DATE DUE m% E ^ -m ^^^m^. -mi^ 19'A M ^ jytizgdJTSHE FgB^ "*t ' ^ ' 4 6 i»fiiw m i ' "^ ^^' - Cornell University Library PR4713.B11 1904 The Bab ballads, with which are included 3 1924 013 457 704 Cornell University Library The original of tliis book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924013457704 THE BAB BALLADS MACMILLAN AND CO., Limited LONDON ■ BOMBAY • CALCUTTA • MADRAS MELBOURNE THE MACMILLAN COMPANY NEW YORK - BOSTON - CHICAGO DALLAS ■ SAN FRANCISCO THE MACMILLAN CO. OF CANADA. Ltd TORONTO The Bab Ballads WITH WHICH ARE INCLUDED SONGS OF A SAVOYARD W. S. GILBERT WITH 350 ILLUSTRATIONS BY THE AUTHOR MACMILLAN AND CO., LIMITED ST. MARTIN'S STREET, LONDON 1924 H no'- COPYRIGHT Transferred to Macmillan and Co. ^ Ltd., 1904 Sixth Edition 1904 Repfinicd i^o6, 190B, 1910, 1912, 1914, 1917. i9I9j ^9=0) 1922) 1924 ;,7> PRINTED IN GREAT BRITAIN AUTHOR'S NOTE About thirty years since, several of " The Bab Ballads " (most of which had appeared, from time to time, in the pages of Fun) were collected by me, and published by Messrs. George Routledge and Sons. This volume passed through several editions, and, in due course, was followed by a second series under the title of "More Bab Ballads," which achieved a popularity equal to that of its pre- decessor. Subsequently, excerpts were made from these two volumes, and, under the title of "Fifty Bab Ballads," had a very considerable sale ; but I soon discovered that in making the selection for this volume I had discarded certain Ballads that were greater favourites with my readers than with me. Nevertheless this issue was followed by many editions, English and American, of "Bab Ballads," "More Bab Ballads," and "Fifty Bab Ballads," to the no little bewilderment of such of the public as had been good enough to concern themselves with my verses. So it became desirable (for our own private ends) that this confusion should be definitely cleared up ; and thus it came to pass that a reissue of the two earlier collections, in one volume, lyas decided upon. v Author's Note • Some seven years since, I collected the most popular of the songs and ballads which I had written for the series of light operas with which my name is associated, and published them under the title of " Songs of a Savoyard." It recently occurred to me that these songs had so much in common with " The Bab Ballads " that it might be advisable to weld the two books into one. This is, briefly, the history of the present volume. I have always felt that many of the original illustrations to " The Bab Ballads " erred gravely in the direction of unneces.sary extravagance. This defect I have endeavoured to correct through the medium of the two hundred new drawings which I have designed for this volume. I am afraid I cannot claim for them any other recommendation. W. S. GILBERT. Grim's Dyke, Harrow Weald, 4//i December 1897. CONTENTS Captain Reece 1 o I The Darned Mounseer t 6 The Rival Curates 8 The Englishman 13 Only a Dancing Girl 14 The Disagreeable Man i6 General John . i8 The Coming By-and-By 22 To A Little Maid . 24 The Highly Respectable Gondolier 26 John and Freddy . 28 The Fairy Queen's Song 32 Sir Guy the Crusader . 34 Is Life a Boon ? . . . . 38 Haunted 39 The Modern Major-General . 42 The Bishop and the 'Busman 44 The Heavy Dragoon 49 The Troubadour 51 Proper Pride . . 56 Ferdinando and Elvira or, the Gentle Pieman 58 The Policeman's Lot . 63 Lorenzo de Lardy . . . 64 The Baffled Grumbler . ( 69 VII Contents Disillusioned .... The House of Peers Babette's Love A Merry Madrigal To MY Br[DE .... The Duke and the Duchess . The Folly of Brown Eheu Fugaces — ! Sir Macklin .... They'll None of 'em be Missed The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell' Girl Graduates The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo Braid the Raven Hair . The Precocious Baby The Working Monarch . To Phcebe .... The Ape and the Lady . Baines Carew, Gentleman Only Roses .... Thomas Winterbottom Hance The Rover's Apology A Discon'iented Sugar Broker An Appeal ..... The Pantomime " Super" to his Mask The Reward of Merit . The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, and the Goblin The Magnet and the Churn King Borria Bungalee Boo ..... The Family Fool The Periwinkle Girl . . . , . . Sans Souci ... . . . Thomson Green and Harriet Hale A Recipe ......... viu Contents Bob Polter .... The Merryman and his Maid Eli.en M 'Jones Aberdeen The Susceptible Chancellor Peter the Wag When a Merry Maiden Marries The Three Kings of Chickeraboo The British Tar Gentle Alice Brown A Man who would Woo a Fair Maid The Sorcerer's Song The Bumboat Woman's Story The Fickle Breeze . The Two Ogres The First Lord's Song . Little Oliver .... Mister William Would you Know? . Pasha Bailey Ben . Lieutenant-Colonel Flare Speculation .... Ah Me !..... Lost Mr. Bi.ake ' . The Duke of Plaza-Toro The Baby's Vengeance . The Esthete . The Captain and the Mermaids Said I to Myself, Said I Annie Protheroe Sorry her Lot An Unfortunate Likeness The Contemplative Sentry Gregory Parable, LL.D. The Philosophic Pill IX PAGE 176 182 185 191 ig8 200 204 205 209 21 r 214 219 221 227 229 235 240 242 248 254 255 256 262 265 271 273 278 2S0 286 287 292 294 299 Contents The King of Canoodle-dum Blue Blood First Love The Judge's Song Brave Alum Bey When I First put this Uniform on Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo Solatium .... The Modest Couple A Nightmare . The Martinet Don't Forget ! The Sailor Boy to his Lass The Suicide's Grave The Reverend Simon Magus He and She Damon v. Pythias The Mighty Must . My Dream A Mirage The Bishop of Rum-ti-P"oo Again The Ghosts' High Noon A Worm will Turn The Humane Mikado The Haughty Actor Willow Waly ! . . . The Two Majors, Life is Lovely all the Year Emily, John, James, and I The Usher's Charge The Perils of Invisibility The Great Oak Tree Old Paul and Old Tim . King Goodheart Contents The Mystic Selvagbe Sleep on ! The Cunning Woman The Love-sick Boy . Phrenology Poetry Everywhere The Fairy Curate He Loves ! . . . The Way of Wooing True Diffidence Hongree and Mahry The Tangled Skein The Reverend Micah Sowls My Lady . One against the World The Force of Argument - Put a Penny in the Slot Good Little Girls . The Phantom Curate Life Limited Liability . The Sensation Captain Anglicised Utopia . An English Girl Tempora Mutantur A Manager's Perplexities Out of Sorts . At a Pantomime How it's Done A Classical Revival The Story of Prince Agib The Practical Joker The National Anthem . Joe Golightly ; or, the Firs T Lord's Daughter Contents Her Terms .... The Independent Bee To THE Terrestrial Globe Etiquette .... The Disconcerted Tenor Ben Allah Achmet ; or, the Fatal Tum The Played-out Humorist PAGE 534 536 539 541 547 549 553 Index to First Lines Alphabetical Index to Titles 555 561 THE BAB BALLADS CAPTAIN REECE Of all the ships upon the blue No ship contained a better crew Than that of worthy Captain Reece, Commanding of The Mantelpiece. He was adored by all his men, For worthy Captain Reece, R.N., Did all that lay within him to Promote the comfort of his crew. I Captain Reece If ever they were dull or sad, Their captain danced to them like mad, Or told, to make the time pass by, Droll legends of his infancy. A feather bed had every man. Warm slippers and hot-water can. Brown Windsor from the captain's store, A valet, too, to every four. Did they with thirst in summer burn ? Lo, seltzogenes at every turn. And on all very sultry days Cream ices handed round on trays. Then currant wine and ginger pops Stood handily on all the " tops " ; And, also, with amusement rife, A " Zoetrope, or Wheel of Life." Captain Reece New volumes came across the sea From Mister Mudie's libraree ; I'he Times and Saturday Review Beguiled the leisure of the crew. Kind-hearted Captain Reece, R.N,., Was quite devoted to his men ; In point of fact, good Captain Reece Beatified The Mantelpiece. One summer eve, at halt past ten. He said (addressing all his men) : " Come, tell me, please, what I can do To please and gratify my crew ? " By any reasonable plan I'll make you happy, if I can ; My own convenience count as nil; It is my duty, and I will." Then up and answered William Lee (The kindly captain's coxswain he, A nervous, shy, low-spoken man). He cleared his throat and thus began : ■'You have a daughter, Captain Reece. Ten female cousins and a niece, A ma, if what I'm told is true, Six sisters, and an aunt or two. " Now, somehow, sir, it seems to me, More friendly-like we all should be If you united of 'em to Unmarried members of the crew. 3 Captain Reece " If you'd ameliorate our life, Let each select from them a wife ; And as for nervous me, old pal. Give me your own enchanting gal ! " Good Captain Reece, that worthy man. Debated on his coxswain's plan : "1 quite agree," he said, "O Bill; It is my duty, and I will. " My daughter, that enchanting gurl, Has just been promised to an earl. And all my other familee. To peers of various degree. " But what are dukes and viscounts to The happiness of all my crew ? The word I gave you I'll fulfil ; It is my duty, and I will. " As you desire it shall befall, I'll settle thousands on you all. And I shall be, despite my hoard. The only bachelor on board." The boatswain of The Mantelpiece, He blushed and spoke to Captain Reece. " I beg your honour's leave," he said, " If you would wish to go and wed, " I have a widowed mother who Would be the very thing for you — She long has loved you from afar. She washes for you, Captain R." 4 Captain Reece The captain saw the dame that day- Addressed her in his playful way — " And did it want a wedding ring ? It was a tempting ickle sing ! "Well, well, the chaplain I will seek, We'll all be married this day week — At yonder church upon the hill ; It is my duty, and I will ! " The sisters, cousins, aunts, and niece. And widowed ma of Captain Reece, Attended there as they were bid ; It was their duty, and they did. THE DARNED MOUNSEER I SHIPPED, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop, And, off Cape Finisteere, A merchantman we see, A Frenchman, going free, So we made for the bold Mounseer, D'ye see ? We made for the bold Momiseer ! But she proved to be a Frigate — and she up with hei ports, And fires with a thirty-two ! It come uncommon near. But we answered with a cheer Which paralysed the Parley-voo, D'ye see ? Which paralysed the Parley-voo ! 6 itie Uarnea iviounseer Then our Captain he up and he says, says he, " That chap we need not fear, — We can take her, if we like, She is sartin for to strike. For she's only a darned Mounseer, D'ye see? She's only a darned Mounseer ! But to fight a French fal-lal — ^it's like hittin' ot a gal — It's a lubberly thing for to do ; For we, with all our faults, , Why, we're sturdy British salts, While she's but a Parley-voo, D'ye see ? A miserable Parley-voo ! " So we up with our helm, and we scuds before the breeze, As we gives a compassionating cheer ; Froggee answers with a shout As he sees us go about. Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer, D'ye see ? Which was grateful of the poor Mounseer ! And I'll wager in their joy they kissed each other's cheek (Which is what them furriners do). And they blessed their lucky stars We were hardy British tars Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo, D'ye see ? Who had pity on a poor Parley-voo ! THE RIVAL CURATES List while the poet trolls Of Mr. Clayton Hooper, Who had a cure of souls At Spiffton-extra-Sooper. He lived on curds and whey, And daily sang their praises, And then he'd go and play With buttercups and daisies. Wild croquet Hooper banned, And all the sports of Mammon, He warred with cribbage, and He exorcised backgammon. His helmet waS a glance That spoke of holy gladness ; A saintly smile his lance, His shield a tear of sadness. The Rival Curates His Vicar smiled to see This armour on him buckled ; With pardonable glee He blessed himself and chuckled : "In mildness to abound My curate's sole design is, In all the country round There's none so mild as mine is ! ' And Hooper, disinclined His trumpet to be blowing, Yet didn't think you'd find A milder curate going. A friend arrived one day At Spiffton-extra-Sooper, And in this shameful way He spoke to Mr. Hooper : " You think your famous name For mildness can't be shaken. That none can blot your fame — But, Hooper, you're mistaken ) " Your mind is not as blank As that of HopLEY Porter, Who holds a curate's rank At Assesmilk-cum-Wbrter. " Jle plays the airy flute. And looks depressed and blighted, Doves round about him 'toot,' And lambkins dance delighted. 9 The Rival Curates ^'' He labours more than you At worsted work, and frames it ; In old maids' albums, too, Sticks seaweed — yes, and names it ! " The tempter said his say. Which pierced him like a needle — He summoned straight away His sexton and his beadle. These men were men who could Hold liberal opinions : On Sundays they were good — On week-days they were minions. " To HopLEY Porter go. Your fare I will afford you — Deal him a deadly blow. And blessings shall reward you The Rival Curates " But stay — I do not like Undue assassination, And so, before you strike, Make this communication ; " I'll give him this one chance — If he'll more gaily bear him, Play croquet, smoke, and dance, I willingly will spare him.'' They went, those minions true, To Assesmilk-cum-Worter, And told their errand to The Reverend Hopley Porter. " What ? " said that reverend gent, " Dance through my hours of leisure ? Smoke ? — bathe myself with scent ? — Play croquet ? Oh, with pleasure ! The Rival Curates " Wear all my hair in curl ? Stand at my door, and wink — so- At every passing girl ? My brothers, I should think so ! " For years I've longed for some ^ Excuse for this revulsion : Now that excuse has come — I do it on compulsion ! ! ! " He smoked and winked away — This Reverend Hopley Porter- The deuce there was to pay At Assesmilk-cum-Worter. And Hooper holds his ground, In mildness daily growing — They think him, all around, The mildest curate going. THE ENGLISHMAN He is an Englishman ! For he himself has said it, And it's greatly to his credit, That he is an Englishman ! For he might have been a Roosian, A French, or Turk, or Proosian, Or perhaps Itali-an ! But in spite of all temptations, To belong to other nations. He remains an Enghshman ! Hurrah ! For the true-born Englishman ! 13 ONLY A DANCING GIRL Only a dancing girl, With an unromantic style, With borrowed colour and curl, With fixed mechanical smile, With many a hackneyed wile. With ungrammatical lips, And corns that mar her trips S Hung from the " flies " in air. She acts a palpable lie ; She's as little a fairy there As unpoetical I ! I hear you asking. Why — Why in the world I sing This tawdry, tinselled thing? Only a Dancing (jirl No airy fairy slie, As she hangs in arsenic green, From a highly impossible tree, In a highly impossible scene (Herself not over clean). For fays don't suffer, I'm told, From bunions, coughs, or cold. And stately dames that bring Their daughters there to see. Pronounce the " dancing thing " No better than she should be. With her skirt at her shameful knee. And her painted, tainted phiz : Ah, matron, which of us is ? (And, in sooth, it oft occurs That while these matrons sigh, Their dresses are lower than hers, And sometimes half as high ; And their hair is hair they buy. And they use their glasses, too. In a way she'd blush to do.) But change her gold and green For a coarse merino gown. And see her upon the scene Of her home, when coaxing down Her drunken father's frown, In his squalid cheerless den : She's a fairy truly, then ! IS THE DISAGREEABLE MAN If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am : I'm a genuine philanthropist — all other kinds are sham. Each little fault of temper and each social defect In my erring /ellow-creatures, I endeavour to correct. To all their little weaknesses I open people's eyes, And little plans to snub the self-sufficient I devise ; I love my fellow-creatures — I do all the good I can — Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! And I can't think why ! To compliments inflated I've a withering reply. And vanity I always do my best to mortify ; A charitable action I can skilfully dissect ; And interested motives I'm, delighted to detect. I know everybody's income and what everybody earns, And I carefully compare it with the income-tax returns ; But to benefit humanity, however much I plan. Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! And I can't think why ] i6 The Disagreeable Man I'm sure I'm no ascetic ; I'm as pleasant as can be ; You'll always find me ready with a crushing repartee ; I've an irritating chuckle, I've a celebrated sneer, I've an entertaining snigger, I've a fascinating leer ; To everybody's prejudice I know a thing or two ; I can tell a woman's age in half a minute — and I do — But although I try to make myself as pleasant as I can, Yet everybody says I'm such a disagreeable man ! And I can't think why ! tr GENERAL JOHN The bravest names for fire and flames And all that mortal durst, Were General John and Private James, Of the Sixty-seventy-first. General John was a soldier tried, A chief of warlike dons ; A haughty stride and a withering pride Were Major-General John's. A sneer would play on his martial phiz, Superior birth to show ; " Pish ! " was a favourite word of his, And he often said " Ho ! ho ! " General John Full-Private James described might be. As a man of a mournful mind ; No characteristic trait had he Of any distinctive kind. From the ranks, one day, cried Private James, " Oh ! Major-General John, I've doubts of our respective names, My mournful mind upon. " A glimmering thought occurs to me (Its source I can't unearth). But I've a kind of a notion we Were cruelly changed at birth. " I've a strange idea that each other's names We've each of us here got on. Such things have been," said Private James. " They have ! " sneered General John. 19 General John " My General John, I swear upon My oath I think 'tis so " " Pish ! " proudly sneered his General John, And he also said " Ho ! ho ! " • My General John ! my General John ! My General John ! " quoth he, ' This aristocratical sneer upon Your face I blush to see ! " No truly great or generous cove Deserving of them names, Would sneer at a fixed idea that's drove In the mind of a Private James ! " Said General John, " Upon your claims No need your breatli to waste ; If this is a joke, Full-Private James, It's a joke of doubtful taste. 20 General John " But, being a man of doubtless worth, If you feel certain quite That we were probably changed at birth, I'll venture to say you're right." So General John as Private James Fell in, parade upon ; And Private James, by change of names, Was Major-General John. THE COMING BY-AND-BY Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year, Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear; As Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs. Impatiently begins to " dim her eyes " ! — Herself compelled, in life's uncertain gloamings. To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved "comb- ings " — Reduced, with rouge, lipsalve, and pearly grey, To " make up " for lost time, as best she may ! Silvered is the raven hair, Spreading is the parting straight. Mottled the complexion fair. Halting is the youthful gait, 22 The Coming By-and-by Hollow is the laughter free, Spectacled the limpid eye, Little will be left of me, In the coming by-and-by ! Fading is the taper waist — Shapeless grows the shapely limb, And although securely laced. Spreading is the figure trim ! Stouter than I used to be, Still more corpulent grow I — There will be too much of me In the coming by-and-by ! 23 TO A LITTLE MAID BY A POLICEMAN Come with me, little maid ! Nay, shrink not, thus afraid — I'll harm thee not ! Fly not, my love, from me — I have a home for thee — A fairy grot, Where mortal eye Can rarely pry, There shall thy dwelling be ! List to me, while I tell The pleasures of that cell, Oh, little maid ! What though its couch be rude- Homely the only food Within its shade? No thought of care Can enter there, No vulgar swain intrude ! 24 To a Little Maid Come with me, little maid, Come to the rocky shade I love to sing ; Live with us, maiden rare — Come, for we "want" thee there, Thou elfin thing, To work thy spell. In some cool cell In stately Pentonville ! 25 THE HIGHLY RESPECTABLE GONDOLIER I STOLE the Prince, and I brought him here, And left him, gaily prattling With a highly respectable Gondolier, Who promised the Royal babe to rear, And teach him the trade of a timoneer With his own beloved bratling. Both of the babes were strong and stout. And, considering all things, clever. Of that there is rio manner of doubt — No probable, possible shadow of doubt — No possible doubt whatever. Time sped, and when at the end of a year I sought that infant cherished. That highly respectable Gondolier 26 The Highly Respectable Gondolier Was lying a corpse on his humble bier — I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear — That Gondolier had perished ! A taste for drink, combined with gout, Had doubled him up for ever. Of that there is no manner of doubt — No probable, possible shadow of doubt- No possible doubt whatever. But owing, I'm much disposed to fear. To his terrible taste for tippling. That highly respectable Gondolier Could never declare with a mind sincere Which of the two was his offspring dear. And which the Royal stripling ! Which was which he could never make out, Despite his best endeavour. Of that there is no manner of doubt — No probable, possible shadow of doubt — No possible doubt whatever. The children followed his old career — (This statement can't be parried) Of a highly respectable Gondolier : Well, one of the two (who will soon be here) — But which of the two is not quite clear — Is the Royal Prince you married ! Search in and out and round about And you'll discover never A tale so free from every doubt — All probable, possible shadow of doubt- All possible doubt whatever ! 27 J^alf^ JOHN AND FREDDY John courted lovely Mary Ann, So likewise did his brother, Freddy. Fred was a very soft young man, While John, though quick, was most unsteady. Fred was a graceful kind of youth, But John was very much the strongest. " Oh, dance away," said she, " in truth, I'll marry him who dances longest." John tries the maiden's taste to strike With gay, grotesque, outrageous dresses, And dances comically, like Clodoche and Co., at the Princess's. But Freddy tries another style, He knows some graceful steps and does 'em — > A breathing Poem — Woman's smile — A man all poesy and feuzzem. 28 John and Freddy Now Freddy's operatic /aj- — Now Johnny's hornpipe seems entrapping ; Now Freddy's graceful entrechats — Now Johnny's skilful "cellar-flapping." For many hours — for many days — For many weeks performed each brother, For each was active in his ways, And neither would give in to t'other. After a month of this, they say (The maid was getting bored and moody) A wandering curate passed that way And talked a lot of goody-goody. " Oh my," said he, with solemn frown, "I tremble for each Ascacvag frater, Like unregenerated clown And harlequin at some the-ayter.'' 29 John and Freddy- He showed that men, in dancing, do Both impiously and absurdly, And proved his proposition true, With Firstly, Secondly, and Thirdly. For months both John and Freddy danced. The curate's protests little heeding ; For months the curate's words enhanced The sinfulness of their proceeding hur At length they bowed to Nature's rule — ■ Their steps grew feeble and unsteady, Till Freddy fainted on a stool, And Johnny on the top of Freddy. " Decide ! " quoth they, " let him be named, Who henceforth as his wife may rank you.' "I've changed my views," the maiden said, " I only marry curates, thank you ! " 3° John and Freddy Says Freddy, " Here is goings on ! To bust myself with rage I'm ready.'' " I'll be a curate ! " whispers John — "And I," exclaimed poetic Freddy. But while they read for it, these chaps. The curate booked the maiden bonny- And when she's buried him, perhaps, She'll marry Frederick or Johnny. 3^ -^(Jf THE FAIRY QUEEN'S SONG Oh, foolish fay, Think you because Man's brave array My bosom thaws I'd disobey Our fairy laws ? Because I fly In realms above. In tendency To fall in love Resemble I The amorous dove ? Oh, amorous dove ! Type of Ovidius Naso ! This heart of mine Is soft as thine, Although I dare not say so I 32 The Fairy Queen's Song On fire that glows With heat intense I turn the hose Of Common Sense, And out it goes At small expense ! We must maintain Our fairy law ; That is the main On which to draw — In that we gain A Captain Shaw. Oh, Captain Shaw 1 Type of true love kept under ! Could thy Brigade With cold cascade Quench my great love, I wonder I 33 SIR GUY THE CRUSADER Sir Guy was a doughty crusader, A muscular knight, Ever ready to fight, A very determined invader, And Dickey de Lion's delight. Lenore was a Saracen maiden, Brunette, statuesque. The reverse of grotesque, Her pa was a bagman from Aden, Her mother she played in burlesque A corypMe, pretty and loyal. In amber and red The ballet she led ; Her mother performed at the Royal Lenore at the Saracen's Head. 34 Sir Guy the Crusader Of face and of figure majestic, She dazzled the cits — Ecstaticised pits ; — Her troubles were only domestic, But drove her half out of her wits. Her father incessantly lashed her. On water and bread She was grudgingly fed ; Whenever her father he thrashed her Her mother sat down on her head. Guy saw her, and loved her, with reason, For beauty so bright Sent him mad with delight ; He purchased a stall for the season. And sat in it every night. 35 Sir Guy the Crusader His views were exceedingly proper, He wanted to wed, So he called at her shed And saw her progenitor whop her — Her mother sit down on her head. ^^/, "So pretty,'' said he, "and so trusting ! You brute of a dad. You unprincipled cad. Your conduct is really disgusting. Come, come, now admit it's too bad ! "You're a turbaned old Turk, and malignant- Your daughter Lenore I intensely adore, And I cannot help feeling indignant, A fact that I hinted before ; S6 Sir Guy the Crusader "To see, a fond father employing A deuce of a knout For to bang her about, To a sensitive lover's annoying." Said the bagman, " Crusader, get out." Says Guy, " Shall a warrior laden With a big spiky knob, Sit in peace on his cob While a beautiful Saracen maiden Is whipped by a Saracen snob ? " To London I'll go from my charmer." Which he did, with his loot (Seven hats and a flute). And was nabbed for his Sydenham armour At Mr. Ben-Samuel's suit. Sir Guy he was lodged in the Compter, Her pa, in a rage, Died (don't know his age), His daughter, she married the prompter. Grew bulky and quitted the stage. 3/ IS LIFE A BOON Is life a boon ? If so, it must befall That Death, whene'er he call, Must call too soon. Though fourscore years he give. Yet one would pray to live Another moon ! What kind of plaint have I, Who perish in July? I might have had to die Perchance in June ! Is life a thorn ? Then count it not a whit ! Man is well done with it ; Soon as he's born He should all means essay To put the plague away ; And I, war-worn. Poor captured fugitive. My life most gladly give — I might have had to live Another morn ! 38 HAUNTED Haunted ? Ay, in a social way, By a body' of ghosts in a dread array : But no conventional spectres they — Appalling, grim, and tricky : I quail at mine as I'd never quail At a fine traditional spectre pale, With a turnip head and a ghostly wail. And a splash of blood on the dicky ! Mine are horrible social ghosts, Speeches and women and guests and hosts. Weddings and morning calls and toasts, In every bad variety : Ghosts that hover about the grave Of all that's manly, free, and brave : You'll find their names on the architrave Of that chprnel-house, Society. 39 Haunted Black Monday — black as its schoolroom ink- With its dismal boys that snivel and think Of nauseous messes to eat and drink, And a frozen tank to wash in. That was the first that brought me grief And made me weep, till I sought relief In an emblematical handkerchief, To choke such baby bosh in. First and worst in the grim array — Ghosts of ghosts that have gone their way. Which I wouldn't revive for a single day For all the wealth of Plutus — Are the horrible ghosts that schooldays scared : If the classical ghost that Brutus dared Was the ghost of his " C»sar " unprepared, I'm sure I pity Brutus. I pass to critical seventeen : The ghost of that terrible wedding scene. When an elderly colonel stole my queen, And woke my dream of heaven : No school-girl decked in her nursery curls Was my gushing innocent queen of pearls ; If she wasn't a girl of a thousand girls, She was one of forty-seven ! I see the ghost of my first cigar — Of the thence-arising family jar — Of my maiden brief (I was at the bar). When I called the judge " Your wushup " ! Of reckless days and reckless nights. With wrenched-off knockers, extinguished lights, Unholy songs, and tipsy fights, Which I strove in vain to hush up. 40 Haunted Ghosts of fraudulent joint-stock banks, Ghosts of copy, "declined with thanks," Of novels returned in endless ranks. And thousands more, I suifer. The only line to fitly grace My humble tomb, when I've run my race, Is " Reader, this is the resting-place Of an unsuccessful duffer." I've fought them all, these ghosts of mine. But the weapons I've used are sighs and brine. And now that I'm nearly forty-nine, Old age is my only bogy ; For my hair is thinning away at the crown. And the silver fights with the worn-out brown i And a general verdict sets me down As an irreclaimable fogy. + 1 THE MODERN MAJOR-GENERAL I AM the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral, I've information vegetable, animal, and mineral ; I know the kings of England, and I quote the fights historical. From Marathon to Waterloo, in order categorical ; I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters mathematical, I understand equations, both the simple and quadratical ; About binomial theorem I'm teeming with a lot o' news. With interesting facts about the square of the hypotenuse I'm very good at integral and differential calculus, I know the scientific names of beings animalculous. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral 42 The Modem Major-General I know our mythic history — King Arthur's and Sir Caradoc's, I answer hard acrostics, I've a pretty taste for paradox ; I quote in elegiacs all the crimes of Heliogabalus, In conies I can floor peculiarities parabolous. I tell undoubted Raphaels from Gerard Dows and ZOFFANIES, I know the croaking chorus from the " Frogs " of Aristophanes ; Then I can hum a fugue, of which I've heard the music's din afore, And whistle all the airs from that confounded nonsense " Pinafore." Then I can write a washing-bill in Babylonic cuneiform. And tell you every detail of Caractacus's uniform. In short, in matters vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral. In fact, when I know what is meant by " mamelon " and " ravelin," When I can tell at sight a Chassepot rifle from a javelin, When such affairs as sorties and surprises I'm more wary at. And when I know precisely what is meant by Commissariat, When I have learnt what progress has been made in modern gunnery. When I know more of tactics than a novice in a nunnery. In short, when I've a smattering of elementary strategy. You'll say a better Major-Genera/ has never sat a gee — For my military knowledge, though I'm plucky and adventury. Has only been brought down to the beginning of the century. But still in learning vegetable, animal, and mineral, I am the very model of a modern Major-Gineral ! 43 THE BISHOP AND THE 'BUSMAN It was a Bishop bold, And London was his see, He was short and stout and round about And zealous as could be. It also was a Jew, Who drove a Putney 'bus — For flesh of swine however fine He did not care a cuss. His name was Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too, And Solomon and Zabulon — This 'bus-directing Jew. 44 The Bishop and the 'Busman The Bishop said, said he, " I'll see what I can do To Christianise and make you wise. You poor benighted Jew." So every blessed day That 'bus he rode outside. From Fulham town, both up and down. And loudly thus he cried : " His name is Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too. And Solomon and Zabulon — This 'bus-directing Jew." At first the 'busman smiled, And rather liked the fun — He merely smiled, that Hebrew child, And said, " Eccentric one ! " 45 The Bishop and the 'Busman And gay young dogs would wait To see the 'bus go by (These gay young dogs, in striking togs). To hear the Bishop cry : " Observe his grisly beard, His race it clearly shows. He sticks no fork in ham or pork- Observe, my friends, his nose. " His name is Hash Baz Ben, And Jedediah too. And Solomon and Zabulon — This 'bus-directing Jew.'"' But though at first amused, Yet after seven years. This Hebrew child got rather riled. And melted into tears. He really almost feared To leave his poor abode, His nose, and name, and beard became A byword on that road. At length he swore an oath, The reason he would know- " I'll call and see why ever he Does persecute me so ! " 45 The Bishop and the 'Busman The good old Bishop sat On his ancestral chair, The 'busman came, sent up his name, And laid his grievance bare. " Benighted Jew," he said (The good old Bishop did), " Be Christian, you, instead of Jew — Become a Christian kid ! "I'll ne'er annoy you more." " Indeed ? " replied the Jew ; ■• Shall I be freed ? " " You will, indeed ! ' Then " Done ! " said he, " with you ! " The organ which, in man. Between the eyebrows grows, Fell from his face, and in its place He found a. Christian nose, 47 The Bishop and the 'Busman His tangled Hebrew beard, Which to his waist came down, Was now a pair of whiskers fair — His name Adolphus Brown ! He wedded in a year That prelate's daughter Jane, He's grown quite fair — has auburn hair- His wife is far from plain. +8 THE HEAVY DRAGOON If you want a receipt for that popular mystery, Known to the world as a Heavy Dragoon, Take all the remarkable people in history, Rattle them off to a popular tune ! The pluck of Lord Nelson on board of the Victory — Genius of Bismarck devising a plan ; The humour of Fielding (which sounds contradictory)- Coolness of Paget about to trepan — The grace of Mozart, that unparalleled musico — Wit of Macaulay, who wrote of Queen Anne — The pathos of Paddy, as rendered by Boucicault — Style of the Bishop of Sodor and Man — The dash of a D'Orsay, divested of quackery — Narrative powers of Dickens and Thackeray — 49 E The Heavy Dragoon Victor Emmanuel — peak-haunting Peveril — Thomas Aquinas, and Doctor Sacheverell — TuppER and Tennyson — Daniel Defoe — Anthony Trollope and Mister Guizot ! Take of these elements all that is fusible, Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible, Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum, And a. Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! If you want a receipt for this soldierlike paragon. Get at the wealth of the Czar (if you can) — The family pride of a Spaniard from Arragon — Force of Mephisto pronouncing a ban — A smack of Lord Waterford, reckless and rollicky — Swagger of Roderick, heading his clan — The keen penetration of Paddington Pollaky — Grace of an Odalisque on a divan — The genius strategic of Cbsar or Hannibal — Skill of Lord Wolseley in thrashing a cannibal — Flavour of Hamlet — the Stranger, a touch of him — Little of Manfred (but not very much of him)- — Beadle of Burlington — Richardson's show — Mr. Micawber and Madame Tussaud ! Take of these elements all that is fusible — Melt 'em all down in a pipkin or crucible — Set 'em to simmer and take off the scum. And a Heavy Dragoon is the residuum ! 5° THE TROUBADOUR A Troubadour he played Without a castle wall, Within, a hapless maid Responded to his call. " Oh, willow, woe is me ! Alack and well-a-day ! If I were only free I'd hie me far away ! " Unknown her face and name, But this he knew right well, The maiden's wailing came From out a dungeon cell. 51 The Troubadour A hapless woman lay Within that prison grim — That fact, I've heard him say, Was quite enough for him. " I will not sit or He, Or eat or drink, I vow. Till thou art free as I, Or I as pent as thou ! " Her tears then ceased to flow, Her wails no longer rang. And tuneful in her woe The prisoned maiden sang : " Oh, stranger, as you play I recognise your touch ; And all that I can say, Is thank you very much ! ' He seized his clarion straight. And blew thereat, until A warder oped the gate, '' Oh, what might be your will ? " " I've come, sir knave, to see The master of these halls : A maid unwillingly Lies prisoned in their walls." With barely stifled sigh That porter drooped his head, With teardrops in his eye, "A many, sir," he said. 52 The Troubadour He stayed to hear no more, But pushed that porter by, And shortly stood before Sir Hugh de Peckham Rye. Sir Hugh he darkly frowned, "What would you, sir, with me?" The troubadour he downed Upon his bended knee. " I've come, de Peckham Rye, To do a Christian task. You ask me what would I ? It is not much I ask. " Release these maidens, sir. Whom you dominion o'er — Particularly her Upon the second floor ! " And if you don't, my lord " — He here stood bolt upright. And tapped a tailor's sword — " Come out at once and fight ! ' 53 The Troubadour Sir Hugh he called — and ran The warden from the gate, " Go, show this gentleman The maid in forty-eight." By many a cell they passed And stopped at length before A portal, bolted fast : The man unlocked the door. %^y He called inside the gate With coarse and brutal shout, "Come, step it, forty-eight ! " And forty-eight stepped out. " They gets it pretty hot. The maidens wot we cotch- Two years this lady's got For collaring a wotch." S + The Troubadour " Oh, ah ! — indeed — I see,'' The troubadour exclaimed — " If I may make so free. How is this castle named ? " The warden's eyelids fill, And, sighing, he replied, " Of gloomy Pentonville This is the Female Side ! " The minstrel did not wait The warden stout to thank. But recollected straight He'd business at the Bank. SS PROPER PRIDE The Sun, whose rays Are all ablaze With ever-living glory, Will not deny His majesty — He scorns to tell a story : He won't exclaim, " I blush for shame, So kindly be indulgent," But, fierce and bold, In fiery gold. He glories all effulgent ! I mean to rule the earth, As he the sky — We really know our woith, The Sun and I ! 56 Proper Pride Observe his flame, That placid dame, The Moon's Celestial Highness; There's not a trace Upon her face Of diffidence or shyness : She borrows light That, through the night, Mankind may all acclaim her ! And, truth to tell, She lights up well. So I, for one, don't blame her ! Ah, pray make no mistake. We are not shy ; We're very wide awake. The Moon and I ! 57 FERDINANDO AND ELVIRA OR, THE GENTLE PIEMAN PART I At a pleasant evening party I had taken down to supper One whom I will call Elvira, and we talked of love and TUPPER, Mr. Tupper and the poets, very lightly with them dealing, For I've always been distinguished for a strong poetic feeling. Then we let off paper crackers, each of which contained a motto. And she listened while I read them, till her mother told her not to. Then she whispered, " To the ball-room we had better, dear, be walking ; If we stop down here much longer, really people will be talking." 58 Ferdinando and Elvira There were noblemen in coronets, and military cousins, There were captains by the hundred, there were baronets by dozens. Yet she heeded not their offers, but dismissed them with a blessing ; Then she let down all her back hair which had taken long in dressing. Then she had convulsive sobbings in her agitated throttle, Then she wiped her pretty eyes and smelt her pretty smelling-bottle. So I whispered, " Dear Elvira, say — what can the matter be with you ? Does anything you've eaten, darling Popsy, disagree with you ? " But spite of all I said, her sobs grew more and more dis- tressing. And she tore her pretty back hair, which had taken long in dressing. Then she gazed upon the carpet, at the ceiling then above me. And she whispered, " Ferdinando, do you really, really love me ? " " Love you ? " said I, then I sighed, and then I gazed upon her sweetly — For I think I do this sort of thing particularly neatly — " Send me to the Arctic regions, or illimitable azure. On a scientific goose-chase, with my Coxwell or my Glaisher. 59 Ferdinando and Elvira " Tell me whither I may hie me, tell me, dear one, that I may know — Is it up the highest Andes ? down a horrible volcano ? " But she said, " It isn't polar bears, or hot volcanic grottoes, Only find out who it is that writes those lovely cracker mottoes ! " PART II "Tell me, Henry Wads worth, Alfred, Poet Close, or Mister Tupper, Do you write the bonbon mottoes my Elvira pulls at supper ? " But Henry Wadsworth smiled, and said he had not had that honour ; And Alfred, too, disclaimed the words that told so much upon her. " Mister Martin Tupper, Poet Close, I beg of you inform us " ; But my question seemed to throw them both into a rage enormous. Mister Close expressed a wish that he could only get- anigh to me. And Mister Martin Tupper sent the following reply to me : — ■ " A fool is bent upon a twig, but wise men dread a bandit." Which I think must have been clever, for I didn't under- stand it. Seven weary years I wandered — Patagonia, China, Norway, Till at last I sank exhausted at a pastrycook his doorway. 60 Ferdinando and Elvira There were fuchsias and geraniums, and daffodils and myrtle, So I entered, and I ordered half a basin of mock turtle. He was plump and he was chubby, he was smooth and he was rosy. And his little wife was pretty, and particularly cosy. And he chirped and sang, and skipped about, and laughed with laughter hearty — ■ He was wonderfully active for so very stout a party. And I said, " Oh, gentle pieman, who so very, very merry ? Is it purity of conscience, or your one-and-seven sherry ? " But he answered, " I'm so happy — no profession could be dearer — If I am not humming ' Tra ! la ! la ! ' I'm singing, ' Tirer, lirer ! ' " First I go and make the patties, and the puddings and the jellies, Then I make a sugar birdcage, which upon a table §well is; 6i Ferdinando and Elvira "Then I polish all the silver, which a supper -table lacquers ; Then I write the pretty mottoes which you find inside the crackers " — " Found at last ! " I madly shouted. " Gentle pieman, you astound me ! " Then I waved the turtle soup enthusiastically round me. And I shouted and I danced until he'd quite a crowd around him — And I rushed away, exclaiming, " I have found him ! I have found him ! " And I heard the gentle pieman in the road behind me trilling, "'Tira! lira!' stop him, stop him! 'Tra! la! la!' the soup's a shilling ! " But until I reached Elvira's home, I never, never wajted. And Elvira to her Ferdinand 's irrevocably mated ! 62 THE POLICEMAN'S LOT When a felon's not engaged in his employment Or maturing his felonious little plans, His capacity for innocent enjoyment Is just as great as any honest man's. Our feelings we with difficulty smother When constabulary duty's to be done : Ah, take one consideration with another, A policeman's lot is not a happy one ! When the enterprising burglar isn't burgling, When the cut-throat isn't occupied in crime. He loves to hear the little brook a-gurgling, And listen to the merry village chime. When the coster's finished jumping on his mother. He loves to he a-basking in the sun : Ah, take one consideration with another. The policeman's lot is not a happy one ! 63 LORENZO DE LARDY Dalilah de Dardy adored The very correctest of cards, Lorenzo de Lardy, a lord — He was one of Her Majesty's Guards. Dalilah de Dardy was fat, Dalilah de Dardy was old — (No doubt in the world about that) But Dalilah de Dardy had gold. Lorenzo de Lardy was tall, The flower of maidenly pets, Young ladies would love at his call, But Lorenzo de Lardy had debts. 64 Lorenzo de Lardy His money-position was queer, And one of his favourite freaks Was to hide himself three times a year, In Paris, for several weeks. Many days didn't pass him before He fanned himself into a flame. For a beautiful "Dam du Comptwore," And this was her singular name : Alice Eulalie Coraline EUPHROSINE COLOMBINA Th^RESE Juliette Stephanie Celestine Charlotte Russe de la Sauce Mayonnaise. She booked all the orders and tin, Accoutred in showy fal-lal. At a two-fifty Restaurant, in The glittering Palais Royal. 65 Lorenzo de Lardy He'd gaze in her orbit of blue, Her hand he would tenderly squeeze, But the words of her tongue that he knew Were limited strictly to these : " CORALINE CeLESTINE EuLALIE, Houp Ik ! Je vous aime, oui, mossoo, Combien donnez moi aujourd'hui Bonjour, Mademoiselle, parlez voo." Mademoiselle de la Sauce Mayonnaise Was a witty and beautiful miss. Extremely correct in her ways. But her English consisted of this : "Oh my! pretty man, if you please, Blom boodin, biftek, currie lamb, Bouldogue, two franc half, quite ze cheese. Rosbif, me spik Angleesh, godam." A waiter, for seasons before. Had jpasked in her beautiful gaze, And burnt to dismember Milor, He loved de la Sauce Mayonnaise. He said to her, " Mechante Therese, Avec desespoir tu m'accables. Penses-tu, de la Sauce Mayonnaise, Ses intentions sont honorables ? " Flirtez toujours, ma belle, si tu oses — Je me vengerai ainsi, ma chfere, Je lui dirai de quoi I' on compose Vol au vent a la Financiere ! " 66 Lorenzo de Lardy Lord Lardy knew nothing of this — The waiter's devotion ignored, But he gazed on the beautiful miss, And never seemed weary or bored. The waiter would screw up his nerve, His fingers he'd snap and he'd dance — And Lord Lardy would smile and observe, " How strange are the customs of France ! • Well, after delaying a space, His tradesmen no longer would wait : Returning to England apace, He yielded himself to his fate. Lord Lardy espoused, with a groan, Miss Dardy's developing charms, And agreed to tag on to his own. Her name and her newly-found arms. 67 Lorenzo de Lardy The waiter he knelt at the toes Of an ugly and thin coryphee, Who danced in the hindermost rows At the Theatre des Ya.n6t6s. Mademoiselle de la Sauce Mayonnaise Didn't yield to a gnawing despair But married a soldier, and plays A.S a pretty and pert Vivandiere. 