;i CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY GIFT OF Elizabeth Beal DATE DUE rniNTEOINU.S.A. Cornell University Library E647 .L81 The Nasbv leJlefSj olin 3 1924 030 921 195 The original of tliis book is in tine Cornell University Library. There are no known copyright restrictions in the United States on the use of the text. http://www.archive.org/details/cu31 924030921 1 95 THE NASBY LETTERS. The Original Nasby Letters, as Written During His Lifetime, -BY- DAVID ROSS LOCKE, ("PETROLEUM V. NASBY.") lOIiEDO, OHIO: The ToI/Edo Blade Co. INTRODUCTION. • The great majority of the Nasby letters were never printed save i| the columns of the Toledo Blade, in which they originally appeare After the death of Mr. D. R. Locke, we received many requests to kno-j where the letters might be obtained in book form. We referred these the publishers of such of the earlier letters as had ever been printed ifl volumes; but the demand has increased lately for a volume which shoulj contain not only the earlier letters, b.ut those of later years, up to the fina^ one ever written. The following volume has been compiled in response U] this demand. THE TOLEDO BLADE CO Cppyrlght, 1893, by the Toledo Blade Co. All rights reserved. Some Little Account OF THE Author of " Nasby Letters," Da-rid Ross Locke was bom in Vestal, Broome Co., New York, September 20, 1833. His father, Nathaniel Reed Locke, was a soldier In the war of 1812. The son came by his politi(al and other notions honestly, as the father wjia a staunch an ti- slavery man as far back as 1830, long before there was any organized opposition to the great curse. He was one of the organizers of the Liberty party, and was' among the first to join the Bepublican party whan it was founded in 1853. The son entered the printing office of the Democrat, at CorlSand, New York, in his elerenth year, and did what vei-y few boys are doing now, learned a trade thoroughly. 'i?- Then followed the regular period of "tramping;" and in his wanderings he Tisited all the cities of the country, either as a journeyman printer, or re- porter and writer upon newspapers. His experiences during this period of his life were like that of aU others of the craft. He saved no money, indeed saving money was not his object. He was finishing his education. He saw men and mixed with them, and wissiWe, thus wilfully keepin capital away from us. It refoo&ed to either i>ay our rale-rode subscripshun or slackwater river. Thepsfor, not bean in humor to longer endoor sich -outrajes, we decla| ourselves Free and Independent uv the State, and will maintain our Iposdtid with arms, if need be. There wuz a lively time necit day. A company iir minit men wuz iraiset snd wuu uv 2-minit men. The seceshn flag, muskrat rampant, weasel cou chant, on a field d' egg-shell, waves from both groserys. Our merchantfi fel hopeful. Cut orf from the State, direct trade with the Black Swarot) fn lere; releest from his indebtedness to Ciiisinati, he will again lift his heal Our representative hez agreed to resine — when his term expires. Wo are in earnest. Armed with justice and shot-guns, we bid the tyran] defiance. P. S.— The feelin is intense— the children hev imbibed it. A lad jest pa displayin the seceshn flag. It waved from behind. Disdainin concealment, lion-heai^tsd boy wore a roundabout. We are firm. N. B.-^We are still firm. N. B., 2d.— We are firm, unyeeldin, calm and resoloot. PETROLEUM V. NASBl^ ■I — ^^„ ^,^^„i JjBIIXBS. 6 ,M>™ socomd was written under these cdrcumatances: In 1861 the iDemocracy of Ohio were, or pretended to be, in a terrible state on the negro question. They asserted in the same breath:— 1. That the negroes liberated by tho armies of the Reipubllc wo\ild come north in great masses and, as they woUd not labor when free, would be a tax upon the people as paupers. 2. That as the negroes would work chea.per than the whites it would throw all the honest white laborers out erior to that of the majority at Che rabid se- cessionists who proposed to drive them out, that the satire did not need to be explained in that lotaiity. One of them remarked to Flenner, the man who circulated the petition asking for their removal: — "Look heah, Levi, ef yoah don' stop boddering us niggahs, we'll make up a puss and biiy out de Dim- ocrisy ob dis oounty and hab a little peece." NBGEO EMIGRATION". Wingert's Comers, April the 2d, 18G2. Thera are now 15 niggers, men, wimin, and ohildem, or ruther, mail, fe- mail, and yung, in Winger? s Comers, and yisterday another arrove. I am be- komin aJarmed, for, ef they inkreese at this rate, in suthin O'ver sixty years they'll hev a majority iu the town, and may, ef they git mean enuff, tyran- nize over us, even ez we air tyi-anndzin over them. The danger is immi- nent! Already our poor wlite inhabitants is out UT employment to make roomi for that nigger; even now our shops and factories is full uv that nigger, to the great detriment uv a white inhabitant who hez a family 2 support, and our poor hows and jail is full uv him. timploar the people to wake up. Let us hold a mass meetin to take this subgik in2 oomaiderashen, and, that business may be expeditid, I perposei the adopsheu uv a series uv preamble and resolooshens, suthin like the foUenin, ►to-wit: . ', Wareas, We vew with alarm the ackshuu uv the Preadent uv the U. S., in recommendln the immejit emansipashun uv the slaves uv our misgided Suthem brethrin, and his evident intenshun uv kolonizin on em in the North, and the heft on em in Wingert's Corners; and . Waraas, In the ©vent of this imigrashim, our fellow-townsman, Abso- lum Kitt, and uthers, whose familis depend upon their labor for support, wood be.throde out of employment; and WareaS, When yoo giv a man a boss, you are obleeged to also make him a present uv a silver-platid hamis and a §350 buggy, so ef we let tlie nigger live here, we are in dooty bound to let him vote, and to marry him off-hand; and Wareas, When this stait uv affairs arrives our kentiy vidll be no fit place for men uv ediicashen and refinement; and ,, Wareas, Eny man hevin the intellect uv a brass-mounted jackass kin eiasily see that the 2 races want never intendid to live together; and Wareas, Bcin in tHe magority, we kin do as we please, and ez the nigger baint no vote he kant help hisself ; therefore be it Kesolved, That the crude, undeodorized Afrikin is a dis:gustin obgik. ^Resolved, That thia GonTebshun, when it hez its feet washed, smells 6 Author of the jnasby jjettbbb. sweeter nor the Afrikin in Ms ncuroal condishim, and is there* his soop^OT. i ResolTed, That the naggers be drnv out nv Wing«rt's Corners, and that » sioh property ez they hev aeenmulatid be eonfiacatid, and the proseeos ap- j plide to fflie foUerin purposes, to wit: ' . ' Payment ut the bills ut the last Dimeknitik Centre! Committee. S Payment ut the dTsinterestid patriots ez got up this meetin. , The balence to remane in my hands. Resolved, That the Ablishnists who oppose these resolushens all want to marry a nigger. . Resolved, TpBat Dr. Petts, in rentin a part uv Ks bildim to niggers, hez struck a blow at the very foimdashens uv sosiety. . s j i Fellow whites, arowz! The enemy is onto us! Our- harths is in danger! When we hev a nigger for judge^uiggers for teachers— niggers iu pulpite— when niggers rool and oontrole sosiety, then vrill yoo remember this wamin! , ~ „ Arouse to wunst! Rally agin Conway! Rally agin Sweet! Rally agin Hegler! Rally agin Hegler's family! Rally agin the porter at the Reed House! Rally agin the cook at the Crook House! Rally agin the nigger widder iu Vance's ABdishun! RaUy agin Missis Umstid! Rally agin Missis tjmstida ehildem by her first husband! Rally agin Missis Umstid's ohildem by her | sekkund husband! Rally agin all the rest uv Missis XTmstid's ohildern! Rally ' agin the nigger that cum yistei-day! Rally a,gin tho saddle-culiired girl that \ yoost 2 be hear! Ameriky for white men. ' PETROLEUM V. NASBY. 1 These letters sprang at once into an immediate popularity. They were read and commented upon from one end of the country to the other. Stump- speakers used them, newspaper editors and everybody else who had any- things to do with politics, drew inspiration from them, and they became at onoe a part of the political literature of the day. Abraham Lincoln was so ft>pd of reading them thait he kept a pamphl?t edition of them in his table draw- er. George S. Boutvrell, Secretary of the Treasury under Lincoln, said in a ] speech at Cooper Union, New York at the close of the war, that the crushing of the Rebellion could be credited to three forces, the Army, Navy, and the i Nasby Letters; and Charles Sumner thought so much of them that he asked J the privilege of writing an introduction to a compilation of the series in a IargL> J volume. Mr. Blaine always quoted from them regularly, as did every man J of note or no note in the Republican party. ' The question is asked of the Blade a thousand times a year as to tho origin of the Nasby letters. It is a question veiy difficult to answer. Like Topsy, they "were never bomed — ^they grew." They were based upon the natural condition of things at the time. Tliere never was an actual living model for Nasby nor any of the other characters surrounding him. Nasby was tho representative of the whisky-drinking, comer-groceiy statesmen who have always infested tho country, and who, doubtless, always will, till the mil- lenium comes. There nriver was any exaggei-ation in these portraitures. It is true that during the war wagon-loads of women made parts of processions at Demo- ' cratic meetings with banners over them inscribed, "White husbands or none!" as though no matter whether the "nigger" was freed or kept in slavery, they had uo option as to whether they would marry white or black men. It is true that the stock argument against the war was "nigger" supremacy, as though , three millions of negroes could possibly have gained supremacy over forly- _ five millions of white's. The dread of the "nigger" was what maintained the [JDemoc-atic party during the war and five years after, and Mr. Nasby and his [jconfreres were simply the besotted Cross-Roads politiciiius who took advantage -^of the feeling to advance tlieir own interests. In Octolber, 1865, Mr. D. R. Locko removed to Toledo, Ohio, and assumed charge of the Toledo Blade, and the Nasby Letters thereafter appeared regu-, larty in its oolumius until the death of their autlor, Febiuary 15, 1888. This- vwlume contains selections from the entire series, adapted to show the field) covered by them in the quarter of a century during which they were issued. THE NASBY LETTEES. PRESIDENT LITfCOLN AN"D "NASBT." The first ooHectiooi of Nasby letters puMished wajs a 64-page pampljlct, issued in 1864, which bore tihe brief title, "The Nasby Papers. Letters and Sermons containing the Views on the Topics of the Day of Petroleum V. "Naa- by, 'Paster of the Ohurch uv the Noo Dispensasihuu.' " It was a copy of this little brochure whiclh is referred to In the foBlowing Hoooumt of President linodn's Ihigth appreciaAion of tIhe wit and tumor of Na*y, which is extracted from a letter, poated in tihie year 1865 iu the New York Indei>ondent, written by Frank B. Oarpenter, tihe artist, who wais an inmate of the White House for seyeral njonths, while engaged in painting the great historic canvas, "The First Reading of tie Emancipatiaii Proclaimatiou." Mr. Oarpenter enjoyed very intimate personal assodation with Mr. Ldacolu, as the following extract sbows: "The Saturday evening before President Linooln left Washington, to go to the fpcmt, just pnevioiia to Uie capture &t Kichmond, I was with him from seven o'clock till nearly twelve. It had been a verji hard day with him. T^e preesure of office-seekers was greater at this juncture tlhan I ever knew it to be, and he was aimost worn out. Amoug the calleiFS tltait evening was a party oomqiosed of a Senator, a Eepresentative, an ex-L/ieutenant Governor of a WestfiGm stote, and several private citizens. They had business of great im- pcitaiBce, involving the necesaty of the Presideint's examinatioin of volumsHous doommenitis. Pushing everything aside he said to one of tihe party, 'Have you seen the Nasby Papers?' 'No, I have not,' was the ans.wer. 'Who is Nasby?' Tbete is a chap out in Ohio,' returned the President, 'who has been writing B series of letters iu the newspapers over the signature of Petroleum V. Nasby. Some one sent mo a pamipJilet collectioii of them the other day. I am going to write to "Petroleum" to come down here, and I imtend to teU him if he will oonwnunieate his talent to me, I wall swap places wilih him!' Thei'eupon he arose, went to a drawer in his desk, and taking out the 'letters,' he sat down and read one to Uhe eomipany, finding in their enjoyment of it the temporary exeiteonent and rddef which another man would have found in a glass of grog! The instant he had ceased, the book was thrown aside, his countenance relapsed into its habitual serious expression, and the business was entered upon with- the utmoet eao^estness." The following, pertaining to the same subject. Is from the introduction, written by Hon. Charles Summer, the great Sematoir fron( Massachusetts, to a volume of Nasby lettems published in the year 1872: "Beyond the interest in these letters as another instance of a peculiar lite^ ature,— illustrated by Major Jack Downing, Sam Slick, and the genius of Hosea Bigdow,.— they have an historic character fi-om the part tihey performed in the war with slaveiy, and in advancing reconstruction. Appearing with a certain' regdlaraty and enjoying an extemssve cireulatiooi, they became a constant and welcome aJly. Unquestionably they were among the influences and agencies by wiMdh disloyalty an all its forms was exposed, and public opinion assured on ,tlbe r^;ht 'side. It is impossible to measure their value. Against the devices of 8 The Nasbt Letters. slavery and its siipportera, each letter was like a apoeidh, or on© otf those_ songs ■W'MciU stir the people. Therefore they belong to the poSitical iKstory oi this cnt- leal period. '"Of publications during the war, none had such dharm for _ Abraham Lin- ooln. He read every letter as it appeared, and kept them all -within^ reach for; refreshment. This strong liking illustratea hiis dbaraoter, and_ will always awaken an interest in the letters. An incident in my own relatd'Ons with him shows how easily he turned froon care to humor. _ "I had ocoasioji to see President Ijinooln very late in the evening of March' 17th, 1865. The interview was in the familiar room known ais ihis office, and also used for caibinet meetings. I did not take leave of him until some time after midnight, and then the business was not finislh-ed. As I rose, he said, 'Oome to me when I open shop in the morning; I wili have the arder written^ and you shall see it.' 'When do you open ahjop?' said I. 'At nine o'dock,' he r«>plied. At the hoiur named I was in the same room that I_ had so reoemtly left. Very soon the President entered, stepping qaickly with the promised order in his hands, which, he at once read to me. it was to disapprove and, annul the judgment and sentence of a court martial in a case that Ihad excited much feeling. While I wa/S making an abstract of the order for communica- tion by telegraph to the anxious parties, he broke into quotation from Na.sby. F^uJing me less at home than himself wdth his favorite humorist, Ihe Isaid pleasantly, 'I must initiate you,' and then repeated with enthusiasm the mes- sage he had sent to the author: 'For the genius to write these things I would gladly give up my office.' "Rising from his seat, he opened a desk behind, and, taking from it a pamph- let collection of the letters already published, proceeded to read from it with; infinite zest, wWe his melancholy features grew bright. , It wais a delight to see him surriender so completely to the fascination. Mnding that I listened, he read for more tham twenty minutes, and was still proceediag whea pt occurred to roe that there must be many at the door waiting to see him on gi-aver matters. Taking advantage of a pause, I rose, and, thanking him for the lesson of the n-oming, went away. Some thii-ty persons, including senators and representa- tives, were in the ante-chamiber ;isi I| pa=ised out. "Though with the President much daring the intervening time before Us death, this was the last business I transacted with him. A few days later he left Washington for City Point, on the James River, where he was at the sur- render of Richmond. April Gth I joined him. there. April 9th the party re- turned to AVashington. On tihe evening of April 14th the bullet of an assassia took his life. "In this simple story Abraham lincoln introduces Nasiby. "OHAllT.E>S SUMNER." "Washington, Api-il 1st, 18T2." The copy of this paimphlet referred to by both Mr, Carpenter and Mr. Sumner is mow in the possession of the Lfocke family. It was given by Col. John Hay, who was one of I^iueoln's private secretaries, to Mr. D. R. Locke, after the death of the martyred Emanoapn lor, and prized by him as a priceless ti'tasure. It bears unique evidence of frequent iieading by Mr. Lincoln. It was evidently kept lying open on his desk, and several times, when he had written something, the open page of the pamphlet was used as a blotting-pad. A photo- graphic reproduotionj of 3lt)s46tih page is given, showing its 'Use as a blotter. That 'page is a portion of the Nasby letter entitled, "Has An Interview With the Pre.'iident," dated "Nov. 1, '63." It pui^ports to narrate a conversation between Mr. Lincoln himself and Nasby; and one can imagine the President laughing over the absurd 'foilerin triffing changes" in the "polisy" of tihe "goriller." The dedioatio(u of the little pamphlat ia so unique that it is herewith re- produced: DEDIKASHBN. To that Steriin Patryot and unkorruptible chrischen gentleman, Femandv-I wood, uv New York; ' I To that hi-toned man and wopl-dyed Dimokiut, FnankUn Peense, ut NcoI Hampshire; The Nasby Letters. To tihat long-siiffria but pasljent Diijiokiut, Jesso D. Brite, uv I'l.icanv, ■whose highest recommendasliiin is that ho wuz eclcspelled from a Ahlisliu Senit, but -wlio wood hev resiued htd thei- ever bin a presedcnt fer a Diiriolcrat resiiun; and To the grate Vallaudygiim, uv Oliio, wlho wont to the stake with a kamnese anparrallelled fer prinsipple, These book is respectfully dedikated, by THIS ORTIIEB. Parsonage, Church uv the Noo Dispensashuu. Wingert's Ooniiers, O., Aug. 1, 18G4. Fernando Wood was a leading Democratic politician of New York city. In 1861, when tihe secession of the Southern states was foremost in public atten- tion, he recooDmended that New I'ork sscede and become a free city. He was one of the few Dem'ocraitic SepresentaCives in Goegross, serving from Decem- ber 7, 1863, to March 3, 1865, and noted for his Copperhead views. Ex-President Franklin Pierce lived in retirement at Conoord, N. H., through the war, but there was macih feeling against him during these exciting times be- cause Ms course as President had been one of subservience to the arrogant slave- oeracy of the South, and he had signed the Kansas-Nebraska bill, which or- ganized those territories and opened them to slavei-y. Pierce's view was that slavery was imibodded in and guaranteed by the constitution of the United States, and that therefore it was the duty of the national government to pro- tect it. Jessa D. Bright, of Indiana, served in the United States Senate from 1845 to 1862. He wais a Demiocrat who, in the slavery struggle prooading the war, I voted i)epsistently with the Southern pro-slavery Demoorats on all queistions in- frVsOlving slavery, and when the war came on, sympathized with the South. He , was a "Ooppeihead" of the deepest dye. Charges of disloyalty were preferred ' against him, land he was expdled from the United States Senate, February I 5, 1862, by a vote of 32 to 14. ^ Clement L. Vallandigham, of Dayton, Ohio, was a politician belonging to the extreme state ri^ts wing of the Democratic party. He was a Representa- tive in Congress from 1858 until March 3, 1863, and was conspicuous .after the war began for his bold utterances against the efforts of the government to sup- press the rebellion. After Ms time in Coiigi-ess expired, he made numerous Cop- • pertiead speeches, attacking the administration with great bitterness. General Bumside, then commander of the Department of the Ohio, regarded these utter- 'f amces as affording aid and comfort €o the rebels, and issued ah order declaring ' that any persons within his department who committed certain specified acts ' for the benefit of the enemy should be tried as spies and traitors. Vallandigham ' replied to this order on May 1 in a defiant speech, and Bumside ordered his > arrest He was tried by court-maitial, convicted of treasonable utterances, and *., sentenced to close confinemenit during the war. President lanooln changed the * sentence to banishment across the lines. He was sent south into the Confederate ■I lines, but being received coldly by the rebel leaders, he went to Bermuda, and jr thence to Canada. While there he was nominated for governor by the Ohio Democrats, but was defeated, Brough, the Republican candidate, having over ^ 100,000 majority. He returned to Ohio after this, the national government ignoring him, and was a delegate to the Democratic national convention at Chicago in 1864, which nominated General McClellan for President on a plat- form which declared the war a failure. The pertinence of the above dedication can be seem from these facts concerning the five men. The pamphlet begins with the second Nasby letter, given in the introduction to this volume, pages 3 and 4, and embodies those published up to some time ia February, 1864. The following are the more notable letters .contained in it: 10 The Nasbt Letters. OEGANIZES A DBMOCEATIC CnURCH. (The New York Ar^us and New York Day Book were Democratic news- papers, and very oaitspoken in their sympathy with the Southern cause. The term "Butternut" was applied, as a, term of derision, by all sympatMzers witli the TJnioTL, ta those Democrats who were opposed to the war. This was in allu- sion to the odor of the home-made and hoime-dyed uniforms of the Confedeis ate troops in *he West, whicih was that of the butternut — somewhat lig'hte| than walnut. The Democrats adopted the term, and many wore pins or badges mad» by sawing a thin ^ce cnoeswise from a butternut, and then polishing both ^es.) I Wingert's Comers, Joon 6, 1863. j Nnthin hez dun so muoh agin the Dimocrisy ez ohurdhes, skool-housesj Sundy-skools, preadhers and sieh. Here, our people hev awoken to the dangerj ous tendencies uv sidh instooshns, and hev set about viggerousiy to suppress 'em. Ez this work is wliat my hart delites in, I organized the pious portion iiv the Dimioorisy, that we mate do our work well and thorough. When my jigantic iiiteMek hez a ohanee, the work is shoor to be well done, and I her the satisi faiction uv amnounsin tihe complete destruction uv two churches, the drivin off 5 preachers, and the frightnin uv many wimin. But my mission is not alone to tear down — I bild up. The ijee segestid it- self to my fertile mind that a strikly Dimebratic Church and Sundy Skool wood TaOt only help the cause, but affoid me an easy lirin. It wuz dun, and I am reglai'ly installed ez the past^^ur the MrsTTHnrekBatie Church uv Ohio. ( Thie follerin is the order uv exercises: 1. People assemble at the se<'ond tootin uv the horn. 2. Beadin uv one uv the follerin passages uv Skripter: — ^9th chapter u: Jennysis, wich relates the cussin uv Cacaan, provin that niggers is Skriptoo: ally slaves, and the chapters about Hayger and Onesimus, widh proves the Fugitive Slave Law to be skriptooral. (The rest uv the KWe we consider figgerative, and pay no attenshuu to, watever.) 3. Singin — "O we'll hang Abe Linkiu on a sour apple tree," or some other improvin ode, hevin a good moral. 4. Reajdin extrax from the Noo York Arguis. 5. Singin — "O John Brown's body hangs a danglin in the air." 6. Bsadin from the Day Book. 7. Lieature on whatever phase uv the nigger question may seem approprit We hev also orgianised a Sundy Skool on a pure basis. I spent much timi in gilttin up a katekizm, uv wich the foUeiin is a sample: Q. Wat is the cheef end uv nmn? A. To whale niggers and vote the Dimekratic tikkit forever. Q. Wat do the Skripters teach? A. That a angel sent Hayger back to her mistress, that Paul sent OneMi mus back, and "Servance obey yoor masters." Q. Who wuz Onesimuis and Hayger? . , A. Onesimus wuz a muilatter, and Hayger a octoroon. Q. Wat is sin? ' A. Skratciiin a ticket. • ^ Q. Who compose the Dimoeratic trinity? '• ' i , A. VaJIandygum, Brate and Femandywood. ^ ,Q. Wat is the first duty uv man? ' A. To beware uv Ablislm lies, to rally to the poles, ta TTote early, a,na, t(M .bring in the ^d, thg infirm and the ideotik. ' 1 The Nasbt LETiEas. 11 To stlmioolate the Infant mdnd I liev institootid a system ur rewards ez follows: Fot committin 2 yersos uv Vallaudygjim's addr<»ss, 1 beer check, good at the Oomers; 5 verses, 2 chocks; 12 verses, 4 checks, and to the cihild hevin the most verses, a oapper-mounted butternut pin. i We had a festival yesterday. The ta/bles wuz boauiteously spred with boloiiy, liver-worst and crackers, wile a barl uv native whisky fumiisht the Booids nessary. It wuz a teohin site to see the ntothers with maternal solissi- tood, a mixin Naoheir's Groat Restorer witih water aed sorgum sirup, to adapt it to the infantile . etumick.* Fer my part I alluz take mine strait. I bleeve good will be aecomplisht Last week in makin a pasborel visit jest about noom to the house uv wun uv my flook, who hez fine poultry, I wuz amoosed ait hearin a meer infant only three years uv old, srwingiu his little hat, BiLdcTyiki, "Hooffawfer Jeff Davip." It wiiz tetchin. Pattin the little patriot on Che head, I instantly borrowed five cemts uv his father to present to ham. PETROLEUM V. NASBT. GOES 0]Sr WITH HIS CHUBOH. Church uv St. Valandygiuim, June 10, '63. We bed a Weseid and improvin time yisterday. My little flock staggered in at tihe usual hour in the momiii, every man in a heavenly frame uv mind, hevin bin ingaged all nite in a work uv mercy, to wit: 2 mobbin uv 2 enrollin officers. One uv em resisted and they emote him hip and thigh, even ez Bohash smote Jaheel. (Skriptooral, wich is nessaiy, bein in the ministry.) He Iruz left fer dead. We opened servis by singin a hym, wich I writ, oommemcin es follows: "Shil niggers black, this land poesess, And mix with us up here? Oh no, my frends, we rayther guess. We'll never stand that 'ere. I then he!d forth from tlois text:— '"iVhar hev ye laid him?" I statid that the person I referred to wuz the marterd Vallandygum, and I, in behaff uv a outraged Dimocrisy, demanded uv the tyrant Liiikin, 'Whar hev yoo laid him?" A. unconvertid individooal sed, "He's leid him out!" widh remark cost him a bi'oken head. I went on to show why our saint hed bin miartered. It wuz becoz he wuz a Dimiocrat— becoz ht? dared to exercise the rites gai-anteed ' to every American, exceptia Ablishnists and niggeirs, uv aboosin the Guverment. this and nuitl'in else wuz he eggisled. "My frends," sez I, drawin myself up to my full bite, and lookin ez much like Fernandy Wood ez possible, "I am wiiMn to be marterd. I denounce this war as unholy, unoonstooshnel, un- righteous and vnmittygated. It is nuthin less than invashen uv Dimocratlk states, fer the sole purpus uV freein niggera. linkin is a tyrant, Bumside a tool, order 38 a relik uv barberism, and I will resist the enrollment, the con- Bkrlpshen and tihe tax. Hooray fer Jeff Davis!!" Our class-meetin wuz more interestiner than ever. One old, white headed brother sed tibajt at limss his way was dai-k, and his pathway gloomy. Wunst he wuz very n/ear beoomin a infiddle. He roely believed at one time that the nigger was human, and wunst he voted fer a Republican road Superrisor. But he hed repented, and was, he trustfid, forgiven. His roind wuz now easy, and he should vote the whole Dimoeratic lickit. Two backsliders who scratched their tieldts last fall, confost their sin pub- lifly. I exhoTted em twio hours, fined em a gallon uv wihisky apeece, and took 12 The Kasbt iJETTEttS. em into full cotnmiinioiii. The wMsky -wil! be derotid to fhe imissionary «ervice,^| ■widh is ine. This is a deliteful feeld \\y labor. At tlhe Comers they gi-ro me seel floodda ez I need, at all the doggeries but one, and at tihait one tihey trust me,| •Bicih amomte to the same Hiing. I hev borrid uv my flock over 60 doOars al-| ready. It is a rich feeld, aud wun which will endoor much workin. Mi nose is deeimin in color every hour. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster ut sod CSiurch, in charge. OBSBfiyES A DAY OP FA"STmG. Churoh uv St. Valandigum, July 20, '63. Testisrdy wuz set apart by my congregashen, oz a day nv^asfin and humili- ashen fer our misforelnmes at GetUzberg, and the loss uv Port Hudsen and Vixburg. I isihood the follerin direxsliena fer tlhe proper observance uv the^ fast, to-^wit: 1. Nip before breckfust not 2 eckseed two jills. j 2. Fer breckfust no aaiimil food pemmtted, ceptim liam, and eggs, beef, etc.j 3. Fer dinner, ditto, supper same ez on utheir daze. ' < 4. Beer 2 be taken by tlie single glass, and pretzels 2 be eten without salt.' CD em. j 5. These rules to be void in the case UT peepii over 35 and invalids, whol may hev ther sustainin flooids ez usual. ' I preaaht frum this text, "O mi sole wihy art thaw caist down." I told em, we wuz oast down beooz uv Meed's whippin Lee, becoz uv Grant's takin Vix-j burg, and Banks' teilcin Port Hudson. Tlhat's wiat's the matter with us.j That's what hez oast a shadder over owr countnansis, and changd the hew uv, our nozis frcm the brilyunt erirasun to the gastly bJoo! The flattrin hopes uv u successful invasben uv the North is dasht— like^vise. the releef uv Vixburg, audi now to fill our cup uv sorrei-, Jon Margin's oomnaand is desti'oyd. But still, my freadi3, ther is a silver linin 2 evry clowd wich is poetry. Ther is wun rayl uv hope amid all this gHoom. I allood to the lait eonstooshuel demonstrashens in Noo York. Ther wuz a - victory! The draft books wuz de4 stroyed aiid the draft wuz stopped. But ther wuz a bigger triumply than stoppin the draft. Niggers wuz kiUd — the prowd Anglo-Saxn riz in his| mite and stoned the niggers! HaUeloojy! At tliis pint suih av the awjencei ' becum sleapy, and to arowse them I beomu faseshus. Why, sez I, wuz the! Dinojocrisy who mauld the niggers in Noo York, a roost ennerjetic and perseverini ^people? Becoz, anserd I, they left no stone imturned 2 effect their purpus. Thel ' jjee uv iiiterdoosin conundrums in2 tho pullpit is orijenel with me. I closedj by exhortin uv em too st.ind firm. Bf we kin elect Vallandigum we may yetl dheck the Fedrail Guvment in its victorus oarere. With Ohio all rite fer con-J stooshnal lites, the game uv subjoogashen wood be playd out. Let us, sed I,i never falter nor faint, but press onnard 2 to the mark uv or*»- hy f-allin. Ezj the Isrelites threw dowu the walls uv Gerryko by blowin ram's horns, so kini ws by blowin onjr ihoras tlirow down the wall® uv this Aboliahn GeiTyko. Blow you horns, my bre&thrin, fp^r whoso hloweth not Wb own horn the same shal| • not be blown, but whoso bloweth his own horn the same sihall be blown with as muchness. ■: We took a enumerashfcu uv owr church with a vew to the draft, with thej follerin result: • Hole niumiber uv male members ■ . , 20i Over 45 50 The IJasbt Letters. 13 Under IS ' 50 liaaij- 1-upohei-d, aiid' uthei-wise disefusd'. ..'........../.'.'.'....'.'..'.... 'J'2 boue to Canady 2 visit ther uncles 8 Wo air esy in our minds on this subjic. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster uv sed Ciiuroh, in charge. A CONFESSION OF FAITH. (In this letter "Pooih" means a small-fry Democratic politjelan of Ctocia- nati, named Pugh, whq made boastful threats that the Ohio Demwrats •would rise, and bring Vallaiidiiirham back in ti-iumph from Canada. The Crisis was a OoippeTheod wecldy paper, piiMished in Columbus, Ohio, by Samuel M«daiy, an old-time Demiocratic politieiom, which had for a time a large cir- culatiou. The stojy that Vice President iHannibal Hamlin, was a mulatto was devoutly bolieved by the ignorajit classes of (iie South and the corresponding class of DemocratB in the Nortih.) Church uv St. Vallandlgum, Orgust 31, '63. We hed the glomisist ]dn4 uv a seesun yisterdy. The winders -wuz opeud end a showr uv pure Dimecratic grace dosendid upon us and we wus blest. Glory! We reseeved into our Zion 18 young men who reseevd tihe faith bj inheritance, ther fatlheirs hevin alluz voted the strait ticket. The foUerin is the Confeshua uv Faith too widh they subscribed: Queshuu — ^Dostest Hbow bleeve that Canaan wuz do«Mnd tobondig becoz uv Noeir's glttin tite; that Hayger and Onez'.mus prove the skriptoorality of the fugytiv slaiv lavr; that taken ez a hull they show that tiie keitohin uv niggers with doTgs is oommaeindiible and evangehlde? Dostest thow bleeve that the present war is unoonstooshnel and unholy; that h -wiiz brot on by the Abolishnists interferin -with slaiviy; that the bombard- ment uv Sumter -wuz ritey tho hasty? Dostest thow bleeve liiat Linikin is a tyrent and usurper; that he hed no rite too subjoogatt the Sowth; that his callin out troops wuz uncanstooslmel ; and that everything he hez dun, since the war begun, is likewise umcoostooshne! ? Dostest thou bleeve that Vallandlgum wuz sent iii2 the world to save the Kmocratic party; that in doin it he wuz arestid at Dayton, tride afore Pon- tcus Birnside, and sent sowth; that after 3 nioaiths he riz agen in Qanydy, whense he s(hel oum ez soaa es hese electid, and Podi goes after him with 300 Hhowsan? Dostest ihaw taka the Crisis? Dostest thow bleeve that the Sentrel committis is the sole dispenser uv opinyun, .xnd wiltest thow aUuz yawp wen they wink? Dostest thow bleeve that skratchin a tickit is the oopardonable sin? Dostest thow bleeve that this war wuz got up to free niggers, and that to- day, Ldnkin hez 75,000 niggers in Ohio, a feedin on fride oystera and hot punch? _^;^3Stest thow bleeve that Lee is tbi greatest gineral uv the age, and that «11 reports uv Fedral victries is lies? Dostest thow bleeve Ben Butler's a beast, and Hamlin a roidatter? Wiltest thow pledge yurself 2 onoompremdsihly oppose yure sisters marry- fcg niggers, no matter how much they want to? 2 an uv these questuns the candidates anserd, "I dost." Bro. Tuttle ei- tendid the rite hand uv feUowshdp — Bro. Huff sold eedh uv em a copy uv Val- lanffigTim's Record, and after making a X to their names, wich I bed pre- vuaQy litten in ooir dmrdh book, fcey wuz made memlbeus of my flock. The coz is piposperin. We commense a series uv revival meetins next week, 14 Thk Nasbt Letteks. Aid hev made extensiy prepparashns therefor. 10 baria UT ooBdenst Dimoorisj 20 barls uv beer, and 300 yards uv bolony hez bin p«irvided. Tlier will be outparia. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster uv sed CSiurdi. in charge. ^ ■WAILETH. 1 I Church nr St. Valandygum, October 14, '63. I Pm snd — ^and waxed. My bed is a f omitin uv teers, and mine eyes distB dilootid cxjirn-jooiae. My hart is lead, and my sole is pot-bellied witih greef. M3 lima aie "with woe, my manly form is boTvd, and my venrable lox is tumd white. O, Valaudigum, thow hast gon to the grave, and in, the same toom ia beriid alT my hopes. Adoo, vane world, adoo! I'll be a nunnery. The fait uv the peeple uv Ohio is seeld. Valandigum, "Our chosin standei'd-barer," Is not only a exile far away, but thep is a cheerful proepek, wioh is daily im- provdn, uv his continnerin in the exile biznJs fer an indeffynit peryod uv timei A tyrannikle Presydent hez taken our old babis oorpusseis from us, and per- sistently refuses to furnish us new wuns— and on short notis, for the inalienable rite uv free sipeech— kuoin also tihat you er a goriller, a feendish ai)e, a thirster after blud, I speek." "Speek on," sez he. "I am a Ohio Dimocarat," sez I, "who hez repoodia*id Valandigum." "Before or sinse the elecahun, did yoo repoodiate him?" sez he. "Sinse," retortid I. "I tihot so," sed he. "I -wwild hev dun it too, bed I bin you," oonfinuGd be -with a goriller-Hke grin. "We air now in favor uv a wiggerous prosecushen uv the war, and we want you to so alter yo-pinyttn's saik. Repele tfie ^iis configticashen bill, wicU irTstaita the Snthern mind and fires the^Sutheri^hart. Do away with draft^nd eOBatrlpahent. ( ReToalc the Emansipashen f^lamashea,>^ia give bonds' tllSl^l^u'll never ishoo a nother. Do away-vitb tresary noats and aich. an(^'Pay nuthin but gold. Protect otir dawters.frum nigger eqwality. Disarm yoor nigger soljers, a^l^i^nd IritA^^e^igger^p ther owif- era<4e cono^Ate the^ ^ffer to assSoin the Mr -iiTdet^dnisuv the^Southv an^plej the Guv- erment to remoonerate oul^nthriQ brethren fer the loos^they fapv susdRM itrthis O&atral ' Call a cQjjP^tbeB-^'llCStigAi men Imcnech^ileless Northern\ied es S*. l^eerce,^J BotkaHnan, Femandongh Wood and m^sclf^.^o agree n]lof>tti% teaiBs UT i«-«MS« ' "Is that all," sez the goriller ■■No." sez L-trornDtlv " Ez .a.£arantee uv ste^ faitl ^ us, jra, flhel Insiarrhat the besOTfSff livlj^e oritises be" given l| Bhnocrata who rcpoodiate Valandigum Uo this, Linkin, and ypo {Ero'w lard ile ODvthe trubbled—watera.^ . Jio. this ^«d 3roio.«lly tS^oorSsuDDo'rf thowiliids uv no'ble 'DimocrSts, who went out uv offis witn jscn^an- toon. an COMMUNES WITH SPIEITS. ^ Cliurch uv the Slawterd Innocents, (Lait St. Valandlgum), Dec. 19, '63. I hev Hn for. menny yeres disposed to bleeve in speritooalism. Ther is suthin plesont in the idee iiV bein in communicashen with them ez her gone before, as it may be reznably supozed that frum their stan-pint they kin see things in a more clearer lite than we who is encumbered with "clay. Akordingly I invited a distingi-&t mejum to visit ray flock. ******** A drcle wuz formd, and I wuz reqaostid to calM fer the sperit uv sumi wuu.. Hevin a few Abolishnists present, whom I wisht to enliten on politikle topix, I caild for Tonras JefEei'som. "Terposed that it shood be put in2 practis, jest 2 show, the woTld that the grate ,dootrine cood be carried out jest as well in the North as in the South. To -wioh I assented to-wur.st, and at the next biznis meetin, the follerin plan wuz adoptid: The members uv the oongreigashen shood try ther strength, a-nd them^ as oood lift 600 shood own and possess, in fee simple, all thorn ez ooodent. . The trial wuz hed, the 'di-yislien maid, and I -wnz happy at bein the umble; instrooment uv plantin the grate institooshen on Northrin sUe. i But alas! owin 2 the peTVensity uv the human mind, aforesaid, it didenfi work. Old John Bodhammer razed hig COO with the gratest eeze, -wile Bdllj Snifiles, who wuz a workin fer him f«r 12 dolens a mumth, coodent fetch its Tkb Nasbt Lettees. 