CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME OF THE SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND GIVEN IN 1 89 1 BY HENRY WILLIAMS SAGE DATE DUE E P JI» Mj •J^ 'W^ n^ftl *i?'i*lW*-*tJl*l .^^ ■■^^ ^*«^w "*•' :>- .i> -." " ■ DA 688.W25H6""ltSr """'^ "''*iSmm«!mJi^SII^?,«S}!!SiS>..Oh..m cit 3 1924 028 075 293 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. Of this re-issue only §00 copies have been printed, and type distributed. Ao. F. M. THE HISTORY OF THE LONDON CLUBS. OR, THE CITIZENS' PASTIME, PARTICULARLY THE LYING CLUB ^ THE BROKEN SHOP- THE YORKSHIRE CLUB THE THIEVES' CLUB THE BEGGARS' CLUB KEEPERS' CLUB THE BASKET WOMENS' CLUB Part I. By the Author of the London Spy. ■ London, Printed by J. Dutten, Near Fleet Street, 1709. (\i^iii\ PREFACE. THE scarcity of Edward (commonly called "Ned") %^ard's works is too well-known to need comment : but it was his " London Spy " which established his fame as an author. This has now become so rare that only the wealthy are able to acquire a copy at all. It is, however, questionable whether his "Secret History of London Clubs," 1709 (of which a new limited edition is here offered for private subscription), is not even of greater rarity, for whilst the " London Spy " can boast of several editions in addition to the original folio of 1698- 1700, there was but the solitary issue of the "London Clubs," and a copy would to-day realise an extravagant sum, even at auction. All collectors of books on London Antiquities will therefore welcome this limited re-issue of Ned Ward's curious work on extinct London clubs in default of that rara avis the original, which is now almost impossible to procure. It was a wretched typographical effort, in the crude chap-book style, with two curious blocks (which have been re-produced for this edition in exact fac-simile) and abounded with compositors' errors of all descriptions. The matter given, however, forms a valuable and noteworthy link in the chain of "London Life" at the beginning of the last century, and in its present readable form it will doubtless readily find a place amongst "London" collections where the existence even of the original was previously unknown. Though Ned Ward, as was the custom in his day, sometimes waxed unnecessarily gross in his language, still as the poet Campbell says in his " JSssays on English Poetry:" — "His descriptions are humorous, curious, and full of life, and are worth preserving as delinea- tions of the manners of the time." F. M. Cornell University Library The original of this book is in the Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924028075293 THE SECRET HISTORY OF THE LONDON CLUBS, &c. OF all unlawful Societies or Clubs by what Name or Title so-ever dignified or distinguished, the Lying one ought to have the preference ; because it is the Spring and Fountain from whence all the rest have their very being, and for that Reason, the Lying Club shall command the first Troop of Guards in this expedition. This Antient Society has been reviv'd and held in several Parts of this Great City, but now remov'd to a Certain Tavern in Westminster: where Sir Harry Flunt, a witty and famous Gentleman in the Art of Mendatiloquence, gained by Foreign Travels, has establisht and brought it to Perfection ; so that on Tuesday Night last the Club was open'd, at which Sir Harry the Chairman began with this strange story. Gentlemen, being Nine Years ago a Factor in the East Indies having a little spare time, I had a mind to go a Fishing ; and accordingly taking one of the Indies to bear me Company, we at last came to a large River where he told me was plenty of great Fish ; so that walking by the Banks to find out a shady Place to keep us from the scorching Heat, I got among a Bed of Osiers, where I enter'd upon my Pastime, and immediately got a Bite ; but as ill Luck would have it, having a Feathered Capon, much worn in that country, as my Nod was moving among the Osiers, a swinging Hawk, which are indeed very large in these Parts, hovering over ray Head and taking my 8 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. Feather'd Cap to be some strange Sort of Bird came swop down, and made such a furious stroak at me, that I thought for a Minute or two she had left my Shoulders Headless ; under which surprise I dropt my Angle=-Rod, and so lost my Fish, but coming by degrees to my self I began. to (feel) my Ears, to feel whether I had a Head on, and in groping after that, I found I had only lost my Cap, being amazed I upwarns at a considerable distance, and saw my Feather'd Thief on the Wing towards the nest Wood, I suppose to examine into his Booty. However, having no great Damage, I stood again to my Tackle, but remembering the Sports-Man's saying Ware Hawk, I kept my eyes about me, for fear the Hungry Raparee who snatched away my Cap, should come again for my Head, which as empty as it is, I was unwilling to spare. I had not long return'd to my Pastime, before I had another Bite, which