68 THE BAFFLED GRUMBLER Whene'er I poke Sarcastic joke Replete with malice spiteful, The people vile Politely smile And vote me quite delightful ! Now, when a wight Sits up all night Ill-natured jokes devising. And all his wiles Are met with smiles, It's hard, there's no disguising ! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely fiat With nothing whatever to grumble at ! 69 The Baffled Grumbler When German bands From music stands Play Wagner impei/^ir/ly — I bid them go — They don't say no, But off they trot directly ,' The organ boys They stop their noise With readiness surprising, And grinning herds Of hurdy-gurds Retire apologising ! Oh, don't the days seem lank and long When all goes right and nothing goes wrong, And isn't your life extremely fiat With nothing whatever to grumble at I I've offered gold. In sums untold, To all who'd contradict me — I've said I'd pay A pound a day To any one who kicked me — I've bribed with toys Great vulgar boys To utter something spiteful, But, bless you, no ! They will be so Confoundedly politeful ! In short, these aggravating lads, They tickle my tastes, they feed my fads. They give me this and they give me that, And I've nothing whatever to grumble at ! 73 DISILLUSIONED BY AN EX-ENTHUSIAST Oh, that my soul its gods could see As years ago they seemed to me When first I painted them ; Invested with the circumstance Of old conventional romance : Exploded theorem ! The bard who could, all men above, Inflame my soul with songs of love. And, with his verse, inspire The craven soul who feared to die With all the glow of chivalry And old heroic fire ; 71 Disillusioned I found him in a beerhouse tap Awaking from a gin-born nap, With pipe and sloven dress ; Amusing chums, who fooled his bent, With muddy, maudlin sentiment. And tipsy foolishness ! The novelist, whose painting pen To legions of fictitious men A real existence lends, Brain-people whom we rarely fail. Whene'er we hear their names, to hail As old and welcome friends ; I found. in clumsy snuffy suit, In seedy glove, and blucher boot. Uncomfortably big. Particularly commonplace, With vulgar, coarse, stockbroking face, And spectacles and wig. My favourite actor who, at will, With mimic woe my eyes could fill With unaccustomed brine : A being who appeared to me (Before I knew him well) to be A song incarnadine ; I found a coarse unpleasant man With speckled chin — unhealthy, wan — Of self-importance full : Existing in an atmosphere That reeked of gin and pipes and beer- Conceited, fractious, dull. 72 Disillusioned The warrior whose ennobled name Is woven with his country's fame, Triumphant over all, I found weak, palsied, bloated, blear ; His province seemed to be, to leer At bonnets in Pall Mall. Would that ye always shone, who write, Bathed in your own innate limelight. And ye who battles wage. Or that in darkness I had died Before my soul had ever sighed To see you off the stage ! HAMLET 'eld WILKINS! 73 '^ THE HOUSE OF PEERS When Britain really ruled tlie waves — (In good Queen Bess's time) The House of Peers made no pretence To intellectual eminence, Or scholarship sublime ; Yet Britain won her proudest bays In good Queen Bess's glorious days ! When Wellington thrashed Bonaparte, As every child can tell, The House of Peers, throughout the war, Did nothing in particular. And did it very well ; Yet Britain set the world ablaze In good King George's glorious days ! 74 The House of Peers And while the House of "Peers withholds Its legislative hand, And noble statesmen do not itch To interfere with matters which They do not understand, As bright will shine Great Britain's rays, As in King George's glorious days ! 7S BABETTE'S LOVE Babette she was a fisher gal, With jupon striped and cap in crimps. She passed her days inside the Halle, Or catching little nimble shrimps. Yet she was sweet as flowers in May, With no professional bouquet. Jacot was, of the Customs bold, An officer, at gay Boulogne, He loved Babette — his love he told. And sighed, " Oh, soyez vous my own ! ' But "Non ! " said she, "Jacot, my pet, Vous 6tes trop scraggy pour Babette. 76 Babette's Love "Of one alone I nightly dream, An able mariner is he, And gaily serves the Gen'ral Steam- Boat Navigation Companee. I'll marry him, if he but will — His name, I rather think, is Bill. " I see him when he's not aware, Upon our hospitable coast. Reclining with an easy air Upon the Port against a post, A-thinking of, I'll dare to say, His native Chelsea far away ! " " Oh, mon ! " exclaimed the Customs bold, "Mas yeux!" he said (which means "my eye") " Oh, chfere ! " he also cried, I'm told, " Par Jove," he added, with a sigh. " Oh, mon ! oh, chfere ! mes yeux ! par Jove ! Je n'aime pas cet enticing cove ! " The Panther's captain stood hard by. He was a man of morals strict If e'er a sailor winked his eye. Straightway he had that sailor licked. Mast-headed all (such was his code) Who dashed or jiggered, blessed or blowed. He wept to think a tar of his Should lean so gracefully on posts. He sighed and sobbed to think of this. On foreign, French, and friendly coasts. " It's human natur', p'raps — if so, Oh, isn't human natur' low ! " 77 Babette's Love He called his Bill, who pulled his curl, He said, " My Bill, I understand You've captivated some young gurl On this here French and foreign land. Her tender heart your beauties jog — They do, you know they do, you dog. " You have a graceful way, I learn, Of leaning airily on posts, By which you've been and caused to burn A tender flame on these here coasts. A fisher gurl, I much regret, — Her age, sixteen — her name, Babette. " You'll marry her, you gentle tar — Your union I myself will bless. And when you matrimonied are, I will appoint her stewardess." But William hitched himself and sighed, And cleared his throat, and thus replied : 7» Babette's Love ' ' Not so : unless you're fond of strife, You'd better mind your own affairs, I have an able-bodied wife Awaiting me at Wapping Stairs ; If all this here to her I tell, She'll larrup you and me as well ^ " Skin-deep, and valued at a pin, Is beauty such as Venus owns — Her beauty is beneath her skin, And lies in layers on her bones. The other sailors of the crew They always calls her ' Whopping Sue .' ' ^ " Oho ! " the Captain said, " I see ! And is she then so very strong ? " "She'd take your honour's scruff," said he " And pitch you over to Bolong ! " " I pardon you," the Captain said, "The fair Babette you needn't wed." 79 Babette's Love Perhaps the Customs had his will, And coaxed the scornful girl to wed, Perhaps the Captain and his Bill, And William's little wife are dead ; Or p'raps they're all alive and well : I cannot, cannot, cannot tell. 80 A MERRY MADRIGAL Brightly dawns our wedding day ; Joyous hour, we give tliee greeting ! Whither, whither art thou fleeting? Fickle moment, prithee stay ! What though mortal joys be hollow ? Pleasures come, if sorrows follow. Though the tocsin sound, ere long, Ding dong ! Ding dong ! Yet until the shadows fall Over one and over all, Sing a merry madrigal — Fal la ! Let us dry the ready tear ; Though the hours are surely creeping, Little need for woeful weeping Till the sad sundown is near. All must sip the cup of sorrow, I to-day and thou to-morrow : This the close of every song — Ding dong ! Ding dong ! What though solemn shadows fall. Sooner, later, over all ? Sing a merry madrigal — Fal la ! Si TO MY BRIDE (whoever she may be) Oh ! little maid ! — (I do not know your name. Or who you are, so, as a safe precaution I'll add) — Oh, buxom widow ! married dame ! (As one of these must be your present portion) Listen, while I unveil prophetic lore for you. And sing the fate that Fortune has in store for you. You'll marry soon — within a year or twain — A bachelor of circa two-and-thirty. Tall, gentlemanly, but extremely plain. And, when you're intimate, you call him "Bertie." Neat — dresses well ; his temper has been classified As hasty ; but he's very quickly pacified. 82 To My Bride You'll find mm working mildly at the Bar, After a touch at two or three professions, From easy affluence extremely far, A brief or two on Circuit — " soup " at Sessions ; A pound or two from whist and backing horses, And, say, three hundred from his own resources. Quiet in harness ; free from serious vice. His faults are not particularly shady ; You'll never find him " shy " — for, once or twice Already, he's been driven by a lady. Who parts with him — perhaps a poor excuse for him- Because she hasn't any further use for him. Oh ! bride of mine — tall, dumpy, dark, or fair ! Oh ! widow — wife, maybe, or blushing maiden, I've told your fortune : solved the gravest care With which your mind has hitherto been laden. I've prophesied correctly, never doubt it ; Now tell me mine — and please be quick about it ! You — only you — can tell me, an you will, To whom I'm destined shortly to be mated. Will she run up a heavy tnodiste's bill ? If so, I want to hear her income stated. (This is a point which interests me greatly), To quote the bard, " Oh ! have I seen her lately ? " Say, must I wait till husband number one Is comfortably stowed away at Woking ? How is her hair most usually done ? And tell me, please, will she object to smoking ? The colour of her eyes, too, you may mention : Come, Sibyl, prophesy — I'm all attention. 8.^ THE DUKE AND THE DUCHESS The Duke. Small titles and orders For Mayors and Recorders I get — and they're highly delighted. M.P.s baronetted, Sham Colonels gazetted, And second-rate Aldermen knighted. Foundation-stone laying I find very paying, It adds a large sum to my makings. At charity dinners The best of speech-spinners, I get ten per cent on the takings ! The Duchess. I present any lady Whose conduct is shady Or smacking of doubtful propriety ; When Virtue would quash her I take and whitewash her And launch her in first-rate society. 84 The Duke and the Duchess I recommend acres Of clumsy dressmakers — Their fit and their finishing touches ; A sum in addition They pay for permission To say that they make for the Duchess ! The Duke. Those pressing prevailers, The ready-made tailors, Quote me as their great double-barrel ; I allow them to do so, Though Robinson Crusoe Would jib at their wearing apparel ! I sit, by selection. Upon the direction Of several Companies bubble ; As soon as they're floated I'm freely bank-noted — • I'm pretty well paid for my trouble ! The Duchess. At middle-class party I play at karte — ■ And I'm by no means a beginner ; To one of my station The remuneration — Five guineas a night and my dinner. I write letters blatant On medicines patent — ■ And use any other you mustn't ; And vow my complexion Derives its perfection From somebody's soap — which it doesn't. 85 The Duke and the Duchess The Duke. We're ready as witness To any one's fitness To fill any place or preferment ; We're often in waiting At junket ox feting, And sometimes attend an interment. In short, if you'd kindle The spark of a swindle, Lure simpletons into your clutches, Or hoodwink a debtor. You cannot do better Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess \ 86 THE FOLLY OF BROWN By a General Agent I KNEW a boor — a clownish card (His only friends were pigs and cows and The poultry of a small farmyard), Who came into two hundred thousand. Good fortune worked no change in Brown, Though she's a mighty social chymist ; He was a clown — and by a clown I do not mean a pantomimist. It left him quiet, calm, and cool. Though hardly knowing what a crown was- You can't imagine what a fool Poor rich uneducated Brown was ! 87 The Folly of Brown He scouted all who wished to come And give him monetary schooling ; And I propose to give you some Idea of his insensate fooling. I formed a company or two — (Of course I don't know what the rest meant, I formed them solely with a view To help him to a sound investment). Their objects were — their only cares — To justify their Boards in showing A handsome dividend on shares And keep their good promoter going. But no — the lout sticks to his brass, Though shares at par I freely proffer : Yet — will it be beheved ? — the ass Declines, with thtinks, my well-meant offer! The Folly of Brown He adds, with bumpkin's stolid grin (A weakly intellect denoting), He'd rather not invest it in A company of my promoting ! "You have two hundred 'thou ' or more," Said I. " You'll waste it, lose it, lend it ; Come, take my furnished second floor, I'll gladly show you how to spend it.'' But will it be believed that he. With grin upon his face of poppy. Declined my aid, while thanking me For what he called my " philanthroppy " ? Some blind, suspicious fools rejoice In doubting friends who wouldn't harm them ; They will not hear the charmer's voice, However wisely he may charm them ! I showed him that his coat, all dust. Top boots and cords provoked compassion, And proved that men of station must Conform to the decrees of fashion. I showed him where to buy his hat To coat him, trouser him, and boot him ; But no — he wouldn't hear of that — " He didn't think the style would suit him ! ' 89 The Folly of Brown I offered him a county seat, And made no end of an oration ; I made it certainty complete, And introduced the deputation. But no — the clown my prospect blights — (The worth of birth it surely teaches !) " Why should I want to spend my nights In Parliament, a-making speeches ? " I haven't never been to school — I ain't had not no eddication — And I should surely be a fool To publish that to all the nation ! ' I offered him a trotting horse — No hack had ever trotted faster — I also offered him, of course, A rare and curious "old master." I offered to procure him weeds — Wines fit for one in his position — But, though an ass in all his deeds, He'd learnt the meaning of "commission.' He called me "thief" the other day. And daily from his door he thrusts me ; Much more of this, and soon I may Begin to think that Brown mistrusts me. 90 The Folly of Brown So deaf to all sound Reason's rule This poor uneducated clown is, You ca.nnof fancy what a fool Poor rich uneducated Brown is. 9i EHEU FUGACES— ! TijE air is charged with amatory numbers — ■ Soft madrigals, and dreamy lovers' lays. Peace, peace, old heart ! Why waken from its slumbers The aching memory of the old, old days ? Time was when Love and I were well acquainted ; Time was when we walked ever hand in hand ; A saintly youth, with worldly thought untainted, None better loved than I in all the land ! Time was, when maidens of the noblest station, Forsaking even military men, Would gaze upon me, rapt in adoration — ■ Ah me, I was a fair young curate then ! 92 Eheu Fu gaces- .1 Had I a headache ? sighed the maids assembled ; Had I a cold ? welled forth the silent tear ; Did I look pale ? then half a parish trembled ; And when I coughed all thought the end was near ! I had no care — no jealous doubts hung o'er me — For I was loved beyond all other men. Fled gilded dukes and belted earls before me — Ah me, I was a pale young curate then ! 93 SIR MACKLIN Of all the youths I ever saw None were so wicked, vain, or silly, So lost to shame and Sabbath law As worldly Tom, and Bob, and Billy. For every Sabbath day they walked (Such was their gay and thoughtless natur') In parks or gardens, where they talked From three to six, or even later. Sir Macklin was a priest severe In conduct and in conversation. It did a sinner good to hear Him deal in ratiocination. He could in every action show Some sin, and nobody could doubt him. He argued high, he argued low, He also argued round about him. 94 Sir Macklin He wept to think each thoughtless youth Contained of wickedness a skinful, And burnt to teach the awful truth, That walking out on Sunday's sinful. "Oh, youths,'' said he, "I grieve to find The course of life you've been and hit on- Sit down," said he, "and never mind The pennies for the chairs you sit on. "My opening head is 'Kensington,' How walking there the sinner hardens ; Which when I have enlarged upon, I go to ' Secondly ' — its Gardens. "My 'Thirdly' comprehendeth 'Hyde,' Of Secrecy the guilts and shameses ; My ' Fourthly ' — ' Park '■ — its verdure wide — My ' Fifthly ' comprehends ' St. James's.' 95 Sir Macklin " That matter settled I shall reach The ' Sixthly ' in my solemn tether, And show that what is true of each, Is also true of all, together. " Then I shall demonstrate to you, According to the rules of ^^'hately. That what is true of all, is true Of each, considered separately." In lavish stream his accents flow, Tom, Bob, and Bit.ly dare not flout him : He argued high, he argued low. He also argued round about him. " Ha, ha ! " he said, '' you loathe your ways, Repentance on your souls is dawning. In agony your hands you raise." (And so they did, for they were yawning.) 96 Sir Macklin To " Twenty-firstly " on they go, The lads do not attempt to scout him ; He argued high, he argued low. He also argued round about him. " Ho, ho ! " he cries, " you bow your crests — My eloquence has set you weeping ; In shame you bend upon your breasts ! " (They bent their heads, for they were sleeping.) %wlr He proved them this — he proved them that This good but wearisome ascetic ; He jumped and thumped upon his hat, He was so very energetic. His bishop at this moment chanced To pass, and found the road encumbered ; He noticed how the Churchman danced. And how his congregation slumbered. 97 H Sir Macklin The hundred and eleventh head The priest completed of his stricture " Oh, bosh ! " the worthy bishop said. And walked him ofiF, as in the picture 9S THEY'LL, NONE OF 'EM BE MISSED As some day it may happen that a victim must be found, I've got a little list — I've got a little list Of social offenders who might well be underground, And who never would be missed — who never would be missed ! There's the pestilential nuisances who write for auto- graphs — All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs — All children who are up in dates, and floor you with 'em flat — All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that — And all third persons who on spoiling tete-a-tetes insist — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed ! There's the nigger serenader, and the others of his race, And the piano organist — I've got him on the hst 1 And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face. They never would be missed — they never would be missed 1 99 They'll None of 'Em be Missed Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone, All centuries but this, and every country but his own ; And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy, And who " doesn't think she waltzes, but would rather like to try " ; And that fin-de-sieck anomaly, the scorching motorist — I don't think he'd be missed — I'm sure he'd not be missed ! And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife. The Judicial humorist — I've got him on the list ! All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life' — They'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed ! And apologetic statesmen of the compromising kind. Such as — What-d'ye-call-him — Thing'em-Bob, and likewise — Never-mind, And 'St — 'st — 'st — and What's-his-name, and also — You- know-who — (The task of filling up the blanks I'd rather leave to you I) But it really doesn't matter whom you put upon the list. For they'd none of 'em be missed — they'd none of 'em be missed ! THE YARN OF THE "NANCY BELL' 'TwAS on the shores that round our coast From Deal to Ramsgate span, That I found alone on a piece of stone An elderly naval man. His hair was weedy, his beard was long, And weedy and long was he, And I heard this wight on the shore recite. In a singular minor key : , _ " Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig." loi The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell " And he shook his fists' and he tore his hair, Till I really felt afraid, For I couldn't help thinking the man had been drinking, And so I simply said : "Oh, elderly man, it's little I know Of the duties of men of the sea, But I'll eat my hand if I understand How you can possibly be "At once a cook, and a captain bold. And the mate of the Nancy brig. And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig." Then he gave a hitch to his trousers, which Is a trick all seamen lam. And having got rid of a thumping quid, He spun this painful yarn : " 'Twas in the good ship JVancy Bell That we sailed to the Indian sea, And there on a reef we come to grief. Which has often occurred to me. " And pretty nigh all o' the crew was drowned (There was seventy-seven o' soul). And only ten of the Nancfs men Said ' Here ! ' to the muster-roll. " There was me and the cook and the captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And the bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite. And the crew of the captain's gig. The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell " " For a month we'd neither wittles nor drink. Till a-hungry we did feel, So we drawed a lot, and accordin' shot The captain for our meal. " The next lot fell to the Nancy's mate. And a delicate dish he made ; Then our appetite with the midshipmite We seven survivors stayed. " And then we murdered the bo'sun tight. And he much resembled pig ; Then we wittled free, did the cook and me, On the crew of the captain's gig. " Then only the cook and me was left. And the delicate question, 'Which Of us two goes to the kettle?' arose And we argued it out as sich. " For I loved that cook as a brother, I did. And the cook he worshipped me ; But we'd both be blowed if we'd either be stowed In the other chap's hold, you see. " ' I'll be eat if you dines off me,' says Tom, 'Yes, that,' says I, 'you'll be,' — 'I'm boiled if I die, my friend,' quoth I, And 'Exactly so,' quoth he. ' Says he, ' Dear James, to murder me Were a foolish thing to do. For don't you see that you can't cook me. While I can — and will — cookj-ow/' lO.^ The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell " " So he boils the water, and takes the salt And the pepper in portions true (Which he never forgot), and some chopped shalot, And some sage and parsley too. " ' Come here,' says he, with a proper pride, Which his smiling features tell, ' 'Twill soothing be if I let you see. How extremely nice you'll smell.' "And he stirred it round and round and round. And he sniffed at the foaming froth ; When I ups with his heels, and smothers his squeals In the scum of the boiling broth. 104 The Yarn of the " Nancy Bell " " And I eat that cook in a week or less, And — as I eating be The last of his chops, why, I almost drops, For a wessel in sight I see ! " And I never grin, and I never smile, And I never larf nor play. But I sit and croak, and a single joke I have — which is to say : " Oh, I am a cook and a captain bold, And the mate of the Nancy brig, And a bo'sun tight, and a midshipmite, And the crew of the captain's gig ! " lOS GIRL GRADUATES They intend to send a wire To the moon ; And they'll set the Thames on fire Very soon ; Then they learn to make silk purses With their rigs From the ears of Lady Circe's Piggy-wigs. And weasels at their slumbers They'll trepan ; To get sunbeams from cucumbers They've a plan. They've a firmly rooted notion They can cross the Polar Ocean, And they'll find Perpetual Motion If they can ! These are the phenomena That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee ! io6 Girl Graduates As for fashion, they forswear it, So they say, And the circle — they will square it Some fine day ; Then the little pigs they're teaching For to fly ; And the niggers they'll be bleaching By-and-by ! Each newly joined aspirant To the clan Must repudiate the tyrant Known as Man ; They mock at him and flout him, For they do not care about him, And they're " going to do without him " If they can ! These are the phenomena That every pretty domina Hopes that we shall see At this Universitee ! zo? THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO From east and south the holy clan Of Bishops gathered, to a man ; To Synod, called Pan-Anglican, In flocking crowds they came. Among them was a Bishop, who Had lately been appointed to' The balmy isle of Rum-ti-Foo, And Peter was his name. His people — twenty-three in sum — They played the eloquent tum-tum. And lived on scalps served up in rum — The only sauce they knew. When first good Bishop Peter came (For Peter was that Bishop's name), To humour them, he did the same As they of Rum-ti-Foo. io8 The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo His flock, I've often heard him tell, (His name was Peter) loved him -well, And summoned by the sound of bell, In crowds together came. " Oh, massa, why you go away ? Oh, Massa Peter, please to stay." (They called him Peter, people say. Because it was his name.) He told them all good boys to be. And sailed away across the sea. At London Bridge that Bishop he Arrived one Tuesday night — And as forthwith he homeward strode To his Pan-Anglican abode. He passed along the Borough Road And saw a gruesome sight. He saw a crowd assembled round A person dancing on the ground. Who straight began to leap and bound With all his might and main. To see that dancing man he stopped, Who twirled and wriggled, skipped and hopped, Then down incontinently dropped. And then sprang up again. The Bishop chuckled at the sight, " This style of dancing would delight A simple Rum-ti-Foozleite, I'll learn it if I can. To please the tribe when I get back." He begged the man to teach his knack. "Right Reverend Sir, in half a crack," Replied that dancing man. 109 The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo The dancing man he worked away — And taught the Bishop every day — The dancer skipped like any fay — Good Peter did the same. The Bishop buckled to his task With battements, cuts, 3.nd /as de basque (I'll tell you, if you care to ask, That Peter was his name). "Come, walk like this," the dancer said, " Stick out your toes — stick in your head, Stalk on with quick, galvanic tread — Your fingers thus extend ; The attitude's considered quaint." The weary Bishop, feeling faint. Replied, " I do not say it ain't. But Time, my Christian friend.'' "We now proceed to something new — Dance as the Paynes and Lauris do. Like this — one, two — one, two — one, two.' The Bishop, never proud. JIO The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo But in an overwhelming heat (His name was Peter, I repeat) Performed the Payne and Lauri feat, And puffed his thanks aloud. Another game the dancer planned — " Just take your ankle in your hand, And try, my lord, if you can stand — Your body stiff and stark. If, when revisiting your see, You learnt to hop on shore — like me- The novelty would striking be, And must attract remark." "No," said the worthy Bishop, "No: That is a length to which, I trow, Colonial Bishops cannot go. You may express surprise At finding Bishops deal in pride — But, if that trick I ever tried, I should appear undignified In Rum-ti-Foozle's eyes. Ill The Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo " The islanders of Rum-ti-Foo Are well-conducted persons, who Approve a joke as much as you. And laugh at it as such ; But if they saw their Bishop land, His leg supported in his hand, The joke they wouldn't understand— 'Twould pain them very much ! " BRAID THE RAVEN HAIR Braid the raven hair, Weave the supple tress, Deck the maiden fair In her loveliness ; Paint the pretty face, Dye the coral lip, Emphasise the grace Of her ladyship ! Art and nature, thus allied, Go to make a pretty bride I Sit with downcast eye. Let it brim with dew j Try if you can cry. We will do so, too. When you're summoned, start Like a frightened roe ; Flutter, little heart. Colour, come and go ! Modesty at marriage tide Well becomes a pretty bride I "3 THE PRECOCIOUS BABY A VERY TRUE TALE \To be sung to the Air of the " Whistling Oyster.") An elderly person — a prophet by trade — With his quips and tips On withered old lips, He married a young and a beautiful maid ; The cunning old blade, Though rathe* decayed, He married a beautiful, beautiful maid. She was only eighteen, and as fair as could be, With her tempting smiles And maidenly wiles, 114 The Precocious Baby And he was a trifle of seventy-three : Now what she could see Is a puzzle to me, In a prophet of seventy — seventy-three ! Of all their acquaintances bidden (or bade) With their loud high jinks And underbred winks None thought they'd a family have — but they had ; A singular lad Who drove 'em half mad, He proved such a horribly fast little cad. For when he was born he astonished all by, With their " Law, dear me ! " " Did ever you see." He'd a weed in his mouth and a glass in his eye, A hat all awry — An octagon tie, And a miniature — miniature glass in his. eye. He grumbled at wearing a frock and a cap, With his " Oh dear, no ! " And his " Hang it ! 'oo know ! " And he turned up his nose at his excellent pap — " My friends, it's a tap Dat is not worf a rap." (Now this was remarkably excellent pap.) He'd chuck his nurse under the chin, and he'd say, With his "Fal, lal, lal "— " 'Oo doosed fine gal ! " "S The Precocious Baby This shocking precocity drove 'em away : "A month from to-day Is as long as I'll stay — Then I'd wish, if you please, for to go, if I may.' His father, a simple old gentleman, he With nursery rhyme And " Once on a time," Would tell him the story of " Little Bo-P," " So pretty was she, So pretty and wee. As pretty, as pretty, as pretty could be." But the babe, with a dig that would startle an ox, With his " C'ck ! Oh my !— Go along wiz 'oo, fie ! " Would exclaim, "I'm afraid 'oo a socking ole fox." Now a father it shocks. And it whitens his locks When his little babe calls him a shocking old fox. The name of his father he'd couple and pair (With his ill-bred laugh. And insolent chaff) With those of the nursery heroines rare ; Virginia the fair, Or Good Goldenhair, Till the nuisance was more than a prophet could bear. "There's Jill and White Cat " (said the bold little brat, With his loud, " Ha, ha ! ") " 'Oo sly ickle pa ! 3i6 The Precocious Baby Wiz 'oo Beauty, Bo-Peep, and 'oo Mrs. Jack Sprat ! I've noticed 'oo pat My pretty White Cat — I sink dear mamma ought to know about dat ' " He early determined to marry and wive, For better or worse With his elderly nurse — Which the poor little boy didn't live to contrive : His health didn't thrive — No longer alive, He died an enfeebled old dotard at five i 117 The Precocious Baby MORAL Now elderly men of the bachelor crew, With wrinkled hose And spectacled nose, Don't marry at all — you may take it as true If ever you do The step you will rue. For your babes will be elderly — elderly too. n8 THE WORKING MONARCH Rising early in the morning, We proceed to light the fire, Then our Majesty adorning In its work-a-day attire, We embark without delay On the duties of the day. First, we polish off some batches Of political despatches, And foreign politicians circumvent ; Then, if business isn't heavy, We may hold a Royal levee, Or ratify some Acts of Parliament : Then we probably review the household troops — With the usual " Shalloo humps '' and " Shalloo hoops ! " Or receive with ceremonial and state An interesting Eastern Potentate. After that we generally Go and dress our private valet — 119 The Working Monarch (It's a rather nervous duty — he a touchy little man)— Write some letters literary For our private secretary — (He is shaky in his spelling, so we help him if we can.) Then, in view of cravings inner, We go down and order dinner ; Or we polish the Regalia and the Coronation Plate — Spend an hour in titivating All our Gentlemen-in- Waiting ; Or we run on little errands for the Ministers of State. Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, Yet the duties are delightful, and the privileges great ; But the privilege and pleasure That we treasure beyond measure is to run on little errands for the Ministers of State ! After luncheon (making merry On a bun and glass of sherry). If we've nothing in particular to do. We may make a Proclamation, Or receive a Deputation — Then we possibly create a Peer or two. Then we help a fellow-creature on his path With the Garter or the Thistle or the Bath : Or we dress and toddle off in semi-State To a festival, a function, or a.fite. Then we go and stand as sentry At the Palace (private entry). Marching hither, marching thither, up and down and to and fro. While the warrior on duty Goes in search of beer and beauty (And it generally happens that he hasn't far to go). He relieves us, if he's able, Just in time to lay the table, ISO The Working Monarch Then we dine and serve the coffee ; and at half-past twelve or one, With a pleasure that's emphatic ; Then we seek our Httle attic With the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done. Oh, philosophers may sing Of the troubles of a King, But of pleasures there are many and of troubles there are none ; And the culminating pleasure That we treasure beyond measure Is the gratifying feeling that our duty has been done ! TO PHCEBE " Gentle, modest, little flower, Sweet epitome of May, Love me but for half-an-hour, Love me, love me, little fay." Sentences so fiercely flaming In your tiny shell-like ear, I should always be exclaiming If I loved you, Phcebe, dear. "Smiles that thrill from any distance Shed upon me while I sing ! Please ecstaticise existence. Love me, oh thou fairy thing ! " Words like these, outpouring sadly. You'd perpetually hear. If I loved you, fondly, madly ; — But I do not, Phcebe, dear. THE APE AND THE LADY A LADY fair, of lineage high, Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by — The Maid was radiant as the sun. The Ape was a most unsightly one — So it would not do — His scheme fell through ; For the Maid, when his love took formal shape, Expressed such terror At his monstrous error, That he stammered an apology and made his 'scape, The picture of a disconcerted Ape, 123 The Ape and the Lady with a view to rise in the social scale, He shaved his bristles, and he docked his tail. He grew moustachios, and he took his tub. And he paid a guinea to a toilet club. But it would not do. The scheme fell through — For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen, With golden tresses. Like a real princess's. While the Ape, despite his razor keen. Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen ! He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits, He crammed his feet into bright tight boots, And to start his life on a brand-new plan, He christened himself Darwinian Man ! But it would not do, The scheme fell through — For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey craved, Was a radiant Being, With a brain far-seeing — - While a Man, however well-behaved At bcbt is only a monkey shaved ! 124 BAINES CAREW, GENTLEMAN Of all the good attorneys who Have placed their names upon the roll, But few could equal Baines Carew For tender-heartedness and soul. Whene'er he heard a tale of woe From client A or client B, His grief would overcome him so, He'd scarce have strength to take his fee. It laid him up for many days. When duty led him to distrain ; And serving writs, although it pays, Gave him excruciating pain. 125 Baines Carew, Gentlemarj He made out costs, distrained for rent, Foreclosed and sued, with moistened eye- No bill of costs could represent The value of such sympathy. No charges can approximate The worth of sympathy with woe ; Although I think I ought to state He did his best to make them so. Of all the many clients who Had mustered round his legal flag, No single client of the crew Was half so dear as Captain Bagg. Now Captain Bagg had bowed him to A heavy matrimonial yoke : His wifey had of faults a few — She never could resist a joke. Her chaff at first he meekly bore, Till unendurable it grew. " To stop this persecution sore I will consult my friend Carew. " And when Carew's advice I've got. Divorce a mensa I shall try" (A legal separation — not A vinculo conjugii^ " O Baines Carew, my woe I've kept A secret hitherto, you know ; " — (And Baines Carew, Esquire, he wept To hear that Bagg had any woe). 126 Baines Carew, Gentleman " My case, indeed, is passing sad, My wife — whom I considered true — With brutal conduct drives me mad." "I am appalled," said Baines Carew. " What ! sound the matrimonial knell Of worthy people such as these ' Why was I an attorney ? ^Vell — ■ Go on to the scevitia, please." "Domestic bliss has proved my bane, A harder case you never heard, My wife (in other matters sane) Pretends that I'm a Dicky Bird ! " She makes me sing, ' Too-whit, too-wee ! ' And stand upon a rounded stick. And always introduces me To every one as ' Pretty Dick ' ! " 127 Baines Carew, Gentleman "Oh dear," said weeping Baines Carew, " This is the direst case I know " — "I'm grieved," said Bagg, "at paining you To Cobb and Polterthwaite I'll go. ' To Cobb's cold calculating ear My gruesome sorrows I'll impart " — ' No ; stop," said Baines, " I'll dry my tea) And steel my sympathetic heart ! " " She makes me perch upon a tree, Rewarding me with, ' Sweety — nice ! And threatens to exhibit me With four or five performing mice.'' " Restrain my tears I wish I could " (Said Baines), " I don't know what to do." Said Captain Bagg, "You're very good.'* " Oh, not at all," said Bainbs Carew. 128 Baines Carew, Gentleman " She makes me fire a gun," said Bagg ; "And at a preconcerted word Climb up a ladder with a Jiag, Like any street-performing bird. " She places sugar in my way — In public places calls me ' Sweet ! ' — ^ She gives me groundsel every day, And hard canary seed to eat." " Oh, woe ! oh, sad ! oh, dire to tell ! " (Said Baines), " Be good enough to stop." And senseless on the floor he fell With unpremeditated flop. Said Captain Bagg, " Well, really I Am grieved to think it pains you so. I thank you for your sympathy ; But, hang it — come — I say, you know ! " But Baines lay flat upon the floor. Convulsed with sympathetic sob — The Captain toddled off next door, And gave the case to Mr. Cobb. 329 ONLY ROSES To a garden full of posies Cometh one to gather flowers ; And he wanders through its bowers Toying with the wanton roses, Who, uprising from their beds, Hold on high their shameless heads With their pretty lips a-pouting, Never doubting — never doubting That for Cytherean posies He would gather aught but roses. In a nest of weeds and nettles, Lay a violet, half hidden ; Hoping that his glance unbidden Yet might fall upon her petals. Though she lived alone, apart, Hope lay nestling at her heart, But, alas ! the cruel awaking Set her little heart a-breaking. For he gathered for his posies Only roses — only roses ! 130 THOMAS WINTERBOTTOM HANCE In all the towns and cities fair On Merry England's broad expanse, No swordsman ever could compare With Thomas Winterbottom Hance. The dauntless lad could fairly hew A silken handkerchief in twain, Divide a leg of mutton, too — And this without unwholesome strain. On whole half-sheep, with cunning trick, His sabre sometimes he'd employ — No bar of lead, however thick, Had terrors for the stalwart boy. Thomas Winterbottom Hance At Dover daily he'd prepare To hew and slash, behind, before — Which aggravated Monsieur Pierre, Who watched him from the Calais shore. It caused good Pierre to swear and dance, The sight annoyed and vexed him so ; He was the bravest man in France — He said so, and he ought to know. 'Regardez, done, ce cochon gros — ■ Ce polisson ! Oh, sacrd bleu ! Son sabre, son plomb, et ses gigots ! Comma cela m'ennuye, enfin, mon Dieu ! 132 Thomas Winterbottom Hancc "II salt que les foulards de soie Give no retaliating whack — Les gigots morts n'ont pas de quoi — Le plomb don't ever hit you back." But every day the zealous lad Cut lead and mutton more and more ; And every day, poor Pierre, half mad, Shrieked loud defiance from his shore. Hance had a mother, poor and old, A simple, harmless village dame, Who crowed and clapped as people told Of Winterbottom's rising fame. She said, " I'll be upon the spot To see my Tommy's sabre-play " ; And so she left her leafy cot. And walked to Dover in a day. Pierre had a doting mother, who Had heard of his defiant rage : His ma was nearly eighty-two, And rather dressy for her age. At Hance's doings every morn. With sheer delight his mother cried ; And Monsieur Pierre's contemptuous scorn Filled his mamma with proper pride. But Hance's powers began to fail — His constitution was not strong — And Pierre, who once was stout and hale. Grew thin from shouting all day long. ^33 Thomas Winterbottom Hance Their mothers saw them pale and wan, Maternal anguish tore each breast, And so they met to find a plan To set their offsprings' minds at rest. Said Mrs. Hance, " Of course I shrinks From bloodshed, ma'am, as you're aware, But still they'd better meet, I thinks." " Assurement ! " said Madame Pierre A sunny spot in sunny France Was hit upon for this affair ; The ground was picked by Mrs. Hance, The stakes were pitched by Madame Pierre. Said Mrs. H., "Your work you see — Go in, my noble boy, and win." " En garde, .mon fils ! " said Madame P. "Allons!" "Goon!" " En garde ! " "Begin!" 134 Thomas Winterbottom Hance Loud sneered the doughty man of France, " Ho ! ho ! Ho ! ho ! Ha ! ha ! Ha ! ha ! " " The French for ' Pish ! ' " said Thomas Hance. Said Pierre, " L' Anglais, Monsieur, pour 'bah !" Said Mrs. H., " Come, one ! two ! three ! — We're sittin' here to see all fair " ; "C'est magnifique ! " said Madame P., " Mais, parbleu ! ce n'est pas la guerre ! '"' " Je scorn un foe si lache que vous," Said Pierre, the doughty son of France. " I fight not coward foe like you ! " Said our undaunted Tommy Hance. " The French for ' Pooh ! ' " our Tommy cried. " L' Anglais pour ' Va ! '" the Frenchman crowed And so, with undiminished pride, Each went on his respective road. I3S THE ROVER'S APOLOGY Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray ; Though I own that my heart has been ranging, Of nature the laws I obey, For nature is constantly changing. The moon in her phases is found. The time and the wind and the weather. The months in succession come round, And you don't find two Mondays together. Consider the moral, I pray. Nor bring a young fellow to sorrow. Who loves this young lady to-day, And loves that young lady to-morrow = You cannot eat breakfast all day. Nor is it the act of a sinner. When breakfast is taken away. To turn your attention to dinner ; 136 The Rover's Apology And it's not in the range of belief That you could hold him as a glutton, Who, when he is tired of beef, Determines to tackle the mutton. But this I am ready to say. If it will diminish their sorrow, I'll marry this lady to-day, And I'll marry that lady to-morrow ! 137 A DISCONTENTED SUGAR BROKER A GENTLEMAN of City fame Now claims your kind attention ; West India broking was his game, His name I shall not mention; No one of finely pointed sense Would violate a confidence, And shall / go And do it ? No. His name I shall not mention. He had a trusty wife and true, And very cosy quarters, A manager, a boy or two. Six clerks, and seven porters. A broker must be doing well (As any lunatic can tell) Who can employ An active boy, Six clerks, and seven porters. 138 A Discontented Sugar Broker His knocker advertised no dun, No losses made him sulky, He had one sorrow — only one — He was extremely bulky. A man must be, I beg to state, Exceptionally fortunate Who owns his chief And only grief Is being very bulky. "This load," he'd say, "I. cannot bear, I'm nineteen stone or twenty ! Henceforward I'll go in for air And exercise in plenty.'' Most people think that, should it come, They can reduce a bulging turn To measures fair By taking air And exercise in plenty. In every weather, every day. Dry, muddy, wet, or gritty. He took to dancing all the way From Brompton to the City. You do not often get the chance Of seeing sugar-brokers dance From their abode In Fulham Road Through Brompton to the City. He braved the gay and guileless laugh Of children with their nusses. The loud uneducated chaff Of clerks on omnibuses. 139 A Discontented Sugar Broker Against all minor things that rack A nicely balanced mind, I'll back The noisy chaff And ill-bred laugh Of clerks on omnibuses. His friends, who heard his money chink. And saw the house he rented. And knew his wife, could never think What made him discontented. It never struck their simple minds That fads are of eccentric kinds, Nor would they own That fat alone Could make one discontented. " Your riches know no kind of pause. Your trade is fast advancing, You dance — but not for joy, because You weep as you are dancing. 140 A Discontented Sugar Broker To dance implies that man is glad, To weep implies that man is sad. But here are you Who do the two — You weep as you are dancing ! " His mania soon got noised about And into all the papers — His size increased beyond a doubt For all his reckless capers : It may seem singular to you, But all his friends admit it true— The more he found His figure round. The more he cut his capers. His bulk increased — no matter that— He tried the more to toss it — He never spoke of it as " fat " But "adipose deposit." Upon my word, it seems to me Unpardonable vanity (And worse than that) To call your fat An "adipose deposit." 141 A Discontented Sugar Broker At length his brawny knees gave way, And on the carpet sinking, Upon his shapeless back he lay And kicked away like winking. Instead of seeing in his state The finger of unswerving Fate, He laboured still To work his will, And kicked away like winking. His friends, disgusted with him now, Away in silence wended — ■ I hardly like to tell you how This dreadful story ended. The shocking sequel to impart, I must employ the limner's art— If you would know. This sketch will show How his exertions ended. I hate to preach — I hate to prate — I'm no fanatic croaker. But learn contentment from the fate Of this West India broker. He'd everything a man of taste Could ever want, except a waist : And discontent His size anent. And bootless perseverance blind. Completely wrecked the peace of mind Of this West India broker. 143 AN APPEAL Oh ! is there not one maiden breasr Which does not feel the moral beauty Of making worldly interest Subordinate to sense of duty ? Who would not give up willingly All matrimonial ambition To rescue such a one as I From his unfortunate position ? Oh, is there not one maiden here, Whose homely face and bad complexion Have caused all hopes to disappear Of ever winning man's affection ? To such a one, if such there be, I swear by heaven's arch above you, If you will cast your eyes on me, — However plain you be — I'll love you ! 