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 3 1924 030 121 366 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
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 tile Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924030121366 
 
-iitiiri-j-iiii 
 
 ASSES 
 
 OR 
 
 The Beauties of 
 Transportation 
 
 BY ' 
 
 AUGUSTE FAURE 
 
 ;i\ief Clerk to the President of the.||iltimore and Ohio Railroad Co. 
 
Passes 
 
AUGUSTE FAURE 
 
Passes 
 
 or 
 
 The Beauties of 
 
 Transportation 
 
 BY 
 
 AUGUSTE FAURE 
 
 1900 
 
 Cge Boti (^Allmoti (pttee 
 
 THE FRIEDENWALD COMPANY 
 
 BALTIMORE, MO., U.S.A. 
 
COPYRIGHT, 19P0 
 
 BY 
 AUGUSTE FAURE 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PREFACE . . . 
 
 PAGE 
 
 a 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 A Nice Thing 
 
 q 
 
 II. 
 
 Travel, the Best Educator 
 
 14 
 
 " III. 
 
 Rates and Fares 
 
 18 
 
 IV. 
 
 Prince, Pauper and Private Car 
 
 33 
 
 V. 
 
 Congress, the Old Guard 
 
 81 
 
 VI. 
 
 Johnny, Get Touk Gun 
 
 41 
 
 " VII. 
 
 Who Pats for Deadheads ? 
 
 49 
 
 " VIII. 
 
 Who Pats for Running the 
 
 
 
 
 56 
 
 IX. 
 
 Wanted : Minimum Rate 
 
 66 
 
 X. 
 
 Transportation and Postage 
 
 
 
 Stamps 
 
 75 
 
 XI. 
 
 Chkomos and Free Lunches.... 
 
 84 
 
 " XII. 
 
 Keep off the Grass 
 
 90 
 
 " XIII. 
 
 The Crime op the Age 
 
 95 
 
 " XIV. 
 
 Legalize the Passes 
 
 105 
 
 XV. 
 
 Government Control 
 
 113 
 
 " XVI. 
 
 A Mother's Plea 
 
 119 
 
 " XVII. 
 
 Skeleton in the Closet 
 
 135 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 During an intercourse of twenty 
 years with pass-solicitors, I have 
 had occasion to gaze on many 
 sides of human nature. 
 
 Being of an analytical turn of 
 mind, I could not help forming 
 opinions of my own, on what I 
 saw and what I heard. 
 
 These opinions gradually ripened 
 into arguments, and they, in turn, 
 almost imperceptibly shaped them- 
 selves into chapters. 
 
 Before undertaking to prepare 
 this book for publication, I con- 
 sulted a gentleman whose patriot- 
 ism was above par, and in whose 
 wisdom I had implicit confidence. 
 
 He said it was a capital idea; 
 
6 PREFACE. 
 
 that the pass-privilege was greatly- 
 abused, and ought to be curtailed. 
 But he warned me against the 
 danger of mentioning names in 
 connection with passes, or of 
 making any allusions by which 
 those who use them could recog- 
 nize themselves, for fear they 
 might be offended by it. In fact, 
 he seemed to think I ought to 
 write a book on passes, with the 
 word "passes" left out. 
 
 I learned subsequently that he 
 rode on a pass himself, and so did 
 every member of his family. 
 
 I then thought the best way to 
 feel the public pulse would be to 
 deliver a lecture on the subject, 
 and I prepared myself accordingly. 
 
 But as the day of trial drew 
 near, I became a trifle nervous 
 
PREFACE. 7 
 
 about the result. I sought the 
 society of a few trusted friends, 
 in the hope that they would instill 
 into me some confidence, courage 
 and cheerfulness. They did the 
 best they could. 
 
 One said he was afraid I would 
 get "stuck." Another felt quite 
 sure I would break down com- 
 pletely. A third said he would not 
 be astonished if the price of eggs 
 went up the day of the lecture; 
 and a fourth had serious appre- 
 hensions that my delivery would 
 stop all the railroads in the country. 
 
 The lecture came off in due time. 
 I had confided to my friends that, 
 as the subject was rather dry in 
 itself, I would vary the monotony 
 by saying something funny, now 
 and then. 
 
8 PEEFACE. 
 
 They promised to watch for it. 
 They did. Unfortunately, their 
 ideas of fun did not quite tally 
 with mine, and they invariably 
 laughed in the midst of my most 
 pathetic periods. 
 
 However, none of their dire pre- 
 dictions came true ; and the next 
 morning, I had the satisfaction 
 to see, by the papers, that the 
 trains were still running — on time 
 — as usual. 
 
 Being at last reasonably con- 
 vinced that this little book of mine 
 contains nothing subversive of 
 good order and good government, 
 I let it go forth, only bespeaking 
 for it the kind indulgence of the 
 American public. 
 
 A. F. 
 
CHAPTER I. 
 
 A Nice Thing. 
 
 It is a nice thing to have a rail- 
 road pass in the family. It comes 
 very handy, at times. 
 
 I hope, dear reader, you have 
 at least one or two. If you have, 
 I congratulate you. If you have 
 not, I sympathize with you, and 
 trust you may get one soon. 
 
 Everybody who tries does not 
 always succeed in getting a pass. 
 Some do ; many don't. I believe 
 I voice the sentiments of those 
 who don''t, when I say that the 
 system in vogue at present, for 
 
10 PASSES. 
 
 distributing passes, is all wrong. 
 It should be corrected at once, so 
 as to include everybody. Why 
 not? Are we not all capable of 
 appreciating a little favor like 
 that? Of course we are. We all 
 entertain a friendly feeling in our 
 hearts for that magic bit of paper 
 called a "pass." Whenever we get 
 one, it is always welcome ; indeed, 
 in many cases it is pretty sure to 
 fill a long-felt want. 
 
 A railroad pass is a fine inven- 
 tion, a great invention. It enables 
 one to put on airs — cheap — over 
 the plain people who pay their 
 fare. It gratifies, at the same 
 time, that natural desire, born in 
 the human soul, to travel, to see 
 the world, at any cost, and speci- 
 ally without cost. 
 
A NICE THING. 11 
 
 I have been engaged, for many 
 years, in the occupation of refus- 
 ing passes to those who needed 
 them most, and granting them 
 to those who needed them least. 
 That was not my fault. It was 
 the fault of the system under 
 which American railroads have 
 been managed up to the present 
 time. 
 
 I am aware that, in wishing 
 everybody a pass, I am in danger 
 of being misunderstood. Some 
 may say I am courting the masses. 
 But if I give expression to the 
 opposite sentiment, others may 
 say I am currying favor with the 
 classes. 
 
 It is difficult to please every- 
 body. 
 
12 PASSES. 
 
 For a long time past, railroad 
 managers have been complaining 
 of low rates, yet they keep on 
 giving free transportation right 
 and left, to people who are abund- 
 antly able to pay their fare. 
 
 The millions of paying passen- 
 gers, who travel on American 
 railroads, complain of discrimina- 
 tion, yet they continue to pay 
 their fare, right along, without a 
 protest. 
 
 The majority of American rail- 
 roads have gone through the 
 straits of bankruptcy, during the 
 last ten years. What has hap- 
 pened before may happen again. 
 
 A candid presentation of both 
 sides of the question may prove 
 interesting. Possibly, it may do 
 some good. At least, I hope so. 
 
A NICE THING. 13 
 
 The object is worth the effort. 
 The people and the railroads may 
 yet come to a satisfactory under- 
 standing, 
 
 " II n'y a que le premier pas qui coute." 
 
14 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Teavel, the Best Edtjcatoe. 
 
 Most people like to take a little trip 
 now and then. I don't speak of 
 those who are compelled to travel 
 for a living, but of those who travel 
 chiefly for pleasure. Some of them 
 would go oftener, undoubtedly, if 
 they had passes ; and I know others 
 who, for the same consideration, 
 could easily arrange their affairs so 
 as to make it perfectly convenient 
 to be on the road most of the time. 
 That is very natural. They want 
 to see, they want to learn; and 
 travel is the best educator, after 
 all. Modern civilization has no 
 more powerful agent than travel. 
 
TRAVEL, THE BEST EDUCATOR. 15 
 
 The world is an open book. He 
 who travels can read it for him- 
 self. He who stays at home must 
 be satisfied with what others choose 
 to tell him ; and we know what un- 
 reliable story-tellers some travelers 
 are. Americans do not need to be 
 posted on that subject. They want 
 to read the book for themselves and 
 
 not by proxy. 
 
 * * 
 
 Americans are the greatest peo- 
 ple on earth, anyway. Everybody 
 knows that; they even admit it 
 themselves, in spite of their great 
 native modesty. And if any one 
 doubts it and wants to be enlight- 
 ened on the subject, all he has to 
 do is to knock the chip from their 
 shoulder ; he will find it out quick 
 enough. 
 
16 PASSES. 
 
 One of the chief reasons for the 
 superiority of Americans over other 
 people is that they travel more than 
 other people. In the old world, 
 people do not travel much, although 
 they may think they do. The 
 boundaries of their own states are 
 so narrow, that, in many cases, if 
 they start out in the morning, they 
 are sure to run up against custom- 
 house officers before noon, and to 
 have to contend with unknown dia- 
 lects, strange habits and all sorts 
 of petty official annoyances, well 
 calculated to discourage the most 
 ardent tourist. 
 
 But here, in America, it is dif- 
 ferent. Here, everybody can travel; 
 and, in point of fact, everybody does 
 travel, more or less. Here, a mere 
 child, a timid young girl, can start 
 
TKAVEL, THE BEST EDUCATOR. 17 
 
 out alone and travel for thousands 
 and thousands of miles, with abso- 
 lute security, with perfect comfort 
 and even luxury, without changing 
 cars, without having to stray away 
 from under the protecting folds of 
 the Stars and Stripes, and without 
 even missing the familiar sights 
 of every-day home life. A bright 
 young lady from Milwaukee, of 
 whom I inquired how she had en- 
 joyed a trip to the Pacific coast, 
 from which she had just returned, 
 replied : " It was perfectly lovely. 
 Wherever we went, we saw the ad- 
 vertisements of Milwaukee beer." 
 
18 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER III. 
 
 Kates and Fares. 
 
 Of course, it costs money to travel, 
 unless you are lucky enough to 
 hare a pass and. dodge your hotel 
 bill. Nevertheless, it will be read- 
 ily admitted that railroad rates 
 and fares are not nearly so high 
 now as they were in the early 
 days of railroading — nothing like 
 it. They have been coming down 
 almost constantly, and they have 
 now reached a point where they 
 cannot go down much lower, with- 
 out vanishing entirely. 
 
 * * 
 Railroads started out to do busi- 
 ness for money; then they did 
 
RATES AND FARES. 19 
 
 it for glory, and now they pay 
 out millions of dollars every year 
 for the privilege of doing it. That 
 sounds strange, but it is true just 
 the same. 
 
 
 People can travel from Boston 
 to San Francisco to-day, for less 
 money than it cost thirty years 
 ago to go from New York to St. 
 Louis. Besides, the trains run 
 much faster, and the accommoda- 
 tions are infinitely better. No one 
 thinks it necessary to make his 
 will, any more, before starting out 
 on a five hundred, or a thousand- 
 mile journey. 
 
 * * 
 
 It cannot be denied that railroad 
 managers are still in the unfortu- 
 nate habit of charging full rates 
 
20 PASSES. 
 
 to the majority of travelers; but 
 common fairness compels us, at 
 the same time, to recognize the 
 fact that they already carry a 
 good many for half rates, and a 
 good many more for nothing at 
 all. Perhaps some day they will 
 carry everybody for the same 
 price. At least, let us hope so. 
 * * 
 In spite of the equality of which 
 we like to boast so much in this 
 country, it is none the less a fact 
 that the American people are 
 divided into two classes : those who 
 pay their fare, and those who ride 
 free. And the latter invariably 
 receive more consideration than 
 the former. The conductor would 
 not dare to slight them, for one 
 thing, for fear they might be 
 
RATES AND FARES. 21 
 
 friends of the General Manager; 
 and they would not tolerate it, for 
 another, for, if he should try it, 
 they would promptly give him to 
 understand that they are more or 
 less closely related to the Presi- 
 dent, and that, if they chose to 
 report him, they could make him 
 lose his place inside of twenty- 
 four hours. 
 
 These two classes are in turn sub- 
 divided into several other classes, 
 each with its own attributes, 
 charges or privileges, as the case 
 may be. For instance, among the 
 paying class, we find the man who 
 pays full rates, the one who pays 
 half rates, and the one who pays 
 nominal rates only. 
 
 On the free list, we find a long 
 
22 PASSES. 
 
 assortment of passes, which may- 
 be reduced to three general styles, 
 namely : the trip pass, the time 
 pass, and the annual pass. These 
 three general styles of passes can 
 again be subdivided into as many- 
 shades and varieties as there may 
 be shades and degrees of influence 
 required to procure each and every 
 one of them. The fact is, the rules 
 governing the issue of passes are 
 so elastic and adjustable, that they 
 can be made to fit every case sep- 
 arately and absolutely, whatever 
 may be said to the contrary not- 
 withstanding. 
 
PEINCE, PAUPER, PRIVATE CAR. 23 
 
 CHAPTER lY. 
 
 Prince, Pauper and Private Car. 
 
