her Vi^fteV. CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND GIVEN IN 1891 BY HENRY WILLIAMS SAGE Cornell University Library PN 6161. L321 Young immigrunts / 3 1924 027 252 513 The original of tliis bool< is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924027252513 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS Z>U duXk^y^.^ '!@<^* The Young Immigrunts By RING W. LARDNER, Jr. WITH A PREFACE BY THE FATHER Portraits by Gaar Williams INDIANAPOLIS THE BOBBS-MERRILL COMPANY PUBLISHERS Copyright 1920 The Curtis Publishing Company Copyright 1920 The Bobbs-Merrill Company Printed in the United States of America a. . ff ^ ^// .5 pRies or BRAUNWORTH ft OO. ■OOK MANUFACTURKHB BROOKLYN. H. V. CONTENTS CHAPTER PAGE Preface by the Father . . . ix 1 My Parents 13 2 Starting Gaily 19 3 Erie Lake 29 4 Buffalo to Rochester 76.4 . . 39 5 My Father's Idear .... 44 6 Syracuse to Hudson 183.2 . . 50 7 Hudson 63 8 Hudson to Yonkers 106.5 . . 71 9 The Bureau of Manhattan . 76 10 N. Y. to Grenitch 500.0 , . 78 11 How It Ended 82 '*^'4r' LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS PAGE The Author Frontispiece The Rest of the Family 15 Granmother at Goshen 21 Uncle Bill 25 Uncle and Ant in Detroit 31 The Bride and Glum 35 The Man with the Adams Apple ... 41 The Dirty Mechanic 47 Dr. and Mrs. Heywood 53 The Policeman at Albany 59 A Man of 12 Years 65 TheLanlady 69 The Policeman at New Rochelle ... 79 Our nurse 83 PREFACE npHE person whose name is signed ■■■ to this novel was born on the nineteenth day of August, 1915, and was therefore four years and three months old when the manuscript was found, late in November, 1919. The narrative is substantially true, with the following exceptions: 1. "My Father," the leading char- acter in the work, is depicted as a man of short temper, whereas the person from whom the character was drawn is in reality as pleasant a fellow as one would care to meet and seldom has a cross word for any one, let alone women and chil- dren. 2. The witty speeches accredited ix X PREFACE to "My Father" have, possibly owing to the limitations of a child's mem- ory, been so garbled and twisted that they do not look half so good in print as they sounded in the open air. 3. More stops for gas were made than are mentioned in the story. As the original manuscript was written on a typewriter with a rather frayed ribbon, and as certain words were marked out and others hand- written in, I have taken the liberty of copying the entire work with a fresh ribbon and the inclusion of the changes which the author indicated in pencil in the first draft. Other- wise the story is presented to the reader exactly as it was first set down. The Father. THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS The Young Immigrunts CHAPTER 1 My Parents MY parents are both married and i of them are very good looking. The balance is tall and skiny and has a swarty complex- ion with moles but you hardily ever notice them on account of your gaze being rapped up in his feet which would be funny if brewity wasnt the soul of wit. Everybody says I have his eyes and I am glad it didnt half to be something else tho RoUie Zei- der the ball player calls him owl eyes for a nick name but if I was Rollie 13 14 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS Zeider and his nose I wouldnt pick on somebodys else features. He wears pretty shirts which he bought off of another old ball player Artie Hofman to attrack tension off of his feet and must of payed a big price for them I heard my ant tell my uncle when they thorght I was a sleep down to the lake tho I guess he pays even more for his shoes if they sell them by the frunt foot. I was bom in a hospittle in Chi- cago 4 years ago and liked it very much and had no idear we were go- ing to move till 1 day last summer I heard my mother arsk our nurse did she think she could get along 0. K. with myself and 3 brothers John Jimmie and David for 10 days wilst she and my old man went east to look for a costly home. (E z2) CE 3j (&z ^ (£ 3) /Ait.(^it^^o^l^ ^f^^^Xj MY PARENTS 17 Well yes said our nurse barshf ully. I may as well exclaim to the reader that John is 7 and Jimmie is 5 and I am 4 and David is almost nothing as yet you might say and tho I was named for my father they call me Bill thank God. The conversation amungst my mother and our nurse took place right after my father came back from Toledo where Jack Dempsey knocked Jessie Willard for a gool tho my father liked the big fellow and bet on him. David was in his bath at the time and my mother and our nurse and myself and 2 elder brothers was standing around admireing him tho I notice that when the rest of the family takes their bath they dont make open house of the occassion. 