BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME 
 FROM THE 
 
 SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND 
 
 THE GIFT OF 
 
 1891 
 
 Arifm^^ (^IW^ 
 
Cornell University Library 
 PS 1003.A8L7 
 
 The life and adventures of Mai. Roger Sh 
 
 3 1924 022 107 928 
 
The original of tliis book is in 
 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
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THE 
 
 LIFE AND ADVENTURES 
 
 Ma J. Roger Sherman Potter: 
 
 TOGETHER WITH 
 
 AN ACCUEATE AND EXCEEDINGLY INTERESTING ACCOUNT 
 
 OP HIS GREAT AOHIEVRMBNTS IN POLITICS, DIPLOMAOT, AND WAE,— ALL OF WHICH 
 
 ARE HERE RECORDED OUT OF SHEER LOVE FOR THE MARTIAL SPIRIT 
 
 OF THIS TBTTLY AMBITI0TJ8 NATION. 
 
 |ll«stratf!r hu iuhr. 
 
 I HERB DECLARE 
 
 THAT THIS GREAT WORK "WAS NEITHER TRANSLATED FROM THE 
 
 , NOR PRIGGED PROM THE UNPUBLISHED WORK OF ANT ENGLISH AUTflOR, 
 
 BTTT WAS TRULY AND HONESTLY WRITTEN FOR THE ESPECIAL 
 
 BENEFIT OP MY PUBLISHER. 
 
 PHELEG VAN TRUSEDALE, 
 
 f-^UY^c'^.o, Cr^Q-U^^-,^ A<k-3trr\''j 
 
 WHO, WITHOUT ASKING PBRMlTOlON, 
 
 EESPECTFULLT DEDICATES IT TO HIS FRIEND AND BENEFACTOK, 
 
 JAMES BUCHANAN, PRESIDENT OF THESE UNITED STATES. 
 
 NEW yOEK: 
 STANFORD & DELISSER, 
 
 508 BROADWAY. 
 1858. 
 
 H 
 
 ^- 
 
"H 
 
 Entered, according to Act of Congress, in the year 185S, by 
 
 STANFORD & DELI8SEE, 
 
 la the Cleri's Office, for the Northern District of New Tork. 
 
 Edward 0. Jenkin-s, 
 
 yrinttr anl iSttKotaptr, 
 
 26 Feankfoet St. 
 
AUTHOR'S PREFACE. 
 
 If the reader will but pay attention to what I have 
 written in this great work, it will be found that I have 
 taken an unwarrantable libe- tjwith his good taste ; that 
 is to say, I have so far devi.itsd from that stereotyped 
 rule — so strictly observed by all our great authors — as 
 to make my hero, who is what is curiously enough 
 called a " Yankee Character," speak tolerably good En- 
 glish, instead of vulgar slang. In truth, so closely do 
 " our great writers " adhere to this rule of depicting the 
 eccentric American as a lean, scraggy individual, 
 dressed most outlandishly, making splinters of the 
 king's English, while drawling it with offensive nasal 
 soixnds, and violating the rules of common politeness in 
 whatever he does, that when he goes abroad the for- 
 eigner is surprised to find him a tolerably well polished 
 gentleman, and indeed not unfrequently inquires what 
 part of our country those lean persons he has seen des- 
 cribed in the books of American authors" reside in. 
 
 Let this preface then suffice, for if any one of my 
 many readers think he can write a better — and I doubt 
 not he can — ^let him set about it, and not stop until 
 he get it exactly to his fancy. But before he say one 
 
iv author's peepace. 
 
 word against aught that is herein written, let him bear 
 in mind that I am the author of not less than a stack 
 of great histories, which have already so midtiplied 
 my literary fame, that the mere announcement of 
 another book by me sends that only great and gene- 
 rous critic, the pubhc at large, into a perfect fever of 
 anxiety. 
 
 Pheleg Van Tbusedale. 
 New Torh, Nov., 1857. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 Cnji'. 
 1. — A Chapter Wherein those Having a Taste for Nonsense 
 
 may find It 9 
 
 2. — Containing Sundry Matters of Deep Interest 17 
 
 3. — A Pleasant Meeting with a Renowned Major 27 
 
 4. — Major Roger Sherman Potter Recounts his Exploits in War 
 
 and Politics 37 
 
 5. — In which Politicians and Other Vagabonds may find 
 
 Something to Their Advantage 44 
 
 6. — Major Roger Potter's First Adventure in New York 55 
 
 7.— The Pleasant Side of a Misfortune 62 
 
 8. — Meeting Between the Renowned Major and an Eccentric 
 
 Fishmonger 67 
 
 9. — How the Renowned Major Exchanged Chickens with 
 
 Mrs. Trothridge 76 
 
 10. — ^The Kindness of Mine Host of the Astor 82 
 
 11. — Wonderful Story of an Intelligent Pig 
 
 12. — Concerning Matters Necessary to the Perfection of This 
 
 Histoiy lOS 
 
 13. — The Two Strange Characters at the Independent Temper- 
 ance Hotel 110 
 
 14. — A whole Town in a State of Alarm 122 
 
 15. — An Amusing Meeting between Major Roger Potter and his 
 
 Wife, Polly Potter 129 
 
 16. — Many Queer and Deeply Interesting Things which took 
 
 place When Major Potter arrived at Barnstable 137 
 
 17. — A Man of the Name of Giles Sheridan 150 
 
 18. — Which Relates how Major Roger Potter Sailed for New 
 
 York, to the Great Delight of Little Barnstable 160 
 
 19. — 1'he Most Pleasant and Satisfactory Mode of Displaying 
 
 Courage and Military Skill 169 
 
 (y) 
 
VI CONTENTSj 
 
 Chap. 
 
 20.— A Mistake that had Nearly Cost Major Potter his Life.. . . 173 
 
 21.— The Happiest Way of Settling a DiflFerence 184 
 
 22.— The Least ExpensiTe Way of ManufacturiDg Heroes 191 
 
 23.— Which Treats of a Party of Yachters Met on the Sound. . . 200 
 24.— A Keraa;rkable Interview between the Renowned Major 
 
 Roger Potter and the Commander of the Fleet 210 
 
 25. — A Small Accident which had well nigh Lost the Renowned 
 
 Major all His Reputation for Gallantry 221 
 
 26. — Major Eoger Potter's Grand Reception in New York, and 
 How he was Fairly Suffocated with the Attentions of 
 Our Aldermen 234 
 
 27. — What was Said and Done when the Renowned Major 
 
 Potter Arrived at the Great St. Nicholas Hotel 244 
 
 28. — A Kemarkahle Mayor of the City ; how he Received the 
 Major, Exchanged Speeches, and was Serenaded, to the 
 Great Delight of Politicians and Vagabonds in general. . . 253 
 
 29. — Wherein is Pleasantly Belated how Major Roger Potter 
 
 was Found Almost Suffocated 264 
 
 SO.^How to Regulate the Good Conduct of Young Gentlemen 
 
 Entering the " Century Club." 272 
 
 31. — How the Landlord of the Astor pursued the Renowned 
 
 Major with a Small Bill 278 
 
 32. — A Queer Account of How the Major got into Debt to the 
 
 Landlord of the Astor 285 
 
 33. — How the Major became a General, and Joined the Young 
 
 American Banking House of Pickle, Prig & Flutter. . . 297 
 34. — A Remarkable Showman, and what was Done with the 
 
 Intelligent Pig 304 
 
 35. — Two Great Generals, and an Amusing Account of the 
 Veiy Unmilitary Predicament they were Found in on 
 the Morning of the Review 316 
 
 36.— The Story of a very Learned Critic, together with other 
 Queer and Interesting Matters, all of which took place 
 at the New York Hotel 328 
 
CONTENTS. Vil 
 
 37. — A Chapter on Military Politicians and Critics, all of which 
 is set down in Writing by Mr. Orlando Tickler, one of the 
 Order 335 
 
 38. — Major Roger Potter Engages to get the Kingdom of 
 Kalorama for us, and Prepares to Depart for Washington, 
 to Procure the Mission promised him by the Government 346 
 
 39. — A Remarkor two concerning our Grand Opera House 358 
 
 40. — How certain Well- Known Adepts and Office-Seekers were 
 
 Alarmed at General Roger Potter's Arrival in Washington 366 
 
 41. — An Adept of the Name of Ben Stretcher, and what He 
 
 Does for those who Stand in Need of His Services 373 
 
 42. — Which Records the Singular Character of the Applica- 
 tion made by General Roger Potter for an Office, and 
 how he is sent Minister to the King of the Kaloramas, 
 that being the Easiest Method of Getting Eid of Him 380 
 
 43. — Which Eecords how the General Got His Commission, 
 and Returned to New York, with Other Things Common 
 to Politicians 388 
 
 44. — General Roger Potter gets a Mission, and Returns to New 
 
 York, with the Loss of his Secretary, Mr. Tickler 395 
 
 45.— An Affair of Gallantry that had Nearly Cost Mr. Tickler 
 his Life, an event that would have been a Serious Loss to 
 the Nation ; also, the Story of Leon and Linda, as Told 
 by the Critic- 402 
 
 46. — The Renowned General Potter takes his Departure as 
 Minister Plenipotentiary for Kalorama ; as, also, a True 
 and Accurate Account of What Took Place when the 
 Ship Crossed the Line. To which is Added the Sad 
 History of Spark Island 412 
 
 47. — Which Describes the Rejoicing that Took Place when the 
 
 General Landed at Buzabub, on the Coast of Kalorama. . . 423 
 
 48. — How the Renowned General Potter Spent a Night Among 
 
 the Dead 433 
 
 49.— Sorry Trials of a Great Minister Plenipotentiary, all of 
 which arise from his Ignorance of the Language spoken 
 at Court 445 
 
Vlll CONTENTS. 
 
 Chap. 
 
 50.— The Journey to Nezub ; as, also, a Curious Conversation 
 which took place between Minister Potter and his 
 Secretary *^^ 
 
 51.— In which is Minutely Described an Entirely New and 
 Most Extraordinary Mode of Punishing Ministers and 
 Secretaries of Legation 461 
 
 52.— Things which the Author Ventures to Assert Cannot 
 
 Fail to Amuse and Instruct the Reader 565 
 
 53.— How the Eeuowned General Potter had an Army of 
 Vagabonds sent him, and how the Terrible Battle of the 
 Banana Hills was Fought Without Bloodshed 470 
 
 54. — Ai. Amusing Result of a Great Battle 477 
 
 55. — Which Recounts how General Potter Condemned the 
 Priests to Ride Asses Three Times a Day, as a Good 
 Enough Punishment for their Intriguing ; also, a Plain 
 and Unvarnished Account of the ever-Memorable Battle 
 of " The Miracle," in which Old Battle, the Greatest 
 War Horse of these times, Lost his Life 484 
 
 bb. — An Amusing Quarrel, which Arose Concerning the Govern- 
 ment of Kolorama 488 
 
 57. — Which Treats of How the Ruler of a Kingdom was 
 Carried Off into Captivity on a Mule, and how he 
 Escaped from the Priests 495 
 
 58. — An Account of how the Renowned General Potter stole 
 the Hat and Mule of a Poor Priest, that he might go in 
 Search of his Straying Army 507 
 
 59. — The Vagaries of Mr. Tickler, Secretary and Critic to 
 
 General Roger Potter. He Relates the Story of Angelio 513 
 
 eO. — The Last and Most Melancholy Chapter in this Eventful 
 History, and wherein will be found one the Most 
 Truthful Accounts of a Warrior Returning Home 
 Without a Kingdom, and in a Pelting Bain 523 
 
THE ADVENTURES 
 
 MAJOR ROGER SHERMAK POTTER. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF THINGS NOT PARTICULARLY INTER- 
 ESTING, AND MIGHT HAVE BEEN OMITTED WITHOUT 
 PREJUDICE TO THIS HISTORY. 
 
 Cape Cod, you must know, gentle reader, is my bleak 
 native home, and the birth-place of all the most celebrated 
 critics. The latter fact is not generally known, and for 
 the reason that the gentry composing that fraternity ac- 
 knowledge her only with an excess of reluctance. Her 
 poets and historians never mention her in their famous 
 works ; her blushing maidens never sing to her, and her 
 novelists lay the scenes of their romances in other lands. 
 One solitary poet was caught and punished for singing a 
 song to her sands ; but of her codfish no historian has 
 written, though divers malicious writers have declared 
 them the medium upon which one of our aristocracies is 
 founded. But I love her none the less for this. 
 
 It was a charming evening in early June. I am not 
 disposed to state the year, since it is come fashionable 
 
 1^- m 
 
10 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to count only days. With my head supported in my left 
 hand, and my elbow resting on my knee, I sat down upon 
 the beach to listen to the music of the tide. Curious 
 thoughts crowded upon my mind, and mj' fancy soared 
 away into another world. The sea was bright, the breeze 
 came soft and balmy over the laud, and whispered and 
 laughed. My bosom heaved with melting emotions ; and 
 had I been skilled in the art of love, the mood I was in 
 qualified me for making it. The sun in the west was sink- 
 ing slowly, the horizon was hung with a rich canopy of 
 crimson clouds, and misty shadows played over the broad 
 sea-plain, to the east. Then the arcades overhead filled 
 with curtains of amber and gold ; and the sight moved me 
 to meditation. My soul seemed drinking in the beauties 
 nature was strewing at the feet of her humblest, and, per- 
 haps, most unthankful creatures. Then the scene began 
 to change ; and such was its gently-stealing pace that I 
 became moved by emotions my tongue had no power to 
 describe. The more I thought the more I wondered. 
 And I sat wondering until Dame Night drew her dusky 
 curtains, and the balconies of heaven filled with fleecy 
 clouds, and ten thousand stars, like liquid pearls, began 
 to pour their soft light over the land and sea. Then 
 the " milky way " came out, as if to take the moon's 
 watch, and danced along the serene sky, like a coquette 
 in her gayest attire. 
 
 How I longed for a blushing maiden to tune her harp, 
 or chant her song, just then ! Though I am the son of a 
 fisherman, I confess I thought I heard one tripping lightly 
 behind me, her face all warm with smiles. It was but a 
 fancy, and I sighed while asking myself what had induced 
 it. Not a brook murmured ; no willows distilled their 
 night dews ; birds did not make the air melodious with 
 their songs ; and there were no magnolia trees to shake 
 
THINGS NOT PAETICULABLY INTERESTING. li 
 
 from their locks those showers of liquid pearls which so 
 bedew the books of our lady novelists. True, the sea 
 became as a mirror, reflecting argosies of magic sails, and 
 the star-lights tripped, and danced, and waltzed over the 
 gently undulating swells. A moment more and I heard 
 the tide rips sing, and the ground swell murmur, as it had 
 done iu my childhood, when I had listened and wondered 
 what it meant. The sea gull, too, was nestling upon the 
 bald sands, where he had sought rest for the night, and 
 there echoed along through the air so sweetly, the music 
 of a fisherman's song ; and the mimic surf danced and 
 gamboled along the beach, spreading it with a chain of 
 phosphorous light, over which the lanterns mounted on two 
 stately towers close by threw a great glare of light : and 
 this completed the picture. 
 
 While contemplating the beauties before me, I was sud- 
 denly seized with a longing for fame. It was true I had 
 little merit of my own, but as it had become fashionable at 
 this day for men without merit to become famous, the 
 chance for me, I thought, was favorable indeed. I con- 
 templated my journey in quest of fame, and resolved never 
 to falter. "Fame," I mused, "what quality of metal art 
 thou made of, that millions bow down and worship thee ? " 
 And all nature, through her beauties, seemed returning an 
 answer, and I arose from my reverie, and wended my way 
 toward the cabin of my aged parents. A bright light 
 streamed from one of the windows, serving as my beacon. 
 I had not gone far before Fame, I thought, replied for 
 herself, and said : " Know, son of a fisherman, that I am 
 a capricious goddess; at least, I am so called by the critics. 
 And they, being adepts in deep knowledge, render verdicts 
 the world must not dispute. I have the world for my 
 court : my shrine is everywhere, and millions worship at 
 it. Genius, learning, and valor, are my handmaids. I 
 
12 ADVEJSTTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 have great and good men for my vassals ; and upon them 
 it affords me comfort to bestow my gifts. I seek out the 
 wise and tlie virtuous, and place garlands of immortality 
 upon their heads ; I toy with my victims, and then burl 
 them into merited obscurity. Little men most beset me, 
 most hang about my garments, and sigh most for my smiles. 
 The rich man would have me build monuments to his 
 memory ; the ambitious poor man repines when I forget 
 him. Novel-writing damsels, their eyes bedimmed with 
 bodkin shaped tears, and their fingers steeled with envious 
 pens it seems their love to dip in gall, cast longing looks at 
 me. Peter Parlej'^, and other poets, have laid their offer- 
 ings low at my feet. I have crowned kings and emperors ; 
 and I have cast a favor to a fool. With queens and 
 princes have I coquetted, and laughed when they were 
 laid in common dust. I have dragged the humble from 
 his obscurity, and sent him forth to overthrow kingdoms 
 and guard the destinies of peoples. Millions have gone 
 in search of me ; few have found me. Great men are 
 content with small favors ; small men would, being the 
 more ambitious of the two, take me all to themselves. 
 Millions have aspired to my hand; few have been found 
 worthy of it. Editors, critics, chambermaids and prie5ts, 
 l^without whom we would have no great wars,) annoy me 
 much. I am generous enough to forgive them, to charge 
 their evil designs to want of discretion, to think the world 
 would scarce miss them, and certainly could get along well 
 enough without them. 
 
 '' In my halcyon days there appeared before me one 
 ^neas, who was great of piety, which he laid at my feet, 
 soliciting only a smile. After him came Hector, whom I 
 condoled for his misfortunes. Upon the head of Achilles 
 who sought the smallest favor, I placed a garland. Eury- 
 las, a man of large friendship ; and Alexander, who was 
 
THINGS NOT PARTICULARLY INTERESTING. 13 
 
 known among the nations for his liberality ; and CasBar, 
 who had some valor; and Trajan, whose probity no one 
 doubted; and Topirus, a man of great fidelity; and Oato, 
 of whom it was said that he had some wisdom — these 
 came, and in humility bowed before me and accepted my 
 offering. For the delight and instruction of future gene- 
 rations, I have had their names written on the pages of 
 history, which is the world's gift. And this was an age 
 of the past. 
 
 " Then the age of modern poetry and oratory came in 
 with one Shakspeare, and a friend of his of the name of 
 Bacon. And it went out with Sheridan, and one Pitt, and 
 a queer man of the name of Byron, whose name I have 
 written in letters of gold, and have placed where envious 
 bishops cannot take it down, thorfgh they build ladders 
 of lawn. I will watch over it, and it shall be bright when 
 kings and bishops are forgotten. 
 
 " Then there came the age of Washington ; which was 
 a new age, in a new world, with new glories and new men, 
 whose names I have enshrined for the study of the young, 
 the old, the great, and the good. On Jefferson's brow I 
 laid a laurel that shall be green in all coming time ; and 
 the memories of Webster, Clay, and Calhoun shall long 
 wear my mantle, for they won it worthily. 
 
 " Latterly, I have been much annoyed by one Benton, 
 who, being a man of much light and shade, climbs my lad- 
 der only to break it down, and is for ever mounting drag- 
 ons he cannot ride. If I shake him from my skirts to- 
 daj'^, he will to-moirow meet me upon the highway, and 
 charge me with ingratitude. Dancing-girls and politicians 
 beset me on all sides, reminding me that, without them, 
 the world would go to ruin. Political parsons and milli- 
 ners daily make war upon me. And singing women, and 
 critics who herald their virtues for pennies, threaten to 
 
14 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 plunder me of my glories. And, though I am not a vaiu 
 dame, many of these think me as cheaply bought as their 
 own praise. 
 
 " I would not have you mourn over the age of poetry 
 and oratory, for that also is of the past. You must not 
 forget that it is become fashionable for men to give them- 
 selves to the getting of gold, which they pursue with an 
 avidity I fear will end in the devil getting all their souls. 
 You, son of a fisherman, shall be the object of my solici- 
 tude. Go out upon the world ; be just to all, nor with- 
 hold your generosity from those who are worthy of it. 
 Be sure, too, that you make the objects of your pursuit in all 
 cases square with justice Let your purposes be unvarying, 
 nor be presumptuous to your equals. Beware lest you fall 
 into the company of boisterous talking and strong drink- 
 ing men, such as aspire to the control of the nation at this 
 day ; and, though they may not have been many months 
 in the country, kindly condescend to teach us how to live. 
 Also let those who most busy themselves with making 
 presidents for us keep other company than yours, for their 
 trade is a snare many a good man has been caught in to 
 his sorrow." 
 
 And Fame, I thought, continued discoursing to me in 
 this m.anner until I reached the cabin of my father, when 
 she bid mo good night and departed. I entered the 
 cabin and found my father, who was bent with age, sitting 
 by the great fire-place, mending his nets. My mother was 
 at her wheel, spinning flax. She was a tidy little body, of 
 the old school. Her notions of the world in general were 
 somewhat narrow and antiquated; while the steeple-crown 
 cap she wore on her head so jauntily, and her apron of 
 snow-white muslin, that hung so neatly over a black silk 
 dress, and was secured about the neck with a small, 
 crimped collar, gave her an air of cheerfulness the sweet- 
 
THINGS NOT PARTICULABLY INTERESTING. 15 
 
 ness of her oval face did much to enhance. My father, 
 whose face and hands were browned with the suns of 
 some sixty summers, had a touch of the patriarch about 
 him. He often declared the world outside of Cape Ood 
 so wicked as not to be worth living in. He was short of 
 figure, had flowing white hair, a deeply-wrinliled brow, 
 and corrugated lips, and blue eyes, over-arched with long, 
 brown eyelashes. My mother ran to me, and my father 
 grasped me firmly by the hand, for he was not a little 
 concerned about my stay on the beach. Indeed, I may as 
 well confess, that he regarded me as a wayward youth, 
 over whom it was just as well to exercise a guardian hand. 
 In his younger days he had been what was called extremely 
 good looking, a quality he frequently told me I had inherit- 
 ed, and from which he feared I might suffer grievous harm, 
 unless I exercised great caution when divers damsels he 
 had a jealous eye upon approached me. My mother was 
 less jealous of my exploits among the sex, which she 
 rather encouraged. 
 
 Another cause of anxiety with my father was the fact 
 that I had written a " Life and Times " of Captain Seth 
 Brewster ; which work, though the hero was a fisherman, 
 reached a sale of forty thousand copies, put money in my 
 pocket, and made me the pet of all the petticoats round 
 about. It was not unnatural, then, that my father, with 
 his peculiar turn of mind, should set me down as being 
 partially insane. I had also manufactured several very 
 highly-colored verses in praise of Cape Cod ; and these 
 my publisher, who was by no means a tricky man, said 
 had made a great stir in the literary world. And his as- 
 sertion I found confirmed by the critics, who, with one 
 accord, and without being paid, declared these verses 
 proof that the author possessed " a rare inventive 
 genius." The meaning of this was all Hebrew to me. 
 
16 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 My mother suggested that it might be a figure of speech 
 copied from Chaldean mythology. 
 
 Another cause of alarm for my morals, in the eyes of 
 my father, was the fact of my having made two political 
 speeches. And these, according to divers New York poli- 
 ticians, had secured Cape Cod to General Pierce. And, 
 as a reward for this great service, and to the end of illus- 
 trating in some substantial manner (so it is written at this 
 day) their appreciation of a politician so distinguished, I 
 was waited upon by a delegation of the before-named poli- 
 ticians, (two of whom came slightly intoxicated,) who had 
 come, as they said, to tender to me an invitation to visit 
 New York. A public reception by the Mayor and Coun- 
 cil ; a grand banquet at Tammany Hall ; the honor of 
 being made one of its Sachems ; free apartments and two 
 charming serenades at the New York Hotel ; and divers 
 suppers at very respectable houses, w^ere temptingly sug- 
 gested as an inducement for me to come out and take a 
 prominent position. Indeed, such were the representa- 
 tions of this distinguished delegation, that I began to 
 think the people of New York singularly rich and liberal, 
 seeing that they trusted their surplus money in the hands 
 of persons who were so loose of morals that they could 
 find no other method of spending it than suppering and 
 serenading men of my obscure stamp. 
 
 But if my father was alarmed lest my morals should 
 suffer by these temptations, my mother would have 
 answered to heaven for my virtue, though a dozen dam- 
 sels were setting snares for me. And this will be shown 
 in the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER 11. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OP HOW I LEFT MY NATIVE CAPE, AND 
 SUNDRY OTHER MATTERS. 
 
 I HAD no sooner disclosed to my father my musings with 
 Fame, and tbe aspirations she had excited in me, than he 
 went right into a passion, and set me down as extravagant 
 and mad. He had entertained hopes of making me a 
 schoolmaster, perhaps an inspector of fish, in which office 
 excellent opportunities for increasing one's fortunes were 
 offered ; but I had been rendered quite useless to the 
 parish ever since the New York politicians had taken me 
 into their favor. Anybody, he said, might go out upon 
 and know the world, but few had the courage and daring 
 to grapple with its difficulties. And then, the world was 
 so wicked that men of reflection instinctively shrank from 
 it. Notwithstanding my wild, visionary plans, he yet had 
 hopes of me. But if I sought distinction in the political 
 world, it would be well not to forget that it had at this day 
 become a dangerous quicksand, over which a series of 
 violent storms continually heaved. And these storms, by 
 some mysterious process or other, were incessantly casting 
 up on the shore of political popularity and making heroes 
 of men whose virtues were not weighty enough to keep 
 them at the bottom. " Be an humble citizen, my son," 
 said he : " learn to value a quiet life. You are not given to 
 loud and boisterous talking, to lying, or to slandering ; 
 which things, at this day, are essential to political success. 
 Worthy and well disposed persons are too much afraid of 
 being drowned in the violence of the storm politicians with 
 shallow brains and empty pockets create, by their anxiety 
 
 [17] 
 
18 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to take tlie affairs of the nation into their own keeping. 
 Remember, too, that if you fail in the object of yoar am- 
 bition (and you are not vagabond enough to succeed), the 
 remotest desert will not hide you from the evil designs of 
 your enemies. You may seek some crystal stream ; you 
 jnay let your tears flow with its waters ; but such will not 
 lighten your disappointment, for the persecuted heart is no 
 peace-offering to the political victor. Politically van- 
 quished ; and you are like an unhappy lover who seeks 
 'him a rural deity and sings his complaints to the winds. 
 Your eye will become jealous at the fortunes of others, 
 but j'our sighs over the cruelty of what you are pleased to 
 call human imperfections will not bring back your own. 
 Stay quietly at home, my son, and if you cannot he a 
 schoolmaster, chance may one day turn you up President 
 of these United States. Let your insanity for writing 
 books not beguile you into crime ; and above all, I would 
 enjoin you, my son, never to write the ' Life and Character ' 
 of an in-going President, for then, to follow the fashion of 
 the day, and make for him a life that would apply with 
 equal truth to King Mancho, or any one of his sable .subjects, 
 it will be necessary that you write him down the hero of 
 adventures he never dreamed of, and leave out the score of 
 delinquincies his real life is blemished with. If you do this, 
 wise men will set you down a scribbler for charity's sake." 
 Thus spoke my venerable father. But I remembered that 
 he had several times before said that if I would so square my 
 morals as to become in favor with the matronly portion of 
 the parish he would even try and make a parson of me 
 which was, in his opinion, a promotion still higher than 
 the schoolmaster. Having got a parish, and chosen the 
 richest damsel of the flock for my wife, there was nothing 
 to hinder me from snapping my fingers at the world and 
 jt-s persecutions. 
 
HOW I LEFT THE CAPE. 19 
 
 My father, I would here observe, in justice to his mem- 
 ory, was much given to the study of religion, and would 
 not unfrequently invite to his house the parson of a neigh- 
 boring village, that he might debate with him on matters 
 appertaining to the creed, which he had been thirty years 
 narrowing down to the finest point. And yet he always 
 kept a vigilant eye to his worldly aifairs, nor ever let a 
 man get the better of him in a bargain. Indeed it was 
 said of him that though he had not been to sea for many 
 a day he so linked himself to tlie fortunes of his neigh- 
 bors as to secure a large share of the bounty so generously 
 paid by our government. That there was nothing in this 
 inconsistent with his love of true religion my father was 
 assured by the parson, who held that worldly possessions 
 in no wise blunted the appetite for redemption ; and that 
 even bill-discounting quakers, with their bags of gold on 
 their backs, would not find the gates of heaven shut to 
 them. And as the parson was a man of great learning, 
 .though small of figure, and very curatical in his features 
 and dress, his opinions were in high favor with the vil- 
 lagers, among whom he had given it out that he was a 
 graduate of Yale and Harvard, both of which celebrated 
 institutions had conferred high honors upon him. This 
 high throwing of the parson's lasso getting abroad atoned 
 for innumerable antiquated and very dull sermons, for the 
 delivery of which he would excuse himself to his private 
 friends by saying that his salary was but four hundred 
 dollars a year, one third of which he took in No. 2 mack- 
 erel no one would buy of him. He was excessively fussy ; 
 and if he advocated temperance to-day, he would to-mor- 
 row take a sly smash, never forgetting to add that it was 
 recommended by his physician, who was likewise a man 
 of great learning. Under the influence of this medicine, 
 it was said, by malicious people, which no parish is with- 
 
20 ADVENTUEES OF HAJOE POTTEE. 
 
 out, that if the occasion demanded a serious sermon he 
 was sure to preach one that would send all the young folks 
 of his congregation into a titter. If the occasion was such 
 as to tolerate a little humor, he was sure to send them all 
 into a melancholy mood with the gravity of Ids remarks. 
 In fine, he was sure to be on the opposite side of every- 
 thing natural. The only question he was not quite sure 
 it would do to get upon, was the slavery question. And 
 for this he always excused himself by saying that there 
 were many others in the same condition. It would not 
 do to he in the desert, hence he inclined to the policy of 
 our fashionable clergy, who are extremely cautious not to 
 steer too close to questions not popular enough to be profit- 
 ably espoused. If Parson Stebbins (for such was his name) 
 let drop a few words in favor of freedom to-day, Obadiah 
 Morgan, the most influential member of his church, would to- 
 morrow politely withdraw. A word or two complimentary 
 of the South and her peculiar institutions was equally sure 
 to find him taken to task by the philanthropic females of his 
 parish. In truth, he could approach neither side of the 
 question without finding a fire in his rear. And as his 
 empty pocket would not allow him to rise to independence, 
 he resolved to preach to that portion of his church which 
 was content to let the slavery question take care of itself. 
 The parson joined my father m his endeavors to shake 
 the resolution I had taken, and said many things concern- 
 ing the snares set by the wicked world, and how easy it 
 was for an ardent youth like myself to fall into them, that 
 grievously annoyed my mother ; for, as I have said be- 
 fore, she had great faith in my virtue, and so doted on me 
 that she had a ready excuse for all my follies. Indeed, 
 she would often smile at the combined alarm of my father 
 and the parson, saying she held it infinitely better that a 
 youth like myself go out upon the world in search of dis- 
 
HOW I LEFT THE CAPE. 21 
 
 tinction, for therein lay the virtue of his example. Chil- 
 dren -were horn to the world ; if they had daring enough 
 to go out upon it and battle with it, the parson's advice to 
 stay at home was unnecessary. You could not make 
 human things divine ; and, to expect miracles from saints 
 now-a-days, or truth from critics, or liberality from parsons, 
 was like looking for reason in our '• current literature." 
 
 When my father found that I was, in spite of the ad- 
 monitions of the parson, resolved on setting out, and that 
 he was confronted by the strong opposition of my mother, 
 he gave up in despair, telling me whatever befell me, 
 not to look to him for succor. My mother, on the other 
 hand, gave herself up to my preparation for the journey 
 with so much ardor, that she for several days almost 
 wholly neglected the regulation of her domestic affairs. 
 My precious new suit of black, in which I had adorned 
 myself on Sundays, and, not a little vain of my appear- 
 ance, shone out at church, was got out and brushed, and 
 then nicely packed away in my valise, which likewise 
 contained an ample supply of unmentionables, and home- 
 made shirts, and stockings, and other articles appertain- 
 ing to the wardrobe of an adventurous young man. My 
 mother also exercised a wise discretion in the selection of 
 such books as she thought would afferd me " maxims 
 of guidance," as she called it, through the world. A < 
 •pocket Bible, and a small volume of the " Select Edition 
 of Franklin's Maxims," a book in high favor with the good 
 people of the Cape, were got of a bookseller in Barnsta- ' 
 ble, a queer wag, who had got rich by vending a strange 
 quality of literature and taking fish in exchange. In ad- 
 dition to these good books provided by my mother, I was 
 careful not to forget my " Polite Speech Maker," a book 
 which I confess to have studied much. In truth, like 
 many distinguished members of Congress, I am indebted 
 
22 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to it for my great political popularity. Eesolved as I 
 am that this history shall never swerve from the truth, I 
 would sincerely recommend a study of the " Polite Speech 
 Maker " to all juvenile politicians, dealers in liquor, edit- 
 ors of three-cent newspapers, and learned litterateurs, 
 whose names, according to sundry malicious writers, it is 
 come the fashion of the day to reflect in one mirror. 
 
 In the " Polite Speech Maker " will be found such sen- 
 tences as " the tranquilized glory of our glorious coun- 
 try," and " the undying beauties, that starry emblem, our 
 flag, awakens in our heart of hearts ;" and sundry others, 
 equally abstruse, but no less essential to the objects of pri- 
 mary meetings. The author of this invaluable work is 
 my learned friend and very erudite scholar. Dr. Easley. 
 And as some readers hold the study of an author of 
 much more importance than his book, I may be excused 
 for saying here that no one can take up one and forget the 
 other, since literature, as is there set forth, was never be- 
 fore either blessed or encumbered with so great a doctor. 
 
 My library and outfit being complete, my mother, hav- 
 ing provided me with a yellow waistcoat and white plush 
 hat out of her private purse, gave an evening party in 
 honor of my departure. Parson Stebbins, the doctor of a 
 neighboring village, (not Easley, for he had set up his for- 
 tunes in New York,) and sundry bright-eyed damsels of 
 my acquaintance, were invited, and came accompanied by 
 their sturdy parents. The last jar of jam and apple- 
 sauce was stormed, the two fattest pullets in the yard 
 brought to the block, choice mince and pumpkin pies were 
 propounded, three dollars were expended upon a citron 
 cake such as Cape Cod had never seen before, and no less 
 than a dozen bottles of Captain Zeke Brewster's double 
 refined cider was got of Major Cook, the grocer. Stronger 
 beverages were held in questionable respect by the Cape 
 
HOW I LEFT" THE CAPE. 23 
 
 folks. My mother did, indeed, bus}' herself for nearly 
 two days in the preparation of this supper, declaring at the 
 same time that she would not be outdone by any housewife 
 this side of Barnstable at least. Nor did she heed my 
 father, who continued the while muttering his misgivings. 
 
 The stars shone out bright on the night of the party, 
 which passed off to the delight of every one present. The 
 fowls, and the pies, and the jam and apple-sauce, and a 
 dish of tea the parson declared could not be excelled, 
 were all discussed with great cheerfulness. My father, as 
 was his custom, drew his chair aside after supper, and en- 
 gaged two of his guests in religious conversation, while 
 the doctor and the parson got into a corner, and soon be- 
 came deeply absorbed in a question of law, which they 
 debated over the cider. 
 
 No sooner had my mother set her table to rights than 
 she, with an air of motherly watchfulness, drew her chair 
 beside the damsels, with whom I was exchanging the 
 gossip of the Cape, and entered cheerfully into our conver- 
 sation. 
 
 More than one of the bright eyed and ruddy cheeked 
 damsels gave out hints that led me to believe they would 
 have accompanied me on my journey and shared the for- 
 tunes of my career. Nor did their hints disturb my 
 mother, whose mind was too pure to conceive their atten- 
 tions aught else than blessings. And thus, with an abund- 
 ance of good cheer, and the interchange of those civilities 
 so common to villagers, and the singing of an orthodox 
 hymn or two, in which my father joined, while the doctor 
 and the parson continued their discussion over the cider, 
 passed one of those rustic evening parties so characteris- 
 tic of Cape Cod. 
 
 Half-past nine o'clock arrived, and it being an hour of 
 bedtime religiously kept by the villagers, the bright eyed 
 
24 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 damsels and their chaperons, each in turn, shook me 
 warmly by the hand, congratulated my mother on having 
 a son so daring, lisped words of encouragement in my ear, 
 and took an affectionate leave. Among them there was 
 one Altona Marabel, the daughter of a worthy fisherman. 
 This damsel had a face of exquisite beauty ; and her 
 great lustrous eyes and blushing cheeks had caused me 
 many a sigh. And now I saw that her heart beat in unison 
 with mine, for the words good-by hung reluctant upon her 
 lips. Nay, more, she would have sealed the love she bore 
 me with a tear, for as she shook my hand it came like a 
 pearl in her eye, and she wiped it away lest it write the 
 tale of her heart upon the crimson of her cheek. 
 
 Neither the doctor nor the parson were disturbed at the 
 departure of the rest of the company ; for they continued 
 to praise the quality of the cider and debate the question 
 of law until my father went into a deep sleep, from which 
 he was disturbed by the parson, who, in response to an 
 invitation from the doctor, commenced singing a song for 
 the entertainment of my mother. Such joviality was un- 
 common with the parson, and so surprised and astonished 
 my father, that he intimated to the doctor that it would 
 not be amiss to get him home. Being something of a wag, 
 the doctor intended to vanquish the parson with the cider, 
 and then perform certain mischievous tricks with his 
 features. But this my father, who was not given to 
 sporting with the weaknesses of others, prevented, by 
 ordering my mother to lock up the six remaining bot- 
 tles. "We might debate the question until daylight, 
 but I could not convince you," spake the parson, rising 
 from his chair on finding the bottles empty, and rather 
 fussily adjusting his spectacles, " it is not expected that 
 law is a part of your profession." 
 
 The doctor being a well bred and courteous man, bowed 
 
HOW I LEFT THE CAPE. 25 
 
 and held his peace. Indeed, he saw that the parson's in- 
 tellect was somewhat deranged ; hence he held it more 
 becoming a Christian to tender his services in con- 
 ducting him to his home, which was some two miles off. 
 The parson now took me by the hand, and having 
 looked me in the eye steadily for nearly a minute, ad- 
 dressed me as follows : " Yuu, young man, I am afraid, 
 have got a dangerous turn of mind. Many is the young 
 man that has been hurried to destruction by a too dar- 
 ing and adventurous spirit. But if your resolution to 
 go out upon the world in search of fame is not to be 
 shaken by anything I say, then I would enjoin you al- 
 ways to so fence up your character that the devil and 
 slander-loving editors cannot pick holes in it. Pray 
 much. Let no one tempt you witli mild drinks, for such 
 only lead to the taking of stronger ones. Go regularly 
 to church, but let not your eyes fall upon the faces of 
 pretty women so that your ears be sealed to the sermon. 
 Never make love to another ii:an's wife. Kemember 
 this when you are a great man, for with them it is 
 become a fashion. Let ruffians go their own way. Let 
 gentlemen be your companions, and never fail to show 
 them that you can at least be their equal in courteous 
 demeanor. Always pay your washerwoman ; be not 
 ashamed to acknowledge your father, and remember that 
 the fonder you speak of your mother, the more you will 
 be beloved by strangers. Avoid politicians, who are 
 come to be great vagabonds, who drink bad liquor and 
 give their thoughts to base designs against the nation's 
 gold. If you become -great and valorous, historians will 
 no doubt defame you, and lay crimes of which you were 
 innocent at your door, as is common with them. But you 
 must bear what they say of j ou with Christian fortitude, 
 remembering, always, that it is a delight with them to 
 2 « 
 
26 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 tear greatness from its higli throne." The parson looked 
 wisely in my face as he said this, and shook his head 
 warningly. "Most of all," he continued, "never permit 
 yourself to fall into the hands of treasury swindlers, 
 money changers, and malicious editors, who will set you 
 up as the only fit person to be President of these United 
 States, though you have not a single qualification neces- 
 sary to the office. For they, being tricky men, will be 
 sure to let you down with the same facility they look you 
 vip ; and when your ancestors, down to the third and 
 fourth generations are dug up, (as it has become neces- 
 sary to do,) and their character, together with ybiir ownT 
 made blacker than the ink they seek to damage one 
 another's character with, they will be the first to declare 
 they were mistaken in you — that you were not the man 
 they took you for." 
 
 The parson said many other things of a like character, 
 3ut which I did not think worth writing down in my mem- 
 ory. He then shook hands with mj' mother and father, 
 expressed his surprise at the lateness of the hour to the 
 doctor, and took his leave, meeting with a strange mishap 
 on his way home, which will be related in the next chap- 
 ter. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 IN WHICH IS EELATED A PLEASANT MEETING WITH A 
 RENOAYXED MAJOR. 
 
 Early on the following morning, tefore the sun had 
 hung the eastern sky with golden mists, my mother was 
 astir, and in due time had a plain but substantial break- 
 fast prepared. And, too, I heard my father muttering 
 his misgivings in an adjoining chamber. My valise, nicely 
 packed and strapped, stood by the door; this I thought a 
 contrivance of my father to shake my resolution. Indeed 
 I must confess that whenever my eya rested upon it, an 
 emotion of regret moved me, and my fancy filled with an 
 hundred perils that seemed incident to my career. The 
 earnestness of my mother, however, always restored me 
 to confidence. Her motto was, never despond, nor sit 
 idly at home, when fame and fortune are to be gained by 
 going abroad. She did everything with great cheerful- 
 ness of manner, and though the frosts of fifty winters had 
 made snow-white the hairs of her head, and plowed 
 their furrows deep into her oval face, there was a vigor in 
 her action that might have excited the envy of j'outh. 
 
 Though I could not suppress the efi'ect of those remin- 
 iscences of home, which on the eve of departure from it, 
 rise up and disturb the feelings, no sooner was breakfast 
 over than 1 shouldered my valise, and with my father on 
 my left, and my mother on my right, sallied forth to the 
 garden gate, where we halted before taking a last part- 
 ing. The favorite watch-dog, Tray, who had gamboled 
 with me in my boyhood, and held himself worthy of pro- 
 
 [27] 
 
28 THE ADVENTUKKS OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 tecting me in liis old age, followed us, wagging his tail in 
 evident deliglit at the prospect of bearing me company. 
 A soft breeze fanned over the beach, the dew-drippiiig 
 rose bushes, that lined tlie green-topped picket fence, 
 waved their tops to and fro, the sparrows whistled and 
 sung, and wooed, as if Providence had made them for 
 that alone ; and all nature seemed putting on her gayest 
 attire to inspire me with resolution. 
 
 " My son," said my father, grasping me tightly by the 
 hand, as the words trembled upon his lips, and the breeze 
 played with his gray locks, and his eyes filled wiili tears, 
 " if go you must, be a man in all things ; but heed not 
 the .sayings of men who talk loudest of being joar 
 friends." 
 
 " Why should he not go, daddy?" replied my mother, 
 who was accustomed to addressing him in this manner 
 " Be your own judge of the world, my son, nor ever think 
 bad of it until you have made your virtues an example 
 to others, for they who condemn the world most have least 
 to lay at its door." She then took my hfind affection- 
 ately, and after gently rebuking my father for his attempt, 
 as she styled it, to excite me to melanchol}', which she 
 held to be a great enemy to youth, kissed me and bade me 
 •ndieu. And I set out, taking the road to Barnstable. 
 They both leaned over the little gate, and twice ex- 
 changed adieus with me, as I turned to have a last look 
 at all that had been so dear to my childhood. Faithfal 
 old Tray bore me company, and wagged his tail approv- 
 ingly, and the rose tree tops, as 1 fancied, waved me a 
 God speed ; and the wind whispered joyously ; and the 
 birds flirted and sported before me on the sandy road, and 
 tuned their songs to the temper of my feelings. 
 
 Between me and Tray there existed the uninterrupted 
 friendship of a lifetime, the recollections of which 1 have 
 
A MEETING WITH A MAJOR. 29 
 
 sometimes thought of writing for the benefit of future 
 generations, seeing that to write one's recollections, (to 
 which may be added the recollections of others,) is be- 
 come extremely fashionable. Tray had been my compan- 
 ion in many an adventure, all of which I thought he at 
 this moment treasured in his memory, and would have re- 
 counted were he possessed of the power of speech. Hav- 
 ing ascended a piece of rising ground, about a mile from 
 the house, I sat down by the road side, intending to take 
 leave of him and send him back, according to the request 
 of my mother. He immediately planted himself close by 
 my side, laid his great paw incessantly upon my knee, 
 and, with looks of regret, would have expressed the friend- 
 ship he bore me Avith caresses. Indeed there seemed a 
 hidden goodness in his heart, a nobleness that caused the 
 current of his fiiendship to flow with much gentleness, 
 and a singleness in his mute appeals to my approbation, 
 that I could not help contrasting with the ins'neerity of 
 those dogs who go about the world on two legs, and ima- 
 gine themselves most valiant when devouring one another. 
 
 After resting for a few minutes, and casting a longing 
 look over the scene behind me, recalling, as it did, so 
 many old associations, I told Tray that we must part ; 
 and that as he was now well 3own in years, perhaps we 
 should never more meet again. He seemed to understand 
 all I said to him, and, as I patted him gently upon the 
 head, repaid my friendship by caressing my hand, and 
 turning upon me several sympathetic looks. On telling 
 him that he must go home, he hung his head, and droop- 
 ed his tail, and moved slowly into the road, several times 
 halting and casting reluctant looks back. Then he stretch- 
 ed himself down in the sand, and placing his head be- 
 tween his great paws, watched me out of sight. 
 
 Having journeyed about two miles, I reached a cross- 
 
30 THE ADVENTURES OF MAJOE POTTEE. 
 
 road, and saw approaching one of tliose great wagons fam- 
 iliarly known in that part of the country as " tin wag- 
 ons." It was drawn by an exceedingly lean, gray horse ; 
 and a short, fat man, with a broad, florid face, beaming 
 with good nature, was mounted upon a high seat, made 
 of a bundle of sheepskins. He was squint eyed, spacious 
 mouthed, and had a nose that was flat to the end, which 
 turned up in a short pug. His hair was of a sandy color, 
 and parted carelessly down the center ; and his dress was 
 of well-worn gray satinet, which sat loosely upon his ro- 
 tund figure. His hat, of soft black felt, was drawn well 
 down over his low forehead, and but for his beard, which 
 was thick and matty, one might easily have mistaken 
 him for a cross between a Dutch washerwoman and a 
 pumpkin-bellied quaker. 
 
 His team moved along at a measured pace, as if lieep- 
 ing time to the song he was singing, with great flow 
 of spii'its, for his own entertainment. I waited until he 
 came up, much amused at the manner in which he every 
 few minutes cracked his big whip. " Stranger ! '' said he, 
 in a shrill, squeaking voice, " which way are you jour- 
 neying ? — what can I do to serve you this morning ? " 
 He reined up his team, and dismounting in a trice, ex- 
 tended his hand with a heartiness I was surprised to find 
 in a stranger. ^^ Jedediah Smooth, the renowned fisherman, 
 is my father, and I have set out in search of fame and 
 fortune," was my reply. At this he set his small, but 
 searching eyes upon me, and seemed confounded, the 
 cause of which I was not a little anxious to learn. 
 
 " Son of the worthiest of fathers ! " he exclaimed, in a 
 voice of great earnestness, " my delight at meeting one 
 whose fame as a politician has preceded him, knows no 
 bounds." Again he shook my hand fervently, as a pleas- 
 ing delirium seemed to have seized upon his senses. "Ac" 
 

 O 
 
 i 
 
 SO 
 
 S 
 o 
 
 w 
 o 
 a 
 
 E 
 e 
 
A 5IEETJXG WITH A MAJOE. 31 
 
 cidents are sometimes eijual to conquests," ho continued. 
 ',' Know, then, - that you confront Major Roger Sherman 
 Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter. Like a 
 titillation of the fancy, I have been thrown up and down 
 by the tide of political fortune and misfortune until I be- 
 came sickened of it, and i-esolved to seek obscurity, and 
 live like an honest man by the sale of tin, and such wares 
 as the good people of this remote part of the world might 
 have a demand for. You must not judge me by the call- 
 ing necessity has now forced me to follow, for I hold it 
 right, and in strict accordance with the nature of our insti- 
 tutions, that when fortune forsakes us, we stand not 
 upon the order of a reputation, which at best is but a poor 
 thing in time of need, but give ourselves manfully to any 
 labor by which our bands may preserve the honesty of 
 our heads. It is much better, I think, than following the 
 fashion of our politicians, who reward the people who 
 send them to Congress by neglecting their duty to the 
 country, and studying those arts by which they can ap- 
 propriate to themselves the choicest spoils." 
 
 The Major now led his team a little out of the road, 
 hung his feed bag to his horse's head, and while the ani- 
 mal was eating, spread a sheepskin upon the ground, un- 
 der some elder bushes, and invited me to sit down to a 
 plentiful supply of crackers and cheese, to which he added 
 a quart of cider drawn from a small keg he kept se- 
 creted under his box. He also discovered to me the fact, 
 that in addition to every variety of tin ware, mop handles, 
 washboards, crimping moulds, and wooden faucets, he 
 kept a small supply of fourth proof brandy, which he sold 
 to those who had a want in that line for winter strained 
 sperm oil, a name convenient enough to suit all purposes. 
 In truth, the good people of the neighboring villages had 
 taken so strongly to the temperance cause, that no spir- 
 
32 THE ADVENTUEES OF MAJOK POTTEE. 
 
 itous liquors could be got of anytody but tlie doctor, ar.d 
 then only on a certificate from the parson, -who vouched 
 for your g.iod character, and set forth that to tlie best of 
 his belief, it would be used only as a medicine. And the 
 doctor, who had a scrupulous regard for all good and well 
 regulated communities, took a joint interes-t with the par- 
 son, and so raised the price of this sort of medicine as to 
 make the trade an extremely lucrative one. But as the 
 rich were never known to be denied, and the poor had 
 not money enough to enjoy so expensive a cure for their 
 maladies, which were greatest in number, the popular en- 
 actment became not only a grievous, but a very oppres- 
 sive monopoly. And this monopoly the major, who es- 
 teemed himself a great public benefactor, sought a cure 
 for in selling for three shillings a pint, an article equal in 
 quality to that for Avhich the doctor and the parson de- 
 manded ten. But this, he said, very good naturedly, he 
 was compelled to do on the sly, for though his ciistomeis 
 ■were principally poor people, if it got noised abroad, noth- 
 ing could save him from the fury of a mob of pious and 
 very orderly people, whowouldget up town meetings and 
 vote him down an intolerable nuisance. This done, iind 
 the market for his tin pints and washboards would be 
 closed for ever. 
 
 Having refreshed ourselves with the crackers and cheese 
 and cider, the Major very pleasantly commenced recount- 
 ing a little affair of honor he had been called upon to 
 adjust but a few minutes before, and as he was proud of 
 his skill as a diplomatist, the recital afforded him an in- 
 finite amount of pleasure. 
 
 '' Parsons and doctors," said he, taking a copious cup 
 of cider, " no doubt imagine themselves (and they have 
 an undisputed right so to do) to be the very embodiment 
 of natural benevolence and inviolable fidelity. But there 
 
A MEETING M'lTH A MAJOR. 33 
 
 are things of an opposite nature, to wliich tbeir hearts and 
 Inclinations are as susceptible as those of the tenderest 
 virgins. I was pursuing my journey this morning, when 
 ' old Battle,' my horse, who has smelled powder enough 
 to make his nerves more steady, pricked up his ears at 
 something he saw in the bushes by the roadside. Reining 
 him up, I dismounted, and to my great surprise discovered 
 two well-dressed men fast asleep, locked in each other's 
 arms. ' Faith of my father ! ' saj's I, ' who's here ? ' A 
 slightly guttural sound was followed by a hoarse voice 
 answering, ' It's only me.' And then a lean figure, with 
 two well-blacked eyes, and a face otherwise disfigured, 
 disconnected itself from its fellow, rose to its haunches, 
 and stared at me with wild dismay. A white neckcloth, 
 somewhat besmeared with blood, denoted his profession. 
 On coming to his senses he aroused his companion, and 
 commenced charging him with being the cause of the 
 sad plight he was in. Neither seemed to have a very 
 distinct recollection of the event that had founed them in 
 a condition so disgraceful to them as respectable citizens; 
 and the other protested his innocence of any misdemeanor, 
 but was equally at a loss how to account for the disfigured 
 face of his companion, and was about charging the whole 
 affair to a dispensation of Providence, that being the most 
 convenient and fashionable method for disposing of such 
 things. But the man of the disfigured face, who was no 
 less a person than Parson Stebbins, (and his companion the 
 doctor, of whom mention was made in the foregoing chap- 
 ter,) clung tenaciously to what he was pleased to call his 
 love of facts, and said he would come out with it all, that 
 the truth of history might not be impeached. 
 
 " They had been spending the evening at your father's 
 house, and were regaled with cider of such uncommon 
 strength as to make a deep impression upon their sonsibili- 
 2* 
 
34 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ties. Tlie doctor declared tliey drank nothing stronger, 
 notwithstanding the parson accused him of having a small 
 Hask in his pocket. It was late when they left the house; 
 and as they had been warmly discussing whether it was 
 right in the sight of God to hang a woman for killing her 
 drunken husband, without coming to any decision, they 
 agreed to change the subject to one of a tlieological char- 
 acter, it being absolutely necessary that they have some- 
 thing to debate on their way home. The doctor inquired 
 of the parson, what he thought of the doctrine held by 
 many popular divines, that God made Moses and Elijah 
 visible to the Apostles on the occasion of the transfigura- 
 tion. The parson, after pausing a few moments, and 
 remarking that he had a curious feeling in his head, wbich 
 seemed to sit unsafely upon his shoulders, replied that the 
 question was of too abstruse a nature to be debated by 
 any but members of his own profesbion, to which it (f 
 right belonged. If he were to speak his mind it would be 
 to give doctors in general no vei'y higli reputation for 
 either morals or religion. ' True history' never gave them 
 much mention; and tbonglj Ari.stotle had treated their 
 vagaries with great condescension, Cicero never conhl be 
 got t(j look with favor upon them. Yours is a mischiev- 
 ous profession, the members of which arc always seeking 
 the demolition of useful sciences.' This the par.son said 
 in so angry a tune that it excited tlie pugnacity of the 
 doctor, who was scrupulous of his profession, and declared 
 lie would not siand by and hear it slandeied. 
 
 "They had now staggeied among some laurel bushes at 
 the side of the road, when the doctoi-, having inquired if 
 the parson meant anything personal, and not receiving an 
 immediate answer, fetched him a blow that felled hiiu to 
 the ground, and almost simultaneously fdlowed him. And 
 now so great wa< his fear of having done him bodily injury, 
 
A MEETING \\'ITH A MAJOll. 35 
 
 that lie seized lihu in his arms, and, thus embraced, they 
 had slept until I disturbed them. Each now commenced 
 giving a confused version of the affair, criminating and re- 
 criminating in a manner tliat only served to increase the 
 disgrace to which it attached. Tlie doctor protested his 
 innocence of the deed, while the parson continued to dis- 
 cant upon the consequences that would result from the 
 disfiguration of his featui-es. At the same time they both 
 intimated their readiness to have me sit in judgment upon 
 their affairs, and accept my decision as final. 
 
 " When they had put on their hats I bid them sit down 
 upon a moss-covered hillock, and hold their peace. Having 
 done this with great good natuie, I seated myself on an 
 opposite one, and commenced to delibei'ate upon their case. 
 The state of debility in which they had unfortunately 
 found themselves on the pievious night must, doubtless, 
 be put down to the strengtii of the eider. The debility, 
 then, being acknowledged, neither could be held accounta- 
 aLle to the other for acts committed while morally insane. 
 As to the imputation cast upon the medical profession by 
 the j)arsou, even were it done when the mind was morally 
 sane, it ought only to he set down to the natural envy 
 existing amoi;g members of difl'erent professions, and was 
 n.uch to be di'ploied, for instead of one being ambitious to 
 cb\iiii a Bupejiority over the other, they ought to regard 
 themselves coworkers in equallj' good causes, and for the 
 advancement of a common humanity. In order to settle 
 the questions they had attempted to debate, I proposed 
 that they adopt the rule laid down by our noisy Congress- 
 men, each being satisfied in his own mind that he had 
 demolished the aigumcnts (.f the other, and for ever settled 
 the question at issue. The battering they had given each 
 other was ii thing of the past. "Was it not better then to 
 let a bvgone be a bygone, rather than seek a technical sat- 
 
36 ADVEXTUEES OE MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 isfaction, that wLile it afforded tlie public some amusement 
 would only bring themselves a great deal of pain ? They 
 could no more recall the past than they could make a set 
 of rules for governing the appetites of the people. There 
 were always simpletons enough to believe that they could 
 be cured of consumption by taking such nostrums as cod 
 liver oil and Wistar's Balsam ; so also would the world 
 always be pestered with men simple enough to believe 
 that every man must square his inclinations to the measure 
 of their own. But one point now remained to be delibe- 
 rated upon, and that was how the doctor should atone to 
 the parson for his damaged face. I, however, soon over- 
 came this, by suggesting that it would be no more than 
 light, and equally becoming of a Christian, that the parson 
 accept the doctor's deep regrets in offset for the injuries 
 he had received in his features. This the parson, who 
 was not to be outdone in his benevolence of soul, readily 
 acquiesced in ; and thus was saved the trouble of calling 
 in the aid of a lawyer, who, wi*^h no earthly hope of re- 
 storing the broken peace, would have made destructive 
 inroads upon both their pockets. The two now shook 
 hands, and with expressions of the highest esteem for each 
 other, thanked me and took their departure for home." 
 
 I had my suspicions that this story was a romance of 
 the Major's ovs-n manufacture; nor were my suspicions 
 dispelled by any subsequent act of his. And notwith- 
 standing he was ready at all times to redress the wrongs 
 of thirsty humanity, he kept a sharp eye to the equivalent, 
 and had an inveterate hatred of all who opposed his free 
 trade principles, which, in a measure, accounted for the 
 story of the doctor and the parson. In truth, he liad the 
 facility of an Arab for manufacturing romances, which lie 
 used 3,s a means to demolish his enemies, as will hereaftej 
 be shown in this history. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 MAJOR ROGEH POTTER RECOUNTS HIS NUMEROUS EX- 
 PLOITS IN WAR AND POLITICS. 
 
 Having finished the story with great sincerity of man- 
 ner, the major commenced to brighten and polish up his 
 face with his handkerchief, and to pack away his proven- 
 der. This done, he bridled old Battle, his horse, arranged 
 his seat of sheepskins, and invited me to mount and ride 
 with him ; for no sooner had I discQvered to him the object 
 of my undertaking than he dubbed himself the luckiest 
 of fellows, offering to be my companion in arms, and the 
 sharer of my fortunes. Three loud cracks of the whip, 
 and old Battle started off at a brisk pace, the major add- 
 ing that if we made haste we would reach Barnstable by 
 nightfall. As the wagon rolled over the road, a cackling 
 noise was kept up, much to my surprise and annoyance ; 
 this I found was caused by a coop of disconsolate chickens, 
 which the major had bought on speculation, and fastened 
 to the back of his wagon, intending to make a good thing 
 by selling them for Shanghais whenever he could find a 
 customer. 
 
 "Now, although I know j'oit so well by reputation, you 
 may not have heard so much of mo as many others have. 
 It is no great thing for a major like me to be engaged in 
 this sort of business, you will think ; but an honest living 
 made by vending tin is better than a fortune gained by fin- 
 gering the affairs of the nation. Indeed I have often thought 
 a man was never so great as when he condescended to 
 
 [37] 
 
33 ADVEXTUIiES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 make his living honestly. As you see, I have surrendered 
 myself to fortune, and am what some would call 'down in 
 the world.' But I have been up, and made a noise, and 
 will make more when next I get up." These remarks 
 were delivered with such evident self-couceit, that 1 was 
 at a loss how to comprehend their meaning, and asked the 
 major to explain himself. 
 
 After cracking his whip twice or thrice, he resumed, 
 '* My father, (he is gone, God bless him,) was an honest 
 shoemaker in the town of Barnstable, where I was born 
 and reared. Being poor, be could not give me much 
 schooling; but we lived comfortabl}', and enjoj-ed the re- 
 spect of the town people. I assisted him at his trade of 
 making shoes until I reached the age of two and twenty, 
 being esteemed a skillful meclianic. Joining the Barn- 
 stable luvincibles, a very disorderly militia company, I 
 was twice elected its captain, which v/as considered a very 
 g.iod practical joke, the militia there being in very bad 
 odor with everybody but the young damsels of the town. 
 To my military title, then, I owe one of the most fortunate 
 circumstances of my life — tliat of getting a wife. And 
 this wife, though she bore my title the strongest love, was 
 quite as good as I deserved. In due time we were bless- 
 ed witli one, and then another little Potter, and I began to 
 thank heaven for making me the happie.st of men. A 
 snug little home was the result of frugality and industry, 
 and peace reigned in it. But my wife was vain of my 
 military reputation, which she regarded as a hinge for 
 taking a higher position in the world. I must tell jou that 
 she cut two clever speeches from an old newspaper, de- 
 claring that I must study tiiem, so thftt with a few altera- 
 tions, (an art well understood by our clergymen and 
 politicians,) I could set up for a public man, makin" them 
 apply to all great questions with equal force. 
 
THE MAJOR AND HIS EXPLOITS. 89 
 
 "Wife was of a good, puritanical family, and, as I 
 afterwards had reason to know, well understood how to 
 push her husband up in the world. I got the speeches 
 down without the slightest difficulty.'' Here the major 
 wet his organs of speech with a little of something he kept 
 in a small flask he drew from his breast-pocket. " They 
 were fu 1 of Haze. In truth, I may say without fear of 
 conlradiction, that a dozen patriots might have found room 
 to roll up in them and die gloriously. Still, it didn't seem 
 to me much for a man to get a speech into his head ; so, 
 after getting another, I found no difficulty in getting 
 twenty, all of which were applicable to general sulijects. 
 The Tippecanoe fever then began to spread with great 
 virulency, and such was the power of its contagion that 
 John Crispin thi-ew away his lapstone, and Peter Vulcan 
 h mg up his anvil, and both went about tlie country deliv- 
 ering themselves of great speeches, with which they de- 
 luded the simple minded villagers, who forced greatness 
 upon them at every step. And so forcibly did the opinion 
 that they were great men take root with tlie good natured 
 mass, tliat the groat men of the newspapers, and the kind- 
 hearted crit'.cs, who are greater, seconded the opinion, and 
 set them down for wonders. The ambition nf my wife 
 now knew no bounds. She insisted that I should go to 
 the next political meeting, and tlien and there deliver one 
 of the speeches T had got into my head, and which I had 
 twice spoken before her, tliat the variations miglit be 
 squared ti the occasion. My shoe bench I sold f jr a trifle, 
 and my pegs and awls were consigned to the children for 
 playthlng-i. The Tippecanoe side nf politics being the 
 most popular, as well a^ profitable, I tied to it at once ; 
 and on going to the " Coon-meeting " surprised and aston- 
 ished every one with the powe;' and arguments of my 
 speech. I may indeed humbly say, I flashed into great- 
 
40 ADVENTURES Oi' MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 ness witli tlie quickness of lightning. Neither. Cicero 
 nor Lycurgus were ever, in their day, thought- so well of 
 by the multitudes. It got noised about that Vv^ebster would 
 have to give np to me. And I am sure that if the elder 
 Adams or Jefferson had been living, they would have been 
 set down by the editors, in the gravest sentences they were 
 capable of penning, as mere shadows in comparison." 
 
 Here the major paused to make room for the Province- 
 town stage; a great yellow coach, full of passengers, 
 which we had come upon suddenly. The driver of the 
 stage, not liking the slow pace in which old Battle- was 
 proceeding to make room for him, laid his whip briskly 
 over his haunches, quickening his movements, but driving 
 the major into a furious passion. The sudden twitch 
 lauded us both upon the sandy road, under the pile of 
 sheepskins we had used for a seat. In this dilemma the 
 major called loudly for assistance, swearing that if the 
 stage driver would but stop he would give him battle to 
 his satisfaction. This only served to increase the mirth of 
 the passengers, who rather encouraged their mischievous 
 driver, now looking round and making grimaces at his ad- 
 versary. The major, however, was not long in extricat- 
 ing himself from the sheepskins, when, for want of a better 
 weapon, he seized a string of tin pints, and running as fast 
 as his short legs would carry him, hurled them one after 
 another at the stage coach. Ceasing to afford the passen- 
 gers this amusement only when his wind gave out, the 
 major swore by his military reputation that if they would 
 only give him an opportunity ho would whip the stage^ 
 load before breakfast, and think it a mere trifle The 
 coach now rolled out of sight, and the major sat down bv 
 the road side to contemplate the loss of his tin cups, which 
 like spilled apples, were strewn along the sand. It would 
 not do to suffer so great a loss, so he girded up' his nether 
 
TIIK MAJOll AND HIS EXPLOITS. 41 
 
 garments, and commenced picking up his cups, lamenting 
 their bruises as lie strung them upon his string. Finding 
 that we sustained no other luss than that of the major's 
 temper, I set his team to rglits, and, having mounted the 
 sheepskins, we were ready to proceed on our journey. 
 " Such an insult as that offeied to me when I was in the 
 Mexican war," said lie, moimliiig over the wheel with one 
 of those expletives much used among soldiurs, " and I had 
 demolished the lit at a stroke of my sword. Zounds ! 
 why can't stage drivers be gentlemen ? " 
 
 This was the first intimation I had liad of his being a 
 hero of the Mexican war. Regaining his good humor soon 
 after, I resigned him the reins, and he desired me to tell 
 him at what point of his story he had been interrupted. 
 Having done this, he resumed its thread as old Battle 
 jogged on at his usual slow pace. " I now took up the 
 trade of politics," he continued, "and went about the 
 country, making speeches and demolishing everything Ihat 
 came in my way. I had ideas enough for any number of 
 speeches, no matter what the length iniglit be ; but the 
 evil was how to put the sentences together. I could make 
 points such as Cicero and Lycurgus never thought of; as 
 for patriotism, there was no trouble about that. I had a 
 dozen platforms at my fingers' ends, and could move nn 
 audience equal to Lamartine. Here then was my game, 
 and at it I made a nice thing. The editor of tlie " Province- 
 town Longbow," who was celebrated for making at least 
 two Cabinet ministers a day, declared to his readers that 
 it was lucky for the era that my great wisdom had been 
 discovered; that it would be a great wrong in General 
 Harrison to offer me any less office than Secretary of 
 State. The " Barnstable Pocketbook," a clever little sheet, 
 edited by Miss Ilolebrook, who snapped her political wliip 
 in the teeth of the town, and had come off conqueror in 
 
42 ADVEXTUEES OF MAJOR TOTTER. 
 
 many, a tilt with ed'.tors in breeches, was willing to com- 
 promise with he of the Longbow, by assuring its readers 
 that only two years' study of law would make me an 
 excellent judge of the Supreme Court. These well be- 
 stowed encomiums, (as I think they are called,) so elated 
 my wife that she speedily took to giving tea parties, to 
 which all the majors and generals of the town were invit- 
 ed. And as they demolished the hospitality of her tea- 
 cups they made her believe the nation never could get 
 along unless I had two fingers in its affairs. 
 
 " My children, before as distasteful as the butter one 
 gets in New York hotels, were now so sweet that the 
 whole town wanted to kiss them. And the parson, who 
 had scarcely been known to say, 'how do you do, Mrs. 
 Potter,' now made his calls so frequent, and his bows so 
 gracious, that the neighbors said it would be as well to 
 have an eye out. I got fifteen dollars and my feed, for 
 each speech. Now and then an inspired soul threw in an 
 extra five. So that at the end of two months I had funds 
 enough to establish a bank in Wall street, with three 
 branches in the country. My credit, too, received an un- 
 limited extension. And this my wife took advantage of 
 to new furnish the house and haberdash the little Potters. 
 I contented myself with drawing on the tailor for two 
 suits of his best broadcloth, such as would appertain to a 
 politician so distinguished. But in truth I must confess, 
 without blushing, that my wife was not long in contracting 
 debts a richer man would have found difficulty in paying. 
 
 " However, having cleared away all doubts and elected 
 Harrison, whom I was careful to see safe into the arms of 
 the people, my friends all advised me to set out for Wash- 
 ington, where such abilities as I had discovered could not 
 fail of being rewarded by the government they had so ably 
 served. 
 
THE MAJOK AND HIS EXPLOITS. 43 
 
 " As a military title was held indispensable to the suc- 
 cess of a politician, the Barnstable Invincibles elected me 
 Major, an honor which could not be overlooked by the 
 politicians at Washington, whose business it is to give 
 oflSces and save the Union. So, with the praises of two 
 newspapers and the well-wishes of the town, I set out for 
 Washington, believing that the chief magistrate, in the 
 exercise of his great wisdom, would reward me with at 
 least a foreign mission." 
 
CHAPTER V. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MAJOR FELL AMONG POLI- 
 TICIANS AND OTHER NEW YORK VAGABONDS. 
 
 Having paused a few moments to moisten liis lips, for 
 the day was excessively warm, the Major spoke a few en- 
 couraging words to old Battle, and resumed liis story. 
 
 " If wisdom becometli the great, money is not to be 
 despised by the politician, I thought. So, having stocked 
 my purse with not less than two liundred dollars, I arrived 
 safely in New York and put np at the Astor House, an 
 liotcl in high favor with ex-secretaries and dilapidated 
 politicians, inasmuch as the worthy landlord accepts the 
 honor of their being guests of his house in satisfaction of 
 his bills. It was night when I arrived, and the splendor 
 and strangeness of everything around bewildered and con- 
 fused nie so much, that I forgot to put the prefix of 
 ' Major' to my name, when I registered it in the big book. 
 And this single omission had the eifect of consigning mo 
 to an attic room in the ninth story. Having intimated an 
 objection to this lofty position, the polite waiter said it was 
 the most convenient room in the house, since, in case of a 
 fire breaking out I conld use the sky -light, and, having 
 gained the roof, would be rescued by the firemen with 
 their scaling ladders; whereas, a lower position would 
 render me liable to be blockaded and devoured by the 
 rush of flames. I told the jjolite waiter, who was a gifted 
 Irishman, and though not four months in the country, had 
 [44] 
 
THE MAJOR AND HIS EXPLOITS. 45 
 
 taken to politics like a rat to good cheese, that he was 
 entitled to my thanks for the information. An intimation, 
 howe\er, that I was a Major of some renown, surprised the 
 git'teJ Irishman not a little. That he conveyed the news 
 to my worthy host I had not a doubt, since on the follow- 
 ing day I was removed to a spacious room on the second 
 stoiy. 
 
 " On descending to the great supper room, I was ac- 
 costed by one General Jo! n Fopp, of the Tippecanoe Club, 
 Avho congratulated me on my safe arrival in the city. 
 Being extremely easy in his manners, and apparently 
 readj' to render me services of no mean importance, I in- 
 vited him to join me in a cup of tea, which invitation he 
 was not slow to accept. Being much impressed with his 
 dignity of manner, and the glibness with which he dis- 
 coursed upon the events of the last campaign, I listened 
 to liim with profound respect. He said he would see that 
 my name was duly chronicled in the newspapers, not a 
 few of which he assured me he had full control over. In 
 fine, nothing that could serve the interests of one who had 
 made himself so famous during the late campaign was to 
 be left undone. He knew every speech I bad made by 
 heart, as he said ; and he had the name of every town I 
 had been in at his fingers' ends. Indeed, so varied were 
 his accomplishments, that I at once set him down for one 
 of those great men, in the possession of whom New York 
 is more fortunate than her sister cities, and of whose merits 
 strangers, for divers reasons, have had occasion to speak 
 with great confidence. 
 
 " When the newspapers had faithfully recorded my 
 arrival and given an undoubted history of my doings in 
 politics, I was to be introduced to the Collector and Post- 
 master, both of whom, though differing with me on great 
 national questions, would receive me as became gentle- 
 
46 ADVEXTCEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 men. The Mayor, too, would receive me at the City 
 Hall, in presence of the Common Council, and review the 
 police, which body of men had become, under the new 
 order of things, more devoted to beards and brandy than 
 the good order of the city. He said I must be careful not 
 to accept the invitations of councilmen to drink, for they 
 were sure to saddle the payment upon their guest, to say 
 nothing of their lately adopted art of making invitations 
 a means of supplying their own wants in the article of 
 liquor. And as drinking had become their most distin- 
 guishing characteristic, perhaps it would not bo amiss to 
 defend myself, he said, after the fashion of our smaller 
 politicians, who, as a general thing, invited councilmen to 
 confer with them at the bar, and left the settlement to be 
 arranged hetween them and the host. 
 
 "On finishing our tea, the General was kind enough to 
 say he would show me over the city. He could not, how- 
 ever, introduce me to the Coon-club that night, seeing 
 that it had adjourned and gone on a frolic. Only too glad 
 to accept the services of a companion so valuable, I joined 
 him, and we were soon at the door of the Broadway 
 Theater, where the General, to his great surprise, discov- 
 ered that in the change of his vest that evening (he had 
 foregone the pleasure of a very fashionable party in the 
 Fifth Avenue to do me ample honor) he had omitted to 
 replace his purse. I begged he would not mention it, 
 drawing forth the required sum. With great apparent 
 mortification he begged me to disburse the trifle and con- 
 sider it all right in the morning. This I was only too 
 glad to have the honor of doing. 
 
 •' An highly colored melodrama, in four acts, one of 
 which was laid in each of the four quarters of the globe, 
 (and if there had been a fifth, the cunning author would 
 have had an act for it,) was proceeding at a stormy pace. 
 
THE S[AJOR AXD HIS EXPLOITS. 47 
 
 the principal character being personated by a gentleman 
 of color, the audience, I thoi^ght, were trying to emulate 
 in loudness of talking. My new companion seemed to 
 have an extensive acquaintance, for he introduced me to 
 no less than twenty judges of the Supreme Court, whose 
 good opinion, he said, it was well to cultivate, and many 
 other persons, not one of whom was less than a major- 
 general of the Ninth Regiment, a corps somewhat cele- 
 brated for its courageous marching and counter-marching 
 up Broadway. Of the etiquette that ruled among the 
 military heroes of New York I knew but little ; nor Avas 
 I well acquainted with the accomplishments necessary to 
 her judges : hut it was impossible to suppress the thought, 
 that if soliciting treats of strangers were regarded as a 
 qualification, they could not he beaten, thongb the whole 
 Union were put to the test. And so excessive were their 
 duties in taking care of the Union, that their faces had 
 assumed a deep purple color. 
 
 " Ascending several flights of stairs, we, by great exer- 
 tion, reached what was called the ' third tier,' which lofty 
 domain was, by the generosity of the manager, set apart 
 for damsels whose modesty and circumspection would not 
 permit of their occupying seats in the dress circle. I, 
 however, noticed in them an audacity of manner that did 
 not appertain to such artless beings as my companion, 
 would have me believe them. It struck me, too, that the 
 toilet of these artless damsels was not what it should be. 
 Indeed, there was an extravagance of color, and scantiness 
 at hoth ends of their drapery, that both my mother and 
 grandmother would have set down as in extremely bad 
 taste. My companion soon cleared up this little matter, 
 by informing me that the toilet of these artless damsels, 
 so bright in color and scanty in places, was in strict keep- 
 ing with the standard of fashion adopted by the very best 
 
4:8 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 society, wliicli was to be more undressed than dressed, 
 tliat the devi! — wlio alwajs /^'auted to look in — might see 
 for himself. 
 
 " What there was lacking in drapery, to save my emo- 
 tions, I might, my friend said, make up in the color of my 
 imagination. Tliey were all the daughters of rich bankers 
 in Wall Street ; hence no one had a right to interfere witli 
 their mode of dress. Stewart, at whose shrine of satins 
 and silks ten thousand longing damsels worshiped, owed 
 his fortune to their love of bright colors. And although 
 lie had lilled two graveyards with ruined husbands, and 
 v.'as preparing a third for the great number of wives whose 
 constancy he had crushed out with the high price of his 
 laces, no one was simpleton enongh to blame him. No 
 matter how many sins of extravagant men he might have 
 to answer for-, the purchase of seven pews in Grace Church, 
 and the good will of Brown, M'ould secure his redemption. 
 Stewart was a hero whose deeds should be recorded in 
 history, and to whose memory a monument ought to be 
 raised in every fashionable graveyard ; and upon which it 
 would be well to inscribe an epitaph written by Brown, 
 the sexton. 
 
 "My companion said he would (and he did) introduce 
 me to several of these daughters of rich bankers, which 
 ,was very kind of him. The unrestrained quality of their 
 speech at first strack me as being a little curious, such 
 indeed as I was not accustomed to ; but I found them ex- 
 tremelj' easy to become acquainted with, and in nowise 
 prudish. Tliey did, however, keep up a suspicious inti- 
 macy with a brilliantly lighted, though not very fragrantly 
 scented, saloon on the left. In this I was assured there 
 was nothing improper, inasmuch as it was sanctioned bv 
 the customs of the best society in New York, and much 
 frequented by the Mayor and Aldermen. 
 
THE MAJOR AXD HIS EXPLOITS. 49 
 
 " One of the damsels, whose winning smiles excited the 
 filaments of my heart with joy, condescended to express 
 an enthusiastic admiration for my watch-chain, while 
 another very modestly said she would owe me a lasting 
 obligation if I would lend her my watch, that she might 
 wear it at the Tammany Hall ball, to which she was in- 
 vited by one of the managers. She pledged her honor, 
 of which she seemed to have a large stock, to return it 
 safe. As it was the first favor she had ever condescended 
 to ask of a gentleman, she felt sure I could not deny a 
 la'dy. Notwithstanding my respect for rich bankers and 
 their daughters, I begged that she would excuse me in 
 this instance, and charge to my poverty what might other- 
 wise seem a want of generosity. She said she would sing 
 to me, and be the light of my dreams ; but even this failed 
 to impress me with a due respect for her desires. With 
 that penuriousness characteristic of bankers, their papas, 
 it was clear, had not stocked their purses with change 
 enough to cover their wants, which habitually ran to ice- 
 water and sometiiiug in it. 
 
 •' It was clear they took me for a country bumpkin in- 
 stead of a great politician, and were inclined to make 
 much of my excess of simplicitj'. Motioning my com- 
 panion that it was time to be going, I expressed the great 
 delight their company had afforded me, and took my leave, 
 promising to pay them another visit at no very distant 
 day. I now began to mistrust my companion, whose de- 
 portment did not seem to square with that which I had 
 been accustomed to associate witli great generals. But he 
 was tailored and barbared after the manner of gentlemen, 
 and was likewise excessively smooth of tongue. 
 
 " On turning to depart, my companion i-eminded me 
 that it was customary on such occasions for all distin- 
 guished persons to present each of the artless young ladies 
 o 
 
50 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 with a golden dollar, which they preserved as a fund, 
 intending, when it became sufficiently large, to start a 
 'Journal of Civilization,' in which the literature of other 
 lands was to be much improved for the benefit of this. 
 The ' Journal of Civilization ' was not to be considered a 
 reflex of free brains, but rather as a reflex of fiee stealing, 
 which was to be advocated at great length in its columns. 
 Its general department would, my companion told me, be 
 devoted to the histories of great historians, commencing 
 with Jacob Abbot and ending with Peter Parley. Of its 
 politics not much was to be said, seeing that they were 
 written by my learned friend. Doctor Easley, author and 
 compiler of ' The Polite Speech Maker,' and onght never 
 to be taken as meaning what they said. Sharpeye and 
 Scissors were to be honored with the post of general 
 editors ; and the musical department, which it was 
 intended should be strong enough to drown all weak 
 instruments, had been consigned to three magnificent 
 harpers, who were capable of climbing a gamut of any 
 number of notes. Neither had tuned their harps veiy 
 extensively to home literature, the love they bore it being 
 of the chastest kind; and though they were capable of 
 conferring princely endowments upon it, they had turned 
 a deaf ear to all its cries and distresses. 
 
 "Not seeing the enlarged benefits that were to flow 
 from this Journal of Prospective Civilization, nor having 
 any great faith in the quality of civilrzation stolen litera- 
 ture would confer upon a nation, I preferred to distinguish 
 my generosity by a more national and less tricky exam- 
 ple. This, 1 observed, did not give satisfaction to the 
 damsels, who turned away with a look of contempt, and 
 no doubt to this day entertain a very poor opinion of me. 
 
 "When we had reached the street my companion very 
 modestly said there were not less than a thousand curious 
 
THE MAJOR AND HIS EXPLOITS. 51 
 
 places a politician sbuiild visit before being qualified for 
 taking a higli position among bis fellows. Many of tbese 
 were establislied for the benefit of poor men in pursuit 
 of fortunes, which it was absurd to think could not be 
 got without a too strict adherence to truth and probity. 
 First, he said, he would introduce me to the high priest 
 of the Pewter Mug, which was the Star Chamber of Tam- 
 many, though many simple-minded people residing in the 
 rural districts had mistaken it for. the place in which Mr. 
 Beecher, the reverend, wrote his celebrated star letters. 
 No famous politician or statesman ever visited New York 
 without scenting its pure atmosphere. And even Marcy 
 himself, who, notwithstanding his grievous fault of quot- 
 ing great authors, would be written down in history as a 
 knight of diplomatists, had been beard to say (he was a 
 frequenter of the Mug) that he owed the profoundness 
 of his wisdom to the quality of the beverages there 
 served. And as the first dawn of his generosity was sup- 
 posed to have broken forth in this compliment to the ac- 
 commodating high priest, it did him infinite credit in the 
 future. 
 
 "A little refleciion, however, produced a second thought. 
 If I were as invulnerable as Virgil's witch, I could sur- 
 vive the process of initiation, for then I could enchant the 
 faithful, who were politicians whose metal had been hard- 
 ened in the furnaces of the custom-house, and had passed 
 enactments, which they enforced with great rigor, that 
 no country-made politician should be admitted unless he 
 could drink and stand sober under thirty-two brandy cob- 
 blers per day, and was able to treat each member to his 
 daily ration of an equal number, for the space of two 
 weeks. 
 
 " Promising my companion that I would profit by his 
 valuable hint, we turned into Duane Street, and, after 
 
52 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 groping our way up one of its wet and na^ro^v alleys, 
 halted at the cellar-door of a dilapidated little house that 
 seemed to have been ignominiously crammed in between 
 two dead walls and left for an owl roost. I was never 
 wanting in courage, as my companions in Mexico can as- 
 sert, but I confess that a sort of shaky sensation came over 
 me just then. This was observed by my companion, who 
 hoped I would not be alarmed, since the place we 
 had arrived at was nothing more than the celebrated loco- 
 foco ' tiesl number three,' the members of which had their 
 head quarters at Tammany Hall and the Irving House, 
 and were very respectable men, and good working politi- 
 cians. A less inquisitive man than a citizen of Cape Ood 
 is acknowledged to be, could not have failed to discover 
 the artifice. But my enthusiasm carried away my dis- 
 cretion ; and, after descending six slippery steps, we came 
 to a door upon which my companion gave two loud 
 knocks, and placed his ear to the crevice. Mutterings, in 
 a tongue very like the Tuscan, were interspersed with 
 loud swearings, which were in turn diffused with curious 
 whisperings. Another loud knock, and a peremptory de- 
 mand from my companion, and the door was cautiously 
 opened by a witclilike iigure, the hideous face of which 
 protruded apace, and then shrank quickly' back, as if to 
 present me a commentary of what I might expect within. 
 " ' Rise, strike a light, and let the quality of metal you 
 are made of be seen ! ' said my companion, as he stepped 
 inside. The light of a tallow candle, in the hand of a 
 half-shirtless figure, with bruised face and upright hair, 
 discovered a cellar about twenty by sixteen feet, and 
 seven high. The man of the shirt and candle, I took for 
 the high priest of the locofoco nest number twenty-three, 
 so nimbly did he mount a little counter at the further end, 
 and set to arranging his bottles and glasses, thinking, no 
 
THE i[AJ01{ AXD HIS EXPLOITS. 53 
 
 doubt, that he had caught a customer of extensive gener- 
 osity. The atinospheie was thick and gloomy ; nor was 
 it rendered purer by the fourteen stalwart fellows who 
 lay stretched at full length upon half-emptied whiskey 
 barrels, and seemed much devoted to shattered garments, 
 disfigured faces, and collapsed hats. ' Here,' my friend 
 said, 'is your t!;ue working politician, who has no fear of 
 the infernal regions, and never thinks of heaven.' At a 
 word from him, they rose to their feet, though not with- 
 out an effort, and having given their hats an extra tip, 
 and thrust their hands into places where pockets ought to 
 have been, and let drop a few words of discontent, like my 
 learned friend Easley once said Calypso did, they seized 
 tumblers and ranged up to the counter, forming a most 
 striking panorama of dejected faces. ' I love and rever- 
 ence these men,' said my companion, modestly suggesting 
 that I must do myself the honor of paying for their med- 
 icine, ' since they were extremely useful in absorbing the 
 refuse liquor made at our distilleries, and keeping up the 
 respectability of the party to which they belong. Indeed, 
 they are not the base fabric of the vision you might take 
 them for ; they are all pensioned members of the Empire 
 Club, a very disorderly bpdy of men, of whom it is said 
 that no man can be elected President of the United 
 States without first consulting their approbation.' 
 
 " They held their peace, and drank with great apparent 
 experience. I did not dispute my companion's assertion, 
 that they had rendered noble service during many a cam- 
 paign, and were capable of rendering much more ; still, 
 my opinion of politicians in general was in no way height- 
 ened by their appearance. Being disappointed in their 
 ends and aims at the last election, they now stood much 
 in need of a trifle, with which to pay Bishop Hughes for 
 praying a recently-deceased brother through purgatory, a 
 
54 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 service he never performed without feeling the money 
 safe in his palm. All at once they set up a howl like mid- 
 night wolves, which so alarmed me that I hastened into 
 the street, where my companion soon joined mef saying 
 it was a way they had of expressing a joke. Not being 
 accustomed to the ways of working politicians of the 
 New York school, I made my way as fast as possible 
 into Broadway, when, to my surprise, I discovered that 
 my watch had parted company with me. My companion 
 was equally surprised, offered me any number of regrets, 
 and said he would go back and have every political vaga- 
 bond arrested and locked up in the Tombs, where, if his 
 acquaintance with the judge was not of too intimate a na- 
 ture, the thief would be detected and punished in the 
 morning. 
 
 " Pausing for a moment, a second thought, he said, sat- 
 isfied him that to seek redress by so bold a course would 
 not be good policy. The thief would have gone off with 
 his booty, hence it would be bettfer to remain quiet until 
 morning, when, having come back to hold consultation 
 with his fellows on some question of politics, as was cus- 
 tomary with them, the services of a detective would do 
 the rest. Just as we were debating this subject a well- 
 dressed man advanced toward us, and, stooping down, 
 picked up a corpulent pocket-book, with the possession of 
 which he seemed not at all easy. 'Friend,' said the man, 
 ' 1 am an honest Quaker, can'st thou tell me if thou art 
 the owner of this, for I leave for my home in Albany hi 
 the morning, and want not to be burdened with it.' After 
 an exchange of ci\ilities tliat satisfied me he was a gen- 
 tleman, I told him it was none of mine. He in.sisted 
 however, that I take possession of it, and in the morning 
 pursue measures to have it restored to its rightful owner." 
 And what followed will be recorded in the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 WHAT BEFELL MAJOR RODGER POTTER, AND HOW HE 
 FOUND HIMSELF OUTWITTED. 
 
 Knowing how well modesty becomes greatness, I list- 
 ened with profound attention to the major's story. Every 
 now and then he would relieve my feelings by suggesting 
 that the most interesting part of it was yet to come. We 
 had now pursued our journey some fifteen miles under a 
 burning sun, when we came to a running spring, beside 
 which the major drew up his team, and, dismounting, pro- 
 ceeded to fill his bucket. Having drank of the limpid 
 water from one of his tin cups, and placed the. bucket be- 
 fore old Battle, whom he patted with j.reat fondness, 
 the major next proceeded to take care of his disconsolate 
 chickens, which for the last three miles had been keeping 
 up an opera of discordant sounds, to his great annoyance. 
 Uncovering his coop, which he carried at the tail of his 
 wagon, he set two tin cups of water before them, and 
 scattered moistened meal at their feet, enjoining them to 
 hold their peace in the future. And while in the act of 
 doing this, he reminded me that great men were exalted 
 by small things, and however bemeaning the nursing of 
 chickens might be regarded in a military man, there was 
 in it a nobleness the great only could appreciate. The 
 chickens, however, did not seem to appreciate his sacri- 
 fice of dignity, for they devoured their food with an 
 increase of music. Having attended to the wants of his 
 live stock, the major frisked round his wagon to see that 
 his wares were all safe, and then commenced singing a 
 song, as if a transport of joy had suddenly come over 
 
 [55] 
 
56 ADVEXTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 him. " I tell you what it is, my friend," said he, pausing 
 in the middle of hia tune, and drawing his favorite flask 
 from his hreast pocket, " the world 'II think none the less 
 of us for traveling thus shabbily. There may be nothing 
 courtly in the profession of tin-peddling, yet it is an honor- 
 able enterprise, and has its obstacles as well as other 
 honorable enterprises." I besought him not to make him- 
 self uncomfortable on my account ; that I was not yet so 
 famous that I could not ride over the country on a tin- 
 wagon, without feeling it a sacrifice of dignity. 
 
 We now sat down by the spring together, and proceed- 
 ed to refresh ourselves with his crackers and cheese, to 
 which I added a newly-baked pumpkin pie my mother, 
 in the outpouring of her simplicity, had slipped into my 
 haversack ; and while regaling ourselves in this unpre- 
 tending manner, the major, whose ardor was rather in- 
 creased by the liquid he mixed with his water, resumed 
 the recital of his first adventure in New York : " Being 
 desirous of facilitating the Quaker's honesty, my com- 
 panion, General Fopp, suggested an easy way of disposing 
 of the matter. The pocket-book, he said, no doubt con- 
 tained an enormous amount, which the unlucky owner 
 would be anxious to regain as early as possible in the 
 morning,. and to that end would advertise in all the news- 
 papers, offering a large reward to the lucky finder, as an 
 inducement for him to preserve his honesty. The first 
 step then would be to find a convenient place for counting 
 the contents of the pocket-book, and considering the 
 amount which could be properly offered the Quaker, as 
 the reward of his honesty. So, after consulting within 
 myself for some few minutes, I followed my companion and 
 the Quaker into the back parlor of a cigar shop, where we 
 carefully counted the great roll of notes, and found the 
 amount to be exactly four thousand three hundred and 
 
WHAT BEFELL THE MAJOR. 57 
 
 twenty-two dollars, which nice little sum, together with 
 papers of great value, showing the ownijr, one Henry 
 Patersoii, to be a man of large dealings in Wall-street, were 
 entrusted to my care. My companion expressed his ina- 
 bility to trust himself with so large an amount of proper- 
 ty, especially as the servants at his hotel were prover- 
 bially inclined to take liberties with other people's goods. 
 At my request, he said he thought two hundred and fifty 
 dollars would be a moderate consideration, since the owner 
 would no doubt value the restoration of his property at 
 twice that sum. I was not possessed of so large a sum ; 
 but being anxious not to wrong the Quaker, whose quiet 
 demeanor completely won my confidence, I produced one 
 hundred and fifty dollars, which he accepted, saying it 
 was much more than he expected. My political compan- 
 ion said the air of contentment with which he accepted 
 the reduced sum, was in every way becoming, and bespoke 
 him a worthy gentleman . As a precaution I took a re- 
 ceipt for the amount, which Greely Hauniford (for such 
 was the Quaker's name) signed, and took his departure. 
 My companion said he would do himself the honor of call- 
 ing upon me at eleven o'clock in the morning, an earlier 
 hour being considered very unfashionable among military 
 men. He would then, if necessary, bear testimony to the 
 transaction. It was now twelve o'clock, and bearing me 
 company as far as the Astor House steps, he exchanged 
 civilities and took his departure, having first slipped a 
 card into my hand, upon which was inscribed in iieat let- 
 ters, ' General Fopp, 32 Pleasant-side Row.' Pleasant- 
 side Row being a mystery to me, I retired to bed think- 
 ing of my first night's adventure in our modern Babylon, 
 and awoke early in the morning to regret that delay in 
 the pursuit of my mission might cause grievous injury to 
 the nation." 
 3* 
 
58 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEH. 
 
 Again, we bridled old Battle, and proceeded slowly on, 
 the sun being intense enough to dissolve both our brains, 
 and the major cutting short the thread of his story by 
 saying we would dine with Mrs. Trotbridge, whose house 
 we ought to reach by high noon. 
 
 " However, it was neither here nor there," the major 
 resumed ; '' I knew that no military man of any distinc- 
 tion could escape the formalities and ceremonies it was 
 necessary to go through before being regulaily enstated 
 into the good graces of New York society, and so gave 
 myself up to the policy of making the best of it. I got up, 
 and after making divers inquiries of waiters found stray- 
 ing along the confused labyrinth of passages, got down 
 stairs. My first business was to search in all the morning 
 papers for the man of the lost treasure in my possession ; 
 I read them all only to be disappointed. Nor had the 
 companion of my adventure remembered to have my ar- 
 rival, with becoming comments, put in all the papers, as 
 he had pledged his honor to do, having, as he said, an un- 
 limited control over them. I carefully consulted the 
 columns of the Herald. And though I discovered in the 
 editor a love for sharpening up his battle-axe, and making 
 splinters of his fellows at least twice a week, not a gleam 
 of light was thrown upon the man whose loss I felt it in 
 my heart would be his ruin. I contemplated the wants 
 and anxieties of those who sought to make tliem known 
 therein, and smiled at the curious manner in which a 
 thousand ambitious individuals expressed their readiness 
 to supply the wants of others. I turned to the Tribune 
 But neither in tbe gravdy-spun philosophy of its editorials, 
 nor among the pearls of its advertisement columns, could 
 I find a word to relieve my anxiety'. The sages who are 
 supposed by the knowing ones to jot things down in that 
 very consistent ir.consistent journal, had likewise forgotten 
 
WHAT BEFELL THE MAJOB. 59 
 
 to mention my name ; whicli apparent neglect much die- 
 composed my mind. I was, however, somewhat relieved 
 by a friend, who informed me that it was in their true 
 spirit. One of the waiters told me with an air of great 
 wisdom, that the Tribune never took up military men ex- 
 cept to set them down with bi'nises. This waiter was a 
 gifted Irishman, and a great politician. During a sweet 
 little touch of a rebellion, or a famine (which are about 
 the same) in his country, he had read the Tribune twice a 
 day to his wife, Biddy Eegan, who expressed herself de- 
 lighted at the forked lightning style it then kept up in 
 defense of the rights of her fifty first cousins. 
 
 "Eleven o'clock arrived, but no General Fopp came. 
 Anxious to relieve myself of the treasure, I approached the 
 highly perfumed and somewhat rotuud clerk, whose bows 
 were worth at least a q^uarter eagle, and related the story of 
 my adventure to him. The jewels his shirt was bedazzled 
 with seemed to brighten, while his face radiated smiles, in 
 which it was not difficult to read that he set me down for 
 a simpleton. He took the pocket-book into his hand, and 
 saluting me by my military title, inquired how many banks 
 my companion of the adventure proposed to start in Wall 
 Street. Just then I remembered that the generous fellow 
 did propose starting ten or so; and, in addition, that he 
 pledged one half of Wall Street that, at no very distant 
 day, I would be president of these United States. 
 
 " The clerk now smilingly counted the bills, all of which 
 he pronounced, to my utter astonishment, on banks that 
 existed only in the mischievous imagination of some knight 
 of the order of vagabonds, which ruled the city, moulding 
 things to its liking, and had foitified itself in a castle of 
 brass. I stood as if transfixed to the floor. My reputa- 
 tion, my money, my hopes of a foreign mission — all were 
 gone. I expressed my regret that the man should have 
 
60 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POITER. 
 
 SO little respect for his military reputation. The clerk, 
 however, relieved me on that point, by stating that noth- 
 ing in the world was easier than to be a general in New 
 York, and that the individual who had gained a victory 
 over me was no doubt one of that particular species of 
 military heroes so numerously dispersed about all tho 
 street corners of Broadway, and who now and then find it 
 good for their health and courage to take a trip to Europe, 
 where titles command better attention. As for the Quaker, 
 Greely Hanniford, he was no doubt a major of the Gene- 
 ral's division. 
 
 " I was anxious to keep this matter as quiet as possible, 
 bearing tlie loss like a philosopher, and forming a resolution 
 in my mind never again to be taken in by a New York 
 general. I observed, however, that two bearded vaga- 
 bonds (such at least I took them for) in hats of priests, 
 came suspiciously up, for the discovery made some stir, 
 and took down all that was said. And this was, by these 
 malicious historians, (as the polite clerk informed me they 
 were,) put in all the afternoon newspapers. I now began 
 to think this was what the cunning rogne meant by say- 
 ing he would have my arrival recorded, with proper com- 
 ments ; for indeed the comments were of a character that 
 might have satisfied a major of much more renown. One 
 sagacious fellow, after reciting what he was pleased to set 
 down as my political history, and the political history of 
 all my shoemaker ancestors, at whose honest calling he 
 tipped a sneer, as is common with the learned men of our 
 very republican press, expressed his regret that so sharp 
 a politician should have been made the victim of an ordi- 
 nary sharper, but thought it quite likely we had been 
 visiting temples of the unclean together, such being the 
 favorite resorts of politicians. Another equally sagacious 
 fellow said, that the least harmless view he could take of 
 
WHAT BEFELL THE ItAJOR. 61 
 
 the matter w as, that the distinguished major had permitted 
 his political enthusiasm to carry off his discretion, and 
 had kept hours in the company of a stranger too late to 
 find an excuse with resi:ectahle people. A third said, the 
 whole affair looked very suspicious ; and for the character 
 of politicians, he hoped there was quite as much innocence 
 in the major's story as he seemed anxious to have appear 
 on its face ; hut he very much douhted if such honesty 
 was a good recommendation to one in pursuit of a foreign 
 mission. 
 
CHAPTER VII. 
 
 IN WHICH IS RELATED HOW PLEASANTLY THE MAJOR 
 TOOK HIS MISFORTUNES. 
 
 " After these cunning scribblers had exhausted their 
 ingenuity in moulding for me a character so scurvy, that 
 the man who holds up buildings at street corners could 
 not be got to pick it up, and had laid at my door charges 
 that wonld hive brought tears into the eyes of all my an- 
 cestors, they wheeled suddenly about, took back all they 
 had said, threw glory at my feet, and, to the end of doing 
 mankind a benefit, held me up as a model major. They 
 were all ready to make me any number of promises, to 
 render me any reasonable service, and to follow me to 
 battle. Had I offered them a consideration, no doubt it 
 would have been refused with splendid contempt. 
 
 " Mine host of the Astor, who was a shrewd fellow, 
 thought the character of his house damaged, and must 
 needs consult his honor, the Mayor. That high function- 
 ai-y, knowing the agility with which such heroes as Fopp 
 exercised their heels, gave out no encouragement of catch- 
 ing the i-ascal. Had it been a scamp, who by his winning 
 manners deceives inconsolable widows, seduces artless 
 damsels, and otherwise exercises his skill in the art of fas- 
 cinating females, his Honor had been after him with all 
 the courage of his police force. But as it was merely 
 taking in a stranger, the matter, his Honor thought, had 
 better be stopped, since the degree and quality of the 
 crime was so like that known as ' sharp ■practice ' in Wall 
 street, that to punish one and let another go free would 
 [621 
 
HOW THE MAJOR BORE IT. 68 
 
 only be manifesting a strange disregard of ec^ual justice. 
 And the landlord was too shrewd a fellow not to know 
 that to employ detectives, who were costly men to move, 
 ■would entail an expens^ greater than the sum lost, with- 
 out mending the damaged reputation of his house. I 
 therefore contented myself with the satisfaction of having 
 had my character restored to me by the newspapers. 
 
 " A different turn now came in my affairs, and finding 
 it was only a harmless custom of the editors to make 
 splinters of a great public man, I invited them to a sumptu- 
 ous dinner, which they set upon with an appetite equaled 
 only by that displayed by them while devouring my char- 
 acter. But, on the whole, they were a jolly set of fellows 
 • — quite as jolly as one could desire. If they entertained 
 a magnificent dislike for one another, it was to be set 
 down to a spirit of commercial rivalry, which, though it 
 might work out good in some instances, was of itself to be 
 deplored, inasmuch as it had nothing in common with that 
 generosity of soul which should rule universal among men 
 of letters. 
 
 I found the dinner a specific" antidote for a bruised char- 
 acter, for no sooner had my literary friends eaten it than 
 they were ready to outdo one another in saying good 
 things of me. One cunning fellow told his readers that 
 the election of General Harrison was entirely owing to 
 the wisdom I had distilled into the minds of the people of 
 Cape Cod. And though I never had even scented the 
 perfumery of war, another said that as a military man I 
 had no superior. Concerning my mission, they were all 
 sure no testimony they could bear would add one jot to 
 my transcendent ability for representing the nation abroad. 
 The government could not make so great a mistake as to 
 overlook me. 
 
 " Heaven having given the editors great success in their 
 
64 ADVEXTUEE3 OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 arduous business of restoring me to favor, I was received 
 at once into tlie embraces of fasliionable society. Brown, 
 who digs graves for departed sinners, and provides the 
 parties of our aristocracy with distinguished people, called 
 to inquire what evenings I was ' disengaged,' seeing that 
 he had several openings on his list, which was unusually 
 select ' this week.' He secured invitations to nothing but 
 the most refined and wealthy society — that which gave 
 receptions merely for the sake of doing honor to persons 
 so distinguished. Genin sent circulars to say that hats of 
 the latest pattern could be got cheaper and better of him 
 than any one else. Tiffany & Company, in a delicately 
 enveloped card, reminded me, (for Mrs. Potter's sake, no 
 doubt,) that their stock of jewelry was of the finest de- 
 scription. Ball & Black sent to say that swords and 
 other appurtenances necessary to a military gentleman 
 could be got of them, much superior in quality, and cheap- 
 er in price, than at any other establishment in Bi'oadway, 
 or, indeed, in the city. Stewart, I was told, had just 
 opened an invoice of India shawls, which he had ticketed 
 at twenty-five hundred dollars each. But as his motto 
 was quick sales and small profits, he was running them off 
 at two hundred dollars less. It was hinted that Mrs. Ma- 
 jor Potter better call early or they would all be gone. 
 Had Mrs. Major Potter been the sliarer of my adventure, 
 and exhibited so wanton a determination to rush her hus- 
 band into bankruptcy, as it appeared was the fashion with 
 the ladies of New Yorl^, then Mr. Major Potter had gone 
 one way and Mrs. Major Potter another." 
 
 Here the major gave his whip two or three smart cracks, 
 and bid old Battle proceed at a more rapid pace, as his ap- 
 petite caused liim to make sundry contemplations about 
 the dinner he would get at the house of Mrs. Trotbridge. 
 
 " Well, seeing that I was up and popular," said the 
 
HOW THE MAJOK BORE IV. 65. - 
 
 roajoi*, resuming his story, " Townsend piled my room 
 with circulars, saying his sarsaparilla was the only kind 
 used by politicians and military men, who invariably pro- 
 nounced it the cure for those diseases which, it is charged 
 by a Spanish writer, of great learning, are incident to 
 their professions. Brandreth sent me samples of his pills, 
 which he said were unequaled for purging politicians of 
 all those ill humors they were heirs to. And both (moved 
 by Brown, no doubt) sent me invitations to parties given 
 in honor of me at their princely mansions on the Fifth 
 Avenue. Barnum, too, considering me a remaikable 
 curiosity, sent two tickets to his great show house, which 
 the vulgar called a museum. And the Misses Wlialeboiie 
 & Gossamer sent to say that their assortment of baby 
 clothes was of the choicest description, and that they 
 would be much pleased if Mrs. Major Potter would call 
 and examine for herself 
 
 " As I was always considered a good looking man," (the 
 major, though as ugly a man as could well be found, was 
 extremely vain of his looks,) " no end of slj- looks were 
 turned upon me at parties by marriageable damsels, who 
 mistook me for a single man on the look out. As to young 
 widows, why, the tears hung as temptingly in their eyes 
 as pearls. Whetherthey werefor meor their deceased hus- 
 bands, I am not bound to say, self praise being no recom- 
 mendation. It often occurred to me, however, that mar- 
 rying a widow would be an act of charity heaven could 
 not fail to record to the credit of any good natured bache- 
 lor. 
 