prov'd so heavy that the Indian was forc'd to go into the water to fetch it out and much a do he had to perform it : It prov'd a great Fish indeed, who had so gorg'd my Hook, that I was forc'd to cut him open, in doing of which I found that the least of the Seven Fish had first taken the Bait, and was swallow'd by a bigger, those two by ii third, and the three by a fourth, and the fourth by a fifth, the fifth by a sixth, and these by an over- grown large one ; so that I caught a Nest of Seven Fish one within another at one fortunate stroke, to make myself amends for the loss of my Cap : But going homewards to my great suprise, my Cap, which I had lost in so odd a manner, came tumbling down out of the Are, and chuckt as close to my Noddle as a new Hat fitted on by an English Haberdasher, which I had found to be the same individual Cap, which the Hawk had robb'd me of; so that putting on my Feather'd Mounteer, I was well pleas'd I had THE LYING CLUB. 9 met with so good a Bird of Prey, that had much more honesty than some of my Fellow Creatures. Upon the conclusion of which Story, Sir, Harry Flunt said. Had not the Hawk been so civil as to return you your Cap, I would have given you mine ; Jor I think j ou deserve, for the Wonders you have told us, all the Caps in the Company. UpOn which another began thus, My Father (says he) being a Derbyshire Gentle- man, happen'd to have an old Seat near the Peak, behind the House there is a Well so very deep, that in the late Rebellion he & most of his Neighbours cast the best of their Goods & Treasure to preserve them from Plunder; but when the Wars were ended, every one was willing to have his own, & thereupon endeavoured to fish it out agein ; but again ; but upon tryal the Well was found so deep, that all the Cart Ropes in the Country ty'd together was not long enough to Fathom it : Upon which my Father sent to London for a Waggon Load of Hemp & had it spun into a strong Line to reach the bottom of it ; and in the nature of a Draw Well placed a Bucket as large as a Gravesend Tilt-Boat, furnishing it with a Feather- Bed, a Runlet of Derby-Ale, a Peak-Loaf, Cheshire Cheese, Pipes, Candles, & Tobacco, & offered Five Pound to any Body that would embark on this Expedition, and venture to Travel to the end of this Infernal Thoroughfair ; but none would take it in Hand but a Scotch Pedlar, who being robb'd of all his goods at a Fair, accepted of the offer, on con- dition of receiving lo Shillings in Hand ; having agreed, he presently undertook his Journey, swear- ing that were it the Fundament of Hell, & the Devil stood at the Door, he would earn the Money. So that the Pedlar stept into the Cabbin with his empty Wallet on his Shoulder, and was let down by TO SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. degrees for two Days & two Nights, & then slacken'd, from whence we concluded he was arriv'd at the bottom, where we suffer'd him to remain the best part of a Day to gather the riches ; at last we found him to give the Rope a pull, as an Item of his willing- ness to return. So that drawing him up, out stept the Scotchman with his Pack upon his Back, very richly laden with Muslins, Callicoes, &c., but not one bit of the Treasure he div'd for ; & being asked what was become of it, he answer'd what had been put in on one side of the Globe, was taken up on the other, so that every one was forc'd to be content with their losses. But being again asked how he came by the Muslins, &c., he said when he came into the World below, he happ'ned to find a Company of Indian Weavers at a Fair, of whom he bought good Penny- worths, so that opening his Pack among them, the Spectators out of Curiosity bought all his Ware, even at his own prices, insomuch, that the Scotch- man desired leave to go to Market a second time ; but my Father being a covetous Man, rejected his Motion resolving to go himself, but the Rope breaking in the middle of the Descent, let him drop to his journey's end beyond all recovery : so that I lost my Father but got the Estate, and am now come to London to offer this new-found Passage upon reasonable terms to the East India Company. In these sorts of Merry Jests and Extravagant Fables, the Rhodomantading Society used to spin out their Club Hours, judging the largeness of a Man's Sense by the magnitude of his Lyes ; which are now so common that they are got into every Tradesman's Shop, insomuch that scarce any Commodities can be purchased without 'em. According to the Poet, THE YORKSHIRE CLUB. II PVkaf tM of Hellish Race, A thousand butiful Truths as some do hold, would then arise, dr" the first Lye was by the Which now are stopt by Devil told f necessary Lies I Yet should the Art of Then why should busy Lying be supprest. Mortals be enjoyn^d, 6^ used no morein Earnest To follow Truth, since in or in Jest, this Age we find Officious Lyes so useful to Mankind. THE YORKSHIRE CLUB. THIS Accute Society (I hope the Religion Menders of London will pardon the expression) was held at one of