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 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013452937 
 
RUMBO RHYMES 
 
 OF, THE GREAT COMBINE 
 
 A SATIRE 
 
Billing & Sons, Ltd. 
 Printers, Guildford, England 
 
COn&lNE: A SATIRE ; | 
 RENDERED " INTO PICTURES 
 BY WALTER- • CRANE 4> 
 
 SO- NEW- YORK 
 
 & BROTHERS 
 11 
 
 
 ■ 
 
DEDICATION 
 
 To all the kin of fowl and beast 
 
 Whom I have eaten at a feast. 
 To aunts and cousins of those fish 
 
 Who made for me a toothsome dish. 
 To relatives of gnat and flea 
 
 I've basely slain for biting me : 
 I Dedicate these " Rumbo Rhymes" 
 
 To expiate my awful crimes. 
 
 ALFRED C. CALMOUR 
 
"The kingdom of the Earth's for man- 
 At least he acts upon that plan.'' 
 
 p 13 
 
jfT^^^^ngS 
 
 A great philosopher has said 
 
 — A fellow who has lon^ been dead — 
 " That what seems pink or green to you 
 
 May look to me dark brown or blue : 
 That right or wrong, that lalse or true, 
 
 Depends upon the point of view." 
 To which no sane man on reflection 
 
 Can surely offer an objection. 
 
 15 
 
I he Kingdom of the Earth's for man — 
 At least, he acts upon that plan ; 
 
 Ignoring- all the hopes and wishes 
 
 Of birds and beasts, crabs, eels and 
 fishes, 
 
 Which he has found make dainty dishes. 
 
 It might be when they're boiled or roast, 
 Or served up on some buttered toast, 
 
 They would prefer another way 
 
 Ol passing to the timeless day — 
 
 It ma)' be so — I cannot say. 
 
 16 
 
Though in a pudding or a pie, 
 Or in a stew or tasty fry, 
 
 It may be beautiful to die, 
 
 No man was ever known to try 
 
 I think we know the reason why. 
 
 When you take up that precious book 
 Which teaches many ways to cook, 
 
 What do you seek ? To find some dish 
 To gratify a gourmet's wish — 
 
 It may be meat or fowl or fish. 
 
 17 
 
Do you once give a single thought 
 
 To the poor creatures you have 
 
 caught 
 
 Or been presented with or bought, 
 
 Whose death with agony is fraught ? 
 Of course you don't, but then you ought. 
 
 Men m their purblind selfish dream 
 
 Say, " We are Gods, divine, supreme, 
 You lower creatures are lor us, 
 
 To eat, enjoy, de gustibus ; 
 Accept that fact, don't make a luss." 
 
 iS 
 
" The victims of the pot and pan- 
 Went forth against the tyrant man 
 
' Snakes, locusts, snails, worms, owls and bats. 
 The feline race— stoats, weasels, rats." 
 
In sum, that is the view of man, 
 
 And so he acts upon that plan ; 
 
 And has done since the world began : 
 
 Or since his present graceless shape 
 
 Was modified from Father Ape. 
 
 The time has come when he must learn, 
 Though man may be condemned to 
 burn, 
 That fish and fowl and pigs and kine 
 — Since they have formed a big 
 " combine " — 
 This doubtful honour must decline. 
 
 2 3 
 
Let man then grasp this simple lact, 
 
 And in the future try to act 
 
 Not from his selfish point ol view 
 
 Which is not honest, right or true, 
 But from the point ol view of others 
 
 Who may not be his aunts or 
 brothers. 
 
 II he demurs, we have a plan 
 
 Will play the very deuce with man. 
 
 What that plan is — its " cons and pros " — 
 The Universal Conference shows : 
 
 It's war or peace, soft words or blows. 
 
 24 
 
Throughout the world, a bitter cry 
 
 Of fish, flesh, fowl and other fry, 
 From Russia, Lapland, Greece, Japan, 
 — The victims of the pot and pan- 
 Went lorth against the tyrant, man. 
 
 25 
 
The upshot of this tribulation 
 
 Was to convene a convocation — 
 Long" word, which means they called a 
 meeting 
 Where man could not indulge in 
 eating 
 Or any ol their aims defeating-. 
 
 From hill and dale, from sea and skies 
 Came birds, and beast and fish and 
 flies, 
 Crustaceans, lizards, beetles, fleas, 
 
 Mosquitos — things that sting and 
 tease — 
 The brain)' ant and swarms of bees. 
 
