m CCASIONS \RGARET E.SANGSTER LIBRARY OF THE NEW YORK STATE COLLEGE OF HOME ECONOMICS CORNELL UNIVERSITY ITHACA, NEW YORK Gift of v.- ' David A. Howe Public Library Wellsville, N.Y. _ Cornell University Library BJ 1853.S22 Good manners for all occasions, Including 3 1924 014 059 103 The original of tiiis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/cletails/cu31924014059103 @ooU tnanners a« ntatre up of pett^ eacrtCtcesi* -EMERSON. Good Manners FOR ALL OCCASIONS INCLUDING ETIQUETTE OF CARDS, WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENTS AND INVITATIONS BY MARGARET E. SANGSTER NEW YORK CUPPLES & LEON COMPANY PUBLISHERS CopTrigrht, 1904, by Louis Klopso Copyright, 1910, by COPPLES & Leon CompanV (3as Vlfam to Kmva 3b to Klmvc» attlt ^ave, Mts. Hums l&lapatii. ( ? < ^^ — - — 9 Qmntte muett aoont bnomletisf^ anti emootl} its im^ tlirous^ t|ie toorlti. Hifee a great cous^ Dta^ tnonD, it mws Do ter^ indl in a doett b^ ina)? of curtofiitt^, anD alsio for its inttinek balue ; but tt Inill neber bt iDorn, nor $bto^« ^ tt t^ not poIt0l^eD* -CHESTERFIELD. ( > £ J~ ^ FOREWORD A BOOK is the better for a preface, just as a house is the finer for a porch. People sometimes tell me they omit reading an author's preface. How can they be so rude? They might as well omit a bow when introduced to a new acquaintance. I make a point of reading the prefaces written by other people, and, Gentle Reader, I am sure you will read mine. This book is a plain-spoken treatise or talk on the ways in vogue in good society, the society to which you and I belong. It is a friendly book, and it will fit into any hour of leisure a busy woman may happen to have. A busy man may find some- thing in it for him, too, if he take the trouble to look. Like little Jack Homer, you may put in your thumb and pull out a plum anywhere in this particular pie. Some books are offended if you do not approach them with grave looks, and give them your close attention. They turn a cold shoulder on you if you viii Foreword lose your place. They demand that you give your- self up to them wholly. Other books do not mind if you run into their shelter when you can, and stay Tintil somebody calls you from upstairs, "Mother, mother, hurry here, please," or from downstairs, "Please come soon, dearest; the syrup has boiled over in the oven!" This is that sort of book. It has a message for you, and you may listen and consider, and maybe learn a little lesson or two by heart, precisely when it is most convenient to yourself. Some books are out of place except on the stateliest shelf in the library. Some books are proud and haughty and not satisfied except on the parlor table. Other books like to stay where you stay, and slip down beside you while you sew, or lie near you on a stand in the sitting room, among the flowers and the homely fumittire, and near the baby's cradle. This is that sort of book, too; it hopes to be your daily companion and friendly adviser, whispering just what to do, and how and when to do whatever is to be done, at the fireside, on the journey, and among the neighbors. The accepted etiquette of courtship and marriage is treated here, so the book is for the lover and the girl he loves, for the wife and the husband who Foreword ix cherishes her fondly, having gained his heart's desire. The etiquette of entertainment, of social inter- course, of correspondence, and of happy living is carefully outlined, and is derived not from hasty impressions but from the highest authorities in Europe and America. Here, too, is a chapter touching reverently mourning customs, funerals, and the behavior appropriate in hours of sadness and in the shadow of affliction. No mention is made in this book of the etiquette of certain forms of amusement about which many good people are divided in opinion. Dancing and card-playing and theater-going are approved by some and condemned by others, and whether or not one may engage in them is a question to be settled by the individual conscience. As the greater number of those who will read this book find other recreations sufficient for their hours of leistire, and as they do not necessarily enter into the domain of good manners, nor practically affect the daily life of our homes, these particular amusements are omitted in this volume. Let me add that no allusion is made in this volume to wine at the table, or to any form of hospitality X Foreword which is even remotely allied to the custom of mod- erate drinking. In the view of those to whom this book is offered, total abstinence is safe and inebriety a sin. alcoholic beverages being permissible only and strictly when ordered as medicine by reputable physicians. To a host of friends, dearly beloved, far and near, I commend this book, sent to each with a personal greeting, and good wishes for all the year round. Margaret E. Sangster. TABLE OF CONTENTS CHAPTER I PAGE A Bit of Talk about Politeness. — Manner and manners — Table manners — Table etiquette — Manners may change — The basis of good form — A complaint box i CHAPTER II Children and Manners. — Little courtesies — Children and hired help — The children and the school — The children's money— The old and the young — Children and guests — Good manners in the church — Some other hints ii CHAPTER III Good Manners when Traveling. — Getting ready for the road — "^ Anticipate, do not forebode — On packing a trunk — ^What to do in a sleeper — Traveling by sea— A few useful don'ts — Standard time — Who pays a lady's fare? — About seats in cars — ^A minor infliction — Stopping at a hotel — Hotel eti- quette for women — Some rules of the road 23 CHAPTER IV Good Manners in Correspondence. — The typewriter — ^A good letter — Forms of salutation and conclusion — The signature — When in mourning — Sealing, stamping, and directing let- ters — Letters of introduction — Invitations and announce- ments — Letters of condolence — Acknowledging letters of condolence — Children's letters — Hints to young girls ... 46 Correct forms of Correspondence 571 CHAPTER V Concerning Introductions and Other Social Forms. — Riding, its etiquette— Driving, its secrets — Walking, its pleasures — Entering a carriage — About paying a visit for the first time — It all depends on the place — Tips to the maids — Monopolizing the talk— By way of a summary— Salutations 58 xii Contents CHAPTER VI PAGE Concerning Courtship. — Chaperonage — Friends merely — Mis- construes ordinary attentions — On the other hand — The moods of girls — ^Whom to marry — The question of finance — Opposition of relatives — December courts May — The mar- riage of convenience — "My face is my fortune" — Compati- bility — An engaged pair — Etiquette of the man's people — A broken engagement — Useful maxims for married and single — In case of the fair one's refusal — In the matter of a proposal — Should a lady ever break her engagement — If a man asks release 75 CHAPTER VII Good Manners and Marriage. — The groom's wardrobe — ^The bride's trousseau — The family — Etiquette between husbands and wives — The wife's duty — The husband's duty — ^The wedding ring — The bride's bouquet — Wedding cake — The wedding gown — The bridegroom's gift to the bride — The wedding journey — The home-coming — Shall the bride say "obey"? — Each sex the complement of the other — Wedding presents — Wedding cards — A country wedding — A home wedding — ^The marriage license — As to the marriage certifi- cate — The two mothers — ^A church wedding — A list of wed- ding anniversaries 113 CHAPTER VIII Good Manners in the Family. — Some pleasant games — The traveler's tour — Crambo — Conversation in the family — Other little points of family manners — Home-comings — In the in- valid's chamber — A shut-in — If the hired help are ill — Good manners between parlor and kitchen — Some suggestions about dress — Colors that contrast and harmonize — A boy's dress — Hints to women 138 CHAPTER IX Good Manners in Hospitality (Receptions, Luncheons, Etc.). — The guest chamber — Good manners for the guest — Children at the table — Receptions irj Contents xiii CHAPTER X PAGE Good Manners in Entertaining. — Setting a table — The proces- sion to dinner — The table talk — Incumbent on dinner guests — The table linen — A little dinner — A ladies' luncheon — A club luncheon — Rules of table etiquette for everyone .... 167 CHAPTER XI Good Mamners at Breakfast. — Good manners and the morning toilette — Good manners at dinner— Grace at a meal — Desserts for every day — A word to the carver 180 CHAPTER XII The Etiquette of the Visiting Card. — Size of card — Etiquette at calls — Social calls for men — Cabalistic letters — Engaged, or not at home — New Year's calls — How soon must one return a first call? — Calls and calling igi CHAPTER XIII Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette. — Cremation or burial — Funerals — Funeral music — Sunday funerals — Flow- ers at a funeral — Gloves — The dress of pallbearers — Crape on the door — Mingling with the world again — Useful sugges- tions — Servants' mourning 204 CHAPTER XIV Good Manners in Church and Other Public Places.— George Washington's rules of conduct — Other public places — How to behave in a library— How to behave in a museum— In the zoological garden — Good manners in a crowd — Good man- ners in hotels— Shopping— Street etiquette 221 CHAPTER XV Good Manners in Conversation.— Common errors— Etiquette of conversation 231 CHAPTER XVI Correct Manners for Men. — The etiquette of the capital- Correct dress for men— The bachelor as a host .... 240 xiv Contents CHAPTER XVII PAGE More about Children's Etiquette. — Shall we g^ive a children's party?— Christmas— The Christmas tree — The Sunday school festival — ^A Christmas basket — Good manners in charity — Gifts to missions and church work — Entertainment for chil- dren — Two or three games 251 CHAPTER XVIII Good Manners in Business Relations.— The attitude of the young woman in business to the men around her — Good manners elsewhere 264 CHAPTER XIX Good Manners when All by Ourselves. — Husband and wife — Courtesy to the aged 268 CHAPTER XX Here and There along the Way. — The debutante — The daughter of the house — A christening — Fashions in names — To recapitulate — Remember, we pass this way but once . . 274 CHAPTER XXI When Homes Are Transplanted. — ^Who shall make the first call? — Etiquette for the pastor's wife— The first call in a new place 283 CHAPTER XXII Suitable Dress for All Ages and Conditions. — Dress for school girls — The care of clothes — To protect gloves and shoes — The predatory moth— Fine laces — Jewelry— Everyday dress for busy women — Rainy-day dress — Fans and parasols — Dress for elderly ladies — A lady of the olden time — The old woman in society — Homespun and satin — A common blun- der — Sincerity 287 CHAPTER XXIII Reciprocity in Manners 310 Contents xv CHAPTER XXIV PAGE Women of Affairs 313 \ CHAPTER XXV Outdoor Games 317 CHAPTER XXVI Odds and Ends. — The painfully difladent „ 323 CHAPTER XXVI! Christmas and Other Anniversaries. — New| Year — Lent — Easter — Pourtli of July — Hallowe'en — Thanksgiving , . . 330 CHAPTER XXVIII Manners in Different Periods of History. — A quotation from Jane Austen — Nineteenth Century good society — ^Women the dictators— Woman or lady? 339 CHAPTER XXIX Just Among Ourselves. — A chapter for nervous people — Early rising — Wasting time 349 CHAPTER XXX Tricks and Gestures. — Handshaking 356 CHAPTER XXXI Manners in a Country Home 360 CHAPTER XXXII Other Civilizations 364 CHAPTER XXXIII The Queen of the Home. — The treatment of servants — Living at ease 368 ILLUSTRATIONS Mrs. Sanoster at Home Frontispiece Afternoon Tea Faxjingpage 176 Children's Party " " 256 Christmas Tree " " 256 Cutting the Cake " " 80 DinnerTable " " 176 Guest Chamber , " " »6o Library " " 160 Music Lessons " " 16 Preparing for the Wedding " " 80 Ray of Sunshine for the Old Folks " " 16 Wedding Breakfast. " " 136 WeddingMarch " ** IIS Good Manners for All Occasions I A BIT OF TALK ABOUT POLITENESS One hears good people speak of politeness with a certain contempt, as if it did not matter in the least whether one's manners were fine, if only one's morals were irreproachable. "His heart is all right, but he is a diamond in the' rough," I heard a friend say of another. It was well that the first statement could honestly be made, but a pity that the second had to be added. For there can be few greater misfortunes on the journey of life than to have either bad manners, rude manners, or no manners at all. The very word "politeness" carries with it a hidden meaning of elegance, and of the ease that is acquired by mingling with one's fellows ; for it springs from the Latin polio, "I smooth," and smoothness is gained, not by seclusion, but by the attrition of the city, by the reci- procity that needs must be exercised where people meet one another often, and there must be mutual concessions, that there may be peace and agreeable living together. A rough diamond is valuable, of course, but its value is greatly in- creased when the tool of a cunning workman has brought out its beautiful possibilities, shown the immortal fire under the shinmg surface, and made every point a star. Men who have been obliged to dwell apart, to delve in mines, or cut the first 2 Good Manners for All Occasionb roads round steep mountains, or live in the loneliness of lumber camps away from women, sometimes grow rough and curt, or, it may even be, boorish. And this is a very great calamity. Still, if early training is careful, and children learn to practice politeness in the home, the habit is apt to stick, let future circumstances be happy or the reverse. A man need not be discourteous because he has little chance to indulge in the gracious and graceful amenities of life. If, as a small child, good manners were so taught him that they became a part of his very nature he will never forget them. Men and women in the intercourse of the family and in good society are expected to be kind, gentle, well-bred, and obliging. By good society I do not mean fashionable society. It happens that the very rudest people I ever met belonged to a very exclusive circle in what is called the "smart set" of a cosmopolitan American city. The ladies and gentlemen to whom I refer were away from home attending an exposition in a Southern State. They had been most hospitably enter- tained and most kindly welcomed, but their air of detachment, of pride, of indifference to those around them, might have befitted folk of the baser sort who had never had a chance to learn propriety, but were glaringly out of place in people who had enjoyed every advantage that wealth, travel, and culture could bestow. On the other hand, I have seen a man in a leather apron, with hands calloused by labor, and clothing patched and faded, whose manners would have been admired in a court. One seldom encounters gross rudeness among poor and hard-work- ing people. They may not know all about the frills and frip- peries and furbelows of conventional and ceremonious polite- ness, but they are polite to the core, with the politeness that gives the best and warmest chair in the chimney corner to A Bit of Talk about Politeness 3 the old and feeble grandparent, that offers a seat at once in the street car to the laundress with her basket, or the mother with her baby, and that puts itself out to show a stranger the way, or relieve a woman of a heavy bag or awkward bundle. This is conspicuous in America, where it has always been our boast that our women are worshiped, that women may travel in perfect safety between the Atlantic and the Pacific, and that our streets, in our great towns, are as safe at midnight as at noon, for any woman, young or old, whose duties compel her to be abroad after dark without an escort. The immense ingress upon our shores of foreign peoples with ideals different from ours has somewhat modified our universal gallantry, yet we are glad to observe that in the assimilating processes of the republic the most ignorant peas- antry acquire our ideas, while there is no excuse whatever for our absorbing theirs. Mrs. Cynthia Westover Alden, writing on this theme, says pithily in a talk to business women: "Cultivate the manners of good society. I do not refer to society with a big S ; that is another thing. The manners of the best people in Oshkosh, or Spring Valley, or Cripple Creek are good enough." MANNER AND MANNERS A subtle distinction exists between manner and manners. The first is often inherited ; it is made up of innumerable little peculiarities that belong to the race and the family. In Ellen Glasgow's wonderful romance, The Deliverance, she in- troduces as her hero a man well-born and of aristocratic traditions, but illiterate and unversed in the elegant ways that had been the natural expression of character in his family for generations. Christopher is a day laborer on the soil that was bnce his, and that has been wrested from him by fraud. Yet, 4 Good Manners for All Occasions though his manners are sometimes flawed by ill temper and discontent, his manner is noble; it is the grand manner of his father. And in the outcome of the splendid story the nobility of nature becomes triumphant. Manner shows what spirit we are of. It is the temper of the steel. Manners have to do with our daily conduct. A man or woman who is familiar with etiquette to the last detail may have an awkward, defiant, or self-conscious manner that is to be regretted, for it will be a fearful handicap upon business success and detract from the enjoyment one may look for in the hours of leisure. Take the common incident of our deportment at the three meals a day which form the rallying places of the family. TABLE MANNERS A man who thrusts his knife into his mouth, or sticks a piece of bread on the point of a fork into the platter of roast meat or fricasseed chicken, may have every virtue in the cal- endar. He may be honest, truthful, chaste, and God-fearing. Yet the fly in the pot of ointment spoils the sweetness of the whole. He offends the accepted canons of present-day good taste by eating with his knife. In a very old lady or gentleman this lapse is somewhat ex- cusable, for the reason that two generations ago it was cus- tomary thus to use the broad of the knife. When three-tined steel forks were seen everywhere people had to eat peas, for example, with something else, and therefore a man migjit take his knife, if he did not wish to use his teaspoon for the purpose. Silver forks are now in all homes, and they are to be used for eating. You violate good table manners if you ignore this. When I was a wee little maid I studied natural philosophy in a book writtea by an author named Swift. It was in the A Bit of Talk about Politeness 5 form of questions and answers, and the children committed the answers to memory. One of them was, "Why do you pour your tea out of your cup into your saucer to cool it?" The answer was, "That a larger surface may be exposed to the air at one time than is possible when the tea remains in the cup." In these days it is a shocking thing to pour one's coffee or tea out of one's cup into one's saucer, but you may easily see that there was a day when it was the proper thing to do. TABLE ETIQUETH: Set yourself in an upright position — not too close to nor yet too far from the table. Take your napkin, partially unfold it, and lay it across your lap. It is not the correct thing to fasten it to your buttonhole or spread it over your breast. Do not trifle with your knife or fork, or drum on the table, or fidget in any way, while waiting to be served. Keep your hands quietly in your lap, your mind composed and pleasantly fixed upon the conversation. Let all your movements be easy and deliberate. Undue haste indicates a nervous lack of ease. Should grace be said, you will give the most reverent attention in respectful silence during the ceremony. Exhibit no impatience to be served. During the intervals between the courses is your opportunity for displaying your conversational abilities to those sitting near you. Pleasant chat and witty remarks compose the best possible sauce to a good dinner. Eat slowly ; it will contribute to your good health as well as your good manners. Thorough mastication of your food is necessary to digestion. An ordinary meal should occupy from thirty minutes to an hour. 6 Good Manners for All Occasions You may not desire the soup, which is usually the first course, but you should not refuse to take it. You can eat as much or as little as you please, but you would look awk- ward sitting with nothing before you while the others are eating. When eating soup take it from the side of the spoon, and avoid making any noise in so doing. Should you be asked by the host- what part of the fowl you prefer, always have a choice, and mention promptly which you prefer. Nothing is more annoying than to have to serve two or three people who have no preferences and will take "anything." Never place waste matter on the tablecloth. The side of your plate, or perhaps your bread and butter plate, will answer as a receptacle for bones, potato skins, etc. You will use your fork to convey all your food to your mouth, except it may be certain sauces that would be more conveniently eaten with a spoon. For instance, you should not attempt to eat peas with any except a silver fork. If there is none, use a spoon. The knife is used only for cutting meat and other articles of food, for spreading butter on bread, etc. Here is a summary of blunders to avoid : Do not eat fast. Do not make noise with mouth or throat. Do not fill the mouth too full. Do not open the mouth in masticating. Do not leave the table with food in your mouth. Be careful to avoid soiling the cloth. Never carry any part of the food with you from the table. Never apologize to a waitress for making trouble ; it is her business to serve you. It is proper, however, to treat her with A Bit of Talk about Politeness 7 courtesy, and say, "No, I thank you," or "If you please," in answer to her inquiries. Do not introduce disgusting or unpleasant topics of con- versation. Do not pick your teeth or put your finger in your mouth at the table. Do not come to table in your shirt sleeves, or with soiled hands or tousled hair. Do not cut your bread ; break it. Do not refuse to take the last piece of bread or cake; it looks as though you imagined there might be no more. Do not express a preference for any part of a dish unless asked to do so. MANNERS MAY CHANGE The first time I ever walked out with a young gentleman alone was on a June afternoon when I was eighteen. The friend was staying at our house, and I was to show him, as he was a stranger, the way to the Brooklyn Navy Yard, which he wished to visit. He turned to me as we reached the sidewalk, saying politely, "Take my arm." I declined, and my com- panion was quite obviously annoyed. In that period a gen- tleman considered himself derelict in good manners if he did not offer a woman hts arm. Very old-fashioned and cere- monious gentlemen well on toward their eighties offer the arm still, and if their wives are old it is proper for them to walk with their husbands arm in arm. Husbands and wives may al- ways do this if they choose. Some of the early English novelists speak of love-making as of "hooking arms." But now nobody thinks of taking a man's arm unless she is blind, or crippled, or infirm, or possibly she is with him in a vast and turbulent crowd where she needs it for protection. Times and manners change. The old-school manner was 8 Good Manners for All Occasions courtly and fine, and where one possesses it we admire it still. Yet for practical purposes in our hurrying age, we would bet- ter acquire the very best manners of the day in which we live. The thing of chief importance is that we are not to under- rate good manners. The finest accomplishment we can gain is true courtesy; and good manners that are most to be desired are not elaborate, but are simple, natural, and sincere. King Edward Seventh of England may be cited as an ex- ample of perfect good breeding. His manners are tinged with kindliness; they are unaffected and gracious. The lamented President McKinley was a man whose manners endeared him to everyone, who conciliated where others antagonized, and who never failed in the knightliness of the true gentleman. Living, he was a model to the whole nation ; dying, he forgot no courtesy. He spoke a word of caution and care in behalf of the poor foolish fellow who assassinated him; he tenderly remembered the dear wife who was always, in her patient invalidism, his first thought, and he regretted that the untimely deed that murdered him threw a gloom over the festivities of the great Fair at Buffalo. THE BASIS OF GOOD FORM Underlying politeness is consideration for others. Conven- tional rules are not arbitrary. They have grown up, imper- ceptibly, little by little, during hundreds of years, just as the common law which obtains in our courts has grown. Reasons of convenience and comfort are under good form, and it is that the wheels of family and social machinery may run without friction that we have rules for the daily life. Mere deportment may be of little worth. It may be a veneer, easily cracked, soon broken. What we need is that gentle- ness which refuses to wound another's feelings, that thought- A Bit of Talk about Politeness 9 ful love which can take another's place; in short, we need considerateness as the basis of politeness. Thus, at the table, good manners require that people should be pleasant, not glum and morose. A meal taken in silence and hurry, when the first effort of every one is to be fed and get away, is not a meal where the table manners are correct. Equally, wherever people interrupt each other rudely, each trying to take and hold the floor, where there is fault-finding or criticism of the food, table manners are violated. Any fault-finding by anybody, anywhere in the home, for any rea- son, is a distinct attack on the home's tranquillity and a frac- ture of good manners. A COMPLAINT BOX A lady was much disturbed by the tendency of her husband and children to find fault. So she set up a complaint box. The box, labeled duly, was installed in a convenient place, and there everyone who had a complaint to make of the food, the housekeeping, or anything at all, was told to drop in a slip of folded paper. The complaint must be made in writing. If somebody thought that baked beans appeared too often, or that there might be pies and pudding more frequently, he or she could say so. The bread or the butter if not quite up to the mark could be mentioned in the little note of the aggrieved one. On Sundays, after the midday dinner, the complaint box was opened. All complaints were read aloud by the father of the family, and were discussed freely. If they were held to be justified they were passed on to the mother, who promised to set them right in future. If they were not justi- fied the person who made them paid a fine. Fines in the aggregate went to a Fresh Air Fund, to send sick children from town with their mothers into the country. lo Good Manners for All Occasions "Real good form," as Ella Wheeler Wilcox says in Correct Social Usage, "is a happy union of heart-courtesy and graceful outward manner. Neither should be left out. The home is the most important place to display our knowledge of eti- quette, yet often it is there most ignored. The majority of people save their worst manners for the home circle. "Why may not a man find it as easy to open a door and allow his wife to precede him as a stranger? Why may not the wife find it in her heart to show him the tender graces and charming courtesies which she so naturally bestows on the occasional guest? "Why should the father forget to lift his hat when meeting his daughter or wife and remember it when meeting the daughter or wife of his neighbor? And why should the daughter hide her ill temper in her friend's house and display it at home?" These are pertinent questions and reflections. Home is the best field for courtesy. No other field equals it in opportunity. Our own people are those who have on us the strongest claim. We must give them daily of our very best. II CHILDREN AND MANNERS Dr. Oliver Wendell Holmes, asked when the training of a child should begin, replied, "A hundred years before he is born." This is simply a variation of the old adage that it takes three generations to make a gentleman. We can easily read the meaning between the lines here, for Jonathan the First may be supposed to be occupied in laying the foundation of family prosperity, and to have time for little else; Jonathan the Second may enter on an easier inheritance, and Jonathan the Third may be nurtured in the lap of luxury. The children born with golden spoons usually had grandparents born with iron spoons in their mouths. A little iron in the blood is a tremendously good thing. Indeed, to be well-born, in the true sense, is an immense gift and should be prized. Says Cooper : "I do not boast that I derive my birth From loins enthroned or rulers of the earth; But higher yet my proud pretensions rise. The child of parents passed into the skies." An ancestry of pious. God-fearing people is something for which I give thanks every day. On the other hand, family pride that is based only on large estates, famous names, and a glory that is past, while the present bearers of the name are degenerate, is a very foolish thing. It is to such pride as this that Tennyson refers when he says : 12 Good Manners for All Occasions "Lady Qare Vere de Vere From yon blue heavens above us bent, The grand old gardener and his wife Smile at the claims of long descent;" and Robert Burns had it in mind when he uttered his protest: "The rank is but the guinea's stamp, The man's the gowd for a' that." This is by way of impressing the fact that we cannot too early begin to teach children how to behave. I have heard mothers say when small children were indecorous or rude, "O, she is too young to understand;" "He is too little; you must not expect too much from wee tots like Johnny." The contrary is true. You must expect good manners from little Jane and little John, or when they are older their man- ners will be atrocious. As soon as a babe is in the world its education must begin. In the cradle the mother's gentle touch begins to mold the plastic clay. "Wax to receive and marble to retain;" what little ones are early taught remains with them to their latest day. "Bow to mother, Francis," I heard a lady say to her two-year-old son. The son is a grown man now and a model of graceful politeness. If our children are well taught they will not squabble in the nursery. "Let dogs delight to bark and bite. For 'tis their natures to; Let bears and lions growl and fight, For God hath made them so. "But, children, you should never let Your angry passions rise; Your little hands were never made To tear each other's eyes." Children and Manners 13 Very young children may be taught self-restraint, taught to give up to one another, to share fruit and divide candy, to lend books and toys, and to be quiet when there is illness in the house. They may learn to meet friends cordially, with the little hand outstretched. There is no need that they should eat in a slovenly fashion, or be greedy and selfish at the table. Not long ago a baby of three went to a children's party. It was given in honor of another baby of three. The first little person was a personage at home accustomed to having her own undisputed way. So she entered the room like a tem- pest, pushing, pulling, and slapping, so that the babies fled in terror and dismay, hiding their heads in mothers' and nurses' laps. The naughty child was less to blame than the mother who was neglecting her early training. Little boys should rise when ladies enter a room, and stand until ladies are seated. They should pull off their caps to mother if they meet her, and to anyone they know, or anyone who speaks to them on the street. Little girls should also rise and remain standing when older people come into the room where they are. A most important part of children's training comes to them by example. They are imitative beings, and if invariably treated with perfect courtesy they will themselves adopt the manners they see. When one hears children shrieking and screaming, when one notes that their voices are pitched on too high a key, that they interrupt and contradict and argue when they should obey, one may be quite sure that they observe such conduct at home, that it is in the atmosphere they breathe. A sweet, low-voiced mother has sweet, low-voiced children. 114 Good Manners for All Occasions LITTIJE COURTESIES The people who are most heedful about little things are the most agreeable people with whom to live. If we wait for the great opportunities we may have long to wait. Each re- turning day offers us occasions for making people happy. We may send flowers to the neighbor who has no garden, we may write a letter to the lonely lad away from home. We may thread the needles for the lady whose eyes are dim with age, and save steps for the overburdened mother, and all this may be done so tactfully that it will make no stir. "Elizabeth," said a mother of her daughter, "is always doing little things for the rest of us, but so quietly that we often forget to thank her. She is as softly radiant as the moonlight ; when she is absent we are in the dark." CHILDREN AND HIRED HELP Not a great many employers in America keep a large number of domestics. Abroad people of small means often have more servants than those of larger fortune have with us. A butler, a footman, a coachman, a gardener, may of course belong to the man whose house and grounds are large and whose income is generous, but most people in the country get along with one hired man, or with the services of a man who attends to the furnace in winter and the lawn in summer. In fact, the vast majority of men in America see to their own furnaces, and the vast majority of women get along with one maid of all work. Hundreds of thousands do their own work, from necessity or from choice ; and when a lady does this be it noted that she is blissfully independent, and has a tidy house with little waste or breakage, and that when her work is done she is satisfied that it has been well done. Servants with us dislike the name. It seems to them menial, Children and Manners 15 and is opposed to the general conviction that everybody is just as good as everybody else. I have therefore used the term "hired help" in this book. A well-bred child never bullies the help. If he asks Mary to do him a kindness he thanks her in return. If the little daughter of the house ventures into the kitchen on affairs of her own she is polite to Katy or Norah. When the woman who is hired to help, is disagreeable, churlish, and tyrannical to the children of the household she should be dismissed. Even if otherwise satisfactory and altogether competent, a bad tem- per and boorish speech render her unfit to be with children. They have their rights in the home, one of which is to go into the kitchen if they wish to, and to have pleasant relations with the maid. But children should not be suffered to treat a cook, waitress, nurse, or other domestic with any unkindness, or any rudeness. Nor do good maimers allow children to make extra work for a busy woman. They should put away their own outdoor garments. They should wipe their feet and leave mud and dirt outside, and if they make fudge or cookies in the kitchen, they should clear up after their work is done. Where only one person is kept to assist in the housekeeping she cannot shoulder the whole domestic load, and the children should not add to her cares. THE CHILDREN AND THE SCHOOL When an ideal condition of things is reached there will never be friction between the home and the school. A child's most pressing engagement is with his teacher. To be at school in time, to go with well-prepared lessons, and to preserve order so far as he can is a scholar's duty. Good training of children enjoins on parents an obligation in this regard. If children i6 Good Manners for All Occasions bring home complaints against teachers they should be m- vestigated, and no child, especially if shy and sensitive, should be oppressed by an unjust or arbitrary instructor. Yet it is not a good plan at once to sympathize when Molly and Dick come home voluble in protest against Miss C. or Miss B., who probably is doing as well as she can in her circumstancesi For the best development of the child, home and school must work in unison. THE CHILDREN'S MONEY As soon as children are old enough to understand the value of money, they should have a small weekly allowance, suffi- cient to pay for their little needs. This should be regularly given, and they ought not to overdraw it. Debt should be abhorrent to every child. A memorandum book and pencil should accompany the allowance, so that each week the ac- count may be footed up and balanced. As children grow older their allowance should be increased, so that they may purchase their clothing, pay their expenses on little trips and jaunts, and have the wherewithal for charity, Sunday school collec- . tions, etc. If our children are encouraged in systematic giving, of a tenth or some other regular proportion of their incomes, they will grow up liberal and bountiful people, not grudging and churlish. Lending and borrowing by children should usually be frowned upon, as it does not form a good plank in character to borrow or to lend thoughtlessly. THE OLD AND THE YOUNG Frequently a beautiful understanding and sympathy are observed between the aged and the young. Grandparents have a toleration for and patience with the boys and girls that parents lack. Some old people are very genial; there is frost on their heads and sunshine in their souls. But others A RAY OF SUNSHINE FOR THE OLD FOLKS Children and Manners 17 are crabbed and cross. The world has dealt hardly with them. They fret at their infirmities. It irks them that they are no longer in the thick of life's business and battle. The younger men and women have usurped the places where they were once indispensable, and they are unhappy and possibly unrea- sonable. In a household where old people and children reside, the latter should practice courtesy toward the former. I think there is no desolation like that of a lonely old age. And, while there are limits to exaction, good breeding requires that the young should defer to the old. A lack of reverence is a defect of present-day manners, and the sooner we acknowledge and remedy it the better. CHILDREN AND GUESTS If there are guests beneath the roof children in the home ' should do what they can for their pleasure and think it a privilege. A little girl I knew, being compelled when there was a sudden influx of company to surrender her room for the night to one of the guests, instead of yielding graciously, sat on the stairs and howled at the top of her voice for a half hour. Fortunately, the guests supposed she was screaming with the toothache. In my father's house hospitality was the rule, and the home was always elastic enough to accommodate one guest more, if need were. The children were tucked away in any corner, or had beds on the floor, and they never dreamed of objecting if called upon to vacate their particular rooms. It is the es- sence of hospitality to be very glad to welcome our friends and very sorry to have them go away. A disagreeable child fingers a guest's gown, wanders into her room and plays with her combs and brushes, and gener- i8 Good Manners for All Occasions ally intrudes on the guest's privacy. An agreeable child is never in a guest's way, and seldom out of the way if a guest can be served. GOOD MANNERS IN THE CHURCH Although this paragraph is inserted here, it by no means is wholly confined to children and their behavior in the pew. Only bear this in mind, please : If you do not acquire the habit of regular churchgoing before you are twelve years old the strong probability is that you will never acquire it. And next, the quiet deportment appropriate to the pew, the attitude be- fitting the worshiper, must be acquired when you are young. Once impressed on youth, it will never be forgotten. But middle age will never overcome listlessness, aversion, and ennui in God's house, except through a miracle, if the church- going habit was not formed in childhood. Among breaches of good manners in church, the foremost in its indecorum is whispering and chatting with friends before or during the exercises. The sanctuary is not the proper place for gossip. Another reprehensible breach of etiquette is the turning over the leaves of a hymn book or the perusal of a church calendar during the sermon or the prayers. Almost as shocking it is to consult a watch during the service. These actions are grossly insulting to the minister, the congregation, and the Lord we profess to worship. To be late, deliberately, is almost as unpardonable an offense as any of the above faults. I believe that the little ones should be taken to church from the time they are able to walk. Nothing is more inspiring than a church where there are little heads in the pew. Children should go to the same church with their parents, not select their own church, nor should they stay at home at their own discretion, but, on the contrary, the churchgoing of Children and Manners 19 the Sabbath should be as much an obligation as the school- going of the week days. Yet the best day of the week must not be made a peniten- tial day in the children's lives. Happy Sundays with our chil- dren we may have, cheerfully restful, with a brightness and a gladness no other days hold. A walk with father in the afternoon, a time for singing in the evening, books kept spe- cially for the holy day, some privileges not given on other days, may make the Lord's Day the golden milestone of the week for our little darlings, and the most delightful day for our young people. SOME OTHER HINTS A writer on child training has given some excellent rules on the general subject of their behavior which are not inap- propriate here : "It is against the rules of strict etiquette to take children when making formal calls, as they are a restraint upon conversation, even if they are not troublesome about touching forbidden articles, or teasing to go home. "Never take a child to a funeral, either to the house of mourning or to the cemetery. "Never allow a child to take a meal at a friend's house without special invitation. It is impossible to know how much she may be inconvenienced, while her regard for the mother would deter her from sending the little visitor home again. "Never allow a child to handle goods in a store. "Never send for children to meet visitors in the drawing- room unless the visitors themselves request to see them. Make their stay then very brief, and be careful that they are not troublesome, "It is not etiquette to put a child to sleep in the room of a 20 Good Manners for All Occasions guest, nor to allow children to go at all to a guest's room, unless specially invited to do so, and even then to make a long stay there. "When invited to walk or drive never take a child, unless it has been invited, or you have requested permission to do so. "Never crowd children into picnic parties if they have not been invited. "Never take a child to spend the day with a friend unless it has been included in the invitation. "Never allow children to handle ornaments in the drawing- room of a friend. "Never allow a child to pull a visitor's dress, play with the jewelry or ornaments she may weaf, take her parasol or satchel for a plaything, or in any way annoy her. "Train children early to