their County Houses in the Rounds in Smithfield, upon every Market Day, to exercise their cunning on the credulous Bubbles of this half-witted City, who play the Knave too foolishly, that the Northern Tikes think no more of the biting now and then of a Head off, than a Monkey does in cracking of a Nut, or a Whore of picking a Drunken Man's Pocket. The most flourishing Members in this Whipshire Community are Needle Pointed Inn-Keepers, Rich and Froth Victuallers, honest Horse Coursers, and pious Yorkshire Attorneys, the rest good harmless Master Hostlers, who us'd to measure their Oats with the bottom of their Pecks upwards, and two or three innocent Farriers who Worm'd their Masters out of their Shops, and themselves into their Business. When they are met together in the Room next the Market, Horse Flesh for certain is the first Subject that is started in the Company, and blind Eyes, 12 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. Spavins, and Glanders, are the never failing talk that illustrates their Discourse. After the Business of the Day is over, and every cunning Member has toped his Jade upon some Bubble or other, then the Yorkshire Stingo is push'd briskly about, and ev'ry one o'er his Cups begins merrily to expiate upon the Windgales, and Infirmities of the several dull Animals they have so luckily disposed of, who perhaps had as many Faults as a Rigid Fanatick is able to find in the Church Liturgy, and scarce so soune as an over-ridden Strumpet, while the Friendly Society are ready to swear for one another, and warrant a Lame Horse to have as sound Limbs as ever run upon Newmarket Heath ; and a Blind Jade to have as good eyes as Sir William Read, the Oculist. Being all equally pleas'd that they have brought their Horses, instead of their Hogs, to so good a Market. When after the Healths had been bos'd about for some Hours, they began to Rattle and fall foul of one another, and after a bantering manner to upbraid their Brethren with their Pack-Horse Journies, and Penniless Progress out of a sharp Air into a thieving Climate. Marry, cries one to his next Brother, you have thriven well to rise from liquoring Carriers' dirty Boots to be the proud Landlord of the best Inn in Smithfield. Pough — is that all. I did not rob my Father of his Bridle, my Uncle of his Boots, my Brother of his Spurs, and then steel a Horse from my next Neighbour to bring me to London, and sell him for money to buy me a clean Shirt, a new Fork, and a Stable Broom, to sweep an Inn yard for fat scraps, and the bottom of Mugs, till you go to be Ostler, and from thence raised yourself by stealing of Oats, till you were able to lay down the Dung-Fork and Curry-Comb to make yourself master of a topping Victualling House. By the Mass, cries a fat Attorney to a weather- THE YORKSHIRE CLUB. 1 3 beaten Horse Courser, Times are well amended with you, since your Mother used to send you to Franton's stables to pick Oats out of the Horse-Dung to make Oat-Meal Puddings for your Father, against he came home from Sheep-stealing. Marry hang you, replies the Jockey, how many times hath your Mother sent you to pick the wool off other People's hedges, for your Sister to knit Nig Caps for the old Cuchold your Father. Thus when in their Cups they sit Bantering one another between Jest and Earnest till with Talk and much Liqour, their Tongues and Legs, but not their Cunning begin to fail them ; and all Blunder down- stairs, from the Rich Prosperous Knave to the poor clouted Understrapper, and withoutside the Grundsil mutually take leave of one another, and so stagger home to their Inns, Bars, and Stables, to exercise their Cunning Tricks till the very next Merry Meeting. Thus some from Cart, and & when in London, where some from Phugh, &" some from living God One Brute fells f other as knows how, his own, With brawny Buttocks, &" thus each Rider's Horse cas'd with Leather or Mare, &» Latchets ty'd with The charges of Journey Thongs together, bear, Fly from their Northern So men tho' pressed to Hungry Air, leave the nation, To quit Oat Bread for Ssf' forced, to pay their better fare transportation ; Some Tyke on Gennets 6^ Ladies, when their make their way, Beaus bestride 'em. Borrowed by Night from Are glad to treat the Fools (Grass or Hay. that ride 'em. 14 SECRET HISTORY OK LONDON CLUBS. THE THIEVES' CLUB. THIS Tyburn-looked Society of Desperado's, who commonly have the Fortune to wear their Destiny in their Faces, formerly kept their Club at a certain Tavern not far from Flat Ditch, but now remov'd to a more obscure Place on the North West side of London : where a remarkable Thief-Taker can help anybody to their stolen goods, provided the gratitude the loser ofifer'd amounted to about half the value of what the Raparees had depriv'd him of; which is commonly as the Rogues with Safety are able to make of their Booty, because the Receivers, who either buy or lend money upon such Cargoes, always guess by their Chapmen how honestly they are come by, & therefore