 26 
 
r^-cj 
 
 
 <T~~ 
 
 ' The lobster with his cousin crab 
 Came dressed in purple trimmed with drab.' 
 
' The salmon, sole, the plaice and pike 
 In short, all sorts of fish men like." 
 
Snakes, locusts, snails, worms, owls and 
 bats, 
 
 The feline race — stoats, weasels, rats ; 
 The leopard, lions, bears and foxes 
 
 The absentees had votes by proxies, 
 But all were free from orthodoxies. 
 
 The boar and wolf were there, of course, 
 So were the lynx, the mule and horse ; 
 
 The lobster with his cousin crab 
 
 Came dressed in purple trimmed with 
 drab, 
 
 No longer fearing man would grab. 
 
 31 
 
The salmon, sole, the plaice and pike- 
 In short, all kinds of fish men like— 
 
 The shark came too, so did the whale, 
 A fine display of hn and tail, 
 
 But none of them were up for sale. 
 
 And there were cows and sheep and pigs 
 Grown fat with truffles, mash and figs ; 
 
 Domestic birds — the duck and goose, 
 
 Who just for once were on the loose, 
 
 And so for them pray make excuse. 
 
Of every sort, from every clime, 
 
 They came with reason and with 
 rhyme, 
 
 To formulate a common plan 
 
 To circumvent the gourmand man, 
 
 And on his eating put a ban. 
 
The " chair " was taken by an ape, 
 
 A human Ourang from the Cape ; 
 
 The " vice " deputed was a fox — 
 
 A CLinninQ- one at bars and locks — 
 
 rhouoh votes were given for the ox. 
 
 The speakers had no time to waste, 
 
 And set to work m double haste ; 
 
 \\ nen man was mentioned, beasts and 
 fowls 
 Broke out in loud discordant howls — 
 
 A deafening- dm ol grunts and growls. 
 
 34 
 
: • J . v T v , :- _^fi£ iJ- 
 
 'The chair' was taken by an Ape, 
 A human Ourang from the Cape." 
 
 p. 35. 
 
" And all of them obeyed the speaker, 
 Excspt an Irish porcine squeaker." 
 
 p 37. 
 
To put an end to this disorder 
 
 The " Chair " and " Vice " called 
 " Order, Order ! " 
 
 And all of them obeyed the speaker 
 Except an Irish porcine squeaker, 
 
 And no one thought he could be meeker. 
 
 A well-bred horse was first to speak 
 
 In nods and neighs which would be 
 Greek 
 
 To many of those round the table, 
 
 But for exemption from the fable 
 
 Which punished man for building Babel. 
 
 39 
 
With power and passion and with grief 
 He pleaded hard for swift relief 
 
 From those who had control at races, 
 Who regulated all their paces, 
 
 And loaded them with dire disgraces. 
 
 When they were racing to the full 
 
 A jockey — bribed — would slyly "pull," 
 
 Or in a circle near the "rail" 
 
 Where the poor horse must surely 
 fail 
 
 And so be beaten by a tail. 
 
 4 o 
 
A London cart-horse without blinker 
 Deplored the noisy motor stinker, 
 
 Which belched forth such a fearful smell 
 That if one were not brought up 
 well 
 
 Might make you wish them all in H — 1. 
 
 Oi course with beings so refined 
 
 The latter word was in the mind ; 
 
 For language which they knew was coarse 
 A man might use, but not a horse — 
 
 Which shows the " diff ' 'twixt brain and 
 
 force. 
 
 41 
 
After a moment's pause and lull 
 
 Which seemed by contrast deadly 
 dull, 
 The smaller fry, their hearts to ease, 
 
 Called for the ants, and flies and 
 bees, 
 Loiiq- known to mind their O's and P's. 
 
 But all were of a single mind 
 
 That someone nearer human kind 
 
 Should state the case before the house. 
 Loud cries were called for cat and 
 mouse, 
 
 While vulgar bookworms shouted "louse"! 
 
 42 
 
■g*WgWMW » W." ' i' J|',..-X ' )- '| 
 
 ' A well-bred horse was first to speak 
 In nods and neighs which would be Greek." 
 
' But up there rose with grace and ease. 
 The sprightly Sultan of the fleas." 
 
 p 45. 
 
But up there rose with grace and ease 
 The sprightly Sultan of the fleas, 
 
 Exclaiming with a thrice armed might 
 Which only comes with truth and 
 right, 
 
 " I will recount our daily fight ! 
 