143 THE PANTOMIME "SUPER" MASK TO HIS Vast, empty shell ! Impertinent, preposterous abortion : With vacant stare. And ragged hair, And every feature out of all proportion ! Embodiment of echoing inanity, Excellent type of simpering insanity. Unwieldy, clumsy nightmare of humanity, I ring thy knell ! To-night thou diest, Beast that destroy'st my heaven-born identity ! Twelve weeks of nights Before the lights. Swamped in thine own preposterous nonentity, I've been ill-treated, cursed, and thrashed diurnally, Credited for the smile you wear externally — ■ I feel disposed to smash thy face, infernally, As there thou hest ! 144 The Pantomime " Super " to his Mask I've been thy brain : I've been the brain that lit thy dull concavity ! The human race Invest my face With thine expression of unchecked depravity : Invested with a ghastly reciprocity, I've been responsible for thy monstrosity, I, for thy wanton, blundering ferocity — ■ But not again ! 'Tis time to toll Thy knell, and that of follies pantomimical : A twelve weeks' run. And thou hast done All thou canst do to make thyself inimical. Adieu, embodiment of all inanity ! Excellent type of simpering insanity ! Unwieldy, clumsy nightmare of humanity ! Freed is thy soul 1 {The Mask respondeth.) Oh ! master mine. Look thou within thee, ere again ill-using me. Art thou aware Of nothing there Which might abuse thee, as thou art abusing me ? A brain that mourns thine unredeemed rascality ? A soul that weeps at thy threadbare morality? Both grieving that their individuality Is merged in thine ? 145 THE REWARD OF MERIT Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age : His tragedies were reckoned much too thoughtful for the stage ; His poems held a no'ble rank, although it's very true That, being very proper, they were read by very few. He was a famous Painter, too, and shone upon the "line," And even Mr. Ruskin came and worshipped at his shrine ; But, alas, the school he followed was heroically high — The kind of Art men rave about, but very seldom buy ; And everybody said " How can he be repaid — This very great — this very good — this very gifted man ? " But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan ! 146 The Reward of Merit He was a great Inventor, and discovered, all alone, A plan for making everybody's fortune but his own ; For, in business, an Inventor's little better than a fool. And my highly-gifted friend was no exception to the rule. His poems — people read them in the Quarterly Reviews — His pictures — they engraved them in the Illustrated News — His inventions— they, perhaps, might have enriched him by degrees. But all his little income went in Patent Office fees; And everybody said " How can he be repaid — This very great — this very good — this very gifted man?" But nobody could hit upon a practicable plan ! At last the point was given up in absolute despair, When a distant cousin died, and he became a millionaire. With a county seat in Parliament, a moor or two of grouse, And a taste for making inconvenient speeches in the House ! Then it flashed upon Britannia that the fittest of rewards Was, to take him from the Commons and to put him in the Lords ! And who so fit to sit in it, deny it if you can. As this very great — this very good — this very gifted man ? (Though I'm more than half afraid That it sometimes may be said That we never should have revelled in that source of proper pride. However great his merits — if his cousin hadn't died !) 147 THE GHOST, THE GALLANT, THE GAEL, AND THE GOBLIN O'er unreclaimed suburban clay Some years ago were hobblin', An elderly ghost of easy ways. And an influential goblin. The ghost was a sombre spectral shape, A fine old five-act fogy. The goblin imp, a lithe young ape, A fine low-comedy bogy. And as they exercised their joints, Promoting quick digestion. They talked on several curious points. And raised this pregnant question : " Which of us two is Number One — The ghostie, or the goblin ? " And o'er the point they raised in fun They fairly fell a-squabblin'. 148 The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, the Goblin They'd barely speak, and each, in fine, Grew more and more reflective, Each thought his own particular line By far the more effective. At length they settled some one should By each ,of them be haunted. And so arranged that either could Exert his prowess vaunted. " The Quaint against the Statuesque " — By competition lawful — The goblin backed the Quaint Grotesque, The ghost the Grandly Awful. " Now," said the goblin, " here's my plan- In attitude commanding, I see a stalwart Englishman By yonder tailor's standing. " The very fittest man on earth My influence to try on — ■ Of gentle, p'raps of noble birth, And dauntless as a lion ! Now wrap yourself within your shroud — Remain in easy hearing — ■ Observe — you'll hear him scream aloud When I begin appearing ! " The imp with yell unearthly — wild — Threw off his dark enclosure : His dauntless victim looked and smiled With singular composure. For hours he tried to daunt the youth, For days, indeed, but vainly — The stripling smiled ! — to tell the truth, The stripling smiled inanely. 149 The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, the Goblin For weeks the goblin weird and wild, That noble stripling haunted ; For weeks the stripling stood and smiled Unmoved and all undaunted. The sombre ghost exclaimed, " Your plan Has failed you, goblin, plainly : Now watch yon hardy Hieland man, So stalwart and ungainly. " These are the men who chase the roe, Whose footsteps never falter, Who bring with them where'er they go, A smack of old Sir Walter. Of such as he, the men sublime A\'ho lead their troops victorious, Whose deeds go down to after-time, Enshrined in annals glorious ! The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, the Goblin " Of such as he the bard has said ' Hech thrawfu' raltie rawkie ! Wi' thecht ta' croonie clapperhead And fash' wi' unco pawkie ! ' He'll faint away when I appear Upon his native heather ; Or p'raps he'll only scream with fear. Or p'raps the two together." The spectre showed himself, alone. To do his ghostly battling, With curdling groan and dismal moan And lots of chains a-rattling ! But no — the chiel's stout GaeHc stuff Withstood all ghostly harrying, His fingers closed upon the snuff Which upwards he was carrying. 151 The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, the Goblin For days that ghost declined to stir, A foggy, shapeless giant — For weeks that splendid officer Stared back again defiant ! Just as the Englishman returned The goblin's vulgar staring. Just so the Scotchman boldly spurned The ghost's unmannered scaring. For several years the ghostly twain These Britons bold have haunted, But all their efforts are in vain — Their victims stand undaunted. Unto this day the imp and ghost (Whose powers the imp derided) Stand each at his allotted post-^ The bet is undecided. 152 THE MAGNET AND THE CHURN A Magnet hung in a hardware shop, And all around was a loving crop Of scissors and needles, nails and knives, Offering love for all their lives ; But for iron the Magnet felt no whim. Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him, From needles and nails and knives he'd turn. For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn ! His most aesthetic, Very magnetic Fancy took this turn — ■ " If I can wheedle A knife or needle. Why not a Silver Churn ? " 153 The Magnet and the Churn And Iron and Steel expressed surprise, The needles opened their well-drilled eyes, The pen-knives felt " shut up," no doubt. The scissors declared themselves "cut out," The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said, While every nail went off its head, And hither and thither began to roam. Till a hammer came up — and drove it home While this magnetic Peripatetic Lover he lived to learn. By no endeavour, Can Magnet ever Attract a Silver Churn i 1 54 KING BORRIA BUNGALEE BOO King Borria Bungalee Boo Was a man-eating African swell ; His sigh was a hullaballoo, His whisper a horrible yell — A horrible, horrible yell ! Four subjects, and all of them male, To Borria doubled the knee. They were once on a far larger scale, But he'd eaten the balance, you see (" Scale " and " balance " is punning, you see). King Borria Bungalee Boo There was haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah, There was lumbering Doodle-Dum-Dek, Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah, And good little Tootle-Tum-Teh- Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Teh. One day there was grief in the crew, For they hadn't a morsel of meat, And Borria Bungalee Boo Was dying for something to eat — " Come, provide me with something to eat " Alack-a-Dey, famished I feel ; Oh, good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, Where on earth shall I look for a meal ? For I haven't had dinner to-day ! — Not a morsel of dinner to-day ! "h^ " Dear Tootle-Tum, what shall we do ? Come, get us a meal, or in truth. If you don't we shall have to eat you. Oh, adorable friend of our youth ! Thou beloved little friend of our youth ! " TS6 King Borria Bungalee Boo And he answered, " Oh, Bungalee Boo, For a moment I hope you will wait, — TiPPY-WlPPITY TOL-THE-ROL-LOO Is the Queen of a neighbouring state — A remarkably neighbouring state. '■■ TiPPY-WlPPITY TOL-THE-ROL-LOO, She would pickle deliciously cold — And her four pretty Amazons, too. Are enticing, and not very old — Twenty-seven is not very old. " There is neat little Titty-Fol-Leh, There is rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah, There is jocular Waggety-Weh, There is musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah — There's the nightingale Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah ! " So the forces of Bungalee Boo Marched forth in a terrible row. And the ladies who fought for Queen Loo Prepared to encounter the foe — ■ This dreadful insatiate foe ! 157 King Borria Bungalee Boo But they sharpened no weapons at all, And they poisoned no arrows — not theyi They made ready to conquer or fall In a totally different way — A perfectly different way. With a crimson and pearly-white dye They endeavoured to make themselves fair ; With black they encircled each eye, And with yellow they painted their hair. (It was wool, but they thought it was hair.) The warriors met in the field : And the men of King Borria said, " Amazonians, immediately yield ! " And their arrows they drew to the head — Yes, drew them right up to the head. / But jocular Waggety-Weh Ogled Doodle-Dum-Deh (which was wrong), And neat little Titty-Fol-Leh Said, "Tootle-Tum, you go along ! You naughty old dear, go along ! " And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah Tapped Alack-a-Dey-Ah with her fan ; And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah Said, " Pish, go away, you bad man ! Go away, you delightful young man ! " And the Amazons simpered and sighed, And they ogled, and giggled, and flushed, And they opened their pretty eyes wide, And they chuckled, and flirted, and blushed (At least, if they could, they'd have blushed). iS8 King Borria Bungalee Boo But haughty Pish-Tush-Pooh-Bah Said, " Alack-a-Dey, what does this mean ? " And despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah Said, " They think us uncommonly green — Ha ! ha ! most uncommonly green ! " Even blundering Doodle-Dum-Deh Was insensible quite to their leers, And said good little Tootle-Tum-Teh, " It's your blood that we're wanting, my dears- We have come for our dinners, my dears ! " ■»^ And the Queen of the Amazons fell To Borria Bungalee Boo, — In a mouthful he gulped, with a yell, TiPPY-WippiTY Tol-the-Rol-Loo — • The pretty Queen Tol-the-Rol-I.oo. 159 King Borria Bungalee Boo And neat little Titty- Fol-Leh Was eaten by Pish-Pooh-Bah, And light-hearted AVaggety-Weh By dismal Alack-a-Dey-Ah — Despairing Alack-a-Dey-Ah. And rollicking Tral-the-Ral-Lah Was eaten by Doodle-Dum-Deh, And musical Doh-Reh-Mi-Fah By good little Tootle-Tum-Tef— Exemplary Tootle-Tum-Tfh 1 60 THE FAMILY FOOL Oh ! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon, If you listen to popular rumour ; From morning to night he's so joyous and bright, And he bubbles with wit and good humour ! He's so quaint and so terse, both in prose and in verse ; Yet though people forgive his transgression, There are one or two rules that all Family Fools Must observe, if they love their profession. There are one or two rules, Half-a-dozen, maybe. That all family fools. Of whatever degree. Must observe if they love their profession;- If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need To consider each person's auricular : What is all right for B would quite scandalise C (For C is so very particular) ; i6i The Family Fool And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull Is as empty of brains as a ladle ; While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp, That he's known your best joke from his cradle .' When your humour they flout, You can't let yourself go; And it does put you out When a person says, " Oh ! I have known that old joke from my cradle ! " If your master is surly, from getting up early (And tempers are short in the morning), An inopportune joke is enough to provoke Him to give you, at once, a month's warning. Then if you refrain, he is at you again. For he likes to get value for money : He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare, " If you know that you're paid to be funny ? " It adds to the tasks Of a merryman's place, When your principal asks. With a scowl on his face, If you know that you're paid to be funny ? Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D. — Oh, beware of his anger provoking ! Better not pull his hair — don't stick pins in his chair; He won't understand practical joking. If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack. You may get a bland smile from these sages ; But should it, by chance, be imported from France, Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages ! It's a general rule. Though your zeal it may quench. If the Family Fool Makes a joke that's too French, Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages ! 162 The Family Fool Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack, And your senses with toothache you're losing, And you're mopy and flat — they don't fine you for that If you're properly quaint and amusing ! Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day. And took with her your trifle of money ; Bless your heart, they don't mind' — they're exceedingly kind — They don't blame you — as long as you're funny ! It's a comfort to feel If your partner should flit. Though jc^M suffer a deal. They don't mind it a bit — ■ They don't blame you — so long as you're funny ! 163 ^■ip X THE PERIWINKLE GIRL I've often thought that headstrong youths Of decent education, Determine all-important truths, With strange precipitation. The ever-ready victims they, Of logical illusions, And in a self-assertive way They jump at strange conclusions. Now take my case : Ere sorrow could My ample forehead wrinkle, I had determined that I should Not care to be a winkle. 164 The Periwinkle Girl "A winkle," I would oft advance With readiness provoking, " Can seldom flirt, and never dance, Or soothe his mind by smoking." In short, I spurned the shelly joy, And spoke with strange decision- Men pointed to me as a boy Who held them in derision. But I was young — too young, by far- Or I had been more wary, I knew not then that winkles are The stock-in-trade of Mary. I had not watched her sunlight blithe As o'er their shells it dances — I've seen those winkles almost writhe Beneath her beaming glances. Of slighting all the winkly brood I surely had been chary. If I had known they formed the food And stock-in-trade of Mary. Both high and low and great and small Fell prostrate at her tootsies. They all were noblemen, and all Had balances at Coutts's. Dukes with the lovely maiden dealt, Duke Bailey and Duke Humphy, Who ate her winkles till they felt Exceedingly uncomfy. i6S The Periwinkle Girl Duke Bailey greatest wealth computes, And sticks, they say, at no-thing, He wears a pair of golden boots And silver underclothing. Duke Humphy, as I understand, Though mentally acuter, His boots are only silver, and His underclothing pewter. A third adorer had the girl, A man of lowly station — • A miserable grov'ling Earl Besought her approbation. This humble cad she did refuse With much contempt and loathing, He wore a pair of leather shoes And cambric underclothing I 166 The Periwinkle Girl " Ha ! ha ! " she cried " Upon my word ! Well, really — come, I never ! Oh, go along, it's too ?ibsurd ! My goodness ! Did you ever ? " Two Dukes would Mary make a bride, And from her foes defend her " — "Well, not exactly that," they cried, " We offer guilty splendour. " We do not offer marriage rite, So please dismiss the notion ! " "Oh dear," said she, "that alters quite The state of my emotion." The Earl he up and says, says he, " Dismiss them to their orgies. For I am game to marry thee Quite reg'lar at St. George's." (He'd had, it happily befell, A decent education. His views would have befitted well A far superior station.) His sterling worth had worked a cure, She never heard him grumble ; She saw his soul was good and pure. Although his rank was humble. 167 The Periwinkle Girl Her views of earldoms and their lot, All underwent expansion — Come, Virtue in an earldom's cot! Go, Vice in ducal mansion ! i68 SANS SOUCI I CANNOT tell what this love may be That cometh to all but not to me. It cannot be kind as they'd imply, Or why do these gentle ladies sigh ? It cannot be joy and rapture deep, Or why do these gentle ladies weep ? It cannot be blissful, as 'tis said, Or why are their eyes so wondrous red ? 169 Sans Souci If love is a thorn, they show no wit Who foolishly hug and foster it. If love is a weed, how simple they Who gather and gather it, day by day ! If love is a nettle that makes you smart, Why do you wear it next your heart ? And if it be neither of these, say I, Why do you sit and sob and sigh ? 1 70 THOMSON GREEN AND HARRIET HALE (Zb be sung to the Air of"An 'Orrible Tale.") Oh list to this incredible tale Of Thomson Green and Harriet Hale ; Its truth in one remark you'll sum — "Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum ! " twaddle Oh, Thomson Green was an auctioneer, And made three hundred pounds a year ; And Harriet Hale, most strange to say, Gave pianoforte lessons at a sovereign a day. Oh, Thomson Green, I may remark. Met Harriet Hale in Regent's Park, Where he, in a casual kind of way. Spoke of the extraordinary beauty of the day. 171 Thomson Green and Harriet Hale They met again, and strange, though true, He courted her for a month or two. Then to her pa he said, says he, "Old man, I love your daughter and your daughter worships me ! " Their names were regularly banned, The wedding day was settled, and I've ascertained by dint of search They were married on the quiet at St. Mary Abbot's Church. Oh, list to this incredible tale Of Thomson Green and Harriet Hale, Its truth in one remark you'll sum — "Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum ! " That very self-same afternoon They started on their honeymoon, And (oh, astonishment !) took flight To a pretty little cottage close to Shanklin, Isle of Wight. But now — you'll doubt my word, I know — In a month they both returned, and lo ! Astounding fact ! this happy pair Took a gentlemanly residence in Canonbury Square ! They led a weird and reckless life, They dined each day, this man and wife (Pray disbelieve it, if you please), On a joint of meat, a pudding, and a little bit of cheese. In time came those maternal joys Which take the form of girls or boys, And strange to say of each they'd one — A tiddy-iddy daughter, and a tiddy-iddy son ! 172 Thomson Green and Harriet Hale Oh, list to this incredible tale Of Thomson Green and Harriet Hale, Its truth in one remark you'll sum — 'Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum 1 " twaddle My name for truth, is gone, I fear, But, monstrous as it may appear, They let their drawing-room one day To an eligible person in the cotton-broking way. Whenever Thomson Green fell sick His wife called in a doctor, quick. From whom some words like these would come — Fiat mist, sumendum haustus, in a cochleyareum. For thirty years this curious pair Hung out in Canonbury Square, And somehow, wonderful to say. They loved each other dearly in a quiet sort of way. 173 Thomson Green and Harriet Hale Well, Thomson Green fell ill and died ; For just a year his widow cried, And then her heart she gave away To the eligible lodger in the cotton-broking way. Oh, list to this incredible tale Of Thomson Green and Harriet Hale, Its truth in one remark you'll sum — ■ "Twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twaddle twum ! " twaddle 174 A RECIPE Take a pair of sparkling eyes, Hidden, ever and anon, In a merciful eclipse — Do not heed their mild surprise — Having passed the Rubicon. Take a pair of rosy lips ; Take a figure trimly planned — Such as admiration whets (Be particular in this) ; Take a tender little hand, Fringed with dainty fingerettes. Press it — in parenthesis ; — Take all these, you lucky man — Take and keep them, if you can. Take a pretty little cot — Quite a miniature affair — Hung about with trellised vine, Furnish it upon the spot With the treasures rich and rare I've endeavoured to define. Live to love and love to live — You will ripen at your ease. Growing on the sunny side — Fate has nothing more to give. You're a dainty man to please If you are not satisfied. Take my counsel, happy man : Act upon it, if you can ! 175 BOB POLTER Bob Polter was a navvy, and His hands were coarse, and dirty too. His homely face was rough and tanned, His time of hfe was thirty-two. He hved among a working clan (A wife he hadn't got at all), A decent, steady, sober man — No saint, however — not at all 176 Bob Polter He smoked, but in a modest way, Because he thought he needed it He drank a pot of beer a day, And sometimes he exceeded it. At times he'd pass with other men A loud convivial night or two, With, very likely, now and then, On Saturdays, a fight or two. But still he was a sober soul, A labour-never-shrinking man, Who paid his way — upon the whole, A decent English working-man. One day, when at the Nelson's Head (For which he may be blamed of you), A holy man appeared and said, "Oh, Robert, I'm ashamed of you." 177 N ^ Bob Polter He laid his hand on Robert's beer Before he could drink up any, And on the floor, with sigh and tear, He poured the pot of " thruppenny.' " Oh, Robert, at this very bar, A truth you'll be discovering, A good and evil genius are Around your noddle hovering. " They both are here to bid you shun The other one's society. For Total Abstinence is one. The other, Inebriety.'' He waved his hand — a vapour came — A wizard, Polter reckoned him : A bogy rose and called his name. And with his finger beckoned him. The monster's salient points to sum. His breath was hot as cautery ; His glowing nose suggested rum ; His eyes were gin-and-watery. His dress was torn — for dregs of ale And slops of gin had rusted it ; His pimpled face was wan and pale. Where filth had not encrusted it. " Come, Polter," said the fiend, " begin, And keep the bowl a-flowing on — A working-man needs pints of gin To keep his clockwork going on." 178 Bob Polter Bob shuddered : " Ah, you've made a miss, If you take me for one of you — You filthy brute, get out of this — Bob Polter don't want none of you." The demon gave a drunken shriek, And crept away in stealthiness. And lo, instead, a person sleek Who seemed to burst with healthiness. " In me, as your adviser hints, Of Abstinence you've got a type- Of Mr. Tweedie's pretty prints I am the happy prototype. 179 Bob Polter " If you abjure the social toast, And pipes, and such frivolities, You possibly some day may boast My prepossessing qualities ! " Bob rubbed his eyes, and made 'em blink, " You almost make me tremble, you ! If I abjure fermented drink. Shall I, indeed, resemble you ? "And will my whiskers curl so tight? My cheeks grow smug and muttony ? My face become so pink and white ? My coat so blue and buttony ? " Will trousers, such as yours, array Extremities inferior ? Will chubbiness assert its sway All over my exterior ? " In this, my unenlightened state, To work in heavy boots I comes — Will pumps henceforward decorate My tiddle toddle tootsicums ? "And shall I get so plump and fresh, And look no longer seedily ? My skin will henceforth fit my flesh So tightly and so TwEEDiE-ly ? " The phantom said, "You'll have all this. You'll have no kind of hufifiness, Your life will be one chubby bliss. One long unruffled puffiness ! " 1 80 Bob Poker " Be ofiF," said irritated Bob, " Why come you here to bother one ? You Pharisaical old snob, You're wuss, almost, than t'other one ! " I takes my pipe — I takes my pot. And drunk I'm never seen to be I'm no teetotaller or sot, And as I am I mean to be ! " i8i }^ ' IT THE MERRYMAN AND HIS MAID He. I HAVE a song to sing, O ! She. Sing me your song, O ! He. It is sung to tlie moon By a love-lorn loon. Who fled from the mocking throng, O ! It's the song of a merryman, moping mum. Whose soul was sad, whose glance was glum. Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye. Heighdy ! heighdy ! Misery me — lackadaydee ! He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb. As he sighed for the love of a ladye 1 She. I have a song to sing, O ! He. Sing me your song, O ! She. It is sung with the ring Of the song maids sing Who love with a love life-long, O ! 182 The Merryman and his Maid It's the song of a merrymaid, peerly proud, Who loved a lord, and who laughed aloud At the moan of the merryman, moping mum, Whose soul was sore, whose glance was glum, Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! Heighdy ! heighdy ! Misery me — lackadaydee ! He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! He. I have a song to sing, O ! She. Sing me your song, O ! He. It is sung to the knell Of a churchyard bell. And a doleful dirge, ding dong, O ! It's a song of a popinjay, bravely born. Who turned up his noble nose with scorn At the humble merrymaid, peerly proud, Who loved that lord, and who laughed aloud At the moan of the merryman, moping mum. Whose soul was sad, whose glance was glum, Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb. As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! Heighdy ! heighdy ! Misery me — lackadaydee ! He sipped no sup, and he craved no crumb. As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! She. I have a song to sing, O ! He. Sing me your song, O ! She. It is sung with a sigh And a tear in the eye. For it tells of a righted wrong, O ! It's a song of a merrymaid, once so gay. Who turned on her heel and tripped away 183 The Merryman and his Maid From the peacock popinjay, bravely born, Who turned up his noble nose with scorn At the humble heart that he did not prize ; And it tells how she begged, with downcast eyes, For the love of a merryman, moping mum, Whose soul was sad, whose glance was glum. Who sipped no sup, and who craved no crumb, As he sighed for the love of a ladye ! Both. Heighdy ! heighdy ! Misery me — lackadaydee ! His pains were o'er, and he sighed no more. For he lived in the love of a ladye ! 184 ELLEN M'JONES ABERDEEN MACPHAIRSON CLONGLOCKETTY ANGUS M'CLAN Was the son of an elderly labouring man, You've guessed him a Scotchman, shrewd reader, at sight, And p'raps altogether, shrewd reader, you're right. From the bonnie blue Forth to the hills of Deeside, Round by Dingwall and Wrath to the mouth of the Clyde. There wasn't a child or a woman or man Who could pipe with Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan. i8s Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen No other could wake such detestable groans, With reed and with chaunter — with bag and with drones : All day and all night he delighted the chiels With sniggering pibrochs and jiggety reels. He'd clamber a mountain and squat on the ground, And the neighbouring maidens would gather around To list to his pipes and to gaze in his e'en. Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. All loved their M'Clan, save a Sassenach brute. Who came to the Highlands to fish and to shoot ; He dressed himself up in a Highlander way, Though his name it was Pattison Corby Torbay. ToRBAY had incurred a good deal of expense To make him a Scotchman in every sense ; But this is a matter, you'll readily own. That isn't a question of tailors alone. A Sassenach chief may be bonily built, He may purchase a sporran, a bonnet, and kilt ; Stick a skean in his hose — wear an acre of stripes- But he cannot assume an affection for pipes. Clonglocketty's pipings all night and all day Quite frenzied poor Pattison Corby Torbay ; The girls were amused at his singular spleen. Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen " Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus, my lad, With pibrochs and reels you are driving me mad ; If you really must play on that cursed affair, My goodness ! play something resembhng an air." Boiled over the blood of Macphairson M'Clan — The clan of Clonglocketty rose as one man ; For all were enraged at the insult, I ween — Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. "Let's show," said M'Clan, "to this Sassenach loon That the bagpipes can play him a regular tune. Let's see," said M'Clan, as he thoughtfully sat, " '■ Jn My Cottage' is easy — I'll practise at that." 187 Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen He blew at his " Cottage," and blew with a will, For a year, seven months, and a fortnight, until (You'll hardly believe it) M'Clan, I declare, Elicited something resembling an air. Tbolr c « It was wild — it was fitful — as wild as the breeze — It wandered about into several keys ; It was jerky, spasmodic, and har^h, I'm aware, But still it distinctly suggested an air. The Sassenach screamed, and the Sassenach danced, He shrieked in his agony — bellowed and pranced ; And the maidens who gathered rejoiced at the scene, Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. iS8 Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen " Hech gather, hech gather, hech gather around ; And fill a' yer lugs wi' the exquisite sound. An air frae the bagpipes — beat that if ye can ! Hurrah for Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan ! " The fame of his piping spread over the land ; Respectable widows proposed for his hand. And maidens came flocking to sit on the green- Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. One morning the fidgety Sassenach swore He'd stand it no longer — he drew his claymore, And (this was, I think, in extremely bad taste), Divided Clonglocketty close to the waist. Oh ! loud were the wailings for Angus M'Clan- Oh ! deep was the grief for that excellent man — The maids stood aghast at the horrible scene. Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. It sorrowed poor Pattison Corby Torbay To find them " take on " in this serious way, He pitied the poor little fluttering birds. And solaced their souls with the following words ; " Oh, maidens," said Pattison, touching his hat, " Don't snivel, my dears, for a fellow like that ; Observe, I'm a very superior man, A much better fellow than Angus M'Clan." 189 Ellen M 'Jones Aberdeen They smiled when he winked and addressed them as " dears,'' And they all of them vowed, as they dried up their tears, A pleasanter gentleman never was seen — Especially Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen. 190 THE SUSCEPTIBLE CHANCELLOR The law is the true embodiment Of everything that's excellent. It has no kind of fault or flaw, And I, my lords, embody the Law. The constitutional guardian I Of pretty young Wards in Chancery, All very agreeable girls — and none Is over the age of twenty-one. A pleasant occupation for A rather susceptible Chancellor ! But though the compliment implied Inflates me with legitimate pride, It nevertheless can't be denied That it has its inconvenient side. For I'm not so old, and not so plain. And I'm quite prepared to marry again, The Susceptible Chancellor But there'd be the deuce to pay in the Lords If I fell in love with one of my Wards : Which rather tries my temper, for I'm such a susceptible Chancellor ! And every one who'd marry a Ward Must come to me for my accord : So in my court I sit all day, Giving agreeable girls away, AVith one for him — and one for he— And one for you — and one for ye — And one for thou — and one for thee- But never, oh never a one for me ! Which is exasperating, for A highly susceptible Chancellor ! 192 PETER THE WAG Policeman P£ter Forth I drag From his obscure retreat : He was a merry, genial wag, Who loved a mad conceit. If he were asked the time of day By country bumpkins green, He not unfrequently would say, "A quarter past thirteen." If ever you by word of mouth Enquired of Mister P'orth The way to somewhere in the South, He always sent you North. With little boys his beat along He loved to stop and play ; He loved to send old ladies wrong, And teach their feet to stray. 193 o Peter the Wag He would in frolic moments, when Such mischief bent upon, Take Bishops up as betting men- Bid Ministers move on. Then all the worthy boys he knew He regularly licked, And always collared people who Had had their pockets picked. He was not naturally bad, Or viciously inclined. But from his early youth he had A waggish turn of mind. The Men of London grimly scowled With indignation wild ; The Men of London gruffly growled But Peter calmly smiled. Against this minion of the Crown The swelling murmurs grew — From Camberwell to Kentish Town— From Rotherhithe to Kew. Still humoured he his wagsome turn, And fed in various ways The coward rage that dared to burn But did not dare to blaze. Still, Retribution has her day Although her flight is slow : One day that Crusher lost his way Near Poland Street, Soho. The haughty youth, too proud to ask, To find his way resolved. And in the tangle of his task Got more and more involved. i94 Peter the Wag The Men of London, overjoyed, Came there to jeer their foe — And flocking crowds completely cloyed The mazes of Soho. The news, on telegraphic wires. Sped swiftly o'er the lea — Excursion trains from distant shires Brought myriads to see. For weeks he trod his self-made beats Through Newport, Gerrard, Bear, Greek, Rupert, Frith, Dean, Poland Streets. And into Golden Square : But all, alas, in vain, for when He tried to learn the way Of little boys or grown-up men They none of them would say. Their eyes would flash — their teeth would grind- Their lips would tightly curl — They'd say, " Thy way thyself must find, Thou misdirecting churl ! " I9S Peter the Wag And, similarly, also, when He tried a foreign friend ; Italians answered, " II balen '' — ■ The P'rench, " No comprehend." The Russ would say with gleaming eye " Sevastopol ! " and groan. The Greek, said, " TvjrTui, Tira-royuat, TvTTTO), TVTTTeLV, TVTTTtOV." To wander thus for many a year That Crusher never ceased — The Men of London dropped a tear Their anger was appeased. At length exploring gangs were sent To find poor Forth's remains — A handsome grant by Parliament Was voted for their pains. 196 Peter the Wag To seek the poor policeman out Bold spirits volunteered, And when at length they solved the doubt The Men of London cheered. And in a yard, dark, dank, and drear, They found him, on the floor — (It leads from Richmond Buildings — near The Royalty stage-door.) With brandy cold and brandy hot They plied him, starved and wet, And made him sergeant on the spot — The Men of London's pet ! 197 WHEN A MERRY MAIDEN MARRIES When a merry maiden marries, Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ; Every sound becomes a song, All is right and nothing's wrong ! From to-day and ever after Let your tears be tears of laughter — Every sigh that finds a vent Be a sigh of sweet content ! When you marry merry maiden, Then the air with love is laden ; Every flower is a rose. Every goose becomes a swan. Every kind of trouble goes Where the last year's snows have gone ; Sunlight takes the place of shade When you marry merry maid 1 198 When a Merry Maiden Marries When a merry maiden marries Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries ; Every sound becomes a song, All is right, and nothing's wrong. Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow, Get ye gone until to-morrow ; Jealousies in grim array. Ye are things of yesterday ! When you marry merry maiden. Then the air with joy is laden ; All the corners of the earth Ring with music sweetly played, Worry is melodious mirth. Grief is joy in masquerade ; Sullen night is laughing day — All the year is merry May ! lOQ TJ^$ak THE THREE KINGS OF CHICKERABOO There were three niggers of Chickeraboo — Pacifico, Bang-bang, Popchop — who Exclaimed, one terribly sultry day, "Oh, let's be kings in a humble way." The first was a highly-accomplished " bones," The next elicited banjo tones. The third was a quiet, retiring chap. Who danced an excellent break-down "flap." "We niggers," said they, "have formed a plan By which, whenever we like, we can Extemporise kingdoms near the beach. And then we'll collar a kingdom each. 200 The Three Kings of Chickeraboo "Three casks, from somebody else's stores, Shall represent our island shores, Their sides the ocean wide shall lave. Their heads just topping the briny wave. " Great Britain's navy scours the sea, And everywhere her ships they be ; She'll recognise our rank, perhaps, When she discovers we're Royal Chaps. " If to her skirts you want to cling. It's quite sufficient that you're a king ; She does not push inquiry far To learn what sort of king you are." A ship of several thousand tons. And mounting seventy-something guns. Ploughed, every year, the ocean blue. Discovering kings and countries new. The brave Reak'-Admiral Bailey Pip, Commanding that magnificent ship. Perceived one day, his glasses through. The kings that came from Chickeraboo. " Dear eyes ! " said Admiral Pip, " I see Three flourishing islands on our lee. And, bless me ! most remarkable thing ! On every island stands a king ! " Come, lower the Admiral's gig,'' he cried, " And over the dancing waves I'll glide ; That low obeisance I may do I'o those three kings of Chickeraboo ! " The Three Kings of Chickeraboo The Admiral pulled to the islands three ; The kings saluted him gracious/(f«. The Admiral, pleased at his welcome warm, Unrolled a printed Alliance form. "Your Majesty, sign me this, I pray — I come in a friendly kind of way — I come, if you please, with the best intents, And Queen Victoria's compliments." The kings were pleased as they well could be j The most retiring of the three, In a " cellar-flap " to his joy gave vent With a banjo-bones accompaniment. The great Rear-Admiral Bailey Pip Embarked on board his jolly big ship, Blue Peter flew from his lofty fore, And off he sailed to his native shore. The Three Kings of Chickeraboo Admiral Pip directly went To the Lord at the head of the Government, Who made him, by a stroke of a quill, Baron de Pippe, of Pippetonneville. The College of Heralds permission yield That he should quarter upon his shield Three islands, vert, on a field of blue. With the pregnant motto "Chickeraboo." Ambassadors, yes, and attaches, too, Are going to sail for Chickeraboo. And, see, on the good ship's crowd*! deck, A bishop, who's going out there on spec. And let us all hope that blissful things May come of alliance with darky kings, And, may we never, whatever we do, Declare a war with Chickeraboo ! 203 THE BRITISH TAR A British tar is a soaring soul, As free as a mountain bird, His energetic fist should be ready to resist A dictatorial word. His nose should pant and his lip should curl, His cheeks should flame and his brow should furl, His bosom should heave and his heart should glow, And his fist be ever ready for a knock-down blow. • His eyes should flash with an inborn fire, His brow with scorn be rung ; He never should bow down to a domineering frown Or the tang of a tyrant tongue. His foot should stamp and his throat should growl, His hair should twirl and his face should scowl ; His eyes should flash and his breast protrude, And this should be his customary attitude ! ^ 204 GENTLE ALICE BROWN It was a robber's daughter, and her name was Alice Brown, Her father was the terror of a small Italian town ; Her mother was a foolish, weak, but amiable old thing ; But it isn't of her parents that I'm going for to sing. As Alice was a-sitting at her window-sill one day A beautiful young gentleman he chanced to pass that way ; She cast her eyes upon him, and he looked so good and true. That she thought, " I could be happy with a gentleman like you ! " And every morning passed her house that cream of gentlemen. She knew she might expect him at a quarter unto ten, A sorter in the Custom-house, it was his daily road (TheCustom-housewasfifteen minutes' walk from herabode). 205 Gentle Alice Brown But Alice was a pious girl, who knew it wasn't wise To look at strange young sorters with expressive purple eyes; So she sought the village priest to whom her family con- fessed — The priest by whom their little sins were carefully assessed. "Oh, holy father," Alice said, "'twould grieve you, would it not ? To discover that I was a most disreputable lot ! Of all unhappy sinners I'm the most unhappy one ! " The padre said, " Whatever have you been and gone and done ? " " I have helped mamma to steal a little kiddy from its dad I've assisted dear papa in cutting up a little lad. I've planned a little burglary and forged a little cheque, And slain a little baby for the coral on its neck ! " The worthy pastor heaved a sigh, and dropped a silent tear — And said, "You mustn't judge yourself too heavily, my dear — It's wrong to murder babies, little corals for to fleece ; But sins like these one expiates at half-a-crown apiece. " Girls will be girls — you're very young, and flighty in your mind ; Old heads upon young shoulders we must not expect to find: We mustn't be too hard upon these little girlish tricks — Let's see — five crimes at half-a-crown — exactly twelve-and- six." "Oh, father," little Alice cried, "your kindness makes me weep, You do these little things for me so singularly cheap — Your thoughtful liberality I never can forget ; But oh, there is another cr-me I haven't mentioned yet ! 206 Gentle Alice Brown "A pleasant-looking gentleman, with pretty purple eyes,- I've noticed at my window, as I've sat a-catching flies ; He passes by it every day as certain as can be — I blush to say I've winked at him, and he has winked at me ' " For shame," said Father Paul, " my erring daughter ! On my word This is the most distressing news that I have ever heard. Why, naughty girl, your excellent papa has pledged your hand To a promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band ! " This dreadful piece of news will pain your worthy parents so ! They are the most remunerative customers I know ; For many many years they've kept starvation from my doors, I never knew so criminal a family as yours ! " The common country folk in this insipid neighbourhood Have nothing to confess, they're so ridiculously good ; And if you marry any one respectable at all, Why, you'll reform, and what will then become of Father Paul ? " The worthy priest, he up and drew his cowl upon his crown. And started off in haste to tell the news to Robber Brown ; To tell him how his daughter, who was now for marriage fit, Had winked upon a sorter, who reciprocated it. 207 Gentle Alice Brown Good Robber Brown he muffled up his anger pretty well, He said, " I have a notion, and that notion I will tell ; I will nab this gay young sorter, terrify him into fits, And get my gentle wife to chop him into little bits. " I've studied human nature, and I know a thing or two ; Though a girl may fondly love a living gent, as many do, A feeling of disgust upon her senses there will fall When she looks upon his body chopped particularly small." He traced that gallant sorter to a still suburban square ; He watched his opportunity and seized him unaware ; He took a life-preserver and he hit him on the head, And Mrs. Brown dissected him before she went to bed. And pretty little Alice grew more settled in her mind, She never more was guilty of a weakness of the kind, Until at length good Robber Brown bestowed her pretty hand On the promising young robber, the lieutenant of his band. 208 A MAN WHO WOULD WOO A FAIR MAID A MAN who would woo a fair maid, Should 'prentice himself to the trade ; And study all day, In methodical way, How to flatter, cajole, and persuade. He should 'prentice himself at fourteen. And practise from morning to e'en ; And when he's of age. If he will, I'll engage, He may capture the heart of a queen ! It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will : But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill ! 209 p A Man who would Woo a Fair Maid If he's made the best use of his time, His twig he'll so carefully Ume That every bird Will come down at his word, Whatever its plumage and clime. He must learn that the thrill of a touch May mean little, or nothing, or much ; It's an instrument rare, To be handled with care, And ought to be treated as such. It is purely a matter of skill. Which all may attain if they will : But every Jack, He must study the knack If he wants to make sure of his Jill ! Then a glance may be timid or free ; It will vary in mighty degree. From an impudent stare To a look of despair That no maid without pity can see. And a glance of despair is no guide — It may have its ridiculous side ; It may draw you a tear Or a box on the ear ; You can never be sure till you've tried. It is purely a matter of skill, Which all may attain if they will : But every Jack He must study the knack If he wants ti) make sure of his Jill ! 