will not deal without reasonable advantage. This Thief Takers House take their Sanctuary- at, & both Day & Night at his Tipling Tenement, where the Society of the Devil's operators project their Hellish Roguries, & what they got over the Devil's Back, they spend under his Belly. Thus all sorts of Villanies are daily harbour'd under this unhallow'd Roof, by him who knows their Practices, till they foolishly waste what they have villainously gotten ; & if any of 'em grow lazy, & don't exercise their Tallent, their Master the Thief- Taker will take him up and hang him out of their way as a worthless scoundrel who was only a dabler in a misery that he knew not how to live by. Just so reforming, stables But if she once grows poor protect, through ivant of Trade The Harlot that can bribe In triumph then they Flog as they expect the Needy Jade. Then amidst their Jollity, when the Power of Bacchus had forc'd open Hell's Cabbins, one to make THE thieves' club. 1 5 a Jest of his Villiany, wou'd merrily discover that he once Robb'd an old Lady of three Hundred Pound by the Confederacy of one of his Misses, who was got in to be Chamber Maid, & would Mimick how heartily the old Granny begg'd, at Fourscore that she might not be Ravish'd. Another to show his Gallantry, would boast how three of them stopp'd Five Gentlemen upon the Road, robb'd Four of them, & the other being an old Parson, they drag'd Him into a Wood, & told him if he would preach a Sermon to them, he should go unrifled. I thank you reply'd the Parson ; but 'tis a little too short a Warning for a good Sermon, however, I will do the best I can, which said one of the Rogues was to this effect. Gentlemen, You are the most like the old Apostles of any Men in the World, for they were Wanderers upon the Earth, & so are you. They had neither Lands nor Tenements they could call their own, neither as I presume, have you. They were despis'd of all but their own Profession, & so I believe are you : They were often hurr'd into Gaols and Prisons, were persecuted by the People, & endured great Hardships, all which Circumstances, I presume, have been undergone by you ; Their Profession brought them all to Untimely Death, & so will yours bring you, if you continue in your Courses. But Beloved (with permission) in this Point, you will mightily differ from the Apostles, for they from the Tree ascended into Heaven & thither I fear you will hardly ever come ; & as their Deaths were recom- pensed with Eternal Glory, yours will be rewarded with Eternal Shame & Misery, unless you mend your Manners. Upon which Harrangue the Man of God was dismist, with Thanks for his favourable Com- parisons. And thus they made a Jest of those wicked Villanies, that they ought to blush every time they speak of 'em much more Boast and Glory in. i6 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. For he that will no Human Laws obey. Will nier be anfd by what the Priest can say. But harden'd in his Ills, will still Rebel, And hazard Life and Heaven instead of Hell. . Let it, O Youth, be then thy early Care Therefore the only way to be secure &' keep an honest reputa- tion pure To truly know what thy Companions are. That from the Bad thou mafst select the Good, &= shun the Poys'nous • Converse of the Lude, For he that rowls in Net- tles man be stung. Nor Can the Fool be clean that wades in dung. Is to show wisely, it is your Care to be Distinguished by your Vir- tuous Company. THE BEGGARS' CLUB. THIS Society of Old Bearded Hypocrites, Wooden-legg'd Implorers of Charity, Strolling Clapperdageons, Limping Dissemblers, Sham disabled Seamen, Blind Gunpowder-blasted Mumpers, & old broken Limb'd Labourers, hold their weekly Meet- ing at a famous Boozing Ken in the midst of Old St. where by the vertue of sound tipple, pretenders to the dark are restor'd instantly to sight, those afflicted with feigned sickness, recover perfect Health, and others that halt before they are Lame, stretch their Legs without their Crutches. When the Jovial Crew meet their dirty Handkerchiefs & Night Caps are slipt into their Pockets, their crippled Legs & Arms taken out of their Slings, & return'd from their cramping Postures to their Ease & Liberty ; where after they have soundly liquored their Paunches, they Sing this Song, which is called the Beggars new Ballad : — THE BEGGARS CLUB. 17 TM Begging is an Honest Trade, That Wealthy Knaves despise. Yet Rich men may be Beggars made, df we that Beg may rise. The greatest King may be betray'd, d!" lose his Sovereign Bower, But we that stoop to ask our Bread, Can never sink much lower. Let Heavy Taxes greater grow. To make our Army fight. Where 'tis not to be had you know The Queen must lose her Right. Let one side laugh, 6^ t' other Moan, We nothing have to fear; But that great Lords should Beggars turn. To be as rich as we are. What Lousie Foreign swarms this Year, Have spoiled the Begging Trade, Yet still we live df Drink good Beer, Tho' they our Rights Lnvade, Some say they've for Religion