CORNELL 
 UNIVERSITY 
 LIBRARY: *" 
 
 BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME 
 OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT 
 FUND GIVEN IN 189I BY 
 
 HENRY WILLIAMS SAGE 
 
The original of this book is in 
 the Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027250350 
 
COMPLETE WORKS OF 
 
 CHARLES F. BROWNE, 
 
 BETTER KNOWN AS 
 
 "ARTEMUS WARD." 
 

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THE 
 
 COMPLETE WORKS OF 
 
 CHARLES F. BROWNE, 
 
 BETTER KNOWN AS 
 
 "ARTE M US WARD." 
 
 WITH 
 
 PORTRAIT BY GEFLOWSKI THE SCULPTOR, 
 FACSIMILE OF HANDWRITING, &*c. 
 
 LONDON: 
 JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEN, 74 & 75 PICCADILLY. 
 fcV. J5 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PORTRAIT OF CHABLES F. BROWNE — (FROM BUST BY GEFLOWSKl), To face title. 
 
 AETEMUS WAItD : HIS BOOK. 
 
 
 ' PAGE 
 
 INTRODUCTION, . .... 
 
 27 
 
 ONE OF MR WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS, .... 
 
 37 
 
 THE SKAKERS, ....... 
 
 38 
 
 HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE' AT UTICA, ..... 
 
 45 
 
 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOUR OF THE ATLANTIC CABLE, 
 
 45 
 
 AMONG THE SPD3ITS, ....... 
 
 48 
 
 ON THE WLNG, ....... 
 
 51 
 
 THE OCTOROON, ....... 
 
 54 
 
 EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR, .... . . 
 
 58 
 
 OBEELIN, ........ 
 
 59 
 
 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP, ..... 
 
 61 
 
 THE CRISIS, ........ 
 
 64 
 
 WAX FIGURES V. SHAKSPEARE, ..... 
 
 67 
 
 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS, . . ... 
 
 69 
 
 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG, » 
 
 71 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG, . 
 
 THE CENSUS, .... 
 
 AN HONEST LIVING, 
 
 THE PRESS, .... 
 
 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO, 
 
 THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES, 
 
 WOMAN'S RIGHTS, 
 
 WOULD-BE SEA DOGS, 
 
 ON " FORTS," . 
 
 PICCOLOMINI, .... 
 
 LITTLE PATH, 
 
 MOSES, THE SASSY ; OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE, 
 
 THE PRINCE OF WALES, 
 
 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN, 
 
 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD, 
 
 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN, 
 
 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN, 
 
 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED, 
 
 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE, 
 
 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION, 
 
 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE, 
 
 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON, 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER, . 
 
 BETSY-JAIN BE-OKGUNIZED, 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES, 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 TAVERN ACCOMMODATION, 
 A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA, . 
 AN AFFECTING POEM, 
 " " THE BABES IN THE WOOD," 
 MORMON BILL OF FARE, 
 
 MARION : A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL, 
 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS, 
 SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF, . 
 TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORT MEMBER OF THE HOME GUARD. 
 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS, 
 THE WIFE, ..... 
 
 A JUVENILE COMPOSITION : ON THE ELEPHANT, 
 A POEM BY THE SAME, 
 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE, 
 MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK (SOIREE), 
 
 page 
 139 
 
 139 
 
 140 
 140 
 144 
 145 
 147 
 150 
 151 
 152 
 156 
 156 
 157 
 157 
 163 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD (HIS TRAVELS) AMONG THE 
 MORMONS. 
 
 INTRODUCTION, 
 
 171 
 
 PART I.— ON THE RAMPAGE. 
 
 1. ON THE STEAMER, . 
 
 2. THE ISTHMUS, 
 
 3. MEXICO, . 
 
 190 
 192 
 
 196 
 
Vll] 
 
 CONTENTS. 
 
 4. CALIFORNIA, 
 
 5. WASHOE, . 
 
 6. mr pepper, 
 
 7. hoeaoe greelet's ride to placerville 
 
 8. to reese river, 
 
 9. great salt lake city, 
 
 10. the mountain peter, 
 
 11. " I AM HERE,'' 
 
 12. BRIGHAM YOUNG, 
 
 13. A PIECE IS SPOKEN, 
 
 14. THE BALL, 
 
 15. PHELPS'S ALMANAC, 
 
 16. HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! 
 
 17. "VERY MUCH MARRIED, 
 j g THE REVELATION OP JOSEPH SMITH, 
 
 PART II.— PERLITE LITTERATOOR. 
 
 1. A WAR MEETING, 
 
 2. ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY, 
 
 3. THINGS IN NEW YORK, 
 
 4. IN CANADA, 
 
 5. THE NOBLE RED MAN, 
 
 6. THE SERENADE, 
 
 7. A ROMANCE : WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG PATRIOT, 
 
 8. A ROMANCE : THE CONSCRIPT, 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 9. A ROMANCE : ONLY A MECHANIC, 
 
 10. BOSTON, ..... 
 
 11. a mormon eomance : reginald glo verso n, 
 
 12. artemus ward in richmond, 
 
 13. artemus ward to the prince op wales, 
 
 14. affairs bound the village green, 
 
 15. agriculture, .... 
 
 16. o'bourct's "arrah-na-pogue," 
 
 pag>: 
 
 27i 
 
 279 
 284 
 289 
 294 
 301 
 305 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 
 
 PRELIMINARY, 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE FENIANS, 
 
 ARTEMUS WABD IN WASHINGTON, 
 
 313 
 
 318 
 324 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 INTRODUCTION BY T. W. BOBERTSON, . 
 PREFATORY NOTE BY EDWARD P. HINGSTON, 
 THE LECTURE, 
 
 331 
 
 337 
 357 
 
 APPENDIX. 
 
 " THE TIMES NOTICE, 
 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME, 
 AUTOGRAPH OF ARTEMUS WARD, 
 
 389 
 392 
 403 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON, AND OTHER HUMOROUS 
 PAPERS. 
 
 INTRODUCTORY, 
 
 1. ARRIVAL IN LONDON, 
 
 2. PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS, 
 
 3. THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL, 
 
 4. AT THE TOMB OP SHAKSPEARE, 
 
 5. IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB, 
 
 6. THE TOWER OP LONDON, . 
 
 7. SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY, . 
 
 8. A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM, 
 
 9. PYROTECHNY, 
 
 10. THE NEGRO QUESTION, 
 
 31. ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH, 
 
 12. A FRAGMENT, 
 
 FAOE 
 407 
 
 409 
 
 413 
 417 
 422 
 427 
 432 
 436 
 441 
 446 
 452 
 455 
 457 
 
 ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. 
 
 1. RED HAND : A TALE OF REVENGE, 
 
 2. THE LAST OP THE CULKrNSES, 
 
 3. HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION, 
 
 4. ROBERTO THE ROVER : A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE, 
 
 5. ABOUT EDITORS, ..... 
 
 6. EDITING, ... 
 
 7. POPULARITY, . ... 
 
 461 
 
 465 
 
 470 
 
 471 
 
 475- 
 
 476 
 
 478 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 8. A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY, 
 
 9. OTHELLO, 
 
 10. SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND, 
 
 11. COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH, 
 
 12. SPIRITS, . . 
 
 13. MR BLOWHARD, 
 
 14. MARKET MORNING, 
 
 15. WE SEE TWO WITCHES, 
 
 16. FROM A HOMELY MAN, 
 
 17. THE ELEPHANT, 
 
 18. BUSTS, ..... 
 
 19. HOW THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD, 
 
 20. ON AUTUMN, .... 
 
 21. PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRAYING, 
 
 22. HUNTING TROUBLE, 
 
 23. DARK DOINGS, .... 
 2<f. A HARD CASE, .... 
 
 25. REPORTERS, .... 
 
 26. HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET, 
 
 27. THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR, . 
 
 28. ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE MORMONS, BEPORTED 
 
 SOMEBODY ELSE, 
 
 BY HIMSELF, OR 
 
 PAGK 
 
 473 
 
 480 
 
 483 
 
 486 
 
 488 
 
 490 
 
 491 
 
 493 
 
 498 
 
 500 
 
 502, 
 
 503 
 
 505 
 
 506 
 
 507 
 
 508 
 
 509 
 
 510. 
 
 511 
 
 513 
 
 514 
 
ffSt* fy^.yi^./t/jr 
 
 ^ — 
 
 A Jfr? fa 
 
 
ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 HIS BOOK. 
 
AT THE DOOR OF THE TENT. 
 
 Ladies and Gentlemen, the SJwiu is about to commence. You 
 could not well expect to go in without paying, but you may pay 
 without going in. T can say no fairer than that. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 MUCH of the quaintness observable in American humour 
 has come down from the old Puritans, whose sober treat- 
 ment of comic things and comic treatment of sober matters give , 
 their talk a very different effect at the present time to what they 
 intended. Old New England sermons abound in these incon- 
 sistencies ; and, instead of being dull reading, are often the 
 lightest, although the preachers were totally unaware of the 
 comic touches they were giving to tlieir oi#pourings. I have 
 read somewhere a story of a pious but strong blacksmith — I 
 think Mr Dickens knows something of the authorship — who 
 pummelled an unbeliever into a state of satisfactory conver- 
 sion, timing his blows to the most awakening revival tunes 
 that he was master of. The tale is not overdrawn, and I feel 
 satisfied the occurrence has happened somewhere in America 
 at one time or another. 
 
 Not many years since, there was a famous preacher of the 
 old Puritan school in one of the New England States, who 
 used to play such pranks in the pulpit as our Eowland Hill is 
 said to have done, and as a contemporary now occasionally 
 indulges in at the Tabernacle, only the Eev. Lorenzo Dow was 
 the more daring performer of the three. On one occasion he 
 took a text from Paul, " I can do all things." The preacher 
 paused, took off his spectacles, laid them on the open Bible, 
 and said, "No, Paul, you are mistaken for once ; I '11 bet you 
 five dollars you can't, and stake the money." At the same 
 time putting his hand into his pocket, he took out a five- 
 
28 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 dollar bill, laid it on the Bible, took up his spectacles again, 
 and read, " Through Jesus Christ our Lord." " Ah, Paul ! " 
 exclaimed Dow, snatching up the five-dollar bill, and return- 
 ing it to his pocket, " that 's a very different matter ; the bet 's 
 withdrawn." 
 
 The best stories I ever heard were those of a travelling 
 American Methodist, at a place called Council Hill, a few 
 miles back from the Upper Mississippi. He used to draw the 
 neighbourhood twice or three times a week to " class-meetings ;" 
 but the great treat for the people were his comic tales and 
 "experiences" — as he termed them — which he used to nar- 
 rate at the brick-store opposite, always crowded when Preacher 
 "Williams was in the way. He was a great man amongst the 
 religious folk, and the most powerful revivalist in those parts ; 
 the whole village, on one occasion, being closed to business 
 for three days, the community in their best clothes, and all 
 given up to the work of the Spirit, except two or three stub- 
 born old bar-room keepers at the other end of the place, who 
 were loudly prayed for in the meeting-house day and night. 
 Preacher Williams' great art in "fetching" the house was 
 shedding tears, which usually brought up the handkerchiefs 
 from the females and the sleeves of the men in sorrowing 
 sympathy, with numerous amens from the deaf old people 
 behind, who could only tell by the movement in handkerchiefs 
 when it was their turn to begin ; but crying had become so 
 common to him, that telling a story had much the same effect 
 upon his eyes as a sermon, and the consequence was, he always 
 had a bleared, weak-eyed look. Otherwise he was not a bad-* 
 looking man. Gossipers did say that he would have been a 
 bishop 16ng ago but for this fatal gift at story-telling, which 
 made the less talented ministers very jealous of him. 
 
 This mixing of sacred with secular matters, commenced by 
 the Puritans, is now common in almost all American thought 
 and expression. In a senator's speech, in a stump oration, in 
 a newspaper article, a parallel drawn anywhere from Genes*! 
 
INTRODUCTION. 29 
 
 to the Revelations is considered not only fair but elegant. In 
 their humorous poems, as we all know by the " Biglow 
 Papers," such biblical references are common. Some, journals 
 in this country rather severely criticised Mr Lowell for this, 
 to them, exhibition of bad taste; but it may be doubted 
 whether the Americans of the present day intend religious 
 disrespect, any more than did the Puritan preachers of old. 
 Qne thing is certain, that incongruity of ideas is carried to a 
 much greater extent in American humour than it is in our 
 own; and it is this mental exaggeration, this odd mixture of 
 widely different thoughts, that distinguishes Yankee from 
 English fun. 
 
 ' Most countries have a great many floating metaphors and 
 popular figures of speech, which are full of amusement to the 
 foreigner. Our own streets have many such quaint expressions, 
 and the language is continually being recruited from them. In 
 Artemus Ward's book the recent popular fun of America has 
 been gathered up, and we may see in it a great deal of that 
 small talk, that " chaff" — if we may so speak — which crowds 
 are always casting up for their amusement. 
 
 The incongruity of ideas just mentioned as peculiar to 
 America, is especially observable in Artemus Ward. He is a 
 cunning old fellow, with plenty of low humour, but without 
 any education ; yet from his address card wa may see that he 
 figures as newspaper correspondent as well as orator and states- 
 man. Of course the character is heightened for the sake of 
 the fun ; but the portrait of Artemus, as given in " His Book," 
 is not wholly caricature. In all parts of the United States 
 many such odd personages may be met with. On the steam- 
 boats k of the Western rivers, in the railway cars, in the back- 
 woods, the brothers and sisters of Mr Ward may be found. 
 The country seems to delight in them, and it certainly never 
 lacks any supply. Some years since, the best joker on the 
 ississippi was a " down east " man, who left his native state 
 
 mind a wood-pile in Tennessee. He lived by himself, and 
 
30 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 I do riot think there was any house nearer to him than twenty 
 or thirty miles ; but he was as full of fun and news as if he got 
 a good living by comic penny-a-lining in a big city. His log 
 shanty was close by the wood-pile, and his sole protection 
 from some rather ugly wild animals in those parts was an old 
 rifle hung up over the door. He begged newspapers from all 
 steamboats that stopped to " wood-up," and in general chaff 
 was more than a match for the passengers and erew combined. 
 Like many other Americans, he had been through the whole 
 directory of trades— by turns schoolmaster, storekeeper, nigger- 
 driver (his last occupation), farmer, travelling dentist, and in 
 the photographic line. He had one vanity, howev.er — dress. 
 On Sundays he came forth far finer than did the other Robin- 
 son Crusoe on the first day of the week. A finely-plaited 
 white shirt, black satin waistcoat (the delight of the fashion- 
 able West), and patent leather store boots, formed his usual 
 attire on the Sabbath. I almost forgot to say that he had 
 been a temperance man, doing good Fourth-of-July work when 
 young, but latterly he had thought that a jug of whisky might 
 be company for him, so he kept one, which was filled up from 
 the boats as they passed. 
 
 There was a strange old fellow, an early settler in Illinois, 
 who gave a name to a tract of land in those parts. He was 
 mild on all topics but one — teetotalism. Any wayfarer might 
 have bed and board for a night, but woe betide him if he 
 
 objected to take a glass with his host. Old M had one 
 
 stock lecture always on hand. It was dead against the men 
 who pledged themselves adverse to inebriating liquors. " Teu 
 thunk," said the lecturer, " that Gaud shude gev us sich luvin 
 preufs as Ohiar whiskey, old rum, and the best Neuw York 
 brandy, and them all-fired temprunce ranturs shude go agin 
 Him and His wurks ded-set. Say, you meesly critturs, why 
 doant yir rail agin the Maker for givin us four-wheeled wag- 
 gins, state tickets, steam-threshers, and other things sleeghtlyj, 
 onsartin in the runnin 1 Liquors is blessins, groserys is bless- 
 
INTRODUCTION. 31 
 
 ins, hand-saws is blessins, only we don't all go to-once and saw 
 our fingurs off kerslap ! Do we ? Say, will yer 1 " 
 
 There was another odd personage in the immediate neigh- 
 bourhood, C. B. Denio, a whitewasher and stump speaker, also a 
 lecturer. I don't suppose he ever had ten cents spent upon his 
 early education, and he used to appear rather proud of being 
 called off a ladder to address his " feller citerzens," with the 
 sprinkles of whitewash still adhering to his face and clothes ; 
 but he was what is known there as a powerful speaker, and 
 soon after he was elected to the Legislature. At the present 
 moment he is one of the principal officers of state in California. 
 
 Characters of this kind are the idols of the American popu- 
 lar mind, and the supply quite keeps pace with the demand. 
 An ungenerous traveller in the United States, remarking on 
 the difference betwixt public taste and opinion there, as com- 
 pared with the feeling of the middle classes here, has said that 
 a laudable desire to excel is the general characteristic of 
 Americans, but that high moral competition was sadly inter- 
 fered with by another taste which had a latent existence in all 
 classes of society, from the bishops downwards — viz., to fight 
 and drink whisky. 
 
 The first mention that the writer remembers of Artemus 
 was in Vanity Fair, a sort of New York Punch, where some 
 very comic paragraphs appeared from time to time, giving us 
 the sayings and opinions of " the showman," as he delighted 
 in calling himself. These little sketches, dressed up in a 
 burlesque orthography, and leaning on the broad Yankee dia- 
 lect, like Burns' songs on the Scotch, for an increase of effect, 
 soon attracted very general attention, and were quoted in the 
 newspapers far and wide. Like Major Jack Downing, whose 
 "Letters" at one time were famous, but which latterly have 
 been found not equal in humour to the requirements of the 
 crowd, Artemus Ward soon became a distinct character in the 
 popular mind, and on any public occasion his opinion is almost 
 sure to go the round of the press. After a time Mr Ward's 
 
32 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 sayings were gathered up into a book, and a careful reprint 
 of that, minus some sketches which have nothing to do with 
 the " showman," is now before the reader. 
 
 Artemus Ward is, as may have been surmised, a nom de 
 plume. The real name of the author is Charles F. Brown; and 
 as his own biography affords a very fair example of the strange 
 ups and downs incidental to American life, the following 
 sketch from a New York paper will not be deemed out of place 
 here: — 
 
 He was born away down east in the town of Waterford, Me., in 1836. 
 When quite young he entered a. printing-office, and in a short time was 
 considered a first-rate type-sticker ; but getting tired of seeing the same old 
 faces every day, he determined to start out on a travelling tour. He did 
 so, and visited all the principal towns in New England, stopping at each 
 place for a brief period, working at his trade. He finally settled down in 
 Boston, where he worked with " stick and rule " until his genius soared 
 above the " case," and he was soon ensconced in the editorial chair, revel- 
 ling in the flowery paths of literature. Comic stories and comic essays 
 were his " fortus," as a celebrated divine once remarked. His effusions 
 were read far and wide, and gained for him in a short time a very enviable 
 reputation. Boston proving too small for the development of his ambi- 
 tious ideas, he packed up his carpet-bag and steered for the West. On the 
 shores of Lake Erie, and on the banks of the Ohio and Mississippi, he picked 
 up that knowledge of Western life, and acquired that acute insight into 
 the comic side of Western character, which have stood out so conspicu- 
 ously in his humorous sketches. In Toledo, Ohio, Mr Brown gained much 
 credit as a writer. From Toledo he wended his steps to Cleveland, and 
 took up his quarters in the editorial department of the Plaindealer. Up 
 " to this p'int in his eventful life " he was known as plain Charles F. Brown, 
 but as soon as he commenced operations in Cleveland he baptized himself 
 " Artemus Ward." Assuming the management of his celebrated "wax 
 riggers," his fame waxed higher and higher. Cleveland, like all other 
 places that he had visited, became in its turn too small to hold him any 
 longer, and he came to New York in the fall of 1860, and became enrolled 
 among the corps editorial of Vanity Fair. His first attempt at lecturing 
 was at Norwich, Conn., since which time he has been well known as a 
 lecturer and comic author. His chief subjects are " The Babes in the 
 Wood," " Sixty Minutes in Africa," " An Hour with President Lincoln," 
 " Artemus Ward's Struggle with the Ghost," and " Life among the Mor- 
 monB." His lectures have been among the most popular of any delivered 
 
INTRODUCTION. 33 
 
 in this country. He has received from literary societies very high sums for 
 lecturing, and we have also heard itreliably stated that, recognising the debt 
 of gratitude he owes to his country, he has contributed nearly 5000 dollars 
 to the Union cause, by lectures delivered within the past two years. On 
 the 13th of October 186S, he sailed for California, preceded a month 
 previous by Mr Hingston as business manager. He gave his first comic 
 oration at Piatt's Music Hall, San Francisco, November 13. The tickets 
 were one dollar each, and the hall was filled to its utmost capacity. The 
 receipts amounted to 1465 dollars. His subject was " The Babes in the 
 Wood." His second oration was delivered November 17, at the same 
 place, when the hall was not near large enough to hold the crowd. He 
 then started on a tour through the country, appearing at Stockton, Marys- 
 ville, and Sacramento. He repeated his " Babes in the Wood " at the 
 Metropolitan Theatre, San Francisco, to a 900-dollar house. At a little 
 town called Folsom, in a little mining theatre of rough boards, he had 150 
 dollars. The joke of the lecture did not seem to be very well understood, 
 however, for in the midst of it the gentlemen with short pipes in the 
 orchestra stalls requested Artemus to favour them with a song, persisting 
 in their call till he gave them a new version of " Billy Barlow ;" after which 
 they treated him to "can oysters" and California wine. In Oroville and 
 Nevada City he lectured in a church. In Auburn he expatiated in a bil- 
 liard-saloon. At Jackson, the new theatre not being built, he appeared in 
 the basement of the gaol for one night only. The murderers' cells opened 
 into it all the way round, and by throwing open the iron doors the cells 
 could be turned into private boxes. At San Jose' they illuminated the 
 city with tar-barrels, which blazed in every thoroughfare on the night of his 
 arrival. At Santa Clara, the building not being large enough, the entire 
 audience adjourned to the open air, while Artemus, supported by Hingston, 
 his agent, holding two wax candles, " spoke his piece" beneath the canopy 
 of the starry skies. While on his way to Salt Lake City he was captured 
 by the Indians, who threatened to scalp him and carry him into captivity 
 unless he danced the " Essence of Virginny." It was torture sufficient 
 when miners out in California made him sing a comic song ; but the idea 
 ot dancing a nigger schottische was ten times worse. Brigham Young 
 being "in with the Injuns," succeeded in having the showman restored 
 to liberty and the Mormon women. The change, however, wasn't much 
 better. After being caught by the Indians (and liberated), he in turn 
 caught the typhoid fever, which was running loose in those parts, and it 
 was given out that he was " sick unto death." On the 24th of February 
 he lectured at Denver City. On the next evening he "spoke a piece " in 
 Central City among the gold-miners — admission one dollar. Mostof the 
 tickets were botight up by speculators, and retailed by them at three, four, 
 
 C 
 
34 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 and five dollars each. Artemus and Hingston had a third capsize on the 
 summit of the Rocky Mountains, at Bridger'a Pass. The sleigh was broken, 
 and they had to walk four miles through the snow at midnight. Both 
 were attacked by a troop of hungry wolves, and they had to beat back 
 the beasts with revolvers. Returned to New York, April 3, 1864. On the 
 17th of October he opened Dodworth Hall with his representation on 
 canvas of his travels in California and Salt Lake City. He opened to a 
 very crowded auditory, and has continued up to the present writing to 
 appear each night to the tlite of the city. His speculation has thus far 
 proved a great success. During the representation of the ' pictets 
 Artemus is on hand, and describes in his own happy style everything that 
 is interesting to his auditors, and more too. He is exceedingly funny, and 
 keeps his hearers in a continual roar of laughter from the moment he 
 first opens his mouth until the audience are dismissed for the night. In 
 appearance Artemus Ward is tall, slender, and light-complexioned, with 
 prominent features, fair hair, and very mirthful eyes. 
 
 By the last accounts Artemus Ward was still lecturing in 
 New York, but it is expected that he will shortly bring his 
 engagements there to a close and visit this country. Many 
 who have heard him assert that he will draw as large crowds 
 here as in his own country, and that, for a time at least, he_ 
 will take the late Albert Smith's. place among us. 
 
 Some of Artemus's advertisements are exceedingly comic, 
 certainly different from anything of the kind that we see in 
 our newspapers : — 
 
 A E 
 
 RTEMUS WARD! ARTEMUS WARD! 
 
 IS AT HOME EVERY EVENING, 
 
 AND ARTEMUS WARD RECEIVES CALLS 
 
 AT DODWORTH HALL, 806 BROADWAY, 
 
 where he has positively 
 
 NO OBJECTIONS TO SEEING YOU. 
 
 N.B. — The Hall is bounded on the north-west by Broadway and the 
 head of Eleventh Street, on the south-east by a yard, on the north-east by 
 a vacant lot, and on the south-west by Grace Church. 
 
 Artemus Ward as speaks at Dodworth Hall, and shows his Paintings 
 the Evening of Every Day at 8 o'clock. Opening his Portals at 7£ o'clock. 
 
 Gates of Ticket Bureau thrown wide to the public from 9 till 5. 
 
 806 Broadway, handy to Grace Church. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 35 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD RESPECTFULLY ANNOUNCES— 1. That his 
 foot is once more on his native heath, and his name is Trooly Yours. 
 
 2. That his native heath at present is Dpdworth Hall, No. 806 
 Broadway. f 
 
 3. That Dodworth Hall is, in consequence, a historical spot, equal in 
 interest to Tammany Hall, Mozart. Hall, Oakey Hall, the City Hall, Gen. 
 Hall, or any other Hall in town. 
 
 4. That nobody who has seen Artemus Ward's Pictures of the Mormons 
 need ever go to the "City of the Saints," or anywhere else, and the 
 money thus saved may be spent in buying overcoats and breaking the 
 backbone of the rebellion. 
 
 5. That the said Pictures have already been seen and examined by many 
 
 distinguished people, and among others by A. L n, J. G. B tt, H. 
 
 G y, H. J. R d, W. C. B 1, F. W d, M. M e,;A. 0. 
 
 H 11, H. B. W d, J. T. B y, S. C. M , Judge D y, Judge 
 
 R 11, X. Y. Z., Gen. McC n, Gen. G 1, Gen. D x, Gen. 
 
 S n, and the Gen. Public, all of whom agree that they are great 
 
 Pictures, and that the entertainment ought to continue till this cruel war 
 is over, in order that the soldiers may see it, and we may once more be a 
 Happy Country. 
 
 As every man has his price, A. Ward, not to be peculiar, begs to state 
 that his price is Fifty Cents or One Dollar, according to circumstances. 
 People of a Reserved turn generally pay One Dollar. 
 
 Almost the first night of the performance in New York, 
 -William Cullen Bryant, the poet, attended the lecture, and he 
 remarks in his Evening Post — " Artemus has a style of his own, 
 which no lecturer has yet discovered. He says so many funny 
 things that the audience sometimes let a ' goak ' slip hy un- 
 noticed, and then Artemus will pause for a moment, with a 
 downcast expression, till a sudden guffaw tells him that some- 
 body has seen the point. His lecture, besides his rollicking- 
 fun, includes considerable valuable information, which is re- 
 lieved from the tedious elements usually existing in valuable 
 information by the panoramic pictures with, which it is illus- 
 trated. An excellent idea of social life in Great Salt Lake 
 City is obtained from a visit to ' Yours trooly,' besides a good 
 stock of jokes to pass off at the next dinner-party as original." 
 
 The programme of "A. Ward" is quite a little comic 
 album of itself, and includes the following " Eules of the 
 House," which we trust all well-disposed persons in the 
 audience will observe : — 
 
36 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 " 1, Artemus Ward is compelled to charge 1 dollar for reserved seats, 
 because oats, which two years ago cost 30 cents per bushel, now cost 1 
 .dollar ; hay is also 1 dollar 75 cents per cwt., formerly 50 cents. 
 
 " 2. Persons who, think they will enjoy themselves more by leaving the 
 hall early in the evening, are requested to do so with as little noise as possible. 
 
 " 3. Children in arms not admitted if the arms are loaded. 
 
 " i. Children under one year of age not admitted, unless accompanied 
 by their parents or guardians. 
 
 " 5. If any usher employed in the hall should assault the audience, he 
 will be reprimanded. If the same conduct be frequently repeated, he will 
 be discharged without a certificate of character. 
 
 "6. Ladies and gentlemen will please report any negligence or dis- 
 obedience on the part of the Lecturer. 
 
 " 7. Artemus Ward will not be responsible for any money, jewellery, 
 of other valuables left with him — to be returned in a week or so. 
 
 "8. The Manager will not be responsible for any debts of his own 
 contracting. 
 
 "9, If the audience do not leave the hall when this entertainment is 
 over, they will be put out by the police." 
 
 A few remarks concerning the phraseology in which the 
 following papers are written, seem necessary in this English 
 edition. The reader must be careful to distinguish betwixt 
 what is dialect and what mere incorrect orthography. Where 
 the spelling is simply burlesque or cacographic, but little diffi- 
 culty will be experienced in perusal ; where local or peculiar 
 Americanisms occur, it is believed that the few foot-notes will 
 explain the intention of the author. The intermixture of 
 numerals with the text, as in " going 2 see him," or " going 4 
 2 see him," "be4' : for "before," "sow4th" for "soforth," 
 " slam'd the 4dor," " Ice " for " once," " 3ten " for "threaten," 
 " 2 B or not 2 B," may be looked upon as mere pieces of 
 eccentricity, a sort of rebus fun, or mayhap a notion on Mr 
 Ward's part that it is the correct thing, and shows education 
 to abbreviate one's speech. In this comic spelling, however, 
 the improper use of the H is never made. The Americans 
 pride themselves on their correctness in this particular. 
 
 JOHN CAMDEN HOTTEST. 
 Piccadilly, W. 
 Januai-y 30, lSb'5; 
 
ARTEMUS WARD: 
 
 his book: 
 
 ONE OF MR WARD'S BUSINESS LETTERS. 
 To the Editor of the 
 
 SIE, — I'm movin along — slowly along — down tords your 
 place. I want you should rite me a letter, sayin how is 
 the show bizniss in your place. My show at present consists 
 of three moral Bares, a Kangaroo (a amoozin little Raskal — 
 t'would make you larf yerself to deth to see the little cuss 
 jump up and squeal) wax figgers of G-. Washington Gen. 
 Tayler John Bunyan Capt. Kidd and Dr Webster in the act 
 of killin Dr Parkman,* besides several miscellanyus moral 
 wax statoots of celebrated piruts & murderers, &c, ekalled by 
 few & exceld by none. Now Mr Editor, scratch orf a few 
 lines sayin how is the show bizniss down to your place. I 
 shall hav my hanbills dun at your offiss. Depend upon it. 
 I want you should git my hanbills up in flamin stile. Also 
 git up a tremenjus excitemunt in yr. paper 'bowt my onpara- 
 leld Show. We must fetch the public sumhow. We must 
 wurk on their feelins. Cum the moral on 'em strong. If 
 it's a temprance community tell 'em I sined the pledge fifteen 
 minits arter Ise born, but on the contery ef your peple take 
 their tods,+ say Mister Ward is as Jenial a feller as we ever 
 
 * A murder committed in Boston a few years since, which occasioned 
 a great sensation throughout the United States. 
 
 + Vulgar shortening of toddy. " Let us take a tod " was formerly a 
 common phrase. Recently, however, " To Kiss the Baby,'' and to "Smile," 
 have taken its place. 
 
38 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 met, full of conwiviality, & the life an Sole of the Soshul 
 Bored. Take, don't you ? If you say anythin abowt my 
 show say my snaiks is as harmliss as the new born Babe. 
 What a interestin study it is to see a zewological animil like 
 a snaik under perfeck subjecshun ! My kangaroo is the most 
 larfable little cuss I ever saw. All for 15 cents. I am anxyus 
 to skewer your infloounce. I repeet in regard to them ban- 
 bills that I shall git 'em struck orf up to your printin office. 
 My perlitercal sentiments agree with yourn exackly. I know 
 thay do, becawz I never saw a man whoos didn't. — Eespec-^ 
 tively yures, A. WARD. 
 
 P.S.— You scratch my back & He scratch your back. 
 
 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 The Shakers is the strangest religious sex I ever met. I'd 
 hearn tell of 'em and I 'd seen 'em, with their broad brim'd 
 hats and long wastid coats ; but I'd never cum into immejit 
 contack with 'em, and I'd sot 'em down as lackin intelleck, as 
 I'd never seen 'em to my Show — leastways, if they cum they 
 was disgised in white * peple's close, so I didn't know 'em. 
 
 But in the Spring of 18 — , I got swampt in the exterior of 
 New York State, one dark and stormy night, when the winds 
 Blue pityusly, and I was forced to tie up with the Shakers. 
 
 I was toilin threw the mud, when in the dim vister of the 
 futer I obsarved the gleams of a taller candle. Tiein a hornet's 
 nest to my off hoss's tail to kinder encourage him, I soon 
 reached the place. I knockt at the door, which it was opened 
 unto me by a tall, slick-faced, solum lookin individooal, who 
 turn'd out to be a Elder. 
 
 " Mr Shaker," sed I, " you see before you a Babe in the 
 Woods, so to speak, and he axes shelter of you." 
 
 * It is very common in the United States to talk of white people, even 
 when no comparison with the negro, race is intended. 
 
THE SHAKERS. 
 
 39 
 
 " Yay," sed the Shaker, and he led the way into the house, 
 another Shaker hein sent to put my hosses and waggin under 
 kiver. 
 
 A solum female, lookin sumwhat like a last year's bean- 
 pole stuck into a long meal-bag, cum in and axed me was I 
 athurst and did I hunger? to which I urbanely anserd "a 
 few." She went orf and I endeverd to open a conversashun 
 with the old man. 
 
 "Elder, I spect?" sed I. 
 
 " Yay," he sed. 
 
 " Helth's good, I reckon? " 
 
 " Yay." 
 
 " What's the wages of a Elder, when he understans his biz- 
 ness — or do you devote your sarvices gratooitus ?" 
 
 "Yay." 
 
 " Stormy night, sir." 
 
 " Yay.' : 
 
 " If the storm continners there '11 be a mess underfoot, hay? " 
 
 "Yay." 
 
 " It 's onpleasant when there 's a mess underfoot ?" 
 
 "Yay." 
 
 " If I may be so bold, kind sir, what's the price of that 
 pecooler kind of weskit you wear, incloodin trimmins ? " 
 
 "Yay!" 
 
 I pawsd a minit, and then, thinkin I 'd be faseshus with 
 him and see how that would go, I slapt him on the shoulder, 
 bust into a harty larf, and told him that as a yayer he had no 
 livin ekal. 
 
 He jumpt up as if Bilin water had bin squirted into his 
 ears, groaned, rolled his eyes up tords the sealin and sed: 
 " You 're a man of sin ! " He then walkt out of the room. 
 
 Jest then the female in the meal-bag stuck her hed into the 
 room and statid that refreshments awaited the weary travler, 
 and I sed if it was vittles she ment the weary travler 
 was agreeable, and I follered her into the next room. 
 
40 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 I sot down to the table and the female in the meal-bag 
 pored out sum tea. She sed nothin, and for five minutes the 
 only live thing in that room was a old wooden clock, which 
 tickt in a subdood and bashful manner in the corner. This 
 dethly stillness made me oneasy, and I determined to talk to 
 the female or bust. So sez I, " Marrige is agin your rules, I 
 bleeve, marm ?" 
 
 " Yay." 
 
 " The sexes liv strickly apart, I spect?" 
 
 " Yay." 
 
 " It's kinder singler,'' sez I, puttin on my most sweetest 
 look and speakin in a winnin voice, " that so fair a made as 
 thou never got hitched to some likely feller." [N.B. — She was 
 upards of 40 and homely as a stump fence, but I thawt I'd 
 tickil her.] 
 
 "I don't like men !" she sed, very short. 
 
 " Wall, I dunno," sez I, " they 're a rayther important part 
 of the populashun. I don't scacely see how we could git along 
 without 'em." 
 
 " Us poor wimin folks would git along a grate deal better if 
 there was no men ! " 
 
 " You '11 excoos me, marm, but I don't think that air would 
 work. It wouldn't be regler." 
 
 " I 'm fraid of men !" she sed. 
 
 " That 's onnecessary, marm. You ain't in no danger. 
 Don't fret yourself on that pint." 
 
 " Here we 're shot out from the sinful world. Here all is 
 peas. Here we air brothers and sisters. We don't marry and 
 consekently we have no domestic difficulties. Husbans don't 
 abooze their wives— wives don't worrit their husbans. There 's 
 no children here to worrit us. Nothin to worrit us here. 
 No wicked matrimony here. Would thow like to be a 
 Shaker?" 
 
 "No," sez I, "it ain't my stile." 
 
 I tad now histed in as big a load of pervishuns as I could 
 
THE SHAKERS. 4I 
 
 carry comfortable, and, leanin back in my cheer, commenst 
 pickin my teeth with a fork. The female went out, leavin me 
 all alone with the clock. I hadn't sot thar long before the 
 Elder poked his hed in at the door. " You're a man of sin !" 
 he sed, and groaned and went away. 
 
 Direckly thar cum in two young Shakeresses, as putty and 
 slick lookin gals as I ever met. It is troo they was drest in 
 meal-bags like the old one I'd met previsly, and their shiny 
 silky har was hid from sight by long white caps, sich as I 
 spose female Josts wear; but their eyes sparkled like diminds, 
 their cheeks was like roses, and they was charming enuff to 
 make a man throw stuns at his granmother, if they axed him to. 
 They commenst clearin away the dishes, castin shy glances at 
 me all the time. I got excited. I forgot Betsy Jane in my 
 rapter, and sez I, " My pretty dears, how air you 1" 
 
 "We air well," they solumly sed. 
 
 " Whar's the old man ?" sed I, in a soft voice. 
 
 " Of whom dost thow speak — Brother Uriah V 
 
 " I mean the gay and festiv cuss who calls me a man of 
 sin. Shouldn't wonder if his name was Uriah." 
 
 " He has retired." 
 
 " Wall, my pretty dears," sez I,, " let 's hav sum fun. Let's 
 play Puss in the corner. What say 1" 
 
 " Air you a Shaker, sir ?" they axed. 
 
 " Wall, my pretty dears, I haven't arrayed my proud form 
 in a long weskit yit, but if they was all like you perhaps I 'd 
 jine 'em. As it is, I 'm a Shaker pro-temporary." 
 
 They was full of fun. I seed that at fust, only they was a 
 leetle skeery. I tawt 'em Puss in the corner and sich like 
 plase, and we had a nice time, keepin quiet of course so the 
 old man shouldn't hear. When we broke up, sez I, "My 
 pretty dears, ear I go you hav no objections, hav you, to a 
 innersent kiss at partin ? " 
 
 " Yay," thay sed, and I ywy'd. 
 
 I went up stairs to bed. I spose I 'd bin snoozin half a hour 
 
42 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 when I was woke up by a noise at the door. I sot up in bed, 
 leanin on my elbers and rubbin my eyes, and I saw the follerin 
 picter : The Elder stood in the doorway, with a taller candle 
 in his hand. He hadn't no wearin appeerel on except his 
 night close, which flutterd in the breeze like a Seseshun flag. 
 He sed, "You're a man of sin!" then groaned and went away. 
 
 I went to sleep agin, and drempt of runnin orf with the 
 pretty little Shakeresses, mounted on my Californy Bar* I 
 thawt the Bar insisted on steerin strate for my dooryard in 
 Baldinsville, and that Betsy Jane cum out and giv us a warm 
 recepshun with a panfull of Bilin water. I was woke up arly 
 by the Elder. He sed refreshments was reddy for me down 
 stairs. Then sayin I was a man of sin, he went groanin away. 
 
 As I was goin threw the entry to the room where the vittles 
 was, I cum across the Elder and the old female I 'd met the 
 night before, and what d'ye spose they was up to ? Huggin 
 and 'kissin like young lovers in their gushingist state. Sez I, 
 " My Shaker friends, I reckon you 'd better suspend the rules, 
 and git marrid !" 
 
 " You must excoos Brother Uriah," sed the female ; " he 's 
 subjeck to fits, and hain't got no command over hisself when 
 he 's into 'em." 
 
 " Sartinly," sez I ; " I've bin took that way myself frequent." 
 
 " You 're a man of sin !" sed the Elder. 
 
 Arter breakfust my little Shaker frends cum in agin to clear 
 away the dishes. 
 
 " My pretty dears," sez I, " shall we yay agin 1" 
 
 " Nay," they sed, and I nay'd. 
 
 The Shakers axed me to go to their meetin, as they was to 
 hav sarvices that mornin, so I put on a clean biled rag and 
 went. The meetin house was as neat as a pin. The floor was 
 white as chalk and smooth as glass. The Shakers was all on 
 hand, in clean weskits and meal-bags, ranged on the floor like 
 milingtery companies, the mails on one side of the room and 
 *.The South- Western pronunciation of Bear. 
 
THE SHAKERS. 43 
 
 the females on tother. They commenst clappin their hands 
 and singin and dancin. They danced kinder slow at fust, but 
 as they got warmed up they shaved it down very brisk, I tell 
 you. Elder Uriah, in particler, exhiberted a right smart 
 chance of spryness in his legs, considerin his time of life, and 
 as he cum a dubble shuffle near where I sot, I rewarded him 
 with a approvin smile, and sed : " Hunky boy ! Go it, my gay 
 and festiv cuss ! " 
 
 " You 're a man of sin ! " he sed, continnerin his shuffle. 
 
 The Sperret, as they called it, then moved a short fat Shaker 
 to say a few remarks. He sed they was Shakers and all was 
 ekal. They was the purest and seleckest peple on the yearth. 
 Other peple was sinful as they could be, but Shakers was all 
 right. Shakers was all goin kerslap * to the Promist Land, 
 and nobody want goin to stand at the gate to bar 'em out, if 
 they did they 'd git run over. 
 
 The Shakers then danced and sang agin, and arter thay was 
 threw, one of 'em axed me what I thawt of it. 
 
 Sez I, " What duz it siggerfy ? " 
 
 " What 1 " sez he. 
 
 " Why this jumpin up and singin 1 This long-weskit biz- 
 niss, and this anty-matrimony idee ? My frends, you air neat 
 and tidy. Your lands is flowin with milk and honey. Your 
 brooms is fine, and your apple sass is honest. When a man 
 buys a kag of apple sass of you he don't find a grate many 
 shavins under a few layers of sass — a little Game I 'm sorry to 
 say sum of my New Englan ancesters used to practiss. Your 
 garding seeds is fine, and if I should sow 'em on the rock of 
 Gibralter probly I should raise a good mess of garding sass. 
 You air honest in your dealins. You air quiet and don't 
 distarb nobody. For all this I givs you credit. But your 
 
 * A variation of the Americanisms Keslosh, Kesouse — i.e., the noise made 
 l>y a body falling flat into the water. In the South and West a number of 
 fanciful onomatopoetic words of this sort are used, in all of which the first 
 syllable, which is unaccented, is subject to the same variety of spelling. 
 
44 THE SHAKERS. 
 
 religion is small pertaters, I must say. You mope away your 
 lives here in single retchidness, and as you air all by yourselves 
 nothing ever conflicks with your pecooler idees, except when 
 Human Nater busts out among you, as I understan she sum- 
 times do. [I giv Uriah a sly wink here, which made the old 
 feller squirm like a speared Eel.] You wear long weskits and 
 long faces, and lead a gloomy life indeed. No children's prattle 
 is ever hearn around your hearthstuns — you air in a dreary 
 fog all the time, and you treat the jolly sunshine of life as 
 tho' it was a thief, drivin it from your doors by them weskits, 
 and meal-bags, and pecooler noshuns of yourn. The gals 
 among you, sum of which air as slick pieces of caliker as I 
 ever sot eyes on, air syin to place their heds agin weskits 
 which kiver honest, manly harts, while you old heds fool yer- 
 selves with the idee that they air fulfillin their mishun here, 
 and air contented. Here you air, all pend up by yerselves, 
 talkin about the sins of a world you don't know nothin of. 
 Meanwhile said world continners to resolve round on her own 
 axletree onct in every 24 hours, subjeck to the Constitution of 
 the United States, and is a very plesant place of residence. 
 It's a unnatral, onreasonable and dismal life you're leadin 
 here. So it strikes me. My Shaker frends, I now bid you a 
 welcome adoo. You hav treated me exceedin well. Thank 
 you kindly, one and all. 
 
 " A base exhibiter of depraved monkeys and onprincipled 
 wax works !" sed Uriah. 
 
 " Hello, Uriah," sez I, " I 'd most forgot you. Wall, look 
 out for them fits of yourn, and don't catch cold and die in the 
 flour of your youth and beauty." 
 
 And I resoomed my jerney.. 
 
CELEBRA TION A T BALD INS VILLE. 45 
 
 HIGH-HANDED OUTRAGE AT UTICA. 
 
 In the Faul of 1896, 1 showed my show in Utiky, a trooly 
 grate sitty in the State of New York. 
 
 The people gave me a cordyal recepshun. The press was 
 loud in her prases. 
 
 1 day as I was givin a descripshun of my Beests and Snaiks 
 in my usual flowry stile what was my skorn & disgust to see 
 a big burly feller walk up to the cage containin my wax figgers 
 of the Lord's Last Supper, and cease Judas Iscarrot by the 
 feet and drag him out on the ground. He then commenced 
 fur to pound him as hard as he cood. 
 
 " "What under the son are you abowt V cried I. 
 
 Sez he, " "What did you bring this pussylanermus cuss here 
 fur ? " & he hit the wax figger another tremenjis blow on the 
 hed. 
 
 Sez I, " You egrejus ass, that air 's a wax figger — a repre- 
 sentashun of the false 'Postle." 
 
 Sez he, " That's all very well fur you to say ; but I tell you, 
 old man, that Judas Iscarrot can't show hisself in Utiky with 
 impunerty by a darn site ! " with which observashun he kaved 
 in Judassis hed. The young man belonged to 1 of the first 
 famerlies in Utiky. I sood him, and the Joory brawt in a 
 verdick of Arson in the 3d degree. 
 
 CELEBRATION AT BALDINSVILLE IN HONOR OF 
 THE ATLANTIC CABLE. 
 
 Baldinsville, Injianny, Sep the onct, 18&59. — I was sum- 
 mund home from Cinsinnaty quite suddin by a lettur from the 
 Supervizers of Baldinsville, sayin as how grate things was on 
 the Tappis in that air town in refferunse to sellebratin the 
 compleshun of the Sub-Mershine Tellergraph and axkinme to 
 be Pressunt. Lockin up my Kangeroo and wax wurks in a 
 
46 CELEBRA TION A T BALDINS V1LLE. 
 
 sekure stile, I took my departer for Baldinsville—'' my own, 
 my nativ Ian," which I gut intwo at early kandle litin on the 
 follerin night & just as the sellerbrashun and illumernashun 
 ware commensin. 
 
 Baldinsville was trooly in a blaze of glory. Near can I for- 
 git the surblime speckticul which met my gase as I alited from 
 the Staige with my umbreller and verlise.* The Tarvern was lit 
 up with taller kandles all over, & a grate bon fire was burnin 
 in frunt thareof. A Transpirancy was tied onto the sine post 
 with the follerin wurds — "Give us Liberty or Deth." Old 
 Tompkinsis grosery f was illumernated with 5 tin lantuns and 
 the follerin Transpirancy was in the winder — " The Sub- 
 Mershine Tellergraph & the Baldinsville and Stonefield Plank 
 Boad — the 2 grate eventz of the 19th centerry — may intestines 
 strife never mar their grandjure." Simpkinsis shoe shop was 
 all ablase with kandles and lantuns. A American Eagle was 
 painted onto a flag in a winder — also these wurds, viz — " The 
 Constitooshun must be Presarved." The Skool house was 
 lited up in grate stile and the winders was filld with mottoes, 
 anmng which I notised the follerin — " Trooth smashed to erth 
 shall rize agin— you can't stop her." " The Boy stood on 
 the Burnin Deck whense awl but him had Fled." " Prokras- 
 tinashun is the theaf of Time." " Be virtoous & you will be 
 Happy." " Intemperunse has cawsed a heap of trubble — shun 
 the Bole," an the follerin sentimunt written by the skool 
 master, who graduated at Hudson Kollige. "Baldinsville 
 sends greetin to Her Magisty the Queen, & hopes all hard 
 feelins which has heretofore previs bin felt between the Super- 
 vizers of Baldinsville and the British Parlimunt, if such there 
 has been, may now be forever wiped frum our Escutchuns. 
 Baldinsville this night rejoises over the gerlorious event which 
 sementz 2 grate nashuns onto one anuther by means of a 
 
 * Valise, the small handy portmanteau so common with travellers in the 
 United States, 
 t Qroggery, or bar for the sale of liquors. 
 
CELEBRA TION A T BALDINSVILLE. 47 
 
 elecktric wire under the roarin billers of the Nasty Deep. 
 
 QUOSQUE TANTRUM, A BUTTER, CATEELINY, PATENT NOSTRUM!" 
 
 Squire Smith's house was lited up regardlis of expense. His 
 little sun William Henry stood upon the roof firin orf crackers. 
 The old 'Squire hisself was dressed up in soljer clothes and 
 stood on his door-step, pintin his sword sollumly to a American 
 flag which was suspendid on top of a pole in frunt of his house. 
 Frequiently he wood take orf his cocked hat k wave it round 
 in a impressive stile. His oldest darter Mis Isabeller Smith, 
 who has just cum home from the Perkinsville Female Inster- 
 toot, appeared at the frunt winder in the West room as the god- 
 dis of liberty, & sung " I see them on their windin way." 
 Booteus 1, sed I to myself, you air a angil & nothin shorter. 
 N. Boneparte Smith, the 'Squire's oldest sun, drest hisself up 
 as Venus the God of Wars and red the Decleration of Inder- 
 pendunse from the left chambir winder. The 'Squire's wife 
 didn't jine in the festiverties. She sed it was the tarnulest 
 nonsense she ever seed. Sez she to the 'Squire, " Cum into 
 the house and go to bed you old fool, you. Tomorrer you 11 
 be goin round half-ded with the rumertism & won't gin us a 
 minit's peace till you get well." Sez the 'Squire, " Betsy, you 
 little appresiate the importance of the event which I this night 
 commemerate." Sez she, " Commemerate a cat's tail — cum 
 into the house this instant, you pesky old critter.' - " Betsy," 
 sez the 'Squire, wavin his sword, "retire." This made her 
 just as mad as she could stick. She retired, but cum out 
 agin putty quick with a panfull of Bilin hot water which she 
 throwed all over the 'Squire, & Surs, you wood have split your 
 sides larfin to see the old man jump up and holler & run into 
 the house. Except this unpropishus circumstance all went as 
 merry as a carriage bell, as Lord Byrun sez. Doctor Hutch- 
 insis oflBss was likewise lited up and a Transpirancy on which 
 was painted the Queen in the act of drinkin sum of "Hutch- 
 insis invigorater," was stuck into one of the winders. The 
 Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty noospaper offiss was also illu- 
 
48 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 
 
 mernated, and the follerin mottoes stuck out—" The Press is 
 the Arkermejian leaver which moves the world." "Vote 
 Early." " Buckle on your Armer." " Now is the time to sub- 
 scribe." " Franklin, Morse & Field." " Terms 1 dol. 50 cents 
 a year— liberal reducshuns to clubs." In short the villige of 
 Baldinsville was in a perfect fewroar. I never seed so many 
 peple thar befour in my born days. lie not attemp to describe 
 the seens of that grate night. Wurds wood fale me ef I shood 
 try to do it. I shall stop here a few periods and enjoy my 
 " Oatem cum dig the tates," as our skool master obsarves, in 
 the buzzum of my famerly, & shall then resume the show 
 bizniss, which Ive bin into twenty-two (22) yeres and six (6) 
 months. 
 
 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 
 
 My naburs is mourn harf crazy on the new fangled idear 
 about Sperrets. Sperretooul Sircles is held nitely & 4 or 5 
 long hared fellers has settled here and gone into the sperret 
 bizniss excloosively. A atemt was made to git Mrs A. Ward 
 to embark into the Sperret bizniss, but the atemt faled. 1 of 
 the long hared fellers told her she was a ethereal creeter & 
 wood make a sweet mejium, whareupon she attact him with a 
 mop handle & drove him out of the house. I will hear ob- 
 sarve that Mrs Ward is a invalerble womun — the partner of 
 my goys & the shairer of my sorrers. In my absunse she 
 watchis my interests & things with a Eagle Eye, & when I 
 return she welcums me in afectionate stile. Trooly it is with 
 us as it was with Mr & Mrs Ingomer in the Play, to whit — 
 
 2 soles with bat a single thawt 
 2 liarts which, beet as 1. 
 
 My naburs injooced me to attend a Sperretooul Sircle at 
 Squire Smith's. When I arrove I found the east room chock 
 full includin all the old maids in the villige & the long hared 
 
AMONG THE SPIRITS. 49 
 
 fellers a4sed. When I went in I was salootid with " Hear 
 cnms the benited man" — " Hear cums the hory-heded unbe- 
 leever" — " Hear cums the skoffer at trooth," etsettery, etsettery. 
 
 Sez I, " My frens, it 's troo I 'm hear, & now bring on your 
 Sperrets." 
 
 1 of the long hared fellers riz up and sed he would state a 
 few remarks. He sed man was a critter of intelleck, & was 
 movin on to a Gole. Sum men had bigger intellecks than 
 other men had, and thay wood git to the Gole the soonerest. 
 Sum men was beests & wood never git into the Gole at all. 
 He sed the Erth was materiel but man was immateriel, and 
 hens man was diiferent from the Erth. The Erth, continnered 
 the speaker, resolves round on its own axeltree onct in 24 
 hours, but as man haint gut no axeltree he cant resolve. He 
 sed the ethereal essunce of the koordinate branchis of super- 
 human natur becum mettymorfussed as man progrest in 
 harmonial coexistunce & eventooally anty humanized their- 
 selves & turned into reglar sperretuellers. [This was ver- 
 siiferusly applauded by the cumpany, and as I make it a pint 
 to get along as pleasant as possible, I sung out "Bully* for 
 you, old boy."] i__ 
 
 The cumpany then drew round the table and the Sircle 
 kommenst to go it. Thay axed me if thare was anbody in 
 the Sperret land which I wood like to convarse with. I sed 
 if Bill Tompkins, who was onct my partner in the show biz- 
 niss, was sober, I should like to convarse with him a few 
 periods. 
 
 " Is the Sperret of William Tompkins present 1 " sed 1 of 
 the long hared chaps, and there was three knox on the table. 
 
 Sez I, " William, how goze it, Old Sweetness ? " 
 
 " Pretty ruff, old hoss," he replide. 
 
 That was a pleasant way we had of addressin each other 
 when he was in the flesh. 
 
 * Fine, capital. American vulgarism, used in much the same sense ae 
 our slang expression crack — as, "a Ivlly horse,'' " a bully picture." 
 
50 AMONG THE SPIRITS. 
 
 "Air you in the show bizniss, William?" sed I. 
 
 He sed he was. He sed he & John Bunyan was travelin 
 with a side show in connection with Shakspere, Jonson & 
 Co.'s Circus. He sed old Bun (meanin Mr Bunyan) stired up 
 the animils & ground the organ while he tended door. Occa- 
 shunally Mr Bunyan sung a comic song. The Circus was doin ■ 
 middlin well. Bill Shakspeer had made a grate hit with old 
 Bob Bidley, and Ben Jonson was delitin the peple with his 
 trooly grate ax of hossmanship without saddul or bridal. Thay 
 was rehersin Dixey'sXand & expected it would knock the peple. 
 
 Sez I, " William, my luvly frend, can you pay me that 13 
 dollars you owe me 1" He sed No with one of the most tre- 
 menjis knox I ever experiunsed. 
 
 The Sircle sed he had gpne. " Air you gone, William ? " 
 I axed. " Bayther," he replide, and I knowd it was no use to 
 pursoo the subjeck furder. 
 ■^ I then called fur my farther. 
 
 " How 's things, daddy 1 " 
 
 " Middlin, my son, middlin." 
 
 "Ain't you proud of your orfurn boy 1 " 
 
 " Scacely." 
 
 " Why not, my parient 1 " 
 
 " Becawz you hav gone to writin for the noospapers, my 
 son. Bimeby you '11 lose all your character for trooth and 
 verrasserty. When I helpt you into the show bizniss I told 
 you to dignerfy that there profeshun. Litteratoor is low.'' 
 
 He also statid that he was doin middlin well in the peanut 
 bisniss & liked it putty well, tho' the climit was rather warm. 
 
 When the Sircle stopt thay axed me what I thawt of it. 
 
 Sez I, " My frends I've bin into the show bizniss now goin 
 on 23 years. Theres a artikil in the Constitooshun of the 
 United States which sez in effeck that everybody may think 
 just as he darn pleazes, and them is my sentiments to a hare. 
 You dowtlis beleeve this Sperret doctrin while I think it is a 
 little mixt. Just so soon as a man becums a reglar out & out 
 
ON THE WING. 51 
 
 Sperret rapper lie leeves orf workin, lets his hare grow all over 
 his fase & commensis spungin his livin out of other peple. 
 He eats all the dickshunaries he can find. & goze round chock 
 full of big words, scarein the wimmin folks & little children 
 and destroyin the piece of mind of evry famerlee he enters. 
 He don't do nobody no good & is a cuss to society & a pirit on 
 honest peple's corn beef barrils. Admittin all you say abowt 
 the doctrin to be troo, I must say the reglar perfessional 
 Sperrit rappers — them as makes a bizniss on it — air abowt 
 the most ornery set of cusses I ever enkountered in my life. 
 So sayin I put on my surtoot and went home. — Respectably 
 Yures, 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 ON THE WING, 
 
 Gents of the Editokal Corpse ; — 
 
 Since I last rit you I've met with immense success a showin 
 my show in varis places, particly at Detroit. I put up at Mr 
 Eussel's tavern, a very good tavern too, but I am sorry to in- 
 form you that the clerks tried to cum a Gouge Game on me. 
 I brandished my new sixteen dollar huntin-cased watch round 
 considerable, & as I was drest in my store clothes* & had a 
 lot of sweet-scented wagon-grease on my hair, I am free to 
 confess that I thought I lookt putty gay. It never once 
 struck me that I lookt green. But up steps a clerk & axes 
 me hadn't I better put my watch in the Safe. " Sir," sez I, 
 " that watch cost sixteen dollars ! Yes, Sir, every dollar of 
 
 * Ready-made and fashionable, purchased at a "store," the general 
 name given to all shops, where a variety of goods are sold, in the United 
 States. In the small towns a "store" seUs all manner of articles, from 
 grindstones to ribbons, and barrels of^flour to satin waistcoats and French 
 hats. 
 
52 ON THE WING. 
 
 it ! You can't cum it over me, my boy ! Not at all, Sir." I 
 know'd what the clerk wanted. He wanted that watch him- 
 self. He wanted to make believe as tho he lockt it up in the 
 safe, then he would set the house a fire and pretend as tho the 
 watch was destroyed with the other property ! But he caught 
 aTomarter* when he got hold of me. From Detroit I go 
 West'ard hoe. On the cars was a he-lookin female, with a 
 green-cotton umbreller in one hand and a handful of Eeform 
 tracks the other. She sed every woman should have a 
 Spear. Them as didn't demand their Spears, didn't know 
 what was good for them. " "What is my Spear V she axed, 
 addressin the peple in the cars. " Is it to stay at home & darn 
 stockins, & be the ser-lave of a domineerin man 1 Or is it my 
 Spear to vote & speak & show myself the ekal of man ? Is 
 there a sister in these keers that has her proper Spear ? " 
 Sayin Vhich the eccentric female whirled her umbreller round 
 several times, & finally jabbed me in the weskit with it. 
 
 " I havno objecshuns to your goin into the Spear bizniss,'' 
 sez I,. " but you '11 please remember I ain't a pickeril. Don't 
 Spear me agin, if you please." She sot down. 
 
 At Ann Arbor, bein seized with a sudden faintness, I called 
 for a drop of suthin to drink. As I was stirrin the beverage 
 up, a pale-faced man in gold spectacles laid his hand upon my 
 shoulder, and sed, '-Look not upon the wine when it is red!" 
 
 Sez I, " This ain't wine. This is Old Eye." 
 
 "It stingeth like a Adder and Uteth like a Sarpent!" sed the man. 
 
 " I guess not," sed I, " when you put sugar into it. That's 
 the way I allers take mine." 
 
 " Have you sons grown up, Sir ? " the man axed. 
 , " Wall," I replide, as I put myself outside my beverage^ 
 " my son Artemus junior is goin on 18." 
 
 * Tomato, a common table delicacy in the United States, partaken of 
 at almost every meal. Mr "Ward's mind appears to have been undecided 
 betwixt " Tartar" and " tomato,' - but finally decided that the latter was 
 the correct figure of speech. 
 
ON THE WING. 53 
 
 " Ain't you afraid if you set this example hi him he '11 come 
 to a bad end?" 
 
 " He 's cum to a waxed end already. He 's learnin the shoe 
 makin bizniss," I replide. " I guess we can both of us git 
 along without your assistance, Sir," I obsarved, as lie was 
 about to open his mouth agin. 
 
 " This is a cold world !" sed the man. 
 
 " That 's so. But you '11 get into a warmer one by and by if 
 you don't mind your own bizniss better." I was a little riled 
 at the feller, because I never take anythin only when I 'm on- 
 well. I arterwards learned he was a temperance lecturer, and 
 if he can injuce men to stop settin their inards on fire with the 
 frightful licker which is retailed round the country, I shall 
 1 hartily rejoice. Better give men Prusick Assid to onct, than 
 to pizen 'em to deth by degrees. 
 
 At Albion I met with overwhelmin success. The celebrated 
 Albion Female Semenary is located here, & there air over 300 
 young ladies in the Institushun, pretty enough to eat without 
 seasonin or sass. The young ladies was very kind to me, 
 volunteerin to pin my hanbills onto the backs of their dresses. 
 It was a surblime site to see over 300 young ladies goin round 
 with a advertisement of A. Ward's onparaleld 6how, con- 
 spickusly posted onto their dresses. 
 
 They 've got a Panick up this way and refooze to take 
 Western money. It never was worth much, and when western 
 men, who know what it is, refooze to take their own money, it 
 is about time other folks stopt handlin it. Banks are bustin 
 every day, goin up higher nor any balloon of which we hav 
 any record. These western bankers air a sweet & luvly set of 
 men. I wish I owned as good a house as some of 'em would 
 break into ! 
 
 Virtoo is its own reward. 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
54 THE OCTOROON. 
 
 THE OCTOROON. 
 
 It is with no ordernary feelins of Shagrin & indignashun that 
 I rite you these here lines. Sum of the hiest and most purest 
 feelins whiteh actooate the humin hart has bin trampt onto. 
 The Amerycan flag has bin outrajed. Ive bin nussin a Adder 
 in my Boozum. The fax in the kase is these here : 
 
 A few weeks ago I left Baldinsville to go to N. Y. fur to 
 git out my flamin yeller hanbills fur the Summer kampane," & 
 as I was peroosin a noospaper on the kars a m'iddel aged man 
 in speckterkuls kum & sot down beside onto me. He was 
 drest in black close & was appeerently as fine a man as ever 
 was. 
 
 " A fine day, Sir," he did unto me strateway say. 
 
 " Middlin," sez I, not wishin to kommit myself, tho he 
 peered to be as fine a man as there was in the wurld — " It is 
 a middl in fine day, Square,"* I obsarved. . 
 
 fSezhe, " How« "fares the Ship of State in yu\e regine of 
 'country\" \ 
 
 Sez I, \We don't hay no ships in our\State — the kanawl is 
 our best holt " \ \ 
 
 He pawsed a, minit an*, then sed, " AirYyu aware, S^ir, that 
 the krisis is with, us 1" \ \ 
 
 " No," sez I, getting up and looking underthe seet, "Vhare 
 is she?" 
 
 " It 's hear — it 's every whares," he sed. 
 
 Sez I, " Why how you tawk !" and I gut up agin & lookt 
 all round. " I must say, my fren," I continnered, as I resoomed 
 my seet, " that I kan't see nothin of no krisis myself." I felt 
 sumwhat alarmed, & arose & in a stentowrian voice obsarved 
 that if any lady or gentleman in that there kar had a krisis 
 
 * Squire, in New England phraseology, a magistrate, or justice of the 
 peace ; but throughout the States a very general complimentary title, 
 varied occasionally by major, colonel, general, &c. 
 
THE OCTOROON. 55 
 
 consealed abowt their persons they'd better projuce it to onct 
 or suffer the konsequences. Several individoouls snickered 
 rite out, while a putty little damsell rite behind me in a pine 
 'gown made the observashun, " He, he." 
 
 " Sit down, my fren," sed the man in black close; " yu mis 
 komprehend me. I meen that the perlittercal ellermunts are 
 orecast with black klouds, 4boden a friteful storm.'' 
 
 "Wall," replide I, "in regard to perlittercal elleffunts Idon't 
 know as how but what they is as good as enny other kind 01 
 ellerfunts. But I maik bold to say thay is all a ornery set & 
 unpleasant to hav round. They air powerful hevy eaters & 
 take up a right smart chans of room, & besides thay air as 
 ugly and revenjeful as a Cusscafoarus Injun, with 13 inches of 
 corn whisky in his stummick." The man in black close 
 seemed to be as fine a, man as,ever was in the wurld. He 
 smilt & sed praps I was rite,'tno it was ellermunts instid of 
 ellerfunts that Jm was alludin to^ axed me what was my 
 prinserpuls % / / / / 
 
 /gut enny,/ sed I— not a prjdserpul. Ime in tlte 
 show bi^niss." The man yet! black close, I will^hear obsarve, 
 
 seemed^ to be as :jjne a man as ever Was in the wurld. 1 
 
 1 he,|" you hav feelins into you? You simpathize 
 with the misfortunit, the loly & the hartsick, don't you 1 " 
 He bust into teers, and axed me ef I saw that yung lady in 
 the seet out yender, pintin to as slick a lookin gal as I ever 
 seed. 
 
 Sed I, "2 be shure I see her — is she mutch sick?" The 
 man in black close was appeerently as fine a man as ever was 
 in the wurld ennywhares. 
 
 Draw closter to me," sed the man in black close. " Let 
 git my mowth fernenst yure ear. Hush — shese a Octo- 
 EOON I" s 
 
 "No !" sez I, gittin up in a exsited manner, " yu don't say 
 so ! How long has she bin in that way ?" 
 
 " Frum her arliest infuncy," sed he. 
 
56 THE OCTOROON. 
 
 "Wall, whot upon arth duz she doo it Fur?" I inquired. 
 
 " She kan't help it," sed the man in black close. " It 's the 
 brand of Kane." 
 J'yjTafll, she'd better stop drinkin Kane's brandy," I replide. 
 sed the brand of Kane was upon her — not brandy, my 
 fren. Yure very obtoose." 
 
 I was kpnsiderbul riled at this. Sez I, " MvgfiatfeTSir7 
 Ime a nonrtssistanter as a ginral thing, & dop>ivant to git up 
 no rows withsnobuddy, but I kin nevertheless kave* in enny 
 man's hed tha\calls me a objoes;' r with whitch remarks I 
 kommenst fur to puU'orfjay"extry garmints. " Cum on," sez 
 I—" Time ! hear's.±&S^Beniki Boy fur ye ! " & I darnced round 
 like a poppitr'"He riz up in his seet & axed my pardin — sed 
 it wasldla mistake — that :[ was a good man, etsettery, & sow 
 ,4tli, & we fixt it all up pleasant./ I must say the man in black 
 close seamed to be as finelTman as ever lived in the wurld. 
 He sed a Octoroon was the 8th of a negrow. He likewise 
 statid that the female he was travelin with was formurly a 
 slave' in Mississippy ; that she 'd purchist her freedim <fe now 
 wantid to purchiss the freedim of her poor old muther, who 
 (the man in black close obsarved) was between 87 years of 
 age, & had to do all the cookin & washin for 25 hired 
 men, whitch it was rapidly breakin down her konstitushun. 
 He sed he knowed the minit he gazed onto my klassic & 
 beneverlunt fase that I'd donate librully.& axed me to go over 
 & see her, which I accordinly did. I sot down beside her and 
 sed " Yure Sarvant, Marm ! How do yer git along?" 
 
 She bust in 2 teers <fc said, "0 Sur, I'm so retchid — I 'm a 
 poor unfortunit Octoroon.'' 
 
 * A curious American expression. " Out West," in the lead diggings, 
 after a shaft has been sunk, the earth around the sides falls, or caves in, 
 after a short time, unless the sides are properly boarded. In this way 
 Western people speak of a man's fortune caving in, through neglect or 
 misfortune. In time the expression became employed in other senses, 
 such as to smash in, or flatten, the meaning Mr Ward wishes to convey. 
 
THE OCTOROON. 57 
 
 " So I lam. Yure rather more Boon than Octo, I take it," 
 said I, fur I never seed a puttier gal in the hull endoorin time 
 of my life. She had on a More Antic Barsk & a Poplin Nubier 
 with Berage trimmins onto it, while her Ise & kurls was enuff 
 to make a man jump into a mill pond without biddin his rela- 
 shuns good by. I pittid the Octoroon from the inmost recusses 
 of my hart & hawled out 50 dollars kerslap, & told her to buy 
 her old muther as soon as posserbul. Sez she " Kine sir, 
 mutch thanks." She then lade her hed over onto my showl-. 
 der & sed I was " old rats." I was astonished to heer this 
 obsarvation, which I knowd was never used in refined society, 
 & I perlitely but emfattercly shovd her hed away. 
 
 Sez I, " Mann, I 'm trooly sirprized." 
 
 Sez she, " Git out., Yure the nicist old man I 've seen yit. 
 Give us anuther 50 ! " Had a seleck assortment of the most 
 tremenjious thunderbolts descended down onto me I couldn't 
 hav bin more takin aback. I jumpt up, but she ceased my 
 coat tales, & in a wild voise cride, " No, He never desart you 
 — let us fli together to a furrin shoor I" 
 
 Sez I, " Not mutch we won't," and I made a powerful effort 
 to get awa from her. " This is plade out," I sed, whereupon 
 she jerkt me back into the seet. " Leggo my coat, you scan- 
 daluss female," I roared, when she set up the most unarthly 
 yellin and hollerin you ever heerd. The passinjers & the gen- 
 tlemunly konducter rusht to the spot, & I don't think I ever 
 experiunsed sich a rumpus in the hull coarse ofmy natral 
 dase. The man in black close rusht up to me & sed, " How 
 dair yu insult my neece, you horey heded vagabone? You 
 base exhibbiter of low wax figgers — yu woolf in sheep's 
 close," & sow 4th. 
 
 I was konfoozed. I was a loonytick fur the time bein, and 
 offered 5 dollars reward to enny gentleman of good morrul 
 carracter, who wood tell me whot my name was & what town 
 I livd into. The konducter kum to me & sed the insultid 
 parties wood settle for 50 dollars, which I immejitly hawled 
 
S 8 EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. 
 
 out, & agane implored sumbuddy to state whare I was prinsi- 
 pully, & if I shood be thare a grate while myself ef things went 
 on as they'd bin goin fur sum time back. I then axed if there 
 was enny more Octoroons present, " becawz," sez I, " ef there 
 is, let um cum along, fur Ime in the' Octoroon bizniss." I 
 then threw my specterculs out of the winder, smasht my hat 
 wildly down over my Ise, larfed highsterically, & fell under a 
 seet. I lay there sum time k fell asleep. I dreamt Mrs Ward 
 & the twins had bin carrid orf by Eyenosserhosses, <fe that 
 Baldinsville had bin captered by a army of Octoroons. When 
 I awoked the lamps was a burnin dimly. Sum of the pas- 
 sinjers was a snorein like pawpusses, & the little damsell in 
 the pine gown was singin " Oft in the Silly nite." The on- 
 prinsipuld Octoroon & the miserbul man in black close was 
 gone, ifc all of a suddent it flasht ore my brane that I 'd bin 
 swindild. 
 
 EXPERIENCE AS AN EDITOR. 
 
 In the Ortum of 18 — my frend, the editor of the Baldins- 
 ville Bugle, was obleged to leave perfeshernal dooties & go & 
 dig his taters, & he axed me to edit for him doorin his ab- 
 sence. Accordinly I ground up his Shears and commenced. 
 It didn't take me a grate while to slash out copy enuff from 
 the xchanges * for one issoo, and I thawt I 'd ride up to the 
 next town on a little Jaunt, to rest my Branes, which had 
 bin severely rackt by my mental efforts. (This is sorter 
 Ironical.) So I went over to the Bale Boad offiss and axed 
 the Sooprintendent for a pars. 
 
 " You a editer 1" he axed, evijently on the pint of snickerin. 
 
 * Perhaps five per cent, of the Western newspapers is original matter 
 relating to the immediate neighbourhood, the rest is composed of " tele- 
 graphs " and clippings from the " exchanges '%— a general term applied to 
 those papers posted in exchange for others, the accommodation being a 
 mutual benefit. 
 
BERLIN. 59 
 
 " Yes Sir," sez I ; " don't I look poor enuff '? " 
 
 " Just about," sed he, " but our Eoad can't pars you." 
 • "Can't, hay?" 
 
 "No Sir— it can't." 
 
 " Beeauz," sez I, looMn him full in the face with a Eagle 
 eye, " it goes so darned slow it can't pars anybody ! " Methinks I 
 had him thar. It 's the slowest Rale Eoad in the "West. "With 
 a mortifi'ed air, he told me to git out of his offiss. I pittid 
 him and went. 
 
 OBERLIN. 
 
 About two years ago I arrove in Oherlin, Ohio. Oberlin is 
 whare the celebrated college is.. In fack, Oberlin is the 
 college, everything else in that air vicinity resolvin around ex- 
 cloosivly for the benefit of that institution. It is a very good 
 college, too, & a grate many wurthy yung men go there an- 
 nooally to git intelleck into 'em. But its my onbiassed 'pinion 
 that they go it rather too strong on Ethiopians at Oberlin. 
 But that's nun of my bizniss. I'm into the Show. bizniss. 
 Yit as a faithful historan I must menshun the fack that on 
 rainy dase white peple can't find their way threw the streets 
 without the gas is lit, there bein such a numerosity of cullerd 
 pussons in the town. 
 
 As I^was sayin, I arroved at Oberlin, and called on Perfesser 
 Peck for the purpuss of skewerin Kolonial Hall to exhibit my 
 wax works and beests of Pray into. Kolonial Hall is in the 
 college and is used by the stujents to speak peaces and read' 
 essays into. 
 
 Sez Perfesser Peck, " Mister "Ward, I don't know 'bout this 
 bizniss. "What air your sentiments ? " 
 
 Sez I, " I hain't got any." 
 
 " Good God ! " cried the Perfesser, "did I understan you 
 to say you hav no sentiments ? " , 
 
60 OBERLIN. 
 
 " Nary a sentiment ! " sez I. 
 
 " Mister Ward, don't your blud bile at the thawt that three 
 million and a half of your culled brethren air a clankin their 
 chains in the South ? " 
 
 ' Sez I, " Not a bile ! Let 'em clank ! " 
 
 He was about to continner his flowry speech when I put a 
 stopper on him. Sez I, " Perfesser Peck, A. Ward is my 
 name & Ameriky is my nashun; I'm allers the same, tho' 
 humble is my station, and I 've bin in the show bizniss goin on 
 22 years. The pint is, can I hav your Hall by payin a fair 
 price ? You air full of sentiments. That 's your lay,* while 
 I 'm a exhibiter of startlin curiosities. What d'ye say ? " 
 
 " Mister Ward, you air endowed with a hily practical mind, 
 and while I deeply regret that you. air devoid of sentiments, 
 I '11 let you hav the hall provided your exhibition is of a moral 
 & elevatin nater." 
 
 Sez I, " Tain't nothin shorter.'' 
 
 So I opened in Kplonial Hall, which was crowded every 
 nite with stujents, &c. Perfesser Finny gazed for hours at 
 my Kangaroo, but when that sagashus but onprincipled little 
 cuss set up one of his onarthly yellins and I proceeded to hoss- 
 whip him, the Perfesser objected. " Suffer not your angry 
 pashuns to rise up at the poor annimil's little excentrissities," 
 said the Perfesser. 
 
 " Do you call such conduck as those a little excentrissity ? " 
 I axed. 
 
 " I do," sed he ; sayin which he walked up to the cage and 
 sez he, " Let 's try moral swashun upon the poor creeter." So 
 he put his hand upon the Kangaroo's hed and said, " Poor 
 little feller — poor little feller — your master is very crooil, isn't 
 he, my untootered frend 1 " when the Kangaroo, with a terrific 
 yell, grabd the Perfesser by the hand and cum very near 
 chawin it orf. It was amoozin to see the Perfesser jump up 
 
 * Terms or conditions of a bargain, price. A low word used in New 
 England, probably a contraction for outlay. 
 
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 61 
 
 and scream with pane. Sez I, " That's one of the poor little 
 feller's excentrissities ! " 
 
 Sez he, " Mister Ward, that 's a dangerous quadruped. He 's 
 totally depraved. I will retire and do my lasserated hand up 
 in a rag, and meanwhile I request you to meat out summery and 
 severe punishment to the vishus beest." I hosswhipt the little 
 cuss for upwards of 15 minutes. Guess I licked sum of his 
 excentrissity out of him. 
 
 Oberlin is a grate plase. The College opens with a prayer 
 and then the New York Tribune is read. A kolleckshun is 
 then taken up to buy overkoats with red horn buttons onto 
 them for the indignant cullured people of Kanady. I have to 
 contribit librally two the glowrius work, as they kawl it hear. 
 I 'm kompelled by the Fackulty to reserve front seets in my 
 show for the cullured peple. At the Boardin House the 
 cullured peple sit at the first table. What they leeve is maid 
 into hash for the white peple. As I don't like the idee of 
 eatin my vittles with Ethiopians, I sit at the seckind table, 
 and the konsequence is I 've devowered so much hash that my 
 inards is in a hily mixt up condishun. Fish bones hav maid 
 their appearance all over my boddy, and pertater peelins air a 
 springin up through my hair. Howsever I don't mind it. 
 I 'm gettin along well in a pecunery pint of view. The College 
 has konfired upon me the honery title of T. K., of which I 'm 
 suffishuntly prowd. 
 
 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 
 
 Thaee was many affectin ties which made me hanker arter 
 Betsy Jane. Her father's farm jined our'n; their cows and 
 our'n squencht their thurst at the same spring ; our old mares 
 both had stars in their forrerds ; the measles broke ^ut in both 
 famerlies at nearly the same period ; our parients (Betsy's and 
 mine) slept reglarly every Sunday in the same meetin house, 
 
62 THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 
 
 and the nabers used to obsarve, " How thick the Wards and 
 Peasleys air ! " It was a surblime site, in the Spring of the 
 year, to see our sevral mothers (Betsy's and mine) with their 
 gowns pin'd up so thay couldn't sile 'em, affecshunitly Bilin 
 sope together & aboozin the nabers. 
 
 Altho I hankerd intensly arter the objeck of my affecshuns, 
 I darsunt tell her of the fires which was rajin in my manly 
 Buzzum. I 'd try to do it, but my tung would kerwollup* up 
 agin the roof of my mowth & stick thar, like deth to a deseast 
 Afrikan. or a country postmaster to his offiss, while my hart 
 whanged agin my ribs like a old fashioned wheat Flale agin a 
 barn door. 
 
 'Twas a carm still nite in Joon. All nater was husht and 
 nary zeffer disturbed the sereen silens. I sot with Betsy Jane 
 on the fense of her farther's pastur. We 'd been rompin threw 
 the woods, kullin flours & drivin the woodchuck from his 
 Nativ Lair (so to speak) with long sticks. Wall we sot thar 
 on the fense, a swingin our feet two and fro, blushin as red as 
 the Baldinsville skool house when it was fust painted, and 
 lookin very simple, I make no doubt. My left arm was 
 ockepied in ballunsin myself on the fense, while my rite was 
 woundid luvinly round her waste. 
 
 . I cleared my throat and tremblinly sed, " Betsy, you 're a 
 Gazelle." 
 
 I thought that air was putty fine. I waitid to see what 
 effeck it would hav upon her. It evidently didn't fetch her, 
 for she up and sed : 
 
 " You 're a sheep ! " 
 
 Sez I, " Betsy, I think very muchly of you." 
 
 " I don't b'leeve a word you say — so there now cum ! " with 
 which obsarvashun she hitched away from me. 
 
 " I wish thar was winders to my Sole," sed I, " so that you 
 could see some of my feelins. There 's fire enuff in here," sed 
 
 * A similar expression to that mentioned in foot-note at p. 43, which see. 
 
THE SHOWMAN'S COURTSHIP. 63 
 
 I, strikin my buzzum with my fist, " to bile all the corn beef 
 and turnips in the naberhood. Versoovius and the Critter 
 ain't a circumstans ! " 
 
 She bowd her hed down and commenst chawin the strings 
 to her sun bonnet. 
 
 " Ar could you know the sleeplis nites I worry threw with 
 on your account, how vittles has seized to be attractiv to me, 
 & how my lims has shrunk up, you wouldn't dowt me. Gase 
 on this wastin form and these 'ere sunken cheeks " • 
 
 I should have continnered on in this strane probly for sum 
 time, but unfortnitly I lost my ballunse and fell over into the 
 pastur ker smash,* tearin my close and seveerly damagin my- 
 self ginerally. 
 
 Betsy Jane sprung to my assistance in dubble quick time 
 and dragged me 4th. Then drawin herself up to her full hite 
 she sed : 
 
 " I won't listen to your noncents no longer. Jes say rite 
 strate out what you 're drivin at. If you mean' gettin hitched, 
 I'm in!" 
 
 I considered that air enuff for all practical purpusses, and 
 we proceeded immejitly to the parson's & was made 1 that 
 very nite. 
 
 I 've parst threw many tryin ordeels sins then, but Betsy 
 Jane has bin troo as steel. By attendin strickly to bizniss 
 I 've amarsed a handsum Pittance. No man on this foot-stool 
 can rise & git- up & say I ever knowinly injered no man or 
 wimmin folks, while all agree that my Show is ekalled by few 
 and exceld by none, embracin as it does a wonderful colleck- 
 shun of livin wild Beests of Pray, snaix in grate profushun, a 
 endliss variety of life-size wax Aggers, & the only traned kan- 
 garoo in Ameriky — the most amoozin little cuss ever introjuced 
 to a discriminatin public. 
 
 * See foot note, p. 43. 
 
64 . THE CRISIS. 
 
 THE CRISIS. 
 
 [This Oration was delivered before the commencement of the war.] 
 
 On returnin to my humsted in Baldinsville, Injianny,; 
 resuntly. my feller sitterzens extended a invite for me to 
 norate to 'em on the Krysis. I excepted & on larst Toosday 
 nite I peared be4 a C of upturned faces in the Eed Skool 
 House. I spoke nearly as follers : 
 
 Baldinsvillins : Hearto4, as I hav numerously obsarved, I 
 have abstrained from having any sentimunts or principles, my 
 pollertics, like my religion, bein of a exceedin accommodatin 
 >" character. But the fack can't be no longer disgised that a 
 Krysis is onto us, & I feel it 's my dooty to accept your invite 
 for one consecutive nite only. I spose the inflammertory 
 individooals who assisted in projucing this Krysis know what 
 good she will do, but I ain't 'shamed to state that I don't, 
 scacely. But the Krysis is hear. She 's bin hear for sevral 
 weeks, & Goodness nose how long she '11 stay. But I venter 
 to assert that she 's rippin things. She 's knockt trade into a 
 cockt up hat and chaned Bizniss of all kinds tighter nor I 
 ever chaned any of my livin wild Beests. Alow me to hear 
 dygress & stait that my Beests at present is as harmless as the 
 new-born Babe. Ladys & gentlemen needn't hav no fears on 
 that pint. To resoom — Altho I can't exactly see what good 
 this Krysis can do, I can very quick say what the origernal 
 cawz of her is. The origernal cawz is Oar Afrikan Brother. 
 I was into Barnim's Moozeum down to New York the other 
 clay, & saw that exsentric Ethiopian, the What Is It. Sez I, 
 " Mister What Is It, your folks air raisin thunder with this 
 grate country. You're gettin to be ruther more numeris 
 than interestin. It is a pity you coodent go orf sumwhares 
 by yourselves, & be a nation of What Is Its, tho' if you '11 
 excoose me, I shooden't care about marryin among you. No 
 dowt you 're exceedin charmin to hum, but your stile of luv- 
 
THE CRISIS. 65 
 
 liness isn't adapted to this cold climit." He larfed into my 
 face, which rather Riled me, as I had been perfec'kly virtoous 
 and respectable in my observashuns. So sez I, turnin a leetle 
 - red in the face I spect, " Do you hay the unblushin impoo- 
 dents to say you folks haven't raised a big mess of thunder in 
 this brite land, Mister What Is It? " He larfed agin, wusser 
 nor be4, whareupon I up and sez, " Go home, Sir, to Afriky's 
 burnin shores & taik all the other What Is Its along -with 
 you. Don't think we can't spair your interestin picters. 
 You What Is Its air on the pint of stnashin up the gratest 
 Guv'ment ever erected by man, & you actooally hav the 
 owdassity to larf about it. Go home, you low cuss ! " 
 
 I was workt up to a high pitch, & I proceeded to a Eesto- 
 rator & cooled orf with some little fishes biled in ile — I b'leeve 
 they call 'em sardeens. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens, the Afrikan may be Our Brother. Sevral 
 hily respectyble gentlemen, and sum talentid females, tell us 
 so, & fur argyment's sake I mite be injooced to grant it, 
 tho' I don't beleeve it myself. But the Afrikan isn't our 
 sister & our wife & our uncle. He isn't sevral of our brothers 
 & all our fust wife's relashuns. He isn't our grandfather, and 
 our grate grandfather, and our Aunt in the country. Scacely. 
 & yit numeris persons would have us think so. It 's troo he 
 runs Congress & sevral other public grosserys,* but then he 
 ain't everybody & everybody else likewise. [Notiss to bizniss 
 man of Vanity Fair :t Exfcry charg fur this larst remark. 
 It'sagoak.— A. W.] 
 
 But we 've got the Afrikan, or ruther he 's got us, & now 
 
 ; * The name given to the bar-rooms and grog-shops in the United 
 States, where many political arrangements are effected ; just as at 
 Washington no inconsiderable quantity of liquor is consumed in the 
 "groceries," or refreshment-rooms attached to the legislative halls — a sly 
 comparison, on the part of Mr Ward, betwixt two American institutions, 
 which should be — but are not — very dissimilar in certain popular 
 features. 
 
 t An illustrated comic periodical published in New York. 
 
 E 
 
65 THE CRISIS. 
 
 what air we going to do about it 1 He's a orful noosanse. 
 Praps he isn't to blame fur it. Praps he was creatid fur sum 
 wise purpuss, like the measles and New Englan Rum, but it's 
 mity hard to see it. At any rate he 's no good here, & as I 
 statid to Mister What Is It, it 's a pity he cooden't go orf sum- 
 whares quietly by hisself, whare he cood wear red weskits & 
 •speckled neckties, & gratterfy his ambishun in varis interestin 
 wase, without havin a eternal fuss kickt up about him. 
 
 Praps I 'm bearin down too hard upon Cuffy. Cum to think 
 on it, I am. He wooden't be sich a infernal noosanse if white 
 peple would let him alone. He mite indeed be interestin. 
 And now I think of it, why can't the white peple let him 
 alone. What 's the good of continnerly stirrin him up with a 
 ten-foot pole ? He isn't the sweetest kind of Perfoomery when 
 in a natfal stait. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens, the Union 's in danger. The black devil 
 Disunion is trooly here, starein us all squarely in the face ! 
 We must drive him back. Shall we make a 2nd Mexico ' of 
 ourselves ? Shall we sell our birthrite for a mess of potash ? 
 Shall one brother put the knife to the throat of anuther 
 brother ? Shall we mix our whisky with each others' blud ? 
 Shall the star-spangled Banner be cut up into dishcloths? 
 Standin here in -this here Skoolhouse, upon my nativ shore so 
 to speak, I anser — Nary ! 
 
 Oh you fellers who air raisin this row, & who in the fust 
 place startid it, I 'm 'shamed of you. The Showman blushes 
 for you, from his' boots to the topmost hair upon his wener- 
 able hed. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens, I am in the Sheer and Yeller leaf. I shall 
 peg out 1 of these dase. But while I do stop here I shall stay 
 in the Union. ' I know not what the supervizers of Baldins- 
 ville may conclude to do, but for one, I shall stand by the 
 Stars & Stripes. Under no circumstances whatsomever will I 
 sesesh. Let every Stait in the Union sesesh & let Palmetter 
 flags note thicker nor shirts on Square Baxter's close line, still 
 
WAX FIGURES v. SHAKSPEARE. 67 
 
 will I stick to the good old flag. The country may go to the 
 devil, hut I won't ! • And next Summer, when I start out on 
 my kampane with my Show, wharever I pitch my little tent, 
 you shall see floatin prowdly from the center pole thereof 
 the Amerikan Flag, with nary a star wiped out, nary a stripe 
 less, but the same old flag that has allers flotid thar ! & the 
 price of admishun will be the same it allers was — 15 cents, 
 children half price. 
 
 Feller Sitterzens, I am dun. Accordingly I squatted. 
 
 WAX FIGURES v. SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 Onto the wing, 1859. 
 
 Mr Editor, — 
 
 I take my Pen in hand to inform yu that I 'm in good helth, 
 and trust these few lines will find yu injoyin the same 
 blessins. I wood also state that I'm now on the summir 
 kampane. As the Poit sez — 
 
 ime erflote, ime erflote 
 On the Swift rollin tied 
 An the Rovir is free. 
 
 Bizniss is scacely middlin, but Sirs I manige to pay for my 
 foode and raiment puncktooally and without no grumblin. 
 The barked arrers of slandur has bin leviled at the undersined 
 moren onct sins heze bin into the show bizniss, but I make 
 bold to say no man on this footstule kan troothfully say I ever 
 ronged him or eny of his folks. I'm travelin with a tent, 
 which is better nor hirin hauls. My show konsists of a serious 
 of wax works, snakes, a paneramy kalled a Grand Movin Diarea 
 of the War in the Crymear, komic songs and the Kangeroo, 
 which larst little cuss continners to konduct hisself in the most 
 outrajus stile. I started out with the idear of makin my show 
 a grate Moral Entertainment, but I 'm kompeled to sware so 
 
68 WAX FIGURES v. SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 much at that air infurnal Kangeroo that I 'm frade this desine 
 will be flustratid to some extent. And while speakin of mor- 
 rality, remines me that sum folks turn up their nosis at shows 
 like mine, sayin they is low and not fit to be patrernized by 
 peple of high degree. Sirs, I manetane that this is infernul 
 nonsense. I manetane that wax figgers is more elevatin than 
 awl the plays ever wroten. Take Shakespeer for instunse. 
 Peple think heze grate things, but I kontend heze quite the 
 reverse to the kontrary. "What sort of sense is thare to King 
 Leer who goze' round cussin his darters, chawin hay and throin 
 straw at folks, and larfin like a silly old koot,* and makin a 
 ass of hiss'elf ginerally 1 Thare 's Mrs Mackbeth — sheze a nise 
 kind of woomon to have round, aint she, a puttin old Mack, 
 her husband, up to slayin Dunkan with a cheeze knife, while 
 heze payin a frendly visit to their house. its hily morral, 
 I spoze, when she larfs wildly and sez, " Gin me the daggurs — 
 He let his bowels out," or words to that effeek — I say, this is 
 awl strickly propper I spoze ? That Jack Fawlstarf is likewise 
 a immoral old cuss, take him how ye may, and Hamlick is as 
 crazy as a loon. Thare's Eichurd the Three— peple think heze 
 grate things, but I look upon him in the lite of a monkster. 
 He kills everybody he takes a noshun to in kold blud, and 
 then goze to sleep in his tent. Bimeby he wakes up and yells 
 for a hoss so he kan go orf and kill sum more peple. If he 
 isent a fit spesserman for the gallers then I shood like to know 
 whare you find um. Thare 's largo who is more ornery nor 
 pizen. See how shamful he treated that hily respecterble 
 injun gentlemun, Mister Otheller, makin him for to beleeve 
 his wife was two thick with Casheo. Obsarve how largo got 
 Casheo drunk as a biled owl on corn whisky in order to karry 
 out his sneekin desines. See how he wurks Mister Otheller's 
 feelins up so that he goze and makes poor Desdemony swaller 
 
 * The name of a small water-fowl, which, when pursued, buries its head 
 in the mud. Often used in the United States in the sense of stupid, as 
 " he is as stupid as a coot." 
 
AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 69 
 
 a piller which cawses her deth. But I must stop. At sum 
 futur time I shall continner my remarks on the dramer, in 
 which I shall show the varst supeeriority of wax figgers and 
 snakes over theater plays, in a interlectooal pint of view. — 
 Very Eespectively Yures, 
 
 A. Ward, T.K. 
 
 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS.* 
 
 Some years ago I pitched my tent and onfurled my banner 
 to the breeze in Berlin Hites, Ohio. I had hearn that Berlin 
 Hites was ockepied by a extensive seek called Free Lovers, 
 who beleeved in affinertys and sich, goin back on their do- 
 mestic ties without no hesitation whatsomever. They was 
 likewise spirit rappers and high presher reformers on gineral 
 principles. If I can improve these 'ere misgided peple by 
 showin them my onparalleld show at the usual low price of 
 admitants, methunk, I shall not hav lived in vane ! But bit- 
 terly did I cuss the day I ever sot foot in the retchid place. 
 I sot up my tent in a field near the Love Cure, as they called 
 it, and bimeby the free lovers begun for to congregate around 
 •the door. A ornreer set I have never sawn. The men's faces 
 was all covered with hare, and they lookt half-starved to deth. 
 They didn't wear no weskuts, for the purpuss (as they sed) of 
 allowin the free air of hevun to blow onto their buzzums. 
 Their pockets was filled with tracks and pamplits, and they 
 was bare-footed. They sed the Postles didn't wear boots, & 
 why should they 1 That was their stile of argyment. The 
 wimin was wuss than the men. They wore trowsis, short 
 
 * Some queer people, calling themselves " Free Lovers," and possessing 
 very original ideas about life and morality, established themselves at Berlin 
 Heights, in Ohio, a few years since. Public opinion was resistlessly against 
 them, however, and the association was soon disbanded. 
 
70 AMONG THE FREE LOVERS. 
 
 gownds, straw hats with green ribbins, and all carried bloo 
 cotton umbrellers. 
 
 Presently a perfeckly orful lookin female presented herself 
 at the door. Her gownd was skanderlusly short, and her 
 trowsis was shameful to behold. 
 
 She eyed me over very sharp, and then startin back she sed, 
 in a wild voice : 
 
 " Ah, can it be 1 " 
 
 "Which? "said I. 
 
 " Yes, 'tis troo, 'tis troo ! " 
 
 "15 cents, marm," I anserd. 
 
 She bust out a cryin & sed : 
 
 " And so I hav found you at larst— at larst, at larst ! " 
 
 " Yes,"- 1 anserd, " you have found me at larst, and you 
 would have found me at fust, if you had cum sooner." 
 
 She grabd me vilently by the coat collar, and brandishin her 
 umbreller wildly round, exclaimed : 
 
 " Air you a man 1 " 
 
 Sez I, " I think I air, but if you doubt it, you can address 
 Mrs A. "Ward, Baldinsville, Injianny, postage pads, & she will 
 probly giv you the desired informashun." 
 
 " Then thou ist what the cold world calls marrid 1 " 
 
 " Madam, I istest ! " 
 
 The exsentric female then clutched me franticly by the arm 
 and hollerd : 
 
 " You air mine, you air mine ! " 
 
 " Scacely," I sed, endeverin to git loose from her. But she 
 clung to me and sed : 
 
 " You air my Affinerty ! " 
 
 " What upon arth is that ? " I shouted. 
 
 " Dost thou not know ? " 
 
 " No, I dostent ! " 
 
 " Listin, man, & I '11 tell ye ! " sed the strange female ; " for 
 years I hav yearned for thee. I knowd thou wast in the 
 world, sumwhares, tho I didn't know whare. My hart sed he 
 
SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG. 71 
 
 would cum and I took courage. He has cum — he 's here — 
 you air him — you air my'Affinerty ! 'tis too mutch ! too 
 mutch ! " and she sobbed agin. 
 
 " Yes," I anserd, " I think it is a darn site too mutch ! " 
 
 " Hast thou not yearned for me ? " she yelled, ringin her 
 hands like a female play acter.. 
 
 " Not a yearn ! " I bellerd at the top of my voice, throwin 
 her away from me. 
 
 The free lovers who was standin round obsarvin the scene 
 commenst for to holler "shame !" "beast,'' etsettery, etsettery. 
 
 I was very much riled, and fortifyin myself with a spare 
 tent stake, I addrest hem as follers : " You pussylanermus 
 critters, go way from me and take this retchid woman with 
 you. I 'm a law-abidin man, and bleeve in good, old-fashioned 
 institutions. I am marrid & my orfsprings resemble me, if I 
 am a showman ! I think your Affinity bizniss is cussed non- 
 cehts, besides bein outrajusly wicked. Why don't you behave 
 desunt like other folks ? Go to work and earn a honist livin, 
 and not stay round here in this lazy, shiftless way, pizenin the 
 moral atmosphere with your pestifrous idees ! You wimin 
 folks, go back to your lawful husbands if you 've got any, and 
 take orf them skanderlous gownds and trowsis, and dress 
 respectful like other wimin. You men folks, cut orf them 
 pirattercal whiskers, burn up them infurnel pamplits, put sum 
 weskuts on, go to work choppin wood, splittin fence rales, or 
 tillin the sile. I pored 4th my indignashun in this way till I 
 got out of breth, when I stopt. I shant go to Berlin Hites 
 agin, not if I live to be as old as Methooseler. 
 
 SCANDALOUS DOINGS AT PITTSBURG. 
 
 Hear in the Buzzum of my famerly I am enjoyin myself, at 
 peas with awl mankind and the wimin folks likewize. I go 
 
72 SCANDALO US DOINGS A T PITTSBURG. 
 
 down to the villige ockashunly and take a little old Eye fur 
 the stummuck's sake, but I avoyd spiritus lickers as a ginral 
 thing. No man evir seen me intossikated but onct, and that 
 air happind in Pittsburg. A parsel of ornery cusses in that 
 luvly sity bustid inter the hawl durin the nite and aboosed 
 my wax works shaimful. I didn't obsarve the outrajus trans- 
 acshuns ontil the next evening when the peple begun for to 
 kongregate. Suddinly they kommensed fur to larf and holler 
 in a boysterious stile. Sez I good peple what 's up 1 Sez thay 
 them.'s grate wax wurks, isn't they, old man. I immejitly 
 looked up ter whare the wax works was, and my blud biles as 
 I think of the site which then met my Gase. I hope two be 
 dodrabbertid * if them afoursed raskals hadent gone and put 
 a old kavedt in hat onter George Washington's hed and 
 shuved a short black klay pipe inter his mouth. His noze 
 thay had painted red and his trowsis legs thay had shuved 
 inside his butes. My wax figger of Napoleon Boneypart was 
 likewise mawltreatid. His sword wus danglin tween his legs, 
 and his cockd hat was drawn klean down over his ize, and he 
 was plased in a stoopin posishun lookin zactly as tho he was 
 as drunk as a biled owl. Ginral Taylor was a standin on his 
 hed and Wingfield Skott's koat tales ware pind over his hed 
 and his trowsis ware kompleetly torn orf frum hisself. My 
 wax works representin the Lord's Last Supper was likewise 
 aboozed. Three of the Postles ware under the table and two 
 of um had on old tarpawlin hats and raggid pee jackits and 
 ware smokin pipes. Judus Iskarriot had on a cocked hat and 
 was appeerently drinkin, as a Bottle of whisky sot befour him. 
 This ere specktercal was too much fur me. I klosed the show 
 and then drowndid my sorrers in the flowin Bole. 
 
 * Dod-rabit is an American euphemism for a profane expression which 
 is quite as common in this country as on the other Bide of the Atlantic, 
 t See foot-note, p. 56. 
 
I 
 
 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 73 
 
 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 It is now goin on. 2 (too) yeres, as I very well remember, since 
 I crossed the Planes for Kaliforny, the Brite land of Jold. 
 While crossin the Planes all so bold, I fell in with sum noble 
 red men of the forest (N.B. — This is rote Sarcasticul. Injins 
 is Pizin, whar ever found,) which thay Sed I was their Brother, 
 & wantid for to smoke the Calomel of Peace with me. Thay 
 then stole my jerkt beef, blankits, etsettery, skalpt my orgin 
 grinder, & scooted with a Wild Hoop. Durin. the Cheaf's 
 techin speech he sed he shood meet me in the Happy Huntin 
 Grounds. If he duz thare will be a fite. But enuff of this ere. 
 Reven Noose Muttons, as our skoolmaster, who has got Talent 
 into him, cussycally obsarves. 
 
 I arrove at Salt Lake in doo time. At Camp Scott there 
 was a lot of U.S. sojers, hosstensibly sent out thare to smash 
 the mormons, but really to eat Salt vittles & play poker * & 
 other beautiful but sumwhat onsartin games. I got acquainted 
 with sum of the officers. Thay lookt putty scrumpshus in their 
 Bloo coats with brass buttings onto um, & ware very talented 
 drinkers, but so fur as iitin is consarned I 'd willingly put my 
 wax figgers agin the hull party. 
 
 My desire was to exhibit my grate show in Salt Lake City, 
 so I called on Brigham Yung, the grate mogull amung the 
 mormins, and axed Ms permishun to pitch my tent and onfurl 
 my banner to the jentle breezis. He lookt at me in a austeer 
 manner for a few minits, and sed : 
 
 " Do you bleeve in Solomon, Saint Paul, the immaculateness 
 of the Mormin Church, and the Latter-day Eevelashuns % " 
 
 Sez I, " I'm on it ! " I make it a pint to git along plesunt, 
 tho I didn't know what under the Son the old feller was drivin 
 at. He sed I mite show. 
 
 * A favourite game at cards with Western gamblers ; corruption of the 
 old English Post anbZ Paire. 
 
74 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUJVa 
 
 , " You air a marrid man; Mister Yung, I bleeve ? " sez I, 
 preparin to rite him sum free parsis. 
 
 " I hev eighty wives, Mister Ward. I sertinly am marrid." 
 
 " How do you like it as far as you hev got ? " sed I. 
 
 He sed "middlin,'' and axed me wouldn't I like to see his 
 famerly, to which I replide that I wouldn't mind minglin with 
 the fair Seek <fc Barskin in the winnin smiles of his interestin 
 wives. He accordingly tuk me to his Scareum. The house is 
 powerful big, & in a exceedin large room was his wives & 
 children, which larst was squawkin and hollerin enuff to take 
 the roof rite orf the house. The wimin was of all sizes and ages. 
 Sum was pretty & sum was plane — sum was helthy and sum 
 was on the Wayne — which is verses, tho sich was not my in- 
 tentions, as I don't 'prove of puttin verses in Proze rittins, 
 tho ef occashun requires I can Jerk a Poim ekal to any of 
 them Atlantic Munthly fellers. 
 
 "My wives, Mister Ward," sed Yung.. 
 
 " Your sarvant, marms," sed I, as I sot down in a cheer 
 which a red-heded female brawt me. 
 
 " Besides these wives you see here, Mister Ward," sed 
 Yung, " I hav eighty more in varis parts of this consecrated 
 land which air Sealed to me." 
 
 " Which ? " sez I, gittin up & starin at him. 
 
 " Sealed, Sir ! sealed." 
 
 " Whare bowts 1 " sez I. 
 
 " I sed, Sir, that they was sealed ! " He spoke in a traggerdy 
 voice. 
 
 " Will they probly continner on in that stile to any grate 
 extent, Sir ? " I axed. 
 
 " Sir," sed he, turnin as red as a biled beet, " don't you 
 know that the rules of our Church is that I, the Profit, may 
 hev as meny wives as I wants ? " 
 
 " Jes so," I sed. " You are old pie, ain't you V 
 
 " Them as is Sealed to me — that is to say, to be mine when I 
 
A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 75 
 
 ■wants urn — air at present my sperretooul -wives," said Mister 
 Yung. 
 
 " Long may thay wave !" sez I, seein I shood git into a 
 scrape ef I didn't look out. 
 
 In a privit conversashun with Brigham I learnt the follerin 
 fax : It takes him six weeks to kiss his wives. He don't do it 
 only onct a yere & sez it is wuss nor cleanin house. He don't 
 pretend to know his children, there is so many of um, tho 
 they all know him. He sez about every child he meats calls 
 him Par, & he takes it for grantid it is so. His wives air very 
 expensiv. Thay allers want suthin, h ef he don't buy it for 
 um thay set the house in a uproar. He sez he don't have a 
 minit's peace. His wives fite amung theirselves so much that 
 he has bilt a fitin room for thare speshul benefit, & when too 
 of 'em get into a row he has em turnd loose into that place, 
 whare the dispoot is settled accordin to the rules of the Lon- 
 don prize ring. Sumtimes thay abooz hisself individooally. 
 Thay hev pulled the most of his hair out at the roots, & he 
 wares meny a horrible scar upon his body, inflicted with mop- 
 handles, broom-sticks and sich. Occashunly they git mad* 
 <fc scald him with bilin hot water. When he got eny waze 
 cranky thay 'd shut him up in a dark closit, previsly whippin 
 him arter the stile of muthers when thare orfsprings git on- 
 ruly. Sumtimes when he went in swimmin thay 'd go to the 
 banks of the Lake <fc steal all his close, thereby compellin him 
 to sneek home by a sircootius rowt, drest in the Skanderlus 
 stile of the Greek Slaiv. " I find that the keers of a marrid 
 life way hevy onto me," sed the Profit, " & sumtimes I wish 
 I'd remaned singel." I left the Profit and startid for the 
 tavern whare I put up to. On my way I was overtuk by a 
 lurge krowd of Mormons, which they surroundid me, & statid 
 that they were goin into the Show free. 
 
 * A common expression in the United States, used in the sense of 
 angry, vexed, as " I was quite mad at him ; " " he made me mad." 
 
75 A VISIT TO BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " ef I find a individooal who is goin round 
 lettin folks into his show free, I '11 let you know." 
 
 "We've had a Eevelashun biddin us go into A. Ward's 
 Show without payin nothin ! " thay showtid. 
 
 " Yes," hollered a lot of femaile Mormonesses, ceasin me by 
 the cote tales & swingin me round very rapid, " we 're all goin 
 in free ! So sez the Eevelashun ! " 
 
 "What's Old Eevelashun got to do with my Show?" sez I, 
 gittin putty rily. " Tell Mister Eevelashun," sed I, drawin 
 myself up to my full hite and lookin round upon the ornery 
 krowd with a prowd & defiant mean, " tell Mister Eevelashun 
 to mind his own bizniss, subject only to the Konstitushun of 
 the Unitid States ! " 
 
 " Oh now let us in, that 's a sweet man," sed several femails, 
 puttin thare arms rownd me in luvin stile. " Becum 1 of us. 
 Becum a Preest & hav wives Sealed to you.'' 
 
 ," Not a Seal ! " sez I, startin back in horror at the idee. 
 
 " Oh stay, Sir, stay," sed a tall, gawnt femaile, ore whoos hed 
 37 summirs must hev parsd, "stay, & I '11 be your Jentle Gazelle." 
 
 " Not ef . I know it, you won't," sez I. " Awa you skan- 
 derlus femaile, awa ! Go & be a Nunnery ! " That's what I 
 sed, jes so. 
 
 " & I," sed a fat, chunky femaile, who must hev wade more 
 than too hundred lbs., " I will be your sweet gidin Star ! " 
 
 Sez I, " He bet two dollers and a half you won't ! " Whare 
 ear I may Eome lie still be troo 2 thee, Oh Betsy Jane! 
 [N.B. — Betsy Jane is my wife's Sir naime.J 
 
 "Wiltist thou not tarry hear in. the Promist Land?" sed 
 several of the miserabil critters. 
 
 " He see you all essenshally cussed be 4 I wiltist !" roared I, 
 as mad as I cood be at thare infernul noncents. I girdid up 
 my Lions & fled the Seen. I packt up my duds & left Salt 
 Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum & Germorrer, inhabitid by as 
 theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis as ever drew Breth 
 in eny spot on the Globe. 
 
THE CENSUS. 77 
 
 THE CENSUS. 
 
 The Sences taker in our town bein taken sick, he deppertised 
 me to go out for him one day, and as he was too ill to giv me 
 informashun how to perceed, I was consekently compelled to 
 go it blind. Sittin down by the road side, I drawd up the 
 follerin list of questions, which I proposed to ax the peple I 
 visited : 
 
 "Wat's your age? 
 
 Whar was you born? 
 
 Air you marrid, and if so how do you like it ? 
 
 How many children hav you, and do they resemble you or 
 your nabers? 
 
 Did you ever hav the measels, and if so how many ? 
 
 Hav you a twin brother several years older than yourself? 
 
 How many parents hav you ? 
 
 Do you read Watt's Hims regler ? 
 
 Do you use boughten* tobacker ? 
 
 Wat 's your fitin wate ? 
 
 Air you trubeld with biles ? 
 
 How does your meresham culler? 
 
 State whether you air blind, deaf, idiotic, or got the heaves ?t 
 
 Do you know any Opry singers, and if so how much do they 
 owe you ? 
 
 What 's the average of virtoo on the Ery Canawl ? 
 
 * i.e., that which has been bought. A very common word in the in- 
 terior of New England and New York. It is applied to articles purchased 
 from the shops, to distinguish them from articles of home manufacture. 
 Many farmers make their own sugar from the maple-tree, and their coffee 
 from barley or rye. Wi-st India sugar or coffee is then called boughten 
 sugar, &c. " This is a home-made carpet; that a boughten one," i.e., one 
 bought at a shop. In the North of England, baker's bread is called bought 
 bread. 
 
 f Wind-troubles arising from a disordered stomach. A common 
 Americanism. 
 
78 AN: HONEST LIVING. 
 
 If 4 barrils of Emptins * pored onto a barn floor will kiver 
 it, how many plase can Dion Boureicault write in a year? 
 
 Is Beans a regler article of diet in your family 1 
 
 How many chickins hav you, on foot and in the shell 1 
 
 Air you aware that Injianny whisky is used in New York 
 shootin galrys instid of pistols, and that it shoots furthest 1 
 
 Was you ever at Niagry Falls ? 
 
 Was you ever in the Penitentiary 1 
 
 State how much pork, impendin crysis, Dutch cheeze, 
 popler suvrinty, standard poetry, children's strainers, slave 
 code, catnip, red flannel, ancient histry, pickled tomaters, 
 old junk, perfoomery, coal ile, liberty, hoop skirt, &c, you 
 hav on hand 1 
 
 But it didn't work. I got into a row at the fust house I 
 stopt to, with some old maids. Disbelieven the ansers they 
 giv in regard to their ages, I endevered to open their mouths 
 and look at their teeth, same as they do with hosses, but they 
 floo into a vilent rage and tackled me with brooms and sich. . 
 Takin the sences requires experiunse, like any other bizniss. 
 
 AN HONEST LIVING. 
 I was on my way from the mines to San Francisco, with a 
 light puss and a hevy hart. You 'd scacely hav repognized 
 my fair form, so kiverd was I with dust. Bimeby I met Old 
 Poodles, the all-firdist f gambler in the country. He was - 
 afoot and in his shirt sleeves, and was in a wuss larther nor 
 any race hoss I ever saw. 
 
 * Emptyings, pronounced emptins, the lefes of beer, cider, &c. ; yeast, 
 or anything by which bread is leavened : — Q 
 
 " 'Twill take more emptins, by a long chalk, than this new party's got, 
 To give such heavy cakes as these a start, I tell ye what." 
 
 The Biglow Papers: 
 + All-fired, enormous, excessive, a low Americanism, not improbably a 
 puritanical corruption of hell-fired, designed to have the virtue of an oath 
 without offending polite ears. « 
 
THE PRESS. 7g 
 
 " Whither goist thow, sweet nimp ? " sez I, in a play-actin 
 tone. 
 
 " To the mines, Sir," he unto me did say, " to the mines, 
 to earn an, honest livin." 
 
 Thinks I that air aint very cool, I guess, and druv on. 
 
 THE PRESS. 
 
 I want the editers to cum to my Show free as the flours of 
 May, but I don't want urn to ride a free hoss to deth. Thare 
 is times when Patience seizes to be virtoous. I hev " in my 
 mind's eye, Hurrashio " (cotashun from Hamlick) sum editers 
 in a sertin town which shall be nameless, who air Both sneakin 
 and ornery. They cum in krowds to my Show, and then axt 
 me ten sents a line for Puffs. I objectid to payin, but they 
 sed ef I didn't down with the dust thay'd wipe my Show 
 from the face of the earth. Thay sed the Press was the 
 Arkymedian Leaver which moved the wurld. I put up to 
 their extorshuns until thay'd bled me so I was a meer shadder, 
 and left in disgust. 
 
 It was in a surtin town in Virginny, the Muther of Presi- 
 dents & things, that I was shaimfully aboozed by a editor in 
 human .form. He set my Show up steep, & kalled me the 
 urbane & gentlemunly manajer, but when I, fur the pur- 
 puss of showin fair play all around, went to anuther offiss to 
 git my hanbills printed, what duz this pussillanermus editer 
 do but . change his toon & abooze me like a Injun. He sed 
 my wax wurks was a humbug, & called me a horey-heded 
 itinerent vagabone. I thort at fust Ide pollish him orf ar-lar 
 Beneki Boy, but on reflectin that he cood pollish me much 
 wuss in his paper, I giv it up. & I wood here take occashun 
 to advise peple when thay run agin, as thay sumtimes will, 
 these miserble papers, to not pay no attenshun to um. Abuv 
 
80 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 
 
 all, don't assault a editer of this kind. It .only gives him a 
 notorosity, which is jest what he wants, & don't do you no 
 more good than it wood to jump into enny other mud puddle. 
 Editers are generally fine men, but there must be black sheep 
 in every flock. 
 
 EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 
 
 Durin a recent visit to New York the undersined went to see 
 Edwin Forrest. As I 'm into the moral show bizniss myself, I 
 ginrally go to Barnum's moral Museum, where only moral 
 peple air admitted, partickly on Wednesday arternoons. But 
 this time I thot I'd go & see Ed. Ed has bin actin out on 
 the stage for many years. There is varis 'pinions about his 
 actin, Englishmen ginrally bleevin that he is far superior to 
 Mister Macready ; but on one pint all agree, & that is that Ed 
 draws like a six-ox team. Ed was actin at Niblo's Garding, 
 which looks considerable more like a parster than a garding, 
 but let that pars. I sot down in the pit, took out my spec- 
 tacles & commenced peroosin the evenin's bill. The awjince 
 was all-fired large, & the boxes was full of the elitty of New 
 York. Sevral opery glasses was leveld at me by Gothum's 
 fairest darters, but I didn't let on as tho I noticed it, tho 
 mebby I did take out my sixteen-dollar silver watch <fc. brandish 
 it round more than was necessary. But the best of us has our 
 weaknesses, <fc if a man has gewelry let him show it. As I 
 was peroosin the bill a grave young man who sot near me 
 axed me if I 'd ever seen Forrest dance the Essence of OM 
 Virginny? "He's immense in that," sed the young man. 
 " He also does a fair champion jig," the young man continnerd, 
 " but his Big Thing is the Essence of Old Virginny." Sez I, 
 " Fair youth, do you know what I 'd do with you if you was 
 my sun ? " 
 
EDWIN FORREST AS OTHELLO. 81 
 
 " No," sez he. 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " I 'd appint your funeral to-morrow arter- 
 noon & the korps should be ready ! You're too smart to live 
 on this yearth." He didn't try any more of his capers on me. 
 But another pussylanermuss individooul, in a red vest & patent 
 lether boots, told me his name was Bill Astor & axed me to 
 lend him 50 cents till early in the mornin. I told him I 'd 
 probly send it round to him before he retired to his virtoous 
 couch, but if I didn't he might look for it next fall, as soon as 
 I cut my corn. The Orchestry was now fiddling with all their 
 might, & as the peple didn't understan anything about it they 
 applaudid versifrussly. Presently Old Ed cum out. The play 
 was Otheller or More of Veniss. Otheller was writ by Wm. 
 Shakspeer., The scene is laid in Veniss. Otheller was a likely 
 man & was a ginral in the Veniss army. He eloped with Desde- 
 mony, a darter of the Hon. Mister Brabantio, who represented 
 one of the back districks in the Veneshun legislate!'. Old 
 Brabantio was as mad as thunder at this & tore round consi- 
 derable, but finally cooled down, tellin Otheller, howsever, that 
 Desdemony had come it over her Par, & that he had better 
 look out or she'd come it over him likewise. Mr & Mrs 
 Otheller git along very comfortable- like for a spell. She is 
 sweet-tempered and luvin— a nice, sensible female, never goin 
 in for he-female conventions, green cotton umbrellers and 
 pickled beats. Otheller is a good provider and thinks all the 
 world of his wife. , She has a lazy time of it, the hired girl 
 doin all the cookin and washin. Desdemony, in fact, don't 
 hav to git the water to wash her own hands with. But a low 
 cuss named Iago, who I bleeve wants to git Otheller out of 
 his snug government birth, now goes to work & upsets the 
 Otheller family in the most outrajus stile. Iago falls in with 
 a braneless youth named Boderigo & wins all his money at 
 poker. (Iago allers played foul.) He thus got money enuff 
 to carry out his onprincipled skeem. Mike Cassio, a Irish- j 
 man, is selected as a tool by Iago. Mike was a clever feller & 
 
83 ED WIN FORREST AS O THELL 0. 
 
 orficer in Otheller's army. He liked his tods* too well, how-s- 
 ever, & they floored him, as they have many other promisin 
 young men. Iago injuces Mike to drink with him, Iago slyly 
 throwin his whisky over his shoulder. Mike gits as drunk as 
 a biled owl, & allows that he can lick a yard full of the Vene- 
 shun fancy before breakfast, without sweatin a hair. He 
 meets Eoderigo and proceeds for to smash him. A feller 
 named Montano undertakes to slap Cassio, when that infa- 
 tooated person runs his sword into him. That miserable man, 
 Iago, pretents to be very sorry to see Mike conduck hisself in 
 this way, & undertakes to smooth the thing over to Otheller, 
 who rushes in with a drawn sword & wants to know what's 
 up. Iago cunninly tells his story, & Otheller tells Mike that 
 he thinks a good deal of him, but he can't train no more in 
 his regiment. Desdemony sympathises with poor Mike & 
 interceeds for him with Otheller. Iago mages him bleeve she 
 does this because she thinks more of Mike than she does of 
 hisself. Otheller swallers Iago's lyin tail & goes to makin a 
 noosence of hisself ginrally. He worries poor Desdemony 
 terrible by his vile insinuations <fc finally smothers her to 
 deth with a piller. Mrs Iago cums in just as Otheller has 
 finished the fowl deed and givs him fits right & left, showin 
 him that he has bin orfully gulled by her miserble cuss of a 
 husband. Iago cums in, & his wife commences rakin him 
 down also, when he .stabs her. Otheller jaws him a spell & 
 then cuts a small hole in his stummick with his sword. Iago 
 pints to Desdemony's deth bed & goes orf with a sardonic 
 smile onto his countenance. Otheller tells the peple that he 
 has dun the state sum service & they know it : axes them to 
 do as fair a thing as they can for him under the circumstances, 
 & kills hisself with a fish-knife, which is the most sensible 
 thing he can do. This is a breef skedule of the synopsis of 
 the play. 
 
 Edwin Forrest is a grate acter. I thot I saw Otheller before 
 * Contraction of toddy. See foot-note, p. 37. 
 
SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES. 83 
 
 me all the time he was actin, & when the curtin fell, I found 
 my spectacles was still mistened with salt-water, which had 
 run from my eyes while poor Desdemony was dyin. Betsy 
 Jane — Betsy Jane ! let us pray that our domestic bliss may 
 never be busted up by a Iago ! 
 
 Edwin Forrest makes money actin out on the stage. He 
 gits five hundred dollars a nite & his board & washin. I wish 
 I had such a Forrest in my Garding ! 
 
 THE SHOW BUSINESS AND POPULAR LECTURES* 
 
 I feel that the Show Bizniss, which Ive stroven to orny- 
 ment, is bein usurpt by Poplar Lecturs, as thay air kalled, 
 tho in my pinion thay air poplar humbugs. Individooals who 
 git hard up embark in the lecturin bizniss. Thay cram their- 
 selves with hi soundin frazis, frizzle up their hare, git trustid 
 for a soot of black close, & cum out to lectur at 50 dollers a 
 pop. Thay aint over stockt with branes, but thay hav brass 
 enuff to make suffishunt kittles to bile all the sope that will 
 be required by the ensooin sixteen ginerashuns. Peple flock 
 to heer urn in krowds. The men go becawz its poplar, & the 
 wimin folks go to see what other wimin folks have on. When 
 its over the lecturer goze & regales hisself with oysters and 
 sich, while the peple say, "What a charmin lectur that air 
 was," etsettery etsettery, when 9 out of 10 of um don't have 
 no moore idee of what the lecturer sed than my kangeroo has 
 of the sevunth speer of hevun. Thare 's moore infurmashun 
 to be gut out of a well conductid noospaper — price 3 sents — 
 than thare is out of ten poplar lectures at 25 or 50 dollers a 
 pop, as the kase may be. These same peple, bare in mind, 
 stick up their nosis at moral wax figgers & sagashus beests. 
 
 * It is proper to say that Mr Ward has recently found occasion to 
 change his mind on this subject. 
 
84 WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 
 
 Tliay say these things is low. Gents, it greeves my hart in 
 my old age, when I'm in "the Sheer & yeller leef " (to cote 
 frum my Irish frend Mister McBeth) to see that the Show 
 bizniss is pritty much plade out, howsomever I shall chance it 
 agane in the Spring. 
 
 WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 
 
 I pitcht my tent in a small town in Injianny one day last 
 seeson, & while I was standin at the dore takin money, a 
 deppytashun of ladies came up & sed they wos members of the 
 Bunkumville Female Moral Eeformin & Wimin's Eite's Asso- 
 ciashun, and thay axed me if they cood go in without payin. 
 
 " Not exactly," sez I, " but you can pay without goin in." 
 
 " Dew you know who we air V sed one of the wimin — a 
 tall and feroshus lookin critter, with a blew kotton umbreller 
 under her arm — " do you know who we air, Sir ?" 
 
 " My impreshun is," sed I, " from a kersery view, that you 
 air females." 
 
 " We air, Sur,'' said the feroshus woman — " we belong to a 
 Society whitch beleeves wimin has rites — which beleeves in 
 razin her to her proper speer — whitch beleeves she is indowed 
 with as much intelleck as man is — whitch beleeves she is 
 trampled on and aboozed — & who will resist henso4th & for- 
 ever the incroachments of proud & domineering men." 
 
 Durin her discourse, the exsentric female grabed me by 
 the coat-kollor & was swinging her umbreller wildly over 
 my hed. 
 
 "I hope, marm," sez I, starting back, "that your intensions 
 is honorable ? I'm a lone man hear in a strange place. 
 Besides, Ive a wife to hum." 
 
 " Yes," cried the female, " & she 's a slave ! Doth she never 
 dream of freedom— doth she never think of throwin of the 
 
WOMAN'S RIGHTS. 85 
 
 yoke of tyranny & thinkin & votin for herself ?— Doth she 
 never think of these here things 1" 
 
 " Not bein a natral born fool," sed I, by this time a little 
 riled, " I kin safely say that she dothunt." 
 
 "0 whot — whot!" screamed the female, swingin her um- 
 breller in the air — "O, what is the price that woman pays for 
 her expeeriunce!" 
 
 "I don't know," sez I; "the price to my show is 15 cents 
 pur individooal." 
 
 " & can't our Sosiety go in free?" asked the female. 
 
 "Not if I know it," sed I. 
 
 " Crooil, crooil man !" she cried, & bust into teers. 
 
 "Won't you let my darter in ?" sed anuther of the exsentric 
 wimin, taken me afeckshunitely by the hand. " 0, please let 
 my darter in — skee 's a sweet gushin child of natur." 
 
 "Let her gush !" roared I, as mad as I cood stick at their 
 tarnal nonsense ; " let her gush I" Whereupon they all sprung 
 back with the simultanious observashun that I was a Beest. 
 
 " My female frends," sed I, " be4 you leeve, Ive a few 
 remarks to remark ; wa them well. The female woman is one 
 of the greatest institooshuns of which this land can boste. 
 It 's onpossible to get along without her. Had there bin no 
 female wimin in the world, I should scacely be here with my 
 unparalleld show on this very occashun. She is good in sick- 
 ness — good in wellness — good all- the time. 0, woman, 
 woman !" I cried, my feelins worked up to a hi poetick 
 pitch, "you air a angle when you behave yourself; but when 
 you take off your proper appairel & (mettyforically speaken) — 
 get into pantyloons — when you desert your firesides, & with 
 your heds full of wimin's rites noshuns go round like roarin 
 lyons, seekin whom you may devour someboddy — in short, 
 when you undertake to play the man, you play the devil and 
 air an emfatic noosance. My female friends," I continnered, 
 as they were indignantly departin, " wa well what A. Ward 
 has sed \" 
 
80 ON " forts:' 
 
 WOULD-BE SEA DOGS. 
 
 Sum of the captings on the Upper Ohio Eiver put on a heep 
 of airs. To hear 'em git orf saler lingo you 'd spose they 'd 
 bin on the briny Deep for a life time, when the fact is they 
 haint tasted salt water since they was infants, when they had 
 to take it for worms. Still they air good natered fellers, and 
 when they drink they take a dose big enuff for a grown person. 
 
 ON "FOKTS." 
 
 Every man has got a Fort. It 's sum men's fort to do one 
 thing, and sum other men's fort to do another, while there is 
 numeris shiftliss critters goin round loose whose fort is not to 
 do nothin. 
 
 Shakspeer rote good plase, but he wouldn't hav succeeded 
 as a Washington correspondent of a New York daily paper. 
 He lackt the rekesit fancy and imagginashun. 
 
 That's so! 
 
 Old George Washington's Port was to not hev eny public 
 man of the present day resemble him to eny alarmin extent. 
 Whare bowts can George's ekal be fownd? I ask, & boldly 
 anser no whares, or eny whare else. 
 
 Old man Townsin's* Fort was to maik Sassyperiller. "Goy 
 to the world ! anuther life saived ! " (Cotashun from Town- 
 sin's advertisemunt.) 
 
 Cyrus Field's Fort is to lay a sub-machine tellegraf under 
 the boundin billers of the Oshun, and then hev it Bust. 
 
 Spaldin's Fort is to maik Prepared Gloo, which mends 
 everything. Wonder ef it will mend a sinner's wickid waze ? 
 (Impromptoo goak.) 
 
 * " Old" Dr Jacob Townshend, the Morrison of America, whose sarsa- 
 parilla is sold at almost every " store " throughout the country. A branch 
 establishment, and a rival, have for some years been located here in the 
 Strand, under the shadow of Exeter Hall. 
 
ON "FORTS." 87 
 
 Zoary's Fort is to be a femaile circus feller. 
 
 My Fort is the grate moral show bizniss & ritin choice 
 famerly literatoor for the noospapers. That's what's the 
 matter with me. 
 
 &c, &c, &c. So I mite go on to a indefnit extent. 
 
 Twict I've endeverd to do things which thay wasn't my 
 Fort. The fust time was when I undertuk to lik a owdashus 
 cuss who cut a hole in my tent & krawld threw. Sez I, " My 
 jentle Sir, go out or I shall fall onto you putty hevy." Sez he, 
 " Wade in, Old wax figgers," whareupon I went for him, but 
 he cawt me powerful on the hed & knockt me threw the tent 
 into a cow pastur. He pursood the attack & flung me into a 
 mud puddle. As I aroze & rung out my drench t garmints, I 
 koncluded fitin wasn't my Fort. He now rize the kurtin upon 
 Seen 2nd : It is rarely seldum that I seek consolation in the 
 Flowin Bole. But in a sertin town in Injianny in the Faul 
 of 18 — -, my orgin grinder got sick with the fever & died. 
 I never felt so ashamed in my life, & I thowt I 'd hist in a 
 few swallers of suthin strengtbin. Konsequents was I histid 
 in so much I dident zackly know whare bowts I was. I 
 turnd my livin wild beests of Pray loose into the streets and 
 spilt all my wax wurks. I then Bet I cood play hoss. So I 
 hitched myself to a Kanawl bote, there bein two other hosses 
 hitcht on also, one behind and anuther ahead of me. The 
 driver hollerd for us to git up, and we did. But the hosses 
 bein onused to sich a arrangemunt begun to kick & squeal and 
 rair up. Konsequents was I was kickt vilently in the stum- 
 muck & back, and presuntly I fownd myself in the Kanawl 
 with the other hosses, kickin & yellin like a tribe of Cuss- 
 caroorus sawijis. I was rescood, & as I was bein carrid to 
 the tavern on a hemlock Bored I sed in a feeble voise, " Boys, 
 playin hoss isn't my Fort." 
 
 Morul — Never don't do nothin which isn't your Fort, for 
 ef you do you '11 find yourself splashin round in the Kanawl, 
 figgeratively speakin. 
 
88 PICCOLOMINI. 
 
 PICCOI<OMINI. 
 
 Gents, — I arroved in Cleveland on Saturday P.M. from 
 
 Baldinsville jest in time to fix myself up and put on a clean 
 
 biled rag to attend Miss Picklehomony's grate musical sorry 
 
 at the Melodeon. The krowds which pored into the hall 
 
 augured well for the show bizniss, & with cheerful sperrets I 
 
 jined the enthoosiastic throng. I asked Mr Strakhosh at the 
 
 door if he parst the perfession, and he said not much he 
 
 didn't, whereupon I bawt a preserved seat in the pit, & ob- 
 
 sarying to Mr Strakhosh that he needn't put on so many 
 
 French airs becawz he run with a big show, and that he 'd 
 
 better let his weskut out a few inches or perhaps he 'd bust 
 
 hisself some fine day, I went in and squatted down. It was 
 
 a sad thawt to think that in all that vast aujience Scacely a 
 
 Sole had the honor of my acquaintance. " & this ere," sed I 
 
 Bitturly, "is Fame ! What sigerfy my wax figgers and livin 
 
 wild beasts (which have no ekels) to these peple ? What do 
 
 thay care becawz a site of my Kangeroo is worth dubble the 
 
 price of admission, and that my Snakes is as harmlis as the 
 
 new born babe — all of which is strictly troo 1 " I should have 
 
 gone on ralein at Fortin and things sum more, but jest then 
 
 Signer Maccarony cum out and sung a hairey from some opry 
 
 or other. He had on his store close & looked putty slick, I 
 
 must say. Nobody didn't understand nothin abowt what he 
 
 sed, and so they applawdid him versiferusly. Then Signer 
 
 Brignoly cum out and sung another hairey. He appeared to 
 
 be in a Pensiv Mood & sung a Luv song I suppose, tho he 
 
 may have been cussin the aujince all into a heep for aut I 
 
 knewd. Then cum Mr Maccarony agin and Miss Pickle- 
 
 homony herself. Thay sang a Doit together. 
 
 Now you know, gents, that I don't admire opry music. 
 But I like Miss Picklehomony's stile. I like her gate. She 
 suits me. There has bin grater singers andthere has bin more 
 bootiful wimin, but no more fassinatin young female ever 
 
PICCOLOMINI. 89 
 
 longed for a new gown or side to place her hed agin a vest 
 pattern than Maria Picklehomony. Fassinatin peple is her 
 best holt. She was horn to make hash of men's buzzums & 
 other wimin mad becawz thay ain't Picklehomonies. Her face 
 sparkles with amuzin cussedness & about 200 (two hundred) 
 little bit of funny devils air continually dancing champion jigs 
 in her eyes, said eyes bein brite enuff to lite a pipe by. How 
 I shood like to have little Maria out on my farm in Baldins- 
 ville, Injianny, whare she cood run in the tall grass, wrastle 
 with the boys, cut up strong at parin bees, make up faces 
 behind the minister's back, tie auction bills to the skoolmaster's 
 coat-tales, set all the fellers crazy after her, & holler & kick 
 up, & go it just as much as she wanted to ! But I diegress. 
 Every time she cum canterin out I grew more and more de- 
 lighted with her. When she bowed her hed I bowed mine. 
 When she powtid her lips I powtid mine. When she larfed 
 I larfed. When she jerked her hed back and took^alarfin 
 survey of the aujience, sendin a broadside of sassy smiles in 
 among em, I tried to unjint myself & kollapse. When, in 
 tellin how she drempt she lived in Marble Halls, she sed it 
 tickled her more than all the rest to dream she loved her feller 
 still the same, I made a effort to swaller myself ; but when, 
 in the next song, she look strate at me & called me her Dear, 
 I wildly told the man next to me he mite hav my close, as I 
 shood never want 'em again no more in this world. [The 
 Plain Dealer* containin this communicashun is not to be sent 
 to my famerly in Baldinsville under no circumstances what- 
 somever.J 
 
 In conclushun, Maria, I want you to do well. I know you 
 air a nice gal at hart & you must get a good husband. He 
 must be a man of branes and gumpshun & a good provider — 
 a man who will luv you strong and long — a man who will luv 
 you jest as much in your old age, when your voice is cracked 
 
 * The Cleveland Plain Dealer, a well-known Ohio newspaper, to which 
 Mr Artemus Ward wishes us to understand he contributed. 
 
go LITTLE PATTJ. 
 
 like an old tea kittle & you can't get 1 of your notes dis- 
 counted at 50 per sent a month, as he will now, when you are 
 young & charmin. & full of music, sunshine & fun. Don't 
 marry a snob, Maria. You ain't a Angel, Maria, & I am glad 
 of it. When I see angels in pettycoats I 'm always sorry they 
 hain't got wings so they kin quietly fly off whare thay 
 will be appreshiated. You air a woman, & a mity good one 
 too. As for Maccarony, Brignoly, Mullenholler, and them 
 other fellers, they can take care of theirselves. Old Mac. kin 
 make a comfortable livin choppin cord wood* if his voice ever 
 givs out, and Amodio looks as tho he mite succeed in conductin 
 sum quiet toll gate, whare the vittles would be plenty & the 
 labor lite. 
 
 I am preparin for the Summer Campane. I shall stay in 
 Cleveland a few days and probly you will hear from me again 
 ear I leave to once more becum a tosser on life's tempestuous 
 billers, meanin the Show Bizniss. — Very Respectively Yours, 
 
 Aktemus Wakd. 
 
 LITTLE PATTI. 
 
 The moosic which Ime most use to is the inspirin stranes of 
 the hand orgin. I hire a artistic Italyun to grind fur me, payin 
 him his vittles & close, & I spose it was them stranes which 
 fust put a moosical taste into me. Like all furriners, he had 
 seen better dase, havin formerly been a Kount. But he aint 
 of much akount now, except to turn the orgin and drink Beer, 
 of which bevrige he can hold a churnful, easy. 
 
 Miss Patty is small for her size, but as the man sed abowt 
 his wife, Lord ! She is well bilt & her complexion is what 
 
 * The common fire-wopd of the United States, split up in lengths of 
 four feet, and arranged in stacks (for purchase or sale) eight feet long, four 
 high, and four broad. With the vulgar crowd this wood chopping is the 
 dernier ressort for a livelihood. 
 
LITTLE PATTI. gi 
 
 might be called a Broonetty. Her ize is a dark bay, the lashes 
 bein long & silky. . When she smiles the awjince feels like 
 axing her to doo it sum moor, & to continner doin it 2 a 
 indefnit extent. Her waste is one of the most bootiful wastisis 
 ever seen. When Mister Strackhorse led her out I thawt 
 sum pretty skool gal, who had jest graduatid frum pantalets 
 & wire hoops, was a cumin out to read her fust composishun 
 in public. She cum so bashful like, with her hed bowd down, 
 & made sich a effort to arrange her lips so thayd look pretty, 
 that I wanted to swaller her. She reminded me of Susan 
 Skinner, who 'd never kiss the boys at parin bees till the 
 candles was blow'd out. Miss Patty sung suthin or ruther in 
 a furrin tung. I don't know what the sentimunts was. Fur 
 awt I know she may hav bin denouncin my wax figgers & 
 sagashus wild beests of Pray, & I don't much keer ef she did. 
 When she opened her mowth a army of martingales, bobolinks, 
 kanarys, swallers, mockin birds, etsettery, bust 4th & flew all 
 over the Haul. 
 
 Go it, little 1, sez I to myself, in a hily exsited frame of 
 mind, & ef that kount or royal duke which you '11 be pretty 
 apt to marry 1 of these dase don't do the fair thing by ye, yu 
 kin always hav a home on A. Ward's farm, near Baldinsville, 
 Injianny. When she sung Cumin threw the Eye, and spoke 
 of that Swayne she deerly luvd herself individooully, I didn't 
 wish I was that air Swayne. No I gess not. Oh certainly 
 not. [This is Ironical. I don't meen this. It's a way I hav 
 of goakin.] Now that Maria Picklehominy has got married & 
 left the perfeshun, Adeliny Patty is the championess of the 
 opery ring. She karries the Belt. Thar's no draw fite 
 about it. Other primy donnys may as well throw up the 
 spunge first as last. My eyes don't deceive my earsite in this 
 matter. 
 
 But Miss Patty orter sing in the Inglish tung. As she kin 
 do so as well as she kin in Italyun, why under the Son don't 
 she do it 1 What cents is thare in singin wurds nobody don't 
 
92 MOSES, THE SASSY; 
 
 understan when wurds we do understan is jest as handy? 
 Whypeple will versifferusly applawd furrin langwidge is a 
 mistery. It reminds me of a man I onct knew. He sed he 
 knockt the bcttum out of his pork Barril, & the pork fell out, 
 but the Brine dident moove a inch. It stade in the Barril. 
 He sed this was a Mistery, but it wasn't misterior than is this 
 thing I 'm speekin of. 
 
 As fur Brignoly, Ferri and Junky, they air dowtless grate, 
 but I think sich able boddied men wood look better tillin the 
 sile than dressin theirselves up in black close & white kid 
 gluvs & shoutin in a furrin tung. Mister Junky is a noble 
 lookin old man, & orter lead armies on to Battel instid of 
 shoutin in a furrin tung. 
 
 Adoo. In the langwidge of Lewis Napoleon when receivin 
 kumpany at his pallis on the Bullyvards, " I saloot yu." 
 
 MOSES, THE SASSY; OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE. 
 
 CHAPTER I. — ELIZY. 
 
 My story opens in the classic presinks of Bostin. In the 
 parler of a bloated aristocratic mansion on Bacon Street sits a 
 luvly young lady, whose hair is cuverd ore with the frosts of 
 between 17 Summers. She has just sot down to the piany, 
 and is warblin the popler ballad called " Smells of the Notion," 
 in which she tells how, with pensiv thought, she wandered by 
 a C beat shore. The son is settin in its horizon, and its gorjus 
 light pores in a golden meller flud through the winders, and 
 makes the young lady twict as beautiful nor what she was 
 before, which is onnecessary. She is magnificently dressed up 
 in a Berage basque, with poplin trimmins, More Antique, Ball 
 Morals and 3 ply carpeting. Also, considerable gauze. Her 
 dress contains 16 flounders and her shoes is red morocker, 
 
OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE. 93 
 
 with gold spangles onto them. Presently she jumps up with 
 a wild snort, and pressin her hands to her brow, she exclaims, 
 " Methinks I see a voice ! " 
 
 A noble youth of 27 summers enters. He is attired in a 
 red shirt and black trowsis, which last air turned up over his 
 boots ; his hat, which it is a plug, being cockt onto one side 
 of his classical hed. In sooth, he was a heroic lookin person, 
 with a fine shape. Grease, in its barmiest days, near projuced 
 a more hefty cavileer. Gazin upon him admirinly for a 
 spell, Elizy (for that was her name) organised herself into a 
 tabloo, and stated as follers : 
 
 " Ha ! do me eyes deceive me earsight ? Is it some 
 dreams ? No, 1 reckon not ! That frame ! them store close ! 
 those nose ! , Yes, it is me own, me only Moses ! " 
 
 He (Moses) folded her to his hart, with the remark that he 
 was " a hunkey boy.'' 
 
 CHAPTER. II. — WAS MOSES OF NOBLE BIRTH? 
 
 Moses was foreman of Engine Co. No. 40. Forty's fellers 
 had just bin havin an annual reunion with Fifty's fellers, on 
 the day I introjuce Moses to my readers, and Moses had his 
 arms full of trofees, to wit : 4 scalps, 5 eyes, 3 fingers, 7 ears 
 (which he chawed off), and several half and quarter sections 
 of noses. "When the fair Elizy recovered from her delight at 
 meetin Moses, she said — " How hast the battle gonest ? Tell 
 me!" 
 
 " We chawed 'em up — that 's what we did ! " said the bold 
 Moses. 
 
 "I thank the gods!" sed the fair Elizy. "Thou didst 
 excellent well. And, Moses," she continnered, laying her hed 
 confidinly agin his weskit, " dost know I sumtimes think thou 
 istest of noble birth 1 " 
 
 "No!" said he, wildly ketchin hold of hisself. "You, 
 don't say so." 
 
94 MOSES, THE SASSY; 
 
 " Indeed do I ! Your dead grandfather's sperrit comest to 
 me the tother night." 
 
 " Oh no, I guess it 's a mistake," sed Moses. 
 
 " 1 11 bet two dollars and a quarter he did ! " replied Elizy. 
 " He said, ' Moses is a Disguised Juke ! ' " 
 
 " You mean Duke," said Moses. 
 
 " Dost not the actors all call it Juke ! " said she. 
 
 That settled the matter. 
 
 "I hav thought of this thing afore/' said Moses, ab- 
 stractedly. " If it is so, then thus it must be ! 2 B or not 
 2B! Which? Sow, sow ! Butenuff. O life ! life \—you 're 
 too many for me ! " He tore out some of his pretty yeller hair, 
 stampt on the floor sevril times, and was gone. 
 
 CHAPTER III. — THE PIRUT FOILED. 
 
 Sixteen long and weary years has elapst since the seens 
 narrated in the last chapter took place. A noble ship, the 
 Sary Jane, is a sailin from France to Ameriky via the Wabash 
 Canal. A pirut /ship is in hot pursoot of the Sary. The 
 pirut capting isn't a man of much principle, and intends to 
 kill all the people on bored the Sary and confiscate the 
 wallerbles. The capting of the S. J. is on the pint of givin 
 in, when a fine lookin feller in russet boots and a buffalo over- 
 coat rushes forored and obsarves : 
 
 " Old man ! go down stairs ! Ketire to the starbud bulk- 
 hed ! I '11 take charge of this Bote ! " 
 
 " Owdashus cuss ! " yelled the capting, " away with thee or 
 I shall do mur-rer-der-r-r ! " 
 
 " Skurcely," obsarved the stranger, and he drew a diamond- 
 liilted fish-knife and cut orf the capting's hed. He expired 
 shortly, his last words bein, " We. are governed too much." 
 
 " People ! " sed the stranger, " I 'm the Juke d'Moses ! " 
 
 " Old boss !" sed a passenger, "methinks thou art blowin !" 
 whareupon the Juke cut orf his hed also. 
 
OR, THE DISGUISED DUKE. 95 
 
 " Oh that I should live to see myself a ded hody !" screamed 
 the unfortnit man. " But don't print any verses about my 
 deth in the newspapers, for if you do I'll haunt ye ! " 
 
 " People ! " said the Juke, " I alone can save you from yon 
 bloody pirut ! Ho ! a peck of oats ! " The oats was brought 
 and the Juke, boldly mountin the jibpoop, throwed them onto 
 the towpath. The pirut rapidly approached, chucklin with 
 fiendish delight at the idee of increasin his ill-gotten gains. 
 But the leadin hoss of the pirut ship stopt suddent on comin 
 to the oats, and commenst for to devour them. In vain the 
 piruts swore and throwd stones and bottles at the hoss — he 
 wouldn't budge a inch. Meanwhile the Sary Jane, her hosses 
 on the full jump, was fast leavin the pirut ship ! 
 
 " Onct agin do I escape deth ! " said the Juke between his 
 clencht teeth, still on the jibpoop. 
 
 CHAPTER IV. — THE WANDERER'S RETURN. 
 
 The Juke was Moses the Sasy ! Yes, it was ! 
 
 He had bin to France, and now he was home agin in Bostin, 
 which gave birth to a Bunker Hill ! ! He had some trouble 
 in gitting hisself acknowledged as Juke in France, as the 
 Orleans Dienasty and Borebones were fernest him, but he 
 finally conkered. Elizy knowd him right off, as one of his 
 ears and a part of his nose had bin chawed off in his fights 
 with opposition firemen durin boyhood's sunny hours. They 
 lived to a green old age, beloved by all, both grate and small. 
 Their children, of which they have numerous, often go up onto 
 the Common and see the Fountain squirt. 
 
 This is my 1st attempt at writin a Tail, & it is far from bein 
 perfeck ; but if I have indoosed folks to see that in 9 cases out 
 of 10 they can either make Life as barren as the Dessert of 
 Sarah, or as joyyus as a flower garding, my objeck will have 
 bin accomplished, and more too. 
 
96 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 To my Frends of the Editorial Corpse : — 
 
 I rite these lines on British sile. I've bin follerin Mrs 
 Victory's hopeful sun Albert Edward threw Kanady with my 
 onparaleled Show, and tho I haint made much in a pecoonery 
 pint of vew, I 've lernt sumthin new, over hear on British 
 Sile, whare they bleeve.in Saint Gorge and the Dragoon. 
 Previs to cumin over hear I tawt my organist how to grind 
 Rule Brittanny and other airs which is poplar on British Sile. 
 I likewise fixt a wax figger up to represent Sir Edmun Hed 
 the Govner Ginral. The statoot I fixt up is the most versytile 
 wax statoot I ever saw. I 've showd it as Wm. Penn, Napo- 
 leon Bonypart, Juke of Wellington, the Beneker Boy, Mrs 
 Cunningham, & varis other notid persons, & also for a sertin 
 pirut named Hix. I 've bin so long amung wax statoots that 
 I can fix 'em up to soot the tastes of folks, & with sum paints 
 I hav I kin giv their facis a beneverlent or fiendish look as the 
 kase requires. I giv Sir Edmun Hed a beneverlent look, <fe 
 when sum folks who thawt they was smart sed it didn't look 
 like Sir Edmun Hed anymore than it did anybody else, I sed, 
 " That 's the pint. That 's the beauty of the Statoot. It 
 looks like Sir Edmun Hed or any other man. You may kail 
 it what you pleese. Ef it don't look like anybody that ever 
 lived, then it's sertinly a remarkable Statoot & well worth 
 seein. I kail it Sir Edmun Hed. You may kail it what you 
 darn pleese!" [I had 'em thare.] 
 
 At larst I 've had a interview with the Prince, tho it putty 
 nigh cost me my vallerble life. I cawt a glimps of him as he 
 sot on the Pizarro of the hotel in Sarnia, & elbowed myself 
 threw a crowd of wimin, children, sojers, & Injins that was 
 hangin round the tavern. I was drawin near to the Prince 
 when a red faced man in Millingtery close grabd holt of me 
 and axed me whare I was goin all so bold \ 
 
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 97 
 
 " To see Albert Edard the Prince of Wales," sez I ; " who 
 are you 1 " 
 
 He sed he was Kurnal of the Seventy Fust Regiment, Her 
 Magisty's troops. I told him I hoped the Seventy Onesters 
 was in g ood helth, and was passin by when he ceased hold of 
 me agin, and sed in a tone of indigent cirprise : 
 
 " What 1 Impossible ! It kannot be ! Blarst my hize, sir, 
 did I understan you to say that you was actooally goin into 
 the presents of his Royal Iniss?" 
 
 " That 's what 's the matter with me," I replide. 
 
 " But blarst my hize, sir, its onprecedented. It 's orful, sir. 
 Nothin' like it hain't happened sins the Gun Power Plot of 
 Guy Forks. Owdashus man, who air yu?" 
 
 " Sir," sez I, drawin myself up & puttin on a defiant air, 
 " I 'm a Amerycan sitterzen. My name is Ward. I'ma hus- 
 band & the father of twins, which I 'm happy to state they 
 look like me. By perfeshun I 'm a exhibiter of wax works 
 &sich." 
 
 " Good God !" yelled the Kurnal, " the idee of a exhibiter 
 of wax figgers goin into the presents of Royalty ! The British 
 Lion may well roar with raje at the thawt ! " 
 
 Sez I, " Speakin of the British Lion, Kurnal, I 'd like to 
 make a bargin with you fur that beast fur a few weeks to add 
 to my Show." I didn't meen nothin by this. I was only 
 gettin orf a goak, but you orter hev seen the Old Kurnal jump 
 up & howl. He actooally fomed at the mowth. 
 
 " This can't be real," he showtid. " No, no. It 's a horrid 
 dream. Sir, you air not a human bein — you hav no existents 
 — yure a Myth ! " 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " old hoss, yule find me a ruther onkomfort- 
 able Myth ef you punch my inards in that way agin." I be- 
 gan to git a little riled, fur when he called me a Myth he 
 puncht me putty hard. The Kurnal now commenst sliowtin 
 fur the Seventy Onesters. I at fust thawt I 'd stay & be- 
 cum a Marter to a British Outraje, as sich a course mite git 
 
 G 
 
98 THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 my name up, & be a good advertisement fur my Show ; but it 
 occurred to me that ef enny of the Seventy Ouesters should 
 happen to insert a barronet into my stummick, it mite be 
 onplesunt, & I was on the pint of runnin orf when the Prince 
 hisself kum up & axed me what the matter was. Sez I, 
 " Albert Edard, is that you?" & he smilt & sed it was. Sez 
 I, " Albert Edard, hears my keerd. I cum to pay my respecks 
 to the futer King of Ingland. The Kurnal ,of the Seventy 
 Onesters hear is ruther smawl pertaters, but of course you ain't 
 to blame fur that. He puts on as many airs as tho he was 
 the Bully Boy with the glass eye." 
 
 "Never mind," sez Albert Edard; "I'm glad to see you, 
 Mister Ward, at all events," & he tuk my hand so plesunt like 
 & larfed so sweet that I fell in love with him to onct. He 
 handed me a segar & we sot down on the Pizarro & commenst 
 smokin rite cheerful. " Wall," sez I, " Albert Edard, how 's 
 the old folks V 
 
 " Her Majesty & the Prince are well," he sed. 
 
 "Duz the old man take his Lager beer reglar?" I in- 
 quired. 
 
 The Prince larfed, <fe intermatid that the old man didn't let 
 many kegs of that bevridge spile in the sellar in the coarse of 
 a year. We sot <fc tawked there sum time abowt matters & 
 things, & bimeby I axed him how he liked bein Prince as fur 
 as he 'd got. 
 
 " To speak plain, Mister Ward," he sed, " I don't much like 
 it. I 'm sick of all this bo win & scrapin & crawlin & hurrain 
 over a boy like me. I would rather go through the country 
 quietly & enjoy myself in my own way, with the other boys, 
 & not be made a Show of to be garped at by everybody. 
 When the peple cheer me I feel pleesed, fur I know they meen 
 it, but if these one-horse offishuls coold know how I see threw 
 all their moves <fc understan exackly what they air after, <fc 
 knowd how I larft at 'em in private, theyd stop kissin my 
 hands & fawnin over me as thay now do. But you know Mr 
 
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 99 
 
 Ward I can't help bein a Prince, & I must do all I kin to fit 
 myself fur the persishun I must sumtime ockepy." , 
 
 " That 's troo," sez I ; " sickness and the docters will carry 
 the Queen orf one of these dase, sure 's yer born." 
 
 The time hevin arove fur me to take my departer, I rose up 
 & sed : " Albert Edard, I must go, but previs to doin so I 'will 
 obsarve that you soot me. Yure a good feller, Albert Edard, 
 & tho I 'm agin Princes as a gineral thing, I must say I like 
 the cut of your Gib. When you git to be King try and be as 
 good a man as yure muther has bin ! Be just & be Jenerus, 
 espeshully to showmen, who hav allers bin aboozed sins the 
 dase of Noah, who was the fust man to go into the Menagery 
 bizniss, & ef the daily papers of his time air to beleeved 
 Noah's colleckshun of livin wild beests beet ennything ever 
 seen sins, tho I make bold to dowt ef his snaiks was ahead of 
 mine. Albert Edard, adoo !" I tuk his hand which he shook 
 warmly, & givin him a perpetooal free pars to my show, & 
 also' parses to take hum for the Queen & Old Albert, I put on 
 my hat. and walkt away. 
 
 " Mrs Ward," I solilerquized, as I walkt along, " Mrs, Ward, 
 ef you could see your husband now, just as he prowdly emerjis 
 from the presunts of the futur King of Ingland, you 'd be sorry 
 you called him a Beest jest becaws he cum home tired 1 nite, 
 and wantid to go to bed without takin orf his boots. You 'd 
 be sorry for tryin to deprive yure husband of the priceliss 
 Boon of liberty, Betsy Jane ! " 
 
 Jest then I met a long perseshun of men with gownds onto 
 'em. The leader was on horseback, & ridin up to me he sed, 
 " Air you Orange 1 " 
 
 Sez I, " Which 1 " 
 
 " Air you a Orangeman?" he repeated, sternly. 
 
 " I used to peddle lemins," sed I, " but I never delt in 
 oranges. They are apt to spile on yure hands. What parti- 
 cler Loonatic Asylum hev you k yure frends escaped frum, ef 
 I may be so bold 1" Just then a sudden thawt struck me, & 
 
ioo OSS A WA TOMIE BRO WN. 
 
 I sed, " Oh yure the fellers who air worryin the Prince so <fe 
 givin the Juke of Noocastle cold sweats at nite, by your 
 infernal catawalins, air you? Wall, take the advice of a 
 Amerykin sitterzen : take orf them gownds & don't try to get 
 up a religious fite, which is 40 .times wuss nor a prize fite, 
 over Albert Edard, who wants to receive you all on a ekal 
 footin, not keerin a tinker's cuss what meetin house you 
 sleep in Sundays. Go home and mind yure bizniss & not 
 make noosenses of yourselves." With which. observashuns I 
 left 'em. 
 
 I shall leeve British sile 4thwith. 
 
 OSSAWATOMIE BROWN. 
 
 I don't pertend to be a cricket, and consekently the reader 
 will not regard this 'ere peace as a Cricketcism. I cimply 
 desine givin the pints & Plot of a play I saw actid out at the 
 theater t'other nite, called Ossywattermy Brown, or the Hero 
 of Harper's Ferry. Ossywattermy had varis failins, one of 
 which was a idee that he cood conker Virginny with a few 
 duzzen loonatics which he had pickt up sumwhares, mercy only 
 nose when. He didn't cum it, as the sekel showed. This play 
 was jerkt by a admirer of Old Ossywattermy. 
 
 First akt opens at North Elby, Old Brown's humsted. 
 Thare 's a weddin at the house. Amely, Old Brown's darter, 
 marrys sumbody, and they all whirl in the Messy darnce. 
 Then Ossywattermy and his 3 suns leave fur Kansis. Old Mrs 
 Ossywattermy tells 'em thay air goin on a long jurny & Blesses 
 'em to slow fiddlin. Thay go to Kansis. What upon arth 
 thay go to Kansis fur when thay was so nice & comfortable 
 down there to North Elby, is more'n I know. The suns air 
 next seen in Kansis at a taryern. Mister Blane, a sinister 
 lookin man with his Belt full of knives & hoss pistils, axe 
 
OSSA WA TOMIE BRO WN. 101 
 
 one of the Browns to take a drink. Brown refuzis, which is 
 the fust instance on record whar a Brown deklined sich a in- 
 vite. Mister Blane, who is a dark bearded feroshus lookin 
 persun, then axis him whether he 's fur or fernenst Slavery. 
 Yung Brown sez he 's agin it, whareupon Mister Blane, who is 
 the most sinisterest lookin man I ever saw, sez Har, har, har ! 
 (that bein his stile of larfin wildly) & ups & sticks a knife into 
 yung Brown. Anuther Brown rushes up & sez, "You has 
 killed me Ber-ruther ! " Moosic by the Band & Seen changes. 
 The stuck yung Brown enters supported by his two brothers. 
 Bimeby he falls down, sez he sees his Mother, & dies. Moosic 
 by the Band. I lookt but couldn't see any mother. Next 
 Seen reveels Old Brown's cabin. He 's readin a book. He 
 sez freedum must extend its Area, & rubs his hands like he 
 was pleesed abowt it. His suns come in. One of 'em goes 
 out & cums in ded, havin bin shot while out by a Border 
 Buffin. The ded yung Brown sez he sees his mother and 
 tumbles down. The Border Buffins then surround the cabin 
 & set it a fire. The Browns giv theirselves up for gone coons, 
 when the hired gal diskivers a trap door to the cabin & thay 
 go down threw it & cum up threw the bulkhed. Their mer- 
 raklis 'scape reminds me of the 'scape of De Jones the Coar- 
 schair of the Gulf — a tail with a yaller kiver, that I onct red. 
 For sixteen years he was confined in a loathsum dunjin, 
 not tastin of food durin all that time. When a lucky thawt 
 struck him ! He opend the winder and got out. To resoom. 
 — Old Brown rushes down to the foot-lites, gits down on his 
 nees & swares he '11 hav revenge. The battle of Ossawattermy 
 takes place. Old Brown kills Mister Blane, the sinister indi- 
 vidooal aforesed. Mister Blane makes a able & elerquent 
 speech, sez he don't see his mother much, and dies like a son 
 of a gentleman, rapt up in the Star Spangled Banner. Moosic 
 by the Band. Four or five other Border ruffins air killed, but 
 thay don't say nothin abowt seein their mothers. From Kansis 
 to Harper's Ferry. Picter of a Arsenal is represented. Sojers 
 
102 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 
 
 cum & fire at it. Old Brown cums out & permits hisself to 
 be shot. He is tride by two soops in milingtery close, and 
 sentenced to be hung on the gallus. Tabloo — Old Brown on 
 a platform, pintin upards, the staige lited up with red fire. 
 Goddis of Liberty also on platform, pintin upards. A dutch- 
 man in the orkestry warbles on a base drum. Curtin falls. 
 Moosic by the Band. 
 
 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 
 
 Dear Sirs : — 
 
 I take my pen in hand to inform you that I am in a state 
 of grate bliss, and trust these lines will find you injoyin the 
 same blessins. I'm reguvinated. I've found the immortal 
 waters of yooth, so to speak, and am as limber and frisky as a 
 two-year old steer, and in the futer them boys which sez to me 
 " Go up, old Bawld hed," will do so at the peril of their 
 hazard, individooally. I 'm very happy. My house is full of 
 joy, and I have to git up nights and larf ! Sumtimes I ax 
 myself " Is it not a dream '( " & suthin withinto me sez " It 
 air;" but when I look at them sweet little critters and hear 
 'em squawk, I know it is a reality — 2 realitys, I may say — 
 and I feel gay. 
 
 I returnd from the Summer Campane with my unparaleld 
 show of wax works and livin wild Beests of Pray in the early 
 part of this munth. The peple of Baldinsville met me cordully, 
 and I immejitly commenst restin myself with my famerly. 
 The other nite while I was down to the tavurn tostin my shins 
 agin the bar room fire & amuzin the krowd with sum of my 
 adventurs, who shood cum in bare heded & terrible excited 
 but Bill Stokes, who sez, sez he, "Old Ward, there's grate 
 doins up to your house." 
 
 Sez I, "William, how so?" 
 
 Sez he, " Bust my gizzud, but its grate doins," & then he 
 larfed as if hee 'd kill hisself. 
 
JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. . 103 
 
 Sez I, risin and puttin on a ausfceer look, " William, ] 
 woodunt be a fool if I had common cents." 
 
 But he kept on larfin till he was black in the face, when 
 he fell over on to the bunk where the hostler sleeps, and 
 in a still small voice sed, " Twins ! " I ashure you, gents, that 
 the grass didn 't grow under my feet on my way home, & I 
 was follered by a enthoosiastic throng of my feller sitterzens, 
 who hurrard for Old Ward at the top of their voises. I found 
 the house chock full of peple. Thare was Mis Square Baxter 
 and her three grown up darters, lawyer Perkinses wife, Taber- 
 thy Ripley, young Eben Parsuns, Deakun Simmuns folks, the 
 Skoolmaster, Doctor Jordin, etsettery, etsettery. Mis Ward 
 was in the west room, which jines the kitchin. Mis Square 
 Baxter was mixin suthin in a dipper * before the kitchin fire, 
 & a small army of female wimin were rushin wildly round the 
 house with bottles of camfire, peaces of fiannil, &c. I never 
 seed sich a hubbub in my natral born dase. I cood not stay 
 in the west room only a minit, so strung up was my feelins, so 
 I rusht out and ceased my dubbel barrild gun. 
 
 " What upon airth ales the man 1 " sez Taberthy Ripley. 
 " Sakes t alive, what air you doin 1 " <fe she grabd me by the 
 coat tales. " What 's the matter with you 1 " she continnerd. 
 
 " Twins, marm,'' sez I, " twins ! " 
 
 " I know it," sez she, coverin her pretty face with her apun. 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " that 's what 's the matter with me ! " 
 
 " Wall put down that air gun, you pesky old fool," sed she. 
 
 " No, marm," sez I, " this is a Nashunal day. The glory of 
 this here day isn't confined to Baldinsville by a darn site. On 
 yonder woodshed," sed I, drawin myself up to my full hite and- 
 speakin in a show actin voice, " will I fire a Nashunal saloot ! " 
 sayin whitch I tared myself from her grasp and rusht to the 
 
 * The tin ladle which generajly accompanies a water-pail in the United 
 States. 
 
 t Snakes alive — a common New England exclamation of astonishment 
 at what has been said or done. 
 
104 JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 
 
 top of the shed, whare I blazed away until Square Baxter's hired 
 man and my son Artemus Juneyer cum and took me down by 
 mane force. 
 
 On returnin to the Kitchin I found quite a lot of people 
 seated be4 the fire, a talkin the event over. They made room 
 for me & I sot down. " Quite a eppisode," sed Docter Jordin, 
 litin his pipe with a red hot coal. 
 
 "Yes," sed I, "2 eppisodes, waying abowt 18 pounds 
 intly." 
 
 " A perfeck coop de tat," sed the skoolmaster. 
 
 " E pluribus unum, in proprietor persony," sed I, thinking 
 I 'd let him know I understood furrin langwidges as well as he 
 did, if I wasn't a skoolmaster. 
 
 " It is indeed a momentious event," sed young Eben Parsuns, 
 who has been 2 quarters to the Akademy. 
 
 " I never heard twins called by that name afore," sed I, 
 "but I spose.it's all rite." 
 
 " We shall soon have "Wards enuff," sed the editer of the 
 Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, who was lookin over a bundle of 
 exchange papers in the corner, " to apply to the legislater for 
 a City Charter 1 " 
 
 " Good for you, old man ! " sed I ; " giv that air a conspickius 
 place in the next Bugle.'' 
 
 " How redicklus," sed pretty Susan Fletcher, coverin her 
 face with her knittin work <fe larfin like all possest. 
 
 " Wall, for my part," sed Jane Maria Peasley, who is the 
 crossest old made in the world, " I think you all act like a pack 
 of fools." 
 
 Sez I, " Mis. Peasly, air you a parent 1 " 
 
 Sez she, " No, I aint." 
 
 Sez I, " Mis Peasly, you never will be." 
 
 She left. 
 
 We sot there talkin & larfin until " the switchin hour of 
 nite, when grave yards yawn & Josts troop 4th," as old Bill 
 Shakespire aptlee obsarves in his dramy of John Sheppard, 
 
JOY IN THE HOUSE OF WARD. 105 
 
 esq., or the Moral House Breaker, when we broke up &, dis- 
 bursed. 
 
 Muther <fc children is a doin well ; & as Resolushuns is 
 the order of the day, I will feel obleeged if you '11 insilrt the 
 follerin : — 
 
 Whereas two Eppisodes has happined up to the under- 
 sined's house, which is Twins ; & Whereas I like this stile, 
 sade twins bein of the male perswashun & both boys ; there4 
 Be it 
 
 Resolved, that to them nabers who did the fare thing by 
 sade Eppisodes my hart felt thanks is doo. 
 
 Resolved, that I do mosthartily thank Engine Ko. No. 17, 
 who, under the impreshun from the fuss at my house on that 
 auspishus nite that thare was a konflagration goin on, kum 
 galyiantly to the spot, but kindly refraned frum squirtin. 
 
 Resolved, that frum the Bottum of my Sole do I thank the 
 Baldinsville brass band fur givin up the idea of Sarahnadin 
 me, both on that great nite & sinse. 
 
 Resolved, that my thanks is doo several members of the 
 Baldinsville meetin house who fur 3 whole dase hain't kalled 
 me a sinful skoffer or intreeted me to mend my wicked wase 
 and jine sade meetin house to onct. 
 
 Resolved, that my Boozum teams with meny kind emoshuns 
 towards the follerin individoouls, to whit namelee — Mis Square 
 Baxter, who Jenerusly refoozed to take a sent for a bottle of 
 camfire; lawyer Perkinses wife, who rit sum versis on the 
 Eppisodes ; the Editer of the Baldinsville Bugle of Liberty, who 
 nobly assisted me in wollupin my Kangeroo, which sagashus 
 little cuss seriusly disturbed the Eppisodes by his outrajus 
 screetchins & kickins up ; Mis Hirum Doolittle, who kindly 
 furnisht sum cold vittles at a tryin time, when it wasunt kon- 
 venient to cook vittles at my house ; & the Peasleys, Par- 
 sunses & Watsunses fur there meny ax of kindness. — Trooly 
 yures, 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
io6 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN'. 
 
 CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN. 
 
 In overhaulin one of my old trunks the tother day, I found 
 the foHerin jernal of a vyge on the starnch canawl bote, Polly 
 Ann, 'which happened to the subscriber when I was a young 
 man (in the Brite Lexington of yooth, when thar aint no sich 
 word as fale) on the Wabash Canawl : 
 
 Monday, 2 P.M.— Got under wa. Hosses not remarkable 
 frisky at fust. Had to bild fires under 'em before they'd 
 start. Started at larst very suddent, causin the bote for to 
 lurch vilently and knockin me orf from my pins. (Sailor 
 frase.) Sevral passenjers on bored. Parst threw deliteful 
 country. Honist farmers was to work sowin korn, and other 
 projuce in the fields. Surblime scenery. Large red-heded gal 
 reclinin on the banks of the Canawl, bathin her feet. 
 
 Turned in at 15 minits parst eleving. 
 
 Toosdy.- — Riz at 5 and went up on the ,poop deck. Took 
 a grown person's dose of licker with a member of thelnjianny 
 legislater, which he urbanely insisted on allowin me to pay for. 
 Bote tearin threu the briny waters at the rate of 2 Nots a 
 hour, when the boy on the leadin hoss shoutid — 
 
 " Sale hoe ! ' 
 
 " Whar away ? " hollered the capting, clearin his glass (a 
 empty black bottle, with the bottom knockt out) and bringing 
 it to his Eagle eye. 
 
 " Bout four rods to the starbud," screamed the boy. 
 
 " Jes so," screeched the capting. " What wessel 's that air? " 
 
 " Kickin Warier of Terry Hawt, and be darned to you ! " 
 
 " I, I, Sir ! " hollered our capting. " Reef your arft hoss, 
 splice your main jib-boom, and hail your chambermaid ! 
 What 's up in Terry Hawt ? " 
 
 " You know Bill Spikes 1 " sed the capting of the Warier. 
 
 " Wall, I reckin. He can eat more fride pork nor any man 
 of his heft on the Wabash. He 's a ornament to his sex ! " 
 
 " Wall," continued the capting of the Kickin Warier. 
 
CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN 107 
 
 " Wilyim got a little owly * the tother day, and got to prancin 
 around town on that old white mare of his'n, and bein in a 
 playful mood, he rid up in front of the Court 'us whar old 
 Judge Perkins was a holdin Court, and let drive his rifle at 
 him. The bullet didn't hit the Judge at all; it only jes 
 whizzed parst his left ear, lodgin in the wall behind him ; but 
 what d'ye spose the old despot did ? Why, he actooally fined 
 Bill ten dollars for contempt of Court ! What do you think of 
 that ? " axed the capting of the Warier, as he parst a long black 
 bottle over to our capting. 
 
 " The country is indeed in danger ! " sed our capting, raisin 
 the bottle to his lips. The wessels parted. No other inci- 
 dents that day. Retired to my chased couch at 5 minits 
 parst 10. 
 
 Wensdy. — Riz arly. Wind blowin N.W.E. Hevy sea qn, 
 and ship rollin wildly in consekents of pepper-corns havin 
 bin fastened to the forrerd hoss's tale. "Heave two!" roared 
 the capting to the man at the rudder, as the Polly giv a friteful 
 toss. I was sick, an sorry I 'd cum. " Heave two ! " repeated 
 the capting. I went below. " Heave two ! " I hearn him 
 holler agin, and stickin my hed out of the cabin winder, / hev. 
 
 The hosses became dosile eventually, and I felt better. The 
 sun bust out in all his splender, disregardless of expense, and 
 lovely Natur put in her best licks.t We parst the beautiful 
 village of Limy, which lookt sweet indeed, with its neat white 
 cottages, Institoots of learnin and other evijences of civilliza- 
 shun, incloodin a party of bald heded oullered men who was 
 playing 3 card monty % on the stoop of the Red Eagle tavern. 
 
 * A similar expression to our slang term rriooney, i.e., intoxicated. 
 
 + Strokes, and hence efforts, exertions. " To put in big licks," is to make 
 great exertions, to work hard. 
 
 $ Monte, a Spanish game of chance played with cards, of which the 
 Spanish Americans are excessively fond. Formerly only played in New 
 Orleans and other Southern towns in commercial connection with the old 
 Spanish colonies ; it is now comparatively common at all the groceries 
 and bar-rooms of the North. 
 
ioS CRUISE OF THE POLLY ANN 
 
 All, all was food far my 2 poetic sole. I went below to break- 
 fast, but vittles had lost their charms. " Take sum of this," 
 sed the Capting, shovin a bottle tords my plate. "It's 
 whisky. A few quarts allers sets me right when my stummick 
 gits out of order. It 's a excellent tonic ! " I declined the 
 seductive fiooid. 
 
 Thursdy. — Didn't rest well last night on account of a up- 
 rore made by the capting, who stopt the Bote to go ashore 
 and smash in the windows of a grosery.* He was brought 
 back in about a hour, with his hed dun up in a red hanker- 
 cher, his eyes bein swelled up orful, and his nose very much 
 out of jint. He was bro't aboard on a shutter by his crue, 
 and deposited on the cabin floor, the passenjers all risin up in 
 their births, pushin the red curtains aside & lookin out to see 
 what the matter was. " Why do you allow your pashuns to 
 run away with you in this onseemly stile, my misgided frend? " 
 sed a solium lookin man in a red flannel nite-cap. " Why do 
 you sink yourself to the Beasts of the field ? " 
 
 " Wall, the fack is," sed the capting, risin hisself on the 
 shutter, "I've bin a little prejoodiced agin that grosery for 
 some time. But I made it lively for the boys, Deacon ! Bet 
 yer life ! " He larfed a short, wild larf, and called for his jug. 
 Sippin a few pints, he smiled gently upon the passenjers, sed 
 "Bless you ! bless you ! " and fell into a sweet sleep. 
 
 Eventually we reached our jerny's end. This was in the 
 days of Old Long Sign, be4 the iron hoss was foaled. This 
 was be4 steembotes was goin round bustin their bilers & sendin 
 peple higher nor a kite. Them was happy days, when peple 
 was intelligent & wax Agger's & livin wild beests wasn't 
 scoffed at. 
 
 " dase of me boyhood 
 I 'm dreamiu on ye now ! " 
 (Poeckry.) A. W. 
 
 * See foot-note, p. 63. 
 
INTER VIE W WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 1 09 
 INTERVIEW WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 
 
 I HAV no politics. Nary a one. I 'm not in the bizniss. If 
 I was I spose I should holler versiffrusly in the streets at nite, 
 and go home to Betsy Jane smellen of coal ile and gin in the 
 mornin. I should go to the Poles arly. I should stay there 
 all day. I should see to it that my nabers was thar. I should 
 git carriges to take the kripples, the infirm, and the indignant 
 thar. I should be on guard agin frauds and sich. I should 
 be on the look out for the infamus lise of the enemy, got up 
 jest be4 elecshun for perlitical effeck. When all was over, 
 and my candydate was elected, I should move heving & arth 
 — so to speak — until I got orfice, which if I didn't git a orfice 
 I should turn round and abooze the Administration with all 
 my mite and maine. But I 'm not in the bizniss. I 'm in a 
 far more respectful bizniss nor what pollertics is. I wouldn't 
 giv two cents to be a Congresser. The wus insult I ever 
 received was when sertin citizens of Baldinsville axed me to 
 run fur the Legislater. Sez I, " My frends, dostest think I 'd 
 stoop to that there % " They turned as white as a sheet. I 
 spoke in my most orfullest tones, & they knowd I wasn't to 
 be trifled with. They slunked out of site to onct. 
 
 There4, havin no politics, I made bold to visit Old Abe at 
 his humstid in Springfield. I found the old feller in his 
 parler, surrounded by a perfeck swarm of orfice seekers. 
 Knowin he had been capting of a flat boat on the roarin 
 Mississippy I thought I 'd address him in sailor lingo, so sez 
 I, " Old Abe, ahoy ! Let out yer main-suls, reef hum the fore- 
 castle & throw yer jib-poop over-board ! Shiver my timbers, 
 my harty ! " [N.B. — This is ginuine mariner langwidge. I 
 know, becawz I 've seen sailor plays acted out by them New 
 York theater fellers.] Old Abe lookt up quite cross & sez, 
 " Send in yer petition by & by. I can't possibly look at it 
 now. Indeed I can't. It 's onpossible, sir ! " 
 
 " Mr Linkin, who do you spect I air 1 " sed I. 
 
no INTERVIEW WITH 
 
 " A orfice-seeker, to be sure ! " sed he. # 
 
 " Wall, sir," sed I, " you 's never more mistaken irf'youftiife. 
 You hain't gut a orfiss I 'd take under no circumstances. ■J*ta i -, 
 A. Ward. Wax figgers is my perfeshun. I'm the father of 
 Twins, and they look like me — both of them. I cum to pay 
 a frendly visit to the President eleck of the United States. 
 If so be you wants to see me, say so — if not, say so, & I'm orf 
 like a jug handle." 
 
 " Mr. Ward, sit down. I am glad to see you, sir." 
 " Bepose in Abraham's Buzzum ! " sed one of the orfice 
 seekers, his idee bein to git orf a goak at my expense. 
 
 " Wall," sez I, " ef all you fellers repose in that there 
 Buzzum thare '11 be mity poor nussin for sum of you I" where- 
 upon Old Abe buttoned his weskit clear up and blusht like a 
 maidin of sweet 16. Jest at this pint of the conversation 
 another swarm of orfice-seekers arrove & cum pilin into the 
 parler. Sum wanted post-oriices, sum wanted collectorships, 
 sum wantid furrin missions, and all wanted sumthin. I 
 thought Old Abe would go crazy. He hadn't more than had 
 time to shake hands with 'em, before another tremenjis crowd 
 cum porein onto his premises. His house and dooryard was 
 now perfeckly overflowed with orfice-seekers, all clameruss for 
 a immejit interview with Old Abe. One man from Ohio, who 
 had about seven inches of corn whisky into him, mistook me 
 for Old Abe, and addrest me as " The Pra-hayrie Flower of 
 the West ! " Thinks I, you want a offiss putty bad. Another 
 man with a gold heded cane and a red nose, told Old Abe he 
 was " a seckind. Washington & the Pride of the Boundless 
 West." 
 
 Sez I, " Square, you wouldn't take a small post-offis if you 
 could git it, would you ? " 
 
 Sez he, " A patrit is abuv them things, sir ! " 
 " There 's a putty big crop of patrits this season, aint there, 
 Squire 1 " sez I, when another crowd of offiss-seekers pored in. 
 The house, dooryard, barn, & woodshed was now all full, and 
 
. .-.- PRESIDENT LINCOLN. in 
 
 when another crowd cum I told 'em not to go away for want 
 of room, as the hog-pen was still empty. One patrit from a 
 . small town in Michygan went up on top the house, got into 
 the chimney and slid down into the parler where Old Abe 
 was endeverin to keep the hungry pack of orfice-seekers from 
 chawin him up alive without benefit of clergy. The minit he 
 reached the fire-place, he jumpt up, brusht the soot out of his 
 eyes, and yelled : " Don't make eny pintment at the Spunk- 
 ville post-offiss till you 've read my papers. All the respectful 
 men in our town is signers to that there dockyment ! " 
 
 " Good God ! " cride Old Abe, " they cum upon me from the 
 skize — down the chimneys, and from the bowels of the yearth !" 
 He hadn't more'n got them words out of his delikit mouth 
 before two fat offiss-seekers from Wisconsin, in endeverin to 
 crawl atween his legs for the purpuss of applyin for the toll- 
 gateship at Milwawky, upsot the President eleck, & he would 
 hev gone sprawlin into the fire-place if I hadn't caught him in 
 these arms. But I hadn't morn'n stood him up strate, before 
 another man cum crashin down the chimney, his head strikin 
 me vilently agin the inards and prostrating my voluptoous 
 form onto the floor. " Mr Linkin," shoutid the infatooated 
 being, " my papers is signed by every clergyman in our town, 
 and likewise the skoolmaster ! " 
 
 Sez I, " You egrejis ass,'' gitting up & brushin the dust from 
 my eyes, " I '11 sign your papers with this bunch of bones, if 
 you don't be a little more keerful how you make my bread- 
 basket a depot in the futer. How do you like that air per- 
 fumery?" sez I, shuving my fist under his nose. " Them's the 
 kind of papers I '11 giv you ! Them 's the papers you want ! " 
 
 " But I workt hard for the ticket j I toiled night and day ! 
 The patrit should be rewarded ! " 
 
 " Virtoo," sed I, holdin the infatooated man by the coat- 
 collar, " virtoo, sir, is its own reward. Look at me ! " He 
 did look at me, and qualed be4 my gase. " The fact is," I 
 continued, lookin round on the hungry crowd, "there is 
 
1 1 2 INTER VIE W WITH PRESIDENT LINCOLN. 
 
 scacely a offiss for every ile lamp carrid round durin this 
 campane. I wish thare was. I wish thare was furrin mis- 
 sions to be filled on varis lonely Islands where eppydemics 
 rage incessantly, and if I was in Old Abe's place I 'd send 
 ■every mother's son of you to them. What air you here for 1" 
 I continnered, warmin up considerable, " can't you giv Abe a 
 minit's peace? Don't you see he's worrid most to death? 
 Go home, you miserable men, go home & till the sile ! Go 
 to peddlin tinware — go to choppin wood— go to bilin sope — 
 stuff sassengers — black boots — git a clerkship on sum respect- 
 able manure cart — go round as original Swiss Bell Ringers — 
 becum ' origenal and only' Campbell Minstrels — go to lecturin 
 at 50 dollars a nite — imbark in the peanut bizniss — write for 
 the Ledger*- — saw off your legs and go round givin concerts, 
 with techin appeals to a charitable public, printed on your 
 handbills — anything for a honest livin, but don't come round 
 here drivin Old Abe crazy by your outrajis cuttings up ! Go 
 home. ' Stand not upon the order of your goin,' but go to 
 onct ! Ef in five minits from this time," sez I, pullin out my 
 new sixteen dollar huntin cased watch, and brandishin it 
 before their eyes, — " Ef in five minits from this time a single 
 sole of you remains on these here premises, I '11 go out to my 
 cage near by, and let my Boy Constructor loose ! & ef he gits 
 amiing you, you '11 think old Solferino has cum again and no 
 mistake ! " You ought to hev seen them scamper, Mr Fair. They 
 run orf as though Satun hisself was after them with a red 
 hot ten pronged pitchfork. In five minits the premises was 
 clear. 
 
 " How kin I ever repay you, Mr Ward, for your kindness 1" 
 sed Old Abe, advancin and shakin me warmly by the hand. 
 " How kin I ever repay you, sir?" 
 
 " By givin the whole country a good, sound administration. 
 By poerin ile upon the troubled waturs, North and South. 
 
 * A Sew York newspaper famous for its numerous contributors. 
 
THE SHO IV IS CONFJSCA TED. 1 1 3 
 
 By pursooin a patriotic, firm, and just course, and then, if any- 
 State wants to secede, let 'em Sesesh !" 
 
 " How 'bout my Cabinit, Mister Ward V sed Abe. 
 - " Fill it up with Showmen, sir ! Showmen is devoid of 
 politics. They hain't got any principles ! They know how 
 to cater for the public. They know what the public wants, 
 North & South. Showmen, sir, is honest men. Ef you doubt 
 their literary ability, look at their posters, and see small bills ! 
 Ef you want a Cabinit as is a Cabinit, fill it up with showmen, 
 but don't call on me. The moral wax figger perfeshun musn't 
 be permitted to go down while there 's a drop of blood in these 
 vains ! A. Linkin, I wish you well ! Ef Powers or Wal- 
 cutt wus to pick out a model for a beautiful man, I scacely 
 think they 'd sculp you ; but ef you do the fair thing by your 
 country, you '11 make as putty a angel as any of us ! A. Linkin, 
 use the talents which Nature has put into you judishusly and 
 firmly, and all will be well ! A. Linkin, adoo I" 
 
 He shook me cordyully by the hand — we exchanged picters, 
 so we could gaze upon each others' liniments when far away 
 from one another — he at the helium of the ship of State, and 
 I at the helium of the show bizniss — admittance only 15 
 cents. 
 
 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 
 
 You hav perhaps wondered wharebouts I was for these many 
 dase gone and past. Perchans you sposed I'd gone to the 
 Tomb of the Cappyletts, tho I don't know what those is. It 's 
 a popler noospaper frase. 
 
 Listen to my tail, and be silent that ye may here. I 've been 
 among the Seseshers, a earnin my daily peck by my legitimit 
 perfeshun, and havn't had no time to weeld my facile quill for 
 " the Grate Komick paper,'' if you '11 allow me to kote from 
 your troothful advertisement. 
 
 My success was skaly, and I likewise had a narrer scape of 
 
 H 
 
ii4 THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 
 
 my life. If what I 've bin threw is " Suthern hosspitality,"" 
 'bout which we 've hearn so much, then I feel bound to obsarve 
 that they made two much of me. They was altogether too 
 lavish with their attenshuns. 
 
 I went amung the Seseshers with no feelins of annermosity. 
 I went in my perfeshernal capacity. I was actooated by one 
 of the most Loftiest desires which can swell the human Buz- 
 zum, viz. : — to giv the peple their money's worth, by showin 
 them Sagashus Beests, and Wax Statoots, which I venter to 
 say air onsurpast by any other statoots anywheres. I will not 
 call that man who sez my statoots is humbugs a lier and a 
 hoss thief, but bring him be4 me and I '11 wither him with one 
 of my scornful frowns. 
 
 But to proceed with my tail. In my travels threw the 
 Sonny South I heared a heap of talk about Seceshon and 
 bustin up the Union, but I didn't think it mounted to nothin. 
 The politicians in all the villages was swearin that Old Abe 
 (sometimes called the Prahayrie flower) shouldn't never be 
 noggerated. They also made fools of theirselves in varis ways, 
 but as they was used to that I didn't let it worry me much, 
 and the Stars and Stripes continued for to wave over my little 
 tent. Moor over, I was a Son of Malty and a member of 
 several other Temperance Societies, and my wife she was a 
 Dawter of Malty, an I sposed these fax would secoor me the 
 infloonz and pertectiun of all the fust families. Alas ! I was 
 dispinted. State arfcer State seseshed, and it growed hotter 
 and hotter for the undersined. Things came to a climbmacks 
 in a small town in Alabamy, where I was premptorally ordered 
 to haul down the Stars & Stripes. A deppytashun of red- 
 faced men cum up to the door of my tent ware I was standin 
 takin money (the arternoon exhibishun had commenst, an' my 
 Italyun organist was jerkin his sole-stirrin chimes). " We air 
 cum, Sir," said a millingtary man in a cockt hat, " upon a hi 
 .and holy mishun. The Southern Eagle is screamin threwout 
 this sunny land— proudly and defiantly screamin, Sir ! " 
 
THE SHO W IS CONFISCA TED. 1 1 5 
 
 "What's the matter with him?" sez I; " don't his vittles sit 
 well on his stummick?" 
 
 " That Eagle, Sir, will continner to scream all over this Brite 
 and tremenjus land ! " 
 
 " Wall, let him scream. If your Eagle can amuse hisself by 
 screamin, let him went !" The men annoyed me, for I was 
 Bizzy makin change. 
 
 " "We are cum, Sir, upon a matter of dooty " 
 
 " You 're right, Capting. It's every man's dooty to visit my 
 show," sed I. 
 
 " We air cum " 
 
 " And that's the reason you are here !" sez I, larfin one of 
 my silvery larfs. I thawt if he wanted to goak I'd giv him 
 sum of my sparklin eppygrams. 
 
 " Sir, you 're inserlent. The plain question is, will you haul 
 down the Star-Spangled Banner, and hist the Southern flag ! " 
 
 " Nary hist !" Those was my reply. 
 
 " Your wax works and beests ' is then confisticated, & you 
 air arrested as a Spy !" 
 
 Sez I, " My fragrant roses of the Southern clime and 
 Bloomin daffodils, what's the price of whisky in this town, 
 and how many cubic feet of that seductive flooid can you 
 individooally hold?" 
 
 They made no reply to that, but said my wax figgers was 
 confisticated. I axed them if that was ginerally the stile 
 among thieves in that country, to which - they also made no 
 reply, but sed I was arrested as a Spy, and must go to Mont- 
 gomry in iuns. They was by this time jined by a large crowd 
 of other Southern patrits, who commenst hollerin " Hang the 
 bald-headed aberlitionist, and bust up his immoral exhibition !" 
 I was ceased and tied to a stump, and the crowd went for my 
 tent — that water-proof pavilion, wherein instruction and 
 amoosment had been so muchly combined, at 15 cents per 
 head — and tore it all to pieces. Meanwhile dirty faced boys 
 was throwin stuns and empty beer bottles at my massive 
 
1 1 6 THE SHO W IS CONFISCA TED. 
 
 brow, and takin other improper liberties with myperson. Resist- 
 ance was useless, for a variety of reasons, as I readily obsarved. 
 
 The Seseshers confisticated my statoots by smashin them to 
 attums. They then went to my money box and confisticated 
 all the loose change therein contaned. They then went and 
 bust in my cages, lettin all the animils loose, a small but 
 helthy tiger among the rest. This tiger has a excentric way 
 of tearin dogs to peaces, and I allers sposed from his gineral 
 conduck that he 'd hav no hesitashun in servin human beins 
 in the same way if he could git at them. Excuse me if I was 
 crooil, but I larfed boysterrusly when I see that tiger spring 
 in among the people. " Go it, my sweet cuss !" I inardly 
 exclaimed ; " I forgive you for bitin off my left thum with all 
 my heart ! Rip 'em up like a bully tiger whose Lare has bin 
 inwaded by Seseshers !'' 
 
 I can't say for certain that the tiger serisly injured any of 
 them, but as he was seen a few days after, sum miles distant, 
 with a large and well selected assortment of seats of trowsis 
 in his mouth, and as he lookt as tho he 'd bin havin sum vilent 
 exercise, I rayther guess he did. You will therefore perceive 
 that they didn't confisticate him much. 
 
 I was carrid to Montgomry in iuns and placed in durans 
 vial. The jail was a ornery edifiss, but the table was librally 
 surplied with Bakin an Cabbidge. This was a good variety, 
 for when I didn't hanker after Bakin I could help myself to 
 the cabbige. 
 
 I had nobody to talk to nor nothing to talk about, hows- 
 ever, and I was very lonely, specially on the first day ; so when 
 the jailer parst my lonely sell I put the few stray hairs on the 
 back part of my hed (I'm bald now, but thare was a time 
 when I wore sweet auburn ringlets) into as dish-hevild a state 
 as possible, & rollin my eyes like a manyyuck, I cride : " Stay, 
 jaler, stay ! I am not mad, but soon shall be if you don't bring 
 me suthing to Talk!" He brung me sum noospapers, for 
 which I thanked him kindly. 
 
THE SHOW IS CONFISCATED. 117. 
 
 At larst I got a interview with Jefferson Davis, the Presi- 
 dent of the Southern Conthieveracy. He was quite perlite, 
 and axed me to sit down and state my case. I did it, when 
 he larfed and said his gallunt men had been a little 2 enthoo- 
 siastic in confisticatin my show. 
 
 " Yes," sez I, " they confisticated me too muchly. I had 
 sum hosses confisticated in the same way onct, but the con- 
 fisticaters air now poundin stun in the States Prison in 
 Injinnapylus." 
 
 " Wall, wall, Mister Ward, you air at liberty to depart ; . 
 you air frendly to the South, I know. Even now we hav 
 many frens in the North, who sympathise with us, and won't 
 mingle with this fight." 
 
 " J. Davis, there's your grate mistaik. Many of us was 
 your sincere frends, and thought certin parties aiming us was 
 fussin about you and meddlin with your consarns intirely 
 too much. But J. Davis, the minit you fire a gun at the piece 
 of dry-goods called the Star-Spangled Banner, the North gits 
 up and rises en massy, in defence of that banner. Not agin 
 you as individooals, — not agin the South even — but to save 
 the flag. We should indeed be weak in the knees, unsound 
 in the heart, milk-white in the liver-, and soft in the hed, if we 
 stood quietly by and saw this glorus Govyment smashed to 
 pieces, either by a furrin or a intestine foe. The gentle-harted' 
 mother hates to take her naughty child across her knee, but 
 she knows it is her dooty to do it. So we shall hate to whip 
 the naughty South, but we must do it if you don't make back 
 tracks at onct, and we shall wallup you out of your boots ! 
 J. Davis, it is my decided opinion that the Sonny South is 
 makin a egrejus mutton-hed of herself !" 
 
 " Go on, sir, you're safe enuff. You 're too small powder 
 for me!" sed the President of the Southern Conthieveracy. 
 
 " Wait till I go home and start out the Baldinsvill Mounted 
 Hoss Cavalry! I'm Cap ting of that Corpse, I am, and J. 
 Davis, beware ! Jefferson D., I now leave you ! Farewell, my 
 
nS THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE, 
 
 gay Saler Boy ! Good, bye, my bold buccaneer ! Pirut of the 
 deep blue sea, adoo ! adoo I" 
 
 My tower threw the Southern Conthieveracy on my way 
 home was thrillin enuff for yeller covers. It will form the. 
 subjeck of my next. Betsy Jane and the progeny air well. — 
 Yours respectively, 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 
 
 I had a narrer scape from the sonny South. " The swings 
 and arrers of outrajus fortin," alluded to by Hamlick, warn't 
 nothin in comparison to my trubles. I come pesky* near 
 swearin sum profane oaths more'n onct, but I hope I didn't 
 do it, for I 've promist she whose name shall be nameless (ex- 
 cept that her initials is Betsy J.) that I '11 jine the Meetin 
 House at Baldinsville, jest as soon as I can scrape money enuff 
 together so I can 'ford to be piuss in good stile, like my welthy 
 nabers. But if I 'm confisticated agin I 'm fraid I shall con- 
 tinner on in my. present benited state for sum time. 
 
 I figgered conspicyusly in many thrillin scenes in my tower 
 from Montgomry to my humsted, and on sevril occasions I 
 thought " the grate komick paper " wouldn't be inriched no 
 more with my lubrications. Arter biddin adoo to Jefferson 
 D. I started for the depot. I saw a nigger sittin on a fence 
 a-playin on a banjo. " My Afrikan Brother," sed I, coting 
 from a Track I onct red, " you belong to a very interesting 
 race. Your masters is going to war excloosively on your 
 account." 
 
 " Yes, boss," + he replied, " an' I wish 'em honorable 
 
 * Confoundedly, excessively ; a New England expression, the origin of 
 which lexicographers have not been able to determine. 
 
 + The terms "master" and "servant" grate upon the ears of all 
 Americans. With them the employer is a bosi, and the servant a help. 
 
THRILLING SCEENS IN DIXIE. 119 
 
 graves ! " and he went on playin the banjo, Iarfin all over and 
 openin his mouth wide enuff to drive in an old-fashioned 2 
 wheeled chaise. 
 
 The train of cars in which I was to trust my wallerable life 
 was the scaliest, rickytiest lookin lot of consarns that I ever 
 saw on wheels afore. " What time does this string of second- 
 hand coffins leave ? " I inquired of the depot master. He sed 
 direckly, and I went in & sot down. I hadn't more 'n fairly 
 squatted afore a dark lookin man with a swinister expression 
 onto his countenance entered- the cars, and lookin. very sharp 
 at me, he axed what was my principles 1 
 
 " Secesh ! " I ansered. " I 'm a Dissoluter. I 'm in favor 
 of Jeff Davis, Bowregardi Piekens, Capt. Kidd, Bloobeard, 
 Munro Edards, the devil, Mrs Cunningham, and all the rest 
 of 'em." 
 
 " You 're in favor of the war I " 
 
 t: Certingly. By all means. I 'm in favor of this war and 
 also of the next war. I 've been in favor of the next war for 
 over sixteen years ! " 
 
 " War to the knive ! " sed the man. 
 
 " Blud, Eargo, blud!" sed I, tho them words isn't origgernal 
 with me. Them words was rit by Shakspeare, who is ded. 
 He mantle fell onto the author/ of " The Seven Sisters," who's 
 goin to hav a Spring overcoat made out of it. 
 
 We got under way at lars/, an' proceeded on our jerney at 
 about the rate of speed which is ginrally obsarved by properly- 
 conducted funeral processions. A hansum yung gal, with a 
 red musketer bar* on the back side of her hed, and a sassy 
 little black hat tipt over her forrerd, sot in the seat with me. 
 She wore a little Sesesh flag pin'd onto her hat, and she was 
 a goin for to see her troo love, who had jined the Southern 
 
 * The piece of gauze or muslin worn around the bed in summer 
 as a protection from the mosquitos, not unlike, according to Mr Ward's 
 ideas, a lady's long veil. - 
 
126 THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 
 
 army, all so bold and gay. So she told me. She was chilly 
 and I offered her my blanket. 
 
 ," Father livin?" I axed. 
 
 " Yes, sir.'' 
 
 " Got any Uncles 1 " 
 
 " A heap. Uncle Thomas is ded, tho." 
 
 " Peace to Uncle Thomas's ashes, and success to him ! I 
 will be your Uncle Thomas ! Lean on me, my pretty Secesher, 
 and linger in Blissful repose L" She slept as secoorly as in 
 her own housen, and didn't disturb the solium stillness of the 
 night with 'ary snore ! 
 
 At the first station a troop of Sojers entered the cars and 
 inquired if " Old Wax Works " was on bored. That was the 
 disrespectiv stile in which they referred to me. " Becawz if 
 Old Wax Works is on bored," sez a man with a face like a 
 double-brested lobster, "we're going to hang Old Wax Works!" 
 
 " My illustrious and patriotic Bummers ! " sez I, a gittin up 
 and takin orf my Shappo, " if you allude to A. Ward, it 's my 
 pleasin dodty to inform you that he 's ded. He saw the error 
 of his ways at 15 minits parst2 yesterday, and stabbed hisself 
 with a stuffed sled-stake, dying in five beautiful tabloos to 
 slow moosic ! His larst words was : ' My perfeshernal career 
 is over ! I jerk no more ! '" 
 
 " And who be you t " 
 
 " I 'm a stoodent in Senater Benjamin's law offiss. I 'm 
 going up North to steal some spoons and things for the 
 Southern Army." 
 
 This was satisfactry, and the intossieated troopers went orf. 
 At the next station the pretty little Secesher awoke and sed 
 she must git out there. I bid her a kind adoo and giv her 
 sum pervisions. " Accept my blessin and this hunk of ginger- 
 bread ! " I sed. She thankt me muchly and tript galy away. 
 There 's considerable human nater in a man, and I 'm fraid I 
 shall allers giv aid and comfort to the enemy if he cums to me 
 in the shape of a nice young gal. 
 
THRILLING SCENES IN DIXIE. 121 
 
 At the next station I didn't get orf so easy. I was dragged 
 out of the cars and rolled in the mud for several minits, for 
 the purpose of "takin the conseet out of me," as a Secesher 
 kindly stated. 
 
 I was let up finally, when a powerful large Secesher came up 
 and embraced me, and to show that he had no hard feelins agin 
 me, put his nose into my mouth. I returned the compliment 
 by placin my stummick suddenly agin his right foot, when he 
 kindly made a spittoon of his able-bodied face. Actooated by 
 a desire to see whether the Secesher had bin vaxinated I then 
 fastened my teeth onto his left coat-sleeve and tore it to the 
 shoulder. We then vilently bunted our heads together for a 
 few minits, danced around a little, and sot down in a mud 
 puddle. We riz to our feet agin & by a sudden and adroit 
 movement I placed my left eye agin the Secesher's fist. We 
 then rushed into each other's arms and fell under a two-hoss 
 wagon. I was very much exhaustid and didn't care about 
 gittin up agin, but the man said he reckoned I 'd better, and I 
 conclooded I would. He pulled me up, but I hadn't bin on my 
 feet more'n two seconds afore the ground flew up and hit me 
 in the hed. The crowd sed it was high old sport, but I couldn't 
 zackly see where the lafture come in. I riz and we embraced 
 agin. We careered madly to a steep bank, when I got the 
 upper hands of my antaggernist and threw him into the raveen. 
 He fell about forty feet, striking a grindstone pretty hard. I 
 understood he was injured. I haven't heard from the grind- 
 stone. 
 
 A man in a cockt hat cum up and sed he felt as though a 
 apology was doo me. There was a mistake. The crowd had 
 taken me for another man ! I told him not to mention it, and 
 axed him if his wife and little ones was so as to be about, and 
 got on bored the train, which had stopped at that station " 20 
 minits for refreshments." I got all I wantid. It was the 
 hardest meal I ever et. 
 
 I was rid on a rale the next day, a bunch of blazin fire 
 
122. FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 
 
 crackers bein tied to my coat tales. It was a fine spectycai in 
 a dramatic pint of view, but I didn't enjoy it. I had other 
 adventers of a startlin kind, but why continner? "Why 
 lasserate the Public Boozum with these here things ? Suffysifc 
 to say I got across Mason & Dixie's* line safe at last. I made 
 tracks for my humsted, but she to whom I 'm harnist for life 
 failed to recognize, in the emashiated bein who stood before 
 her, the gushin youth of forty-six summers who had left her 
 only a few months afore. But I went into the pantry, and 
 brought out a certin black bottle. Baisin it to my lips, I 
 sed '' Here 's to you, old gal ! " I did it so natral that she 
 knowed me at once. " Those form ! Them voice ! That 
 natral stile of doin things ! 'Tis he ! " she cried, and rushed 
 into my arms. It was too much for her & she fell into a swoon. 
 I cum very near swoundin myself. 
 
 No more to-day from yours for the Pepetration of the Union, 
 and the bringin of the Goddess of Liberty out of her oresent 
 bad fix. 
 
 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION, 
 
 Delivered July 4, at Wealhersfield, Connecticut, 1859. 
 
 [I delivered the follerin, about two years ago, to a large and discrimi- 
 nating awjince. I was 96 minits passin a given pint. I have revised the 
 orashun, and added sum things which makes it approposser to the times 
 than it otherwise would be. I have also corrected the grammers and 
 punktooated it. I do my own punktooatih now days. The printers in 
 Vanity Fair offiss can't punktooate worth a cent.] 
 
 Feller Citizens,— I 've been honored with a invite to norate 
 before you to-day ; and when I say that I skurcely feel ekal to 
 the task, I 'm sure you will believe me. 
 
 * Mason and Dixon's line, the geographical boundary between the 
 Uorth and South, the Slave and the Free States. 
 
FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 123 
 
 Weathersfield is justly celebrated for her onyins and 
 patritism the world over, and to be axed to paws and address 
 you on this, my fust perfeshernal tower threw New Englan, 
 causes me to feel — to feel — I may say it causes me to feel. 
 (Grate applaws. They thought this was one of my eccen- 
 tricities, while the fact is I was stuck. This between you 
 and I.) 
 
 I'm a plane man. I don't know nothin about no ded 
 languages and am a little shaky on Hvin ones. Therei, ex- 
 pect no flowry talk from me. What I shall say will be to the 
 pint, right strate out. 
 
 I 'm not a politician and my other habits air good. I 've no 
 enemys to reward, nor friends to sponge. But I 'm a Union 
 man. I luv the Union — it is a Big thing — and it makes my 
 hart bleed to see a lot of ornery peple a-movin heaven — no, 
 not heaven, but the other place' — and earth, to bust it up. Too 
 much good blud was spilt in courtin and marryin that hily 
 respectable female the Goddess of Liberty, to git a divorce 
 from her now. My own State of Injianny is • celebrated for 
 unhitchin marrid peple with neatness and dispatch, but you 
 can't git a divorce from the Goddess up there. Not by no 
 means. The old gal has behaved herself too well to cast her 
 off now. I 'm sorry the picters don't give her no shoes or 
 stockins, but the band of stars upon her hed must continner 
 to shine undimd, forever. Ime for the Union as she air, and 
 whithered be the arm of every ornery cuss who attempts to 
 bust her up. That 's me. I have sed ! [It was a very sweaty 
 day, and at this pint of the orashun a man fell down with 
 sunstroke. I told the awjince that considerin the large num- 
 ber of putty gals present I was more fraid of a dawter 
 stroke. This was impromptoo, and seemed to amoose them 
 very much.] 
 
 Feller Citizens, — I hain't got time to notis the growth of 
 Ameriky frum the time when the Mayflowers cum over in the 
 Pilgrim and brawt Plymmuth .Bock with him, but every skool. 
 
124 FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 
 
 boy nose our kareer has bin tremenjis. You will excuse me if 
 I don't prase the erly settlers of the Kolonies. Peple which 
 hung idiotic old wimin for witches, burnt holes in Quakers' 
 tongues and consined their feller critters to the tredmill and 
 pillery on the slitest provocashun may have bin very nice folks 
 in their way, but I must confess I don't admire their stile, and 
 will pass them by. I spose they ment well, and so, in the 
 novel and techin langwidge of the nusepapers, " peas to their 
 ashis." Thare was no diskount, however, on them brave men 
 who fit, bled and died in the American Revolushun. We 
 needn't be afraid of setting 'em up two steep. Like my show, 
 they will stand any amount of prase. G. Washington was 
 abowt the best man this world ever sot eyes on. He was a 
 clear-heded, warm-harted, and stiddy goin man. He never 
 slopt over ! The prevailin weakness of most public men is to 
 SLOP OVER ! [Put them words in large letters.— A. W.] 
 They git filled up and slop. They Rush Things. They travel 
 too much on the high presher principle. They git on to the 
 fust poplar hobby-hoss whitch trots along, not carin a sent 
 whether the beest is even goin, clear sited and sound or 
 spavined, blind and bawky. Of course they git throwed 
 eventooually, if not sooner. When they see the multitood goin 
 it blind they go Pel Mel with it, instid of exertin theirselves 
 to set it right. They can't see that the crowd which is now 
 bearin them triumfuntly on its shoulders will soon diskiver its 
 error and cast them into the hoss pond of Oblivyun, without 
 the slitest hesitashun. Washington never slopt over. That 
 wasn't George's stile. He luved his country dearly. He 
 wasn't after the spiles. He was a human angil in a 3 kornerd 
 hat and knee britches, and we shan't see his like right away. 
 My frends, we can't all be Washington's, but we kin all be 
 patrits and behave ourselves in a human and a Christian man- 
 ner. When we see a brother goin down hill to Ruin, let us 
 not give him a push, but let us seeze rite hold of his coat-tails 
 and draw him back to Morality. 
 
FOURTH OF JULY ORATION. 125 
 
 Imagine G. Washington and P. Henry in the character of 
 seseshers ! As well fancy John Bunyan and Dr Watts in 
 spangled tites, doin the trapeze in a one-horse circus ! 
 
 I tell you, feller-citizens, it would have bin ten dollars in 
 Jeff Davis's pocket if he 'd never bin born ! 
 
 Be shure and vote at leest once at all elecshuns. Buckle on 
 yer Armer and go to the Poles. See two it that your naber is 
 there. See that the kripples air provided with carriages. Go 
 to the poles and stay all day. Bewair of the infamous lise 
 whitch the Opposishun will be sartin to git up fur perlitical 
 effek on the eve of eleckshun. To the poles' ! and when you 
 git there vote jest as you darn please. This is a privilege we 
 all persess, and it is 1 of the booties of this grate and free 
 land. 
 
 I see mutch to, admire in New Englan. Your gals in par- 
 ticklar air abowt as snug bilt peaces of Calliker as I ever saw. 
 They air fully equal to the corn fed gals of Ohio and Injianny, 
 and will make the bestest kind of wives. It sets my Buzzum 
 on fire to look at 'em. 
 
 Be still, my sole, be still, 
 
 & you, Hart, stop cuttin up ! 
 
 I like your skool houses, your meetin houses, your enterprise, 
 gumpshun, &c, but your favorit Bevridge I disgust. I allude 
 to New England Bum. It is wuss nor the korn whisky of 
 Injianny, which eats threw stone jugs & will turn the stummuck 
 of the most shiftliss Hog. I seldom seek consolashun in the 
 flowin Bole, but tother day I wurrid down some of your Bum. 
 The fust glass indused me to sware like a infooriated trooper. 
 On takin the secund glass I was seezed with a desire to break 
 winders, & arter imbibin the third glass I knockt a small boy 
 down, pickt his pocket of a New York Ledger, and wildly 
 commenced readin Sylvanus Kobb's last Tail. Its drefful 
 stuff — a sort of lickwid litenin, gut up under the personal 
 
126 THE WAR FEVER 
 
 supervishun of the devil — tears men's inards all to peaces and 
 makes their noses blossum as the Lobster. Shun it as you 
 would a wild hyeny with a fire brand tied to his tale, and 
 while you air abowt it you will do a first rate thing for your- 
 self and everybody abowt you by shunnin all kinds of 
 intoxicatin .lickers. You don't need 'em no more 'n a cat needs 
 2 tales, sayin nothin abowt the trubble and sufferin they cawse. 
 But unless your inards air cast iron, avoid New Englan's 
 favorite Bevrige. 
 
 My friends, I 'm dun. I tear myself away from you with 
 tears in my eyes & a pleasant oder of Onyins abowt my close. 
 In the langwidge of Mister Catterline to the Rummuns, I go, 
 but perhaps I shall cum back agin. Adoo, peple of Wethers- 
 field. Be virtoous & you '11 be happy ! 
 
 THE WAR FEVER IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 As soon as I 'd recooperated my physikil system, I went 
 over into the village. The peasantry was glad to see me. The 
 skoolmaster sed it was cheerin to see that gigantic intelleck 
 among 'em onct more. That 's what he called me. I like the 
 skoolmaster, and allers send him tobacker when I 'm off on a 
 travelin campane. Besides, he is a very sensible man. Such 
 men must be encouraged. 
 
 They don't git news very fast in Baldinsville, as nothin but 
 a plank road runs in there twice a week, and that 's very much 
 out of repair. So my nabers wasn't much posted up in regard 
 to the wars. 'Squire Baxter sed he 'd voted the dimicratic 
 ticket for goin on forty year, and the war was a dam black re- 
 publican lie. Jo. Stackpole, who kills hogs for the 'Squire, 
 and has got a powerful muscle into his arms, sed he 'd bet 5 
 dollars he could lick the Crisis in a fair stand-up fight, if he 
 wouldn't draw, a knife on him. So it went — sum was for war, 
 
IN BALDINSV1LLE. 127 
 
 and sum was for peace. The skoolmaster, however, sed the 
 Slave Oligarky must cower at the feet of the North ere a year 
 hed flowed hy, or pass over his dead corpse. " Esto per- 
 petua ! " he added. " And sine qua non also ! " sed I, sternly, 
 wishin to make a impression onto the villagers. " Bequiescat 
 in pace ! " sed the schoolmaster. " Too troo, too troo ! " I 
 anserd, " it 's a scanderlus fact ! " 
 
 The newspapers got along at last, chock full of war, ancl the 
 patriotic fever fairly bust out in Baldinsville. 'Squire Baxter 
 sed he didn't b'lieve in Coercion, not one of 'em, and could 
 prove by a file of Eagles of Liberty in his garrit, that it was all 
 a Whig lie, got up to raise the price of whisky and destroy 
 our other liberties. But the old 'Squire got putty riley, when 
 he heard how the rebels was cuttin up, and he sed he reckoned 
 he should skour up his old muskit and do a little square fitin 
 for the Old Flag, which had allers bin on the ticket he 'd voted, 
 and he was too old to Bolt now. The 'Squire is all right at 
 heart, but it takes longer for him to fill his venerable Biler 
 with steam than it used to when he was young and frisky. 
 As I previously informed you, I am Captin of the Baldinsville 
 Company. I riz gradooally but majesticly from drummer's 
 Secretary to my present position. But I found the ranks 
 wasn't full by no means, and commenced for to recroot. 
 Havin notist a gineral desire on the part of young men who 
 are into the Crisis to wear eppylits, I determined to have my 
 company composed excloosively of offissers, everybody to rank 
 as Brigadeer-Ginral. The follerin was among the varis ques- 
 tions which I put to recroots : — 
 
 Do you know a masked battery from a hunk of ginger- 
 bread ? 
 
 Do you know a eppylit from a piece of chalk 1 
 
 If I trust you with a real gun, how many men of your own 
 company do you speck you can manage to kill durin the war ? 
 
 Hav you ever heard of Ginral Price of Missouri, and can 
 you avoid simler accidents in case of a battle ? 
 
128 THE WAR FEVER IN BALD1NSVILLE. 
 
 Hav you ever had the measles, and if so, how many t 
 
 How air you now 1 
 
 Show me your tongue, &c, &c. Sum of the questions was 
 sarcusstical. 
 
 The company filled up rapid, and last Sunday we went to 
 the meetin house in full uniform. I had a sens time gittin 
 into my military harness, as it was bilt for me many years 
 ago ; but I finally got inside of it, tho' it fitted me putty clost. 
 Howsever, onct into it, I lookt fine — in fact, aw-inspirin. " Do 
 you know me, Mrs Ward ? " sed I, walkin into the kitchin. 
 
 " Know you, you old fool? Of course I do." 
 
 I saw at once she did. 
 
 I started for the meetin house, and I 'm afraid I tried to 
 walk too strate, for I cum very near fallin over backards ; and 
 in attemptin to recover myself, my sword got mixed up with 
 my legs, and I fell in among a choice collection of young 
 ladies who was standin near the church door a-seein the sojer 
 boys come up. My cockt hat fell off, and sumhow my coat 
 tales got twisted round my neck. The young ladies put their 
 handkerchers to their mouths and remarked, " Te he," while 
 my ancient female single friend, Sary Peasley, bust out into a 
 loud larf. She exercised her mouth so vilently that her new 
 false teeth fell out onto the ground. 
 
 " Miss Peasley," sed I, gittin up and dustin myself, " you 
 must be more careful with them store teeth of your'n or you '11 
 have to gum it agin ! " 
 
 Methinks I had her. 
 
 I 'd bin to work hard all the week, and I felt rather snoozy. 
 . I'm 'fraid I did git half asleep, for on hearin the minister ask, 
 " Why was man made to mourn 1 " I sed, " I giv it up," havin 
 a vague idee that it was a condrum. It was a onfortnit remark, 
 for the whole meetin house lookt at me with mingled surprise 
 and indignation. I was about risin to a pint of order, when 
 it suddenly occurd to me whare I was, and I kept my seat, 
 blushin like the red, red rose — so to speak. 
 
INTERVIEW WITH PRINCE NAPOLEON. 129 
 
 The next morning I 'rose with the lark. (N.B. — I don't sleep 
 -with the lark, tho\ A goak.) 
 
 My little dawter was execootin ballids, accompanyin her- 
 self with the Akordeon, and she wisht me to linger and hear 
 her sing " Hark I hear a angel singin, a angel now is onto 
 the wing." 
 
 " Let him fly, my child ! " said I, a-bucklin on my armer ; 
 " I must forth to my Biz." 
 
 We air progressin pretty well with our drill. As, all air 
 commandin offissers, there ain't no jelusy ; and as we air all 
 exceedin smart, it faint worth while to try to outstrip each 
 other. The idee of a company composed excloosively of Com- 
 manders-in-Chiefs, orriggernated, I spose I skurcely need say, 
 in these Brane. Considered as a idee, I flatter myself it is 
 putty hefty. We 've got all the tackticks at our tongs' ends, 
 but what we particly excel in is restin muskits. We can 
 rest muskits with anybody. 
 
 Our corpse will do its dooty. We go to the aid of Columby 
 — we fight for the stars ! 
 
 We '11 be chopt into sassige meat before we '11 exhibit our 
 coat-tales to the foe. 
 
 We '11 fight till there 's nothin left of us but our little toes, 
 and even they shall defiantly wiggle ! — " Ever of thee," 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 INTERVIEW WITH THE PRINCE NAPOLEON. 
 
 Notwithstandin I haint writ much for the papers of late, 
 nobody needn't flatter theirselves that the undersined is ded. 
 On the contry, "I still live," which words was spoken by 
 Danyil Webster, who was a able man. Even the old-line 
 whigs of Boston will admit that. Webster is ded now, hows- 
 ever, and his mantle has probly fallen into the hands of sum 
 dealer in 2nd hand close, who can't sell it. Leastways no- 
 
 1 
 
130 * INTERVIEW WITH THE 
 
 body pears to be goin round wearin it to any perticler- extent, 
 now days. The rigiment of whom I was kurnel, finerly con- 
 cluded they was better adapted as Home Gards, which accounts 
 for your not hearin of me, ear this, where the bauls is. the 
 thickest and where the cannon doth roar. But as a American 
 citizen I shall never cease to admire the masterly advance our 
 troops made on Washington from Bull Run, a short time ago. 
 It was well dun. I spoke to my wife 'bout it at the time. My 
 wife sed it was well dun. 
 
 It havin there4 bin detarmined to pertect Baldinsville at all 
 hazzuds, and as there was no apprehensions of any immejit 
 danger, I thought I would go orf onto a pleasure tower. 
 Accordinly I put on a clean Biled Shirt and started for Wash- 
 inton. I went there to see the Prints Napoleon, and not to 
 see the place, which I will here take occasion to obsarve is 
 about as uninterestin a locality as there is this side of J. Davis's 
 future home, if he ever does die, and where I reckon they'll 
 make it so warm for him that he will si for his summer close. 
 It is easy enough to see why a man goes to the poor house or 
 the penitentiary. It 's becawz he can't help it. But why he 
 should woluntarily go and live in Washinton, is intirely beyond 
 my comprehension, and I can't say no fairer nor that. 
 
 I put up to a leadin hStel. I saw the landlord and scd, 
 "How d'ye do, Square?"* 
 
 "Fifty cents, sir," was his reply. 
 
 "Sir?" 
 
 " Half-a-dollar. We charge twenty-five cents for lookin at 
 the landlord and fifty cents for speakin to him. If you want 
 supper, a boy will show you to the dinin room for twenty-five 
 cents. Your room bein in the tenth story, it will cost you a 
 dollar to be shown up there." 
 
 " How much do ax a man for breathin in this equinomikal 
 tarvun ? " sed I. 
 
 " Ten cents a Breth," was his reply. 
 * See foot-note, p. 54. 
 
PRINCE NAPOLEON. i 3I 
 
 "Washinton hotels is very reasonable in their charges. [N.B. 
 — This is Sarkassum.] 
 
 I sent up my keerd to the Prints, and was immejitly ushered 
 before him. He received me kindly, and axed me to sit down. 
 
 " I hav cum to pay my respecks to you, Mister Napoleon, 
 hopin I see you hale and harty." 
 
 " I am quite well," he sed. " Air you well, sir i " 
 
 " Sound as a cuss ! " I answerd. 
 
 He seemed to be pleased with my ways, and we entered into 
 conversation to onct. 
 
 " How 's Lewis 1 " I axed, and he sed the Emperor was well. 
 Eugeny was likewise well, he sed. Then I axed him was 
 Lewis a good provider ? did he cum home arly nites ] did he 
 perfoom her bedroom at a onseasonable hour with gin and 
 tanzy 1 * did he go to "the Lodge" on nites when there wasn't 
 any Lodge? did he often hav to go down town to meet a 
 friend 1 did he hav a extensiv acquaintance among poor young 
 widders whose husbands was in Californy 1 — to all of which 
 questions the Prints perlitely replide, givin me to understan 
 that the Emperor was behavin well. 
 
 "I ax these questions, my royal duke and most noble hig- 
 ness and imperials, becaws I 'm anxious to know how he 
 stands as a man. I know he's smart. He is cunnin, he is 
 long-heded, he is deep — he is grate. But onless he is good 
 he'll come down with a crash one of these days, and the 
 Bonyparts will be Bustid up agin. Bet yer life ! " 
 
 " Air you a preacher, sir 1 " he inquired, slitely sarkasticul. 
 
 " No, sir. But I bleeve in morality. I likewise bleeve in 
 Meetin Houses. Show me a place where there isn't any Meetin 
 Houses and where preachers is neVer seen, and I '11 show you 
 a place where old hats air stuffed into broken winders, where 
 the children air dirty and ragged, where gates have no hinges, 
 where the wimin are slipshod, and where maps of the devil's 
 
 * The bitters sold in most American bar-rooms, frequently taken with 
 raw spirits as a eorreetive. 
 
i 3 2 INTERVIEW WITH THE 
 
 " wild land " air painted upon men's sliirt-bosums with tobacco- 
 jooce! That's what I'll show you. Let us consider what 
 the preachers do for us before we aboose 'em." 
 
 He sed he didn't mean to aboose the clergy, not at all, and 
 he was happy tp see that I was interested in the Bonypart 
 family. 
 
 " It 's a grate family," sed I. " But they scooped the old 
 man in.'' 
 
 "How, sir !" 
 
 "Napoleon the Grand. The Britishers scooped him at 
 Waterloo. He wanted to do too much, and he did it ! They 
 scooped him in at Waterloo, and he subsekently died at St 
 Heleny! There's where the gratest milingtary man this 
 world ever projuced pegged out. It was rather hard to con- 
 sine such a man as him to St Heleny, to spend his larst days 
 in catchin mackeril, and walking up and down the dreary 
 beach in milingtary cloak drawn titely round him (see picter- 
 books), but so it was. ' Hed of the Army ! ' Them was his 
 larst words. So he had bin. He was grate ! Don't I wish we 
 had a pair of his old boots to- command sum of our Brigades ! " 
 
 This pleased Jerome, and he took me warmly by the hand. 
 
 " Alexander the Grate was punkins," * I continnered, " but 
 Napoleon was punkinser ! Alic. wept becaws there was no 
 more worlds to scoop, and then took to drinkin. He drowndid 
 his sorrers in the flowin bole, and the flowing bole was too 
 much for him. It ginerally is. He undertook to give a snake 
 exhibition in his boots, but it killed him. That was a bad 
 joke on Alic ! " 
 
 " Since you air so solicitous about France and the Emperor, 
 may I ask you how your own country is getting along 1 " sed 
 Jerome, in a pleasant voice. 
 
 " It's mixed," I sed. " But I think we shall cum out all 
 right.'' , 
 
 * Some pumpkins, an American expression of praise or congratulation, 
 used in opposition to the equally elegant phrase " small potatoes." 
 
PRINCE NAPOLEON. 133 
 
 " Columbus, when he diskivered this magnificent continent, 
 could hav had no idee of the grandeur it would one day 
 assoom," sed the Prints. 
 
 " It cost Columbus twenty thousand dollars to fit out his 
 explorin expedition," sed I. " If he had bin a sensible man 
 he 'd hav put the money in a hoss railroad or a gas company, 
 and left this magnificent continent to intelligent savages, who 
 when they got hold of a good thing knew enuff to keep it, 
 and who wouldn't have seceded, nor rebelled, nor knockt 
 Liberty in the hed with a slungshot. Columbus wasn't much 
 of a feller, after all. It would hav bin money in my pocket 
 if he'd staid to home. Chris, ment well, but he put his foot 
 in it when he saled for America." 
 
 We talked sum more about matters and things, and at larst 
 I riz to go. " I will now say good bye to you, noble sir, and 
 good luck to you. Likewise the same to Clotildy. Also to 
 the gorgeous persons which compose your soot. If the 
 Emperor's boy don't like livin at the Tooleries, when he gits 
 older, and would like to imbark in the show bizness, let him 
 come with me and I'll make a man of him. You find us 
 sumwhat mixed, as I before obsarved, but come again next 
 year and you'll find us clearer nor ever. The American 
 Eagle has lived too sumptuously of late — his stummic becum 
 foul, and he 's takin a slite emetic. That 's all. We 're gettin 
 ready to strik a big blow and a sure one. When we do 
 strike the fur will fly and secession will be in the hands of 
 the undertaker, sheeted for so deep a grave that nothin short 
 of Gabriel's trombone will ever awaken it ! Mind what I say. 
 You 've heard the showman ! " 
 
 Then advisin him to keep away from the Peter Funk * 
 
 * At the petty auctions a person is employed to bid on articles put up 
 for Bale in order to raise their price. In America such a person is called 
 a Peter Funk ; probably from such a fictitious name having frequently 
 been given when articles were bought in. In this country the whole tribe 
 of seedy attendants at mock auctions are termed dvffers. Sixty years ago 
 they were called puffers. 
 
134 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. 
 
 auctions of the East, and the proprietors of corner-lots in the 
 West, I bid him farewell, and went away. 
 
 There was a levee at Senator What's-his-name's, and I 
 thought I 'd jine in the festivities for a spell. Who should I 
 see but she that was Sarah Watkins, now the wife of our Con- 
 gressor, trippin in the dance, dressed up to kill in her store 
 close. Sarah's father use to keep a little grosery store in our 
 town, and she used to clerk it for him in busy times. I was 
 rushin up to shake hands with her when she turned on her 
 heel, and tossin her hed in a contemptooious manner, walked 
 away from me very rapid. '" Hallo, Sal," I hollered, " can't 
 you measure me a quart of them best melasses 1 I may want 
 a codfish, also ! " I guess this reminded her of the little red 
 store, and " the days of her happy childhood.'' 
 
 But I fell in with a nice little gal after that, who was much 
 sweeter than Sally's father's melasses, and I axed her if we 
 shouldn't glide in the messy dance. She sed we should, and 
 we G-lode. 
 
 I intended to make this letter very seris, but a few goaks 
 may have accidentally crept in. Never mind. Besides, I 
 think it improves a komick paper to publish a goak once in a 
 while. — Yours Muchly, 
 
 WARD (Artemus). 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. 
 
 [A short time since a letter appeared in a New York journal, professing 
 to be from u, brother of Artemus "Ward. There were some persons who 
 looked upon the communication as actually coming from Artemus's pen 
 and treated the fresh signature as a piece of humour on the part of the 
 author ; but in Mr Ward's " Letter from Eiohmond " (see Artemus Ward, 
 His Travels, <Scc, p. 155), he thus denounces the fictitious Olonzo :— 
 
 "Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol, I desire to 
 cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat in the papers from a 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. 135 
 
 certin purson who singes hisself Olonzo Ward & sez he is my berruther.* 
 I did once hav a berruther of that name, but I do not recugnise him now. 
 To me he is wuss than ded ! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago 
 and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my Show. How 
 did he repay me for this kindness ? He basely undertook (one day while 
 in a Backynalian mood on rum & right in sight of the aujience in the 
 tent) to stand upon his hed, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of 
 his boots & his Beard fallin off his face, thus rooinin my prospecks in that 
 town, & likewise incurrin the seris displeasure of the Press, which sed 
 boldly I was triflin with the feelins of a intelligent public. I know no 
 such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not ever wish his name breathed in my 
 presents. I do not recognise him. I perfectly disgust him." 
 
 The New York journal in question introduced Olonzo's letter with these 
 remarks : — 
 
 "The following quaint letter, from a gentleman who professes to be 
 the brother of the celebrated Artemus Ward, reached us the other day, 
 by regular mail, and we give it because it embraces so much of the special 
 kind of humour for which Artemus is so renowned. The whole family 
 seems to be labouring under a very bad ' spell,' which is a disorder that 
 in their case, however, seems to operate as disease does upon certain 
 oysters, in producing a pearl where we might only expect putridity :" — ] 
 
 Shecargo, March 11, 1865. 
 
 TO THEE EdYTTJR OF THE SUNDAY TIMES, KY. 
 
 4 yeres ago, wile in indianopelers, injynia, I rote to Mr 
 Prentiss, of the Looseville Jurnil,t regarding thee wareabouts 
 of my berother, Artymus Ward, off hoom i have not heered 
 sints he was a boi 
 
 " And we romed the fields together," 
 
 happe as a Maekeral in Kashmeer Sox. There was four off us 
 berothers, all bois. Thee follerin is a pedagog off our family. 
 Our parents, off which there was 2, consisted of our father and 
 mother, namely, 
 
 Banner and Erysipelars Ward. The latter (my father) 
 
 *" Two or three scamps in the United States have endeavoured to pass 
 themselves off as brothers of Artemus Ward. He has no brothers living. . 
 
 + Mr Prentice, editor of the Louisville Journal, was one of the wittiest 
 men connected with the press of the United States. 
 
i 3 6 ARTEMUS WARD'S BROTHER. 
 
 was given heavily to Plugg tobacker, of which he chawed 
 incessantly, though Biled Bacon done rair was his best hold. 
 He was a man that could not go long between drinks; the 
 kamil did not perdominate in him ; and Heving took him at 
 the age of sicksty, after 2 dais cikness. The following is 
 applicable to his case : . 
 
 " Oakum ! Oakum ! with me." — S. Speare. 
 
 After the old man's deth our mother was left with the 4= 
 bois aforesaid, whizz, namely, i.e. : 
 
 Eeysipelaks (named after father) ; 
 
 Artymis (the Long Lost) ; 
 
 Bodney ; and Myself, 
 
 Olonzo (named after olonzo of pizarronean celebrity). 
 
 My eldest berother, Ery, went into the Wool bizziness, while 
 Bodney went out to Origgone territtery and M-barked into 
 the Fur trade. Ery did poorly at the "Wool and busted, but 
 Bodney is still at the Fur coining money. 
 
 Artymis, at the tender age of eleving, was suddenly misst 
 from hoam. In this konnexshin I would remark an old stockin 
 belongin to mother, containing fore dollers in Cilver and fifty 
 too sents in Kopper, disappeered about the same time. There 
 was a party of akrowbats, of dubble somerset proklivitys, in 
 our naburhood a few dais preevis, and by many it was supposed 
 Arty had been inviggled 
 
 " To leve his ga and happi hoam 
 Sands eyes, sands teeth brushes, 
 Sands pale ale. 
 The worrold is all a stage, 
 The rest is lemon and vanilla."— Jack spear. 
 
 At all evinks I have never heern of him but once, i.e., when 
 I rote to Mr Prentiss, who did not ancer mi letter, he being 
 engaged in translatin a French letter sent him by Miss Soosan 
 Monday, a noted goriller of the femail gander. Off her more 
 hereafter ; but Ravenous on our mutton, as the French have it. 
 I heerd that mi berother, A. Ward, had becum ritch, he having 
 
BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED. 137 
 
 been to Salt Lick Citty, among the Mormen and women (he 
 was alius given to the latter, even from a child), and that 
 moreover and above, he had got a sho of wacks figgers, and 
 nevertheless was perfeckly decayed with money — in which 
 event I would remind him 
 
 " I still live."— Webb. 
 And as his absents cost me many teers (I carried aul the 
 water and chopt aul the wood for two yeres after his leving 
 us), and as I am his ony curviving berother in poor suckem- 
 stances (Ery being ritch and Rodney when last heard from 
 was in a big contrack for furnishing phine-toothed kombs for 
 the confederut army, with his hed quarters at Richmund), 
 therefore I do think Arty might come and see me. He is ever 
 welkome to mi poor but happi hoam. Owe, owe berother ! if 
 this shood meat your i, think kindly off one who loves not 
 wisely but too well ; but owe, owe deer Artymus ! do not try 
 to shake me. 
 
 Olonzo Ward. 
 
 Deer berother, don't ! don't ! ! go back onto me. O. W. 
 " Why do I weep 4 thee 1 " 0. W. 
 
 BETSY-JAIN RE-ORGUNIZED.* 
 
 I never attempted to re-Orgunize my wife but onct. I shall 
 never attempt agin. 
 
 I 'd bin to a public dinner, and had allowed myself to be 
 beTrayed inter drinkin several peple's healths; and wishin 
 to maik 'em as Ro-Bust as posserble, I continner'd drinkin 
 thur healths until mi Own becum afflicktid. Consekens was, 
 I presunted myself at Betty's bedside late at nite, with con- 
 siderbul licker koncealed about my persun. 
 
 * See Artemus Ward's Letter to the Prince of Wales on the occasion of 
 his marriage, p. 163, "Artemus Ward, His Travels among the Mormons." 
 
i 3 8 BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES. 
 
 I ted somehow gut perseschun of a hosswhip on my way 
 hum, and rememberin some kranky observashuns of Mrs 
 Ward's in the mornin, I snapt the whip putty lively, and in a 
 very loud voyce I said, " Betsy, you need re-Orgunizin ! I 
 have cum, Betsy," I continnered, crackin the whip over the 
 bed — " I have cum to re-Orgunize yer I Ha-ave you per-ayed 
 to-night 1 " 
 
 I dreamed that nite that sumbody had layd a hosswhip 
 over me sevril conseckootive times, and when I woke up I 
 found she had. 
 
 I haint drunk mich of any thin sencei and ef I ever have 
 anuther re-Orgunizin job on hand I shall let it out. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG'S WIVES* 
 
 Frends and Feller Passingers, — I'm e'en a most tiard ov 
 statin my convicshuns regarden them Mormoness plooralyties, 
 which sits theirselves round Mister Yung's grate table when 
 the dinner-bell booms merryly thruout the long and short ov 
 this ere land. 
 
 Heavy figgerin isn't my berthrite ; it's the nobil contem- 
 plativ what's the pecoolar offshute of these massiv brane. 
 
 " But how many wives has he 1" 
 
 Wall, all A: W. nose abowt it is thet his luvly contemplativ 
 wun day used up the MulteplyKashun tabul in kountin the 
 long Stockins on a close line in Brigham's back yard— and he 
 soddingly had to leave, fer the site made him dizzy. It was 
 too mutch for him. — Yures abstractid, 
 
 WAETEMUS DAED. 
 
 * The circumstances connected with this little incident are narrated at 
 length in Mr Ward's " Travels among the Mormons," recently published by 
 Mr Hotten. 
 
A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA. 139 
 
 TAVERN ACCOMMODATION. 
 
 Aetemus Ward, narrates that travelling with his show out 
 West, he one night put up at a tavern where all the beds had 
 been previously bespoke. 
 
 He finally got accommodation in the back yard under a hay- 
 cart, and he says he would have got on very comfortably, but 
 the unfeeling hired man came in the early morn, hitched a 
 horse up, and drove off with the bed-clothes ! 
 
 The covering was snatched away so suddenly, Artemus says, 
 it gave him a bad " kold" — and a very lively illustration of the 
 sleeping accommodation in that part of the world. 
 