19 Podhatninor -went oyer to Bill's cabin, the next momln, and »ez ho, "'Vi'llyrim, fruin tIMs time liein,tz4tih, and furever yoo air my man. As all a slaiv lias is bis master's, the 18 dolea-s I owe yoo, or tJiit I did owe yoo afore tliis ties- Bid system wuz estaMisht, I sLel kepe, and as yoo h.€ivmoai' fumytoor than be- fits yoor lowly oooidishen, I wiU send a teem over to-mon-er, and tails yer bew- tow and stand, and bedstids up to my housf, and — " At this junct\ir in cums Mrs. Mrs. SnifHes, who kin lift 600 with old Podhiammer on the top uv it, and it wnz no time afore she diskiverd wat his Uznis wuz. She turned red in the fais. Sed she: "Yoor goiu to take my fumytoorV" . , i "Oertingly." / "And we air yoor slaivs'?" ' p "Uv ooarse." "And yoo km sell my children?" "Naterilly." ^ .J "Amd yoo kin Wik me yoor oonkebine?" "Ef I wish." V "Yoo old beest!" slhrSkt the infooriatid f email chattel, forgettin her Bormal cOndishn, "yoo eeli my babies, yoo talk my fua-nytoor, drat ye, I'll gir jre sum uv it now," wheireupon she hurled a ohare, wioh laid Mm piposti-ait on the flore, wen she pickt him up and flung him out the dore. It did no1i end here: Podhammer hed an his hand a patch-work coverlid, irioh he thiot he wood taik with Mm, and wen he cum' to he walked off with it, irhereupon Mrs. Sniffles hed Mm took up on a charge uv steelin, and he wuz iictooaly tride, found gilty, and sent to jail fer 30 ^daze. How kin we estab- lish Dimocratic institooshens, wen the carts wran't recognize the laws of nacher? IDhe experiment, for the present, hez the apperentz of a failyer. / PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster uv sed Church, in charge ESTABLISHES APEICAN SLAVEJRY. Church uv the Slawterd Innocents, (Lait St. Valandigum), Jan. 16, '64. Trouble air a camin upon me thicker and faster. "Men change, but princip- plles, never," hez bin a motto uv mine fer yeers, amd bleevin in the grate piincipple of the strong owning the week, or in uther words, Slaivry, I shel never ceese n^y efforts to maik it universal. Ther bein a onroesona'ble prejudis In the nunds uv the week uv my congregashen agircst bein the perpetooal ser- ■vanoe uv them as nacher hez maid to rool, I called a special meetin of my Sock to comsider the matter. I initerdcost the matter thus: By Hager I provd that slaivry wa? scriptooral. By "cusad be Kanan," et settry, I shode concloosively that the mgger wuz the indentikle indivijjle who wuz to bo the sed silaiv aforesed. Tftien it wuz put to a vote and it wuiz uuanimusly resolvd that Aferken slaivry be imterdoost amiongst us. I notist with pileasuie that the poorer the indiviqjle, the moar anxghus he seemd to own a nigger. Opinyuns wer then interchanged. Absolum Kitt, whio is a carpenter, and who never saved a doler, hevin alluz hed a sick wife ami a large family of ohildeim, Sed he felt that a grate work hed bin dun that nite. The prowd AnglOHsaxun whom nacher intendid to rool hed bin that nite cJewatid 2 Ms nor- fflieU speer. Hemtzitih ther wuz no moar labor fer Mm. He hed a contrak to bild a howse for brother Podhammer, and he hed- mo doubt that the bi-ethrin 20 The Nasbt LETifRS. who wniz ■blest Tviifh menes wooid malie uj) a puss, and enable him 2 iDny a nigger, carpenteir to do ibis work. BTOthe.1- BoidhammOT aroz. He ur coarse, -wooA Toe gla^l to assist brother^ Kitt, but dowty 2 his family reqwired a .diffirent Hne uv aisiksliea. His idee, "wuz to purcMs a nig'ger carpenter hisself, and — * "■V^^AT!" exclaimed Kitt. Brother Podbamimier rtsoomd. He intended to buy a. nigger carpenter his-, self, and bdld his bouse. The cheef buty uv tihe grate sjystem, and the wuu tbjrt maiks it altogether luvly, is that joo kin BUY yoor labor. "But," sed Kitt, "what kin I do if yoo work nigger carpenters?" "Troiofly," sez Podhamimer, "I kuo not. A carpenter Mn. be purcWst fer $1,000, the inteaiest uv wdch is $00, and his keepin say $100 more, per annum.; Now ef brother Kitt '11 cum to them wagis, and be'modritly umble, I mite, fer tis saik, foirego tha exquisit pleasure uv hevin a niggeir to flog, and still employ Mm." 'But," sez Kitt, turnin pail, "my family woold starve on them wagis, Wy, 1 mite.ez well be a nigger myself." ^ At this pint I lifted up my voice. lexoirted Bro. Kitt to patience. The grate Dimonratic idee that cappytal shood own labor mnsjt be establisht. It niay bare hard iipon indivijjles, but wat then? John Rogers went camly to th© stake fer principple. If Bro'. Kitt doth not like to accept his normel ooudishon to wunst, he can go to sum less favored country, wher the grate instoosion is not establisht Bro. Poidger, a blacksimdth, sed he suppozed the rich una wood buy a nigger blacksmith, and let him emigrait. ' Bro. Snipes, a plasterer, maid a simler obsepwa-sJiein. Bro. Punt, a bricklayer, remarkt likewise. AVhereupon, they all, in corns, similsrly exclaimed tlhey see ns d — d fust and then they vpoodemt. "WTiereupon they reconsidered the resolusheu establishin slaivry. Kitt and his herritix wux not at churdh last Sundy, and the PostmasteJ told me that they hed sent orf a club fer the Noo York Triboon. TrooJy, a reformex-'s Tordou is a hai^ rode to travel 1 beleeve. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster uv sed Church, in charge. , PEBACHES ON "THE PRODYGAL SUN." Church uv the New Dispeoisashxm, Januaiy 31, 1864. I My brethren and sistem: I shall ]njaik sum remarks this mornin based upooi the bootiful parable of the prodygal sun. I wood reed 2 yoo the passij, but the Bible I hev is the only wun in the toiwEship, and I lent it yisterday 2 Square Gravitt, who sed swaiin witnesses on almanacs woodent do in boss cases, and he hasent brung it back. Th^ skripter sez, in substance: There was a certain man who hed ,2 suns. The yuiigist hed a taist fer that branch uv agricultooral persoots known ez sowin wild olats. so he askt the old man fer his sheer uv the estait. He got it, turnd it into greenbax, and went off. He oommenst livin high — boarding at big hotels, and keeping trottin bosses, and playSn bilyards, and sdch. In about a year he run thro his pile, and wuz ded broak. Then hds credit' playd out, and he wuz In a tite place for his daily bred. The idee struck him that he hed better put for hum, wich he did. The old man saw him a cumin, and he run out and met him, and giv him a new cote, and a 'order for a pare of shoes, and kild a fat caff, and; hed flour The Is^a^bt tjETTEfts. ^l floins. 1119 ol3.mt hay obgeoteld 2 tliese, sayin, "Lo I liar servA thee th^ae menmy yeras, and thou never madest no splurge oyer me, but when this thy son, Tyho hez fooled away his pile, retuims, yo-i kill calyes amd sich." Then the old man retorts sayin, "My sun who wuz lost is found, the sheep who w«nt astray is cum back, let us be merry." My breihree, this parable applize ez well to the present time ez though it wuz maid fer it. TTnole Samyuel is the old man, the sutihem wing uv the Kmoieratic party Es tihe prodclygal, and the Abolishnist is the oldest sun. The south got tired and went off on its own hock. It haz, I maik no doubt, spent the heft UT its substance, and will ghoitly conclude to oum home. Now the gnite questioai uv the hiaiir is how shel he be reseeved. My friends, the lMmiocratic_^wl_i8jto ioller-tihe .scrijiter- wen.yoo can majj;.,* pint by so' doin. K~"ndlsi>ertieliieler case Grodlinis is gane, hallsHooigy, therefoux, let us 1)3 Godly. Let Unde Samyooel see the repentant prodygal afar orf— let Mm go out to seek him, er sead Fernandy Wood, and when lie hez found him let Mm fall, not upon his neck, but al his feet — ^let him put onto him the pei'ple robe wioh is royalty and upon his hand a ring, wioh is doauinion, wich is a improvement upon sicripter. But the Abolishnist, wfho is the elder sun, steps up and sez, "Nary. lie Wuz a dodu well, amd he wented out fnim us, takin awl tiiat wuz his own, and sech ez he oood steel, all uv wich ho hez spent upon such harlote as Afrikin slavery, Stait rites, and Suthrt-n indepemdenoe, wich last two men- Bhund is whited sepuCkers. 1 sent my sons Grant, and Rosycrance, and Ben- butler after ham, but lo! wen hei wuz strong and wiggerrus he did despitefully use them. Now that he is week from hunger, let him biiudle. Ef we taik hira to our buzems, let him cum on his nees. let him cast off the harlots that hav eedoost him, that ther may be no moar trubbie in all the land." My brethren, we must taik him back ez the old man did in the bible. Why, do you ask? Beooz he wuz alluz the old man's pet, and had tHnga his own way. We wuz his frends and shared with him the steelins, but sence he went out tIhe Abolishn brother and his frends hev controld things and whaa-e air we? Eko ansers no whair! We. okepy low plasis in the sinagog, and the dioggery keepers go moumin about thi streets and refuse to be comforted because ther casii is not plenty, and ef we taik back the proddygal shorn of his strength, of what avail is he to us? He must cum back as strong a-s ever, he must bring his harlots with him — ^he must ROOL! Then shel we hev the Post Orfises, and then sihel we agin live on the fat uv the land, dodgin the cuss uv labor. Brethrin, let us be diligent in ttiis grate work, instant in sees- on'ajid out of seeson. " A ooHeoshun wuz takin up fer the perpus uv sending a mishunary 2 Massa- cihusits, wich yielded 7 dolers. Ez the amount woodent pay the raierode fair, it. wuz voted to apply it on repairs on the church, wicih I did by having my boots haff-sold amd buyin a new hanker cher. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, ^ Paster uv sed Church in charge. DEEAMS. 4 Church u-" the Noo Kspeusashun, February 6, ISlii. I am nio speshel bleever in dreems. The giilf atwixt the material and im- material worlds is 2 wide to be spand by the bridj uv sleep, ur if spand at all, tiie way is 2 naiTer to make safe even the passij uv a nite-mare. (Poeticle 22 > The ITasby Lbtteks. idoe.) Still, the sperit (may, wen loost frum its lode uv clay, sore off in2 the dim fiidher, and retane a pocnshen uv its impreshns wen it agen okep.es its prisou-hoiwsd. Last Saterfy nite I hed a dreme. I bed bin a redin' "iOottoia is King," and seeh -vTwrk®, aidin my iindcirstaodin with frequexit drsvfts frum a bottel. oo^ntaimn ■'nacher's'last, best gift 2 man," arid I fell in2 a gentel slumber. I dreemd thai the Confodea-asy bed bin successful, that dt carrid ooit its arijinel idee, and he^ subjoogatid tlie Northern staits. Geffersou Davis wuz roolin at WaelhiDgbo^ under the title uv "Gefferso'n 'I, Empror uv ajll tihe Amerikys." The Senit anj Hews uv Repsentativs hed bin dun away with by decrees, and itihe biznis ni fiovomin wuz done solely by tho Empror and his ministers. All to wunst I wuz in Wasihtnton, a rolein along in a gorjus carige. I wuz sijrowat suiprizd at my persnel apperans. I wuz drest in flesh culered tites, with sandels om- my feet, with dimiind buakels onto ©m, and on my bed wuz a crown, makin me resemhle a play ooter I seed wunst a playiii Richord. Suddenly the carige stO'pt, and I alitid, and assended the steps uv tihe Palise. It wuz a resephun, and a cham- berliu wuz announdn the gests ez they aiTiv. "Earl von Seymxyr!" "Oount de Sammedaiy!" "Markuis Fenoandywc.'od!" and ez I stept forerd wat a gush- nv esstasy thrild thro my vanes ais the Aamiberlin (who wuz little SamcoXjV showtid, "DOCK DE NASBY!" O wat a moment! ■ My dreems oontinnerd. MeShawt the nobility wuz maid up uv the ofEseni uv the Confodrit armies, and seeh northern men ez hfiid bin troo to the C5on- fedrisy. The Northern staits hed bin diivided into diodkdums, and erlJums. and seeh — my tenitory extending forty miles eech way ftraim 'Wingert's Cor- ners, whair my diookal palise wuz sitooated. Niggers wuz dun away witih, ez all the white excepting the privligd classes wuz serfs, wich effectooalily settledi the question iiv Afrilcin siaivry. Tlie nobility ownd the land and tihe mfiabl-J tants wuz all pesaatry, payin to the lord uv the soM, ■tfifths uv the produi. I' wuz livin in stile. We ihed subjoogatid the Abolishnists, and wuz usin thdrj leadin men ez ooir meenyels. O, it wuz magnificent and gorjus. I arose every morniu with Sumner a holdin a bauson, and Waid a pouriu uv perfoomd water j over my hands, after wich Gim Ashly dryd em with towels. They wuz my. servance! Poetikle justi^. In short, Gefferson Davis, ez soon as he heci the power, hed decilaird the idee uv men govemin themselves a f ally cor, and hed revivd the old foodel sys-, tem. France and England hsd assisted him in establishn hieself, and hed jest got the thing into good runniu order. Oixa seen in my dreem filled mo full uv joy^ I thot I wuz in my dukel robes in my anoestrel halls, overlookin my Stewart, (editer Riaynumd, uv Noo York Times,) a reseevin triboot frum the liappy pesantry, wen I notist among em sum who hed refoos^d me credit in the days uv the R*epublic. Rage fi'Ud my sole. "Away with the hory mis-' creanice,," sihowtld I to my amnd serviters, "away with em 2 to the deepest dun- jen neeth the oastel mSte! ha! ha!" Just then I awoke. It wuz but a dreem, but it left am impreshen on my mdnd. "If we succeem tn smashin lanooln and his guverment," thawt I, "a monerkey must ensoo,] land, who nose, I may yet bo Dook de Nasby!" Filled with new zele I resoomdj Jaber on my semoKxa for the morrer, on the unconstooshnality uv the putti flown reibdyuus with, muskets, with renood wigger. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, , Paster uv eed Church, in charge. The Nasbt Letters. 23 ON THE EETUEN OP VALLA N DIG II AM. , ,'; , CShuTch uv tlie Noo DispensasTiun, ' June tihe 21et, 1864. Tjroy to the world — ^VaJlandigum is oum! The grate exel, in defianse uv the edix uV a usurpin despot, hez returned to has naytiy sile! G-loTy! My buzm BWells with emosihuii, and I leep for gny. "Welkam, Vadlandigum! OvergoyiJ ez I am, my sensashens air not all plesheni'ble. The return nr the dSstingisht dhampion UT Suthriu riles is sumwihat embamusisin. Tlie trooth 13, Vallandigum wuz not jest the man we wianMd for a leeder. He hez tun^-, without discreshun, wioh qwalitis hez ruind mienny huddin genuses. Seoli men can alluss succeed in kicldn up a dust, hut forchunatcly, they nlluz git srootherad in it. Vallandigum's we«l!knis is — ^Valtandigum. Shet him up in sekl'oodid spot, wltere he hed noboddy 2 blather to about hisself, and he*d expire in disgust in a week. 2 resoom. His return is unfortunit, beooz — "What will we do with him? Under Ms leedeirship, we wnz bein redr on the nradersined, and the entire DimeUratik party. Thsn wood we carry his deoeest karkis thro tlie North, with suthin to show on our chargiS uv tiranny. But with Vallandi- gnm at liberty and in good health, the fust, last, and only victim uv uncon- Btoo^hnel ueurpeshen air gone, and with it our oappytaJ. PBTEOLEUM V. NASBY, Pastor uv sed Church, in charge. INDOESES THE NOMINATION. Church uv the Noo Dispensashun, September the 1st, 1864. > Slory! Mit^ellan, the nasliun's pride, is niominatid! Beam a orthodox Dimekrat, the nominasheji soiots Ka! Nomdnasbens aUuz soots orthodox Dime-, 24 The Nasbt Letters. i I kra'ts! In tKrty yesus' experience, I novar kmew a nominashen that diuent.3j Me and my Church wuz for peese. We wuz Sor Suthsm rites. We| ■n-uz opposed to drafts, ajid hswi purcha-it revo.lvera. TheT4 tha ineomparihle Mickiellau wnz not our fust choice. The fact ia, the grate George wuz a war, man wunst> and -R-as the original inventor of 'drafts, wioh doo't mate him ez; acceptable to us ez he mite be. But th>re's a exooo-se for him. The Dlmok- i-asy must baxel in mind that the unforclinit man hed sunk sum 85,000 Ablish-.| iid'sts sumwher a/booit Kidhmond, and ez he , knew ur the prejoodlaj . c-xistiu agiu. Tolunteerin undfer him, he insistid on hevin uv em bi»t in byj draft. It wuz all done for the benefit uv the Dimoki-asy, beooz: The Dime-; krats drafted wood resist or run to Kan.ndy^he Ablishnists wood go, and, hal-; leloiQgy! but few of them wood ever return. On receet of the neiws i immejitly called my flock together, announsti _it to em, and gir em the foUerin breef sketch ut our oaudidate, ez fo]lows:| G-eorge B. MicMellan wus bom uv rich but hondst parence, sumwher in the yeer 18 — . (I luv acooorasy.) Tha nationality uv his parenoe I am no£: shooT uv, but from the fact that all the bitter old Know-Nothins is a support--! in -him, I shood think he wuz uv Irish extraction.- His greit pint wuz promptms and dieciision uv karicter, and these quality displayed itself at a erly period. It is on rekoi-d in the arkives uv the family' that he cried immejitly after he vniz bomed, and com-* menst nursin witihin a hour. He wuz remarkable at schcol for the same quality. No soomer did the clock strike noom, than young George would' promptly leeve the house. The fucher general wuz foreshaddered in the skill^ with' wich he robbed melon patches. He made reglar appnoaches, wich were sMllful, but his retreets wuz magnificent. He oood change his base bootiful — Jsihlftiu from melon patohis to orchards with naetnis and dispatch. Another', peekooliarity uv yonng George shows how tpoio is the sayin, that "The child is father uv the rman." Wile George cood aJluz very elaboritly stratejise his-' self int2 a melon patdh or oidhard, he never stratejised hisself out with any.^ melons or apples. He wuz edicatid at West Pint, and wuz finally made Preadent uv the Ohio and Miiissifeisdlp.py ' Balepode. Here his decishun agin showd itself. He OOTLseeved the bold ijee uv gravelin the rode, wuu momin, at 31 minits past 11. Wun yeer fpoan that time he anuounst to the Drektors that 17 labrers and an ekal mittjbeir uv wheebarrers hed bin prokoored, and he wuz bizzy, at that timej perfeotin a plan for organizin uv em. 2 months after he announst his pJan per-s fectid, and that opeiraahuns hed oommenst on a gnavej-pit. Four days of 4 brilyintly successful work foUered, wen he announst that ho wuz obleegd to suspend operaslhuns, that 5 wheelbarrers wuz broke, £..nd 7 lalbrers hed the diar- rear. He wood reorganize promptly, and pa-o«eed. Eeorganizin this forse, and perfe&tin -a. new plan uv approach, only okepied 8 nrxmiths, and the work woodj hfcV bin comimenst by this time, had not the war broke out. The pay of the Fed-^ lal Gnvment bein larger and more sui-er than the Oonfedrasy, he relinquisht| ralerodin and entered the Fedral servies. His military career is knowd by all on us. Suifice it 2 say, that no gen- eral wuz ever so beluvd South, and so hiated North, wich wuz wat prokoord his nominashen. Sdch, my bnethrin, is our candidate. T>at xis aU sink our prejoodisis, and? , elect him. The platform on wich he stands I endorse with my whole hart. I "iiaven't read it yet, but it must be good, for Valandigum made it. The poat-i oi::fi»es, the treasury, for wich we hev bin waitin 4 long, dreery yeres, is within The Nasby Letters. 25 aax wech. Let us, my brettoin, go in and wan. The dheerin for me will now commeose. A ooUeksliUB wnz taken np to defray expemsis uv the campane. $8 vmz reelizd, widi wtiz paid over to me. I sheil probably appei© Dhe tune of 30,000. We bot rewjlyeps in that stait, and lo! we ooammlttid sooacide -with em. We ar-3 a doTe, a peese dore, shoved out UT the politioal i:Tk. And tihe deluge of Ablishnism rageth mldly, and shows no sign ut sub- sidin. And we air weery, but kin find no place to rest our foot. Bestir thyself, O Lee! if yoo wood save us in November. On yoo we bet onv pile; yoo air mir anker and out cheefest trust. We preech in vane that the war is a faleyoor, while yoo air bein whipped once or twice a day. Be valiant, for goJd is goin down, and goods is goin with it, and the Ab- lishnjsts laff and the peeple is content. Whale Grant just wunsit, and spve us wun more chanse. lift us out uv the pit in2 wich we hev fallen — giv us solid gronnd to stand on. Then will our wailins be turned to joy, and our lomentationg to songs uv gladnis, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Paster uv sed Ohurch, in charge. P. S. — ^Tho printer will put moumin linos abuv aid below this letter. HAS A DEEAM. Cluiroh uv the Noo Dispensashun, October the 21st, 18G4. I am no bloever in gosts or dreeans, or sich, nior never wuz. Ef the tyrant Linkin, (wicU is a ape,) should draft m", ajid I shood be dragged to the teiitid fccld, a umvillin marter, I know I shood moich prefer meetin the gost uv a rebd soljor, \dch is a sahadder, than 2 enkounter wun in the' flesh, with a muskit and b-aynrti, wich is no shadder. Di-eams is likewise unsubstanshcl, and result, 9 eases out uv 10, from aboose uv the stummiick. I dreem but sel- dom, and wen I do, I ailuz attribut it 2 eatiu a pound or two more sassij, or drinkin a quart or two more wliisky, than i reely need, late at nite; and t never bleevd they wuz prophetik, becoz I don't allow that the seat uv projih- esy is looited in the stumick. These is my theory uv gosts, droems, and sich. I bed a dreem last nite wich 'left a impreshn on my mind. I lied' bin prcpar- in a sermon, provin that "Servants, obey yoor anasters," justified tlio ketdhin nv n)ggc3:s with dorgs, wen I fell asleep and dreempcl. Methawt I wuz dead, and hed laid in that stait 200 yefrs, and hed awoken, and found myself agin on earth. I saw nolhin p«jko.rl;,iT. JXhere wuz more ralewides, and more skool-hoiises, and in2 wun uv tho latter I vrrnt. > The skooi-marm wuz eggsainauin a class uv ymigsters in histry. '•Who wuz the grates* and gnodest men the Voonitid Staits ever vro- doosir "George Washington and Aberiiam Linkin." "What did they do?" "Washington ftnjndid the guvemment, ami Lhifeiu pnsmr/d il.*' "Who WTiz the wnst men the cwa;itry. prodoort?" A little girl anserd: 28 TiTii i. "Judath Ithcariot, Benetlict Arnold, Jeff Davitih and Vallandlstim." "Yoo air wrong, imy cihild," retortid the skool-marm. "Judas lived in an-c, other country, and be4 the others. They were so eimaer, howeyer,- that the errer is excoosaitJle. What did Arnold, and Davis, and Vallandl&um do?" "Arnold betrayd hie country, and took up arms agin It; Oavis rebelld agin , his guvemment, and Vallandigum helped him all he cood without gettin his- eelf into danger." "What names were given them ez opposed the govermnent, in '76 and '61?". 'Tories and (Dopperheds." _ "AVioh wuz the wust, the Tories or Ckipperfieds?" _| "That pint hez bin much discust, but no konkloosion hez ever bin arrlTj at." I "HoTV imenny times wnz Linkin electid President?'* " "TVo." "Hed he eniiy opposition for the sekkund term?" "Nun 2 speek uv. The rebels and C >pperheda run a diiSgracd Soljer, whosa name sum historyans giv ez Miekfadde.i, uthei"s as Micknellan, and uthers ez Mieklellan; but ez he receevd no votes iu the elektoral ooUiJi the elekshun wuz considerd uuanlmus. The Oopperhed candidate sunk in2 obskoority after tha war, and ho wuz forgiotten, wich wuz lucky for his chUdren." I notist about haff the ohildem hed on bloo ribbin; one-fourth wuz drest, ordinary, and the balenee hed a white rag pinned to their bax. I asked tha school-marm -what this indicatid. She askt me ef I wuz a furriner; to wich I auserd,- I wuz, a furrin prinse in dlsgise, on a. tow«r uv observashen. She replied: "Them ez hez bloo ribbEns is the descendants uv the soljers uv the^grate re- j bellion; them with no dekioratioms is desendid frum loyul men who wuz not soljers; and Ithem poor things vslio hev th^ white rag, (she bustid in2 teera, and wept perfoosely) are the unforchnit desendance uv — Oopperheds!" I visitid a oount-house. The case tihay wtiz tryin wuz slander. One man hed asserted that the great-'great-giiand father uv another, who wuz a. opposiu candidate for Gustis uv the Peese,. hod bin a Oopperhed. Plaintiff brot in'2' count a old paper printed in 1864, wich sbo\vd that sed aucester wuz on a Xia-^ kin sentrel komity. G-oory brot in a veixJick uv $10,000 for plaintiff. ii I awolce frum this dreem in a cold swet. "Is it possible," thot I, "thaS posterity will so regard us?" and for a minnit I wuz almost persuadid to boi aS Christian. But I thot uv the post-offisis, and sed to myself, "Wh-it is posteiityi to a ded man? Lieit me hev oflis, and the imenSs uv keepin my skin full uv whisky without work, and posterity may think wat it pleezis." And I re-. ■ soomed laber on my sea"mon. • •? ' PETROLEUM V. NASBY, ! Paster uv sed Church, in charge. HAS A'DIPFICULTY WITH HIS FLOCK AND LEAVES IT. '' Onto the Wing, Novembor the 10th, 1864. J- The dy is east! All is ore! Bf Freedom shreekt wen KossiUusco fpll,! she must hev squawlot last Toosdy nite as she beheld the inannymait corpse- uv Ihe Dimekratik i>ai-ty, which fell, croshing little Mack, and the hopes uvi sum hundreds uv thousens uv good Dimekrats, who spectid to be persuadid by ther frends in2 accepitin the various offisis under the guvmeat. I am a Host and rooiaed man. My peeple are uv the troo Dimekratid stripe. They hev faith iu me. They bleeve wat I teU em. I told em Mickle3 Ian wxiz certjn uv the elecshun, and that I hed ded-wood on the disposle uv j.ij.Li Xl^KiOJDX jujiiiii BS. 29 the offisis in that seckshim. It immejitly belsum a eezy matter to borrer mun- ny. It wuz deliteful — ^wood, O wood that it oood hev bill perpetooal. Brother Savij lenrt; me $50, ■with a request that I wood speek a good wiord for him for a fiuxin mishn. I assoomd a Tirchus look, and re^plide that I ustot eoild my inflooense, but that I alluz bed a admiraahen for his massir intellek and menny -viTCihooe. Broither Guttle lent me munny, ■wantin *his, and Brother Sludge wantin that; in breef, evry indivijjle uv em who lied a forebed a inch higb sp>3Ctid suthin. The returns cuim in. Ohio— LiuMn! "Good! 'Baih!" shouts I, with grate presemoe uv minid. "Why good?" anxsbusly asks the expectaiiits. "Becoz, to carry Obio, tbe Ablishcists must her brot votes from Noo York, wich wiU giv us tbat stait siboor." Noo York — Linkin! "Good Lord!" ansers I, promptly; "Ibe Noo Yelliu like Ousconorious Injins, "Give me my miumy!" whereupon I retreeted 2 the meetin-house, locldu myself in. They surroundid it, swarin they'd starve me out. When a innocent boy, I red a harroin tale uv a Raoshn muther who wuz persood by frantic wolves, and who saved her own life by droppin her chil- drin to em wun by wun. My privit barel uv whisky wuz in my study— I wuz saved! I histid it out uv a winder, and calmly awaitid results. They flockt around it— they took turns ajt the bung-hole. In wun short hour they wuz stretched helpless on the plane, ded drupk. Then and there I resined any charge, and borrerin sich munny and watches ez the ungrateful vsretohes hed ■ about em, to make up arrears uv salary and sich, bid adoo 2 em furever. I shell go to Noo Grersy. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Ohurcb uv the Noo Dispensashun. TAKES A EBTEOSPBOTIVE VIEW. Saint's Best (wich is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey), November the 14th, 1864. Retrospex is profitable. By castin a prophetic eye backwards, a massive intellek kin disseru errors wich hev bin made, and Idn dodge em in the dim and misty fuoher. The old Dimokrasy was wopt in the larst campane, solely -and entirely 30 The becoz nr its own stoopidity End cowardis. I say it boldly. "We didn't bleeve in the war— we wnz opposed to it in the beginnin; we wantid the gurment revolooshnizd to keep Noo Ingland, wich is spredin herself all over, the West, fnim submergin tJie entire Dimekratik pai-ty- Our bark vniz cm the ' sea^laiyry wuz its ank©r, its jib-boom, its rite forrerd ima-st, its bow-sperit, its keel, its all. Slaavry wuz our best aud only holt. The Suthners wauAid con- trol uv the nashen, that they might use the sed nashen for the excloosive bene- fit uv slaivry. Werry good. They held all lihe big oirfiisis for them purpua; but, thank HoTin, the slaTeholders ooodent hoad all the orfisis! Ther wuzn't enuff uT em, halleioojy! They coodn't come up North and bold tflie iM>st-or- j fisis, glory! O them good old limes! They wuz libral and eezy to pleez^ .': They allowed us to hov a President occasionally, ef we presentid a man who oood give bonds to em 2 perform ez they dosired. Peerse wuz one tit this kind, and Bookannon wuz another, aud the larst. Ther labor wuz complikatid and severe. Peerse bed to establish the immaculate oonsefpshun uv Popler ' Suvrinty, agiust aJl Dimekratik presedeni, and poor old Bookannon wuz forced 2 strangle the noo-bom baby, and give ^irth 2 tihe lieoompton bill, wich. • wuz a severe operasihen for one so old and trale. Noo Ingland rebdd, and electid liinliin. The South appeled 2 arms. Then, wuz our golden opportooonity. We shood hev took up arms, druv the yooser- per from his seet, and installid in his place a. sound, oonservativ, constooshnd Dimekrajt. Uv ooorse, the Ablishnists ' wood hev resistid. Ah! I sbood want em to. I>oth tihe majestik eegle appeze Ms royal appetight on bare bones? He dothent. The fat and joosy karkis is wat ids hart desires. O how I wood hev liked to hev led a, regiment )iv such braves ez ifihem fremds uv the lait Govemor Seemer, whio killid the nigg?rs in Noo York, lastl yeer, thro the rich , towns uv Massychusitts I AA'her the Ifarlds is, ther the buzzards will be also. ^ We didn't do this. Wat wuz Che next best thing? Cleerly to elect as Presi- 1 dent a Dimekrat who bed Dimolcrasy enuff to turn the guvment over to its /legitimit owners ez soon ez he got it. A imcomdishnefl peese man wuz wat we • wantid, and on a uucondishnel peese platform. We bed bed three yecrs uv ' war, uv taxis, uv drafts, and a whalin draft wuz a hangin over us at the time. We wnz shoor uv 6 classis, to-wit, viz.: i The Dimekrat proper who got his pallytix by fnheritanee. f The casbeerd army orfisers, dlsmlst beooz they disapproved uv the man- >| ner in wich the war wuz bein conduktid. ' The gentlemanly oontracters •\\'ho bed furnisht !hoss-beef and dhoddy cloth ' 2 the soljers, and bed bin caiigbt at it. ' The cowardly cusses, who wuz afeerd uv drafts. The oappytalists, who bed investid in Opnfedrit bonds. The miserly cusses, who jrroaned at taxes. Heer wuz a array — a phalanks that coodent be^ broken; for wen a man in '■ mean from interest, argumont won't tecih him. It's a shootin paper wads ■ agingt a iron-clad. Yoo mite ez well whisper G-ray's Elegy in2 the ear uv a ded | guvment mule, wich is sed 2 be the dedest thing on earth. -^ But Micklellen wuz nominated. O, wat stoopiiiity! It wuz dun to ketch '; the War Dimekrats, they sed. Ths War Dimekrats lifted up the General's kote-tale and found Pendleton there, and they skatterd. The anti draft a.Tid anti-tax Abilishnisits thought they'r ruther be taxt and draftid by Iiiu- kin, who bed alluz drawd it mild, than by Micklellen. The sojers rerae)>i- bered Ghickahominy swamps. The shoddy tbeeves knowd they d stand r<> chflihee against snob expert practishuers ez the Woods, amd Touci^y, and si(*J and so we wuz beeten. The Nasbj Letters. 31. I her hopes that we will yet liiim out rite. GefPson Davis Is arniin the. ni...gers; the Dimekraijy h&y seed the folly uv philamieriii after war; and wun, gi -d Confedrit viciry will si't me up agin. Let the Dimekratik viiriiis keep their lamps full iiv ile and trimmed. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Liate Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. "WAILETH AND CUSSETH." Siaint's Rest, (widil is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey), Deecimher the 26th, 1864. Tve heei-d from Savanner! I hev red ut it. Fancy the feelin uv a man ■trho hed ben fear weeks spectin 2 heer uv Sherman's bein emtirely dhawd up by Hke undauted SuAem milishy! The follerui improimptoo cuss and wale (ekaUy mixt) reflex the stait uv jnimd uv the Dimokrasy uv ■this sekshun. Hart-fflck, weery, alone, bustid. Gone-up, flayed, skind, hung out. * Smashed, pulverized, shiverd, soatteni. '' PhyBlkt, puked. Wed, blistered. Sich is IMmokrasy! Alone I sit, like Marius, among the rooins! Alone 3 silt and cues, and this is any cuss: Cussid be Calhoon, ftor he interd(X>st us to that paintid harlot, gtaits Rites, wto sedoost us. Cussiid be Peerse, who oonsentid ,2 the Nebrasky bill, wioh bustid us. Oussid be Bookannon, who favored I;ec"omptou, wich peeled "us. Cussid .be Breckinridge, who woodent support Diiglis, and 'iectid Linkiu, wich give O'Ur post-orfises 2 Ablishnjsts. Cussid be the post-masters— may th(>y bekum suddently insane, and wildly go 2 trustiu out postige stamps to Dimekrats. Cussid be Grant, 4nd Sheriden, and Bosycrance, for they've dun for Demokrasy. Cussed be them as went in the anmy Dimekrats and cn.n out Ablishnists. (Vvieh is a epvydemic.) Cusad be VaJllandigum, wich went a practisin law, leeviu me in the Dimokrasy blznis alone, without emny oappytle to run on. (SPESHLT HOT.) Cussid be Sherman, for he took Atlanta. And he marcht thro the Confedrisy. and respected not the ftelius -nv enny- bwly. Hi.. I am 3 sko're iu yeei-s, but I hey consiuuied enuff whisky for a. iman uy a hun- dred. Therefore I am re^lily. Whenever the Dimiokrasy finally pegs out, I want to go likewise, for with it my niishn is ended. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Pa-ster uy th^ Church uy /the Noo Dispensashun. THE FALL OP EECHMOND AND LEE'S SUEEENDER. ^ Saint's Rest, (wiph is in the Stait uy Noo Gersey), April the 10th, 1865. I survived the defeet uy P.rt-fikinrid»e in ISGO, beooz I knowd the Dim- okrasy eood ras up in. arms agin the unconstooshnality uv electin u seckshiml President, who wuz impregnatU with any seokshnal ijees that he got north iiy Mason and Dixon's line. I survived the defeet uv Micklellan (w(ho wuz, trooly, the nashen's hope and pride likewise), bei-oz I felt assoored that the rane uv the goriUer Linkin wood be a short wun; that in a few mouths, at furthest, G-inral Lee wood capcher Washinton, depose the ape, and set up there a constooshnal guver- ment, based upon the grate and immutable trooth that a white man is better than a nigger. I sur>'iyed the loss uy Atlanta, and Savanner, and Charleston, becoz, depend-' in on Suthern papers, I bleeved that them places wuz given up — ^miud, given up — becoz the Oonfedrits desired to conspntrate for a crushin blow. > I survived (the fall uv Richmond, tho it wuz a staggrer; becoz I still hed faith that that grate and good man, Lee, did it for stratejy, that he might consenti-ate hisself sumwhers else; aad ^yhen the Ablishnists jeered me, and sed "Riehmond," and "Gro up, bald-hed," to me, I shook my fist at em, and sed, "Wait, and yoo'U see." I wuz a lookiu for the tAow that wuz to foUer this consentratin. It cum! But it wuz us who reseevd it, and a deth-blow it wuz. Ajacks defied the iitenin; eood he hey bin a Northern Dimekrat, and stood this lick unmoved, he mito hev dun it -with perfek safety. ' "Lee sun-einderd !" Good hevins! Is thi? the end uv consen&atin? Is this the dyin iu the Inst ditch? Is this the fightin tDl the last man wuz a inanimait corpse? Is this the bringin \ip the childem to take itheir places, ez the old ones peg out under Yankee bulUts? "Lee siirrenderd!" Why, this ends the biznis. Down goes the curtain. The South is conkered! Conkered!! CONKERED!!! Linkin rides into Iliehmond! A Illinois rale- splitter, a Imffoon, a ape, a goriller, a smutty joker, sets hisself down in Pres- ident Dayis's cheer, and rites dispatchis! Wher are the matrons uv Virginia? Did they not bare their buzums and rush on2 the Yankee bayonets that guarded the monster? Did they not cut their childern's throtes, and wavin a Confederit 34 The Hasbt Lettehs. . 1 flag in one hsnd, plunge a meat-knife in2 their throlibin buzzuma with •'P totier, iiathe.r than see their city dishoiiored by the tred UT a conkerer's foe Alars! not wunst. Pea- contrai7. I reed in the papers that they did ru^ wildly thro? streets, with their children in their arms. But St WTiz at the Yankee commissaiy trains, who giv em bread and me| wich they eat vociferously. Their buzzums •wiiz bare. But it wuz becoz their cloze bed worn ouit, and they didn't kn'OW hoTy weare cloth for new wuns. , In breef, they aotid about ez mean ez a Northern Dimekrat ever did, ai to go lower is unnesessary. i This ends the chapter. The Canfederasy hez at last oonsentratid its lal consentrate. It's ded. It's gathered up its feet, sed its last words, and d oeeat. And with it the Dimokrasy hez likewise given up the ghost It mi suj^ve this, but I can't ste how. Wa staked our pohtioaJ fortune on ^ we went oui bottom dollar oni it; 'it's gou« up, and we ditto. lyinkin will serf his term out— the tax on whisky won't be repeeled — our leeders will die < uv . chagrin, and delirium tremens and inability to live so long ouit uv offis, in the sheep will be skattered. Farewell, vane world. I'D embrace the Catho! faith and (be a nun, and in a cloisteir find that rest that poUytix kin never jav PETROLEUM V. NASBY, i Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo IMspensashnn. "MAKES A DELEGASHUN UV HISSELP," A]SD VISIT THE PEESIDENT. Saint's Kest, (widh is in tihe Stait uv Noo Gerse"^,, May the 21st, 1865. L AH the Staits uv the North, and the heft uv them resently subjoogatid, « the sosieties, associashuns and churohis that ever I heerd uy, hev 'sent del gashuns for the purpus uv voCunteeriu advice 2 .Tohnson, the noo PrcsMeii Feelm that Noo G-ersey ^ood not be behind in the advice bizniss, I electl myself a deilegashun, borrered a clene shirt, and traveled 2 Washintoa; I wuz amnounst ez a "delegashun frum Noo Gersey," and wnz to wrmst ushei iu2 the presents. I ""Wher is the delegashun?" ejakoolaitid the President; "hurry em up, fl I've thirteen moi'e to reseeve this afternoon." "Androo Jonsbn," sed I, impresslvly, "I represent Noo Grersey, a Sta that hez jest dim honor to the deceest President." ^ "Troo," returned he; "sioh Staits honor patiiots — after they're dead." "I resent t!be insinooashun, with skorn. Ez proof that the muMer uv .tl Presddent wrung the popler hart uv Noo Gei-sey, let me say, sir, that ^ Camden and Amboy Drekturs, at a meetin called for the perpus, abelo votid 2 cany iho corpse uv the deceest President over the road for half-fiiil a honor never be4 akordid to onny 'livlu or ded individ.iiK)al. But let • th: pars. Noo Gersey needs mo speshl pleeder. Ther she stands. Look at her-^ yoo bev a mycrosoope. ■ "I cum, Andiw), ez a originel Dimekrat, who, whatever other ans he m! hev oommiiitod, never skratcht his tiokit er dilootid his wiiisky. ■ In behafi thait Dimokrasy I speak. "Ez hez bin menshund 2 yoo wunst er twi.