fled, But wiser People tell us. They're only fordd to seek their Bread For being too Rebellious. What tho' we make the . World believe. That we are Sick 6^ Lame, 'Tis now a virtue to Deceive, The Righteous do the same. In Trade dissembling is no Crime, &" we shall live to see That Begging in a little Time A Common Trade will be. After this Song they all act their Dissembling Parts as much to the Life as if they were really at their respective Posts in the City, one halting about the Room Cap in Hand as if he was on the Arse of a miserable Alderman, then biting his Nails, & Shaking his Head, as if he curs'd him in his Heart, because he had not Charity enough to reward his 1 8 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. Prayers with a loose Half Penny, then suddenly as if Attackt by his Eight Legged enemies, or back Friends, fingers his Collar, conveying the little Prisoners between his Finger and Thumb, from his Neck to his Mouth, in order to bite the biters which he dispatch'd so natural, that 'tis hard to distinguish whether he is in Jest or in Earnest. Thus he diverts the Company, who cannot forbear shrugging at the Lousie Performance as if they itch'd by Sympathy. The Beggars Wives seldom But gladly drinks his are profuse. Benefactors health He only covets what he Then who'd not choose a dares to use ; Beggat^s fate Limits his hopes according Much rather than a " to his Sphere, Miser's wretched state. 6^ when Ms able, will Who vainly hugging of his enjoy Good Cheer. useless store, Nier starves to multiply Starves tho' h^s rich, for his pence to Wealth. fear of being poor. THE BROKEN SHOP-KEEPERS' CLUB. THIS unfortunate Society is now held at the Sign of the Tumble-down Dick's in the Dirty Dominion of the Mint in Southwark ; where Knaves, Sots, & Fools, as well as Bankrupts, who deserve pity, find a safe Retirement from the Revenge and Malice of the unmerciful Creditors, whither many fly like Fish out of the Frying Pan into the Fire from lesser Trouble into greater Miseries. When the sad Guzzling Society are met in a Body at their Smoaky Rendezvous, their Chief Business is to wear away all Sense of their Present Misfortunes, to Damn their Creditors, Drink Confusion to Bayliffs, & charge their Ruin on their Extravagant Wives, THE BROKEN SHOP-KEEPERS' CLUB. 1 9 Faithless Servants, or Injustice of their Relations ; but not a word of their own Negligence, Keeping Whores, Horses, & the like. Among the promiscuous Assembly of broken Extravagants, a slovenly Sot sits puffing at the Board in a woollen Night cap, so disguis'd with Dirt, & his Hands Si Face with Nastiness, that he look'd like the Cook of a Newcastle Collier just slept on Shore to enter an Action against his Master for wages. A second in his slip shoes, and ungarter'd stockings, like a Journey Man Taylor jumpt of the Board for a Halfpenny Roll & a pint of Tow Penny Stich-Back. A Third with a Carotty Wig, matted like the mane of a Grass Horse ridden by the Night Mare & all to save the trouble of combing the entangl'd Scare-Crow once a Week, thro' his aversion to Cleanliness. Another without a Neck-cloth to shew the unbutton'd Collar of a dirty Shirt, that was as blacky and sweaty, as if the Beast that wore it had taken an Oath of Abjuration against Soap & Water. Another with Bloodshed Eyes & a Sottish Countenance as if his Head had been stew'd in hot Ale, or coddled in Burnt Brandy. Thus they would sit, some Raving, some Muttering, some Laughing, & others Gaming, till drunk and drowsie they reel home to their dirty Rooms, Sheetless Beds, & spaul'd Garrets to feed the Flees, as well as worse Vermin, till the next Morning, at which time they return again like a dog to his Vomit, or a Sow to her wallowing in the Mire. TAey are most Treacherous a Gallows. &' Unjust, By Foes despiid, by Too Knavish for the Friends forsaken, World to Trust, In dread of beifig surpris^ d Fit only to frequent an &= taken : Ale-House That a close starving gaol Or do things worthy of may be. 20 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. THE BASKET WOMAN'S CLUB. THERE are several of these Flat-Cap Societies of Female Tatlers, who as soon as their Business is over, Liquor their weather-beaten Hides at the Tavern adjacent to the Markets they use. But in the Description of one you will have a full view of all the rest ; for they are so alike when merrily over their brim Quarts, that the Devil a Barrel the better Herring. The only Female Tattling Club is held every Market Day at a certain Tavern in Clare Market, where any Cuckold that will hold up his Head e'er he enters the House, may see his own Picture. The Pocket-Apron Quality that commonly compose the Tippling Con- gress, are Sun-Burnt Dames from distant Villages who c6me riding to Town like Kettle-Drummers between their Gotch-bellyed Panniers, well stuffed with the edible Fruits of their own Rural Houswifry, being so very expert in their Cup Adventures, that they look upon her to be a weak Sister if she cannot drink