 A. WARD'S FIRST UMBRELLA. 
 
 [A friend of Artemua Ward's sends the following, with the request that 
 it may be included in the present edition.] 
 
 The solumncholies hev bin on-to A. W. now and agin, as it 
 dus tu most ov the. four-lorned human naturs in this Vayl of 
 Tares. She's tickled me considerabull sumtims — only it was 
 the wrong wa. Most human naturs git tickled the wrong wa 
 sumtims. 
 
 She was heviest onter me the fust yeer I ever owned a 
 TJmbrellar. I was going on 1 8 yeer old then, and praid for 
 rane as bad as any dride-up farmer. I wantid tu show that 
 umBrellar — I wantid tu mak sum persnul apeerents with that 
 brellar — I desirud Jim parker and Hiram Goss to witness the 
 site — I felt my berthWrite was bowned up in that brellar — I 
 wantid to be a man ! 
 
 I'd un-hook'd frum Betsy Jain fur a spell — (confidenshal, 
 leastways, I hadn't commenced cortin up to her rite down in 
 ernest then) — and kum evenin I went over to the Widder 
 Blakes. I'd the umBrellar along, and opun'd it outside the 
 
HO " THE BABES IN THE WOOD? 
 
 door — pretendin I couldn't klose it like, so that the dawter 
 could hev a good Luke at my property. But it wuz no use ; 
 the new Brellar didn't take, and Sally sed she thort I " needn't 
 cum agin !" 
 
 I hev bin many wheres, and seen sum few in this erthly 
 Tavernknuckle, but ov all the solum hours I ever speeriunsed 
 the 1 ockepied in going hum that partickler nite frum the 
 Widders was the most solumm. 
 
 I'd a mind to throw awa that Brellar more 'n onct as I 
 went along. 
 
 AN AFFECTING POEM. 
 
 " Poor Jonathan Snow 
 Away did go 
 All On the ragen mane, 
 "With other males, 
 All for to ketch wales, 
 & nere come back agen. 
 The wind bloo high, 
 The billers tost, 
 All hands were lost, 
 And he was one, 
 A spritely lad, 
 Nigh 21." 
 
 "THE BABES IN THE WOOD." 
 
 [The following amusing critique or report of Artemus Ward's favourite 
 lecture, entitled " The Babe3 in the Wood," was written the day after its 
 i first delivery in San Francisco, California, by one of the contributors to the 
 Golden Era. As an imitation of A. Ward's burlesque orthography it is 
 somewhat overdone ; but it has, nevertheless, certain touches of humour 
 which will amuse the English reader. Why the lecture is called " The Babes 
 in the Wood" is not known, unless it is because they are Wards.— Ed.] 
 
" THE BABES IN THE WOOD." 141 
 
 Nite befoar larst was an Erer in the annals of Sand Francisco ; 
 yis, an Erer ; I sa it, and I guess I know what a Erer is ! I 
 gess I do ! It's something like this noosepaper, for instance ; 
 something that's gut a big Injin onto it ; though the Big Injin 
 Fryday Nite had his close on, which this moril Jernal's Injin 
 hasn't, bein intended to represent that nobil read man of the 
 forrist, of hoom the poet sweetly sings : 
 
 " Low, the poor Injin ! boose untootered mind 
 Clothes him in frunt — Butt leaves him bare behind ! " 
 
 However, let that parse. 
 
 I hearn thare was to be a show up to Mr Piatt's Haul on 
 the occashun allewded to ; so I took Maria An an' the children 
 — with the excepshun of the smollest wun, which, under the 
 inflewence of tired Nachure's sweet restorer, Missis Winslowls 
 Soothin Syrup, was rapped in barmy slumbers — up to prayer- 
 meetin ; and after havin excoosed myself to the pardner of 
 my boosom, on the plee of havin swallered a boks of Bristol's 
 Sugar-Coated Pills, I slipt out and went down to the Haul, 
 thinkin I would have a little relaxation. Prubably Mariar 
 An thought so too. (That are a double entender, but I didn't 
 intend it.) Although I arrove quite airly, I found a few indi- 
 vidooals — I mean to sal found but few who ware not — already 
 in the Haul. I would not on no account whatsumdever, no 
 how you can fix it, deceeve nobody nor nothin', for I am a 
 pieus man, and send my wife to church, and addhere to the 
 trooth ; and yit, I ventoor to assurt, that I never in all my 
 born dase beheld so menny fokes befoar — stop, I er slitely — I 
 had a seat in the rear. 
 
 It seemed as tho the hole populashun had turned out en 
 massy to welcum the gratist wit of his age. — He is older 
 than me. 
 
 The curtin roze — no, I do not desire to misrepresent fax — 
 there was no curtin — I think thare should have bin ! 
 
 The lectoor commenced at a few minutes past ate— pre- 
 
142 " THE BABES IN THE WOOD." 
 
 cisely. The gay and gifted Artemus stepped to his place, and 
 after acknowledging my presence by a polite bow, proceeded 
 to define the platform on which he stood — Oregon pine. The 
 papers, with thare usuil fidelity to fax, had stated that the 
 entertainment would consist only of a lectoor, & that the^ 
 kangaroo & wax-figgers would not be introdooced — " dooced 
 queer," thinks I, and I soon discovered the telegram ; for Mr 
 Ward used a number of figgers — of speech. 
 
 Thare ware also severeil animils thare, thare was, tho I 
 don't know whether they belonged to him, as they was scat- 
 tered thro the ordgunce, and was boysterous to a degre — yis, 
 two degrese. 
 
 Some of the funniest of the fundymentall principles of the 
 lectoor escaped me — rather I escaped them — partly owin to 
 the fokes squeeging in at the dore, and partly owin to a pretty 
 but frail gurl wayin all the way from 200 up to 250 lbs. 
 avoirdoopois, which sot herself rite onto my lap. 
 
 Mr Ward statid that he would not give a fillosofiical lectoor 
 — nor an astronomical lectoor — nor — did he say what kind of 
 lectoor he would give. The subjec was, however, the " Babes 
 in the Wood." He has had the Babes in the Wood sum time. 
 Mr Ward is not rich— but is doin — as well as could be expected. 
 
 It is one of the lectoors you read about, you know — here. 
 Yis, I sa it's a great moril lectoor ; I sa it boldly, because I've 
 heerd — of it. 
 
 The structoor,of the lectoor was as they sa in architectoor 
 of the compost like ordoor ; first a stratter of this, then a 
 stratter of that ; that is to sa — kinder mixed, you know. It 
 was on the aneckdotale plan, and speakin of aneckdotes 
 reminds me of a little story — it is wun of Mr Ward's, by the 
 way ; it will bare repitition — it has, so far, stood it very well. 
 It is of a young made, hoose name it was Mehitabull — some of 
 it, at least — enuff— for the present porpussus — and of a nobil 
 and galyunt lovyier, which his naim it was John Jones. This 
 young man was a patrut, tho oppoged to coershun. The 
 
" THE BABES IN THE WOOD:' 143 
 
 enrolin officer going his rounds was beheld by this young man 
 wile yit he was afar off, the site was not a welcum wun to 
 John; and it propelled him to seek proteckshun of his plited 
 wun, in hoose hous he was at that critical moment. Time was 
 preshus. What was too be dun ? The enemy was now neer at 
 hand. " Git under my hoops," sez Mehitabull. The heroick 
 youth obade. 
 
 After a pause the offisser hentered the manshun. 
 
 " Is thare any men in this 'ere hous 1" sez he. 
 
 " Not as I nose — on," replied the damsell. 
 
 " Then," sez the offisser, " I gess I '11 stop awhile myself." 
 
 He stopped a our. After witch he stopped anuther our ; 
 after witch he continuood to stop. 
 
 During this time John Jones was garspin for breath. At 
 last he felt he cood endoor it no longer, without — ingoory to 
 his helth. He put his hed.out of his strong hold and sed to 
 the amazed offisser, " I think the draft will doo me good — I 
 mean the draft of are." 
 
 " You air — in favor of the Proclamashun V sed the offisser. 
 
 " Yis, and of ventilation." 
 
 The young man was not drafted, but he is still single — 
 single-ar to say. 
 
 The abov is a correct report of the story as I heern it — I 
 only heern the naims, fansy has supplide the rest. 
 
 P.S. — I larfed all the wa home ; observin witch severil 
 peple gave me the hole walk, evidently taking me for a 
 hilarious loonatic. 
 
 A. Ward will shortly lecshoor on Asstronmy, I heer, par- 
 tickly upon .the Konstlashun ov the Suthern Cross, which he 
 pertends he has found out to be a Mulatto. 
 
144 MORMON BILL OF FARE. 
 
 MORMON BILL OF FARE. 
 
 BRIGHAM YOUNG'S HOUSES. 
 
 Brigham's Wives live in these houses. They live well at 
 
 Brigham's, the following being the usual 
 
 BILL OF FARE. 
 
 SOUPS, ETC. 
 
 Matrimonial Stews (with 'pretty Pickles). 
 
 FISH. 
 
 Salt Lake Gudgeon. 
 
 ROAST. 
 
 Brigham's Lambs (Sauce piquante). 
 Minced Heart (Mormon style). 
 
 BROILED. 
 
 Domestic Broils (Family style). 
 
 ENTREES. 
 
 Little Deers. 
 
 COLD. 
 
 Eaw Dog (a la Injun). 
 Tongue (lots of it). 
 
 VEGETABLES. 
 
 Cabbage-head, Some Pumpkins, &c. 
 
 DESSERT. 
 
 Apples of Discord, a great many Pairs, 
 Mormon Sweet-Hearts, Jumbles, &c. 
 
MARION. 145 
 
 MARION. 
 
 A ROMANCE OF THE FRENCH SCHOOL. 
 I. 
 
 , Friday, , 1860. 
 
 On the sad sea shore ! Always to hear the moaning of these 
 dismal waves ! 
 
 Listen. I will tell you my story — my story of love, of 
 misery, of black despair. 
 
 I am a moral Frenchman. 
 
 She whom I adore, whom I adore still, is the, wife of a fat 
 marquis — a lop-eared, blear-eyed, greasy marquis. A man 
 without soul. A man without sentiment, who cares naught 
 for moonlight and music. A low, practical man, who pays his 
 debts. I hate him. 
 
 II. 
 
 She, my soul's delight, my empress, my angel, is superbly 
 beautiful 
 
 I loved her at first sight — devotedly, madly. 
 
 She dashed past me in her cowp&. I saw her but a moment 
 -7— perhaps only an instant— but she took me captive then and 
 there, forevermore. 
 
 Forevermore ! 
 
 I followed her, after that, wherever she went. At length 
 she came to notice, to smile upon me. My motto was en award I 
 That is a French word. I got it out of the back part of Wor- 
 cester's Dictionary. 
 
 in. 
 She wrote me that I might come and see her at her own 
 house. Oh, joy, joy unutterable, to see her at her own house ! 
 I went to see her after nightfall, in the soft moonlight. 
 She came down the gravelled walk to meet me, on this 
 
 K 
 
r i 4 6 MARION. 
 
 beautiful midsummer night— came to me in pure white, her 
 golden hair in splendid disorder — strangely beautiful, yet in 
 tears ! 
 
 She told me her fresh grievances. 
 
 The marquis, always a despot, had latterly misused her 
 most vilely. 
 
 That very morning, at breakfast, he had cursed the iishballs 
 and sneered at the pickled onions. 
 
 She is a good cook. The neighbours will tell you so. And 
 to be told by the base marquis.— a man who, previous to his 
 marriage, had lived at the cheap eating-houses^-to be told by 
 him that her manner of frying fisbballs was a failure — it was 
 too much. 
 
 Her tears fell fast. I, too, wept. I mixed my sobs with 
 her'n. " Fly with me !" I cried. 
 
 Her lips met mine. I held her in my arms. I felt her 
 breath upon my cheek ! It was Hunkey. 
 
 " Fly with me. To New York ! I will write romances for 
 the Sunday papers — real French romances, with morals to 
 them. My style will be appreciated. Shop-girls and young 
 mercantile persons will adore it, and I will amass wealth with 
 my ready pen." 
 
 Ere she could reply — ere she could articulate her ecstasy, 
 her husband, the marquis, crept snake-like upon me. 
 
 Shall I write it 1 He kicked me out of the garden — he 
 .kicked me into the street. 
 
 I did not return. How could I ? I, so ethereal, so full of 
 soul, of sentiment, of sparkling originality ! He, so gross, so 
 practical, so lop-eared ! 
 
 Had I returned, the creature would have kicked me again. 
 
 So I left Paris for this place — this place, so lonely, so dismaL 
 
 Ah me ! 
 
 Oh dear ! 
 
EAST SIDE THE A TRICALS. "147 
 
 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS'. 
 
 The Broadway houses have given the puhlic immense quanti- 
 ties of Central Park, Seven Sisters, Nancy Sykes, and J. Cade. 
 I suppose the Broadway houses have done this chiefly because 
 it has paid them, and so I mean no disrespect when I state 
 that to me the thing became rather stale. I sighed for novelty- 
 A man may stand stewed veal for several years, but banquets 
 consisting exclusively of stewed veal would become uninterest- 
 ing after a century or so. A man would want something else. 
 The least particular man, it seems to me, would desire to have 
 his veal " biled,'' by way of a change. So I, tired of the 
 threadbare pieces at the Broadway houses, went to the East 
 Side for something fresh. I wanted to see some libertines and 
 brigands. I wanted to see some cheerful persons identified with 
 the blacksmith and sewing-machine interests triumph over those 
 libertines and brigands in the most signal manner. I wanted, 
 in short, to see the Downfall of Vice and Triumph of Virtue. 
 That was what ailed me. And so I went to the East Side. 
 
 Poor Jack Scott is gone, and Jo. Kirby dies no more on the 
 East Side. They 've got the blood and things over there, but, 
 alas ! they're deficient in lungs. The tragedians in the Bowery 
 and Chatham Street of to-day don't start the shingles on the 
 roof as their predecessors, now cold and stiff in death, used to 
 when they threw themselves upon their knees at the footlights 
 and roared a red-hot curse after the lord who had carried Susan 
 away, swearing to never more eat nor drink until the lord's 
 vile heart was torn from his body and ther-rown to the dorgs 
 — rattling their knives against the tin lamps and glaring upon 
 the third tier most fearfully the while. 
 
 Glancing at the spot where it is said Senator Benjamin used 
 to vend second-hand clothes, and regretting that he had not 
 continued in that comparatively honourable vocation instead 
 of sinking to his present position — wondering if Jo. Kirby 
 would ever consent, if he were alive, to die wrapped up in a 
 
148 EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 
 
 Secession flag ! — gazing admiringly upon the unostentatious 
 signboard which is suspended in front of the Hon. Izzy 
 Lazarus's tavern — glancing, wondering, and gazing thus, I 
 enter the old Chatham theatre. The pit is full, but people 
 fight shy of the boxes. 
 
 The play is about a servant girl, -who comes to the metro- 
 polis from the agricultural districts in short skirts, speckled 
 hose, and a dashing little white hat, gaily decked with pretty 
 pink ribbons — that being the style of dress invariably worn by 
 servant girls from the interior. She is accompanied by a chaste 
 young man in a short-tailed red coat, who, being very desirous 
 of protecting her from the temptations of a large city, naturally 
 leaves her in the street and goes off somewhere. Servant girl 
 encounters an elderly female, who seems to be a very nice sort 
 of person indeed, but the young man in a short-tailed coat 
 comes in and thrusts the elderly female aside, calling her " a 
 vile hag." This pleases the pit, which is ever true to virtue, 
 and it accordingly cries " Hi ! hi ! hi ! " 
 
 A robber appears. The idea of a robber in times like these 
 is rather absurd. The most adroit robber would eke out a 
 miserable subsistence if he attempted to follow his profession 
 now-a-days. I should prefer to publish a daily paper in 
 Chelsea. Nevertheless, here is a robber. He has been playing 
 poker with his " dupe," but singularly enough the dupe has 
 won all the money. This displeases the robber, and it occurs 
 to him that he will kill the dupe. He accordingly sticks him. 
 The dupe staggers, falls, says " Dearest Eliza ! " and dies. 
 Cries of " Hi ! hi ! hi ! " in the pit, while a, gentleman with a 
 weed on his hat, in the boxes, states that the price of green 
 smelts is five cents a quart. This announcement is not favour- 
 ably received by the pit, several members of which come back 
 at the weeded individual with some advice in regard to liqui- 
 dating a long-standing account for beans and other refresh- 
 ments at an adjacent restaurant. 
 
 The robber is seized with remorse, and says the money which 
 
EAST SIDE THEATRICALS. 149 
 
 he has taken from the dupe's pockets " scorches" him. Robber 
 seeks refuge in a, miser s drawing-room, where he stays for 
 "seven days." There is a long chest full of money and 
 diamonds in the room. The chest is unlocked, but misers very 
 frequently go off and leave long chests full of money unlocked 
 in their drawing-rooms for seven days, and this robber was too 
 much of a gentleman to take advantage of this particular 
 miser's absence. By and by the miser returns, when the robber 
 quietly kills him and chucks him in the chest. " Sleep with 
 your gold, old man!" says the bold robber, as he melodramati- 
 cally retreats — retreats to a cellar, where the- servant girl re- 
 sides. Finds that she was formerly his gal when he resided in 
 the rural districts, and regrets having killed so many persons, 
 for if so be he hadn't he might marry her and settle down, 
 whereas now he can't do it, as he says he is " unhappy." But 
 he gives her a ring — a ring he had stolen from the dupe — and 
 flies. Presently the dupe, who has come to life in a singular 
 but eminently theatrical manner, is brought into the cellar. 
 He discovers the ring upon the servant girl's finger — servant 
 girl states that she is innocent, and the dupe, with the remark 
 that he sees his mother, dies, this time positively without re- 
 serve. Servant girl is taken to Newgate, whither goes the rob- 
 ber and gains admission by informing the turnkey that he is 
 her uncle. Throws off his disguise, and, like a robber bold and 
 gay, says he is the guilty party and will save the servant girl. 
 He drinks a vial of poison, says he sees his mother, and dies to 
 slow fiddling. Servant girl throws herself upon him wildly, 
 and the virtuous young party in a short-tailed coat comes in 
 and assists in the tableau. Eobber tells the servant girl to 
 take the party in the short-tailed coat and be happy, repeats 
 that he sees his mother (they always do), and dies again. 
 Cries of " Hi ! hi ! , hi ! " and the weeded gentleman reiterates 
 the price of green smelts. 
 
 Not a remarkably heavy plot, but quite as bulky as the plots 
 of the Broadway sensation pieces. 
 
ISO SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF. 
 
 SOLILOQUY OF A LOW THIEF. 
 
 My name is Jim Griggins. I'ma low thief. My parients was 
 ignorant folks, and as. poor as the shadder of a bean pole. My 
 advantages for gettin' a eddycation was exceedin' limited. I 
 growed up in the street, quite loose and permiskis, you see, 
 and took to vice because I had nothing else to take to, and be- 
 cause nobody had never given me a sight at virtue. 
 
 I 'm in the penitentiary. I was sent here onct before for 
 priggin' a watch. I served out my time, and now I 'm here 
 agiD, this time for stealin' a few insignificant clothes. 
 
 I shall always blame my parients for not eddycatin' me. 
 Had I been liberally eddycated I could, with my brilliant 
 native talents, have bin a big thief — I b'leeve they call 'em de- 
 faulters. Instead of confinin' myself to priggin' clothes, 
 watches, spoons, and sich like, I could have plundered princely 
 sums — thousands and hundreds of thousands of dollars — and 
 that old humbug, the Law, wouldn't have harmed a hair of 
 my head ! For, you see, I should be smart enough to get 
 elected State Treasurer, or have something to do with Banks 
 or Railroads, and perhaps a little of both. Then, you see, I 
 could ride in my carriage, live in a big house with a free stun 
 frunt,- drive a fast team, and drink as much gin and sugar as 
 I wanted. A inwestigation might be made, and some of the 
 noosepapers might come down on me heavy, but what the 
 
 d 1 would I care about that, havin' previously taken 
 
 precious good care of the stolen money ? Besides, my " party" 
 would swear stout that I was as innersunt as the new-born, 
 babe, and a great many people would wink very pleasant, and 
 say, " Well, Griggins understands what he's 'bout, he does !" 
 
 But havin' no eddycation, I'm only a low thief— a stealer of 
 watches and spoons and sich — a low wretch, anyhow^and the 
 Law puts me through without mercy. 
 
 It's all right, I s'pose, and yet I sometimes think it's wery 
 hard to be shut up here, a wearin' checkered clothes, a livin' 
 
TOUCHING LETTER. i S i 
 
 on cold vittles, a sleepin' on iron beds, a lookin' out upon the 
 world through, iron muskeeter bars, and poundin' stun like a 
 galley slave, day after day, week after week, and year after 
 year, while my brother thieves (for to speak candid, there 's no 
 difference between a thief and a defaulter, except that the 
 latter is forty times wuss), who have stolen thousands of dollars 
 to my one cent, are walkin' out there in the bright sunshine — 
 dressed up to kill, new clothes upon their backs and piles of 
 gold in their pockets ! But the Law don't tech 'em. They 
 are too big game for the Law to shoot at. It 's as much as the 
 Law can do to take care of us ignorant thieves. 
 
 Who said there was no difference 'tween tweedledum and 
 tweedledee 2 He lied in his throat,' like a villain as he was ! 
 I tell ye there 's a tremendous difference. 
 
 Oh that I had been liberally e'ddycated ! 
 
 Jim Griggins. 
 
 Sing-Sing, 1860. 
 
 TOUCHING LETTER FROM A GORY '.MEMBER 
 OF THE HOME 'GUARD. 
 
 Broadway, Dec. 10, '61. 
 Dear Father and Mother, — We are all getting along 
 very well. We mess at Delmonico's. - Do not repine for your 
 son. Some must suffer for the glorious Stars and Stripes, and, 
 dear parents, why shouldn't I? Tell Mrs Skullerthat we do 
 not need the blankets she so kindly sent' to us, as we bunk 
 at the St Nicholas and Metropolitan. What our brave lads 
 stand most in need of now is Fruit Cake and Waffles. Do 
 not weep for me. 
 
 Henry Adolphtjs. 
 
152 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 
 
 SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 
 
 It was customary in many of the inland towns of New Eng- 
 land, some thirty years ago, to celebrate the anniversary of the 
 surrender of Lord Cornwallis by a sham representation of that 
 important event in the history of the Eevolutionary War. A 
 town meeting would be called, at which a company of men 
 would be detailed as British, and a company as Americans — 
 two leading citizens being selected to represent Washington 
 and Cornwallis in the mimic surrender. 
 
 The pleasant little town of W , in whose schools the 
 
 writer has been repeatedly " corrected," upon whose ponds he 
 has often skated ; upon whose richest orchards he has, with 
 other juvenile bandits, many times dashed in the silent mid- 
 night ; the town of W , where it was popularly believed 
 
 these bandits would " come to a bad end," resolved to cele- 
 brate the surrender. Eival towns had celebrated, and W 
 
 determined to eclipse them in the most signal manner. It is 
 my privilege to tell how W succeeded in this determination. 
 
 The great day came. It was ushered in by the roar of 
 musketry, the ringing of the village church bell, the squeaking 
 of fifes, and the rattling of drums. 
 
 People poured into the village from all over the county. 
 
 Never had W experienced such a jam. Never had there 
 
 been such an onslaught upon gingerbread carts. Never had 
 New England rum (for this was before Neal Dow's day) flowed 
 
 so freely. And W 's fair daughters, who mounted the 
 
 house-tops to see the surrender, had never looked fairer. The 
 old folks came, too, and among them were several war-scarred 
 heroes who had fought gallantly at Monmouth and Yorktown. 
 These brave sons of '76 took no part in the demonstration, but 
 an honoured bench was set apart for their exclusive use on the 
 piazza of Sile Smith's store. When they were dry, all they 
 had to do was to sing out to Sile's boy, Jerry, " A leetle New 
 Englan' this way, if you please." It was brought forthwith. 
 
THE SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 153 
 
 At precisely nine o'clock, by the schoolmaster's new " Lepeen" 
 watch, the American and British forces marched on to the 
 village green and placed themselves in battle array, reminding 
 the spectator of the time when 
 
 " Brave Wolfe drew up his men 
 In a style most pretty, 
 On the Plains of Abraham, 
 Before the city." 
 
 The character of Washington had been assigned to Squire 
 Wood, a well-to-do and influential farmer, while that of Corn- 
 wallis had been given to the village lawyer, a kind-hearted but 
 rather pompous person, whose name was Caleb Jones. 
 
 Squire Wood, the Washington of the occasion, had met with 
 many unexpected difficulties in preparing his forces, and in his 
 perplexity he had emptied not only his own canteen, but those 
 of most of his aids. The consequence was — mortifying as it 
 must be to all true Americans — blushing as I do to tell it, 
 Washington at the commencement of the mimic struggle was 
 most unqualifiedly drunk. 
 
 The sham fight commenced. Bang ! bang ! bang ! from 
 the Americans — bang ! bang ! bang ! from the British. The 
 bangs were kept hotly up until the powder gave out, and then 
 came the order, to charge. Hundreds of wooden bayonets 
 flashed fiercely in the sunlight, each soldier taking very good 
 care not to hit anybody. 
 
 " Thaz (hie) right," shouted Washington, who during the 
 shooting had been racing his horse wildly up and down the 
 line, " thaz right ! Gin it to 'em ! Cut their tarnal head3 
 off!" 
 
 " On, Komans ! " shrieked Cornwallis. who had once seen a 
 theatrical performance and remembered the heroic appeals of 
 the Thespian belligerents, " on to the fray ! No sleep till 
 mornin." 
 
 " Let eout all their bowels," yelled Washington, " and down 
 with taxation on tea ! " 
 
154 THE SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 
 
 The fighting now ceased, the opposing forces were properly 
 arranged, and Cornwallis, dismounting, prepared to present his 
 sword to Washington according to programme. As he walked 
 slowly towards the Father of his Country, he rehearsed the 
 little speech he had committed for the occasion, while the 
 illustrious being who was to hear it was making desperate 
 efforts to keep in his saddle. Now he would wildly brandish ' 
 his sword, and narrowly escape cutting off his horse's ears, 
 and then he would fall suddenly forward on to the steed's neck, 
 grasping the mane as drowning men seize hold of straws. He 
 was giving an inimitable representation of Toodles on horse- 
 back. All idea of the magnitude of the occasion had left 
 him, and when he saw Cornwallis approaching, with slow and 
 stately step, and sword-hilt extended towards him, he in- 
 quired — 
 
 " What-'n devil you want, any (hie) how ? " 
 
 " General Washington," said Cornwallis, in dignified and 
 impressive tones, " I tender you my sword. I need not 
 inform you, Sir, how deeply " 
 
 The speech was here cut suddenly short by Washington, 
 who, driving the spurs into his horse, playfully attempted to 
 run over the commander of the British forces. He was not 
 permitted to do this, for his aids, seeing his unfortunate condi- 
 tion, seized the horse by the bridle, straightened Washington 
 up in his saddle, and requested Cornwallis to proceed with his 
 remarks. 
 
 " General Washington," said Cornwallis, " the British Lion 
 ■prostrates himself at the feet of the American Eagle ! " 
 
 "Eagle I Eagle!" yelled the infuriated Washington, rolling 
 off his horse and hitting Cornwallis a frightful blow on the 
 head with the flat of his sword, " do you call me a Eagle, you 
 mean, sneakin cuss ? " He struck him again, sending him to 
 the ground, and said, " I '11 learn you to call me a Eagle, you 
 infernal scoundrel ! " 
 
 Cornwallis remained upon the ground only a moment. 
 
THE' SURRENDER OF CORNWALLIS. 155 
 
 Smarting from the blows he had received, he arose with an 
 entirely unlooked-for recuperation on the part of the fallen, 
 and in direct defiance of historical example. In spite of the 
 men of both nations, indeed, he whipped the. Immortal Wash- 
 ington until he roared for mercy. 
 
 The Americans, at first mortified and indignant at the con- 
 duct of their chief, now began to sympathise with him, and 
 resolved to whip their mock foes in earnest. They rushed 
 fiercely upon them, but the British were really the stronger 
 party, and drove the Americans back. Not content with this, 
 they charged madly upon them, and drove them from the field 
 — from the village, in fact. There were many heads damaged, 
 eyes draped in mourning, noses fractured, and legs lamed. It 
 was a wonder that no one was killed outright. 
 
 Washington was confined to his house for several weeks, but 
 he recovered at last. For a time there was a coolness between 
 himself and Cornwallis, but they finally concluded to join the 
 whole county in laughing about the surrender. 
 
 They live now. Time, the " artist," has thoroughly white- 
 washed their heads, but they are very jolly still. On town 
 meeting days the old Squire always rides down to the village. 
 In the hind part of his venerable yellow waggon is always a 
 bunch of hay, ostensibly for the old white horse, but really to 
 hide a glass bottle from the vulgar gaze. This bottle has on 
 one side a likeness of Lafayette, and upon the other may be 
 seen the Goddess of Liberty. What the bottle contains inside 
 I cannot positively say, but it is true that Squire Wood and 
 Lawyer Jones visit that bottle very frequently on town meet- 
 ing days, and come back looking quite red in the face. When 
 this redness in the face becomes of the blazing kind, as it 
 generally does by the time the polls close, a short dialogue like 
 this may be heard : — 
 
 " We shall never play surrender again, Lawyer Jones ! " 
 
 " Them days is over, Squire Wood ! " 
 
 And then they laugh and jocosely punch each other in the ribs. 
 
i S 6 A JUVENILE COMPOSITION. 
 
 THE WIFE. 
 
 " Home they brought her warrior dead : 
 She nor swooned, nor uttered cry. 
 All her maidens, watching, said, 
 ' She must weep, or she will die.' " 
 
 The propriety of introducing a sad story like the following, 
 in a book intended to be rather cheerful in its character, may 
 be questioned ; but it so beautifully illustrates the firmness of 
 woman when grief and despair have taken possession of " the 
 chambers of her heart," that we cannot refrain from relating it. 
 
 Lucy M loved with all the ardour of a fond and faithful 
 
 wife, and when he upon whom she had so confidingly leaned 
 was stolen from her by death, her friends and companions said 
 Lucy would go mad. Ah, how little they knew her ! 
 
 Gazing for the last time upon the clay-cold features of her 
 departed husband, this young widow — beautiful even in her 
 grief ; so ethereal to look upon, and yet so firm ! — looking for 
 the last time upon the dear familiar face, now cold and still in 
 death— oh, looking for the last, last time — she rapidly put on 
 her bonnet, and thus addressed the sobbing gentlemen who 
 were to act as pall-bearers : — " You pall-bearers, just go into 
 the buttery and get some rum, and we '11 start this man right 
 along ! " 
 
 A JUVENILE COMPOSITION. 
 
 ON THE ELEPHANT. 
 
 The Elephant is the most largest Annymile in the whole 
 world. He eats hay and kakes. You must not giv the 
 Elephant Tobacker, becoz if you do he will stamp his grate 
 big feet upon to you and kill you fatally Ded. Some folks 
 thinks the Elephant is the most noblest Annymile in the 
 world ; but as for Me, giv Me the American Egil and the 
 Stars & Stripes. Alexander Pottles, his Peace. 
 
THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 157 
 
 A POEM BY THE SAME. 
 
 SOME VERSES SUGGESTID BY 2 OF MY UNCLES. 
 
 Uncle Simon he 
 
 Clum up a tree 
 
 To see what he could see 
 
 When presentlee 
 
 Uncle Jim 
 
 Clum beside of him 
 
 And squatted down by he. 
 
 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 [Since the publication of A. Ward's book in this country, the Editor has 
 received the following piece of drollery, with the request that it be 
 included in any new issue of " the showman's " literary labours. As with 
 the other chapters, a few foot-notes have been added which may render 
 more clear some of the allusions to matters peculiarly Transatlantic] 
 
 If I 'm drafted I shall resign. 
 
 Deeply grateful for the onexpected honor thus confered upon 
 me, I shall feel compeld to resign the position in favor of sum 
 more worthy person. Modesty is what ails me. That's what's 
 kept me under. 
 
 I meanter-say, I shall have to resign if I'm drafted ; every- 
 wheres I 've bin inrold. I must now, furrinstuns, be inrold in 
 upards of 200 different towns. If I'd kept on travelin I 
 should hav evehtooally becum a Brigade, in which case I could 
 have held a meetin and elected myself a Brigadeer-ginral quite 
 onanimiss. I hadn't no idee there was so many of me before. 
 But, serisly, I concluded to stop exhibitin and make tracks for 
 Baldinsville. My only daughter threw herself onto my boo- 
 sum, and said, " It is me, fayther ! I thank the gods ! " She 
 reads the New York Ledger. 
 
i 5 8 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 " Tip us yer bunch of fives, old faker ! " said Artemus, Jr. 
 He reads the New York Clipper.* 
 
 My wife was to the sowin circle.t I knew she and the 
 wimin folks was havin a pleasant time slanderin the females 
 of the other sowin circle (which likewise met that arternoon, 
 and was doubtless enjoyin theirselves ekally well in slanderin. 
 the fust-named circle), an' I didn't send for her. I alius like 
 to see people enjoy theirselves. 
 
 My son Orgustus was playin onto a fioot. 
 
 Orgustus is a ethereal cuss. The twins was bildin cob- 
 houses in a corner of the kitchin. 
 
 It '11 cost some postage-stamps to raise this family, and yet 
 it 'ud go hard with the old man to lose any lamb of the flock. 
 
 An old batchelor is a poor critter. He may have hearn the 
 skylark or (what 's nearly the same thing) Miss Kellogg and 
 Carlotty Patti sing ; he may have hearn Ole Bull fiddle, and 
 all the Dodworths toot, an' yet he don't know nothin about 
 music — the real, genuine thing — the music of the laughter of 
 happy, well-fed children ! And you may ax the father of sich 
 children home to dinner, feelin werry sure there'll be no 
 spoons missin when he goes away. Sich fathers never drop tin 
 five-cent pieces into the contribution box, nor palm shoe-pegs 
 off onto blind hosses for oats, nor skedaddle to British sile 
 when their country's in danger — nor do anything which is 
 really mean. I don't mean to intimate that the old batchelor is 
 
 * The New York Ledger presents its readers with tales very similar to 
 those in our Family Herald and London Journal, and is thus in great 
 favour with romantic young ladies. The New York Clipper is the organ 
 of the music halls and sporting circles, and indulges in similar language to 
 that which is so admired by readers of Bell's Life in London. 
 
 + " Quiltings " and "sewing circles" are peculiar features in New 
 England female society. In this country tea-drinkings are the fashion, 
 but the old Puritans never countenanced idleness, and so introduced meet- 
 ings where the women could fulfil the laws of their religion and satisfy 
 their tongues at one and the same time. The originator of the " sewing 
 circle " was a decidedly 'cute person. 
 
THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 159 
 
 up to little games of this sort— not at all — but I repeat, he's a 
 poor critter. He don't live here ; he only stays. He ought 
 to 'pologize, on behalf of his parients, for bein here at all. 
 The happy marrid man dies in good stile at home, surrounded 
 by his weeping wife and children. The old batchelor don't 
 die at all — he sort of rots away, like a polly-wog's tail. 
 
 My townsmen was sort o' demoralized. There was a evi- 
 dent desine to ewade the Draft, as I obsarved with sorrer, and 
 patritism was below Par — and Mar too. [A jew desprit.] I 
 hadn't no sooner sot down on the piazzy of the tavoun than I 
 saw sixteen solitary hossmen, ridin four abreast, wendin their 
 way up the street. 
 
 " What 's them ? Is it calvary 1 " 
 
 " That," said the landlord, " is the stage.* Sixteen able- 
 bodied citizens has lately bo't the stage line between here and 
 Scootsburg. That's them. They're stage-drivers. Stage- 
 drivers is exempt ! " 
 
 I saw that each stage-driver carried a letter in his left hand. 
 
 " The mail is hevy to-day," said the landlord. " Gin'rally 
 they don't have more'n half-a-dozen letters 'tween 'em. To- 
 day they 've got one apiece ! Bile my lights and liver ! " 
 
 " And the passengers ? " 
 
 "There ain't any, skacely, now-days," said the landlord, 
 " and what few there is, very much prefier to walk, the roads 
 is so rough." 
 
 "And how ist with you 1" I inquired of the editor of the 
 Bugle-Horn of Liberty, who sot near me. 
 
 "I can't go," he sed, shakin his head in a wise way. 
 " Ordinarily I should delight to wade in gore, but my bleedin 
 country bids me stay at home. It is imperatively necessary 
 that I remain here for the purpuss of announcin, from week to 
 
 * The post-office conveyance for letters — the coach or stage which con- 
 tracts for the carriage of the mails. In new or thinly-peopled districts, where 
 the roads are uncared for, the stage-driver carries his letter-bag on horse- 
 back, when the weather renders the highway impassable for vehicles. 
 
160 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE, 
 
 week, that our Gov'ment is about to take vigorous measures to put 
 down the rebellion /" 
 
 I strolled into the village oyster-saloon, where I found Dr 
 Schwazey, a leadin citizen, in a state of mind which showed 
 that he 'd hin histin in more'n his share of pizen. 
 
 "Hello, old Beeswax," he bellered; "how's your grand- 
 mams ? When you goin to feed your stuffed animils?" 
 
 " What 's the matter with the eminent physician ? " I plea- 
 santly inquired. 
 
 " This," he said, " this is what's the matter— I'm a hahitooal 
 drunkard ! I 'm exempt/' 
 
 " Jes so." 
 
 " Do you see them beans, old man 1 " and he pinted to a 
 plate before him. " Do you see 'em ? " 
 
 " I do. They are a cheerful fruit when used tempritly." 
 
 " Well," said he, " I hain't eat anything since last week. 
 I eat beans now because I eat beans then. I never mix my 
 vittles ! " 
 
 " It 's quite proper you should eat a little suthin once in a 
 while," I said. " It 's a good idee to occasionally instruct the 
 stummic that it mustn't depend excloosively on licker for its 
 sustainance." 
 
 " A blessin," he cried, " a blessin onto the hed of the man 
 what invented beans ! A blessin onto his hed ! " 
 
 " Which his name is Gilson ! He's a first family of Bostin," 
 said I. 
 
 This is a speciment of how things was goin in my place of 
 residence. 
 
 A few was true blue. The schoolmaster was among 'em. 
 He greeted me warmly. He said I was welkim to those 
 shores. He said I had a massiv mind. It was gratifyin, he 
 said, to see that great intelleck stalkin in their midst onct more. 
 I have before had occasion to notice this schoolmaster. He is 
 evidently a young man of far more than ord'nary talents. 
 
THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 161 
 
 The schoolmaster proposed we should git up a mass meetin. 
 
 The meetin was largely attended. We held it in the open 
 air, -round a roarin bonfire. 
 
 The schoolmaster was the first orator. He 's pretty good on 
 the speak. He also writes well, his composition bein seldom 
 marred by ingrammaticisms. He said this inactivity surprised 
 him. " What do you expect will come of this kind of doins ? 
 Nihil fit " 
 
 " Hooray for Nihil ! " I interrupted. " Fellow-citizens, 
 let 's give three cheers for Nihil, the man who fit." 
 
 The schoolmaster turned a little red, but repeated — " Nihil 
 fit." 
 
 " Exactly," I said. Nihil fit. He wasn't a strategy feller.'' 
 
 " Our venerable friend," said the schoolmaster, smilin plea- 
 santly, " isn't posted in Virgil." 
 
 " No, I don't know him. But if he 's a able-bodied man, he 
 must stand his little draft." 
 
 The schoolmaster wound up in eloquent style, and the sub- 
 scriber took the stand. 
 
 I said the crisis had not only cum itself, but it had brought 
 all its relations. It has cum, I said, with a evident intention 
 of makin us a good long visit. It's goin to take off its 
 things and stop with us. My wife says so too. 
 
 This is a good war. For those who like this war, it's just 
 such a kind of war as they like. I '11 bet ye. My wife says 
 so too. If the Federal army succeeds in takin Washington, 
 and they seem to be advancin that way pretty often, I shall 
 say it is strategy, and Washington will be safe. And that 
 noble banner, as it were — that banner, as it were — will be a 
 emblem, or rather, I should say, that noble banner — as it were. 
 My wife says so too. [I got a little mixed up here, but they 
 .didn't notice it. Keep mum.] 
 
 Feller-citizens, it will be a proud day for this Eepublic when 
 Washington is safe. Gloucester, Massachusetts, is safe. Gen. 
 Fremont is there. No danger of Gloucester, Massachusetts, as 
 
 L 
 
1 62 THE DRAFT IN BALDINSVILLE. 
 
 long as Gen. Fremont's there. And may the day be not far 
 distant when I can say the same of Washington. But if it is 
 saved, it will be by strategy. Vermont will soon be safe. 
 Gen. Phelps is comin home. Let us all rejoice that Vermont 
 is about to be -safe. My wife says so too. 
 
 The editor of the Bugle-Horn of Liberty here arose and said : 
 " I do not wish to interrupt the gentleman, but a important 
 dispatch has just bin received at the telegraph office here. I 
 will read it. It is as follows : — ' Gov'ment is about to take vigorous 
 measures to put down the rebellion ! ' " [Loud applause.] 
 
 That, said I, is cheering. That 's soothing. And Washing- 
 ing will be safe. [Sensation.] Philadelphia is safe. Gen. 
 Patterson is in Philadelphia. But my heart bleeds partic'Jy 
 for Washington. My wife says so too. 
 
 There 's money enough. No trouble about money. They 've 
 got a lot of first-class bank-note engravers at Washington 
 (which place, I regret to say, is by no means safe) who turn 
 out two or three cords* of money a day — good money too. 
 Goes well. These bank-note engravers make good wages. I 
 expect they lay up property. They are full of Union senti- 
 ment. There is considerable Union sentiment in Virginny, 
 more specially among the honest farmers of the Shenandoah 
 valley. My wife says so too. 
 
 Then it isn't money we want. But we do want men, and 
 we must have them. We must carry a whirlwind of fire 
 among the foe. We must crush the ungrateful rebels who 
 are poundin the Goddess of Liberty over the head with slung- 
 shots, and stabbin her with stolen knives ! We must lick 
 'em quick. We must introduce a large number of first-class 
 funerals among the people of the South. Betsy says so too. 
 
 This war hain't been too well managed. We all know that. 
 What then ? We are all in the same boat — if the boat goes 
 down, we go down with her. Hence we must all fight. It 
 
 ' * In allusion to the national measurement of firewood, a cord of wood 
 being 8 feet long, 4 feet wide, and 4 feet high. 
 
MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK. 163 
 
 ain't no use to talk now about who earned the war. That's 
 played out. The war is upon us — upon us all— and we must all 
 fight. We can't " reason" the matter with the foe — only with 
 steel and lead. When, in the broad glare of the noonday sun, 
 a speckled jackass boldly and maliciously kicks over a peanut- 
 stand, do we " reason " with him ? I guess not. And why 
 " reason " with those other Southern people who are tryin to 
 kick over the Eepublic 1 Betsy, my wife, says so too. 
 
 I have great confidence in A. Linkin. The old fellow's 
 heart is in the right place, and his head is clear. There 's bin 
 sum queer doins by sum of his deputies — civil and military — 
 but let it pass. We must save the Union. And don't let us 
 wait to be drafted. The Eepublic is our mother. For God's 
 sake, don't let us stop to draw lots to see which of us shall go to the 
 rescue of our wounded and bleeding mother.. Drive the assassins 
 from her throat — drive them into the sea ! And then, if it is 
 worth while, stop and argue about who caused all this in the 
 first place. You've heard the showman. You've heard my 
 wife too. Me and Betsy is 1. 
 
 The meetin broke up with enthusiasm. We shan't draft in 
 Baldinsville if we can help it. — Yours considerably, 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK {SOIREE). 
 
 [Shortly after the publication in this country of " Artemus Ward His 
 Book," I received from a friend the following article, purporting to have 
 been written by Mr W. during a stay in Bristol. The sketch appeared in 
 the Bristol Record* and upon writing to the editor for further information 
 
 * Prefixed to the article in the Record was the following : — '' A letter 
 has just been shown to us, of which we subjoin a portion, from which it 
 
 will appear that Mr (we suppress the name for obvious reasons) is 
 
 not the only illustrious American who is sojourning at present at Clifton. 
 Artemus Ward has retired for the present from his professional duties, in 
 
1 64 MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK. 
 
 concerning it, I received from that gentleman such a cautious reply as 
 confirmed a previous suspicion that "the showman" had not visited the 
 great western city, and that the article was either a concoction in Mr 
 Ward's style, or one of the papers of Josh Billings, an imitator of Mr W., 
 slightly altered to suit the locality of its republication. Whether these 
 conjectures are correct or not, the article is here given for the English 
 reader's criticism, and, although not equal in humour to A. Ward's more 
 successful pieces, certain pleasantries of expression and droll extravagances 
 observable in it will, at least, repay perusal.] 
 
 Wall, we had a just sittled down to our wine, when sez 
 the Squire * soddenlick, " Mr W., would you like to go to a 
 Graffick?" 
 
 " What 's a Graffick? " sed I. 
 
 " A Pictur-shew," sed he, " with a swoiree between, and all 
 the fashionables of this interestin location there." 
 
 " Don't care if I duz," sed'I, "perwided u go the Ticket." t 
 
 " Sertingly," sed he. " Mr Ward, you are my guest for the 
 evening." 
 
 So we put on our go-to-meetings, and yaller kid-skins, and 
 sot off. There was a purty tidy fixin of shrubs and statooary 
 
 consequence of the rough treatment which he lately received in the 
 Southern States. His admirers have sent him to England to recruit, and 
 
 he was last week at Clifton, and dined with Mr . We are violating 
 
 no literary confidence in mentioning the above, as Mr Ward is combining 
 business with pleasure, and his letters will appear in the New York Tri- 
 bune, to which journal he has temporarily attached himself as special 
 European correspondent. — Ed. jS. JR. 
 
 * Sometimes pronounced " Square " in New England phraseology— a 
 magistrate, or justice of the peace. See foot-note, p. 54. 
 
 + In this instance apparently refers to payment for the entrance card, 
 although it may apply to the vulgar Transatlantic phrase, " Go the ticket," 
 i.e., the entire scheme — witness all offered in the programme — an expres- 
 sion that arose from the printed list of political candidates used at an 
 election. According to circumstances, a, man is said " To go the ticket," 
 or "Go the straight ticket," i.e., the entire list containing the "regular 
 nomination " of his party ; " To go a scratch ticket," a ticket from which 
 the names of one or more of the candidates are erased ; to go a " split 
 ticket," one representing different divisions of his party, &c. 
 
MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK. 165 
 
 as we went in (but nuthin ekal to the Bowery Saloon, New 
 York !), and stairs up and stairs down, and gals in opera clokes 
 ascendin and D-scendin. 
 
 First we go up into a big room witb a blaze 0' lite and a 
 crowd of cumpany. The Squire whispers to me, and sez he'll 
 pint out the lokial celebrities. At the end of the, room is a 
 great pictur, representin a stout femail on a tarnation dark 
 back-ground. The critters scrowded up to it, and looked on 
 in hor. Presently I feels the Squire nudging 'me. 
 
 " Do you see that Jndividooal," sed he, " with Hyacinthian 
 curls, and his eye in a fine frenzy rollin % That 's the great 
 art critic, who lays down the lor for Bristol and ets 'vicinity." 
 
 So I pushed up cloas, and sed I to the creteck, " Wall, 
 Mister, what dew think of that air piece of canvas staining 1" 
 
 At first he Ide me loftily, and made no reply. At last he 
 spoak (with grate deliberashun). " Not yet have I mastered 
 the pictur. I 'm a studyin of the onperfectly-seen vizionoimies 
 behind. Them guards is a phernomenon. The soul of the 
 painter has projected itself thrugh the august glooms." 
 
 " Don't see it," sez I. " Them shadders want glazin — and 
 the middle-tints is no whur. Guess if Hiram Applesquash (our 
 ' domestic decorator' to hum) had pertrayed them guards, he 
 would hev slicked off their Uniforms as bright as a New Eng- 
 land tulip." 
 
 The creteck regarded me With Contemptoous indigna- 
 shun. 
 
 " Hullo ! " sed I next, " whose been and stolen a signboard, 
 and stuck it up in this refined society 1" 
 
 " To what do you defer 1" sez he, still very fridgid. 
 
 " To that corpulent figgur," sez I, " in military fixins." 
 
 "That, sair," sez he, with severity, "is a portrait of his 
 Majusty the King of Denmark, lately disEased." 
 
 "A portraickt of his cloze, you mean," sez I. "Is that 
 sprorling pictur a work of art 1 (N.B. — This I sed sarcasticul.) 
 Hiram A. touched off a new Sign for the Tavern at Baldins- 
 
1 66 MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK. 
 
 ville jest before I saled, and his ' President's Head ' would bete 
 this by a long chalk any day." With that I scowled at the 
 Creteck, and left him looking considerable smawl pertaters. 
 
 Arter this we went down into the Cole-hole, wich they had 
 cleaned out for the night and white-washed. Here I own was 
 buties of natur. I always had a liken for water-colar paintin, 
 and sometimes take a sketcht in that way myself. Me and 
 Squire tried to get a good look, but was engulp'hed in an 
 oshun of hot galls, who kinder steamed again. The gas, close 
 over our heads, nigh made our brains bile over, so sez I, 
 " Let 's make tracks* out of this, Squire. It ain't civet (Schak- 
 spar) here. This parfume of humanity is horrid unhand- 
 some.'' 
 
 '•' Let 's have a cup of corfy," says he, " to repare exhorsted 
 natur.'' 
 
 " A sherry cobbler would be more to the purpose," says I, 
 " but if they hev none of them coolin drinks at art sworricks, 
 here goes for the Moky." (KB. — This I sed ironical. Korfy 
 at sworricks is usually burnt beans.) 
 
 So we med our way into another room, with 2 bar-counters, 
 and a crowd of people pushin and drivin to get forrerd. They 
 knocked and elbered me about till I felt my dander riz. 
 " Come on, Squire," sez I, setting my arms a kimber ; " take 
 care, my old coons, of your tendur Korns and Bunyans. Look 
 out for your ribs, for I've crooked my elbers," and forrerd 
 I goes with Squire follerin' in my wake. Bimeby a woman's 
 long skirt gets between my legs, and I spins round and goes 
 kerslash t into the stumuck of a fat old gentleman, who was 
 just blowin his third cup. He med a spaired his breath 
 though ! kerslap t I goes into his wastecote, and kesouse t 
 
 * To go, to run ; a figurative expression of Western origin : — " He came 
 plaguey near not seein of me, says I : for I had just commenced making 
 tracks as you came in."— Sam Slick in England, ch. 20. 
 
 t A variation of the Americanisms Kerslap, Kesouse, Keslosh, i.e., the 
 noise made by a body falling into the water. See foot-note, p'. 43. 
 
MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK. 167 
 
 goes his coffy over his shoulders onto lied and neck of a bony- 
 old made with a bird of Pardice in her artificial locks. 
 
 " Beg your pardon, marm," sez I, as soon as I could speak. 
 
 She looked imprekashuns, and turned away ortily, mopping 
 herself down with a laced nose-rag. 
 
 The Old gentleman was more cholerick. " Cuss your clum- 
 siness," says he, " can't you come to a graffick without punch- 
 ing your ugly hed Into other people's stumucks 1" 
 
 " I didn't.go for to do it," sez I, " and jest put the Saddl on 
 the right hoss, mister," I continerred. " If this femail behind 
 didn't carry so much slack foresail, she wuddn't hev entangled 
 my spars and careened me over.'' 
 
 Arter this I would try no more of their all-fired corfy. 
 
 Squire had had enough of the Sworrick, so we made 
 
 tracks for the Ho-tell. 
 
 " Bring-up a quart of brandy," sez the Squire, " and a bilin 
 o' lemons and sugar. Mr W.," sez he, "there's not much of 
 me left. Let 's liquor up ! Let 's have a smoke and a cock- 
 tail,"* So we mixes, and had an entertaining discorse on 
 polite literatoor. "Dod-rabbitt the sworrick," says Squire. 
 " Say no more about it. I was a fool, Mr Ward, to prefare it 
 to your amusin an inshstructive conversashun." 
 
 After a while we got cheerful and sung " ale Columby" (it 's 
 a fine voice the Squire has for a doo-et). Respect for the so- 
 shul Borde makes me now cave inj and klose my commooni- 
 
 cation. Squire is a grate filantherpist, but he 's not grate . 
 
 at stowing away his lick-er. I tuk him to bed after the 3d 
 tumbler, that the cuss of a british Waiter might not see one 
 of us free <fc enlightened citizens onable to walk strate. He said 
 it was a wet night, and demanded his umburella. Likewise 
 he wouldn't hev his boots off, for fere of catchin cold. I put 
 
 * A stimulating beverage, made of brandy or gin, mixed with, sugar and 
 a very little water. See "Bon Gaultier's Ballads." 
 + An American euphemism for a profane oath. 
 J See foot-note, p. 56. 
 
168 MR WARD ATTENDS A GRAFFICK. 
 
 the candle in the wash-basan that the critter mightn't set his- 
 self on fire, and left him in bed with his umburella up, singing 
 " Ale columby." 
 ' Arter that I went down and finished the mahogany. * 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 * Brandy and water, the ruddy appearance of which indicates that very 
 little of the latter has been used in its composition. Spanish is the stronger, 
 and Honduras the milder mixture. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD ' 
 
 (HIS TRAVELS) 
 
 AMONG THE MORMONS. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 " Will you go with me to California and Oregon 1 " asked 
 Artemus Ward, at the Kevere House, New York, one day in 
 the summer of 1863. 
 
 California being to me what the Americans phrase " an old 
 stamping ground" — a land with which I was familiar, I at 
 once assented ; for " Nulla vestigia retrorsum " is not the motto 
 of any one who has once trodden the soil of the Golden State, 
 nor who has once felt the luxury of life in a climate to which 
 that of Greece is the nearest European analogue. 
 
 " And then come home across the Plains and do the Mor- 
 mons as we return 1 " added Artemus, interrogatively. 
 
 I paused before giving a reply. It came to my remembrance 
 that Artemus had written " A Visit to Brigham Young" in a 
 volume already published, in which imaginary sketch he had 
 characterised the Mormons as " an onprincipled a set of retchis 
 as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the globe." * Visions flitted 
 before me of our possible fate in a city the inhabitants of 
 which had been so abused by one of the intending travellers^ 
 The insecurity of human life at Salt Lake had been a frequent 
 topic for newspaper paragraphs, and I had heard of an unpre- 
 possessing body of men in that vicinity designated as The 
 Destroying Angels. As delicately as I could, I hinted to 
 Artemus the perils of the enterprise. He affected to despise 
 all danger, and treated my warnings as lightly as Don Quixote 
 * " Artemus Ward, His Book," p. 77. 
 
172 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 did those of Sancho Panza, relative to the windmills of 
 Montiel. That Artemus himself had some misgivings after- 
 wards, if not then, is avowed by him in the chapter on Salt 
 Lake City in the present book. No matter how the Mormons 
 might receive us, it was decided to go ; and we went. 
 
 For the information of English readers who are not familiar 
 with the geography of the North American Continent, espe- 
 cially with that part of it in which the Salt Lake is situated, 
 I venture to say a few words about the means of getting to 
 the Mormon capital, and its situation, with especial reference 
 to the route passed over by Artemus Ward and myself. 
 Information relative to Utah is not very plentiful, and the 
 books on that territory are by no means numerous. The best 
 work I have met with is that of M. Jules Eemy,* and the 
 next best " The City of the Saints,'' by Captain Richard F. 
 Burton, but both of them are descriptive of the Utah of full 
 five years ago ; and while that of Captain Burton depicts the 
 rosy side of Mormondom, that of M. Remy is, perhaps, 
 written with a too condemnatory pen. It is extremely difficult, 
 even by visiting the territory, to learn much concerning it and 
 its inhabitants. The physical features admit of easy descrip- 
 tion, but its social life, the mighty influences which are at 
 work for good or evil, the curious problems which are solving 
 themselves among a singular people, the exact nature of that 
 strange plastic power which, taking unto itself the form of a 
 religion, is rapidly building up a community unlike any other 
 on the globe, are all points in relation to the Mormons very 
 little understood, and which they themselves do not wish made 
 clear to us, whom they stigmatize as " Gentiles." 
 
 You can go to Salt Lake by crossing the Isthmus of Panama, 
 or by being ferried across the Missouri river. In proceeding 
 by the former route you have to brave the dangers of the 
 Atlantic aud Pacific Oceans, and in going by the latter you 
 have to encounter the perils of the Plains, including very ugly 
 * " Voyage au Pays des Mormons." Paris, 1860. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 173 
 
 mountains and very loose-minded Indians. The track of travel 
 pursed by Artemus Ward and myself was simply this : We 
 left New York by steamer, crossed the Isthmus of Panama by 
 railway, steamed up the Pacific to San Francisco, then went 
 by steamboat again to Sacramento, then by railroad to Folsom, 
 and next by coach to Placerville, where we changed our con- 
 veyance for what they please to call a " stage", in California, 
 but which, in England, we should describe as a spring-van, 
 seated, with a covered top to it, and canvas or leather blinds 
 on each side — a form of conveyance common enough in the 
 States and in Australia, but altogether unknown, I believe, in 
 the British Isles. In a hideous apparatus of this description 
 we jolted on night and day for six hundred and thirty miles 
 from Placerville to Salt Lake City. Occasionally we obtained 
 relief by being transferred from the coach, as they would 
 facetiously persist in calling it, to a sleigh, formed of rough 
 pine wood, like a very broad French egg-box, far too shallow, 
 with no cover, placed on huge " runners," and drawn over the 
 ice by four gaunt maniacal mules, driven by a jovial Jehu, who 
 regarded a capsize as the most ordinary of every-day events, 
 and a roll down a mountain side as the most exhilarating 
 pastime in the world. Six hundred more miles of similar 
 coach and sleigh brought us from Salt Lake to Denver City in 
 Colorado, and a third six-hundred-mile ride took us across the 
 plains, through camps of Sioux Indians, past herds of buffaloes, 
 and past subterranean cities, excavated and inhabitedby prairie 
 dogs, to Atchison, on the Missouri river ; where we crossed the 
 State of Missouri by railway to St Louis, on the Mississippi, and 
 then through Illinois, Michigan, Upper Canada, and New York 
 State, home again to New York ; in all, a journey of over 10,000 
 miles, of which about 7000 was by water transit, and about 
 3000 overland. To those who, seeking pleasure, contemplate 
 doing the land route in winter, as we did it, I would give the 
 same advice that I think Artemus would, and say — don't. 
 There is nothing that Artemus Ward has said about the 
 
174 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 steamer Ariel, in his first chapter of this book, which would 
 not be heartily endorsed by nearly all who have voyaged in 
 the vessels belonging to Mr Cornelius Vanderbilt. The 
 Panama railway he scarcely attempts to describe; though a 
 railway less than fifty miles in length, which you are charged 
 five pounds sterling for travelling over, is certainly expensive 
 enough to merit a few passing remarks. On the Pacific side, 
 the steamers are all that is desirable : they are palatial in 
 their structure, well officered, well supplied, and well con- 
 ducted. I have travelled by them more than once, and know 
 nothing more agreeable than to lounge on the "hurricane 
 deck" of the Golden City, or the Constitution, and placidly 
 steam along past the green shores of coffee-yielding Costa 
 Eica, the bold, rocky coast of Mexico, the arid grandeur of 
 Cape St Lucas, and the mountains covered with wild oats 
 which form the majestic sea-wall of California. In two weeks 
 from leaving Panama you float through the Golden Gate and 
 land at San Francisco. 
 
 Artemus has been very modest in his book, and omitted to 
 say a word in reference to his success in the metropolis of 
 California. Here in England, where the days of lecturing 
 seem to have passed away with the decadence of the Mechanics' 
 Institute, it may surprise many to learn that at his first lecture 
 at San Francisco, Artemus "Ward received over 1600 dollars 
 (£320). And they pay in gold in California, a State law 
 prohibiting the use of paper money. Greenbacks are as much 
 curiosities there as golden dollars are in New York at the pre- 
 sent moment. 
 
 From California we crossed the Sierra into Nevada, more 
 poetically called " the Silver Land." In the following pages 
 it is spoken of as Washoe ; and by that name it was originally 
 known when its argentine treasures were first discovered. At 
 the present moment the name of Washoe is limited to a small 
 city in one corner of the State. Than Nevada, I scarcely know 
 of a place which would convey more extraordinary impressions 
 
INTRODUCTION. 175 
 
 to the mind of a traveller from the Old World. Journeying to 
 it by the route which we took, or indeed by any route from 
 California, the Sierra Nevada mountains have to be crossed at an 
 altitude of full six thousand feet ; and in descending from the 
 summit to the other side, the coach glides along a mountain 
 shelf — a perpendicular wall of rock to the left, and an abyss on 
 the right — to look down which requires stronger nerves than 
 very many travellers possess. Used to the peril of the descent, 
 the coachmen drive down the frightful incline at full speed, 
 while the occupants of the vehicle clutch its roof, or its sides, 
 and hold their breath in the anxiety of their terror. Far 
 away in the distance gleams Lake Tahoe, once called Lake 
 Bigler, after "Fat John Bigler," formerly Governor of Cali- 
 fornia, but who lost the honour of having the lake called by 
 his name when his political principles ceased to please. Seen 
 as we beheld it, in the early morning light, and as we scudded 
 at a mad pace down the mountain side, its surrounding peaks 
 lighted up with rosy splendour, and its broad expanse of silent, 
 lonely water glowing with silver brightness, I could think of 
 nothing in Switzerland half so grand, nor anything in Italy 
 half so charming. The lake is forty miles in length. We 
 drove along beside it on our way to Carson City, and stopped 
 to breakfast off some delicious fish taken out of its waters. 
 Then came the ascent of the Second Summit, the first glance 
 at the silver regions, and the scenes to which Artemus Ward 
 alludes in the fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth chapters of this 
 volume. 
 
 Mr Brown (for such is the real name of Artemus Ward) has 
 never pretended to be a descriptive writer. As he himself 
 would say, scenery is not one of his " forts." Place an odd 
 man beside a very large mountain, and let Artemus Ward 
 pass by. He will see the man, and catch his peculiarities 
 with photographic celerity; but he will probably fail to notice 
 whether the background to his figure is a mountain or an 
 open plain. Travelling with him, I have been many times 
 
176 INTRODUCTION 
 
 surprised at the rapidity with which he grasped character, 
 especially if it verged towards the eccentric. Were he a land- 
 scape writer— and why should there not be landscape writers 
 as well as landscape painters 1 — he would have written at 
 length of the wonders of that Washoe ride, and the glories of 
 that marvellous land, wherein, to use one of his own witticisms 
 not introduced in the book, " Silver is lying around loose, and 
 thefts of it are termed silver-guilt." He made a descent into 
 the Gould and Curry mine, mentioned by him in the chapter 
 on Washoe, and his experiences therein would alone make a 
 pleasant story. 
 
 New Year's-day, 1864, found us both in Virginia City, 
 perched up on the side of Mount Davidson, some five or six 
 thousand feet above the sea-level, with a magnificent view 
 before us of the desert over which we had to find our way to 
 Utah. It was a pleasant prospect to look down upon. No- 
 thing but arid rocks and sandy plains, speckled with Artemisia 
 or sage-brush. No village for full two hundred miles, and any 
 number of the worst tribe of Indians — the Goshoots — agree- 
 ably besprinkling the path. We escaped by exactly twenty- 
 four hours the honour of being scalped at a station west of 
 Eeese Eiver. On the night following our departure, the noble 
 red man came with his tomahawk and slaughtered the men 
 who had harnessed-up our horses. 
 
 The Eeese Eiver silver mines have acquired great celebrity 
 since Artemus Ward lectured in Austin. He announced the 
 lecture as "The Pioneer Lecture in the Shoshone Nation." 
 The admission was one dollar and a half (6s. English), and 
 half a dozen Shoshone warriors, in all the glory of grease and 
 red-ochre, clustered around the door of the court-house. It is 
 hardly more than a year and a half ago ; Austin was then a 
 straggling mining town of little more than a year's growth. 
 At the present moment it is a city, with a mayor and corpora- 
 tion, plate-glass windows, and a theatre. Embosomed as it is 
 among mountains, far away from all other cities, a silver mine 
 
INTRODUCTION. i 77 
 
 behind every house, and Indians sauntering about its streets 
 it is one of the strangest of the many strange cities of the new 
 Western World. 
 
 Coach and sleigh alternately took us on from Eeese by way 
 of Fort Ruby to Salt Lake City. It is a drive of very nearly 
 four hundred miles. Grandeur of scenery and the novelties of 
 the journey fail to compensate for the loss of sleep, the fatigue 
 of mind and body occasioned by continuous jolting over rocky 
 paths, and the inconvenience of travelling in an open sleigh at 
 midnight, in the midst of a snow storm, knowing that you 
 are some thousand feet up a mountain side, and seeing no in- 
 dications of any track by which you may reach the valley be- 
 low. The stations on the road are miserable in the extreme. 
 Sometimes they are mere " dug-outs," as they are called, 
 excavations in which are stables for the horses or mules, 
 and a subterranean den for the poor isolated wretch to sleep 
 in who has charge of the property of the company. A few of 
 the stations are square-built forts of adobe, or sun-dried brick, 
 with an apartment in the corner for the keeper and his com- 
 panions — that is, if he happens to have any. Where these 
 station-keepers come from is a problem to the traveller. Tall, 
 gaunt, dirty, with long untrimmed hair, shaggy whiskers, and 
 innocent of linen, these pariahs of the desert lead the dreariest 
 kind of life, devoid of all comfort, and liable at any time to 
 fall the victims of the revengeful Indian. Among them are 
 found the disappointed miner from California, the. hunted 
 outlaw from Texas, the spirit-broken bandit of Chihuahua, 
 and the exacerbated Juarist from Mexico. At a station at 
 which we halted near Bear River, and where the surroundings 
 appeared to me to be unusually dreary, I remarked to the 
 Station-keeper ' that he must be sadly in want of company- 
 His reply startled me, " Not while I can talk with Martin 
 Luther and Daniel Webster." He was a forlorn Spiritualist 
 from Melrose, near Boston. How he accommodated the 
 " spirits " I know not, for the room was too small to hold a 
 table, and a broad shelf served as a substitute. 
 
 M 
 
1 78 INTRO D UCTION. 
 
 There was another station — Needle Eock — to which Artemus 
 refers, where the keeper was the most pitiable specimen wc 
 had seen of his class. His habitation was high up on a table- 
 land of desert. The scene around was arid, sterile, forlorn, 
 and wretched to the last degree. It was winter. He had to 
 go two miles to a spring and break in the ice for water. We 
 passed him as he was so engaged. Half-starved, toothless, 
 consumptive, grim and ghastly, we could not but pity him 
 and offer a few consoling jokes. His reply was, " I guess I '11 
 get a wife this summer, arid then I '11 be better off." Poor 
 fellow ! The bride waiting for him seemed to be her whom 
 we wed with a ring of earth, and who has dust and ashes for 
 her dower. 
 
 Stations serve two purposes. At them you change horses or 
 mules, and at them you obtain meals, the latter of which pur- 
 poses is effected in a manner peculiar to the plains. Coffee with- 
 out milk, and frequently without sugar, bread baked while you 
 are waiting, and bacon broiled as expeditiously as possible. 
 You know that you are coming to a station long before you 
 . see it. So odoriferous is the bacon that you scent it two miles 
 away, and generally you prefer its odour at that distance. 
 Fortified with strong bacon, frozen, weary, and yet jolly — for 
 who could not be so with Artemus ? — we arrived at Salt Lake 
 City. 
 
 And what is Salt Lake City like 1 Everybody asks the 
 question. To rightly understand its position it must first be 
 premised that it is situated on the great table-land of the 
 central portion of the North American continent. Every 
 street in it is 4000 feet above the sea-level. The Andes of 
 South America, trending north at the Isthmus, break up into 
 two great chains, which, on the western side of the continent, 
 form first the Cordilleras of Anahuac, in Mexico, and then the 
 Sierra Nevada in California, while on the eastern side they 
 form first the Cordillera of the Sierra Madre, which more 
 northward becomes the Eocky Mountains. Between this 
 
INTRODUCTION. 179 
 
 V-like expansion is a table-land, on which stands the city of 
 Mexico in a southerly direction, and the city of the Great Salt 
 Lake more to the northward. The Mormon capital occupies 
 the north-eastern extremity of a valley, and' that valley is one of 
 the most beautiful of any on the globe. Surrounded by moun- 
 tains — the Wasach range to the east and the Oquirrh range to 
 the west — watered by the river Jordan, which flows through it 
 for twenty-five miles, and fertile even to a luxuriance of fertility 
 — no wonder that the Mormon leaders selected it for their 
 Mecca — their Jerusalem — their Holy City. Dr Johnson, had 
 he seen it, would have made it the home of Rasselas. Visions 
 of it, so the Mormons tell you, were revealed by Heaven to 
 Mr Joseph Smith, jun., long before a Mormon inhabited it. 
 Mr Joseph Smith is said to have related his visions to his 
 disciples ; and Brother Snow, actor and " saint," assured me 
 that he knew the valley the moment he saw it, from the de- 
 scription given by Mr Smith of his vision. Whether the Mor- 
 mons came upon it by chance, or whether they received infor- 
 mation of its desirable character, they at any rate acted wisely 
 in selecting it for their Tadmor of the Desert. The mountains 
 which environ the valley rise to an altitude of from six to 
 seven thousand feet, shutting it in from the desert without, 
 and rendering it more impregnable than any fortified city. 
 The passes by which it can be entered are few, and admit of 
 easy defence. Mormons guard them, and the Indians beyond 
 are unquestionably the Mormons' friends — possibly their allies 
 
 An erroneous belief prevails among those not better informed 
 that Salt Lake City is on the borders of the Great Salt Lake. 
 Such is not the case. The lake is eighteen miles away in a 
 gap among the mountains. It is so salt that three barrels of 
 the water are said to yield on evappration one barrel of pure 
 salt. Nothing animate exists in it except a small insect, which 
 amuses itself by practising saltatory exercises on its surface. 
 As Artemus has elsewhere said, " It is too saline to sail in." 
 
 The city itself is built on what geologists term " a bench" of 
 
180 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 the mountains, and overlooks the valley. Higher up, on 
 another bench to the south-east, is Camp Douglas, where the 
 United States' government keeps about two thousand Califor- 
 nian soldiers to overawe Brigham Young. But the Mormans 
 are all military ; and were a collision to come about between 
 them and the American authorities, they would undoubtedly 
 turn out to a man. Whether they have arms enough, is not 
 very well known : I believe they have. The United States 
 sent General A. S. Johnston against them during the admin- 
 istration of President Buchanan. The fiasco of the expedition 
 is matter of history ; but the oddest result is, that the musket- 
 barrels of that expeditionary army now form the waterpipes 
 of Brigham Young's palace and premises. 
 
 No wonder that the Mormon believes in his faith, or at any 
 rate that the poorer and less intelligent of them do. Collected 
 from the uneducated districts of "Wales, Lancashire, and the 
 Scottish Highlands — from the shores of Norwegian fiords and 
 the skirts of Swedish pine-forests — they arrive at New York, 
 in most instances without money, and in themselves helpless. 
 These are met by the agents of the Mormon rulers, escorted 
 through the States and across the Mississippi and Missouri to 
 Florence, in Nebraska. Arrived there, they meet the train of 
 waggons and the great band of guides, which Brigham Young 
 has sent on to convey them across the plains and over the 
 Bocky Mountains to Salt Lake City. Entering at length the 
 Promised Land, they are marched to Emigration Square, and 
 passed under review by Brigham himself and by the elders of 
 the Church. There are those who affirm that during the in- 
 spection, if Brigham sees a pretty girl he " makes a note of 
 it," and that, if any one of the bishops or elders effects a like 
 discovery, he acts in a similar manner. Be this as it may, it 
 is the duty of " the Church" to look out for the welfare of the 
 new-comers, and she does so in what she considers to be the 
 best way. No one must starve; no one must be idle; no 
 marriageable maiden must go without a husband, if one, or 
 
INTRODUCTION. . 181 
 
 the twentieth part of one, is to be had. In two years, Hodge, 
 the agricultural labourer, who never earned more than ten 
 shillings per week in his own country, finds himself in the 
 possession of a nice piece of land, a cottage, and a cow, while 
 Mary, from Chowbent, or Maggy, from the Caledonian Canal, 
 discovers herself to be the sixteenth wife of a bishop, whose 
 other fifteen wives call her " sister," allow her to take care of 
 their children, and trust to share with her, when they die, all 
 the privileges of Paradise, derivable from their matrimonial 
 participation in their husband's holiness. Ask Maggy, or 
 Mary, or Hodge, whether he or she believes in the truth of 
 Mormondom. Is it possible for any one of them to disbelieve, 
 looking at his or her present prosperity, and being taught to 
 regard the cow, the cottage, and the home as " the blessing of 
 the Lord" in reward for faith 1 
 
 Contentment, industry, prosperity, and happiness appear to 
 the superficial observer to be the lot of the Mormons. The 
 Canaan in which they dwell veritably " flows with milk and 
 honey." Pasturage is rich, stock is good, fields are fertile, 
 and there is a market for all that can be raised. The inhabi- 
 tants of the city number about 20,000, but in the territory 
 there cannot be less than 100,000, Mormons. The produce of 
 field and farm not only finds a market among themselves, but 
 among miners in distant gold fields, and soldiers in remote 
 forts and outposts of the desert. Fruit grows in abundance, 
 the apricot and the peach-tree bloom in every garden; the 
 vine, the maize, and the sorghum plant supply luscious food 
 and exhilarating drink. Every house within the city has one 
 and a half square acre to stand upon, while those outside the 
 city proper are each surrounded with their eight or ten acres 
 of land. A stream of clear water from the mountains runs 
 through every street, and lines of poplars or clumps of cotton- 
 wood, locust, or acacia, lend a grateful shade wherever shade 
 is desirable. The crescent -crowned dome and the minaret for . 
 the muezzin are all that are wanted to give Salt Lake City the 
 aspect of the Asiatic Orient. 
 
182 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 So much for the appearance of the city. Now for its inner 
 life,. And here I tread on dangerous ground. We English 
 are not very sensitive to the criticisms of foreigners, the 
 Americans are more so, but the Mormons are most so of all. 
 Say one word against their institutions after you have been 
 among them, and they howl at you for your ingratitude and 
 your want of courtesy after receiving hospitality; albeit that 
 the hospitality amounted to no more than you paid for, and 
 you cannot for the life of you discover wherein you have 
 reason to be grateful. Let me give them full credit for their 
 virtues, and say that they had no public bar-room in the city, 
 nor any gaming-house, when Artemus and I were there, and 
 that I am ready to believe, as they asserted, that the social 
 evil did not exist among them. But on the per contra side of 
 the question let me place polygamy and the most blasphemous 
 burlesque of what the Christian world considers to be religion. 
 In a cemetery at Sharon, Connecticut, is a family lot in which 
 seven graves are arranged in a circle. Six stones commemorate 
 six deceased wives of one gentleman, while the seventh and more 
 elegant slab bears the affecting inscription, " Our husband." 
 "Whether the dead man was a Mormon or not I do not know, 
 but if Brigham Young were to die, and his wives were to be 
 arranged around him in similar manner, the circle would 
 require the area of an ordinary cemetery. How many he has 
 I do not know ; nor do I believe that any one not a Mormon 
 is informed. He owns a harem within his palace for those 
 who live with him, and calls it the "Lion House." The 
 ladies — there may be fifty of them and there may be more — 
 have each a room similarly furnished. No drones being 
 allowed in the hive, all work, and make whatever is required 
 for the use of the family. Besides these inmates of the sera- 
 glio, Brigham has a hundred or two others distributed through- 
 out the territory, who are " sealed " to him, and who by virtue 
 of the sealing process hope to share bliss with him hereafter. 
 From what I could learn of the creed of the Mormons it ap- 
 
INTRODUCTION. 183 
 
 pears to be one of their tenets that an unmarried lady cannot 
 have a future state. The wife goes to heaven clinging to the 
 skirts of her husband's coat, and just as many as can hitch on 
 he is believed to be able to take there with him. Consequently 
 the man who holds the highest position in the church is the 
 most sought after by young ladies desiring to be sealed. 
 Hebe.r C. Kimball has, I believe, almost as many wives as 
 Brigham Young. Many of the "saints," as they self-right- 
 eously call themselves, have from three to ten. Some are 
 content with only two, and there are those who'have but one. 
 Among themselves they do not call it polygamy or bigamy ; 
 the word for it is " plurality." 
 
 To go to a party in Salt Lake City is a very jolly affair. I 
 went to one where there were thirty-three young ladies, and 
 only nine gentlemen. All of the thirty-three were, I believe, 
 unmarried. The female element is very plentiful, owing 
 partly to there being more female immigrants than males, 
 and also owing to the physiological fact that polygamy pro- 
 duces more offspring of the feminine gender than of the mas- 
 culine. Amusements, theatrical, musical, and Terpsichorean, 
 are patronised largely by both young and old. A bishop 
 thinks nothing of enacting a part at a theatre. Brigham 
 Young's three best-beloved daughters played publicly the parts 
 of Aglaia, Euphrosyne, and Thalia, in the drama of " The 
 Marble Heart." The performances at the playhouse are occa- 
 sionally announced from the pulpit, and the " Apostles' Ball " 
 is attended by every devout saint who can procure a ticket of 
 admission. 
 
 Are the Mormon women pretty 1 ■ Many have asked me the 
 question. Pardon me, Mormon ladies, while I truthfully reply. 
 Some are pretty enough. I regret they are so few ; but it is 
 easily to be understood, bearing in mind the sources whence 
 the female population of Mormondom is drawn, that beauty 
 is the exception, not the rule. "With intellects only half culti- 
 vated, with the natural instincts of woman in abeyance, and 
 
1 84 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 the helpmate of man degraded into the position of his servant, 
 and his plaything, can it be expected that the mind should 
 give glory to the countenance, or Dante's " Lawn/peg gwr del 
 angelica riso " illume the face of her whose soul belongs to her 
 husband, not to herself ? 
 
 " And how do the Mormon ladies like polygamy ? " was the 
 next question which everybody asked Artemus Ward and 
 myself on our return home. "Whatever their woes are, they 
 keep them to themselves, and. do not disclose them to casual 
 travellers. Some of the more strong-minded among them may 
 consider it to be a commendable institution. Mrs Belinda M. 
 Pratt, for instance, in a published letter of hers to a " dear 
 sister," says — 
 
 " The polygamic law of G-od opens to all vigorous, healthy, 
 and virtuous women a door by which they may become 
 honourable wives of virtuous men, and mothers of faithful, 
 virtuous, healthy, and vigorous children. Do not let your 
 prejudices and traditions keep you from believing the Bible, 
 nor from your seat in the kingdom of heaven among the royal 
 family of polygamists ! " 
 
 Mrs Belinda Marden Pratt is not like most women. 
 
 " Do you mean to say that you could not love three wives ?" 
 was the question addressed to me ! by a very pretty Mormon 
 lady, whose husband was sealed to :Wo besides herself. "I 
 am sorry for you," she added, " because it shows that grace 
 has never triumphed in you." On inquiry, I found that she 
 was the favourite of her husband, that wife No. 2 was a ser- 
 vant in the house, and that wife No. 1 lived in an outhouse, 
 at the end of the garden, and never came into the parlour of 
 the principal residence. 
 
 The best proof of the female population being discontented 
 with their position is furnished by some extracts from sermons 
 preached by Brigham Young and Heber C. Kimball, published 
 in the "Deseret News," and quoted by the Honourable John 
 Cradlebaugh, in his speech against the admission of Utah as 
 
INTRODUCTION. 185 
 
 a State of the Union. In one of these, Brigham thus addresses 
 his flock : — 
 
 " Now for my proposition : it is more particularly for my sisters, as it 
 is frequently happening that women say — they are unhappy. Men will say, 
 ' My wife, though a most excellent woman, has not seen a happy day since" 
 I took my first wife ;' ' No, not a happy day for a year,' says one, and 
 another has not seen a happy day for five years. It is said that women 
 are tied down and abused ; that they are misused, and have not the liberty 
 they ought to have ; that many of them are wading through a perfect 
 flood of tears, because of the conduct of some men, together with their 
 own folly. 
 
 " I wish my women to understand that what I am going to say is for 
 them, as well as for all others, and I want those who are here to tell their 
 sisters that I am going to give you from this time to the Sixth day of 
 October next for reflection, that you may determine whether you wish to 
 stay with your husbands or not, and then I am going to Bet every woman 
 at liberty, and say to them — ' Now go your way ; my women with the 
 rest, go your way.' And my wives have got to do one of two things ; 
 either round up their shoulders to bear the afflictions of this world and 
 live their religion, or they may leave ; for I will not have them about me. 
 I will go into heaven alone, rather than have scratching and fightiDg 
 around me. 
 
 " Sisters, I am not joking. I do not throw out my proposition to 
 banter your feelings, to see whether you will leave your husbands, all or 
 any of you. But I do know that there is no cessation to the everlasting 
 whinings of many of the women in this territory ; and if the women will 
 turn from the commandments of God, and continue to despise the order 
 of heaven, I will pray that the curse of the Almighty may be close to their 
 heels, and that it may be following them all the day long. And those 
 that enter into it and are faithful, I will promise that they shall be queens 
 in heaven and rulers to all eternity." — Deseret News, Sept. 21, 1856. 
 
 Than the above extract no better authority could be adduced 
 for the statement frequently made that the women of Utah are 
 unhappy. In what light they are regarded by the men may 
 be judged from the fact, that Heber C. Kimball, the next in 
 office to Brigham, frequently mentions his wives by the endear- 
 ing appellation of his " cows ! " 
 
 "What will become of this strangely-constituted imperium in 
 imperio which Mormonism has built up- in the heart of the 
 
1 86 INTRO D UCTION. 
 
 American desert, and under the flag of the United States, is 
 for the future to make evident. The generality of the Mor- 
 mon population seem firmly to believe that they are to be the 
 ruling race in America, but whether the leaders and principal 
 men honestly think so is very doubtful. In the event of 
 another liegira, rumour points to the Sandwich Islands as the 
 place where Mormonism will yet more fully develop itself. 
 
 One fact relative to Salt Lake City deserves to be noticed, 
 as it is very indicative of the present state of intellectual 
 culture among the inhabitants. When Artemus was there, I 
 could not find a book-shop in the whole place.. The nearest 
 approaches to one were some very old books at a grocery store 
 near the hotel, and the store kept by W. W. Phelps, whose 
 name occurs in the following pages. A notice in the window 
 of the latter informed the passer-by that dried apples were 
 taken in exchange for almanacs. Amongst the dust and rub- 
 bish inside two or three old books were discernible. Sadly in 
 want of literature, and hunting over the extensive Gentile 
 store of Mr Walker, who deals in silks, coffee, treacle, muslins, 
 medicines, and cart-wheels, two volumes were discovered for 
 sale: an old volume on "The Art of Shoeing Horses," and 
 "Aurora Leigh," by Mrs Browning; Mr Walker asked ten 
 dollars for the shoeing book, three for Mrs Browning, and 
 offered to throw in a spotted cravat, if a purchase were made of 
 both. 
 
 Coming along in the coach over the plains from Salt Lake, I 
 was separated for atime from Artemus. In the coach with me 
 were three exceedingly jolly Mormons. One was Mr John 
 Young, a very intelligent son of Brigham's, another was Bishop 
 Staines, Librarian of the Utah Library, and the third Mr 
 Hiram Clawson, manager of the theatre and son-in-law to 
 Brigham Young. All three were " saints," and each of them 
 had two or three wives at home in Utah. They were travel- 
 ling east on various errands, one of which was to purchase 
 dresses and negotiate' for gasworks for the theatre. A conver- 
 
INTRODUCTION. 187 
 
 sation arose on the subject why it is that the outer world ex- 
 presses disgust or scorn at Mormon doings. " What cause is 
 there to sneer or to make fun of us % " asked the elder of the 
 party. I remembered that the three had not long since joined 
 in the chorus of " Rip ! slap ! set him up again," the original 
 American version of the modern vulgar ditty of " Slap, bang !" 
 and I replied by asking if they thought that there was nothing 
 ridiculous in a " saint " going to New York to buy a theatrical 
 wardrobe, or in three " saints,'' one of whom was a bishop, 
 yelling in chorus the wretched nonsense of " Rip, slap." The 
 expression of their countenances told me that they thought me 
 to be absurd, not themselves. 
 
 Using the material gleaned by him during his visit to Utah, 
 Artemus Ward has constructed an entertainment very popular 
 at the present moment throughout the United States, and 
 which he promises to bring to England. Here are a few of the 
 recent notes and rules appended to his present programme : — 
 
 * * 
 
 lj3" Soldiers on the battle-field will be admitted to this Entertainment 
 
 gratis. 
 
 * 
 
 IgaT The Indians on the Overland Route live on Routes and Herbes. 
 
 They are an intemperate people. They drink with impunity, or anybody 
 
 who invites them. 
 
 * 
 
 * * 
 
 H8t Artemus Ward delivered Lectures before 
 
 ALL THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE 
 
 ever thought of delivering lectures. 
 
 The festivities will be commenced by the pianist, a gentleman who used 
 to board in the same street with Mr Gottschalk. The man who kept the 
 boarding-house remembers it distinctly. The overture will consist of a 
 medley of airs, including the touching new ballads, "Dear Sister, is 
 there any Pie in the House?" "My gentle Father, have you any 
 Fine Cut about you ?" "Mother, is the Battle o'er, and is it Safe for 
 me to Come Home from Canada?" and (by request of many families who 
 
1 88 INTRODUCTION. 
 
 haven't heard it) "Tramp, Tramp, Tramp, the Boys are Munching!" 
 While the enraptured ear drinks in this Sweet music [we pay our pianist 
 nine dollars a week and "find him"] the eye will be enchained by the 
 magnificent green baize covering of the Panorama. This green baize cost 
 forty cents a yard at Mr Stewart's store. It was bought in deference to 
 the present popularity of "The Wearing o' the Green." We shall keep 
 up with the times, if we spend the last dollar our friends have got. 
 
 l^T Those of the Audience who do not feel offended with Artemus Ward 
 are cordially invited to call upon him, often, at his fine new house in 
 Brooklyn. His house is on the right hand side as you cross the Ferry, and 
 may be easily distinguished from the other houses by its having a Cupola 
 and a Mortgage on it. 
 
 Main Street, East Side. — The Salt Lake House, &c. It is a temper- 
 ance Hotel. In fact the Maine Law is rigidly enforced in Utah. 
 
 She's the most distressful country that ever yet has bin, 
 They're imprisonin' men and women there for sellin' of the gin. 
 
 The Mormon Theatre. — Romeo and Juliet, with ten Juliets. — It is 
 confusing to Eomeo, and when Juliet asks — ' ' Wherefore art thou Borneo V 
 Komy answers that he don't know, aewrcdy, wherabout's he 's gone to. 
 
 83" An Intermission of five minutes will occur here, so the Lecturer 
 can go across the street to " see a man." The Pianist, however, will mean- 
 while practise some new music. «^i 
 
 Following these notes and rules come some burlesque press 
 notices ; the places to which the papers are accredited are the 
 most out-of-the-way and ridiculous little places in the United 
 States. I select some of these bizarre critiques : — 
 
 From the Sheyloygan (Wisconsin) Bugle of Liberty. 
 Artemus Ward.— This great lecturer called on us to-day and ordered 
 quite a lot of Job Printing. We consider him one of the greatest lecturers 
 in this country. 
 
 From the STcowliegan (Maiue) Clarion. 
 Although his style is different from Washington Irving's, we cannot be 
 blind to the fact that Mr Irving's style is different from his. 
 
INTRODUCTION. 189 
 
 From the Rahway Gazette. 
 Not a dry eye in the audience. Many could have borrowed money of 
 him on the spot. 
 
 From the Hobohen Expounder. 
 No family should be without him. 
 
 From the Keokuk (Iowa) Banner. 
 We don't know when we have been more so. 
 
 With regard to Artemus Ward's Entertainment I have only 
 to say, using a novel and poetic frase, " It must be seen to be 
 believed." It is the manner of the man even more than his 
 matter which attracts large audiences. His singularly sparse 
 form, his comic profile, the prominence of one particular fea- 
 ture of his face, the way he has of saying good things, as if 
 perfectly unconscious of what he is saying, and the habit he 
 has of punctuating his sentences by twiddling a little black 
 cane, are all powerful aids to him as a lecturer. In his esxoteric 
 developments he is the most mirthful of men, and those who 
 know him intimately, as. I do, know him to be as gentle-hearted 
 as he is genial, as candid as he is cordial, as true as he is 
 talented. 
 
 Edward P. Hingston. 
 
 London, 1865. 
 
PART I. 
 
 ON THE RAMPAGE. 
 
 i.— ON THE STEAMER. 
 
 New York, Oct. 13, 1863. 
 The steamer Ariel starts for California at noon. 
 
 Her decks are crowded with excited passengers, who in- 
 sanely undertake to "look after" their trunks and things; 
 and what with our smashing against each other, and the yells 
 of the porters, and the wails over lost baggage, and the crash 
 of boxes, and the roar of the boilers, we are for the time- 
 being about as unhappy a lot of maniacs as were ever thrown 
 together. 
 
 I am one of them. I am rushing round with a glaring eye 
 in search of a box. 
 
 Great jam, in which I find a sweet young lady, with golden 
 hair, clinging to me fondly, and saying, "Dear George, fare- 
 well I" — Discovers her mistake, and disappears. 
 
 I should like to be George some more. , 
 
 Confusion so great that I seek' refuge in a state-room, which 
 contains a single lady of forty-five summers, who says, " Base 
 man ! — leave me ! " I leave her. 
 
 By and by we cool down, and become somewhat regulated. 
 
ON THE STEAMER. 191 
 
 Next Bay. 
 When the gong sounds for breakfast, we are fairly out on 
 the sea, which runs roughly, and the Ariel rocks wildly. 
 Many of the passengers are sick, and a young naval officer 
 establishes a reputation as a wit by carrying to one of the in- 
 valids a plate of raw salt pork, swimming in cheap molasses. 
 I am not sick ; so I roll round the deck in the most cheerful 
 sea-dog manner. 
 
 The next day and the next pass by in a serene manner. 
 The waves are smooth now, and we can all eat and sleep. 
 We might have enjoyed ourselves very well, I fancy, if the 
 Ariel, whose capacity was about three hundred and fifty pas- 
 sengers, had not on this occasion carried nearly nine hundred, 
 a hundred at least of whom were children of an unpleasant 
 age. Captain Semmes captured the Ariel once, and it is to 
 be deeply regretted that that thrifty buccaneer hadn't made 
 mince-meat of her ; because she is a miserable tub at best, and 
 hasn't much more right to be afloat than a second-hand coffin 
 has. I do not 'know her proprietor, Mr C. Vanderbilt ; but I 
 know of several excellent mill privileges in the State of Maine, 
 and not one of them is so thoroughly Dam'd as he was all the 
 way from New York to Aspinwall. 
 
 I had far rather say a pleasant thing than a harsh one ; but 
 it is due to the large number of respectable ladies and gentle- 
 men, who were on board the steamer Ariel .with me, that I 
 state here that the accommodations on that steamer were 
 very vile. If I did not so state, my conscience would sting 
 me through life, and I should have horrid dreams like 
 Eichard III., Esq. 
 
 The proprietor apparently thought we were undergoing 
 transportation for life to some lonely island, and the very 
 waiters, who brought us meats that any warden of any peni- 
 tentiary would blush to offer convicts, seemed to think it was 
 a glaring error our not being it chains. 
 
192 THE ISTHMUS. 
 
 . As a specimen of the liberal manner in which this steamer 
 was managed, I will mention that the purser (a very pleasant 
 person, by the way) was made to unite the positions of purser, 
 baggage-clerk, and doctor ; and I one day had a lurking sus- 
 picion that he was among the waiters in the dining-cabin, dis- 
 guised in a white jacket and slipshod pumps. 
 
 I have spoken my Piece * about the Ariel, and I hope Mr 
 Vanderbilt will reform ere it is too late. Dr Watts says the 
 vilest sinner may- return as long as the gas-meters work well, 
 or words to that effect. 
 
 We were so densely crowded on board the Arid, that I 
 cannot conscientiously say we were altogether happy. And 
 sea-voyages at best are a little stupid. On the whole, I 
 . should prefer a voyage on the Erie Canal, where there isn't 
 any danger, and where you can carry picturesque scenery 
 along with you — so to speak. 
 
 2.— THE ISTHMUS. 
 
 On the ninth day we reach Aspinwall, in the Bepublic of 
 Grenada. The President of New Grenada is a Central 
 American' named Mosquero. I was told that he derived quite 
 a portion of his income by carrying passengers' valises and 
 things from the steamer to the hotels in Aspinwall. It was 
 an infamous falsehood. Fancy A. Lincoln carrying carpet- 
 bags and things ! and indeed I should rather trust him with 
 them than Mosquero, because the former gentleman, as I 
 think some one has before observed, is " honest." 
 
 I intrust my bag to a speckled native, who confidentially 
 
 * ti . 
 
 ' Speak a piece." — A common phrase among children in New England, 
 having reference to a school recitation. " Artemus Ward will speak a 
 piece," was the way in which Artemus announced his lectures for many 
 years. 
 
THE ISTHMUS. 193 
 
 gives me to understand that he is the only strictly honest 
 person in Aspinwall. The rest, he says, are niggers — which 
 the coloured people of the Isthmus regard as about as scathing 
 a thing as they can say of one another. 
 
 I examine the New Grenadian flag, which waves from the 
 chamber-window of a refreshment saloon. It is of simple 
 design. ■ You can make one. 
 
 Take half of a cotton shirt, that has been worn two months, 
 and dip it in molasses of the Day and Martin brand. Then 
 let the flies gambol over it for a few days, and you have it. It 
 is an emblem of Sweet Liberty. 
 
 At the Howard House the man of sin rubbeth the hair of 
 the horse to the bowels of the cat, and our girls are waving 
 their lily-white hoofs in the dazzling waltz. 
 
 We have a quadrille, in which an English person slips up 
 and jams his massive brow against my stomach. He apolo- 
 gises, and I say, "All right, my lord." I subsequently 
 ascertained that he superintended the shipping of coals for 
 the British steamers, and owned fighting cocks. 
 
 The ball stops suddenly. 
 
 Great excitement. One of our passengers intoxicated and 
 riotous in the street. Openly and avowedly desires the entire 
 Kepublic of New Grenada to " come on." 
 
 In case they do come on, agrees to make it lively for them. 
 Is quieted down at last, and marched off to prison by a squad 
 of Grenadian troops. Is musical as he passes the hotel, and, 
 smiling sweetly upon the ladies and children on the balcony, 
 expresses a distinct desire to be an Angel, and with the Angels 
 stand. After which he leaps nimbly into the air, and imitates 
 the war-cry of the red man. 
 
 The natives amass wealth by carrying valises,' &c, then 
 squander it for liquor. My native comes to me as I sit on 
 the verandah of the Howard House smoking a cigar, and 
 solicits the job of taking my things to the cars next morning. 
 
194 THE ISTHMUS. 
 
 He is intoxicated, and has been fighting, to the palpable detri- 
 ment of his wearing apparel, for he has only a pair of. tattered 
 pantaloons and a very small quantity of shirt left. 
 
 We go to bed. Eight of us are assigned to a small den up- 
 stairs, with only two lame apologies for beds. 
 
 Mosquitoes and even rats annoy us fearfully. One bold rat 
 gnaws at the feet of a young Englishman in the party. This 
 was more than the young Englishman could stand, and rising 
 from his bed he asked us if New Grenada wasn't a Kepublic 1 
 We said it was. " I thought so," he said. " Of course I mean 
 no disrespect to the United States of America in the remark, 
 but I think. I prefer a bloated monarchy ! " He smiled sadly 
 — then handing his purse and his mother's photograph to 
 another English person, he whispered softly, " If I am eaten 
 up, give them to Me mother — tell her I died like a true Briton, 
 with no faith whatever in 1 the success of a republican form of 
 government ! " And then he crept back to bed again. 
 
 We start at seven the next morning for Panama. 
 
 My native comes bright and early to transport my carpet 
 sack to the railway station. His clothes have suffered still 
 more during the night, for he comes to me now dressed only 
 in a small rag and one boot. 
 
 At last we are off. "Adios, Americanos !," the natives cry; 
 to which I pleasantly reply, "Adous I and long may it be be- 
 fore you have a chance to Do us again." 
 
 The cars are comfortable on the Panama railway, and the 
 country through which we pass is very beautiful. But it will 
 not do to trust it much, because it breeds fevers and other un- 
 pleasant disorders at all seasons of the year. Like a girl we 
 most all have known, the Isthmus is fair but false. 
 
 There are mud huts all along the route, and half-naked 
 savages gaze patronisingly upon us from their door-ways. An 
 elderly lady in spectacles appears to be much scandalised by 
 
THE ISTHMUS. 195 
 
 the scant dress of these people, and wants to know why the 
 Select Men don't put a stop to it. From this, and a remark 
 she incidentally makes about her son who has invented a 
 washing machine which will wash, wring, and dry a shirt in 
 ten minutes, I infer that she is from the hills of Old New 
 England, like the Hutchinson family. * 
 
 The Central American is lazy. The dnly exercise he ever 
 takes is to occasionally produce a Eevolution. When his feet 
 begin to swell and there are premonitory symptoms of gout, 
 he "revolushes" a spell, and then serenely returns to his 
 cigarette and hammock under the palm trees. 
 
 These Central American Republics are queer concerns. I 
 do not, of course, precisely know what a last year's calf's ideas 
 of immortal glory may be, but probably they are about as 
 lucid as those of a Central American in regard to a republican 
 form of government. 
 
 And yet I am told they are a kindly people in the main. I 
 never met but one of them — a Costa-Rican, on board the Arid. 
 He lay sick with fever, and I went to him and took his hot 
 hand gently in mine. I shall never forget his look of gratitude. 
 And the next day he borrowed five dollars of me, shedding 
 tears as he put it in his pocket. 
 
 At Panama we lose several of our passengers, , and among 
 them three Peruvian ladies, who go to Lima, the city of vol- 
 canic irruptions and veiled black-eyed beauties. 
 
 The Senoritas who leave us at Panama are splendid crea- 
 tures. They learned + me Spanish, and in the soft moonlight we 
 walked on deck and talked of the land of Pizarro. (You know 
 old Piz. conquered Peru ! and although he was not educated 
 
 * Alluding to a musical family, whose entertainment was once very 
 popular in England. 
 
 t This use of the verb to learn, uncouth as it sounds to an English ear, 
 is very common in the United States. 
 
ig6 MEXICO. 
 
 at West Point, he had still some military talent.) I feel as 
 though I had lost all my relations, including my grandmother 
 and the cooking stove, when these gay young Senoritas go 
 
 They do not go to Peru on a Peruvian bark, but on an 
 
 English steamer. 
 
 We find the St Louis, the steamer awaiting us at Panama, 
 a cheerful and well-appointed boat, and commanded by Capt. 
 Hudson. 
 
 3.— MEXICO. 
 
 We make Acapulco, a Mexican coast town of some import- 
 ance, in a few days, and all go ashore. 
 
 The pretty peasant girls peddle necklaces made of shells, 
 and oranges, in the streets of Acapulco, on steamer days. 
 They are quite naive about it. Handing you a necklace, they 
 will say, " Me give you ■pres-ent, Senor," and then retire with 
 a low curtsey. Returning, however, in a few moments, they 
 say, quite sweetly, " You give me ■pves-ent, Senor, of quarter 
 dollar ! " which you at once do unless you have a heart of 
 stone. 
 
 Acapulco was shelled by the French a year or so before our 
 arrival there, and they effected a landing. But the gay and 
 gallant Mexicans peppered them so persistently and effectually 
 from the mountains near by that they concluded to sell out 
 and leave. 
 
 Napoleon has no right in Mexico. Mexico may deserve a 
 licking. That is possible enough. Most people do. But 
 nobody has any right to lick Mexico except the United States. 
 We have a right, I flatter myself, to lick this entire continent, 
 including ourselves, any time we want to. 
 
MEXICO. 197 
 
 The signal gun is fired at 11, and we go off to the steamer 
 in small boats. 
 
 In our boat is an inebriated United States official, who flings 
 his spectacles overboard, and sings a flippant and absurd song 
 about his grandmother's spotted calf, with his ri-fol-lol-tiddery- 
 i-do. After which he crumbles, in an incomprehensible man- 
 ner, into the bottom of the boat, and howls dismally. 
 
 We reach Manzanillo, another coast place, twenty-four hours 
 after leaving Acapulco. Manzanillo is a little Mexican village, 
 and looked very wretched indeed, sweltering away there on 
 the hot sands. But it is a port of some importance, neverthe- 
 less, because a great deal of merchandise finds its way to the 
 interior from there. The white and green flag of Mexico floats 
 from a red steam-tug (the navy of Mexico, by the way, consists 
 of two tugs, a disabled raft, and a basswood life-preserver), 
 and the Captain of the Port comes off to us in his small boat, 
 climbs up the side of the St Louis, and folds the healthy form 
 of Captain Hudson to his breast. There is no wharf here, and 
 we have to anchor off the town. 
 
 There was a wharf, but the enterprising Mexican peasantry, 
 who subsist by poling merchandise ashore in dug-outs, indig- 
 nantly tore it up. We take on here some young Mexicans, 
 from Colima, who are going to California. They are of the 
 better class, and one young man (who was educated in Madrid) 
 speaks English rather better than I write it. Be careful not 
 to admire any article of an educated Mexican's dress, because 
 if you do he will take it right off and give it to you, and some- 
 times this might be awkward. 
 
 I said ! " What a beautiful cravat you wear ! " 
 
 " It is yours ! " he exclaimed, quickly unbuckling it ; and I 
 could not induce him to take it. back again. 
 
 I am glad I did not tell his sister, who was with him, and 
 with whom I was lucky enough to get acquainted, what a 
 beautiful white hand she had. She might have given it to me 
 on the spot ; and that, as she had soft eyes, a queenly form, 
 
198 CALIFORNIA. 
 
 and a half million or so in her own right, would have made 
 me feel had. 
 
 Reports reached us here of high-handed robberies by the 
 banditti all along the road to the City of Mexico. They steal 
 clothes as well as coin. A few days since the mail coach 
 entered the city with all the passengers stark-naked. They 
 must have felt mortified. 
 
 4.— CALIFORNIA. 
 
 We reach San Francisco one Sunday afternoon. I am driven 
 to the Occidental Hotel by a kind-hearted hackman, who states 
 that inasmuch as I have come out there to amuse people, he 
 will only charge me five dollars. I pay it in gold, of course, 
 because greenbacks are not current on the Pacific coast. 
 
 Many of the citizens of San Francisco remember the 
 Sabbath-day to keep it jolly ; and the theatres, the circus, the 
 minstrels, and the music halls are all in full blast to-night. 
 
 I " compromise " and go to the Chinese theatre, thinking, 
 perhaps, there can be no great harm in listening to worldly 
 sentiments when expressed in a language I don't understand. 
 
 The Chinaman at the door takes my ticket with the remark, 
 " Ki hi-lii ki ! Shoolah ! " 
 
 And I tell him that on the whole I think he is right. 
 
 The Chinese play is " continued," like a Ledger* story, from 
 night to night. It commences with the birth of the hero or 
 heroine, which interesting event occurs publicly on the stage ; 
 and then follows him or her down to the grave, where it cheer- 
 fully ends. 
 
 Sometimes a Chinese play lasts six months. The play I am 
 speaking of had been going on for about two months. The 
 heroine had grown up into womanhood, and was on the point, 
 
 * Alluding to the "to be continued" stories in the Nevi York Weekly 
 Ledger, a paper of great circulation. 
 
CALIFORNIA. 199 
 
 as I inferred, of being married to a young Chinaman in spangled 
 pantaloons and a long black tail. The bride's father comes in 
 with his arms full of tea chests, and bestows them, with his' 
 blessing, upon the happy couple. As this play is to run four 
 months longer, however, and as my time is limited, I go away 
 at the close of the second act, while the orchestra is perform- 
 ing an overture on gongs and one-stringed fiddles. 
 
 The doorkeeper again says, " Ki hi-hi ki ! Shoolah ! " adding 
 this time, however, " Chow-wow." I agree with him in regard 
 to the ki hi and hi M, but tell him I don't feel altogether cer- 
 tain about the cliow-wow. 
 
 To Stockton from San Francisco. 
 
 Stockton is a beautiful town, and has ceased to think of be- 
 coming a very large place, and has quietly settled down into a 
 state of serene prosperity. I have my boots repaired here by 
 an artist who informs me that he studied in the penitentiary; 
 and I visit the lunatic asylum, where I encounter a vivacious 
 maniac who invites me to ride in a chariot drawn by eight 
 lions and a rhinoceros. 
 
 John Phoenix* was once stationed at Stockton, and. put his 
 mother aboard the San Francisco boat one morning with the 
 sparkling remark, " Dear mother, be virtuous and you will be 
 happy!" 
 
 Forward to Sacramento — which is the capital of the State, 
 and a very nice old town. ' 
 
 They had a flood here some years ago, during which several 
 blocks of buildings sailed out of town and have never been 
 heard from since. A Chinaman concluded to leave in a wash- 
 tub, and actually set sail in one of those fragile barks. A 
 drowning man hailed him piteously, thus : " Throw me a rope, 
 oh, throw me a rope ! " To which the Chinaman excitedly 
 
 * A celebrated humorist, whose writings were once very popular in the 
 United States. 
 
200 CALIFORNIA. 
 
 cried, " No have got — how can do 1 " and went on, on with 
 the howling current. He was never seen more; but a few 
 weeks after his tail was found by some Sabbath-school chil- 
 dren in the north part of the State. 
 
 I go to the mountain towns. The sensational mining days 
 are over, but I find the people jolly and hospitable never- 
 theless. 
 
 At Nevada I am called upon, shortly after my arrival, by 
 an athletic scarlet-faced man, who politely says his name is 
 Blaze. 
 
 " I have a little bill against you, sir," he observes. 
 
 "A bill— what for?". 
 
 " For drinks." 
 
 "Drinks?" 
 
 " Yes, sir — at my bar, I keep the well-known and highly- 
 respected coffee-house down street." 
 
 " But, my dear sir, there is a mistake — I never drank at 
 your bar in my life." 
 
 " I know it, sir. That isn't the point. The point is this 
 I pay out money for good liquors, and it is people's own fault 
 if they don't drink them. There are the liquors — do as you 
 please about drinking them, but you must pay for them ! Isn't 
 that fair?" 
 
 His enormous body (which Puck wouldn't put a girdle round 
 for forty dollars) shook gleefully while I read this eminently 
 original bill. 
 
 Years ago Mr Blaze was an agent of the California Stage 
 Company. There was a formidable, and well-organised oppo- 
 sition to the California Stage Company at that time, and Mr 
 Blaze rendered them such signal service in his capacity of. 
 agent that they were very sorry when he tendered his resig-. 
 nation. 
 
 "You are some sixteen hundred dollars behind in your 
 accounts, Mr Blaze," said the President, " but in view of your 
 
CALIFORNIA. 201 
 
 faithful and efficient services, we shall throw off eight hundred 
 dollars of that amount." 
 
 Mr Blaze seemed touched by this generosity. A tear stood 
 in his eye, and his bosom throbbed audibly. 
 
 " You will throw off eight hundred dollars — you will ? " he 
 at last cried, seizing the President's hand, and pressing it 
 passionately to his lips. 
 
 " I will," returned the President. 
 
 " Well, sir," said Mr Blaze, " I 'm a gentleman, I am, you 
 bet ! And I won't allow no Stage Company to surpass me in 
 politeness. I'll throw off the other eight hundred dollars, and 
 we '11 call it square ! No gratitude, sir — no thanks ; it is my 
 duty." 
 
 I get back to San Francisco in a few weeks, and am to start 
 home Overland from here. 
 
 The distance from Sacramento to Atchisonj Kansas, by the 
 Overland stage route, is 2200 miles, but you can happily accom- 
 plish a part of the journey by railroad. The Pacific Eailroad is 
 completed twelve miles to Folsom,* leaving only 2188 miles to 
 go by stage. This breaks the monotony ; but as it is mid- 
 winter, and as there are well substantiated reports of overland 
 passengers freezing to death, and of the Piute savages being 
 in one of their sprightly moods when they scalp people, I do 
 not — I may say that I do not leave the capital of California 
 in a light-hearted and joyous manner. But " leaves have 
 their time to fall," and I have my time to leave, which is 
 now. 
 
 We ride all day and all night, and ascend and descend some 
 of the most frightful hills I ever saw. We make Johnson's 
 Pass, which is 6752 feet high, about two o'clock in the morn- 
 ing, and go down the great Kingsbury grade with locked 
 wheels. The driver, with whom I sit outside, informs me, as 
 * Artemus is in error. The distance is and was twenty-two miks. 
 
202 WASHOE. 
 
 we slowly roll down this fearful mountain road, which looks 
 down on either side into an appalling ravine, that he has met 
 accidents in his time, and cost the California Stage Company 
 a great deal of money; "because," he says, "juries is agin us 
 on principle, and every man who sues us is sure to recover. 
 But it will never be so agin, not with me, you bet." 
 
 " How is that V I said. 
 
 It was frightfully dark. It was snowing withal, and not- 
 withstanding the brakes were kept hard down, the ' coach 
 slewed wildly, often fairly touching the brink of the black 
 precipice 1 " 
 
 "How is that?" I said. 
 
 " Why, you see," he replied, " that corpses never sue for 
 damages, but maimed people do. And the next time I have 
 an overturn I shall go round and keerfully examine the pas- 
 sengers. Them as is dead, I shall let alone ; but them as is 
 mutilated I shall finish with the king-bolt ! Dead folks don't 
 sue. They ain't on it." 
 
 Thus with anecdote did this driver cheer me up. 
 
 5.— WASHOE. 
 
 We reach Carson City about nine o'clock in the morning. It 
 is the capital of the silver-producing territory of Nevada.* 
 
 They shoot folks here somewhat, and the law is rather par- 
 tial than otherwise to firskclass murderers. 
 
 I visit the territorial prison, and the warder points out the 
 prominent convicts to me, thus : 
 
 " This man's crime was horse-stealing. He is here for life. 
 
 " This man is in for murder. He is here for three years." 
 
 But shooting isn't as popular in Nevada as it once was. A 
 
 * Nevada was then a territory. It is now a State of the Union. 
 
WASHOE. 203 
 
 few years since they used to have a dead man for breakfast* 
 every morning. A reformed desperado told me that he sup- 
 posed he had killed men enough to stock a graveyard. " A 
 feeling of remorse," he said, " sometimes comes over me ! But 
 I'm an altered man now. I. hain't killed a man for over two 
 weeks ! What '11 yer poison yourself with ? " he added, deal- 
 ing a resonant blow on the bar. 
 
 There used to live near Carson City a notorious desperado, 
 who never visited town without killing somebody. He would 
 call for liquor at ' some drinking-house, and if anybody de- 
 clined joining him he would at once commence shooting. But 
 one day he shot a man too many. Going into St Nicholas 
 drinking-house, he asked the company present to join him in 
 a North American drink. One individual was rash enough to 
 refuse. With a look of sorrow rather than of anger, the des- 
 perado revealed his revolver, and said, " Good God ! Must I 
 kill a man every time I come to Carson 1 " and so saying he 
 fired and killed the individual on the spot. But this was the 
 last murder the bloodthirsty miscreant ever committed, for the 
 aroused citizens pursued him with rifles and shot him down in 
 his own door-yard. 
 
 I lecture in the theatre at Carson, which opens out of a 
 drinking and gambling house. On each side of the door 
 where my ticket-taker stands there are monte-boards and 
 sweat-cloths t, but they are deserted to-night, the gamblers 
 being evidently of a literary turn of mind. 
 
 Five years ago there was only a pony-path over the pre- 
 cipitous hills on which now stands the marvellous city of 
 
 * " Dead man for breakfast " — a common phrase in California by which 
 to designate a murdered man. 
 
 f Implements of gambling common enough in the Far West. 
 
204 WASHOE. 
 
 Virginia, with its population of twelve thousand persons, and 
 perhaps more ; — Virginia, with its stately warehouses and gay 
 shops, its splendid streets, paved with silver ore, its banking- 
 houses and faro-banks, its attractive coffee-houses and elegant 
 theatre, its music halls and its three daily newspapers. 
 
 Virginia is very wild, but I believe it is now pretty gene- 
 rally believed that a mining city must go through with a certain 
 amount of unadulterated cussedness before it can settle down 
 and behave itself in a conservative and seemly manner. Vir- 
 ginia has grown up in the heart of the richest silver regions in 
 the world, the El Dorado of the hour ; and of the immense 
 numbers who are swarming thither not more than half carry 
 their mother's Bible or any settled religion with them. The 
 gambler and the strange woman as naturally seek the new 
 sensational town as ducks take to that element which is so 
 useful for making cocktails and- bathing one's feet ; and these 
 people make the new town rather warm for a while. But 
 by and by the earnest and honest citizens get tired of this 
 ungodly nonsense, and organise a Vigilance Committee, which 
 hangs the more vicious of the pestiferous crowd to a sour 
 apple-tree ; and then come good municipal laws, ministers, 
 meeting-houses, and a tolerably sober police in blue coats with 
 brass buttons. About five thousand able-bodied men are in 
 the mines underground here; some as far down as five hundred 
 feet. The Gould & Curry Mine employs nine hundred men, 
 and annually turns out about twenty million dollars' worth of 
 " demnition gold and silver," as Mr Mantalini might express it 
 — though silver chiefly. 
 
 There are many other mines here and at Gold Hill (another 
 startling silver city, a mile from here), all of which do nearly 
 as well. The silver is melted' down into bricks of the size of 
 common house bricks ; then it is loaded into huge waggons, 
 each drawn by eight and twelve mules, and sent off to San Fran- 
 cisco. To a young person fresh from the land of greenbacks 
 this careless manner of carting off solid silver is rather of a 
 
WASHOE. 205 
 
 startler.* It is related that a young man who came Overland 
 from New Hampshire a few months before my arrival, became 
 so excited about it that he fell in a fit, with the name of his 
 Uncle Amos on his lips. The hardy miners supposed he 
 wanted his uncle there to see the great sight, and faint with 
 him. But this was pure conjecture after all. 
 
 I visit several of the adjacent mining towns, but I do not go 
 to Aurora. No, I think not. A lecturer on psychology was 
 killed there the other night by the playful discharge of a 
 horse-pistol in the hands of a degenerate and intoxicated 
 Spaniard. This circumstance, and a rumour that the citizens 
 are agin literature, induce me to go back to Virginia. 
 
 I had pointed out to me at a restaurant a man who had 
 killed four men in street broils, and who had that very day 
 cut his own brother's breast open in a dangerous manner with 
 a small supper knife. He was a gentleman, however. I heard 
 him tell some men so. He admitted it himself. • And I don't 
 think he would lie about a little thing like that. 
 
 The theatre at Virginia will attract the attention of the 
 stranger, because it is an unusually elegant affair of the kind, 
 and would be so regarded anywhere. It was built, of course, 
 by Mr Thomas Maguire, the Napoleonic manager of the 
 Pacific, and who has built over twenty theatres in his time, 
 and will perhaps build as many more, unless somebody stops 
 him — which, by the way, will not be a remarkably easy thing 
 to do. 
 
 As soon as a mining camp begins to assume the proportions 
 of a city, at about the time the whisky-vendor draws his 
 cork or the gambler spreads his green cloth, Maguire opens a 
 theatre, and with a hastily organised " Vigilance Committee " 
 of actors, commences to execute Shakspeare. 
 