answer politely when addressed, to avoid restless, noisy motions when in company, and gradu- ally inculcate a love of the gentle courtesies of life. By mak- ing the rules of etiquette habitual to them you remove all awkwardness and restraint from their manners when they are old enough to go into society. "Never send a child to sit upon a sofa with a grown person unless a desire to have it do so has been expressed. "Never crowd a child into a carriage seat between two grown people. "Never allow a child to play with a visitor's hat or cane. "If children are talented be careful you do not weary your friends and destroy their own modesty by 'showing them off' upon improper occasions. What may seem wonderful to an interested mother may be weariness to a guest. "Never allow children to visit upon the invitation of other children. When they are invited by the older members of the family it is time to put on their 'best bibs and tuckers.' Children and Manners 21 "Never take children to a house of mourning, even if you are an intimate friend." It is one of the first duties of parents to train their children at home as they would have them appear abroad. An English lady writes thus : "If, then, we desire that our children shall become ladies and gentlemen, can we make them so, think you, by lavishing money on foreign professors, foreign travel, tailors, and dress- makers ? Ah, no ! good breeding is far less costly, and begins far earlier than those things. Let our little ones be nurtured in an atmosphere of gentleness and kindness from the nursery upward; let them grow up in a home where a rude gesture or an ill-tempered word is alike unknown; where between father and mother, master and servant, mistress and maid, friend and friend, parent and child, brother and sister, prevails the law of truth, of kindness, of consideration for others and forgetfulness of self. Can they carry into the world, whither we send them later, aught of coarseness, of untruthfulness, of slatternliness, of vulgarity, if their home has been orderly, if their parents have been refined, their servants well-man- nered, their friends and playmates kindly and carefully trained as themselves ? Do we want our boys to succeed in the world ; our girls to be admired and loved ; their tastes to be elegant ; their language choice; their manners simple, charming, re- fined, and graceful ; their friendship elevating? Then we must ourselves be what we would have our children to be, remem- bering the golden maxim, that good manners, like charity, must begin at home. "Good manners are an immense social force. We should therefore spare no pains to teach our children what to do in their pathway through life. "On utilitarian as well as social principles, we should try 22 Good Manners for All Occasions to instruct our children in good manners ; for whether we wish them to succeed in the world, or to adorn society, the point is equally important. We must never lose sight of the fact that here teachers and professors can do little, and that the only way in which it is possible to acquire the habits of good society is to live in no other." Ill GOOD MANNERS WHEN TRAVELING More or less as a matter of course, we travel. Our jour- neys may be long or short, but they are far from one point to another, and the same general rules cover all their neces- sities. I insert here a few rules which apply in every emergency : Consider what route you are taking when you are con- templating a journey, and decide definitely upon it. Go to the ticket office of the road and procure a time-table, where you will find the hour for leaving, together with names of stations on the road, etc. When you intend taking a sleeping berth, secure your ticket for it a day or two before you intend starting, so as to obtain a desirable location. A lower berth in the center of the car is always the most comfortable, as you escape the jar of the wheels and the opening door. Take as little baggage as possible, and see that your trunks are strong and securely fastened. A good, stout leather strap is a safeguard against bursting locks. In checking your baggage look to the checks yourself, to make sure that the numbers correspond. Having once received your check, you need not concern yourself further about your baggage. The company is responsible for its safe delivery. It is a wise precaution to have your name and address care- ifully written upon any small article of baggage, such as satchel, umbrella, duster, etc., so that in case you leave them in the car the railroad employees may know where to send them. 24 Good Manners for All Occasions An overcoat or package lying upon a seat is an indication that the seat is taken and the owner has only left temporarily. It would therefore be rude in you to remove the articles and occupy the seat. A courteous gentleman will usually relinquish his place to two ladies, or a gentleman and lady who are together, and seek other accommodations. Such a sacrifice always receives its reward in graceful admiration of his character. It is only courteous for a gentleman, seeing a lady looking for a seat, to offer the one beside him, as she scarcely likes to seat herself there without such invitation, although she will, of course, if there are no entirely vacant seats, do so in preference to standing. Ladies traveling alone, when addressed in a courteous man- ner by gentlemen, should reply politely to the remark ; and on long journeys it is even allowable to enter into conversation without the formality of an introduction. But a lady will al- ways know how to keep the conversation from bordering on familiarity, and by a quiet dignity and surprised manner will effectually check any attempt at presumption on the part of a strange acquaintance. Always consult the comfort of others when traveling. You should not open either door or window in a railway coach without first ascertaining if it will be agreeable to those near enough to be affected by it. Women, in particular, should remember that they have not chartered the whole car, but only paid for a small fraction of it, and be careful not to monopolize the dressing room for two or three hours at a stretch, while half a dozen or more fellow-travelers are wait- ing outside to arrange their toilets. Fastidious passengers will always carry their own toilet articles, and not depend on the public brush and comb. Good Manners when Traveling 25 A lady will avoid overdressing in traveling. Silks and velvets, laces and jewelry are completely out of place on a rail- way train. The appointments of a traveler may be as elegant as you please, but they should be distinguished by exceeding plainness and quietness of tone. Some women have an idea that any old thing is good enough to travel in, and so look exceedingly shabby on the train. This is a mistake. GETTING READY FOR THE ROAD When contemplating a trip from home, whether it is to be a long or a short one, it is wise to count the cost, ascertain the best routes, and make as close a schedule of time to be spent on the journey as you can. Approximately you may estimate the expense of any given trip, but, having done so, your comfort and peace of mind will be greatly enhanced if you add something for a margin. In going anywhere beyond your ordinary bailiwick it is proper to provide for illness or other contingency which may delay you and largely increase your outlay. To have just enough, with nothing in the background to draw upon, may do for youth and inexperience in the happy-go-lucky season of life, but few of us, when past youth, dare to take the risks that boys and girls survey so lightly. Better take a cheaper trip, or forego a costly one, than be stranded without means in a city of strangers. By means of maps, railway guides, and the various trips outlined by tourists one may obtain an accurate notion of where, how, and when to go to any point on the globe. A gentleman who recently with his wife went round the world, visiting many foreign mission stations and traveling by every sort of conveyance, according to the ways of the country in which he happened to be, made the trip in fourteen months, arriving at his home in New York only twelve hours later 26 Good Manners for All Occasions than he had planned before starting. Judicious planning will enable one to travel without fuss or fretting on the way. ANTICIPATE— DO NOT FOREBODE Set out on a journey expecting to have a good time. People who forbode disaster are on the ragged edge of anxiety every moment. To anticipate is to look for something beautiful around the next corner, to watch eagerly for something new, curious, or charming, whenever one enters an unfamiliar region. The responsibility of conveying a traveler safely rests with those who have sold him a ticket. Captains, conductors, en- gineers, and the many men who manage trains, or sail ships, are charged with the duty of landing passengers in good shape at the objective point on their tickets. A great deal of confidence may be reposed in the average man. Accidents do happen, but the percentage of accident as compared with the immense aggregate of successful travel is extremely small. I take it for granted that those who read this commit them- selves daily to the care of the Father in heaven, who neither slumbers nor sleeps, and who has given His angels charge concerning His children that no evil befall them. On the road or at home God's child may say, "I laid me down and slept; for the Lord sustained me." The pleasure of any journey is marred, if not ruined, by the presence of fear in the heart. To enjoy the good times as they come is as truly the Christian's duty as to accept with resignation the hard times. Sanctified common sense must be a part of every traveler's outfit. Good Manners when Traveling 27 ON PACKING A TRUNK On many trips a man can carry every requisite in a suit case. Women, who are willing to go with light luggage, have spent some weeks in Europe, crossing the ocean, and doing a good deal of traveling, with only what they have carried in a shawl strap. But this, for women, is exceptional. Women usually are more comfortable if, leaving home for a few days, they carry their clothing in a trunk and have very little hand luggage. If you expect to travel often, buy a good trunk to begin with, but not too large a. trunk. Mammoth trunks tax the strength and skill of the men who handle baggage on trains, and of the porters in hotels, and are bulky and in the way in one's room. In visiting a friend for a short stay never take a trunk so big that it suggests the possibility of an indefinite lingering. Two small trunks are preferable to one of unwieldy size. The ideal trunk for a lady has several drawers and com- partments. When ready to pack get together everything you desire to take with you from home. Shoes and large articles should go into the trunk first. Pack very smoothly, and fill up all the little spaces. Do not carry glassware and fragile pieces of bricTa-brac in your trunk. They will probably be broken if you do. Never carry liquids of any kind, except in securely fastened tin boxes. Ink, cologne, and medicines may be packed together in a tin case, securely fastened and placed in the middle of the trunk. Fold all garments. Rolled bun- dles occupy an undue amount of space. Having arranged the underclothes as you want them, dispose of your skirts, which should be folded with the greatest care, laying tissue paper between each fold. Tissue paper should be stuffed into sleeves and laid around the bodices of gowns, to preserve their shape. 28 Good Manners for All Occasions Dainty bits of lingerie, gloves, laces, bonnets and hats are to be provided for in the upper drawers and compartments of the trunk. Remember that loose packing means injury to everything. Pack as tightly as you can, and fill the interstices between your fragile articles with the soft tissue paper which is a friend in need to the traveler. Elizabeth Bisland, who is an authority on comfortable trav- eling, advises : "In making long trips in England or on the Continent it is as well that the woman traveling alone should go to the expense of taking first-class tickets to secure the advantages of the added luxury and privacy ; but for all journeys of mod- erate length — and very few are as long as twelve hours — second class is quite good enough and a great deal cheaper. For journeys of an hour or two many English people go third class, since the carriages in this class are perfectly clean and fairly comfortable, and one is not likely to sufifer any incon- venience from the manners of one's fellow-travelers, which are almost without exception quiet and decent. On the Con- tinent a woman unaccompanied had better content herself with the economy of second class, as her experiences might not be agreeable in the third. "Wherever one might be fated to spend any length of time in land travel it is best to follow certain rules. One of these is to be sure of plenty of fresh air. In our own country this is sometimes made difficult by the overheating of cars, the double windows, and the lack of proper ventilation; while in Europe the loosely fitting sashes and lack of artificial warmth give one at times too much of even that good thing. An excellent practice is to get out wherever a stop of more than a few minutes is made and walk briskly, filling the lungs and stirring the blood. In almost all cases where a traveler finds Good Manners when Traveling 29 herself unable to sleep in the cars the difficulty may be cor- rected by a supply of fresh air." WHAT TO DO IN A SLEEPER "I have never spent a night on the train. I don't know how to manage about the sleeping car," says the young girl or the elderly lady who has hitherto made her journeys by daylight. This matter is very simple. Your sleeping car ticket was secured when you bought your ticket, or was engaged a day or two beforehand, if at a crowded period of the year, when ac- commodations are much in demand and space is taxed. A lower berth is preferred by women, though the air in an upper berth is often purer. Insist in summer on having plenty of air. The porter will open your window and insert a wire screen which keeps off part of the dust — only a part; dust seems inseparable from swift transit over any road. An electric bell at the side of your seat will summon the porter whenever you need him, by night or by day. Call on him for any service, and repay his attentions by a fee at the journey's end. The amount of this fee or tip is determined by the length of the journey, and the personal service he has rendered. It is not fixed, except by the individual wish and ability, but it is customary to slip something in silver into the porter's hand before you leave the train. When you desire to undress ring for tlie porter, who will deftly make your bed. This is the work of a very few minutes. The man dextrously lets down the machinery which trans- forms what is a luxurious seat by day into a luxurious couch by night, makes a few magic passes, and, presto! there you are. Step in behind the curtains, and slip off your jacket, waist, skirt, and other outside garments, remove your corsets, 30 Good Manners for All Occasions and put on a long kimono, or a sack and skirt, in which, taking toothbrush, comb, sponge, and whatever toilet con- veniences you have in your little hand bag, proceed to the lady's dressing room at the end of the car. This is usually arranged for two ladies. If others are before you watch for your opportunity, and go when the field is clear. Good form indicates that neither in the morning nor in the evening should one passenger, or even two passengers, monopolize the dress- ing room for a long time. Finish bathing and hairdressing with expedition, and leave room for others. A small swing- ing hammock of netted twine at the side of the sleeper is intended to hold securely all small articles, and the larger ones are smoothly folded and laid with shoes and the like at the foot of your bed. A shelf, or, rather, a hollow place where a shelf should be, is the depository for your hat. You have, I hope, left jewelry and costly valuables at home. They are never to be taken on a journey. The old Romans called bag- gage impedimenta, and the word exactly describes superfluous ornament and finery which encumbers and burdens the owner when traveling. To wear showy jewelry on the road is considered vulgar and much out of taste. In order to gain the luxury of a bath on the train, the lady passenger must either rise very early or lie in her berth until her fellow passengers have done with the toilet room. A prac- ticed traveler is apt to look about in the evening and see how many other women are in the car with her. She may then forecast her chances, and make up her mind whether she will rise very early or wait till the rest have completed their morning preparations. Some women suffer acute discomfort on the train from faintness and car-sickness, especially in the morning. They do not quickly adjust themselves to the incessant' motion, Good Manners when Traveling 31 often a jerking and swinging motion that wears terribly on the nerves. A little fruit, some thin crackers, and a bottle of bouillon should form part of the traveler's equipment, as tea and coffee cannot be procured at dawn. The merest luncheon — not a meal, but just enough to stay the stomach — will do away with the morning faintness and malaise. Most of the morning dressing may be done in the toilet room, whither you may carry such portions of your dress as you have laid aside overnight. Always carry in your hand bag a silk or wool kimono, which may be slept in, and which suit- ably covers you in going back and forth in the aisle between the berths. TRAVELING BY SEA Ocean travel is not formidable in these days, except to those who suffer from seasickness. Try to start when measurably free from nervous strain, and have the body in a clear and (wholesome state. Keep on deck. The passenger who is compelled to make a sea voyage of days in her stateroom is much to be pitied. One cannot have in her stateroom anything beyond a small steamer trunk, as all larger boxes go into the vessel's hold. It is practicable to carry every real necessity for a voyage of a week or ten days in one's suit case. The stewardess will pay the passenger many small and comforting attentions, and in return she should receive a tip, proportioned to the demands on her time and the amount of trouble she has -taken. Again quoting from Miss Bisland : "It is well to secure one's seat, sleeping berth, or stateroom well in advance, and trust nothing to luck. Beginning early, and having, therefore, the power of choice, select, if possible, for a dajr's journey, a seat in the center of the car, or, if for the night, a berth near the ladies' toilet room. Take an outside 32 Good Manners for All Occasions stateroom; the air to be had through the porthole, whenever the sea is calm enough to admit of opening it, is worth much in moments of fatigue or nausea. "Take enough hand luggage to be quite comfortable. Some one can always be found to carry it for a very small tip. Do i fit sit down and wait to be told when things happen and where all conveniences are situated. A few judicious inquiries will ascertain the hour of meals, the locality of the bathroom, what rules and regulations must be observed, and what priv- ileges are to be had. Be ready to take prompt advantage of any opportunity for amusement, and be profoundly versed in the gentle science of Baedeker and Murray. "Perhaps this is a point at which the whole question of tips might be appropriately dealt with. All through Europe they are expected, but a regular tariff is fixed, and it is not neces- sary to give more than is the custom. Some few independent souls refuse to recognize the demand at all, but they are always badly served. In many cases those who serve them are not liberally paid by their employers because of the extra fund supposed to be contributed by the traveler, and she who refuses to tip is in reality receiving services gratuitously from the poor employee. "On long sea voyages it is customary to give one's own stewardess five dollars when special services are asked, or two and a half dollars when no particular demands are made on her time. About the same is given the table steward, and one dollar to the deck steward — ^but this proportion may alter according to the amount of service rendered. "It is a wise precaution and insures more care and consid- eration if the tipper gives the stewardess a small installment of the whole fee the first day out, intimating that more is to follow on reaching port. Good Manners when Traveling 33 "In England the cabmen expect a gratuity of two pence, in France two big sous. Six pence are ample for the transporta- tion of luggage or any small services from the guard on rail- way trains in England; half a franc in France. In the ex- pensive restaurants a shilling in London and a franc in Paris is sufficiently munificent, while in such places as the Maison Duval or the A. B. C. restaurants two sous, or two pence, are quite enough. "There are, for the solitary woman traveler, a number of tourists' agencies — such as Cook's, Gaze's, and Low's — whose branches reach to over beyond Jordan, and are established among even the dwellers of Mesopotamia. These for a very small percentage will buy tickets, check and transfer luggage, furnish all useful and useless information, and do one's bank- ing, besides supplying valuable aid in finding satisfactory lodgings. "It is at the offices of these agencies that one may change banknotes most conveniently and secure fresh currency of the different countries in which one is sojourning. In carrying large sums it is better to rely upon the letter of credit of some prominent and trustworthy bank; but where the sum to be used in traveling is moderate, as convenient a way as any is to carry a few Bank of England notes, and deposit these as an account at one of the tourists' agencies, or at a bank, and draw checks against it. Say that one means to go abroad for two months or three, and means to limit one's expenses to a few modest hundreds ; then the simplest and least troublesome fashion of arranging the matter is to procure Bank of Eng- land notes for that sum. Get a letter from a trustworthy tourist agency to its office in London or Paris containing an introduction. On arriving one has only to present the letter and the money, deposit the latter, and get a sheaf of checks in 34 Good Manners for All Occasions return, and a needed supply of foreign gold and silver. In moving from one large city to another it is necessary only to carry a letter from the agency to its bureau in the new capital, and there, the office having been privately notified of the orig- inal deposit, the checks are again honored. For short tours from the base of supply a small amount of gold is the most convenient form of provision." A FEW USEFUL DON'TS Don't travel unless you can afford it. Don't ask questions, except of officials on the road, or the ship, or of policemen on the street. Don't carry a chip on your shoulder. Most of the people you meet are well-disposed and kind. Don't permit your children, if you have any with you, to annoy people by ill-bred behavior. Don't exchange visiting cards with strangers, unless this is justified by exceptional circumstances. Don't refuse courtesies when offered by strangers if excep- tional circumstances Occasion them. Don't return civility with its opposite. Don't forget that you owe a duty to every human being, the duty of looking pleasant and being gracious. Don't fail to assist any infirm, crippled, or aged fellow- traveler who may need a helping hand. "Don't by a single thought or action add to the burden of sorrow pressing so heavily upon many fellow-pilgrims." "Don't forget that most of the evil passions are traceable to two roots, anger and worry. These are the thieves that steal precious time and energy from life." "Anger is a highway robber, and worry is a sneak thief." Good Manners when Traveling 35 There is much good sense and a little sermon in this bit of verse by Robert J. Burdette : "KEEP SWEET AND KEEP MOVIN'" Hard to be sweet when the throng is dense, When the elbows jostle and shoulders crowd; Easy to give and take offense When the touch is rough and the voice is loud; "Keep to the right" in the city's throng; "Divide the road" on the broadway; There's one way right when everything's wrong; Easy and fair goes far in a day, Just "Keep sweet and keep movin'." The quick taunt answers the hasty word — The lifetime's chance for a "help'' is missed; The muddiest pool is a fountain stirred, A kind hand clinched makes an ugly fist. When the nerves are tense and the mind is vexed, The spark lies close to the magazine; Whisper a hope to the soul perplexed — Banish the fear with a smile serene — Just "Keep sweet and keep movin'." STANDARD TIME In traveling one finds that at intervals his watch does not tally with the watches about him. At certain points the watch must be set over again. A little explanation of standard time may interest those who know nothing of its reasons or theory. What is known as the "new standard time" was adopted by agreement by all the principal railroads of the United States at twelve o'clock, noon, on November 18, 1883. The system divides the continent into five longitudinal belts, and fixes a meridian of time for each belt. These meridians are fifteen 36 Good Manners for All Occasions degrees of longitude, corresponding to one hour of time, apart. Eastern Maine, New Brunswick, and Nova Scotia use the sixtieth meridian; the Canadas, New England, the Middle States, Virginia, and the Carolinas use the seventy-fifth me- ridian, which is that of Philadelphia; the States of the Mississippi Valley, Alabama, Georgia, and Florida, and west- ward, including Texas, Kansas, and the larger part of Ne- braska and Dakota, use the ninetieth meridian, which is that of New Orleans; the territories to the western borders of Arizona and Montana go by the time of the one hundred and fifth meridian, which is that of Denver ; and the Pacific States employ the one hundred and twentieth meridian. The time divisions are known as intercolonial time, eastern time, central time, mountain time, and Pacific time. A traveler passing from one belt to another will find his watch an hour too fast or too slow, according to the direction in which he is going. All points in any time division using the time of the me- ridian must set their time pieces faster or slower than the time indicated by the sun according as their position is east or west of the line. This change of system reduced the time standards used by the railroads from forty-three to five, a great convenience to the railroads and the traveling public. The suggestion leading to the adoption of this new system originated with Professor Abbe, of the Signal Bureau at Washington. WHO PAYS A LADY'S FARE? In going about, as in omnibuses and street cars, a lady pays her fare herself. An acquaintance who happens to enter the car when she does, or who meets her by chance before she has paid the conductor, does not pay her fare. An old and inti- Good Manners when Traveling 37 mate friend may insist on doing so, but this is a different matter. Never squabble over a nickel in a street car. Women do this amusingly when on shopping excursions. The better plan is for each woman to pay her share of the day's expenses. If guests are staying in one's home it is proper that the host should defray their expenses, car and carriage hire iiKluded, while they remain under his roof. ABOUT SEATS IN CARS Gentlemen formerly invariably rose and offered seats to ladies in street cars. The custom has fallen into desuetude now for several excellent reasons. One is the increasing in- dependence of women who compete with men on equal terms in every industrial field, and who, in becoming equals and com- petitors, have ceased to be superiors and, so to speak, royalties. Another is the extreme rudeness of women who accept prof- fered seats without the slightest inclination of the head, or the very faintest word of thanks. Still another is the manifest reason that on long routes a man who has been working hard all day may resign his seat soon after taking it to a lady who is leaving the car in a very few moments. He does not reclaim the seat for which he has paid, when she departs, for some other man pounces upon it, and the original owner, tired and fagged and inwardly protesting, may have to stand for miles, and go home as cross as two sticks to the supper which ought to find him in a benignant mood. \ No woman who is young and well should feel aggrieved if a man keeps a seat while she has none. It is not by right, but by privilege, that she ever has this courtesy extended, and in the twentieth century women do not wish to be treated as though they were the weaker sex. 38 Good Manners for All Occasions A little newspaper anecdote the other day bears entertain- ingly on this mooted question. "Keep your seat, sir," said a young lady, authoritatively, to an elderly gentleman who seemed about to rise in a street car. He sank back, abashed, but presently, more resolutely, rose, and the lady with emphasis exclaimed : "I will not take your seat, I do not mind standing! I am accustomed to it." "Take the seat, madam, or leave it," answered the gentle- man ; "I want to get out of the car." The bad manners of women on the road are inexcusable from every point of view. Why should a woman occupy two seats when she has paid for only one? Yet this is constantly done. A woman seats herself comfortably and then piles her bundles and boxes beside her, staring stonily ahead, when others enter the conveyance. The natural inference of new- comers is that the extra seat is being reserved for a friend, and they pass on without inquiry. If a more daring person ventures to ask, "Madam, is this seat taken?" the "No" is grudgingly spoken, and the luggage is removed with an air of injury. Women are needlessly brusque and curt in their manner to conductors, and are conspicuously thoughtless in allowing their children to monopolize space to which the latter have no right. A MINOR INFLICTION Among the disagreeable features of a short suburban jour- ney may be mentioned the habit of munching peanuts or eating fruit or candy, in which ill-bred people indulge. A decorous luncheon eaten at the luncheon hour is not an offense to any- one, but it is a distinct misery to sit near a party of people who are eating peanuts and scattering shells upon the floor, and the Good Manners when Traveling 39 odor of oranges and bananas on a train is nauseating to many. As for the chewing-gum monstrosity, it is simply unspeak- ably hateful. Fortunately for the hygiene and the comfort of travelers, the revolting habit of expectoration in public con- veyances is a thing of the past; prohibited under penalties of fine and imprisonment by modern boards of health, it has had its odious day, and no longer moves fastidious strangers from abroad to write of us as if we were a horde of barbarians instead of a refined and wholesome nation, with standards of purity and excellence to maintain. STOPPING AT A HOTEL In staying at a hotel overnight, or for some days, a lady traveling by herself need feel no embarrassment. All that is requisite is a modest, self-possessed demeanor, and money enough to pay the bill. A hotel on the European plan is perhaps the most satisfac- tory, as there is a fixed tariff for rooms, and one may pay a larger or smaller sum, according to her means. A room with bath attached is luxurious, but costs more than one supplied only with washstand and basin. If one takes the elevator to her room it may be many stories from the ground floor without inconveniencing her. Deposit valuables or large amounts of money with the hotel people, who will keep them in a safe for you. They do not as- sume responsibility for valuables left in rooms. When leaving your room step to the desk and leave the key with the clerk. Does somebody inquire how the woman traveling alone se- cures her room ? She steps to the desk in the office, as anybody else does, intimates her desire, and is told the rates for rooms. Having made her choice, the porter carries her hand bag and 40 Good Manners for All Occasions shows her the room. If she have no other luggage she may be required to pay in advance, but this rule is not universal. Rooms in fine city hotels are now furnished with electric bells and telephones, so that communication between room and office is easy and immediate in case of need. The restaurant in the building furnishes meals, a la carte, that is, at a certain price for every article. Sometimes there is a table d'hote arrangement, which means that a meal of several courses is provided for a stipulated sum. Hotels on the American plan, and country inns, charge so much a day or so much a week, and provide lodging, food, and every needed service. Fires and meals served in rooms are extra. Dress very quietly in a hotel. Never wear anything re- sembling full dress in an American hotel/ unless you are in a group of ladies and gentlemen dressed with elegance in preparation for some function to which all are going later. HOTEL ETIQUETTE FOR WOMEN A lady, obliged to stop at a hotel and stay there some days by herself, may guide her conduct by the suggestions that follow, as they are put in a concrete form : In giving an order at a public table a lady should decide quickly what dishes she desires, and order them in a low but distinct tone. No lady will stare around the room, fidget with her napkin, plate, knife, or fork, play with the salt, or exhibit any awkward embarrassment, while waiting for a meal to be served. It is allowable to look over a newspaper in the interval at break- fast; but the habit, quite common, of carrying a novel to the table is not recommended. If a lady accepts any civility from a gentleman at the same Good Manners when Traveling 41 table, such as placing butter, sugar, or water nearer to her plate, she must thank him ; but by no means start a conversation with him. If a lady have friends at the table, she may converse in a low, quiet tone; but any loud tone, laughing extravagantly, or gesticulations, are exceedingly ill-bred. To comment upon others present, either aloud or in a whisper, is extremely rude. A lady must never point to a dish she wishes passed to her. If she cannot call it by name a well-trained waiter will know her wishes if she looks at the dish. Any bold action or boisterous deportment in a hotel will expose a lady to the most severe censure of the refined around her, and may render her liable to misconstruction, and impertinence. Greetings offered by other ladies at the table, or in the parlor, should not be too hastily checked, as the acquaintance so formed is never required by etiquette to be recognized elsewhere. A lady alone at a hotel should wear the most modest and least conspicuous dress appropriate to the hour of the day. Full dress must not be worn unless she has an escort present. A lady should never go alone to the supper table after ten o'clock. If she returns from an entertainment at a late hour, and has no escort to supper, she should have that meal sent to her room. A lady should carefully lock her trunks before leaving her room at a hotel, and should give her money and jewelry into the care of the proprietor on her arrival, ringing for them if she requires them during her stay. No lady should open a window in a hotel parlor, if there are other ladies near it, without first ascertaining that it will inconvenience them. No lady should use the piano of a hotel uninvited if there 42 Good Manners for All Occask ns are others in the room. It looks bold and forivard to display even the most finished musical education in this way. It is still worse to sing. A lady should never go herself to the door of a hotel to call a hack. Ring for a servant to perform this office, and he will bring the hack to the ladies' entrance. No lady should stand or linger in the halls of a hotel, but pass through them quietly, never stopping alone for a moment. No lady should stand alone at the front windows of a hotel parlor, nor may she walk put on the porch, or, indeed, any conspicuous place. A lady is not expected to recognize her friends across the parlor or dining room of a hotel. No scolding of servants is permissible in a hotel. If they are negligent or disrespectful complain to the housekeeper or landlord; it is their business to keep the domestics in order, not that of their guests. For a lady to go up the stairs of a hotel humming a tune is ill-bred, and may expose her to rudeness. It is a breach of etiquette to take any newspaper, book, or music you may find in a hotel parlor to your own room, even if you return it. Lolling or lounging in a public parlor can never be per- mitted to a lady. It is a breach of etiquette for a lady to touch her baggage in a hotel after it is packed. There are plenty of servants to attend to it, and they should carry to the hack even the trav- eling shawl and satchel. Nothing looks more awkward than to see a lady, with both hands full, stumbling up the steps of a hotel omnibus. Good Manners when Traveling 43 SOME RULES OF THE ROAD Do unto others as you would that they should do unto you. Do not fan so vigorously that a cold current chills the back of your neighbor's neck. Don't open a window without ascertaining whether so doing will interfere with your neighbors. Never push, crowd, nor shove. There is always time enough to be courteous even in a crowd. At a ferry present the exact change. While the ticket- seller makes change for three cents from a five-dollar bill for you, fifty people behind are fuming lest they lose a train. Be provided with small change in the cars. Do not tread on people's feet. Do not carry an umbrella laterally under your arm. It may poke somebody's eyes out. Never let your cane or umbrella or your suit case encumber a car aisle, to the peril of others who may trip over th$ incum- brance and be badly hurt. Do not converse in lotid tones with your fellow-passenger in the same seat. Never engage in altercations with bumptious people who wish to pick a quarrel. When escorting ladies be polite, but not belligerent. It is most embarrassing to a woman to be the subject of a quar- rel, as to a seat, or somebody's cigar, or any other passing annoyance. Remember that amiability costs nothing. Do not leave articles on the train. One who travels is ex- pected to look out for personal property. Always carry your name and address plainly written on a card in your pocketbook, and also the name and address of the relative or friend who is to be notified in case of an acci- 44 Good Manners for All Occasions dent. It is the part of wisdom to provide for identification should anything happen, this life being very uncertain at all times. Never worry. "God's in his heaven — ^All's right with the world!" On the whole, the rule of the road for all life's journeys is well epitomized in the quatrain by Edward Everett Hale : "Look up, and not down ; Look out, and not in; Look forward, and not back. And lend a hand." There are times when to address strangers on a journey would be intrusion and officious. There are times when not to do so would be unkind and inconsiderate. In the book of Acts one may find a good example of the passenger who says and does the right word and the right thing in the right place, by reading the account of the ship- wreck on the stormy coast of Malta. The man who was a prisoner on the ship going to Rome to be tried before the emperor, the man who had no recognized duty toward cap- tain, soldiers, sailors, or passengers, by his own dominant spirit took command and saved the day. Everybody else had lost courage when "neither sun nor stars for many days ap- peared." "And now," said Paul, "I exhort you to be of good cheer : for there shall be no loss of any man's life among you, but of the ship. For there stood by me this night the angel of God, whose I am, and whom I serve, saying. Fear not, Paul ; thou must be brought before Caesar : and, lo, God hath given thee all them that sail with thee. Wherefore, sirs, be of good cheer : for I believe God, that it shall be even as it was told me." Though we search all literature we shall not anywhere find Good Manners when Traveling 45 better rules for the conduct of life than are laid down in the Scriptures. They are based firmly on two great principles, love to God and love to man, "Abou Ben Adhem (may his tribe increase!) Awoke one night from a deep dream of peace, And saw, within the moonlight in his room. Making it rich, and like a lily in bloom. An angel, writing in a book of gold. Exceeding peace had made Ben Adhem bold. And to the presence in the room he said, 'What writest thou?' The vision raised its head, And, with a look made all of sweet accord, Answered, 'The names of those who love the Lord.' 'And is mine one?' said Abou. 'Nay, not so,' Replied the angel. Abou spoke more low. But cheerily still, and said, 'I pray thee, theil. Write me as one that loves his fellow-men.' The angel wrote and vanished. The next night It came again with a great wakening light, And showed the names whom love of God had blessed. And lo ! Ben Adhem's name led all the rest." IV GOOD MANNERS IN CORRESPONDENCE So much of social intercourse is in these days carried on by correspondence that it occupies a place in the foreground, and is extremely important. Possibly there are still houses where one has to hunt from garret to cellar for the means to write a letter, where the pens are poor, the ink is thick and dry, and the sheets of paper few and far between. But these houses are exceptional. From Maine to California our families are scattered, busi- ness ramifications extend everywhere, and letters must fly to and fro. The mail is carried by Uncle Sam, swiftly and nearly always safely, and in the comity of nations letters and other documents make the tour of the globe, cross great mountain ranges, are borne over wide oceans, and find their way to the one for whom they are meant. The first requisites for letters are pens, ink, and paper. Suit the pen to your preference; a stub, a sharp point, or a medium pen must be chosen to suit the special taste of the writer who uses it. In ink the best choice is a good firm black. Colored inks are not liked by society, or approved in the schoolroom, or in business. Choose an ink that flows freely from the pen, and shows itself black at once, not hours later. Pallid inks, faint and elusive, are abominations. Write dis- tinctly and clearly with a good pen, with black ink, on paper of good quality, and no one need criticise your taste or your judgment. Good Manners in Correspondence 47 A good quality of smooth note paper, cream or snow-white, is suitable for one's most elegant correspondence. Less costly note paper answers for everyday use. This is simply a dis- tinction like that between best and second-best clothing. Paper is so cheap that there is no excuse for buying that of poor quality. ' Pads are convenient for family letters and for other writing. If the gifted daughter of the household writes for the papers let her be abundantly supplied with pads of letter size. Postal cards should be used only for business inquiries and notifications. When people wish to spend the money, they may have en- graved in gold, silver, or colors, at the top of their nicest note paper, either a crest, a monogram, their separate initials, as L. D. F., or S. T. D. ; the name of their home, as. Windy Crest, Pine Hurst, Bide-a-Wee ; or their residence in a village, as Ossining, New York; Belief ontaine, Ohio; Tenafly, New Jersey; or their street and number in a city, as — Madison Avenue, New York, or Chicago ; or — Beacon Street, Boston, or the like. This must be engraved, never printed. It adds to the individuality of one's note paper, but is not an essential, and, as it is costly, frugal people are justified in doing without this extra touch of elegance. In point of convenience, where people in society have a greatly extended correspondence, they are saved the labor of writing the place of their abode on every letter. Persons who have a very large business correspondence — and some women have this — should use envelopes on which their post office address and name are printed, not engraved. Printed forms are right for business. 