^, a immense responsibll rests on yoor i^olders. The Suthem Staits stiru'ggled for ther rites, but w^ The Nasbt Letters. SB' lurfdht. They fougtut like heroes, Tjvit fell, beooz nv ovevpovnia numibersl jin em. They're dcx\vii— yoor iron heel is on2 their necks. Wliat -will yco do? ^ill yoo griud em, er will yoo be magiianimus? "Wunst we wnz a happy nasheu, and we kin be so agin — ^it rests with yoo. 00 must consiliate the Dimokrasy. Our party North is magnanymus. We tau'd reddy to fergive yoo for hevin draftid us, for heviu taxt us to support a iiconstooshnel war, providin you'll stop now. Woo our Suthern brethriu back rith jentle woixls. They air a high-speritid and sensitive race, that kin never f> subjoogatid. Take em agin 2 yer todzzum, and don't hooimUiate em by de- radin eondishnjs. Give em a chanse 2 fergive us for Ts-halln uv em. Restore ler niggers, pay ther vrar debt, invite Magoffin, and Vance, and Brown, lid the rest uv the guvners, back 2 thrir v.'i.rious capitols — ^^give Lee, and For- 5t, and Boregard ther posishns in the reglar army, 'and penshun the disabled fonfedrit heroes. "Ther mustn't be no hangin. Tou've got that unfortnit staitsman, Davis ^he fell in2 yoor hands becoz he wuz iguorent uv the style uv yoor (lait Ljfi- iu's) minyuns. He mite hev knode that the soljers never seed a woman takin > the woods without chasin her. But he must not be hung. Dimokrasy >oks upon the matter thus: "You can't hang a man for oooispirin agin a guvment onless he talks up rms. "Ef a few take up arms, it's only a riot, and no hangin matter, 'oept when SjbHshniists liSila John Brown do it. In sioh cases hangin is alluz in, order. "Ef a number uv Staiits do it, it's a revolooahen, and- them ez yoo oapcher lust be treeted ez belly jiggerants and pi-izuers uv war. To hang prizners uv lar, Androo, is murder. "This wood probably satisfy the South. At the North less 5s reqwired. ?he Dimokrasy is easily eonsiiiatid. Give our leeders enuff of the offisis 2 iipport em, ■with tihe privilidge uv managin things to soofe-jis, and the trubble ^ ore. On them terms we'U support yoor Administrashen, or eiiny uther [lan's, corielly and hartily, and peese will agin wave her white pinyuns over he land, and will oontinyoo 2 wave em onitE the Suthern hart is agin fired. "I hev dun — ^Noo Gersey hez spoke." I rather spect my words will bear froot. Look out for a change uv polisy. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Ldit Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispeusa,shuu. SBAECHES THE SCEIPTUEBS, AND GETS COMFDET THEEEFEOM. >,'■,' -' Saint's Rest, (widh is in tihe Stait uv Noo Gersey), August the 11th, 1S65. The contempla^en uv* the nigger hez, in time past, given me a grate deel IV trubble. Nigger hez to me bin a inkubus — a niteraare. I never oood spe vhy the species wuz creatid; never cood I vmderistand why they wuz put onto be face uv the earth, any more than toads or other disgustin obgeoks. But ast nite a lite bust onto me — ^I seed it all. I wuz loTv-speritpd and deprest. Jeff Davis a pinin in u, loathsum dungun -the English eappytalists a moumin for their cotton bonds, and refusin to he omforted beeausie the Oonferlrasy is not— Mrs. Surratt' a danglin in the air— uilitary courts plenty and habis corpusis skarce — the looseuis with wich leeple put thei- munny into 7-3fl's— the soJjere retumin and goin for constoosh- •Dimekrats, and the giural dymoralizatiou uv IMmokrasy, all conspii'ed to 4 36 The Nasby Letters. ' ' ■ j .j give mo the iorrors, and to add to my dlsUvss, the jug wuz out! To avoii madnis, I took up tho Bdble (1 board wjth a justice uv the peese, who hez to keep one to s-ware witnesses on), and happened to open at tihe trch chapter ut Jeunysds. Yoo knoiw all about that blessid chapter. Noer, after the water went down, cam down from Aryrat, went into farimn, and plantid gi-apes extensive. One day ho took a nip too much, and laid dowa w:th insuffishent clothin onto him. Hi-: 'Id son. Ham, seed him in tha.t fis, and when Noer awoke, while his hair wuz still pulUn, he cust Mm, and his posterity, and sed they sliood be servanco foresvr. Hann (wich in the original Hvo-guai-d, and he halteth me, ez wun herin authority. And my tender daughter spit on liim, and lo! he arrested her, and she laa- tuisheth in the guai'd-house. My eyes dwell on him, an my sole is a Artesian weO UT wo ; it gusheth with greef. For that nigger wnz my nigger! I bouglht him witlh a price, Alas! that nigger is out of his normal oomdishn; he is a. star out uy its speer, which sweepefch thro the politJkle hevins, gmashin things. Normally, he wuz wutb gold and silver — now Jie is a nitemare. Wunst I wuz ridh, and that nigger wuz th« basis thereof. "V\'o is jne! I o'v^nied him, sole, body, muscles, sinioos, blood, boots and breeohis. Hia intellek wuz^miue, his body wuz mine, likewise Ids labor and the froots thei-eof. His -wife wuz mine, and she wuz any oonkebine. The normal results of the conkebinage I sold, oomibining pleasure and profit in .1 eminent degree. And on the price thereof I played poker, and drank mint-gooleps, and rode in gorgus chariots, and wore purple and fine linen every day. Vk'iwj this niisoegenashun, or negro equality? Isot any. For she wuz mine, even as my ox, or my horse, or my, sheep, p.nd her increase wuz mine, even as wuz theirs. Ablishn miscegenashun elewates tho nigger wemch to his level. I did it for gain, wioh degradeth her muchly. And when the wife uv roy buzm lifted up her voice in complaint, ^yin, "Lo, I am abused— tlhis Mttle nigger resombleth thee!" half the price uv the infant ehattel wood buy a dimund pin with wich to stop her yawp. And my boys foUerd in my footsteps, and grate wuz the mix, but profit- able. But my dreem is bustid. The nigger is fi'ee, and demands wages for the work uv his hands. His wife is free, and she can decide whether she'll cleave to her husband, or be my oonkebine. Yisterday I bade her come to me, and, lo! she remarkt, "Go 'way, white man, oa- I'll bust yer bed." And I gode. Her childern are free — ^they are mine, likeiwise,but I can't sell em on the block to the highest bidder. "^ Therein Linkin sinned — ^he violatid the holiest and highest instinks uv our najcher; he imterposed a proclamashen atween father and child. We took tiha heathen from Afreka, and wuz a makin Ohiistians uv em. Wo to him who stopt us in our mishnarj' work. It ia written — "Kin the Ethiope change his skin?" I wuz a changin it for him. I and my fatheirs, and we hed mellered it down to a brite yallej-. Park is roy f uoher. 38 The Nasbt Lettz»8. I obeyea iSbs grate law nv laboT, ez I eerreltl In! the anny, bJ* •abBtwoofc Now shel I hev to stane my hand with labor, or starre. In what am I better than a Northern mudsiE? I kin get no dimran-d pins fur the wife uv my buzum, and she yawpeft con- tinyooaUy. Arrayed in hum-spun, she wra sties with pots and kettles iu the kitchen. Weighed 'down with wo, she dips snuff in silence. Sh« asks uT me comfort— wat kin I say, whose pockits oontane only Ooo- fedrit skript? Save us from "Massychusits, wich is ornery and cussid. Protect us fram nigger soj«rs, wich is grinning feends. I Shelter us from thei ghost UT John Brown, which is marcbin t/u. ■' petroleum: v. nasbt, : S IJait Paster uv the Church UT the Noio DiBpemsashun. «^ / THE WISE OLD EAT. A CI/ASSIKLE FABLE, DESINED 2 ILLUSTRAIT THE IJEE UV " PLTJCKIM THE FLOWER SAFETY FROM THE NETTLE DANQEE," AFTEE AESOP, WHO WTJZ HEVT ON FABLES. Wunst upon a time, a wise old rat whose gray hares showd concloodTly to the most ordinary inteUek the wisdom that j'eei^ and experense kin only give, startid out a foragin for the wants ut h£s luTd wuns 2 hum. He hadn't been engaged in this ardjous dooty but a short lime, wen he wn^ surroundid by a small, but intensely wlckid boy, who 2 wunist give chase. The wise old rat, nioit hevin bin a home gard, run, and in runnin feJl in2 a dry cis- tern, wich wuz abooit 17 feet deep. It wuz jest dark, amd the boy (seezin a shingle, huv It at Mm. It mist its aim, and her wuz about heevin a brick, wen he betihunk hisself thus: "Hold," sez he, "he can't git out. I will let Mm stay, and to-nrorrer Til hist Nip, Toy tanier, in, and it'll be hunky fun 2 see Mm kiU him." UpoQ wlcih, with a sardonic grin orespredin Ms utherwise inteHeiktooal oountenanse, he strode hajwtily away. The wales uy the entrapt wun soon brot 2 th<< spot Ms niooimerus progeny and their mother. In agony uv spirit, they wrung their paws and cried — " "Bald-hed, cum up." "Verily wood I," sez he, "but how? No, no, my cMldren — it's all up with me. Ijeit daylite return, and I'm a goner. My time is short. Bless you, wife uy my buzzum— bless you, produ-x ut our chased Iut. I bed hoped 2 heT lived loitg enuff 2 hev tawt yoo the neetest way uv chawin thro a, cubberd, uv dodgin oats, and uv sucMn eggs, but fatel is to3 menny for me — I suckkuin." At this miomenohusj crisis a hevy rain sot in. Now," sez he, "I am shoiorly gone. The cistern will fill witti water, and I shel drown. O, lion-id fate, that I shood live toi be a d^o^^^ldid rat!" The rane fell, and soon the bottom uv the cistern wuz oovei-ed. In his des- pare ihe notist the sMngle a floatin, and iu hopes uv prolomgin his life a few maiuence, he sprang onto it, and began disclosiii to Ms wifo the locashen uv a cheeze he bed discovered, when observia that the shingle bore him, he stop^j suddently. Hiig vrife begged Mm to go cm, and not let so ilmiportant a sekrit die •with him. ^ "She* up," retorts he, in Ms anshent way; 'ef this lane holds out long enuff] I'm ez gw>d ez a. dozen ded rats." I'he Nasbt Letters. 89 Shoos emiff, it did rane till the cistern wuz fuill, the rat menetime floatin comfoDtably on *he sdiingle. Wen i(, wuz quite full, Ihe paddled it to the side ■nitm .Ms fore-feet (stearin with kis tala,) and gaily sprang onto terry lirmy, wJoh is Latin for dry land. * * • That nate ther wuz goy in the habita^'heo ut that rat. He gathered his cibMrein about him, and tellin them the story uv his advenoher, moralizd thus to con: ' "Observ, my ehildom, that blessins cum to us yery frekently in disgise. We murmur at teariens, wich rend us with n ctnis and diispatdh. But mark. Hed not that boy hjcd a rat-terrier he wiQiod hev dispatched me with brix. Th\TS is the evil desires uv the wickid made to work good for the saints, nv whom I aim which. "How I dredid tliat shingle! Yet, but for that shingle yorval— on the Grampian Hills my fathcj fed Ms flox, a froog-al swaue, and when the odd gentleman pegged out hi ■willed em aH 2 me. I sheer them she 'P, and w!U5h the wool, and card it aa^ spin it, and weave it, and make it into garmence. Why, Abqji, cood not naeheJ her made my sheep to grow rolls instid uv woi>l, and feaved me the tmbWe.' "My jentle frend," replied Abou, "go thy ways. H6ntz4th thy sheep she grow roills insUd ut woiol." (A week er sich a matter is sposd 2 hev ©lapst.) The sturdy yomanry returned. "Wat now?" sed Abou. "Wuz noij thy desire gratified?" "Yea, muchly," replide the higih-mrndid eorastif/>oent ; "the sheep grew roHi »nd good rolls, too. But, great Abou, wliy ooodent naoher, while she wu! about it, her made the sheep grow yam instid uv rolls?" "Go to thy naMr miouutins. Thy sheep shel grow line yarn, iir mennj color's." (Another week gose by.) "Agin here?" sed, Abou. "Artest thow not satisfide? Wat woodest thou now?" "Mity profit! all things is ez easy ez turnin Jack frnm the bottom, 2 thee. My sheep grow yarn. Is it askin too mueh to hev them gix>w cloth! Then wood my labor be lightened — I shood hev but to cut it and sew it inSI garmence." I "Be it so; but bother me nio more. I am oheirman \\r the executir com- mitty uv my ward, and the ©lecshim is but 3 weeks off. Go and be satislida Ololh it is." (A week passes by, like a dreem.) "Mighty Abou"— ..!,...... ■•■ • "How now? Thy importunity displeesss me. I her 3 times grantid thj desires. Wat wantest thou noiw?" "Mighty Abou, trooly at thy biddin my Mereemos, wieh I iimportid fnin Vermont, hev yeeSdid rolls, and yarn, and cloth. Why, O profit, coodent thej "jest ez well grow clothin reddy-made, with a Amenyldn watdh in the fob, aiu a pocket-boiok filled with greenbax and a plug uv Caveaidish tobacker in th( trousis-pokkit? Grant me but this, and"— "Away, ongrateful, ajid let me see thy f^ce no more. I grantid thy ah surd wishes, to show that nacher did jast aU foir us that we needed — ^that th^ balance we must wiork out ourselves, and that hed she dun miore wei wood Sjti] hev bin dtssatisfide. At fust, 'twas rolls, then yam, then cCoth, and now jix want close reddy-made. Go back. Yer sheep grows common wool agin. Spo."!! in I hed gird yoo all yoo askt — wat, O miseraJble, wood yoo her hed 2 do? Yoc Avood becum lazy, filthy, and rotten. Yoo wood loaf around groceries, mix iiia poUytix, and becum a noosance to yerself and friends, liabor is hevin's lawl Nacher givea ns the raw material, and 2 keep us busy slie requires us tf work it into fchape. Nacher gives us koi'n — it is our dooty 2 make it i.n2 whis ky, and sich other produx ez go to sustane life. Without labor life is a cussi with it wo air happy. A bizzy man haznt time to reflect upon wat a mizzabli ciiss he is, vrich reflexion in mem ur high minds wood lead to sooiside. Go thj ways. Be virchus amd yool be happy." Mooriil.— Employment uv wun kind er aaiother is a necessity. For my pari The Nasby Letters. 41 1 keep mysdt bizzy iu •g:ittJa a livin orf uv other people's labor, and, in the'se degenei-ate days, it's jest all I kin do. Uon-d Number 2.— The more we git, tlie mOTd we -want. (Wioh is now.) PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Obm-sh nv the Noo Dispensashun. tPTBR THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS, 1865. ' ' Saint's Kest, (wicl\ is in the Stait uv Noo Gersey), _,. '.,,., , October the 11th, 1865. Ohio, Ablishn! , - Penusylvany, Ablisihn! Noo Gtersey, not eggsackly Ablishn, but approaohin therexmto. Sich is the encouraffin news I read in the newspapers this mornin! Sich is the result uv labors Hercoolian, in the aibore-named Staits. What do the people mean? The pure Dimokrasy, probably, will carry Noo York; but uv what coHso- jlation is that to me? The two i^rties, the old, ansh©nt Dimokrasy and the JAblishu, run a raioe iu2 tlie realms uv Iladiikalisini, and the Dimokrasy beat them over H. length. With a platform staadiu by JoJmson, endorsan his anti-slaivery iioshens, his Suthern oppression noshens, his hangin uv Mrs. Surratt, et settry, land on tbat plaitfoim a soljer who never votid a Dimekratik ticket in his life, jwho went into the waj?' a Eadikle Ablighnist, and who cum out a Radlkle Ab- ilishnist, I don't know that I hev much mucb to choose atwceu em. Last week I •wu\ invitid into a county in Noo York, to address a Dimekra- tik meetin. I axx!eptj!d (ez my expensis were paid, wich is cheeper and better boardin than I gefl atythe groseries to hum), and akkordJnly I went. I com- loenet delivei-in tbe aipeech I bed yoosed all over Noo Gersey. I commenst abusin tihel nigger, wBein the cheerman inteoruptid me. "Well," sez 1. "wia;t-!s it?" rather angrily, for I git warmed up and a sweat- in, and don't like to be interruptid. "Why," sed he, "our oonstooshn allows a nig'ger who (h^ $250 to vote, Snd most uv em hev that sum, and we make it a pint to sekoor em." ' "Thf^'r© a d — d site better ofE thau mioist uv us white Dimekrats in Noo Gersey," retortid I, a droppin the nigger and goin on agiji President Johnson. "Stop," whispered the oheerman; "our platform endorses President John- son." "Thunder!" remarked T, droppin President Johnson, and .slidin easily into a wiggerus deuun^atioin uv the war. "Good God!" sez the cheennan, "stop! Our platform endorses tho war." I sed nuthiii this tiime, but commenst denouiiicin the debt. "Hold!" sed the dheei-man; "easy — e'sy—our platform backs up the debt'"' "Well, then," s-cd I, in ii rage, "why in blaz.V'' difln't yoj senj me a copy IJY yoor platform when yoo wandd me to address yoo? Go to thunder and yoor own speeiches;" and I stawked off the platform. ^" Time wuz when wun speech wood do a man all over the North. Now yoo lev to hev a diffifnt wum for every Stait, wich malses it imposisible for me to travel, for wun effort per season is enuff for me. But, ez I wuz a sayin, we are beat agin, and beat badly — ^beat on issues i;v our own makin — ^beat -wUh taxes, boi.ds, war debt, and nigger equality all In our favor. Don't say to me that we redoost their majorities. What dif- frence does it nuike td a defeatid candidate, whether the majaiity agin him Is pne thousand or one hunidred? A needle will kill a man ez effectooally ez a broadsword, ef it's stuck in the right place. So a majority uv wun is enuff. "3 42 The Nasby Lettkrs. 'j 4 I tev known men to hold orfises four years, and heT gO'Oci appetites, on a ma-< jc-i-ity ur wun. It's the orfises Tve wuz a goiu for— it's them our patrio-ts wan- tid, and it's no oousolatioai to them to say tliey mist by a small inajorityi It's a hoJler mookeiy— .the same ez tho you'd stow a starvin man a loaf ut bread jest inside uv iron bars— Ms fingens a,re TJiot a incb fromi it, but, so fan ez Lis crayin stumick is ooneeamed, it mite ez ^vell be across the boundless ocean. Wemayrecoyer from Ibis backset, but I bev my fx?ars. The peeple is ez stoopid ez erer, and our leeders is ez akoot ez ever; but alas! the fact that we bey failed fu ereiy thing we hev undertook, for four years, is gettin thro the bair ur tbousajids, and they look askant at us. Be it ez it may, it makes but littile diffreaoe to me. A few years, and I shel go hentz. Ef the Bible is troo, I shel go where I mil find a heavy Dime- kratik majority, shoor; ef it is not, and there is no hereafter, why, then, at last, I shd be on a level with the best "So let the wide world wag ea it will," I'U keep on the even tenor uv my way, t.ikin rmy nii>s ez often ez I kin find a oonfidia sole wbo ihez more motoey than diskreiliun. ~- PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Ijait Paster ur the Ohurch ur the Noo Dispeusashun. S^'' '- APTEE THE NEW JERJBT ELECTION, 1865. (The oarryiing lof New Jersey by fihe Republicans in 1$65 was a severe blow to Uie Demxxracy. It wuz about the last of theSr si^rongholds.) Saint's Rest, (widll is im the Stait ur Noo Get'sey), *' Ndvember 9, 1865. Never wuz I in eo pleasant a frame uv mdnd ez last mipit. All vyuz peace with me, for after bedn buffeted a,bout the world f of" itliree skore years, at last it seemed to me ez tho fordbune, tired uv peraekootin a unforchnit bein, bed taken me into favor.. I bed a .solemn promise from the Dimekratik State Ge'/itral Committy in the great State uv Noo .Tersey, that ea soon ez our can- didate for Grovemor wuz dooly elected, I shojd bev tibe position uv Door- keeper to the House uv the Lord (w'ch in this State means tihe Oapitol, and widh is certainly better than dwellin in -tihe tents uv wicked grosery keepers, on tick, ez I do), and a joodishus exhibition uv this promise hed prokoored' Jot one uniHmiteld feicHities for borrerln, widh I improved. On Wednesday nite I wuz sittin in my room, a enjoyin the pleaan reflection that in a few days I should be placed above want and beyond the contingencies uv fortune. "Wood! oh, wood! that I hed died then and there, before that dream ur bliss wuz roodly broken. A wicked boy come runniu past with a paper which Ihe hed Ibrot from the next town, wbere there lives a man who takes one. He flung it thro the window to me, and passed on. I opened lit oageidy, and glanced at tihe hied lines!" Noo Jersey — 5,000 Eepublikin. One long and piercin Ishiiek wuz heard thro that hiouse, and wen the in- mates rushed into the room they found me inanimate od the floor. The fatal papeir lay neer me, explainin the cause uv the eatfftrophe. The kind-hearted landlord, after feelin ur my pockets and diskirerin that the contents thereof wood 'not pay the arrearages ur board, hedd a hurried consultation with his wife as to fihe propriety ur bringing me to; he in-sistin that it wuz the onl^ chance uv gittin what wuz owin *hem— she iinislatin ef I wuz brung to The Kasbt Lbtte&b. 4H I'd go on rvinnin np the bill bigge* tmd. Wgger, and never ipay at last. While they wuz argooin the miaitter, pro and con, I happened to git a gwod smiell ut his breath, wich restored me to oonseious- oess to wanst, without further aaastanco. When in trouble may poetic sole alluz finds vent in aoing. Did ever poet who doliied in tombs, and dark, rrlUn Etretims, and consumption, and blight- tod hioipes, and deoay, and sich themes, ever hev sdch a pick uv subjects ez I hev at this time? TIhe foUerin may be a consolation to tihe few Dimekrats nv •the North who hev gone so far inito Oopperheadism that they can't change their base: , . , . ; , •, i A Wale I i ; ' In the micmin we go forth rejoidn in ooir stretgth— in the evenin we are buslid and wClt! Man bom uv woman (and moat men are) is uv few days, and them is so full uv trouble that it's scarcely worth while bein born at all. In October I waded in woe knee-deep, and now tIhe waiters uv affickshun are about -ny chin. I look to the East, and Massadhoosetts rolls in Alblishn. To the West I turn my eyes, and Wisconsin, and Minnesota, and lUinoy onsers — ^Ablishn. Soiithward I turn my implorin gaze, amd M.aryland sendg.^rreetin — Ablishn. In New| York we had em, for lo! we run a soljer, who fought valiantly, and we put him on a platform, wioh stunk wMi nigger — yea, the savor thereof wuz louder than the Ablishn platform itself. But behold! the people jeer and flout, and say "The platform stinketh loud enough, but the smeU thereof is not the smell uv the Afrikin— it is of the rot- ten material uv wich it is composed, and tho oomipshun they hev placid upon it,"— and New York goes Ablishn. Slooum held hissalf up and sed, "Come and buy." And onr folks bought him and his tribe, but he getteth not his price. Noo Jersey— Ablishun!! Job's cattle wuz slain by murrain, and holler horn, and sich, and, not livin near Noo York, the flash thereof he oood not sell. Buit Job hed suthin left — still cood he sell the hides and tallow! Lazarus hed sores, but he had dorgs to lick them. Noo Jeirsey wuz the hide and tallow uv the Dimocrisy, and lo! that is gem. • What little is left uv the Dimocrasy is all sone, but where is the dorg so low ez to lick it? Noo Jersey wuz onr ewe lamb — ^lo! the strong hand uv Ablishnism hez taken it. Noo Jersay wuz the Aryi'at on wich our ark rested— behold the dark waves uv AMishnlsmi hev swept over it! Darknc>S3 falls over me Uke^ a pall— the ladder uv woe encompasseth me. Bown my furrowed dheeiks rolleth the tears uv anguish, varyiu in size from a large pea to a small tater. Noo Jersey will vote ftor thei Constooshnel Amendment, and lo! the nigger will possess the land. I see horrid visions. On the Camden and Amboy, nigger braiesmen! and at the polls, niggers! :•';; Where shajl we find refuge? ■I 44 'The Nasbt Letters. ■ ^.j In the North? Ijo! It is barren' agin lis by Ablishnism. ij In the South? ui their eyes the Northei'u Copperhead findeth no faTor. tl In Mexico? There is -war there, and we might be drafted. "Who -will deliver us? Who will pluck us from the pit into wich w© he^ fallen? Where I shall go the Lord only linows, but my impressiooi is, South Car- liny will be my future home. Wade Hampton is elected GoTemor, certin, and in that noble Staite, one may perhaps preserve enough uv the old Dimokratik Statew Ritis to leaven the whole luonp. "I'm aflote—I'm aflote On the dark rollin sea." And into what harbor fate will drive my -weather-beaten bark, the under- Bigned can not trooiy say. Noo Jersey — ^farewell! The world mn-c stand it a year or two, but I 'doubt It Mounifly PTKl sadlv, PETKOLEUM V. NASBY, j-V ' ' Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashiui,|| "j ' A CHANGE OP BASE— KENTUCKY. '"' Comfadrit X Roads (widh is in the Stait uv Kentucky),, December 9, 1865. Here in the great State uv Kentucky, the last hope uv Democrisy, I hev pibdhed my tent, and hero I propose to 1 \y these old bones when Deth, who hez a mortgage onto all uv us, shall see fit to foreclose. I didn't like to leave Wasli- intan. I love alt for its memories. Thepo stands the Capitol where the Presi- dent makes his appointments; there is tho Post Orfis Department, where all tbe Postmasters is appirated. There it wuz that Jaxon rsoled. I bed respect for Jaxon. I oan't say I loved him, for he never used us rite. He hated the Whigis ez bad ea we did, but after we beat tim and elevoited him to the Presi- dency, the stealins didn't come in ez fast ez wd expected. Never shel I forget the ooonpliment he paid me. Jest after his election I presented myself afore him with my papers, an applicant fox^ a place. He read em, and scanned me with a critic's eye. "Can't yoo make yoose uv sich ai man ez me?" sez I, Inquirinly. "Certainly," sez he; "I kin and aJluz hev. It's sich ez yoo I use to beat tbe Whigs with, and I am continually astonishetl to see how much work I ac- complish with sich dirty tools. My dear sir," sed he, pintin to the door, "■vfhen I realize how many sich cusses ez yoo there is, and how cheap they kin be bought up, I really tremble for the Republic." I didn't get the office I wanted. Yet ez much ez I love Washinton, I wuz forced to leave it. I mite hev Rtaj'ed there, buit the trooth is, the planks uv that city and the pavements nre harder, and worse to sleep on, than those uv any other city in the United Staits. I hed Eved two months by passin myself off ez Dimekratic Congress- men, but that oood only last a short tinif, there not bain many uv that per- suasion here to persoiKite. I hed gooiie the rounds uv the House ez often ez it wu4 safe, and one nite ooinmemoed oa tlie Seaate. G-oiu into Willard's, I called for a go uv gin, wioh the gentlemanly and urbane bar keeper sot afore me, and I drank. "Put it down with tiie rest uv mine," sez I, with a impres- sive wave uv the band. "Yoor name?". sez he. Aasoomin a inteUectual look, I retorted, "Do you know Charlies Sumner?" Here I overdid i%; here vaultin ambition o'erleaped herself. Hed '.J The Nasbt Letters. 45 E,ed'- "Sai-dsbuiy," it mite liev anseI^-(^, b\it to give Sum- ner's name for a drinlc viv gu wuz a ppecp iiv hinnt-y for wich T can't aooaunt. I wnr. iffnominjrvusly kicked into Ibe slreel. Dr.iiks obtained at tbe expense nv bein kicked is cheap, but I don't want em on tbem terms; my pridf i-evoltid, and so I em'.g rated. I found here a church buiklin, uv ^^•bich the oongrcsation had bin mostly killed in bush'v>*ackin expeditimis. nml annonucdn myself az a constooshnel preaoher from Noo Jersey, succeeded in dr.iwin togethoT a highly ri'-spectable awjence last Sunday. Ttikin for my test the passage, "The wages uv sin is death," I opened out ez foMofws; "Wat is sin? Sin, my beloved hearers, is any deviashen frjm yer normal condtsJm. Yoor beloved pastor hez a sti;miek and a head, wich is in close sym- pathy vs-ith each other, so much soj indeed, that the principal biznis uv the head is to fill the stmmick, and mighty close work it's been for many years, yoo. bet. liCt yoor beloved pastor drink, uv a ivito, a quart or two more thaji his usual alloivatioe, more tlian his stuniick nbsolcxjtly demands, and his head, swelhi^witli indlignashen. Tlie excess is sin, and the ache is the penalty. "The wages uv sin is death! Punishment and sin is ez unseperable ez the shaiddei- is fi-om the man— one is ez shoor to foiller the other ez the assessor is to come around — ez nite is to fnllw day. The Dimekr.aitic party, uv wich T am a ornament, bez experienced the trooth uv tlhis text. When Duglas switched off, he sinned, and ez a consekence, Linkin wuz electid, aiid the. sceptre departed from Israel. \^'hen — " At this pint in the discourse, a old man in the back part uv the house ariz and interruptid me. He Sfd he h"il a woird to say on that subjik -which must be sed, and ef I interrupted him till he gat through, he'd punch my hed, "wliereupon I let him go on. "Trooly," sez he, "the wages uv sin is death. I hev alluz been a Dime- erat. The old Dimiaci^ajcy hez bin in the service uv sin for thirty years, and the assortment uv death it hez received for wages is trooly surprlsin. Never did ii party oommenee better. Jaxon wuz a homist man, who knew that right- eousnis wuz the nashen's best holt. But h^ died, and a host uv tuppenny poli- ticians, with his great name for capital, jumped into his old clothes, and undertook to run the party. Ef tlie Dimoc-ra'Cy eood hev eleetid a honist man every fourth or fifth term, they mite hev ground along for a longer period, but ^ass! Jaxson wuz the last uv th it style we hed, and so many dlshonist cusses wuz then rn the Capital that hi •. ghost coodent watch the half uv them. "Tlie fust instaiUraent uv death we r cet-ved wuz when Hariison beat us. The old pollitiishens in our party didn'; mind it, for, sez they, 'Tlie Treasury woodent hev 'bin wuth much to us anyhow after the suckin it has experienced for twelve years; it needs fonr years uv rest.' We electid Polk, and here it wuz thait Sin got a complete liold uv u-:. Anshent compacts made with the devil yniz alluz ritten in blood. V^'e mad;' a contract -x^ith Calhoonism. and that wnz written in blood wioh wi^iz shed in Mexico. Here we sold ourselves out, hoots and britches, to the cotton Dim >cricy, and don't our liistory ever since prove the trooth uv the text, 'The wages uv sin is death?' O, my friends! in wat hea%T inistalmeiibs, and how regu!aii.y, hev these wages bin paid us! "Our men uv character commenst lea^in us. Silas AVrite kicked out, and wood hev gone over agin us hed h" not fortunately died too soon, and skores uv others followed soot. Thing i went on until Pierce wuz elected. The Devil (wieh is cotton), whom we wuz servin, brot Kansas into the ring, and wat a scatterin ensood. 46 The Nasbt Lettbks. Agin, the men uv character got out, and grnJixially but shooirly the 'worl nv deaith -went on. Boakanuon. wuz elected, but wuz uv no yoos to us. Aite PeeiBo lied run the maehine fooir yeeis, wat -wuz there letft? Eko ansers Another edf tin follered, and the old party wich wunsti boasted a Jaxson bed go down to a Vallandiffum. The Devil, to wich we bed sold ourselves, wood no let. us off with this, toowever. 'The wages uv sin is death,' amd we Shed not re seeved full pay ez yet. He imstigatid Soutb Karliny to rebel; lie indoosed tin other Democratic States to f oiler; he forced the Northem Democrisy to suppor em, and so on. That wuz the final stroke. Diekiason, and Cass, and Dis and Todd, and Logan, oil .left us, and wun by wun tlhe giafljaxy uv Northeri stars disappeared from thie Democratic firmament, leayine Noo Jersey alow and last fall, my breitlhren, she ®at on glodm. "Oh, 3iow trae it is! "We served sin faithfully, and wTiere are we? "Wi went to war for slavery, ami slaveiy is de'ad. "We fit for a oonfederacy, am the confederacy is dead. "We fit for States Eites and States Rites is dead. An| Dlmooricy tied Iherself to aU these corpses, and they her stunk her to death. | "Kentucky went heavy into the sin biznis, and w5iar is ICentuckyj "We sent our men to the confedrit army, and none uv en cum back ceptiu the skulkers, who comprised all uv that clasl wicih we wood (hev bin glad to hev killed. Linkin wantid to hffv us fre our niggers, and bo oompensatid for em. "We held on to the sin UT niggers and mow they are takin from us. with nary a compcmsate. In short niggers is 'gone, my plantasli«u here liez fed alternately both armies, ez the; caTorted backerds and forrerds through the Stait; my bonise and bams wra, burnt, amd aU I bev to show for my property is Confedrit tmoney, which ii a very dead article uv death. I know not what the venerable old suckd In the pulpit wuz a goin to say, but ef he kin look over this section uv thi heritage, and carat preach a elokenit eermon on that text, he aint much. on thi preach. I'm done." Uv coarse, after a ebiilition of this Mnd, I coodn't go on. I ^smist th; awdience with a benedickshun, h.O'pui to get em together when sich prejudice! men alut present. PETROLEUM V. NASB"?, " I Dait Paster uv the CJhurch uv the Noo Dispensashun. THE SITUATION— THE DEMOCEACT WAENED. .. (The Democraitic leaders were in great doubt in 1866 as to the policy i' dopting President Johnson, and President Johnson was for a Uin in dioubt aa to the propriety of adoptin Democracy. The Pies idenjt wanted the Democi-aey, but he also desired to redh is satisfactory — suthj ttingible— snithin ttot I oood take hold gs purpose uv seedn the second Jackson. I am a frank man, and I laid the matter afore him without hesitation. I told him that the Post Master at the Comers wuz opposin his pohcy and aboos- in him oontinually; tihat it wuz a outrage that men holdin place under the Administration should not sustain the Administration. In the name uv right, I demanded a (5hange. I sposod that to-TVunst the position would be offered me; and that after protesrtin a sufficient time that I did not wish it, and wood prefer the appint- ment of some more worthy man, I ^ould accept it, and go home provided for three years. Imagine my deep, my unutterable disgust, when he told me that he wood investigate the matter, and probably wood make a change, prvoided he oood find, in the vicinity, some ori^nal Union man who wood accept the place. Then the iren entered my soul. Then T felt tlhat in him we had no lot nor part. Our principles are uv a very compreJiensive nature. We' are willin to en- dorse -Androo Johnson, or any other man. We will endorse his theorieis uv Re- oanstniotiom, or any mam's theories. We are elastic, like Injy rubber. The boy who set a hem on a hundred eggs^^aekita^'ledged to his SatSnal parent 48 The JNasby Jjetters. thnt she cood not kirer em; but he remarked he wantkl to see the old thiug s^pred herself. We her that sprediu capacity- We kiu aecciumodate the preju- dices uv tihe people iit all the various Ijcalities. in Ooimeeticut we are fii-u;in John Bi-o\vii's body lies a moiildiiu in the grave, in a modritly loud tone, and siipportin a AMishnist who v&:id for dnin avray with slavery in the District of Columby, and for tibe Oomstitoosluiel Amendment. In Kentucky we are hangia men uv the John Biwvn style, and mohbin all uy the persuasion uv the Oon-' necticut nominee. Sioh a variety uv principle— a party uv sieh adaptibiJity— kin hev but one great central idee, on wich there is mo diveraty uv opinion, and to whioh all othOT idieas is si'bordinate. That idea is Post Office! and ef An- droo Joimsom cood be got rite on that (.luastion, we'd care Bot wat eJse he re- quired xir us. ^ We hev oiur arms around Audroo. Wo are huggin him to our buzzums;. but ho hez left his bAggage to hum. That ibaggage is wat we want; and we shel fling him off shoi-tly, onless he changes his policy in this respeok. He kin hev us on easy terms; but he must furnisih the aimimunishun with -n-hieh to fight the battles. Will he do it? Tha,t's the questMm a hundred thousand hunigry soles, who hanker even ez I dj, are daily askin. PETROLEUM, V. NASBY, , Lait Paster uv the Ohureh uv the Noo. Dispensashug; _ THE PEESIDENT'S SPEECH, FBBEUARY 22. (That famous, or rather infamous, speech of the 22d of February, 1866. settled tlie status of President Joimson, and indicated dearly his purpose of turning his back upon the loyal men oi the coiintry. . He continued, however, to -appoint Eepuiblicams to oflice, and refused to eoonmit himself specifically to the Democi^acy. The real Kepublicans abandoned 'him from that moimeut.). Wa^njgtom, February 23, 1866. I don't know, but there is a still sm.ill vodce within me wiehJ wlusi>ers, "AH is well!" The delusive phantom, Hope, may be phiyin false with me. The wish may be paternal parient to the thought, and I may be indulgin in a dream fixwn wich I shel be, to-moiTer, roodly awakened; but it's my opinion that the .da.v-star uv glory hez ariz onto the Dimocracy; that our nite uv gloom is over; and that, alt last, the G-overnnient, or at least the only part we care about — the cfiisis is oum. I heei-d Aiidro Joimisou speak last nite! I stood beside him! I helpt hold him up! I smelt his breath. It's all rite! I hed hopes when he vetoed that large and varied a9so.rtiaent uV AMishn abomjuashi^us — ^the Freedmen's Burow bill — Jiotwifchstandiiu jdhere were 5>int3 in his messagel I ooodent sanction. The veto wiiz heveuly, but his reasons were unsoimd. AVheu he expressed hisself ez beiu determined upon " sekooiin the niggers in their rites, I felt fearful that there wuz a honist difference uv opinion atween him and Oongress wich miitj be settled, end ^ then wat wood be- come uv us'? Ef the niggers is to hev rites, in the name uv Heaven, I asked myself.whut difference does it make to uis whether ithey hev em by Charles Summer's system (on whose head resit c.sses!) or A. Jc*hnson's? And ez is cus- tr>mary when men ask theii'selves questions I goit no amser. Mem never ask theireelves questions wich kin be anscred. But last nite my doubts wuz removed. Little Sam Cox, and Dan Voor- hces, and the Woods, aaid me, hed bin with Androo all day. The Ablishiiists avoided him after tihe veto; and kuowin he'd done suthin he wuzn't quiti; shoror wuz wise, he needed bi'aein up, and we wuz jready to braioe him. Isn't it singler that men, when they go to the devil, alluz 'go in squads? Cox hed him cornered all day, a readin to him extrax from Poimey's Press, and r-' ■ ■ . , , The Nasby Letters. 49 rlioice srlpotions from Summer's speeches; aiid "\'(.»uihpps and l^e others wuz a jutimatin to him tliait only in the bnz/ium uv the Dimocris.y oocd ;he find that eongoniality iiT sperit so ntjssnry to liim;aiid by the time the seranade wuz ready he wuz e-« full uv venom ez -n-uz possible, and his capacity iu that line is ianmiense. The oompany all weut with- hiai onto t!he stand, amd niy eyes saw the first cheerin visiom wicli they hev beheld for yeers. Befoire us »tood ten thousand or more Dimoci-ats. There wuz the veilerau fi'om Lee's army, in his soot uv gray, whidh hed, by oonitinued contact with tha pavemeats uv Waishingtan — ^wicih, not hevin bin> slept on much, sense BooJcaunou's time, they don't sweeip— beoom somewhat uv th© color uv the clay. There wuz the offiser who surrendered with Johnston, and them noble sons uv Baltimore, and Rawly; and Oharles- tcii, who, though they didn't serve their section in the field, were ai-dent in the support uv the caiiiRe. There were the odd-stile Dimiocrata uv the North, whose faith in Johnson's Dimocrisy, based upon the scene vrich took place at the in- auguration, wuz greater than mine, hed oome mth theiir appplications for Post Oflises. and who jined so heartily in the cheers Avich went up feir J. Davis; and thei-e, addi-essin this crowd, wuz a President— the moan who'haxi , the appintiu__2owCTjn_Jji2«ll2U!d§:=ffiift..flS^^ Masters!