 " And this, too, I will say, that nothing conld have been 
 more elegantly conducted than the parties to which I was 
 invited. Indeed, I saw no occasion for repaying hospitality 
 after the manner of those malicious writers, who take 
 pleasure in sneering at the quality of entertainment given 
 
66 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 by onr aristocracy, merely because it is composed of men 
 who have got rich by the very reijublican business of 
 sailing ships and selling eatables. Now I by no means 
 underrate the man of letters who truly represents genius, 
 or learning ; but that every dabbler in small satire should 
 dub himself a man of letters, and therefore set up for an 
 idol before whom better men must bow, or have their so- 
 cial affairs battered to pieces, is something I cannot con- 
 descend to admit. By all means, if tlie little fellows will 
 have a court, let them have one of their own, and to their 
 liking ; for they will quarrel over those ills they seem 
 born to ; and if they can quarrel without interfering with 
 the rights of others, the peace of the earth may be pre- 
 served. In fine, I would have tliemcram themselves into 
 everything great and good, and ask only that they be care- 
 ful not to weaken those pedestals upon which our repub- 
 lic is expanding itself But enougli of this. 
 
 " Having passed through fetes of unequaled splendor 
 the politicians began to put questions to me, which, in 
 many instances, it was not convenient for me to answer, 
 inasmuch as by a single word I might commit myself to 
 principles my party would not sanction. They, however 
 took me into their keeping, and so delayed my journey to 
 Washington that I began to feel that I had got among 
 friends of the wrong kind." We were now entering a 
 short curve in the road, between two hills covered with 
 chestnut trees, beneath which several lean sheep were 
 grazing, when the major's story was interrupted by the 
 shrill sound of a fishmonger's horn. 
 
CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 WHAT TOOK PLACE BETWEEN THE MAJOR AND THE FISH- 
 MONGER. 
 
 A SOFT glow enhanced the heauty of the foliage on the 
 hill side, tottering stone walls lined each side of the road, 
 and the crowing of cocks, and the lowing of cattle, to- 
 gether witli a pastoral view obtained through the scraggy 
 trees, betokened our near approach to a farm house. "Let 
 us forget politics and go in for a bit of trade with this fish- 
 monger ! " said the major, as he jerked the reins, that old 
 Battle might take heed, and quicken his pace. Another 
 blast from the fishmonger's horn, and his wagon appeared 
 in the road, approaching at a rapid pace. The fishmon- 
 ger, doubtless, thought there was no trade to be had of 
 a tin peddler, whose wares had nothing in common with 
 his own, and was about to drive by at a brisk pace, when 
 the major reined up old Battle, and half hidden in a cloud 
 of dust, cried out, in a thin, squeaking voice, " Ho ! 
 stranger, what like for fish have you ?" 
 
 " Cod, haddock and bass," replied the fishmonger, who 
 seemed as lean and well starved as his horse, which was 
 of a light sorrel color, and presented so pitiable a pack of 
 bones that no real philanthropist could have looked upon 
 him without sheddingmany tears. The two tradesmen now 
 got down from their respective wagons, and approaching 
 each other with hands extended, presented a corporeal con- 
 trast one seldom sees in the rural districts of New Eng- 
 land, inasmuch as the fishmonger stood six feet in his 
 
 [67] 
 
68 ADVENTUEES OF MA.JOK POTTER. 
 
 grain-leather boots, and was so lean of person that one 
 might easily have imagined him fed on half-tanned leather 
 and Connecticut nutmegs, while the major stood just five 
 feet two in his stockings, measured exactly twenty-seven 
 inches across the hroad disc of his trousers, and had a 
 belly equal to that of three turtle-fed aldermen rolled into 
 one. The major too, had a head very liUe a Wethersfield 
 squash stunted in the growth, with a broad, florid face, and 
 a spacious mouth, and two small eyes he could see at right 
 angles with. The fishmonger, on the other hand, was 
 hatchet faced, had a dilating jaw, and a vacant look out 
 of his eyes, which were well nig'i obscured by the bat- 
 tered hat slouched down over his parchment colored fore- 
 head. 
 
 They began at once to j raise their wares, to shake each 
 other cordially by the hand, and to exchange salutations 
 of mutual confidence. Old Battle, who had a deep fellow 
 feeling for his master, must needs imitate the affection he 
 displayed for the fishmonger, and to that end began to 
 make free with his horse, which, after sundry friendly bites 
 of the mane, and otherwise exhibiting himself in a man- 
 ner very much unbecoming a horse of such good morals, 
 reared and had done serious damage with the bones of the 
 other, but for the interposition of his master, who separated 
 them with the stock of his big whip. Peace being re- 
 stored, the animals were removed to a respectful distance, 
 and I was introduced to the fishmonger as the greatest 
 young politician ever known in that part of the country. 
 The major, it must here be recorded, otherwise this history 
 would be imperfect, was scrupulous not to admit that a 
 young politician, however brilliant his capacity, could be 
 equal to an old one. In this he differed but little from 
 many other great military politicians of my acquaintance. 
 
 As the major seemed not to have a care for any other 
 
THE- MAJOR A^■T) THE FISHMONGEK. 69 
 
 political campaign than that which elected General Harri- 
 son, it was a custom with him to inquh-e of every new 
 acquaintance how he votei in that event, before engaging 
 in a trade with him. Having put the question as a prelim- 
 inary, the fishmonger replied that he had voted as good 
 and square a " Ooon ticket " as any citizen in the town 
 where he lived, but that he received two pieces of gold 
 for so doing, and thought it no harm. 
 
 " It is how a man votes," said the majoi-, adding a nod 
 of satisfaction, " not what he gets for his vote. That's 
 his business, and except heaven, no one has a right to in- 
 terfere. Here, take these, know how much I esteem you, 
 and remember when you drink your cider out of them 
 that I am your friend." Here the major tooic two tin 
 pints from his wagon, and having patted the fishmonger 
 upon the shoulder, presented them to him, with a speech 
 very like that made by a Mayor of New York, who, having 
 dined with his board of aldermen, holds it incumbent upon 
 him to bestow praises the cunning rascals know are meant 
 for a jest. This done, the major drew forth his flask, say- 
 ing that it would be no more than good manners to chris- 
 ten the pints. The fishmonger answered that he had no 
 objection, the weather being very oppressive. A stout 
 draft was now poured into each cup, and having myself 
 declined, compliments and bows, such as the fishmonger 
 had never before received, were exchanged, and the whis- 
 key drank with great apparent satisfaction. 
 
 " As the sun is warm, and my profits to day have not 
 amounted to much," said the fishmonger, with an air of 
 stupidity that by no means pleased the major, "I must 
 huriy these ere fish tlu'ough ! " The major expected a 
 difi'erent return for his generosity, and reminded his friend 
 that he had not yet showed him a sample of his wares. 
 At the word, the other mounted his little box of a wagon, 
 
70 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 and m a trice laid three cod and two flabby haddock upon 
 tlie lid, declaring they were as fresh and bright as a new- 
 coined quarter. And though at the most rapid pace his 
 horse could travel, he was more than six hours from the 
 nearest sea-shore, he was ready to swear by the hair of 
 his head, of which he had but little, they were only two 
 hours caught. " Five cents a pound for the cod, and four 
 for the haddock ! " ejaculated the fishmonger, raising a 
 haddock by the gills, as if to assert some near point to 
 the notch it would bfing down on the steelyard. " "Well, 
 to you, hero, have the cod for four and a half; that's 
 offsettin' your good turn, and 1 make it a point never to 
 be out of the way with a fellow trader." Saying this, 
 he hung a codfish to the hook of his steelyards, and finding 
 seven pounds marked, said thirty cents would cover the 
 cost, that being a cent and a half more ofi'. Generosity, 
 the Major saw, was not bait that tempted the fishmonger to 
 reciprocity. " I should like two of them at the price you 
 name ; but as paying cash is not in my line, perhaps we 
 can trade, somehow ? By my military reputation, I never 
 let a chance to trade slip. Yes, by my buttons, I made a 
 good, thing of it when at the head of my regiment in 
 Mexico." This the major said by way of softening the 
 fishmonger's generosity ; but that honest-minded indivi- 
 dual replied in the following laconic manner : " Bin in 
 Mexaki, eh ? Darn'd if I'd like to bin there." 
 
 The major, not at all pleased with the unimpressable 
 nature of the fishmonger, said, somewhat curtly, that no 
 one cared whether he wonld or not. " However, here's 
 at you for a trade," continued the major, adding that gene- 
 rosity was th& surest road to fortune. And having bid 
 him hang another cod to his steelyards, he drew from 
 his stock a small tin strainer, with which he offered to 
 make a square exchange for the fish. " Say the word, 
 
THE MAJOR AND THE FISHMONGER. 71 
 
 and it is done ! " ejaculated the major, patting the other 
 upon the shoulder. The fishmonger shook his head, and 
 looked askant at the major, as if to say he would rather 
 be excused. The major now, out of sheer generosity, as 
 he said, and anxious, no doubt, to sustain the character of 
 military men, threw in a pint of number foiir shoe pegs, 
 which article was among his wares, and which he was 
 ready to swear by his military honor the people of Con- 
 necticut raised Shanghai chickens on. The fishmonger 
 said he did not know exactly what to do with the shoe 
 pegs ; but as a New Englander was never at a loss to find 
 a use for every thing, and not wanting to be hard with a 
 fellow trader, he would call it a bargain. They now 
 mounted their respective teams, and drove on in opposite 
 directions. 
 
 A little red house, half buried under a hill side, inter- 
 spersed with scrubby trees, and blackberry vines, now ap- 
 peared in sight. This the major described as the house 
 of his dear good fiiend, Mrs. Trotbridge, the widow of 
 three husbands, and yet so young in feeling that she was 
 in daily expectation of getting a fourth. He never failed 
 to make her a present, and partake of her good cheer while 
 passing that way. The fish would be a great treat with 
 the widow; and though the strainer and shoe-pegs, for 
 which they were exchanged, did not " stand him in " more 
 than a shilling, the fish would rise up in her eyes to the 
 worth of a jolly good dinner. 
 
 Old Battle, recognizing the house as one he was 
 accustomed to rest and feed at, qiiickened his pace, and 
 disturbing the repose of pigs, chickens, and young ducks, 
 nestling by the roadside, soon reached the garden gate. 
 Dismounting in great haste, the major bid me follow him, 
 and, leaving old Battle to take care of himself for the 
 nonce, hastened up the pathway toward the front door, for 
 
72 A-DVEXTURES OF HAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the house was separated from thu road by a narrow garden, 
 enclosed with pickets, and full of stunted shrubbery. The 
 inmates of the house were soon astir, and the major's 
 name was, one might have thought, called from every 
 window. Then the basement door suddenly opened, and 
 two little, mischievous looking Trotbridges, scampered out 
 to meet him, and so clung about his short legs, and other- 
 wise offered him proof' of the affection they bore him, as 
 almost to impede his progress. Mrs. Trotbridge, at the 
 same time, appeared in the door, three or four flaxen 
 headed little members of the Trotbridge family clinging 
 at her skirts, and shaking their chubby fingers in ecstasy. 
 Mrs. Trotbridge stood at least an head taller than the 
 major, and was in figure so lean as to give one the idea 
 that she had been pressed between two opposite points of 
 theology. Her face was worn and wrinkled ; her eyes 
 small, gray, and staring, and fortified with a pair of silver- 
 bowed spectacles, which were incessantly getting down 
 upon her long, flat nose. Her complexion, too, was the 
 color of alum tanned sheep skin. The major's arrival was 
 evidently a great event with the Trotbridge family, for 
 while the two elder boys, one about eight and the other 
 i]ine years old, ran to see which should be first to take care 
 of his horse, Mrs. Trotbiidge, saying, " Well, as I'm living, 
 if here ain't the major again," hastened down the pathway, 
 one hand under her check apron and the other extended. 
 There now took place such a series of embracings, accom- 
 panied with kisses, as one seldom sees in lovers over 
 sixteen. 
 
 The major followed speedily into the house, while the 
 two boys unharnessed, fussed over, and took care of his 
 horse, which one mounted and the other led by an halter 
 to a little dilapidated barn, such as are common to that 
 part of the country. I was next introduced, with some 
 
THE MAJOR AND THE FISHMONGER. 73 
 
 ceremony, to Mrs. Trotbridge, as the politician who had 
 gone over the country effecting such wonderful political 
 changes. After divers courtesies, the good woman put so 
 many questions to me concerning my past history and 
 future hopes, that I found it somewhat difficult to answer 
 them. Mrs. Trotbridge had no very deep love for politi- 
 cians in general, the doctor of the parish having told her 
 that they did serious damage to brandy punches. Had I 
 felt inclined, I verily believe she would have held me in 
 conversation until midnight, such was her nimbleness of 
 tongue. 
 
 The walls of the room, which was about twenty feet by 
 twelve in dimensions, were hung with small, colored pic- 
 tures, in mahogany frames ; an high shoe bench in one 
 corner, a few flag bottom chairs, a table and two small 
 workstands, and four pair of shoemaker's clamps, arranged 
 at the windows, constituted the simple but substantial fur- 
 niture. But there was over all an air of neatness about it 
 truly charming. There was a place for everything, and 
 everything was in its place. '' Must make yerselves at 
 home here," said Mrs. Trotbridge. " Things, maybe, ain't 
 as nice as yer used to havin' 'em, but poor folks must do 
 the best they can, and hope better '11 come." 
 
 And while the good woman set about lighting a fire in 
 the great open fireplace, "Major Potter got between two 
 chairs, into each of which an urchin mounted, with a broom 
 in his hand, and so belabored his jacket as to fill the room 
 with dust. " The major is always at home in this house," 
 dryly ejaculated the good woman, taking down her bellows 
 and commencing to blow the fire. 
 
 " I know how to appreciate it, Mrs. Trotbridge, and 
 
 hope nothing may come to lengthen the distance between 
 
 our friendship,"' returned the major, shrugging his great 
 
 broad shoulders, and adding that I could now go through 
 
 4 
 
7-4 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the process of dusting while he washed his face, prepara- 
 tory to listening to how times went with Mrs. Trotbridge. 
 He had previously ordered the boys to water his chickens, 
 "and now, having at his desire brought in the fish, he pre- 
 sented them to the hostess with all that pomp and dignity 
 so common with government employes, who present the 
 heads of departments with services of plate bought with 
 their own money, and which intolerable nuisance had its 
 origin among the kings and queens of the buskin. They 
 were, he slyly intimated, worth seven Massachusetts 
 shillings. The shrewd fishmonger wanted nine, but, say- 
 ing I was going to present them to a dear old friend, he 
 threw off two. No New York alderman ever received a 
 gold snuff box for abusiug his oiEce with more condescen- 
 sion than did Mrs. Trotbridge the fish so kindly presented 
 by the major. Saying he was proverbially a modest 
 man, the major begged she would forego any return of 
 thanks and accept them solely as a token of the affection 
 he bore her, and whicli he certainly would enlarge were 
 it not that Mrs. Roger Potter yet lived, and was hale and 
 hearty. The widow blushed for once, saying as she did 
 so, that there was a time when such a compliment would 
 not have been lost upon her, but now that she had got on 
 the wrong side of forty, was getting gray, and had seen 
 three dear good husbands put away in the grave, she did 
 not think it right to be "lookin' out," especially as Parson 
 Stebbins had always said, when he looked in, that woman's 
 worldly thoughts ought to end at forty. 
 
 My suspicions of the major's probity were now almost 
 confirmed, for when she offered to vouchsafe him her gene- 
 rosity, by frying a piece of the fish for dinner, he expres.sed 
 a positive preference for bacon, a good flitch of which he 
 saw in a little cupboard she opened in search of her stew 
 pan. And although he expressed it a stain upon his gal- 
 
THE MAJOR AND THE FISHJ[ONGER. 75 
 
 lanti-y to deprive lier of even an ounce, I thought the 
 quality and not his gdlanliy stood in the way. " Lord 
 bless yon, Mrs. Trotbridge," said the major, " men distin- 
 guished in ^rms never make presents to eat of them." 
 
 The good hostess replied, by saying, she might have 
 known, but it was seldom persons so distinguished came 
 that way ; and when they did, she entertained them just for 
 the honor of it. Peace, she said, reigned in her little house, 
 and she was more happy -with the thought of eating the 
 bread of honest}-, so remotely, than she would be with a 
 palace in the olive groves of Cordova the man who lec- 
 tured told about, seeing that they who live in palaces 
 must depend upon others for bread, while she could raise 
 her own. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 HOW MAJOR ROGER POTTER GOT HIS DINNER, MADE AN 
 EXCHANGE OF CHICKENS, AND TOOK LEAVE OF MRS. 
 TROTBRIDGE. 
 
 Had Major Roger Potter been as well qualified to take 
 advantage of a political necessity, as the cunning quality 
 of his gallantry in this instance fully testified, he was to 
 get the better in a matter of trade, he had never fallen 
 from so high an estate as that of defending the nation's 
 honor to that of selling tin ware and shoe pegs. 
 
 The major, saying he had an inert sympathy for the 
 humble, and that nothing had so much pleased him as to 
 do Mrs. Trotbridge service, now commenced to set her ta- 
 ble, which he did with the familiarity of a good house- 
 wife, while the anxious woman bestirred herself in pre- 
 paring dinner, expressing her doubts as she did so, that 
 her efforts would not meet our expectations. Suddenly 
 remembering that I was so great a politician, the good wo- 
 man, having made sundry inquiries concerning my wants, 
 bethought herself that I would like a book to while away 
 the time ; so, leaving her stew pan in charge of the Major, 
 who, having set the table with great exactness, was seat- 
 ed upon a small stool at the fireside, beating the doughnut 
 batter in a bowl on his lap, she proceeded to a small book- 
 rack over a window, and brought me a copy of Elder 
 Boomer's last sermons, the reading of which she was ful- 
 ly assured in her own mind would interest me. 
 
 The major interposed (wiping his portentous belly, 
 which had become disfigured with batter,) by saying that 
 [76] 
 
MRS. TKOTBHIDGE'S CHICKENS. 77 
 
 seeing the book advertised by tbe publishers (who were 
 men of truth in all matters concerning their trade) as the 
 greatest of recently published works, he got a copy for Mrs. 
 Potter, who declared it a wonderful book, and had lent it to 
 all the neighbors, who had read it until nothing would do 
 but they must get up a religious revival. Indeed, if 
 things kept on as they were going, there would soon not 
 be a sinner left in the region round about Barnstable, such 
 a change had the book worked in the pious feelings of ihe 
 good people. I seated myself beside a window that over- 
 looked the little garden, and turned over the leaves of the 
 book, affecting to be deeply interested in it, but really list- 
 ening to an interesting colloquy that was being kept up 
 between the good woman and the major, at whose side 
 several little flaxen headed urchins had crouched down, 
 and with an air of paternal regard, watched intently in 
 his face as he compounded the batter with so much force 
 and energy, that at least one half it was lost in spatters 
 over their features. And while doing this, so eager was the 
 major to ascertain tbe exact state of Mrs. Trotbridge's af- 
 fairs, that the increase of her pigs and poultry formed a prom- 
 inent feature in his inquiries. She had let her little farm 
 of thirty acres out on shares to neighbor Zack Slocum, who 
 was esteemed the best crop-getter this side of the cross- 
 roads. The peach trees, of which she had seven ranged 
 along the little picket fence round the garden, gave no 
 very strong evidence of doing much, while the cherry 
 tree over the well was touched with blight; but for all 
 that she felt that providence would in some way enable 
 her to scrape up fruit enough to get over the winter. 
 What was deficient in one part of the country was made 
 up by the plenty of another. She had recently, however, 
 felt a great drawback in the bad times consequent upon 
 the policy of the present administration. At last she had 
 
78 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 been told it was the folks la power at Wasbiiigton who. 
 had made times so hard, that the wealthy manufacturer 
 for whom she " binded" tlie shoes her boys stitched, could 
 only give two cents a pair, where formerly lie gave two 
 and a half. But the cunning fellow, who was the sharpest 
 kind of a straight Whig, said if they got their side in at 
 the next election, he would come back to old prices, with 
 cash instead of store pay. Mrs. Trotbridge hoped it might 
 be so, for the half cent was a serious loss to a family so 
 humble. But she was at a loss to account how it was that 
 if times were so hard, the manufacturer, who could not af- 
 ford to pay old prices, wanted a greater number of shoes 
 bound, and would hun-y her life out to have them done in 
 less time than it were possible to do them. 
 
 The good woman, considering herself honored by such 
 military and political greatness, spread her table with 
 fried bacon and new laid eggs, and the cold pork and 
 beans left over from yesterday, a few shavings of dried 
 beef, currant jelly of the most tempting kind, doughnuts, 
 hot and fresh out of the bacon fat, and bread made of 
 wheat raised on the two acre patch across the road, and to 
 which she added a cup of tea so delicate in flavor that it 
 would have made a Dutch grandmother return thanks to 
 the East India Company. In truth there was a snowy 
 whiteness in the table linen, and a nicety and freshness of 
 flavor in the viands one only finds at a country house iu 
 New England, and which those accustomed to the " hud- 
 gey smudgey" cooking at the great hotels of cities can- 
 not appreciate. 
 
 The good woman regretted that she could not add a 
 mug of cider, for since the temperance folks had shut up 
 the tavern kept by General Aldrich, at the village, travel- 
 ers with a taste for that article had to thirst and keep on 
 to Barnstable. "May heaven vouchsafe you plenty of 
 
MRS. TROTBRIDGE'S CHICKENS. 19 
 
 sucli good fiire," s;iid tlie major, taking his seat at the 
 head of the table, as we drew up and engaged the bacon 
 and eggs with appetites that were sharpened to the keen- 
 est edge. And so fiercely did the major gorge himself, 
 showing no respect for the last piece upon any plate, that 
 the little urchins, who had occupied seats at the table, be- 
 gan to gaze upon him with wonder and astonishment, and 
 to slink away, one after another, to relieve their pent up 
 mirth. Indeed, so formidable was the onset he made upon 
 the bacon and eggs, that I found it necessary to withdraw 
 after the first fire, lest the good hostess be compelled to 
 call her frying pan into use a second time. Having fin- 
 ished the humble but grateful meal, we proceeded, at the 
 desire of the major, to examine the pig and poultry yard. 
 Her two cows, she said, twitching her head in satisfaction, 
 had had fine thriving calves, and the old sow had a nice 
 increase of fifteen little spotted rascals, as round and 
 plump as foot-balls. As for poultry, the only kind that 
 had not done well was her turkeys. And of this there 
 was visible testimony in four dyspeptic young ones that 
 walked sleepily around two old ones, kept up a very ill- 
 natured whimpering, and in addition to being featherless 
 were quite as much bedowned as the face of a freshman. 
 The major, who had a remedy for ever-ything, set at once 
 to prescribing for their distempers, which he swore by his 
 military reputation they could be purged of by taking 
 homoepathic pills dissolved in the smallest quantity of 
 Wistar's Balsam of Wild Cherry. He had not the slightest 
 doubt but that by following up this course of medicine a 
 sufficient length of time, the ill-feathered patients would 
 be restored to a happy state of health, and become popu- 
 lar fowls at the poultry show. The medicine was as 
 harmless as need be, though extremely expensive. There 
 was a satisfaction, however, in knowing that their valua- 
 
80 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ble lives could in no way be endangered by an over 
 dose. 
 
 Expressing his entire satisfaction with the appearance 
 of Mrs. Trotbridge's poultry, the major fastened his keen 
 eyes upon six fine black feet pullets, the possession of 
 which he at once began to covet. And to that end did 
 he proceed to discourse on the value of Shanghais, inviting 
 Mrs. Trotbridge, at the same time, to take a peep at the 
 rare lot of that breed of chickens he had in the coop. 
 The good woman followed him to his wagon, where he 
 dismounted his coop, and revealed as scurvy a lot of chick- 
 ens as ej^e ever rested upon, all of which he swore by his 
 military reputation, would come to rare Shanghais, and get 
 big enough to eat off barrel-heads in less than two months. 
 Indeed, such was the wonderful account given of these 
 fowls by our hero, that the simple-minded woman would 
 have pledged her farm for no more than a pair. " La's 
 me ! do tell. Eat off barrel heads in two months! Mean 
 flour barrels, I 'spose?" ejaculated the good woman, drawl- 
 ingly, as her urchins gathered round, peering eagerly in 
 through the slats of the coop. 
 
 " Just so," returned the major; "know a chicken of this 
 breed that grew so tall, that he would follow wagons go- 
 ing to mill, and feed out of the hind end." In reply to 
 an inquiry as to how she could become the owner of a 
 pair, money being a scarce article with her just now, the 
 major said he would, in view of his anxiety to do her ser- 
 vice, let her pick two, for which he would take in ex- 
 change the six black feet pullets. For this profession of 
 his generosity, the good woman returned a thousand thanks ; 
 and the black feet were forthwith transferred to the ma- 
 jor's coop, while she took possession of what she esteemed 
 a rare prize. 
 
 Finding there was no more to be made of his generous 
 
MBS. TROTBRIDGE's CHICKENS. 81 
 
 hostess, the boys harnessed old Battle, and taking leave 
 of her with divers expressions of friendship and regret, 
 we mounted and proceeded on our journey, four urchins 
 clinging to the tail of the wagon, cheering at the top of 
 their voices until we had lost sight of the house. 
 
 4* 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 THE MAJOR EESUMES THE STORY OF HIS ADVENTURES IN 
 NEW YORK. 
 
 Mv determination not to swerve from the truth in this 
 history, may cause me to relate things of the major his 
 military friends, who are exceedingly sensitive, will set 
 down as malicious attempts to damage the profession of 
 arms. Let it he understood, then, that what charges I 
 shall bring against the major will, on inquiry, be found to 
 have their origin in an uncontrollable passion for trade 
 only. Whether it will be found that he has committed 
 acts for which he can be arraigned before a court-martial, 
 such being the fashionable process of making heroes of 
 military delinquents, must be left entirely to the reader's 
 judgment. 
 
 Having got well upon the road, the major turned to me 
 with an air of evident self-satisfaction, and addressed me 
 as follows : " If Mrs. Major Potter was out of the way, I 
 would make twain of the widow, merely for the love her 
 children bear me." Here he jerked the reins, and bade 
 old Battle, who was giving strong proof of the quality of 
 his wind, quicken his pace. " However, as it is wicked 
 to contemjilate matrimony with a wife on hand, I must 
 console myself with having cleared in the trade with her 
 and the fishmonger, at least two dollars and forty cents. 
 The chickens are not what she takes them for. There 
 can be no doubt of their coming to Shanghais, but as to 
 their eating oif barrel heads, they can do that now, only 
 set the barrel heads upon the ground. All the ill feathered 
 [82] 
 
THE ilAJOn IN NEW YORK. 83 
 
 devils in my coop are not worth a single black foot." The 
 major, like many others who affect gallantrj', rather prided 
 himself on the chivalry there was in deceiving widows 
 and getting the better of fishmongers. "We were thus 
 pursuing our journey, when the major suddenly reminded 
 me that he had been interrupted in the recital of the story 
 of his first adventure in New York, and begged I would 
 tell him the exact point where he left off. This I did, as 
 far as my memory served, out of sheer charity. He then 
 begged me not to get impatient, for he would soon get to 
 where he was the hero of several extraordinary exploits, 
 which he had performed while taking care of the nation. 
 " That's the point," said the Major, taking the cue. 
 "The story was interrupted at the point where we held 
 it fortunate detectives were not employed to go in pursuit 
 of Fopp, as they both were of one kith and kin, only that 
 they had different processes for draining purses. 
 
 " My fashionable friends, on hearing of my distress, had 
 no more attentions to bestow upon me. And as I had no 
 more dinners to give, the newspapers also let me drop 
 very q^uietly. I should not forget to mention, however, 
 that one huge fellow, who commanded the columns of a 
 very small paper, and made the importance of his position 
 a means of getting loans of his friends, said time would 
 establish the fact that I was an adventurer. I entertained 
 a hope that the good old Evening Post would have an- 
 swered this, but it never did. It was something that I 
 could console my heart with the fact, that the little paper 
 could do me no harm, since its circulation never got beyond 
 two hundred prosey old women, who admired the way the 
 cunning fellow wore his hair and discoursed upon good 
 society, though he held it a virtue never to pay a debt. 
 
 " A friend or two, as poor as myself, and who had clung 
 to me as long as a dollar remained, advised the getting up 
 
84 ADVEXTUEES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 of an affair of honor with this editor ; but, as I had always 
 chosen to be a pliilosnpher, and believing valor an article 
 better preserved with peace than war, I objected. It was 
 then suggested bv one of my friends, who was, or had 
 been a politician, (an enemy of his said he had twice been 
 driven out of Wall Street for violating its rules of morality,) 
 that the affair could be more easily settled over a cham- 
 pagne supper at Delmonico's. The best eater and drinker 
 could then demand his opponent to consider himself van- 
 quished and pay the bill, the same being accepted as a 
 sufficient apology. Upon inquiry, it was found that the 
 editor was famous in this sort of warfare, henpe it would 
 not do to engage him at odds so unequal. Telling my 
 friends then, that I would take two weeks to consider it, 
 they thought the matter might be indefinitely postponed. 
 Another friend hinted, slyly, that editors, as a general 
 thing, held character of so little worth that nothing so 
 much delighted them as to demolish it over a strongly 
 compounded punch. 
 
 " Well, with the loss of my money, I had the satisfac- 
 tion, or rather mortification, soon to know that I had 
 gained the suspicions of mine host of the Astor, who had 
 the temerity to stick his bill in the door one morning. Mj' 
 balance on hand not being equal to the amount, I shoved 
 the curious bit of paper into my pocket, and proceeded down 
 stairs, slightly inclined to saunter and contemplate the 
 matter over In the paik. But the polite host, with an eye 
 made keen by his doubts, intercepted me at the bottom of 
 the stairs, beckoned me behind the big blight counter, and 
 said I must pardon tlie request, but he would like the trifle 
 between us squai-ed. Notwithstanding his great respect 
 for poUticians in general, they so often forgot these little 
 matters as to make it a serious affair with him. The kind- 
 ness of his manner set my conscience in a tumult ; and 
 
THE MAJOR IX ^-JiW YORK. 85 
 
 tliis, added to tlie ftict tlirat he bad etitertained me in a 
 princely style, sent me into a state of great giief. One likes 
 to perform kind ofEcea to a courteous recipient. Indeed, 
 nothing would Lave so much pleased me as to discharge 
 every obligation to so excellent a landlord. I might at 
 some future day need the comforts of his house, especially 
 as several of my friends had intimated, while fortune smiled, 
 that the voice of the people might one day call me to rule 
 the nation. 
 
 " Dispensing all ceremony, I invited mine host to a 
 conference in one corner, and then and there pleaded the 
 lean condition of my purse, to which he listened with great 
 patience, and when I had done begged me to consider him 
 a friend. Once indeed he seemed on the point of shedding 
 tears of sorrow for my troubles ; but his eyes resumed 
 their usual dryness. On the following day, his sympathy 
 having no doubt run out, he informed me, with great po- 
 liteness of manner, that the demand for his lodgings was 
 more than equal to the supply. ' Perhaps,' he added, 
 'you can make it convenient to continue your journey.' 
 
 " I was in the condition of an army unable to move for 
 want of supplies. It was no difficult matter to make a 
 dozen or so of political speeches, or to make a meeting 
 split its sides with laughter, or to tear the sophistries of 
 an opponent into tatters, but to be cheated out of one's 
 money in a great city, and leave the Astor to enter the 
 Irving, or the more fashionable ' New York,^ with an 
 empty pocket, though common among New Yorkers, was 
 a feat I had not learned to achieve. 
 
 " The mischief of the matter was, that no sooner had I 
 got rid of General Fopp, than a man, whom I shall for , 
 convenience sake call the great Captain Splint-ers, made / 
 my acquaintance. This man, of whom many queer things ' 
 were said over tea-tables, by people calling themselves 
 
8G ADVEXTURES OF JtAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 the aristocracjs plumed himself on being the greatest poli- 
 tician Manhattan Island ever was blessed with. People 
 of steady habits differed in their views on this subject, 
 some asserting that the honor of the Island would sustain 
 no loss if he were made Governor of New Jersey, or Presi- 
 dent of the Camden and Amboy Railroad, in which latter 
 capacity he would have ample means of gratifying his 
 ambition for mutilating legal voters. I had heard of this 
 man through the newspapers ; he seemed, however, a much 
 smaller man than they had represented him to be. In 
 fine, he told me the newspapers had always taken great 
 pride in misrepresenting him j but he said so many good 
 things of himself, and recounted the many scrapes he had 
 been in with such evident self-satisfaction, that I began 
 to mistrust there was something in him. It was at least 
 certain that he had hung himself to the government, in 
 the very harmless belief that it could not get along without 
 him. Of his pranks, as related by himself, I had no very 
 high opinion, inasmuch as they made public virtue cut a 
 very sorry figure. He, however, requested me to bear in 
 mind the fact, that he never squared his opinions with 
 those who set so high a value upon public virtue that they 
 were for ever nursing it and weeping over it at their fire- 
 sides. 
 
 " He thought the nation extremely fortunate in pos- 
 sessing an individual capable of rendering it services so 
 varied as he was capable of. He made power his game, 
 and to the end of extending universal liberty to vagabonds, 
 he had at his command the services of no less than four 
 hundred and forty as arrant knaves as ever did blood- 
 letting at elections, or managed the rascality necessary to 
 the success of ilieir candidate. They had given up the 
 business of stealing ; and being much in need of money 
 and clean raiment, had taken to the more profitable occu- 
 
THE MAJOR IN KEW YORK. 87 
 
 pation of president-making, hoping ere long to be rewarded 
 by a grateful government with important and lucrative 
 appointments. 
 
 " This Captain Splinters, of whom so much was said, , 
 expressed great sympathy for my misfortunes, and seemed 
 to entertain a hearty horror for such fellows as Fopp. He 
 said that now, being on the road to fame, it was only ne- 
 cessary to fasten to him, when, having great power in his 
 hands, he would ensure me the nomination for next Presi- 
 dent. I got to liking him, he was so companionable. 
 We visited together many low drinking places up dark 
 alleys, wherein political mischief was very generally 
 manufactured by youths who dressed in flashy colored "v 
 garments, were lean of figure, and very noisy. Their 
 features were sharp, but undefined, and about them there 
 was air of recklessness made more striking by their long, 
 oily locks, (which were turned under iu the neck,) and 
 the strong profanity of their conversation, which invariably 
 turned either upon some pugilistic rencounter, or a question 
 of municipal or national policy. Being a popular politician, 
 it was necessary, Splinters said, that the good opinion of 
 these men be secured ; and this could be best done by 
 ordering the landlord to give them strong drinks without 
 stint. He added, that unless I did this, my political shop 
 would be closed for ever. I at first pleaded the scanty 
 condition of my purse, but it availed me nothing. The 
 dread alternative stared me in the face, and seeing that 
 they were very outspoken men, I stood their demands at 
 the bar until an empty purse put an end to my generosity. 
 
 " He, Captain Splinters, then led me by the button to 
 Stanwix Hall, which he said was the head quarters of his v 
 four hun£?eTand forty president-makers. Here the glare ' 
 of an hundred gas lights threw curious shadows over a : 
 throng of staggering and grotesque figures in toppling > 
 
88 ADVEXTUEES OF JtAJOE POTTKE. 
 
 hats, broad, brown skirted coats, witli brass buttons, and 
 bright striijed trowsers. ' These men,' said the Captain, 
 introducing them to me, with an extension of his left hand, 
 ' are made of better metal than they seem ; you must not 
 judge them by what you see on the surface. Keep but 
 their wants well supplied, and my honor for it, they will 
 take such care of the nation as no man shall g'ainsay — ' 
 
 " ' Aye ! aye ! ' interrupted a dozen husky voices, as the 
 whole number circled around the great bar, spread with a 
 barricade of decanters, ' we are good men, and strong. Let 
 the nation but call us, and we will do it such service as it 
 may need. "We are all honest men, who wait but the word 
 from our captain, ere we break the liberty that binds the 
 delusions of men calling themselves our betters.' The cap- 
 tain now leaned over the bar and whispered something in 
 the ear of the landlord, a burly man, who stood with his coat 
 off and shirt sleeves rolled up. Drinks were now quickly 
 compounded for each man, who seized his glass as the 
 Captain, who was glib of tongue, commenced a speech in 
 compliment of me. It surprised me not a little, that he 
 made me the hero of more political conquests than were 
 written down in our history since the declaration of inde- 
 pendence ; but as he vouched for the truth of every one 
 of them, with an oath to every sentence, his men received 
 them with great cheering. Indeed, they emptied their 
 ' glasses, offering to lay their services at my feet. It was 
 : curious to see how much these men, so apparently shat- 
 ; tered by strong drink, knew about the ins and outs of the 
 constitution. Albeit, for men whose education was as 
 doubtful as their means of living, (even reading and writing 
 was not in very high favor with them,) they knew a deal 
 about Congress. More than one had his pockets full of 
 letters written him by distinguished members. And it 
 seemed a custom with them, when emptying a glass, to 
 
THE MAJOK IN NEW YOKK. 89 
 
 drink the liealtb of some senator, who sent them Con- 
 gressional dociinients weekly and pi-omised to say a good 
 word ill their behalf to the President. 
 
 " Having enjoyed four rounds, the men began to ex- 
 amine the bottom of their glasses, and to cast longing 
 glances first at the landlord and then at the captain. 
 Such was the influence of the latter over them, that at a 
 word they set their glasses peaceably upon the counter 
 and subserviently retired to remote parts of the hall, 
 where they commenced to smoke strong flavored cigars. 
 A word from Splinters, it was said, and these men would 
 set upon and demolish any object of his dislike. And to 
 such an extent had their mischievous excesses been car- 
 ried, that it had cost the city no end of tears and gold, 
 for which they had no other penance to offer, than an in- 
 curable ambition to run mad in worshiping their captain. 
 
 " A touch on the elbow, and Splinters whispered that 
 the landlord's opinion of me would be raised by settling 
 the score. And to do this I reached my last dollar. 
 Having thus graciously initiated me into high favor wi(h 
 his men, the Captain kindly offered to see me safe home. 
 Taking him for so good a friend, I discovered to him the 
 state of my finances, which he said was a matter of no • 
 moment, since he would give me his note for five hundred \ 
 dollars on thirty days, which Duncan, Sherman & Co., or j 
 any banker in Wall Street, would be glad to discount, j 
 merely for the pleasure of making my acquaintance. A 
 flood of joy poured into my ears and heart at this ex- 
 pression of friendship. So we walked into the office of 
 the Astor, when Splinters, affecting an air of great confi- 
 dence, dashed off the note, and, bidding me look misfortune 
 right in the face, took his leave. But he said he would call 
 the next morning. He forgot to keep his promise, and 
 when I presented his ' I promise to pay,' at the counter 
 
90 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ; of Messrs. Duncan, Sherman & Co., flattering myself that 
 / they knew all about it, the whole counting-room of clerks 
 ' went into a titter. One set me down for a madman; 
 another directed me to the care of the commissioners of 
 the insane asylum ; and a third thought I would do to go 
 ' into business in Wall Street. Captain Splinters would, 
 no doubt, seeing that only his name was wanted, furnish 
 capital to any amount, provided always that he shared the 
 result of the circulation, they said. It was clear to me that 
 the house of Duncan, Sherman & Co. was not fast in the 
 discount line. I then looked in at Drew & Robinson's. 
 ' Thinking I had come to buy steamboats, a little, shriveled 
 up old man led the way into a dark back office, saying he 
 could give me but five minutes to make known my busi- 
 ness. Anxious to facilitate matters, I produced the note, 
 saying that he of course knew the signer by reputation, 
 and would like to discount it out of compliment to him. 
 A sight at the name, and it seemed as if he was about 
 looking the glasses out of his spectacles. Then he went 
 straight into a passion, ordering me to leave the premises 
 or he would call a policeman. Not to swerve from the 
 truth, I may say here, that I thought it very fortunate in 
 getting into the Street without being kicked there. All 
 Wall Street, it seemed to me, was in a state of anxiety. 
 Every man looked as if he were besieged by his neighbor, 
 or had had a breach made in him by some sudden revolu- 
 tion, and was in search of a physician to save his bleeding 
 bowels. Here and there I met a man looking as if he 
 had just rushed into the street to proclaim the baseness 
 and treachery of a newly discovered foe, who, with a 
 thousand anxious thoughts, had carried away the last 
 remnant of his fortune. 
 
 " I found I had been laboring under a political delusion. 
 Indeed, I felt like one in a desert without means of alle- 
 
THE MAJOR IN NEW YOEK. 91 
 
 viating Lis niiseiy, and turned to make my way out of 
 Wall Street and declare myself its eternal enemy, so un- 
 grateful was the reception it had given me. And as I 
 was proceeding through the mass of rapidly moving figures 
 that surged along the sidewalk, my eye caught the sign of 
 Van Vlete, Head, & Drexel. The name struck me as being 
 consonant with generosity, so I looked in, and was ac- 
 costed by a tall, lean man, with a dusky complexion, and 
 a face radiant of intelligence. He stood behind a massive, 
 semicircular counter, piled with bank notes and gold ; 
 and having readily engaged me in conversation, which he 
 had the facility of doing without being interrupted in his 
 business, I found him a man who could talk faster and 
 much more sensibly than any revival preacher outside of 
 Rhode Island. And to this he added the rare quality of 
 being courteous, which was remarkable in a Wall Street 
 dealer in money. Having discovered my business, he 
 smiled and shook his head, evidently at what he was 
 pleased to consider my freshness. 
 
 " The captain's paper, he said, might be set down as 
 floating security, the value of which was so prospective, 
 depending as it did upon his future good behavior as well 
 as the fortunes of his party, that he did not feel inclined 
 to purchase any very large amount of it. Howevei', as he 
 liked to be considered as a man of good parts, and as I had 
 a prospect of getting a foreign mission, he would advance 
 ten dollars on the five hundred, taking the risk of such 
 change as years might produce in the fortunes of the great 
 captain, which even the moon seemed to favor. Having 
 declined this generous oifer, we parted excellent friends." 
 
 A cloud of dust rose up in the road about half a mile 
 ahead, which, together with the barking of a dog, and the 
 "bellowing" of a loud voice, announced the approach of 
 a drover, and interrupted the major's story. 
 
CHAPTER XI. 
 
 IN WHICH MAJOR POTTER EXCOUNTEES A SWINE DRIVER, 
 AND TRADES WITH HIM FOR AN INTELLIGENT PIG. 
 
 A VOICE crying " Schew, ho ! schew, bo !" broke louder 
 and louder upon the ear, until, beneath a cloud of dust, 
 there appeared the snouts of some twenty lean swine, 
 scenting the road from side to side, as if in search of food. 
 They were followed at a short distance by a tall, square 
 shouldered man, dressed in the homespun of the country. 
 He carried a pair of steelyards over his shoulder, and was 
 accompanied by his dog, a sharp eyed sagacious animal, 
 that every few minutes coursed into the bushes by the 
 roadside, and kept the swine in proper marching order. 
 
 The major was thrown into ecstasies at what he deemed 
 an auspicious opportunity for another trade, and began to 
 count his profits ere he had come up with the swine 
 driver. A few minutes more, and the swine driver cried 
 out at the top of a voice that seemed to have come 
 through a tin trumpet, so grating was it, " If you kill my 
 shoats, neighbor peddler, them tin traps of thine shall suf- 
 fer as will not be good." The major now reined up 
 old Battle, and throwing down the reins, dismounted, and 
 began parleying with the swine driver as to the value of 
 his drove. " It is cruel of you," said the major, " to be 
 driving such lanterns to market. From thy looks, I had 
 thought thee a better man. But, as I have a fancy for 
 trade,_if thou wilt put them at a figure low enough, and 
 t.ike my tinwares for pay, we may come to a trade that 
 will profit us both." 
 
 " To the devil with your tinware ; and if you cannot get 
 [92] 
 
THE MAJOR ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER. 93 
 
 it there fast enough by any other process, mount a South 
 Carolina ass ! for it occurs to me you would look well 
 mounted upon such an animal ! " This somewhat uncourte- 
 ous retort disarmed the major, who stood for a time not know- 
 ing what to say in reply. In truth, he was overawed by the 
 sternness of the swine driver's manner, and the terseness of 
 the monosyllables with which lie answered questions that 
 were subsequently put to liim. He had a face, too, that 
 wore an expression grave enough for a Scotch metaphy- 
 sician, and was long enougli and heavy enough for a Pe- 
 nobscot Indian ; and to which was attached a nose very 
 like a bill-hook iu shape. " Honest swine driver," ejacu- 
 lated the major, "being versed in the mysteries of human 
 nature, and never judging men by their occupations, I 
 took you for a gentleman ; and as such, I am certain, had 
 you but known the high quality of my reputation, you 
 would not have insulted me." 
 
 " That all may be," interjaculated he of the weary face. 
 
 " You have, p'raps, heard of Major Roger Sherman Pot- 
 ter? That's my name,'' resumed the major, a smile of confi- 
 dence lighting up his features, as he extended his right 
 hand, and patted the swine driver good natnredly upon the 
 shoulder with his left. " I bear no man malice, am known 
 over the country as Major Potter, the honest in trade and 
 strong in politics." 
 
 "I have myself had something to do with politics," 
 moodily muttered the swine driver, relieving his shoulder 
 of the steelyards. 
 
 And while this colloquy was proceeding, the herd nestled 
 down upon the ground to rest. One, more sagacious than 
 his fellows, made a companion of the dog, at whose side 
 he stretched himself, and laid his head upon his shoulder 
 with an air of kindness and affection quite uncommon to 
 his species. '■ That pig," spoke the swine driver, " seems a 
 
9-i ADVEXTURES OF MAJOR ROTTER. 
 
 more cunning brute than our New York politicians, for 
 he makes friends with his enemy, and by that means 
 secures his pence, if not his services. He has conciliated 
 the good that is in the dog, and now the dog is his firm 
 friend. He will let that pig have the better half of his 
 meal, while he would not permit another to come within 
 barking distance of his trough." Here the swine driver 
 entered upon a history of this sagacious animal, which it 
 will be necessary to preserve for a future chapter in this 
 history. It may, however, be well here to say, as well 
 ; for the benefit of the reader as for the instruction of man- 
 i kind in general, that Telix Shulbert (for such was the 
 ] swine driver's name) bought him of Father Fenshew, a 
 , poor priest of great learning, who had so cultivated the 
 pig's understanding, that he could give his approval or 
 dissent to the canons of the church quite as well as some 
 popular members of the ecclesiastical councils of which 
 , the reverend and very learned Father was an ornament. 
 ', As to politics, he knew a great deal more of them, not- 
 withstanding he mixed less with those who made them a 
 profession. 
 
 " Now, tell us, honest man, what through life has be- 
 fallen thee to produce this sadness ?" inquired the face- 
 tious major, adding, that he saw the tale of his trouble 
 written in his face. 
 
 The swine driver replied, that disappointment, and the 
 malice of enemies, and the false reports of evil minded 
 damsels, had reduced him to poverty, and poverty had 
 forced him into the trade of swine selling, which he fol- 
 lowed in the hope of getting a living that would be accept- 
 able to heaven. An air of deeper sadness now over- 
 shadowed his countenance, and raising the coarse straw 
 hat from his head, he wiped the sweat from his safron- 
 colored brow, and heaved a sigh. The major having 
 
THE MAJOR ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER. 95 
 
 introduced me to the herdsman as the greatest politician 
 Cape Cod had ever given the world, drew forth his 
 never failing flask, which he said contained a panacea for 
 all ills of the mind, and enjoined him to partake. The 
 man exhibited no timidity in accepting the invitation, for 
 having taken two or three swallows, he smacked his lips 
 in approval, and said, he already felt it mel'ovving his tem- 
 per. He then searched in his wallet, and finding some 
 crusts and a ham bone, threw them to his dog, who gene- 
 rously shared them with his companion, the pig. This 
 done, we took seats by the roadside, while the drover be- 
 gan, in brief, to recount his troubles. 
 
 Educated for a divine, he took orders, and for a series 
 of years preached with much success to his congregation 
 and honor to himself. At length an evil day came, and 
 with it a spirit of malice that leveled its shafts at his bachel- 
 orhood, crept into his church. Unfortunately he had de- 
 clared his determination not to marry in the presence of 
 several venerable matrimony-mongers, and the result was, 
 that so many slanders were got up against him, that his 
 church became a bed of thorns continually pricking him. 
 " My heart, which heaven can bear witness, is tender 
 enough, became overburdened with grief," said he, his 
 eyes filling with tears, as he wiped the sweat from his 
 sun-burned brow, "for it seemed as if the whole church 
 had turned its back upon me, and so many were the 
 plans laid to effect my downfall, by those who should 
 have held me up, that even the mantle of St. Peter could 
 not have saved me. Thus, it was said that I had made 
 too free with my housekeeper, who, in some things, was a 
 good enough woman, but (and it was well known to the 
 parish), little could be sard fur her virtue. Heaven knows 
 I had never in my whole life permitted an evil thought 
 concerning her to invade my mind ; {|,nd yet she was got 
 
96 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTHER. 
 
 to bring against me a charge so grave that we will pass it 
 over without a name. Your must, however, remember 
 that this was the work of my enemies, whom heaven for- 
 give, as I freely forgive them, such being the glory of 
 charity, which is the truest religion. Indeed, sir, it was 
 said that I did this woman gricTOUs harm, and the 
 parish rose up in her defence, and, what is more, set her 
 up as a model of injured innocence. I could only protest 
 my innocence, and pray what chance is there for inno- 
 cence against the voice of calumny ? 
 
 " Then this was the penalty of your bachelorhood ? 
 I You should remember, brother, that so good a chance to 
 ' become a father as that which is offered to the pastor of 
 a flourishing congregation should never be lost ; and he 
 who fails to embrace it, evinces a want of wisdom the 
 clergy would do well never to betray," said the major, 
 ' begging that his newly made friend would proceed with 
 his story. " As I never disdain friendship, (hoping the 
 rudeness of my remarks at our meeting may find pardon 
 in my sorrow,) I will give a respite to my tongue by 
 quenching my thirst with another sup of the contents of 
 that flask, for it gives me much relief in body as well as in 
 mind. The major was only too glad to grant his request; 
 and having passed him the flask, he said, as the other 
 raised it to his mouth, he hoped it would transfer the hid- 
 den secrets of his heart to the light of day, since nothing 
 pleased him more than a recital of the sorrows of tho 
 forlorn ambitious. And here he of the swine, and he of 
 the tin traps, continued to converse most strangely, the 
 latter sympathizing with every new sorrow, of which the 
 former seemed to have a never ending supply. " Beino' 
 in a remote village of Pennsylvania," resumed he of the 
 sorrows, "and having neither trade nor friends, I thought 
 to get my living by teaching school; but the shafts of 
 
THE MAJOR ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER. 97 
 
 scandal followed me, and the honest and simple-minded 
 villagers thought it wise not to have their children taught 
 by one who had attempted the virtue of an innocent. I 
 saw nothing but to take to politics, which I did much 
 against my sense of self respect, it being a profession re- 
 quiring those who followed it to live a vagabond life, as 
 well as to become the associate of vagabonds and mis- 
 chief making priests. I took a strong part in a presiden- 
 tial campaign" (" Jist like me," interrupted the major), 
 and beicg on the successful side, as wise men always are, 
 I went to Washington in the hope that my services would 
 be rewarded by a grateful government. But in this there 
 was a mistake, for the government seemed to have forgot- 
 ten every thing but the slanders agaipst my character ; 
 and though the hussy whose oath had sealed my doom 
 was removed to Washington, where she was atoning for 
 her outraged virtue by practicing the arts of the fair but 
 frail, it neither lessened the sting of my misfortunes, nor 
 restored me my character. She had sworn falsely, when 
 her morals were no better than they should be. She now 
 offered to do me justice by swearing to the truth ; but so 
 public had become the character she bore, that though she 
 might swear to the truth of her own falsehood a thousand 
 times, no one would believe her. It was curious to see the 
 anomaly of my position ; for while I could have poured out 
 a flood of lamentations at the want of virtue in Congress, no 
 one valued my own of sufficient weight to be recommended 
 for an office. Congress, that had no virtue, or if it had, 
 its quality was too hard for use, was for ever standing in 
 admiration of its beauty and whiteness, as a member or 
 two since expelled had been pleased to call it, and. was 
 as scrupulous of having it called in question as a coy 
 damsel. I who had virtues, was cast out because the 
 color of it, as seen through the spectacles of my enemies, 
 5 
 
98 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 was not as white as alabaster. Ah, I have wiped the 
 sweat from my fevered brow, and thought what a. wrong- 
 headed world Ave had — many a time ! Every man has a 
 history worth relating, or he must be a poor being in the 
 measure of his kind; but I am afraid mine is becoming 
 barren of entertainment." 
 
 I had myself become interested in the swine driver's 
 melancholy, and joining with the major, begged he would 
 proceed with his story. " I took my misfortunes like a 
 philosopher, knowing full well that heaven would grant 
 me mercy in time of need. I had nearly spent, in Wash- 
 ington, the last dollar paid me for lecturing during the 
 campaign, when the jade who had caused all my troubles, 
 hearing of my poverty, came to me, fell upon her knees, 
 implored my forgiveness, and offered to share with me the 
 fruits of her infamy. I freely forgave her ; nor could I 
 forbear to shed a tear at the honesty of her repentance. 
 But her gold I bid her give, as had been a custom with 
 her, to her friends, in places so high that the source of 
 their wealth remained a mystery no man dare probe. Tel- 
 ling her I had rather join the brigands in the hills of Lom- 
 bardy than accept her gold, I at once turned my energies 
 to writing speeches for members of Congress incapable of 
 writing their own, and correcting the dictum of those made 
 by men whose time was too much taken up at the 
 gambling crib and drinking saloon. And for this labor, 
 so easily performed when one possessed the ability, I was 
 to receive five dollars a column, of the Globe. Small as 
 was this allowance, I found great difficulty in collecting it, 
 since members too honest to sell votes generally wrote 
 their own speeches, and those who lacked that little virtue 
 had so many speculations on hand as to render it quite im- 
 possible for them to find time to pay their speech writers. 
 However, between giving Latin lessons to two or three of 
 
THJT MAJOR ENCOUNTERS A SWINE DRIVER. 99 
 
 the New York delegation and this speech writing, and 
 teaching the rudiments of grammar to an Arkansas mem- 
 ber, whose custom it was to make a speech every day, I 
 scraped a few dollars to the good, and retiring to my na- 
 tive village entered upon the business of swine driving, in 
 which calling, thank God, I have at least had an opportu- 
 nity to be honest. In truth, brother tin peddler, (I call 
 thee brother, since I find so good a friend in thee,) it seems 
 to me a man may prepare for heaven and find no obstacles 
 in so honest a trade. I have now followed it for seven 
 long years." Here the major took his hand, earnestly, 
 and swore that he was ready to serve him with his life, so 
 deeply had his story affected him. 
 
 " It was but yesterday," resumed the swine driver, 
 " that a tin peddler of New Haven, who vends his wares 
 over this part of the country, and though a great rogue, 
 makes people believe him honest by asserting that he is a 
 graduate of Yale, passed me on the road and killed three 
 of my swine, causing me a loss of some eight dollars, for 
 I sell them at three cents a pound, by my steelyards ; and 
 when I demanded him to make good the damage he jeered 
 and drove on. And to make the matter worse, the cunning 
 rogue has tricked the simple minded people into the be- 
 lief that he is a man of great wisdom, which was no hard 
 matter, seeing that he threw into all his sayings a large 
 amount of Greek and Latin it would have puzzled the 
 devil himself to translate. This, my brother, accounts fur 
 the rudeness of my greeting, and for it I now ask to be 
 forgiven. Having lost my shoats in the manner I have re- 
 lated, I sat down and swore eternal enmity to all of the 
 trade!" 
 
 The swine driver thus ended the recital of his grievances, 
 when the major, holding it his duty to set the fallen upon 
 their legs, divided his pine apple cheese and crackers 
 
100 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 among us, and commenced advising liim in the following 
 style : "I see, brother drover," saidhe, " what a grief having 
 fallen from thy high estate in the church, is to thee. Take 
 then my advice Keep thy ambition within proper bounds 
 until thou hast got bread enough to live in peace for the 
 space of one year. Then return penitent to thy native 
 village, say thou art wearied of swine driving, and hast 
 resolved to live an honest man until death calls thee away. 
 Get this idea well into the heads of the villagers, then 
 come boldly out and declare thyself to have sinned beyond 
 measure, and to have been so great a reprobate that the 
 world had not another like thee. Publish neither cards, 
 nor pamphlets, nor books, in defence of thy character, and 
 above all, do thou be careful not to purloin the coat and 
 breeches of thy companion, nor go uninvited to balls, for, 
 though it be the custom of unfortunate parsons who take 
 to literature at this day, it will lower thee in the sight of 
 heaven. But say, that having qualified in sin, and resolv- 
 ed to seek forgiveness, thou art come to lay thy implorings 
 at the church door. Change, in the meantime, thy opinions 
 of matrimony, and be careful to state, within hearing of 
 certain unmarried damsels the corners of whose ages it 
 will not do to multiply by ten, how it is become a firm be- 
 lief with thee that matrimony will increase the measure 
 of thy joys. And when the moment it will do for thee to 
 move in this thing has arrived, do thou show thyself a man 
 of sympathy by joining fortunes with a damsel who has 
 lived hoping, until she has turned the brown corner of 
 forty. Having thus paved the way by being converted to 
 matrimony, and confessing crimes that would have crushed 
 a dozen men of better metal than thyself, thou wilt here- 
 stored to thy church, and live like one comforted by the 
 exalted opinions of the villagers." 
 
 It was evident that the major spoke thus stiltedly with 
 
THE MAJOR EXCOUXTERS A SWINE DRIVER. 101 
 
 a design upon the swine driver's intelligent pig, which still 
 manifested its affection for the dog, beside whom it had 
 gone to sleep. The swine driver promised he would take 
 the first opportunity of profiting by such excellent ad- 
 vice. To confess the truth, he had looked forward to 
 the day when he would return to his church as that 
 which was to restore him to happiness. 
 
 The major called upon me to hear testimony to the 
 friendship they swore to each other, and strengthened over 
 a sup from the flask. " Now, as I have made thee a hap- 
 pier man than I found thee, perhaps you would grant me 
 a reciuest ? " 
 
 " You have but to make it," replied the swine driver? 
 his countenance lighting up for the first time. " My wife, 
 Polly Potter, is as fond of pigs as the women of Spain, 
 and our aristocratic damsels who affect, to imitate them, are 
 of poodles. She is never without one, which she nurses 
 v^ith great care. She is now in great tribulation, having 
 lost her last by a croup, which baffled the skill of the most 
 eminent physicians. And so deep was her sympathy for 
 it, that she had it buried in a corner of the garden, with 
 a rose-bush planted to its memory." This so excited the 
 swine driver's pity, that I verily thought he was about to 
 make the major a present of his whole herd, as a means 
 of consoling his disconsolate wife. As soon, however, as 
 the major disclosed to him his desire to purchase only the 
 gifted pig, affairs assumed a different complexion. The 
 swine driver declared he would not part with Duncan 
 (such was the gifted pig's name,) for his life, seeing that 
 he was guide pig, and could so prognosticate storms as to 
 entirely dispense with the use of a barometer. A few 
 more appeals on behalf of the inconsolable woman, how- 
 ever, and the swine driver agreed to part with Duncan, 
 upon condition that he be kept as one of the family until 
 
102 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 he returned tbat way, receiving care according to his gifts. 
 The major pledged his military reputation tliat not a bristle 
 on his back should be disturbed, and also that he should 
 receive such attention from the family as would make his 
 domestic happiness complete. And as a pledge of his 
 faith, he proceeded to present the swine driver with three 
 nutmeg graters, two strainers, and a sheepskin, the wool 
 of which he swore was worth not less than two dollars. 
 
 The swine driver received these presents with much con- 
 descension, but said it was necessary they agree that the 
 pig be weighed, as that would be a means of ascertaining 
 hoAV he fared during his stay with the lonely woman. This 
 point being settled satisfactorily, the pig answered to his 
 name, and ran to his master with the docility of a spaniel. 
 And now, amidst the loudest of squeals his lungs were ca- 
 pable of, his hind legs were secured and his bodj"^ hung 
 suspended by the steelyards, the dog in the meantime 
 keeping up a loud barking, and threatening to make rib- 
 bons of the major's coat-tails for taking such improper 
 liberties with his friend. " Eighty-four pounds, exactly," 
 muttered the drover, counting the notches upon his steel- 
 yards as the major bagged his pet, who continued to give 
 out so many squeals of distress that the sagacious dog seized 
 the major by the broad disc of his pantaloons, and so rent 
 them that he swore none but his wife, Polly Potter, had 
 ever seen him in such a plight. Nevertheless, he placed 
 the pig safely upon his wagon, and having mended the 
 breach in his dignity with a few pins, proceeded on his 
 journey, in what he considered a good condition. " Tq be 
 torn to pieces by a blasted dog ! He didn't know me, 
 though, poor brute," muttered the major, rubbing the in- 
 jured parts with his left hand, and tossing his head in cau- 
 tion of what might be expected another time. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOB POTTER ARRIVED IN BARN- 
 STABLE, AND SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT 
 WHICH THIS HISTORY WOULD NOT BE PERFECT. 
 
 It was quite dark when we entered the town of Barn- 
 stable, making as mlich noise as if the devil had broken 
 loose and come to carry oflf the inhabitants, who were a 
 timid people, but sharp enough to cut the best side of a 
 trade. The bright blue waters skirting the town seemed 
 reflecting ten thousand curious shadows, while several tall 
 steeples of churches, (showing that the people had theology 
 without stint, and to their liking,) loomed out through a 
 gray mist that tipped the clouds with a pale fringe. And 
 the clean green shutters of the bright white houses, and 
 the neatly arranged gardens, with their picket fences, 
 ranging along both sides of the street, and the flowers that 
 were giving out their perfumes to the night breeze, vcere 
 all blending in a panorama of exquisite softness. 
 
 The major plumed himself not a little on his popularity 
 with the town's people, who made his departures and ar- 
 rivals no common events. Nor was his admiration of him- 
 self one whit less than that so common with some others 
 I have in view at this moment, and who follow the pro- 
 fession of arms. 
 
 And now, news of his approach having got spread 
 abroad, he had scarcely entered the outskirts of the town 
 when little Barnstable, hatless and shoeless, came running 
 
 [103] 
 
104 ADVEXTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to meet him, cheering, clambering upon his wagon, and 
 making such other demonstrations of welcome as satisfied 
 the major that the town had waited his return with no 
 little anxiety, though it annoyed old Battle exceedingly, 
 for he had great difficulty in drawing the load over the sand. 
 Seeing the distress the animal was in, two mischievous urch- 
 ins fell upon him, seized him by the halter, and, after throw- 
 ing it over their shoulders, were joined by some two dozen 
 more, who ran ahead dragging him by the mouth, while 
 three others plied his belly with switches. The major, in 
 the meantime, continued to contemplate the fortune there 
 was in a pig so learned, and who was now mingling his 
 loudest squeals with the cheers and bravos of the urchins, 
 until the very welkin rang with their echoes. AYe pro- 
 ceeded according to old Battle's slow pace to what I shall 
 for convenience sake call the Independent Temperance 
 Hotel, the guests of which were so alarmed at the strange 
 noises in the streets that they came running out to ascer- 
 tain the cause. 
 
 " Well, I'm back again, you see ! and as for the rest, you 
 may find that out !" exclaimed the major, cracking his 
 whip, and declaring he would give the urchins three 
 stripes apiece unless they ceased teasing old Battle, whom 
 he now reined up in front of a large portico that opened into 
 a spacious hall of the hotel. The bystanders, among 
 whom there was a lawyer or two, as well as another spe- 
 cies of hanger-on about a country tavern, sent up three 
 loud and long cheers, which brought the major's friends 
 in a crowd about the door. The major raised his hat, 
 acknowledged the compliment with his tisual grace, and 
 dismounted over the wheel, displaying as he did so, the 
 pins that had served to protect his dignity. But of this he 
 was unconscious, and bidding me follow, he waddled into 
 the house, an expression of gladness lighting up his broad 
 
THE MAJOR IN BABNSTABLE. 105 
 
 red face, and saluting his friends, not one of whom said a 
 word touching the condition of > his garments. 
 
 " Major 1 is it you ] Well, there ain't nobody more 
 welcome in this hotel ! " exclaimed a small, frisky figure, 
 rushing through the crowd, and seizing him earnestly by 
 the hand. 
 
 " Me 1" replied the major, returtung his salutation with 
 equal warmth of manner, " Well, I reckon it is ! you think 
 of me in my absence, I see, colonel. Well, there is no 
 roof Major Roger Sherman Potter feels so much at ease 
 under as this." Here the landlord, whose name was Zach 
 Aldrich, to which was added the title of Colonel, as a 
 mark of distinction, for having commanded with great 
 gallantry the Barnstable Invincibles. The host was fond 
 of a joke, and after giving his guest a cordial welcome, 
 bid him hasten into the parlor, where the hostess, who 
 had long held him in great esteem, was rubbing her palms 
 to see him. Impatient to pay his respects to so good a 
 lady, he trudged up the hall, and turning to the right, en- 
 tered the parlor, in which were seated some seven females, 
 to the great delight of numerous bystanders, whom the 
 major congratulated himself were laughing for joy at his re- 
 turn. He had scarcely disappeared, however, when a loud 
 shriek was heard, and one after another the females came 
 scampering out of the room, so sorry a figure did he cut. 
 " Zounds, me," exclaimed the major, " what can have 
 come over the witches?" and he followed them into the 
 hall, surprised and astonished, while the compact little 
 figure of mine host was seen almost splitting his sides 
 with laughter. Indeed, I venture to say without fear of 
 contradiction, that never did military hero cut so extrav- 
 agant a figure before females ; and as he had that scrupu- 
 lous regard for their good opinion, so common with his 
 brethren in arms, so was he only saved from swooning by 
 5* 
 
106 ADVEXTUEES OF JIAJOK POTTER. 
 
 the aid of a little whiskey and water. This, however, 
 was not applied until the cause of the alarm was discov- 
 ered. " Upon my life, Colonel," said the major, as the host 
 aided him in securing his garments with a, few pins, " I 
 never was known to offer a discourtesy to ladies through 
 the whole course of my eventful life. No, I wouldn't, by 
 my military reputation, I wouldn't have had such a thing 
 occur to me, especially as my friend here is the most dis- 
 tinguished politician in this part of the country." I could 
 not restrain a blush at this naive remark, and begging 
 that he would reserve his compliments for one more wor- 
 thy of them, he continued by pleading with the host, and 
 enjoining him to say to the ladies, that never in his life 
 had he met with so serious an accident, and as it was wo- 
 man's nature to be gentle and forgiving, he hoped they 
 would forgive him this once, "and I shall not be so rude 
 and ungrateful as to soon forget their generosity," he con- 
 cluded. Having mended his garments thus summarily, 
 mine host led the way into the bar room, in one corner of 
 which was a square, mahogany counter, upon which stood 
 a tin drain containing a jug of water, and several empty 
 tumblers. An open stove stood opposite the counter ; and 
 in it were massive dog-irons in brass, highly polished. A 
 square Connecticut clock ticked on a little shelf between 
 two front windows ; and suspended upon the walls were 
 pictures of horses and bulls that had won prizes at the 
 Worcester Cattle Show. Certain parts of the bar room 
 were much distained with tobacco juice ; while beneath 
 the stove grate there lay a heap of cigar ends, and other 
 soft projectiles common to such taverns. And these witli 
 a bench and a few reed bottomed chairs, made up the fur- 
 niture. 
 
 In one of these chairs, a lean and somewhat shabbily 
 clad man sat, his feet upon the rounds, his body thrown 
 
THE MAJOR IN BARNSTABLE. 107 
 
 back against the wall, his face half buried iu a slouch hat, 
 and apparently dozing, but really keeping a watchful eye 
 upon every movement in the room. The landlord, whose 
 round face was lit up with a mischievous laugh, said he 
 would bet his new frock coat, which had brass buttons and 
 a velvet collar, and his white trowsers, and even his ruffle 
 shirt, that the major had made a successful trip, and would 
 do the generous without more ado. The bystanders said 
 it would be only right that a person who had witnessed so 
 many proofs of his own popularity as the major had done 
 should pay the forfeit he had incurred by calling on such 
 good beverages as the host was celebrated for affording his 
 guests. Ihe major placed the fore finger of his right hand 
 to his lip, cast a look of inquiry at the bystanders, and 
 then said he knew it would be no easy matter to apolo- 
 gize to ladies for so singular a transgression, but how his 
 treating could extenuate an insult offered to another party, 
 he could not exactly see. " By my word as a man of 
 standing, I have spent much sweat and labor in getting 
 the little Fortune has favored me with, and it seems tome 
 that he who needs it most had better quench his thirst 
 with what remains in his own pocket ! " spoke the major, 
 giving his head a toss, and edging aside from his impor- 
 tuners. 
 
 The landlord replied, that as the major had brought 
 him a distinguished guest, he should claim the right to do 
 the hospitalities of his own house, and this he held the 
 more incumbent, as the major was returned from so long 
 an absence. But in obedience to the spirit of temperance 
 that ruled in the village, and was so rigid in its exactions, 
 that it kept Captain Jack Laythe, the man who dozed in 
 the chair, a spy over his counter, he could give them noth- 
 ing but cider and mead. Indeed the whole town had 
 gone into such exceedingly steady habits, that if an old 
 
108 ADVEXTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 friend chanced that way, and took it into his head that a 
 drop of heavy would do him no harm, he was forced to 
 wink him down into the cellar, and relieve his wants in a 
 little out of the way place, for oven the smell of whiskey 
 upon the tumblers was set down as proof of guilt suffici- 
 ent to call a town meeting. 
 
 They had scarcely drank the cider set before them by 
 the landlord, when the man in the chair began to exhibit 
 signs of motion. Then getting up from his seat, his sharp 
 sallow visage assumed a look of revenge ; and approach- 
 ing the counter, he began scenting the tumblers. " Cap- 
 tain Jack Laythe ! " said the major, casting upon the man 
 a look of hate, " you might find a better business than 
 scenting tumblers for temperance folks. You're a pretty 
 Christian, surrendering yourself to such meanness ! " It 
 was evident that the major's choler was raised, and that 
 he rather courted a set-to with the spy, who had no great 
 admiration for heroes of any kind. Indeed, the major 
 declared that if such a thing had happened when he was 
 ■with his regim«nt in Mexico, his sword had not long re- 
 mained in its sheath. 
 
 " This man," rejoined the spy, with a nasal drawl, '• is 
 a burning torch to the town, which he keeps in a perpet- 
 ual uproar. The devil never thought of half the evil lie 
 has inflicted upon certain of the townspeople, for he 
 serves them with his poison, and they go about as if they 
 ■were dead. Time and again has he been commanded to 
 surrender his traffic of misery, on penalty of bein°' ridden 
 into the river ; but he has neither fear of the devil, nor 
 respect for the laws ; and though every pulpit in the land 
 should preach against him, they cannot put him to shame." 
 The host, who was itching to have revenge of the spy, 
 hurled a lemon sqiieezer at his head, which took him be- 
 tween the two eyes, and caused him to retreat into the 
 
THE JIAJOK IX BAEXSTABLE. 109 
 
 street, amidst the cheering and jeering of the bystanders. 
 The major, too, applied his boot in right good earnest to 
 the retreating gentleman's rear, and asserted his courage 
 by making threats in the door, while the other, having re- 
 gained his sight, stood challenging him to come out into 
 the street, and take it like a man. The major called upon 
 the bj'standers to bear witness that he had courage 
 enough to tackle a dozen or more of such spies, only he 
 would rather not soil his hands just now. Nor was there 
 any honor in fighting such people, which was a chief point 
 in such game. 
 
 The landlord now reminded the major that the town es- 
 teemed him too highly to have him compromise himself 
 by holding a parley with such a fellow, who was no other 
 than an old Pawtucket stage driver, who having tempered 
 his throat with brandy until it had dried up his wits, saw 
 fit to reform, and had become the most implacable enemy 
 of all who enjoyed what he had abused. , 
 
 The spy seeing the landlord about to set on his big dog, 
 took to his heels, muttering in a low and plaintive tone, 
 and threatening to report his grievances to Parson Bang- 
 shanter, and Squire Clapp, two leading members of the 
 temperance league, and who, in respect to good morals, 
 had taken the sale of liquor into their own hands, and 
 were making a good thing of it. The major now remem- 
 bered that his wife, Polly Potter, would get the news and 
 be impatient to welcome him, and so bidding the host and 
 his company good night, and assuring me that he would 
 ring the town out to pay me proper respect in the morning, 
 he took his way liome, meeting with so serious an accident 
 as liad well nigh cost him his lift;, the particulars of which 
 1 must reserve for another chapter. 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF TWO STBIXGE CHARACTERS I MET 
 AT THE INDEPENDENT TEMPERANCE HOTEL. 
 
 Havixg got rid of the major, I desired to change my 
 clothing hefore supper, and was shown to a snug little 
 room up stairs hy a damsel of such exquisite beauty and 
 bashfulness, that my whole soul seemed melting within 
 me, so quickly did her charms enslave me. In answer to 
 a question that hung trembling upon my lips, and which 
 I had only power to put in broken accents, for she passed 
 me the candle, and as she did so, I touched her hand, and 
 saw her bosom heave gently, and her eyes fill with liquid 
 light, out of which came the language of love, she said, 
 with a smile and a lisp, that they called her Bessie. Na- 
 ture had been all bountiful in bestowing her gifts, for 
 surely, thought I, the nation can boast of no prettier 
 Bessie. I thought of the garden of Eden, of the palm 
 groves of Campania, of every rural beauty that -just then 
 beguiled my fancies. But in neither of them did there 
 seem happiness for me without Bessie for the idol of my 
 worship. I had, indeed, touched the hidden spring of her 
 sympathy, and as it gushed forth in unison with my own, 
 1 read the flutterings of her heart in her crimsoning 
 cheeks, and contemplated the bounties of that Providence 
 which forgets not the humblest of its creatures. " Oh 
 sir," said she, " what will my father say ?" and she at- 
 tempted a frown, and started back as I stole a kiss of the 
 cheek now suffused with blushes. Then with an arch 
 [110] 
 
WHO I MET AT THE HOTEL. Ill 
 
 toss of the head, she turned her great black eyes rogue- 
 ishly upon me, aud said in a half whisper that I must not 
 attempt it again. But I could not resist the magic of her 
 glance, while, together with the cherry-like freshness of 
 her lips, and the raven blackness of those glossy curls 
 that hung so ravishingly over her fair blushing cheeks, 
 discovering a delicately arched brow, and enhancing the 
 sweetness of her oval face, carried me away captive, and 
 made it seem as if heaven had created our loves to ilow on 
 in one unhallowed stream of joy. Her dapper figure was 
 neatly set off with a dress of black silk, buttoned close 
 about the neck, and showing the symmetry of her bust to 
 great advantage ; and over this she wore an apron of 
 brown silk, gimped at the edge, and her collar and wrist- 
 bands were of snowy, white linen. " Heaven knows I 
 would not harm thee, for thou art even too fair ; only a 
 knave would rob one so innocent. " And I held her trem- 
 blingly by the hand, in the open door, as she attempted to 
 draw herself a ways beseeching me with a bewitching 
 glance to" remember her youth." Bessie was the landlord's 
 daughter ; and though she was scarce passed her seven- 
 teenth summer, had became so famous for her beauty, as 
 to number her admirers in every village of the county; 
 and many were the ti-avelers that way who tarried to do 
 homage to her charms. I had just raised her warm hand to 
 my lips, hoping, after I had kissed it, to engage her in con- 
 ver.sation, when the door of a room on the opposite side 
 of the passage opened, and a queer little man, with a 
 hump on his back, and otherwise deformed, issued there- 
 from, and with a nervous stop hurried down stairs, mut- 
 tering to himself like one lost in his own contemplations. 
 Bessie, with the suddenness of one surprised, vaulted in an 
 opposite direction, and, ere I had time to cast a glance 
 after her, disappeared down a back stair, leaving her 
 
112 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOE POTTEE. 
 
 image behind only to haunt my fancy, and make me think 
 there was no one else in this world with whom I could be 
 happy. 
 
 A few minutes, and having completed my toilet, I ap- 
 peared at the supper table, which the blushing Bessie had 
 spread with all the niceties of the season, and was wait- 
 ing to do the honors. My appetite was indeed keen, but 
 the flashing of her eyes so troubled my sensitive nature, 
 that I entirely forgot the supper, and began to inquire, 
 half i-esolved ti) end my journey here, if mine host could 
 accommodate me for a month. Bessie heaved a sigh, say- 
 ing it should be done if she had to give up her own room. 
 To which I replied that nothing could induce me to give 
 her trouble for my sake; that I would take up my lodg- 
 ings upon the corn shed, where, with the stars and her 
 charms to occupy my musings, I could be so happy. 
 
 When supper was over, Bessie ushered me into a large 
 sitting room, on the left of the hall, and bid me good night. 
 A large, square table, upon which was a copy of Godey's 
 Lady's Book, the New England Cultivator, the New Bed- 
 ford Mercury, and sundry other papers of good morals, stood 
 in the center of the room. The walls were papered in bright 
 colors, and the floor was covered with an Uxbridge carpet, 
 the colors of which were green and red, and made fresh by 
 the glare of a spirit lamp that burned upon the table. A 
 chart of the South Shoal, a map of Massachusetts and Rhode 
 Island, and sundry rude drawings in crayon and water col- 
 ors, hung suspended from the walls. The air of quiet cheer- 
 fulness that pervaded the sitting room, bespoke the care 
 Bessie had bestowed upon it, and the active part she took 
 in the management of the household. And, too there 
 was a piano standing open at one end of the room, for 
 Bessie, in addition to having studied Latin and alo-ebra 
 two years at the high school, had taken music lessons of 
 
WHO I MET AT THE HOTEL. 113 
 
 Monsieur Pensiue, and could plaj seven tunes right 
 off. 
 
 An aged, clerical-looking man, his visage lean and care- 
 worn, with his newly-married bride, a simply clad coun- 
 try girl of eighteen, sat at a window, looking out upon a 
 little square, and every few minutes exchanging caresses 
 they imagined were seen by no one else in the room. In- 
 deed, when they were not caressing, they were whisper- 
 ing in very affectionate proximity. Once or twice I over- 
 heard) " My darlingj " and, " You know, my love, " which 
 curt but meaning sentences are much in fashion with per- 
 sons on a bridal tour, and who set out with the belief that 
 earth has no ill that can disturb the solace of their perhaps 
 weak love. 
 
 The little deformed man, of the nervous temperament, 
 and whose well formed head seemed to have been thrown 
 by accident upon his distended chest, paced, or rather oscil- 
 lated up and down the room, swinging his arms restlessly', 
 now casting a glance of his keen gray eye at me, then ' 
 pausing at the farther end of the room to read the notice 
 of a lecture on Orabbe, inscribed upon a great red poster. . 
 There was something in the lettering of the poster that ' 
 displeased him exceedingly, for, having scanned over it, 
 he would turn away with a quickened pace, and mutter 
 some incoherent sentences no one present could compre- 
 hend, but which his increasing nervousness betold were 
 expressive of anger. The thought of Bessie made me im- 
 patient, and following the example of the little deformed 
 man, I also commenced pacing the room, but on the oppo- 
 site side of the table, meeting and exchanging glances 
 with him in the center. The maps upon the walls fur- 
 nished me themes for contemplation in my sallies ; and I 
 read and reread the exact latitude and longitude of the 
 South Shoal, as it appeared on the charts. Then I paused 
 
114 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 at a front window, and peered out into the starlight night, 
 and saw the tree tops in a little square opposite, move 
 gently to the breeze, while my fancies recurred to the as- 
 sociation of that home, at the fireside of which I pictured 
 my father and mother, sitting thinking of me. At the op- 
 posite end of the room I read, for it was there printed upon 
 the red colored poster, that the celebrated Giles Sheridan, 
 (who was no less a person than the little deformed man 
 who paced the room so briskly,) would lecture on Crabbe, 
 in the basement of the " Orthodox Meeting House," at 
 seven, o'clock, on the following evening. 
 
 It perplexed me not a little to know why this Giles 
 Sheridan, this queer little man, had selected for the sub- 
 ject of his lecture, a person so little known in the rural 
 districts of Massachusetts. Had he consulted either the 
 political or mechanical tastes of the people, instead of their 
 literary, the cause would not have been involved in so 
 deep a mystery ; but this will be explained hereafter. 
 
 The clerical looking man had just kissed his young 
 bride, and muttered something about the joys, of paradise, 
 as I, for the ninth time, paused to ponder over the curious 
 announcement. And as I did so, the little man, with that 
 sensitiveness common to true genius, looked up at me with 
 an eye beaming with intelligence, while his lips quivered, 
 his fingers became restless, and he locked his hands be- 
 fore him and behind him, in quick succession, then frisked 
 his straight hair back over his ears with his fingers, and 
 gave out such other signs of timidity as convinced me 
 that he was a stranger in the land, and would engage me 
 in conversation merely to unburden his thoughts. I 
 have said true genius, in speaking of this queer little 
 man, for indeed, if strange nature had so disfigured his 
 person as to make it unsiglitly, she had more than com- 
 pensated him with the gifts of a brilliant mind. " Like 
 
WHO I MET AT THE HOTEL. 115 
 
 myself, sir, you are a traveler this way ? " he spoke, with a 
 voice clear and musical, and with just enough of a refined 
 brogue to discover the land of Iris nativity, or to give melody 
 to his conversation. '■ You will pardon me, sir ; but I saw 
 you evinced an interest in the notice of my lecture. Ah ! 
 sir ; even a look of encouragement cheers and fortifies this 
 misgiving heart of mine. Few, sir, very few, think of me, 
 seeing that there is nothing nbout me pleasing to the eye." 
 And as he said this, he sig'i'd, frisked his left hand across 
 his forehead, and shook his Jiead. I saw he was troubled 
 with that lack of confidence in liimself, so common to men 
 of his kind; he was also too timid for one thrown upon a 
 strange land with only genius to aid him in struggling 
 against adversity. On discovering to him who I was, and 
 that I had written a Life and Times of Captain Seth 
 Brewster, which my publisher, and several independent 
 critics he kept in his employ, had praised into an unpre- 
 cedented sale, though it was indeed the veriest rubbish, 
 his pent up enthusiasm gushed forth in a rhapsody of joy. 
 I told him, too, that two sonnets which I had written, over 
 the signature of Mary, had been published in the " New- 
 Bedford Mercury," the editor of which very excellent pa- 
 per said they were charming, though he never paid me a 
 penny for them. ' It may interest all aspiring female poets 
 to know that these little attempts at verse found their 
 way into the " Home Journal," and were highly praised 
 by it, as is everything written by Marys of sixteen. 
 
 " Men of letters are brothers ! " said the little, deformed 
 man, grasping tightly my hand. " They should bind their 
 sympathies in eternal friendship. You have no other word 
 for it ! The world never thinks of them until they are 
 dead ; ought they not then to be brothers to one another 
 while they live ? " He now placed two chairs, frisked 
 about like one half crazed, expressed his joy at meeting 
 
116 ADVEXTURE3 OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 one who had aspirations in common with him, said he 
 wished the meek old lover in the corner had his young 
 bride in paradise, and bid me be seated and join him in a 
 talk over the past and present of letters. I replied by 
 saying I was more impatient to know what had brought 
 him to Barnstable with so strange a subject for his lecture. 
 " That is the point, and I will tell you ; for a stranger is 
 never to blame for doing wrong when he thinks he is doing 
 right ! " said he, with great earnestness of manner. And 
 he drew his chair closer, and tapped me impressively on 
 the arm with the fore finger of his right hand. " And you 
 read my name, Giles Sheridan, on the pink poster. I am 
 well known in some parts of the world, and not so well 
 known in others. Thanks to a merciful God, I am not 
 the worst man in the world, and yet I am deformed ; and as 
 the world praises most the beauty that adorns the surface, 
 so few think of me, care for me, or say, ' Giles Sheridan, 
 there is meat and wine at my house, where you will be 
 welcome.' Thinking even a cripple might find favor and 
 fortune in the country, I came over not long since, and 
 sought the city of Boston, it being, as many had told me, 
 the great center of America's learning and refinement. 
 There I gave a lecture or two ; but being a stranger, and 
 deformed withal, the reception I met was cold and 
 discouraging. Against such men as Lowell, and Curtis, men 
 born on the soil, and of such goodly person as made them 
 the pets of the petticoats and pantaletts, I could not hope 
 to succeed. In truth, I gave up, sick at heart, clean only 
 in pocket, and with the alternative of a garret and a crust 
 staring me in the face, in a land of plenty. At length a 
 friendly hand came to my succor, and through it I was in- 
 vited by a committee, composed of the tavern keeper, the 
 schoolmaster, the Unitarian clergyman, and the milkman, 
 (who had a relish for letters,) to deliver three lectures in 
 
WHO I MET AT THE HOTEL. 117 
 
 this town, for which they promised to pay me five dollars ; 
 a lecture, and my victuals. Yes, sir, my victuals. Five; 
 dollars and victuals for a learned lecture was something! 
 for a man whose pocket stood much in need of replenish- \ 
 ing. I came, disposed to do to the best of my ability ; / 
 and the victuals I have had, and they are good. I chose 
 Orabbe for the subject of my lecture, in deference to my 
 own taste, and also because I was led to believe, judging 
 from analogy, that the knowledge of men of letters which ] 
 ruled in Boston, must also rule in the villages and towns 
 round about. It was that which led me to announce 
 Orabbe, which announcement has much disturbed the 
 town. No one seems to know who or what manner of I 
 man he was, and many curious questions have been put to 
 me concerning his origin, the things he did while living, 
 the manner of his death, and what was said of him after- 
 wards. Several inquisitive old ladies, who called to see me 
 to-day, put many questions concerning his morals and reli- , 
 gion. Not entertaining a doubt of his loving all religion i 
 that was founded in truth and reason, I sent them away | 
 fully satisfied that Mr. Orabbe was a man of good stand- ; 
 ing in the church. You will remember sir, it was Orabbe / 
 who said, 
 
 " ' There site he upright ia bis seat secure. 
 As one whose conscience is correct and pure.' " 
 
 Here he continued to repeat several of the most beau- 
 tiful lines written by that poet, and which are familiar to 
 his readers. 
 
 " An unhappy sort of man, clothed in the garb of a 
 mechanic, and calling himself a nonresistant, has several 
 times called to inquire if Mr. Orabbe, of whom I proposed 
 to speak, was an advocate of physical resistance. Not 
 being able to satisfy him upon this point, he has sought in 
 
118 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 divers ways to pick a quarrel with rae." Just at this mo- 
 ment the door opened, and there entered to the evident 
 annoyance of the little defoi-med man, one Ephraim Flagg, 
 a clicker of shoes, and an ex-stagedriver. He was lean 
 and low of figure, had a long bony face, and a gloomy ex- 
 pression of countenance, and a straight, narrow forehead, 
 and coarse, silvery hair, that stood erect upon his head. 
 " I have come again, you see ; but don't let your choler 
 get up, my little stranger. Peace and little men ought to 
 keep each other company," spoke the man, with a strong, 
 nasal twang, after having adjusted hi« thumbs in the arm 
 holes of his waistcoat, and passed twice or thrice up and 
 down the room, with a tantalizing aii'. Ephraim Flagg 
 had given up driving the stage between New London and 
 Norwich, and had recently taken to books, and so studied 
 certain exact and inexact sciences, as they were called, 
 and neglected all business, that it was feared he would 
 become a town tax. In addition to this he had made 
 himself famous for quarreling with all those who differed 
 with him on the peculiarities of his social problem. 
 
 •' Sir ! " replied the lecturer, " as you chose neither to 
 be convinced, nor to accept reason for argument, perhaps 
 we had as well end this bantering ! " 
 
 " Oh ! there you are," interrupted the nonresistant, 
 " you must not allow j'our ill temper to rise. You can't 
 get (no you. can't) the better of your adversary that way. 
 If a man kicks you, and if you want to show yourself his 
 superior, turn right round and thank him. Depend upon 
 it, there is nothing equal to it ! It so unhinges the man. 
 Now, as to this Mr. Crabbe, (you forgot, iu our controversy 
 yesterday, to say where he was born,) being a gentleman, 
 and in favor of using physical force — '' 
 
 " Seeing that I am engaged, Mr. Flagg," interrupted 
 Giles Sheridan, " perhaps you will excuse me any further 
 
V:nO I MET AT THE HOTEL. 119 
 
 controversy on the peculiar merits of Orabbe's cotnbative- 
 ness." 
 
 " But there was one point not made quite clear to me, 
 and I came back, not to make yor. angry, for men who 
 give lectures should have good tempers, but to inquire if 
 this Mr. Orabbe was ever kocked down ; and if he was, 
 how and in what manner he returned the kindness ] " To 
 this question, Giles Sheridan was not inclined to vouch- 
 safe an answer. The nonresistant then said, the princi- 
 ples he had been trying to defend, were being illustrated. 
 " I am an enemy to physical force ; but I have grained a 
 victory over you ! You won't deny that, I take it ? " 
 continued the nonresistant, taking a seat uninvited ; and, 
 having placed his feet upon the table, near Giles Sheridan, 
 who was scarce able to restrain his feelings at the want of 
 good breeding therein displayed, threw his hat upon the 
 floor, and said he would wager four dollars and thirty 
 cents, which wag all the money he possessed, that he 
 could lecture on the principles of nonresistance, and draw 
 an audience greater by ten per cent, than would come to 
 hear about Mr. Crabbe. " You don't know whether your 
 man had a liking for tobacco and whiskey ? " he parenthe- 
 sized. A look of contempt flashed from Giles Sheridan's 
 eye, as he twirled his fingers, and curtly replied, " I wish, 
 for your own sake, sir, that j'our tongue did not betray 
 the error of the doctrine you ha^-e set up — '' 
 
 " Oh ! there you are ! " the nonresistant quickly re- 
 plied, " establishing by your acts what you have not cour- 
 age to acknowledge with your lips. " Wounded in his 
 feelings, the little deformed man turned away, and com- 
 menced inquiring what I thought about several learned, 
 but very heavy reviews that had recently appeared in I 
 Putnam's Magazine, a monthly so sensitive of its charac-; 
 ter for weighty logic, that it never gave ordinary readers 
 
120 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 anything they Could digest. I confessed I was not suffi- 
 ciently qualified to speak on the subject ; to do which, re- 
 quired that a man be a member of that mutual admiration 
 society, beyond whose delicate fingers it seldom circulated. 
 The nonresistant evidently saw my embarrassment, and 
 saj-ing he had but one more question to ask respecting the 
 man Orabbe, continued in the following manner, while 
 Giles Sheridan remained doggedly silent. " Now, look a 
 here ! if your Mr. Crabbe had a bin a farmer who had 
 grown a nice field of wheat, which his neighbor's horse, 
 being breachy, had got into, wanting to get the best of that 
 neighbor, would he have killed the horse, or would he 
 have gone to that neighbor and said, ' Neighbor, thy horse 
 is in my wheat, pray come and take him out, that I may 
 not bear thee malice ? ' " This question, and the quaint 
 manner in which it was put, so conciliated the little de- 
 formed man that he could not resist a smile. " I have 
 you there ! " exclaimed the nonresistant with a toss of his 
 head. 
 
 " It occurs to me that Crabbe never had a farm, hence it 
 would not become me to speak for him. For myself, I had 
 driven the horse out with my dog, " replied the other. 
 
 " There you are wrong," retorted the nonresistant, 
 " for the dog would have destroyed the wheat, and so car- 
 ried the devil to the heart of the farmer, that he had gone 
 to law, if, indeed, he had not killed the horse, and by so 
 doing lost all power over his adversary. Whereas, if 
 he had spoken gently of the conduct of the horse, the 
 owner would have been sorely grieved, and set about 
 making good the damage, according to the promptings of 
 his own heart." 
 
 The landlord hearing the nonresistant's voice, entered 
 the room and ordered him to begone about his business, 
 and seek some better employment than that of hectoriug 
 
M'HO I MET AT THE HOTEL. 121 
 
 every traveler who chanced to put up at .his inn. But 
 the nonresistant replied that he was not to be insulted by 
 a landlord who professed to keep a temperance house, and 
 sold liquid death daily on the sly ; nor would he leave the 
 inn, in which he. had a common right, until his own con- 
 venience dictated. This so enraged the landlord, that al- 
 though he was a little man, he seized the nonresistant by 
 tlie collar, and would have forced him to leave the prem- 
 ises but that the other proved too strong for him. Indeed 
 the nonresistant, notwithstanding his principles, had well 
 nigh dive.sted the landlord of his coat, and done serious 
 damage to his face, and was only ejected from the house 
 by the timely assistance of the hostler and the bar tender. 
 6 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 IN WHICH THE TOWN IS THROWN INTO A STATE OP 
 ALARM, AND SUNDRY OTHER THINGS WORTH MEN- 
 TIONING. 
 
 The nonresistant, resolving to make the street his 
 castle, stood for some minutes making grimaces, and 
 hurling coarse invective at the landlord, who, with sundry 
 idlers, had gathered into the portico. He then took his 
 leave, swearing to have satisfaction of his assailants, as 
 Giles Sheridan, looking out at the window, said he should 
 long remember the fellow for the courtesy he had mani- 
 fested towards him. 
 
 Peace being restored, the landlord, his shirt ruffle in a. 
 sad plight, returned to apologize for the disturbance to his 
 guests ; while peeping in at the door, I saw Bessie, her 
 black eyes almost swimming in tears, and evidently alarmed 
 for my safety. Again Giles Sheridan spoke up and said : 
 " It can be no good that brought the fellow hither. He 
 must have been begotten under an evil star, and nursed 
 by a virago. The fellow has but to take good care of his 
 invective ; and if he adopt the ass instead of the madman, 
 he may in time become an excellent critic." Here he 
 paused, turned his head quickly, and frisked his fingers 
 nervously through his straight, silvery hair. The clerical 
 looking groom, hearing the little deformed man speak thus, 
 led his young bride frightened to bed. 
 
 The lecturer now drew a much worn and almost illegi- 
 ble manuscript from his pocket, and commenced reading 
 
 [122] 
 
THE TOWN IN ALARM. 123 
 
 to me a few passages from it, in a clear, shrill voice, and 
 ■with much earnestness of manner. His love of approba- 
 tion, I saw, was only equaled by his want of self-confi- 
 dence, which made him anxious to hear what I would say 
 of it. So I listened with more than ordinary attention 
 while he read, and then expressed a firm belief that the 
 people of Barnstable could not fail to appreciate his asce- 
 tics. This so encouraged hira that his heart seemed 
 beating with joy, and he warmed into enthusiasm, and 
 read on, watching intently the changes of my countenance, 
 as if he wished to read in them my fleeting thoughts. I 
 was about to inquire whether it were good policy to meas- 
 ure public tjtste by one's own, when he paused, and heaving 
 a sigh, said in a modulated tone of voice, that so many 
 queer inquiries had been made of him respecting Crabbe, 
 that he began to doubt whether he could interest the 
 people in a discourse upon the character of one they had 
 scarce heard of. No longer ago than yesterday, he said. 
 General Sam Wheeler, the popular high school committee- 
 man, looked in to say, that it was getting all over Barn- 
 stable, and had very nearly got into the columns of the 
 Patriot, that he had been got down by the evil agency of 
 the anti-temperance men to lecture on a new process of 
 making brandy from crab apples. And the Baptist clergy- 
 man rather encouraged this report, which was doing serious 
 damage. I was told, too, that the subject of my lecture 
 had been warmly debated by the ladies of the Orthodox 
 Sewing Circle, where Mrs. Silas Hey wood, who had written 
 several strong articles for the Patriot, which journal 
 adopted them as its own, was heard to declare emphati- 
 cally that she had never heard of this man Crabbe, though 
 she had read no end of books. Miss Bruce had been six 
 quarters at the high-school, knew something of Latin and 
 algebra, and had taken music lessons of Monsieur Pensin^ ; 
 
124 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 but sbe had never heard of Crabbe until she read " Night 
 and Morning," where, out of sheer affectation, as it seemed 
 to her, she found that the author had made sundiy quota- 
 tions from him to adorn the heads of his chapters. As for 
 Miss Leland, who had been two years abroad with her 
 father and mother, and was supposed to know all about 
 literature and the poets, she thought Mr. Crabbe could 
 not be much, since she had not even heard of him while 
 in England. Mr. Faulkner, the storekeeper, had not a 
 book of Crabbe on his shelves, though he dealt largely in 
 hardware and literature, and was a very respectable 
 scholar. And Squire Brigham, the lawyer, who mixed 
 himself up with other people's business a greatTdeal, busied 
 himself in sayuig : Crabbe must have been an obscure fel- 
 low, for though there was a pyramid of old books in his 
 library, he had not one of this author's among them ; and 
 perhaps he ought to be thankful for it, for indeed Mrs. 
 Forbush had said to him in confidence, that she understood 
 of the little deformed man that Crabbe had written some 
 very bad things of lawyers. Mrs. Forbush went regnlaily 
 to Boston to get the fashions and attend the Lowell lec- 
 tures ; Mrs. Forbush had written a religious novel for the 
 "Olive Branch;" Mrs. Forbush said, who would have 
 thought of giving such a looking little creature five dollars 
 and his victuals for lecturing upon such a subject ? 
 
 The cry of fire without, and the loud peals of an alarm 
 bell, suddenly threw the town and the tavern into a state 
 of great excitement. Giles Sheridan stopped short in his 
 discourse, and the inmates of the house rushed in great 
 agitation into the street. The alarm spread rapidly, and 
 people began to run in every direction but the right one. 
 One declared it a false alarm. That it was set on foot to 
 afford recreation for the mischievous, another was quite 
 sure. A third was ready to swear he saw the incendiary 
 
THE TOWN IN ALARM. 125 
 
 run down " tte lane." People ran in opposite directions, 
 crying fire. People, wayward and confused, were en- 
 deavoring to persuade one another that the scene of the 
 fire was not in the direction they were going, though 
 neither smoke nor flame could be seen in any part of the 
 town. And while the people were thus confused, an harsh 
 and grating voice cried out that the fire was down the 
 lane, a narrow pathway that led from one part of the town 
 to another. The confused figures of men who had stood 
 contemplating here and there about the square, now rushed 
 down the lane, and soon came in hearing of moans and 
 lamentations, which grew louder and louder, as of one in 
 great distress. " Oh ! unworthy sinner that I am, let every 
 man exert himself to remedy this misfortune ! " a stifled 
 voice was heard to cry out, as a crowd, having gathered 
 round a pit, where some workmen had been digging for a 
 well, discovered no less a person at the bottom, half buried 
 in sand and water, than Major Roger Potter. " Peace, 
 good man, and thy misfortune shall be remedied soon," 
 said the Orthodox clergyman, who was among the alarm- 
 ists, and, notwithstanding his accustomed frigidity, could 
 scarce suppress a smile at seeing the major cut so sorry a 
 figure. The clergyman now ordered the bystanders, who 
 were much more inclined to enjoy the joke, to bring ropes, 
 and assist in relieving the distressed man, who, if not a 
 friend of the church, was at least a Christian. " Aye»aye," 
 responded the major, " and be not long about it, for the 
 sand is caving in, and I feel the devil fingering my toes." 
 Seeing the people come to his relief, the major regained 
 his courage, (for when discovered he was nearly frightened 
 out of his wits,) and began heaping curses upon the head 
 of the miscreant who had laid so diabolical a plot against 
 his life. Indeed, he stubbornly refused to be convinced 
 that it was anything else than a trick of his enemies to 
 
126 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 rob him of his military title. In fine, he declared to the 
 parson, who several times rebuked him for his free use of 
 profane adjectives, that nothing but his good will for man- 
 kind in general prevented him from taking summary ven- 
 geance of his enemies with his sword, which, fortunately 
 for those who were making light of his distress, he had 
 left at home. It was not that he set so high a value upon 
 his life, for he had shown while in the Mexican War that 
 he was not wanting in valor, and was ready at any mo- 
 ment to sacrifice it to his honor; but it sorely grieved him 
 to think of what a loss the nation and Barnstable would 
 suffer in his death by falling into a pit. 
 
 The rabble, as he called those who had come to his 
 relief, now began to jeer him, and to demand of him a 
 speech, merely to occupy the time while ropes necessary 
 to his deliverance were being brought. This so enraged 
 the major, that in addition to swearing he would not be 
 drawn up by such a set of inhuman rascals, he commenced 
 to curse his hard fate. A few moments more and he be- 
 came calm, and looking up beseechingly in the clergyman's 
 face, which was reflected by the light of a lantern, he en- 
 joined him to hasten to bis wife, Polly Potter, and tell 
 her of the plight he was in. She had never forsaken him 
 in his misfortunes. But the clergyman was scrupulous of 
 his dignity, and not fancying the strong quality of the 
 expletives he was using, took his leave, saying he could not 
 waste sympathy upon one who so far forgot his afilictions 
 as to take the name of the Lord in vain. 
 
 Ropes were now at hand, and amidst much laughter and 
 jeering, the major was relieved from his perilous position, 
 not, however, until his face had received some bruises and 
 his garments much injury. The crowd now professed so 
 much affection for him, that he began to deplore the loss 
 of his temper, and to offer apologies for what he had said 
 
THE TOWX IN ALARM. 127 
 
 when in the pit, which were readily accepted, with regrets 
 for his misfortune. Indeed, he inwardly congratulated 
 himself that he had not lost a whit of his political or mili- 
 tary popularity, and that the mishap was one of those 
 peculiar interpositions of Providence which may occur in 
 the life of any great man. As to the oaths that had lost 
 him the friendship of the clergyman, he regretted them 
 from the very hottom of his heart, and hoped his friends, 
 in the exercise of that generosity they had ever evinced 
 for him, would set them down to the hewildered and con- 
 fused state of his faculties. Hoping he would never again 
 be in a condition to merit their jokes, the major bowed in 
 the politest manner, and turned to take his departure, 
 adding that he would have to perform certain offices pleas- 
 ing to his wife, Polly. He had, however, no sooner turned 
 his back, than the crowd gave out shouts of laughter, 
 seeing the condition his nether garments were in. Being 
 unconscious of the cause, the major mistook their shouts 
 for a manifestation of his popularity, 'and having paused to 
 acknowledge it with a bow, continued on his way as the 
 crowd dispersed. 
 
 It seems that the mischievous urchins, on seeing the 
 major enter the tavern, mounted his team and drove seve- 
 ral times round the town, the pig and chickens keeping up 
 a medley of noise that seriously annoyed numerous peace- 
 ably-disposed citizens. And having satisfied their mis- 
 chievous propensities, they left old Battle to himself, 
 knowing that he would keep faith with his master. Finding 
 his faithful animal gone, when he issued from the tavern, 
 the major, not doubting the steady habits of his horse, very 
 naturally believed that he had taken his way home, and 
 thus forestalled his arrival. The only thing that caused 
 him any fear was, that some accident might occur to his 
 live stock. He therefore took the shortest road home, 
 
128 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 and so completely absorbed in the contemplation of his 
 profits, and of the prospect of another chance for political 
 fame, was he, that he hastened on regardless of the planks 
 the workmen had placed round the well they were digging, 
 and of which he became conscious only when he had tum- 
 bled some twenty feet to the bottom. Beginning to sink 
 deeper and deeper in the sand, from which all his efforts 
 to extricate himself failed, he set up a cry of fire, regard- 
 ing it the one which would soonest bring him relief. And 
 this cry he bawled until he sent the whole town into a 
 state of excitement. 
 
 And now, since I have exhausted the limits of my 
 chapter, I must reserve what took place between the 
 major and his wife Polly, and how she almost fainted at 
 seeing him enter the house in so shattered a condition, for 
 another chapter. 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 IN WHICH THERE IS AN INTERESTING MEETING BETWEEN 
 MAJOR POTTER AND HIS WIFE POLLY. 
 
 Major Eogek Sherman Potter lived in a little red 
 house in the outskirts of the town of Barnstable. There were 
 two crabbed little windows in front, for it could boast of 
 but one story, and a narrow green door, over which a prairie 
 rose bush clustered, as if to hide its infirmity. A small 
 window, reminding one of a half closed jacknife, and in 
 which were two earthen flower pots containing mignonnette, 
 set jauntily upon the roof, which was so covered with 
 black moss, that it was impossible to tell whether it was 
 shingleil or tiled. Indeed such was the shattered condi- 
 tion of the little tenement, that you might easily have 
 imagined it suffering from a forty years' attack of chronic 
 disease, and quite unfit for the habitation of so great a 
 military hero. The major, however, had a peculiar faculty 
 for reconciling humbleness with greatness, and always 
 overcame the remonstrances of his wife, (who was con- 
 tinually urging the necessity of a larger tenement, in ac- 
 cordance with their advanced popularity,) by reminding 
 her that General Scott, who was a great military hero, and 
 to whom the nation owed a debt of gratitude it had no 
 notion of discharging until after his death, was kept poor 
 and humble by the nation, merely for its own convenience. 
 In truth, whenever Polly Potter upbraided the major for 
 not keeping up proper appearances, he would mutter so 
 that her ears could not escape the meaning, that rags 
 6* [129] 
 
130 ADVEXTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 might cover a nobleman, while the knave might scent his 
 fine linen with the perfumes of Arabia. In reply to this, 
 Polly would remind him in her own way, that tattered 
 garments and good society were not the fashion of the daj', 
 and seldom went together. 
 