4S Good Manners for All Occasions THE TYPEWRITER What we should do without the little machine that serves us so faithfully I do not know. The typewriter is in every office, bank, factory, and countingroom, and in thousands of homes. It is as familiar a friend as the sewing-machine. Boys and girls should learn to use it just as they learn to write with a pen. Muscles cramped by the pen sometimes find relief when the typewriter is exchanged for it, and in pub- lishing houses typewritten manuscript is vastly more popular than the most legibly hand-written production. The typewriter is limited to business purposes. It cannot be utilized for friendly letters, love-letters, or letters of an intimate, personal, or confidential character. Never send a letter of congratulation or condolence in type- writing. To do so is very bad form indeed. A GOOD LETTER What constitutes a good letter? First, the really good letter carries with it the good wishes of the sincere soul. It is not cold, perfunctory, nor overformal. Neither is it burdened by long and diffuse apologies for not having written sooner, nor weighted by flowery compliments, nor does it mean- der through meaningless sentences to a lame and halting conclusion. A letter is a message from friend to friend. Something to say is its excuse for being. The letter that is most like good talk, like the vital expression of one friend to another, of information, faith, hope, cheer, or courage, is the best possible letter. Good Manners in Correspondence 49 FORMS OF SALUTATION AND CONCLUSION A formal letter to an entire stranger may be begun thus : Sfanatl^ati Ei(!)arlr0, (Ssq. and concluded thus : or, Qerp recipettfnll?, Setrp Bincwelp pnttrs, (SHiDarir S^poliane. If the letter be sent to a lady who is an entire stranger it may be begun similarly : fRts. ^tUtant Ctabici. and may be closed as above. It is equally agreeable to good form to address a letter to Jonathan Richards, Esq., "My dear Mr. Richards" ; or to Mrs. William Travis, "My dear Mrs. Travis." When the persons are well known to you do not use the full name as above, in beginning, but simply commence with "My dear Mr. Richards," or "My dear Mrs. Travis." Observe that "My dear" indicates formality, while "Dear Mr. Richards," or "Dear Mrs. Travis," indicates familiarity. A letter from a wife to her husband or a husband to his wife may begin in any tender and loving way, and be signed, "Devotedly yours," or "Ever your own," or in any terms of endearment that are natural in the most intimate relation on earth. Nothing is too emphatic, and nothing can be exag- gerated in the loving expressions appropriate between the happily married. 50 Good Manners for All Occasions To engaged lovers a good deal of sentiment may be allowed, but they should somewhat restrain their ardor, mindful that engagements may be broken; yet not hesitating to address Ihe beloved one affectionately. Though banality is to be avoided, betrothed lovers have reason to let their pens express what their hearts feel, always observing the good rule to write nothing of which either might be ashamed were it proclaimed from the housetop. Silly diminutives, trivial catchwords, and foolish phrases are best omitted from love-letters. Why should a love-letter fail in dignity or be clothed in less beautiful raiment than love deserves to wear? THE SIGNATURE Every letter, unless sent to a member of one's family, should be signed in full, as Mary Johnson, Eleanor Harris, Elizabeth Mason, Charles Arnold, William Morris Phelps, Arthur Ken- nedy. The middle name is signed by some with an initial, as John H. Thompson, Emily G. Ward, Alice B. Johns. If you have hitherto used this form it may not be well to change it, as it has become what is known as your legal signature, but if you have not thought much about the matter, and are now deciding it, write your middle name out in full. One's signature should be very plainly written. Some peo- ple write a four-page letter in perfectly plain characters, and sign it at last with a disgraceful scrawl, so blind that no human being can make it out. This is one of those blunders that come very near being crimes. One's signature stands for one's self. It does not make the least difference whether or not one writes what is called a beautiful hand. About beauty in hand- writing there may be widely differing opinions. But one ought to write, as a matter of courtesy and of good mo-rals, a Good Manners in Correspondence 51 perfectly legible hand, that anyone may read without difficulty or strain upon eyesight. Sign your letters clearly, and never omit in any letter your full post office address. Although you suppose that your cor- respondent knows where you live, still be careful not to tax his or her memory if it have proved treacherous. In case a letter goes astray it will be safely returned from the Dead Letter Office if your full name and address are within it. An additional precaution is this, to write your address on the outside of your envelope, in the upper left- hand corner, so that if the letter does not reach its destination it may be returned to you. A married lady signs her name Margaret Otis, and puts Mrs. John Otis in brackets a little to the left and a trifle below the above signature. Never sign your name Mrs. Otis, or Mrs. Brown, or Miss Smith, or Miss Joyce. No matter to whom you write, remember that the rule above given is an iron-clad one in good society. WHEN IN MOURNING If in mourning, and you wish to signify that you have been bereaved, let the style of your note paper be conservative. A narrow line of black is sufficient, just the merest border, on note paper and envelopes. Too deep and wide a border is not in good taste. SEALING. STAMPING, AND DIRECTING LETTERS Wax may be used in sealing letters if one prefer to use it. The envelopes in common use are securely gummed, so that wax is not necessary, and unless one can stamp the wax quickly and deftly it is not worth while to go to any trouble in the matter. 52 Good Manners for All Occasions The postage stamp should be placed on the upper right-hand corner of the envelope. A letter should be directed as follows : iSlise fRwc^ ^nnt fUtiaieon, €Mtx €veek, 3Dolise Cottntp, the lines not running amuck over the paper, but keeping them- selves in straight, severe order. Address a clergyman thus : Rev. John Borland Payson, D.D., er. Rev. Dr. John Borland Payson. A physician's letter is properly directed, Hugh Murray, M.D. In writing to the wives of these gentlemen address them as Mrs. John Borland Payson, and Mrs. Hugh Murray. A non-professional friend may be addressed, Mr. John Bent- ley, or, John Bentley, Esq. Should you have occasion to write to the Chief Executive of the nation, on the outside of your letter write, "The Presi- dent of the United States." LETTEE^ OF INTRODUCTION A good form for a letter of introduction is the following : Beta Pnrit, ©ttoiier 12, 1904. iSlp Bear fRre, Sfonejf : f^V 3r l)a^« tlie pleasttr* of pteBcnting; to pott nip frintD fRias Uase S))iattlliing:, tal^o 'mislite to connult pon aliottt tibe ^tnluonJi Settlement toorfe, in taiitb sfte is tn= teretiteli? fenotoing; pour atqttaintajice tottft Bocial «ettle= ment toorik, 5 l)abe adfittteU litt of pottr fetnUnesti as a listener, ^np falior pou map ejctenl to iHtM SpattUitts totll be appreciate]] bp Jotttrji jiintetelp, Cmmeline Eossitetr. Good Manners in Correspondence 53 And another briefer form might be: eeto Porit, ©ttober 12, 1004. fHv Hear iHr. ^MttsoU : jjjermit me to inttaJttce to ponr fataorabit nottce i&K, atVmaxn jpolltster. Wit\) binHefit resartrct, ^ am JFait[)CttUp pottte, 3ro!)n 2ro|)ncion. A visiting card often serves the purpose of a letter of intro- duction. If thus used, across the upper part of the card should be written, "Introducing Miss Brown to Mrs. Robertson." This card should be inclosed in a small, unsealed envelope. Never seal a letter of introduction. For that matter, never seal a letter sent to a friend by a friend's hand. A letter sent by a business messenger is properly sealed. INVITATIONS AND ANNOUNCEMENTS These are, properly, engraved forms on pasteboard. In a later chapter they will be treated more in detail. It is best to follow whatever is the fashion of the hour in these matters, and this is best ascertained by reference to a stationer, who can furnish you with the latest mode. Should an informal invitation be sent in a letter to a friend, asking her to visit you, the following is a very graceful form : ■JStrterp •JSanfe, J13eto STeraep, ©ttober €totmh jOraeteett«?)nnBreli=fottr, ;P:p Sear fRve. Eosct : 3rt toill fftbe me berp ffreat pleasure if pnn toill aipenB a fetal Hapei ta)tt{) me, \oi)Ue tbt tttnntrp is eitill in its sorpons antnmnal ixess. Witt pott not come out on SDimrttHap 54 Good Manners for All Occasions aftcmnnn nejrt, ana rmain until tjie follotoinff aCtwBUap TOorntnit 7 3f intleae a time4afile. let mc fenoto poor train, cio tbat ST map vatt pott at tbe station. antitipatinff pottr tominj; toit6 peat jop, 3f am CorUiallp ponrti, Eatj^ecine laneins. Observe, that it is now customary to mention the desired length of a visit and to limit it by definite days. This makes it easy for gnest and hostess to arrange for other engagements. A lady may announce the betrothal of a daughter by an informal letter sent to her friends, after this fashion : Mattemhtt Mj:tl). ;pp Hear jFtaneeB : 3r ta&e it for sranteH t{)at pon are sio ntutl) a frienH of our !)onsie!)oIlr tibat pon toill epnipatjii^e in ^Kitb'it {)ap° pincfiiii 'ai)m ^ tell pon tiint e^t j^ae insit annonnceH l)er en= sasement to fHv, ^obiarlr ^llBitoartlb' ^ man of io\iom {let fat&er anli ^ t^orouffftlp approve. ®!)ep toill not 6e mar= rieU nntil faster, iint felicitationet are in orHer. Slffettionatelp pours, eiinor ^nVti. LETTERS OF CONDOLENCE A letter of condolence should be sincere and unafifected, as well as short. Eyes dim with tears cannot pore over lengthy epistles. The letter of sympathy should be like this : J13eto gorft, Boljeraficr fSct, pear^ son joins; me in eenHina; ti)an&ti for pottr sooKness. SlSectionatelp ponrsi, Jliriam $ar6er. Good Manners and Marriage 131 Mrs. Sherwood says very truly that "the custom of giving bridal presents has grown into an outrageous abuse of a good thing." This is verified wherever people send presents be- cause they feel obliged to fulfill expectations, and when there is no love in the gift. Cut glass, silver, jewelry, furniture, bric-a-brac, clocks, lamps, vases, and rugs are appropriate wedding gifts, as are books and pictures. But when people send them grudgingly or of necessity they lose their value. One bride whom I knew in a spirit of complete indifference sent with her wedding invitations this formula engraved in a separate card: Positively no wedding presents accepted. An- other, of a different turn of mind, sent her invitations far and near, scattering them like grains of sand blown before the wind. Finally an acquaintance ventured to inquire: "Why do you send invitations to folk you scarcely know ?" "O," was the unblushing reply, "I am after the spoils. Joe and I want heaps of wedding presents !" Mary Wilkins in an amusing story has told us about a sensible New England woman who went the round of her ac- quaintances and returned the several very unsuitable presents that had been bestowed on her youthful niece, asking the givers to substitute something worth while, that the recipient could use. There is a suggestion here that is pertinent. Why bur- den a bride with things she cannot use, when you may add to her pleasure by giving her things she can enjoy? Money in the form of a gold piece or a check is a gift an old friend or a kinsman may give a bride without the slightest hesitation. She may expend it for any article she covets. It is better not to have silver marked, as a bride may have duplicates and prefer to exchange some of the set pieces sent her for others. She may have a preference also as to the style in which her silver is engraved. 132 Good Manners for All Occasions WEDDING CARDS As the shape and mode of wedding cards varies from season to season, the order for them should be sent to a stationer whose reputation is well established. They should always be white, unglazed, and of a medium thickness. The note paper on which wedding invitations are engraved must be white and of the best quality. When sent by mail, cards and invitations are inclosed in an inner and an outer envelope. A COUNTRY WEDDING Nothing is prettier in the country than a wedding in the garden, on the lawn, or in the orchard. The grass should be shorn, and swept free from leaves and debris. Rugs should be spread here and there. Little tables for refreshments may stand about, and chairs be placed in groups. A wedding in a country church, to which the wedding guests and the principal participants walk, is always very attractive. Of course, an outdoor wedding can be arranged only for warm weather. A HOME WEDDING To a home wedding the parents of the bride send out their invitations two weeks before the event, in this manner: fRv, anH fRva. JFreHeruft ®toans repeet tl^e !)onac of fRv, anU fUvs. '« pteeettte at tie marrias^ of t^eit Hans^tev ^elen ©rate to fRv. STolin KoBert JFallotais. on Cbttwirap, ^xtsnet tjiirU, at four o'tlodi, at Id Sttmmers Street. Good Manners and Marriage 133 Sometimes the invitations read, "request the honor of your presence," but at the moment the individual touch is given by leaving a blank in the engraved form in which the names of the invited guests are inserted in writing. Good manners invariably demand an immediate . reply when one is invited to a home wedding. Accept or decline at once, by letter, addressed to the persons who invite you. If, how- ever, the invitation is to a church wedding and a large subse- quent reception one's visiting card, sent on the day itself, is a sufficient acknowledgment if one cannot attend. As nobody wants a mob of strangers at her wedding, the invitation to a church wedding is accompanied by a small card, on which is printed, "Please present this card at the church on August third," or whatever be the date. Announcements are sent out after a wedding by the parents of the bride, and from this notification no one who has even the slightest acquaintance with the families of bride or groom is excluded. Here is the usual wedding announcement : iitt. anH fSixfi, SD|[)eoliare (Sttm. Itatoe tiie Jbotior of anniittnttng; to ilr. snU iitra. %a%v. ^arr t^t inamase of tgeir Uavsl^ter #flprtle to Caiitain {William Leslie. The fee is handed the clergyman by the best man, or by some friend of the bridegroom, at a convenient moment just before or just after the ceremony. It must be given very un- ostentatiously, and the minister does not examine it, but merely says "Thank you" and pockets the envelope. In passing, I may say that the fee should be inclosed in an envelope and should be either a gold piece, a check, or a new bill. Aay sum ^34 Good Manners for All Occasions that the groom can afford — from five dollars to a hundred — is given on this occasion. Often when people are poor the fee is less than five dollars. The minister is not supposed, if a married man, to keep the fee himself, as it is his wife's per- quisite and is gallantly handed over to her. Should there be two officiating clergymen a fee must be given to each. Ministers do not accept fees when marrying brother ministers. Many amusing anecdotes are told by ministers about their fees, some of which are amusingly small. At a wedding which occurred at the house of a minister in New York State the bridegroom slipped an envelope into the good man's hand as he left the house. On being opened it was found to contain a tailor's card, and on the reverse was written a promise to this effect: "I will clean and press your clothes for one year from date, without charge." A bridegroom slipped a bright silver dollar into a clergy- man's hand, with the remark, "It's all I can afford. I wish it were ten." A well-known clergyman once united a pair at a very ele- gant home, where everything, inclusive of music, supper, and decorations, was on a lavish scale. But no fee was forthcom- ing and none was ever received. Delicacy forbade his men- tioning the important omission except in the bosom of his family. When a few days later a couple came modestly to the manse to be married, what was the good minister's horror, in the very middle of the ceremony, to hear the voice of the enfant terrible of the home, whose sharp little face was suddenly thrust be- tween the folds of the portieres. "Papa!" she cried, "Papa.I Be sure they pay before they go!" Good Manners and Marriage 135 THE MARRIAGE LICENSE In different localities the usage concerning the marriage license varies. The bridegroom must inform himself on this point and duly procure the license. AS TO THE MARRIAGE CERTIFICATE The chief reason for prizing a marriage certificate is that in the future disposition of property, the probate of wills, etc., it is sometimes convenient to have it as evidence of a marriage. It should be signed by the officiating clergyman and by several witnesses. THE TWO MOTHERS At any wedding there are probably two persons present who do not monopolize attention, yet to whom the event is most pathetic, pulling at their heart-strings. One is the mother of the bride ; the other is the mother of the bridegroom. Each is relinquishing something intensely dear to her. Each is, in a way, entering on a life of new deprivation. The mother whose son is receiving the highest prize life can offer, be she ever so generous, feels a little bereft. She will not again possess her son as a member of her family, in just the fullness that has hitherto been hers. She is not jealous, yet she is wistful, wondering whether her boy will be understood and cared for and happy as he has been under her care. As for the bride's mother, her feelings are strangely com- pounded by bitterness and sweetness. She cannot be alto- gether at ease in her mind. This dear child has been to her another self. When the carriage rolls away, and the wedding festivities are over, the bride's mother may be pardoned if she wanders away to Mary's old room, and, kneeling down by Mary's bed, pours out her soul in a flood of tears. The 136 Good Manners for All Occasions first evening after the wedding is a saddened one in the home the bride leaves. A CHURCH WEDDING At a church wedding a certain number of pews are set apart and fenced in by a band of white ribbon for the family and most intimate friends of the bride and groom. As these arrive the ushers, who are at the church in good season, con- duct them to the places reserved, the kindred of the bride on one side of the aisle, and of the groom on the other. Just before the bridal party arrives the mother of the bride appears and is escorted to a front pew. The best man, the bridegroom, and the clergyman are in the front of the church under the pulpit, awaiting the bride. Up in the organ loft the wedding march begins. Enters the maid or matron of honor, walking alone. If there are both they will walk together. Then come the flower- girls, walking two by two, scattering flowers from baskets on their arms. They may or may not wear picture hats, and may or may not be dressed in pale pink, or blue, yellow, or rose- color. Follow the bridesmaids, also two by two. Last comes thg bride, with head bent and eyes downcast, her hand on the arm of her father. The bridegroom advances to meet the bride, who places her hand in his, and the ceremony proceeds. At its close the srder of movement is reversed, and bride and groom pass out first. Both look up now and meet the eyes of their rejoicing friends with happy smiles. It is not good form to congratulate the bride, but every one congratulates the groom, and gives the bride best wishes. Weddings may be as public or as private, as elaborate or as simple, as the wedded ones may choose, but they should never be clandestine. A bride should go honorably from her father's THE WEDDING BREAKFAST Good Manners and Marriage 137 house to that of her husband, and very soon after a wedding some announcement of the fact should be given to the world. A LIST OF WEDDING ANNIVERSARIES One year, a cotton wedding. Two years, a paper wedding. Three years, a leather wedding. Five years, a wooden wedding. Seven years, a woolen wedding. Ten years, a tin wedding. Twelve years, a china wedding. Fifteen years, a crystal wedding. Twenty years, a linen wedding. Twenty-.five years, a silver wedding. Fifty years, a golden wedding. Sixty years, a diamond wedding. Each anniversary of a wedding should be a family fete, and presents and good wishes are in order. Few brides and grooms survive the changes of sixty years, but many are spared to keep a golden wedding day. Vifl GOOD MANNERS IN THE FAMILY Sweet friend, when thou and I are gone Beyond earth's weary labor, When small shall be our need of grace From comrade or from neighbor; Past all the strife, the toil, the care, And done with all the sighing. What tender ruth shall we have gained, Alas! by simply dying? Then lips too chary of their praise Will tell our merits over, And eyes too swift our faults to see Shall no defect discover. Then hands that would not lift a stone Where stones were thick to cumber Our steep hill path, will scatter flowers Above our pillowed slumber. Sweet friend, perchance both thou and I, Ere Love is past forgiving. Should take the earnest lesson home — Be patient with the living. To-day's repressed rebuke may save Our blinding tears to-morrow; Then patience, e'en when keenest edge May whet a nameless sorrow! 'Tis easy to be gentle when Death's silence sh&mes our clamor, And easy to discern the best Through memory's mystic glamour; Good Manners in the Family 139 But wise it were for thee and me, Ere Love is past forgiving, To take the tender lesson home — Be patient with the living. The chief peril that menaces manners in the family lurks in the sort of familiarity that prevails there. We know one another so thoroughly and are so very sure of one another's love and good will that we do not have formality enough. We are apt to trample on the feelings of the family by too great candor. Every defect is noticed. Every blunder is observed. Every passing mood is taken in earnest. There are people who are lovely to visiting acquaintances and per- fectly abominable with their own kindred. Then, homes are often deadly dull, insipid to weariness. They are deserts of monotony. A little fun is the very best preventive against bad manners that can be imagined. Why not have games in the evening or music? In some houses, the father dozes on the lounge all the evening. The boys skip out of the house the moment supper is over. You see no more of them till a late bedtime. By and by they form unde- sirable associations — get into bad company, start on the down- hill road. It is not too much to say that fun at home would have saved many a lad from ruin. As for the girls, they can- not so easily drift outdoors, but they do not find home the sweetest place on earth. SOME PLEASANT GAMES Here are two or three easy games that may enliven a dull evening at home: THE TRAVELER'S TOUR "The traveler's tour is interesting. One of the party an- nounces himself as the traveler. He is given an empty bag, 140 Good Manners for All Occasions and counters, with numbers on, are distributed among the players. Thus, if twelve persons are playing the numbers must count up to twelve — a set of Ones to be given to one, twos to two, and so on. Then the traveler asks for informa- tion about the place to which he is going. The first person gives it if he can ; if not, the second, and so on. If the trav- eler considers it correct information or worthy of notice he takes from the person one of his counters as a pledge of the obligation he is under to him. The next person in order takes up the next question, and so on. After the traveler reaches his destination he empties his bag and sees to whom he has been indebted for the greatest amount of information. He then makes him the next traveler. Of course, this opens the door for all sorts of witty rejoinders, according as the players wish to exaggerate the claims of certain hotels, and to invent hits at certain watering places." The rhyming game is amusing: "I have a word that rhymes with game." Interlocutor. — "Is it something statesmen crave?" Speaker. — "No, it is not fame." Interlocutor. — "Is it something that goes halt?" Speaker. — "No, it is not lame." Interlocutor. — "Is it something tigers need ?" Speaker. — "No, it is not tame." Interlocutor. — "Is it something we all would like?" Speaker. — "No, it is not a good name." Interlocutor. — "Is it to shoot at duck?" Speaker. — "Yes, and that duck to maim." Such words as "nut," "thing," "fall," etc., which rhyme •asily are good choices. The two who play it must be quick- witted. Good Manners in the Family 141 CRAMBO "The game of Crambo, in which each player has to write a noun on one piece of paper, and a question on another, is curious. As, for instance, the drawer gets the word "Africa" and the question "Have you an invitation to my wedding?" He must write a poem in which he answers the question and brings in the other word." CONVERSATION IN THE FAMILY People are always wishing that they knew how to converse well. There is only one good school on earth for the art of conversation, and that school is the family. A good listener is a perfect boon, and sure to be appre- ciated. Nobody is more dreaded than the person of either sex who is known as a "great talker." The voice flowing on and on and on, like the brook that dashes and foams forever over the stones, the tendency to take the floor and hold it, the ability to say clever things, which leads one into many a pitfall, are less to be desired than deprecated. Sydney Smith, Macaulay, and other famous talkers of their day excelled in monologue, and people were thankful when even these gifted and brilliant ones had "flashes of silence." It is well to be a good talker, but also it is well to be a good listener, and to listen one must look, one must pay attention. Always look straight at the person who is addressing you. Do not allow your mind to wander. Consider what is being said. Never supply a word. Wait patiently until the person finJjj the needed word. Never tell another person's story. Never repeat the clever things you said yesterday. 142 Good Manners for All Occasions Never make long and involved explanations and apologies. Nobody is interested in these. Never, in any circumstances, venture to correct a person in the family who, in describing a situation, or telling a story, makes a slight mistake. Whether Uncle Benjamin or Aunt Sophia came home on Wednesday or on Thursday matters little. What does matter is that the lady who is announcing the fact that they are at home shall not be mortified by an unseemly interruption. Never use slang. Never drop into such expressions as Heavens! Mercy! Gracious! Goodness! My Lord! Law me! These border on profanity. Never say darn; it is a corruption of damn. Never mention anything that is disagreeable or that may wound another. Respect the innocent vanities of the man of the house, the little whims and caprices of the mistress. Never show that you have heard a story before. Stories are as old as the Garden of Eden. In one or another form they have all been told. Listen, smile, enjoy even a thrice-told tale, and do not ruin the narrator's pleasure by showing that it is not new to you. Never tell a story that is inappropriate ; a story dragged in where there is no fitness for it is like a knot of ribbon pinned anywhere on a gown. Never tell a story at all unless you know that you will not miss the point. Good stories are spoiled when told by people destitute of a sense of proportion or of humor. It goes without saying that people should sink the shop, that is, not talk of their business or profession in public. Yet any careful observer must have noticed that as it is with morals, so it is with manners: we may know perfectly well Good Manners in the Family 143 that to do such and such a thing is a breach of the social code, but if we wish to very much we are very apt to do it. A young surgeon very much disgusted some ladies of his acquaintance by his bloodthirsty (as it seemed to them) en- comiums on surgery. "The knife, the knife is the only thing !" he vehemently exclaimed, yet the young gentleman was well- taught, well-bred, and usually very polite. The most glaring fault in conversation is the bringing in of personal allusions and sneering remarks on every occasion. This is always a sign of ill breeding. To caricature the small peculiarities of anyone, to make anyone uncomfortably con- spicuous, is unpardonable. Conversation should be so managed that no one is left out, so to speak, in the cold. We do not like to sit in a circle where we are made to feel ourselves strangers, and in the family everyone, parents, children, and guests, have a right to know what the talk is about. "You may have noticed," said a lady, "that I am very silent in my own home. It is because Amy and Ida ever since they came home from college have been so critical that I am afraid to open my mouth." It is not pleasant for a mother to know that her children are sitting in judgment upon her. This leads to the reflection that it is not according to good manners for children to reprove parents. OTHER LITTLE POINTS OF FAMILY MANNERS Never take another person's chair without relinquishing it on the person's return. A lady should not cross the legs in company. A gentleman does not fidget or sit crosswise on his chair, or sit with the legs far apart. ) 144 Good Manners for All Occasions When you do not hear a remark say, "I beg pardon?" never "What?" The latter word is the Hmit of rudeness. Do not whisper in company. Do not open letters in company unless you first ask permis- sion to do so. To attract attention do not take hold of people; speak to them. Do not use your handkerchief at the table. Be sure to rise when an older person enters the room. Take great pains to include deaf persons in what is going on. They are usually sensitive and sometimes morbid, and it hurts them not to be in touch with the conversation. Never shout at a deaf person. Speak distinctly and slowly, and seat yourself near him or her. Never be ungracious. You do not know how heavy a bur- den your friend is bearing. The heart knoweth its own bitterness. Receive every attention, however small, with real gratitude which is warmly expressed. Not long ago a minister called the attention of his hearers to the warm and loving appreciation of our Lord when Mary broke her precious vase of perfume on His head. He said that to the end of time her act should be a memorial. Are we breaking our alabaster boxes for our loved ones now, or are we waiting until it may be too late to render them' any sweet service? Take special pains to be courteous to the dull, uninteresting, or uncongenial visitor. Never discriminate between your friends. Anyone invited to your home is entitled to entire courtesy. Never repeat an unkind or malicious story. Think and say the best of people. Good Manners in the Family 145 Be forgiving. If anyone has offended you meet him half- way when he expresses regret. Think before you speak. Never absent yourself from prayers in the family. HOME-COMINGS Home-comings should be made festivals. Occasionally when people have been away, having very gay times, they are sensible of flatness and of a lost savor when they return. If Sally has been in town for some weeks the first meal when she comes back should be especially nice, with something that she is fond of, and an air of gala day. Bring out the best china, use the best linen, dress the table with flowers. Coax father to wear a good coat, see that the children have clean faces and hands; (ion't let Sally find too sharp a contrast between home ways and what she has seen when away. IN THE INVALID'S CHAMBER Sickness in the family, if occasional, makes for the time serious departures necessary from the family customs. Some- body is very ill. The doctor makes several visits a day. He looks grave and concerned. A trained nurse is sent for. Ty- phoid fever, pneumonia, or some other fierce and relentless malady has a loved one in its clutch. Good manners enter into our conduct here; when the chief matter in hand is to care for the loved one the order of the day must be set aside. Meals may be hasty and less varied than usual. Never mind. No one dreams of finding fault when a precious life is hang- ing in the balance. Everyone is willing to make sacrifices if only the crisis may be safely passed, and the shadow of death lifted from the house. Good manners demand that the comfort of the nurse be 146 Good Manners for All Occasions sedulously looked after. She must have her time for sleep and for outdoor exercise, as she is not a machine, but a being of flesh and blood. Some member of the family must relieve her at intervals. The nurse, on her side, is required to be tactful and con- siderate, particularly in the kitchen. The nurse who gets on well with the help is a treasure of womanly discretion. She is not to expect compliments and attentions from the men of the family, nor is she to be unduly affronted if the mother or wife, wild with anxiety, fails to treat her as politely as she should. The nurse is a soldier on duty. She must obey the doctor as the soldier obeys his captain. Her patient is her supreme concern. Never grudge the money paid a nurse or doctor. Pay nurses' and doctors' bills with great promptness. They have earned not merely money, but gratitude. Yet physicians are frequently kept waiting almost indefinitely before their accounts are settled. The doctor is expected to rise at any hour of the night, and to sally forth in any stress of weather, if sent for. The slightest return that can be made him is to pay him without demur as soon as he sends his bill. A SHUT-IN When there is a chronic invalid in the household, one shut in to a chamber of quiet and tortured by pain, the concentrated compassion and tenderness of the family must meet around the afflicted one. Tread lightly past the door and on the floor above; hush the voice to a soft tone lest it disturb the dis- ordered nerves; and in every possible way, by every possible means, smooth the pathway of the sufferer. In robust health we do not understand the physical and mental weakness of those who are ill. Never to be ill is too Good Manners in the Family 147 often to have no sympathy with illness. If we have under the roof a dear one who needs continual ministry, let us give thanks that thus the gentler amenities of the home are culti- vated ; that thus we may display the unselfishness of the Chris- tian in our daily walk and conversation. IF THE HIRED HELP ARE ILL I have always held that the family is a whole, and that anyone employed therein does not stand on the mere footing of a clerk or a day laborer, but belongs in intimate relation to the household. Should Mary the cook or Jenny the house- maid be ill, she ought, if practicable, to be cared for in the home, with the attendance of the family physician, and with every alleviation of her discomfort that can possibly be afforded. In the old days of the South, when the mistress of a planta- tion was as a mother to the colored people, indoors and out, every woman had at hand her medicine chest, and if Aunt Sue or Uncle Billy was ailing remedies were sent or given at once, the lady of the manor herself the presiding genius at the bedside. Too often the ailing domestic is hurried away in our present routine, and we are reluctant to be in any way responsible for her if illness comes. GOOD MANNERS BETWEEN PARLOR AND KITCHEN Only as friendship exists and reigns between the parlor and the kitchen will the never-ceasing troubles of the servant question cease to breed disturbance. An utter lack of mutual respect and mutual comprehension, the failure of the mistress to be fair, the failure of the maid to be thorough, have brought American domestic service to disgrace. Few nice and Intel- 148 Good Manners for All Occasions ligent women choose the kitchen as their sphere when they can find work anywhere else. Nine women out of ten revile and underrate their maids of all work, speaking of them slightingly. Suspicion on one side and dislike on the other is productive of hostility. If good manners are needed anywhere on the globe they are needed here, so that our homes may not be battlegrounds, and the women who take our wages and eat our bread may not be our foes. Why should they not be as they ought, our trusted helpers and our dear and intimate friends, standing beside the family in all vicissitudes, its champions through thick and thin. Says Lillian W. Betts, with her accustomed emphasis and good sense: "Housekeepers do not make the demand for character that they should in the servants they employ. The servant comes into the closest relations to the family. Her character is as important to the family well-being as her skill, yet the first question of the housekeeper employer is on the coming serv- ant's — we cannot say applicant's, for we have the sad picture of the employer always being the applicant — ability to do and not to be, which is by far the least important question. Every- one who knows how to run a house knows that a servant who has character and intelligence can be trained, while the serv- ant who is skillful and lacks character is always a disturbing element; there is constant friction because of lack of confi- dence or untrustworthiness. There can be no stability in the family life if there is always the element of uncertainty as to how long the relations between mistress and maid will con- tinue at its present status. "The employer who sees only present conditions when making a contract or business connection is short-sighted. Good Manners in the Family 149 and never makes a success. It is far better to meet emergen- cies by transitory arrangements from day to day than to go through the farce of making a seemingly permanent arrange- ment when there is no solid foundation of confidence based on investigation. "The woman who employs one maid of all work and then demands that she be a superior cook, laundress, waitress, par- lor maid, and chambermaid is an impossible mistress to suit. The housekeeper who, on being interviewed in the character of a reference as to the abilities of a maidservant who had been in her employ for some time was asked the question, 'Is she a first-class waitress?' and responded, 'No. She does chamber work. You didn't expect a first-class waitress to do chamber work ?' was the reply of the mistress who knew what to demand and what to expect. "It is just this lack of worldly experience that is responsible for the constant friction and resulting pain in domestic serv- ice. Servants are untrained because of the varying standards of employers, and ignorance of what are the duties pertain- ing to certain domestic positions. The lessons to be learned in order to adjust the domestic problem are as much a duty of the mistress as of the maid. What we want is character for both, a clear comprehension of the duties of both, a rec- ognition of the purely commercial relation under the most complex conditions — conditions that involve intimacies that are only second to those of relatives — interdependence that is as close, if harmony is to be preserved, as family life can make it. Yet the bond, in all but rare instances, is that of dollars and cents. There are evils in the situation that only the mistress, by creating public sentiment, can remedy. "Take the first evil, the sleeping room of the servant. It is usually the hottest and the coldest room in the house, too 150 Good Manners for All Occasions often uncomfortably furnished. The bathing facilities are usually a two-quart basin, and yet cleanliness is exacted. The kitchen and servants' rooms in even first-class apartment houses are tangible evidence of the consideration given to the comforts of servants. One apartment house recently erected in New York, costing three hundred and fifty thousand dol- lars, has every kitchen and servant's room so arranged as to require gaslight all day long on even bright days, below the sixth story. One would not expect one's horse to live under such conditions and preserve health and temper." We are beginning to realize that servants are human; that they need daily sunshine, a daily walk, and their evenings free when the day's work is done. They should not be called on for trifling services, or kept sitting in the kitchen in forlorn dullness until bedtime. A GENTLEMAN I knew him for a gentleman By signs that never fail ; His coat was rough and rather worn. His cheeks were thin and pale — A lad who had his way to make. With little time for play ; I knew him for a gentleman By certain signs to-day. He met his mother on the street; Off came his little cap. My door was shut; he waited there Until I heard his rap. He took the bundle from my hand. And when I dropped my pen, He sprang to pick it up for me — This gentleman of ten. Good Manners in the Family 151 He does not push and crowd along; His voice is gently pitched; He does not fling his books about As if he were bewitched. He stands aside to let you pass; He always shuts the door; He runs on errands willingly To forge and mill and store. He thinks of you before himself, He serves you if he can ; For, in whatever company, The manners make the man. At ten or forty, 'tis the same ; The manner tells the tale. And I discern the gentleman By signs that never fail. SOME SUGGESTIONS ABOUT DRESS Fashions change with the changing seasons, and every gen- eration sees a return to the fashions of a former time. It is interesting to study and choose the COLORS THAT CONTRAST AND HARMONIZE. The object of two or more different tints in dress is to obtain relief by variety, and yet the two shades brought thus in contrast should harmonize, else the beauty of each will be lessened. Thus, a lady with a blue dress would greatly injure its effect by wearing a crimson shawl; as she would also a lilac-colored dress by trimming it with a dark brown. That the reader may understand the colors that will contrast and yet blend, the following list of harmonizing colors is given : Blue and gold; blue and orange; blue and salmon color; blue and drab ; blue and stone color ; blue and white ; blue and gray; blue and straw color; blue and maize; blue and chest- 152 Good Manners for All Occasions nut, blue and brown; blue and black; blue and white; blue, brown, crimson, and gold. Black and white ; black and orange ; black and maize ; black and scarlet; black and lilac; black and pink; black and slate color ; black and buff, black, white, yellow, and crimson ; black, orange, blue, and yellow. Crimson and gold ; crimson and orange ; crimson and maize ; crimson and purple; crimson and black; crimson and drab. Green and gold; green and yellow; green and orange; green and crimson ; green, crimson, and yellow ; green, scarlet, and yellow. Lilac and gold ; lilac and maize ; lilac and cherry ; lilac and scarlet ; lilac and crimson ; lilac, scarlet, white, and black ; lilac, gold, and chestnut ; lilac, yellow, scarlet, and white. Orange and chestnut ; orange and brown ; orange, lilac, and crimson; orange, red, and green; orange, blue and crimson; orange, purple, and scarlet; orange, blue, scarlet, green, and white. Purple and gold; purple and orange; purple and maize; purple, scarlet, and gold color ; purple, white, and scarlet ; pur- ple, orange, blue, and scarlet ; purple, scarlet, blue, yellow, and black. Red and gold ; red, white or gray ; red, green, and orange ; red, black, and yellow ; red, yellow, black, and white. Scarlet and purple; scarlet and orange; scarlet and blue; scarlet and slate color ; scarlet, black and white ; scarlet, white and blue; scarlet, gray, and blue; scarlet, yellow, and blue; scarlet, blue, yellow, and black. Yellozv and red; yellow and brown; yellow and chestnut; yellow and violet ; yellow and blue ; yellow and purple ; yellow and crimson; yellow and black; yellow, purple, and crimson; yellow and scarlet. Good Manners in the Family 153 A BOVS DRESS Give the boy a good suit of clothes if you wish him to appear manly. An ill-fitting, bad-looking garment destroys a boy's respect for himself. To require the boy to wear men's cast-off clothing, and go shambling around in a large pair of boots, and then expect him to have good manners, is like giving him the poorest of tools, because he is a boy, and then expecting him to do as fine work with them as a man would with good tools. Like the man or woman, the boy respects himself, and will do much more honor to his parents, when he is well-dressed in a neatly fitting suit of clothes. Even his mother should .re- linquish her rights, and let the barber cut his hair. As a rule, well-dressed children exhibit better conduct than children that are careless in personal appearance, i^hile vanity should be guarded against, children should be encouraged to be neat in person and dress. 