CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME 
 OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT 
 FUND GIVEN IN 1891 BY 
 
 HENRY WILLIAMS SAGE 
 
PS 3523.A67S9""'™""^ "*"'"' 
 
 II mffiiB'Sffi, .9tLP.?iiya 35, 
 
 3 1924 021 755 875 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of tiiis book is in 
 tile Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924021755875 
 
SYMPTOMS DF BEING 35 
 
OTHER BOOKS 
 BY MR. LARDNER 
 
 Gtjllible's Travels 
 
 My Four Weeks in France 
 
 Treat 'Em Rough 
 
 The Real Dope 
 
 Own Your Own Home 
 
 The Young Immugrunts 
 
• ^•^ 
 
 WHEN a man has got a legal wife and 4 
 and no/100 children vhat does he care 
 If he b 35 or double that amt. BesideB which 
 thej claim that 35 is about the average of all 
 grown npB in the world. If I was bom above 
 the average would Z keep it a Bwrett Don't 
 be silly. 
 
Symptoms of Being 35 
 
 By 
 RING W. LARDNER 
 
 ■EUSOUBTTaB ax 
 
 HELEN E. JACOBY 
 
 n 
 
 INDIANAPOLIS 
 
 THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
Copyright 1921 
 The Crowell Publishing Company 
 
 Copyright 1921 
 The Bobbs-Merrill Company 
 
 943091 
 
 Printed <n tju VnUed Statei of A.meriea 
 
 ■RMJNWORTH A OO. 
 
 BOOK MANUFAOTURERB 
 
 BROOKLYN, N. V. 
 
ON reaching my dottage I ain't 
 makeing no complaints to the 
 management and I'm willing to 
 accomodate with a few rttles which 
 has enabled me to reach the age of 35 
 annums and which if stuck to faith- 
 ful will bring you the same results. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
Symptoms of Being 35 
 
 The other night one of my friends 
 whose name is Legion got me on the 
 telephone some way another and 
 wanted I should come over and call, 
 but that is all I done the last 3 or 4 
 times I had went over there and it 
 costs a lot of money even in a 4 bit 
 limit. So I said no that I was busy on 
 a book which I had promised my pub- 
 lisher I would write it. 
 
 "What is it about" says Legion. 
 
 So I told him "How it feels to be 
 35." 
 
 "That guy must think you got a 
 good memory" says Legion and hung 
 up on me. 
 
 13 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 Well friends 35 is how young I am 
 no matter how old I look, but I am so 
 use to haveing smart Alex make wise 
 cracks when I tell them my age that 
 it don't have no more effect on me 
 now than the 6 day bicycle race. 
 Only I can't figure why they think I 
 would lie about it like I was trying to 
 pose as a boy chess marvel or some- 
 thing. When a man has got a legal 
 wife and 4 and no one hmidredths 
 children what does he care if he is 35 
 or double that amt. Besides which 
 they claim that 35 is about the aver- 
 age of all the grown ups in the world. 
 If I was above the average would I 
 keep it a secret? Don't be sUly. 
 
 And don't judge a person by their 
 hair gents. Many a man that can re- 
 member the first Ford has got more 
 14 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 foliage on their egg than myself and 
 also I know several ball players in the 
 big league to-day that is anywheres 
 from 5 to 30 yrs. yoimger than the 
 present writer that when the fish ap- 
 plauds them for makeing a 2 handed 
 catch with 1 hand, you wonder why 
 they don't take off their cap. Per- 
 sonly I am not sensitive about my 
 plummage. When my features got to 
 the decision that one of them would 
 half to retract all I done was thank 
 God they picked the forehead and not 
 the chin. The only hardship con- 
 nected with pyorrhea of the scalp is 
 trying to act supprised when the bar- 
 ber says you are looseing your hair. 
 