 Passes go by favor, like kissing. 
 Both, however, can stand a good 
 deal of coaxing, sometimes, before 
 they come our way. In the matter 
 of passes, coaxing alone is hardly 
 sufficient. As a distinguished ward 
 statesman once remarked to me, 
 "Coaxing is all right, but a little 
 inflooence goes a great deal fur- 
 ther." In fact, one must have 
 influence if he would have passes. 
 Whether assumed, acquired, bor- 
 rowed or stolen, influence is 
 absolutely necessary. It is the 
 principal consideration in the deal. 
 No influence, no passes. Many 
 
24 PASSES. 
 
 have passes this year who had 
 none last year— influence. Many 
 had passes last year who have 
 none this year— influence gone. 
 Many never had any passes and 
 never will have any — lack of influ- 
 ence. 
 
 From the man who has a pass 
 for a private car, down to the one 
 who can only get a half -rate ticket 
 on an emigrant train, it is always 
 a question of influence. 
 
 If influence is necessary to pro- 
 cure passes, it is none the less so to 
 retain them after you have once 
 got them. The many thousands 
 who ride on passes to-day through- 
 out America are absolutely depend- 
 ent, for the renewal or extension 
 of those passes, on the amount of 
 
PRINCE, PAUPER, PRIVATE CAR. 25 
 
 influence which they can bring to 
 bear, directly or indirectly, upon 
 the respective presidents of the 
 
 roads, or the officers of their staff. 
 
 * 
 
 In fact, it is not even necessary 
 to be an officer on the staff of a 
 railroad president, in order to have 
 a retinue of worshipers after 
 passes; because every employe in 
 his office, from the janitor up, is 
 sure to have a little shrine and a 
 little court of his own. 
 
 In that respect, pass solicitors 
 resemble very much another class 
 of solicitors, of ancient times and 
 other climes, who were also depend- 
 ent for their privileges upon the 
 favor of the King and the intrigues 
 of his court. Indeed, the resem- 
 blance does not stop there, because 
 
26 PASSES. 
 
 the free-pass system is fast intro- 
 ducing, into American society, a 
 series of social distinctions, not at 
 all unlike those obtaining under 
 the old regime. 
 
 Let us cast a rapid glance at 
 them. 
 
 Take, for instance, the man who 
 always pays his fare, who never 
 receives any favors, and never asks 
 for any. That man represents, cer- 
 tainly, the large majority of the 
 five or six hundred million pas- 
 sengers who travel annually on 
 American railroads. He knows 
 very well he is simply expected to 
 pay, take whatever treatment is 
 given him, and say nothing. That 
 is his business, and it is astonish- 
 ing how well he attends to it. 
 
PRINCE, PAUPER, PRIVATE CAR. 27 
 
 Now, follow up the whole length 
 of the chain, if you like, link by 
 link, and step by step, through the 
 many different kinds of reduced- 
 rate tickets, throughout the laby- 
 rinth of trip passes, quarterly 
 passes, time passes, annual passes, 
 until you come up to the top — to the 
 man who has a pass good for him- 
 self, a party of his friends, and a 
 private car, stocked with the best 
 provisions the market affords, and 
 tended by a suite of valets, cooks 
 and flunkeys. 
 
 * * 
 
 Look on that picture ; then turn 
 back and take a look at the other 
 one. Begin again at the bottom of 
 the ladder and follow up the social 
 distinctions between the men of 
 toil, the peasant, the serf, the yeo- 
 
28 PASSES. 
 
 man, the squire, the page, the 
 knight; pass then to the lord, the 
 baron and baronet, the count, the 
 viscount, and so on through the 
 whole hierarchy, until you come to 
 the marquis, the duke, the prince. 
 Then, dear reader, see for yourself 
 how much difference you can find 
 between the aristocracy of ancient 
 times and the aristocracy of the 
 free pass and private car of to-day. 
 If there is any real difference, it 
 is that no prince ever traveled in 
 such royal style as your plain 
 American citizen, who has enough 
 inflooence with the railroads to 
 compel them to extend to him the 
 courtesy of a private car. He 
 knows he can travel over one hun- 
 dred and eighty-six thousand miles 
 of first-class road, and back again, 
 
PRINCE, PAUPER, PRIVATE CAR. 29 
 
 if he likes. He knows that thirty- 
 six thousand locomotives stand 
 ready to haul that car, at a 
 moment's notice, when their turn 
 comes. He knows that nearly a 
 million trained railroad men are 
 on the qui vive, ready, night and 
 day, to watch, with the greatest 
 care, over the movements of that 
 precious car and the comfort of its 
 distinguished occupant. 
 
 Kings and emperors are not in it 
 with him. They are always afraid 
 of anarchists, nihilists, and the 
 like. That is the least of his 
 troubles. Just give him a private 
 car, with the trimmings, and you 
 could not stop him with anything 
 short of an earthquake. 
 
 The only difference, of any 
 account, between the old regime 
 
30 PASSES. 
 
 and the new is that, in olden 
 times, it took several generations 
 to raise a full-fledged aristocracy, 
 whereas this glorious country- 
 raises a fresh crop with every new 
 election. 
 
CONGRESS, THE OLD GUAED. 31 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Congress, the Old Guard. 
 
 It cannot be denied that the vast 
 army of dead-heads, on American 
 railroads, is recruited chiefly from 
 the ranks of the politicians; and 
 it is equally true that the old 
 guard of that army is to be found 
 right in the Congress of the 
 United States. 
 
 * * 
 A man wanted to run for Con- 
 gress. His friends laughed at 
 him and said : " What would you 
 do to distinguish yourself in Con- 
 gress, if you should ever get there V 
 He said : " I would move that all 
 Congressmen surrender their rail- 
 
32 PASSES. 
 
 road passes, and I would keep on 
 making that motion until they 
 did surrender them, or until my 
 
 term expired." 
 
 * 
 
 Evidently, that man was just 
 a trifle unreasonable. He should 
 have been satisfied with simply 
 requiring every Congressman to 
 procure a pass, similar to his own, 
 for every one of his constituents. 
 That would be fair, it would be 
 more democratic, and he would 
 make many more friends that 
 way than the other way. Besides, 
 it would be so nice for a member 
 of Congress to have his constit- 
 uents come to Washington to pay 
 him a visit, from time to time, 
 (which they could do very well, 
 if they had passes). They could 
 
CONGEESS, THE OLD GUAED. 33 
 
 come in groups, or they could come 
 all together, or they could come 
 one or two at a time, so as to 
 bring him fresh news from home 
 almost every day. They could 
 hear him make fine speeches in 
 Congress, and he, in turn, could 
 get them all government positions. 
 Would not that be nice? If, per- 
 chance, some of them failed to 
 get the particular position they 
 wanted, or to get any position at 
 all, they could, at least, with their 
 passes, ride back home without 
 having to count the ties. 
 * * 
 It is clear that if a pass is a 
 good thing for a Congressman, it 
 should be just as good for his 
 constituents. Of course, if a pass 
 is a bad thing in itself, it should 
 
34 PASSES. 
 
 not be given to either, at least not 
 to members of Congress, because 
 they are not in need of anything 
 
 bad. 
 
 * * 
 
 I once had a long discussion 
 with a Congressman who wanted 
 me to get him some passes. I 
 said to him: "Don't you know 
 that it is against the law of the 
 land to give passes?" That did 
 not seem to worry him much, and 
 I added : " Not only is it against 
 the law of the land, but, in my 
 humble opinion, to give passes to 
 members of Congress is against 
 the law of God." 
 
 He said : " Oh ! well, you know, 
 God has nothing to do with Con- 
 gress, anyway." 
 
 "But," said I, "giving a pass to 
 
CONGRESS, THE OLD GUARD. 35 
 
 a Congressman, and none to his 
 constituents, is a clear case of dis- 
 crimination ; and if there is one 
 thing more galling than an- 
 other, to the average mortal, it is 
 to be discriminated against. As 
 we look through history, we find 
 that unjust discrimination has al- 
 ways been the primary cause of 
 all great revolutions." 
 
 He said : " I guess you are right 
 about that; but let me tell you 
 that members of Congress are 
 themselves the very first victims 
 of discrimination at the hands of 
 the railroads. If ever there was a 
 set of men discriminated against, 
 in the matter of passes, it is cer- 
 tainly the members of the House 
 and of the Senate; and if they 
 should start a first-class revolu- 
 
36 PASSES. 
 
 tion one of these days, I would 
 not be surprised at all." He said: 
 " I know it for a fact, that no 
 two of them are treated exactly 
 alike in regard to passes. One is 
 given a pass good for himself, 
 his wife and his whole family, 
 while another is given a pass 
 good for himself alone, as if he 
 was not expected to have any 
 wife or any family. 
 
 "One receives more annual passes 
 than he can ever expect to make 
 use of. Another does not begin 
 to get the half of those he asks 
 for, and he is actually compelled 
 to humiliate himself, before the 
 pass clerk, by asking for an occa- 
 sional trip pass, like any ordinary 
 beggar." 
 Then he proceeded to relate to 
 
CONGRESS, THE OLD GUARD. 37 
 
 me what he claimed had been 
 his own individual experience. He 
 said : " I wrote a letter to the pres- 
 ident of a big railroad, asking him 
 to send me a trip pass for myself 
 and my wife. And some clerk in 
 his office had the cheek to answer 
 me that, under the rules of his 
 company, they could not issue 
 passes to ladies. But this young 
 man condescended to add that 
 they would be very glad to give 
 me one for myself alone. 
 
 " Well," said he, " what could I 
 do ? I took the pass for myself, 
 and then I went and bought a 
 ticket for my wife. And when we 
 got on the train, I met a brother 
 Congressman who pulled out a 
 pass good for himself, his wife, 
 his two daughters and a servant. 
 
38 PASSES. 
 
 Oh! I was mad enough myself, 
 but that was nothing compared 
 to my wife. She said she only 
 wished that president was on the 
 train, so that she could give him 
 a piece of her mind." 
 
 "Well," said I, "what did you 
 do?" 
 
 "Oh," he said, "I got even with 
 him ! " 
 
 "How?" 
 
 "When I reached home, I sat 
 down and I wrote a long letter to 
 a mutual friend, giving him all 
 the particulars of the case, and I 
 know that he sent my letter to 
 the president of the railroad, so 
 that the latter knows exactly what 
 I think of him." 
 
 " Well," said I, " you remind me 
 of that nice young man, who went 
 
CONGRESS, THE OLD GUARD. 39 
 
 to pay a visit to his best girl, and 
 found her enjoying the society 
 of another nice young man. He 
 was very mad. He left the house, 
 furious. He met a mutual friend 
 on the street, and told him his 
 trouble. The friend said: 'What 
 did you do ? ' He said : ' I showed 
 them by the way I shut the door 
 that I didn't like it.' " 
 
 
 In the course of a conversation 
 with a prominent railroad man 
 from the west, he informed me 
 that three-fourths of the corres- 
 pondence in his office was about 
 passes. And he made the remark 
 then that it would be a good thing 
 if all the letters written by mem- 
 bers of Congress, and public men 
 generally, about passes, could be 
 
40 PASSES. 
 
 collected in book-form and pub- 
 lished to the world. He thought 
 they would make mighty interest- 
 ing reading for the American 
 people. 
 
 I, being a timid man by nature, 
 was horrified at his proposition. 
 I said : " But, my dear sir, if you 
 were to publish the letters of those 
 gentlemen, you might make them 
 blush like little girls." 
 
 He answered: "If they did not 
 blush, I believe the whole country 
 would blush for them." 
 
JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN. 41 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Johnny, Get Your Gun. 
 
 Why do railroads give passes to 
 politicians, anyway? During the 
 many years of my experience, in 
 the pass business, I have never 
 been able to discover one single 
 good reason for it, except that 
 when a man is elected to Congress, 
 or to the State Legislature, or to 
 the City Council, or to any other 
 important public office, railroad 
 presidents and managers instinc- 
 tively scent danger in the air, all 
 at once. They are actually afraid. 
 It is not their fault. They can't 
 help it. Self -protect] on is the first 
 law of nature ; they simply obey it. 
 
42 PASSES. 
 
 They try to get themselves in posi- 
 tion to ward off any blows that 
 may come to them through the 
 new men in power. They are anx- 
 ious to get on the right side of the 
 new political aristocracy. They 
 want to conciliate them, disarm 
 them in advance, make friends of 
 them, put them under obligation ; 
 and, with that object in view, they 
 promptly send for their special 
 agent, and they say to him : 
 " Johnny, get your gun, get your 
 gun." 
 
 They shoot off a pass to each 
 new honorable gentleman. They 
 enclose it to him in a nice little 
 letter, in which they hope he may 
 find it convenient and agreeable to 
 sometimes make use of it. And of 
 
JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN. 43 
 
 course he does — no trouble about 
 that. In fact, if the railroads 
 should be a little slow in sending 
 it to him, he is not at all backward 
 in asking for it himself. 
 
 * * 
 
 Electing a man to office does not, 
 necessarily, give him all the privi- 
 leges in the world ; no, but it gives 
 him a few. That is enough. He 
 takes the others. 
 
 * * 
 
 When the railroads get a letter 
 from a man who has been recently 
 elected to a political office, they 
 know what is in it, they do not 
 need to open it. He wants a pass. 
 