210 THE SORCERER'S SONG Oh ; my name is John Wellington Wells-— I'm a dealer in magic and spells, In blessings and curses, And ever-filled purses. In prophecies, witches, and knells! If you want a proud foe to " make tracks '' — If you'd melt a rich uncle in wax — You've but to look in On our resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe. We've a first-class assortment of magic ; And for raising a posthumous shade With effects that are comic or tragic. There's no cheaper house in the trade. The Sorcerer's Song Love-philtre — we've quantities of it ; And for knowledge if any one burns, We keep an extremely small prophet, a prophet Who brings us unbounded returns : For he can prophesy With a wink of his eye, Peep with security Into futurity, Sum up your history, Clear up a mystery. Humour proclivity For a nativity. With mirrors so magical, Tetrapods tragical. Bogies spectacular. Answers oracular, Facts astronomical. Solemn or comical. And, if you want it, he Makes a reductiori on taking a quantity'! Oh! If any one anything lacks. He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe I He can raise you hosts. Of ghosts. And that without reflectors ; And creepy things With wings. And gaunt and grisly spectres ! He can fill you crowds Of shrouds, And horrify you vastly ; He can rack your brains With chains, The Sorcerer's Song And gibberings grim and ghastly. Then, if you plan it, he Changes organity With an urbanity. Full of Satanity, Vexes humanity With an inanity Fatal to vanity — Driving your foes to the verge of insanity. Barring tautology, In demonology, 'Lectro biology. Mystic nosology, Spirit philology, High class astrology. Such is his knowledge, he Isn't the man to require an apology I Oh! My name is John Wellington Wells, I'm a dealer in magic and spells. In blessings and curses, And ever-filled purses — In prophecies, witches, and knells. If any one anything lacks, He'll find it all ready in stacks, If he'll only look in On the resident Djinn, Number seventy, Simmery Axe! 213 THE BUMBOAT WOMAN'S STORY I'm old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and work, and grief. My eyes are gone, and my teeth have been drawn by Time, the Thief ! For terrible sights I've seen, and dangers great I've run — I'm nearly seventy now, and my work is almost done ! Ah ! I've been young in my time, and I've played the deuce with men ! I'm speaking of ten years past — I was barely sixty then : My cheeks were mellow and soft, and my eyes were large and sweet, Poll Pineapple's eyes were the standing toast of the Royal Fleet i 2 14 The Bumboat Woman's Story A bumboat woman was I, and I faithfully served the ships With apples and cakes, and fowls and beer, and halfpenny dips, And beef for the generous m§ss, where the officers dine at nights. And fine fresh peppermint drops for the rollicking mid- shipmites. Of all the kind commanders who anchored in Portsmouth Bay, By far the sweetest of all was kind Lieutenant Belaye. Lieutenant Belaye commanded the gunboat Hot Cross Bun, She was seven and seventy feet in length, and she carried a gun. With the laudable view of enhancing his country's naval pride. When people inquired her size, Lieutenant Belaye replied, "Oh, my ship, my ship is the first of the Hundred and Twenty-ones ! " Which meant her tonnage, but people imagined it meant her guns. Whenever I went on board he would beckon me down below, "Come down. Little Buttercup, come" (for he loved to call me so). And he'd tell of the fights at sea in which he'd taken a part. And so Lieutenant Belaye won poor Poll Pineapple's heart ! But at length his orders came, and he said one day, said he, °'I'm ordered to sail with the Hot Cross Bun to the German Sea." A.nd the Portsmouth maidens wept when they learnt the evil day, For every Portsmouth maid loved good Lieutenant Belaye. 215 The Bumboat Woman's Story And I went to a back back street, with plenty of cheap cheap shops, And I bought an oilskin hat, and a second-hand suit of slops. And I went to Lieutenan'J Belaye (and he never sus- pected me /) And I entered myielf as a chap as wanted to go to sea. We sailed that afternoon at the mystic hour of one, — Remarkably nice young men were the crew of the Hot Cross Bun. I'm sorry to say that I've heard that sailors sometimes swear, But I never yet heard a Bun say anything wrong, I declare. When Jack Tars meet, they meet with a " Messmate, ho ! What cheer ? " But here, on the Hot Cross Bun, it was " How do you do, my dear ? " When Jack Tars growl, I believe they growl with a big bigD— But the strongest oath of the Hot Cross Buns was a mild " Dear me ! " 216 The Bumboat Woman's Story Yet, though they were all well bred, you could scarcely call them slick : Whenever a sea was on, they were all extremely sick ; And whenever the weather was calm, and the wind was light and fair. They spent more time than a sailor should on his back back hair. They certainly shivered and shook when ordered aloft to run, And they screamed when Lieutenant Belaye discharged his only gun. And as he was proud of his gun — such pride is hardly wrong — ■ The Lieutenant was blazing away at intervals all day long. They all agreed very well, though at times you heard it said That Bill had a way of his own of making his lips look red — That Joe looked quite his age — or somebody might declare That Barnacle's long pig-tail was never his own own hair. Belaye would admit that his men were of no great use to him, "But then," he would say, "there is little to do on a gun- boat trim. I can hand, and reef, and steer, and fire my big gun too — And it is such a treat to sail with a gentle well-bred crew.'' I saw him every day ! How the happy moments sped ! Reef topsails! Make all taut! There's dirty weather ahead ! (I do not mean that tempests threatened the Hoi Cross Bun: In that case, I don't know whatever we should have done !) After a fortnight's cruise we put into port one day, And off on leave for a week went kind Lieutenant Belaye, And after a long long week had passed (and it seemed like a life). Lieutenant Belaye returned to his ship with a fair young wife ! 217 The Butnboat Woman's Story He up, and he says, says he, " Oh, crew of the Hot Cross Bun, Here is the wife of my heart, for the Church has made us one ! " And as he uttered the word, the crew went out of their wits. And all fell down in so many separate fainting fits. And then their hair came down, or off, as the case might be, And lo ! the rest of the crew were simple girls, like me, Who all had fled from their homes in a sailor's blue array, To follow the shifting fate of kind Lieutenant Belaye ! It's strange to think that / should ever have loved young men, But I'm speaking of ten years past — I was barely sixty then ; And now my cheeks are furrowed with grief and age, I trow ! And poor Poll Pineapple's eyes have lost their lustre now J 4 '•U^ 2X8 ..^^Iff THE FICKLE BREEZE Sighing softly to the river Comes the loving breeze, Setting nature all a-quiver, Rustling through the trees ! And the brook in ripphng measure Laughs for very love, While the poplars, in their pleasure. Wave their arms above ! River, river, little river. May thy loving prosper ever. Heaven speed thee, poplar tree, May thy wooing happy be ! Yet, the breeze is but a rover. When he wings away. Brook and poplar mourn a lover ! Sighing well-a-day ! 219 The Fickle Breeze Ah, the doing and undoing That the rogue could tell ! When the breeze is out a-wooing, Who can woo so well ? Pretty brook, thy dream is over, For thy love is but a rover ! Sad the lot of poplar trees, Courted by the fickle breeze ! THE TWO OGRES Good children, list, if you're inclined, And wicked children too — This pretty ballad is designed Especially for you. Two ogres dwelt in Wickham Wold- Each traits distinctive had : The younger was as good as gold, The elder was as bad. The Two Ogres A wicked, disobedient son Was James M 'Alpine, and A contrast to the elder one. Good Applebody Bland. M'Alpine — brutes like him are few- In greediness delights, A melancholy victim to Unchastened appetites. Good, well-bred children every day He ravenously ate, — All boys were fish who found their way Into M 'Alpine's net: Boys whose good breeding is innate, Whose sums are always right ; And boys who don't expostulate When sent to bed at night , And kindly boys who never search The nests of birds of song ; And serious boys for whom, in church, No sermon is too long. Contrast with James's greedy haste And comprehensive hand. The nice discriminating taste Of Applebody Bland. Bland only eats bad boys, who swear — Who can behave, but don'i — Disgraceful lads who say " don't cars,'' And " shan't," and " can't," and " won't.' The Two Ogres Who wet their shoes and leam to box, And say what isn't true, Who bite their nails and jam their frocks, And make long noses too ; Who kick a nurse's aged shin. And sit in sulky mopes ; And b'oys who twirl poor kittens in Distracting zoetropes. But James, when he was quite a youth. Had often been to school. And though so bad, to tell the truth, He wasn't quite a fool. 223 The Two Ogres At logic few with him could vie , To his peculiar sect He could propose a fallacy With singular effect. So, when his Mentors said, " Expound- AVhy eat good children — why ? " Upon his Mentors he would round With this absurd reply : "I have been taught to love the good— The pure — the unalloyed — And wicked boys, I've understood, I always should avoid. " Why do I eat good children — ^why ? Because I love them so ! " (But this was empty sophistry. As your Papa can show.) Now, though the learning of his friends Was truly not immense. They had a way of fitting ends By rule of common sense. " Away, away ! " his Mentors cried, " Thou uncongenial pest ! A quirk's a thing we can't abide, A quibble we detest ! " A fallacy in your reply Our intellect descries. Although we don't pretend to spy Exactly where it lies. 224 The Two Ogres " In misery and penal woes Must end a glutton's joys ; And learn how ogres punish those Who dare to eat good boys. " Secured by fetter, cramp, and chain, And gagged securely — so — You shall be placed in Drury Lane, Where only good lads go. " Surrounded there by virtuous boys, You'll suffer torture wus Than that which constantly annoys Disgraceful Tantalus. (" If you would learn the woes that vex Poor Tantalus, down there. Pray borrow of Papa an ex- Purgated Lempriere.) 225 Q The Two Ogres " But as for Bland who, as it seems, Eats only naughty boys, We've planned a recompense that teems With gastronomic joys. " Where wicked youths in crowds are stowed He shall unquestioned rule. And have the run of Hackney Road Reformatory School ' " 226 THE FIRST LORD'S SONG When I was a lad I served a term As office boy to an Attorney's firm ; I cleaned the windows and I swept the floor, And I polished up the handle of the big front door. I polished up that handle so successfullee, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee ! As office boy I made such a mark That they gave me the post of a junior clerk ; I served the writs with a smile so bland, And I copied all the letters in a big round hand. I copied all the letters in a hand so free, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee ! 227 The First Lord's Song In serving writs I made such a name That an articled clerk I soon became ; I wore clean collars and a brand-new suit For the Pass Examination at the Institute : And that Pass Examination did so well for me, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee ! Of legal knowledge I acquired such a grip That they took me into the partnership, And that junior partnership I ween. Was the only ship that I ever had seen : But that kind of ship so suited me, That now I am the Ruler of the Queen's Navee ! I grew so rich that I was sent By a pocket borough into Parliament ; I always voted at my Party's call, And I never thought of thinking for myself at all. I thought so little, they rewarded me, By making me the Ruler of the Queen's Navee ! Now, landsmen all, whoever you may be. If you want to rise to the top of the tree — If your soul isn't fettered to an office stool, Be careful to be guided by this golden rule — Stick close to your desks and never go to sea. And you all may be Rulers of the Queen's Navee ! 228 LITTLE OLIVER Earl Joyce he was a kind old party Whom nothing ever could put out, Though eighty-two, he still was hearty, Excepting as regarded gout. He had one unexampled daughter, The Lady Minnie-haha Joyce, Fair Minnie-haha, " Laughing Water," So called from her melodious voice. By Nature planned for lover-capture, Her beauty every heart assailed ; The good old nobleman with rapture Observed how widely she prevailed. 229 Little Oliver Aloof from all the lordly flockings Of titled swells who worshipped her, There stood, in pumps and cotton stockings, One humble lover — Oliver. He was no peer by Fortune petted, His name recalled no bygone age ; He was no lordling coronetted — Alas ! he was a simple page ! With vain appeals he never bored her^ But stood in silent sorrow by — He knew how fondly he adored her, And knew, alas ! how hopelessly ! Well grounded by a village tutor In languages alive and past, He'd say unto himself, " Knee-suitor, Oh, do not go beyond your last ! " 230 Little Oliver But though his name could boast no handle, He could not every hope resign ; As moths will hover round a candle, So hovered he about her shrine. The brilliant candle dazed the moth well : One day she sang to her Papa The air that Marie sings with Bothwell In Neidermeyer's opera. (Therein a stable boy, it's stated. Devoutly loved a noble dame. Who ardently reciprocated His rather injudicious flame.) And then, before the piano closing (He listened coyly at the door). She sang a song of her composing-^ I give one verse from half a score : Ballad Why, pretty page, art ever sighing 2 Is sorrow in thy heartlet lying 1 Come, set a-ringing Thy laugh entrancing, And ever singing And ever dancing. Ever singing, Tra 1 la ! la ! Ever dancing, Tra I la I la I Ever singing, ever dancing. Ever singing, Tra I la I la I He skipped for joy like little muttons, He danced like Esmeralda's kid. (phe did not mean a boy in buttons, Although he fancied that she did.) 231 Little Oliver Poor lad ! convinced he thus would win her. He wore out many pairs of soles ; He danced when taking down the dinner-— He danced when bringing up the coals. He danced and sang (however laden) With his incessant " Tra ! la ! la ! " Which much surprised the noble maiden, And puzzled even her Papa. He nourished now his flame and fanned it, He even danced at work below. The upper servants wouldn't stand it, And Bowles the butler told him so. At length on impulse acting blindly, His love he laid completely barej The gentle Earl received him kindly And told the lad to take a chair. "Oh, sir," the suitor uttered sadly, " Don't give your indignation vent j I fear you think I'm acting madly, Perhaps you think me insolent ? " 232 Little Oliver The kindly Earl repelled the notion ; His noble bosom heaved a sigh, His fingers trembled with emotion, A tear stood in, his mild blue eye : For, oh ! the scene recalled too plainly The half-forgotten time when he, A boy. of nine, had worshipped vainly A governess of forty-three ! "My boy," he said, in tone consoling, " Give up this idle fancy — do — ■ The song you heard my daughter trolling Did not, indeed, refer to you. " I feel for you, poor boy, acutely ; I would not wish to give you pain ; Your pangs I estimate minutely, — I, too, have loved, and loved in vain. '^^^s^ BaV- " But still your humble rank and station For Minnie surely are not meet " — ■ He said much more in conversation Which it were needless to repeat. 233 Little Oliver Now I'm prepared to bet a guinea, Were this a mere dramatic case, The page would have eloped with Minnie, But, no — he only left his place. The simple Truth is my detective. With me Sensation can't abide ; The Likely beats the mere Effective, And Nature is my only guide. << 234 MISTER WILLIAM Oh, listen to the tale of Mister William, if you please, Whom naughty, naughty judges sent away beyond the seas. He forged a party's will, which caused anxiety and strife. Resulting in his getting penal servitude for life. He was a kindly goodly man, and naturally prone. Instead of taking others' gold, to give away his own. But he had heard of Vice, and longed for only once to strike — To plan one little wickedness — to see what it was like. He argued with himself, and said, " A spotless man am I ; I can't be more respectable, however hard I try ; For six and thirty years I've always been as good as gold, And now for half-an-hour I'll deal in infamy untold ! 235 Mister William " A baby who is wicked at the early age of one, And then reforms — and dies at thirty-six a spotless son, Is never, never saddled with his babyhood's defect, But earns from worthy men consideration and respect. "So one who never revelled in discreditable tricks Until he reached the comfortable age of thirty-six, Is free for half-an-hour to perpetrate a deed of shame, Without incurring permanent disgrace, or even blame. " That babies don't commit such crimes as forgery is true, But little sins develop, if you leave 'em to accrue ; And he who shuns all vices as successive seasons roll. Should reap at length the benefit of so much self-control. "The common sin of babyhood — objecting to be drest — If you leave it to accumulate at compound interest. For anything you know, may represent, if you're alive, A burglary or murder at the age of thirty-five. " Still, I wouldn't take advantage of this fact, but be content With some pardonable folly — it's a mere experiment. The greater the temptation to go wrong, the less the sin ; So with something that's particularly tempting I'll begin. " I would not steal a penny, for my income's very fair — I do not want a penny — I have pennies and to spare — And if I stole a penny from a money-bag or till. The sin would be enormous — the temptation being nil. " But if I broke asunder all such pettifogging bounds, And forged a party's Will for (say) Five Hundred Thousand Pounds, With such an irresistible temptation to a haul. Of course the sin must be infinitesimally small. 236 Mister William " There's Wilson who is dying — he has wealth from Stock and rent — If I divert his riches from their natural descent, I'm placed in a position to indulge each little whim." So he diverted them — and they, in turn, diverted him. Unfortunately, though, by some unpardonable flaw. Temptation isn't recognised by Britain's Common Law ; Men found him out by some peculiarity of touch. And William got a " lifer," which annoyed him very much. For ah ! he never reconciled himself to life in gaol. He fretted and he pined, and grew dispirited and pale ; He was numbered like a cabman, too, which told upon him so, That his spirits, once so buoyant, grew uncomfortably low. And sympathetic gaolers would remark, " It's very true. He ain't been brought up common, like the likes of me and you." So they took him into hospital, and gave him mutton chops. And chocolate, and arrowroot, and buns, and malt and hops. 237 Mister William Kind clergymen, besides, grew interested in his fate, Affected by the details of his pitiable state. They waited on the Secretary, somewhere in Whitehall, Who said he would receive them any day they liked to calL " Consider, sir, the hardship of this interesting case : A prison life brings with it something very like disgrace ; It's telling on young William, who's reduced to skin and bone — Remember he's a gentleman, with money of his own. " He had an ample income, and of course he stands in need Of sherry with his dinner, and his customary w^eed ; No delicacies now can pass his gentlemanly lips — He misses his sea-bathing and his continental trips. " He says the other prisoners are commonplace and rude ; He says he cannot relish the disgusting prison food. For when a boy they taught him to distinguish Good from Bad, And other educational advantages he's had. 238 Mister William " A burglar or garrotter, or, indeed, a common thief Is very glad to batten on potatoes and on beef, Or anything, in short, that prison kitchens can afford,— A cut above the diet in a common workhouse ward. '•But beef and mutton-broth don't seem to suit our William's whim, A boon to other prisoners — a punishment to him : It never was intended that the discipline of gaol Should dash a convict's spirits, sir, or make him thin or pale." " Good Gracious Me ! " that sympathetic Secretary cried, " Suppose in prison fetters Mister William should have died! Dear me, of course ! Imprisonment for Life his sentence saith : I'm very glad you mentioned it — it might have been For Death ! " Release him with a ticket — he'll be better then, no doubt, And tell him I apologise." So Mister William's out. I hope he will be careful in his manuscripts, I'm sure. And not begin experimentalising any more. %^ 239 *«»t WOULD YOU KNOW? Would you know the kind of maid Sets my heart a flame-a ? Eyes must be downcast and staid, Cheeks must flush for shame-a ! She may neither dance nor sing, But, demure in everything, Hang her head in modest way With pouting lips that seem to say, " Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. Though I die of shame-a ! " Please you, that's the kind of maid Sets my heart a flame-a ! 240 Would You Know ? When a maid is bold and gay With a tongue goes clang-a, Flaunting it in brave array, Maiden may go hang-a ! Sunflower gay and hollyhock Never shall my garden stock ; Mine the blushing rose of May, With pouting lips that seem to say. " Oh, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me. Though I die for shame-a ! " Please you, that's the kind of maid Sets my heart a flame-a ' 241 PASHA BAILEY BEN A PROUD Pasha was Bailey Ben, His wives were three, his tails were ten ; His form was dignified, but stout, Men called him " I^ittle Roundabout."' His Importance Pale Pilgrims came from o'er the sea To wait on Pasha Bailey B., All bearing presents in a crowd, For B. was poor as well as proud. His Presents They brought him onions strung on ropes, And cold boiled beef, and telescopes, And balls of string, and shrimps, and guns, And chops, and tacks, and hats, and buns. 242 Pasha Bailey Ben More of them They brought him white kid gloves, and pails, And candlesticks, and potted quails. And capstan-bars, and scales and weights, And ornaments for empty grates. Why 1 mention these My tale is not of these — oh no ! I only mention them to show The divers gifts that divers men Brought o'er the sea to Bailey Ben. His Confidant A confidant had Bailey B., A gay Mongolian dog was he ; I am not good at Turkish names. And so I call him Simple James. His Confidants Countenance A dreadful legend you might trace In Simple James's honest face, For there you read, in Nature's print, "A Scoundrel of the Deepest Tint." His Character A deed of blood, or fire, or flames, Was meat and drink to Simple James : To hide his guilt he did not plan, But owned himself a bad young man. 243 Pasha Bailey Ben The Author to his Reader And why on earth good Bailey Ben (The wisest, noblest, best of men) Made Simple James his right-hand man Is quite beyond my mental span. The same, continued But there — enough of gruesome deeds ! My heart, in thinking of them, bleeds ; And so let Simple James take wing, — 'Tis not of him I'm going to sing. 244 Pasha Bailey Ben The Pasha! s Clerk Good Pasha Bailey kept a clerk (For Bailey only made his mark), His name was Matthew Wycombe Coo, A man of nearly forty-two. His Accomplishments No person that I ever knew Could " yodel " half as well as Coo, And Highlanders exclaimed, " Eh, weel ! " When Coo began to dance a reel. His Kindness to the Pasha's Wives' He used to dance and sing and play In such an unaffected way, He cheered the unexciting lives Of Pasha Bailey's lovely wives. 245 Pasha Bailey Ben The Author to his Reader But why should I encumber you With histories of Matthew Coo r Let Matthew Coo at once take wing,- 'Tis not of Coo I'm going to sing. The Author's Muse Let me recall my wandering Muse ; She shall be steady if I choose — She roves, instead of helping me To tell the deeds of Bailey B. The Pashds Visitor One morning knocked, at half-past eight, A tall Red Indian at his gate. In Turkey, as you're p'raps aware, Red Indians are extremely rare. The Visitor's Outfit Mocassins decked his graceful legs, His eyes were black, and round as eggs, And on his neck, instead of beads. Hung several Catawampous seeds. ]Vhat the Visitor said " Ho, ho ! " he said, " thou pale-faced one, Poor offspring of an Eastern sun. You've never seen the Red Man skip Upon the banks of Mississip ! " 24.6 Pasha Bailey Ben The Author's Moderation To say that Bailey oped his eyes Would feebly paint his great surprise- To say it almost made him die Would be to paint it much too high. The Author to his Reader But why should I ransack my head To tell you all that Indian said; We'll let the Indian man take wing,- 'Tis not of him I'm going to sing. The Reader to the Auth/)r Come, come, I say, that's quite enough Of this absurd disjointed stuff; Now let's get on to that affair About Lieutenant-Colonel Flare. 247 LIEUTENANT-COLONEL FLARE The earth has armies plenty, And semi-warlike bands, I dare say there are twenty In European lands ; But, oh ! in no direction You'd find one to compare In brotherly affection With that of Colonel Flare. His soldiers might be rated As military Pearls : As unsophisticated As pretty little girls I 248 Lieutenant-Colonel Flare They never smoked or ratted, Or talked of Sues or Polls j The Sergeant-Major tatted, The others nursed their dolls. He spent his days in teaching These truly solemn facts ; There's little use in preaching, Or circulating tracts. (The vainest plan invented For stifling other creeds, Unless it's supplemented With charitable deeds.) He taught his soldiers kindly To give at Hunger's call : " Oh, better far give blindly, Than never give at all ! Though sympathy be kindled By Imposition's game. Oh, better far be swindled Than smother up its flame ! * His means were far from ample For pleasure or for dress, Yet note this bright example Of single-heartedness : Though ranking as a Colonel, His pay was but a groat. While their reward diurnal Was — each a five-pound note. Moreover, — this evinces His kindness, you'll allow, — He fed them all like princes. And lived himself on cow. 249 Lieutenant-Colonel Flare He set them all regaling On curious wines, and dear, While he would sit pale-ale-ing, Or quaffing ginger-beer. Then at his instigation (A pretty fancy this) Their daily pay and ration He'd take in change for his ; They brought it to him weekly, And he without a groan, Would take it from them meekly And give them all his own ! 25° Lieutenant-Colonel Flare Though not exactly knighted As knights, of course, should be, Yet no one so delighted In harmless chivalry. If peasant girl or ladye Beneath misfortunes sank, Whate'er distinctions made he, They were not those of rank. No maiden young and comely Who wanted good advice (However poor or homely) Need ask him for it twice. 251 Lieutenant- Colonel Flare He'd wipe away the blindness That comes of teary dew ; His sympathetic kindness No sort of limit knew. He always hated dealing With men who schemed or planned j A person harsh — unfeeling — The Colonel could not stand. He hated cold, suspecting, Official men in blue. Who pass their lives detecting The crimes that others do. For men who'd shoot a sparrow. Or immolate a worm Beneath a farmer's harrow, He could not find a term. Humanely, ay, and knightly He dealt with such an one ; He took and tied him tightly, And blew him from a gun. 252 Lieutenant-Colonel Flare The earth has armies plenty, And semi-warlike bands, I'm certain there are twenty In European lands ; But, oh ! in no direction You'd find one to compare In brotherly affection With that of Colonel Flare. 253 SPECULATION Comes a train of little ladies From scholastic trammels free. Each a little bit afraid is, Wondering what the world can be ! Is it but a world of trouble — Sadness set to song? Is its beauty but a bubble Bound to break ere long ? Are its palaces and pleasures Fantasies that fade ? And the glory of its treasures Shadow of a shade ? Schoolgirls we, eighteen and under, From scholastic trammels free. And we wonder — how we wonder !— What on earth the world can be 1 254 AH ME! When maiden loves, she sits and sighs, She wanders to and fro ; Unbidden tear-drops fill her eyes, And to all questions she replies. With a sad heigho ! 'Tis but a little word — " heigho ! " So soft, 'tis scarcely heard — "heigho!' An idle breath — Yet life and death May hang upon a maid's " heigho ! " When maiden loves, she mopes apart, As owl mopes on a tree ; Although she keenly feels the smart. She cannot tell what ails her heart, With its sad " Ah me ! " 'Tis but a foolish sigh— "Ah me ! " Born but to droop and die — " Ah me ! '• Yet all the sense Of eloquence Lies hidden in a maid's " Ah me ! " 255 LOST MR. BLAKE Mr. Blake was a regular out-and-out hardened sinner, Who was quite out of the pale of Christianity, so to speak: He was in the habit of smoking a long pipe and drinking a glass of grog on Sunday after dinner. And seldom thought of going to church more than twice (or if Good Friday or Christmas Day happened to come in it) three times a week. He was quite indifferent as to the particular kinds of dresses That the clergyman wore at the church where he used to go to pray, And whatever he did in the way of relieving a chap's distresses, He always did in a nasty, sneaking, underhanded, hole- and-corner sort of way. 256 Lost Mr. Blake I have known him indulge in profane, ungentlemanly emphatics, When the Protestant Church has been divided on the subject of the width of a chasuble's hem ; I have even known him to sneer at albs — and as for dalmalics, Words can't convey an idea of the contempt he expressed for them. He didn't beUeve in persons who, not being well off them- selves, are obliged to confine their charitable exertions to collecting money from wealthier people, And looked upon individuals of the former class as ecclesiastical hawks ; He used to say that he would no more think of interfering with his priest's robes than with his church or his steeple, And that he did not consider his soul imperilled because somebody over whom he had no influence what- ever, chose to dress himself up like an ecclesiastical Guy Fawkes. This shocking old vagabond was so unutterably shameless That he actually went a-courting a very respectable and pious middle-aged sister, by the name of Biggs : She was a rather attractive widow whose life, as such, had always been particularly blameless ; Her first husband had left her a secure but moderate competence owing to some fortunate speculations in the matter of figs. She was an excellent person in every way — and won the respect even of Mrs. Grundy, She was a good housewife, too, and wouldn't have wasted a penny if she had owned the Koh-i-noor ; 257 s Lost Mr. Blake She was just as strict as he was lax in her observance of Sunday, And being a good economist, and charitable besides, she took all the bones and cold potatoes and broken pie-crusts and candle-ends (when she had quite done with them), and made them into an excellent soup for the deserving poor. I am sorry to say that she rather took to Blake — that out- cast of society ; And when respectable brothers who were fond of her began to look dubious and to cough. She would say, " Oh, my friends, it's because I hope to bring this poor benighted soul back to virtue and propriety " (And besides, the poor benighted soul, with all his faults, was uncommonly well off). And when Mr. Blake's dissipated friends called his atten- tion to the frown or the pout of her, Whenever he did anything which appeared to her to savour of an unmentionable place, He would say she would be a very decent old girl when all that nonsense was knocked out of her — And his method of knocking it out of her is one that covered him with disgrace. She was fond of going to church services four times every Sunday, and four or five times in the week, and never seemed to pall of them, So he hunted out all the churches within a convenient distance that had services at different hours, so to speak ; And when he had married her he positively insisted upon their going to all of them. So they contrived to do about twelve churches every Sunday, and, if they had luck, from twenty-two to twenty-three in the course of the week. S58 Lost Mr. Blake She was fond of dropping his sovereigns ostentatiously into the plate, and she liked to see them stand out rather conspicuously against the cornmonplace half-crowns and shillings, So he took her to all the charity sermons, and if by any extraordinary chance there wasn't a charity sermon anywhere, he would drop a couple of sovereigns (one for him and one for her) into the poor-box at the door; •e-^ VANITY. And as he always deducted the sums thus given in charity from the housekeeping money, and the money he allowed her for her bonnets and frillings. She soon began to find that even charity, if you allow it to interfere with your personal luxuries, becomes an intolerable bore. On Sundays she was always melancholy and anything but good society, For that day in her household was a day of sighings and sobbings and wringing of hands and shaking of heads : She wouldn't hear of a button being sewn on a glove, because it was a work neither of necessity nor of piety, 259 Lost Mr. Blake And strictly prohibited her servants from amusing them selves, or indeed doing anything at all except dusting the drawing-rooms, cleaning the boots and shoes, cooking the dinner, vfaiting generally on the family, and making the beds. But Blake even went farther than that, and said that, on Sundays, people should do their own works of necessity, and not delegate them to persons in a menial situation. So he wouldn't allow his servants to do so much as even answer a bell. Here he is making his wife carry up the water for her bath to the second floor, much against her inclination, — And why in the world the gentleman who illustrates these ballads has put him into a cocked hat is more than I can tell. t^ After about three months of this sort of thing, taking the smooth with the rough of it (Blacking her own boots and peeling her own potatoes was not her notion of connubial bliss), Mrs. Blake began to find that she had pretty nearly had enough of it. And came, in course of time, to think that Blake's own original line of conduct wasn't so much amiss. 260 Lost Mr. Blake And now that wicked person — that detestable sinner (" Belial Blake " his friends and well-wishers call him for his atrocities), And his poor deluded victim whom all her Christian brothers dislike and pity so, Go to the parish church only on Sunday morning and afternoon and occasionally on a week-day, and spend their evenings in connubial fondlings and affectionate reciprocities. And I should like to know where in the world (or rather, out of it) they expect to go ! 261 THE DUKE OF PLAZA-TORO In enterprise of martial kind, When there was any fighting, He led his regiment from behind (He found it less exciting). But when away his regiment ran, His place was at the fore, O — That celebrated, Cultivated, Underrated Nobleman, The Duke of Plaza-Toro 1 262 The Duke of Plaza-Toro In the first and foremost flight, ha, ha ! You always found that knight, ha, ha ! That celebrated. Cultivated, Underrated Nobleman, The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! When, to evade Destruction's hand, To hide they all proceeded, No soldier in that gallant band Hid half as well as he did. He lay concealed throughout the war, And so preserved his gore, O ! That unaffected, Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! In every doughty deed, ha, ha ! He always took the lead, ha, ha f That unaffected. Undetected, Well connected Warrior, The Duke of Plaza-Toro I When told that they would all be shot Unless they left the service, That hero hesitated not. So marvellous his nerve is. He sent his resignation in. The first of all his corps, O ! 263 The Duke of Plaza-Toro That very knowing, Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro I To men of grosser clay, ha, ha ! He always showed the way, ha, ha I That very knowing. Overflowing, Easy-going Paladin, The Duke of Plaza-Toro ! 264 '(2^, THE BABY'S VENGEANCE Weary at heart and extremely ill Was Paley Vollaire of Bromptonville, In a dirty lodging, with fever down, Close to the Polygon, Somers Town. Paley Vollaire was an only son (For why ? His mother had had but one), And Paley herited gold and grounds Worth several hundred thousand pounds. But he, like many a rich young man, Through this magnificent fortune ran. And nothing was left for his daily needs But duplicate copies of mortgage-deeds. Shabby and sorry and sorely sick, He slept, and dreamt that the clock's "tick, tick,' Was one of the Fates, with a long sharp knife, Snicking off bits of his shortened life. 265 The Baby's Vengeance He woke and counted the pips on the walls, The outdoor passengers' loud footfalls, And reckoned all over, and reckoned again, The little white tufts on his counterpane. A medical man to his bedside came (I can't remember that doctor's name). And said, " You'll die in a very short while If you don't set sail for Madeira's isle," " Go to Madeira ? goodness me ! I haven't the money to pay your fee ! " " Then, Paley Vollaire," said the leech, " good-bye ; I'll come no more, for you're sure to die." He sighed and he groaned and smote his breast ; " Oh, send," said he, " for Frederick West, Ere senses fade or my eyes grow dim : I've a terrible tale to whisper him ! " 266 The Baby's Vengeance Poor was Frederick's lot in life, — A dustman he with a fair young wife, A worthy man with a hard-earned store, A hundred and seventy pounds — or more. V.jiw Frederick came, and he said, " Maybe You'll say what you happen to want with me ? " " Wronged boy," said Paley Vollaire, "I will, But don't you fidget yourself — sit still. " 'Tis now some thirty-seven years ago Since first began the plot that I'm revealing. A fine young woman, wed ten years or so. Lived with her husband down in Drum Lane, Ealing, Herself by means of mangling reimbursing. And now and then (at intervals) wet-nursing. 267 The Baby's Vengeance " Two little babes dwelt in her humble cot : One was her own — the other only lent to hers Her own ske slighted. Tempted by a lot Of gold and silver regularly sent to her, She ministered unto the little other In the capacity of foster-mother. " / was Jier own. Oh ! how I lay and sobbed In my poor cradle — deeply, deeply cursing The rich man's pampered bantling, who had robbed My only birthright — an attentive nursing ! Sometimes, in hatred of my foster-brother, I gnashed my gums — which terrified my mother. ./^si One darksome day (I should have mentioned that We were alike in dress and baby feature) I in MY cradle having placed the brat, Crept into his — the pampered little creature ! It was imprudent — well, disgraceful maybe, For, oh ! I was a bad, black-hearted baby .1 268 The Baby's Vengeance " So rare a luxury was food, I think There was no wickedness I wouldn't try for it. Now if I wanted anything to drink At any time, I only had to cry for it ! Once, if I dared to weep, the bottle lacking, My blubbering involved a serious smacking ! " We grew up in the usual way — my friend, My foster-brother, daily growing thinner. While gradually I began to mend, And thrived amazingly on double dinner. And every one, besides my foster-mother, Believed that either of us was the other. " I came into his wealth — I bore his name, I bear it still — his property I squandered — I mortgaged everything — and now (oh, shame ! ) Into a Somers Town shake-down I've wandered ! I am no Paley — no Vollaire — it's true, my boy ! The only rightful Paley V. \% you, my boy! " And all I have is yours — and yours is mine. I still may place you in your true position : Give me the pounds you've saved, and I'll resign My noble name, my rank, and my condition. So for my sin in fraudulently owning Your vasty wealth, I am at last atoning ! " Frederick he was a simple soul, He pulled from his pocket a bulky roll. And gave to Paley his hard-earned store, A hundred and seventy pounds or more 269 The Baby's Vengeance Paley Vollaire, with many a groan, Gave Frederick all that he'd called his own, — Two shirts and a sock, and a vest of jean, A Wellington boot and a bamboo cane. And Fred (entitled to all things there) He took the fever from Mr. Vollaire, Which killed poor Frederick West. Meanwhile Vollaire sailed off to Madeira's isle. 270 THE ESTHETE If you're anxious for to shine in the high aesthetic line, as a man of culture rare, You must get up all the germs of the transcendental terms, and plant them everywhere. You must lie upon the daisies and discourse in novel phrases of your complicated state of mind (The meaning doesn't matter if it's only idle chatter of a transcendental kind). And every one will say, As you walk your mystic way, " If this young man expresses himself in terms too deep for me, Why, v/hat a very singularly deep young man this deep young man must be ! " 271 The iEsthete Be eloquent in praise of ttie very dull old days which have long since passed away, And convince 'em, if you can, that the reign of good Queen Anne was Culture's palmiest day. Of course you will pooh-pooh whatever's fresh and new, and declare it's crude and mean. And that Art stopped short in the cultivated court of the Empress Josephine. And every one will say. As you walk your mystic way, " If that's not good enough for him which is good enough for me. Why, what a very cultivated kind of youth this kind of youth must be ! " Then a sentimental passion of a vegetable fashion must excite your languid spleen, An attachment a la Plato for a bashful young potato, or a not-too -French French bean. Though the Philistines may jostle, you will rank as an apostle in the high aesthetic band. If you walk down Piccadilly with a poppy or a lily in your mediaeval hand. And every one will say. As you walk your flowery way, " If he's content with a vegetable love which would certainly not suit me. Why, what a most particularly pure young man this pure young man must be ! " 272 THE CAPTAIN AND THE MERMAIDS I SING a legend of the sea. So hard-a-port upon your lee ! A ship on starboard tack ! She's bound upon a private cruise — (This is the kind of spice I use To give a salt-sea smack). Behold, on every afternoon (Save in a gale or strong monsoon) Great Captain Capel Cleggs (Great morally, though rather short) Sat at an open weather-port And aired his shapely legs. And Mermaids hung around in flocks, On cable chains and distant rocks, To gaze upon those limbs ; For legs like his, of flesh and bone. Are things " not generally known " To any Merman Times. But Mermen didn't seem to care Much time (as far as I'm aware) With Cleggs's legs to spend ; Though Mermaids swam around all day And gazed, exclaiming, "That's the way A gentleman should end ! 273 T The Captain and the Mermaids " A pair of legs with well-cut knees And calves and ankles such as these Which we in rapture hail, Are far more eloquent, it's clear, When clothed in silk and kerseymere, Than any nasty tail." And Cleggs — a worthy kind old boy — Rejoiced to add to others' joy. And, though he scarce knew why (Perhaps to please the lookers-on), He sat there every day — though con- stitutionally shy. At first the Mermen sneered pooh-pooh, But finally they jealous grew, And sounded loud recalls ; But vainly. So these fishy males Declared they too would clothe their tails In silken hose and smalls. 274 The Captain and the Mermaids They set to work, these water -men, And made their nether robes — but when They drew with dainty touch The kerseymere upon their tails, They found it scraped against their scales, And hurt them very much. The silk, besides, with which they chose To deck their tails, by way of hose (They never thought of shoon). For such a use was much too thin, — It tore against the caudal fin And "went in ladders" soon. So they designed another plan : They sent their most seductive man This note to Cleggs to show — "Our Monarch sends to Captain Cleggs His humble compliments, and begs He'll join him down below ; " We've pleasant homes below the sea- Besides, if Captain Cleggs should be (As our advices say) A judge of Mermaids, he will find Our lady-fish of every kind Inspection will repay." Good Capel sent a kind reply. For Capel thought he could descry An admirable plan To study all their ways and laws — (But not their lady-fish, because He was a married man). 275 The Captain and the Mermaids The Merman sank — the Captain too Jumped overboard, and dropped from view Like stone from catapult ; And when he reached the Merman's lair He certainly was welcomed there, But, ah ! with what result ? They didn't let him learn their law, Or make a note of what he saw, Or interesting mem. : The lady-iish he couldn't find. But that, of course, he didn't mind- He didn't come for them. For though when Captain Capel sank, The Mermen drawn in double rank Gave him a hearty hail ; Yet when secure of Captain Cleggs, They cut off both his lovely legs. And gave him such a tail ! 