 But I guess it ain't only the loss of 
 a few ebony ringlets that makes me 
 look senile. It seems like I was over 
 15 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 estimated long before I begin to molt. 
 For inst. I can recall when I was 16 
 and bad a tbateb on my dome like a 
 virtuoso and I used to pal around 
 with a boy who we will call Geo. 
 Dougan because that was bis name 
 and Geo. was going on 21. Well this 
 was in Mies, Mich., in tbe days when 
 tbey sold 6 % beer in vases and for 
 $.20 you could get enough to patrol 
 4th St. serenading true music lovers 
 of the opposing sex. In them bellcyon 
 days 1 of the few things that was vs. 
 the law was selling it to minors and 
 2 or 3 of the retail mchts. around 
 town was pretty strick and time and 
 again I and Geo. would be out shop- 
 ping and go in a store and order 2 
 vats and Dave or Punk or who ever it 
 happened to be would set one up for 
 16 
 
WHEN my feattiT«B got to the decision 
 that one of them vould half to retract 
 all I done was to thank God they picked the 
 forehead and not the chin. The only hardship 
 connected with pyorrhea of the scalp is trying 
 to act Bupprised when the barber says you are 
 looseing your hair. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 me to knock over and then give Geo. 
 a wise cracking smile and ask him 
 would he like a bottle of white pop. 
 Incidentally I had a taste of that 
 lucius ambrosia at a ball game once 
 and if the penalty for selling honest 
 old beer to minors was a $100 fine 
 why 2 to 14 yrs. in a meat grinder 
 would be mUd for a guy that sells 
 white pop on the theory that its a 
 drink. 
 
 Well Geo. would say "Aw come on 
 Dave I am older than him. ' ' But you 
 couldn't fool Dave and the result was 
 that we would half to take our custom 
 down to Pigeon's where everybody 
 that had a dime was the same age and 
 the only minors was the boys that 
 tried to start a charge acct. 
 
 I must hand it to Geo. for one 
 19 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 thing. N"o matter how sore it made 
 him to get turned down he never told 
 them the truth about me. And they 
 wouldn't of believed him if he had of. 
 No more than you birds believe me 
 now. 
 
 But now in regards to this book: 
 When the publisher asked me to write 
 it up I said I didn't see how more 
 than only a few people would be inter- 
 ested because they was only a few 
 that is this old. So he told me that as 
 a matter of fact pretty near every- 
 body in the world that can read is 
 either 35 or a few mos. one way or the 
 other and if I didn't think that was 
 so to go and look it up in a book. So 
 I looked up in the encyclopedia and 
 they was nothing in there like he said 
 but I found out a whole lot of other 
 20 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 things tliat was news to me and may- 
 be the reader don't know them 
 neither so I will write them down. 
 
 In the 1st. place it says that most 
 people dies when they are 1 yr. old 
 and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most fatal- 
 ist. But if they's a 100 thousand peo- 
 ple that can manage to get to be 10 
 yrs. old why then 749 of them is 
 pretty libel to die the next yr. After 
 that the older you get the longer you 
 live up to when you are 59 and then 
 you can just about count on liveing 
 14 and seven-tenths yrs. more. In 
 other wds. if you ain't one of the 749 
 that crokes between 10 and 11 why 
 you are safe till about June of the yr. 
 when you are 73. So a person is a 
 sucker to try and take care of them- 
 self at my age and from now on I 
 21 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 am going to be a loose fish and run 
 wild. 
 
 Out in Benton Harbor, Mich, how- 
 ever, near where I use to live, they 
 have got a sex that calls them^elf s the 
 Holy Terrors or something that 
 claims you live as long as you are 
 good and as soon as you do wrong you 
 die. But I notice that they all wear a 
 beard so as the encyclopedia can't tell 
 if they are 73 or 21. 
 
 Another thing it says in the book is 
 that figures compiled in Norway and 
 Sweden shows the death rate amongst 
 bachelors is a lot more than amongst 
 married men even includeing murder. 
 So anybody that is between II and 73 
 yrs. old and got a wife is practically 
 death proof especially if you are a 
 Swede. 
 
 32 
 
CvUo-.. 
 