 " The Cockneys come with song and band 
 To foul our homes upon the sand ; 
 
 With dance and shriek the air is rent 
 Where all before was sweet content 
 
 Until their money has been spent. 
 
 47 
 
" So all these raucous blatant curs 
 
 We bite and stab with two -heeled 
 spurs !" 
 
 At this there was a mighty roar 
 
 Such as was never heard before, 
 
 Some learned in French cried out 
 " Encore !" 
 
 Then there uprose a common fly 
 
 Who lately was condemned to die, 
 
 And had been called a fearful pest 
 Because he fed with keener zest 
 
 On some bald pate where food was best. 
 
 48 
 
" Why don't men place some dainties 
 
 nice 
 
 " Some toasted cheese !" exclaimed 
 the mice. 
 " For that flies do not care a rap, 
 
 It might do for a mouse's trap ; 
 But we are wise — ha, ha ! — verb sap. 
 
 " Besides, men spread such horrid lies 
 About diseases brought by flies ; 
 
 All our complaints we catch from men 
 Who take a bath but now and then 
 
 And live in homes mure like a den. 
 
 49 
 
" For man to think he is supreme 
 
 Is but a shallow brao-o-art's dream. 
 
 The smallest atom in his eye 
 
 Will make him curse and howl and 
 cry 
 
 And think that he is going to die. 
 
 " Man is supreme in tricks and lies, 
 Which one and all of us despise ; 
 
 1 he only thing he shows a zest in 
 
 Is when he has a friend or euest in 
 
 Whom he can cheat and get the best in. 
 
 50 
 
1 It might do for a mouse's trap, 
 But we are wise — ha-ha — 'verb-sap.' 
 
" But as he still would try to speak, 
 A starling took him in his beak." 
 
 p. S3. 
 
" His one design in doing trade 
 
 Is how much profit can be made. 
 
 He'll sell the public stock and share, 
 He'd sell his mother if he dare, 
 
 And ' cheek ' to him is savoir faired 
 
 Now, deadly jealous of the fly, 
 
 Who only stopped through being dry, 
 
 There rose to move, by way of rider, 
 A little upstart money-spider ; 
 
 But all cried, " Down ! down, down, out- 
 sider !" 
 
 55 
 
But as he still would try to speak, 
 A starling- took him in his beak, 
 
 And then, forgetful of good breeding 
 
 — The Chairman's rulino- never 
 heeding — 
 
 He thought the time had come for feeding. 
 
 56 
 
When all ol them had gained composure 
 From witnessing this drastic "closure" 
 
 — Which might be used four days a week 
 When M.P.'s in the Commons 
 speak — 
 
 This application of the beak. 
 
 57 
 
For there each member thinks of self, 
 And all strive hard for place and 
 pelf; 
 
 While some tomfool exploits a notion — 
 Some plan to regulate the ocean 
 
 Or stop a famine with a lotion. 
 
 The crab exclaimed, " O, what disgrace, 
 That we of a more ancient race 
 
 Should be the sport and food of man 
 Who, built upon a shoddy plan, 
 
 Was ' plasm ' when our life began !" 
 
 58 
 
' The crab exclaimed ' O what disgrace, 
 That we of a more ancient race ' " 
 
" An elephant declared that he 
 Would always be man's enemy." 
 
" Was ' plasm ' then — is ' plasm ' still, 
 
 Without free thought, without free 
 will. 
 
 Compounded of a Chemist's shop, 
 
 With here a solid, there a drop !" 
 
 The weasel cried out with a pop. 
 
 An elephant declared that he 
 
 Would always be man's enemy. 
 
 He found that every kind of work 
 
 The lazy wretch would skimp and 
 shirk 
 
 Anel spend his time in pub or kirk. 
 
 63 
 
Man only took the fullest measure 
 
 In doing things that gave him 
 pleasure ; 
 For every other blessed day 
 
 He knocked off work and went to 
 play 
 
 While " striking " for a rise in Pc 
 
 \> 
 
 Pay- 
 
 Why should they be the tool and slave 
 Of such a selfish, boastful knave, 
 
 Who would have all of them believe 
 
 His " Pa " was Adam, "Ma" was 
 Eve, 
 
 While he was laughing up his sleeve ? 
 
 64 
 
" We know the garden where they dwelt !" 
 