3 The mother should strive also to make her boy manly. Pos- sibly, as a pet, her boy has in infancy had his hair curled. Even now, when he is six or eight years of age, the curls look very pretty. But the mother must forego her further pleasure in the curls; for the boy, to take his place along with the others, to run and jump, to grow manly and strong, must wear short hair. His mother can no longer dress it like a girl's. It will be necessary and best to cut off his curls. HINTS TO WOMEN Best taste will dictate an observance of fashion, avoiding extremes. Dress the hair so that it will exhibit variety and relief, with- out making the forehead look too high. 154 Good Manners for All Occasions Have one pronounced color in the dress, all other colors harmonizing with that. A dress should fit the form. Well fitted and judiciously trimmed, a calico dress is handsomer than an ill-fitting silk dress. To present a handsome appearance, all the appurtenances of the lady's dress should be scrupulously neat and clean. Every article that is designed to be white should be a pure white, and in perfect order. Much taste may be displayed in dress about the neck, and care should be observed not to use trimmings that will enlarge the appearance of the shoulders. The dress should be close- fitting about the waist and shoulders, though the lady should not lace too tightly. As with the gentleman, quiet colors are usually in best taste. Heavy, rich, dark materials best suit the woman of tall figure ; while light, full draperies should be worn only by those of slender proportions. Short persons should beware of wearing flounces, or horizontal trimmings that will break the perpendic- ular lines, as the effect is to make them appear shorter. Care should be taken to dress according to the age, the sea- son, the employment, and the occasion. As a rule, a woman appears her loveliest when, in a dress of dark color, we see her with the rosy complexion of health, her hair dressed neatly, her throat and neck tastefully cared for, her dress in neither extreme of fashion, while the whole is relieved by a very mod- erate amount of carefully selected jewelry. IX GOOD MANNERS IN HOSPITALITY (RECEPTION^ LUNCHEONS, ETC.) No home exists simply for itself. One of the best reasons for having a home is that we may draw into it from time to time people whom we love, who bring to us their brightness and charm, and to whom we may give pleasure and gladness by the way. If we limit the privileges of the home to our- selves and our children we inevitably grow narrow, and our graces are dwarfed and nipped in the bud. In the crowded quarters of the usual city home it is at present rather hard to make room for the guest chamber, which once was provided for in every house. Where people live in apartments, and every inch of space is mortgaged, they can- not well give up a whole room to the transient comer, be that comer a relative or a friend, and so the old-fashioned hospi- tality is, in town, a thing of the past. Fortunately, the guest chamber is still a feature in the coun- try, not only in beautiful country homes which are springing up everywhere for city people, but also in farmhouses and village life, where there are yet rooms enough and to spare for the family comfort. ' THE GUEST CHAMBER Granted that we have a guest chamber: what are its essen- tials? First and foremost, a good and comfortable bed with spring, mattress, and pillows complete. The bed should be provided with the finest sheets of linen or cotton, as the hostess 156 Good Manners for All Occasions prefers, and should always be spread with a soft blanket and counterpane and an extra quilt folded over the foot. In making the bed pains should be taken to fold the sheets well in at the foot of the bed, as nothing is more uncomfortable than to have sheets slip up in the night. The blanket should be put on the bed with the folded part at the bottom, so that half of it may be thrown aside if desired. If there are large and showy pillows for the daytime they should be laid aside at night and replaced by smaller ones. Some housekeepers like to have very beautiful spreads of satin and lace on their beds, and some like a round bolster by day which is covered by the elaborate spread. When this is used the bolster is always taken off at night, and its place taken by comfortable pillows. The guest must never have the care of any of this finery, but the maid or some member of the family must go to the guest room early in the evening, remove everything necessary, and turn down the bed so that it will be ready for the sleeper. Among the other necessary furniture of a guest room are a washstand fitted out with every convenience, plenty of towels, including bath towel and wash cloth, delicate toilet soap, a dressing bureau in which there should be two or three drawers left vacant for the guest's use, a comfortable rocking-chair, and a table or desk fitted out with stationery, pens, note paper, and postage stamps. On the dressing bureau should be comb, brush, and hand glass, with pins, button hook, and any little thing a guest may need. It is a good plan to have also for the guest's use some sort of bath robe or kimono which she may like to utilize in going to the bath room. In some homes no provision is made for the toilet of the guest in the guest chamber, and she is expected to take her turn in the family bath room. When this is the case pains Good Manners in Hospitality 157 should be taken to notify her when the coast is clear, and to leave her sufficient time to perform her ablutions and do whatever she wishes without interference or interruption on the part of the family. The great necessity of the guest chamber is comfort. If there is entire comfort there will certainly be luxury. Children in the household should not be permitted to invade the guest's room at their pleasure, nor should anyone disturb a guest's privacy when she is in her room, as for the time being it is her independent domain. GOOD MANNERS FOR THE GUEST A guest should not feel that she must claim the entire time of her hostess. In many families a guest is allowed to take care of herself, write her letters, and, in short, do whatever she pleases between breakfast and luncheon, during which hours her hostess is free to settle her own affairs, attend to her housekeeping, and go on precisely as if no guest were under her roof. The cardinal point of good manners, so far as the guest is concerned, is to arrive when she is expected. Having promised a visit, she is not justified in breaking her engagement for any trivial reason. Nothing is more provoking and vexatious than at the last moment, when every arrangement has been made to receive a guest, to have her telegraph or write that she can- not come. For instance, Mrs. B. has invited Mrs. C. to visit her at a given time. In order to be entirely ready for her friend, Mrs. B. has deferred the coming of her dressmaker, whom she cannot always easily procure. Mr. B. has pur- chased tickets for himself, wife, and friend, to several pleasant evening affairs, for which the extra ticket would not have been thought of but for the coming of the guest. A good deal of iS8 Good Manners for All Occasions extra care has been given to the house to make it bright and shining, and to have every cobweb swept away, every bit of silver polished, and everything done that the hostess may be at leisure when the guest arrives. No doubt there has been extra cooking, and an extra laying in of supplies, and, in short, the house has been made ready and all plans have been in abeyance in order that the beloved friend may be received with due honor and courtesy. If at the last moment she disappoints the family she incurs the reproach of being an ill-bred and inconsiderate woman. The guest should take pains to be pleased with whatever is arranged for her amusement and delight. If trips and ex- cursions have been arranged, or friends invited to meet her, she should enter into the spirit of every occasion with real zest. It should be her pleasure to appear punctually at meals, as in some families it is embarrassing to have people coming late to breakfast or luncheon, particularly in homes where only one maid is kept or where the mistress of the house does her own work. Everything may be disarranged if people are not prompt and punctual in meeting the usual engagements of the day. At times the agreeable guest effaces herself and retires to her own quarters, as in most households the family sometimes desires to be by itself. Should any little friction arise between members of the family a guest must by no means take sides, but must be conveniently deaf and blind to the fact that any- thing unpleasant is occurring. When a guest leaves a home she should never by word or look, or allusion, reveal anything concerning its privacy. Mrs. Florence Howe Hall in her excellent book on Sociai Customs speaks of one custom which has come in with regard to the behavior of children in the family. It is so much to the Good Manners in Hospitality 159 point that I think I will quote it, because a guest may be made most uncomfortable if the children in the house are ill trained and behave like little savages: CHILDREN AT THE TABLE "The old rule was to help children after the grown people, and the youngest child last; but a more modern and humane way is to help little children first, if they are present at table. Girls should be helped before boys, just as ladies should be invariably served before gentlemen. Thus all the ladies of the house should be helped before any of the gentlemen are served, even if among the latter there may be some distin- guished guest. "While children should be accustomed to great punctuality at meals, they should not be allowed to hurry and annoy their elders by their own impatience and desire to get through. Children who are of this impatient turn of mind sometimes make everyone else uncomfortable through an entire meal, constantly complaining that they shall be late to school, or that they will have no time to play, etc. They tip their chairs, jump up and down on their seats, brandish their napkins, and lament the time that is lost in removing the crumbs — all to the great annoyance of everyone else at table. "It is certainly a breach of etiquette to ask what kind of dessert there is to be, before it appears on the table; but it is one that is often forgiven to children, as it is hard for them to sit for a long time and then see some dish appear that they especially dislike. "While children should be brought up for the most part on plain, substantial food, they ought also to be taught as they grow older to eat different kinds of food, and to overcome the prejudice of extreme youth against tomatoes and other vege- i6o Good Manners for All Occasions tables, oysters, etc. It is a small misfortune in this life not to be able to eat what other people do; not only does it make the fastidious person uncomfortable, but it grieves or mortifies his hosts to find that they have provided nothing that he can eat. "Of course, a thoroughly well-bred person will make no complaints under these circumstances, or allude in any way to his dislike of the food before him; he will be content with something else that is on the table, or console himself with the next course. "Children should be especially cautioned, when they are about to dine away from home, not to ask for what is not upon the table, like the Southern children who cried out in amaze- ment, 'Where is the rice?' — a dish to which they had always been accustomed at home; or like those other very exact in- fants who asked, 'Is this homemade sponge cake, or baker's — because we are not allowed to eat baker's,' etc. Of course a considerate hostess who entertains children will inquire care- fully about their tastes, and what they are allowed to eat at home." RECEPTIONS There are many ways of showing special honor to a guest. In order that all one's friends may have the opportunity to meet some pleasant person who is visiting her, a hostess often issues invitations to a reception. If it is to be a very formal reception in the evening the invitations may be engraved. In this case they would take this form: ;JHr. anB fSivs. STobn WAx ^t ^onte SCJjnMlrap, ^Tanttarp jFourt!), jFrora eiffjt till eleijcti o'tlorit. 72 Clatmtont Slbe., ^rooklpn, JB. p. Good Manners in Hospitality i6i This invitation should be sent to all friends of the family, and music should be provided, to be played at intervals during the evening, and a table ought to be set with dainty refreshments for the entertainment of the guests. At such a reception host- ess and guests would wear evening dress as a matter of course. A more usual and pleasanter form of reception is given in the afternoon. The invitations are issued only in the name of the lady of the house, and it is quite proper for her to send simply her visiting card with "From four to six" written upon it, and the words, "To meet Miss Jane Clay," or "Mrs. Elbert Potter," as may be. The person receiving such an invitation does not have to send any acknowledgment, but should she be unable to attend the reception she will send her card, so that it may be received by mail on the day and hour.' The hostess with the guest of honor will stand near the door of the drawing-room. If the reception is very large guests will be announced as they enter by the butler, if there is one, or else by a man hired for the purpose. Caterers who provide luncheons and spreads for receptions also provide men to open carriage doors, open the street door and close it after guests arriving and departing, and to announce guests at the door of the drawing-room. The hostess gives her hand to the incom- ing visitor and presents her to the guest of honor. The visitor exchanges a few words of greeting and pleasantry, and then passes on into the room where young ladies preside at either end of a beautifully set table. The refreshments usually con- sist of dainty sandwiches, salad, perhaps creamed oysters or chicken, bouillon, chocolate or coffee or lemonade. A very delicious lemonade is made by the addition of ginger ale to the lemon juice, a few sprigs of mint being added to give a pleasant favor. i62 Good Manners for All Occasions Guests do not linger long at a reception, from twenty min- utes to a half hour being the usual time. Afternoon teas are, less formal, and require less preparation than receptions. The only provision for an afternoon tea is the tea itself, with thin slices of bread and butter, thin biscuits and cake. In many households it is the custom to have after- noon tea always at five o'clock, and any friends of the family dropping in are sure of finding it then. The custom comes from England, where it is well-nigh universal. It may be noted here that everybody does not know how to make good tea. In the first place, the tea itself should be of the very best quality. Nothing is worse than cheap tea. Costly tea is really not more expensive than a cheap variety, because a little of it goes a long way. To make good tea the water must itself be freshly boiled. The water should be poured on the tea, and it should draw for only two or three minutes before it is poured. It may be served with slices of lemon or with cream and sugar, as the tea drinkers prefer. All the tea equipment should be dainty ; one's prettiest cups and saucers, one's nicest tea, all are in order for this function, which should be strictly informal. I well remember a good country hostess with whom I once spent a summer. If I had been out for the afternoon and came in about four o'clock she would say, "I have your tea on boil- ing," and the house would be filled with the fragrant odor, growing stronger and stronger until tea for the family was announced at five o'clock, when the beverage of exceeding strength was poured out for the family and myself. It is needless to say that tea made in this way is enough to wreck the nerves of the strongest. In providing bread and butter for afternoon tea be sure that it is cut to an extreme thinness, and neatly spread. It Good Manners in Hospitality 163 should then be arranged like a sandwich, with the crusts re- moved. A great many nice kinds of sandwiches may vary afternoon tea. They may be made of brown bread and cream cheese, of various meats, or a leaf of lettuce with mayonnaise laid between the bread and butter may furnish a pleasant variety. Some years ago a friend of mine who had been for a good while in seclusion, owing to successive deaths in her family, accepted an invitation to an evening reception. At the time she had been much in society it was customary for women to wear very elaborate toilettes to every social affair. So she dressed according to her old ideas, and found herself, to her dismay, very much overdressed. This is as disagreeable as to be too little dressed. Her husband, who was with her and was rather sensitive on the subject, observed, "Haven't you made a great mistake? You really are more dressed than the hostess." "Yes," remarked my friend. "I see that I have made a mistake, but I do not mean to let it mar my enjoymerft. It was not intended, and in the light of eternity it will make very little difference what dress I wore at Mrs. 's reception to-day." Not many people could be quite so philosophical, but it is a good plan not to worry over trifles, and if our dress happens not to be quite right, let us reflect that nobody is quite so much concerned about it as we are ourselves. A tailor-made gown or a handsome street dress of any kind is always the proper thing to wear to a reception or an after- noon tea, while those fortunate people who have many cos- tumes may, if they choose, vary their toilettes as often as they like. I once heard a man say : "When I was hoping to find a wife 164 Good Manners for All Occasions and was not yet in love I took pains to look at different girls whom I saw as I went about. I determined to avoid those who seemed to have such numbers of clothes that I thought they must spend their whole time in this one occupation of providing different dresses." It is an open question whether or not this man may not have been a little parsimonious, yet it is folly to multiply one's gowns. In going on a visit it is well to be pirovided with some pretty dresses for each possible occasion. Yet one should not forego a pleasant visit because she thinks her wardrobe is rather limited. If one happen to have a trouble or trial in the background of one's mind or one's home, that is not to be carried into society. A gloomy face is not excusable in general company. We have no right to cloud the general gayety by our melan- choly feelings, and for this reason among others, if it is im- possible for us to control our sadness, we should stay apart from others until we can do so. Among the pleasantest functions at present in vogue that of the house-party takes the highest place. Of course, no one can give a house-party who has not, to begin with, a house large enough to accommodate a number of guests. Not long since a lady living at the seaside invited fourteen of her young daughter's college chums to spend a week with her in a summer vacation. To accommodate comfortably fif- teen girls required, of course, a number of rooms, though presumably, in this case, several girls were willing to room together. A house-party may consist of two or three married couples who are in the same set and known to one another, or it may bring together several engaged couples, or perhaps two or Good Manners in Hospitality 165 three families of the kith and kin. At Thanksgiving and Christmas hospitalities often consist of members of the clan who have come from great distances that they may be to- gether under one roof at the happy time. In arranging a house-party try to get congenial people. A number of people who dislike each other, or who have little in common, would lie with heavy weights upon the hands of host and hostess. Whatever be the form of amusement chosen, let it be something that people generally can enjoy together. If you live in the mountains you may enjoy driving and provide that for your guests as your chief recreation. In these days nearly everybody plays golf and tennis, so that the tennis ground or the golf links will furnish delightful employment. On the shore the main thing is to have boats and facilities for bathing. Give the guests plenty of time to themselves, and let them follow out their own pursuits. If you desire to bring into your house-party some of the people in the neigh- borhood, they may be invited to a lawn party for the after- noon. The hours for this are usually from five to seven, and guests gather on the veranda and the lawn, and group them- . selves around small tables where tea and other refreshments are served. A garden party or a lawn party, being given in summer, allows a great deal of latitude for beautiful dresses. If you wish to follow the latest fashion you may ask your guests at night whether they would not like breakfast served in their rooms. Should they prefer this a simple meal, usually coffee and rolls, may be sent them. It is not now the custom to serve heavy American breakfasts in rooms. In our country, though, unless people are invalids, they prefer to go to the family breakfast table. Breakfast at a house-party is always l66 Good Manners for All Occasions somewhat informal, and need not be very heavy or elaborate; the table, however, should be prettily set, so that it may pre- sent an attractive appearance. The true charm of a house-party lies in a sincere welcome, in gentle manners, and the art to make everyone at ease and at her best X GOOD MANNERS IN ENTERTAINING Naturally when we think of entertaining friends we ex- pect to give them something to eat. The equivalent of the Arab's bread and salt, of Abraham's fatted calf and Sarah's kneaded measures of meal, is the modern dinner. Treat a man with hospitality and distinction, and you invite him to dinner. Treat a man to churlish parsimony, and you can do so no better than by closing your doors against him and re- fusing to share with him your loaf and cup. When Robert coming home at night brings a man from town, an old classmate, or a business man whom he wishes to impress agreeably, he is fortunate if Emily be the kind of wife whose welcome is always cordial. The true test of gracious housekeeping is in the ability to receive unexpected guests with graceful and gracious kindness, setting before them with- out apology the very best the house affords. When people are invited one takes trouble for them and endeavors to give them a meal that shall have the flavor of a banquet and linger in memory like a perfume. To give a formal dinner requires care, forethought, a deep purse, good management, and large store of beautiful china. Gone are the days of simplicity Jn the matter of SETTING A TABLE The place plates alone in a modern home with any claim to be thought fashionable may easily cost a hundred dollars a i68 Good Manners for All Occasions dozen. Very exquisite place plates may be bought for a quar- ter of that sum, it is true. But that single item gives the clue to the extravagance of much twentieth century table furnishing. The place plates are supposed to stand under the soup plates, and under any course where it is desired to have them. They often are used at dessert as well as in the beginning of a meal. A dinner served in course consists of soup, fish, roast, salad, and dessert. These are the indispensable courses. A ceremonious dinner, however, probably begins with a tiny bit of caviare on a tiny bit of toast. This is succeeded by fruit: melons, peaches, strawberries, or grape fruit may be served for this course. The fruit must be in perfection, must have been on the ice, must itself tempt the eye as well as the palate. Next, served on a bed of crushed ice, with silver forks that come on purpose, will be a course of oysters or small clams on the half shell. Oyster plates with hollows for the shell come for this course. Succeeding the oysters we have a delicate clear soup. The hostess may serve it from a silver tureen, or it may be brought in on soup plates and set before the individual guests. Next follows fish. This may be served by the host, or it may be arranged in a dainty mince and served in shells to the separate guests. If the former way is chosen, potatoes very daintily cooked may accompany it. During an entire dinner olives, salted almonds, radishes, and similar relishes may be passed. These are the only articles of food on the table when guests take their seats. After the fish there may be an entree or two of some deli- cate dish, but the roast is now the proper thing in order. It may be turkey, beef, mutton, or lamb. Whatever it is, the host may carve it, if he please, and the waiter receive the portions Good Manners in Entertaining 169 from him and carry them to the guests. In many houses the lady of the house is first served, and next the guest of honor, who is the lady at the right of the host. Ladies are helped before gentlemen. The carving is often done in the kitchen, or the butler's pantry, the host being altogether relieved from this duty. With the roast several vegetables are served. A salad follows the roast, and with the salad cheese and small crackers are served. The dessert follows the salad, and black coffee concludes the repast. A dinner of this kind should be served in very leisurely style. No fuss, no hurry, above all no noise or con- fusion must characterize a ceremonious dinner. The dessert usually consists of tarts, ices, fruit, and bon- bons. Frequently there is a final course, after the sweets, consisting of cheese and toasted crackers. Invited to dinner, one accepts or declines immediately. Good manners forbid delay in responding to a dinner invitation. Good manners ordain that only extreme illness or a great calamity in one's family or affecting one's own person shall permit one to break a dinner engagement. If one necessarily falls out of a dinner party, and the place at the last moment has to be supplied, a very intimate . friend or a neighbor may be requested to take the vacant place, but the circumstances must be explained, and the agreement to help the hostess out at the eleventh hour constitutes a real social favor. Children never come in at a ceremonious dinner. Very oc- casionally they are permitted to enter the room at dessert, but as generally the hour is far beyond their bedtime this is in doubtful taste. The hostess personally supervises the arrangement of her 170 Good Manners for All Occasions dinner table, sees that the candles in their silken shades are ready, candle light being preferred to garish gas, that the flow- ers are fresh and the color scheme she has chosen carried out, and that her cut glass, silver, and china are all as they should be. Relays of plates must be at hand in the butler's pantry, and all the spoons and forks necessary must be laid out there. In setting the table the spoons for soup, dessert, and coffee are arranged at the top of the plate; the knife and forks — the latter of several sizes — are placed on the left hand, and the small plate for bread, olives, etc., is on the right hand. In eating one takes first the small oyster fork for that course, and when that is taken away uses the next in order. Should a guest be in doubt what to do, the rule is to glance at the hostess and adopt her method, whatever it may be. The waitress must pass ever3rthing on the left hand. At most dinners the dishes are all passed and the guests help themselves. The good old-fashioned way in which host and hostess heaped the plates of guests is supplanted by the modern custom indicated above. At each place there is a card on which the guest's name is written. This facilitates the seating of guests, and conveys an implied compliment. Beside each plate is a napkin folded squarely and of sufficient size to be a real protection to a guest's dress. Gentlemen do not tuck the napkin into the vest. They let it lie upon the knees. After a meal it is not good form to fold a napkin. Leave it loosely beside your plate. Butter is not served at a formal dinner. Bread is placed beside the plate. Good Manners in Entertaining 171 THE PROCESSION TO DINNER At a formal dinner the guests may not enter in a promiscti- ous, go-as-you-please, happy-go-lucky manner. The hostess has carefully arranged her people, so that her company may be a success. She selects the guest of honor with exceeding care. The host gives his arm to this lady, and they lead the way, the lady being seated on the right of her host. After them come the other couples as the hostess has planned. She has dropped a word to each man indicating the lady whom he shall escort to dinner. She herself brings up the rear with the guest who will sit on her right. The strict rule for dinner is that evening dress shall be worn, which means for a lady a low neck and short or elbow sleeves, and for a gentleman a dress coat and its accompanying trou- sers, vest and tie of regulation cut and color. But so long as a rich and elegant dress is worn some modification of the above may not be amiss. Elderly women do not always care to expose their necks and arms; some women prefer always to veil theirs with lace or chiifon ; and some men, if not young and fashionable, refuse to wear dress clothes and prefer a frock coat. One's best toilette, one's best mood, one's best temper, one's best talk, are in order when one goes out to dine, or gives a dinner at home. THE TABLE TALK At dinner the talk should be sprightly and vivacious. Heated discussions are to be avoided ; therefore it is well that politics be omitted, and questions involving wide and emphatic differ- ences of opinion, such as capital and labor. Personalities are never in order, and it is wise to avoid talk about the absent, unless something kind can be said. The 172 Good Manners for All Occasions conversation is sometimes general ; sometimes it falls into low- toned dialogue, but it must be cheery, blithe, and always genial and kind. It is INCUMBENT ON DINNER GUESTS to be prompt. A tardy guest is a great trial to a host and hostess. One need not arrive too early, but, on the other hand, one must not be even five minutes late. The dinner hour is always mentioned in the invitation, and the excellence of the courses depends on their being served at precisely the right moment. The temper of the cook, of the hostess, and of every- body concerned is exasperated by a tardy and inconsequent person who delays a dinner, and rushes in with apologies when the soup is growing cold. Arrive a few minutes before the hour, as it is customary for guests to assemble in the drawing-room, greet their host and each other, and proceed together to the table. A guest who is prevented by circumstances beyond his con- trol from reaching the house on time takes his place unob- trusively, with a word of excuse to his hostess, and goes on with the dinner at whatever stage it happens to be. At the table it is a guest's privilege quietly to pass any course, if he chooses, but the guest should allow most courses to be placed before him or her even if they are merely trifled with. Good manners would be violated should a guest express dislike to any dish, or, worst of all, explain that it disagreed with his digestion. If on a diet, do not, as I have known an ill-bred person to do, expatiate on it and its good effects. I knew a man who always carried a certain bread with him proclaiming at every dinner table that he could eat no other. It is hardly excusable, unless there is an excellent reason for Good Manners in Entertaining 173 doing so, to rush away in hot haste the instant dinner is over. Tarry for twenty minutes or a half hour in the drawing-room before you go. On withdrawing, take leave of your host and hostess, and express your thanks for a very pleasant time. It is not neces- sary to be gushing, but you must not be chary of thanks to the hostess, not the host. The lady of the house has been at all the trouble, and is the queen of the hour. Do not take a formal leave of the other guests. If you choose you may wish them a general good-night. THE TABLE UNEN At every formal dinner the table linen should be of the finest; the napkins large, and the centerpiece, doilies, etc., the prettiest you can afford. Though all this has been said about a very ceremonious dinner, it need not debar one from often having one's friends seated around her table. A LITTLE DINNER A little dinner that one can easily afford may give as much genuine pleasure as the sort of dinner the President serves on state occasions in the White House. For example, Mr. and Mrs. Pinehurst wish to show a pleas- ant attention to Mr. and Mrs. Payne, who are newly married, and have come to live in the neighborhood. They ask them to come to dinner on a certain evening at seven o'clock. To meet them they ask two other couples. Eight is a very convenient number for a little dinner. The dinner begins with grape fruit, cut in halves, the pulp taken out, put back, and sweetened. A preserved strawberry or a cherry may be placed in each grape fruit. A half is enough for each plate. 174 Good Manners for All Occasions The soup may be homemade; cream of celery or tomato bisque is delicate and appetizing. Roast chicken may follow, with two well-cooked vegetables. Salad, of lettuce, with French dressing, which is a dressing of vinegar, oil, pepper, and salt, or of chopped apples and celery with a mayonnaise dressing, accompanied by crackers and cheese, comes next. Then, offer your dessert, which may be a prune puff with whipped cream, or sponge cake and sliced oranges, or an apple tart, or a mince pie. Last of all, have strong black coffee, served in small cups. If the ordinary family dinner is served in courses, and if soup frequently forms part of it, a single maid will easily prepare and serve a dinner like the one just mentioned. If there is no maid and the lady herself prepares the dinner she will have to get her salad and dessert ready in the morning. The guests must wait on themselves, and the absence of for- mality will make the occasion very agreeable. It will be easier for a lady alone, if she can engage some one from outside to change plates and cups and wash dishes, but if there is no one attainable her husband will not demean himself by rendering every assistance in his power. Beautiful and costly glass and silver enhance a feast, but they are not needed. Plain white china and pressed glass with a welcome are good enough for anybody. A visiting foreigner once had the honor to dine with the poet Whittier. The dinner was a plain New England meal, with excellent home cooking. It was simply served. A youth- ful cousin of the poet rose when there was occasion, changed plates, and brought on dessert and coffee. The guest, with doubtful tact, displayed some embarrassment at being waited upon by a gentlewoman. But the poet set him at his ease. "It is our homely custom," he said, "to be graciously served Good Manners in Entertaining 175 by our young girls. The daughters of our households do not feel demeaned by this." In the mountains of our own South, where life is very sim- ple, I have seen the women of the house, the mistress ex- cepted, refuse to sit down at all, while a generous supper of fried chicken, succotash, green peas, roasted sweet potatoes, hot biscuits and honey, coffee and cream were served to ap- preciative guests who ate with hungry appetites. A LADIES* LUNCHEON One of the prettiest forms of hospitality is a ladies* luncheon. Mrs. Caroline Benedict Burrell says, "To give a luncheon is to indulge one's self in the most charming and satisfying form of entertainment." This is true, for a luncheon may be very elaborate or very simple as one chooses. It is never stately or formal. A few months ago the young women, married and single, of a suburban village near New York formed themselves into two luncheon clubs, meeting fortnightly at each other's homes. One frugal set gave what they styled "poverty luncheons." They were strictly limited as to the amount they might spend, each vying with the other to give the most delightful luncheon to six or eight persons at a minimum cost. Three dollars was the outside sum allowed for the entire function. Very nice luncheons indeed were served by the enterprising hostesses, who claimed that their parties were just as nice as those of their neighbors who proudly gave "millionaire luncheons," costing whatever the givers chose to spend for them. Invited to luncheon a lady does not remove her bonnet, nor her gloves until she is seated at the table. Flowers decorate the middle of the table. If this is a handsome table of pol- ished mahogany or oak it is left bare, except for a dainty 176 Good Manners for All Occasions centerpiece. Lace or embroidered doilies are at each place, and the silver and china are as elegant as the house affords. Among menus which are appropriate at a ladies' luncheon are: Strawberries (served whole with powdered sugar), cream of asparagus soup, lamb chops with green peas and potatoes French fried, hot rolls, lettuce salad, ice cream, coffee; or. Bouillon, creamed salmon, broiled chicken, creamed potatoes, thin bread and butter, cup custards, pound cake, coffee or tea. One of the most charming ladies' luncheons that I recall was one where the principal dish was rice waffles, sent in piping hot by a Southern cook. There were other things, but the waffles made the luncheon. In country houses a ladies' luncheon is often spread on little tables out-of-doors, or it may be progressive, certain guests changing tables at each course. A menu served at such a luncheon began with curried chicken, rice and bananas, ending with an omelette souffle. One may have whatever she pleases that is delicious and in season at a luncheon where her women friends assemble. A CLUB LUNCHEON Club luncheon has an etiquette of its own. The president and chief officers of the club, with the guests of the day, stand in line and receive for a half hour before the feast, usually given at the club rooms or an inn, is announced. They then walk into the dining room in procession, the president leading with the guest of greatest distinction, who is seated on her right. The luncheon proceeds in a leisurely fashion, an or- chestra very likely playing softly frcttn the gallery the while. After the last course the president arises, raps for order, and begins the program of the day. There are after-dinner speeches, responses to sentiments, instrumental and vocal THE AFTERNOON TEA Good Manners in Entertaining 177 music by fine and artistic performers, and a general spirit of enthusiasm, good will, and amiability. To the honor of women be it said that at their club luncheons wine is never served. They are invariably strictly temperance affairs. Once in a while a man is honored by an invitation, and he usually appears greatly to enjoy the function. I have met at the annual breakfasts of college alumnae great scholars, learned divines, renowned financiers, and famous authors. As com- pared with the women present, they were conspicuously few, and were always seated at the president's table. They never failed to make good after-breakfast speeches, which were re- ceived with applause. RULES OF TABLE ETIQUETTE FOR EVERYONE Do not annoy those next to whom you sit by fidgeting in your chair, moving your feet, or playing with your bread or with any of the table equipage. Never chew food with your mouth open, talk with it in your mouth, or make any of those noises in eating which are the characteristics of vulgarity. Do not convey your food in too large or too small portions to the mouth. Do not hold your head as erect as if you had swallowed a ramrod, nor bury your face in the plate. Handle your knife and fork properly, and not overhand as a clown would; remove them from the plate as soon as it is placed before you, and lay them side by side when you have finished, and not before, as this is the signal which a well-bred waiter observes for removing the plate. Never leave your coffee spoon or teaspoon in the cup. Do not use your handkerchief unnecessarily. 