18 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS Well my parents went east and dureing their absents myself and brothers razed hell with David on the night shift but when they come back my mother said to the nurse were they good boys. Fine replid our nurse lamely and where are you going to live. Connecticut said my mother. Our nurse forced a tired smile. Here we will leave my parents to unpack and end this chapter. CHAPTER 2 Starting Gaily TTJ 7E spent the rest of the summer ^ * on my granmother in Indiana and my father finley went to the worst series to write it up as he has followed sports of all sorts for years and is a expert so he bet on the wite BOX and when he come home he acted rarther cross. Well said my mother simperingly I suppose we can start east now. We will start east when we get good and ready said my father with a lordly sneeze. The next thing was how was we going to make the trip as my father had boughten a new car that the 19 20 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS cheepest way to get it there was drive it besides carrying a grate deal of our costly bagage but if all of us went in it they would be no room left for our costly bagage and besides 2 of my brothers always acts like devils incarnite when they get in a car so my mother said to our nurse. If you think you can manage the 2 older boys and David on the train myself and husband will take Bill in the car said my mother to our nurse. Fine replid our nurse with a gast- ly look witch my mother did not see. Myself and parents left Goshen Indiana on a fine Monday morning leaveing our nurse and brothers to come latter in the weak on the rail- way. Our plans was to reach Detroit that night and stop with my unde (5 ^ fi^U»^»i-*^/»M<^Z3SJfc^ etXT (2,exyAjiy^. STARTING GAILY 23 and ant and the next evening take the boat to Buffalo and thence to Connecticut by motor so the first town we past through was Middle- bury. Elmer Flick the old ball player use to live here said my father modestly. My mother forced a smile and soon we were acrost the Michigan line and my mother made the remark that she was thirsty. We will stop at Coldwater for lunch said my father with a strata face as he pulls most of his lines without changeing expressions. Sure enough we puled up to 1 side of the road just after leaveing Cold- water and had our costly viands of frid chicken and doughnuts and milk femished by my grate ant and of witch I partook freely. 24 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS We will stop at Ypsilanti for sup- per said my father in calm tones that is where they have the state normal school. I was glad to hear this and hoped we would get there before dark as I had always wanted to come in con- tack with normal peaple and see what they are like and just at dusk we entered a large size town and drove past a large size football field. Heavens said my mother this must be a abnormal school to have such a large football field. My father wore a qeer look. This is not Ypsilanti this is Ann Arbor he crid. But I thorght you said we would go south of Ann Arbor and direct to Ypsilanti said my mother with a smirk. (5 ^ u^x^cjex (f^i^ STARTING GAILY 27 I did say that but I thorght I would surprise you by comeing into Ann Arbor replid my father with a corse jesture. Personly I think the suprise was unanimous. Well now we are here said my mother we might as well look up Bill. Bill is my uncle Bill so we stoped at the Alfa Delt house and got him and took him down to the hotel for supper and my old man called up Mr. Yost the football coach of the Michi- gan football team and he come down and visited with us. What kind of a team have you got coach said my father lamely. I have got a determined team re- plid Mr. Yost they are determined to not play football. At this junction my unlucky moth- 28 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS er changed the subjeck to the league of nations and it was 10 o'clock be- fore Mr. Yost come to a semi colon 80 we could resume our jumey and by the time we past through Ypsi- lanti the peaple was not only sub- normal but unconsius. It was nerly midnight when we puled up in frunt of my ants and uncles house in De- troit that had been seting up since 7 expecting us. Were sorry to be so late said my mother bruskly. Were awfully glad you could come at all replid my ant with a ill con- sealed yawn. We will now leave my relitives to get some sleep and end this chapter. CHAPTER 3 Erie Lake npHE boat leaves Detroit every ■■■ afternoon at 5 oclock and reachs Buffalo the next morning at 9 tho I would better exclaim to my readers that when it is 9 oclock in Buffalo it is only 8 oclock in Goshen for in- stants as Buffalo peaple are qeer. Well said my father the next morning at brekfus I wander what time we half to get the car on the board of the boat. I will find out down town and call up and let you know replid ray uncle who is a engineer and digs soors or something. Sure enough he called up dureing 29 30 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS the fornoon and said the car must be on the board of the boat at 3 oclock so my father left the house at 2 oclock and drove down to the worf tho he had never drove a car in Detroit before but has nerves of steal Latter my uncle come out to his home and took myself and mother and ant down to the worf where my old man was waiting for us haveing put the car on the board. What have you been doing ever since 3 oclock arsked my mother as it was now nerly 5. Haveing a high ball my father replid. I thorght Detroit was dry said my mother shyly. Did you said my father with a rye smile and as it was now nerly time for the boat to leave we said good <§ ^ C(m.c£jL ^CCA'>*t-*«.