 IN the Ist. place most people dies irhen they 
 are 1 yr. old and the 1st. 10 yrs. is the most 
 fatalist. But if they's a 100 thousand people 
 that can manage to get to be 10 yrs. old why 
 then 749 of them is pretty libel to die the next 
 yr. .... So a person is a sucker to try and 
 take care of themself at my age and from now 
 on I am going to be a loose fish and run wild. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 But all that is either here or there. 
 The idear is to tell how it feels to be 
 my age and I may as well get to it. 
 "Well in the 1st. place I am speaking 
 for myself only. I don't know how 
 the other 35 yr. olders feels about it 
 and don't care. Probably the most 
 of them don't feel near as old as the 
 writer. Laughter is supposed to 
 keep a man young but if its forced 
 laughter it works the opp. When a 
 guy is named Ring "W. and is ex- 
 pected to split their sides when ever 
 somebody asks if your middle name is 
 Worm which is an average of 365 
 times per annum over a period of 35 
 annums, why it can't help from tell- 
 ing on you. Or it don't lighten the 
 wgt. of the yrs. none to half to snicker 
 every time they say Ring give me a 
 25 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 ring or Ring why ain't you a ring 
 master in Ringling Bros. And yet a 
 number of birds has asked me if that 
 was my real name or did I assume it. 
 They would probably ask the kaiser 
 if he moved to Holland to be near the 
 tulips. 
 
 I suppose that on the morning of 
 their 21st. birthday the right kind of a 
 American citizen wakes up full of ex- 
 citement and says to themself "Now 
 I am of age and can vote and every- 
 thing. ' ' And when they come to what 
 I often call the 35th. mile stone they 
 are even more smoked up with the~ 
 thought that now they are eligible to 
 be President and go around all day 
 stoop shouldered with the new re- 
 sponsibility. 
 
 Well I don't recall how I woke up 
 26 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 the day I was 21 if at all but my last 
 birthday is still green and sour in iny 
 memory. I spent the most of it in 
 Mineola signing mortgages and if I 
 thought of the White House it was 
 just to wonder if it would do any good 
 to write and tell President Wilson 
 about the Long Island R. R. 
 
 At the present writeing I have got 
 so use to being 35 that I don't know if 
 it feels any different from 34 or 33. 
 But I can at lease state that being 35 
 don't feel nothing like being under 
 30. For inst. when the telephone 
 rings now days I am scared to death 
 that its somebody asking us to go 
 somewheres for dinner or sonje- 
 wheres. Six yrs. ago I was afraid it 
 wasn't. At 29 home was like they say 
 on the vaudeville stage, a place to go 
 27 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 when all the other joints was closed 
 up. At 35 its a place you never leave 
 without a loud squawk. 
 
 A man don't appreciate their home 
 till you are up around par for 9 holes. 
 Under 30 you think of it as a dump 
 where you can't pick out what you 
 want to eat like roast Vt. turkey or a 
 filet mignon or some of that prune 
 fed muskrat a la Biltmore. If Kath- 
 leen decides in the a. m. that you are 
 going to crave spare ribs at night why 
 you can either crave spare ribs at 
 night or put on a hunger strike that 
 won't get you no more sympathy than 
 the hiccups. 
 
 In them ribald days home is just a 
 
 kind of a pest where you half to choke 
 
 down breakfast or they will think 
 
 something ails you and talk about 
 
 28 
 
WHEN the telephone rings now days I am 
 scared to death that its somebody ask- 
 ing us to go somewheres for dinner or some- 
 wheres. Six yis. ago I was afraid it wasn't. 
 At 29 home was like they say on the vaudeTille 
 stage, a place to go when all the other joints 
 was closed up. At 35 its a place you never 
 leave without a loud squawk. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 sending for a Dr. And 1 or 2 eve- 
 nings per wk. wlien you can't thinly 
 of no reason to go out, its where you 
 lialf to set around and wait for 9 
 o'clock so as you begin to talk about 
 going to bed and sometimes things 
 gets so desperate that you half to read 
 a book or something. 
 
 But at 35 you spell it with a big H. 
 Its where you can take off your shoes. 
 Its where you can have more soup. 
 Its where you don't half to say noth- 
 ing when they's nothing to say. Its 
 where they don't wait tUl the meal is 
 all over and then give you a eye drop- 
 per full of coffee raw. Its where you 
 don't half to listen. Its where they 
 don't smear everything with cheese 
 dressing. Its where you can pan 
 everybody without it goiiig no fur- 
 31 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 ther. Its wliere they know you like 
 doughnuts and what you think about 
 a banana. 
 