178 Good Manners for All Occasions Do not converse in a loud tone or indulge in uproarious laughter. Should you be so unfortunate as to break an article be not profuse in your apologies, but show the regret in your face and manner rather than in words. It is ill-mannered to ex- press too much regret, so is it the essence of rudeness not to make an apology. Always break your bread instead of cutting it. A saltcellar should always be in the reach of every guest. Napkins should be folded square and placed on each plate. To fold them in intricate forms is considered boarding house or hotel style. Fifteen minutes is the longest time required to wait for a tardy guest. Age should take the precedence in proceeding from the drawing room to the dining room, the younger falling back until the older have advanced. A host waits upon the oldest lady or the greatest stranger, or if there be a bride present precedence is given to her, unless the dinner is given for an- other person. If you have occasion to speak to a servant wait until you can catch her eye, and then ask in a low tone for what you want.. Never hesitate to pass any course of which you do not wish to partake. Always swallow your food before leaving the table. Vegetables are generally eaten with a fork, though asparagus can be taken up with the fingers if preferred. Fruit and fish are eaten with silver knives and forks, though if fish knives are not provided a piece of bread in the left hand answers the purpose as well, with the fork in the right. A soup plate should never be tilted for the last spoonful. Good Manners in Entertaining 179 Cheese is eaten with a fork, and not with a knife ; sometimes with the fingers. Never forget that at dinner, as on all occasions of hospitality, it is your chief duty to relieve the hostess from every annoy- ance or care. It must not be imagined that the dinner is simply given for the purpose of giving a gross and purely material pleasure. It puts you in company with persons of consideration, and gives you an opportunity to display your intelligence, or to cause your good qualities to be appreciated. No one should ever monopolize conversation, unless he wishes to win for himself the name of bore, and to be avoided as such. XI GOOD MANNERS AT BREAKFAST I HAVE heard good people affirm that they were always cross and melancholy at breakfast. Yet breakfast should be the merriest meal in the day. Think how much we have to rejoice over. The new day, the watchful care of our heavenly Father during the past night, the chance to begin again, forgetting yesterday's errors, and fearless of the unknown to-morrow. "Every day is a fresh beginning." And here we are, father, mother, children, friends, at the breakfast table. The little ones bring sweet morning faces to the breakfast table, even if their parents are preoccupied. Only childhood is ever entirely care-free in this hard world, which is for many of us always a world of toil and anxious yearning. Sometimes we cry out : "O, for the days when Time ran like water. Unnoted, uncounted, and free! When the Day only knew what the sunshine brought her, And the Night only cared that the moonlight sought her, And threw down its bridge to the sea. "O, to live again when the Time before us Seemed fair as the Time that was past. When each day seemed a billow that bore us Through the sunshiny calm the long hours flung o'er us, And dropped us unawakened at last Good Manners at Breakfast i8l "O, for the days when life was our measure For the work that we meant to do; When the calm day hurried not for pleasure, And the long night tarried to give us treasure It had hidden the ages through." Nevertheless, though the child heart cannot always stay light- some and thoughtless, we may bring cheerful words and looks, if we will, to the breakfast table. Somebody has remarked that we make too much fuss over our American breakfast. Perhaps; yet the European, or rather the Continental breakfast of coffee and rolls is not enough for a business man who will snatch an indifferent and hasty luncheon and have nothing solid and substantial until dinner at six or seven. Such a man needs the regulation breakfast of fruit, cereal, coffee, rolls, steak, and potatoes. But the wife and children do not require the same hearty breakfast, and may manage with something simpler. Do you like eggs for breakfast ? You will enjoy this pretty story from the French, of a young couple who had lost their way in a forest and found asylum in the hut of a woodcutter. Incidentally you will discover a nice receipt for an omelet. An omelet, by the way, may be infinitely varied, what with cheese, parsley, minced ham, and jelly, any of which blend well with the lightly frothed eggs, and taste delicious to a hungry breakfaster. In the story the famished wanderers ask for food, and the people of the hut hospitably promise it. "The old woman had gone to fetch a frying pan, and was then throwing a handful of shavings on the fire. "In the midst of this strange and rude interior Louise seemed to me so fine and delicate, so elegant, with her long gants de i82 Good Manners for All Occasions Suede, her little boots, and her tucked-up skirts. With her two hands stretched out she sheltered her face from the flames, and from the corner of her eye, while I was talking with the splitters, she watched the butter that began to sing in the frying pan. "Suddenly she rose, and taking the handle of the frying pan from the old woman's hand, 'Let me help you make the ome- let,* she said. The good woman let go the pan with a smile, and Louise found herself alone in the position of a fisherman at the moment when his float begins to bob. The fire hardly threw any light; her eyes were fixed on the liquid butter, her arms outstretched, and she was biting her lips a little, doubt- less to increase her strength. " 'It is a bit heavy for Madame's little hands,' said the old man. 'I bet that it is the first time you ever made an omelet in a woodcutter's hut, is it not, my little lady ?' "Louise made a sign of assent without removing her eyes from the frying pan. " 'The eggs ! the eggs !' she cried all at once, with such an expression of alarm that we all burst out laughing. 'The eggs! the butter is bubbling! quick, quick!' "The old woman was beating the eggs with animation. 'And the herbs !' cried the old man. 'And the bacon, and the salt,* said the young man. Then we all set to work, chopping the herbs and cutting the bacon, while Louise cried, 'Quick! quick !' "At last there was a big splash in the frying pan, and the great act began. We all stood around the fire watching anx- iously, for, each having had a finger in the pie, the result in- terested us all. The good old woman, kneeling down by the dish, lifted up with her knife the corners of the omelet, which was beginning to brown. Good Manners at Breakfast 183 " 'Now Madame has only to turn it,' said the old woman. " 'A little sharp jerk,' said the old man. " 'Not too strong,' said the young man. " 'One jerk ! houp ! my dear,' said I. " 'If you all speak at once I shall never dare ; besides, it is very heavy, you know — ' " 'One sharp little jerk—' " 'But I cannot — it will all go into the fire — oh !' "In the heat of the action her hood had fallen ; she was red as a peach, her eyes glistened, and in spite of her anxiety she burst out laughing. At last, after a supreme effort, the frying pari executed a rapid movement and the omelet rolled, a little heavily I must confess, on the large plate which the old woman held. "Never was there a finer looking omelet." "This is an excellent description," says Mrs. Sherwood, "of the dish which is made for you at every little cabaret in France, as well as at the best hotels. That dexterous turn of the wrist by which the omelet is turned over is, however, hard to reach. Let any lady try it. I have been taken into the kitchen in a hotel in the Riviera to see a cook who was so dexterous as to turn the frying pan over entirely, without spilling the omelet." The breakfasts of our neighbors over the border, in the Dominion of Canada, are marvels of piquant and satisfying cookery. The bacon crisped to perfection, the eggs boiled to a turn, soft, hard, or medium as one asks, usually on the table over an alcohol lamp, the golden-brown toast, the fragrant tea or ambrosial coffee, and the dish of marmalade or honey, never forgotten, make a Canadian breakfast a joy. It is more in- formal than ours, and people come when they are ready and help themselves. In a country house which was in its way a 184 Good Manners for All Occasions delightful Liberty Hall, I never, during a fortnight's visit, saw my hostess at the breakfast table. It was her custom to breakfast in her room, and some of the guests at her house party did the same. Her daughter, however, prettily dressed, was sure to preside and give a morning greeting to those who sat down with her. Shall we have a word of caution about GOOD MANNERS AND THE MORNING TOILETTE It seems hardly necessary to say to an American lady that she should be neatly dressed at breakfast. The pretty white morning dresses which are worn in America are rarely seen in Europe, because of the difference of climate. In England elderly ladies and young married women sometimes appear in very smart tea gowns of dark silk over a color; but almost always the young ladies come in the yachting or tennis dresses which they will wear until dinner time, and almost always, in summer, in hats. In America, the variety of morning dresses is endless, of which the dark jacket over a white vest, the serviceable merino, the flannel, the dark foulards, are favorites. In summer thin lawns, percales, Marseilles suits, calicos, and ginghams can be so prettily made as to rival all the other, costumes for coquetry and grace. "Still to be neat, still to be drest As she were going to a feast," such should be the breakfast dress of the young matron. It need not be fine; it need not be expensive, but it should be neat and becoming. The hair should be carefully arrangedj and the feet either in good, stout shoes for the subsequent' walk, or in the natty stocking and well-fitting slipper, which has moved the poet to such feeling verses. Good Manners at Breakfast 185 Mrs. Sherwood, speaking of English fashions, tells us that it is a happy-go-lucky meal, the breakfast of our cousins in what Hawthorne calls "the old home." For sending breakfasts to rooms, trays are prepared with teapot, sugar, and cream, a plate of toast, eggs boiled, with cup, spoon, salt and pepper, a little pat of butter, and if de- sired a plate of chops or chicken, plates, knives, forks, and napkins. For an English country house the supply of break- fast trays is like that of a hotel. The pretty little Satsuma sets of small teapot, cream jug, and sugar bowl, are favorites. When breakfast is served in the dining room a white cloth is generally laid, although some ladies prefer variously colored linen, with napkins to match. A vase of flowers or a dish of fruit should be placed in the center. The table is then set as for dinner, with smaller plates, and all sorts of pretty china, like an egg dish with a hen sitting contentedly, a butter plate with a recumbent cow, a sardine fish with fishes in Majolica — in fact, any suggestive fancy. Hot plates for a winter break- fast in a plate-warmer near the table add much to the comfort. Finger bowls with napkins under them should be placed on the sideboard and handed to the guest with the fruit. It is a matter of taste as to whether fruit precedes or finishes the breakfast; and the servant must watch the decision of the guest. It goes without saying that in our country the lady of the house must give her personal attention to every meal, unless she be of great wealth and can employ a competent house- keeper. This happens seldom. Most of us get on very comfortably with one maid. A good many of us have none. So we must attend to our own cooking. But we need never grow fretted and irritable over it. Far better a dinner of herbs, as the Scripture has it, or a dinner of i86 Good Manners for All Occasions shredded wheat, or Indian meal porridge, fried ham and eggs, and fruit, than a grand dinner that has worn us to the very last mite of our endurance. Never does the well-mannered boy, the polite daughter, the considerate husband complain at a meal. Far be it from John, if he is a gentleman, to insinuate to Mary that mother's pies were superior to hers, that mother's gingerbread had a more toothsome flavor, or mother's dinners were more savory, GOOD MANNERS AT DINNER when dinner is just our home meal, require that there be no squabbles, no quarrels, no finding a flaw in anything from soup to dessert. GRACE AT A IVEAL should be said by the father ; if he is reluctant to perform this simple rite, by the mother, or by any child. Here are some familiar forms: "Bless, O Lord, we beseech thee, this food to our use and us to Thy service. For Christ's sake. Amen." "We ask Thy blessing on our food, and return Thee, O Father, our hearty thanks for these and all Thy mercies. Amen." An old form of grace runs in this quaint fashion : "Some hae meat and cannot eat. Some can eat and hae nae meat. We hae meat, an' we can eat, May the Lord be thanket." DESSERTS FOR EVERY DAY A simple pudding, or pie followed by grapes and peaches, with the cup of black coffee afterward, is the national des- sert of our United States. In winter it may be enriched by Good Manners at Breakfast 187 a Newtown pippin or a King of Tompkins County apple, some boiled chestnuts and a few other nuts, some Florida oranges, or those delicious little mandarins, perhaps raised by the im- mortal Rip Van Winkle, our own Joe Jefferson, on his Lou- isiana estate. He seems to have infused them with the flavor of his own rare and cheerful genius. He has raised a laugh before this, as well as the best mandarin oranges. Some dys- peptics declare that to chew seven roasted almonds after dinner does them good. An orange custard pudding always pleases, and is easily made. Boil a pint of new milk, pour it upon three eggs lightly beaten, mix in the grated peel of an orange, and two ounces of loaf sugar ; beat all together for ten minutes, then pour the custard into a pie dish, set it into another containing a little water, and put it in a moderate oven. When the custard is set, which generally takes about half an hour, take it out and let it get cold. Then sprinkle over rather thickly some very fine sugar, and brown with a salamander. This should be eaten cold. A fruit surprise, consisting of oranges, figs, bananas, and pineapples cut in dice, set for hours in the ice box and served with whipped cream, is a great favorite. Rice and tapioca puddings never grow monotonous in well-regulated families. A WORD TO THE CARVER Every gentleman should know how to carve, and indeed the art is one that does not come amiss to a lady, as she must sometimes ofiiciate as the carver. "In carving a sirloin of beef the upper cuts should be made lengthwise of the beef, while the under cuts are crosswise — the under cuts being also much thicker than the upper cuts. As there is much difference of opinion as to which is the i88 Good Manners for All Occasions choicest piece, it is best for the carver to ask his guests fvliicH cut they prefer. "Rib roasts, rolled, and a round of beef are always cut in very thin horizontal slices across the whole surface of the meat. It is essential, though, that these slices be quite thin, "The leg, the loin, the shoulder, and the saddle are the four pieces of mutton usually brought to the table to be carved. First as to the leg : This must be placed on the table with the knuckle to the left hand. Then cut into the side farthest from you toward the bone, helping thin slices from the right and thick slices toward the knuckle. Always divide the little bunch of fat near the thick end among your guests, as it is a great delicacy. "A saddle of mutton is often ordered for a small dinner party. It is cut in very thin slices, close to the backbone, and then downward. "Place a 'shoulder' with the knuckle, toward the right hand, the blade bone toward the left. Place your fork firmly in the middle of the edge farthest from you, and cut dexterously from the edge to the bone. This causes the meat to fly open, when you can cut slices on each side of the opening, until there is no more to cut, when the meat should be turned over and slices cut from the under side. Another method of carving this joint is to cut slices lengthwise from the end to the knuckle. "The loin of mutton, which is a piece intended specially for family use, should be carved either through the Joints, or may be cut lengthwise in a parallel line with the joints. "A fillet of veal is, in shape and appearance, very similar to a round of beef, and is carved in the same way by cutting horizontal slices over the whole surface of the meat. The slices, however, should not be nearly so thin as beef. A fillet of veal is cut from the leg, the bone is removed by the butcher. Good Manners at Breakfast 189 and the pocket thus made is filled with dressing, which is taken out and helped with a spoon by the carver. "A breast of veal may be either roasted or stewed. If used as a roasting-piece, you will have the butcher make an opening or hole in it for the reception of the dressing. In carving it the ribs may be separated from the brisket and sent around. "A forequarter of lamb consists of shoulder, breast, and ribs. The knife must be first placed upon the shoulder, drawn through horizontally, and the joint removed and placed upon another dish. The ribs can then be separated, and the breast sliced and sent around. "A calf's head, which is by some considered a delicacy, must be cut down the center in thin slices on each side. A small piece of the palate, of the sweetbread, and of the meat around the eye must be put on each plate and sent around. "In carving a haunch of venison, make a cut across the knuckle, after which cut slices by making straight incisions lengthwise. "There are three methods allowed in carving a ham. The most common one probably is to cut it like a leg of mutton, beginning in the middle, and cutting either way. You may, however, begin at the knuckle, cutting slices in a slanting direction, or you may begin at the thick end. The slices must always be as thin and delicate as possible, and are the usual accompaniment to fowl or veal. "Tongue must always be cut in thin, regular slices. Make the first a short distance from the tip, where a slice of some size may be attained. The tip is considered quite a tidbit by some people. "In carving a chicken, first cut off the wings. This is easily done by learning where to strike the joint. Then slice the breast, and cut off the merry-thought and side bones. The breast 190 Good Manners for All Occasions should always be helped first, then the wings — the liver wing being the better of the two. It is better to always reserve a small slice of the white meat to be served with the dark. "Pigeon, snipe, and quail are cut in half, and a piece sent to each guest. When the birds are small you send a whole one. "Goose and turkey are helped by cutting slices of the breast, and then the wings and legs are removed. The breast is con- sidered the best meat, after that the wings. "Boiled rabbits are carved thus : First cut off the legs, then take out the shoulders with a sharp-pointed knife, then break the back into three or four pieces at the joint. The back is the choice help, especially the piece in the ceilter. The shoulder is next in order after the back, and the legs come last. The kidney is a delicate bit. "For cutting fish a regular fish-slice is provided. Salmon and all fish of that order are cut in slices down the middle of the upper side, and then in slices across on the under side. A piece of each should be helped to all. "Mackerel divides among four people. Pass the fish-knife between the upper and under half from head to tail, then halve each side, and help to a quarter. "Cut cod crosswise like salmon, then downward, and send a small piece around on each plate as well. "Large flat fish, as turbot, flounders, John Dorey, etc, are first cut down from the middle from head to tail, then across to the fin, in slices. The fin, being considered a delicacy by some, should be helped, too. "Small fish, like smelts, whiting, etc., are sent whole to each guest." XII THE ETIQUETTE OF THE VISITING CARD Whether or not you have frequent use for visiting cards depends more or less on where you Hve. If your home happen to be on a ranch a dozen miles from everywhere else, or in a lonely spot where neighbors are remote, you will not often require a visiting card. If, on the contrary, you reside in town, where people live a long distance from one another, and if you are much in what is called society, visiting cards will be indispensable to your comfort. These little pieces of pasteboard with the names and ad- dresses of their owners engraved upon them are convenient arrangements for facilitating social intercourse, and a person accustomed to their use would hardly know how to get on with- out them. For instance, in making calls one carries her visit- ing cards, which she leaves at the doors of her friends whether she finds them at home or not. If they are at home they con- vey to her the name of the friend who has been so kind as to call upon her, and if she is out her first glance on returning is at the cards that have been left, so that she may know the names of her visiting friends and repay their calls in due time. When sending flowers by way of Easter or Christmas pres- ents, or to the sick or to those in sorrow, one usually adds one's visiting card. If presents of any kind are given one's card naturally accompanies them. Some loving greeting or message of a personal nature is often added, though the card alone is a message. 192 Good Manners for All Occasions The day that the little maid or the little man arrives at the dignity of a visiting card of her or his own is a red-letter day in the youth's existence; although, to be sure, there are some fortunate babies whose cards are sent out by proud parents as soon as the little strangers appear in the land. Theirs are the tiniest and daintiest cards, fit for fairies 1 SIZE OF THE CARD There is no fixed rule about the size of the visiting card. A lady's card usually measures two and seven eighths inches in length and two and one eighth inches in width. A smaller card than this is chosen by some young ladies who like to use a small square card. A man's card is always very small. Cards bearing the name of wife and husband, of a mother and daugh- ter, or of a mother and several daughters are necessarily larger, and these may measure three and one half inches in length by two and one half in width. Pure white unglazed bristol board, not too thin, is the approved material at present for vis- iting cards. No ornament or decoration is permissible on a visiting card. It must bear the owner's name and address; and if a lady's card, and she wishes, it may have upon it also the name and hours of her visiting day. A good plan is to order one's visiting cards from the most approved and fashionable stationer in one's city, asking him to display styles and sizes, and then choose the lettering pre- ferred. The expense of making the die is the only special ex- pense involved. It costs from two to three dollars for this, after which, as often as a new supply is necessary, visiting cards may be furnished at seventy-five cents or a dollar a hun- dred. The die is left with the stationer, and the lady orders her cards, or the gentleman his, when the supply is exhausted. The lettering may be done in block, script, or old English, or The Etiquette of the Visiting Card 193 in any style the owner chooses. Sometimes a facsimile of the bearer's handwriting is made, but this is regarded as an affecta- tion and is not recommended. Eccentricities are to be avoided in cards and in stationery. A man's visiting card is, as has been said, very small and in very severe style. A man never allows his business to appear on hts visiting card unless he is a minister or a doctor, in which case his profession may be indicated as Rev. John Francis Dayton, or Herbert Brown, M.D. A woman must always prefix Mrs. or Miss to her name. No matter how great her husband's dignity, she cannot indicate that upon her card. He may be the most noted military officer of the day, a famous explorer, a distinguished statesman, or even the President of the United States, but she must simply on her card announce herself as Mrs. John Smith or Mrs. Arthur Jones. A professional woman does not use her professional title on her card. She is not Dr. Mary James, but Miss Mary or Mrs. John James as may be. Middle initials are not now fashionable. A woman prefers to have her husband's full name engraved on her visiting card. Mrs. Clarence Alfred White, not Mrs. Clarence A. White, is in accordance with good taste, or, is she unmarried. Miss Jane Louise White, not Miss Jane L. White. A widow retains on her card the Christian name of her hus- band as well as his surname, if this is her choice. Thus she is Mrs. Herbert Payne, as she was during her husband's life- time ; although if she wish to do so she may drop this style and use simply Mrs. Mary Payne, her own Christian name and surname. Where there are several ladies in a family bearing the same name it is usual for the one of greatest ^e and dignity to have 194 Good Manners for All Occasions her card engraved simply Mrs. Brown, the others being Mrs, Paul, Mrs. Joseph, and Mrs. Samuel Brown respectively. If a woman has been legally separated from her husband she may use upon her card her own maiden name with his sur- name as Mrs. Doremus Tilford instead of Mrs. John Tilford, which she formerly used, or she may entirely drop any prefix except Mrs. and have engraved Mrs. Tilford. A very young girl has her card engraved Marion Brown or Alice Day; a youth also has his card simply George Chester or John Wise, omitting Mr. The oldest daughter of the family is Miss Brown or Miss Jones. The younger sisters use their Christian names with the surname. Should a day at home be signified on a lady's card it would appear in the lower left-hand corner, as, "Mondays after three o'clock," "First Wednesdays in January and February," or "Mondays until Easter." ETIQUETTE AT CALLS Should one call at a house and the door be opened by a member of the family the caller does not present her card to the lady or gentleman, but simply steps in, asking for the person she wishes to see. She may then leave her card unobtrusively on a table when withdrawing. If a maid open the door the card is handed to her, and received on a small tray. No well- trained maid ever extends her hand to take a visiting card. If a caller chooses to be very formal she leaves a card for every lady in the family on whom she wishes to call, but this is rather an extravagant use of visiting cards and is not done when calling on intimate friends. It is not necessary to scatter one's visiting cards about like snowflakes in winter or autumn leaves in the fall. The bending of visiting cards, creasing them at corners, The Etiquette of the Visiting Card 195 doubling them, etc., is no longer considered good form. A married woman making a first call upon a married friend sends one of her own and two of her husband's cards to her new acquaintances. Wives usually do duty for their husbands, so far as the visiting list of the family is concerned. Most men very much dislike to make calls, and shirk the obligation when- ever they decently can. A man who mikes calls willingly is a saint. In the beginning of the season a wife always leaves her husband's cards with her own, and she usually repeats this performance when making a call at the close of the season. An unmarried woman calling on a married friend leavess only one card. If a friend has daughters, or is entertaining a guest, a card may separately be left for each of them. If one is not able to attend a reception or an At Home she sends her cards on the proper day, and if more than one lady's name has appeared on her invitation she incloses in a small envelope, just fitting the card, a card for each lady. It is not regarded as necessary that she shall write anything on her card, but in the case of an intimate friend a kind message is often sent. SOCIAL CALLS FOR MEN A writer in Correct Social Usage gives the following direc- tions with regard to the calling of men : "A man never carries or leaves the cards of any other man, nor can he assume any of the responsibilities or etiquette re- lating to the cards of any of his feminine relatives or friends. Men never presumed to crease or bend their cards when such habits were the fashion, and they do not do so to-day. A gentleman who calls on a lady's afternoon at home leaves in the card tray, on entering the house, one card for the hostess 196 Good Manners for All Occasions and one for the host. This card for his host must be forth- coming whether that gentleman appears in the drawing-room or not, provided the caller enjoys his acquaintance and pro- viding he is calling in acknowledgment of some hospitality re- cently received. If there is a host, hostess, and young lady daughter in the house, and the caller is a friend of the latter, he leaves three cards. "The man who is making his first or last call for the season, on a regular afternoon at home, leaves one card for each one of the ladies and each one of the men of the household whose acquaintance he can claim. When a man calls, on a lady's day at home, and his call has no reference to any social debts or obligations, he leaves only one card in the tray ; or if he is somewhat intimate at the house where a call is paid he leaves no card at all. "Busy men pay few calls, and satisfy their hostesses and their own consciences by giving the duty of card-leaving into the hands of an obliging feminine relative. "Married men quite justifiably delegate to their wives all the card-leaving requisite as social obligations, but single men should not push this privilege too far. A good-natured mother or sister may gladly leave the cards of an office-tied son or brother on the hostess whose hospitality they enjoy in common. A popular young man, however, is frequently entertained by hostesses who are not on his mother's or sister's visiting list, and a kindly and careful hostess demands calls in return for her dinner invitations." CABAUSTIC LETTERS Occasionally one receives a card on which the letters P. P. C. have been written. As everyone knows, these letters mean, To take leave — Pour prendre conge. A person going away for a The Etiquette of the Visiting Card 197 long absence, going abroad, or about to change one's resi- dence, leaves cards upon all her friends with these letters written thereon. Such cards are not used by people who are going away for only a short absence. The letters P. F. on a card signify Pour felicitation. These letters are sometimes used when a person wishes to send congratulations after a wedding or after the birth of a child or any other happy event. R. S. V. P., letters frequently appearing on invitations, are not usually written upon visiting cards. Their meaning is, "Answer, if you please," and whenever invitations bear these letters a reply is required, with the least possible delay. ENGAGED. OR NOT AT HOME What shall one do who is in the house but who does not desire, or is too much occupied, to meet a friend at just that particular time? My own positive conviction on the subject is that one should send word to the caller that she very much regrets being so much engaged that she cannot give herself the pleasure of seeing her friend that day; that she hopes she will excuse her and call again soon. There are often rea- sons why a person cannot leave what she is doing at the mo- ment to receive her friend. She may be busy with the dress- maker, in the middle of a fitting. She may be lying down with a headache, in which case she could plead indisposition. She may be finishing a letter which must go by the next mail, or any one of a half dozen household employments may so de- tain her that she cannot receive her caller. No sensible person is offended when told that her friend is engaged; she under- stands it and accepts the situation. In society to-day it is considered the proper thing to say that one is not at home, it being understood that this polite 198 Good Manners for All Occasions fiction signifies just the same as "engaged," but is less rude and does not convey anything which may cause a wound. Persons who use this form claim that it is entirely truthful and Ccindid, and it is very much in vogue at present. Amusing infelicities occur from its use. I once went by invitation to spend a night with a friend with whom I was to dine. It was understood that I would arrive somewhat early in the afternoon. On reaching the house the maid barred my entrance, saying, very positively, "The ladies are not at home." "O," said I, "that makes no difference at all. I will go in and wait until they return. I have come to spend the night." A smile overspread her face, and she opened wide the door. "O," she said, "come in, come in; the ladies are just taking a nap." I do not think it right to tamper with the consciences of servants or young people who cannot possibly understand the nice distinctions which society make between the expressions "Not at home" and "Engaged." NEW YEAR'S CALLS A generation or so ago it was customary in New York city for gentlemen to call upon ladies on New Year's Day. It was a good old Knickerbocker custom which has now fallen into desuetude, as the city has grown larger and lost its original character, which was derived from the Dutch. Before it ceased to be the fashion the pretty custom grew somewhat of a bur- den, as, instead of being limited to one's own friends, large and convivial parties of gentlemen sometimes called, and the custom was profaned by the entrance of indifferent stran- gers into many a home. It was, however, a beautiful thing to do, and we have some hope that it may be revived, and that we may again have the pleasure of looking for the first foot The Etiquette of the Visiting Card 199 over the threshold and expecting that it will bring good luck to the household for the year. The first foot over the threshold In the new year's dawning gray Means woe or weal to the household — So the wise old people say. Now who to my door is coming — Stranger, or kith and kin? Pray God it be no foe of the clan, To bring the ill luck in. I am fain for the step of the baby, The little foot that sways Like a wind-tossed flower in the sunshine. In the grace of early days ; Or the step of the dear grandmother, Who has walked with God so long That thoughts of heaven within her Like the echoes of angels throng. But, Lord of our generations. Keep off the furtive tread Of the evil and the alien. The step our chilled hearts dread. Let the first foot over our threshold. In the dawn of the glad new year. Bring us much to hold and to cherish. And nothing to hate and fear. HOW SOON MUST ONE RETURN A FIRST CALL? The rule about returning first calls is that the return call should be made during the next fortnight. In suburban towns calling is a very general occupation. In larger cities the dis- tances are so great that unless one takes a carriage and makes a business of it it is difficult for her to call upon friends with 200 Good Manners for All Occasions ease, the street cars being so crowded that they work havoc with a beautiful toilette. As many people cannot afford a car- riage at city prices, the custom of casual calling is falling more and more into a tradition in large towns. Neighbors in the same street exchange civilities in city or country. To live next door to a person for any length of time and not know her name, and not be interested at all in what is going on beneath her roof, seems most unkind. In villages neighborly friendliness exists to-day as it always has done, and there is very little of the formal calling which makes our visiting list and address book a necessity. People in old villages like Mrs. Deland's old Chester run in to call either in the twilight or in the morning after breakfast, or at any time that is convenient. This running in, however, has its limitations. If a lady is known to do her own work she prob- ably requires the morning for this purpose, and it is rather thoughtless of a friend to loiter and use up a precious hour which she needs for her cooking or her housekeeping. A minister's wife in a Southern town said to me that her calls began in the morning about nine and ended in the evening about ten ; that literally all day long people were calling upon her, and that she did not care to risk her own or her husband's popularity by ever denying herself to anyone. In consequence, her health and good spirits were prematurely broken by the incessant ebb and flow of the world through her open doors, and she died before her prime. In most places the calling hours are in the afternoon be- tween four and six, or in the evening between seven and nine, when ladies may call with their husbands. It is extremely uncivil to keep a caller waiting while one changes every detail of one's dress. If it be necessary to make the caller wait, it is well to send word by the maid to The Etiquette of the Visiting Card 201 that effect, and provide a book or something of the sort which may serve to amuse the guest while waiting. Every recep- tion room and parlor or living room should have a few maga- zines or volumes of short stories lying about which may serve to entertain people who have to wait a few minutes for the lady of the house. CALLS AND CALLING Calls are as to visits as small change to a twenty-dollar bill. A call is a polite attention, a proof that one's acquaintance is prized, a token that one is not a cynic but a genial human being. We should make calls when our friends are prosperous and happy, when they have had a piece of good fortune, when they have returned from a trip, when they have had good news. Equally when people are in trouble of mind, body, or estate we should call on them to assure them of sympathy. To stay away when there is a cloud of anxiety or the shock of be- reavement in a home is to show hardness of heart. At times, better is a neighbor that is near than a brother that is far off. To call upon the sick, that we may inquire for them if they are too ill to receive us, and to cheer them up if they are convalescent, is manifestly a Christian duty. Never carry a long face when you call on an invalid. Never talk in a perfunctory manner when you call at a house of mourning. Never stay too long in any call. If a second caller enters while your are still calling, remain a few minutes and then take leave. The second caller is en- titled to the longer stay. Your hostess will not leave the draw- ing-room in that case, but continue her conversation with the newcomer. An old-fashioned hostess, if she can, accompanies a caller 202 Good Manners for All Occasions to the outer door. A new-fashioned hostess seldom goes beyond the door of the parlor. I like the old way better than the new myself ; there is more heart in it. But a caller must never linger and chat in the draught of an open door. It may make serious illness to her hostess. The old-school host always goes to the door with a friend, always escorts a lady to the outer gate, or to the carriage, and if she is to enter a near-by street car sees her to it and stops the car for her, standing with lifted hat until she is within it. A clumsy habit of some people is to make a long call stand- ing. Once you have risen to go, go. To loiter still chatting is evidence of a lack of familiarity with correct social usage. It is not good form to make apologies for the lapse of time since you were last in the house. Should your friend look ill, do not tell her so. People have been gently pushed into their graves by overzealous friends who have noticed how ill they look. Cling to your own notions of courtesy. If you were brought up to say "Yes, ma'am," and "Yes, sir," continue the habit, though all the young people in the country advise you to the contrary. Do not fuss about a man's hat and stick. Let him look out for them himself. A man must struggle into his own coat unaided, unless another man is there to assist him. A lady does not help him with this, nor should he expect it. The exception is in the case of a very old, feeble, or crip- pled gentleman who is to be assisted by his^ hostess, as a matter of deference to age and infirmity. When calling on a friend who is staying with a lady whom you do not know, it is proper to send a card to the hostess as The Etiquette of the Visiting Card 203 well as to your friend. Invite the friend's hostess to any festivity in the friend's honor which may be planned by you. Time your calls on anyone so that you do not interfere with meals. If told that anyone is at dinner, leave a card or your name, but do not go in, unless your errand is extremely urgent, or your intimacy justifies you in asking that you may wait until dinner is over. Having dined with a friend, make your dinner call within the following week. Xiil MOURNING CUSTOMS AND FUNERAL ETIQUETTE Sooner or later the dark wing of the angel of death shad- ows every household. Sometimes there are long intervals in family history when the circle is unbroken by death; children grow from babyhood to maturity, parents are spared, and the solemn chime of the passing bell is not heard in that home. Sometimes those who enjoy this long immunity from bereave- ment are visited in quick succession by the loss of several members of the family, as when sisters and brothers have all grown old and one by one they are taken away. As Christians, if we believe in immortality, and accept with faith and conviction the words of our Saviour, "In My Father's house are many mansions : if it were not so, I would have told you," we should not indulge in a deep, heartbreaking grief which often wrecks the lives of those who are left, as well as shows intense anguish and profound respect to the memory of the dead. I have heard a woman in middle life say that for years of her childhood she thought that her mother did not love her because the mother's grief over the little brother who had died suddenly was so profound that she wrapped herself in it as in a garment, and had no thought for the children who were left. We cannot help the sadness and the yearning distress that come when our dear ones are taken away. Inevitably we miss them, and each death of a near relative takes away some part of our life. The daughter never gets to the place where Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 205 she does not want her mother, and the mother is never quite the same when she looks at the vacant chairs of her children. But heaven will make up for the losses of earth, and many a time, if parents only knew it, they might be thankful for the little hands folded quietly across the breast and the little coffins laid low under the daisies. One knows that the little ones who are safe in the arms of Jesus will never know pain, sorrow, humiliation, temptation, disgrace, or failure to arrive at their best development. One does not know this of the children who remain, and who may undergo great and bitter and crushing sorrows in their maturity. The custom of wearing mourning, once universal in this country, is now much modified. Hundreds of families are not adopting a mourning dress, or even lessening by somberness their accustomed clothing when after a funeral they have taken up the daily routine. Undoubtedly mourning has been carried to far too extrav- agant an extent in the past, and the custom of funeral ob- servances of an expensive order and the wearing of deep and costly mourning weigh with extreme heaviness on the very poor. A woman whom I well knew had nursed her ailing husband through a long and painful illness, supporting him and her children by her labors as a laundress during the months that he was laid aside. He finally passed away, and she was left in her tenement home with four little ones dependent upon her, and a very small life insurance which came to her at his death. She used up almost the entire amount of the life in- surance in giving John a magnificent funeral, and purchasing for her and her children the deepest mourning garments she could find. When all was over she had hardly fifty dollars left of the modest sum which should have stood between her 2o6 Good Manners for All Occasions and the wolf at the door. It did not surprise me that a year or so later she herself died of privation and poor food, and her children became inmates of an orphan asylum. The very poorest have a degree of pride in putting the best foot fore- most, and making a brave show, which is not known to people in better circumstances. If there is ever a reform in matters of this sort it must begin at the top; it will not begin with those who are badly off financially. Mourning habiliments are a great protection to those who wear them against questions and remarks which may be thoughtlessly made by friends who have not heard of their bereavement. A widow's dress shows to the world that the woman has been bereaved of her husband. People wearing mourning are not expected to engage for some months, at least, in any of the diversions of society, and are expected to remain in the seclusion which i§ most comforting to grieving hearts. No one except a very tactless person would presume to ask of a friend in deep mourning for whom she was wearing it. This would be ruthlessly to open an unhealed wound. It is not customary to wear mourning so long in these days as it once was, and providentially the protest of physcians and of common sense has availed to make singular the heavy black and unwholesome veil, and the crape in which mourning women once enveloped themselves. Such a veil should never be worn over the face. Nun's veiling, which is equally regarded at present as deep mourning, and which is softer, cheaper, and prettier, is quite as good style as crape. Any plain, luster- less woolen stuff of good material and fine texture is appro- priate for a mourning dress. A beading of crape may be used, but the custom of almost covering the skirt is not now in vogue. No ornament except a little dull jet is permissible to one in mourning. Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 207 In the secondary stages of mourning lusterless silk trimmed with crape is good style. Hats and bonnets are simple and plain, a widow wearing the narrow white band within her bonnet which is allowed only to her. A widow wears deep mourning for two years. After this period she may modify it, or, if she chooses, resume the wear- ing of colors. Collar and cuffs of sheer lawn are appropriate in a widow's garb. A widow contracting a second marriage should discard her mourning entirely before entering into the new relation. Children wear mourning for parents two years, modifying it very much after the second year. No one should continue to wear black after it is felt to be a burden. It is then not sincere, and nothing is so much to be deprecated as insincerity in nfiourning. Little children are seldom dressed in mourning. If desir- able that they should assume this for their parents, white dresses with black sashes and black hats are quite suflScient. Mrs. Florence Howe Hall, in Social Customs, has said : "Parents often wear mourning for grown-up sons or daugh- ters during two years. For children, most people do not wear crape ; not because the grief is not of the deepest, but because very stiff formal mourning seems utterly unfitted to express the tender though poignant grief caused by the loss from this world of a child's pure, innocent spirit. In the same way mourning for young children is not usually worn during more than a year; this, in spite of the fact that the loss of a child often causes sorrow more enduring than any other. The idea of respect for the dead enters more or less into all our the- ories of mourning, and this respect seems specially due to older people. "When one is in deep mourning, one does not go into soci- 2o8 Good Manners for All Occasions ety, nor does one receive or pay visits. Neither does one g« to any public place of amusement, unless it be a concert, until at least six months have elapsed after the death of a near rela- tive. After three months it is considered allowable to attend concerts. Some people make this period of strict seclusion much longer ; but it must always be remembered that to many persons this isolation continued for months or years, this dep- rivation of all save the most limited society, and of every sort of relaxation or amusement that could take their minds from the one preoccupying thought, is not only very depress- ing but extremely injurious. We are not all alike, and to some minds it is fatal to be allowed to prey entirely upon them- selves. Hence, while people in deep mourning should cer- tainly avoid gay society, they ought not to be too strictly judged if, after a decent period of time, they find it to be for their comfort and happiness to see their friends occasionally in a quiet way, or even to seek the consolation of music at concerts. The strictest and most formal mourning is not al- ways the most sincere. In the charming story of Edelweiss the author describes a son who, crushed with grief for the loss of his mother, finds his only consolation in resuming work at his trade as soon as the funeral is over ; the neighbors are, of course, deeply scandalized at his proceedings, as they listen to the tap, tap of his shoemaker's hammer. Yet work is always the best panacea for sorrow. "Older people should not expect younger ones to remain in strict seclusion as long a time as they themselves do ; the grief of youth is often very intense, but it does not usually last as long as that of persons of mature years. Moreover, it is a cruel thing to shroud the natural gayety and bright spirits of the young in long-continued mourning and depression. They should, of course, be willing to pay a proper respect to Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 209 the memory of the relatives they have lost ; but no young life should be permanently shadowed by grief and sorrow. "Some gentlemen put on complete suits of black, weeds on their hats, and black gloves, on the loss of any near relative. Most men, however, confine their mourning to a band of crape on the hat except at the funeral, when they wear black suits and black gloves. Custom varies on this point in different cities. In New York it is much more common to see gentle- men dressed in mourning than in Boston. Men are not ex- pected to seclude themselves from society for so long a period as women, though everyone is shocked to see a man appear in the gay world soon after the death of a near relative. A widower often wears black for two years ; it is perhaps need- less to state that many men cease to be widowers long before that period is over. The feeling of society, however, is in favor of a man's remaining faithful to his wife for two years ; longer than that no one expects him to wait before consoling himself." Mourning dress should never be left off suddenly. The change should be gradual. Otherwise comment may be disagreeably excited. Usually after a death in a family all friends and acquaint- ances make a call of condolence during the first month. Very intimate friends call at the house as soon as they hear of the death, before the funeral. Others, a degree less intimate, make a point to call immediately after the funeral. All kindred and intimate friends should be notified of the death either by telegraph or letter without delay, while a notice of the funeral should be inserted conspicuously in the local papers. Letters of condolence need not at once be answered, and they are suflSciently acknowledged by a visiting card with the words "Thanks for sympathy" written thereon. The undertaker and his assistants prepare a body for burial, 2IO Good Manners for All Occasions unless some member of the family knows how to do this and assumes the duty. Trained nurses are taught how to perform this last sad office, and they are able to relieve the immediate mourners of the heart-breaking work of bathing an inanimate form, arranging the hair, and putting on the last garments that shall ever be worn. Love dictates the laying out of the dead in beautiful cloth- ing. A bride is snatched from her husband's arms, and it is fitting that she wear in her coffin the wedding gown with its white shimmer of satin and lace. A lovely girl falls asleep in her exquisite bloom, and vir- ginal robes of spotless white should invest her, symbolic of her stainless grace and purity. A little child, with waxen hands folded, is mute in death. The mother-love puts on its pret- tiest and finest raiment. The toilette of the grave should be as rich and fine as love and grief can afford. ' An embalmed body retains its lifelike look, and one has the comfort of knowing that under the sod it long resists decay. CREMATION OR BURIAL Arguments in favor of cremation appeal to many, who dis- like the thought of the slow disintegration of the physical form, and prefer the swift and sanitary process of the furnace seven times heated. When a body is cremated the ashes, in- closed in an urn, are buried in a grave over which a stone may be placed. Cremation is comparatively inexpensive. For my part, I cling to the old-fashioned sentiment which reverently and tenderly deposits the form of the loved one in the friendly earth, ashes to ashes, dust to dust, in the hope of a glorious resurrection when they that sleep in Jesus shall awake. Under the daisies or under the snow that long slumber is tranquil. Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 211 FUNERALS According to the custom of the locality, funerals are held within a day or two of the dear one's decease. The funeral obsequies are often celebrated in church, which seems, on the whole, a very fitting place for the last rite when a Christian dies. A church has the advantage of accommodating com- fortably a great many mourners. In the ordinary house the immediate family and closest friends are seated in a room upstairs. The body, almost hidden by heaps of flowers, lies in state, in the drawing-room, and there, seated In camp chairs in crowded ranks, the friends and acquaintances of the dead await the beginning of the services. The overflow of these friendly people is seated in the dining room, or on the stairs, the halls being crowded with men, who stand. The clergyman, on the stairs, reads the service. He offers prayer, and perhaps utters a eulogy or makes a sympathetic address. Nothing that he says is heard by more than a third of the audience present. If there are solos, or if a quartette sing, the music is faintly sweet, and loses much of its fine quality in a house crammed to suffocation by men and women in street apparel. Long lines of carriages do not often go to the grave in this day. "Interment at the convenience of the family" is the rule. This takes place, if the funeral be held in the evening, on the following morning. If the funeral be in the early after- noon, and the cemetery not too far distant, the interment probably takes place the same day. But the friends do not tarry after viewing the remains. One by one, in silent sjTiipathy, they leave the darkened house and go out into the cheerful day. The closing of the casket is done by the undertaker, after the relatives have taken their final farewell. Then the casket 212 Good Manners for All Occasions is borne to the hearse, the flowers are carried out to be left on the new-made grave, and the mourners enter carriages and follow the hearse. The clergyman has a carriage of his own. The immediate family precede those not so nearly of kin, and intimate friends bring up the rear of the sad procession. In Roman Catholic countries people on the streets uncover their heads when a funeral passes. The impulse to do this should surely be with us all, for death is the common lot, and sorrow the universal experience, and none of us can escape the pang of loss, the desolation of a return to the empty house. Some one should so soon as possible remove from a house the traces of a funeral, rearranging the furniture, and doing what may be done to give the house its wonted look when the mourners return from the funeral. Nothing is more to be deprecated than the austere closing of blinds and shutters and the swathing a house in gloom after a death. When the funeral is over open the windows at once, and let in the cheerful and blessed sunlight. To absent one's self from church for a long period, after a bereavement, is a mistake. The longer one stays away, the more difficult it is to adjust one's self to the new and trying conditions, and the harder it is to begin again in solitude what was once enjoyed in sweet companionship. In rural New England it is still customary at the grave for the minister to thank the friends who have attended the fu- neral, in the name of the family. There the conveyances are often private carriages, and if the graveyard be near there may be a touching procession on foot. In the latter case the coffin is borne by friends, who may sometimes pause an instant to take breath. Hawthorne, in one of his delightful books, tells of a for- lorn grave he saw in England on the damp and shady side of Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 213 an old church. With much eflfort the visitor cleared away the moss from the gravestone and deciphered this sorrowful epitaph of a man who had died in 1810, at the age of seventy- five: "Poorly I lived, Poorly I died. Poorly was buried. And nobody cried !" In Beside the Bonnie Brier Bush there is a chapter that is a classic. It is that which describes the funeral, on a snowy day — ^the snow in deep cold drifts — of the good doctor, Mac- Lure. The shepherds came in their plaids over the hills; the farmers in their "blacks" wend their way to the desolate home. The Laird of the Manor, the great man of the neighborhood, comes with his people. "I would not let a few snowdrifts," he says, "prevent me from showing my respect for William MacLure." We are less careful now always to attend our friends' funerals, unless we have been brought up in the atmosphere that makes this pious duty an obligation on conscience, and a tender tribute, the very last thing we can do to show our consideration for the dead we lament and the living whom we pity. At the tomb of Lazarus Jesus wept! FUNERAL MUSIC Certain hymns are very sacred because of their association with funerals. "Abide with Me," "Lead, Kindly Light," "Asleep in Jesus, Blessed Sleep," "Nearer, My God, to Thee," are among the most beloved. The latter hymn will always cling in memory intertwined with the name of the martyred iicKinley. 214 Good Manners for All Occasions At the funeral of a very lonely woman the voice of a sweet singer was exultantly upraised in Dean Alford's hymn : "Ten thousand times ten thousand, In sparkling raiment bright, The armies of the ransomed saints Throng up the steeps of light : 'Tis finished, all is finished, Their fight with death and sin : Fling open wide the golden gates, And let the victors in !" The rites of the Episcopal Church prescribe a stately fu- neral service, unsurpassed in majesty and beauty. Most clergy- • men have a service of their own, made up of the most com- forting and triumphant passages in Scripture, and this is often better than anything by way of an address. The minister may say too much or too little. The Bible says the right word in the most eloquent and beautiful simplicity. SUNDAY FUNERALS Although mourners very often prefer a Sunday funeral, yet it makes the day a very hard one for the officiating clergyman, who has so many other duties on the Lord's Day. The con- venience of the clergyman should be consulted when the de- cision as to the hour of a funeral is made. A fee is not expected by a minister, but when a family can easily afford it the giving of a check or a gold piece is a gracious thing. It should be sent to the minister unobtrusively after the funeral. Fees to the sexton, organist, and singers are often sent after a church funeral. The traveling expenses of a clergyman who makes a journey to attend a funeral are always liberally paid by the family who have asked him to officiate. Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 215 FLOWERS AT A FUhERAL Flowers express sympathy. A few, or a great many, in set pieces, or in a box with leaves and ferns, they may be sent to the house of mourning, and they convey consolation to the extent of the assurance that the dead are lamented. In some cases, the family prefers to provide the flowers, and the words "Kindly omit flowers" are appended to the funeral notice. GLOVES Gloves were formerly provided for the clergymen and pall- bearers, but only a few people adhere to this old custom. THE DRESS OF PALLBEARERS Pallbearers are selected from among the most intimate friends of the deceased. They dress in deepest black, frock coat, trousers, vest, tie, and gloves all matching. CRAPE ON THE DOOR The crape on the door, the sign that notifies all passers that death has invaded the home, is of deepest black for a grown person, but the black is often relieved by a garland of flowers carelessly thrown over it. For a child or a young person a white ribbon on the door is substituted for the crape. MINGUNG WITH THE WORLD AGAIN does not to any great extent take place until the family have ceased to wear heavy mourning. To be seen in general society and at festive gatherings, I repeat, would be an anachronism while people are in mourning. USEFUL SUGGESTIONS The following summary may be regarded as trustworthy by those adopting a mourning dress. This is selected from a competent authority: 2i6 Good Manners for All Occasions The mourning for parents ranks next to that of widows ; for children by their parents, and for parents by their children, these being, of course, identical in degree. It lasts in either case twelve months — six months in crape trimmings, three in plain black, and three in half-mourning. It is, however, better taste to continue the plain black to the end of the year, and wear half-mourning for three months longer. Materials for first six months, either Paramatta, Barathea, or any of the black corded stuffs, such as Janus cord, about thirty-eight inches wide ; Henrietta cord about the same price and width. Such dress would be trimmed with two deep tucks of crape, either Albert or rainproof, would be made plainly, the body trimmed with crape, and sleeves with deep crape cuffs. Col- lars and cuffs to be worn during the first mourning would be made of muslin or lawn, with three or four tiny tucks in dis- tinction to widows' with the wide, deep hem. Pocket hand- kerchiefs would be bordered with black. Black hose, silk or Balbriggan, would be worn, and black kid gloves. For out- door wear either a dolman mantle would be worn or a paletot, either of silk or Paramatta, but in either case trimmed with crape. Crape bonnets or hats ; if for young children, all crape for bonnets, hats, silk and crape; feathers (black) could be worn, and a jet clasp or arrow in the bonnet, but no other kind of jewelry is admissible but jet — that is, as long as crape is worn. Black furs, such as astrakhan, may be worn, or very dark sealskin, or black sealskin cloth, now so fashionable, but no light furs of any sort. Silk dresses can be worn, crape-trimmed after the first three months if preferred, and if expense be no object; the lawn-tucked collars and cuffs would be worn with them. At the end of six months crape can be put aside, and plain black, such as cashmere, worn, trimmed with silk Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 217 if liked, but not satin, for that is not a mourning material, and is therefore never worn by those who strictly attend to mourning etiquette. With plain black, black gloves and hose would of course be worn, and jet, no gold or silver jewelry for at least nine months after the commencement of mourning ; then, if the time expires in the twelve months, gray gloves might be worn, and gray ribbons, lace or plain linen collar and cuffs take the place of the lawn or muslin, and gray feathers might lighten the hat or bonnet, or reversible black and gray strings. Many persons think it is in better taste not to commence half-mourning until after the expiration of a year, except in the case of young children, who are rarely kept in mourning beyond the twelve months. A wife would wear the same mourning for her husband's relations as for her own ; thus, if her husband's mother died, she would wear mourning as deep as if for her own mother. For grandparents the first mourning (crape) is worn for three months; second mourning, black, without crape, also worn for three months ; and half-mourning for three more, or nine months in all. The same materials are worn. Paramatta, Barathea, various cords with crape and cashmere, and merino when the crape is left off. For sisters or brothers six months' mourning is usually worn — crape for three, plain black for two, and half mourning for one month; the same sort of stuffs, the crape being put on in one deep tuck and two narrow tucks; bodice, crape trimmed; mantel or dolman, crape trimmed; bonnet of crape with feathers or jet, hat of silk and crape; veil of hat with crape tuck, hose black silk, Balbriggan, or cashmere, hand- kerchiefs black bordered. Silks can be worn after the first month if trimmed with crape. 2i8 Good Manners for All Occasions For uncles, aunts, nephews, or nieces crape is not worn, but plain black, with jet for three months. For great-uncles or aunts mourning would last for two months without crape. For cousins (fir si) six weeks are considered sufficient, three of which would be in half-mourning. For cousins less closely related mourning is hardly ever put on unless they have been inmates of the house. No invitations would be accepted before the funeral of any relatives closely enough related to you to put on mourning for. In the case of brothers, sisters, parents, and grandparents, society would be given up for at least three months, if not more, and it would be very bad taste to go to a ball or large festive gathering in crape. Widows do not enter society for at least a year — that is, during the period of their deepest mourning. With regard to complimentary mourning — ^as worn by mothers for the mother or father-in-law of their married children — ^black would be worn for six weeks or so without crape; by second wives for the parents of the first wife, for about three weeks, and in a few other cases. It is better taste to wear something dark in making the first call after a bereavement on friends, but this is not a decided rule, only a graceful method of implying sympathy with those who are suffering affliction. But calls are not made until the cards with "Thanks for kind inquiries" have been sent in re- turn for the cards left at the time of decease. Letters of con- dolence should always be written on slightly black-edged pa- per, and it would be kind to intimate in the letter that no answer to it will be expected. Few realize the effort it is to those left to sit down and write answers to inquiries and let- ters, however kind and sympathizing they may have been. Mourning Customs and Funeral Etiquette 219 SERVANrrS' MOURNING Servants are not usually put into mourning except for the members of the household in which they are living; not for the relatives of their masters and mistresses, and very fre- quently only for the heads of the house, not for the junior members. Indeed, only families ,of large wealth and much pretension put their employes into mourning with us. A best dress of mohair cord or alpaca, two cotton dresses, black for mourning wear while at work, a cloth jacket, in case of master or mistress, with a slight crape trimming, a silk and crape bonnet, pair of black kid gloves, and some yards of black cap ribbon, would be the mourning given to the servants in the house at the time of the death of one of the heads of the establishment, and their mourning would be worn for at least six months, or even a year in some cases. THE STING OF IT Now, this is the thing that hurts me As I look at her vacant chair ; As I hear my heart-beat throbbing In the empty, desolate air : I could better bear the sorrow, I could easier stifle the moan, If, when she was here, so often I had not left her alone. I knew she was watching for me, I knew she was waiting there, And I took her love for granted — I tell you, it wasn't fair. Many a time I loitered When I might have hurried home. And to-day there is no one to greet nae, To care if I go or come. 220 Good Manners for All Occasions No, she never complained of my coldness ; As proud as a queen was she, Always the same sweet woman And all that a wife could be. But the little grieved droop at the corners Of the rosebud mouth I knew ; And the smile that was wan and fading, And the pain in the eyes so true. They told their telltale story : I read it and went away. Though I meant not half the trouble, What good does that do to-day, When the little hands are folded And the beautiful face is hid. And the joy of my life is buried Under a coffin-lid? The doctor said nothing could save her: I feel, in the dead o' the night, That / might have saved my Mary If only I'd loved her right. A flower is chilled by the frost-blight, And love can be winter-killed ; And that is the ceaseless bitter In memory's cup distilled. And this is the sting of remembrance. As o'er her grave I bend : I treated her worse than a foe, when She was dearer than dearest friend. And too late I sit in my sorrow And try to keep back the groan. There's nothing so mean on the planet As the meanness that hurts one's own J XIV GOOD MANNERS IN CHURCH AND OTHER PUBUC PLACES Do we need some reminders as to good manners in church? Perhaps. Our conscience may exonerate us from ill manners there, or if we are honest we may regretfully own that we are often derelict in the house of God. Being the house of God, reverence to the place is of the first importance. In a mosque devout Moslems do not step with sandaled feet. "Put off thy shoes from off thy feet," said the voice that spoke to Moses from the burning bush, "for the place whereon thou standest is holy ground." Ori- entals take off the shoes, Western Christians keep on shoes but remove their hats — that is, men do — on entering a sanctuary. Whispering, giggling, and talking of the week's engage- ments in the church proper is an ill-bred thing. The de- meanor becoming God's house is silent and quiet. If one would be well-bred one must take pains never to be late at church. If late, stand at the door until prayer or Scripture reading is finished. Take whatever seat an usher provides with a simple bow of thanks. If seated in a pew, courteously make room for a stranger. Do not fidget or move about in the pew, and never stare about at the congregation. Keep your eyes constantly on the minister. If you fancy 222 Good Manners for All Occasions his sermon tedious do not show this in your manner. It is the height of incivility to look at a watch during the sermon. Always bow the head and close the eyes during prayer. Pay close attention to the notices. Never put on overcoat or wrap during the singing of the Doxology. Never rush hurriedly out of church after the benediction. Never eat lozenges or peppermints in church. Do not fan violently and create a cold current to chill the back of your neighbor's neck. Avoid conspicuous costumes and picture hats in church. The appropriate dress for church is very plain and simple. Go quietly out after a church service; never criticise the pastor. Do not go to church unprovided for the collection. In walking home take pains not to dissipate the impression of the sacred service by silly laughter and jesting. Be attentive to old people in the house of God. If there is A Sunday school, or a Christian Endeavor Society, or mis- sionary association, give it your cordial support. Do not criticise the minister's wife, or expect too much from his family. GEORGE WASHINGTON'S RULES OF CONDUCT Let your discourse with men of business be short and com- prehensive. In visiting the sick do not presently play the physician. In the presence of others sing not to yourself with a hum- ming noise, nor drum with your fingers or feet. Read no letters, books, or papers in company. Come not near the book or writings of anyone so as to read Ihem, unless desired. Church and Other Public Places 223 Let your countenance be pleasant, but in serious matters somewhat grave. Show not yourself glad at the misfortune of another, even though he were your enemy. Strive not with your superiors in argument, but always submit your judgment to others with modesty. When a man does all he can, though it succeeds not well, blame not him that did it. Mock not, nor jest at anything of importance; break no jests that are sharp-biting, and if you deliver anything witty and pleasant, abstain from laughing thereat yourself. Use no reproachful language against anyone, neither curse nor revile. Associate yourself with men of good quality, if you esteem your own reputation. Be not immodest in urging your friend to discover a secret. Speak not of doleful things in time of mirth, nor at the table. Break not a jest where none takes pleasure in mirth. Laugh not loud, nor at all without occasion. Treat with men at fit times about business. Whisper not in the company of others. Make no comparisons, and if any of the company be com- mended for any brave act, commend not another for the same. Be not curious to know the affairs of others, neither ap- proach to those that speak in private. Undertake not what you cannot perform, but be careful to keep your promise. Be not tedious in discourse. Speak not evil of the absent, for it is unjust. Let your recreations be manful, not sinful. 224 Good Manners for All Occasions OTHER PUBUC PLACES There are public places other than the church where a cer- tain code of etiquette should be observed. In these days of multiplied libraries, for example, everybody ought to know HOW TO BEHAVE IN A UBRARY A library is a place for study and serious work. If people make it a place for conversation they defeat the end it has in view. Students go there to consult lexicons and historical works; authors visit it that they may read volumes to which they could not otherwise have access, and that they may get something of the atmosphere of other days. Hence an imperative need of the library is quiet, and the rule is con- spicuously posted that people must not talk within its precincts. Should you visit the public library to exchange a book, go to the desk and show your card, or ask for one. The librarian will give you what you want. If you wish a book on a given theme, and are not quite sure for what to ask, the librarian will guide you. With your book, a pad and pencil, you may seat yourself at a table and make extracts, or you may carry the book away, but you must move silently and refrain from speech until you are quite outside of the doors. The immediate code of the library requires that you should take great care of the books you draw from it. These are borrowed books. They are to pass from hand to hand, from house to house. Should you have contagious disease in your family, you should not take books from the library until the patient recovers, even though the patient is in isolation from the household. Germs are often so minute as to be imper- ceptible, and germs may easily find lodgment between the leaves of a book, and weeks or months afterward convey the Church and Other Public Places 225 seed of fever and perhaps carry death to people whom you do not know. Do not lend a book from any library to any friend. One never has the privilege of lending a borrowed book, and it is a responsibility that nobody should venture to incur. Whether the borrowed volume is the property of a private person or of a public library, when it is intrusted to you it should remain in your charge until it is safely returned. A book is a precious thing, and should be guarded as such. Books are too often racked by heedless use, laid open, face downward, on chairs and tables, read with soiled hands, in one or another way thoughtlessly injured. The price of annual membership in a library, or the great privilege of reading freely from a library, should not be construed into permission to illtreat any book. A book-lover speaks with feeling on this point, for books are friends in prosperity and adversity; books cheer us when we are depressed, uplift our hearts from the daily grind, and help us over many hard places in life. Through the ages the written word has been fraught with comfort and strength for all mankind, and our debt to books is so large that it can never be paid. Just here may I say a word in behalf of our own home books, and the way we treat them ? What about the books on the top shelf? When some rainy evening the son or daughter of the house frets that there is nothing to read, why not look at the neglected books that you have passed over this long while ? I fear that Ivanhoe is on a top shelf ; in some dark closets that I know, that Pilgrim's Progress gathers dust ; that Macaulay's History of England no longer charms the youthful reader as once it charmed me. Look on the top shelf, for there you may perchance discover Dr. John Brown, and let him intro- 226 Good Manners for All Occasions duce you to Pet Marjorie; or you may find an odd volume of the Spectator, or Cowper's Task, or The Vicar of Wake- Held. Culture comes not by devouring current fiction, which has its uses, to be sure, but by browsing in old pastures and steeping one's soul in the sunlight of days that are no more. HOW TO BEHAVE IN A MUSEUM In a museum one is requested to leave sticks, umbrellas, and hand bags with an attendant at the door, a check being given for their identification and return. A thousand years, it may be three thousand years or more, show us their garnered treasures when we enter a museum. We are face to face with the splendors of the past. Antiquity reveals to us its secrets. We are in Nineveh, in Babylon, in Rome, in Athens, with the men who once owned and con- quered the world. Here is their armor. Here are their char- iots. Here are the chairs and tables, the plates and drinking cups, the mirrors and the spoons and the jewel cases that were theirs. The history of the world is epitomized in a museum. Lingering where we view the progress of the arts and read the story of modern applied science in its infancy, looking at ivories, and carved woods, and curious lace, white as hoar- frost and delicate as mist, we may learn in an hour what we would search great treatises to find. For children a visit to a museum is educational, and they should be often taken there. Good manners in the museum keep us from pushing and shoving, from crowding others out of their places, from loud talking, from any deportment unbecoming a lady or a gen- tleman. Church and Other Public Places 237 IN THE ZOOLOGICAL GARDEN Though it may seem superfluous to speak of good manners in the "Zoo," yet as the lordly lions and stately tigers, and even the chattering monkeys, sometimes appear to reproach visitors for their incivility, it may be well to remind young folk that good manners are at a premium in the circus or the menag- erie, or at any show. Observe the posted rules. Do nothing the keepers prohibit. Take no foolish pleasure in poking fun at poor caged beasts with very uncertain tempers. Do not feed any of the animals unless the attendants give you leave. Do not leave children to their own devices near a lion's cage. GOOD MANNERS IN A CROWD The very hint that good manners may be practiced in a crowd provokes mirth in those who have ever struggled wildly in a mighty throng at a railway terminal, a ferry, or the fa- mous Brooklyn Bridge in the rush hours. Yet good manners there lead the strong to look out for the weak, induce men to give women a chance for a seat, or for their lives, and some- times mark the dividing line between brute force and chivalry. iAmerican crowds are commonly good-natured, but a vast crowd is apt to degenerate into a soulless mob, so that when we enter it, as individuals, we need to mind our manners. GOOD MANNERS IN HOTELS Hotels are temporary homes for the traveling public. Should you arrive at one late at night, good manners require you to seek your room quietly. The dividing walls between hotel chambers are very thin. People should converse in very low tones in their rooms, unless they wish to take into their confidence their invisible neighbors next door. A company of guests reaching an inn by the latest train should not laugh 228 Good Manners for All Occasions or chat on the stairs or in the reception room, lest their merri- ment disturb others in the house who have retired to rest. SHOPPING "It should be remembered that a shop is a public place, where one is seen and heard by strangers. The genuine lady marks her goodness and wisdom by using polite forms of speech. She will not say, *I want such a thing,' but 'Show me, if you please, that article.' A woman of good sense ought to have a very clear idea of what she requires before going shopping, and she will do well to fix in her own mind just what she wants to buy, and how much she is able to pay for it. A lady will always find those little phrases, 'Thank you,' and 'If you please,' will assist her very much in her shopping. If some other lady should be examining goods that you wish to look at, wait until she is through. "Never draw comparisons with goods of another store. When you leave the counter a slight bow is never out of place. On the other hand, familiarity on the part of the clerk should not be allowed, and if he is asked for advice it should be done in such a way that he will give it respectfully." STREET ETIQUETTE "Nowhere has a man or woman greater occasion to exer- cise the virtue of courtesy than on the street, and in no place is the distinction between the polite and the vulgar more clearly marked. In England and America it is not customary, as a general rule, for a gentleman to salute a lady with whom be is not intimate unless he has received a slight bow of rec- ognition, in order to give her an opportunity of discontinuing his acquaintance. But many gentlemen adopt the rule of the (European) Continent, where the gentleman always bows Church and Other Public Places 229 first, leaving it optional with the lady to return his bow or not. "The hat is raised with the hand farthest from the person saluted. "When gentlemen are escorting ladies it is their duty to insist on carrying any article the latter may have in their hands, except the parasol. "Ladies are always entitled to the inner path, and a gen- tleman walking with any person should accommodate his speed to that of his companion. "Never leave a friend suddenly on the street without a brief apology. "If a gentleman wishes to speak to a lady whom he meets on the street, he must turn and walk with her. "Never, except in a case of necessity, stop a business man ; if you must speak with him, walk in his direction, or, if compelled to detain him, state your errand briefly, and apol- ogize for the detention. "A gentleman always throws away his cigar when he turns to walk with ladies. "In stopping to speak to an acquaintance on the street, always step aside. If you are compelled to detain a friend when he is walking with a stranger, apologize to the stranger, who will then withdraw a step or two in order not to hear the conversation. "It is rude to stare at ladies in the street. "Information asked by a lady or stranger should always be promptly and courteously given. "A gentleman cannot under any circumstances 'cut' a lady who has bowed to him. "A gentleman who has rendered any service to a lady whom he does not know will take his leave as soon as his good deed 230 Good Manners j'or All Occasions has been accomplished. She may recognize him the next time they meet or not, as she pleases; it is not considered amiss to do so. "Do not look back after persons, or walk too rapidly, or talk or laugh so as to attract attention. "To talk of domestic affairs in a public vehicle or on the street is very rude. "Never nod to a lady in the street, but take off your hat; it is a courtesy her sex demands. "A lady should never leave a friend on the street suddenly without an apology. "If a lady with whom you are walking recognizes the salute of a person who is a stranger to you, you should re- turn it. "When a lady whom you accompany wishes to enter a store, you should hold the door open and allow her to enter first, if practicable; and you must never pass before a lady an)rwhere without apology. "Ladies should avoid walking too rapidly. Loud talking on the street or in public conveyances is a sure sign of bad training. "No gentleman will stand in the doors of hotels to stare at ladies as they pass. "Do not eat in the street, or attempt to force your way through a crowd. "Ladies should never bow to gentlemen unless they are sure of their identity. "When a lady is crossing a muddy street she should gather her dress in her right hand, and draw it to the right side." XV GOOD MANNERS IN CONVERSATION More than we imagine is revealed by our accent, tone, and speech when we mingle with our friends. Shakespeare has said that "a low voice is an excellent thing in a woman." Indeed, a low, clear voice, with crisp enunciation and agreeable inflection, is an excellent thing in anybody. The voice is an almost unerring indicator of temperament, if not of character. "When Mary is tired," said a mother, "I know it by the sharpness of her tones." A nervous person, easily irritated, speaks in a raised voice, thin and piercing. A placid, self-controlled person rarely allows the voice to rise above a certain key. Ill-bred people shout, shriek, and scream. They do not con- verse. In certain districts of New York, crowded to conges- tion, women hanging out of windows, in shrill vociferation call to each other, or to their children on the sidewalks. They have never learned the beauty of repose; their emotions are on the surface, and they quarrel or jest in a rough dialect and with a fury of invective that stamps them as ignorant and untutored. Their children and grandchildren will probably improve in this regard. The influence of the "little school-ma'am" is per- meating the republic. She is, bless her heart ! the finest force in our Western civilization, and under her hands the children of the lowly, foreign or native-bom, are being shaped and molded in good manners, for good citizenship. 