 * 
 
 Sometimes a green politician will 
 beat around the bush, and pretend 
 to carry on a little flirtation with 
 
44 PASSES. 
 
 the railroads, before he comes 
 down to business, but that is only 
 because he is green. He would 
 like to convey the impression that 
 he is shy, and that his virtue is 
 easily scared. He would appre- 
 ciate being coaxed, and being led 
 gently into temptation, before he 
 condescends to fall. 
 
 But the majority go straight to 
 the point. They are fully prepared 
 to fall. They expect to fall. They 
 would be greatly disappointed if 
 they should be deprived of the op- 
 portunity of falling. They would 
 rather fall than not ; in fact, they 
 would rather fall a dozen times 
 than not fall at all. 
 
 If any one asks who is the most 
 to blame, the railroads for offer- 
 
JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN. 45 
 
 ing the passes, or the honorable 
 gentlemen for accepting them, I 
 think it is six of the one and half a 
 dozen of the other. 
 
 * * 
 
 Sometimes the railroad people 
 may want to make use of a certain 
 politician. They give him a pass 
 to propitiate him. Then they wink 
 one eye. They feel sure they have 
 placed that politician under great 
 obligation. He winks the other 
 eye, because he is equally certain 
 he is buncoing them out of so 
 much transportation. 
 
 * * 
 
 Again, sometimes a politician 
 may get a lot of passes from the 
 railroads, for some reason or other. 
 He goes away full of glee. He 
 laughs in his sleeve. In his vanity 
 
46 PASSES. 
 
 and conceit, he imagines they gave 
 them to him because they are 
 afraid of him, or on account of 
 his great importance. Then the 
 railroad people wink both eyes, 
 because they had been waiting for 
 just such an opportunity to buy 
 that man at his own price — and it 
 is not much of a price either. 
 * 
 
 The great trouble is that there is 
 always so much mystery surround- 
 ing the dealings between the politi- 
 cians and the railroads, that you 
 can never tell exactly which one is 
 being swindled the worst of the 
 two. My own experience is that 
 the railroads manage to get the 
 worst of it about three-fourths of 
 the time, at least. 
 
JOHNNY, GET YOUR GUN. 47 
 
 When they give a pass to a poor 
 man or a poor woman, they do an 
 act of charity, they expect nothing 
 for it; that ends it. 
 
 When they give a pass to a 
 minister of the gospel, or a member 
 of some rehgious congregation, 
 they expect to get their reward 
 in heaven ; and I hope they will. 
 That is in the sweet by-and-by ; 
 they can afford to wait. 
 
 * 
 
 When they give a pass to a busi- 
 ness man, a merchant, a shipper or 
 a manufacturer, it is because they 
 hope thereby to get some of his 
 business over the road ; and they 
 usually get it, at least a share 
 of it. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
48 PASSES. 
 
 When they give a pass to a 
 newspaper man, it is because they 
 expect to get a little advertising in 
 return, perhaps a flattering per- 
 sonal notice ; and they never have 
 
 to wait long for that either. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 But, when they give a pass to a 
 politician, they simply invest in a 
 sinking fund, without any bottom 
 to it. The majority of politicians, 
 who ride on free passes, do not 
 contribute enough to the revenues 
 of the railroads to pay for the 
 wind that goes into the air-brakes. 
 If any politician thinks that rail- 
 roads can pay dividends by giv- 
 ing him free passes, it only shows 
 that his arithmetic is sadly out of 
 order. 
 
WHO PAYS FOR DEAD-HEADS ? 49 
 
 CHAPTER YII. 
 
 Who Pays foe Dead-heads? 
 
 If the railroads want to make 
 friends, why don't they pass all 
 the ladies free? I would rather 
 have the good-will of the ladies 
 than that of all the politicians in 
 the world. That would not only 
 please the ladies, and secure their 
 good-will, but it would vindicate 
 the reputation of Americans for 
 chivalry and courtesy to the fair 
 sex. As matters stand now, that 
 reputation is not well maintained 
 at all, because everybody knows 
 that it is much more difficult to 
 obtain a pass for a lady than for 
 a gentleman. 
 
 * * 
 
50 PASSES. 
 
 If the railroads want to make 
 friends with the coming genera- 
 tion, why don't they give passes 
 to brides and grooms starting out 
 on their wedding trips? It should 
 be an easy matter to issue mar- 
 riage certificates with mileage 
 coupons attached. That would 
 undoubtedly induce many young 
 men to get married, who are now 
 holding off, because of the expense 
 of a wedding trip. 
 * * 
 
 If the railroads want to culti- 
 vate popularity with the brawn 
 and muscle of the country, why 
 don't they give passes to all base- 
 ball rooters ? I am sure the rooters 
 would appreciate it; they would 
 root for the railroads, as they never 
 rooted before for their home team. 
 
WHO PAYS FOE DEAD-HEADS ? 51 
 
 If railroad managers want to 
 become popular with their stock- 
 holders, why don't they give each 
 of them a pass? That would be 
 considerably more than many of 
 them have been getting out of 
 their investment for some years 
 past. It has been more fashion- 
 able of late for stockholders to be 
 saddled with an assessment than 
 with a dividend. 
 * * 
 
 If railroad managers want to 
 show their patriotism, why don't 
 they pass the soldiers and the sail- 
 ors free, instead of the politicians? 
 The former do the fighting, the 
 latter only do the talking. 
 
 I only mention these few in- 
 stances to call attention to the 
 fact that the railroads could easily 
 
52 PASSES. 
 
 invest their passes with far better 
 prospects for a return, than by 
 throwing them away on the poli- 
 ticians. 
 
 A railroad pass is unquestion- 
 ably a very important factor in 
 the race for civilization. If Con- 
 gressmen have passes, and their 
 constituents have none, it is clear 
 that the constituents do not stand 
 a very good chance in that race. 
 They are too much handicapped ; 
 they are beaten before they start. 
 
 * * 
 
 Some people may say that rail- 
 roads have a perfect right to give 
 passes to whom they please, and 
 that it is nobody's business but 
 their own. 
 
 I am not so sure about that. 1 
 
WHO PAYS FOR DEAD-HEADS ? 53 
 
 know that, for m}^ part, I have 
 frequently hstened to speeches, 
 before election, when the speakers 
 tried their very best to make me 
 believe that "the people, sir, have 
 something to say about the man- 
 agement of the railroads." 
 
 Of course, that is before election, 
 if you like. After election, it is dif- 
 ferent. At least, it is well known 
 that while some of the more rad- 
 ical ones may still be quite ready 
 to throw stones at the railroads 
 with one hand, they are equally 
 ready to take passes from them 
 with the other. 
 
 * * 
 
 I have heard it said that, in 
 giving passes to politicians, the 
 railroads are doing no injustice to 
 any one, because it costs no more 
 
54 PASSES. 
 
 to haul a car with a few dead- 
 heads in it, than to haul it with 
 them left out. Oh! very well; if 
 it does not cost anything, why not 
 
 carry everybody dead-head? 
 
 * 
 
 * * 
 
 But of course it does cost some- 
 thing. It costs just as much to 
 carry a dead-head as to carry a 
 live one; and the only question is, 
 Who pays for it? 
 
 The railroads do not pay for 
 it. The railroads have no money 
 except what they derive from the 
 people. The paying passenger 
 pays for the dead-head. When a 
 man, who has paid full rates for 
 his ticket, sees a well-known poli- 
 tician pull out a pass good for 
 himself, his wife, his daughter, or 
 his sister, that man knows very 
 
WHO PAYS FOR DEAD-HEADS ? 55 
 
 well he has been taxed to help 
 give those people a free ride. No 
 one can blame him, if he should 
 not like it. He may be a sensi- 
 tive man (most people would be 
 under the circumstances), or he 
 may object to the drain on his 
 pocket-book, to say nothing of the 
 wear and tear to his feelings. If 
 every time he buys a ticket he 
 must help pay for some one else 
 besides himself, perhaps he would 
 like the privilege of selecting his 
 own company. 
 
56 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Who Pays foe Eunning the Trains? 
 
 Feom what precedes, some people 
 might think that I am prejudiced 
 against politicians in general, and 
 Congressmen in particular; but I 
 am not. On the contrary, no one is 
 more ready than myself to admit 
 that some of the greatest leaders of 
 men — orators, statesmen, soldiers 
 and patriots — have sprung from 
 the ranks of the politicians. 
 
 Everybody knows that the sci- 
 ence of real politics is the greatest 
 of all sciences, because, more than 
 any other, it tends to shape the 
 destinies of nations and their 
 governments. 
 
WHO PAYS FOR RUNNING TRAINS ? 57 
 
 Nor is it at all strange, or in 
 any way remarkable, that mem- 
 bers of Congress should ride on 
 free passes. The wonder is, rather, 
 that they don't all ride in private 
 cars. If they ride on passes, it 
 is not altogether their fault; they 
 are to some extent the victims of 
 circumstances. The trouble with 
 them is that, no matter how much 
 they may be victimized in that 
 direction, they are always ready 
 
 to be victimized some more. 
 
 * 
 
 But no one will deny that 
 the politicians, as a rule, are 
 all good fellows — generous, liberal, 
 kind-hearted — specially just before 
 election. They have never been 
 known to be particularly opposed 
 to anybody else having some of 
 
58 PASSES. 
 
 the good things of this world, if 
 there are any left after they are 
 served ; and if every one of their 
 constituents should manage to 
 ride free on the railroads, after 
 they have been well provided with 
 passes themselves, they would not 
 object. 
 
 The railroads might object, how- 
 ever. The railroads might say : 
 "If everybody rides free, who is 
 going to pay for running the 
 trains ? " Too bad ! Some people 
 never think of that. 
 * * 
 
 A young colored fellow wanted 
 me to give him a pass between 
 Baltimore and Washington — a time 
 pass, too. I asked him if he 
 knew of any good reason why 
 the railroad should give him a 
 
WHO PAYS FOR RUNNING TRAINS ? 59 
 
 pass. He said : " Well, boss, I am 
 courting a young colored lady, 
 down in Washington, an' it am 
 powerful 'spensive to go back and 
 forth all the time." 
 
 That coon never thought of the 
 expense of running the trains. 
 * * 
 
 A tramp asked me for a pass 
 to New York. He had so much 
 assurance that at first I took him 
 for a Congressman in disguise. 
 But, as he could not give a satis- 
 factory account of himself, of 
 course he did not get the pass. 
 He seemed to be very much put 
 out. He said that my refusal to 
 give him a pass upset all his 
 arrangements. Think of it! That 
 tramp had actually gone and 
 made arrangements, and then re- 
 
60 PASSES. 
 
 lied on the railroad to carry them 
 
 out, regardless of expense. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 One day I met a man with 
 whom I had a slight acquaint- 
 ance. He had just been elected 
 to the City Council by accident. 
 I proceeded to congratulate him, 
 but he did not give me time. His 
 first words were : " How soon am 
 I going to get my annual pass? 
 
 I want to use it right away." 
 
 * 
 
 A man came into my office one 
 day with a face a yard long, all 
 put on for the occasion. He said : 
 "I am mad; I am hot!" I said: 
 "What is the matter?" He said: 
 "A friend of mine went to my 
 house a few days ago, and asked 
 my boy for my pass. The boy 
 
WHO PAYS FOR RUNNING TRAINS ? 61 
 
 gave it to him, and now he has 
 gone and lost it ; and I want you 
 to give me another." His pass 
 was in my desk at that very mo- 
 ment. It had been taken up on 
 the train, five days before, for be- 
 ing presented by the wrong party. 
 He had loaned it to that party 
 himself, and the conductor said 
 in his report that it was not the 
 first time, either. 
 
 In the light of such facts as 
 these, it is not at all surprising 
 that some of the large railroads 
 of the country should have found 
 it absolutely necessary to require 
 the photographs of a certain class 
 of politicians to be affixed to 
 passes issued to them, for identi- 
 fication on presentation. 
 
 One of them said to me he was 
 
62 PASSES. 
 
 willing enough to give any other 
 evidence of his identity, but he 
 strenuously objected to the picto- 
 rial part of it. On being asked 
 his reason for it, he said it looked 
 too much like being placed in the 
 "rogue's gallery." 
 
 A pass beggar came very near 
 getting me into trouble on one 
 occasion. He had worried me 
 persistently for several days, and 
 I had as persistently turned him 
 down. Finally, he came in one 
 day when the office was full of 
 people, and the President himself 
 was in the room conversing with 
 a party of distinguished visitors. 
 
 "Won't you give me a pass 
 over the Baltimore and Ohio?" 
 said he. 
 
WHO PAYS FOR RUNNING TRAINS ? 63 
 
 "Why should I give you one?" 
 said I. 
 
 " Don't you have a pass yourself 
 over the B. & O.?" he went on. 
 
 I was somewhat staggered by 
 the fellow's impudence, but I an- 
 swered : " I am in the employ of 
 the B. & 0. R. R., and they give 
 me a pass because I have to travel 
 over the road sometimes on busi- 
 ness of the company." 
 
 "And what do you do when you 
 travel for pleasure?" he persisted. 
 
 I promptly drew myself up with 
 much dignity, and with a deep in- 
 ward assurance that this time, at 
 last, I was going to crush him 
 forever, I said : " Sir, I never travel 
 for pleasure on the B. & 0." 
 