 " Well, here I am, wife ! in an unsuitable condition, I 
 confess," said the major, stalking into his little habitation, 
 and embracing his wife, who had been waiting his coming 
 in great anxiety, seeing that old Battle had arrived nearly 
 an hour previous, with the tin wagon in a very disordered 
 condition. " Heavens ! my faithful husband, my dear 
 good husband, what has happened ? " shrieked his wife, 
 standing aghast for a moment, and then throwing herself 
 almost fainting into his arms, as two shj' looking and ill 
 clad little girls, and a boy of some twelve j-ears old, clung 
 about her garments, and commenced to cry with all tlie 
 might of their lungs. The major's wife was a slender, 
 meekly attired woman, with exceedingly sharp features, a 
 bright, watchful eye, evincing great energy of character, 
 and a complexion which might be considered a compro- 
 mise between the color of Dr. Townsend's sarsaparilla and 
 the daintiest olive — induced, as the major afterwards told 
 me, by bilious disorder. 
 
 The major was at a loss how to account to his wife for 
 his shattered condition, nor was he conscious of the dis- 
 ordered state of his nether garments, the rent in which 
 had been made larger by the process of getting him out 
 of the pit. However, as her recovery was almost as 
 sudden as her notion to faint, and seeing that nothing 
 serious had resulted therefrom, he placed her in a chair, 
 and commenced recounting to her how he got into the 
 pit, which he swore, and made her believe, was set for 
 him by his enemies, who had for many years bore him 
 great malice, in consequence of his fame, which, God 
 
AX IXTERESTING MEETING. 131 
 
 knows, he had worked hard enough to gain. " La's me, 
 husband," said the artless woman, malting him a return of 
 her affections ; " it's just what I've a dozen times told you 
 they'd do, if they'd only a sly chance. There's Robins 
 Dobson, who has been trying for years to be Major of the 
 Invinclbles, and it's just what his wife wants. She 
 wants to see his name, with the title 'taclied, in the Pa- 
 triot some mornin'. Poor folks has a hard enough time to 
 get up in the world, and when they gets up, everybody 
 wants to pull 'em down. That's the way the world goes." 
 As it had always been a custom with the good woman to 
 believe no greater military character than the major ever 
 lived — an opinion he shared to the fullest extent — so was 
 it the most pleasing thing with him to reciprocate the 
 honor by asserting, whenever an opportunity offered, that 
 history afforded no example of a military hero ever before 
 being blessed with so good a wife. Indeed I very much 
 doubt whether there ever existed a heaven in which love, 
 joy, and mutual confidence were so liberally exchanged 
 as in this, the major's little tenement. As for furniture, 
 it could boast of but little, and that of the shabbiest kind. 
 It was true, there was a print of General Scott hung upon 
 the discolored wall, and another of Zack Taylor, and an- 
 other of General Pierce, mounted upon a ferocious-looking 
 charger, and about to demonstrate his courage (not in at- 
 tacking the lines of an enemy) by rushing into the thickest 
 of a hailstorm. By these, especially the latter, Polly Potter 
 set great store, inasmuch as they illustrated the major's 
 taste for the profession of which he was so illustrious a 
 member. I had almost forgotten to mention, while enu- 
 merating the portraits of these great generals, that there 
 was hanging over the tea-table (as if to do penance for some 
 grievous wrong committed against that venerable institu- 
 
132 ADVENTURES OF lIAJOll TOTTER. 
 
 tution) a picture of General Webb, who had distinguished 
 himself in several great battles, fought in the columns of 
 an almost pious newspaper, published in Wall Street, 
 New York, and whom Polly Potter verily believed, having 
 heard it of the neighbors, to be a wonderful diplomatist, 
 which was rare in so great a general. 
 
 "And now, seeing that we have had but scanty fare for 
 the week past, and have got deeply in debt to the grocer, 
 who has twice threatened to take our little things for pay, 
 pray tell us of your voyage, and what success you have 
 met with;" said the good woman, which reminded the 
 major of his neglect of his faithful horse, which, in reply 
 to a question concerning his arrival, he was told had come 
 safely home, and been put in the barn, but without either 
 pig or chickens. The major was not a little surprised on 
 hearing this account of his team, and repaired at once to 
 the barn, where he found old Battle a little jaded, but other- 
 wise in his usual good condition, and as ready as ever to 
 acknowledge the caresses of his kind master. To his utter 
 astonishment neither pig nor chickens, upon which he had 
 set so much store, as constituting the larger half of his 
 available profits, were to be seen. He now swore either 
 that the town was full of thieves, or that it was another 
 trick of his enemies to deprive him of the means of 
 sustaining his hard-earned reputation. His wife now, 
 evincing great grief at the sad misfortune, held the lantern 
 while he counted his skins and tin ware, which he found 
 to tally exactly with his account of stock, which he kept 
 ou a dingy slip of paper, with the exactness of a cotton 
 broker. " Curse on these enemies of mine ; they are all 
 an evil minded set of blockheads ! " ejaculated the major, 
 pausing to consider a moment, and then heaving a sigh. 
 " Husband, curse not your enemies," enjoined the confid- 
 
AN INTERESTING MEEl'ING. 133 
 
 ing woman, " for the Scripture teaclietli tli<lt we must pray 
 for them ; and you know we have much need of behig 
 exalted above them." 
 
 '' I leave what the Scripture teacheth to Parson Boomer," 
 interrupted the major, " who deals in that sort of com- 
 merce. Scripture, as I take it, has little to do with one's 
 military reputation. And, may the devil take me if I 
 don't think military men get it right nine times outof ten, 
 and won't be far behind them in getting to heaven, (I mean 
 the parsons,) unless they look well to the state of their 
 morals." 
 
 Being very short, and stout, and singularly duck-legged 
 ivithal, the major, having bad his attention called to the 
 condition of his garments, drew forth his cotton handker- 
 chief and hung it about his loins, as a means of protecting 
 the exposed state of his battery. Thus protected in his 
 dignity, he resolved that his wife should bear him com- 
 pany, and together they would sally down the road a mile 
 or two, in search of his lost live stock. As this neces- 
 sarily incurred some danger to his person, which it required 
 courage to overcome, he thought it well to step into the 
 house and get his sword, a weapon that never failed him, 
 and with which, according to his own account, he had kill- 
 ed innumerable Mexicans. Having girded on this vener- 
 able weapon, he came forth as never before did military 
 hero, swearing to have satisfaction of every enemy who 
 chanced in his way. 
 
 Let it be understood by all my mil tary acquaintances, 
 that I mean no offence in what I have here written Nor 
 must it be inferred because I have thus accoutered the 
 major, who must be set down for a military politician, that 
 such is the fashion with all great majors and colonels; for 
 indeed history furnishes no account of their going to war 
 with what is generally accepted as their most vital parts 
 
IS-i ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 protected witk pocket handkerchiefs, not even when flee- 
 ing before the enemies' bullets. Nor would this history 
 sustain the reputation for truth I have from the beginning 
 resolved it shall maintain with generations yet unborn, 
 were I to leave unrecorded this act of heroism, seeing that 
 it has so many counterparts among those who aifect the 
 profession of arms, and are honest enough in their belief 
 that the nation's battles cannot be fought without them. 
 
 And now, having prepared himself for a tilt with assail- 
 ants, rather than a search for his pig and poultry, he 
 strode forth, his wife following a few steps behind, lantern 
 in hand, and so regulating the shadow as not to obstruct 
 his vision. Being a woman of great kindness, and much 
 given to religion, his wife would pause every few steps, 
 and enjoin the major to treat his adversary, if any he 
 should chance to meet, with great consideration. There 
 was no knowing, she said, but that it might all be the 
 work of some mischievous boys. " That maj' be, wife ; 
 but they are set on by older heads. There's Captain 
 Tom Baker, and Sergeant Prentice, of the Invincibles, in 
 it somewhere ! And they'll never stop molesting me until 
 they have felt the weight of this sword 1" returned the 
 major, touching the hilt of his sword, and quickening his 
 pace. 
 
 They had not proceeded far, when the rippling of a 
 brook, and a slight rustling of leaves among some bushes 
 by the roadside, caused the major to halt suddenly, half 
 unsheath his sword, and place himself in an attitude of 
 defence. " I said we should find them, wife ; and may 
 the devil take me if I don't make dead men of them in a 
 trice." 
 
 " Truly, husband, it is only the wind and the brook you 
 hear, and which, at this hour of the night, sounds very 
 like the talking of conspiring men," interupted the woman, 
 
AN INTiSRESTII^G MEETING. 135 
 
 as if to encourage the major, wlio shrugged his shoulders, 
 and began to show signs of fear in tlie backward and cau- 
 tious movement of his steps. " As I hope to be saved, 
 wife," returned our hero, in a modified tone of voice, 
 " though it takes more than a trifle to alarm me, who has 
 seen much service in Mexico, I am not mistaken. A 
 vagabond of some kind lurks in the bushes yonder, for I 
 heard his voice as distinctly as if it had been bawled into 
 my ears. There ! hear you not the sound of his foot- 
 steps ? Go you ahead with the light, and leave the rest 
 to me." 
 
 " Pray, husband, do not let your fancies lead you to 
 rash acts." 
 
 " Rash acts ? " rejoined the major, " to kill a score of such 
 lurking, vagabonds would only be doing good service for the 
 devil, who merits one's aid now and then." In evidence 
 of her fiiith in the cause of the sounds, the good woman 
 advanced forward, and, followed by the major, with his 
 sword drawn and braced, they proceeded cautiously on 
 over the bridge, though not until our hero had several 
 times stopped to listen, which he declared was enjoined 
 by every rule of the profession, and was a means to avoid 
 surprise while advancing upon an enemy. 
 
 Having ascended the brow of a hill, a short distance be- 
 yond the bridge, it was agreed between the major and his 
 wife, that, being out of danger, they might now look more 
 after the lost property and think less of assailants. The 
 major, in the meantime, commenced giving his wife an ac- 
 count of the pig's knowing qualities, which, together with a 
 description of the eccentric swine drivej;, amused her not 
 a little. If the pig, she argued, was possessed of one half 
 the gifts set down to him, he would take care of himself 
 for the night ; and as to the chickens, not even the black 
 people who lived on the hill, would think of coming out at 
 
136 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 night to steal them — for though they were proverbially 
 fond of keeping a large poultry yard, and not over Kcrnpu- 
 lous of the means by wliich they supplied it— they were 
 too sparing of their energies to waste them at that hour 
 of night. She therefore enjoined that they return peace- 
 ably home, and leave the search to be resumed at daylight. 
 The major admitted the reason of his wife's argument, but 
 declared his determination to traverse the road round and 
 return by way of the tavern. It might, in truth, betray 
 a want of courage, did he retrace his steps at this stage 
 of the road. 
 
 " As to courage, husband,'^ said his wife, holding the 
 lantern so near that the shadow reflected over his broad 
 face, " I am sure you have already proved that you are 
 not wanting in that ; and as there are but a few hours 
 until daylight, we had as well go home and get us com- 
 fortably to bed." The figure of a man, whose dusky 
 shadow reflected along the fence, vvas now seen approach- 
 ing iu the road. Tlie major had no sooner descried him, 
 than he fell in with his wife's opinion, and as a practical 
 illustration of his faith in it, commenced retracing his 
 steps so fast that it was with much difficulty slie co'uld 
 keep up with him. Looking neither to the right nor 
 the left, he continued on until he had gained the house, 
 from the door of which he turned to look back, when, find- 
 ing the figure had vanished, he said with an air of regained 
 courage, that it was no't that he feared the miscreant, but 
 having a wife and three childien dependent upon him, he 
 could not hope for forgiveness were he to risk his valuable 
 life in combat with a lurking vagabond. He therefore 
 shut the door, partook of an humble supper, and went 
 quietly to bed, leaving the pig and chickens to take care 
 of themselves until daylight. 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 WHEREIN IS RECORDED EVENTS WHICH TOOK PLACE ON 
 THE DAT FOLLOWING THE MAJOR'S ARRIVAL AT BARN- 
 STABLE, WITH SUNDRY OTHER QUEER THINGS. 
 
 The sun was filling tbe east -with golden filaments, and 
 the sparrows were making the air melodious with their 
 songs, glad, no doubt, at the major's return, when, on the 
 morning following the events I have recorded in the fore- 
 going chapter, I was awakened by a voice singing 
 sweetly under my window. I soon recognized it as the 
 voice of Bessie, whose image rose up in my fancy as the 
 fairest of living creatures. At first, my senses seemed 
 seized with a pleasant delirium ; but soon the strains came 
 BO sweet and tender that I lost all power over my emo- 
 tions, while it seemed to me as if my fancy had winged its 
 way to some land where love and joy rules unclouded. 
 " 0, sweet transport, whither wilt ^ou beguile me ! " I 
 said with a sigh, as the voice ceased its singing, and the 
 effect was like an electric shock, consuming me with disap- 
 pointment. But I heard the dulcet echoes mingling faintly 
 with the songs of birds, as if some seraph had strung hor 
 lute to give sweet music to the winds ; and I was consoled. 
 
 After a few moments' pause the voice again broke forth 
 from the garden, and I caught the following words, which, 
 if I can trust my treacherous memory, belong to a song 
 written by the learned Dr. Easley when in the tutelage of 
 his literary career, and heaven knows, (for he was then a 
 
 [137] 
 
Is8 ADVEXTUKES OF itAJOR POTTER. 
 
 priest of slender means,) before he ever thought of trans- 
 lating Gernaan or becoming the pensioned pnifer of three 
 New York booksellers : 
 
 " Come, gentle stranger, haste thee hither, 
 Tarry not, fur I am lonely — 
 Come and tell me whom thou lovest 
 Or the throbbing mischief will my heart betray." 
 
 This being a fair and honest specimen of Easley's early 
 attempts at versification, it was said of him by those best 
 qualified to judge, that had he but stuck to the pulpit and 
 sonnet writing, he would in time have become an adept, 
 for he could compose pathetically enough, and so regulate 
 his points as to make his theology appear quite profound. 
 But he had a weakness which ran to the getting of gold, 
 and this betrayed him into the commerce of literature, 
 where he had become a critic of easy virtue, and had at- 
 tracted about him innumerable adorers, principally maidens 
 of twenty, whose elegant endowments and clever novels 
 he could not sufiiciently extol. Besides being a poet and 
 a great praiser of small books, the learned doctor had a 
 rare talent for making ladies' slippers, which, it had been 
 more than once hinted, was the trade of his early youth. 
 It was now charged upon him, though I do not assert it 
 of my own knowledge, that he had found it profitable to 
 become the assassin of criticism and the undertaker of 
 literature, for which offices he was amply qualified, not- 
 withstanding the very serious writers in Putnam's Maga- 
 zine thought he ought to be transported to Sandy Hook, 
 there to do penance among the breakers a whole Novem- 
 ber. And this punishment they would no doubt have 
 carried out, but for the two newspapers and four book- 
 sellers, who stood in so much need of his virgin goodness 
 that tjiey refused to part with him even for a day. 
 
SL'BSEQUEXT EVENTS. 139 
 
 After another pause, the voice" of Bessie again struck 
 up, and this time she sung : 
 
 " O, had I Ariadne's ciowii, 
 At morning I would sing to thee — 
 Would sing of dew-drops on thy ringlets, 
 Then my Apollo thou Bhould'st be." 
 
 This, also, was hy the learned Doctor Easley, and is ex- 
 tracted from a poem published in his native village many 
 years ago. Having great confidence in its numerous 
 beauties, which the villagers, being humble people, failed 
 to discover, the doctor resolved to seek his fortune in Ne-w 
 York, confident that first rate poetic talent never was ap- 
 preciated in the country. 
 
 The sweetness of Bessie's voice (not the words) so en- 
 chanted me, that I arose, dressed myself, and hurried down 
 stairs, and into the reading room, where the little deformed 
 man was premeditating the ill fate of his lecture. He re- 
 turned my salutation with great earnestness of manner, told 
 me he had walked three times around the square, listening 
 to the birds sing. And, too, he had been regarded by 
 young Barnstable as an object of curiosity. Impatient to 
 engage me in conversation, he drew forth his notes, which 
 he as suddenly shut up and returned to his pocket, on 
 seeing the clerical looking man enter the room, accompa- 
 nied by his bride, her countenance the very picture of in- 
 nocence betrayed. 
 
 The little deformed man had evidently taken a dislike 
 to the gray haired and milky faced groom ; for no sooner 
 had he pocketed his notes than he set to pacing the room 
 rapidly, frisking his fingers alternately behind and before 
 him, and casting half angry glances over his shoulder at 
 him. I took advantage of this display of irrascibility on 
 the part of the lecturer, and passed into the hall, where 
 
liO ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEB. 
 
 Bessie, liaving ceased her singing, was busily arranging 
 the furniture and attending to tliose little domestic duties 
 which, in towns where fashion rules, are left to untutored 
 servants. She received my salutation with a modest cour- 
 tesy, but became so confused and agitated as I pressed her 
 hand, that, unable to resist the temptation, I stole a kiss 
 ere she was conscious of my intention. " It is not kind 
 of you, sir,'' she said, in a half chiding whisper; "you 
 must not do it again." And she set her black eye upon 
 me, inc[uiringly, and artlessly raised her apron, as if to 
 wipe away the blushes. Fain would I have pressed her 
 to my bosom, and beseeched her to regard me as a brother. 
 But her face suddenly became lighted up with a smile, and 
 such was the perfection of its beauty that to me it seemed 
 created ouly for an angel. I asked myself if there was on 
 earth any thing I could aspire to with so much gallantry 
 as her love ; nor could I suppress the thought, that he who 
 would betray it was unworthy even of the devil. 
 
 Bessie quickly regained her temper, and as if suddenly 
 recalling something to mind, began prattling to me in the 
 most artless mannei'. " Just think, sir," said she, " what 
 a disturbance there is in town this morning." And she 
 laid her hand gently upon my arm. " That queer man 
 they call the major, and who is thought half fool and half 
 philosopher, has got back ; and there's alwaj'S such a time 
 in town when he comes. And, don't you think, he has 
 brought an audacious pig with him. And the pig has 
 gone to work (they say, sir, that he is possessed of a devil) 
 and broke into poor Elder Boomer's fowl yard, and eat up 
 all his chickens. And the brute does such queer things ! 
 As for the poor elder, God knows he has a hard enough 
 time to live. He only gets five hundred dollars a year, 
 and what the sewing circle does for him. Only last week 
 the circle gave him new dresses for all his family, and a. 
 
SUBSEQUENT EVENTS. HI 
 
 nice three-ply carpet, which I made for him. I forgot to 
 tell you, too, that about a month since the circle gave him 
 a new set of dimity bed curtains, and two marseilles quilts ; 
 and now they will have to make him up the loss of his 
 chickens. Just think of it, sir ! And he's such a good 
 old man, and preaches such good sermons. I do wish, you 
 could hear him once, sir." Here Bessie paused to take 
 breath. I assured her that he must be a fortunate man 
 who had such lips to speak bis praises. At which she gave 
 me a rogueish look, blushed, and tossed her head reprov- 
 ingly. Nothing, I replied, would give me so much pleas- 
 ure, especially did she bear me company, as to attend tlie 
 elder's church ; but, however strong my inclinations, they 
 could not now be gratified, for the imperative nature of 
 my mission left me but one or two days to tarry in Barn- 
 stable. This caused her feelings some disquiet ; but with 
 great good sense she changed the subject of conversation, 
 and commenced giving me a detailed account of the va- 
 rious kind acts performed by the sewing circle, of which 
 she was a member, and which was chiefly made up of 
 worthy ladies, who sought out the needy and relieved 
 their wants, knowing that charity well bestowed is recorded 
 in heaYeu. 
 
 The sewing circle exercised a sort of paternity over all 
 cases of distress, and according to Bessie, never withheld 
 relief, except when the object requiring it was given to 
 strong drink. In truth, it was held that something must 
 be done for all persons in distress; and so many were the 
 poor foreign families moving into town, that it was seldom 
 the circle had not its hands full. As to the provision pro- 
 hibiting strong drink, it was found at times to work some- 
 what inconveniently, inasmuch as most of the objects of 
 charity, (the clergy excepted, ) liked a little ; and being 
 of foreign birth they could always find the means to get 
 
142 ABVEXTL'KES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 it, though thej generally swore they had not wherewith 
 to get a penny loaf. 
 
 " And what is worse," resumed Bessie, recurring to the 
 mischievous pig, " as if it wasn't enough that the elder 
 lost all his chickens, but some evil-minded people must go 
 and get into the church, and put a coop full of poor little 
 fowls on the pulpit. O ! there's such an ado about it 
 over town ! " 
 
 It being the custom of the country to breakfast at seven 
 o'clock, and that hour having arrived, a man in a blue 
 smock frock issued from a side door, (Bessie vaulted up 
 the hall as he entered,) and commenced ringing a bell in 
 60 loud a manner that I verily thought he would alarm 
 the whole neighborhood. An opening of doors, and a 
 general movement for the dining room, a long, simply fur- 
 nished, but exquisitely clean apartment, was now made. 
 A table covered with linen of snowy whiteness, and set 
 out with great good taste, ranged up the center of the 
 room ; and we sat down to a breakfast of steak, and ham, 
 and eggs, and cold chickens, and fish balls, and hot rolls, 
 and corn cakes, and brown bread — all prepared so nice 
 and delicately, that even the most fastidious could have 
 found nothing to grumble at. Indeed it was said of the 
 the landlord of the " Independent Temperance," that he 
 spared neither pains nor expense in the management 
 of his house, which had gained much fame over the 
 country, though it had thrice made him a bankrupt 
 with three score of creditors, who were always readj' 
 to say wiclied things of him. Some people said if 
 the temperance society would only let him have his way, 
 he would pay, and no thanks to anybody'. 
 
 Bessie, and two trimly dressed maidens of riper years, 
 waited upon the guests, nor thought the occupation be- 
 meaning. And so nimble were their movements, and so 
 
SUBSEQUENT EVENTS. 143 
 
 gentle iho manner in which they dispensed their courte- 
 sies, that I began to regret my bachelorhood, and to wish 
 all male attendants exiled to Nantucket, where their ha- 
 bitual unclean condition would find a welcome among the 
 whalemen. 
 
 I had well nigh dispatched my breakfast, when there 
 arose a loud noise, as of voices in dispute, in the bar-room. 
 Bessie began to tremble from head to ,foot, and to turn 
 pale. " You must give u]i lie pig, or stand the chances — 
 now mind that ! " said a \ u ce which I at once recognized 
 as that of the renowned Major Potter. 
 
 " Heaven knows I am a man of peace ; but you must 
 make good the loss I have suffered. All this trouble and 
 mischief is done by the audacious brute you have brought 
 into the town. You go out for good, and always come 
 home bringing the town trouble. I have warned you of 
 the error of your ways. But since you take not heed, we 
 shall see what virtue there is in the Squire." This was 
 said in a more modified tone of voice. Bessie said that it 
 was the voice of Elder Boomer. 
 
 " You needn't think you are such a treasure ! The 
 town can get along well enough without you. By my mili- 
 tary reputation, if I don't think all this ado about the 
 poor pig is a trick to get the advantage of a neighbor you 
 imagine hasn't got as good alien upon heaven as yourself. 
 Now, good man, do you take the safest plan, give the ani- 
 mal up to its owner, and trust to heaven for the price of 
 the chickens, for it is' written somewhere, that peace 
 makers, being blessed, should not be peace breakers — " 
 
 " To quarrel is not my desire, " interrupted the elder • 
 " for such would not become me, who have no experience 
 in arms ; but I enjoin you to give up the life you are liv- 
 ing, and so turn your energies to Christ's truth, that you 
 may become worthy of heaven." 
 
l-±4 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 " Heaven has nothing to do with my pig! " rejoined the 
 major. " Nor do I think this talking of heaven, while 
 keeping him in bondage, will amount to much. Come 1 
 turn him out, be a christian, practice what you preach, 
 and trust to heaven for the reward, as you would have me 
 do!" To this the elder replied somewhat testily, that he 
 would keep the animal fast locked up until the damages 
 were settled, notwithstanding his faith in future rewards 
 was in nowise shaken. I entered the bar room and found 
 the major thrusting his hands into the huge pockets of his 
 trowsers, walking round the elder, who was a man of meek 
 aspect, and singularly lean of figure. Then canting his 
 head with an air of self complacency, he enjoined the el- 
 der not to separate his works from his faith. 
 
 No sooner had the major caught a glance of me, than 
 he approached, saluted me as became his military rank, 
 and drew me aside to show me how handsomely the Pat- 
 riot had recorded his arrival. This done, he commenced 
 recounting the causes of his dispute with the parson, who 
 would every few minutes speak up, and dispute the truth 
 of his assertion, which so displeased the major, that had 
 the parson been a fighting man, he would have challenged 
 him to mortal combat, as it is called. As it was, he con- 
 tented himself with getting in a passion, and swearing to 
 have revenge, though it cost him six years' separation from 
 liis wife, Polly Potter. 
 
 Although famous for his disregard of truth, the major 
 affected never to have his word disputed, and was at all 
 times ready to draw his sword in its defence. "Heaven, 
 as you know, knows all things, sir," said he, addressing 
 himself to me ; " and it knows me incapable of doing a 
 dishonorable act. And therefore I say to you, for I hold 
 it an honor and no disgrace to be a politician, that if you 
 will hear patiently the cause of my dispute with this par- 
 
SUBSEQUENT EVENTS. 115 
 
 son, I will accept your decision in the matter as final. But', 
 heaven save the mark ! use your judgment a little, sir, 
 and be not like some of our judges, who seek to please 
 those who promise most, and having little virtue, ask you to 
 accept their good advice in excuse for their evil example." 
 The major having said this with an air of conciliation, 
 gave his head a significant toss, and his trowsers, which 
 had got loose about his hips, a few twitches into place. 
 
 It now came to the parson's turn to speak. He shook 
 his head at first, and was not a little reluctant about ac- 
 ceding to such terms ; but on being assured of my posi- 
 tion as a politician, who had done so much for Cape Cod, 
 and the hard cider campaign, he resolved to accept my 
 decision as final. Meanwhile, the major had screwed up 
 his courage, and was making a circle round the parson, 
 and loudly calling upon the landlord to bear witness that 
 it had been his motto through life to wrong no man. 
 
 Numerous idlers had by this time gathered round the 
 disputants, each giving his opinion on the merits of the 
 question, and ofiering to back it up with dollars or drinks, 
 Indeed, some of the opinions delivered by them were 
 quite as profound as any delivered by our City Justices, 
 and indeed discovered a superior sense of prudence. But it 
 soon became evident that popular opinion was on the side of 
 the major and his pig. And popular opinion was right, 
 the major said, and ought to be respected all over the 
 world. At this juncture of affairs, the lean figure of the 
 nonresistant, (who was sure not to be far off when there 
 was any chance of a disturbance,) stood in the doorway, 
 and immediately engaged in the dispute. " I have not 
 come (heaven knows I have not !) to give an opinion ; but 
 as I am here, it may be as well so to do, for heaven knows 
 I am a man of peace, which it is my mission to preserve." 
 The nonresistant was here interrupted by the major, who 
 7 
 
146 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 squared up to him with clenched fists, and bid him begone, 
 or he would make splinters of him in a trice. The man, 
 however, was not daunted by such threats, and getting his 
 choler up, told the major he verily believed him to be a 
 mixture of Jew and Celt, and as such, always more ready 
 to talk than fight. He then told the parson, that although 
 he held him in no very high favor, he would hint for his 
 own sake, that he could in no way get the better of his 
 enemy so well as by releasing the pig from custody, and 
 delivering him into the hands of his owner, saying : 
 " ' Neighbor, prudence being the twin brother of peace, and 
 both being acceptable to heaven, I have thought it well 
 to restore thee thy pig, that thou mayest comfort him. 
 He has eaten up my chickens, it is true, and he has other- 
 wise done me gi-ievous harm; but I freely forgive him, 
 seeing that heaven made him a brute. Thou mayest take 
 care of him ; do for him what seemeth good; and know 
 that as a christian I bear thee no malice. Let the good 
 offset the evil, and I will trust in heaven to repair tlie loss 
 I have suffered.' " 
 
 The nonresistant held that kindness was of itself so 
 great a weapon, that it would incite generosity in the 
 major — in a word, that he would give all his tin ware, 
 with old Battle thrown in, rather than let such goodness 
 suffer. But the major was not so easily seduced, and, 
 calling the nonresistant a miscreant, he again hid him 
 begone, or be would hasten his exit with the toe of his 
 boot. On assenting to sit in judgment on the case in dis- 
 pute, I took the precaution to stipulate that peace be 
 preserved, and that the one should keep his lips sealed 
 while the other was making his statement. But the par- 
 son commenced his statement by declaring the pig to be 
 possessed of the devil ; indeed it could not be otherwise, 
 he said, since the strange antics it performed, and which 
 
SUBSEQUENT EVENTS. 147 
 
 he minutely described, Ijetrayed a desire in liim only to do 
 evil. This the major immediately rose to dispute ; and 
 thrusting his hands into the ample pockets of his breeches, 
 he declared with great emphasis, that he would not hear 
 a word said against the pig's morals and sagacity, seeing 
 that he had been reared and educated in the care of the 
 clergy. In truth, he had given out so many proofs of rare 
 sagacity, that the major stated it as his intention to 
 ppeedily proceed with him to New York, there to have 
 his " Life and Times" written by the erudite Easley, who 
 was said to be strangely profound as a critic, in which 
 capacity he wrote for three newspapers, and read for three 
 or more publishers, all of whom where celebrated for not 
 selling less than one hundred thousand copies of every 
 work to which they affixed their imprint, though it was 
 said of them that they had thrown to the public no end 
 of literary carrion, which Easley had praised. 
 
 Order being restored, the major gave way to the par- 
 son, who closed his case by asserting that his poverty en- 
 titled him to compensation. The major now rose, and 
 with considerable clearness, set forth the fact, that no 
 evidence had been produced to show either that the 
 pig was disposed to evil, or that he had devoured a single 
 chicken. Feathers were scattered round, but feathers 
 might have been laid there as a blind by some rascal who 
 had divers evil designs against the hen roosts of his neigh- 
 bors. Christians ought always, the major contended, to 
 take a generous view of things before they couched the 
 fatal spear. Again, there was neighbor Kimball's pet fox, 
 an arrant rascal, who was known to have a strange pen- 
 chant for young cliickens, and had committed depreda- 
 tions enough to consign him to the gallows. 
 
 The above view of the case somewhat modified the 
 parson's temper, and as he would not have those present 
 
14S ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 tbiuk Lim less than a Christian gentleman, who would 
 rather go supperless to hed than wrong his fellow, he, in 
 the blandest manner, begged them not to think for a mor 
 ment that he intended wrong. So, with great sanctity of 
 countenance, he laid his hand upon his heart, called Om- 
 nipotence to witness that he bore the major no ill will, and 
 was ready to atone for aught he bad said damaging to his 
 feelings. And this display of repentance well nigh dis- 
 solved the major into tears. The disputants now shook 
 hands, and swore eternal friendship. The major bowed, 
 and placed his hand to his heart ; and the parson bowed, 
 and placed his hand to his heart ; and thus was I relieved 
 from rendering a verdict, which most likely would have 
 pleased neither. It was likewise intimated to the parson, 
 that the sewing circle would make good his loss, with 
 fourfold interest, which consoled him much. Together then 
 the two friends, without further ceremony, set out to re- 
 lease the animal from bondage, congratulating one another 
 that they had been wise enough to keep out of the hands 
 of lawyers. On arriving at the parson's yard, to which 
 they were followed by a crowd of idlers, they were not a 
 little surprised to find that the pig had taken his departure, 
 having first beaten the dog in a fair fight, and twice driven 
 the kitchen maid frightened into the house. Great anxiety 
 was now manifested to see an animal of such rare qualities; 
 and on further search being made, he was discovered in 
 neighbor Kimball's yard, fraternizing with his pet fox, 
 and otherwise conducting himself so unbecomingly, as to 
 make it evident that the friends of free love had inducted 
 him into the mysteries of their system. In truth, he bore 
 no small resemblance to a few of the disciples of that very 
 accommodating system, for he was lean of figure, had a 
 long, narrow head, and a vacant look out of the eyes. 
 " Duncan ! my own Duncan ! " ejaculated the major, his 
 
SUBSEQUENT EVENTS. 149 
 
 broad face flushed with joy. The animal raised his snout, 
 gave a significant grunt, and ceasing his caressings, ran 
 to his master, a double curl in his tail. Having got pos- 
 session of his property, the major returned thanks within 
 himself, invoked a blessing on the head of the parson, 
 whom he cursed in his heart, and set out for home, fol- 
 lowed by hispig and a score of mischievous boys, making 
 the very air resound with their hootings. 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF WHAT WAS DONE WITH THE PIG ; 
 AND ALSO OF THE LECTURE ON CRABBE, BY GILES 
 SHERIDAN, AND VARIOUS THINGS. 
 
 When Major Roger Potter reached his home, he found 
 his wife Polly waiting with eager desire to see the animal 
 he had so vividly described. " Pray to God, dear Polly," 
 said he, embracing and kissing his wife, as the mischievons 
 boys set up a loud yell, " for our pig is safe, and in him 
 there is a fortune, which you shall share, and he comforted." 
 And having consigned the animal to the care of his wife, 
 who, although a strong minded woman in her way, looked 
 at first with no little distrust on the animal, but became 
 favorably impressed on seeing him cut certain curious 
 capers round the room. Indeed she soon began to con- 
 gratulate herself on the possession 4)f so rare a ci'eature, 
 and to invoke certain ills on the head of the parson for 
 holding him so tight in his fingers. " Peace, dear Polly," 
 enjoined the major, "for goodness belongs to our kind. 
 The nonresistant was right, (and right should have its 
 right,) when he advised me to use goodness as the most 
 eifectual weapon to demolish an adversary. It becomes 
 me, as it does all good christians, to reverence and adore 
 the Church ; but I own it is not in me to reverence those 
 priests and deacons who affect to regale your palate with 
 truth, while splitting God's goodness into fragment.s, merely 
 to please those who have a terrible thirst to get to heaven 
 over a road no one else travels." 
 [150] 
 
ON VARIOUS MATTERS. 151 
 
 " As to that, my dear husband," responded tlie earnest 
 woman, " I cannot be a judge. But a major as famous as 
 yourself, should be careful how he mixes glory with his 
 profanity ; lest the public, whose servant he is, set it down 
 against him, and use it to his injury on election day." 
 
 " Truly, wife," rejoined the major, assuming an air of 
 great self-complacency, " we military politicians had needs 
 keep our wits whetted, and be careful how much honey 
 we mix with the brimstone. But I must go look up my 
 chickens; and if the devil, as some say, regulates the future 
 affairs of politicians, we may safely leave our enemies to 
 him." The good woman now brought food for the pig, 
 when, having devoured it with a keen appetite, the major, 
 in order to test his various talents, put him to a severe 
 examination. It was found that he could perform with 
 wonderful agility numerous gymnastic feats, such as jump- 
 ing backward and forward, walking and vaulting upon 
 his hinder legs, and keeping time to certain tunes. He 
 could also distinguish between certain figures and letters 
 of the alphabet, to the latter of which he would, when 
 directed, point with his nose. Like some of our New 
 York politicians, the pig was a wondrous animal in various 
 ways. In fine, so extraordinary was his talent, that, as I 
 have before said, the major resolved at once to proceed 
 with him to one of our great cities, where first rate talent, 
 whether of pigs or tragedians, was sure to find apprecia- 
 tion. But before this could be carried out, it was necessary 
 that the services of Monsieur Pensine, who gave lessons in 
 politeness to youths just entering society, be engaged to cul- 
 tivate and so polish his manners as to render him an accept- 
 able member of the Union Club, under the patronage of 
 which institution, (generally supposed to have been estab- 
 lished for the cultivation of effeminacy and other vices, 
 common to the Dutch of New York,) he wfts sure to be- 
 
152 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 come a lion. Monsieur Pensine had figured in New York ; 
 was an exile of unquestionable nobility ; and if we can trust 
 the Tribune, a journal in high favor with foreign counts, a 
 hero of enlarged celebrity. 
 
 And now the sagacious animal, fatigued with the labors 
 of his examination, evinced an inclination to sleep, and to 
 that end sought a distant corner of the room. " We must 
 treat him tenderly, dear Polly, for he has wonderful in- 
 stincts," said the major, casting a look of endearing sym- 
 pathy at the animal The good woman pledged her word 
 not to be found wanting. Indeed, so well did she appre- 
 ciate the instincts, and even the tastes of the animal, that, 
 having at hand a stray copy of the New York Express, 
 and another of a very rare but no less wonderful journal, 
 called the Mirror, (whose editor was famous for the im- 
 mense amount of light and shade he threw into liis finan- 
 cial operations,) she spread them jipon the floor for his 
 bed. And with an evident fellow feeling for those worth}' 
 journals, the animal coiled himself down, casting an ap- 
 proving look at the good woman as she covered him with 
 an aged copy of the Herald. Seeing the animal thus 
 reconciled, the major declared, that so pure a native Amer- 
 ican as Duncan could not have selected bed more appro- 
 priate, though he was not quite sure how the Express editors 
 would regard the matter. Indeed, he was not quite sure 
 that they would not, feeling sorely grieved, dig up Dun- 
 can's ancestors, and thereby find a means of damaging his 
 character. 
 
 As the precious animal calmly went to sleep, the major 
 sallied out, having first drawn his sword to disperse the 
 noisy boys who had gathered about his door, and who 
 hurled no few missiles at his head before they were routed. 
 He then set out for the church, where he had an alterca- 
 tion with the sexton, which had resvilted in blows but for 
 
ON VARIOUS MATTEES. 153 
 
 his courage giving out. Twice he lost his temper, and 
 twice he regained it. He at length got into the church, 
 in search of his chickens ; and to his great surprise and 
 mortification, found that some political or military enemy 
 (he would swear it was no one else) had broken his coop, 
 and set them loose among the pews. Indeed it was high 
 noon when the major got possession of his fowls, which 
 he did with tlie aid of the sexton and several mischievous 
 boys. He then secured them nicely in his coop, and hav- 
 ing shouldered it, returned to his wife, presenting her with 
 another proof of the success of his voyage, and relating 
 how he got the advantage of Mrs. Trotbridge in the trade 
 of the Shanghais. After which he seated himself in a 
 chair, and for several minutes seemed absorbed in deep 
 stiidj'. " Now, I tell thee, my dear Polly," he suddenly 
 broke out, "Major Potter was born for no ordinary man. 
 My enemies can inflict no injuries that will discourage me, 
 for I have got scars enough, heaven knows ; and. scars are 
 the proofs of a brave soldier. Major Potter never ran 
 from an enemy ! And that is something for a man to say 
 who has been in the Mexican war. It was, as yon know, 
 by the merest slip in the world that I did not succeed to 
 fortune the two last times I was in public life. And, dear 
 Polly, I have now a better chance than ever, having fallen 
 in with a great politician in search of fame. By joining 
 our fortunes I will so manage it as to get the better of 
 my enemies ; and with a little aid from my friends of the 
 newspapers, you will .yet see me in power. I am a man 
 of valor, 1 mix but little honey with my brimstone ; and let 
 my enemies say what they will, take my word for it, you 
 shall yet see youi-self the wife of a foreign minister." 
 
 " As to your valor, dear husband," returned his affection- 
 ate wife, " no one ever doubted it who knew you ; and though 
 there is nothing I so much covet as to be the wife of a foreign 
 7* 
 
154 ADVENTURES OF SCAJOR POTTER. 
 
 minister, and to move among great people abroad, and 
 talk about it when I get home, our family is growing up, 
 and need all we can earn to get them bread. And as they 
 might become a town tax, while you were getting the 
 oiHce, perhaps we had better thank heaven, and remain 
 humble folks until we can get to be fine ones without 
 being sneered at." 
 
 " Indeed, Poll^'," said the major, in reply, " if any such 
 mishap should befall you while I am gone, you must pray 
 heaven, and get along as well as you can until I send 
 relief. It is noble to struggle on and wait for the reward, 
 ■which always comes." The good woman heard these 
 words with tears in her eyes, and began to tax her resolu- 
 tion for means to meet the emergency; for she saw clearly 
 that the major had got a freak into his head, and was 
 •about to give up the business of peddling tin ware, at 
 which he made an honest living, and again lead the vaga- 
 bond life of a politician. 
 
 And while this colloquy was proceeding between the 
 major and his wife, I had taken a seat in the reading- 
 room of the " Independent Temperance," where Giles Sher- 
 idan, the little deformed man, was nervously pacing the 
 floor, and pausing every few minutes either to give me a 
 few random sketches of his career in the world, or to mut- 
 ter his misgiving at the result of his lecture on Crabbe. In 
 truth, he had been waited upon several times during the 
 morning by persons regarded by the town as famous for 
 their great learning, all of whom said, if he had chosen a 
 subject less remote, they would have guaranteed a large 
 house ; as it was, they were not quite so sure of the re- 
 sult. Soon the dapper figure of Bessie appeared in the 
 room. '' Please, sir," she said, as her cheeks crimsoned 
 with blushes, " they say you came into town with that 
 queer man thej* call Major Potter?" 
 
ON VARIOUS MATl'EHS. 155 
 
 "And wliat of that, my child?" I replied, as another 
 sentence trembled upon her lips, which were as tempting 
 as ripe cherries. 
 
 " Why, sir," she lisped, "you must know that although 
 he now and then talks like a sensible man, he is set down 
 for a great fool. He affords a deal of amusement for the 
 boys, and never comes home but what he keeps the whole 
 town in an uproar. Being a great fool is what got him 
 elected Major of the Invincibles. And then he fancies 
 himself a great politician, and goes about the country de- 
 Ifvering lectures, as he calls them, and leaves his family 
 to starve. Proceed no farther with him ; for I heard our 
 minister say (and he never profanes his calling) that the 
 devil had run away with his brains. He is always talk- 
 ing about his valor, and his military dignity ; but his poor 
 distressed wife can tell you all about that.'' She was 
 proceeding to say much more, but was interrupted by the 
 appearance of the major, who, as he said, came to say, 
 that as his wife was sick of a fever, and the house in a 
 somewhat disordered condition, I must excuse his not giv- 
 ing me an invitation to dine with him. He hoped, how- 
 ever, that sufiScient proof had been given to convince me 
 of the high estimation in which he was held by Barn- 
 stable in general. " Pardon what I may have said ex- 
 travagant of myself, sir. The rabble, you know, are 
 always ready to get down a man of genius, and to mis- 
 construe his acts ; but the thinking never fail, as they 
 have done with me, to give merit its due." Having said 
 this with refreshing self complacency, the major turned to 
 Giles Sheridan, (Bessie had left the room,) and as if to 
 add to his discomfiture, told him he had little to expect 
 from his lecture on Crabbe, of whom it was said that he 
 could not be much of a poet, since the people of Barn- 
 
156 ADVEis^TUEES OF MAJOK I'OTTEE. 
 
 stable knew so little of him. Indeed he offered to wager 
 two dozen tin pints, a Shanghai chicken, and his military 
 honor with the little deformed man, that he would give an 
 exhibition with his pig, whose wonderful qualifications had 
 already got noised over town, and attract a greater audi- 
 ence. Indeed, as I have resolved never to swerve from 
 the truth in this history, it must be here acknowledged 
 that the pig had become quite as famous as his master. 
 
 The little deformed man was in nowise pleased with 
 such a comparison of his acquirements, and answered by 
 saying, it did not become him to hold argument with a man, 
 however high his military position, who would place genius 
 in the scale with brute instinct. Seeing the pain he had 
 caused the little man, the major said he meant no offence, and 
 was ready to get upon his knees, dissolved in tears, if that 
 were necessary to a good and sufficient apology. In fine, it 
 must be said of the major, that, although he was at times 
 emphatic in his eccentric declarations, he would not know- 
 ingly wound the feelings of those who had done him no 
 harm. And, unlike some editors of New York newspa- 
 pers, he always held himself accountable according to the 
 strictest military rules, nor was he ever known to regard 
 the character of his fellow in arms as of so little worth, 
 that he would daily splinter it for the amusement of the 
 public. 
 
 The major said he had come to see if I was comfortable, 
 and to inform me that he had thrown the editor of the 
 Patriot a sly hint about noticing the arrival of so distin- 
 guished a person as myself. And the editor had assured 
 liim it would be properly recorded in his columns, and so 
 embroidered as to make it pleasant to his fancy. The major 
 now took leave of me, satisfied withinhimseif of having con- 
 vinced me that he was a man of stupendous parts. I 
 
ON VARIOUS MATTERS. ' 157 
 
 inust not forget to say that he promised to call again, and 
 be present at the lecture in the evening, inasmuch as his 
 absence could not fail to be seriously felt. 
 
 Night came on, and with it there gathered into the lec- 
 ture room of the Orthodox Church, an audiencie of many 
 bonnets and much respectability. Proverbially incLuisi- 
 ■tive, the people of the good old town of Barnstable were 
 on tip-toe, to see the man of whoso curious figure they 
 had heard so much. And as if to gratify their curiosity, 
 Giles Sheridan now rose, frisked the little black scroll 
 about in his fingers, wiped the sweat nervously from his 
 brow, and, in a faltering voice, gave an interesting sketch 
 •of the early life of his darling poet. This he continued 
 for more than an hour, now warming into eloquence, now 
 subsiding into a low, desponding voice. But his hearers 
 sat unmoved, nor was one hand of applause raised to cheer 
 his too misgiving heart. They wondered, and listened, 
 and looked at one another, as was the custom of the coun- 
 try. The little deformed man, however, took it as a proof 
 that he had failed to interest them ; and this sorely taxed 
 his sensitive nature. I ought also not to forget to men- 
 tion that the speaker was twice intex-rupted by the major, 
 who begged that he would state the exact quality of 
 poetry written by his friend, the poet. The audience 
 took this interruption very good naturedly, while the 
 -speaker gratified the major's curiosity by reciting a num- 
 ber of verses written by him. The major then said he was 
 fully satisfied that this Mr, Orabbe must have been a great 
 poet ; but he thought if the speaker had known one Ser- 
 geant Milton, who wrote poetry in honor of the regiment 
 he was major of during the Mexican war, he would not 
 liave set Mr. Crabbe on so high a horse. Indeed, accord- 
 ing to what the major said, this Sergeant Milton was the 
 imost wonderful poet that ever sung of the Mexican War ; 
 
158 ADVENTURES OF IIAJOB POTTEK. 
 
 and in addition to the gift of being a versifier, he was 
 celebrated for brewing an excellent whiskey punch, with- 
 out which no poet could hope for prosperity in New York, 
 where punch begat poetry, and foul linen seemed insepa- 
 rable from poets. 
 
 The speaker smiled at the major's quaint remarks con- 
 cerning his friend, Sergeant Milton. But such was the 
 failure he fancied himself making, that he would gladly 
 have given the fifteen dollars he was to receive in pay for 
 his lectures, and said not a word about the victuals, to 
 have got quietly out of town. But in truth he had not a 
 shilling in his pocket, and the money he was to receive of 
 the committee constituted the forlorn hope of his future 
 fortunes. So, with a heart overburdened with despon- 
 dency, and an eye made liquid with anxiety, he concluded 
 in a faltering voice, and heaved a sigh. And as no one 
 came forward to congi-atulate him, and the very atmos- 
 phere seemed to partake of the frigidity of the audience, 
 he watched his hearers disperse in silence, frisking his 
 fingers, and wondering if he had made them any wiser on 
 the life of one Crabbe. 
 
 But a silent tongue is no proof of what the heart feels; 
 nor docs the outward demonstration carry with it the 
 stronger appreciation of merit. And so it proved in this 
 instance. It being the custom of the country not to ap- 
 plaud on such occasions, the audience went home to un- 
 bosom its approval, which was of the heartiest kind. On 
 his way home, the little man was joined by an elder of 
 the church, who, seeing his despondency, said unto him : 
 " Permit me to congratulate you, sir, for never was au- 
 dience more interested in a lecture. You did nobly, sir.'' 
 The little man's heart was touched. He grasped the 
 speaker by the hand firmly, and as his enthusiasm broke 
 its bounds, he poured forth his gratitude in a rhapsody of 
 
ON VARIOUS 1L4.TTERS. 159 
 
 tbanks. Indeed, so quickly did the word of consolation 
 reinstate his confidence, that he became like an overjoyed 
 child, and in the innocence of his heart invited the elder 
 home with him, that they might enjoy a punch together. 
 In short, he not only convinced Barnstable that Mr. Crabbe 
 was a great poet, but so enlisted sympathy for himself, that 
 the benevolent ladies of the sewing circle, seeing the 
 dilapidated state of his raiment, made him up a purse, and 
 presented it with an intimation that Warren, the tailor, 
 lived at the corner. I should not forget to mention, that 
 his second and third lectures proved more successful than 
 the first, and that Major Eoger Potter looked in at the 
 " Independent Temperance " to compliment the little de- 
 formed man on the very learned character of his lecture, 
 much of which (so he said) had so deeply interested him, 
 that he had resolved to incorporate it into his next politi- 
 cal speech, which he intended soon to make in opposition 
 to that arch agitator, Thomas Benton, Esq., and which the 
 state of the nation demanded should be done at no very 
 distant day. Having said this, he called me aside, and 
 enjoining me to keep what he said a profound secret, whis- 
 pered what will be related in the next chapter, and took 
 his departure. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF HOW MAJOR ROGER SHERMAN POTTER, 
 SOLELY IN OBEDIENCE TO THE DEMANDS OP THE NA- 
 TION, TURNED A DEAF EAR TO THE REMONSTRANCES OF 
 HIS WIFE POLLY, AND SAILED FOR NEW YORK, TO THE 
 GREAT DELIGHT OP LITTLE BARNSTABLE. 
 
 " Yon will see, sir," whispered the major, putting the 
 ■fore finger of his right hand to his lips, "that my inclination 
 never runs to small things. It quite confounded my wife, 
 Polly, when I revealed to her my intention of complying 
 with your request, and of our setting out tog-ether in search 
 of fame and fortune. But as I have the power of persua- 
 sion pretty largely developed, and am in all quite a phi- 
 losopher, I overcame her objections by telling her you 
 were a sprightly young gentleman, whose political fame 
 and great learning was coupled with the most kind and 
 affectionate disposition. ' Honor, husband,' says she, ' to 
 whom honor is due. I know you have deserved, if you 
 have not yet achieved. But let not your success in office 
 carry away your modesty and humility. And above 
 all, remember to think of us at home, for I have heard it 
 said that politicians let their loves run too free when away 
 from their wives.' Having assured her that I would not 
 forget her admonition, and be careful upon what damsel I 
 let a double look fall, she consented that I might depart 
 a third time, and see what could be done. And I made a 
 VOW never to forget her while the sun of prosperity shone 
 [laoi 
 
THE MAJOR DEPAHTS FOR KKW YORK. IGl 
 
 upon me. Now, if you will just fix tlie time of our departure, 
 you will find me ready. Major Potter, as you have seen, 
 is no small man in Barnstable. Major Potter never comes 
 and goes without being noticed. And if you havn't had 
 proof enough of my popularity, you'll see what an ado 
 there will be made when I leave. Honor, as my -wife 
 Polly says, always awaits them who merit it ; and though 
 a man's modesty will not let him be for ever speaking of 
 himself, I may say it to you, seeing that we are about to 
 join our fortunes, that the people never see me go without 
 a regret. As to my children, I shall give each an admo- 
 nition before I leave ; and as I hope one day to see them 
 enjoying the admiration, as well as the distinction my 
 military reputation will confer upon them, it will be safe 
 to leave the rest to heaven." The major conveyed this 
 information in so quaint a manner that I could not sup- 
 press a smile, though it disclosed a resolution I by no 
 means welcomed. In truth, I had already seen so much 
 of his eccentricities, that. I was hoping our acquaintance 
 would cease in Barnstable. But it now became apparent 
 that he regarded himself not only a necessary item in my 
 welfare, but as being most essential to the achievement of 
 my designs. So, charging me to think no more of Bessie, 
 whom he hinted was as coy a little witch as ever waited 
 on the table of a country tavern, and ready at all times to 
 make love with every dashing young fellow who chanced 
 that way, he took his departure, promising-to call at noun 
 on the next day. 
 
 Having passed the night in refreshing sleep, I was up 
 with the sun on the following morning, and before noon 
 had received the calls of several distinguished citizens, 
 two or three of whom requested that I "remain over," 
 and deliver an address on the state of the nation. Offering 
 roy inability as an apology for not complying with their 
 
162 ADVENTURES OF- MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 request, I was surprised that so obscure a person should 
 receive such homage. The mystery, however, was very 
 soon explained. The major, adopting the method in fash- 
 ion with some of our modern politicians, had been actively 
 noising it about, that no greater politician than myself 
 ever lived ; and that, being on my way to Washington in 
 search of a foreign mission, I had generously invited him to 
 accompany me. The major was indeed building up my 
 reputation with a view to the consolidation of his own. 
 He had also deluded the editor of the Patriot, (who was 
 a man much given to good jokes,) into writing several 
 long articles in compliment of my political achievements, 
 and which were of so serious a style, that the distant 
 reader, unaccustomed to the tricks of editors, must have 
 been grievously misled. And indeed such was the fact, 
 for the political excitement makers of New York had ne 
 sooner seen the article copied into their newspapers, than 
 they set about contriving a plan by which to rob the city 
 treasury of some thousands of dollars, under the pretext 
 of giving me a public reception worthy of the city and so 
 great a man. 
 
 Toward evening, the major made his appearance in the 
 " Independent Temperance," and handing me a copy of 
 the New York Herald, pointed to a letter in its columns, 
 written by one Don Fernando, who it was said hoped soon 
 to be mayor of the city, which office many persons seriously 
 believed had been created for the accommodation of men 
 happily endowed with a fondness for showing their great- 
 ness, which was "the case with the aspiring Don Fernando, 
 whose light was no taper burning in a small space. The 
 letter set forth, with many flourishes, the necess tv for 
 showing proper respect to one so distinguished in the po- 
 litical world. And this the major held to be a significant 
 token of the success that awaited us. He further hinted 
 
THE MAJOR DEPARTS FOR NEW YORK. 163 
 
 that the next thhig we shoukl see would be a resolution 
 introduced at the Board of Common Council, (provided a 
 member could be found sober enough to do it,) to vote a 
 sum of money adequate to the occasion, with an additional 
 clause, that a committee be appointed to carry out the ar- 
 rangements. But why should not a worthy servant of 
 the people be thus honored ? There were those of the 
 honorable council who held it no harm to be liberal in the 
 treatment of distinguished strangers, seeing that it cost 
 them nothing, and might, hy some bare possibility, afford 
 them an opportunity of making a speech, as well as in- 
 dulging a natural passion for free drinks. The major was 
 in ecstasies with the prospect, and now disclosed to me 
 the fact, that he had sold out his stock of tin ware for two 
 hundred dollars, his Shanghai chickens for fifty, and his 
 wagon for ninety, making in all three hundred and forty 
 dollars, two hundred of which he had set apart as peace 
 and comfort money for his wife, Polly, and the balance he 
 had resolved to tuck nicely away in his wallet, to serve in 
 case of emergency. We must take Duncan with us, he 
 said, for be was a pig of wonderful parts, and deformed 
 monstrosities being much in favor in New York, we could 
 make a good thing of exhibiting him, which would save 
 us against the rubs of ill fortune. As to old Battle, he 
 had been his companion in so many wars and tin ware 
 campaigns, that he had resolved also to take him along, 
 though it cost a new pair of saddle-bags. And as the New 
 York politicians were bent on doing him great honor he 
 would no doubt be invited to review the troops, (perhaps 
 be escorted by the Seventh Regiment,) when, as a matter 
 of economy, the animal would serve an excellent purpose ; 
 and, being quite as high in metal as he was in bone, he 
 would no doubt astonish the bystanders with his proud 
 demeanor. 
 
164 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 There was lying in the harbor of Barnstable, bound for 
 New York, a great, broad sterned sloop, called "The 
 Two Marys," commanded by one Luke Snider, who was 
 an old pilot along the coast, and as burly an old sea-dog 
 as ever navigated the Sound. Luke's wife, a lusty wench 
 of some forty summers, accompanied him, as mate and 
 could steer as good a trick as any Tom Marlin that ever 
 stood at a tiller. Indeed, Luke manned the " Two Marys " 
 with his own family, for his two sons, who made up the 
 crew, " went hands before the mast," while the good wife 
 added to the office of mate that of cook. The " Two Ma- 
 rys" was, in addition to her other distinguishing qualities, 
 dignified with the title of " New York Packet," and when 
 in port always kept a sign in her rigging denoting that fact. 
 Indeed, Captain Luke Snider was regarded an extremely 
 sharp fellow by all who knew him, and in addition to 
 having carried on a large trade in onions and watermelons, 
 was a salt water politician of great influence, and could so 
 direct the votes of his fellow craftsmen as to make him in 
 high favor with all candidates for public office. And the 
 major, who had an eye to the future, never let an oppor- 
 tunity to conciliate Luke's friendship slip, and would at 
 times swear by him. And to further demonstrate his 
 friendship for the versatile skipper, he now proposed that 
 we take passage on the " Two Marys," as well for the 
 purpose of disarming our political enemies, who might 
 charge us with presumption did we take a more fashiona- 
 ble conveyance, as to carry out a genuine stroke of politi- 
 cal economy. Feeling that objection would be useless, I 
 consented to leave the matter entirely with him, being 
 satisfied that so great a politician and military hero was a 
 safe person to trust with such arrangements. 
 
 And now the morning of our departure having arrived, 
 the bright aurora was filling the balconies of heaven with 
 
THE MAJOR DKI'AKTS FOB NEW YORK. 165 
 
 golden clouds, and all nature seemed putting on lier gayest 
 attire. Then the sun rose in all its splendor, and not a, 
 cock in town but gave out a crow, nor a dog that was a 
 dog that did not send up a bark, nor a sparrow that didn't 
 get into a tree top and mingle his sweet notes in the cu- 
 rious medley, which the major held to be in honor of his 
 departure, the elements always being on the side of 
 greatness. 
 
 At ten o'clock I took leave of Bessie, having sealed my 
 affections for her with a kiss, and wiped away the tear 
 that hung so touchingly in her eye, as she said in a sub- 
 dued voice, " Perhaps we shall never, never meet again. 
 But if you will not forget me, I will not forget you.'' To 
 which I replied that death only would make me forget 
 her, since there was written in her face loveliness so per- 
 fect, that time could only brighten it in my memory. 
 Again she blushed, and cast upon me such a bewitching 
 look that it almost made me falter in my resolution to leave 
 her behind. And my faltering increased as her warm hand 
 pressed mine, and the words, " Will you write to me, and 
 give relief to one whose thoughts will follow you ? " hung 
 tremblingly upon her lips. But just then I saw what a 
 great soul she had within her, and how when moved she 
 would tread upon that dangerous brink, from which so 
 many launch into a world of woe. I pressed her hand in 
 return, and bade her adieu; promising never to forget her, 
 nor allow another to beguile my fancies, but to be unto her 
 as I felt she would be unto me — the angel of my dreams. 
 
 Hastening on board of the " Two Marys," I was re- 
 ceived with great consideration by Captain Luke Snider, 
 who said he was delighted at the prospect of having so 
 distinguished a passenger, and with no little ceremony in- 
 troduced me to his wife. A gentle wind blew fair, the 
 peak of the " Two Marys' " mainsail hung in lazy folds. 
 
166 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 and the great jib, partly set, flapped every few minutes, 
 as if eager for the great event of the major's arrival, which 
 was waited by an anxious crowd of idlers, who had gath- 
 ered on the wharf, and who were diverting themselves 
 with divers jeers at Captain Snider, of whom it seemed 
 they had no very high opinion. Suddenly a great noise 
 was heard in the distance, and the rotund figure of the 
 major, mounted upon old Battle, and dressed in a slouchy 
 suit of Uxbridge satinet, made his appearance, followed 
 by a mob of boys, hooting and shouting at the very top 
 of their voices. The animal, not at all disturbed by the 
 singular character of the ovation, moved forward at a 
 methodical pace, whilst the major, judging from his ex- 
 treme good humor, was not a little delighted at the honors 
 he imagined were being showered upon him. No sooner 
 did the crowd on the wharf get news of the major's ap- 
 proach, than tliey sent up a deafening shout, and hastened 
 to meet him with so much determination to do him homage, 
 that even old Battle began to prick up his ears. Two mis- 
 chievous urchins now tied a small air balloon to old Battle's 
 tail, while another would every few minutes switch his 
 gambrels with a twig of thorn, and so make him jer'k his 
 hinder legs as nearly to throw the indomitable major over 
 his head. Duncan, the pig, was led by a boy at some 
 distance, and performed his part in the comical programme 
 by keeping up a medley of discordant squeals. And what 
 with the barking of dogs, who seemed to claim a right to 
 take part in the proceedings, and the squealing of pigs, 
 and the loud acclamations of the grotesque throng, one 
 might have set it down as a fact that Little Barnstable was 
 out on a frolic. As to the figure cut by the major, that 
 may be safely left to the reader's fancy. His short legs 
 scarce reached below old Battle's saddle girth ; and, in 
 addition to the slouchy suit of Uxbridge satinet, he wore 
 
■5; 
 
THE MAJOR DEPARTS FOB NEW YORK. 167 
 
 a sliabby white hat, very like that worn by Philosopher 
 Greeley ot\ election days. Never was departure of foreign 
 ambassador attended with such demonstrations, all of 
 which the major viewed as highly complimentary to him 
 as a military politician, living reached the end of the 
 wharf amidst cheers and bravos, the crowd would not 
 permit him to dismount until he had addressed them on 
 the state of the nation. Saying it always gave him 
 great pleasure to gratify the wishes of the people, he 
 faced half round in his saddle, and bowed with an air of 
 great self complacency. Then his broad, red face crim- 
 soned, and his thoughts seemed in his beard, for after 
 stroking and fretting it for some seconds, he spoke as fol- 
 lows : " Fellow-citizens : I am sure I have not merited 
 the great homage bestowed upon me to-day. But that is 
 neither here nor there. Let me enjoin you all to live 
 patriots, avoiding ceremonies and performing sacrifices for 
 your country. And above all, live as good christians, and 
 not as fluttering butterflies, who attract only with the gay 
 color of their plumage while they live and die soon to bo 
 forgotten. And as to the nation itself, why, may the devil 
 get me, (and I'm no friend of his,) if I don't think all that 
 is needed to render it safe, is just to let it alone. Nor 
 would it be much lost if some kindly disposed gentleman 
 would kill off a few score of our Union savers, who, like 
 quack doctors, go about with their pockets full of plasters, 
 and are for ever hunting for the crack in the nation's 
 skull. And I would advise all politicians to spin less 
 patriotic yarns, to be more modest, to learn wisdom, to 
 drink less whiskey ; in truth, to think more of God and their 
 country, and to get them honest godfathers, who will teach 
 them what a sad thing it is to think so much of the na- 
 tion's gold." Having said this, the major stopped sud- 
 denly, and turning in his saddle, caught a glimpse of the 
 
168 ADVENTURES OF MAJOB POTTEK. 
 
 air balloon attached to old Battle's tail, which was making 
 curious gyrations in the air; and seeing the ludicrous figure 
 he was cutting, he called upon all present to aid him in 
 punishing the miscreant who dared, to. offer such an insult 
 to his dignity. But the crowfr only answered with jeers 
 and acclamations, which so increased his anger that he 
 dismounted, and, giving his pig in charge of Captain Sni- 
 der, led old Battle hurriedly on board, cursed them for an 
 unthinking set, and set sail amidst the loud acclamations 
 of the crowd. As the " Two Marys " sped seaward, Polly 
 Potter and her three children were seen waving theii 
 adieus from a neighboring height. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 IN WHICH THE READER IS INFORMED HOW MAJOR ROGER 
 POTTER, IN LOVE OP HIS COUNTRY, AND TO SUSTAIN 
 THE HONOR OF HIS PROFESSION, DISPLAYED HIS COUR- 
 AGE DURING A STORM. 
 
 Not a little disturbed, lest I should distrust the quality 
 of his valor, the major approached me shortly after we had 
 set sail, and having stroked his beard for a few seconds, 
 said : " I do hope, sir, you will not tBink it strange I did 
 not use my sword to avenge the insult offered me by the 
 enemies who mixed up with my friends on the wharf. 
 But I am a man of discretion, and my forbearance was in 
 consideration of my friends, whose bodies might perchance 
 gave got scarred by the blows aimed at my foes. Being 
 a friend and fellow fortune seeker, I need have no scruple 
 in saying to you, that I have always held it an axiom, 
 that all great men husband their valor well, and never use 
 it except with great discretion. In truth, and as I hope 
 to honor the profession to which I belong, it was the ex- 
 ercise of that worthy discretion God implanted in my 
 heart that saved me from two duels, the consequences of 
 which might have been very bloody. I assure you, I 
 have often thought how, if it had been my fate to die in 
 either of those sanguinary contests, my wife Polly would 
 have been left to mourn the loss of a most excellent hus- 
 band and father. And yet I have just been thinking, how 
 nothing in the world would so much please me as to see 
 the ' Two Marys ' engaged in battle with a Sound pirate, 
 8 [169] 
 
170 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEH. 
 
 for then it -would afford me an opportunity of letting you 
 see a little of the courage that distinguished me when at 
 the head of my regiment in Mexico." 
 
 The "Two Marys" was an exceedingly formidable 
 craft, and very safe in a seaj of which Captain Luke Sni- 
 der, fashioning after those who build very bad steamers 
 for a very good natured government, never failed to boast. 
 Indeed, the " Two Marys," like several of our best boasted 
 war steamers, was not blessed with a capacity for speed, 
 and had only made forty miles' distance in three days, 
 which fact was ascertained by the log Luke's wife kept 
 with a piece of chalk on the top of the companion slide. 
 
 It was on the afternoon of the third day, then, that there 
 arose a terrible storm. The wind was in the'south-west, and 
 with a pelting rain, the sea rose into such angry waves as 
 to threaten serious consequences to all on board, and more 
 especially to old Battle, who had quarters near the wind- 
 lass bits, to which he was tied, and where, notwithstanding 
 the major's constant solicitude, he became so lean of frame 
 that a speedy dissolution was seriously apprehended. And 
 this great event, so disastrous to the major's future pros- 
 pects, would have been welcomed by Captain Luke, of 
 whose deck he M'as making sad havoc, and who had twice 
 been heard to say he was only a pack of useless bones, whose 
 life would be better saved by his being thrown overboard. 
 The major overhearing this, was not a little wounded in 
 his pride, for he set great store by old Battle, and declared 
 him an inseparable part of his fortunes. 
 
 And now, while the " Two Marys " bowed her head to 
 the sea, and shook her great jib in the face of the wind, 
 old Battle swung to and fro, and could with great difBculty 
 keep his feet, while his legs were' so swollen, that it re- 
 quired some effort to use them. The major attributed the 
 largeness of old Battle's legs to a rheumatic gout he was 
 
MAJOR potter's COURAGE. 171 
 
 at times troubled with; and which went far to show that 
 he was a horse of good constitutiuii, who had been reared 
 in the care of a christian gentleman of rank. 
 
 "While there the animal stood shivering in the pelting 
 storm, presenting as forlorn a figure as could well be imag- 
 ined, the major descended into the cabin, and soon re- 
 turned, bringing with him his shattered saddle and hol- 
 sters, and with an air that indicated an amount of courage 
 almost incalculable, soon had it girthed upon his favorite 
 animal. This done, he demanded the animal to stand firm, 
 and, with a self confident toss of the head, mounted, to the 
 great surprise of all who witnessed so curious an act of 
 daring. He then braced himself in his saddle, and com- 
 menced to look defiant in the " teeth " of the gale. He 
 had not, however, remained long in this position, when a 
 sharp sea struck the "Two Marys," causing her to lurch 
 to starboard, and prostrating old Battle broadside upon the 
 deck. Nor did the sea, which was mightier than the ma- 
 jor, vouchsafe the slightest respect for him, inasmuch as 
 it sent him head foremost against the knight heads, and 
 with so much force, that, had not his f.kull been thicker 
 than an ordinary bombshell, there was no telling how 
 many fragments liad been made of it. As the matter now 
 stood, it only added another proof to the many instances 
 in which warriors owe the preservation of their lives to 
 the thickness of their skulls. " I commend my soul to 
 heaven, and call all present to bear witness that I die for- 
 giving my enemies," spoke, or rather groaned the major, 
 as his left hand rubbed convulsively over his haunches, 
 and he cast an imploring look upward at those who had 
 gathered about him to render succor. One of the sailors 
 now picked him up in his arms, and laid him upon the 
 tarpaulin of the main hatch, when, certain restoratives 
 having been applied by Luke's wife, he soon began to 
 
172 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTEK. 
 
 scratch his head, and exhibit such other signs of animation 
 as made it certain the country would not be deprived of 
 his services just yet. Nor was it many minutes after he 
 had given out such strong proofs of his willingness to meet 
 death, when he looked piteously up at the good woman, 
 and begged her to get to his- poor beast, who was groan- 
 ing loudly in his distresses, and render him such relief as 
 his case demanded. 
 
 Great efforts were now made to raise the poor animal 
 from his perilous position, which great work, to the no 
 small joy of the major, was effected by putting the "Two 
 Marys " on the other tack. Old Battle now shook the water- 
 from his mane, and as if to .thank his deliverers, gave out 
 a loud neigh. And so suddenly did this bring the major to 
 his feet, in the full possession of his senses, that he set about 
 thanking heaven for its kind intei-position in saving him 
 and his horse to his country, which now stood in such great 
 danger of being dissolved into fragments, that his whole 
 energies would be required to save it. Another thankful 
 look cast upon those about him, and he spake and said it 
 was, after all, but an interposition of Providence, merely 
 for the purpose of showing how many trials great politi- 
 cians had to overcome, and how necessary it was that they 
 have heads like New Hampshire oak. And while the docile 
 animal did penance in the teeth of the pelting stoi-m, the 
 major, his legs seetning to have sliortened with the fall, 
 staggered aft, and approaching me with a confidential air, 
 said : " I respect the great reputation you have made, 
 young man. And I think you will admit that it required 
 no small amount of valor even to attempt such a feat as 
 you have just witnessed. I have read many histories of 
 great men, and they were all liable to accidents at times. 
 But if I did not achieve what I undertook, you must bear 
 in mind the fact, which has been established by certain 
 
MAJOR potter's COURAGE. 173 
 
 philosophers who write in Putnam's Magazine, that the 
 terrors of war are nothing to the terrors of disgrace and 
 dishonor ; and to face such a sea, mounted upon such a 
 charger, was quite equal to advancing npon the artillery 
 of an enemy. Now, upon my word, I am not so much 
 bruised after all; and as the accident was not from any 
 want of courage in me, I will presently give you an op- 
 portunity of seeing what sort of metal Major Potter is 
 made of." Here the major paused as if to regain his 
 thoughts, and thrust his hands into the ample pockets of 
 his trowsers. Suddenly he remembered that he had re- 
 mounted without a bridle, to which strange oversight he 
 charged all that had happened. " Some look upon the 
 good fortunes of others only to bewail their own condition 
 in life, but such never was my course. I hold fame a 
 golden treasure, which diligence can unlock, notwithstand- 
 ing what is said by our great men of the little newspapers, 
 who, like slighted lovers, always have a portfolio filled 
 with mournful complaints against the world in general, 
 especially if it mind its own business, and seem inclined to 
 peace." The major concluded these remarks, for which 
 Captain Luke Snider was inclined to set him down as not 
 so shallow pated after all, and hastened into the cabin, for 
 the storm had somewhat subsided, and brought forth his 
 bridle, which he had on his faithful horse in a trice- 
 " Pray, good friend," said I, " heed well what you do, for 
 a good life saved is worth the reward. And if you should 
 be thrown into the sea, heaven save the mark, what is to 
 become of the nation ? " 
 
 " A man in public life, especially if he have rank in the 
 military, should always prove his valor to those he is 
 called upon to serve ; and as there are many ways of 
 doing it, I have chosen this one as preferable to all others. 
 You must, therefore, shake off your suspicions, and take 
 
174 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 notice of wbat I do, that you may bear testimony of my 
 conrage, whenever you are called upon to do so. I say 
 this, knowing how curiously officious on matters of physi- 
 cal development are the New York politicians, among 
 whom we shall mix, though we must take heed lest, lilie 
 dogs and crows, they fall upon and devour us." He now 
 shrugged his shoulders, and, with an air of resumed cour- 
 age, again mounted his faithful beast, and, heedless of the 
 remonstrances and entreaties of Captain Luke's wife, 
 braced himself firmly in his saddle, drew up the reins, and 
 sat facing the storm until he was drenched to the skin. I 
 now began to fear he would get benumbed, and fulling 
 into the sea become a victim to his courage ; but on ap- 
 proaching him, and appealing to him to desist, assuring 
 him that the country could ill spare so great and wonder- 
 ful a politician, he merely wiped the water from his eyes 
 and declared his determination not to give in, but to con- 
 tinue thus showing the fixedness of his purpose, until the 
 good woman called him to supper.. Fortunately an in- 
 cident happened, which relieved him of the peril in 
 which he had placed himself, in order to sustain what he 
 called the pride and honor of his profession, and it was 
 this : While he was thus valiantly seated in his saddle, 
 cutting so sorry a figure that every parson in the parish 
 would, had he been seen by them, set about offering up a 
 prayer for his soul, there appeared to windward, and bearing 
 directly down upon us, a large brig under full sail. She 
 came dashing on over the sea, and soon it became evident 
 to all on board the " Two Marys" that there was danger 
 of a collision with the stranger, who was a deeply laden 
 Boston packet, speeding on at no less a pace than ten knots 
 an hour. At first, the major affected not to partake of the 
 alarm which had seized upon those on board, and said he 
 rather relished such opportunities of displaying what he 
 
MAJOR potter's COURAGE. 175 
 
 always held to be true manliness ; but as the stranger 
 approached nearer and nearer, nor swerved a hair from 
 her course, the major was seen to cast an anxious look 
 now and then at the companion way, as if he hoped to be 
 abundantly rewarded for his valor by retreating to the 
 cabin. A few minutes more, and the stranger's ponder- 
 ous bows rose majestically over the seas, and bore down 
 upon us with a velocity that threatened destruction to all 
 on board. Being now so near that objects upon her deck 
 were plainly visible, the major took off his hat, and, with 
 quick gestures, commenced making signals for her to keep 
 off. But, as if unconscious of being admonished by so dis- 
 tinguished a major and politician, the stranger varied not 
 a hair from her course, but bounded forward, as if deter- 
 mined to come athwart of the " Two Marys," to the ruin 
 of Captain Luke Snider and his good wife. Seeing this, 
 the major looked confusedly for a few seconds, then 
 alighted with extraordinary agility, and retired to the 
 cabin, saying he would gel his sword and be prepared to 
 give the fellow a warm reception, since he believed him a 
 Sound pirate, in search of plunder. Instead, however, of 
 returning with his sword, he thought it as well to imitate 
 the course pursued by so many of our valiant politicians, 
 and quietly took a seat upon one of the lockers, where he 
 waited with breathless suspense, as if expecting every 
 minute to see the stranger's cutwater pierce the quarter 
 of the " Two Marys." As for old Battle, he had left him 
 with a benediction, to which he now added sundry prayers 
 for his deliverance. It was not, he said, because he had 
 any very strong fears of death, but solely in consideration 
 of what his country would suffer by his loss. 
 
 And while the major was thus offering up his devotions, 
 the strange brig rau close down to the " Two Marys," 
 close hauled her sails, and passed astern with a sort of 
 
176 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 coquettish contempt for so small a craft. In trutli, t-lie 
 mistook the sloop for a fisherman, and bore up for lier 
 in the hope of procuring some fresh caught cod ; but find- 
 ing she was mistaken, was glad enough to be rid of her. 
 
 " Upon my word," ejaculated the m:ijor, with au air of 
 regained courage, for he was certain the stranger must 
 have passed, "just let the fellow come ; and if his tim- 
 bers be not like iron, Major Potter will give them a shiv- 
 ering." The major now took down his sword, and making 
 several strokes, as if to test the strength of his arm, swore 
 not to lose so excellent an opportunity of making mince 
 meat of every rascal who dared to molest the " Two 
 Marys." Again appearing upon deck, he cast several 
 anxious glances to windward, and then, having given his 
 head a significant toss, inquired what had become of the 
 stranger. " Pray, look the right waj', and be not deceived 
 with your eyes open," spoke Captain Snider, giving liis 
 head a toss, and pointing astern. " Magic, and nothing- 
 else, got him so far out of reach in so short a space," ra- 
 the major, with a flourish of his sword, at the same time 
 declaring his readiness to give old Battle and the gifted 
 pig, if the " Two Marys" would but go in chase of her. 
 
 " Faith, sir, I think it would be as well to let peace 
 reign between you ; for though the " Two Marys" is as 
 staunch a craft as ever floated, and might with safety be 
 put upon the chase, I am not so sure what time she would 
 come up. And if you will be cool for the present, I prom- 
 ise in due time you shall have a chance at an enemy big 
 enough to test your metal ; but it must not be said that 
 blood has been shed on board of my packet ; for I am a 
 poor man, and, heaven save us, if I should be brought to 
 trial in New York, but it would go hard with me, for I 
 have heard it said that there the rich may murder, but the 
 poor only are punished for such crimes." 
 
MAJOR potter's COURAGE. 177 
 
 " As you are absolute in command," rejoined tlie major, 
 with a low bow, " and refuse me this opportunity of show- 
 ing my skill as a soldier, perhaps it is as well, seeing that 
 discretion is always the better part of valor, and in conside- 
 ration of what I have already achieved, I may put up my 
 sword until larger game offers." 
 
 8* 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 ■WHICH TREATS OF A DELICATE AFFAIR THAT TOOK 
 PLACE, AND WHICH WAS THE RESULT OP A MISTAKE, 
 THAT HAD NEARLY COST THE MAJOR HIS LIFE. 
 
 Having generously given up all hope of a tussle with 
 the strange hrig, the major sheathed his sword, and with 
 a condescension worthy of our very noisy senator in 
 Congress from Arkansas, betook himself to feeding his 
 favorite pig, who was demanding his supper in the loudest 
 squeals his lungs were capable of. " Wonderful as it may 
 seem," whispered the major, confidentially, "no great man, 
 with a vigorous understanding, would hold these little 
 kind acts damaging to his reputation as a politician ; 
 whereas history teaches that little men without reputation 
 are for ever disturbed, lest the company they fall into be 
 not equal to their condition. But one must not be sur- 
 prised at this, since great mental powers are now ex- 
 hausted over sausage suppers, and the smallest minds 
 have got to managing Congress, and through Congress thp 
 nation, by mere stratagem. You may think, sir, that 1 
 meddle with what does not concern me ; but you must 
 bear in mind that I am a man of the people ; and though 
 I have compassion for those little minds that so flit and 
 flicker about Congress, I am not so well pleased when they 
 play purse-mouse to the great rogues of the lobby, who 
 would sell the nation's honor for gold enough to save them 
 from honest labor." Here the major patted his pig gently 
 upon the head, as the animal seemed inclined to return 
 1178] 
 
A DELICATE AFFAIR. 179 
 
 sucli kindness. He then said it afforded liiin grateful 
 satisfaction to contemplate an animal of such excellent 
 qualities, especially when contrasted with that herd run- 
 ning about Congress devouring the vitals of the nation. 
 
 This strange speech took all on board by surprise, for 
 not even Captain Luke.who had seen him perform some 
 singular offices, would have believed him capable of such 
 sound logic. In truth, had he been any other than Major 
 Roger Potter, the captain had set him down for a pro- 
 found philosopher. But he had more than once heard 
 it hinted that the major, when performing one of his 
 political feats, had himself played no very inconsiderable 
 part as lobby agent to Congress, where his reputation as a 
 great rogue caused his services to be in much demand. 
 
 It was now in the dusk of evening, tlie Two Marys 
 was shaping her course for the north shore, the wind had 
 subsided, and the sea moved lazily along in unbroken 
 swells. Supper was announced, and Major Roger Potter 
 hastened into the cabin, saying : " It is as well that we 
 eat, for though I feel a qualm coming over me now and 
 then, which seriously disturbs my temper, I must not for- 
 get that food may cure the ills of my head." Having 
 cast several scrutinizing glances over the humble fare 
 Luke's wife had prepared, and for the quality of which 
 she offered innumerable excuses, saying they were yet 
 poor, and could not afford better, the major rolled his lit- 
 tle blinking eyes upwards, laid his hat carefully upon the 
 locker, and with one of his best fashioned bows, and in 
 obedience to what true gallantry demanded, bestowed 
 upon Luke's wife a compliment which, I venture to say, 
 there is nothing upon record to compare with it, though 
 such things are exceedingly cheap with the profession of 
 which he claimed to be so renowned a member. " Madam," 
 said he, clasping his hands over his belly, the globular 
 
180 ADVEXTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 of which had changed somewhat, " though I am a politi- 
 cian and a soldier, hoth of which professions require the 
 exercise of great understanding, I can dispense courtesies 
 when they are deserved. The supper you have here 
 set out is fit for a prince, and worthy of you as the 
 wife of our gallant commander. In truth, madam, 
 I have long held that there is no office in which wo- 
 man can so well display the greatness of her power, as in 
 the preparation of a good supper, and this art I would 
 have them perfect, instead of writing sensation novels 
 for publishers, who thiok of nothing but setting the 
 nation by the ears, and putting money in their pock- 
 ets. If she be good at working a shirt, heavens ! but she 
 will be a blessing to the man who weds her, for our fash- 
 ionable damsels can neither knit nor sew, and seem fit 
 only for putting carefully away in glass cases." Captain 
 Luke listened to the delivery of this speech with dogged 
 silence. In truth, he harbored a suspicion that military 
 men were a little too free with their courtesies to other 
 men's wives, and that it was just as well to keep a jea- 
 lous eye upon them. He therefore desii-ed the major to 
 sit down and eat such as was set before him, and thank 
 God, for such was better than wasting so much ceremony. 
 " I see, sir," returned the major, " that you do not draw 
 your logic from experience, for to praise that which is 
 good, and not that which is bad, as our critics do, is to 
 prove yourself a well bred gentleman." The major hav- 
 ing concluded his reply, drew from his pocket a metal 
 comb, and commenced combing his coarse red beard, when 
 after he had arranged it to his satisfaction, he took a seat 
 at the table, where he devoured the viands with such 
 evident appetite as to surprise and astonish every one 
 present. And this further increased the captain's dislike 
 of him, for it concerned him much, lest his stores run out 
 
A DELICATE AFFAIH. 181 
 
 ere his voyage was at an end. As for the rest, it afforded 
 them much amusement to see him play so active a part 
 in devouring the food. " I am not a subject for jest, I 
 would have you all know," said the mgjor, with an air of 
 much displeasure. " It never was charged upon me that 
 I was a man of ill temper ; or that I was a man easily 
 given to quarrels ; and as these things are surely true, so 
 it will not do for you to trifle with my respectability. 
 There must also be that difference between us which my 
 military position demands." The sternness of these re- 
 marks, and the great gravity with which they were de- 
 livered, produced a silence that lasted for several minutes, 
 and likewise so confounded me that I began to think his 
 brain was not so much at fault after all. Each in turn 
 now broke silence by offering an apology, and treated 
 him with so much consideration, that he arose from his 
 seat in the very best humor possible, saying that as they 
 had set so good an example, he must acknowledge that 
 he was sorry for what he had said, and hoped they would 
 set it down to his quick impulses, which, though incident 
 to the feelings of a good soldier, were marvelously apt to 
 lead him astray. He now remembered that he had left 
 his bridle and holsters upon old Battle, and repaired upon 
 deck to relieve him of the burden, which he did with 
 much care and many caresses. 
 
 At ten o'clock, the major, who was not a little anxious 
 lest the " Two Marys " should come in collision with some 
 larger craft, undressed and retired to his berth, where the 
 trouble of the nation ceased for a time to distract his 
 brain. All now went smoothly on until midnight, when, 
 it being Luke's wife's watch on deck, the major awoke 
 from his first nap, and hearing his pig running about the 
 deck, making divers noises, as if in great distress, hasten- 
 ed to his relief in a condition not easily described in this 
 
182 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 liistory. The pig seeing the major in pursuit of him, ran 
 aft with a mischievous gruut, and was evidently inclined 
 to seek a shelter under the honest woman's garments. 
 And in fear of a liberty by no means sanctioned in books 
 of true politeness, she gave out a loud scream just as the 
 major, unconscious of the state he was in, for he was too 
 gallant a soldier to have exposed himself to a female, not 
 even in the starlight, tripped over a rope and fell against 
 her with such force that both came to the deck, and with 
 so much noise as to bring Captain Luke, ( who would have 
 sworn some strange craft was grinding the timbers out of 
 the " Two Marys,") immediately to the rescue. Unfor- 
 tunately for the gallant major, he had fallen uppermost, 
 and in a position where the binnacle light threw a curious 
 shadow over that part of his person he was most scrupulous 
 in protecting, as are all military gentlemen of quality. I 
 think it may be said, without disparagement to this his- 
 tory, that neither Alexander, nor Napoleon, nor Welling- 
 ton, nor, indeed, any of the great warriors, whose deeds 
 historians have recorded with so much ostentation, ever 
 met with so strange an accident, or one which led to so 
 many embarrassments. And although Captain Luke had 
 never had occasion to doubt the chastity of his wife, whose 
 face, being as ugly as could well be conceived, he had al- 
 ways held to be an adequate protection, his first impulse 
 now was to take summary revenge for what he consider- 
 ed an unwarrantable trespass upon his rights. There- 
 upon he seized a club, and in the heat of his passion, and 
 without malice aforethought, or even giving the major 
 time to extricate himself, he took what his eyes saw for 
 granted, and so belabored him about the head and should- 
 ers as to render him speechless. 
 
 " Base villain ! " exclaimed the. Captain, " if your life 
 was worth it, I — yes, I would think no more of taking it 
 
A DELICATE AFFAIR. 183 
 
 — you fish blooded vagabond ! Tirst attempt to make 
 free with my poor wife, and then aggravate me by declar- 
 ing your innocence ! " Being a man of great strength, 
 the captain got his wife out from under the major, whose 
 blood was running freely, and set her upon her feet, in an 
 almost fainting condition. The affair, though singularly 
 desperate, was but the work of a minute ; and when I 
 reached the deck, the " Two Marys " was in the wind, 
 Captain Luke was consoling his wife, the pig was running 
 about the deck in great tribulation, and my companion in 
 pursuit of fame lay weltering in his gore. Even old Bat- 
 tle had given ont signs of alarm, and such was the state 
 of confusion prevailing on board, that it required no small 
 stock of courage to bring matters to a requisite under- 
 standing. I stooped over the major to ascertain exactly 
 how many bones were broken, and as I did so, Captain 
 Luke commanded that he be thrown into the sea. 
 
 " Yes, and let his traps follow, for I verily believe his 
 pig possessed of the devil, who has thrown an evil spell 
 over the wind, of which we have scarce had a fair puff since 
 we left," he exclaimed. 
 
 Hearing this command, the major began at once to give 
 out signs of returning consciousness, and whispered that 
 though he had received grievous damage to his head, and 
 seriously believed there was not a whole bone in his 
 body, he thought he might yet be sufficiently restored to 
 settle his worldly concerns. Indeed he had during his 
 whole life made it a point never to shut the door against 
 life, bnt to so nurse the remaining vitality as to make it 
 take its longest run, so that one's days in the land be as 
 long as possible. 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE CAUSE 
 WAS EXPLAINED. 
 
 Almost the first words spoken by the recovering wo- 
 man were, " Husband, now that I have collected my 
 senses, and come to remember how it all happened, I feel 
 you have done grievous wrong to the poor man, for truly 
 it was no fault of his." 
 
 " Fault of his ! " exclaimed the captain, interrupting her 
 in surprise. " Pray, whose fault was it then ? Did I not 
 see him with my eyes, and in his shirt ? The devil take 
 me but if it was you who seduced such an ill begotten 
 thing, I will soon wash my hands of such a wife, though 
 she had borne me a score or more of children." 
 
 " Listen, dear husband," replied the good woman, her 
 eyes swimming in tears, " and lay nothing wrong at my 
 door, while your anger has got your reason ; for I know 
 you will suffer most when you come to know the cause of 
 all the bruising you have given the poor man." The 
 major now gave out a series of pitiful groans, and so be- 
 moaned his fate, that even the hardest heart must have 
 dissolved into sympathy for him. And though he 
 had no sooner gained the use of his tongue than he de- 
 clared by all the saints in the calendar, not less than six 
 of his ribs were broken, and that his skull had received, 
 on a square guess, half that number of fractures, neither a 
 rib was found disturbed, nor the slightest fracture in his 
 skull. The blood had flowed from flesh cuts, which only 
 [184] 
 
THE AFFAIR EXPLAINED. 185 
 
 required a little dressing to restore his head to its original 
 good condition. Ordering a sheet brought, I threw it over 
 the major, got him upon a seat near the companion way, 
 and commenced dressing his wounds, while one of the 
 sailors held the lantern. " Providence, which directs all 
 things, and more especially the movements of the soldier, 
 must have ordained me this bruising, else I should not 
 have got it," said the major, shaking his head admonish- 
 ingly, and casting upon me a look of deep mortification. 
 Ever and anon wiping his nose, as if uncomfortable about 
 that organ, he expressed considerable anxiety lest his face 
 should have got scarred ; for he was as vain of his personal 
 appearance as a great New York geneial I have in my 
 eye, but whose acts of heroism have never got beyond the 
 columns of the almost pious newspaper he edits. Being 
 assured he was in no way disfigured about the face, he 
 raised his hands, and called heaven to bear witness that 
 he never in all his life concerted wrong against his friend's 
 wife, though he had had amours enough, God knows. 
 He then commenced to give an account of how he came 
 in the questionable predicament for which he got the 
 bruising, saying, that in his anxiety to secure Duncan, 
 who', he feared, might get overboard, he entirely overlooked 
 the scanty nature of his raiment, for which he was ready 
 to offer an apology, and swear that all beyond that arose 
 from the great misfortune of having tripped his toe. All 
 this the good woman was ready to confirm with an oath, 
 if such had been necessary ; but indeed it was not, for the 
 very simplicity of the recital so affected Captain Luke 
 Snider, that he would have gone upon his knees, and 
 offered no end of atonement for the wrong he had done 
 him, had not the major reached out his hand, and with a 
 magnanimity truly wonderful, declared there could be no 
 stronger evidence that they were both gentlemen, than by 
 
186 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 settling their diflferences in a quiet way. And if one con- 
 descended to offer an apology, the other ought at once to 
 accept it condescendingly. 
 
 If, then, Captain Snider had shown great agility in 
 seriously damaging the major, he now lost no time in 
 bringing balms to heal his wounds, and rendering him such 
 other services as his condition demanded. The good wo- 
 man, too, was not a whit behind any of them ; for on re- 
 gaining her equanimity, she busied herself bringing liquids 
 and linen, and so bound the major's head with plasters and 
 bandages, (two of which were crossed over his nose,) as to 
 make it present a pitiful picture. Indeed his whole stock 
 of valor was gone, and no one would have recognized the 
 head with the two little eyes blinking through the cross 
 bands as that of so renowned a military man as Major 
 Boger Sherman Potter was known to be. He now thanked 
 heaven that it was no worse ; and having asked several 
 questions concerning the safety of his horse and pig, said, 
 he verily believed greatness was better illustrated in what 
 a man suffered than in what he did on the field of battle 
 — an opinion which seems to be largely shared by the ad- 
 venturous heroes of this day, since the more they are 
 vanquished the more they value their own greatness. 
 Notwithstanding this, it must be confessed he had a slight 
 misgiving as to whether his military dignity remained 
 undamaged, since the blows were inflicted with a club, 
 and not a sword. And, again, it afforded him consolation 
 to think that the greatest men known to history had suf- 
 fered great rebuffs while doing the world service. 
 
 The Two Marys was now well in shore, and being 
 apprehensive lest the major's condition should take an un- 
 lucky turn. Captain Luke resolved to steer for Tarpaulin 
 Cove, where the aid of a physician could be called in, if 
 necessary, and also a fresh stock of pumpkin pies procured. 
 
THE AFFAIR EXPLAINED. 187 
 
 For though the major had heen got nicely into his berth, 
 his dosing was accompanied with sudden spasms, arising 
 from acute pain. 
 
 The sloop now continued on her course without any- 
 thing remarkable occurring, and arrived at Tarpaulin Cove 
 about nine o'clock on the following morning. And, not- 
 withstanding the major was up and apparently quite com- 
 fortable, for he was suffering most from the wounds in his 
 dignity, he refused either t : j>;o on shore, or to have a phy- 
 sician called to dress his w.ui.ids. Nor did he lisp a sin- 
 gle word about having resided at the Cove not many years 
 ago, where he pursued the business of a dealer in melons 
 and onions, which he suddenly abandoned, whether for 
 want of success or otherwise, was not generally known 
 among his creditors, who had remained ignorant of his 
 whereabouts up to this day, though it was more than once 
 given out, that he had taken to the trade of a " critic of 
 books," and was in the employ of a New York publisher. 
 Indeed the major was not only silent on the subject of 
 his residence at Tarpaulin Cove* but expressed great im- 
 patience to get away from it, saying, that as his friends 
 in New York would be waiting his arrival in great sus- 
 pense, no time ought to be lost along the road. And 
 when he saw the boat coming off with a stock of fresh 
 provisions and the doctor, he retired to the cabin, and 
 there quietly engaged his thoughts over an old newspaper. 
 The doctor was a rough sort of man, and, although he had 
 given much time to the study of medicine, and was cele- 
 brated for the purgatives with which he killed his patients, 
 while preserving the gravest demeanor, could not gup- 
 press a smile when brought to confront the major, at the 
 sorry figure he cut in the bandages. " The case seems 
 more serious than I had hoped to find it— an eighth of an 
 inch only saved the cerebral ; but I hope there is no frac- 
 
188 ADVEXTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ture, for that would incur one of those delicate and pecu- 
 liarly dangerous operations it has not fallen to my lot to 
 perform for so many years, that I fear it would not become 
 me to undertake it, though 1 was at one time celebrated 
 for my skill, and indeed made my reputation on these sort 
 of cases," said the physician, taking a small packet from 
 his pocket, and advancing a few steps toward the major, 
 who moved away apace, and applied himself more assi- 
 duously to his newspaper. The doctor was at a loss how 
 to account for this movement on the part of the invalid, 
 and turning round to the captain, begged he would say to 
 the gentleman, that he came not of his own accord. In 
 fine, that it was rather to pay his compliments to such 
 distinguished persons as he had been informed were on 
 board. 
 
 " As to that, Mr. Doctor," replied the major, who over- 
 heard what was said, " if you will but leave me your good 
 will, I think I may venture to get along without yoiir 
 plasters and purgatives, for my constitution remains un- 
 damaged by such things." The doctor now came to the 
 conclusion that he had been made the victim of a joke, 
 and, quickly retreating to the deck, he demanded five dol- 
 lars of the captain for the visit, admonishing him in no 
 very amiable terms of the consequences, in case he re- 
 fused. But the captain had not five dollars to his back, 
 though, as he expressed it, he had good staunch property 
 enough to buy a village in Eome. " Then put me 
 ashore ! " said the doctor, " and I will see what virtue 
 there is in the Squire." He was soon set on shore, with 
 the loss of nothing but his temper, which is either the 
 cheapest or the dearest thing in the world to lose, but 
 which may be regained at any time by applyin? to the 
 village parson. The anchor was then got up, and with a 
 fine, fair wind, the " Two Marys " continued on her voy- 
 
THE AFFAIR EXPLAINED. 189 
 
 age, to the great joy of the major, who now began to relate 
 certain things concerning his residence in Tarpaulin Cove, 
 where, according to his account, he had held the high 
 office of Justice of the Peace, and given such eminent sat- 
 isfaction in the administration of justice, that his name 
 became famous all over the state. As to the doctor, whose 
 name was Killsly, the major described him as as arrant a 
 rascal as ever compounded nostrum or thrust pill down 
 the throat of unwilling patient. "You may have thought 
 my conduct toward that man unusual, considering the 
 habitual courtesy of my profession," said the major, ad- 
 dressing the captain, " but I hold it right, that a man of 
 honor should treat a great knave, which I knew him to 
 be, precisely in the manner I did. Killsly, it was found, 
 shortly after he came to live at the Cove, had been an 
 abortionist in New York, where he dashed about in a livery 
 of great brightness, and had a purloined crest of so curious 
 a device that no one could make out what it meant, though 
 several had applied to Mr. Hayes, of Broadway, who sup- 
 plied the wives of grocers and linen drapers with arms and 
 crests, (as the dwellers in Snob Avenue have it,) charging 
 only four shillings and sixpence for his services, including 
 advice as to what color the livery ought to be. Killsly 
 was in high favor with what is there called fashionable 
 society, which, out of sheer respect for his skill, afforded 
 him no few opportunities for the exercise of it. At length 
 he got mixed up in a singularly delicate but very common 
 difficulty, which rendered it desirable to make a change 
 of residence. Well, he came to the Cove, and here might 
 have lived as every good man ought to live, loving God 
 and keeping his fingers out of his neighbor's affairs; but a 
 damsel, who tossed her feathers at the rustics of the vil- 
 lage, and would coquette only with city beaux, chanced to 
 be pvertaken by a by-blow and had need of his skill, it 
 
190 ADVENTURES OF IIAJOE POTTER. 
 
 being necessary to piotect her virtue, which her friends 
 described as being -winter than snow. But death, which 
 scruples not in such matters, betrayed the secret, and sent 
 the whole village into a fever. There being no doubt of 
 Killsly's guilt in the matter, I thereupon had him arrested 
 and brought before me ; and, being the guardian of public 
 morality, I ordered him to prison, there to await the sitting 
 of the County Court. Believe me, gentlemen, I would, as 
 I failed not to tell him, have had him well hanged, had the 
 case been left entirely with me. But I leave it to others 
 to speak of the justice of my judgments. Now, though I 
 say it, he called me a fool ; and for that it would have 
 gone hard with him, since society can well afford to lose 
 all such vagabonds. But justice was weak in the screws, 
 and he at last escaped between what is called a flaw in the 
 indictment and the ingenuity of his lawyer, as is generally 
 the case with such knowing fellows." All this and much 
 more, the major said, and would have sworn it true. The 
 sailors listened with grave demeanor, and were surprised 
 and amazed at what they considered his extraordinary 
 wisdom. 
 
CHAPTER XX-II. 
 
 HOW NEWS OF AN EXTRAORMNABY CHARACTER WAS 
 RECEIVED AND RESTORED THE MAJOR TO SOUND 
 HEALTH ; ALSO A FEW REMARKS CONCERNING THE 
 MANUFACTURE OF HEROES. 
 
 The judicious and forgiving reader will, I am sure, join 
 me in approving the fkcility witli which the major re- 
 gained his stock of courage, (lost when entering Tarpaulin 
 Cove,) on hearing that the politicians of New York had 
 determined on making him a hero of no mean parts, and 
 were devising a grand programme for our reception. And 
 this consoling news I read to him from that very enter- 
 prising and extremely reliable journal, the New York 
 Herald, a copy of which I got of the parson, who was its 
 Tarpaulin Cove correspondent, and admired it much for 
 its mingling of divine and human things, as well as the 
 amount of honey the editor always mixed with his brim- 
 stone. The Common Council had, according to this saga- 
 cious journal, held a meeting and, at the expense of much 
 unintelligible oratory and disorder, passed a resolution ap- 
 propriating five thousand dollars for the purpose of giving 
 us a reception worthy of either Cicero or Washington. 
 And this was to be entirely in consideration of the great 
 public services we had rendered the country. 
 
 And it was further resolved, and therein set forth, that 
 Aldermen Pennyworth, of the Sixth Ward, and Brandy- 
 bottom, of the Second, together with Councilmen Bluster 
 and Sputter, (the last named gentleman being clever at a 
 
 [191] 
 
192 ADVEXTURES OF MAJOH POTTER, 
 
 speech,) be a committee of reception, invested with power 
 to draw up and present a suitable address on behalf of the 
 citizens of " this great metropolis." It was also resolved, 
 in a flourish of speech utterly unknown in anything ever 
 attempted by Choate, that the mayor, who, though he con- 
 templated himself the greatest of potentates, was famous 
 only for commanding an unruly police to bludgeon the 
 heads of peaceable citizens, should publicly receive us at 
 the City Hall. 
 
 This news so elated the major, that he commenced run- 
 ning about the deck, after the manner of a madman. He 
 next tore the bandages from his head, and swore though 
 his eyes were disfigured, his body remained in most excel- 
 lent condition. As to persecutions, all great men ought 
 to endure them with humility, for they were only the fore- 
 runners of great honors. He therefore resolved to say no 
 more of the scars, but, in proof of his faith, to for ever 
 esteem Captain Luke Snider a public benefactor, and to 
 set about commending himself to the consideration of all 
 good citizens, for therein, as he conceived, lay the virtue 
 of true eminence. And now that he had a horse of such 
 excellent parts, and a pig whose rare gifts, (did the critics 
 do him justice,) must prove invaluable, he flattered him- 
 self he was fairly on the road to fortune, and might safely 
 leave the rest to the hero makers of New York. 
 
 I must inform the honest reader, that great value was 
 set by the Common Council upon the fact, that the major 
 had transferred his affections from the whig, to the demo- 
 cratic party, which could not fail to shed a lasting luster 
 upon its principles. Two honest Hibernian members of the 
 very common board of very uncommon councilmen, had, 
 with that modesty so characteristic of them, paid me the 
 high compliment of saying, that I had been justly styled 
 the great northern political war horse. I could not sup- 
 
ON HEKO MANUFACTURE. 193 
 
 press a blush at seeing myself cut so strange a figure, 
 inasmuch as the flourish of speech was such as had never 
 been thought of by Aristotle, and would have paled even 
 Henry Clay. Let no man, therefore, doubt the truth of 
 what I here say ; for I am not given to writing satires, 
 preferring to wait until heaven shall send me some nobler 
 mission. Nor would I have the reader express surprise, 
 that persons so humble as the major and myself should be 
 thus suddenly subjected to the process of hero making so 
 much in fashion with the forty thousand idlers and politi- 
 cians of New York, who have graciously taken upon them- 
 selves the directing of all public affairs, seeing that good 
 men are so engaged in the getting of gold as to care not a 
 whit if the devil get all their liberties. And if the reader 
 have read the histories of Greece and Rome, wherein it is 
 written that he only was made a hero who had achieved 
 some great undertaking, and thereby conferred lasting 
 honors upon his country, his surprise may be increased at 
 the strange elements of character necessary to a hero at 
 this day. But I humbly beg him to consider the circum- 
 stances of these forty thousand idlers and other politicians, 
 who, having no employment for their fingers, let the devil 
 direct their brains, and have turned hero making into a 
 commerce of so cheap a quality, that no good christian 
 can be got to engage in it. In fine, (and it is no vulgar 
 invention of my brain, ) the virtues required of an hero at 
 this day, are that he have been a great marauder, who, 
 having invaded the country of a poor, down trodden people, 
 driven them from their quiet homes, plundered them of 
 their property, ravished their daughters, drenched their 
 fields with the blood of the innocent, and whitened the 
 highways with the bones of his own dissolute but deluded 
 followers, and spread desolation over the land, had to 
 leave it a vanquished miscreant. And upon the principle, 
 9 
 
194 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 that if you give power to the idle and reckless they will 
 make heroes to suit their kind and circumstances, he will 
 then he received at the Battery with a great waste of 
 powder, and such other noisy demonstrations as shall please 
 the unruly. From thence he shall be conveyed in a shabby 
 carriage, drawn by four lean horses, escorted by six fire- 
 men in red shirts, and preceded by two Dutch drummers 
 with serious faces, and long, light beards, and a dyspeptic 
 negro fifer, through sundry of our most crowded streets. 
 And there shall follow him a procession of urchins, so 
 abject in raiment that all peaceable lookers on will wonder 
 where they came from, and how it happened that in a city 
 so well supplied with water their unclean appearance, and 
 the evident satisfaction they derived from scratching, was 
 a sight for the eyes to behold. The hero must be careful 
 to admonish the two or three ex-aldermen who accom- 
 pany him, that it will not do to expose the necks of bottles 
 in their pockets during their passage through the streets ; 
 he must also be sure to deliver his bows with becoming 
 grace, and to keep his right hand upon his heart, (if he 
 have one,) giving the mob to understand that therein 
 beats his love for righting wronged humanity. Nor will 
 he lose anything in reputation, if he exercise great cour- 
 tesy in returning those manifestations of approbation which 
 are become so common with enthusiastic chambermaids, 
 who flourish napkins from third and fourth story windows, 
 and are mistaken by the uninitiated for damsels of quality 
 with delicately perfumed cambrics. And as he let nothing 
 slip through his fingers while bathing in blood the homes 
 of the people he had made wretched, so must he now com- 
 fort himself with the assurance, that the uproar of the 
 rabble constituting his train is all cheers sent up by the 
 honest people in admiration of his wonderful exploits. 
 And, being free from every restraint or obligation, he may, 
 
ON HEKO MANUFACTURE. 195 
 
 with advantage to himself, recur to the deeds of Cassar 
 and Alexauder, (riot forgetting to remember Cicero,) to 
 which he may compare his own. He can then sneer at 
 your people of quality, and having sufficient cause, prepare 
 himself for a speech of extraordinary eloquence, in which 
 he need have no fear of profaning, for his hearers will 
 stand amazed, and think how mighty a thing it is to he a 
 hero. 
 