332 Good Manners for All Occasions Emerson has truly remarked, "A gentleman makes no noise ; a lady is serene;" and again, "All that fashion demands is composure and self-content." When we begin to quote from our Sage of Concord we know not where to stop. He says pithily : "As the first thing man requires of man is reality, so that appears in all the forms of society. We pointedly, and by name, introduce the parties to each other. Know you before all heaven and earth that this is Andrew, and this is Gregory. They look each other in the eye; they grasp each other's hand, to identify and signalize each other. It is a great satisfaction. "A gentleman never dodges ; his eyes look straight forward and he assures the other party, first of all, that he has been met. For what is it that we seek, in so many visits and hospitalities? Is it your draperies, pictures, and decorations? Or do we not insatiably ask. Was a man in the house? I may easily go into a great household where there is much sub- stance, excellent provision for comfort, luxury, and taste, and yet not encounter there any Amphitryon who shall sub- ordinate these appendages. "I may go into a cottage, and find a farmer who feels that he is the man I have come to see, and fronts me accordingly. It was therefore a very natural point of old feudal etiquette that a gentleman who received a visit, though it were of his sovereign, should not leave his roof, but should wait his arrival at the door of his house. No house, though it were the Tuil- eries or the Escurial, is good for anything without a master. And yet we are not often gratified by this hospitality. "Everybody we know surrounds himself with a fine house, fine books, conservatory, gardens, equipage, and all manner of toys, as screens to interpose between himself and his guests. Good Manners in Conversation 233 Does it not seem as if man was of a very sly, elusive nature, and dreaded nothing so much as a full, rencontre front to front virith his fellow? "It were unmerciful, I know, quite to abolish the use of these screens, which are an eminent convenience whether the gtiest is too great or too little. We call together many friends to keep each other in play, or by luxuries or orna- ments we amuse the young people and guard our retirement. Or if perchance a searching realist comes to our gate, before whose eye we have no care to stand, then again we run to our curtain, and hide ourselves as Adam at the voice of the Lord God in the garden. "Cardinal Caprara, the pope's legate at Paris, defended himself from the glances of Napoleon by an immense pair of green spectacles. Napoleon remarked them, and speedily managed to rally them off; and yet Napoleon, in his turn, was not great enough, with eight hundred thousand troops at his back, to face a pair of freeborn eyes, but fenced him- self with etiquette and with triple barriers of reserve ; and, as all the world knows from Madame de Stael, was wont, when he found himself observed, to discharge his face of all ex- pression. But emperors and rich men are by no means the most skillful masters of good manners. No rent roll nor army list can dignify skulking and dissimulation ; and the first point of courtesy must always be truth, as really all forms of good breeding point that way. "The complement of this graceful self-respect, and that of all the points of good breeding I most require and insist upon, is deference. I like that every chair should be a throne, and hold a king. I prefer a tendency to stateliness to an excess of fellowship. Let the incommunicable objects of na- ture and the metaphysical isolation of man teach us independ- 234 Good Manners for All Occasions ence. Let us not be too much acquainted. I would have a tnan enter his house through a hall, filled with heroic and sacred sculptures, that he might not want the hint of tran- quillity and self-poise. "We should meet each morning as from foreign countries, and, spending the day together, should depart at night as into foreign countries. In all things I would have the island of a man inviolate. Let us sit apart as the gods, talking with peak to peak, all round 01)anpus. No degree of affection need invade this religion. This is myrrh and rosemary to keep the other sweet. "Lovers should guard their strangeness. If they forgive too much all slides into confusion and meanness. It is easy to push this deference to a Chinese etiquette, but coolness and absence of heat and haste indicate fine qualites." COMMON ERRORS In our common talk, if we may come down from Emerson's mountain-top to the valley road of everyday, we must avoid overrefinement as well as overfamiliarity. Certain delicate ladies think it perfectly dreadful to allude to the leg, though they speak openly enough of the arm. Yet the human being is as dependent on legs as on arms, and there is no reason why we should balk at an allusion to Bobby's broken leg, when we would speak freely of Bobby's fractured arm. Meeting a friend on the street, it is not elegant to inquire, "How are the folks ?" That expression is provincial. But we may with propriety ask, "How are all the family?" "Hadn't ought" is a hopelessly incorrect form, and double negatives are vulgar. A good woman with a heart of gold has not learned in fifty years' intercourse with her kind to pro- nounce a married friend's title properly. She talks of Miss Good Manners in Conversation 235 Wells and Miss Tucker, meaning Mrs. A lady, for twenty years the principal of a primary school, has never broken herself of saying "Ain't," a word very distasteful in its sound to ears polite. Yet, no matter how boldly your acquaintance may trample rough-shod the English you love to speak in purity, your duty to good manners and to his or her sensitiveness is greater than the duty you owe your mother-tongue. Unless you are brutally rude you will never correct a friend by introducing the word that has been misused or mispronounced into your own conversation, and giving it in the accepted way. Let your friend say lawr for law, or amature for amateur, or commit any other blunders, but do not appear to observe the lapse. With children the case is different. Always correct the mistakes of a child. A child is in process of making and must be tutored and trained. Nor should we overlook the fact that children derive a great deal from association and that they unconsciously imitate those with whom they live. Therefore we should sedulously guard a child from companions who use profane or unclean language, this being much more detri- mental than that which is merely inelegant. "Male" and "female" to designate "man" and "woman" have been dropped from present-day speech. This is very modem. So charming a writer as Leigh Hunt, and so de- lightful a novelist as Jane Austin, made constant allusions to "femaks" when describing the women of their day. But do not, dear and gentle reader, give way to the other modern affectation which will have none of us called "ladies" and scorns the good appellation "gentleman." A lady, ac- cording to Philip Hamerton, "is a woman in a high state of civilization." The word means "loaf-given." A lady is mis- tress of her household. She is queen in her own right. That 236 Good Manners for All Occasions the word has been tarnished by its application to those who have no claim to it does not debase it; as ever it is pure coin of the realm. A washerwoman may be a lady, and so may any business woman, but in her business capacity she should speak of herself as a working woman, not a working lady, the latter word conveying ease and dignity. A hod-carrier and a day-laborer may be gentlemen in every essential of character, but we use the term men, when we speak of those engaged in tasks, whatever they are, of brain or hand. Every man is not a gentleman, but every gentleman is first a man. Purposely because I cling to and love these titles I have used them in a book that concerns good manners. Girls may pardon a reminder that wild exaggeration does not adorn conversation. "Terribly nice," "awfully sweet," "tremendously entertaining," applied to commonplace people and occurrences are open to much criticism. I have heard a girl speak of a magnificent sunset as "awfully pretty," and I once listened aghast to a woman who informed a friend that she considered beefsteak and onions "perfectly divine." A well-dressed woman who did not eat with her knife re- marked to a companion in a restaurant, to the dismay of everybody in the neighborhood, "Them clams is grand !" This is a land where public schools are multiplied and culture is in the air we breathe ! To epitomize, let us try the concrete form once more. Here are a few rules compiled by another writer on the ETIQUETTE OF CONVERSATION Dr. Johnson says that in order to converse well, "there must, in the first place, be knowledge — there must be materials ; in the second place, there must be a command of words ^ in the third place, there must be imagination to place things in Good Manners in Conversation 237 such views as they are not commonly seen in ; and, in the fourth place, there must be a presence of mind, and a resolution that is not to be overcome by failure — this last is an essential requisite; for want of it many people do not excel in con- versation." The art of expressing one's thoughts in clear, simple Eng- lish is one of the utmost importance to those who mix in good society. A half-opened mouth, a perpetual smile, a vacant stare, and a wandering eye are all evidences of ill breeding. One should try to repress all excessive emotion of whatever kind. As conversation is the principal business in company, we cannot pay too much attention to it. Wit in conversation consists more in finding it in others than in showing a great deal one's self; for if a man goes from our company pleased with himself and his own wit he is perfectly well pleased with us. A gentleman will never permit himself to lose his temper in society, and he will never talk at people, or "show off" in strange company. Women, clergymen, and men of learning or years should always be addressed with respect and attention. It is bad taste to talk of fevers to a physician, or stocks to a broker, or in fact to talk "shop" of any kind. Conversation ought not to relate to domestic matters. Yet, as people take more interest in their own affairs than in any- thing else, it is a mark of tact to lead a mother to speak of her children, or a young lady to talk of her summer at a watering place. Some people spoil every party they join by making it their only object to prove that everyone present is in the wrong but tVi^ipgelves ; such ill-bred and ill-timed argumentativeness Bflould be strictly avoided. 238 Good Manners for All Occasions Advice is never to be given unasked, and information should be asked and given with caution. A gentleman will not make a statement unless he is abso- lutely convinced of its truth. He is attentive to any person who may be speaking to him, and is equally ready to speak or to listen as the case may require. He never descends to flattery, although he will not withhold a deserved compliment. If he has traveled he does not introduce that information into his conversation at every opportunity. He does not help out, or forestall, the slow speaker, but in conversing with foreigners, who do not understand our lan- guage perfectly, and at times are unable to find the right word, politely assists them by suggesting it. He converses with a foreigner in his own language; if not competent to do so, he apologizes and begs permission to speak English. He does not try to use fine language, long words, or high- sounding phrases. He does not boast of birth, money, or friends. The initial of a person's name, as, "Mr. H.," should never be used to designate him. Long stories should be avoided. One's country or customs should be defended without hes- itation, but also without anger or undue warmth. Scandal is the least excusable of all conversational vul- garities. When a grammatical or verbal error is committed by per- sons with whom one is conversing it is not to be corrected. Words and phrases that have a double meaning are to be avoided. Good Manners in Conversation 2$g Politics, religion, and all topics specially interesting to gen- tlemen, such as the turf, the exchange, or the farm, should be excluded from general conversation when ladies are present. Long arguments in general company, no matter how enter- taining to the disputants, are to the last degree tiresome. Anecdotes should be very sparsely introduced, unless they are short, witty, and appropriate. Proverbs should be as carefully used as puns; and a pun should never be perpetrated unless it rises to the rank of witticism. It is always silly to try to be witty. It is not polite to interrupt a person when conversing. Refrain from the use of satire, even if you are master of the art. It is permissible only as a guard against imper- tinence, or for the purpose of checking personalities or trou- blesome intrusions. Under no circumstances whatever should it be used merely for amusement's sake, to produce an effect, or in order to show off one's wit. It is extremely ill-bred to whisper in company. A gentleman looks but never stares at those with whom he converses. The name of any person, present or absent, to whom refer- ence is made should be given if possible. Place should always be given to one's elders. Death is not a proper subject for conversation with a deli- cate person, or shipwreck with a sea-captain's wife, or deformi- ties before a deformed person, or failures in the presence of a bankrupt; for, as Heine says, "God has given us speech in order that we may say pleasant things to our friends." We should let it be the object of our conversation to please, and in order to do this we should not converse on subjects that might prove distasteful to any person present." XVI CORRECT MANNERS FOR MEN As men and women live toget'her and society is composed of both, this book has already had a great deal to say about good manners for men. Young men frequently write letters to people who are supposed to know what is right to do or wrong to do socially, and a few hints may not be unwelcome to such inquirers. One great advantage over a woman is possessed by every man. It is allowed to him as a graceful act, and expected of him as a gentleman, that he shall lift his hat when meeting a friend. If he pause and converse with a lady on the street he should remove his hat from his head entirely and hold it in his hand. Of course, in extreme cold or stormy weather he is pardoned if he simply lifts his hat and puts it on again, but the most courteous gentlemen I have ever known have insisted on stand- ing bareheaded, in any weather, if conversing with a lady out-of-doors. A man does not detain a woman on the street in a long con- versation. He asks her permission to walk with her in the direction she is going, if he desires to talk. A gentleman meeting an acquaintance who is accompanied by ladies always removes his hat entirely in a passing saluta- tion, even if he is not acquainted with the ladies. A gentleman in an elevator, in a shop, office building, or hotel removes his hat if ladies are present. Correct Manners for Men 241 A gentleman allows ladies to precede him on most occa- sions. Yet good form obliges him to precede a lady in leaving a crowded building, because if he has occupied the seat nearest the aisle it would cause delay should he stand aside that the lady under his escort might go out first. A man takes the outside of the street in a promenade, the reason for this dating back some centuries to periods when women could not walk on public roads for fear of molestation from rough fellows, and when there were more dangers and perils than there are now. In all circumstances of difficulty or danger a man takes the initiative for the defense of women. It is permissible to a man in circumstances of unusual peril — as when an accident occurs on a train or in a building — to speak to and care for a woman whom he does not know. When the exigency is over he does not presume upon the acquaintance thus made, but bows and leaves her at once. A gentleman who wishes to call upon a lady asks her per- mission if he may do so. If he desires to correspond with her he asks the privilege. If he wishes to escort to her home a lady whom he knows, after an evening meeting or a concert, he requests her consent to accompany her. In calling upon a young lady for the first time it is the gentleman's duty to ask for her mother, or her hostess if she is visiting away from home. A gentleman should not take a lady to any place to which he would not take his sister. It should be his first care to guard any woman of his acquaintance from misunderstanding and misrepresentation. He should not ask a young girl to lunch with him alone in a restaurant. A gentleman does not display the photographs of young lady friends to other gentlemen, neither does he ever speak 242 Good Manners for All Occasions of his women friends in public places, or allow anyone to speak slightingly of them in his presence. When ladies enter a room a gentleman immediately rises and remains standing until the ladies have either seated them- selves or passed out of the room. Should they leave the room, it is a man's place to open the door for thepi- Should they remain, he ofifers them chairs before seating himself. No gentleman allows a lady to carry a chair from one room to another without offering to relieve her. A husband, if courteous, is punctilious in offering simple attentions of this kind to his wife, and no man in good health and strength, whatever his age, suffers a woman to do little things for herself in a parlor which he can conveniently do for her. A man should learn how to place a chair for a lady at a table. It would be the height of ill manners to seat himself at a table before the ladies of the company had taken their seats, and especially he should wait until his hostess is seated. The foe of all ease of manner is self-consciousness. A dif- fident man, though a gentleman, often fractures the rules of good breeding. After the lapse of fifty years an old gentlewoman lately remembered the clumsiness and awkwardness of a certain youthful suitor of hers, and said to me, "Probably Jack would have been my husband if he had not been so bashful. I never went anywhere with him that he did not manage to tread on my dress and tear it, or do some disagreeable thing of that kind." The man in question who had been much in love with this lady died a bachelor, owing probably to his overwhelming self-consciousness. Gentlemen should never make long or late calls. One esti- Correct Manners for Men 243 mable young man whom I recall was the dreaid of all his friends because he had a habit of making evening calls, arriv- ing about eight and remaining until the stroke of eleven, until everybody was tired out with the monotony of his con- versation. Yet he was a well-informed and commendable person, lacking conspicuously the tact which makes life easy and smooth. A gentleman should never seize the word and monopolize the conversation. This is a very serious fault in a young man. Neither should he linger in his leave-taking. A man who is calling at a home where there are a number of ladies does not in leave-taking pass around and separately shake hands with everyone. He simply extends his hand to his hostess and takes a general leave of the others with a bow. A gentleman must never allow a lady to sit backward in a carriage, and must himself sit with his back to the horses if there is not room on the other seat. A young lady, let it be remarked, should pay this same def- erence to a married or an elderly one. A gentleman steps from the carriage before ladies in order that he may help them out each in turn. "When a lady ascends a tallyho coach she goes first, a gentleman mounting the ladder one or two steps be- hind her and keeping her dress in place by his stick. In de- scending he goes first for the same reason, both going down backward. The companion ways on board ship are mounted in the same manner. In a street car it is a man's courteous habit to pass a lady's fare to the box if there is no conductor to take it, and he should also step off a car rather than allow a lady to be uncomfortably crowded as she enters or leaves it. He does not, however, oflfer to pay the fare of any woman not in his family, whom he chances to meet. This is a liberty taken by 244 Good Manners for All Occasions some gentlemen under the impression that it is polite for them to pay the fare of a friend. Rather than have a controversy over a trifle, a woman should yield if a man insists, but it is not expected that he will pay anyone's fare but his own and that of ladies who are in his company. A gentleman, of course, pays the fare of a lady whom he is escorting from one place to another, unless it be on a long railway trip, when she usually hands him her pocketbook that he may purchase her ticket. Young men, from an early age, should accustom themselves to going about with their mothers and sisters. They thus acquire ease and social tact which can be obtained in no other way. Mrs. Florence Howe Hall in her excellent book on Social Customs has a chapter on Washington etiquette, part of which is so interesting that I venture to quote it here. THE ETIQUETTE OF THE CAPITAL "The etiquette of Washington differs from that of other American cities ; it is customary there for strangers to call first upon the members of the government and on the wives of official personages. For this purpose receptions are held every afternoon, and a special day is set apart for each branch of the government. Thus, Monday is Judges' Day, and on that afternoon the justices of the Supreme Court remain at home and receive callers, assisted by the ladies of their families. "Tuesday is the reception day of the members of the House of Representatives; Wednesday, of the Cabinet officers; Thursday, of the Senators; and Friday, of the Diplomatic Corps. The President's receptions are usually held on Sat- urday; and on that day the residents of Connecticut Avenue receive calls. The reason for this very catholic hospitality is an obvious one. It would be impossible for the wives of Con- Correct Manners for Men 245 gressmen, Cabinet ofScers, and others to call first upon every- one who came to the national capital; and yet according to our republican theories every American citizen has a right to social recognition at the hands of the rulers whom his voice has helped to elect. Hence the wives of our public servants throw open their houses to visitors on each day of the week during the season, and any person who chooses has a right to attend these informal receptions. According to Washing- ton etiquette all these calls must be promptly returned; as their number and frequency are very great, they make the social duties of an oificial hostess very burdensome. Such a lady often employs a private secretary, whose duty it is to keep a record of the visits made, visits returned, and those still to be returned. "The wives of the Cabinet officers recently rebelled against this slavery to the traveling public (for it. is nothing else), and caused it to be known that they would not undertake to re- turn calls personally, but that their cards would be sent instead. This course, however, gave rise to some bitterness of feeling among those who did not understand the exigencies of the situation, and who felt themselves insulted, fogetting that a public servant and his wife ought not to be made public slaves. "The wife of one of our Secretaries of State is said to have seriously injured her health by her punctiliousness in return- ing all visits. As our country is increasing in population with such rapidity, and as the throng of visitors in Washington is in consequence growing constantly greater, it would seem as if some remedy must be found for this growing evil, and as if the course of the Cabinet ladies was the only one possible for them to pursue. "When the society in Washington was comparatively small, and the strangers who came to the city in the gay season com- 246 Good Manners for All Occasions paratively few, all was very different; but matters have changed very much at our national capital within five or six years. Transient visitors and excursionists now visit it in enormous numbers, and intrude themselves in houses where they have no right to go at all in some instances, and in others only on certain days of the week. "It would seem as if common sense ought to teach people that to a card reception (that is, where the guests are all invited by card) no one save those specially invited would have a right to go ; but the Washington tourist is very unre- flecting. His rule of conduct often resembles that of the Irish- man — ^where you see a head, hit it. Where the Washington tourist sees a number of carriages standing before the door of a mansion, he immediately enters thereat ; and whether he is one or whether he is two hundred makes absolutely no dif- ference in his view of the situation. The result of his theories is naturally disastrous. No private house can hold an un- limited number of people ; and where the uninvited throng in such numbers the invited guests are unable to gain admission. "A Washington lady received cards for a reception given by an official person. It was a little late when she started, and upon her arrival in Avenue she found a surging throng of people in and around the door of the house where the reception was to be held. After striving with the crowd for an hour or more, and reaching only the vestibule of the mansion, she and her escort gave up the attempt to gain fur- ther admission, and went home without having been to the party at all ! It transpired afterward that an excursion of two hundred people had arrived in Washington on that day, and had attended Mr. 's reception en masse! "Thus it is evident that the public abuses its privileges, and if less democratic customs should be adopted the people them- Correct Manners for Men 247 selves would be to blame. All public libraries and parks are conducted on the theory that the public will respect their own possessions; the moment that they cease to do so, that they begin to abuse the books or deface the beauty of the grass and trees, the free system becomes impossible. It is the same with the freedom of entrance in Washington society. It can only continue while the public are 'upon honor,' and behave like ladies and gentlemen. "No doubt the tourists are less to blame in regard to their conduct in Washington than might at first sight be supposed. Being strangers in the land, they naturally believe whatever is told them, forgetting that hotel keepers, agents for excur- sions, hack drivers, and others may, through interested mo- tives, offer them more opportunities of sight-seeing and visit- ing than they have a legitimate right to do. It is to be feared also that mankind have a tendency to be less careful about their behavior when they are in foreign lands than they would be in their native place, where habit and the desire to appear well in the eyes of their fellow-townsmen act as restraining influences. "One should always remember that traveling is the severest test of good breeding; the man who does not forget his polite- ness among strangers, people whom he never expects to see again, will not be likely to forget it anywhere. It is a dan- gerous matter, too, to imagine that one's behavior in another city or country will not be known at home. This world is a very small place ; we are liable, even on the most lonely moun- tain top, to be seen by an acquaintance ; and by some mysteri- ous process of social telegraphy our misdemeanors, if we com- mit any, reach home as soon as we do, usually increased by kind and friendly report to twice their natural size. 248 Good Manners for All Occasions CORRECT DRESS FOR MEN Briefly speaking, a man wears evening clothes after six o'clock, and business clothes up to that hour. A great deal of amusement was occasioned in this country some years ago by the report that in a certain inland city one of the prominent society gentlemen put on evening clothes to meet a distin- guished visitor at noon. This should never be done. What is strictly called a dress suit is intended only for evening wear. Some years ago in a little village in Germany the son of the pastor decided to seek his fortune in America. It was a family of simple tastes and great poverty. Father, grand- father, and great-grandfather had been village pastors. The present youth was the first to break the line of succession. He wished to migrate, found a new home, and make a fortune in the golden land beyond the sea. Great was the solicitude of his parents and friends that he should be properly fitted out for his appearance on these shores. The mother procured what she supposed to be an accurate fashion plate, and with the aid of the village tailor she made for her son several well- fitting and durable suits modeled after the traditional dress worn by Uncle Sam in all of the pictures familiar to our eyes. When the unfortunate youth, thus arrayed from top to toe, landed in New York he found himself followed on the streets by a curious, jeering crowd. He had no money to buy other clothing, and was obliged to wear out the ridiculous costumes in which the loving hands of the people at home had dressed him. Going to the far West, he became in time a man of large wealth. Sons and grandsons have graduated with honors from the great Eastern universities, but all have inherited the absolute horror and distaste of their father for anything re- sembling evening dress, the costume of Uncle Sam being not unlike, so far as cut is concerned, that worn indifferently by Correct Manners for Men 249 waiters at the Waldorf and gentlemen who go to parties in the evening. What is called a dinner coat, or Tuxedo, is a modified form of the dress coat. It is a comfortable garment, is worn by youths before they adopt the full dress coat, and is always a very attractive garment for a man. Men who are particu- lar in dressing for dinner in the evening at home — such men being largely in the minority in America — always put on, when there is no company, a dinner coat. The Norfolk or plaited jacket, or the single or double-breasted sack coat is admirable for golf, wheeling, or any such summer outing. Negligee shirts have largely supplanted the old stiff, starched shirt once thought the only thing for a man to wear. A frock or Prince Albert coat is worn with a high hat, never with a soft hat or derby. At present there is more ornamenta- tion allowed in the matter of waistcoats and more color is introduced than was formerly considered good taste. In busi- ness wear a rough cheviot or other good-wearing material. Elderly men like the frock coat. Conspicuous jewelry is exceedingly vulgar for men. The only place in which a man has much chance to show his taste is in the choice of his ties, cravats, and hosiery. Men are as particular as girls with regard to what they wear in these particulars. As fashions continually change, the best plan is to wear something that will not make the wearer especially conspicu- ous and which will still be in good taste. THE BACHELOR AS A HOST In these days the bachelor apartment house has come to be a feature of American life. The thronging to cities of men who are away from home has made imperative some pro- 250 Good Manners for All Occasions vision for them other than the ordinary boarding house. Men who are sufficiently well oflf to marry are often, and we think unfortunately, so comfortable in their bachelor homes that they shirk the obligation of asking some woman to be the queen of the home, and thus they sacrifice the honor they might have as head of the house. A bachelor apartment house may consist of several rooms en suite or simply of a single room and bath. Sometimes sev- eral unmarried men club together and rent an apartment, hav- ing a man or an elderly woman to relieve them of care, keep the apartment in order, and perhaps do the cooking. Quite often men get their meals outside, lunching or dining or break- fasting at a convenient restaurant. Should a bachelor desire to give a party or a reception, he must first secure a matron of his acquaintance to act as chaperon for the affair. This lady will take entire charge for the evening, and will relieve the situation of all embar- rassment for the girls or young men whom the bachelor host invites. He may properly provide exactly such a supper or such a spread by way of entertainment as would be given anywhere else by anyone else. A bachelor may also, if he please, entertain his friends at jL popular restaurant or inn, always asking congenial people, and being sure that the proper chaperon is provided. XVII MORE ABOUT CHILDREN'S ETIQUETTE Early in this book we have had a chapter on good manners for children. It is in order here to introduce our little men and maids again, for they are always running in and out of the home, and form the most beautiful part of our domestic life. They also form by far the most important part of it, for we older ones are fast passing from the stage, while they are coming on. In a few years they will take our places. Good manners will prepare them for life's duties. Fancy, if you can, a world without children ; never a little foot going patter, patter, patter, up and down the stairs, never the gleeful laugh of little children, never the innocent faces sparkling and dimpling with joy, nor the tiny hands tugging at the mother's skirts. The children are so dear, and child- hood is so sweet, that only cynics turn away when eager voices call and the little people claim attention. SHALL WE aVE A CHILDREN'S PARTY? Dorothy is six years old. On her birthday she wishes to have a party. So Gladys, Barbara, Margaret, Helen, Lucy, and Eleanor are invited, and also Francis, Johnny, Edwin, Max, Hans, and the other little boys who live in Dorothy's neighborhood. If there are small cousins they are asked, too. Dorothy's mother probably writes the little notes of invita- tion, as fingers that have only been taught in kindergart^' 252 Good Manners for All Occasions have not learned to hold a pen. The notes may be rather formal, thus: ^orotbp pretittEie nekti tilt pleaettre of ©lalpji iHtartitt'jf tompanp at fter fiirtjjlrap partp, j^onaap afternoon, ^prtl tentjb, front ti)ree nntil bit: o'clotli. Or her mother — ^and this is the prettier — may write to Gladys's mother, and to the other mothers, saying: Dear iHrc- JHp little Daroti)p totll lie aij: pears olK ne^t ^onlrap, anH sl)e i& to |)abe a little partp. Jlap (SlaSps come 7 Sri)e i)Ottrs taiill be front t\)xtt until sij:. (ZCmlp ponrB, rhen I next write to her I shall charge her not to neglect it on any account. I often tell young ladies that no excellence in music is to be acquired without constant practice. I have told Miss Bennet several times that she will never play really well unless she practices more ; and although Mrs. Collins has no instrument, she is very welcome, as I have often told her, to come to Rosings every day, and play on the pianoforte in Mrs. Jenkinson's room. She would be in nobody's way, you know, in that part of the house.' "Mr. Darcy looked a little ashamed of his aunt's ill breed- ing, and made no answer. "When coffee was over. Colonel Fitzwilliam reminded Eliz- abeth of having promised to play to him; and she sat down directly to the instrument. He drew a chair near hers. Lady Catherine listened to half a song, and then talked, as before, to her other nephew; till the latter walked away from her, and, moving with his usual deliberation to the pianoforte, sta- tioned himself so as to command a full view of the fair per- former's countenance. Elizabeth saw what he was doing, and at the first convenient pause turned to him with an arch smile, and said: " "You mean to frighten me, Mr. Darcy, by coming in all this state to hear me ? But I will not be alarmed though your sister does play so well. There is a stubbornness about me that never can bear to be frightened at the will of others. My courage always rises with evi. ry attempt to intimidate me.' " 'I shall not say that you are mistaken,' he replied, 'because Manners in Different Periods of History 343 you could not really believe me to entertain any design of alarming you ; and I have had the pleasure of your acquaint- ance long enough to know that you find great enjoyment in occasionally professing opinions that are not your own.' "Elizabeth laughed heartily at the picture of herself, and said to Colonel Fitzwilliam, 'Your cousin will give you a very pretty notion of me, and teach you not to believe a word I say. I am particularly unlucky in meeting with a person so well able to expose my real character, in a part of the world where I had hoped to pass myself off with some degree of credit. Indeed, Mr. Darcy, it is very ungenerous in you to mention all that you knew to my disadvantage in Hertfordshire — and, give me leave to say, very impolitic, too — for it is provoking me to retaliate, and such things may come out as will shock your relations to hear.' " 'I am not afraid of you,' said he, smilingly. "Pray let me hear what you have to accuse him of,' cried Colonel Fitzwilliam. 'I should like to know how he behaves among strangers.' "The young lady thus challenged proceeded naively to re- late how the young gentleman had carried himself on the oc- casion of their first meeting. Elizabeth Bennet had no shy- ness, but she was not forward. She had the air of piquant sweetness which is a charm of girlhood in any century and is the monopoly of none. An attractive girl can always keep the young men in a drawing room tied to her apron-string by a smile and a word that is at once gracious and perverse, if the antithesis may be pardoned. " 'Shall we ask,' said Elizabeth, 'how it can be that a man of sense and education, and who has lived in the world, is ill qualified to recommend himself to strangers ?' '"I can answer your question,' said Fitzwilliam, 'without 344 Good Manners for All Occasions applying to him. It is because he will not give himself the trouble.' " 'I have certainly not the talent which some people pos- sess,' said Darcy, 'of conversing with those I have never seen before. I cannot catch their tone of conversation, or appear interested in their concerns, as I often see done.' " 'My fingers,' said Elizabeth, 'do not move over this in- strument in the masterly manner which I see so many women's do. They have not the same force or rapidity, and do not produce the expression. But then I have always supposed it to have been my own fault — ^because I would not take the trouble of practicing. It is not that I do not believe my fingers as capable as any other woman's of superior execution.' "Darcy smiled and said, 'You are perfectly right. You have employed your time much better. No one admitted to the privilege of hearing you can think anything wanting. We neither of us perform to strangers.' "Here they were interrupted by Lady Catherine, who called out to know what they were talking of. Elizabeth immediately began to play again. Lady Catherine approached, and, after listening for a few minutes, said to Darcy : " 'Miss Bennet would not play at all amiss if she practiced more, and could have the advantage of a London master. She has a very good notion of fingering, though her taste is not equal to Anne's. Anne would have been a delightful per- former had her health allowed her to learn.' "Elizabeth looked at Darcy to see how cordially he assented to his cousin's praise; but neither at that moment nor at any other could she discern any symptom of love, and from the whole of his behavior to Miss de Bourgh she derived this comfort for Miss Bingley, that he might have been just as likdy to marry her, had she been his relation. Manners in Different Periods of History 345 "Lady Catherine continued her remarks on Elizabeth's per- formance, mixing them with many instructions on execution and taste. Elizabeth received them with all the forbearance of civility, and, at the request of the gentlemen, remained at the instrument till her ladyship's carriage was ready to take them all home." In Miss Austen's books a piano is always spoken of as "the instrument," and the chief end of man and woman in her view, while they are young and fancy-free, is as soon as possible to fall in love. All through English novels we find glimpses of fine peo- ple and their behavior. Thackeray, Dickens, William Black, Thomas Hardy, and George Meredith all excel in describing manners, and one deep value of any romance is that it set forth plainly the intercourse of people as revealed in their common life, their social gayety, and their ordinary conversa- tion. Biography also illuminates life in this way. No one can hope to acquire a perfect manner who is not to some extent a student of the manners of the past. NINETEENTH CENTURY GOOD SOCIETY If we may trust the chroniclers of the later nineteenth century, a wave of boorishness at that period passed over those who claimed to belong to the higher ranks, and made their manners somewhat degenerate. Lords and ladies, squires and dames, fell into a wretched habit of using slang, of interlard- ing their talk with profanity, and of rudely contradicting and interrupting those with whom they conversed. Where self- ishness and rudeness enter good breeding is trampled under foot. It is an impossibility to have politeness without altru- ism; regard for others is the foundation stone of urbane manners. Politeness is built upon the Golden Rule. 34^ Good Manners for All Occasions WOMEN THE DICTATORS Women are the natural dictators of manners. In the divi- sion of labor which began in the Garden of Eden it was Adam's part to till the ground, and Eve's to dress and keep it. Man goes forth as the pioneer to do the rough work, and woman makes the home. No home, in the true sense, ever exists unless by the grace of woman's gently guiding hand. The home idea is largely in the heart of woman first, and becomes materialized as woman dictates. Where the wife is at once firm and gentle, serene and brave, she teaches her children to be thoughtful, considerate, and amiable, and the manners in the home reach out toward a fine and beautiful courtesy. I can think of home after home where the spirit of the mother infuses itself throughout the entire circle, so that, though the husband and father may be brusque and im- perious, the sons and daughters are modeled not after his pattern, but after that set by the wife and mother. Hers is the little leaven, that, dropped in three measures of meal, leavens the entire lump. Ruskin claims that with both Scott and Shakespeare it is the woman who watches over, teaches, and guides the youth who is in love with her. It is never by any chance the youth who watches over or educates the woman. In a very charming review of literature going back from English to Greek authors, Ruskin tells us that everywhere woman was preeminent in influence and in the molding of manners. "For the chief ideal type of human beauty and faith," the Greek turned to the mother and wife. All the great authors of the world. Homer, Virgil, Dante, Chaucer, Shakespeare, Sir Walter Scott, Hawthorne, Longfellow, Whittier, and a multitude of lesser writers, have loved to depict not so much Manners in Different Periods of History 347 men as women, because women are really the potential factors in the world's development rather than men. Ruskin says, still pursuing the same subject, "The perfect loveliness of a woman's countenance can only consist in that majestic peace which is founded in the memory of happy and useful years full of sweet records, and from the joining of this with that yet more majestic childishness which is still full of change and, promise, open always, modest at once, and bright with the hope of better things to be won and to be bestowed. There is no old age where there is still that promise." The same author says, and it cannot be too often repeated, "Do not think you can make a girl lovely if you do not make her happy," and in this connection I like to recall Words- worth's lines: "Three years she grew in sun and shower, Then nature said, 'A lovelier flower On earth was never sown. This child I to myself will take, She shall be mine, and I will make A lady of my own. " 'Myself will to my darling be Both law and impulse, and with me The girl in rock and plain, In earth and heaven, in glade and bower, Shall feel an overseeing Power To kindle or restrain.' " WOMAN OR LADY? Shall we say woman, or shall we say ladyf In these days there has been a revolt against the use of the word "lady." There is a legitimate place for the word. Philip Hamerton 348 Good Manners for All Occasions defined a lady as a woman in a high state of civilization. The word means loaf-giver, and carries with it the exquisite sug- gestion of the mother and the home-maker, the one who dis- penses bread and kisses, if you please, to the children under the roof. That mediaeval Elizabeth whose churlish husband forbade her to give alms to the poor was a true lady, never more so than when she sallied forth with her basket of loaves to feed the hungry. Tradition tells that her curmudgeon of a husband met her on this errand and harshly commanded her to uncover her basket, when, lo! instead of loaves, were revealed roses white and red. It is a pretty legend well be- fitting the story of a lady. But when we talk of