 * In San Francisco I was present when Artemus Ward enjoyed the 
 frolic of actually dancing on a floor paved four inches thick with bricks of 
 gold. 
 
206 HORACE GREELEY'S 
 
 6.— MR PEPPER. 
 
 My arrival at Virginia City was signalised by the following 
 incident : — 
 
 I had no sooner achieved my room in the garret of the In- 
 ternational Hotel than I was called upon by an intoxicated 
 man, who said he was an Editor. Knowing how rare it was 
 for an Editor to be under the blighting influence of either 
 spirituous or malt liquors, I received this statement doubtfully. 
 But I said : 
 
 " What name 1 " 
 
 " Wait I" he said, and went out. 
 
 I heard him pacing unsteadily up and down the hall outside. 
 
 In ten minutes he returned, and said : 
 
 "Pepper!" 
 
 Pepper was indeed his name. He had been out to see if he 
 could remember it ; and he was so flushed with his success 
 that he repeated it joyously several times, and then, with a 
 short laugh, he went away. 
 
 I had often heard of a man being " so drunk that he didn't 
 know what town he lived in," but here was a man so hideously 
 inebriated that he didn't know what his name was. 
 
 I saw him no more, but I heard from him ; for he pub- 
 lished a notice of my lecture, in which he said I had a i 
 fated air! 
 
 7.— HORACE GREELEY'S RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 
 
 When Mr Greeley was in California, ovations awaited him at 
 every town. He had written powerful leaders in the Tribune 
 in favour of the Pacific Railroad, which had greatly endeared 
 him to the citizens of the Golden State. And therefore they 
 made much of him when he went to see them. 
 
 At one town the enthusiastic populace tore his celebrated 
 
RIDE TO PLACE RVILLE. 207 
 
 white coat to pieces, and carried the pieces home to remember 
 him. 
 
 The citizens of Placerville prepared to fete the great jour- 
 nalist, and an extra coach, with extra relays of horses, was 
 chartered of the California Stage Company to carry him from 
 Folsom to Placerville — distance, forty miles. The extra was 
 in some way delayed, and did not leave Folsom until late in 
 the afternoon. Mr Greeley was to be fSted at seven o'clock, that 
 evening by the citizens of Placerville, and it was altogether 
 necessary that he should be there by that hour. So the Stage 
 Company said to Henry Monk, the driver of the extra, " Henry, 
 this great man must be there by seven to-night." And Henry 
 answered, " The great man shall be there." 
 
 The roads were in an awful state, and during the first few 
 miles out of Folsom slow progress was made. 
 
 " Sir," said Mr Greeley, " are you aware that I must be at 
 Placerville at seven o'clock to-night 1" 
 
 I 've got my orders !" laconically returned Henry Monk. 
 
 Still the coach dragged slowly forward. 
 
 " Sir," said Mr Greeley, " this is not a trifling matter. I 
 mvsi be there at seven !" 
 
 Again came the answer, " I 've got my orders ! " 
 
 But the speed was not increased, and Mr Greeley chafed 
 away another half-hour; when, as he was again about to 
 remonstrate with the driver, the horses suddenly started into 
 a furious run, and all sorts of encouraging yells filled the air 
 from the throat of Henry Monk. 
 
 " That is right, my good fellow !" cried Mr Greeley. "I'll 
 give you ten dollars when we get to Placerville. Kow we are 
 going!" 
 
 They were indeed, and at a terrible speed. 
 
 Crack, crack ! went the whip, and again " that voice " split 
 the air. "Git up 1 Hiyi! G'long! Yip— yip!" 
 
 And on they tore, over stones and ruts, up hill and down, at 
 a rate of speed never before achieved by stage horses. 
 
208 HORACE GREELEY'S 
 
 Mr Greeley, who had been bouncing from one end of the 
 coach to the other like an india-rubber ball, managed to get 
 his head out of the window, when he said : 
 
 " Do — on't — on't — on't you — u — u think we — e — e — e shall 
 get there by seven if we do — on't — on't go so fast ?" 
 
 " I 've got my orders ! " That was all Henry Monk said. 
 And on tore the coach. 
 
 It was becoming serious. Already the journalist was ex- 
 tremely sore from the terrible jolting, and again his head 
 "might have been seen" at the window. 
 
 " Sir," he said, " I don't care — care — air, if we don't get • 
 there at seven !" 
 
 "I have got my orders!" Fresh horses. Forward again, 
 faster than before. Over rocks and stumps; on one of which 
 the coach narrowly escaped turning a summerset. 
 
 " See here I" shrieked Mr Greeley, " I don't care if we don't 
 get there at all ! " 
 
 "I've got my orders ! I work for the Californy Stage Com- 
 pany, I do. That 's wot I work for. They said, ' Git this man 
 through by seving.' An' this man 's goin through. You bet ! 
 Gerlong ! Whoo-ep ! " 
 
 Another frightful jolt, and Mr Greeley's bald head suddenly 
 found its way through the roof of the coach, amidst the crash 
 of small timbers and the ripping of strong canvas. 
 
 " Stop, you maniac !" he roared. 
 
 Again answered Henry Monk : 
 
 " I 've got my orders ! Keep your seat, Horace !" 
 
 At Mud Springs, a village a few miles from Placerville, 
 they met a large delegation of the citizens of Placerville, who 
 had come out to meet the celebrated editor, and escort him 
 into town. There were a military company, a brass band, and 
 a six-horse waggon-load of beautiful damsels in milk-white 
 dresses, representing all the States in the Union. It was 
 nearly dark now, but the delegation was amply provided with 
 torches, and bonfires blazed all along the road to Placerville. 
 
RIDE TO PLACERVILLE. 209 
 
 The citizens met the coach in the outskirts of Mud Springs, 
 and Mr Monk reined in his foam-covered steeds. 
 
 "Is Mr Greeley on board?" asked the chairman of \he 
 committee. 
 
 " He was a few miles back !" said Mr Monk : " yes," he 
 added, after looking down through the hole which the fearful 
 jolting had made in the coach-roof — " yes, I can see him ! He 
 is there !" 
 
 " Mr Greeley," said the chairman of the committee, pre- 
 senting himself at the window of the coach, " Mr Greeley, 
 
 sir ! We are come to most cordially welcome you, sir why, 
 
 God bless me, sir, you are bleeding at the nose !" 
 
 " I 've got my orders ! " cried Mr Monk. " My orders is as 
 follers : Git him there by seving ! It wants a quarter to sev- 
 ing. Stand out of the way ! " 
 
 "But, sir," exclaimed the committee-man, seizing the off 
 leader by the reins — " Mr Monk, we are come to escort him 
 into town ! Look at the procession, sir, and the brass band, 
 and the people, and the young women, sir ! " 
 
 " I've got my orders ! " screamed Mr Monk. " My orders 
 don't say nothin' about no brass bands and young women. 
 My orders says, ' Git him there by seving ! ' Let go them 
 lines ! Clear the way there ! Whoo-ep ! Keep your seat, 
 Horace ! " and the coach dashed wildly through the proces- 
 sion, upsetting a portion of the brass band, and violently 
 grazing the waggon which contained the beautiful young 
 women in white. 
 
 Years hence gray-haired men, who were little boys in this 
 procession, will tell their grandchildren how this stage tore 
 through Mud Springs, and how Horace Greeley's bald head 
 ever and anon showed itself, like a wild apparition, above the 
 coach-roof. 
 
 Mr Monk was in time. There is a tradition that Mr 
 Greeley was very indignant for a while ; then he laughed, and 
 finally presented Mr Monk with a bran-new suit of clothes. 
 
 
 
TO REESE RIVER. 
 
 Mr Monk himself is still in the employ of the California 
 Stage Company, and is rather fond of relating a story that has 
 made him famous all over the Pacific coast. But he says he 
 yields to no man in his admiration for Horace Greeley. 
 
 8.— TO REESE RIVER. 
 
 I leave Virginia for Great Salt Lake City, via, the Eeese 
 River Silver Diggings. 
 
 There are eight passengers of us inside the coach — which, 
 by the way, isn't a coach, but a Concord covered mud waggon. 
 
 Among the passengers is a genial man of the name of Ryder, 
 who has achieved a wide-spread reputation as a strangler of 
 unpleasant bears in the mountain fastnesses of California, and 
 who is now an eminent Reese River miner. 
 
 We ride night and day, passing through the land of the 
 Piute Indians. Reports reach us that fifteen hundred of these 
 savages are on the rampage, under the command of a red 
 usurper named Buffalo- Jim, who seems to be a sort of Jeff 
 Davis, inasmuch as he and his followers have seceded from the 
 regular Piute organisation. The seceding savages have an- 
 nounced that they shall kill and scalp all pale-faces (which 
 makes our faces pale, I reckon) found loose in that section. 
 We find the guard doubled at all the stations where we change 
 horses, and our passengers nervously examine their pistols and 
 re-adjust the long glittering knives in their belts. I feel in my 
 pockets to see if the key which unlocks the carpet-bag con- 
 taining my revolvers is all right — for I had rather brilliantly 
 locked my deadly weapons up in that article, which was 
 strapped with the other baggage to the rack behind. The 
 passengers frown on me for this carelessness, but the kind- 
 hearted Ryder gives me a small double-barrelled gun, with 
 which I narrowly escape murdering my beloved friend Hing- 
 
TO REESE RIVER. 
 
 ston in cold blood. I am not used to guns and things, and in 
 changing the position of this weapon I pulled the trigger 
 rather harder than was necessary. 
 
 "When this wicked rebellion first broke out I was among the 
 first to stay at home — chiefly because of my utter ignorance of 
 firearms. I should be valuable to the army as a Brigadier- 
 General only so far as the moral influence of my name went. 
 
 However, we pass safely through the land of the Piutes, 
 unmolested by Buffalo James. This celebrated savage can 
 read and write, and is quite an orator, like Metamora, or the 
 last of the Wampanoags. He went on to Washington a few 
 years ago and called Mr Buchanan his Great Father, and the 
 members of the Cabinet his dear Brothers. They gave him a 
 great many blankets, and he returned to his beautiful hunting 
 grounds and went to killing stage-drivers. He made such a 
 fine impression upon Mr Buchanan during his sojourn in 
 Washington that that statesman gave a young English tourist, 
 who crossed the plains a few years since, a letter of introduc- 
 tion to him. The great Indian chief read the English person's 
 letter with considerable emotion, and then ordered him to be 
 scalped, and stole his trunks. 
 
 Mr Ryder knows me only as " Mr Brown," and he refreshes 
 me during, the journey by quotations from my books and 
 lectures. 
 
 " Never seen Ward ? " he said. 
 
 " Oh no." 
 
 " Ward says he likes little girls, but he likes large girls 
 
 just as well. Haw, haw, haw I I should like to see the d 
 
 fool!" 
 
 He referred to me. 
 
 He even woke me up in the middle of the night to tell ibe 
 one of Ward's jokes. 
 
212 TO REESE RIVER. 
 
 I lecture at Big Creek. 
 
 Big Creek is a straggling, wild little village ; -and the house 
 in which I had the honour of speaking a piece had no other 
 floor than the bare earth. The roof was of sage-brush. At 
 one end of the building a huge wood fire blazed, which, with 
 half-a-dozen tallow-candles, afforded all the illumination de- 
 sired. The lecturer spoke from behind the drinking bar. 
 Behind him long rows of decanters glistened j above him hung 
 pictures of race-horses and prize-fighters ; and beside him, in 
 his shirt-sleeves and wearing a cheerful smile, stood the bar- 
 keeper. My speeches at the bar before this had been of an 
 elegant character, perhaps, but quite brief. They never ex- 
 tended beyond " I don't care if I do," " No sugar in mine," 
 and short gems of a like character. 
 
 I had • a good audience at Big Creek, who seemed to be 
 pleased, the bar-keeper especially ; for at the close of any 
 "point" that I sought -to make, he would deal the counter 
 a vigorous blow with his fist, and exclaim, " Good boy 
 from the New England States ! listen to William W. 
 Shakspeare ! " * 
 
 Back to Austin. We lose our way, and hitching our horses 
 to a tree, go in search of some human ' beings. The night is 
 very dark. We soon stumble upon a camp-fire, and an un- 
 pleasantly modulated voice asks us to say our prayers, adding 
 that we are on the point of going to Glory with our boots on. 
 I think perhaps there may be some truth in this, as the mouth 
 of a horse-pistol almost grazes my forehead, while immediately 
 behind the butt of that death-dealing weapon I perceive a 
 large man with black whiskers. Other large men begin to 
 assemble, also with horse pistols. Dr Hingstont hastily ex- 
 plains, while I go back to the carriage to say my prayers, 
 where there is more room. The men were miners on a pro- 
 
 * This account of the Big Creek lecture is literally true. 
 + In California everybody is a colonel, a captain, a judge, or a doctor. 
 Artemus pleasantly chose the last for me. 
 
GREA T SALT LAKE CITY. 213 
 
 specting tour, and as we advanced upon them without sending 
 them word, they took us for highway robbers. 
 
 I must not forget to say that my brave and kind-hearted 
 friend Eyder of the mail coach, who had so often alluded to 
 " Ward" in our ride from Virginia to Austin, was among my 
 hearers at Big Creek He had discovered who I was, and in- 
 formed me that he had debated whether to wollop me or give 
 me some rich silver claims. 
 
 9.— GREAT SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 How was I to be greeted by the Mormons ? That was rather 
 an exciting question with me. I had been told on the plains 
 that a certain humorous sketch of mine (written some years 
 before) had greatly incensed the Saints, and a copy of the 
 Sacramento Union newspaper had a few days before fallen 
 into my hands, in which a Salt Lake correspondent quite 
 clearly intimated that my reception at the New Zion might be 
 unpleasantly warm. I ate my dinner moodily, and sent out 
 for some cigars. The venerable clerk brought me six. They 
 cost only two dollars. They were procured at a store near by. 
 The Salt Lake House sells neither cigars nor liquors. 
 
 I smoke in my room, having no heart to mingle with the 
 people in the office. 
 
 Dr Hingston " thanks God he never wrote against the 
 Mormons," and goes out in search of a brother Englishman. 
 Comes back at night, and says there is a prejudice against me. 
 Advises me to keep in. Has heard that the Mormons thirst 
 for my blood, and are on the look-out for me. 
 
 Under these circumstances I keep in. 
 
 The next day is Sunday, and we go to tihe Tabernacle in the 
 
 morning. The Tabernacle is located on Street, and is a 
 
 long rakish building of adobe,* capable of seating some twenty- 
 
 * Adobe — i.e., sun-dried brick. 
 
214 GREA T SALT LAKE CITY. 
 
 five hundred persons. There is a wide platform and a rather 
 large pulpit at one end of the building, and at the other end 
 is another platform for the choir. A young Irishman of the 
 name of Sloan preaches a sensible sort of discourse, to which 
 a Presbyterian could hardly have objected. Last night this 
 same Mr Sloan enacted a character in a rollicking Irish farce 
 * at the theatre ! And he played it well, I was told : not so 
 well, of course, as the great Dan Bryant could ; but I fancy 
 he was more at home in the Mormon pulpit than Daniel would 
 have been. 
 
 The Mormons, by the way, are pre-eminently an amusement- 
 loving people, and the Elders pray for the success of their 
 theatre with as much earnestness as they pray for anything 
 else. The congregation doesn't startle us. It is known I 
 fancy, that the heads of the Church are to be absent to-day, 
 and the attendance is slim. There are no ravishingly beautiful 
 women present, and no positively ugly ones. The men are fair 
 to middling. They will never be slain in cold blood for their 
 beauty, nor shut up in jail for their homeliness. 
 
 There are some good voices in the choir to-day, but the 
 orchestral accompaniment is unusually slight. Sometimes 
 they introduce a full brass and string band in church. Brig- 
 ham Young says the devil has monopolised the good music 
 long enough, and it is high time the Lord had a portion of it. 
 Therefore trombones are tooted on Sundays in Utah as well 
 as on other days ; and there are some splendid musicians there. 
 The orchestra in Brigham Young's theatre is quite equal to 
 any in Broadway. There is a youth in Salt Lake City (I forget 
 his name) who plays the cornet like a North American angel. 
 
 Mr Stenhouse relieves me of any anxiety I had felt in regard 
 to having my swan-like throat cut by the Danites, but thinks 
 my wholesale denunciation of a people I had never seen was 
 rather hasty. The following is the paragraph to which the 
 Saints objected. IiJ occurs in an " Artemus Ward " paper on 
 Brigham Young, written some years ago : — 
 
THE MO UNTAIN FE VER. 215 
 
 " I girded up my Lions and fled the Seen. I packt up my 
 duds and left Salt Lake, which is a 2nd Soddum and Ger- 
 morer, inhabited by as theavin & onprincipled a set of retchis 
 as ever drew Breth in eny spot on the Globe.'' 
 
 I had forgotten all about this, and as Elder Stenhonse read 
 it to me " my feelings may be better imagined than described," 
 to use language I think I have heard before. I pleaded, how- 
 ever, that it was a purely burlesque sketch, and that this strong 
 paragraph should not be interpreted literally at all. The Elder 
 didn't seem to see it in that light, but we parted pleasantly. 
 
 10.— THE MOUNTAIN FEVER. 
 
 I GO back to my hotel and go to bed, and I do not get up again 
 for two weary weeks. I have the mountain fever (so called in 
 Utah, though it closely resembles the old-style typhus), and 
 my case is pronounced dangerous. I don't regard it so. I 
 don't, in fact, regard anything. I am all right, myself. My 
 poor Hingston shakes his head sadly, and Dr Williamson, from 
 Camp Douglas, pours all kinds of bitter stuff down my throat. 
 I drink his health in a dose of the cheerful beverage known as 
 jalap, and thresh the sheets with my hot hands. I address 
 large assemblages, who have somehow got into my room, and 
 I charge Dr Williamson with the murder of Luce, and Mr 
 Irwin, the actor, with the murder of Shakspeare. I have a 
 lucid spell now and then, in one of which James Townsend, 
 the landlord, enters. He whispers, but I hear what he says 
 far too distinctly : " This man can have anything and every- 
 thing he wants ; but I 'm no hand for a sick room. I never 
 could see anybody die." 
 
 That was cheering, I thought. The noble Calif ornian, 
 Jerome Davis — he of the celebrated ranch — sticks by me like 
 a twin brother, although I fear that in my hot frenzy I more 
 than once anathematised his kindly eyes. Nurses and watchers, 
 Gentile and Mormon, volunteer their services in hoops, and 
 
216 THE MOUNTAIN FEVER. 
 
 rare wines are sent to me from all over the city, which, if I 
 can't drink, the venerable and excellent Thomas can, easy. 
 
 I lay there in this wild, broiling way for nearly two weeks, 
 when one morning I woke up with my head clear and an 
 immense plaster on my stomach. The plaster had operated. 
 I was so raw that I could by no means say to Dr Williamson, 
 " Well done, thou good and faithful servant." I wished he had 
 lathered me before he plastered me. I was fearfully weak. I 
 was frightfully thin. With either one of my legs you could 
 have cleaned the stem of a meerschaum pipe. My backbone 
 had the appearance of a clothes-line with a quantity of English 
 walnuts strung upon it. My face was almost gone. My nose 
 was so sharp that I didn't dare stick it into other people's 
 business for fear it would stay there. But by borrowing my 
 agent's overcoat I succeeded in producing a shadow. 
 
 1 have been looking at Zion all day, and my feet are sore 
 and my legs are weary. I go back to the Salt Lake House 
 and have a talk with landlord Townsend about the State of 
 Maine. He came from that bleak region, having skinned his 
 infantile eyes in York County. He was at Nauvoo, and was 
 forced to sell out his entire property there for 50 dollars. He 
 has thrived in Utah, however, and is much thought of by the 
 Church. He is an Elder, and preaches occasionally. He 
 has only two wives. I hear lately that he has sold his 
 .property for 25,000 dollars to Brigham Young, and gone 
 to England to make converts. How impressive he may be 
 as anexpounder of the Mormon gospel, I don't know. His 
 beef-steaks and chicken-pies, however, were first-rate. James 
 and I talk about Maine, and cordially agree that so far as pine 
 boards and horse-mackerel are concerned it is equalled by few 
 and excelled by none. There is no place like home, as Clara, 
 tfie Maid of Milan, very justly observes ; and while J. Town- 
 send would be unhappy in Maine, his heart evidently beats 
 back there now and then. 
 
"I AM HERE." 217 
 
 I heard the love of home oddly illustrated in Oregon, one 
 night in a country bar-room. Some well-dressed men, in a 
 state of strong drink, were boasting of their respective places 
 of nativity. 
 
 "I," said one, "was born in Mississippi, where the ,sun 
 ever shines and the magnolias bloom all the happy year 
 round." 
 
 "And I," said another, "was born in Kentucky — Kentucky, 
 the home of impassioned oratory : the home of Clay : the 
 State of splendid women, of gallant men ! " 
 
 " And I," said another, " was born in Virginia, the home of 
 Washington : the birthplace of statesmen : the State of chival- 
 ric deeds and noble hospitality ! " 
 
 "And I," said a yellow-haired and sallow-faced man, who 
 was not of this party at all, and who had been quietly smok- 
 ing a short black pipe by the fire during their magnificent con- 
 versation — " and I was born in the garden spot of America.'' 
 
 " Where is that ? " they said. 
 
 " Skeouhegan, Maine I " he replied ; " kin I sell you a razor- 
 strop?" 
 
 11.—" I AM HERE." 
 
 Inhere is no mistake about that, and there is a good prospect 
 of my staying here for some time to come. The snow is deep 
 on the ground, and more is falling. 
 
 The doctor looks glum, and speaks of his ill-starred country- 
 man Sir J. Franklin, who went to the Arctic once too much. 
 
 " A good thing happened down here the other day," said a 
 miner from New Hampshire to me. " A man of Boston 
 dressin' went through there, and at one of the stations there 
 wasn't any mules. Says the man who was fijced out to kill in 
 his Boston dressin', ' Where 's them mules? ' Says the driver, 
 'Them mules is into the sage-brush. You go catch 'em — 
 
218 " T AM HERE." 
 
 that 's wot you do.' Says the man of Boston dressin', ' Oh 
 no ! ' Says the driver, ' Oh yes ! ' and he took his long coach 
 whip and licked the man of Boston dressin' till he went and 
 caught them mules. How does that strike you as a joke 1 " *■ 
 
 It didn't strike me as much of a joke to pay a hundred and 
 seventy-five dollars in gold fare, and then be horse-whipped by 
 stage-drivers, for declining to chase mules. But people's ideas 
 of humour differ, just as people's ideas differ in regard to 
 shrewdness — which " reminds me of a little story." Sitting 
 in a New England country store one day, I overheard the 
 following dialogue between two brothers : — 
 
 " Say, Bill, wot you done with that air sorrel mare of 
 yourn ? " 
 
 " Sold her," said William, with a smile of satisfaction. 
 
 " Wot 'd you git ? " 
 
 " Hund'd an' fifty dollars, cash deown ! " 
 
 " Show ! Hund'd an' fifty for that kickin' spavin'd critter ! 
 Who'd you sell her to?" 
 
 " Sold her to mother ! " 
 
 " Wot ! " exclaimed brother No. 1, " did you railly sell that 
 kickin' spavin'd critter to mother? Wall, you air a shrewd 
 one ! " ' 
 
 A sensation arrival by the Overland stage of two Missouri 
 girls, who had come unescorted all the way through. They 
 are going to Nevada territory to join their father. They are 
 pretty, but, merciful heavens ! how they throw the meat and 
 potatoes down their throats ! " This is the first squar meal 
 we've had since we left Rocky Thompson's," said the eldest. 
 Then, addressing herself to me, she said : 
 
 " Air you the literary man ? " 
 
 I politely replied that I was one of " them fellers." 
 
 " Wall, don't make fun of our clothes in the papers. We 
 air goin' right straight through in these here clothes, we air ! 
 We ain't goin to rag out till we git to Nevady ! Pass them 
 sassiges ! " 
 
BRIGHAM YOUNG. 219 
 
 12.— BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 Brigham Young sends word I may see him to-morrow. So 
 I go to bed singing the popular Mormon hymn : — 
 
 " Let the chorus still be sung, 
 Long live Brother Brigham Young, 
 
 And blessed be the vale of Deseret — re"t — r^t ! 
 And blessed be the vale of DesereV' 
 
 At two o'clock the next afternoon Mr Hiram B. Glawson, 
 Brigham Young's son-in-law and chief business manager, calls 
 for me with the Prophet's private sleigh, and we start for that 
 distinguished person's block. 
 
 I am shown into the Prophet's chief office. . He comes for- 
 ward, greets me cordially, and introduces me to several in- 
 fluential Mormons who are present. 
 
 Brigham Young is sixty-two years old, of medium height, 
 and with sandy hair and whiskers. An active, iron man, with 
 a clear sharp eye. A man of consummate shrewdness — of 
 great executive ability. He was born in the State of Vermont, 
 and so by the way was Heber C. Kimball, who will wear the 
 Mormon belt when Brigham leaves the ring. 
 
 Brigham Young is a man of great natural ability. If you 
 ask me, How pious is he ? I treat it as a conundrum, and 
 give it up. Personally he treated me with marked kindness 
 throughout my sojourn in Utah. 
 
 His power in Utah is quite as absolute as that of any living 
 sovereign, yet he uses it with such consummate shrewdness 
 that his people are passionately devoted to him. 
 
 He was an Elder at the first formal Mormon " stake " in 
 this country, at Kirtland, Ohio, and went to Nauvoo with 
 Joseph Smith. That distinguished Mormon handed his 
 mantle and the prophet business over to Brigham. when he 
 died at Nauvoo. 
 
 Smith did a more flourishing business in the prophet line 
 than B. Y. does. Smith used to have his little revelation 
 
220 BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 almost every day — sometimes two before dinner. B. Y. only 
 takes one once in a while. 
 
 1 The gateway of his block is surmounted by a brass American 
 eagle, and they say (" they say " here means anti-Mormons) 
 that he receives his spiritual despatches through this piece of 
 patriotic poultry. They also say that he receives revelations 
 from a stuffed white calf that is trimmed with red ribbons and 
 kept in an iron box. I don't suppose these things are true. 
 Rumour says that when the Lion House was ready to be 
 shingled, Brigham received a message from the Lord stating 
 that the carpenters must all take hold and shingle it and not 
 charge a red cent for their services. Such carpenters as re- 
 fused to shingle would go to hell, and no postponement on 
 account of the weather. They say that Brigham, whenever a 
 train of emigrants arrives in Salt Lake City, orders all the 
 women to march up and down before his block, while he stands 
 on the portico of the Lion House and gobbles up the prettiest 
 ones. 
 
 He is an immensely wealthy man. His wealth is variously 
 estimated at from ten to twenty millions of dollars. He owns 
 sawmills, gristmills, woollen factories, brass and iron foundries, 
 farms, brickyards, &c, and superintends them all in person. 
 A man in Utah individually owns what he grows and makes, 
 with the exception of a one-tenth part : that must go to the 
 Church ; and Brigham Young, as the first President, is the 
 Church's treasurer. Gentiles, of course, say that he abuses 
 this blind confidence of his people, and speculates with their 
 money, and absorbs the interest if he doesn't the principal. 
 The Mormons deny this, and say that whatever of their money 
 he does use is for the good of the Church ; that he defrays the 
 expenses of emigrants from far over the seas ; that he is fore- 
 most in all local enterprises tending to develop the resources 
 of the territory, and that, in short, he is incapable of wrong 
 in any shape. 
 
 Nobody seems to know how many wives Brigham Young 
 
BRIGHAM YOUNG. 221 
 
 has. Some set the number as high as eighty, in which case 
 his children must be too numerous to mention. Each wife 
 has a room to herself. These rooms are large and airy, and I 
 suppose they are supplied with all the modern improvements. 
 But never having been invited to visit them, I can't speak very 
 definitely about this. When I left the Prophet he shook me 
 cordially by the hand, and invited me to call again. This was 
 flattering, because if he dislikes a man at the first interview he 
 never sees him again. He made no allusion to the " letter " I 
 had written about his community. Outside guards were pacing 
 up and down before the gateway, but they smiled upon me 
 sweetly. The verandah was crowded with Gentile miners, 
 who seemed to be surprised that I didn't return in a wooden 
 overcoat, with my throat neatly laid open from ear to ear. 
 
 I go to the theatre to-night. The play is Othello. This is 
 a really fine play, and was a favourite of G. Washington, the 
 father of his country. On this stage, as upon all other stages, 
 the good old conventionalities are strictly adhered to. The 
 actors cross each other at oblique angles from L. U. E. to 
 E. I. E. on the slightest provocation. Othello howls, Iago 
 scowls, and the boys all laugh when Roderigo dies. I stay to 
 see charming Mrs Irwin (Desdemona) die, which she does 
 very sweetly. 
 
 I was an actor once myself. I supported Edwin Forrest at 
 a theatre in Philadelphia. I played a pantomimic part. I 
 removed the chairs between scenes, and I did it so neatly 
 that Mr F. said I would make a cabinetmaker if I "applied" 
 myself. 
 
 The parquette of the theatre is occupied exclusively by the 
 Mormons and their wives and children. They wouldn't let a 
 Gentile in there any more than they would a serpent. In the 
 side seats are those of President Young's wives who go to the 
 
222 BRIGHAM YOUNG. 
 
 play, and a large and varied assortment of children. It is an 
 odd sight to see a jovial old Mormon file down the parquette 
 aisle with ten or twenty robust wives at his heels. Yet this 
 spectacle may he witnessed every night the theatre is opened. 
 The dress circle is chiefly occupied by the officers from Camp 
 Douglas * and the Gentile merchants. The upper circles are 
 filled by the private soldiers and Mormon boys. I feel bound 
 to say that a Mormon audience is quite as appreciative as any 
 other kind of an audience. They prefer comedy to tragedy. 
 Sentimental plays, for obvious reasons, are unpopular with 
 them. It will be remembered that when C. Melnotte, in the 
 " Lady of Lyons," comes home from the wars, he folds Pauline 
 to his heaving heart and makes several remarks of an impas- 
 sioned and slobbering character. One night when the " Lady of 
 Lyons " was produced here, an aged Mormon arose and went 
 out with his twenty-four wives, angrily stating that he wouldn't 
 sit and see a play where a man made such a cussed fuss over one 
 ■woman. The prices of the theatre are : — Parquette, 75 cents ; 
 dress circle, 1 dol. ; first- upper circle, 50 cents ; second and 
 third upper circles, 25 cents. In an audience of two thousand 
 persons (and there are almost always that number present) 
 probably a thousand will pay in cash, and the other thousand 
 in grain and a variety of articles ; all which will command 
 money however. 
 
 Brigham Young usually sits in the middle of the parquette, 
 in a rocking-chair, and with his hat on. He does not escort 
 his wives to the theatre : they go alone. When the play 
 drags he either falls into a tranquil sleep or walks out. He 
 wears in winter-time a green wrapper, and his hat is the style 
 introduced into this country by Louis Kossuth, Esq., the 
 liberator of Hungaria. (I invested a dollar in the liberty of 
 Hungaria nearly fifteen years ago.) 
 
 * The United States military encampment adjoining Salt Lake City. 
 
A PIECE IS SPOKEN. 223 
 
 13.— A PIECE IS SPOKEN 
 
 A Piece hath its victories no less than war. 
 
 " Blessed are the Piece-makers." That is Scripture. 
 
 The night of the " comic oration " is come, and the speaker 
 is arranging his back hair in the star dressing-room of the 
 theatre. The orchestra is playing selections from the Gentile 
 opera of " Un Ballo in Maschera," and the house is full. Mr 
 John F. Caine, the excellent stage manager, has given me an 
 elegant drawing-room scene in which to speak my little piece. 
 
 [In Iowa, I once lectured in a theatre, and the heartless 
 manager gave me a dungeon scene.] 
 
 The curtain goes up, and I stand before a Salt Lake of up- 
 turned faces. 
 
 1 can only say that I was never listened to more attentively 
 and kindly in my life than I was by this audience of Mormons. 
 
 Among my receipts at the box-office this night were — 
 20 bushels of wheat. 
 5 „ corn. 
 
 4 „ potatoes. 
 
 2 „ oats. 
 
 4 „ salt. 
 2 hams. 
 
 1 live pig (Dr Hingston chained him in the box-office). 
 1 wolf-skin. 
 
 5 pounds honey in the comb. 
 
 16 strings of sausages — 2 pounds to the string. 
 
 1 cat-skin. 
 
 1 churn (two families went in on this ; it is an ingenious 
 churn, and fetches butter in five minutes by rapid grinding). 
 
 1 set children's under-garments, embroidered. 
 
 1 firkin of butter. 
 
 1 keg of apple-sauce. 
 
 One man undertook to pass a dog (a cross between a Scotch 
 terrier and a Welsh rabbit) at the box-office, and another pre- 
 
224 THE BALL. 
 
 sented a German-silver coffin-plate, but the Doctor very justly 
 repulsed them both. 
 
 14.— THE BALL. 
 
 The Mormons are fond of dancing. Brigham and Heber C. 
 dance. So do Daniel H. Wells, and the other heads of the 
 Church. Balls are opened with prayer, and when they break 
 up a benediction is pronounced. 
 
 I am invited to a ball at Social Hall, and am escorted thither 
 by Brothers Stenhouse and Clawson. 
 
 Social Hall is a spacious and cheerful room. The motto of 
 " Our Mountain Home " in brilliant evergreen capitals adorns 
 one end of the hall, while at the other a platform is erected for 
 the musicians, behind whom there is room for those who don't 
 dance to sit and look at the festivities. Brother Stenhouse, at 
 the request of President Young, formally introduces me to com- 
 pany from the platform. There is a splendour of costumery 
 about the dancers I had not expected to see. Quadrilles only 
 are danced. The mazourka is considered sinful. Even the 
 old-time round waltz is tabooed. 
 
 I dance. 
 
 The Saints address each other here, as elsewhere, as Brother 
 and Sister. " This way, Sister ! " " Where are you going, 
 Brother? " &c, &c. I am called Brother Ward. This pleases 
 me, and I dance with renewed vigour. 
 
 The Prophet has some very charming daughters, several of 
 whom are present to-night. 
 
 I was told they spoke French and Spanish. 
 
 The Prophet is more industrious than graceful as a dancer. 
 He exhibits, however, a spryness of legs quite remarkable in a 
 man at his time of life. I didn't see Heber C. Kimball on the 
 floor. I am told he is a loose and reckless dancer, and that 
 many a lily-white toe has felt the crushing weight of his cow- 
 hide monitors. 
 
PHELPS'S ALMANAC. 225 
 
 The old gentleman is present, however, with a large number 
 of wives. It is said he calls them his " heifers." 
 
 "Ain't you goin' to dance with some of my wives 1" said a 
 Mormon to me. 
 
 These things make a Mormon ball more spicy than a Gentile 
 one. 
 
 The supper is sumptuous, and bear and beaver adorn the 
 bill of fare. 
 
 I go away at the early hour of two in the morning. The 
 moon is shining brightly on the snow-covered streets. The 
 lamps are out, and the town is still as a graveyard. 
 
 15.— PHELPS'S ALMANAC. 
 
 There is an eccentric Mormon at Salt Lake City of the name 
 of W. W. Phelps. He is from Cortland, State of New York, 
 and has been a Saint for a good many years. It is said he 
 enacts the character of the Devil, with a pea-green tail, in the 
 Mormon initiation ceremonies. He also publishes an almanac, 
 in which he blends astronomy with short moral essays, and 
 suggestions in regard to the proper management of hens. He 
 also contributes a poem, entitled " The Tombs," to his almanac 
 for the current year, from which I quote the last verse : — 
 
 " Choose ye ; to rest with Btately grooms ; 
 Just such a place there is for sleeping ; 
 Where everything, in common keepiDg, 
 Is free from want and worth and weeping; 
 There folly's- harvest is a reaping, 
 Down in the grave among the tombs." 
 
 Now, I know that poets and tin-pedlars are " licensed," but 
 why does W. W. P. advise us to sleep in the barn with the 
 ostlers ? These are the most dismal tombs on record, not ex- 
 
 P 
 
226 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 
 
 cepting the Tomb of the Capulets, the Tombs of New York,* 
 or the Toombs of Georgia. 
 
 Under the head of " Old Sayings," Mr P. publishes the fol- 
 lowing. There is a modesty about the last "saying" which 
 will be pretty apt to strike the reader : — 
 
 " The Lord does good and Satan evil, said Moses. 
 Sun and moon, see me conquer, said Joshua. 
 Virtue exalts a woman, said David. 
 Fools and folly frolic, said Solomon. 
 Judgments belong to God, said Isaiah. 
 The path of the just is plain, said Jeremiah. 
 The soul that sins dies, said Ezekiel. 
 The wicked do wicked, said Daniel. 
 Ephraim fled and hid, said Hosea. 
 The Gentiles war and waste, said Joel. 
 The second reign is peace and plenty, said Amos. 
 Zion is the house of the gods, said Obadiah. 
 A fish saved me, said Jonah. 
 Our Lion will be terrible, said Micah. 
 Doctor, cure yourself, said the Saviour. 
 Live to live again, said W. W. Phelps." 
 
 16.— HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 
 
 Time, Wednesday afternoon, February 10. — The Overland 
 stage, Mr William Glover on the box, stands before the 
 veranda of the Salt Lake House. The genial Nat Stein is 
 arranging the way-bill. Our baggage (the Overland passenger 
 is only allowed twenty-five pounds) is being put aboard, and 
 we are shaking hands, at a rate altogether furious, with Mor- 
 mon and Gentile. Among the former are Brothers Stenhouse, 
 Caine, Clawson, and Townsend ; and among the latter are 
 Harry Riceard, the big-hearted English mountaineer (though 
 once he wore white kids and swallow-tails in Regent Street, 
 
 * The Newgate prison of New York is called The Tomls, from being 
 built to resemble an Egyptian mausoleum. 
 
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 227 
 
 and in his boyhood went to school to Miss .Edgeworth, the 
 novelist), the daring explorer Eood, from Wisconsin ; the Rev. 
 James McCormick, missionary, who distributes pasteboard 
 tracts among the Bannock miners ; and the pleasing child of 
 gore, Captain D. B. Stover, of the commissary department. 
 
 "We go away on wheels, but the deep snow compels us to 
 substitute runners twelve miles out. 
 
 There are four passengers of us. We pierce the Wahsatch 
 mountains by Parley's Canon. 
 
 A snowstorm overtakes us as the night thickens, and the 
 wind shrieks like a brigade of strong-lunged maniacs. Never 
 mind. We are well covered up — our cigars are good. I have 
 on deerskin pantaloons, a deerskin overcoat, a beaver cap and 
 buffalo overshoes ; and so, as I tersely observed before, Never 
 mind. Let us laugh the winds to scorn, brave boys ! But why 
 is William Glover, driver, lying flat on his back by the road- 
 side; and why am I turning a handspring in the road; and why 
 are the horses tearing wildly down the Wahsatch mountains 1 
 It is because William Glover has been thrown from his seat, 
 and the horses are running away. I see him fall off, and it 
 occurs to me that I had better get out. In doing so, such is 
 the velocity of the sleigh, I turn a handspring. 
 
 Far a-head I hear the runners clash with the rocks, and I 
 see Dr Hingston's lantern (he always would have a lantern), 
 bobbing about like the binnacle light of an oyster sloop, very 
 loose in a chopping sea. Therefore I do not laugh the winds 
 to scorn as much as I did, brave boys. 
 
 William G. is not hurt, and together we trudge on after the 
 runaways in the hope of overtaking them, which we do some 
 two miles off. They are in a snowbank, and " nobody hurt." 
 
 We are soon on the road again, all serene ; though I believe 
 the Doctor did observe that such a thing could not have occurred 
 under a monarchical form of government. 
 
 We reach Weber station, thirty miles from Salt Lake City, 
 and wildly situated at the foot of the Grand Echo Canon, at 
 
228 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! 
 
 three o'clock the following morning. We remain over a day 
 here with James Bromley, agent of the Overland stage line, 
 and who is better known on the plains than Shakspeare is ; 
 although Shakspeare has done a good deal for the stage. 
 James Bromley has seen the Overland line grow up from its 
 ponyicy; and as Fitz-Green Halleck happily observes, none 
 know him but to like his style. He was intended for- an agent. 
 In his infancy he used to lisp the refrain — 
 "I want to be an agent, 
 And with the agents stand." 
 
 I part with this kind-hearted gentleman, to whose industry 
 and ability the Overland line owes much of its success, with 
 sincere regret ; and I hope he will soon get rich enough to 
 transplant his charming wife from the Desert to the " White 
 settlements." 
 
 Forward to Fort Bridger in an open sleigh. Night clear, 
 cold, and moonlit. Driver Mr Samuel Smart. Through Echo 
 Canon to Hanging Rock station. The snow is very deep, 
 there is no path, and we literally shovel our way to Robert 
 Pollock's station, which we achieve in the Course of Time. 
 Mr P. gets up and kindles a fire, and a snowy nightcap and 
 a pair of very bright black eyes beam upon us from the bed. 
 That is Mrs Robert Pollock. The log cabin is a comfortable 
 one. I make coffee in my French coffee-pot, and let loose 
 some of the roast chickens in my basket. (Tired of fried bacon 
 and saleratus bread— the principal bill of fare at the stations 
 — we had supplied ourselves with chicken, boiled ham, onions, 
 sausages, sea-bread, canned butter, cheese, honey, &c, &c, an 
 example all Overland traders would do well to follow.) Mrs 
 Pollock tells me where I can find cream for the coffee, and cups 
 and saucers for the same, and appears so kind, that I regret 
 our stay is so limited that we can't see more of her. 
 
 On to Yellow Creek station. Then Needle Rock— a desolate 
 hut on the Desert, house and barn in one building. The 
 station-keeper is a miserable, toothless wretch with shaggy 
 
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! 229 
 
 yellow hair, but says he's going to get married. I think I 
 see him. 
 
 To Bear River. A pleasant Mormon named Myers keeps 
 this station, and he gives us a first-rate breakfast. Eobert 
 Curtis takes the reins from Mr Smart here, and we get on to 
 wheels again. Begin to see groups of trees — a new sight 
 to us. 
 
 Pass Quaking Asp Springs and Muddy to Fort Bridger. 
 Here are a group of white buildings, built round a plaza, across 
 the middle of which runs a creek. There are a few hundred 
 troops here under the command of Major Gallagher, a gallant 
 officer and a gentleman, well worth knowing. We stay here 
 two days. 
 
 We are on the road again, Sunday the 14th, with a driver 
 of the highly floral name of Primrose. At seven the next 
 morning we reach Green River station, and enter Idaho terri- 
 tory. This is the Bitter Creek division of the Overland route, 
 of which we had heard so many unfavourable stories. The 
 division is really well managed by Mr Stewart, though the 
 country through which it stretches is the most wretched I ever 
 saw. The water is liquid alkali, and the roads are soft sand. 
 , The snow is gone now, and the dust is thick and blinding. So 
 drearily, wearily we drag onward. 
 
 We reach the summit of the Rocky Mountains at midnight 
 on the 17th. The climate changes suddenly, and the cold is 
 intense.* We resume runners, have a break-down, and are 
 forced to walk four miles. 
 
 I remember that one of the numerous reasons urged in favour 
 of General Fremont's election to the Presidency in 1856, was 
 his finding the pathy across the Rocky Mountains. Credit is 
 certainly due that gallant explorer in this regard; but it 
 occurred to me, as I wrung my frost-bitten hands on that 
 dreadful night, that for me to deliberately go over that path 
 in midwinter was a sufficient reason for my election to any 
 
 * It was, as we afterwards ascertained, 35° below zero. 
 
230 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD 1 
 
 lunatic asylum, by an overwhelming vote. Dr Hingston made 
 a similar remark, and wondered if he should ever clink glasses 
 with his friend Lord Palmerston again. 
 
 Another sensation. Not comic this time. One of our pas- 
 sengers, a fair-haired German boy, whose sweet ways had quite 
 won us all, sank on the snow, and said, "Let me sleep." We 
 knew only too well what that meant, and tried hard to rouse 
 him. It was in vain. " Let me sleep," he said. And so in the 
 cold starlight he died. We took him up tenderly from the 
 snow, and bore him to the sleigh that awaited us by the road- 
 side, some two miles away. The new moon was shining now, 
 and the smile on the sweet white face told how painlessly the 
 poor boy had died. No one knew him. He was from the 
 Bannock mines, was ill clad, had no baggage or money, and 
 his fare was paid to Denver. He had said that he was going- 
 back to Germany. That was all we knew. So at sunrise, the 
 next morning we buried him at the foot of the grand moun- 
 tains that are snow-covered and icy all the year round, far 
 away from the Faderland, where, it may be, some poor mother 
 is crying for her darling who will not come. 
 
 We strike the North Platte on the 18th. The fare at the 
 stations is daily improving, and we often have antelope steaks 
 now. They tell us of eggs not far off, and we encourage (by a 
 process not wholly unconnected with bottles) the drivers to 
 keep their mules in motion. 
 
 Antelopes by the thousand can be seen racing the plains 
 •from the coach windows. 
 
 At Elk Mountain we encounter a religious driver, named 
 Edward Whitney, who never swears at the mules. This has 
 made him distinguished all over the plains. This pious driver 
 tried to convert the Doctor, but I am mortified to say that his 
 efforts were not crowned with success. Fort Halleck is a mile 
 from Elk, and here are some troops of the Ohio 11th regiment, 
 under the command of Major Thomas L. Mackey. 
 
HURRAH FOR THE ROAD! 231 
 
 On the 20th we reach Eoeky Thomas's justly celebrated 
 station, at five in the morning, and have a breakfast of hashed 
 black-tailed deer, antelope steaks, ham, boiled bear, honey, 
 eggs, coffee, tea, and cream. That was the squarest meal on 
 the road except at "Weber. Mr Thomas is a Baltimore 
 " slosher," he informed me. I don't know what that is, but he 
 is a good fellow, and gave us a breakfast fit for a lord, emperor, 
 czar, count, &c. A better couldn't be found at Delmonico's or 
 Parker's.* He pressed me to linger with him a few days 
 and shoot bears. It was with several parjgs that I declined 
 the generous Baltimorean's invitation. 
 
 To Virginia Dale. Weather clear and bright. Virginia 
 Dale is a pretty spot, as it ought to be with such a pretty 
 name ; but I treated with no little scorn the advice of a hunter 
 I met there, who told me to give up " literatoor," form a 
 matrimonial alliance with some squaws, and "settle down thar." 
 
 Bannock on the brain ! That is what is the matter now. 
 Wagon-load after wagon-load of emigrants, bound to the new 
 Idaho gold regions, meet us every hour. Canvas-covered, and 
 drawn forthe most part by fine large mules, they make a pleasant 
 panorama, as /they stretch slowly over the plains and uplands. 
 We strike the South Platte Sunday the 21st, and breakfast at 
 Latham, a station of one-horse proportions. We are now in 
 Colorado (" Pike's Peak"), and we diverge from the main 
 route here, and visit the flourishing and beautiful city of 
 Denver. Messrs Langrish & Dougherty, who have so long 
 and so admirably catered to the amusement lovers of the Far 
 West, kindly withdraw their dramatic corps for a night, and 
 allow me to use their pretty little theatre. 
 
 We go to the mountains from Denver, visiting the cele- 
 brated gold-mining towns of Black Hawk and Central City. 
 I leave this queen of all the territories, quite firmly believing 
 that its future is to be no less brilliant than its past has been. 
 
 * Delmonico's is the most fashionable restaurant of New York, and 
 Parker's of Boston. 
 
232 HURRAH FOR THE ROAD ! 
 
 I liad almost forgotten, to mention that on the way from 
 Latham to Denver Dr Kingston and Dr Seaton (late a highly 
 admired physician and surgeon in Kentucky, and now a pros- 
 perous gold-miner) had a learned discussion as to the formation 
 of the membranes of the human stomach, in which they used 
 words that were over a foot long by actual measurement. I 
 never heard such splendid words in my life ; but such was their 
 grandiloquent profundity, and their far-reaching lucidity, that 
 I understood rather less about it when they had finished than 
 I did when they commenced. 
 
 Back to Latham again over a marshy road, and on to 
 Nebraska by the main stage line. 
 
 I met Gol. Ohivington, commander of the district of Colo- 
 rado, at Latham. 
 
 Col. Chivington is a Methodist clergyman, and was once a 
 presiding elder. A thoroughly earnest man, an eloquent 
 preacher, a sincere believer in the war, he of course brings to 
 his new position a great deal of enthusiasm. This, with his 
 natural military tact, makes him an officer of rare ability ; and 
 on more occasions than one he has led his troops against the 
 enemy with resistless skill and gallantry. I take the liberty 
 of calling the President's attention to the fact that this brave 
 man ought to have long ago been a brigadier-general. 
 
 There is, however, a little story about Col. Chivington that 
 I must tell. It involves the use of a little blank profanity, 
 but the story would be spoiled without it ; and, as in this case, 
 " nothing was meant by it," no great harm can be done. I 
 rarely stain my pages with even mild profanity. It is wicked 
 in the first' place, and not funny in the second. I ask the boon 
 of being occasionally stupid ; but I could never see the fun of 
 being impious. 
 
 Col. Chivington vanquished the rebels with his brave Colo- 
 rado troops, in New Mexico last year, as most people know. 
 At the commencement of the action, which was hotly con- 
 
HURRAH FOR THE' ROAD! 233 
 
 tested, a shell from the enemy exploded near him, tearing up 
 the ground, and causing Captain Rogers to swear in an awful 
 manner. 
 
 " Captain Sogers," said the Colonel, " gentlemen do not 
 swear on a solemn occasion like this. We may fall, but, falling 
 in' a glorious cause, let us die as Christians, not as rowdies, 
 with oaths upon our lips. Captain Rogers, let us " 
 
 Another shell, a sprightlier one than its predecessor, tears 
 the earth fearfully in the immediate vicinity of Col. Chivington, 
 filling his eyes with dirt, and knocking off his hat. 
 
 " Why, G d their souls to h ," he roared, 
 
 " they 've put my eyes out — as Captain Rogers would say ! " 
 
 But the Colonel's eyes were not seriously damaged, and he 
 went in. Went in, only to come out victorious. 
 
 We reach Julesberg, Colorado, the 1st of March. We are in 
 the country of the Sioux Indians now, and encounter them by 
 the hundred. A chief offers to sell me his daughter (a fair 
 young Indian maiden) for six dollars and two quarts of 
 whisky. I decline to trade. 
 
 Meals which have hitherto been 1 dol. each are now 75 cents. 
 Eggs appear on the table occasionally, and we hear of chickens 
 farther on. Nine miles from here we enter Nebraska terri- 
 tory. Here is occasionally a fenced farm, and the ranches 
 have bar-rooms. Buffalo skins and buffalo tongues are for 
 sale at most of the stations. We reach South Platte on the 
 2d, and Fort Kearney on the 3d. The 7th Iowa Cavalry are 
 here, under the command of Major Wood. At Cottonwood, 
 a day's ride back, we had taken aboard Major O'Brien, com- 
 manding the troops there, and a very jovial warrior he is, too. 
 
 Meals are now down to 50 cents, and a great deal better than 
 when they were 1 dol. 
 
 Kansas, 105 miles from Atchison. Atchison ! No traveller 
 by sea ever longed to set his foot on shore as we longed 
 to reach the end of our dreary coach ride over the wildest 
 
234 VER Y MUCH MARRIED. 
 
 part of the whole continent. How we talked Atchison, and 
 dreamed Atchison for the next fifty hours ! Atchison, I shall 
 always love you. You were evidently mistaken, Atchison, 
 when you told me that in case I " lectured " there, immense 
 crowds would throng to the hall ; hut you are very dear to me. 
 Let me kiss you for your maternal parent ! 
 
 "We are passing through the reservation of the Otoe In- 
 dians, who long ago washed the war-paint from their faces, 
 buried the tomahawk, and settled down into quiet, prosper- 
 ous farmers. 
 
 We rattle leisurely into Atchison on a Sunday evening. 
 Lights gleam in the windows of milk-white churches, and 
 ( they tell us, far better than anything else could, that we are 
 back to civilisation again. 
 
 An overland journey in winter is a better thing to have done 
 than to do. In the spring, however, when the grass is green 
 on the great prairies, 1 fancy one might make the journey a 
 pleasant one, with his own outfit and a few choice friends. 
 
 17.— VERY MUCH MARRIED. 
 
 Are the Mormon women happy ? 
 
 I give it up. I don't know. 
 
 It is at Great Salt Lake City as it is in Boston. If I go 
 out to tea at the Wilkinses in Boston, I am pretty sure to find 
 Mr Wilkins all smiles and sunshine, or Mrs Wilkins all gentle- 
 ness and politeness. I am entertained delightfully, and after 
 tea little Miss Wilkins shows me her photograph album, and 
 plays the march from " Faust " on the piano for me. I go 
 away highly pleased with my visit ; and yet the Wilkinses 
 may fight like cats and dogs in private. I may no sooner 
 have struck the sidewalk than Mr W. will be reaching for 
 Mrs W.'s throat. 
 
VERY MUCH MARRIED. 235 
 
 Thus it is in the City of the Saints. Apparently, the Mor- 
 mon women are happy. I saw them at their best, of course 
 — at balls, tea-parties, and the like. They were like other 
 women, as far as my observation extended. They were 
 hooped, and furbelowed, and shod, and white- collared, and 
 bejewelled ; and, like women all over the world, they were 
 softer-eyed and kinder-hearted than men can ever hope to be. 
 
 The Mormon girl is reared to believe that the plurality wife 
 system (as it is delicately called here) is strictly right ; and in 
 linking her destiny with a man who has twelve wives, she 
 undoubtedly considers she is doing her duty. She loves the 
 man, probably, for I think it is not true, as so many writers 
 have stated, that girls are forced to marry whomsoever " the 
 Church" may dictate. Some parents, no doubt, advise, con- 
 nive, threaten, and in aggravated cases, incarcerate here, as 
 some parents have always done elsewhere, and always will do 
 as long as petticoats continue to be an institution. 
 
 How these dozen or twenty wives get along without heart- 
 burnings and hairpullings, I can't see. 
 
 There are instances on record, you know, where a man don't 
 live in a state of uninterrupted bliss with one, wife. And to 
 say that a man can possess twenty wives without having his 
 special favourite or favourites, is to say that he is an angel in 
 boots — which is something I have never been introduced to. 
 You never saw an angel with a beard, although you may have 
 seen the Bearded Woman. 
 
 The Mormon woman is early taught that man, being created 
 in the image of the Saviour, is far more godly than she can 
 ever be, and that for her to seek to monopolise his affections 
 is a species of rank sin. So she shares his affections with five 
 or six or twenty other women, as the case may be. 
 
 A man must be amply able to support a number of wives 
 before he can take them. Hence, perhaps, it is that so many 
 old chaps in Utah have young and blooming wives in their 
 seraglios, and so many young men have only one. 
 
235 VERY MUCH MARRIED. 
 
 I had a man pointed out to me who married an entire 
 family. He had originally intended to marry Jane, but Jane 
 did not want to leave her widowed mother. The other three 
 sisters were not in the matrimonial market for the same 
 reason ; so this gallant man married the whole crowd, includ- 
 ing the girl's grandmother, who had lost all her teeth, and 
 had to be fed with a spoon. The family were in indigent 
 circumstances, and they could not. but congratulate themselves 
 on securing a wealthy husband. It seemed to affect the 
 grandmother deeply ; for the first words she said on reaching 
 her new home were, " Now, thank God ! I shall have my gruel 
 reg'lar ! " 
 
 The name of Joseph Smith is worshipped in Utah; and 
 " they say," that although he has been dead a good many 
 years, he still keeps on marrying women by proxy. He 
 " reveals " who shall act as his earthly agent in this matter, 
 and the agent faithfully executes the defunct Prophefs 
 commands. 
 
 A few years ago I read about a couple being married by 
 telegraph — the young man was in Cincinnati, and the young 
 woman was in New Hampshire. They did not see each other 
 for a year afterwards. I don't see what fun there is in this 
 sort of thing. 
 
 I have somewhere stated that Brigham Young is said to 
 have eighty wives. I hardly think he has so many. Mr 
 Hyde, the backslider, says in his book that " Brigham always 
 sleeps by himself, in a little chamber behind his office;" and 
 if he has eighty wives, I don't blame him. He must be 
 bewildered. I know very well that if I had eighty wives of 
 my bosom I should be confused, and shouldn't sleep any- 
 where. I undertook to count their long stockings on the 
 clothes-line in his back-yard one day, and I used up the mul- 
 tiplication table in less than half an hour. It made me dizzy 
 —it did ! 
 
 In this book I am writing chiefly of what I saw. I saw 
 
THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH. 237 
 
 plurality at its best, and I give it to you at its best. I have 
 shown the silver lining of this great social cloud. That back 
 of this silver lining the cloud must be thick and black, I feel 
 quite sure. But to elaborately denounce, at this late day, a 
 system we all know must be wildly wrong, would be simply 
 to impeach the intelligence of the readers of this book. 
 
 18.— THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH. 
 
 I HAVE not troubled the reader with extracts from Mormon 
 documents. The Book of Mormon is ponderous, but gloomy, 
 and at times incoherent ; and I will not, by any means, quote 
 from that. But the Bevelation of Joseph Smith in regard to 
 the absorbing question of plurality or polygamy may be of 
 sufficient interest to reproduce here. The reader has my full 
 consent to form his own opinion of it : — 
 
 REVELATION GIVEN TO JOSEPH SMITH, NAUVOO, JULY 12, 1843. 
 
 Verily, thus saith the Lord unto you, my servant Joseph, 
 that inasmuch as you have inquired of my hand to know and 
 understand wherein I, the Lord, justified my servants, Abra- 
 ham, Isaac, and Jacob ; as also Moses, David, and Solomon, 
 my servants, as touching the principle and doctrine of their 
 having many wives and concubines : Behold ! and lo, I am 
 the Lord thy God, and will answer thee as touching this 
 matter : therefore prepare thy heart to receive and obey the 
 instructions which I am about to give unto you ; for all those 
 who have this law revealed unto them must obey the same ; 
 for behold ! I reveal unto you a new and an everlasting cove- 
 nant, and if ye abide not that covenant, then are ye damned ; 
 for no one can reject this covenant and be permitted to enter 
 into my glory ; for all who will have a blessing at my hands 
 
238 THE REVELATION OF 
 
 shall abide the law which was appointed for that blessing, and 
 the conditions thereof, as was instituted from before the founda- 
 tions of the world ; and as pertaining to the new and ever- 
 lasting covenant, it was instituted for the fulness of my glory; 
 and he that rece^veth a fulness thereof, must and shall abide 
 the law, or he shall be damned, saith the Lord God. 
 
 And verily I say unto you, that the conditions of this law 
 are these : All covenants, contracts, bonds, obligations, oaths, 
 vows, performances, connections, associations, or expectations, 
 that are not made, and entered into, and sealed, by the Holy 
 Spirit of promise, of him who is anointed, both as well for 
 time and for all eternity, and that, too, most holy, by revela- 
 tion and commandment, through the medium of mine anointed, 
 whom I have appointed on the earth to hold this power (and I 
 have appointed unto my servant Joseph to hold this power in 
 the last days, and there is never but one on the earth at a 
 time on whom this power and the keys of this priesthood are 
 conferred), are of no efficacy, virtue, or force in and after the 
 resurrection from the dead; for all contracts that are not 
 made unto this end have an end when men are dead. 
 
 Behold ! mine house is a house of order, saith the Lord God, 
 and not a house of confusion. Will I accept of an offering, 
 saith the Lord, that is not made in my name 1 Or will I 
 receive at your hands that which I have not appointed ? And 
 will I appoint unto you, saith the Lord, except it be by law, 
 even as I and my Father ordained unto you, before the world 
 was ? I am the Lord thy God, and I give unto you this com- 
 mandment, that no man shall come unto the Father but by 
 me, or by my word, which is my -law, saith the Lord ; and 
 everything that is in the world, whether it be ordained of men, 
 by thrones, or principalities, . or powers, or things of name, 
 whatsoever they may be, that are not by me, or by my word, 
 saith the Lord, shall be thrown down, and shall not remain 
 after men are dead, neither in nor after the resurrection, saith 
 the Lord your God ; for whatsoever things remaineth are by 
 
JOSEPH SMITH. 239 
 
 me, and whatsoever things are not by me, shall be shaken and 
 destroyed. 
 
 Therefore, if a man marry him a wife in the world, and he 
 marry her not by me, nor by my word, and he covenant with 
 her so long as he is in the world, and she with him, their cove- 
 nant and marriage is not of force when they are dead, and 
 when they are out of the world ; therefore they are not bound 
 by any law when they are out of the world ; therefore, when 
 they are out of the world, they neither marry nor are given 
 in marriage, but are appointed angels in heaven, which angels 
 are ministering servants, to minister for those who are worthy 
 of a far more, and an exceeding, and an eternal weight of 
 glory ; for these angels did not abide my law, therefore they 
 cannot be enlarged, but remain separately, and singly, without 
 exaltation, in their saved condition, to all eternity, and from 
 henceforth are not gods, but are angels of God for ever and 
 ever. 
 
 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife, 
 and make a covenant with her for time and for all eternity, if 
 that covenant isliot by me or by my word, which is my law, 
 and is not sealed by the Holy Spirit of promise, through him 
 whom I have anointed and appointed unto this power, then it 
 is not valid, neither of force when they are out of the world, 
 because they are not joined by me, saith the Lord, neither by 
 my word ; when they are out of the world, it cannot be received 
 there, because the angels and the gods are appointed there, by 
 whom they cannot pass ; they cannot, therefore, inherit my 
 glory, for my house is a house of order, saith the Lord God. 
 
 And again, verily I say unto you, if a man marry a wife by 
 my word, which is my law, and by the new and everlasting 
 covenant, and it is sealed unto them by the Holy Spirit of 
 promise, by him who is anointed, unto whom I have appointed 
 this power and the keys of this priesthood, and it shall be said 
 unto them, Ye shall come forth in the first resurrection ; and 
 if it be after the first resurrection, in the next resurrection; 
 
240 THE REVELATION OF 
 
 and shall inherit thrones, kingdoms, principalities, and powers, 
 dominions, all heights and depths, then shall it be written in 
 the Lamb's Book of Life that he shall commit no murder, 
 whereby to shed innocent blood ; and if ye abide in my cove- 
 nant, and commit no murder whereby to shed innocent blood, 
 it shall be done unto them in all things whatsoever my servant 
 hath put upon them in time and through all eternity; and 
 shall be of full force when they are out of the world, and they 
 shall pass by the angels and the gods, which are set there, to 
 their exaltation and glory in all things, as hath been sealed 
 upon their heads, which glory shall be a fulness and a con- 
 tinuation of the seeds for ever and ever. 
 
 Then shall they be gods, because they have no end ; there- 
 fore shall they be from everlasting to everlasting, because they 
 continue ; then shall they be above all, because all things are 
 subject unto them. . Then shall they be gods, because they 
 have all power, and the angels are subject unto them. 
 
 Verily, verily, I say unto you, except ye abide my law, ye 
 cannot attain to this glory ; for strait is the gate, and narrow 
 the way, that leadeth unto the exaltation and continuation of 
 the lives, and few there be that find it, because ye receive me 
 not in the world, neither do ye know me. But if ye receive 
 me in the world, then shall ye know me, and shall receive 
 your exaltation, that where I am, ye shall be also. This is 
 eternal life, to know the only wise and true God, and Jesus 
 Christ whom he hath sent. I am he. Eeceive ye, -therefore, 
 my law. Broad is the gate, and wide the way that leadeth to 
 the death, and many there are that go in thereat, because they 
 receive me not, neither do they abide in my law. 
 
 Verily, verily, I say unto you, if a man marry a wife accord- 
 ing to my word, and they are sealed by the Holy Spirit of 
 promise according to mine appointment, and he or she shall 
 commit any sin or transgression of the new and everlasting 
 covenant whatever, and all manner of blasphemies, and if they 
 commit no murder, wherein they shed innocent blood, yet they 
 
"JOSEPH SMITH. 241 
 
 shall come forth in the first resurrection, and enter into their 
 exaltation ; but they shall be destroyed in the flesh, and shall 
 be delivered unto the buffetings of Satan, unto the day of 
 redemption, saith the Lord God. 
 
 The blasphemy against the Holy Ghost, which shall not be 
 forgiven in the world nor out of the world, is in that ye com- 
 mit murder, wherein ye shed innocent blood, and assent unto 
 my death, after ye have received my new and everlasting 
 covenant, saith the Lord God ; and he that abideth not this 
 law can in no wise enter into my glory, but shall be damned, 
 saith the Lord. 
 
 I am the Lord thy God, and will give unto thee the law of 
 my holy priesthood, as was ordained by me and my Father 
 before the world was. Abraham received all things, whatso- 
 ever he received, by revelation and commandment, by my 
 word, saith the Lord, and hath entered into his exaltation, and 
 sitteth upon his throne. 
 
 Abraham received promises concerning his seed, and of the 
 fruit of his loins— from whose loins ye are, viz., my servant 
 Joseph — which were to continue so long as they were in the 
 world ; and as touching Abraham and his seed out of the 
 world, they should continue ; both in the world and out of the 
 world should they continue as innumerable as the stars ; or, if 
 ye were to count the sand upon the sea-shore, ye could not 
 number them. This promise is yours also, because ye are of 
 Abraham, and the promise was made unto Abraham, and by 
 this law are the continuation of the works of my Father, 
 wherein he glorifieth himself. Go ye, therefore, and do the 
 works of Abraham ; enter ye into my law, and ye shall be 
 saved. But if ye enter not into my law, ye cannot receive 
 the promises of my Father, which he made unto Abraham. 
 
 God commanded Abraham, and Sarah gave Hagar to Abra- 
 ham to wife. And why did she do it ? Because this was the 
 law, and from Hagar sprang many people. This, therefore, 
 was fulfilling, among other things, the promises. Was Abra- 
 
 Q 
 
242 THE REVELATION OF 
 
 ham, therefore, under condemnation ? Verily, I say unto you, 
 Nay ; for the Lord commanded it. Abraham was commanded 
 to offer his son Isaac ; nevertheless, it was written, Thou shalt 
 not kill. Abraham, however, did not refuse, and it was ac- 
 counted unto him for righteousness. 
 
 Abraham received concubines, and they bare him children, 
 and it was accounted unto him for righteousness, because they 
 were given unto him, and he abode in my law ; as Isaac also, 
 and Jacob, did none other things than that which they were 
 commanded ; and because they did none other things than that 
 which they were commanded, they have entered into their exalta- 
 tion, according to the promises, and sit upon thrones ; and are 
 not angels, but are gods. David also received many wives and 
 concubines, as also Solomon, and Moses my servant, as also many 
 others of my servants, from the beginning of creation until this 
 time, and in nothing did they sin, save in those things which 
 they received not of me. 
 
 David's wives and concubines were given unto him of me by 
 the hand of Nathan my servant, and others of the prophets 
 who had the keys of this power ; and in none of these things 
 did he sin against me, save in the case of Uriah and his wife ; 
 and, therefore, he hath fallen from his exaltation, and received 
 his portion ; and he shall not inherit them out of the world, 
 for I gave them unto another, saith the Lord. 
 
 I am the Lord thy God, and I gave unto thee, my servant 
 Joseph, by appointment, and restore all things ; ask what ye will, 
 and it shall be given unto you, according to my word ; and as ye 
 have asked concerning adultery, verily, verily, Isayunto you, if a 
 man receiveth a wife in the new and everlasting covenant, and 
 if she be with another man, and I have not appointed unto 
 her by the holy anointing, she hath committed adultery, and 
 shall be destroyed. If she be not in the new and everlasting 
 covenant, and she be with another man, she has committed 
 adultery ; and if her husband be with another woman, and he 
 was under a vow, he hath broken his vow, and hath com- 
 
JOSEPH SMITH. 243 
 
 mitted adultery ; and if she hath not committed adultery, but 
 is innocent, and hath not broken her vow, and she knoweth 
 it, and I reveal it unto you, my servant Joseph, then shall you 
 have power, by the power of my holy priesthood, to take her, 
 and give her unto him that hath not committed adultery, but 
 hath been faithful ; for he shall be made ruler over many ; for 
 I have conferred upon you the keys and power of the priest- 
 hood, wherein I restore all things, and make known unto you 
 all things in due time. 
 
 And verily, verily, I say unto you, that whatsoever you seal 
 on earth shall be sealed in heaven ; and whatsoever you bind 
 on earth, in my name and by my word, saith the Lord, it shall 
 be eternally bound in the heavens ; and whosesoever sins you 
 remit on earth, shall be remitted eternally in the heavens ; and 
 whosesoever sins you retain on earth, shall be retained in heaven. 
 
 And again, verily, I say, whomsoever you bless, I will bless ; 
 and whomsoever you curse, I will curse, saith the Lord ; for 
 I, the Lord, am thy God. 
 
 And again, verily, I say unto you, my servant Joseph, that 
 whatsoever you give on earth, and to whomsoever you give 
 any one on earth, by my word and according to my law, it 
 shall be visited with blessings and not cursings, and with my 
 power, saith the Lord, and shall be without condemnation on 
 earth and in heaven, for I am the Lord thy God, and will be 
 with thee even unto the end of the world, and through all 
 eternity ; for verily I seal upon you your exaltation, and pre- 
 pare a throne for you in the kingdom of my Father, with 
 Abraham your father. Behold ! I have seen your sacrifices, and 
 will forgive all your sins ; I have seen your sacrifices, in obed- 
 ience to that which I have told. you; go, therefore, and I 
 make a way for your escape, as I accepted the offering of 
 Abraham of his son Isaac. 
 
 Verily, I say unto you, a commandment I give unto mine 
 handmaid, Emma Smith, your wife, whom I have given unto 
 you, that she stay herself, and partake of that which I com- 
 
244 THE REVELATION OF 
 
 manded you to offer unto her; for I did it, saith the Lord, to 
 prove you all, as I did Abraham, and that I might require an 
 offering at your hand by covenant and sacrifice ; and let mine 
 handmaid, Emma Smith, receive all those that have been given 
 unto my servant Joseph, and who are virtuous and pure before 
 me ; and those who are not pure, and have said they were 
 pure, shall be destroyed, saith the Lord God ; for I am the 
 Lord thy God, and ye shall obey my voice ; and I give unto 
 my servant Joseph, that he shall be made ruler over many 
 things, for he hath been faithful over a few things, and from 
 henceforth I will strengthen him. 
 
 And. I command mine handmaid, Emma Smith, to abide 
 and cleave unto my servant Joseph, and to none else. But if 
 she will not abide this commandment, she shall be destroyed, 
 saith the Lord, for I am the Lord thy God, and will destroy 
 her if she abide not in my law : but if she will not abide this 
 commandment, then shall my servant Joseph do all things for 
 her, as he hath said ; and I will bless him, and multiply him, 
 and give unto him an hundredfold in this world, of fathers and 
 mothers, brothers and sisters, houses and lands, wives and 
 children, and crowns of eternal lives in the eternal worlds. 
 And again, verily I say, let mine handmaid forgive my servant 
 Joseph his trespasses, and then shall she be forgiven her tres- 
 passes, wherein she hath trespassed against me ; and I, the 
 Lord thy God, will bless her, and multiply her, and make her 
 heart to rejoice. 
 
 And again, I say, let not my servant Joseph put his pro- 
 perty out of his hands, lest an enemy come and destroy him — 
 for Satan seeketh to destroy — for I am the Lord thy God, and 
 he is my servant ; and behold ! and lo, I am with him, as I was 
 with Abraham thy father, even unto his exaltation and glory. 
 
 Now, as touching the law of the priesthood, there are many 
 things pertaining thereunto. Verily, if a man be called of my 
 Father, as was Aaron, by mine own voice, and by the voice of 
 him that sent me, and I have endowed him with the keys of 
 
JOSEPH SMITH. 245 
 
 the power of this priesthood, if he do anything in my name, 
 and according to my law, and by my word, he will not com- 
 mit sin, and I will justify him. Let no one, therefore, set on 
 my servant Joseph, for I will justify him ; for he shall do the 
 sacrifice which I require at his hands, for his transgressions, 
 saith the Lord your God. 
 
 And again, as pertaining to the law of the priesthood; if 
 any man espouse a virgin, and desire to espouse another, and 
 the first give her consent ; and if he espouse the second, and 
 they are virgins, and have vowed to no other man, then is he 
 justified ; he cannot commit adultery, for they are given unto 
 him ; for he cannot commit adultery with that that belongeth 
 unto him, and to none' else ; and if he have ten virgins given 
 unto him by this law, he cannot commit adultery, for they be- 
 long to him, and they are given unto him; therefore is he 
 justified. But if one or either of the ten virgins, after she is 
 espoused, shall be with another man, she has committed adultery, 
 and shall be destroyed ; for they are given unto him to multiply 
 and replenish the earth, according to my commandment, and 
 to fulfil the promise which was given by my Father before 
 the foundation of the world, and for their exaltation in 
 the eternal worlds, that they may bear the souls of men ; for 
 herein is the work of my Father continued, that he may be 
 glorified. 
 
 And again, verily, verily, I say unto you, if any man have a 
 wife who holds the keys of this power, and he teaches unto 
 her the law of my priesthood as pertaining to these things, 
 then shall she believe and administer unto him, or she shall be 
 destroyed, saith the Lord your God ; for I will destroy her ; 
 for I will magnify my name upon all those who receive and 
 abide in my law. Therefore it shall be lawful in me, if she 
 receive not this law, for him to receive all things whatsoever 
 I, the Lord his God, will give unto him, because she did not 
 believe and administer unto him according to my word ; and 
 she then becomes the transgressor, and he is exempt from the 
 
246 THE REVELATION OF JOSEPH SMITH. 
 
 law of Sarah, who administered unto Abraham according to 
 the law, when I commanded Abraham to take Hagar to wife. 
 And now, as pertaining to this law, verily, verily, I gay unto 
 you, I will reveal more unto you hereafter, therefore let this 
 suffice for the present. Behold ! I am Alpha and Omega. 
 Amen. 
 
PART II. 
 
 PERLITE LITTERATOOR. 
 
 i.— A WAR MEETING. 
 
 Our complaint just now is war meetins. They 've bin havin 
 'em bad in varis parts of our cheerful Republic and nat'rally 
 we caught 'em here in Baldinsville. They broke out all over 
 us. They 're better attended than the Eclipse was. 
 
 I remember how people- poured into our town last Spring to 
 see the Eclipse. They labored into a impression that they 
 couldn't see it to home, and so they cum up to our place. I 
 cleared a very handsome amount of money by exhibitin the 
 Eclipse to 'em, in an open-top tent. But the crowds is bigger 
 now. Posey County is aroused. I may say, indeed, that the 
 pra-hay-ories of Injianny is on fire. 
 
 Our big meetin came off the other night, and our old friend 
 of the Bugle was elected Cheerman. 
 
 The Bugle-Horn of Liberty is one of Baldinsville's most 
 eminentest institootions. The advertisements are well written, 
 and the deaths and marriages are conducted with signal ability. 
 The editor, Mr Slinkers, is a polish' d, skarcastic writer. Folks 
 in these parts will not soon forgit how he used up the Eagle of 
 Freedom, a family journal published at Snootville, near here. 
 The controversy was about a plank road. " The road may be, 
 
248 A WAR MEETING. 
 
 as our contemporary says, a humbug ; but our aunt isn't bald- 
 heded, and we haven't got a one-eyed sister Sal ! Wonder if 
 the editor of the Eagle of Freedom sees it 3 " This used up the 
 Eagle of Freedom feller,' because his aunt's head does present a 
 skinn'd appearance, and his sister Sarah is very much one-eyed. 
 For a genteel home thrust Mr Slinkers has few ekals. He is 
 a man of great pluck likewise. He has a fierce nostril, and I 
 bl'eve upon my soul, that if it wasn't absolootly necessary for 
 him to remain here and announce in his paper, from week to 
 week, that " our GoVment is about to take vig'rous measures 
 to put down the rebellion" — I b'lieve, upon my soul, this 
 illustris man would enlist as a Brigadier G-in'ral, and git his 
 Bounty. 
 
 I was fixin myself up to attend the great war meetin, when 
 my daughter entered with a young man who was evijently 
 from the city, and who wore long hair, and had a wild expres- 
 sion into his eye. In one hand he carried a portfolio, and his 
 other paw claspt a bunch of small brushes. My daughter 
 introduced him as Mr Sweibier, the distinguished landscape 
 painter from Philadelphy. 
 
 " He is a artist, papa. Here is one of his masterpieces — a 
 young mother gazin admirinly upon her first-born;" and my 
 daughter showed me a really pretty picter, done in ile. " Is 
 it not .beautiful, papa? He throws so much soul into his 
 work." 
 
 - " Does he t does he ? " said I ; " well, I reckon I 'd better 
 hire him to whitewash our fence. It needs it. "What will 
 you charge, sir," I continued, "to throw some soul into, my 
 fence?" 
 
 My daughter went out of the room in very short meeter, 
 takin the artist with her, and, from the emphatical manner 
 in which the door slam'd, I concluded she: was summut dis- 
 gusted at my remarks. She closed the door, I may say, in 
 italics. I went into the closet, and larfed all alone by myself 
 for over half an hour. I larfed so vi'lently that the preserve 
 
A WAR MEETING. 249 
 
 jars rattled like a cavalry officer's sword and things, which it 
 aroused my Betsy, who came and opened the door pretty 
 suddent. She seized me by the few lonely hairs that still 
 linger sadly upon my bare-footed hed, and dragged me out of 
 the closet, incidently obsarving that she didn't exactly see why 
 she should be compelled, at her advanced stage of life, to open 
 a assylum for sooperanooated idiots. 
 
 My wife is one of the best wimin on this continent, altho' 
 she isn't always gentle as a lamb, .with mint sauce. No, not 
 always. 
 
 But to return to the war meetin. It was largely attended. 
 The editor of the Bugle arose and got up, and said the fact 
 could no longer be disguised that we were involved in a war. 
 " Human gore," said he, " is nowin. All able-bodied men 
 should seize a musket and march to the tented field. I re- 
 peat it, sir, — to the tented field." 
 
 A voice — " Why don't you go yourself, you old blowhard 1 " 
 
 " I am identified, young man, with an Arkymedian leaver 
 which moves the world," said the editor, wiping his auburn 
 brow with his left coat-tail: "I allude, young man, to the press. 
 Terms, two dollars a year, invariably in advance. Job print- 
 ing executed with neatness and despatch ! " And with this 
 brilliant bust of elekance the editor introduced Mr J. Brutus 
 HinMns, who is sufferin from an attack of College in a naberin 
 place. Mr Hinkins said Washington was not safe. Who can 
 save our national capeetle 1 
 
 " Dan Setchell," * I said. " He can do it afternoons. Let 
 him plant his light and airy form onto the Long Bridge, make 
 faces at the hirelin foe, and they '11 skedaddle ! Old Setch 
 can do it ! " 
 
 " I call the Napoleon of Showmen," said the editor of the 
 Bugle — " I call that Napoleonic man, whose life is adorned 
 with so many noble virtues, and whose giant mind lights up 
 this warlike scene — I call him to order." 
 
 * A very popular comedian in the United States. 
 
250 A WAR MEETING. 
 
 I will remark, in this connection, that the editor of the Bugle 
 does my job printing. 
 
 " You," said Mr Hinkins, " who live away from the busy 
 haunts of men do not comprehend the magnitood of the crisis. 
 The busy haunts of men is where people comprehend this crisis. 
 We who live in the busy haunts of men — that is to say, we 
 dwell, as it were, in the busy haunts of men." 
 
 "I really trust that the gent'l'manwill not fail to say suthin 
 about the busy haunts of men before he sits down," said L 
 
 " I claim the right to express my sentiments here," said Mr 
 Hinkins, in a slightly indignant tone, " and I shall brook no 
 interruption, if I am a Softmore." * 
 
 " You couldn't be more soft, my young friend," I observed, 
 whereupon there was cries of " Order ! order ! " 
 
 " I regret I can't mingle in this strife personally," said the 
 young man. 
 
 " You might inlist as a liberty-pole," t said I in a silvery 
 whisper. 
 
 " But," he added, " I have a voice, and that voice is for war." 
 The young man then closed his speech with some strikin and 
 original remarks in relation to the star-spangled banner. He 
 was followed by the village minister, a very worthy man in- 
 deed, but whose sermons have a tendency to make people sleep 
 pretty industriously. 
 
 " I am willin to inlist for one," he said. 
 
 " What 's your weight, parson ? " I asked. 
 
 " A hundred and sixty pounds," he said. 
 
 "Well, you can inlist as a hundred and sixty pounds of 
 morphine, your dooty bein to stand in the hospitals arter a 
 battle, and preach while the surgical operations is bein per- 
 formed ! Think how much you 'd save the Gov'ment in mor- 
 phine." 
 
 * A Sophomore at one of the colleges. 
 
 t Every town and village in the States has its " liberty -pole," or flag- 
 staff, on which to hoist the Stars and Stripes. 
 
A WAR MEETING. 251 
 
 He didn't seem to see it ; but he made a good speech, and 
 the editor of the Bugle rose to read the resolutions, commencin 
 as follers : — 
 
 " Resolved, That we view with anxiety the fact that there is 
 now a war goin on ; and 
 
 " Resolved, That we believe Stonewall Jackson sympathises 
 with the secession movement, and that we hope the nine 
 months' men " 
 
 At this point he was interrupted by the sounds of silvery 
 footsteps on the stairs, and a party of wimin, carryin guns, 
 and, led by Betsy Jane, who brandishd a loud and rattlin , 
 umbereller, burst into the room. 
 
 " Here," cried I, " are some nine-months' wimin ! " 
 
 " Mrs Ward," said the editor of the Bugle — " Mrs Ward, 
 and ladies, what means this extr'ord'n'ry demonstration ? " 
 
 " It means," said that remarkable female, " that you men 
 air makin fools of yourselves. You air willin to talk and 
 urge others to go to the wars, but you don't go to the wars 
 yourselves. War meetins is very nice in their way, but they 
 don't keep Stonewall Jackson from comin over to Maryland 
 and helpin himself to the fattest beef critters. What we want 
 is more cider and less talk. We want you able-bodied men to 
 stop speechifying, which don't 'mount to the wiggle of a sick 
 cat's tail, and go to fi'tin ; otherwise you can stay at home 
 and take keer of the children, while we wimin will go to the 
 wars ! " 
 
 " Gentl'men," said I, " that's my wife ! Go in, old gal ! " 
 and I throw'd up my ancient white hat in perfeck rapters. 
 
 " Is this roll-book to be filled up with the names of men or 
 wimin ? " she cried. 
 
 " With men ! with men ! " and our quoty was made up that 
 very night. 
 
 There is a great deal of gas about these war meetins. A 
 war meetin, in fact, without gas, would be suthin like the 
 play of Hamlet with the part of Othello omitted. 
 
254 ARTEMUS WARD'S AUTOBIOGRAPHY. 
 
 adapted to the understanding of little children, accompanyin 
 myself on a claironett — which I forgot where I was one day, 
 singin, instid of " Oh,- how pleasant to be a little child," 
 
 " Rip slap — set 'em lip again, 
 Eight in the middle of a three-cent pie," * 
 
 which mistake, added to the fact that I couldn't play onto the 
 claironett except making it howl dismal, broke up the picnic, 
 and children said, -in voices choked with sobs and emotions, 
 where was their home and where was their Pa ? and I said, Be 
 quiet, dear children, I am your Pa, which made a young 
 woman with two twins by her side say very angryly, " Good 
 heavens forbid you should ever be the Pa of any of these 
 innocent ones, unless it is much desirable for them to expire 
 igminyusly upon to a murderer's gallus ! " 
 
 I say I will not speak of this. Let it be Berrid into 
 Oblivyun. 
 
 In your article, Mr Editer, please tell him what sort, Of a 
 man I am. 
 
 If you see fit to kriticise my Show, speak your mind freely. 
 I do not object to kriticism. Tell the public, in a candid and 
 graceful article, that my Show abounds in moral and startlin 
 cooriosi ties, any one m of whom is'wuth dubble the price of 
 admission. 
 
 I hav thus far spoke of myself excloosivly as a exhibiter. 
 
 I was born in the State of Maine of parents. As a infant 
 I attracted a great -deal of attention. The nabers would stand 
 over my cradle for hours and say, "How bright that little face 
 looks ! How much it nose ! " The young ladies would carry 
 me round in their arms, sayin I was muzzer's bezzy darlin and 
 a sweety 'eety 'ittle ting. It was nice, tho' I wasn't old enuff 
 to properly appreciate it. I'm a healthy old darlin now. 
 
 I have allers sustained a good moral character. I was never 
 a Kailroad director in my life. 
 
 * As I have mentioned in the Introduction, this popular western song 
 is the original of the London " Slap bang ! here we are again." 
 
THINGS IN NEW YORK. 255 
 
 Altho' in early life I did not inva'bly confine myself to truth 
 in my small bills, I have been, gradooally growin respectabler 
 and respectabler ev'ry year. I luv my children, and never 
 mistake another man's wife for my own. I'm not a member 
 of any meetin house, but firmly bel'eve in meetin houses, and 
 shouldn't feel safe to take a dose of laudnum and lay down in 
 the street of a village that hadn't any, with a thousand dollars 
 in my vest pockets. 
 
 My temperament is billious, altho' I don't owe a dollar in 
 the world. 
 
 I am a early riser, but my wife is a Presbyterian. I may 
 add that I am also bald-heded. I keep two cows. 
 
 I liv in Baldinsville, Indiany. My next door naber is Old 
 Steve Billins. I'll tell you a little story about Old Steve that 
 will make you larf. He jined the Church last spring, and the 
 minister said, " You must go home now, Brother Billins, and 
 erect a family altar in your own house," whereupon the egrejis 
 old ass went home and built a reg'lar pulpit in his settin room. 
 He had the jiners in his house over four days. 
 
 I am 56 (56) years of age. Time, with its relentless scythe 
 is ever busy. The Old Sexton gathers them in, he gathers 
 them in ! I keep a pig this year. 
 
 I don't think of anything more, Mr Ed'ter. 
 
 If you should giv my portrait in connection with my Bogfry,' 
 please have me ingraved in a languishin attitood, leanin on a 
 marble pillar, leavin my back hair as it is now. — Trooly yours, 
 
 Artemus Waed. 
 
 3.— THINGS IN NEW YORK. 
 
 The stoodent and connyseer must have noticed and admired 
 in varis parts of the United States of America, large yeller 
 handbills, which not only air gems of art in theirselves, but 
 they troothfully sit forth the attractions of my show — a show, 
 
256 THINGS IN NEW YORK. 
 
 •t 
 
 let me here obsarve, that contains many livin wild animils, 
 every one of which has got a Beautiful Moral. 
 
 Them handbils is sculpt * in New York. 
 
 & I annoolly repair here to git some more on um ; 
 
 &, bein here, I tho't I'd issoo a Address to the public on 
 matters and things. 
 
 Since last I meyandered these streets, I have bin all over the 
 Pacific Slopes and Utah. I cum back now, with my virtoo 
 unimpared, but I've got to git some new clothes. 
 
 Many changes has taken place, even durin my short ab- 
 sence, & sum on um is Solium to contempulate. The house in 
 Varick Street, f where I used to Board, is bein torn down. 
 That house, which was rendered memoriable by my livin into 
 it, is " parsin away ! ' parsin away ! " But some of the timbers 
 will be made into canes, which will be sold to my admirers at 
 the low price of one dollar each. Thus is changes goin on 
 continerly. In the New "World it is war — in the Old World 
 Empires is totterin & Dysentaries is crumblin. These canes 
 is cheap at a dollar. 
 
 Sammy Booth, Duane Street, % sculps my hanbills, & he 's a 
 artist. He studid in Eome — State of New York. 
 
 I 'm here to read the proof-sheets of my hanbils as fast as 
 they 're sculpt. You have to watch these ere printers pretty 
 close, for they 're jest as apt to spel a word rong as anyhow. . 
 
 But I have time to look round sum & how do I find things ? 
 I return to the Atlantic States after a absence of ten months, 
 & what State do I find the country in ? Why, I don't know 
 what State I find it in. Suffice it to say, that I do not find it 
 in the State of New Jersey. § 
 
 * "To sculp," is to engrave on wood or any other substance. 
 
 + Artemus Ward lived in Varick Street, Canal Street, New York, while 
 editor of Vanity Fair; and the American phrase is "where I board," 
 not " where I lodge." 
 
 J A well-known printer for showmeD in New York. 
 
 § It is the custom among the New Yorkers to ridicule the adjoining 
 State of New Jersey. 
 
THINGS IN NEW YORK. 257 
 
 I find sum things that is cheerin, partic'ly the resolve on 
 the part of the wimin of America to stop wearin furrin goods. 
 
 I never meddle with my wife's things. She may wear 
 muslin from Greenland's icy mountins, and bombazeen from 
 Injy's coral strands, if she wants to ; but I 'm glad to state 
 that that superior woman has peeled off all her furrin clothes 
 and jumpt into fabrics of domestic manufactur. 
 
 But, says sum folks, if you stop importin things you stop 
 the revenoo. That 's all right. "We can stand it if the Eevenoo 
 can. On the same principle young men should continer to get 
 drunk on French brandy and to smoke their livers as dry as a 
 corncob * with Cuby cigars, because 4-sooth if they don't, it 
 will hurt the Eevenoo ! This talk 'bout the Eevenoo is of the 
 bosh, boshy. One thing is tol'bly certin — if we don't send 
 gold out of the country we shall have the consolation of know- 
 ing that it is in the country. So I say great credit is doo the 
 wimin for this patriotic move— and to tell the trooth, the 
 wimin genrally know what they 're 'bout. Of all the blessins 
 they're the soothinist. If there 'd never bin any wimin, where 
 would my children be to-day ? 
 
 But I hope this move will lead to other moves that air just 
 as much needed, one of whichis a genral and therrer curtain- 
 ment of expenses all round The fact is we air gettin ter'bly 
 extravagant, & onless we paws in our mad career in less than 
 two years the Goddess of Liberty will be seen dodgin into a 
 Pawn Broker's shop with the other gown done up in a bundle, 
 even if she don't have to Spout the gold stars in her head- 
 band. Let us all take hold jintly, and live and dress centsibly 
 like our forefathers, who know'd moren we do, if they warn't 
 quite so honest ! (Suttle goaketh.) 
 
 Thereair other cheerin signs. We don't, forinstuns, lack great 
 Gen'rals, and we certinly don't lack brave sojers — but there's 
 one thing I wish we did lack, and that is our present Congress. 
 
 * "A corncob" is the husk of an ear of Indian corn after the edible 
 portion has been removed. 
 
258 THINGS IN NEW YORK. 
 
 I venture to say that if you sarch the earth all over with a 
 ten-hoss power mikriscope, you won't be able to find such 
 another pack of poppycock* gabblers as the present Congress 
 of the United States of America. 
 
 Gentlemen of the Senit & of the House, you 've sot there 
 and draw'd your pay and made summer-complaint speeches 
 long enuff. The country at large, incloodin the undersined, 
 is disgusted with you. Why don't you show us a statesman — 
 sumbody who can make a speech that will hit the pop'lar hart 
 right under the Great Public weskit 1 Why don't you show us 
 a statesman who can rise up to the Emergency, and cave in 
 the Emergency's head ? 
 
 Congress, you won't do. Go home, you mizzerable devils — 
 go home ! 
 
 At a special Congressional 'lection in my district the other 
 dey I delib'ritly voted for Henry Clay. I admit that Henry is 
 dead, but inasmuch as we don't seem to have a live statesman 
 in our National Congress, let us by all means have a first-class 
 corpse. 
 
 Them who think that a cane made from the timbers of the 
 house I once boarded in is essenshalto their happiness, should 
 not delay about sendin the money right on for one. 
 
 And now, with a genuine hurrar for the wimin who air 
 goin to abandin furrin goods, and another for the patriotic 
 everywheres, I '11 leave public matters and indulge in a little 
 pleasant family-gossip. 
 
 My reported captur by the North American savijis of Utah, 
 led my wide circle of friends and creditors to think that I had 
 bid adoo to earthly things, and was a angel playin on a golden 
 harp. Hents my rival home was onexpected. 
 
 It was 11 p.m. when I reached my 1 homestid and knocked a 
 healthy knock on the door thereof. 
 
 A nightcap thrusted itself out of the front chamber winder. 
 (It was my Betsy's nightcap.) And a voice said : 
 
 * " All poppycock ! " Anglici, all sound and fury, signifying nothing. 
 
THINGS IN NEW YORK. 259 
 
 "Who is it?" 
 
 " It is a Man ! " I answered, in a gruff vois. 
 
 " I don't b'lieve it ! " she sed. 
 
 " Then come down and search me," I replied. 
 
 Then resumin my nat'ral voice, I said, " It is your own A. 
 W., Betsy ! Sweet lady, wake ! Ever of thou ! " 
 
 " Oh," she said, " it 's you, is it ? I thought I smelt some- 
 thing." 
 
 But the old girl was glad to see me. 
 
 In the mornin I found that my family were entertainin a 
 artist from Philadelphy, who was there paintin some startlin 
 waterfalls and mountins, and I morin suspected he had a han- 
 kerin for my oldest dauter. 
 
 " Mr Skimmerhorn, father," sed my dauter. 
 
 " Glad to, see you, sir !" I replied in a hospittle vois — " glad 
 to see you." 
 
 " He is an artist, father," sed my child. 
 
 " A whichist ?" 
 
 " An artist. A painter." 
 
 "And glazier?" I askt. "Air you a painter and glazier, 
 sir?" 
 
 My dauter and wife was mad, but I couldn't help it, I felt 
 in a comikil mood. 
 
 " It is a wonder to me, sir," said the artist, " considerin what 
 a wide-spread reputation you have, that some of our Eastern 
 managers don't secure you." , 
 
 " It 's a wonder to me$" said I to my wife, " that somebody 
 don't secure him with a chain." 
 
 After breakfast I went over to town to see my old friends. 
 The editor of the Bugle, greeted me cordyully, and showed me 
 the follerin article he'd just written about the paper on the 
 other side of the street : — 
 
 " We have recently put up in our office an entirely new sink, 
 of unique construction — with two holes through which the 
 soiled water may pass to the new bucket underneath. What 
 
260 IN CANADA. 
 
 will the hell-hounds of The Advertiser say to this ? We shall 
 continue to make improvements as fast as our rapidly-increas- 
 ing business may warrant. Wonder whether a certain Editor's 
 wife thinks she can palm off a brass watch-chain on this com- 
 munity for a gold one?" 
 
 " That," says the editor, " hits him whar he lives. That 
 will close him up as bad as it did when I wrote an article 
 ridicooling his sister, who 's got a cock-eye.'' 
 
 A few days after my return I was shown a young man, who 
 says he '11 be Dam if he goes to the war. He was settin on a 
 barrel, & was indeed a Loathsum objeck. 
 
 Last Sunday I heard Parson Batkins preach, and the good 
 old man preached well, too, tho' his prayer was rather lengthy. 
 The editor of the Bugle, who was with me, said that prayer 
 would make fifteen' squares, solid nonparil. 
 
 I don't think of nothin more to write about. So, " B'leeve 
 me if all those endearing young charms," &c, &c. 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 4.— IN CANADA. 
 
 I'm at present existin under a monikal form of Gov'ment. In 
 other words I'm travellin among the crowned heds of Canady. 
 They ai'n't pretty bad people. On the cont'ry, they air ex- 
 ceedin good people. 
 
 Troo, they air deprived of many blessins. They don't 
 enjoy, for instans, the priceless boon of a war. They haven't 
 any American Egil to onchain, and they hain't got a Fourth 
 of July to their backs. 
 
 Altho' this is a monikal form of Gov'ment, I am 'onable to 
 perceeve much moniky. I tried to git a piece in Toronto, but 
 failed to succeed. 
 
 Mrs Victoria, who is Queen of England, and has all the 
 luxuries of the markets, incloodin game in its season, don't 
 
IN CANADA. 261 
 
 bother herself much about Canady, but lets her do 'bout as 
 she's mighter. She, however, gin'rally keeps her supplied 
 with a lord, who 's called a Gov'ner Gin'ral. Sometimes the 
 politicians of Canady make it lively for this lord — for Canady 
 has politicians, and I expect they don't differ from our politi- 
 cians, some of 'em bein gifted and talented liars, no doubt. 
 
 The present Gov'ner Gin'ral of Canady is Lord Monk. I 
 saw him review some volunteers at Montreal. He was accom- 
 panied by some other lords and dukes and generals and those 
 sort of things. He rode a little bay horse, and his close wasn't 
 any better than mine. You'll always notiss, by the way, that 
 the higher up in the world a man is, the less good harness he 
 puts on. Hence Gin'ral Halleck walks the streets in plain 
 citizen's dress, while the second lieutenant of a volunteer 
 regiment piles all the brass things he can find onto his back, 
 and drags a forty-pound sword after him. 
 
 Monk has been in the lord bisniss some time, and I under- 
 stand it pays, tho' I don't know what a lord's wages is. The 
 wages of sin is death. But this has nothing to do with 
 Monk. 
 
 - One of Lord Monk's daughters rode with him on the field. 
 She has golden hair, a kind good face, and wore a red hat. I 
 should be very happy to have her pay me and my family a 
 visit at Baldinsville. Come and bring your knittin, Miss 
 Monk. Mrs Ward will do the fair thing by you. She makes 
 the best slap-jacks in America. As a slap-jackist, she has no 
 ekal. She wears the Belt. 
 
 What the review was all about, I don't know. I haven't a 
 gigantic intelleck, which can grasp great questions at onct. I 
 am not a Webster or a Seymour.* I am not a Washington or 
 a Old Abe. Fur from it. I am not as gifted a man as Henry 
 Ward Beecher. Even the congregation of Plymouth Meetin- 
 House n Brooklyn will admit that. Yes, I should think so. 
 
 * Governor Seymour was at the time this was written the popular 
 Democratic governor of the State of New York. 
 
262 IN CANADA. 
 
 But while I don't have the slitest idee as to what the review- 
 was fur, I will state that the sojers looked pretty scrumptious 
 in their red and green close. 
 
 Come with me, gentle reader, to Quebeck. Quebeck was 
 surveyed and laid out by a gentleman who had been afflicted 
 with the delirium tremens from childhood, and hence his idees 
 of things was a little irreg'ler. The streets don't lead any- 
 wheres in particler, but every wheres in gin'ral. The city is 
 bilt on a variety of perpendicler hills, each hill bein a trifle 
 wuss nor t'other one. Quebeck is full of stone walls, and 
 arches, and citadels, and things. It is said no foe could ever 
 get into Quebeck, and I guess they couldn't. And I don't see 
 what they'd want to get in there for. 
 
 Quebeck has seen lively times in a warlike way. The 
 French and Britishers had a set-to there in 1759. Jim Wolfe 
 commanded the latters, and Jo Montcalm the formers. Both 
 were hunky boys, and fit nobly. But Wolfe was too many 
 measles for Montcalm, and the French was slew'd. Wolfe 
 and Montcalm was both killed. In arter years a common 
 monyment was erected by the gen'rous people of Quebeck, 
 aided by a bully Earl named George Dalhousie, to these noble 
 fellows. That was well done. 
 
 Durin the Revolutionary War B. Arnold* made his way, 
 through dense woods and thick snows, from Maine to Que- 
 beck, which it was one of the hunkiest things ever done in 
 the military line. It would have been better if B. Arnold's 
 funeral had come off immediately on his arrival there. 
 
 On the Plains of Abraham there was onct some tall fitin, 
 and ever since then there has been a great demand for the 
 bones of the slew'd on that there occassion. But the real 
 ginooine bones was long ago carried off, and now the boys 
 make a hansum thing by cartin the bones of hosses and sheep 
 out there, and sellin 'em to intelligent American towerists. 
 
 * Benedict Arnold, whom Americans always stigmatise as " the traitor 
 Arnold." 
 
IN CANADA. 263 
 
 Takin a perfessional view of this dodge, I must say that it 
 betrays genius of a lorfty character. 
 
 It reminded me of an inspired feet of my own. I used to 
 exhibit a wax figure of Henry Wilkins, the Boy Murderer. 
 Henry had, in a moment of inadvertence, killed his Uncle 
 Ephram, and walked off with the old man's money. Well, this 
 stattoo was lost somehow, and not sposin it would make any 
 particler difference, I substitooted the full-grown stattoo of one 
 of my distinguished piruts for the Boy Murderer. One night 
 I exhibited to a poor but honest audience in the town of Stone- 
 ham, Maine. " This, ladies and gentlemen," said I, pointing 
 my umbrella (that weapon which is indispensable to every 
 troo American) to the stattoo, " this is a life-like wax figger 
 of the notorious Henry "Wilkins, who in the dead of night 
 murdered his Uncle Ephram in cold blood. A sad warning 
 to all uncles havin murderers for nephews. When a mere 
 child this Henry Wilkins was compelled to go to the Sunday* 
 school. He carried no Sunday-school book. The teacher 
 told him to go home and bring one. He went, and returned 
 with a comic song book. A depraved proceedin." 
 
 " But," says a man in the audience, " when you was here 
 before your wax figure represented Henry Wilkins as a boy. 
 Now, Henry was hung, and yet you show him to us now as a 
 full-grown man. How 's that 1 " 
 
 " The figger has growd, sir — it has growd," I said. 
 
 I was angry. If it had been in these times I think I should 
 have informed agin him as a traitor to his flag, and had him 
 put in Fort Lafayette. 
 
 I say adoo to Quebeck with regret. It is old fogyish, but 
 chock full of interest. Young gentlemen of a romantic turn 
 of mind, who air botherin their heads as to how they can 
 spend their father's money, had better see Quebeck. 
 
 Altogether I like Canady. Good people, and lots of pretty 
 
 girls. I wouldn't mind comin over here to live in the capacity 
 
 - of a Duke, provided a vacancy occurs, and provided further, I 
 
2 54 THE NOBLE RED MAN. 
 
 could be allowed a fow star-spangled banners, a eagle, a boon 
 of liberty, etc. 
 
 Don't think I've skedaddled. Not at all. I'm Coming 
 home in a week. 
 
 Let 's have the Union restored as it was, if we can ; but if 
 we can't, I'm in favour of the Union as it wasn't. But the 
 Union anyhow. 
 
 Gentlemen of the editorial corps, if you would be happy be 
 virtoous ! I, who am the emblem of virtoo, tell you so. 
 
 (Signed) "A. Ward." 
 
 5.— THE NOBLE RED MAN. 
 
 The red man of the forest was form'ly a very respectful person. 
 Justice to the noble aboorygine warrants me in sayin that of 
 orrigernerly he was a majestic cuss. 
 
 At the time Chris, arrove on these shores (I allood to Chris. • 
 Columbus), the savajis was virtoous and happy. They were 
 innocent of secession, rum, drawpoker,* and sinfulness gin'rally. 
 They didn't discuss the slavery question as a custom. They 
 had no Congress, faro banks, delirium tremens, or Associated 
 Press. Their habits was consequently good. Late suppers, 
 dyspepsy, gas companies, thieves, ward politicians, pretty 
 waiter-girls, and other metropolitan refinements, were un- 
 known among them. No savage in good standing would take 
 postage-stamps. You couldn't have bo't a coon skin with a 
 barrel of 'em. The female aboorygine never died of consump- 
 tion, because she didn't tie her waist up in whalebone things ; 
 but in loose and flowin garments she bounded, with naked 
 feet, over hills and plains like the wild and frisky antelope. 
 It was a onlucky moment for us when Chris, sot his foot onto 
 these ere shores. It would have been better for us of the 
 
 * " Draw-poeker " is a game of cards very commonly played on the Mis- 
 sissippi steamers and elsewhere. 
 
THE SERENADE. 265 
 
 present day if the injins had given him a warm meal and sent 
 him home ore the ragin billers. For the savages owned the 
 country, and Columbus was a fillibuster. Cortez, Pizarro, and 
 Walker were one-horse fillibusters — Columbus was a four-horse 
 team fillibuster, and a large yaller dog under the waggin. I 
 say, in view of the mes& we are inakin of things, it would have 
 been better for us if Columbus had staid to home. It would 
 have been better for the show bisniss. The circulation of 
 Vanity Fair* would be larger, and the proprietors would all 
 have boozum pins ! Yes, sir, and perhaps a ten-pin alley. 
 
 By which I don't wish to be understood as intimatin that 
 the scalpin wretches who are in the injin bisniss at the pre- 
 sent day are of any account, or calculated to make home 
 happy, specially the Sioxes of Minnesoty, who desarve to be 
 murdered in the first degree, and if Popet will only stay in 
 St Paul and not go near 'em himself, I reckon they will be. 
 
 6.— THE SERENADE. 
 
 Things in our town is workin. The canal boat Lucy Ann 
 called in here the other day and reported all quiet on the 
 Wabash. The Lucy Ann has adopted a new style of Bin- 
 nakle light, in the shape of a red-headed girl, who sits up over 
 the compass. It works well. 
 
 The artist I spoke about in my larst has returned to Phila- 
 delphy. Before he left I took his lily-white hand in mine. I 
 suggested to him that if he could induce the citizens of Phila- 
 delphy to believe it would be a good idea to have white winder- 
 shutters on their houses and white door-stones, he might make 
 a fortin. " It 's a novelty,'' I added, " and may startle 'em at 
 fust, but they may donclood to adopt it." 
 
 * At the time of writing, Artemus Ward was editor of this periodical 
 It is long defunct. 
 
 + General Pope, after his failure in Virginia, was sent to fight the Indians 
 in the North- West. 
 
266 THE SERENADE. 
 
 1 As several of our public men are constantly being surprised 
 with serenades, I concluded I 'd be surprised in the same way, 
 so I made arrangements accordin. I asked the Brass Band 
 how much they 'd take to take me entirely by surprise with a 
 serenade. They said they 'd overwhelm me with a unexpected 
 honour for seven dollars, which I excepted. 
 
 I wrote out my impromptoo speech severil days beforehand, 
 bein very careful to expunge all ingramatticisms and payin 
 particler attention to the punktooation. It was, if I may say 
 it without egitism, a manly effort ; but, alars ! I never delivered 
 it, as the sekel will show you. I paced up and down the 
 kitchin speakin my piece over so as to be entirely perfeck. 
 My bloomin young daughter, Sarah Ann, bothered me summut 
 by singin, " Why do summer roses fade ? " 
 
 " Because,'' said I, arter hearin her sing it about fourteen 
 times, " because it 's their biz ! Let 'em fade." 
 
 " Betsy,'' said I, pausin in the middle of the room and let- 
 ting my eagle eye wander from the manuscrip — " Betsy, on the 
 night of this here serenade, I desires you to appear at the 
 winder dressed in white, and wave a lily-white handkercher. 
 D 'ye hear 1 " 
 
 " If I appear," said that remarkable female, " I shall wave a 
 lily-white bucket of bilin hot water, and somebody will be 
 scalded. One bald-headed old fool will get his share." 
 
 She refer'd to her husband. No doubt about it in my mind. 
 But for fear she might exasperate me I said nothin. 
 
 The expected night cum. At nine o'clock precisely there 
 was sounds of footsteps in the yard, and the Band struck up a 
 lively air, which when they did finish it, there was cries of 
 " Ward ! Ward ! " I stept out onto the portico. A brief 
 glance showed me that the assemblage was summut mixed. 
 There was a great many ragged boys, and there was quite a 
 number of grown-up persons evigently under the affluence of 
 the intoxicatin bole. The Band was also drunk. Dr Schwazey, 
 who was holdin up a post, seemed to be partic'ly drunk — so 
 
THE SERENADE. 267 
 
 much so that it had got into his spectacles, which were stag- 
 gerin wildly over his nose. But I was in for it, and I com- 
 menced : — 
 
 " Feller Citizens, — For this onexpected honor " 
 
 Leader of the Band. — "Will you give us our money now, or 
 wait till you git through 2 " 
 
 To this painful and disgustin interruption I paid no 
 attention. 
 
 " for this onexpected honor, I thank you." 
 
 Leader of the Band. — But you said you'd give us seven 
 dollars if we 'd play two choons." 
 
 Again I didn't notice him, but resumed as follows : — 
 
 " I say, I thank you warmly. When I look at this crowd 
 of true Americans, my heart swells " 
 
 Br Schwazey. — So do I ! 
 
 A voice. — We all do ! 
 
 " my heart swells " 
 
 A voice. — Three cheers for the swells. 
 
 " We live," said I, " in troublous times, but I hope we shall 
 again resume our former proud position, and go on in our 
 glorious career ! " 
 
 Dr Schwazey. — I 'm willin for one to go on in a glorious 
 career ! Will you join me, fellow citizens, in a glorious career ? 
 What wages does a man git for a glorious career, when he finds 
 himself? 
 
 "Dr Schwazey," said I, sternly, "you are drunk. You're 
 disturbin the meetin." 
 
 Br S. — Have you a banquet spread in the house ? I should 
 like a rhynossyross on the half shell, or a hippopotamus on 
 toast, or a horse and wagon roasted whole. Anything that 's 
 handy. Don't put yourself out on my account. 
 
 At this pint the Band begun to make hidyous noises with 
 their brass horns, and an exceedingly ragged boy wanted to 
 know if there wasn't to be some wittles afore the concern 
 broke up ? I didn't exactly know what to do, and was just 
 
268 A ROMA NCE.— WILLI A M BA RKER. 
 
 on the pint of doin it, when a upper winder suddenly opened 
 and a stream of hot water was bro't to bear on the disorderly 
 crowd, who took the hint and retired at once. 
 
 When I am taken by surprise with another serenade, I shall, 
 among other arrangements, have a respectful company on 
 hand. So no more from me to-day. "When this you see, 
 remember me. 
 
 7.— A ROMANCE.— WILLIAM BARKER, THE YOUNG 
 PATRIOT. 
 
 1. 
 " No, William Barker, you cannot have my daughter's hand 
 in marriage until you are her equal in wealth and social 
 position." 
 
 The speaker was a haughty old man of some sixty years, 
 and the person whom he addressed was a fine-looking young 
 man of twenty-five. 
 
 With a sad aspect the young man withdrew from the stately 
 mansion. 
 
 II. 
 
 Six months later the young man stood in the presence of the 
 haughty old man. 
 
 " What ! you here again ? " angrily cried the old man. 
 
 " Ay, old man," proudly exclaimed William Barker, " I am 
 here, your daughter's equal and yours ! " 
 
 The old man's lips curle'd with scorn. A derisive smile lit 
 up his cold features ; when, casting violently upon the marble 
 centre table an enormous roll of greenbacks, William Barker 
 cried : — 
 
 " See ! Look on this wealth. And I 've tenfold more ! 
 Listen, old man ! You spurned me from your door. But I 
 did not despair. I secured a contract for furnishings the Army 
 of the with beef •-" 
 
A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. 269 
 
 " Yes, yes ! " eagerly exclaimed the old man. 
 
 " and I bought up all the disabled cavalry horses I 
 
 could find " 
 
 " I see ! I see ! " "cried the old man. " And good beef they 
 make, too." 
 
 " They do ! they do ! and the profits are immense." 
 
 " I should say so ! " 
 
 " And now, sir, I claim your daughter's fair hand ! " 
 
 " Boy, she is yours. But hold ! Look me in the eye. 
 Throughout all this have you been loyal?" 
 
 " To the core ! " cried William Barker. , 
 
 "And," continued the old man, in a voice husky with 
 emotion, " are you in favour of a vigorous prosecution of the 
 war?" 
 
 "lam! lam!" 
 
 " Then, boy, take her ! Maria, child, come hither. Your 
 "William claims thee. Be happy, my children ! and whatever 
 our lot in life may be, let us all support the Government ! " * 
 
 8.— A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 [Which may bother the reader a little, unless he is familiar with the 
 music of the day.] 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Philander Eeed struggled with spool-thread + and tape in 
 a dry-goods store at Ogdensburgh, on the St Lawrence Biver, 
 State of New York. He Rallied Bound the Flag, Boys,:}: and 
 Hailed Columbia every time she passed that way. One day, 
 
 * Aimed as this arrow (the whole chapter) was against the Shoddyites 
 in the days of Shoddy, the reader can understand how the shaft went 
 home. 
 
 + It is a spool of cotton, not a reel, in the States. 
 
 % Nearly all the phrases in this sketch are titles of American songs 
 popular during the war. 
 
270 A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 a regiment returning from the war Came Marching Along, 
 bringing An Intelligent Contraband with them, who left the 
 South about the time Babylon was a-Fallin, and when it was 
 apparent to all well-ordered minds that "the Kingdom was 
 Coming, accompanied by the Day of Jubiloo. Philander left 
 his spool-thread and tape, rushed into the street, and by his 
 Long-Tail Blue, said, " Let me kiss him for his Mother.'' 
 Then, with patriotic jocularity, he inquired, "How is your 
 High Daddy in the Morning?" to which Pomp of Cudjo's 
 Cave replied, " That poor Old Slave has gone to rest, we ne'er 
 shall see him more ! But U. S. G. is the man for me, or Any 
 Other Man." Then he Walked Bound. 
 
 "And your Master," said Philander, "where is he?" 
 
 " Massa 's in the cold, cold ground — at least I hope so ! " 
 said the gay contraband. 
 
 " March on, March on ! all hearts rejoice ! " cried the 
 Colonel, who was mounted on a Bob-tailed nag — on which, in 
 times of Peace, my soul, Peace ! he had betted his money. 
 
 " Yaw," said a German Bold Sojer Boy, " we don't-fights- 
 mit-Segel as much as we did." 
 
 The regiment marched on, and Philander betook himself to 
 his mother's Cottage near the Banks of that Lone Biver, and 
 rehearsed the stirring speech he was to make that night at a 
 war meeting. 
 
 " It 's just before the battle, Mother," he said, " and I want 
 to say something that will encourage Grant." 
 
 CHAPTER II. — MABEL. 
 
 Mabel Tucker was an orphan. Her father, Dan Tucker, 
 was run over one day by a train of cars, though he needn't 
 have been, for the kind-hearted engineer told him to Git Out 
 of the Way. 
 
 Mabel early manifested a marked inclination for the millinery 
 business, and at the time we introduce her to our readers, she 
 
A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. 271 
 
 was Chief Engineer of a Millinery Shop and Boss of a Sewing 
 Machine. 
 
 Philander Eeed loved Mabel Tucker, and Ever of her was 
 Fondly Dreaming ; and she used to say, " Will you love me 
 Then as Now?" to which he would answer that he would, 
 and without the written consent of his parents. 
 
 She sat in the parlour of the Cot where she was Born, one 
 Summer's eve, with pensive thought, when Somebody came 
 Knocking at the Door. It was Philander. Fond Embrace 
 and things. Thrilling emotions. P. very pale, and shaky on 
 the legs. Also, sweaty. 
 
 " Where hast thou been ? " she said. " Hast been gathering 
 shells from youth to age, and then leaving them like a che-eild 1 
 Why this tremors 1 Why these Sadfulness 1 " 
 
 " Mabeyuel ! " he cried, " Mabeyuel ! They 've Drafted me 
 into the Army ! " 
 
 An Orderly Seargeant now appears and says, " Come, Phil- 
 ander, let 's be a marching ; " and he tore her from his embrace 
 (P.'s), and marched the conscript to the Examining Surgeon's 
 office. 
 
 Mabel fainted in two places. It was worse than Brothers 
 Fainting at the Door. 
 
 CHAPTER IIL-r-THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 Philander Reed hadn't three hundred dollars, being a dead- 
 broken Eeed, so he must either become one of the noble Band 
 who are Coming, Father Abraham, three hundred thousand 
 more, or skedaddle across the St Lawrence Eiver to the Canada 
 Line. As his opinions had recently undergone a radical 
 change, he chose the latter course, and was soon Afloat, afloat, 
 on the swift rolling tide. "Row, brothers, row," he cried, 
 " the stream runs fast, the Seargeant is near, and the'Zamina- 
 tion 's past, and I 'm a able-bodied man." 
 