a Ters of Wine to her share without spewing. Thus Woman doats upon a In what's tier vice she still Tavern Treat insatiate grows, 6^ thinks the Charms of On what she loves will no costly wine most sweet aspersion cast. From one to many Quarts <5^ hugs the Poison till it she soon improves, proves her lust Till made a shameful slave For wanton Women never to what she loves, want the sense No prudent bounds can her To out do Men in Craft or Desire enclose Impudence. Finis. THE SECOND PART LONDON CLUBS; Containing. THE NO NOSE CLUB ] THL MOLLIES CLUB. THE BEAUS CLUB. | THE QUACKS CLUB. By the Author of the London Spy. London, Printed by J. Button, Near Fleet Street. A/so the First Part. OF THE NO NOSE CLUB. A MERRY Gentleman who had often hazarded his own Boltspit, by steering a Vitious Course among the Rocks of Venus, having observed in his walks through our English Sodom, that abundance of both Sexes had sacrificed to the God Priapus, & had unluckily fallen into the Ethiopian Fashion of Flat- Faces, pleased himself with an opinion, it must prove a comical sight for so many maim'd Leachers, smifling old Stallions, young unfortunate Whoremasters poor scarify'd Bawds; & salivated Whetstones, to shew their scandalous Vizards in one Nose-less Society; To accomplish which, he made it his business, for some time, to strole about the Town, on purpose to pick acquaintance with all such stigmatiz'd Strumpets & Fornicators as he thought might be proper members of the Smififling Community pretending some thing or other that carry'd a face of Interest to all that he talk'd with, appointing every one apart to meet him at the Dog Tavern in Drury Lane, upon a Certain Day, a little before Dinner-Time, that they might Eat a bit together, & he would then acquaint them with the Secret. Being a well-bred Gentleman, & a person that behav'd himself to all he spoke to ; with an unsuspected Gravity, when the Day appointed came every one was curious to know the upshot of the Matter. The Gentleman, against the time, having ordered a very plentiful Dinner, acquainted the Vintner who were like to be his Guests, that he might not be surpriz'd at so ill-favour'd an 24 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. appearance, but pay them that Respect, when they came to ask for him that might encourage them to tarry. When the morning came, no sooner was the hand of Covent Garden Dial upon the stroak of the hour prefis'd, but the No-Nose Company began to drop in apace, like Scald-Heads & Cripples to a Mumper's Feast, asking for Mr. Crumpton, which was the feign'd name the Gentleman had taken upon him, succeeding one another so thick, with jarring Voices, like the brazen Strings of a cracked Dulcimore, that the Drawer could scarce shew one upstairs before he had another to conduct, the answer at the Bar being, to all that enquir'd, that Mr. Crumpton had beeri there, & desir'd every one that ask'd for him would walk up Stairs & he would wait upon them presently. As the Number increas'd the surprize grew the greater among all that were present, who star'd at one another with such unaccustomed Bashfulness & confused Odness, as if every Sinner beheld their own Iniquities in the Faces of their Com- panions. The Dinner being now brought to the Table, & the Scare-Crows seated according to their Seniority as soon as their Food was sanctify'd with a short Grace, they all fell to Grinding and Smiffling, for want of clear passages, like Fat Aldermen at my Lord Mayor's Feast, when tir'd with their Journey from London to Westminster commonly eat their Custard between sleeping & waking. Among the rest of the Entertain- ment there happened to be a couple of fat Pigs which the Cook to make a Jest had merrily sent up with both their snouts cut off. The Gentleman, being offended to see the Pigs Heads so strangely mangl'd, sent for the Cook upstairs to know the Reason of it, who answer'd " He had cut off their Snouts to put the Pigs in the Fashion ; for he though it not fit for two such squeamish Creatures, to run their unmannerly OF THE NO NOSE CLUB. 25 Noses into such good Company that had but one amongst them." A P — :X take ypu, Reply'd an old Smifler, for the son of a Dripping-Pan ! The fewer noses there are in the Company, the more there ought to be in the Company, the more there ought to be in the Feast, for the Ladies know that flat things always love long snouts.' As soon as they had Eaten off the Edge of their Appetites, being all highly pleased with their plentiful Entertainment the Founder's Health was dish'd about in a Bumper, till they all grew as Frolicksome as so many Jugs & Bumkins at a Country-House Warming. And then they began to Jest & be merry with one another's iniquities, as if their Sins were their Pride & their Sufferings their glory, every one being as free of their past Vices & Intrigues, as Gossips o'er their Ale are of their Husband's Infirmities that the single nosed gentleman was so delighted with his Guests, that he gave them his Company