 The President looked at me over 
 his spectacles, with great solem- 
 
64 PASSES. 
 
 nity. The visitors opened their 
 eyes, as if wondering what it all 
 meant. The clerks giggled. The 
 colored porter grinned. And I 
 looked foolish and felt myself 
 blush clear to the tips of my ears. 
 But I held my ground, and the 
 man went away disgusted. 
 
 "And he never came back any more." 
 * * 
 
 A public official was accosted 
 one day by one of his political 
 henchmen, who wanted to borrow 
 his pass. The official said: "Billy, 
 I am very sorry ; I would like 
 very much to oblige you, but 
 really I can't do it, because my 
 pass has my photograph on it. 
 Now, you and I don't look at all 
 alike. I am smooth-shaven, and 
 
WHO PAYS FOR RUNNING TRAINS ? 65 
 
 you wear a big, heavy mustache." 
 Billy answered : " Lend me the 
 pass, anyway; I will go and have 
 my mustache shaved off." 
 
66 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Wanted: Minimum Rate. 
 
 Of course, if the railroads object 
 to carrying everybody dead-head, 
 it is clear that some must pay if 
 others are to ride free. The only 
 question is. Who is going to pay ? 
 * * 
 
 As Congressmen have been rid- 
 ing f roe for so many years, I think 
 it is about time for them to pay 
 their fares and give their con- 
 stituents a chance. 
 
 For instance, they might turn 
 their passes over to their constitu- 
 ents altogether, provided the rail- 
 roads consented to the transaction, 
 of course. Or they might arrange 
 
WANTED : Mll^IMUM RATE. 67 
 
 to take turn and turn about. At 
 any rate, there would be no harm 
 in trying it, for a year or so, just 
 to see how it works. If it works 
 well, they could keep it up a few 
 years longer. 
 Fair exchange is no robbery. 
 
 But perhaps some Congressmen 
 would object to an exchange of 
 that kind. People soon get used 
 to a good thing. "When a man has 
 once ridden on a pass, he never 
 wants to pay his fare any more. 
 Perhaps they might be afraid that 
 their constituents would imper- 
 ceptibly develop such a strong 
 affection for free passes, that they 
 could not easily be induced to 
 part with them afterwards. They 
 know how it is themselves. 
 
68 PASSES. 
 
 A little reflection should, how- 
 ever, convince them that their 
 fears are groundless, because if the 
 constituents refused to surrender 
 their passes at the appointed time. 
 Congressmen have the power to 
 compel them to do so. It would 
 only be necessary for them to 
 open the Statute Book, turn to the 
 Interstate Commerce Act, and 
 point out to their constituents the 
 clause that says that it is unlaw- 
 ful to ride on free passes, unless 
 you are in the employ of the rail- 
 road. It is illegal, it is forbidden, 
 it is prohibited in the strongest 
 terms known in the English lan- 
 guage. 
 
 As the masses of the constitu- 
 ents are known to be good, law- 
 
WANTED: MINIMUM RATE. 69 
 
 abiding citizens, it is surmised that 
 they could not withstand such an 
 argument as that, unless they 
 should suddenly take it into their 
 heads to ask a few questions them- 
 selves. There is no telling. More 
 unseemly things than that have 
 happened. Everything is possible. 
 They might turn round and be- 
 come inquisitive all at once. They 
 might want information on the 
 following points, for instance : 
 
 " Who made that Interstate Law ? 
 
 "How long has it been in exist- 
 ence? If binding on one, why not 
 on the other? 
 
 "Are the constituents alone sub- 
 ject to it? 
 
 "Are Congressmen exempt from 
 it? 
 
 "By what right are the constitu- 
 
70 PASSES. 
 
 ents made to pay, when their rep- 
 resentatives ride free? 
 
 " Are Congressmen made of bet- 
 ter clay than their constituents? 
 
 " Are legislators like doctors, who 
 never take their own medicine? 
 
 " Did Congress enact that law for 
 the good of the whole people, or 
 for the special benefit of the poli- 
 ticians ? 
 
 " Is the fact of being a politician 
 a sufficient excuse for breaking 
 the law, or a sufficient recom- 
 mendation for obtaining passes?" 
 
 They might ask all those ques- 
 tions and a great many others 
 besides. 
 
 And it would do no good to try 
 to put them off with excuses. 
 
 Getting around the law by call- 
 
WANTED : MINIMUM RATE. 71 
 
 ing a politician a "special agent" 
 of the railroad, in order to give 
 him a pass, would not work in 
 this case, because the constituents 
 would want to know why they 
 could not all be called special 
 agents just as well. 
 
 If the constituents ever get 
 started on an investigation of 
 that kind, there is no telling how 
 far they will go, or where they 
 will stop. 
 
 The probabilities are they will 
 not be satisfied until they reach 
 the bottom. They will have their 
 rights, or know the reason why. 
 
 They will contend, with good 
 reason, that the law should be 
 the same for everybody; and if 
 they must pay, they will insist 
 
72 PASSES. 
 
 on paying no more than anybody 
 else. They will demand free trans- 
 portation for all, or a minimum 
 rate, the same for everybody and 
 low enough to be within the reach 
 of everybody, including members 
 of Congress — say, for instance, two 
 cents a mile. 
 
 I do not pretend that two cents 
 a mile would be a proper rate 
 under all conditions and circum- 
 stances. Perhaps it should be 
 more; perhaps it might be less. 
 I only mention it by way of illus- 
 tration. But, whatever it might 
 be, once that uniform minimum 
 rate is established, the people will 
 demand its enforcement for all 
 alike. Ah ! there is the rub ; that 
 is the most difficult part of it. 
 
WANTED: MINIMUM EATE. 73 
 
 American railroads have entered 
 into agreements, as numerous as 
 the stars in heaven, for the main- 
 tenance of rates, but they have 
 almost invariably broken them. 
 
 Railroad officers have been in 
 the habit of signing a rate agree- 
 ment very much as a toper signs 
 the pledge, that is, to break it 
 at the first opportunity. And the 
 cutting of rates has not all been 
 done by minor officials either, but 
 by bigger ones as well. 
 * * 
 
 A story is told of a local agent 
 on a certain railroad, who was 
 convicted of cutting passenger 
 rates. Under the rules of the 
 Passenger Association, in force at 
 the time, the penalty for the of- 
 fense was dismissal. They had to 
 
74 PASSES. 
 
 dismiss him. They dism.issed him 
 as local agent, and they immedi- 
 ately appointed him General Pas- 
 senger Agent of that same road; 
 and things went on as before, only 
 a great deal worse. It was not 
 long before he was brought up 
 again before the Association on 
 a similar charge. The chairman 
 said to him : " When you were 
 local agent, you were discharged 
 for cutting rates. Now that you 
 are General Passenger Agent, you 
 cut them worse than ever. How 
 do you account for it?" 
 
 He promptly replied : " Bigger 
 place ! " 
 
TEANSPORTATION AND STAMPS. 75 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Transportation and Postage Stamps. 
 
 It should not be an impossibility 
 to maintain just and uniform 
 rates on the railroads. 
 
 They do not seem to have any 
 difficulty in the postoffice to main- 
 tain uniform rates on postage 
 stamps. 
 
 Some people may say that the 
 situation is not the same, and that 
 there is no occasion for competi- 
 tion in the sale of postage stamps. 
 Let us see. 
 
 There are, in round numbers, in 
 the United States, eleven hundred 
 operating railroad companies en- 
 gaged in the sale of railroad 
 
76 PASSES. 
 
 tickets. There are seventy thou- 
 sand postoffices engaged in the 
 sale of postage stamps. Surely 
 there is a field for competition, if 
 ever there was one. 
 
 If any one of those seventy 
 thousand postmasters should ad- 
 vertise a bargain-counter sale of 
 two-cent stamps for a cent a- 
 piece, I would not be surprised if 
 some of the gold hunters, now in 
 the Klondike, should hurry back 
 to the States to get a chance at 
 
 that counter. 
 
 * * 
 
 It is not the lack of incentive 
 or opportunity that prevents post- 
 masters from cutting the price of 
 postage stamps ; it is because they 
 know very well it would not be 
 good for their health to do so. 
 
TEANSPORTATION AND STAMPS. 77 
 
 If the ticket-sellers and ticket- 
 punchers were placed under the 
 same rules and restrictions as the 
 stamp-sellers and stamp-cancellers, 
 it would be just as easy to main- 
 tain rates on the railroads as it is 
 to maintain them in the postoffice. 
 * * 
 
 As an illustration, let us sup- 
 pose that the regularly appointed 
 ticket agent is the only person 
 authorized to issue transportation 
 tickets of any and all kinds ; that 
 he is under oath and under bond 
 to the United States Government, 
 and that the penalty for selling 
 tickets at other than regular rates 
 is summary dismissal, forfeiture 
 of his bond, and perhaps a term 
 in jail. 
 
 Let us suppose, further, that the 
 
78 PASSES. 
 
 passenger conductor is also under 
 oath and under bond to the United 
 States Government, and that the 
 penalty for passing any one on 
 his train, who is not provided with 
 the regular ticket, is instant dis- 
 missal, forfeiture of his bond, and 
 a term in the penitentiary; and I 
 venture to predict that railroad 
 presidents would be surprised to 
 see how easy it would be to main- 
 tain passenger rates on their re- 
 spective roads. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 People could then travel over 
 any railroad and to any point in 
 the United States, for two cents a 
 mile, if that were the established 
 rate, just as a letter is now car- 
 ried to any point in the country 
 for two cents an ounce. 
 
TRANSPORTATION AND STAMPS. 79 
 
 No one would waste his valua- 
 ble time running after rebates or 
 free passes, any more than they 
 waste time now running after 
 rebates on postage stamps. 
 
 Some people lose enough time 
 now, running after passes, to 
 walk to their destination and back 
 again, and they are usually the 
 
 ones who never get any passes. 
 
 * 
 
 If any one should go to a post- 
 master and ask him for the free 
 gift of a few hundred dollars' 
 worth of postage stamps, the post- 
 master would wonder if that man 
 took him for an idiot, and he 
 would promptly order him out, or 
 call in a policeman. And yet many 
 men, who are both highly intelli- 
 gent and respectable, think noth- 
 
80 PASSES. 
 
 ing of asking the railroads for 
 free passes, representing many 
 thousands of dollars in the aggre- 
 gate, during the course of a year. 
 
 The business man who writes 
 a large number of letters every 
 day, and pays two cents apiece to 
 send them off, would feel pretty 
 bad if he had reason to suspect 
 that his competitor in business 
 gets his letters carried for noth- 
 ing by the Government. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 The sale of transportation should 
 be regulated like the sale of post- 
 age stamps. It should be no 
 more and no less to one person 
 than to another, but should be 
 the same to all alike, under like 
 conditions. 
 
TEANSPORTATION AND STAMPS. 81 
 
 There should be a minimum 
 price established per mile. 
 
 Everybody should be entitled to 
 transportation, in the ordinary 
 passenger coach, on payment of 
 that minimum price. 
 
 * * 
 
 If any road should allow to any 
 one a lower price than the estab- 
 lished rate, then that lower price 
 should become, ipso facto, the 
 standard rate for that road, and 
 all passengers having paid the 
 full rate should be entitled to re- 
 cover the difference. The guilty 
 road should be punished by a 
 heavy fine besides. 
 
 * * 
 
 The establishment of a mini- 
 mum rate does not mean that a 
 passenger would be compelled to 
 
82 , PASSES. 
 
 limit himself to the accommoda- 
 tions provided under that rate. 
 He could expend as much more 
 in that direction as he saw fit. 
 Say, for instance, that the mini- 
 mum fare entitles him to travel 
 in a first-class coach at two cents 
 per mile; he is not obliged to 
 travel in that coach if there is 
 a parlor car in the train, and he 
 has the means to buy a seat 
 therein. After he has paid his 
 two cents per mile, he is at liberty 
 to pay as much more as he pleases 
 for a seat or a berth in a Pullman 
 car. He is welcome to hire a full 
 section, or the whole car, for that 
 matter. And if that car is not 
 good enough, he can have one 
 built to suit himself. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
TRANSPORTATION AND STAMPS. 83 
 
 But the ordinary passenger 
 wants to feel certain that the 
 man who flies about in a private 
 car has paid his fare of two cents 
 a mile, like himself, for the right 
 to travel at all on that train. He 
 wants to know that, while he him- 
 self pays the full legal fare in the 
 ordinary day coach, the other man 
 is not sailing around in a private 
 car for nothing. 
 
84 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Chkomos and Frke Lunches. 
 
 I HAVE heard some people say- 
 that a minimum uniform rate 
 can never be adopted by Ameri- 
 can railroads. The reason they 
 give is that, while a low uniform 
 rate might prove profitable enough 
 for those roads running through 
 thickly-settled centres of popula- 
 tion, it would not do for the roads 
 running through sparsely-settled 
 sections of the country, and would 
 inevitably throw them into bank- 
 ruptcy. 
 
 Ah, yes, bankruptcy ! There 
 are a few railroads in bankruptcy 
 
CHROMOS AND FREE LUNCHES. 85 
 
 now, a good many others have 
 been there before — some of them 
 quite recently — and it was not for 
 maintaining uniform rates either. 
 
 * * 
 
 I have heard other people say 
 that the adoption of a uniform 
 rate would destroy competition. 
 But that does not follow neces- 
 sarily. Railroads could still com- 
 pete to their hearts' content, by 
 making faster time; by providing 
 better accommodations; by giving 
 chromos, free lunches, etc. Some 
 might go for the chromos; some 
 would probably go for the free 
 lunch; and everybody would be 
 happy. 
 