 Landing, he at once imprinted a conservative kiss on the 
 Canada Line, and feelingly asked himself, " Who will care for 
 
272 A ROMANCE.— THE CONSCRIPT. 
 
 Mother now ? But I propose to stick it out on this Line, if it 
 takes all Summer.'' 
 
 CHAPTER IV. — THE MEETING. 
 
 It was evening, it was. The Star of the Evening, Beautiful 
 Star, shone brilliantly, adorning the sky with those Neutral 
 tints which have characterised all British skies ever since this 
 War broke out. 
 
 Philander sat on the Canada Line, playing with his Yard- 
 stick, and perhaps about to take the measure of an unmade 
 piece of calico ; when Mabel, with a wild cry of joy, sprang 
 from a small boat to his side. The meeting was too much. 
 They divided a good square faint between them this time. At 
 last Philander found his utterance, and said, " Do they think 
 of me at Home, do they ever think of me ? " 
 
 " No,'' she replied, " but they do at the recruiting office." 
 
 " Ha ! 'tis well." 
 
 " Nay, dearest," Mabel pleaded, " come home and go to the 
 war like a man ! I will take your place in the Dry Goods 
 store. True, a musket is a little heavier than a yardstick, but 
 isn't it a rather more manly weapon ? " 
 
 " I don't see it," was Philander" s reply ; " besides, this war 
 isn't conducted accordin to the Constitution and Union. When 
 it is — when it is, Mabeyuel, I will return and enlist as a Con- 
 valescent ! " 
 
 " Then, sir,'' she said, with much American disgust in her 
 countenance — " then, sir, farewell ! " 
 
 " Farewell ! " he said, " and When this Cruel War is Over, 
 pray that we may meet again ! " 
 
 " Nary !" cried Mabel, her eyes flashing warm fire, — " nary I 
 
 None but the brave deserve the Sanitary Fair! A man 
 
 who will desert his country in its hour of trial would drop 
 
 Faro checks* into the Contribution Box on Sunday. I hain't 
 
 The pieces of ivory used by gamblers in playing the game of 
 faro. 
 
A ROMANCE.— ONLY A MECHANIC. 273 
 
 Got time to tarry — I hain't got time to stay ! — but here 's a 
 gift at parting : a White Feather : wear it into your hat ! " and 
 She was Gone from his gaze, like a beautiful dream. 
 
 Stung with remorse and mosquitoes, this miserable young 
 man, in a fit of frenzy, unsheathed his glittering dry-goods 
 scissors, cut off four yards (good measure) of the Canada Line, 
 and hanged himself on a "Willow Tree. Bequiescat in Tape. 
 His stick drifted to My Country 'tis of thee ! and may be seen, 
 in connection with many others, on the stage of any New York 
 theatre every night. 
 
 The Canadians won't have any Line pretty soon. The 
 skedaddlers will steal it. Then the Canadians won't know 
 whether they 're in the United States or not, in which case 
 they may be drafted. 
 
 Mabel married a Brigadier-General, and is happy. 
 
 9.— A ROMANCE.— ONLY A MECHANIC. 
 
 In a sumptuously furnished parlour in Fifth Avenue, New 
 York, sat a proud and haughty belle. Her name was Isabel 
 Sawtelle. Her father. was a millionaire, and his ships, richly 
 laden, ploughed many a sea. 
 
 By the side of Isabel Sawtelle sat a young man, with a clear, 
 beautiful eye, and a massive brow. 
 
 " I must go," he said ; "the foreman will wonder at my 
 absence." 
 
 " The foreman ? " asked Isabel, in a tone of surprise. 
 
 " Yes, the foreman of the shop where I work." 
 
 " Foreman^shop — work! What !. do you work 1 " 
 
 " Ay, Miss Sawtelle! I am a cooper!" and his eyes flashed 
 with honest pride. 
 
 " What 'a that 1 " she asked ; " it is something about barrels, 
 isn't it 1" 
 
274 BOSTON. 
 
 " It is ! " he said, with a flashing nostril. " And hogs- 
 
 " Then go ! " she said, in a tone of disdain — " go away!" 
 "Ha!" he cried, "you spurn me, then, because I am a 
 mechanic. Well, be it so ! though the time will come, Isabel 
 gawtelle," he added — and nothing could exceed his looks at this 
 moment — " when you will bitterly remember the cooper you 
 now so cruelly cast of ! Farewell!" 
 
 Years rolled on. Isabel Sawtelle married a miserable aris- 
 tocrat, who recently died of delirium tremens. Her father 
 failed, and is now a raving maniac, and wants to bite little 
 children. All her brothers (except one) were sent to the peni- 
 tentiary for burglary, and her mother peddles clams that are 
 stolen for her by little George, her only son that has his free- 
 dom. Isabel's sister, Bianca, rides an immoral spotted horse 
 in the circus, her husband having long since been hanged for 
 murdering his own uncle on his mother's side. Thus we see 
 that it is always best to marry a mechanic. 
 
 10.— BOSTON. 
 
 A. W. TO HIS WIFE.* 
 
 Dear Betsy, — I write you this from Boston, " the Modern 
 Atkins," as it is denomyunated, altho' I skurcely know what 
 those air. I'll giy you a kursoory view of this city. I'll 
 klassify the paragrafs under seprit headins, arter the stile of 
 those Emblems of Trooth and Poority, the Washington corres- 
 pongdents : — 
 
 COPPS' HILL. 
 
 The winder of my room commands a exileratin view of 
 
 * Though Artemus addresses this " to his wife," he was a bachelor when 
 I parted from him four months ago, and, I believe, is so still. This note 
 is for the benefit of the ladies. 
 
BOSTON. 275 
 
 Copps' Hill, where Cotton Mather, the father of the Eeformers 
 and sich, lies berrid. There is men even now who worship 
 Cotton, and there is wimin who wear him next their harts. 
 But I do not weep for him. He 's bin ded too lengthy. I 
 aint goin to be absurd, like old Mr Skillins, in our naberhood, 
 who is ninety-six years of age, and gets drunk every 'lection 
 day, and weeps Bitturly because he haint got no Parents. 
 He 's a nice Orphan, he is. 
 
 BUNKER HILL. 
 
 Bunker Hill is over yonder in Charleston. In 1 776 a thrillin 
 dramy was acted out over there, in which the " Warren Com- 
 bination"* playedstar parts. 
 
 ME FANUEL. 
 
 , Old Mr Fanuel is ded, but his Hall t is still into full blarst. 
 This is the Cradle in which the Goddess of Liberty was rocked, 
 my Dear. The Goddess hasn't bin very well durin the past 
 few years, and the num'ris quack doctors she called in didn't 
 help her any ; but the old gal's physicians now are men who 
 understand their bisness, Major-generally speakin, and I think 
 the day is near when she'll bei able to take her three meals a 
 day, and sleep nights as comf 'bly as in the old time. 
 
 THE COMMON. 
 
 It is here, as ushil ; and the low cuss who called it a Wacant 
 Lot, and wanted to know why they didn't ornament it with 
 sum Bildins, is a onhappy Outcast in Naponsit. 
 
 * Mr William Warren, the comedian, is the uncle of Mr Joseph Jeffer- 
 son, the actor, now in this country. He was travelling with a theatrical 
 combination at the time of this article being -written. 
 
 + Faneuil Hall, Boston, wherein the first revolutionary speeches were 
 made. The Bostonians delight in calling it the " Cradle of Liberty." 
 
276 BOSTON. 
 
 THE LEGISLATOR. 
 
 The State House is filled with Statesmen, but sum of 'em 
 wear queer hats. They buy 'em, I take it, of hatters who 
 carry on hat stores down-stairs in Dock Square, and whose 
 hats is either ten years ahead of the prevalin stile, or ten 
 years behind it — jest as a intellectooal person seBs fit to think 
 about it. I had the pleasure of talkin with sevril members 
 of the legislator. I told 'em the Eye of 1000 ages was onto 
 we American peple of to-day. They seemed deeply inpressed 
 by the remark, and wantid to know if I had seen the Grate 
 Orgin 1 * 
 
 HARVARD COLLEGE. 
 
 This celebrated institootion of learnin is pleasantly situated 
 in the Bar-room of Parker's, in School Street,f and has poopils 
 from all over the country. 
 
 I had a letter yes'd'y, by the way, from our mootual son, 
 Artemus, Jr., who is at Bowdoin College in Maine. He writes 
 that he 's a. Bowdoin Arab. & is it cum to this? Is this Boy, 
 as I nurtered with a Parent's care into his childhood's hour — 
 is he goin to be a Grate American humourist ? Alars ! I fear 
 it is too troo. Why didn't I bind him out to the Patent 
 Travellin Vegetable Pill Man, as was struck with his appear- 
 ance at our last County Fair, & wanted him to go with him 
 and be a Pillist 1 Ar, these Boys — they little know how the 
 old folks worrit about 'em. But my father he never had no 
 occasion to worrit about me. You know, Betsy, that when I 
 fust commenced my career as a moral exhibitor with a six- 
 legged cat and a Bass drum, I was only a simple peasant child 
 — skurce 15 Summers had fiow'd over my yoothful hed. But 
 I had sum mind of my own. My father understood this. 
 " Go," he said— "go, my son, and hog the public ! " (hement, 
 
 * The great organ in the Music Hall is the latest "lion " of Boston. 
 + Alluding to the extreme popularity of this drinking-aaloon among the 
 students of Harvard College. 
 
BOSTON. 177 
 
 " knock 'em," but the old man was alius a little given to 
 slang). He put his withered han' tremblinly onto my hed, 
 and went sadly into the house. I thought I saw tears tricklin 
 down his venerable chin, but it might hav been tobacker 
 jooce. He chaw'd. 
 
 LITERATOOR. 
 
 The Atlantic Monthly, Betsy, is a reg'lar visitor to our 
 westun home. I like it because it has got sense. It don't 
 print stories with piruts and honist young men into 'em, 
 making the piruts splendid iellers and the honist young men 
 dis'gree'ble idiots — so that our darters very nat'rally prefer 
 the piruts to the honist young idiots ; but it gives us good 
 square American literatoor. The chaps that write for the 
 Atlantic, Betsy, understand their bisness. They can sling ink, 
 they can. I went in and saw 'em. I told 'em that theirs 
 was a high and holy mission. They seemed quite gratified, 
 and asked me if I had seen the Grate Orgin. 
 
 WHERE THE FUST ELUD WAS SPILT. 
 
 I went over to Lexington yes'd'y. My Boosum hove with 
 solium emotions. " & this," I said to a man who was drivin 
 a yoke of oxen, "this is where our revolutionary forefathers 
 asserted their independence and spilt their Blud. Classic 
 ground ! " 
 
 " Wall," the man said, " it 's good for white beans and 
 potatoes, but as regards raisin wheat, faint worth a dam. 
 But hav you seen the Grate Orgin 1 " 
 
 THE POOTY GIRL IN SPECTACLES. 
 
 I returned in the Hoss Cars, part way. A pooty girl in 
 spectacles sot near me, and was tellin a young man how much 
 he reminded her of a man she used to know in "Waltham. 
 Pooty soon the young man got out, and, smilin in a seductiv 
 
278 BOSTON 
 
 manner, I said to the girl in spectacles, " Don't I remind you 
 of somebody you used to know? " 
 
 "Yes," she said, "you do remind me of one man, but he 
 was sent to the penitentiary for stealin a Bar'l of mackril — 
 he died there, so I conclood you aint him." I didn't pursoo 
 the conversation. I only heard her silvery voice once more 
 durin the remainder of the jerney. Turnin to a respectable 
 lookin female of advanced summers, she asked her if she had 
 seen the Grate Orgin. 
 
 "We old chaps, my dear, air apt to forget that it is sum time 
 since we was infants, and et lite food. Nothin of further 
 int'rist took place on the cars excep a coloured gentleman, a 
 total stranger to me, asked if I'd lend him my diamond Brest- 
 pin to wear to a funeral in South Boston. I told him I 
 wouldn't — not a purpuss. 
 
 WILD GAME. 
 
 Altho' fur from the prahayries, there is abundans of wild 
 game in Boston, such as quails, snipes, plover, and Props.* 
 
 COMMON SKOOLS. 
 
 A excellent skool sistim is in vogy here. John Slurk, my 
 old pardner, has a little son who has only bin to skool two 
 months, and yet he exhibertid his father's performin Bear in 
 the show all last summer. I hope they pay partic'lar 'tention 
 to Spelin in these Skools, because if a man can't Spel wel he's 
 of no 'kount. 
 
 SUMMIN UP. 
 
 I ment to have allooded to the Grate Orgin in this letter, 
 but I haven't seen it. Mr Beveer, whose tavern f I stop at, 
 informed me that it can be distinctly heard through a smoked 
 
 * The game of " props," played with cowrie shells, is, I believe, peculiar 
 to the city of Boston. 
 + The Severe House is one of the best family hotels in Boston. 
 
A MORMON ROMANCE. 279 
 
 glass in his nativ town in New Hampshire, any clear day. 
 But settin the Grate Orgin aside (and indeed, I don't think I 
 heard it mentioned all the time I was there), Boston is one of 
 the grandest, sure-footedest, clear-headest, comfortablest cities 
 on the globe. Onlike eVry other large city I was ever in, 
 the most of the hackmen don't seem to hav bin speshully 
 intended by natur for the Burglery perfession, and it's about 
 the only large city I know of where you don't enjoy a brilliant 
 opportunity of bein swindled in sum way, from the Bisin of the 
 sun to the goin down thereof. There4 I say, loud and con 
 tinnered applaus for Boston ! 
 
 DOMESTIC MATTERS. 
 
 Kiss the children for me. What you tell me 'bout the Twins 
 greeves me sorely. When I sent 'em that Toy Enjine I had 
 not contempyulated that they would so fur forgit what was 
 doo the dignity of our house as to squirt dish-water on the 
 Incum Tax Collector. It is a disloyal act, and shows a prema- 
 toor leanin tords cussedness that alarms me. I send to Amelia 
 Ann, our oldest dawter, sum new music, viz. : "I am lonely 
 sints My Mother-in-law Died ; " " Dear Mother, What tho' the 
 Hand that Spanked me in my Childhood's Hour is withered 
 now?" &c. These song writers, by the way, air doin the 
 Mother Bisiriess rather too muchly. — Your Own Troo Husban, 
 
 Artemits Ward. 
 
 11.— A MORMON ROMANCE.— REGINALD 
 GLOVERSON. 
 
 CHAPTER I. — THE MORMON'S DEPARTURE. 
 
 The morning on which Beginald Gloverson was to leave Great 
 Salt Lake City with a mule-train dawned beautifully. 
 
 Eeginald Gloverson was a young and thrifty Mormon, with 
 
2 8o A MORMON ROMANCE. 
 
 an interesting family of twenty young and handsome wives. 
 His unions had never been blessed with children. As often as 
 once a year he used to go to Omaha, in Nebraska, with a mule- 
 train for goods; but although he had performed the rather 
 perilous journey many times with entire safety, his heart was 
 strangely sad on this particular morning, and filled with gloomy 
 forebodings. 
 
 The time for his departure had arrived. The high-spirited 
 mules were at the door, impatiently champing their bits. The 
 Mormon stood sadly among his weeping wives. 
 
 "Dearest ones," he said, "I am singularly sad at heart, this 
 morning ; but do not let this depress you. The journey is a 
 perilous one, but — pshaw ! I have always come back safely 
 heretofore, and why should I fear? Besides, I know that 
 every night, as I lay down on the broad starlit prairie, 
 your bright faces will come to me in my dreams, and make 
 my slumbers sweet and gentle. You, Emily, with your 
 mild blue eyes ; and you, Henrietta, with your splendid black 
 hair ; and you, Nelly, with your hair so brightly, beautifully 
 golden ; and you, Mollie, with your cheeks so downy ; and 
 you, Betsy, with your wine-red lips — far more delicious, 
 though, than any wine I ever tasted ; and you, Maria, with 
 your winsome voice ; and you, Susan, with your — with your — 
 
 1;hat is to say, Susan, with your and the other thirteen of 
 
 you, each so good and beautiful, will come to me in sweet 
 dreams, will you notj Dearestists ? " 
 
 " Our own," they lovingly chimed, " we will ! " 
 
 " And so farewell ! " cried Beginald. " Come to my arms, 
 my own ! " he said ; " that is, as many of you as can do it 
 conveniently at once, for I must away." 
 
 He folded several of them to his throbbing breast, and 
 drove sadly away. 
 
 But he had not gone far when the trace of the off-hind mule 
 became unhitched. Dismounting, he essayed to adjust the 
 
A MORMON ROMANCE. 281 
 
 trace ; but ere he had fairly commenced the task, the mule, a 
 1 singularly refractory animal, snorted wildly, and kicked Reg- 
 inald frightfully in the stomach. He arose with difficulty, and 
 tottered feebly towards his mother's house, which was near 
 by, falling dead in her yard, with the remark, " Dear mother, 
 I 've come home to die." 
 
 " So I see,"' she said ; " where 's the mules 1 " 
 Alas ! Reginald Gloverson could give no answer. In vain 
 the heart-stricken mother threw herself upou his inanimate 
 form, crying, " Oh, my son, my son ! only tell me where the 
 mules are, and then you may die if you want to.'' 
 In vain — in vain ! Eeginald had passed on. 
 
 CHAPTER II. — FUNERAL TRAPPINGS. 
 
 The mules were never found. 
 
 Reginald's heartbroken mother took the body home to her 
 unfortunate son's widows. But before her arrival she indis- 
 creetly sent a boy to bust the news gently to the afflicted 
 wives, which he did by informing them, in a hoarse whisper, 
 that their " old man had gone in." 
 
 The wives felt very badly indeed. 
 
 " He was devoted to me," sobbed Emily. . 
 
 '■' And to me," said Maria. 
 
 " Yes,'' said Emily, " he thought considerably of you, but 
 not so much as he did of me." 
 
 " I say he did ! " 
 
 " And I say he didn't ! " 
 
 " He did ! " 
 
 " He didn't ! " 
 
 " Don't look at me, with your squint eyes ! " 
 
 " Don't shake your red head at me ! " 
 
 " Sisters !" said the black-haired Henrietta, " cease this un- 
 seemly wrangling. I, as his first wife, shall strew flowers on 
 his grave." 
 
282 A MORMON ROMANCE. 
 
 " No, you won't," said Susan. " I, as his last wife; shall 
 strew flowers on his grave. It 's my business to strew ! " 
 
 " You shan't, so there ! " said Henrietta. 
 
 " You bet I will ! " said Susan, with a tear-suffused cheek. 
 
 " Well, as for me," said the practical Betsy, " I ain't on the 
 Strew, much, but I shall ride at the head of the funeral pro- 
 cession ! " 
 
 " Not if I 've been introduced to myself, you won't," said the 
 golden-haired Nelly; "that's my position. You bet your 
 bonnet-strings it is." 
 
 " Children," said Reginald's mother, " you must do -some 
 crying, you know, on the day of the funeral ; and how many 
 pocket-handkerchers will it take to go round ? Betsy, you and 
 Nelly ought to make one do between you." 
 
 " I '11 tear her eyes out if she perpetuates a sob on my hand- 
 kercher ! " said Nelly. 
 
 " Dear daughters-in-law," said Reginald's mother, " how un- 
 seemly is this anger. Mules is five hundred dollars a span, 
 and every identical mule my poor boy had has been gobbled up 
 by the red man. I knew when my Reginald staggered into the 
 door-yard that he was on the Die, but if I 'd. only thunk to 
 ask him about them mules ere his gentle spirit took flight, it 
 would have been four thousand dollars in our pockets, and no 
 mistake ! Excuse those real tears, but you 've never felt a 
 parent's feelins." 
 
 " It 's an oversight," sobbed Maria. " Don't blame us ! " 
 
 CHAPTER III. — DUST TO DUST. 
 
 The funeral passed off in a very pleasant manner, nothing 
 occurring to mar the harmony of the occasion. By a happy 
 thought of Reginald's mother the wives walked to the grave 
 twenty a-breast, which rendered that part of the ceremony 
 thoroughly impartial. 
 
 That night the twenty wives, with heavy hearts sought their 
 
A MORMON ROMANCE. 283 
 
 twenty respective couches. But no Eeginald occupied those 
 twenty respective couches— Eeginald would never more linger 
 all night in blissful repose in those twenty respective couches — 
 Reginald's head would never more press the twenty re- 
 spective pillows of those twenty respective couches never, 
 never more ! 
 
 In another house, not many leagues from the House of 
 Mourning, a gray-haired woman was weeping passionately. 
 " He died," she cried, " he died without sigerfyin, in any 
 respect, where them mules went to ! " 
 
 CHAPTER IV. — MARRIED AGAIN. 
 
 Two years are supposed to elapse between the third and fourth 
 chapters of this original American romance. 
 
 A manly Mormon, one evening, as the sun was preparing to 
 ,^-iself among a select apartment of gold and crimson clouds in the 
 western horizon — although for that matter the sun has a right 
 to " set " where it wants to, and so, I may add, has a hen — 
 a manly Mormon, I say, tapped gently at the door of the man- 
 sion of the late Eeginald Gloverson. 
 
 The door was opened by Mrs Susan Gloverson. 
 
 " Is this the house of the widow Gloverson?" the Mormon 
 
 " It is," said Susan. 
 
 " And how many is there of she 1 " inquired the Mormon. 
 
 " There is about twenty of her, including me," courteously 
 returned the fair Susan. 
 
 "Can I see her?" 
 
 " You can." 
 
 " Madam," he softly said, addressing the twenty disconsolate 
 widows, " I have seen part of you before ! And although I 
 have already twenty-five wives, whom I respect and tenderly 
 care for, I can truly say that I never felt love's holy thrill till 
 I saw thee ! Be mine — be mine ! " he enthusiastically cried, 
 
284 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 "and we will show the world a striking illustration of the beauty 
 and truth of the noble lines, only a good deal more so — 
 
 ' Twenty-one souls with a single thought, 
 Twenty-one hearts that beat as one ! ' " 
 
 They were united, they were ! 
 
 Gentle reader, does not the moral of this romance show that 
 —does it not, in fact, show that however many there may be 
 of a young widow woman — or rather, does it not show that 
 whatever number of persons one woman may consist of— 
 well, never mind what it shows. Only this writing Mormon 
 romances is confusing to the intellect. You try it and see. 
 
 12.— ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 Richmond, Va., May — , 18 & 65. 
 
 OLONZO WARD. 
 
 Afore I comments this letter from the late rebil capitol, I 
 desire to cimply say that I hav seen a low and skurrilus noat 
 in the papers from a certain purson who singes hisself Olonzo 
 Ward, & sez he is my berruther.* I did once hav a berruther 
 of that name, but I do not recugnise him now. To me he is 
 wuss than ded ! I took him from collige sum 16 years ago, 
 and gave him a good situation as the Bearded Woman in my 
 Show. How did he repay me for this kindness 1 He basely 
 undertook (one day while in a Backynalian mood on rum, & 
 right in sight of the aujience in the tent) to stand upon his 
 hed, whareby he betray'd his sex on account of his boots & 
 his Beard fallin off his face, thus rooinin my prospecks in that 
 town, & likewise incurrin the seris displeasure of the Press, 
 which sed boldly I was triflin with the feelins of a intelligent 
 public. I know no such man as Olonzo Ward. I do not ever 
 
 * Two or three scamps in the United States have endeavoured to pass 
 themselves off as brothers of Artemus Ward. He has no brothers living. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 285 
 
 wish his name breathed in my presents. I do not recognise 
 him. I perfectly disgust him. 
 
 RICHMOND. 
 
 The old man finds hisself once more in a Sunny climb. I 
 cum here a few days arter the city catterpillertulated. 
 
 My naburs seemed surprised & astonisht at this darin 
 bravery onto the part of a man at my time of life, but our 
 family was never knowd to quale in danger's stormy hour. 
 
 My father was a sutler in the Eevolootion War. My father 
 once had a intervoo with Gin'ral La Fayette. 
 
 He asked La Fayette to lend him five dollars, promisin to 
 pay him in the Fall ; but Lafy said '.' he couldn't see it in 
 those lamps." Lafy was French, and his knowledge of our 
 langwidge was a little shaky. 
 
 Immejutly on my 'rival here I perceeded to the Spotswood 
 House,* and callin to my assistans a young man from our 
 town who writes a good runnin hand, I put my ortograph on 
 the Kegister, and handin my umbrella to a bald-heded man 
 behind the counter, who I s'posed was Mr Spotswood, I said, 
 " Spotsy, how does she run?" 
 
 He called a cullud purson, and said : 
 
 " Show the gen'Iman to the cowyard, and giv him cart" 
 number 1." 
 
 " Isn't Grant here 1 " I said. " Perhaps Ulyssis wouldn't 
 mind my turnin in with him." 
 
 " Do you know the Gin'ral 1 " inquired Mr Spotswood. 
 
 "Wall, no, not 'zackly; but he'll remember me. His 
 brother-in-law's Aunt bought her rye meal of my uncle Levi 
 all one winter. My uncle Levi's rye meal was " 
 
 • " Pooh ! pooh ! " said Spotsy, " don't bother me," and he 
 shuv'd my umbrella onto the floor. Obsarvin to him not to 
 
 * Celebrated as the hotel occupied by the Confederate authorities during 
 the late war. 
 
286 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 be so keerless with that wepin, I accompanid the African to 
 my lodgins. 
 
 "My brother," I sed, "air you aware that you've bin 
 'mancipated 1 Do you realise how glorus it is to be free ? 
 Tell me, my dear brother, does it not seem like some dream, 
 or do you realise the great fact in all its livin and holy 
 magnitood V • 
 
 He sed he would take some gin. 
 
 I was show'd to the cowyard, and laid down under a one- 
 mule cart. The hotel was orful crowded, and I was sorry I 
 hadn't gone to the Libby Prison. Tho' I should hav slept 
 comf ble enuff if the bedclothes hadn't bin pulled off me durin 
 the night by a scoundrel who cum and hitched a mule to the 
 cart and druv it off. I thus lost my cuverin, and my throat 
 feels a little husky this mornin. 
 
 Grin'ral Hulleck offers me the hospitality of the city, givin 
 me my choice of hospitals. 
 
 He has also very kindly placed at my disposal a small-pox 
 amboolance. 
 
 UNION SENTIMENT. 
 
 There is raly a great deal of Union sentiment in this city. 
 I see it on ev'ry hand. 
 
 I met a man to-day — I am not at liberty to tell his name, 
 but he is a old and inflooentooial citizen of Eichmond, and 
 sez he, " Why ! we 've bin fightin agin the Old Flag ! Lor 
 bless me, how sing'lar ! " He then borrer'd five dollars of me 
 and bust into a flood of tears. 
 
 Sed another (a man of standin and formerly a bitter rebuel), 
 " Let us at once stop this effooshun of Blud ! The Old Flag is 
 good enuff for me. Sir," he added, " You air from the North ! 
 Have you a doughnut or a piece of custard pie about you 1 " 
 
 I told him no, but I knew a man from Vermont who had 
 just organised a sort of restaurant, where he could go and 
 make a very comfortable breakfast on New England rum and 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 287 
 
 cheese. He borrowed fifty cents of me, and askin me to send 
 him Wm. Lloyd Garrison's ambrotype as soon as I got home, 
 he walked off. 
 
 Said another, " There 's bin a tremenduous Union feelin here 
 from the fust. But we was kept down by a rain of terror. 
 Have you a dagerretype of Wendell Phillips about your per- 
 son ? and will you lend me four dollars for a few days till we 
 air once more a happy and united people 1 " 
 
 JEFF. DAVIS. 
 
 Jeff. Davis is not poplar here. She is regarded as a 
 Southern sympathiser. & yit I 'm told he was kind to his 
 Parents. She ran away from 'em many years ago, and has 
 never bin back. This was showin 'em a good deal of con- 
 sideration when we reflect what his conduck has been. Her 
 captur in female apparel confooses me in regard to his sex, & 
 you see I speak of him as a her as frekent as otherwise, & I 
 guess he feels so hisself. 
 
 E. LEE. 
 
 Robert Lee is regarded as a noble feller. 
 
 He was opposed to the war at the fust, and draw'd his 
 sword very reluctant. In fact, he wouldn't hav draw'd his 
 sword at all, only he had a large stock of military clothes on 
 hand, which he didn't want to waste. He sez the coloured 
 man is right, and he will at once go to New York and open a 
 Sabbath School for negro minstrels. 
 
 THE CONFEDERATE ARMY. 
 
 The surrender of R. Lee, J. Johnston, and others, leaves the 
 Confedrit Army in a ruther shattered state. That army now 
 consists of Kirby Smith, four mules, and a Bass drum, and is 
 movin rapidly to'rds Texis. 
 
 A PROUD AND HAWTY SUTHENER. 
 
 Feelin a little peckish, I went into a eatin house to-day, 
 
288 ARTEMUS WARD IN RICHMOND. 
 
 and encountered a young man with long black hair and slender 
 frame. He didn't wear much clothes, and them as he did 
 wear looked onhealthy. He frowned on me, and sed, kinder 
 scornful, " So, Sir — you come here to taunt us in our hour of 
 trouble, do you 1 " 
 
 " No," said I, " I cum here for hash ! " 
 
 " Pish-haw ! " he' sed, sneerinly ; " I mean you air in this 
 city for the purpuss of gloatin over a fallen peple. Others 
 may basely succumb, but as for me, I will never yield — never, 
 never ! " 
 
 " Hav suthin to eat ! " I pleasantly suggested. 
 
 "Tripe and onions!" he sed, furcely; then he added, "I 
 eat with you, but I hate you. You 're a low-lived Yankee !" 
 
 To which I pleasantly replied, "Howl you have your 
 tripe?" 
 
 " Fried, mudsill ! with plenty of ham-fat !" 
 
 He et very ravenus. Poor feller ! He had lived on odds 
 and ends for several days, eatin crackers that had bin turned 
 over by revelers in the bread-tray at the bar. 
 
 He got full at last/and his hart softened a little to'ards me. 
 " After all," he sed, " you hav sum peple at the North who air 
 not wholly loathsum beasts V 
 
 " Well, yes," I sed, " we hav now and then a man among us 
 who isn't a :cold-bluded scoundril Young man," I mildly but 
 gravely sed, " this crooil war is over, and you 're lickt ! It's 
 rather necessary for sumbody to lick in a good square, lively 
 fite, and in this 'ere case it happens to be the United States of 
 America. You fit splendid, but we was too many for you. 
 Then make the best of it, <fc let us all give in and put the 
 Republic on a firmer basis nor ever. 
 
 " I don't , gloat over your misfortins, my young fren. Fur 
 from it. I 'm a old m*an now, & my hart is softer nor it once 
 was. You see my spectacles is misten'd with suthin very like 
 tears. I 'm thinkin of the sea of good rich blud that has been 
 spilt on both sides in this dredful war ! 1 'm thinkin of our 
 
A. WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 2S9 
 
 widders and orfuns North, and of your'n in the South. I kin 
 cry for both. B'leeve me, my young fren, I kin place my old 
 hands tenderly on the fair yung hed of the Virginny maid 
 whose lover was laid low in the battle dust by a fed'ral bullet, 
 and say, as fervently and piously as a vener'ble sinner like me 
 kin say anythin, God be good to you, my poor dear, my poor 
 dear." 
 
 I riz up to go, & takin my yung Southern fren kindly by the 
 hand, I sed, " Yung man, adoo ! You Southern fellers is 
 probly my brothers, tho' you 've occasionally had a cussed queer 
 way of showin it ! It 's over now. Let us all jine in and 
 make a country on this continent that shall giv all Europe the 
 cramp in the stummuck ev'ry time they look at us ! Adoo, 
 addoo!" 
 
 And as I am through, I '11 likewise say adoo to you, jentle 
 reader, merely remarkin that the Star-Spangled Banner is 
 wavin round loose agin, and that there don't seem to be any- 
 thing the matter with the Goddess of Liberty beyond a slight 
 cold. Artemus Ward. 
 
 13— ARTEMUS WARD TO THE PRINCE OF WALES. 
 
 Friend Wales, — You remember me. I saw you in Canady a 
 few years ago. I remember you too. I seldim forgit a person. 
 
 I hearn of your marrige to the Printcis Alexandry, & ment 
 ter writ you a congratoolatory letter at the time, but I 've bin 
 bilding a barn this summer, & hain't had no time to write 
 letters to folks. Excoos me. 
 
 Numeris changes has tooken place since we met in the body 
 politic. The body politic, in fack, is sick. I sumtimes think 
 it has got biles, friend Wales. 
 
 In my country we 've got a war, while your country, in 
 conjunktion with Cap'n Sems of the" Aldbarmy, ,manetanes a 
 nootral position ! 
 
2 9 o ARTEMUS WARD TO 
 
 I'm fraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no, 
 I guess not ! 
 
 Yes, sir, we Ve got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make 
 sacrifisses, you bet. 
 
 I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, <fc I stand 
 reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther 'n not see the re- 
 belyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss, I'll shed eVry drop 
 of blud my able-bodid relations has got to prosekoot the war. 
 I think sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be 
 the war as anybody else. When I git a goakin fit onto me it's 
 no use to try ter stop me. 
 
 You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It 
 caus'd sum squirmin, but it was fairly conducted, I think, for 
 it hit all classes. It is troo that Wendell Phillips, who is a 
 American citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallan- 
 diggum, who is conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent South, 
 tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus* if Abe had 
 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him. 
 
 We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we 've got 
 a female sewin circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we 
 wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted. 
 
 One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp be- 
 cause he was the only son of a widow'd mother who supported 
 him. A few able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether 
 their heirs will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em 
 is a question for Whitin, who 'pears to be tinkerin up this 
 draft bizniss right smart. I hope he makes good wages. 
 
 I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few 
 will go to Canady, stoppin on their way at Concord, N.H., 
 where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts. 
 
 You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hitin all sides ; but no 
 offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never 
 was. I vote for Mr Union — that 's the only candidate I 've 
 
 * The " Dry Tortugas " are off the coast of Florida. Many political 
 prisoners were banished to them during the war. 
 
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 291 
 
 got. I claim, howsever, to have a -well-balanced mind ; tho 
 my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a 
 partner I once had, whose name was Billson. Billson and me 
 orjanized a strollin dramatic company, & we played The 
 Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a real Drunkard. The 
 play didn't take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 
 'em some immoral dramy. We had a large troop onto our 
 hands, consistin of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I 
 says, No, Billson ; and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a 
 well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fly (he 
 was a low cuss) — yes, I have. I have a mind, says he, that 
 balances in any direction that the public rekires. That 's wot 
 I calls a well-balanced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to Bill- 
 son. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont. The 
 miser'ble man once played Hamlet. There wasn't any orches- 
 try, and wishin to expire to slow moosic, he died playin on 
 a claironett himself, interspersed with hart-rendin groans, & 
 such is the world ! Alars ! alars ! how onthankful we air to 
 that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow 
 money, and fail and do bizniss ! 
 
 But to return to our subjeck. "With our resunt grate triumps 
 on the Mississippi, the Father of "Waters (and them is waters 
 no Father need feel 'shamed of — twig the wittikism?), and the 
 cheerin look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't 
 want any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth do the 
 people of Concord, N.H., want a Muslum of Harts for? Hain't 
 you got the State House now ? & what more do you want ? 
 
 But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. 
 My objeck in now addressin you is to giv you sum adwice, 
 friend Wales, about managin your wife, a bizness I've bad over 
 thirty years' experience in. 
 
 You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to 
 say about " vikins " in connection tharewith. Not knowing 
 what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook 
 of the throne, I can't zackly say whether we had 'em or not. 
 
2go ARTEMUS WARD TO 
 
 I'm fraid I can't write goaks when I sit about it. Oh no, 
 I guess not ! 
 
 Yes, sir, we 've got a war, and the troo Patrit has to make 
 sacrifisses, you bet. 
 
 I have alreddy given two cousins to the war, & 1 stand 
 reddy to sacrifiss my wife's brother ruther 'n not see the re- 
 belyin krusht. And if wuss cums to wuss, I'll shed ev'ry drop 
 of blud my able-bodid relations has got to prosekoot the war. 
 I think sumbody oughter be prosekooted, & it may as well be 
 the war as anybody else. When I git a goakin fit onto me it's 
 no use to try ter stop me. 
 
 You hearn about the draft, friend Wales, no doubt. It 
 caus'd sum squirmin, but it was fairly conducted, I think, for 
 it hit all classes. It is troo that Wendell Phillips, who is a 
 American citizen of African scent, 'scaped, but so did Vallan- 
 diggum, who is -conservativ, and who wus resuntly sent South, 
 tho' he would have bin sent to the Dry Tortoogus* if Abe had 
 'sposed for a minit that the Tortoogusses would keep him. 
 
 We hain't got any daily paper in our town, but we 've got 
 a female sewin circle, which ansers the same purpuss, and we 
 wasn't long in suspents as to who was drafted. 
 
 One young man who was drawd claimed to be exemp be- 
 cause he was the only son of a widow'd mother who supported 
 him. A few able-bodid dead men was drafted, but whether 
 their heirs will have to pay 3 hundrid dollars a peace for 'em 
 is a question for Whitin, who 'pears to be tinkerin up this 
 draft bizniss right smart. I hope he makes good wages. 
 
 I think most of the conscrips in this place will go. A few 
 will go to Canady, stoppin on their way at Concord, N.H., 
 where I understan there is a Muslum of Harts. 
 
 You see I'm sassy, friend Wales, hitin all sides ; but no 
 offense is ment. You know I ain't a politician, and never 
 was. I vote for Mr Union — that 's the only candidate I 've 
 
 * The " Dry TortugaB " are off the coast of Florida. Many political 
 prisoners were banished to them during the war. 
 
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 291 
 
 got. I claim, howsever, to have a 'well-balanced mind ; tho 
 my idees of a well-balanced mind differs from the idees of a 
 partner I once had, whose name was Billson. Billson and me 
 orjanized a strollin dramatic company, & we played The 
 Drunkard, or the Falling Saved, with a real Drunkard. The 
 play didn't take particlarly, and says Billson to me, Let's giv 
 'em some immoral dramy. "We had a large troop onto our 
 hands, consistin of eight tragedians and a bass drum, but I 
 says, No, Billson ; and then says I, Billson, you hain't got a 
 well-balanced mind. Says he, Yes, I have, old hoss-fiy (he 
 was a low cuss) — yes, I have. I have a mind, says he, that 
 balances in any direction that the public rekires. That 's wot 
 I calls a well-balanced mind. I sold out and bid adoo to Bill- 
 son. He is now an outcast in the State of Vermont. The 
 miser'ble man once played Hamlet. There wasn't any orches- 
 try, and wishin to expire to slow moosic, he died playin on 
 a claironett himself, interspersed with hart-rendin groans, & 
 such is the world ! Alars ! alars ! how onthankful we air to 
 that Providence which kindly allows us to live and borrow 
 money, and fail and do bizniss ! 
 
 But to return to our subjeck. With our resunt grate triumps 
 on the Mississippi, the Father of Waters (and them is waters 
 no Father need feel 'shamed of — twig the wittikism?), and the 
 cheerin look of things in other places, I reckon we shan't 
 want any Muslum of Harts. And what upon airth do the 
 people of Concord, N.H., want a Muslum of Harts for? Hain't 
 you got the State House now 1 & what more do you want 1 
 
 But all this is furrin to the purpuss of this note, arter all. 
 My objeck in now addressin you is to giv you sum adwice, 
 friend Wales, about managin your wife, a bizness I've had over 
 thirty years' experience in. 
 
 You had a good weddin. The papers hav a good deal to 
 say about " vikins " in connection tharewith. Not knowing 
 what that air, and so I frankly tells you, my noble lord dook 
 of the throne, I can't zackly say whether we had 'em or not. 
 
292 ARTEMUS WARD TO 
 
 We was both very much flustrated. But I never enjoyed my- 
 self better in my life. 
 
 Dowtless, your supper was ahead of our'n. As regards 
 eatin uses Baldinsville was allers shaky. But you can git a 
 good meal in New York, & cheap too. You can get half a 
 mackril at Delmonico's, or Mr Mason Dory's * for six dollars, 
 and biled pertaters throw'd in. 
 
 As I sed, I manige my wife without -any particler trouble. 
 When I fust commenst trainin her I institooted a series of 
 experiments, and them as didn't work I abanding'd. You 'd 
 better do similer. Your wife may objeck to gittin up and 
 bildin the fire in the mornin, but if you commence with her 
 at once you may be able to overkum this prejoodis. I regret 
 to obsarve that I didn't commence arly enuff. I wouldn't 
 have you s'pose I was ever kicked out of bed. Not at all. I 
 simply say, in regard to bildin fires,+ that I didn't commence 
 arly enuff. It was a ruther cold mornin when I fust proposed 
 the id.ee to Betsy. It wasn't well received, and I found myself 
 layin on the floor putty suddent. I thought I git up and bild 
 the fire myself. 
 
 Of course now you 're marrid you can eat onions. I alius 
 did, and if I know my own hart, I alius will. My daughter, 
 who is goin on 17, and is frisky, says they's disgustin. And 
 speakin of my daughter reminds me that quite a number of 
 young men have suddenly discovered that I'm a very enter- 
 tainin old feller, and they visit us frekently, especially on 
 Sunday evenins. One young chap — a lawyer by habit — don't 
 cum as much as he did. My wife's father lives with us. His 
 intelleck totters a little, and he saves the papers containin the 
 proceedins of our State Legislater. The old genTman likes 
 to read out loud, and he reads tol'ble well. He eats hash 
 freely, which makes his voice clear ; but as he onfortnjlly has 
 
 * The " Maigon Dovfee," a fashionable New York restaurant, 
 t The phrase in America is " to build a fire," not, as with us, " to light" 
 one. 
 
THE PRINCE OF WALES. 293 
 
 to spell the most of his words, I may say he reads slow. "Wall, 
 whenever this lawyer made his appearance I would set the old 
 man a-readin the Legislativ reports. I kept the young lawyer 
 up one night till 12 o'clock, listenin to a lot of acts in regard 
 to a drawbridge- away orf in the east part of the State, havin 
 sent my daughter to bed at half-past 8. He hasn't bin there 
 since, and I understan he says I go round swindlin the 
 public. 
 
 I never attempted to reorganize my wife but once. I shall 
 never attempt agin. I'd bin to a public dinner, and had 
 allowed myself to be betrayed into drinkin several' people's 
 healths ; and wishin to make 'em as robust as possible, I con- 
 tinuerd drinkin their healths until my own became affected. 
 Consekens was, I presented myself at Betsy's bedside late at 
 night with consid'ble licker concealed about my person. I 
 had sumhow got perseshun of a hosswhip on my way home, 
 and rememberin sum cranky observations of Mrs Ward's in 
 the mornin, I snapt the whip putty lively, and, in a very loud 
 voice, I said, " Betsy, you need reorganizin ! I have cum, 
 Betsy," I continued — crackin the whip over the bed — " I have 
 cum to reorganize you ! Ha-ave you per-ayed to-night 1 " 
 
 I dream' d that night that sumbody had laid a hosswhip 
 over me sev'ril conseckootiv times ; and when I woke up I 
 found she had. I hain't drank much of anythin since, and if 
 I ever have another reorganizin job on hand I shall let it out. 
 
 My wife is 52 years old, and has alius sustaned a good 
 character. She 's a good cook. Her mother lived to a vene- 
 r'ble age, and died while in the act of frying slap-jacks for the 
 County Commissioners. And may no rood hand pluk a flour 
 from her toomstun ! We hain't got any picter of the old lady, 
 because she 'd never stand for her ambrotipe, and therefore I 
 can't give her likeness to the world through the meejum of the 
 illusterated papers ; but as she wasn't a brigadier-gin'ral, par- 
 ticerly, I don't s'pose they 'd publish it, anyhow. 
 
294 AFFAIRS ROUND THE 
 
 It 's best to give a woman consid'ble lee-way. But not too 
 much. A naber of mine, Mr Eoofus Minkins, was once very 
 sick with the fever, but his wife moved his bed into the door- 
 yard while she was cleanin house. I told Eoofus this wasn't 
 the thing, 'specially as it was rainin vi'lently ; but he said he 
 wanted to give his wife " a little lee-way." That was 2 mutch. 
 I told Mrs Minkins that her Eoofus would die if he staid out 
 there into the rain much longer ; when she said, " It shan't be 
 my fault if he dies unprepared." It was orful ! I stood by, 
 however, and nussed him as well 's I could ; but I was a putty 
 wet-nuss, I tell you. 
 
 There 's varis ways of managin a wife, friend Wales, but the 
 best and only safe way is to let her do jist about as she wants 
 to. I 'dopted that there plan sum time ago, and it works like 
 a charm. 
 
 Eemember me kindly to Mrs Wales, and good luck to you 
 both ! And as years roll by, and accidents begins to happen 
 to you — among which I hope there'll be Twins — you will 
 agree with me that family joys air the only ones a man can 
 bet on with any certainty of winnin. 
 
 It may interest you to know that I 'm prosperin in a pecoo- 
 nery pint of view. I make 'bout as much in the course of a 
 year as a Cab'net offisser does, & I understand my bizniss a 
 good deal better than sum of 'em do. 
 
 Eespecks to St George & the Dragon. " Ever be happy." 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
 14-— AFFAIRS ROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. 
 
 It isn't everyone who has a village green to write about. I 
 have one, although I have not seen much of it for some years 
 past. I am back again, now. In the language of the duke who 
 went round with a motto about him, " I am here ! " and I 
 fancy I am about as happy a peasant of the vale as ever gar- 
 
VILLAGE GREEN. 295 
 
 nished a melodrama, although I have not as yet danced on my 
 village green, as the melodramatic peasant usually does on his. 
 It was the case when Kosina Meadows left home. 
 
 The time rolls by serenely now — so serenely that I don't care 
 what time it is, which is fortunate, because my watch is at 
 present in the hands of those " men of New York who are 
 called rioters." We met by chance, the usual way — certainly 
 not by appointment — and I brought the interview to a close 
 with all possible dispatch. Assuring them that I wasn't Mr 
 Greeley, particularly, and that he had never boarded in the 
 private family where I enjoy the comforts of a home, I 
 tendered them my watch, and begged they would distribute 
 it judiciously among the labouring classes, as I had seen the 
 rioters styled in certain public prints. 
 
 Why should I loiter feverishly in Broadway, stabbing the 
 hissing hot air with the splendid gold-headed cane that was 
 presented to me by the citizens of Waukegan, Illinois, as a 
 slight testimonial of their esteem 1 Why broil in my rooms ? 
 You said to me, Mrs Gloverson, when I took possession of 
 those rooms, that no matter how warm it might be, a breeze 
 had a way of blowing into them, and that they were, withal, 
 quite countryfied ; but I am bound to say, Mrs Gloverson, that 
 there was nothing about them that ever reminded me, in the 
 remotest degree, of daisies or new-mown hay. Thus, with sar- 
 casm, do I smash the deceptive Gloverson. 
 
 Why stay in New York when I had a village green ? I gave 
 it up, the same as I would an intricate conundrum — and, in 
 short, I am here. 
 
 Do I miss the glare and crash of the imperial thoroughfare? 
 the milkman, the fiery, untamed omnibus horses, the soda 
 fountains, Central Park, and those things i Yes, I do ; and I 
 can go on missing 'em for quite a spell, and enjoy it. 
 
 The village from which I write to you is small. It does not 
 contain over forty houses, all told ; but they are milk-white, 
 with the greenest of blinds, and for the most part are shaded 
 
296 AFFAIRS ROUND THE 
 
 with beautiful elms and willows. To the right of us is a moun- 
 tain — to the left a lake. The village nestles between. Of 
 course it does. I never read a novel in my life in which the 
 villages didn't nestle. Villages invariably nestle. It is a kind 
 of way they have. 
 
 We are away from the cars. The iron-horse, as my little 
 sister aptly remarks in her composition On Nature, is never 
 heard to shriek in our midst ; and on the whole I am glad 
 of it. 
 
 The villagers are kindly people. They are rather incoherent 
 on the subject of the war, but not more so, perhaps, than are 
 people elsewhere. One citizen, who used to sustain a good 
 character, subscribed for the Weekly New York Herald, a few 
 months since, and went to studying the military maps in that 
 well-known journal for the fireside. I need not inform you 
 that his intellect now totters, and he has mortgaged his farm. 
 In a literary point of view we are rather bloodthirsty. A 
 pamphlet edition of the life of a cheerful being, who slaughtered 
 his wife and child, and then finished himself, is having an ex- 
 tensive sale just now. 
 
 We know little of Honors de Balzac, and perhaps care less 
 for Victor Hugo. M. Class's grand search for the Absolute 
 doesn't thrill us in the least ; and Jean Valjean, gloomily 
 picking his way through the sewers of Paris, with the spoony 
 young man of the name of Marius upon his back, awakens no 
 interest in our breasts. I say Jean Valjean picked his way 
 gloomily, and I repeat it. No man, under those circumstances, 
 could have skipped gaily. But this literary business, as the 
 gentleman who married his colored chambermaid aptly ob- 
 served, " is simply a matter of taste." 
 
 The store— I must not forget the store. It is an object of 
 great interest to me. I usually encounter there, on sunny 
 afternoons, an old Eevolutionary soldier. You may possibly 
 have read about "Another Eevolutionary Soldier gone," but 
 this is one who hasn't gone, and, moreover, one who doesn't 
 
VILLAGE GREEN. 297 
 
 manifest the slightest intention of going. He distinctly re- 
 members Washington, of course ; they all do; but what I wish 
 to call special attention to, is the fact that this Eevolutionary 
 soldier is one hundred years old, that his eyes are so good that 
 he can read fine print without spectacles — he never used them, 
 by the way — and his mind is perfectly clear. He is a little 
 shaky in one of his legs, but otherwise he is as active as most 
 men of forty-five, and his general health is excellent. He uses 
 no tobacco, but for the last twenty years he has drunk one 
 glass of liquor every day — no more, no less. He says he must 
 have his tod. I had begun to have lurking suspicions about 
 this Revolutionary soldier business, but here is an original 
 Jacobs.* But because a man can drink a glass of liquor a day, 
 and live to be a hundred years old, my young readers must 
 not infer that by drinking two glasses of liquor a day a man can 
 live to be two hundred. " "Which I meanter say, it doesn't 
 foller," as Joseph G-argery might observe. 
 
 This store, in which may constantly be found calico, and 
 nails, and fish, and tobacco in kegs, and snuif in bladders, is a 
 venerable establishment. As long ago as 1814 it was an insti- 
 tution. The county troops, on their way to the defence of 
 Portland, then menaced by British ships-of-war, were drawn 
 up in front of this very store, and treated at the town's ex- 
 pense. Citizens will tell you how the clergyman refused to 
 pray for the troops, because he considered the war an unholy 
 one; and how a somewhat eccentric person, of dissolute habits, 
 volunteered his services, stating that he once had an uncle who 
 was a deacon, and he thought he could make a tolerable prayer, 
 although it was rather out of his line ; and how he prayed so 
 long and absurdly that the Colonel ordered him under arrest, 
 but that even while soldiers stood over him with gleaming 
 bayonets, the reckless being sang a preposterous song about 
 
 * "The Original Jacobs " is the sign of a large cheap jewellery store in 
 New York. 
 
298 AFFAIRS ROUND THE 
 
 his grandmother's spotted calf, with its Ki-fol-lol-tiddery-i-do, 
 after which he howled dismally. 
 
 And speaking of the store, reminds me of a little story. 
 The author of " several successful comedies " has been among 
 us, and the store was anxious to know who the stranger was. 
 And therefore the store asked him. 
 
 " What do you follow, sir ? " respectfully inquired the 
 tradesman. 
 
 " I occasionally write for the stage, sir." 
 
 " Oh ! " returned the tradesman, in a confused manner. 
 
 " He means," said an honest villager, with a desire to help 
 the puzzled tradesman out, " he means that he writes the 
 handbills for the stage-drivers ! " 
 
 I believe that story is new, although perhaps it is not of an 
 uproariously mirthful character ; but one hears stories at the 
 store that are old enough, goodness knows — stories which, no 
 doubt, diverted Methuselah in the sunny days of his giddy and 
 thoughtless boyhood. 
 
 There is an exciting scene at the store occasionally. Yester- 
 day an athletic peasant, in a state of beer, smashed in a counter 
 and emptied two tubs of butter on the floor. His father — a 
 white-haired old man, who was a little boy when the Revolu- 
 tionary war closed, but who doesn't remember Washington 
 much, came round in the evening and settled for the damages. 
 " My son," he said, " has considerable originality." I will 
 mention that this same son once told me that he could lick 
 me with one arm tied behind him, and I was so thoroughly 
 satisfied he could, that I told him he needn't mind going for a 
 rope. 
 
 Sometimes I go a- visiting to a farm-house, on which occa- 
 sions the parlour is opened. The windows have been close- 
 shut ever since the last visitor was there, and there is a dingy 
 smell that I struggle as calmly as possible with, until I am led 
 to the banquet of steaming hot biscuit and custard-pie. If 
 they would only let me sit in the dear, old-fashioned kitchen, 
 
VILLAGE GREEN. 299 
 
 or on the door-stone — if they knew how dismaily the new 
 black furniture looked. But never mind, I am not a reformer. 
 No, I should rather think not. 
 
 Gloomy enough, this living on a farm, you perhaps say ; in 
 which case you are wrong. I can't exactly say that I pant to 
 he an agriculturist, hut I do know tha£ in the main it is an in- 
 dependent, calmly happy sort of life. I can see how the pros- 
 perous farmer can go joyously a-field with the rise of the sun, 
 and how his heart may swell with pride over bounteous har- 
 vests and sleek oxen. And it must be rather jolly for him on 
 winter evenings to sit before the bright kitchen fire and watch 
 his rosy boys and girls as they study out the charades in the 
 weekly paper, and gradually find out why my first is some- 
 thing that grows in a garden, and my second is a fish. 
 
 On the green hillside over yonder, there is a quivering of 
 snowy drapery, and bright hair is flashing in the morning 
 sunlight. It is recess, and the Seminary girls are running in 
 the tall grass. 
 
 A goodly seminary to look at outside, certainly, although I 
 am pained to learn, as I do on unprejudiced authority, that 
 Mrs Higgins, the Principal, is a tyrant, who seeks to crush the 
 girls and trample upon them ; but my sorrow is somewhat 
 assuaged by learning that Skimmerhorn, the pianist, is per- 
 fectly splendid. 
 
 Looking at these girls reminds me that I, too, was once 
 young — and where are the friends of my youth ? I have found 
 one of 'em, certainly. I saw him ride in the circus the other 
 day on a bareback horse, and even now his name stares at me 
 from yonder board-fence, in green, and blue, and red, and yel- 
 low letters. Dashington, the youth with whom I used to read 
 the able orations of Cicero, and who, as a declaimer on exhi- 
 bition-days, used to wipe the rest of us boys pretty handsomely 
 out — well, Dashington is identified with the halibut and cod 
 interest — drives a fish-cart, in fact, from a certain town on the 
 coast back into the interior. Hubertson, the utterly stupid 
 
300 AFFAIRS ROUND THE VILLAGE GREEN. 
 
 boy — the lunkhead; who never had his lesson, he 's about the 
 ablest lawyer a sister State can boast. Mills is a newspaper 
 man, now editing a Major-General down South. 
 
 Singlinson, the sweet-voiced boy, whose face was always 
 washed and who was real good, and who was never rude — he, 
 is in the penitentiary for putting his uncle's autograph to a 
 financial document. Hawkins, the clergyman's son, is an actor ; 
 and "Williamson, the good little boy who divided his bread and 
 butter with the beggar-man, is a failing merchant, and makes 
 money by it. Tom Slink, who used to smoke short-sixes and 
 get acquainted with the little circus boys, is popularly supposed 
 to be the proprietor of a cheap gaming establishment in Boston, 
 where the beautiful but uncertain prop is nightly tossed. Be 
 sure the army is represented by many of the friends of my 
 youth, the most of whom have given a good account of them- 
 selves. But Chalmerson hasn't done much. No, Chalmerson 
 is rather of a failure. He plays on the guitar and sings love 
 songs. Not that he is a bad man. A kinder-hearted creature 
 never lived, and they say he hasn't yet got over crying for his 
 curly-haired sister who died ever so long ago. But he knows 
 nothing about business, politics, the world, and those things. 
 He is dull at trade — indeed, it is a common remark that 
 " everybody cheats Chalmerson." He came to the party the 
 other evening, and brought his guitar. They wouldn't have 
 him for a tenor in the opera, certainly, for he is shaky in his 
 upper notes ; but if his simple melodies didn't gush straight 
 from the heart, why were my trained eyes wet 1 And although 
 some of the girls giggled, and some of the men seemed to pity 
 him, I could not help fancying that poor Chalmerson was 
 nearer heaven than any of us all ! 
 
AGRICULTURE. 301 
 
 15.— AGRICULTURE. 
 
 The Barclay County Agricultural Society having seriously 
 invited the author of this volume to address them on the 
 occasion of their next annual fair, he wrote the President of 
 that Society as follows : — 
 
 New York, June 12, 1865. 
 Dear Sir, — 
 
 I have the honour to acknowledge the receipt of your letter 
 of the 5th inst., in which you invite me to deliver an address 
 before your excellent agricultural society. 
 
 -I feel flattered, and think I will come. 
 
 Perhaps, meanwhile, a brief history of my experience as an 
 agriculturalist will be acceptable ; and as that history no doubt 
 contains suggestions of value to the entire agricultural com- 
 munity, I have concluded to write to you through the Press. 
 
 I have been an honest old farmer for some four years. 
 
 My farm is in the interior of Maine. Unfortunately my 
 lands are eleven miles from the railroad. Eleven miles is 
 quite a distance to haul immense quantities of wheat, corn, 
 rye, and oats ; but as I haven't any to haul, I do not, after 
 all, suffer much on that account. 
 
 My farm is more especially a grass farm 
 
 My neighbours told me so at first, and as an evidence that 
 they were sincere in that opinion, they turned their cows on- to 
 it the moment I went off " lecturing." 
 
 These cows are now quite fat. I take pride in these cows, 
 in fact, and am glad I own a grass farm. 
 
 Two years ago I tried sheep-raising. 
 
 I bought fifty lambs, and turned them loose on my broad 
 and beautiful acres. 
 
 It was pleasant on bright mornings to stroll leisurely out 
 onto the farm in my dressing-gown, with a cigar in my mouth, 
 and watch those innocent little lambs as they danced gaily o'er 
 the hill- side. Watching their saucy capers reminded me of 
 
302 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 caper sauce, and it occurred to me I should have some very 
 fine eating when they grew up to be " muttons.'' 
 
 My gentle shepherd, Mr Eli Perkins, said, " We must have 
 some shepherd dogs." 
 
 I had no very precise idea as to what, shepherd dogs were, 
 but I assumed a rather profound look, and said : 
 
 " We must, Eli. I spoke to you about this some time ago ! " 
 
 I wrote to my old friend, Mr Dexter H. Follett, of Boston, 
 for two shepherd dogs. Mr F. is not an honest old farmer 
 himself, but I thought he knew about shepherd dogs. He 
 kindly forsook far more important business to accommodate, 
 and the dogs came forthwith. They were splendid creatures 
 — snuff-coloured,. hazel-eyed, long-tailed, and shapely-jawed. 
 
 We led them proudly to the fields. 
 
 " Turn them in, Eli," I said. 
 
 Eli turned them in. 
 
 They went in at once, and killed twenty of my best lambs 
 in about four minutes and a half. 
 
 My friend had made a trifling mistake in the breed of these 
 dogs. 
 
 These dogs were not partial to sheep. 
 
 Eh Perkins was astonished, and observed : 
 
 " Waal ! did you ever t " 
 
 I certainly never had. 
 
 There were pools of blood on the greensward, and fragments 
 of wool and raw lamb-chops lay around in confused heaps. 
 
 The dogs would have been sent tp Boston that night, had 
 they not rather suddenly died that afternoon of a throat dis- 
 temper. It wasn't a swelling of the throat. It wasn't diph- 
 theria. It was a violent opening of the throat extending 
 from ear to ear. 
 
 Thus closed their life stories. Thus ended their interesting 
 tails. 
 
 I failed as a raiser of lambs. As a sheepist I was not a 
 success. 
 
AGRICULTURE. 303 
 
 Last summer Mr Perkins said, " I think we 'd better cut 
 some grass this season, sir." 
 
 We cut some grass. 
 
 To me the new-mown hay is very sweet and nice. The 
 brilliant George Arnold* sings about it, in beautiful verse, 
 down in Jersey every summer, so does the brilliant Aldrich at 
 Portsmouth, N.H. And yet I doubt if either of these men 
 know the price of a ton of hay to-day. But new-mown hay is 
 really a fine thing. It is good for man and beast. 
 
 We had four honest farmers to assist us, and I led them 
 gaily to the meadows. 
 
 I was going to mow myself. 
 
 I saw the sturdy peasants go round once ere I dipped my 
 flashing scythe into the tall green grass. 
 
 " Are you ready ? " said E. Perkins. 
 
 " I am here." 
 
 " Then follow us." 
 
 I followed them. 
 
 Followed them rather too closely evidently, for a white- 
 haired old man, who immediately followed Mr Perkins, called 
 upon us to halt. Then in a low firm voice he said to his son, 
 who was just ahead of me, " John, change places with me. I 
 hain't-got long to live anyhow. Yonder berryin ground will 
 soon have these old bones, and it 's no matter whether I 'm 
 carried there with one leg off and ter'ble gashes in the other 
 or not ! But you, John — you are young. 
 
 The old man changed places with his son. A smile of calm 
 resignation lit up his wrinkled face, as he said, " Now, sir, I 
 am ready." 
 
 " What mean you, old man ? " I said. 
 
 " I mean that if you continner to bran'ish that blade as you 
 
 have been bran'ishin it, you '11 slash h out of some of us 
 
 before we 're. a hour older ! " 
 
 * Under the nom de plume of MacArone this young author has achieved 
 inuoh celebrity in the United States. 
 
304 AGRICULTURE. 
 
 There was some reason mingled with this white-haired old 
 peasant's profanity. It was true that I had twice escaped mow- 
 ing off his son's legs, and his father was perhaps naturally 
 alarmed. 
 
 I went and sat down under a tree. "I never know'd a 
 literary man in my life," I overheard the old man say, " that 
 know'd anything." 
 
 ' Mr Perkins was not as valuable to me this season as I had 
 fancied he might be. Every afternoon he disappeared from 
 the field regularly, and remained about some two hours. He 
 said it was headache. He inherited it from his mother. His 
 mother was often taken in that way, and suffered a great deal. 
 
 At the end of the two hours Mr Perkins would reappear 
 with his head neatly done up in a large wet rag, and say he 
 " felt better." 
 
 One afternoon it so happened that I soon followed the in- 
 valid to the house, and as I neared the porch I heard a female 
 voice energetically observe, " You stop." It was the voice of 
 the hired girl, and she added, " I '11 holler for Mr Brown." 
 
 " Oh no, Nancy," I heard the invalid E. Perkins soothingly 
 say ; " Mr Brown knows I love you. Mr Brown approves of 
 it." 
 
 This was pleasant for Mr Brown ! 
 
 I peered cautiously through the kitchen blinds, and, how- 
 ever unnatural it may appear, the lips of Eli Perkins and my 
 hired girl were very near together. She said, " You shan't do 
 so,'' and he do-soed. She also said she would get right up and 
 go away, and as an evidence that she was thoroughly in earnest 
 about it, she remained where she was. 
 
 They are married now, and Mr Perkins is troubled no more 
 with the headache. 
 
 This year we are planting corn. Mr Perkins writes me 
 that " on accounts of no skare krows bein put up krows cum 
 and digged fust crop up but soon got nother in. Old Bisbee 
 who was frade youd cut his sons leggs of Ses you bet go and 
 
O'BOURCY'S « ARRAH-NA-POGUE." 305 
 
 stan up in feeld yrself with dressin gownd on & gesses krows 
 will keep way, this made Boys in store larf. no More terday 
 from 
 
 " Yours 
 
 " respecful 
 
 " Eli Perkins, 
 " his letter." 
 
 My friend Mr D. T. T. Moore, of the Bwral New Yorker, 
 thinks if I " keep on" I will get in the Poor House in about 
 two years. 
 
 If you think the honest old farmers of Barclay County want 
 me, I will come. — Truly yours, 
 
 Chiles F. Browne. 
 
 16.— O'BOURCY'S "ARRAH-NA-POGUE." I 
 
 You axe me, sir, to sling sum ink for your paper in regards to 
 the new Irish dramy at Niblo's Garding.* I will do it, sir. 
 
 I knew your grandfather well, sir. Sum 16 years ago, while 
 I was amoosin and instructin the intellectooal peple of Cape 
 Cod with my justly pop'lar Show, I saw your grandfather. 
 He was then between 96 years of age, but his mind was very 
 clear. He told me I looked like George Washington. He 
 sed I had a massiv intellect. Your grandfather was a highly- 
 intelligent man, and I made up my mind then that if I could 
 ever help his family in any way, I 'd do so. Your grandfather 
 gave me sum clams and a Testament. He charged me for 
 the clams, but threw in the Testament. He was a very fine 
 man. 
 
 I therefore rite for you, which insures your respectability at 
 once. It gives you a moral tone at the word go. 
 
 I found myself the other night at Niblo's Garding, which is 
 * A popular theatre in New York. 
 
 U 
 
306 O'BOURCY'S « ARRAH-NA-POGUE? 
 
 now, by the way, Wheatley's Garding. (I don't know what 's 
 becum of Nib.) I couldn't see much of a garding, however, 
 and it struck me if Mr Wheatley depended on it as regards 
 raisin things, he 'd run short of gardin sass. [N.B. — These 
 remarks is yoomerous. The older I gro, the more I want to 
 goak.] 
 
 I walked down the ile in my usual dignified stile, politely 
 tellin the people as I parsed along to keep their seats. 
 " Don't git up for me," I sed. One of the prettiest young 
 men I ever saw in my life showed me into a seat, and I pro- 
 ceeded to while away the spare time by reading Thompson's 
 Bank Note Reporter and the comic papers. 
 
 The ordinance was large. 
 
 I tho't, from a cursiry view, that the Finnigan Brotherhood 
 was well represented. 
 
 There was ho end of bootiful wimin, and a heap of good 
 clothes. There was a good deal of hair present that belonged 
 on the heds of peple who didn't cum with it — but this is a 
 ticklish subjeck for me. I larfed at my wife's waterfall, which 
 indoosed that superior woman to take it off and heave it at 
 me rather vilently ; and as there was about a half bushil of 
 it, it knockt me over, and giv me pains in my body which I 
 hain't got over yit. 
 
 The okistry struck up a toon, & I asked the Usher to nudge 
 me wheti Mr Pogue cum out on the stage to act. 
 
 I wanted to see Pogue ; but, strange to say, he didn't act 
 durin the entire evenin. I reckin he has left Niblo's, and gone 
 over to Barnum's. 
 
 Very industrious peple are the actors at Barnum's. They 
 play all day, and in the evenin likewise. I meet 'm every 
 mornin, at five o'clock, going to their work with their tin din- 
 ner-pails. It's a sublime site. Many of'em sleep on the premises. 
 
 Arrah-na-Pogue was writ by Dion O'Bourcicolt & Edward 
 McHouse. They rit it welL O'Boiucy has rit a cartload of 
 plays himself, the most of which is fust-rate. 
 
O'BOURCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGUE!' 307 
 
 I understand there is a large number of O'gen'lmen of this 
 city who can rite better plays than O'Bourcy does, but some- 
 how they don't seem to do it. When they do, I '11 take a Box 
 of them. 
 
 As I remarked to the Boy who squirted peppersass through 
 a tin dinner-horn at my trained Bear (which it caused that 
 feroshus animal to kick up his legs and howl dismal, which 
 fond mothers fell into swoons and children cride to go home 
 because fearin the Bear would leave his jungle and tear them 
 from limb to limb), and then excoosed himself (this Boy did) 
 by sayin he had done so while labourin under a attack of 
 Moral Insanity — as I sed to that thrifty yooth, " I alius in- 
 curridge geenyus, whenever I see it." 
 
 It 's the same with Dan Bryant. I am informed there are 
 better Irish actors than he is, but somehow I 'm alius out of 
 town when they act. & so is other folks, which is what 's the 
 matter. 
 
 Ack the 1. — Glendalo by moonlite. 
 
 Irishmen with clubs. 
 
 This is in 1798, the year of your birth, Mr Editor. 
 
 It appears a patriotic person named McCool has bin raisin 
 a insurrection in the mountain districks, and is now goin to 
 leave the land of his nativity for a tower in France. Previsly 
 to doin so he picks the pockit of Mr Michael Feeny, a gov'- 
 ment detectiv, which pfeases the gallery very much indeed, 
 and they joyfully remark " hi, hi." 
 
 He meets also at this time a young woman who luvs him 
 dearer than life, and who is, of course, related to the gov'ment; 
 and jus as the gov'ment goes agin him she goes for him. This 
 is nat'ral, but not grateful. She sez, " And can it be so ? Ar, 
 tell me it is not so thusly as this thusness wouldst seem ! " or 
 words to that effeck. 
 
 He sez it isn't any other way, and they go off. 
 
 Irish moosic by the Band. 
 
 Mr McCool goes and gives the money to his foster-sister, 
 
308 O'BOURCY'S " ARIiAH-NA-POGUE." 
 
 Miss Arrah Meelish, who is goin to shortly marry Shaun, the 
 Lamp Post. Mac then alters his mind about goin over to 
 France, and thinks he'll go up-stairs and lie down in the straw. 
 This is in Arrah's cabin. Arrah says it 's all right, me darlint, 
 och hone, and shure, and other pop'lar remarks, and Mac goes 
 to his straw. 
 
 The weddin of Shaun and Arrah comes off. 
 
 Great excitement. Immense demonstration on the part of 
 the peasantry. Barn-door jigs, and rebelyus song by McHouse, 
 called " The Drinkin of the Gin." Ha, what is this ? Soldiers 
 cum in. Moosic by the band. " Arrah," sez the Major, " you 
 have those money." She sez, " Oh no, I guess not." He sez, 
 " Oh yes, I guess you have." " It is my own," sez she, and 
 exhibits it. " It is mine," says Mr Feeny, and identifies it. 
 
 Great confusion. 
 
 Coat is prodoosed from up-stairs. 
 
 " Whose coat is this 1 " sez the Major. " Is it the coat of a 
 young man secreted in this here cabin 1 " 
 
 Now this is rough on Shaun. His wife accoosed of theft, 
 the circumstances bein very much agin her, and also accoosed 
 of havin a hansum young man hid in her house. But does 
 this bold young Hibernian forsake her 1 Not much, he don't. 
 But he takes it all on himself, sez he is the guilty wretch, and 
 is marcht off to prison. 
 
 This is a new idee. It is gin'rally the wife who suffers, in 
 the play, for her husband ; but here's a noble young feller who 
 shuts both his eyes to the apparent sinfulness of his new young 
 wife, and takes her right square to his bosom. It was bootiful 
 to me, who love my wife, and believe in her, and would put on 
 my meetin clothes and go to the gallus for her cheerfully, ruther 
 than believe she was capable of taking anybody's money but 
 mine. My marrid friends, listen to me : If you treat your 
 wives as tho' they were perfeck gentlemen — if you show 'em 
 that you have entire confidence in them — believe me, they will 
 be troo to you most always. 
 
O'BOURCY'S " ARRAH-NA-POGUE." 309. 
 
 I was so pleased with this conduck of Shaun that I hollered 
 out, " Good boy ! Come and see me ! " 
 
 " Silence ! " sum people sed. 
 
 " Put him out ! " said a sweet-scented young man, with all 
 his new clothes on, and in company with a splendid waterfall, 
 " put this old fellow out ! " 
 
 "My young friend," said I, in a loud voice, "whose store 
 do you sell tape in 1 I might want to huy a yard, before I go 
 hum." 
 
 Shaun is tried by a Military Commission. Colonel O'Grady, 
 although a member of the Commission, shows he sympathises 
 with Shaun, and twits Feeny, the Gov'ment witness, with being 
 a knock-kneed thief, &c, &c. Mr Stanton's grandfather was 
 Sec'y of War in Ireland at that time, so this was entirely 
 proper. 
 
 Shaun is convicted and goes to jail. Hears Arrah singin 
 outside.. Wants to see her a good deal. A lucky thought 
 strikes him ; he opens the window and gets out. Struggles 
 with ivy and things on the outside of the jail, and finally 
 reaches her just as Mr Feeny is about to dash a large wooden 
 stone onto his head. He throws Mr F. into the river. Pardon 
 arrives. Fond embraces. Tears of joy and kisses a la Pogue. 
 Everybody much happy. 
 
 Curtain falls. 
 
 This is a very hasty outline of a splendid play. Go and 
 see it. — Yours, till then, _ 
 
 A. Wakd. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD 
 AMONG THE FENIANS. 
 
PRELIMINARY. 
 
 THERE is a story of two " smart " Yankees, one named 
 Hosea and the other Hezekiah, who met in an oyster shop 
 in Boston. Said Hosea, "As to opening oysters, why nothing's 
 easier if you only know how." " And how 's how ?" asked Heze- 
 kiah. " Scotch snuff," replied Hosea, very gravely — " Scotch 
 snuff. Bring a little of it ever so near their noses, and they '11 
 sneeze their lids off." " I know a man who knows a better 
 plan," observed Hezekiah. "He spreads the bivalves in a circle, 
 seats himself in the centre, reads a chapter of Artemvs Ward 
 to them, and goes on until they get interested. One by one 
 they gape with astonishment at A. Ward's whoppers, and as 
 they gape my friend whips 'em out, peppers away, and swal- 
 lows 'em." 
 
 Excellent as all that Artemus "Ward writes really is, and 
 exuberantly overflowing with humour as are nearly all his 
 articles, it is too bad to accuse- him of telling " whoppers." 
 On the contrary, the old Horatian question of "Who shall 
 forbid me to speak truth in laughter ? " seems ever present to 
 his mind. His latest production is the admirable paper on 
 the Fenians with which this little volume opens. Sparkling j 
 with genuine fun and bristling with pungent satire, it is an 
 epitome of Artemus Ward's most genial humour and of his 
 keenly sarcastic truth. The doings of the Fenians have 
 hitherto been sufliciently ludicrous to merit the ridicule which 
 Artemus has added to the stock they have so liberally pro- 
 
3H PRELIMINARY. 
 
 vided for themselves. To use the periphrasis of Senator 
 Sumner, they have hitherto been '■' the muscipular ahortion of 
 the parturient mountain," whatever their folly may yet lead 
 them to effect of a more serious nature in time to come. As 
 a curiosity of literature, worthy of being preserved for the 
 amusement of posterity, a leading article on the Fenians, ex- 
 tracted from a New York paper of most extensive circulation, 
 is given below.* Such another " leader " as the one here 
 given could not be met with in the press of any land in the 
 world, except in that of the United States. 
 
 * "The Fenian Troubles at an End— The Head Centre Victorious. 
 " The unmitigated blackguards and miserable spalpeens who raised the 
 standard of revolt against the brave and gallant O'Mahony are knocked 
 into the most infinitesimal smithereens, and chawed up until there is not 
 as much left of them as remained after the tooth-and-nail conflict of the 
 Kilkenny cats. The blessed and holy St Patrick (may the heavens be his 
 bed in glory !) never more thoroughly extinguished the toads, snakes, bed- 
 bugs, mosquitoes, and varmint in general, which he drove out of Ould 
 Ireland, than O'Mahony, the gallant Head Centre, squelched, exterminated, 
 crushed out, and extinguished the cantankerous Senators and rebellious 
 disciples of the brotherhood who thought to clutch the evergreen laurels 
 and verdant greenbacks with which a patriotic and confiding people have 
 encircled his brow and lined his wallet. As the blessed St Patrick afore- 
 said compelled the varmints to betake themselves to the swamps and 
 morasses, and 'chased the frogs into the bogs,' so the redoubtable O'Ma- 
 hony has compelled the rebellious Fenians to hide their diminished heads 
 and betake themselves to the recesses of oblivion, where their contortions 
 will be watched by the observer of futurity, as the visitors of Blarney 
 Castle are edified by the gambols of the ' comely eels in the verdant mud.' 
 The brave O'Mahony has come forth from the contest like gold from the 
 crucible, or whisky from the still, purified, etherealised, and elevated, 
 while his antagonists have shrunk away like dross or swill, never more to 
 mingle with the Olympian deliberation, and Jove-like councils of the 
 Moffatt Mansion. Instead of participating in these august deliberations, 
 they will go back to their shanties, and there behold the glories they are 
 unworthy to share. As if the O'Mahony bludgeon had not knocked the 
 breath completely out of the revolters, the idolised Stephens, who, like 
 the Roman Curtius, jumped into the gulf of Irish nationality, published a 
 letter and a proclamation which must satisfy the public that the recreants 
 
PRELIMINARY. 315 
 
 If Artemus has on any occasion really told " whoppers," it 
 has been in his announcements of being about to visit Eng- 
 land. From time to time he has stated his intention of visiting 
 this country, and from time to time has he disappointed his 
 English friends. 
 
 He was coming to England after his trip to California, when, 
 laden with gold, he could think of no better place to spend it 
 in. 
 
 He was on his way to England when he and his companion, 
 Mr Hingston, encountered the Pi-ute Indians, and narrowly 
 escaped scalping. 
 
 He was leaving for England with " Betsy Jane " and the 
 " snaiks " before the American war was ended. 
 
 He had unscrewed the head of each of his " wax figgers," 
 and sent each on board in a carpet-bag, labelled " For Eng- 
 land," just as Mr Lincoln was assassinated. 
 
 He was hastening to England when the news came a few 
 weeks ago that he had been blown up in an oil well ! 
 
 He has been on his way to England in every newspaper of 
 the American Union for the last two years. 
 
 Here is the latest announcement : — 
 
 "Artemus "Ward, in a private letter, states that Doctor 
 Kumming, the famous London seer and profit, having foretold 
 that the end of the world will happen on his own birthday, 
 
 are 'kilt intirely,' and may as well give their neighbours a pleasant wake 
 and a decent burial as expect to survive the period of their inevitable dis- 
 solution. His proclamation comes down on them like a shillaly in Donny- 
 brook ; and if it does not ventilate their skulls, it is because those cranial 
 envelopes are as impervious to physical force as to the gentle influence of 
 reason or patriotism. Having demolished the rebellious Senate and their 
 backers, the next thing O'Mahony has to do is to wipe out the bloody 
 Saxon and re-establish the nationality of the Emerald Isle as it existed in 
 the days of Brian Boru. As Queen Victoria is a woman, we do not expect 
 to see her locked up like Jeff. Davis, but she will be allowed to emigrate 
 to New York, and open a boarding-school or a dry-goods store, where she 
 will remain unmolested as long as she behaves herself." 
 
316 PRELIMINARY. 
 
 in January 1867, he, Artemus, -will not visit England until the 
 latter end of 1866, when the people there will be selling off, 
 and dollars will be plentiful. Mr Ward says that he shall 
 leave England in the last steamer, in time to see the American 
 eagle spread his wings, and with the stars and stripes in his 
 ' beek and tallents, sore away to his knativ empyrehum." — 
 American Paper. 
 
 But even this is likely to be a " whopper," for a more reli- 
 able private letter from Artemus declares his fixed purpose to 
 leave for England in the steamship City of Boston early in June ; 
 and the probabilities are that he will be stepping on English 
 shores just about the time that these pages go to press. 
 
 Lest anything should happen to him, and England be for 
 ever deprived of seeing him, the most recent production of his 
 pen, together with two or three of his best things, are here 
 embalmed for preservation, on the principle adopted by the 
 affectionate widow of the bear-trainer of Perpignan. " I have 
 nothing left," said the woman ; " I am absolutely without a 
 roof to shelter me and the poor animal." " Animal ! " ex- 
 claimed the prefect; " you don't mean to say that you keep the 
 bear that devoured your husband 1 " " Alas ! " she replied, 
 "it is all that is left to me of the poor dear man ? " 
 
 If any other excuse be needed for thus presenting the British 
 public with A. "Ward's " last," in addition to the pertinency of 
 the article and its real merit, that excuse may be found in the 
 fact that it is thoroughly new to readers on this side of the 
 Atlantic. 
 
 The general public will undoubtedly receive "Artemus Ward 
 among the Fenians " with approving laughter. Should it fall 
 into the hands of a philo-Fenian, the effect may be different. 
 To him it would probably have the wrong action of the Yan- 
 kee bone-picking machine. 
 
 "I've got a' new machine," said a Yankee pedlar, "for 
 picking bones out of fish. Now, I tell you, it 's a leetle bit 
 the darndest thing you ever did see. All you have to do is to 
 
PRELIMINARY. 317 
 
 set it on a- table and turn a crank, and the fish flies right down 
 your throat and the bones right under the grate. "Well, there 
 was a country greenhorn got hold of it the other day, and he 
 turned the crank the wrong way ; and, I tell you, the way the 
 bones flew down his throat was awful. Why, it stuck that 
 fellow so full of bones, that he could not get his shirt off for a 
 whole week ! " 
 
 In addition to the paper on the Fenians, two other articles 
 by Artemus Ward are reprinted in the present volume. One 
 relates to the city of Washington, and the other to the author's 
 imaginary town of Baldinsville. Both are highly characteristic 
 of the writer and of his quaint spellings — a heterography not 
 more odd than that of the. postmaster of Shawnee County, 
 Missouri, who, returning his account to the General Office, 
 wrote, " I hearby sertify that the four going A-Counte is as 
 nere Rite as I now how to make It, if there is any mistake it 
 is not Dun a purpers." 
 
 Artemus Ward has created a new model for funny writers ; 
 
 and the fact is notieeable that, in various parts of this country 
 
 as well as in his own, he has numerous puny imitators, who 
 
 suppose that by simply adopting his comic spelling they can 
 
 write quite as well as he can. Perhaps it would be as well if 
 
 they remembered the joke of poor Thomas Hood, who said 
 
 that he could write as well as Shakespere if he had the mind 
 
 to, but the trouble was — he had not got the mind. 
 
 * * * 
 
 15th June 1866. 
 
 P.S. — June \§th. — Artemus Ward really arrived in London 
 yesterday. He has come to England at last, though, like " La 
 Belle Helene" at the Adelphi Theatre, he "has been some 
 time in preparation." 
 
ARTEMUS WARD AMONG THE 
 FENIANS. 
 
 To Home, April 1866. 
 The Finians conveened in our town the other night, and took 
 steps toord freein Ireland. They met into the Town Hall, and 
 by the kind invite of my naber, Mr Mulroony O'Shaughnessy, 
 whose ancestors at least must have Irish blood in their veins, 
 I went over. 
 
 You may not be awair, by the way, that I 've been a invalid 
 here to home for sev'ril weeks. And it 's all owin to my own 
 improodens. Not feelin like eating a full meal when the cars 
 stopt for dinner, in the South, where I lately was, I went into 
 a Eesterater and et 20 hard biled eggs. I think they effected 
 my Liver. 
 
 My wife says, Po, po. She says I 've got a splendid liver * 
 for a man of my time of life. I 've heard of men's livers gradoo- 
 ally wastin' away till they hadn't none. It 's a dreadful thing 
 when a man's liver gives him. the shake. 
 
 Two years ago comin this May, I had a 'tack of fever-'n-ager, 
 and by the advice of Miss Peasley (who continues single and 
 is correspondinly unhappy in the same ratio) I consulted a 
 Spiritooul mejum— a writin' mejum. I got a letter from a 
 cel'brated Injin chief, who writ me, accordin to the mejum, 
 that he'd been ded two hundred and seventeen (217) years, 
 and liked it. He then said, let the Pale face drink sum yarb 
 
 * In America perhaps nine complainte out of ten are attributed to some 
 derangement of the liver. — Ed. 
 
A. WARD AMONG THE FENIANS. 319 
 
 tea ! I drinkt it, and it really helpt me. I 've writ to this 
 talented savige this time thro' the same mejum, but as yet I 
 hain't got any answer. Perhaps he 's in a spear where they 
 hain't got any postage stamps. 
 
 But thanks to careful nussin, I 'm improvin rapid. 
 The Town Hall waz jam-full of people, mostly Irish citizens, 
 and the enthusiasm was immense. They cheer'd everybody 
 and everything. They cheer'd me. 
 '' Hurroo for Ward ! Hurroo ! " 
 
 They was all good nabers of mine, and I ansered in a plea- 
 sant voice, "All right, boys, all right. Mavoorneen, och 
 hone, aroon, Cooshla macree ! " 
 
 These Irish remarks bein' received with great applaus, I 
 added, " Mushier ! mushier ! " 
 
 " Good ! good ! " cried Captain Spingler, who desires the 
 Irish vote for county clerk ; " that 's fus' rate." 
 
 " You see what I 'm drivin at, don't you, Cap 1 " I said. 
 " Certainly." 
 
 " Well," I ansered, " I 'm very glad you do, becaus I don't." 
 This made the Finians larf, and they said, " Walk up onto 
 the speaker's platform, sir." 
 
 The speeches was red hot agin England, and hir iron heel, 
 and it was resolved to free Ireland at onct. But it was much 
 desirable before freein her that a large quantity of funds 
 should be raised. And, like the gen'rous souls as they was, 
 funs was lib'rally contribooted. Then arose a excitin discus-' 
 sion as to which head center they should send 'em to — 
 O'Mahony or McEoberts. There was grate excitement over 
 this, but it was finally resolved to send half to one and half 
 to 'tother. 
 
 Then Mr Finnigan rose and said, " We have here to-night 
 sum citizens of American birth, from whom we should be glad 
 to hear. It would fill our harts with speechless joy to hear 
 from a man whose name towers high in the zoological and 
 wax-figger world — from whose pearly lips " 
 
320 ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 Says I, " Go slow, Finny, go slow.'' 
 
 " We wish to hear," continued Mr Finnigan, moderatin his 
 stile summut, " from our townsman, Mr Ward." 
 
 I beg'd to be declined, but it wan't no use. I rose amid a 
 perfeck uproar of applaus. 
 
 I said we had convened there in a meetin, as I understood 
 it, or rather in a body, as it were, in refrence to Ireland. If 
 I knew my own hart, every one of us there, both grate and 
 small, had an impulse flowin in his boosum, " and consequen- 
 tially," I added, we " will stick to it similar and in accordance 
 therewith, as long as a spark of manhood, or the peple at 
 large. That 's the kind of man I be ! " 
 
 Squire Thaxter interrupted me. The Squire feels the 
 wrongs of Ireland deeply, on accounts of havin onct courted 
 the widder of a Irish gentleman who had lingered in a loath- 
 sum dunjin in Dublin, placed there by a English tavern-keeper, 
 who despotically wanted him to pay for a quantity of chops 
 and beer he had consoom'd. Besides, the Squire wants to be 
 re-elected Justice of the Peace. " Mr Ward," he said, " you 've 
 bin drinkin. You 're under the infloo'nce of licker, sir ! " 
 
 Says I, " Squire, not a drop of good licker has passed my 
 lips in fifteen years.'' 
 
 [Cries of " Oh, here now, that won't do."] 
 
 " It is troo," I said. " Not a drop of good licker has passed 
 my lips in all that time. I don't let it pass 'em. I reach for 
 it while it's goin by !" says I. " Squire, harness me sum 
 more!" 
 
 " I beg pardon," said the Squire, " for the remark ; you are 
 sober ; but what on airth are you drivin at %"• 
 
 "Yes !" I said, "that's just it. That's what I've bin axin 
 myself durin the entire evenin. What is this grate meetin 
 drivin at? What's all the grate Finian meetins drivin at all 
 over the country ? 
 
 " My Irish frens, you know me well enuff to know that I didn't 
 come here to disturb this meetin. Nobody but a loafer will 
 
AMONG THE FENIANS. 321 
 
 disturb any kind of a meetin. And if you '11 notiss it, them 
 as are up to this sort of thing, allers come to a bad end. 
 There was a young man — I will not mention his name — who 
 disturb'd my show in a certain town, two years ago, by makin 
 remarks, disrespectful of my animals, accompanied by a allosan 
 to the front part of my hed, which, as you see, it is Bald — 
 sayin, says this young man, ' You sandpaper it too much, but 
 you 've got a beautiful head of hair in the back of your neck, 
 old man.' This made a few ignent and low-mindid persons 
 larf ; but what was the fate of that young man ? In less than 
 a month his aunt died and left him a farm in Oxford county, 
 Maine ! The human mind can pictur no grater misfortin 
 than this. 
 
 " No, my Irish frens, I am here as your naber and fren. I 
 know you are honest in this Finian matter. 
 
 " But let us look at them Head Centers. Let us look at 
 them rip-roarin orators in New York, who 've bin tearin round 
 for up'ards a year, swearin Ireland shall be free. 
 
 " There's two parties — O'McMahoneys and McO'Eoberts. ' 
 One thinks the best way is to go over to Canady and establish 
 a Irish Republic there, kindly permittin the Canadians to pay 
 the expenses of that sweet Boon ; and the other wants to sail 
 direck for Dublin Bay, where young McEoy and his fair young 
 bride went down- and was drownded, accordin to a ballad I 
 onct heard. But there 's one pint on which both sides agree — 
 that 's the Funs. They 're willin, them chaps in New York, to 
 receive all the Funs you '11 send 'em. You send a puss to-night 
 to Mahony, and another puss to Eoberts. Both will receive 
 'em. You bet. And with other pusses it will be sim'lar. 
 
 " I went into Mr Delmonico's * eatin-house the other night, 
 and I saw my fren Mr Terence McFadden, who is a elekent 
 and enterprisin deputy Centre. He was sittin at a table, eatin 
 a canvas-back duck. Poultry of that kind, as you know, is 
 
 * The first restaurant in New York, where the best entertainment for 
 the highest prices may be obtained. — Ed. 
 
 X 
 
322 ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 rather high just now. I think about five dollars per Poult. 
 And a bottle of green seal stood before him. 
 
 " ' How are you, Mr McFadden V I said. 
 
 " ' Oh, Mr Ward ! I am miserable — miserable ! The wrongs 
 we Irishmen suffer ! Oh, Ireland ! Will a troo history of 
 your sufferins ever be written ? Must we be for ever ground 
 under by the iron heel of despotic Briton ? But, Mr Ward, 
 won't you eat suthin 1 ' 
 
 " ' Well, ' " I said, '"if there 's another canvas-back and a spare 
 bottle of that green seal in the house, I wouldn't mind jinin 
 you in bein ground under by Briton's iron heel.' 
 • " ' Green turtle soup, first V he said. 
 
 " ' Well, yes. If I'm to share the wrongs of Ireland with 
 you, I don't care if I do hav a bowl of soup. Put a bean into 
 it,' I said to the waiter. ' It will remind me of my childhood 
 days, when we had 'em baked in conjunction with pork every 
 Sunday mornin, and then all went up to the village church, 
 and had a refreshin nap in the fam'ly pew.' 
 
 " Mr McFadden, who was sufferin so thurily for Ireland, 
 was of the Mahony wing. I 've no doubt that some ekally 
 patriotic member of the Roberts wing was sufferin in the same 
 way over to the Mason-Dory* eatin-house. 
 
 " They say, feller citizens, soon you will see a Blow struck 
 for Irish liberty ! We hain't seen nothin but a Blow, so far — 
 it 's bin all blow, and the blowers in New York won't git out 
 of Bellusses as long as our Irish frens in the rooral districks 
 send 'em money. 
 
 "Let the Green float above the red, if that'll make it feel 
 any better, but don't you be the Green. Don't never go into 
 anything till you know whereabouts you 're goin to. 
 
 " This is a very good country here where you are. You 
 Irish hav enjoyed our boons, held your share in our offices, 
 and you certainly hav done you"share of our votin. Then why 
 
 * Another restaurant, only a trifle less famous and expensive than its 
 more celebrated rival. — Ed. 
 
AMONG THE FENIANS. 323 
 
 this hullabaloo about freein Ireland 1 You do your frens in 
 Ireland a great injoory, too ; because they b'lieve you 're comin 
 sure enuff, and they fly off the handle and git into jail. My 
 Irish frens, ponder these things a little. 'Zamine 'em closely, 
 and above all find out where the pusses go to." 
 
 I sot down. There was no applaws, but they listened to ' 
 me kindly. They know'd I was honest, however wrong I 
 might be ; and they know'd, too, that there was no peple on 
 arth whose generosity and gallantry I had a higher respect 
 for than the Irish, excep when the fly off the handle. So, my 
 feller citizens, let me toot my horn. 
 
 But Squire Thaxter put his hand onto my hed and said, in 
 a mournful tone of vois, " Mr Ward, your mind is failin. 
 Your intellect totters ! You are only about sixty years of 
 age, yet you will soon be a drivelin dotard, and hav no control 
 over yourself." 
 
 " I have no control over my arms now," I replied, drivin my 
 elbows suddenly into the Squire's stomack, which caused thab 
 corpulent magistrate to fall vilently off the stage into the 
 fiddlers' box, where he stuck his vener'ble hed into a base 
 drum, and stated " Murder " twice, in a very loud vois. 
 
 It was late when I got home. The children and my wife 
 was all abed. But a candle — a candle made from taller of our 
 own raisin — gleamed in Betsy's room ; it gleamed for I ! All 
 was still. The sweet silver moon, was a shinin bright, and 
 the beautiful stars was up to their usual doins ! I felt a sen- 
 tymental mood so gently ore me stealin, and I pawsed before 
 Betsy's winder, and sung, in a kind of op'ratic vois, as follers, 
 impromtoo, to wit : 
 
 Wake, Bessy, wake^ 
 
 My sweet galoot ! 
 Rise up, fair lady, 
 
 While I touch my lute ! 
 
 The winder— I regret to say that the winder went up with 
 a vi'lent crash, and a form robed in spotless white exclaimed, 
 
324 ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 " Cum into the house, you old fool. To-morrer you'll be goin 
 round complainin about your liver ! " 
 
 I sot up a spell by the kitchen fire readin Lewis Napoleon's 
 " Life of Julius Csesar." What a reckless old cuss he was ! 
 Yit Lewis picturs him in glowin cullers. Csesar made it lively 
 for the boys in Gaul, didn't he ? He slewd one million of 
 citizens, male and female — Gauls and Gaulusses — and then he 
 sold another million of 'em into slavery. He continnered this 
 cheerful stile of thing for sum time, when one day he was 
 'sassinated in Rome by sum high-toned Roman gen'lmen, led 
 on by Mr Brutus. When old Bruty inserted his knife into 
 him, Caasar admitted that he was gone up. His funeral was a 
 great success, the house bein crowded to its utmost capacity. 
 Ten minutes after the doors were opened, the Ushers had to 
 put up cards on which was printed, " Standin Room Only." 
 
 I went to bed at last. " And so," I said, " thou hast no 
 ear for sweet melody 1 " 
 
 A silvery snore was my only answer. 
 
 Betsy slept. 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 [The following paper was contributed by Mr Browne to Vanity Fair, 
 the New York Punch, which terminated its career during the late war. 
 Some of the allusions are, of course, to matters long past ; but the old 
 fun and genuine humour of the showman are as enjoyable now as when 
 first written .] 
 
 Washington, April 17, 1863. 
 My wife stood before the lookin-glass, a fussin up her hair. 
 
 " What you doin, Betsy 1 " I inquired. 
 
 " Doin up my back hair," she replied. 
 
 " Betsy," sed I, with a stern air, '' Betsy, you're too old to 
 think about such frivolities as back hair." 
 
IN WASHINGTON. 325 
 
 " Too old ? too old 1 " she screamed ; " too old, you bald- 
 heded idiot ! You ain't got hair enuff onto your hed to make 
 a decent wig for a single-brested grasshopper ! " 
 
 The Eebook was severe, but merited. Hens4th I shall let 
 my wife's back hair alone. You heard me ! 
 
 My little dawter is growin quite rapid, and begins to 
 scrootinize clothin, with young men inside of it, puthy clost. 
 I obsarve, too, that she twists pieces of paper round her hair 
 at nights, and won't let me put my arms round her any more 
 for fear I '11 muss her. " Your mother wasn't 'fraid I 'd muss 
 her when she was your age, my child," sed I one day, with a 
 sly twinkle into my dark bay eye. 
 
 " No/' replied my little dawter, " she probly liked it." 
 
 You ain't going to fool female Young America much. You 
 may gamble on that. 
 
 But all this, which happened in Baldinsville a week ago, 
 hain't nothin to do with "Washington, from whither I now 
 write you, hopin the items I hereby sends will be exceptable 
 to the Gin-Cocktail of America — I mean the Punch thereof. 
 [A mild wittikism. — A. W.] 
 
 "Washington, D. C.,* is the Capital of "our once happy 
 country " — if I may be allowed to koin a frase ! The D. C. 
 stands for Desprit Cusses, a numerosity which abounds here, 
 the most of whom persess a Bomantic pashun for gratooitous 
 drinks. And in this conjunction I will relate an incident. I 
 notist for several days a large Hearse standin in front of the 
 principal tavern on Pennsylvany Avenoo. " Can you tell me, 
 my fair Castillian," sed I this mornin, to a young Spaniard 
 from Tipperary, who was blackin boots in the washroom — 
 " can you tell me what those Hearse is kept standin out there 
 for ? " 
 
 " Well, you see our Bar bisness is great. You Ve no idee 
 of the number of people who drink at our Bar durin a day. 
 You see those Hearse is necessary." 
 
 * District of Columbia. — Ed. 
 
326 ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 I saw. 
 
 Standin in front of the tarvuns on Pennsylvany Avenoo is 
 a lot of miserbul -wretches, — black, white and ring strickid, 
 and freckled— with long whips in their hands, who frowns 
 upon you like the wulture upon the turtle-dove the minit you 
 dismerge from hotel. They own yonder four-wheeled startlin 
 curiositys, which were used years and years ago by the fust 
 settlers of Virginny to carry live hogs to market in. The best 
 carriage I saw in the entire collection was used by .Pocky- 
 hontas, sum two hundred years ago as a goat-pen. Becumin 
 so used up that it couldn't hold goats, that fair and gentle 
 savage put it up at auction. Subsekently it was used as a 
 hospital for sick calves, then as a hencoop, and finally it was 
 put on wheels and ds now doin duty as a hack. 
 
 I called on Secretary "Welles, of the Navy. You know he 
 is quite a mariner himself, havin once owned a Raft of logs on 
 the Connethycut river. So I put on saler stile and hollered : 
 " Ahoy, shipmet ! Tip us yer grapplin irons ! " 
 
 " Yes, yes ! " he sed, nervously, " but mercy on us, don't 
 be so noisy." 
 
 " Ay, ay, my hearty ! But let me sing about how Jack 
 Stokes lost his gal : — 
 
 ' The reason why he couldn't gain her, 
 Was beeoz he's drunken saler ! ' 
 
 " That 's very good, indeed," said the Secky, " but this is 
 hardly the place to sing songs in, my frend." 
 
 " Let me write the songs of a nashun," sed I, " and I don't 
 care a cuss who goes to the legislater ! But I ax your pardon — 
 how 's things 1 " 
 
 " Comfortable, I thank you. I have here," he' added, " a 
 copy of the Middletown Weekly Clarion of February the 15, 
 containin a report that there isn't much Union sentiment in 
 South Caroliny, but I hardly credit it." 
 
 " Air you well, Mr Secky," sed I. "Is your liver all right? 
 How's your koff?" 
 
IN WASHINGTON. 327 
 
 " God bless me ! " sed the Secky, risin hastily and glarin 
 wildly at me, " what do you mean 1 " 
 
 " Oh nothin partickler. Only it is one of the beauties of a 
 Republican form of gov'ment that a Cabnit offisser can pack up 
 his trunk and go home whenever he 's sick. Sure nothin don't 
 ail your liver ? " sed I, pokin him putty vilent in the stummick. 
 
 I called on Abe. He received me kindly. I handed him 
 my umbreller, and told him I 'd have a check for it if he 
 pleased. " That," sed he, " puts me in mind of a little story. 
 There was a man out in our parts who was so mean that he 
 took his wife's coffin out of the back winder for fear he would 
 rub the paint off the doorway. Wall, about this time there 
 was a man in a adjacent town who had a green cotton um- 
 breller." 
 
 " Did it fit him well ? "Was it custom made ? Was he 
 measured for it 1 " 
 
 " Measured for what ? " said Abe. 
 
 " The umbreller 1 " 
 
 " Wall, as I was sayin," continnerd the President, treatin 
 the interruption with apparent eontempt, " this man sed he 'd 
 known that there umbreller ever since it was a parasol. Ha, 
 ha, ha ! " 
 
 " Yes,'' sed I, larfin in a respectful manner, but what has 
 this man with the umbreller to do with the man who took his 
 wife's coffin out of the back winder 1 " 
 
 " To be sure," said Abe — " what was it ? I must have got 
 two stories mixed together, which puts me in mind of another 
 lit " 
 
 "Never mind, Your Excellency. I called to congratulate you 
 on your career, which has been a honest and a good one — un- 
 scared and unmoved by Secesh in front of you and Abbolish at 
 the back of you — each one of which is a little wuss than the 
 other if possible ! 
 
 "Tell E. Stanton that his boldness, honesty, and vigger 
 merits all prase, but to keep his under-garmints on. E. Stan- 
 
328 ARTEMUS WARD IN WASHINGTON. 
 
 ton has appeerently only one weakness, -which it is, he can't 
 alias keep his under-garmints from flyin up over his hed. I 
 mean that he occasionally dances in a peck-measure, and he 
 don't look graceful at it." 
 
 I took my departer. " Good bye, old sweetness ! " sed Abe, 
 shakin me cordgully by the hand. 
 
 "Adoo, my Prahayrie flower!" I replied, and made my 
 exit. " Twenty-five thousand dollars a year and found," I 
 soliloquised, as I walked down the street, "is putty good 
 wages for a man with a modist appytite, but I reckon that it 
 is wuth it to run the White House." 
 
 " What you bowt; sah ? What the debble you doin, sab? " 
 
 It was the voice of an Afrikin Brother which thus spoke to 
 me. There was a cullud procession before me which was 
 escortin a elderly bald-hedded Afrikin to his home in Bates 
 Alley. This distinguished Afrikin Brother had just returned 
 from Lybery, and in turnin a corner puty suddent I hed 
 stumbled and placed my hed agin his stummick in a rather 
 strengthy manner. 
 
 " Do you wish to impede the progress of this procession, 
 sah?" 
 
 " Certainly not, by all means ! Procesh ! " 
 
 And they went on. 
 
 I,'m reconstructing my show. I've bo't a collection of life- 
 size wax figgers of our prominent Revolutionary forefathers. 
 I bo't 'em at auction, and got 'em cheap. They stand me 
 about two dollars and fifty cents (2 dols. 50 cents) per Revolu- 
 tionary forefather. 
 
 Ever as always yours, 
 
 A. Ward. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S 
 LECTURE. 
 
The Lecture on the Mormons was thus announced to the 
 public of New York, when Artemus Ward first appeared at 
 Dodworth Hall : — 
 
 The Festivities at Dodworth Hall will be commenced by the pianist, a 
 gentleman who used to board in the same street with Gottschalk. The 
 man who kept the boarding-house remembers it distinctly. The overture' 
 will consist of a medley of airs, including the touching new ballads — 
 " Dear Sister, is there any Pie in the house ?" " My Gentle Father, have 
 you any Fine Cut about you ? " " Mother, is the Battle o'er — and is it safe 
 for me to come home from Canada ? " And (by request of several families 
 who haven't heard it) " Tramp, tramp, tramp, the Boys are Marching." 
 While the enraptured ear drinks in the sweet music (we pay our pianist 
 nine dollars a week, and "find him") the eye will be enchained by the 
 magnificent green baize covering of the panorama. This green baize cost 
 40 cents a yard at Mr Stewart's store. It was bought in deference to the 
 present popularity of " The Wearing of the Green." We shall keep up 
 to the times if we spend the last dollar our friends have got. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 BY T. W. ROBERTSON. 
 
 FEW tasks are more difficult or delicate than to write 
 on the subject of the works or character of a departed 
 friend. The pen falters as the familiar face looks out of the 
 paper. The mind is diverted from the thought of death as 
 the memory recalls some happy epigram. It seems so strange 
 that the hand that traced the jokes should be cold, that the 
 tongue that trolled out the good things should be silent — that 
 the jokes and the good things should remain, and the man 
 who made them should be gone for ever. 
 
 The works of Charles Farrer Browne — who was known to 
 the world as " Artemus Ward " — have run through so many 
 editions, have met with such universal popularity, and have 
 been so widely criticised, that it is needless to mention them 
 here. So many biographies have been written of the gentle- 
 man who wrote in the character of the 'cute Yankee Showman, 
 that it is unnecessary that I should touch upon his life, be- 
 longings, or adventures. Of " Artemus Ward " I know just 
 as much as the rest of the world. I prefer, therefore, to speak 
 of Charles Farrer Browne, as I knew him, and, in doing so, I 
 can promise those friends who also knew him and esteemed 
 him, that as I consider no " public '' man so public, that some 
 portion of Ms work, pleasures,, occupations, and habits may not 
 
332 INTRODUCTION 
 
 be considered private, I shall only mention how kind and noble- 
 minded was the man of whom I write, without dragging for- 
 ward special and particular acts in proof of my words, as if the 
 goodness of his mind and character needed the certificate of 
 facts. 
 
 I first saw Charles Browne at a literary club ; he had only 
 been a few hours in London, and he seemed highly pleased and 
 excited at finding himself in the old city to which his thoughts 
 had so often wandered. Browne was an intensely sympa- 
 thetic man. His brain and feelings were as a " lens," and he 
 received impressions immediately. No man could see him 
 without liking him at once. His manner was straightforward 
 and genial, and had in it the dignity of a gentleman, tempered, 
 as it were, by the fun of the humorist. . When you heard him 
 talk you wanted to make much of him, not because he was 
 " Artemus Ward," but because he was himself, for no one less 
 resembled "Artemus Ward" than his author and creator, 
 Charles Farrer Browne. But a few weeks ago it was remarked 
 to me that authors were a disappointing race to know, and I 
 agreed with the remark, and I remember a lady once said to 
 me that the personal appearance of poets seldom " came up " 
 to their works. To this I replied that, after all, poets were 
 but men, and that it was as unreasonable to expect that the 
 late Sir Walter Scott could at all resemble a Gathering of the 
 Clans as that the late Lord Macaulay should appear anything 
 like the Committal of the Seven Bishops to the Tower. I told 
 the lady that she was unfair to eminent men if she hoped that 
 celebrated engineers would look like tubular bridges, or that 
 Sir Edwin Landseer would remind her of a "Midsummer 
 Night's Dream." I mention this because, of all men in the 
 world, my friend Charles Browne was the least like a showman 
 of any man I ever encountered. I can remember the odd half- 
 disappointed look of some of the visitors to the Egyptian 
 Hall when " Artemus " stepped upon the platform. At first 
 they thought that he was a gentleman who appeared to 
 
BY T. W. ROBERTSON. 333 
 
 apologise for the absence of the showman. They had pic- 
 tured to themselves a coarse old man, with a damp eye and 
 a puckered mouth, one eyebrow elevated an inch above 
 the other to express shrewdness and knowledge of the 
 world — a man clad in velveteen and braid, with a heavy 
 watch-chain, large rings, and horny hands, the touter to a 
 wax-work show, with a hoarse voice, and over familiar 
 manner. The slim gentleman in evening dress, polished 
 manners, and gentle voice, with a tone of good breeding that 
 hovered between deference and jocosity ; the owner of those 
 thin — those much too thin — white hands could not be the 
 man who spelt joke with a " g." Folks . who came to laugh, 
 began to fear that they should remain to be instructed, until 
 the gentlemanly disappointer began to speak, then they 
 recovered their real " Artemus," Betsy Jane, wax-figgers, 
 and all. Will patriotic Americans forgive me if I say that 
 Charles Browne loved England dearly 1 He had been in 
 London but a few days when he paid a visit to the Tower. 
 He knew English history better than most Englishmen ; and 
 the Tower of London was to him the history of England em- 
 balmed in stone and mortar. No man had more reverence in 
 his nature ; and at the Tower he saw that what he had read 
 was real. There were the beef-eaters ; there had been Queen 
 Elizabeth and Sir Walter Baleigh, and Lady Jane Grey, and 
 Shakspere's murdered princes, and their brave, cruel uncle. 
 There was the block and the axe, and the armour and 
 the jewels. " St George for Merrie England ! " had been, 
 shouted in the Holy Land, and men of the same blood as 
 himself had been led against the infidel by men of the same 
 brain and muscle as George Washington. Bobin Hood was 
 a reality, and not & schoolboy's myth like Ali Baba and 
 Valentine and Orson. 
 
 There were two sets of feelings in Charles Browne at the 
 Tower. He could appreciate the sublimity of history, but, as 
 the " Show " part of the exhibition was described to him, the 
 
334 INTRODUCTION 
 
 humorist, the wit, and the iconoclast from the other side of 
 the Atlantic must have smiled at the "descriptions." The 
 "Tower" was a "show," like his own — Artemus Ward's. A 
 price was paid for admission, and the " figgers" were " orated." 
 Real jewellery is very like sham jewellery after all, and the 
 "Artemus" vein in Charles Browne's mental constitution — 
 the vein of humour, whose source was a strong contempt of 
 all things false, mean, shabby, pretentious, and only external 
 — of bunkum and Barnumisation — must have seen a gigantic 
 speculation realising shiploads of dollars if the Tower could 
 have been taken over to the States, and exhibited from town 
 .to town — the Star and Stripes flying over it — with a four- 
 horse lecture to describe the barbarity of the ancient British 
 Barons and the cuss of chivalry. 
 
 Artemus Ward's Lecture on the Mormons at the Egyptian 
 Hall, Piccadilly, was a great success. His humour was so 
 entirely fresh, new, and unconventional, it took his hearers by 
 surprise, and charmed them. His failing health compelled 
 him to abandon the lecture after about eight or ten weeks. 
 Indeed, during that brief period he was once or twice com- 
 pelled to dismiss his audience. I have myself seen him sink 
 into a chair and nearly faint after the exertion of dressing. 
 He exhibited the greatest anxiety to be at his post at the 
 appointed time, and scrupulously exerted himself to the 
 utmost to entertain his auditors. It was not because he was 
 sick that the public was to be disappointed, or that their 
 enjoyment was to be diminished. During the last few weeks 
 of his lecture-giving he steadily abstained from accepting any 
 of the numerous invitations he received. Had he lived through 
 the following London fashionable season, there is little doubt 
 that the room at the Egyptian Hall would have been thronged 
 nightly. Our aristocracy have a fine delicate sense of humour, 
 and the success, artistic and pecuniary, of " Artemus Ward " 
 would have rivalled that' of the famous " Lord Dundreary." 
 There were many stupid people who did not understand the 
 
BY T. W. ROBERTSON. 335 
 
 " fun " of Artemus Ward's books. In their vernacular " they 
 didn't see it." There were many stupid people who did not 
 understand the fun of Artemus "Ward's lecture on the Mormons. 
 They amid not see it. Highly respectable people — the pride 
 of their parish, when they heard of a lecture " upon the Mor- 
 mons " — expected to see a solemn person, full of old saws and 
 new statistics, who would denounce the sin of polygamy, and 
 bray against polygamists with four-and-twenty boiling-water 
 Baptist power of denunciation. These uncomfortable Chris- 
 tians do not like humour. They dread it as a certain person- 
 age is said to dread holy water, and for the same reason that 
 thieves fear policemen — it finds them out. When these good 
 idiots heard Artemus offer, if they did not like the lecture in 
 Piccadilly, to give them free tickets for the same lecture in 
 California, when he next visited that country, they turned to 
 each other indignantly, and said, " What use are tickets for 
 California to us ? We are not going to California. No ! we 
 are too good, too respectable, to go so far from home. The 
 man is a fool ! " One of these ornaments of the vestry com- 
 plained to the doorkeepers, and denounced the lecture as an 
 imposition ; " and," said the wealthy parishioner, " as for the 
 panorama, it 's the worst painted thing I ever saw in all my 
 life!" 
 
 But the entertainment, original, humorous, and racy though 
 it was, was drawing to a close ! In the fight between youth 
 and death, death was to conquer. By medical advice Charles 
 Browne went for a short time to Jersey — but the breezes of 
 Jersey were powerless. He wrote to London to his nearest 
 and dearest friends — the members of a literary club of which 
 he was a member — to complain that his " loneliness weighed 
 on him." He was brought back, but could not sustain the 
 journey farther than Southampton. There the members of 
 the before-mentioned club travelled from London to see him 
 — two at a time — that he might be less lonely — and for the 
 unwearying solicitude of his friend and agent, Mr Hirigston, 
 
536 INTRODUCTION BY T. W. ROBERTSON. 
 
 and to the kindly sympathy of the United States Consul at 
 Southampton, Charles Browne's best and dearest friends had 
 cause to be grateful. I cannot close these lines without men- 
 tion of "Artemus Ward's" last joke. He had read in the 
 newspapers that a wealthy American had offered to present 
 the Prince of Wales with a splendid yacht, American built. 
 
 " It seems," said the invalid, "a fashion now-a-daysfor every- 
 body to present the Prince of Wales with something, I think 
 I shall leave him — my panorama ! " 
 
 Charles Browne died beloved and regretted by all who 
 knew him, and by many who had known him but a few weeks ; 
 and when he drew his last breath, there passed away the 
 spirit of a true gentleman. 
 
 T. W. Eobertson. 
 London, August 11, 1868. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD AS A LECTURER. 
 
 P REFATORY NOTE 
 BY EDWARD P. HINGSTON. 
 
 IN Cleveland, Ohio, the pleasant city beside the lakes, Axtenras 
 Ward first determined to become a public lecturer. He 
 and I rambled through Cleveland together after his return from 
 California. He called on some old friends at the Herald office, 
 then went over to the Weddel House, and afterwards strolled 
 across to the offices of the Plain Dealer, where, in his position 
 as sub-editor, he had written many of his earlier essays. 
 Artemus inquired for Mr Cray, the editor, who chanced to 
 be absent. Looking round at the vacant desks and ink-stained 
 furniture, Artemus was silent for a , minute or two, and then 
 burst into one of those peculiar chuckling fits of laughter in 
 which he would occasionally indulge ; not a loud laugh, but a 
 shaking of the whole body with an impulse of merriment which 
 set every muscle in motion. " Here," said he, " here 's where 
 they called me a fool." The remembrance of their so calling 
 him seemed to afford him intense amusement. 
 
 From the office of the Cleveland Plain Dealer we continued 
 our tour of the town. Presently we found ourselves in front 
 of Perry's statue, the monument erected to commemorate the 
 naval engagement on Lake Erie, wherein the Americans came 
 off victorious. Artemus looked up to the statue, laid his 
 finger to the side of his nose, and, in his quaint manner, re- 
 marked, " I wonder whether they called him ' a fool ' too, 
 when he went to fight ? " 
 
 Y 
 
338 PREFATORY NOTE 
 
 The remark, following close as it did upon his laughing fit 
 in the newspaper dffice, caused me to inquire why he had heen 
 called " a fool," and who had called him so. 
 
 " It was the opinion of my friends on the paper," he replied. 
 " I told them that I was going in for lecturing. They laughed 
 at me, and called me ' a fool.' Don't you think they were 
 right 1 " 
 
 Then we sauntered up Euclid Street, under the shade of its 
 avenue of trees. As we went along, Artemus Ward recounted 
 to me the story of his becoming a lecturer. Our conversa- 
 tion on that agreeable evening is fresh in my remembrance. 
 Memory still listens to the voice of my companion in the stroll, 
 still sees the green trees of Euclid Street casting their shadows 
 across our path, and still joins in the laugh with Artemus, who, 
 having just returned from California, where he had taken six- 
 teen hundred dollars at one lecture, did not think that to be 
 evidence of his having lost his senses. 
 