most part of- the Day, & sat like Don John among his ghastly Assembly of defac'd Monuments just started from their Pedistals to take a Dinner with the Libertine. But the Bountiful Promoter within less than a year happening, in spight of his Nose, to die in a Salivation, the Flat-Faced Community were unhappily Dissolv'd. The last of their Meeting, at the request of the Deceas'd being to Solemnise his Funeral, where every one had a Ring, in Pia Memoria of their generous Benefactor, whose Remains were honoured with the following Elegy, Mourn, all ye no-nos'd the fairext face Bullies of the Age, Adorn' d by Nature with Whose batter' d Snouts the each charming grace World's decay presage, Tho' a chaste stranger to &= shew whilst living, how the joys of love 26 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. Must Rot when under- such Juices flow, ground, like yours above; When Dead, like your And the fair Bridge, which Father Noses e^eryou die in such form does grow. Must tumble, and in Flat Beneath whose gristly Arch Disorder lie. THE BEAU'S CLUB. THIS Finikin Society or Lady's Lap-dog Club is now kept at a certain Tavern near Covent Garden where, every afternoon the Pantastical Idols, assemble themselves in a Body, to compare Dresses, invent new Fashions, talk Bawdy, and drink Healths to their Mistresses. At the upper end of their Club Room stands a Side-Board Table, which is constantly furnished with a Dozen of Flannel Muckinders, folded up for rubbing the dust off of their Upper-Leathers, or an unfortunate speck off their Scabbards of their Swords. Next to these cleanly necessaries, stands an Olive-Box, full of the best perfum'd Powder, crown'd with three or four mighty Combs, that their Wigs may be continually new scented, and every stragling Hair that has been rufled by a Storm of their Mistresses Breath, may be carefully put into Orders. Round the edges of the Table lies strew'd by way of Garnish Scissors, Tooth-pickers, & Tweezers, Patches, Essences, Pomatums, Pastes, & Washes, with all the artful implements Woman can invent to turn Men into Monkeys : so that the Sir Foplings are no sooner met, but they are as busie as so many Stage-Players before a Comedy, dizening their ill shap'd Carcesses and Apes Faces. Then down they sit to their Champaigne, Burgundy, &" Hermitage, pull out their gilt Snush-Boxes, with Orangeree, Brazil, and plain Spanish that each may fill his Elephant Trunk with Odoriferous Dust, & make his Breath as sweet as an THE BEAUS CLUB. 27 Arabian breeze to the Nostrils of a Seaman ; & when they are thus scented, down goes a delicious Health to some celebrated Harlot, Play-House Punk, or Court Courtezan. When the Modish Fops, Amorettas, have drank so many select Healths to their Mistresses, without the danger of raising Pimples on their Faces, then they pay their Reckonings, tipp up the Fore-tops of their Wiggs, with their Alabaster figures, and walk bare-headed to the Play-house, where they commonly arrive about the Third Act, by which time the Ladies, who care not much to appear by Day-Light, are bolted from their Stews, and Drury Lane Alleys, to sneak into the Pit and Eighteen-penny Gallery without Tickets at the Courtisie of the Door-Keepers, when these gaudy, cringing Coxcombs, have thus met with their Matches, they tattle away Play-time among their Half-Crown Punks, till one of the Fraternity of sham Heroes makes an humble Bow to the Box-Ladies, and the rest follow him according to their custom to Drinking, W g, and Gaming till next Morning. To be a Modish Fop, a Beau compleat. Is to pretend to, but be void of, wit, 'Tis to be Squeamish, Critical, and nice In all things, <5f Fantastic to a Vice. 'Tis to seeem knowing, tho' he nothing nowse &" vainly lewd to please his Brother Beaus, 'Tis in his dress to be pro- fusely gay, &" to affect gay-like a wanton way. 'Tis to be charmed with each nezv fashion' d whim dr* to be Modish to a vain extream. That each gay Punk, a lustful eye may rowl, &" for his Shapes admire the pretty fool : 'Tis to attack the Ladies with a grace, dr* still transfer his love to each new Face, Flutter about his charms, till like a Fly, Burnt by the Flame, he's scorch' d amidst his Joy. 28 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. THE MOLLIES' CLUB. THERE are a particular Gang of Wretches in Town, who call themselves Mollies, & are so far degenerated from all Masculine Deportment or Manly exercises that they rather fancy themselves Women, imitating all the little Vanities that Custom has reconcil'd to the Female sex, affecting to speak, walk, tattle, curtsy, cry, scold, & mimick all manner of Effeminacy. At a certain Tavern in the City, whose sign I shall not mention, because I am unwilling to fix an Odium on the House, they have a settled & constant Meeting. When they are met, together, their usual Practice is to mimick a female Gossiping & fall into all the impertinent Tittle Tattle that a merry Society of good Wives can be subject to. Not long since they had