 Exclaimed a little frisky smelt. 
 " Know it, indeed," broke out the mole, 
 
 " My kindred lived there in a hole 
 Before mankind had heard of coal." 
 
 A wild duck said that in the sky 
 Twas now impossible to fly. 
 
 A thing they called an aeroplane, 
 
 Or something like it, made of cane, 
 
 Was causing them a lot of pain. 
 
 65 
 
A cumbrous thing of wheels and spars, 
 Of wings and ring's and bolts and 
 bars. 
 They had no haunt to " bill ' and love 
 When down beneath or up above 
 Were shouts of " Hold on !" " Lift her !" 
 41 Shove !" 
 
 They did not mind the old balloon, 
 
 Because to g-nel it came quite soon. 
 
 Besides, it never could be steered 
 
 — -The sport of every wind that 
 veered — 
 
 But this new thing was strange and weird. 
 
 66 
 
*e 
 
 ' A wild duck said that in the sky 
 'Twas now impossible to fly." 
 
 p. 67. 
 
< 
 
 ,$ 
 
 t. 
 
 v.; 
 
 1 
 
 ' i i 
 
 ■ < 
 
 
 
 ' Said pretty Polly, as she woke, 
 ' He-haw — that's true ! ' exclaimed the moke." 
 
 p. 69. 
 
No element was safe from man, 
 
 Who must receive the meeting's ban. 
 
 To this they one and all agreed, 
 
 And spoke of ways they could be 
 freed 
 
 From this obnoxious hateful breed. 
 
 Some views were given by the rat, 
 
 And by his quondam foe the cat. 
 
 The former said that since the raid 
 To move about he was afraid, 
 
 Or eat the poisoned morsels laid. 
 
 71 
 
Against their base inanity, 
 
 Their selfishness and vanity, 
 Railed possum, sable, ermin, mink, 
 
 A Russian lamb as black as ink 
 Which gave "one furiously to think." 
 
 " For us," cried one, " they do not care, 
 They take our skins and leave us 
 bare : 
 Decked out like ' pampered popinjays 
 
 In low-necked frocks and tightdaced 
 stays 
 They passed their time in wicked ways," 
 72 
 
Who has not of the proverb heard : 
 
 " Fine feathers make a handsome 
 bird ?" 
 " They take our wings for hat and toque," 
 
 Said pretty Polly, as she woke. 
 " He-haw — that true !" exclaimed the 
 moke. 
 
 It was the universal wish 
 
 That they should hear the views of 
 fish. 
 Some species man preferred to eat 
 
 When tired of pheasant, fowl, or 
 meat : 
 And so a sole performed the feat. 
 
 73 
 
With soulful sigh the sole began : 
 
 " Our common enemy is man " 
 
 He spoke no more although he tried, 
 Quite overcome, he only cried, 
 
 And thought of kindred boiled and fried. 
 
 The salmon, turbot, brill and pike, 
 
 Declared at man they all must strike. 
 
 So thought the cod, the trout and whiting. 
 And other fish that men delight in 
 
 Said for their lives they must be 
 fighting. 
 
 74 
 
" With soulful sigh he thus began, 
 ' Our common enemy is man.' " 
 
' His submarines now plough the deep. 
 And wake us when we try to sleep." 
 
 p. 77. 
 
While writhing as he spoke, the eel 
 
 Said, " Man, if' skinned, perhaps: might 
 feel." 
 
 " Feel !" cried the lobster, turning hot, 
 "He might when boiling in a pot, 
 
 Or else he will not care a jot !" 
 
 " Mankind," began an angry shark, 
 " Of chivalry has not a spark. 
 
 His submarines now plough the deep 
 
 And wake us when we try to sleep, 
 
 But as men sow, so they shall reap." 
 
 79 
 
The Chairman next called on a bird. 
 
 And said 'twas time they should be 
 heard. 
 
 A turkey, goose and guinea-hen, 
 
 Affirmed their troubles came from 
 
 men 
 
 In language which defies the pen. 
 
 80 
 
A rabbit said he had objection 
 
 To taste the joys of vivisection : 
 
 If man would save his precious skin 
 Let him dissect his nearest kin, 
 
 And probe their nerves from heel to chin. 
 
 81 
 
Or if a white man they did lack 
 
 Their "serums' they should make 
 from black. 
 From brother -black whom they would 
 teach 
 That Christians practise what they 
 preach 
 And pain is pleasure though you screech. 
 