 The substance of that which Artemus Ward then told me 
 was, that while writing for the Cleveland Plain Dealer he was 
 accustomed, in' the discharge of his duties as a reporter, to 
 attend the performances of the various minstrel troups and 
 circuses which visited the neighbourhood. At one of these he 
 would hear some story of his own, written a month or two 
 previously, given by the " middle-man " of the minstrels and 
 received with hilarity by the audience. At another place he 
 would be entertained by listening to jokes of his own inven-r 
 tion, coarsely retailed by the clown of the ring, and shouted at ■ 
 by the public as capital waggery on the part of the performer. 
 His own good things from the lips of another " came back to 
 him with alienated majesty," as Emerson expresses it. Then the 
 thought would steal over him — Why should that man gain a 
 living with my witticisms, and I not use them in the same way 
 myself? why not be the utterer of my own coinage, the quoter 
 of my own jests, the mouthpiece of my own merry conceits t 
 Certainly, it was not a very exalted ambition to aim at the 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 339 
 
 glories of a circus clown or the triumphs of a minstrel with a 
 blackened face. But, in the United States a somewhat differ- 
 ent view is taken of that which is fitting and seemly for a man 
 to do, compared with the estimate we form in this country. 
 In a land where the theory of caste is not admitted, the rela- 
 tive respectability of the various professions is not quite the 
 same as it is with us. There the profession does not disqualify 
 if the man himself be right, nor the claim to the title of gentle- 
 man depend upon the avocation followed. I know of one or 
 two clowns in the ring who are educated physicians, and not 
 thought to be any the less gentlemen because they propound 
 conundrums and perpetrate jests instead of prescribing pills 
 and potions. 
 
 Artemus Ward was always very self-reliant ; when once he 
 believed himself to be in the right it was almost impossible to 
 persuade him to the contrary. But, at the same time, he was 
 cautious in the extreme, and would well consider Ms position 
 before deciding that which was right or wrong for him to do. 
 The idea of becoming a public man having taken possession of 
 his mind, the next point to decide was in what form he should 
 appear before the public. That of a humorous lecturer seemed 
 to him to be the best. It was unoccupied ground. America 
 had produced entertainers who by means of facial changes or 
 eccentricities of costume had contrived to amuse their audi- 
 ences, but there was no one who ventured to joke for an hour 
 before a house full of people with no aid from scenery or dress. 
 The experiment was one which Artemus resolved to try. 
 Accordingly, he set himself to work to collect all his best 
 quips and cranks, to invent what new drolleries he could, and 
 to remember all the good things that he had heard or met 
 with. These he noted down and strung together almost with- 
 out relevancy or connexion. The manuscript chanced to fall 
 into the hands of the people at the office of the newspaper on 
 which he was then employed, and the question was put to him 
 of what use he was going to -make of the strange jumble of 
 
340 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 jest which he had thus compiled. His answer was that he 
 was about to turn lecturer, and that before them were the 
 materials of his lecture. It was then that his friends laughed 
 at him, and characterised him as " a fool." 
 
 " They had some right to think so," said Artemus to me as 
 we rambled up Euclid Street. " I half thought that I was one 
 myself. I don't look like a lecturer — do 1 1 " 
 
 He was always fond, poor fellow, of joking on the subject of 
 his personal appearance. His spare figure and tall stature, 
 his prominent nose and his light-coloured hair, were each made 
 the subject of a joke at one time or another in the course of 
 his lecturing career. If he laughed largely at the foibles of 
 others, he was equally disposed to laugh at any shortcomings 
 he could detect in himself. If anything at all in his outward 
 form was to him a source of vanity, it was the delicate forma- 
 tion of his hands. White, soft, long, slender, and really hand- 
 some, they were more like the hands of a high-born lady than 
 those of a Western editor. He attended to them with careful 
 pride, and never alluded to them as a subject for his jokes, 
 until, in his last illness, they had become unnaturally fair, 
 translucent, and attenuated. Then it was that a friend call- 
 ing upon him at his apartments in Piccadilly, endeavoured to 
 cheer him at a time of great mental depression, and pleasantly 
 reminded him of a ride they had long ago projected through 
 the South-Western States of the Union. " We must do that 
 ride yet, Artemus. Short stages at first, and longer ones as 
 we go on." Poor Artemus lifted up his pale, slender hands, 
 and letting the light shine through them, said jocosely, " Do 
 you think these would do to hold a rein with 1 Why, the 
 horse would laugh at them." 
 
 Having collected a sufficient number of quaint thoughts, 
 whimsical fancies, bizarre notions, and ludicrous anecdotes, 
 the difficulty which then, according to his own confession, 
 occurred to Artemus Ward was, what should be the title of 
 his lecture. The subject was no difficulty at all, for the simple 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 341 
 
 reason that there was not to be any. The idea of instructing 
 or informing his audience never once entered into his plans. 
 His intention was "merely to amuse ; if possible, keep the house 
 in continuous laughter for an hour and a half, or rather an 
 hour and twenty minutes, for that was the precise time, in 
 his belief, which people could sit to listen and to laugh 
 without becoming bored ; and, if possible, send his audience 
 home well pleased with the lecturer and with themselves, 
 without their having any clear idea of that which they had 
 been listening to, and not one jot the wiser than when they 
 cama No one better understood than Artemus the wants of 
 a miscellaneous audience who paid their dollar or half-dollar 
 each to be amused. No one could guage better than he the 
 capacity of the crowd to feed on pure fun, and no one could 
 discriminate more clearly than he the fitness, temper, and 
 mental appetite of the constituents of his evening assemblies. 
 The prosiness of an ordinary Mechanics' Institute lecture was 
 to him simply abhorrent ; the learned platitudes of a professed 
 lecturer were to him, to use one of his own phrases, " worse 
 than poison." To make people laugh was to be his primary, 
 endeavour. If in so making them laugh he could also cause 
 them to see through a sham, be ashamed of some silly national 
 prejudice, or suspicious of the value of some current pieee of 
 political bunkum, so much the better. He believed in 
 laughter as thoroughly wholesome ; he had the firmest convic- 
 tion that fun is healthy, and sportiveness the truest sign of 
 sanity. Like Talleyrand, he was of opinion that " Qui vit sans 
 folie ri est pas si sage qu'M croit." 
 
 Artemus "Ward's first lecture was entitled " The Babes in 
 the Wood." I asked him why he chose that title, because 
 there was nothing whatever in the lecture relevant to the sub- 
 ject of the child-book legend. He replied, " It seemed to 
 sound the best. I once thought of calling the lecture ' My 
 Seven Grandmothers.' Don't you think that would have been 
 good 1 " It would at any rate have been just as pertinent. 
 
342 PREFA TOR Y NOTE 
 
 Incongruity as an element of fun was always an idea upper- 
 most in the mind of the Western humorist. I am not aware 
 that the notes of any of his lectures, except those of his Mormon 
 experience, have been preserved, and I have some doubts if 
 any one of his lectures, except the Mormon one, was ever fairly 
 written out. " The Babes in the Wood," as a lecture, was a 
 pure and unmitigated," sell." It was merely joke after joke, 
 and drollery succeeding to drollery, without any connecting 
 thread whatever. It was an exhibition of fireworks, owing 
 half its brilliancy and more than half its effect to the skill of 
 the man who grouped the fireworks together and let them off. 
 In the hands of any other pyrotechnist the squibs would have 
 failed to light, the rockets would have refused to ascend, and 
 the " nine-bangers " would have exploded but once or twice 
 only, instead of nine times. The artist of the display being 
 no more, and the fireworks themselves having gone out, it is 
 perhaps not to be regretted that the cases of the squibs and 
 the tubes of the rockets have not been carefully kept. Most 
 of the good things introduced by Artemus Ward in his first 
 lecture were afterwards incorporated by him in subsequent 
 -writings, or used over again in his later entertainment. 
 Many of them had reference to the events of the day, the 
 circumstances of the American War and the politics of the 
 Great Rebellion. These, of course, have lost their interest 
 with the passing away of the times which gave them birth. 
 The points of many of the jokes have corroded, and the 
 barbed head of many an arrow of Artemus's wit has rusted 
 into bluntness with the decay of the bow from which it was 
 propelled. 
 
 If I remember rightly, the "Babes in the Wood" were 
 never mentioned more than twice in the whole lecture. First, 
 when the lecturer told his audience that the "Babes" were to 
 constitute the subject of his discourse, and then digressed im- 
 mediately to matters quite foreign to the story. Then again 
 at the conclusion of the hour and twenty minutes of drollery, 
 
BY E. P. HrNGSTON. 343 
 
 ■when he finished up in this way : " I now come to my sub- 
 ject — ' The Babes in the Wood.' " Here he would take out his 
 watch, look at it with affected surprise, put on an appearance 
 of being greatly perplexed, and amidst roars of laughter from 
 the people, very gravely continue, " But I find that I have 
 exceeded my time, and will therefore merely remark that, so 
 far as I know, they were very good babes — they were as good 
 as ordinary babes. I really have not time to go into their 
 history. You will find it all in the story-books. They died 
 in the woods, listening to the woodpecker tapping the hollow 
 beech-tree. It was a sad fate for them, and I pity them. So, 
 I hope, do you. Good night ! " 
 
 Artemus gave his first lecture at Norwich in Connecticut, 
 and travelled over a considerable portion of the Eastern States 
 before he ventured to give a sample of his droll oratory in the 
 Western cities, wherein he had earned reputation as a journa- 
 list. Gradually his popularity became very great, and in place 
 of letting himself out at so much per night to literary societies 
 and athenaeums, he constituted himself his own showman, en- 
 gaging that indispensable adjunct to all showmen in the United 
 States, an agent to go ahead, engage halls, arrange for the sale 
 of tickets, and engineer the success of the show. Newspapers 
 had carried his name to every village of the Union, and his 
 writings had been largely quoted in every journal. It re- 
 quired, therefore, comparatively little advertising to announce 
 his visit to any place in which he had to lecture. But it was 
 necessary that he should have a bill or poster of some kind. 
 The one he adopted was simple, quaint, striking, and well 
 adapted to the purpose. It was merely one large sheet, with a 
 black ground, and the letters cut out in the block, so as to 
 print white. The reading was " Artemus Ward will Speak a 
 Piece." To the American mind this was intensely funny from 
 its childish absurdity. It is customary in the States for chil- 
 dren to speak or recite " a piece " at school at the annual 
 examination, and the phrase is used just- in the same sense as 
 
344 , PREFATORY NOTE 
 
 in England we say " a Christmas piece." The professed sub- 
 ject of the lecture being that of a story familiar to children, , 
 harmonised well with the droll placard which announced its 
 delivery. The place and time were notified on a slip pasted 
 beneath. To emerge from the dull depths of lyceum com- 
 mittees and launch out as a showman-lecturer on his own 
 responsibility, was something both novel and bold for Artemus 
 to do. In the majority of instances he or his agent met with 
 speculators who were ready to engage him for so many 
 lectures, and secure to the leeturer a certain fixed sum. But 
 in his later transactions Artemus would have nothing to do 
 with them, much preferring to undertake all the risk himself. 
 The last speculator to whom he sold himself for a tour was, I 
 believe, Mr Wilder, of New York City, who realised a large 
 profit by investing in lecturing stock, and who was always 
 ready to engage a circus, a wild-beast show, or a lecturing 
 celebrity. 
 
 As a rule Artemus Ward succeeded in pleasing every one in 
 his audience, especially those who understood the character 
 of the man and the drift of his lecture ; but there were not 
 wanting at any of his lectures a few obtuse-minded, slowly- 
 perceptive, drowsy-headed dullards, who had not the remotest 
 idea what the entertainer was talking about, nor why those 
 around him indulged in laughter. Artemus was quick to 
 detect these little spots upon the sunny face of his auditory. 
 He would pick them out, address himself at times to them 
 especially, and enjoy the bewilderment of his Boeotian patrons. 
 Sometimes a stolid inhabitant of central New York, evidently 
 of Dutch extraction, would regard him with an open stare ex- 
 pressive of a desire to enjoy that which was said if the point of 
 the joke could by any possibility be indicated to him. At other 
 times a demure Pennsylvania Quaker would benignly survey 
 the poor lecturer with a look of benevolent pity ; and on one 
 occasion, when my friend was lecturing at Peoria, an elderly 
 lady, accompanied by her two daughters, left the room in the 
 
BY E. P. KINGSTON. 345 
 
 midst of the lecture, exclaiming, as she passed me at the door, 
 " It is too bad of people to laugh at a poor young man who 
 doesn't know what he is saying, and ought to be sent to a 
 lunatic asylum ! " 
 
 The newspaper reporters were invariably puzzled in attempt- 
 ing to give any correct idea of a lecture by Artemus Ward. 
 No report could fairly convey an idea of the entertainment ; 
 and being fully aware of this, Artemus would instruct his 
 agent to beg of the papers not to attempt giving any abstract 
 of that which he said. The following is the way in which the 
 reporter of the Golden Era, at San Francisco, California, endea- 
 voured to inform the San Franciscan public of the character 
 of " The Babes in the Wood " lecture. It is, as the reader will 
 perceive, a burlesque on the way in which Artemus himself 
 dealt with the topic he had chosen ; while it also notes 
 one or two of the salient features of my friend's style of lec- 
 turing : — 
 
 " HOW ARTEMUS WARD ' SPOKE A PIECE.' " 
 
 " Artemus has arrived. Artemus has spoken. Artemus has triumphed. 
 Great is Artemus ! 
 
 " Great also is Piatt's Hall. But Artemus is greater; for the hall 
 proved too small for his audience, and too circumscribed for the immen- 
 sity of his jokes. A man who has drank twenty bottles of wine may be 
 called ' full.' A pint bottle with a quart of water in it would also be ac- 
 counted full ; and so would an hotel be, every bed in it let three times 
 over on the same night to three different occupants ; but none of these 
 would be so full as Piatt's Hall was on Friday night to hear Artemus 
 Ward ' speak a piece.' 
 
 " The piece selected was ' The Babes in the Wood/ which reminds us 
 that Mr Ward is a tall, Blender-built, fair-complexioned, jovial-looking 
 gentleman of about twenty-seven years of age. He has a pleasant manner, 
 an agreeable style, and a clear, distinct, and powerful voice. 
 
 " 'The Babes in the Wood' is a 'comic oration,' with a most compre- 
 hensive grasp of subject. As spoken by its witty author, it elicited gusts 
 of laughter and whirlwinds of applause. Mr Ward is no prosy lyceum 
 lecturer. His style is neither scientific, didactic, or philosophical. It is 
 simply that of a man who is brimful of mirth, wit, and satire, and who is 
 compelled to let it flow forth. Maintaining a very grave countenance him- 
 
34 6 PREFA TOR V NOTE 
 
 self, he plays upon the muscles of other people's faces as though they were 
 piano-strings, and he the prince of pianists. 
 
 " The story of ' The Babes in the Wood' is interesting in the extreme. 
 We -would say, en passant, however, that Artemus Ward is a perfect steam 
 factory of puns and a museum of American humour. Humanity seems 
 to him to be a vast mine, out of which he digs tons of fun ; and life a huge 
 forest, in which he can cut down ' cords' of comicality. Language with 
 him is like the brass balls with which the juggler amuses us at the circus 
 —ever being tossed up, ever glittering, ever thrown about at pleasure. 
 We intended to report his lecture in full, but we laughed till we split our 
 lead pencil, and our shorthand symbols were too infused with merriment 
 to remain steady on the paper. However, let us proceed to give an idea 
 of 'The Babes in the Wood.' In the first place, it is a comic oration; 
 that is, it is spoken, is exuberant in fun, felicitous in fancy, teeming with 
 jokes, and sparkling as bright waters on a sunny day. The ' Babes in the 
 Wood' is — that is, it isn't a lecture or an oratorical effort; it is something 
 sui generis; something reserved for our day and generation, which it would 
 never have done for our forefathers to have known, or they would have 
 been too mirthful to have attended to the business of preparing the world 
 for our coming ; and something which will provoke so much laughter in 
 our time, that the echo of the laughs will reverberate along the halls of 
 futurity, and seriously affect the nerves of future generations. 
 
 " The ' Babes in the Wood,' to describe it, is — Well, those who listened to 
 it know best. At any rate, they will acknowledge with us that it was a great 
 success, and that Artemus Ward has a fortune before him in California. 
 
 " And now to tell the story of ' The Babes in the Wood' — But we will 
 not, for the hall was not half large enough to accommodate those who 
 came, consequently Mr Ward will tell it over again at the Metropolitan 
 Theatre next Tuesday evening. The subject will again be ' The Babes in 
 the Wood.'" 
 
 Having travelled over the Union with " The Babes in the 
 Wood" lecture, and left his audiences everywhere fully "in 
 the wood" as regarded the subject announced in the title, 
 Artemus Ward became desirous of going over the same ground 
 again. There were not wanting dreary and timid prophets 
 who told him that having " sold " his audiences once, he would 
 not succeed in gaining large houses a second time. But the 
 faith of Artemus in the unsuspecting nature of the public was 
 very large, so with fearless intrepidity he conceived the happy 
 thought of inventing a new title, but keeping to the same old 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 347 
 
 lecture, interspersing it here and there with a few fresh jokes, 
 incidental to new topics of the times. Just at this period 
 General McClellan was advancing on Richmond, and the cele- 
 brated fight at Bull's Eun had become matter of history. The 
 forcible abolition of slavery had obtained a place among the 
 debates of the day, Hinton Eowan Helper's book on " The 
 Inevitable Crisis " had been sold at every bookstall, and the 
 future of the negro had risen into the position of being the 
 great point of discussion throughout the land. Artemus re- 
 quired a very slender thread to string his jokes upon, and what 
 better one could be found than that which he chose? He 
 advertised the title of his next lecture as " Sixty Minutes in 
 Africa." I need scarcely say that he had never been in 
 Africa, and in all probability had never read a book on African 
 travel. He knew nothing about it, and that was the very 
 reason he should choose Africa for his subject. I believe that 
 he carried out the joke so far as to have a map made of the 
 African continent, and that on a few occasions, but not on all, 
 he had it suspended in the lecture-room. It was in Philadel- 
 phia and at the Musical Fund Hall in Locust Street that I 
 first heard him deliver what he jocularly phrased to me as 
 " My African Revelation." The hall was very thronged, the 
 audience must have exceeded two thousand in number, and 
 the evening was unusually warm. Artemus came on the ros- 
 trum with a roll of paper in his hands, and used it to play 
 with throughout the lecture, just as recently at the Egyptian 
 Hall, while lecturing on the Mormons, he invariably made use 
 of a lady's riding-whip for the same purpose. He commenced 
 his lecture thus, speaking very gravely and with long pauses 
 between his sentences, allowing his audience to laugh if -they 
 pleased, but seeming to utterly disregard their laughter : — 
 
 " I have invited you to listen to a discourse upon Africa. 
 Africa is my subject. It is a very large subject. It has the 
 Atlantic Ocean on its left side, the Indian Ocean on its right, 
 and more water than you could measure out at its smaller end. 
 
348 PRE FA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 Africa produces blacks— ivory blacks — they get ivory. It also 
 produces deserts, and that ,is the reason it is so much deserted 
 by travellers. Africa is famed for its roses. It has the red 
 rose, the white rose, and the neg-rose. Apropos of negroes, 
 let me tell you a little story." 
 
 Then he at once diverged from the subject of Africa to re- 
 tail to his audience his amusing story of the Conversion of a 
 Negro, which he subsequently worked up into an article in the 
 Savage Club Papers, and entitled "Converting the Nigger." 
 Never once again in the course of the lecture did he refer to 
 Africa, until the time having arrived for him to conclude, and 
 the people being fairly worn out with laughter, he finished up 
 by saying, " Africa, ladies and gentlemen, is my subject. 
 You wish me to tell you something about Africa. Africa, is 
 on the map — it is on all the maps of Africa that I have ever 
 seen. You may buy a good map for a dollar, and if you study 
 it well, you will know more about Africa than I do. It is a 
 comprehensive subject, too vast, I assure you, for me to enter 
 upon to-night. You would not wish me too, I feel that — I 
 feel it deeply, and I am very sensitive. If you go home and 
 go to bed it will be better for you than to go with me to 
 Africa."- 
 
 The joke about the " neg-rose " has since run the gauntlet 
 of nearly all the minstrel bands throughout England and 
 America. All the "bones," every "middle-man," and all 
 "end-men" of the burnt-cork profession have used Artemus 
 Ward as a mine wherein to dig for the ore which provokes 
 laughter. He has been the " cause of wit in others," and 
 the bread-winner for many dozens of black-face songsters — 
 " singists " as he used to term them. He was just as fond of 
 visiting their entertainments as they were of appropriating 
 his jokes ; and among his best friends in New York were the 
 brothers Messrs Neil and Dan Bryant, who have made a for- 
 tune by what has been facetiously termed — " the burnt-cork- 
 opera." 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 349 
 
 It was in his " Sixty Minutes in Africa " lecture that Arte- 
 mus Ward first introduced his celebrated satire on the negro, 
 which he suhsequently put into print. " The African," said 
 he, " may be our brother. Several highly respectable gentle- 
 men and some talented females tell me that he is, and for 
 argument's sake I might be induced to grant it, though I don't 
 believe it myself. But the African isn't our sister, and wife, 
 and uncle. He isn't several of our brothers and first wife's 
 relations. He isn't our grandfather and great grandfather, and 
 our aunt in the country. Scarcely." 
 
 It may easily be imagined how popular this joke became 
 when it is remembered that it was first perpetrated at a time 
 when the negro question was so much debated as to have 
 become an absolute nuisance. Nothing else was talked of; 
 nobody would talk of anything but the negro. The saying 
 arose that all Americans had " nigger-on-the-brain." The topic 
 had become nauseous, especially to the Democratic party ; and 
 Artemus always had more friends among them than among 
 the Republicans. If he had any politics at all he was certainly 
 a Democrat. 
 
 War had arisen, the South was closed, and the lecturing 
 arena considerably lessened. Artemus Ward determined to 
 go to California. Before starting for that side of the American 
 continent, he wished to appear in the city of New York. He 
 engaged, through his friend Mr De Walden, the large hall 
 then known as Niblo's, in front of the Niblo's Garden Theatre, 
 and now used, I believe, as the dining-room of the Metropo- 
 litan Hotel. At that period Pepper's Ghost chanced to be the 
 great novelty of New York City, and Artemus Ward was 
 casting about for a novel title to his old lecture. Whether he 
 or Mr De Walden selected that of " Artemus Ward's Struggle 
 with a Ghost" I do not know ; but I think that it was Mr De 
 Walden's choice. The title was seasonable, and the lecture 
 successful. Then came the tour to California, whither I pro- 
 ceeded in advance to warn the miners on the Yuba, the 
 
350 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 travellers on the Eio Sacramento, and the citizens of the 
 Chrysopolis of the Pacific that "A. Ward" -would be there 
 shortly. In California the lecture was advertised under its 
 old name of " The Babes in the Wood." Piatt's Hall was 
 selected for the scene of operation, and, so popular was the 
 lecturer, that on the first night we took at the doors more than 
 sixteen hundred dollars in gold. The crowd proved too great 
 to take money in the ordinary manner, and hats were used for 
 people to throw their dollars in. One hat broke through at 
 the crown. I doubt if we ever knew to a dollar how many 
 dollars it once contained. 
 
 California was duly travelled over, and " The Babes in the 
 Wood" listened to with laughter in its flourishing cities, its 
 mining-camps among the mountains, and its "new placers" 
 beside gold-bedded rivers. While journeying through that 
 strangely-beautiful land, the serious question arose — What 
 was to be done next ? After California — where ? 
 
 Before leaving New York, it had been a favourite scheme of 
 Artemus Ward not to return from California to the East by 
 way of Panama, but to come home across the Plains, and to 
 visit Salt Lake City by the way. The difficulty that now 
 presented itself was, that winter was close upon us, and that 
 it was no pleasant thing to cross the Sierra Nevada and scale 
 the Eocky Mountains with the thermometer far below freezing- 
 point. Nor was poor Artemus even at that time a strong 
 man. My advice was to return to Panama, visit the West 
 India Islands, and come back to California in the spring, 
 lecture again in San Francisco, and then go on to the land of 
 the Mormons. Artemus doubted the feasibility of this plan, 
 and the decision was ultimately arrived at to try the journey 
 to Salt Lake. Unfortunately the winter turned out to be one 
 of the severest. When we arrived at Salt Lake City, my poor 
 friend was seized with typhoid fever, resulting from the fatigue 
 we had undergone, the intense cold to which we had been 
 subjected, and the excitement of being on a journey of 3500 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 351 
 
 miles across the North American Continent, when the Pacific 
 Railway had made little progress and the Indians were reported 
 not, to be very friendly. 
 
 The story of the trip is told in Artemus Ward's lecture. I 
 have added to it, at the special request of the publisher, a few 
 explanatory notes, the purport of which is to render the reader 
 acquainted with the characteristics of the lecturer's delivery. 
 For the benefit of those who never had an opportunity of see- 
 ing Artemus Ward nor of hearing him lecture, I may be par- 
 doned for. attempting to describe the man himself. 
 
 In stature he was tall, in figure, slender. At any time 
 during our acquaintance his height must have been dispropor- 
 tionate to his weight. Like his brother Cyrus, who died a few 
 years before him, Charles F. Browne, our "Artemus Ward," 
 had the premonitory signs of a short life strongly •evident in 
 his early manhood. There were the lank form, the long pale 
 fingers, the very white pearly teeth, the thin, fine ? soft hair, 
 the undue brightness of the eyes, the excitable and even 
 irritable disposition, the capricious appetite, and the alter- 
 nately jubilant and despondent tone of mind which too fre- 
 quently indicate that " the abhorred fury with the shears " is 
 waiting too near at hand to " slit the thin-spun life.'' His 
 hair was very light-coloured, and not naturally curly. He used 
 to joke in his lecture about what it cost him to keep it curled ; 
 he wore a very.large moustache without any beard or whiskers ; 
 his nose was exceedingly prominent, having an outline not un- 
 like that of the late Sir Charles Napier. His forehead was 
 large, with, to use the language ' of the phrenologists, the 
 organs of the perceptive faculties far more developed than 
 those of the imaginative powers. He had the manner and 
 bearing of a naturally-born gentleman. Great was the dis- 
 appointment of many who, having read his humorous papers 
 descriptive of his exhibition of snakes and waxwork, and who 
 having also formed their ideas of him from the absurd pictures 
 which had been attached to some editions of his works, found 
 
352 PRE FA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 on meeting with him that there was no trace of the showman 
 in his deportment, and little to call up to their mind the 
 smart Yankee who had married "Betsy Jane." There was 
 nothing to indicate that he had not lived a long time in 
 Europe and acquired the polish which men gain by coming in 
 contact with the society of European capitals. In his conver- 
 sation there was no marked peculiarity of accent to identify 
 him as. an American, nor any of the braggadocio which some 
 of his countrymen unadvisedly assume. His voice was soft, 
 gentle, and clear. He could make himself audible in the 
 largest lecture-rooms without effort. His style of lecturing 
 was peculiar ; so thoroughly sui generis, that I know of no one 
 with whom to compare him, nor can any description very well 
 convey an idea of that which it was like. However much he 
 caused his audience to laugh, no smile appeared upon 
 his own face. It was grave even to solemnity, while he 
 was giving utterance to the most delicious absurdities. 
 His assumption of indifference to that which he was 
 saying, his happy manner of letting his best jokes fall 
 from his lips as if unconscious of their being jokes at all, his 
 thorough self-possession on the platform, and keen appreciation 
 of that which suited his audience and that which did not, 
 rendered him well qualified for the task which he had under- 
 taken — that of amusing the public with a humorous lecture. 
 He understood and comprehended to a hair's breadth the 
 grand secret of how not to bore. He had weighed, measured, 
 and calculated to a nicety the number of laughs an audience 
 could indulge in on one evening, without feeling that they were 
 laughing just a little too much. Above all, he was no com- 
 mon man, and did not cause his audience to feel that they 
 were laughing at that which they should feel ashamed of being, 
 amused with. He was intellectually up to the level of nine- 
 tenths of those who listened to him, and in listening, they felt 
 that it was no fool who wore the cap and bells so excellently. 
 It was amusing to notice how with different people his jokes 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 353 
 
 produced a different effect. The Honourable Eobert Lowe 
 attended one evening at the Mormon Lecture, and laughed as 
 hilariously as any one in the room. The next evenings Mr 
 John Bright happened to be present. With the exception of 
 one or two occasional smiles, he listened with grave attention. 
 In placing the lecture before the public, in print, it is im- 
 possible, by having recourse to any system of punctuation, to 
 indicate the pauses, jerky emphases, and odd inflexions of 
 voice which characterised the delivery. The reporter of the 
 Standard newspaper, describing his first lecture in London, 
 aptly said : — " Artemus dropped his jokes faster than the 
 meteors of last night succeeded each other in the sky. 
 And there was this resemblance between the flashes of his 
 humour and the flights of the meteors, that in each case one 
 looked for jokes or meteors, but they always came just in the 
 place that one least expected to find them. Half the enjoy- 
 ment of the evening lay, to some of those present, in listening 
 to the hearty cachinnation of the people who only found out 
 the jokes some two or three minutes after they were made, 
 and who then laughed apparently at some grave statements of 
 fact. Reduced to paper, the showman's jokes are certainly 
 not brilliant ; almost their whole effect lies in their seemingly 
 impromptu character. They are carefully led up to, of course; 
 but they are uttered as if they are mere afterthoughts, of which 
 the speaker is hardly sure." Herein the writer in the Standard 
 hits the most marked peculiarity of Artemus Ward's style of 
 lecturing. His affectation of not knowing what he was utter- 
 ing, his seeming fits of abstraction, and his grave, melancholy 
 aspect, constituted the very cream of the entertainment. 
 Occasionally he would amuse himself in an apparently medi- 
 tative mood, by twirling his little riding-whip, or by gazing 
 earnestly, but with affected admiration, at his panorama. At 
 the Egyptian Hall his health entirely failed him, and he would 
 occasionally have to use a seat during the course of the lec- 
 ture. In the notes which follow I have tried, I know how 
 
 z 
 
354 PREFA TOR Y NO TE 
 
 inefficiently, to convey here and there an idea of how Artemus 
 rendered his lecture amusing .by gesture or action. I have 
 also, at the request of the publisher, made a few explanatory 
 comments on the subject of our Mormon trip. In so doing I 
 hope that I have not thrust myself too prominently forward, 
 nor been too officious in my explanations. My aim has been 
 to add to the interest of the lecture with those who never 
 heard it delivered, and to revive in the memory of those who 
 did some of its notable peculiarities. The illustrations are 
 from photographs of the panorama painted in America for 
 Artemus, as the pictorial portion of his entertainment. 
 
 In the lecture is the fun of the journey. For the hard facts 
 the reader in quest of information is referred to a book pub- 
 lished previously to the lecturer's appearance at the Egyptian 
 . Hall, the title of which is, " Artemus Ward : His Travels 
 among the Mormons." Much against the grain as it was for 
 Artemus to be statistical, he has therein detailed some of the 
 experiences of his Mormon trip, with due regard to the exacti- 
 tude and accuracy of statement expected by information- 
 seeking readers in a book of travels. He was not precisely 
 the sort of traveller to write a paper for the evening meetings 
 of the Royal Geographical Society, nor was he sufficiently 
 interested in philosophical theories to speculate on the develop- 
 ments of Mormonism as illustrative of the history of religious 
 belief. We were looking out of the window of the Salt Lake 
 House one morning, when Brigham Young happened to pass 
 down the opposite side of Main Street. It was cold weather, 
 and the prophet was clothed in a thick cloak of some green- 
 coloured material. I remarked to Artemus that Brigham had 
 seemingly compounded Mormonism from portions of a dozen 
 different creeds ; and that in selecting green for the colour of 
 his apparel, he was imitating Mahomet. " Has it not struck 
 you," I observed, " that Swedenborgianism and Mahometan- 
 ism are oddly blended in the Mormon faith 1 " 
 
 " Petticoatism and plunder," was Artemus's reply; and that 
 
BY E. P. HINGSTON. 355 
 
 comprehended his whole philosophy of Mormonism. As he 
 remarked elsewhere : " Brigham Young is a man of great 
 natural ability. If you ask me, How pious is he 1 I treat it 
 as a conundrum, and give it up." 
 
 To lecture in London, and at the Egyptian Hall, had long 
 been a favourite idea of Artemus Ward. Some humorist has 
 
 said, that " All good Americans, when they die , go to 
 
 Paris." So do most, whether good or bad, while they are 
 living. 
 
 Still more strongly developed is the transatlantic desire to 
 go to Rome. In the far west of the Missouri, in the remoter 
 west of Colorado, and away in far north-western Oregon, I 
 have heard many a tradesman express his intention to make 
 dollars enough to enable him to visit Rome. In a land where 
 all is so new, where they have had no past, where an old wall 
 would be a sensation, and a tombstone of anybody's great 
 grandfather the marvel of the whole region, the charms of the 
 old world have an irresistible fascination. To visit the home 
 of the Caesars they have read of in their school-books, and to 
 look at architecture which they have seen pictorially, but have 
 nothing like it in existence around them, is very naturally the 
 strong wish of people who are nationally nomadic, and who 
 have all more or less a smattering of education. Artemus 
 Ward never expressed to me any very great wish to travel on 
 the European continent, but to see London was to accomplish 
 something which he had dreamed of from his boyhood. There 
 runs from Marysville in California to Oroville in the same 
 State a short and singular little railway, which, when we were 
 there, was in a most unfinished condition. To Oroville we 
 were going. We were too early for the train at the Marys- 
 ville station, and sat down on a pile of timber to chat over 
 future prospects. 
 
 " What sort of a man was Albert Smith ? " asked Artemus. 
 " And do you think that the Mormons would be as good a 
 subject for the Londoners as Mont Blanc was 1 " 
 
356 PREFATORY NOTE BY E. P. HINGSTON. 
 
 I answered his questions. He reflected for a few moments, 
 and then said — 
 
 " Well, old fellow, I '11 tell you what I should like to do. 
 I should like to go to London and give my lecture in the same 
 place. Can it be done % " 
 
 It was done. Not in the same room, but under the same 
 Toof and on the same floor • in that gloomy-looking Hall in 
 Piccadilly, which was destined to be the ante-chamber to the 
 tomb of both lecturers. 
 
 Throughout this brief sketch I have written familiarly of 
 the late Mr Charles F. Browne as " Artemus Ward," or simply 
 as " Artemus." I have done so advisedly, mainly because, 
 during the whole course of our acquaintance, I do not remem- 
 ber addressing him as " Mr Browne," or by his real Christian 
 name. To me he was always " Artemus " — Artemus the kind, 
 the gentle, the suave, the generous. One who was ever a 
 friend in the fullest meaning of the word, and the best of 
 companions in the amplest acceptance of the phrase. His 
 merry laugh and pleasant conversation are as audible to me as 
 if they were heard but yesterday ; his words of kindness linger 
 on the ear of memory, and his tones of genial mirth live in 
 echoes which I shall listen to for evermore. Two years will 
 soon have passed away since last he spoke, and 
 
 " Silence now, enamour'd of his voice 
 Locks its mute music in her rugged cell." 
 
 E. P. HlNGSTON. 
 London, October 1868, 
 
THE LECTURE.* 
 
 BY ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
 You are entirely welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to my little 
 picture-shop, f 
 
 I couldn't give you a very clear idea of the Mormons — and 
 Utah — and the Plains — and the Rocky Mountains — without 
 opening a picture-shop and therefore I open one. 
 
 I don't expect to do great things here — but I have thought 
 
 * Artemus Ward's first lecture in Loudon was delivered at the Egyptian 
 Hall, Piccadilly, on Tuesday, November 13, 1866. The room used was 
 that which had been recently occupied by Mr Arthur Sketchley, It is the 
 lesser of the two rooms at the top of the staircase ; not the one in which 
 Mr Albert Smith formerly made his appearances. The attendance was 
 very large, but the audience for the most part consisted of invited friends 
 and the members of the press. The paying public having to wait for 
 another opportunity ,,though they struggled in large numbers to obtain 
 admission. Copies of Artemus Ward's very original programmes are given 
 in the Appendix, together with the notice of the lecture which appeared 
 in the Times two days after its delivery. The notice was written by Mr 
 John Oxenford. 
 
 + "My little picture-shop." — I have already stated that the room used 
 was the lesser of the two on the first floor of the Egyptian Hall. The 
 panorama was to the left on entering, and Artemus Ward stood at the 
 south-east corner, facing the door. He had beside him a music-stand, on 
 which for the first few days he availed himself of the assistance afforded 
 by a sheet of foolscap, on which all his " cues " were written out in a large 
 hand. The proscenium was covered with dark cloth, and the picture 
 bounded by a great gilt frame. On the rostrum behind the lecturer was 
 a. little door giving admission to the space behind the picture where the 
 piano was placed. Through this door Artemus would disappear occasion- 
 ally in the course of the evening, either to instruct his pianist to play a 
 
358 ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 
 
 that if I could make money enough to buy me a passage to ^ 
 
 New Zealand * I should Jeel that I had not lived in vain. 
 
 I don't want to live in vain. I'd rather 
 
 live in Margate— or here. But I wish when the 
 Egyptians built this hall they had given it a little more ven- 
 tilation, t 
 
 If you should be dissatisfied with anything here to-night— I 
 will admit you all free in New Zealand — if you will come to 
 me there for the orders. Any respectable cannibal 
 will tell youwhere I live. This shows that I have 
 a forgiving spirit. 
 
 I really don't care for money. I only travel round to see 
 the world and to exhibit my clothes. These clothes I 
 have on were a great success in America. J 
 
 few more bars of music, to tell his assistants to roll the picture more 
 quickly or more slowly, or to give some instructions to the man who 
 worked " the moon." The little lecture-room was thronged nightly during 
 the very few weeks, of its being open. 
 
 * " To New Zealand." — Artemus Ward seriously contemplated a visit to 
 Australia, after having made the tour of England. He was very much in- 
 terested in all Australian affairs, had a strong desire to see the lands of the 
 South, and looked forward to the long sea-voyage as one of the means by 
 which he should regain his lost health. 
 
 + " More ventilation." — The heat and closeness of the densely-packed 
 room was a cause of common complaint among the audience. 
 
 t " These clothes," &c. — This was one of poor Artemus's jokes which 
 owed more of its success to its oddity than to its veracity. While lectur- 
 ing at-the Egyptian Hall he wore a fashionably-cut dress-coat in the even- 
 ing. It was what he had never done during his lecture-career in the 
 States, and he used privately to complain how uncomfortable he felt in 
 it. He assumed the most deplorable look when pointing out his costume 
 to his audience. His voice dropped into a moody, reflective tone, and 
 then suddenly passed into a much higher key when he commenced to 
 allude to " large fortunes." He seemed to have shaken off the embarrass- 
 ment of his fashionable clothes, and to be glad to pass on to another 
 subject. In the punctuation of the succeeding paragraph of the lecture, I 
 have endeavoured to convey an idea of the long pause he made between 
 some of his sentences. 
 
ARTEMUS WARDS LECTURE. 359 
 
 How often do large fortunes ruin young men ! I should 
 like to be ruined, but I can get on very well as I am. 
 
 I am not an Artist. I don't paint myself though, per- 
 haps, if I were a, middle-aged single lady I should yet I have 
 
 a passion for pictures. 1 have had a great many pictures — 
 
 photographs — taken of myself. Some of them are very pretty 
 — rather sweet to look at for a short time — 
 and as I said before I like them. I 've always loved pictures. 
 
 I could draw on wood at a very tender age. When a mere 
 child I once drew a small cartload of raw tur- 
 nips over a wooden bridge.-; The people of the 
 
 village noticed me. I drew their attention. They 
 said I had a future before me. Up to that time I had an idea 
 it was behind me. 
 
 Time passed on. It always does, by the way. You may 
 possibly have noticed that Time passes on. 
 
 It is a kind of way Time has. 
 
 I became a man. I haven't distinguished myself at all as 
 an artist — but I have always been more or less mixed up with 
 Art. I have an uncle who takes photographs — a n d I have 
 
 a servant wh O takes anything he can get his hands on. 
 
 When I was in Rome Eome in New York State, I mean 
 
 a distinguished sculpist wanted to sculp me. But I said 
 
 " No." I saw through the designing man. My model once in 
 his hands — he would have flooded the market with my busts 
 
 and I couldn't stand it to see everybody going round with 
 
 a bust of me. Everybody would want one of course — and 
 wherever I should go I should meet the educated classes with 
 my bust, taking it home to their families. This would 
 
 be more than my modesty could stand and 
 
 I should have to return to Americ a where 
 
 my creditors are. 
 
 I like Art. I admire dramatic Art — although I failed as an 
 actor. 
 
360 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 It was in my schoolboy days that I failed as an actor.* 
 
 The play was the " Euins of Pompeii." 1 played the 
 
 Euins. It was not a very successful performance — but it 
 was better than the " Burning Mountain." He was not 
 
 good. He was a bad Vesuvius. 
 
 The remembrance often makes me ask — "Where are the 
 
 boys of my youth 1 " 1 assure you this is not a conundrum. 
 
 Some are amongst you here some in America 
 
 some are in gaol. 
 
 Hence arises a most touching question — "Where are the 
 
 girls of my youth 1 " Some are married s ome would 
 
 like to be. 
 
 Oh my Maria ! Alas ! she married another. They frequently 
 
 do. I hope she is happy — b e c # u s e I am. t Some people 
 
 are not happy. I have noticed that. 
 
 A gentleman friend of mine came to me one day with tears 
 in his eyes. I said " Why these weeps 1 " He said he had a 
 mortgage on his farm — and wanted to borrow £200. I lent 
 him the money — and he went away. Some time after he re- 
 turned with more tears. He said he must leave me for ever. 
 I ventured to remind him of the £200 he borrowed. He was 
 much cut up. I thought I would not be hard upon him — 
 so told him I would throw off one hundred pounds. He 
 brightened — shook my hand — and said — "Old friend — I 
 won't allow you to outdo me in liberality — I'll throw off 
 the other hundred." 
 
 As a manager I was always rather more successful than as 
 an actor. 
 
 * "Failed as an actor." — Arfcemus made many attempts as an amateur 
 aetor, but never to his own satisfaction. He was very fond of the society 
 of actors and actresses. Their weaknesses amused him as much as their 
 talents excited his admiration. One of his favourite sayings was that the 
 world was made up of " men, women, and the people on the stage." 
 
 t " Because lam! " — Spoken with a sigh. It was a joke which always 
 told. Artemus never failed to use it in his " Babes in the Wood " lec- 
 • ture, and the " Sixty Minutes in Africa," as well as in the Mormon story. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD 'S LECTURE. 361 
 
 Some years ago I engaged a celebrated Living American 
 Skeleton for a tour through Australia. He was the thinnest 
 man I ever saw. He was a splendid skeleton. He didn't 
 
 weigh anything scarcely and I said to myself — the people 
 
 of Australia will flock to see this tremendous curiosity. It is 
 a long voyage — as you know — from New York to Melbourne — 
 and to my utter surprise the skeleton had no sooner got out 
 to sea than he commenced eating in the most horrible manner. 
 He had never been on the ocean before — and he said it agreed 
 
 with him. 1 thought so ! 1' never saw a man eat so 
 
 much in my life. Beef — mutton — pork he swallowed them 
 
 all like a shark and between meals he was often dis- 
 covered behind barrels eating hard-boiled eggs. The result 
 was that when we reached Melbourne this infamous skeleton 
 weighed 64 pounds more than I did ! 
 
 I thought I was ruined but I wasn't. I took him on to 
 
 California another very long sea voyage and when- 1 
 
 got him to San Francisco I exhibited him as a Fat 
 Man.* 
 
 This story hasn't anything to do with my Entertainment, I 
 know but one of the principal features of my Entertainment 
 
 is that it contains SO many things that don't have anything to 
 do with it. 
 
 My Orchestra is small but I am sure it is very good — so 
 
 far as it goes. I give my pianist ten pounds a 
 night — and his washing.t 
 
 * "As a fat mom." — The reader need scarcely he informed that this 
 narrative is about as real as " A. Ward's Snaiks," and about as much 
 matter of fact as his journey through the States with a wax-work show. 
 
 + " My pianist," &c. — That a good pianist could be hired for a small 
 sum in England was a matter of amusement to Artemus. More especially 
 when he found a gentleman obliging enough to play anything he desired, 
 such as break-downs and airs which had the most absurd relation to the 
 scene they were used to illustrate. In the United States his pianist was 
 desirous of playing music of a superior order, much against the consent of 
 the lecturer. 
 
362 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I like Music— — I can't sing. As a singist I am not a 
 success. I am saddest when I sing. So are those -who 
 hear me. They are sadder even than I am. 
 
 The other night some silver-voiced young men came under 
 my -window, and sang — " Come where my love lies dreaming." 
 1 didn't go. I didn't think it would be cor- 
 rect. 
 
 I found music very soothing when I lay ill with fever in 
 
 Utah and I was very ill 1 was fearfully wasted. 
 
 My face was hewn down to nothing — and my nose was so sharp 
 I didn't dare stick it into other people's business — for fear 
 it would stay ther e — and I should never get it again. 
 
 And on those dismal days a Mormon lady she was married 
 
 — t ho' not so much so as her husban d — he had 
 
 fifteen other wives she used to sing a ballad commencing 
 
 " Sweet bird — do not fly away ! " and I told her I wouldn't. 
 
 She played the accordion divinely — accordionly I praised 
 
 her. 
 
 I met a man in Oregon who hadn't any teeth — not a tooth 
 
 in his head y et that man coul'd play on the 
 
 bass drum better than any man I ever met. 
 
 He kept a hotel. They have queer hotels in Oregon. I 
 
 remember one where they gave me a bag of oats for a pillow 
 1 had night mares of course. In the morn- 
 ing the landlord said — How do you feel — old hoss — ha^ \ . 
 
 I told him I felt my oats. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD 'S LECTURE. 363 
 
 PERMIT * me now to quietly state that altho' I am here 
 with my cap and bells, I am also here with some seri- 
 ous descriptions of the Mormons — their manners — their cus- 
 toms and while the pictures I shall present to your notice 
 
 are by no means works of art — they are painted from photo- 
 graphs actually taken on the spot t and I am sure I need 
 
 not inform any person present who was ever in the territory 
 of Utah that they are as faithful as they could possibly be. % 
 I went to Great Salt Lake City by way of California. § 
 
 * " Permit mi now." — Though the serious part of the lecture was here 
 entered upon, it was not delivered iu a graver tone than that in which he 
 had spoken the farcicalities of the prologue. Most of the prefatory mat- 
 ter was given with an air of earnest thought ; the arms sometimes folded, 
 and the chin resting on one hand. On the occasion of his first exhibiting 
 the panorama at New York he used a fishing-rod to point out the pictur* 
 with ; subsequently he availed himself of an old umbrella. In the Egyp- 
 tian Hall he used his little riding-whip. 
 
 t " Photographs."— They were photographed by Savage & Ottinger, of 
 Salt Lake City, the photographers to Brigham Young. 
 
 J Curtain. — The picture was concealed from view during the first part 
 of the lecture by a crimson curtain. This was drawn together or opened 
 many times in the course of the lecture, and at odd points of the picture. 
 I am not aware that Artemus himself could have explained why he caused 
 the curtain to be drawn at one place and not at another. Probably he 
 thought it to be one of his good jokes that it should shut in the picture 
 just when, there was no reason for its being used. 
 
 § " By way of California." — That is, he went by steamer from New 
 York to Aspinwall, thence across the Isthmus of Panama by railway, and 
 then from Panama to California by another steamboat. A journey which 
 then occupied about three weeks. 
 
364 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I went to California on the steamer Ariel. This is the 
 
 steamer Arid. 
 
 {Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Oblige me by calmly gazing on the steamer Ariel a n d 
 
 when you go t,o California be sure and go 
 on some other steame r because the Ariel isn't a 
 
 very good one. 
 
 When I reached the Ariel — at pier No. 4— New York — I 
 found the passengers in a state of great confusion about their 
 things — which were being thrown around by the ship's porters 
 
 in a manner at once damaging and idiotic. So great was 
 
 the excitement — my fragile form was smashed this way — and 
 jammed that way — till finally I was shoved into a stateroom 
 which was occupied by two middle-aged females— who said, 
 
 " Base man — leave us— Oh leave us ! " 1 left the m h 
 
 —I left them! 
 
 We reached Accapuleo, on the coast of Mexico, in due time. 
 
 Nothing of special interest occurred at Accapuleo. only 
 
 some of the Mexican ladies are very beautiful. They all have 
 
 brilliant black hair hair " black as starless night " i f I 
 
 may quote from the Family Herald. It don't 
 
 curl. — — A Mexican's lady's hair never curls it is 
 
 straight as an Indian's. Some people's hair won't curl under 
 any circumstances. My hair won't curl under two shillings.* 
 
 * " Under two shillings." — Artemus always wore his hair straight until 
 after his severe illness in Salt Lake City. So much of it dropped off 
 during his recovery, that he became dissatisfied with the long meagre 
 appearance his countenance presented when he svirveyed it in the looking- 
 glass. . After his lecture at the Salt Lake City theatre, he did not lecture 
 again until we had crossed the Kooky Mountains and arrived at Denver 
 City, the capital of Colorado. On the afternoon he was to lecture there. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 365 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The great thoroughfare of the imperial city of the Pacific 
 Coast. 
 
 The Chinese form a large element in the population of San 
 Francisco — and I went to the Chinese Theatre. 
 
 A Chinese play often lasts two months. Commencing at 
 the hero's birth, it is cheerfully conducted from week to week 
 till he is either killed or married. 
 
 The night I was there a Chinese comic vocalist sang a 
 Chinese comic song. It took him six weeks to finish it — but, 
 as my time was limited, I went away at the expiration of 215 
 verses. There were 11,000 verses to this song — the chorus 
 
 being " Tural lural dural, ri fol day" which was repeated 
 
 twice at the end of each verse making — as you will at once 
 
 see — the appalling number of 22,000 " tural lural dural, ri fol 
 days " a nd the man. still lives. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Virginia City — in the bright new State of Nevada.* 
 
 I met him doming out of an ironmonger's store with a small parcel in his 
 hand. " I want you, old fellow," he said ; " I have been all round the 
 city for them, and I 've got them at last." " Got what ? " I asked. " A 
 pair of curling-tongs. I am going to have my hair curled to lecture in 
 to-night. I mean to cross the Plains in curls. Come home with me, and 
 try to curl it for me. I don't want to go to any idiot of a barber, to be 
 laughed at." I played the part of frisetir. Subsequently he became his 
 own " curlist," as he phrased it. From that day forth Artemus was a 
 curly-haired man. 
 
 * " Virginia City." — The view of Virginia City given in the panorama 
 conveyed a very poor idea of the marvellous capital of the silver region of 
 
366 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 A wonderful little city — right in the heart of the famous 
 Washoe silver regions the mines of which annually pro- 
 Nevada. Artemus caused the curtain to close up between his view of San 
 Francisco and that of Virginia City, as a simple means of conveying an 
 "idea of the distance travelled between. To arrive at the city of silver we 
 had to travel from San Francisco to Sacramento by steamboat, thence 
 from Sacramento to Folsom by railroad, then by coach to Placerville. At 
 Placerville we commenced the ascent of the Sierra Nevada, gaining the 
 summit of Johnson's Pass about four o'clock in the morning ; thence we 
 descended ; skirted the shores of Lake Tahoe, and arrived at Carson City, 
 where Artemus lectured. From Carson, the next trip was across an arid 
 plain, to the great silver region. Empire City, the first place we struck, 
 was composed of about fifty wooden houses and three or four quartz mills. 
 Leaving it behind us, we pass through the Devil's Gate — a grand ravine, 
 with precipitous mountains on each side ; then we came to Silver City, 
 Gold Hill, and Virginia. The road was all up-hill. Virginia City itself is 
 built on a ledge cut out of the side of Mount Davidson, which rises some 
 9000 feet above the sea level— the city being about half way up its side. 
 To Artemus Ward the wild character of the scenery, the strange manners 
 of the red-shirted citizens, and the odd developments of life met with in 
 that uncouth mountain-town were all replete with interest. We staye 1 
 there about a week. During the time of our stay he explored every part 
 of the place, met many old friends from the Eastern States, and formed 
 many new acquaintances, with some of whom acquaintance ripened into 
 warm friendship. Among the latter was Mr Samuel L. Clemens, now 
 well known as "Mark Twain." He was then sub-editing one of. the three 
 papers published daily in Virginia — The Territorial Enterprise. Artemus 
 detected in the writings of Mark Twain the indications of great humorous 
 power, and strongly advised the writer to seek a better field for his talents. 
 Since then he has become a well-known New York lecturer and author. 
 With Mark Twain, Artemus made a descent into the Gould and Curry 
 Silver Mine at Virginia, the largest mine of the kind, I believe, in the 
 world. The account of the descent formed a long and very amusing 
 article in the next morning's Enterprise. To wander about the town and 
 note its strange developments occupied Artemus incessantly. I was sitting 
 writing letters at the hotel when he came in hurriedly, and requested me 
 to go out with him. " Come and see some joking much better than 
 mine,'' said he. He led me to where one of Wells, Fargo, & Co.'s express 
 waggons was being rapidly filled with silver bricks. Ingots of the precious 
 metal, each almost as large as an ordinary brick, were being thrown from 
 one man to another to load the waggon, just as bricks or cheeses are trans- 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 367 
 
 duce over twenty-five millions of solid silver. This silver is 
 melted into solid bricks — of about the size of ordinary house- 
 
 f erred from hand to hand by carters in England. " Good old jokes those, 
 Hingston. Good, solid 'Babes in the Wood,' " observed Artemus. Yet 
 that evening he lectured in " Maguire's Opera House," Virginia City, to 
 an audience composed chiefly of miners, and the receipts were not far 
 short of eight hundred dollars. A droll building it was to be called an 
 " Opera House," and to bear that designation in a place so outlandish. 
 Perched up on the side of a mountain, from the windows of the dressing- 
 rooms a view could be had of fifty miles of the American desert. It was 
 an " Opera House ;" yet in the plain beneath it there were Indians who 
 still led the life of savages, and carried dried human scalps attached to 
 their girdles. It was an " Opera House ;" yet, for many hundred miles 
 around it, Nature wore the roughest, sternest, and most barren of aspects 
 — no tree, no grass, no shrub, but the colourless and dreary sage-brush. 
 Every piece of timber, every brick, and every stone in that " Opera 
 House" had been brought from California, over those snow-capped Sierras, 
 which, but a few years before, had been regarded as beyond the last out- 
 posts of civilisation. Every singer who had sung, and every actor who 
 had performed at that " Opera House," had been whirled down the sides 
 of the Nevada mountains, clinging to the coach-top, and mentally vowing 
 never again to trust the safety of his neck on any such professional 
 excursion. The drama has been very plucky "out West." Thalia, Mel- 
 pomene, and Euterpe become young ladies of great animal spirits and 
 fearless daring when they feel the fresh breezes of the Pacific blowing in 
 their faces. At Virginia City we purchased black felt shirts half an inch 
 thick, and gray blankets of ample size to keep us warm for the journey we 
 were about to undertake. We invested also in revolvers to defend our- 
 selves against the Indians ; a dozen cold roast fowls to eat on the way; a 
 demijohn of Bourbon whisky, and a bagful of unground coffee. This last 
 was about as useful as any of our purchases. Thus provided, we started 
 across the desert on our way to Reese River, and thence to Salt Lake City. 
 Our coach was a fearfully lumbering old vehicle of great strength, con- 
 structed for jolting over rocky ledges, plunging into marshy swamps, and 
 for rolling through miles of sand. The horses were small and wiry, accus- 
 tomed to the country, and able to exist on anything which it is possible 
 for a horse to eat. There were four of us in the coach. The " Pioneer 
 Company's " man who drove us was full of whisky and good humour when 
 he mounted the box ; and singing in chorus, " Jordan's a hard road to travel 
 on," we bowled down the slope of Mount Davidson towards the deserts of 
 Nevada, en route for New Pass Station. 
 
368 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 bricks — and carted off to San Francisco with mules. The 
 roads often swarm with these silver waggons. 
 
 One hundred and seventy-five miles to the east of this place 
 are the Eeese River Silver Mines — which are supposed to be 
 the richest in the world. 
 
 (pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The great American Desert in winter-time the desert 
 
 which is so frightfully gloomy always. No trees no houses 
 
 no people — save the miserable beings who live in wretched 
 
 huts and have charge of the horses and mules of the Overland 
 Mail Company. 
 
 This picture is a great work of art. It is an oil painting 
 
 — d one in petroleum. It is by the Old Masters. It 
 was the last thing they did before dying. They did this 
 and then they expired. 
 
 ' The most celebrated artists of London are so delighted with 
 this picture that they come to the Hall every day to gaze at 
 it. I wish you were nearer to it — so you could see it better. 
 I wish I could take it to your residences and let you . see it by 
 daylight. Some of the greatest artists in London come here 
 every morning before daylight with lanterns to look at. 
 They say they never saw anything like it 
 
 b e f O r e and they hope they never shall again. 
 
 When I first showed this picture in New York, the audience 
 were so enthusiastic in their admiration of this picture that 
 they called for the Artist and when he 
 
 appeared they threw brickbats at him.* 
 
 * "Threw brickbats at him." — This portion of the panorama was very 
 badly painted. When the idea of having a panorama was first enter- 
 tained by Artemus, he wished to have one of great artistic merit. Find- 
 ing considerable difficulty in procuring one, and also discovering that the 
 expense of a real work of art would be beyond his means, he resolved ou 
 
ARZEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 369 
 
 {Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 A bird's-eye-view of Great Salt Lake City the strange 
 
 city in the Desert about which so much has been heard the 
 
 city of the people who call them selves Saints.* 
 
 I know there is much interest taken in these remarkable 
 
 people — ladies and gentlemen -and I have thought it better 
 
 to make the purely descriptive part of my Entertainment 
 
 entirely serious 1 will not — then — for the next ten minutes 
 
 — confine myself to my subject. 
 
 having a very bad one, or one so bad in parts that its very badness would 
 give him scope for jest. In the small towns of the Western States it 
 passed very well for a first-class picture, but what it was really worth in 
 an artistic point of view its owner was very well aware. 
 
 * " Salt Lake pity." — Our stay in the Mormon capital extended over six 
 weeks. So cheerless was the place in midwinter, that we should not have 
 stayed half that time had not Artemus Ward succumbed to an attack of 
 typhoid fever almost as soon as we arrived. The incessant travel by night 
 and day, the depressing effect produced by intense cold, travelling through 
 leagues of snow and fording half-frozen rivers at midnight, the excitement 
 of passing through Indian country, and some slight nervous apprehension 
 of how he would be received among the Mormons, considering that he 
 had ridiculed them in a paper published some time before, all conspired to 
 produce the illness which resulted. Fever of the typhoid form is not un- 
 common in Utah. Probably the rarefaction of the air en a plateau four 
 thousand feet above the sea level has something to do with its frequency. 
 Artemus's fears relative to the cordiality of his reception proved to be 
 groundless, for during the period of his being ill he was carefully tended. 
 Brigham Young commissioned Mr Stenhouse, postmaster to the city and 
 Elder of the Mormon Church, to visit him frequently and supply him with 
 whatever he required. One of the two wives of Mr Townsend, landlord 
 of the Salt Lake House, the hotel where we stopped, was equally as kind. 
 Whatever the feelings of the Mormons were towards poor Artemus, they 
 at least treated him with sympathetic hospitality. Even Mr Porter Rock- 
 well, who is known as one of the " Avenging Angels," or " Danite Band," 
 and who is reported to have made away with some seventeen or eighteen 
 enemies of the " Saints," came and sat by the bedside of the sufferer, 
 detailing to him some of the little " difficulties " he had experienced iu 
 effectually silencing the unbelievers of times past. 
 
 2 A 
 
37° ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 Some seventeen years ago, a small band of Mormons — 
 headed by Brigham Young — commenced in the present thrifty 
 metropolis of Utah. The population of the territory of Utah 
 
 is over 100,000 — chiefly Mormons and they are increasing 
 
 at the rate of from five to ten thousand annually. The con- 
 verts to Mormonism now are almost exclusively confined to 
 English and Germans. Wales and Cornwall have contri- 
 buted largely to the population of Utah during the last few 
 years. The population of Great Salt Lake City is 20,000. 
 
 The streets are eight rods wide * — and are neither flagged 
 
 nor paved. A stream of pure mountain spring water courses 
 through each street — and is conducted into the gardens of the 
 Mormons. The houses are mostly of adobe — or sun-dried 
 
 brick — and present a neat and comfortable appearance. 
 
 They are usually a story and a half high. Now and then you 
 
 see a fine modern house in Salt Lake City but no house 
 
 ( that is dirty, shabby, and dilapidated — because there are no 
 absolutely poor people in Utah. Every Mormon has a nice 
 garden and every Mormon has a tidy dooryard. Neat- 
 ness is a great characteristic of the Mormons. 
 
 The Mormons profess to believe that they are the chosen 
 
 people of God they call themselves Latter-day Saints 
 
 and they call us people of the outer world Gentiles. They 
 
 say that Mr Brigham Young is a prophet — the legitimate suc- 
 cessor of Joseph Smith, who founded the Mormon religion. 
 They also say they are authorised — by special revelation from 
 Heaven — to marry as many wives as they can comfortably 
 support. 
 
 This wife system they call plurality the world calls it 
 
 polygamy. That, at its best, it is an accursed thing— I need 
 
 not, of course, inform you but you will bear in mind 
 
 that I am here as a rather cheerful reporter of what I saw in 
 Utah and I fancy it isn't at all necessary for me to grow 
 
 . * Equal to sixty-four feet wide. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 371 
 
 virtuously indignant over something we all know is hideously 
 wrong. 
 
 You will be surprised to hear — I was amazed to see — that 
 among the Mormon women there are some few persons of 
 education — of positive cultivation. As a class the Mormons 
 
 are not an educated people but they are by no means the 
 
 community of ignoramuses so many writers have told us they 
 were. 
 
 The valley in which they live is splendidly favoured. They 
 raise immense crops. They have mills of all kinds. They have 
 coal' — lead — and silver mines. All they eat — all they drink — 
 all they wear — they can produce themselves — and still have a 
 great abundance to sell to the gold regions of Idaho on the one 
 hand and the silver regions of Nevada on the other. 
 
 The President of this remarkable community the head of 
 
 the Mormon Church is Brigham Young. He is called 
 
 President Young — and Brother Brigham. He is about fifty-four 
 years old — although he doesn't look to be over forty-five. He 
 
 has sandy hair and whiskers is of medium height and 
 
 is a little inclined to corpulency. He was born in the State of 
 Vermont. His power is more absolute than that of any living 
 
 sovereign yet he uses it with such consummate discretion 
 
 that his people are almost madly devoted to him — and that 
 they would cheerfully die for him if they thought the sacrifice 
 were demanded — I cannot doubt. 
 
 He is a man of enormous wealth. One-tenth of everything 
 
 sold in the territory of Utah goes to the Church and Mr 
 
 Brigham Young is the Church. It is supposed that he specu- 
 lates with these funds——' — at all events, he is one of the 
 wealthiest men now living worth several millions — with- 
 out doubt. He is a bold — bad man but that he is also 
 
 a man of extraordinary administrative ability no one can doubt 
 who has watched his astounding career for the past ten years. 
 It is only fair for me to add that he treated me with marked 
 kindness during my sojourn in Utah. 
 
372 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The West Side of Main Street— Salt Lake City— including 
 
 a view of the Salt Lake Hotel. It is a temperance hotel* 
 
 I prefer temperance hotels — altho' they sell worse 
 liquor than any other kind of hotels. But the 
 
 Salt Lake Hotel sells none nor is there a bar in all Salt 
 
 Lake City but I found when I was thirsty— and I gene- 
 rally am— that I could get some very good brandy of one of 
 the Elders — on the sly — and I never on any account allow my 
 
 business to interfere with my drinking. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 There is the Overland Mail Coach. t That is, the den on 
 
 wheels in which we have been crammed for the past ten days — 
 
 * " Temperance hotel. "—At the date of our visit, there was only one 
 place in Salt Lake City where strong drink was allowed to he sold. Brig- 
 ham Young himself owned the property, and vended the liquor by whole- 
 sale, not permitting any of it to be drunk on the premises. It was a 
 coarse, inferior kind of whisky; known in Salt Lake as " Valley Tan." 
 Throughout the city there was no drinking-bar nor billiard-room, so far 
 as I am aware. But a drink on the sly could always be had at one of the 
 hard-goods stores, in the back office behind the pile of metal saucepans ; 
 or at one of the dry-goods stores, in the little parlour in the rear of the 
 bales of calico. At the present time I believe that there are two or three 
 open bars in Salt Lake, Brigham Young having recognised the right of the 
 " Saints " to " liquor up " occasionally. But whatever other failings they 
 may have, intemperance cannot be laid to their charge. Among the Mor- 
 mons there are no paupers, no gamblers, and no drunkards. 
 
 + " Overland mail coach. " — From Virginia City to Salt Lake we travelled 
 in the coaches of the " Pioneer Stage Company. " In leaving Salt Lake for 
 Denver we changed to those of the " Overland Stage Company," of which 
 the renowned Ben Holliday is proprietor, a gentleman whose name on the 
 Plains is better known than that of any other man in America. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 373 
 
 and ten nights. Those of you who have been in Newgate* — 
 
 — and stayed there any length of time as 
 
 visitor s can realise how I felt. 
 
 The American Overland Mail Eoute commences at Sacra- 
 mento — California-^ — and ends at Atchison — Kansas. The 
 
 distance is two thousand two hundred miles but you go 
 
 part of the way by rail. The Pacific Eailwayt is now com- 
 
 * " Been, in Newgate." — The manner in which Artemus uttered this joke 
 was peculiarly characteristic of his style of lecturing. The commencement 
 of the sentence was spoken as if unpremeditated ; then, when he had got 
 as far as the word " Newgate," he paused, as if wishing to call back that 
 which he had said. The applauBe was unfailingly uproarious. Travelling 
 through the States, he used to say, " Those of you who have been in the 
 Penitentiary." On the morning after his lecture at Pittsburg, in Penn- 
 sylvania, he was waited on by a tall, gaunt, dark-haired man, of sour aspect 
 and sombre demeanour, who carried in his hand a hickory walking-cane, 
 which he grasped very menacingly, as addressing Artemus he said, " I 
 guess you are the gentleman who lect'red last night ? " Mr Ward replied 
 in the affirmative. " Then I 've got to have satisfaction from you. I 
 took my wife and her sister to hear you lecter, and you insulted them." 
 "Excuse m,e," said Artemus. "I went home immediately the lecture 
 was over, and had no conversation with any lady in the hall that evening." 
 The visitor grew more angry. " Hold thar, Mr Lect'rer. Tou told my wife 
 and her sister that they'd been in the Penitentiary. I must have satis- 
 faction for the insult, and I 'm come to get it." Artemus was hesitating 
 how to reply, when the hotel clerk suddenly appeared upon the scene, 
 saying, " I 've a good memory for voices. You are Mr Josiah Mertin, I 
 believe ? " "I am," was the reply. " And I am the late clerk of the Girard 
 House, Philadelphia. There 's a little board-bill of yours owing there for 
 ninety-two dollars and a half. You skedaddled without paying. Will 
 you oblige me by waiting till I send for an officer ? " I believe that 
 Mr Josiah Mertin did not even wait for " satisfaction." 
 
 + "The Pacific Railway." — The journey was made in the winter of 
 1863-4. By the time these notes appear, in print the Pacific Eailway will 
 
374 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 pleted from Sacramento — California — to Fulsom — California 
 
 which only leaves two thousand two hundred and eleven 
 
 miles to go by coach. This breaks the monotony 
 it came very near breaking my back. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The Mormon Theatre. This edifice is the exclusive pro- 
 perty of Brigham Young. It will comfortably hold three 
 thousand persons — and I beg you will believe me when I in- 
 form you that its interior is quite as brilliant as that of 
 any, theatre in London.* 
 
 The actors are all Mormon amateurs, who charge nothing 
 for their services. 
 
 be almost complete from the banks of the Missouri to those of the Sacra- 
 mento, and travellers will soon be able to make the transit of over three 
 thousand miles from New York City to the capital of California, without 
 leaving the railway car, except to cross a ferry, or to change from one 
 station to another. 
 
 * "Brilliamt as that of any theatre in London." — Herein Artemus 
 slightly exaggerated. The colouring of the theatre was white and gold, but 
 it was inefficiently lighted with oil lamps. When Brigham Young himself 
 showed us round the theatre, he pointed out, as an instance of his own 
 ingenuity, that the central chandelier was formed out of the wheel of one 
 of his old coaches. The house is now, I believe, lighted with gas. Alto- 
 gether it is a very wondrous edifice, considering where it is_ built and who 
 were the builders. At the time of its erection there was no other theatre 
 on the northern part of the American plateau, no building for a similar 
 purpose anywhere for five hundred miles, north, east, south, or west. 
 Many a theatre in the provincial towns of England is not half so substan- 
 tially built, nor one-tithe part so well appointed. The dressing rooms, 
 wardrobe, tailors' workshop, carpenters' shop, paint room, and library, 
 leave scarcely anything to be desired in their completeness. Brigham 
 Young's son-in-law, Mr Hiram Clawson, the manager, and Mr John Cane, 
 the stage manager, if they came to London, might render good service at 
 one or two of our metropolitan playhouses. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 375 
 
 You must know that very little money is taken at the doors 
 of this theatre. The Mormons mostly pay in grain — and all 
 sorts of articles. 
 ■ The night I gave my little lecture there— among my receipts 
 
 were corn — flour — pork — cheese — chickens on foot 
 
 and in the shell. 
 
 One family went in on a live pig and a man attempted to 
 
 pass a " yaller dog" at the Box Office — but my agent repulsed 
 
 him. One offered me a doll for admission another infants' 
 
 clothing. 1 refused to take that. A s a general 
 
 rule I do refuse. 
 
 In the middle of the parquet — in a rocking-chair — with his 
 hat on — sits Brigham Young. When the play drags — he 
 either goes out or falls into a tranquil sleep. 
 
 A portion of the dress circle is set apart for the wives of 
 Brigham Young. From ten to twenty of them are usually 
 present. His children fill the entire gallery 
 — and more too. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The East Side of Main Street — Salt Lake City— with a 
 
 view of the Council Building. The Legislature of Utah 
 
 meets there. It is like all legislative bodies. They meet this 
 winter to repeal the ; laws which they met and made last 
 
 winter and they will meet next winter to repeal the laws 
 
 which they met and made this winter. 
 
 I dislike to speak about it -but it was in 
 
 Utah that I made the great speech of my life. I wish you could 
 have heard it. I have a fine education. You may have 
 
 noticed it. I speak six different languages London — 
 
 Chatham — and Dover Margate — Brighton — and Hastings. 
 
 My parents sold a cow — and sent me to college when I was 
 quite young. During the vacation I used to teach a school of 
 
376 ARTEMl/s WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 whales— and there 's where I learned to spout. 1 don't ex- 
 pect applause for a little thing like that. I wish you could 
 have heard that speech— however. If Cicero— he 's dead now 
 
 he has gone from us but if Old Ciss* could have 
 
 heard that effort it would have given him the rinderpest. I '11 
 tell you how it was. There are stationed in Utah two regi- 
 ments of U. S. troops the 21st from California — and the 
 
 37th from Nevada. The 20-onesters asked me to present a 
 
 stand of colours to the 37-sters and I did it in a speech so 
 
 abounding in eloquence of a bold and brilliant character 
 
 and also some sweet talk real pretty shopkeeping talk 
 
 that I worked the enthusiasm of those 
 
 soldiers up to such a pitc h that they came very- 
 near shooting me on the spot.t 
 
 {Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Brighatn Young's Harem. These are the houses of 
 
 * " Old Ciss." — Here again no description can adequately inform the 
 reader of the drollery which characterised the lecturer. His reference to 
 Cicero was made in the most lugubrious manner, as if he really deplored 
 his death and valued him as a schoolfellow loved and lost. 
 
 f " United States troops." — Our stay in Utah was rendered especially 
 pleasant by the attentions of the regiment of California Cavalry, then sta- 
 tioned at Fort Douglas in the Wahsatch Mountains, three miles beyond 
 and overlooking the city. General Edward O'Connor, the United States 
 Military Governor of Utah, was especially attentive to the wants of poor 
 Artemus during his severe illness ; and had it not been for the kind atten- 
 tions of Dr Williams, the surgeon to the regiment, I doubt if the invalid 
 would have recovered. General O'Connor had then been two years 
 stationed in Utah, but during the whole of that time had refused to have 
 any personal communication with Brigham Young. The Mormon pro- 
 phet would sit in his private box, and the United States general occupy a 
 seat in the dress-circle of the theatre. They would look at each other 
 frequently through their opera-glasses, but that constituted their whole 
 intimacy. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 377 
 
 Brigham Young. The first on the right is the Lion House — 
 so called because a crouching stone lion adorns the central 
 front window. The adjoining small building is Brigham 
 
 Young's office — and where he receives his visitors. The 
 
 large house, in the centre of the picture — which displays a 
 
 huge bee-hive — is called the Bee House the bee-hive is 
 
 supposed to be symbolical of the industry of the Mormons. 
 — - — Mrs Brigham Young the first — now quite an old lady — 
 lives here with her children. None of the other wives of the 
 prophet live here. In the rear are the school-houses where 
 Brigham Young's children are educated. 
 
 Brigham Young has two hundred wives. Just think of 
 that! Oblige me by thinking of that. That is — he has eighty 
 actual wives, and he is spiritually married to one hundred and 
 
 twenty more. These spiritual marriages as the Mormons 
 
 call them are contracted with aged widows — who think it 
 
 a great honour to be sealed the Mormons call it being 
 
 sealed to the Prophet. 
 
 So we may say he has two hundred wives. He loves 
 not wisel y — b ut two hundred well. He is dread- 
 fully married. He's the moat married man I ever saw in my 
 life. 
 
 I saw his mother-in-law while I was there. I can't ex- 
 actly tell you how many there is of he r — but 
 it's a good deal. It strikes me that one mother-in-law is 
 about enough to have in a family unless you're very fond 
 
 of excitement. 
 
 A few days before my arrival in Utah — Brigham was mar- 
 ried again — to a young and really pretty girl * but he 
 
 says he shall stop now. He told me confidentially that he 
 shouldn't get married any more. He says that all he wants 
 now is to live in peace for the remainder of his days — and 
 have his dying pillow soothed by the loving hands of his 
 
 * "A really pretty girl." — The daughter of the architect of his new 
 theatre. 
 
378 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 family. Well— that 'a all right- — that 's all right — I suppose 
 
 but if all his family soothe his dying 
 
 pillow — he'll have to go out-doors to die. 
 
 By the way— Shakespeare endorses polygamy. He speaks 
 
 of the Merry Wives of Windsor. How many wives did 
 Mr Windsor have? But we will let this pass. 
 
 Some of these Mormons have terrific families. I lectured 
 one night by invitation in the Mormon village of Provost 
 
 but during the day I rashly gave a leading Mormon an 
 
 order admitting himself and family. It was before I 
 
 knew that he was much married and they 
 
 filled the room to overflowing. It w a - s a great s u c- 
 c e s s b ut I didn't get any money. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama). 
 
 Heber 0. Kimball's Harem. Mr C. Kimball is the first 
 
 vice-president of the Mormon Church — and would — conse- 
 quently — succeed to the full presidency on Brigham Young's 
 death. 
 
 Brother Kimball is a gay and festive cuss of some seventy 
 
 summers or some 'ers there about. He has one 
 
 thousand head of cattle and a hundred 
 head of wives.* He says they are awful eaters. 
 
 Mr Kimball had a son a lovely young man who 
 
 was married to ten interesting wives. But one day while 
 
 he was absent from home these ten wives went 
 
 out walking with a handsome young man 
 
 * "A hundred head of wives." — It is an authenticated fact that, in an 
 addresa to his congregation in the Tabernacle, Heber C. Kimball once 
 alluded to his wives by the endearing epithet of "my heifers;" and on 
 another occasion politely spoke of them as " his cows." The phraseology 
 may possibly be a slight indication of the refinement of manners prevalent 
 in Salt Lake City. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 379 
 
 — which, so enraged Mr Kimhall's son — which made Mr 
 Kimball's son so jealous — that he shot himself with a horse 
 pistuel. 
 
 The doctor who attended him a very scientific man 
 
 informed me that the bullet entered the inner parallelogram 
 of his diaphragmatic thorax, superinducing membranous 
 hemorrhage in the outer cuticle of his basiliconthamaturgist. 
 It killed him. I should have thought it would. 
 
 (Soft music.) * 
 
 I hope this sad end will be a warning to all young wives 
 who go out walking with handsome young men. Mr Kim- 
 ball's son is now no more. He sleeps beneath the 
 cypress — the myrtle — and the willow. This 
 music is a dirge by the eminent pianist for Mr Kimball's son. 
 He died by request. 
 
 I regret to say that efforts were made to make a Mormon of 
 me while I was in Utah. 
 
 It was leap-year when I was there — and seventeen young 
 
 widows the wives of a deceased Mormon offered me 
 
 their hearts and hands. I called on them one day — and 
 
 taking their soft white hands in mine w hich made 
 
 eighteen hands altogethe r 1 found them in 
 
 tears. 
 
 And I said — " Why is this thus 1 What is the reason of 
 this thusness 1 " 
 
 They hove a sigh seventeen sighs of different size They 
 
 said — 
 
 " Oh — soon thou wilt be gonested away ! " 
 
 I told them that when I got ready to leave a place I 
 . wentested. 
 
 * " Soft music." — Here Artemus Ward's pianist (following instructions) 
 sometimes played the "Dead March from Saul." At other times, the 
 Welsh air of "Poor Mary Anne," or anything else replete with sadness 
 which might chance to strike his fancy. The effect was irresistibly comio. 
 
380 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 They said—" Doth not like us ? " 
 
 I said— "I doth 1 doth!" 
 
 I also said — " I hope your intentions are honourable — as I 
 
 am a lone child my parents being far— far away." 
 
 They then said — " Wilt not marry us 1 " 
 
 I said — " Oh — no it cannot was.'' 
 
 Again they asked me to marry them — and again I declined. 
 When they cried — 
 
 " Oh — cruel man ! This is too much oh ! too much ! " 
 
 I told them that it was on account of the 
 muchness that I declined.* 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 This is the Mormon Temple. 
 
 It is built of adobe — and will hold five thousand persons 
 quite comfortably. A full brass and string band often assists 
 
 the choir of this church and the choir —I may add — is a 
 
 remarkably good one. 
 
 Brigham Young seldom preaches now. The younger elders 
 
 unless on some special occasions conduct the services. 
 
 I only heard Mr Young once. He is not an educated man 
 
 but speaks with considerable force and clearness. The 
 
 day I was there there was nothing coarse in his remarks. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The foundations of the Temple. 
 
 These are the foundations of the magnificent Temple the 
 
 * " That I declined. " — I remember one evening-party in Salt Lake City to 
 which Artemus Ward and myself went. There were thirty -nine ladies and 
 only seven gentlemen. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 3 
 
 Mormons are building. It is to be built of hewn stone — a 
 will cover several acres of ground. They say it shall eclij 
 in splendour all other temples in the world. They also say 
 shall be paved with solid gold.* 
 
 It is perhaps worthy of remark that the architect of tl 
 contemplated gorgeous affair repudiated Mormonism — and 
 now living in London. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The Temple as it is to be. 
 
 This pretty little picture is from the architect's design — 
 and cannot therefore — I suppose — be called a fancy sketch.-l 
 
 Should the Mormons continue unmolested — I think th 
 will complete this rather remarkable edifice. 
 
 " Solid gold." — " "Where will the gold be obtained from ? " is a questi 
 which, the visitor might reasonably be expected to ask. TJnquestional 
 the mountains of Utah contain the precious metal, though it has not b< 
 the policy of Brigham Young and the chiefs of the Mormon Church 
 disclose their knowledge of the localities in .which it is to be foui 
 There is a current report in Salt Lake City that nuggets of gold have be 
 picked up within a radius of a few score of miles from the site of ( 
 new temple. But the Mormons, instructed by their Church, prof 
 ignorance on the subject. The discovery of large gold mines, and p 
 mission to work them, would attract to the valley of Salt Lake a class 
 visitors not wished for by Brigham Young and his disciples. Next to i 
 construction of the Pacific Railway, nothing would be more conducive 
 the downfall of Mormonism than Utah becoming known as an extensi 
 gold-field. 
 
 + " A fancy sketch." — Artemus had the windows of the temple in ] 
 panorama cut out and filled in with transparent coloured paper, so th 
 when lighted from behind, it had the effect of one of the little plasi 
 churches, with a piece of lighted candle inside, which the Italian imaj 
 boys display at times for sale in the streets. Nothing in the course of t 
 evening pleased Artemus more than to notice the satisfaction with whi 
 this meretricious piece of absurdity was received by the audience. 
 
382 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 Great Salt Lake. The great salt dead sea of the desert. 
 
 {Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 I know of no greater curiosity than this inland sea of thick 
 brine. It is eighty miles wide — and one hundred and thirty 
 miles long. Solid masses of salt are daily washed ashore in 
 immense heaps — and the Mormon in want of salt has only to 
 go to the shore of this lake and fill his cart. Only — the salt 
 for table use has to be subjected to a boiling process.* 
 
 These are facts — susceptible of the clearest possible proof. 
 They tell one story about this lake — however — that I have my 
 doubts about. They say a Mormon farmer drove forty head 
 of cattle in there once — and they came out first- 
 rate pickled beef. 
 
 I sincerely hope you will excuse my absence 1 am a man 
 
 short — and have to work the moon myself.t 
 
 * " The Great Salt Lake." — A very general mistake prevails among those 
 not better informed, that the Mormon capital is built upon the borders of 
 the Salt Lake. There are eighteen miles of distance between them. Not 
 from any part of the city proper can a view of the lake be obtained. To 
 get a glimpse of it without journeying towards it, the traveller must ascend 
 to one of the rocky ledges in the range of mountains which back the city. 
 So saline is the water of the lake, that three pailsful of it are said to yield 
 on evaporation one pailful of salt. I never saw the experiment tried. 
 
 + "The moon myself." — Here Arterous would leave the rostrum for a 
 few moments, and pretend to be engaged behind. The picture was painted 
 for a night scene, and the effect intended to be produced was that of the 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 383 
 
 I shall be most happy to pay a good 
 
 salary to any respectable boy of good 
 
 parentage and education who is a good 
 
 moonist. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) ■ 
 
 The Endowment House.* 
 
 In. this building the Mormon is initiated into the mysteries 
 of the faith. 
 
 Strange stories are told of the proceedings which are held 
 
 in this building but I have no possible means of knowing 
 
 how true they may be. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Echo Canyon. 
 
 Salt Lake City is fifty-five miles behind us — and this is 
 Echo Canyon — in reaching which we are supposed to have 
 crossed the summit of the "Wahsatch Mountains. These ochre- 
 coloured bluffs formed of conglomerate sandstone — and 
 
 moon rising over the lake, and rippling on the waters. It was produced 
 in the usual dioramic way, by making the track of the moon transparent, 
 and throwing the moon on from the bull's eye of a lantern. When Arte- 
 mus went behind, the moon would become nervous and flickering, dancing 
 up and down in the most inartistic and undecided' manner. The result 
 was that, coupled with the lecturer's oddly-expressed apology, the " moon" 
 became one of the best laughed-at parts of the entertainment. 
 
 * "The Endowment House." — To the young ladies of Utah this edifice 
 possesses extreme interest. The Mormon ceremony of marriage is said to 
 be of the most extraordinary character ; various symbolical scenes being 
 enacted, and the bride and bridegroom invested with sacred garments which 
 they are never to part with. In all Salt Lake I could not find a person 
 who would describe to me the ceremonies of the Endowment House, nor 
 could Artemus or myself obtain admission within its mystic walls. 
 
384 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 full of fossils signal the entrance to the Canyon. At its 
 
 base lies Weber Station. 
 
 Echo Canyon is about twenty-five miles long. It is really 
 the sublimest thing between the Missouri and the Sierra Ne- 
 vada. The red wall to the left develops further up the Canyon 
 
 into pyramids — buttresses — and castles honeycombed and 
 
 fretted in nature's own massive magnificence of architecture. 
 
 In 1856 — Echo Canyon was the place selected by Brigham 
 Young for the Mormon General Wells to fortify and make im- 
 pregnable against the advance of the American army — led by 
 General Albert Sidney Johnson. It was to have been the 
 
 Thermopylae of Mormondom but it wasn 't. General 
 
 Wells was to have done Leonidas but he didn't. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 A more cheerful view of the Desert. 
 
 The wild snowstorms have left us — and we have thrown 
 our wolf-skin overcoats aside. Certain tribes of far- western 
 Indians bury their distinguished dead by placing them high 
 
 in air and covering them with valuable furs that is a very 
 
 fair representation of these mid-air tombs. Those animals are 
 
 horses 1 know they are — because my artist says so. I had 
 
 the picture two years before I discovered the fact. The 
 
 artist came to me about six months ago — and said " It is 
 
 useless to disguise it from you any longer they are 
 
 horses." * 
 
 It was while crossing this desert that I was surrounded by 
 
 a band of Ute Indians. They were splendidly mounted 
 
 they were dressed in beaver-skins and they were armed 
 
 with rifles — knives — and pistols. 
 
 What could I do ? What could a poor old orphan do t 
 
 * " They are horses." — Here again Artemus called in the aid of pleasant 
 banter as the most fitting apology for the atrocious badness of the painting. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 385 
 
 I'm a brave man. The day before the Battle of Bull's Kim 
 
 I stood in the highway while the bullets those dreadful 
 
 messengers of death w ere passing all around 
 
 me thickl y 1 n waggon S on their way to the 
 
 battlefield.* But there were too many of these Injuns 
 
 there were forty of them — and only one of me and so I 
 
 said — 
 
 " Great Chief — I surrender." His name was Wocky-bocky. 
 
 He dismounted — and approached me. I saw his tomahawk 
 glisten in the morning sunlight. Fire was in his eye. Wocky- 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 bocky came very close to me and seized me by the hair of my 
 head. He mingled his swarthy fingers with my golden tresses 
 and he rubbed his dreadful Thomashawk across my lily- 
 white face. He said — 
 
 " Torsha arrah darrah mishky bookshean ! " 
 
 I told him he was right. 
 
 Wocky-bocky again rubbed his tomahawk across my face, 
 and said — " Wink-ho — loo-boo ! " 
 
 Says I — " Mr Wocky-bocky " — says I " Wocky — I 
 
 have thought so for years — and so's all our 
 family." 
 
 He told me I must go to the tent of the Strong-Heart — and 
 eat raw dog.t It don't agree with me. I prefer simple food. 
 
 * "Their way to the battlefield." — This was the great joke of Artemus 
 Ward's first lecture, " The Babes in the Wood." He never omitted it in 
 any of his lectures, nor did it lose its power to create laughter by re- 
 petition. The audiences at the Egyptian Hall, London", laughed as im- 
 moderately at it as did those of Irving Hall, New York, or of the Tremont 
 Temple in Boston. 
 
 + " Saw dog." — While sojourning for a day in a camp of Sioux Indians, 
 we were informed that the warriors of the tribe were accustomed to eat 
 raw dog to give them courage previous to going to battle. Artemus was 
 
 2B 
 
386 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 I prefer pork-pie — because then I know what 
 I'm eating. But as raw dog was all they proposed to give 
 to me— I had to eat it or starve. So at the expiration of two 
 days I seized a tin plate and went to the chiefs daughter— 
 
 and I said to her in a silvery voice in akind of 
 
 German-silvery voic e 1 said — 
 
 " Sweet child of the forest, the pale-face wants his dog." 
 There was nothing but his paws ! Ihadpausedtoo 
 long! "Which reminds me that time passes. A way which 
 
 time baa. 
 
 I was told in my youth to seize opportunity. I once tried 
 to seize one. He was rich. He had diamonds on. As I 
 seized him — he knocked me down. Since then I have learned 
 that he who seizes opportunity sees the penitentiary. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The Eocky Mountains. 
 
 I take it for granted you have heard of these popular moun- 
 tains. In America they are regarded as a great 
 success, and we all love dearly to talk about them. It is a 
 kind of weakness with us. I never knew but one American 
 who hadn't something — sometime — to say about the Eocky 
 
 Mountains and he was a deaf and dumb man, who couldn't 
 
 say anything about nothing. 
 
 But these mountains — whose summits are snow-covered and 
 icy all the year round — are too grand to make fun of. I 
 crossed them in the winter of '64 — in a- rough sleigh drawn by 
 four mules. 
 
 This sparkling waterfall is the Laughing- Water alluded to 
 
 greatly amused with the information. When, in after years, he became 
 weak and languid, and was called upon to go to lecture, it was a favourite 
 joke with him to inquire, " Hingston, have you got any raw dog f " 
 
ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 387 
 
 by Mr Longfellow in his Indian poem — "Higher-Water." 
 The water is higher up there. 
 
 (Music.) 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 The plains of Colorado. 
 
 These are the dreary plains over which we rode for so many 
 weary days. An affecting incident occurred on these plains 
 some time since, which I am sure you will pardon me for 
 introducing here. 
 
 On a beautiful June morning — some sixteen years ago ■ 
 
 (Music, very loud till the scene is off.) 
 ***** 
 ***** 
 ***** 
 
 and she fainted on Eeginald's breast !* 
 
 The Prairie on Fire. 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 A prairie oh fire is one of the wildest and grandest sights 
 that can possibly be imagined. 
 
 * " Ore Reginald's ireast."—At this part of the lecture Artemua pre- 
 tended to tell a story — the piano playing loudly all the time. He con- 
 tinued his narration in excited dumb-show — his lips moying as though he 
 were speaking. For some minutes the audience indulged in unrestrained 
 laughter. 
 
388 ARTEMUS WARD'S LECTURE. 
 
 These fires occur — of course — in the summer — when the 
 
 grass is dry as tinder and the flames rush and roar over 
 
 the prairie in a manner frightful to behold. They usually 
 burn better than mine is burning to-night. I try to make 
 my prairie burn regularl y — a nd not dis- 
 appoint the publi c b ut it is not as 
 
 high-principled as I am.* 
 
 (Pointing to Panorama.) 
 
 Brigham Young at home. 
 
 The last picture I have to show you represents Mr Brigham 
 Young in the bosom of his family. His family is large — and 
 the olive branches around his table are in a very tangled 
 condition. He is more a father than any man 
 
 I know. When at home as you here see him h e 
 
 ought to be very happy with sixty wives 
 to minister to his comforts — and twice 
 sixty children to soothe his distracted 
 
 mind. Ah ! my friends what is home -without a family? 
 
 What will become of Mormonism? We all know and 
 
 admit it to be a hideous wrong a great immoral stain upon 
 
 the 'scutcheon of the United States. My belief is that its 
 existence is dependent upon the life of Brigham Young. His 
 
 administrative ability holds the system together his power 
 
 of will maintain it as the faith of a community. When he 
 dies — Mormonism will die too. The men who are around 
 him have neither his talent nor his energy. By means of his 
 strength it is held together. When he falls — Mormonism will 
 also fall to pieces. 
 
 * "As high-principled as I am." — The scene was a transparent one — the 
 light from behind so managed as to give the effect of the prairie on fire. 
 ArtemuB enjoyed the joke of letting the fire go out occasionally, and then 
 allowing it to relight itself. 
 
" THE TIMES" NOTICE. 389 
 
 That lion — you perceive — has a tail.* It is a long one 
 already. Like mine— it is to be continued in our next.t 
 
 * " That lion has a tail." — The lion on a pedestal, as painted in the 
 panorama- — its tail outstretched like that of the leonine adornment to 
 Northumberland House, was a pure piece of frolic on the part of the 
 entertainer. Brigham Young certainly adopts the lion as a Mormon 
 emblem. A beehive and a lion, suggestive of industry and strength, are 
 the symbols of the Mormons in Salt Lake City. 
 
 + " To be continued in our next." — To revisit Utah, and to do another 
 and a better lecture about it, was a favourite idea of Artemus Ward. 
 Another fancy that he had was to visit the stranger countries of the 
 Eastern world and find in some of them mattei for a humorous lecture. 
 While ill in Utah, he read Mr Layard's book on Nineveh, left behind at 
 the hotel by a traveller passing through Salt Lake. Mr Layard's reference 
 to the Tezedi, or " Devil-worshippers," took powerful hold on the imagina- 
 tion of the reader. During our trip home across the plains he would 
 often, sometimes in jest and sometimes in earnest, chat about a trip to 
 Asia to see the "Devil-worshippers." Naturally his inclinations were 
 nomadic, and had a longer life been granted to him I believe that he 
 would have seen more of the surface of this globe than even the generality 
 of his countrymen see, much as they are accustomed to travel. Within 
 about the same distance from Portland in England that his own birth- 
 place is from Portland in Maine, his travels came to an end. He died at 
 Southampton. His great wish was for strength to return to his home, 
 that he might die with the face of Mb own mother bending over him, and 
 in the cottage where he was born. 
 
 . . . . . . " CffiLUMQUE 
 
 ADSPIOIT ET MORIENS DULOES EEMIHISOITnK AltGOS.'' 
 
 E. P. H. 
 
 APPENDIX. 
 
 "the times" notice. 
 
 "Egyptian Hall. — Before a large audience, comprising an 
 extraordinary number of literary celebrities, Mr Artemus 
 
390 " THE TIMES' NOTICE. 
 
 Ward, the noted American humorist,, made his first appear- 
 ance as a public lecturer on Tuesday evening, the place se- 
 lected for the display of his quaint oratory being the room 
 long tenanted by Mr Arthur Sketchley. His first entrance 
 on the platform was the signal for loud and continuous laughter 
 and applause, denoting a degree of expectation which a nervous 
 man might have feared to encounter. However, his first sen- 
 tences, and the way in which they were received, amply sufficed 
 to prove that his success was certain. The dialect of Artemus 
 bears a less evident mark of the "Western "World than that of 
 many American actors, who would fain merge their own pecu- 
 liarities in the delineation of English character ; but his jokes 
 are of that true Transatlantic type, to which no nation beyond 
 the limits of the States can offer any parallel. These jokes he 
 lets fall with an air of profound unconsciousness — we may 
 almost say melancholy — which is irresistibly droll, aided as it 
 is by the effect of a figure singularly gaunt and lean and a face 
 to match. And he has found an audience by whom his caustic 
 humour is thoroughly appreciated. Not one of the odd plea- 
 santries slipped out with such imperturbable gravity misses its 
 mark, and scarcely a minute elapses at the end of which the 
 sedate Artemus is not forced to pause till the roar of mirth 
 has, subsided. There is certainly this foundation for an entente 
 cordiale between the two countries calling themselves Anglo- 
 Saxon, that the Englishman, puzzled by Yankee politics, 
 thoroughly relishes Yankee jokes, though they are not in the 
 least like his own. When two persons laugh together, they 
 cannot hate each other much so long as the laugh continues. 
 
 " The subject of Artemus Ward's lecture is a visit to the Mor- 
 mons, copiously illustrated by a series of moving pictures, not 
 much to be commended as works of art, but for the most part 
 well enough executed to give (fidelity granted) a notion of life 
 as it is among the remarkable inhabitants of Utah. Nor let 
 the connoisseur, who detects the shortcomings of some of these 
 pictures, fancy that he has discovered a flaw in the armour of 
 
" THE TIMES" NOTICE. 391 
 
 the. doughty Artemus. That astute gentleman knows their 
 worth as well as anybody else, and while he ostensibly extols 
 them, as a showman is bound to do, he every now and then 
 holds them up to ridicule in a vein of the deepest irony. -In 
 one case, a palpable error of perspective, by which a man is 
 made equal in size to a mountain, has been purposely com- 
 mitted, and the shouts of laughter that arise as soon as the 
 ridiculous picture appears is tremendous. But there is no 
 mirth in the face of Artemus ; he seems even deaf to the roar ; 
 and when he proceeds to the explanation of the landscape, he 
 touches on the ridiculous point in a slurring way that provokes 
 a new explosion. 
 
 " The particulars of the lecture we need not describe. Many 
 accounts of the Mormons, more or less credible, and all au- 
 thenticated, have been given by serious historians, and Mr 
 W. H. Dixon, who has just returned from Utah to London, is 
 said to have brought with him new stores of solid information. 
 But to most of us Mormonism is still a mystery, and under 
 those circumstances a lecturer who has professedly visited a 
 country for the sake more of picking up fun than of sifting 
 facts, and whose chief object it must be to make his narrative 
 amusing, can scarcely be accepted as an authority. We will, 
 therefore, content ourselves with stating that the lecture is 
 entertaining to such a degree that to those who seek amuse- 
 ment its brevity is its only fault ; that it is utterly free from 
 offence, though the opportunities for offence given by the 
 subject of Mormonism are obviously numerous ; and that it is 
 interspersed, not only with irresistible jokes, but with shrewd 
 remarks, proving that Artemus Ward is a man of reflection, as 
 well as a consummate humorist." 
 
392 
 
 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 PICCADILLY. 
 
 Every Night {except Saturday) at 8, 
 
 SATURDAY MORNINGS at 3. 
 
 AMONG THE MOEMONS. 
 
 During the Vacation the Hall has been carefully Swept out, and a 
 new Door-Knob has been added to the Door. 
 
 Mb Abtemus Ward will call on the Citizens of London; at tlieir residences, 
 and explain any jokes in his narrative which they may not understand. 
 
 A person of long-established integrity will take excellent care of Bonnets, 
 Cloaks, &c, during the Entertainment ; the Audience better leave their 
 money, however, with Mr Ward ; he will return it to them in a day or 
 two, or invest it for them in America, as they may think best. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 393 
 
 0* Nobody must say that he likes the Lecture unless he wishes to be 
 thought eccentric ; and nobody must say that he doesn't like it unless 
 he really is eccentric. (This requires thinking over, but it will amply 
 repay perusal.) 
 
 The Panorama used to Illustrate Mr WAED'S Narrative is 
 rather worse than Panoramas usually are. 
 
 Mr Wakd will not be responsible for any debts of his own contracting. 
 
 APPEARANCE OF ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
 Who will be greeted with applause. 6§T The Stall-keeper is particularly 
 requested to attend to this. „^ When quiet has been restored, the 
 Lecturer will present a rather frisky prologue, of about ten minutes in 
 length, and of nearly the same width. It perhaps isn't necessary to speak 
 of the depth. 
 
 IL 
 
 THE PICTURES COMMENCE HERE, the first one being a view 
 of the California Steamship. Large crowd of citizens on the wharf, who 
 appear to be entirely willing that Artemds Waed shall go. " Bless you, 
 Sir I" they say. " Don't hurry about coming back. Stay away for years, 
 if you want to ! " It was very touching. Disgraceful treatment of the' 
 passengers, who are obliged to go forward to smoke pipes, while the 
 \ steamer herself is allowed 2 Smoke Pipes amid-ships. At Panama. A 
 glance at Mexico. 
 
394 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 III. 
 
 The Land of Gold. 
 
 Montgqmery Street, San Francisco. The Gold Bricks. Street Scenes. 
 "The Orphan Cabman, or The Mule Driver's Step-Father." The Chinese 
 Theatre. Sixteen square yards of a Chinese Comic Song. 
 
 IV. 
 
 The Land of Silver. 
 
 Virginia City, the wild young metropolis of the new Silver State. For- 
 tunes are made there in a day. There are instances on record of young 
 men going to this place without a shilling — poor and friendless — yet by 
 energy, intelligence, and a careful disregard to business, they have been 
 enabled to leave there, owing hundreds of pounds. 
 
 V. 
 
 The Great Desert at Night. 
 
 A dreary waste of sand. The sand isn't worth saving, however. Indians 
 occupy yonder mountains. Little Injuns seen in the distance trundling 
 their war-whoops. 
 
 VI. 
 
 A Bird's-eye View of Great Salt 
 
 Lake City. 
 
 With some entirely descriptive talk. 
 
 VII. 
 
 Main Street, East Side. 
 
 The Salt Lake Hotel, which is conducted on Temperance principles. 
 The landlord sells nothing stronger than salt butter. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 The Mormon Theatre. 
 
 The Lady of Lyons was produced here a short time since, but failed to 
 satisfy a Mormon audience, on account of there being only one Pauline in 
 it. The play was revised at once. It was presented the next night, with 
 fifteen Paulines in the cast, and was a perfect success. igT All these 
 statements may be regarded as strictly true. Mr Ward would not deceive 
 an infant. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 395 
 
 IX. 
 
 Main Street, West Side. 
 
 This being a view of Main Street, West Side, it is naturally a view of 
 the West Side of Main Street. 
 
 X. 
 
 Brigham Young's Harem. 
 
 Mr Young is an indulgent father, and a numerous husband. For further 
 particulars call on Mr Ward, at Egyptian Hall, any Evening this Week. 
 This paragraph is intended to blend business with amusement. 
 
 XL 
 
 Heber C. Kimball's Harem. 
 
 We have only to repeat here the pleasant remarks above in regard to 
 Brigham. 
 
 INTEEMISSION OF FIVE MINUTES. 
 
 XII. 
 
 The Tabernacle. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 The Temple as it is. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 The Temple as it is to be. 
 
 xv. 
 The Great Salt Lake. 
 
396 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 XVI. 
 
 The Endowment House. 
 
 The Mormon is initiated into the mysteries of his faith here. The 
 Mormon's religion is singular, and his wires are plural. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 Echo Canyon. 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 The Desert, again. 
 
 A more cheerful view. The Tlains of Colorado. The Colorado Moun- 
 tains " might have been seen " in the distance, if the Artist had painted 
 'em. But he is prejudiced against mountains, because his uncle once got 
 lost on one. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 Brigham Young and his wives. The pretty girls of Utah mostly marry 
 Young. 
 
 XX 
 
 The Rocky Mountains. 
 
 XXI. 
 
 The Plains of Nebraska. 
 
 xxn. 
 The Prairie on Fire. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 397 
 
 KECOMMEOATIONS. 
 
 Totness, Oct. 20th, 1866. 
 Mr AHTEMVS WARD, 
 
 My dear Sir, — My wife was dangerously unwell for over sixteen 
 years. She was so weak that she could not lift a teaspoon to her mouth. 
 But in a fortunate moment she commenced reading one of your lectures. 
 She got better at once. She gained strength so rapidly that she lifted the 
 cottage piano quite a distance from the floor, and then tipped it over on to 
 her mother-in-law, with whom she had had some little trouble. We like 
 your lectures very much. Please send me a barrel of them. If you 
 should require any more recommendations you can get any number of them 
 in this place, at two shillings each, the price I charge for this one, and I 
 trust you may be ever happy. 
 
 I am, Sir, 
 Yours truly, and so is my wife, 
 
 R. SPRINGERS. 
 
 An American correspondent of a distinguished journal in Yorkshire thus 
 speaks of Mr Wabd's power as an Orator : — 
 
 " It was a grand scene, Mr Artemus Ward standing on the platform, 
 talking ; many of the audience sleeping tranquilly in their seats ; others 
 leaving the room and not returning ; others crying like a child at some of 
 the jokes — all, all formed a most impressive scene, and showed the powers 
 of this remarkable orator. And when he announced that he should never 
 lecture in that town agaiD, the applause was absolutely deafening." 
 
 Doors open at Half-past Seven, commence at Eight. 
 
 Conclude at Half-past Nine. 
 
 EVERY EVENING EXCEPT SATURDAY. 
 
 SATURDAY AFTERNOONS AT 3 p.m. 
 
398 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD, 
 
 ipfe programme. 
 
 Dodworth Hall, 806 Broadway. 
 
 OPEN EVERY EVENING. 
 
 1 . — Introductory. 
 
 2. — The steamer Arid en route. 
 
 3. — San Francisco. 
 
 4. — The Washoe Silver Region. 
 
 5.— The Plains. 
 
 6.— The City of Saints. 
 
 7. — A Mormon Hotel. 
 
 8.— Brigham Young's Theatre. 
 
 9. — The Council-House. 
 10. — The Home of Brigham Young. 
 11. — Heber C. Kimball's Seraglio. 
 12. — The Mormon House of Worship. 
 13. — Foundations of the New Temple. 
 14. — Architect's View of the Temple when finished. 
 15. — The Great Dead Sea of the Desert. 
 16. — The House of Mystery. 
 17.— The Canon. 
 18.— Mid- Air Sepulture. 
 19.— A Nice Family Party at Brigham Young's. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 399 
 
 It requires a large number of Artists to produce this Entertainment. 
 The casual observer can form no idea of the quantity of unfettered genius 
 that is soaring, like a healthy Eagle, round this Hall in connection with 
 this Entertainment. In fact, the following gifted persons compose the 
 
 Secretary of the Exterior . . . Mr E. P. Hingston. 
 
 Secretary of the Treasury . . Herr Max Field, 
 
 (Pupil of Siguor Thomaso Jacksoni.) 
 Mechanical Director and Professor of Carpentry . Signor G. Wilsoni. 
 
 Crankist ....... Mons. Aleck. 
 
 Assistant Crankist 
 Artists 
 
 Reserved Chairists 
 Moppist . 
 Broomist . 
 Hired Man 
 Fighting Editor . 
 Dutchman 
 Doortendist 
 Gas Man 
 
 Boy (orphan). 
 
 MessrB Hilliard & Maeder. 
 
 . Messrs Persee & Jerome. 
 
 . . . Signorina O'Flaherty 
 
 Mile. Topsia de St Moke. 
 
 . . . . . John. 
 
 Chevalier McArone. 
 
 By a Polish Refugee, named McFinnigin. 
 
 Mons. Jacques Ridere. 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 This Entertainment will open with music. The Soldiers' Chorus from 
 " Faust." 63° First time in this city. .J^l 
 
 Next comes a jocund and discursive preamble, calculated to show what 
 a good education the Lecturer has. 
 
 View the first is a sea-view. — Ariel navigation. — Normal school of whales 
 in the distance. — Isthmus of Panama. — Interesting interview with Old 
 Panama himself, who makes all the hats. Old Pan, is a likely sort of 
 man. 
 
 * 
 » • 
 
 San Francisco. — City with a vigilant government. — Miners allowed to 
 
 vote. Old inhabitants so rich that they have legs with golden calves to 
 
 them. 
 
400 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 Town in the Silver region. — Good quarters to be found there. — Playful 
 population, fond of high-low-jack and homicide. — Silver lying around loose. 
 — Thefts of it termed silver-guilt. 
 
 The Plains in Winter. — A wild Moor, like Othello. — Mountains in the 
 distance forty thousand miles above the level of the highest sea (Musiani's 
 chest G included). — If you don't believe this you can go there and measure 
 them for yourself. 
 
 Mormondom, sometimes called the City of the Plain, but wrongly ; the 
 women are quite pretty. — View of Old Poly Gamy's house, &c. 
 
 The Salt Lake Hotel Stage just come in from its overland route and 
 
 retreat from the Indians. — Temperance house. — No bar nearer than Salt 
 Lake sandbars. — Miners in shirts like Artemus Ward his Programme — 
 they are read and will wash. 
 
 Mormon Theatre, where Artemus Ward lectured. — Mormons like 
 theatricals, and had rather go to the Play-house than to the Work- 
 house, any time. — Private boxes reserved for the ears of Brother Brigham's 
 wives. 
 
 Intermission of jfr'&e JHtntttes. 
 
 Territorial State-House. — Seat of the Legislature. —About as fair a col- 
 lection as that at Albany — and we " can't say no fairer than that" 
 
 Residence of Brigham Yo,ung and his wives. — Two hundred souls with 
 but a single thought, Two hundred hearts that beat as one. 
 
ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 401 
 
 Seraglio of Heber C. Kimball. — Home of the Queens of Heber. — No re- 
 atives of the Queen of Sheba. — They are a nice gang of darlings. 
 
 Mormon Tabernacle, where the men espouse Mormonism and the women 
 espouse Brother Brigham and his Elders as spiritual Physicians, convicted 
 of bad doct'rin. 
 
 Foundations of the Temple. — Beginning of a healthy little job. — Temple 
 to enclose all out-doors, and be paved with gold at a premium. 
 
 The Temple when finished. — Mormon idea of a meeting-house. — N.B. 
 It will be bigger, probably, than Dodwortb Hall. — One of the figures in 
 the foreground is intended for Heber C. Kimball. — You can see, by the 
 expression of his back, that ho is thinking what a great man Joseph 
 Smith was. 
 
 The Great Salt Lake. — Water actually thick with salt — too saline to sail 
 in. — Mariners rocked on the bosom of this deep with rock salt. — The water 
 isn't very good to drink. 
 
 House where Mormons are initiated. — Very secret and mysterious cere- 
 monies. — Anybody can easily find out all about them though, by going out 
 there and becoming a Mormon. 
 
 Echo Canon. — A rough bluff sort of affair. — Great Echo. — When Arte- 
 mus Ward went through, he heard the echoes ot Borne things the Indians 
 said there about four years and a half ago. 
 
 The Plains again, with some noble savages, both in the live and dead 
 state.— The dead one on the high shelf was killed in a Fratricidal Struggle. 
 —They are always having Fratricidal Struggles out in that line of country. 
 — It would be a good place for an enterprising Coroner to locate 
 
 2c 
 
402 ORIGINAL PROGRAMME. 
 
 # # 
 
 Brigham Young surrounded by his wives.— These ladies are simply too 
 numerous to mention. 
 
 eS° Those of the audience who do not feel offended with Artemus 
 Ward are cordially invited to call upon him, often, at his fine new house in 
 Brooklyn. His house is on the right hand side as you cross the Ferry, 
 and may easily be distinguished from the other houses by its having a 
 Cupola and a Mortgage on it. 
 
 * # 
 
 gg" Soldiers on the battle-field will be admitted to this Entertainment 
 gratis. 
 
 *- 
 
 # * 
 
 lET The Indians on the Overland Eoute live on Routes and Herbs. 
 They are an intemperate people. They drink with impunity, or anybody 
 who invites them. 
 
 ' Artemus Ward delivered Lectures before 
 
 ALL THE CROWNED HEADS OF EUROPE 
 
 ever thought of delivering lectures. 
 
 TICKETS 50 cents. RESERVED CHAIRS 1 dol. 
 
 Doors open at 7.30 P.M. ; Entertainment to commence at 8. 
 
 I®" The Piano used is from the celebrated factory of Messrs Chickek- 
 ing & Sons, 653 Broadway. 
 
 The Cabinet Organ is from the famous factory of Messrs Mason & 
 Hamlin, Boston, and is furnished by Mason Brothers, 7 Mercer Street, 
 New York.. 
 
AUTOGRAPH OF ARTEMUS WARD. 403 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON, 
 
 AND OTHER HUMOROUS PAPERS. 
 
THE LATE 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
 A few copies of a Bust of this inimitable humorist 
 having been prepared by Geflowski, the sculptor, for 
 some personal friends, Mr HOTTEN is permitted to 
 i take a select number of Subscribers' names for single 
 copies. 
 
 The Price to Subscribers is 2ls. ; or with Glass 
 Shade and Stand, 2$s. Sent carriage free on receipt of 
 Post- Office Order. 
 
 The Bust is about Twelve Inches high. 
 
 74 & 75 PICCADILLY, LONDON. 
 
INTRODUCTORY. 
 
 " A RTEMUS WARD IN LONDON" is chiefly formed of a 
 J~\. series of eight papers written for Punch by Mr Charles 
 F. Browne (Artemus Ward) in the summer and autumn of 
 1866. Shortly after he arrived in this country Artemus Ward 
 was engaged by Mr Mark Lemon to contribute to the leading 
 comic journal of the metropolis. The articles were written 
 when health was failing the writer, and when sad thoughts 
 mingled with his most humorous fancies. The last two or 
 three papers of the series were the result of considerable effort ; 
 they were", penned at a time when labour was irksome, and 
 even to think was troublesome to the thinker. Hence they 
 lack in that rollicking humour which characterised the writer's 
 earlier efforts, but are rich in shrewd remark and genial sar- 
 casm. The paper entitled " A Visit to the British Museum " 
 is the last published paper of Artemus Ward. The " sunny 
 spring-time of my life/' to which he refers in the concluding 
 paragraph, had passed away from him for ever, and the winter 
 of the grave was opening to his view. To write for Punch had 
 been his ambition many years before he came to London. 
 That ambition was realised ; but with its realisation came the 
 accomplishment of his career — 
 
 " But the fair guerdon when we hope to find, 
 And think to hurst out into sudden blaze, 
 Comes the blind fury with the abhorred shears, 
 And slits the thin-spun life." 
 
408 INTRODUCTORY. 
 
 The article entitled " Pyrotechny " first appeared in a Christ- 
 mas annual bearing the name of The Five Alls, edited by Mr 
 Tom Hood, and published by Messrs Warne & Co. The 
 humorous effusion to which the title of "The Negro Ques- 
 tion" is affixed was contributed to the Savage Club Papers, 
 edited by Mr Halliday, and published by Messrs Tinsley. 
 Both articles are here reprinted with the permission of the 
 original publishers. 
 
 E. P. H. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD IN LONDON. 
 
 ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 
 
 Mr Punch, — My Dear Sir, — You prob'ly didn't meet 
 my uncle "Wilyim when he was on these shores. I jedge 
 so from the fack that his pursoots wasn't litrary. Com- 
 merce, which it has been trooly observed by a statesman, 
 or somebody, is the foundation stone onto which a nation's 
 greatness rests, glorious Commerce was Uncle Wilyim's fort. 
 He sold soap. It smelt pretty, and redily commanded two 
 pents a cake. I 'm the only litrary man in our fam'ly. It is 
 troo, I once had a dear cuzzun who wrote 22 versis onto_ " A 
 Child who nearly Died of the Measles, ! " but as he injoodi- 
 ciously introjuced a chorious at the end of each stanzy, the 
 parrents didn't like it at all. The father in particler wept 
 afresh, assaulted my cuzzun, and said he never felt so ridicklus 
 in his intire life. The onhappy result was that my cuzzun 
 abandind poetry for ever, and went back to shoemakin, a 
 shattered man. 
 
 My Uncle Wilyim disposed of his soap, and returned to his 
 nativ land with a very exolted opinyin of the British public. 
 " It is a edycated community," said he ; " they 're a intellec- 
 tooal peple. In one small village alone I sold 50 cakes of 
 soap, incloodin barronial halls, where they offered me a ducal 
 coronet, but I said no — give it to the poor." This was the 
 
410 ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 
 
 way Uncle Wilyim went on. He told us, however, some 
 stories that was rather too much to be easily swallerd. In 
 fack, my Uncle "Wilyim was not a emblem of trooth. He 
 retired some years ago on a hansum comptency derived from 
 the insurance-money he received on a rather shaky skooner he 
 owned, and which turned up while lyin at a wharf one night, 
 the cargo havin fortnitly been remooved the day afore the dis- 
 astriss calamty occurd. Uncle Wilyim said it was one of the 
 most sing'ler things he ever heard of ; and, after collectin the 
 insurance-money, he bust into a flood of tears, and retired to 
 his farm in Pennsylvany. He was my uncle by marriage only. 
 I do not say that he wasn't a honest man. I simply say that 
 if you have a uncle, and bitter experunce tells you it is more 
 profitable in a pecoonery pint of view to put pewter spoons 
 instid of silver ones onto the table when that uncle dines with 
 you in a frenly way — I simply say, there is sumtbun wrong in 
 our social sistim, which calls loudly for reform. 
 