 * * 
 
 In fact, the railroads would be 
 the very first to be benefited. 
 
86 PASSES. 
 
 The railroads need some sympa- 
 thy, too, but nobody pities them ; 
 nobody cares for them. 
 
 The manager of a large hotel 
 was conversing with a guest. The 
 guest said: "How is business?" 
 
 "Bad," said the hotel man. 
 
 "What is the cause?" said the 
 guest. 
 
 "The railroads," answered the 
 manager. "The rates are too 
 high. If the railroads would re- 
 duce their rates twenty-five or 
 fifty per cent, they would carry 
 many more people, and they 
 would make up in the number 
 what they would lose by the re- 
 duction — seeing that they have to 
 run their trains anyway." 
 
 "Well," said the guest, "it is a 
 bad rule that don't work both 
 
CHROMOS AND FREE LUNCHES. 87 
 
 ways. If all the hotels in the 
 country would reduce their rates 
 twenty-five or fifty per cent, they 
 would entertain many more guests, 
 and they would make up in the 
 number what they might lose by 
 the reduction — seeing that they 
 have to keep open anyway." 
 
 That manager was mad, in- 
 stantly. He said : " Sir, I want 
 you to understand that this is a 
 respectable house." 
 * * 
 
 The experiment of uniform rates 
 for the railroads has never been 
 tried in this country; therefore it 
 is too early to condemn it. It will 
 be time enough to do that after 
 it has proved a failure. All the 
 old methods have been tried, and 
 they have failed. New ones are 
 
88 PASSES. 
 
 in order. In fact, any plan is 
 worthy of consideration that is 
 based on good faith, honesty and 
 public morality. 
 
 * * 
 
 I believe members of Congress 
 should be entitled to ride free on 
 the railroads, but I do not think 
 the railroads should be expected 
 to bear the entire expense, espe- 
 cially in view of the fact that the 
 Government already allows mem- 
 bers of Congress so much per mile 
 for their traveling expenses. If 
 any of them ever failed to collect 
 it, I never heard of it. 
 
 But I ' have heard of some in- 
 stances where passes, issued in the 
 names of members of Congress, 
 had found their way into the 
 hands of ticket-scalpers, who sold 
 
CHEOMOS AND FREE LUNCHES. 89 
 
 them to the public for cash. How 
 in the world those passes ever got 
 there, I have not the least idea; 
 indeed I haven't. 
 
90 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Keep Off the Grass. 
 
 When I announced my purpose 
 to deliver a public lecture on 
 " Passes," several very respectable 
 persons were good enough to say 
 to me : " Look out, young man ; 
 you are going to stir up a hornets' 
 nest, and the first thing you know 
 you will get yourself into trouble." 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 That is very kind advice, and it 
 
 is highly appreciated. But there 
 
 is nothing new or original about 
 
 it. Ever since the world began, 
 
 every time some one has hinted 
 
 at correcting an abuse, there have 
 
KEEP OFF THE GRASS. 91 
 
 been plenty of interested parties 
 to shout to him : 
 
 " Keep off the grass ! " 
 
 Whenever any one has the cour- 
 age to propose to right a wrong, 
 there are always plenty of well- 
 meaning but timorous souls to 
 whisper in his ear: 
 
 " Beware of the dog ! " 
 
 Yet, truth is truth, and facts 
 are facts, and neither can be 
 downed forever. They may be 
 kept down for a time, but sooner 
 or later they are bound to come 
 to light, all efforts to the contrary 
 notwithstanding. 
 * * 
 
 There are certain facts in con- 
 nection with the railroads, which 
 
92 PASSES. 
 
 it would be well not to lose sight 
 of, because they not only affect 
 the passing interests of the Amer- 
 ican people, but they threaten the 
 permanent form of the American 
 Grovernment. 
 
 No one can have so soon for- 
 gotten the effects of the terrible 
 crisis through which this country 
 passed between the years 1893 and 
 1897. Every one remembers what 
 a feeling of unrest and insecurity 
 it created; how it alarmed trade, 
 crippled industry, emptied the shops 
 and the factories, filled the highways 
 with tramps, and spread despond- 
 ency and gloom all over the land. 
 * * 
 
 Everybody remembers that dur- 
 ing the great Chicago strike, the 
 
KEEP OFF THE GRASS. 93 
 
 "chariot of civilization and prog- 
 ress" (as the locomotive is some- 
 times called) was received by the 
 strikers with anything but cheers. 
 It was received with curses. It 
 was met with bricks and stones 
 and showers of bullets. 
 
 And yet the railroads have be- 
 come a necessity for America. If 
 any one doubts it, let him picture 
 to himself what would become of 
 this country should the railroads 
 be suddenly stopped, destroyed or 
 abolished. The railroad has had 
 more to do with adding stars to 
 the American flag than any other 
 agency in the world. 
 
 * * 
 If ever the American people 
 become satisfied that they are 
 treated fairly, and that they are 
 
94 PASSES. 
 
 no longer discriminated against 
 by the railroads, a strike of that 
 kind will become an impossibility. 
 The people would soon take a 
 personal, as well as a national, 
 interest in the welfare of the rail- 
 road ; they would resent an attack 
 upon it, and they would rush to 
 its rescue, just as they would rush 
 to the rescue of the flag, if it were 
 threatened. 
 
 For the present it does not ap- 
 pear that a majority of them 
 are tumbling over one another 
 to show their eagerness in that 
 direction. No ! And they are not 
 apt to do so as long as they 
 are compelled to pay full fare, 
 while a few privileged ones are 
 permitted to ride free. 
 
THE CRIME OF THE AGE. 95 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 The Crime of the Age. 
 
 The free pass is the curse of 
 American railroads ; it is at the 
 root of all their troubles. Cut it 
 out, and there is some hope of 
 saving them. Leave it to grow 
 and expand indefinitely, and de- 
 moralization and bankruptcy are 
 sure to come in the future, as they 
 
 have come in the past. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 It matters little how the free 
 pass was first introduced on the 
 railroads. It is there. It was 
 easier to introduce it than it will 
 be to eradicate it. Like the pro- 
 verbial drop of water, it did not 
 
96 PASSES. 
 
 make much impression at first; 
 but, in the course of time, it got in 
 its work just the same. 
 * * 
 
 It seemed very natural, in the 
 beginning, for a railroad manager 
 to extend the courtesy of an occa- 
 sional trip pass to a patron of the 
 road. There was no harm in that, 
 apparently. But by-and-by that 
 same patron began to look for 
 that pass, then he expected it, 
 next he requested it, and finally 
 he exacted it. 
 
 The harm grew rapidly when 
 shippers ceased to find trip passes 
 good enough for them, and in- 
 sisted, first on quarterly passes, and 
 then on annual passes, under pen- 
 alty of turning their shipments 
 over to other roads, if their re- 
 
THE CEIME OF THE AGE. 97 
 
 quests were not granted. It 
 reached its climax, when even 
 annual passes proved insufficient 
 to restrain them from carrying 
 out their threat, and secret rates 
 
 or rebates had to be resorted to. 
 
 * 
 
 The business world was startled 
 a few years ago, by the expert 
 who examined the accounts of the 
 Atchison, Topeka and Santa Fe 
 Eailroad. He found that in three 
 years and a half that road had 
 paid back, in secret rebates to 
 privileged shippers, the enormous 
 sum of three million nine hundred 
 and six thousand six hundred and 
 fifty-six dollars ($3,906,656), or more 
 than a million dollars a year. 
 
 And the worst of it is that the 
 case of the Santa Fe road is far 
 
98 PASSES. 
 
 from being an exceptional one. 
 For many years past, it has been 
 an open secret that the railroads 
 have been collecting the freight 
 with one hand, and paying a big 
 share of it back, with the other, 
 to a few privileged shippers, in 
 the shape of secret rebates. No 
 wonder so many of them have 
 failed ! 
 
 * * 
 The practice of paying secret 
 rebates to favored shippers is the 
 greatest crime of the last quarter 
 of the century. It is discrimina- 
 tion in its most abhorrent and 
 revolutionary form. It puts all 
 the small shippers in the country 
 at the mercy of a few big ones. 
 It absorbs their honest profits. It 
 takes the bread from their mouths. 
 
THE CRIME OF THE AGE. 99 
 
 It virtually forces them out of the 
 business. To compete on equal, 
 open terms, would be hard enough ; 
 but when they have to contend 
 with secret allowances, the exact 
 extent of which they are unable 
 to gauge or ascertain, there is 
 nothing left for them to do but 
 
 shut up shop or starve. 
 
 * 
 
 * * 
 
 The responsibility for that crime 
 does not rest altogether upon the 
 shoulders of railroad managers, 
 although they are responsible for 
 a large share of it, and they have 
 long been put under the ban for 
 it, by demagogues in quest of 
 popularity. 
 
 Eailroad managers made the 
 mistake of opening the door. The 
 flood rushed in with such a force 
 
100 PASSES. 
 
 that now they seem powerless to 
 shut it again. Every effort to 
 stem the tide seems to leave 
 them weaker and weaker, and to 
 carry them farther and farther 
 away from the shore. 
 
 In the meantime, American 
 railroads have become a national 
 grindstone, upon which all the 
 cranks, grumblers and fault-finders 
 love to sharpen the edge of their 
 individual grievances. 
 
 American railroad men have 
 been made scape-goats for the 
 sins of the whole country, as if 
 they had not enough of their own 
 to carry. And it avails them 
 nothing to attempt to disculpate 
 themselves. If they talk back, the 
 demagogues are not slow to pro- 
 
THE CRIME OF THE AGE. 101 
 
 claim that "where there is so 
 much smoke, there must be some 
 fire." If they keep quiet, it is 
 given out that "guilty conscience 
 needs no accuser." Whether they 
 talk back, or whether they re- 
 main silent, railroad men are sure 
 to be damned just the same. The 
 Good Book says it is easier for a 
 camel to pass through the eye of a 
 needle, than for a rich man to 
 enter the Kingdom of Heaven ; 
 but that is nothing to what rail- 
 road men will have to go through 
 to get there, if one half of what 
 they are charged with is true. 
 
 Yet, close observers fail to find 
 any special difference between 
 American railroad men and any 
 other body of men. In fact, any 
 
102 PASSES. 
 
 other country but America would 
 be sure to point to them with 
 pride. Here, they are looked upon 
 as suspects, and they are treated 
 as public enemies. This is so true, 
 that no public man, who has any 
 regard for his own reputation, 
 would care to stand up and raise 
 his voice in their behalf. No poli- 
 tician running for office would care 
 to be seen walking down the pub- 
 lic street, arm in arm with a big 
 railroad president. If he did, he 
 would not get many votes, and he 
 would be sure to create a sensa- 
 tion besides. People would say 
 that the one had gotten into bad 
 company, and the other ought to 
 be ashamed of himself. 
 
THE CRIME OF THE AGE. 103 
 
 However, there are signs in the 
 air that the cry of the demagogue, 
 against railroad bondholders and 
 stockholders is losing much of its 
 force, since the recent period of 
 railroad bankruptcy and reorgani- 
 zation. 
 
 It is beginning to dawn on the 
 minds of the people at large, 
 that railroad directors are not all 
 thieves, that politicians are not 
 all saints. 
 
 Because a few men have made 
 colossal fortunes in the manipu- 
 lation of railroad stocks, it does 
 not follow that all the others are 
 dishonest. This is a country of 
 great possibilities. Large fortunes 
 have been made in all branches of 
 industry, including politics. The 
 question, in regard to railroad 
 
104 PASSES. 
 
 stocks and bonds, is not how 
 many rascals have made fortunes 
 out of them, but how many honest 
 people have their living tied up 
 in them. 
 
LEGALIZE THE PASSES. 105 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Legalize the Passes. 
 
 The only way to circumvent the 
 pass evil is to legalize it. 
 
 Public servants should be en- 
 titled to ride free on the rail- 
 roads, under proper rules and 
 restrictions. 
 
 They should be provided with 
 mileage-books, bearing their sig- 
 natures and their photographs, and 
 containing a duly authenticated 
 certificate, stating their rank and 
 position, and reciting the statute 
 under which they are entitled to 
 the railroad franchise, the terri- 
 tory covered by said franchise, the 
 date of its expiration, etc. 
 
106 PASSES. 
 
 That mileage-book, when pre- 
 sented by its real owner, should 
 be honored on any railroad within 
 the territory specified in it. Each 
 conductor would detach from it 
 the coupons representing the num- 
 ber of miles traveled on his own 
 road. Those coupons should be 
 redeemable on presentation, and 
 at one-half of the regular rates, 
 at the head office of the public 
 department where such servant is 
 employed. 
 
 * * 
 
 For instance, the mileage-cou- 
 pons collected from members of 
 Congress and all public servants 
 in the employ of the United States 
 should be redeemable at the United 
 States Treasury. 
 
 The mileage-coupons collected 
 
LEGALIZE THE PASSES. 107 
 
 from the officers and employes of 
 any State should be redeemable 
 at the State Treasury. 
 
 The mileage-coupons collected 
 from county and city officials 
 should be redeemable at the 
 county and city treasury respec- 
 tively; and so on to the end of 
 the line. 
 