2^6 The Captain and the Mermaids When Captain Cleggs returned aboard, His blithesome crew convulsive roar'd, To see him altered so. The Admiralty did insist That he upon the Half-pay list Immediately should go. In vain declared the poor old salt, " It's my misfortune — not my fault," With tear and trembling lip — In vain poor Capel begged and begged— ''A man must be completely legged Who rules a British ship." So spake the stern First Lord aloud- He was a wag, though very proud, And much rejoiced to say, " You're only half a captain now — And so, my worthy friend, I vow You'll only get half-pay." 377 SAID I TO MYSELF, SAID I When I went to the Bar as a very young man (Said I to myself — said I), I'll work on a new and original plan (Said I to myself — said I), I'll never assume that a rogue or a thief Is a gentleman worthy implicit belief, Because his attorney has sent me a brief (Said I to myself — said 1 1) rU never throw dust in a juryman's eyes (Said I to myself — said I), Or hoodwink a judge who is not over-wise (Said I to myself — said I), Or assume that the witnesses summoned in force In Exchequer, Queen's Bench, Common Pleas, or Divorce, Have perjured themselves as a matter of course (Said I to myself — said 11) 278 Said I to Myself, Said I Ere I go into court I will read my brief through (Said I to myself — said I), And I'll never take work I'm unable to do (Said I to myself — said I). My learned profession I'll never disgrace By taking a fee with a grin on my face, When I haven't been there to attend to the case (Said I to myself — said I !) In other professions in which men engage (Said I to myself — said I), The Army, the Navy, the Church, and the Stage (Said I to myself — said I), Professional licence, if carried too far, Your chance of promotion will certainly mar — And I fancy the rule might apply to the Bar (Said I to myself — said I ! ) 279 ANNIE PROTHEROE A LEGEND OF STRATFORD-LE-BOW Oh ! listen to the tale of little Annie Protheroe, She kept a small post-office in the neighbourhood of Bow, She loved a skilled mechanic, who was famous in his day — ■ A gentle executioner whose name was Gilbert Clay. I think I hear you say, "A dreadful subject for your rhymes ! " O reader, do not shrink- — he didn't live in modern times ! He lived so long ago (the sketch will show it at a glance) That all his actions glitter with the limelight of Romance. In busy times he laboured at his gentle craft all day — '' No doubt you mean his Cal-craft " you amusingly will say — ■ But, no — he didn't operate with common bits of string, He was a Public Headsman, which is quite another thing 280 Annie Protheroe And when his work was over, they would ramble o'er the lea, And sit beneath the frondage of an elderberry tree ; And Annie's simple prattle entertained him on his walk, For public executions formed the subject of her talk. And sometimes he'd explain to her, which charmed her very much, How famous operators vary very much in touch, And then, perhaps, he'd show how he himself performed the trick. And illustrate his meaning with a poppy and a stick. Or, if it rained, the little maid would stop at home, and look At his favourable notices, all pasted in a book. And then her cheek would flush — her swimming eyes would dance with joy In a glow of admiration at the prowess of her boy. Annie Protheroe One summer eve, at supper-time, the gentle Gilbert said (As he helped his pretty Annie to a slice of collared head), " This collared head reminds me that to-morrow is the day When I decapitate your former lover, Peter Gray." He saw his Annie tremble and he saw his Annie start, Her changing colour trumpeted the flutter at her heart ; Young Gilbert's manly bosom rose and sank with jealous fear, And he said, "O gentle Annie, what's the meaning of this here ? " And Annie answered, blushing in an interesting way, "You think, no doubt, I'm sighing for that felon Peter Gray : That I was his young woman is unquestionably true, But not since I began a-keeping company with you." Then Gilbert, who was irritable, rose and loudly swore He'd know the reason why if she refused to tell him more ; And she answered (all the woman in her flashing from her eyes), " You mustn't ask no questions, and you won't be told no lies ! Annie Protheroe " Few lovers have the privilege enjoyed, my dear, by you, Of chopping oif a rival's head and quartering him too ! Of vengeance, dear, to-morrow you will surely take your fill ! " And Gilbert ground his molars as he answered her, " I will 1 " Young Gilbert rose from table with a stern determined look. And, frowning, took an inexpensive hatchet from its hook ; And Annie watched his movements with an interested air — For the morrow — for the morrow he was going to prepare ! He chipped it with a hammer and he chopped it with a bill. He poured sulphuric acid on the edge of it, until This terrible Avenger of the Majesty of Law Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw. And Annie said, " O Gilbert, dear, I do not understand Why ever you are injuring that hatchet in your hand ? " He said, " It is intended for to lacerate and flay The neck of that unmitigated villain Peter Gray ! " "Now, Gilbert," Annie answered, "wicked headsman, just beware — I won't have Peter tortured with that horrible affair ; If you attempt to flay him, you will surely rue the day.'' But Gilbert said, " Oh, shall I ? " which was just his nasty way. He saw a look of anger from her eyes distinctly dart. For Annie was a 7voman, and had pity in her heart ! She wished him a good evening — he answered with a glare ; She only said, " Remember, for your Annie will be there ! " 283 Annie Protheroe The morrow Gilbert boldly on the scaffold took his stand, With a vizor on his face and with a hatchet in his hand, And all the people noticed that the Engine of the Law Was far less like a hatchet than a dissipated saw. The felon very coolly loosed his collar and his stock. And placed his wicked head upon the handy little block — ■ The hatchet was uplifted for to settle Peter Gray, When Gilbert plainly heard a woman's voice exclaiming, " Stay ! " 'Twas Annie, gentle Annie, as you'll easily believe — • " O Gilbert, you must spare him, for I bring him a re- prieve, It came from our Home Secretary many weeks ago. And passed through that post-office which I used to keep at Bow. "I loved you, loved you madly, and you know it, Gilbert Clay, And having quite surrendered all idea of Peter Gray, I quietly suppressed it, as you'll clearly understand. For I thought it might be awkward if he came and claimed my hand. 284 Annie Protheroe " In anger at my secret (which I could not tell before) To lacerate poor Peter Gray vindictively you swore ; I told you if you used that blunted axe you'd rue the day, And so you will, you monster, for I'll marry Peter Gray ! " [And so she did. 285 SORRY HER LOT Sorry her lot who loves too well, Heavy the heart that hopes but vainly, Sad are the sighs that own the spell Uttered by eyes that speak too plainly ; Heavy the sorrow that bows the head When Love is alive and Hope is dead ! Sad is the hour when sets the Sun — Dark is the night to Earth's poor daughters. When to the ark the wearied one Flies from the empty waste of waters ! Heavy the sorrow that bows the head When Love is alive and Hope is dead ! 286 AN UNFORTUNATE LIKENESS I've painted Shakespeare all my life — " An infant " (even then at play), "A boy," with stage-ambition rife. Then " Married to Ann Hathaway." "The bard's first ticket night" (or "ben."), His " First appearance on the stage," His "Call before the curtain" — then " Rejoicings when he came of age." The bard play-writing in his room, The bard a humble lawyer's clerk. The bard a lawyer ^ — parson ^ — groom ^ — The bard deer-stealing, after dark. " Go with me to a notary — seal me there Your single bond." — Merchant of Venice, Act I., sc. 3. "And there she shall, at Friar Lawrence' cell, Be shrived and married. " — Romeo and Juliet, Act II., sc. 4. "And give their fasting horses provender." — Henry the Fifth, Act IV. , sc. 2. 287 An Unfortunate Likeness The bard a tradesman ^ — and a Jew ^ — • The bard a botanist ^ — a beak * — The bard a skilled musician ^ too — A sherlfif" and a surgeon ^ eke ! Yet critics say (a friendly stock) That, though with all my skill I try, Yet even I can barely mock The ghmmer of his wondrous eye ! One morning as a work I framed. There passed a person, walking hard ; "My gracious goodness," I exclaimed, " How very like my dear old bard ! " Oh, what a model he would make ! " I rushed outside — impulsive me ! — ■' Forgive the liberty I take. But you're so very " — " Stop ! " said he. " You needn't waste your breath or time,— I know what you are going to say, — That you're an artist, and that I'm Remarkably like Shakespeare. Eh ? 1 " Let us, like merchants, show our foulest wares." — Troilus and Cressida^ Act I. , sc. 3= 2 "Then must the Jew be merciful." — Me7'chant of Venue, Act IV., sc. I. ^ '*The spring, the summer, The childing autumn, angry winter, change Their wonted liveries. " ^Midsummer NighCs Dream, Act I V. , sc. I . * " In the county of Glo'ster, justice of the peace and coram." ■ — Merry Wives of Windsor ^ Act I., sc. I. ^ "What lusty trumpet thus doth summon us?" — King John, ActV., sc. 2. " " And I'll provide his executioner." — Henry the Sixth (Second Part), Act III., sc. i. '^ ' * The lioness had torn some flesh away, Which all this while had bled." — As You Like It, Act IV., sc. 3. 288 An Unfortunate Likeness " You wish that I would sit to you ? " I clasped him madly round the waist, And breathlessly replied, " I do ! " "All right," said he, "but please make haste." I led him by his hallowed sleeve, And worked away at him apace, I -painted him till dewy eve, — There never was a nobler face ! " Oh, sir," I said, " a fortune grand Is yours, by dint of merest chance, — To sport his brow at second-hand. To wear his cast-oif countenance ! " To rub his eyes whene'er they ache — To wear his baldness ere you're old — To clean his teeth when you awake — To blow his nose when you've a cold ! " His eyeballs glistened in his eyes — I sat and watched and smoked my pipe ; " Bravo ! " I said, " I recognise The phrensy of your prototype ! " His scanty hair he wildly tore : "That's right," said I, " it shows your breed.''' He danced — he stamped — he wildly swore — " Bless me, that's very fine indeed ! " " Sir," said the grand Shakespearian boy (Continuing to blaze away), " You think my face a source of joy ; That shows you know not what you say. " Forgive these yells and cellar-flaps, I'm always thrown in some such state When on his face well-meaning chaps This wretched man congratulate. 289 u An Unfortunate Likeness " For, oh ! this face — this pointed chin — This nose — this brow — these eyeballs too, Have always been the origin Of all the woes I ever knew ! " If to the play my way I find, To see a grand Shakespearian piece, I have no rest, no ease of mind Until the author's puppets cease ! " Men nudge each other — thus — and say, ' 'This certainly is Shakespeare's son,' And merry wags (of course in play) Cry ' Author ! ' when the piece is done. " In church the people stare at me. Their soul the sermon never binds j I catch them looking round to see. And thoughts of Shakespeare fill their minds " And sculptors, fraught with cunning wile, Who find it difficult to crown A bust with Brown's insipid smile. Or ToMKiNs's unmannered frown, 290 An Unfortunate Likeness " Yet boldly make my face their own, When (oh, presumption !) they require To animate a paving-stone With Shakespeare's intellectual fire. " At parties where young ladies gaze. And I attempt to speak my joy, ' Hush, pray,' some lovely creature says, ' The fond illusion don't destroy ! ' " Whene'er I speak my soul is wrung With these or some such whisperings ; ' 'Tis pity that a Shakespeare's tongue Should say such un-Shakespearian things ! ' " I should not thus be criticised Had I face of common wont : Don't envy me — now, be advised ! " And, now I think of it, I don't 1 291 THE CONTEMPLATIVE SENTRY When all night long a chap remains On sentry-go, to chase monotony He exercises of his brains, That is, assuming that he's got any. Though never nurtured in the lap Of luxury, yet I admonish you, I am an intellectual chap. And think of things that would astonish you. I often think it's comical How Nature always does contrive That every boy and every gal, That's born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative ! Fal lal la ! 292 The Contemplative Sentry When in that house M.P.'s divide, If they've a brain and cerebellum, too, They've got to leave that brain outside, And vote just as their leaders tell 'em to. But then the prospect of a lot Of statesmen, all in close proximity, A-thinking for themselves, is what No man can face with equanimity. Then let's rejoice with loud Fal lal That Nature wisely does contrive That every boy and every gal. That's born into the world alive, Is either a little Liberal, Or else a little Conservative ! Fal lal la ! 293 GREGORY PARABLE, LL.D. A LEAFY cot, where no dry rot Had ever been by tenant seen, Where ivy clung and wopses stung, Where beeses hummed and drummed and strummed, Where treeses grew and breezes blew — A thatchy roof, quite waterproof. Where countless herds of dicky-birds Built twiggy beds to lay their heads (My mother begs I'll make it " eggs," But though it's true that dickies do Construct a nest with chirpy noise. With view to rest their eggy joys, 294 Gregory Parable, LL.D. 'Neath eavy sheds, yet eggs and beds, As I explain to her in vain Five hundred times, are faulty rhymes). 'Neath such a cot, built on a plot Of freehold land, dwelt Mary and Her worthy father, named by me Gregory Parable, LL.D. He knew no guile, this simple man. No worldly wile, or plot, or plan. Except that plot of freehold land That held the cot, and Mary, and Her worthy father, named by me Gregory Parable, LL.D. A grave and learned scholar he, Yet simple as a child could be. He'd shirk his meal to sit and cram A goodish deal of Eton Gram. No man alive could him nonplus With vocative offilius; No man alive more fully knew The passive of a verb or two ; None better knew the worth than he Of words that end in b, d, t. Upon his green in early spring He might be seen endeavouring To understand the hooks and crooks Of Henry and his Latin books ; Or calling for his " Caesar on The Gallic War," like any don ; Or, p'raps, expounding unto all How mythic Balbus built a wall. So lived the sage who's named by me Gregory Parable, LL.D. 295 Gregory Parable, LL.D. To him one autumn day there came A lovely youth of mystic name : He took a lodging in the house, And fell a-dodging snipe and grouse, For, oh ! that mild scholastic one Let shooting for a single gun. By three or four, when sport was o'er. The Mystic One laid by his gun, And made sheep's eyes of giant size. Till after tea, at Mary P. And Mary P. (so kind was she). She, too, made eyes of giant size, Whose every dart right through the heart Appeared to run that Mystic One. The Doctor's whim engrossing him. He did not know they flirted so. For, save at tea, " musa musts," As I'm advised, monopolised And rendered blind his giant mind. 296 Gregory Parable, LL.D, But looking up above his cup One afternoon, he saw them spoon. " Aha ! " quoth he, " you naughty lass ! As quaint old Ovid says, ' Amas ! ' " The Mystic Youth avowed the truth, And, claiming ruth, he said, " In sooth. I love your daughter, aged man : Refuse to join us if you can. Treat not my offer, sir, with scorn, I'm wealthy though I'm lowly born.'' "Young sir,'' the aged scholar said, " I never thought you meant to wed : Engrossed completely with my books, I little noticed lovers' looks. I've lived so long away from man, I do not know of any plan By which to test a lover's worth. Except, perhaps, the test of birth. I've half forgotten in this wild A father's duty to his child. It is his place, I think it's said, To see his daughters richly wed To dignitaries of the earth — If possible, of noble birth. If noble birth is not at hand, A father may, I understand (And this affords a chance for you), Be satisfied to wed her to A BoucicAULT or Baring — which Means any one who's very rich. Now, there's an Earl who lives hard by,- My child and I will go and try If he will make the maid his bride — If not, to you she shall be tied." They sought the Earl that very day j The Sage began to say his say. 297 Gregory Parable, LL.D. The Earl (a very wicked man, Whose face bore Vice's blackest ban) Cut short the scholar's simple tale, And said in voice to make them quail, "Pooh! go along! you're drunk, no doubt- Here, Peters, turn these people out ! " J^M The Sage, rebuffed in mode uncouth, Returning, met the Mystic Youth. " My darling boy," the Scholar said, " Take Mary — blessings on your head ! " The Mystic Boy undid his vest. And took a parchment from his breast, And said, " Now, by that noble brow, I ne'er knew father such as thou ! The sterling rule of common sense Now reaps its proper recompense. Rejoice, my soul's unequalled Queen, For I am Duke of Gretna Green ! " 298 THE PHILOSOPHIC PILL I've wisdom from the East and from the West, That's subject to no academic rule ; You may find it in the jeering of a jest, Or distil it from the folly cf a fool. I can teach you with a quip, if I've a mind ; I can trick you into learning with a laugh ; Oh, winnow all my folly, and you'll find A grain or two of truth among the chaff! I can set a braggart quailing with a quip, The upstart I can wither with a whim ; He may wear a merry laugh upon his lip. But his laughter has an echo that is grim. 299 The Philosophic Pill When they're offered to the world in merry guise, Unpleasant truths are swallowed with a will — For he who'd make his fellow-creatures wise Should always gild the philosophic pill .' 300 THE KING OF CANOODLE-DUM The story of Frederick Gowler, A mariner of the sea, Who quitted his ship, the Howler, A-sailing in Caribbee. For many a day he wandered, Till he met, in a state of rum. Calamity Pop Von Peppermint Drop, The King of Canoodle-Dum. That monarch addressed him gaily, " Hum ! Golly de do to-day ? Hum! Lily-white Buckra Sailee" — (You notice his playful way ?) — "What dickens you doin' here, sar? Why debbil you want to come ? Hum ! Picaninnee, dere isn't no sea In City Canoodle-Dum ! " 301 The King of Canoodle-Dum And GowLER he answered sadly, " Oh, mine is a doleful tale ! They've treated me werry badly In Lunnon, from where I hail. I'm one of the Family Royal No common Jack Tar you see ; I'm William the Fourth, far up in the North, A King in my own countree ! " Bang-bang ! How the tom-toms thundered ! Bang-bang ! How they thumped the gongs ! Bang-bang ! How the people wondered ! Bang-bang ! At it, hammer and tongs ! Alliance with Kings of Europe Is an honour Canoodlers seek ; Her monarchs don't stop with Peppermint Drop Every day in the week ! Fred told them that he was undone, For his people all went insane. And fired the Tower of London, And Grinnidge's Naval Fane. And some of them racked St. James's, And vented their rage upon The Church of St. Paul, the Fishmongers' Hall, And the " Angel " at Islington. Calamity Pop implored him At Canoodle-Dum to remain Till those people of his restored him To power and rank again. Calamity Pop he made him A Prince of Canoodle-Dum, With a couple of caves, some beautiful slaves. And the run of the royal rum. 302 The King of Canoodle-Dum Pop gave him his only daughter, Hum Pickety Wimple Tip : Fred vowed that if over the water He went, in an English ship, He'd make her his Queen, — though truly. It is an unusual thing For a Caribbee brat who's as black as your hat To be wife of an English King. And all the Canoodle-Dummers They copied his rolling walk. His method of draining rummers. His emblematical talk. For his dress and his graceful breeding. His delicate taste in rum. And his nautical way, were the talk of the day In the Court of Canoodle-Dum. , 303 The King of Canoodle-Dum Calamity Pop most wisely Determined in everything To model his Court precisely On that of the English King ; And ordered that every lady And every lady's lord Should masticate jacky (a kind of tobaccy) And scatter its juice abroad. They signified wonder roundly At any astounding yarn, By darning their dear eyes roundly ('Twas all that they had to darn). They "hoisted their slacks," adjusting Garments of plantain-leaves With nautical twitches (as if they wore- Instead of a dress like Eve's !) -stitches, They shivered their timbers proudly, At a phantom fore-lock dragged. And called for a hornpipe loudly Whenever amusement flagged. 304 The King of Canoodle-Dum " Hum ! Golly ! him Pop resemble, Him Britisher sov'reign, hum ! Calamity Pop Von Peppermint Drop, Da King of Canoodle-Dum ! " The mariner's lively " Hollo ! " Enlivened Canoodle's plain (For blessings unnumbered follow In Civilisation's train). But Fortune, who loves a bathos, A terrible ending planned, For Admiral D. Chickabiddy, C.B., Placed foot on Canoodle land ! That officer seized King Gowler ; He threatened his royal brains. And put him aboard the Howler, And fastened him down with chains. The Howler she weighed her anchor. With Frederick nicely nailed. And off to the North with William the Fourth That Admiral slowly sailed. 3°S X The King of Canoodle-Dum Calamity said (with folly) " Hum ! nebber want him again — Him civilise all of us, golly ! Calamity suck him brain ! " The people, however, were pained when They saw him aboard the ship. But none of them wept for their Freddy, except Hum PiCKiTY Wimple Tip. 306 BLUE BLOOD Spurn not the nobly born With love affected, Nor treat with virtuous scorn The well connected. High rank involves no shame — We boast an equal claim With him of humble name To be respected ! Blue blood ! Blue blood,! When virtuous love is sought, Thy power is naught, Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood ! 307 Blue Blood Spare us the bitter pain Of stern denials, Nor with low-born disdain Augment our trials. Hearts just as pure and fair May beat in Belgrave Square As in the lowly air Of Seven Dials ! Blue blood ! Blue blood ! Of what avail art thou To serve me now ? Though dating from the Flood, Blue blood ! 308 FIRST LOVE A CLERGYMAN in Berkshire dwelt, The Reverend Bernard Bowles, And in his church there weekly knelt At least a hundred souls. There little Ellen you might see. The modest rustic belle ; In maidenly simplicity. She loved her Bernard well. Though Ellen wore a plain silk gown Untrimmed with lace or fur, Yet not a husband in the town But wished his wife like her. 309 First Love Though sterner memories might fade, You never could forget The child-form of that baby-maid, The Village Violet ! A simple frightened loveliness, Whose sacred spirit-part Shrank timidly from worldly stress, And nestled in your heart. PowLES woo'd with every well-worn plan And all the usual wiles With which a well-schooled gentleman A simple heart beguiles. The hackneyed compliments that bore World-folks like you and me. Appeared to her as if they wore The crown of Poesy. His winking eyelid sang a song Her heart could understand. Eternity seemed scarce too long When Bernard squeezed her hand. He ordered down the martial crew Of Godfrey's Grenadiers, And CooTE conspired with Tinney to Ecstaticise her ears. 310 First Love Beneath her window, veiled from eye, They nightly took their stand ; On birthdays supplemented by The Covent Garden band. And little Ellen, all alone, Enraptured sat above, And thought how blest she was to own The wealth of Powles's love. I often, often wonder what Poor Ellen saw in him ; For calculated he was not To please a woman's whim. He wasn't good, despite the air An M.B. waistcoat gives ; Indeed, his dearest friends declare No greater humbug lives. 3" First Love No kind of virtue decked this priest. He'd nothing to allure ; He wasn't handsome in the least, — He wasn't even poor. No — he was cursed with acres fat (A Christian's direst ban), And gold — yet, notwithstanding that, Poor Ellen loved the man. As unlike Bernard as could be Was poor old Aaron Wood (Disgraceful Bernard's curate he); He was extremely good. A Bayard in his moral pluck Without reproach or fear, A quiet venerable duck With fifty pounds a year. 312 First Love No fault had he — no fad, except A tendency to strum, In mode at which you would have wept, A dull harmonium. He had no gold with which to hire The minstrels who could best Convey a notion of the fire That raged within his breast. And so, when Coote and Tinney's Own Had tootled all they knew, And wh-en the Guards, completely blown, Exhaustedly withdrew, And Nell began to sleepy feel. Poor Aaron then would come, And underneath her window wheel His plain harmonium. He woke her every morn at two, And having gained her ear. In vivid colours Aaron drew The sluggard's grim career. He warbled Apiarian praise. And taught her in his chant To shun the dog's pugnacious ways. And imitate the ant. Still Nell seemed not, how much he played, To love him out and out. Although the admirable maid Respected him, no doubt. 313 First Love She told him of her early vow, And said as Bernard's wife It might be hers to show him how To rectify his life. "You are so pure, so kind, so true, Your goodness shines so bright, What use would Ellen be to you ? Believe me, you're all right." She wished him happiness and health, And flew on lightning wings To Bernard with his dangerous wealth And all the woes it brings. 314 THE JUDGE'S SONG When I, good friends, was called to the Bar. I'd an appetite fresh and hearty, But I was, as many young barristers are, An impecunious party. I'd a swallow-tail coat of a beautiful blue — A brief which was brought by a booby — A couple of shirts and a collar or two. And a ring that looked like a ruby ! In Westminster Hall I danced a dance, Like a semi-despondent fury ; For I thought I should never hit on a chance Of addressing a British Jury — But I soon got tired of third-class journeys, And dinners of bread and water ; So I fell in love with a rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. 315 The Judge's Song The rich attorney, he wiped his eyes, And replied to my fond professions : "You shall reap the reward of your enterprise, At the Bailey and Middlesex Sessions. You'll soon get used to her looks," said he, " And a very nice girl you'll find her — She may very well pass for forty-three In the dusk, with a light behind her ! " The rich attorney was as good as his word : The briefs came trooping gaily. And every day my voice was heard At the Sessions or Ancient Bailey. All thieves who could my fees afford Relied on my orations, And many a burglar I've restored To his friends and his relations. At length I became as rich as the Gurneys- An incubus then I thought her. So I threw over that rich attorney's Elderly, ugly daughter. The rich attorney my character high Tried vainly to disparage — And now, if you please, I'm ready to try This Breach of Promise of Marriage ! 316 BRAVE ALUM BEY Oh, big was the bosom of brave Alum Bey, And also the region that under it lay, In safety and peril remarkably cool. And he dwelt on the banks of the river Stamboul. Each morning he went to his garden, to cull A bunch of zenana or sprig of bul-bul, And offered the bouquet, in exquisite bloom. To Backsheesh, the daughter of Rahat Lakoum. 317 Brave Alum Bey No maiden like Backsheesh could tastily cook A kettle of kismet or joint of tchibouk, As Alum, brave fellow ! sat pensively by, With a bright sympathetic ka-bob in his eye. Stern duty compelled him to leave her one day — (A ship's supercargo was brave Alum Bey) — To pretty young Backsheesh he made a salaam, And sailed to the isle of Seringapatam. "O Alum," said she, "think again, ere you go — Hareems may arise and Moguls they may blow ; You may strike on a fez, or be drowned, which is wuss ! ' But Alum embraced her and spoke to her thus : Cease weeping, fair Backsheesh ! I willingly swear Cork jackets and trousers I always will wear. And I also throw in a large number of oaths That I never — no, never — will take off my clothes ! " They left Madagascar away on their right. And made Clapham Common the following night, Then lay on their oars for a fortnight or two, Becalmed in the ocean of Honololu. One day Alum saw, with alarm in his breast, A cloud on the nor-sow-sow-nor-sow-nor-west ; The wind it arose, and the crew gave a scream, For they knew it — they knew it ! — the dreaded Hareem ! \ The mast it went over, and so did the sails, Brave Alum threw over his casks and his bales ; The billows arose as the weather grew thick, And all except Alum were terribly sick. 318 Brave Alum Bey The crew were but three, but they holloa'd for nine, They howled and they blubbered with wail and with whine : The skipper he fainted away in the fore, For he hadn't the heart for to skip any more. " Ho, coward ! " said Alum, " with heart of a child ! Thou son of a party whose grave is defiled ! Is Alum in terror ? is Alum afeard ? Ho ! ho ! If you had one I'd laugh at your beard." His eyeball it gleamed like a furnace of coke ; He boldly inflated his clothes as he spoke ; He daringly felt for the corks on his chest, And he recklessly tightened the belt at his breast. For he knew, the brave Alum, that, happen what might. With belts and cork-jacketing, he was all right ; Though others might sink, he was certain to swim, — No Hareem whatever had terrors for him ! They begged him to spare from his personal store A single cork garment — they asked for no more ; But he couldn't, because of the number of oaths That he never — no, never ! — would take off his clothes. The billows dash o'er them and topple around, They see they are pretty near sure to be drowned. A terrible wave o'er the quarter-deck breaks. And the vessel it sinks in a couple of shakes ! The dreadful Hareem, though it knows how to blow, Expends all its strength in a minute or so ; When the vessel had foundered, as I have detailed, The tempest subsided, and quiet prevailed. 319 Brave Alum Bey One seized on a cork with a yelling " Ha ! ha ! " (Its bottle had 'prisoned a pint of Pacha) — Another a toothpick — another a tray — ■ " Alas ! it is useless ! " said brave Alum Bey. " To holloa and kick is a very bad plan : Get it over, my tulips, as soon as you can ; You'd better lay hold of a good lump of lead, And cling to it tightly until you are dead. " Just raise your hands over your pretty heads — so- Right down to the bottom you're certain to go. Ta ! ta ! I'm afraid we shall not meet again " — For the truly courageous are truly humane. Brave Alum was picked up the very next day — A man-o'-war sighted him smoking away ; With hunger and cold he was ready to drop, So they sent him below and they gave him a chop. 320 Brave Alum Bey O reader, or readress, whichever you be, You weep for the crew who have sunk in the sea ? O reader, or readress, read farther, and dry The bright sympathetic ka-bob in your eye. That ship had a grapple with three iron spikes, — It's lowered, and, ha ! on a something it strikes ! They haul it aboard with a British "heave-ho !" And what it has fished the drawing will show. There was Wilson, and Parker, and Tomlinson, too- (The first was the captain, the others the crew) — As lively and spry as a Malabar ape. Quite pleased and surprised at their happy escape. And Alum, brave fellow, who stood in the fore, And never expected to look on them more. Was really delighted to see them again. For the truly courageous are truly humane. 321 WHEN I FIRST PUT THIS UNIFORM ON When I first put this uniform on, I said, as I looked in the glass, "It's one to a million That any civilian My figure and form will surpass. Gold lace has a charm for the fair, And I've plenty of that, and to spare, While a lover's professions. When uttered in Hessians, Are eloquent everywhere ! " A fact that I counted upon. When I first put this uniform on ! 322 When I First Put this Unitorm On I said, when I first put it on, " It is plain to the veriest dunce That every beauty Will feel it her duty To yield to its glamour at once. They will see that I'm freely gold-laced In a uniform handsome and chaste " — But the peripatetics Of long-haired sesthetics. Are very much more to their taste — ■ Which I never counted upon When I first put this uniform on J SIR BARNABY BAMPTON BOO This is Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo, Last of a noble race, Barnabv Bampton, coming to woo, All at a deuce of a pace. Barnaby Bampton Boo, Here is a health to you : Here is wishing you luck, you elderly buck — Barnaby Bampton Boo ! The excellent women of Tuptonvee Knew Sir Barnaby Boo ; One of them surely his bride would be. But dickens a soul knew who. Women of Tuptonvee, Here is a health to ye : For a Baronet, dears, you would cut off your cars, Women of Tuptonvee 1 324 Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo Here are old Mr. and Mrs. de Plow (Peter his Christian name), They kept seven oxen, a pig, and a cow — Farming it was their game. Worthy old Peter de Plow, Here is a health to thou : Your race isn't run, though you're seventy-one, Worthy old Peter de Plow ! To excellent Mr. and Mrs. de Plow Came Sir Barnaby Boo, He asked for their daughter, and told 'em as how He was as rich as a Jew. Barnaby Bampton's wealth, Here is your jolly good health : I'd never repine if you came to be mine, Barnaby Bampton's wealth 1 325 Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo " O great Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo " (Said Plow to that titled swell), " My missus has given me daughters two — Amelia and Volatile Nell ! " Amelia and Volatile Nell, I hope you're uncommonly well : You two pretty pearls — you extremely nice girls- Amelia and Volatile Nell ! ■8a6— " Amelia is passable only, in face, But, oh ! she's a worthy girl ; Superior morals like hers would grace The home of a belted Earl." Morality, heavenly link ! To you I'll eternally drink : I'm awfully fond of that heavenly bond, Morality, heavenly link ! 326 Slr^arnaby iJampton doo " Now Nelly's the prettier, p'raps, of my gals, But, oh ! she's a wayward chit ; She dresses herself in her showy fal-lals. And doesn't read Tupper a bit ! " O Tupper, philosopher true. How do you happen to do ? A publisher looks with respect on your books, For they do sell, philosopher true ! • ^^ The Bart. (I'll be hanged if I drink him again, Or care if he's ill or well). He sneered at the goodness of Milly the Plain, And cottoned to Volatile Nell ! O Volatile Nelly de P. ! Be hanged if I'll empty to thee : I like worthy maids, not mere frivolous jades, Volatile Nelly de P. ! 327 Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo They bolted, the Bart, and his frivolous dear, And MiLLY was left to pout ; For years they've got on very well, as I hear. But soon he will rue it, no doubt. excellent Milly de Plow, 1 really can't drink to you now; My head isn't strong, and the song has been long. Excellent Milly de Plow ! 328 SOLATIUM Comes the broken flower — • Comes the cheated maid — Though the tempest lower, Rain and cloud will fade ! Take, O maid, these posies :' Though thy beauty rare Shame the blushing roses, They are passing fair ! Wear the flowers till they fade | Happy be thy life, O maid ! O'er the season vernal, Time may cast a shade ; Sunshine, if eternal. Makes the roses fade : Time may do his duty; Let the thief alone — ■ Winter hath a beauty That is all his own. Fairest days are sun and shade s Happy be thy life, O maid ! 329 THE MODEST COUPLE When man and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye, I always droop my own — I am the shyest of the shy. I'm also fond of bashfulness, and sitting down on thorns, For modesty's a quality that womankind adorns. Whenever I am introduced to any pretty maid, My knees they knock together, just as if I were afraid ; I flutter, and I stammer, and I turn a pleasing red. For to laugh, and flirt, and ogle I consider most ill-bred. But still in all these matters, as in other things below, There is a proper medium, as I'm about to show. I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try To carry on as Peter carried on with Sarah Bligh. 33° The Modest Couple Betrothed they were when very young — before they'd learnt to speak (For Sarah was but six days old, and Peter was a week) ; Though little more than babies at those early ages, yet They bashfully would faint when they occasionally met. They blushed, and flushed, and fainted, till they reached the age of nine. When Peter's good papa (he was a Baron of the Rhine) Determined to endeavour some sound argument to find To bring these shy young people to a proper frame of mind. He told them that as Sarah was to be his Peter's bride, They might at least consent to sit at table side by side ; He begged that they would now and then shake hands, till he was hoarse, Which Sarah thought indelicate, and Peter very coarse. 331 The Modest Couple And Peter in a tremble to the blushing maid would say, "You must excuse papa, Miss Bligh, — it is his mountain way." Says Sarah, " His behaviour I'll endeavour to forget. But your papa's the coarsest person that I ever met. " He plighted us without our leave, when we were very young. Before we had begun articulating with the tongue. His underbred suggestions fill your Sarah with alarm ; Why, gracious me ! he'll ask us next to walk out arm-in- arm ! " At length when Sarah reached the legal age of twenty-one, The Baron he determined to unite her to his son ; And Sarah in a fainting-fit for weeks unconscious lay. And Peter blushed so hard you might have heard him miles away. IioJi>- ^iK And when the time arrived for taking Sarah to his heart, They were married in two churches half-a-dozen miles apart (Intending to escape all public ridicule and chaif). And the service was conducted by electric telegraph. 332 The Modest Couple And when it was concluded, and the priest had said his say, Until the time arrived when they were both to drive away, They never spoke or offered for to fondle or to fawn, For he waited in the attic, and she waited on the lawn. At length, when four o'clock arrived, and it was time to go. The carriage was announced, but decent Sarah answered "No! Upon my word, I'd rather sleep my everlasting nap. Than go and ride alone with Mr. Peter in a trap." And Peter's over-sensitive and highly-polished mind Wouldn't suffer him to sanction a proceeding of the kind ; And further, he declared he suffered overwhelming shocks At the bare idea of having any coachman on the box. So Peter into one turn-out incontinently rushed. While Sarah in a second trap sat modestly and blushed ; And Mr. Newman's coachman, on authority I've heard. Drove away in gallant style upon the coach-box of a third. Now, though this modest couple in the matter of the car Were very likely carrying a principle too far, I hold their 'shy behaviour was more laudable in them Than that of Peter's brother with Miss Sarah's sister Em. Alphonso, who in cool assurance all creation licks. He up and said to Emmie (who had impudence for six), " Miss Emily, I love you — will you marry ? Say the word ! " And Emily said, " Certainly, Alphonso, like a bird ! " 333 The Modest Couple I do not recommend a newly-married pair to try To carry on as Peter carried on with Sarah Bligh, But still their shy behaviour was more laudable in them Than that of Peter's brother with Miss Sarah's sister Em ^ii'i A NIGHTMARE When you're lying awake with a dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety, I conceive you may use any language you choose to indulge in without impropriety ; For your brain is on fire — the bedclothes conspire of usual slumber to plunder you : First your counterpane goes and uncovers your toes, and your sheet slips demurely from under you ; Then the blanketing tickles — you feel like mixed pickles, so terribly sharp is the pricking. And you're hot, and you're cross, and you tumble and toss till there's nothing 'twixt you and the ticking. 335 A Nightmare Then the bedclothes all creep to the ground in a heap, and you pick 'em all up in a tangle ; Next your pillow resigns and politely declines to remain at its usual angle ! Well, you get some repose in the form of a doze, with hot eyeballs and head ever aching, But your slumbering teems with such horrible dreams that you'd very much better be waking ; For you dream you are crossing the Channel, and tossing about in a steamer from Harwich, Which is something between a large bathing-machine and a very small second-class carriage ; And you're giving a treat (penny ice and cold meat) to a party of friends and relations — They're a ravenous horde — and they all came on board at Sloane Square and South Kensington Stations. And bound on that journey you find your attorney (who started that morning from Devon) ; He's a bit undersized, and you don't feel surprised when he tells you he's only eleven. Well, you're driving like mad with this singular lad (by the bye the ship's now a four-wheeler), And you're playing round games, and he calls you bad names when you tell him that " ties pay the dealer " ; But this you can't stand, so you throw up your hand, and you find you're as cold as an icicle, In your shirt and your socks (the black silk with gold clocks), crossing Salisbury Plain on a bicycle : And he and the crew are on bicycles too — which they've somehow or other invested in — And he's telling the tars all the particu/arj- of a company he's interested in — It's a scheme of devices, to get at low prices, all goods from cough mixtures to cables (Which tickled the sailors) by treating retailers, as though they were all vege^'ables — You get a good spadesman to plant a small tradesman (first take off his boots with a boot-tree), 336 A Nightmare And. his legs will take root, and his fingers will shoot, and they'll blossom and bud like a fruit-tree — From the greengrocer tree you get grapes and green pea, cauliflower, pineapple, and cranberries. While the pastry-cook plant cherry-brandy will grant — apple puffs, and three-corners, and banberries — The shares are a penny, and ever so many are taken by Rothschild and Baring, And just as a few are allotted to you, you awake with a shudder despairing — You're a regular wreck, with a crick in your neck, and no wonder you snore, for your head's on the floor, and you've needles and pins from your soles to your shins, and your flesh is a-creep, for your left leg's asleep, and you've cramp in your toes, and a fly on your nose, and some fluff in your lung, and a feverish tongue, and a thirst that's intense, and a general sense that you haven't been sleeping in clover ; But the darkness has passed, and it's daylight at last, and and the night has been long — ditto, ditto my song — and thank goodness they're both of them over ! 337 THE MARTINET Some time ago, in simple verse, I sang the story true Of Captain Reece, The Mantelpiece, And all her happy crew. I showed how any captain may Attach his men to him. If he but heeds their smallest needs, And studies every whim. Now mark how, by Draconic rule And hauteur ill-advised, The noblest crew upon the blue May be demoralised. 338 The Martinet When his ungrateful country placed Kind Reece upon half-pay, Without much claim Sir Berkely came, And took command one day. Sir Berkely was a martinet — A stern unyielding soul — Who ruled his ship by dint of whip And horrible black-hole. A sailor who was overcome From having freely dined. And chanced to reel when at the wheel, He instantly confined ! 339 The Martinet And tars who, when an action raged, Appeared alarmed or scared, And those below who wished to go. He very seldom spared. E'en he who smote his officer For punishment, was booked, And mutinies upon the seas He rarely overlooked. In short, the happy Mantelpiece Where all had gone so well. Beneath that fool Sir Berkely's rule Became a floating hell. When first Sir Berkely came aboard He read a speech to all. And told them how he'd made a vow To act on duty's call. Then William Lee, he up and said (The captain's coxswain he) : " We've heard the speech your honour's made, And werry pleased we be. "We won't pretend, my lad, as how We're glad to lose our Reece ; Urbane, polite, he suited quite The saucy Mantelpiece. " But if your honour gives your mind To study all our ways. With dance and song we'll jog along As in those happy days. 34° The Martinet " I like your honour's looks, and feel You're worthy of your sword. Your hand, my lad — I'm doosid glad To welcome you aboard ! " Sir Berkely looked amazed, as though He did not understand. " Don't shake your head," good William said, " It is an honest hand. " It's grasped a better hand than yourn — Come, gov'nor, I insist ! " The Captain stared — the coxswain glared- The hand became a fist ! 341 The Martinet "Down, upstart!" said the hardy salt; But Berkely dodged his aim, And made him go in chains below : The seamen m'jrmured "Shame ! " He stopped all songs at 12 p.m.. Stopped hornpipes when at sea. And swore his cot (or bunk) should not Be used by aught than he. He never joined their daily mess, Nor asked them to his own. But- chaffed in gay and social way The officers alone. 342 The Martinet His First Lieutenant, Peter, was As useless as could be, A helpless stick, and always sick When there was any sea. This First Lieutenant proved to be His foster-sister May, Who went to sea for love of he, In masculine array. And when he learnt the curious fact, Did he emotion show, Or dry her tears, or end her fears By marrying her ? No 1 Or did he even try to soothe This maiden in hej- teens ? Oh no ! — instead he made her wed The Sergeant of Marines ! 343 The Martinet Of course such Spartan discipline Would make an angel fret. They drew a lot, and straightway shot This fearful martinet. The Admiralty saw how ill They'd treated Captain Reece ; He was restored once more aboard The saucy Mantelpiece. 344 DON'T FORGET! Now, Marco, dear, My wishes hear : While you're away It's understood You will be good. And not too gay. To every trace Of maiden grace You will be blind, And will not glance By any chance On womankind ! If you are wise. You'll shut your eyes Till we arrive, 34S Don't Forget ! And not address A lady less Than forty-five ; You'll please to frown On every gown That you may see ; And O, my pet, You won't forget You've married me .' O, my darling, O, my pet, Whatever else you may forget, In yonder isle beyond the sea, O, don't forget you've married me ! You'll lay your head Upon your bed At set of sun. You will not sing Of anything To any one : You'll sit and mope All day, I hope. And shed a tear Upon the life Your little wife Is passing here ! And if so be You think of me, Please tell the moon ; I'll read it all In rays that fall On the lagoon : 346 Don't Forget ! You'll be so kind As tell the wind How you may be, And send me words By little birds To comfort me ! And O, my darling, O, my pet. Whatever else you may forget, In yonder isle beyond the sea, O, don't forget you've married me ! 347 THE SAILOR BOY TO HIS LASS I GO away, this blessed day, To sail across the sea, Matilda ! My vessel sails for various parts At twenty after three, Matilda ; I hardly know where we may go, Or if it's near or far, Matilda, For Captain Hyde does not confide In any 'fore-mast tar, Matilda ! 348 The Sailor Boy to his Lass Beneath my ban that mystic man Shall suffer, coute que coiife, Matilda ! What right has he to keep from me The Admiralty route, Matilda ? Because, forsooth ! I am a youth Of common sailors' lot, Matilda ! Am I a man on human plan Designed, or am I not, Matilda ? But there, my lass, we'll let that pass ! With anxious love I burn, Matilda. I want to know if we shall go To church when I return, Matilda ? Your eyes are red, you bow your head ; It's pretty clear you thirst, Matilda, To name the day — What's that you say ? — "You'll see me further first," Matilda? I can't mistake the signs you make, Although you barely speak, Matilda ; Though pure and young, you thrust your tongue Right in your pretty cheek, Matilda ! My dear, I fear I hear you sneer — I do — I'm sure I do, Matilda — With simple grace you make a face. Ejaculating, " Ugh ! " Matilda. Oh, pause to think before you drink The dregs of Lethe's cup, Matilda ! Remember, do, what I've gone through, Before you give me up, Matilda ! Recall again the mental pain Of what I've had to do, Matilda ! And be assured that I've endured It, all along of you, Matilda ! 