*! ^~ Sr~ffi3'me goodT and yet I doubted. Wood he go through with it? AVood he lock hoi-ns Anth Wade and Sumner, and daire the wnatli uv Thad Stevens? Wood he? He wavered and shrunk back ez he saw the style uv the awdience before him; for he hcd bin, for four yeara, accustomed to better dressed people. But Cox wuz ekal to the emergency. Samyooel whispered into ihls ear, "Charles the I!" * and flamin up like a oonflagratid oil well, he waded in. Then I felt that it wuz all right. Then my soul exi)anded; and ez he went on, pihn Billinsgate upon Billinsgate, nsin Tennessee stump slang, imippored by a liberal mixture uv the more despriit viariety he bed picked up in Washin- ton and Baltimore, I felt that it wuz indeed well with us. He wuz talkin as a Di'miokrat to Dlmokrats; and it wuz appreciated. Strippin off all the disgnls he bed bin wcarin for fotu* years — ^wushin off, in rage and whisky, the varnish and putty with wich he bed shint'd up bis dullness, and filled up the cracks and cavities wich bed aJluz troubled him— bo stood foi'th ez we knowd him — Androo Johnson! How he did froth and foam! How he did lash his lait as-, sociates! and how those Dimokrats who came to Washinton with petitions for places in their pockets did wink at eacB^otbeTTjind poke each other in the ribs, witlr exuTtatioh^afld' jocviliirity wioh they oood not ocnceai! And how the Ab-- lishnists, wich bang onto the outskirts uv the cr>wd, in the hope that he wood declare himself in sdch a, way; ez to give em some hope, did walk away sorrow- "fuJl and sore, ez tho they felt that they hed a. new trouble afore em! And how the soljera uv Lee, and the quartermasters wich hed made Richmond th«r headquarters doorin tlie war, did cheer and sling their hats into the air, and in the uncontrcdlable entboosiasm uv the mtoment invariaMy snatched better ones from the heads uv the Northern men in the crowd! It wuz gorgus! While His Eggslemcy's course gives me hope, I don't want it to be under- stood that I am prepared to f uUy and entirely indorse Mm. I don't go much on men who do things in a state uv madnis; neithei- do I invest heavy in that Dimokrat wich requires an extra load uv likker to make him act and talk like a Dimokrat. Androo Johnson wuz and is a Dimokrat — a ginoo- wine Dimokrat. The accident uv his leamin to read, in Ms yooth, gave Mm a pre-eminence over us in Tennessee, and * Mr. Sumner, im a speech, spoke of President Johnson as the American "Charles L" .,..-» 50 The Nasby Letters. ' ■ ' ' " put him tJuromgii tlhs various places he 'bea filled. His afiiiuties vraz -with us; Ms stylcS wiiz our style, and his habits our batiits,; and lie ied no bSzznifi to ever git out uv the fold. I canuat forget rthat he -n-eut back on us at a ci'itikle time in the history uv the party. He saw tlhat the effoa-t tlie Dimoc- rasy uv the Soaiitli yraz maJdji to regain their rites wood be a, failure; the aristocracy uv the South hed snubbed him, and refoozed to recognize him; but all "this sihood not hev affectid Mm. It's tihe normal condishn uv the lower grade uv Dimjokrats to be snubbed ; and thi^ hev no rite to inquire whether any- thing the airiistocracy uv the party propose is goia to be a failure or not. It's their doaty to obey orders without questioning. Wat spUed Johnson wuz Massadhoosits. He pretended to be loyal, and MassacihMsits patted him on the back. Tbey took Mm into gioiod society. They let Ihim associate with. Sumner and sich, and the man Ibecamo infatuated. He got to dninkin high priced drinls, and wearin clean sbirts, and began to ape the manners uv! tlios© into whose sjjhero ho hed bin thro^'u. There wuz these two opposiu forces oontendin against him — ^nateiral protfliviiics and ac- quired tastes — ^widh may be represeuted by whiskey out uv a jug and miut juleps at "Willard's. llassochoosiits wuz a puUin him up, and North Carolina wuz a puULn Mm down. He wantid to sba.y with Massadhoosits, but he wuz vnooamfortable all the time; and finally nachar asserted h,er supremacy, and he broke over, and like the water long confined in a dam, when it's bustid its ob- (stmKJtdons, and goes, it goes witli a looseness, amj teaiB up, and takes a very large quantity uv dirt and drift w-hauilin ez yoo never— drat yoor sodperiiority, and yoor Ham, and yoioff Oaucashen. Ni&gers is niggors, and — " Noticin tihat Mrs. Pogram hedn't quite arrived at the proper pitdh ut The Nasby Letters. 63 self-sacrifice, I turned the discussion onto Sumner agin, ez a subjik upon wich tbey cood all agree. I learned that his father wuz a Dutch srooery-keepor, and his mother an Irish washer-woman; that he run away from home at the tender age uv eight, after murderin, in cold blood,, his grandparents, one uv wich wuz a Algeriue and tother a CSMnese; that he wuz apprenticed to the shoemakin bizniis, and hed cut the throat uv his boss and Ms wife, and immersed the younger children intx) a biler uv soaldin water, where they were found mostly dead seven hours afterward; that he acquired wealth a Sillin tottry tickets and brass clocks, et seittry. His servants wuz redoost SouUhem gentlemen wich he hed swindled into his debt, and wich, under the laws viv Mas- saohoosits, coodent git away, and that his intimajte friends and as- sociates wuz higgeris, with wich he sot long at the festive board, and drunk oliajnpane; that Lucresha Mott wuz his sister, Ann Dickinson his daughter, Fred Douglas hiis half broither, and t!hat he kissied, ha;bitually, every nigger child he met, and frowned so severely onto white children ez to tihrow eii into spasms, and other items uv infonnation uv wich, livin in tihe North, I wuz ignorant. Ez I pemarked, he isn't popular down here, amd oood hardly he elected to Oomgris from this Deestrick. The tea party broke up shortly after, PaOack winkin at me villainously ez he left the house, feelin good to think tow he hed opened a old sore. That Pollock needs watdhin. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, ~v-4 M Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. •""'"' A CEY OF EXULTATION (The moment Preadent Johnson proclaimed the war at an end, several of the Southern States enacted laws for the government of tlie nfHgro scarcely- less oppressive and absurd than those sugge-sted by Mr. Nasl^y.) Confedrit X lloads (wich is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 2, 1866. Kin it be? Is it troo, or is it not troo? Is Androo Johni5on all my fancy painted him, or is he still a hevin-defying persekooter uv the Democratic Saints? That's wut X and some thousands uv waitin souls wood go suthin hand- some to know. I confess I never quito lost faith in Androo. Pro-slavery Democracy sticks to a man ez does the odor uv the gentle skunk to clothes, and it is got rid uv only by the same means, to-wit, buryin the victim thereof, Androo started out to be a Moses, dTnd he is one; but I think he's changed Ms Israelites. I oust saw a woman skinnin live eels, and I reproached her, sayin, "Woman, Why skimiest tiiou eels alive?- Do*h it not pain em?" "Nary!" retortid she. "I've skinucd em this way for going on to twenty years, and they're used to it." Even so. The negroes hev bin in bondage so long that they're used to it, and Androo feelin a call to continue in the Moses bizniss, hez, I hope, turned his attention to the Dimocrisy. It's us he's a-goin to lead up out uv the Egypt uv wretchedness we've bin in for nearly five years; it's us that's a-goin to quit brick makin withont straw, and go up into the Cauan wioh is runnin wi*h the milk and honey uv public patronage. We shel hev sum fites; there's Amalekitish post maisters and Philistine collectors to dispilace, but w^th a second Jaxon alt our hed what can we fe-ar? I feel to-night like a young colt. To mo it seems ez though my venerable locks, wich hiings scantily aliout my temples, hed grown black agin, and that my youth was returnin. Ef I hed any notion uv sooicide, that idea is aSsmast. I am young agin. Wat hez worked this change? 54 ThS KaSBT LSTTB&i. yoo ask. It's the proclamatioii fleclarin the war at aa en4^ and -witlidra-win from tilie Dimecratio states the o«Hous hire;) lims Tiv tlhe tyrajit LinMn, and the doin away uy that terrible marshal law. That's Wat's done it for me. Nosv I 'feel like sayin, with wun. ut old, "Mino eyes hev seed thy glory; let thy servant depart in peese." We hey bin dooly soibjoiogated sons tmae, and a waitin for this. We wamtdd it, and longed for it ez the hart does for the wateir course, and consi* erably mo^re, onless .the bart wuz thirsty in the extreme. For now we are in the Union agin; we are, under the shadder tiv that gloritms dd flag wieh protects all men ceptia nd'ggers and Abfehuists. The ntgger is left to be adjustid by ns, , jyhio i^ to be, governed by the laws wich ciontrd laibor and capital." Certainly -ho is — uv coarse. I saiw tiwo ut my .ndghbora adjustin one last - nite. Thpy wu* doin It withi a paddle,, wieh wuz bored full UT holes.. Ho didn't seemto enjoy It ez much ez they did. By that proclamation our states are agin under their ovra control. Let em go at wunst to work to destroy all the vestiges ut the oraoel war thiroaigh wich they hev pnst. There ain't no soljers now to in- terfere, for the policy uv keepiu soljers in and among free people is abhorrent tc) freedom and humanity. Go to work ait wunst, ajid build up the broken walls uv yoor Zion. We must hev Peace arid nnanimity: anid Peace camniot dwell among ns raless there's a oneness uv purpose and sentiment. To pnokoor this is yoor fust dooty. Ef there be among yoo th.im ez opposed yoo dooria yoQr late struggle for Rites, hist em. Their presence is irritatin, and kin not be toler- atid. Ablishnism is as abhoi-rent now as ever, ajid the sooner yoo are rid uv it the better. It is safe to a.ssume that every man wlw opposed the lately, de- ceased Confederacy is a Ablishnist. 'The next step, and the most importamt, is to tear doTra the nigger sdiool- houses and churches wich hev bin built here and there, and kindly take the nigger by the ear, an4. lead him back to his old qua.rters, wich is his normal po- sitaion. The Yankee school teachers sent here by Fi'oedmen's Aid Societies shood properly be hung for spreadin dissartisf-actiou and spsUin-books among the naggers, but I woodi advise mercy and conciliatioin. Tar and featherin, with whiippins, will pertiaps do ez well, and wiU go to show the world that our justice ijs tempted with charity;, that we kin be generous ez well ez just. Yoor legis- latures shood be instantly called together, and proper laws for the government uv the Freedmeu should be passed.' Slavery is aboKsht, and the jjeople must live up to tihe requirements of the act in good faith. I protest agin any vio- lation uv good faith, but labor must be, done, for the skripter comiiiands it, and our frail nature demands wat can't be got without it. We don't like to do it, but shel skripter be violated? Not at all. The nigger miist do it hisself, not ez a slave, for slavery iis abolished, but ez a free mian. Ethiopian citizens uv Amerikiu descent (wich is mulatters), and f uE-biooded blacks, and all hevin .in their veins a taint uv Afrikin blood, must be restrained gently^ and for their own gooid I suggesit laws ez follows: 1. They must never leave the plantation onto widh tihiey are, when this act goes into efEaet, withiout a pass from,. the employer, under penalty uV bein shot. 2. I'hey shel hev the , privilege uv suein everybody uv tiheir own oolor, el th.ey kin give, white bail for costs. 3. Itey shel hev the full privilege uv bein sued the same ez white folks. 4. They shel be competent ez witnesses in eases in wich lihey are not in- terested, but thdr testimony Sa to go tor nu)thin eif it is opposed by the testi- KOiuy uv a white man or anotheo: nigger. The i^ASBT Letters. 55 5. No nijrger slidl be allowed to buy or lease real estate outside UT any jncorpoi'ated city, town, or village. 6. No niggeir sbel be allowed to buy or lease real estate -within any incor- porated city, town, or village, except ag hereinafter provided for, to wit: He shel give notice uv his deisires by publication for six consecutive weeks in some newspaper uv generail circulation in sed village, for wich publication he shel pay JnTaiiaJbly in advance. He shel then give bonds, in sieih sums ez the mayor eihel decide, that nedther he, nor any uv 'his anceistors, or descendants, or relations, will ever beoame public charges, and will always behave them- selves with due humility, t^e bondsmen to be white men and freeholders. Then the mayor shel cause a election to be proclaimed, and ef the free white citi- zens shel vote "yea" unanimously, he shel be allowed to buy or lease real estate. If tihere is a dissentdn vote,' then he sihel be put onto the cJiain gang for six moniths for his impudence in makin sidh u, request. 7. Their wages shel be sich ez they and the employers shel mutually agree; but that the negroes may not become lu.'vurious and effeminate, vidch two things is vioes widi goes to sap the simplicity and strength nv people, the sum shel never exceed $5 per month, but not less than enuff in all cases to buy him one soot uv doitlies per annum, wich thi> employer shel purchase hisself. 8. The master shel hev the privilege uv addin to this code- siCh other rules and regulations for their proper government ez may sitiike him ez bein good far em from time to time. These provisions secure the ni?ger in all the rites widh kin reasonably be asked for him, just elevated ez he is from slavery, and thrown upon the world ignorant uv the duties of Ms new position and status. He is simple and needs the guidin ihand uv the stronger race. My hart is too full to make further suggestions. Organized into a tabloo, with tiie eonstitoosihun in one hand (wich beloved instrument kivers a. great deal uv gmnnd), a star-spangled banner in the other, and a tramplin on a bloo coat wich I stript off uv a retui-ned nigger soldier wich wnz sick, I exultinl'y exdaSim, "The Union ez it is is good ez the Union ez it wuz. 'llor!" PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Lait Paster uv the Ohureh uv the Noo Dispensashuu. A WAIL OF ANGUISH— THE CIVIL RIGHTS BILL PASSED OVER THE VETO. (In a speech in 186G President Johnson claimed to have been the "Moses" of the liegTO, as he had been instrumental in leading him out of bondage. The name dung to Mm during his official life.. The passage of the Civil Rights bill over the President's veto destroyed the hopes of those who expecfted to keep the freedmem in a state of semi-bondage.) Oonfedrit X Bo-ads (widh is in the Stait uv Kentucky), April 9j 1866. I am a kittle full uv cusses. Under me is a bumin fire uv rage, wich is bein oontinuaUy fed with the oil uv disappointment. , And I bile over. The civil iites bill, wich our Moses put his foot onto, we thought wuz dead. And we fired great guns, and hung out our flags, widh we laid .aside in 18G0, an!d made a joyful noise. ' IVm we sed, one unto another, Lo! he is a true Moses, inasmuch ez he is leadin ua out uv the wilderness. 56 The Nasby Letters. The civil rites bill wuz the serpent wat bit us, and be histed it, that we might look ami live. JVOTV let us be joyful! I'or the l/thiopian is deliTered into our hands, bound hand and foot. . BJessed be Moses! We will make Mm 'grind our corn; but he shel not eat thereof. Bless?d be Moses! AVe will make him tread out our wheat; but we will muzzle his mouth. Blesied be Moses! He shall pick our cotton ; but the hire he Teoeireth he shall stick in Ms eye ■without injuring Uhe sight thereof. Blessed be Moses! He shall toil in the sugar mill; but the sugar shall he not sell. I'lessed be Moses! His sweat shall nourish our coru; ha shall eat nary ear thereof.' Blessed be Moses! We will buru his sohool-liouises, and destroy his spellin books (for shall the uigger be our superior?) and who shall stay our hand? The school teachers we will tai and feather, and whar is the bloo-ooated hirelins'to make us afteerd? Blessed be Moses! We looked at the nigger, and said. Ha ha! the last state ut that chattle is wuss nor the fust; for before, we hed his labor while he wuz strong and healthy, but hed to take care on him when he wuz sick and old; and now we kin git his labor without the care. Blessed be Moses! The Ablishnists cast out one devil, and garni^ed the room; but there wuz seven devUs more stronger and hungrier, which rushed ia and pre-empted the premises. Bless id be Moses! But our song uv joy wuz turned into a wale uv angaish. Moses sought to hist the serpent, but the serpent histed him. He's on a pote, and the bitin iNorih wind is a blowin onto him. He can't get up any higher, because his polo ain't amy longer, and he can't get doAvn, because he ain't no place to light onto. He vetoed the bills, and Congress hez votoid him the civil rights bill they passed in a uncivil manner. Now, bein the nigger hez rights, he is our ekal. Our ekil is the nigger now, and onless the school houses is burned, and the spellin books desta-oyed, he will soon be our superior. We wua wJUin to giv him the rlg'ht uv bein sued; but, alas! he kin sue. He kin be a witness agin us, and hu kin s«t his face agin ouru. Our wise men may make laws to keep ham in his normal speer, but uv wat avail ia th^? We kin buy and isell him no more, neither he nor his children. The men will cleave unto their wives, amd the wives unto their husbands, and our hand is powerless to separate em. Their children kin we no moi-e put up at auction, and sell to the highest bid- der, we pooketin joyfully the price thereof. They hev become sassy and impudent, and say, "Go to, are we not men?" I bade one git off the sidewalk, and he bade me be damned. I I chucked a nearly white ome under the chdn, and Smiled onto her, and The ISasby Letters, 57 ste squawked; and her husbimd, heariti the squawk tLerecrf, oame up and bus- tid my head, even ez a white man would hev done. . I chastist'd wun who gave me lip; and he sood me, u Caucashnn, for assault and battery, and got a judgment! Wale! for Moses put out his hand to save us tlhese imdignities, but his hand wuz too weak. We killed Llnkin In yaiu. Our Moses is playin Jaxson. He fanoieth he resembleth him, beooz bis , inishals is the sa.me. He resembleth Jaxson muchly — ^in that Jaxon hed a policy widi ho eood carry out, while our Moses hea a policy widh he can't carry out. And ez he can't carry out ihis policy, the people are oarryin it out for him. Wich they do, a holdin It at anm's length, and holdin thedr noses. Moses is a cake half baked; and he is ihot on one side, and cdd on tothep. He darsa't let go ur Aiblishnism, and is afeei"d to come to uis. He hez been takin epsom salts and ipecac; and one is workin up, and the other workin down. Where kin we look for comfort? ■ Do we turn to the people? Connecticut ansers, " 'Bior for Hawley!" and Noo Hampshire goes Ablishun. Do we turn to the courts? Ix>! Tar«ey hez gone to his reward — him who aforetime dealt out Dimekratic justice, and who lindierstood tlh« nacher uv the nigger— and Ghf se, who is pdzen, reigns in has stead. Ilaymond is growin weak in the knees, and Dooflittle Sb a broken reed on wich to lean. We are too short at both ends. Shall we go to Brazil? lio! there tihey put niggers in oflSce. Mexico holds out her hands to us; but, lo! the nigger is considered a man. We her no escape from the Ethiopian; he is around us, and aibout us, and on top uv us. I see no post orfis in the distance, no hope for the future. Hed I bin a Ablishnist, so ez to make the IMng safe in the next world, I shood be glad to die,- and quit this. For my sole is pregnant with giief; my hart bugs out with woe. PETROLEUM V. NASBY; . Lait Paster uv the Church uv the Noo Dispensashun. THE EEWARD OF VIETUE. Confedrit X Roads (wicih is in the Stait uv Kentucky), August 12, 1866. At last I hev it! Finally it come! After five weaiy trips to Washington, after much weaay waitin and much travail, I hev got it. I am now Postnnas- t<'r at Confedrit X Roads, and am dooly installed in my new position. Ef I ever hed any doubts ez to A. , Johnson bein a better man than Paul the Apos- sle, a look at my commisrfou removes it. Ef I ketch myself a feeliu that he de- serted us onnecessarily five years ago, another look, and my resentment soft- ens into pity. lif I doubt his Democrisy, I look at thajt blessed commission, and am reassured, for a President who cood turn out a wounded Federal sol- dier, and appiait such a man ez me, mui'st be above suspicion. I felt it wuz oomin two weeks ago. I received a cirMer from Randall, now my sooperior in ofl&s, propoundin those questioius: 68 The Nasbt Letters. 1. Do yoo tev tHie moat implicit faia m Audi-oo Jotuson. in all that hez doaie, y.11 that lie is doia, and all he may hereaftei- do? 2. Do yoo bleeye that the Philadelphui oonvenshuu wOl be a coavticashsa uv saints, til actuated by pure rootiv.s, and devoted to the salvation uv our wunst happy, but now distractid couu tiy '.' i. 3. Do yoo bleeve that, next to A. Johnson, Seward, Doiolittle, Oowan, and Ranidall are the fooir greatest, and purest, anid bestest, aaid seilf-saorificineat, aixd hiomestist, and rigihteousist men that this cwuntry hez evea" prodoost? 4. Do yoo bleeve that there is a particklerly hot pllaoe reserved in the next world for Trumibull, a botter f8r Wade, and the hottest foir Sunmer and Thad Stevens? 5. Do yoo bleeve uv the canin uv GrinneQl by Eosso? 6. Do yoo consider the keepin out uv CJongria elB>'en sovrin states a unoour stooelhna. and un-warrajitid assumption uv porweir by a seo^hnal Oongris? 7. Do yoo bleeve the present Congris a rump, and tlhat (eleven states be- in unreipreefanted) all itlheir acts ajje imoonstooslineil said iHegal, ceptin them mch provides for payin salaries? 8. Do yoo bleeve that the Memphis and Noo Orleans unpleasantness wnz bnot about by the unholy maohinflishena uv them Radical agitators, aotin in con- junc-tion with ign'oa-a,nt and besotted niggers to wreak their spite on. the now loyal cdtizems uv those properly reoouatraoted cities? 9. Are yoo not satisfied that the AfiiMn citizens uv American descent kin be safely trusted to the operations uv the universal law wioh governs labor and capital? 10. Are yoo willin ito oontrdbute a reaisonable pear oemt uv yoor salary to a fund to be used for the defeat uv oibjeotiomaibla Cangrismeu in the disloyal states North? To all uv these inquiries I not only answered yes, but went ofoore a justils uv the peace an took an afiidavit to em, forwarded i4 back, ajid my conanisi^ wuz farthwith sent to me. Thei-a wuz a jubilee the nite it arriv. The news spread rapidly through the four groseries uv the town, and aioh amotheir spoiuitaineoTis outbuat uv joy I never witnessed. The beills rung, anId for an hour or two the Ooimers wuz in the wildest state uv eggsitement. The citizens oomgratulated eacih other on t!he certainty uv the acoeshun uv the President to the Dimociisy, and in their emthoosiasm five nigger families were cleaned out, two uv eim, one a mala and totheii a female^ wuz killed. Then a peroosihun wuz oirganized as follera: Two grooeiy keepems with bottles. Deekin Bogi-am. Me, with my commishun pinned onto a banner, and under it written, "In this Sign we Oomker." Waigoo with tabloo onto it: A nigger om the bottom boards, Basooon, the grocery keepea-, with one foot onto him, Iholdia a baonar Bnscaiibed, "The Niggier wheire he oughter be." Oitizeu with bottle. Deekin Pograim's daughter Mirandy in n ojttnltood uv waUopin a wendh. Banner: "'We've Regained our Rites." Two dtizems with battles tryin ta keep in peroesihun. Two more dtizens, widh tied emptied tlheir bottles, faiiin out by tihe way cide. ' Oitizains, two and two, with bottle*. Wagou withl tabloo omto it: A mgeun^ias uv ai vSgger akaoL, kt a, atato ur f The Fasbt Lbttbkb. 63 TOieok, wi* a ded mgger layln om top uv it, vMx bed Wn captoioired! wltWii the hour. Baniiipr: "My Policy." The perco^un moved to tih© meetia house, and Deeilrin Pogram takin the chair, a meetin wnz to -mmst organized. The Deelrm remarked that thiis wuz the piroiidest moiment tiv "his life. He wuz gratifi«3d at the ajppimtinent uv his esteemed friend, becoz he appreciated the noble qualities widh -wuz so conspikuous into him, sjid beooa his arduous ser- vices in the coz uv Dimokrisy entitled him to the posi*UQ. All these wuz aside uv aiid entirely diseomnected from the fact thajt there wood now be a probability uv bis gittin back a little matter uv nine doHans amd sixty-two ceolts ("Hear! Hear!") widh hie hed loaned him about eighteen moniths ago, afore he hed known hilm well, or larned to love him. But tihere wuz another reason why he met to rejoice to-nlte. It showed thar A. Johnson meamt biznis; tbalt A. Johnson wuz troo to the Dlmoki-asy, and tiha't he hed fully made up bis mind to hurl the bolts uv oflishl thunder wioh he held in his Presidential hands at has enemies, and to make fight in earnest ; that he wuz goin to re- ward his' friends— ^ihem ez he coed trust. Our venerable friend's bein put^in o&ndishun to pay Ifbe oonfidin residents uv the Comers, the little sums he owes them is a good thing ("Hear! Hear!" "Trool" Troo!" with singialar unanimity from every man In the bildin), buit wat wuz sioh oonsiderashuns w'hen com- pared to the grate moral effect uv tbe decisive movement? ("A d — d site!" shouted one grocery keeper, and "We don't want no moral effect!" cried an- other.) My friends, wh?u the news uy this bold step uV the PresidcJit goes forth to the South, the price uv Oonfedrit skript will go up, and the shootin uv, niggers will cease; for the redempshua uv the first II consider ashoored, and the reducdn uv the latter to their normal condishun I count ez good ez done. Squire Gtavitt remarked tliat be wuz too much overpowered with emoshun to speak. For foTxr years, nearly five, the only newspaper wich come to that offis Tied psssed through the polluted hands uv a Ablishnist. He hed. no particMer ohjecshun to the misguided man, but he wuz a symbol Uv tyranny, and BO long ez he sot thei-e, he reminded em that they were wearin chains. Thank the Irtwd, that day is over! The Gamers is redeemed, the second Jax- son hez risen, and struck off the shackles. He wood not aHood to the trifle uv twelve doUars and a half that he loaned t!he appintee , some months ago, knowin that it wood be paid out uv the first money — Basoom, the principal grocery keeper, rose, and called tlhe Squire to order. He wanted to know ef it wuz fair play to taJk sioh talk. No man oood feel a more heart-felt satisfaction at the appinibmient uv our bouiored friend than Mm, showin, ez it did, that the President hed cut loose from Ablishnism, wich he despised, but he protestid agin the Squire undentakin to git in his bill afore the rest hed a chance. Who furnisht him his liquor for eight months, and who hez the best rite for the first dig at the proceeds uv the position? He wood never — The othir three grocery keepers arose, when Deekin Pogram rooled em all out my order, and offered) the following resodutjons: Whereas, The President hez, in a sitrikly oonstooshnell m^anner, relieved this eomimoiooity uv an offensive Ablishnist, appinted by that abhorred tyrant, Linkin, and aippinited in his place a sound oonstooshnel Demokrat — one whom to know is to lend ; therefore be it Resolved, That we greet the President, and ashoor him uv our continyood support and confidence. Resolved, That we now consider the work uv Eecanstruction, go far ez 60 • , , . The Nasby Letters. -. this comnnmity Is oaacerped, completed, and th.it we feel that we are wunst more restored to our proper relations With the federal goremment. j Resolved, Thait tihe glorious defence made by the loyal Democracy uv Noo ^_ Orleans agin the combined conventionei-s SJid niggers, shows that freemen kin ., -, not be conkered, and that white men ghel rule America. .v Resolved, That, on thia happy occ£is;ou, we forgive the Government for what :i we did, and cherishi nary resentmemt agin anybody. The resolutions wuz adopted, and the aneetin adjourned with three cheers foi? .Johnson and bis policy. Then cAme a scene. Every last otlo ur eotn bed come there with a note nade out for the amount I owed him at three months. Kindness of heart is a weakno.9s uv mine, and I signed em all, fe.>iin that ef the mere f^ct of writ- in my name wood do em any good, it Wood be orooel in me to object to the little r labor required. Bless their innocent sol,-s! tihey went away happy. The nest momin I took posses-shun uv the offis. "Am I awake, or am I dreamin?" thought I. No, no! it is no dream. Here is the stamps, here is the blanks, and here is the coanmishun! It is' troo! it is troo!. I heeri a child, across the way, singin; "I'd like to be a angel. And with the angels stand." I wo'>dn't, thought I. I woodn't trad« places vpiith an angel, even up. A olUs with but little to do, with four gi-ocerys within a stone's throw, is ez much happiness ez my bilers will stand without bustin. A angel, forsoothS , PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M., - ,; (wich is Postmaster.) "SWINGIN' EOUND THE SIEKLB."— TO DETEOIT. (The famous tour of President Johnson was imdertiaken ostensibly in re- sponse to an invitation to assist in tha ceremony of laying the comer stone of a monument to the lamented Stephen A. Douglas, but really its object was to strengthen the Johnson movement. Tho Pi-esident beJieved that his personal presemce would istimulate his :fiollowei'3 and overawe the opposition. General Grant and Admiral Farragut were invited to join the party in such a way as to make a refusal a verj- unpleasant matter, and the Presideaat, who had a high opinion of his power before popular audieneee, expected to convert the crowds •wthiclh were certain to assemble to see these great warriors. The speeches he made on the trip are scarcely caricatured in the text. It was in this instance, as in the Philadelphia Oouventioin. The ring of ofSce-holders in each town through which the party passcMl, organized a "tribute" to the Presi- dent, and the people assembled in massecj to do honor to Grant and Farragut, ',ij but invariably the President was greeted with unequivocal tokens of disappro- : balion. The venture was a ludicrous failiu'e, and is fjiirJy described in the !> texit.) ■ ,^ At the Biddle House (wich is in Detroit, Michigan), -3 September the 4th, ISGO. Step by step I am ascendin the ladder uv fame; step by step I am climbinj to a proud eminence. Three weeks ago I wuz summiomed to Washington byj >. that eminently grate and good man, Androo Jdhnson, to attend a consultation; ?ji ez to the proposed AVestem tour, wich wuz to be undertaken for the purpose .^ uv aiiousin the masses uv the West to a i»t-nse uv the danger wich wuz threat-] i pail UV en» in cjise they pemsted Jn centraliziu the pow^r uy the Goverponenti ,1 f ' The Nasby Letters. 61 into the hands ut a Ckmgfess, instid nv diffusin it throughout lihe Imnds ur oile' ' nian, wich is Joihnson. I g'ot there tw late to take part in tihe first uv the dis- cussioii. When I arove they had ererything settlal oeptiil the appintinSnt uV a chaipjaio' for the exc5ui'siou. The President insisted upon my fiUin thilt posi- tion, but Seward objitcted. He wanted Beechei', but Johnson wuz inflexibly ftgin him. "I am determined," sez Ihe, "to carry out my policy, but I hev some bowels left. Beeeher hez- done enuff already, cousideiing the pay he got. No, no! he sh<4 be spared this trip; indeed he shel." "Very goc his honored name. It wood look better." *■ »- "I know it wood," replied Johnson; "but where kin we fiml sich a one? ^ I her swung around the entire circle, aud hevn't ez yet seen him. Nasby It must be." There wuz then a lively discussion ez to the propriety, before the proces- sion started, of remoTin all the Federal oiBs-holders on the proposed route, and appintin men who bleeved in us (Johnson, Beooher and Me), tliat.,.-v^^,. might Anointed wuzJaJaXftCJJ-K. it. Sez he, "Them ez wo-i't support my policy shan't , [ e j!~my 't >re'3d aiid buttei/ " Raudall aud Doolittle obiined in, for it's got to be a^art uv their religion to assent to whatevei' the President sez, but I mildly protested. I owe a duty to the party, and I ajm determined to do it. "Most High," sez 1, "a settin hen wich is lazy makes no fuss; cut its head off, and it (lops about, for a while, lively. Lincoln's oflioe-holders are settin hens. Thij^y , fi^-i't-I ilrejoo nor yoor policy, but while they are on their nests, they -Willi keep moderately qiiiet. 'i5ut"'off ffiir hea'dST and they will sjiitt thstr ^toaijjwyoHr- f»ce. - Ka to bein enshoord uv a recepdon at each point, you needjj fear nothing. O alkulatiu ^ modera,tely. tbere .,.aa:a..at least frtrentv-five or thirtv^iA. patriots^ who feiji. a«jeill„fgr_ev6g_offis in your disposal. So long, Yoor High-f^ iSS^"^ them oftisis iis held' :ust~wlit're fh'ey ""'fiHl' see em, and theyQ don't know which is to git em, yoo may depend upon the i^ entire inthoosiasm uv each, individually and collectively. In short, ef . there's four offiscs in a town, and yoo make the appointments yoo hev sekoored' four supporters; till yoo make the appointments yoo hev the hundred who,B^ pect to g^Jem." '—teami-'^ ~ " ■~— ^~'--— -— — — — ■ ^EWPresident agreM with me that until after the trip the gullotine shood stop. ■ Secretaiy Seward sejested that a d./an shirt wood improve my personal ap- pearance, and akkoi-dingly a cirkula^vuz sent to the clerks in the Departments, assessiu em for that pui-pose. isich uv em ez i-efoosed to contribute Uiir quota wnz instantly dismasssd for disloyalty. At last we started, and I must say we wuz got up in a highly concilia- tory style. Every wun uv the civilians uv the party wore buzzum pins, et set- try,' wich wuz presented to em by the Southern delegates to the Philadelphia convention, wich wuz made uv the bouEss uv Federal soldiers wich bed fallen at various battles. Sum uv em were pai-ti'kerly vajluable lez anteeks. hevin •bin made from the bones uv the fust soldiers who fefil at Bull Run. The Noo York recepshun wuz a gay affair. I never saw His Imperial High- ness in better spirits, and he delivered his speech to better advantage than I ever heerd him do it before, and I bleeve I've heard it a hundred times. We left "Noo York sadly. Even now, ez I write, the remembrance uv that perceshun, Che recollection uv that banquet, lingers around me, amd the taste uv them wines is still in my mouth. But wa bed to go. We bed a mishn to perform, and we put ourselves on a steamboat and staited. 62 The JN by Libttbrs. ■ .- ■ 5 Albany.— There ■wuz a Immense cro-wd, but «b£CzaT w^M fhe Amedkaa , diJu't get orf his speech here. The GroyernOT welciamSff^im, but he weloometl - him ez the Chsef Magi^itrate uv the nasbem, and tappened to uounded by Dimiorate, immersed a part uv the tune in my offishel dooties, ud 64 -■ ■ ^ -The Nasby L oTTiifts. "■■' ■4 the baliuee ut the time in -whislic-y, with the privilege iiv waHopiii niggert, aiid the more inestimable and soothing pririlegc* uv assisbiu in niobbin ut NorBlil ern Ablishnists, Who are not yet all out uv the stait, time passes pleasantly, and leaves no vane regrets. I allusi go to bed at nite, feeliai that the day hez n-at bin wasted. ... From Detroit the Pi-esidential cavalcade, or ez the inramons Jacobin- Il;iidical party ii-reverently lei-m it, .the menajery, proceeded to Chicago. The recepshuns His Imperiai Highniss received through Michigan were flatterin in the extreme. I conitinue my diary: Ip,slanty. — ^At this pint the Pi-esideat displayed that originality and fer- tility uv dmaginiashun karacteristic uv Mim. IThe rec©i>^un wuz grand. The ma-sses call3d for Grant, and His Highuesis promplly responded. He asked em, ef he wuz Judiis lakariot wlhio wuz the Sayiour? Thaxl Stevens? If so, than after swingin around the cirkle, and findin traitoais at both ends uv the line, I leeve the thirty-six States with thirif- six stars onto em in yoor hands, and — ■ The train wuz off a,mid loud shouts uv "Grault! Grant!" to wich the President responded by wavin (his hat ' Ann Arbor. — ^At iflhds pint the train moved in to tlie inspirin sounds uv a baud playin "Hale to tlhe Oheef." Vodfrous eri-as uv "Grant! Grant!" His Majesty smiUnly appeared and thanked em for tlTe deTO'Onstrition. It wuz soothin, he remarked. The air the band wuz playin, "Hail to ithe Chief," wuz approprit, ez he wuz Chief Magistrate uv the na-shen, to wich posisheu he hed reached, heviii Ibin Alderman uv his native village, U. S. Senator, et settry. The crowd hollered "Grant! Grant!" and the President thanked em for the demonstration. It sftjowed him that the pople wuz witlh (him in his efforts to close his eyes on a Union uv thirty-six states, and a flag uv thirty-six stars onto it. Ef I sum a traitor, sed he, wh) is the Judis Iscariot? Ez I'm swiugin around the cirkle, I find Tlhad Stevens on the one side and Jeff Davis on the— The conductor cruelly started the tr.xiu, without 'givin him time to finish; The crowd proposed three cheers for Gnant, and the President waved his hat to em. sayin that Ihe itihanked em, showin as it did that 1ihe people wuz with him. Battle Creek. — A large number wuz assembled here, who, ez the train fstoppe*!, yelled "Grant! Grant" Affe<:-ted to tears by the warmth uv the recep- tion, the President thanked era for this mark «r confidento. Ef he ever hed any doubts ez to the people's bein with liim, these doubts wuz removed. He wood leave In their hands the flag and \he Union uv thiiity-six States, and the stars thei-eto appertainin. Ef he wuz a .loodis Iskari'jt who wiiz— The crowd gave three hearty cheers for Grant ez tlie train moved off, to wich the President responded by wavin his hat. Kalamazoo. — The ofiishels were on hnnd ait this pint, and so wuz the people ^fouT offishels and several thousand poople, wich the latter greeted us with shouts floT "Grant! Grant I" The Presildent responded, sayin, that in swiugiii around the oirkle, he hed bin called JooJis Iskariot for sacrific-in us liisself for the people! AVho wuz the Saviour? Wuz Thad Stevens? Xo! Then cle(-,rly into yoor hands I leave the Constitution uv thirty-six stai-s and thirty-six States onto em, intact and undissevered. The offishels received the Stars and St-ripes, and amid cheers for Grant, for whidh lihe President thanked, era, tha train glode off magestit-ally. And 80 on to CMoago, whjere we d'.du't gut off our speech, though from the manner in wich the people hollered for Grant! Grant! we felt cheered at real-. izin how muidh they wuz with us. His eminence wanted to sling the thirty- - ,- ^HE i^ASBr Letters. 