^ SYRACUSE TO HUDSON 183.2 61 many signs reading dine at the Big Nose Mountain Inn. Rollie Zeider never told me they had named a mountain after him crid my father and soon we past through Fonda. Soon we past through Amsterdam and I guess I must of dosed off at lease I cant remember anything be- tween there and Schenectady and I must apologize to my readers for my laps as I am unable to ether de- scribe the scenery or report anything that may of been said between these 2 points but I recall that as we en- tered Albany a remark was adrest to me for the first time since lunch. Bill said my mother with a J smirk this is Albany the capital of New York state. So this is Albany I thorght to my- self. 62 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS Who is govemer of New York now arsked my mother to my father. Smith replid my father who seams to know everything. Queer name said my mother sulkily. Soon we puled up along side a policeman who my father arsked how do we get acrost the river to the New York road and if Albany pays their policemans by the word HI say we were in the presents of a rich man and by the time he got through it was dark and still drool- ing and my old man didnt know the road and under those conditions I will not repete the conversation that transpired between Albany and Hud- son but will end my chapter at the city limits of the last named settle- munt. CHAPTER 7 Hudson WE were turing gaily down the main st of Hudson when a man of 12 years capered out from the side walk and hoped on the runing board. Do you want a good garage he arsked with a dirty look. Why yes my good man replid my father tenderly but first where is the best hotel. I will take you there said the man. I must be a grate favorite in Hud- son my father wispered at my mother. Soon foiling the mans directions 63 64 THE YOUNG IMMIGEUNTS we puled up in front of a hotel but when my father went at the register the clerk said I am full tonight. Where do you get it around here arsked my father tenderly. We have no rooms replid the senile clerk paying no tension to my old mans remark but there is a woman acrost the st that takes loggers. Not to excess I hope replid my father but soon we went acrost the st and the woman agrede to hord us for the night so myself and moth- er went to our apartmunts wilst my father and the 12 year old besought the garage. When we finley got re- united and went back to the hotel for supper it was past 8 oclock as a person could of told from the viands. Latter in front of our log- gings we again met the young man /-A^ yPuxnx c^ Tuk£i>^ ,*^SiaAA HUDSON 67 who had welcomed us to Hudson and called my father to 1 side. There is a sailer going to spend the night here he said in a horse wisper witch has walked all the way from his home Schenectady and he has got to report on his ship in New York tomorrow afternoon and has got no money so if he dont get a free ride he will be up vs it. He can ride with us replid my father with a hiccup if tomorrow is anything like today a sailer will not feel out of place in my costly moter. I will tell him replid the man with a corse jesture. Will you call us at f past 5 my mother reqested to our lanlady as we entered our Hudson barracks. I will if I am awake she replid use- ing her handkerchief to some extent 68 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS Latter we wandered how anybody could help from being awake in that hot bed of mones and grones and cat calls and caterwauls and gulish screaks of all kinds and tho we had rose erly at Syracuse and had a day of retchedness we was all more than ready to get up when she wraped on our door long ere day brake. Where is that sailer that stoped here last night quired my father as we was about to make a lordly out- burst. He wouldnt pay his bill and razed hell so I kicked him out replid the lanlady in her bear feet. Without farther adieu my father payed his bill and we walked into the dismul st so I will end this chapter by leaveing the fare lanlady flaping in the door way in her sredded night gown. Q S) C/uA. jCo/njS^LdOj ivx ^^wX^tTVi CHAPTER 8 Hudson to Yonkers 106.5 T T was raining a little so my father ■■■ bad my mother and I stand in the Bt wilst he went to the garage and retained the costly moter. He re- turned J a hour latter with the story that the garage had been locked and he had to go to the props house and roust him out. How did you know where he lived quired my mother barshfully. I used the brains god gave me was my fathers posthumous reply. Soon we rumpled into Rhinebeck and as it was now day light and the rain had siezed we puled up in front of the Beekman arms for brekfus. > 71 72 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS It says this is the oldest hotel in America said my mother reading the programme. The eggs tastes all right replid my father with a corse jesture. What is the next town quired my mother when we again set sale. Pokippsie was my fathers reply. Thats where Vassar is said my mother as my old man stiffled a yawn I wonder if there is a store there that would have a koop for David. I doubt it they ever heard of him said my father dryly how much do they cost. Well I dont know. We entered Pokippsie at lenth and turned to the left up the main Bt and puled up in front of a big store where myself and mother went in and purchased a koop for my little HUDSON TO YONKERS 106.5 73 brother and a kap for me witch only took a J hour dureing witch my father lost his temper and when we finley immerged he was barking like a dog and giveing the Vassar yell. 2 men come out of the store with us and tost the koop with the rest of the junk in the back seat and away we went. Doesnt this look cute on him said my mother in regards to my new kap. What of it replid my father with a grimace and with that we puled into Garrison. Isnt this right acrost the river from West Point said my mother with a gastly look. What of it replid my father ten- derly and soon we found ourselfs in Peekskill. 