 I would also advise him to give his thoughts entirely to 
 himself, and be careful not to betray them with his words, 
 lest some ambitious critic set them down and use them at 
 some future day to his damage. He must likewise suffi- 
 ciently eulogize the companions in his exploits ; and 
 though they were true to nothing but debauchery and their 
 own conceits, it will serve him best if he tell distressing 
 tales of their patriotism. And above all, he will be wholly 
 deficient in rendering himself justice, if he do not set forth 
 with the very best of his rhetoric, how much he is misrep- 
 resented by the press, which will persist in calling him a 
 monster, when in truth he' is a servant of heaven, sent upon 
 earth to raise the fallen. And when he shall have been 
 drawn through a sufficient number of streets, and the eyes 
 of the curious shall have been gratified, and the dyspep- 
 tic fifer has exhausted his wind, and, together with the 
 Dutch drummers, can no longer invest the jaded train 
 with a martial spirit, then, if the lean animals have strength 
 enough left in their dilapidated frames, the cortege, as it 
 is well called, may proceed into the Park, where the hero, 
 if it do not rain, may take off his hat to the multitude of 
 rejected humanity, (such as ragged politicians and wasted 
 vagrants,) there assembled. Having paused a few mo- 
 ments, (to the great impatience of his shattered admirers,) 
 that the aldermen who accompanied him may quench their 
 thirst, he will alight amidst the huzzas of the throng and 
 
196 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ascend tlie platform, built for the occasion by an enthusi- 
 astic carpenter. An ex-alderman, of dogged deportment, 
 whom the clamorous mob greet with the title of judge, 
 will welcome him in an address, (he will read it by the 
 light of a tallow candle, held in the hand of a corpulent 
 councilman,) written by a well starved critic on the Times 
 newspaper, and for which service he (the said starved 
 critic) was promised five dollars. The hero will undoubt- 
 edly take it for granted, that he is as great a general as 
 he is there set down ; nor must he be amazed if he find it 
 written of him, that the noble deeds of which he is the 
 champion far outshine all that has heretofore been set 
 down in history. In fine, he must receive each compliment 
 with a gracious bow, remembering that they are employed 
 with the sincerity so characteristic of our gravest politi- 
 cians. It being customary, I make no doubt the address 
 will be received with " deafening applause," though it 
 were impossible those present could hear one word of it. 
 The reading will then conclude with twenty thousand 
 voices spontaneously calling for the hero, who must rise 
 with great gravity, and, having surveyed the dilapidated 
 throng, proceed to respond in a speech of at least half 
 an hour long. While delivering himself of this speech, 
 he must be careful not to think of the gray haired fathers 
 and mourning orphans he has left to mingle their tears 
 over the devastation he inflicted upon their country, lest 
 it damage his rhetoric. But he must declare that he is 
 overwhelmed with the honors thus showered upon him by 
 an assemblage so respectable. Of course he will not forget 
 to mention, that his emotions have quite deprived him of 
 the power, even if he had the capacity, of expressing his 
 gratitude for this very unexpected manifestation of their 
 approbation. And this peroration he must end, with com- 
 plimenting the virtue and discretion, the self sacrificing 
 
ON HERO MANUFACTURE. 197 
 
 devotion, and tlie high purposes of the motley assemblage, 
 •who are meanwhile getting up numerous fights for their 
 more immediate amusement. 
 
 The drummers and fifer having refreshed themselves, 
 the hero must he got carefully into the carriage by his 
 generals and adjutant generals in waiting, when the four 
 lean horses, who were comforted with oats during the de- 
 livery of the speeches, will draw him up Broadway to the 
 tune of "The dead I left behind me! " It being after 
 nightfall, when the balconies of heaven are filled with 
 black, warlike clouds, it will be necessary that the train 
 proceed with torchlights, which are an essential part of the 
 ovation to all great heroes. These generally consist of 
 thirteen lighted tallow candles and two transparencies, in 
 the manufacture of which six shillings were expended for 
 as many yards of Lowell cotton, sufficient to supply shirts 
 to the unwashed Hibernians who bear them. The torch- 
 lights, as is customary, must be carried by hatless and 
 shoeless urchins, who will feel great pride in the ser- 
 vice, and have no scruple at scrambling for the pennies 
 thrown them by the mischievous who line the sidewalk. 
 The transparencies must also bear the significant motto, 
 " Welcome to ike brave.'' All this and much more being 
 done, the hero will have arrived at one of our most fash- 
 ionable hotels, where splendid apartments have been pre- 
 pared for him ; and for which the cunning landlord was 
 careful to get his pay in advance. As those who follow 
 such trains and such heroes have an habitual aversion to 
 water, its diminution or increase on arriving at the hotel 
 will depend very much on the state of the weather. But 
 no true hero will for a moment think of entering his hotel 
 unless all the ambitious chambermaids in it are grouped 
 upon its balconies, and its entrances so lined with pick- 
 pockets, that it becomes absolutely necessary that his 
 
19S 4.D VENTURES OF MA JOB POTTEH. 
 
 generals force a passage . The crowd outside will then greet 
 his advance up stairs with much shouting, interspersed 
 with demands for a speech, which, on partaking of a well 
 compounded punch, in which his generals will not forget 
 to join him, seeing that he is their only worldly stock in 
 trade left, he may manifest his willingness to receive 
 friends of distinction. This being regarded as an oversight 
 by his most famous general, and the corpulent alderman, 
 he will be reminded that the safety of the building is really 
 in danger from the enthusiasm of the citizens outside, who 
 refuse to go peaceably to their homes until he appears 
 before them on the balcony, where they can offer him 
 their homage, and hear from his lips at least three speeches. 
 All this being done to the entire satisfaction of his admir- 
 ers, then let him snap his fingers at your unprogressive 
 gentlemen of quality, (who are much givei) to sneering,) and 
 comfort himself that " the people " are always right. The 
 torchbearers having exhausted their pennies as well as 
 their patriotism, and the peaceable intervention of a shower 
 having dispersed the mob, the hero, satisfied he has re- 
 ceived every honor a grateful people can bestow, will, as 
 is customary, betake himself much fatigued to his apart- 
 ments, where he must remain in consultation with his 
 generals and a few select friends, (on the grave question 
 of what is to he done next ?) until two o'clock in the morning, 
 or, perhaps, until Aurora begins to open her windows in 
 the east or the expert bar tender has weaned of mixing 
 libations not even the most self-complacent of the generals 
 has a shilling to pay for. This sad state of affairs being 
 reported to head quarters, the hero will, unless the alder- 
 men present pledge the city for security, hasten to his cot, 
 and having snuffed out his candle get quietly to bed. 
 
 Having overstepped the limits of my chapter in these 
 few remarks upon our present system of hero making, the 
 
ON HERO MANUFACTURE. 199 
 
 reader must look for something better in the next chap- 
 ter, and accept for apology the fact that I have written 
 of things I have seen, out of sheer love for the truth of 
 history. In perusing this subject, I had almost forgotten 
 to remark, that the hero, though he have gone quietly to 
 bed, will not be considered at the very apex of his fame 
 until the men of the newspapers, with their usual love of 
 enterprise in journalism, shall have written down and pub- 
 lished to the world (they, it must not be overlooked, fol- 
 low close at the heels of the torch bearers) all that was 
 said and done, not even forgetting to mention how deli- 
 cately the horses raised their tails when occasion required. 
 
CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF A PARTY OF YACHTERS MET ON THE 
 SOUND, AND WHAT PAINS THEY TOOK TO COMFORT 
 THE MAJOR, ON BEING MADE ACQUAINTED WITH HIS 
 VARIOUS EXPLOITS. 
 
 The major had been unusually serious during the day, 
 and toward evening approached me with his right hand 
 extended. " I cannot too forcibly express to you the deep 
 obligation I owe you for the many kindnesses you have 
 shown me. Thankful am I to escape the clutches of that 
 doctor, though, perhaps, it would have been well to have en- 
 listed his generosity, and got him to apply his plasters to my 
 horse, for his legs stand much in need of them. As to the 
 misfortune that befel me, pray think no more of it ; for 
 though I confess to being found naked to my shirt, a 
 bishop could not be more innocent of wrong intention, 
 even though he were an Onderdonk, who had been per- 
 secuted for his virtues. And now, let us change this mat- 
 ter, for I have been considering the profoundness of my 
 purpose all day ; and as our reception in New York will 
 be an affair of much magnitude, I want to consult you on 
 the most proper measures to be adopted in the present 
 state of affairs. Jly reputation being already established, 
 it will no doubt be agreeable to you that I receive and 
 acknowledge the honors, you paying that deference to me 
 which an adjutant general pays to his superior. We 
 must master fortune by the quickest process ; and as it 
 [200] 
 
A YACHTING PARTY. 201 
 
 matters nothing to the politicians of New York which of 
 us they honor, so long as the ovation affords them excite- 
 ment, your ends will be best served by keeping me well 
 hacked up. And as there is no knowing what sort of a 
 turn the gi-and reception may take, I have been much con- 
 cerned lest those who get it up discover in me (as they 
 have done in worse men) an excellent candidate for Pres- 
 ident, in which cxse I must give great care to the word- 
 ing of my speech, for that must be made to square with 
 coming events." Holding it, as I always have, and shall 
 still continue to do, more generous to forgive the vagaries 
 of men who are given to imagining themselves great, as 
 they, rightly viewed, can do no harm, and, indeed, afford 
 much of that amusement so necessary to good digestion, I 
 replied, that I had always considered his claims to public 
 favor as superior to my own. And this so pleased him, 
 that he declared it the first time, notwithstanding his great 
 experience in life, that he had found a politician willing 
 to sacrifice himself for the benefit of another, which he 
 swore to remember until the day of his death. We now 
 sat down together, and continued consulting upon various 
 matters appertaining to our journey, and in which the 
 major took great delight, especially as I acquiesced in all 
 his opinions. 
 
 Night had now overtaken us, and the "Two Marys" 
 was proceeding slowly on her course, close in shore. It 
 ■was impossible the mind could conceive a finer night, for 
 not a«loud was visible in the heavens, which formed over 
 us a gorgeous arch of azure blue, hung with what poets call 
 liquid pearls, now casting shadows like frolicking fairies 
 over the broad sea plane below ; and then, after flitting 
 and coquetting, passed away into the mysterious distance. 
 In truth, so seductive was the scene, that it excited in my 
 breast a few of those fancies of heaven that give so much 
 
202 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 employment to the brains of young lovers. Yonder, tall light 
 houses ranged along the shore, like stately giants in their 
 night robes, filling the horizon to the right with a halo of 
 pale light. Then a noise as of the rilling of distant brooks 
 came floating in sweet cadences tlirongh the air, which 
 seemed laden with the perfumes of new made hay ; and 
 the hollow echo of the watch dog's bark mingled in the soul 
 inspiring chorus. And as I turned thinking of Hervey 
 and his Meditations, my eye caught the ripe moon rising to 
 invest all with that reposing softness poets and painters 
 have so long in vain attempted to describe. 
 
 A streak of bright light trailed along the heavens in the 
 west, and beneath it were steamboats so gigantic in pro- 
 portions that they resembled illuminated palaces vaulting 
 over the sea ; while close off our starboard bow, there ap- 
 peared advancing toward us a fairy like fleet, with low, 
 rakish hulls, taut rig, and sails made whiter by the moon- 
 beams playing upon them. The whole fleet seemed to 
 skim over the sea, though the "Two Marys" scarce 
 moved. One, more tiny than the rest, and which appeared 
 to have made an oflSng, bore down for us, and seemed in- 
 tent upon crossing our bows. The major, whose atten- 
 tion had been directed to them for some minutes, and who 
 seemed always to have a pirate haunting his mind, 
 rose quickly to his feet, swearing that he could not this 
 time be mistaken in the character of the craft advancing 
 upon us, since pirates always stole upon the objects of 
 their plunder, and were, as he had read in various novels, 
 just the sort of craft there seen. So disturbed was he in 
 his feelings, that he demanded of Captain Luke Snider 
 that he make a signal of warning — first notifying the fel- 
 low to keep off, and then through the trumpet telling him 
 of what a thrashing he would get if he dared to come on 
 board a vessel with so terrible a major for passenger. Had 
 
A YACHTING PARTY. 203 
 
 not old Battle been lying down, <and the time required to 
 get him up been fatal to such a great undertaking, he would 
 have had him saddled and got ready for the contest, which 
 he felt in his heart would be bloody enough to furnish 
 material for three popular novels. Twice he started for 
 the cabin, vowing to get his sword and be ready ; twice 
 he halted, and with much concern inquired of the captain, 
 what he thought of the saucy looking craft. But the cap- 
 tain shook his head, looked aloft, and shrugged his should- 
 ers, which increased the major's fears, and afforded Luke no 
 little diversion, though he maintained his silence with be- 
 coming gravity. He had no fear of the fellow, " but a 
 good soldier ought always to be ready for an emergency," 
 the major 'said. " Faith, and I can swear it by St. Den- 
 nis, (who was as good a saint as any of them, for what I 
 know,) he means us no harm, and may bring us good news. 
 I have sailed the Sound these thirty years without meet- 
 ing a craft that would harm me in hull or rigging. A 
 wharf thief now and then carries off my ropes ; but then 
 he belongs to a tribe of scurvy vagabonds who never ven- 
 ture out of New York harbor, for there they have the law 
 on their side, which is well enough for them." 
 
 The major's thoughts were now for several minutes, hung 
 between his fears and this comforting replj'. But not be- 
 ing quite satisfied, he turned to me, as I leaned over the 
 rail contemplating the beauty of the scene before me, and 
 inquired vrhat I thought of pirates and their pranks. If 
 the approaching craft was not a pirate, he said, her move- 
 ments at least bespoke her bent on no good. The little 
 craft was now seen to sheer, which caused the major's per- 
 turbation to become irresistible ; and suddenly putting his 
 hands to his lips, he shouted at the top of his voice : 
 "Ho, strange ship ! Whence come you? and what want 
 you, that you steer right in our way ? Bear away, there, 
 
204 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEB. 
 
 or may the devil take me but you'll get the worst of it, 
 for this is the Two Marys, of Barnstable." All on board 
 were much amused at this freak, and stood silent, as if 
 waiting for a reply. In a few moments the music of a 
 harp was heard, and such was the skill and delicacy with 
 which it was played, that the very air seemed filled with 
 mysterious spirits, who, having carried off the lutes of some 
 companion lovers, were chanting dulcet req^uiems. And 
 the soft, sweet notes floated over the sea in seductive ca- 
 dences. Then two female voices sang sweetly to the ac- 
 companiment of the harp ; and so exquisite was the ef- 
 fect that I fancied rejoicing angels whispering their songs 
 to the winds that played so gently around us. One of 
 the voices was a soprano of much sweetness and flexi- 
 bility, for it ascended the scale with great ease, and its 
 higher notes were flutelike. The other was a contralto 
 of no mean order. And there joined in chorus with these, 
 two male voices, evidently well trained, and of much 
 compass. 
 
 The singing threw an air of mystery over the little 
 craft, which served to make the major more impatient to 
 know her character. Had the place of meeting been in 
 the Caribbean Sea, he said, why, there could be no mistak- 
 ing her character, for the pirates who infested it, as he had 
 read in one of Sims's novels, made their captive females 
 sing to them at night, whereas on the Sound, there was 
 no record of what pirates and oystermcn really did with 
 their female captives, unless it was that they banished 
 them to Blackwell's Island. But he was still more surprised 
 and confounded when he heard the words of the song the 
 party in the little craft were singing, and which ran thus : 
 
 " Beneath the stars, so pure and bright, 
 Come let us be merry on the sea to-night ! 
 
 On the sea to-night ! on the sea to-night ! 
 
A YACHTING PARTY. 205 
 
 " Let lovers to groves where moonbeams enchant ; 
 But we have hearts that are free, 
 And we'll woo on the sea to-night i 
 
 On the sea to-night ! on the sea to-night '." 
 
 This song, so curious in sentiment and rhyme, was also 
 written by the very learned Dr. Easley, who, in considera- 
 tion of its being a prize song, had it copyrighted. I have, 
 therefore been extremely scrupulous only to purloin this 
 small portion of it, (knowing, as I do, the high value he 
 places upon all his literaiy productions,) lest he hold me 
 amenable to the laws of the country, made and provided 
 for the protection of poor authors. 
 
 The little craft had now approached so near, that her 
 low, black hull, with the figures upon deck, was distinctly 
 seen. It was evident that she espied us, for the singing 
 suddenly ceased as she hauled her wind, which at that mo- 
 ment increased a little, and came dashing down upon us in 
 fine style. And as those on board were heard keeping up a 
 conversation in French, the major's fears again relui'ned, 
 and after an inefiectual attempt to get old Battle upon his 
 legs, he ran aft in a state of alarm, and thus addressed 
 Captain Snider, who had taken the helm of the "Two 
 Marys : " 
 
 " I verily believe, sir, these are no friends, for they speak 
 in an unknown tongue, which is- that used by pirates when 
 devising infernal plots ! " 
 
 The Captain, after casting a careless glance upward, as 
 if to count the mast hoops upon his great mainsail, replied, 
 •' That as he was not gifted in tongues, and knew but little 
 of his own, he could not be a judge ; but this he would 
 say, that they were only a party of yachters, who instead 
 of intending us harm, would pay us the compliment of 
 coming on board to regale us with their ' good cheer,' of 
 which they usually had an abundant stock." 
 
206 ADVEKTURES OP MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 The major's fears now entirely deserted him, and his 
 thoughts were directed to how he could best appear before 
 such distinguished pleasure seekers. It has before been 
 described how the major was not a little vain of his mili- 
 tary position ; and lest the humble character of the craft 
 on which he voyaged might not be regarded in its proper 
 light by the strangers, he thought of mounting his uni- 
 form, in which they would not fuil to recogniae him as a 
 person of distinction. While, however, he paused in a 
 state of uncertainty, the little craft came within a fathom 
 of us, and a voice cried out, " What sloop is that ? and 
 from whence came you ? " 
 
 " The Two Marys, of Barnstable ! six days out. You 
 will be welcome on board, and such fare as we have shall 
 be at your service ! " replied the captain, in the manliness 
 of his nature, as he at the same time ordered one of his 
 sons to get "fasts" ready. The yacht (which was none 
 other than the " Saucy Kate," of the Harlem Yacht Club) 
 now dropped her fenders, and rounded to, like a thing of 
 life, under the stern of the " Two Marys,*' while Captain 
 Luke put his helm down, and luffed into the wind. An- 
 other minute and she was fast alongside, when there came 
 rollicking on board two ladies accompanied by two gentle- 
 men, whose demeanor, though they were dressed in garbs 
 peculiar to the occasion, at once bespoke them persons of ease 
 circumstance. One of the men was peculiarly tall and and 
 erect of person, had a long, brown mustache, and hair 
 that is called Saxon, which he had evidently taken some 
 pains to keep well ordered. As to his face, though there 
 was nothing particularly striking in it, (if a resemblance 
 to the great General Webb be excepted,) I very much 
 doubt if Brady could have selected a better subject to fill 
 a vacant niche among those handsome men whose photo- 
 graphs adorn the entrance to his gallery on Broadway. 
 
A YACHTING PARTY. 207 
 
 The other was a frisky little man, with a promising red 
 beard and mustache, and a dull blue eye, and a little 
 freckled face, and a puggish nose. His dress was trow- 
 sers of white canvas, and a Norseman's jacket, with rows 
 of large horn buttons down the sides, and a corpulent ci- 
 gar pouch in the breast pocket. 
 
 " Upon my life, now, but you can't have much comfort 
 aboard here," spoke the frisky little man, in a voice of 
 singular effeminacy, as he tipped the narrow brimmed 
 glazed hat that had covered his narrower head. " As for 
 ourselves," he continued, fingering the great blood stone 
 studs in his brown cambric shirt bosom, " we are navigat- 
 ing merely for the love of the thing. Want to get the 
 thing right, and don't care a strawfortheexpense, not we! " 
 This he concluded by saying, in a manner so finical that one 
 might have mistaken him for a Bond Street milliner in the 
 garb of a sailor, that his name was Nat Bradshaw, a re- 
 cently elected member of the Union Club. The little, 
 finicking man addressed no one in particular, but seemed 
 much concerned lest we should not fully comprehend his 
 respectability, though in truth he might have passed 
 easily enough for a fool. The man of the tall figure, and 
 ■whose frank and manly manner was enough to banish the 
 sorrow excited by the effeminacy of the other, pressed 
 forward with his hand extended, and inquired for the 
 captain. 
 
 "It's me, Luke Snider, who's skipper," spoke the hon- 
 est-hearted old salt, as the other grasped him by the 
 hand, and gave him such a warm greeting as made him 
 think he had met an old friend. And while these civil- 
 ities were being interchanged, one of the damsels, a blonde 
 so beautiful that earth had not, as I thought, another to 
 compare with her, tripped gayly about the deck, singing 
 as unconcernedly as a lark at sunrise : 
 
208 ADVENTUEES OF JtAJOE POTTER. 
 
 " But give me the sea, 
 And from the old folks free, 
 And we'll wait for the tide to-night ! 
 
 For the tide to-night— for the tide to-night." 
 
 "He wtose thoughts are not given to evil needs no cen- 
 suring eyes," thought I, as she turned, and tripping lightly 
 towards me, flung her left arm round the waist of her com- 
 panion who was a girl of slender form and features, and had 
 a countenance in which pensiveness was deeply written ; 
 then, with her right hand resting gently upon her shoulder, 
 she looked roguishly up in 4ier face, for her eyes were of 
 crystal blue, and beamed with mischief, and said, in a 
 voice of much solicitude, " Eose, dear Rose ! let me snatch 
 away your troubles, for Nat Bradshaw, you know, always 
 ■was a fool. It's a habit he's got of kissing everybody 
 who will let him. And what's worse, you can't get it out 
 of his head, little as it is, but that he is a great beauty — 
 that everybody admires his white hand, and the big dia- 
 mond I know he has'nt paid Tiffany for yet. And be- 
 cause we girls, just to tease him, and have a bit of fun, 
 invite him to polk with us, he's got to fancying it's all in 
 admiration of his graceful bearing. Oh ! he is such a fool ; 
 and I don't believe he's got any money ! I don't ! Just 
 snap your fingers at Master Nat, and tell him not to try 
 it again ! that's the way I do with such jokers." She 
 spoke with so much simplicity', and in so sweet a voice, 
 that the girl of the slender figure seemed at once to regain 
 her spirits, while the major, who had given particular at- 
 tention to this little episode, now stood in admiration at 
 the beauty of the speaker's face. Then he approached 
 me, and placing his lips close to my ear, whispered, 
 " Pray say to them who I am, and leave me to take care 
 of the rest." These words being overheard by the gay 
 hearted belle, she turned on her heel coquettishly, and 
 
A YACHTING PARTY. 209 
 
 vaulting to where he of the tall figure stood, making cer- 
 tain inquiries of the captain concerning his voyage, locked 
 her hands in his arm, and there leaned gracefully for a few 
 moments. 
 
 Flora, for such was this damsel's name, had her home ia 
 Madison Square, New York; and there was about her 
 something so artless and yet so tantalizing, that her power 
 over the affections was irresistible. In fine, she was one 
 of those dashing, merry hearted creatures, who make chaos 
 of the affections to-day, and have a balm to heal them to- 
 morrow. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE MERRY VOYAGERS MADE 
 MUCH OP MAJOR ROGER POTTER, AND HOW THEY IN- 
 VITED HIM TO AN INTERVIEW WITH THE COMMODORE 
 OF THE FLEET. 
 
 The captain and he of the tall figure had sufficiently 
 exchanged compliments, when good Dame Snider came 
 on deck, and invited the strangers into the cabin to 
 partake of the refreshments she had there prepared. 
 But Flora, who was much diverted by the good woman's 
 earnestness, spoke up and declared the hospitalities 
 of the occasion must be left to her, for she had charge 
 of the larder ; and so well stocked was it, that they could 
 feed six aldiermen for a week without fear of stint. Nat 
 Bradshaw, too, raised the cigar exquisitely from his lips, 
 and in his finicking manner said, the " Saucy Kate " was 
 famous for the quality of her stores, nor ever permitted a 
 stranger to do the hospitalities. In truth, it must be con- 
 fessed that Nat had what is called a streak of generosity, 
 mixed with all his weaknesses. 
 
 "No, mother, (you won't think me bold for calling you 
 mother?) leave the refreshments to me, and I am satisfied," 
 interposed Flora, taking the honest hearted woman cordi- 
 ally by the hand. Then she doffed the little hat, that 
 rolled up so pertly at the sides, and had given her 
 such a saucy air ; and as she did so, there fell upon her 
 shoulders such a profusion of golden curls as would have 
 [210] 
 
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 211 
 
 crazed the heart of a Frenchman. The ex(][uisiteness of 
 her heauty was now fully disclosed. Her complexion re- 
 sembled alabaster, and in addition to a face so oval that 
 a sculptor could not have improved it, her great blue eyes, 
 which, as I have said before, sparkled like pure crystals, 
 were set off with finely curved arches, giving perfection to 
 a brow poets call Grecian, and over which two broad 
 wavy plaits of golden hair floated, as it were. Her nose, 
 too, was of that high born oi (Vi- we recognize in the delicate 
 but prominent lines, and, t. gether with her mouth and 
 chin, were such that the most fastidious could not have de- 
 tected an imperfection. And as the moonbeams played 
 upon her features, lighting them up as it were, she seemed 
 a creature more of heaven than earth. 
 
 " Flora ! Flora! my dear cousin," spoke he of the tall 
 figure, seeing her thus doff her hat, " you must not, for I 
 am anxious lest you catch cold." 
 
 " Cold ?" she interrupted with a coquettish smile ; "not 
 I, indeed. The colds have a liking for Nat Bradshaw. 
 They can get through him with so little difficulty, that 
 they never take to me while he's by." 
 
 " Now, ah ! 'pon my soul, that's clever. Say how I 
 owe you one." Thus Nat replied, stopping in a desperate 
 effort to light a short cigar without damaging the down 
 he persisted in calling his mustache. He also raised his 
 hat, and throwing his body into the shape of a triangle, 
 made one of these bows which are peculiar to members of 
 the Union Club, 
 
 Rose now came to the assistance of the merry hearted 
 Flora, who quickly doffed the blue jerkin that, girded 
 round her waist, had given her such a sailor-like air, and 
 disclosed a bust of such perfect symmetry, that it would 
 have served as a model for a statue of Diana. And this 
 was charmingly displayed in a sleeved corset of dark 
 
212 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 green color, cut after the fashion of a habit, with an incis- 
 ion in front, disclosing a stomacher of fine Spanish lace, 
 set with rows of tiny brilliants. Her gauntlets quickly 
 followed her jerkin, exposing tiny, swan white fingers, 
 sparkling with jewels. And although herself unconscious 
 of the cause, such was the perfection of her beauty, that 
 I stood as if transfixed, gazing upon her in mute admira- 
 tion, until my emotions melted into confusion. Nor was 
 Nat Bradshaw unaffected by it, for I saw him cast an en- 
 vious eye now and then, As for the major, he either 
 stood bowing with his hat in his hand, or was getting in 
 every one's way, and was anxious lest his introduction be 
 delayed another minute. He afterwards told me in great 
 confidence that, when Flora doffed her hat and gauntlets, 
 he would have sworn her nothing less than an angel he 
 would have taken to his arms, and pledged his military 
 honor to worship until death, had not Polly Potter stood 
 in the way. 
 
 Again, Flora struck up her song, and tripping on board 
 the " Saucy Kate," which, with her sails half brailed up, 
 had been left in charge of two boatmen, brought back 
 with her a curious little packet, she soon spread into a 
 table, and, with the assistance of Rose and Nat Bradshaw, 
 had it mounted in a trice with cold iris ribbed beef, boned 
 turkey, chickens, bird pies, jellies, and a basket of delici- 
 ous fruit ; to which was added lemons, and sundry bottles 
 of champagne, and sherry that had been cooled in ice. 
 
 And while these preparations were proceeding, Major 
 Potter, whom I had not yet had an opportunity to intro- 
 duce, whispered something in the ear of Captain Snider, 
 who, on turning to him of the tall figure, said, " And now 
 sir, since an opportunity offers, perhaps you will permit 
 me to introduce you to my distinguished passenger. Major 
 Roger Sherman Potter, whose name is come famous in our 
 
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 213 
 
 part of the country, where he is acknowledged to be the 
 greatest living politician." 
 
 " Major Eoger Potter, I am commonly called," repeated 
 the Major, placing his left hand to his heart, and, with a 
 motion of his right, in which he held his hat, making one 
 of his politest bows. " And as I see (and it required no 
 effort) that you are no common people, my reputation is, 
 doubtless, familiar to you, for much has been written of 
 me in the newspapers. As to what you say of me as a 
 politician, I will leave my right to such honors in the 
 hands of others, since, being a riiilitary man, it would not 
 become me to .speak of myself." 
 
 " Major Potter ! " exclaimed the stranger, extending 
 his hand, and shaking that of the major so earnestly as to 
 make him verily believe he stood before one who had long 
 been familiar with his history. " I would indeed be con- 
 fessing myself stupid to say I was not acquainted with a 
 name so famous in the political world. Truly, sir, if one 
 so humble as myself may be permitted, I will here say, 
 that nothing could have afforded me so much pleasure as 
 this meeting, for there is nothing I so much reverence as the 
 man who has deserved well of his country." The stranger, 
 who was something of a wag, was not long in discovering 
 the major's weakness, though he addressed him with great 
 deference. But as the major held politeness as something 
 which chivalry demanded of all military men that they 
 never let themselves be outdone in, and for any little ne- 
 glect of which they were held to a severe account, he, 
 after making a becoming number of bows, replied in this 
 wise : " And since yeu know me so well, and the etiquette 
 of the profession commands that we speak not of our- 
 selves, will you honor me with your name and the pro- 
 fession you follow ? " 
 
 " Without the slightest hesitation, sir. I was educated 
 
214 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to the law ; but since the bar of our city is come to 
 be not what it should be, I have thought it as well to live 
 on my money, and save my character. As to my name, 
 they call me Frank Story." 
 
 " Combining all that is great, glorious, and honorable !" 
 exclaimed the major. " In the village where I was born, 
 your name is as familiar as that of the landlord of the tavern. 
 Having done much for your country, I make no doubt 
 you have sustained the honors left you by the great 
 dead I " 
 
 " I see, sir," returned he of the tall figure, " that you 
 take me for a descendant of the good and much lamented 
 Story." 
 
 " Truly so," interrupted the major. 
 
 " Which I am not,'' rejoined the speaker. 
 
 *' It makes no difference ; for I hold it just as well that 
 a man inherit the characteristics of a great man from a 
 similarity of name and profession as by having the same 
 blood in his veins. I hold to this philosophy, which I find 
 squares with that accepted by most of our great politicians 
 at this day. On my reputation as a military man, sir, I 
 came to respect these principles from first hearing them 
 advanced by General Oheyes McDuffy Quattlebum, while 
 in the Mexican War, which I had the honor to fight in. 
 Yes, sir ; I had the honor of fighting in that war, and have 
 seen many a man killed ! " Here the major gave his head 
 a significant toss, and placing his hat under his ann, thrust 
 his hand into the inevitable pockets of his trowsers. 
 "And as it was said of this Quattlebum that he was the 
 greatest living politician known in his state, which, if my 
 memory serves me, and it's not bad, was South Carolina, 
 I make no doubt you will give great weight to the opinion. 
 In truth, sir, you must know that this General Quattle- 
 bum was so well thought of in his state, that she would 
 
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 215 
 
 make no exception to his greatness, not even for so great 
 a general as Pringle, Allston Commander, who rose from 
 an honest man and a blacksmith, to be a great military 
 politician, embodying in himself all the necessary elements 
 for dissolving the Union, so desirable an object with the 
 people of Carolina." 
 
 He of the tall figure listened with commendable gravity 
 to this strange display of sense and nonsense, which af- 
 forded him much amusement. When the major concluded, 
 he presented me as the greatest living politician Cape Cod, 
 or indeed any other district of Massachusetts, had ever 
 given to the world. He, however, corrected himself, lest 
 what he had said might compromise his own preeminence, 
 and added that I had joined him merely to gain that ex- 
 perience so necessary to the perfection of all great minds. 
 This done, he commenced to give an account of his horse 
 and pig, whose rare qualities he failed not to extol highly ; 
 all of which afforded the listener an infinite amount of 
 amusement. Begging the major to excuse him for a few 
 moments, Frank Story slipped slily to where Flora and 
 Rose were setting the table, and calling the former aside, 
 held a conversation with her that showed they were intent 
 upon mischief, for she was heard to say, " Let me alone, 
 and you shall see how I will play my part." 
 
 And now that the refreshments were ready, (seats being 
 dispensed with on such occasions,) the party gathered 
 round the table, and were served by Flora with so much 
 ease and grace as to surprise even her own companions, 
 who had not thought her capable of such skill in the duties 
 of " a lady of the house." The major commenced to eat 
 with his eyes fast fixed upon Flora, to whom he anxiously 
 waited for an introduction. Meanwhile Nat Bradshawr 
 exhibiting great familiarity with corkscrews and cigars, 
 had uncorked the first bottle of champagne, for which the 
 
216 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 major had expressed a preference, seeing that it was a 
 favorite drink with the army. He of the tall figure now 
 lifted his effervescing glass, and having cast a glance at 
 the major and a wink at Flora, said : " Now, my pretty 
 cousin, prepare for a surprise ! " Flora looked up as if 
 confounded, while the others held their peace. " I will 
 not keep you longer in suspense," resumed the speaker, 
 " but inform you that the great statesman whom we seek, 
 and for whose reception in New York the city treasury 
 has been flung wide open, and which it is the object of the 
 Yacht Club to enhance by tendering him an escort, now 
 stands before you. My cousin, I now present you to 
 Major Roger Sherman Potter, whose political and military 
 fame even the most malicious writers have not dared to 
 defame — " 
 
 " Commonly called Major Roger Potter," whispered the 
 major, with a bow. 
 
 Having offered a sufficient number of apologies for the 
 errors he of the tall figure in turn introduced his cousin Flora 
 and her friend Rose to the major. The ladies affected not to 
 believe their senses, and for some moments looked at one 
 another in doubt, while the major, for the first time in his 
 life, acknowledged himself completely overwhelmed by 
 the compliment, as well as the strange news it conveyed. 
 Twice he bowed, and twice his tongue refused to serve 
 him. But in order the better to express his feelings, he 
 had recourse to that method most common with our great 
 actors, who lay their hands upon their waistcoats, look 
 devoutly into the pit, and seem very generally ready to 
 thank the gods for all their favors. 
 
 "And now, sir," spoke Flora, with great softness of 
 manner, " since fortune has been so kind as to afford me 
 this great and unexpected pleasure of being the first intro- 
 duced to one so renowned, I will propose a toast, and with 
 
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 217 
 
 your permission couple it with your name. I propose 
 that we drink, with three cheers : ' All honor to him who 
 has worthily served his country, in whose history his 
 name will be enshrined for the benefit of unborn genera- 
 tions.' " Having concluded, Flora gave her glass a twirl 
 over her head, and three cheers were given so heartily 
 that they went directly to the major's heart, and made him 
 declare within himself that there could now be no doubt 
 of his own greatness. 
 
 " Madam, upon my honor I am no flatterer, but being a 
 military man, gallantry demands of me some acknowledge- 
 ment of this compliment you have paid me, and which it 
 would be my life's happiest event to make, were it not 
 that your beauty so embarrasses me. Indeed, madam, I 
 have, while in Mexico, led various forlorn hopes, charged 
 the enemy's lines, and looked a shower of bullets in the 
 teeth without winking; and all these dangers I would 
 repeat a dozen times rather than face the fire of your 
 beauty, to which every hero, however great, must surren- 
 der himself a captive." 
 
 " What you say of my beauty, I might say of your 
 valor, than which there is to woman no stronger object of 
 admiration. To pay homage to valor is womanly on the 
 part of our sex. And never in my life have I felt, though 
 I have seen some brave men, that I was paying homage 
 to greatness with so much honor to myself I have read 
 in the newspapers that our nation, like a sinking ship, 
 was by you saved from, inevitable fate — " 
 
 " Indeed, madam, I leave it to others to say what I 
 have done for the nation. But you will not find me want- 
 ing when called upon ; and, as I have always said, give 
 me but a chance, and they shall have enough of my 
 greatness ! " 
 
 " Truly, sir," rejoined Flora, " I hold it fortunate that 
 10 
 
218 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the nation should have found so honest a man. But as gov- 
 ernment is something our sex take no part in, perhaps you 
 can tell me if there be any truth in the report, that politic- 
 ians have no higher aims in these days than plundering 
 the government ; and that patriotism being a thing quite 
 unknown, the great object with our congressmen is how 
 they can best put money in their pockets, in the pursuit 
 of which they are so insatiable as to sell their manliness 
 in exchange for it? " 
 
 " Since you have set me down for an honest man, madam, 
 which is no small compliment, I will say that my wife, 
 Polly Potter, who is something of a politician, and as true 
 a wife as needs be, always says of me, that my honesty will 
 be my fortune. And as she has a queer way of express- 
 ing herself, she has many times said to me, 'Roger, when 
 them politicians get to strippin' the nation to her very 
 skin, do thou be the man to come forward and hold down the 
 apron, and keep her shame from being altogether exposed.' 
 And this I have pledged her I would do, and may heaven 
 protect her. As for stripping the nation to the skin, or 
 even taking away her clothes, that, though I am neither 
 prophet nor editor, they shall never do while Major Potter 
 has an arm and a tongue." 
 
 Flora blushed, and for some minutes held her peace, 
 as well she might. And as he had gorged himself to that 
 degree that serious consequences were apprehended, and 
 was somewhat disturbed at the questions Plora would put 
 at the moment when his mouth was most full, and which 
 true politeness command that he reply to, the silence 
 which prevailed afforded him an excellent opportunity for 
 despatching his meal in peace. Nat Bradshaw, whose 
 countenance wore a sinister smile, added to the joke by 
 constantly fiUing the major's glass and pledging him in a 
 toa&t. 
 
NEW ACQUAINTANCES. 219 
 
 When the major had finished his supper, Flora, whose 
 nature was of such a turn that she could not give much 
 rest to her mischief, entreated him that he relate for their 
 entertainment some of the wonderful exploits of which he 
 was the hero during the Mexican War. 
 
 " Your grace and beauty, madam, and I am no flatterer, 
 demands that I comply with your request, though it is 
 against the rules of the profession, which set forth that the 
 deeds of all great military men are the property of the 
 nation," replied the major. But as his vanity was stronger 
 than his respect for the rules of the service, he at once 
 commenced and went on to relate some of the most won- 
 derful exploits ever achieved by mortal valor, all of which 
 he described as having taken place during the war with 
 Mexico, though I venture to assert that they have never 
 been recorded in any published history of that war. Nor 
 will it be necessary to add, that he made himself the hero 
 of every one of them. Indeed, if there was a forlorn hope 
 he had not led, or a plan of attack that had not been 
 suggested by him long before it was executed, they were 
 not worthy of mention in this history. And he would inter- 
 polate by saying : "All these things I relate no man will 
 deny, but as history takes care of my General Scott, so 
 such as me, who have braved the brunt of it, must see 
 to ourselves." And these marvelous adventures the 
 major would have gone on relating until the hour of morn- 
 ing, when sparrow^ rise, had not he of the tall figure put 
 an end to Flora's mischief, by remarking, that as the wind 
 was freshening, and the squadron had tacked ship, it was 
 necessary they return and report what had taken place to 
 the commodore, who would no doubt receive it as great 
 good news. " And now, sir," said he, taking the major 
 by the hand, " this meeting will long live in my memory ; 
 and since I see you need rest from your labors, the night, 
 
220 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 too, being far advanced, we will return and report, for I 
 see the fleet is put on the other tack, and our commodore 
 is strict in the enforcement of his orders. But if it meet 
 your pleasure, the squadron will to-morrow at ten o'clock 
 form port and starboard lines, fire a salute, and proceed in 
 escort. This done, the commodore will come on board 
 and pay the respect due to your distinguished position." 
 The major replied, that the honor, so unexpected, and in 
 truth so unmerited, he could not but confess would be most 
 gratifying to him; he would therefore prepare himself for 
 the occasion, hoping they would excuse any little defi- 
 ciency, for barring now and then he was not clever at an 
 impromptu speech. The party now took leave of him for 
 the night, and having handsomely rewarded Dame Snider 
 for the trouble they had given her, set sail on board the 
 Saucy Kate, her white sails flashing in the moonbeams as 
 she made for the fleet, and the music of Flora's voice float- 
 ing sweetly over the sea. 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 WHICH EELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS RECEIVED BY THE 
 COMMODORE OP THE YACHT SQUADRON, AND SUNDRY 
 OTHER QUEER THINGS, WITHOUT WHICH THIS HISTORY 
 WOULD NOT SUSTAIN ITS CHARACTER FOR TRUTH. 
 
 Ungrateful indeed would it be in me, the writer of 
 this history, the companion in arms, and admirer of all 
 that is great and good in the major as a military politician, 
 did I fail to record, in honor of his gallantry, of which 
 none could he more scrupulous, that he offered his arm 
 and escorted Flora safe on board the Saucy Kate, apolo- 
 gizing for the worn condition of his raiment, and regretting 
 exceedingly that be was not habited in his uniform. And 
 although flushed with the importance of what had taken 
 place, the major was haunted with a misgiving as to what 
 ladies of such q[uality would think of his traveling in so 
 humble a manner. But he bethought himself, that neither 
 scepters, nor miters, nor grand equipages, make the man — 
 in fine, that a man may ride an ass without saddle or 
 bridle and- find a good home in heaven, when the doors 
 would be shut against bishops who roll about in liveries 
 devised by the devil, which is his occupation. And this 
 brought him such infinite relief, that he hastened to his 
 faithful old Battle, and having bestowed upon him sundry 
 caresses, told him he ought to be thankful he had so fortu- 
 nate a master. He also paid a visit to his pig, who was 
 sleeping soundly in his cage of slats. " Now, then," said 
 
 [221] 
 
222 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the major to himself, as he looked in upon the animal with 
 an air of great self-satisfaction, " in the possession of this 
 gifted creature I have a staunch reliance. And should 
 forhine again send me strolling upon the world, as it has 
 done many a popular politician, I will so develop this 
 fellow's gifts that they shall he worth a hank in Wall 
 Street. In truth, he is as well hred as most of our politi- 
 cians ; and as to his honesty, I will pit him against any of 
 them." As Duncan did not manifest the slightest regard 
 for these kindly tokens, the major went quietly into the 
 cahin, and there occupied himself for more than an hour 
 furbishing up a sword of uncommon size, and a three 
 cornered hat the moths had reduced to dilapidation, though 
 he charged it all to the bullets of the Mexicans. And when 
 they were polished to his entire satisfaction, and he had 
 twice or thrice thanked God that it was not the failing of 
 politicians to turn parsons, as it was with parsons to turn 
 politicians, he lay down upon the locker and soon was in 
 a sound sleep, in which he dreamed of a thousand or more 
 things that were to take place in honor of him on the fol- 
 lowing day. 
 
 The Saucy Kate was not long in gaining the commo- 
 dore's yacht, a rakish looking schooner of some two hun- 
 dred tons, whose lofty spars and middle staysail were seen 
 overtopping the sails of her lesser companions, like a giant 
 among dwarfs. And although it was past midnight when 
 Frank Story entered her cabin, he found it filled with 
 members of the club, who, at the invitation of the commo- 
 dore, had left their several yachts, and were making night 
 jubilant over a table spread with choice wines, of which 
 there was no stint. There were also massive punch bowls, 
 of chased silver, standing here and there along the table, 
 and filled with delicious punch, which those who preferred 
 drank from goblets of silver and gold. Commodore Skim- 
 
THE COMMODOEE OF THE SQUADRON. 223 
 
 inerhorn, who sat at the head of the table, was a man of 
 rotund figure, had a bright, ruddy face, and was frank and 
 easy in his bearing. When he of the tall figure entered 
 they were discussing a question of Greek criticism, some 
 of the members of the club being men of much taste and 
 learning. But this they suspended in order to hear his 
 report of the strange sloop. And this he commenced to 
 relate, describing with so mjich quaint humor the wonder- 
 ful major he had found on board, that they were all sur- 
 prised and astonished. In truth, not a few proposed going 
 immediately to pay their respects to him, and learn to what 
 manner of mankind he belonged. But if they were sur- 
 prised with the description, they marveled when told that 
 this major was no less a person than he whom the New 
 York politicians intended to make such an ado over. 
 However, as the New York politicians were most known 
 for their folly, and making a hero now and then was with 
 them a means of getting bread, it was not so surprising 
 that they chose for a candidate one who would pass readily 
 for a fool. 
 
 The speaker added, that with all the vanity of the 
 man, (and in conceits he could not be surpassed even by the 
 erudite Dr. Easley, who contemplated himself the most 
 learned scholar and critic,) he sometimes spoke such sense 
 as to make the listener mistake him for a wise man. He 
 next afforded them much diversion by relating what pass- 
 ed when he informed the major how the squadron had 
 come in search of him, and were delighted at being first 
 to do him honor. Every one present entered immediately 
 into the joke they resolved to carry out on the following 
 day, which was arranged with great deliberation, lest any 
 part of it should fail of being properly executed. 
 
 And now that Aurora had taken down her shutters, and 
 was filling the eastern sky with pale, misty light, that 
 
224 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 threw an halo over the deep, dark foliage of the mountain 
 heights, reflecting their shadows along the still, polished 
 waters, so lovely was the morning, so like a picture of re- 
 pose each object, and the whole so invested with a myste- 
 rious stillness, that one might have mistaken it for a fairy 
 scene. The yacht sq^uadron was ranging alongside of the 
 " Two Marys," forming a port and starboard line, with 
 the Commodore off the weatljer bow. As the sun peeped 
 out from the watery horizon, two guns were discharged 
 from the Commodore's yacht, and so loud was the report 
 that the major suddenly stopped his snoring, and spring- 
 ing to his feet in a state of great confusion, began to call 
 out at the top of his voice that the sloop was sinking. 
 But he as suddenly regained his senses, and called to mind 
 the honors that were to be paid him, he felt great alarm 
 lest he had overslept himself, and besought Captain Luke 
 Snider, who turned out of his berth at the same moment, 
 to run upon deck and say he was not quite ready to re- 
 ceive them. But as Captain Luke took no heed of his 
 request, and thought only of getting into port, the major, 
 in his great anxiety, ran himself upon deck in his shirt, 
 and cut so sorry a figure that no man would have envied 
 him. All was as still and lonely as the Lybian coast — 
 not a wail came over the sea. Now only the dull stillness 
 was broken by some forlorn robin whistling his song along 
 the shore. 
 
 The major, satisfied that the cannon were fired only to 
 welcome the rising sun, and not in honor of him, returned 
 to the cabin, where he got into his breeches and boots. 
 He then drew from under a pile of rubbish in one of the 
 berths, a pair of holsters, he declared were presented to 
 him by General Jefferson Davis, for gallant deeds done 
 during the Mexican War, though no sensible man would 
 have given a dime for them. With these, and his saddle 
 
THE COMMODORE OP THE SQUADRON. 225 
 
 and bridle, he again repaired upon deck, where, after no 
 little exertion, he got old Battle upon his feet. 
 
 " It seems, my faithful horse, as if heaven lent thee to 
 me for a mighty purpose,'' said the major, addressing his 
 horse, who gave himself a hearty shake, and stretched his 
 head and neck to their utmost extent. And after he had 
 said many other encouraging things to his horse, he gave 
 him such an excellent rubbing down that, had it not been 
 for the immense size of his legs, which now appeared 
 quite as short as the major's, no one would have taken 
 him for the same animal. This done, he bridled and sad- 
 dled him ; and with the holsters secured (though they 
 were without pistols,) he was in the major's eye, as war- 
 like a horse as could be desired. 
 
 The morning advanced, and breakfast was scarcely over, 
 when a breeze sprung up, which, giving the squadron a 
 leading wind, they began to trim their sails. A port gun 
 Avas then fired from the commodore's yacht, which was 
 followed by their colors being run up, and floating gayly 
 in the wind. A boat now put off, and being rowed by 
 four men, with an officer in the stern sheets, soon reached 
 the " Two Marys." The officer came on board, and with 
 great courtesy of manner, inquired for Major Roger Pot- 
 ter, who now came forward dressed in the most wonderful 
 uniform ever worn by military politician, inasmuch as 
 there were two patches on his seat of honor, and his coat, 
 which could boast of but one epaulette, had lost a portion 
 of the tails. 
 
 " He whom you seek, honored sir," replied the major, 
 making a low bow, " stands before you. And as I see you 
 are an officer, here's my hand, for it does me good to meet 
 a brave man." 
 
 The officer who was slender of figure, and had a youth- 
 ful appearance, now delivered a letter from the commo- 
 10* 
 
226 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 dore, saying that Le was delighted to have met one who 
 had so distinguished himself in the country's service, and 
 that he held it an honor of no small importance that he 
 had been selected to perform this mission. And when he 
 had taken his departure, which he did without further 
 ceremony, the major approached me, and opening the let- 
 ter, asked me to read it, as he was none of the q[uickest 
 at reading writing, which, indeed, was a failing with all 
 great men. I took the letter from his hands, and read as 
 follows : 
 
 " On board Yacht , June 14th, 
 
 Throg's Point bearing W.N.W. 12 miles distance. 
 " The Commodore of the Yacht Squadron presents his 
 compliments to his honor, Major Potter, and begs to say 
 that on becoming aware of the great reception to be given 
 him in New York, and that it was solely in consideration 
 of the great services rendered his country, in war as well 
 as peace, the members of this club, desirous of enhancing 
 the grandeur of that reception, passed a resolution declar- 
 ing it their unanimous will to proceed without delay to 
 meet you, offer you their congratulations, and escort you 
 to the city. And as the duty of presenting you their con- 
 gratulations devolves upon me, I have in accordance with 
 the usages now common among all public speakers, trans- 
 mitted a copy of the remarks I intend to make, to the 
 end that you may be released from all embarrassment. 
 " With great consideration, &c., &c., 
 
 " Van Stiver Skimjierhorn, 
 " Commodore Commanding, &c., &c.'' 
 " To the Hon. Major Roger Potter, 
 On board the sloop ' Two Marys.' " 
 
 On hearing this read, the major's head seemed to fill 
 
THE COMMODORE OF THE SQUADRON. 227 
 
 with various suspicions, for his hands again went into his 
 inevitable pockets, and he gave his shoulders a shrug ex- 
 pressive of his thoughts. But his suspicions never stuck 
 to him long, and he soon found comfort in the fact that 
 there was the commodore's full name attached to it. He 
 then set to teasing his beard, and giving himself to his 
 thoughts. " Pray, young man," said he, " say nothing of 
 my trade in tin, for I see these are men of quality, and, 
 having heard of me only through the newspapers, know 
 but little of my true history. But, let my enemies say 
 what they will, I am not a man to stand at trifles. Honors 
 never puzzle me : it's the thickness of them. I say, though, 
 that when fame puts a man on the pedestal he must never 
 think of falling to the ground, for that would be a fear un- 
 worthy my profession." He now read and reread the 
 commodore's letter, and at length said, that though he 
 had written speeches for and given grammar lessons to New 
 York members of Congress, the composing a suitable reply 
 on such an occasion as this alarmed him not a little. In 
 truth, such little things belonged entirely to polite society, 
 and required a grace and diction rarely attained by politic- 
 ians. Indeed, he regretted much that he was not where 
 he could obtain the services of one of those New York 
 critics, who, being the sons and grandsons of poor bishops, 
 write learned book notices by the yard, and get up ad- 
 dresses for distinguished actresses, who deliver them on 
 occasions of receiving bracelets and necklaces from their 
 admiring friends. " Eemember, young man," he resumed, 
 " that the path of honor is open to you as well as me. 
 I say this, because it has just struck me, that we can best 
 fulfill our obligations to one another, by your writing the 
 speeches and me delivering them. Heaven forbid that I 
 should want to wrong you ; but we must take up the fruit 
 as it falls. Now surely yon will write me a neat reply to 
 
228 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 this fellow — say much about what I have sacrificed, mak- 
 ing it, at the same time, so easy that they shall not have 
 a suspicion of the authorship. And above all, endeavor 
 to make me speak like a sensible gentleman." 
 
 Ha'sdng taken great pains to aid the major in all his ex- 
 ploits, I was more than anxious that he should deport 
 himself properly on this occasion, and hence readily con- 
 sented to accept the task of preparing his reply, selecting 
 for the service all the choice words I could find in an old 
 speech of Thomas Benton's, delivered by him many years 
 ago, in reply to an address in compliment of his thirty 
 years' services in the United States Senate, and presented 
 by a committee of the Young Men's Missionary Society 
 for distributing bibles to indigent authors. It must here 
 be said of these young gentlemen, that they had no masked 
 motive in thus complimenting the venerable senator, which 
 they did simply from hearing that his compassions had 
 taken a new turn. 
 
 I soon arranged the method of my important task, and 
 was teaching the major how to deliver the speech, when a 
 barge was seen along side of the commodore's yacht. Then 
 a salute of seven guns announced the embarkation, and 
 when the smoke rolled awaj', the barge, rowed by eight 
 sturdy fellows, was seen skimming over the sea, and mak- 
 ing for the Two Marys with all speed. " Upon my soul 
 they are coming, and a mej-ry party they are," said the 
 major, settling himself in his strange uniform. The barge 
 pulled alongside, as the portly figure of the commodore, 
 his chapeau raised, stood up in the stern for a moment, 
 and then mounting over the rail was on the deck of the 
 Two Marys in a trice. The major now came forward 
 with an air of pomp and circumstance it would not be easy 
 for the reader to paint in his imagination, unless indeed he 
 had seen General Webb on his way to a tea party. The 
 
THE COMMODORE OF THE SQUADRON. 229 
 
 commodore now elongated liis body and bowed, and the 
 major elongated his body and bowed ; after which they ap- 
 proached one another as men so distinguished ought to do, 
 when he of the tall figure, who accompanied the commo- 
 dore, came forward, and with great deference of manner 
 did the honors of the introduction. And when they had 
 exchanged civilities and bows to their satisfaction, the 
 commodore spoke as follows : " Since, sir, the high honor 
 of presenting you with the congratulations of our club 
 devolves upon me, I may here be permitted to say, that 
 no event of my whole life has afforded me so much pleas- 
 ure. In presenting, then, their hearty congratulations, wel- 
 coming you at the same time to our great metropolis and 
 its hospitalities, I cannot too highly express my sense of 
 the many services you have rendered the country, which 
 owes you a higher reward than this club can bestow. In 
 addressing the great and the good — the hero who has 
 fought his country's battles, and the statesman who has 
 carried her safely through impending dangers, our emotions 
 too frequently carry away our power to render due homage. 
 Let me beg you, then, to make every allowance for this 
 feeble manifestation of our high regard. Your fame as a 
 statesman and patriot, as a soldier and a gentleman, is well 
 known and appreciated among us. You have, whenever 
 your country required, lent it the strength of your arm 
 and the influence of j'our high position ; and we seek to 
 pay you homage, because we know, that should she need 
 it again, you would not be found wanting. Nor do we 
 forget your high personal worth, for we have read how 
 well and worthily you have acted the part of a philanthro- 
 pist, in raising up suffering humanity and redressing the 
 outraged. As au humble expression of our esteem, we 
 beg you then to accept the services of the squadron under 
 my command, in escorting you to the city, where your 
 
230 ADVENTURES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 many political admirers are prepared to receive you with 
 such honors as greatness never fails to command." The 
 speaker concluded, maintaining his gravity of countenance. 
 But the major bowed and was not a little confused, while 
 several of those who stood by, cried out " bravo ! " and 
 were much diverted. 
 
 "Truly, Mr. Commodore," replied the major, whose 
 head was so thin that he had let every word of the speech 
 I prepared for him get out of it, " as a principle, you may 
 set it down that the weight of an honor is best felt by the 
 man who has deserved it. In accepting the flattering 
 tribute of respect you offer me, let me say, that although I 
 am no scurvy politician, and have opinions enough of my 
 own, I intend to let history take care of my acts, for the ver- 
 dict of the nation, which is an exacting tribunal, is rendered 
 in my favor, and if the devil and my enemies only mind 
 their business, there will be no negd to meddle with it, as 
 I have heard it said of other men. And now that I am 
 more a man of acts than words, as no doubt you have read, 
 let me say that I accept this great honor, the sincerity of 
 which is evident in the earnestness with which you offer 
 it, with as many thanks as a man can, hoping that your 
 great metropolis may grow greater and be all you expect 
 of it ; and like a chaste and virtuous woman, do you see 
 to her, that she be not exposed to the designs of dema- 
 gogues, and that her virtues creep along with her fair 
 fame." The major delivered these remarks with go much 
 ease and fluency, that the listeners stood in silence, and 
 began to think the man they had had described to them 
 for a fool, was in truth an eccentric politician, who was 
 using this mode of discourse only as ^ means of decep- 
 tion. But when he invited them to examine his horse 
 and pig, which he did while giving the most wonderful 
 description of their varied good qualities, and the many 
 
THE COMMODORE OF THE SQUADRON. 231 
 
 services they had rendered him, the color of his brain 
 at once discovered itself. 
 
 One after another, the party, having exchanged congrat- 
 ulations, engaged the major in conversation, and found 
 that he had ready answers for all their questions, though 
 many of them were far off the mark, illustrating the fact, 
 that his mind had been much given to the affairs of the 
 nation, of which he had the most confused ideas. In order 
 to afford the visitors some diversion, he also uncaged his pig, 
 and made him perform a series of antics truly wonderful, 
 and with which they not only expressed themselves highly 
 satisfied, but deeply interested." 
 
 The major now visited the commodore's yacht, and was 
 received with a salute of thirteen guns, which he felt in his 
 heart were solely in compliment to his humble worth. A 
 party of richly dressed ladies were on board the yacht, 
 and received the major with so much deference, that he 
 felt sure not even the slightest mark of respect had. been 
 omitted. In fine, the ladies all gathered about him, and 
 were so eager to emulate one another in showing him res- 
 pect and conciliating his favor, that even Tlora, who de- 
 clared herself his first admirer, could with difficulty get an 
 opportunity to present him her souvenir in the shape of a 
 wine cup bearing her name. " Ah ! sir," said Flora, re- 
 proachfully, " last night you condescended to smile upon 
 me, and I took your smiles for serious intentions. Indeed, 
 I say it in honest truth, that your winning manners had 
 much affected me, though my heart is not of the melting 
 sort. But now, sir, I see you are an arrant coquette, and 
 no exception to the rest of your profession." Another 
 damsel of comely features had set upon the major, and was 
 exciting his vanity to no small extent, when Flora inter- 
 rupted with the above remarks, preserving a most impa- 
 tient countenance as she did so. 
 
232 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 " As I live, fair maiden, I have no wrong intentions, for 
 my wife, Polly Potter, is not yet dead ; nor is it right of a 
 soldier to trifle with the weaknesses of woman. Being a 
 soldier and no flatterer, I will say this, that your beauty 
 has made me your vassal, and had I a dozen hearts, ten 
 at least would be yours." 
 
 When they had frolicked with him to their hearts' con- 
 tent, they escorted him into the cabin, where a sumptuous 
 collation was prepared, and to which he, after considerable 
 ceremony, sat down and ate enough to have satisfied three 
 critics for at least a week. They then plied him with 
 punches and other strong drinks, which were so mixed as 
 to seriously affect his brain, for it began to reel up his 
 vision, and he broke forth in the most spasmodic strains, 
 addressing those present, whom he declared a political as- 
 semblage, on the state of the nation. In my determination 
 never to swerve from the truth in this history, I am com- 
 pelled here to record, that the Yacht Club found they had 
 paid dearly for their joke, inasmuch as the major, adopting 
 the conduct most in fashion among the politicians of Tam- 
 many Hall, did, during one of his strongest oratorical 
 displays, suddenly spring upon the table, demolishing 
 much valuable glass, and making wreck of everything in 
 the vicinity, which, as a popular politician, he swore he had 
 a right to do. The state of confusion being now complete, 
 the ladies ran screaming up on deck, and it was with great 
 difficulty the major could be restrained from behaving him- 
 self like a madman. At length, from raving about the state 
 of the nation, he relapsed into a state of stupor, in which 
 he became so insensible that they were all alarmed lest 
 death step in and put an untimely end to his existence. 
 In truth, so much did they fear the result of their joke, 
 that they would have sent for a parson and begged him 
 to pray kindly for the poor man, but that he opened his 
 
THE COMMODORE OF THE SQUADRON" 283 
 
 eyes, and gave out such other signs of returning conscious- 
 ness as assured them that the only danger now to be feared 
 was that he would soil certain portions of his raiment, 
 which, were it to get out, (and there were always malicious 
 persons ready to speak ill of a politician so famous,) it 
 would do him irreparable damage. 
 
 And now, having transcended the limits of my chapter, 
 I must beg the impatient reader, if he love a joke, and 
 have no scruples about its nakedness, to turn to the next, 
 where he will find a result to his satisfaction. 
 
CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 WHICH BELATES HOW THE MAJOR WAS EESTOKED TO 
 PERFECT HEALTH ; AND ALSO AN AUTHENTIC DESCRIP- 
 TION OF WHAT TOOK PLACE ON HIS ARRIVAL IN 
 NEW YORK. 
 
 If, reader, you be an honest man, and in any way ac- 
 quainted with the pranks of politicians in these our times, 
 you will not pour forth a lamentation over what I have 
 written ; for I take it you will see that I have broken the 
 filthy clods only, to get at the real truth. But if you be 
 a politician, thief, or housebreaker — in fine, if you belong 
 to any of these twin professions, the members of which 
 find it convenient to extinguish the light of their own his- 
 tory, and take no delight in truths which concern them- 
 selves, then I may expect to be visited with your eternal 
 enmity. Sweeten, then, your breath ; and if you would 
 send me to that place I have firmly resolved never to go 
 to, pray call to your aid such papers as the New York 
 Tribune and Evangelist, for they are both clever at send- 
 ing all who differ from them to the devil, without even 
 the aid of clergy. And as those sent to the devil by this 
 medium have only the Editor of the Herald for mourner, 
 just imagine that gentleman in tears, and chide me no 
 more, for I must see to the major. 
 
 The critical condition in which I left the major renders 
 it imperative that I should return to him without further 
 delay. And I must here say, then, in restoring him to 
 [234] 
 
HE REACHES NEW YORK. 235 
 
 consciousness, that much ice water was used, a portion of 
 his hair and heard was shaved off, and sundry aromatic 
 liquids applied to counteract an odor that was by no means 
 delightful to the senses. And when he had recovered 
 suificiently to sit up, his eyes were fixed confusedly upon 
 those about him ; then his hands wandered to his haunches, 
 and he heaved a deep sigh. " Pray tell me, gentlemen, 
 (for I seem to have just come out of a trance,) what has 
 befallen me? Pray tell me. i^entlemen, that I may offer 
 you such an apology as be. nuies my position, for I am in 
 a condition no man need envy. And to lose a hard earned 
 reputation so easily is no trifling thing." The commodore 
 was struggling to suppress his laughter, which had been 
 excited by the forlornness of the figure before him. He 
 however begged the major to be composed. As to losing 
 his reputation by so trifling an accident, he enjoined him 
 not to think of it, since history afforded numerous instances 
 of great heroes who had met with similar ones. In truth, 
 it was just such an accident, taking place on the commence- 
 ment of a great battle, that saved General Gushing from 
 the bullets of the enemy, and his life to the country ! 
 And this timely accident I record here for the benefit of 
 that admiring generation which is yet to come, and which 
 might be deceived by that worthy historian, the author 
 of " The Mexican War," who recorded with so much 
 faithfulness all his gallant deeds, and hanged himself 
 when he had finished. Hearing this, he at once took 
 heart, and declaring that it was all owing to a derange- 
 ment of the stomach, said, that although it was the first 
 time in his life that he had ever met with such an accid- 
 ent, he had not the slightest doubt of its influence for 
 good, since a man's virtues lay in his power to bear 
 up under such trials. 
 
 They were now nearing the city, and the "Two Marys" 
 
236 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 having been left far astern, the squadron put about, pre- 
 paratory to setting the major on board his own ship, 
 which was done without the firing of a gun, and with as 
 much caution as if they had been handling eggs of a ven- 
 erable age. It must however be said for the credit of the 
 military profession, that the major never relaxed one iota 
 of his gallantry, and left the yacht with many kind re- 
 membrances for the ladies, especially Miss Flora, whose 
 beauty he declared he had never seen excelled, though 
 he had read all Mrs. Southworth's novels by candle light. 
 It ought also to be mentioned that one of the officers, see- 
 ing his necessities, and being a man of a philanthropic 
 turn, gave him a pair of breeches, with a stripe down the 
 side. And with these the major consoled himself that he 
 had at least parted friends with the Yacht Club, and 
 that, after all, there was no great loss without some small 
 gain. 
 
 The squadron executed a maneuver, fired two guns, 
 and parted company with the "Two Marys," as, with 
 seven days' news from Barnstable, she neared Peck Slip, 
 and made fast to a wharf, on which was assembled a 
 very dejected looking throng of people. Those fortunate 
 enough to have hats took them off, and began cheering 
 in the wildest manner, whilst the more respectable, whose 
 raiment was of an exceedingly damp description, and had 
 been used at night for beds, took to using their hands upon 
 the heads of their neighbors. Here and there a philo- 
 sophical policeman was seen, with his hands in his pockets. 
 " Heavens ! " said I to myself, " instead of being on the road 
 to fame, we have fallen among vagabonds, who will plun- 
 der us ! " But I was relieved of my fears by being in- 
 formed that they were all honest voters, who, though they 
 had not a shirt to their backs, took righteous good care of 
 the city's affairs. 
 
HE BEACHES NEW YOKK. 237 
 
 When it became known that the major and myself were 
 really on board, there was a great firing of guns, and such 
 other demonstrations of welcome as made the major glad 
 at heart ; for he had changed his nether garments, and 
 was now sure the news of what had so recently befallen 
 him had not reached New York. There now came on 
 board four flabby men, dreamy of countenance, and whose 
 dilapidated garments bespoke them persons of menial oc- 
 cupations. But as neither St. Paul, nor Alexander the 
 Great, nor Henry "Ward Beecher, (who, I take it, is as 
 great a man as either of them, and will leave more por- 
 traits of himself than both,) never dressed according to 
 their "circumstances," so these four flabby men, the major 
 thought, must not be judged by the condition of their 
 raiment, for it was nothing new to see great men shabbily 
 dressed. 
 
 The shortest of the four flabby men, an oily sort of shabby 
 gentleman, who was blind of an eye, and had very disordered 
 red hair; and a bruise on the end of a very red nose, which 
 looked like a birch knot growing upon a redder face, now 
 came jauntily forward, and having doffed a much damaged 
 hat, that sat on the side of his head with a challenging air, 
 and approaching the major, who had arranged his uniform 
 to the best advantage, spoke as follows : " Long life 
 t'yer 'onor, for me name's Dinnis Finnigan, born on the 
 banks of Lough Neagh, near Kerry ; but for all that, as I 
 says to myself, Dinnis yer jist as good an American as 
 iver drew first breath on the soil. And now, seein' it's 
 yersel. Major Potter " — 
 
 " Commonly called Major Roger Potter," interrupted 
 the major, with a bow. " And since I see you seek me, 
 I may say I'm the person. I make no doubt you have 
 heard of me. I need not say how glad I am to see you, 
 
238 ADVENTURES OF ItAJOK POTTEE. 
 
 for that will be told you by my private secretary." Here 
 the major turned round and cast a glance at me. 
 
 " The same man that wouldn't hear of the likes o' ye, 
 major, would'nt be much of a politician. Ye'r as wilcom 
 as the flowers of May, jist,'' resumed Mr. Dinnis Finni- 
 gan, who now disclosed the singular fact that, (Mr. Fin- 
 nigan was a reformed member of the " Dead Rabbit 
 Club,") he now formed one of the Board of Common 
 Council, where no man could vote better on a question of 
 money. Mr. Finnigan was evidently not dead to the im- 
 portance of his office, for he promised no end of things in 
 honor of the major, to the carrying out of which he pledg- 
 ed the city, and would with equal sincerity (for his mind 
 was in a condition to make cities appear very small) have 
 pledged the whole Union. 
 
 The major had for some moments been fixing his eyes 
 upon Mr. Finnigan with a scrutinizing stare. Suddenly 
 his face became flushed, his eye quickened its glare, and 
 he stammered out, " I know what belongs to good man- 
 ners, and though you may be a councilman, Mr. Finni- 
 gan, my eyes, and they are good ones, tell me I have seen 
 you before." 
 
 " Faith, an' that same's not unlikely," interposed the 
 moist councilman. 
 
 "Aye, and when you went by the name of Greeley 
 Hanniford, and followed an occupation that cost me all 
 my money." 
 
 Here Mr. Finnigan quickly interrupted by saying that 
 as they had both attained to the position of gentlemen, it 
 were best to adopt Bishop Hughes' motto, and let bye 
 gones be bye gones. In truth the major recognized in 
 Councilman Finnigan, the honest Quaker, Greeley Hanni- 
 ford, who, with General Fopp, of " Pleasant-side Eow," 
 
He reaches new York. 239 
 
 had managed to relieve him of all his money during his 
 first adventure in New York. 
 
 " But although he neither acted justly nor honorably 
 towards me, our conditions have changed, and it does not 
 become my high position to rake this thing up now, so 
 let's hope he is come an honest man, and a good politic- 
 ian ! " thought the major, extending his hand to the moist 
 councilman, who Was not a little troubled at the old re- 
 miniscence. 
 
 " And my motto is, major, let them what's dead, stay 
 dead ! But since its not mysel is to spake the addriss, but 
 Dan DoOley, who, by the Virgin, is an alderman, a gintle- 
 man, and the friend of Father Fogarty — " 
 
 Seeing there was an old scoi-e to be wiped out between 
 Mr. Councilman Finnigan and the major, Mr. Alderman 
 Dan Dooley, who was the tallest of the four flabby men, 
 and a whiskey visaged gentleman of ponderous parts, now 
 came fussily forward, and after exchanging many bows and 
 compliments with the major, saying how extremely glad 
 he was to welcome him to the city, introduced him to 
 his son in law. Councilman Dennis Blennerhasset, a frisky 
 little man, with a cocked up nose, and an expression of 
 countenance in which no man with half an eye could fail 
 to read in what land he drew his first breath, if, indeed, 
 the rich brogue with which he returned the major's saluta- 
 tion had not already revealed it. Having, long since, re- 
 solved not to have my veracity as a historian impeached, 
 I must not forget to state here, (and I warn every pug- 
 nacious critic to be careful how he points his lance at me,) 
 that Alderman Dennis Dooley, although the firm friend of 
 Father Fogarty, was said to be the ablest editor on the 
 Evening Express, which for its profundity of logic, and 
 purity of style, was truly a marvel in journalism. As for 
 Councilman Blennerhasset, no man could bring aught against 
 
'240 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 his capacity for mixing compounds of deleterious liquors, 
 which he sold to the decaying humanity of his district ; 
 and, being what was considered a modest man, the no- 
 tion came into his head that he was born for the high of- 
 fice of Councilman the very day he married the daughter of 
 Alderman Dooley. Mr. Councilman Blennerhasset spoke 
 of himself as we the common council, we the elected to do 
 you honor on this great occasion ; we the representatives 
 of this great and glorious metropolis. Having accommo- 
 dated the we a sufficient number of times to satisfy us that 
 he had the whole city nicely tucked away in the pocket 
 of his shabby coat, he turned round to introduce Alder- 
 man Barney O'Toole, who, as a man and a gentleman, 
 could do more off hand fighting than any other man in the 
 board, and was the fourth of the flabby men. But that 
 distinguished politician and gentleman, who had been 
 seven times sentenced for smashing the skulls of his ad- 
 versaries, was not at hand, having, while Mr. Blennerhas- 
 set was thickening the compliments, winked me down 
 into the cabin, where he drew from his pocket a luminous 
 bottle of old Bourbon whiskey, and in the most friendly 
 manner offered to pledge me in numerous glasses. 
 
 Just at this moment, a dozen or so of wan faced reporters, 
 in massive beards and black hats, pressed eagerly through 
 the crowd, and went to work like beavers dotting down 
 all that was said, and a little more. Then commenced 
 the address by Alderman Dan Dooley, whose breath was 
 redolent of anything but the balm of a thousand flowers, 
 and who delivered his speech with an unctuous self satis- 
 faction, and in a style of rhetoric totally unknown to 
 Pericles, and never thought of by Demosthenes. The 
 address was carefully worded, so as to make the major a 
 greater statesman than had been known in any previous 
 age, which is a fashion at this day ; and if I be not much mis- 
 
HE REACHES NEW YORK. 241 
 
 taken, this speech was written hy that witty scribbler of the 
 '' Times " newspaper, who gets up speeches for heroes at 
 five minutes' notice, and then, having pocketed the money, 
 laughs in his sleeve at the men he has made fools. 
 
 As addresses of the nearest possible resemblance to 
 that delivered on this occasion by Alderman Dan 
 Dooley, may be found almost any day in the morning pa- 
 pers, I hold it good economy not to occupy my valuable 
 space in recording it here. Nor, indeed, will it be neces- 
 sary to insert the major's reply, since it was very similar 
 to that made by him to the Commodore of the Yacht Glnb, 
 and may also be found in all the newspapers. And now, 
 when these ceremonies were over, the major bethought him 
 of his horse and pig, the former of which he found sur- 
 rounded by a swarm of unruly hoys, whom the strange figure 
 he cut, with the holsters and saddlebags mounted, afforded 
 much amusement. The latter was quietly lying down in his 
 cage, but came forward to render homage as soon as he 
 heard the major's voice. I should mention that the major 
 always aimed to be up to the fashion of the times, and 
 learning from Councilman Blennerhasset that demonstra- 
 tions of a more public character had recently been declined 
 by one or two very distinguished politicians, he made up 
 his mind not to be a whit behind any of them, (for the 
 reason of which the reader may discover by conjecture,) 
 and therefore positively declined all public demonstra- 
 tions, notwithstanding the Splinters' Guard was soon on 
 the spot, ready to do him escort duty. He, however, retired 
 into the cabin, where, (I say it without envy, for I love a 
 brave soldier,) he took a q[uiet glass of whiskey and a 
 sandwich with the very honorable " committee of recep- 
 tion."' And this being duly noted by the reporters, (one 
 of whom was seen purloining a sandwich or two,) the ma- 
 jor gave directions about the care of his pig, ordered his 
 11 
 
242 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 saddlebags upon old Battle, who was weak enough in the 
 extremities, and proceeded to the wharf amidst the deaf- 
 ening acclamations of a hundred ragged urchins, who, 
 notwithstanding the distress of the animal, would have 
 mounted and rode away, but for the kindly interposition 
 of two policemen. 
 
 There was standing on the wharf a somewhat dilapid- 
 ated carriage, to which four lean gray horses, such as are 
 used for drawing all great heroes through the city, were 
 harnessed, and presented so forlorn a figure that one might 
 easily have imagined them employed by the devil to con- 
 vey to his dominions that shabby class of sinners consign- 
 ed to him on Sunday evenings by the Rev. Henry Ward 
 Beecher. Into this the distinguished representatives of 
 the great metropolis insisted upon getting the major, that 
 he might be conveyed to the apartments secured for him 
 at the great St. Nicholas Hotel, in a manner becoming so 
 great a politician. But as the major was not qv^te sure 
 whether his reputation would be best preserved by stick- 
 ing to the politician, or by dropping the politician, and 
 sticking to his laurels as a military man, he shook his 
 head and hesitated for some time. He was half inclined 
 to dub himself the warrior ; and as warriors always ap- 
 peared best on horseback, he was, to the great delight of 
 the throng, about to mount his faithful animal, assign 
 me his seat in the hero-trap, and follow at a respectful dis- 
 tance. But he bethought himself that both were noble pro- 
 fessions ; and, surely, to emulate in both must be a prom- 
 inent desire -with all great men. After holding a consultation 
 with me, he said he always remembered the motto : " Great 
 is the man who humbles himself." Being satisfied then that 
 it would not lessen his dignity, nor, indeed, in any way 
 detract from the character of a military politician, who 
 had need enough to look to his laurels, he agreed that Al- 
 
HE REACHES NEW YORK. 243 
 
 derman Dan Dooley should ride old Battle. And with this 
 resolve he at once repaired to the carriage, in which he took 
 a seat with the three gentlemen of the committee, leaving 
 me to pick my way as hest I could, and drove away for 
 the hotel, (followed at a respectful distance by the loqua- 
 cious alderman, thus comically mounted,) with this strange 
 string of cattle. And this wonderful cortege was followed 
 by scores of hooting and ragged urchins, who switched 
 old Battle's gambrels, and annoyed him in so many ways, 
 that the alderman at length lost his temper, and was several 
 times forced to dismount and beat back the harassing 
 enemy with stones and such other weapons as he could 
 lay his hands on. 
 
 And now, gentle reader, fearing I may weary you with 
 this long train of nonsense, which, however, I have endea- 
 vored to make conform to the follies of the day, I will 
 close this chapter, and for what took place at the great 
 St. Nicholas Hotel, refer you to the next. 
 
CHAPTER XXVII. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OF MANY THINGS UNIQUE AND WONDER- 
 FUL, ALL OF WHICH TOOK PLACE WHEN THE MAJOR AR- 
 RIVED AT THE GREAT ST. NICHOLAS HOTEL. 
 
 So great was the anxiety of tlie reporters to jot down 
 the most trifling occurrence, that they followed close at 
 the heels of the juvenile rabble, and at times were in 
 gi'eat danger of getting their heads cracked by the mis- 
 siles hurled by the infuriated alderman, who, in his heart, 
 had a holy horror of such persons, and would have killed 
 a dozen of them without shedding a tear, though they 
 had several times made very intelligible English of his 
 very unintelligible speeches. Fatigued and almost out of 
 breath, they, however, reached the grand hotel in good 
 time, and quite took possession of the landlord's best 
 parlor, though he was as polite a gentleman as 
 could be met with in a day's journey. They then en- 
 tered his gorgeous bar-room, and partook freely of his 
 liquors, (of which he kept none but the best,) telling him 
 that as they were without money, he must charge the 
 score to the freedom of the press. The host being ac- 
 customed to the pranks of these worthy men, as they are 
 called by their employers, bid them take comfort in his 
 house ; at the same time, knowing their propensities, he 
 cautioned them against making free with his chamber- 
 maids. 
 
 The cortege had been proceeding at a slow pace, which 
 [244] 
 
THIXGS UXIQUE AXD WONDERFUL. 2-1:5 
 
 SO increased the difficulties they met from the ragged 
 urchins along the road, that the driver whipped up and 
 arrived at the hotel in peace. But this rather increased 
 than diminished Alderman Dooley's difficulties, for old 
 Battle being unable to quicken his pace, the urchins made 
 him the object of their mischief, and so retarded his pro- 
 gress that the major had arrived full half an hour when 
 he reached the hotel. In truth, he was compelled to dis- 
 mount and lead the animal, in order to secure his own 
 safety. 
 
 The reception at the hotel, as it appeared on the fol- 
 lowing morning in the newspapers, was something truly 
 magnificent, proving conclusively that the reporters had 
 seen no less than one hundred persons for every one pres- 
 ent. My love for truth in all matters of history constrains 
 me to say, that these reporters made a great mistake, since 
 nothing could have been more simple, and yet in keeping 
 with true greatness, than the major's reception at the hotel, 
 and this for the very reason that he had outdistanced the 
 rabble. My declining years and gray hairs forbid me 
 envying any man his laurels, but I will not degrade a 
 noble profession by making myself the vassal of every great 
 man who sets foot on these shores. I say, then, that when 
 the cattle and the major reached the door of this spacious 
 pile of white marble, wherein cheap luxury awaits the 
 million, it was near sundown, and the only persons stand- 
 ing at the grand entrance, were those eight or ten be- 
 diamonded gentlemen who carry on their occupation in 
 suspicious places, and are commonly called swell mobsmen, 
 though judging from the air and circumstance with which 
 they occupy the great entrance to the great St. Nicholas, 
 it would seem as if the landlord had employed them for the 
 double purpose of ogling ladies as they passed and holding 
 up his marble columns. I should indeed be sorry to hear 
 
246 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 that this was true, for an extremely respectable acquaint- 
 ance tells me the landlord is a most excellent gentleman, 
 and looks well to the reputation of his house. 
 
 As the carriage stopped the major cast a glance upward, 
 as if viewing the curiously wrought lintels of the massive 
 marble front, and exclaimed : " Upon my soul, gentlemen, 
 it is so grand I begin to fear I shall not be comfortable in 
 it." He had scarcely concluded this sentence, when a 
 distinguished politician, habited in soiled drab trousers and 
 a shabby brown dress coat, and a badly collapsed hat, which 
 he wore well down over his eyes, rushed eagerly out, and 
 was followed by a mellow faced policeman, with a green 
 patch over his left eye and a club in his right hand. Con- 
 stituting in themselves a committee of reception, the dis- 
 tinguished politician, who was a delegate from the custom 
 house, now made himself right busy in getting the major 
 and the high functionaries safely out of the carriage. And 
 this being done without delay, the policeman ordered the 
 swell mobsmen to stand back until the distinguished poli- 
 tician had presented his congratulations, which he did, 
 adding that he had long been familiar with the potency 
 of the piajor's greatness, which the city, unlike other cities, 
 was always ready to honor. 
 
 The strange figure cut by the major, in his stranger 
 uniform, attracted the attention of sundry enthusiastic 
 chambermaids, who appeared upon the balconies, and re- 
 cognizing in the character of the team the arrival of an 
 important personage, commenced waving napkins, and 
 giving such other visible signs of their admiration, that he 
 was with difficulty restrained from making them a speech 
 on the spot. 
 
 He now moved quietly into the house, the jaded police- 
 man on his right, and the distinguished politician on his 
 left, and followed by the three high officials and a score of 
 
THINGS UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL. 247 
 
 reporters. Turning neither to the right nor the left, he 
 proceeded straight on into the great bar room, where the 
 queerness of his walk and raiment attracted no little atten- 
 tion among the well dressed gentry who nightly meet 
 there to discuss over well compounded punches all affairs 
 appertaining to the welfare of the state. And here, having 
 quenched their thirst in mixtures of whiskey and water, 
 which is the favorite drink with all really great politi- 
 cians, the party quietly retired up stairs to a splendidly 
 furnished parlor and bedroom, provided at the expense of 
 the city, against which a score of six shillings now stood at 
 the bar. 
 
 A sudden commotion in the street, accompanied by 
 shouts and huzzas that made the verj' air echo, discovered 
 the fact that Alderman Dan Dooley had arrived. Indeed, 
 the scene that at that moment was being enacted in Broad- 
 way beggared description, and caused a great scampering 
 among the reporters, who hastened to the spot in order 
 not to lose a single occurrence. There stood old Battle, 
 bespattered with mud, and in a condition so pitiable, that 
 no truly philanthropic gentleman could have withheld his 
 tears. Near him stood Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, ex- 
 cited, distracted, infuriated, and swearing by all the saints 
 in the calendar, to have revenge of a swarm of unwashed 
 and ragged urchins, who stood jeering him at a respectful 
 distance, and whom his sudden advances and retreats 
 rather amused than daunted ; for although they seemed 
 in no way inclined to stand his charge, they would follow 
 his retreat with renewed energy. A waiter now relieved 
 the animal of the saddlebags and holsters, and taking him 
 by the bridle led him limping to the stable, where he 
 seized with great avidity the hay and oats set before him. 
 A second policeman, according to a well respected custom 
 among the force, came up when all the trouble was over, 
 
24& ADVENTURES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 and addressing the discomfited alderman, said : " If I 
 had been a minute sooner, sir, this thing would not have 
 occurred; but I was called from my beat to quell a brush 
 at fists between two of our common councilmen, at Flor- 
 ence's. I now come to your protection ; and as you are a 
 worthy gentleman, whom it is my office to obey, say but 
 the word and I pledge you my faith to club the heads of 
 every one of your persecutors. But first let me entreat 
 you to get into the house, and if my club fail not, you 
 shall see how I can keep the peace." 
 
 The alderman listened with great attention to the po- 
 liceman, converted his rage into discretion, and disappeared 
 in the great bar room of the St. Nicholas, where he forgot 
 his afflictions in a stout draught of water and whiskey, which 
 so addressed itself to his dignity, that after ordering it 
 charged to the city's account, he repaired quietly into the 
 presence of his tiue friends, who had already began to 
 unite in compliments to the major. "Now, meiger," spoke 
 Mr. Alderman Dooley, approaching the major, with his 
 right hand extended, "understand that it's 2^>e that are the 
 riprisintitives of this mitropilas, in which ye're as wilcome 
 as the flowers of May. Mind that now ! And may the 
 smiles of heaven rest upon ye, an' upon the gineration ye 
 bilongs to. Gifts, meiger, are given to the great for a 
 pirpose. Faith, it's my own exparience tells me that ! 
 Whisht now 1 (Here he tapped the major confidentially 
 on the arm.) The city manes to do ye 'oner enough, 
 oneyhow. An' its myself and Terry Brady '11 see the 
 pay comes." Terry Brady was the name of the distin- 
 guished politician. Mr. Dan Dooley now being, as he 
 said, "entirely done out," flung his hat under the table 
 and himself upon a luxuriant sofa, carved in black walnut, 
 and upholstered with green and orange colored brocade. 
 And upon this he felt great comfort for his feet, while the 
 
THINGS UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL. 249 
 
 high colored figures of the Turkey carpet afforded him an 
 excellent target for the substance he ever and anon ejected 
 from his spacious and discolox-ed mouth. 
 
 And, too, my high regard for the fair guests of the great 
 St. Nicholas, of whom it was said by these malicious re- 
 porters that they rushed " en masse" to receive the major, 
 immediately he entered the house, reminds me that I must 
 not forget to mention, that the only ladies present were 
 the wife of the distinguished politician, and a damsel of 
 fair looks and firm virtue. I am no higilian, and only use 
 the term " firm virtue " here, as being applicable to this 
 damsel ; for although no end of slanders had been cast 
 upon her, the man who dared to come forward and say he 
 had trifled with her chastity, was yet to be found. By 
 these, I fieely confess he was received with a courtesy 
 worthy of so great a politician. 
 
 And now, when it was night, and two thousand jets of 
 gas threw a blaze of light over the massive pile, which 
 seemed suddenly transformed into a regal palace, where 
 high colors and cheap revelry went hand in hand, the 
 party, joined and rejoined by several other distinguished 
 politicians, refreshed themselves on a sumptuous supper, 
 which the landlord had prepared without regard to ex- 
 pense. And when this was over, and the major's arrival 
 had got fully noised about, there came such a throng of 
 rejected humanity that the house presented the appear- 
 ance of a palace beseiged by bread rioters. And so impas- 
 sioned did the clamor of the throng become, that I thought 
 if Saint Nicholas, who was supposed to be the presiding 
 deity of this hotel, could look down upon it without a 
 frown, he must be an uncommon saint. In fine, the land- 
 lord found that getting so great a politician into his house 
 was not much to its reputation, as the edat therein gained 
 would be counteracted, with tenfold interest, by the pil- 
 11* 
 
250 ADVEXTURES OF MAJOE POTTEE. 
 
 fering propensities of his unwaslied followers, wlio now 
 rushed into his house in such ungovernahle confusion that 
 guards had to be stationed along the passages, armed with 
 tipstaffs and bludgeons. Indeed, he wished in his heart 
 that the devil or some other gentleman of quahty had 
 Major Eoger Sherman Potter, for then he could preserve 
 the good name of his patron saint. 
 
 Persons of every political hue and circumstance poured 
 in, were presented to the major, and drank of the liquors 
 which were being ordered without stint and despatched 
 with the same freedom by the honorable committee of re- 
 ception. And thus they came, and drank great draughts, 
 and complimented one another. And although not a few 
 marveled at finding the major such a queer person, and 
 quite unlike what he had been represented, all joined in 
 drinking his health and flattering his vanity. And when 
 it was ten o'clock, there came divers delegations of un- 
 gainly persons, (from the custom house, and the post 
 oflSce, and Tammany Hall, and various other halls,) such 
 as fighting men and vagabonds, who, being headed by 
 such ambitious politicians as the invincible George Bran- 
 ders, and flanked by the too honest Emanuel Hart, pre- 
 sented an appearance so suspicious that the guests of the 
 house began to look well to their pockets, while the land- 
 lord set several of his servants to gathering up the old 
 clothes. Indeed, it seemed as if rascaldom had broken 
 from its dominions to revel in the palace of St. Nicholas. 
 And as all these shabby gentlemen, but very excellent 
 politicians, stood much in need of something to quench 
 their thirst, it was soon found that the small sum set apart 
 to pay the landlord for all his services, would not even 
 wipe out the score at his bar, to say nothing of the damage 
 done his furniture and other little affairs. He had given 
 bed and board to many a man without getting a dime in 
 
THINGS UNIQUE AND WONDERFUL. 251 
 
 return, and thanked heaven that good fortune had enabled 
 him to do so, but now he was not a little disturbed in his 
 temper at the state of his accounts, for he knew the city 
 was as slow to pay an " over ordered " hill as it was quick 
 in paying homage to great demagogues. He therefore, 
 in the kindest manner, intimated to the major, that unless 
 he would be personally responsible for the "surplus," he 
 must close the score at his bar. And this he said in self- 
 protection, for no man could lay the charge of having done 
 a mean act at his door. The major, with becoming cour- 
 tesy, pledged his honor to the landlord, and bid him think 
 no more of the bill, since if he closed the floodgate of his 
 bar, which gave out such exuberant medicine as made the 
 tears of patriots to flow, his power would surely be at an 
 end. " Be not agitated, sir," said he, with an air of enlarged 
 self complacency, " but convert your misgivings into confi- 
 dence in me, for I see you are a true republican, and would 
 not harm a man whose fame is so well established." Thus 
 the major addressed the landlord, who retired with re- 
 gained confidence, and, as I thought, a feeling of self 
 reproach for having intimated his doubts in the matter. 
 
 The major was now getting weary with the mighty bu- 
 siness of receiving the compliments of ten score would-be 
 patriots and noisy politicians, when there entered a greater 
 man than any of them. And this was no less a person 
 than Don Fernando, a man of much will and circumstance, 
 and now mayor of the city. Many things had been said 
 of this truly great man, not the least of which was, that 
 the Romans ought to be thankful that he was not born in 
 the days of the Oeesars, though in the honest yearnings of 
 his ambition he had frequently indulged in the thought, 
 that his wisdom and invincibility of arm was second to 
 none of them. Indeed, it was said among other things, 
 equally true, that he had more than once consoled himself 
 
252 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 with the fact, that if he had not gained the notoriety of 
 Csesar, it was no fault of his will, for he could make 
 promises he never meant to keep, and gnash his teeth at 
 his enemies, to an extent that ought to satisfy the most 
 enthusiastic admirer of Roman greatness. But republican- 
 ism, as developed by the prudence of our people, had so 
 changed and altered things, that great men, though they 
 had performed unheard of deeds of valor, were laughed at 
 when they assumed powers not clearly belonging to them. 
 As the design of this history will be imperfect unless I 
 record what took place when these great men met, and 
 which ought to be read and considered by future genera- 
 tions, I must here inform the reader, that he will find it 
 faithfully translated in the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER XXVIII. 
 
 WHICH CAREFULLY EBCORDS WHAT PASSED BETWEEN 
 THE MAJOR AND THE MAYOR — HOW THEY MADE 
 SPEECHES, AND WERE SERENADED. 
 
 We are an exacting people, frequently requiring too 
 much of our great men, and achieving in a week what it 
 took ordinary nations, such as Greece and Rome, jears 
 to perform. Therefore I hold it right that we he cautious 
 how we trust the recording of every great event to such 
 witty hut careless historians as Bancroft and Prescott, who 
 are much given to pleasing descriptions of wonderful 
 revolutions, but entirely overlook the battered and bruised 
 hero, for the purpose of making others to their fancy. 
 
 You must know, then, that this mayor, Don Fernando, 
 (he bore no resemblance to the Don Fernando of Don 
 Quixote, ) advanced with the gravity and solemnity of one 
 whose business it was to kill giants ; for though he was a 
 man of much humor, he had a necromantic facility for dis- 
 sembling, and could declare before high heaven his inno- 
 cence of any crime laid at his door, and in the very next 
 breath issue an order giving peace and comfort to pick- 
 pockets. And while I am writing of this great man, I may 
 mention that if there was any one thing more than another 
 he was famous for, it was a curious infatuation for great 
 placards, in which he enjoined all good citizens to preserve 
 the peace, at the same time commanding his worthy vas- 
 sals, the policemen, to crack the skulls of all who came in 
 their way. 
 
 [263] 
 
254 ADVENTURES OF MAJOB POTTER. 
 
 Tall of figure, with a pale and long visage, which he 
 prided himself resembled the visage of an equally great 
 man, he advanced at a pace indicative of one who felt the 
 grandeur of his position. The major was at first not a 
 little surprised at the manner of his Visitor; but being 
 himself a dabster at great things, he soon recognized the 
 quality of the new comer, and came forth to meet him in 
 all his uniform, not even forgetting his three cornered hat, 
 which he passed with his left hand while making an un- 
 exceptionable bow. Unembroidered greatness — yes, 
 naked greatness, stripped of all falsehood and pretence, 
 and such only as is worthy of governing an honest world, 
 which it would generously do, but for the trifling incon- 
 venience to itself, was here represented in these two great 
 men — the Scylla and Oharybdis of these wonderful times. 
 The only perceptible difference in their prowess was, that 
 the mayor stood at least a head and a half taller than the 
 major. Both had begun making unexceptionable bows, 
 when Alderman Dan Dooley, seeing the embarrassment 
 that might occur, came resolutely forward, (having first 
 set down the bottle from which he had replenished Coun- 
 cilman Finnigan's glass,) and addressing the mayor, said, 
 " Faith, then, I ask no greater enterprise than to serve yer 
 'onor, seein' how ye know the dacency one great man 
 owes to another. By my faith, then, I'm deloighted to 
 prisent ye to the gintleman we all mane to 'onor. Faith, 
 an' it's himself 's before ye, Meiger Eoger (stay ! what the 
 devil is it now?) I have it. Meiger Roger Jefferson 
 Potter!" 
 
 " Major Eoger Sherman Potter, commonly called Major 
 Roger Potter !" the major interrupted, with a deferential 
 bow. 
 
 " Faith, an' the neame atween the two's no matter 
 onyhow ! " rejoined Mr. Alderman Dooley, who, having 
 
THE MAJOE AXD THE MAYOR. 255 
 
 left the two great men to themselves, again took to the 
 bottle, and continued serving himself and his friend with 
 an experience in every way worthy of so great an alder- 
 man. 
 
 " Pray, sir,'' said Fernando, with a gracious smile, "take 
 nothing amiss that our worthy friend says." And here 
 he blushed, and seemed not a little mortified at the pranks 
 of his favorite alderman, though they were natural enough 
 to the condition he was in. " He means well," resumed the 
 mayor, dryly, "and is an honest alderman, though given 
 to drink at times. And now, since fortune has been so 
 kind as to grant me the opportunity of paying my respects 
 to one so worthy of admiration, let me congratulate you 
 upon your safe arrival in the city. I have the power, and 
 it will be my pleasure to see that the public acknowledge- 
 ments you have merited are properly bestowed." The 
 major here interrupted by reminding the mayor that he 
 had, on the advice of a very good friend, declined all pub- 
 lie ovations. 
 
 " As to that," continued Fernando, " fashion has made 
 it necessary to say these little things ; for a great man is 
 never so great as when lie seeks to avoid homage. And 
 we are not always bound to say what we mean." 
 
 " As to my greatness, sir," replied the major, " I will 
 leave that to others ; for it is no trifling thing for a man 
 who has done all he can for his country to be snuffed out 
 by the envious pen of some rascally scribbler for the news- 
 papers. Let us think well of ourselves, and leave the rest 
 to our friends." 
 
 " Truly, major, you are of my way of thinking, for that 
 is precisely what I do." 
 
 " And because you do, you have risen to your present 
 proud position!" interposed the major. " Being a mili- 
 tary man, I would have you know that I am no flatterer. 
 
256 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 but a man who loves peace, and bates tbe devil and all 
 bis arrogant vassals. Your fame, sir, has gone over tbe 
 laud ; and as to your greatness, I bow to that, for I have 
 beard many good men testify to it ; and now that I see it 
 with my own eyes, written all down tbe length of your 
 person, no man shall speak ill of you — in my presence ! 
 And as you have embarked in great undertakings, may 
 heaven grant you power to carry them to a successful 
 issue. " 
 
 " As what you have said concerns me much, accept my 
 thanks ; for it is the good opinion of men like yourself 
 that pleases me. I have now many difficulties on hand, 
 it is true ; but when I have conquered, and shown myself 
 superior to my enemies, I will lay up my sword, give my 
 band to tbe people, and my heart to enjoining heaven to 
 grant me repose. Tbe bent of my ambition, sir, would 
 have no difficulty in finding its way but for those wonder- 
 ful men, tbe editors, who lay a new born child at my door 
 every day, and think it no barm to set tbe country by the 
 ears, though they are glad enough when men of our stamp 
 step in to conciliate matters." 
 
 They thus spent ten minutes in pleasant conversation, 
 complimenting one another, evidently not a little pleased 
 with themselves, and resolved not to leave the settling of 
 their preeminent prowess to any one else. Indeed, tbe 
 scene enacted between the mayor and tbe major would 
 have become extremely affecting but for Alderman O'Toole, 
 who, being a man of much understanding, proposed that 
 they seal their friendship with a little brandj- and water. 
 Neither having any scruples in the matter, they filled their 
 glasses with much pomp and circumstance. " And now, 
 gentlemen," said Mr, Alderman O'Toole, " I propose the 
 health of your honors together ; for barring General Pierce, 
 greater men never lived, as myself knows." They bowed 
 
THE MAJOR A^'D THE MAYOR. 257 
 
 aud emptied their glasses to this toast, at which several of 
 those present were not a little amused. The mayor, who 
 was, with his many other traits of character, sufficiently 
 versed in strategy to extricate himself from any snare, 
 said he felt constrained to say a few words in return for 
 the compliment, and was about making a speech on the 
 spot. Happily a waiter entered at the moment, bearing 
 in his hand a plate of cold chicken, which so excited Don 
 Fernando's appetite that he thought no more of his dignity, 
 but seized upon the best meated leg, and holding it daintily 
 between his fingers, and applying his teeth, never stopped 
 until he had stripped it clean to the bone. And while 
 engaged in this laudable enterprise, they were surprised 
 bj' a band of musicians in the street, playing " Hail to the 
 Chief." The night was dark, and on looking out of the 
 window, it was discovered that the musicians were some 
 twenty grim looking Germans, with very long beards and 
 longer brass instruments, with which they seemed determin- 
 ed to perforate ten ragged newsboys, who, with the picture 
 of rascality written on their mischievous faces, stood holding 
 as many pitiful tallow candles almost under the noses of 
 the windy fellows, whose eyes were on their notes. When 
 the band ceased playing, the throng cheered and kept up 
 a loud calling for the major, who, the mayor said, must 
 go out and make a speech, for it would not do to offend 
 them by keeping sUent. He also deemed it prudent to 
 caution the major against saying what he really thought. 
 In truth, he whispered in the major's ear that he must 
 mind and strike the popular point; and when touching 
 upon anything of great moment, be careful to so construct 
 his sentences that they embody a double meaning. As 
 to promises, he must be sure to make enough of them, only 
 let it be on the principle that promises are always ex- 
 pected to take care of themselves. When the major had 
 
258 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEE. 
 
 listened sufficiently to the admonitions of the mayor, he 
 repaired to the balcony, where he was so surprised to find 
 several ladies, dressed with great taste and splendor, that 
 his modesty became much taxed, though they saluted him 
 with becoming courtesy. The crowd outside, which was 
 now rampant of disorder, recognized in the short, corpulent 
 figure before them, with the red liair standing erect upon 
 a turnip-like head, the man of their wish, whom they 
 greeted with three deafening cheers. The major bowed 
 and spread his hands, in the left of which he held the 
 engrossing emblem of his dignity, his three cornered hat. 
 " Gentlemen ! " said he, in a voice somewhat shaky, " I 
 thank you for this great honor, which I may or may not 
 have merited. You know it does not say much for a man 
 that he speaks of himself; but this I will say, that the 
 man who serves his country for his country is the man for 
 me. If you, being people of high quality and much re- 
 spect, (I never judge men from what they seem on the 
 outside, not I I) shall give me your confidence, I warrant 
 you shall see I am no unscrupulous politician ! " Here 
 the throng sent up a loud cheer, and tapered it off with 
 three tigers. " Ah 1 that is what I like,'' resumed the 
 major ; " I always did like the music of the Democracy. 
 It sounds as if it was the free offering ofhearts innocent, and 
 not given to retrieve." " Intrigue," whispered Don Fer 
 nando, correctively, as he stood close behind the major, 
 evidently delighted at the good temper of those about him. 
 " Exactly ! " bowed the major, " intrigue was what I meant 
 to say 1 " Affected either by the strangeness of the scene, 
 or his anxiety for the welfare of his much valued animals, 
 he continued in this incoherent strain for some minutes, 
 but said not a word of his early whiggery, or the affair of 
 the Yacht Club. Many of the persons outside now began 
 to marvel at the strangeness of his speech, and to think 
 
THE MAJOR AND THE MAYOR. 259 
 
 him not so much of a politician after all. In truth, al- 
 though he said much about our liberties, and was several 
 times jeered with the question as to what he thought 
 " about niggers," not a few puzzled their brains to find out 
 to what manner of politician he belonged. And as he con- 
 cluded by enjoining them to be good fathers, dutiful hus- 
 bands, and honest men, which three virtues were sure to se- 
 cure the blessings of heaven, the puzzle became still greater. 
 And yet the throng cheered vociferously. When, then, 
 he had concluded, he wiped tSe, perspiration from his brow, 
 fritted his finger through his beard, and shook hands with 
 several of the ladies, who still thought him a great man, 
 in whose strange speech there was much those acquainted 
 with the politics of the nation could perfectly under- 
 stand. 
 
 Again the music ceased, and loud calls were made for 
 Don Fernando, who always had an apology when invited 
 to make a speech, and an excuse for making it on the sec- 
 ond invitation, which he never failed to accept. In fine, 
 I say it with no intention of satire, that Don Fernando 
 never let an opportunity to make a speech slip through 
 his fingers, though three invitations, as he held, were 
 necessary to one speech. In truth, he regarded invita- 
 tions as losing nothing in their passage, when they con- 
 cerned great men ; for it was a rule with our best politic- 
 ians to make reluctance a virtue. 
 
 After repeated calls, then, Don Fernando turned to ad- 
 dress the multitude, and said in a speech of some twenty 
 ininutes, much that they had heard before, and expected 
 to hear again. He cautioned them to look well to their 
 liberties, though it were good to be careful how they were 
 found breaking the peace and men's heads. I would 
 mention here, that this singular admonition was induced 
 
260 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 by the presence of some six or seven of Don Fernando's 
 old friends among the throng outside. And these worthy 
 men commenced their favorite avocation with such shouts 
 as — " Go it Fernando ! Fernando and liberty!" And 
 when they had thus deported themselves to their satisfac- 
 tion, they took to demolishing the trombones of the play- 
 ers, as if such amusement was to their taste. 
 