cushioned up one of their Brethren, or rather Sisters, according to Female Dialect, disguising him in a Woman's Night-Gown, Sarsanet Hood, & Night-rail who when the Company were men, was to mimick a woman, produce a jointed Baby they had provided, which wooden Offspring was to be after- wards Christened, whilst one in a High Crown'd Hat, I am old Beldam's Pinner, representing[ed] a Country Midwife, & another dizen'd up in a Huswife's Coif for a Nurse & all the rest of an impertinent Decorum of a Christening. And for the further promotion of their unbecoming mirth, every one was to talk of their Husbands & Children, one estolling the Virtues of her Husband, another the genius & wit of their Children ; whilst a Third would express himself sorrowfully under the character of a Widow. Thus every one in his turn makes scoff of the little Effeminacy & Weaknesses, which Women are subject to, when gossiping o'er their cups on purpose to extin- THE quacks' club. 29 guish that Natural Affection which is due to the Fair Sex & to turn their Juvenile desires towards preter- natural polotions. They continued their practices till they were happily routed by the conduct of some of the under Agents to the Reforming Society, so that several of them were brought to open Punishment, which happily put a Period to their Scandalous Revels, THE QUACKS' CLUB. THE Empiricks of the Town, alias Licens'd Physicians as to Scandal of the College, they are pleased to call themselves, that they might be better able to promote the Interests of Quackism, thought it necessary some weeks since, to hold a Weekly correspondence at a certain Tavern near the Change, that they might not only be able to be of mutual Service to each other, but defend the Pre- tensions of Physic, Chemistry, etc., against all opposers. Upon their first meeting. Dr. Saffold's Successor had the Honour to be chosen by the Majority of High-German Coblers, Dutch Tumblers, and English Rope Dancers, Prolocutor to the Society, & took his Place at the Board in an Elbow-Chair accordingly : Every formal Student in the Twin Sciences or Pre- bendary of Physic & Astrology, having so strict a regard to the Gravity of their Profession that they grac'd the solemn Junto with their Ebony Canes, Bands, & all their Querps, Formalities, &c., as if they were going to Dine with my Lord, & to beg leave of the City to pull down the Statue of King Charles II., and to erect a Mountebank's Stage in the middle of the Exchange, that by selling Packets of a Noble 30 SECRET HISTORY OF LONDON CLUBS. Cathartick called Pilula Honesta, they might purge all manner of Knavery out of the canker'd consciences of Change - Brokers and Stock- jobbers. When these Medicinal Coxcombs have exemplified at large the infallible Virtues of their Popular Pills, Universal Powders, & Sundry Sorts of Panaceas, Nostrums, Hodge-Podges, & Cathalicons, then the wonderful cures they have performed are separately discanted on. Such inimitable Miracles upon Country Chubs, Old Nurses, Sick Chambermaids, and Lame Mumpers, that are never to be forgotten, whilst we have a Sir Will- -mm. his Coach & Six, or a famous Dr. Gateby, with his numerous retinue of Vaulters, Tum- blers, & Rope Dancers, to support the Memory of their Empirical Predecessors. For when our modern Operations (Operators) mount their Country Scaffolds, with their Train of Bartholomew Fools, surrounded with a gaping Crowd of Dairy Drudging Jugs and Rural Coridons ; then that their Packet Speeches may be larded with some- thing that may seem Learned ; Cestante Tollitur causa Effectus, says the Plush Jacket Doctor, was the good saying of their famous Physician, Dr. Kerleus, who for his Countries good Travell'd as I do ; which is as much as to say, if you take my Physic you may be sure of a cure : For the sake of these & such like advantages they recontinued their weekly Meeting, during one whole Winter, but Summer coming on, the greatest part drawing off to their Country Circuits, & the rest in their cups contending about their skill, & the Exellency and Efficacy of their never failing Remedies fell together by the ears on the first of April last & so like April Fools, put an end to their Society, verifying the old Proverb, " That two of a trade can never agree." THE QUACKS' CLUB. 31 Of all the Plagues with which our Land is curst, The Frauds of Physic seem to be the worst. For tho' the LaWy 'tis true, abounds with weeds, d^ from Astrea's Rules too oft recedes, Yet those keen Foxes of such sundry sorts. Who hang in swarms about her awful Courts, By their Male Practice dr" Prolix Debates, Can only hurt our Pockets and Estates. But baneful Quacks, in Physick's Art unread. To Weaving, Cabling, or Tumbling bred, Or else poor Scoundrels, who for Scraps &' Thanks, Swept Stages for their Master Mountebanks, These to the World destructive Slops commend And do their pays' nous Cheats to life extend, By vain pretences pick the Patients Purse, And with sham Medicines make 'em ten times worse. Finis.