 When you was 29 you didn't care 
 for the band to play Home sweet 
 Home. It was old stuff and a rotten 
 tune any way. Now you hope they 
 won't play it neither. Its a pretty 
 tune but it makes you bust out crying. 
 
 Bud Kelland that lives over to Port 
 Washington wrote a piece for a 
 magazine a wile ago where he said in 
 it that it kind of shocked him to find 
 out that young people didn't act like 
 he was one of them no more. Well he 
 ain't but it took the old gaffer a long 
 time to find it out. Here he is pretty 
 near 39 and I guess the old Methuse- 
 lum wants folks to hide I Mary Mac 
 Lane wJien he comes ia the rm. 
 32 
 
BUT at 35 you spell Home with a big H. 
 Its where you can take off your shoes. 
 
 Its where you can have more soup Its 
 
 where you don't haU to listen. ... Its where 
 you can pan everybody without it going no 
 further. .... Its where they know you like 
 doughnuts and what yon think about a banana. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 Well it was 5 or 6 yrs. ago when I 
 realized that I was past my nonages 
 as they say. It come to me all of a 
 sudden that the only compliments I 
 had for a long wile was what a pretty 
 tie yon got or something. Nothing 
 about my natural charms no more. It 
 was an egg's age since anybody had 
 called me to 1 side and whispered "I 
 got a T. L. for you. Gertie thinks 
 your ears is inmiense." 
 
 I seen then that I wasn't no longer 
 a larva and I guess maybe it hurt at 
 first! But its like falling hair or the 
 telephone service or anything else. 
 When you have lived with it a wile 
 you don't mind. Which is just as 
 well because they ain't a wk. passes 
 when you wouldn't get touched on the 
 raw if they was any raw left. 
 35 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 Like for inst. a few wks. back I was 
 up in Boston where I got a young and 
 beautiful sister in law. When it come 
 time to part from she and her hus- 
 band she kissed me 6 times which was 
 suppose to be once for me and once 
 apiece for the Mrs. and 4 kiddies. 
 Well I thought it was pretty nice and 
 got kind of excited about it till I 
 looked at her husband to see how he 
 took it. He took it without batting an 
 eye. To him it was like as if she was 
 kissing an old cab horse on a bet for 
 the benefit of the Red Cross. And 
 when I had left and they was alone 
 together, instead of lepping at her 
 throat with a terrible curse he .prob- 
 ably says " Janey, you're a good game 
 gal," and she give him a kiss that 
 meant something. 
 36 
 
A FEW wk8. back I was up m Boston where 
 I got a young and beautiful sister in law. 
 When it eome time to part from she and her 
 husband she kissed me 6 times which was sup- 
 pose to be once for me and once apiece for the 
 Mrs. and 4 kiddies. Well I thought it was 
 pretty nice and got kind of excited about it till 
 I looked at her husband to see how he took it. 
 He took it without batting an eye. To liim it 
 was like kissing an old cab horse on a bet for 
 the benefit of the Bed Cross. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 Now an incidence like this would of 
 spoilt my whole trip if I didn't look 
 at it in a sensible way which is to say 
 to yourself, "Well if I wasn't in the 
 Sears and yellow I wouldn't of got 
 them 6 kisses. And 6 kisses is i/^ a 
 dozen kisses in any language." 
 
 Or for inst. out on the golf course. 
 Suppose I and Grant Rice is playing 
 with some young whipper snapper 
 like say Jack Wheeler and they's 
 only 1 caddy for the 3 of us. "Take 
 them two" says Jack pointing to my 
 and Grant's bags but the caddy has 
 all ready took them any way as soon 
 as he found out which ones belonged 
 to which. Or when one of my young 
 brother in laws is around the house 
 and I come in the rm. and they are 
 setting in the easy chair, why they 
 39 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 jump up like food shot from guns and 
 say "Here take this chair." 
 