 Don Fernando concluded his speech by saying, he saw 
 in the persons present, the great and glorious elements of 
 our expanding civilization. Kind providence just then 
 sent a refreshing shower, as if in pity at the condition of 
 the raiment his listeners were clad in. And this sent 
 many to their homes ; but the more patriotic had no fear 
 of a shower, and seemed not inclined to leave until they had 
 heard a speech from Mr. Alderman Dan Dooley, for whom 
 they called loudly. These calls were seconded by per- 
 sons on the balcony, who out of sheer derision, demanded 
 his presence with so much earnestness as convinced the 
 loquacious Dooley that history and his friends would not 
 be content without a word from him on this great occasion. 
 But Don 'Fernando well knew that the reporters, as was 
 customary with them, would embellish that oiie, word ra- 
 ther curiously, for they were kind to him, and invariably 
 made him say all the witty things they could think of. 
 
 " Upon my word, Mr. Dooley," whispered Don Fer- 
 nando, " the thing has ended well ; and it strikes me we 
 have had speeches enough for the evening." 
 
 "Faith!" exclaimed the Alderman, "I'm contint to 
 lave them with the spaech of yir 'oner." 
 
 Mr. Dooley, if the truth must be told, was not in a con- 
 dition to get off smooth sentences, though his deportment 
 would have afforded much diversion. And as good speech- 
 es lost nothing by keeping, he resolved not to let his off 
 
THE MAJOR AND THE MAYOE. 261 
 
 just yet. And so completely was Don Fernando master 
 of the Alderman, that he sauntered, or rather oscillated 
 into a corner, and sat down. 
 
 The small hours of morning had well nigh come, when 
 Don Fernando, without change in the dignity of his bear- 
 ing, took his departure ; expressing, as he left the door, the 
 great pleasure it would give him to receive the major at 
 the City Hall on the mon-ow. And when he was gone, the 
 committee of reception thought no more of him, but drew 
 their chairs round the major, and with divers friends of 
 the same hue and circumstance, commenced showering 
 upon him no end of compliments, declaring him to be the 
 father of more political reforms than Jefferson and Wash- 
 ington ever dreamed of. 
 
 When their generosity had come sufficiently mellowed, 
 and the landlord had declared his inability to furnish any 
 more whiskey, and Mr. Councilman Finnigan began to 
 see ghosts and murderers by the dozen, all of which he 
 would have sworn were real, and set about thrashing with 
 the gallantry of a true Irish gentleman, Mr. O'Toole pro- 
 posed that the major become a citizen of New York, when 
 he would wager any amount of money to make him next 
 mayor of the city. 
 
 " I cannot say I would be equal to the duties, gentle- 
 men, for I have never been mayor. My services, (except 
 now and then,)" — here the major filled his glass — " have 
 been for the army and politics, which I take it have noth- 
 ing to do with setting a city to rights. If spitting an ene- 
 my, getting up a riot, and giving peace and comfort to 
 them who have a taste for breaking heads, be things 
 which a mayor must be an adept at, then you may trust 
 me, gentlemen," said the major, giving his hand to Alder- 
 man Dooley in pledge of his faith. 
 
 Alderman Baggs, who was a man of much wind, and 
 
262 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 extremely fond of making speeches on these great occa- 
 sions, though in this instance he had peaceably pursued 
 his advances upon the bottle, and left the speeches to 
 others, proposed that instead of mayor, which after all 
 was no great aflfair of an office, he immediately set on 
 foot a project for making the major President of the United 
 States. The major, he said, had surely evinced ability 
 enough. 
 
 "What you please — make what you please of me, 
 gentlemen, for I am your servant, and the good servant is 
 known by his work — that I know ! And if it is your 
 will that I should be President, my highest ambition 
 shall be to serve you to the best of my ability. This I 
 may say, give me the power, as my wife, Polly Potter, 
 used to say, and I will hang fillibusters to your satisfac- 
 tion."' 
 
 An alderman of the name of Billy Bristle, who was 
 known to have a slight inclination for filllbustering, and 
 had more than a score of times pledged the city to the 
 measures of gentlemen that way inclined, having just looked 
 in to pay his respects to the city's guest, rose quickly to his 
 feet at hearing so bold a proposal to get rid of his friends, and 
 declared his readiness to fight any gentleman who would 
 say a word damaging to the character of the fillibusters. 
 Alderman Dooley, between whom and Alderman Bristle, 
 an old grudge had stood for some time unsettled, cast a 
 frown upon the assertion, and declared that the language 
 held was an implied insult, whereupon he measured with 
 his stalwart arm the distance between his body and the 
 Alderman's nose. This being the signal for a grand set 
 to, which was had in right good earnest, the scene of con- 
 fusion that followed no one need attempt to describe, un- 
 less he have the pen of a Balzac. Tumblers and broken 
 chairs being the order of weapon most in use, and the 
 
THE MAJOR AND THE MAYOR. 263 
 
 major not being skilled in the use of such arms, lost no 
 time in retreating to a davlc closet, where, closely packed 
 among sundry old clothes and house rubbish, he congrat- 
 ulated himself by saying ^ " Now, as I am a military 
 man, and have no taste for this sort of fighting, I will look 
 well to my head, and let them have the glory." 
 
 The landlord had paced his halls in great tribula- 
 tion for some time, for he saw he had been grievously 
 taken in, and that the damage to the reputation of 
 his house would be four fold what he would get of 
 the city for all his trouble. Seeing, then, his house in a 
 state of confusion, and having fears for the good name of 
 his patron saint, he rushed into the room, crying, " Gen- 
 tlemen ! gentlemen ! pray leave my house, for though I 
 see you are guardians of the city, you seem to have as 
 little respect for the reputation of my house, which is my 
 bread, as you have for the good order of the city. Pray 
 get away from here, and what you have had shall be given 
 for charity's sake." Seeing they were not inclined to 
 respect his admonition, he called a posse of policemen, 
 and ordered them to clear his house of the miscreants ; 
 but they, seeing it was their own masters who were de- 
 porting themselves in this disorderly manner, merely 
 shook their heads and walked away. In this dilemma, 
 for the landlord saw he could not get of the police what 
 he paid for, he called some two score of his own servants, 
 who, having no respect for high officials who do not res- 
 pect themselves, were not long in tumbling them into 
 the street ; and would have had Major Eoger Sherman 
 Potter following them, if he could have been found ! 
 
CHAPTER XXIX. 
 
 IN WHICH MAJOR ROGER POTTER IS FOUND ALMOST SUF- 
 FOCATED ; AND HOW HE DECLARES THAT MEN OP 
 LOWLY BIRTH BECOME DANGEROUS WHEN ELEVATED 
 TO POWER. 
 
 The writer of this history, remembering how his moth- 
 er admonished him to be virtuous and prudent, retired 
 quietly to bed before the passions of the high function- 
 aries had caused so violent an outbreak. And though his 
 regard for the major's reputation was of the tenderest 
 kind, he slept soundly, feeling sure that there was noth- 
 ing in the list of misfortunes the major was incapable of 
 overcoming. It was with no little surprise, then, that I 
 was awoke by the landlord on the following morning, and 
 told that Major Roger Potter was no where to be found. 
 He regretted having such people in his house ; but said it 
 would shorten the account of his misfortunes, if he could 
 but find the missing guest, for it was his custom to treat 
 all men with courtesy. 
 
 On repairing to the parlor, which we did as speedily as 
 possible, proof of what had taken place on the previous 
 night lay strewn all over the floor. There, too, lay the 
 major's three cornered hat, as if sitting in judgment upon 
 a promiscuous heap of bottles. But this was the only 
 vestige of the missing hero. At length a sort of mur- 
 muring sound was heard, as of some one in great dis- 
 tress. Seeing the landlord much perplexed, I listened 
 with anxious attention, and soon discovered the sound to 
 [264] 
 
THE MAJORS DECLARATIONS. 265 
 
 resemble very much that made by the major over the 
 bruising given him by Captain Luke Snider. On ap- 
 proaching the closet door, it was found to be locked, and 
 the landlord declared there was no space for one so stout 
 within its bounds. Deeming it prudent, however, the lock 
 was turned, to the great delight and relief of the major, 
 who came forth like an half roasted rhinoceros, heaved a 
 sigh, and swore by no less than three saints, as soon as 
 he gained the use of his tongue, that the fellow who turn- 
 ed the key on him was no friend. 
 
 " I am marvelously fond of retirement, I would have 
 you know," he spoke, with an air of much concern, " but 
 I choose not to sacrifice my life in this way, for it is a 
 device of the devil, and those in league with him." He 
 emerged from the rubbish half dead with fear, and con- 
 tinued for some minutes proclaiming the baseness and 
 treachery of the act. Then clasping the landlord by the 
 hand, he besought him to be his friend while he took re- 
 venge of the enemies who had played this trick upon 
 him. 
 
 " Pray be comforted, sir, for these things are mere tri- 
 fles, and a great man is never so great as when he forgets 
 his misfortunes," said he, "and heaven knows it has all 
 gone wrong with me. You, sir, have a position I lay no 
 claim to." 
 
 " Ah ! " replied the major, " it is because I have a posi- 
 tion, and think of it, that aggravates my misery. And 
 though I am ready to confess that I owe my deliverance 
 to your wisdom and prudence, I begin to think that power 
 is most to be feared when entrusted to men who have 
 been brought up in servitude ; for among their many ac- 
 complishments they do not include that which teacheth 
 every man who would take care of the nation, to bear in 
 mind, that he serves her best who thinks least of himself. 
 12 
 
266 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 A mule may bray, but it takes an ass to be an ass. I 
 have been these twenty years, sir, serving my country ; 
 and I take to myself no little credit that I have served 
 it as well as any of them, of which my secretary can bear 
 testimony." Here the major turned to me for a word of 
 approval. The landlord now put several questions to him 
 concerning his adventures in Mexico and elsewhere, to all 
 of which he gave such extraordinary answers, that he felt 
 assured that whatever eccentricities he might be guilty of 
 *at times, he had at least a vigorous understanding, and 
 was as great a man as had come that way for many a day. 
 And so completely did the landlord, who appreciated 
 genius of the highest order, when it did not conflict with 
 his interests, fall in with all the major's crotchets, that he 
 would have written sonnets in his praise, hut for the dan- 
 ger of entering upon so hazardous an occupation. He 
 now condoled him for having fallen into the hands of such 
 political vagabonds as had brought disgrace upon his house, 
 and who he swore would bring disgrace upon any house 
 that had doors open to them. 
 
 After a moment of deep thought, the major turned to 
 the landlord, and with great earnestness of manner, said : 
 " Since, sir, I have suffered no loss, let us think no more 
 of these little distresses, for they so discipline a man, that 
 if he have a heart it must be made capable of overcoming 
 those obstacles all great men find in their way. We both 
 agree on this point, Mr. Landlord. And since that matter 
 is settled, if you have no objection, I will join you at 
 breakfast, where we will debate several little matters con- 
 cerning my mission." 
 
 The landlord smiled, and expressed his delight at such 
 an act of condescension, which was rare in so great a man. 
 
 The major then made a hasty toilet, and together they 
 entered the western dining room, the size and splendor of 
 
THE major's declarations. 267 
 
 which quite astonished him, for the walls were inlaid with 
 mirrors from the ceiling to the floor, and reflected the guests 
 and each ohject with which the tahle was set out, while 
 the ceiling overhead was decorated with frescoes and stucco 
 work tipped with gold. Observing many fine ladies present, 
 the major, out of sheer respect to his military reputation, 
 made them all one of his most courteous bows before 
 taking a seat, at which they were not a little diverted. 
 
 The landlord being himself a politician of no mean order, 
 asked the major what he thought would be the effect of 
 the repeal of the Missouri Compromise. 
 
 " That, sir," replied the major, " depends entirely upon 
 how the people take it. If they hold their peace, then 
 there will be peace. But if these humanity mongers, who 
 would break the peace of the nation to get a new issue on 
 the nigger question, get to kicking up a dust, then there 
 will be no peace. It must certainly be confessed, that 
 niggers ought to thank heaven that they are as well off 
 as they are ; and those who say otherwise know not what 
 they say. I also hold it an advantage in political economy, 
 that we keep the lazy rascals where by selling them we 
 can pocket the money when occasion requires." 
 
 The landlord was now satisfied that his guest was at 
 least right on this all important question of " niggers," 
 though as many inferences might be drawn from his an- 
 swer as from a speech of Senator Douglas respecting the 
 territories. 
 
 Among other things, the major noticed that not a few 
 of the ladies were deeply absorbed in reading the morning 
 papers, and this so excited his curiosity that he must needs 
 inquire of the landlord what it meant, when he was told that 
 they contained an accurate account of what took place on the 
 previous night, including his speech, which was so perfect 
 a piece of composition, embracing so many subjects, and 
 
268 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 discovering a power to penetrate the designs of the enemy 
 so truly wonderful, that not only his friends, but every 
 lady at the table was commending him for it. "It is 
 generous of them," returned the major, squinting across 
 the table; " but I would have you know, I am a favorite 
 with the ladies wherever I go, and being naturally tender 
 hearted, I have known times when they would embrace 
 me most affectionately. I say this between ourselves, for 
 their fondness was beyond my expectation." Having 
 ordered a copy of the Herald, (a journal which had for 
 many years furnished the major his political, philosophical, 
 and diversional reading,) he there found not only that he 
 had made a speech of rare eloquence, but one of the most 
 delightful as well as minute biographies of himself ever 
 written. In truth, he was there made the hero of so many 
 exploits as to make this history entirely unnecessary. I 
 ought to mention, however, that the sagacious reporters 
 were cautious not to mention the affair which caused the 
 polite landlord to eject the high officials from his house. 
 This gave an additional charm to the whole concern, and 
 so elated the major as to entirely take away his appetite. 
 Indeed, he resolved from that moment, let whatever come, 
 to travel no farther without a reporter of his own. They 
 made the very best sort of speeches, and could make and 
 unmake great men with a facility truly astonishing, usually 
 laying the greatest stress upon the smallest things. . 
 
 When breakfast was over, the landlord drew the major 
 aside, and requested as a favor that he would listen to what 
 he said. " Understand me, sir," he said, with a look of con- 
 cern, " you are welcome in my house, but I fear there are 
 difficulties creeping in that may lessen our friendship if left 
 unexplained. I see you are a man of great mental power, 
 a stranger, and a gentleman, therefore you cannot be ex- 
 pected to know the great distress our aldermen, who are 
 
THE major's declarations. 269 
 
 much given to ceremonies of this sort, liave hronght upon 
 several honest men. You see, sir, how fond they are of the 
 bottle, and as there are only two hundred dollars set apart 
 for the bill at my house, which will not square last night's 
 bill at the bar, pray give them a hint, for their generosity 
 knows no bounds at times ; and if I present a bill some- 
 what over the mark, I am laughed at, and set down for a 
 confirmed fool." " 
 
 "I see you are an honest man,'' replied the major, " and 
 it is a pity your house should be damaged by persons who 
 have not the fear of bills before their eyes, though they 
 have the gold of the city at their command. But, sir, let 
 your thoughts incline the most favorable waj', for I have 
 some two hundred dollars of my own, as well as a horse 
 and pig of such rare qualities that I already begin to see 
 the fortune they will bring to me." The major now con- 
 tinued giving such a wonderful account of his animals as 
 excited the landlord's curiosity, and made him express a 
 desire to see them. And as nothing so pleased the major 
 as to show his animals to every new acquaintance, he 
 doffed his uniform, and putting on his suit of Uxbridge 
 satinet, which rather increased the rotundity of his figure, 
 sallied forth to the stable, and there found old Battle 
 quietly eating hay in the stalls, and the pig fast locked up 
 in his cage. A groom led the limping animal out, and as he 
 hobbled along the floor, a perfect Bucephalus in the major's 
 eyes, the landlord could not comprehend how so sensible a 
 gentleman could become so infatuated with a horse that was 
 as lean as a lantern, unless he be a knave. But notwith- 
 standing the miserable plight he was in, he soon began to 
 raise his head and tail, evidently out of regard at seeing 
 his master, and gave out such other signs of what there 
 was in him, as convinced the landlord he was a hoi'se of 
 some metal, though he would not bring an eagle in the 
 
270 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 market. And here the major commenced to give an ac- 
 count of the many adventures he had performed with this 
 noble animal, when the landlord interposed by saying, " I 
 admire your enthusiasm, major, but as I have no love for 
 practical jokes, you may put your frame in the stalls, for 
 he will need all the care you can bestow upon him." 
 
 " Pray, sir, reserve your anger, for you have not had 
 time to fully comprehend his many good qualities,'' replied 
 the major, not a little grieved at the landlord's remarks. 
 
 He next visited his pig, who rose quickly to his feet, 
 and commenced making signs of friendship to his master. 
 '■ This pig, I assure you, sir," said the major, " was brought 
 up in the care of the clergy, was the lead pig of one Felix 
 Shulbert, a poor parson, who on losing his church took to 
 the business of swine driving." The landlord was much 
 amused at the simplicity with which the major related the 
 history of this wonderful pig, who now came jumping out 
 of his cage, to the great delight of numerous bystanders, 
 and cut up so many queer pranks that they were ready to 
 swear him possessed of the devil. He would run to the 
 major on hearing his name called ; he would turn somer- 
 sets; he would walk on his hinder feet; he would point 
 with his nose to any letter of the alphabet he was com- 
 manded ; and, no doubt, with a little more training, he 
 could have delved the mysteries of destiny with a facility 
 that neither medium nor clairvoyant could have excelled. 
 If, then, the lookers on were at first delighted, they now 
 stood amazed, and declared that so sensible an animal had 
 never before been brought to the city. " I have been told, 
 sir," said the major with an air of self-satisfaction, "that 
 you have in your city one Barnum, a man of much note, 
 who is reputed to have become rich of dealing in deformed 
 monstrosities, and though an honest man enough as the 
 world goes, has had a strange history written of himself. 
 
THE MAJOR'S DECLARATIONS. 271 
 
 And this history, I am told, has been much praised by the 
 critics, though truly it is nothing but a tissue of certain 
 deceptions practiced upon a credulous public — " 
 
 " You are right, there," interrupted the landlord ; " he 
 has made fools of so many of his fellows, that his imitators 
 regard his tricks as so many virtues, which the public are 
 ready to applaud. But as your pig is truly a wonder, 
 you will do well to get him in the hands of this clever gen- 
 tleman, for then his fame will be blown trumpet tongued 
 over the land, people will rush to see him, and the critics, 
 being well paid, will write all sorts of things of his tal- 
 ents. You may then let the devil take the rest, which is 
 the way the world goes." 
 
 And while they were thus conversing, this clever man 
 stalked in, much to the surprise of every one present, 
 though it was said of him, that he could smell a monstros- 
 ity at the distance of a hundred miles. After fixing his 
 scrutinizing eye upon the animal, and witnessing several 
 of his tricks, which he performed with great agility, he 
 commenced casting reflections upon his performances, say- 
 ing he had talent enough, but it was of so crude a kind, 
 that he would require no end of practice before it would 
 do to bring him before a discriminating audience. As for the 
 critics, it was no hard matter to keep them right ; but it 
 might give rise to a question at the Press Club, that would 
 seriously endanger its harmony. He, however, began to 
 inquire what the major thought about terms. To use a 
 vulgarism very common at this day, he began to " pump 
 him," in regard to the value of the animal's services. And 
 here I must leave him for the present. 
 
CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OP HOW THE MAJOR RECEIVED THE 
 CALLS OP DISTINGUISHED PERSONS, AND HOW HE 
 DISCOVERED THE OBJECT OP HIS MISSION. 
 
 The landlord enjoined the major, when they returned 
 to the hotel, not to think so much of his horse, for he 
 could not render much service to a military man. As 
 for the pig, he could he depended upon as a source of rev- 
 enue in case of need, which quite satisfied him on the 
 matter of his bill. 
 
 The major spent the rest of the morning in receiving 
 calls, for divers distinguished persons had read his speech 
 in the newspapers, and were eager to pay homage to one 
 of such rare gifts. Among them were prominent members 
 of the Chamber of Commerce, who intimated that he 
 might condescend to make them a speech from the Ex- 
 change steps, on the affairs of the nation; members of the 
 Board of Brokers ; citizens distinguished for their bounti- 
 ful charities ; members of the Union Club, who suggested 
 that they would propose him for a member ; members of 
 the New York Club, who knew he would like to become 
 a member of their body, which consisted of distinguished 
 persons only, and kept the best imported wines and cigars. 
 A person of lean visage, who constituted himself a dele- 
 gate from the Century Club, begged to inform the major 
 that the club was composed of poor but very respectable 
 literary persons, who eschewed liquors and cigars, and 
 were about introducing a by-law for the admission of 
 [272] 
 
THE MAJOR RECEIVES CALLS. 273 
 
 ladies, which it was hoped would prove a regulator to the 
 good conduct of all aspiring youths. The^club, he knew, 
 would be most happy to make him a member. A delega- 
 tion from the Knickerbocker represented their club as the 
 most cosy place imaginable; as for the members, they 
 had so strong a turn for literature, that they had elected a 
 grocer for president, and an actor for secretary. A visit 
 from him would indeed be held as a high honor ; and as 
 it was strictly forbidden that any member discover inebria- 
 tion before ten o'clock, he could not fail of spending a 
 cheerful hour with them.. 
 
 Each brouglit some such powerful argument to sustain 
 their comparative claims to his favorable consideration. He 
 also received invitations to visit various factories, and be- 
 come a member of certain charitable societies for the taking 
 care of widows and orphans, and poor authors with large 
 families. In truth, one might have thought they imagined 
 him a man capable of conquering the world with thirty 
 thousand troops, such was the plentiful pile of invitations 
 spread over his table. Even Hall wrote to say faro was 
 plaj'ed on the square at his establishment, which was visit- 
 ed by none but gentlemen of fashion and circumstance. 
 Mrs. Wise, too, intimated in one of the most delicately 
 perfumed billets, that her soirees were the most select in the 
 city, and if so distinguished a major would honor her with 
 a call, she would guarantee the rest. 
 
 The major had much to say to all who visited him; and 
 though they listened with particular attention, there was 
 something so strange about him, that, notwithstanding 
 they would, in the coolness of their judgment, have set 
 him down for an insane man, they could not reconcile such 
 a condition of mind with the masterly speech in the morn- 
 ing papers. They were also much disappointed at his ap- 
 pearance, for he resembled more a corsair, or a pirate, than 
 
274 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 a great politician. And as his coat was threadbare, and his 
 hair short cropped, many thought him a man who could 
 better maintain his dignity at a distance, though heaven 
 might send him fortune and earth give him bounties. 
 But as neither the man of commerce nor the man of letters 
 were capable of fully appreciating a military genius, who 
 found his reward in bufifets and hardships, and frequently 
 wore the tattered garments in which he had gained his 
 laurels, it was not to be expected that his preeminence 
 would be recognized at first sight by any but his com- 
 panions in arms. Hence he found inexpressible pleasure 
 in the calls of several persons, who, though they had never 
 smelled the perfumery of war, took great delight in the ap- 
 pellation of generals. One of these was as great a general 
 as New York was capable of producing, and set much 
 value upon his valor, though the only columns he was 
 known to have led to battle, were those of a ponderous 
 newspaper, in which was carefully preserved all the spice 
 and essence of a wonderful warrior. He could W^ite de- 
 structive three column articles with perfect ease, gave 
 extensive tea parties to very respectable ladies, had an 
 opinion ready on all great questions, could get up his 
 choler or his pistol at the shortest notice, could lay his 
 magnificent pistol away as quietly as any other man when 
 the occasion for it was over; and he could, if the nation 
 would only spare him, govern the world with the same. re- 
 freshing coolness that he could sip chocolate at Lord Twad- 
 dlepole's table, which was a high honor with him. If, I say, 
 this good man and excellent general had a weakness, it 
 was for exhibiting his nakedness with all the embroidery, 
 and for letting mankind in general know that he had joined 
 the church, which latter was well enough, seeing that it 
 atoned for numerous bygone backslidings. And as he 
 stood in his boots, nearly two feet taller than the major, it 
 
THE MAJOR RECEIVES CALLS. 275 
 
 was curious to witness the elongation of the little, rotund 
 figure that stood bowing before him. " I see, sir," spoke 
 the general, whose name was Toadytiip, " that you are 
 a soldier, and belong to the noble profession, in which I 
 flatter myself I have obtained distinction, though it has 
 fallen short of my expectations." 
 
 The major received the genei-al with becoming courtesy, 
 and after expressing his gratification at meeting so famous 
 a companion in arms, inquired as to the wars he had fought 
 in, and what number of scars he had received. 
 
 Toadytrip fussed himself into a state of very general 
 self sufficiency, and was at first not a little embarrassed ; 
 but at length he replied, that though he had never 
 been in battle, he was ready to serve him with meal or 
 metal in any of his undertakings. They now^ shook hands, 
 and strengthened their friendship over a little brandy, for 
 the general was an advocate of temperance only when it 
 applied to others. 
 
 " Tou must know, sir," said the major, " that I am no 
 scurvy fellow, but a man who has stood the devil knows 
 how much bufifeting in politics. I have made eight and 
 twenty speeches, sir, in a month ; and it was said of me 
 that no man could better them. And if you would know 
 more of my doings, please refer to my companions in the 
 Mexican War." 
 
 " Your fame makes that unnecessary. To-morrow I 
 give a tea party, and among the rest.of my guests I ex- 
 pect a bishop and a nobleman, who is traveling over the 
 country. They are both honest men, and as jolly fellows 
 as can be found in the land. Honor us with your com- 
 pany, sir, and I warrant you entertainment of no common 
 kind ; for there will not be one of the lower order among 
 my guests, and the high promotion you have obtained must, 
 I am sure, be the result of many battles, Vyhich my friends 
 
276 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 will be delighted to hear an account of." The major was 
 delighted with the compliment, but, as will hereafter he 
 shown, was not in a condition to honor the general's tea 
 party with his presence. And the general, having ex- 
 pressed his gratification at this meeting, took his depart- 
 ure, with many bows and assurances of friendship. When 
 he was gone, there came several equally great generals 
 and colonels, though editors of smaller newspapers; several 
 of these promised him the support of their columns in any 
 great undertaking he miglit embark in. This was espe- 
 cially so with the editors of the Celt, and the Irish Citizen, 
 both of which gentlemen only asked that he would give 
 them a pledge not to form an alliance with the English. 
 In addition to this, they discovered a strong inclination 
 for what was in the bottle, of which the major gave them 
 to drink, and sent them home happy. 
 
 It being now two o'clock, the major ordered a black bom- 
 bazine frock coat from Wyman's, and the committee of re- 
 ception having arrived with a carriage, he immediately 
 entered it, and was rolled away for the City Hall, where 
 he was received with much pomp and ceremony by Don 
 Fernando, who embraced the opportunity to make a 
 speech, such as, he fancied, Demosthenes never excelled. 
 And the major replied with his customary rhodomontade. 
 Both considered the event an extraordinary one, auguring 
 greater things to themselves. It must, in truth, he said of 
 Don Fernando, that he could receive guests with a court- 
 liness truly wonderful. I have not, however, thought it 
 necessary to record his speech here, inasmuch as it bore a 
 strong resemblance to such as may daily be found in the 
 morning papers. 
 
 When they had sufficiently exchanged compliments, 
 Don Fernando took great pains to show the major several 
 objects of greatest interest in the Hal], among which 
 
THE MAJOR RECEIVES CALLS. 277 
 
 was his corpulent chief of police, and a little man of the 
 name of Sampson Queerquirk, who was his lawyer and 
 factotum. He then took him hy the arm, and they sal- 
 lied out into a great hall, the walls of which were hung 
 with portraits of majors and other great men. Indeed it 
 seemed as if it were a malady with mayors to admire their 
 own portraits. The small modicum of vanity which slum- 
 bered in Don Fernando's bosom quickly took fire, and 
 deeming it the height of discretion not to overlook any 
 thing that might be of deep interest to so great a visitor, 
 he. pleasantly added, that a portrait of himself would soon 
 enhance the splendors of the gallery. 
 
 And in order to give more perfection to the reception, 
 and to make it in every way worthy of so great a politic- 
 ian, he had his troop of worthy policemen drawn up in 
 front of the City Hall, where they performed a series of 
 marches and counter-marches with such wonderful pre- 
 cision, that Don Fernando offered to wager a thousand 
 acres of land in California that a more orderly body of men 
 was not to be found. The major expressed himself de- 
 lighted with what he saw of them. " Indeed, sir," said he, 
 "I am pleased to see that they carry their clubs like men 
 accustomed to a mighty master. And let malicious scrib- 
 blers say what they will of them, I make no doubt they 
 will either keep or break the peace at your bidding." At 
 this Don Fernando blushed, but was cautious not to whis- 
 per a word about their agility for smashing skulls, and 
 sleeping at street corners, which was truly wonderful. 
 
 The major returned thanks for the high honor paid him, 
 and taking leave of Don Fernando, with many assurances 
 of esteem for his great administrative abilities, repaired to 
 his carriage, and returned to the hotel, where he met with 
 a misfortune, the quality of which will be related in the 
 next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 RELATING TO THE APPEARANCE OF AN UNEXPECTED 
 CHAEACTEE, WHICH GEIEVOTJSLY DISTURBED THE MA- 
 JOR'S EQUANIMITY. 
 
 As the major entered the great entrance to the St. 
 Nicholas, a well dressed man of medium size advanced 
 toward him, somewhat nervously, and fixing a quick, 
 suspicious eye upon him, whispered in his ear something 
 that caused him to turn pale. Indeed, he seemed confused 
 and bejvildered. Seeing that he had " private " business 
 with the major, the honorable gentlemen of the reception 
 committee, with becoming discretion, quietly took their 
 departure. " If you please, sir," said the man, " there is a 
 little matter of business — these are delicate matters ; but 
 you see, sir, (and I make it as delicate as my duty will 
 admit,) 1 treat every one whose acquaintance I make in 
 this way with indulgence, and more especially men of your 
 standing." 
 
 Here the man timorously commenced drawing an omin- 
 ous looking document from his coat pocket, but the ma- 
 jor interrupted, by touching him on the arm, and saying, 
 in a whisper, " As you are a man of discretion, pray deal 
 with me like a gentleman, and just come up stairs ; for I 
 would have you be cautious how you let your business 
 out." 
 
 The man touched his hat, and followed at a respectful 
 distance, and soon both disappeared into the majort 
 parlor 
 
 [278] 
 
AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER. 279 
 
 " Don't allow yourself to have any fears, sir ; for I 
 pledge you no one will know my business. I may say, 
 for I see you are nervous, that I pay so many little atten- 
 tions here, and to politicians, though not so great as your- 
 self, that most folks fancy me a guest of the house." The 
 man smiled, and was in no way displeased when he saw 
 the major feeling for a bottle with something in it. After 
 finding one, he held it before his eye : 
 
 "And now, sir," said he, " hoping to find you the gentle- 
 man I take you for, when you have quaffed a drop of this, 
 ■which will no doubt do you good, pray tell me what the 
 matter is, and who it is that seeks to take advantage of 
 me?" 
 
 " Astor House," replied the man, dryly. " The proprie- 
 tors are as good, generous fellows as can be found ; but 
 they have a way of wanting their own. They direct me 
 to treat you as becomes a gentleman. And now, sir, my 
 name is Tom Flanders ; and if you will say how you pro- 
 pose to settle this little afiair ?" 
 
 The major tossed and scratched his head, hitched up his 
 breeches, and seemed to have rolled his thoughts into a 
 state of deep study, in which he remained until the visitor's 
 patience was well nigh worn out. 
 
 " My time, if you please to consider it," replied the 
 man, " is money ! " Here he read the writ, and the affi- 
 davit affixed thereto. 
 
 " Upon my soul," the major replied, drawing his chair 
 nearer the man, and extending his hand, " we can settle 
 this affair, and be the best of friends ! It's an old stick, 
 but that does not matter ; and you have said the truth of 
 those gentlemen of the Astor, whose courtesy it was not 
 right of me to forget, though they did me the honor, when 
 a guest at their house, to say it might suit my position 
 and economy better to take private board." 
 
280 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 "It's only one tundred and thirty-seven dollars and costs. 
 The interest, they were good enough to say, should be 
 thrown in, which is something," muttered the man. 
 
 There was Mr. Councilman Dinnis Finnigan, alias Greeley 
 Hanniford, who had " done him out " of the money intend- 
 ed for this very bill. Perhaps, thought the major, having 
 come councilman, he will feel like making me an atone- 
 ment, who knows 1 " Upon my reputation, sir, I have hit, 
 (yes, I have.) I have hit on a way of settling this little 
 matter between us ! " said he, with an air of exultation. 
 " There is one Councilman Finnigan, who not many years 
 a.go, (I say it in confidence,) and when he was an honest 
 Quaker, and went by the name of Greeley Hanniford, did 
 very unkindly do me out of all my money. Only the 
 other day I jogged his memory concerning this matter, and 
 if he is come an honest man, he will consider my needs. 
 And seeing that the city, in reward for his past deeds, hag 
 made him one of its happy fathers, I take it he has 
 straightened his morals, and become a good christian." 
 
 The major here paused, and then inquired of the official 
 if he Mould condescend to accompany him to the residence 
 of Councilman Finnigan. The officer, in return immedi- 
 .ately declared his readiness to proceed with him ; at the 
 same time begged to remind him that the journey would, 
 be to no purpose ; for though the city fathers were fond 
 enough of the city pie, and always made out to keep their 
 fingers in it, they took good care no one else got a sop 
 of the sauce. As to expecting justice of Councilman Fin- 
 nigan for a past wrong, it was as well to look for gold on 
 Barren Island. They, however, proceeded together to the 
 house of the councilman, and on finding him at home im- 
 mediately communicated their business, to his great sur- 
 prise. In truth, the high official immediately began to 
 plead his poverty ; and though he would not hear a word 
 
AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER. '281 
 
 concerning the little affair of the pocket book, honestly 
 confessed that he had more than once had it in contem- 
 plation to watch a good opportunity, and ask the favor of 
 a small loan, which he stood much in need of to pay his 
 score at the Pewter Mug. 
 
 I ought to mention that the councilman treated the 
 victim of his early pranks with much consideration, and 
 after discoursing some time upon the inconveniences of 
 his attendant poverty, took down his whiskey, which he 
 said was an indifferent drink to offer so great a politician, 
 but the best his means would afford. And as it was a 
 drink much in favor with Father Fogarty, who was a 
 priest of great learning, and no renegade, as he had been 
 called by the Herald and Tribune, he hoped he would 
 excuse the rest. 
 
 He then explained to him how it was that tlie city fa- 
 thers were proverbially poor. It was all, he said, owing 
 to the parsimony of the old comptroller, who, when they 
 felt inclined to be liberal to one another, set himself up 
 for an inquisition. And after expressing his warmest 
 sympathy for the major's misfortunes, referred him to 
 Alderman Dan Dooley, who was a great discounter of 
 notes, and did a favor for a friend now and then, especi- 
 ally when there was a large return and no uncertainty. 
 The major and his official friend repaired without delay to 
 the alderman's house. But that gentleman only had a 
 thousand and one regrets to offer. Nor could Mr. Coun- 
 cilman Blennerhasset, who represented his distresses as 
 quite enough for any poor gentleman to manage, render 
 him any material relief; though the truth of the matter 
 was, that he was up for Congress, and required all his 
 surplus to purchase votes. The major now began to dis- 
 cern the complexion of his friends, and set to work thank- 
 ing heaven for the mercy of his deliverance from them. 
 
282 . ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 In Bhort, he now felt like a christian captive kicked by an 
 ass ; and as the official began to evince considerable uneasi- 
 ness, and speak of the value of his time, the major declared 
 his wits at fault. It however came suddenly into his head 
 that he would straightway go to the Astor, and plead his 
 case with the landlord, who being a man of sympathy, 
 and a christian, would not hear his prayer in vain. Indeed, 
 he felt it a courtesy due from him, for he remembered 
 how kindly the host took the disclosure of the misfortune 
 that had made him a sufferer, which was proof of a man 
 of tender heart. He now communicated his intention to 
 the official, who begged him to remember how far his in- 
 dulgence had already extended. " You see, sir," said he, 
 " we hold it right to perform favors as bountifully as circum- 
 stances will permit; but unless we get something in return 
 our children would go naked." The major now discover- 
 ed the inclinations of the man, and enjoining him to be 
 comforted, slipped a piece of gold into his hand. And 
 this quickly proved that such medicine went to the right 
 place, and was a sure panacea with officials for the ills of 
 impatience. Indeed, so ready was the official to serve 
 him, when this medicine had taken effect, that in addition 
 to being purged of all his impatience, I verily believe he 
 would have accompanied the major to the devil, (if his 
 inclinations had taken a turn that way,) so great was his 
 condescension and readiness to serve him. 
 
 They now proceeded to the Astor, where they found 
 the landlord in his usual good humor, and so glad to see 
 the major that, after shaking him heartily by the hand, he 
 would fain enter his name upon the register as a guest at 
 his house. " It is many years since we met, sir, and for- 
 tune, though it lias given me no money, has done some- 
 thing for us both," said the major, when they had suffici- 
 ently exchanged compliments. 
 
AN UNEXPECTED CHARACTER. 283 
 
 "Truly, I am glad to see you looking so well, major; 
 as for the money, pray do what you can for us; for our 
 house has been a place of comfort for military men and 
 politicians. And I know you will take no oifence when 
 I say that ' no money' is the cry with which they raise 
 their voices to us." 
 
 " Upon my soul, sir," interrupted the major, swaying 
 his shoulders, " it is not becoming of them 'to do so witli 
 a man of your generosity." 
 
 "You have my thanks," i (joined the landlord, with a 
 smile. " I may say, we wish our guests well, and do 
 cheerfully what we can to make the voyage of life pleas- 
 ant." And while thej' were thus addressing one another, 
 and endeavoring to outdo in compliments, the official took 
 up his position a few paces aside, and amused himself 
 by twii-ling on his heel. 
 
 " Indulgence well directed, sir," resumed the major, 
 looking askance at the landlord, " produces wonderful 
 effects. And, sir, if you will just please to bestow it in 
 this instance, it will settle the little matter between us, 
 and preserve our friendship. I confess, being a straight- 
 forward, honest man, that too many years have passed 
 since your great generosity permitted me to become your 
 debtor. But such, sir, is the condition of my financial 
 affairs, that though I have popularity enough for any 
 politician, I swear by my military reputation that I have 
 not nofr a dollar in my pocket, and as my wife, Polly 
 Potter, used to say, you can't get butter out of a pine 
 tree." 
 
 " I assure you, sir," rejoined the landlord, " it was not 
 our intention to give you trouble, and so quiet your appre- 
 hensions." 
 
 " And now, sir," exclaimed the major, grasping the 
 landlord warmly by the hand, " I see you are a philosp- 
 
284 ADVENTURES OF MA.TOK POTTER. 
 
 pher ; for though you might lock me up, (being your prop- 
 erty in law,) and cause my wife Polly to bewail my fate, 
 you would also lock up my prospects, which are your 
 hopes. Eemember, sir, I am a soldier who has fought 
 many battles, and have scars enough to satisfy any man 
 that I am an honorable gentleman. And I would have 
 you consider, sir, that several of my friends, (and they are 
 no small men,) have said it might do to try me in the next 
 presidential contest. And as you are a discreet man, pray 
 keep before your eyes how easy it would be with a salary 
 of twenty-five thousand dollars and the edgings, to shuffle 
 off such a trifle. Consider it well, sir, and you will not 
 let your anxiety interfere with my prospects, since I am 
 now a man of mark, and shall at least get a foreign mis- 
 sion, for the vast services I have rendered the party. And 
 I will share the income with you, if my children go sup- 
 perless to bed." The major continued in this manner, 
 pleading his poverty with the landlord, until he so excited 
 the goodness of his heart, that he not only regretted having 
 resorted to law, but actually dispatched the official to his 
 attorney with orders to forthwith stay proceedings. He 
 also accepted the major's word of honor for the forthcom 
 ing of all demands ; and, indeed, would not be content 
 until he had dined at his house, and recounted the many 
 deeds of valor he had performed while in Mexico, which 
 he did over a bottle of old Madeira. 
 
CHAPTER XXXII. 
 
 WHICH DESCRIBES WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE MAJOR 
 RETURNED TO THE SAINT NICHOLAS J WITH AN AC- 
 COUNT OF HOW HE GOT INTO DEBT AT THE ASTOR, AND 
 VARIOUS OTHER THINGS. 
 
 It was early evening when the major came exultingly 
 into his parlor at the Saint Nicholas, and after c[uenching 
 his thirst in a nicely mixed beverage, for the day was ex- 
 cessively warm, said : " And now, young man, I own I 
 have not done much for you yet ; but you must not be 
 discomfited, for there is a good time ahead, and I begin 
 to esteem myself no small diplomatist. Indeed, if you 
 had seen how I accommodated myself to that affair with 
 the Astor, which threatened to overthrow all my pros- 
 pects to-day, you would have seen, sir, that I am not 
 a man to build castles in the air. No, sir, I hold the 
 advantage gained over the host of the Astor in the light 
 of a victory gained over my enemies. And though my 
 private affairs are somewhat loose in the joints, what mat- 
 ters it, so long as I stand square in the public eye ? Private 
 affairs are private affairs, and I hold it good philosophy 
 that they have nothing to do with a public man and his 
 usefulness." 
 
 The major here commenced to recount, taking consid- 
 erable credit to himself as a diplomatist, how he got the 
 advantage of the landlord. 
 
 " I pleaded my poverty while keeping my prospective 
 
 [285] 
 
286 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 riches before his eyes," said he ; " and as he was as scru- 
 pulous of his character for generosity as he was of the 
 reputation of his house, I was careful to enhance the op- 
 portunity of flattering both those weaknesses. I also said, 
 by way of perfecting the thing, that when in the capacity 
 of foreign minister, I had agreed to correspond with the 
 Courier and Enquirer, which, notwithstanding it was an al- 
 most pious newspaper, and edited by not less than two fam- 
 ous generals, and the grandson of a most worthy bishop, who 
 was a poetaster, as well as a man of so much fashion that 
 he had gained an enviable celerity for writing sonnets and 
 eulogistic essays in admiration of fair but very faulty 
 actresses ; being the prospective correspondent of this 
 almost pious newspaper, I consoled the landlord with a 
 promise to write numerous puffs of his house. My point 
 is carried, and if they like not my articles, as the critics 
 say, they will at least give me credit for astuteness, for 
 the man who succeeds is the man in these days ! " 
 
 "And now, sir," said I, " remember that you promised, as 
 we were journeying over the road to Barnstable, to renew 
 the history of your first adventure in New York, in which 
 you were interrupted by the mischievous boys." And as 
 nothing so much pleased hiin as to relate his misfortunes at 
 that time, he went straight into a rhapsody of joy, fretted 
 his beard, looked quizzically out of his eyes, and said : 
 
 " I have it, sir ! I have the exact place. I was, as I 
 am now, on my way to Washington, in the hope of getting 
 a reward for the services I had rendered the party; but 
 having lost all my money by one of these pranks which 
 the gentry of New York practice, and which Mr. Council- 
 man Finnigan, (I honor hint in his present position,) is, 
 no doubt, skilled in, I had no means either to pay my 
 landlord, or what certainly was much more, to leave his 
 premises. 
 
PRIOR ADVENTURES. 287 
 
 " Days and .weeks I was a martyr to my doubts and fears, 
 and ate the good man's meat as if his finger was on my 
 shoulder, and his eye on my plate. Several times he sug- 
 gested, in the most gentlemanly manner, that it would be 
 consulting economy for me to seek private board. But I 
 should like to see the man who could look a widow land- 
 lady in the face, (unless he intended marrying one of her 
 daughters,) without a dollar in his pocket. I told the 
 landlord as much, but he only laughed, and said it was a 
 thing very common at this day. 
 
 " I got up one morning, eat what little my anxiety 
 would admit, went and sat down upon a seat in the Park, 
 and contemplated the inclinations of the passers as they 
 rushed by ; fixed my eyes upon the city hall clock, as it 
 struck ten, and thought the policemen cast an unusually 
 sharp eye at me, as they sauntered by, and puzzled my 
 brain to find some means of relief, for I had just received 
 a letter from my wife, Polly, who was in a sad strait at 
 home, which added to the amount of my own misfortunes. 
 And while I was musing in this way, a street beggar ap- 
 peared, and notwithstanding he was well dressed, de- 
 manded alms ; and when I told him I had none to give, 
 he set to cursing me right manfully, which was a custom 
 with such knaves, who imitated the city fathers in more 
 ways than one. And as if to show his contempt for one 
 who had no alms to give, the knave threw me a shilling, 
 which he advised me to spend for the washing of my linen, 
 which he saw stood in much need of it. Remembering 
 that I was a politician, I felt mortified enough, and sum- 
 moning what little stock of courage I had left, I repaired 
 to the hotel, resolved to be manly, and ask the loan of 
 twenty dollars or so, just to get me over my diflSculties — 
 that is, to get out of the Astor and into humble lodgings. 
 Being at that time skilled in the art of making calf 
 
288 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 brogans, necessity seemed pointing me to that as the 
 only means of retrieving my fortunes. 
 
 " On entering the hotel, the landlord kindly pointed me 
 to my baggage, which he had brought down, having much 
 need of his rooms, and carefully set in the office. This put an 
 end to our acquaintance, as well as left me without cour- 
 age enough to request the loan I had contemplated. I 
 own the whole thing was done with much shrewdness, 
 and was a decided improvement on being kicked into 
 the street. But though I was neither a rogue nor a high- 
 wayman, I took up my valise and proceeded into the 
 street, feeling like one whose dignity was never to be 
 restored to him. After wandering about for some time, 
 like one crazed with some religious phantasy, I found my- 
 self in front of a little house on Greene Street, with a 
 paper on the walls, setting forth that lodgings were to be 
 had within. I was in a mood to find comfort any where, 
 so knocked at the shabby little door, and was admitted by 
 a negro wench of great fatness, into a greasy little entry, 
 from whence I was shown into a dingy parlor, crowded with 
 well worn furniture. The mistress of the house, the ne- 
 gress said, would soon be home ; and pointing me to some 
 books that stood upon a dusty table, and interposed be- 
 tween a dilapidated sofa and an old fashioned tete-a- 
 tete, bid me amuse myself Then she gave me a broken 
 fan, and seemed very generally anxious to make me com- 
 fortable. I took a seat in a dyspeptic arm chair, that kept 
 up a curious clicking, and after waiting for some time, 
 perplexed a little at first, consoled myself that others had 
 troubles, perhaps worse than mine. Then I dropped into 
 a nap, and forgot all my cares until the door bell tinkled, 
 and I awoke, feeling sure the mistress of the house was 
 arrived; but it turned out to be the boy with the Evening 
 Post, a journal I always admired for its admirable morals 
 
PBIOR ADVENTURES. 289 
 
 Indeed I may say I regard it an excellent journal to read 
 in an hour of distress, its philosophy being soothingly pro- 
 found. I seized the paper, and read from outside to in- 
 side, until my courage was quite restored, and I began 
 humming an air which sent me into the happiest of moods. 
 " Presently my eye caught a portrait I fancied to be a 
 likeness of the landlady, hung with dusty crape upon the 
 wall, and having the appearance of a specter peering 
 through the mist. I was curious to see the quality of her 
 beauty, and advancing toward it, parted the crape in the 
 center, and there beheld a face and bust of such exqui- 
 site loveliness that I felt sure the rogue of a painter must, 
 in the outpouring of his love for the beautiful, have been 
 trying his skill at flattering the vanity of some damsel 
 with a likeness of Haidee. She had the bust of a Venus, 
 and was dressed low enough in the neck to admit full 
 scope to the devil's fancies. Her face, too, was so oval 
 that nature could not have added one line more to its 
 perfection ; while her complexion was of deep olive, made 
 ravishing by the carnatic flush of her cheeks. And she 
 had what poets and lady novelists call great Italian eyes, 
 beaming lustrous of soul and energy ; and hair that float- 
 ed in raven blackness over shoulders that seemed chisel- 
 ed. I began to think myself the happiest of men, for my 
 system had always a bit of poetic fire in it. And then 
 these charms, which had already begun to rob my 
 heart of its peace, were made more seductive by a calmly 
 resolved and yet pensive expression of countenance. In- 
 deed, at a second glance, it seemed to approach melan- 
 choly, and bespoke that frame of mind when sorrow feeds 
 most upon the heart. 
 
 " I touched the frame, and instantly it fell to the floor, 
 with a great noise. And while in the midst of my confu- 
 sion, a key clicked in the door, and a lady of stately 
 13 
 
290 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 figure, dressed in deep mourning, advanced into the parlor, 
 and, being deeply veiled, took a seat upon the sofa, quite 
 like a stranger. 1 bowed and said, ' Madam, I am waiting 
 for the mistress of the house. You are on a similar errand, 
 I take it ? ' To which she replied in a voice of peculiar 
 sweetness, that she was the person, and would have me 
 make known my business. She then threw back one 
 veil, and then another, until she discovered a face even 
 more beautiful than that of the portrait I had just replaced 
 on the wall. I must also mention that she seemed con- 
 scious of her charms, for with an air of much grace and 
 dignity, she raised her jeweled fingers, so tapering, and 
 smoothed the glossy black hair over her polished brow, 
 while the diamonds of her bracelets sparkled through the 
 white ruffles that hung from her wrists. 
 
 " ' My name, madam,' said I, ' is Major Eoger Sherman 
 Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter. I make no 
 doubt you have heard of me, for enough has been said of 
 me in the newspapers. But I will say no more of that 
 just now, for it does not become a military man to speak 
 of himself" 
 
 " ' Your name, sir,' said she, condescending a bow and a 
 smile, ' is quite familiar. Indeed, if yon will pardon it in 
 me, I may say that I have had great curiosity to see a 
 gentleman so popular, for I was raised and educated 
 among distinguished people, and am fond of their society, 
 which I cannot now enjoy, since fortune has treated me 
 unkindly, and I am not what I was, as you may see by 
 my humble calling.' 
 
 " I begged she would take the most favorable view of 
 her prospects, and at the same time not feel embarrassed. 
 
 " ' But tell me, sir,' she resumed, with a look of great 
 earnestness, ' did you come on business for my first hus- 
 band, Mr. Primrose ? ' 
 
PRIOR ADVENTURES. 291 
 
 " Not wishing to make her anxiety painful, (for I am 
 not a man of evil inclinations,) I discovered my business 
 to her, but said nothing of the state of my finances. 
 
 " 'You have my thanks for the condescension you have 
 vouchsafed, sir,' she replied, evidently much pleased at 
 the prospect of so famous a lodger ; ' but I fear my lodg- 
 ings are far too humble for one of your position. They 
 are small, and furnished according to my scanty means.' 
 
 " lat once told her that obscurity was my object, and 
 that it was enough that there was peace in the house, for 
 I was engaged over a mighty project, which I could not 
 perfect with so many striving to do me honor. If she was 
 before pleased, she now became exultant, and nimbly led the 
 way up two pair of narrow stairs, entering more freely into 
 conversation, and saying the parlor was at my service 
 when company called. 'Now these are not large, but 
 comfortable rooms,' she continued, showing me into a 
 little ten by twelve nook ; ' I have six lodgers similarly 
 situated, and they are all genteel men, doing a large busi- 
 ness.' She then began giving me an account of their 
 various business pursuits, which was so confused and in- 
 definite as to i-ender it impossible clearly to understand 
 whether they were bankex's, doctors, clergymen, or stock 
 brokers. In truth, by her own showing, they conversed 
 of stocks, chips, sermons, and splits, with equal facility. 
 But there was something I could not exactly understand, 
 in the manner of her thanking God, that though reduced 
 to this humble style of living she was comfortable, and 
 expected soon to see the day when she would be restored 
 to the rank in society from which she had fallen. ' There 
 was, as I am a lady,' she added, with a look of sorrow 
 shadowing her face, ' a time when every button on my 
 father's coat cost a dollar, and our family servants all wore 
 as nice liveries as could be seen in Fifth Avenue, for we 
 
292 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 had them changed a number of times, until we got them 
 unlike any one else's.' She was evidently distressed with 
 some past trouble ; and when I said, 'Madam, I will do 
 myself the honor to become an inmate of your house,' she 
 seemed so overjoyed that it was with difficulty she could 
 withhold her tears. On inquiring her name and what 
 business her husband followed, she replied that her name 
 was Mrs. Pickle, (she having dropped Primrose for suffi- 
 cient cause,) and that of her husband, Mr. Stephen Pickle, 
 of the young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & 
 Flutter, doing business near Wall Street. We returned 
 to the parlor, and when the valise bearing my name, which 
 I took good care to keep in sight, was sent up stairs, and I 
 had told her how the accident to her portrait was caused, 
 she blushed and was so ready to unbosom her griefs, that 
 she immediately proceeded to give me an account of her- 
 self, and how it was that she was Mrs. Pickle and Mr. 
 Primrose still living. 
 
 " 'Pardon me, sir,' said she, 'but as I know j-ou think it 
 strange that I have adopted this humble calling, I will tell 
 you in brief how it happened. A change came over my 
 father's fortunes, and from being a rich and influential 
 merchant, he was, by what is called endorsing for 
 others, reduced to a state of poverty, and so harassed by 
 his creditors, who in their grasping for what he had would 
 give him no chance to retrieve his fortunes, that he put an 
 end to a miserable existence by hanging himself. My father 
 was a man of simple tastes, and set a higher value upon 
 his good name than upon the worldly show which was 
 coming into fashion at that time. With my mother, it was 
 quite different, for although she was much given to the 
 church, and subscribed largely for the support of an ex- 
 pensive clergyman, she had a love of worldly show and 
 ostentation, that not only reduced my father's means but 
 
PRIOR ADVENTURES. 293 
 
 grievously distressed him. The sudden turn in our cir- 
 cumstances produced but little change in my mother, who 
 set great value upon the good looks she imagined me 
 possessing; and having some money of her own, we 
 took board with Mrs. Marmaduke, who kept a boarding 
 house for people of distinction, in Fifth Avenue, and was 
 famous for the style and luxury of her establishment, 
 which had been the scene of several rich matrimonial 
 alliances. 
 
 " ' Having previously formed the acquaintance of a poor 
 but respectable young artist and poet, whose kindness and 
 sincei-ity, as well as the great love he bore his art, in 
 •which he had already gained celebrity, so won my aflfec- 
 tions, that it seemed as if I could be happy with none other. 
 And when my mother discovered how our inclinations 
 were bent, she forbid him coming to the house. He had 
 no money, she said, and painters were, in addition to being 
 very generally fools, a shabby class of men, who were 
 thought little of among rich merchants, and never took 
 rank in the aristocracy — at least, not in this country. 
 Putting these things together, she could not think of 
 giving her consent to an alliance with such a person. In 
 truth, sir, though my narrative may not interest you, I 
 may mention that she more than once declared that 
 painters and poets were such a shiftless set that they 
 ought to be bundled into the sea together. ' Think ! 
 Maria,' she would say, ' of a thing with a weasel of dirty 
 paints in his hands, and a bit of canvas, cut, may be, from 
 some old ship's sail, before him, and he trying to get some 
 curious notion upon it ! A pretty person to go into society 
 with, indeed 1 ' This did not deter me from my purpose, 
 so we would meet in saloons on Broadway, and exchange 
 our affections, and concert measures for our mutual relief 
 " ' Matters proceeded in this way until Mr. Primrose and 
 
294 ADVENTURES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 his friend, Mr. Sparks, came to the house. They professed 
 to be Englishmen of wealth and station, educated at Ox- 
 ford, and acquainted with enough of the nobility to enable 
 them to mix with our best society. According to Mr. 
 Sparks, his friend Mr. Primrose, to whom he paid great 
 deference, had riches enough to purchase a kingdom or 
 two. Mr. Primrose had a servant in livery, and arms 
 painted on his carriage door, and the fleetest of horses. 
 My mother was much taken with him, and Mrs. Marma- 
 duke declared that a more perfect gentleman had never 
 graced her drawing rooms. He took them both to operas, 
 and balls, and sleigh rides. And he paid them such court 
 as completely won their confidence. In truth, they were 
 both so enamored of him, that they were singing his 
 praises from morning till night. And when he had suflS- 
 ciently won them over to him, he commenced paying his 
 addresses to me, and so earnestly did he press his suit, 
 that my mother declared it would not do to protract so 
 excellent a chance. And notwithstanding my hand had 
 heen pledged to Milando, which was the name of the 
 young painter, my mother insisted, and our nuptials were 
 celebrated, though much against my wOl. It seems a 
 report, which my mother did not see fit to contradict, had 
 got out that I was the only heir to a large estate, which 
 was the prize Mr. Primrose sought to secure. In two 
 short months the truth was revealed. I had no dowry, 
 which so disappointed him, that he began to cast reflections 
 on my poverty, adding that he had been deceived by the 
 false representations of my artful mother. This gave me 
 so much pain, that I sought relief for my distress in fre- 
 quenter interviews with Milando, who, seeing himself ill 
 treated for his poverty, resolved to quit a profession in 
 which neglect and distrust too often repay its votaries, 
 and take to one that would at least afiford him money ■ 
 
PRIOR ADVENTURES. 295 
 
 which, according to the fashion of the day, was the only 
 passport into what was called good society. 
 
 " ' Mr. Sparks quarreled with Mr. Primrose, who was 
 in arrears for hoard with Mrs. Marmaduke, and let it out 
 that he was only a knight of the needle, who had formerly 
 resided in Bermuda, which he left for a cause it is not 
 worth while to mention here, though he was skillful 
 enough at making breeches, and getting up odd liveries 
 for ambitious families. He was missing one morning, and 
 as his friend Sparks had taken the precaution to precede 
 him, there were so many inquiries for him at Mrs. Marma- 
 duke's, that it soon became clear he had left to escape the 
 importunities of his creditors. In truth, he was declared 
 an impostor, and the whole affair got into the newspapers, 
 the editors of which set about ferreting out a few of his 
 exploits, when it was found that the deception practiced 
 upon me was only one among many, for he had gained a 
 victory over the affections of several widows, and left no 
 less than three wives to sorrow. And so skillfully were 
 his exploits performed, that each victim imagined him the 
 most sincere and devoted of lovers. 
 
 " ' This sad occurrence, and its publicity, so mortified 
 my mother, who was harassed with debts she had con- 
 tracted to keep up appearances, that she survived it but a 
 month. I was then left like a hapless mariner tossed on 
 a troubled sea, and with no friend near. Mrs. Marmaduke 
 made me a mere vassal in her house, and the inmates 
 treated me as if I were born to be scorned. Milando was 
 my only hope, my only true friend — the only one to whom 
 I could confide my heart achings, to whom I could look 
 to save me from a life of shame, to which remorse had 
 almost driven me. And will you believe that he in- 
 voked a curse, and resolved to leave his profession, (for 
 he could not live like those shabby men of the newspapers,) 
 
296 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to seek means whereby lie could live without struggling 
 in poverty and want. True, the wealthy gave him orders 
 for paintings, affected great love for his art, of which they 
 held themselves great patrons when they had bought two 
 pictures. But, as a general thing, they had most excuses 
 when he called, and were least ready to pay, which so 
 tried his proud spirit, that he more than once resigned tlie 
 pictures to them rather than be a supplicant for his pay. 
 
 '' ' Necessity at last drove him to painting Venuses for 
 keepers of bar rooms, who regarded art only as a means to 
 excite the baser passionsof the vulgar. And though he was 
 by this enabled to meet the demands on his purse, tlie 
 thought of degrading an art to which he had given the de- 
 votions of bis life, grieved him to the heart. He therefore 
 resolved tbat, as he could not make it serve the high pur- 
 pose for which it was intended, he would abandon it. And 
 when he changed his profession, he changed his name. He 
 is now Mr. Pickle of the firm I have before mentioned. We 
 were privately married under that name, and have since 
 lived as humble as you see us. Wben we have got money 
 enough, my husband will return to his profession. And 
 now, sir, pray adapt yourself to our humble mode of liv- 
 ing, and remember that our home is your home while yon 
 remain with us.' 
 
CHAPTER XXXIII. 
 
 WHICH RELATES HOW THE MAJOR DROPPED THE TITLE OF 
 MAJOR, AND TOOK THAT OF GENERAL ; ALSO, HOW HE 
 JOINED THE YOUNG AMERICAN BANKING HOUSE OF 
 PICKLE, PRIG, & FLUTTER. 
 
 " When the lady had enlisted my sympathy by her 
 narrative,'' continued the major, " which she related in a 
 voice so sweet and melodious that I listened to her with 
 unmixed pleasure, the door bell rang, and Mr. Pickle, a 
 man of straight person and medium height, entered. His 
 hair was black, and curled down his neck, which was 
 symmetrical. And, too, his face was singularly express- 
 ive, and his features prominent. In a word, his appear- 
 ance was prepossessing. And in addition to dressing in 
 the fashion of the day, he wore many jewels. His bearing 
 also was graceful ; and on entering the room, he address- 
 ed the lady with much courtesy, and called her Maria. 
 She in turn introduced him to me as her husband. And 
 I must say he seemed not a little surprised and confused 
 at hearing my name, and inquired a second time, if I was 
 the Major Roger Potter, of whom so much had been said in 
 the newspapers ? And when I satisfied him on that point, 
 he became so truly delighted that he immediately engaged 
 me in conversation concerning the state of the nation, 
 about which he was well read, and indeed knew so much, 
 that I at once took him for a politician. But he assured 
 me he was not ; and to farther satisfy me, he commenced 
 13* [297] 
 
298 ADVENTURES OF MAJOB :^OTTER. 
 
 a description of tlie banking and other operations the 
 Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, & Flut- 
 ter were engaged in. They had an office near Wall Street, 
 furnished with the finest desks, carved in black walnut, and 
 Brussels carpets, and stationery of a equality sufficient to 
 carry on an endless amount of diplomacy. They had 
 books showing their correspondence with various promi- 
 nent bankers in Europe — such as George Peabody, the 
 Rothschilds, Overand, Gurney, & Co., of London ; and 
 Monroe & Co., of Paris. They had cards printed show- 
 ing the most respectable references ; they had correspond- 
 ents in all important towns over the Union, and towns 
 they had none in were not worthy of so distinguished a 
 consideration. They had gold mines in Peru and Mexico 
 and California ; silver mines in Chili, and iron mines in 
 Patagonia and Nova Scotia. As to copper mines, they 
 owned them here and there all the way from Lake Su- 
 perior to Cuba and Valparaiso. Indeed, they owned and 
 were agents for such an innumerable quantity of outly- 
 ing property, that a country gentleman, as I was, might 
 have imagined them in possession of at least one half of 
 South America, and thai the only one worth having. In 
 addition to this, they condescended at times to discount 
 notes, especially when it was a sure thing, and five per 
 cent, a month was a matter of no consequence with the 
 holder. They drew bills, too, and sold exchange on every 
 city in Europe ; and would have drawn on Canton, had 
 they been honored with a demand. In fine, there 
 was not a city from Constantinople to Oregon, in which 
 they had not a balance, and were prepared to draw upon. 
 And I verily believe that, had it been necessary, they 
 would have had a Bedouin Arab for agent in Egypt. 
 The house now stood much in need of a little ready^'cash 
 to steady it on one side, and a prominent name (if coupled 
 
HIS ADVANCEMENTS. 299 
 
 ■with a military title, so much the better) to prop up its 
 dignity on the other. Indeed, I discovered from what 
 Pickle said that the dignity of the house had ah-eady be- 
 gun to tottle a little, and needed a steadying name and a 
 steadying balance. 
 
 " When we had taken supper together, he renewed the 
 conversation, which finally resulted in his saying that a 
 person so popular as myself was just such a one as they 
 wanted for partner in their house. Inquiring what I 
 thought of the matter, he said he would propose it to the 
 firm, and to-morrow make me a proposal. He also sug- 
 gested, that if I would drop the Major, and assume the title 
 of General — a thing done every day by the greatest of 
 politicians — the effect would be equal to a large amount 
 of capital. Generals stood well in Wall Street ; generals 
 were excellent men (when endorsed by bishops) to send 
 abroad to effect loans ; generals were capital fellows to 
 get well out of a financial collapse; in fact, generals were 
 just the men to get through any sort of difficulty. Society 
 bowed to a general ; the people were charmed by a gene- 
 ral; a general was every thing to a Young American 
 Banking House like that of Pickle, Prig, & Flutter. No 
 matter how visionary your scheme, you had only to tie a 
 general to it, and success was certain. If you could buy 
 up a newspaper or two, so much the better, for then the 
 general would appear as editor, and be prepared, as was 
 the custom of the day, to praise every scheme they were 
 engaged in. I thought the offer very kind of Mr. Pickle, 
 since my affairs were in a financial collapse ; and on the 
 following day met his partners, at their banking house, 
 which was an exceedingly stylish affair. The result was, 
 1 became a partner in the concern — a silent partner, with 
 the name and title of General Roger Sherman Potter, Prig 
 
300 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 holding it good policy to retain the Sherman, that being a 
 name of great weight in the banking world. 
 
 " The consummation of this being announced in all the 
 newspapers, it was ordered that I occupy a seat in the 
 office at an immense mahogany desk, at least three hours 
 a day. I was to have all the daily papers duly filed at 
 my hand, and to appear immersed in a pile of correspond- 
 ence, just received per various foreign arrivals. If a cus- 
 tomer strayed to me, I was to refer him to Flutter, who 
 was the polite man of the firm, and generally sat in an 
 enclosure of highly polished walnut railings, at a desk, 
 upon which lay an enormous ledger he was for ever foot- 
 ing up, and which he at times left with great reluctance. 
 Sometimes I was directed to refer the customer to a 
 foreign gentleman who sat demurely at a desk in a corner, 
 engaged in filling up foreign bills of exchange. In leav- 
 ing unnoticed much that the house did, I may mention 
 that it soon got into an extensive credit; for Flutter, who 
 was a man of extremely good looks and dress, kept two 
 of the best looking and most expensive female companions 
 in Twenty-third Street, while Prig had a stud of seven 
 horses, not one of which could be beat at Harlem ; and 
 these qualifications were excellent passports into the credit 
 of the banking world of Wall Street. In truth. Flutter 
 would frequently say, that the very hue and circum- 
 stance of their establishment was such as to make an im- 
 pression upon, and secure the confidence of, the most flinty 
 hearted banker ; and as love of show was the malady of 
 the nation, you must make the plaster to suit. 
 
 " Pickle was engaged most of the time in outdoor opera- 
 tions, and left to Prig and Flutter the sole management 
 of the exchanges. And both being extremely generous 
 men, and fast enough for any thing, they soon made a 
 
HIS ADVANCEMENTS. 301 
 
 large eircle of friends, whose paper they were ready to 
 endorse out of sheer love. I had money enough for all 
 my wants, and began to think myself the happiest of men. 
 It was also deemed advisable, and for the advantage of 
 the house, that I should go to board at the Astor. So, 
 rubbing out the old score, I left my humble lodgings at 
 Mrs. Pickle's, and returned to my old quarters, where, on 
 seeing the quality of my pocket, I soon got in high' favor 
 with the landlord, and gave dinners to my friends. We 
 went on swimmingly for nearly a year, and the Young 
 American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, Flutter, & Co., it 
 got rumored on the street, had been wonderfully prosper- 
 ous. I sent my wife, Polly Potter, enough to live like a 
 lady, and all the village began to say she was an excellent 
 person, and our children played with the children of the best 
 of them. One day, a short time after we had been draw- 
 ing no end of bills, and selling largely of foreign exchange, 
 there came back upon us such a large amount of returned 
 paper as completely drove Flutter out of sight, while Prig 
 said he held it advisable not to be seen at the counter. 
 Twenty-four hours passed, and he also was not to be 
 found. Poor Pickle got nervous, and turned pale, and 
 offered all the excuses his ingenuity could invent to save 
 himself from a cage with bars. Curses came like thunder 
 claps upon the head of the house, but it was all to no ef- 
 fect. We had no balance in the bank, and cursing money 
 out of a dead banking house, it seemed to me, was as use- 
 less an occupation as trying to get goods out of the cus- 
 tom house without feeing an employe of that very 
 accommodating asylum for idlers and rogues. The house 
 thought it advisable to shut up, which it did by posting a 
 notice to that effect upon the door. For myself, I felt like 
 making my peace with my Maker, and enjoining him to 
 send me some less perplexing mission ; for the thing got 
 
S02 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 into the newspapers, and we" were held up to be a set of 
 impostors, who deserved to be well hanged. 
 
 "And then Wall Street got into a strong frenzy, raised 
 a cry of holy horror that such miscreants had been suf- 
 fered to pollute the atmosphere of its righteousness ; to 
 preserve which its votaries were ready to call in all the 
 bishops and priests of the land ; though not a word was 
 said of the many who had ransomed their backslidings 
 with the tears of widows they had induced to invest in 
 divers schemes. But to make the matter worse, it was 
 found that Flutter, who was skilled in caligraphy, and 
 could imitate the signatures of others to perfection, had 
 raised a large amount of money on a species of collateral 
 that proved to be worthless, though excellent as illustrat- 
 ing his skill in imitation. In truth, Flutter could manu- 
 facture first class paper with a degree of perfection rarely 
 excelled. As neither Flutter nor Prig were to be found, 
 and all attempts to solve the mystery of their ancestry 
 proved futile, poor Pickle was arrested, called a miscreant, 
 and all sorts of evil names ; but was declared innocent by 
 a jury of his peers, though his trial made a great noise, 
 and there were enough unkind enough to say he ought to 
 get twenty-one years in the penitentiary. Sly insinua- 
 tions were also cast out about me ; but they were coupled 
 with so much courtesy, that as I had made nothing by 
 the concern, I proceeded straight to the Astor, explained , 
 the state of my distress to the landlord, who indulged his 
 disappointment with a few regrets, but at length said I 
 ought to thank heaven it was no worse. He said he 
 would wait for the little affair between us, hoping that 
 fortune would so smile on me as to hasten the pay day. 
 The Young American Banking House of Pickle, Prig, 
 Flutter, & Co., being at an end, I held it prudent to give 
 up my mission to Washington, (I had received news that 
 
HIS ADVANCEMENTS. 303 
 
 my chances were slender,) and get quickly and quietly 
 to my wife Polly, who at first thought I had come to take 
 her and the family to live among the fine folks of New 
 York, and was sorely grieved when the truth came out, 
 but soon embraced me like a good wife. And together 
 we lived as happily as could be desired, (I made calf bro- 
 gans at twenty cents a pair,) until I went to the Mexican 
 War, where, by my merit and bravery, I soon won my way 
 to distinction." 
 
CHAPTER XXXIV. 
 
 WHICH DESCRIBES SEVEEAL STRANGE INCIDENTS THAT 
 TOOK PLACE, AND MUST BE RECORDED, OR THE TRUTH 
 OF THIS HISTORY MAY BE QUESTIONED. 
 
 The major concluded his narrative, but forgot to men- 
 tion, tliat when he returned home to his family, it was as 
 plain Major Roger Potter — a change he considered due 
 to discretion, for the villagers were extremely inquisitive, 
 and might inquire by what process he was made a gen- 
 eral. And, as his military honor never failed him, so was 
 it brought into excellent use in gaining an advantage over 
 the landlord of the Astor. 
 
 The night was now far advanced, and as we were about 
 retiring to bed, Barnum entered, and, after debating va- 
 rious subjects, the conversation turned upon the wonderful 
 pig, Duncan. The major swore he would not part with 
 him for his weight in gold, as he intended soon to place 
 him under the care of Doctor Easley, who would so cul- 
 tivate his knowledge of Germg,n and other languages, as 
 to take the critics by surprise, and cause them to get up 
 a controversy concerning his talents, which was a fashion 
 with them. And, as neither Easley could be embarrassed 
 with his charge, nor the charge be ashamed of his tutor, 
 who contemplated himself the greatest living critic after 
 Macaulay, he would prosecq*€ his studies with every ad- 
 vantage to himself, since, wliien he was brought forward 
 for public favor, Easley could not abandon his pupil, and, 
 [304] 
 
SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS. 305 
 
 being well paid, would consider himself in duty bound to 
 write divers panegyrics in his praise. But Barnum, who 
 was as shrewd as the major, though, perhaps, not so great 
 a knave, persisted that such a course of instruction, and 
 with such a tutor, could not fail to prove a grave injury, 
 since the pig's talents were valuable only because they 
 were natural, and the more wonderful on that account- 
 As to Easley, he was but a dilapidated priest, much given 
 to such tricks as were common with them, and, being 
 employed by numerous publishers, who held him in high 
 esteem as a critic, thought it no harm to write profound 
 essays on the very trashy books of very sentimental 
 school girls of sixteen. Barnum continued in this strain 
 until he convinced the major that it would not be safe to 
 place so gifted an animal under instructions to so capri- 
 cious a critic as Easley, who would surely damage his 
 morals, as well as his manners. 
 
 He also declared that his dealings in monstrosities had 
 got him into numerous diflSculties with editors and savans, 
 which caused him to contemplate giving it up, though he 
 well knew the public appetite for such things had not 
 lessened a whit. And though the state of his affairs were 
 somewhat chronic, he thought, if he could get another 
 first class monstrosity, he could create an excitement that 
 would make his fortune, and send New York mad. He 
 had thought of getting up a clever imitation of. the devil, 
 which he was sure the public would all rush to see, and 
 had undertaken the enterprise, but that he feared the 
 editors would pick some flaw in him ; for, though he had 
 made them a mermaid, and a wooly horse, they still com- 
 plained of his skill, and said he was not fit, when his 
 friends suggested him for President of the United States. 
 
 I finally witnessed an agreement between this wonder- 
 ful man and the major, by which the latter was to engage 
 
306 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 Duncan to the former at ten dollars a night, for ten 
 nights, the engagement then to expire, and be open to 
 further negotiations, according to the degree of favor then 
 established between the animal and the public. And, as 
 an evidence of his faith in the pig's talent, Barnum de- 
 clared the first wonderful feat he intended to perfect him 
 in, was that of sitting in state and presiding over primary 
 meetings ; and no man of sound sense would say he had 
 not talent enough for the office. 
 
 When, then, the bargain was completed, and the major 
 had given an order for the safe delivery of the pig into the 
 hands of the loquacious showman, he touched him on the 
 arm, and said, with an air of much sympathy, '• Remem- 
 ber, sir, my affection for this animal makes it not the 
 easiest thing in the world for me to part with him. And 
 he was a great favorite with my wife Polly, who was so 
 much attached to him that she shed no few tears at his 
 departure. Pray see well to his behavior ; and, as I take 
 you for as good a christian gentleman as any of them, I 
 would have you remember that he was brought up in the 
 care of the clergy, and can cut pranks enough if you let 
 him have his way, though, from what I have seen, I 
 should judge he had no love for the vulgar politics they 
 delight to meddle with. Another favor I have to ask is 
 this — that you will not whisper the ownership, lest the 
 matter between us get to the ears of the editors, who 
 would make much of it to the damage of my reputation 
 as a politician. There is, also," he continued, in a whis- 
 per, " a little affair or two outstanding, which might make 
 it extremely inconvenient." 
 
 No sooner had the showman taken his departure, than 
 three distinguished generals entered, saying they had 
 come to pay their respects to a fellow in arms, whom it 
 was the pleasure of the city to honor. Each approached 
 
SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS. 307 
 
 Mm with great gravity of manner, and, after shaking him 
 warmly bj' the hand, presented bim with sundry congratu- 
 lations in what are called neat and appropriate speeches. 
 To which the major replied, thanking heaven that with 
 clean hands and various gifts of the head, he had served 
 his country like a man ; and, as his mission was not yet 
 filled, he hoped (if the devil interposed no obstacles) yet 
 to render his country a service such as historians would 
 write of. He now bade them be seated, and ordered an 
 abundance of good wine, of Mliich they partook without 
 objection, and were soon as uit-iry a set of fellows as ever 
 bivouacked ; for in truth they readily discovered the mental 
 deficiencies of the major, and, to make up for the deception 
 of which they were made victims by the newspapers, resolv- 
 ed to enjoy the diversion afforded them by thequaintness of 
 the major, who, though he bad never put foot in Mexico, at 
 once inquired of them the brigade they belonged to, and 
 what service they had seen in that country. The spokes- 
 man of the party, whose bearing bespoke him a man 
 acquainted with arms, and who was as great a wag as 
 Tim Bobbin, immediately answered by saying that they 
 were in the hottest of the battles of Palo Alto, Eesaca 
 de la Palma, Metamoras, and Buena Vista. And not to 
 say too much of their bravery, he might mention that 
 they were within smell of the gunpowder that stormed 
 the heights of Cerro Gordo. Indeed, they were in so 
 many battles, and bore away so many scars, that it was 
 impossible to remember them all. 
 
 " Faith, gentlemen, that is exactly the case with me," 
 interrupted the major, " for I was in so many, that if I 
 had the memory of a Sampson I could not keep them all 
 at my tongue's end, though I remember well enough what 
 a buffeting we got at the storming of San Juan de Ulloa. 
 As to the brigade I was in, that's neither here nor there ; 
 
308 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 and whether it was the first or second will not be set 
 down against a man when he is dead. But if you will 
 have proof that I also was in the hottest of it, pray let 
 your eyes not deceive you." Here the major gave his 
 head a significant toss, and waddled across the floor to 
 his wardrobe, from which he exultingly drew forth his 
 military coat and three cornered hat. The former was 
 indeed an ancient fabric, with which divers and sundry 
 moths had made sad havoc, though he held it before the 
 light and swore, by not less than three saints, the holes 
 were all made by bullets. If either had doubted this evi- 
 dence of his valor, he was ready to strip to the buff, and 
 satisfy their eyes with the veritable scars. But they all 
 declared themselves satisfied that he had given sufficient 
 proof of his valor. Indeed, the odor that began to escape 
 as he doifed his coat, in earnest of his sincerity, was by 
 no means pleasant, and consequently hastened a favor- 
 able decision. 
 
 The major was more than ever elated that the afiair 
 should have taken such a pleasant turn, and bid them fill 
 their glasses, which they were glad enough to do, with re- 
 newals at such short intervals that the major, who was not 
 to be outdone in number of glasses, providing his patriotism 
 was pledged in them, found himself in a state of mental 
 configuration, for he saw ghosts and dead warriors by the 
 dozen, all of which he would have sworn, in a court of 
 law, were real flesh and blood. In fine, he capered about 
 the room like a madman, feeling at his side for his sword, 
 and swearing, by his military reputation, that he would 
 think no more of killing them than he would so many 
 Washington lobby agents. 
 
 Among these generals, there was a short, fat man, of the 
 name of Benthornham, who, with the exception that he 
 was less pumpkin bellied than the major, one might 
 
SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS. 309 
 
 liave supposed cast in the same mould, for he was 
 squint eyed, and had a red nose, in size and shape very- 
 like a birch tree knot. Nor was he a whit behind the 
 major in tipping his glass ; and though there was a review 
 on the following day, to which they had invited the major, 
 out of sheer respect to his fame, there was sufficient cause 
 to apprehend that this General Bentliornham, (offieer of 
 the day though he was,) would not be sober enough to 
 appear. However, as they all boarded at the St. Nicho- 
 las, one of the party suggested, that in order to pay be- 
 coming honor to so distinguished a major, they invite him 
 to General Benthornham's room. And as the major never 
 refused an invitation, especially when it came from per- 
 sons distinguished in the profession in which he claimed 
 to have won no small honors, he at once joined them, and 
 proceeded to the room aforesaid, where brandy and cham- 
 pagne, in great abundance, were provided, and to which 
 the major topk with such renewed avidity, that they began 
 to think his bowels vulcanized. 
 
 After they had plied him sufficiently with liquor, they 
 insisted that he relate some of the wonderful exploits he 
 had performed in war and politics, which he did, and with 
 such an appearance of truth, that the two who had not so 
 far drenched their senses with liquor as to be incapable of 
 judging, whispered to themselves that he was not so 
 much of a fool after all ; in fact, that there was so much 
 truth in what he said, that no man could doubt his being 
 a real and not a sham hero of the Mexican War. " It 
 does not become me to speak of myself, gentlemen," said 
 the major, in conclusion, " but if there was a war in 
 Mexico I was not in, it was not worth calling a war ; and 
 as for politics, why I have made twenty-eight speeches in 
 a month, and you may learn of their quality by inquiring 
 
310 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 of the people of Barnstable, who used to praise them 
 enough, God knows." 
 
 It being past midnight, the two sober generals withdrew, 
 undecided as to the major's mental qualities, and left him 
 with General Benthornham, whom he found no difficulty in 
 soon talking into a profound sleep. And this the major, who 
 was nCt so far gone as to forget what belonged to good man- 
 ners, regarded as an indignity no really great military man 
 could suffer to pass unresented. He thereupon mounted 
 his three cornered hat and stalked out of the room, in the 
 hope of finding his own and going quietly to bed. But 
 such was the labyrinth of passages, that he lest his way, 
 and mistook for his own the bedroom of a fellow boarder, 
 which was natural enough considering the state of his 
 optics. And though it was an hour when every honest 
 husband should be dividing his bed with his better half, 
 and all suspicions set at rest with the lock on the door fast 
 secured, the major found no difficulty in entering this room, 
 which he did with as little ceremony as he would drive 
 his tin wagon. But no sooner had he begun to doff his 
 wardrobe, than a figure quite resembling a ghost, with a 
 pale, round face, and two eyes of great luster, framed in 
 the crimped border of a very vv^hite nightcap, rose up in 
 the bed, and with an air of bewilderment, said, " Charles, 
 my dear, here it is almost morning, and you are but just 
 home. 0, Charles 1 " 
 
 " Please, my good woman," spoke the major, pausing, 
 and looking surprised at the strange object he fancied in 
 his bed, "you might find better business than this. You 
 must know, I am a man of family, and have a wife, which 
 is enough for any honest man. So if yon will just take 
 yourself away, like an honest woman, as I would have 
 every one of your sex, I will say no more, for I have 
 
SEVERAL STEANGE INCIDENTS. 311 
 
 heard of these tricks, and am not ready to he rohbed of my 
 character." 
 
 The figure now gave sundry screams, which echoed and 
 reechoed along the passages, and brought not only the 
 watchmen of the house, but a dozen or more hoarders, all 
 in their night dresses, and nearly frightened out of their 
 wits, to the scene of distress. Several courageous ladies, 
 with threatening gestures, ventured to say he ought to be 
 well hanged, (the good for nothing fellow !) for attempting 
 such liberties at that hour. Others said military men were 
 all alike. 
 
 " Hi ! hi ! what's here to do 1 " exclaimed the head 
 watchman, a burly fellow of forty, as he made his way 
 through a barricade of night gowns. " Come, sir, yo« 
 must take yourself away from here. You have insulted 
 the lady; have intruded yourself where you have no right; 
 and if you get not away before her husband comes, he will 
 cut you to bits." (" He is a Georgian, and would rather 
 have his wife dead than another man make free with her," 
 whispered a bystander, as the watchman admonished the 
 major by taking him by the arm.) 
 
 The major, however, stood with his nether garments in 
 his hands, like one bewildered, muttering, as his eyes 
 blinked in the bright gas light, which one of the 
 courageous females had ignited : " I would have you 
 know, ladies, that I am known for my gallantry, and am 
 a man who would share his meal any day with a lone 
 female. And if you will give me peace by taking this lady 
 away, I will forgive her, and beseech heaven to do the 
 same. I may tell you that I am Major Roger Sherman 
 Potter, commonly called Major Roger Potter; but I say 
 this not of myself, for I take it you know me well enough." 
 
 The distressed female now stood erect in her night 
 robes, screeching at the top of her voice, for she believed 
 
312 ADVENTURES OF MAJOU I'OTTEE. 
 
 a madman had entered her room, and went straight into a 
 fit of hysterics, while the watchman and numerous of the 
 female hystanders gathered around the major, and would 
 have torn him to pieces, but for a clergyman, who sud- 
 denly made his appearance, in his shirt and spectacles, 
 and commenced reading them a lesson on the qualities of 
 mercy. 
 
 But while the parson and one of the bystanders were 
 offering all sorts of apologies for the major, which were 
 having their effect on the females, who, on discovering the 
 nature of the accident, enjoyed the joke exceedingly, the 
 husband of the lady, being informed of what had oc- 
 curred by one of the waiters, who knew the truant's 
 haunts at any hour, came rushing into the room, and 
 without waiting for an explanation, set upon the major with 
 the fury of a goaded tiger, and when he had belabored 
 him with a cudgel until they all declared there was not life 
 enough in him to last till day light, drew a knife, and had 
 despatched him on the spot, but for General Benthornham, 
 who, being called upon to quell the outbreak, had armed 
 himself with his sword, and came toddling into the room 
 in his shirt and night cap, his soppy face and red nose 
 made scarlet with excitement, and presenting so sorry a 
 figure that the courageous females scampered away to 
 their rooms, and covered their blushes with the sheets. 
 
 " Heavens ! " exclaimed the general, resting the point 
 of his sword on the floor, " what's here to do ? " In 
 another moment he advanced between the contestants, and 
 with his sword struck the knife from the uplifted hand of 
 the Georgian, and commanded him to spare the life at his 
 mercy. " Pray, sir,'' said he, " don't forget to be merciful, 
 for he is a military gentleman of distinction, and I am 
 sure it was an accident you will readily forgive when it is 
 explained." The Geor^an replied, that it had become a 
 
SEVERAL STRANGE INCIDENTS. 313 
 
 fashion with military men to carry their gallantry a little 
 too far with females, and rather than regret the trouncing 
 he had given the major, he hoped the example would 
 have its effect. 
 
 The landlord now made his appearance, and seeing the 
 city's guest in such a plight, inquired into the cause, but 
 could get no satisfactory account of it ; and being scrupu- 
 lotis of the reputation of his house, he enjoined them to 
 keep the affair as quiet as possible, lest it get to the ear of 
 the editors, who would take great pride in using it to his 
 damage. He then closed the door and endeavored to raise 
 the major to his feet, but he was so like a dead man, and 
 had lost so much good red blood, that the landlord became 
 seriously alarmed, and had a doctor, who boarded in 
 his house, at once called in. The doctor, when he had 
 felt his pulse and ribs for some time, said the case was 
 a little doubtful, but he had skill enough to mend it. In- 
 deed, to tell the truth, it only required a plaster or two, 
 and a purgative, to restore him to perfect health. When 
 the major had gained the use of his tongue, however, he 
 declared he had at least seven broken ribs, and he Itnew 
 not how many cracks in his skull, for it felt like a fractured 
 cocoanut. 
 
 And while the doctor was administering his balms to 
 the patient, the Georgian was endeavoring to pacify his 
 wife, who, with the aid of hartshorn and sundry other 
 restoratives, was in a fair way of recovery. General 
 Benthornham, in the meantime, continued to pace the 
 room, so much absorbed in his endeavor to preserve the 
 peace of the house, as to be unconscious of the figure he 
 was cutting. 
 
 " And now, gentlemen," said the general, in a foggy 
 voice, " as the lady has received no damage, either to her 
 reputation or person, and you are both gentlemen, I think 
 14 
 
314 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the little affair can be reconciled, if the major will but 
 explain the mistake with as much delicacy as he is 
 capable of." 
 
 " Indeed," replied the major, " I am sure the gentleman 
 will be satisfied that I meant no wrong to his lady, who I 
 thought had got into my room instead of my getting into 
 her's, by mistake as it turns out, when I tell him how it 
 happened. The people where I was raised know me for 
 a peaceable man; and now that I have become a politician, 
 it behooves me to take care of what little character I have, 
 which is not the case with all of them. And God knows 
 I treated the lady with courtesy ; for, rather than prove 
 unfaithful to my wife Polly, I bid her take herself away." 
 The major said this in such a tone of humility, that 
 although it left the matter more confounded in the Geor- 
 gian's mind, it so affected his feelings that he began to 
 regret having dealt so severely with him, and earnestly 
 desired to know the origin of the affair, which the major 
 at once related with great simplicity of manner, and finally, 
 laid all the blame to the strength of the liquor he bad 
 indulged in during the evening. General Benthornham 
 had, in the meantime, taken a seat where the bright glare 
 of the gas shone full upon his face, and as the major pro- 
 ceeded with his narrative, would every now and then 
 interpose an approving, " See that now I " 
 
 When the major had finished his story, the lady was 
 affected to tears, and besought her husband to make the 
 gentleman such amends as the case demanded. But, 
 indeed, that was unnecessary, for the Georgian had become 
 so affected that he would have gone upon his knees and 
 offered the major any apology he might in reason demand. 
 But the lady sprang to her feet, and saying she would 
 dress the injured man's wounds with her own hands, pro- 
 ceeded to her beaureau, and with her cologne bottle and 
 
SEVEBAL STRANGE INCIDENTS. 315 
 
 sponge set about bathing his temples, and performing such 
 other little kindnesses as pleased the major wonderfully, 
 and made him declare he believed it the fate of every truly 
 great public man to suffer in this way. In truth, he was 
 not so sure that we appreciated it to the extent of its 
 value, for it disciplined a man and prepared his mind for 
 meeting the great things that were required of it in this 
 world. " I have no fears of my reputation, madam," he 
 concluded, " but being the guest of the city, I fear if my 
 enemies see the bruised condition of my head, they will 
 say I have had a difficulty with an alderman." While 
 they were each trying to emulate the other in consoling 
 the major in his distress, the lady, who had just then dis- 
 covered the singular plight General Benthornham was in, 
 caught sight of his bare extremities, which so affected her 
 that she shrieked, and swooned in the arms of her husband. 
 
CHArTER XXXV. 
 
 WHICH RELATES THE VERY UNMILITARY PREDICAMENT THE 
 MAJOR WAS POUND IN ON THE FOLLOWING MORNING, 
 WHEN HIS PRESENCE WAS EXPECTED AT THE REVIEW. 
 
 General Benthornham was every inch a gentleman, 
 and though he had what the vulgar call a very ugly conk 
 nose, the ladies held him in high favor, and doubtless had 
 never seen him except in full uniform, when he appeared 
 to excellent advantage, for the point of his hat aided to 
 detract from the immensity of his nose. As soon, there- 
 fore, as he saw the lady faint, and was made conscious of 
 the cause, he took to his heels, and scampered out of sight 
 with the nimbleness of a boy of fifteen, muttering apolo- 
 gies as he went, and saying to himself, " Isn't this a pretty 
 pickle for a military man of my age to be in 1 " The 
 Georgian was nevertheless inclined to treat this second 
 fainting effort of his wife with no great degree of sym- 
 pathy, and without further ceremonytold her, while almost 
 suffocating her with hartshorn, not to make such a fool 
 of herself, for it was the devil who put bad thoughts into 
 the heads of virtuous women. As to the general, he was 
 an old man, and had nothing about him a female of good 
 morals need fear. This suddenly brought her to her 
 senses, when she indulged in a few of those epithets fe- 
 males, however delicate, will use when resolved to show 
 their lords the length they may go in asserting a priority 
 of rights. In truth she threatened to pluck out all her 
 [316] 
 
A PREDICAMENT. 317 
 
 hair, which would have heen a performance much to be 
 regretted, seeing that it floated over her shoulders like 
 tresses of silk, and was so luxuriant that a Delhian maid 
 might have envied it. She also cursed the hour she took 
 him for her husband, saying his night revels would be the 
 death of her, and continuing in a strain of execrations and 
 wailings, (wishing herself back with her mother an hun- 
 dred times, and declaring her's the most wretched of lives,) 
 until he swore she gave him no peace of his life. 
 
 The Georgian raised not his voice in anger again ; but 
 took the major affectionately by the arm, and, moved by 
 compassion, assisted him to General Benthornham's room, 
 where he strove to comfort him as best he could ; and as 
 the night was excessively hot, they quenched their thirst 
 with a little brandy and water, over which they again 
 condoled one another for their misfortunes, and became 
 the very best of friends. The general then begged the 
 Georgian to say to his lady that he intended no affront 
 and that his appearing before her in his shirt was entirely 
 owing to his presence of mind having forsaken him. Bid- 
 ding them good night, the Georgian promised to convey 
 this apology to his lady, and took his departure, as the 
 two military heroes went quietly to bed. 
 
 General Benthornham's was a double bedded room, and 
 when morning came, and the numerous pet birds in the 
 house were tuning their notes, and stray members of the 
 seventh regiment, in their dashing uniforms, might be seen 
 passing down Broadway to their armory, anxious lest 
 some rival corps rob them of their laurels, and as proud 
 of their feathers as the whistling canaries, the general and 
 his guest still slept, but in such a position, and with such 
 loud snoring, that had a stranger entered the room he 
 would have sworn they had gone to bed prepared for bat- 
 tle, expecting at day light, (the time most fashionable for 
 
318 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 duel fighting,) to open fire and seriously damage each 
 other's most dependable parts. Verily, reader, do not 
 make me the object of your invective, when I say that 
 it is extremely doubtful if the public at large, to which 
 I am ready at all times to pay homage, ever saw a gene- 
 ral officer in his native buff. And this I hold to be the rea- 
 son why it is so prone to overrate the mightiness of some 
 of those warriors who dash up Broadway on parade days, 
 decked out in such a profuseness of feathers. Indeed it 
 has come to my knowledge that the greatest of generals, 
 when presented with that natural uniform in which their 
 worthy mothers gave them to the world, are in no one par- 
 ticular unlike other men, and in truth that it is the splen- 
 did uniform that invests them with an appearance of great 
 possessions and power, before which even great poets and 
 scholars are ready to cast their offerings. Taking this 
 view of the case, then, I pray you to give ear while I 
 relate how the general and the major were seen in a posi- 
 tion which I venture to assert few truly great military 
 men were ever seen in, either during war or peace. 
 
 The beds in General Benthornham's room stood parallel 
 with «ach other, a narrow passage extending between. 
 And, as I have before stated that the weather was ex- 
 cessively warm, when the aid de camp, a profusely 
 feathered foreign gentleman, entered fo? the orders of 
 his chief, he found both heroes naked to the buff, with 
 the broad disc of their most dependable parts forming con- 
 fronting batteries, and their bodies making the letter C, 
 very like snails after a shower of rain. On the opposite 
 sides were little tables, upon which stood, within reach, 
 bottles of congress water, decanters in which the liquor 
 had well nigh got to the bottom, and tumblers containing 
 the dregs of two very suggestive drinks called cocktails, 
 all provided at an early hour by a shrewd and very con- 
 
A PKEDICAMENT. 319 
 
 siderate waiter. The aid was not a little abashed when 
 he discovered the condition his chief was in, and declared, 
 in very good French, not a word of which Benthornham 
 could have understood had he been awake, that although 
 he had been aid to Garibaldi when he held possession of 
 !Rome, and had served in numerous battles where he had 
 to run for his life, he never had seen general oflScers cut 
 such figures, which he would not have the brigade see for 
 the world. Indeed, he thought within himself that the 
 sight was enough to have shocked either the seventh oi 
 seventy-first regiments, both of which corps were com- 
 posed of young men of modesty and great respectability 
 The aid touched his hat out of sheer respect to his sleep 
 ing superior, and indeed saluted him according to the 
 regulations of the service. But as neither the general 
 nor the major paid the slightest heed to these courtesies 
 and the aid was a man much given to paying all deference 
 to his superiors, he, without disturbing the general in the 
 least, drew up the sheet and laid it gently over him, as a 
 means of protecting his dignity from further damage. 
 He also performed a similar service for the major, who 
 was snoring at a pace that can be better imagined than 
 described. 
 
 When the aid had performed the little services above 
 described, he paced the room for several minutes, unde- 
 cided as to the next course he should pursue. He had 
 fully expected to find his superior officer in a different 
 uniform, and ready to issue his orders as became a man 
 of so much circumstance. As to the city's guest, he ex- 
 pected to ^nd him at least a respectable gentleman, and 
 one who would take some care of his person. He at 
 length thought it advisable to give the general a few 
 gentle shakes, in the hope of restoring him to conscious- 
 ness ; but, so sound was his sleep, that it became neces- 
 
320 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 sary to use violence before even a perceptible motion was 
 produced. After considerable effort, however, he turned 
 upon his face with a loud guffaw, and then upon his back. 
 In fine, he put himself in various strange attitudes, 
 puffed like a porpoise in an head sea, and began swearing 
 as never general swore before, that the wretch who dis- 
 turbed him of his slumbers should suffer for it at court 
 martial. 
 
 As the time for forming the brigade was near at hand, 
 the aid very naturally became more and more anxious. 
 " Pardon me this liberty, your honor," said he, addressing 
 his superior, who was rubbing a pair of swollen and very 
 red eyes, " but the regiments are waiting oilders, and as 
 the hour is late, the officers will be in much suspense until 
 they are issued." 
 
 " Order them," replied the general, " to get to their 
 families, keep respectable for the rest of the day, and 
 then let them defy the devil with their good behavior, for- 
 it is not yet light, and in all my military experience (and 
 I have had more than most men) I never heard of a gen- 
 eral being called up at midnight to review troops. Get 
 ye away to them, sir, and if they be not content with 
 this order, tell them the fault's none of mine ; for if the 
 devU come, you must not disturb my sleep." 
 
 " It is my duty to carry your order, general," rejoined 
 the colonel, again touching his hat, " but I am sure it will 
 not be obeyed, for I have heard it said that the seventh 
 regiment have a commendable fear of the devil, and 
 would rather have nothing to do with him.'' The dis- 
 tinguished French gentleman was so puzziled at the con- 
 duct of his superior officer, that he stood shrugging his 
 shoulders, lifting his mustache, and contorting his face 
 into every imaginable expression. At length he swore 
 by Saint Peter, and one or two more of the apostles, that 
 
A PREDICAMENT. 321 
 
 if the general got not up in a trice, and issued his order 
 how to form the brigade, he would withdraw, report his 
 condition, and throw up his sword. 
 
 " Stop, sir," said the general, " let not a disrespectful 
 word pass your lips, or I order you under arrest, and sent 
 to the devil.which is a good enough punishment for French- 
 men." The colonel was about to withdraw ; but the gen- 
 eral again peremptorily ordered him to stop, and, after 
 some effort, succeeded in getting his legs over the side of 
 the bed, and his body in an upright position ; and, when he 
 had gazed about the room confusedly, and fumbled about 
 for his drawers, he said to the oflScer, " And now, sir, I 
 change my mind, do you do this : first order me a waiter ! 
 and when you have done it, see that he be not a simple- 
 ton, but a good, honest fellow, who will assist me to put 
 on my uniform without keeping his hand to my nose, ex- 
 pecting it to drop shillings. Then get this sleeping gen- 
 tleman you see here awake, for he is a person of much 
 consequence, and, being the guest of the city, (which I 
 say, seeing how much wind the fathers have wasted over 
 him,) and a major who has seen service in Mexico, it will 
 be of much importance that he go with us Then, sink- 
 ing the rules of the service for a few minutes, you must 
 join us in a morning glass, which will do you no injury, 
 for I see you are every inch a soldier. Then, go straight- 
 way to the general of brigade, tell him to let the bands 
 play till they have cracked their cheeks, and earned their 
 money, which they will not do unless you tell them. And 
 as I have not seen much of this general of brigade's skill, 
 and have heard it said that his brains are in his boots, tell 
 him that the general in command orders him to form the 
 brigade, which, if he have sense enough, he can do while 
 I am putting on my breeches." Here the general's lower 
 lip dropped, he cast a confused look first on the floor then 
 14* 
 
322 ADVENTURES OP MAJOK POTTEE. 
 
 at the feathered Frenchman, and then began tugging 
 away at his drawers, until his nightcap fell to the floor, 
 followed by his wig and numerous imprecations, for he 
 was vain of his looks, and thought himself a man whom 
 any lady of taste might take for husband with credit to 
 herself " Then," he resumed, " say I order him to march 
 the brigade up Broadway, in platoon, to Union Sq[uare j 
 and let the bands ring out music that shall rend the very 
 air, send the rich of the city to wondering, and crowd the 
 streets with ragged vagabonds. And as I am a soldier, 
 I take it when this is done no man dare say the brigade 
 is not made up of heroes, every man of them ; if he do, 
 let him be bayoneted ! Call a halt, when you reach the 
 square, and there stand till I come, which will be when I 
 have my horse." After listening with great attention to 
 the general's commands, the aid again saluted, notwith- 
 standing his chief was in his shirt, and then set about 
 waking up the major, which he succeeded in doing after 
 very many violent shakes, and at length seizing him by 
 the shoulders and raising him bodily to his haunches, on 
 which he sat endeavoring to disenchant his eyes, like the 
 moody josch of a mandarin. The major then set to shout- 
 ing at the top of his voice, exclaiming sundry q^ueer com- 
 mands, and making such strange flourishes with his hands as 
 at first caused the Frenchman to take him for a madman. 
 It turned out, however, that he fancied himself mounted 
 upon old Battle, reviewing the Barnstable Invincibles, 
 whom he was berating right soundly for a set of stupid 
 knaves. An invitation from the general to join him and 
 the aid in drinking a morning sweeper, suddenly brought 
 him to his understanding, and, after offering numerous 
 apologies for the distressed state of his person, said be 
 was not aware that the earliness of the hour prevented 
 military men and politicians from drinking one another's 
 
A PREDICAMENT. 823 
 
 health, provided they were of equal rank : he therefore 
 begged the feathered Frenchman to join him in drinking 
 the health of General Benthornham, a gentleman and a 
 soldier ; in fact, a man of whom the country was proud, 
 for he had seen wars enough to satisfy the ambition of 
 any gentleman with a military turn of mind. The gen- 
 eral condescended a bow in return for so flattering a 
 compliment, and saying the best men were known by 
 their deeds, placed the glass to his lips and quaffed the 
 mixture with a wry face. 
 
 The aid now took his departure, with orders to his 
 general of brigade ; and a servant having appeared, the 
 two distressed officers, still suffering from the effect of the 
 revel, ordered a light breakfast of coffee, toast, and eggs, 
 which, when they had quaffed the congress water, they 
 devoured like true heroes, the superior officer being not a 
 little surprised at the facility with which Major Roger 
 -Potter used his fingers, and discoursed of his wife, Polly's, 
 skill in preparing good breakfasts. They then ordered 
 their horses, the major giving particular directions how to 
 saddle old Battle, to the end that he might carry a stand- 
 ing tail, which was rare with him. He also directed that 
 his own holsters be mounted, for, though they were 
 shabby in appearance, no soldier could fail to see that 
 they had seen a deal of service, and would admire them 
 the more for it. 
 
 And now, gentle reader, lest you he deceived in either 
 of my military heroes, I will just mention, that the major 
 retired to his own room, and, having habited himself in 
 his well worn uniform, joined General Benthornham, who 
 had also got himself into his uniform, and taken up a 
 position at the table, armed, not with his sword, but a 
 corpulent decanter, from which he was filling his glass. 
 The major never refused an invitation to join in a service 
 
824 ADVENTURES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 held so laudable by tbe profession, and filled his glass 
 also. And so strong was the beverage, that not many- 
 minutes had elapsed when they found it extremely diffi- 
 cult to take a forward move without oscillating from the 
 line. As, however, the brigade was made j.ip of gentle- 
 men, and not fighting soldiers, the general suddenly re- 
 membered that it would not do to keep them waiting ; 
 and, taking the major by the arm, they toddled (as if the 
 floor were unsafe for such good men to tread upon) down 
 stairs, into the front hall, to the no small delight of the 
 numerous bystanders, who gave them all the room re- 
 q^uired by their high positions. 
 
 And now, when the grooms brought the horses to the 
 door, they were astonished that so famous a major should 
 ride an animal so shattered in his appearance, and also 
 travel with a pig who could match the devil in cutting up 
 antics. They therefore stood viewing him with intense 
 anxiety ; and, as old Battle had the spring halt in his' 
 near hind leg, they were sure the major, when mounted, 
 must cut a figure rarely presented in Broadway. And 
 among the grooms there was one Bob Totten, a man born 
 and reared in Barnstable, and who had, many years ago, 
 been a fellow cordwainer in the same shop with the major. 
 '■'Faith," said he, in a voice loud enough to be heard by 
 several of the bystanders, " it's old Eoger Potter, or 
 my eyes deceive me, and he used to foUpw the trade of 
 tin peddling." 
 
 A group of ragged and vicious boys, attracted by the 
 strange figure cut by the major in his uniform, commenced 
 dividing their jibes between him and his horse, evincing 
 not the slightest respect for either. The question which 
 should mount first was now mooted. The major insisted 
 that he would see his superior officer first in the saddle ; 
 while the general argued, with equal plausibility, that 
 
A PEEDICAMENT. 825 
 
 courtesy demanded that the major should mount first, he 
 heing the gaest of the city. They debated the point for 
 some time ; and at last compromised the matter by agree- 
 ing to mount together. This difficulty being settled, 
 another of equal importance arose. 
 
 '' You have brought me another man's horse," said the 
 general, in an angry tone ; " and if I am known for my 
 horsemanship, I value myself too much to be kicked off 
 by a colt.'' 
 
 "Faith, sir," replied the groom, "the horse is your 
 own, and no other man's ; and a horse of steady enough 
 habits he is, too." 
 
 The general, however, continued to pronounce him a 
 strange horse, and refused to be convinced until he had 
 applied his spectacles. 
 