 I 'rived on these shores at Liverpool, and proceeded at once 
 to London. I stopt at the Washington Hotel in Liverpool, 
 because it was named after a countryman of mine who didn't 
 get his living by makin mistakes, and whose mem'ry is dear 
 to civilised peple all over the world, because he was gentle and 
 good as well as trooly great. We read in Histry of any num- 
 ber of great individooals, but how few of 'em, alars ! should 
 we want to take home to supper with us ! Among others, I 
 would call your attention to Alexander the Great, who con- 
 kered the world, and wept because he couldn't do it sum more, 
 and then took to gin-and-seltzer, gettin tight every day afore 
 dinner with the most disgustin reg'larity, causin his parunts to 
 regret they hadn't 'prenticed him in his early youth to a biskit- 
 baker, or some other occupation of a peaceful and quiet char- 
 acter. I say, therefore, to the great men now livin (you could 
 put 'em all into Hyde Park, by the way, and still leave room 
 for a large and respectable concourse of rioters) — be good. ,1 
 say to that gifted but bald-heded Prooshun, Bismarck, be good 
 
ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 411 
 
 and gentle in your hour of triump. I always am. I admit 
 that our lines is different — Bismarck's and mine ; but the same 
 globus principle is involved. I am a exhibiter of startlin 
 curiositys, wax works, snaix, etsetry (" either of whom," as a 
 American statesman whose name I ain't at liberty to mention 
 for perlitercal resins, as he expecks to be a candidate for a 
 prom'nent offiss, and hence doesn't wish to excite the rage and 
 jelisy of other showmen — " either of whom is wuth dubble the 
 price of admission ") ; I say I am a exhibiter of startlin curi- 
 ositys, and I also have my hours of triump, but I try to be 
 good in 'em. If you say, " Ah, yes, but also your hours of 
 grief and misfortin;" I answer, it is troo : and you prob'ly 
 refer to thecircumstans of my hirin a young man of dissypated 
 habits to fix hisself up as A real Cannibal from New Zeelan, 
 and when I was simply tellin the audience that he was the 
 most feroshus Cannibal of his tribe, and that, alone and un- ' 
 assisted, he had et sev'ril of our fellow-countrymen, and that 
 he had at one time even contemplated eatin his Uncle Thomas 
 on his mother's side, as. well as other near and dear relatives, 
 — when I was makin these simple statements, the mis'ble 
 young man said I was a Iyer, and knockt me off the platform. 
 Not quite satisfied with this, he cum and trod hevily on me, 
 and as he was a very musculer person, and wore remarkable 
 thick boots, I knew at once that a canary bird wasn't walkin 
 over me. 
 
 I admit that my ambition overlept herself in this instuns 
 and I 've been very careful ever since to deal square with the 
 public. If I was the public I should insist on squareness, tho' 
 I shouldn't do as a portion of my audience did on the occasion 
 jest mentioned, which they was emplyed in sum naberin coal 
 mines. 
 
 " As you hain't got no more Cannybals to show us, old 
 man," said pne of 'em, who seemed to be a kind of leader 
 among 'em — a tall dis'greeble skoundril — " as you seem to be 
 out of Cannybals, we '11 sorter look round here and fix things. 
 
412 ARRIVAL IN LONDON. 
 
 Them wax figgers of yours want washin. There 's Napoleon 
 Bonyparte and Julius Csesar — they must have a bath," with 
 which coarse and brutal remark he imitated the shrill war-hoop 
 of the western savige, and, assisted by his infamus coal-heavin 
 companyins, he threw all my wax-work into the river, and let 
 my wild bears loose to pray on a peaceful and inoffensive 
 agricultooral community. 
 
 Leavin Liverpool (I 'm goin back there tho' — I want to see 
 the Docks, which I heard spoken of at least once while I was 
 there), I cum to London in a 1st class car, passin the time very 
 agreeable in discussin, with a countryman of mine, the cele- 
 brated Schleswig-Holstein question. We took that int'resting 
 question up and carefully traced it from the time it commenced 
 being so down to the present day, when my countryman, at 
 the close of a four hours' annymated debate, said he didn't 
 know anything about it himself, and he wanted to know if I 
 did. I told him that I did not. He 's at Eamsgate now, and 
 I am to write him when I feel like givin him two days in 
 which to discuss the question of negro slavery in America. 
 But now I do not feel like it. 
 
 London at last, and I 'm stoppin at the Green Lion tavern. 
 I like the lan'lord very much indeed. He had fallen into a few 
 triflin errers in regard to America — he was under the impres- 
 sion, for instance, that we et hay over there, and had horns 
 growin out of the back part of our heads — but his chops and 
 beer is ekal to any I ever pertook. You must cum and see 
 me, and bring the boys. I 'm told that Garrick used to cum 
 here; but I'm growin skeptycal about Garrick's favorit 
 taverns. I 've had over 500 public - houses pinted out 
 to me where Garrick went. I was indooced one night, 
 by a seleck comp'ny of Britons, to visit sum 25 public- 
 houses, and they confidentially told me that Garrick used to 
 go to each one of 'em. Also, Dr Johnson. This won't do, 
 you know. 
 
 May be I've rambled a bit in this communycation. I'll 
 
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 413 
 
 try and be more collected in my next, and meanwhile b'lieve 
 me Trooly Yours, 
 
 Aetemus Ward. 
 
 II. 
 
 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 You 'LL be glad to learn that I 've made a good irhpression 
 onto the mind of the lan'lord of the Green Lion tavern. He 
 made a speech about me last night. Bisin in the bar, he spoke 
 as rollers, there bein over 20 individooals present : — 
 
 " This North American has been a inmate of my 'ouse over 
 two weeks, yit he hasn't made no attempt to scalp any member 
 of my fam'ly. He hasn't broke no cups or sassers, or furnitur 
 of any kind. [Hear, hear.) I find I can trust him with lited 
 candles. He eats his wittles with a knife and fork. Peple of 
 this kind should be encurridged. I purpose 'is 'elth ! " (Loud 
 'plaws.) 
 
 What could I do but modestly get up and express a fervint 
 hope that the Atlantic Cable would bind the two countries 
 still more clostly together 1 The lan'lord said my speech was 
 full of orig'nality, but his idee was the old stage coach was 
 more safer, and he tho't peple would indors that opinyin in 
 doo time. 
 
 I 'm gettin on exceedin well in London. I see now, how- 
 ever, that I made a mistake in orderin my close afore I left 
 home. The trooth is, the taler in our little villige owed me 
 for a pig, and I didn't see any other way of gettin my pay. 
 Ten years ago these close would no doubt have been fash'nable, 
 and perhaps they would be ekally sim'lar ten year hens. But 
 now they're diff'rently. The taler said he know'd they was 
 all right, because he had a brother in "Wales who kept him 
 informed about London fashins regular. This was a infamus 
 
414 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 falsehood. But as the ballud says (which I heard a gen'Pman 
 in a new soot of black close and white kid gloves sing t'other 
 night), Never don't let us Despise a Man because he wears a 
 Kaggid Coat ! I don't know as we do, by the. way, tho' we 
 gen'rally get out of his way pretty rapid ; prob'ly on account 
 of the pity which tears our boosums for his onhappy con- 
 dition. 
 
 This last remark is a sirkastic and witherin thrust at them 
 blotid peple who live in gilded saloons. I tho't I 'd explaia 
 my meanin to you. I frekently have to explain the meanin 
 of my remarks. I know one man — and he 's a man of varid 
 'complishments — who often reads my articles over 20 times 
 afore he can make anything of 'em at all. Our skool- 
 master to home says this is a pecoolerarity of geneyus. My 
 wife says it is a pecoolerarity of infernal nonsens. She 's a 
 exceedin practycal woman. I luv her muchly, however, and 
 humer her little ways. It's a recklis falshood that she he- 
 pecks me ; and the young man in our neighbourhood who said 
 to me one evenin, as I was mistenin my diafram with a' gentle 
 cocktail at the villige tavun — who said to me. in these very 
 langwidge, " G-o home, old man, onless you desires to have 
 another teapot throwd at you by B. J.," prob'ly regrets havin 
 said so. 
 
 I said, " Betsy Jane is my wife's front name, gentle yooth, 
 and I permits no person to allood to her as B. J. outside of 
 the family circle, of which I am it principally myself. Your 
 other observation I scorn and disgust, and I must polish you 
 off." 
 
 He was a able-bodied young man, and, remoovin his coat, 
 he inquired if I wanted to be ground to powder. I said, Yes: 
 if there was a Powder-grin dist handy, nothin would 'ford me 
 greater pleasure, when he struck me a painful blow into my 
 right eye, causin me to make a rapid retreat into the fire-place. 
 I hadn't no idee that the enemy was so well organised. But 
 I rallied and went for him, in a rayther vigris style for my 
 
PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 415 
 
 time of life. His parunts lived near by, and I will simply 
 state 15 minits had only elapst after the first act, when he 
 was carried home on a shutter. His mama met the solium 
 procession at the door, and after keerfully looking her orfspring 
 over, she said : 
 
 " My son, I see how it is distinctually. You 've been foolin 
 round a Thrashin Masheen. You went in at the place where 
 they put the grain in, cum out with the straw, and you got up 
 into the thingamyjig, and let the horses tred on you, didn't 
 you, my son 1 " 
 
 The pen of no livin Orthur could describe that disfortnit 
 young man's sittywation more clearer. But I was sorry for 
 him, and I went and nussed him till he got well. His reglar 
 original father being absent to the war, I told him I 'd be a 
 father to him myself. He smilt a sickly smile, and said I 'd 
 already been wuss than two fathers to him. 
 
 I will here obsarve that fitin orter be alius avided, excep in 
 extreem cases. My principle is, if a man smites me on the 
 right cheek I '11 turn my left to him, prob'ly ; but if he in- 
 sinooates that my gran'mother wasn't all right, I '11 punch his 
 hed. But fitin is mis'ble bisniss, gen'rally speakin, and when- 
 ever any enterprisin countryman of mine cums over here to 
 scoop up a Briton in the prize ring, I 'm alius excessively 
 tickled when he gets scooped hisself, which it is a sad fack 
 has thus far been the case — my only sorrer bein that t'other 
 feller wasn't scooped likewise. It's diff'rently with scullin 
 boats, which is a manly sport ; and I can only explain Mr 
 Hamil's resunt defeat in this country on the grounds that he 
 wasn't used to British water. I hope this explanation will be 
 entirely satisfact'ry to all. 
 
 As I remarked afore, I 'm gettin on well. I 'm aware that 
 I 'm in the great metrop'lis of the world, and it doesn't make 
 me onhappy to admit the fack. A man is a ass who dispoots 
 it. That 's all that ails him. I know there is sum peple who 
 cum over here and snap and snarl 'bout this and that : I know 
 
4i 6 PERSONAL RECOLLECTIONS. 
 
 one man who says it is a shame and a disgraice that St Paul's 
 Church isn't a older edifiss ; he says it should be years and 
 even ages older than it is ; hut I decline to hold myself respon- 
 sible for the conduck of this idyit simply because he's my 
 countryman. I spose every civ'lised land is endowed with its 
 full share of gibberin idyits, and it can't be helpt — leastways I 
 can't think of any effectooal plan of helpin it. 
 
 I 'm a little sorry you 've got politics over here, but I shall 
 not diskuss 'em with nobody. Tear me to peaces with wild 
 omnibuss hosses, and I won't diskuss 'em. I 've had quite 
 enuff of 'em at home, thank you. I was at Birmingham 
 t' other night, and went to the great meetin for a few minits. 
 I hadn't been in the hall long when a stern lookin artisan said 
 to me : 
 
 " You ar from "Wales ? " 
 
 No, I told him I didn't think I was. A hidgyis tho't flasht 
 over me. It was of that onprincipled taler, and I said, " Has 
 my clothin a Welchy appearance 1 " 
 
 " Not by no means," he answered, and then he said, " And 
 what is your opinyin of the present crisis ? " 
 
 I said, " I don't zackly know. Have you got it very bad ? " 
 
 He replied, " Sir, it is sweepin over England like a Cymoon 
 of the Desert ! " 
 
 " Wall," I said, " let it sweep ! " 
 
 He ceased me by the arm and said, " Let us glance at hist'ry. 
 It is now some two thousand years " 
 
 " Is it, indeed 1 " I replied. 
 
 " Listin ! " he fiercely cried ; " it is only a little over two 
 thousand years since " 
 
 " Oh, bother ! " I remarkt ; " let us go out and git some 
 beer." 
 
 " No, sir. I want no gross and sensual beer. I'll not move 
 from this spot till I can vote. Who ar you 1 " 
 
 I handed him my card, which, in addition to my name, con- 
 tains a elabrit description of my show. 
 
THE GREEN LION &= OLIVER CROMWELL. 417 
 
 " Now, sir," I proudly said, " you know me ? " 
 
 " I sollumly swear," he sternly replied, " that I never heard 
 of you, or your show, in my life ! " 
 
 " And this man," I cried, bitterly, " calls hisself a intelligent 
 man, and thinks he orter be allowed to vote ! What a holler 
 mockery ! " 
 
 I've no objection to ev'ry intelligent man votin if he wants 
 to. It 's a pleasant amoosement, no doubt ; but there is those 
 whose igrance is so dense and loathsum that they shouldn't be 
 trusted with a ballit any more 'n one of my trained serpunts 
 should be trusted with a child to play with. 
 
 I went to the station with a view of returnin to town on 
 the cars. 
 
 " This way, sir," said the guard ; " here you ar." 
 
 And he pinted to a first-class carrige, the sole ockepant of 
 which was a rayther prepossessin female of 30 summers. 
 
 " No, I thank you," I ernestly replied ; " I prefer to walk." 
 
 I am, dear Sir, very respectivly yours, 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 III. 
 
 THE GREEN LION AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 
 
 Mr Punch,— My Dear Sir,— It is now two weeks since a 
 rayther strange lookin man engaged 'partments at the Green 
 Lion. He stated he was from the celebrated United States, 
 but beyond this he said nothin. He seem'd to prefer sollytood. 
 He remained mostly in his room, and whenever he did show 
 hisself he walkt in a moody and morose manner in the garding, 
 with his hed bowed down and his arms foldid across his brest. 
 He reminded me sumwhat of the celebrated but onhappy Mr 
 Holler, in the cheerful play of The Stranger. This man puzzled 
 me. I'd been puzzled afore several times, but never so severally 
 
 2d 
 
4 i8 THE GREEN LION 
 
 as now. Mine Ost of the Green Lion said I must interrogate 
 this strange bein, who claimed to be my countryman. 
 
 " He hasn't called for a drop of beer since he 's been in this 
 ere Ouse," said the landlord. " I look to you," he added, " to 
 clear up this dark, this orful mistry ! " 
 
 I wringed the lan'lord's honest hand, and told him to con- 
 sider the mistry cleared up. 
 
 I gained axes to the misterus bein's room, and by talkin 
 sweet to him for a few minits, I found out who he was. Then 
 returnin to the lan'lord, who was nervisly pacin up and down 
 the bar, I said : 
 
 " Sweet Eolando, don't tremble no more ! I 've torn the 
 marsk from the hawty stranger's face, and dived into the 
 recesses of his inmost sole ! He 's a Trans-Mejim !" 
 
 I 'd been to the Beefanham theatre the previs evenin, and 
 probly the drammer I saw affected me, because I 'm not in the 
 habit of goin on as per above. I like the Beefanham theatre 
 very much indeed, because there a enthoosiastic lover of the 
 theatre like myself can unite the legitermit drammer with fish. 
 Thus, while your enrapterd soul drinks in the lorfty and noble 
 sentences of the gifted artists, you can eat a biled mack'ril jest 
 as comfor'bly as in your own house. I felt constrained, how- 
 ever, to tell a fond mother who sot immegitly behind me, and 
 who was accompanied by a gin bottle and. a young infant — I 
 felt constraned to tell that mother, when ber infant playfully 
 mingled a rayther oily mack'ril with the little hair which is 
 left on my vener'ble hed, that I had a bottle of scented hair 
 oil at home, which on the whole I tho't I preferred to that 
 which her orfspring was greasin me with. This riled the 
 excellent female, and she said : 
 
 " Git out ! you never was f a infank yourself, I spose ! Oh, 
 no I You was too good to be a infank, you was ! You slid 
 into the world all ready grow'd, didn't you 1 Git out ! " 
 
 " No, madam," I replied, " I too was once a infant ! I was 
 a luvly child! Peple used to come in large and enthoosiastic 
 
AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 4'9 
 
 crowds from all parts of the country to see me, I was such a 
 sweet and intel'gent infant. The excitement was so intens, in 
 fack, that a extra hotel was startid in the town to accommo- 
 date the peple who thronged to my cradle." Having finished 
 these troothful statemints, I smilt sweetly on the worthy 
 female. She said : 
 
 " Drat you ! what do you come a-chaffin me for 1 " 
 
 And the estymible woman was really gettin furis, when I 
 mollyfied her by praisin her child, and by axin pardin for all 
 I 'd said. 
 
 " This little gal," I observed, " this surprisingly luvly gal — " 
 when the mother said, 
 
 " It 's t' other sect is he, sir ; it 's a boy.' 7 
 
 " Wall," I said, " then this little boy, whose eye is like a 
 eagle a-soaring proudly in the azure sky, will some day be a 
 man, if he don't choke hisself to death in childhood's sunny 
 hours with a smelt or a bloater, or some other drefful calamity. 
 How surbKme the tho't, my dear madam, that this infant as 
 you fondle on your knee on this night, may grow up into a 
 free and independent citizen, whose vote will be worth from 
 ten to fifteen pounds, accordin as suffrages may range at that 
 ioyus perid ! " 
 
 Let us now return, jentle reader, to the lan'lord of the Green 
 Lion, who we left in the bar in a state of anxiety and perspire. 
 Kubbin his hot face with a red hankercher, he said : 
 
 " Is the strange bein a American ]" 
 
 " He is." 
 
 " A Gen'ral ? " 
 
 " No." 
 
 "A Colonial?" 
 
 " No." 
 
 "AMajer?" 
 
 " Not a Majer." 
 
 "ACaptingl" " 
 
 " He is not." 
 
420 THE GREEN LION 
 
 "AleftenanU" 
 
 " Not even that." 
 
 " Then," said the lan'lord of the Green Lion, " you are de- 
 ceeved ! He is no countryman of yours." 
 
 "Why not?" I said. 
 
 " I will tell, you, sir," said the lan'lord. " My son- in law is 
 employed in a bankin house where eVry American as comes to 
 these shores goes to get his drafts casht, and he says that not 
 one has arrived on these shores durin the last 18 months as 
 wasn't a Gen'ral, a Colonial, a Majer, a Capting, or a leftenant ! 
 This man, as I said afore, has deceeved you ! He 's a im- 
 postuer ! " 
 
 I reeled" into a chair. For a minit I was speechlis. At 
 length I murmerd, " Alars ! I fear it is too troo ! Even I was 
 a Capting of the Home Gards." 
 
 " To he sure,"" said the lan'lord ; " you all do it, over there." 
 
 " Wall," I said, " whatever nation this person belongs to, we 
 may as well go and hear him lectur this evenin. He is one of 
 these spirit fellers — a Trans-Mejim, and -when he slings himself 
 into a trans-state, he says the sperrits of departed great men 
 talk through him. He says that to-night sev'ril em'nent per- 
 sons will speak through him — among others, Cromwell." 
 
 " And this Mr Cromwell — is he dead 1 " said the lan'lord. 
 
 I told him that Oliver was no more. 
 
 " It 's a umbug," said the lan'lord ; to which I replied that 
 we 'd best go and see, and we went. We was late, on account 
 of the lan'lord's extensiv acquaintans with the public-house 
 keepers along the road, and the hall was some two miles dis- 
 tant, but we got there at last. The hall was about half full, 
 and the Mejim was just then assumin to be Benjamin Franklin, 
 who was speakin about the Atlantic Cable. 
 
 He said the Cable was really a merrytorious affair, and that 
 messiges could be sent to • America, and there was no doubt 
 about their gettin there in the course of a week or two, which 
 he said was a beautiful idear, and much quicker than by 
 
AND OLIVER CROMWELL. 421 
 
 steamer or canal-boat. It struck me that if this was Franklin, 
 a spiritooal life hadn't improved the old gentleman's intellecks 
 particly. 
 
 The audiens was mostly composed of rayther pale peple, 
 whose eyes I tho't rolled round in a somewhat wild manner. 
 But they was well-behaved, and the females kept saying, 
 " How beautiful ! What a surblime thing it is," et cetry, et 
 cetry. Among the females was one who was a fair and rosy 
 young woman. She sot on the same seat we did, and the 
 lan'lbrd of the Green Lion, whose frekent intervoos with other 
 lan'lords that evenin had been too much for him, fastened his 
 left eye on the fair and rosy young person, and smilin lovingly 
 upon her, said : 
 
 " You may give me, my dear, four-penny-worth of gin — 
 cold gin. I take it cold, because " 
 
 There was cries of " Silence ! Shame ! Put him out ! the 
 Skoffer ! " 
 
 "Ain't we at the Spotted Boar?" the lan'lord hoarsely 
 whispered. 
 
 " No," I answered, " it 's another kind of bore. Lis'en. 
 Cromwell is goin' to speak through our inspired fren', now." " 
 
 " Is he 1 " said the lan'lord—" is he ? Wall, I 've suthin to 
 say, also. Was this Cromwell a licensed vittler % " 
 
 " Not that I ever heard," I anserd. 
 
 " I 'm sorry for that," said the lan'lord with a sigh ; " but 
 you think he was a man who would wish to see licensed 
 vittlers respected in their rights 1 " 
 
 " No doubt." 
 
 " Wall," said the lan'lord, "jest you keep a eye on me.'' 
 
 Then rising to his feet he said, in a somewhat husky yet 
 tol'bly distink voice, " Mr Crumbwell ! " 
 
 " Cromwell ! " I cried. 
 
 " Yes, Mr Cromwell : that 's the man I mean, Mr Cromble ! 
 won't you please advise that genTman who you're talkin 
 through — won't you advise 'm during your elekant speech to 
 
422 A T THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 settle his "bill at my 'ouse to-night, Mr Crumbles," said the 
 lan'lord, glarin' savigely round on the peple ; " because if he 
 don't, there '11 be a punched 'ed to be seen at the Green Lion, 
 where I don't want no more of this everlastin nonsens. I'll 
 talk through 'im. Here 's a sperrit," said the lan'lord, a smile 
 once more beamin on his face, " which will talk through, him 
 lil?e a Dutch father ! I 'm the sperrit for you, young feller ! " 
 
 " You 're a helthy old sperret," I remarkt ; and then I saw 
 the necessity of gettin him out of the hall. The wimin was 
 yellin and screamin, and the men was hollerin perlice. A per- 
 licemen really came and collerd my fat fren. 
 
 " It 's only a fit, Sir Eichard," I said. I always call the perlice 
 Sir Richard. It pleases them to. think I 'm the victim of a de- 
 loosion ; and they always treat me perlitely. This one did, 
 certainly, for he let us go. "We saw no more of ih$ Trans-Mejim. 
 
 It's diffikilt, of course, to say how long these noosances will 
 be allowed to prowl round. I should say, however, if pressed 
 for a answer, that they will prob'ly continner on jest about as 
 long as they can find peple to lis' en to 'em. Am I right ?— 
 Yours faithfull, Aetemus Ward. 
 
 IV. 
 
 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 Mr Punch,— My Dear Sir,— I Ve been lingerin by the Tomb 
 of the lamentid Shakspeare. 
 
 It is a success. 
 
 I do not hes'tate to pronounce it as such. 
 
 You may make any use of this opinion that you see fit. If 
 you think its publication will subswerve the cause of littera- 
 toor, you may publicate it. 
 
 I told my wife Betsy when I left home that I should go to 
 the birthplace of the orthur of Otheller and other Plays. She 
 
AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 423 
 
 said that as long as I kept out of Newgate she didn't care 
 "where I went. 
 
 " But," I said, " don't you know 'he was the greatest Poit 
 that ever lived 1 Not one of these common poits, like that 
 young idyit who writes verses to our daughter, about the Eoses 
 ias growses, and the Breezes as blowses — but a Boss Poit — also 
 a man who knew a great deal about everything." , 
 
 She was packing my things at the time, and the only an- 
 swer she made was to ask me if I was goin to carry both of 
 my red flannel nightcaps. 
 
 Yes. I 've been to Stratford onto the Avon, the Birthplace 
 of Shakspeare. Mr S. is now no more. He 's been dead over 
 three hundred (300) years. The peple of his native town are 
 justly proud of him. They cherish his mem'ry, and them as 
 sell picture of his birthplace, &c, make it prof'tible cherishin 
 it. Almost everybody buys a pictur to put into their 
 Albiom. 
 
 As I stood gazing on the spot where Shakspeare is s'posed 
 to have fell down on the ice and hurt hisself when a boy (this 
 spot cannot be bought — the town authorities say it shall never 
 be taken from Stratford), I wondered if three hundred years 
 hence picturs of my birthplace will be in demand ? Will the 
 peple of my native town be proud of me in three hundred 
 years ? I guess they won't short of that time, because they 
 say the fat man weighing 1000 pounds which I exhibited there 
 was stuffed out with pillers and cushions, which he said one 
 very hot day in July, " Oh bother, I can't stand this," and 
 commenced pullin the pillers out from under his weskit, and 
 heavin 'em at the audience. I never saw a man lose flesh so 
 fast in my life. The audience said I was a pretty man to come 
 chiselin my own townsmen in that way. I. said, " Do not be 
 angry, feller- citizens. I exhibited him simply as a work of 
 art. I simply wished to show you that a man could grow fat 
 without the aid of cod-liver oil." But they wouldn't listen 
 to me. They are a low and grovelin set of peple, who excite a 
 
424 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 feelin of loathin in every brest where lorfty emotions and ori- 
 ginal idees have a bidin place. 
 
 I stopped at Leamington a few minutes on my way to Strat- 
 ford onto the Avon, and a very beautiful town it is. I went j 
 into a shoe shop to make a purchis, and as I entered I saw • 
 over the door those dear familiar words, " By Appintment : 
 H.E.H. ; " and I said to the man, " Squire, excuse me, but this 
 is too much. I have seen in London four hundred boot and 
 shoe shops by Appintment : H.E.H. ; and now you 're at it. It 
 is simply onpossible that the Prince can wear 400 pairs of boots. 
 Don't tell me," I said, in a voice choked with emotion — " Oh, 
 do not tell me, that you also make boots for him. Say slippers 
 — say that you mend a boot now and then for him ; but do not 
 tell me that you make 'em reg'lar for him." 
 
 The man . smilt, and said I didn't understand these things. 
 He said I perhaps had not noticed in London that dealers in 
 all sorts of articles was By Appintment. I said, " Oh, hadn't 
 I ? " Then a sudden thought flasht over me. " I have it ! " I 
 said. " When the Prince walks through a street, he no doubt 
 looks at the shop windows." 
 
 The man said, " No doubt." 
 
 " And the enterprisin tradesman," I continner$, " the 
 moment the Prince gets out of sight, rushes frantically and 
 has a tin sign painted, By Appintment : H.E.H. !.* It is a 
 beautiful, a great idee ! " ; . 
 
 I then bought a pair of shoe strings, and wringin the shop- 
 man's honest hand, I started for the Tomb of Shakspeare in a 
 hired fly. It lookt, however, more like a spider. 
 
 " And this," I said, as I stood in the old churchyard at 
 Stratford, beside a Tombstone, " this marks the spot where 
 lies "William W. Shakspeare. Alars ! and this is the spot 
 where " 
 
 " You 've got the wrong grave," said a man — a worthy vil- 
 lager ; " Shakspeare is buried inside the church." 
 
 " Oh," I said, " a boy told me this was it." The boy larfed 
 
AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 425 
 
 and put the shillin I 'd givin him into his left eye in a inglori- 
 ous manner, and commenced moving backwards towards the 
 street. 
 
 I pursood and captered him, and after talking to him a spell 
 in a skarcastic stile, I let him went. 
 
 The old church was damp and chill. It was rainin. The 
 only persons there when I entered was a fine bluff old gentle- 
 man who was talking in a excited manner to a fashnibly-dressed 
 young man. 
 
 " No, Ernest Montressor," the old gentleman said, " it is idle 
 to pursoo this subjeck no further. You can never marry my 
 daughter. You were seen last Monday in Piccadilly without 
 a umbreller ! I said then, as I say now, any young man as 
 venturs out in a uncertain climit like this without a umbreller, 
 lacks foresight, caution, strength of mind and stability ; and he 
 is not a proper person to intrust a daughter's happiness to.'' 
 
 I slapt the old gentleman on the shoulder, and I said : 
 
 " You 're right ! You 're one of those kind of men, you 
 are " 
 
 He wheeled suddenly round, and in a indignant voice, said, 
 " Go way — go way ! This is a privit intervoo." 
 
 I didn't stop to enrich the old gentleman's mind with my 
 conversation. I sort of inferred that he wasn't inclined to 
 listen to me, and so I went on. But he was right about the 
 umbreller. I 'm really delighted with this grand old country, 
 Mr Punch, but you must admit that it does rain rayther 
 numerously here. Whether this is owing to a monerkal form 
 of gov'ment or not, I leave all candid and onprejudiced persons 
 to say. 
 
 William Shakspeare was born in Stratford in 1564. All the 
 commentaters, Shaksperian scholars, etsetry, are agreed on 
 this, which is about the only thing they are agreed on in re- 
 gard to him, except that his mantle hasn't fallen onto any poet 
 or dramatist hard enough to hurt said poet or dramatist much. 
 And there is no doubt if these commentaters and persons con- 
 
426 AT THE TOMB OF SHAKSPEARE. 
 
 tinner investigatin Shakspeare's career, we shall not, in doo 
 time, know anything about it all. 
 
 When a mere lad little "William attended the Grammar 
 School, because, as he said, the Grammar School wouldn't 
 attend him. This remarkable remark, comin from one so 
 young and inexperunced, set peple to thinkin there might be 
 somethin in this lad. He subsequently wrote Hamlet and 
 George Barnwell. When his kind teacher went to London to 
 accept a position in the offices of the Metropolitan Railway, 
 little William was chosen by his fellow-pupils to deliver a fare- 
 well address. 
 
 " Go on, sir," he said, " in a glorus career. Be like a eagle, 
 and soar, and the soarer you get the more we shall be gratified ! 
 That's so." 
 
 My young readers, who wish to know about Shakspeare, 
 better get these vallyable remarks framed. 
 
 I -returned to the hotel. Meetin a young married couple, 
 they asked me if I could direct them to the hotel which 
 Washington Irving used to keep. ' 
 
 " I 've understood that he was onsuccessful as a lan'lord," 
 said the lady. 
 
 " We 've understood," said the young man, " that he busted 
 up." 
 
 I told 'em I was a stranger, and hurried away. They were 
 from my country, and ondoubtedly represented a thrifty lie 
 well somewhere in Pennsylvany. It's a common thing, by 
 the way, for a old farmer in Pennsylvany to wake up some 
 mornin and find ile squirtin all around his backyard. He sells 
 out for 'normous price, and his children put on gorgeous har- 
 ness and start on a tower to astonish peple. They succeed in 
 doin it. Meantime the lie it squirts and squirts, and Time 
 rolls on. Let it roll 
 
 A very nice old town is Stratford, and a capital inn is the 
 Red Horse. Every admirer of the great S. must go there once 
 certinly ; and to say one isn't a admirer of him, is equiVlent to 
 
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 427 
 
 sayin one has jest about trains enough to become a efficient 
 tinker. 
 
 Some kind person has sent me Chawcer's poems. Mr C. had 
 talent, but he couldn't spel. No man has a right to be a lit'rary 
 man onless he knows how to spel. It is a pity that Chawcer, 
 who had geneyus, was so unedicated. He 's the wuss speller 1 
 know of. 
 
 I guess I 'm through, and so I lay down the pen, which is 
 more mightier than the sword, but which, I 'm fraid, would 
 stand a rayther slim chance beside the needle gun. — Adoo ! 
 adoo ! Artemus Ward. 
 
 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 
 
 Mr Punch, — My Dear SiR,^-It is seldim that the Com- 
 mercial relations between Great Britain and the United States 
 is mar'd by Games. 
 
 It is Commerce, after all, which will keep the two countries 
 friendly to'ards each other rather than statesmen. 
 
 I look at your last Parliament, and I can't see that a single 
 speech was encored during the entire session. 
 
 Look at Congress — but no, I 'd rather not look at Congress. 
 
 Entertainin this great regard for Commerce, " whose sales 
 whiten every sea," as everybody happily observes every chance 
 he gets, I learn with disgust and surprise that a British sub- 
 jeck bo't a Barril of Apple Sass in America recently, and when 
 he arrove home he found under a few deloosiv layers of sass 
 nothin but saw-dust. I should have instantly gone into the 
 City and called a meetin of the leadin commercial men to 
 condem and repudiate, as a American, this gross frawd, if I 
 
428 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 
 
 hadn't learned at the same time that the 'draft given by the 
 British subjeck in payment for this frawdylent sass was drawd 
 onto a Bankin House in London which doesn't have a exist- 
 ence, but far otherwise, and never did. 
 
 There is those who larf at these things, but to me they 
 merit rebooks and frowns. 
 
 With the exception of my Uncle Wilyim — who, as I've 
 before stated, is a uncle by marriage only, who is a low cuss, 
 and filled his coat pockets with pies and biled eggs at his weddin 
 breakfast, given to him by my father, and made the clergy- 
 man as united him a present of my father's new overcoat, and 
 when my father, on discoverin it, got in a rage and denounced 
 him, Uncle Wilyim said the old man (meanin my parent) 
 hadn't any idee of first-class Humer ! — with the exception of 
 this wretched Uncle, the escutchin of my fam'ly has never 
 been stained by Games. The little harmless deceptions I 
 resort to in my perfeshion I do not call Games. They are 
 sacrifisses to Art. 
 
 I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 The Wards is a very clever fam'ly indeed. 
 
 I believe we are descendid from the Puritins, who nobly 
 fled from a land of despitism to a land of freedim, where they 
 could not only enjoy their own religion, but prevent everybody 
 else from enjoyin his. 
 
 As I said before, we are a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 I was strolling up Regent Street the other day, thinkin 
 what a clever fam'ly I come of, and looking at the gay shop- 
 winders. I 've got some new close since you last saw me. I 
 saw them others wouldn't do. They carrid the observer too 
 far back into the dim vister of the past, and I gave 'em to a 
 Orfun Asylum. The close I wear now I bo't of Mr Moses, in 
 the Commercial Eoad. They were expressly made, Mr Moses 
 informed me, for a nobleman ; but as they fitted him too 
 muchly, partic'ly the trows'rs (which is blue, with large red 
 and white checks), he had said : 
 
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 429 
 
 " My dear feller, make me some more, only mind — be sure 
 you sell these to some genteel old feller." 
 
 I like to saunter thro' Eegent Street. The shops are pretty, 
 and it does the old man's heart good to see the troops of fine 
 healthy girls which one may always see there at certain hours 
 in the afternoon, who don't spile their beauty by devouring 
 cakes and sugar things, as too many of the, American and 
 French lasses do. It 's a mistake about everybody being out 
 of town, I guess. Eegent Street is full. I 'm here ; and, as I 
 said before, I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 As I was walking along, amoosin myself by stickin my pen- 
 knife into the calves of the footmen who stood waitin by the 
 swell coaches (not one of whom howled with angwish), I was 
 accosted by a man of about thirty-five summers, who said, " I 
 have seen that face somewheres afore ! " 
 
 He was a little shabby in his wearin apparil. His coat was 
 one of those black, shiny garments, which you can always tell 
 have been burnished by adversity; but he was very gentle- 
 manly. 
 
 " Was it in the Crimea, comrade ? Yes, it was. It was at 
 the stormin of Sebastopol, where I had a narrow escape from 
 death, that we met ! " 
 
 I said, " No, it wasn't at Sebastopol. I escaped a fatal 
 wound by not bein there. It was a healthy old fortress," I 
 added. 
 
 " It was. But it fell. It came down with a crash." 
 
 " And plucky boys they was who brought . her down/' I 
 added ; " and hurrah for 'em ! " 
 
 The man graspt me warmly by the hand, and said he had 
 been in America, Upper Canada, Africa, Asia Minor, and 
 other towns, and he 'd never met a man he liked so much as 
 he did me. 
 
 " Let us," he added, " let us to the shrine of Bachus ! " 
 
 And he dragged me into a public-house. I was determined to 
 pay, so I said, "Mr Bachus, giv this gen'l'man what he calls for." 
 
430 IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 
 
 We conversed there in a very pleasant manner till my 
 dinner-time arrove, when the agree'ble gentleman insisted 
 that I should dine with him. " We '11 have a banquet, sir, fit 
 for the gods ! " 
 
 I told him good plain vittles would soot me. If the gods 
 wanted to have the dispepsy, they was welcome to it. 
 
 We had soop and fish, and a hot jint, and growsis, and 
 wines of rare and costly vintige. We had ices, and we had 
 froots from Greenland's icy mountains and Injy's coral strands ; 
 and when the sumptoous reparst was over, the agree'ble man 
 said he'd unfortnitly left his pocket-book at home on the 
 marble center-table. 
 
 "But, by Jove!" he said, "it was a feast fit for the 
 gods!" 
 
 I said, " Oh, never mind," and drew out my puss ; tho' I 
 in'ardly wished the gods, as the dinner was fit for 'em, was 
 there to pay for it. 
 
 I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 The agree'ble gentleman then said, " Now I will show you 
 our Club. It dates back to the time of William the Con- 
 queror." 
 
 "Did Bill belong to it ? " I inquired. 
 
 " He did." 
 
 " Wall," I said, " if Billy was one of 'em, I need no other 
 endorsement as to its respectfulness; and I'll go with you, 
 my gay trooper boy ! " And we went off arm-in-arm. 
 
 On the way the agree'ble man told me that the Club was 
 called the Sloshers. He said I would notice that none of 'em 
 appeared in evenin dress. He said it was agin the rools of 
 the Club. In fack, if any member appeared there in evenin 
 dress, he'd be instantly expeld. "And yit," he added, 
 "there's geneyus there, and lorfty emotions, and intellect 
 You '11 be surprised at the quantities of intelleck you '11 see 
 there." 
 
 We reached the Sloshers in due time, and I must say they 
 
IS INTRODUCED AT THE CLUB. 431 
 
 was a shaky-looking lot, and the public-house where they con- 
 vened was certingly none of the best. 
 
 -The Sloshers crowded round me, and said I was welcome. 
 
 " What a beautiful brestpin you 've got," said one of 'em. 
 " Permit me," and he took it out of my neckercher. " Isn't 
 it luvly?" he said, parsin it to another, who passed it to 
 another. 
 
 It was given me by my aunt, on my promisin her I 'd 
 never swear profanely; and I never have, except on very 
 special occasions. I see that beautiful boosum-pin a parsin 
 from one Slosher to another, and I 'm reminded of them sad 
 words of the poit, " parsin away ! parsin away ! " I never 
 saw it no more. 
 
 Then in comes a athletic female, who no sooner sees me than 
 she utters a wild yell, and cries : 
 
 " At larst ! at larst ! My Wilyim, from the seas ! " 
 
 I said, " Not at all, Mann. Not on no account. I have 
 heard the boatswain pipe to quarters ; but a voice in my heart 
 didn't whisper Seu-zan ! I 've belayed the marlin-spikes on 
 the upper jibpoop, but Seu-zan's eye wasn't on me, much. 
 Young woman, I am not you 're Saler boy. Far different." 
 
 " Oh yes, you are !" she howled, seizin me round the neck. 
 " Oh, how I 've lookt forwards to this meetin ! " 
 
 "And you'll presently," I said, "have a opportunity of 
 lookin backwards to it, because I 'm on the point of leavin 
 this institution." 
 
 I will here observe that I come of a very clever fam'ly. A 
 very clever fam'ly, indeed. 
 
 " Where," I cried, as I struggled in vain to release myself 
 from the eccentric female's claws, " where is the Capting — the 
 man who was into the Crimea^ amidst the cannon's thunder t 
 I want him." 
 
 He came forward, and cried, "What do I see? Me Sister ! 
 me sweet Adulaide ! and in teers ! Willin !" he screamed, 
 " and you 're the serpent I took to my boosum, and borrowed 
 
432 THE TOWER OF LONDON. 
 
 money of, and went round with, and was cheerful with, are 
 you ? — You ought to be ashamed of yourself." 
 
 Somehow my coat was jerked off, the brest-pocket of which 
 contained my pocket-book, and it parsed away like the brest- 
 pin. Then they sorter quietly hustled me into the street. 
 
 It was about 12 at night when I reached the Green Lion. 
 
 "Ha! ha! you sly old rascal, you've been up to larks!" 
 said the lan'lord, larfin loudly, and digging his fist into my ribs. 
 
 I said, " Bigsby, if you do that agin, I shall hit you ! Much 
 as I respect you and your excellent fam'ly, I shall disfigger 
 your beneverlent countenance for life !" 
 
 " "What has ruffled your spirits, friend 1 " said the lan'lord. 
 
 "My spirits has been ruffled," I ansered in a bittur voice, 
 " by a viper who was into the Crimea. What good was it," I 
 cried, " for Sebastopol to fall down without enwelopin in its 
 ruins that viper V 
 
 I then went to bed. I come of a very clever fam'ly. 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 VI. 
 
 THE TOWEE OF LONDON. 
 
 Mr Punch,— My Dear Sir,— I skurcely need inform you 
 that your excellent Tower is very pop'lar with peple from the 
 agricultooral districks, and it was chiefly them class which I 
 found waitin at the gates the other mornin. 
 
 I saw at once that the Tower was established on a firm basis. 
 In the entire history of firm basisis I don't find a basis more 
 firmer than this one. 
 
 " You have no Tower in America ? " said a man in the crowd, 
 who had somehow detected my denomination. 
 
 " Alars ! no," I anserd ; " we boste of our enterprise and 
 
THE TOWER OF LONDON. 433 
 
 improovements, and yit we are devoid of a Tower. America, 
 • oil my onhappy country ! thou hast not got no Tower ! It 's 
 a sweet Boon." 
 
 The gates was opened after awhile, and we all purchist 
 tickets, and went into a waitin-room. 
 
 ■ " My frens," said a pale-faced little man, in black close, 
 " this is a sad day." 
 
 " Inasmuch as to how 1 " I said. 
 
 " I mean it is sad to think that so many peple have been 
 killed within these gloomy walls. My frens,. let us drop a 
 tear ! " 
 
 "No," I said, "you must excuse me. Others may drop 
 one if they feel like it ; but as for me, I decline. The early 
 managers of this institootkws were a bad lot, and their crimes 
 were trooly orful ; but I can't sob for those who died four or 
 five hundred years ago. If they was my own relations I 
 couldn't. It 's absurd to shed sobs over things which occurd 
 durin the rain of Henry the Three. Let us be cheerful," I 
 continnerd. " Look at the festiv Warders, in their red flannil 
 jackets. They are cheerful, and why should it not be thusly 
 with us?" 
 
 A Warder now took us in charge, and showed us the Trater's 
 Gate, the armers, and things. The Trater's Gate is wide enuft 
 to admit about twenty traters abrest, I should jedge ; but 
 beyond this, I couldn't see that it was superior to gates in 
 gen'ral. 
 
 Traters, I will here remark, are a onfornit class of peple. 
 If they wasn't, they wouldn't be traters. They conspire to 
 bust up a country^ — they fail, and they 're traters. They bust 
 her, and they become statesmen and heroes. 
 
 Take the case of Gloster, afterwards Old Dick the Three, 
 who may be seen at the Tower on horseback, in a heavy tin 
 overcoat — take Mr Gloster's case. Mr G. was a conspirator 
 of the basist dye, and if he'd failed, he would have been hung 
 on a sour apple tree. But Mr G. succeeded, and became great. 
 
 2e 
 
434 THE TOWER OF LONDON. 
 
 He was slewd by Col. Bichmond, but he lives in histry, and 
 his equestrian figger may be seen daily for a sixpence, in con- 
 junction with other em'nent persons, and no extra charge for 
 the Warder's able and bootiful lectur. 
 
 There *s one king in this room who is mounted onto a foamin 
 steed, his right hand graspin a barber's pole. I didn't learn 
 his name. 
 
 The room where the daggers and pistils and other weppins 
 is kept is interestin. Among this collection of choice cuttlery 
 I notist the bow and arrer which those hot-heded old chaps 
 used to conduct battles with. It is quite like the bow and 
 arrer used at this day by certain tribes of American Injuns, 
 and they shoot 'em off with such a excellent precision that I 
 almost sigh'd to be a Injun when I was in the Eocky Mountin 
 regin: They are a pleasant lot them Injuns. Mr Cooper and 
 Dr Catlin have told us of the red man's wonerful eloquence, 
 and I found it so. Our party was stopt on the plains of Utah 
 by a band of Shoshones, whose chief said : 
 
 " Brothers ! the pale-face is welcome. Brothers ! the sun is 
 sinkin in the West, and Wa-narbucky-she will soon cease 
 speakin. Brothers ! the poor red man belongs to a race which 
 is fast becomin extink." 
 
 He then whooped in a shrill manner, stole all our blankets 
 and whisky, and fled to the primeval forest to conceal his 
 emotions. 
 
 I will remark here, while on the subjeck of Injuns, that they 
 are in the main a very shaky set, with even less sense than the 
 Fenians, and when I hear philanthropists bewailin the fack 
 that every year "carries the noble red man nearer the settin 
 sun," I simply have to say I 'm glad of it, tho' it is rough on 
 the settin sun. They call you by the sweet name of Brother 
 one minit, and the next they scalp you with their Thomas- 
 hawks. But I wander. Let us return to the Tower. 
 
 At one end of the room where the weppins is kept, is a wax 
 figger of Queen Elizabeth, mounted on a fiery stuffed hoss, 
 
THE TOWER OF LONDON. 435 
 
 whose glass eye flashes with pride, and whose red morocker 
 nostril dilates hawtily, as if conscious of the royal hurden he 
 bears. I have associated Elizabeth with the Spanish Armady. 
 She 's mixed up with it at the Surry Theatre, where Troo to the 
 Core is bein acted, and in which a full bally core is introjooced 
 on board the Spanish Admiral's ship, givin the audiens the 
 idee that he intends openin a moosic-hall in Plymouth the 
 moment he conkers that town. But a very interesting 
 drammer is Troo to the Core, notwithstandin the eccentric con- 
 duck of the Spanish Admiral ; and very nice it is in Queen 
 Elizabeth to make Martin Truegold a baronet. 
 
 The Warder shows us some instrooments of tortur, such as 
 . thumbscrews, throat-collars, &c, statin that these was con- 
 kered from the Spanish Armady, and addinwhata crooilpeple 
 the Spaniards was in them days — which elissited from a bright- 
 eyed little girl of about twelve summers the remark that she 
 tho't it was rich to talk about the crooilty of the Spaniards 
 usin thumbscrews, when we was in a Tower where so many 
 poor peple's heads had been cut off. This made the Warder 
 stammer and turn red. 
 
 I was so pleased with the little girl's brightness that I could 
 have kissed the dear child, and I would if she 'd been six years 
 older. 
 
 I think my companions intended makin a day of it, for they 
 all had sandwiches, sassiges, etc. The sad-lookin man, who 
 had wanted us to drop a tear afore we started to go round, 
 fling'd such quantities of sassige into his mouth that I ex- 
 pected to see him choke hisself to death ; he said to me, in the 
 Beauchamp Tower, where the poor prisoners writ their onhappy 
 names on the cold walls, " This is a sad sight." 
 
 " It is, indeed," I anserd. "You 're black in the face. You 
 shouldn't eat sassige in public without some rehearsals before- 
 hand. You manage it orkwardly." 
 
 " No," he said, " I mean this sad room." 
 
 Indeed, he was quite right. Tho' so long ago all these 
 
436 SCIENCE AND 
 
 drefful things happened, I was very glad to git away from 
 this gloomy room, and go where the rich and sparklin Crown 
 Jewils is kept. I was so pleased with the Queen's Crown, that 
 it oocurd to me what a agree'ble surprise it would be to send 
 a sim'lar one home to my wife ; and I asked the Warder what 
 was the vally of a good, well-constructed Crown like that. He 
 told me, but on cypherin up with a pencil the amount of funs 
 I have in the Jint Stock Bank, I conclooded 1 'd send her a 
 genteel silver watch instid. 
 
 And so I left the Tower. It is a solid and commandin 
 edifis, but I deny that it is cheerful. I bid it adoo without a 
 pang. 
 
 I was droven to my hotel by the most melancholly driver 
 of a four-wheeler that I ever saw. He heaved a deep sigh as 
 I gave him two shillings. 
 
 " I '11 give you six d.'s more," I said, " if it hurts you so." 
 
 " It isn't that," he said, with a hart-rendin groari, " it's only 
 a way I have. My mind 's upset to-day. I at one time tho't 
 I 'd drive you into the Thames. I 've been readin all the daily 
 papers to try and understand about Governor Ayre, and my 
 mind is totterin. It's really wonderful I didn't drive you 
 into the Thames." 
 
 I asked the onhappy man what Iris number was, so I could 
 redily find him in case I should want him agin, and bad him 
 good-bye. And then I tho't what a frollicsome day I 'd made 
 of it. — Kespeetably, &c, Artemus Wakd. 
 
 VII. 
 
 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 Mr Punch,— My Dear Sir,— I was a little disapinted at not 
 receivin a invitation to jine in- the meetins of the Social Science 
 Congress. 
 
NA TURAL HISTOR Y. 437 
 
 I don't exackly see how they go on without me. 
 
 I hope it wasn't the intentions of the Soiencers to exclood 
 me from their delibrations. 
 
 Let it pars. I do not repine. Let us remember Homer. 
 Twenty cities claim Homer dead, thro' which the livin Mr 
 Homer couldn't have got trusted for a sandwich and a glass of 
 bitter beer, or words to that effeck. 
 
 But perhaps it was a oversight. Certinly I have been hoss- 
 pitably rec'd in this country. Hospitality has been pored all 
 over me. At Liverpool I was asked to walk all over the docks, 
 which are nine miles long ; and I don't remember a instance 
 since my 'rival in London of my gettin into a cab without a 
 Briton comin and purlitely shuttin the door for me, and then 
 extendin his open hand to'ards me, in the most frenly manner 
 possible. Does he not, by this simple yit tuchin gesture, wel- 
 cum me to England 1 Doesn't he 1 Oh yes — I guess he doesn't 
 he. And it's quite right among two great countries which 
 speak the same langwidge, except as regards H's. And I 've 
 been allowed to walk round all the streets. Even at Buckin- 
 ham Pallis, I told a guard I wanted to walk round there, and 
 he said I could walk round there. I ascertained subsequent 
 that he refe'rd to the side walk instid of the Pallis — but I 
 couldn't doubt his hospital feelins. 
 
 I prepared an Essy on Animals to read before the Social 
 Science meetins. It is a subjeck I may troothfully say I have 
 successfully wrastled with. I tackled it when only nineteen 
 years old. At that tender age I writ a Essy for a lit'ry Insti- 
 toot entitled, " Is Cats to be trusted V Of the merits of that 
 Essy it doesn't becum me to speak, but I may be excoos'd fdr 
 mentionin that the Institoot parsed a resolution that "whether 
 we look upon the length of this Essy, or the manner in which 
 it is written, we feel that we will not express any opinion of it, 
 and we hope it will be read in other towns." 
 
 Of course the Essy I writ for the Social Science Society is a 
 more finisheder production than the one on Cats, which was 
 
438 SCIENCE AND 
 
 wroten when my mind was crood, and afore I had masterd a 
 graceful and ellygant stile of composition. I could not even 
 punctooate my sentences proper at that time, and I observe 
 with pane, on lookin over this effort of my yooth, that its 
 beauty is in one or two instances mar'd by ingrammaticism?. 
 This was unexcusable, and I'm surprised I did it. A writer 
 who can't write in a grammerly manner better shut up shop. 
 
 You shall hear this Essy on Animals. Some day when you 
 have, four hours to spare, I'll read it to you. I think you'll 
 enjoy it. Or, what will be much better, if I may suggest — 
 omit all picturs in next week's Punch, and do not let your con- 
 tributors write enything whatever (let them have a holiday ; 
 they can go to the British Mooseum;) and publish my Essy 
 intire. It will fill all your collumes full, and create comment. 
 Does this proposition strike you 1 Is it a go 1 
 
 In case I had read the Essy to the Social Sciencers, I had 
 intended it should be the closin attraction. I had intended it 
 should finish the proceedins. I think it would have finished 
 them. I understand animals better than any other class of 
 human creatures. I have a very animal mind, and I 've been 
 identified with 'em doorin my entire perfessional career as a 
 showman, more especial bears, wolves, leopards and serpunts. 
 
 The leopard is as lively a animal as I ever came into con- 
 tack with. It is troo he cannot change his spots, but you can 
 change 'em for him with a paint-brush, as I once did in the 
 case of a leopard who wasn't nat'rally spotted in a attractive 
 manner. In exhibitin him I used to stir him up in his cage 
 with a protracted pole, and for the purpuss of makin him yell 
 and kick up in a leopardy manner, I used to casionally whack 
 him over the head. This would make the children inside the 
 booth scream with fright, which would make fathers of families 
 outside the booth very anxious to come in — because there is a 
 large class of parents who have a uncontrollable passion for 
 takin their children to places were they will stand a chance of 
 being frightened to death. 
 
NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 439 
 
 One day I whacked this leopard more than ushil, which 
 elissited a remonstrance from a tall gentleman in spectacles, 
 who said, " My good man, do not beat the poor caged animal. 
 Rather fondle him." 
 
 " I '11 fondle him with a club," I ansered, hitting him another 
 whack. 
 
 " I prithy desist," said the gentleman ; " stand aside, and 
 see the effeck of kindness. I understand the idiosyncracies of 
 these creeturs better than you do." 
 
 With that he went up to the cage, and thrustin his face in 
 between the iron bars, he said, soothingly, " Come hither, 
 pretty creetur." 
 
 The pretty creetur come-hithered rayther speedy, and seized 
 the gentleman by the whiskers, which he tore off about enuff 
 to stuff a small cushion with. 
 
 He said, ". You vagabone, I '11 have you indicted for exhi- 
 bitin dangerous and immoral animals." 
 
 I replied, " Gentle Sir, there isn't a animal here that hasn't 
 a beautiful moral, but you mustn't fondle 'em. You mustn't 
 meddle with their idiotsyncracies." 
 
 The gentleman was a dramatic cricket, and he wrote a 
 article for a paper, in which he said my entertainment was a 
 decided failure. 
 
 As regards Bears, you can teach 'em to do interestin things, 
 but they 're ohreliable. I had a very large grizzly bear once, 
 who would dance, and larf, and lay down, and bow his head 
 in grief, and give a mournful wale, e^setry. But he often 
 annoyed me. It will be remembered that on the occasion of 
 the first battle of Bull Eun, it suddenly occurd to the Fed'ral 
 soldiers that they had business in Washington which ought 
 not to be neglected, and they all started for that beautiful and 
 romantic city, maintainin a rate of speed durin the entire dis- 
 tance that would have done credit to the celebrated French 
 steed Gladiatew. Very nat'rally our GoVment was deeply 
 grieved at this deteat j and I said to my Bear shortly after, as 
 
440 SCIENCE AND NATURAL HISTORY. 
 
 I was .givin a exhibition in Ohio — I said, " Brewin, are you 
 not sorry the National arms has sustained a defeat?" His 
 business was to wale dismal, and bow his head down, the band 
 (a barrel orgin and a wiolin) playing slow and melancholly 
 moosic. "What did the grizzly old cuss do, however, but com- 
 mence darncin and larfin in the most joyous manner? I had 
 a narrer eseape from being imprisoned for disloyalty. 
 
 I will relate another incident in the career of this retchid 
 Bear. I used to present what I called in the bills a Beautiful 
 living Pictur — showing the Bear's fondness for his Master : in 
 which I'd lay down on a piece of carpeting, and the Bear 
 would come and lay down beside me, restin his right paw on' 
 my breast, the Band playing "Home, Sweet Home," very soft 
 and slow. Altho' I say it, it was a tuehin thing to see. I 've 
 seen Tax-Collectors weep over that performance. 
 
 Well, one day I said, " Ladies and Gentlemen, we will now 
 show you the Bear's fondness for his master," and I went and 
 laid down. I thb't I observed a pecooliar expression into his 
 eyes, as he rolled clumsily to'ards me, but I didn't dream of 
 the se'ene which follerd. He laid down, and put his paw on 
 my breast. " Affection of the bear for his Master," I repeated. 
 " You see the Monarch of the Western Wilds in a subjugated 
 state. Fierce as these animals natrally are, we now see that 
 they have hearts, and can love. This bear, the largest in the 
 world, and measuriri seventeen feet round the body, loves me 
 as a mer-ther loves her che-ild ! " But what was my horror 
 when the grizzly and infamus Bear threw his other paw under 
 me, and riz with me to his feet. Then claspin me in a close em- 
 brace he waltzed up and down the platform in a frightful 
 manner, I yellin with fear and anguish. To make matters 
 wuss, a low scurrilus young man in the audiens hollered out : 
 
 " Playfulness of the Bear ! Quick moosic ! " 
 
 I jest 'scaped with my life. The Bear met with a wiolent 
 death the next day, by being in the way when a hevily loaded 
 gun was fired off by one of my men. 
 
A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 441 
 
 But you should hear my Essy which I wrote for the Social 
 Science Meetins. It would have had a moving effeck on them. 
 
 I feel that I must now conclood. 
 
 I have read Earl Bright's speech at Leeds, and I hope we 
 shall now hear from John Derby. I trust that not only they, 
 but Wm. E. Stanley and Lord Gladstone will cling inflexibly 
 to those great fundamental principles, which they understand 
 far better than I do, and I will add, that I do not understand 
 anything about any of them whatever in the least — and let us 
 all be happy, and live within our means, even if we have to 
 borrer the money to do it with. — Very respectively yours, 
 
 Artemus Ward. 
 
 VIII. 
 
 A VISIT TO THE BRITISH MUSEUM. 
 
 Mr Punch, — My Dear Sir, — You didn't get a instructi v article 
 from my pen last week on account of my nervus sistim havin 
 underwent a drefile shock. I got caught in a brief shine of 
 suu, and it utterly upsot me. I was walkin in Eegent Street 
 one day last week, enjoyin your rich black fog and bracing 
 rains, when all at once the Sun bust out and actooally shone 
 for nearly half an hour steady. I acted promptly. I called a 
 cab and told the driver to run his hoss at a friteful rate of 
 speed to my lodgins, but it wasn't of no avale. I had orful 
 cramps, my appytite left me. and my pults went down to 10 
 degrees below zero. But by careful nussin I shall no doubt 
 recover speedy, if the present sparklin and exileratin weather 
 continners. 
 
 [All of the foregoin is sarcasum.] 
 
 Jt's a singlar fack, but I never sot eyes on your excellent 
 British Mooseum till the other day. I 've sent a great many 
 
442 A VISIT TO THE 
 
 peple there, as also to your genial Tower of London, however. 
 It happened thusly : When one of my excellent countrymen, 
 jest arrived in London, would come and see me, and display a 
 inclination to cling to me too lengthy, thus showin a respect 
 for me which I feel I do not deserve, I would suggest a visit 
 to the Mooseum and Tower. The Mooseum would ockepy 
 him a day at leest, and the Tower another. Thus I 've derived 
 considerable peace and comfort from them noble edifisses, and 
 I hope they will long continner to grace your metropolis. 
 There 's my fren Col. Larkins, from Wisconsin, who I regret 
 to say understands the Jamaica question, and wants to talk 
 with me about it ; I sent him to the Tower four days ago, and 
 he hasn't got throogh with it yit. He likes it very much, and 
 he writes me that he can't never thank me sufficient for 
 directin him to so interestin a bildin. I writ him not to 
 mention it. The Col. says it is fortnit we live in a intellectooal 
 age which wouldn't countenance such infamus things as occurd 
 in this Tower. I 'm aware that it is fashin'ble to compliment 
 this age, but I ain't so clear that the Col. is altogether right. 
 This is a very respectable age, but it 's pretty easily riled ; and 
 considerin upon how slight a provycation we who live in it go 
 to cuttin each other's throats, it may perhaps be doubted 
 whether our intellecks is so much massiver than our ancestors' 
 intellecks was, after all. 
 
 I alius ride outside with the cabman. I am of humble 
 parentage, but I have (if you will permit me to say so) the 
 spirit of the eagle, which chafes when shut up in a four- 
 wheeler, and I feel much eagler when I 'm in the open air. So 
 on the mornin on which I went to the Mooseum I lit a pipe, 
 and callin a cab, I told the driver to take me there as quick as 
 his Arabian charger could go. The driver was under the in- 
 flooence of beer, and narrerly escaped runnin over a aged 
 female in the match trade, whereupon I remonstratid with 
 him. I said : 
 
 " That poor old woman may be the only mother of a young 
 
BRITISH MUSEUM. 443 
 
 man like you." Then throwing considerable pathos into my 
 voice, I said, " You have a mother % " 
 
 He said, " You lie ! " I got down and called another cab, 
 hut said nothin to this driver about his parents. 
 
 The British Mooseum is a magnif cent free show for the 
 people. It is kept open for the benefit of all. 
 
 The humble costymonger, who traverses the busy streets 
 with a cart containin all kinds of vegetables, such as carrots, 
 turnips, etc., and drawn by a spirited jackass — he can go to 
 the Mooseum and reap benefits therefrom as well as the lord 
 of high degree. 
 
 " And this," I said, " is the British Mooseum ! These noble 
 walls," I continnerd, punching them with my umbreller to see 
 if the masonry was all right — but I wasn't allowd to finish my 
 enthoosiastic remarks, for a man with a gold band on his hat 
 said, in a hash voice, that I must stop pokin the walls. I told 
 him I would do so by all means. " You see," I said, taking 
 hold of the tassel which waved from the man's belt, and 
 drawin him close to me in a confidential way, " you see, I 'm 
 lookin round this Mooseum, and if I like it I shall buy it." 
 
 Instid of larfin hartily at these remarks, which was made in 
 a goakin spirit, the man frowned darkly and walked away. 
 
 I first visited the stuffed animals, of which the gorillers in- 
 terested me most. These simple-minded monsters live in 
 Afriky, and are believed to be human beins to a slight extent, 
 altho' they are not allowed to vote. In this department is one 
 or two superior giraffes. I never woulded I were a bird, but 
 I 've sometimes wished I was a giraffe, on account of the lcng 
 distance of his mouth to his stummuck. Hence, if he loved 
 beer, one mugful would give him as much enjoyment while 
 goin down as forty mugfuls would ordinary persons. And he 
 wouldn't get intoxicated, which is a beastly way of amusin 
 oneself, I must say. I like a little beer now and then, and 
 when the teetotallers inform us, as they frekently do, that it is 
 vile stuff, ancLthat even the swine shrink from it, I say it only 
 
444 A VISIT TO THE 
 
 shows that the swine is a ass who don't know what 's good ; 
 but to pour gin and brandy down one's throat as freely as 
 though it were fresh milk, is the most idiotic way of goin to 
 the devil I know of. 
 
 I enjoyed myself very much lookin at the Egyptian mummys, 
 the Greek vasis, etc., but it occurrd to me there was rayther 
 too many " Eoman antiquitys of a uncertin date." Now, I 
 like the British Mooseum, as I said afore, but when I see a lot 
 of erthen jugs and pots stuck up on shelves, and all " of a un- 
 certin date," I 'm at a loss to 'zackly detennin whether they 
 are a thousand years old or was bought recent. I can cry like 
 a child over a jug one thousand years of age, especially if it is a 
 Roman jug ; but a jug of a uncertin date doesn't overwhelm 
 me with emotions. Jugs and' pots of a uncertin age is doubt- 
 less vallyable property, but, like the debentures of the London, 
 Chatham, and Dover Railway, a man doesn't want too many 
 of them. 
 
 I was debarred out of the great readin-room. A man told , 
 me I must apply by letter for admission, and that I must get 
 somebody to testify that I was respectable. I 'm a little fraid 
 I shan't get in there. Seein a elderly gentleman, with a bene- 
 verlent-lookin face near by, I venturd to ask him if he would 
 certify that I was respectable. He said he certainly would 
 not, but he would put me in charge of a policeman, if that 
 would do me any good. A thought struck me. " I refer you 
 to Mr Punch," I said. 
 
 " "Well," said a man, who had listened to my application, 
 " you have done it now ! You stood some chance before." 
 
 I will get this infamus wretch's name before you go to press, 
 so you can denounce him in the present number of your excel- 
 lent journal. 
 
 The statute of Apollo is a pretty slick statute. A ycung 
 yeoman seemed deeply imprest with it. He viewd it with 
 silent admiration. At home, in the beautiful rural districks 
 where the daisy sweetly bloomSj he would be swearin in a 
 
BRITISH MUSEUM. 44$ 
 
 horrible manner at his bullocks, and -whacking 'em over the 
 head with a hayfork ; but here, in the presence of Art, he is a 
 changed bein. 
 
 I told the attendant that if the British nation would stand 
 the expens of a marble bust of myself, I would willingly sit to 
 some talented sculpist. 
 
 " I feel," I said, "that this a dooty I owe to posterity." 
 
 He said it was hily prob'l, but he was inclined to think that 
 the British nation wouldn't care to enrich the Mooseum with 
 a bust of me, altho' he venturd to think that if I paid for one 
 myself it would be accepted cheerfully by Madam Tussaud, 
 who would give it a prom'nent position in her Chamber of 
 Horrers. The young man was very polite, and I thankt him 
 kindly. 
 
 After visitin the Befreshment-room, and partakin of half a 
 chicken " of a uncertin age," like the Roman antiquitys I have 
 previsly spoken of, I prepared to leave. As I passed through 
 the animal room, I observed with pane that a benevolint per- 
 son was urgin the stufft elephant to accept a cold muffin, but I 
 did not feel called on to remonstrate with him, any more than 
 I did with two young persons of diff'rent sexes who had retired 
 behind the Eynosserhoss to squeeze each other's hands. In 
 fack, I rayther approved of the latter proceedin, for it carrid 
 me back to the sunny spring-time of my life. I 'm in the shear 
 and yeller leaf now, but I don't forgit the time when to squeeze 
 my Betsy's hand sent a thrill through me like follin off the 
 roof of a two-story house ; and I never squozed that gentle hand 
 without wantin to do so some more, and feelin that it did me 
 good. — Trooly yours, 
 
 Aktemus Ward. 
 
446 PYROTECHNY. 
 
 IX. 
 
 PYEOTECHNY. 
 I. — THE PEACEFUL HAMLET. 
 
 Nestling among the grand hill? of New Hampshire, in the 
 United States of America, is a village called Waterbury. 
 
 Perhaps you were never there. 
 
 I do not censure you if you never were. 
 
 One can get on very well without going to Waterbury. 
 
 Indeed, there are millions of meritorious persons who were 
 never there, and yet they are happy. 
 
 In this peaceful hamlet lived a young man named Pettingill. 
 
 Eeuben Pettingill. 
 
 He was an agriculturist. 
 
 A broad-shouldered, deep-chested agriculturist. 
 
 He was contented to live in this peaceful hamlet. 
 
 He said it was better than a noisy Othello. 
 
 Thus do these simple children of nature joke in a first-class 
 manner. 
 
 • II.— MYSELF. 
 
 I write this romance in the French style. 
 
 Yes : something that way. 
 
 The French style consists of making just as many paragraphs 
 as possible. 
 
 Thus one may fill up a column in a very short time. 
 
 I am paid by the column, and the quicker I can fill up a 
 column — but this is a matter to which we will not refer. 
 
 We will let this matter pass. 
 
 III. — PETTINGILL. 
 
 Eeuben Pettingill was extremely industrious. 
 
PYROTECHNY. 447 
 
 He worked hard all the year round on his father's little 
 farm. 
 
 Eight he was ! 
 
 Industry is a very fine thing. 
 
 It is one of the finest things of which we have any know- 
 ledge. 
 
 Yet do not frown, " do not weep for me," when I state that 
 I don't like it. 
 
 It doesn't agree with me. 
 
 I prefer indolence. 
 
 I am happiest when I am idle. 
 
 I could live for months without performing any kind of 
 labour, and at the expiration of that time I should feel fresh 
 and vigorous enough to go right on in the same way for nume- 
 rous more months. 
 
 This should not surprise you. 
 
 Nothing that a modern novelist does should excite astonish- 
 ment in any well-regulated mind. 
 
 IV. — INDEPENDENCE DAY. 
 
 The 4th of July is always celebrated in America with guns, 
 and processions, and banners, and all those things. 
 
 You know why we celebrate this day. 
 
 The American Revolution, in 1 775, was perhaps one of the 
 finest revolutions that was ever seen. But I have not time to 
 give you a full history of the American Revolution. It would 
 consume years to do it, and I might weary you. 
 
 One 4th of July, Reuben Pettingill went to Boston. 
 
 He saw great sights. 
 
 He saw the dense throng of people, the gay volunteers, the 
 banners,, and, above all, he saw the fireworks. 
 
 I despise myself for using so low a word, but the fireworks 
 " licked " him. 
 
 A new world was opened to this young man. 
 
448 PYROTECHNY. 
 
 He returned to his parents and tlie little farm among the 
 hills, with his heart full of fireworks. 
 
 He said, " I will make some myself." 
 
 He said this while eating a lobster on top of the coach. 
 
 He was an extraordinarily skilful young man in the use of 
 a common clasp-knife. 
 
 With that simple weapon he could make, from soft wood, 
 horses, dogs, cats, &o. He carved excellent soldiers also. 
 
 I remember his masterpiece. 
 
 It was " Napoleon crossing the Alps." 
 
 Looking at it critically, I should say it was rather short of 
 Alps. 
 
 An Alp or two more would have improved it : but, as a 
 whole, it was a wonderful piece of work; and what a wonder- 
 ful piece of work is a wooden man, when his legs and arms are 
 all right. 
 
 V. — WHAT THIS YOUNG MAN SAID. 
 
 He said, " I can make just as good fireworks as them in 
 Boston." 
 
 " Them " was not grammatical, but why care for grammar 
 as long as we are good ? 
 
 VI. — THE FATHER'S TEARS. 
 
 Pettingill neglected the farm. 
 
 He said that it might till itself— he should manufacture 
 some gorgeous fireworks, and exhibit them on the village 
 green on the next 4th of July. 
 
 He said the Eagle of Fame would flap his wings over their 
 humble roof ere many months should pass away. 
 
 " If he does," said old Mr Pettingill, " we must shoot him, 
 and bile him, and eat him, because we shall be rather short of 
 meat, my son, if you go on in this lazy way." 
 
PYROTECHNY. 449 
 
 And the old man wept. 
 He shed over 120 gallons of tears. 
 
 That is to say, a puncheon. But by all means let us avoid 
 turning this romance into a farce. 
 
 VII. — PYROTECHNY. 
 
 But the headstrong young man went to work making fire- 
 works. 
 
 He bought and carefully studied a work on pyrotechny. 
 
 The villagers knew that he was a remarkably skilful young 
 man, and they all said, " We shall have a great treat next 4th 
 of July." 
 
 Meanwhile Pettingill worked away. 
 
 Vm.— THE DAY. 
 
 The great day came at last. 
 
 Thousands poured into the little village from far and near. 
 
 There was an oration, of course. 
 
 IX. — OKATORY IN AMERICA. 
 
 Yes ; there was an oration. 
 
 We have a passion for oratory in America, — political oratory 
 chiefly. 
 
 Our political orators never lose a chance to " express their 
 views." 
 
 They will do it. You cannot stop them. 
 
 There was an execution in Ohio one day, and the Sheriff 
 before placing the rope round the murderer's neck, asked him 
 if he had any remarks to make 1 
 
 " If he hasn't," said a well-known local orator, pushing his 
 way rapidly through the dense crowd to the gallows — " if our 
 ill-starred feller-citizen don't feel inclined to make a speech, 
 
 ' 2p 
 
45o PYRO TECHNY. 
 
 and is in no hurry, I should like to avail myself of the present 
 occasion to make some remarks on the necessity of a new pro- 
 tective tariff ! " 
 
 X. — PETTINGILL S FIREWORKS. 
 
 As I said in Chapter VIII., there was an oration. There 
 were also processions, and guns, and banners. 
 
 " This evening," said the chairman of the committee of ar- 
 rangements, " this evening, fellow-citizens, there will be a 
 grand display of fireworks on the village green, superintended 
 by the inventor and manufacturer, our public-spirited towns- 
 man, Mr Eeuben Pettingill." 
 
 Night closed in, and an immense concourse of people gathered 
 on the village green. 
 
 On a raised platform, amidst his fireworks, stood Pettingill. 
 
 He felt that the great hour of his life was come, and, in a 
 firm, clear voice, he said : 
 
 " The fust fireworks, feller-citizens, will be a rocket, which 
 will go up in the air, bust, and assume the shape of a serpint." 
 
 He applied a match to the rocket, but instead of going up 
 in the air, it flew wildly down into the grass, running some 
 distance with a hissing kind of sound, and causing the masses 
 to jump round in a very insane manner. 
 
 Pettingill was disappointed, but not disheartened. He tried 
 again. 
 
 " The next fireworks," he said, " will go up in the air, bust, 
 and become a beautiful revolvin wheel." 
 
 But, alas ! it didn't. It only ploughed a little furrow in 
 the green grass, like its unhappy predecessor. 
 
 The masses laughed at this, and one man — a white-haired 
 old villager — said, kindly but firmly, " Eeuben, I 'm 'fraid 
 you don't understand pyrotechny." 
 
 Eeuben was amazed. Why did his rockets go down instead 
 of up? But, perhaps, the others would be more suqjtessful; 
 
PYROTECHNY. 451 
 
 and, with a flushed face, and in a voice scarcely as firm as 
 before, he said : 
 
 " The next specimen of pyrotechny will go up in the air, 
 bust, and become a eagle. Said eagle will soar away into the 
 western skies, leavin a red trail behind him as he so soars." 
 
 But, alas ! again. No eagle soared ; but, on the contrary, 
 that ordinarily proud bird buried its head in the grass. 
 
 The people were dissatisfied. They made sarcastic remarks. 
 Some of them howled angrily. . The aged man, who had before 
 spoken, said : 
 
 " No, Reuben, you evidently don't understand pyrotechny.'' 
 
 Pettingill boiled with rage and disappointment. 
 
 " You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses shouted. 
 
 Then they laughed in a disagreeable manner, and some un- 
 feelin lads threw dirt at our hero. 
 
 " You don't understand pyrotechny ! " the masses yelled 
 again. 
 
 " Don't II" screamed Pettingill, wild with rage ; " don't 
 you think I do ? " 
 
 Then seizing several gigantic rockets he placed them over a 
 box of powder, and touched the whole off. 
 
 This rocket went up. It did indeed. 
 
 There was a terrific explosion. 
 
 No one was killed, fortunately, though many were injured. 
 
 The platform was almost torn to pieces. 
 
 But proudly erect among the falling timbers stood Pettin- 
 gill, his face flashing with wild triumph ; and he shouted, " If 
 I 'm any judge of pyrotechny, that rocket has went off." 
 
 Then seeing that all the fingers on his right hand had been 
 taken close off in the explosion, he added, " And I ain't so 
 dreadful certain but four of my fingers has went off with it, 
 because I don't see 'em here now 1 " 
 
452 THE NEGRO QUESTION. 
 
 THE NEGRO QUESTION. 
 
 I WA§ sitting in the bar, quietly smokin a frugal pipe, when 
 two middle-aged and stern-looking females and a young and 
 pretty female, suddenly entered the room. They were accom- 
 panied by two umberellers and a negro gentleman. 
 
 "Do you feel for the down-trodden?" said one of the 
 females, a thin-faced and sharp-voiced person in green spec- 
 tacles. 
 
 " Do I feel for it ? " ansered the lan'lord, in a puzzled voice 
 — " do I feel for it 1" 
 
 " Yes ; for the oppressed, the benighted 1 " 
 
 " Inasmuch as to which ? " said the lan'lord. 
 
 " You see this man 1 " said the female, pintin her umbreller 
 at the negro gentleman. 
 
 " Yes, marm, I see him." 
 
 " Yes ! " said the female, raisin her voice to a exceedin high 
 pitch, " you see him, and he 's your brother ! " 
 
 " No, I 'm darned if he is ! " said the lan'lord, hastily 
 retreating to his beer-casks. 
 
 " And yours ! " shouted the excited female, addressing me. 
 " He is also your brother ! " 
 
 "No, I think not, marm," I pleasantly replied. "The 
 nearest we come to that colour in our family was the case of 
 my brother John. He had the janders for sev'ral years, but 
 they finally left him. I am happy to state that, at the present 
 time, he hasn't a solitary jander." 
 
 " Look at this man ! " screamed the female. 
 
 I looked at him. He was an able-bodied, well-dressed, 
 comfortable-looking negro. He looked as though he might 
 heave three or four good meals a day into him without a 
 murmur. 
 
 " Look at that down-trodden man ! " cried the female. 
 
 " Who trod on him t " I inquired. 
 
THE NEGRO QUESTION. 453 
 
 " Villains ! despots ! " 
 
 " Well," said the lan'lord, " why don't you go to the willins 
 ahout it % Why do you come here tellin us triggers is our 
 brothers, and hrandishin your umbrellers round us like a lot 
 of lunytics 1 You 're wuss than the sperrit-rappef s ! " 
 
 " Have you," said middle-aged female No. 2, who was a 
 quieter sort of person, " have you no sentiment — no poetry in 
 your soul — no love for the beautiful 1 Dost never go into the 
 green fields to cull the beautiful flowers ? " 
 
 "I not only never dost," said the landlord, in an angry 
 voice, " but I '11 bet you five pound you can't bring a man as 
 dares say I durst." 
 
 " The little birds," continued the female, " dost not love to 
 gaze onto them 1 " 
 
 " I would I were a bird, that I might fly to thou ! " I 
 humorously sung, casting a sweet glance at the pretty young 
 woman. 
 
 " Don't you look in that way at my dawter !" said female 
 No. 1, in a violent voice ; " you 're old enough to be her 
 father." 
 
 "'Twas an innocent look, dear madam," I softly said. 
 " You behold in me an emblem of innocence and purity. In 
 fact, I start for Rome by the first train to-morrow to sit as a 
 model to a celebrated artist who is about to Sculp a statue to 
 be called Sweet Innocence. Do you s'pose a sculper Would 
 send for me for that purpose onless he knowd I was over- 
 flowing with innocency? Don't make a error about me." 
 
 " It is my opinyn," said the leading female, " that you 're a 
 scoffer and a wretch ! Your mind is in a wusser beclouded 
 state than the poor negroes' we are seeking to aid. You are a 
 groper in the dark cellar of sin. sinful man ! 
 
 ' There is a sparkling fount, 
 Come, come, and drink.' 
 
 No : you will not come and drink." 
 
4S4 THE NEGRO QUESTION. 
 
 " Yes, he will," said the landlord, " if you '11 treat. Jest try 
 him." 
 
 "As for you," said the enraged female to the landlord, 
 " you 're a degraded bein, too low and wulgar to talk to." 
 
 " This is the sparklin fount for me, dear sister ! " cried the 
 lan'lord, drawin and drinkin a mug of beer. Having uttered 
 which goak, he gave a low rumblin larf, and relapst into 
 silence. 
 
 " My colored fren," I said to the negro, kindly, " what is it 
 all about?" 
 
 He said they was trying to raise money to send missionaries 
 to the Southern States in America to preach to the vast 
 numbers of negroes recently made free there. He said they 
 were without the gospel. They were without tracts. 
 
 I said, " My fren, this is a seris matter. I admire you for 
 trying to help the race to which you belong, and far be it from 
 me to say anything again carrying the gospel among the blacks 
 of the South. Let them go to them by all means. But I 
 happen to individually know that there are some thousands of 
 liberated blacks in the South who are starvin. I don't blame 
 anybody for this, but it -is a very sad fact Some are really 
 too ill to work, some can't get work to do, and others are too 
 foolish to see any necessity for workin. I was down there last 
 winter, and I observed that this class had plenty of preachin 
 for their souls, but skurce any vittles for their stummux. 
 Now, if it is proposed to send flour and bacon along with the 
 gospel, the idea is really a excellent one. If, on the t'other 
 hand, it is proposed to send preachin alone, all I can say is 
 that it 's a hard case for the niggers. If you expect a colored 
 person to get deeply interested in a tract when his stummuck 
 is empty, you expect too much." 
 
 I gave the negro as much as I could afford, and the kind- 
 hearted lan'lord did the same. I said : 
 
 "Farewell, my colored fren, I wish you well, certainly. 
 You are now as free as the eagle. Be like him and soar. 
 
ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. 455 
 
 But don't attempt to convert a Ethiopian person while his 
 stummuck yearns for vittles. And you, ladies — I hope you 
 are ready to help the poor and unfortunate at home, as you 
 seem to help the poor and unfortunate abroad." 
 
 When they had gone, the lan'lord said, " Come into the 
 garden, Ward." And we went and culled some carrots for 
 dinner. 
 
 XL 
 
 ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. 
 
 [The following fragment from the pen of Artemus Ward was written in 
 the last days of his illnesB, and was found amongst the loose papers on the 
 table beside his bed. It contains the last written jests of the dying jester, 
 and is illustrative of that strong spirit of humour which even extreme 
 exhaustion and the near approach of death itself could not wholly destroy. 
 
 There is an anecdote related of Thomas Hood to the effect that when 
 he was just upon the point of dying, his friend Mr F. 0. Ward visited him, 
 and, to amuse him, related some of his adventures in the low parts of the 
 metropolis in his capacity as a sanitory commissioner. "Pray desist," 
 said Hood; " your anecdotes give me the iach-slumrbago." The proximity 
 of death could no more deprive poor Artemus of his power to jest than it 
 could Thomas Hood. When nothing else was left him to joke upon, when 
 he could no longer seek fun in the city streets, or visit the Tower of 
 London and call it " a sweet boon," his own shattered self suggested a 
 theme for. jesting. He eommeneed this paper "On Health." The pur- 
 port of it, I believe, was to ridicule doctors generally ; for Artemus was 
 bitterly sarcastic on his medical attendants, and he had some good reason 
 for being so. A few weeks before he died a German physician examined 
 his throat with a laryngoscope, and told him that nothing was the matter 
 with him except a slight inflammation of the larynx. Another physician 
 told him that he had heart disease, and a third assured him that he merely 
 required his throat to be sponged two or three times a day, and take a 
 preparation of tortoiseshell for medicine, to perfectly recover! Every 
 doctor made a different diagnosis, and each had a different specific. One 
 alone of the many physicians to whom Artemus applied seemed to be fully 
 aware that the poor patient was dying of consumption in its most f ormid- 
 
 v . 
 
456 ARTEMUS WARD ON HEALTH. 
 
 able form. Not_merely phthisis, but a cessation of functions and a wasting 
 away of the organs most concerned in the vital processes. Artemus saw 
 how much the doctors were at fault, and used to smile at them with a 
 sadly scornful smile as they left the sick-room. " I must write a paper," 
 said he, " about health and doctors." The few paragraphs which follow 
 are, I believe, all that he wrote on the subject. Whether the matter 
 became too serious to him for further jesting, or whether his hand became 
 too weak to hold the pen, I cannot say. The article terminates as abruptly 
 as did the life of its gentle, kind, ill-fated author. E.. P. H.] 
 
 Ontil quite recent, I 've bin a helthy individooal. I 'm near 
 60, and yit I've got a muskle into my arms which don't 
 make my fists resemble the tread of a canary bird when they 
 fly out and hit a man. 
 
 Only a few weeks ago I was exhibitin in East Skowhegan, 
 in a b'ildin which had form'ly bin ockepied by a pugylist — one 
 of them fellers which hits from the shoulder, and teaches the 
 manly art of self-defens. And he cum and sed he was goin in 
 free, in consekence of previ'sly ockepyin sed b'ildin, with a 
 large yeller dog. I sed, " To be sure, sir, but not with those 
 yeiler dog." He sed, " Oh, yes." I sed, " Oh, no." He sed, 
 " Do you want to be ground to powder?" I sed, " Yes, I do, 
 if there is a powder-grindisfc handy." When he struck me a 
 disgustin blow in my left eye, which caused that concern to at 
 once close for repairs ; but he didn't hurt me any more. I 
 went for him. I went for him energet'cally. His parents 
 lived near by, and I will simply state that 15 minits after I'd 
 gone for him, his mother, seein the prostrate form of her 
 son approachin the house onto a shutter carrid by four men, 
 run out doors, keerfully looked him over, and sed, " My son, 
 you 've bin foolin round a thrashin masheen. . You went in at 
 the end where they put the grain in. come out with the straw, 
 and then got up in the thingumajig and let the hosses tred on 
 you, didn't you, my son ? " 
 
 You can jedge by this what a disagreeable person I am when 
 I 'm angry. 
 
 But to resoom about helth. I cum of a helthy fam'ly. 
 
A FRAGMENT. 457 
 
 The Wards has alius bin noted for helthihess. 
 • The fust of my ancestors that I know anything about was 
 Abijah "Ward and his wife, Abygil "Ward, who came over with 
 the Pilgrims in the Mayflower. Most of the Pilgrims was sick 
 on the passige, but my ancestor wasn't. Even when the tem- 
 pist raged and the billers howled, he sold another Pilgrim a kag 
 of apple sass. The Pilgrim who bo't it was angry when he 
 found that under a few layers of sass the rest was sawdust, and 
 my ancestor sed he wouldn't hav b'leeved sech wickedness 
 could exist, when he ascertained that the bill sed Pilgrim gave 
 him was onto a broken bank, and wasn't wuth the price of a 
 glass of new gin. It will be thus seen that my fust ancestor 
 had a commercial mind. 
 
 My ancestors has all bin helthy people, tho' their pursoots 
 in life has bin vari's. 
 
 XII. 
 
 A FRAGMENT. 
 
 [Among the papers, letters, and miscellanea left on the table of poor Ward 
 was found the fragment which follows. Diligent search failed to discover 
 any beginning or end to it. The probability is that it consists of part of 
 a paper intended to describe a, comic trip round England. To write a 
 comic itinerary of an English tour was one of the author's favourite ideas ; 
 and another favourite one was to travel on the Continent and compile a 
 comic Murray's Guide. No interest attaches to this mere scrap other than 
 that it exemplifies what the writer would have attempted had his life 
 been longer.] 
 
4S 8 A FRAGMENT. 
 
 At North Berwick there was a maniacal stampede toward the 
 little house by the railside, where they sell such immense 
 quantities of sponge-cake, which is very sweet and very yellow, 
 hut which lies rather more heavily on the stomach than raw 
 turnips, as I ascertained one day from actual experience. This 
 is not stated because I have any spite against this little house 
 by the railside. Their mince-pies are nobly made, and their 
 apple-pies are unsurpassed. Some years ago there used to be 
 a very pretty girl at this house, and one day, while I was 
 struggling rapidly with a piece of mince-pie, I was so unfortu- 
 nate as to wink slightly at her. The rash act was discovered 
 by a yellow-haired party, who stated that she was to be his 
 wife ere long, and that he " expected " he could lick any party 
 who winked at her. A cursory examination of his frame con- 
 vinced me that he could lick me with disgusting ease, so I told 
 him it was a complaint of the eyes. " They are both so," I 
 added, "and they have been so from infancy's hour. See 
 here ! " And I commenced winking in a frightful manner. I 
 escaped, but it was inconvenient for me for some time after- 
 wards, because whenever I passed over the road I- naturally 
 visited the refreshment house, and was compelled to wink in a 
 manner which took away the appetites of other travellers, and 
 one day caused a very old lady to state, with her mouth full 
 of sponge-cake, that she had cripples and drunkards in her 
 family, but, thanks to the heavens above, no idiots without 
 any control over their eyes, looking sternly at me as she 
 spoke. 
 
 That was years ago. Besides, the wink was a pure accident. 
 I trust that my unblemished character — but I will not detain 
 you further with this sad affair. 
 
 ***** 
 
 Aktemus Ward. 
 
ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. 
 
 From the " Cleveland Plain Dealer'' 
 
The following newspaper scraps and sketches are the earliest 
 writings of Artemus Ward that have been collected and pre- 
 served. They originally appeared in a paper called The 
 Cleveland Plain Dealer, published at Cleveland, in Ohio. At 
 the time of writing them the Author had not created his old 
 showman of Baldinsville. " He was a mere youth, employed as 
 reporter and assistant editor on the paper. The articles 
 appeared in various copies of the Plain Dealer during the 
 years 1859 and 1860. 
 
ESSAYS AND SKETCHES. 
 
 i. 
 
 RED HAND : A TALE OF REVENGE. 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 " Life 's but a walking shadow — a poor player." — Shakespeare. 
 " Let me die to sweet musio."^-/. W. ShucJcers. 
 
 " f^- forth, Clarence Stanley ! Hence to the bleak world, 
 V_T dog! You have repaid my generosity with the 
 blackest ingratitude. You have forged my name on a five 
 thousand dollar check — have repeatedly robbed my money- 
 drawer— have perpetrated a long series of high-handed villanies, 
 and now to-night, because, forsooth, I'll not give you more 
 money to spend on your dissolute companions, you break a 
 chair over my aged head. Away ! You are a young man of 
 small moral principle. Don't ever speak to me again ! " 
 
 These harsh words fell from the lips of Horace Blinker, one 
 of the merchant princes of New York city. He spoke to 
 Clarence Stanley, his adopted son. and a beautiful youth of 
 nineteen summers. In vain did Clarence plead his poverty, 
 his tender age and inexperience ; in vain did he fasten those 
 , lustrous blue eyes of hia appealingly and tearfully upon Mr 
 Blinker, and tell him he would make the pecuniary matter all 
 right in the fall, and that he merely shattered a chair over his 
 head by way of a joke. The stony-hearted man was remorse- 
 
462 RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 
 
 less, and that night Clarence Stanley became a wanderer in 
 the wide, wide world I As he bent forth he uttered these 
 words : — 
 
 "H. Blinker, beware! A Bed Hand is around, my fine 
 feller!" 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 " a man of strange, wild mien — one who has seen trouble." — Sir 
 
 Walter Scott. 
 
 " You ask me, Don't I wish to see the Constitution dissolved and broken 
 up ? I answer, Never, never, never ! " — E. W. Faxon. 
 
 " They will join our expedition." — A non. 
 
 " Go in on your muscle. " — President Buclumaris instructions to the Col- 
 lector of Toledo. 
 
 " Westward the hoe of Empire Stars its way."— George N. True. 
 
 "Where liberty dwells there is my kedentry."— C. R. Dennett. 
 
 Seventeen years have become ingulfed in the vast and moist 
 ocean of eternity since the scene depicted in the last chapter 
 occurred. We are in Mexico. Come with me to the Scar- 
 let Banditti's cave. It is night. A tempest is raging tempes- 
 tuously without, but within we find a scene of dazzling magni- 
 ficence. The cave is spacious. Chandeliers of solid gold hang 
 up suspended round the gorgeously furnished room, and the 
 marble floor is star-studded with flashing diamonds. It must 
 have cost between two hundred dollars to fit this cave up. It 
 embraced all the modern improvements. At the head of the 
 cave life-size photographs (by Eyder) of the bandits, and 
 framed in gilt, were hung up suspended. The bandits were 
 seated around a marble table, which was sculped regardless of 
 expense, and were drinking gin' and molasses out of golden 
 goblets. When they got out of gin, fresh supplies were brought 
 in by slaves from a two-horse waggon outside, which had been 
 captured that day, after a desperate and bloody struggle, by 
 the bandits, on the plains of Buena Vista. 
 
RED HAND : A TALE OF REVENGE. . 463 
 
 At the head of the table sat the Chief. His features were 
 swarthy but elegant. He was splendidly dressed in new 
 clothes, and had that voluptuous, dreamy air of grandeur 
 about him which would at once rivet the gaze of folks gene- 
 rally. In answer to a highly -enthusiastic call he arose and 
 delivered an able and eloquent speech. We regret that our 
 space does not permit us to give this truly great speech in full 
 — we can merely give a synopsis of the distinguished speaker's 
 remarks : " Comrades ! listen to your chief. You all know 
 my position on Lecompton. Where I stand in regard to low,, 
 tolls on the Ohio Canal is equally clear to you, and so with 
 the Central American question. I believe I understand my 
 little Biz. I decline defining my position on the Horse Rail- 
 road until after the Spring Election. Whichever way I says 
 I don't say so myself unless, I say so also. Comrades ! be 
 virtuous and you '11 be happy." The Chief sat down amidst 
 great applause, and was immediately presented with an elegant 
 gold-headed cane by his comrades, as a slight testimonial of 
 their respect. 
 
 chapter in. 
 
 "This is the last of earth." — Page. 
 
 " The hope of America lies in its well-conducted school-houses." — Bone. 
 
 " I wish it to be distinctly understood that I want the Union to be 
 Eeserved."— N. T. Nash. 
 
 " Sine qua non Ips Dixit Quid pro quo cui bono Ad infinitim E Unibus 
 plurum. ' ' — Brown. 
 
 Two hours later. Return we again to the Banditti's Cave. 
 Revelry still holds high carnival among the able and efficient 
 bandits. A knock is heard at the door. From his throne at 
 the head of the table the Chief cries : 
 
 " Come in ! " 
 
 And an old man, haggard, white-haired, and sadly bent, 
 enters the cave. 
 
464 . RED HAND: A TALE OF REVENGE. 
 
 "Messieurs," he tremblingly ejaculates, "for seventeen 
 years I have not tasted of food ! " 
 
 " Well," says a kind-hearted bandit, "if that's so I expect 
 you must be rather faint. "We'll get you up a warm meal 
 immediately, stranger." 
 
 " Hold ! " whispered the Chief in tones of thunder, and 
 rushing slowly to the spot ; " this is about played out. Be- 
 hold in me Bed Hand, the Bandit Chief, once Clarence 
 Stanley, whom you cruelly turned into a cold world seventeen 
 years ago this very night ! Old man, prepare to go up ! " 
 Saying which the Chief drew a sharp carving-knife and cut 
 off Mr Blinker's ears. He then scalped Mr B., and cut all of 
 his toes off. The old man struggled to extricate himself from 
 his unpleasant situation, but was unsuccessful. 
 
 " My goodness ! " he piteously exclaimed, " I must say you 
 are pretty rough. It seems to me " 
 
 This is all of this intensely interesting tale that will be pub- 
 lished in the Plain Dealer. The remainder of it may be found 
 in the great moral family paper, The Windy Flash, published 
 in New York, by Stimpkins. The Windy Flash circulates 
 4,000,000 copies weekly. 
 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED.* 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED. 
 IT IS THE ALL-FIREDEST PAPER EVER PRINTED 
 
 IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. 
 IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. 
 IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. 
 IT 'S THE CUSSEDEST BEST PAPER IN THE WORLD. 
 
 . * A burlesque on the style in which advertisements were set up by one 
 of the newspapers' of New York. 
 
THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 465 
 
 IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. 
 IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. 
 IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. 
 IT 'S A MORAL PAPER. 
 
 SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. 
 SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. 
 SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. 
 SOLD AT ALL THE CORNER GROCERIES. 
 
 II. 
 
 THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES — A DUEL IN CLEVELAND — DISTANCE 
 TEN PACES BLOODY RESULT — FLIGHT OF ONE OF THE PRIN- 
 CIPALS — FULL PARTICULARS. 
 
 A few weeks since a young Irishman named Culkins wandered ( 
 into Cleveland from New York. He had been in America only 
 a short time. He overflowed with book learning, • but was 
 mournfully ignorant of American customs, and as innocent 
 and confiding withal as the Babes in the Wood. He talked 
 much of his family, their commanding position in Connaught> 
 Ireland, their immense respectability, their chivalry, and all 
 that sort of thing. He was the only representative of that 
 mighty race in this country. "I'm the last of the Culkinses ! " 
 he would frequently say, with a tinge of romantic sadness, 
 meaning, we suppose, that he would be the last when the elder 
 Culkins (in the admire.d language of the classics) " slipped 
 his wind." Young Culkins proposed to teach Latin, Greek, 
 Spanish, Fardown Irish, and perhaps Choctaw, to such youths 
 as desired to become thorough linguists. He was not very 
 successful in this line, and concluded to enter the office of a 
 prominent law firm on Superior Street as a student. He dove 
 
 2 G 
 
466 THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 
 
 among the musty and ponderous volumes with all the enthusi- 
 asm of a wild young Irishman, and commenced cramming his 
 , head with law at a startling rate. He lodged in the hack- 
 room of the office, and previous to retiring he used to sing the 
 favourite ballads of his own Emerald Isle. The boy who was 
 employed in the office directly across the hall used to go to 
 the Irishman's door and stick his ear to the key-hole with a 
 view to drinking in the gushing melody by the quart or per- 
 haps pailful. This vexed Mr Culkins, and considerably marred 
 the pleasure of the thing, as witness the following : — 
 
 " come to me when daylight sets. 
 
 [What yez doing at that door, yer d d spalpane ?] 
 
 Sweet, then come to me ! 
 
 [I '11 twist the nose off yez presently, me honey !] 
 
 When softly glide our gondolettes 
 
 [Bedad, I '11 do murther to yez, young gintlemin !] 
 
 O'er the moonlit sea." 
 
 Of course, this couldn't continue. This, in short, was rather 
 more than the blood of the Culkinses could stand, so the young 
 man, through whose veins such a powerful lot of that blood 
 courses, sprang to the door, seized the eavesdropping boy, 
 drew him within, and commenced to severely chastise him. 
 The boy's master, the gentleman who occupied the office across 
 the hall, here interfered, pulled Mr Culkins off, thrust him 
 gently against the wall, and slightly choked him. Mr Culkins 
 bottled his furious wrath for that night, but in the morning he 
 uncorked it and threatened the gentleman (whom for con- 
 venience sake we will call Smith) with all sorts of vengeance. 
 He obtained a small horsewhip and tore furiously through the 
 town, on the look-out for Smith. 
 
 He sent Smith a challenge, couched in language so scath- 
 
THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 467 
 
 ingly hot that it burnt holes through the paper, and when it 
 reached Smith it was riddled like an old-fashioned milk- 
 strainer. No notice was taken of the challenge, and Culkins' 
 wrath became absolutely terrific. He wrote handbills, which 
 he endeavoured to have printed, posting Smith as a coward. 
 He wrote a communication for the New Herald, explaining the 
 whole matter. (This wasn't very rich, we expect.) He urged 
 us to publish his challenge to Smith. Somebody told him that 
 Smith was intending to flee the city in fear on an afternoon 
 train, and Culkins proceeded to the depot, horsewhip in hand, 
 to lie in wait for him. This was Saturday last. During the 
 afternoon Smith concluded to accept the challenge. Seconds 
 and a surgeon were selected, and we are mortified to state that 
 at 10 o'clock in the evening Scanton's Bottom was desecrated 
 with a regular duel. The frantic glee of Culkins when he 
 learned his challenge had been accepted can't be described. 
 Our pen can't do it — a pig-pen couldn't. He wrote a long 
 letter- to his uncle in New York, and to his father in Con- 
 naught. At about ten o'clock the party proceeded to the field. 
 The moon was not up, the darkness was dense, the ground was 
 unpleasantly moist, and the lights of the town, which gleamed 
 in the distance, only made the scene more desolate and dreary. 
 The ground was paced off and the men arranged. While this 
 was being done, the surgeon, by the light of a dark lantern, 
 arranged his instruments, which consisted of 1 common hand- 
 saw, 1 hatchet, 1 butcher knife, a large variety of smaller 
 knives, and a small mountain of old rag. Neither of the prin- 
 cipals exhibited any fear. Culkins insisted that, as the chal- 
 lenging party, he had the right to the word fire. This, after 
 a bitter discussion, was granted. He urged his seconds to 
 place him facing towards the town, so that the lights would be 
 in his favour. This was done without any trouble, the im- 
 mense benefits of that position not being discovered by Smith's 
 second. 
 
 " If I fall," said Culkins to his second, " see me respectably 
 
468 THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 
 
 buried and forward bill to Connaught. Believe me, it will be 
 cashed." The arms (horse-pistols) were given to the men, and 
 one of Culkins' seconds said : 
 
 " Gentlemen, are you ready % " 
 
 Smith. — Eeady. 
 
 Culkins. — Ready. The blood of the Culkinses is aroused ! 
 
 Second. — One, Two, Three — fire ! 
 
 Culkins' pistol didn't go off. Smith didn't fire. 
 
 " That was generous in Smith not to fire," said a second. 
 
 " It was inDADE," said Culkins ; " I did not think it of the 
 low-lived scoundrel ! " 
 
 The word was again given. Crack went both pistols simul- 
 taneously. The smoke slowly cleared away, and the principals 
 were discovered standing stock-still. The silence and stillness 
 for a moment were awful. No one moved. Soon Smith was 
 seen to reel and then to slowly fall. His second and the sur- 
 geon rushed to him. Culkins made a tremendous effort to fly 
 from the field, but was restrained by his seconds. 
 
 " The honour of the Culkinses," he roared, " is untarnished — 
 
 why the divil won't yez let me go ? H ll's blazes, men, 
 
 will yez be after giving me over to the bailiffs ? Docther, 
 Docther ! " he shouted, " is he mortally wounded 1 " 
 
 The doctor said he could not tell — that he was wounded in 
 the shoulder — that a carriage would be sent for and the 
 wounded man taken to his house. Here a heart-rending groan 
 came from Smith, and Culkins, with a Donnybrook shriek, 
 burst from his seconds, knocked over the doctor's lantern, and 
 fled towards the town like greased lightning amidst a chorus 
 of excited voices. 
 
 " Hold him ! " 
 
 "Stop him!" 
 
 " Grab him by the coat-tails ! " 
 
 " Shoot him !." 
 
 " Head him off ! " 
 
 And half of the party started after him at an express-train 
 
THE LAST OF THE CULKINSES. 469 
 
 rate. There was some very fine running indeed. Culkins was 
 brought to a sudden stop against a tall board fence, but he 
 sprang back and cleared it like an English hunter, and tore 
 like a lunatic for the city. Half an hour later the party might 
 have been seen, if it hadn't been so pesky dark, groping blindly 
 around the office in which Culkins had been a student at law. 
 
 " Are you here, Culkins ? " said one. , 
 
 " Before Culkins answers that," said a smothered voice in 
 the little room, " tell me who yez are." 
 
 " Friends — your seconds ! " 
 
 " Gintlemin, Culkins is here. The last of the Culkinses is 
 under the bed." 
 
 He was dragged out. 
 
 " I hope," he said, " the ignoble wretch is not dead, but I 
 call you to witness, gintlemin, that he grossly insulted me.'' 
 
 [We don't care what folks say, but choking a man is a gross 
 insult.— Ed. P.D.] 
 
 He was persuaded to retire. There was no danger of his 
 being disturbed that night, as the watch were sleeping sweetly 
 as usual in the big arm-chairs of the various hotels, and he 
 would be able to fly the city in the morning. He had a hag- 
 gard and worn-out look yesterday morning. Two large bailiffs, 
 he said, had surrounded the building in the night, and he had 
 not slept a wink. And to add to his discomfiture his coat was 
 covered with a variegated and moist mixture, which he thought 
 must be some of the brains of his opponent, they having spat- 
 tered against him as he passed the dying man in his flight 
 from the field. As Smith was not dead (though the surgeon 
 said he would be confined to his house for several weeks, and 
 there was some danger of mortification setting in), Culkins 
 wisely concluded that the mixture might be something else. 
 A liberal purse was made up for him, and at an early hour 
 yesterday morning the last of the Culkinses went down St 
 Clair Street on a smart trot. He took this morning's Lake- 
 shore express train at some way-station, and is now oil his 
 
470 HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS. 
 
 way to New York. The most astonishing thing about the 
 whole affair is the appearance on the street to-day, apparently 
 well and unhurt, of the gentleman who was so badly " wounded 
 Min the shoulder." But a duel was actually " fit." 
 
 III. 
 
 HOW OLD ABE RECEIVED THE NEWS OF HIS NOMINATION. 
 
 There are several reports afloat as to how " Honest Old Abe " 
 received the news of his nomination, none of which are correct. 
 "We give the correct report. 
 
 The Official Committee arrived in Springfield at dewy eve, 
 and went to Honest Old Abe's house. Honest Old Abe was 
 not in. Mrs Honest Old Abe said Honest Old Abe was out 
 in the woods splitting rails. So the Official Committee went 
 out into the wood, where sure enough they found Honest Old 
 Abe splitting rails with his two boys. It was a grand, a mag- 
 nificent spectacle. There stood Honest Old Abe in his shirt- 
 sleeves, a pair of leather home-made suspenders holding up a 
 pair of home-made pantaloons, the seat of which was neatly 
 patched with substantial cloth of a different colour. 
 
 " Mr Lincoln, sir, you 've been nominated, sir, for the 
 highest office, sir " 
 
 " Oh, don't bother me," said Honest Old Abe ; " I took a 
 stent this mornin to split three million rails afore night, and I 
 don't want to be pestered with no stuff about no Conventions 
 till I get my stent done. I 've only got two hundred thousand 
 rails to split before sundown. I kin do it if you '11 let me 
 alone." 
 
 And the great man went right on splitting rails, paying no 
 attention to the Committee whatever. The Committee were 
 
ROBERTO THE ROVER. 471 
 
 lost in admiration for a few moments, when they recovered, 
 and asked one of Honest Old Abe's boys whose boy he was 1 
 
 " I 'm my parents' boy," shouted the urchin, which burst of 
 wit so convulsed the Committee that they came very near 
 ' gin'in eout ' completely. 
 
 In a few moments Honest Old Abe finished his task, and 
 received the news with perfect self-possession. He then asked 
 them up to the house, where he received them cordially. He 
 said he split three million rails every day, although he was 
 in very poor health. Mr Lincoln is a jovial man, and has a 
 keen sense of the ludicrous. During the evening he asked Mr 
 Evarts of New York, " Why Chicago was like a hen crossing 
 the street ? " Mr Evarts gave it up. " Because," said Mr 
 Lincoln, " Old Grimes is dead, that good old man ! " This 
 exceedingly humorous thing created the most uproarious 
 laughter. 
 
 IV. 
 
 ROBERTO THE ROVER : A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE. 
 CHAPTER I. — FRANCE. 
 
 Our story opens in the early, part of the year 17 — . France 
 was rocking wildly from centre to circumference. The arch 
 despot and unscrupulous man, Bichard the III., was trembling 
 like an aspen leaf upon his throne. He had been successful, 
 through the valuable aid of Richelieu and Sir Win. Donn, in 
 destroying the Orleans Dysentery, but still he trembled ! 
 O'Mulligan, the snake-eater of Ireland, and Schnappsgoot of 
 Holland, a retired dealer in gin and sardines, had united their 
 f orces — S ome nineteen men and a brace of bull pups in all — 
 and were overtly at work, their object being to oust the 
 tyrant. O'Mulligan was a young man between fifty-three 
 years of age, and was chiefly distinguished for being the son 
 
472 ROBERTO THE ROVER: 
 
 of his aunt on his great-grandfather's side. Schnappsgoot was 
 a man of liberal education, having passed three weeks at 
 Oberlin College. He was a man of great hardihood, also, and 
 would frequently read an entire column of " railway matters " 
 in the Cleveland Herald without shrieking with agony. 
 
 CHAPTBB II. — THE KING. 
 
 The tyrant Eichard the III. (late Mr Gloster) sat upon his 
 throne in the' Palace d' St Cloud. He was dressed in his best 
 clothes, and gorgeous trappings surrounded him everywhere. 
 Courtiers, in glittering and golden armour, stood ready at his 
 beck. He sat moodily for a while, when suddenly his sword 
 flashed from its silvern scabbard, and he shouted : 
 
 " Slaves, some wine, ho ! " 
 
 The words had scarcely escaped his lips ere a bucket of 
 champagne and a hoe were placed before him. 
 
 As the King raised the bucket to his lips, a deep voice near 
 by, proceeding from the mouth of the noble Count Staghisnibs, 
 cried, " Drink hearty, old feller.'' 
 
 " Eeports, travelling on lightning-wings, whisper of strange 
 goings on and cuttings up throughout this kingdom. Knowest 
 thou aught of these things, most noble Hellitysplit i " and the 
 King drew from the upper pocket of his gold-faced vest a paper 
 of John Anderson's solace and proceeded to take a chaw. 
 
 " Treason stalks monster-like throughout unhappy France, 
 my liege ! " said the noble Hellitysplit. The ranks of the P. 
 Q. R's are daily swelling, and the G. E. J. A.'s are constantly 
 on the increase. Already the peasantry scout at cat-fish, and 
 demand pickled salmon for their noonday repasts. But, my 
 liege," and the brave Hellitysplit's eyes flashed fire, " myself 
 and sword are at thy command ! " 
 
 " Bully for you, Count," said the King. '* But soft : me- 
 thinks report — perchance unjustly — hast spoken suspiciously 
 
A TALE OF SEA AND SHORE. 473 
 
 of thee, most Eoyal d' Sardine ? How is this 1 Is it a news- 
 paper yarn i What 's up 1 " 
 
 D'Sardine meekly approached the throne, knelt at the King's 
 feet, and said : " Most patient, gray, and red-headed skinner ; 
 my very approved shin-plaster : that I 've been asked to drink 
 by the P. Q. E.'s, it is most true ; true, I have imbibed sundry 
 mugs of lager with them. The very head and front of my 
 offending hath this extent, no more.'' 
 
 " 'Tis well ! " said the King, rising and looking fiercely 
 around. Hadst thou proved false I would with my own good 
 sword have cut off yer head, and spilled your ber-lud all over ' 
 the floor ! If I wouldn't blow me ! " 
 
 CHAPTER III. — THE HOVER. 
 
 Thrilling as these scenes depicted in the preceding chapter 
 indubitably were, those of this are decidedly thrillinger. 
 Again are we in the mighty presence of the King, and again 
 is he surrounded by splendour ind gorgeously-mailed courtiers. 
 A seafaring man stands before him. It is Roberto the Eover, 
 disguised as a common sailor. 
 
 " So," said the King, " thou wouldst have audience with me !" 
 
 "Ay, ay, yer 'onor," said the sailor, "just tip us yer 
 grapplin irons and pipe all hands on deck. Eeef home yer 
 jibpoop and splice yer main topsuls. Man the jibboom and 
 let fly yer top-gallunts. I've seen some salt water in my 
 days, yer land lubber, but shiver my timbers if I hadn't rather 
 coast among seagulls than landsharks. My name is Sweet 
 William. You 're old Dick the Three ! Ahoy ! Awast ! 
 Dam my eyes ! " and Sweet William pawed the marble floor 
 and swung his tarpaulin after the manner of sailors on the 
 stage, and consequently not a bit like those on shipboard. 
 
 " Mariner," said the King, gravely, " thy language is ex^ 
 ceeding lucid, and leads me to infer that things is workin bad." 
 
 " Ay, ay, my hearty ! " yelled Sweet William, in dulcet 
 
474 ROBERTO THE ROVER. 
 
 strains, reminding the King of the " voluptuous smell of 
 physic," spoken of by the late Mr Byron. 
 
 " What wouldst thou, seafaring man 1 " asked the King. 
 
 " This ! " cried the Eover, suddenly taking off his maritime 
 clothing and putting on an expensive suit of silk, bespangled 
 with diamonds — " This ! I am Roberto the Eover ! " 
 
 The King was thunderstruck. Cowering back in his chair 
 of state, he said in a tone of mingled fear and amazement, 
 " Well, may I be gaul-darned ! " 
 
 "Ber-lud! ber-lud ! ber-lud!" shrieked the Eover, as he 
 drew a horse-pistol and fired it at the King, who fell fatally 
 killed, his last words being, " We are governed too much — 
 
 THIS IS THE LAST OF EARTH ! ! ! " 
 
 At this exciting juncture Messrs O'Mulligan and Schnapps- 
 goot (who had previously entered into a copartnership with 
 the Eover for the purpose of doing a general killing business) 
 burst into the room and cut off the heads and let out the in- 
 wards of all the noblemen they encountered. They then 
 killed themselves and died like heroes, wrapped up in the 
 Star-Spangled Banner, to slow music. 
 
 The Eover fled. He was captured near Marseilles and 
 thrust into prison, where he lay for sixteen weary years, all 
 attempts to escape being futile. One night a lucky thought 
 struck him. He raised the window and got out. But he was 
 unhappy. Eemorse and dyspepsia preyed upon his vitals. 
 He tried Bcerhave's Holland Bitters and the Eetired Physi- 
 cian's Sands of Life, and got well. He then married the 
 lovely Countess d' Smith, and lived to a green old age, being 
 the t'iumph of virtue and downfall of vice. 
 
ABOUT EDITORS. 475 
 
 V. 
 
 ABOUT EDITORS. 
 
 We hear a great deal, and something too much, about the 
 poverty of. editors. It is common for editors to parade 
 their poverty and joke about it in their papers.* We see 
 these witticisms almost every day of our lives. Sometimes the 
 editor does the " vater vorks business," as Mr Samuel Weller 
 called weeping, and makes pathetic appeals to his subscribers. 
 Sometimes he is in earnest when he makes these appeals, but 
 why " on airth " does he stick to a business that will not sup- 
 port him decently? We read of patriotic and lofty-minded 
 individuals who sacrifice health, time, money, and perhaps 
 life, for the good of humanity, the Union, and that sort of 
 thing, but we don't see them very often. We must say that 
 we could count up all the lofty patriots in this line that we 
 have ever seen, during our brief but chequered and romantic 
 career, in less than half a day. A man who clings to a 
 wretchedly paying business, when he can make himself and 
 others near and dear to him fatter and happier by doing 
 something else, is about as near an ass as possible, and not 
 hanker after green grass and corn in the ear. The truth is, 
 editors as a class are very well fed, groomed and harnessed. 
 They have some pains that other folk do not have, and they 
 also have some privileges which the community in general 
 can't possess. While we would not advise the young reader 
 to " go for an editor," we assure him he can do much worse. 
 He musn't spoil a flourishing blacksmith or popular victualler 
 in making an indifferent editor of himself, however. He must 
 
 * Western editors are apt to make their impecuniosity a matter of joke. 
 Whenever the editor of a newspaper in a small town of the Far West has 
 nothing better to fill up a column with, he resorts to the topic ever upper- 
 most in his mind,. and reminds his subscribers how desirable it is that they 
 should pay up their subscriptions. 
 
475 EDITING. 
 
 be endowed with some fancy and imagination to enchain the 
 public eye. It was Smith, we believe, or some other man with 
 ,111 odd name, who thought Shakspeare lacked the requisite 
 fancy and imagination for a successful editor. 
 
 To those persons who can't live by printing papers we would 
 say, in the language of the profligate boarder when dunned for 
 his bill, being told at the same time by the keeper of the house 
 that he couldn't board people for nothing, " Then sell out to 
 somebody who can ! " In other words, fly from a business 
 which don't remunerate. But as we intimated before, there 
 is much gammon in the popular editorial cry of poverty. 
 
 Just now we see a touching paragraph floating through the 
 papers to the eifect that editors don't live out half their years ; 
 that, poor souls! they wear themselves out for the benefit of 
 a cold and unappreciating world. We don't believe it. Gentle 
 reader, don't swallow it. It is a footlight trick to work on 
 your feelings. For ourselves, let us say, that unless we slip 
 up considerably on our calculations, it will be a long time be- 
 fore our fellow-citizens will have the melancholy pleasure of 
 erecting to our memory a towering monument of Parian marble 
 on the Public Square. 
 
 VI. 
 
 EDITING. 
 
 Before you go for an Editor, young man, pause and take a 
 big think ! Do not rush into the editorial harness rashly. 
 Look around and see if there is not an omnibus to drive — some 
 soil somewhere to be tilled— a clerkship on some meat cart to 
 be filled — anything that is reputable and healthy, rather than 
 going for an Editor, which is hard business at best. 
 
 We are not a horse, and consequently have never been called 
 upon to furnish the motive power for a threshing-machine; 
 
EDITING. 477 
 
 but we fancy that the life of the Editor who is forced to write, 
 write, write, whether he feels right or not, is much like that of 
 the steed in question. If the yeas and neighs could be ob- 
 tained, we believe the intelligent horse would decide that the 
 threshing-machine is preferable to the sanctum editorial. 
 