 A lion, roaring in his rage, 
 
 Suggested hot irons and a cage : 
 
 Which tiger, wolf, and grizzly bear 
 Acclaimed as just and only lair 
 
 On those who plunged them in despair. 
 
 82 
 
' A turkey, goose and guinea hen 
 Affirmed their troubles came from men. 
 
 p. 83. 
 
" A lion roaring in his rage, 
 Suggested hot irons and a cage.' 
 
" Without a doubt it's very plain 
 
 The human thinks we have no 
 brain. 
 
 Or just enough to ' loop the loop,' 
 
 And with a wretched circus troupe 
 
 Go fooling through a paper hoop." 
 
 The ape then called upon the worm, 
 
 And thus he spoke in accents firm 
 
 " Man is a monster filled with pride, 
 A decadent we should deride 
 
 Who only worships his inside." 
 
 87 
 
" He 'worships' self!" exclaimed the snail, 
 Who, with the whelk, began to rail 
 
 And curse the very name of man — 
 
 While wondering in Creation's plan 
 
 What use he was — this " Calaban." 
 
 The worm not only turned, but shook ; 
 
 And squirmed as it upon a hook. 
 In turn there spoke the oyster, frog, 
 
 The shrimp, the limpit, and the hog. 
 Man had no friend — except the dog. 
 
 88 
 
The dog, not only at this meeting- 
 Forgot the kicks and daily beating, 
 
 But said that man was not so bad — 
 " Eccentric — p'raps — a little mad, 
 
 And too much prone to whim and fad. 
 
 " But still, you know, he might be worse." 
 The rest was drowned in howl and 
 curse. 
 
 The "Chair" and "Vice" for order cried— 
 That no one's views must they deride. 
 
 The faithful " bow-wow " only sighed. 
 
 89 
 
When order reigned, the Chairman spoke 
 And said : " We have not met to 
 joke. 
 
 We are assembled here en masse 
 To chastise that inflated ass 
 
 We know as man — but let that pass. 
 
 "In consultation with the 'Vice' 
 I have evolved a plan so nice 
 
 That one and all you will agree 
 
 To try it and be once more free 
 
 To eat and drink when on the spree.'' 
 
 90 
 
' The worm not only turned but shook. 
 And squirmed as if upon a hook." 
 
_L Mir- 1 i i if 
 
 
 
 «5fc 
 
 
 h> 
 
 ? 
 
 " Man had no friend except the dog.' 
 
The ape received a hearty greeting- : 
 
 Then silence feel upon the meeting 
 
 As thus he told his simple plan 
 
 To brine to reason selfish man — 
 
 Who heeding not should feel the ban. 
 
 95 
 
" Our microbe and bacilli hordes 
 
 We'll send among their noble lords ; 
 
 Among their peasants, priests and princes, 
 And sicken them with pills and 
 minces 
 
 When they cry out for grapes and quinces. 
 
 " We'll rack their bones, enlarge their liver ; 
 
 We'll scald and gall and make them 
 
 shiver. 
 
 With headache, toothache, gumboils, gout, 
 
 We'll make them howl and rave and 
 
 shout, 
 
 Not knowing what they are about. 
 
 9 6 
 
"In every blessed thing they eat 
 
 Of fish or fowl or butcher's meat, 
 
 They shall perceive a hidden foe — 
 
 Some deadly germ to lay them low 
 
 And kill them at a single blow. 
 
 " We'll make them see their wicked ways 
 And teach them sell dove never 
 pays. 
 
 We'll fill their hearts with deadly fears 
 And poison all their wines and beers, 
 
 Not heeding' groans or sighs or tears. 
 
 97 
 
" Their appetites we'll take away, 
 
 They shall not have the wish to 
 play ; 
 
 Inside and out we'll scratch and tease 
 
 And onlv give them peace and ease 
 
 When we have brought them to their 
 
 kn 
 
 ees. 
 
 So, man, beware — we give you warning, 
 d he time has passed lor sneer and 
 
 scorning ; 
 
 Be merciful to fleas and flies. 
 
 The man who heeds not, simply 
 dies — 
 i Hie jacet' marking where he lies." 
 
 9 8 
 
«... 
 
 
 
 
 jyA 
 
 ■rrnhriim •" - i ffi- -ft- ■*■ 
 
 ' The man who heeds not simply dies, 
 'Hie jacet' marking where he lies." 
 
"