 And now, matters being arranged to their satisfaction, 
 they mounted amidst the shouts and screams of the boys ; 
 which was not to be wondered at, for I venture to assert 
 that young New York had never before seen a major so 
 strangely mounted. The noise and confusion, however, 
 was something old Battle was not accustomed to, for, 
 though he was an horse of uncommon good behavior, 
 he now pricked up his head and tail, and gave out such 
 proofs of the youth that yet remained in his bones, that 
 it was with difficulty his rider could manage him. The 
 general, meanwhile, coursed up Broadway with the light- 
 ness of a well mounted dragoon, turning in his saddle 
 now and then to ascertain what had become of the major, 
 who, by dint of hard labor, had got old Battle into a 
 three-jog trot, and his head in the right direction. The 
 mischievous urchins, however, continued to harass his 
 rear, and so belabored his gambrels with whatever came 
 to hand, that he increased his pace wonderfully, and at 
 the same time made it so difficult for the major to keep 
 
326 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 his saddle that he completely lost his temper, and swore 
 he would ride over the whole of them. But they ceased 
 not to tease him ; in truth, an urchin more mischievous 
 than the rest, lighted a bunch of fire crackers he had tied 
 to the end of a rod, and, with wicked intent, applied them 
 to old Battle's tail, so frightening him with the explosions 
 that he took to his heels and dashed up Broadway like a 
 colt of three years, spreading consternation among the 
 promenaders, and causing numerous timid people to seek 
 shelter in doors. In truth, I very much doubt whether 
 John Gilpin ever frightened so many people, or caused 
 so many to look with astonishment. Onward he dashed, 
 passing omnibuses and other vehicles without number, 
 (all of which made way for him,) until he reached the 
 New York Hotel, where he came up with the general, 
 whose horse took it into his head not to be outdone by so 
 shabby a charger, and, giving one or two springs, dashed 
 up Broadway with the fleetness of an Arabian filly. 
 
 Scarce had the general's horse taken this strange freak 
 into his head, when old Battle stumbled, fell full length 
 upon the pavement, and launched the major head foremost 
 to the ground some yards in advance. " I give my soul 
 to my Maker, for now my end has come," said he, " and 
 I forgive all my enemies." A groan followed this excla- 
 mation, his limbs seemed seized with spasms, and then for 
 several minutes he remained speechless. With the assist- 
 ance of two policemen and several sympathizing gentle- 
 men, he was carried into the New York Hotel, where the 
 landlord kindly provided for him, and made him as com- 
 fortable as it was possible until he called in a physician, 
 one Miliano, who had great skill in mending battered 
 skulls, and restoring life to half dead persons. As for 
 the general's horse, he dashed on until he reached Union 
 Square, where he made a bolt into the thickest of the 
 
A PEEDICAMENT. 327 
 
 brigade, which he scattered in such confusion and dismay 
 that they looked neither to the right nor the left, but, 
 depending upon their heels to save their valuable lives, 
 ran into the nearest open doors, leaving their muskets to 
 whomsoever saw fit to carry them off. And when the 
 horse had reached the Everett House, he, in evident 
 malice, threw the general over his head upon the pave- 
 ment, when several persons rushed out and picked him 
 up for dead ; but, instead of being dead, he proved to be 
 the soberest of men, and when he was upon his feet 
 ordered the bravest man to go in pursuit of his horse, 
 who was proceeding up Fourth Avenue, a terror to all 
 pedestrians. 
 
CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 WHICH EELATBS HOW THE MAJOR WAS KESTOEED TO 
 CONSCIOUSNESS ; AND OP THE STORY OF AN ECCEN- 
 TRIC CRITIC. 
 
 Let me avail myself of your good nature, reader, for 
 I am a man who would not artfully conceal truth to the 
 injury of a friend ; but I am, at the same time, conscious 
 of the. heavy penalty incurred in speaking the honest, 
 unemhroidered truth of some of our well tailored heroes, 
 who open and shut Jike sunflowers under a vertical sun, 
 and present an excellent object to attract the admiration 
 of your fine ladies in Broadway. Heaven knows I appre- 
 ciate the true hero, and am ready to favor an honest pur- 
 pose with a joyful heart ; but your political general of 
 militia is a model of coxcombry, a creature ready to faint 
 when you want service of him, and the best imposture 
 known at this day. I, however, hold it not well to turn 
 the wheel too far against men who are harmlessly in- 
 clined, and in whose marching and countermarching up 
 Broadway (with the pomp and circumstance of men about 
 to face blood and flames) the juvenile and other light- 
 hearted portions of the community find an excellent fund 
 of amusement. Indeed, I remember that others may love 
 what I have no taste to appreciate ; and that when for- 
 tune turns against me, which is the case at this moment, 
 I had better keep my thumbs out of my neighbor's finger 
 glass. Nor would I knowingly wound with my remarks 
 on General Benthornham's merits as an officer, the ppde 
 [328] 
 
CONCERNING A CEITIC. 329 
 
 of one of his many admirers. Suffice it to say, then, (as 
 the learned Doctor Easley would say,) that although his 
 coat had received a rent or two in the back, no sooner 
 was his truant horse brought back to him than he mounted 
 with the daring of a book publisher, and, after evincing 
 no small desire to ride over the brigade a dozen times, 
 and putting it through a series of intricate evolutions, 
 which the various regiments forming it performed with 
 great credit to themselves, he ordered them dismissed 
 and sent home, there to look well to their good behavior 
 during the rest of the day. And for this last and very 
 kind service, they thought him the bravest general his- 
 tory had any account of. In accordance, then, with this 
 parental admonition, they betook themselves home, well 
 fatigued, but as ready to fight as any good men ought to 
 be when satisfied that arms were necessary to the main- 
 tenance of law ; which, however much I may blush to 
 acknowledge it, was the case in Gotham, which was in 
 sad disorder — not from any bad spirit between its citizens, 
 but merely the curious antics of a very ambitious mayor. 
 Having made an amende I hope will prove ample, let us 
 turn to the patient at the New York Hotel. 
 
 Major Roger Potter, who I forgot to mention had been 
 dubbed a General on the preceding evening, lay in a state 
 of stupor, though with evident signs of- life, for some 
 hours. Being the guest of the city, no little anxiety was 
 evinced by the physician, who, after exercising great 
 skill in feeling for broken h-^nes and cracks in his skull, 
 declared that he could find neither bruises nor broken 
 bones ; but, if appearances were to be taken, he had re- 
 ceived such internal injury as must soon put an end to 
 his usefulness in this world, and send him to a better. He 
 therefore got out his lancet, and, after nearly draining his 
 veins of blood, was about to apply a monster plaster to 
 
330 ADVENTURES OP MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 his head, when the patient suddenly opened his eyes and 
 began to give out such extraordinary signs of life that 
 the doctor as suddenly changed his mind, and, laying 
 aside the plaster, at once declared he had the most san- 
 guine hopes of his recovery. Meanwhile a report got 
 over the city that Major Eoger Potter was thrown from 
 his horse, and lay a corpse at the New York Hotel. And 
 the newspapers added to this report by inserting the 
 mournful event as a fact. Indeed, the city fathers, who 
 evinced a strange passion for mournings, were well nigh 
 voting a respectable sum to pay proper respect to his 
 remains, for they held it no disgrace to vote sums for 
 melancholy purposes; which, however, they invariably 
 spend in night suppers, over which they give one another 
 bloody noses and black eyes — a distinguishing motto with 
 divers hard headed councilmen. But the major was re- 
 solved not to be sent to his long account in so mean a 
 style, and remained with his eyes wide open, and so 
 clearly in possession of his rational senses, that the by- 
 slanders, who were all gentlemen of quality, (there not 
 being an opera singer among them,) declared that his 
 power of endurance was without bounds. In truth, it was 
 proven that no amount of battering and bruising could 
 kill so famous a warrior. But, if he opened his eyes, he 
 spoke not a wosd until the physician was gone, when his 
 lips slowly resumed their power of motion, and he said, 
 in a voice scarcely intelligible, " Quantibus, moribus, 
 canibus, omnibus, ma dormibus." 
 
 "Pray, what does he say?" inquired the bystanders 
 of one another. 
 
 " Lambabus, Jehovabus, cananius," resumed the major, 
 following the e£Fort with a deep sigh. 
 
 "He speaks Latin," replied one of the bystanders; 
 " and as I have a little of that language at my fingers' 
 
CONCEKNING A CEITIC. 331 
 
 ends, I recognize that he says, ' Blessed is he who dies in 
 a noble mission.' Yes, there ! he repeats it again, and I 
 have it exactly." 
 
 The major continued muttering several incoherent 
 sentences, interlarding them with words of intelligible 
 English, which doubly confused his auditors, another of 
 whom declared that though he never had read a verse 
 of Latin in his life, he was sure it was not that, but some 
 strange tongue, in which the sufferer, being a profound 
 scholar, desired to make his " dying declaration." They 
 all finally came to this opinion, and agreed that a priest 
 and a parson be called, as they were not quite sure as to 
 his religion, and it was only necessary to have some one 
 who knew Latin by heart. A druggist was suggested by 
 another ; but an objection was interposed on the ground 
 that the Latin of druggists was not to be depended upon. 
 Again, it was said the priest and the parson would get to 
 quarreling over some nice point of doctrine, or as to the 
 exact style of sending him to heaven, which would make 
 it extremely unpleasant for the worldly minded lookers 
 on. " It is just come into my head," spoke a young man 
 of genteel appearance and sympathizing looks, "that 
 there lives in the neighborhood one Orlando Tickler, an 
 Irish gentleman of much ancestry. He is reputed to be 
 poor, hut a profound critic of books ; it is also said of him 
 that he can speak numerous tongues." Orlando Tickler 
 was a man of fashionable aspect, and had written various 
 learned essays, largely set with Latin sentences, on sub- 
 jects connected with high art, for which he affected a love 
 equaled only by his contempt for every American who 
 " dabbled in it." And, as he was always ready to give 
 proof of his wisdom, he came at the first invitation, and 
 with so grave and solemn a bearing that no man would 
 have dared to dispute his wisdom. 
 
332 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 "And now, sir," said be, in a brogue of peculiar ricb- 
 ness, addressing tbe prostrate bero, " since I see you are 
 dying, and about to leave tbis world, pray wbat would 
 you say in respect to yourself? " 
 
 The major (now General Eoger Potter) fixed his eyes 
 upon Mr. Tickler with such intenseness that be turned 
 pale, and repeated his question. Whereupon tbe pros- 
 trate patient again muttered, " Quantibus, moribus, cani- 
 bus, ma'doimtbus." 
 
 " Faith, and it's as good Latin as my man could speak, 
 which is saying no little for him as a gentleman," said Mr. 
 Tickler, with an air of much wisdom. 
 
 " Please, sir, tell us wbat he says, for we are all impa- 
 tient, lest the poor man go out of tbe world with a dying 
 request upon bis lips ; " interposed one of tbe bystanders. 
 
 " What's that be says, now ? " queried Mr. Tickler, in 
 reply. " Well, I have it ! — be says, (and I think his mind 
 is a little out because be says it,) that this world is all 
 naked vanity, and tbe quicker a man makes bis peace with 
 heaven, tbe stronger is tbe proof that he is aman of sense." 
 
 They all agreed that tbis was a very sensible remark 
 for a dying man, when the major, to their utter astonish- 
 ment, again opened his lips, and with move vigor than before, 
 muttered one of two sentences, which were all of Latin 
 be had ever known in bis life, " Apolla Majora canimus." 
 
 " See, now ! — wbat is this it is now 1 " interposed the 
 learned Tickler. " Faith it's hard enough keeping them 
 all in a body's bead. Indeed, an' it's come to me quick 
 enough though 1 He says he gave bis energies to bis 
 country, and hopes the devil may get his enemies if they 
 say it was otherwise with him.'' 
 
 Mr. Tickler now commenced a dissertation on the beau- 
 ties of the Latin language, the origin of which he traced 
 into the ancient Celtic, which, judging from its Nomic 
 
CONCERNING A CRITIC. 333 
 
 melody, he should say bore a trite and common resem- 
 blance to that now spoken in Wales, Ireland, and the High- 
 lands of Scotland ; and which, notwithstanding the author- 
 ities to the contrary, he firmly believed was introduced 
 first into his country by William the Conqueror. Indeed, 
 he insisted that he had twice debated this point with the 
 learned critic, Easley, (whom he styled the New York 
 executioner of literature,) and beat him with ease ; for 
 though Easley was a man of profound knowledge and 
 erudition, he was not a matcli for him at Latin. 
 
 " Omnes codem cogimv/r, omnium," repeated the major. 
 
 " Gentlemen," said the critic, " he has something of 
 great importance to communicate, and, if it please you, 
 desires to be alone for a few minutes." The bystanders 
 were now well convinced that Mr. Tickler was a man of 
 profound learning, and more than up to his reputation. 
 They, therefore, withdrew in silence ; and had no sooner 
 disappeared than the major rose to his haunches without 
 the slightest difficulty, and gave visible proof that his 
 tongue was restored to its original usefulness. 
 
 " Truly, I am under an obligation to you, sir," said he, 
 addressing himself to the critic ; " for you have rendered 
 me a service I much needed. I was only stunned, and 
 knew that a little sleep would restore me to my natural 
 understanding. But my tongue had lost its power, and I 
 could not sleep with so many about my bed. The non- 
 sense I muttered was for a disguise ; for I feared if I came 
 suddenly to my senses they would dry up their sympa- 
 thies, and not think so well of me. But pray, how comes 
 it, sir, that you made such good Latin of my gibberish ? 
 Tell me, kind sir, for I see you are a scholar, and it may 
 be that Latin is a natural gift with me ; and when you are 
 done I will order up a little brandy, which we will divide 
 between us ; for- 1 apprehend it will not embarrass you, 
 
334 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 since you are a man in whose eye I see wisdom enough 
 for several." 
 
 " To be honest with you, friend, I will not reject the 
 brandy, for I took a liking to it when I was a strolling 
 player, and believe it does me no harm in my new pro- 
 fession." He here, at the major's request, rang the bell 
 for a waiter. " As to what you said, to tell the truth be- 
 tween ourselves, not a word of it could I make out ; for 
 though I can speak many languages, my head is not 
 troubled with a word of Latin, which, I have no doubt, 
 you spoke with great correctness. I would have you 
 know, sir, that it will not do in these pinching times to 
 set up for a critic, unless you have Latin at your finger's 
 ends. And if you have it not, why it serves the same 
 purpose to say you have. With Latin you can enter the 
 Press Club, (which affords you an excellent opportunity 
 of escaping the bills of your tailor,) and if you practice 
 the deception with skill, you will be set down for a man 
 of wonderful capacity. But if you knew what a miserable 
 thing it is to be a critic, you would, I knew, say a man 
 had better follow the devil with a fife and drum than de- 
 pend on the tricks of booksellers for his bread, which is 
 come the fashion with critics at this day." 
 
 " Upon my soul, Mr. Tickler," replied the major, rising 
 to his feet, as sound a man as ever was seen, " I reverence 
 you for your good sense. The truth is, I hold it none the 
 worse of a man that he have not his mouth full of Latin 
 every minute in the day. And as my wife Polly knows, 
 I have languages enough at my tongue's end ; but hold 
 it better of a man that he try to get perfect in his own." 
 
 " Let us to the priests with the languages," rejoined 
 Mr. Tickler, knowingly ; " and let us get to the brandy 
 for here comes the servant." And the servant entered 
 with a bow. 
 
CHAPTER XXXVII. 
 
 IN WHICH WILL BE POUND SEVERAL THINGS COMMON TO 
 MILITARY POUTICIANS ; ALSO, A CURIOUS HISTORY OP 
 THE CRITICS, AS RELATED BY MR. TICKLER. 
 
 Having given his order to the servant, General Potter 
 turned to Mr. Tickler, and with great politeness said, " I 
 may say to you in confidence, seeing that I shall be all 
 right when I take a bottle or two of Townsend's Sarsa- 
 parilla, that my friends made me a General last night ; 
 and as experience teaches me that this title will do me 
 great service, pray make it convenient to address me ac- 
 cordingly." Mr. Tickler at once promised to scrupulously 
 regard this admonition, as well as to hold the general's 
 person in profound respect. 
 
 And now, as many inquiries were made after his health 
 by persons of distinction, he desired the host to send them 
 away, saying he was doing as well as could be expected 
 under the circumstances. And when the gentlemen who 
 retired at Mr. Tickler's request reentered the room, they 
 were surprised and astonished to find the man they had 
 supposed on the point of death restored to perfect health, 
 and weak only from the blood taken from him by the skill- 
 ful physician. He was, indeed, speaking as good English 
 as needs be, and earnestly debating a question of state 
 policy with Mr. Tickler over an excellent pnnch. On 
 making inquiries about his pains, he good naturedly assured 
 
 [335] 
 
336 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 tliem he was a much sounder man than before, except that 
 he had a slight itching in one of his toeS, which could be 
 readily removed with a bottle or two of Dr. Townsend's 
 Sarsaparilla. They were not a little diverted at the quaint- 
 ness of the remark, and went away satisfied that he was 
 at least the most remarkable man of the age, if not the 
 wisest. 
 
 Not a thought was given to old Battle during all this 
 time, which was the strangest thing of all, considering the 
 affection he bore him. Having drained his glass, the gen- 
 eral (which he must henceforth be called) gave Mr. Tickler 
 wonderful account of his mission, and the prospects that 
 were held out to him. " I see, sir," said he, addressing 
 Tickler, " that you are a man of uncommon ability ; and as 
 I stand in great need of just such a gentleman's services, 
 to write my speeches, and do an elegant correspondence, 
 you have but to say you will join me, and I promise you 
 such a share of the rewards as will make you a happy 
 man for the rest of your life. My speeches are not difficult, 
 but my correspondence is extensive and curious enough, 
 God knows." 
 
 " An office that will better my condition will not stand 
 long waiting my acceptance, as yon shall have reason to 
 know, sir, when you make me the offer. Mind ye, I have 
 followed the wretched life of a critic so long that I am 
 compelled to cheat my tailor, and depend on a friend to 
 invite me to dinner. As to my accomplishments, you will 
 find them out by inquiring at the Press Club, which is 
 composed of as nice gentlemen as any lady of taste could 
 wish ; and I swear, sir, they have so much learning that 
 they have killed several magazines of great respectability.'' 
 Mr. Tickler said this with an air of superlative dignity ; 
 and having a beard and mustache of exquisite growth, 
 he drew a delicate comb from his pocket, and commenced 
 
MK. TICKLER ON CRITICS. 337 
 
 curling them with gieat care. In truth, Mr. Orlando 
 Tickler was something of an exquisite, and as much a fix- 
 ture at the opera as the empty chair of a stockholder. 
 What was more, he leveled an opera glass worth sixty 
 dollars at the belles. 
 
 " Eeally, sir," replied the general with a smile, " you 
 talk like a gentleman of profound wisdom. I perhaps 
 ought to tell you, that a clever young gentleman, who did 
 me the service I desire of you, being ambitious, left me, 
 and set up for a lawyer. And it was in vain I promisd 
 him a seat in Congress in two years, if he would remain 
 %vith me. It is also said of him, that he has taken to writ- 
 ing my history, which an honest bookseller has engaged 
 to publish out of sheer respect to the severe and very 
 uncharitable things he had said of me and my wife, Polly 
 Potter." The general now begged Mr. Tickler to give 
 him a more detailed account of these critics, of whom he 
 he had spoken so strangely. 
 
 " Faith, sir, it gives me pleasure to impart knowledge 
 to others," rejoined Mr. Tickler ; " and as I have no great 
 love for any of them, I will, to be brief, tell you that you 
 may divide them under four heads : The wise critics, the 
 fashionable society critics, the correspondent critics, and 
 the critics at large. The wise critic is generally a dilapi- 
 dated parson, who, having vacated the pulpit for want of 
 morals, brings into literature the spirit of the viper, which 
 he manifests toward his brother craftsmen with peculiar 
 unction. He preserves a sort of clerical air, wears a white 
 neckcloth, spectacles, and a shabby coat ; and in addition 
 to foul linen, he has a great passion for sending poets and 
 novel writers to the devil. He affects to despise a literature 
 not well savored with religious sentiment, but will at times 
 condescend to lavish unmeasured praise upon a book of loose 
 morals. The wise critic generally has lodging with some 
 15 
 
338 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 pious lady in Fourth Street, breakfasts on rolls and coffee at 
 Peteler"s, dines three times a week with his female literary 
 friends, and for the rest takes rice and milk at Savery's, in 
 Beekman Street. Being literary editor of two or more daily 
 papers, publishers hold him in great respect, and employ 
 him at reading the novels of ambitious school girls, which 
 he will aid them in cramming down the spacious throat of 
 the public. It would not do to offer a wise critic pay for 
 his services ; but the accepting of presents he regards in 
 the light of exchanges of love between a friend served 
 and a friend admired. He has numerous affairs of cere- 
 mony with gifted widows, who write very excellent sen- 
 sation books in behalf of downtrodden humanity, and who 
 never fail to express their admiration of his great learning; 
 and this high consideration he repays with ponderous eu- 
 logies on their books. His carping he reserves for the 
 devil, and such aiithors as Prescott, Bryant, and Long- 
 follow. 
 
 " The fashionable critic belongs to the Press Club, from 
 which it may be inferred that he is an excellent judge of 
 Cologne and hair oil. I say this, sir, seeing how large a 
 a quantity of these excellent articles are used by the 
 nice persons who constitute that club. In dress, the fashion- 
 able critic is quite up to Fifth Avenue, and in manners he 
 is rather above it. He is in high favor with certain aged 
 dowagers of doubtful ancestry, who never think of giving 
 an evening party without one or two of the best cravatted. 
 He has a wonderful relish for light literature, and affects 
 to speak numerous tongues. In truth, if there be a tongue 
 he is not familiar with, he will tell you most patronizingly 
 that it is a tongue not known in fashionable society. He 
 writes articles for magazines, turns the brains of certain 
 ■ young damsels at boarding schools, and at the end of the 
 year fancies himself a Byron. Now and then he gathers 
 
MB. TICKLEE ON CKITICS. 839 
 
 his stray effusions together, and gives them to the for- 
 giving world in a book that sends a titillation of joy to the 
 hearts of his numerous admirers, and also sets every fash- 
 ionable critic to praising it as the most wonderful work of 
 the age ; for unlike the wise critic, the fashionable critic 
 eschews envy, and invariably pufPs the bantlings of his 
 fellows. In fine, the fashionable critic is always tied to 
 some lady friend, who has written a book he is about to 
 notice in Putnam, a journal he has nearly choked to death 
 with his great learning. If you would know how he lives 
 I will tell you. He has three dollar Lodgings with Mrs. 
 Sponge, in Amity Street, which is fashionable enough for 
 any body. But being a sharp fellow, he takes a dinner or 
 two at the Brevort House, which enables him to indite 
 all his epistles therefrom, so, to his friends, he is at the 
 Brevort House. And, believe me, sir, for I say it more 
 in pity than anger, he is a man much given to appropri- 
 ating to himself the coats and breeches of his friends, and 
 going uninvited to balls. 
 
 " The correspondent critic is generally an energetic gen- 
 tleman of foreign extraction and doubtful ancestry. Being 
 without means or business, he sets up for a critic of books. 
 He will correspond gratis for papers in Boston, Philadel- 
 phia, "Washington, Cincinnati, and other large cities. 
 Having " got his newspapers," he forms an extensive ac- 
 quaintance with authors, publishers, and actors — in a 
 word, with any one in need of puiBng, the force of which 
 he gauges according to the amount paid. Although the 
 wise critic holds him in utter contempt, he affects a knowl- 
 edge of books quite as profound, and can completely out- 
 shine him in his style of adulation. As for new books, no 
 enterprising publisher would deign to send him less than 
 twp copies, which may be found at a book stall the very 
 next morning. As, however, his sense of feeling is so 
 
340 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 delicate that he only wants to feel a book to decide 
 upon its merits, this disposing of the books fortunately 
 does not debar him from giving a ten dollar opinion of it 
 in one of Jiis newspapers. When, however, his puffs are not 
 squared according to the publisher's liking, he is sent abotit 
 his business ; sometimes threatened with an expose of the 
 peculiarities of his trade. He has free drinks and dinners 
 at various first class hotels, which he invariably recom- 
 mends in his ' articles.' Doctor Thompson's purgative 
 powders, Lubin's perfumery, and the Home Journal, are 
 severally victims of his profound respect. 
 
 " The correspondent critic has small apartments at first 
 class hotels, which he changes frequently, out of sheer 
 respect, as he says, to economy. But I have failed to dis- 
 cover how this could apply, since the change was invaria- 
 bly made for a more expensive hotel, while a little score 
 always remained on the ledger, to the no small annoyance 
 of the host. But, sir, where they have it is in 'knowing' 
 the impressibility of certain ambitious actresses, whose ac- 
 quaintance they cultivate, and for a given sum set them 
 up for Siddonses and Rachels, with the same respect for 
 modesty they evince in puffing Peteler's soda water. 
 
 '* And now, sir, we have come to the last, but depend 
 upon it, he is not the least of them all — I mean the critic 
 at large." Here Mr. Tickler, who, it must be known, 
 was as big a knave as any of them, and only charged upon 
 others the little inconsistencies he had himself been guilty 
 of, lighted his cigar, and suggested the good results of 
 another well compounded punch, which the general 
 ordered without delay. "I tell you, sir," Mr. Tickler re- 
 sumed, "he is an oily gentleman in very shabby clothes, and 
 might be easily mistaken for a cross between a toper and 
 a tinker. Lacking capacity for any other bu.siness, he 
 forms a cheap connection with the press, where his first 
 
MR. TICKLER OX CRITICS. 341 
 
 office would seem to be that of sitting in judgment upon 
 literature. Indeed, I have seldom seen a more shabby 
 gentleman set up for a man of letters. His a-s^ersion to 
 water and clean linen is only equaled by his love of 
 actors and bad brandy, the latter having painted his face 
 with a deep glow. The limit of his ' set phrases ' is 
 somewhat narrow ; but notwithstanding this little impedi- 
 ment, he has a wonderful facility for making heroes. He 
 assists publishers in ' getting out books,' getting"tap sensa- 
 tions, and, perhaps, a learned controversy, in which the 
 Evening Post, feeling its reserved rights infringed, will 
 join issue with every one else. The critic at large is, in 
 most cases, a foreign gentleman, who boasts an engage- 
 ment on the Express, adding at the same time, and with 
 some assurance, that he writes for the Sunday Dispatch 
 and Atlas. This stroke of policy he holds necessary to 
 preserve his respectability. He is in high favor at all the 
 theaters, tips winks to his actress acquaintances, drinks 
 slings and toddies at Honey's with actors befuddling 
 themselves into that dreamy state regarded by the pro- 
 fession as necessary to the clear bringing out of all the 
 beauties with which a beneficent providence endowed the 
 kings and conquerors they are to personate at night, on 
 that sequestered world called the stage. Tou may know 
 by the downy state of his wardrobe that he has a place to 
 sleep. But where he gets his breakfast is a mystery no 
 friend has ever yet solved for me. Aside from taking a 
 two shilling dinner at an oyster cellar in William Street, 
 and wiping his greasy fingers on a leather apron, he would 
 seem to live on hopes and brandy — mixed. He affects 
 great admiration of Johnson and Goldsmith, compares his 
 poverty with theirs, and attributes the present wretched 
 condition of criticism to the disgrace brought upon the 
 profession by Easley and other dilapidated priests. You 
 
342 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 will frequently see this shabby man of letters standing at 
 the corner of Nassau and Ann streets, his hands in his 
 pockets and his head bent in meditation. Occasionally he 
 will pitch his post in the vicinity of the Herald office, and 
 look up longingly at the windows, as if envying the dare 
 devils who write for that witty journal their fat larder. 
 And here he will remain until some kind friend with a 
 shilling invites him to a sling. Truly, sir, he is starved 
 into flattering his patrons. If you be an ambitious author, 
 you have only to show him the color of your coin, and for 
 two dollars he will make you quite equal to Thackeray. Five 
 dollars in his palm, and, my word for it, he will have you 
 superior to either Bulwer or Dickens. If you be a poet, 
 he will, for the sum of eight dollars, (which is Easley's 
 price,) enshrine you with the combined mantles of Homer 
 and Shakspeare. He applies the same scale of prices to 
 such actors and actresses as stand in need of his services. 
 Notwithstanding his passion for exalting his patrons, he 
 affects in conversation a great dislike for American litera- 
 ture, while at the same time he is ever ready to lavish the 
 most indiscriminate praise upon the books of foreign 
 authors. He never makes both ends meet on Saturday, 
 but will borrow a dollar to go to Oonej' Island on Sunday. 
 "And now, your honor, you have the whole mob, and 
 you may make what you please of them." The general 
 raised his glass, and was about to declare he had been 
 highly entertained, when Mr. Tickler suddenly interrupted, 
 lay reminding him that he had just called to mind the fact, 
 that there was a play writer critic. " This fellow is the 
 most congenial of them all, has a little room somewhere 
 in North Moore Street, in which may found two or three 
 pictures of fierce looking tragedians ; a cot covered with a 
 quilt of various colors, and looking as if it had been used 
 for a horse blanket ; a carpet the colors have long since 
 
MR. TICKLER ON CRITICS. 343 
 
 been worn out of; a dumb clock over the dingy mantel 
 piece ; a portrait of the deceased husband of the hostess ; 
 and a table well supplied with pipes, tobacco, and French 
 plays. The French plays are, when slightly altered and 
 rendered into English, for the public ; the pipes and 
 tobacco are for his friends. And although perpetually 
 climbing the mountain of poverty, while building no end 
 of castles in the air, he spends what he gets to-day and 
 has no thought for to-morrow. It having come the fashion 
 of the day for managers of theaters to feast their patrons 
 on the morbid sentimentality of French plays, (as if the 
 vices of our own social system were not enough to excite 
 the vicious propensities of our high blooded youths,) 
 so also would it seem the highest inspiration of the eigh- 
 "teentli century play writer to rehash and coarsify for the 
 American stage all those lascivious eccentricities for which 
 the French are famous. Hence, your jolly play writer 
 is generally engaged with his friends, smoking pipes and 
 reading the last French piece. The pleasure excited by 
 this congenial occupation is invariably heightened with 
 libations of whiskey, the play writer having a credit with 
 the grocer at the corner for three bottles, which, in a case 
 of emergency, may be extended to four. He writes 
 occasionally for the Sunday newspapers, thinks John 
 Brougham the greatest dramatist and wit of the age, and 
 stands ready either to join him in a glass or sing his 
 praises, though there is as much reason for committing so 
 flagrant an outrage as there would be in praising the ten 
 thousand and one stanzas written by that wonderful and 
 very eccentric bard, Richard Yeadon, who has sung of so 
 many springs and watering places as to dry up his ownmuse. 
 He is likewise something of a dabbler at reviewing novels, 
 but they must be largely sprinkled with murders, and 
 have plots strong enough to carry anything but the clergy. 
 
344 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 All other critics are to him great bores; but, like them, 
 he has a price for his services, and will, if you pay him, 
 make Shakspeares and Oorne.illes of very ordinary per- 
 sons. As for respectable society, he never even scented 
 the perfumery of its outskirts ; he therefore holds it in 
 utter contempt. Eeady at all times to adapt himself to 
 circumstances, if he chance to get in arrears to his land- 
 lady, he vrill square the account by marrying either 
 herself or her daughter.'' Mr. Tickler proceeded in this 
 strain, relating sundry curious things of the critics, until 
 the night was far advanced, and concluded by suggesting 
 that no serious damage could result to his constitution from 
 another punch. The general immediately fell in with this 
 opinion, and indeed was so entertained by his narrative, 
 that he would have ordered a dozen punches without' 
 considering his obligation to him wiped out. The punch 
 being dispatched, the general slipped five dollars into Mr. 
 Tickler's hand, and desired him to proceed to the host, 
 thank him for his great kindness, and clear the little 
 score from his ledger. Greatly delighted at the prospect 
 of performing this service, Mr. Tickler proceeded to the 
 office, and was informed by the polite host that it Avas a 
 custom with him never to take money of persons driven 
 to seek shelter in his house by accidents. To end the mat- 
 ter, he vowed it not only gave him great pleasure to have 
 so distinguished a military gentleman in his house, which 
 had bore a character for hospitality he was scrupulous it 
 should continue to maintain, but that he would be happy 
 to see him again. Indeed, he wished him success in all 
 his undertakings, hoping they would bring comfort in 
 great abundance. 
 
 Slipping the price of a criticism into his own pocket, the 
 adroit Tickler returned to the general, swore the host was 
 the most generous fellow within his knowledge, and said, 
 
MR. TICKLER ON CRITICS. 345 
 
 '' See here, sir ! faith of my father ! but he would only- 
 take three dollars for it all. And he passed the divil 
 knows how many compliments on your valor, for I 
 couldn't count them." He now proffered the remaining 
 two, but was not slow in acting upon the general's admo- 
 nition to put them in his own pocket. " And now, sir," re- 
 sumed Mr. Tickler, with an air of great anxiety, " let us 
 hasten home to your lodgings, and to-morrow I will write 
 this generous man a note for you, thanking him for sujh 
 rare disinterestedness. And it shall be such a note!" The 
 general, however, was not quite sure whether such an act 
 would become a man of courtesy, and expressed a desire 
 to see so generous a landlord and tell him how much he 
 thanked him. But as this would seriously disturb Mr. 
 Tickler's arrangements, that gentleman got him out of the 
 house as speedily as possible, assuring him that such a 
 proceeding would be contrary to all the established rules 
 of etiquette. Quietly then, they proceeded down Broadway 
 together, suspicious that they were seen by every passer 
 by, and entered the St. Nicholas by a private door. And 
 so unobserved was this achievement, that the host was, on 
 the following morning, surprised and astonished at the 
 return of his guest, whom he would have sworn was lying 
 a corpse at the New York Hotel. 
 15* 
 
CHAPTER XXXVIII. 
 
 GENERAL POTTBE EECEIVES A LETTER FROM HIS WIFE 
 POLLY ; HE ENGAGES TO FIGHT THE KING OF THE 
 KALORAMAS ; PREPARES TO LEAVE FOR WASHINGTON J 
 AND VARIOUS THINGS CURIOUS AND INTERESTING. 
 
 When Tickler parted company with the general, it was 
 with the understanding that they meet again in a day or 
 two, and consummate the agreement whereby the adroit 
 critic was to follow the fortunes of his master through 
 politics and war. He therefoi« went directly to his home, 
 and returned thanks for the mercy of this opportune de- 
 liverance from his dire necessities. A shilling he had not 
 had in his pocket for several days ; and as to the five dol- 
 lars, it would enable him to assume a position of no small 
 importance among his friends at the opera. 
 
 As to the general, he awoke early in the morning, and 
 began to contemplate his honors. There could not be the 
 sliglitest doubt of his fame in politics, seeing liow many 
 distinguished persons liad sought to pay him homage. In- 
 deed, he had been carried by a process known only to pol- 
 iticians to an incredible height of popularity, which, be- 
 ing vain of, he bore with a patience and cheerfulness 
 equaled only by tlie docility of old Battle, his horse. 
 The city fathers, it must be mentioned, finding him not 
 quite up to their expectations, were endeavoring to drop 
 him with as little noise as possible. But it seemed a 
 question which was most deceived, the general or the city 
 fathers. The latter found the former a shallow pated 
 man, who from mere joking, bad been made to believe 
 [340] 
 
THINGS INTERESTING. 347 
 
 himself a great politisian, and hy a singular cleverness in 
 committing to memory the altered speeches of others, had 
 created for himself a respectability that always vanished 
 on an acquaintance with him ; while the former declared 
 that the population of a city was no proof of the amount 
 of moral rectitude by which its government was conduct- 
 ed, seeing that he had found those of the city fathers with 
 whom he had come in contact, very craggy headed men, and 
 sadly deficient in everything but creating disorders and 
 bringing disgrace upon the city : in fine, that they were 
 not what they ought to be. 
 
 The general now began to look about him for means 
 whereby he could distinguish himself in war, and make 
 his fame national. He argued within himself that how- 
 ever famous a man might become in politics, there was an 
 uncertainty always impending. But to be famous in war, 
 was something as durable as time, and which always ex- 
 cited the warmest admiration of one's countrymen. And 
 while he, with confused fancies flitting through his ima- 
 gination, was thus contemplating his present greatness and 
 future prospects, a servant entered, bearing a letter. 
 
 " Love of me ! " exclaimed the general, " It's from my 
 wife, Polly ! " 
 
 A superscription in a series of hieroglyphics that would 
 have defied the combined erudition of Eawlinson and Lay- 
 ard, the general deciphered thus : " To Major Eoger Sher- 
 man Potter. In New York." The seal, which was of broken 
 wafers, pressed with a thimble, was broken with eage^ 
 anxiety, and the general, his eyes transfixed on the dingy 
 page, read the contents, which ran thus ; 
 
 " Barnstable, June-rr, 185,- 
 " My Dear husban 
 
 " You knows i nlver did like these ere politiks, for all 
 
 the expereiance i've had in um tells rae they nethir 
 
348 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEB. 
 
 brings meat nor pays the store bills. I see they bin mak- 
 ing ever so much on you yinder in New York ; but that 
 ant nothin", when a body has debts to pay, and childirn 
 to shoe and larn. I know, and you know i know, that 
 when you was young you had capacity (talent they call 
 it) enuff lo get to Oongriss ; and thats why i tried so to 
 get you there, and sold all the ducks and chickens, and 
 strained, you know, ever so many ways to help you up 
 in the world ; but now i see there's not a whit a use int, 
 for i've a come convinsed'that them politiks makes an 
 honest man a rogue, and sends his soul to the devil, and 
 his family to the town-house. I like to see you made so 
 much of, for i have the nateral feelins of a wife, and if, as 
 you used to say, i didn't know much of filosofy, why i 
 have some sense, and want you to come straight home, 
 and see to your poor family, for it takes all we can get 
 for binding shoes to buy bread. But what i want to tell 
 you is three days after you left on the Two Marys, Sheriff 
 Warner come with a rit, and carried away the three pigs, 
 and Warner has bin donnin me life out for that old store 
 bill, and Draner says he wont wait another day for the 
 rent, and Aldrich says you owe him ten dollars borrowed 
 money, which you had better pay afore you make so 
 much noise in New York. But what i want to tell you 
 is, that i lent what little money you left to Captain Ben 
 Larnard, who says he can't pay it back right away, but 
 will when his wife gits home, though Captain Spelt's wife 
 says she's run off with another man. And there's that 
 trifle due when you went away to Jefferson Bigelow the 
 butcher, he keeps a lookin in and giving me the startles, 
 and saying how Squire Benson lives at the corner. Now 
 as you love your poor wife and children come home, 
 and let politiks alone, and provide for your children like a 
 good christian and an honest man, which I have heard it 
 
THINGS IHTEEESTING. 349 
 
 said a politishon cant be. And this is the prayer of your 
 true and afifeckshonite wife 
 
 Polly Potter." 
 
 " A bombshell from my wife Polly, sure enough ! " ejac- 
 ulated the general ; " but she is a sensible woman, and with 
 learning would have made her mark in the world. A man 
 must not look back though, but renew his demonstrations 
 against misfortune, and then if he succeed let him thank 
 his energy. And yet it is true, as my wife Polly says, 
 my politics have brought me in but little meat, and my 
 children have often times gone scantily clad, whereas 
 they might have had plenty if I'd stuck to the bench. 
 However, a point approached, is a point gained, and now 
 that my hand is almost upon a mission, which will repay 
 for all my disappointments, it will not do to walk back into 
 the house and shut the door." 
 
 Thus the hero reasoned within himself. It was true, old 
 Battle was eating his head off. But the pig had made a 
 wonderful sensation, and so crowded the house every night 
 as to demonstrate the fact that first rate talent of every 
 kind was highly appreciated in New York. The critics, 
 with scarcely a dissenting voice, had declared the pig a 
 marvel, a profound embodiment of talent, one of the 
 wonders of the age ; an animal possessed of such rare 
 gifts that no lover of the curious in natural history should 
 lose the opportunity of witnessing his performances. And 
 in order to diversify these distinguished and very popular 
 entertainments, the clever showman had introduced a 
 piece called " Evenings with the Critics," in one scene of 
 which was presented a litter of nine precocious pigs, habit- 
 ed in bright colored mantles, and seated on seats forming 
 a semicircle, with Duucan in ducal robes seated on a 
 throne, and presiding with the gravest demeanor. The 
 nine small pigs were supposed to represent various mem- 
 
350 ADVKXTCRES OF MAJOR POTl-ER. 
 
 bers of the critic tribe, while Duncan, who was in spec- 
 tacles, personated Doctor Easley. And so cleverly did 
 the showman understand the instincts of critics, as well as 
 the beauties of his art, that he produced the scene with the 
 merits of apoem called Hiawatha under consideration. Each 
 pig waited the signal of approval or disapproval from Dun- 
 can, and according to his verdict, either fell upon and 
 grievously soiled the poem, or grunted in one string of 
 praise as they danced round it. And the audience under- 
 standing the logic of this, the performance proved highly 
 entertaining. Indeed, renowned tragedians, very popular 
 low comedians, leading business ladies, whose fame had 
 been made for twenty years, and singing ladies who hailed 
 from no less a place than the Covent Garden Opera, Lon- 
 don, were driven by the pig mania into Poverty Lodge, 
 from whence they sneeringly declared that no better proof 
 of the low standard of public taste could be afforded. 
 
 And now, while pondering over the letter received from 
 his wife, Polly, and feeling as if he could kiss her a thous- 
 and times, and entreat her to bear with him, since this 
 time he was sure of success, and would return to her so 
 much exalted that the whole village would turn out to do 
 him homage, Barnum entered, and without further cere- 
 mony declax-ed himself so enamored of the pig, whose 
 success with the public was unprecedented, that he cheer- 
 fully paid down the amount of the closing engagement, 
 and produced a paper which proved to be a reengage- 
 ment at an advance of terms, that so completely satisfied 
 the general, that he signed it without fui-ther hesitation. 
 The showman being an advocate of temperance, declined 
 General Potter's invitation to join him over a punch ; and 
 being a man of business, took 'his departure as soon as 
 he had perfected the regngagement, promising to keep 
 the pig's birthplace and antecedents a profound secret. 
 
THINGS INTERESTING. 351 
 
 And when he was gone, the general took fifty dollats of 
 the money paid him, and sate down to write the follow- 
 ing letter in reply to that received from his wife Polly : 
 
 " St. Nicholas Hotel, New York, June — , 185-. 
 "My Dear Wife Polly : 
 
 " Your letter is just received, and grieves me enough, 
 God knows. You must know, dear Polly, that riches are 
 not got in a day, nor is fame gained in a week, though a 
 man may be popular and not have money enough to get 
 a shilling dinner. And truly, since I arrived here, so much 
 honor has been showered upon me that my shoulders are 
 scarce broad enough to carry it all. As for those who 
 make up the government of this great city, I have come 
 to think they are not to be trusted ; for if my good 
 nature would recompense them for the respect they have 
 shown me, my common sense is not to be shut up with 
 gilded doors when I see men much given to strong drink 
 and breaking one another's heads, which it seems to me 
 is the fashion with these high office gentlemen. I now 
 send you fifty dollars, which will comfort j'ou for a time ; 
 remember, I will send you some more when less engaged 
 with matters concerning the public. Give each a little, 
 just to keep matters quiet ; but be careful not to let one 
 of them know how much you have in the purse, or they'll 
 all rush upon you and strip you to the last dollar. I have 
 success at my finger's ends, and am sure of a mission, as 
 you will see by the newspapers, which have said no end 
 of good things of me. I have met with one or two slight 
 misfortunes, but as they are such as all great politicians and 
 military men must expect to meet, I will say no more 
 about them. Heaven bless you and the children, is the 
 sincere wish of your affectionate husband, 
 
 " EoGBR Sherman Potter. 
 
352 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 " P. S. Excuse my brevity, dear Polly, as I am much 
 pressed with public affairs. Old Battle is well, but served 
 me a scurvy trick only a day or two ago." 
 
 Having sealed and despatched this letter to the post 
 office. General Potter suddenly remembered that he had 
 not seen his faithful horse since the accident in Broadway 
 that had so nearly cost him his life. He therefore repaired 
 to the stable, where a scene so truly affecting took place, that 
 the grooms had great difficulty in restraining their tears. 
 No sooner did old Battle hear his master's voice, than he 
 began neighing, when his master, in return, patted and 
 caressed him as if he had been a child. In truth, the 
 animal was much bruised cibout the knees and face, and 
 altogether presented a figure sorry enough to enlist the 
 sympathy of any kind gentleman. '" It was no fault of 
 yours, my true, my faithful friend," said the general, pat- 
 ting him on the neck and fondling him. " The ragged 
 urchins did it all, and if their parents be not careful the 
 devil and the gallows will put a sudden end to their 
 career. Thou hast shared my trials in many an expedi- 
 tion, and it is my intention that thou share many more." 
 In this manner the general continued to condole old Battle, 
 until the grooms forgot their grief, and were well nigh 
 splitting then- sides with laughter. Leaving his horse, 
 the general returned to his rooms, and found a stranger 
 awaiting him. 
 
 " The importance of my mission, sir," spoke the man, 
 who arose to his feet with great dignity of manner, and 
 was evidently a man of much circumstance, " is the best 
 apology I can offer for this self-introduction — " 
 
 " I see, sir," replied the general, " that you are a man 
 of quality. Keep your seat, then, and accept my assur- 
 ances of good faith in whatever it may please you to offer." 
 
THINGS INTEEESTIXG. 353 
 
 " My name," resumed the stranger, his stately figure 
 and frank, open countenance, forming a curious contrast 
 to the rotund figure of the general, " is Pekleworth 
 Glanmoregain, so well known in the world of commerce 
 that I apprehend it is not the first time you have heard 
 of me." The general bowed. " Tour fame as a military 
 man having come to my knowledge, as also your ability 
 for statesmanship, I have sought you out, with a view to 
 engaging your services in carrying out a great project I 
 now have on hand. But what passes between us I desire 
 shall be kept a profound secret for the present, since 
 events mature with such a rapidity at this day that it is 
 impossible to keep track of them." The stranger paused 
 and cast a scrutinizing glance at the general, who was 
 surprised and astounded at the vagueness of his speech. 
 Indeed, he began to have a suspicion that the stranger 
 was on an errand of evil, or, perhaps, had come to engage 
 his services in some unholy enterprise, such as poisoning 
 an heir or giving false evidence. 
 
 " Pray, remember," said he, in a voice indicating great 
 anxiety, " that if I have not much of the world's riches, I 
 am at least an honest man, which is saying something, as 
 things go. I may say, too, that I set some value upon 
 my military reputation ; therefore, let what you have to 
 offer be such as it will not lower my reputation to accept. 
 To tell you the truth, sir, I have a foreign mission in my 
 eye, and am sure of getting it when I go to Washington, 
 since my qualifications are not a whit behind any of them." 
 
 " Bury your misgivings, I enjoin you," replied the 
 stranger, " for I am a responsible man, and the service I 
 require of you is highly honorable. I have a mighty 
 project in view, and if it can with your assistance be car, 
 ried to a successful issue, not only will I make you a great 
 general, but a rich man for the rest of your life." 
 
354 ADVENTURES OF MA.TOK POTTER. 
 
 The prospect of being made a great general so elated our 
 hero, that as the stranger discovered his project m detail, 
 he entered into it with great alacrity, and would, as an 
 earnest of his ability, have given him an account of all 
 the wars he had been in, and the victories that were 
 gained solely by following his advice, but that the stranger 
 assured him it was unnecessary, since he had already seen 
 enough pi-oof of his being a man of valor. 
 
 Pekleworth Glanmoregain, I must mention here, was a 
 man who had become famous in commerce, and had large 
 possessions. But these he was not content to enjoy, but 
 sought to increase his wealth by means our forefathers 
 would have chai-acteiized with much severity. There 
 was, according to Pekleworth Glanmoregain, a territory 
 somewhere on the Spanish main, familiarly known as the 
 Kingdom of the Kaloramas. The Kaloramas were an 
 inoffensive people, who had been much degraded by in- 
 testine wars, and were so low in the scale of physical and 
 intellectual q[uality as to enlist in their behalf the sympa- 
 thies of the powerful and magnanimous. But as that 
 which is nationally weak only serves as a prey to that 
 which is nationally strong, so the poor, emaciated Kalo- 
 ramas had for years been a prey to the avarice of rival 
 adventurers, who, in that spirit which arrogance always 
 asserts over ignorance, would make their king a puppet 
 and themselves mere vassals. And this the wily adven- 
 turers did, by professing great friendship for the king and 
 his people, then setting up a fictitious claim to a voice in 
 the affairs of the kingdom, and finally demanding for such 
 service, which any knave or fool might have rendered, not 
 one, but all his islands. In truth, the Kingdom of the 
 Kaloramas, though insignificant in its own political aspect, 
 had furnished a grand theme for a comedy of modern diplo- 
 matic errors, in the performance of which numerous clever 
 
THINGS INTEEESTING. 355 
 
 gentlemen Lad found much innocent recreation, though 
 not a man had been found capable of solving the plot to the 
 satisfaction of the spectators. In fine, what caused so 
 much longing after, and so many evil eyes to be cast upon 
 this little kingdom of the poor Kaloramas, was the fact 
 that it had within itself a great highway, over which the 
 commerce of two oceans passed. And such were the ad- 
 vantages held out by a monopoly of this highway, that 
 each claimant stood ready to censure the ignorance of the 
 government that doubted liis iight to higher consideration 
 than that given to his felloii adventurer, whom he would 
 hang to the nearest tree with as little scruple as he would 
 eat his breakfast. 
 
 "And now, sir," resumed Glanmoregain, " I have des- 
 cribed the Kingdom of the Kaloramas to you, and also the 
 immense advantages it possesses. To be honest with 
 you, then, I desire to gain possession of it, which I take 
 it will be no hard matter, provided the general who engages 
 in my service be capable of outwitting his rivals. And as 
 each keeps a general and a poet of his own, I am resolved 
 to outdo the rest by having a general and two poets, which 
 surely will secure the success of my enterprise." 
 
 " Truly, sir," interposed the general, somewhat sur- 
 prised at the hugeness of Glanmoregain's desires, " I hold 
 it no man is more capable of undertaking what you desire, 
 for God has given me talents which have served me in 
 war, and I have been careful not to abuse them in peace. 
 Let me then have men and meat, and, if you please, a few 
 of those gifts men so much covet, and I warrant you I 
 make the glory all your own. Say but the word, and it 
 will not be long before I have this king you speak of hung 
 to the first tree, and myself elected in his place." 
 
 " You are exactly the gentleman I want," spoke the 
 other; "and as to men and meat, I may mention, general, 
 
356 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 that I liave numerous ships at my command, and provis- 
 ions without stint ! And there are at least ten thousand 
 vagabonds, whom, heaven knows, the city would be well 
 rid of; and these, being officered by well starved members 
 of the legal profession, whose name is legion, can be got 
 to do the fighting for the mere love they bear such amuse- 
 ment. Indeed, general, I am no prophet, or the appear- 
 ance of such an army would soon frighten the king out of 
 his kingdom, which would be a blessing, seeing that it 
 would save so much blood. First disorganize the judic- 
 iary, then endeavor to spread dissension among the people, 
 (which is a thing common enough with the ministers we 
 send abroad,) and when these things are done the king 
 can be easily overthrown, which will secure me the ad- 
 vantage I desire as well as a victory over my rivals." 
 
 " Faith, sir, I pledge my military reputation to do all 
 these things ; and if I fail it will be no fault of mine, for 
 my arm is strong enough to meet the enemy at his own 
 game. And as your speech betrays you a man of profound 
 wisdom, I will tell you, for it vrill be of great advantage 
 to our cause, that I am about to engage one Orlando Tick- 
 ler, a critic of great learning, who speaks several tongues, 
 and has no less than seven newspapers at his bidding. 
 And what is more, he is much given to poetry, and can 
 get up sonnets in praise of our victories. Think you not 
 he can play an important part ? " 
 
 " A person we much need," said Glanmoregain, patting 
 the general on the shoulder ; " and if he have seven news- 
 papers at his bidding, why, if he but know how to use them 
 in making victories of defeats, I will wager my life on the 
 success of my enterprise. And if you can get that foreign 
 mission you speak of, so much the better. Let it be to 
 the King of the Kaloramas, and you can then use your 
 privileges to get such a knowledge of the weaknesses of 
 
THXN'GS LN-TEEESTKsG. 357 
 
 the court as will enable you to overthrow it with the 
 greatest facility.'' 
 
 The preliminaries being arranged, the general promised 
 to proceed strictly according to the advice of Glanmore- 
 gain, and to lose no time in proceeding to Washington to 
 secure his appointment. He also promised to keep his 
 own counsel ; and to prove their good faith, they sat down 
 to a bottle of old port, which, when they had finished, 
 Glanmoregain took his departure, promising to call on the 
 following day, and left the general to pack up his baggage, 
 preparatory to taking his departure. 
 
CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 IN WHICH GENERAL POTTER FINALLY SECURES THE 
 SERVICES OP MR. TICKLER ; AND, TOGETHER WITH 
 PEKLEWORTH OLANMOREGAIN, THEY VISIT THE OPERA 
 BEFORE SETTING OUT FOR WASHINGTON. 
 
 GLANMORiuiAiN went home thinking within himself 
 that the general was, mentally, not quite up to what ho 
 had expected to find him. However, as generals were 
 not always to be judged either by their epistles or con- 
 versation, so the rotund figure, he thouglit, might prove 
 himself a dabster in war as well as politics. Furtlu^r, he 
 did not so much want a general win) would have his own 
 way in every thing, (for (lion there was danger of his 
 holding what he got, under the rules of war,) but rather 
 one whom he could mould and direct according to his 
 desires. In fine, the man, ho thought, might reflect the 
 follies of a fool, and in the quality of wars he intended to 
 prosecute, be exactly the general hii wanted. The gen- 
 eral, on the other h/md, commenced sotting himself down 
 as the most fortuiiale military man of his day. Indeed, 
 all the pedantry of his extravagant nature was excited 
 to a degree that made him already begin to conteiri]date 
 himself the hero of endless victories, lie also cast a 
 stray tliought to old Batlle, and fancied himself mounted 
 upon him at the head of a victorious army, returning 
 proudly home after having demolished several kingdoms 
 [358] 
 
.!LN- OPEEA PAETY. 359 
 
 and built up as many republics. He also lost no time in 
 writing a second letter to his wife Polly, in ■n-hich be set 
 fortb, with much flourish, that he had been so elevated in 
 the opinion of the nation, that now he was ofiFered the 
 command of an army ; which he had accepted, and was 
 about to invade the kingdom of a foreign prince. And 
 this letter he sealed and dispatched with all possible 
 speed, hoping in his heart that it might reach his wife 
 Polly in adyance of the other. 
 
 When this was done, Mr. Tickler entered, and, after 
 passing the usual compliments, proceeded, without further 
 ceremony, to write a note to the landlord of the Xew 
 York Hotel, returning thanks for his extreme generosity. 
 But not a word was said about the three dollars. Mr. Tickler 
 declared it would not do to lisp a word concerning it, as 
 such would be in direct violation of the rules of etiquette 
 common at this day. Having despatched the note, the 
 general set about relating what had taken place between 
 himself and Glanmoregain, and expressing himself de- 
 lighted at the opportunity of so soon displaying his prow- 
 ess in war. " Faith ! " exclaimed Jlr. Tickler, " every 
 merchant will soon get him a general of his own. By 
 the love of my mother! now it's just stmclc me: perhaps 
 I can get a small advance on the strength of my future 
 services 1 for I am in arrears with my landlady, whose 
 look of melancholy so admonishes me every time I enter 
 the house, that I have for more than a week taken ad- 
 vantage of the back door." The general shrugged his 
 shoulders, declared the will good enough to render the 
 desired relief, but that the means were wanting. To be 
 out-spoken, he hinted to Mr. Tickler that, in the event of 
 joining his service, it must be upon the condition that he 
 depend on the fortunes of war for his reward. As to the 
 hostess, he declared that he had not a doubt of her being 
 
360 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 a very excellent lady, as hostesses ought to be. Still, lie 
 gave it as his opinion, that it were much better political 
 economy to leave the poor woman's house v^ith a small 
 bill unpaid, than eat himself into a large one. He 
 further suggested that when the time came, he pack up 
 and leave as quietly as possible, neither looking to the 
 right nor the left, but getting out of the city by the most 
 direct route ; and when a respectful distance was reached, 
 just to drop her a friendly line, saying he could not find 
 it compatible with his conscience to longer eat her bread 
 without paying for it, but as soon as fortune put the 
 means in his way, he would lose no time in rubbing out 
 the score. 
 
 " Love of my mother ! " again ejaculated Tickler, "but 
 your astetics are well enough. And I like the logic that 
 closes the door on a small debt, rather than bury a friend 
 with a big one. See that, now, master general ! " 
 
 The preliminaries whereby the adroit critic was to follow 
 the fortunes of his master, were now arranged, and the 
 agreement signed. Tickler was to be faithful and obe 
 dient to his master, rendering him such services as the 
 change of events might demand, being content with rations 
 and clothing until the fortunes of war turned up some- 
 thing better. 
 
 When night was come, Glanmoregain again made his 
 appearance, having previously extended an invitation, to 
 escort the general to the opera. And as Tickler was about 
 to perform so important a part in his project, he could do 
 no less than invite him also. Vain of the importance he 
 imagined himself possessing in the eyes of the pubHc, the 
 general was with some difficulty restrained from mounting 
 his uniform, which he held necessary, lest he be con- 
 founded with some ordinary individual without claim to 
 popular favor. Having persuaded him to forego this un- 
 
AN OPEEA PAETY. 361 
 
 necessary display, the three sallied out together, and soon 
 arrived at what is curiously called the Academy of Music, 
 a building which several friends of the writer of this his- 
 tory, and who are gentlemen of acknowledged taste, 
 declare to be unexcelled for splendor and beauty of archi- 
 tecture, not even excepting the La Scala, St. Carlo, Oovent 
 Garden, or even the Tacon. With all deference for the 
 opinions of my accomplished friends, I must confess that the 
 exterior of the building struck me as a huge, square mass 
 of brick much disfigured with awkward looking windows 
 and common place lintels. Indeed, it might easily have 
 been mistaken for a charity hospital ; and in the absence 
 of a front, discovering the slightest architectural grandeur, 
 bore no small resemblance to an absurdly constructed 
 barracks. 
 
 Entering what in a church would be designated a ves- 
 tibule, but which here served as a convenient place for 
 loitering gentlemen who speculate in tickets, and the only 
 visible furniture of which had been reformed down to a cheap 
 chandelier, they passed on through a narrow baize door, 
 flanked on one side by an oily picket taker, and on the 
 other by a fashionably dressed and bearded gentleman, 
 whom the manager, in his praiseworthy efforts to please a, 
 capricious public, seemed to have placed there for the os- 
 tensible purpose of staring in the faces of ladies, and sq 
 circumscribing the width of the passage as to render it 
 exceedingly difficult of ingress. They passed on into the 
 " dress circle," where the seats were peculiarly adapted 
 for making the back ache, and soon found that they had got 
 behind a huge column, (of which there were many similar 
 ones,) where no human eye could get a glimpse of the stage, 
 though the unfortunate visitor paid ten dollars for his seat. 
 As to the interior of the house, it forcibly reminded me 
 of an immense gypsum quarry, with rudely excavated 
 16 
 
362 ADVEXTUBES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 galleries, forming such a jumble and confusion of lines, 
 that it was in vain yovi looked for an architectural beauty. 
 Indeed, I venture to assert, th.at such a huge conglomerate 
 of plaster and cheap gilt never before decorated one edifice, 
 .•ind that dedicated to high art. And if the uncouth 
 images, with limbs of giants and heads of ordinary females, 
 which met the eye at every turn, were to be accepted in 
 proof of the high standard of taste at which we had ar- 
 rived, then surelj' plaster and gilt ought to form the motto. 
 Figures of ugly females, in plaster, bore np the second 
 tier; groups of nymphs, in plaster, stared at you from the 
 circle borders ; grim visaged figures, in plaster, loriked 
 tauntingly at you from the proscenium ; a troop of impolite 
 figures, in plaster, beset you in flank and rear, and haunted 
 3-ou at every turn, as plaster figures had evidently haunted 
 the imagination of the architect. In fine, every deficiency 
 seemed compensated with an image in plaster, or, what 
 was worse, one of those fashionable society men who sit in 
 dumb show, listening to the melody, without enjoying the 
 sense or knowing a word of what is being sung. 
 
 A great admirer of this plaster-perfect edifice was my 
 friend. Miss Kate Suppletongue, who declared to me that 
 though she had been twice to London and Paris, she had 
 seen nothing equal to the Academy for grandeur. Tom 
 Slenderstring, of the Brevoort House, too, said neither the 
 St. Carlos nor the Oovent Garden could compare with it 
 for beauty of design. And Tom was a traveled man, 
 v>'hose verdict the whole avenue accepted in matters of 
 taste. My disappointment then was only equaled by the 
 height to which my expectations had been raised by these 
 e-xcellent authorities. But what grieved me most, for I 
 am a man of sympathy, was the batteries which had evi- 
 dently been committed on these females in plaster forming 
 an advance guard to the d.e.-s circle, and obstructing the 
 
AX OPEEA PARTY. 368 
 
 view while affecting to support the upper boxes. I am 
 told that the directors and stockholders are men of large 
 humanity, whose only vanity lies in fancying themselves 
 liberal patrons of art, which is pardonable in gentlemen 
 much given to commerce. I beseech them, then, as they 
 are christian gentlemen, to look to the distressed condition 
 of these females, some of whom have lost their noses, 
 others their fingers and toes, while still others have had 
 curious antics performed with their bosoms, which would 
 seem to afford no little diversion to certain females of easy 
 virtue, who, together with the empty seats of the stock- 
 holders, are firm fixtures of the dress circle. My pity was 
 indeed excited at beholding the large aperture made by 
 some strange accident in the abdomen of one of these 
 plaster females, and which aperture a thoughtless young 
 gentleman made a convenient place for depositing his hat 
 and cane, much to the amusement of those in the vicinity. 
 As the opera (which is familiarly known as that of 
 Lucrezia Borgia) proceeded, the general, who was not ac- 
 customed to this style of singing, began to think it a mere 
 tilt of voices between the singers. " Pray, what does 
 it all mean, sir?" said he, turning to Mr. Tickler with 
 much auxietj', " for I cannot understand a word of it ; and 
 it seems to me there are enough more in the same pre- 
 dicament, for those who have books I take it cannot 
 find the places." Mr. Tickler, who affected to have the 
 whole opera at his fingers' ends, began an explanation of the 
 history and plot of the opera, which, however, only served 
 to leave the matter more confused in the general's mind ; 
 and he declared he saw no good reason why they should 
 scream their troubles in a language not one word of which 
 nineteen-twentieths of the audience could understand. 
 " Faith of my father, sir," he continued, " but if the fleshy 
 man would only stop his screaming, and set to sing ' Auld 
 
364 ADVEKTTUBES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 Lang Syne,' or something of tliat sorf, it would be much 
 more to my liking. To your fashionable folks with your 
 fashionable singing, for all me : and let them who under- 
 stand it pay for it ; to be honest with you, sir, (and I see 
 you are much given to this sort of singing,) I can make no 
 more of it than that the fleshy man you call the tenor, and 
 who you say is no scaly fellow, but a man with whom 
 several damsels have become enamored, is outdoing the big 
 man you call the basso, in telling his troubles to the audi- 
 ence, who, I take it, care not a whit about them, seeing 
 that most of them are keeping up a loud conversation on 
 matters concerning their neighbors, which is a proof of 
 their resolution not to let the bawling fellows upon the 
 stage have it all their own way. As to the moral of the 
 representation, I have no doubt it is good, as you say; 
 but I hold, that vice is better shut up in the closet than 
 served out for the amusement of the young. But lest you 
 say I am not a man of feeling, I can tell you I pity the tall 
 woman you call the prima donna ; and if she would accept a 
 word of advice from me, I would tell her to so square her 
 example for the future, that she may be prepared for 
 Heaven when Death knocks at the door, since she is a lady 
 of so much beauty that it would be a pity to see her leave 
 this world without redemption. And as I see tlio big, fat 
 chorus women are laughing in their skins at our ignorance 
 of what they say, I would have them take heed lest they 
 fall into the snare you describe as being set for the square 
 shouldered damsels you call the atrato." " Contralto ! " 
 interrupted Mr. Tickler. " Well, have it contralto, then ; 
 the difference is only in a word or two, which matters 
 nothing now-a-days. And as to the opera, I hold it best 
 that we get home and attend to matters concerning our 
 journey, for I see the two foreign gentlemen on the stage 
 are for having a fight between themselves ; and as it 
 
AN OPERA PARTY. 365 
 
 would not become me, as a military man, to stand by and 
 see any unfair play, or indeed, to bave anything to do 
 with it, let us prove the strength of our understanding by 
 getting quietly away." During this colloquy between the 
 general and Mr. Tickler, Glanmoregain had been a quiet 
 listener ; but he was not a little amused at the singular 
 innocence of the man he was about to entrust with the 
 important office of overthrowing a kingdom. And al- 
 though he would have remained to the end of the opera, 
 which, so far as the principals were concerned, was really 
 being performed in a very creditable manner, he accom- 
 panied the general to his quarters at the St. Nicholas, 
 where they, having made such arrangements for the jour- 
 ney as will be recorded in the following chapter, parted 
 for the night. 
 
CHAPTER XL. 
 
 GENERAL ROGER POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY ARRIVE 
 IN WASHINGTON, TO THE NO SMALL ALARM OP CER- 
 TAIN ADEPTS AND OFFICE SEEKERS. 
 
 The general arose on the following morning before the 
 sparrows were up; and as he had ordered the landlord to 
 have his bill forthcoming, he found it duly laid on his ta- 
 ble, with a balance so ponderous that he commenced com- 
 "paring it with the contents of his purse, without at first 
 being able to comprehend the process that had found him 
 thus involved. At length he discovered that although the 
 city fathers had discharged a certain nm»unt of the bill, 
 out of respect of his being the guest of the city, they had 
 oidered refreshments, (such as wines and suppers,) at his 
 expense, aiid to such an extent as to make it quite clear 
 that he would have saved at least one hundred dollars had 
 lie never seen these worthy dignitaries. In fine, the cun- 
 ning fellows took very good care never to honor a guest 
 without making him pay dear enough for it. But he had 
 enough to square the bill, and something left; and he 
 would have the landlord know that he was none of your 
 shabby politicians who lives on hopes and pays their debts 
 with promises. He therefore paid his bill with an air of 
 wealth that completely won the landlord's confidence, 
 (for he had previously entertained no few fears of his 
 bill.) Beside, circumstances made it necessary for him to 
 leave old Battle until his return, for which he had stipu- 
 lated with Glanmoregain, which was to him a grievous 
 [366] 
 
THE GENERAL AT WASHINGTON. 367 
 
 affliction. In truth, General Potter, disordered as his wits 
 were, regarded old Battle as a perfect safeguard in every 
 emergency. 
 
 And now as the blushing dawn threw her golden drape- 
 ry over the eastern sky, as if to cheer the general on his 
 journey, Mr. Tickler, panting for breath, and evidently 
 alarmed at something he could not clearly define, made 
 his appearance, bearing a single valise. 
 
 " Faith, sir," he stammered, " I'm right glad to see you 
 ready, for it seemed to me that no less than twenty sher- 
 iffs and all my creditors were at my heels." 
 
 " Pray, sir, be not so nervous," replied the general, " for 
 your life's your own." 
 
 " That may be all true," rejoined the critic ; " but let 
 us leave the argument until we have got safe out of the 
 city, for my conscience tells me that he who slips his 
 creditors had better be sure of his heels." 
 
 The two now slipped as slyly as possible to the carriage, 
 and without stopping to take leave of any one but the 
 landlord, took their departure for the Camden and Am- 
 boy station. Tickler looking back, and thanking his stars 
 that he had got clear of his creditors. And as they were 
 pursuing their journey to Philadelphia, Tickler turned to 
 the general, saying : 
 
 '' Though I may have violated the laws of friendship 
 in this little matter between me and my landlady, I at 
 least breathe freer, and know that I am an honest man. 
 But ! heaven save me, sir, if we should get shivered to 
 splinters on this road, (which I am told is one celebrated 
 for the dexterity with which it performs such acts,) what 
 would be said of me by my enemies, for I have enough, 
 and many of them are as good critics as can be found ! " 
 
 " Have a care for your friends, Mr. Tickler — have a care 
 for your friends ; and let not fear of your enemies carry 
 
368 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 away your judgment. Example after me ; meet your 
 enemies with sword and pistol, and settle the matter as 
 becomes gentlemen. Honestly, friend Tickler, I hold it 
 better a man shut his ears to the sayings of his enemies, 
 for if they spit him to-day, the praises of his friends will 
 offset it to-morrow. 
 
 They now continued their journey, and without se- 
 rious accident or hinderance of any kind, arrived in 
 Washington before sunset, and proceeded directly to 
 "Willard's Hotel," that being not only the most fash- 
 ionable, but the house at which distinguished politicians 
 and military men of quality registered their names, though 
 the host was neither celebrated for his courtesy, nor ther 
 politeness of his servants, nor the excellence of his table. 
 
 " I am General Roger Sherman Potter, commonly 
 called Major Roger Potter, of whose fame, I take it, you 
 have heard enough said in the newspapers," spoke the 
 general, addressing a tall, dark complexioned, and lean 
 visaged man, who was no less a person than the landlord. 
 After casting a scrutinizing glance at the amount of 
 baggage his guests had, as was customary with him, 
 (sharpers had more than once assumed the title of gen- 
 eral,) for it was not considered polite to present a bill 
 until the end of the week, the landlord replied by saying 
 in a tone of indifference : 
 
 " As to that, sir, perhaps I have, and perhaps I have 
 not ; it is not quite clear to my mind at this moment. It 
 is a difficult matter for men of our profession to distinguish 
 between generals." The landlord smiled, and continued 
 his glances up and down the figure before him, as if con- 
 templating his stupendous belly, as contrasted with the 
 shape of his turnip head. 
 
 " Heavens ! Mr. Landlord, just jog your memory, and 
 see if you don't find in it a recollection of the ceremonies 
 
THE GEXEEAL AT WASHIN'GTON. 369 
 
 that Lave attended me on my journey here," ejaculated 
 the general, not a little crest-fallen that the host of so 
 popular an inn had no knowledge of one who had made 
 himself so famous in politics. 
 
 In fine, the landlord, sharp sighted as he was, puzzled 
 his wits not a little to find out what manner of men his 
 guests were, for he had never in liis life met so crude a 
 general, with a secretary so fashionable. The general, 
 however, happened to finger his purse, which contained 
 several gold coin, the color of which proved an excellent 
 panacea with the landloi'd, whose courtesy now knew no 
 bounds. In truth, he ordered them the best double bedded 
 room in his second story ; and from being somewhat taci- 
 turn, was now ready to vouchsafe a smile and ready reply 
 to all the general's questions, which were not a few. He 
 then invited them to write their names in his register, 
 which service the general said he would leave to his sec- 
 retary, Mr. Tickler, who performed it with great skill, nor 
 forgot to add the title, which he fancied would secure them 
 superior attentions. 
 
 And now, while these preliminaries were performing, 
 numerous fashionably dressed, but seemingly idle men, 
 gathered about the general, viewing him with a feeling 
 divided between curiosity and suspicion. Several military 
 men, too, who prided themselves not a little on their West 
 Point reputation, east sneers at him, saying he could not 
 be much of a general since he had not even heard the 
 drum beat at the Point. Others said it were impossible 
 so punch bellied a man could endure the fatigues of war, 
 especially when mounted ; while still others declared he 
 would pass readily for a fool,- if, indeed, he was not one of 
 those sham generals of whom New England had an infin- 
 ite number. The whole mob of military men, in fact, af- 
 fected to regard him with contempt, and would have 
 16* 
 
370 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POITER. 
 
 prayed Heaven to be lid of all such intruders, notwith- 
 standing they traveled with secretaries. 
 
 But there was in Washington another, and, perhaps, 
 not less influential class of men, who took a very differ- 
 ent view of the general, and, before he had been three 
 days in the city, sought by various impertinent questions 
 to ascertain the object of his visit, which they professed 
 to have the power to advance. And these men were lobby 
 agents, correspondents of newspapers, and adepts at all 
 sorts of schemes for plundering the treasurj', which they 
 represented as a very soft-sided concern, and so easy of 
 access that it only required a man of undaunted courage 
 to make a breach in it. Correspondents of newspapers 
 swore by their honor, which was the cheapest thing they 
 possessed, that if he had a project before Congress, they 
 could " get it through for him just as easy as the turning 
 of a mill wheel." Indeed if their declarations were worthy 
 of reliance, they could make any man famous for a trifle ; 
 and as for members of Congress, thej' had but to praise 
 them in their epistles to secure their votes in getting a 
 scheme through. I have never been set down for a malic- 
 ious writer ; but as these gentlemen correspondents 
 would have you believe, they had the nation and Con- 
 gress in their breeches pockets, I may say, without fear 
 of contradiction, that the devil never projected a scheme 
 they were not ready to aid, and equally ready to crook 
 their palms for the trifle that made it a virtue with them. 
 In fine, I am not so sure that they would not have en- 
 joined the whole calendar of saints to come forth and 
 bear testimony to their honesty, though they were abet- 
 ting a dozen dishonest schemes. 
 
 The cunning fellows also produced papers containing 
 dispatches setting forth that General Eoger Potter and 
 bis secretary had arrived, and taken rooms at Willard's. 
 
THE aENERAL AT WASHINGTON. 871 
 
 One more daring than the rest, said right in the teeth of 
 truth, that it was reported in diplomatic circles that Gen- 
 eral Potter would receive an important mission as his re- 
 ward for the great services he had rendered the democratic 
 party. Finally, after informing the nation, (which they fan- 
 cied was as deeply interested as themselves,) that General 
 Roger Potter's visit to Washington was connected with 
 as many as forty different things, they came to the very 
 convenient conclusion that he was really come to ask of 
 Congress compensation for extraordinary services ren- 
 dered the government by his dead ancestor, (living ones 
 he had none,) during the war of 1812, such being very 
 common at this day. And as nothing could be more fatal 
 to a claim before Congress than the fact that it was found- 
 ed in honesty, the lobby screw would swear by his abil- 
 ity to get all fictitious ones through. This was the result 
 of that indifference among Congressmen which makes the 
 distinction between justice and fraud something too insig- 
 nificant to waste time over. 
 
 The general declared with all his power of persuasion 
 that he had no claim before Congress ; and Tickler was 
 ready to swear to the truth of what he said. But divers 
 lobby men and correspondents refused to be convinced; and 
 after putting an infinite number of questions to him, swore 
 they would take it np, regardless of its character, and 
 " rush it through " Congress for twenty five per cent. 
 
 It ought to be mentioned here that the "correspond- 
 ent" esteems himself a much more respectable gentleman 
 than the " lobby agent," whom he affects to hold in vir.! 
 tuous contempt. More than once was the general warned 
 by these facile gentlemen of the press, not to have any- 
 thing to do with the vagabonds of the lobby, who, though 
 they gave it out that they had Congress between their 
 thumbs, and could double it up, and mould it exactly to 
 
372 ADVENTURES OP MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 their liking, were regarded by every member honest 
 enough not to crook Lis palm more than once during the 
 session, as so many buzzards resolved on having carrion. 
 
 The general had, however, been advised by Glanmore 
 gain to slip a trifle into the palms of certain correspond- 
 ents, to the end that their praise could do no harm, and 
 might do much good. • 
 
 Now there was living in Washington about this time, one 
 Ben Stretcher, a man of wonderful genius, and a corres- 
 pondent of no less than five very enterprising newspapers, 
 for all of which he manufactured wars and diplomatic ir- 
 ruptions with a facility that would have put Lord Stratford 
 de Radcliffe to the blush. Stretcher knew everbody in 
 Washington, and everybody in Washington knew Stretcher. 
 If an enterprising gentleman came to Washington with the 
 very hai-mless and common inclination of plucking the 
 government. Stretcher was sure to make his acquaintance, 
 and equally sure to find ont what feathers he had, and 
 how best they could be plucked. Wearing his beard after 
 the manner of an apostle, and having a countenance into 
 which he could infuse an air of great wisdom, Ben was 
 sure to insinuate himself into the good graces of every 
 new comer, to whom he would confide all the secrets of 
 the government, which he carried about on his head, as a 
 negro does a basket of apples. His skill at manufacturing 
 state secrets was, however, equaled only by bis skill for 
 finding out state secrets. The President never acted on 
 important state affairs without first consulting him. As to 
 cabinet ministers, he was not only the intimate friend and 
 adviser of the whole batch, but swore he had them all so 
 completely at his bidding, (being called on frequently to 
 rectify their blunders,) that no foreign appointment could 
 be made without his consent. Indeed, Ben Stretcher 
 never failed to assert, while drinking his punch, that noth- 
 
THE GENERAL AT WASHIXGTON. 873 
 
 ing was mo re easy than to double up Congress, Adminis- 
 tration, Cabinet, and tbe whole mob of office givers, put 
 them in one's pocket, and walk quietly off. Ben's greatest 
 wisdom was, however, displaj'ed to great advantage in the 
 facility with which he gave to the country matters of grave 
 importance that were to be transacted at various cabinet 
 meetings in prospective. In truth, he often made the 
 government cut a sorry figure in the eyes of those not 
 familiar with the art of making state secrets ; for being 
 "especial" correspondent of the numerous enterprising 
 newspapers I have referred to, he will to-day frighten the 
 country with an "exclusive" dispatch to the Daily Dis- 
 coverer, revealing the momentous fact (?) that a war with 
 England was inevitable; while with equal grandeur of equa- 
 nimity, he will to-morrow assert that there is not the 
 slightest cause to fear " a disturbance of the friendly in- 
 tercourse now existing between this country and Great 
 Britain." And these wonderful prophecies, together with 
 extraordinary state secrets, he would vary every day, ac- 
 cording to the demands of the public and his own taste. 
 Lucky, indeed, were the journals having Ben Stretcher 
 or a getter up of " startling" news, and many were they 
 ■who sought to engage his services. It was, nevertheless, 
 curious to see how Ben, smiling within himself, would, in a 
 third dispatch, assert that all his prophecies had been veri- 
 fied, though, heaven knows, he was generally as far off 
 the truth as the poles are from the equator. 
 
 In order not to lose time in paying his respects to so 
 distinguished a general, and a gentleman who, no doubt, 
 had important business with Congress, where his services 
 might find employment, Ben took the earliest oppoitunity 
 to make a formal call one day ; but finding only Mr. 
 Tickler at home, he relieved his disappointment in a coll- 
 oquy, which will he recorded in the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER XLI. 
 
 IN WHICH IS RECORDED A CURIOUS CONVERSATION THAT 
 TOOK PLACE BETWEEN STRETCHER, TICKLER, AND THE 
 GENERAL, AND WHAT THEY THOUGHT OF THE STATE 
 OF THE NATION. 
 
 Mr. Stretcher entered the general's room with his 
 head canted toward his left shoulder, his countenance 
 wearing an air of great wisdom, his hat in his left hand, 
 and the fingers of his right to his beard. " I take the 
 liberty of introducing myself, sir," lift spoke, and bowed 
 with becoming courtesy. " Ben Stretcher, that is my 
 name, which, perhaps, is familiar enough to you, being so 
 well known in Washington." 
 
 " Lord bless me ! why, the name is familiar enough, 
 God knows ; and it'll not be sayin' much to tell you that 
 my own name is Orlando Tickler, a critic who has fame 
 enough in New York, and of whom I take it you have 
 heard mention." 
 
 "Permit me to say, sir, that I am truly happy to meet 
 one so distinguished. As for the name, a household word 
 was never more familiar to me.'' They now shook each 
 other warmly by the hand, and after exchanging numer- 
 ous compliments, took seats, and commenced to converse 
 freely upon various subjects connected with the affairs of 
 the Union. And when they were agreed exactly as to 
 its disorders, and had fifty different remedies they were 
 ready to apply whenever the nation demanded their serv- 
 [374] 
 
A CURIOUS COX\'EESATION. 375 
 
 ices, Mr. Stretcher said to Mr. Tickler, " And now, sir, 
 as I am a man fond of rendering service to persons in need, 
 I am come (according to the rules of courtesy) to pay my 
 respects to the general, of whom it is reported that he is 
 come to Wasliington in search of an important mission. 
 It gives me infinite pleasure, however, to meet his secret- 
 ary. Now I would suggest to the general that I may be 
 of great service lo him, for I am a correspondent of not 
 less than five newspapers, and can make the Administra- 
 tion do my bidding" 
 
 " Faith, " ejaculatated Mr. Tickler, in reply, " I am glad 
 enough to hear what you say, for my master has need 
 enough of your services to get the mission ; and I may tell 
 you in confidence that I have much cause of despairing, 
 for although I know but little of my master, except what 
 I get through the newspapers, I already begin to see 
 that he is simpleton enough for anything, and no little of 
 a knave.'' 
 
 " You astonish me ! " interrupted Mr. Stretcher, thought- 
 fully. 
 
 " Faith of my father," resumed Tickler, folding his 
 arms, " I see nothing to be astonished at, for I take it any 
 simpleton may set up for a statesman, and if he have but 
 a fair mixture of the knave to throw in, he may carry the 
 gifts of the government in his breeches pockets ; also, if 
 the devil do not cai-ry him off in one of his pranks, he will 
 no doubt distinguish liimself as a foreign minister." Here 
 Mr. Tickler paused for a moment, and then bid the gentle- 
 man of the five newspapers, and all the administration, to 
 remember that these remarks were made in confidence. 
 
 " I confess, Mr. Tickler," replied Mr. Stretcher, " I ad- 
 mire your plain manner of*speech. But you surprise and 
 astonish me with what you say of the soundness of the 
 general's understanding. In truth, sir, though I know 
 
376 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 something of the arts practiced by editors in making fam- 
 ous politicians, I had read a speech or two made by the 
 general and upon the wisdom therein contained set 
 him down for a profound scholar, and no small statesman. 
 However, this I will say, and pledge my reputation on 
 the truth of it, that if he be no scholar, but simply an un- 
 mitigated mixture of Jew and simpleton, it will rather im- 
 prove than damage his prospects for the best foreign 
 mission in the gift of the government. Do not mistake 
 me, sir ; for I would not say a damaging word of our ex- 
 cellent President, whose too great goodness of heart may 
 account for his lack of discretion ; but he has a passion 
 for bestowing gifts on Jews and simpletons, of which his- 
 tory affords no example ! " 
 
 " Faith of my father ! if that be the case, then my master 
 will get as fat a slice as any of them," rejoined Tickler, 
 rising from his seat with regained spirits, and grasping 
 the other warmly by the hand. " And now, seeing that 
 we fellow kindred professions, we will be free in our ad- 
 vances, and settle this matter over a punch." ilr. Tickler 
 rang the bell, and when the servant appeared, ordered 
 two stout punches. Having exchanged compliments, and 
 commenced sipping at their straws, Mr. Tickler touched 
 the man of the newspapers confidentially on the arm, and 
 whispered in his ear, that not having a dollar to his pock- 
 et, he began to think General Roger Potter, as he was 
 called, had brought him to a whistling market, on a fool's 
 errand. " Honestly, friend," he continued, " I was when 
 you entered thinking how best to escape the landlord, for 
 I see he is a sharp fellow ; and this paying two dollars 
 and three quarters a day is a thing not so easily done 
 with an empty pocket." 
 
 " A very common thing, a very common thing, Mr. 
 Tickler ; and though the wits of the landlord are sharp 
 
A CURIOUS CONVERSATION. 377 
 
 enougli, it is no rare thing for him to get shorn by those 
 who seek meat-offerings of the government." 
 
 Here Tickler's mind seemed to run back to a subject 
 upon which it was wont to dwell — the style of his dress. 
 And, throwing himself back in his chair, he raised his 
 right foot upon his left knee, and inquired of Mr. Stretch- 
 er how he liked the style of his boots, which were of the 
 brightest leather, and so tight that when he walked, it 
 was with the caution of one stepping upon eggs, and in 
 fear of having to pay for the broken ones. Stretcher 
 expressed himself delighted. In truth, he was not long 
 in discerning the critic's little weaknesses ; and to the 
 end of flattering them, told him that he was in every parti- 
 cular of dress, the most stylish gentleman it had been his 
 good fortune to meet for many a day. And this so pleased 
 Mr. Tickler, that he would have ordered a second punch, 
 but that the adept declared it was a custom with him 
 never to drink more than one, not even with his oldest 
 friends. 
 
 And though Stretcher drank his punch freely enough, 
 he was somewhat disappointed at the developments made 
 by the critic concerning his master. As for the secretary, 
 he set him down in his heart as not only a curious speci- 
 men of pedantry, but the most fashionable poor gentle- 
 man he had ever seen in search of oflice ; and heaven 
 knows he had seen enough of them. 
 
 " It is said of the general," spoke Stretcher, laconically, 
 as ho set down his glass and commenced to stroke his 
 beard, " that he has means enough at his command ! " 
 
 " Upon my faith I know but little of his means, ex- 
 cept that I have seen him with a purse full of gold, which 
 is saying something for his means. And he pays readily 
 enough for all he gets, which is more." 
 
 Mr. Tickler said this with such an air of self-confidence. 
 
378 ADVENTURES OP MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 that Stretcher immediately began to exhibit signs of 
 anxiety, and was proceeding to make further inq^uiries, 
 when the door opened and General Koger Potter stalked 
 in, quite out of breath from the excess of heat. Mr. Tick- 
 ler having drained his punch to the bottom, proceeded 
 without further ceremony to introduce Mr. Stretcher, 
 undertaking at the same time to give the general an 
 account of his business, as also the wonderful influence he 
 had over the various heads of departments. The gen- 
 eral expressed great delight at meeting so influential a 
 gentleman ; and seeing that he had the government be- 
 tween his thumbs, at once intimated a desire to engage 
 his services. Not to be outdone in courtesy, Mr. Stretch- 
 er expressed great delight at meeting so distinguished a 
 General. " It would neither become me, nor the profes- 
 sion to which I belong to speak of myself; for though I 
 have gained fame enough in politics, my military rep- 
 utation stands so high with the nation that no man can 
 take it down," spoke the general. 
 
 " For that matter you speak true enough, Sir," replied 
 Mr. Stretcher, smiling and bowing blandly ; " and, as I 
 was just saying to your secretary, you have served the 
 party like a patriot, and deserve well of the government. 
 If it is an o£Sce you seek, why, you have only to name 
 it, and 1 warrant it shall be safe in your pocket in forty- 
 eight hours.'' 
 
 " Since you are capable of such extraordinary achieve- 
 ments, upon my soul, sir, you are just the man for my 
 business." 
 
 " I can tell you, general, no man can say of Ben Stretch- 
 er that he ever betrayed his trust ; no man can say of 
 Ben Stretcher that he cannot twist the government round 
 his thumbs ; and no man can say of Ben Stretcher that he 
 artfully connived at doing wrong ; for he knows his thread 
 
A CURIOUS CONVERSATION. 379 
 
 of life lias not long to run. Truly, sir, though many a man 
 has tried hard enough to bring me down to his own level, 
 not one has yet been found to raise his finger against my 
 honor ; and if you engage my services, I warrant to give 
 you proof enough of my qualifications." 
 
 The general listened attentively to the adept's remarks, 
 and after a short pause, spoke and said, " And now, sir, 
 seeing that you have suflScient endowments for my busi- 
 ness, before proceeding further in this matter we will 
 have a punch ; for that will >:often the heart, and at the 
 same time give such light to ine mind, as vrill enable us to 
 talk tlie matter over pleasantly." 
 
 After turning to Mr. Tickler and apologizing for having 
 declined a second punch with him, he then made his com- 
 pliments to the general, saying that as the occasion was 
 a rare one he would make an exception to what was other- 
 wise a firmly established principle with him. 
 
 " Faith," interposed Mr. Tickler, on hearing the punch 
 suggested, " you both talk like men of the world and 
 scholars ; for a punch is a mighty potent in matters of 
 this kind." 
 
 The punches were up in a trice ; and while Mr. Stretch- 
 er and the general debated their affairs over them, Mr. 
 Tickler quietly sipped his in the corner. 
 
 " To be honest with you," spoke the general, address- 
 ing Mr. Stretcher, " I am come here in the hope of get- 
 ting a i-eward for my services, which is no uncommon 
 thing ; and as I take it there are many worse men than me 
 serving the country, I flatter myself I stand a fair chance, 
 seeing that my expectations are neither extravagant nor 
 unwise. I am also of opinion that a man should think 
 more of his country and less of his pocket ; and to that 
 tnd it will content me to be sent a commissioner to the 
 King of the Kaloramas, though it would be natural enough 
 
380 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 not to refuse the mission to the Tuilleiies. As for the 
 secretaries, I have paid my respects to the whole batch ; 
 and though they are willirg enough to say good things of 
 me, and to extol my political achievements, they say pleas- 
 antly enough that the commonwealth could not do with- 
 out me, and, therefore, that I must stay quietly at home. 
 In short, they tell me that only such talent as is worth- 
 less at home can be spared to go abroad. The president 
 I found a most excellent gentleman, ready to gratify my 
 wishes, and to give me at least six of the seven missions 
 in his gift. In truth, I found him a person ready to 
 please in various ways, and take it that he has a liking for 
 adorers, such as have little scruple in lavishing praise upon 
 his well regulated government, the solidity of which, it 
 is well enough to say, he has raised a pitch higher than 
 any of his predecessors." 
 
 " You have it, exactly ! " interrupted Mr. Stretcher. 
 " He is possessed of wonderful faith ; and if you want a 
 favor of him you have only to ply him with such toys 
 and trinkets as you have named to secure it. If, however, 
 (and I take what you say for truth,) you are patient 
 enough to be content with a commissionship to the King 
 of the Kaloramas, th«re will be no more trouble about the 
 matter than the making of a bird cage.'' 
 
 " Ah, sir ! but how am I to reward you for your services ? 
 for a man is not expected to be a philanthropist in these 
 matters, and my wife Polly Potter always said it was 
 cheaper that a man pays for what he gets," returned the 
 general. The adept charged the general to give himself 
 no concern about that little matter, but merely to set it 
 down for an after consideration. And to this they both 
 agreed, and emptied their punches in the full belief that 
 they were all-bountiful in the power of constructing com- 
 monwealths and managing governments. " Faith, it is 
 
A CURIOUS CONVEESATION. 381 
 
 just come to my mind that the president good-naturedly 
 advised me to forthwith transmit my application in writ- 
 ing to the State Department," spoke the general, as if 
 just waking to a sense of his obligations. To this Stretch- 
 er said nothing was more essential, and as much depended 
 on the style and wording of the application (at which he 
 had experienced enough), he enjoined the general to de- 
 lay this matter until the following morning, when he 
 would arrange it to his liking. Mr. Stretcher then took 
 his leave, consoling himself that he had got a fleece t)f 
 great value. And now as the limits of my chapter are 
 exhausted, I must beg the reader to turn to the next for 
 what took place on the following morning. 
 
CHAPTER XLII. 
 
 WHICH RECORDS THE SINGULAR CHARACTER OF THE 
 APPIJCATION MADE BY GENERAL ROGER POTTER FOR 
 AN OFFICE, AND HOW HE IS SENT MINISTER TO THE 
 KING OF THE KALORAMAS, THAT BEING THE EASIEST 
 METHOD OF GETTING RID OF HIM. 
 
 Strktcher, after having looked in at the State Depart- 
 ment, where he extolled the qualifications of General Rog- 
 er Potter in language that would have astonished Cicero 
 and put Lycurgus to the hlush, busied himself the greater 
 portion of the night in preparing the general's application 
 for the mission to the King of the Kaloramas, a nation of 
 savages few had heard of, and yet fewer visited. In 
 short, I may mention here that the only benefit the gov- 
 ernment expected to dei-ive from going to the great ex- 
 pense of sending a minister to Kalorama was that the 
 savage, whom divers renegades had set up for a King, 
 might have a guano island or two, which by some well- 
 directed trick could be fritted away from him ; while, hav- 
 ing impressed him with the greatness of our prowess, he 
 would holiJ it good policy to keep his peace. With a 
 ponderous document, then, covering some forty pages of 
 foolscap, and minutely setting forth all the great political 
 results achieved by the general, and upon which he based 
 liis claims to the high consideration of the administration, 
 Mr. Stretcher, not a little vain of his skill in drafting such 
 instruments, entered the general's room early on the fol- 
 [382] 
 
HIS APPLICATION- FOR OFFICE. 383 
 
 lowing morning, anJ found him in consultation with his 
 Secretary, vvho was writing a letter to the Secretary of 
 State, of which the following is an exact copy : — 
 
 " Willard's Hotel, July 7th, 185-. 
 " To His Excellency the Secretary of State : 
 
 " Being informed by my friend, the President of these 
 United States, who has given me no few assurances of his 
 inclination to serve me, that it was to you all those in 
 search of rewards for their endeavors must address them- 
 selves, I take it you will not set me down for a maker of 
 wheel-barrows when you read this, my application for the 
 mission to the King of Kalorama, which God knows is but 
 a trifle, though I am willing to accept it out of respect for 
 the man who is ready to die honest, and has no itching for 
 what money he may get of his country. As to my qual- 
 ifications, I take it you know enough of them already. 
 But this I will say, that I am not a man to betray a 
 trust, nor am I trickey ; which is more than all of your 
 ministers can say of themselves ! In short, if your ex- 
 cellency would know all about that, I can refer you to 
 Barnstable, where I am set down for a peaceable neigh- 
 bor and as good a Christian as any of them. But I have 
 heard it said that diplomacy was only a tissue of schem- 
 ing to get the advantage over a weak neighbor ; there- 
 fore it is as well to be silent on my Christianity, seeing 
 that such is not adapted to the business required of a good 
 minister. And though I am ready to pledge my military 
 reputation (which I got in Mexico) neither to get into 
 controversies with editors, nor to fight duels for what may 
 be said of my wife Polly's muslin ; nor indeed to cut up 
 such queer pranks with all who come in my way that I shall 
 be wondered at ; nor to leave my debts unpaid, which is 
 common enough with our young diplomatists, I will give 
 
•J 84 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 battle to all sorts of wickedness which is the mother of 
 despotism. This last I say because I have a Damascus 
 blade that achieved wonders in Mexico, and to this day is 
 as good as new. Grant but my request, and I will see 
 well to this savage. And if he behave like a gentleman 
 there shall be peace between us ; but if he be obstinate, 
 and cut lip capers, and put himself upon his dignity, then 
 I engage to get as many of his Islands as you shall com- 
 mand, which, judging from the gravity of your nature, I am 
 sure you will value as so many pearls. But I pray your 
 excellency to say to my friend the President that I have a 
 rare talent for conducting governments, and am in favor 
 of taking Cuba by the beard without all this coaxing round 
 the bush, which reminds me of the means used to decoy a 
 tender-hearted virgin. In short, as to that, I will turn 
 my back to no man for my faith in what destiny owes us, 
 and pray that the whole continent may soon be ours. 
 
 " Having said thus much, please write me down a man 
 who will fulfill his promises, though sent to the remotest 
 end of the earth. And here let me mention that it is re- 
 ported of the administration that it has a passion for mak- 
 ing ministers of unconverted Jews, and such other shabby 
 politicians as the country can well spare. Now, though it 
 may damage my prospects, I will tell you honestly that 
 General Roger Potter never during his whole life traf- 
 ficked in cheap gallantry and old uniforms. Truly, your 
 excellency, I am neither Jew nor shabby gentleman, but 
 as honest a Christian as can be found ; and for that mat- 
 ter take it that my claim to the apples ought at least to 
 be equal. 
 
 " As a recommendation of great value, I have been ad- 
 vised to state that I have no language at my tongue's end 
 but my own ; and, in truth, that needs much polishing. 
 And most likely this savage king will be found in the 
 
HIS APPLICATION FOR OFFICE. 385 
 
 same predicament, which is well for him ; for if he had a 
 whole Babylon of tongues in his head, like the three 
 learned executioners of Putnam's Magazine, the devil 
 would get his kingdom and leave him a beggar. Now as 
 this savage can only speak his own tongue, you may fancy 
 the solitude that must yawn between us. We may say 
 what we please of one another without rendering our ac- 
 tions dangerous. Faith, as my Secretary says, it seems to 
 me we may entertain a mutually magnificent opinion of 
 each other without danger of disturbing the dragons. And 
 if we commit blunders it will be convenient to charge them 
 all to the deficiency of our tongues. 
 
 " And now, your excellency, if these qualifications be 
 not enough, pray remember that I have as many more in 
 store. Be not timorous in the matter, but ponder well 
 over my claims to your consideration ; and if it please 
 you to grant my prayer, I will accept the boon with as 
 many thanks as you may demand. 
 
 " Your Excellency's Humble Servant, 
 
 " General Eoger Sherman Potter." 
 
 " Heavens, sir ! " exclaimed the accommodating Mr. 
 Stretcher, as the general read to him what he had pre- 
 pared, " but you have left the perfecting of this business 
 to me. Let me beseech you, then, not to dispatch such a 
 letter, for I am not the man to question your abilities ; but 
 having got the matter in train, you must not knock the 
 fruit down before it is ripe. Here your honor will find a 
 document in every way suited to the purpose." Mr. 
 Stretcher here produced a ponderous paper, wherein every 
 speech made by the general was carefully referred to, 
 and also no end of political achievemeiits set down to his 
 credit ; such, in fine, as would have defied the skill of a 
 dozen politicians of such inferior calibre as Clay and Web- 
 17 
 
386 ADVEXTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ster. The general seemed a little chary of this big doc- 
 ument, and took it in his fingers somewhat reluctantly. 
 And as he did so, Mr. Tickler, who until then had re- 
 mained silent, spoke up and said, " By my faith, gentle- 
 men, had the matter been left to me, they should have had 
 proof of my knowledge of Latin in the sentences, for I 
 have heard it said that Secretaries of State are fond of it. 
 But I will smoke my cigar and leave the rest to you." 
 
 " As for your Latin, friend Tickler," replied the general, 
 affecting to read the ponderous document Stretcher was 
 waiting in great anxiety for a verdict upon, " we will say 
 no more about that, for it occurs to me you made it do 
 good service at the Xew York Hotel." This so put the 
 matter at rest with Mr. Tickler that he held his peace 
 and smoked his cigar. " Upon my word, sir," resumed 
 the general, addressing himself to Mr. Stretcher, "it will 
 be a perilous adventure to send so ponderous a document 
 to the State Department when business is pressing and 
 time precious. Being a timid man, the secretary will lay 
 it over for to-morrow, and to-morrow he will think no more 
 of it. But suppose we compromise this matter, Mi-. Stretch- 
 er. Let both documents be sent, and if one have virtue, 
 surely two cannot fail to effect our object." 
 
 '' Surely, general, you are blind to your own interests, 
 and respect not my reputation," replied Mr. Stretcher, go- 
 ing right into a passion, and so far forgetting what be- 
 longed to good manners as to say he verily believed the 
 general a trifling simpleton, who was resolved on making 
 an ass of himself in the eyes of the administration, as well 
 as doing him (Stretcher) out of the pay for his services 
 And this so excited the ire of the general, who was scru- 
 pulous of his honor, as well as vain of his good under- 
 standing, that he forthwith proceeded to take down his 
 sword, swearing to have summary vengeance of the man 
 
HIS APPLICATION FOE OFFICE. 387 
 
 who dared to cast such reflections upon his dignity. See- 
 ing this Mr. Stretcher took to his heels, the general say- 
 ing it was well he did or he had cleft him in two pieces. 
 And while the excited general stood brandishing his sword 
 in the door, Mr. Stretcher shouted back from a corner of 
 the passage, that unless his demand for services, which 
 were two hundred dollars, be settled at high noon, he 
 would see what virtue there was in the law. 
 
CHAPTER XLIII. 
 
 WHICH EECOEDS HOW THE GENERAL GOT HIS COM- 
 MISSION, AND EBTUENED TO NEW YORK, WITH SEV- 
 ERAL OTHER THINGS COMMON TO POLITICIANS. 
 
 Several days had elapsed, the general's letter was be- 
 fore the cabinet, and many were the speculations as to 
 what sort of a mission a man with such strange intellect 
 was capable of filling. It must be confessed that his let- 
 ter afforded the cabinet no little diversion ; indeed, many 
 were the members who marvelled at the queer mixture 
 of sense and nonsense it contained. And the more they 
 amused themselves in pondering over it, the more did they 
 seem to find veins of good sense concealed in it. If, then, 
 one agreed he was fool enough to be harmless in his asso- 
 ciations with the people to whom he might be accredited, 
 certainly if sent to some obscure and remote part of the 
 earth, he had sense enough for the small service that would 
 be required of him as a diplomatist. And as a dumb man 
 could perform some excellent parts when left to himself, 
 and was sure not to get into mischief from the too free use 
 of his tongue, so also would there be peace between na- 
 tions, the representatives of which would not understand 
 each other. Another agreed that it were strange indeed 
 that a man who had been so feted by the authorities of 
 New York, and was represented by the newspapers as 
 having rendered such important services to his party 
 should apply for a mission so obscure. But on further 
 consideration this was set down to his credit ; for it was 
 [388] 
 
HE GETS HIS COMMISSION. 389 
 
 held that though he might be -wild and extravagant in 
 some things, he had at least the virtue of being modest in 
 bis demands, which was rare in office-seekers at this day. 
 Turther, there could not be a doubt but that he was one 
 of those persevering gentlemen who would give the de- 
 partment much annojtince with his importunities, and the 
 shortest method of getting rid of him would be to give him 
 the mission. It was, therefore, jocularly agreed to grant 
 his prayer ; and the Secretary was forthwith charged to 
 prepare his instructions and provide him with the neces- 
 sary credentials. 
 
 A few days passed, and divers correspondents of news- 
 papers famous for getting early news flashed over the 
 wires, to the no small surprise of the nation, the impor- 
 tant intelligence that General Eoger Sherman Potter 
 was appointed " charge de affairs " to the King of the 
 Kaloramas. And this bit of very important news set 
 many gentlemen well-read in geography to puzzling their 
 wits to find out the exact location of this wonderful king- 
 dom. Nor could they divine what benefit it was to be the 
 good foi'tune of our government to derive from such a 
 strange mission, though diplomacy had so many intricate 
 labyrinths that it were impossible for the ordinary mind 
 to keep trace of all its objects. If, thought many, Kalo- 
 rama were a wild of uncultivated deserts, upon which the 
 burning rays of a tropical sun beat without clemency, he 
 who would face its terrors must have the courage of a 
 dragon. But none of these trifles disturbed the equanim- 
 ity of the general, who regarded this appointment in the 
 light of another feather in his fame. He also had the 
 good sense not to go into raptures over his appointment ; 
 but to follow out the instructions given him by Glanmore- 
 gain, who took a more comprehensive, if not a strictly 
 diplomatic, view of the matter and its future results. 
 
390 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 The government did, also, in the kindest manner, grant 
 the general's prayer that Mr. Tickler (of whose gallantry 
 and great learning he spoke in praises that would have se- 
 cured a dozen appointments,) be appointed his secretary. 
 Nothing then remained but the approval of the Senate ; 
 and as he reposed quite as much in his extraordinary val- 
 ue to the nation as that wonderful Wall Street general 
 who now and then sends forth a whole gasometer of dip- 
 lomacy from his little sanctum, so also did he, having got 
 his appointment safe between his thumbs, snap his fin- 
 gers at the Senate. In truth, he set an extravagant val- 
 ue upon his worth to the nation, and the honor that would 
 be conferred upon it in having so great a general to rep- 
 resent it abroad ! His most absorbing thought, then, was 
 how he could make the most speed in getting to the place 
 of his appointment, where he already began to fancy him- 
 self committing no end of diplomatic exploits, as a pink 
 and flower of a general ought to do. 
 
 And now, feeling the tremendous demands of the na- 
 tion upon his shoulders, and fancying every eye turned 
 upon him, he drew his chair beside Tickler one day, and 
 spoke as follows : " Friend, you shall know more of me 
 when you have been longer in my service. I have al- 
 ready made you a great man ; for as you know by this 
 time, the office of Secretary to my legation is great enough 
 in all conscience. Some men have a stomach for office 
 like a cormorant, which is a serious scourge to the nation. 
 Pray, sir, if you have a turn that way, get rid of it before 
 another moon." 
 
 "By my honor, general, I've no such craving; for I 
 was content enough before I saw you to live a poor critic, 
 and never thought of being a Secretary. But tell me, 
 what sort of a king is this w'e are sent to ; for with all my 
 reading I have never heard of him before ? " 
 
HE GETS HIS COMIIISSION. 391 
 
 " By heavens, sir ! I know as little of him as yourself; 
 but I take it he is a savage who it will recjuire some fight- 
 ing before he yields to all the demands I shall make of 
 him." 
 
 " Now as to this fighting, your honor may excuse me ; 
 for though I have knocked a man or two down with my 
 stick, and will turn my back to no man in valor at pen- 
 fighting, I have no liking for these knives and pistols, for 
 at best there is only an inch or two between them and a 
 man's life.'' 
 