 * * 
 
 As to members of religious or 
 charitable bodies, and those con- 
 nected with institutions of public 
 utility, they should be granted the 
 right to procure mileage-books at 
 half rates, and those books should 
 be good until used on any and 
 all railroads in the country. 
 
 With regard to railroad em- 
 ploye's, their cards of travel should 
 
108 PASSES. 
 
 be strictly limited to the road that 
 employs them, and should be made 
 so plain that no one, not actually 
 on the pay-rolls of the company, 
 could parade himself on a pass 
 as a "special agent," for example. 
 That title should be abolished for- 
 ever. 
 
 Exchange passes between differ- 
 ent railroads should be discon- 
 tinued. When a railroad man 
 gets off his own road and on to 
 another, he should pay his fare 
 like anybody else. 
 * * 
 
 In a word, no dead-heads should 
 be allowed on the railroads. In 
 that manner, no one would have 
 occasion to complain, because no 
 one would be deceived, injured, or 
 discriminated against, and the rail- 
 
LEGALIZE THE PASSES. 109 
 
 roads would, in all cases, receive 
 
 fair compensation for their work. 
 
 * * 
 
 I would make only one excep- 
 tion to that rule, and that would 
 be in favor of the President of the 
 United States. 
 
 The President should be pro- 
 vided, at public expense, with 
 a Presidential train that would 
 eclipse anything that has ever 
 been built in that line, and that 
 train should be given the right 
 of way over all the railroads in 
 America. 
 
 This is a big country. The 
 people would like to see their 
 President from time to time, and 
 they cannot all go to Washington 
 for that purpose. 
 
 The President himself is tied to 
 
110 PASSES. 
 
 the White House, because if he 
 goes away, he is bound to place 
 himself under obligation to one 
 railroad or another, since they 
 would not accept money from him, 
 but consider themselves well paid 
 by the honor of carrying him. 
 * 
 
 Railroad officers have their spe- 
 cial cars constructed with such 
 a degree of perfection and com- 
 fort that they can both live and 
 work in them ; and they transact 
 business, dictate letters, send off 
 telegrams, and hold important 
 conferences in their special cars, 
 at a speed of forty, fifty or sixty 
 miles an hour, just as they would 
 in their own private office. 
 * 
 
LEGALIZE THE PASSES. Ill 
 
 The President should be pro- 
 vided with every facility contrived 
 by American genius and invention, 
 to allow him to come in contact 
 with the people, and to permit 
 him, at the same time, to trans- 
 act public business with conveni- 
 ence and dispatch. 
 
 There is no danger of imperial- 
 ism ever invading the White 
 House through that door. On the 
 contrary, if the people could ever 
 realize that they are guaranteed 
 the full enjoyment of their legal 
 rights on the railroads, they would 
 be only too proud and too happy 
 to contribute a small mite of them 
 for the benefit of their President. 
 And the President could then 
 travel free, not by the favor of 
 the railroads, but by the grace of 
 the American people. 
 
112 PASSES. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Government Control. 
 
 The Baltimore and Ohio Railroad 
 enjoys the distinction of being 
 able to exhibit the original ticket 
 purchased and paid for by Commo- 
 dore George Dewey, from Wash- 
 ington to San Francisco, via the 
 B. & 0., when on his way to de- 
 stroy the Spanish fleet in the Bay 
 of Manila. That is unquestionably 
 
 a great honor. 
 
 * 
 
 Perhaps some of the other rail- 
 roads are jealous of it. If they 
 are, there is a very good way for 
 them to get even. Let them ex- 
 hibit the fac simile of the passes 
 
GOVERNMENT CONTROL. 113 
 
 they give to members of Congress, 
 when the latter go from Wash- 
 ington to their homes to look 
 after their fences. That would 
 make a fine contrast. 
 
 The school teachers could, in the 
 future, read to the children a les- 
 son on the American sailor who 
 pays his way to go and fight the 
 enemies of his country, and the 
 American statesman who dead- 
 heads his to go and fight his 
 political adversaries. 
 
 At any rate, it might be the 
 means of training the young gen- 
 eration to face the new conditions 
 that are developing so rapidly in 
 the United States. 
 
 And they would be all the better 
 prepared to deal with the trans- 
 
114 PASSES. 
 
 portation problem, and to help 
 carry out a new pact, in which the 
 people are sure to figure as part- 
 ners of the railroads, to a much 
 greater extent than they have ever 
 done heretofore. 
 
 * * 
 
 If, on account of the pass abuse, 
 or the rebate system, or for any 
 other cause whatever, the railroads 
 are unable to earn enough money 
 to pay their legitimate expenses 
 and a fair interest on their cost, 
 they are sure to be sold out in 
 the future, as they have been 
 in the past. The next time they are 
 sold out, the chances are they will 
 be bought in by the Government. 
 
 It is difficult to say which horn 
 of the dilemma would be the 
 worst for the American people. 
 
GOVERNMENT CONTROL. 115 
 
 I am not in favor of Govern- 
 ment ownership of the railroads. 
 I believe the politicians already 
 have too much to say in their 
 management. 
 
 Holders of railroad securities 
 would probably be benefited by 
 being creditors of the Govern- 
 ment instead of private compa- 
 nies. 
 
 But the experience of other 
 countries, in having the railroads 
 run by the Government, is not of 
 a nature to encourage the attempt 
 here. 
 
 To add eight or ten billions of 
 dollars to the public debt of a 
 nation is no small affair, even if 
 that nation is the United States 
 
 of America. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
116 PASSES. 
 
 Australia owns all her railroads, 
 and the Australian governments 
 are groaning under the load. 
 
 Italy owns all her railroads. 
 She tried to operate them, but 
 the attempt was too much for her 
 finances, and she was only too glad 
 to lease them to private companies, 
 in order to escape bankruptcy. 
 
 France owns part of her rail- 
 roads, and they are a thorn in 
 her side. 
 
 Germany owns practically all 
 her railroads, and so does Russia. 
 But in Germany and in Russia, 
 as well as in France, England and 
 wherever the government exer- 
 cises control over the railroads, 
 competition is unknown. Every 
 railroad has an absolute monopoly 
 on the traffic tributary to its lines. 
 
GOVERNMENT CONTROL. 117 
 
 From all that can be learned on 
 the subject, those governments 
 that have undertaken to own and 
 operate their railroads would be 
 glad enough to go out of the 
 business, if it were not for the 
 military question, which is para- 
 mount with them. Here, happily, 
 the military question has not yet 
 reached, and is not likely to ever 
 reach, such a critical stage as that. 
 
 The ownership of the railroads 
 by the Government would place 
 fully a million men under politi- 
 cal patronage. It is easy to see 
 how irresistible would be the temp- 
 tation, for either of the two great 
 political parties, to use this power- 
 ful lever for all there was in it, 
 either to acquire political control, 
 or to perpetuate themselves in it. 
 
118 PASSES. 
 
 To attempt to cure the evils of 
 the railroad system through Gov- 
 ernment ownership, would be to 
 jump from the frying pan into 
 the fire. 
 
 To urge upon the American Gov- 
 ernment the absorption of the 
 railroads, would be to tie a big 
 millstone around the neck of Uncle 
 Sam, and he is not in need of any 
 at present. 
 
A mother's plea. 119 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 A Mother's Plea. 
 
 I HOPE the reader does not im- 
 agine, for an instant, that I am 
 trying to solve the railroad prob- 
 lem, all by myself. I am trying 
 nothing of the kind. Too big ! 
 Too many men, far better equipped 
 than I am, have tried it and have 
 failed. Thousands of others are 
 daily engaged in the same task, 
 and they do not seem to make 
 much headway either. 
 
 From railroad presidents down 
 to the flagmen at the crossings; 
 from professors in universities 
 down to curb-stone orators, every- 
 body is trying to solve the rail- 
 
120 PASSES. 
 
 road problem. The signs are not 
 wanting that the people themselves 
 are getting ready to take a hand 
 at it, one of these days. The 
 people are a little slow, sometimes, 
 in grappling with big questions, 
 but when they do, they never let 
 go until the thing is settled and 
 out of the way. 
 
 It is always well to remember 
 that, if you grind a man down too 
 much, you run the risk of putting 
 a dangerous edge on him. 
 
 Every act of discrimination 
 against the people constitutes a 
 debt that will have to be paid 
 some time. It may be postponed ; 
 it cannot be avoided. The longer 
 it is put off, the bigger it will 
 grow. When finally the day of 
 settlement comes, the people are 
 
A mother's plea. 121 
 
 pretty sure to have their rights, 
 no matter who is hurt. 
 * * 
 My only object is to call atten- 
 tion to the well-known fact that 
 a law was enacted by Congress, 
 some twelve years ago, for the ex- 
 press purpose of protecting the 
 railroads against the politicians, 
 and more specially for the purpose 
 of protecting the American people 
 against both. That law has been 
 violated. It is being violated every 
 day in the year. It is violated 
 most by those who ought to violate 
 it least. It has been violated by 
 its makers, and by their succes- 
 sors and assigns. Instead of pro- 
 tecting the railroads, it bleeds the 
 railroads. Instead of protecting 
 the public, it oppresses the public. 
 
122 PASSES. 
 
 If you could, dear reader, wit- 
 ness the scenes that take place, 
 almost any day, in the general 
 offices of any of the big railroads 
 of the country, I have no doubt 
 you would be greatly amused and 
 interested. 
 
 You would see there some scenes 
 so pathetic that they would bring 
 tears to your eyes, in spite of your- 
 self. And you would see others so 
 comical and ludicrous that they 
 would make you hold your sides 
 with laughter. The assortment of 
 requests for passes embraces pretty 
 much all the situations imaginable 
 under the sun, from the sublime 
 to the ridiculous. 
 
 * * 
 
 One of the most interesting 
 sights you would see there — and 
 
A mother's plea. 123 
 
 by no means an uncommon one — 
 would probably be that of some 
 poor woman, whose scape-grace of 
 a boy has run away from home, 
 and is reported sick, or merely at 
 the end of his rope, at some point 
 along the line. Of course, mother- 
 like, she thinks she must go to 
 him at once. But she has not 
 the money with which to buy a 
 ticket, and nobody will give it to 
 her. 
 
 She goes straight to the general 
 office, to ask for a pass. A polite 
 official tells her he has no author- 
 ity to give her one. She pleads 
 that she needs it so much. He 
 tells her if he gave her a pass 
 simply because she needs it, he 
 could not refuse one to thou- 
 sands of others who need it as 
 
124 PASSES. 
 
 much as she does, or think they 
 do. Still, she implores and she 
 entreats, and then he uses the 
 last argument; he tells her he 
 cannot give her a pass, because 
 it is contrary to the Interstate 
 Commerce Law. That always set- 
 tles it. The poor woman would 
 rather let her boy die alone, 
 away from her, than break the 
 law. As she turns to go away, 
 with a bleeding heart, sobs in 
 her throat and tears streaming 
 down her face, there stalks in 
 some big, burly, red-nosed, blus- 
 tering politician, who beckons to 
 the clerk and says : "I want a 
 pass to New York," and he gets 
 it without a question. 
 
SKELETON IN THE CLOSET. 125 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 Skeleton in the Closet. 
 
 As carried on at present, the 
 political pass system is an insult 
 to the intelligence of the Ameri- 
 can people, and to their sense of 
 fair play. Instead of being an in- 
 strument of national civilization, 
 as it ought to be, the political 
 pass has become an instrument 
 of national degradation. Of all 
 the numerous offsprings, born of 
 the questionable relations between 
 the politicians and the railroads, 
 the political pass is the worst. 
 She is the most wayward child 
 of the whole family. If you in- 
 vestigate her pranks, you will 
 
126 PASSES. 
 
 soon find that she is the real 
 skeleton in the closet. 
 
 * 
 
 * * 
 
 If the political pass is to con- 
 tinue in existence, it should be 
 legalized. The voters, in every 
 state, should be the ones to de- 
 cide, by their ballots, whether or 
 not they desire their representa- 
 tives to accept free passes of any 
 kind from anybody. If they do, 
 then it would be known to all 
 that free passes are to form part 
 of the emoluments of public office ; 
 and public men could all go to 
 the circus, and occupy a seat in 
 the front row, and they would 
 not have to crawl under the can- 
 vas to get there, either. 
 
SKELETON IN THE CLOSET. 127 
 
 Then, a political pass would 
 become a public badge of honor 
 and distinction, instead of being 
 looked upon (as it is but too 
 often now) as a livery of corrup- 
 tion, bribery and black-mail. 
 
 Then, the political pass would 
 become one of the brightest and 
 sweetest flowers in the garden of 
 American civilization ; now, it is 
 the rankest kind of a weed. In- 
 stead of being the pride of the 
 garden, it is its parasite. It rears 
 its arrogant stalk over the heads 
 of the more modest and useful 
 plants, that try to eke out a mis- 
 erable existence under its nefar- 
 ious and baneful shadow. Its 
 coarse leaves intercept the rays 
 of the sun, and the vivifying 
 drops of the rain and the morn- 
 
128 PASSES. 
 
 ing dew. The poison of its roots 
 contaminates everything that 
 comes in contact with it. It has 
 already permeated every artery 
 of the body politic; even the 
 
 judiciary are tainted with it. 
 