 All and all when you get hardened 
 to it they's many advantages in 
 reaching your dottage. When they's 
 7 passengers for a 7 passenger car its 
 never you that has to take one of them 
 little torture seats. When your 
 brother in law is here on a visit and 
 the Mrs. thinks it would be nice to 
 have a fire in the fire place, you ain't 
 the one that has got to ruin Ms 
 clothes. Yes friends the benefits is 
 many fold but if them Yz dozen kisses 
 and a few stray others pretty near as 
 good was all, why you could still 
 think to yourself Youth may get good 
 service, but 35 ain't makeing no com- 
 plaints to the management neither. 
 
 As for the gen. symptoms of 35 and 
 40 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 vicinity as I have found tliem and not 
 speaking for nobody only myself you 
 understand, the following points may 
 interest science : 
 
 1. The patient sometimes finds 
 himself and one lady the only people 
 left at the table and all the others is 
 danceing. They seems to be nothing 
 for it but to get up and dance. You 
 start and the music stops and the 
 young buddies on the fir. claps their 
 hands for a encore. The patient 
 claps his hands too but not very loud 
 and he hopes to high heaven the 
 leader will take it in a jokeing way. 
 
 2. For some reason another its 
 necessary to find some old papers and 
 in going through the trunk the pa- 
 tient runs acrost a bunch of souvenirs 
 and keep sakes like a note a gal wrote 
 
 ^1 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 him in higli school, a picture of him- 
 self in a dirty football suit, a program 
 of the 1907 May festival in South 
 Bend and etc. "Why keep this 
 junk" he says and dumps them all in 
 the waste basket. 
 
 3. The case develops nausea in the 
 presents of all story tellers except 
 maybe Irvin Cobb and RUey Wilson 
 and Bert Williams, Any others has 
 to work pretty fast to get him cor- 
 nered. Violent chills attends the 
 sound of those saddest wds. of tongue 
 or pen "I don't Tjnow if you heard 
 this one or not but it struck me funny. 
 It seems they was a woman went in a 
 drygoods store in Detroit to buy some 
 towels. Stop me if you heard it 
 before." You couldn't stop them 
 with big Bertha. The best funny 
 42 
 
•'»«Wtf 
 
 THE ease develops nausea in the presents of 
 all story tellers except maybe I;vin Cobb 
 and EUey Wilson and Bert Williams. Any 
 others has to work pretty fast to get him 
 cornered. .... The best funny atoiys is Bal- 
 zac 's because they are in & book and you don't 
 half to buy it. But when you get up vs. one 
 of these here voluntary stag entertainers yon 
 either got to listen and laugh or they put yoa 
 down as a dumb bell. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 storys is Balzac's because they are 
 in a book and you don't half to buy it. 
 But when you get up vs. one of these 
 here voluntary stag entertainers you 
 either got to listen and laugh or they 
 put you down as a dumb beU. 
 
 4. The invalid goes to a ball game 
 and along comes the last % of the 
 14th. innings and the score is 1 and 1 
 and the 1st. guy up makes a base hit. 
 The patient happens to look at his 
 watch and it says 11 minutes to 6 and 
 if he leaves the park right away he 
 can make the 6:27 home where as if 
 he waits a few min. he will half to 
 take the 6 :54. Without no hesitation 
 he leaves the park right away and 
 makes the 6 :27. 
 
 5. The subject is woke up at 3 
 A. M. by the fire whistle. He sniffles 
 
 45 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 but can't smell no smoke. He thinks 
 well it ain't our house and goes back 
 to sleep. 
 
 6. He sets down after breakfast to 
 read the paper. The mail man comes 
 and brings him 3 letters. One of 
 them looks like it was a gal's write- 
 ing. He reads the paper. 
 
 7. He buys a magazine in April 
 and reads the first instalment of a 
 misery serial. The instalment winds 
 up with the servants finding their 
 master's body in bed and his head in 
 the ash tray. Everything pts. to the 
 young wife. Our patient forgets to 
 buy the May number. 
 
 8. Somebody calls up and says 
 they are giyeing a party Thursday 
 night for Mabel Normand and can 
 you come. Our hero says he is sorry 
 
 46 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 but he will be in Washington on busi- 
 ness. He hasn't no more business in 
 Washington than Gov. Cox. 
 