salesladies, washladies, and scrubladies we are misusing and prostituting a beautiful and decorative word. A lady does not cease to be a lady when her hands are engaged with homely toil, but she is then more properly spoken of as a woman. As the mother of the race she is woman. As the dictator of manners in a highly dvilized period, she is lady. XXIX JUST AMONG OURSELVES A CHAPTER FOR NERVOUS PEOPLE The relentless pressure of our times and the continual temptation to worry because we cannot keep the pace has brought about the prevalence of nervous trouble and hysteria to a lamentable extent. Which of us has not some friend who is broken down through nervous exhaustion? Who has not known the day when she had to keep a firm grip of herself lest she should laugh or cry when she did not wish to do either? We are hurried beyond the bounds of wisdom and common sense, and, more or less, we are driven to death. Hurry lies in wait for us like a wild beast in ambush, and pounces upon us before we are dressed in the morning. Worry seizes us by the teeth and shakes us over an abyss into which we are desperately sure we shall plunge. The result is that hurry and worry rob our manners of repose, and our faces of beauty long before we are old. A gifted writer has said that "a woman can spoil a beautiful face by an unlovely expression of the mouth, and she can make a comely one ridic- ulous by grotesque contortions of which she is unconscious. If you doubt this just go out on a crowded thoroughfare in a shopping district some morning with the deliberate purpose to study facial expression. Almost every other woman you meet will be an object lesson to you of what not to do. "It really is of vast importance that you give serious atten- 350 GiooD Manners for All Occasions tion to the fact that the mouth is in such intimate sympathy with your every thought and feeling. That a very large ma- jority of women are unconscious or heedless of this fact is evidenced every hour in the day; not merely by the fleeting distortions in which they indulge, that are like a passing cloud, but by the positively weird grimaces which are sometimes stamped upon the faces for many minutes, and which reveal, if we follow Lavater's method of studying character by imi- tating the expression, a curious mixture of wayward, half- formed impulses and indefinite thoughts. "Among these controlling nerve-fibers of the face there is all the time a sort of war of conquest going on between those of the great sympathetic system, which register every phys- ical sensation and supply nutrition to the skin, and these higher servants of the brain which convey, and therefore, if we are not on our guard, betray, our thoughts. Not only acts but imptilses and feelings which are registered leave their marks; but the exercise of the will, controlling by thought our emo- tions, can efface the work of the latter. There is an intuitive association between the muscles of expression and the nerve- centers of thought and feeling, and it is only by being on our guard that we can control this photograph, as it were, of our most fleeting thoughts. With our utmost care, at times it is impossible. "Whenever the thoughts turn in their habitual direction, a stream of nervous fluid is conveyed to the corresponding mus- cles of expression, and even when the face is held in unusual control they leave their impression, strengthening and deep- ening lines, however imperceptibly at the moment, that grave upon the face its character. Even in dreams every faintest emotion chases its fellow over the countenance of the uncon- scious sleeper, betraying joy or sorrow. Just Among Ourselves 351 "The thin face, usually an accomplishment of the extreme nervous temperament, exposes a very legible story of the prevalent emotions and thoughts. Strong people who are wont to exercise supreme authority carry it in the eye, and the calm, self-controlled mouth simply expresses confidence. Always it is to be observed that success gives confidence; and confidence, ease, and freedom from tension. "The old aphorism concerning a guard upon the lips should have a double interpretation; for lax and flabby ones tell a silent tale that he who runs may read of yielding to physical impulses and temptations. It is not alone the spoken word but the visible thought over whose control we must learn discretion. "When you have cultivated a critical faculty by observing the curious and absurd tricks and mannerisms by which women make attractive faces ugly and mediocre ones repul- sive, study the methods by which plain ones are illuminated. Habitual pouting enlarges and coarsens the under lip, as does also the thrusting it forward with the chin when nourishing a sense of fancied injury. Twisting the mouth is one of the most common tricks; sometimes it is a scornful upward curl of one corner involving the nose ; again it is a pursing of the lips as if to whistle; and sometimes it is a grinding of the jaws that screws all one side of the face out of shape. Thrusting the tongue about in unnatural postures is another common habit. It is quite bad enough when rolled around in the cheek, but when stuck out between the lips it will make an intelligent face appear idiotic. "If you have never noticed these tricks of facial contortion, you will be amazed by their variety and the frequency of the deplorable habit; and they are actually contagious, both from conscious and unconscious imitation. Whatever is before us 352 Good Manners for All Occasions all the time inevitably leaves its impress upon our minds, and, according to the intensity of this, is reflected in our faces. Recognizing this law, we must guard against dwelling upon any such blemish which may confront us daily. "The influence of every bad habit is inevitably to chisel deep lines in conformity to the expression, howsoever deform- ing it may be. And, moreover, there is no period in life when these subtle and silent agents, the muscles and their con- trolling nerves, are not at work making or marring the beauty of the face ; their model always being that which is held before the mind's eye. Thus, the standards of comparison in models of Greek art and other masterpieces, ever present to the mind of the artist, leave their ennobling impress upon the lines of his features." Think noble thoughts if you would have nobility of feature. EARLY RISING I have long been convinced that most American women go to bed too late and rise too early. The fetich of early rising is worshiped thoughtlessly by thousands. Why is there any special merit in rising early unless one's work makes it neces- sary? Thousands and ten thousands are compelled by the ex- acting demands of strenuous labor to rise with the dawn or be- fore it. When duty calls, this is right, but there is no merit in getting up early simply for the sake of doing so, nor should the one early riser in the house compel everyone else to bow to her will. Breakfast in bed is a luxury which should be committed to old people, invalids, and all who find that they can better undertake the day's work if breakfast comes first. When a woman finds herself becoming irritable, fretful, and peevish, although her average of health has not been apparently im- paired, she may be sure that nature is bidding her call a halt. It is time to go more slowly. Probably she is not getting all Just Among Ourselves 353 the sleep she needs. .Beauty sleep comes before midnight. Those who habitually burn the midnight oil need not expect to retain good looks and nerves in equipoise until their latest day. Yet health is every woman's birthright. Not one of us has a right to go about the world in suffering and nervous distress if we can help it and if we do we may be sure that somewhere there has been mistake or sin. To control the ex- pression of nervous irritability is within the power of every woman. When annoyed we may keep perfectly quiet; when we find our voices becoming loud, and our tones overemphatic, we may as well stop and think. The habit of talking in italics is a vicious one in which no sensible woman should indulge. In order to facilitate ease of mind too much should not be left to memory. Nervous people, and particularly nervous women, should save themselves every particle of unnecessary trouble and strain. Do not try, for instance, to remember all that you have to do during the week. Enter on the daily cal- endar the engagements for each day, and when the day comes look at the record and check off whatever you find you cannot undertake. In shopping, provide yourself with full memo- randa of what you want, and the order in which you intend to make purchases. Classified lists will very greatly assist memory. An address book is a convenience to the woman who has either a large correspondence or a number of friends who reside in different places or are scattered about in different localities of the city or suburbs. The address book should be carefully revised from year to year, because Americans are nomadic and do not reside for long periods in the same place. Another great beautifier which is also a great help to good temper, and consequently to good manners, is a habit of taking daily exercise in the fresh air. Women often fancy that be- cause they are a great deal on their feet, going up and down 354 Good Manners for All Occasions stairs, making beds, and doing houMework, they do not need other exercise. Never is there a greater mistake than to sup- pose that any indoor exercise at all equals what we get 'by walking, playing games, bicycling, or engaging in anything that keeps a person out of doors for several consecutive h^urs. My old Welsh friend, long since gone to the beautiful land out of our sight, lived to a good old age, retaining every per- sonal charm and never yielding an inch to the modem dis- tress of agitated nerves. She was never ruffled ; she never lost her equanimity, but to the scandal of her neighbors she often left beds unmade all day long, with the wind blowing through the house from open and opposite windows, and at any mo- ment she would drop whatever work of sewing or housewif- ery presented itself, that she might, as she said, enjoy a beau- tiful day. We all enjoy far too little the wonderful picturesque beauty of the sky, the glory of the clouds, the blossoms in the spring, and the brilliant coloring of the forests in the fall. We have an idea that we are WASTING TIME if we spend it in any way that has not something to do directly with utility. The best use to which we can put time, in the interest of ourselves and our dear ones, is to maintain a high rate of health and a high rate of spirits. Sometimes nervous trouble comes from the eyes, which need glasses to rest them. Quite often a woman who has been a martyr to headache and depression is entirely relieved by following the advice of a good oculist. Rudeness and the blues are closely allied, and are often caused by some physical malady, which is not incur- able, and which might easily be sent to the four winds. Dr. Emma E. Walker, in a recent book, says: "Cheerful- ness is a good habit just as worry is a bad habit. If you don't Just Among Ourselves 355 feel cheerful, stand in front of your mirror and look so. Smile and your mood will change. Frowning uses up valuable energy. When you get well you can laugh at an unpleasant experience; the sting has gone from it." The same good authority says : "Worry is a vice. You can overcome it if you will. Things that trouble you at night will not trouble you after eight hours of refreshing sleep. Distract your attention from unpleasant thoughts. Walk in the sunshine, and its light will be reflected in your face." XXX TRICKS AND GESTURES Following what has already been said with regard to re- pose, and control of muscles and nerves, it is interesting to reflect that any one of us may be graceful and beautiful, may be fascinating and captivating, if only we are contented to be natural and sincere. Some people are always posing for effect. I have seen a child pose and attitudinize when in the company of older people, simply because the child had been too much noticed and too much praised. The little creature has not seemed comfortable until some one observed how pretty she was. Indeed, I one day heard a little maid of six say, after a half hour in which her elders had not noticed her, "When are you going to begin to talk about me ?" This sort of thing is seen in others than children. "There is the delicate young lady with the languid air and the listless step and the die-away posture ; the literary young lady, with the studiously neglected toilette, the carefully exposed breadth of forehead, and the ever-present but seldom-read book; the abstemious young lady, who surreptitiously feeds on chops at private lunch, and starves on a pea at the public dinner; the humane young lady, who pulls Tom's ears and otherwise tortures brother and sister in the nursery, and does her utmost to fall into convulsions before company at the sight of a dead fly; and the fastidious young lady, who faints, should there be an audience to behold the scene, at the sight of rdast goose, but whose robust appetite vindicates itself by devouring all that Tricks and Gestures 357 is left of the unclean animal when a private opportunity will allow. We assure our young damsels that such afifectations are not only absurd, for they are perfectly transparent, but ill bred, as shams of all kinds essentially are. The management of the hands in company seems to em- barrass young people greatly. This comes from the false modesty, or mauvaise honte, which induces them to suppose they are the observed of all observers. Let them think only of themselves in due proportion of estimate with the vast mul- titude of mankind, and frequent habitually the company of the refined, and they will probably overcome much of their awk- wardness, if they do not acquire a large degree of grace. We should be particular to avoid the habit of fumbling with anything. There are people who must always have something to hold. I have known very distinguished men who seemed nervous unless they could have a book or a pencil or a piece of paper to hold when conversing. One very prominent man, widely known and much respected, can never sit still. In church he is a study in perpetual motion ; beginning by sitting up straight in the pew, he ends by sinking into a heap before the sermon is oVer ; and in a lady's drawing room he so fidgets and fusses and moves about that he not only disturbs his hostess, but often breaks a fragile chair. "Do, for pity's sake," I heard a lady say to her daughter, "manage to give Dr. a substantial chair whenever he calls here !" HANDSHAKING When Frances Folsom Cleveland was the first lady of the land, and the pride of the American public, she shook hands with so many admirers at White House receptions that it was stated she was obliged to wear a larger glove than before her marriage. Anyone who has gone through the ceremony 358 Good Manners for All Occasions of shaking hands with several hundred people at a public function knows that there are many varieties of the hand- shake. There is the limp, flabby hand which has no grip; there is the hand which seizes yours in a viselike grasp and crushes it until bones and ligaments ache ; there is the cordial hand which carries the heart with it. From time to time there is a caprice in handshaking. A year or two ago young women affected an upward lift of the arm and a jaunty ^ake of the hand which were rather embarrassing to old-fashioned ladies who had never learned to lift the hand when offering it to a friend. At present many girls not only use this peculiar form of salutation in shaking hands, but have a way of saying "How do do?" with a tripping rising inflection and an air of indifference which, if they knew it, is really funny. A great deal of tact is required in adapting any salutation to the occasion. "In private life in this country the hand is not always given except to intimate friends and relatives. Many people content themselves with a bow, or even a nod on meeting. But an extended hand is the more cordial manner of salutation. Or- dinarily it should be left to the older or more distinguished to make the proffer of the hand. Men and women in this country, as in France, seldom extend to each other the hand unless there is a great difference of age and position, or much intimacy of relation. Whenever the hand is given it is not necessary to draw off the glove, as some attempt to do, with a great deal of fuss and consequent embarrassment." In England it is usual to shake hands when introduced. Speaking of handshaking, a woman should, if possible, have a beautiful hand, but she should not care so much about beauty that she should hesitate to put the hand to any legitimate use. "Such is its flexibility and adaptiveness that it turns in a Tricks and Gestures 359^ moment from a blow to a caress, and can wield a club or thread a needle with equal facility. "The hand cannot only perform faithfully its own duties, but, when necessary, will act for other parts of the human frame. It reads for the blind, and talks for the deaf and dumb. Machinery itself is but an imitation of the human hand on an enlarged scale; and all the marvelous performances of the former are justly due to the latter. It thus not only thor- oughly performs its natural task, but, having the rare quality of extending its powers, enlarges its scope of work almost indefinitely. With the steam engine, made and worked by itself, the human hand executes wonders of skill and force; and with the electric telegraph it, by the gentlest touch, awakens in an instant the sentiment of the whole world and makes it kin. " 'For the queen's hand,' says an elegant writer, 'there is the scepter, and for the soldier's hand the sword ; for the car- penter's hand the saw, and for the smith's hand the hammer; for the farmer's hand they plow; for the miner's hand the spade ; for the sailor's hand the oar ; for the painter's hand the brush ; for the sculptor's hand the chisel ; for the poet's hand the pen; and for the woman's hand the needle. If none of these or the like will fit us, the felon's chain should be round our wrist, and our hand on the prisoner's crank.' " XXXI MANNERS IN A COUNTRY HOME When spending a week's end in the country be ready to enjoy whatever is provided for you. It is the privilege of th« country housekeeper to provide the city guests with a pleasant sleeping apartment. The polite guest comes down at the family breakfast hour unless, says Mrs. Florence Howe Hall, "he or she chances to be in luxurious houses where breakfast is a movable feast, and everyone can have a cup of tea and a roll in his own room if he prefers to do so, "As it is now fashionable to begin breakfast with a course of fruit, the country hostess should surely follow this whole- some custom, placing before her guests melons, peaches, or whatever fruit is in season. For the rest she should remem- ber that people's appetites are sharpened by the fresh air of the country, and that the dishes provided should therefore be rather more substantial in character than those that are pre- scribed for a city table by the present fashion. "Still, it must be admitted that here 'doctors disagree,' At the country seats of some rich families, whose eyes are ever turned city-ward in admiration and longing, you will find the menu at every meal exactly what it would be in the most fashionable city dwelling, and you will be shown an unlimited amount of china and offered genteel fragments of food during an hour or two, three times a day, "Almost every one prefers to dine early in the country in summer, for a late dinner is sure to interfere with the pleasures Manners in a Country Home 361 of the afternoon— riding, driving, etc.— unless the honr is set extremely late, at eight or nine o'clock. Tea, therefore, be- comes a very important meal in out-of-town households ; that is, 'high' or 'stout' tea. It is a pity that this cheerful meal has almost disappeared from city life, driven out both by fashion and necessity, since business men in our large cities can no longer come home to two o'clock dinner as they did five-and-twenty years ago. "For 'high tea' a white tablecloth should be used. The tea and coffee equipages stand before the mistress of the house, or sometimes are placed one at each end of the table. It cer- tainly looks more cheerful to have tea made on the table ; the simmering of the tea urn, the actual presence of the fire — even of an alcohol lamp — ^give to the occasion a homelike air which otherwise would be wanting. Tea also tastes better when made in this way; but the process entails additional trouble upon the hostess, who already has no light task to perform. To be able to talk to guests and pour out tea and coffee — perhaps to flavor them as well — ^all at the same time, demands great nimbleness of wits. Most hostesses are sin- cerely thankful to those guests who are so considerate as 'not to speak to the woman at the wheel' until she has finished the dread libation. "The table should be ornamented with fruits and flowers, but not in the formal fashion of a dinner party. Preserves, honey, etc., in dishes of cut glass or handsome china may stand about the table, and also plenty of fruit, in the season. Hot biscuits, muffins, crumpets, waffles, etc., are in their greatest glory at the hour of tea, and should succeed one another in relays, so that they may be always 'piping hot.' Confectioners' cake or nice homemade cake may also stand upon the table. The more solid dishes — cold ham, escaloped oysters, chickens 362 Good Manners for All Occasions (cold fricasseed, or fried), molded tongue, omelet, salads, and cold meats of various kinds — may either be helped by the serv- ants from the sideboard or placed on the table and served by the master of the house, assisted by other members of the family ; the hostess, during the earlier part of the meal at least, will have her hands too full with pouring out tea and coffee to do much else. "Vegetable salads of various kinds are always welcomed on the tea table, and are preferred by many housekeepers because they can be prepared beforehand. But there must be some hot dishes on the tea table, otherwise the feast will be an imperfect one. It suffices, however, to have hot bread or cakes of some sort, and to have the meats, etc., cold, where this arrangement is the most convenient one." A guest at a country house should remember that while fruit and vegetables may abound, and poultry, eggs, and milk lie plentiful, yet the housekeeper is dependent on the butcher who drives an itinerant cart, and that his meat is not quite up to that of the city market. To draw comparisons or comment unfavorably would be the height of ill manners here. Most unwelcome are those guests whose digestion or fastidious ap- petites allow them to eat only a restricted number of things, and who are always turning away from the food that is set before them. People who are on a diet should certainly re- main at home. It is the height of ill breeding to explain that one cannot eat this or the other thing. It is one's bounden duty to eat anything that is provided when one is away from home. The country hostess should make her table beautiful and fragrant with flowers, either those from the garden or the beautiful blossoms that grow in the fields for every hand to pick. Mrs, Hall has tersely said : "People who live in the country Manners in a Country Home 363 often make the mistake of endeavoring to entertain their guests in city fashion. They think that nothing else will suit their town-bred friends; or perhaps they themselves have an overweening admiration for city life and all that pertains to it. Hence country cousins indulge in an imitation which is of course the sincerest flattery, but is nevertheless apt to be disastrous. "We go to the country because we are tired of the town; and we hope to find there, not a second or third-rate repro- duction of ways of life with which we are wearily familiar, but something new and diflferent — change, rest, and quiet, re- freshing communion with nature, and a mode of life less arti- ficial than a city existence must of necessity be. We wish, of course, to find refinement of life and manners wherever we go, but in the country the heart of man longs for simplicity ; alas ! the longing is usually a vain one. Few dwellers in the country have the common sense of Shakespeare's shepherd, who says: 'Those that are good manners at the court are as ridiculous in the country as the behavior of the country is most markable at the court.' " XXXII OTHER CIVIUZATIONS We are so in the habit of thinking that our own is the only civilization that we sometimes rather foolishly speak of other nations as barbarous when they really are highly civilized. To-day all eyes are turning toward Japan, and I suppose none can deny that in the great war with Russia the Japanese have shown wonderful courage, heroism, and love of country. With a celerity that is rivaled only by the swift progress of modern inventions and applied science, the Japanese have taken strides which have set them on the front of the stage, and have focused all eyes upon them. A new day will probably soon dawn for Japan, and the womanhood of Japan will rise to an exalted plane hitherto unknown. Under the old regime women had a code of their own, altogether opposite from that which obtains, at least among married women, in America. The whole Oriental ideal of woman's etiquette is in contrast with the Occidental. Quoting from the great moralist Kaibara, we find that from her earliest youth a girl should observe the line of demarca- tion separating women from men. A woman going abroad at night must in all cases carry a lighted lamp, and, not to speak of strangers, she must observe a certain distance in her relations even with her husband and her brethren. A woman must form no friendship and no intimacy except when ordered to do so by her parents. It is the chief duty of a girl living in the parental house to practice filial piety toward her father Other Civilizations 365 and mother. But after marriage her chief duty is to honor her father-in-law, and her mother-in-law, to honor them be- yond her own father and mother, to love and reverence them with all ardor, and to tend them with all practice of filial piety. This is wholly opposed to the American ideal, which does not make it obligatory on us to care a great deal about rela- tions-in-law. "While thou honorest thine own parents think not lightly of thy father-in-law." Never should a woman fail, night and morning, to pay her respects to her father-in-law and her mother-in-law. Never should she be remiss in performing any task they may require of her. TTie great life-long duty of a woman is obedience. In her dealings with her husband, both the expression of her counte- nance and the style of her address should be courteous, hum- ble, conciliatory, never , rude and arrogant ; that should be a woman's first and chiefest care. When the husband issues his instructions the wife must never disobey them. In doubtful cases she should inquire of her husband, and obediently follow his commands. If ever her husband should inquire of her, she should answer to the point. To answer in a careless fash- ion were a mark of rudeness. A woman should look on her husband as if he were heaven itself. ; Although woman seems thus to be kept in a position of studied obscurity in Japan, yet she does not seem unhappy, and certainly childhood in Japan is a happy time. The father or mother who would strike a child would be regarded in the Sunrise Kingdom as a monster of cruelty. In Japanese houses there is little furniture, and children are not continually cau- tioned against breaking and injuring beautiful things that their parents' cherish. They have plenty of time to playj and 366 Good Manners for All Occasions tKougK the boys are more prized than the girls, yet the little girls seem to be loved by their fathers and mothers. That which is said of womanhood in Japan may with some variations be ' repeated so far as the womanhood in other countries is concerned. In China, Korea, and India man has the upper hand. Men have the most beautiful portions of the home. A woman has no freedom to go about, receive her friends, occupy her mind, or engage in any of the occupa- tions which occupy and delight us in our own happy land. Mrs. Alice Hamilton Rich, who has spent some years in China, tells us that a small boy often rules the household, and the mother is usually his slave. Two women were heard conversing, one the mother of five sons. One said to the other, "I am going to get my daughter-in-law into the house. You see, a daughter-in-law is no more expense than a servant. If I beat a servant she leaves, but you can beat a daughter- in-law and get obedience, and your work will be done as you wrish it." All through the Orient the old woman is supreme. A woman ages much earlier in the East than in the West, but also she enjoys in her maturity privileges and pleasures which were not hers in youth, and she is able to arbitrate between her several daughters-in-law, and to rule the house with a scepter from which there is no appeal. One sees continually in Eastern lands how true to life are the descriptions we find in the Bible. The patriarchal mode still obtains in Eastern family life, as it did in the days of Abraham. The story of Ruth and Naomi, that beautiful poetic idyl of which we never tire, illustrates the devotion of the daughter-in-law to the mother-in-law. It was not to her own mother, but to the mother of her husband, that Ruth said, "Entreat me not to leave thee, or to return from following Other Civilizations 367 after thee : for whither thou goest I will go ; and whither thou lodgest, I will lodge: thy people shall be my people, and thy God my God: where thou diest, will I die, and there will I be buried : the Lord do so to me, and more also, K aught but death part thee and me." A glance at other civilizations, in times remote or near at hand, makes us more contented and more grateful than words can express that our lot has been cast in the twentieth century on American soil. XXXIU THE QUEEN OF THE HOME How much depends on the good management of the house- mother! "Every mistress of a house is a minor sovereign upon whose bounty the comfort, happiness, and refinement of her little court depends. In a well-ordered house the machin- ery is always in order and always out of sight. No well-bred woman talks about her servants, her dinner arrangements, or the affairs of her nursery. The unexpected guest finds an orderly table and an unembarrassed welcome. Under the good management of a good home-maker, the Golden Rule, 'Do unto others as you would that others should do unto you,' is always operative. "Etiquette may be defined as the minor morality of life. No observances, however minute, that tend to spare the feel- ings of others, can be classed under the head of trivialities; and politeness, which is hut another name for general amia- bility, will oil the creaking wheels of life more effectually than any of those unguents supplied by mere wealth or station." To be truly polite, one must be at once good, just, and gen- erous, has been well said by a modern French writer. "True politeness is the outward visible sign of those inward spiritual graces called modesty, unselfishness, generosity. The manners of a gentleman are the index of his soul. His speech is innocent, because his life is pure; his thoughts are direct, because his actions are upright ; his bearing is gentle, because his blood, and his impulses, and his training are gentle also. The Queen of the Home 369 A true gentleman is entirely free from every kind of pretense. He avoids homage, instead of exacting it. Mere ceremonies have no attraction for him. He seeks not only to say civil things, but to do them. His hospitality, though hearty and sincere, will be strictly regulated by his means. His friends will be chosen for their good qualities and their good manners ; his servants, for their thoughtfulness.and honesty; his occu- pations, for their usefulness, or their gracefulness, or their elevating tendencies, whether moral, or mental, or political. And so we come round again to our first maxims, that is, that 'good manners are the kindly fruit of a refined nature.' "And if this be true of mankind, how still more true is it of womankind! Granted that truthfulness, gracefulness, con- siderateness, unselfishness, are essential to the breeding of a true gentleman, how infinitely essential must they be to the breeding of a true lady ! That her tact should be even readier, her sympathies even tenderer, her instinct even finer than those of the man, seems only fit and natural. In her politeness, prevoyance, and all the minor observances of etiquette are ab- solutely indispensable. She must be even more upon her guard than a man in all those niceties of speech, look, and man- ner which are the especial and indispensable credentials of good breeding. Every little drawing-room ceremonial, all the laws of society, the whole etiquette of hospitality must be familiar to her. And even in these points, artificial though they be, her best guide, after all, is that kindness of heart which gives honor where honor is due, and which is ever anxious to spare the feelings and prejudices of others. THE TREATMENT OF SERVANTS Lord Chesterfield said, speaking of behavior to those in an inferior position: 370 Good Manners for All Occasions "I am more upon my guard as to my behavior to my serv- ants and to others who are called my inferiors than I am toward my equals, for fear of being suspected of that mean and ungenerous sentiment of desiring to make others feel that difference which fortune has, and perhaps too undeserv- edly, made between us." Conduct toward servants should be always equal, never violent, never familiar. Speak to them always with civility, but keep them in their proper places. Give no occasion for them to complain of you; but never suffer yourself to complain of them without at first ascertain- ing that your complaint is just, seeing that it has attention, and that the fault complained of is remedied. If staying at a friend's house you may assume, to a certain extent, that your friend's servants are your servants. But this must be only so far as you are yourself concerned. You must not, on any account, give directions respecting the gen- eral conduct of the menage. For all your own personal wants, however, you are free to command their services. Ask for anything, under their control, that may be lacking in your own room; for whatever you need at meal times; let them call you in the morning if you sleep soundly; do not send them on errands, however, without first ascertaining that it will not interfere with their regular routine of household duty ; but do anything and everything required for your own per- sonal convenience and comfort through the servants. It is contrary to all laws of etiquette to trouble your host or hostess with all your petty wants. Do not effusively excuse yourself for the trouble you give them ; but if you should, through illness or other cause, occa- sion more than a visitor ordinarily brings to a household, let the gift, which, in any case, you would make to the servants The Queen of the Home 371 on leaving the house, be somewhat heavier than would oth^- wise have been necessary. This question of fees to servants is a very important one. Many people are disposed to regard it as an imposition which is tolerated only through the force of custom. Others view it in the light of paying for an extra burden, which their pres- ence has laid upon the servant's shoulders. The latter view, if not entirely the correct one, is, at least, as reasonable as the former, and a generous nature will probably adopt it. The opposition will say, "But all cannot aflford to make these pres- ents," and "The servants are hired on the express understand- ing that they will have to serve their employer's guests, as part of the work they are engaged to do." The truth seems to be that circumstances alter cases. Where a visitor stays some time in a home, and adds a good deal to the care and labor of those employed there, it is only fair that a gratuity should be given when the visitor goes. This should not be taken for granted. The person who gives no tip violates no code of good manners. The person who leaves something in the hand of the servant, as a little present, will probably be more popular below stairs, and will be more af- fectionately welcomed by the domestics of a house when com- ing again, than the conscientious person who gives nothing at all. One thing should never be forgotten, that servants are hu- man, and that it is extremely boorish to receive attentions from them without an adequate expression of thanks. For every little courtesy and attention rendered by a paid em- ployee the true lady and the true gentleman are careful to say, "I thank you." Never need anyone be fearful of making a mistake or being socially compromised if he or she speak pleasantly and gra- 372 Good Manners for All Occasions ciously to the maid or the butler who has done something to make the day comfortable. Where only one maid is employed in a family she suffers intensely from loneliness if her mistress never speaks to her except to give an order. One of the secrets of binding the maid to the mistress firmly is found just here, in the remem- brance that the maid as well as the mistress is human. LIVING AT EASE One open secret which every house-mother in the land might well study is the secret of living at ease within one's income, and with a margin for emergencies. Undoubtedly the manners of many families would greatly improve if there were not constant anxiety and irritability about the payment of bills. The very best way is not to have them. In an ad- mirable article which appeared recently in one of the magazines a thoughtful writer said : "For the aspiring woman to bring her 'higher aims' down to the limitation of the amount of money her husband has forthcoming, compels much self-sacrifice, often serious, pain- ful, bitter ; for mothers, the hardest sort, vicarious — the sacri- fice of some dear, pressing interest of the family as a unit or of the several children. But the gain of remaining econom- ically true in this position is always great. For one thing, liberty is secured — ^the independence of soul and body known never by the man or woman who is habitually in debt. In this connection appears the reason why a clear religious pur- pose is in the beginning necessary if the problem of living within one's income is to be solved, though the benefits of this method of going about the problem are not confined to spiritual advantages. The clear head and the stout heart which living within one's income insures, as compared with The Queen of the Home 373 the power of higher education or the refined and elevated society possible to be acquired by a credit system tending to insolvency, provide the personal forces that work wonders in getting on in life. So that having an income which in hon- esty compels us to deny our children to-day does not mean, therefore, a perpetual limit put upon the good, the pleasant things of life. It means, on the contrary, provision for future enjoyment — nor is the future that which only death and heaven are to realize for us. Neither need women fear that having first of all regard for the economic necessities is to make life a sordid concern. It compels, no doubt, stricter and more painful attention to the doing of mean things, and less grandiloquent assertion of how these should be done. It or- ders that wives, many of them, should cook and sew at home, instead of going abroad reading papers on the science of nutri- tion or investigating sweat-shops. It means hard work, hard thinking — but not hard hearts, for surely nothing on earth so hardens the heart, so dulls the mind and spirit, of man or woman, as to be living on a hundred-dollar basis with only ninety-nine cents incoming to pay the bills. It seems to me that one result of the so-called 'higher' education of our sex has been to develop our intellects at the expense of our under- standing. While we are absorbed in the principles of many sciences, the particulars of mere living are ignored, and for women to apply their reason and their will to the hard fact of the money problem as experienced by individual fam- ilies is to reclaim many a man from much evil, and alto- gether to increase the wealth of society and improve its moral tone." For the rest, almost the whole principle which lies at the foundation of happy living is epitomized in the little poem by Theodorus Van Wyke which I discovered in a box in my 374 Good Manners for All Occasions attic, a treasure-trove of some newspaper, and with which I close this book: NONE UVETH TO HIMSELF "On a frail little stem in the garden Hangs a beautiful fragrant rose. You may ask me why it hangs there. And the answer no one knows. But it sweetens the solemn atmosphere, For each shaded, penciled leaf Is admired in the land of the living, By the peasant, king, or chief. It may tell you as it greets you. On the radiant summer morn, 'I am here to win a smile Or some lonely home adorn.' For though the world be blessed, With its share of joy and wealth. This is a truth forever: 'None liveth to himself.' "And there along the highway Stands an aged, stately tree. From the rays of the summer sun It has shaded you and me. For a hundred years it stood there A landmark known to all. In its greatest branches birds would hide, In the tree so grand and tall. Yet some day man will cut it down. And the lordly ships of the sea Will crack as the oak is tossed about. The oak that was once a tree. 'Twill cross the ocean's perilous course. On the voyage of pleasure and fame, And the oak can tell the story. But the story'll be the same. The Queen of the I^ome 375 "And the little stream that flows away Down to the ocean beyond, Resembling a ribbon of silverj Or a glimmering dress it has donned, Says, 'I was born up in the mountain. But there I could do no good; So I hasten to water the valley, Where the cattle are grazing for food. And there I will also drive the mill. That man may profit thereby. Performing that simple duty Till the springs of the woods are dry.' For the world is ever teaching And telling the story each day. That each must live for the other, None is passing alone this way. "There is the silent star that hangs On the verge of a beautiful sky. How it glistens through desolate regions of space. And shall we reason why? It was one of those bright and beautiful stars That shone at the creation. And every one of them represents A complete and measureless nation. Could they but speak to us on earth. And we their journey trace, They would tell us that all were created to hold Each one in circuit and place; And they whirl in the orbits again and again As we gaze on the beautiful sky. They will still be there in the world to come. Whether we live or die. "And thus the Creator has written On the flowers that grow as we sleep. On each little silent and lonely shell. In the caverns of the deep. 376 Good Manners for All Occasions And on the little raindrops That help to make the streams; Upon the trees from which we cut The vessel's strongest beams, That the lesson of life is often told In the simplest things around. You may find them wherever you choose to lool^ Either over or under the ground. And we turn to the old and well-worn book On the dusty and ancient shelf, And here to read on tlje opened page, 'None liveth to himsfslf.' "