 * 
 
 * * 
 
 I profess the deepest and most 
 sincere respect for all judges on 
 the American Bench. I believe 
 that if the Constitution of the 
 United States should ever be in 
 danger, it would be sure to find a 
 safe harbor of refuge in the heart 
 of every judge of an American 
 court ; yet, how many judges pay 
 their fare on the railroad? 
 
 * * 
 
 I remember the case of a judge 
 who actually refused a pass. He 
 simply returned it with a polite 
 
SKELETON IN THE CLOSET. 129 
 
 letter of thanks. You never saw 
 such a commotion as was created 
 by the receipt of that letter. It 
 was passed from hand to hand as 
 a great curiosity. Some said that 
 judge must be a funny kind of a 
 man; others said he must be a 
 crank. For my part, I thought 
 then, and I do think now, that 
 he was a hero. Men hke him 
 deserve to have their names en- 
 graved in marble; their features 
 should be cast in bronze; statues 
 should be erected to them, that 
 the whole world might know 
 them, honor them, glorify them, 
 for their courage and their man- 
 liness. It might serve as an 
 example for others, and it would 
 not cost much — there are so few 
 of them. 
 
130 PASSES. 
 
 The mere mention of the passes 
 for the judges is sufficient to indi- 
 cate what a field is here presented 
 to the pen of a satirist. But, 
 knowing that the judges, like the 
 members of Congress, are, to a 
 large extent, the victims of cir- 
 cumstances in regard to passes, 
 I shall refrain from plunging the 
 knife any deeper into the wound, 
 or turning it round in the sore. 
 
 I shall content myself with the 
 remark that, if the passes for the 
 judges could be legalized, I have 
 no doubt the judges themselves 
 would feel much more at ease. 
 
 So would the pleaders. 
 
 * 
 * * 
 
 In conclusion, I will say that, 
 while I am not in favor of Gov- 
 ernment ownership of the rail- 
 
SKELETON IN THE CLOSET. 131 
 
 roads, I am most decidedly in 
 favor of any kind of Government 
 control that will secure equal 
 rights and equal privileges, on 
 the American railroads, for every 
 man, woman and child in the 
 United States. 
 
How I Got Acquainted with 
 the Gendarmes. 
 
 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 PAGE. 
 
 I. On an Eeeand op Friendship 137 
 
 II. Teavel bt Diligence 140 
 
 III. I Deink Some Water 143 
 
 IV. Transportation at Reduced Kates . . . 146 
 V. A Mountain Home 149 
 
 VI. The Blues are Coming 153 
 
 VII. A Mother's Heart 156 
 
 VIII. I Get in Trouble 159 
 
 IX. The Brigadier 162 
 
 X. Toasting Monsieur L' Amebic AiN 165 
 
 XI. Excursions with the Gendarmes 168 
 
 XII. I Talk Politics, Unfortunately 171 
 
 XIII. It is Dippebent in France 174 
 
 XIV. I Take mt Leave 176 
 
I. 
 
 On an Ebeand of Feiendship. 
 
 They do these things differently in France. 
 
 On a hot July afternoon of the 
 year 1871, I started from Mar- 
 seOles for the mountains, on an 
 errand of friendship. An old 
 schoolmate, who, fifteen years be 
 fore, had come to America to seek 
 his fortune, like myself, and had 
 never gone back, had entrusted 
 me, before I left Chicago, with 
 a number of presents for his 
 brothers and sisters, and many 
 messages of love for his widowed 
 mother. 
 His people lived seventy-five or 
 
138 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 eighty miles northward, on the 
 French side of the Alps, and the 
 only way to get there was by 
 diligence. 
 
 The diligence passed every day 
 in front of the residence of the 
 relative with whom I was staying, 
 but the resumption of travel was 
 so great, after the close of the 
 Franco-Prussian War, that I found 
 it impossible to get a seat in it, 
 without retaining one at the head 
 office several days in advance. 
 Accordingly, I went there, secured 
 a seat, and paid one-half of the 
 fare down, as requested by the 
 man in charge, who stated that 
 the balance would be collected on 
 the way by the conductor him- 
 self. 
 
 The coach came along in due 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 139 
 
 time. I took my seat in the 
 coupe, provided with a substantial 
 lunch of cold fowl, saucisson 
 d'Arles, fruit, cakes and a bottle 
 of wine; for it was to be a ten 
 hours' journey, without a stop, 
 except long enough to change 
 horses at regular relays along the 
 route. 
 
140 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 II. 
 
 Travel by Diligence. 
 
 The diligence was drawn by- 
 three powerful horses, driven 
 abreast. It was divided into four 
 compartments — the coupe in front, 
 with seats for three ; the rotonde 
 behind, with room for six; the 
 imperiale on top, in front, with 
 accommodations for three more, 
 besides the conductor and postil- 
 ion. The space back of this was 
 reserved for baggage and an occa- 
 sional bag of game, which the 
 conductor generally managed to 
 smuggle into Marseilles, without 
 paying the octroi. 
 The only other occupant of the 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 141 
 
 coupe, with me, was a corpulent 
 man of about forty — a commer- 
 cial traveler in light hardware — 
 with whom I tried to enter into 
 conversation, but who did not 
 prove very communicative. In 
 fact, from the moment I told him 
 I hailed from America, he seemed 
 to regard me with decided sus- 
 picion. We were then just after 
 the fall of the Commune, and he 
 may have taken me for a Com- 
 munist, sailing under false colors. 
 I tried to propitiate him by shar- 
 ing my lunch with him, and I 
 noticed that he got away with the 
 best part of the saucisson and 
 most of the wine. After that, he 
 went to sleep, or pretended to, 
 and I enjoyed myself looking out 
 of the window. 
 
142 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 The three big horses, covered 
 with foam, were galloping at the 
 top of their speed, stimulated 
 thereto by the music of their bells 
 and the cracking of the whip, 
 which the postilion was handling, 
 in an artistic manner, over their 
 backs, accompanying each stroke 
 with an expletive of his own, in 
 his flowery provencal. 
 
 The road was broad, hard and 
 smooth. It would have seemed 
 perfect, but for the fine dust 
 which covered everything along- 
 side of it, and the whiteness of 
 which, under the glare of the 
 southern sun, was almost unen- 
 durable to the naked eye. 
 
 The day was intensely hot, as 
 days usually are in that part of 
 the country, and at that season 
 of the year. 
 
A TEANSPORTATION EPISODE. 143 
 
 III. 
 
 I Drink Some Water. 
 
 At eight o'clock in the evening, 
 we reached Sisteron, a smart little 
 town at the confluence of the 
 Eivers Buech and Durance, on the 
 dividing line between Provence 
 and Dauphine. Here my unsocia- 
 ble companion left me, and I had 
 thence the coupe to myself, for 
 the rest of the journey. 
 
 The air had become heavy and 
 oppressive; the heat was almost 
 stifling. While we were changing 
 horses, I noticed, across the espla- 
 nade, people sitting round little 
 tables, in front of the cafes, 
 sipping light liqueurs and iced 
 
144 A TEANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 drinks. Never in my life did I 
 feel so strongly tempted to imitate 
 them. But this would have meant 
 the loss of a day, because the 
 diligence would not have waited 
 one minute for me, of course. 
 However, nearby, a high fountain 
 was pouring water from a dozen 
 pipes into an immense stone 
 basin. In an instant, I was bend- 
 ing down over that basin and 
 quenching my thirst with great 
 relish. Great heavens! I have 
 been sorry for it to this day. 
 Such stale, sickening water I had 
 never tasted before, and hope 
 never to again. I went back to 
 my seat, a sad and dejected man. 
 With fresh horses and a new 
 driver, we resumed our race to- 
 wards the mountains. Soon night 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 14:5 
 
 came, but the heat was still in- 
 tense. It was not until midnight, 
 when we had reached higher 
 grades, that I experienced any 
 relief at all. 
 
 The night, too, had a peculiar 
 appearance. There was not a 
 breath of air nor a cloud; myri- 
 ads of stars were twinkling in 
 the skies, and yet, in front of 
 me, the space was as black as 
 ink. Not a sound was to be 
 heard, save the galloping of the 
 horses, the cracking of the whip, 
 and the urging of the driver. 
 
146 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 IV. 
 
 Teanspoetation at Reduced Eatbs. 
 
 Shortly after two o'clock in the 
 morning, we reached the point 
 where I was to get off. The con- 
 ductor was down from his perch, 
 the moment the horses stopped. 
 Opening the portiere rather rough- 
 ly, he called to me to alight, and 
 started off for the postoffice, across 
 the square, with the mail-bag in 
 his hand, reappeared almost im- 
 mediately with another bag, and 
 ran back to the road again, but 
 further down, at a triangle from 
 the point where he had left us. 
 The horses had been changed, 
 the coach met him down the 
 
A TEANSPORTATION EPISODE. 147 
 
 way, and, in a twinkling, they 
 had turned the corner and were 
 out of sight. 
 
 Now, the conductor had never 
 collected the balance of my fare; 
 in fact, he had never paid the 
 slightest attention to me at all. 
 There I stood, in the dark, with 
 my bundles on the ground, my 
 pocket-book in my hand, ready 
 to pay him, and he was gone. 
 
 After a moment's reflection, I 
 consoled myself with the thought 
 that, perhaps, that was a way 
 they had in France, and I was 
 glad that, if the journey had not 
 been very pleasant, at least I 
 had had a ride in a diligence 
 at reduced rates. Picking up my 
 parcels, I walked towards the 
 postoffice, where I saw a dim 
 
148 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 light burning. Here, I was al- 
 lowed to leave my baggage, until 
 I could send for it in the morn- 
 ing. There was no hotel in the 
 little town; therefore, I gladly- 
 accepted the offer of the post- 
 master to help myself to a chair, 
 in which I settled down, after 
 lighting a cigar, to wait patiently 
 for daylight. 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 149 
 
 V. 
 
 A Mountain Home. 
 
 The sun is up early in July. 
 By three o'clock, I was able to 
 pick my way up the side of the 
 mountain, towards the little ham- 
 let, about three miles away, 
 among the vines, where the family 
 of my friend resided. I reached 
 there by the time the men where 
 getting ready to go to the fields. 
 They have to work early and 
 late too, on those barren hills, 
 to keep the wolf from the door. 
 Although my visit was not 
 entirely unexpected, my arrival 
 created considerable stir at the 
 farm-house, nevertheless. The good 
 
150 A TRANSPOETATION EPISODE. 
 
 old mother, with bent frame, 
 wrinkled face, and hair white as 
 snow, shed tears of joy over me, 
 as if I had been her own be- 
 loved boy. I cannot now recall 
 all the peculiar questions she 
 asked me about him. They were 
 such as only a mother's love 
 could prompt. I answered them 
 as well as I could, and I fear 
 I stretched the truth once or 
 twice, in my desire to answer 
 them to her satisfaction; but who 
 could have had the heart to 
 detract from her happiness, on 
 such an occasion? 
 
 The whole family pressed round 
 me, eager to express their joy, 
 and vying with one another, in 
 their eiforts to make me comfort- 
 able. 
 
A TRANSPOETATION EPISODE. 151 
 
 Presently, the neighbors took a 
 hand in it also. Before the sun 
 went down that day, I was on the 
 best of terms with every man, 
 woman and child in the little 
 hamlet. Each succeeding day 
 only served to enlarge the circle 
 of my new friends and acquaint- 
 ances. 
 
 One poor mother, who had a 
 son in Panama, came to me with 
 tears in her eyes, and begged me 
 piteously to call on him on my 
 return to America, and tell him 
 to write her a letter and send her 
 some money. A sturdy moun- 
 taineer, as honest and guileless as 
 a child, after many ludicrous apol- 
 ogies, charged me with a similar 
 errand for his son, who was in 
 Egypt. At this, one of the peas- 
 
152 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 ants timidly remarked that per- 
 haps the two young men were 
 not near enough one another to 
 make it convenient for me to call 
 on both; whereupon another one 
 positively asserted that Panama 
 and Egypt, being both outside of 
 France, must necessarily lie in 
 the same direction, which seemed 
 to settle the case definitely, at 
 least so far as they were con- 
 cerned . 
 
A TEANSPORTATION EPISODE. 153 
 
 VI. 
 
 The Blxjes are Coming. 
 
 On the morning of the third 
 day of my visit, I was standing 
 in front of the house, under an 
 old walnut tree, surrounded by a 
 dozen or so of my new friends, 
 greatly enjoying the quaintness 
 and simplicity of their conversa- 
 tion, when a young mountaineer 
 suddenly burst into our midst. 
 Looking round cautiously, he 
 raised his forefinger to his lips, 
 and whispered these words: "The 
 Blues are coming." Then he dis- 
 appeared as silently and swiftly 
 as he had come. 
 The charm of our conversation 
 
154 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 was broken instantly. The men 
 looked at one another inquisi- 
 tively; the women betrayed signs 
 of fear, and gathered the young 
 ones more closely around them. 
 My venerable hostess turned very 
 pale; great anguish was depicted 
 on her countenance, as her eyes 
 rested on her youngest boy, a 
 delicate-looking lad of nineteen or 
 twenty, who, all at once, blushed 
 with shame and appeared to be 
 in unspeakable misery. 
 