349 The Sailor Boy to his Lass Do you forget, my blithesome pet, How once with jealous rage, Matilda, I watched you walk and gaily talk With some one thrice your age, Matilda ? You squatted free upon his knee, A sight that made me sad, Matilda? You pinched his cheek with friendly tweak, Which almost drove me mad, Matilda ! I knew him 'not, but thought to spot Some man you wished to wed, Matilda ! I took a gun, my darhng one. And shot him through the head, Matilda ! I'm made of stuff that's rough and gruff Enough, I own ; but, ah, Matilda ! It did annoy your poor old boy To find it was your pa, Matilda ! 35° The Sailor Boy to his Lass I've passed a life of toil and strife, And disappointments deep, Matilda I've lain awake with dental ache Until I fell asleep, Matilda ; At times again I've missed a train. Or p'raps run short of tin, Matilda, And worn a boot on corns that shoot. Or, shaving, cut my chin, Matilda I But, oh ! no trains — no dental pains — Believe me when I say, Matilda. No corns that shoot — no pinching boot Upon a summer day, Matilda — It's my belief, could cause such grief As that I've suffered for, Matilda, My having shot in vital spot Your old progenitor, Matilda ! Bethink you how I've kept the vow I made one winter day, Matilda — That, come what could, I never would Remain too long away, Matilda. And, oh ! the crimes with which, at times, I've charged my gentle mind, Matilda, To keep the vow I made — and now You treat me so unkind, Matilda ! For when at sea off Caribbee, I felt my passion burn, Matilda ; By impulse egged, I went and begged The captain to return, Matilda ; And when, my pet, I couldn't get That captain to agree, Matilda, Right through a sort of open port I pitched him in the sea, Matilda ! 351 The Sailor Boy to his Lass Remember, too, how all the crew. With indignation blind, Matilda, Distinctly swore they ne'er before Had thought me so unkind, Matilda ; And how they'd shun me one by one — • An unforgiving group, Matilda — I stopped their howls and sulky scowls By pizening their soup, Matilda ! So pause to think, before you drink The dregs of Lethe's cup, Matilda ; Remember, do, what I've gone through, Before you give me up, Matilda. 352 The Sailor Boy to his Lass Recall again the mental pain Of what I've had to do, Matilda, And be assured that I've endured It, all along of you, Matilda ! < 353 2 A THE SUICIDE'S GRAVE On a tree by a river a little tomtit Sang " Willow, titwillow, titwillow ! " And I said to him, " Dicky-bird, why do you sit Singing ' Willow, titwillow, titwillow ' ? Is it weakness of intellect, birdie ? " I cried, "Or a rather tough worm in your little inside?" With a shake of his poor little head he replied, "Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow!" He slapped at his chest, as he sat on that bough. Singing " Willow, titwillow, titwillow ! " And a cold perspiration bespangled his brow. Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! 354 The Suicide's Grave He sobbed and he sighed, and a gurgle he gave, Then he threw himself into the billowy wave. And an echo arose from the suicide's grave — " Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! " Now I feel just as sure as I'm sure that my name Isn't Willow, titwillow, titwillow, ■ That 'twas blighted affection that made him exclaim, " Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! " And if you remain callous and obdurate, I Shall perish as he did, and you will know why, Though I probably shall not exclaim as I die, " Oh, willow, titwillow, titwillow ! " 3SS THE REVEREND SIMON MAGUS A RICH advowson, highly prized, For private sale was advertised ; And many a parson made a bid ; The Reverend Simon Magus did. He sought the agent's : " Agent, I Have come prepared at once to buy (If your demand is not too big) The Cure of Otium-cum-Digge." "Ah ! " said the agent, " there^s a berth- The snuggest vicarage on earth ; No sort of duty (so I hear), And fifteen hundred pounds a year ! 356 The Reverend Simon Magus " If on the price we should agree, The living soon will vacant be : The good incumbent's ninety-five, And cannot very long survive. " See — here's his photograph — you see, He's in his dotage." "Ah, dear me ! Poor soul ! " said Simon. " His decease Would be a merciful release ! " The agent laughed — the agent blinked — The agent blew his nose and winked And poked the parson's ribs in play — It was that agent's vulgar way. The Reverend Simon frowned: "I grieve This light demeanour to perceive ; It's scarcely comme ilfaut, I think : Now — pray oblige me — do not wink. " Don't dig my waistcoat into holes — Your mission is to sell the souls Of human sheep and human kids To that divine who highest bids. " Do well in this, and on your head Unnumbered honours will be shed." The agent said, " Well, truth to tell, I have been doing pretty well." "You should," said Simon, "at your age; But now about the parsonage. How many rooms does it contain ? Show me the photograph again. 357 The Reverend Simon Magus " A poor apostle's humble house Must not be too luxurious ; No stately halls with oaken floor — It should be decent and no more. " No billiard-rooms — no stately trees- No croquet-grounds or pineries." "Ah ! " sighed the agent, "very true : This property won't do for you. " All these about the house you'll find " — "Well," said the parson, "never mind; I'll manage to submit to these Luxurious superfluities. " A clergyman who does not shirk The various calls of Christian work, Will have no leisure to employ These ' common forms ' of worldly joy. " To preach three times on Sabbath days- To wean the lost from wicked ways — The sick to soothe — the sane to wed — The poor to feed with meat and bread-^ " These are the various wholesome ways In which I'll spend my nights and days : My zeal will have no time to cool At croquet, archery, or pool." The agent said, " From what I hear, This living will not suit, I fear — There are no poor, no sick at all ; For services there is no call." 358 The Reverend Simon Magus The reverend gent looked grave. " Dear me ! Then there is no ' society ' ? — I mean, of course, no sinners there Whose souls will be my special care ? " The cunning agent shook his head, " No, none — except " — (the agent said) — " The Duke of A., the Earl of B., The Marquis C, and Viscount D. " But you will not be quite alone, For, though they've chaplains of their own, Of course this noble well-bred clan Receive the parish clergyman." " Oh, silence, sir ! " said Simon M., " Dukes — earls ! What should I care for them ? These worldly ranks I scorn and flout ! " "Of course," the agent said, "no doubt." "Yet I might show these men of birth The hollowness of rank on earth." The agent answered, " Very true — But I should not, if I were you." 359 The Reverend Simon Magus "Who sells this rich advowson, pray? " The agent winked — it was his way — " His name is Hart ; 'twixt me and you, He is, I'm griev'd to say, a Jew ! " " A Jew ? " said Simon, " happy find ! I purchase this advowson, mind. My Hfe shall be devoted to Converting that unhappy Jew ! " 360 HE AND SHE He. She. Both, I KNOW a youth who loves a Httle maid — (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !) Silent is he, for he's modest and afraid — (Hey, but he's timid as a youth can be !) I know a maid who loves a gallant youth — (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !) She cannot tell him all the sad, sad truth — (Hey, but I think that Httle maid will die !) Now tell me pray, and tell me true, What in the world should the poor soul do ? He. He cannot eat and he cannot sleep — (Hey, but his face is a sight for to see !) Daily he goes for to wail — for to weep — (Hey, but he's wretched as a youth can be !) 361 He and She She. She's very thin and she's very pale — (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !) Daily she goes for to weep — for to wail — (Hey, but I think that little maid will die !) Both. Now tell me pray, and tell me true, What in the world should the poor soul do ? She. If I were the youth I should offer her my name — (Hey, but her face is a sight for to see !) He. If I were the maid I should fan his honest flame — (Hey, but he's bashful as a youth can be !) She. If I were the youth I should speak to her to-day — (Hey, but she sickens as the days go by !) He. If I were the maid I should meet the lad half way — (For I really do believe that timid youth will die !) Both. I thank you much for your counsel true ; I've learnt what that poor soul ought to do ! 362 DAMON V. PYTHIAS Two better friends you wouldn't pass Throughout a summer's day, Than Damon and his Pythias, — Two merchant princes they. At school together they contrived All sorts of boyish larks ; And, later on, together thrived As merry merchants' clerks. And then, when many years had flown, They rose together till They bought a business of their own — And they conduct it still. They loved each other all their lives, Dissent they never knew. And, stranger still, their very wives Were rather friendly too. 363 Damon v. Pythias Perhaps you think, to serve my ends, These statements I refute, When I admit that these dear friends Were parties to a suit ? But 'twas a friendly action, for Good Pythias, as you see, Fought merely as executor. And Damon as trustee. They laughed to think, as through tne throng Of suitors sad they passed, That they, who'd lived and loved so long. Should go to law at last The junior briefs they kindly let Two sucking counsel hold ; These learned persons never yet Had fingered suitors' gold. But though the happy suitors two Were friendly as could be, 364 Damon v. Pythias Not so the junior counsel who Were earning maiden fee. They too, till then, were friends. At school They'd done each other's sums. And under Oxford's gentle rule Had been the closest chums. But now they met with scowl and grin In every public place, And often snapped their fingers in Each other's learned face. It almost ended in a fight When they on path or stair Met face to face. They made it quite A personal affair. And when at length the case was called (It came on rather late), Spectators really were appalled To see their deadly hate. One junior rose — with eyeballs tense, And swollen frontal veins : To all his powers of eloquence He gave the fullest reins. His argument was novel — for A verdict he relied On blackening the junior Upon the other side. " Oh,'' said the Judge, in robe and fur, " The matter in dispute To arbitration pray refer — This is a friendly suit." 365 Damon v. Pythias And Pythias, in merry mood, Digged Damon in the side ; And Damon, tickled with the feud, With other digs replied. But oh ! those deadly counsel twain, Who were such friends before, Were never reconciled again — They quarrelled more and more. At length it happened that they met On Alpine heights one day. And thus they paid each one his debt, Their fury had its way — They seized each other in a trice, With scorn and hatred filled, And, falling from a precipice. They, both of them, were killed. 366 THE MIGHTY MUST Come mighty Must ! Inevitable Shall ! In thee I trust. Time weaves my coronal ! Go mocking Is ! Go disappointing Was ! That I am this Ye are the cursed cause ! Yet humble Second shall be First, I ween ; And dead and buried be the curst Has Been ! Oh weak Might Be ! Oh May, Might, Could, Would, Should ! How powerless ye For evil or for good ! In every sense Your moods I cheerless call, Whate'er your tense Ye are Imperfect, all ! Ye have deceived the trust I've shown In ye ! Away 1 The Mighty Must alone Shall be ! 367 MY DREAM The other night, from cares exempt, I slept — and what d'you think I dreamt? I dreamt that somehow I had come To dwell in Topsy-Turveydom ! — Where vice is virtue — virtue, vice : Where nice is nasty — nasty, nice : Where right is wrong and wrong is right — Where white is black and black is white. Where babies, much to their surprise, Are born astonishingly wise ; With every Science on their lips. And Art at all their finger-tips. 368 My Dream For, as their nurses dandle them, They crow binomial theorem, With views (it seems absurd to us) On differential calculus. But though a babe, as I have said, Is born with learning in his head, He must forget it, if he can, Before he calls himself a man. For that which we call folly here. Is wisdom in that favoured sphere ; The wisdom we so highly prize Is blatant folly in their eyes. A boy, if he would push his way, Must learn some nonsense every day j And cut, to carry out this view. His wisdom teeth and wisdom too. Historians burn their midnight oils, Intent on giant-killers' toils ; And sages close their aged eyes To other sages' lullabies. Our magistrates, in duty bound, Commit all robbers who are found ; But there the beaks (so people said) Commit all robberies instead. Our judges, pure and wise in tone, Know crime from theory alone. And glean the motives of a thief From books and popular belief. 369 2 B My Dream But there, a judge who wants to prime His mind with true ideas of crime, Derives them from the common sense Of practical experience. Policemen march all folks away Who practise virtue every day — Of course, I mean to say, you know- What we call virtue here below. For only scoundrels dare to do What we consider just and true. And only good men do, in fact, What we should think a dirty act. But strangest of these social twirls. The girls are boys — the boys are girls ! The men are women, too — but then Per contra, women all are men. 370 My Dream To one who to tradition clings This seems an awkward state of things, But if to think it out you try, It doesn't really signify. -b^ With them, as surely as can be, A sailor should be sick at sea, And not a passenger may sail Who cannot smoke right through a gale. A soldier (save by rarest luck) Is always shot for showing pluck — That is, if others can be found With pluck enough to fire a round. " How strange," I said to one I saw- " You quite upset our every law. However can you get along So systematically wrong ? " 371 My Dream "Dear me," my mad informant said, " Have you no eyes within your head ? You sneer when you your hat should doff: Why, we begin where you leave off! " Your wisest men are very far Less learned than our babies are ! " I mused awhile — and then, oh me ! I framed this brilliant repartee : " Although your babes are wiser far Than our most valued sages are. Your sages, with their toys and cots, Are duller than our idiots ! " 372 My Dream But this remark, I grieve to state, Came just a little bit too late ; For as I framed it in my head, I woke and found myself in bed. Still I could wish that, 'stead of here, My lot were in that favoured sphere !- Where greatest fools bear off the bell I ought to do extremely well. 373 A MIRAGE Were I thy bride, Then the whole world beside Were not too wide To hold my wealth of love — ■ Were I thy bride ! Upon thy breast My loving head would rest, As on her nest The tender turtle-dove — Were I thy bride ! This heart of mine Would be one heart with thine, And in that shrine Our happiness would dwell— Were I thy bride ! 374 A Mirage And all day long Our lives should be a song : No grief, no wrong Should make my heart rebel- Were I thy bride ! The silvery flute, The melancholy lute, Were night-owl's hoot To my low-whispered coo- Were I thy bride ! The skylark's trill Were but discordance shrill To the soft thrill Of wooing as I'd woo — Were I thy bride ! The rose's sigh Were as a carrion's cry To lullaby Such as I'd sing to thee — Were I thy bride ! A feather's press Were leaden heaviness To my caress. But then, unhappily, I'm not thy bride ! ■375 THE BISHOP OF RUM-TI-FOO AGAIN I OFTEN wonder whether you Think sometimes of that Bishop, who From black but balmy Rum-ti-foo Last summer twelvemonth came. Unto your mind I p'raps may bring Remembrance of the man I sing To-day, by simply mentioning That Peter was his name. Remember how that holy man Came with the great Colonial clan To Synod, called Pan-Anglican ; And kindly recollect 376 The Bishop of Rum-ti-foo Again How, having crossed the ocean wide, To please his flock all means he tried Consistent with a proper pride And manly self-respect. He only, of the reverend pack Who minister to Christians black, Brought any useful knowledge back To his Colonial fold. In consequence a place I claim For " Peter " on the scroll of Fame (For Peter was that Bishop's name, As I've already told). He carried Art, he often said, To places where that timid maid (Save by Colonial Bishops' aid) Could never hope to roam. The Payne-cum-Lauri feat he taught As he had learnt it ; for he thought The choicest fruits of Progress ought To bless the Negro's home. And he had other work to do. For, while he tossed upon the blue, The islanders of Rum-ti-foo Forgot their kindly friend. Their decent clothes they learnt to tear — They learnt to say, " I do not care," Though they, of course, were well aware How folks, who say so, end. Some sailors whom he did not know, Had landed there not long ago. And taught them " Bother ! " also " Blow ! " (Of wickedness the germs.) 377 The Bishop of Rum-ti-foo Again No need to use a casuist's pen To prove that they were merchantmen ; No sailor of the Royal N. Would use such awful terms. And so, when Bishop Peter came (That was the kindly Bishop's name), He heard these dreadful oaths with shame, And chid their want of dress. (Except a shell — a bangle rare- — A feather here — a feather there — The South Pacific negroes wear Their native nothingness.) He taught them that a Bishop loathes To listen to unseemly oaths, He gave them all his left-off clothes — They bent them to his will. 378 The Bishop of Rum-ti-foo Again The Bishop's gift spreads quickly round ; In Peter's left-off clothes they bound (His three-and-twenty suits they found In fair condition still). The Bishop's eyes with water fill, Quite overjoyed to find them still Obedient to his sovereign will, And said, " Good Rum-ti-foo ! Half-way to meet you I'll prepare : I'll dress myself in cowries rare, And fasten feathers in my hair, And dance the ' Cutch-chi-boo ' ! " And to conciliate his see He married Piccadillillee, The youngest of his twenty-three, Tall — neither fat nor thin. (And though the dress he made her don Looks awkwardly a girl upon, It was a great improvement on The one he found her in.) 379 The Bishop of Rum-ti-foo Again The Bishop in his gay canoe (His wife, of course, went with him too), To some adjacent island flew, To spend his honeymoon. Some day in sunny Rum-ti-foo A little Peter 'U be on view ; And that (if people tell me true) Is like to happen soon. 380 THE GHOSTS' HIGH NOON When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in the moonlight flies, And inky clouds, like funeral shrouds, sail over the midnight skies — • When the footpads quail at the night-bird's wail, and black dogs bay the moon, Then is the spectres' holiday — then is the ghosts' high noon ! As the sob of the breeze sweeps over the trees, and the mists lie low on the fen, From grey tombstones are gathered the bones that once were women and men, And away they go, with a mop and a mow, to the revel that ends too soon, For cockcrow limits our holiday — the dead of the night's high noon ! 381 The Ghosts' High Noon And then each ghost with his ladye-toast to their churchyard beds take flight, With a kiss, perhaps, on her lantern chaps, and a grisly grim " good night " ; Till the welcome knell of the midnight bell rings forth its jolliest tune. And ushers our next high holiday — the dead of the night's high noon ! 382 A WORM WILL TURN I LOVE a man who'll smile and joke When with misfortune crowned ; Who'll pun beneath a pauper's yoke, And as he breaks his daily toke, Conundrums gay propound. Just such a man was Bernard Jupp, He scoffed at Fortune's frown ; He gaily drained his bitter cup — ■ Though Fortune often threw him up, It never cast him down. Though years their share of sorrow bring, We know that far above All other griefs, are griefs that spring From, some misfortune happening To those we really love. 383 A Worm will Turn E'en sorrow for another's woe Our Bernard failed to quell; Though by this special form of blow No person ever suffered so, Or bore his grief so well. His father, wealthy and well clad, And owning house and park, Lost every halfpenny he had, And then became (extremely sad !) A poor attorney's clerk. All sons it surely would appal. Except the passing meek. To see a father lose his all, And from an independence fall To one pound ten a week ! But Jupp shook off this sorrow's weight, And, like a Christian son, Proved Poverty a happy fate — Proved Wealth to be a devil's bait. To lure poor sinners on. With other sorrows Bernard coped. For sorrows came in packs ; His cousins with their housemaids sloped- His uncles forged — his aunts eloped — His sisters married blacks. 384 A Worm, will Turn f«<3i. But Bejinard, far from murmuring (Exemplar, friends, to us), Determined to his faith to cling, — He made the best of everything. And argued softly thus : '"Twere harsh my uncles' forging knack Too rudely to condemn — My aunts, repentant, may come back, And blacks are nothing like as black As people colour them ! " Still Fate, with many a sorrow rife. Maintained relentless fight : His grandmamma next lost her life, Then died the mother of his wife, But still he seemed all right. 385 2 c A Worm will Turn His brother fond (the only link To life that bound him now) One morning, overcome by drink, He broke his leg (the right, I think) In some disgraceful row. But did my Bernard swear and curse ? Oh no — to murmur loth, He only said, " Go, get a nurse : Be thankful that it isn't worse ; You might have broken both ! " But worms who watch without concern The cockchafer on thorns. Or beetles smashed, themselves will turn If, walking through the slippery fern. You tread upon their corns. One night as Bernard made his track Through Brompton home to bed, A footpad, with a vizor black, Took watch and purse, and dealt a crack On Bernard's saint-like head. It was too much — his spirit rose, He looked extremely cross. Men thought him steeled to mortal foes, But no — he bowed to countless blows, But kicked against this loss. •^86 A Worm will Turn He finally made up his mind Upon his friends to call ; Subscription lists were largely signed. For men were really glad to find Him mortal, after all ! 387 THE HUMANE MIKADO A MORE humane Mikado never Did in Japan exist ; To nobody second, I'm certainly reckoned A true philanthropist. It is my very humane endeavour To make, to some extent, Each evil liver A running river Of harmless merriment. My object all sublime I shall achieve in time — To let the punishment fit the crime- The punishment fit the crime ; 388 The Humane Mikado And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment — Of innocent merriment ! All prosy dull society sinners, Who chatter and bleat and bore, Are sent to hear sermons From mystical Germans Who preach from ten to four : The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies All desire to shirk, Shall, during off-hours, Exhibit his powers To Madame Tussaud's waxwork : The lady who dyes a chemical yellow. Or stains her grey hair puce, Or pinches her figger. Is blacked like a nigger With permanent walnut juice : The idiot who, in railway carriages, Scribbles on window panes, We only suffer To ride on a buffer In Parliamentary trains. My object all sublime I shall achieve in lime — To let the punishment fit the crime — The punishment fit the crime; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment — Of innocent merriment ! 389 The Humane Mikado The advertising quack who wearies With tales of countless cures, His teeth, I've enacted. Shall all be extracted By terrified amateurs : The music-hall singer attends a series Of masses and fugues and " ops " By Bach, interwoven With Spohr and Beethoven, At classical Monday Pops : The billiard sharp whom any one catches His doom's extremely hard — He's made to dwell In a dungeon cell On a spot that's always barred ; And there he plays extravagant matches In fitless finger-stalls, On a cloth untrue With a twisted cue. And elliptical billiard balls 1 My object all sublime I shall achieve in time — To let the punishment fit the crime — The punishment fit the crime ; And make each prisoner pent Unwillingly represent A source of innocent merriment, Of innocent merriment ! 39° :17^ THE HAUGHTY ACTOR An actor — Gibbs, of Drury Lane- — Of very decent station, Once happened in a part to gain Excessive approbation ; It sometimes turns a fellow's brain And makes him singularly vain When he believes that he receives Tremendous approbation. His great success half drove him mad, But no one seemed to mind him ; Well, in another piece he had Another part assigned him. 391 The Haughty Actor This part was smaller, by a bit, Than that in which he made a hit. So, much ill-used, he straight refused To play the part assigned him. f i^ if- -ii- i^ That night that actor slept, and Til attempt To tell you of the vivid dream he dreamt : THE DREAM In fighting with a robber band (A thing he loved sincerely) A sword struck Gibbs upon the hand And wounded it severely. At first he didn't heed it much. He thought it was a simple touch, But soon he found the weapon's bound Had wounded him severely. To Surgeon Cobb he made a trip. Who'd just effected featly An amputation at the hip Particularly neatly. A rising man was Surgeon Cobb, But this extremely ticklish job He had achieved (as he believed) Particularly neatly. The actor rang the surgeon's bell. " Observe my wounded finger ; Be good enough to strap it well, And prithee do not linger. That I, dear sir, may fill again The Theatre Royal, Drury Lane; This very night I have to fight — • So prithee do not linger." 392 The Haughty Actor " I don't strap fingers up for doles," Replied the haughty surgeon ; " To use your cant, I don't play roles ' Utility ' that verge on. ' First amputation ' — nothing less — That is my line of business : We surgeon nobs despise all jobs Utility that verge on. " When in your hip there lurks disease " (So dreamt this lively dreamer), " Or devastating caries In humerus Q'^ femur, If you can pay a handsome fee, Oh, then you may remember me, With joy elate I'll amputate Your humerus ox femur." The disconcerted actor ceased The haughty leech to pester. But when the wound in size increased, And then began to fester. He sought a learned Counsel's lair. And told that Counsel, then and there, How Cobb's neglect of his defect Had made his finger fester. " Oh, bring my action, if you please, The case I pray you urge on, And win me thumping damages From Cobb, that haughty surgeon. He culpably neglected me Although I proffered him his fee. So pray come down, in wig and gown. On Cobb, that haughty surgeon ! " 393 The Haughty Actor That Counsel, learned in the laws, With passion almost trembled. He just had gained a mighty cause Before the Peers assembled ! Said he, " How dare you have the face To come with Common Jury case To one who wings rhetoric flings Before the Peers assembled ? " Dispirited became our friend — Depressed his moral pecker — " But stay ! a thought ! I'll gain my end, And save my poor exchequer. I won't be placed upon the shelf, I'll take it into Court myself, And legal lore display before The Court of the Exchequer." 394 The Haughty Actor He found a Baron — one of those Who with our laws supply us — In wig and silken gown and hose, As if at Nisi Priits. But he'd just given, off the reel, A famous judgment on Appeal : It scarce became his heightened fame To sit at Nisi Prius. Our friend began, with easy wit, That half concealed his terror : " Pooh ! " said the Judge, " I only sit In Banco or in Error. Can you suppose, my man, that I'd O'er Nisi Prius Courts preside, Or condescend my time to spend On anything but Error ? " 395 The* Haughty Actor "Too bad," said Gibbs, "my case to shirk ! You must be bad innately, To save your skill for mighty work Because it's valued greatly ! " But here he woke, with sudden start. He wrote to say he'd play the part. I've but to tell he played it well — The author's words — his native wit Combined, achieved a perfect " hit ' The papers praised him greatly. 396 WILLOW WALY! He. Prithee, pretty maiden — prithee, tell me true (Hey, but I'm doleful, willow, willow waly !) Have you e'er a lover a-dangling after you ? Hey, willow waly O ! I would fain discover If you have a lover ? Hey, willow waly O 1 She. Gentle sir, my heart is frolicsome and free — (Hey, but he's doleful, willow, willow waly !) Nobody I care for comes a-courting me — Hey, willow waly O ! Nobody I care for Comes a-courting — therefore, Hey^ willow waly O ! 397 Willow Waly He, Prithee, pretty maiden, will you marry me ? (Hqy, but I'm hopeful, willow, willow waly !) I may say, at once, I'm a man of propertee: — Hey, willow waly O ! Money, I despise it, But many people prize it. Hey, willow waly O ! She. Gentle sir, although to marry I design — ■ (Hey, but he's hopeful, willow, willow waly !) As yet I do not know you, and so I must decline. Hey, willow waly O ! To other maidens go you — As yet I do not know you, Hey, willow waly O ! 398 THE TWO MAJORS An excellent soldier who's worthy the name, Loves officers dashing and strict : When good, he's content with escaping all blame. When naughty, he likes to be licked. He likes for a fault to be bullied and stormed. Or imprisoned for several days ; And hates, for a duty correctly performed. To be slavered with sickening praise. No officer sickened with praises his corps So little as Major La Guerre — No officers swore at his warriors more Than Major Makredi Prepere. Their soldiers adored them, and every grade Delighted to hear them abuse ; Though whenever these officers came on parade, They shivered and shook in their shoes. 399 The Two Majors " No doubt we deserve it — no mercy we crave — Go on — you're conferring a boon ; We would rather be slanged by a warrior brave Than praised by a wretched poltroon ! " Makredi would say that in battle's fierce rage True happiness only was met : Poor Major Makredi, though fifty his age, Had never known happiness yet ! La Guerre would declare, "With the blood of a foe No tipple is worthy to clink." Poor fellow ! he hadn't, though sixty or so. Yet tasted his favourite drink ! They agreed at their mess — they agreed in the glass- They agreed in the choice of their "set," And they also agreed in adoring, alas ! The Vivandibre, pretty Fillette. Agreemerit, we know, may be carried too far, And after agreeing all round For years — in this soldierly " maid of the bar," A bone of contention they found. "On the day that you marry her," muttered Prepere (With a pistol he quietly played), ' I'll scatter the brains in your noddle, I swear, All over the stony parade ! " ' I cannot do that to you," answered La Guerre, " Whatever events may befall ; But this I can do — if you wed her, mon chert I'll eat you, moustachios and all ! 400 The Two Majors The rivals, although they would never engage, Yet quarrelled whenever they met ; They met in a fury and left in a rage. But neither took pretty Fillette. "I am not afraid," thought Makredi Prepere : " For my country I'm ready to fall ; But nobody wants, for a mere Vivandibre, To be eaten, moustachios and all ! " Besides, though La Guerre has his faults, I'll allow He's one of the bravest of men : My goodness ! if I disagree with him now, I might disagree with him then ! " "No coward am I," said La Guerre, "as you guess — I sneer at an enemy's blade ; But I don't want Prepere to get into a mess For splashing the stony parade 1 " 401 2 D The Two Majors One day on parade to Prepere and La Guerre Came Corporal Jacot Debette, And, trembling all over, he prayed of them there To give him the pretty Fillette. "You see, I am willing to marry my bride Until you've arranged this affair ; I will blow out my brains when your honours decide Which marries the sweet Vivandiere ! " " Well, take her," said both of them in a duet (A favourite form of reply), " But when I am ready to marry Fillette, Remember you've promised to die ! " He married her then : from the flowery plains Of existence the roses they cull : He lived and he died with his wife ; and his brains Are reposing in peace in his skull. 402 LIFE IS LOVELY ALL THE YEAR When the buds are blossoming, Smiling welcome to the spring, Lovers choose a wedding day — - Life is love in merry May ! Spring is green — Fal lal la ! Summer's rose — Fal lal la ! It is sad when Summer goes, Fal la ! Autumn's gold — Fal lal la ! Winter's grey — Fal lal la ! Winter still is far away — Fal la ! Leaves in Autumn fade and fall; Winter is the end of all. Spring and summer teem with glee s Spring and summer, then, for me ! Fal la ! 403 Life is Lovely all the Year In the Spring-time seed is sown : In the Summer grass is mown : In the Autumn you may reap : Winter is the time for sleep. Spring is hope — Fal lal la I Summer's joy — Fal lal la i Spring and Summer never cloy Fal la ! Autumn, toil — Fal lal la ! Winter, rest — Fal lal la ! Winter, after all, is best — Fal la ! Spring and summer pleasure you, Autumn, ay, and winter, too — Every season has its cheer ; Life is lovely all the year ! Fal la ! 404 ■^e EMILY, JOHN, JAMES, AND I A DERBY LEGEND Emily Jane was a nursery maid — James was a bold Life Guard, And John was a constable, poorly paid (And I am a doggerel bard). A very good girl was Emily Jane, Jimmy was good and true. And John was a very good man in the main (And I am a good man, too). 405 Emily, John, James, and I Rivals for Emmie were Johnny and James, Though Emily liked them both ; She couldn't tell which had the strongest claims (And /couldn't take my oath). But sooner or later you're certain to find Your sentiments can't lie hid — • Jane thought it was time that she made up her mind (And I think it was time she did). Said Jane, with a smirk, and a blush on her face, " I'll promise to wed the boy Who takes me to-morrow to Epsom Race ! " (Which /would have done, with joy.) From Johnny escaped an expression of pain, But Jimmy said, " Done with you ! I'll take you with pleasure, my Emily Jane" (And I would have said so too). 406 Emily, John, James, and I John lay on the ground, and he roared like mad (For Johnny was sore perplexed), And he kicked very hard at a very small lad (Which /often do, when vexed). ■3^ For John was on duty next day with the Force, To punish all Epsom crimes ; Some people will cross, when they're clearing the course (I do it myself, sometimes). The Derby Day sun glittered gaily on cads, On maidens with gamboge hair. On sharpers and pickpockets, swindlers and pads (For I, with ray harp, was there). And Jimmy went down with his Jane that day, And John by the collar or nape Seized everybody who came in his way (And /had a narrow escape). 407 Emily, John, James, and I He noticed his Emily Jane with Jim, And envied the well-made elf; And people remarked that he muttered " Oh, dim ! " (I often say " dim ! " myself.) John dogged them all day, without asking their leaves ; For his sergeant he told, aside, That Jimmy and Jane were notorious thieves (And I think he was justified). But James wouldn't dream of abstracting a fork, And Jenny would blush with shame At stealing so much as a bottle or cork (A bottle I think fair game). $. But, ah ! there's another more serious crime ! They wickedly strayed upon The course, at a critical moment of time (I pointed them out to John). 408 Emily, John, James, and I The crusher came down on the pair in a crack — And then, with a demon smile, Let Jenny cross over, but sent Jimmy back (I played on my harp the while). Stern Johnny their agony loud derides With a very triumphant sneer — ■ They weep and they wail from the opposite sides (And 1 shed a silent tear). And Jenny is crying away like mad, And Jimmy is swearing hard ; And Johnny is looking uncommonly glad (And I am a doggerel bard). But Jimmy he ventured on crossing again The scenes of our Isthmian Games — John caught him, and collared him, giving him pain (I felt very much for James). 409 Emily, John, James, and I John led him away with a victor's hand, And Jimmy was shortly seen In the station-house under the grand Grand Stand (As many a time I've been). And Jimmy, bad boy, was imprisoned for life. Though Emily pleaded hard ; And Johnny had Emily Jane to wife (And I am a doggerel bard). 410 THE USHER'S CHARGE Now, Jurymen, hear my advice — All kinds of vulgar prejudice I pray you set aside : With stern judicial frame of mind- From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried ! Oh, listen to the plaintiffs case : Observe the features of her face — The broken-hearted bride !, Condole with her distress of mind— From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried ! 411 The Usher's Charge And when amid the plaintifPs shrieks. The rufifianly defendant speaks — Upon the other side ; What he may say you need not mind— From bias free of every kind, This trial must be tried I 41 2 THE PERILS OF INVISIBILITY Old Peter led a wretched life — Old Peter had a furious wife j Old Peter, too, was truly stout, He measured several yards about. The little fairy Picklekin One summer afternoon, looked in, And said, " Old Peter, how-de-do ? Can I do anything for you ? " I have three gifts — the first will give Unbounded riches while you live ; The second, health where'er you be: The third, invisibility." 413 The Perils of Invisibility "O, little fairy Picklekin," Old Peter answered, with a grin, "To hesitate would be absurd, — Undoubtedly I choose the third." '"Tis yours," the fairy said ; "be quite Invisible to mortal sight Whene'er you please. Remember me Most kindly, pray, to Mrs. P." Old Mrs. Peter overheard Wee Picklekin's concluding word, And, jealous of her girlhood's choice. Said, " That was some young woman's voice ! " Old Peter let her scold and swear — Old Peter, bless him, didn't care. " My dear, your rage is wasted quite — Observe, I disappear from sight ! " A well-bred fairy (so I've heard) Is always faithful to her word : Old Peter vanished like a shot. But then — his suit of clothes did not. For when conferred the fairy slim Invisibility on him. She popped away on fairy wings. Without referring to his " things." So there remained a coat of blue, A vest and double eyeglass too, His tail, his shoes, his socks as well. His pair of — no, I must not tell. 414 The Perils of Invisibility Old Mrs. Peter soon began To see the failure of his plan, And then resolved (I quote the bard) To " hoist him with his own petard.'' Old Peter woke next day and dressed. Put on his coat and shoes and vest, His shirt and stock — but could not find His only pair of- — never mind ! Old Peter was a decent man, And though he twigged his lady's plan. Yet, hearing her approaching, he Resumed invisibility. "Dear Mrs. P., my only joy," Exclaimed the horrified old boy; " Now give them up, I beg of you— You know what I'm referring to 1 " 415 The Perils of Invisibility But no ; the cross old lady swore She'd keep his — what I said before— To make him publicly absurd ; And Mrs. Peter kept her word. The poor old fellow had no rest ; His coat, his stock, his shoes, his vest Were all that now met mortal eye — The rest, invisibility ! " Now, madam, give them up, I beg — I've bad rheumatics in my leg ; Besides, until you do, it's plain I cannot come to sight again ! " For though some mirth it might afford To see my clothes without their lord. Yet there would rise indignant oaths If he were seen without his clothes ! " But no ; resolved to have her quiz, The lady held her own — and his — And Peter left his humble cot To find a pair of — you know what But — here's the worst of this affair — Whene'er he came across a pair Already placed for him to don, He was too stout to get them on ! So he resolved at once to train. And walked and walked with all his main ; For years he paced this mortal earth, To bring himself to decent girth. 416 The Perils of Invisibility At night, when all around is still, You'll find him pounding up a hill ; And shrieking peasants whom he meets, Fall down in terror on the peats ! Old Peter walks through wind and rain, Resolved to train, and train, and train, Until he weighs twelve stone or so — And when he does, I'll let you know. 417 2 E \,:-,^t>^^ .^ y'v. THE" GREAT OAK TREE There grew a little flower 'Neath a great oak tree : When the tempest 'gan to lower Little heeded she : No need had she to cower, For she dreaded not its power — She was happy in the bower Of her great oak tree ! Sing hey, Lackaday ! Let the tears fall free For the pretty little flower and the great oak tree ! When she found that he was fickle. Was that great oak tree, She was in a pretty pickle, As she well might be — A1& The Great Oak. 'Iree But his gallantries were mickle, For Death followed with his sickle, And her tears began to trickle For her great oak tree ! Sing hey, Lackaday ! Let the tears fall free For the pretty little flower and the great oak tree ! Said she, " He loved me never. Did that great oak tree, But I'm neither rich nor clever. And so why should he ? But though fate our fortunes sever, To be constant I'll endeavour. Ay, for ever and for ever. To my great oak tree ! " Sing hey, Lackaday ! Let the tears fall free For the pretty little flower and the great oak tree ! 4iq OLD PAUL AND OLD TIM When rival adorers come courting a maid, There's something or other may often be said, Why he should be pitched upon rather than him. This wasn't the case with Old Paul and Old Tim. No soul could discover a reason at all For marrying Timothy rather than Paul ; Though all could have offered good reasons, on oath, Against marrying either — or marrying both. They were equally wealthy and equally old, They were equally timid and equally bold ; They were equally tall as they stood in their shoes — Between them, in fact, there was nothing to choose. Had I been young Emily, I should have said, "You're both much too old for a pretty young maid, Threescore at the least you are verging upon "' ; But I wasn't young Emily. Let us get on. 420 Old Paul and Old Tim No coward's blood ran in young Emily's veins, Her martial old father loved bloody campaigns ; At the rumours of battles all over the globe He pricked up his ears like the war-horse in "Job." He chuckled to hear of a sudden surprise — Of soldiers, compelled, through an enemy's spies, Without any knapsacks or shakos to flee — For an eminent army-contractor was he. So when her two lovers, whose patience was tried. Implored her between them at once to decide. She told them she'd marry whichever might bring Good proofs of his doing the pluckiest thing. They both went away with a qualified joy : That coward. Old Paul, chose a very small boy. And when no one was looking, in spite of his fears, He set to work boxing that little boy's ears. The little boy struggled and tugged at his hair. But the lion was roused, and Old Paul didn't care ; He smacked him, and whacked him, and boxed him, and kicked Till the poor little beggar was royally licked. 421 Old Paul and Old Tim Old Tim knew a trick worth a dozen of that, So he called for his stick and he called for his hat. " I'll cover myself with cheap glory — I'll go And wallop the Frenchmen who live in Soho ! " The German invader is ravaging France With infantry rifle and cavalry lance, And beautiful Paris is fighting her best To shake herself free from her terrible guest. " The Frenchmen in London, in craven alarms, Have all run away from the summons to arms ; They haven't the pluck of a pigeon — I'll go And wallop the Frenchmen who skulk in Soho ! " Old Timothy tried it and found it succeed : That day he caused many French noses to bleed ; Through foggy Soho he spread fear and dismay, And Frenchmen all round him in agony lay. He took care to abstain from employing his fist On the old and the crippled, for they might resist ; A crippled old man may have pluck in his breast, But the young and the strong ones are cowards confest 422 Old Paul and Old Tim Old Tim and Old Paul, with the list of their foes, Prostrated themselves at their Emily's toes : " Oh, which of us two is the pluckier blade ? " And Emily answered and Emily said : " Old Tim has thrashed runaway Frenchmen in scores, Who ought to be guarding their cities and shores ; Old Paul has made little chaps' noses to bleed — Old Paul has accomplished the pluckier deed ! " 423 KING GOODHEART There lived a King, as I've been told In the wonder-working days of old, When hearts were twice as good as gold. And twenty times as mellow. Good temper triumphed in his face, And in his heart he found a place For all the erring human race And every wretched fellow. When he had Rhenish wine to drink It made him very sad to think That some, at junket or at jink. Must be content with toddy : He wished all men as rich as he (And he was rich as rich could be), So to the top of every tree Promoted everybody. 424 King Goodheart Ambassadors cropped up like hay, Prime Ministers and such as they Grew like asparagus in May, And Dukes were three a penny : Lord Chancellors were cheap as sprats. And Bishops in their shovel hats Were plentiful as tabby cats — If possible, too many. On every side Field-Marshals gleamed, Small beer were Lords-Lieutenants deemed. With Admirals the ocean teemed, All round his wide dominions ; And Party Leaders you might meet In twos and threes in every street Maintaining, with no little heat, Their various opinions. That King, although no one denies. His heart was of abnormal size. Yet he'd have acted otherwise If he had been acuter. The end is easily foretold. When every blessed thing you hold Is made of silver, or of gold. You long for simple pewter. When you have nothing else to wear But cloth of gold and satins rare, For cloth of gold you cease to care — Up goes the price of shoddy : In short, whoever you may be, To this conclusion you'll agree. When every one is somebody, Then no one's anybody ! 425 THE MYSTIC SELVAGEE Perhaps already you may know Sir Blennerhasset Portico ? A Captain in the Navy, he — A Baronet and K.C.B. You do ? I thought so .' It was that captain's favourite whim (A notion not confined to him) That Rodney was the greatest tar Who ever wielded capstan-bar. He had been taught so. " Benbow ? CoRNWALLis ? Hood ? — Belay ! Compared with Rodney "■ — he would say — ■ " No other tar is worth a rap ; The great Lord Rodney was the chap The French to polish ! 