 9. They's a show in town that you 
 got to see like Frank Graven or 
 "Mecca." "It's a dandy night" 
 says the Mrs. "Shall we drive in or 
 take the train?" "We will take the 
 train" says our hero. 
 
 These is a few of the symptoms as I 
 have observed them and as I say I am 
 speaking for just myself and maybe 
 I am a peculiar case. They may not 
 be another 35 yr. older in the world 
 that is affected the same way and in 
 fact I know several suffers about that 
 age which I am as different than as 
 day and night. Take Jess WUlard 
 for inst. He was somewheres around 
 35 in July 1919 and • Dempsey 
 47 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 knocked him down 7 times in one rd. 
 He wouldn't do that to me, not 7 
 times he wouldn't. Or look at Ty 
 Cobb. Do you think they would get 
 me to play center field and manage a 
 ball club for $30,000? Or would Jim 
 •Thorpe's brother in law look on him 
 as too frail to hobble down in the 
 basement and get a few sticks of 
 wood? 
 
 On the other hand they might be 2 
 or 3 brother eagles in the mediocer 
 30s that is even more mildewed than 
 me, but I am afraid they's a whole lot 
 more of them feels like a colt They 
 take care of themselfs. ^When they 
 get up in the A, m. they take a cold 
 plunge and then hang by their eye 
 teeth on a hook in the closet while 
 they count 50 in Squinch. And noons 
 48 
 
«■»# 
 
 lEN they get up in the A. M. thej take 
 a cold plunge and then hang by their eye 
 teeth on a hook in the doaet while they count 
 60 in Squineh. ... I can't compete with these 
 babies. I slice a few golf balls in season but 
 bet. Nov. and May the only exepciss I get or 
 want to get is. twice a wk. when I take the but- 
 tons out of shirt A, and stick them in shirt B. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 when they come back from their 
 lunch of hot milk and ferns, they roll 
 over on the office rug 10 times with- 
 out bending their shiaTI 
 
 I can't compete with these babies. 
 I slice a few golf balls in season but 
 bet, Nov.' and May the only exercise I 
 get or want to get is twice a wk. when 
 I take the buttons out of shirt A and 
 stick them in shirt B. 
 
 They's still another crowd yet that 
 renews their youth by going back 
 every yr. to commencement or a class 
 reunion or something. Well I don't 
 know if I want to renew my youth or 
 not. Leave bad enough alone is my 
 slogum. And in the 2d, place I don't 
 half to go nowheres to a class reunion. 
 I could hold it in the bath tub. I was 
 the only one that graduated when I 
 did as it was in March of my f resh- 
 51 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 man yr. and they didn't seem to be 
 haveing no commencement exercises 
 for nobody else. I guess I must have 
 been one of these here infantile pro- 
 teges like that 11 mos. old junior they 
 got up to Columbia. 
 
 No book of this kind would be 
 complete without shooting a few wds. 
 of imwanted advice at my youngers 
 and betters. For inst. John D. tells 
 the boys how to buUd up a fortune 
 and John Jones tells them how to rise 
 from a white wings to a steeple jack. 
 So it looks like it was up to me to tell 
 them how to get to be what I am, 35 
 yrs. old. 
 
 Well my lads they's 4 rules that I 
 made and have stuck to them and I 
 think you will find they'll bring you 
 the same results. The 1st. rule is 
 don't die the 1st. yr. The 2d. rule is 
 52 
 
SYMPTOMS OF BEING 35 
 
 don't be one of the 749 that dies when 
 they are 11. The 3d rule is don't pick 
 a quarrel with a man like Dempsey. 
 And the 4th. and last rule is marry a 
 girl like Sue. 
 
 In explanations of that last rule I 
 will say that the one I married ain't 
 Sue but the name don't make no dif- 
 f erents if she is the right kind of a 
 gal. And the reason I say that is 
 because its customary in these inti- 
 mate capital I talks to throw in a 
 paragraph of blurb about the little 
 woman. What ever success a man 
 has had he has got to pretend he 
 owes it to Her. So if they 's any glory 
 to be gleaned out of my success in 
 reaching 35 and looking even older 
 why she can have it. 
 
 The End