65 six Stotea ami the flag vAOi tihe stais on em, but ez General Logan wuz tiiere, leady to fling it back, if wuz deemed higijly prudent not to do it Heiva my trials oom/raenst. At tlhe BMdlo House, in Deta-oit, tShe nS'gger wait- ers ^awed bow maicili u, Afpiliin kin be .spiled by bein free. They bed the impudence to refooee to wait on us, and for a half hour the imperial stumicis; wuz forst to fast. This alarmin ananifestaliooi uv negro malignancy alarmed His Eggsalemey. "Thank God!" sed he, "that I vetoed the Fi'eedmen's Buroo Bill. I ihev bin Alderman uv my nativ tonvn — I her swung around the entire drkle, but this I never dreemed uv. Whait would they do if they bed their rites?" IbS imcddeat made an impression onto him, and at CWoago he resolved to trust em no longer. He ordered his meals to his room, and sent for me. "My friend," sed he, "taste everything onto this table." "Why, my liege?" sed I. "Niggers is oooks," sed he, "and this food may be pizoned. They hate me, foir I ain't in the Moses biznis. Taste, my friend." "But spozn," sed I, "tlhat it shood be pizoued. Wat uv my bowels? -My Btumick is uv ez much valyoio to mo ez yourn is to yoo." "Nasby," sed he, "taste! Ef yoo die, who mourns? Ef I die, who'd swing around the-cdrkle? Who'd sling the flag and the thirty-six stars at the people, who'd leave idhe OonsbooBhn in their hands? The country demands the sacrifice; and besides, ef yoo don't, off goes yoor oiB^hl head." That last appele fetched me. Ruther than risk that oflos I'd ohaw strick- nine, for uv wat akkount is a Dimokrat, wiho hez wunst tasted the sweets uv place, and is ousted? And from Chicago on I wuz forced to taste his food and likker— to a«t ez a sort uv a litenin-rod to shed off the vengeance uv the nigger waiteire. I wood taste jiv every dish and diink from each battle, and ef I didn't swell up and bust in fifteen minits. His Sereme Highness wood take hold. I suffered several deaths. I reeoom my diary: Joliet. — ^The crowd wuz immense. The peasantry, ez the train approached, rent the air with shouts uv "Grant!" "Grant!" His Patency, the President, promptly • acknowledged the compliment. He wuz ssvcrificin hisself for them — who bed imaide greater sacrifices? He bed bin Alderman uy his native town, arid Vice President; he wuz too modest to make a speedh, but ef he wuz Judis Iskoriot, whio wuz the Saviour? He bed swung around the drkle, and hedn't found none so far. He left in their hands tlhe — And so on, until near St. Louis, when we penetrated a Dimocratic country, uv wloh I informed His Majesty. "How knowest thou?" sez he. "I ob- serve," sez I, "in the crovvnds a large proportion uv red noses, and hats with the tops off. I notice the houses unpainted, vrith pig pens in front uv em; and wat is more, I observe the crowds compliment yoo direct, instead uv doin it, ez heretofore, over Grant's shoulders. Th.3 linigbts uv tihe Golden Oirkle, wioh I spect Is t!h-e identical cirkle yoo've bin swingin around lately, love yoo and approacih yoo confidently. The President brisked up, and from this to Indianapolis he spoke with a flooddity I nfver observed in him before. I may say, to yoose a medikle term, that he bed a hemorrtiage uv words. At the latter city our reception wuz the most flatterin uv eny we hev experienced. The iteople, when the Preadent appeared on the balcony uv tihe Bates House, yeflled so vociferously for Grant, thiit the President, when he stepped forward to acknowledge the compliment, ooodent be heard ait all. He waved his hat ; and the imore he waved it the more complimentary tihe crowd became. "Grant!" "Grant!" they yelled; and the more the President Showed himself the more tihey yelled Grant, until, over- powered by tlhe warmth uv bis recepshim, and unwillin to expose his health 66 Tme Nasby Letters. ttie President ajetired -n-ithout slhigin a speech at em, but entirely satisfiei that the people wuz -with him. The nest moi-nm the offis-holders uv the state, without tJie people, as' semMed, and he made his regler speech to em, wioh appeared to be gratify}] to both him ana them. The President does not like to sleep with a undelivere speedh on his mentel stumick. It gives l;im the nitemai'e. Here I left the party, for a short time, that I mite go home and attend t luy official dooties. There is five North am fauiilios meai- the Comers wii-1 must hev nolic© to leave, and elglur niggeais to hang. I hed orders to repoi to the par^y soimewhere between Looi.-iville and Hari'isburgh, wieh I ,shel d( ez, fcravelin by order, I get mileage and sich. PBTBOLEtlM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster), .' and like-wise Ohaplin to the expedishnr/ THE TOUR ENDED— TO WASHINGTON. (The President's longing for a hearty reception was gi-atified at Louisvilli The people of that city hurrahed for no one edse. In that city Grant and Fai ragut were ignored.) White Hooise, Washington, U. C, September 12, '6C. I rejined the Presidejishel party at Lootisville, and glad I am thaJ; I di it at that pimit. His Imperial Serenity hed bin pleased ever sence he left Oh cago, or rather sence he got near St. Lf/ois, for two thirds uv Illinois wuz pizer and Indiaiiapoliis wuz pizener. From St. 'Loois the recepsliu-ns wuz trooly coi .iel a»id even einthoioisiasllic. We got out uv the region uv aristtoc-rats, and he come down to the hard-fisted yoman:ry. I seed holes thro the hats uv men; peed wat mite be called the Hag uv Ujiuocrisy warai fi-om behind em, whitl ez they genraJly eitheo- hod no coats a' aQi, or ii any, they weiie rouudaboiib wuz alluz in view. I siw wimen who disdained stockinLS and dipped snuff, an I felt to home. I wuz among Democracy. Tlie eheerin for Grant and Fan's gut closed ez we got into them regions, and uv the lociferons crowds half Uj era, the yo'inger ones, cheered Andrew Jdhnisan, while the oid veterans, the^ whose noses wuz blosisamtii for the tomb, cheeired for Andrew .Taokson. Hi Serendty smalinly acknowledged both by mak'in a speech toi em, and wavin'hi hat. With these preliminary remarks I rcsooih my dtaiy: Ivoudsville. — There wuz a magnificent demonstration here. His Imperii Majesty, who wuz iai a e'ggsalenb, condition to make crowds large enough, n narked to me ez we wuz ridin through the strep-ts, " 'Siploa 'splay! 'Mor' ten 'unerd soiisandl people — mor'n ten m'.llrou people — mioi-'n ten 'unerd millio, people — ^mor'n ten 'vineid. siousand million i)coi)le^-and ,'jilliivum 'sportcrs m poIi<'y. "Rah for me!" His Majesty ondonbtt-dly eggsagerated toward the last; but it is safe t put th« throng down at a good many. That estimate is entirely safe. Thei wuz the finest display uv banners and sich I hev seen since we startid. The-rej white and red wuz displayed from almust half the houses, ladies waved fhei hii.ndkerohiefs ez we passed, aiid men cheered. A pleasin incident occni here. I noticed one gushin mlaSden nv tliirty-seven Avavin her handlicrcher i tho she wuz gettin so much per wave, and hed rent to pay that nite. I reoo nized her to wnnst. When I wuz a citizen uv Ohio, and wuz drafted into il service uv ithe United States, and clothed in a boib-tailed blue-coat, and hed Oystpan muskit put into my unwilliii hands, and forced to fite agin my bret] The Nasby Letters. 6t PTi. oxip rpffiment passed tliro Looisville, ami stayed tlwre some days. I tvuz ralkiai ome aftei-noooi, when I met t'hiis ideixtical angel. She saw my bloo kote, |nd eim-aged, spit im my face with slch enei'gy tihat she threw out uv her mouth [ full set uv false teetli. I returuwl em gtMantly, wiped my face ^vi■th my haud- iC-reher, and yowed that haudkercher Bhood hencefortlh be kept sacred. It -n-iiz; iTwTwhen I seed her waviai hern at our party, I wept like a Philadelphia Con- reiishen. I stopped the carriage, mi't the patniotie female, called her attenliou ;o fhe incident, and handed her my ha-ndkeroher whiich hed, four years before, ^ipeiH her spilttle. The incident gavt new figov to Iher arms, and from tliat iirae She wared two handlveirjhers, and mdme wuz one UT em. I narrated the ncident to the President, aiwi he wept. ''' There wuz a large pei-cei?heii and a great variety of banners. Among the most noticeatle wuz a company uv solgers uv the late war, each with a leg )ff, dressed in the gi'ay uniforms into whiah tliey hed bin naustered out, with tills mi>tto: "We ai-e wJUin to gQ the otlier leg for A. Jolhnisoin." Auorte(r of Presidenit Johnson's policy, One flag iviiz c-aiptured from a Injeamy Tegiment at the first BuE Run, at vvich the I'resideut wopt. "Things is beeomia normal," ised be, 'Vheu the people wSl stand that. Wat love!— wait uniity! The flags uv both secshuns, wich wnz lately boi-ne by foes, now minglin in the same proceshim, ■ and all ut em Oheerin me." At last we arrived at WaMiinton, hevin swung entiTOly round the cirkle, and found triitors North and &>utih. The demonstraghen to greet the President on his arrival wuz immense. The clerks in all the dcipartments wuz out (at Icaist them ez wiizn't will wish they bed bin, ez ttieiT namjes wuz all taken), the solgers on duty wuz ondered 'OOit, and altogetiher it wuz the most spontaneous exbibdtiou I ever witncst. The Mayor made a speech. The President asked if he wuz Joodis Isoaritrt Who wuz the Saviour— told them be bad swung around the entire cirkle, and bed found traitors on all sides ut it, though seeoe be left Cleveland, Ohic-itgo, and Indiianapolis be wuz 'satisfied there wuz the heft uv tbem in the Nc-rth; but be this ez it may, he left the Ccmsti- tooshen, and the thiirty-six states, and the flag with itllilirty-sLK stans onto it, in tSs hands. He bad bin A'derman uv bis native village, and Congressman, and United States Senator, and Vice Preadeut, and President, wicb latter drcum-: stance he ixmsidered foiTohnit, but wuz, after all, am Humble Indivij'le. He didn't feel his oaits irauch, and wood do bi'S dooty a^n traitors North, ez well as agin bis misgui^ied friends South. So ended the Presidential excursion. , . ; PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wioh is Postmaster), and likewise Ohaplin to the expedishn. P. S.— I forgot to mensbun that at OTDicago we laid the comer-stone uv a monumeajt to Douglas. The oceuremce bed entirely ^lippod my memory. P. V. N. THE OCTOBER ELECTIONS— EFFECT IN KENTUCKY. (The overwhelming defeat of the Johnison party in the North was a crush- ing blorw to the people of the South, who bad hoped that through bim slavery would, in some foiim, be restored.) Oonfedrit X Roads (wicb is in the Sitate uv Kentucky), October 14, 1866. Tliora is moiirnin in Kentucky. The results of Ibe elections in Ohio, lu- jeMiiy, PeouiSylvainia, and Iowa reaoh^ me yest-srday through a Louisville pa- per, wicb wuz dropped off the cars at Secessionville, wicb is the nearest, statiou to us, and wicb, I hapnin to be there, I picked up. Ohio— iO.OOO Ablishn! Injeany— 20,000 Ablisbn! Peninisylvany— 20,000 Ab- lisbn! Iowa— 30,000 AbUshn! Ablishn! AVait a di'eary waste uv Ablisbn! Not a single oasis uv Diuiocrisy anywihere — ^nary Aryrat on wich our ark kin reiat in safety — ^but all around us the mad waves uv Ablishuism rearin' their crested heaxis muchly. I felt it my dooty to make this fact knoiwn to my neighbors; for, sposin Biait His Sei-ene Highness' trip wood seoure us enuff deestricts to malce the next Ooogress safe, and corisekently make us cei-tiu uv admission, they bed ton nmkin arrangements for restorin things to tShedr normal condishun, ez they were befoire the war. in fact, two weeks before, in view uv the expected success uv the De- mocracy, a meetin bed bin held on the subject. Some wuz for at once seeziii The 1S[a8BT Letters. , - ■ 69 tiho Diggers -wiiereYer they coiod be found, and puttiiii em ati -vrork; but the cou- sermtives ovemiled tihis. They held (that slaveiry hed bm abolMied, and that it ought not to be restored; in fact, that, to act in good faitlh, it oood not be re-esteiiilisihed. Deekin (Pogpaim amnioiunced a plan. The town authorities sbood pass a, ordinance for the proper government uT the niggeirs. Their good and ouin demamded it For instance, they shood not be penmittcd to be out after 7 o'dock, p. m., in the oveniu; tb.ey ^oodent leave the plantation onto wdioh they wuz employed; they shood work ev«ry day till 7; and to do away ■with the pemiciouB work uv the Freedraen's Bureau, no man and wife wich hed bin married by a chaplSm uv the Bureau, or by any ome else, shood be em- ployed on the saime plantashen, aiid also no father or miother and (MM. Sich ez violated these ordinances shood be arrysted by anybiody and fined; and in de- fault uv payment uv the fine and costs, ^ood be sold to the person who wood take Iffls his or her labor for the shortesit number uv years, and pay the fine and costs afaresed. "Ez a oonservartive," said the Deekin, "I sejest this plan." "Do yoo want to know my definition uv the word 'ooniservative' ?" sed Joe Bigler, a returned ConfedeTate soljer, who, I bleeve, hez seen enuff uv war., "It's a mam who goes a round-about way to do a deivilish mean thing. Deekin, why oam'it yoo go to the devil by a straight road, ez I do?" The interupshen uv tbe demoralized wretch wuzn't notist; and ez the trus- tees uv the townBhip wuz all present, the ordinanoa wuz passed, and that night two-thirds uv the niggers within five miles uv the Oomers wuz aiTested and sold, and within two weeks eveay one hed bin oapehexd. I hied me to the ComeBs, and the first ma.u I saw was Bascom, the grocery keeper, engageld in ttie congenial bizDis uv tappin a bairrel uv contentment, widh he hed jest reoeeved. I wtiz a going to tell him the dread inteUigenoe, when he caught site uv me. "Taste that, Parsom," sed he, holdin out a tin dipper full. I drank it off, and one look at him onmand me. "Kin I o'ercloud that anulln ohoeik?" itihot I, ez, in a fit uv absent-mindednis — ^wich I hev every now and then — ^I held out the empty dipper to be filled agin, wfoh it wuz. "No! tor a time he shel be spared;" and I borrered Ms mule, and rode away pensively. I wuz goim fust to Deekin Pogram's, for ha wuz the most interested uv any 5n ithe settlement. After the meetin mentioned above, the Deekin had baused the arrest uv sidh niggers ez he cood ketch, and had had «m fined in sums uv $275 and uppards, widh bein unable, ez a rool, to pay the fine, he hed kindly bid em in. He hed pioked up, here and there, all uv his old servants, oeptin those which hed bin killed in the army, and the few misguided ones wich hed made their way North, and that momin tha plantashen wuz to be reoonstnicted upon the old patriarkle system.. Mrs. Deekin Pogpam wuz marshelUu four uv the Lke- liest wenches I ever saw ia the kitchen; his saa Tom wuz ohuekin a yaller girl vnder the chin, widh heU bin bom on the place about eighteen years before, and widi, owin to a unfoptunate resemblance to the Deekin, hed caused a on- pleasantnis betwean him and his wife, viioh ended in the loss uv the most uv his hair, and the selUn uv the girl's mother to Noo OrleanSj The two girls hed each their waitin-maidis, and wuz a pultin them through thdr paces. There hed bin some trouble in' gdttim eon reconstructed, it feeing deeaned necessary to take :the eonseet out uv em, wieh they wuz all a-doin. Ez I rod© up, the old lady hed jest knocked one uv em down with a fire-shovel, and wuz danein a Highland flir^g onto her prostrate body. Almira, the oiMost gal, hed her fin- gers in the wool uv feer gal; and tother uno wuz thumpim hem to redosa hex to '1 70 The JS asby Letters. . "* ~ ; hoo? pTK>per level; and the Deekin KsselE wuz dealin with one omgrateful -wretcli wlio abjeeted to beiu put to work en tli'in terms, not realizin that the Bnreau was gano. Ez tto D&akin hed a rovol.-w, he yielded the pint, amd submitted to be flogged, wich the Deiekin wuz dolu ez neatily ez I eTer «vw, conisideriu he bed bin out nv practis four years. He had 1dm tied up to a tre?, and wuz a waJloiiiu uv him gorjus. Wbile he wuz a (■on\'inc"in uv him with his whip that thjre wuz tro^O'th in the Skripler, and that Ha.m wuz reeEy a sei-vant unto his brebhrin, I excLiimed, "Stop!" and iniimejit- ly whispered the api>allin news in his left ear (totiher hed bin chawd off in a, nnsunderstamdin at Bascom's the previous ;- Sunday nite, after servis). >fever shcl 1 fL>rgit the look uv woe on that emi- ^ riomed the South wood extend, mot precisely universaJ suffrage to tho nig- gers, but the way wood be open to em. Sioh a mass uv ignorance cood i.ever be ?2 The Na by Letters, taiisted with liiei ballot witih.oiTt prepara sien, and to prepare lem wcwd be a overturain the Kentucky theory, that the nigger is a beast, and tlhe Northern Demokratic idea tihait the nigger wi z cuBt by Noer amid dooaned forever to be a slave. "The geiitleroain froim Illimioy -will to-wnnst pefrcedve the fix we are in. They ain't fit for the baUot now, and ef -we make em so, it oyertmiis our t!heoTy, Tv-ich we can't do. Stfil w« propose to bo just to eim. We sihel give sich uv em itihe ballot ez are sufiieiently initeiUijeait, and ehel Bot put the standard too high. We shel give every wun ur em the ballot who ia able to reed the Greek testament flooently, and pass a credible examinashen in tatin, embroddery, French, German, English Graanmar, and double-entry boiok-keepin. Tlhe i>atli to the polls, yoo see, is open to em. TJ v course "we can't be expcicted to tole- rate skoo-houses for em, cause that wood raise em aibove their noinnjal oomdislien. Ateo, ther must be proper reguiasheus coetroUin em, for, my deer sir, they are mere infants, and ther totteriai , steps om tlhe road to feeedioim meeds dlireeting. Society is a compromise in wich every one resigns ez mnidh uv Ms ipepsnel liberty ez ilie good uv the hull may demand. We count ourselves the hull, and the resinin uv persael liberty must oome from tlhem. That nigger," sed ihe, pintin to wum wioh tlhe j oyons citizens wtiz stringim up to Basoom's sign- post, "that mgger is a resinin hiis persnel freedom for itihe good of the hull. No doubt iu his heart he .murmurs, and ef the card wiidh is cihokin Ihiim oood be loosened, (he wood repine. It is rough on him; but the sooperiority uv the Oauca^hn race tmust be— My God! it's one uv my niggers! - Stop! Basooim, stop!" e.iakjiated tlhe I>eeldn, but it wuz too late. The nigger wuz already black in the face, and hed ceased to kick, and the Deekin, Iheavin a sigh, per--^ ceeded. "We shel scroopulously regard their rites. They ^hel Ihev itihe rite to buy land, and be in al reispecks like us, pz soon ez they cam be trusted. IHl then ttiey wfll hev to be restraumied. There must be laws prdhibitin em from re- oeivim miox-e than $4.50 per month, that they may not become bloatid amsto- crats and pampcired sons uv luxurj^ — ^the proper developmemt uv the coontry, and likewise the payment uv the Oonfodrit debt, requires mianuel lalbor, wiCh we wuz neveir edjucated to do, and therefore the goiod of the whole requires that they ehd resigne their persnel liljierty sio fur ez itlo be oonfined to the planfa, shuns, 'onto wich they hev engaged to laber, that they may reUjusly do sed labjT, wich is oleerly necessary, for yoo see ctf I hire a nigger la Jamooaiy, X must not be exposed to the chances uv his quittiu me in. July. But wat more Inn they want? They are free to ez great a extant ez the good of society wiil pei-mit. We shel give em qualified suffrage, fixin, uv course, wioh is just, the quadifioatioins ouipselves, and bein valyooabte members of society, hereaiter we shel care fur em, so long ez they are healthy — Good Lapd, why wlill tliem cusses persist in hangiu vip able-bodied niggers, whem there's (so many old coi^es around, good for nuthin but to celebrate with?'' and to save another wun uv his former sei"vamts, the Deeldn closed ahruptly. It is oomecessaiT to recount the further doins uv the nite. There wuz a skool-house and chiu-Ch, recently erected, bumd, with some skoope or sich a matter uv young niggers in em, wich wuz too young to be of any yooise, save one giij, wich wuz iieerly white and almost fifte'aa, wich ought to hev bin res- fcood, and five, ef I counted correctly, able-bodied men amid wiimiu wuz hung. Basoomi sold out his stock entirely, and by 3 a. m. the entire inhabitamce uv the OoimerB wuz a layin around the square, in festoons. There wuz a bitter am^akenia to thiia scene uv ftestivity. At a little after ■L Jijjiile^the Deekin, the Elder, and myself wuz in Basoom's tryin to get an I- Tub Nasbt Letters. ta assimgenv-aacl ISie best we oood do wnz to paur a quart uv water into a barrel wicih Ihedl Wn emptied, laiud-roin it anouud and thus flaTor it— Captain Mc- Peiter, late uv MorgiaJi's cavaliy, cum in from LooisviJle. Eagerly wo asked tarn tilie ooiafinDatioiu uv tJie tidins, when he informed us that it wuz a hoax- that no such thing Ihed bin dney. Pay up fus, and de 'trace afterward. I can't do sidh a disagreeable ting widout de caSh in advance." This ruther destroyed the effect. The imities wuzn't preseorved. The nig- gers in front bust out in a torturin laff, and Pollock and Bigler rolled in convul- shuns UT lafture, in wich half uv our people joined. Me a standin petrified, in the attitood of embradn. and that cussed nigger standin with his hand extended for the money, with the Deeklji and Ba-scom horror-struck jist behind, formed a tabloo wich wnz more slrikin tiian pleasant. The meeitin wuz to-wuiisc adjourned, for it wuz evident to the dullest com- prehtmsen that nothin moi'o coodent bj done that nite. Es yoosua!. I failed f!.'r want uv capital. Hed I bin possesaed uv the paltry sum uv fivo dollars, h.nv d^-Trent wood hev bin the r.^sult! Perch.uice we may, thro that JefishKucy, luse Kentucky. It must never occur agin — my salary must be raised. I can't make brix without straw. Joe Bigler met me next momin, and remarkt that he regrettid the occur- rence, ez he ardently desired to se.> the two races a pullin together. "The fault, Perfesser," sed he, "wuz in not managin. properly. The next time yoo "want a spestable nigger to sit on the platform witb yoo and the Deekin, or kiss or embrace yoo — ^git him drunk. He'll do it then, prabably — ^I know he wiE. 78 ■ „. , The Nasbt Letters. ' Ef he's dnmt muff he'll hurrah for Johnson, and it's possible to git em down, ta th« pint ut votm with yoo. Lord! how wihiskey diugs it man down. See wat it's brot yoo to!" and the iaisidtia' wreteh rolled off, laffiu Ixjisterously. "Git em drunk, Perfesser!" he yelled ez kmig ez he oood see me. "We don't inteml to give it up. BigUr's advioa wuz given in jest; but, nev- ertheless, I she! a«t upoa it. Whiskey i-i wajt brings -whiite msn to ua; and ef u. wlhito mail) kin be thus capcherad, why iiiot a niggei'? The Afi'ikjn hezu't got ez far to fail to giit doiwu to our level, and it'll take kss to biing him. Basconj ordered five barrels to-day, wich I sposo the Adminfetrasihen will pay for. M'e Ihev yet tJie Noo York Custom House, and more uv the perkesiits imust be yoosed for politikle pm-poses. PETROLBITM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmasitei':), Euid likewise Professor. THE RUSSIAN PUECHASB. (The PresMent wais ovemm by the seedy place-hunters who joined his fac- tion, ill hope of attaiuing posilions they never could get otherwise.' The Blair frmdly were camdidoites flor almost ©very promdnent posiitioin in the government.) Washington, April 14, 1867. It's done' Saward dlid it — ^hjim aiid me! The American eagle hez ooz now to srreem with redoulbled einergy. If the Nais'hureil bii-d vruz a. angel, I shood re- mark to it, "Toon yoor hai-p anoo;" but it ain't, and tthei'eifore sich a rekest wood be ridiculouis. This rapsody hez reference to the Boosihen purchis. The Sdea origiinatid in th^se massive! intelleck. When I wuz here afore, the Blairs, all uv em, wuz a crowdin the sainted Johnson for a mishun. Cowan wantid a mfishun, anldsoda)dDoo?(;ttle; p-Dd that day pi-etly much all uv the dele- gates to itihe Clevclamd a>nd Pliiladelphy Oomveu-shens had bin there, wantin some kind uv a place; v/at, they wuzn't partikeler. One gentleman, whose nose (wich ti'^yoly blossoimed as the lobster) betokened long service in the party, urged thiDt he hadi bin a delegate to both convensheus. "Thank GodI" sed Jolhnson. "Wood that both them conventlieais heS bin made up uv the same men. I woiod then hev bin bored for places ondy half ez much ez 1 am." I wuz a helpin him out in my weak way. Whem the eroiwd wantin places became too great for human endooran -e, I Tv^ood say in a m'odrit tone, "Let's ■go oniit and git suthiin;" aind to-wunst fu'ly half wood exclaim, "Thank yoo, I don't keer ef I do!" It wuz a great relief to Johnson.but wuz pizen on nie. With the most uv em, the anguish, anxisty, and solissiitioiod in the gittin uv of- fises and free drinks wuz about an ekal thing. The offiises they wantid wnz mer<>ly the m'eanis to that perfcikeleT end; and so long ez they 'Wuz gittin the latter without the trouble uv the former, they wuz coaite-nt. A good conston- shen and a copper-lined stuimick carriej mo thro this tryin ordeal, until I came a-cross a Boston applicant, who, ia coiisekence uv the perhibit/iry law, bed ban for siome limie 'oai short rashems, and wuz iceen set. Napoleon bed then m«t his WeHingtoe, ajid I succumd. Tho man's talent wuz womderful. Sokre*ai-y Seward wuz in trouble about the Blair family. He hed did his level best for em. He hed appinte".! em to eollekterships and furrin mishun.s; but tho orooel Sanit, wich hod no respeck for us, to^ok delite in fastening uv em onto us by perpetooally rcjectji em. Jest after a loaig siege by Mont- gomery amd the old man, I sejestid the purchis uv the Itooshen Ten-itory, to wich not only they cood be sent, but a t'.»;..isand uv others wich we hed oai our liands; and the Sekretary wuz so pleased with the idea that he wept like a child. He set immejitly abo'.it gittin tes timomlials ez to tha valyao uv the terri- toiy, to iufloioeiiioe the Senit in ratifyln the treaty he "wuz a goiu to make. He I The Nasby Letters. 79 wrote to a naral officer about it, who aiiswored more promiptly than I ever : jintnvcl a naval offiser to do, ez follows: "It's trooly a splendid country! Thj trade in die skins uv whitu bears kiu ■ be, if pl'opsrly dtveloped, iwido enormc.u>-. There is seals there, and walruses so tame bhat they cooiie up uv their oiwu akkord to be ketched. "P. S.— In casa the purdiis shood b.i made, a naval staslion will be neces- sary. May I hope that my long serv;c,-;i lom the Ploridy Ooaisfc will prove suf- fis-heut recommtmiasheiu for the command uv iChe d3pot? May IV "I hev the homor to be," &c. A distingufehed Perfessor ■wrote: "The dimate is about the style uv that tlhey hev in Washinton. The Gulf Sti^eam sweeps up the coast, causin a deoided twist m the isothermal line, wich hez tlh© effeek uv miaJdng it ruther sulti'y than otherwise. Anywheres for six hundred miles back uv the coast striiwbemes giiow in the open air. I rec- ouimeud strongly the purohis. ' "P. S. — In case the purchis is made, a explorin exptdisilien will be m^es- sary. May I hope that my scientitjik attainments sru suftisliwitly weU known to yoo to recommiend me ais a proper person to head the expedssheii? JIay,l? "I hev the honor to be," et settry. The President wuzn't favorably inclined. He wuz f nil uv the old fogy idea that it wuz rather chilly there thao otheirwiise. He hedu't faith in the Isother- iml Line, and wuz skepticle about the Crulf Stream. It wuz his expericnee that the further Noi-th yoo got the colter it wuz. For instance, he remarkt, that whilp the people wu^' warm, towaivj him in Viiisinny and Mai-yland, last fail, they became veiy Cold ez he got North. Wher wuz the Isothermal IJue and the Gulf Stream then? iiandall, who will hev his joke, reraarkt that the feothei-mal Ene twisted. He notist that the people made it ez hot for em ez he wantid it ex fiu' Noi-th ez Cleveland; to wich Sekretary WcUe-i iieplied, that it only eoniii-med him in the opinion that for platin vessels uv wiai", iron wuz preferable to pine plank any time. * Seward 'removed the Preisdidemt's objections to-wunst. He read his lettei-s, wich set forth the beautj'eis and advantages uv the eounitiy twiot over. Here wua whales, anid walmsses, and seals and wbite beai's, and pine-apples, and vAeat, and sea-lions, and fields uv ice the year round, in a eliniit ez mild and equable ez ithe meifdian uv AVashduton. The isothermal line wuz more aceom- m'odatin ther than in any other part uv the world. It cork-screwed through the territoi-y so ez to grow fine peaches for exportatiou to the States, and ice- to the Sandwich Islands, side by sidj. He drawd a picter uv the white bear a rujshin over the line, and dissportin hisself in fields uv green peas! Imagine, ' he remarked, the delicacy uv polar beai- meat fattened on sitra wherries ; ithiuk uv tlio condishn the sea-lions must be in which teave their watery lairs to feed on turnips wich grow above the 6Dth parallel; think uv — "It won't do," sed the President. "Think uv," retortid the ' Sekretary, with a quicknis uv initellek remai-k- able, "think uv gettin rid uv the Blairs forever!" :. "Will Ablishii Senit ratify the treaty?" askt Johiisom, eagerly. "I converrt with many on the subjick, ami they sed ef we oood promise ; that the Blairs would accept posishens , thea-, they wood do it oheertty. For sich a purp'ose, sed one uv em to- me, $7,000,000 is, a mei'e bagatelle." "I'M do it," sed Johnson. ■ "I agree -vviitih the Senators for onoe. Bather ..than hev it fail, I'd pay it out uv Mrs. Cobb's share in our jint specelashens. 80 The Nasbt Letters. ' .-' --■ Freedom from the Blair family! GSood Hevings! kiii one mam be so blest? Is trher sii* in sbore for me? $7,000,000! Pish!" My opinyun b^ug askt, I give iit. Bz tieifty ez the Tendheir is from a com- menslil stan-pint, in a politikle pint ut view, fihe advamitigis will be still hef- tier. The Eooshn territory will fiaally be the cihoseii homie uv the Dinnok- lisy. Tiler is aJiieady a, populashen thare adaptid to us, -ptIm) kin be mampu- latid without trouble, and the climit is favorablei to a strickly Democratic populashen. The trouble with ns here is that the amOTinit uv likker neoes- eaxy to the mamufakter uv a Democrat kills him afore he^ez the opportoeick ez ther is in North Carliny. Ez the monument wuz elevated, ther wuz appropri.-ire speeches and tlien..my little ai-rangements cum in. A, rigger woman I hed took with us from Washington rushed for'ard, and sed, "P.less de Eord, I've bin a waitin for dis day to see the Presidi^nt — our President!" at wich a squ:id uv niggers I'd pivked up and drilled, hollered " "llor!" This little affeetin sceen over, two quadrcons, wich I'd also bro't vfith 1^3 in a pri-'il oar, cum for'ard -nlth a expressitn uv profound greef, at wich the I'residei't wept, and tjnd-'ly slung Vokays uv the choicest dowers we cood I'liT iu Washington, np.m )ho tomb. It wuz reely a techin tabloo. The ancient nigger woman a holdin the President's land; the young quadroons a slingin the bokays; the President with his head bowed, apparently a dreamin uv the days uv his boyhoo.d; me with an' expression uv thankfulness that the niggesps hed at last recognized their Moses ; Seward with a saintly smile on his face; Welles tryin to look ez near like Seward ez possible, but failin mliserably to look like anything but the eggrejis old ass he is, and Randall with his handkerdher to his eyes ez ef onmauned by the movin sceen, but keepin one eye cocked over the handkercher to see how it took among the niggers. It wuz a sceen ©asieir to be imagined than de- scribe. Their wuz incidents whiah occurred vpich did not appear in the telegraph. When His Exoellecmcy wuz speekin uv himself, and remarkt that his race wuz nearly run, a unr^eneratod nigger yelled out, "Tank de L/ord!" And when the_ quadroons wuz a strewin flowers on tho grave uv His Excellency's father, I observed raither more titteiriu among tlie niggers than I approved uv on so solemn an oeoasi'on. I askt Randall what he thought uv the spoekelashen, and his answer, "It don't pity!" struck me ez bavin a vane uv trooth runnin through it. On our return, the President wuz allowed to speaik moore, for Randall got tirod of wtttdhin liim. We returiLcd in good health, and siomo wuz in good spirits. Seward feels well, for he hez an abidin faith that the mere showiu uv hasself alluz h^ an effeok for good upon the people, and ez a matter uv course Sscretary Welles thinks so to. IPETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmasteir), and likewise Professor. 84 The Nasby IjetteM. --A ' I AN AMNESTY PROCLAMATION. I (The litoeral and Arewd use of patronage was all that saved tlie Preswlimt from iimpeadiiaemt. There -weo-e Eepublican Senators y/iM fweaie opposed to H or. legal grounds, but there were others -wlho were too deeiply todebteHi to tho President to rote for impeadhment.) Post OflBs, Ootnfediit X Eoads^_ (widh ra in tlhe Stait uv Kentucky), '^ Septetobeir 10, 1867. I TVTiz brot to Washinton by a despatch. His Bggisilenjcy bed at last de-" tCTmmed to puit !b,is foot down— to asSiTt his power, aoiid to take measures sioh ez woiod bring to the top, where they properly belong, tUait large^ class uv tlio citizen.s- UT the Kepublic who iwuz engageid in tlie little oopleasontnis, wicih the A' .hnists took adrantago uv to deprive em uv their liites, and to keep em fpom exefTciBfia tbe inflooence in tbie government they anje, and alluz wuz, en- tiUed to. In slhort, ez Congress wuz adjourned, and coodent, by no means, be got together till No'vember, the Presddeint wuz oonivinoed that it wuz his daoty to improve his ttme, and be reelly Pi-erfdent. The oomsulfcatiion over the Proclamation ^vnz long and painful. KuCkley, who is jmw runmia tHie govemmeait mo- ^e<'l written the wheireases, wich is the most uv the document. Seward haul .lUld onto em the Proclamation pnoiper, widh wuz so small ez to give it a tad-pde appearance, and it wuz to be discussed. All uv em wuz in favor uv it but me. Ez anxious ez I wuz for the libeffashem uv our frlemds in the Southern States; ez anxiouB ez I wuz to give tlhat blessld saint, Deekin Pogram, a chance to wallop a nig'ger agiu afore he died, without bedn Interfereed with by a bloo-ooated hirelin, I still hed a dread. "Dare yoo," sed I, "go further in this biznis? Isn't impeachment at the end uv it, ef yoo stir up thiis matter? And with "Wade in the Presidential chair— my Grod! Pollock wood hev my post-ofl3js! My liege, I hed a dream last nite. Methawt — " "Grs on with the dream," sed TTi« Bggslency. "Go on, and I will be yoor Joseph to interpret It." "Kin yoo assoom the caracter uv Joseph, and carry it out," sed Randall, "with Mrs. Cobb in Washinton ?" This interrupshen preveutid me from narralin my dreem, so I resoooued at the pint at wicih I wuz interruptid. "And my opinion is the opinion uv all yooT appiutees. The offis-holder is nateraUy a Comsesrvative. Agitashuu, my liege, nmte shake vi« out uv our places. On yoo we hang — ^yoo are our hope, our anker and our oliiefest truist." And my remarlcs, wich I delivered with a treinblin voice, and with teers rodlin down my furrowed ohesks — I felt the soiemnity uv the oooajsioin, for wat oood I do ef turned out into tho cold world at my age? — ^wuz reoeeved with peaila uv lafture. "My deer sir!" sed A. J., "yoor innosence surprises me. Impeach me! Neveo.', so long ez filial and family love is a distinguif'hin carakteristio uv the leedSn minds uv Amei-ica — never, so long ez a Seoator hez a nephew to provide for, or a, brothier wiho yrnnits a place. Ah! that love uv blood relashuns! Wat a beautiful tlhdng it is! And how sti'ong is the maiu-iage reJatioQi wich prompts a mail, wlien 'he fcez promised to love, cherish, and proitect a vvife, to go oheirish- m and proitectln all heir brothers' aiud sisters' children— the love godn frekently, like leprosy, to the third generatiou! ' Thank the Lord for it! It's my only holt! Set yooff mind at eeae by perooziox these," and he tost me a bundle uv letters, neatly done up, and labelled "Letters from Radicle Members uv the House and Senit." The l^AsfeY LeweRS. §5 A lite da-WTied onto me ez I opeoea the first r in his towmship. He wuz a humani- tarian likeiwise. He opposed crooelty toward em. Ho wept when he beerd uv thQ massacre at Fort Filler, becoz in the army the nigger wuz ez much a man ez anybody, and sieh wholesale slaugh- ters teaidid to make calls for "500,000 more" more frekent. But when it como to givin em the privilege uv votin beside him, it eoodemt be thot uv. He oood nevea- ooiisemt that a race whose heels wuz longer than hizzen sho'od rool Ameriky. "My God!" sed thiis , ardent Hepublikin, "ef yoo give em the ballot, wat kin prevent em fro-m bedn Coiigrismeu, Semite's, Vice Preademts, and even Presidents? I shudder when 1 think uv it;" and he hurried iu his vote. I didn't quite see the force uv liis o'ljtcbihen. for it never okkun'ed to me that bein sent to Comgris wuz the iiatdal oonis-^kence uv votin. I hev voted for thirty years, at many elections four or five timeis, but I hev never bin to Oongris. Wher is the constituency wich wood elect me? But it wuzn't my biznis to controvert bis pos'shen. It made nio difference to me wat his reason ■wuz flor votia ez I desired him to vote. The niggeir-lovers beat updone man t > rote for the Amendment, wich, I saw by his diseatisfied look, bed, bin ovsr-peiswad-.d. "Sir!" sed I, "do yoo consider a Afrikin suffishently inteUigant to be trustid with so potent a ■weapon, ez bhe ballot?" Bustin away from them wich hfd h;ai in charge, be exclaimed, "No, I 88 The Nasby Letters. don't! I can't wbe for it. Th<-y ato't intelligent eaiuff. Sir, scratch off Hie: 'Yes' from my ballot, and put onto it 'No!' " "Here is a pensil," sed I. "Do St yerself," sed lie; "I can't wiite." And I did it. Sioh is the efEeck uv a. -word in season. Words fiUy spoken is apples uv gold, set in picteirs uv silTer. One man woodenit listen to me, but T mM'ansti'''.'i>3sihiiel ez ©mancjpas'hen. Issaker Glavitt reanxrkt that he hed a claim on the oppressors. He hed ,n.ad0 out no bill ez yit, ez flie nigger wich alluz did the figgeirin for his fatlier got to be impudent, amd woodent do it no more. But be sJiood get sonn^body w'ho cood write to copy the Doekin's WU, -wicih wood aoswer, ez the two farms ■\vorkt about the same number uv hands, tho uv famcy stock his father hed alluz kept the m«DBt, widh accountid for his bedn more bald-headed than the Deekin. Kernel MePelter wamtid no pay.' Ho wantid his ni'ggerB. To accept pay ,wood be to acknowledge the right ut the Illinoy goriller to releese em, wloh he wood never do. He hed one — ^lie saw he» tOKlay— widh he wood hev back PfgSn, Her and her husband, wich hed bin mai'iied sernce they wuz torn from him, hed purdiiist tien akere uv gronud up tow.tnls Garrottstown, and wuz Hvin omto it. Uv course, ez the emaucipashun wuz illegal, the produx uv their labor sence Ihat time wuz hizzcn, jest the sime ez though they remahied i%_ tilieir normal condiislhen. The ten akers woodent make him good, but they hed. two ehildi-em boa"u to em sence, mch, ef niggers brot any price, wood do suthin tcards it. Bascom prefen-ed to hev Grovemment pay ther valyoo, and let em stay free. They all hed some property now— leEistways they ooiod do wat they pleased with their money. Ti-oo, the hoft uv the procNseds uv theii' labor went to Pollock for dry goods, and grocerijs, and sich, ' but he bleeved that they wuz a imitative race. Ef they foJlowed the eggsampte sot eim by their white sospeiiors, they wood, in time, leave the heft uv it at has bar. He hed a few uv em under trainiin now, and he nutist that they wuz better customers than the whites, ez they didn't swaller their rcshens and tell him to "jist chalk it dov.m." A seiise uv the meetin wuz then taken, and a majority voted to fuist try to redoose them to their normal comdishen, and ef that wuz decided to be imprac- tirahle, then we oood, TNath still better grace, demand their valyoo uv the Gov- ernment. "Yes," exda'imed Kernel MePelter, "and for this great work ther is no better time than now. 