426 The Mystic Selvagee "Though, mhid you, I respect Lord Hood; CoRNWALLis, too, was rather good ; Benbow could enemies repel ; Lord Nelson, too, was pretty well — That is, tol-lol-ish ! " Sir Blennerhasset spent his days In learning Rodney's little ways, And closely imitated, too. His mode of talking to his crew — His port and paces, An ancient tar he tried to catch Who'd served in Rodney's famous batch ; But since his time long years have fled, And Rodney's tars are mostly dead : Eheu fugaces I But after searching near and far. At last he found an ancient tar Who served with Rodney and his crew Against the French in 'eighty-two (That gained the peerage). He gave him fifty pounds a year. His rum, his baccy, and his beer; And had a comfortable den Rigged up in what, by merchantmen. Is called the steerage. " Now, Jasper " — 'twas that sailor's name— " Don't fear that you'll incur my blame By saying, when it seems to you, That there is anything I do That Rodney wouldn't." 427 The Mystic Selvagee The ancient sailor turned his quid, Prepared to do as he was bid : " Ay, ay, yer honour ; to begin, You've done away with ' swifting in ' — Well, sir, you shouldn't ! " Upon your spars I see you've clapped Peak-halliard blocks, all iron-capped ; I would not christen that a crime. But 'twas not done in Rodney's time. It looks half-witted ! Upon your maintop-stay, I see, You always clap a selvagee ; Your stays, I see, are equalised — No vessel, such as Rodney prized. Would thus be fitted. " And Rodney, honoured sir, would grin To see you turning deadeyes in, Not up, as in the ancient way, But downwards, like a cutter's stay — You didn't oughter 1 Besides, in seizing shrouds on board. Breast backstays you have quite ignored ; Great Rodney kept unto the last Breast backstays on topgallant mast — They make it tauter." Sir Blennerhasset " swifted in," Turned deadeyes up, and lent a fin- To strip (as told by Jasper Knox) The iron capping from his blocks. Where there was any. 428 The Mystic Selvagee Sir Blennerhasset does away With selvagees from maintop-stay ; And though it makes his sailors stare, He rigs breast backstays everywhere — In fact, too many. One morning, when the saucy craft Lay calmed, old Jasper toddled aft. " My mind misgives me, sir, that we Were wrong about that selvagee — I should restore it." "Good," said the captain, and that day Restored it to the maintop-stay. Well-practised sailors often make A much more serious mistake. And then ignore it. 429 The Mystic Selvagee Next day old Jasper came once more ; "I think, sir, I was right before." Well, up the mast the sailors skipped, The selvagee was soon unshipped. And all were merry. Again a day, and Jasper came : " I p'raps deserve your honour's blame, I can't make up my mind," said he, " About that cursed selvagee — It's foolish — very. "On Monday night I could have sworn That maintop-stay it should adorn, On Tuesday morning I could swear That selvagee should not be there. The knot's a rasper ! " "Oh, you be hanged ! " said Captain P., " Here, go ashore at Caribbee. Get out — good-bye — shove off — all right ! " Old Jasper soon was out of sight — Farewell, old Jasper ! 4.3° SLEEP ON! Fear no unlicensed entry, Heed no bombastic talk, While guards the British Sentry Pall Mall and Birdcage Walk, Let European thunders Occasion no alarms. Though diplomatic blunders May cause a cry " To arms 1 " Sleep on, ye pale civilians ; All thunder-clouds defy : On Europe's countless millions The Sentry keeps his eye ! Should foreign-born rapscallions In London dare to show Their overgrown battalions, Be sure I'll let you know. 431 Sleep On Should Russians or Norwegians Pollute our favoured clime With rough barbaric legions, I'll mention it in time. So sleep in peace, civilians, The Continent defy ; While on its countless millions The Sentry keeps his eye ! 432 THE CUNNING WOMAN On all Arcadia's sunny plain, On all Arcadia's hill, None were so blithe as Bill and Jane, So blithe as Jane and Bill. No social earthquake e'er occurred To rack their common mind : To them a Panic was a word — ■ A Crisis, empty wind. No Stock Exchange disturbed the lad With overwhelming shocks — Bill ploughed with all the shares he had, Jane planted all her stocks. 433 2 F The Cunning Woman And learn in what a simple way Their pleasures they enhanced — Jane danced like any lamb all day, Bill -piped as well as danced. Surrounded by a twittling crew, Of linnet, lark, and thrush. Bill treated his young lady to This sentimental gush : " Oh, Jane, how true I am to you ! How true you are to me ! And how we woo, and how we coo I So fond a pair are we ! " To think, dear Jane, that anyways. Your chiefest end and aim Is, one of these fine summer days, To bear my humble name 1 " Quoth Jane, " Well, as you put the case, I'm true enough, no doubt. But then, you see, in this here place There's none to cut you out. " But, oh ! if anybody came — A Lord or any such — ■ I do not think your humble name Would fascinate me much. " For though your mates, you often boast. You distance out-and-out ; Still, in the abstract, you're a most Uncompromising lout ! " 434 The Cunning Woman Poor Bill, he gave a heavy sigh, He tried in vain to speak — A fat tear started to each eye And coursed adown each cheek. For, oh ! right well in truth he knevf That very self-same day, The Lord de Jacob Pillaloo Was coming there to stay ! The Lord de Jacob Pillaloo All proper maidens shun — ■ He loves all women, it is true, But never marries one. Now Jane, with all her mad self-will, Was no coquette — oh no ! She really loved her faithful Bill, And thus she tuned her woe : 435 The Cunning Woman " Oh, willow, willow, o'er the lea ! And willow once again ! The Peer will fall in love with me ! Why wasn't I made plain ? " A cunning woman lived hard by, A sorceressing dame, MacCatacomb de Salmon-Eye Was her uncommon name. To her good Jane, with kindly yearn For Bill's increasing pain. Repaired in secrecy to learn How best to make her plain. "Oh, Jane,'' the worthy woman said, " This mystic phial keep. And rub its liquor in your head Before you go to sleep. 4.36 ihe Cunning Woman "When you awake next day, I trow, You'll look in form and hue To others just as you do now — But not to PiLLALOO ! " When you approach him, you will find He'll think you coarse — unkempt — And rudely bid you get behind, With undisguised contempt." The Lord de Pillaloo arrived With his expensive train. And when in state serenely hived. He sent for Bill and Jane. " Oh, spare her. Lord of Pillaloo ! (Said Bill) if wed you be. There's anything Fd rather do Than flirt with Lady P." The Lord he gazed in Jenny's eyes, He looked her through and through : The cunning woman's prophecies Were clearly coming true. Lord Pillaloo, the Rustic's Bane (Bad person he, and proud). He laughed Ha I ha t at pretty Jane, And sneered at her ahud ! 437 The Uunning Woman He bade her get behind him then, And seek her mother's stye — Yet to her native countrymen She was as fair as aye ! MacCatacomb, continue green ! Grow, Salmon-Eye, in might. Except for you, there might have been The deuce's own delight ! 438 THE LOVE-SICK BOY When first my old, old love I knew, My bosom welled with joy ; My riches at her feet I threw ; I was a love-sick boy ! No terms seemed too extravagant Upon her to employ — ■ I used to mope, and sigh, and pant, Just like a love-sick boy ! But joy incessant palls the sense ; And love unchanged will cloy, And she became a bore intense Unto her love-sick boy ? With fitful glimmer burnt my flame, And I grew cold and coy. At last, one morning, I became Another's love-sick boy ! 439 PHRENOLOGY " Come, collar this bad man — Around the throat he knotted me Till I to choke began — In point of fact, garrotted me ! " So spake Sir Herbert AVhite To James, Policeman Thirty-two — ■ All ruffled with his fight Sir Herbert was, and dirty too. Policeman nothing said (Though he had much to say on it;, But from the bad man's head He took the cap that lay on it. 440 Phrenology " No, great Sir Herbert White — Impossible to take him up. This man is honest quite — Wherever did you rake him up? " For Burglars, Thieves, and Co., Indeed I'm no apologist ; But I, some years ago, Assisted a Phrenologist. " Observe his various bumps. His head as I uncover it ; His morals lie in lumps All round about and over it." "Now take him," said Sir White, " Or you will sdon be rueing it ; Bless me ! I must be right, — I caught the fellow doing it ! " Policeman calmly smiled, " Indeed you are mistaken, sir, You're agitated — riled — And very badly shaken, sir. " Sit down, and I'll explain My system of Phrenology, A second, please, remain " — (A second is horology). Policeman left his beat — (The Bart., no longer furious. Sat down upon a seat, Observing, " This is curious ! ") 441 Phrenology " Oh, surely here are signs Should soften your rigidity, This gentleman combines Politeness with timidity. " Of Shyness here's a lump — A hole for Animosity— And like my fist his bump Of Generenerosity. "Just here the bump appears Of Innocent Hilarity, And just behind his ear Are Faith, and Hope, and Charity. " He of true Christian ways As bright example sent us is — This maxim he obeys, ' Sorte ti/ii contentus sis' 442 Jr'hrenology " There, let him go his ways, He needs no stern admonishing." The Bart., in blank amaze, Exclaimed, " This is astonishing ! " I must have made a mull. This matter I've been blind in it : Examine, please, my skull. And tell me what you find in it." Policeman looked, and said. With unimpaired urbanity, " Sir Herbert, you've a head That teems with inhumanity. " Here's Murder, Envy, Strife (Propensity to kill any), And Lies as large as life. And heaps of Social Villainy : " Here's Love of Bran New Clothes, Embezzli ng — Arson — Deism — A taste for Slang and Oaths, And Fraudulent Trusteeism. " Here's Love of Groundless Charge- Here's Malice, too, and Trickery, Unusually large Your bump of Pocket -Pickery "Stop ! " said the Bart, "my cup Is full — I'm worse than him in all- Policeman, take me up — No doubt I am some criminal ! " 443 Phrenology That Policeman's scorn grew large (Phrenology had nettled it), He took that Bart, in charge — I don't know how they settled it. ■Riiir 444 POETRY EVERYWHERE What time the poet hath hymned The writhing maid, lithe-limbed, Quivering on amaranthine asphodel, How can he paint her woes. Knowing, as well he knows, That all can be set right with calomel ? When from the poet's plinth The amorous colocynth Yearns for the aloe, faint with rapturous thrills, How can he hymn their throes Knowing, as well he knows, That they are only uncompounded pills ? Is it, and can it be. Nature hath this decree, Nothing poetic in the world shall dwell ? Or that in all her works Something poetic lurks. Even in colocynth and calomel ? 445 THE FAIRY CURATE Once a fairy Light and airy Married with a mortal ; Men, however, Never, never Pass the fairy portal. Slyly stealing. She to Ealing Made a daily journey ; There she found him. Clients round him (He was an attorney). Long they tarried. Then they married. When the ceremony Once was ended. Off they wended On their moon of honey. 446 The Fairy Curate Twelvemonth, maybe, Saw a baby (Friends performed an orgle), Much they prized him, And baptized him By the name of Georgie. Georgie grew up ; Then he flew up To his fairy mother. Happy meeting Pleasant greeting- Kissing one another. " Choose a calling Most enthralling, I sincerely urge ye." "Mother," said he (Rev'rence made he), "I would join the clergy. "Give permission In addition — • Pa will let me do it : There's a living In his giving, He'll appoint me to it. Dreams of coff'ring Easter off'ring, Tithe and rent and pew-rate, So inflame me (Do not blame me). That I'll be a curate." She, with pleasure, Said, " My treasure, 'Tis my wish precisely. 447 The Fairy Curate Do your duty, There's a beauty ; You have chosen wisely. Tell your father I would rather As a churchman rank you. You, in clover, I'll watch over." Georgie said, " Oh, thank you ! ' 448 The Fairy Curate Georgie scudded, Went and studied, Made all preparations. And with credit (Though he said it) Passed examinations. (Do not quarrel With him, moral. Scrupulous digestions — But his mother. And no other. Answered all the questions.) Time proceeded ; Littleneeded Georgie admonition : He, elated. Vindicated Clergyman's position. People round him Always found him Plain and unpretending ; Kindly teaching, Plainly preaching — All his money lending. So the fairy, Wise and wary. Felt no sorrow rising — No occasion For persuasion, Warning, or advising. He, resuming Fairy pluming (That's not English, is it ?) 449 2 G The Fairy Curate Oft would fly up, To the sky up, Pay mamma a visit. Time progressing, Georgie's blessing Grew more Ritualistic — - Popish scandals. Tonsures — sandals — Genuflections mystic ; Gushing meetings — Bosom-beatings — Heavenly ecstatics — Broidered spencers — Copes and censers — - Rochets and dalmatics. This quandary Vexed the fairy — Flew she down to Ealing. " Georgie, stop it ! Pray you, drop it ; Hark to my appealing : To this foolish Papal rule-ish Twaddle put an ending ; This a swerve is From our Service Plain and unpretending." He, replying. Answered, sighing, Hawing, hemming, humming, 45° The Fairy Curate " It's a pity— They're so pritty; Yet in mode becoming, Mother tender, I'll surrender — I'll be unaffected—" Then his Bishop Into his shop Efltered unexpected : "Who is this, sir, — Ballet miss, sir ? " Said the Bishop coldly. " 'Tis my mother, And no other," Georgie answered boldly. 451 The Fairy Curate " Go along, sir ! You are wrong, sir, You have years in plenty ; While this hussy (Gracious mussy !) Isn't two-and-twenty ! " (Fairies clever Never, never Grow in visage older ; And the fairy, All unwary, Leant upon his shoulder !) Bishop grieved him, Disbelieved him, George the point grew warm on. Changed religion, Like a pigeon, '- And became a Mormon. » "Like a bird." 452 HE LOVES! He loves ! If in the bygone years Thine eyes have ever shed Tears — bitter, unavailing tears, For one untimely dead — If in the eventide of life Sad thoughts of her arise. Then let the memory of thy vrife Plead for my boy — he dies ! He dies ! If fondly laid aside In some old cabinet. Memorials of thy long-dead bride Lie, dearly treasured yet. Then let her hallowed bridal dress— Her little dainty gloves — Her withered flowers — ^her faded tress- Plead for my boy — he loves ! 453 THE WAY OF WOOING A MAIDEN sat at her window wide, Pretty enough for a prince's bride, Yet nobody came to claim her. She sat like a beautiful picture ther-e, With pretty bluebells and roses fair, And jasmine leaves to frame her. And why she sat there nobody knows ; But thus she sang as she plucked a rose, The leaves around her strewing : " I've time to lose and power to choose ; 'Tis not so much the gallant who woos As the gallant's way of wooing ! " ^54 The Way of Wooing A lover came riding by awhile, A wealthy lover was he, whose smile Some maids would value greatly-^ — A formal lover, who bowed and bent, With many a high-flown compliment, And cold demeanour stately. koi " You've still," said she to her suitor stern, " The 'prentice-work of your craft to learn, If thus you come a-cooing. I've time to lose and power to choose ; 'Tis not so much the gallant who woos As the gallant's way of wooing ! " 45 S The Way of Wooing A second lover came ambling by — A timid lad with a frightened eye And a colour mantling highly. He muttered the errand on which he'd come, Then only chuckled and bit his thumb, And simpered, simpered shyly. " No," said the maiden, "go your way. You dare but think what a man would say, Yet dare come a-suing ! I've time to lose and power to choose ; 'Tis not so much the gallant who woos As the gallant's way of wooing ! " A third rode up at a startling pace — A suitor poor, with a homely face — No doubts appeared to bind him. He kissed her lips and he pressed her waist. And off he rode with the maiden, placed On a pillion safe behind him. 4S6 The Way of Wooing And she heard the suitor bold confide This golden hint to the priest who tied The knot there's no undoing : " With pretty young maidens who can choose, 'Tis not so much the gallant who woos As the gallant's way of wooing ! " 457 TRUE DIFFIDENCE My boy, you may take it from me, That of all the afflictions accurst With which a man's saddled And hampered and addled, A diffident nature's the worst. Though clever as clever can be — A Crichton of early romance — You must stir it and stump it. And blow your own trumpet, Or, trust me, you haven't a chance. Now take, for example, my case : I've a bright intellectual brain — In all London city There's no one so witty — ■ I've thought so again and again, 4S8 True Uiffidence I've a highly intelligent face — My features cannot be denied — But, whatever I try, sir, I fail in — and why, sir ? I'm modesty personified ! As a poet, I'm tender and quaint — I've passion and fervour and grace — From Ovid and Horace To Swinburne and Morris, They all of them take a back place. Then I sing and I play and I paint ; Though none are accomplished as I, To say so were treason : You ask me the reason ? I'm difiSdent, modest, and shy ! 459 HONGREE AND MAHRY A RICHARDSONIAN MELODRAMA The sun was setting in its wonted west, When HoNGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores, Met Mahry Daubigny, the Village Rose, Under the Wizard's Oak — old trysting-place Of those who loved in rosy Aquitaine. They thought themselves unwatched, but they were not, For HoNGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores, Found in Lieutenant-Colonel Jooles Dubosc A rival, envious and unscrupulous, Who thought it not foul scorn to dog his steps. And listen, unperceived, to all that passed Between the simple little Village Rose And HoNGREE, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores. 460 Hongree and Mahry A clumsy barrack-bully was Dubosc, Quite unfamiliar with the well-bred tact That actuates a proper gentleman In dealing with a girl of humble rank. You'll understand his coarseness when I say He would have married Mahry Daubigny, And dragged the unsophisticated girl Into the whirl of fashionable life, For which her singularly rustic ways, Her breeding (moral, but extremely rude), Her language (chaste, but ungrammatical). Would absolutely have unfitted her. No such intention lurked within the breast Of Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores ! Contemporary with the incident Related in our opening paragraph. Was that sad war 'twixt Gallia and ourselves That followed on the treaty signed at Troyes ; And so Lieutenant-Colonel Jooles Dubosc (Brave soldier, he, with all his faults of style) And Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores, Were sent by Charles of France against the lines Of our Sixth Henry (Fourteen twenty-nine), To drive his legions out of Aquitaine. When Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores, Returned (suspecting nothing) to his camp, After his meeting with the Village Rose, He found inside his barrack letter-box A note from the commanding-officer. Requiring his attendance at headquarters. He went, and found Lieutenant-Colonel Jooles "Young Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores, This night we shall attack the English camp : Be the ' forlorn hope ' yours — you'll lead it, sir, 461 Hongree and Mahry And lead it too with credit, I've no doubt " (These last words with a cruelly obvious sneer). " As every soul must certainly be killed (For you are twenty 'gainst two thousand men), It is not likely that you will return ; But what of that ? you'll have the benefit Of knowing that you die a soldier's death." Obedience was young Hongree's strongest point. But he imagined that he only owed Allegiance to his Mahry and his King. " If Mahry bade me lead these fated men, I'd lead them — but I do not think she would. If Charles, my King, said, ' Go, my son, and die,' I'd go, of course — my duty would be clear. But Mahry is in bed asleep (I hope). And Charles, my King, a hundred leagues from this. As for Lieutenant-Colonel Jooles Dubosc, 462 Hongree and Mahry How know I that our monarch would approve The order he has given me to-night ? My King I've sworn in all things to obey — I'll only take my orders from my King ! " Thus Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores Interpreted the terms of his commission. And Hongree, who was wise as he was good, Disguised himself that night in ample cloak, ^^ Round flapping hat, and visor mask of black, And made, unnoticed, for the English camp. He passed the unsuspecting sentinels (Who little thought a man in this disguise Could be a proper object of suspicion). And ere the curfew-bell had boomed "lights out,'' He found in audience Bedford's haughty Duke. 463 Hongree and Mahry "Your Grace," he said, " start not — be not alarmed, Although a Frenchman stands before your eyes. I'm Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores. My colonel will attack your camp to-night. And orders me to lead the hope forlorn. Now I am sure our excellent King Charles Would not approve of this ; but he's away A hundred leagues, and rather more than that. So, utterly devoted to my King, Blinded by my attachment to the throne. And having but its interest at heart, I feel it is my duty to disclose All schemes that emanate from Colonel Jooles, If I believe that they are not the kind Of schemes that our good monarch could approve.' "But how," said Bedford's Duke, "do you propose 464 Hongree and Mahry That we should overthrow your colonel's scheme ? " And Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores, Replied at once with never-failing tact : " Oh, sir, I know this cursed country well. Entrust yourself and all your host to me; I'll lead you safely by a secret path Into the heart of Colonel Jooles' array, And you can then attack them unprepared. And slay my fellow-countrymen unarmed." The thing was done. The Duke of Bedford gave The order, and two thousand fighting-men Crept silently into the Gallic camp. And killed the Frenchmen as they lay asleep ; And Bedford's haughty Duke slew Colonel Jooles, And married Mahry, pride of Aquitaine, To Hongree, Sub-Lieutenant of Chassoores. ■Siiih- 465 2 H THE TANGLED SKEIN Try we life-long, we can never Straighten out life's tangled skein, Why should we, in vain endeavour, Guess and guess and guess again ? Life's a pudding full of plums Care's a canker that benumbs. Wherefore waste our elocution On impossible solution ? Life's a pleasant institution. Let us take it as it comes ! Set aside the dull enigma, We shall guess it all too soon ; Failure brings no kind of stigma — Dance we to another tune ! String the lyre and fill the cup, Lest on sorrow we should sup; Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle, Hands across and down the middle — Life's perhaps the only riddle That we shrink from giving up ! 466 THE REVEREND MICAH SOWLS The Reverend Micah Sowls, He shouts and yells and howls, He screams, he mouths, he bumps, He foams, he rantSj he thumps. His armour he has buckled on, to wage The regulation war against the Stage ; And warns his congregation all to shun "The Presence-Chamber of the Evil One." The subject's sad enough To make him rant and puff. And fortunately, too. His Bishop's in a pew. So Reverend Micah claps on extra steam, His eyes are flashing with superior gleam. He is as energetic as can be, For there are fatter livings in that see. 467 The Reverend Micah Sowls The Bishop, when it's o'er, Goes through the vestry door, Where Micah, very red, Is mopping of his head. Boir " Pardon, my Lord, your Sowls' excessive zeal, It is a theme on which I strongly feel." (The sermon somebody had sent him down From London, at a charge of half-a-crown.) The Bishop bowed his head. And, acquiescing, said, " I've heard your well-meant rage Against the Modern Stage. " A modern Theatre, as I heard you say, Sows seeds of evil broadcast — well it may ; But let me ask you, my respected son. Pray, have you ever ventured into one ? " The Reverend Micah Sowls "My Lord," said Micah, "no! I never, never go ! What ! Go and see a play ? My goodness gracious, nay ! " The worthy Bishop said, " My friend, no doubt The Stage may be the place you make it out ; But if, my Reverend Sowls, you never go, I don't quite understand how you're to know.'' "Well, really," Micah said, " I've often heard and read, But never go — do you ? " The Bishop said, "I do." "That proves me wrong," said Micah, in a trice; "I thought it all frivolity and vice." The Bishop handed him a printed card ; " Go to a theatre where they play our Bard." The Bishop took his leave, Rejoicing in his sleeve. The next ensuing day Sowls went and heard a play. He saw a dreary person on the stage, Who mouthed and mugged in simulated rage. Who growled and spluttered in a mode absurd. And spoke an English Sowls had never heard. For "gaunt" was spoken "garnt," And "haunt" transformed to "harnt," And ''wrath" pronounced as "rath," And "death" was changed to "dath." 469 The Reverend Micah Sowls For hours and hours that dismal actor walked, And talked, and talked, and talked, and talked, Till lethargy upon the parson crept. And sleepy Micah Sowls serenely slept He slept away until The farce that closed the bill Had warned him not to stay. And then he went away. " I thought my gait ridiculous," said he — " Aiy elocution faulty as could be ; I thought /mumbled on a matchless plan- I had not seen our great Tragedian ! " Forgive me, if you can, great Tragedian ! 1 own it with a sigh — • You're drearier than I ! " 470 MY LADY Bedecked in fashion trim, With every curl a-quiver; Or leaping, light of limb, O'er rivulet and river; Or skipping o'er the lea On daffodil and daisy ; Or stretched beneath a tree. All languishing and lazy ; Whatever be her mood — - Be she demurely prude Or languishingly lazy — My lady drives me crazy ! In vain her heart is wooed, Whatever be her mood ! 471 My Lady What profit should I gain Suppose she loved ine dearly ? Her coldness turns my brain To verge of madness merely. Her kiss — though, Heaven knows, To dream of it were treason — Would tend, as I suppose, To utter loss of reason ! My state is not amiss ; I would not have a kiss Which, in or out of season, Might tend to loss of reason : What profit in such bliss ? A fig for such a kiss ! 472 ^^ ONE AGAINST THE WORI-D It's my opinion— though I own In thinking so I'm quite alone — In some respects I'm but a fright. You like my features, I suppose ? I'm disappointed with my nose : Some rave about it — perhaps they're right. My figure just sets off a fit ; But when they say it's exquisite (And they do say so), that's too strong. I hope I'm not what people call Opinionated ! After all, I'm but a goose, and may be wrong ! When charms enthral There's some excuse For measures strong ; And after all I'm but a goose. And may be wrong ! 473 One Against the World My teeth are very neat, no doubt ; But after all they may fall out : / think they will — some think they won't. My hands are small, as you may see, But not as small as they might be. At least, / think so — others don't But there, a girl may preach and prate From morning six to evening eight. And never stop to dine. When all the world, although misled, Is quite agreed on any head — • And it is quite agreed on mine ! All said and done, It's little I Against a throng. I'm only one. And possibly I may be wrong ! 474 3aJr^ THE FORCE OF ARGUMENT Lord B. was a nobleman bold Who came of illustrious stocks, He was thirty or forty years old, And several feet in his socks. To Turniptopville-by-the-Sea This elegant nobleman went, For that was a borough that he Was anxious to rep-per-re-senK At local assemblies he danced Until he felt thoroughly ill ; He waltzed, and he galoped, and lanced. And threaded the mazy quadrille. 47S The Force of Argument The maidens of Turniptopville Were simple — ingenuous — pure — And they all worked away with a will The nobleman's heart to secure. Two maidens all others beyond Endeavoured his cares to dispel — The one was the lively Ann Pond, The other sad Mary Morell. Ann Pond had determined to try And carry the Earl with a rush ; Her principal feature was eye, Her greatest accomplishment — gush. And Mary chose this for her play : Whenever he looked in her eye She'd blush and turn quickly away, And flitter, and flutter, and sigh. It was noticed he constantly sighed As she worked out the scheme she had planned, A fact he endeavoured to hide With his aristocratical hand. Old Pond was a farmer, they say. And so was old Tommy Morell. In a humble and pottering way T^ey were doing exceedingly well. They both of them carried by vote The Earl was a dangerous man ; So nervously clearing his throat, One morning old Tommy began : 476 The Force of Argument " My darter's no pratty young doll — I'm a plain-spoken Zommerzet man — Now what do 'ee mean by my Poll, And what do 'ee mean by his Ann ? " Said B., " I will give you my bond I mean them uncommonly well, Believe me, my excellent Pond, And credit me, worthy Morell. " It's quite indisputable, for I'll prove it with singular ease, — You shall have it in ' Barbara ' or ' Celarent ' — whichever you please. 477 The Force of Argument 'You see, when an anchorite bows To the yoke of intentional sin, If the state of the country allows, Homogeny always steps in — " It's a highly sesthetical bond, As any mere ploughboy can tell '■ "Of course," replied puzzled old Pond. "I see," said old Tommy Morell. "Very good, then," continued the lord; " When it's fooled to the top of its bent, With a sweep of a Damocles sword The web of intention is rent. "That's patent to all of us here, As any mere schoolboy can tell." Pond answered, " Of course it's quite clear " ; And so did that humbug Morell. " Its tone's esoteric in force — I trust that I make myself clear ? " Morell only answered, " Of course," While Pond slowly muttered, " Hear, hear." " Volition — celestial prize. Pellucid as porphyry cell — Is based on a principle wise.'' "Quite so," exclaimed Pond and Morell. " From what I have said you will see That I couldn't wed either — in fine, By Nature's unchanging decree Your daughters could never be mine. 478 The Force of Argument " Go home to your pigs and your ricks, My hands of the matter I've rinsed." So they take up their hats and their sticks, And exeunt ambo, convinced. 479 PUT A PENNY IN THE SLOT If my action's stiff and crude, Do not laugh, because it's rude. If my gestures promise larks, Do not make unkind remarks. Clockwork figures may be found Everywhere and all around. Ten to one, if I but knew. You are clockwork figures too. And the motto of the lot, " Put a penny in the slot ! " 480 Put a Penny in the Slot Usurer, for money lent, Making out his cent per cent — Widow plump or maiden rare. Deaf and dumb to suitor's prayer- Tax collectors, whom in vain You implore to " call again " — Cautious voter, whom you find Slow in making up his mind — If you'd move them on the spot, Put a penny in the slot ! Bland reporters in the courts. Who suppress police reports — Sheriffs yeoman, pen in fist, Making out a jury list — ■ Stern policemen, tall and spare, Acting all " upon the square " — (Which in words that plainer fall. Means that you can square them all)- If you want to move the lot, Put a penny in the slot ! 481 loT GOOD LITTLE GIRLS Although of native maids the cream, We're brought up on the English scheme- The best of all For great and small Who modesty adore. For English girls are good as gold, Extremely modest (so we're told). Demurely coy — divinely cold — And we are that — and more. To please papa, who argues thus — All girls should mould themselves on us, Because we are, By furlongs far, 482 Good Little Girls The best of all the bunch ; We show ourselves to loud applause From ten to four without a pause — Which is an awkward time because It cuts into our lunch. Oh, maids of high and low degree, Whose social code is rather free. Please look at us and you will see What good young ladies ought to be ! And as we stand, like clockwork toys, A lecturer papa employs To puff and praise Our modest ways And guileless character — Our well-known blush — our downcast eyes- Our famous look of mild surprise (Which competition still defies) — Our celebrated "Sir!!!" Then all the crowd take down our looks In pocket memorandum books. To diagnose Our modest pose The kodaks do their best : If evidence you would possess Of what is maiden bashfulness, You only need a button press — And we do all the rest. 483 THE PHANTOM CURATE A BISHOP once — I will not name his see — Annoyed his clergy in the mode conventional ; From pulpit shackles never set them free, And found a sin where sin was unintentional. All pleasures ended in abuse auricular — • That Bishop was so terribly particular. Though, on the whole, a wise and upright man. He sought to make of human pleasures clearances, And form his priests on that much-lauded plan Which pays undue attention to appearances. He couldn't do good deeds without a psalm in 'em, Although, in truth, he bore away the palm in 'em. 484 The Phantom Curate Enraged to find a deacon at a dance, Or catch a curate at some mild frivolity, He sought by open censure to enhance Their dread of joining harmless social jollity ; Yet he enjoyed (a fact of notoriety) The ordinary pleasures of society. One evening, sitting at a pantomime (Forbidden treat to those who stood in fear of him), Roaring at jokes sans metre, sense, or rhyme. He turned, and saw immediately in rear of him — His peace of mind upsetting, and annoying it — A curate, also heartily enjoying it. Again, 'twas Christmas Eve, and to enhance His children's pleasure in their harmless rollicking. He, like a good old fellow, stood to dance ; When something checked the current of his frolicking: That curate, with a maid he treated loverly. Stood up and figured with him in the " Coverley " ! Once, yielding to an universal choice (The company's demand was an emphatic one. For the old I5ishop had a glorious voice). In a quartet he joined — an operatic one — Harmless enough, though ne'er a word of grace in it ; When, lo ! that curate came and took the bass in it ! One day, when passing through a quiet street, He stopped awhile and joined a Punch's gathering. And chuckled more than solemn folk think meet To see that gentleman his Judy lathering ; And heard, as Punch was being treated penally. That phantom curate laughing all hyaenally ! 485 The Phantom Curate Now at a picnic, 'mid fair golden curls, Bright eyes, straw hats, bottines that fit amazingly, A croquet-bout is planned by all the girls, And he, consenting, speaks of croquet praisingly ; But suddenly declines to play at all in it — • The curate fiend has come to take a ball in it ! Next, when at quiet seaside village, freed From cares episcopal and ties monarchical. He grows his beard, and smokes his fragrant weed, In manner anything but hierarchical — He sees — and fixes an unearthly stare on it — That curate's face, with half a yard of hair on it ! At length he gave a charge, and spake this word : " Vicars, your curates to enjoyment urge ye may To check their harmless pleasuring's absurd ; What laymen do without reproach, my clergy may." He spake, and lo ! at this concluding word of him. The curate vanished — no one since has heard of him. 486 LIFE First you're born — and I'll be bound you Find a dozen strangers round you. " Hallo,'' cries the new-born baby, "Where's my parents? which may they be?" Awkward silence — no reply — Puzzled baby wonders why ! Father rises, bows politely — Mother smiles (but not too brightly) — Doctor mumbles like a dumb thing — Nurse is busy mixing something. — Every symptom tends to show You're decidedly de trop — Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! Time's teetotum. If you spin it, Give its quotum Once a minute ; I'll go bail You hit the nail. And if you fail The deuce is in it ! 487 Life You grow up, and you discover What it is to be a lover. Some young lady is selected — - Poor, perhaps, but well-connected. Whom you hail (for Love is blind As the Queen of Fairy-kind. Though she's plain — perhaps unsightly, Makes her face up — laces tightly, In her form your fancy traces AH the gifts of all the graces. Rivals none the maiden woo, So you take her and she takes you ! Ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! ho ! Joke beginning, Never ceases, Till your inning Time releases ; On your way You blindly stray, And day by day The joke increases ! Ten years later — Time progresses — Sours your temper — thins your tresses ; Fancy, then, her chain relaxes ; Rates are facts and so are taxes. Fairy Queen's no longer young — Fairy Queen has such a tongue ! Twins have probably intruded — Quite unbidden — just as you did ; They're a source of care and trouble — Just as you were — only double. Comes at last the final stroke — Time has had his little joke ! 48S Life Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! Daily driven (Wife as drover) 111 you've thriven — Ne'er in clover : Lastly, when Threescore and ten (And not till then), The joke is over ! Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho I ho! ho! ho! Then — and then The joke is over ! **r 489 LIMITED LIABILITY Some seven men form an Association (If possible, all Peers and Baronets), They start off with a public declaration To what extent they mean to pay their debts. That's called their Capital : if they are wary They will not quote it at a sum immense. The figure's immaterial — it may vary From eighteen million down to eighteenpence. / should put it rather low ; The good sense of doing so Will be evident at once to any debtor. When it's left to you to say What amount you mean to pay, Why, the lower you can put it at, the better. 490 Limited Liability They then proceed to trade with all who'll trust 'em, Quite irrespective of their capital (It's shady, but it's sanctified by custom) ; Bank, Railway, Loan, or Panama Canal. You can't embark on trading too tremendous — It's strictly fair, and based on common sense — If you succeed, your profits are stupendous — And if you fail, pop goes your eighteenpence. Make the money-spinner spin ! For you only stand to win, And you'll never with dishonesty be twitted. For nobody can know. To a million or so, To what extent your capital's committed ! If you come to grief, and creditors are craving (For nothing that is planned by mortal head Is certain in this Vale of Sorrow — saving That one's Liability is Limited), — Do you sui)pose that signifies perdition ? If so you're but a monetary dunce — You merely file a Winding-Up Petition, And start another Company at once ! Though a Rothschild you may be In your own capacity. As a Company you've come to utter sorrow — But the Liquidators say, "Never mind — you needn't pay," So you start another Company to-morrow ! 491 THE SENSATION CAPTAIN No nobler captain ever trod Than Captain Parklebury Todd, So good — so wise — so brave, he ! But still, as all his friends would own, He had one folly — one alone — This Captain in the Navy. I do not think I ever knew A man so wholly given to Creating a sensation ; Or p'raps I should in justice say — To what in an Adelphi play Is known as " situation." He passed his time designing traps To flurry unsuspicious chaps — The taste was his innately ; He couldn't walk into a room Without ejaculating " Boom ! " Which startled ladies greatly. 492 The Sensation Captain He'd wear a mask and muffling cloak, Not, you will understand, in joke, As some assume disguises ; He did it, actuated by A simple love of mystery And fondness for surprises. I need not say he loved a maid — His eloquence threw into shade All others who adored her. The maid, though pleased at first, 1 know, Found, after several years or so. Her startling lover bored her. So, when his orders came to sail, She did not faint or scream or wail, Or with her tears anoint him : She shook his hand, and said "Good-bye," With laughter dancing in her eye — Which seemed to disappoint him. But ere he went aboard his boat. He placed around her little throat A ribbon, blue and yellow, On which he hung a double tooth — A simple token this, in sooth — 'Twas all he had, poor fellow ! "I often wonder," he would say. When very, very far away, " If Angelina wears it ? A plan has entered in my head : I will pretend that I am dead, And see how Angy bears it.'' 493 The Sensation Captain The news he made a messmate tell. His Angelina bore it well, No sign gave she of crazing ; But, steady as the Inchcape Rock, His Angelina stood the shock With fortitude amazing. She said, " Some one I must elect Poor Angelina to protect From all who wish to harm her. Since worthy Captain Todd is deadj I rather feel inclined to wed A comfortable farmer." A comfortable farmer came (Bassanio Tyler was his name). Who had no end of treasure. He said, " My noble gal, be mine ! " The noble gal did not decline, But simply said, "With pleasure." 4Q4 The Sensation Captain When this was told to Captain Todd, At first he thought it rather odd, And felt some perturbation ; But very long he did not grieve, He thought he could a way perceive To such a situation ! " I'll not reveal myself," said he, "Till they are both in the Eccle- siastical arena ; Then suddenly I will appear, And paralysing them with fear. Demand my Angelina ! " At length arrived the wedding day ; Accoutred in the usual way Appeared the bridal body ; The worthy clergyman began. When in the gallant Captain ran And cried, " Behold your Toddy ! " 495 The Sensation Captain The bridegroom, p'raps, was terrified, And also possibly the bride — The bridesmaids were affrighted ; But Angelina, noble soul. Contrived her feelings to control. And really seemed delighted. " My bride ! " said gallant Captain Todd, " She's mine, uninteresting clod I My own, my darling charmer ! " "Oh dear," said she, "you're just too late- I'm married to, I beg to state, This comfortable farmer ! " "Indeed," the farmer said, "she's mines You've been and cut it far too fine ! " " I see," said Todd, " I'm beaten." And so he went to sea once more, " Sensation " he for aye forswore. And married on her native shore A lady whom he'd met before — ■ A lovely Otaheitan. 496 •^ ANGLICISED UTOPIA Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses, Which empties our police courts, and abolishes divorces. (Divorce is nearly obsolete in England.) No tolerance we show to undeserving rank and splendour; For the higher his position is, the greater the offender. (That's a maxim that is prevalent in England.) No Peeress at our Drawing-Room before the Presence passes Who wouldn't be accepted by the lower-middle classes ; Each shady dame, whatever be her rank, is bowed out neatly. In short, this happy country has been Anglicised completely ! It really is surprising What a thorough Anglicising We've brought about — Utopia's quite another land ; In her enterprising movements, She is England — with improvements, Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land ! 497 2 K Anglicised Utopia Our city we have beautified — we've done it willy-nilly — And all that isn't Belgrave Square is Strand and Piccadilly. (They haven't any slummeries in England.) We have solved the labour question with discrimination polished, So poverty is obsolete and hunger is abolished — (They are going to abolish it in England.) The Chamberlain our native stage has purged, beyond a question. Of " risky '' situation and indelicate suggestion ; No piece is tolerated if it's costumed indiscreetly — In short, this happy country has been Anglicised completely ! It really is surprising What a thorough Anglicising We've brought about — Utopia's quite another land ; In her enterprising movements, She is England — with improvements, Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land! Our Peerage we've remodelled on an intellectual basis, AVhich certainly is rough on our hereditary races — (They are going to remodel it in England.) The Brewers and the Cotton Lords no longer seek admission, And Literary Merit meets with proper recognition — (As Literary Merit does in England !) Who knows butwemaycountamong our intellectual chickens Like them an Earl of Thackeray and p'raps a Duke of Dickens — Lord Fildes and Viscount Millais (when they come) we'll welcome sweetly — And then, this happy country will be Anglicised completely! It really is surprising What a thorough Anglicising We've brought about — Utopia's quite another land ; In her enterprising movements. She is England — with improvements. Which we dutifully offer to our mother-land ! 498 AN ENGLISH GIRL A WONDERFUL joy our eyes to bless, In her magnificent conneliness, Is an English girl of eleven stone two, And five foot ten in her dancing shoe ! She follows the hounds, and on she pounds — The "field "tails off and the muffs diminish — Over the hedges and brooks she bounds — Straight as a crow, from find to finish. At cricket, her kin will lose or win — She and her maids, on grass and clover, Eleven maids out — eleven maids in — (And perhaps an occasional "maiden over"). Go search the world and search the sea, Then come you home and sing with me There's no such gold and no such pearl As a bright and beautiful English girl ! 499 An English Girl With a ten-mile spin she stretches her Umbs, She golfs, she punts, she rows, she swims — She plays, she sings, she dances, too. From ten or eleven till all is blue ! At ball or drum, till small hours come (Chaperon's fan conceals her yawning). She'll waltz away like a teetotum. And never go home till daylight's dawning. Lawn tennis may share her favours fair — Her eyes a-dance and her cheeks a-glowing — Down comes her hair, but what does she care ? It's all her own and it's worth the showing ! Go search the world and search the sea, Then come you home and sing with me There's no such gold and no such pearl As a bright and beautiful English girl ! Her soul is sweet as the ocean air. For prudery knows no haven there ; To find mock-modesty, please apply To the conscious blush and the downcast eye. Rich in the things contentment brings, In every pure enjoyment wealthy, Bhthe as a beautiful bird she sings. For body and mind are hale and healthy. Her eyes they thrill with right goodwill — Her heart is light as a floating feather — As pure and bright as the mountain rill That leaps and laughs in the Highland heather ! Go search the world and search the sea. Then come you home and sing with me There's no such gold and no such pearl As a bright and beautiful EngHsh girl ! 