 " You must cultivate your courage, friend Tickler ; you 
 must cultivate your courage ! " interposed the general, as 
 Mr. Tickler quietly drew a fresh cigar from his pocket. 
 " The day is come when, if a man would live in a man- 
 sion, he must have an undaunted heart, and courage 
 enough to commend himself to whatever may turn to his 
 advantage. You shall have chances enough to fill your 
 pockets with gold. And now that we have these govern- 
 ment matters to attend to, you shall soon see that Gen- 
 eral Eoger Potter can manage a nation as well as any 
 of them, if the clergy but let him alone." 
 
 " As to the gold, general, I pray the day may soon 
 come ; for I like to feel something in my pocket, which 
 is lean enough now," rejoined the critic, casting an anx- 
 ious look at his chief. 
 
 " Trust to fortune, and I warrant you a castle and so 
 much gold that every malicious scribbler you have had a 
 tilt with shall speak ill of you." 
 
 Tickler was inclined to look upon the castle as one of 
 those he had so many times built of air, and declared that 
 in addition to not having enough to buy a cigar, he had 
 several times caught the landlord's eye, and knew that 
 his bill was uppermost in his thoughts. 
 
 '' Remember, friend," resumed the general, " the law 
 
392 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTKR. 
 
 will not let him liang you ; and as he has been paid for 
 one week, I take it there will be no moral harm if you 
 shell him out of the rest, as you did the widow. Nor does 
 it discover great valor in a man that he arm himself with 
 his fears instead of his sword. It is necessary that you 
 be firm and fearless, never for a moment deserting your 
 chief, and always standing ready to do his bidding, if it 
 be to make his enemies dance.'' 
 
 " Love of my mother, sir ! " ejaculated Tickler, " you 
 would not have me shell this landlord ; for then it would 
 get into the newspapers, and I'd be set down for a great 
 rogue." 
 
 " Sharp fellow as he is, I take you, friend Tickler, for 
 a sharper. And as you had skill enough to shell a wid- 
 ow, pray let your inclination take a natural turn, and if 
 you cannot shell this fellow out of so small a trifle, then I 
 am much mistaken in your qualities for a diplomatist ; for 
 T can tell you that it is come a fashion at this day for all 
 our first-class secx-etaries to get well in debt, and then 
 leave their creditors to whistle. Now, as my purse is get- 
 ting low, and it will not do to let the nation suffer, do you 
 pack up a couple of shirts, and heeding nobody, pass down 
 the avenue, affecting the unconcern of the new member 
 from Georgia ; and when you have reached the cars (if 
 any man saj' aught, tell him you are seeing a friend off) 
 go quietly away in them, thanking Heaven for the 
 bountiful examples that have been set you by high offi- 
 cials. Here ! here are ten dollars ; get speedily away, 
 and I will join you in Baltimore. Fail not to meet me, 
 for the nation needs all our efforts, and this is no time to 
 trifle." 
 
 Tickler revolved this matter over and over in his mind ; 
 then be remembered how many ladies there were esteem- 
 ing him for a gallant Irish gentleman. If this affair got into 
 
HE GETS HIS COMMISSION. 393 
 
 the newspapers, Le thought, it might seriously damage 
 him with the sex, of whose good opinion none could he 
 more scrupulous. Suddenly he rememhered that he was 
 now Secretary of Legation, and with the examples set by 
 several of his illustrious predecessors, he was not long in 
 concluding there could be no harm in taking to his heels, 
 and letting the landlord's concern about his bill offset for 
 the shabby table he set. Also, the general had promised 
 to make him as good a soldier as he had been a critic ! 
 And the ten dollars would, if he chanced not to meet some 
 damsel of his acquaintance by the way, he enough for him 
 to live fashionably for at least a week. 
 
 " It is well enough to think of your honor, friend Tick- 
 ler ; I think none the worse of you for that. But when 
 you have disappeared I will raise my hands and swear 
 there has been foul play ; that you have been waylaid 
 and despatched (having a full purse in your pocket) by 
 those murdering villains who infest the city ; that the 
 government had better bestir it«elf in the matter." Thus 
 spoke the general ; and soon they settled the matter be- 
 tween them, and Mr. Tickler, consoling himself that the 
 landlord was a shabby fellow, proceeded forthwith to the 
 cars, and was soon on the road to Baltimore. 
 
 Several days elapsed, and, as might naturally be ex- 
 pected, a great stir was made about Mr. Tickler's strange 
 disappearance, concerning which the general expressed 
 great anxiety, offering to put up at least a thousand dol- 
 lars as a reward to any person who would clear up the 
 mystery. One declared he had seen Tickler in company 
 with General Sam Houston ; another was willing to swear 
 in court that he saw him last in the company of Senator 
 Douglas ; and still another would have sworn he saw him 
 on the day after his departure in the company of one 
 Dabney Grimkey, a writer of sensation novels ; and that 
 17* 
 
39-i ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 both were entering a house of suspicious character, on the 
 island, the inmates of which ought all to he arrested and 
 made to give an account of themselves. Indeed, simple- 
 ton as the major was, he had cunning enough for the 
 whole of them, and initiated his diplomatic career by dis- 
 pelling all their suspicions. I ought, however, to except 
 the landlord, whose experience in such matters caused 
 him to hare a misgiving that all was not exactly right 
 
 When then General Potter gave notice of his intended 
 departure, and demanded his bill, the clever landlord was 
 careful to add the amount due from Mr. Tickler. This 
 was quickly disputed, and as there was no law by which 
 the host could compel payment, and the general declared 
 he was a gentleman who only bore him company out of 
 sheer politeness, he set to rubbing his palms in disap- 
 pointment, swore no few oaths, and promised himself to 
 be careful in future how he entertained generals traveling 
 with secretaries. To all this the general remained un- 
 concerned ; and having but little baggage, took his de- 
 parture for New York, Mr. Stretcher, who had been mi- 
 nutely watching his movements, following the carriage 
 and importuning for the amount of his demand for services 
 rendered as an adept. But the general only snapped his 
 fingers, and reminded the adept that it was agreed be- 
 tween them to -et so small an affair remain " an after con- 
 Bideiaticc." 
 
CHAPTER XLIV. 
 
 WHICH TBEATS OF A GRIEVOUS DISAPPOINTMENT, AS 
 WELL AS MANY THINGS OF GEEiT INTEREST THAT 
 TOOK PLACE ON THE GENEEAL's EETURN TO NEW 
 YORK. 
 
 It was evening when the general reached Baltimore, 
 thanking Heaven that he was safe out of a city where it 
 was the fashion with gentlemen who were not sharp enough 
 to fleece the government to turn upon and fleece one anoth- 
 er, and to let strangers look elsewhere for mercy. Elat- 
 ed that he was a minister, our hero took up his valise 
 and straightway proceeded to the Gilmore House, since it 
 would not do for so famous a diplomatist to put up at one 
 of your shabby hotels. And here, having entered with all 
 the pomp of bis nature, he slyly whispered to the clerk who 
 he was, and desired that he would enter his name in this 
 wise : " General Roger Sherman Potter, Minister Pleni- 
 potentiary to the King of the Kaloramas." And this de- 
 licious bit of rodomontade being satisfactorily performed, 
 it was with great difficulty the bystanders could restrain 
 their laughter. Then the stubby little figure, casting a 
 half-simple glance at every one he met, waddled up and 
 down the hall, looking in curiously at every open door, 
 and at times vouchsafing a bow to those he never had 
 seen before. And when he had hobbled about to his 
 satisfaction, he approached the desk and anxiously in- 
 quired of the clerk for his secretary, Mr. Tickler ; but to 
 [395] 
 
396 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 his surprise and great disappointment no one at that house 
 had heard aught of such a person. 
 
 The general was now much concerned about his secre- 
 tary. All sorts of things evil and suspicious did he fancy ; 
 but they only served to increase his anxiety. In truth, 
 it now seemed that what he had only intended for a joke 
 when leaving Willard's might turn out a very serious af- 
 fair. Some prowling villain might have slyly put him out 
 of the way, and there was an end to all the pains and ex- 
 pense he had been at to instruct him in the ways of a 
 good secretary. There was a bare possibility, however, 
 that much as the affairs of the nation required their undi- 
 vided attention, Mr. Tickler, who had in more than one 
 instance given proof of having a touch of the gallantry 
 common to the true Irish gentleman in his composition, 
 might have fallen in with some damsel whose charms 
 were stronger than the demands of the nation. But as 
 he had reposed great trust in his secretary, so also did he 
 find it no very difficult task to banish these suspicions. 
 When then he had eaten his supper, which he did in great 
 tribulation, he sallied out in the hope of obtaining some 
 tidings of him at the various inns throughout the city. 
 But the search proved fruitless, and he returned to the 
 GUmore, still more puzzled to find an explanation for so 
 strange a mystery. He went to bed when bed-time came ; 
 hut it was only to dream of wonderful exploits perfoi-med 
 by himself in foreign lands, and awake to lament the loss 
 of his secretary. 
 
 When then morning came he took his departure, proceed- 
 ing by the early train to New York ; for he held it good 
 policy to get away as speedily as possible, lest his arrival 
 get noised over the city and he be called upon to address 
 some public assemblage, which might put him to great in- 
 convenience in the absence of his secretary ; for though 
 
A SERIOUS DISAPPOINTMENT. 397 
 
 he boasted that he had a profound way of his own for ef- 
 fecting purposes, he was not expert at fine writing. 
 
 While then the train swept onward toward Philadel- 
 phia, various reflections crowded upon the general's mind, 
 and he said to himself: " Perhaps it had been as well for 
 me to have allowed the fellow fixed wages ; for, being a 
 critic, which means that he is not a man to comprehend 
 the greatness of rewards that may be in the future, he 
 might have said, ' Heaven help me ! ' and taken to his 
 old business." Again it flashed across his mind that if 
 Tickler's courage was not quite up to the mark, he might 
 have decided to try the virtue of his heels now, rather 
 than trust them when facing a villainous enemy on the 
 field of battle. But all these speculations proved mere 
 hauntings of the brain ; since when he arrived at the 6i- 
 rard House in Philadelphia, he found to his great surprise 
 that " Mr. and Mrs. Tickler " had stopped to take dinner 
 while passing that way a couple of days ago. " Faith of 
 my father 1 " exclaimed the general, laughing in his sleeve^ 
 " either some one has told me, or I have read it in books, 
 that all really good secretaries have a turn for these little 
 gallantries. And if I understand the matter right, it is an 
 excellent proof that he has the capacity for as great a sec- 
 retary as any of them. In short, I have no doubt but 
 that he is possessed of the rare faculty of giving his head 
 to the nation, and his heart to as many damsels as may 
 have a liking for it.'' 
 
 Being informed that his secretary had taken the road 
 to New York, the general was further encouraged by the 
 hope of meeting him there, and therefore proceeded on 
 his journey without further concern, arriving at the St. 
 Nicholas in due season, to the great delight of every guest 
 in the house. Days and even weeks rolled past, but no 
 tidings could he got of Mr. Tickler. His faithful horse 
 
398 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTl'ER. 
 
 was there, and had so improved as to conduct himself 
 quite like a youth. Even his pig had not proved untrue 
 to him. In short, Duncan was a great favorite with the 
 public, and so many good opinions had heen given of 
 him by the critics, that Barnum proposed to purchase him 
 outright, to the end that he might make him a feature of 
 his museum. And although he offered for him a sum 
 large enough to send three missionaries to Africa, the 
 general said that the affection he bore the animal was 
 such that h« could not think of parting with him. In- 
 deed, everything but the general's secretary seemed to 
 have remained true to him. He now began to feel him- 
 self overwhelmed with responsibilities ; for while he fan- 
 cied the nation demanding great things of him on one side, 
 the Administration urged him to prepare for Kalorama 
 without delay. But what made the loss of Tickler more 
 overwhelming was, that numerous and very distinguished 
 political friends called to congratulate him on his appoint- 
 ment, which they described as sure to result in important 
 advantages to the nation. Not a few proposed giving a 
 banquet in honor of him on the eve of his departure — a 
 custom which had become so common at this day that no 
 distinguished minister ever thought of leaving without it. 
 But this the general serenely declined, giving as a reason 
 that he had heard it said how the gentlemen most busy in 
 getting up these banquets left the payment to him who 
 got the glory. He also had a slight recollection of what 
 it cost him for the homage of the city fathers, and re- 
 solved to keep his fingers out of the pitch-pot for the fu- 
 ture. 
 
 Like a good husband and a true hero, he visited his 
 wife Polly, comforted her with a purse of gold and vari- 
 ous other things, and gave her such a wonderful account of 
 his successes as to make her doubt her senses. He also 
 
A SERIOUS DISAPPOINTMENT. 399 
 
 congratulated her that she was now the wife of a foreign 
 minister, which would afford her the means of sending 
 their son to the academy and their daughters to boarding 
 school, where they would learn to play the piano, and be 
 as fine as any of your ladies. But the good woman was 
 affected to tears when he told her of the great distance 
 between Barnstable and Kalorama, and only consented to 
 his departure for that distant dominion out of respect to 
 what every good woman ought to sacrifice for the benefit 
 of her country. While, however, the thinking people of 
 Barnstable were at a loss to know by what means he had 
 got such an office, and were inclined to set it down for a 
 joke of some waggish fellows in Washington, who were in- 
 tent on testing the quality of the government for giving of- 
 fices to fools, little Barnstable turned out in full force, and 
 without the slightest respect for the great change in his 
 fortunes, persisted in offering him a full measure of that 
 species of ovation it was wont to pay him in times gone by. 
 Nearly two months had now passed ; and although the 
 newspapers frequently foretold the exact day the general 
 would sail for the scene of his labors, nothing was heard 
 of his secretary. It ought to be mentioned here that he 
 occupied his time in frequent interviews with Glanmore- 
 gain, who had designs on Kalorama very different from 
 those entertained by the government. For while the lat- 
 ter had furnished instructions to the general, strictly en- 
 joining him to cultivate a good understanding with this 
 savage king, and to impress upon his mind the advantages 
 of peace, avoiding carefully all disputes arising between 
 rival chiefs, the former commended a course diametrically 
 opposite. Having riches enough at his command to over- 
 throw a dozen such kingdoms as Kalorama, and which he 
 promised to deal out without stint in the employment of 
 such vagabonds as are more fond of fighting than saying 
 
400 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 their prayers, he instructed the general to first find out 
 how many cunning priests and lawyers were in the coun- 
 try; what love they bore one another; whether they 
 ■were renegades or natives ; what influence they had over 
 the king; and how best they could be set by the ears. 
 And when this knowledge was thoroughly acquired, to 
 hasten the formation of rival factions, being careful to 
 throw the hot iron in wherever there was a chance, plead- 
 ing at the same time for peace and harmony. Then if he 
 could only get the priests at " cat-tails " with the court, 
 which was easy enough, why, the prospect would be pro- 
 digious. Every thing must be taken in time and season ; 
 and if the lawyers were renegades, and he could get them 
 at splits with both, he could theti get some ambitions lead- 
 er (one with more self-love than patriotism) just to tip 
 him the wink, and invite him to become the champion of 
 the strongest faction ; he could then, being careful to let 
 the cause of humanity and the spread of civil liberty be 
 his M'atchword, go out with his sword sharpened, and after 
 cutting down the existing powers, snatch up the diadem 
 and place it upon his own head. Glanmoregain explained 
 his various plans with such minuteness that they all be- 
 came cloud and mist in the general's mind ; indeed, he 
 began to debate within himself as to the means by which he 
 could serve two masters whose interests seemed to run in 
 directly opposite channels. Minister Potter had, however, 
 a ready facility for everything, and although something 
 of a simpleton, pledged himself to carry out Glanmore- 
 gain's instrnctions with as many protestations of good faith 
 as he had offered the government in proof of his sincerity 
 " Upon my military reputation, sir," said he, as Glan- 
 moregain delivered to him a packet containing his in- 
 structions, " it will not take me long to get things as you 
 want them. Say only that you want a dozen more such 
 
A SEKIOUS UISAPPOINTMENT. 4.01 
 
 kingdoms, and I warrant to have them in your pock- 
 et in less time than it would take you to walk up Wall 
 Street. But pray, sir, as to these vagabonds you speak 
 of, take care that they be not men who have no fear of 
 the devil and want all to be generals." 
 
 And when the merchant and his general had got all 
 these little government matters so nicely compounded 
 that they began to feel whole kingdoms between their 
 fingers, the former took his departure and left the latter 
 to himself. There were now only three days remaining 
 before the general's departure; and as the government 
 had vessels enough fouling their copper in our harbors, it 
 was ordered that one be detached to convey the general 
 to his place of destination. While then he was sitting 
 puzzling his brain how to get a secretary who could man- 
 age the newspapers and attend to the duties of his office, 
 and was ready to believe that Mr. Tickler had been foully 
 murdered, that gentleman made his appearance, and gave 
 so strange an excuse for his absence that I must beg the 
 reader to turn to the next chapter, where he will find it 
 faithfully recorded. 
 
CHAPTER XLV. 
 
 OP THE MEETING BETWEEN THE GENERAL AND HIS SEC- 
 EETAEY, WHO EELATES AN AFFAIR OP GALLANTRY 
 THAT HAD WELL-NIGH COST HIM HIS LIFE ; ALSO, OP 
 THE DEPAETUEE FOR KALOBAMA. 
 
 " Tickler ! my faithful secretary, the friend and com- 
 panion of my future fortunes ! " exclaimed the general, 
 embracing the trembling Tickler as he entered the room 
 somewhat timidly. And after shaking him warmly by 
 the hand he ordered two punches, over which he promised 
 to give him an account of the anxiety he had suffered at 
 his absence, and which might have proved a serious affair 
 to the nation. 
 
 " By my honor, general," replied Tickler, fingering his 
 beard, and looking somewhat confused, " your kindness is 
 as unexpected as I know it is sincere. And if you say the 
 punches, it is as you say. It is to ask your forgiveness I 
 came, and here you offer me proofs that I have not even 
 incurred your displeasure." 
 
 " Mercy and courtesy, friend Tickler, belong to our 
 profession," interrupted the general, elongating his body, 
 placing his thumbs in the arm-holes of his waistcoat, and 
 striding twice or thrice across the i-oom. " I feared you 
 were dead, friend Tickler. And it might look suspicious,'' 
 he resumed. " But you are alive, and I am glad enough 
 of it." The punches now smoked upon the table ; and 
 as the general drew up his chair beside the secretary, that 
 [402] 
 
THE MEETING. 403 
 
 functionary began to relate the cause of his absence. " I 
 got safe into Baltimore, you see, and having no more fears 
 of the finger-taps of sheriffs, was quietly wending my way 
 for the Gilmore House, and had reached a fine old man- 
 sion that stood a little from the street, when my attention 
 was attracted by a voice singing so sweetly that I became 
 like one transfixed, for the strains seemed melting my 
 very heart. And you know, general, that it's no hard 
 matter to melt the heart of an Irish gentleman. The voice 
 sounded like one I had heard before, and I paused, and list- 
 ened, and wondered whose it could be, and suddenly it 
 ceased. I turned to gaze in the direction from whence the 
 music came, and there saw, through an open window, a girl 
 of such exquisite beauty that I felt like getting upon my 
 knees and worshipping her as the idol of love. During 
 the pause she sat at a piano motioning her fan, and with 
 so much grace and delicacy that even a Oastilian could 
 not have excelled it. Her complexion was like alabaster, 
 her features of Grecian cast, and as regular as if they had 
 been chiseled. And these charms were made more be- 
 witching by the luxuriant tresses of black hair that hung 
 carelessly down upon her broad, white shoulders. Tho 
 thought that I had seen her before almost crazed me. 
 Then suddenly her delicate fingers tripped over the keys 
 of the piano, and she struck up a song, the words of which 
 I have not now at my tongue's end, but which I remem- 
 ber said a deal about hope, anguish, and hearts that were 
 true. Something also was said about the cold marble, and 
 withered hopes. I may say, sir, that it bore a strong re- 
 semblance to songs I have heard sung by lovers in my 
 own country, — " 
 
 "Pray proceed with what came of the lady," inter- 
 rupted the general, impatiently. 
 
 " Why, sir, she sang this song bo sweetly that the very 
 
iOi ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 air seemed filled with melody, and I fancied myself either 
 in Limerick or Paradise. After gazing in admiration of 
 her for several minutes, she turned her eyes toward me ; 
 and as she did so, ' Heavens ! ' says I, ' there's Linda 
 Mortimor ! ' And if you would know who this Linda 
 Mortimer is, listen and I will tell you. Her father was 
 a merchant of New York, of princely fortune and good an- 
 cestry. And this fortune, together with his pride, he was 
 resolved never to let get beyond the narrow limits of a 
 circle of distant but equally fortunate relatives. But 
 Linda, who was just budding into her seventeenth sum- 
 mer, let her affections fall upon an opera singer, a tenor 
 of the name of Leon Benoni, who had some fame in his 
 profession, and was likewise a man of good morals, which 
 is rare with such gentlemen. I had known Leon for many 
 years, and between us there esisted a strong friendship. 
 And as he returned Linda's affections with a love so im- 
 passioned that he swore death only could separate them, 
 I promised to render him such service as he might need 
 in an emergency. The possession of a girl so pure, so 
 tender in years, and yet so beautiful, was a prize Leon 
 would have braved death to gain." 
 
 The general, more impatient than ever, again inter- 
 rupted by enjoining Mr. Tickler to stick to Linda, aud 
 omit what Leon said. 
 
 " When you have two lovers in a story," returned the 
 critic, " you cannot well get along with what one said : you 
 must fetch them along together." 
 
 "That may be your Kew York fashion," interpolated 
 the general ; '• but I know one Joe Doane, of Barnstable, 
 who had a whole year of love stories in his head, and got 
 along well enough with one lover to a story." 
 
 These remarks somewhat displeased the secretary, who 
 gave vent to his feelings in certain upward turns of his 
 
THE MEETING. 405 
 
 short nose. In truth, he was well-nigh ending the love 
 story on the spot ; for he cursed in his heart the stupidity 
 of a gentleman of such shallow tastes that he would only 
 have one lover in so good a story. But he hethought 
 himself that now they were both high officials, he must 
 show proper deference to his superior. " If you would 
 have love stories,'"pursued the critic, with an air of re- 
 gained pride, " pray take them in their natural state, and 
 not as they are made by popular novelists, who get all 
 sorts of murders into them. As to this young couple, see- 
 ing that Heaven (which forms destinies,) had ordered 
 their love to run one way, I arranged their interviews, 
 and so managed the exchange of their communications 
 that they had pledged their affections in eternal constancj' 
 for months before the affair reached the ears of Linda's 
 parents. And when it did, a great excitement was got up 
 against Leon, who was charged with various crimes against 
 the dignity of the family ; indeed, so far was their indig- 
 nation carried that several ambitious members of the fam- 
 ily threatened him with no few ounces of cold lead. Opera 
 singing was, at best, they said, but a shabby occupation, 
 followed only by such trifling foreigners as had nothing else 
 to do, and were wisely kept outside the pale of society. 
 
 " Leon then was cruelly separated from Linda, whose 
 hard-hearted parents had her locked up in her chamber, 
 where she remained seven months writing her grief in 
 verses of such rare sentiment and purity of style that I 
 doubt if Byron has anything to excel them. But finding 
 that her love for Leon was incurable, and that the con- 
 finement was producing insanity of mind, her father 
 thought to affect a remedy by offering Leon ten thousand 
 dollars to quit the country. This he spurned, bidding 
 the father give his money to him who measured the soul 
 of man by its value. 
 
406 ADVENTUEES OP MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 " Linda's only companion during the confinement, was a 
 pet canary, which she had trained to convey messages 
 across the street, and into the window of a chamber occu- 
 pied by one Minnie Rush, a companion and schoolmate, 
 and one to whom she could intrust the secrets of her heart 
 ■with explicit confidence. Through this medium then she 
 discovered the place of her confinement to Leon, for 
 whom I arranged a plan of scaling her prison and carrying 
 her away. And this plan we undertook to execute of a 
 dark night in November, when a pelting storm drenched 
 the earth with rain, and the wind howled, and all the ad- 
 verse elements seemed to have combined to complete the 
 fury of the tempest. Linda was prepared, and paced her 
 room with curious hopes and anticipations swelling her 
 heart, and even filling her eyes with tears. When the 
 clock struck twelve, we had, by dint of great exertion, got 
 the ladder to Linda's window in the third story. And as 
 Leon commenced ascending, Linda slowly opened the 
 window. Fiercer and fiercer their throbbing hearts be- 
 gan beating ; each second seemed an hour ; and although 
 the storm howled piteously, anxiety had so sharpened 
 their senses that they distinctly heard the slightest move- 
 ment. Quickening his pace as he advanced, and thinking 
 only of the prize he would rescue from its prison, he was 
 well nigh the top of the ladder. Another minute and 
 the two lovers would have been clasped in each other's 
 arms. Not a thought would have been wasted on the 
 hard-hearted father; Leon would have borne the darling 
 of his heart away in triumph I But lo ! a crash was heard ; 
 the ladder yielded to the gale, and Leon, who was a man 
 of much weight and circumference, fell to the ground with 
 a broken leg. ' A pretty pickle you'r in now, Orlando 
 Tickler,' says I to myself But to make the matter worse, 
 the ladder fell also, and so great was the noise that the 
 
THE MEETING. 407 
 
 father of Linda and two friends rushed out of the house in 
 their night clothes, and with pistols in their hands. Seeing 
 the cause of the disturbance, they at once gave chase after 
 me ; and though I would have stood by Leon until death 
 separated us, it came into my mind that getting away as 
 fast as possible would be the best service I could render 
 him, seeing that it would afford him an opportunity to 
 creep away into some hiding-place. 
 
 " I must not forget to tell you, general, that although I 
 am a fleet-footed man, so closely was I pursued that I re- 
 ceived not less than three shots in the skirts of my coat, 
 and had been a dead man, but that two good-natured po- 
 licemen came up, and stopping the enraged father, bid 
 him give an account of himself; for they were unaccus- 
 tomed to seeing gentlemen run naked in such a storm, 
 armed with pistols. This enabled me to reach a place of 
 safety. But the thought struck me that they would re- 
 turn and make search for Leon. 1 therefore followed 
 them at a stealthy pace and at a safe distance for myself 
 Leon had crawled through a little gate and into a garden 
 close by, where he found a shelter beneath some larch 
 bushes, and was safe from the vengeance of his pursuers, 
 who several times passed and re-passed within a few feet 
 of him. The wreck of the ladder was all that greeted 
 their eyes. 
 
 " When then the father and his friends returned disap- 
 pointed to the house, I approached the policemen, and 
 giving them an account of the affair and a few dollars, 
 soon secured their good services. In truth, sir, they de- 
 clared by their truncheons that if they had been let into 
 the secret a little earlier the hard-hearted old parent had 
 been locked up in the station house, and made to give an 
 account of himself, and, perhaps, to pay dearly for being 
 caught in a phght so dangerous to the peace of the neigh- 
 
408 ADVENTUBES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 borhood. They, however, kindly assisted in getting a car- 
 nage, in which Leon was got to his home, where he re- 
 mained seven weeks without singing a note, and suffering 
 much in mind, as well as body. And when he recovered, 
 it was only to find that Linda was gone — had been carried 
 away, and no one could tell him the place of her conceal- 
 ment. Thus forlorn, he gave himself up in despair, and 
 came near dying of a broken heart, though he was attend- 
 ed by three physicians. But the post-man brought him 
 a letter one day, and a timely letter it was ; for by it Lin- 
 da informed Leon that she was in Madrid with her father, 
 which caused him so much joy that I had fears lest it de- 
 range his understanding. But a cloud came over his joy 
 when she told him that such was the surveillance she was 
 under that her life seemed a mere continuation of wretch- 
 edness. And while she still declared her love was un- 
 changed, she artfully added that her father had so modi- 
 fied his opinions of foreigners as to press a suit between 
 her and a Spanish Count, of whom it was said that he 
 possessed estates in Arragon. This news seriously af- 
 fected Leon, who was of an impulsive temper, and quick 
 to give himself up to grief; for he knew what strange 
 changes time and distance works in the mind of a young, 
 ardent girl like Linda. He knew, too, how diflScult a 
 thing it was to resist the fascinating manners of the courtly 
 Spaniard. All these things caused him to sorrow, and 
 this sorrow so fed upon his heart that he resolved to get 
 to Madrid with all speed and rescue her from so tyranni- 
 cal a parent, though it cost him his life. But he was sud- 
 denly taken sick of a fever, which, in addition to well-nigh 
 carrying him to the grave, left his intellect in a deranged 
 state, and so reduced him in body that his friends resolved 
 he had only a month or so more for this world. I had 
 watched over Leon, and but for my poverty would have 
 
THE MEETING. 409 
 
 remained by his bedside until death separated us. It was 
 my necessities, sir, that compelled me to join you. — " 
 
 " By my honor, friend Tickler," interrupted the gen- 
 eral, approvingly, " I will now swear you make a good 
 soldier ; for such faith is rarely met outside of the profess- 
 ion to which I belong." 
 
 " As to that," resumed Mr. Tickler, " your great experi- 
 ence in these matters must make you the better judge. It 
 then got (I turn now to Linda and Leon) into the papers 
 that Leon was dead. And though I know not by what 
 process this was effected, I can tell you that many obitu- 
 aries were written in respect of him. Seeing that he had 
 been so honorably disposed of by the editors, Leon held it 
 better not to contradict the report, but as soon as he was 
 in possession of sufficient strength, to leave in disguise for 
 the scene where he would welcome death or win the prize 
 for which his heart yearned. 
 
 " Judge, then, of my surprise when I recognized Linda 
 in the lovely creature who played with so much skill, and 
 sang so sweetly. Our recognition was mutual, for I stood 
 wTiere the shadow of the moonbeams played over my face. 
 ' Heavens ! ' says I, ' how can I rescue her ? ' I saw she 
 was not free, but rather the victim of a heart burdened 
 with cares. My next thought was how to communicate 
 with her. I retired to a little cottage close by, where I 
 wrote a note on tissue paper, proposing an appointment 
 on the following day, and secured it to the stem of a rose- 
 bud. Then I found a poor woman, a Savoyard, playing on 
 her harp in the street ; and having read that these women 
 were accustomed to performing such parts for the rich lov- 
 ers of their own country, I engaged her to play under the 
 window until she had so attracted the attention of Linda 
 as to make her understand by signs what was in the bud. 
 This she engaged to do in a manner that would make suc- 
 18 ' 
 
410 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 cess certain. She then repaired to the task ; and having 
 played several airs from the opera of Linda of Chamouni 
 with great artistic skill, soon brought Linda to the win- 
 doAv, where she at first listened as if she were taking les- 
 sons of a master, but soon changed her listening to sur- 
 prise at the singular signs made by the woman between 
 the airs. The mystery was dissolved when I again ap- 
 peared at the front gate and stood in the shadow of the 
 moonbeams. Linda declared she would not be content 
 until the poor Savoyard was got into the house, averring 
 tluit as she had never before heard such exquisite playing, 
 she was anxious to ask the woman some questions con- 
 cerning her history. To please Linda, then, she was got 
 into the house, where, embracing a favorable moment, she 
 slipped the bud into Linda's hand. I had suggested a 
 place of meeting at twelve o'clock on the following day ; 
 and I leave to your conjecture what took place up to that 
 lane Let me tell you, then, that she escaped from the 
 house through the aid of a faithful servant, and we met, 
 f.xtlianged our joys as never did brother and sister; yes, 
 we unburdened our hearts and gave each other accounts 
 of all that had passed since the night Leon attempted to 
 rescue her from her chamber. 
 
 " Linda had not been to Madrid, but Cuba ; and the let- 
 ter to Leon was nothing more than a cruel fabrication of 
 her parents, who had persuaded her that he was dead, and 
 produced papers recording his death in proof of their dec 
 larations. When I discovered to her that Leon was still 
 alive, she fell upon her knees and beseeched me to speed 
 with her to him. I knew and felt my duty to the nation ; 
 but the request of this lovely girl was something the gal- 
 lantry of my soul could not refuse." 
 
 The general, who had listened attentively while sipping 
 his punch, interrupted, saying, " I reverence your mag- 
 
THE JIEETIXG. 411 
 
 nanimity, young man, and am glad to see that you had no 
 thought of appropriating the prize to yourself. I am glad, 
 too, that you had an eye to how much the nation miglit 
 suffer hy this love affair." 
 
 " Says I to myself," resumed the secretary, " ' Orlando 
 Tickler ! now it's between the nation and this fair girl — 
 choose which you will let go to ruin. Faith, the nation 
 is well enough,' says I, ' and here goes to do my duty by 
 this distressed damsel. And with nothing but what she 
 had on her back, and a purse of gold, we turned our backs 
 upon Baltimore, and like doves chased by sportsmen, 
 proceeded with all speed to Leon, who had taken up his 
 abode at an airy villa on the banks of the Hudson. And 
 here again I will leave to your conjecture what took place 
 when they met ; and conclude by sajing that I went mad 
 with joy on seeing them locked in each other's arms. And 
 while New York was being searched in vain by the friends 
 of her unyielding parents, I saw them made one twain by 
 the village parson ; then I left them as happy a couple as 
 ever mingled love, and sought you, intending to ask 
 forgiveness. You have it all, sir; and may Heaven re- 
 ward you for the forgiveness you have vouchsafed me." 
 
 And now, the time for the general's departure having ar- 
 rived, old Battle was got safely on board, when this won- 
 derful politician, soldier, and diplomatist, and his clever 
 secretary, set sail for the Kaloramas ; and when they had 
 proceeded on their voyage for some weeks met with so seri- 
 ous an accident that the writer of this faithful history deems 
 it proper that he should record it in the next chapter. 
 
 It ought also to be mentioned here that the general, 
 out of sheer respect to his honesty as a critic, appointed 
 Easley guardian to his gifted pig, whose earnings he 
 promised to transmit to Polly Potter instead of the un- 
 fathomable depths of the " Bleeding Kansas Fund." 
 
CHAPTER XLVI. 
 
 CONTAINING A FAITHFUL ACCODNT OF WHAT TOOK 
 PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER AND HIS SECRETARY 
 CROSSED THE LINE, AND HOW HE RODE THE FLYING 
 HORSE. 
 
 Bei.vg ignorant of any rule compelling historians to 
 give the names of such ships as convey their ambassadors 
 to foreign lands, I have i-esolved that the omission in this 
 instance shall be made up by the fancy of the reader, 
 whom I feel in my heart will generously give me credit 
 for what I have written, the truth whereof no man of 
 common sense will doubt. A further motive for not nam- 
 ing the vessel on which this wonderful minister sailed is, 
 that what took place on board might aflford matter for one 
 of those extremely fashionable episodes called Courts- 
 Martial, and which are principally held at Washington for 
 the entertainment of such aged membeis of the service as 
 are fond of listening to, and sitting in judgment upon, 
 the minute and circumstantial details of indiscreet conver- 
 sations held among young gentlemen of the waid-room ; 
 and which, it must be confessed, reflects but little honor 
 upon the service. But to the ship. 
 
 "When the ship was many days' sail from land, and af- 
 fairs on board had passed pleasantly enough, the officers, 
 one after another began to hold conversation with the gen- 
 eral, and to flatter his vanity in various ways, styling him 
 " Your Excellency," and intimating that he must be per- 
 fect master of all great subjects. In truth, they soon dis- 
 [412] 
 
VOYAGE TO TIIK KALORAMAS. 413 
 
 covered from the disjointed character of his discourse upon 
 various subjects that his wits were deranged ; for no mat- 
 ter what subject they introduced, he would mount his fa- 
 vorite hobby of taking care of the nation. But how a 
 man could be an adept in politics and a simpleton in so 
 many other things they could not clearly understand. 
 They therefore came naturally enough to the conclusion 
 that the government had set a trap to get rid of a gentle- 
 man with designs on the treasury, and caught a mouse in- 
 stead of a minister. Nor were they less surprised with 
 the singular relations existing between the general and 
 his secretary, who had more than once declared to them 
 that he had puzzled his wits in vain to get at the true 
 quality of his master's understanding. They therefore 
 resolved among themselves to make him the subject of a 
 little diversion. He had entertained them with accounts 
 of the wonderful achievements of the Potter family, as 
 also his own exploits in the Mexican war, at which they 
 were all astonished and confounded. 
 
 When, then, the general appeared on deck one daj^ in 
 his new uniform, which he got of Fox in New York, and 
 which he verily believed necessary to the great under- 
 takings he was about to engage in, the first Lieutenant ap- 
 proached him, and with great gravity of manner, said, 
 " Your Excellency has doubtless heard of the custom 
 which renders it necessary that all great officials crossing 
 the line for the first time pay their respects to Neptune, 
 king of the sea and father of barbers, who will come on 
 board and shave you to your satisfaction. And when this 
 ceremony is over the officials then display their skill at rid- 
 ing the flying horse, the success or failure of which is in- 
 variably held a good or bad omen of the success or failure 
 of their mission." 
 
 The general listened with curious attention to these re- 
 
414 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 marks. " I own, Mr. Lieutenant," said he, in reply, " that 
 if you approached me on matters of government or some- 
 thing that concerns the politics of our country, there you will 
 find me at home ; but as to these affairs of the sea, I know 
 as little about them as your village parson. As to riding 
 a flying horse, I will leave that to Mr. Tickler, my secre- 
 tary ; for though no man will say I am not skilled in rid- 
 ing, I can tell you I have been twice thrown by my horse 
 Battle, and care not to have more of my limbs broken. 
 But by all means let this Neptune you speak of be intro- 
 duced to me, and if the shaving can be dispensed with, so 
 much the better, since I am not fond of ceremonies, and 
 may have need of my beard in dealing with this savage 
 king." 
 
 " Your Excellencj' reasons well," rejoined the Lieuten- 
 ant ; "but judging from the fame he has already ac- 
 quired, and which is as familiar to us as our school-day 
 primers, I feel that he would not have it said of him that 
 he was a whit behind his many predecessors, who held 
 themselves honored in being the recipients of this cere- 
 mony, which, in truth, is considered another feather in 
 their dignity. But this I will say, that where secretaries 
 are present, the custom has been so modified as to vouch- 
 safe the shaving to them, while riding the flying horse is 
 strictly reserved for the highest ofl5cials." 
 
 " What you say of my fame, Mr. Lieutenant, is just 
 what many others have said, and may be set down to my 
 honesty as a politician. And, as you say it is well to 
 look to my dignity, I will confer with my secretary and 
 hear what he says concerning this affair of the shaving." 
 Having returned this answer, the general sought his sec- 
 retary and recounted to him, in private, the conversation 
 that had taken place between himself and the lieutcnnnt, 
 upon which the learned critic swore by Saint Patrick, and 
 
VOYAGE TO THE KALORAMAS. 415 
 
 a dozen more equally good saints, that no man should trifle 
 with his beard, of which he was as scrupulous as many of 
 our more fashionable clergymen, and, indeed, kept it highly 
 polished with daily applications of Eushton's best y.n- 
 mades. He also declared that however ready he might bo 
 to render service either to his government or ladies in dis- 
 tress, he verily believed the whole affair a joke got up by 
 the oflScers, who were much given to practising such tricks 
 upon the unwary ; and therefore he would have them liok 
 elsewhere for subjects of jest. The general, however, as- 
 sured him that it was a grave mistake, since gentlemen 
 of such standing and valor would not deign to trifle with 
 the respectability of a secretary invested with such impor- 
 tant functions. He therefore proceeded with him into the 
 presence of the first lieutenant, around whom several of 
 his fellow-officers were gathered, and on stating what I. ad 
 taken place, they one and all assured Mr. Tickler in llie 
 most grave and becoming manner that they had not the 
 slightest intention of offending his dignity, nor indeed 
 in any way provoking him to think ill of them. Never- 
 theless, they begged him to bear in mind that this ancient 
 custom was only kept up with a view to test the real 
 courage and resolution of high officials proceeding on these 
 great and important missions. " I am not frightened at 
 trifles, gentlemen," replied Mr. Tickler, somewhat agi 
 tated ; " but it seems to me that this shaving you speak 
 of is not generally known among barbers. And I h.ive 
 read every book written by Ike Marvel (and bright gems, 
 hung in the murky firmament of our maudlin literature, 
 they are, too !) ; but not a word does he say about secre- 
 taries of Legations paying penance in this manner with 
 their beards. However, if his excellency has courage to 
 • ride the flying horse, Orlando Tickler will not be found 
 wanting. Pray let the ceremony proceed ; but spare me 
 
41G ADVENTTl-EES OF MAJOR POTTEIt. 
 
 my beard if you can, for I am no dump, and know that it 
 was said by somebody that a poor gentleman had better 
 stick to his garret than go beardless to court." The of- 
 jBcers now proceeded to arrange the matter between them- 
 selves, and resolved to carry it into effect on the following 
 morning. 
 
 And now a rosy dawn ushered in the morning on which 
 the great and all-absorbing event was to take place. A 
 clear sky, a sea so calm that scarce a ripple was to be seen, 
 every sail spread to its utmost capacity, and the mellow 
 tints of the rising sun playing over and investing them 
 with a majesty of outline at once grand and imposing. 
 And yet the massive hull scarce moved, so gentle was the 
 breeze that fanned through her canvass. 
 
 The officers weie astir before Mother Carey's chickens 
 had dipped their wings ; indeed, the very elements seemed 
 to have combined to favor this great and wonderful event, 
 which, seeing that it was in honor of so great a politician 
 as General Roger Potter, was to surpass all other events 
 hitherto recorded in this history. 
 
 A stage of rough planks was erected during the night 
 just abaft the fore-mast, and over this a mizen-topgallant 
 studding-sail formed an awning, between which and the 
 mast there was a huge wind-sail, leading down into the fore- 
 hatch. The fore-courser and lower studding-sails were 
 now clewed up, and a messenger dispatched to inform the 
 general and his secretary that the ship was crossing the 
 line, and as Keptune's temper was crispy of age, he might 
 on discovering any want of respect, invoke a storm. Xot 
 content with this, two officers high in rank rushed into the 
 state-room of Mr. Tickler, and evincing great anxietv lest 
 his reputation for courage suffer, drew him from his berth, 
 and winding him up in a sheet, bore him struggling in 
 their arms to a seat arranged on the platform. At the 
 
VOYAGE TO THE KALORAMAS. 417 
 
 same time a great blowing of seaconchs (said to be Nep- 
 tune's cborus), accompanied by the heaving and splash- 
 ing of waters, was heard directly under the bows, and w; x, 
 indeed enough to strike terror into a stronger lieart than 
 Tickler possessed. In short, the secretary found his cour- 
 age giving out, notwithstanding he had on the evening pre- 
 vious given several of the officers a most interesting ac- 
 count of the many duels he had figured in. In truth, it 
 must be confessed that if the secretary had not been se- 
 cured to his seat with gaskets, he would, regardless of 
 precedents, have taken to his heels and left the ceremony 
 to those who had a liking for it. And as it was, his fears 
 continued to increase with the approach of the ceremony. 
 
 A double file of men, in their neatest attire, now formed 
 in order from the orlop to the fore-chains. At this mo- 
 ment the general, arrayed in his war-worn uniform, sallied 
 forth with becoming dignity, and evidently much con- 
 cerned about the important part he was to play in this 
 great event, for he felt in his heart that the honor of his 
 country depended entirely upon the skill he displayed in 
 riding the flying horse. He was also not a little con- 
 cerned lest his secretary should fail to carry himself with 
 becoming nerve, and encouraged him with promises to 
 permit him to say things creditable to himself in his first 
 letter to the New York Daily Discoverer. 
 
 Old Neptune, trident in hand, and as fishy an old salt 
 as could well be imagined, now rose with great gravity 
 and stateliness over the bow ; and having cast a piercing 
 glance at the file of men, who raised their hats and saluted 
 him with becoming deference, advanced slowly, and being 
 met by two senior lieutenants, was first informed of the 
 great fame of tlie voyagers, and then welcomed on board 
 with a speech. This done he was introduced to, and ex- 
 changed courtesies with the general, who made him sundry 
 18* 
 
418 ADVENTURES OF itAJOR POTTER. 
 
 bows, and would have put many questions to him concerning 
 his ancestry ; hut as it was customary with him to lose no 
 time, he proceeded forthwith to the shaving. Perhaps I 
 ought here to inform the reader that this Neptune wore a 
 sort of toga, made of the skins of sea-lions ; that his beard 
 was like unto fibrous coral found on the coast of Florida, 
 and hung almost to his waist ; and that a crown of sea- 
 moss decorated his venerable head. Muttering something 
 in a language the first lieutenant declared was Spanish, 
 and exchanging bows with Mr. Tickler, whose face and 
 beard only were visible above the white sheet, Neptune 
 resigned his trident to one of the sailors, and approaching 
 the candidate for this great honor, felt and felt his beard, 
 then gave his head a toss of satisfaction, and smiled. A 
 grinning negro now advanced in his clean white apron, 
 and an immense bowl, held with his left arm ; and this 
 was filled with a composite for shaving, such, I venture to 
 assert, as Eushton never thought of; for being a mixture 
 of grease, tar, and soap, the odor that escaped was any- 
 thing but aromatic. Here the secretary quite lost his 
 temper, and swore by the Virgin in a deep rich brogue, 
 which was not uncommon with him when he spoke nat- 
 ui-al, that he saw through the whole thing ; and that the 
 man who defiled his beard with such stuff as that would 
 have to suffer for it when he got the use of his hands. 
 Heeding not what he said, the negro applied the lather 
 with an immense paint-brush, and had well-nigh suffocated 
 the critic, who cried for mercy at the very top of In's 
 voice, to the no small diversion of the bystanders, who en- 
 joyed it hugely. Solemnly Neptune then commenced 
 to shave the critic with an immense razor made of wood ; 
 but he was so nervous in tlie management of it, and 
 scraped the critic's face so unmercifully, that he bellowed 
 out at the very top of his voice, ' Holy Saint Peter ! come 
 
VOYAGE TO THE KALORAMAS. 419 
 
 to my relief, and let not tliis tty child be tortured by liis 
 enemies ! " 
 
 " Be not a whimperer, but comport yourself witli cour- 
 age, Mr. Tickler," said the general, apparently quite as 
 much diverted as any of them : " I have a hearty respect 
 enough for these critics ; but if they let their courage leak 
 out in this way. Heaven only knows what they will do 
 when they come to face the guns of the enemy ? " he con- 
 cluded, whispering in the ear of one of the officers. Hav- 
 ing stepped aside to wipe the razor, as he said, they were 
 all surprised and astonished to find that Neptune had dis- 
 appeared amidst the plunging of waters and blowing of 
 sea-conchs. Scarcely had he gone when an immense cur- 
 rent of water came down upon the head of the suffering 
 Tickler, and which he was assured was nothing more than 
 the tail-end of a water-spout, though in truth it was poured 
 from buckets in the hands of a cunning rogue concealed in 
 the windsail close by. And the force and density of this 
 so nearly drowned the simple-minded critic that he sev- 
 eral times gasped for breath, and indeed seemed on the 
 very point of dissolution. The whole ceremony was pel- 
 formed in a remarkably short space of time ; and when 
 the lathered and drenched Orlando Tickler was set at lib- 
 erty, he cast the winding sheet from his shoulders, stood 
 a few moments making the most savage gestures at his 
 adversaries, (most of whom had sought places of safety,) 
 and challenged the best of them to meet him like mm ; 
 then he scampered away to his cabin, muttering, as he 
 passed the general, " Faith 1 and I wish your excellency 
 better luck with what there is left." It ought to be men- 
 tioned here that the hanging by the heels, which is a pait 
 of this excellent and very ancient custom, was, out of 
 sheer respect to Tickler's fame as a critic, omitted in this 
 instance. 
 
420 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 The wind now began to freshen so that every sail filled 
 to perfection ; but as there was but little motion on the 
 ship, it was resolved not to ride the flying-horse until 
 breakfast was over, when it was hoped a rolling motion of 
 the hull would afford a better opportunity for the display 
 of skill. " Mr. Lieutenant," said the general, approach- 
 ing that oflScer with his ear canted, and touching him con- 
 fidentially on the arm, " although there was sport enough 
 in this shaving of my secretary, I begin to have certain 
 fears about riding the flying-horse ; as you say, it may af- 
 ford me a chance to display my courage and horseman- 
 ship : but, if it be similar to the shaving, I cannot see 
 wherein it will serve my dignity ; and therefore I say that 
 it seems to my mind better that you give the performance 
 to some other gentleman.'' The lieutenant replied that 
 this was a feat entirely free from the severities accompa- 
 nying the shaving ; in truth, that it was solely a means of 
 displaying agility, being much practised by the South 
 Carolinians after their tournaments. And in order to prove 
 to him that it was in every way worthy the high considera- 
 tion of so distinguished a politician and general, he prom- 
 ised to make several of the seamen give him an example. 
 Somewhat reconciled to this assurance, the general pro- 
 ceeded to prepare himself 
 
 When, then, breakfast was over, they all repaired on 
 deck to witness the general's skill at riding the flying- 
 horse. The ship rolled lazily, an oar with the blade rest- 
 ing upon the quarter deck, the stock extending some eight 
 or ten feet forward and secured near the end with a ropo 
 made fast in the mizen-caps, constituted the horse, wliicli 
 swung to and fro with the motion of the ship. A hat was 
 then placed on the end of the oar, when an old experienced 
 sailor mounted with a staff in his hand, and having crosfed 
 his legs (like a tailor upon his board), let go the rnpo, 
 
YOYAGE TO THE KALORAMAS. 421 
 
 and, witli Lis hands extended, swung to the motion of tho 
 ship, maintaining his balance with the ease and composure 
 of a rope-dancer. This done, he dislodged the hat with 
 his staff; and to prove how easy it was to perform the 
 feat, he thrice repeated it to the great delight of all on 
 board. " Faith of my father ! " exclaimed the general, 
 " I see no great things in that ; and if it be all you re- 
 quire in proof of my covirage, I will show you that I can 
 do it a dozen times, and with less trouble than it would 
 give me to ride my horse Battle." All now made way 
 for the wonderful general, whose shortness of legs ren- 
 dered it necessary to bring benches to facilitate his mount- 
 ing ; for the flying-horse stood some six feet or more from 
 the spar deck, and was not so easily mounted by a general 
 accustomed to the saddle. 
 
 A silence as of the tomb reigned among the bystanders 
 while the great General Potter proceeded to mount; which 
 he effected after considerable puffing and fussing, and ad- 
 justing his three-cornered hat, of which he was singularly 
 scrupulous. Holding on by the rope with great tenacity, 
 the only difSculty now in the way seemed his legs, which 
 were too short to get crossed upon the oar. Declaring he 
 had never before rode an animal of such sharpness in the 
 back, he proposed that the crossing of legs be omitted, 
 when he would show them that he could dislodge the hat 
 with great agility sitting astride the oar. But as this 
 would leave no chance for the sport that was to follow, 
 the officers all asserted upon their reputations that in no 
 instance of which they had any knowledge had such a 
 concession been made, no matter h(nv distinguished the 
 ambassador. But in order not to be wanting in courtesy, 
 two of the officers assisted him in getting hijs legs qrossed. 
 This done the benches were cleared, and, not a little dis- 
 turbed in his courage, the gallant general swung away to 
 
422 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the motion of the ship. Several voices now called to him, 
 demanding that he let go the rope and dislodge the hat. 
 " When a man knows his life is in danger, it occurs to 
 me, gentlemen, that he had hetter be left to choose his 
 own time in parting with it 1 " replied the general. He 
 however let go the rope, and suddenly making a pass at 
 the hat with his staff, lost his balance and was plunged 
 headlong into the larboard scuppers, and with such force 
 that had not his bones been ec[ual to wrought-iron, not a 
 sound one had been left in his body. He now gave out 
 such pitiful groans as brought the officers to a knowledge 
 of the serious character of the joke, which was put an end 
 to by their picking him up and bearing him away to his 
 cabin. 
 
CHAPTER XLVII. 
 
 OP THE general's EEOOVERT, AND HIS INTERVIEW 
 WITH MR. TICKLER ; ALSO, OF THE LANDING AT BU- 
 ZABUB, AND VARIOUS OTHER STRANGE AND AMUSING 
 THINGS. 
 
 When the general was sufficiently recovered from the 
 effects of the fall, he began thanking heaven that it waa 
 no worse, and inquiring of the officers who stood around 
 him, each trying to emulate the other in offering him con- 
 solation, whether any of his predecessors had been thrown 
 into the scuppers in this manner. " You may say there 
 was a lack of skill, gentlemen ; but I at least gave you a 
 taste of my courage, which is something in these days." 
 Thus he addressed them as he rose to his feet, with evi- 
 dent self-satisfaction, and believing in his heart that a man 
 was as much to be praised for what he attempted as for 
 what he achieved. " That you are a gentleman of cour- 
 age no man with eyes in his head will dispute ; and as 
 our country is extremely fortunate in the possession of so 
 brave a general, we have been saying among ourselves 
 that the interests of the nation demand that you should be 
 less prodigal of it ! " replied one of the officers. 
 
 " It affords me no small pleasure that you can bear wit- 
 ness of what you have seen ; for although this misfortune 
 may not comport with my dignity as a minister sent to 
 preserve friendly relations with a savage king, you will at 
 least say it was an enterprise that tested the quality of 
 my metal. As I have always said, a man had better stick 
 
 t423] 
 
424 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to his functions ; for if he mount strange horses, his head 
 may prove so wanting in brain that he will certainly fall 
 to the ground a great fool. But you have seen enough to 
 satisfy you of my courage, and now I must hasten to my 
 secretary, who is no small man, though unaccustomed to the 
 perils we soldiers know so well how to enjoy." So making 
 them a how, the general proceeded to Mr. Tickler's cabin, 
 where he found that gentleman busily engaged over a pot 
 of Eushton's pomade, which, together with two bottles of 
 Lubin's double extract, had been presented to him by 
 the officers, as a balm to heal his injured dignity. " This 
 is no joke, your excellency," said the discomfited critic ; 
 "you may smile at a man with his beard full of tar; but 
 let your excellency just try it with his own, and I wager 
 he'll wish the devil had it before he gets it restored," The 
 general laid his hand on Mr. Tickler's arm, encouragingly, 
 and replied, " Friend Tickler, heaven has given you a good 
 understanding, and it comforts me that you take this little 
 affair no worse." 
 
 " How much worse your excellency would have it I 
 know not. And it occurs to my mind that this mauling 
 and scraping is no part of my mission. I am not a male- 
 factor, but a man sent abroad to serve his country, which 
 it is my intention to do faithfully, if only they leave my 
 dignity undamaged." 
 
 " It's not every one thinks so well of his dignity, friend 
 Tickler," interposed the general. 
 
 " I am glad your excellency speaks in this way ; for if 
 a man bring his dignity to an end, pray what use is he to 
 his country ? " 
 
 " There your philosophy is at fault. Tickler ; for many's 
 the man now in the service of his country who has not fo 
 much dignity as my horse Battle. Console j-ourself, sii', 
 and remember that hardships are the prop-sticks of a 
 
THE LANDING AT NEZUB. 425 
 
 nsing man's glory. And having borne your part in this 
 oeremony with such consummate fortitude, you must know 
 that the officers set you down for a terrible fellow." 
 
 " Let them practice th«ir pranks on some one else, or 
 by the saints they shall suffer for it. But tell me, yonr 
 excellency, is it a custom with secretaries to trick their 
 landlords, undergo these batterings and bruisings, and go 
 for weeks without a shilling ? If it be, Orlando Tickler 
 returns to his profession of a critic ! And to tell you the 
 truth, sir, it is not clear to me of whom I am to get pay 
 for my services at this outlandish court. But pray where 
 is this Kalorama ? for I have puzzled my brain over it 
 not a little. And while you are about it, please enlighten 
 me further on the benefits this mission of yours will be- 
 stow upon mankind, that I may be instructed while I am 
 getting this grease and tar out of my beard." 
 
 '' A good diplomatist, I have heard it said, friend Tick- 
 ler, never blurts out what he means to do, but keeps a 
 still tongue until he has effected his ends. Keep then 
 your faith square, ask no questions, watch closely, and 
 the result shall come as clear as day to you when I am 
 on the field." The secretary gradually became more rec- 
 onciled to his fate, and soon renewed the labor of restoring 
 his beard. 
 
 Several days now passed with so much pleasantry that 
 the general and his secretary became the admiration of 
 all on board. Not a man, from the commander down to 
 the humblest " ordinary," but was eager to pay them hom- 
 age, minister to their comfort, or afford them amusement. 
 They were thus happily pursuing their voyage when the 
 commander, one pleasant evening, having entertained the 
 general with various sea stories, was approached by one 
 of his oflicers, who reported that Spark Island had been 
 sighted from aloft. This news sent a thrill of joy into the 
 
426 ADVKNTUHE3 OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 hearts of all on board, for Spark Island lay ten leagues off 
 the coast of Kalorama. Every eye was now fixed in the 
 direction indicated, and many were the glasses brought 
 into use. After various scannings, what seemed a meie 
 speck on the horizon was pronounced by the commander 
 to be nothing less than the famous Spark Island, a bit of 
 land quite resembling the steeple of one of our fashiona- 
 ble churches, and which nature, in one of her strange 
 freaks had ejected from the bottom of the sea, that cer- 
 tain gulls and other sea-birds, having no other convenient 
 place to build their nests, might take advantage of its soli- 
 tude. " Verily, your excellency," said the commander, 
 addi-essing General Potter with great suavity of manner, 
 " there is so curious a history connected with this pitiful 
 little island, that I feel you would be deeply interested 
 with a recital of it." 
 
 " Indeed, sir," returned the general, " as this history 
 concerns me as a diplomatist, I should be delighted to 
 hear it from your lips." 
 
 '■ Tou must know, then," resumed the commander, 
 " that the natives along the coast have a tradition they 
 firmly believe in, and which sets forth that this island was 
 thrown up by a special act of providence as a place of ref- 
 uge for a poor priest, a good and holy man, who, being 
 admitted to the confidence of the court of a Chief then 
 ruling over Kalorama, was discovered, by a keen-sighted 
 attendant, in an amour with one of his daughters, a girl 
 of so much beauty that various chiefs had come from the 
 east, and the west, and the north, and the south, to lay 
 their offerings at her feet. But to none of them would 
 she give her hand and heart. And although the priest 
 protested his innocence before heaven, and the girl, whose 
 name was Matura, declared her chastity as unsullied as 
 the driven snow, the father was not to be moved, but per- 
 
THE LANDING AT NEZUB. 427 
 
 emptorily ordering them both into a canoe, sent them to 
 drift at the mercy of the waves, a merited banishment — in 
 his eyes. Many years passed, and nothing being heard 
 of the priest and Matura,it was thought the sea had swal- 
 lowed them up, when they were discovered on this lonely 
 island by some Spanish adventurers from a neighboring 
 coast. The priest at once gave the visitors an account of 
 how the island rose from the ocean by special providence 
 for his protection, together with a minute description of all 
 that had taken place since iLeir banishment. He had 
 chanted vespers regularly three times a day, while Matura 
 had confessed to him, sang to him, and made him garments 
 of the feathers of birds, the flesh of which furnished them 
 with food. What seemed most singular, was that although 
 their locks were whitened with the cares of fourscore years, 
 both stood ready to swear before an inquisition of saints 
 that neither in thought nor deed had they sinned against 
 the commandments. 
 
 " Meanwhile the servant, instrumental in procuring the 
 banishment of the priest and Matura, was brought to his 
 death-bed, and as he was troubled about leaving this world 
 with so deep a crime in his heart, he came out and de- 
 clared that the charge he had brought against the priest 
 and Matura was a tissue of lies which he had been bribed 
 to promulgate by another priest, to whom he was in the 
 habit of confessing. But the innocence thus revealed was 
 of no avail; for the priest and Matura died on the island, 
 and there was an end of it as far as that went. 
 
 " The Spaniards returned and reported the discovery to 
 their people, as also the story of the priest and Matura. 
 Whereupon the Spaniards laid claims to Spark Island, they 
 being, as they asserted, the first discoverers. But the 
 story, together with the discovery, was not long in coursing 
 down the coast to the ears of the Kalnramas, who imme- 
 
428 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 diately fitted out a fleet of seven canoes, and dispatched 
 them in charge of twenty stalwarth natives and a priest, 
 who had taken high orders, such an one being held necessa- 
 ry to the safety of the expedition. Well, they descried the 
 island, and having landed, found the bones of the priest 
 and Matura in a cave, on the side of a steep bluff. And 
 when these were brought home, the people of Kalorama 
 went into deep mourning, and had them buried with great 
 ceremony in a grove of cocoanut trees, where all girls of 
 tender years were taught to go at early morning and lay 
 offerings of flowers upon the grave of Matura the innocent. 
 " But there soon sprung up a great dispute as to the 
 possession of this island. The Spaniards claimed it in 
 virtue of their discovery, while the Kaloramas, with no less 
 plausibility, asserted a priority by virtue of its having been 
 first inhabited by the priest and Matura, whom they 
 claimed as citizens of Kalorama. And, notwithstanding a 
 manuscript written by the priest while in his lonely exile, 
 and describing how an All-wise Providence had created 
 this island solely for his preservation, was by an intriguing 
 Spaniard placed in the hands of the King of the Kalo- 
 ramas as proof against his own countrymen, the question 
 of possession rose into such gigantic proportions that a 
 great war broke out between the disputants. And al- 
 though neither could ever hope to derive the slightest ben- 
 efit from its possession, the contest was bloody enough on 
 both sides. And when they had fought many battles, in- 
 volved various other nations, and desolated each other's 
 dominions, they agreed that each should send a deputa- 
 tion of not less than three priests, who, when they had 
 visited the island, should declare upon the merits of the 
 case. "Whereupon two expeditions were fitted out at great 
 cost of time and treasure ; but after cruising for more than 
 thirty days, not a vestige of Spark Island could they find. 
 
THE LANDING AT NEZUB. 429 
 
 Therefore, it was agreed among the priests that as a visi- 
 tation of providence had created the island for a holy pur^ 
 pose, so also had God iu his wisdom caused it to sink into 
 the sea, that an end might be put to the savage wars waged 
 for its possession. And as neither party could dispute 
 this solemn verdict of the priests, both cheerfully accepted 
 it, and were for ever after inalienable friends. And there 
 is an end to that, as far as it goes. 
 
 " It was generally agreed that Spark Island had van- 
 ished, for nearly a century passed, and not a mariner could 
 be found to say he had seen it, though several were ready 
 to swear by their buttons that they had heard mermaids 
 singing precisely where it once stood. And so matters re- 
 mained until a few years ago, when two of our enterprising 
 countrymen, who were cruising down this way in search 
 of adventures, came upon it, and finding it covered with a 
 rich and valuable manure, fancied it a new discovery, laid 
 claim to it in the name of our government, and, blinded by 
 their enthusiasm, declared it one of the greatest islands 
 history had any account of, though truly it was but six 
 furlongs long and four wide. Many and wonderful were 
 the representations made to our government by these ad- 
 venturers concerning this great discovery, and the benefits 
 that were to flow from it to our country. The humblest 
 husbandman was to get a mere pinch of its rich deposits, 
 and, having sprinkled it over his broad acres, would imme- 
 diately find them transferred into fields of luxuriant corn. 
 Mere ounces were to make fertile the most sterile lands ; 
 and even old Virginia put on her spectacles, and began 
 looking forward to the time when every bald hill, from 
 the Eappahannock to the Blue Eidge, would wear a rich 
 carpet of green. 
 
 " It was curious enough to see with what an open ear 
 the government listened to these wonderful stories, and 
 
430 ADVEXTUEES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 tlie agility witli -n-hicli it sent a great fleet, and a terri- 
 ble commorlore, to enforce our claim to the possession of this 
 island. A dispute now arose between the Kaloramas and 
 our government, regarding the nature of the discovery by 
 these adventurers, and many learned and very profound 
 opinions were given, describing its exact history and bound- 
 aries. When, however, we were on the point of declaring 
 war against the Kaloramas, as the most sure way of get- 
 ting the island, it turned out that all these authorities, dis- 
 covering such profound knowledge, were wide off the 
 mark. In addition to this, the fleet, after a long and pleas- 
 ant cruise, which afi'orded the oiEcers amusement enough 
 to last them a life-time, at length found the island, which 
 was so small that even the most reliable chart makers had 
 neglected to locate it. They were, therefore, so much di- 
 verted at its apparent insignificance that they came to the 
 very sensible conclusion that the few birds having their 
 nests in it had the best claim to it ; and, indeed, that to 
 disturb them would be to inflict a great cruelty. After 
 coining to this conclusion they returned home in excellent 
 humor, and reported the result of the expedition (the report 
 covered some sixteen folios) to the government at Wash- 
 ington, presenting it at the same time with a casket con- 
 taining four ounces of the rich and highly-scented treasure 
 found thereon. And I am informed that the government 
 was so pleased with the result of this costly expedition that 
 it has ever since remained profoundly silent on the sub- 
 ject — even refusing an enormous sum offered by a Phila- 
 delphia bookseller for the report, which he was anxious 
 to publish, out of sheer love for the public. However, 
 open questions of the smallest kind being indispensable to 
 great governments, inasmuch as they afford occupation to 
 diplomatists, and such idlers as follow the trade of politics, 
 I must not forget to mention here that our government 
 
THE LAIJDING AT NEZUB. 431 
 
 still continues secretly to dispute the point with the Kal- 
 oramas ; even threatening to thrash them right soundly, 
 unless they relinquish their claim. And here Spark 
 Island stands, like the lone steeple of some forsaken 
 church." Thus the commander concluded, when General 
 Potter, who declared the history had deeply interested 
 him, laid his hand confidentially on the arm of the 
 speaker, saying : " There is, I verily believe, something 
 said in my instructions concerning this Island. Just let 
 me alone, and I warrant to have it safe in the possession 
 of our government, (and a dozen more just like it !) in less 
 time than you have been talking about it. As for the priest, 
 though he never did me any harm, I hold it well that the 
 amorous rascal was banished in a canoe, that being an 
 easy way of getting rid of him. But my heart is tender, 
 and you speak in such praise of this Matura's heauty, and 
 chastity, that I shall surely go to bed weeping, if, indeed, 
 I do not dream of hand to hand combats with her hard- 
 hearted father. I shall not foiget this affair, Mr. Com- 
 mander ! and shall give King Nebo to understand that I 
 know all about the dirty tricks of his ancestors." 
 
 "I would like to know," inquired Mr. Tickler, "if there 
 was anything said in the manuscript left by the priest, 
 about his seeing Spark Island rise from the sea with his 
 own eyes ? " 
 
 " Nothing could have been more minutely described," 
 replied the commander. " One moment there was only a 
 hroad sea-plain before him, in the next he saw it shoot up 
 like a spark, which was why he called it Spark Island." 
 Mr. Tickler declared himself entirely satisfied with this 
 explanation, and was sure the priest could not have heen 
 mistaken. 
 
 When the night was far advanced the general and his 
 secretary retired to their cabins, where they slept soundly, 
 
432 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOE POTTER. 
 
 and awoke on the following morning, to find the ship 
 safely moored in a snug little cove or harbor, opposite the 
 Village of Buzahub, a seaport on the Coast of Kalorama, 
 and so buried in Mango and Pride of India trees, as 
 nearly to conceal the few shabby dwellings it contained. 
 The general was up before the monkeys began to 
 chatter, and anxiously paced the deck, in his new uniform, 
 seeming to care for no one but old Battle, whom he every 
 few minutes stopped to congratulate on the termination 
 of the voyage, all of which the faithful animal seemed 
 perfectly to understand. In truth, the general had evinced 
 so much solicitude for his horse during the passage, that 
 the officers and men were quite as much diverted with 
 the proofs of affection displayed by the faithful animal, 
 as they were at the eccentricities of his master. 
 
 When then the general had paced the deck a sufficient 
 length of time, he repaired to the cabin of his secretary, 
 saying : " Fi'iend Tickler, my learned secretarj', get speed- 
 ily up, for this is to be the most important day of my life, 
 outshining, by far, the day of my reception in New York. 
 Get up, write me a speech that shall become this remark- 
 able event, and so mix it up with Latin sentences, that these 
 savages will take me for a profound scholar, and pay me 
 courtesy accordingly ; for I have a fear of their knives, 
 which, I am told, have terminated the existence of sev- 
 eral ambassadors." 
 
CHAPTER XLVIII. 
 
 ONE OF THE MOST TRUTHFUL ACCOUNTS OF HOW GENE- 
 RAL POTTER SPENT A NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 
 
 Tickler rose quickly from his bath, and applied him- 
 self diligently to the manufacturing of a most wonderful 
 speech for his master. Nor was he at a loss for Latin 
 sentences ; for, having provided himself with a book of 
 Latin proverbs, he could have supplied a mob of politi- 
 cians with speeches, every word of which was Latin. 
 
 And so anxious was Tickler to serve his master, that 
 he broke not his fast during the morning ; nor, indeed, 
 was he aware that breakfast was over, until the booming 
 of thirteen guns brought him to a sense of his position. 
 And those thirteen guns were intended for a salute, and 
 were quite enough for a town so poor that it had not 
 wherewith to answer them ; and on that score excused 
 itself, for what might otherwise have been set down for a 
 grave insult. But the general set every gun down in honor 
 of himself, and was so vain of his exalted position, that 
 he approached the commander, saying : " I thank you 
 heartily for the great honor you have just paid me in the 
 guns ; and, let me tell you, sir, I value the compliment 
 more, since it comes from one so worthy of his country as 
 yourself. You have displayed great fortitude and valor dur- 
 ing this perilous voyage, which I shall not forget to men- 
 tion in my dispatches, while my secretary will make due 
 19 [433] 
 
434 ADVENTURES OF MAJOE POTTEE. 
 
 note of it in Bis letters to the newspapers, and I say it to 
 you in confidence, he is correspondent for no less than 
 seven." The commander bowed, and, smiling, thanked 
 the general for this expression of his high regard. 
 
 A fleet of canoes was now seen putting off from shore. 
 Advancing with great speed they soon reached the ship, 
 which they surrounded, while one of their number, bear- 
 ing two tawny chiefs, and a priest, who acted as an inter- 
 preter, made fast alongside. The chiefs and the priest 
 came speedily on board, and were welcomed by the com- 
 mander, with no little ceremony. And as the chiefs were 
 decked out in a great profusion of feathers, and cloaks 
 of as many colors as the rainbow, the general set them 
 down for at least sons of the king, and commenced 
 addressing them accordingly, when he was suddenly 
 interrupted by the commander, who informed him that 
 they were only messengers sent by the father, or chief 
 magistrate of the village, to inquire for what object the 
 ship was come. And when informed of the great and 
 important character of the mission, they presented tlie 
 ambassador, as they were pleased to call the general, with 
 two parrots and a male monkey, as a token of the friend- 
 ship intended by their king, and also as a means of dispell- 
 ing all apprehensions of evil designs. This done, (he 
 priest was invited into the cabin, where, to his great 
 delight, refreshments were served, to which were added 
 sundry strong beverages, which he drank with such avidity 
 and evident relish, that the commander began to have 
 fears for the safety of his understanding. Being a man 
 of great compassion, the commander got the priest away ; 
 Thereupon he joined the chief, and together they returned 
 to make preparations for the reception of our hero and his 
 secretary. And when it was well nigh high noon, the gen- 
 eral and his secretary disembarked amidst the booming of 
 
A NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 435 
 
 guns and the buzzas of the crew. And although this af- 
 iforded him no small amount of pleasure, he expressed great 
 anxiety lest the landing of old Battle be delayed another 
 minute j " for,'' said he, " if it be necessary to make an im- 
 pression on these savages, then let me have my horse, and 
 youshall see how quick I will do it." As these little evi- 
 dences of his weakness only served the more to divert the 
 officeis, they proceeded forthwith to effect the landing. 
 Scarcely had he set foot on shore, however, when he was 
 surrounded by a swarm of tawny beings, naked almost to 
 the buff, and so eager to get a sight at so great an ambas- 
 sador, that they pressed forward with a clamor that threat- 
 ened the most serious results to life and limbs, at the same 
 time interposing a serious impediment to the progress of his 
 train. Nor did his great rotundity, and the queer figure 
 he cut in his uniform tend to lesson their excitement ; for 
 they commenced capering round him, hooting, and per- 
 forming the most amusing antics,-^all of which he mistook 
 for expressions of gratitude and joy. But as it was a cus- 
 tom with our government to select for ministers men who 
 could not understand one word of the language spoken at 
 the court to which they were accredited, so in this instance 
 did its results prove highly fortunate ; for, as neither could 
 understand a word the other said, our government was 
 saved from being called upon to resent the most flagrant 
 outrages ever offered to one of its ministers. But as for- 
 tune always favors the great and chivalrous, the priest 
 with whom he had an interview in the morning, suddenly 
 came to the rescue, and so great was his power over the 
 poor natives, that they held their peace at the raising of 
 his finger, and dispersed to a respectful distance at his 
 bidding. 
 
 Diminutive asses were now brought, and when the 
 company were mounted, the priest escorted them, on foot, 
 
436 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to a little chapel, in which were assembled divers other 
 priests and dignitaries, whose raiment bore a strong resemj 
 blance to the venerable wardrobe of one of our bankrupt 
 theatres. Here the general was welcomed by the priest, 
 in return for which he delivered them the speech prepared 
 for him by his secretary. But not one word of the Latin that 
 gentleman had so liberally thrown in, could the priests 
 understand, though they were complete masters of the 
 tongue. 
 
 As for the town itself, it was composed of detached 
 huts, built of mud and sticks, and in keeping with the 
 degraded condition of the poor natives, between whom 
 and the priests and renegades, who affected to govern 
 them, a strange confusion of understandings existed. In 
 speaking of renegades, it may be well to mention that the 
 town seemed to swarm with flaxen-headed children, some 
 toddling about in their bare buff, some basking in the sun, 
 and others devouring plantains and pomegranates. 
 Indeed, there were various proofs of an infusion of rene- 
 gade blood, rarely met with in so remote a country. 
 Further observation also discovered the fact, that even 
 the dogs, and the pigs, and the cattle were a cross 
 with other species of animals, and partook largely of the 
 spirit of animosity that ruled between the priests and the 
 renegades. In truth, no two could be found living in har- 
 mony. And strange as it may seem, the natives of 
 Buzabub, although bountifully supplied with whiskey, 
 powder and priests, were at the lowest point of civiliza- 
 tion. And yet, heaven knows, these modern messengers 
 of civilization had done much to sweep away the primitive 
 virtues of the poor Kaloramas. 
 
 When the ceremony of presentation was over, and such 
 hospitalities as the town afforded proffered the general 
 and his secretary, they were made comfortable at the 
 
A NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 437 
 
 house of a priest, for three days must elapse before the 
 kings's permission to proceed to Nezub, which was some 
 ten leagues inland, would arrive ; and no ambassador 
 ever dared to advance without it The general was also 
 informed that it was customary for all great ambassadors 
 to travel in a sort of palanquin, borne by four stalwarth 
 natives, who were relieved every two miles. And this 
 journey, he was gravely assured, would occupy not less 
 than eight days ; but as the train would be accompanied 
 by a priest and two renegades (the latter acting as inter- 
 preters), the time would pass pleasantly enough. " Odds 
 me ! " exclaimed the general ; " but this riding in such a 
 machine, Mr. Priest, does not comport with my notion of 
 dignity." " Your excellence," replied the priest, " must 
 remember that there are various opinions as to what con- 
 stitutes true dignity. For myself, 1 hold to Saint Peter's 
 notion, that a man may maintain his dignity, though 
 clothed in sackcloth. And since no really great ambassa- 
 dor ever thought of travelling in any other manner, I 
 think you may venture to follow their example, without 
 fear of damaging your dignity." This so completely 
 reconciled the general, that he declared all his objections 
 removed, and enjoined the priest not to think him a whit 
 behind any ambassador he might have in his eye. But 
 Mr. Tickler was seriously discomfitted. " Pray," said he, 
 with an air of great anxiety, " will your reverence be 
 good enough to say how I am to accompany his excel- 
 lency, for I am a poor critic, and know but little of these 
 affairs.'' 
 
 " Secretaries," rejoined the priest, "follow their masters, 
 mounted on a mule, and he in turn is followed by two 
 renegades, similarly mounted ; the priest following, mount- 
 ed on an ass. And this is strictly in accordance with 
 an ancient custom, for the priest being necessary to the 
 
438 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 strict morality of the train, it is becoming that he should 
 humble himself." Mr. Tickler shook his head, and was ev- 
 idently much disappointed at the shabby position he was to 
 occupy in the train. Indeed, he wished himself back in 
 New York a dozen times, and swore he would consider it 
 a kindness if the devil had his secretaryship. Encour- 
 aged, however, with extravagant promises of what the 
 future might have in store for him, he betook himself 
 diligently in writing long and very eulogistic articles to 
 the New York newspapers, in which he described the 
 great deference paid them by the officers during the 
 voyage, the wonderful reception at Buzabub, the great 
 resources of the country, and the immense advantages 
 that must result from this mission. Nor did Tickler forget 
 to mention that General Roger Potter was exactly the 
 man to effect all our objects. Three whole days did the 
 cunning critic occupy in the preparation of these marvel- 
 lous accounts ; which were so well larded with Latin quo- 
 tations that the writers for " Putnam " went into eestacies 
 of delight over their great literary merits. 
 
 During this time the general 'became a lion of no small 
 dimensions, and whether mounted on old Battle, or afoot, 
 was so great an object of attraction that a swarm of ur- 
 chins, from the smallest toddler in his buff to the more ma- 
 ture imp of fourteen, persisted in following close at his 
 heels, presenting him with pomegranates and plantains, 
 and, indeed, offering him such salutations as their instincts 
 directed ; for they fancied him the great school-master 
 they had been told would one day come from the East to 
 teach them how to be great men. 
 
 While all these things, then, were progressing, and the 
 general seemed leaping to the apex of his fame, the officers 
 of the ship, not content with the joke they had already 
 perpetrated, resolved on having such a parting with him 
 
A NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 439 
 
 as would be both amusing and instructive. They there- 
 fore invited him to a grand banquet, which they repre- 
 sented as given out of sheer respect to his rare qualities 
 as a diplomat'st. And as he held all these ovations as so 
 many jewels in the coronet of his popularitj', the invita- 
 tion was readily accepted. In truth, he flattered himself 
 that news of this grand banquet woUld get to the ears of 
 the king, who, seeing how much he was esteemed by his 
 own countrymen, could not fail to make him any conces- 
 sion he might demand. He thereupon commanded his sec- 
 retary to make him a speech of great strength and beauty, 
 that he might astonish them quite as much with the pro- 
 foundness of his learning as with the clearness of his un- 
 derstanding. ' Faith ! I am ready to write your excellency 
 speeches by the dozen, with the quality to your mind; but 
 as you never stick to one of them, I would suggest that if 
 you but condescend to advance me a trifle of my salary, I 
 can employ the time much more to my liking ; for several 
 comely damsels, with rich-olive complexions, have already 
 sang to me, and, as your excellency knows, I am a critic 
 of tender parts." 
 
 " I see your drift, friend Tickler. But keep the devil 
 from your elbow and you will soon forget the songs of 
 these damsels. If they throw a sly wink or two, turn 
 your back and walk away. Do this, and I will answer 
 for your virtue. As to the speeches, no man could have 
 made them more to my mind ; and it was merely to show 
 you the breadth of my own capacity that I did not stick 
 to them.'' 
 
 "Yes, and there's the Latin! Though I crammed in 
 my whole book of quotations, you would so hack it up in 
 the delivery that neither the priests nor the devil could 
 understand a word of it," curtly retorted Mr. Tickler. 
 
 When night came, they all prepared for the banquet, 
 
440 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 which, although not so sumptuous as those given in New 
 York to great officials, was by no means a meagre aifair, 
 since it included a variety of dishes held as great delica- 
 cies by the Kaloramas. As to wines, the officers had an 
 ample supply brought from the ship. All stronger bever- 
 ages were got of the host of the inn in which the banquet 
 was to come off, a fellaw calling himself Fareni Faschi, but 
 whose real name was Philip Fitzpatrick, a renegade who 
 had committed crimes enough in New York, which place 
 he trusted to his heels and left, in order to save his neck. 
 Not to keep the reader longer in suspense, I wiU here in- 
 form him, whether gentle or simple, that no such ban- 
 quet had ever before been given in Buzabub, and that 
 General Potter took his seat on the right of the chairman, 
 (who was no less a person than the commander I) amidst 
 the sounding- of trumpets and the jingling of symbol-bells. 
 And so scrupulous was he of his uniform, that an attend- 
 ant placed before him — not a napkin — but a large table- 
 cloth, which so added to the humorous aspect of his face 
 that even the priests present could not resist a smile. All 
 now proceeded as jubilant as a marriage in Canon. The 
 general gorged himself as never minister gorged himself 
 before. Even Mr. Tickler, who sat at his right, looked 
 with astonishment at the skill and alacrity with which 
 his master demolished (he various dishes set before him. 
 As to the punches, highly-spiced cordials, and wines, he 
 mixed them indiscriminately, and drank themwith such a 
 rapidity that Tickler became alarmed for the safety of his 
 understanding. Indeed, it was so evident that his intel- 
 lect was becoming deranged that the officers ordered the 
 cotirses hurried as much as possible, for they were anx- 
 ious to be rid of the priests, before wliom they would not 
 for the world have their country's great representative do 
 aught damaging to liis reputation. AYhen, then, the at- 
 
A NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 441 
 
 tendants came to remove the cloth, the general looked up 
 ■with astonishment, and addressed one of them thus : " I 
 would not have yon stop for me, gentlemen waiters, for I 
 am a slow and dainty eater, and would like another turn 
 at that well-seasoned pie." Tickler, who had been no 
 way dainty about the number of glasses he quietly quaffed, 
 touched his master significantly on the elbow. " Tour ex- 
 cellency has need to look well to his manners," said he, 
 " for those priests have their eyes polished, and are whis- 
 pering no good." 
 
 " That dish of which your excellency has eaten with so 
 much relish," rejoined the waiter, " is snale patte, a dish 
 BO rare and savory that it is all eaten up : but if your ex- 
 cellency will be patient we will have some more prepared 
 expressly for him." 
 
 " Heavens, sir ! spare yourself the trouble ; for if it be 
 such meat I have been eating, why then, to the priests 
 with it ; for I shall soon need a doctor." The priests over- 
 heard this remark, and thereupon arose, returned thanks, 
 and retired. The chairman rose as soon as they were 
 gone and made a speech, which he addressed to our hero, 
 and with such clever irony that he sent the whole com- 
 pany into a titter. He congratulated our country on the 
 possession of so famous a diplomatist as General Potter, a 
 gentleman whose name would be a gem in our history, and 
 whose wonderful achievements as a statesman had shed 
 lustre upon our country's fame. " We have accompanied 
 him here in safety ; we regret to part with him ; but feel- 
 ing that he will prove himself a faithful sentinel of our 
 country's interests, we devoutly pray that his mission may 
 be an unprecedented round of successes,"' said he. In- 
 deed, he astonished every one present with his facility for 
 paying compliments, and so confused the general that he 
 was at a loss what to say in reply. In short, he declared 
 19* 
 
442 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 government had a ricli inheritance in such persons, and 
 was moved by a wise policy in sending abroad gentlemen 
 not encumbered with a whole Babylon of tongues. 
 
 When the chairman had finished his speech the general 
 rose with great pomp and circumstance to reply. He 
 cast a wild and confused look about him, and then paused 
 as if to collect his thoughts. " It must not be said of me 
 that making speeches is not one of my functions, for, as 
 your honor knows, I have made a score of them recently ; 
 but that which I just now had so pat at my tongue's end, 
 and was just the speech for you, has got right out of my 
 head, which just now feels like a split mountain. What 
 you say of my services to my country is true enougli ; 
 for I am none of your thieving politicians, but a man who 
 acts under the patronage of honesty, which heaven knows 
 is enough for any patidot. Faith of my father ! and I can 
 tell you that these expressions of sincerity and esteem 
 gratify me much, for they are like so many suns and stars 
 in the firmament of my glory — " 
 
 " If your excellency would only throw in a little of the 
 Latin," interrupted Mr. Tickler, in a whisper ; " such 
 another chance will not offer these three years." Biit he 
 resumed, heedless of the admonition : " And I would have 
 every man who goes abroad carry his country in his 
 pocket, not forgetting to take it out now and then for tlie 
 purpose of worship." The speaker here became confused, 
 and after making several ineffectual efforts to continue, 
 settled into his chair and held his peace, as the command- 
 er and most of the gnests took their departure, much grat- 
 ified with the evening's entertainment. The general was 
 now left with the officers and his secretary. And these 
 fine young gentlemen were so bent on mischief that they 
 pledged the "ambassador" and Mr. Tickler in bumpers, 
 and with snch rapidity that both were soon in a state of 
 
A NIGHT AMONG THE DEAD. 443 
 
 stupefaction. And for the nonce they laid the general fall 
 length upon the table. Mr. Tickler they placed in a sort 
 of pillory with his hands and feet secured, his face painter' 
 most hideously, and the stuffed image of a huge Indian 
 of savage aspect, fronting him, his spear poised. 
 
 And now, when it was passed midnight ; when every 
 snake in Buzabub had coiled himself up, shut his eyes 
 and gone quietly to sleep ; when pestering centipedes, liz- 
 ards, and cockroaches were gone peaceably to their holes ; 
 and not even a monkey winked, lest he disturb the ele- 
 ments, which were hushed into perfect silence, — there 
 might have been seen at the door of the inn no less an an- 
 imal than old Battle, harnessed to a vehicle quite resem- 
 bling those hearses used in the villages of New Jersey, 
 and presenting in the pale moonlight a figure both forlorn 
 and ludicrous. And this was further increased by a figure 
 representing Death, mounted upon the poor animal, with 
 his scythe and glass adjusted — the whole presenting a 
 picture of death very like that described in Eevelations as 
 seated upon the pale horse. The face of the figure was 
 deathly pale, his raiment was a sheet, and a tall, white cap 
 was on his head ; and for the rest he was in his buff. On 
 the hinder part of the vehicle a figure of Time was mounted ; 
 while still another, representing the devil, was gravely 
 mounted on a seat in front. Four mischievously-inclined 
 gentlemen now made their appearance, staggering under 
 the weight of our great and wonderful " ambassador," 
 whom they thrust, head-foremost, into the vehicle. Never 
 was minister plenipotentiary handled with so little cere- 
 mony : never was so famous a war-horse made to perform 
 such shabby service, to the serious damage of his master's 
 great reputation. 
 
 At the word, this curiously-equipped cortege drove rap- 
 idly to a great grotto, in which the distinguished dead of 
 
441 AnVEN'TURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 Nezub were placed, preparatory to being prayed tlirougli 
 purgatory by the priests. And here, having safely se- 
 cured and barricaded the entrance. General Roger Potter 
 — statesman, philosopher, warrior, and politician — was 
 left to sleep in the company of his faithful horse and the 
 dead. 
 
CHAPTER XLIX. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OP WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN THE GEN- 
 ERAL A'SD HIS SECRETARY GAINED THEIR UNDER- 
 STANDINGS. 
 
 Like one slowly regaining from a state of stupor, witli 
 a generally disordered system and grievously sore bones, 
 the general came to his understanding on the following 
 morning, and to his utter astonishment found himself in a 
 position where he could neither move to the right nor the 
 left. All was dark, and a silence as of the tomb reigned. 
 He had a dim recollection of the banquet ; the vagaries 
 of his past life flashed through his mind ; the grand 
 achievements he had fancied marking his future dwindled 
 into disappointment. As I'm a sinner," said he, strug- 
 gling in vain to extricate himself, "this mission of mine is 
 not all sunshine and feather beds." He now heard the 
 kicking and frisking of his horse, and becoming somewhat 
 alarmed, bawled out at the top of his voice for Father Se- 
 gong and his secretary. But as his wily secretary was in 
 no condition to come to his relief, even had he been within 
 hearing distance, and the good priest was fast asleep in 
 his chamber, the only reply he got was the echoes of his 
 own bawlings. Mistaking the nature of the sounds, he 
 came to the conclusion that the good priest had turned 
 joker, and was trifling with his misfortunes. Losing his 
 patience, then, he called his elbows into service, and suc- 
 ceeded after much perturbation in escaping feet-foremost 
 from his shell. And as he stood erect upon his feet, a 
 
 [445] 
 
446 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 thousand queer fancies again crowded upon his mind and 
 so haunted his imagination that all his courage vanished, 
 and he began to feel in his heart that he had fallen into a 
 trance, and been buried alive by the priests, who had left 
 him in a state of probation until they could find time to praj 
 him through purgatory. He felt and felt about the vehi- 
 cle and the horse, who was so high of bone that he at once 
 recognized him. " Battle ! Battle ! my trusty friend ! " 
 he exclaimed, almost dissolved in tears, " could I have 
 seen that this was to be our end ! " And with these words 
 of condolence he patted him upon the neck until the animal 
 was so deeply moved that he acknowledged the kindness 
 •with a neigh that sent all the bats in the grotto to flutter- 
 ing ; the noise of which was like distant thunder, and 
 sent such a thrill of terror to the heart of our warrior that 
 he opened not his mouth for several minutes. Indeed, as 
 his courage bad run out, he was upon the eve of giving 
 himself up to de.spair. But discovering the cause, and 
 suddenly calling to mind that he was a military man, as 
 well as a politician, he regained his courage for the nonce, 
 and feeling for his sword, which, fortunately, he had left 
 at home, declared he would be the death of every bat in 
 the cave. 
 
 The writer of this history, duly mindful of the value 
 • of truth, and moved by the great x-egard for that high honor 
 and sincerity which rules at this day, feels constrained here 
 to confess that the general was not without a suspicion 
 that there might be a joke at the bottom of it all. He 
 therefore commenced searching for an opening, but had 
 not proceeded far when a faint gleam of light flashed 
 through a crevice near the entrance, and, to his horror, 
 discovered rows of rude coffins, standing upright, but with 
 the ghastly faces of their inmates exposed, and made moie 
 unnatural by a pale glow of light playing over them. " Pro- 
 
HIS RELEASE. 447 
 
 tect me, father, protect me, for I am but a weak sinuer, 
 at thj' mercy," he muttered, and fell upon his knee, as eve- 
 ry ounce of his courage left him ; several times he essayed 
 to continue his prayer, but as praying was no part of his 
 political creed, and was little practised by military men, 
 his tongue failed to serve him. Sure now that he had 
 been buried alive, he gave out several loud shrieks, and 
 regaining his thoughts, said in a low, supplicating tone. 
 " I acknowledge, O forgiving Lord, to have committed 
 manifold sins, and to have merited the devil and his pun- 
 ishment, since, being a politician, I have told lies enough 
 to sink a kingdom. Forgive me for the many stories I 
 have told. I never was in Mexico, and solemnly declare 
 that if you will be merciful to me, and restore me to my 
 family, that I may not die in this charnel house, to for- 
 sake the life of a politician, and so devote myself to 
 doing your will that when the end comes I shall surely 
 be fit for the kingdom of heaven. Yes, merciful and 
 forgiving Lord, there 's that story of my first adventure 
 in New York ; draw near and forgive me, for I solemnly 
 declare there is not a grain of truth in the whole of it, as 
 you will see by comparing it with the facts of history." 
 Again his tongue failed to serve him in prayer ; again he 
 yielded to his doubts ; again he commenced shrieking at 
 the very top of his voice. And this proved a most 
 fortunate expedient, for an Indian girl, straying that 
 way, overheard these distressing cries, and surmising that 
 they proceeded from the grotto, hastened to the door, and 
 letting down a little trap, a stream of light was admitted 
 into the cave, when she discovered the general, who as 
 suddenly started to his feet, and forgetting his promises 
 to the angels, ran to the trap, and looking out into a 
 sort of trench, demanded of the girl, (she was running 
 terrified unto death,) that she stop and relieve him from 
 
44:8 ADVENTURES OF ilAJOE POTTER. 
 
 liis perilous position. But the girl raa screaming to the 
 inn, and bid the host get to the grotto, " for" said she, in 
 her own tongue, " I saw the devil in it, and he is surely 
 the devil, for my eyes are good, and he looks exactly as 
 father Segong describes him. 
 
 The host and several of the officers, swearing to have 
 vengeance of the perpetrators of so foul a deed, hastened 
 to the grotto, tore away the barricades, and affecting great 
 indignation at the insult offered their representative, set 
 liim free. Indeed he had no sooner sallied forth than they 
 beset him with offers of assistance to ferret out and hang 
 the robbers, who they had not a doubt were the authors 
 of this grave attempt on his life. They also vied with 
 each other in offering him their regrets, which were 
 bestowed with so much apparent sincerity that he was 
 almost moved to tears, and at once set himself down as 
 a man in no want of warm and true-hearted friends. 
 '' Verily-, gentlemen, I thought my end was come, but my 
 courage was not shaken a whit ; I just resigned myself, for 
 the soldier who fears death deserves a good hanging. But, 
 pray Mr. Landlord, for you are no fool, what sort of a 
 place do you call that ! And if you say it was robbers 
 who played me this dirty trick, why, I am content ; but 
 I have a notion that the priests know something about it, 
 and in truth took this method of being rid of me, as well 
 as getting a job at praying me into a better world." The 
 general said this with so much simplicity of manner that 
 the officers were astonished at his self-complacency. As 
 to the host, he replied with becoming gravity, assuring 
 the general that it was no trick of the priests, who vrere 
 good and hol^' men, but of the Tutack robbers, who 
 came from a neighboring country, and were much given to 
 carrying off travellers of distinction, for whose ransom 
 they demanded large sums. "If you will but give me the 
 
HIS RELEASE. 449 
 
 name of this country," interposed one of the officers, " we 
 will sail there with the frigate, and take revenge for this 
 insult offered to our representative ; yes, we will blow 
 down every town on the seaboard." 
 
 " If there be towns to blow down, the order must come 
 ft'om me, gentlemen. But we will let that matter rest 
 until I get my army,'' rejoined the general, rubbing his 
 eyes, and continuing to disfigure his face by mixing the 
 colors with which they had painted it. 
 
 They had now reached the inn when they assisted him 
 in washing his face, which they swore the bats had sadly 
 disfigured. They also convinced him that they had been 
 since grey dawn, searching the country round for him, 
 which increased his confidence in their sincerity. And 
 when he was restored to his natural brightness, and felt 
 within himself that his dignity had not received the 
 slightest damage, and indeed that such small misfortunes 
 in no way interfered with his capacity to make great 
 treaties in behalf of his country, the officers escorted him 
 to the house of good father Segong, and then took a final 
 leave of him. Not a word did they lisp concerning what 
 had befallen his secretary. 
 
 On entering the house, which he did with a slight 
 misgiving as to the quality of reception he would meet, 
 the priest greeted him warmly, and made known to him 
 the anxiety he had felt at his absence. " For," said he, 
 " prayers were postponed, and breakfast has waited your 
 excellency nearly an hour." Being told that his sec- 
 retary was in the next room, he immediately repaired 
 thither, and was much concerned to find him in great 
 grief of mind. '' If your excellency will but discharge 
 me here, and put me in a way to get the trifle that is due 
 me, that I may not starve while seeking my way home, 
 he shall have my praj-ers all the rest of his life," spoke 
 
450 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the secretary, looking up with so solemn a countenance 
 that no man of heart could have withheld his pity. 
 
 " Pray, friend Tickler, what has befallen you ? " in- 
 quired the general, with an air of astonishment. 
 
 " Yes ! what has befallen me 1 That's neither here nor 
 there ! If instead of assisting you in making treaties, 
 going to court, and enjoying ladies of distinction, the 
 functions of a secretary consist in his being the victim of 
 everybody's jokes, and getting trundled about like a 
 Connecticut bumpkin, then I have no love for the office, 
 and am resolved to return to my profession of critic ; for 
 I hold it better a man starve to death, than to be killed 
 outright by these tortures." Not satisfied with this ex- 
 planation, the general demanded that he should proceed. 
 Tickler thereupon gave him an account of what had 
 occurred ; saj'ing that when he came to his senses, he 
 found the Indian facing him, with a poised spear ; and 
 indeed everything that took place, except the fury exited 
 by his fears, and the manner in which he alternately 
 shouted and prayed until he was released ; to all of which 
 the general listened attentively, but lisped not a word 
 concerning his own troubles. In short, it was no difficult 
 matter to see that Mr. Tickler had been harshly dealt 
 with. " Friend Tickler ! " exclaimed the general, "being 
 a man of strong understanding, it is not becoming of you 
 to take these trifles so to heart. And j'ou are mistaken 
 if you set it down to those young gentlemen, for I can 
 swear it was done by the Tutack robbers, who were bent 
 on having your money. But remember, that the more 
 fortitude you display during the assaults of your enemies, 
 the better will you be prepared to enjoy the luxuries 
 that are in store for us both. Pray remember what glory 
 there is in being a great diplomatist, which I warrant to 
 make you. As to money, why, your pockets shall be full 
 
HIS RELEASE. 451 
 
 when we get to Nezub. Drive these trifles from your 
 mind, let your thoughts be on your country, and when 
 the time comes, I will make you a major, for I see you 
 have gallantry ! " 
 
 " It is well your excellency says that, since no man can 
 say aught against my gallantry. And if it be to put it 
 to this test, then I stick to your excellency, if he go to 
 the devil." They now returned and took breakfast with 
 the priest, receiving his blessing when it was over, and 
 then proceeded to make pre], rations for the journey. 
 
CHAPTER L. 
 
 IN WHICH THE HEADER WILL FIND THE MOST FAITHFUL 
 ACCOtTNT OF THE JOURNEY TO NEZUB ; AND ALSO 
 WHAT TOOK PLACE WHEN GENERAL POTTER WAS 
 PRESENTED TO THE KING. 
 
 When it was high noon, the usually quiet town of 
 Buzabub was suddenly thrown into a state of great 
 commotion. Horns were sounded, reeds blown, and bells 
 jingled. In fine, so many and various were the ways in 
 which homage was paid to the departure of the " great 
 ambassador," that it would be impossible to enumerate 
 them in this history. 
 
 A messenger now entered the priest's house to an- 
 nounce the readiness of the train ; and as his reverence 
 had prepared his saddle-bags and umbrella, and laid in a 
 good stock of provisions, he led the way into the street, 
 followed by the general and his secretary. Here they 
 found the renegades, both clad in loose robes, already 
 mounted on their mules, which displeased the good father, 
 for he was a man of courtesy, and knew what was due to 
 rank. After some debate as to the position old Battle 
 should take, it was agreed that he follow next the palan- 
 quin, and be led by a native ; and this so delighted the 
 genera], that he promised to remember it all the rest of 
 his life. He then took his seat, satisfied with himself and 
 all the rest of mankind. And the priest having mounted 
 his ass, and Mr. Tickler his mule, this wonderful train of 
 cattle, so remarkably mounted, set off under a burning sun, 
 [4521 
 
THE JOURNEY TO NEZUB. 453 
 
 the general in the van, and the priest bringing up the 
 rear, with his broad umbrella spread. As for the pro- 
 vision bearers, they shouldered their packs, and were 
 followed by a tumultuous throng, sounding horns and 
 cheering until they had reached some distance beyond the 
 town. 
 
 For seven days they journeyed in this pleasant man- 
 ner, resting to take refreshments three times a day, pitch- 
 ing their tents at night beneath palm trees, or in mango 
 groves, interspersing mass and prayers with various amuse- 
 ments for the diversion of the general and the priest, who 
 was a good lover of jokes, and indeed had no very high 
 opinion of those of his order who go about with doleful coun- 
 tenances. And when they were halted, the general got of 
 the priest much concerning the difierences existing between 
 his order and the renegades, between whom a deadly fued 
 existed, both struggling for an ascendancy in the govern- 
 ment. Tickler also found excellent companions in the 
 renegades, with whom he discussed matters of ancestry 
 and books, of which both professed to know much, though 
 truely they were ignorant men, and as great knaves as 
 ever left their own country to pester the authorities of 
 another. They were also curious to learn of Tickler 
 what had brought his master to Kalorama ; but on that 
 score he was as ignorant as themselves, though of his 
 master's influence at home he assured them no man had 
 more. He also gave them a wonderful account of his 
 many achievements in war. 
 
 Thus they journeyed, the simple-minded inhabitants of 
 each village through which they passed welcoming them 
 \vith salutations of joy, paying great reverence to the priest 
 and his ass, and regaling them with fruits and such other 
 refreshments as their humble plantations afforded. 
 
 Starting early on the morning of the eighth day, they 
 
454 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 had proceeded some four miles up a gradually inclining 
 slope, when the City of Nezub appeared in sight, on the 
 brow of a hill, almost buried in a grove of palms, and 
 surrounded by picturesque scenery, over which the clear 
 atmosphere threw a charm not easily described. Clumps 
 of mango, palm, and olive trees gave a beautiful contrast 
 to the softer herbage on the slopes ; while the earth 
 seemed teeming with the richest flowers, impregnating 
 the air with their sweet odors. 
 
 When they were within a mile of the city, numerous 
 shabby-looking dignitaries, and a great concourse of half- 
 naked people, came out to meet them, and amidst music 
 and rejoicing accompanied them to the city, and indeed, 
 seemed anxious to carry the priest and his ass on their 
 shoulders, though they were inclined to make derision cf 
 old Battle's shabby appearance. And now, when the 
 bearers had carried the general to a little cottage, pro- 
 vided for him at the expense of the king, and he was 
 safely lodged in his quarters, the good priest took leave 
 of him with a prayer for his soul, and went to his home 
 feeling that he had rendered all the service required of 
 him. " Upon mj' soul," said the general, when the priest 
 was gone, " but they would not make all this ceremony 
 if they knew the drift of my mind. Take notice. Tickler, 
 that they have here a fine country, which is so scurvily 
 governed, that to my mind there would be no harm in 
 taking it away from them." 
 
 " Your excellency knows best about that," replied Mr. 
 Tickler, " but the devil take me if I want to share the 
 hanging you might get in playing at that game. Please 
 run your eye over the instructions, and see what they 
 say on that head." 
 
 " I see, friend Tickler, that you are not skilled in these 
 matters, for you cannot tell what is in the egg until you 
 
THE JOtrRNEY TO NEZUB, 455 
 
 break it. And as it is customary with tlie best of our 
 ministers to look over instead of into their instructions, 
 you will not find me behind any of them, for I intend to 
 astonish with the audacity of my undertakings. Mark 
 that well. And if you have not courage to join me in 
 these things, why, the quicker you get home the better, 
 for I hold that a man of your metal is always best off 
 where his gallantry and such other graces as heaven has 
 blessed him with will attract most adorers." 
 
 " Faith of my mother ! but your excellency talks 
 queerly. I have not a dollar in my pocket, and you bid 
 me get home over a road lined with robbers" interrupted 
 Mr. Tickler. " Now that I am here, and owe a service to 
 the country of my adoption, it shall not be said that I left 
 your excellency, who will see my courage come out when 
 he affords me an opportunity." They now spent three 
 days in close consultation on the precise language necessary 
 in addressing the king at the first audience, which he had 
 signified his readiness, to grant on the morning of the 
 fourth day. The general insisted that it be interpersed 
 with so much latin as to confuse both the king and the 
 interpreter, though botb were profound scholars. " I 
 have rare skill in mixing latin, as your excellency knows 
 but you grind it iip so in the delivery that neither the king 
 nor the devil can understand a word of it. And as your 
 English is good enough for the best of them, I would 
 advise you to stick to it, since no great military man ever 
 gained anything by dabbling in classics." This so touched 
 the chord on which all the general's weaknesses hung that 
 he went right into a rapsody of delight. " I begin to be 
 of your way of thinking, fiiend Tickler," said he, tossing his 
 head approvingly. " I have speeches enough in my head, 
 and am resolved to make the first that comes to my 
 tongues end." 
 