'The Yoonyun ez it wuz!' Follei- me!" And fiorttwith the entire oongregashen piled out, rushin toward the nigger settlement om the Garrettstown road. Arrivin at the settlement, a cpiisultashen waz held. It wuz desided that I shood advance to th© doors uv the houses and deimaml suiTeudor, but I de- clined. Kemed MePelter volunteered, and we all waited jtihe result. He knocked at the door uv the first house. ^ "Wha' d'ye want?" exclaimed a voice. ' "I want yoo," sed the Kernel. "Wa' foah?" "My friend," sed the Kex-uel, impressively, "ef I reooigndze yoor dulcet tone, yoor my nigger. Four years ago yoo wuz set free, yoo sposed, by Lmkin; but we've done an ay with that. Oome forth, and give yooi-self up; you shel, ef yoo go peaceably, hev yoor old quarters agin, and be treated ez uvold." "Go away, white man, and stop yoor foolin. Dis njgga'S in bed." "Break down the doors!" yelled the Deekin, "and hev dome with it!" and a rush wuz made. The doors wuz brorke doiwn, and in a minit ttie nigger and his wife, and two eMdren, wuz out in the street, boi.nd and the Kernel hed the fumitoor 92 The JNasbt Jjettbrs. packt, ready to take to Ms own house. In the meantLmie assaults hed bia made 'GUI twoMOiertioaiBes, w^ih. iru(tJher diifferant result. Deekiu Pogram led one on the house uv a formeo- slave UT Mzzen, and "wnz disabled by a cbai'ge uv sliot In bis leg, .and the infooaiated niggeir threw open the winder and swore that he'd empty tother barrel into tihe head uv the first man who oame within range. The whole settlement wuz by this time akrmed, and lites sprang up, and we c'ooid hear the dick ur cocks \iv muskets, and the .pilin up uv funjitoor afore the doioips. It WTiz decided that the attempt to re-emslave em ibe given over for that nite, and corryin the Deokin, who wuz weak from loss uv blood, we made our way to the Oomers agin. Tlio result demionstratcd to me the impossibility uv the two races liyin together In hiaaranomy. There is a natral anta-gouism between em wicb must result insvitalbly in a war uv races,. omkss their status is fixed by law./ So long ez they are amomg us, so long sihel we be tempted to snbdoo em, and sioh sole-iharro-win scenes ez that uv la^t nito wiH result. Ez I he^ the groans uv the prostratid eaiat, De«kln Pogram (this is written at iais bedside in the inter- vsls uv'feedin him Idkker with a spoon), I feel ez tbo I moast vindicate my bdriih by goin out and killin a nigger. Nothi]i but the oncentainty ez to who wood be Mllod restrains me. Thank Heaven, next yeer, when Sejrmore is President, and the unccnBtitooshneil acts uv a Kiimjp Congress is done awiay with, all this will be fixed. It is tibdis that sootlies the Deekin, and enableS-lnm to endoor Ito suffeirla. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wioh is Postmaster.). MR JSTASBT EBGULATES A SCHOOL. (A zeilous Democratic sdhooi trusted did thrust the daughter of a Demo- crat out of sohooil in Monroe county, Ohio, supposing her to be the daughter at a megro, the real object of his dislike sitting quietly in her seat meanwhile.) Post Offis, Oonfedrit X Roads, (wicih is in tihe Stait uv Kentucky), November 25, 1867. When tIhe Almighty made niggers, he ought to hev miade em so that mixio wfith the sooperior race would have been an impossibility. I rite these lines propped up in. bed at my boardin house, my face beiateD to a jelly, and per- fectly kivered with stickin plaster; my niose, aUuz tihe beauty and glory- .uv my face, is enlarged to twiot it fair proq>orshenis; my few rermainin teeth hev bin knoickt down my -throat, my lips resemble sausages, my Jeft ear is forever no mioire, and wat little hair wuz a han.^in about my venjerable temples is gone, my head is ez bald as a. billyard ball, and twict its normal size. It come about thras: There wuz trouble in lone uv the Sjiithem counties uv Ohio. In a Teliably Democa'atic township in that county is a settlecaent nv nliggers, who, in the old time, ran away from Kentudiy, and settled there where they could' hev wat they earned, widh was jegt so much swindled out uv Kentucky. Uv course comin from Kentucky, these nig,?er5 are, msay, namely, the crushin wate uv taxashen, and the q.uestion uv payin the boiid.^i in greenbax." "Thajt's pi'obably becoz," remarkt I, "tJhe Corners pays niaiy tax; and becoz, al.'^o, uoit heviu any bonds nor greenbax, she don't care, to speek after the man- ner uv men, a d— n about it. Isn't that the case?" "Pr(i)»ably it is, but at the saimo timo we 'Ought to ecstemd a helpin hand to our brethren North, who are makin a viilyeiiit fite on this thing. Parson, we Djust hold a meetin on this question and resolve." ■NVilliu to accomm.odatti B.isc-om, I c.iUed the meetin, and last nite it took pilace. It wuz an enthooisiastlc - gathrin. Skasely hed the hoirn tooted afore tbo church wuz filled. It wuz curiosity TOch brot em. None uv em but Bas- com. Captain McPelter, a,nd myself, knowed wat a bonid wuz, and they wantid to find out. I wuz called upon to state the objeck uv the gathrin. - I opeu(>d ■wiiith a movin appeal to the people who wuz groanin imder a load uv tax- aishen, for tihe benefit uv the lordly bond-'hdldeiis uv the country; whose very life-blood n'uz a Wn sucked lOut uv em by the bomd^aaistoci-ats uv the country. The Kasbt Letters. 95 At ithis pint Joe Bigler, -who wuz uv course in the aujouoe, coTmnenst weep- in perfoosely, but disgusttuly loud. Ho fairly bellered, and displayed altogether too much emo^un. "Jlr. Bigler." sed I, "woodeat a. little less rioleait son-er anser?" "Parson," sed he, "never hiivin paid a cu'Ssid cemt uv tavcs in my life, I ,ievev knawd afwe how much 1 wuz beiu oppressed. But I'll contaue myself if I kin. I'll cork up my woes if they bust me." I then went on to explain the Pendleton ijee. First, the Govern- ment owes 'about four hundred thousajid millioois uv d-^Her^, more or less, wich is borrer,->.d. The Ablislm ijee is to pay this off ex it falls due, in gold, and in the meautiroo to pay interest auto the bonds ez per agreement on the face uv em. But this is oppresisCve. This payiu interest is wat's eatin us up. Therefore, Pendleton proposes to pay these bonds by issuiu four hundred thousand million uv greenbax. AVhen these greeiibax wear out, so that they ain't passable no more — ^so that B:iscom- won't take em for drinks, for instance — whj', tiien we'll prjit more gi'eenbax and give em new *ues. I don't see that the debt i.s paid off any, but we git out nv the iiite'l'est. We isihoo a non-beai-iu intrest note wi 'h the greenback is, for an intrest-bear- in note widx the present bond is, and c, impel the bond-holders to take em, thus releevin us, the tax payers, uv the welsbt uv taxaisbem we are now eompelled to carry. This ijee is mot, however, original with Pendleton. He's bin a steeliu my thunder'. 1 subsisted many yeers in Noo Jersey by the same e'xpi^dient. AAT)P,never I owed a man 1 gave him' my note, and fdt that a great load wuz off my mind. "When it became doo, ec it made the creditor eny easier in his mind, I took it up by givin him .anoth,~r, and so on, pervitled he wuz willin and hed faith enuff to pay for the stamps. It wuz an easy and ample method uv gittin on in the world without onple isa.ntuis. Captain MoPelter, late uv the Confodrit army, wantid to kniow ef the green- back wuz good enuff for the soljer, ei it wuzn't, good enuff for the bondholder? Baseom endorsed all that bed bin sad, and demandid resoiooshens, movin oaes, widh he presentid, and they wuz passed. At this pint occurred suthiu w'-.ch wuzn't down in the bill. SkaseJyhed the resolooshens passed, when .Toe Bigler stepped forward and remarkt that he hed votid for them resolooshens becoz he btz die inslide tirack now? I'll burn. it fhe minit the first on© crosses the threshiold." "Make a rush," yelled Bigler; "it won't burn, ooz he's bin a waterin it for a week." "Ha! too troo! but I liev yoo yjt. I'M overtmitn the barl!" I seed the pint to-wumist. A cold chiU crept over me, and Deekin Pogram shook like an aspen leaf. Nome cood be proOjoored this sM-e uv Iioloisvine, three days ait least! Spose the recklis man shood" carry out hSs threat! The Deekin amd 1 thiiew ourselves into the breech. We saw that Baacom wuz in deid ©amest. TIhe crowd saw things ez we did, and softened down. It wuz finally proposed ez a compermise thajl) the rekords uv the imeetin shood be dastroored, end tlhajt the ijee uv exohangila notes wfiHh Basoom .shood he abandioiiied, ■ and Bascom, on his part, to go on ez yooisual. Tlhis settled, we all took our regeler stiffners, and thus the Gomens bridged the greatest danger thiat ever tlhreateaield her. Ther is peece here now. PETKOLEirai V. NASBT, P. M. (vndh is Postmaster.) , , POLLOCK vs. BIGLEE. Post Offis, Confedrit X Eoads, (wlidh is in the Stait uv Kentudcy), April 2, 1868. The Oomeng Is flontinyooaJly eggsited. Scarcely does one fever git her- self allayed afore another is set agoin, and the result is the community is kept a bilen perpetooally. Pentickelerly does this occur wten Bajsoom runs slhort. His baiirels oantaim the troo oil wliich flows onto the ' troubled waf.ers uT our passions, and when them is out, there's a minatoor Toiphet to^wunst. The last excitement wuz probably the m'ost peboolyor tfhat ever happened to enny people, tbo it wuz nothin miore than cood be expected to grow out uv the altered relashjeDS uv the races to eadh 'otlier. It wuz one uv the lega- cies left us by the tyranit Iiinkln, and by mo means the leaist uv em. Under the old patrl'arkle system, it wuz the cuisitom uv the niggers to go by the namie uv their trooJy patnLarkle masters, widh wuz necessary, and not only neossisaiy, but proper. Onto eveiy plantasben ther wood be Ceesera, Hanmibals, and Pkmpeys, and the orily way to distinguisih em wuz to call em Oeeser Pograni, Hannibal Gavitt, et sebtry. This ansered very well ez long ez they wuz in a state uV skriptooraJl servitood; indeed, the proud Gaucar Bhen mastens rather liked it, ez the frekemcy with wich theix names wuz called The Nasby Letters. 97 Dldikated the extamt tiv tiheir possessions. But senee itihese oussas tev set up lor tliemselves, it ain't so pleassamt. Now ithat tiliey kin ■own propea'ty and pei^ joim ail the foiicti'OUis viv men, the same ez eny one else, it 3iez became dia- MSteful to the Ckxrnecs. It is a singelei' fact that the Oomers hez diskiyered, inoe the niggeris wuz set free, suthin they never knowd afai«, ito-wit: The siggers hez an odor unlike the -wliite. Wlion they wuz slaTes, ajid used to luss em and play with em, and wait on em, and sioh, this odor wuz not pur- >apitible. It hez developed senoe emiamcipaishen. Jes sio with ther names. In flier nornnfll oondisihen it wuz well — sence, it's a degredashua widi the Oornera lyon't brook, no l»w. Deekia Pograjn and Issaier Gavibt peirtdkeleirly cihafed under it. They inourned and lost flesih under th« inflicksihen. "To think," eed the Deekin, ['uT a hundred free niggeirs beaiin the houiored naane uv Pogram!" '"To tlhdnk," syed Issaker GaTitt, "uv a hundred naggers bearin the iliustriouis name uv &avitt!" And so they petLshemed the Iiegislacher at Frankfort to releeve em, by passin a law perhiibitin mggeis from bearin tihe name uv white men wiclj vniz tiheir former mastere. Theliaatleekedout, andtlhisimbiiolyo wuz the result. PoUoak, tihe BUnoy store keeper, wich is a disturber, immejitly sood Joe Big- ler for a store debt, and hed him hauled up afore Squire Punt. Joe immejitly subpoenaed all the dtazens uv tihe Corners ez witnesses, and hed em all m the Court room. "Come," sed Deekin Pogram, "swara me and let me go. I don't know notihin about tihis matter anyhow." "* "Not yit," sed Bigler; "I hev other tostimKMiy wich I sheJ put in. Mr. Con- Btaible, call Hannible Pogrom." IbB Deekin started ez ef he hed bin shot. "And ez we kin save the valyooable time liv this court by sweajin uv em in a lump, yoo may call also Pompey Joolixis Pogram, Oeeser Pogram, George [Waahingtan Pogram (so named beooz, like the first G. W., he aooden't tell a lie, widh is proof condoosive that he is a pure black, and haint got no Pogram blood in his veines), Melissy Pogram, Abslum Pogium, Cleopatra Pogram, Paul Pogram, Maiie AnilTnett Pograim, Bonapiaite Pogram, Oharlea Wesley Pogram, Abeil Jaffiksoo Po— " "Wat does this mean?" shreeked the Deekin, ez thiey filed into the court room. "Wat do yoo mean by biingin into this yer ocnrt room all these d— d niggers?" "Wat do I miean? Wat difference is it to yoo? They'r my witnesses — ^by these initelligent freemen I perpose to prove that yer Pollock a perjered viUaiu and a most un'conshunable swindler." And he grinned at Pollock, who winked wickedly at him in return. "And I." sed Pollock, "to save time, mate ez welil hev my witnesses »wore. Issaker Gavitt, stand up." Issaker arose. "Now, Mr. Constable, call Pompey Gavitt, MeEndy Gavitt, Augustus Ga- litt, Petronella Gavitt, Lycurgus Gavitt, Abslum Gavitt, Moses Gavitt, Jcf- femsou Gavitt, Adam Gavitt, Martha Washington Gavitt, Parker Gav— " "Am I to be swore with all these niggers?" roared Issaker, red in the face. "Keely," sed Squire Punt, "I can't permit this." "But yoo must," sed Bigler. "Ez desprit a wretch ez is this Pollock, ez deeply ez he hez wronged me, ez much ez I loath, bate and despise him, he sliel hey fair pHay in a court uv juatis. Even Shood he beat me and crush me neath his iivm heel, I insist that lie she! hev his rites. But the Square hed better sware mine first." And ez they genaraUy don't like trouble with Bigler, the Square, pale ez a gost, for he didn't know wait wuz oomin, swore the pile. 98 The Nasby Letters. "Now," Bed Bigler, "Oeeser Pogram, stand up. Ceeiser, do yoo know thf EiEjeher uv an t all who can't sh'ow mixt blood. Their evidence must be taken, for to doubt the word uv the 8003 and dai'glitiens uv slch men wood be tho hedgrhtlh uv prestimpshen, and an insult wiieih they wood be justifieil in resentin." "Certinly," sed Bigler, "and let's giit at it. Bonaparte Pogram, stand up." "Hold!" shriekt the Deekin, observin that Mrs. Pogram bed just stept into the i-oom; "how much is at ishoa in .this yer soot?" "Ninety-one cents, and the costs that hev acroiod," sed Pollock. "I'll pay it," remarkt the Deekin, neivously, "rather than hev this faroe go cm. -Don't call no more uv em — don't. Hero's the mouey." "It can't be," sed Bigler; "I'm bound to onisih tiat Pollock." "Don't peireeed — don't," yelled Pant, AfcPeltftr. and every other wliSte man in the room, ez they notdst their wives droppin in one by one, "it's reellj too small a matter — -reelly it is." "Well," s«d Bigler, "ez there appears to be sdcJh a yooncvnimuis desire therefor, I hev no oibjecksheoi, on them terms, to forgive Pollock;" and th< cusses embraced in oipen court, while the Deekin, McPelter, and the rest uv en wuz a payin ithe niggers tlhedr witness A es. Ez they wuz ai lea-vin the Court Boom, Bigler sung out: "Deekin, ef yoo send on that petishen to Frankfort, I sihel send on a, pro test, pfpjvin tluat evry one uv the niggers who bear yoor name hev a nateia I The Nasbt Letters. 99 'I rite tio It. Ivet Jt alone, Deekin. Ef the niggeiis kin stand flie name, yao ought "not to object." ' And he and Pollock noMed off togetihcr, laffin fodferoiisly. It -wiiz a. plot atween em to annoy the Corners. Wood, O, wood that we cood be ddivered from ennl PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster.) THE CHICAGO CONVENTION", 1868. Post Offis, Oonfedrit X Roads, (widh is in the StAt uv Kentucky), May 28, 1868. I wiiz at Chicago wne day. My ears wuz stUTnied with 'rors for Gra/iit; the bands wuz aE playin Uhe Star Spangled Banner and sith, and even the I. street organ granders hcd attoomed theU' lyres to the same Ablisfhn melodies. "On my arrival I askt a Tiahas boy (\\1ich I knowd wuz Dlmekratic, fro^m the feiot that his little shirt wood hev hung out uv his little pajits ef . he'd hed any shirt), ef he oood tell me where the Ablishum Convention wuz a boldiu itself. I "CcitLuly I kin," sed he. "It's in that yer bdldin," ptntin to a ruther gorgus edifice with a steeple to it. I entered it, and wuz surprised at the fe7\"ness uv tihe deHegates on the floor, and at tber pecoolyer appearance. They didn't look like delegates to amy Convenshun I hed ever attendod. Thar noses wuzn't uv " the color I hed bin accustomed to. They wuz all sol- emn looking chaps, with gold spectacles, black coats, high foreheds, and white i neckerchers. j At this pint I turned to a inau sibtin beside me, and in an undertoiie askt wich wuz ahead ion the last ballot, Colfax or Wade? "Sir," sed he, "are yoo a Johiieon postmaster?" ,' "1 am," sed I, defiantly. "How didst docermiue that pint?" "By yoor hrea,th," sed he. "Yoor mistaken in the place, my friend. ■ Tbis is a Methodist Conference.'' That wicked and pervense boy had inltenslmelly deceeved me. liniible to l*tane ladmfescbn into the Opera House, I whiled awiay the rosy houra a visitin the delegashen rooms. The ingeany delegashen offered me water when I intimated I wuz athirst. The Ohio delegashen knew me on site and rekested me to dust, and the Calif crny delegvishen, uv wich I hed expected better things, hed the impudence to offer me wine! Wine! Wine! to feed sich a noi3.3 ez I carry about. AVine to satisfy the cnavios uv sioh a stumick ez mine! Faugh! Disgusted at the thinness uv the beverages, I retired into a friendly hostelry kept by Dennis O'Shaughiiessey, and at his hospitable bar solaced myself with three fingers uv Kentucky sustenance. There wuz no "enthoosia.sim among the citizens uv Chicago wich I naterally fell among. The saloon keepers, wich in iiemembrinoe uv the Demokratic con- veaShun uv 1864 had made extra preparashuns, wuz gloomy, sad, aud dis- appvere unfordhnilt, but I don't reproach em. It's fate. I hev refsoo to sigih. For Pollock will git tihe Post Ofiis after all. Tho hiz hands aa:e oonitamdnated by beta taken iulbo Vhe hands uv niggers— his hands wich handles kaliker and draws molasses, anid iz oousekently degraded by earn- in Ms own livia-7-Ms( hands will pass out to Deekin Pognaim the paper widh tihe Oomieis takes! The I>eekiii, ez he thot uv this, bust into teiars agin. "I sliel stop that paper," eez he, "and the Corners shel go back into the darkness uv lignoramce. I slheli meveir go agin for a letter, nor will I hev one wrftten for 102 ', , The Nasby Letters. me ixt anybody. "WTien a Abli^hn face is at tte. general flaliireiiT, I shel stop patemizen ttie Polst Offis!" Willi the new AidmdiiiiislfcraBlh.uri deprive a -whole oommiHiIty ut a paper mere- ly to gdvei oin© tit Slbs supporters a posishuii? We isihel see. Buit I oood emdwor the loss uv my posi&heiii; for piinidilple I oan l/ook mar- terdom sauareily in Jihe face; but I seo other and more terrible results fodJowin the caitestrophe. AVat UT the niggers? Wat ut us? We shel heT nigg^ir^ roitjiii at fihe 06i>- uers! We shel heT, at our poles, all ur th© black cusses who lire between hens fiad Garrettstoiwa, a Totin ez regler ez though they wuz wOiite men. We shel hev em defilta the sakred ballot-box ez tho they -wuz not ut a cussad race. I see dark lines afoire ooir poor State. They will hereafter hiold the land "wich they her bought, and -wi«h they live on, by a sure tetoure, and itihey -will increasa and multiply. Pollock -will buy tlier prodioo®, and they -will -work and git money. This money -tihey will lend to us— foir we must her it to sustain life — and they -will take rn'Oirtgages ■anibo our land. (When X say our, I mean Deekin Pogram and sioh.) Ez yf^e neT jr , -work ourselTes, and will not IheT, unr der tlie present amamgement, the means mx oompellin the labor necessary to OTir support, -VTe kin neveT pay; and the restdt -will be, this beautiful land ut ourn -wich -we so dieeply loTe, "wUl pass cout ut tlhe hands u-v* the stronger and better naoe into itlhe control ut a weaker and le;-3s powerful people. The Dee- kin wuz remian-kin suthin. to this effect, -when Joe Bigler remarkt in (reply, that the Deekin hed better throw hSm-self onto -the synipatihy ut his sons. "Why, they can't work any moa-e Ithan I kin," eed the Deekin. "I don't mean yoor white soms!" sed this terrfble Bigler. "They ain't uv no akkouot. But dn tlhe nigger settlement at Gairrettstiown yoo hev more than twenty who -wood — " The poor Deekin rushed, out ut the room, -while Bigler laft his most feend- ish laff. The people 'Will be depriTed ut thdr innocent amoosements. TWs G-rantwill send om armed Ihirelins, doithed du opus bloo, with muskets and sddh, who will prevent our ^ootin niggers, and who wMl protect on thef f!arms and in ther hiouises the ojus Northerners -who hev settled in our mddst. We shel see the glo- rious Sooitlheni system decline Btidily and shoorly. The . -whipping posts will rot and the stox -will decay ; the yelp ut dorgs -will njo more be heerd, and the cheer- ful crack ut the jiistol and the ahreek uv the man -wat has got his grud -wUl no more be heerd in the land. Bascom, after he hez the few farms still un- moirtgaged in the viidnity, -will doss, and go to Ijooisrille, and embark into the -wlhoiles'ile gnoeery trade and jine the church, and give librerly to Sunday skodls; his grosery will fail into decay, 'and the sane will hanjjj by one hinge. We shel see churdhes and skool hooises, f.ictrys and villages eTerywhere. The Pogram place ut 2,000 akerti will be divided up into twenty farms, and onto them will be the bustlin Noo Yorker, the cool, calcuSatdng Yankee, the istLddy, hard-workin German, who will display his groveiin nacher by -workin himself instid uv Ifopdn niggei's to do dt for him. We sliel be run over with skool- marms, dehvged -with academies, plastered orer with newspapers, stunned with machinery, drove crazy by the whirr, crash and dash of mowin machines and reapers. And there -will be cheese miado at the Ooa-ners. Pemiibacker's distillery wiM be turned into a ohtese factry, and weak wli.3y will run wher now the generous high -wines flash along the troughs. Ther -wtU be no recti- fyin at ithe Oomers; the hog pens will be abolisihed, and in ther sted -will be skool houses. And mothinks I .see in my mind's, eye, Hoa-asho, the speerit, the ghost UT the departed Pogram (for he won't survlive it long), ^ hoverfn over The Nasby Letters. 103 the scene, ez Hamiick's father did. The blessed sHiade will look in vane for his house — on the spot when it sitoiod will 'ho an academy. He will turn to Bas- com's, but tlher he will find a dee-strict skule. "To Pennitaoker's !" be will gasp, iu a speerit whisper, and with a speritooal" sinaok uv Hs speeiiltooal lips he will hover over it, htit tlie smell uv cheese in the place uv the strengthendii odors in widi he delites, will send a speritooal shudder tliro bim. A ghast uv a tear will run down bis speeritooal nose, Jiuger for a mindt at the tip, like a dew drop on the rose and fall! Then will the dissatisfied ghost demand to be token back' %o purgatory, a place less tryiu to bis nerves. All is up with me and us. I shel stjy in Kentucky for the present, tho wat may become uv me the Lord only knows PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M. (wich is Postmaster.) ME. NASBY LOSES HIS POSTOPFICE. On a Farm, Three Miles from Conifednit X Roadisv (wieb is iu the Stait uv Kentucky), June 29, 18G9. The die is cast! The guiUoteen bez fallen! I am no longer Postmaster ait OomfedTit X Roads, wixsh is iu the State uv Kentucky. The place wicb knowd me wunst will know me no nvyre forevei'; the ipaper iwidh DeekitQ Pogram takes will be handed out by a nigger; a nigger will bev the opcmin uv letters addressed to parties residiu hereabouts, oontainin remittariices; a nigger will bev the liflin uv letters addrest to lottry managers, and extractin the sweejis there- from; a nagger will be — But I can't dwell upon the disgustin theme mo loager. I bed bin in Wasbingibon two weeks assistin the Oaucasbeins uv thajt city to put their foot upion the beads uv the cusedd niggers wbo ain't content to ac- cept the sdtuasheu and remain ez they alluz hev bin, inforloir beins. To say I bed succeeded, is a week expresheii. I orgianized a raid onto em so effectooally ez td drive no less than thirty uv em out - uv employment, twenty -seven uv wich wuz oompeUed to steel their bread, wich give us a splendid opportoonity to show up the naterall cuesidness uv the Afrikin race, wioh we improved. On my irrival at the" Comers, I knew to wuiist that suthin wuz wrong. The bottles behind the bar wuz draped in black; (She biairrels {vniz jfestooned gloomily (wicih is our yoosual method of expresan grc-ef at pubMc calamities), and the premises generaJliy wore a funeral aspeck. "Wat is it?" gasped L Bascom returned not a word, but waved his band towards the Post Offis. Ruthin thither, I bustid open the door, and reeled almost agin the wall. At the general delivery wuz the grinnin face uv a nigger! and settin in "my chair wuz Joe Bigler, with Pollock beside him, smokin pipes and latfin over suthin in a noosepaper. Bigler caught site -uv me, and dartin onit, pulled me inside them bitiherto sacred ppacinks. "Permit me," sed be, jeerinly, "to interdoose you to yoor soijceessor, Mr. Gee- zer Lubby." "My successor! Wat does this mean?" "Show bim, Ceeser!" And the nigger, every tooth in bis bead siHuJn, banded me a oommishn dooly made out, and signed. I saw it aU at a glance. I bed left my bdznis in the (hands uv a depetty. It lairived the day after I left, and Isaker Gavitt, 104 The Nasby Letters. "» ■wiio <3istTfbbi!te(l t!h© mail, gave it to the cnss. PoUock made out IJie bonds and went oato em himself, and' in ten d.iys the commjsto eome all regler, wtere- \ poo Bigleo- baekt the rngger and took foi-oeable possessJon iiv the office. While I wnz absent tjhey hed hed a pei-oessdon in horuor UT tlhe joyfnl event, sed per- ceslhia consistim nv (Pollock, Bigler, and the mew PoBtmoiasteT, who marched throngih the streetis 'wiHh the stars and stripes, ibannsrs and sifch. Blffler re- roaTbt taia,t the percesaiion wnzn't large, bult it wtjz talcnited, emSnieinitJy respec- table, and extremely versateel. He (BLgl«r) caa-ried ibe flag, ajid played tbe fife; PoUook oanied a baamer ■with an inscripehen lom it, "Sound the loud •tinibrel o'er Egypt's dark sea," and played the bass drum; wlhate tihe nigger bcre aloift a bonneir ikisoribed, "Where Airio's snimy foumtins roll down the golden sands," -wljtih his oommassion pinned omto ilt, playin in addisiheu a paii \ir ansihemt cymibaJs. Bigler pemajkt furtOieir that tfbe perceshim, created a poisataTe sensashnn ait the Comers, -wicoh I shaod think dit ■wood. "It -vruzn't," sed the tormenitiin cuss, "very much Ike the gnamd i>ercesa.oai -wich took place when yoo recedved yoor oommisshn. Then the whites at the OomneiB wuz da- ted, for they speetidi to git wat yoo owed em in dioio time, ajid the niggers wuz correspondiiily deprest. They ebmV imto Iby-waya ajnd side-ways; they, didn't bold up theiir heads, and they dusted ooit ez fast ez they cood git. At thia percession thesr wuz a change. The niggeirs lined the streets ez we passed, grimniai eiultinly, and the whites wuz deip-rest oorrespCKudinly. It's singler that ait the Ooirneis 'the twio laces can't feel good both at the «ame time." My airiral he^n beoomo known, by the 'lime I got baick to Baaoom's all my friends hed gatbetred there. There wuzn't a dry eye aimoing em; and ez I that uv the joys omce tastid, but now for.n-er fled, mine moistemed likewise. There Tvua a yisLble change in' their maimer towards me. They regarded me frith sofeitood, but I oood discern that the solisitocd wuz not so much f«l mo ez for tihemiselyieB. "What i^el I doV" I astt. "Suthin must be devised, for I can't Staxre." "Pay me wat yoo owe me!" ejakelaitlil Basoom. "Pay me wat yoo owe me!" ejakela'tid DeeMu Pogram, and the samoe re- ma'ik wuz mitde hy aU ut emi with wonderful yoomnmiimnlty. Waiterer diffeiv eai'Ces uv opinyum ither mite be on other topics, on this they wuz all agreed. "Grentlemen!" I oomimenopcl, backing ilnilio a looamieir, 'Ills this genenous? Is this the treatmeot I heir a right to expect? Is this — " X 'shood her gome 'oa at (length, but jiet alt this mininit PoEock, Joe Bigler, . and the new Postmiaster entered. "I hev ibizniis!" sed th© Postmaster; "molt agreeable Mznl's, but it's my of- fishel dooity to perfomi it." At the word "offiahel" coonin from hil3 lipis, II gwjamed, wich wuz ek- koed by those present. "I hev in my hand," continyood he, "de bond gdben by imiy predecessoir, cnto wich is H« naimes uv Greorge W. Biscom, Elkanah Pogram, Hugh McPel- ter, and Seth Penmibacker, ez sureties. In dis oder hand I hold a skedool db de pnoperty belongin to( de 'pairtment wich vniz turned aber to 'him by his pre- decessor, ooraisistin lof table, chairs, boxes, locks, bags, et settry, ^^'id sundry dollars woirf of stamps, paper, tbwine, &c. None ob dis 'Offis prop'jirty, turned obeir to my predecessor 'by his, predecessor, is to be found in de offis, and' de objick ob dis viisit is to niotify yoo dat onless immeait paymieet Ibe made uv the amotmt ithereof, I am directed by de 'partmenit to bring soot to-wnust against the eed sureties." i Neiveir beifoire did I so appreciate A. Johnison, and Us Fiolstmaisteir Creberal Thb Nasbt Letters. 105 EauiMl. TTnlder tSieir adumiistnisheiii wat BoBtmasteir wuz orer pulled up for stteelin anyifihin? Eko ainsars. This -wuz the featlher that broke Hie camel's Inck. "Wat!" «xcM>nied Bascom, "ahel I lose -wat yoio owe me, and then |pay for 'wat yao've stole?" "Shel I lose fflie uwrney," sed Pogram, "widh I lent yoo, stud in addishen pay a Ablishen government foir property yoo've oomfiscaJted?" "But the property is here," I remiairiLt to Bascoin; "yooVe gat it all. Why DO* return it, Bind save all this ti'ouble?" "Wat -wioocl I Ihev then for the whiskey yioio've oonsooimeid ?" (he egakelated TliBbusly. "It's aH I've ever got from yoo; land I've been keepin yoo fixr four years." "Didn't that property pay yoo for the likker?" I asked; bijt Basoom wuz ia no humior for figgens, and he pitcheld into me, at widh pJeasant pastime they aM foUered sooit. But for Jos Bigler, they wood Ihev kUled me. Ez it wnz, they blackt botih my eyes, and rolled me out onto the sEQewolk, shuttin the dooir agin me. Ez I heard that door slam to, I felt thalt aJl wuz lost. No offis! no money! amid Bascom's closed ag'in me! Kin ther he a Ihsurder fate? I passed the ndte with a farmer, three miDes out, who, beta sick, hedn't bSm to the Oomers, amd ctmsekeotly knioiwd uuJtlhin uv the dbanges. I heerd the moxt day the result uT the rucki^un. Bascom returned sich uV the property ez hedn't been sold and oomsoomed, widh ooiiBiisted uv the boxes. The chairs hed bin broken up in the frekent sMnidiea iwldh oocur at this Dlace; ithe kneks !hed bin sold to farmers who yoozed em on their smoke houses; the bags hed bin sold for wheat, and so on. The stamps, papei', twine, and sidh, figgered up three hundred and forty-six dollars, widh wuz thi'ee hun- dred imore doUaiis than there wuz in the Ckxmeoss. Basoom advanced the* fonty-isttx dollars, amd the three hundred wuz borrered uv a banker alt Seoessilonville, who took mjortgiages on the faums uv the imprudenit bandsmen for sefcooiity. Uv course I can't go back to the Cor- ners under eggsistln trircumstances. It wood be unoomfortaHe for me to live there ez matters terminated. I shel miake my way to WasMmton, and shel see if I can't 'giit myself elertid ez Manager oi a Labor Associiatiion, and so make a livin tUl there oomos a change in the Admdmetraslhen. I wood fasten myself on A. Jotosom, but unfordhnitly there ain't eniiff in him to tie to. I wood ea soon think uv tyin myself to a oar wiheei in a storm at sea. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (widh was Post Master.) I,-- /i / "CUSSID BE CAMAN!" A LECTUKE DELIVERED AT MUSIC HALL, BOSTON, DECEMBER 22, 1867, \ W* are aM desoe-nded from graadfaiaiers. Nearly a centuir ago the gtand- faitlheTB of some of lOB, iu oonvenitioia assemibled, uttered as doctrkiio, whidi they beSaoved ooald not bo gainsaid, these words: "W« hold idhese tnitUs to be Belf-eTidemt, tlhait all men are created equal; that tibey are endowed by their Orea/lwr -wfrtih cerfcaMi maUeaaiAe rights; that among liiese are life, liberty, and the piipsuit of IiiappdineBS." Tbomais JefEerson -wan tihe pantjcular grandfather -who -wwyt© these Mgh- eoomidkig -wiOTdis, amd, as a comscquenjoe, be has been ever since hailed as the father of itihe onlly politioal i>artjy wtdch never beEeTed in tfliem. My particular misisioirv is to Ao-w tihajt Jefferson was a nuoet s(baJilow person, wM'Ch opinaoo of Jeffeirsoia is very general in, the South. True, tlhe Demucmcy claim him as its faifih«r; but wihemi we remember that the same party claim Jackso'H, the stran- gler of seceasfon, as anotlier faiffiier, we can easily see Ihow thoit can be. We have claimed these imen as ajicestoi-s only sdraoe they departed tlhis bio. Sbould fhoy rise frnxm the dead, and be blessed witfU a view of tlhear reputed sons, par- ticulariy the branch of the fermily that has to.kea up Ste iresideace im the. city of New York, they wxjiuld, I doubt not, bold up their hands Sin borroir, and exclaim, "It's a wise faUher who knows his own obild." It was weJl eniough foe Jeffersooi to assert the equality of men before there wias prjfit in inequality ; but had he boen really a pnoiphet, he would have done no ®uch thing. In his day Slavery was iinpriofitaible, amd, oonsequeintly, not the hioly ■thing' Sit has beeB since. The slaves were .burdens imstead of aids, for the planters were oompelled to provide for them. The hogs ate th© oom, and the negroes ate *he hogs, leaving the poor owners only what they left. But happily tliere caJms a ohajige. An ingenious Yankee invented th« oattou gin, slave labor became valuable, and, presto! tho dootirtne of the equality lof mem was conagned to the Mnaibo for worn-out and useless mbbSeh, amd Jeffersooi went out of fai^ion. HaJd he been really desirous of beang held up ais the prophet of the people who ajPteirwards daimed him as such, we should not have had the forcible sentenoos I have read. He would ha;ve diluted them into somethimg lake tUs: "We boBid these supposed truths to be tolerably self-evident, that, as a rule, all white mjen aa-e created equal; that they are endowed by their Oeator With diveiB amd sundry rights, which may be ooBisidired iimailiesiaible; that amiang these are life, lilbepty, and the pursuit of — -^ pig^eps!" 106 ,"-.., The ifASBY Letters, " - ' 107 It Tvill ba oibseirTed. fhat the two DeclanaibicMnis differ soime-wlhait. One is as Jefferson ■wrote it, and the other is the veiHlon we use at Ooofedrit X Boads. Jeffersom 'wa& ait faulti iu M'S lack of appi'ecrattioai, and. strange omiiesiiom of •Uhe -vroTd 'Svlbdte." The same omission is painfuliy oibservahle in all the litera^ ture of the 'woiid. I have searched faithfully the realms of poetry and hiisLoiry, and am compelled to acknowledge that no where outside of the Oonstlitu'tiouis of ecrbjin States 4s tlhe word "white" made a necessairy prefix to the word "man." And against Ihis I protost. literature should conform to law, and to the gieat Caucasian idjeo. The tei-m emplojed to dcEtgnaite respoosCible beings in the Ckmsti'tultioos of our States being "-vvihite male," I insiBt that we go through all our books, and substitute "wtrite male" for "man" wherever tihe word occurs. 'HiujS we ^hall make Sir Walter Scott say: "Breaithes there a white m ale, with soul so dead." Addison shaU say, in Oato: i When vice prevails, and^ imp ions white males bear sway, The post of honor Is the private station." ^ i ■ I) In Macbeth, tihe muiiderers shall say: ^ "We are all white males, my liege." 'it ' Anid Macbeth shall answer: "Aye, In the catalogue ye go for white males." And Othello, before the Senators: "She swore, 1' faith, 'twas strange— 'twas passing strange;- 'Twas pitiful; 'twas wondrous pitiful. She wished she had not heard it, yet she wished That Heaven had made her suoh a white male." But in tihe Bible tihe improvement would sMne out in a clearer and stronger light. In our Caucasiaji — our white men's Bibles— we shall have such words as these: 1 Samuel 13:14— "A white male after his own heart." 2 Samut-i 12:7— "And Nathan said unto David, Thou art the white male." Psalms 37:37— ' "Mark the perfect white male, and behold the upright; for the end of that white male is peace." ••Thou Shalt love the Lord thy God, and thy white male fellow-citizen as thy- self." Atfd in tihe mouth of onr Saviour we shall put tihese words: "Suffer little white children to come unto me, and forbid them not, for of such Is the kingdom of heaven." This passage would be ecpecially grateful to us of Keaitoeky, sh owing as it •would that the distinctiou between the races would be kepiU up through all eter- nity. But, unfortunately, tihe Books do not so read. The American people, when dave labor became of value, forsook Jeffers>n, put the word "white" In- to ttieir laws, and painted the word "nigger" on their baniners, wMcih word has been a poliMoal Shibboleth ever since. It is itihis Nigger which we shall investi- gate to-night. I am t!he more annons that tihe people shall understand the na- 108 .