 The Editor's work is never done. He is drained incessantly, 
 and no wonder that he dries up prematurely. r Other people 
 can attend banquets, weddings, &c. ; visit halls of dazzling 
 light, get inebriated, break windows, lick a man occasionally, 
 and enjoy themselves in a variety of ways j but the Editor 
 cannot. He must stick tenaciously to his quill. The press, 
 like a sick baby, mustn't be left alone for a minute. If the 
 press is left to run itself even for a day, some absurd person 
 indignantly orders the carrier-boy to stop bringing "that in- 
 fernal paper. There's nothing in it. I won't have it in the 
 louse!" 
 
 The elegant Mantalini, reduced to mangle- turning, described 
 his life as " a dem'd horrid grind." The life of the Editor is 
 all of that. 
 
 But there is a good time coming, we feel confident, for the 
 Editor. A time when he will be appreciated. When he will 
 have a front seat. When he will have pie every day, and wear 
 store clothes* continually. When the harsh cry of " stop my 
 paper "' will no more grate upon his ears. Courage, Messieurs 
 the Editors ! Still, sanguine as we are of the coming of this 
 jolly time, we advise the aspirant for editorial honours to pause 
 ere he takes up the quill as a means of obtaining his bread and 
 butter. Do not, at least, do so until you have been, jilted 
 several dozen times by a like number of girls ; until you have 
 been knocked down-stairs several times and soused in a horse- 
 pond ; until all the " gushing " feelings within you have been 
 thoroughly subdued ; until, in short, your hide is of rhinoceros 
 thickness. Then, aspirants for the bubble reputation at the 
 
 * Store clothes.— Ready-made garments are so called in the States. 
 
478 POPULARITY. 
 
 press's mouth, throw yourselves among the inkpots, dust, and 
 cobwebs of the printing office, if you will. 
 
 • * * Good my lord, will you see the Editors well be- 
 stowed 1 Do you hear, let them be well used, for they are the 
 abstract and brief chroniclers of the time. After your death 
 you had better have a bad epitaph than their ill report while 
 you live. ■ Hamlet, slightly altered. 
 
 VII. 
 
 POPULARITY. 
 
 What a queer thing is popularity ! Bill Pug Nose of the 
 "Plug-Uglies"* acquires a world-wide reputation by smashing 
 up the " champion of light weights," sets up a Saloon upon it, 
 and realises the first month ; while our Missionary, who col- 
 lected two hundred blankets last August, and at that time 
 saved a like number of little negroes in the West Indies from 
 freezing, has received nothing but the yellow fever. The Hon. 
 Oracular M. Matterson becomes able to withstand any quantity 
 of late nights and bad brandy, is elected to Congress, and lob- 
 bies through contracts by which he realises some 50,000 dol- 
 lars; while private individuals lose 100,000 dollars by the 
 Atlantic Cable. Contracts are popular — the cable isn't. 
 Fiddlers, Prima Donnas, Horse Operas, learned pigs, and five- 
 legged calves travel through the country, reaping "golden 
 opinions," while editors, inventors, professors, and humani- 
 tarians generally, are starving in garrets. Revivals of religion, 
 fashions, summer resorts, and pleasure trips, are exceedingly 
 popular, while trade, commerce, chloride of lime, and all the 
 concomitants necessary to' render the inner life of denizens of 
 
 * Plug-Uglies. — The name given to an infamous gang of ruffians winch 
 once had its head-quarters in Baltimore. 
 
A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY. 479 
 
 cities tolerable, are decidedly rum est. Even water, which was 
 so popular and populous a few weeks agone, comes to us in 
 such stinted sprinklings that it has become popular to supply- 
 it only from hydrants in sufficient quantities to raise one 
 hundred disgusting smells in a distance of two blocks. 
 Monsieur Eevierre, with nothing but a small name and a large 
 quantity of hair, makes himself exceedingly popular with 
 hotelkeepers and a numerous progeny of female Flaunts and 
 Blounts, while Felix Smooth and Mr Chink, who persistently 
 set forth their personal and more substantial marital charms 
 through the columns of the New York Herald, have only re- 
 ceived one interview each — one from a man in female attire, 
 and the other from the keeper of an unmentionable house. 
 Popularity is a queer thing, very. If you don't believe us, 
 try it ! 
 
 VIII. 
 
 A LITTLE DIFFICULTY IN THE WAY. 
 
 An enterprising travelling agent for a well-known Cleveland 
 Tombstone Manufactory lately made a business visit to a small 
 town in an adjoining county. Hearing, in the village, that a 
 man in a remote part of the township had lost his wife, he 
 thought he would go and see him, and offer him consolation 
 and a gravestone, on his usual reasonable terms. He started. 
 The road was a frightful one, but the agent persevered, and 
 finally arrived at the bereaved man's house. Bereaved man's 
 hired girl told the agent that the bereaved man was splitting 
 fence rails " over in the pastur, about two milds." The inde- 
 fatigable agent hitched his horse and started for the " pastur." 
 After falling into all manner of mudholes, scratching himself 
 with briers, and tumbling over decayed logs, the agent at 
 length found the bereaved man. In a subdued voice he asked 
 
4 8o OTHELLO. 
 
 the man if he had lost his wife. The man said he had. The 
 agent was very sorry to hear of it, and sympathised, with the 
 man very deeply in his great affliction ; but death, he said, 
 was an insatiate archer, and shot down all, both of high and 
 low degree. Informed the man that " what was his loss was 
 her gain," and would be glad to sell him a gravestone to mark 
 the spot where the beloved one slept — marble or common 
 stone, as he chose, at prices defying competition. The bereaved 
 man said there was " a little difficulty in the way." 
 
 " Haven't you lost your wife J" inquired the agent. 
 
 " Why, yes, I have," said the man, " but no gravestun ain't 
 necessary : you see the cussed critter ain't dead. She 's 
 
 SCOOTED WITH ANOTHER MAN !" 
 
 The agent retired. 
 
 IX. 
 
 OTHELLO. 
 
 Everybody knows that this is one of Mr W. Shakspeare's 
 best and most attractive plays. The public is more familiar 
 with Othello than any other of " the great Bard's " efforts. It 
 is the most-quoted from by writers and orators, Hamlet perhaps 
 excepted, and provincial theatres seem to take more delight in 
 doing it than almost any other play extant, legitimate or other- 
 wise. The scene is laid in Venice. Othello, a warm-hearted, 
 impetuous, and rather verdant Moorish gentleman, consider- 
 ably in the military line, falls in love and marries Desdemona, 
 daughter of the Hon. Mr Brabantio, who represents one of the 
 " back districts" in the Venetian Senate. The Senator is quite 
 vexed at this — rends his linen and swears considerably — but 
 finally dries up, requesting the Moor to remember that Desde- 
 mona has deceived her Pa, and bidding him to look out that 
 she don't likewise come it over him, " or words to that effect." 
 
OTHELLO. 481 
 
 Mr and Mrs Othello get along very pleasantly for a while. She 
 is sweet-tempered and affectionate — a nice, sensible woman, 
 not at all inclined to pantaloons, he-female conventions, pickled- 
 beets, and other "strong-minded" arrangements. He is a 
 likely man and " a good provider." But a man named Iago, 
 who, we believe, wants to get Mr 0. out of his snug govern- 
 ment berth that he may get into it, systematically and effec- 
 tually ruins the Othello household. Had there been a Lecomp- 
 ton Constitution up, Iago would have been an able and eloquent 
 advocate of it. and would thus have got Othello's position, for 
 the Moor would have utterly repudiated that pet scheme of 
 the Devil and several other gentlemen, whose names we omit 
 out of regard for the feelings of their parents. Lecompton 
 wasn't a " test," however, and Iago took another course to oust 
 Othello. He fell in with a brainless young man named Rode- 
 rigo, and won all of his money at euchre. (Iago always played 
 foul.) We suppose he did this to procure funds to help him 
 carry out his vile scheme. Michael Cassio, whose first name 
 would imply that he was of the Irish persuasion, was the un- 
 fortunate individual selected by Mr I. as his principal tool. 
 This Cassio was a young officer of considerable promise and 
 high moral worth. He yet unhappily had a weakness for 
 drink, and through this weakness Mr I. determined to " fetch 
 him." He accordingly proposed a drinking bout with Michael. 
 Michael drank faithfully every time, but Iago adroitly threw 
 his whisky on the floor. While Cassio is pouring the liquor 
 down his throat Iago sings a popular bacchanalian song, the 
 first verse of which is as follows : — 
 
 " And let me the eanakin clink, clink, 
 And let me the eanakin clink : 
 A soldier's a man, 
 A life's but a span, 
 Why, then, let a soldier drink." 
 
 And the infatuated young man does drink. The " eanakin is 
 
 2 H 
 
482 OTHELLO. 
 
 clinked" until Michael gets tight as a boiled owl.* He has 
 about seven inches of whisky in him. He says he is sober, and 
 thinks he can walk a crack with distinguished success. He 
 then grows religious and " hopes to be saved." He then wants 
 to fight, and allows he can lick a yard full of the Venetian 
 fancy. He falls in with Eoderigo and proceeds to smash him. 
 Montano undertakes to stop Cassio, when that intoxicated 
 person stabs him. Iago pretends to be very sorry to see 
 Michael conduct himself in this improper manner, and under- 
 takes to smooth the thing over to Othello, who rushes in with 
 a drawn sword and wants to know what 's up. Iago cunningly 
 gives his villainous explanation, and Othello tells Michael that 
 he loves him, but he can't train in his regiment any more. 
 Desdemona, the gentle and good, sympathises with Cassio, and 
 intercedes for him with the Moor. Iago gives the Moor to 
 understand that she does this because she likes Michael better 
 than she does his own dark-faced self, and intimates that their 
 relations (Desdemona's and Michael's) are of an entirely too 
 friendly character. The Moor believes the villain's yarn, and 
 commences making himself unhappy and disagreeable gene- 
 rally. Iago tells , Othello what he heard Cassio say about 
 " sweet Desdemona" in his dreams, but of course the story was 
 a creation of Iago's fruitful brain — in short, a lie. The poor 
 Moor swallows it, though, and storms terribly. He grabs Iago 
 by the throat, and tells him to give him the ocular proof. 
 Iago becomes virtuously indignant, and is sorry he mentioned 
 the subject to the Moor. The Moor relents and believes Iago. 
 He then tortures Desdemona with his foul suspicions, and 
 finally smothers her with a pillow while she is in bed. Mrs 
 Iago, who is a woman of spirit, comes in on the Moor just as 
 he has finished the murder. She gives it to him right smartly, 
 and shows him he has been terribly deceived. Mr Iago enters. 
 Mrs Iago pitches into him, and he stabs her. Othello gives 
 him a piece of his mind and subsequently a piece of his sword 
 * Tight as a boiled owl. — In other words, thoroughly intoxicated. 
 
SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. 4S3 
 
 Iago, with a sardonic smile, says he bleeds, but isn't hurt 
 much. He then walks up to Othello, and with another sar- 
 donic smile, points to the death-couch of poor Desdemona. 
 He then goes off. Othello tells the assembled dignitaries that 
 he has done the State some service, and they know it • asks 
 them to speak of him as he is, and do as fair a thing as they 
 can under the circumstances ; calls himself a circumcised dog, 
 and kills himself, which is the most sensible thing he can do. 
 
 X. 
 
 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. 
 
 There is some fun outside the Fair Ground. Any number of 
 mountebanks have pitched their tents there, and are exhibiting 
 all sorts of monstrosities to large and enthusiastic audiences. 
 There are some eloquent men among the showmen. Some of 
 them are Demosthenic. We looked around among them 
 during the last day we honoured the Fair with our brilliant 
 presence, and were rather pleased at some things we heard 
 and witnessed. 
 
 The man with the fat woman and the little woman and the 
 little man was there. 
 
 " 'Ere 's a show, now," said he, " worth seeing. 'Ere 's a en- 
 tertainment that improves the morals. P. T. Barnum — you 've 
 all hearn o' him. What did he say to me ? Sez he to me, sez P. 
 T. Barnum, ' Sir, you have the all-firedest best show travelin ! ' 
 —and all to be seen for the small sum of fifteen cents ! " 
 
 The man with the blue hog was there. Says he, " Gentle- 
 MEN, this beast can't turn round in a crockery grate ten feet 
 square, and is of a bright indigo blue. Over five hundred 
 persons have seen this wonderful being this mornin, and they 
 said as they come out, ' What can these 'ere things be ? Is it 
 alive 1 Doth it breathe and have a being ? Ah yes, they say, 
 
484 SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. 
 
 it is true, and we have saw a entertainment as we never saw 
 afore. 'Tis nature's [only fifteen cents — 'ere's your change, 
 sir] own sublime handiworks ' — and walk right in." 
 
 The .man with the wild mare was there. 
 
 " Now, then, my friends, is your time to see the gerratist 
 queeriosity in the liyin' world — a wild mare without no hair — 
 captered on the roarin wild prahayries of the*far distant West 
 by sixteen Injuns. Don't fail to see this gerrate exhibition. 
 Only fifteen cents. Don't go hum without seein the State 
 Fair, an' you won't see the State Fair without you see my 
 show. Gerratist exhibition in the known world, an' all for the 
 small sum of fifteen cents." 
 
 Two gentlemen connected with the press here walked up and 
 asked the showman, in a still small voice, if he extended the 
 usual courtesies, to editors. He said he did, and requested 
 them to go in. While they were in some sly dog told him 
 their names. When they came out the showman pretended 
 to talk with them, though he didn't say a word. They were 
 evidently in a hurry. 
 
 "There, gentleMEN-, what do you think them gentlemen 
 
 say 1 They air editors — editors, gentleMEN — Mr ~ of the 
 
 Cleveland , and Mr of the Detroit , and 
 
 they say it is the gerratist show they ever seed in their born 
 days ! " 
 
 [Nothing but the tip ends of the editors' coat-tails could be 
 seen when the showman concluded this speech.] 
 
 A smart-looking chap was doing a brisk business with a 
 gambling contrivance. Seeing two policemen approach, he. 
 rapidly and ingeniously covered the dice up, mounted his 
 table, and shouted : 
 
 " Ere 's the only great show on the grounds ! The highly- 
 trained and performing Mud Turtle with nine heads and 
 seventeen tails, captured in a well-fortified hencoop, after a 
 desperate struggle, in the lowlands of the Wabash ! ! " 
 
 The facetious wretch escaped. 
 
SCENES OUTSIDE THE FAIR GROUND. 485 
 
 A grave, ministerial-looking and elderly man in a white 
 choker had a gift-enterprise concern. "My friends," he 
 solemnly said, " you will observe that this jewellery is elegant 
 indeed, but I can afford to give it away, as I have a twin 
 brother seven years older than I am, in New York City, who 
 steals it a great, deal faster than I can give it away. No 
 blanks, my friends— all prizes— and only fifty cents a chance. 
 I don't make anything myself, my friends — all I get goes to 
 aid a sick woman — my aunt in the country, gentlemen — and 
 besides I like to see folks enjoy themselves ! " 
 
 The old scamp said all this with a perfectly grave coun- 
 tenance. 
 
 The man with the " wonderful calf with five legs and a 
 huming head," and " the philosophical lung-tester," were there. 
 Then there was the Flying Circus and any number of other 
 ingenious contrivances to relieve young ladies and gentlemen 
 from the rural districts of their spare change. 
 
 A young man was bitterly bewailing the loss of his watch, 
 which had been cut from his pocket by some thief. 
 
 " You ain't smart," said a middle-aged individual in a dingy 
 Kossuth hat with a feather in it, and who had a very you- 
 can't-fool-me look. " I 've been to the State Fair before, I 
 want yer to understan, and knows my bizniss aboard a pro- 
 peller. Here 's my money," he exultingly cried, slapping his 
 pantaloons' pocket. 
 
 About half an hour after this we saw this smart individual 
 rushing frantically around after a policeman. Somebody had 
 adroitly relieved him of his money. In his search for a 
 policeman he encountered the young man who wasn't smart. 
 
 " Haw, haw, haw," violently laughed the latter ; " by G — , 
 I thought you was smart — I thought you 'd been to the State 
 Fair before." 
 
 The smart man looked sad for a moment, but a knowing 
 smile soon crossed his face, and drawing the young man who 
 wasn't smart confidentially towards him, said — 
 
4 86 COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. 
 
 " There wasn't only fifteen cents in coppers in my pocket— 
 my money is in my boot — they can't fool me — I've [been to 
 the State Fair before ! ! " 
 
 He Declined "Biling." — The students of the Conneaut 
 Academy gave a theatrical entertainment a few winters ago. 
 They "executed" Julius Csesar. Everything -went off satis- 
 factorily until Csesar was killed in the market-place. The 
 stage accommodations were limited, and Csesar fell nearly 
 under the stove, in which there was a roaring fire. And when 
 Brutus said — 
 
 " People and Senators ! — be not affrighted ; 
 Fly not ; stand still — ambition's debt is paid ! " 
 
 he was amazed to see Csesar rise upon his feet and nervously 
 examine his scorched garments. 
 
 " Lay down, you fool," shouted Brutus, wildly ; " do you 
 want to break up the whole thing 1 " 
 
 " No," returned Csesar, in an excited manner, " I don't : I 
 want to act out Gineral Csesar in good style, but I ain't goin 
 to bile under that cussed old stove for nobody ! " 
 
 This stopped the play, and the students abandoned theatricals 
 forthwith. 
 
 XI. 
 
 COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. 
 
 There is a plain little meeting-house on Barnwell Street * in 
 which the coloured people — or a goodly portion of them — wor- 
 ship on Sundays. The seats are cushionless, and have per- 
 pendicular backs. The pulpit is plain white — trimmed with 
 red, it is true, but still a very unostentatious affair for coloured 
 
 * Barnwell Street.— One of the streets of the city of Cleveland. 
 
COLOURED PEOPLE'S CHURCH. 487 
 
 people, who are supposed to have a decided weakness for gay 
 hues. Should you escort a lady to this church, and seat your- 
 self beside her, you -will infallibly be touched on the shoulder, 
 and politely requested to move to the "gentlemen's side." 
 Gentlemen and ladies are not allowed to sit together in this 
 church. They are parted remorselessly. It is hard — we may 
 say it is terrible — to be torn asunder in this way, but you 
 have to submit, and of course you had better do so gracefully 
 and pleasantly. 
 
 Meeting opens with an old-fashioned hymn, which is very 
 well sung indeed by the congregation. Then the minister 
 reads a hymn, which is sung by the choir on the front seats 
 near the pulpit. Then the minister prays. He hopes no one 
 has been attracted there by idle curiosity — to see or be seen — 
 and you naturally conclude that he is gently hitting you. 
 Another hymn follows the prayer, and then we have the dis- 
 course, which certainly has the merit of peculiarity and bold- 
 ness. The minister's name is Jones. He don't mince matters 
 at all. He talks about the " flames of hell" with a confident 
 fierceness that must be quite refreshing to sinners. 
 
 " There 's no half-way about this," says he, " no by-paths. 
 
 " There are in Cleveland lots of men who go to church 
 regularly, who behave well in meeting, and who pay their bills. 
 
 " They ain't Christians though. 
 
 " They 're gentlemen sinners. 
 
 " And whar d'ye spose they'll fetch up 1 
 
 " I '11 tell ye— they '11 fetch him up in h— 11, and they '11 come 
 up standing too— there's where, they '11 fetch up ! 
 
 ' Who 's my backer ? 
 
 " Have I got a backer % 
 
 " Whar 's my backer 1 
 
 "This is my backer (striking the Bible before him)— the 
 Bible will back me to any amount ! " 
 
 To still further convince his hearers that he was in earnest, 
 he exclaimed, " That 's me— that 's Jones ! " 
 
488 SPIRITS. 
 
 He alluded to Eve in terms of bitter censure. It was 
 natural that Adam should have been mad at her. "I 
 shouldn't want a woman that wouldn't mind me, myself," said 
 the speaker. 
 
 He directed his attention to dancing, declaring it to be a 
 great sin. "Whar there's dancing there's fiddling — whar 
 there 's fiddling there 's unrighteousness, and unrighteousness 
 is wickedness, and wickedness is sin ! That 's me — that 's 
 Jones." 
 
 Bosom the speaker invariably called "buzzim," and devil 
 " debil," with a fearfully strong accent on the " il." 
 
 XII. 
 
 SPIRITS. 
 
 Me Davenpokt,* who has been for some time closely iden- 
 fied with the modern spiritual movement, is in the city with 
 his daughter, who is quite celebrated as a medium. They are 
 accompanied by Mr Eighme and his daughter, and are holding 
 circles in Hoffman's Block every afternoon and evening. We 
 were present at the circle last evening. Miss Davenport 
 seated herself at a table on which was a tin trumpet, a tam- 
 borine, and a guitar. The audience were seated around the 
 room. The lights were blown out, and the spirit of an 
 eccentric individual, well known to the Davenports, and whom 
 they call George, addressed the audience through the trumpet. 
 He called several of those present by name in a boisterous 
 voice, and dealt several stunning knocks on the table. George 
 has been in the spirit world some two hundred years. He is 
 a rather rough spirit, and probably run with the machine and 
 " killed for Kyser" + when in the flesh. He ordered the seats 
 
 * Mr Davenport. — One of the afterwards notorious Davenport Brothers, 
 t Kyser is an extensive New York butcher, and " to, kill" (or slaughter) 
 
SPIRITS. 4 8 g 
 
 in the room to be wheeled round so the audience would face 
 the table. He said the people on the front seat must be tied 
 with a rope. The order was misunderstood, the rope being 
 merely drawn before those on the front seat. He reprimanded 
 Mr Davenport for not understanding the instructions. What 
 he meant was that the rope should be passed once around each 
 person on the front seat and then tightly drawn, a man at 
 each end of the seat to hold on to it. This was done, and 
 George expressed himself satisfied. There was no one near 
 the table save the medium. All the rest were behind the 
 rope, and those on the front seat were particularly charged 
 not to let any one pass by them. George said he felt first- 
 rate, and commenced kissing the ladies present. The smack 
 could be distinctly heard, and some of the ladies said the sen- 
 sation was very natural. For the first time in our eventful 
 life we sighed to be a spirit. We envied George. We did 
 not understand whether the kissing was done through a 
 trumpet. After kissing considerably, and indulging in some 
 playful remarks with a man whose Christian name was 
 Napoleon Bonaparte, and whom George called " Boney," he 
 tied the hands and feet of the medium. He played the guitar 
 and jingled the tambourine, and then dashed them violently 
 on the floor. The candles were lit, and Miss Davenport was 
 securely tied. She could not move her hands. Her feet were 
 bound, and the rope (which was a long one) was fastened to 
 the chair. No person in the room had been near her or had 
 anything to do with tying her. Every person who was in the 
 room will take his or her oath of that. She could hardly have 
 tied herself. We never saw such intricate and thorough tying 
 in our life. The believers present were convinced that George 
 did it. The unbelievers didn't exactly know what to think 
 about it. The candles were extinguished again, and pretty 
 soon Miss Davenport told George to " don't." She spoke in 
 
 for him has passed into a saying with the roughs, or " bhoys," of New 
 York. To " run with a [fire] machine." 
 
490 MR BLOW HARD. 
 
 an affrighted tone. The candles were lit, and she was dis- 
 covered sitting on the table — hands and feet tied as before, 
 and herself tied to the' chair withal. The lights were again 
 blown out, there were sounds as if some one was lifting her 
 from the table; the candles were relit, and she was seen 
 sitting in the chair on the floor again. No one had been near 
 her from the audience. Again the lights were extinguished, 
 and presently the medium said her feet were wet. It appeared 
 that the mischievous spirit of one Biddie, an Irish Miss who 
 died when twelve years old, had kicked over the water-pail. 
 Miss Eighme took a seat at the table, and the same mischievous 
 Biddie scissored off a liberal lock of her hair. There was the 
 hair, and it had indisputably just been taken from Miss 
 Eighme's head, and her hands and feet, like those of Miss D., 
 were securely tied. Other things of a staggering character to 
 the sceptic were done during the evening. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 MR BLOWHARD. 
 
 The reader has probably met Mr Blowhard. He is usually 
 round. You find him in all public places. He is particu- 
 larly "numerous'' at shows. Knows all the actors intimately. 
 Went to school with some of 'em. Knows how much they get 
 a month to a cent, and how much liquor they can hold to a 
 teaspoonful. He knows Ned Forrest like a book. Has taken 
 sundry drinks with Ned. Ned likes him much. Is well ac- 
 quainted with a certain actress. Could have married her just 
 as easy as not if he had wanted to. Didn't like her " style," 
 and so concluded not to marry her. Knows Dan Rice well. 
 Knows all of his men and horses. Is on terms of affectionate 
 intimacy with Dan's rhinoceros, and is tolerably well acquainted 
 with the performing elephant. We encountered Mr Blowhard 
 
MARKET MORNING. 491 
 
 at the circus yesterday. He was entertaining those near him 
 with a full account of the whole institution, men, boys, horses, 
 " miiils " and all. He said the rhinoceros was perfectly harm- 
 less, as his teeth had all been taken out in infancy. Besides, 
 the rhinoceros was under the influence of opium while he was 
 in the ring, which entirely prevented his injuring anybody. 
 'No danger whatever. In due course of time the amiable beast 
 was led into the ring. When the cord was taken from his 
 nose, he turned suddenly and manifested a slight desire to 
 run violently in among some boys who were seated near the 
 musicians. The keeper, with the assistance of one of the 
 Bedouin Arabs, soon induce_d-him to change his mind, and got 
 him in the middle of -tluf ring. The pleasant quadruped had 
 no sooner arrived here than he hastily-started, with a melodious 
 bellow, towards the seats on one of which sat Mr Blowhard. 
 Each particular hair on Mr Blowhard's head stood up " like 
 squills upon the speckled porkupine" (Shakspeare or Arte- 
 mus Ward, we forget which), and he fell, with a small shriek, 
 down through the seats to the ground. He remained there 
 until the agitated rhinoceros became calm, when he crawled 
 slowly back to his seat. 
 
 " Keep mum," he said, with a very wise shake of the head. 
 " I only wanted to have some fun with them folks above us. I 
 swar, I '11 bet the whisky they thought I was scared !" Great 
 character that Blowhard. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 MARKET MORNING. 
 
 " Hurrah ! this is market day, 
 Up, lads, and gaily away ! "—Old Comedy. 
 
 On market mornings there is a roar and a crash all about the 
 corner of Kinsman and Pittsburgh Streets. The market build : 
 
492 MARKET MORNING. 
 
 ing — so called, we presume, because it don't in the least re- 
 semble a market building — is crowded with beef and butchers, 
 and almost countless meat and vegetable waggons, of all sorts, 
 are confusedly huddled together all around outside. These 
 waggons mostly come from a few miles out of town, and are 
 always on the spot at daybreak. A little after sunrise the 
 crash and jam commences, and continues with little cessation 
 until ten o'clock in the. forenoon. There is a babel of tongues, 
 an excessively cosmopolitan gathering of people, a roar of 
 wheels, and a lively smell of beef and vegetables. The soap 
 man, the headache curative man, the razor man, and a variety 
 of other tolerable humbugs, are in full blast. We meet mar- 
 ried men with baskets in their hands. Those who have been 
 fortunate in their selections look happy, while some who have 
 been unlucky wear a dejected air, for they are probably des- 
 tined to get pieces of their wives' minds on their arrival home. 
 It is true, that all married men have their own way, but the 
 trouble is they don't all have their own way of having it ! 
 We meet a newly-married man. He has recently set up 
 housekeeping. He is out to buy steak for breakfast. There 
 are only himself and wife and female domestic in the family. 
 He shows us his basket, which contains steak enough for at 
 least ten able-bodied men. We tell him so, but he says we 
 don't know anything about war, and passes on. Here comes 
 a lady of high degree, who has no end of servants to send to 
 the market, but she likes to come herself, and it won't prevent 
 her shining and sparkling in her elegant drawing-room this 
 afternoon. And she is accumulating muscle and freshness of 
 face by these walks to market. 
 
 And here is a charming picture. Standing beside a vege- 
 table cart is a maiden beautiful and sweeter far than any 
 daisy in the fields. Eyes of purest blue, lips of cherry red, 
 teeth like pearls, silken, golden hair, and form of exquisite 
 mould. We wonder if she is a fairy, but instantly conclude 
 that she is not, for in measuring out a peck of onions she spills 
 
WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 493 
 
 some of them, a small boy laughs at the mishap, and she indig- 
 nantly shies the measure at 1 his head. Fairies, you know, 
 dont throw peck measures at small boys' heads. The spell 
 was broken. The golden chain which for a moment bound us 
 fell to pieces. "We meet an eccentric individual in corduroy 
 pantaloons and pepper-and-salt coat, who wants to know if we 
 didn't sail out of Nantucket in 1852 in the whaling brig 
 Jasper Green. "We are compelled to confess that the only 
 nautical experience we ever had was to once temporarily com- 
 mand a canal boat on the dark-rolling "Wabash, while the 
 captain went ashore to cave in the head of a miscreant who 
 had winked lasciviously at the sylph who superintended the 
 culinary department on board that gallant craft. The eccen- 
 tric individual smiles in a ghastly manner, says perhaps we 
 won't lend him a dollar till to-morrow ; to which we courte- 
 ously reply that we certainly won't, and he glides away. 
 
 We return to our hotel, reinvigorated with the early, health- 
 ful jaunt, and bestow an imaginary purse of gold upon our 
 African Brother, who brings us a hot and excellent breakfast. 
 
 XV. 
 
 WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 
 
 Two female fortune-tellers recently came hither, and spread 
 "small bills" throughout the city. Being slightly anxious, 
 in common with a wide circle of relatives and friends, to know 
 where we were going to, and what was to become of us, we 
 visited both of these eminently respectable witches yesterday 
 and had our fortune told " twict." Physicians sometimes dis- 
 agree, lawyers invariably do, editors occasionally fall out, and 
 we are pained to say that even witches unfold different tales 
 to one individual. In describing our interviews with these 
 singularly gifted female women, who are actually and posi- 
 
494 WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 
 
 tively here in this city, we must speak considerably of " we" — 
 not because we flatter ourselves that we are more interesting 
 than people in general, but because in the present case it is 
 really necessary. In the language of Hamlet's Pa, " List, 
 list!" 
 
 We went to see " Madame B." first. She has rooms at the 
 Burnett House. The following is a copy of her bill : — 
 
 MADAME B., 
 
 The Celebrated Spanish Asteologist, Clairvoyant 
 and Female Doctress, 
 
 Would respectfully announce to the citizens that she has just 
 arrived in this city, and designs remaining for a few days only. 
 
 The Madame can be consulted on all matters pertaining to life 
 — either past, present, or future — tracing the line of life from 
 Infancy to Old Age, particularising each event, in regard to 
 
 Business, Love, Marriage, Courtship, Losses, Law Matters, and 
 Sickness of Relatives and Friends at a distance. ■ 
 
 The Madame will also show her visitors a life-like representation 
 of their Future Husbands and Wives. 
 
 Lucky Numbers in Lotteries 
 
 Can also be selected by her, and hundreds who have consulted 
 
 her have drawn capital prizes. The Madame will furnish 
 
 medicine for all diseases, for grown persons (male or female) 
 
 and children. 
 
 Persons wishing to consult her concerning this mysterious art 
 
 and human destiny, particularly with reference to their own 
 
 individual bearing in relation to a supposed Providence, can be 
 
 accommodated by calling at 
 
WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 495 
 
 Room No. 23, Burnett House, 
 Corner of Prospect and Ontario Streets, Cleveland. 
 
 The Madame has travelled extensively for the last few years 
 both in the United States and the West Indies, and the success 
 which has attended her in all places has won for her the 
 reputation of being the most wonderful Astrologist of the 
 present age. 
 
 The Madame has a superior faculty for this business, having 
 been born with a Caul on her Face, by virtue of which she can 
 more accurately read the past, present, and future ; also en- 
 abling her to cure many diseases without using drugs or 
 medicines. The Madame advertises nothing but what she can 
 do. Call on her if you would consult the greatest Foreteller 
 of events now living. 
 
 Hours of Consultation, from 8 A.M. to 9 o'clock p.m. 
 
 We urbanely informed the lady with the " Caul on her 
 Face " that we had called to have our fortune told, and she 
 said, " Hand out your money." This preliminary being 
 settled, Madame B. (who is a tall, sharp-eyed, dark-featured 
 and angular woman, dressed in painfully positive colours, and 
 heavily loaded with gold chain and mammoth jewellery of 
 various kinds) and Jupiter indicated powerful that we were a 
 slim constitution, which came down on to us from our father's 
 side. Wherein our constitution was not slim, so it came down 
 on to us from our mother's side. 
 
 "Is this so?" 
 
 And we said it was. 
 
 " Yes," continued the witch, " I know'd 'twas. You can't 
 deceive Jupiter, me, nor any other planick. You may swim 
 same as Leander did, but you can't deceive the planicks. Give 
 me your hand ! Times ain't so easy as they has been. So — 
 
496 WE SEE TWO WITCHES 
 
 so — but 'tis temp'ry. 'Twon't last long. Times will be easy- 
 soon. You may be tramped on to onct or twict, but you '11 
 rekiver. You have talenk, me child. You kin make a Con- 
 gress'er if sich you likes to be. [We said we would be excused, 
 if it was all the same to her.] You kin be a lawyer. [We 
 thanked her, but said we would rather retain our present good 
 moral character.] You kin be a soldier. You have courage 
 enough to go to the Hostrian wars and kill the French. [We 
 informed her that we had already murdered some " English."] 
 You won't have much money till you 're thirty-three years of 
 old. Then you will have large sums — forty thousand dollars, 
 perhaps. Look out for it ! [We promised we would.] You 
 have travelled some, and you will travel more, which will 
 make your travels more extensiver than they has been. You 
 will go to Californy by way of Pike's Pick. [Same route taken 
 by Horace Greeley.] If nothin happens onto you, you won't 
 meet with no accidents and will get through pleasant, which 
 you otherwise will not do under all circumstances however, 
 which doth happen to all, both great and small, likewise to the 
 rich as also the poor. Hearken to me ! There has been 
 deaths in your family, and there will be more ! But Eeserve 
 your constitution and you will live to be seventy years of old. 
 Me child, her hair will be black — black as the Saving's wing. 
 Likewise black will also be her eyes, and she '11 be as different 
 from which you air as night and day. Look out for the dark- 
 ish man ! He 's yer rival ! Beware of the darkish man ! [We 
 promised that we'd introduce a funeral into the "darkish 
 man's " family the moment we encountered him.] Me child, 
 there 's more sunshine than clouds for ye, and send all your 
 friends up here. 
 
 " A word before you goes. Expose not yourself. Your eyes 
 is sailer, which is on accounts of bile on your systim. Some 
 don't have bile on to their systims which their eyes is not 
 sailer. This bile ascends down on to you from many genera- 
 tions which is in their graves, and peace to their ashes." 
 
WE SEE TWO WITCHES. 497 
 
 MADAME CEOMPTON. 
 
 We then proceeded directly to Madame Crompton, the other 
 fortune-teller. 
 Below is her bill : — 
 
 MADAME E. CEOMPTON", 
 
 The World-renowned Fortune-Teller and 
 
 astrologist. 
 
 Madame Crompton begs leave to inform the citizens of Cleve- 
 land and vicinity that she- has taken rooms at the 
 
 FAEMEES' ST CLAIE HOUSE, 
 
 Corner of St Clair and Water Streets, 
 
 Where she may be consulted on all matters pertaining to 
 Past and Future Events. 
 
 Also giving Information of Absent Friends, whether 
 Living or Dead. 
 
 P.S. — Persons having lost or having property stolen of any 
 kind, will do well to give her a call, as she will describe the 
 person or persons with such accuracy as will astonish the most 
 devout critic. 
 
 Terms Reasonable 
 
 She has rooms at the Farmers' Hotel, as stated in the bill 
 above. She was driving an extensive business, and we were 
 forced to wait half an hour or so for a chance to see her. 
 Madame Crompton is of the English persuasion, and has evi- 
 dently searched many long years in vain for her H. She is 
 small in stature, but considerably inclined to corpulency, and 
 her red round face is continually wreathed in smiles, reminding 
 one of a new tin pan basking in the noonday sun. She took 
 a greasy pack of common playing cards, and requested us to 
 
 2 I 
 
49 8 FROM A HOMELY MAN. 
 
 " cut them in three," which we did. She spread them out 
 before her on the table, and said : — 
 
 " Sir to you which I speaks. You 'av been terrible crossed 
 in love, and your 'art 'as been much panged. r But you '11 get 
 all over it and marry a light complected gale with rayther 
 reddish 'air. Before some time you'll have a leggercy fall 
 down on to you, mostly in solick Jold. There may be a law- 
 suit about it, and you may be sup-prisoned as a witnesses, but 
 you '11 git it — mostly in solick Jold, which you will keep in 
 chists, and you must look out for them. [We said we would 
 keep a skinned optic on " them chists."] You 'as a enemy, 
 and he's a lightish man. He wants to defraud you out of 
 your 'onesty. He is tellink lies about you now in the 'opes of 
 crushin yourself. [A weak invention of "the opposition."] 
 You never did nothin bad. Your 'art is right. You 'ave a 
 great taste for hosses and like to stay with 'em. Mister to you 
 I sez ! Gard aginst the lightish man and all will be well." 
 
 The supernatural being then took an oval-shaped chunk of 
 glass (which she called a stone) and requested us to " hang on 
 to it." She looked into it and said : 
 
 " If you 're not keerful when you git your money, you '11 lose 
 it, but which otherwise you will not, and fifty cents is as cheap 
 as I kin afford to tell anybody's fortune, and no great shakes 
 made then." 
 
 XVL 
 
 FROM A HOMELY MAN. 
 
 Dear Plain Dealer, — I am a plain man, and there is a 
 melancholy fitness in my unbosoming my sufferings to the 
 " Plain " Dealer. Plain as you maybe in your dealings, how- 
 ever, I am convinced you never before had to deal with a cor- 
 respondent so hopelessly plain as I. Yet plain don't half 
 
FROM: A'HOMELY MAN. 499 
 
 express my looks. Indeed- 1 doubt very much whether any 
 word in the English language could be found to convey an 
 adequate idea of my absolute and utter homeliness. The 
 dates in the old family Bible show that I am in the decline of 
 life, but I cannot recall a period in my existence when I felt 
 really young. My very infancy, those brief months when 
 babes prattle joyously and know nothing of care, was darkened 
 by a shadowy presentiment of what I was to endure through 
 life, and my youth was rendered dismal by continued repeti- 
 tions of a fact painfully evident " on the face of it," that the 
 boy was growing homelier and homelier every day. Memory, 
 that with other people recalls so much that is sweet and plea- 
 sant to think of in connection with their youth, with me brings 
 up nothing but mortification, bitter tears, I had almost said 
 curses, on my solitary and homely lot. I have wished — a 
 thousand times wished — that Memory had never consented to 
 take a seat "in this distracted globe." 
 
 You have beard of a man so homely that he couldn't sleep 
 nights, his face ached so. Mr Editor, I am that melancholy 
 individual. Whoever perpetrated the joke — for joke it was 
 no doubt intended to be — knew not how much truth he was 
 uttering, or how bitterly the idle squib would rankle in the 
 heart of one suffering man. Many and many a night have I 
 in my childhood laid awake thinking of my homeliness, and as 
 the moonlight has streamed in at the window and fell upon 
 the handsome and placid features of my little brother slumber- 
 ing at my side, Heaven forgive me for the wicked thought, but 
 I have felt an almost unconquerable impulse to for ever dis- 
 figure and mar that sweet upturned innocent face that smiled 
 and looked so beautiful in sleep, for it was ever reminding me 
 of the curse I was doomed to carry about me. Many and 
 many a night have I got up in my night-dress, and lighting 
 my little lamp, sat for hours gazing at my terrible ugliness of 
 face reflected in the mirror, drawn to it by a cruel fascination 
 which it was impossible for me to resist. 
 
500 THE ELEPHANT. 
 
 I need not tell you that I am a single man, and yet I have 
 had what men call affairs of the heart. I have known what it 
 is to worship the heart's embodiment of female loveliness, and 
 purity, and truth, hut it was generally at a distance, entirely 
 safe to the object of my adoration. Being of a susceptible 
 nature, I was continually falling in love, but never, save with 
 one single exception, did I venture to declare my flame. I 
 saw my heart's palpitator walking in a grove. Moved by my 
 consuming love, I rushed towards her, and throwing myself at 
 her feet began to pour forth the long-pent-up emotions of my 
 heart. She gave one look and then 
 
 " Shrieked till all the rooks replied ; " 
 
 at least you 'd thought they replied if you had seen me leave 
 that grove with a speed greatly accelerated by a shower of 
 rocks from the hands of an enraged brother, who was at hand. 
 That prepossessing young lady is now slowly recovering her 
 reason in an institution for the insane. 
 
 Of my further troubles I may perhaps inform you at some 
 future time. 
 
 Homely Man. 
 
 XVII. 
 
 THE ELEPHANT. 
 
 Some two years since, on the strength of what we regarded as 
 reliable information, we announced the death of the elephant 
 Hannibal, at Canton, and accompanied the announcement with 
 a short sketch of that remarkable animal. We happened to 
 be familiar with several interesting incidents in the private 
 life of Hannibal, and our sketch was copied by almost every 
 paper in America and by several European journals. A few 
 months ago a " travelled " friend showed us the sketch in a 
 
THE ELEPHANT. S or 
 
 Parisian journal, and possibly it is "going the rounds " of the 
 Chinese papers by this time. A few days after we had printed 
 his obituary Hannibal came to town with Van Amburgh's 
 Menagerie, and the same type which killed the monster re- 
 stored him to life again. 
 
 About once a year Hannibal 
 
 " Gets on a spree, 
 And goes bobbin around." 
 
 to make a short quotation from a once popular ballad. These 
 sprees, in fact, "is what's the matter with him." 
 
 The other day, in Williamsburg, Long Island, he broke 
 loose in the canvas, emptied most of the cages, and tore 
 through the town like a mammoth pestilence. An extensive 
 crowd of athletic men, by jabbing him with spears and pitch- 
 forks, and coiling big ropes around his legs, succeeded in cap- 
 turing him. The animals he had set free were caught - and 
 restored to their cages without much difficulty. 
 i We doubt if we shall ever forget our first view of Han- 
 nibal — Tvhich was also our first view of any elephant — of the 
 elephant, in short. It was at the close of a sultry day in June, 
 18 — . The sun had spent its fury and was going to rest among 
 the clouds of gold and crimson. A solitary horseman might 
 have been seen slowly ascending a long hill in a New England 
 town. That solitary horseman was us, and we were mounted 
 on the old white mare. Two bags were strapped to the foam- 
 ing steed. That was before we became wealthy, and of course 
 we are not ashamed to say that we had been to mill, and con- 
 sequently them bags contained flour and middlins v Presently 
 a large object appeared at the top of the hill. We had heard 
 of the devil, and had been pretty often told that he would 
 have a clear deed and title to us before long, but had never 
 heard him painted like the object which met our gaze at the 
 top of that hill on the close of that sultry day in June. 
 Concluding (for we were a mere youth) that it was an eccen- 
 
502 . J2VST& . 
 
 trie whale, who had come ashore . near North Yarmouth,' and 
 was making a tour through the interior on wheels, we hastily 
 turned our steed and made for< the mill at a rapid rate. Once 
 we threw over ballast^, after, the manner of balloonists, and as 
 the object gained on us we cried aloud for our parents. For- 
 tunately we reached the mill inLsafety^nd the object passed 
 at a furious rate, with a portion of a woodshed on its back. It 
 was Hannibal, who had run away from a neighbouring town, 
 taking a shed with him. 
 
 Drank StAndin — CoL is.a big " railroad man." He 
 
 attended a railroad supper once. Champagne: flowed freely, 
 and the Colonel got more than his share. Speeches were made 
 after the removal of the cloth. Somebody arose and eulogised 
 the Colonel in the steepest possible manner — called him great, 
 good, patriotic, enterprising, &c, &c. The speaker was here 
 interrupted by the illustrious Colonel himself^ who, arising 
 with considerable difficulty, and beaming benevolently around 
 the table, gravely said, " Let 's (hie) drink that sedimunt 
 standin!" It was done. 
 
 XVIII. 
 
 BUSTS. 
 
 There are in this city several Italian gentlemen engaged in 
 the bust business. They have their peculiarities and eccen- 
 tricities. They are swarthy-faced, wear slouched caps and 
 drab pea-jackets, and smoke bad cigars. They make busts of 
 "Webster, Clay, Bonaparte, Douglas, and other great men, 
 living and dead. The Italian buster comes upon you solemnly 
 and cautiously. " Buy Napo-leon 1 " he will say, and you 
 may probably answer "not a buy." "How much giv-ee?" 
 he asks, and perhaps you will ask him how much he wants. 
 
THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS. 503 
 
 " Nine dollar," he will answer always. We are sure of it. 
 We have observed this peculiarity in the busters frequently. 
 No matter how large or small the bust may be, the first price 
 is invariably " nine dollar." If you decline paying this price, 
 as you undoubtedly will if you are right in your head, he 
 again asks, " How much giv-ee 1 " By way of a joke you say 
 " a dollar," when the buster retreats indignantly to the door, 
 saying in a low, wild voice, " O dam ! " With his hand upon 
 the door-latch, he turns and once more asks, "How much 
 giv-ee?" You repeat the previous offer, when he mutters, 
 "0 ha ! " then coming pleasantly towards you, he speaks 
 thus: "Say! how much giv-ee ?," Again you say a dollar, 
 and he cries, " Take 'ran — take 'um I" — thus falling eight dollars 
 on his original price. 
 
 Very eccentric is the Italian buster, and sometimes he calls 
 his busts by wrong names. We bought Webster (he called 
 him Web-STAR) of him the other day, and were astonished 
 when he called upon us the next day with -another bust of 
 Webster, exactly like the one we had purchased of him, and 
 asked us if we didn't want to buy " Cole, the wife-pizener ! " 
 We endeavoured to rebuke the depraved buster, but our 
 utterance was choked, and we could only gaze upon him in 
 speechless astonishment and indignation. 
 
 XIX. 
 
 HOW THE NAPOLEON OF SELLERS WAS SOLD. 
 
 We have read a great many stories of which Winchell, the 
 great wit and mimic, was the hero, showing always how neatly 
 and entirely he sold somebody. Any one who is familiar 
 with Winchell's wonderful powers of mimicry cannot doubt 
 that these stories are all substantially true. But there is one 
 instance which we will relate, or perish in the attempt, where 
 
so4 The napoleon of sellers. 
 
 the jolly Wincliell was himself sold. The other evening, while 
 he was conversing with several gentlemen at one of the hotels, 
 a dilapidated, individual reeled into the room and halted in 
 front of the stove, where he made wild and unsuccessful efforts 
 to maintain a firm position. He evidently had spent the 
 evening in marching torchlight processions of forty-rod whisky 
 down his throat, and at this particular time was decidedly and 
 disreputably drunk. With a sly wink to the crowd, as much 
 as to say, " We 'll have some fun with this individual," Win- 
 chell assumed a solemn face, and in a ghostly voice said to one 
 of the company : 
 
 " The poor fellow we were speaking of is dead ! " 
 
 " No 1 " said the individual addressed. 
 
 "Yes," said Winchell; "you know both of his eyes were 
 gouged out, his nose was chawed off, and both of his arms 
 were torn out at the roots. Of course, he couldn't recover." 
 
 This was all said for the benefit of the drunken man, who 
 was standing, or trying to stand, within a few feet of Win- 
 chell ; but he took no sort of notice of it, and was apparently 
 ignorant of the celebrated delineator's presence. Again Win- 
 chell endeavoured to attract his attention, but utterly failed 
 as before. In a few moments the drunken man staggered out 
 of the room. 
 
 " I can generally have a little fun with a drunken man," 
 said Winchell, " but it is no go in this case." 
 
 " I suppose you know what ails the man who just went 
 out 1 " said the " gentlemanly host." 
 
 "I perceive he is alarmingly inebriated," said Winchell; 
 " does anything else ail him 1 " 
 
 " Yes," said the host, " he 's deaf and dumb ! " 
 
 This was true. There was a " larf," and Winchell, with 
 the remark that he was sorry to see a disposition in that 
 assemblage " to deceive an orphan," called for a light and 
 went gravely to bed. 
 
ON AUTUMN. 505 
 
 XX. 
 
 ON AUTUMN. 
 
 Poets are wont to apostrophise the leafy month of June, and 
 there is no denying that if Spring is " some," June is Summer. 
 But there is a gorgeous magnificence about the habiliments of 
 Nature, and a teeming fruitfulness upon her lap during the 
 autumnal months, and we must confess we have always felt 
 genially inclined towards this season. It is true, when we 
 concentrate our field of vision to the minute garniture of 
 earth, we no longer observe the beautiful petals, nor inhale 
 the fragrance of a gay parterre of the "floral epistles" and 
 "angel-like collections" which Longfellow (we believe) so 
 graphically describes, and which Shortfellows so fantastically 
 carry about in their button-holes ; but we have all their tints 
 reproduced upon a higher and broader canvas in the kaleido- 
 scopic colours with which the sky and the forest daily enchant 
 us, and the beautiful and luscious fruits which Autumn spreads 
 out before us, and 
 
 " Crowns the rich promise of the opening Spring.'' 
 In another point of view Autumn is suggestive of pleasant 
 reflections. The wearying, wasting heat of Summer, and the 
 deadly blasts with which her breath has for some years been 
 freighted, are past, and the bracing north winds begin to 
 bring balm and healing on their wings. The hurly-burly of 
 travel, and most sorts of publicity (except newspapers), are 
 fast playing out, and we can once more hope to see our friends 
 and relations in the happy sociality of home and fireside 
 enjoyments. Yielding, as we do, the full force to which 
 Autumn is seriously entitled, or rather to the serious reflec- 
 tions and admonitions which the decay of Nature and the 
 dying year always inspire, and admitting the poet's decade — 
 
 " Leayes have their time to fall, 
 And stars to set, — but all, 
 Thou hast all seasons for thine own, Death ! " 
 
506 PA YING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PR A YING. 
 
 there is a brighter Autumn beyond, and brighter opening 
 years to those who choose them rather than dead leaves and 
 bitter fruits. Thus we can conclude tranquilly with Bryant, 
 as we began gaily with another — 
 
 " So live, that when thy summons cornea to join 
 The innumerable caravan, which moves 
 To that mysterious realm, where each shall take 
 His chamber in the silent halls of death, 
 Thou go not, like the quarry-slave at night, 
 Scourged to his dungeon ; but, sustained and soothed 
 By an unfaltering trust, approach thy grave 
 Like one who wraps the drapery of his couch 
 About him, and lies down to pleasant dreams." 
 
 XXI. 
 
 PAYING FOR HIS PROVENDER BY PRAYING. 
 
 We have no intention of making fun of serious matters in 
 telling the following story ; we merely relate a fact. 
 
 There is a rule at Oberlin College that no student shall 
 board at any house where prayers are not regularly made, each 
 day. A certain man fitted up a , boarding-house and filled it 
 with boarders, but forgot, until the eleventh hour, the prayer 
 proviso. Not being a praying man himself, he looked around 
 for one' who was. At length he found one — a meek young 
 man from Trumbull County — who agreed to pay for his board 
 in praying. For a while all went smoothly, but the boarding- 
 master furnished his table so poorly that the boarders began 
 to grumble and to leave, and the other morning the praying 
 boarder actually " struck ! " Something like the following 
 dialogue occurred at the table' : — 
 
 Landlord.— Will you pray, Mr Mild? 
 
 Mild. — No, sir, I will not. 
 
 Landlord.— Why not, Mr Mild 1 
 
HUNTING TROUBLE. 507 
 
 MiLD.^-It don't pay, sir. I can't pray on such victuals as 
 these. And unless you bind yourself in writing to set a better 
 table than you have for the last three weeks, nary another 
 prayer you get out of me I 
 
 And that 's the way the matter stood at latest advices. 
 
 XXII. 
 
 HUNTING TROUBLE. 
 
 Hunting trouble is too fashionable in this world. Content- 
 ment and jollity are not cultivated as they should be. There 
 are too many prematurely-wrinkled long and melancholy faces 
 among us. There is too much swearing, sweating and slashing, 
 fuming, foaming and fretting around and about us all. 
 
 " A mad world, my masters.'' 
 
 People rush out-doors bareheaded and barefooted, as it were, 
 and dash blindly into all sorts of dark alleys in quest of all 
 sorts of Trouble, when, " Goodness knows," if they will only 
 sit calmly and pleasantly by their firesides, Trouble will knock 
 soon enough at their doors. 
 
 Hunting Trouble is bad business. If we ever are induced 
 to descend from our present proud position to become a mem- 
 ber of the Legislature, or ever accumulate sufficient muscle, 
 impudence, and taste for bad liquor to go to Congress, we 
 shall introduce " a william " for the suppression of Trouble- 
 hunting. We know Miss Slinkins, who incessantly frets 
 because Miss Slurkins is better harnessed than she is, won't 
 like it ; and we presume the Simpkinses, who worry so much 
 because the Perkinses live in a freestone-fronted house whilst 
 theirs is only plain brick, won't like it also. It is doubtful, 
 too, whether our long-haired friends, the Eeformers (who 
 think the machinery of the world is all out of joint, while we 
 
508 DARK DOINGS. 
 
 think it only needs a little greasing to run in first-rate style), 
 will approve the measure. It is probable, indeed, that very 
 many societies, of a reformatory (and inflammatory) character, 
 would frown upon the measure. But the measure would be a 
 good one nevertheless. 
 
 Never hunt Trouble. However dead a shot one may be, the 
 gun he carries on such expeditions is sure to kick or go oft" 
 half-cocked. Trouble will come soon enough, and when he 
 does come, receive him as pleasantly as possible. Like the tax- 
 collector, he is a disagreeable chap to have in one's house, but 
 the more amiably you greet him the sooner he will go away. 
 
 XXIII. 
 
 DARK DOINGS. 
 
 Four promising young men of this city attended a ball in the 
 rural districts not long since. At a late hour they retired, 
 leaving word with the clerk of the hotel to call them early in 
 the morning, as they wanted to take the first train home. 
 The clerk was an old friend of the " fellers," and he thought 
 he would have a slight joke at their expense. So he burnt 
 some cork, and, with a sponge, blacked the faces of his city 
 friends after they had got soundly asleep. In the morning he 
 called them about ten minutes before the train came along. 
 Feller No. 1 awoke and laughed boisterously at the sight 
 which met his gaze. But he saw through it — the clerk had 
 played his good joke on his three comrades, and of course he 
 would keep mum. But it was a devilish good joke. Feller 
 No. 2 awoke, saw the three black men in the room, compre- 
 hended the joke, and laughed' vociferously. But he would 
 keep mum. Fellers No. 3 and 4 awoke, and experienced the 
 same pleasant feeling ; and there was the beautiful spectacle 
 of four nice young men laughing heartily one at another, each 
 
A HARD CASE. 509 
 
 one supposing the "urbane clerk'' had spared him in his 
 cork-daubing operations. They had only time to dress before 
 the train arrived; They all got aboard, each thinking what a 
 glorious joke it was to have his three companions go back to 
 town with black faces. The idea was so rich that they all 
 commenced laughing violently as soon as they got aboard the 
 cars. The other passengers took to laughing also, and fun 
 raged fast and furious, until the benevolent baggage-man, 
 seeing how matters stood, brought a small pocket-glass and 
 handed it around to the young men. They suddenly stopped 
 laughing, rushed wildly for the baggage- car, washed their 
 faces, and amused and instructed each other during the re- 
 mainder of the trip with some eloquent flashes of silence. 
 
 XXIV. 
 
 A HARD CASE. 
 
 We have heard of some very 1 hard cases since we have en- 
 livened this world with our brilliant presence. We once saw 
 an. able-bodied man chase a party of little school-children, and 
 rob them of their dinners. The man who stole the coppers 
 from his deceased grandmother's eyes lived in our neighbour- 
 hood, and we have read about the man who went to church 
 for the sole purpose of stealing the testaments and hymn- 
 books. But the hardest case we ever heard of lived in Ar- 
 kansas. He was only fourteen years old. One night he 
 deliberately murdered his father and mother in cold blood, 
 with a meat-axe. He was tried and found guilty. The Judge 
 drew on his black cap, and in a voice choked with emotion 
 asked the young prisoner if he had anything to say before the 
 sentence of the court was passed on him. The court-room 
 was densely crowded, and there was not a dry eye in the 
 vast assembly. The youth of the prisoner, his beauty and 
 
5ro REPORTERS. 
 
 innocent' looks, the mild lamblike manner in which he had' 
 conducted himself during the trial — all, all had thoroughly 
 enlisted the sympathy of the spectators, the ladies in parti- 
 cular. And even the Jury, who had found it to be their stern 
 duty to declare him guilty of the appalling crime — even the 
 Jury now wept aloud at this awful moment. 
 
 " Have you anything to say 1 " repeated the deeply -moved 
 Judge. 
 
 " Why, no," replied the prisoner, " I think I haven't, though 
 I hope yer Honour will show some consideration for the 
 
 FEELINGS OF A- POOR ORPHAN ! " 
 
 The Judge sentenced the perfect young wretch without 
 delay. 
 
 XXV. 
 
 REPORTERS. 
 
 The- following paragraph is going the rounds : — "How many 
 a great man is now basking in the sunshine of fame generously 
 bestowed upon him by the prolific genius of some reporter ! 
 How many stupid orations have been made brilliant, how many 
 wandering, pointless, objectless speeches put in form and ren- 
 dered at least readable, by the unknown reporter ! How many 
 a disheartened speaker, who was conscious the night before of 
 a failure, before a thin, cold, spiritless audience, awakes 
 delighted to learn that he has addressed an overwhelming 
 assemblage of his enthusiastic, appreciating fellow-citizens, to 
 find his speech sparkling with 'cheers,' breaking out into 
 ' immense applause,' and concluding amidst ' the wildest 
 excitement !'" 
 
 There is considerable truth in the above, we are sorry to 
 state. Eeporters are too apt to smooth over and give a fair 
 face to the stupidity and bombast of political and other public 
 
HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER. 511 
 
 humbugs. For this they are not only seldom thanked, hut 
 frequently are kicked. Of course this sort of thing is wrong. 
 , A Eeporter should be independent enough to meet the ap- 
 proaches of gentlemen of the Nincompoop persuasion with a 
 flat rebuff. He should never gloss over a political humbug, 
 whether he belongs to " our side" or not. He is not thanked 
 for doing it, and, furthermore, he loses the respect and confi- 
 dence of his readers. There are many amiable gentlemen 
 ornamenting the various walks of life who are under the 
 impression that for a dozen bad cigars or a few drinks of worse 
 whisky they can purchase the " opinion'' of almost any Ee- 
 porter. It has been our pleasure on several occasions to dis- 
 abuse {hose gentlemen of this impression. 
 
 Should another occasion of this kind ever offer, we feel that 
 we should be' "adequate" to treat it in a smilar manner. A 
 Eeporter, we modestly submit, is as good as anybody, and 
 ought to feel that he is, everywhere and at all times. For 
 one, let us quietly and without any show of vanity remark^ 
 that we are not only just as good as anybody else, but a great 
 deal better than many we know of. We love God and hate 
 Indians: pay our debts;' support the Constitution of the 
 United States ; go in for Progress, Sunshine, Calico, and other 
 luxuries ; are perfectly satisfied and happy, and wouldn't swop 
 "sits" with the President, Louis Napoleon, the Emperor of 
 China, Sultan of Turkey, Brigham Young, or Nicholas Long- 
 worth. Success to us ! 
 
 XXVI. 
 
 HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER IN HIS POCKET. 
 
 L lived in this city several years ago. He dealt in horses, 
 
 carriages, &c. Hearing of a good chance to sell buggies up 
 West, he embarked with a lot for that "great " country. At 
 
512 HE HAD THE LITTLE VOUCHER. 
 
 Toledo he took a Michigan Southern train. Somebody had 
 by way of a joke, warned him against the conductor of thai 
 particular train, telling him that said conductor had an eccen 
 trie way of taking up tickets at the beginning of the journey 
 and of denying that he had done so and demanding fare at tht 
 end thereof. This the confiding L swallowed. He deter- 
 mined not to be swindled in this way, and so when the con 
 ductor came around and asked him for his ticket he declined 
 giving it up. The conductor insisted. L still refused. 
 
 "I've got the little voucher in my pocket," he said, wit! 
 a knowing look, slily slapping the pocket which contained 
 the ticket. 
 
 The conductor glanced at L 's stalwart frame. He had 
 
 heard L spoken of as a fighting man. He preferred nol 
 
 to grapple with him. The train was a light one, and it sc 
 
 happened that L was the only man in this, the hind car, 
 
 So the conductor had the train stopped, and quietly unhitched 
 this car. 
 
 "Good day, Mr L ," he yelled; "just keep that little 
 
 voucher in your pocket, and be d d to you ! " 
 
 L jumped up and saw the other cars moving rapidly 
 
 away. He was left solitary and alone in a dismal piece oi 
 woods known as the Black Swamp. He remained there in 
 the car until night, when the down-train came along and tools 
 him to Toledo. He had to pay fare, his up through-ticket not 
 being good on that train. His buggies had gone unattended 
 to Chicago. He was very angry. He finally got through, bill 
 he will never hear the last of that " little voucher." 
 
THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR. 513 
 
 XXVII. 
 
 THE GENTLEMANLY CONDUCTOR. 
 
 Few have any idea of the trials and tribulations of the railway 
 conductor — "the gentlemanly conductor," as one-horse news- 
 papers delight in styling him. Unless you are gifted with the 
 patience of the lamented Job, who, tradition informs us, had 
 " biles " all over his body, and didn't swear once, never go for 
 a Conductor, me boy ! 
 
 The other evening we enlivened a railroad car with our 
 brilliaDt presence. Starting time was not quite up, and the 
 passengers were amusing themselves by laughing, swearing, 
 singing, and talking, according to their particular fancy. The 
 Conductor came in, and the following were a few of the ques- 
 tions put to him : — One old fellow, who was wrapped up in a 
 horse-blanket, and who apparently had about two pounds of 
 pigtail in his mouth, wanted to know " What pint of compass 
 the keers was travellin in?" An old lady, surrounded by 
 hand-boxes and enveloped in flannels, wanted to know what 
 time the eight o'clock train left Eock Island for " Dubu-kue 1 " 
 A carroty-haired young man wanted to know if " free omyi- 
 huses " ran from the cars to the taverns in Toledo 1 A tall, 
 razor-faced individual, evidently from the interior of Connecti- 
 cut, desired to know if " conductin " paid as well eout West as 
 it did deoun in his country ; and a portly, close-shaven man, 
 with round keen eyes, and in whose face you could read the 
 interest-table, asked the price of corner lots in Omaha. These 
 and many other equally absurd questions the conductor ■ an- 
 swered calmly and in a resigned manner. And we shuddered 
 as we thought how he would have to answer a similar string 
 of questions in each of the three cars ahead. 
 
 2k 
 
514 ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 XXVIII. 
 
 A. WARD AMONG THE MORMONS. — REPORTED BY HIMSELF — O 
 SOMEBODY ELSE. 
 
 [The following rough report of Artemus Ward's Lecture in Califorc 
 appeared in the Sam Francisco Era, during the lecturer's visit to that eft 
 It has been thought worthy of preservation in the form of a supplementa 
 paper to the present little volume. ] 
 
 Feller-Citizens and Feller-Citizenesses, — I feel truly g\i 
 to see you here to-night, more especially those who have pai 
 although I am too polite to say how many are here who hai 
 not paid, but who take a base advantage of the good-nature 
 my friend and manager, Hingston, bothering him to give the 
 free tickets, gratis, and also for nothing ; and my former frier 
 and manager, Rosenberg, assures me that the best way to pr 
 vent a person from enjoying any entertainment is to adm 
 them without the equivalent spondulics. What a man ge 
 for nothing he don't care for. 
 
 Talking of free tickets, my first lecture was a wonderf 
 success — house so full that everybody who could pay turn< 
 from the doors. It happened thus : — 
 
 Walking about Salt Lake City on the morning before tl 
 lecture, I met Elder Kimball. Well, I most imprudently ga 
 him a family ticket. That ticket filled the house, and k- 
 about a dozen of the young Kimballs howling in the col 
 After that I limited my family tickets to " Admit Elder Jone 
 ten wives, and thirty children." 
 
 You may perhaps be astonished that I, a rather fascinatii 
 bachelor, escaped from Salt Lake City without the loss of n 
 innocence. Well I will confess, confidentially, that was on 
 by the skin of my teeth, and thanks to the virtuous lectu 
 ing of my friend Hingston, whose British prejudices again 
 
AMONG THE MORMONS. 515 
 
 Bigamy, Trigamy, and Brighamy, saying nothing of Ninnyga- 
 vigamy, could not be overcome. 
 • My narrowest escape was this : — 
 
 About six hours before I arrived an elder died. I think his 
 name was Smith. You may have heard that name before; but 
 it isn't the Smith you know — it is quite another Smith. Well, 
 this defunct elder left a small assortment of wives behind him 
 —I think there were seventeen — of all ages, from seventeen 
 to seventy. This miscellaneous gathering included three grand- 
 mothers, a fact which lent a venerable sanctity to the affair. I 
 received an invitation — I went — and was introduced to the 
 whole seventeen widows at once. Sam Weller or Dr Shelton 
 ••Mackenzie — I forget which — says, "One widow is dangerous;" 
 but, perhaps, there is safety in a multitude of them. All I 
 know is, that they made the tenderest appeals to me, as a man 
 and a brother; but I threw myself upon their mercy — I told 
 them I was far away from my parents and my Sainted Maria, 
 and that I was a good young man ; and finally, I begged to 
 know if their intentions were honourable ? 
 
 One said : 
 
 "Young man, dash not the cup of happiness from your 
 life J " 
 
 I said : 
 
 " I have no objection to a cup, but I cannot stand an entire 
 hogshead ! " 
 
 They grew more and more tender — two put their arms 
 around me and pinioned me, while the other fifteen drew large 
 shears from their pockets, and, under pretence of getting a lock 
 of hair for each, they left me as bare as a goose-egg. Indians 
 couldn't have scalped me closer. I made Samson-like, my 
 escape from these Delilahs by stratagem. I assured them that 
 I was sickening for the measles, which, like love, is always the 
 more fatal the later it comes in life. I also told them that my 
 friend Hingston was a much better looking man than I was ; 
 also that he was an Englishman, and that, according to that 
 
5i6 ARTEMUS WARD 
 
 nation's creed, every Englishman is equal to five Americar 
 and five hundred Frenchmen : consequently there would b 
 some to. spare of him. This happy thought saved me. I wf 
 let off upon solemnly promising to deliver Hingston into the: 
 arms, bound, Laocoon-like, by the serpent spells of their charm; 
 or, like Regulus, potted and preserved in a barrel of finge; 
 nails, for their especial scratching. 
 
 Hingston, little dreaming of the sale I had made of bin 
 went on the pretended errand of conveying to these seventee 
 beauties a farewell bouquet. Poor fellow ! that is the last 
 ever saw of him — he was never heard of again. 
 
 The gentleman who acts as my manager is somebody elsi 
 I must ask the indulgence of the audience for twenty minute 
 while I drop a few tears to his memory. (Here Artemus hole 
 his head over a barrel, and the distinct dripping of a copioi 
 shower is heard.) 
 
 As I feel a little better, I will recommence my lecture — 
 don't mean to defend Mormonism — indeed, I have no hesit; 
 tion in affirming, and I affirm it boldly, and I would repeat tl 
 observation to my own wife's face, if I had one, but as I haven 
 one, I'll say it boldly to every other man's wife, that I don 
 think it wise to marry more than one wife at a time, withoi 
 it is done to oblige the ladies, and then it should be dor 
 sparingly, and not oftener than . three times a day, for tl 
 marriage ceremony isn't lightly to be repeated. But I want 1 
 tell you what Brigham Young observed to me. 
 
 " Artemus, my boy,' 7 said he, " you don't know how ofte 
 a man marries against his will. Let me recite one case out < 
 a hundred that has happened to myself. About three montl 
 ago a family arrived here — they were -from Hoboken — ever; 
 body knows how beautiful the Jersey girls are — with the e: 
 ception of applejack, they are the nicest things Jersey produce 
 Well, this family consisted of four daughters, a mother an 
 two grandmothers, one with teeth, the other without. I toe 
 a fancy to the youngest of the girls, and proposed. After coi 
 
AMONG THE MORMONS. 517 
 
 siderable reflection she said : ' I can't think of marrying you 
 without you marry my three sisters as well.' 
 
 "After some considerable hesitation I agreed, and went to 
 the girl's mother for her consent : — ' No objection to your 
 jimarrying my four girls, but you'll have to take me as well.' 
 After a little reflection, I consented, and went to the two 
 grandmothers for their consent : — ' No objection,' said the old 
 dames in a breath, ' but you '11 have to marry us as well. We 
 cannot think of separating the family.' After a little cosy 
 hesitation on my part, I finally agreed to swallow the two old 
 venerable antiquities as a sort of sauce to the other five." 
 
 Under these circumstances, who can wonder at Brigham 
 Young being the most highly married man in the Eepublic ? 
 In a word, he is too much married — indeed, if I were he, I 
 should say two hundred and too much married. 
 
 As I see my esteemed friend Joe Whitton, of Niblo's Garden, 
 sitting right before me, I will give him an anecdote which he 
 will appreciate. There is considerable barter in Salt Lake 
 City — horses and cows are good for hundred-dollar greenbacks, 
 while pigs, dogs, cats, babies, and pickaxes are the fractional 
 currency. I dare say my friend Joe Whitton would be as much 
 J - astonished as I was after my first lecture. Seeing a splendid 
 house I naturally began to reckon my spondulics. Full of this 
 Pactolean vision, I went into my treasurer's room. 
 
 " Now, Hingston, my boy, let us see what the proceeds are! 
 We shall soon make a fortune at this rate." 
 ' Hingston with the solemnity of a cashier, then read the pro- 
 ceeds of the lecture : — 
 
 " Three cows, one with horns, and two without, but not a 
 stumptail ; fourteen pigs, alive and grunting ; seventeen hams, 
 sugar cured ; three babies in arms, . two of them cutting th«ir 
 teeth, and the other sickening with the chicken-coop, or some 
 such disease." There were no end of old hats, ladies' hoops, 
 corsets, and another article of clothing, generally stolen from 
 the husband. There was also a secondhand coffin, three 
 
518 A. WARD AMONG THE MORMONS. 
 
 barrels of turnips, and a peck of coals ; there was likewise 
 footless pair of stockings without the legs, and a pair of en 
 broidered gaiters, a little worn. If I could find the legs b( 
 longing to them — well, I won't say what I'd do now — bu 
 leave all ladies in that pleasing state of expectation which i 
 true happiness. Ladies and gentlemen, my lecture is done — i 
 you refuse to leave the hall, you '11 be forcibly ejected. 
 
 THE END. 
 
A CLEVER AND BRILLIANT BOOK. 
 
 COMPANION TO THE "BON GAULTIER BALLADS:' 
 
 PUCK ON PEGASUS. 
 
 H. CHOLMONDELY PENNELL. 
 
 — -^-3^5-v^-" 1 " 
 
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This day, pp. 328, in 8vo, price 6s. 6d., by post 7s., 
 NEW DICTIONARY OF COLLOQUIAL ENGLISH. 
 
 SLANG DICTIONARY; 
 
 OB, 
 
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 of High and Low Society ; 
 
 Many with their Etymology, and a few with their History traced. 
 WITH CURIOUS ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 j aistoi 
 
 Egyptian ITieroolyphicVerb, 
 to he drunk, showing the am- 
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 under Breaky Leg (viz. 
 Strong Prink) in the Diction 
 aru, p. 81. 
 
 Wedge and Wooden S^oon, 
 See p. 272. 
 
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 the Dictionary, p. 264 
 
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THE WORKS OF THE LATE ARTEMUS WARD. 
 
 HOTTEN' S AUTHORISED ONLY COMPLETE EDITIONS. 
 
 New Edition, this day, price is. ; by post, is. 2d., 
 
 Artemus Ward: His Book. The Authors Enlarged Edition. 
 
 With Notes and Introduction, by the Editor of the " Blglow Papers." One of die wittiest and 
 certainly Hie most mirth-provoking book published for many years. Containing the whole of the 
 Original, with the following extra chapters : Babes m the Wood ; Tavern Accommodation ; Betsy- 
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 Brother ; Mormon Bill of Fare. 
 NOTICE. — Mr Hottcn's Edition is the only one published in this country with the sanction of the 
 
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 salt is rubbed in by a native hand — one which has the gift of tickling," 
 
 " We never, not even in the pages of our best humorists, read anything so laughable and so slirev.d 
 
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 Artemus Ward : His Travels Among the Mormons and on the 
 
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 This day, on toned paper, price 6d. ; by post, 7d., 
 
 Artemus Ward Among the Fenians : with the Showman's Ex- 
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 between our lips as our eyes filled with tears 1— laughter for Artemus's wit — tears for his untimely 
 death 1 This book is a record of both. Those who never saw Artemus in the flesh, let them read ol 
 him in the sy\r\t." —Tom ahezit'fc. 
 
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 has been so costly and slow it is never likely to decrease in value. 
 
 Exquisite Miniatures and Illuminations. — " Golden 
 
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 edges, £2 5s. 
 
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 Apply direct for this exquisite volume. 
 
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 Dickens's Speeches, Literary and Social. Now first 
 
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 A Third Supply of Yankee Drolleries, comprising 
 
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 ~V* A volume of startling facts and opinions upon this very mysterious 
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 *** A new book ef daring and inimitable designs, which will excite considerable attention, and 
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 Direct application must be made to Mr. Hotten for this book. 
 
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 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
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 The translations, hitherto published in this country and hi America, can b_ 
 
 regarded as little more than abridgments. 
 
 Napoleon III., The Man of his Time: 
 
 Fart I.— The Story of the Life of Napoleon III., as told by Jas W. 
 
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 Part II. — The Same Story, fx told by the Popular Caricatures of 
 
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 Crown Svo, 400 pages, j 3 . 61. 
 
 V The object of this Work is to give both sides of the Story The Artist has 
 gone over the entire ground of Continental and English Caricatures for the last 
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 Bismarck, the Great German Statesman. The Story 
 
 of ins Career, told for Popnlar Reading. By Mr. Geo. Bullen, of 
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 •»• An admirable account of the "Man of Blood and Iron;" giving numerous 
 
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 Echoes from the French Poets. An Anthology from 
 
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VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
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 By William Lee, Esq. With Facsimiles and Illustrations. 
 *J> For many years it has been well known in literary circles that 
 the gentleman to whom the public is indebted for this valuable addition 
 to the knowledge ii Defoe's Life and Works has been an indefatigable 
 collector of everything relating to the subject, and that such collection 
 had reference to a more full and correct Memoir than had yet been given. 
 to the world. In 3 vols., uniform with " Macaulay s History of England. 
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 Vols. II. and III.— HITHERTO UNKNOWN" WRITINGS. 
 » # * This will be a most valuable contribution to English History and 
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 trated with Plates and Woodcuts. By John E. Cussans. In crowa 
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 Michael Faraday. Philosopher and Christian. By 
 
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 *»* An entirely new book of Household Amusements. An Appendix gives 
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VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 NEW SERIES OF ILLUSTRATED HUMOROUS NOVELS. 
 
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 Crown 8vo, cloth gilt, 6s. 
 
 MR. MOSS, IN THE DISCOUNTING LINE. 
 
 ml *'^e^f"-i , ;S,«^'• " !nlended "<* "^ '" 0i * ™ der »- "»' "" <* ""nested in men., 
 
 The Genial Showman; or, Adventures with Artemus 
 
 Ward, and the Story of his Life, z vols., crown 8vo, illustrated by 
 
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 >ne, uJ i„ s chapter, ^m^lA^lT^S^Z^ ""'^ "" """^ M0U '" ai '" f 
 
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VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 The Secret Out; or, One Thousand Tricks with 
 
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 %* A perfect Cyclopaedia of Legerdemain. Unaer the title of " Le Magicien 
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 Art of Amusing (The). A Collection of Graceful 
 
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 Everybody, and enable all to amuse everybody else. By Fkakk 
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VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
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 THE STANDARD EDITION. 
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 Edited, with a New Account of the Origin of Robinson Crusoe, by 
 
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 tS> 
 
 *** This edition deserves special attention, from the fact that it is 
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 the kindness of Mr. Lee a copy of the rare and valuable original, in 
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 and all those alterations and blunders which have been discovered in 
 every recent edition are in this case avoided. There is no living artist 
 better adapted to the task of illustrating Crusoe than Ernest Griset. 
 
 Tables of JEsop. With Illustrations by Henry L. 
 
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 *„* In artistic circles the very highest praise has been accorded to the above designs. 
 
 The Kosicrucians ; their Bites and Mysteries. With 
 
 Chapters on the Ancient Fire- and Serpent-Worshippers, and Explana- 
 tions of the Mystic Symbols represented in the Monuments and 
 talismans of the Primeval Philosophers. By Hajigrave Jennings. 
 Grown 8vo, 316 wood engravings, ios. 6d. 
 
 John Camden Batten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Flagellation and the Flagellants ; a History of the 
 
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 V " A very remarkable, and certainly a very readable, volume Those ^ho 
 care for quaint stories of the birch will find much matter for reflection, and not 
 a little amusement, in Mr. Cooper's ' Flagellation ' book/W>a* J '«e!7 r «J>^^_ 
 
 The Englishman's House, from a Cottage to a 
 
 Mansion: a Practical Guide to Members of Building Societies, and all 
 interested in Selecting or Building a House. By C. J. Richardson, 
 Architect (Author of " Old English Mansions," &c). Second Edition, 
 corrected and enlarged, with nearly 600 Illustrations. Orown evo, 
 550 pages, cloth, 7s. 6d. 
 
 • * This Work might not inappropriately be termed " A Book of Houses." 
 It (rives Ivery variety of house, from a workman's cottage to a nobleman s palace 
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VERY IMPORTANT NEW HOOKS. 
 
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 and "William Prince of Orange, from the Dutch of H. J. Sckimmel, 
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 * + * Tliis novel relates to one of the most interesting periods of onr history. It has created the- 
 greatest excitement on the Continent, where it quickly pas9ed through several editions. It is now 
 translated from the Dutch with tho assistance of the author. 
 
 UNIFORM WITH DOCTOR SYNTAX. 
 Wonderful Characters. Memoirs and Anecdotes of 
 
 Remarkable and Eccentric Persons of Every Age and Nation. Front 
 the text of Henry Wilson and James Cai;lfield. 8vo. Sixty-one 
 
 FULL-PAGE EXGRAVINGS OF EXTRAORDINARY PERSONS. 73. 6J. 
 
 ' Ji 
 
 
 *** One of tho cheapest and most amusing books ever published. There are so many curious- 
 matters discussed in this volume, that any person who takes it up will not readily lay it down. Thr 
 introduction is almost entirely devoted to a consideration of Pig-I-aced Ladies^ and the vurioua stories- 
 concerning them. 
 
 Artemus Ward in London. Including his well-known. 
 
 Letters to "Punch." Square i6mo, is. 6d. ; cloth, zs. 
 
 * + * An entirely now volume of Wit and Fun by the famous humorist, and one which is sure to- 
 
 becume popular. 
 
 NEW BOOK ON THE LONDON PARKS. 
 
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 By Jacob Larwood. With numerous illustrations. Vol. I., Hyde- 
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 *** This is a now and most Interesting work, giving a complete Tlistorr of these favourite ont-of- 
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 An Epic of Women, and other Poems. By Arthur 
 
 W. E. O'Shaughnessy. With some Original Designs by Mr. J T 
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 price 6i. J ' 
 
 "What he has given lis is remarkable. With its quaint title, and quaint illus- 
 trations, An Epic of Women will be a rich treat tu a wide circle of admirers " 
 — Athenceum, Xov. 5, 1870. 
 
 " Combine Morris and Swinburne, and inspire the product with a fervour 
 essentially original, and you have, as we take it, a fair notion of Mr. O'Shaush- 
 nessys poems. '—Dispatch, Oct. 30, 1870. 
 
 Anacreon. Illustrated by the Exquisite Designs of 
 
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 cloth and Etruscan gold, 123. 61. 
 
 V A MOST BEAUTIFUL AND CAPTIVATING VOLUME. The well-known 
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 ii per copy. The designs have been universally admired by both artists and 
 poets. 
 
 Albert Durer's "Little Passion." As Engraved by 
 
 the distinguished artist in 1509-10, consisting of 37 inimitable designs 
 upon wood. With a survey ot Durer's Works by \V. C. Prime. Royal 
 4to. The illustratioHS in exquisite facsimile, emblematic binding, 25s. 
 *V Only 100 copies of this beautiful book were printed. 
 
 8 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 The Champion Pig of England. A Capital Story for 
 
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 We ne'er shall look upon his like again." 
 
 UNIFORM WITH MR. BUSKIN'S EDITION OF "GERMAN 
 POPULAR STORIES." 
 
 Prince Ubbely Bubble's Mew Story Book. 
 
 THE DRAGON ALL COVERED WITH SPIKES. 
 
 THE LONG-TAILED NAG. 
 
 THE THREE ONE-LEGGED MEN. 
 
 THE OLD FIT AND THE YOUNG FLY 
 
 TOM AND THE OGRE. 
 
 And many other tales. 
 By J. Templeton Lucas With numerous Illustrations by Matt 
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 Gilt leaves, 5s. 6d. 
 
 *** This is an entirely new story-book, and one that is likely to become 
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 Acrostics in Prose and Verse. Edited by A. E. H. 
 
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VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 POPULAR EDITION OF MR. DISRAELI'S SPEECHES. 
 Disraeli's (The Right Hon. B.) Speeches on the Con- 
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 is. iod. 
 
 *** Selected and edited, -with tlie approval of the late First Minister of the Crown, by J, F 
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 licence to avail himself. 
 
 Artemus Ward's lecture at the Egyptian Kail, with. 
 
 the Panorama,, 6s. Edited by T. W. Bobertson (Author of " Caste," 
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 sitely printed, green and gold, with numerous tinted illustrations, 
 price 6s. 
 
 " Mr Hotten has conceived the happy idea of printing Artemus Ward s 
 ' Lecture' in such a way as to afford the reader an accurate notion of the 
 emphasis, by-play, &c, with which it was delivered. We have no hesita- 
 tion in saying that Mr. Hotten has almost restored the great humorist to 
 the flesh."— Daily Telegraph. 
 
 » The tomahawk fell from our hands as wo roared with lauRhter— the pipe of peace slipped from, 
 
 him in the spirit"— Tomahawk. 
 
 "It actually reproduces Ward's Lecture, which was brimful of flirt-daw wit and humour. - 
 — Daily News. 
 
 " It keeps you in fits of laughter."— Leader. 
 
 'One of the choice and curious volumes for the issue of which Mr. Hotten has become famous. - 
 niiy Press. 
 
 "Tho Lecture is not alone droll; it is full of information."-Eraro">er. 
 
 "It adds ono to the books of genuine fun we have cot."— Sunday Times. 
 
 Reading's (Cyrus) Personal Reminiscences of Emi- 
 nent Men. Thick cr. 8vo, three vols., $b. complete. 
 V Full of amusing stories of eminent Literary and other Celebrities 
 of the present century. The work is a fund of anecdote. 
 
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 John Camden Hotten, 74 and, 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 THE NEW " PTJKIANA SERIES " OF 
 
 CHOICE ILLUSTRATED WORKS OF 
 HUMOUR. 
 
 Elegantly printed, on toned paper, full gilt, gilt edges, fcr tfit 
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 £. Carols of Cockayne. By Henry S. Leigh. Vers d© 
 
 Societe, and charming Verses descriptive of London Lite. With numer- 
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 2. The "Bab Ballads" New Illustrated Book of Hu. 
 
 mouk; or, a Great Deal of Rhyme with tery little Reason. 
 By W. S. Gilbert. With a. most laughablr illustration on 
 mearlt every page, drawn by the Author, uu toned paper, gilt 
 edges, price 6s. 
 
 " An awfully Jolly Book for Parties." 
 
 3. Funiana. Best Book of Riddles and Pu^s ever 
 
 formed. Thoughts Wise and Otherwise. With nearly ioo exquisitely 
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 most outrageous Puns, and is one of the most popular books ever issued. 
 New edition, uniform with the "Bab Ballads," price 6s. 
 
 Why did Du Chaillu get so angry token he teas chaffed about tht 
 Gorilla ? Why ? we ask. 
 
 Why is a chrysalis like a hot roll ? Ton will doubtless remark, "B«- 
 cause it's the grub that makes the butter jly !" But see " Pimiana." 
 
 Why is a wide-awake hat so called ? Because it never had a nap, and 
 never wants one, 
 
 Tbe Saturday Review saya of tbia most amuaine work—" Enormous burlesque— on approach able 
 nod pre-eminent. We Tenture to tbink that this very queer volume will bfi a favourite. It deserve 
 to be bo : and we should au litest that, to a dull person desirous to (tet credit with i lie young holiday 
 people, it would be good policy to invest In tbe book, aud dole it out by instalments." 
 
 John Camden Sotten, 74 a».d 75, Piccadilly, fV, * 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
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 morocco, price 12s. 
 
 •»* A re-issue of the famous pictorial comicalities which were bo popular thirty years axo. The 
 volume is admirably adapted for a table-bonk, and the pictures will doubtless ap-ain meet with that 
 "•■'iilariiy which was extended towards them when the artiat projected with. Mr. Dickens the fanou* 
 "P.ckwick. Papers." 
 
 The Famous " DOCTOR SYNTAX'S " Three Tours. 
 
 One of the most Amusing and Laughable Books ever published. With 
 the whole of Eowlandson's very droll full-page illustrations, in colours, 
 after the original drawings. Comprising the well-known ToufiS : — 
 
 1. In Search of the Picturesqus. 
 
 2. In Search of Consolation. 
 
 3. In Search of a "Wife. 
 
 The three series complete and unabridged from the original editions in 
 one handsome volume, with a Life of this industrious Author — the En- 
 glish Le Sage — now first written by John Camden Hotten, 
 
 •»• It is not a little surprising that the most voluminous and popular 
 English writer since the days of Defoe should never before have received 
 the small honour of a biography. This Edition contains the whole of the 
 original, hitherto sold for £i us. 6d., but which is now published at 
 
 7s. 6d. only. 
 
 A VEEY USEFUL BOOK. In folio, half morocco, cloth sides, 7s. 6d. 
 Literary Scraps, Cuttings from Newspapers, Extracts, 
 
 Miscellanea, &c. A FOLIO SCRAP-BOOK OF 340 COLUMNS, 
 
 formed for the reception of Cuttings, &c, with guards. 
 
 «S- Authors and literary men liave thanked the publisher for this useful 
 book. 
 
 •.' A mo.t useful volume. «od one of the »ue»pe.t ever .old. The booi 1. .ure to be apprecuted- 
 and to become popular. 
 
 Hone's Scrap Book. A Supplementary Jo'"" 16 , *° * he 
 
 "Every-Day Book," the "Tear Book," and the " Table-Book." From 
 the MSS. of the late William Hone, with upwards of One H™dred 
 and Fifty engravings of curious or eccentric objects. Thick 8vo, uniform 
 with"YearS ok,"pp.8 o. [_ In preparation. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, TT. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOICS. 
 
 More Yankee Drolleries. A Second Series of cele- 
 brated Worts by the best American Humorists. Artemus Ward's 
 Travels ; Hans Bkeitmann ; Professor at the Breakfast-Table ; 
 Biglow Papers, Part. IT. ; Josh Billings. With an Introduction 
 by George Augustus Sala. Crown 8vo, 700 pages, cloth extra, 3s. 6d. 
 
 *** An entirely new gathering of Transatlantic humour. Twelve thousand copies of the Pint 
 ecrics hare been sold. 
 
 UNIFORM WITH DB. SYNTAX. 
 Life in London; or, the Day and Might Scenes of 
 
 Jerry Hawthorn and Corinthian Tom. Crown 8vo. WITH THE 
 WHOLE OF CRUIKSHANK'S VERYDROLL ILLUSTRATIONS, 
 IN COLOURS, AFTER THE ORIGINALS. Cloth extra, 7s. 6d. 
 
 Tom and Jerry taking a stroCL 
 
 *** One of the most popular books ever issued. It was an immense favourite with George IV.,. 
 and as a picture of London life 50 years ago was often quoted by Thackeray, who devotes one of 
 bis " Roundabout Papers" to a description of it- Clean second-band copies of this work always 
 realise from £\ to £2. 
 
 Pierce Egan's "Finish" to "Life In and Out of 
 
 London," 8vo, cloth extra, with spirited Coloured Illustrations 
 by Cruikshank, i8s. 
 
 *** This is the quaint original edition of one of the most amusing pictures of London life ever 
 written. 
 
 Apply to Mr. Hotten direct for this work. 
 
 Pine Old Hunting Books, with Coloured Plates, 
 
 MR. JORROCK'S JAUNTS AND JOLLITIES. 
 LIFE AND ADVENTURES OF JACK MYTTON. 
 ANALYSIS OF THE HUNTING FIELD. 
 LIFE OF A SFORTSMAN. BY NIMROD. 
 Apply to Mr. Hotten direct for these boohs. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Mark Twain's New Pilgrim's Progress. A delight- 
 fully fresh and amusing Volume of Travel. Companion to the popular 
 "Innocents Abroad." 33. 6d. ; paper, is. 
 V Readers who approved of this Author's quaint story of " The Jumping 
 
 Frog," will be very well satisfied with the "New Pilgrim's Progress ■" there has 
 
 been no work like it issued here for years. 
 
 Mark Twain's Innocents Abroad. THE VOYAGE 
 
 OUT. Price 3s. 6d. cloth extra ; a paper edition, is. 
 
 \* A delightful, fresh, and amusing volume of travels. Readers who appre- 
 ciate true wit and humour will be well satisfied with " The Innocents Abroad." 
 
 The Luck of Roaring Camp, and other Stories. 
 
 By Beet HAkte. Crown 8vo, toned paper, 3s. 6d. ; a paper edition, is. 
 *** The Work of a new candidate to literary honour. The Publisher of a book 
 is not perhaps always the most unbiassed person to give an opinion about it ; 
 but in the present instance the writer has no hesitation in sayirig that English 
 readers will be charmed with these inimitable stories of strange life in the Far 
 West— away on the Pacific slope. The fun, the very humour of the thing, has a 
 May freshness about it, which smacks not of the Old "World. 
 
 Champagne: its History, Manufacture, Properties, 
 
 &o. By Chabi.es Toyey, Author of " Wine and Wine Countries," 
 " British and Foreign Spirits," &c. Crown 8ro, with numerous illus- 
 trations, 5s. 
 %* A practical work, by one of the largest champagne merchants in London. 
 
 Acrostics. An Entirely New and Original Work, 
 
 constituting the FIFTH SERIES of the popular A. E. H. Acrostics. 
 12010, cloth elegant, 49. 6d. 
 
 *** The authoress is a lady of high position in the North of England, and her 
 hooks are very popular amongst the best Families hi the country. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 9 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 AARON FENLEY'S Sketching in Water Colours, 21s. 
 
 By the Author of " The English School of Painting in Water-Colours," 
 &c. Illustrated with Twenty-one Beautiful Chromo-Litho- 
 graphs, produced with the utmost care to resemble original Water- 
 Colour Drawings. Small folio, the text tastefully printed, in hand- 
 some binding, gilt edges, suitable for the drawing-room table, price 21s. 
 
 *** It hag lon<r been felt that the magnificent work of the great English master of painting in 
 water-colours, published at £i 4s., was too dear for general circulation. The above embodies all 
 the instructions of the distingnishcj author, with twenty-one beautiful specimens of wutcr-colour 
 painting/. It IS A M09T CUARJILXQ FKESE3X FOR A YOL'NG LADY. 
 
 A Clever and Brilliant Book (Companion to the " Bon Gaultier 
 Ballads"), FUCK ON PEGASUS. Bi H. Cholmondeley 
 Pennell. 
 
 O" This most amusing work has already 
 passed through five editions, receiving 
 everywhere the highest praise as " a clever 
 and brilliant book." TO NO OTHER 
 ™ ,r^ T „ „™ WORK OF THE PRESENT DAY HAVE 
 
 SO MANY DISTINGUISHED ARTISTS CONTRIBUTED ILLUS- 
 TRATIONS. To the designs of GEORGE CRUIKSHANK, JOHN 
 ^EW 1 ' JULIAN PORTCH, "PHIZ," and other artists, SIR NOEL 
 Hr°M' * !ILLAIS ' JOHN TENNIEL, RICHARD DOYLE, and M. 
 ELLEN EDWARDS have now contributed several exquisite pictures, 
 thus making the neio edition— which is twice the size of the old one 
 and contains irresistibly funny pieces— THE BEST BOOK FOR THE 
 DRAWING-ROOM TABLE NOW PUBLISHED. 
 
 In 4*0, printed within an india-paper tone, and elegantly bound, qilt, 
 gilt edges, price ios. 6d. only. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VEltY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 MOST AMUSING NEW BOOK. ~ ~ 
 
 Caricature History of the Georges (House of Hanover). 
 
 Very entertaining book of 640 pages, with 400 Pictures, Caricatures, 
 Squibs, Broadsides, Window Pictures. By T. Weight, F.S.A. 7s. 6d- 
 
 *#* Companion Volume to "History of Signboards." Reviewed ia- 
 almost every English journal with highest approbation. 
 
 "A Bet of caricatures sneh as we have in Mr. Wright's volame brings the surface of the up© 
 before us with a vividness tliat no prose'writor, even of the highest power, could emulate. 
 Hacmi'iiy's most brilliant sentence is weak by the side of the little woodcut from Gillruy wich gives 
 ma Bui ke and Fox." — Saturday Reciew. 
 
 " A More amusing work of its kind never issued from the press." — Art Journal 
 
 "This b one of the most agreeable and interesting books of the season."— Public Opinion. 
 
 "It seems superfluous to say that this is an entertaining book. It is indeed one of the most 
 entertaining books we have read for a long time. It is history teaching by caricature. There is 
 nardly an event of note, hardly a personage of ma-k, burdly a social wliimsey worth s moment'* 
 police, which is not mtiiisert and illustrated in these pages. We have here the caricaturists from 
 Hogarth to Gillray, and from Gillray to Cmiksbank."— Morning Star. 
 
 "It ii emphatically one of the liveliest of books, as also one of the most interesting. It has ths 
 tsrefold^ffierit of being at onco amusing and edifying. The 600 odd pages which make up the 
 Goodly volame are douldy enhanced by some 4U0 illustrations, of which a dozen are full-page 
 engravings."— Murmng Post. 
 
 "Mr. Thomas Wright Is so ripe a scholar, and is so rich In historical reminiscences, that he 
 cannot fail to make an interesting book on any subject he undertakes to illustrate, lie has achieved 
 ■ (Kcceu on the present occasion. "—Vrctt 
 
 ITotice,— Large-paper Edition. 4to, only 100 printed, 
 
 on extra fine paper, wide margins for the lovers of choice books, with 
 extra Portraits, half-morocco (a capital book to illustrate), 30s. 
 
 Romance of the Rod: an Anecdotal History of the 
 
 Birch in Ancient and Modern Times. With some quaint illustrations. 
 Crown 8vo, handsomely printed. [In preparation* 
 
 Jolm Camden Rotten* 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W, ~ % 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Popular Shilling Books of Humour. 
 
 Aktemus Waed : His Book. 
 Aktemus Waed Amonq the 
 
 Mokmons. 
 Biglow Papers. 
 Okpheus C. Keek Papers. 
 
 Josh Billings. 
 
 Hood's Veee Veeekee. 
 Holmes' Wit and Humous. 
 Never Caught. 
 Chips from a Bough Log. 
 Me. Sprouts : His Opinions. 
 
 Yankee Drolleries. Edited by George Augustus Sala, 
 
 Containing Artemus Ward ; Biglow Papers ; Orpheus C. Kerr ; Major 
 Jack Downing ; and Na9by Papers. One of the cheapest books ever 
 published. New Edition, on toned paper, cloth extra, 700 pages, 3s. 6d. 
 
 Orpheus C. Kerr Papers. The Original American 
 
 Edition, Three Series, complete. 3 vols. 8vo, cloth ; sells at £1 zs. 6d., 
 now specially offered at 15s. 
 
 *** A most mirth-provoking work. It wae first introduced into this conntry by the English 
 officers who were quartered during the late war on the Canadian frontier. They found it one of 
 the drollest pieces of composition they had ever met with, and so brought copies over for the 
 delectation of their friends. 
 
 A Keepsake for Smokers. — " The Smoker's Text- 
 Book." By J. Hamer, F.R.S.L. This day, exquisitely printed from 
 " flilver-f aced" type, cloth, very neat, gilt edges, 2s. 6d., poet free. 
 
 THE TRUE CONSOLER. 
 
 fc il.nnlf ths 
 
 •oii„r tb.r. yp 
 
 jh 1 " irhUpm Uit •rouni 
 ih. bout! ibo prl TiUjf* to 
 
 'Vi.ua On Ibf "holr. then, traim in 
 lm »le (Iu-«d in lhat, JuplUr. lianf 
 t Hi v balance, and waigh ih<m both ; 
 id if thou (i»e the preterm t« Ummin, 
 
 M A ri'ps is A profit comforter, a pleasant soother. The man who amokes thinks like a eaje, and 
 acts like a Snraarilaa," — Buiwer. 
 
 " A liny volume, dedicated to the votaries of the weed ; beautif ufly printer! on toned paper in, wg 
 believe, the smallest typo ever made (cast especially for ihowat the Great Exhibition in Hyde Park), 
 but vovy clear notwithstanding ita minuteness. . . . The pages sing in various styles the praises 
 of tobacco. Amongst the writers laid under contribution are Buiwer. Kingaley, Charles Lamb, 
 Thackeray, Isaac Browne, Cowper, and Byron."— The Field. 
 
 Icaaghing Philosopher (The), consisting of several 
 
 Thousand of the best Jokes, Witticisms, Puns, Epigrams, Humorous 
 Stories, and Witty Compositions in the English Language; intended 
 as "Fun for the Million." Square izmo, nearly 800 pagea, frontis- 
 piece, half morocco neat, 59. 6d. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 The History of Advertising in all Ages and Countries. 
 
 A Companion to the "Histoky o? Signboards." With many very 
 amusing Anecdotes and Examples of Successful Advertisers. By 
 Messbs. Laewood and Hotten. [In preparation. 
 
 Signboards : their History. With Anecdotes of Famous 
 
 Taverns and remarkable Characters. By Jasob Laewood and John 
 Camden Hotten. " A book which will delight all." — Spectator. Thia 
 day, Fourth Edition, pages 5 So, price 7s. 6d. only. 
 
 From the u Timet. 9 
 "It is not fair OB 
 toe part of a re- 
 viewer to pick oat 
 the plants of an 
 author's book, thus 
 filching away his 
 cream, and leaving 
 little bat skim-milk 
 remaining ; but, even 
 If we were ever so 
 maliciously inclined. 
 
 From the u Timet.* 
 
 we could not in the 
 present instance 
 pick oat all Messrs. 
 Larwood and Hot- 
 ten's plums, because 
 the good things are 
 so numerous aa to 
 defy the most whole- 
 sale depredation." — 
 Review of thre* 
 columns. 
 
 BULL AND MOUTH. 
 (Angel St, St Martln's-le-Grand, circa IS00.t 
 
 * # * Nearly 100 most curious illustrations on wood are given, showing 
 the various old signs which were formerly hung from taverns and other 
 houses. The frontispiece represents the famous sign of "The Man 
 loaded with Mischief," in the colours of the original painting said to 
 have been executed by Hogarth. 
 
 Notice.— " Large-paper Edition," with Seventy-Two 
 
 extra Illustrations (not given in the small edition), showing Old 
 London in the days when Signboards hung from almost every house. 
 In 4to, half -morocco neat, 30s. 
 
 *** Only a small number printed on extra fine paper with wide margins for the lover of fine book* 
 
 The Parks of London. Their History and Asso- 
 ciations from the Earliest Times. By Jacob Laewood. "With Illus- 
 
 TBATIONS BT THE AUTHOE. [*» the Press.. 
 
 AN" EXTBAOBDINABY BOOK. 
 Hotten's Edition of " Contes Drolatiqnes " (Broil 
 
 Tales collected from the Abbeys of Loraine). Par Baizac. "With 
 Four Hundred and Twenty-five Marvellous, Extravagant, and Fan- 
 tastic Woodcuts by Gustave Doee. Beautifully printed, thick Svo, 
 half morocco, Roxburghe, 12s. 6d. 
 
 *** The most singular designs ever attempted by any artist This book is a fund of amusement 
 ■0 crammed is it with pictures that even the contents are adorned with thirty-three .Huatrations. 
 
 Direct application must be made to Mr. Hotten for this work. 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Sets of "Punch," 1841— 1860. EEr. Eottcn haa 
 
 nurchascd from the Messrs. Virtue and Co. their entice remainder 
 of this important set of books, which contains, among its 12,000 Illus- 
 trations and Contributions from the most noted Wits of the time, the 
 "whole or Leech's Sketches, 4 vols. ; Leech's Pencillings, 2 vols.; 
 Tenniel's Cartoons; Doyle's Mr. Pips hys Diary; Manners and 
 Customs of the English ; Brown, Jones, and Eobinson ; Punch's 
 Almanacks, I vol. ; Thackeray's Miscellanies, 4 vols. ; The Caudle 
 Lectures ; Story of a Feather ; &c, &o. 39 half -yearly vols, bound in 
 70 vols., cloth gilt, gilt edges, published at £16 10s., to be obtained of 
 Mr. Hotten for £6 103. only. 
 
 The Standard Work 011 Diamonds and Precious Stones; 
 
 their Ilistory, Value, and Properties, with Simple Tests for Ascer- 
 taining their Reality. By Harry Emanuel, F.E.G.S. With nume- 
 rous Illustrations, tinted and plain. New Edition, Prices brought 
 down to Present Time, full gilt, 12s. 6d. 
 
 ♦•Will be acceptable lo many readers." — Timet, 
 
 •'An Invaluable work for buyers and sellers." — Spectator. 
 
 See the ri,nes' Review of three column* 
 
 * # * This new edition is greatly superior to the previous one. It gives 
 the latest market value for Diamonds and Precious Stones of every size. 
 
 Tho Young Botanist : A Popular Guide to Elementary 
 
 Botany. By T. S. Ralph, of the Limuean Society. In 1 vol., with 
 300 Drawings from Nature, 2s. 6d. plain, 4s. 6d. coloured by hand. 
 
 *** An excellent book for the you^cr beginner. The obiect9 selected as illustrations are either 
 easy of access aJ spcoiuuus of wild put:] Is, or are coruuiou in gardena. 
 
 ■punter's Modern Confectioner. The Best Book on 
 
 Confectionery and Desserts. An Entirely New Edition of thia 
 Standard Work on the Preparation of Confectionery and the Arrange- 
 ment of Desserts. Adapted for private families or large establish- 
 ments. By William Jeanes, Chief Confectioner at Messrs. Guntcr's 
 (Confectioners to Her Majesty), Berkeley-square. With Plates, post 
 8vo, cloth, 6s. 6d. 
 
 "All housekeepers should have it" — Daily TelepyapK 
 
 * # * This work has won for itself the reputation of being the Standard 
 English Boole on the preparation of all kind3 of Confectionery, and on 
 the arrangement of Desserts. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 antj 7J, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS'. 
 
 NEW BOOK BY THE "ENGLISH GUSTAVE DORE."— 
 
 COMPANION TO THE " HATCHET-THROWERS." 
 
 Legends of Savage Life. By James Greenwood, the 
 
 famous Author of " A Night in a Workhouse.'' With 36 inimitably 
 droll illustrations, drawn and coloured by Ernest Gkiset, the 
 " English Gustave Dore." 4to, coloured, 7s. 6d. ; plain, 5s. 
 
 *«* Readers who found amusement in the " Hatchet-Throwers " will not regret any acquaintance 
 they may form with this comical work. The pictures are among the most surprising which have 
 come from this artist's pencil. 
 
 "A Munchausen sort of book. The drawings by M. Griset are very powerful and eccentric." — 
 Saturday Review. 
 
 School Life at Winchester College; or, the Remi- 
 niscences of a Winchester Junior. By the Author of " The Log of 
 the Water Lily," and " The Water Lily on the Danube." Second 
 edition, revised, coloured plates, 7s. 6d. 
 
 *.* This book does for Winchester what " Tom Brown's School Days " did for Rugby. 
 
 Log of the " Water Lily " (Thames Gig), during Two 
 
 Cruises in the Summers of 1851-52, on the Rhine, Neckar, Main, 
 Moselle, Danube, and other Streams of Germany. By R. B. Mans- 
 field, B.A., of University College, Oxford, and illustrated by All' rei> 
 Thompson, B.A., of Trinity College, Cambridge. [In preparation . 
 
 *** This TVfts the earliest boat excursion of the kind ever made on the Continental rivers. Vcrv 
 recently the subject has been revived aguin in tlie exploits of Mr. MacGrepror in Ids " Hob Hoy 
 Canoe. The volume will be found most interesting to those who propose taking a similar trip,. 
 whether on the Continent or elsewhere. 
 
 The Hatchet-Throwers. With Thirty-six Illustra- 
 tions, coloured after the Inimitably Grotesque Drawings of Ernest 
 Griset, the English Gustave Dore. 4-to, cloth gilt, 7s. 6d. ; plates, 
 uncoloured, 5s. 
 
 *** Comprises the astonishing adventures of Three Ancient Mariners, the Brothers Erase oF 
 Bristol, Mr. Corker, and Mungo Midge. 
 
 Melcliior Gorles. By Henry Aitchenbie. 3 vols. 
 
 8vo, £i us. 6d. 
 
 *»* The New Novel, illustrative of "Mesmeric Influence." or whatever else V7e may choose to 
 term that strange power which some persons exercise over others. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Original Edition of Blake's Works. 
 
 NOTICE. — Mr. Hotten has in preparation a few facsimile copies (exact . 
 as to paper, printing — the ivater-colour drawings being filled in by an 
 artist) of the Original Editions of the Books written and Illustrated 
 by William Blake. As it is only intended to produce — with utmost 
 care — a few examples of each work, Mr. Hotten will be glad to hear from 
 any gentleman who may desire to secure copies of these wonderful books. 
 The first volume, " Marriage op Heaven and Hell," 4to, is now being 
 issued, price 303., half morocco. 
 
 ** Blake is a real name, I assure you, and a most extraordinary man he is. if he still be living:, 
 lie is the Blake whose wild designs accompany a splendid edition of ' Blair's Grave.' He paintt in 
 ivuter-colours marvellous strange pictures — visions of his biuin — which he asserts he has seen. Thei, 
 have great merit. I must look upon him. as one of the most extraordinary persons of the age "— 
 Chakles Lamb. 
 
 George Chapman's Plays, from the Original Texts. 
 
 Edited, with Notes and an Introduction, by Algernon Charles 
 Swinburne. 4 vols., tastefully printed, uniform with Wm. Pickering's 
 Editions of the " Old Dramatists." [In preparation. 
 
 UNIFORM WITH MR. SWINBURNE'S POEMS. 
 Pcap. 8vo, 45c pas-es. Vint* Portrait and Autograph, 7s. 6d. 
 
 Walt Whitman's Poems, (leaves of Grass, Brum- 
 
 Taps, &c.) Selected and Edited by William Michel "Rossstti, 
 
 " Whitman is a poet who bears and needs to be rend as a whole, arid then the volume and ti,.--~il 
 of his power carry the disfigurements alonp with it and away.— He is really a fine fellow."— 
 Chambers's Journal, in a very long Notice, JuJy 4th, 1SG3. 
 
 /%j%- 
 
 m- A great deal of prejudice in this -country has been shown against 
 t, is very remarkable author. His work slwuld be read by independent 
 
 Hossetti's Criticisms on Swinburnes Poems. Price 
 
 33. 6d. 
 
 The Prometheus Bound of iEschylus. Translated in 
 
 the Original Metres by C . B. Caylei-, B.A. Cloth, price 33. 6d. 
 
 SECOND EDITION.— Now ready, 4 to, ios. 6d., on toned paper, 
 very elegant. 
 
 Bianca. Poe ms and Ballads. By Edward Brennan. 
 
 «S John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 Fair Rosamond, and other Poems. By B. Mont- 
 
 gomerie Ranking (of the Inner Temple). Fcap. 8vo, price 6s. 
 
 Strawberry Hill, and other Poems. By Colburn 
 
 Maine, Esq. In strawberry binding, fcap. 8vo, 7s. 6&. 
 
 " It is a bright, clever little book, in which we find a great ileal of pood rhyme, and some genuine 
 and pleasing peetry. There are several charming pictures of the historic group, which we know 
 from Horace Walpole's letters and Sir Joshua's paintings." — Morning Star. 
 
 Xnfelicia. Poems by Adah Isaacs Menken. Illus- 
 trated With NUMEROUS GRACEFULLY PENCILLED DESIGNS DRAWN ON 
 
 wood, by Alfred Concanen. Dedicated, by permission, to Charles 
 Dickens, with photographic facs imil e of his letter, and a very beau- 
 tifully engraved portrait of the Authoress. In green and gold, 5s. 6d. 
 
 a poet ? Through- 
 out her verse there 
 runs a golden thread 
 of rich and pure 
 poet ry. ' ' — Press . 
 
 " There is a pas- 
 sionate richness 
 about many of thu 
 poems which is al- 
 most startling." — 
 Sunday Times. 
 
 "What can we 
 say of this gifted 
 and way w a r (1 
 woman, the exist- 
 ence of whose better 
 nature will be sug- 
 gested for the first 
 time to many by the 
 posthumous disclo- 
 sure of this book ? 
 We do not e»vy the 
 man who, reading 
 it, has only a sneer 
 for its writer ; nor 
 the woman who 
 finds it in her heart 
 to turn away with 
 averted face." — 
 New York Round 
 Table. 
 which a distinguished woman has left as a 
 
 "A paihetic little 
 folume exquisitely 
 got up." — Sun. 
 
 "It is full of 
 pathos and senti- 
 ment, displays a 
 keen appreciation of 
 beauty, and has re- 
 markable earnest- 
 ness and pasBion." — 
 Globe. 
 
 "A loving and 
 delicate care has 
 been bestowed on 
 perhaps the dain- 
 tiest pages of verse 
 tl*at have been 
 issued for many 
 years." — Lloyds 
 News. 
 
 "Few, if any, 
 • could have guessed 
 the power and 
 beauty of the 
 thought! that pos- 
 sessed her soul, and 
 found expression in 
 language at once 
 pure and melodious. 
 .... Who shall 
 say Menken was not 
 
 " An amusing little book, unhappily posthumous, 
 legacy to mankind and the ages." — Saturday Review. 
 
 Anaereon in English. Attempted in the Metres of 
 
 the Original. By Thomas J. Arnold. A choice little volume, price 4s. 
 
 The Village on the Forth, and other Poems.'.-' By 
 
 Philip Latimee. Just published, elegantly printed, price 3s. 6d. 
 
 Baudelaire. Translations from Chas. Baudelaire, 
 
 with a few Original Poems. By E. Heene Shepheed. Fcap., same 
 size as Tennyson's " Maud," price 5s. 
 
 John Camden Hotten, 74 and 75, Piccadilly, W. 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS. 
 
 MR SWINBURNE'S NEW BOOK. 
 
 V* "A wonderful literary performance; 1 — "Splendour oj 
 iyle and majestic beauty of diction never surpassed" — WILLIAM 
 BLAKE; A Critical Essay. With facsimile Paintings, 
 -coloured by hand, from the original drawings painted by 
 Thick 8vo, pp. 350, 16s. 
 
 with a sense of 
 
 Blake and his wife, 
 ** An extraordl 
 
 navy work : vio- 
 1 cut, extravagant, 
 perverse, calcu- 
 lated to startle, to 
 shock, and to alarm 
 many readers, but 
 ab o u n di ng in 
 beauty, and cha- 
 racterised by intel- 
 lectual grasp. . . 
 , . His power of 
 ■word - painting is 
 often truly won- 
 derful—sometimes, 
 it must be ad- 
 mitted, in excess, 
 'but always full of 
 ■matter, form, and 
 colour, andinstinct 
 
 vitality." — Daily 
 News. Feb. 12, 
 1868. 
 
 "It is in every 
 way worthy of Mr. 
 Swinburne's high 
 fame. In no pros© 
 
 ^^dm^r^ work can be found 
 poetry or more 
 
 passages of keener 
 
 finished grace, or 
 more impressive 
 HlH^. harmony. Strong, 
 I**" ~ vigorous, and 
 £L musical, the style 
 
 a* sweeps on like 
 
 a river."— SiMuEcw/ 
 Times. Jan. 12, 
 1868. 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's New Poem. — A Bong of Italy. 
 
 Fcap. 8vo, toned paper, cloth, price 3s. 6d. 
 
 *** The Alhmemtm remarks of this poem — " Seldom has euch a chant been heard 80 full of glow, 
 (Strength, and colour." 
 
 Third Edition. 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's Poems and Ballads. 
 
 Price 93. 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's Notes on his Poems, and on the 
 
 Reviews which have appeared upon them, is now ready, price is. 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's Atalanta in Calydon. Hew Edition, 
 
 fcap. 8vo, price 6s. 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's Chastelard. 
 
 Edition. Price 7s. 
 
 A Tragedy. Hew 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's Queen Mother and Rosamond. 
 
 Hew Edition, fcap. 8vo, price 5s. 
 
 Mr. Swinburne's Bothwell. 
 
 A NEW POEM. 
 
 [In preparation. 
 
 /o7im Camden Eotten, 74 and 75, VwriuUlly, W. 
 
 17 
 
VERY IMPORTANT NEW BOOKS 
 
 Best Guide to Reading Old MSS., Records, &c— 
 
 "Wright's Court Hand Restored; or, Student's Assistant in Reading 
 Old Deeds, Charters, Records, &o." Half morocco, ios. 6d. 
 IPS* A New Edition, corrected, of an invaluable woek to all who 
 
 HAVE OCCASION TO CONSULT OLD MSS., DEEDS, ChaETEES, 8fC. It 
 
 contains a series of Facsimiles of old MSS. from the tim e of the Conqueror, 
 Tables of Contractions and Abbreviations, Ancient Surnames, Ifc. 
 
 Handbook of Family History of the English Counties : 
 
 Descriptive Account of 20,000 most Curious and Rare Books, Old 
 Tracts, Ancient Manuscripts, Engravings, and Privately - printed 
 Family Papers, relating to the History of almost every Landed Estate 
 and Old English Family in the Country ; interspersed with nearly Two 
 Thousand Original Anecdotes, Topographical ana Antiquarian Notes. 
 By John Camden Hotten. Nearly 350 pages, very neat, price 5s. 
 
 *«* By *ct the largest collection of English and Welsh Topography and Family History evel 
 formed. Each article has a small price affixed for the convenience of those who may desire t* 
 s any book or tract that interests them. 
 
 Higgins' (Godfrey) Celtic Druids ; or, an attempt to 
 
 show that the Druids were the Priests of Oriental Colonies, the 
 introducers of the first or Cadmean System of Letters, the Builders of 
 Stonehenge, of Carnac, and other Cyclopean Works in Asia and 
 Europe. 4to, numerous plates of Druid monuments, rare, 32s. 
 
 *+* The most philosophical digest of the existing information npon the origin of Drui^»ftl 
 Worship. Copies have been sold for £7. At the above price the book is ridiculously cheap, com- 
 pared with the sums of money that have been paid for it very recently. Large paper copy, boards. 
 Asa, very scarce. 
 
 Dikect Application must be made to ■procure at these reduced prices. 
 Esholt in Airedale, Yorkshire : the Cistercian Priory 
 
 of St. Leonard, Account of, with View of Esholt Hall. Small 4to, 
 IS. 6d. 
 
 london Directory for 1667, the Earliest Known 
 
 List of the London Merchants. i2mo, very choicely printed, price 
 6s. 6d. See Beview in the Times, Jan. 22. 
 
 *** This carious little volume has been reprinted verbatim from one of the only two copies known 
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