456 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 And now, when the morning on which they were to have 
 an audience with the king was come, the general arrayed 
 himself in his hest uniform, not forgetting his three cornered 
 hat and white gloves ; and mounting old Battle as Mr. 
 Tickler mounted his mule, they proceeded to the king's 
 palace, a rude building of palm logs, situated in a pretty 
 square, and surrounded by shade trees and clustering 
 vines. Here they were received with the blowing of horns 
 and jingling of bells ; which continued to keep up a 
 deafening sound while they were being conducted into the 
 presence of his majesty, who wore a bright red cloak, and 
 a hat quite resembling that of a Beadle. In complexion 
 his majesty was a shade darker than ebony, and as to 
 figure, he was as stalwarth a sovereign, though perhaps 
 not as clean a one, as could be found in all the kingdoms 
 round about : in short, if his majesty was none of the clean- 
 est, he at least wore a contented air, which is rare with 
 kings. And as he sat on his throne of ingeniously woven 
 ■palm-leaves, he seemed more intent on viewing his pipes 
 and holding a parley with various priests than listening to 
 the address of the famous representative. Indeed I very 
 much doubt if a wiser king ever lived, for he evinced a hap- 
 py indifference for anything but his own comfort. A fellow 
 of ponderous belly and face, calling himself Don Perez Gone- 
 ti, but whose real name was Peletiah Anseeth, a renegade, 
 and as arrant a rascal as ever left Georgia to save his neck, 
 now came forward, and addressing the general, informed 
 him that he was the king's keeper, and lawgiver to the 
 nation. This announcement surprised the general, for the 
 man was dressed in a yellow tunic, with blue tights, and a 
 red ruffle about his neck. In fine, it must be confessed 
 that this Don Perez Goneti bore a much stronger resem- 
 blance to an escaped convict, or a street juggler, than to a 
 great lawgiver. A consultation now took place between 
 
THE JOURNEY TO NEZUB. 457 
 
 this great lawgiver and the general, as to whether the 
 speech of the latter would be acceptable to his majesty. 
 " For," said the lawgiver, " his majesty is no fool." 
 " And if he takes me for one, it will not be wise of him ! " 
 replied the general. The lawgiver now presented the 
 general, with uncommon ceremony. And although the 
 king bowed, it was evident he regarded the plenipotentiary 
 with inward suspicion, and would have thanked heaven 
 to be rid of both him and his secretary. The general 
 tugged up his breeches, and with an air of self-complacency 
 truly admirable, spoke as follows, the lawgiver acting as 
 interpreter. " May it please your majesty, to whose 
 gracious consideration I commend myself, I am general 
 Eoger Sherman Potter, of whom I make no doubt your 
 majesty has heard enough said. And this gentleman 
 (here he turned to Mr. Tickler) is my secretary, perhaps 
 not so well known, but, nevertheless, a man of reputation." 
 
 The king yawned and inquired of his minister what 
 the queer looking man said. 
 
 " He says your majesty is a great potentate, which is 
 true enough. But he requests that you acknowlege him 
 the greatest living ambassador ! Honestly, your majesty, 
 he Las great skill as a jester, which I take it is why he 
 was sent here." 
 
 " Let him proceed, for if he be a fool, what he says 
 touching our greatness may be turned to profit. Let him 
 proceed, that he prove the wisdom of his government in 
 sending him." The lawgiver now bid the general pro- 
 ceed. 
 
 "Here are my credentials," resumed the general, and if 
 your majesty will run his eye over them, he will see 
 that the president of the United States accredits me 
 minister extraordinary to your majesty's court. That 
 being a proof of his good will, he hopes you will return it 
 20 
 
458 ADVEN TUBES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 ■with similar testimony. Of tlie good nature of oiir pre- 
 sident no man can say a word but in praise ; and I can 
 swear he entertains a high opinion of your royal peison, 
 is earnestly desirous of preserving peace between us, and 
 resolved to respect that comity which should rule among 
 nations so distinguished, and without which neither 
 of us can get along, seeing that we have so many sym- 
 pathies in common. As for myself, all I have to say is 
 that your majesty will find my conduct so squared as to 
 be acceptable in your eyes, for Heaven is with the peace- 
 makers." Here the general paused as Don Perez Goneti 
 proceeded to the interpretation. 
 
 " The man talks so strangely, that may the priests hang 
 me if I know what to make of it. But this I do know ; he 
 says many things that would not be pleasing to your maj- 
 esty's refined ears ; such for instance, as that your maj- 
 esty governs so badly, and has so little knowledge for turn- 
 ing the vast resources of his country to advantage, that 
 the president of the United States seriously contemplates 
 taking the matter in hand, for he knows it would be 
 acceptable to the saints as well as your ill-governed peo- 
 ple." At this, his sable majesty went right into a passion, 
 and so conducted himself, ordering the queer strangers, as 
 he called them, taken into the plaza and hanged, without 
 further ceremony, that General Potter and Mr. Tickler 
 (neither of whom could understand a word he said) set 
 him down for a madman, inquired of the lawgiver what 
 it all meant, and began to have fears for their safety. 
 Indeed the state of confusion that reigned in the audience 
 chamber came well-nigh putting an end to this remark- 
 able mission. " Pray Mr. Lawgiver, what is the matter 
 with the king, for he acts like a man who has lost his 
 understanding?" inquired the general. 
 
 " It is only a freak of his ; and if you would have the 
 
THE JOURNEY TO KEZUB. 459 
 
 truth of it, I can tell you, that he is berating these vaga- 
 bond priests, who give him no peace of his life." Don Pe- 
 rez Goneti then turned to the king, and said : " If your 
 majesty will but listen another minute, he may hear some- 
 thing more pleasing, for the ambassador says he has some- 
 thing good in store." 
 
 " Let him proceed then," replied the king, " and if he 
 redeem himself, the hanging shall be spared." The 
 general resumed, while Mr. Tickler trembled in his boots. 
 
 " It is come to the president's knowledge, that your 
 majesty is in possession of several valuable Islands, 
 which in their present condition yield no revenue. 
 Therefore he has directed me to say that he will relieve 
 you of them, and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven 
 ordained they should fulfill. And I can tell your majesty 
 that the president has a remarkable taste for Islands, and 
 so long as he can get them, cares not a whit for the 
 means ! " 
 
 " May it please your majesty, this great ambassador 
 has a most fertile imagination, to which he adds a supple 
 tongue. He says the evils of j'our reign are the natural 
 results of the mischievous interference on the part of the 
 priests; and that the President of the United States, 
 having resolved that this state of things shall no longer 
 exist, has instructed him to seize upon all your Islands, 
 and turn their fruits to such uses as Heaven has 
 ordained." This so exasperated the king, that he swore, 
 in the language of his country, that he verily believed the 
 persons before him vagabonds sent by the devil to disturb 
 the peace of his country. Nor indeed were the priests 
 backward in stirring the mischief, for they whispered 
 among themselves that he ought to be well hanged for 
 the slur flung at their order.'' " Take these men away ! " 
 exclaimed the king in the height of his passion, which he 
 
460 ADVENTUEES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 was saved from further betraying by tbe uplifted hands 
 of the priests ; and tomorrow morning at pari'ot-wink let 
 them be well hanged in the plaza." The king and the 
 priests now retired in great confusion, which so astounded 
 General Potter and his secretary that they must needs 
 inquire what it all meant, for their difference of tongues 
 left a gloomy void between them. And when it was ex- 
 plained by the lawgiver, at whose mercy they were, they 
 looked one at the other in consternation, and were led 
 away perplexed and full of sorrow. 
 
CHAPTER LI. 
 
 WHICH EXPLAINS WHY DON PEREZ GONBTI PRACTISED 
 THE DECEPTION ; AND OF THE WONDERFUL DISCOV- 
 ERY OF A NEW MODE OP PUNISHING AMBASSADORS. 
 
 When it was night, and not a beetle was heard, and 
 the guards found great difficulty in keeping awake, Don 
 Perez Goneti came to the house of General Potter, dis- 
 guised in the robe of a priest. He found the general 
 engaged over dispatches to his government, and letters to 
 his wife Polly ; in both of which he set forth in sad and 
 pitiful sentences, " the dire fate " that awaited him. As 
 for Mr. Tickler, he had nqt an ounce of courage left, but 
 was nevertheless writing articles for the seven New 
 York newspapers, of which he was correspondent. 
 According to Tickler, as set forth in these grave articles, 
 no greater outrage had ever been committed upon the un- 
 offending representatives of the United States, and for 
 which he demanded summary vengeance. " Gentlemen ! " 
 said the intruder, discovering himself, " I am Don Perez 
 Goneti, the lawgiver ! Fear not, for I come to cheer 
 you. This king, you must know, is a great knave, and 
 so under the thumb of the priests that an honest man like 
 myself is not safe a day in his office. Having long medi- 
 tated his overthrow, I come to offer you the hand of friend- 
 ship in your distress, and to say that if you will join me in 
 carrying out my design (I have a strong party at my 
 command), we will teach this king what it is to be a sub- 
 
 [461] 
 
462 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ject. By the saints, Le Las no good will toward your 
 countrj', as you Lave seen." 
 
 " What you propose is exactly to my liking, for I must 
 tell you that the very same thing has occupied my 
 thoughts ; but since I am to be hanged in the morning, 
 why there's an end to all." Don Perez smiled, and 
 assured the general there would be no hanging, since 
 the l<ing was a great coward, and feared the penalty of 
 such an act. '' Honestly, your excellency, he has 
 already revoked the sentence, and substituted a novel 
 but very harmless punishment, which when you have 
 endured, he will order you out of the country." This 
 cheering news sent a thrill of joy to Tickler's very heart, 
 for he had been mourning his fate, dissolved in tears ; 
 declaring at the same time that dying in the service of 
 ones country was not so desirable a business. Don 
 Perez and the general now held a long consultation, and 
 having sworn mutual hatred of the king and priests, agreed 
 to join forces and seek his speedy overthrow. Don Perez 
 also took charge of their letters and dispatches, which he 
 promised to forward to Jollifee, a town on the coast, 
 between which certain conspirators kept up a communica- 
 tion with New York. 
 
 Having restored the general and his secretary to a state 
 of happiness, Don Perez took his departure, when they 
 went quietly to bed, giving themselves no more trouble 
 about the hanging, and entertaiuing only a slight misgiv- 
 ing as to the nature of the punishment substituted. But of 
 this they were made conscious when morning came. And 
 here I venture to assert that not even the most famous 
 inventor of prison discipline for once dreamed of so 
 curious a mode of punishment as that I am about to 
 describe, and which I seriously recommend as a cure 
 that may be profitably applied to vagrants, idle politi- 
 
NEW MODE OF PUNISHMENT. 463 
 
 cians, and all such persons as live by destroying the 
 peace of the community. 
 
 When breakfast was over, three solemn-faced priests, 
 followed by two attendants, entered General Eoger Pot- 
 ter's apartment, to the no small discomfiture of Mr. Tick- 
 ler, to whose mind all the horrors of hanging suddenly 
 returned. " Gentlemen," spoke one of the priests, '' we 
 are come to prepare your souls for the punishment which 
 it has pleased our roj'al master to order." " Pray, your 
 reverence, your royal master Iiad better be mindful lest this 
 punishment cost him his crown. But as you are humane 
 gentlemen, he good enough to enlighten us as to what sort 
 of punishment his Majesty has substituted for the hang- 
 ing ?" inquired the now undaunted general." 
 
 " It is enjoined that we hold our peace,'' replied the 
 priest ; " but of the punishment you will know quick 
 enough." And now, when the priests had prayed devout- 
 ly for the souls of the culprits, they accompanied them 
 to a building bearing a strong resemblance to a Vermont 
 corn-shed, where two attendants, having first stripped 
 " the Ambassador" and his secretary to their shirts, chained 
 them back to back, and in this pitiful plight compelled 
 them to sit on a huge block of ice, until it was dissolved. 
 And when this punishment was inflicted, it was ordered 
 by the king that they be conveyed beyond the limits of 
 the state. " I know not what you think of this punish- 
 ment, friend Tickler," said the general, evincing much dis- 
 comfiture as he took his seat " but to my mind, this being 
 condemned to sit on a block of ice until it dissolves, in 
 nowise becomes my military position, to say nothing of 
 my standing as a minister." 
 
 " Faith, your excellency, I begin to think we have both 
 been well fooled, for the smart of this ingenious punish- 
 ment is more than I have mettle to endure." Tickler had 
 
464 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 scarce uttered this sentence wben he began to scream at 
 the very top of his voice; and to declare the pain so 
 acute that he would much prefer the hanging. 
 
 I am fast coming to your way of thinking, friend Tick- 
 ler," replied the general, as the priests began offering them 
 consolation, "for every bone from the top of my head to 
 the soul of my feet begins yielding to the pain, which 
 feels as if ten thousand needles were shooting through 
 me.'' 
 
 ''Heavens!" exclaimed Tickler, ''if your reverences 
 will only relieve us from these torments, j'ou may commend 
 our souls to whom you please, for I have no ambition but 
 to get home. If his excellency wants to die a great mar- 
 tyr, I have no objection !" Here Mr. Tickler relapsed into 
 a state of melancholy, and gave vent to his feelings in a 
 flood of tears. But the priests only looked grave, and 
 would have offered them absolution without a change of 
 countenance. " Bear up, bear up, friend ;" rejoined gene- 
 ral Potter, and keep in mind that you suffer for your 
 country's sake. It will soon be over, for the ice melts 
 fast. And if you write not of this outrage, so that it 
 shall fire every heart at home for revenge, then I am 
 much mistaken in your capacity as a critic." Thus bit. 
 terly they lamented their fate, until the severity of the 
 pain had well nigh exhausted their strength, and left 
 them in a condition which will be described in the next 
 chapter. 
 
CHAPTER LII. 
 
 ■WHICH EECOEDS SEVERAL AMUSING THINGS THAT TOOK 
 PLACE WHEN THE ICE WAS DISSOLVED. 
 
 XovEL as the punishment I have described in the pre- 
 vious chapter may appear to the grave reader, it was not 
 without its severity. If any one doubt this, let him but 
 try the experiment, and I warrant that a few seconds 
 will be sufficient to convince him ; and if he be of a merry 
 turn of mind, let him get some kind friend to try the ex- 
 periment in his presence ; but be sure that the perform- 
 ance takes place in the presence of not less than three 
 priests, all of whom must preserve the most solemn 
 demeanor. And now to the matter of the release. 
 
 When then the ice was melted, and the culprits were 
 restored to their clothes, the general thanked the priests 
 for their great kindness, and congratulated himself that 
 this most remarkable event, which completely put to blush 
 all the other events of his life, had in no way damped his 
 ardor for great military exploits. " I have great discern- 
 ment. Tickler," said the general, rubbing his haunches, 
 and unless the fates come against me, rely upon it this 
 envy of the king will cost him dearly. A little more 
 strength at our backs, and I had made him dance to the 
 tune of this sword of mine." " If your excellency would 
 take my advice," replied Tickler, " he would get speedily 
 home, for if this barbarous vagabond of a king should 
 take it into his head to give us another melting down on 
 the ice, I would not give a straw for either of our lives. 
 An escort, mounted on mules and asses, now arrived and 
 put an end to this dialogue, for it was the signal for the 
 20* [*«5] 
 
466 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 general and his secretary to pack up their alls. And this 
 being done with the assistance of the priests, they were 
 soon mounted, (the general upon old Battle and Mr. 
 Tickler on his mule,) and on their way to Jollifee, a small 
 town on the coast, which they reached in due season, and 
 where this remarkable plenipotentiary spent several months 
 unmolested. I say unmolested, for in truth all trace of 
 him, so far as the public were concerned, seemed to have 
 been obliterated for a time ; but he was in reality busy- 
 ing himself carrying on a deep intrigue with Don Perez, for 
 getting possession of the kingdom ; as to Mr. Tickler, he 
 betook himself to studying the language of the country, 
 his want of which he discovered had nearly cost him his life. 
 
 While then they sojourned at Jollifee, various remarka- 
 ble dispatches were transmitted to Washington, in all of 
 which the general set forth the grievous injury done him, 
 calling upon the government to take the matter seri- 
 ously in hand. And as it had got to the ears of the sen- 
 ate at Washington that the administration had not only 
 sent a fool, but a crazy man, to represent us abroad, sun- 
 dry grave senators demanded the production of these 
 despatches, since they had a curious itching to peep into 
 them. And as the president lost no time in complying with 
 this polite request, and my desire to relieve the reader's 
 impatience has never been doubted, I have purloined one, 
 which I insert here for his diversion, pledging my whole 
 stock of honor that it is a precious sample of the flock, and 
 reads as follows : 
 " Dispatch No. 3. 
 
 " Jollifee, in the iKingdom of Kalorama, \ 
 October 14th, 18 — . ) 
 " To His Hon. the Secretary of Slate 
 
 fur the United States. 
 
 "As minister plenipotentiary to this Court, you wiU 
 
HIS DISPATCH TO GOVERNMENT. 467 
 
 expect me to keep you advised of all that is going on. 
 Before you read this, then, just run your eye over 
 dispatches one and two, which, as you are no fool, will 
 straighten your ideas concerning my doings. Now, all the 
 ado that was made over me on my arrival, the triumph 
 with which I was carried in a chair to Nezub, and the 
 courtesy condescended by the king in providing shelter 
 for us, was, as your honor vfill regret to hear, all decep- 
 tion. The king is an arrant knave, and the priests have 
 so filled his head with evil thoughts that he burns to have 
 a quarrel with us. The poor natives feel well enough 
 toward us ; and as to myself, they came to look upon me 
 as the light of their deliverance. And with this advantage, 
 I had resolved to show them that I was the man for their 
 cause ; for I am not to be terrified by a savage, and in 
 acting the part of a good Christian we also serve God. 
 Being a peaceable gentleman, as your honor knows, I 
 squared my address to meet all the demands of courtesy. 
 But as your honor instructed me that it was the president's 
 most anxious desire that I get as many of the king's 
 islands as I could conveniently, I must tell you that no 
 sooner had I touched on that point than he went right 
 into a passion, conducting himself very like a New York 
 alderman, and ordering that I be hanged. And what 
 made the matter worse I had not a word of the language 
 of the country at my tongue's end. But the king had 
 not courage enough to execute the hanging, and so, after 
 chaining me to my secretary, the fellow condemned me 
 to sit naked for two hours on a block of ice, which I 
 would have your honor know, is a punishment no man 
 need envy. My great courage and the fact that it is an 
 honor to die in the service of our country was all that 
 saved me. And now, when j'ou have let your patriotism 
 boil, pray consider this matter gravely ; and don't forget 
 
468 ADVENTURES OF MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 to tell tlie president that with a few sturdy fellows at my 
 back and I had made short work of the savage who has sent 
 meinto exile at this place, where I intend remaining for some 
 time. With great consideration, I remain, &c., &e., 
 
 " RoGEK Sherman Potter, Minister." 
 
 The reading of this curious document afforded the 
 senate no little diversion, while to the government it was 
 a fatal stab, for it discovered the queer order of intellects 
 it had chosen to perform its offices abroad. It is scarcely 
 necessary to add that the .senate, though proverbially 
 good natured, made it incumbent on the administration to 
 recall this wonderful diplomatist at an early day. When 
 then this news was conveyed to the general he snapped 
 his fingers, and instead of taking the matter seriously to 
 heart, as is common with many of our venerable diplomat- 
 ists, directed his secretary to say in reply, that although 
 the office had not yet afforded him enough to pay his debts 
 he freely relinquished it : indeed that having got better 
 business he was glad enough to be rid of an office that had 
 a dozen times nearly brought him to death's door. 
 
 The secret of this independence onthepart of General Pot- 
 ter was soon discovered. Don Perez Goneti had declared 
 against the government, and had taken the field against 
 the king and his followers, with a band of rebels, bent on 
 having revenge of the priests and possession of the king- 
 dom : while in reply to sundry dispatches addressed to 
 Glenmoregain, describing that he had made such move- 
 ments as placed the kingdom exactly between his thumbs, 
 the general had received letters advising him of the ship- 
 ment of a whole cargo of as good vagabonds as were to be 
 had in the New York market. In truth it was wonderful 
 to see how credulous this opulent merchant was ; and 
 how readily be fell into all the visionary schemes for 
 
HIS DISPATCH TO GOVERNMENT. 469 
 
 overthrowing governments that had their origin in the 
 disordered brain of my hero. As for generals, the large- 
 eyed merchant had consigned my hero no less than a 
 whole mob, no two of whom could be found to agree on 
 a single subject, if you except emptying the contents of a 
 good bottle. And I verily believe had General Eoger Pot- 
 ter fancied a kingdom in some remote corner of the South 
 Sea, Gleumoregain would have furnished him the means 
 to get possession of it, though there was no earthly 
 prospect of its yielding him a dollar profit. 
 
 And now, having got matters to his entire satisfaction, 
 the general flattered himself that as he was clear of all 
 diplomatic responsibilities, nothing now remained to put 
 him in a position to have revenge of his enemies but the 
 arrival of these fighting vagabonds and generals, at the 
 head of whom he would, when mounted on old Battle, 
 praceed to the relief of Don Perez Goneti, who had pro- 
 claimed death to the priests and liberty to the poor 
 Kaloramas. 
 
 For what took place on the landing of these vagabonds, 
 as also the battle of the banana hills, the greatest bat- 
 tle ever fought in modern times, the reader is referred to 
 the next chapter. 
 
OHAPTEE LIII. 
 
 WHICH DESCRIBES THE ARRIVAL OP AN ARMY OP VAGA- 
 BONDS ; AND HOW THE GREAT BATTLE OP THE BAN- 
 ANA HILLS WAS FOUGHT. 
 
 General Potter was not kept long waiting for means 
 to pi'ove himself a great warrior, for the cargo of vag- 
 abonds, described so exultingly by Glenmoregain as of 
 the choicest kind, arrived early one morning, and con- 
 ducted themselves so riotously that the simple-minded 
 people of quiet Jollifee were thrown into a state of great 
 excitement, and imagining them demons escaped from the 
 infernal regions, took to their heels and ran terrified out 
 of town. And this was regarded as a great blessing, for 
 the vagabond army, numbering not less than five hundred, 
 took possession of their houses and made clean work of 
 their poultry yards, which fortunately for the Com- 
 mander-in-chief were well stocked. But what pleased 
 General Potter most was that Glenmoregain advised him 
 of his intention to ship a dozen more just such cargoes, 
 for there was no lack of such vagabonds in New York, 
 and heaven knew it would be a blessing to get rid of. 
 
 And when they had sent terror and dismay to the 
 hearts of the poor natives, and plundered their homes, and 
 revelled to their heart's content, General Potter, feeling 
 in every inch of him how great it was to be Commander- 
 in-chief, directed that his generals appear before him, that 
 he might consult with tliem concerning various projects of 
 war he had in his head. In obedience then to this sum- 
 [470] 
 
BATTLE OP BANANA HILLS. 471 
 
 mons there appeared before him at least twenty generals 
 and as many major-generals ; not one of whom had ever 
 scented the perfume of battle, for in truth they were 
 dilapidated politicians, and editors, whose lack of brains 
 and love of the bottle had brought them to the very verge 
 of distress. And when they had partaken of the Gene- 
 ral's good cheer, he addressed them as follows : " Gentle- 
 men ! conscious that you are all brave soldiers, I would 
 have you listen with becoming gravity to what I have to 
 say ; for I am no fool, and intend to have satisfaction of 
 this King for the insult he offered to our country in com- 
 pelling me to sit upon the ice. Know then that I have 
 resolved to make the penally the loss of his kingdom ; 
 and as I see you are all patriots, pray bear in mind how 
 great is the undertaking. If we fail, why, then there will 
 be enough to sneer at us ; if we be victorious, then the 
 valor of our arms will be sung and glorified in many lands. 
 Remember that success closes malicious mouths. Be 
 heroes then, see that your swords be sharp and your wits 
 not blunted ; for I hold that there is no judgment so just 
 as that of a country conferring honors upon the brave ; 
 and he vs'ho earns the glory shall have it. As to myself, 
 you shall see more of me when the enemy affords me a 
 chance. But forget not that my motto is : " Compositum 
 jusfasque animi" which, seeing that you are all scholars, 
 I make no doubt, is familiar enough to you. To-morrow 
 we will march against the enemy, so let no man say he 
 is sick." 
 
 The generals were not a little diverted by this speech, 
 which I venture to assert was never excelled for origin- 
 ality, though many stranger addresses have been made by 
 Commanders-in-Chief to their ofBcers. Indeed they were 
 not long in discovering all the weaknesses of the man, 
 and questioned among themselves whether it were better 
 
472 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 to yield him explicit obedience or set him down for a fool 
 and treat him accordingly. They however took their 
 departure, promising that nothing should be left undone; 
 in fine that his orders would be obeyed to the letter. 
 
 And when they were gone, General Potter shrugged 
 his shoulders, and looking askant at his secretary, who 
 had remained silent during the interview, said : " Honest- 
 ly, Mr. Tickler, I would like to have your opinion respect- 
 ing these gentlemen generals of mine, for they seem a set 
 of scurvy fellows, and have much need of raiment." 
 Whispering, with his lips to Tickler's ear, he continued, 
 " and there is a flavor about them by no means agreeable. 
 And unless I be a bad prophet, either the devil has been 
 painting all their noses, or they have long been famUiar 
 with the bottle." 
 
 " Faith of the saints, if j'our excellency would know 
 what I think of them, it is this — that, barring you have 
 the capacity of Wellington and Napoleon combined, you 
 will have your hands full in keeping these generals from 
 making war upon one another ; though you may find it 
 difficult to keep the army to their fighting when the enemy 
 appears." 
 
 " I have them in my power. Tickler," replied the gene- 
 ral, giving his head a significant toss ; " and if they keep 
 not peace between themselves then I will order them all 
 hanged. And as the rules of the service must not be 
 broken, I will take good care that they show me that 
 deference due to my high position. What is more, friend 
 Tickler, you shall be judge in all these matters, which is 
 an honor of no mean quality ; and which is here conferred 
 upon you out of respect to your great learning." Mr. 
 Tickler shook his head, and stroked his beard, desponding- 
 ly. ''It is well enough to be judge, your excellency; 
 but as I have a fear the honors you seem so free to lavish 
 
BATTLE OF BANANA HILLS. 473 
 
 upon me would not keep house well with my poverty, I 
 would prefer first to have that relieved. Do not forget 
 that our man has fed us on stolen provisions for these three 
 weeks," replied Mr. Tickler. An end was put to this 
 dialogue hy the general reminding Mr. Tickler that men 
 of great learning ought always to be patriots, since his- 
 tory furnished proofs enough of their great endurance 
 under poverty. 
 
 On the following day, the general mounted his faithful 
 horse, and with Mr. Tickler on his mule, proceeded to 
 review bis army of vagabonds. And though he compli- 
 mented them on the great perfection of their drill, and bid 
 them esteem themselves the heroes of no end of victories, 
 they were in truth as awkward a set of fellows as ever 
 shouldered musket, in short, not one of them knew how to 
 take the first move in forming a section, though they 
 could rob hen roosts and banana fields with a facility 
 tryly remarkable. And now, as the noon-day sun was 
 oppressive enough to dissolve all their brains, the general 
 ordered his second in command, one Absolam Broadbottom, 
 to say to the army that he would march at nightfall. 
 And when nightfall came, the army commenced its march, 
 and was followed by the general, who cut such a shabby 
 figure, when surrounded by his staff, that the whole army 
 was ready to dissolve with laughter. In short the Oom- 
 mander-in-Ohief afforded them an amount of amusement 
 that quite compensated for the loss of hen-roosts. As a 
 truthful historian I must not forget to mention that the 
 general, like a good and discreet warrior, kept at a respect- 
 ful distance in the rear, ordering at the same time that 
 the country in advance be well scoured, lest some lurking 
 portion of the enemy's army come upon them by surprise, 
 doing serious damage before he could get his army in 
 trim for making them dance again. 
 
474 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 When they had travelled many miles, displaying greafr 
 courage under all sorts of trials, the general suddenly dis- 
 covered that he had lost his secretary, which sad misfor- 
 tune he hegan to bewail in right good earnest. "I would 
 have you know, Broadbottom," said he, addressing his 
 second in command, " that the success of our undertaking 
 will be hazarded without him, for he is a man of great 
 learning." 
 
 " Umph !" returned Broadbottom, ''if victories are to 
 be gained only by your men of great learning, our coun- 
 try will have little to boast of in that line. It is now 
 midnight, and I would suggest a halt for the night." 
 
 The general replied that the suggestion was an excel- 
 lent one, and bid him act upon it. " You must know sir,' 
 said he, " that it is so many years since I have had aught 
 to do with an army, that my memory needs much refresh- 
 ing on these small matters." He also ordered Broadbot- 
 tom to detach a file of men and send them in search of his 
 secretary, which order was forthwith executed, to the great 
 delight of those composing it, who instead of troubling 
 themselves about the secretary, were resolved on spending 
 the night at a ranch where dancing was to be had. 
 
 And now when all was quiet ; when the general, having 
 seen his horse comfortably provided for; when not even 
 a vulture was heard croaking his hopes of a banquet on 
 some dead hero ; and when the great and all powerful 
 Potter was sleeping quietly in his camp, the whole army 
 was thrown into a state of great confusion by various 
 voices calling out that they had come upon the enemy, 
 who was forming for battle. The alarm soon found the 
 whole camp out in its shirt, ready to give as good as sent, 
 though report had it that the force of the enemy was 
 prodigious. Another moment and Broadbottom, panting 
 for breath, came rushing into the commander's camp, cry- 
 
BATTLE OF BANANA HILLS. 475 
 
 ing at the very top of his voice : " General ! general ! 
 for heavens sake get up and take command of the army, 
 for the enemy is advancing rapidly upon us, and there 
 will be one of the bloodiest battles !" A clash of arms 
 was now heard outside, which confirmed what he said, 
 and also sent a thrill of terror to the heart of the great 
 Potter, whose stock of courage was as suddenly snuffed 
 out. Loud reports of musketry followed the clash of 
 arms, and then night was ninde terrible with divers other 
 piercing cries common to b.i:tles of the most sanguinary 
 character. 
 
 Feeling in his heart that it would not do for so great a 
 general to let his army know that even an ounce of his cour- 
 age had left him, he gave a turn in the sheets and was out 
 of bed in a jiffy. He then got into his breeches, but not 
 without some delay, occasioned, I am sorry to say, by divers 
 snakes having invaded the camp and coiled themselves 
 peaceably away in the nether parts. And this, added to 
 the time lost in finding his sword, with which he swore he 
 would trip the toes of all who came in his way, had well- 
 nigh incurred the most fatal consequences. " Minutes are 
 hours, general," spoke Broadbottom, addressing the com- 
 mander ; " and the slightest delay may play the very devil 
 with the glory of our arms, and put an end to the noble 
 enterprise we are engaged in.'' Hearing this from his 
 second in command, the general quickened his motions 
 and, buckling on his sword, ran out in his night-cap, but 
 without either coat or boots. Indeed, I here assert that 
 history, so far as I have read, affords no instance of one so 
 famous in war as the great Potter proceeding to take com- 
 mand of his army in so strange a uniform. " Now, to my 
 horse !" he exclaimed, "for I take it no man can com- 
 mand an army unless he be mounted. Broadbottom, 
 who was a stalwarth Mississippian, and withal as great a 
 
476 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 wag as could be found in that state of wags, affected 
 great concern lest the battle be lost for want of speedy 
 action on the part of the commander-in-chief. And as 
 misfortunes will come upon us during the most trying 
 moments, so was it found on reaching old Battle that he 
 had been suddenly seized with a cholic, and indeed was 
 giving out so many proofs of his illness that his master 
 was unable to withhold his tears. In short, so strong was 
 the affection General Potter bore his horse that, being a 
 man of great compassion, he was in no condition to fight 
 a terrible battle. Still the noise of battle without warned 
 him how much his presence was needed on the field. 
 "Heavens I general," said he, wiping the tears from his 
 eyes, " get you to the field without a moment's delay, 
 sink all scientific rules, attack 'the enemy in front and 
 rear, and when you have shown him that you care neither 
 for him or the devil, turn his flank, which will throw him 
 into confusion and give us a victory. Take the fighting 
 of this great battle to yourself, for I see you are a man of 
 wonderful capacity. And if you give the enemy a right 
 good drubbing, depend upon it I will make the glory all 
 your own, for it shall be recorded in more than one news- 
 paper. It will not do to leave my poor horse in this con- 
 dition.'' Broadbottom left the general shedding tears for 
 his horse, and proceeded to carry out the orders of his 
 superior, the extraordinary result of which will be found 
 in the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER LIV. 
 
 WHICH TREATS OP VARIOUS CURIOUS THINGS THAT OC- 
 CURRED WHEN THE RESULT OF THE GREAT BATTLE 
 OF THE BANANA HILLS WAS ANNOUNCED TO THE 
 COMMANDER. 
 
 Morning dawned as the clash of battle ceased, and vic- 
 tory-was proclaimed by the vagabond army. And although 
 General Potter had been biting his thumbs in fear of the 
 result, this news so restored his courage that he mounted 
 his three-cornered hat and declared nothing would deter 
 him in future from commanding in person and making 
 splinters of the enemy with his own sword. 
 
 " General ! " exclaimed Broadbottom, as he came rush- 
 ing into the camp, " the success of our arms is complete ; 
 yes, the god of war has smiled, and we have gained a great 
 victory over the enemy — " 
 
 " Truly, general," interrupted the commander-in-chief, 
 " you deserve well. But this I can tell you, — ^there is 
 nothing like one man infusing his strength into another, 
 which it was my good luck to do when directing you how 
 to fight this battle, which, heaven be blest, has crowned 
 our arms with glory." 
 
 "Aye," replied Broadbottom, with a smile, "I under- 
 stand this well ; but if you could have commanded in per- 
 son, much blood and many valuable lives had been spared." 
 
 " That I am fully conscious of," rejoined the command- 
 er ; " but when men have prodigies to perform, two heads, 
 if I have read right, are better than one. But my horse 
 
 [477] 
 
478 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 is now restored to liis usual good condition, wliich, thank 
 Leaven, will aflford me an opportunity of displaying my 
 valor in the next great battle. Give me, then, an account 
 of the dead and wounded ; as also what you have done 
 with the prisoners." Broadbottom was not slow in per- 
 forming this service, and gave the commander such a won- 
 derful account of the number of the enemy they had killed 
 that he stood surprised, and confounded. "As for the 
 commander," spoke Broadbottom, "he was shot from his 
 horse and borne from the field by his staff; but not until 
 he had dropped a purse of gold, which I have brought 
 you as a trophy." And with an air of great courtesy he 
 placed the purse, which contained some twenty doubloons, 
 in the hands of the commander, who made him a return of 
 his thanks for such rare faithfulness. "As for the dead," 
 resumed Broadbottom, " we have buried them in the Ban- 
 ana Hills, from which this great battle must take . its 
 name. And as you are well read in philosophy, you will, 
 I am sure, confess that we took the most certain method 
 in disposing of the wounded ; for there were some forty, 
 and we hung every one of them." 
 
 " Ti-uly, sir, I see you are a Christian gentleman, as 
 well as a soldier ; and I have no doubt you were moved 
 to this kind act by a knowledge that it would be inhuman 
 to prolong the agonies of these unfortunate men — " 
 
 " You have hit it exactly, general !" interrupted Broad- 
 bottom. 
 
 " And I am not so sure but that you would have ren- 
 dered heaven a service in hanging all the prisoners, for 
 he who dies in battle, they say, has an extra claim to the 
 better kingdom that is promised us." 
 
 " I have no doubt you are right as far as your ethics 
 go, general ; but deeming it more becoming the comity of 
 war, we set them all at liberty, and it would have made 
 
CURIOUS DEVELOPMENTS. 479 
 
 your heart dance to see bow they took to their heels." An 
 end was put to this dialogue by the commander inviting 
 his generals to breakfast with him, in order, as he said, 
 that he might have an opportunity of complimenting them 
 For their valor, and also of hearing fiom their own lips an 
 account of the wonderful exploits each had performed, — all 
 of which were proceeded with to his entire satisfaction. 
 
 When breakfast was over General Potter mounted old 
 Battle, who was not a whit the worse for his cholic, and 
 reviewed his troops. And though they were sadly defi- 
 cient in raiment, and altogether presented a most shattered 
 appearance, he declared that never had he in all his expe- 
 rience seen an army look so soldier-like. But this compli- 
 ment the vagabonds set down for too good a joke to be lost, 
 and, notwithstanding the gravity preserved by their gen- 
 erals, were well-nigh splitting their sides with laughter. 
 
 " Now, Broadbottom," said he, when they returned to 
 the camp, " as the guard sent in pursuit of my secretary 
 have returned without getting any tidings of him, and a 
 report of this great battle is imperatively necessary, pray 
 tell me if you have a gentleman who can perform such ser- 
 vice V Broadbottom thereupon informed his commander 
 that there was on the staif one General Stoneheart, a gen- 
 tleman of much learning, and as good an editor as ever 
 abused his neighbors. " And he is skilled in making such 
 reports," said he, "for I can swear of my own knowledge, 
 general, that he will do the thing exactly to your liking. 
 And withal, he is correspondent of more than one New 
 York newspaper, and has a secret for making victories of 
 the most signal defeats." Stoneheart, a small, ill-clad, 
 shrimp-looking man, was immediately summoned, and ap- 
 peared before the commander, who interrogated him as to 
 his capacity. All his answers being satisfactory, he was at 
 once set to work preparing the reports, which I venture to 
 
480 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 assert were never excelled for glowing descriptions of the 
 many prodigies performed in one battle, and which, it is 
 scarce necessary for me to add here, made New York 
 dance with delight when they appeared. " If you have 
 a love for latin," said General Stoneheart to his chief, '■' I 
 can give them a huge quantity of it." And this so satis- 
 fied the great Potter of his being a gentleman exactly 
 suited to the service he required, that he gave no further 
 thought to the subject, but merely concluded by telling 
 him to rub in the latin while the ink lasted. 
 
 When, then, the reports were ready he dispatched them 
 with a special bearer; to whose care he also intrusted "the 
 purse of gold taken from the enemy, with directions that 
 it be delivered into the hands of his wife Polly, as a proof 
 of the success of the business he was engaged in. He 
 also wrote a letter, stating that he was now at the head of 
 one of the most valiant armies, and would of a certainty 
 soon have kingdoms enough in his possession ; which news 
 she might circulate among the neighbors. 
 
 And now, having fully described this great battle, I beg 
 the reader will not take it seriously to heart, for in truth 
 it was all a joke practised upon the commander by this 
 Broadbottom, who arranged the whole affair. Nor will I 
 longer keep him in doubt respecting the purse of gold, 
 which was nothing less than the plunder brought in by a 
 scouting party, who having fallen in with a train of poor 
 natives on their way to Buzabub to buy provisions, had 
 robbed them of their all. 
 
 Having made these explanations, I will say of Ge.neral 
 Potter, that, feeling in his heart that no man was more 
 truly brave, night again found him proceeding with his 
 army towards Nezub, which he reached on the dawn 
 of the fourth day, having marched undaunted through 
 deserts and solitudes, and endured privations that would 
 
CURIOUS DEVELOPMENTS. 481 
 
 liave made such sliabby warriors as Pillow shake in his 
 shoes. But although the general would have it that the 
 mission of his army was to reform the nation, nothing but 
 devastation followed in its wake. 
 
 Don Perez Goneti came out to meet General Potter, 
 and escorted him to the head-quarters of his army, which, 
 though composed of only two hundred rebels, he declared 
 to be the most valiant men it had ever been his good 
 fortune to know. The general found this army encamped 
 within two miles of Nezub, and notwithstanding the 
 enemy had wisely kept himself confined to his strongholds, 
 their domestic quarrels had afforded them the means of 
 activity necessary to the good condition of such armies. 
 As for the king and the priests, they were daily seen 
 from Goneti's camp, bestirring themselves in the perfec- 
 tion of an army of extermination. And now that these 
 two wonderful armies had met, the allied generals betook 
 themselves to the exchange of courtesies, presentations, 
 and speechmaking. In fine, it seemed as if there was 
 to be a never-ending strain of compliments lavished by 
 each other, for the benefit of the world in general, and 
 for themselves in particular. And while all these cere- 
 monies were being performed to the gi-eat delight of 
 the recipient heroes, " the forces " were left to revel to 
 their hearts' content. Honestly, so intent were they on 
 gratifying their inclinations that they quite forgot the en- 
 emy and continued plundering the poor natives until nei- 
 ther a chicken was to be seen in their yards nor a ban- 
 ana in their fields. 
 
 Thus, for days and even weeks were these reforming 
 armies left to riot at will. One night as Don Perez 
 Goneti was entertaining General Potter at a grand ban- 
 quet, a lieutenant entered the camp, and with a confused 
 air said : '• May it please the commander, as officer of 
 21 
 
482 ADVENTUEES OF JIAJOK POTTER. 
 
 the ^ard sent to reconnoitre tlie enemy's position, I have 
 to report, that we penetrated within a few yards of a small 
 chapel in the outskirts of the town. A faint light glim- 
 mered from one of the windows, which bespoke mischief 
 within. As the enemy had no outposts v/e approached to 
 the very window, and looking in discovered eleven priests, 
 plotting no good, I can assure you, for we overheard them 
 discussing an attack to be made upon us to-morrow at day- 
 break. And after praying devoutly for the success of 
 their undertaking, and saying their beads no end of times, 
 it was resolved that when they had gained the battle to 
 hang us all to the nearest trees, commending our souls to 
 heaven and our bodies to the vultures. And this I 
 heard with my own ears, and can tell you that it is 
 impossible to conceive how nicely these good men had 
 arranged our overthrow." Before the speaker was 
 finished, the eleven priests, their hands bound with 
 cords, their heads bent, and their countenances wearing an 
 air of deep melancholy, were marched into the camp under 
 a guard of soldiers. " And we surprised them, and have 
 brought them here, prisoners of war ; " concluded the 
 officer, making a bow as he withdrew. 
 
 The downcast and forlorn appearance of these holy men 
 was indeed enough to have enlisted sympathy in their 
 behalf. An end was thus put to the banquet, and Don 
 Perez Goneti inquired of the prisoners, in a peremptory 
 manner, what they had to say for themselves. One more 
 aged than the rest, held up his head, and answered that as 
 it was their mission to do good on earth and pay reverence 
 to the Great Master, so also would they remain true to 
 their king ; nor would they crave mercy, since " God pro- 
 tected the right." It must here be mentioned that the two 
 commanders formed themselves into a court, and sat in 
 judgment upon these holy men ; while the I'est cared not 
 
CURIOUS DEVELOPMENTS. 483 
 
 a whit if the devil got the priests. "You confess then that 
 you have been guilty of conspiracy," spoke Don Perez 
 Goneti, "which means that you have merited the halter, 
 which I order you at daylight in the morning ; and may the 
 devil take care of you until then, so get to your beads." 
 The guards now marched them away in solemn procession. 
 No sooner had they disappeared, when General Potter, who 
 had at first commended this sentence, turned to his com- 
 patriot, and with an air of much anxiety, said : " Pray do 
 not let it be said that I question the justice of your judg- 
 ment, but I would have you take heed how you hang 
 priests, for being invested with a holiness the unrighteous 
 cannot understand, I am told they have revengeful spirits, 
 which will come back, and not only come back and haunt 
 Us wherever we go, but so direct the fates against us as 
 to seal our downfall." 
 
 "Aye, and there you are right," rejoined Goneti, "for 
 to my own knowledge, the king of Tutack ordered a 
 priest hung, and his spirit came back and so haunted the 
 kingdom, that it has not prospered since." 
 
 "You see then that I have looked well into the thing, 
 and offer you sound logic ; " resumed the ready Potter. 
 " Hear me, sir ! for I have a better punishment in my 
 head. Spare these holy men the hanging, and let each 
 be mounted on an ass, so that his robes cover the animal's 
 hinder parts. And when you have them thus conditioned, 
 let it be ordered that they ride three hours during the day, 
 for not less than ten days, making a circle in the plaza, and 
 offering up such prayers as our souls may stand in need of" 
 This so delighted Don Goneti that he marvelled at the 
 breadth of his compatriot's intellect, and not only set him 
 down for a man of prodigious resources, but at once fell 
 in with his opinion, fortliwith issuing an order that it be 
 carried out to the letter, as will appear in the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER LV. 
 
 ■WHICH TREATS OF HOW THE PRIESTS BORE THE PUN- 
 ISHMENT ; AND ALSO A DESCRIPTION OP THE EVER- 
 MEMORABLE BATTLE OP THE MIRACLE. 
 
 With great reverence be it said of the priests, that 
 they did penance, mounted after the style ordered in the 
 foregoing chapter, for many days and with such fortitude 
 as gained them the good will of many of their enemies in 
 war. " The height of our perfection in grace," said one 
 of the priests, as his ass went the round of the circle, 
 " may be measured by the ease with which we can hum- 
 ble ourselves. And while we are chanting to these filthy 
 fellows, let us not despair, but commend ourselves to 
 heaven, praying that it will so ordain that our country 
 be soon rid of this scourge ; for though these fellows 
 make promises enough with, their lips, their hearts are 
 full of treacherj'." 
 
 "Heaven help me!" exclaimed another, "for I am 
 not accustomed to this punishment, and bear it with a 
 tribulation I would thank heaven to be relieved from." 
 In short, though, they bore the punishment with remark- 
 able fortitude, these ring performances were in no very 
 high favor with them. Itching then for a chance to escape, 
 and taking advantage of a moment one day when the 
 "allied forces" (generals included,) were fast asleep, 
 they clapped heels to their asses, and coursing down the 
 road at full speed, were soon safe within the town, where 
 high-mass was offered up for their deliverance, though not 
 [484] 
 
BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE. 485 
 
 a word was lisped concerning the asses, which they wisely 
 kept as an offset to their sufferings. And now when the 
 allied generals awoke from their shimhers, and found the 
 priests gone, they took it grievously to heart ; for while 
 they could ill afford to lose the asse.s, the piiests would 
 be sure to give the enemy such information as would be 
 of great advantage to him. 
 
 A day passed and both armies were seen preparing for 
 battle. But as neither bad the smallest piece of artillery, 
 and but a shabby display of cavalry mounted on lean 
 asses, General Potter consoled himself that a victory 
 could be gained without any great display of generalship : 
 in short that, being commander in chief, it was ' only 
 necessary for him to retire to a safe distance, where, like 
 the famous Persian warrior, be could look serenely on 
 while the armies battered each other to their heart's 
 content. 
 
 It was early one bright morning then that a report 
 spread through the allied camp, announcing the near ap- 
 proach of the enemy. True enough, the army was 
 distinctly seen, advancing at a rapid pace, the King at its 
 head, mounted on a mule, and surrounded by at least a 
 score of priests mounted on lean asses. And so numerous 
 was the King's army that the very hills around Nezub 
 seemed black with moving figures. Seeing how matters 
 stood the allied generals quickly mounted their steeds ; 
 and equally quick was the army in order and impatient 
 for battle. And v?hen the enemy had advanced near 
 enough to let his teeth be seen, he halted. It was now 
 evident that both army's were weighing the terrible con- 
 sequences that were to result from this great battle, for 
 they stood for some time making grimaces at each other, 
 very like New York aldermen. Then sundry horns 
 began to sound, and drums to beat. And this, strange as 
 
486 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 it may seem to those of my readers who may have admired 
 the general good qualities of this singularly faithful ani- 
 mal, so disturbed old Battle's equanimity that he made 
 several attempts to bring his master to the ground : in- 
 deed he became so fractious that the general again found it 
 necessary to resign the honor of fighting this great battle to 
 Don Perez Goneti, since the management of liis horse was 
 quite enough for the head of any one general. The reserve 
 of the Kaloramas now appeared in the distance, emerging 
 from every conceivable point, and sending up such yells as 
 would have sent terror to the heart of anything but a 
 vagabond army. And while the reserves shouted in the 
 distance, the line opened fire upon the allied army, the 
 generals of which were giving out such a confusion of 
 orders as would have bewildered the most experienced 
 soldiers. Not a hair did the vagabond army budge, but 
 returned the enemy's fire with such vigor that his whole 
 line was speedily in disorder. Charges and retreats were 
 now kept up with wonderful spirit on the part of the 
 vagabonds, though not a single dead body ornamented 
 the field, which was saying no little, considering that this 
 great battle was to decide the fate of a kingdom. And 
 when I inform the reader that cries, groans, and piercing 
 imprecations mingled with the clash of arms, and gave 
 the conflict an air of ferocity it would be impossible to de- 
 scribe, the kindly feature of its result, which I am about 
 to describe, will appear the more astounding. 
 
 Notwithstanding Commander Potter kept at a safe dis- 
 tance from the bullets, his horse, Battle, took it into his 
 head to play him a very shabby trick, and which my love 
 for the truth of history constrains me to record. Wonder- 
 ful then as it may seem to those experienced in war, this 
 little prank of the faithful steed ended the term of his own 
 life and, as if by a miracle, gave the victory to the allies. 
 
Battle of the miracle. 487 
 
 And it was done in this manner. A bonntiftil providence, 
 as if foreseeing the sanguinary character of the struggle 
 that was to take place on this spot, had provided it with a 
 quag- mire of considerable depth, and so covered its surface 
 with soft, green moss, as to conceal its real character. It 
 was on the margin of this mire then that General Potter 
 lookup his position ; and just in the very hottest of the 
 battle, a bee chanced that way in search of flowers, and 
 lighting just under old Battle's tail, so goaded him with its 
 sting that he sprang forward, and then halted with such a 
 sudden motion as to vault the general over his head, and 
 into the mire, his head and three-cornered hat only re- 
 maining above the surface. Having served his master this 
 shabby trick, old Battle took to his heels, and dashing down 
 the enemy's lines, sent such a thrill of terror to the hearts 
 of the superstitious Kaloramas as made them scamper for 
 dear life. In truth they fancied him the pale horse of the 
 devil, so often described to them by the priests. Dashing 
 onward with increased speed and wildness, the bewildered 
 animal ran with great force upon the King's mule, pros- 
 trating animal and rider dead upon the ground, and, in 
 sorrow and tears do I record it, breaking his own neck. 
 Thus was the interposition of providence displayed in all 
 its bounties, and an end put to a battle which, had it con- 
 tinued, there is no estimating the conseq[uences. As it was, 
 the King, old Battle, and the mule alone paid the penalty 
 of their temerity, and lay dead upon the field. Thus 
 ended the great battle of the Miracle. 
 
CHAPTER LVI 
 
 WHICH RELATES SEVERAL CURIOUS THINGS THAT TOOK 
 PLACE AFTER THE GREAT BATTLE OF THE MIRACLE 
 WAS DECIDED ; AND ALSO HOW A GREAT QUARREL 
 AROSE CONCERNING THE GOVERNMENT OF KALORAMA. 
 
 " Faith, gentlemen," said Commander Potter, as with 
 a long pole, his attendants drew him, besmeared with soft 
 black mild, from the frog-pond, " though I know not how 
 the battle goes, and am not a bit bruised in my person, I 
 am much concerned for the damage to my uniform. My 
 horse I freely forgive, for he is really a trusty animal. 
 Go then and bring him to me, for though he served me 
 this dirty trick, my heart will not let me forget his past 
 goodness." And while a messenger was dispatched in 
 search of the wayward steed, the general was got to his 
 head-quarters, where a change of raiment so altered his 
 appearance that when his generals came to announce the 
 result of the battle scarce one of them recognised him 
 until he spoke. In truth he was quietly stretched upon 
 a bed, with nothing on but his breeches, shirt, and night 
 cap. But when they announced to him the manner in 
 which this great victory was won, he sprang to his feet, 
 and giving vent to his ecstacy, declared it nothing less 
 than a miracle. " Faith of my mother !'' he exclaimed, 
 placing his hands to his belly and tossing his head, "now 
 I know that my horse Battle was preserved to me for a 
 great purpose." 
 
 " Aye sir, it is wise of you to say so," replied Broadbot- 
 [488] 
 
A GREAT QUARREL. 489 
 
 torn, taldng him gravely by the hand, " but it is my 
 melancholy duty to inform you that the poor animal is 
 killed. But it may afford you consolation to know that 
 he first killed the King and his mule.'' This sad news so 
 affected the general that he could with di£6culty restrain 
 his tears. Indeed the words choaked in his throat for 
 several minutes, and he seemed completely overcome with 
 melancholy. "You must remember, general," replied 
 Goneti, with a flourish of his sword, '' that it is to this 
 animal we owe the success of our arms.'' 
 
 " I am delighted with this excellent account of my 
 horse," said the Commander, with regained cheerfulness. 
 " It is true, an accident I need not describe here, deprived 
 you of the great service I had intended to bestow upon 
 this battle. If, however, it was by my horse, then by all 
 all the rules of war, I am entitled to a large share of the 
 honor. It was a miracle performed by him, gentlemen ; 
 and viewing it in that light, I am consoled for his death, 
 and so peace be with him." 
 
 Broadbottom now stepped forward, in his uniform, and, 
 with a twinkle of mischief in his eye, replied: ''Our 
 Commander has it exactly. And if it please him, we 
 will have this battle called the Battle of the Miracle ! 
 
 " Faith, general," rejoined Commander Potter, '' you 
 have hit my way of thinking, exactly. Let Stoneheart 
 appear, and I will instmct him how to record this great 
 victory in the New York newspapers, so that the whole 
 union be made to dance with joy when it appears." Stone- 
 heart was not long in appearing before his Commander, 
 who at once complimented him, though in truth he was 
 in no very sober mood, on his great proficiency at making 
 the greatest victories ever won by mortal valor. And 
 although it was said of this Stoneheart that he was no- 
 where to be found during the hottest of the fight, he was 
 21* 
 
490 ADVENTURES OF JtAJOR POTTER. 
 
 not a whit ]ess than a general in his own eyes. Having 
 been enjoined what to say by his commander, this good 
 man and valiant soldier betook himself to the preparation 
 of these grandiloquent articles. As for the commander, he 
 busied himself writing ponderous dispatches to Glenmore- 
 gain, who, satisfied that he had a perfect pearl of a Com- 
 mander, as well as the kingdom of Kalorama safe between 
 his thumbs, forthwith ordered the building of seven more 
 steamships, since it was no small matter for a great mer- 
 chant to go, about with two or thi-ee kingdoms in his 
 pockets, and not have a navy to protect them. In truth 
 it must be confessed that Glenmoregain, although an excel- 
 lent gentlemen and worthy citizen, was exceedingly loose 
 in his discretion. Perhaps, however, it is charitable to 
 say that a less credulous gentleman might have yielded 
 to his enthusiasm under the same circumstances, for Com- 
 mander Potter declared by the saints that not only had 
 he been in the flame and fire of every fight, but killed 
 ■with his own arm not less than six of the enemy's best 
 generals, whose heads he would send him by the next 
 mail. 
 
 And now the allies having vanquished the poor Kalo- 
 ramas, and put the priests to flight, betook themselves to 
 rioting, and were so elated at gaining the victory, that 
 they entirely forgot to take possession of Nezub, and 
 indeed spent three whole days in such pleasant amuse- 
 ments as hanging the peasantry in the neighborhood, and 
 pillaging such things as henroosts and beehives. And 
 this strange apathy on the part of the allies afforded the 
 poor Nezubians an excellent opportunity for burying their 
 king decently ; after which they vacated their humble 
 homes, with no few sighs and regrets. In truth many 
 was the heart that beat in sorrow as it passed some fami- 
 liar object, and the eye that moistened with tears as it 
 
A GEEAT QUARREL. 491 
 
 turned to look back upon those rude cabins wherein was 
 stored all the recollections of childhood. 
 
 The generals having come to their senses on the fourth 
 day, formed their army, and suddenly remembering that it 
 would be in accordance with the usages of war to demand 
 a capitulation, dispatched an officer with a flag of truce. 
 But on entering the town he found it deserted, even to 
 the dogs ; while the priests, as if to leave traces of their 
 mission along the lonely streets, had planted them with 
 crosses. This state of things being reported. Commander 
 Potter, for want of his favorite horse, mounted a well- 
 starved mule, and placing himself at the head of his army, 
 entered the town amidst the blowing of horns and beating 
 of drums, which fully satisfied him that no greater, or 
 more fortunate commander ever lived. But the army had 
 not been in possession of the town more than an hour 
 when a great quarrel arose between Commander Potter 
 and Don Perez Goneti, touching the right to rule the 
 kingdom. Both proceeded to take possession of the king's 
 palace ; both asserted their claims in language and de- 
 meanor unbecoming soldiers ; and each ordered his follow- 
 ers to h,ang the other without judge or jury. And when 
 they were about putting an end to this dispute with their 
 drawn swords, (having given the army an incentive to dis- 
 order,) Stoneheart interposed for peace, proposing that they 
 both consider themselves sovereigns until such time as a 
 board of generals could be called to settle the question. 
 
 I ought to mention that Don Perez Goneti asserted his 
 claim on the ground of having first conceived the project 
 of getting the kingdom out of the king's fingers. Fur- 
 ther, he bid the great Potter bear in mind that he was in- 
 vited into the country, merely as an auxiliary to the carry- 
 ing out of a great undertaking. But this only served to 
 increase Commander Potter's temerity, for he asserted 
 
492 ADVENTUP.ES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 with great force that every victory yet won was due to the 
 army sent him by the New York gentleman, for whom he 
 was to get the kingdom, to say nothing of ivhat his horse 
 had done. Like sensible gentlemen, becoming weary of the 
 quarrel, tliey partook of a punch, went quietly to bed, 
 and left this great question to be settled among their 
 generals. But unfortunately their generals were not of a 
 turn of mind to agree on anything; and after spending 
 nine days in angry discussion, concluded with calling one 
 another such names as — "robber," " ruffian," " coward." 
 In fact each general had such a longing for the crown, and 
 fancied himself possessed of such a rare talent for govern- 
 ing, that neither coaxing nor beseeching could have 
 brought them to an agreement on this matter of the crown. 
 And this was to be regretted, seeing that the priests were 
 mustering the Kalorama army, and indeed giving various 
 other proofs of their itching to recover the kingdom. 
 
 And now, when disorder seemed at its highest pitch, 
 the allied army, with commendable good sense, and with- 
 out paying the slightest heed to the quarrels of its gene- 
 rals, proclaimed General Eoger Sherman Potter ruler 
 over all Kalorama ; and this was out of sheer respect to 
 his humor, for the army held it good to be ruled over by 
 a gentleman who could aiford soldiers so much diversion. 
 
 Be it known then that General Potter accepted this 
 manifestation of popular favor, as homage paid to his 
 great military skill, and having called his soldiers together, 
 he made then a speech, in which he made promises to 
 their satisfaction, declaring that he was more than a match 
 for the duties of the office. " And now, gentlemen sol- 
 diers," he concluded, " since you have made me ruler over 
 this kingdom, you shall see that I am not fresh in the 
 business. I would have you recollect, also, that the man 
 who seeks my overthrow must not take it amiss if he 
 
A GREAT QUARREL. 493 
 
 find himself dangling to a tree : it is enougli for rulers to 
 rule ; and for what follows, let citizens look to their own 
 doors." Whereupon there was great clapping of hands, 
 and indeed such acclamations of joy as convinced General 
 Potter that he was a ruler in every way worthy of their 
 admiration. 
 
 After bidding his soldiers go and regale themselves 
 wherever they could find wherewith to do it, (for as yet 
 there was no plunder in the treasury,) the ruler had an 
 account of this wonderful transformation of affairs for- 
 warded to the newspapers, that it might be published to 
 the world, which he knew in his heart felt a deep interest 
 in all his movements. This done he set to work organiz- 
 ing his cabinet ; but so jealous of Don Perez Goneti was 
 he, that in order to be well rid of him he sent him (dis- 
 guised in the garb of a priest) ambassador to Washington, 
 where, he thanked heaven, the strangeness of his figure, as 
 well as his extraordinary presumption, would be of great 
 service in recommending him to our good natured president. 
 
 Feeling the kingdom safe in his palm, he called the 
 members of his cabinet together, and addressed them in 
 the following manner : " Although I have no mitre on 
 my head, gentlemen, I am uo less ruler over this kingdom. 
 And as I am a man who loves peace, pray put an end to 
 your disputes on the spot ; for 1 intend that prudence 
 shall mark my reign. Mark what I say then : he who 
 wrangles for the small offices of this nation, had better 
 look to his reason. I challenge no man for his reputation, 
 for a public servant had needs take care of the little he 
 has got ; but if you would find favor with the people, and 
 prolong the glory of my reign, let your thoughts turn on 
 how you can best serve them. And as the nation is 
 without a treasury, I make no doubt you will preserve 
 your integrity, which, heaven knows, is more than most 
 
49i ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 men do. But of all things, lend not your ears to every 
 man's whisper ; for if you do the nation will suiFer most 
 where you least think. I would also have you moderate 
 your longing for higher office ; for it is a thing that brings 
 much evil to the nation. Above all, be mindful how you 
 give rein to your conceits, since it is come the fashion 
 for men to say fine things of you to your face, and send 
 you to the devil with their thoughts. As for myself, there 
 shall be so good an understanding between me and my 
 people that no man shall speak evil of my reign. Truly, 
 gentlemen, I hold it a pleasant thing to die and know the 
 people will say : ' Well, Roger Sherman Potter was a 
 good ruler.' And now, let every man to his office." 
 
 With this model address, the like of which is not to be 
 found in any history heretofore written, the great Potter 
 dismissed his cabinet. 
 
 The members, on consulting among themselves, came 
 to the very sensible conclusion that as their ruler had 
 failed, in his address, to throw any light upon the services 
 required of them, the nation was well enough ; and if let 
 alone would take care of itself Thej' therefore betook 
 themselves tu a small cabin buUt of palm-logs and clay, 
 where they spent the day in carousing; while the great 
 ruler contemplated the majesty of his po.sition, and the 
 army roamed over the country in search of plunder. 
 
 And now, having spent one whole day in the mighty 
 task of governing a nation, he was overtaken with one 
 of the most remarkable reverses, which not only changed 
 the whole face of affairs but came within a hair of cost- 
 ing him his life ; as well as discovering to him the fact 
 that no really great ruler was sure of his throne, even for 
 a day. And this wonderful event, with all its serious 
 results, the reader will find faithfully recorded in the next 
 chapter. 
 
CHAPTEE LVII. 
 
 TREATING OP HOW THE RULER WAS CARRIED OFF INTO 
 CAPTIVITY ON A MULE, ACCOMPANIED BY DIVERS 
 PRIESTS. 
 
 When night was come, and disorder reigned throughout 
 the camp of the allies; when both generals and men were 
 making night jubilant with their carousing, a cry broke 
 forth in Nezub that the town was surprised by the enemy. 
 A scene of the wildest confusion now ensued ; midnight 
 was made terrible by the howling of dogs, the beating of 
 drums, the tramp of horses, and the clatter of fire-arms. 
 Suddenly it was discovered that the town was in flames ; 
 and such was the terror excited in the hearts of the allied 
 vagabonds that they took to their heels and scampered 
 away like sensible men. 
 
 And here I am constrained to record, without the slight- 
 est disparagement to my ruler, that having drank three 
 punches before he retired to bed, he was disturbed of his 
 slumbers by seven priests, who came rushing into his cham- 
 ber, and without so much as giving him time to put on his 
 breeches, dragged him forth in his shirt, and having mount- 
 ed him on a mule, hurried him out of town at full speed. 
 " The fates have gone against me," said General Potter, 
 musing to himself as he rode silently along on his mule, 
 accompanied by the priests, similarly mounted, but not in 
 their shirts. " But a few hours since, I was measuring 
 the exact dimensions of my glory. Faith of my father ! 
 I felt the kingdom as safe between ray fingers as need 
 
 [4951 
 
496 ADVENTURES OF JtAJOK POTTER. 
 
 be ; and here I am riding a mule for the diversion of 
 these fellows in black gowns ; which is an unparalleled 
 discourtesy to a ruler of my standing." Turning to the 
 priests, he addressed them thus : "As you are good and 
 holy men, may I pray that you will respect my position as 
 ruler of this kingdom. Nor do I think it becomes you to 
 trifle thus with my dignity : therefore give me one of 
 your gowns, for the curious figure I am cutting becomes 
 neither of us. And as you owe a duty to heaven, give 
 me raiment, and tell me whither you carry me." The 
 priests made no answer, but whipping up their mules con- 
 tinued on their journey until they reached a grove of palm- 
 trees, some four miles from Nezub, where they halted, 
 and having lighted torches, which threw a curious glow 
 over the foliage, and invested the scene with an air of 
 deep solemnity, they put General Potter on his trial, pre- 
 paratory to which he was ordered to sit upon the ground, 
 while the most aged of the priests took a seat upon the 
 trunk of a tree. 
 
 First, they inquired of him what he had to say touch- 
 ing their punishment in riding the asses in the plaza, 
 which grievously wounded their feelings. "As to the 
 asses, gentlemen," replied Ruler Potter, " they, I take it, 
 are emblematic of penitence, which I am sure your rever- 
 ences ought not be ashamed of, since if my memory 
 serves me right, (and it is good enough to trust on such 
 matter,) I have read somewhere in Scripture that the 
 apostles rode asses, and were not ashamed." 
 
 "Aye," replied the venerable priests, " but that was so 
 long ago, and bears so little resemblance to our case, that 
 it will not serve as .1 precedent. Heading a band of 
 vagrants in pursuit of plunder, you have overrun our 
 country, caused the death of our good king, and made 
 the priesthood to be scoffed at, which is a crime meriting 
 
HIS CAPTIVITY. 497 
 
 death. Having set yourself up for a ruler adds no small 
 injury to the insults you have already inflicted upon this 
 kingdom ; we therefore condemn you to death, and are 
 resolved to see yon hanged on one of these trees at six in 
 the morning." The general essayed to speak in reply to 
 this sentence, but the priests hid him hold his peace, and 
 join them in preparing his snul for heaven. And forthwith 
 they commenced chanting prayers over him ; but as their 
 prayers were in Latin, not one word could he understand. 
 Instead, however, of bemoaning his fate, as the reader 
 may be prepared to expect, the condemned betook him- 
 self to mourning the loss of his kingdom, and devising 
 means to regain it. He was also not a little puzzled to 
 know what road his graceless army had taken, for he 
 knew in his heart, they would lose no time in getting safely 
 out of the country. In truth he began to curse the day 
 he took command of Glenmoregain's army ; for though 
 he might have been a good enough gentleman him- 
 self, and have a praiseworthy liking for kingdoms, his 
 army was made up of arrant rascals, who treated their 
 commander as if he were a fool, had no fear of the devil, 
 and deserved hanging. 
 
 While then the priests were chanting prayers for his 
 soul, his mind was also occupied with these lines : 
 
 " The funeral train, with the mler came, 
 And passing slowly through the grove ; 
 Dropped tears of sorrow 
 Ah honored they lay him in his lonely grave." 
 
 Then, the priests became oppressed for want of sleep ; and 
 in short were so overcome with the fatigue of their ride 
 that, having tied their mules to trees, they stripped off 
 their gowns, and, convinced in their own minds that the 
 prisoner would not attempt to escape in his shirt, (or if 
 
498 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 he did, that his want of raiment was proof against any one 
 taking him in), they stretched themselves down upon the 
 ground, and were soon fast asleep. 
 
 Now, notwithstanding General Potter still fancied him- 
 self ruler over Kalorama, he felt that his head was quite as 
 well on his own shoulders, for there was his wife Polly, 
 and three children, who, for aught lie knew to the con- 
 trary might stand much in need of a portion of his spoils, 
 which as yet had been small indeed. He therefore got 
 quietly up, and habiting himself in the hat and gown of 
 a priest, mounted the fleetest mule of the lot, and reach- 
 ing the high-road, in breathless anxiety, set out at full 
 speed toward Jolliffee, confident that he would overtake 
 or get some tidings of his straying army on the road. 
 When he had got some three miles over the road, he 
 turned in his saddle, listened with great caution, and said : 
 " To the devil with you. Mister Priests, for General 
 Potter owes you no thanks, and can take care of himself. 
 See what it is to leave until morning a job you should 
 have done at night ! " 
 
CHAPTER LVIII. 
 
 IN WHICH THE EEADEE WILL FIND MUCH THAT IS CU- 
 RIOUS AND INTEEESTING. 
 
 When morning came, ai tl the priests were awakened 
 by the singing of birds and t'.n: chattering of monkeys (as 
 if in derision at their sloth), they no sooner discovered 
 their great loss than they set to berating each another 
 right soundly ; not because they cared a whit for what 
 evil the fellow eould do, but that, having set their hearts 
 on the hanging, it only grieved them to find that they 
 had lost so excellent an opportunity of thus skilfully pay- 
 ing the scamp off for his tricks. " Let us preserve peace 
 between us, for perhaps it is ordained of heaven ! " said 
 the v^enerable priest, with great solemnity of countenance. 
 "And remember, brothers, we have made Jose Farino 
 king, and have much need to join him, and. lend him our 
 aid in driving these vagabonds out of the country." 
 Much debate was had on this question, which, however, 
 resulted in an agreement to first pursue and recapture 
 the condemned. So after they had refreshed themselves, 
 and offered up prayer for the success of their under- 
 taking, they mounted their mules and set off at full 
 speed. But as is too often the case with them when over- 
 anxious to get sinners to heaven, they forgot to look for 
 the footprints, and galloped their mules in the wrong 
 direction, and there we must leave them. 
 
 Being scrupulous of the character which my hero shall 
 maintain for strict honesty, I here enjoin the reader to 
 
 [499] 
 
500 ADVESTUr.ES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 remember the circumstances under which General Roger 
 Potter, ruler over all Kalorama, was constrained to 
 commit a theft so small "as that of the mule and the priest's 
 gown. Life is sweet with the greatest heroes ; and let 
 no man question the means by which they seek to pre- 
 serve it until he has felt the halter about his own neck. 
 
 Know then, that while the priests were pursuing their 
 blind way, eager for a victim, the retreating rnler, being 
 hungry and anxious, was entering the cabin of a poor 
 peasant woman, having travelled some twenty miles on 
 the road without stopping., No sooner did the poor 
 woman see him than she fell upon her knees, crossed her- 
 self and began saying her beads. In short she paid 
 reverence to him in so many ways that he became 
 alarmed lest she go mad with joy ; for being clad in the 
 garb of a priest, and in his bare feet, she mistook him for 
 one of those good and holy men who go over the country 
 renouncing the vanities of the world, and setting an 
 example to others by the terrible penance paid with the 
 soles of their feet. And when she had paid him rever- 
 ence to her satisfaction, she bid her children provide 
 fodder for his mule, for she saw the animal was in a 
 lather and seriously jaded. " Madam, I am General 
 Roger Potter, ruler over this nation. Being in pursuit 
 of my army, pray tell me if you have seen it straying 
 this way ; " spoke the general, with becoming courtesy. 
 But as neither could understand a word the other said, 
 matters became singularly confused, and to all the gener- 
 al's questions, the good woman would answer by placing 
 her hands to her bosom, looking heavenward with appeal- 
 ing sweetness, and whispering : " Holy virgin! " 
 
 " Faith of my mother ! " exclaimed the general, as he 
 concealed the condition of his legs with the priest's gown, 
 " I am not the person she takes me for — that 's certain ! " 
 
HIS ESCAPE. 501 
 
 Soon she brouglit water and washed his feet, combed and 
 perfumed his beard 'which was excessively dirty), and 
 indeed bestowed so many little kindnesses that his heart 
 was moved, and he not only shed tears, but said within 
 himself: " Honestly, it is better to have peace and com- 
 fort in a cabin like this (for the smiles of this good 
 woman seem to have much of heaven in them), than to 
 rule king over a nation, and live in a palace when there 
 is no safety against being hanged. Truly, 1 begin to feel 
 that my ambition has made me a great fool." In wash- 
 ing his feet, the good woman discovered the true condition 
 of his raiment, though it was by the merest accident. 
 The good man, she said within herself, has in his anxiety 
 to do penance forgotten to arrange his robes. In the ten- 
 derest manner, then, she brought him the breeches and 
 doublet of her dead husband, for whose soul she he- 
 seeched him to pray. The application of the garments 
 he readily understood ; but for the prayers, the good 
 woman had to accept the will for the deed. 
 
 To aflEbrd his reverence an opportunity of arranging 
 his clothes, the good woman proceeded to the garden and 
 filled her basket with plantain for his breakfast. Much 
 as the general stood in need of shoes, he sat himself down 
 for a most fortunate gentleman in being able to procure 
 even such raiment ; for, said he, what a figure I would cut 
 entering JoUiffee on a mule, and in the hat and gown of a 
 priest. When, therefore, he had breakfasted on plantain 
 and yams, to which a dish of coffee was added, he returned 
 thanks to the good woman, and fearing the priests might 
 be in pursuit of him, bid her an affectionate adieu, mount- 
 ed his mule, and proceeded on his journey. 
 
 Travelling all day under a burning sun, he found the 
 priest's hat of great service in protecting his brain, which 
 otherwise would have dissolved. When night came he 
 
502 ADVESTUEES OF MAJOR PCtTTER. 
 
 was more than six leagues from Jolliflfee, and liis mule 
 being much jaded, and himself fatigued, he drew up by 
 the road-side, in a grove of palms, beneath which a spring 
 of crystal water gushed forth and rippled away over the 
 pebbly bottom. The mule having quenched its thirst, the 
 general seated himself beside the spring ; and when he 
 had refreshed himself on some crusts and water, gave 
 himself up to contemplation. And the perfect stillness 
 that pervaded the grove (for not a sound was heard, and 
 even the mule seemed to have an instinctive knowledge 
 of his master's musings, for he baited cautiously of the 
 young grass) gave to his revery a melancholy turn. His 
 forlorn condition ; the many sudden and unforseen misfor- 
 tunes that had come upon him ; the narrow escapes for 
 his life ; the many times he had almost dangled at the limb 
 of a tree ; and the unnumbered batterings and bruisings he 
 had got while displaying his " military valor" — -all flashed 
 across his mind, as if stretched upon a clearly defined 
 panorama, and caused him to heave a deep sigh. What 
 compensation had he got for all these sufferings, which 
 were the result of his ambition ? And the answer came 
 to him with the suddenness of lightning — " Ruler over 
 Kalorama, for a day.'' " Heaven be with me," he sighed ; 
 " for now my poverty is perfect. And who would envy 
 my fate, here in a desert, without a friend, and in the rai- 
 ment of a priest, which if I cast off I shall look like a 
 clown, which will not do for the man who has ruled a 
 kingdom. Therefore, I say, seeing that it is good to he an 
 honest man, that if heaven spare me and get me safely out 
 of this snare, I will go to my home, and there live so good 
 a man that the neighbors shall say, Roger Potter is a 
 Christian. Faith of my father, I begin to have a hate for 
 these rogues of rulers, and would give a dozen kingdoms 
 of the size of Kalorama to be safe beside my good wife 
 
HIS ESCAPE. 503 
 
 Polly. And resolved am I to g-et to her, so heaven favor 
 my inclinations, and let not death overtake me on the 
 way. As for my employer, if he still persist in gratifying 
 his love for getting kingdoms, why, he can get him another 
 general, for there is no lack of them. Truly, I have had 
 trials enough in his service, and if he say I have not 
 killed enough of the enemy, I can tell him that the com- 
 mander who can hoast of his clean sword is your true 
 hero. I confess, he sent me rascals enough to destroy the 
 morals of a dozen kingdoms or more ; but what matters 
 that when I have not a dollar in my pocket to buy shoes 
 to my feet ; and even the paltry sum he promised has 
 never seen the way to my pocket. I swear, then, to give 
 up all these longings, and, though stripped of my coat, 
 get speedily to my home, comfort my family, and live like 
 a man." 
 
 The forlorn general was interrupted in these reveries 
 by a rustling noise in the hushes. And fearing he might 
 have been discovered by robbers (for be knew they in- 
 fested that part of the country), he drew up his mule and 
 was about to mount and be off. But a female voice sud- 
 denly struck up a song, which rang silvery through the 
 grove, and in such sweet cadences that the very trees 
 seemed enchanted. Pausing, the general stood as if bound 
 in admiration, whilst the priest's gown dropped from his 
 shoulders, unfortunately leaving him in his doublet and 
 breeches. Looking in the direction of the music, he espied 
 emerging from a cluster of bushes, and tripping gaily 
 towards him, two young persons be would have sworn 
 were lovers, for the man had his arm about the waist of 
 the damsel, a girl just in the bud of womanhood, who 
 looked lovingly into his face, as she sang for his enter- 
 tainment. I may mention that she was of what novel- 
 writers call medium size, with features exquisitely regular, 
 
504 ADVEKTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 eyes ravishingly black, and a deep olive complexion, which 
 though charms enough for one, were enhanced by tresses 
 of black, silky hair, that fell down below her waist. 
 
 The touching sweetness of the song cheered the gener- 
 al's heart, and was like a gleam of sunshine lighting up 
 the dark and adverse events of his life. The singer and 
 her companion suddenly stopped, and as the thrills of her 
 song died away among the whispering branches, they 
 stood gazing fixedly at the newly discovered object in the 
 grove. As the man was not dressed in the garb common 
 to the country, General Eoger Potter resolved within 
 himself not to give way to his fears, as perhaps he might 
 be a soldier of his retreating army. While the lovers, on 
 the other hand, were not a little puzzled as to the true 
 character of the strange figure before them ; for while he 
 wore on his head the hat of a priest, his breeches and 
 doublet were those of a mountebank. '' Heavenly, stran- 
 ger, if you be not an enemy, you can render me great 
 service. And as I stand in much need of food and rai- 
 ment, draw near that I may commend myself to you ;" 
 spoke the general. And so peifect was the stillness of 
 the grove that the words were distinctly echoed to the 
 lovers. Indeed, the man was seen to express surprise and 
 astonishment. But if he was astonished, the general 
 stood confounded when he saw his arms fall from the dam- 
 sel's waist, and heard the echo of these words, in return : 
 " Heavens ! if my ears do not deceive me, it is our gener- 
 al's voice.'' 
 
 " Aye, I am General Roger Potter, recently ruler 
 over this kingdom," returned the general, in a trembhng 
 voice, for he was still more bewildered. 
 
 '' And yet," rejoined he with the damsel, " it cannot be 
 our general, for he is dressed in the garb of a clown ; and 
 may the devil get me if I think he would dress in that 
 
HIS ESCAPE. 505 
 
 style, though it were to got him safe out of the country.'' 
 Having said this, he was seen to leave the girl sitting 
 upon the trunk of a tree, and to advance a few paces 
 towards the figure in the strange dress. He then paused, 
 and after a searching glance, quickened his pace, and 
 then at the very top of his speed, ran into the other's 
 arms, crying, " general ! general ! my good master, let 
 our meeting here be set down for a miracle, for I have 
 much need to ask your forgiveness." 
 
 " Faith of my father !" exclaimed the general, releasing 
 his hold of the mule and embracing the stranger, " Tick- 
 ler, my faithful secretary ! is it you ? 
 
 "Me, and nobody else!" rejoined the stranger, who 
 was no less a person than the lost secretary. History af- 
 fords no record of a greeting between a great general and 
 his secretary half so enthusiastic as that which took place 
 on this occasion. Both were nearly affected to tears ; and 
 80 anxious were they to relate what had befallen them 
 since they parted, that it seemed as if they could not wait 
 another minute. In short, when one began to speak the 
 other would interrupt, impatient lest he forget something 
 of particular interest. Like sensible gentlemen, feeling 
 that they were too much overcome by the meeting, they 
 agreed to postpone the account of their exploits, and pro- 
 ceed at once to the house of Angelio's parents ; for that 
 was the name of the damsel who accompanied Tickler 
 through the grove. " It is but half a league from this," 
 said Tickler, " and as they are poor, but honest people, 
 you will be welcome under their roof, and get such refresh- 
 ment as I see you stand much in need of." Seeing this 
 friendly meeting between her lover and the stranger, 
 Angelio tripped lightly to where they stood, and with a 
 smile of childlike innocence lighting up her sweet face, 
 held out her hand in token of her friendship. And when 
 22 
 
506 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the general had acknowledged this with his usual courte- 
 sy, she blushed, and shook her head, and placed her right 
 hand to her heart, which was her mute but- forcible reply, 
 for not a word of the tongue in which he spoke could she 
 understand. 
 
 " And now, general," spoke the critic, " let me lead the 
 mule, and do you accompany Angelic, for I remember 
 your gallantry." Just as this was bringing to life all that 
 vanity for which the general has distinguished himself 
 throughout this history, Mr. Tickler continued : " But 
 pray, how comes it that your excellency is dressed in this 
 strange garb 1" Suddenly discovering the condition he 
 was in, he picked up the gown, had it about him in a 
 trice, and was for offering no end of apologies, which 
 Tickler put an end to by assuring him, that although 
 Angelio's blushes were all the results of innocence, she 
 was by no means prudish. And now, having got himself 
 safely rolled up in the priest's gown, the general gallant- 
 ly proceeded with Angelio to her father's house, followed 
 by the critic, leading the mule. And for what took place 
 when they arrived at that humble abode, the reader is 
 referred to the next chapter. 
 

 
CHAPTER LIX. 
 
 WHICH RELATES A CURIOUS CONYERSATION THAT TOOK 
 PLACE WHEN THEY REACHED THE HOUSE OP ANGE- 
 LIO'S PARENTS. 
 
 As it would be impossible to describe, within the limits 
 to which I am bound as writer of this history, the many 
 curious things that took place when they reached the 
 home of Angelio, I must content myself by stating that 
 the general was cordially received by her aged parents, 
 who set before him the best fare their humble condition 
 afforded, such being the custom of the country. They 
 also hastened to provide for his mule. In short, nothing 
 was left undone that could in any way add to the comfort 
 of man and beast ; and though their cabin was built of 
 logs and reeds, more perfect happiness was not to be found 
 under any roof. When then, the general had refreshed 
 himself, Angelio sung to him, brought him flowers, took 
 his hand in her own, and so cheered his drooping spirits 
 that he forthwith commenced, and gave Mr. Tickler an 
 account of all that had befallen him since they parted, 
 not even forgetting to mention the death of old Battle, 
 and the wonderful exploit by which it was brought about ; 
 ■all of which has been truthfully recorded, and need not 
 be repeated here. And when he was finished, he request- 
 ed Mr. Tickler to give him an account of how he came to 
 be so comfortably situated. " Honestly, your excellency," 
 replied Mr. Tickler, "though it cannot be said of me 
 that I have faults as a critic, I confess to have weaknesses 
 
 [507] 
 
508 ADVENTURES OP MAJOK POTTER. 
 
 which are strong in the nature, as it is called ; and these 
 weaknesses run to making love, which is a passion with 
 me." 
 
 " Pray, sir," interrupted the general, with a nod, 
 '• remember that men of your profession cannot lay exclu- 
 sive claim to this, for it is common to the soldier, and 
 indeed the very best proof of his gallantry." 
 
 " That may be," resumed the critic, '' I know but little 
 of soldiering ; though give me the pen and I can fight a 
 good stroke. Seeing that you were bent on having a 
 war, which I saw would result in no end of bloody bat- 
 tles. ' Orlando Tickler,' said I to myself, 'to them that 
 likes with the war, and do yon keep at a safe distance ; 
 for when swords are clashing there's no knowing one min- 
 ute where a man's head may be the very next.' So while 
 your excellency was surrounded by your generals, and had 
 all your thoughts fixed on conquering the kingdom, I rode 
 my mule into the very grove where we met, intending 
 there to spend the night, proceed to Jolliffee in the morn- 
 ing, and seek my way home as best I could. In truth, I 
 felt my poverty pinching, and I was hungry." 
 
 " Two human ills no amount of courage can overcome,'' 
 rejoined the general, with a patronizing bow. 
 
 " It was midnight when 1 fell asleep, having quenched 
 my thirst, at the spring ; but the thought of home seriously 
 disturbed my slumbers. However, as morning advanced, 
 I got into a deep sleep, from which I awoke when the sun 
 was up ; and hearing the voice of Angelio, which floated 
 soft and sweetly through the grove, as she sang a plain-- 
 tive song, I fancied myself transported into a fairy land. 
 Now, I must tell you that this innocent girl, as I am told 
 by a priest, and know of myself, had a lover who died 
 not long since, and was buried in this grove, at the foot 
 of a palm-tree. And so strorg was lier affection for him. 
 
A CUEIOUS CONVERSATION. 509 
 
 that she regularly paid her devotions at hfs grave. The 
 hour chosen for giving this proof of her grief being early 
 morning, she -would pluck wild flowers, fresh with dew, 
 and scatter them over Lis grave, which was all that hea- 
 ven had spared to heal her wounded heart. She was on 
 one of these errands of devotion, then, when we met. 
 And here I must tell you, that notwithstanding my mule 
 was gone, she was so surprised at seeing me, that to pre- 
 serve her innocence she would have run terrified to her 
 home, had it not been that I made such signs as convinced 
 her I was no enemy. As her courage returned, I ap- 
 proached cautiously, and soon had the satisfaction to see 
 her sit down upon the trunk of a fallen tree, where we 
 met as hearts moved by true sympathy only can meet. 
 As she spoke in Spanish, I could not understand a word 
 she said ; nor could she understand me ; but as kindness 
 begets kindness, it soon came to pass that our affections 
 flowed in one stream ; and though the gushing was rapid, 
 it seemed as if the fountain would never dry. 
 
 " It may surprise you not a little that this was brought 
 about so suddenly ; but if your excellency was as well 
 skilled in these love affairs as he is in directing a great 
 battle, he would have no trouble in understanding it." 
 
 "Faith! and I have had some experience in these 
 matters, as my wife Polly can tell you." 
 
 " Well," resumed Tickler, '' I wiped the tears from her 
 eyes, kissed and kissed her blushing cheeks ; and, in truth, 
 offered her so many proofs of my sincerity, that she re- 
 turned it with three-fold interest. Then she led me to 
 the cabin of her parents, who gave me a warm welcome, 
 and have ever since strove to make my happiness com- 
 plete. And now, to shorten the story, I will just tell your 
 excellency, that having given such proofs of our affec- 
 tions as none could mistake, a priest was called in, and 
 
510 ADVKNTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER, 
 
 •we were married on the very next morning. And ag 
 you will see that Angelio is possessed of charms no critic 
 could possibly resist, I will say here, that from that hour 
 nothing has occured to mar the bright stream of our love, 
 except that Angelio still continues to strew the grave of 
 her first lover with flowers." 
 
 ■' Upon my honor, as a soldier, sir, I never was more 
 delighted in my life. And as the word of a critic is not 
 to be doubted, I take what you say for truth, and am not 
 surprised that you choose this delightful enjoyment in pref- 
 erence to mixing up in the affairs of war," spoke the gen- 
 eral, as Mr. Tickler concluded his story. " But pray tell 
 me, sir, have you no tidings of my army V the general in- 
 quired, in a manner so confused as to show that his thoughts 
 had been wandering to his military exploits. " Having 
 lost my kingdom, it would be some relief to know which 
 way my army has strayed." 
 
 " That I was going to speak of, but it escaped me. You 
 must know, then, that a priest came in a few days ago, 
 (and he is no liar!) and reported that 'these vagabonds,' 
 meaning your excellency's army, were scattered all over 
 the country, and were in a sad plight, many of them d^'ing 
 of hunger." 
 
 " Good enough for them !" replied the general, to Mr. 
 Tickler's utter astonishment. " And if every general be 
 not hanged before he gets out of the country, then you 
 may set it down that the devil is on their side; for it was 
 by their disorders I lost my kingdom." 
 
 " What ! and has your excellency given up the com- 
 mand of his army ?" 
 
 " Honestly, friend Tickler, though I have a rare talent 
 for commanding, I would defy the devil to keep order in 
 this army sent me by Glenmoregain. As for the king- 
 dom, I resign that like an honorable man : and if this 
 
A CURIOUS CONVERSATION. 511 
 
 ambitious gentleman wants it still, let him employ another 
 general, for I am resolved to get home where peace reigns, 
 and I can go to bed without fear of being hanged in the 
 morning. Yes, sir, I am resolved to wash my hands of 
 all these vanities, and employ whatever means will carry 
 me quickest out of the country." 
 
 " By the saints, general, it has never been my good for- 
 tune to hear you talk so sensible. And if you will just 
 come into the garden you shall know more of my inclina 
 tions in this matter." They now sallied out into the garden 
 and took seats beneath some pomegranate trees, the night 
 being clear, and the moon shedding a bright light over the 
 landscape. Feeling sure no one would overhear him, Mr. 
 Tickler said to the general : " I would have you know, 
 sir, that nothing would so grieve me as to break faith with 
 my Angelio. But how can a man brought up to the excite- 
 ments of New York life content himself in a desert, where 
 there is neither opera nor balls to go to ?" And though 
 my love for Angelio knows no bounds, there are damsels 
 at home for whom I have a curious longing. Since, then, 
 you are resolved to get out of the country, I will give it 
 out that I am I'esolved to accompany you to Jolliffee, 
 promising to return when I have seen you safe on your 
 journey. And when we are there, seeing that it will be 
 no difficult matter for Angelio to get another lover, I will 
 keep your excellency company to New York." 
 
 " Honestly, friend Tickler," replied the general, " I see 
 you are a great rogue, and no exception to your calling. 
 Albeit, if you choose to leave so kind a damsel, and have 
 no fear of her heart and your own reputation, why, so let 
 it be.'' And now, scrupulously a<? I respect the high hon- 
 or which rules among critics in general, my love for truth 
 constrains me here to record, notwithstanding it may do 
 serious damage to the literary reputation of this history, 
 
512 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOR POTTEK. 
 
 that this colloquy ended with ananging a plan by which 
 Mr. Tickler was to betray Angelic, and leave her the 
 wreck of a broken heart. 
 
 For three days, then, did General Potter enjoy the hos- 
 pitalities of this humble cottage, Angelio cutting up the 
 priest's gown and making it into raiment, which she saw 
 he stood much in need of She likewise busied herself in 
 preparing food for their refreshment on the road, for the 
 husband in whom she placed so much trust, and whose 
 promise, as conveyed to her by the priest, she held as sa- 
 cred, had discovered to her his intention to bear the gen- 
 eral company as far as Jolliffee. Early on the following 
 morning, then, having completed their arrangements, Mr. 
 Tickler kissed and took a fond leave of his Angelio, 
 mounted his mule, and left her, never to return. In an- 
 other minute they were coursing down the road on their 
 journey, Angelio and her parents offering up prayers for 
 their safety. 
 
CHAPTER LX. 
 
 THE LAST AND MOST OUEIOUS CHAPTER IN " THIS EVENT- 
 FUL HISTORY." 
 
 Many strange and unforeseen events have overtaken 
 and seriously damaged the prospects of various great 
 monarchs, and indeed nipped their career in the very hud. 
 At least, EG it is written in history. But I venture to as- 
 sert, that never until the history of General Roger Sher- 
 man Potter was given to the world, could there be found 
 any record of a great monarch who had ruled supreme 
 over a kingdom, won battles such as mankind never had 
 dreamed of, and indeed gained so much glory that every 
 general in the nation was envious of it, escaping, on a 
 mule, from the country he had conquered, and leaving his 
 army to the devil and the enemy. Your exacting critic 
 may say, there is Napoleon ! But I would have him bear 
 in mind, that while Napoleon sent terror to the very heart 
 of nations, the presence of General Potter was a sign of 
 feasting and merriment, which things are blessings man- 
 kind stand much in need of. 
 
 But why do I thus give way to my giddy brain ? Why, 
 too, should I thus rudely abandon my hero when on his re- 
 turn to the land where he drew his first breath, carrying with 
 him no less than a multitude of laurels 1 Nay ! though 
 my few remaining locks are silvered with the frosts of 
 four-score winters, and my almost palsied hand refuses to 
 render me further service, I will not thus leave him to his 
 fate. Having been ruler over Kalorama, I am sensitive 
 22* [513] 
 
514 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 of his virtues, and would give the world rather than have 
 him damage his reputation. To enter New York, then, 
 T\ith his glories yet moist upon his garments, and give 
 himself up to the follies of those who follow the trade of 
 setting lip heroes, would be to consign himself to an ob- 
 livion no man need envy. Being of a humane turn, I am 
 resolved this shall not be, though it were necessary to in- 
 voke the power of the saints to prevent it. 
 
 In resuming, then, I will merely mention that General 
 Potter and the critic arrived safe at Jolliffee, the former 
 feeling a regret now and then for the loss of his kingdom, 
 and the latter scarcely giving a thought to his Angelic. 
 And, as heaven favors the vanquished, so they found in the 
 harbor of Jolliffe a brig, which had therein sought shel- 
 ter from a storm. Taking advantage of this fortunate cir- 
 cumstance — for the brig was bound to New York — they 
 sold their mules, and with the price nicely in their pock- 
 ets, proceeded on board and demanded passage for charity's 
 sake. And when they discovered what manner of men 
 they were, the captain treated them with great considera- 
 tion, and not only gave them of his best cheer, but was 
 delighted at the chance of doing so kind an act as that of 
 rescuing them from the clutches of the enemy and convej'- 
 ing them safely to their homes. He also shared his ward- 
 robe with the general ; but all his efforts to cheer his droop- 
 ing spirits failed. The loss of his kingdom was no trifling 
 matter ; but the sufferings he had endured cured him 
 of his ambition for worldly glories. And although the pas- 
 sage to New York was long and tedious, he would sit for 
 hours, alone, and without exchanging a word with any 
 one. Then again he would mutter to himself, " Worldly 
 grandeurs— oh ! what are they ? God disposes all things ! 
 perhaps I did not deserve the kingdom ; and so His will 
 be done." Again he would sit gazing for hours at the 
 
THE RETURN. 515 
 
 stars, and sigh as if tbe cares of his forlorn heart were too 
 heavy for him to bear. 
 
 I remember that once, during one of these reveries, he 
 called Mr. Tickler to him, saying, " Eemember, my trusty 
 friend, I do not mourn the loss of this kingdom because I 
 am weak at heart, but that it is natural for a man to re- 
 flect on his losses. All I now ask is that heaven will 
 save me from a watery grave, and see me safe home to 
 my wife Polly." 
 
 When they arrived at New York it turned out that di- 
 vers newspapers had made great victories of all his re- 
 verses. And this so delighted his whole host of admirers 
 that no sooner had the news of his return got noised about 
 than they ran mad to meet him, discharged numerous 
 cannons, and indeed made so many demonstrations of joy 
 that the whole city was on tip-toe to see him, and not a 
 few otherwise sensible persons would have exchanged all 
 their worldly goods for even a thread of his garments. A 
 committee of faded heroes and highly-flushed aldermen 
 rushed to the Battery to pay him homage, and would have 
 had him drawn through the city by the lean horses I have 
 before described. But unlike another great hero I have 
 in my eye, he yielded to the promptings of his modesty, 
 took leave of Mr. Tickler with tears in his eyes, and with 
 a little bundle under his arm, landed and walked quietly 
 away. In fine, (and with reverence do I record it here to 
 his credit) he shook his head, and when the committee of 
 honor pressed upon him and seemed resolved that he 
 should undergo no few ceremonies, he turned and ad- 
 dressed them thus : " Let me to my peace, gentlemen, for 
 I am no fool. And if you be good and honest men, dis- 
 turb not the peace of the community in this manner, but 
 get to your homes ; and if you cannot comfort your fami- 
 lies, give what you can to the poor, and heaven will for- 
 
516 ADVENTURES OF ilAJOE POTTER. 
 
 give you for your foUies." Indeed, so firmly was he 
 resolved to wash his hands of the world that no force of 
 argument could have induced him to call upon Glenmore- 
 gain, whom he felt in his heart would he grievously dis- 
 appointed that he had not returned with his pockets 
 stuffed full of kingdoms. 
 
 And now, at early dawn of a November morning, a short, 
 fat man, in tight-fitting garments and the hat of a priest, 
 might have been seen stepping from on board a small 
 schooner just arrived at Barnstable. His face was cov- 
 ered with a thick, coarse beard, his countenance wore a 
 dejected air, and his raiment, if the hat be excepted, was 
 shabby enough for a professional mountebank out of busi- 
 ness. A chilly wind and a drizzling rain filled the heavens 
 with gloom ; mist-clouds rolled over the land ; a gray fog 
 trailed lazily along the harbor ; the scudding clouds vault- 
 ed along the heavens as if driven by the furies ; and, in- 
 deed, the drenched earth was bespread with a pall of gloom. 
 
 The dejected man — for sueh he seemed — adjusted the 
 little bundle under his arm, looked confusedly upon each 
 object that met his eye, and then picked his way, shiver- 
 ing, over the muddy road into the outskirts of the town, 
 which was yet in a sound sleep. He was soon wet to the 
 skin, and the great rain-drops that fell from his broad- 
 brimmed hat added to the forlornness of his condition. 
 The ducks by the roadside ran to their ponds quacking 
 as he approached ; and even the geese seemed to pity his 
 condition, for they awoke to gabble him out a salutation, 
 and having shook their feathers, they would sail in the 
 same direction, so long as there was water, and then 
 take leave of him with a loud gabbling. But this homage 
 brought him no consolation : indeed, the bleak earth 
 seemed sending a deeper chill to his heart ; and the brown 
 leaf that hung twirling and dripping from the almost na- 
 
THE RETURN. - 517 
 
 ked tree by the roadside, invested his feelings with a 
 deeper melancholy, for in it he read the sorrows of a dead 
 summer. 
 
 Halting at the door of a little house, the roof overgrown 
 with black moss, the windows filled with rags, and poverty 
 written upon every shingle, he stood for several seconds 
 hesitating and shivering. Now he fixed his eyes upon the 
 ground and seemed giving his thoughts to the music of the 
 rain-drops ; now he turned his eyes sorrowfully upward, 
 as if contemplating the driving clouds. And while I assert 
 that not even the most keen-eyed observer of human 
 things would have detected in this forlorn sojourner a 
 professional warrior returning from the scene of endless 
 victories, and now out of business, the reader, I am sure, 
 will not be surprised when I inform him that this drenched 
 traveler was no less a person than General Roger Sher- 
 man Potter, commonly called Roger Potter, the like of 
 whose exploits modern history bears no record. 
 
 Having done ample penance in the storm, he shook 
 the rain from his hat and knocked timidly at the door, to 
 which he placed his ear and listened, as if counting with 
 great exactness every second that intervened between its 
 opening. Presently a little window at the side opened 
 and a lean but well-browned face, framed in the grim 
 border of a dusky night-cap, protruded. Then a sharp, 
 shrill voice inquired, " Who's there ?" 
 
 " Heaven be blessed, Polly, it is your husband Ro- 
 ger !" replied the traveler, as the words faltered in his 
 chattering teeth. Exclamations of joy so various that 
 they have entirely escaped the writer of this history, fol- 
 lowed this glad announcement. Thrice the good woman 
 invoked the blessings of the angels ; and, in truth, so 
 bent did she seem on going mad with joy, that it was not 
 for several minutes that she bethought herself of opening 
 
518 ADVENTUEE3 OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 the door. But when she did, not a second elapsed until 
 they were in eacli other's arms, unburdening their affec- 
 tions in kisses and such other tokens of the deep seated 
 love they bore each other, that for minutes, and even 
 hours, it seemed impossible they could survive their joys, 
 which I here confess (lest some critic set me down for a 
 malicious writer,) ran into tears, such being the most pious 
 proof of perfect happiness. 
 
 When, then, they had wiped away their tears of joy, 
 and were more composed, the good woman, having bid 
 Roger be seated, said, " A merciful providence, dear 
 Eoger, must have hovered over all your undertakings, or 
 you could not have gained them kingdoms you described 
 in your letter — " 
 
 " Umph !" returned Eoger, hanging down and shaking 
 his head, " the kingdoms would be well enough if they did 
 not slip so easily through one's fingers. And what is 
 more, dear Polly, I have come to know that there is only 
 one kingdom an honest man need have a longing for, 
 which is the Kingdom of Heaven. Therefore, I am re- 
 solved for the rest of my days to covet no other.'' 
 
 " But you talk strangely, husband ; for I can vow of 
 my own knowledge that you would not have conquered 
 all them kingdoms without bringing home cart-loads of gold. 
 We have had a terrible struggle for bread, dear husband !" 
 
 " You surprise me, Polly ! did I not send you a purse 
 full of doubloons not long since ? " 
 
 " The one you sent it with must have mistaken the 
 road, husband, for he has not showed his face here." 
 
 " Here's where the kingdoms pinch," muttered Eo- 
 ger to himself; while at the same moment a little boy 
 unrolled himself from the covering of a bed on the floor, 
 and crying " father ! father !" ran to the general, threw 
 his little arms about his neck, and kissed him, and fondled 
 
THE KETURN. 519 
 
 over him, like one whose love knew no bounds. And these 
 caresses the father 'returned wjth great paternal tender- 
 ness ; but he was too much dejected in spirit to offer the 
 child those merry tokens of his attachment which had so 
 often amused him in days gone-by. 
 
 " Though I have conquered kitigdoms enough, Polly," 
 said the general, his eyes moistening with tears, "I am 
 none the better for them now. In truth, I have nothing but 
 the clothes I stand in ; and having resolved that it was 
 best to be an honest man, I was glad enough to get safe- 
 ly home, and wash my hands of these kingdoms, which 1 
 have left behind for them who have a turn for such 
 things." 
 
 " Indeed, husband, I will think no more of these riches 
 you promised me, if you will stay quietly at home, assist 
 me in getting an honest livelihood, and give your thoughts 
 to God and the church. But how comes it that you are 
 in the hat of a priest 1" 
 
 The forlorn general picked up the hat, and having eyed 
 it distrustfully, said in reply : " You must know, dear 
 Polly, that though I gained some fame as a politician ; 
 that my valor as a military man no man ever dared 
 doubt ; and that no really great man ever had more un- 
 dertakings ; this hat is the only trophy left to me. And 
 though my melancholy put a quick end to the rest of my 
 days, I am resolved to preserve this relic of my lost 
 kingdom, so that when my enemies scoff and say, ' all the 
 wonderful things that were written of him had no truth 
 in them, except only as they appeared on paper, I can, 
 pointing to this hat, say : ' here's the ducat !' " 
 
 " You are dearer to me than several kingdoms would 
 be, dear Eoger," resumed the honest woman, kissing him 
 affectionately. 
 
 " And now, Polly," he rejoined, " give me an account 
 
520 ADVENTUKES OF MAJOR POTTER. , 
 
 af your trials and struggles during my absence, for I see 
 care has written the history of many of them in yoni 
 face." 
 
 The good -woman immediately drew her chair beside 
 him, and commenced giving an account of the many 
 troubles and trials she had undergone ; but so numerous 
 were they, that it would be impossible to recount them all 
 here. The little pictures which gave such a martial air 
 to his home had been sold to get bread ; death had kindly 
 stepped in and relieved the mother of one daughter ; the 
 other was out at service. In short the forlornness pervad- 
 ing each object that met his eye, told how hard had been 
 the struggle for bread. As she continued recounting her 
 trials his grief deepened ; but when she came to the death 
 that had carried away his favorite child, his head dropped, 
 and burying his face in his hands, he gave vent to his 
 feelings in sobs and tears. '' H«aven give me strength," 
 be sighed, " that I may retain her sweet face in my mem- 
 ory." This was indeed a misfortune that seemed to shut 
 the past from his thoughts, and to increase his sufferings 
 as the future appeared to him in all its loneliness. And 
 when he had partially recovered from this shock of grief, 
 the good woman brought him food, for he was hungry ; 
 and also procured him a change of raiment from one of 
 the neighbors, there not being a shred of his own in the 
 house. And when he had satisfied his appetite, he turned 
 to his wife, sayiijg : " As these misfortunes which have 
 overtaken me are incident to the lives of all great men, 
 I hold it good policy that we mourn them not too long, 
 but set to loving one another, that we may be cured of 
 the sins of this world when death calls us away." 
 
 Polly at once fell in with this opinion ; but being a sen- 
 sible woman, was careful to add a clause stipulating that 
 Roger give up politics and return to the making of shoes. 
 
THE RETURN. 521 
 
 at which employment there was some chance of getting 
 food to maintain the bodj', without which there was no 
 knowing what would become of the soul. His sword 
 being in the possession of the priest, there was no imme- 
 diate danger of a return of his military ardor. As for 
 governing, he made up his mind that the most worthy 
 man in that line was the shepherd who provided well for 
 the lambs of his own flock. " For truly," said he, " I 
 have gained the applause of millions ; but it has not sav- 
 ed my family from want." And with these salutary reso- 
 lutions, he sought and obtained employment in the town ; 
 where he lives much respected by his neighbors, who, I 
 must add, were not a little disappointed that he returned 
 so unexpectedly and shabbily, for they had read in the 
 newspapers that he was a great ruler, which, however, 
 was strange enough, for they knew in their own minds 
 that he was dull of intellect, and in truth had a disorder- 
 ed brain. 
 
 Many years after his return he went about seemingly 
 much dejected. Indeed, he would avoid even his best 
 friends, and go straight into a melancholy mood if in a 
 merry moment any one ever touched upon his past career, 
 though I ought to mention that he rarely appeared in the 
 street without being saluted by little Barnstable, who 
 would gather about him, and persist in offering him that 
 species of homage it was accustomed to pay him in years 
 gone by. But even this failed to excite the slightest love 
 of adventure in his bosom ; and the star of his glory sank 
 to rise no more. 
 
 And now, the stream of my compassion having run 
 out, I have felt myself at liberty to desert many of the 
 characters who figured so conspicuously in the early part 
 of this history ; and, indeed, to leave them in that state of 
 glorious uncertainty for which critics have a perfect mad- 
 
522 ADVENTURES OF MAJOR POTTER. 
 
 ness, since it furnishes their bountiful pens with means to 
 show the greatness of their wisdom. But if any of these 
 good natured gentlemen critics call me such names, as : 
 " simpleton," " a fool and don't know it," " an idiot making 
 an ass of himself," which exquisite expressions I have se- 
 lected from the sayings of critics at this day, I would 
 have them beware, since if I am old, my heart is none the 
 less given to mischief, and I have a rare knack for crack- 
 ing the pates of those who say aught disrespectful of my 
 books. 
 
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