74 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS This is where that young girl cousin of mine gos to school said my father from Philadelphia. What of it said my mother with a loud cough and presently we stoped and bought 15 gals of gas. I have got a fund of usefuU infor- mation about every town we come to said my father admireingly for in- stants this is Harmon where they take off the steem engines and put on the electric bullgines. My mother looked at him with ill consealed admiration. And what do you know about this town she arsked as we frisked into Ossining. Why this is Ossining where they take off the hair and put on the stripes replid my father qick as a flarsh and the next place is Tarry- HUDSON TO YONKEES 106.5 75 town where John D. Rockefeller has a estate. What is the name of the estate Quired my mother breathlessly. Socony I supose was the sires reply. With that we honked into Yonkers and up the funny looking main st What a funny looking st said my mother and I always thorght it was the home of well to do peaple. Well yes replid my father it is the home of the ruling class at lease Bill Elem the umpire and Bill Langford the referee lives here. I will end my chapter on that one. CHAPTER 9 The Bureau of Manhattan TSN'T it about time said my mother ^ as we past Spuyten Duyvil and entered the Bureau of Manhattan that we made our plans. What plans said my father all my plans is all ready made. Well then you might make me your confident sugested my mother with a quaint smirk. Well then heres the dope uttered my father in a vage tone I am going to drop you at the 125 st station where you will only half to wait 2 hours and a J for the rest of the family as the train from the west is do at 350 at 125 st in the meen wile 76 THE BUREAU OP MANHATTAN 77 I will drive out to Grenitch with Bill and see if the house is ready and etc and if the other peaples train is on time you can catch the 4 4 and I an Bill will meet you at the Grenitch station. If you have time get a qt of milk for David said my mother with a pail look. What kind of milk arsked my dad. Oh sour milk my mother screened. As she was now in a pretty bad temper we will leave her to cool off for 2 hours and a J in the 125 st sta- tion and end this chapter. CHAPTER 10 N. Y. to Grenitch 500.0 npHE lease said about my and my "■- fathers trip from the Bureau of Manhattan to our new home the soonest mended. In some way ether I or he got balled up on the grand concorpse and next thing you know we was thretning to swoop down on Pittsfield. Are you lost daddy I arsked ten- derly. Shut up he explained. At lenth we doubled on our tracks and done much better as we finley hit New Rochelle and puled up along side a policeman with fall- ing archs. 78 (& ^QJ 77ii ^£a;(^S7cAe^(^^^J>aiie.,*u«^ N. Y. TO GRENITCH 500.0 81 What road do I take for Grenitch Conn quired my father with poping eyes. Take the Boston post replid the policeman. I have all ready subscribed to one out of town paper said my father and steped on the gas so we will leave the flat foot gaping after us like a prune fed calf and end this chapter. CHAPTER 11 How It Ended npRUE to our promise we were at -■• the station in Grenitch when the costly train puled in from 125 st Myself and father hoped out of the lordly motor and helped the bulk of the famly off of the train and I aloud our nurse and my 3 brothers to kiss me tho Davids left me rarther moist. Did you have a hard trip my father arsked to our nurse shyly. Why no she replid with a slite stager. She did too said my mother they all acted like little devils. Did you get Davids milk she said turning on my father. 82 (5 S) OouTx. hjuAAlL HOW IT ENDED 85 Why no does he like milk my father replid with a gastly smirk. We got lost mudder I said brok- enly. We did not screened my father and accidently cracked me in the shins with a stray foot. To change the subjeck I turned my tensions on my brother Jimmie who is nerest my age. I've seen our house Jimmie I said brokenly I got here first. Yes but I slept all night on a train and you didnt replid Jimmie with a dirty look. Nether did you said my brother John to Jimmie you was awake all night. Were awake said my mother. Me and David was awake all night and crid said my brother John. 86 THE YOUNG IMMIGRUNTS But I only crid once the whole time said my brother Jimmie. But I didnt cry at all did 1 1 arsked to my mother. So she replid with a loud cough Bill was a very very good boy. So now we will say fare well to the characters in this book. U:^