^ , _ The Nasby Letters. - .^ ture otf tihis being, and tihe absurdity of tlie attemjut to derate Mm to maniood, for a.© reoisoia tlhat an effoa-t to that enid fe now being made. The jnaane ngi- tatons, who dif-ny itlhe truth of Keiatudcy theoiogy, are resiating us in our efforts to put Mm itt his did place. In the face of oair deisires, they insdst upon deliig- iiijg tho country with Massachusetts, and nrnking of the Soiut(h a second Neiw Eng- lanid — feiotories, farms, churches, sch'ool-hcuses amd aill. Upcm the 957tih page of the Dictioapry you will find the word "negro" de fined as follows: "On© of the black, woolly-headed, thick-lipped, flat-Eosed race of men iuhabdting Africa." The Negro of the Dictionary is not the iudiyidual of which I shaill speak. The Negro I kiiow nothing about; the Nigger I have spent much itiane in jmyeStngating, and flalter myself I understand it thoroughly. I say it of the Nigger, and him of the Negrj, for there ils a wtde difference between them. The Negro is a man, bciii !n Africa, oop diascended from natives of that country; (fflie Nigger is an idea, which exists only in the imagiiiiatiom of peasonis o(E the haughty Caucasian race readenit in the United States. It is am idea, which swiayis men, and influences tbtHr actSon, withoult haring being; a ■myth, which influiemces the world, without poss33eing| foran Oit shape. It is po- sessed of majuy attributes, is many-sidfd, miany-vshiped, Yiaetly endowed, and fear- fully and wondeDfuiay made. To dear up as I go, I may as weil specify same of the peculiairities of ih© Nigye :. Foa* instance, it is firmly believed tha/t he oouid never provide! for himself ; but those eio oontending, also" declare that 'the weaith! lof the country is dependent upon him, and that wfithoiit him VTOsds wvjoiM gpow, in the istreets of our cities. It was asserted that he would Diot^ labor; et the same men undertook the lai"ge job of conquering the North, that they might oontinue to enjoy the fruits of his lliallx«r. He was said to be so stupid OS to be incapable of receiving even the rudim'ents of an education, and yet we found St necessary, in our States, to pass staingent laws, with fear- ful penalties aitaxied, to prevent him from doing it! It was held by elo- quent speakers that he wionld invade the Noa'th, and, es he was too indolent to work, he would fill onr almsbousos and jails; and the same speakers would ossert a moment later, with equal eloquence, that accustomed as toe always had been t^ labor, he would work for loss pay tlian white men, and throw them all out of employment. This last assertion, I have notieed, was always made by gentlemen in the vicinity oif bar-rooms, ■whose nose were solferinorihued,' v.-hoBo hats were crownlass, and vphose wives, for amusement probaibly, took in washing to feed the children. , It is aa unfortunate fact for us, that men who labor in earnest have never been afraid of the competition of the Nigger. L/ower down in the scale of creation than the baboon, they were fearful he would, if not restrained by law, teiaeh their schools, sit as judges, and be elected to Comgiress; so repuSsive 8n appearance had they painted ^irm, with his thick lips, black face, and kinky hair, that the vei'y thought of one -wonld moke a white dam'sel shuddes-; nevertheless tliey demanded 'the enaotmient of laws in States where women may choose their husbands unreBtnained, to prevent these same iwhfits diamsels cfroim marrying them. Inameasuralbly beneath them in every pai#eular, they felt called upon to perpotuaUy cry, "Protect us from nigger equality !"^and so 'on. Jefferson's Jliajuit was the result of a lack of knocwleldge. He knew all about the Negro, but tnioitMng about the Nigarcir, and it was well for him, therefoi'e, that he lived in the year of onr 'Lord 1776. Had bfi lived ninety yeara later, and enuncijated the same doclriue, we should have-shoit him, as we did L/ovejoy. . WKsre he olive niow, he oould mot have been elected to Oomgress an the disbriict represented by the Hon. John Murrisey! No, indeed! The gentlemen who 'left their naltive soSl beoaUee of the scfi'raty of this equality (and of p'otatoes), ; The Nasby Letters. 109 Hie men who would hare been oarpet-b^-^ens but for the lack o* oarpet-bags— Uio'se who have kindly taken ohiai'ge ol! \!he polMcs oil: sereral of the Atjimtio eities-^these mott ai« iBhe sharp sticklers that tbe dSstindions between aiwi aiiJ man which IdroTe them fram the land of tJieitr birth be kept up heir©. Their nidtito is, "One mtm is as good as another;" but wdieu their eyes Kwt upon a blacik man, tlhey very properfy add, "and better too!" This doiss Ibave cnlti- ■vated such a deliglhtful haitred of the Nigger tJiat tihey -wiaii't even drink -svjbh jone, unles.3, indeed, tihe Nigger pays for 'tlha flaiids. TWs makes some differ- ence. And that tlhis 'distinctioin may be kept up, we have intSirpolaited into Jefferson's Declaiatioin tihe word "white," amd assert, veHxemently, that both Scripturo fljnd science, of -whidh. we know mudh, justify the i'nterpototioin. In Kentucky, we dom't take the Declaration of Ind'Spendenee as iwe dio our whis- key, stpaiglit, but we sweeten It to our taste. We have all tihe passages of Scrip- ture r^atiug to ilt at lour itongues' end. At the Gopcei's, you can hear at any time those whose appearam.ce ihardly denotes eruditiom, whose noses blossom as the Idbeter, whoeo toir aesetts impatience of restraint by obtruding itself HhMfugh tihe comers of Ubedr hats, wihose toes mamifest tihemselves through tlwdr ventilated sboes, amd to wtose perpendaculaility posts 'are necessary, ex- daiimi, miictulouislly, "And Noer planted la vkieiyaid, and dramk of the wine, and was drunken. Ouseeid be Oamaan." Having dwelt as long as is ppofitablo upon the attyibuteB of this interest- ing being, I pass to an examfina'tian of his origin. It is found in the 9th chap- ter of GrenefflB. Uhe world, sunk imi wickedness, T\Tas destroyed by a flood. But it was not the design of the Almighty to extferminaite the race. I will mot stop here to ai^ue whetiheir dit would ihave been better to have made clean work of it or not. I was ia Neiw York, a few weeks ago, and thought, perhaps, it jwould. Be that as it may, one famUy he preserved in the ark, amd when the tempests that had wrought His judgments had subsided, and tihe purified earth was again fit for Uhe occupancy of tnaji, this famMy Jleft their floating home, and went out upon its face. The Book gives a sQiioit, though satisfaotoiy ac- eoiint of wh.at foUowed. Noah, sax humJi'cd years oHd at tihe time, having seeto Bothing but water fop naarly twelve months, wanted a dhange. He planted a fineyard, pressed the grapes, drank the wine Cherefnxm, and iTvas drunken; trhidh was a very ludiscreet performance for one at his age. Had he been a mere imfaint of one lor two hundred years, it wouldn't have been so singular, but a mature man of ^x hundred ought to have known better. It has always been a mystery at the Ooraers how Noah could become inebriated 'on so thin \t drink as new wine.' Deacon {Pogram remarked that Nooih wuzn't a seas- oned vessel. In that oondition he lay down in his tent with insufiicient cloth- ling upon him. As St was in tihe beginning, sio it is n.ow, and ever shiaJl be. To ithfis day ithe man whio drinks will soontr or lator get down with too little cloth- ing upon him. HJam, his youngest sou, saw. him, and laughingly told his brethren. Shem and Japheth reproved Ham for his levity, and took tibedr gar- iimenta upon their sboiUders, and going backward, laid them upon him. ' When Noah awoke, he knew what Ham had done, and he cursed Ihim in these woirds: "Curaed be Canaan; a servant of servants dhall he be tuito liis brethren." Upon this cme act of our common fatbw hung momentous results. That lOne 'diaughU of wine set in motion a successaion of events that affected the fate iof the greatest najtian of the world, in all oonoeivaiblle ways, from the elec- [tiioin of constables to the fighting of great battles. For in that cup of wine jwas Demociacy— then and there it was bom, and that cup of wine gave that paplgf its Nigger— ail Ithe capital it ever had. The temperance teU us that in 110 The Naebt LErrirss.~ every cup of wine there is a aeTil; in this eup yon ■will acknowledge there was a large and partoculariy lively one. The drinking of this wine, and the drunkenness that fit produced upon the inexperienced Noaih, was the cause of a divisioa oif the buman race into two classes— \yhite men and niggers. Under the head of white men, we class the red man of Amertca, witlh Ms aquiline mose, coppery oosnplexlon, and straight hair; the Moagoiiaai, with his olive-oolared skiio, black Ihair, and flat nose; the Caucasian, with his tair coan,pleiion, hair of afll oolars, and features of all shapes; the Celt, with his variaible features; and — ^Demo.;raitst A Democrat is counted a. white man, no matter what hia complexion may be; no matter what the color ofl his h«iir — or nose. All the rest of the human famdiy — and Radicals — we bet doivn as Niggei-s. To the white race we ascribe all the glory of the South- to the others nothing. This elevation of the white race, and consequent degredation of the black, is justified by the few of us who read the Bible, by the sin of Ham ; though, by the way, we ta-ve nothing to say in pai-ticular of the sdn of Noah, which pre- ceded and led to it, Noah's siu being one that we are oompeilied, for obvious reasons, to look upon with much leniency. To be frank, I have never believed thait poor Ham was fairly dealt with. I have always pitied Ham. He was, doubtless, a great, goiod-nalnired fel- low, with a keen appreciation of the ludicrous, and was vastly amused at the ccndiition of bis are. Drunkenness was not so commom in that day as to ex- cite disgust; and as he saw the old navigator on his bax:k, his face twisted with inebriety, his snores waking the ediocs, aud the walls of his tent swaying from his hard breathing, he doubtless thought he had, as the slang-users of this day would say, "a good thing on the old man." But if it was a laughing matter with the foolish Haim, it was not so with the shrewd Shem and Japheth. They pierced the future. To get into the good graces of thrir father, they turned their backs upoa his sin aud folly (as we do nowadays upon the sin and folly of those from whom we want favors), and, precisely as we do,, cast over his sin their garments. The only parallel to this we have in modem times occurred In Washington a few years ago. An- drew Johnson was very mruch in the condition of Noah upon one menforab'.e 22d of February, and a small army of p atriotis, who had ossessorshClps, post offices, and collectorships in their eyes, made haste to cast their garments over him. But they did not sueceeed in coverirfg him. Noah awoke, and in the ill- humor which always follows excess, cursed poor. Ham, and oondamned liis son Canaan to be the servants of his uncles forever. This was the begimiiug of Democracy. Drunkenness brought exposure, exposure sihame, shame a curse, ai,d thus cursed. Ham went out a Nigger. Drunkenness made Nigger, Nigger made Democracy, and the two have been running the machine ever since. We have now plainly before us the origin of the Nigger, aud have, there- fore, a staiiting point for our investigations. Here were three brothers, Shem, Ham and Japheth, with a cui-se upon Ham, condd-nning his children to serve the others. We, the whites, claim to be the descendants of the other two, and con- sequently assert the right to own and work the children of our unfortunate urole. The claim is a comfoi-table one. . I^abor is something all men dread; and if ilt can be positively fixed that Noah did curse Ham, and that he spoke by authority, and that the negro is really the descendant of Ham, and we are the descendants of Japheth, we have really a. good thing of Lt. We of Kentucky have always desired to fulfil the great law of labor, as our particular friends at the NortSi served in the army — ^by substitute The Wasby Letters. Ill One cup of wiiie, and a curse after it, marie a diJferrace in the history of the world. How differently history ^TOuld have been written had Noah started a tem- pe.Kuice stjciety at tlhe begiuniug, or had the JIaiiie liciuor law been in operation in tbit eountiy. Or had he taken up any other branch of agriculture! Had he planted com instead of grapes, or gi>ne into sheep oa- ponlti-y; had a frost bliglited his grapes, or a raildewi struck them, or had the sct?w of his press broken; liad any one of these thingii happened, he \^-ould not have become in- ebriated; Ham would noit have seen hiiu; there would have been no curse, no Nigger, no Democracy. For who can imagine a Democracy without a Nigger to 'bp kept in subjectioai! Or suppose that all of Hara's children had died of diphtheria! Had any one of these things happened, the whole course of po- litical ©vents would have been ehauged. We never shoaild have seen at politi- oaH meetings in the West, wagon-loads of ancient females, with bannere over their veoverahlo heads, and inscribed thereon this agonizingly touciung appeal: "Fatihers, protect us fi\wn negro eauality!" as though they were not old enorugfh, as a rule, to protect themselves. Or this heroic declaratiion: "White husbands or none!" which, taken in connection with their age and single con- ditt'om, would indicate tJha/t if they haij ever had offers they must have oome from black men. In tihe East, the gentlemen who sent the Hon. John Morrisey to Congress from New York, would have been spared the crimes of arson and munder, ftxr there would have been no nigger orphan asylums to awaken their righteous inddgnaition; no adult male niggers to hang to lamp posts. But as any one of thjse tlhingB would have changed the complexion of affaire, and pre- vented tihe unfortuniaite ctange in Harm's 'complexion, and as they did not happen, we are bound to admit that Providence intended the negro to be kept down, and in lihe eteimal fitness of things, arranged for an organization to keep him down. TMs oui-so is the great pirotal fact upon which American politics have turned for years. But we found many difficulties in it. The first difficulty jwhich occurred to me, is tihe fact that all of Ham's children did not suffer in oonsequemoe of their fSutiher's little indiscretion. It ought to have fallen upon. aU alike, but it diid not. Nimrod was a descendant of Ham, but he was not tha sei-vamt of anybody, very much. On tho coratrai-y, quite the reverse. He was a mighty hunter before tho Ixxrd; and mj'ghty hunters have never been servants. The mian strong enough to struggle with the lion and to overcome the tiger, and brave enough to dare the dangers of the chase for the fierce delights it affor^ls, is not #10 man to humbly hump his shoulders, and to a mere man say that most hatefid of all words, "Majster." Besides, Nimrod built cities and established Mngdoans, which is not) Ithe woric of servants. We are forced to the conclusion, Itherefore, that the curse held to GanaaTi only; that Nimrod's children mingled |wdth the SOU'S of Shem and Japheth, and that their descendants are to-day white men. This troubles us; for, counting it a truth, we were associivting with those having the blood of the cursed Haim in their reins ; and besides, if one of the de- jseendants of Ham escaped tlie curse, may not others get out from under it at the same pHajce? Again, if the Negroes of Africa, from which country we pro- cured the stock we are blessed with, are really the descendants of Canaan, the *on of Ham, the curse which Noah imposed upon them lost its .ndhesive power for many centuries. The brethren separated, and each went about his business. I hare spent sleepless nights upon, this questiion, but I must confess that I can find no proof that Canaan, or any of his descendants, were, until a compara- lirely recent date, the servants of anybody! Can it be that the curse was as teinpoiary in fits effects as the wine that produced it? Did it evaporate with 112 The Nasby Letters. the fumes thereof? Did it pass away witih Noah's headache t!he next morn- ing? Did A'oiah iiiaJke over to Shem and Japheth propenty for which he had no tftle? Unfortunately Sliem's descendants are said to have stayed in. Asia, Ham's ■went to Africa, and JaiVheth's peopled Europe. Here is the difficulty tihat besets me. How could Ham's descemdaiLts serve their brethren, they staying in Af- rica, -while the brethren were comfortablly established in Europe and Asia? It may be answered tihat they went after them; but, alas! they had no nejd of liat. The strong Shemitef found enough weak Shemites to enslave without go- ing after their cousdus, and the sa.me is true of- the Japhethites. The Tartara made servants of the Chinese, the Normons Off the Saxons, and the Roimarus had a oheBrful haMt of gobbling up all the weaker people vritHn their reach. Among these, I regret to say, wc^e the ancestors of those before me — ^your fa- there and mine. The curse was in in, existence, and had i>ower, but somehow it was demcrplizsd. When Noah fired if off it missed its aim. It scattered like a poor shot-gun, and hit where he did not intend it. For in all agas of the world slavea-y has existed. There never has been a time when strong men were not too lazy to work; never a time when there were not brutes and im- beciles— (the two daeses necessary to the system. The strong enslaved the weak without regard to Noah. They did it in a manly way, too. The enslavers, did not ask tlie person they wished to enslave for their family record; they did not attempt to oscertaini whether or not he was descended from Canaan. Not they. If they wanited a servant, they sought out a man weaker than they; they knocked liim down, in the old fashioned way, with a club; they beat til the original man was pretty m^uch pummelled out of him, and then, reduced to tise condition of a beast, he was the individual they desired. History is full of these instances, aindi Jefferson had this kind of history in his mind wheal he wrote the Dealaration; which would have been well enough had he put the wwrd "white" in its proper place, that there mig'ht be no doubt as to his meaning. As he left it, it applies to blajck as well as white, and strictly construed robs us of our Nigger. We could never find any testimony in the , Scriptures that the dusky sons of Afi-ica were the descendants of Canaan; and this is another difliculty. To be a sei-vant, as our people understand it, one ought to be an inferior; and we held tihat the negro was our inferior, and ought to be our servant, because of the curse. Behold the snag upon which our boat runs. Our conservative breth- ren oppose the coaiferring of any rights upon these people, because we dread the supi-emacy of the negro! That sweet boon to an oppressed people, Andrew Johnson, in his annual message, always devoted a chapter to the danger of this race taking possession of the government, and conducting it themselves; and I am not cei-tain but that I have seen the same fear expressed in the reports of Secretary Welles, as he said regularly whatever the President has said. Seward once dwelt upon it at length, but I do not like to quote him. The dis- tance from Abraham Lincoln to Andrew Johnson was so great, that the leap from the one to the other broke his moral back. He has never stood upright since. Thd friends of the race jeeringly say that if the negroes should take the government in their own hands, they hope they will conduct it to better ad- vantage than the late President has, for if they do not, it wouild prove to the sajtisfaction of everybody that the curse was a realily, and that they are not fit, as yet, to be intrusted with political rights. Now we have in the United States four millions of these people, all tol^, and thirty millions of whites. It is as certain as the multiplication table that if '.'.•v. \k '-The Nasby Letters. 113 laws are necessary *o prevent them frora goveniing us, they must lie the «u- pei-i'OT and we the inferior mce. If, in a dear field, the four millions can con- trol the thirty millioins, it must be certainly because of the supoiliority of the four imiilliotts. It troubles us to recou«ale this pet fear of ours with our claiims of superiority. I hare never been able from Uie Book, *o deternjine just how far that curse extended. Noah's words were, "Cursed be Canaan; a servant of servants shall be be unto bis brethren." I ask esped'al attention to the wording of this text, OS it afford^s a complete justification of tihe practice 'oif amaJg'amati'om, so comim'oin in the South undefP the old system. The Cauoanites were condemned, to be servamts unto thedr brethren. Not unto tihe stranger, but their brethren. How, except through this, let me ask, oouid the slaves of the South be brethren unto their masters? But we have full faith that the curse was in- tended to include not only Canaan, but bis desseodants. If it -was only tO' cover Canaan, and was to die with him, of what use woiiH it Ihave been to us? Had iit died with Canaan, we of Kentucky wa.ild have been doing ouj own work to-day, and wo might have put «u its tomibstone the epitaph wrLtteii for the kitten which died too young: i 5 "If I was so soon. to be done for, J What was I begun for?" It may be wejl here to consider briefly the question of color, which has worried and perplexed all of us. We are white, or oopper-oolored, and the ne- groes, su«h of them as stayed, at the) North ai-e bladi;. The question is, "Why black?" One theory is, that color is the result of dilmate, diet, habits of life, and other conditions, ■wliich, pei-severed in for many generations, wiiU change the Appearances of families of men. The people of my state know better. They ascr!i.be it to the curse of Noaih; that Ham, being the brother of Shem and Japh- eth, vas originally w4ite, even as they were, but that he went out from the pres- ence of his fa'tlier with this mark of displeasure, not only upon his face, but spread all over his body. The very name to us ie significant of color. The curse cOianged at onca his physical nature, and the change took placei suddenly. When Ham got to his room that morning, and gazed at himself in his mirror, he called, in astoni^ment, for Shem and Japheth, tliat he might be introduced to hiimse!lf. Noiah,wliGta he dhanged Ham's style and shape, had doubtless a glimpse of the future, and he made ot him precisely the kind of man that the future required.. As he was to be the menial of his brethren for all time, he oonsiderately gave him a eomplexion suited to his condition; one that would not show dirt. To! further fit him for the discharge of the duties that were to be his, his nose was flattened, thait it could never be turned up in scom at anything; his arms were elongated, hiis shoulders were broadened, his foreihead was driven back- •svtird, and his hair, long and straight like ours, was converted into wool, that he ^ould wtete no time in dressing it, and aJlso that we, his masters, might have a 'better hold for our fingers. These are the physical characteristics of the race in Ameiioa, and we affirm that the negro must and ought to be si slave, because the Almighty, working through Noah, made him exactly of the dhape and style necessary to that condition. . There may be a mistake here. It is possible, as I once/ heai^d a philosophi- cal svm of Ham -say, that those who hold these views have been all along mis- taking their own work for the Almighty's. He had the impudence to say that It was poesiblei tibat when the first negro was landed on our shores he was neither flat-noised, long-heeled, nor large-handed. He was, Ihorwever, foTthwith 114 The JNasby L/etters. set at work grubbing laefl in Virginia ; his nose was being continnaUy flattened by the fist bai-ism, as did o.ur African brotlMT. In Europe itihe JapbetiMtes built large oaistles, amd rode about upon horses, clflid absuixUy an cast irom, with inverted poits upooi their huads, IdHlng each other -with Ipom spears, and the Africans were doing tlie same tilings, on a smaller soale, -with spears pointed with fish-bones. Bvit the sons of Canaan had not as j-ct been inti-odueed to the curse, un- fortunaiteay. There were slaves in Afrioa, ibut they wea-e slaves not unto Japh- eth's children, but unto themselves, precisely o-s the cQnllldren of Shem and Japhefih ensJavcd mon of itheCr own raoe. AN'hen Caesar conquered a nation at -wm with Koime, he made slaves of his captives; and when Gumbo Quashee, piiince of Boirrioboola Gha, led his ho*ts of waiiioirs against a neighboring king, Oie dragged back captives in his tralin, who were at oaoe enslaved. If Guimibo meit defeat, the only difference was, he took his turn at the mill. The eusHaved have always been ithe vic^ms of a curse, noft of itihe drunken Koah, but of idhat imxre terrible euiise, weakness. There ts onioidheir ugly poinit in this matter at tihe curse that is hardly worth referring to, buit it may be as well. The fact is (and this hurts lis), the Airioans, tihe T\"O0tlly-headed, tihiok-lipped, dark^kiranjed Aftjicans, of whom we tave made slaves undea: the curse, are not the descendamits of Canaan, upon ■whom the curse fell, ait all. Unfortnmately for us, who have risked our all upon this, the Scriptures are explicit upon this point. Canaan begat Sidiom and Heth, and their descendants were the Jebusites, the Aroiorites.the Girgashites, and— sites, of other tiibes. The Book tells us pre- ifeely whore they are located. Too lazy and too shiftless to move any distance, they pre-empted the ground upon ^Thich Jerusalem stands, their territory including those New Yorks of the old world, Sodiom and Gomorrah. They were not nice people to have for next door neighbors. They had many disagreeable habits. They were a compound of Bmgham Young and KEdd the Pirate, and it is snpposed that SaTt Lake CSty and New York were modeled aftar theiir principal- towns as near ais may be. It will be remembered that these two ditieis, Sodom and Gomorrah, came to a sudden end. Noitwithstanding the love I bear the metropolis, because of its politics, the reading of the account of the destruction of these raties, and knowing what has been may, for the same cause, occur again, has deterred me from luTesting very largely in ireal estate in New York. Buit these Oanoaniteis did not go to Africa; they stayed in Asia; and as we have been enslaving only Africans, it is dear that there has been a mistake somiewhere, and that w© have been inno- cently enslaving the wrong race all this time. You all remnmber the venerable story of the tub. An old woman brought suit once upon a time for the value of a tub which she had loausd, and which had been returaed to her, piece by piece, the hoops having aCl dropped off. The dc'femce set up by the bor- rower was oomprehenslive. First, and to begin with, the defendant never bor- ro^'ed the tub. Secondly, she returned it with the hoops all oni it, and third- ly, the plainitifE never had a tub. It is about so with this pet curse of ours. It wasn't good for much at best, it didn't stick to the people at whom it was levelled, and the Afiicans, upon ■whose shoulders we have piled it, are not Oanaanites. Our ancestors did not believe tMs, howeiver. . They believed iu this curse, ■with the childlike simplic- ity of a paiwnbroikeir. It is very easy for us to believe in anything that holds 116 The Nasbt Letters. CTit pKHUJse of personal teneifit. Men whose Siffre for 'gain cannoit be satisfied wiliU six days of labor, very generally questdon the samctity of the Sabbath; and ■we all insist tlhat laws shall be made, to fit our desires, rather than to bring OUT desires to fit laws. These ancestors of ours -frere a giv .dy set They hun- gered afbor a life of no labor, and they believed, therefore, that the Lord directed Ocduroljus across the unibried -vrastes of -watea: Ijhat roiled between Spain and America sid they desire to entertain their friends soumptuiouisly ? Why ishould they not? There was no soi'did counting of eost, as St was fenther .Noirth; for were there not niggers to sweat? Virgjma hospitality wajs celebrated. Vermont hospitality might have been, had Vermont fostered this curse, and partaken of its benefits. It's easy enough to be hos- pitable ■with a hundred negrores, more or less, sweating for yon gratis. We did not invent reapers 'or sewing machines, for we didn't need them. Mesh and blood -was to be bought in any market, aiid it was cheaper -than iron and steel. We down South were 'happily circumstanced. We 'had black slaves at home to dio our labor, and whEite serfs up Nor'th, just as humble, to do our voting. Nature kindly furnished ua a race white enoiusjih to vote, and low enough to be o-wned. Interpreting the curse to include all Africa, our pious fathers set about The Nasbt Letters. 117 brifnging ais many of its imhaMtants as possJHe imlder itte oiperations. Tliey sent out missiOiniaTies, -wiliKMii a oensoa-ious world was Tvicked en.oug'h to stigmatize as pirates nrai sla-yieav!, clad iia red shirts, -witli pistol at belt and cutlass by side, beoiPdeid like pards, and full of strong oajths. These evangelizeirs, full of zeal and rum, sailed up tihe rirers of Afniica, and surprised villages of these ac- cursed people, MliDg the accairsed men and women too old to work, and the accursed ohildren too young to work, but seleobing out carefully fSie able-bodied ones of both sexes. Packing these in the holds of iHhedr ressels, like heiTings, they turned theSir prows hoaneward, thrawiiing 'oveirboard friom day to day, the bodies of those wlho bad so little regard for tlie curse 0(f Noah as to die on tlie way to tlhie fulfilment tOiereO'f. And so at last the curse was fulfilled. On the t^otton plamtatioffis, in the rice swamps, in the caaie and toibacoo fields, the sup- posed sons of Ham toiled cm, expiating the istupidity Of ttieir supposed father, who, a great many centuries before, hadn't any more sense than to look In upon hiis father wihen he was dnnk. But just as tihis coarvenieiit and comfortable curse got into good working or- der it was killed. Abraham Jjiniodln smote it under the fiftih rib, and it died the death. The nation, in deaidly peril, called upon our Mack cpusins to aid in its de- liverance, and it gave up the ghost. The sons of Ham, inferior as they were in all oUter respects, were discovered to ba able to pull a trigger or push a bayo- net with anybody, and to the astonishm anjt of tihose who stood before them, theiy had ilie will to do it. They dared to stand in battle array before the cMvalry of the Souitih. We very soon accounted for the daring. When Laaicoln prat the m^usket in the hamis of tbe Southern negroes, it was ' Greek against Greek, brother against brother. The blood of the old cavaliers, . which gave courage amd daring to the B^auregards, l.ees. Masons, and Hamp- tons, made cavaliers also of Scipio, Pompey, and Caeaw, their lialf-brothoa's; and why not? The Federals turned against the Oonfederates twenty thousand men having the best Mood of the South coursing through their veins, and inspiring them to high, chivalrous deeds. Then the struggle became literally f ratrioidtil. Aniother thing made these tellowB fight. They had treasured up that old saying of Jtffersi>n, and they rejoiced when tife firing upon Sumter gave them promise of the glad day when it «hoaild he a reality. Whein they were satisfied that the nation was really divorced from slavery, they flew to arms to prove themselves worthy of the future they hoped for. We must confess that they fought bravely and died grandly. The 'swart hero in ■'''le death-trap at Petersburg, on the plain at Port Hud- son, and in the enclosure at Fort Pillow, showed an example of heroism that any people might be proud of. The slave who remained on the plantatiion, who risked life to feed, nurse, and guide the flying fugitive from Andersonville, showed a devotion the like of which the (world never witnessed before. We of the South wea-e whipped, and by their aid. I dio not say that we would not have been beaten had they not thrown themselyes into the breach, but it was done the easier because of them. They stopped bullets at least. The bullet that 1-et out the life of the negro soldier at Nashville, might, had he not stood in its way, made life-long sadness in your home; and many a son of a Northern mioither who came home laurel- crowned, owes his life to the unknown black mian who lies In an unhonore4 ■ grave upon the fields from which he plucked honor. 118 The Nasbt Letters. The.se poor deluded Canaaiiites, as we sJiall term tlhem, believed that they had earned tiheir prcHmotiau to a higher rank, and really expeoted it. But we know better. J>o\vn in Kentucky we Iheld a eoaisultation on this very question. Thait blessed saint and keen obeerver o(f imem, DeaiMsi Pogram, re- marked sagely, "tihat men and women was ifche most ungTajteful members of the human family." Said he further on this head. The sense of gratitood the Fed- rals feel will IdSe out witlh the peals of tlifl bells whSdh celebrate the vietiyi the nigger allies helped do win. They endured tihe nigger because they need- ed him; but now, thank the Lord, tliey dom't need him no miiore, and, halleloogy ! he'll be the «ame cusised nigger he alluz wuz." I use the Deacon's exact words. He was right. The wholesome prejudice against color swallowed up grati- tude, and the pride of race swallowed justice. The negro stepped one foot_upon tlie threshold of the Temple of Liberty, but we rudely pu-sliod Ihim back. They wiamted noit only freedam, but the elective franctdjse, tiie ungrateful wretche* not beang satisfied with wh;tt we had given them. They had been proyided for generously. We of the Sooitih accepted the situa- tion, and acknowledged their freedom, but we felt that it viias neces.sary that they be regulated. And so we decreed that tihey shoiild not leave the plantatioM on which they weire employed without passes from their employers, under pea- aJity of being shot on sight. They Should have the right of suing any one — of thedr own eoloi^f they could giivd White bail for costs; rnd bore was a privilege— they were to havt *he untrestricted right oif being sued thj same as whiite men. They should not purchase oa- lease real eataito ousade of aiy incorpoTiated cdity Oir village; and aj large bciidi,os of them were considered dangerous, tihey should not purchase at lease real estate wi'thiu any incorpoi'ated city oir vililage. As we fi.wd thei» wages at four doWars per mouth, they boarding themselves, these laws relating to ithe purchase of real estate might seem iimnecossairy. But we wanted to be on the safe sSide. And we proposed to give them the ballot in time. Of other men we required no preparation, but wa felt it necessary of ithem. We only le- quired tiheira to pajss a creditable examination in Greek, Le weak in sO'me respects. The first objectioin that occurs to me to fflijis method of determimns a man's qualifioatianis for the exercise of the great privilege of a freeman. is the unceiifcainty of its application. We will suppose a white man to have arms, legs, and skull, of the average negro shape and meas- urement; do^ that unfit him for the ballot? Wo must admit this if these meas- urements are to be the test. Or, suppose, from inattention to peirsonal cleanli- ness, he shouldi carry with him an odor unpleasant to persons of refined sensi- bilties, woiuld that unfit him? The adoption of ithis rule would require boards of eleotiom to smell of each elector who offered a ballot; and that there might be undformiity in the matter, which is necessai-y Sn e republic, the gov- ernroenit would he fioipoed to establi-sh a. bureau of perfumeiry. Igiwrance we would urge as a discjualilication; but alas! we have a most excellent reason for sailing clear of that. A very large per cent of those who oppose giving the haUot to the negroes, because of their ignorance, put a cross to their names when they sign a, promissoi-y note, and aooomplish that simple feat with mmeh difficulty and runeing Out of tongue. Fielding, the great English novelist, gave a most amusing picture of a ter- ror occasioaed in a small English village on the coast, by a rumor that the FrenOh had landed at a time when the puglnacLoxus Gauls weire threatelning an invasion of that ooimtry. At the grated window of a debtor's prison appears 120 The Nasbv Letters. tihe face of a perscxa VIk) had hcen iacarcerated for many years for a debt -whioh lie ocmild neyeaj tooipe to pay, and wihiose imprisonmaiit ■weus therefore like to be perpetual. Witli an ©xpressiooi lof the most earaeist mdig'natioa upon bis faded face, be exclaiins, froan bebind tbe baxs, "Zoomds! sre itlbe French coming to depriTe us of our Mberties ?" Byen so. I must admit tbat the mjen who tremble the most for tibdr coun- try, -srbeiii tbey cointiemi:il!ite the ignorant negro possessing the ballot, are those TvbiO cannot read, and the patnioit Who sells Mb yote for a drink of rum, is the identieaa felliowt wbo talks tIhe loudest of tJio dajiger of giykig the ballot to a mass of people wihose votes caji be so easily influcmced. Seyeral oBher reasoiis prerented us from making all tihat we hoped for out of the ignorance of the negroes, parfcularly of tihe iSouth. Ddd we point to the ■i^orant field band, and ask tiiumpbantly if suoh as he was fit to vote? Forth- witih our opponenits held up, as on offset, line, degraded brutes odE our Northern citaes. Did we podmt to tbe ■vicious negroes? They eould and did poinit to the rougihs of New York, Philadelphia, and Baltimore. And tihey rather troubled us wflieai they asserted that the ballot ii< the hands of ignorant wMite men was jujst OS dangerous as in tihe hands of ignoreoit black men; tlhati the ballot, ignor- antly or vicaously cast, is wbati hurts us, mot the coJor of tlhe man wbio casts it. They asserteid that be who says "Stand off" to the colored man becaiuse he cannot read his ballot, ought to say "Stand ofE" to 'the white man equally ig- niorant. There is mo denying 'tihis. Wero intelligence made ithe test, it would eoaroely be worth while to open polls in half the distriots of New York city, and one fourth of our emtire strength would fade out like frost under a Miy Bun. Finally we adopted as ground upon whScih we could stand, tihe theory that tiheire wero many creations instead of one; Hhat Adam was mot the Simon pure, original man; that tihe nigger is a different bednig altogetHuer from us — a beast, a. sort of superior baboon ; and being a beast, tihat we haye tlhe rigW: to own and Work Mm, as we have tihe horse or ox. The position seemed to many of us impregnjajbile; but It didn't stand a mSnute. Miscegenation or amalgamatioil knioeked the suppotrt ouit from under us. Up stepped a pert abolitionist, and asked, "What wiU you do with the mulatto— he who is half man and half beast?" And here is a difficulty. If we count tlheim as beasts, we do tihe man that is in tihem ani injustiiee. If we count them as men, we profane manhood, by elevating wiitih it the lower creation. And when such aj lone dies, what then? Does tihe man Ihalf, for whom dhrist died, claiming its iniieritanee in hiis bl'ood, go into tihe next world on an equaJiity with us, dragging with it tlhe half tihiat is beast? Or should there be even so slight a preponderance of beast, does tihe hybrid topple over in a lop- sSded way into tihe limibo for departed anim'als, dragging with it the Ihalf that is man? If so, O, my ICeotuoky friends, how muidh of Kentucky soil and Kentucky spirSt is tihere in tihat Mmbo, held in solution by tlhe animal sur- roumdniDigs into wlhidh your gross sensuality has condemned it? That unmitigated wretch, Joe Bigler, it will be remembered, reproadhed that odd saint, Deaoon Pogram, for walloping oai© of these nearly iwhite negroes who had the Pogram nose. "Deacon," said he, "hiow kin yoo bear to thrash so nmch Pogi'am for the sake of walloping so little nigger?" Another objec- tion to this itheo{ry is the fact, that while treating tihem ajs beasits in the matter of Toting, we treat thsm very much like men in tihe majtter of tax-paying. I have known men who grew furious at the idea wf being jostled at the polls by a negro, do violence to the theory by standing side by siide, quietly and wditihout a mui-mur, with a very black one in the rush bo pay taxes at the trea»- The Nasby Letters. 