 The Blues were coming. It is 
 singular how these mountaineers 
 find it out, but they seldom fail to 
 be warned in advance of the ap- 
 proach of the gendarmes. [They 
 call them "the Blues" on account 
 of their blue uniform,] 
 
 The Blues were coming, sure 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 155 
 
 enough, for, before we had had 
 time to speculate on the event, 
 they were upon us — two in num- 
 ber — at the full gallop of their 
 great bay horses; and we were 
 not a little surprised to see them 
 pull up suddenly, and dismount 
 right at our feet. 
 
156 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 VII. 
 
 A Mother's Heabt. 
 
 The good lady instinctively 
 threw her arms round her boy's 
 neck, as if to protect him. The 
 young man looked scared enough 
 to sink under ground. It appears, 
 as I learned subsequently, that he 
 had run away from home some 
 time before, to see the world for 
 himself, and, after a good deal 
 of hardship, had finally secured a 
 position in a hotel at Avignon ; 
 but, becoming dissatisfied, he had 
 left his place rather abruptly 
 and returned home ; not, however, 
 before some sharp words had 
 passed between himself and the 
 
A TEANSPOETATION EPISODE. 157 
 
 proprietor, as well as the proprie- 
 tor's wife. 
 
 He had only been home a few 
 days, when the gendarmes sud- 
 denly appeared at the door, and, 
 with many apologies for having 
 to perform an unpleasant duty, 
 immediately proceeded to ransack 
 the house from cellar to garret, 
 in search of a plain gold ring 
 and one or two more trinkets of 
 insignificant value, which were 
 said to have been missed at the 
 hotel after his departure, and 
 which the landlady accused him 
 of having stolen. 
 
 Of course, the officers found 
 nothing, although they made the 
 closest search in every part of 
 the house; ripping the beds open 
 with their sabres, emptying the 
 
158 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 drawers on the floors, scattering 
 the old family linen, which had 
 not been unfolded for years, and 
 leaving everything in the wildest 
 disorder and confusion. 
 
 While all this was going on, the 
 poor mother was undergoing the 
 torments of agony, for fear the 
 missing objects might be found 
 in her house, and her boy be 
 proved a thief. She told me after- 
 wards that the shame which 
 came over her, on that terrible 
 occasion, could never fade from 
 her heart, and would accompany 
 her to the grave. 
 
 No wonder the poor soul felt a 
 pang of terror when the Blues 
 halted in front of her door a sec- 
 ond time, and so soon, too, after 
 their first and unwelcome visit. 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 159 
 
 VIII. 
 
 I Get in Teouble. 
 
 However, their business was not 
 with her this time. The one in 
 command, a brigadier, threw the 
 reins of his horse to his com- 
 panion, and, advancing towards 
 me, and calling me by my name, 
 said, very politely : "It seems you 
 did not pay your fare, on the dili- 
 gence from Marseilles, the other 
 day." 
 
 It was now my turn to blush. 
 I tried to explain the case to him 
 as calmly as I could; but, some- 
 how, I first hesitated, then stam- 
 mered, and finally got beautifully 
 tangled up. The presence of all 
 
160 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 those new friends of mine, with 
 their eyes riveted on me, made 
 me nervous, too, while the scru- 
 tinizing look of the gendarmes, 
 with their implied reflections on 
 my honesty, made my blood 
 tingle with indignation. 
 
 My excitement increased with 
 the fancy that the Blues were 
 enjoying my confusion, as they 
 stood there staring at me, with 
 cocked hats, like generals on 
 parade, swallow-tail coats lined 
 with red, cords and tassels dang- 
 ling all over their breasts and 
 shoulders, and with high-top boots 
 and clinking spurs, and big 
 swords hanging by their sides, to 
 say nothing of a brace of pistols 
 and a carbine resting in their 
 holsters on each saddle ; whilst the 
 
A TRANSPOETATION EPISODE. 161 
 
 horses themselves — big, fat and 
 sleek — seemed to realize their own 
 importance, and tried to look as 
 imposing as their masters. 
 
 And what was all this indig- 
 nity heaped upon me for ? Because 
 a stupid conductor had failed to ask 
 me for the fare, which I was 
 only too willing and ready to 
 pay. I happened to think, at the 
 moment, how many times, during 
 my ups and downs in America, 
 I had deadheaded my way on 
 freight trains, and for longer dis- 
 tances than that, too, and the 
 president of the railroad had 
 never taken the trouble to dis- 
 patch living arsenals on horse- 
 back after me to collect the fare. 
 
162 A TBANSPOETATION EPISODE. 
 
 IX. 
 
 The Beigadibh. 
 
 What did the diligence people 
 mean, anyway? Did they charge 
 me with a desire to rob them? 
 Did they suppose that a man 
 coming from America was not 
 able to pay his fare? On the im- 
 pulse of the moment, I put my 
 hand in my pocket, and foolishly 
 pulled out a handful of gold, 
 which I flourished, with much 
 conceit, before the eyes of the 
 astonished peasants. Doubtless, in 
 my agitation, I might have kept 
 on in this way, and made myself 
 still more ridiculous, had I not 
 just then caught sight of the 
 
A TEANSPOETATION EPISODE. 163 
 
 brigadier's countenance. There 
 was such a merry twinkle in his 
 eye, and such a hearty, good- 
 natured smile overspreading all 
 his features, that my irritation 
 vanished instantly, like mist be- 
 fore the rays of the sun. 
 
 "With kind words and affable 
 manners, he came graciously to 
 my rescue, explaining how the 
 conductor, having discovered his 
 mistake, had requested the gen- 
 darmerie to look me up, and ask 
 me for the amount; a request, he 
 said, which he was not at liberty 
 to disregard. He advised me, 
 however, to wait until I went to 
 the city, when I could pay the 
 money at headquarters myself, 
 and, by the same occasion, enter 
 a complaint against the blunder- 
 ing conductor. 
 
164 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 The brigadier was a fine-looking 
 fellow, of good manners and genial 
 disposition. He readily conquered 
 my sympathy, as well as my 
 gratitude, for helping me out of a 
 situation which, with a less accom- 
 modating officer, might have in- 
 volved me into no end of trouble. 
 
 The unpleasantness having been 
 all explained away, I shook hands 
 very heartily with the two offi- 
 cers ; then all my country friends 
 shook hands with me, and con- 
 gratulated me, under their breath, 
 on my narrow escape. 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 165 
 
 Toasting Monsietje L'Amebicain. 
 
 My worthy old lady friend was so 
 overjoyed, when we assured her 
 it was all right, that she forgot 
 how terribly the Blues had just 
 frightened her, for the second 
 time, and insisted that Monsieur 
 le Brigadier and Monsieur le Gen- 
 darme must accept some refresh- 
 ments. The latter had not the 
 least objection. Accordingly, a 
 table was spread under the big 
 tree, and the whole party sat 
 down to a regular peasants' lunch. 
 Of course, the best cask in the 
 cellar had to be tapped for the 
 occasion. A big brown pitcher, 
 
166 A TBANSPOETATION EPISODE. 
 
 filled to the brim with a light-col- 
 ored, but treacherous, sour wine, 
 was soon passing round, from 
 hand to hand, and was kept going 
 pretty lively, too ; for the black rye 
 bread, the cheese, made of goat's 
 milk, and the delicious pistaches 
 (paper-shell almonds), were rather 
 dry, and required to be washed 
 down with frequent draughts. 
 
 The result was that, in an in- 
 credible short space of time, every- 
 body was in high glee. The brig- 
 adier, with perfect gallantry, was 
 drinking the health of our vener- 
 able hostess, the gendarme was 
 seconding the motion, I was toast- 
 ing the brigadier, and the peas- 
 ants, in a body, were repeatedly 
 emptying their glasses to Monsieur 
 I'Americain. 
 
A TRANSPOKTATION EPISODE. 167 
 
 Finally, our little picnic came 
 to an end, amid general happiness 
 and good-will all around. The 
 brigadier kindly invited me to 
 dine with him the next day, at 
 his barracks, in the chief town of 
 the Canton, only a few miles away. 
 He confided to me, with commend- 
 able pride, that his wife was an 
 accomplished cook, a " cordon bleu," 
 he called her. I gladly accepted 
 his invitation, and was on hand 
 at the appointed hour. I found 
 he had not at all overestimated 
 the culinary abilities of his good 
 wife. The dinner was thoroughly 
 enjoyable, and their society still 
 more so. 
 
168 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 XI. 
 
 EXCUESIONS WITH THE GeNDAEMES. 
 
 After this, my relations with the 
 jolly chief and his little brigade of 
 four men, became quite intimate. 
 They were good enough to put a 
 horse at my disposal; and I had 
 the pleasure of accompanying 
 them, on several of their rounds, 
 throughout the district, which was 
 a pretty large one, comprising, as 
 it did, over a dozen small villages 
 and hamlets, some of them 
 perched away up on the moun- 
 tain peaks. 
 
 Our excursions generally wound 
 up at some prosperous farm-house, 
 or at the mayor's, or the cure's; 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 169 
 
 but, wherever we stopped, we were 
 sure to be treated to the best of 
 everything. The people seemed to 
 think that nothing was too good 
 for the gendarmes. The poor 
 feared them, the rich respected 
 them, and everybody looked upon 
 them as the very embodiment of 
 order, good government and law. 
 For my part, I could not see 
 that their presence was at all 
 necessary, to preserve the public 
 peace ; for, a more orderly, honest, 
 frugal and industrious population, 
 it would be difficult to find any- 
 where in the world. It even 
 seemed to me that they used 
 their great influence, over the in- 
 habitants, a little too often for 
 the purpose of getting at the 
 good things in the larder, by 
 
170 A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 scaring them unnecessarily, and 
 for trifling things, as I had occa- 
 sion to witness in several cases, 
 besides my own. 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 171 
 
 XII. 
 
 I Talk Politics, Unfortunately. 
 
 Be that as it may, between the 
 family of my schoolmate, the 
 kind-hearted peasants and the 
 obliging officers, my stay in the 
 mountains was being made as 
 pleasant as possible. The brigadier 
 himself was a most charming 
 companion. I never tired of list- 
 ening to his stirring narratives 
 of his experiences during the 
 Franco-German war; for he had 
 been all through the campaign. 
 My intercourse with him was 
 marked with perfect cordiality 
 and good-fellowship until, in an 
 evil hour, we talked politics. It 
 
172 A TKANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 was in the only cafe of the town, 
 and in the presence of a large 
 crowd, for the place. I can't un- 
 derstand what ill wind impelled 
 him. He called on me to explain, 
 for the benefit of the audience, 
 how political campaigns are car- 
 ried on in America. I demurred; 
 he pressed me until finally I con- 
 sented to tell them, the best way 
 I could, about the American way 
 of electing a president; dwelling, 
 as I went on, on the beauties of a 
 republican form of government, 
 where all men are equal, and 
 where the chief magistrate is 
 only the first servant of the na- 
 tion. I noticed that my hearers 
 acted somewhat strangely, look- 
 ing at one another, then at the 
 brigadier, then at me, in a sort 
 
A TEANSPORTATION EPISODE. 173 
 
 of constraint. Turning to the 
 brigadier, I was startled to see 
 the expression of his face; it was 
 fairly green with suppressed anger. 
 He was an enthusiastic Bona- 
 partist, and I had been ignorant 
 of it until that very minute! 
 
174 A TEANSPOETATION EPISODE. 
 
 XIII. 
 
 It is Different in Fbance. 
 
 I WAS grieved, beyond expres- 
 sion, at my lack of perspicacity 
 in not discovering his politics 
 before. 
 
 I endeavored to correct my mis- 
 take. I tried to soothe the fierce 
 political passion I had stirred up 
 in his breast. I attempted to 
 turn the whole thing into a joke. 
 All in vain. His face was livid. 
 His eyes were bloodshot. 
 
 I called for more wine, and 
 urged him to join in with the 
 rest of the crowd. He did not 
 even notice my request. 
 
 Instinctively, I recalled, in my 
 
A TRANSPORTATION EPISODE. 175 
 
 mind, my experiences during some 
 of the political campaigns in 
 America, in which I had taken 
 part more than once. I thought 
 of the political adversaries abus- 
 ing one another like thieves; 
 picking each other to pieces on 
 the hustings ; then exchanging a 
 chew of tobacco, or going out to 
 take a drink together, like old 
 friends. 
 
 "Truly," said I to myself, 
 "whether in transportation or in 
 politics, they do these things dif- 
 ferently in France." 
 
176 A TEANSPORTATION EPISODE. 
 
 XIV. 
 
 I Take My Leave. 
 
 The situation had now become 
 painful all around. 
 
 Consequently, I took my leave, 
 as soon as I could decently do so; 
 not, however, without extending 
 my hand to the brigadier, as 
 usual. But, whether inadvert- 
 ently, or otherwise, he failed to 
 grasp it, and I went away much 
 chagrined. 
 
 I left the country a few days 
 afterwards. Before going, I called 
 on him, and offered an earnest 
 apology for any involuntary of- 
 fense I might have given him, as 
 well as my heartiest thanks for 
 
A TEANSPOETATION EPISODE. 177 
 
 the many favors I had received 
 at his hands. On parting, I 
 offered him my hand again. 
 After a painful effort on his part, 
 he took it, and even tried to 
 smile as he returned my adieux. 
 But it was neither the grasp nor 
 the smile of old. The cloud was 
 too heavy; it could not be lifted. 
 * 
 
 After that, I was very careful 
 not to talk politics, for one thing, 
 and to always pay my fare, 
 for another — until I returned to 
 America, of course.