500 TEMPORA MUTANTUR Letters, letters, letters, letters ! Some that please and some that bore, Some that threaten prison fetters (Metaphorically, fetters Such as bind insolvent debtors) — Invitations by the score. One from Cogson, Wiles, and Railer, My attorneys, off the Strand ; One from Copperblock, my tailor — My unreasonable tailor — One in Flagg's disgusting hand. One from Ephraim and Moses, Wanting coin without a doubt, I should like to pull their noses — Their uncompromising noses ; One from Alice with the roses — Ah, I know what that's about ! SOI Tempora Mutantur Time was when I waited, waited For the missives that she wrote, Humble postmen execrated — Loudly, deeply execrated — When I heard I wasn't fated To be gladdened with a note ! Time was when I'd not have bartered Of her little pen a dip For a peerage duly gartered — For a peerage starred and gartered — With a palace-office chartered, Or a Secretaryship. But the time for that is over, And I wish we'd never met. I'm afraid I've proved a rover- I'm afraid a heartless rover — Quarters in a place like Dover Tend to make a man forget. Bills for carriages and horses, Bills for wine and light cigar. Matters that concern the Forces- News that may affect the Forces- News affecting my resources. Much more interesting are ! And the tiny little paper, With the words that seem to run From her little fingers taper (They are very small and taper), By the tailor and the draper Are in interest outdone. 502 Tempora Mutantur And unopened it's remaining ! I can read her gentle hope — Her entreaties, uncomplaining (She was always uncomplaining), Her devotion never waning — Through the little envelope ! 503 A MANAGER'S PERPLEXITIES Were I a king in very truth, And had a son — a guileless youth — In probable succession ; To teach him patience, teach him tact, How promptly in a fix to act, He should adopt, in point of fact, A manager's profession. To that condition he should stoop (Despite a too fond mother). With eight or ten " stars " in his troupe, All jealous of each other ! Oh, the man who can rule a theatrical crew, Each member a genius (and some of them two). And manage to humour them, little and great, Can govern a tuppenny-ha'penny State ! 504 A Manager's Perplexities Both A and B rehearsal slight — They say they'll be " all right at night " (They've both to go to school yet) ; C in each act must change her dress, D will attempt to " square the press '' ; E won't play Romeo unless His grandmother plays Juliet ; F claims all hoydens as her rights (She's played them thirty seasons) ; And G must show herself in tights For two convincing reasons — Two very well-shaped reasons ! Oh, the man who can drive a theatrical team, With wheelers and leaders in order supreme, Can govern and rule, with a wave of his fin, All Europe and Asia — with Ireland thrown in ! 505 OUT OF SORTS When you find you're a broken-down critter, Who is all of a trimmle and twitter, With your palate unpleasantly bitter, As if you'd just bitten a pill — When your legs are as thin as dividers. And you're plagued with unruly insiders. And your spine is all creepy with spiders, And you're highly gamboge in the gill — When you've got a beehive in your head. And a sewing machine in each ear. And you feel that you've eaten your bed. And you've got a bad headache down Jicre- When such facts are about. And these symptoms you find In your body or crown — Well, it's time to look out. You may make up your mind You had better lie down ! 506 Out of Sorts When your lips are all smeary — like tallow, And your tongue is decidedly yallow, With a pint of warm oil in your swallow, And a pound of tin-tacks in your chest — When you're down in the mouth with the vapours. And all over your new Morris papers Black-beetles are cutting their capers, And crawly things never at rest — When you doubt if your head is your own, And you jump when an open door slams — Then you've got to a state which is known To the medical world as "jim-jams.'' If such symptoms you find In your body or head, They're not easy to quell — You may make up your mind You are better in bed, For you're not at all well ! 5°7 AT A PANTOMIME BY A BILIOUS ONE An actor sits in doubtful gloom, His stock-in-trade unfurled, In a damp funereal dressing-room In the Theatre Royal, World. He comes to town at Christmas-time And braves its icy breath. To play in that favourite pantomime. Harlequin Life and Death. A hoary flowing wig his weird. Unearthly cranium caps ; He hangs a long benevolent beard On a pair of empty chaps. 508 At a Pantomime To smooth his ghastly features down The actor's art he cribs ; A long and a flowing padded gown Bedecks his rattling ribs. He cries, " Go on — begin, begin ! Turn on the light of lime ; I'm dressed for jolly Old Christmas in A favourite pantomime ! " The curtain's up — the stage all black — Time and the Year nigh sped — ■ (Time as an advertising quack) The Old Year nearly dead. The wand of Time is waved, and lo ! Revealed Old Christmas stands, And little children chuckle and crow, And laugh and clap their hands. The cruel old scoundrel brightens up At the death of the Olden Year, And he waves a gorgeous golden cup, And bids the world good cheer. The little ones hail the festive King — No thought can make them sad ; Their laughter comes with a sounding ring, They clap and crow like mad ! They only see in the humbug old A holiday every year. And handsome gifts, and joys untold. And unaccustomed cheer. S09 At a Pantomime Tne old ones, palsied, blear, and hoar, Their breasts in anguish beat — ■ They've seen him seventy times before, How well they know the cheat ! They've seen that ghastly pantomime. They've felt its blighting breath, They know that rollicking Christmas-time Meant cold and want and death — Starvation — Poor Law Union fare, And deadly cramps and chills, And illness — illness everywhere — And crime, and Christmas bills. 510 At a Pantomime They know Old Christmas well, I ween, Those men of ripened age ; They've often, often, often seen That actor off the stage. They see in his gay rotundity A clumsy stuffed-out dress ; They see in the cup he waves on high A tinselled emptiness. Those aged men so lean and wan, They've seen it all before ; They know they'll see the charlatan But twice or three times more. And so they bear with dance and song, And crimson foil and green ; They wearily sit, and grimly long For the Transformation Scene. Sit HOW IT'S DONE BoLD-faced ranger (Perfect stranger) Meets two well-behaved young ladies. He's attractive, Young and active — Each a little bit afraid is. Youth advances, At his glances To their danger they awaken ; They repel him As they tell him He is very much mistaken. Though they speak to him politely. Please observe they're sneering slightly, Just to show he's acting vainly. This is Virtue saying plainly, " Go away, young bachelor. We are not what you take us for ! " 512 How it's Done (When addressed impertinently, English ladies answer gently, " Go away, young bachelor. We are not what you take us for ! " ) As he gazes, Hat he raises. Enters into conversation. Makes excuses — This produces Interesting agitation. He, with daring, Undespairing, Gives his card — his rank discloses — Little heeding This proceeding, They turn up their little noses. Pray observe this lesson vital — When a man of rank and title His position first discloses. Always cock your little noses. When at home, let all the class Try this in the looking-glass. (English girls of well-bred notions Shun all unrehearsed emotions, English girls of highest class Practise them before the glass.) His intentions Then he mentions. Something definite to go on — Makes recitals Of his titles. Hints at settlements, and so on. Smiling sweetly, They, discreetly, 513 How it's Done Ask for further evidences : Thus invited, He, dehghted. Gives the usual references. This is business. Each is fluttered When the offer's fairly uttered. " Which of them has his affection ? " He declines to make selection. Do they quarrel for his dross ? Not a bit of it — they toss ! Please observe this cogent moral — ■ English ladies never quarrel. When a doubt they come across, English ladies always toss. 514 A CLASSICAL REVIVAL At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention To revive the classic memories of Athens at its best, For my company possesses all the necessary dresses, And a course of quiet cramming will supply us with the rest. We've a choir hyporchematic (that is, ballet-operatic) Who respond to the choreutae of that cultivated age, And our clever chorus-master, all but captious criticaster, Would accept as the choregus of the early Attic stage. This return to classic ages is considered in their wages, Which are always calculated by the day or by the week — And I'll pay 'em (if they'll back me) all in oboloi and drachmae, Which they'll get (if they prefer it) at the Kalends that are Greek ! (At this juncture I may mention That this erudition sham Is but classical pretension, The result of steady " cram." : 51S A Classical Revival Periphrastic methods spurning, To my readers all discerning I admit this show of learning Is the fruit of steady " cram." !) In the period Socratic every dining-room was Attic (Which suggests an architecture of a topsy-turvy kind), There they'd satisfy their twist on a recherche cold apunov, Which is what they called their lunch — and so may you, if you're inclined. As they gradually got on, they'd rpiTrea-dai, wpos rhv ttotov (Which is Attic for a steady and a conscientious drink). But they mixed their wine with water — which I'm sure they didn't oughter — And we Anglo-Saxons know a trick worth two of that, I think ! Then came rather risky dances (under certain circumstances) Which would shock that worthy gentleman, the Licenser of Plays, Corybantian msmiac kick — Dionysiac or Bacchic — And the Dithyrambic revels of those indecorous days. (And perhaps I'd better mention Lest alarming you I am. That it isn't our intention To perform a Dithyramb — ■ It displays a lot of stocking. Which is always very shocking. And of course I'm only mocking At the prevalence of " cram.") Yes, on reconsideration, there are customs of that nation Which are not in strict accordance with the habits oi our day, And when I come to codify, their rules I mean to modify, Or Mrs. Grundy, p'r'aps, may have a word or two to say : For they hadn't macintoshes or umbrellas or goloshes — Si6 A Classical Revival And a shower with their dresses must have played the very deuce, And it must have been unpleasing when they caught a fit of sneezing, For, it seems, of pocket-handkerchiefs they didn't know the use. They wore little underclothing — scarcely anything — or no-thing — And their dress of Coan silk was quite transparent in design — Well, in fact, in summer weather,, something like the " altogether." And it's there, I rather fancy, I shall have to draw the line ! (And again I wish to mention That this erudition sham Is but classical pretension. The result of steady " cram." Yet my classic love aggressive, If you'll pardon the possessive. Is exceedingly impressive When you're passing an exam.) 517 THE STORY OF PRINCE AGIB Strike the concertina's melancholy string ' Blow the spirit-stirring harp like anything ! Let the piano's martial blast Rouse the echoes of the past, For of Agib, Prince of Tartary, I sing ! Of Agib, who, amid Tartaric scenes. Wrote a lot of ballet-music in his teens : His gentle spirit rolls In the melody of souls — Which is pretty, but I don't know what it means- Of Agib, who could readily, at sight. Strum a march upon the loud Theodolite. He would diligently play On the Zoetrope all day. And blow the gay Pantechnicon all night. Si8 The Story of Prince Agib One winter — I am shaky in my dates — Came two starving Tartar minstrels to his gates ; Oh, Allah be obeyed, How infernally they played ! I remember that they called themselves the " Oiiaits." Oh ! that day of sorrow, misery, and rage, I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age, Photographically lined On the tablet of my mind, When a yesterday has faded from its page ! Alas ! Prince Agib went and asked them in ; Gave them beer, and eggs, and sweets, and scent, and tin; And when (as snobs would say) They had "put it all away," He requested them to tune up and begin. Though its icy horror chill you to the core, I will tell you what I never told before — The consequences true Of that awful interview. For I listened at the keyhole in the door I They played him a sonata — let me see \ " Medulla oblongata " — key of G. Then they began to sing That extremely lovely thing, " Scherzando I ma non troppo, ppp." He gave them money, more than they could count. Scent from a most ingenious little fount. More beer in little kegs. Many dozen hard-boiled eggs, And goodies to a fabulous amount. 5^9 The Story of Prince Agib Now follows the dim horror of my tale, And I feel I'm growing gradually pale ; For even at this day, Though its sting has passed away, When I venture to remember it, I quail ! The elder of the brothers gave a squeal, All-overish it made me for to feel. " O Prince," he says, says he, " If a Prince indeed you be, I've a mystery I'm going to reveal ! " Oh, listen, if you'd shun a horrid death. To what the gent who's speaking to you saith : No ' OiJaits ' in truth are we. As you fancy that we be. For (ter-remble !) I am Aleck — this is Beth ! " S20 The Story of Prince Agib Said Agib, " Oh ! accursed of your kind, I have heard that ye are men of evil mind ! " Beth gave a dreadful shriek — But before he'd time to speak I was mercilessly collared from behind. In number ten or twelve, or even more. They fastened me, full length, upon the floor. On my face extended flat, I was walloped with a cat. For listening at the keyhole of a door. Oh ! the horror of that agonising thrill ! (I can feel the place in frosty weather still.) For a week from ten to four I was fastened to the floor, While a mercenary wopped me with a will ! 521 The Story of Prince Agib They branded me and broke me on a wheel, And they left me in an hospital to heal ; And, upon my solemn word, I have never, never heard What those Tartars had determined to reveal. But that day of sorrow, misery, and rage, I shall carry to the Catacombs of Age, Photographically lined On the tablet of my mind. When a yesterday has faded from its page ! 522 THE PRACTICAL JOKER Oh what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes ' What keen enjoyment springs From cheap and simple things ! What deep delight from sources trite inventive humour coaxes, That pain and trouble brew For every one but you ! Gunpowder placed inside its waist improves a mild Havanah, Its unexpected flash Burns eyebrows and moustache ; When people dine no kind of wine beats ipecacuanha, But common sense suggests You keep it for your guests — Then naught annoys the organ boys like throwing red-hot coppers. And much amusement bides In common butter-slides : And stringy snares across the stairs cause unexpected croppers. The Practical Joker Coal scuttles, recollect, Produce the same effect. A man possessed Of common sense Need not invest At great expense — It does not call For pocket deep, These jokes are all Extremely cheap. If you commence with eighteenpence (it's all you'll have to pay), You may command a pleasant and a most instructive day. A good spring gun. breeds endless fun, and makes men jump like rockets, And turnip-heads on posts Make very decent ghosts : Then hornets sting like anything, when placed in waist- coat pockets — Burnt cork and walnut juice Are not without their use. 524 The Practical Joker No fun compares with easy chairs whose seats are stuffed with needles — Live shrimps their patience tax When put down people's backs — Surprising, too, what one can do with fifty fat black beedles — And treacle on a chair Will make a Quaker swear ! Then sharp tin tacks And pocket squirts — And cobblers' wax For ladies' skirts — And slimy slugs On bedroom floors — And water jugs On open doors — Prepared with these cheap properties, amusing tricks to play. Upon a friend a man may spend a most delightful day .' 525 THE NATIONAL ANTHEM A MONARCH is pestered with cares, Though, no doubt, he can often trepan them ; But one comes in a shape he can never escape — The implacable National Anthem ! Though for quiet and rest he may yearn, It pursues him at every turn — No chance of forsaking Its rococo numbers; They haunt him when waking — They poison his slumbers — Like the Banbury Lady, whom every one knows. He's cursed with its music wherever he goes ! Though its words but imperfectly rhyme, And the devil himself couldn't scan them ; With composure polite he endures day and night That illiterate National Anthem ! 526 The National Anthem It serves a good purpose, I own : Its strains are devout and impressive — Its heart-stirring notes raise a lump in our throats As we burn with devotion excessive : But the King, who's been bored by that song From his cradle — each day — all day long — Who's heard it loud-shouted By throats operatic. And loyally spouted By courtiers emphatic — By soldier — by sailor — by drum and by fife — Small blame if he thinks it the plague of his life ! While his subjects sing loudly and long, Their King — who would willingly ban them— Sits, worry disguising, anathematising That Bogie, the National Anthem ! 5^7 JOE GOLIGHTLY OR, THE FIRST LORD'S DAUGHTER A TAR, but poorly prized. Long, shambling, and unsightly, Thrashed, bullied, and despised. Was wretched Joe Golightly. He bore a workhouse brand ; No Pa or Ma had claimed him, The Beadle found him, and The Board of Guardians named hiro. P'r'aps some Princess's son — A beggar p'r'aps his mother. He rather thought the one, /rather think the other. 528 Joe Golightly He liked his ship at sea, He loved the salt sea-water, He worshipped junk, and he Adored the First Lord's daughter. The First Lord's daughter, proud. Snubbed Earls and Viscounts nightly , She sneered at Barts. aloud, And spurned poor Joe Golightly. Whene'er he sailed afar Upon a Channel cruise, he Unpacked his light guitar And sang this ballad (Boosey) : Ballati tETje moon is on t\t scs, sntnaiu ! '^\z totnn IjIotBji totoarnsi rtjt \tt, rainoiu ! ■But tTjoiigl) 31 Sig^ auD jsoti ann ctp, JBo JLanp 3|ane for me, tKiHoSu ! %\t. sajs, " Ttaerc foHp unite, millotu! JFor ine to tucB a toig^t, rainolB ! W.\ait lot is cast icfote t^e masf'i ann possililj Slje's rigfjt, minoiB ! His skipper (Captain Joyce), He gave him many a rating. And almost lost his voice From thus expostulating: 529 2 M Joe Golightly " Lay aft, you lubber, do ! What's come to that young man, Joe? Belay ! — 'vast heaving ! you ! Do kindly stop that banjo ! " I wish, I do— O lor' !— You'd shipped aboard a trader : Are you a sailor or A negro serenader ? " But still the stricken lad, Aloft or on his pillow. Howled forth in accents sad His aggravating " Willow ! " Stern love of duty had Been Joyce's chiefest beauty ; Says he, " I love that lad, But duty, damme I duty ! " Twelve months' black-hole, I say. Where daylight never flashes ; And always twice a day A good six dozen lashes ! " 53° Joe Golightly But Joseph had a mate, A sailor stout and lusty, A man of low estate, But singularly trusty. Says he, " Cheer hup, young Joe ! I'll tell you what I'm arter — To that Fust Lord I'll go And ax him for his darter. " To that Fust Lord I'll go And say you love her dearly." And Joe said (weeping low), " I wish you would, sincerely ! ' That sailor to that Lord Went, soon as he had landed, And of his own accord An interview demanded. 531 Joe Golightly Says he, with seaman's roll, " My Captain (wot's a Tartar) Guv Joe twelve months' black-hole, For levering your darter. " He loves Miss Lady Jane (I own she is his betters). But if you'll jine them twain. They'll free him from his fetters. " And if so be as how You'll let her come aboard ship, I'll take her with me now." " Get out ! " remarked his Lordship. *^i^ ^ -^0?: That honest tar repaired To Joe upon the billow, And told him how he'd fared. Joe only whispered, "Willow!" 532 Joe Golightly And for that dreadful crime (Young sailors, learn to shun it) He's working out his time ; In six months he'll have done it 533 HER TERMS My wedded life Must every pleasure bring On scale extensive ! If I'm your wife I must have everything That's most expensive — A lady's-maid — (My hair alone to do I am not able) — And I'm afraid I've been accustomed to A first-rate table. These things one must consider when one marries — And everything I wear must come from Paris ! Oh, think of that ! Oh, think of that ! I can't wear anything that's not from Paris ! From top to toes Quite Frenchified I am, If you examine. And then — who knows ? — Perhaps some day a fam — Perhaps a famine ! My argument's correct, if you examine, What should we do, if there should come a f-famine i Though in green pea Yourself you needn't stint In July sunny. In Januaree It really costs a mint — A mint of money I 534 Her Terms No lamb for us — House lamb at Christmas sells At prices handsome : Asparagus, In winter, parallels A Monarch's ransom : When purse to bread and butter barely reaches, What is your wife to do for hot-house peaches ? Ah ! tell me that ! Ah ! tell me that ! What ts your wife to do for hot-house peaches ? Your heart and hand Though at my feet you lay, All others scorning ! As matters stand. There's nothing now to say Except — good morning ! Though virtue be a husband's best adorning. That won't pay rates and taxes — so, good morning ! S3S THE INDEPENDENT BEE A HIVE of bees, as I've heard say, Said to their Queen one sultry day, " Please your Majesty's high position. The hive is full and the weather is warm. We rather think, with a due submission. The time has come when we ought to swarm." Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Up spake their Queen and thus spake she — " This is a matter that rests with me. Who dares opinions thus to form ? Til tell you when it is time to swarm ! " Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. 536 The Independent Bee Her Majesty wore an angry frown, In fact, her Majesty's foot was down — Her Majesty sulked — declined to sup — In short, her-Majesty's back was up. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Her foot was down and her back was up ! That hive contained one obstinate bee (His name was Peter), and thus spake he — "Though every bee has shown white feather, To bow to tyranny I'm not prone — Why should a hive swarm all together ? Surely a bee can swarm alone ? " Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Upside down and inside out, Backwards, forwards, round about. Twirling here and twisting there, Topsy turvily everywhere — Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Pitiful sight it was to see Respectable elderly high-class bee. Who kicked the beam at sixteen stone. Trying his best to swarm alone ! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Trying his best to swarm alone ! The hive were shocked to see their chum (A strict teetotaller) teetotum — The Queen exclaimed, " How terrible, very ! It's perfectly clear to all the throng Peter's been at the old brown sherry. Old brown sherry is much too strong — Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. Of all who thus themselves degrade, A stern example must be made, S37 The Independent Bee To Coventry go, you tipsy bee ! " So off to Coventry town went he. Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. There, classed with all who misbehave, Both plausible rogue and noisome knave, In dismal dumps he lived to own The folly of trying to swarm alone ! Buzz, buzz, buzz, buzz. All came of trying to swarm alone. 538 TO THE TERRESTRIAL GLOBE BY A MISERABLE WRETCH Roll on, thou ball, roll on ! Through pathless realms of Space Roll on ! What though I'm in a sorry case ? What though I cannot meet my bills ? What though I suffer toothache's ills ? What though I swallow countless pills ? Never you mind ! Roll on ! Roll on, thou ball, roll on ! Through seas of inky air Roll on ! It's true I have no shirts to wear ; 539 To the Terrestrial Globe It's true my butcher's bill is due ; It's true my prospects all look blue — But don't let that unsettle you : Never you mind ! Roll on ' \It roils on. 540 ETIQUETTE ' The Ballyshannon foundered off the coast of Cariboo, And down in fathoms many went the captain and the crew ; Down went the owners — greedy men whom hope of gain allured : Oh, dry the starting tear, for they were heavily insured. 'Besides the captain and the mate, the owners and the The passengers -were also drowned excepting only two : Young Peter Gray, who tasted teas for Baker, Croop, AND Co., And SoMERS, who from Eastern shores imported indigo. ^ Reprinted from the Graphic, by permission of the proprietors. 541 Etiquette These passengers, by reason of their dinging to a mast, Upon a desert island were eventually cast. They hunted for their meals, as Alexander Selkirk used, But they couldn't chat together — they had not been intro- duced. For Peter Gray, and Somers too, though certainly in trade. Were properly particular about the friends they made ; And somehow thus they settled it without a word of mouth — That Gray should take the northern half, while Somers took the south. On Peter's portion oysters grew — a delicacy rare, But oysters were a delicacy Peter couldn't bear. On Somers' side was turtle, on the shingle lying thick, Which Somers couldn't eat, because it always made him_ sick. Gray gnashed his teeth with envy as he saw a mighty store Of turtle unmolested on his fellow-creature's shore : The oysters at his feet aside impatiently he shoved, For turtle and his mother were the only things he loved. And Somers sighed in sorrow as he settled in the south, For the thought of Peter's oysters brought the water to his mouth. He longed to lay him down upon the shelly bed, and stuiff: He had often eaten oysters, but had never had enough. How they wished an introduction to each other they had had When on board the Ballyshannon ! And it drove them nearly mad To think how very friendly with each other they might get, If it wasn't for the arbitrary rule of etiquette ! 542 Etiquette One da:)^ when out a-hunting for the mus ''ridiculus, Gray ovCTl^ard his fellow-man soliloquising thus : " I wonder Kbw the playmates of my youth are getting on, M'CoNNHtrfc, S. B. AValters, Paddy Byl-es, and Robin- 1 SON ? " These simple words made Peter as delighted as could be, Old chummies at the Charterhouse were Robinson and he! He walked straight up to Somers, then he turned ex- tremely red, Hesitated, hummed and hawed a bit, then cleared his throat, and said : 543 Etiquette " I beg your pardon — pray forgive me if I seem too bold, But you have breathed a name I knew familiarly of old. You spoke aloud of Robinson — I happened to be by — You know him'?" "Yes; extremely well." "Allow me —so do I ! " It was enough : they felt they could more sociably get on, For (ah, the magic of the fact !) they each knew Robinson ! And Mr. Somers' turtle was at Peter's service quite, And Mr. Somers punished Peter's oyster-beds all night. They soon became like brothers from community of wrongs : They wrote each other little odes and sang each other j songs ; They told each other anecdotes disparaging their wives ; On several occasions, too, they saved each other's lives. They felt quite melancholy when they parted for the night. And got up in the morning soon as ever it was light ; Each other's pleasant company they reckoned so upon. And all because it happened that they both knew Robinson ! They lived for many years on that inhospitable shore, And day by day they learned to love each other more and more. At last, to their astonishment, on getting up one day. They saw a vessel anchored in the ofifing of the bay ! To Peter an idea occurred. " Suppose we cross the main ? So good an opportunity may not occur again." And Somers thought a minute, then ejaculated, " Done ! I wonder how my business in the City's getting on ? " 544 Etiquette "But stay," said Mr. Peter: "when in England, as you know, I earned a living tasting teas for Baker, Croop, and Co., I may be superseded — my employers think me dead ! " " Then come with me," said Somers, " and taste indigo _ instead." But all their plans were scattered in a moment when they found The vessel was a convict ship from Portland, outward bound ! When a boat came off to fetch them, though they felt it very kind. To go on board they firmly but respectfully declined. As both the happy settlers roared with laughter at the joke. They recognised. an unattractive fellow pulling stroke: S4S 2 N Etiquette 'Twas Robinson — a convict, in an unbecoming frock ! Condemned to seven years for misappropriating stock ! ! ! Tiiey laughed no more, for Somers thought he had been rather rash In knowing one whose friend had misappropriated cash ; And Peter thought a foolish tack he must have gone upon In making the acquaintance of a friend of Robinson. At first they didn't quarrel very openly, I've heard ; They nodded when they met, and now and then exchanged a word : The word grew rare, 'and rarer still the nodding of -the head, (___ And when they meet each other now, they cut each other dead. To allocate the island they agreed by word of mouth. And Peter takes the north again, and Somers takes the \ south ; \ And Peter has the oysters, which he loathes with horror grim. And Somers has the turtle — turtle disagrees with him. 546 THE DISCONCERTED TENOR A TENOR, all singers above (This doesn't admit of a question), Should keep himself quiet, Attend to his diet, And carefully nurse his digestion. But when he is madly in love, It's certain to tell on his singing — You can't do chromatics With proper emphatics When anguish your bosom is wringing ! When distracted with worries^ in plenty. And his pulse is a hundred and twenty, And his fluttering bosom the slave of mistrust is, A tenor can't do himself justice. Now observe — [sings a high note) — ■ You see, I can't do myself justice ! 547 The Uisconcerted I'enor I could sing, if my fervour were mock, It's easy enough if you're acting , But when one's emotion Is born of devotion, You mustn't be over-exacting. One ought to be firm as a rock To venture a shake in vibrato ; When fervour's expected. Keep cool and collected, Or never attempt agitato. But, of course, when his tongue is of leather. And his lips appear pasted together, And his sensitive palate as dry as a crust is, A tenor can't do himself justice. Now observe — {sings a cadence) — It's no use — I can't do myself justice ! 548 BEN ALLAH ACHMET ; OR, THE FATAL TUM I ONCE did know a Turkish man Whom I upon a two-pair-back met, His name it was Effendi Khan Backsheesh Pasha Ben Allah Achmet. A Doctor Brown I also knew — I've often eaten of his bounty ; The Turk and he they lived at Hooe, In Sussex, that delightful county ! I knew a nice young lady there, Her name was Emily Macpherson, And though she wore another's hair, She was an interesting person. The Turk adored the maid of Hooe (Although his harem would have shocked her). But Brown adored that maiden too : He was a most seductive doctor. 549 Ben Allah Achmet They'd follow her where'er she'd go — ■ A course of action most improper; She neither knew by sight, and so For neither of them cared a copper. Brown did not know that Turkish male, He might have been his sainted mother : The people in this simple tale Are total strangers to each other. One day that Turk he sickened sore, And suffered agonies oppressive ; He threw himself upon the floor And rolled about in pain excessive. It made him moan, it made him groan. And almost wore him to a mummy. Why should I hesitate to own That pain was in his httle tummy ? At length a doctor came, and rung (As All.\h Achmet had desired), Who felt his pulse, looked up his tongue, And hemmed and hawed, and then inquired : " Where is the pain that long has preyed Upon you in so sad a way, sir ? " The Turk he giggled, blushed, and said : "I don't exactly like to say, sir." " Come, nonsense ! " said good Doctor Brown. " So this is Turkish coyness, is it ? You must contrive to fight it down — Come, come, sir, please to be explicit." 5.SO Ben Allah Achmet The Turk he shyly bit his thumb, And coyly blushed like one half-witted, " The pain is in my little turn," He, whispering, at length admitted. "Then take you this, and take you that — Your blood flows sluggish in its channel — You must get rid of all this fat, And wear my medicated flannel. "You'll send for me when you're in need — My name is Brown — your life I've saved it." "My rival !<" shrieked the invalid. And drew a mighty sword and waved it : " This to thy weazand. Christian pest ! " Aloud the Turk in frenzy yelled it, And drove right through the doctor's chest The sabre and the hand that held it. The blow was a decisive one. And Doctor Brown grew deadly pasty, " Now see the mischief that you've done — You Turks are so extremely hasty. .■SSI Ben Allah Achmet " There are two Doctor Browns in Hooe — He's short and stout, I'm tall and wizen ; You've been and run the wrong one through, That's how the error has arisen." The accident was thus explained, Apologies were only heard now : " At my mistake I'm really pained — • I am, indeed — upon my word now. " With me, sir, you shall be interred, A mausoleum grand awaits me." " Oh, pray don't say another word, I'm sure that more than compensates me. " But p'r'aps, kind Turk, you're full inside ? " "There's room," said he, "for any number." And so they laid them down and died. In proud Stamboul they sleep their slumber. 552 THE PLAYED-OUT HUMORIST Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is, Who seeks for jocularities that haven't yet been said. The world has joked incessantly for over fifty centuries. And every joke that's possible has long ago been made. I started as a humorist with lots of mental fizziness. But humour is a drug which it's the fashion to abuse ; For my stock-in-trade, my fixtures, and the goodwill of the business No reasonable offer I am likely to refuse. And if anybody choose He may circulate the news That no reasonable offer I'm likely to refuse. Oh happy was that humorist — the first that made a pun at all — Who when a joke occurred to him, however poor and mean. Was absolutely certain that it never had been done at all — How popular at dinners must that humorist have been ! 553 The Played-out Humorist Oh the days when some stepfather for the query held a handle out, The door-mat from the scraper, is it distant very far ? And when no one knew where Moses was when Aaron blew the candle out, And no one had discovered that a door could be a-jar ! But your modern hearers are In their tastes particular. And they sneer if you inform them that a door can be a-jar ! In search of quip and quiddity, I've sat all day, alone, apart — And all that I could hit on as a problem was — to find Analogy between a scrag of mutton and a Bony-part, Which offers slight employment to the speculative mind : For you cannot call it very good, however great your charity — It's not the sort of humour that is greeted with a shout — And I've come to the conclusion that my mine of jocularity, In present Anno Domini, is worked completely out ! Though the notion you may scout, I can prove beyond a doubt That my mine of jocularity, is utterly worked out SS4 INDEX TO FIRST LINES A Bishop once — I will not name his see . A British tar is a soaring soul A clergyman in Berkshire dwelt A gentleman of City fame A hive of bees, as I've heard say . A lady fair, of lineage high . A leafy cot, where no dry rot Although of native maids the cream A magnet hung in a hardware shop A maiden sat at her window wide . A man who would woo a fair maid A monarch is pestered with cares . A more humane Mikado never An actor — Gibbs, of Drury Lane . An actor sits in doubtful gloom An elderly person — a prophet by trade . An excellent soldier who's worthy the name A proud Pasha was Bailey Ben . A rich advowson, highly prized As some day it may happen that a victim must be found At a pleasant evening party I had taken down to supper A tar, but poorly prized ..... A tenor, all singers above ... A Troubadour he played ..... At the outset I may mention it's my sovereign intention A wonderful joy our eyes to bless .... SSS' 484 204 309 138 536 123 294 482 153 454 209 526 388 391 508 114 399 242 3S6 99 58 528 547 51 515 499 Index to First Lines Babette she was a fisher gal . Bedecked in fashion trim Bob Polter was a navvy, and Bold-faced ranger Braid the raven hair Brightly dawns our wedding day 76 471 176 512 "3 Si Come, collar this bad man Come mighty Must ! Come with me, little maid ! Comes a train of little ladies Comes the broken flower 440 367 24 254 329 Dalilah de Dardy adored ....... 64 Dr. Belville was regarded as the Crichton of his age . 146 Earl Joyce he was a kind old party Emily Jane was a nursery maid 229 405 Fear no unlicensed entry First you're born — and I'll be bound you From east and south the holy clan . Gentle, modest, little flower . Good children, list, if you're inclined Haunted ? Ay, in a social way He is an Englishman ! . He loves ! If in the bygone years I am the very pattern of a modern Major-Gineral I cannot tell what this love may be . . . If my action's stiff and crude If you give me your attention, I will tell you what I am If you're anxious for to shine in the high oesthetic line, as of culture rare ...... If you want a receipt for that popular mystery I go away, this blessed day ..... I have a song to sing, O ! . 431 487 108 122 221 39 13 453 42 169 480 271 49 348 182 Index to First Lines I knew a boor — a clownish card . I know a youth who loves a little maid . I love a man who'll smile and joke I'm old, my dears, and shrivelled with age, and grief In all the towns and cities fair In enterprise of martial kind . I often wonder whether you . I once did know a Turkish man I shipped, d'ye see, in a Revenue sloop . I sing a legend of the sea Is life a boon ?..... I stole the Prince, and I brought him here It's my opinion — though I own It was a Bishop bold It was a robber's daughter, and her name was I've often thought that headstrong youths I've painted Shakespeare all my life . I've wisdom from the East and from the West John courted lovely Mary Ann . King Borria Bungalee Boo .... Letters, letters, letters, letters ! List while the poet trolls Lord B. was a nobleman bold Macphairson Clonglocketty Angus M'Clan Mr. Blake was a regular out-and-out hardened sinner My boy, you may take it from me . My wedded life . No nobler captain ever trod . Now, Jurymen, hear my advice Now, Marco, dear .... O'er unreclaimed suburban clay Of all the good attorneys who 557 work, and Alice Brown 87 361 383 214 131 262 376 549 6 273 38 26 473 44 205 164 287 299 28 155 501 8 475 i8s 256 458 534 492 411 345 148 125 Index to First Lines Of all Ihe ships upon the blue Of all the youths I ever saw . Oh ! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon Oh, big was the bosom of brave Alum Bey Oh, foolish fay ..... Oh, gentlemen, listen, I pray Oh ! is there not one maiden breast Oh ! listen to the tale of little Annie Protheroe . Oh, listen to the tale of Mister William, if you please Oh, list to this incredible tale .... Oh ! little maid ! — (I do not know your name Oh ! my name is John Wellington Wells Oh, that my soul its gods could see . . Oh, what a fund of joy jocund lies hid in harmless hoaxes Old Peter led a wretched life On all Arcadia's sunny plain . On a tree by a river a little tomtit . Once a fairy ..... Only a dancing girl .... PAGE I 94 i6i 317 32 136 143 280 235 171 82 211 71 523 413 433 354 446 14 Perhaps already you may know Policeman Peter Forth I drag Prithee, pretty maiden — prithee, tell me true , 426 193 397 Quixotic is his enterprise, and hopeless his adventure is 553 Rising early in the morning Roll on, thou ball, roll on ! 119 539 Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year Sighing softly to the river Sir Guy was a doughty crusader Small titles and orders . ... Society has quite forsaken all her wicked courses Some seven men form an Association Some time ago, in simple verse Sorry her lot who loves too well Spurn not the nobly born .... Strike the concertina's melancholy string ! 22 219 34 84 497 490 338 286 3°7 518 Index to First Lines Take a pair of sparkling eyes The air is charged with amatory numbers The Ballyshannon foundered off the coast of Cariboo The bravest names for fire and flames The eartli has armies plenty . The law is the true embodiment The other night, from cares exempt There grew a little flower There lived a King, as I've been told The Reverend Micah Sowls There were three niggers of Chickeraboo The story of Frederick Gowler The sun was setting in its wonted west The Sun, whose rays . They intend to send a wire . This is Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo To a garden full of posies Try we life-long, we can never 'Twas on the shores that round our coast Two better friends you wouldn't pass PAGE 175 92 541 18 248 191 368 418 424 467 200 301 460 56 106 324 130 466 lOI 363 Vast, empty shell ! 144 Weary at heart and extremely ill Were I a king in very truth .... Were I thy bride . . ... What time the poet hath hymned . When a felon's not engaged in his employment When all night long a chap remains When a merry maiden marries When Britain really ruled the waves Whene'er I poke sarcastic joke When first my old, old love I knew When I first put this uniform on . When I, good friends, was called to the Bar . When I was a lad I served a term . When I went to the Bar as a very young man . When maiden loves, she sits and sighs . When man and maiden meet, I like to see a drooping eye 559 265 504 374 445 63 292 198 74 69 439 322 315 227 278 255 330 Index to First Lines PAGE When rival adorers come courting a maid . . . 420 When the buds are blossoming ..... 403 When the night wind howls in the chimney cowls, and the bat in the moonlight ilies . . . 381 When you find you're a broken-down critter .... 5°6 When you're lying awake with a, dismal headache, and repose is taboo'd by anxiety ... . . 335 Would you know the kind of maid . . , . 240 560 ALPHABETICAL INDEX TO TITLES PAGE ^Esthete, The 271 Ah Me ! . 25s Anglicised Utopia 497 Annie Protheroe 280 Ape and the Lady, The 123 Appeal, An 143 At a Pantomime 508 A Worm will Turn . 383 Babette's Love 76 Baby's Vengeance, The 26s Baffled Grumbler, The 69 Baines Carew, Gentleman . 125 Ben Allah Achmet ; or, the Fatal Turn 549 Bishop and the 'Busman, The 44 Bishop of Rum-ti-Foo, The 108 Bishopof Rum-ti-Foo Again, The ... 376 Blue Blood 307 Bob Polter 176 Braid the Raven Hair 113 Brave Alum Bey 317 PAGE British Tar, The . . 204 BumboatWoman'sStory, The 214 Captain and the Mermaids. The Captain Reece Classical Revival, A Coming By-and-By, The Contemplative Sentry, The Cunning Woman, The Damon v. Pythias Darned Mounseer, The Disagreeable Man, The Disconcerted Tenor, The Discontented Sugar Broker, Disillusioned Don't Forget ! . Duke and the Duchess, The Duke of Plaza-Toro, The Eheu Fugaces — ! Ellen M'Jones Aberdeen 561 2 O 273 I 22 292 433 363 6 16 547 138 71 345 84 262 92 185 Alphabetical Index to Titles Emily, John, James, and I English Girl, An Englishman, The Etiquette Fairy Curate, The Fairy Queen's Song, The Family Fool, The . Ferdinando and Elvira ; or, the Gentle Pieman Fickle Breeze, The . First Lord's Song, The First Love Folly of Brown, The Force of Argument, The General John . Gentle Alice Brown . Ghosts' High Noon, The Ghost, the Gallant, the Gael, and the Goblin, The Girl Graduates Good Little Girls Great Oak Tree, The Gregory Parable, LL.D. . Haughty Actor, The Haunted He and She Heavy Dragoon, The He Loves ! Her Terms Highly Respectable Gondo- lier, The . PAGE 405 499 13 541 446 32 161 58 219 227 309 87 475 18 205 381 148 106 482 418 294 391 39 361 49 453 534 26 PAGE Hongree and Mahry . 460 House of Peers, The • 74 How it's Done 512 Humane Mikado, The . 388 Independent Bee, The • 536 Is Life a Boon ? • 38 Joe Golightly ; or, the First Lord's Daughter . 528 John and Freddy . . 28 Judge's Song, The . • 3^5 King Borria Bungalee Boo . 155 King Goodheart . . 424 King of Canoodle-dum, The 301 Lieutenant-Colonel Flare . 248 Life . . . . 487 Life is Lovely all the Year . 403 Limited Liability 490 Little Oliver . 229 Lorenzo de Lardy 64 Lost Mr. Blake 256 Love-sick Boy, The . 439 Magnet and the Churn, The 153 Manager's Perplexities, A . 504 Man who would Woo a Fair Maid, A . . 209 Martinet, The . . 338 Merry Madrigal, A . . 81 Merryman and his Maid, The 182 562 Alphabetical Index to Titles PAGE PAGE Mighty Must, The . 367 Put a Penny in the Slot 480 Mirage, A • 374 Mister William • 235 Recipe, A 175 Modern Major-General, The 42 Reverend Micah Sowls, The 467 Modest Couple, The • 330 Reverend Simon Magus, The 356 My Dream . 368 Reward of Merit, The 146 My Lady 471 Rival Curates, The . 8 Mystic Selvagee, The . 426 Rover's Apology, The 136 National Anthem, The Nightmare, A . 526 335 Said I to Myself, Said I Sailor Boy to his Lass, The Sans Souci 278 348 169 Old Paul and Old Tim One against the World Only a Dancing Girl Only Roses Out of Sorts . 420 473 14 130 506 Sensation Captain, The Sir Barnaby Bampton Boo Sir Guy the Crusader Sir Macklin Sleep on ! Solatium 492 324 34 94 431 329 Sorcerer's Song, The 211 Pantomime " Super " to his Sorry her Lot . 286 Mask, The 144 Speculation 254 Pasha Bailey Ben 242 Story of Prince Agib, The 518 Perils of Invisibility, The 413 Suicide's Grave, The 354 Periwinkle Girl, The 164 Susceptible Chancellor, The 191 Peter the Wag . '93 Phantom Curate, The 484 Tangled Skein, The . 466 Philosophic Pill, The 299 Tempora Mutantur . SOI Phrenology 440 They'll None of 'em be Played-out Humorist, The SS3 Missed 99 Poetry Everywhere . 445 Thomas Winterboltom Hance 131 Policeman's Lot, The 63 Thomson Green and Harrie Practical Joker, The 523 Hale 171 Precocious Baby, The 114 Three Kings of Chickera Proper Pride . 56 boo. The . 200 563 Alphabetical index to lities PAGE PAGE To a Little Maid 24 Way of Wooing, The 454 To my Bride . 82 When a Merry Maiden To Phoebe 122 Marries igS To the Terrestrial Globe . 539 When I First Put this Uni Troubadour, The 51 form On 322 True Diffidence 458 Willow Waly ! 397 Two Majors, The . 399 Working Monarch, The 119 Two Ogres, The 221 Would you Know ? . 240 Unfortunate Likeness, An . 287 Yarn of the "Nancy Bell,' Usher's Charge, The 411 The lOI THE END Printed in Great Britain by R. & R. Clark, Limited, Ii-Jinhnro^t,