121 urer's office! And dimng the late impl'-msaiitiMss, what men of all our people objeoted to taviiig the name of tlie blaokefst and most offensive megi-o Sn ttie towrasfliip or -wiard ■nriittesn just before Ms awn on tlie draft eaiTOlajient? That ■was -what hurt us, foa; during its com ta nuance we Jiearf niatbliing of ibhat haitred of race. The nigger of 1861, wbcn we didn't want Mm, soifteinied dawn wom- ftroiisly into the "odoired miau" im 1863, when we did'-nnajnt him. The negro's feoe, black as it was, looked well to our friends of tlhe Noirth under u blue oaip, and he was a Teiry Apollo) in their eyes ■when tihey ivanted _^ of the light in other respects. This is mot wiell, but it is some- th'iiiig. By tlliQS iiile the mule votes, mot the miam; and the late eilectloai in ithat state shows the mules to h£tve been lorgeily in the majoruity.' Until this piiiueiple is adopted our republic is no republic, tund our iboasted freedom is a hollow sham. We must have no more of tttus imequality. We must have all men before the loiw eqxial. We must mot leave #16 rights of a sdugle citizen in t-lie hands of timid legislatures, interested oligardhies, and ei- slaveholdera. The rights of the negro must be secuned by law, above the roach -of ex-slavcholdons; nieiii who, to live a life of luxurious idletmess, would garrote the Godrless of liberty for the white poibes she w^cars. We musit not only make hinil free in name, but in reality, and must give him that potent weapon, the ballot, tihat he may maintain and defend his freedom. I wanit all diistincti ons based upon color wiped out in all tihe states. I want all the roots of this bittenies-s eradicated. I "vvaut the greia-t priuidple upon which a republitj shiould be founded incoi-porated into the OorastitutiioiQ. If, mow that it can b« done, we do less than tliis, we are cowards and faithless men. I want thelm to have aU the privileges enjoyed by other classes. "Do yet wanit niggers in office?" shudideringV asks the member of Congress, who sees in hja mind's eye one sitting beside him. I answer, "Certiainly, if the peoplf dasiijLia it, mot otherwise;" and they are a paiit 'of the people. I have no par The Nasby Letters. 123 . ticiilar core in tihe matter; I only insagt that they stall be digilble. Whettieir "fliey are eleieted to officaal positiori or nut, iis sometWing ijbait is eraedroly wiliim j-our oomtrol. If you return a maii a. horse Uhat is Ub, It dioes not follow that "you must give Mm also silT6>plated haimpss and a carnage. If you pay a debt, jt dioefe mat folow tlhat you must likewise mBiry into the ftumily of your ored- itor. You Ihave Sn itMis city au orrei-whelming majoidrty of "wlhiltes— dt is for you to choose. "Wlhere they have a niEijoiity, I presuimie tJiey -wiill dio as we have dome— elect men o£ tlhedr oiwn race; and I should advfeie tlhem to. But tiliere is no law to oompell yon to elect black men or men oi any oflheir color, ito official positioin. You have a right to vote for wihom yon please. I am not cer- taan but itihat the good of the public would be snbsei-ved by subslitutiing some negroes I know of for soon© white oflicials. For instance, were I a citizen of New York, I wooild most gladly exchange Joihn Morrisey for Frederick Doug- lass, and raither than spoil the trade, I would tihrow in Fomando Wood and Ii5is bTWther Ben, and esteenn *he bargain a roost exoeilemt one alt that. But our eonservative friends do not see it. "My God!" said one of them, with honor in his coatenance, "think of my bein tried afoi-e a nigger jury for boss-stealiinl" llhe people elect, or ougiht to elect, man to office to serve them. If jou desire whitewashing done, do you luok at the ooloir of the aartist to whom you intrust the purifying of your walls and ceilings? No; you sedect the man who has the imost skill. Why not so in ofEciaJ posiitaons? If yon have among you negroes wliio have ability superior to Ibo wliites, if you liave those who can better fill the offices, you as tax-payers, do yourselves grioss injasrice by nut electing them. It does not follow that you must therefore take them to your bosoms as social equals. You have, under tho Oonstitutiion oi the United States, fflie blessed privileg3 of choosing your own associations. AVe do not care to associate with Bll white men, but all white mien vote nevertheless. I would not make them superior to tho white. I would do nothing more for them than I would for other men. But I would mot prevent them from doing for themsdves. I would tear down aU bars to tiheir advancement. I would let them onakie of themselves all that they may. in a repubHc there should be no avenue to honor or well-doing closed to any man. If tihey outstrip me in the Kioe,.i!t proves tihe» to be more worthy, and they are clearfy entitled to the advantages resulting. There is no reason for this inequality. Knowing/ hO'W doep the prejudi<« is ag.iin.st the race, knowing how low down in our veiy natures Ms roots have' stntck, I demand, in our renewed and purified i-ejiublic, the abrogation of all laws discriminating a^ailnst them. I demand foil them full equality with us before the law. Come whtit may, let it lead to wUa,t it will, this demand I make. I make it as a w orshippeir of true Democracy^; as one who bfilieves in the divine right of man — not white mam, ned mam, or black man, but man, to self-government. I make it as one who will be free himself; and that he may be free himself, would have all othens free. I demand it, not as a gracious gift to the colored man of something wo might, if exi>edient, with- hold, not as a lighit he has earaed by sei-vice done, but humbly,, and with shame in my face at the wrong we have dune, I would give it to him as returning a right that was always his; a right to w.hdeh he has a patent froim God Al- mighty; a right that we liad taken from him by brute force, and the taldug of wfiioh by us was almost the unpardonable sin. I demand it, for until it is done our boasted freedom is a sham, and our pretence of republicanism a misei-able- Jie. I demand it, for I would have no privileged classes in this govea-nninut, for fear that eomie day my children may by force be deprived of the rights I en- joy by a class arrogating to themselves superiority. I demand it, because I bejieve governroeiplB were ipstituted »n earth for the proteotiop. of the weak 124 ThJS xNASBi JJETTiLltft. agtidiDsl; the stuong, and that in a repuljlic tihe ballot iB tihe weak man's only pro- tectioin. I demanid it, because we cannot gff'Oird to g'rve ttoe lie to our piofes-' sions; because we caravot affiord to say to ■tihe world one fhing and do amiotliar. "Wihat shall we do wiitlh the negro? Do Iby him what enlightemed Cliristian- ity ooim-mandis ms to do Ito all. Let uis sqware our.ectioii in this, as in all oHier matt'jrs, by tihat sublime precept, "Do umito ofliefns as ye wiould have others do unto you." Casitimg beMnd us, bs unwortlhy of a momient's serious oom^deraifciom, tbs miserable eopliistries of the false teachers wlho thare weM nigh' rmned the repuMic, let us dare to do righit. Let us declare and crys- talize our d'eclarajtiom iato imchaaigeable larwB, tihat umder the flag all saen sihail be mien. Iiet us build an altar, the foumdatfoaiof wiMoh shaU be reason, tihe topsbcme Justice, -and laying theron our pa-ejudiiices, fet itheim be oomsuimied inl tlh© steaxiy, pure flame of Humninaity. The smeU of that sacrifice will be a sweeter savor ta the Fa.ther of all races tihan any since Abel's. Let us naSise oiirselves from the low, dead, flat plane of self-interest, and demonstrata our strength, mat by trampling upon the dofencelesis heads rof those weaker and lower than ourselTes, but by lifting them up. to us. Amid then, when the flag hias under its slhadoiw lonily free men, when all men are ipeoogioized as men, w« can look the woirld ini the face, and repeat without la blush fihiat grand dd Deiclanatfon, that Magna Charba of humain rights, that BTangel. of Humanity: "We hold these tiruifhs to be self-evident, that all mien are created equal ; fcha* Ihrey aire enidlowed by thedr Creator with certem inialileniabls rights; that amiong these axe life, liberty, amd the pursuit of happiness." NASBY AS A BAT^KER. THE COEISTBRS DECIDE FOR INFLATIOIST-THB UNLIMITED TRUST AND CONFIDENCE COMPANY. Oouf ediftt X JEEoads, (■widh Is in &ie SOaite ut Kemltiicky,) Seprt. 23d, 1875. IJie OorncTS (hev red tihe speedhes ut 'EDonefilt Ole iBOi ABem and. ifihIaJt other gileless ipatrJiolt, Gremeiial Saimyiooel Ca^ry, uv OMo, ez -weH ez itihe PenmsylTainy plabftxnm, tm Ithe mioimenidiius subjick uv Miare (Money, till Utiey ibxsv Jxn iwoirked wp to a state UT ahslcoit madnis. T5ie C orneirs are jiat the saime ez aOl wtiher jiinpioaoioaiuB people — tihey want More Jloney, and (tftie idee ut HBoneat Bill Allen, ittalt, (to gnit lilt, all yoo hed to do wuz to ishoo it, filledi our idees ut finianise egg- sacUy. It's sfionple and ezily understood. I determined topult the idee .nrtia practice, and! ItJo Itlhaft eeid eejesfted to my Mends tlhe organizaaheu uv a Bunk uv ishioo, under the name anjd itiltle uv "Tfee Onlimited Trueit and Confidence Camipany uv Ooimfedrst X Bioadis." I Ihed some trouble to git the citiizenis in(t)o it, bu/t (I fijnalty suiooeeded. I ex- pteined to the people thait more money wood be an advonltfage to the detobor olaas, wljch, ez nine-teaths uT" em (is in debt to Bascoim, the grosery keeper, seilltled em. They hailed with joy any movennent thialt woiod iwupa ouit idheliii Iscioiree and give em new credit alt bis bar. To Bascom, and therai ez I intended to hev in the maniagesmedt, I sihioiwed thait more money meanit increased ti'ade, and ez .ith-ei mDoney iwiaodenit ooat any- thing but *he prinitfin we ooodent lose an yibhing. So the Blamk wtiz atlanted. I wTiz made President, Issaker Gavitit, Cash..eir; iBneoomv Vice-Preisid'entt; wlilHh si Boajd UT Directors consisitin of ourselves, with Kerned iMlaPelter, and ithe ven- eiraMe Deekin Pogran. We put the Deekin, on becoz he is bald-hettded, and therefore respeoitable. His biznis is to sit in the fron't iwiindlow reedin an ki- flaehen paper. It jnsp'jres confidence. Yoo have tO' waitoh hjiim ito keeip (him fToan hevin Wie paper upside doiwn, buit in this aomimunity tihat don't mjaittter, ez Tery feiw know the difference more'n he does. Our bankin roo(>llar." We don't say when, where, or how ilt is to be redeemed, and tihereim is the strengtih uV the emtei-prise. Our tiiTSt isih'oo wuz I'eseeved with some hesibaishen. "Wihere is our secO'O'ri'ty ?" demanded one farmer to TVt us wusis than ever. They sed they bed made more money by this (ti-amsackshem than tihey bed ever made in the Oorners since they hed landed ithere. Deekli'n Pogiraim, Capt. MtoPelter and Tssaker Gu,t Ithere oeams to be a break Ln !t. Elf we let B'asoom hev thalt grain and take OUT Ofwn money for it, were is our profits? E3f we don't let himl hev the igffiain tihe Cbmers wiH die uv drouth! Anid est lie gilbs ft our money must -be tiaken Jor fit, ftxr it's ail he's got. I cood cut the Gkwjen kmcrt by faUin, but itfheu Uhe wfheart 'wood be attached. I sheJl hold on and see wat a week will ibrlng forth. Providence never deserted me yjt. P. v. N. THE PUETHBR PROGEBSS OF THE UNLIMITED TEUST AND CONFIDENCE CO.— ITS CONTINUED SUCCESS. Oomfedriit X Kioads, (wioh ik In the Staite o€ Kentucky,) Sept. 301 1875. Bf life ever woiz a rose tinted dream to m« ait any time doorin my miortle piLgirimlajge, itMs is the precise time. I am lahionoly haippy — 30 hapi)y, indeed that the pnivashens and troubles that I hev been tha-o are fad.jn out uv my memory ietfUireily. I hev paid Basicom's account wieh hez bin runnin for so many yeare, and (hev his reoeet in my safe— my safe, I say. PrO'Udly I write itiheiin words. My -safe! Wtoo^-thirty days ago wood hev supposed, that I should ■eveir say my siaife! Then I hev two soots uv doze — ^good ones — ^wioh is one and a Ihialf more itlhan I hev hed sence I was Poatmaster under Joteison — Heaven rest hlis s.ole— I herr two shirts for the firat time in my Siife, and I am wear.n ^oiCMras! I hev but one pare ez yat, buft one oan't sise bo the suimimit uv boomaa grandjer at wun bound. I S"hel buy anaitheir pare in a week or two. I fchimk -every Bank Presddenit ought to either hev two pare uv stoekims or ■return to tlhie ateim vircihoos uv the Eepuiblic in ilts better days, and go bare- fooit. G-oiin barefot or hevji a change, is necessary to the kespdn uv a Bank Ppeisident's oiOoe in a siweet smellin condliition. Bult tJiis a disgreshen. Suffice it to say, I aim eCatlhed. I pade three dol- Jia.TB and a half a pare for them stwkins— "Dhey is ooWton— (wioh is three d'ollars, laad a qimrter more than they wuz wowh in the old money, but what di-fferenoe does lilt m'aie? Tlhat thiee doltairs and a half wuz made by fonip pulls on Siiffiipson's printin press, and when money kin be made in that^way wait dif£er- emce does i't make wat I pay for r-otton sox? At the beginning we ishooed 10, 20, 25 and 50 cent currency, but we hev quit that. Prices hev gone up so, under tihe general prosperity, that there aint anylth'ug in the Comers that sells for less than a doillar, and the frack- isfhueJ currency wue desided to be yoosoCiis. Besides, it costs jest ez much to ipriat a ten cent note ez it does a dollar, and we bleeve in economdzin. iSimpson, the printer, i^ makin us a liltUe trouble. At the beginn.n I ycpsed to play Mmi if or printin our bills by jest adgnin enuff uv em ez they come from tihe press to make his amount, but lately he hez refoosied to take our money, .and insi'sfts on greenbai. We tried to overaiwe him, but when he threaitened to juvblJsh the finanshej oondishun uv the President and I>.!pekltlor^ iit wua oon- sidieo-ed advisable to hnmor him. It is Binglar fihiajt sioh men tjhiivxw impedi- jnenlts in the way uv pnogresa. The Nasby Letters. - 129 Tlhe olbatades in the •way uv the Bank tlnait hev tlius far developed tfhem- sdLves, hev bCn ha^pipily and easily removed. Baseom damanded wiboat uv us ito. Blbtlp to Ijooisv.Ue to git more ■wliisliay, and we hed to let hiim hev it, and take Itey '^^ *nT oiwn money. And ez he demanded tiliait we take OTir oiwn ibloiniey, jedt .tihe same ez greenb-ax, that bein flhe stiaudiard dn Looisville, we meit a teavy -loss. TKe acoounit aOands ez follouvs: 1,000 Impels uv wheat cosit us in. our oiwn money, at $4.50 per r budhel $4,500.00 , Sold irt to Basoom art; LiOoisv-.Ile greembax prices, TOCih is $1 per buslhel, takin pay in the same money -ve hed pa-d foir it 1,000.00 I Lobs (wicih is easily figgered) $3,500.00 We lied one more trouible, widh. we goit on eaeuer wiirSh. Pugsby, ithe sQioe- maker, wihio took our mioney, run out uv loadher, and wd. Teill Pugisby *o coame to-auorrer and we wUl gilve him wiheat at a dollar a buflhel for all uv our m/omey. he Ihez goit. We hev itiwenty-fouir hours, and Ibanics, ez jwetl as naslhenev kin be s&Ted in twenty-four hooirs." And Issaker poit some maltahes in his ve^t porakelt — aibotiit $3 woirtih. Martdhes hez gone up $4.50 a box — our momey. Thiat nSte Pugsiby's shop burnt up and Uhe fire broke out jist under his desk. Tlhe next momiii that uraforohnit man came to us and inssted on hevin the vehieait on tihe score uv tihe money he hed uv ouiis. "Bring lis the money," said Issaker, beamin sweeitty onifio Mm, "and we'll give yao ail the wihealt you want." "But yoo knoiw that I hed yoor money, and thiat itiwuz buiet up last n£te." "I persoom you hed some uv our money, but I dlo^nt knoiw it," repilied Issaker. "No well reguLa/ted bank Idn live if ttiey shiood take every man's word, ez you want us to. Hoiw Idn I tedi but wait yoo hev that money aon- caaled, and that the buimin of your ghop was a skeem to deifipod yoor oredlitors? I am not shoor that i.t isiat my dooty to investigalte the matter." And Issaker looked so stem that Pugsby leiflt the bank wiltlh a howl o£ teOTOT. Issaker iis developin So great a geniua in finanioeerin that I'm reely jeaCus uv him. He is the master-spent oi the insititooshnn. At tihe Board meetin last nite we discuat wat we ^ood do .n sich cases ez Pugsiby's hereafter, but arrived at no definit condoostmo. There is several iiv em, and they will hev to be met. Issaker bleeres in the style uv treatment he yoosed in Pugsby's case, but I can' t consent • to it. Its heroic, I adimit, ■ and good enufl for a tempiaiy expedient, but it won't do for a reglar sysiteim. Bf oair money dtimooilates a man's biznis to the pint of his bldin a new house, we hev benefitted him, and the commoondty ez well. But ef to avptd the iu- oonveience iiv redeemin that money we hev to bum the house, wiat good her we aooomplisihed? Ntone. We hev got to find some otiher way. I dtan't see any ISO The Nasby Letters. . - - " ofther way, but no doubt it will sejest itsei'f to me in time. It is iistionsihin hiow tJhe Corners Is booimin, now tihart it hez m.nney enuff, Five new ralerodes are bein built, twen ty new turnpikes, oaie luinjil'i-ed amd tw¥'i«ty-right eeilers for new lionses 1* beiu dug, and tart week the oo^raer-Btunel for eight ftictrys wuz liide witih appro prit ceromonie'S.l'ihe gradiu is betii dun oil tbe i-aterodes and turnpikes, and tliat ptivt nv the wm-k wCll be pushed to au eariy ooimpdeshnn, for the liilrers furnish Sheir oiwn sihovels and piiekis and Bake mir mioney for wages. The Jabrers Dny t'he'.r liv-iin uv the farauers along the line with that money, and then tihe ftu-nie're come to tihe OoTncrs with it, and aheer tiher soJes ait Basc-oon'u. So far, all is serene and sweet, fto fitr l5he m'oney alieilw hJessiais ez a skunk does pei-Coem. But at th;.s piiit comes worry. Walt is Bcisooin to dio wi*h it? The J.^O'O'lsvrille meroiiauts refooz to teeh it for i:kker, -and iwe can'it afford to give hiim wheiit at lyooisville pr ees agin. We wowl bild a the dodtriui'S uv the O'hio Diniocrisy, ez regairdi-i money. And ieetiu Wva/t I wnz nssiatin, Ji my Imnible vn)y, in pnftiu them ttodtiiines imto pimotis, I determined not to go mnd, but to persevere even umto the end. Bnt iKhe perverse people are doin ihor level bertt to drive me er.izy, and I am not shoor thnt tliey won't sncveed.. I bongiht a pare uv toorsm uv due uv oni for $8,000, and paid liim in our own money. He tlroit he'd iwoher not tedi it. "WJiem will fhis be redeemed?" he nsUt, innocenrtly. *'Any time yon ' -n-ant- it," I replied. , ^ "111 wat?" he retorted. "In oitJier notes onto the same bank," eez I. * "And hmw will yooTedecm tliem notes?" sez he. "In j'.at tOie same ■ntiy," sez I. "Tlien all tlier is uv it," sez he, "yoo go on takin n.p one note by givin an- tflJliea-, and nil uv em without interest nor notihin.", "- "Tlint's jt egg'sticlc.y," sed I. "yoo see, cwiit y^o, or are yoo an ijeot? faiit money metins fniitb. New ef the proud finianshei instooshin in wicii I am She toed, ishoios its note, yoo must hev f aidh tihat it will pay, and so long ez yoo hev that faith, and everybody else hez tihtut ftiiioh, so that they take it for money, yoo never want the money on it. So long ez money is tnkeai, yoo don't want '.It redeeinied, for it is good ennff, yoo see! Our money is made good by flaith — and ez long ez it is sustaned by fa.Jth it wiil go. When the notes yoo hev noiw wears out, come to ui3 and we will redeem em with ueiw ones. But everybody urasit hev faith. Oant yoo see it? Everybody must hev faith! Paitih in the ishoo-s iiv this bank uv ourn js nessary to iits success and stability. Ii\aut)h in onr money is, ez it is in Religion, the siibstonee uv things hoped for, and itJie evidence w tMugs not seen, only more so. Wait till I'gi't $8,000 from, tihe pi-iMin oflBs, and take em for yoor ho'sses, and go yoor way. Hev fa.th." Perlins, that wuz the farmer's name, took the money and went his way, pondenln ez (h<> wertft. He-vi-alked down to Basc'om's with deep lines uv thot onto his face, wich resolved itself into a. exipreshun uv stern detenminoahen ez (he iwent in. "Kin yoo sell me a barl uv whisky to-d'ay— a entire barl?" ^ "Cerbainiy," sed G-. W., smJingly, "ceitlhis doekeyment: Oonifedriit X Roadis, Seplt. 1, 1875. I ptroimise to pay G. W. Basoom sixteen hundred, and eiglhity dollars. JElHIiAX. PERKINS. "Walts tlhis?" askit the astonished Bascam, wlfih &,u expreshen uv intense disgust ufiurpdn the place uv the s-mile. ' "Pay for that likker," replied Perkins, calim ez a Jown momSn. "But t(hJs ain"t pay — it's yoor promise to pay, and yoo ain't gdt: time nor ptiace fixed ibr payment — ^yoo ain't got no interest expreat, nor noitMn. Wen do you perp'ose to pay [rt?" "Never, G. W., never. Under the, noo (fcpensasiheo, promises t» pay !s mioney. All yoTi want in faiith. So long ez yoo bCeeve that that paper ia monjey, wat do yoo want uv money? With faith enufiE that jpaper is money, I hev bin figgeirin tfliis matter out in m y in/teliek ever sense I tiev . bdn takin yoor tent money. It's all the same. Ef I have/ feith in y6or money yoo must hev faitfli in mine. Wen this note wears out come to me end I will write yoo a neiTC one. And don't keep it too long — ^I shed take pleasure in wrJtin yoo noites often, eo tlhat they will altuz be neiw aud pleasant to look at. How pleasant it ds, Bascom, to pay ez yoo go! Hioiw moicih better I feel to pay on the nale, and hoiw much beitter yoo must feel to hev yoor caish wen yoo deliver yoor goods." And Perkins drove off with Jhe likker, Ete-hearted, lea^in Basr taxes thait aimt pilnlted, and that heznt got no Presidemt and Oasheer and Board uv Du- rekfters! Tlhere is suah a thing ez carrying this thing too fur. But prosperity oontinoos her stimulatin rain. We ishood thirty thousand dotliars uv our money last week, and the benefishle effeok ds viilMe. Whemi is now $12 a bushel, likker $1 a drink plain, and $1.50 to ilfliem ez take augtti in ibherein, pegged boots is $80, cotton soi $4, and toiwn lots — well, any price that .one chooses to ask for em. The diggdn uv ceilare is goiu on satisfiaotorily, ez Is eivi7tes," and ithey ish'jod their Klls by lihe busfliel. Wheat wenit ujp immejJtly to $38 per bu^d, and a noo era uv prosDerity 134 ■ The Nasby Lettbrs, ' Beflore tfhese finaraseers hed goit fairly under .wiay, Biiltfte and Busterd oon- d'ooded tli-ej-'d go into banMu, and Mho'd one mornin ithe 'bi&JS uv .tihe "lia-bor S.-;iii.vi.«;aitiu Oj;i»i>.mi.v— 1. Buits. l'i-,.s.aen.t"-inmde 'tiheir .appeamnce. llhey didn't hev any ofRs.for Butts sed he dildul; see no yo-ose uv an offis. He trood pay OTit money on Dhe iitreet all he wanted to ef the people wood take it, and ez lit nevier wnzint a goin to be redeemed, wiiit did he wanlt uv an loflBs? Ho ' wuznt a gdin .bo amy .sidh- expense, for he U.eeved in eoonomizin. To go to yoose- lis expenses luniz .to show « culpable disregard nv .tihe in,terevSts uv 'Che peoiple. "Wheat ■n-'ent up to $45 per 'buslhel, and Bhere wiiz more prosperity. Ilhen biTOitole set iu in chunks. The penp'-e who wuz not imterested in banian rofoozed, pint blank, to fake ;iny nv ^their ishoos. Banks wuz a gebtin paMier too frekent. A reackshen okknred -agin out m'ouey wiich we who wuz iuitei'futed dL';t»i'miined to frnsii to-wnust. The offi^iils uv the five banks in f.ie town nn?t and decided to bold a meetin uv the citizens, at wifh steps sliood be taken to jegal'.ze our ishoos. The meetin wuz held, and uv course we keiTied it without any trouble, ' for seven-tenithfi uv em hed our money in 'their pockets, find 'they 'WUZ very fiavOTaliCje to any acliShen that wood keep it a bilin. To that end we past tha fo'.'.e'iiin reisoloosliens: "W'an-ai?^ The Demoicrisy nv Ohio and Pennsylvany, wdbh a singl-frly just appreslhiasihen uv 'the wan'ts uv the ritiz mis uv the (Jroiss Itoads, heiv deyjiandej UxioTe 'lUij-ney, 'and "Waras, Five oompinios hev kerriod out the idee nv the Domioerisy nv Ohio and Pennsylvany 'by f nrnishin the peoiie more money, 'and "WareaF^ N'otwiths'tandin the ■onparalloled prosperity that Ihez. T.esulted from bhe ".nioi-ease lin cnrreiicy, eertin men in th oontmoonity, by refooaiug to take it, diecCiu'e to Ibe benefited; 'therefore, be it "Unsolved, Th'ait 'this meetin nv eif.zens demau'd uv Wie Ton-n 'Council that it ito^wun'St coiiveno au'd pass 'an ordnance imakiu the ishoOiS nv 'the five 'bants lc^"a; iteu'der for eveiTthIng from drinks dt>wn to taxes, and 'that any citizen wlbo Ttifo'ozes 'to 'tialoe 'jt, or miumnnrs 'ait it, 'Or lin any way ditscredits it, shell be held ez la public enemy 'and be immejitly hung." The-iwareascis and the Tesoloosihen wnz passed to-wunst, and I felt easier. With iBhe piTwer to hiang a)l wich refooze to itake 'Our imoney, I ra'ther itliink 1 Hn 'make it current. A rope over 'tftie limb nv a tree is a persuader of Tare ■merit, and lit i's 'the !best end-orseiuent uv our paper that w© kin possibly Jaev. So far so good. 'Bnt jist ez 1 wnz f eeliln good over 'my sucees.3, 'that .iinimiti- g.Tted cnss Jeh'ial Perkins, the man wat give his note 'to Bascom for a ibaiC uv whisky with sic-h disbinguisilned success, rose and sed he hed a series of wiareases and 'a reoloosihem to pass. He went -on to say tihait ih hed 'given this question of finiance a great deal uv 'Study. He endorsed fni'ly the posishen uv the Uim'ccrisy uv Ohio and Pennsylvany. Hebleeved in ni'ore m'Ouey — money ennft for ovei-ylbody. He plated with pride to 'tli developmen.t uv the Ooiruers since tllie creasbun uv roore money, and ho bleeved that stiill more money 'wonii'd .ni'aike still 'ra'ore prospwity. The id'ee wnz correct. The G-overnimenit 'Sihood 'islwo pronii.siee to pay and faith ahood au'aUe tm good, without 'any sleh non'seiise ez redec'iniin; and if the G-overnment sliood do it why s.hoodnt banks; if 'banks vi'fhy molt in'div.ljiles? Tliat's what ihe wanted to know. lOf 'Cher wnz any 'sioh thing cz redeeimin uv it in gold 'Or anything else 'the peoiple 'niii'te ihev the ri'te to a'Sik if the'ui ez if.ih'0'0 tlie money hed gold o r nnyOhiiiB else to redeem em wlBh, bu't ez ther aii'n''t no redeemin perposed why that question dont come in. The people" hev 'to hev ftii'th, laaid that's all the hevi n ther is lin the transacksjhen. He wtjz a bleever in nuore m'oney an'ili life perpoaftd 'to Ihev more imoney, and he (bleeved tbalt 'tlhem ez, hed the grea't^st need foT money flhOod Ihev 'the 'priviteg© uv The Kasby Letters. 133 laiooin it, 'aiwl so liOng cz -tlie people tonic .it from m«se nv cnnVnoy in the Oorners liez b!n prodiiative uv iwosperiity sidi ez we never iIi'immiumI nv; find "W'ai^eas, Tt is .tflie doot^- nv all ra rtldy Rnvemmpiits to diffioose its bles- sdns ekally, theirby iniitin bongiht 'by people over in the next county," sed this villin; "ttiey wuz bought for -giold. Possibly ef yoo hed g^oM I cood get one nv em ito seli you a pare hj'sself." And 'he sed suthi'U about bringing a horse 'bo waiter; buit yoo oooderat make ham d'rink. it is pl'ain to 'me tha't more legis'lashun is a gain to he neeeBS'aTy. Up to a certain pint ithey 'took our m'oney, bat somAow them ez aiiiit a maldn it are a fiiliin shy uv i;t. PETROT.EUM V. NASBY, .President uv the Onlimlted Ti-ugt and Oonfidenee Oompany. P. S. — (More .trouble. Baseom sez he's got to hev sam.9thiinig to go to Eoois- vffile iwl'th beside out ni'oney, .or he'll hev to dose. And all .the iueoh'an,!.c3 in the vUiliage, who hev to 'buy 'things in Loo:sv411.e, are clamarin for suHiin they klin buy winih, and threaten, «f they dou/t get it, ito bust things. Wnn uv em impndienitly sed ttol af'ore tihe inflation period they didn't hiev .much 'm'OU'ey, but theiy cooddo euitbin wi'th iwat they hed. And the peop'.e applauded the distuirtyer. 2d P. S. — ^Basoom hpz jest come in. His likker is meerly gone, anid he 9'Brears lie''ll dl'oee his bar ef we don't do suibhiu to-wun.3t. I hev oa.Eed a.meefin of Ithe Diiielcters. Bf Basoom closes we are lost for ever. The Comers kin get on wiitih any ttoing but tlnajt. I kin get on awhile, for I 'hev a jug in reserve, biilt H«ven heCip them wlho is not peirvided.- P. V. N. 136 The Nasby Letters. THE BISID OP THE " ONLIMITED TRUST AND CONFIDENCE COMPANY."— THE FINAL SMASH-UP. j OocnfeMt X Roads, i (widh lis in 'tiie State uv Kenituoky,) Ocbober 20, 1875. ■Ubere is gloom onJto the Oprners! Our sun uy prosperity is sot, ■aad my hopes is Masted. TJie OajUmited Trust and Obnfidenoe Company ia not egg- sacMy no more, but it's near enuff dead to make it eajfe to bury St on a ven- cheor. Itjs eyes is sot. Afiter a brilyiaut cjareer uv fiv« weetes, ooruscsatin along the sky ur finance,' aheddiu a perfect rain uy blessins at eyery jumjp, its Idte Inez gomie, its bralyiancy hez depaa'ted, and it don't oorueoaite wioi'th a eemt. We bevn't suspended, nor fated, nor eJosed our doors, mor nathin, for ithe simipil'e reason thait tie t)auk wuz oous trusted on an ijee that made faaJin ian- possjjble, a/nd ithe olosin uv doors 0nneces3ai7. Ez we don'lt hey to redeem, wajt shel we liadl for? Ez we don't perpose to pay nioUhiin, wa;t slhel we axjkeir joooe aJi over the floor, jedt Ofl frendly as tlhey cftiioioge, and they may do it ez long ez they cihoose. No, ■the Onlimsted Trust and Confidence Compaiiy ajin't failed, but it's binder pateiied ouit, ez it w«re. It is expirin uv diry rot. Its not©^ wicfli is irta bCud, ainit hevin any <;irk<^ help himself. •Basooim coime to us and begged that we ^ood l«t tiim hev suthin lihiat he oood yoose to re^boiek his bar. He sed the dealers in Looisville laffed in his face when he offered eip our money for likker, and, he ibad but two ibaiiLs ieft. And them two banlis wuz vizably sbrinkin every mluit. It eeeimed ez tihwigih the populis got inisane for likker at the verj-. time when we didn't wanit em to hiev it. I^cur the first time in my life, I wauited the Coi-uers to be tem- pmit, for every drop drunk from th'ose barls brought our "bank tha.t much neaa'er its end. I sot opposite Basoom'e, and saw the orowd go in ,wi'tih a sinMa eemisaslhen that wuz akin to death. Drink by drink it went, and ez ef they ooodent aggsau;3t it fast enough by the single drink, they got to oomin for it in tin dippers. "How does it hold OTit?" wuz the msissage I sent him at 10 a. m. Ilhe answer comie prampt: "10:05 a.m. — ^Wun barl unitultdhed, twenty galLonis in 'tlie lotjher and sinkm eveay mdmt. B." Them I sent tihis: "10:10. — FJCl her up wdtlh wateir. Keep JefCson Davis a pourin in. Hold tihe font. N." And the answer c™ne: "10:15. — JefPsom Davis is a IMstin in waiter ez fast ez he kin carry it. 'Mrs. Baaoom is a riosin ouit oHd barls, to whiah she adds kyau pepper and eamfene. Bf I 'hed some Sooitah snuff it wood help. "VVfil hold out ez loug ez it's possible. But it's terrible. A man jist come m and demiandid a gallon. B." Ilwenity mdnits thereafter Basoom sent this: "Hev jist put a spdggot in the last barl, and the Corners is a howlin. It won't la^ an hour. B." Then an expedient segeSted itself to me. I sent this nate: "Time is everytibimg. Buist the spiggot. N." Wich he did, fchus keejrin the wolves at bay for an hour, wflaile it wuz bean neipaLTied. But why barrow the public bnzum with the detaCeis uv this painful story? The end wuz inevitable. Drop by drop, drink by drink, pint by pint, thiait likker wuz ebbin away, and each drop weakened the bank. Thait likkeir wuz OUT life-(blnd, and ez it flowed we wilted. vVaterin itbe barl wuz merely ■' paliLatiive; and it wuz witlh a feelin nv relief tJbait I saw Gleo. W. ttmioiw up hSs hcunde and exclaim: "It's all gome but a gaHon, -wncb I ghel keep flor my own yooee. It'is alii gone, and I can't get an- atUer drop in IjooisviOIe." And he dimpt his head despondiiily on a pile uv aiboiuit $12,000 uv our cur- rency, widh he laiediu't Kaken off tbe bar, and wept despondinly. "Why dam't you "get aniore?" demanded the excited populis. '^Beooz I ain'ft got mo (nnomey but this, and yoo coodenit g«t a biarl uv wluskey in. I>oiodsvl!ie for a eajr load uv it." 138 The Nasby LETrcas. "' ■ ., ! I att--'.■' , jag ME. NASBY'S PROPOSITION IS NOT ACCEPTED. ! In a f wamp near Confedrlt X Roads, CWlch is in tlie State uv Kentucky), October 27, 1875. I felt that ef I had to stay another week in this infernal cabin 1 shood die. "With nuthln but hoe-cake to eat— with Infrekent and onreliable drinks, with no society watever, life didn't seem to me to be wuth hevin. Therefore I sent a note to the citizens uv the Corners askin for a promis ijv safety, that I mite make em a. proposishen, wich ef they wood accept, wood enable the Bank to go on and become ez permanent ez time herself. The Corners met and decided to reoeeve me and appinted a committee to heer my proposishen, and on reseevin ther answer I made my way 1 hither. The meetln wuz held in the Church. It wuz an impressive scene. On the platform in front of the pulpit sot the committee — the auditorium in front wuz crowded with citizens, the must uv whom hed baskets uv my currency, and ther wuz an expectant murmur ez I entered. I wuz delited to see that ther wuz a, winder just back uv where I wuz to stand, and also that it wuz open; that it wuz only three feet to the ground, and that the woods wuz only about 80 rods to the rear. Old ez I am I kin make fairly good time for 80 rods. I wuz respectfully invited to make my statement. Ez I rose a most anxshus silence pervaded that assemblage. Too cood hev heerd a pin drop ef enybody hed dropt one. Wipin my streamin brow I remarked that I hed never intended that the Corners shood loose a cent by oar bank, nor did I now so intend. I contest that lookin simply to the idae uv inflashun, fdllerin the idees of the Democracy uv Ohio and Pennsylvany, I hed not given sich careful at- tention ez I shood hev done to the matter uv redempshun. At this pint the awjence seemed to be visibly pleased. I hed hed a week uv solitood, and I hed employed that time wrestlin With the question uv finance,, and I wuz happy to say that I hed finally mastered It. I hed matoored a skeem for redempshun wich I wuz willin to present. "Go on! go on!" the people shreeked delitedly. "I perpose to redeem the ishoos uv the Onlimited Trust and Confidence In the bonds uv the Company." Their faces resoomed a, expresshun uv stolidity wich I did not like. "Will them bonds bear interest?" they all askt In korus. "Certainly they will. We shel be generous. You may fix the rate of interest at wat yoo choose." "That seems fair," they exclaimed. I congratulated myself on havin got through tollable easy, and wuz steppin off the platform to go over to Simpson's to hev the bonds printed when that feend, Joe Bigler, who wuz sittin with Pollock, rose and re- markt that he, ez a bill holder, hed a question to ask. "Go on!" sez I. "Too'U give interest-bearin bond: for yoor notes, will yoo?" "Certainly, Josef," sed I; "uv course we will." "Wat do yoo perpose to redeem the bonds in?" "Why, our notes, uv course. Wat else hev we to redeem em in? Our notes, with the privilege uv convertin uv em into bonds at any Lime— and faith is the best money in the world." -.?^ 140 ' ' The Kasbt Xsitees. ' • - ' - - -a; "Then wat'll yoo redeem the notes in?" persisted Josef with feendlsh pertenassity. "Why, the bonds uv course," was my response. "Wat kin eny wun want better than Intrest-bearin bonds, and wat currency Icin be better than that wlch yoo kin convert at pleasure into sich bonds? My friends, whenever yoo want bonds for yoor currency doa't hesitate to come for em —don't be afraid of givin the officers trouble. It is our pleasure to serve the public, and we'll go to any lengths " "But wat did I understand yoo'r goin to redeem them bonds In?" askt Josef agin. "Our notes!" I answered, out uv pashence with him. '■ "And yoo redeem the notes with yoor bonds?" "Certinly; jist ez our friends uv Ohio perpose to pay the nashnel debt." "And this goes on for time and eternity?" "Certinly, Josef. A finanshel institooshen, constructed ez ours is, kin go on from time to eternity, becoz It is convertible — one species uv paper into another, and another into one. Tou see " "Yes, I see, but citizen Bascorn, when yoo hev sold all yoor likker agin for this paper, and yoo turn around and convert it into bonds, hev yoo any afehoorance that they'll take them bonds in 'Looisville for more likker? Did they take the notes afore? How much better does the bonds make em? Fellow citizens uv the Ccruers— (Josef spoke impressively) — Fellow citizens uv the Corners, inoggerate this system agin if yoo choose, but I feel it my dooty to warn yoo that in a week there won't be a drop uv lik- ker in the Corners, and wat's more, yoo won't be able to git a drop. Too are standin on the brink uv a pressipis. Haul off before it is everlastinly too late." -- The people seed it to wunst, and with a glare like so many infoorl- ated tigers they riz and went for me. The winder wuz open, and I sprang thro it, and made for the woods, wlch I reeohed jist in time. Hed they caught me, they wood hev hung me out'uv band. I am now in the cabin. In wich I hev spent the last week, sick and sore. Does flnanseerin mean perpetooal skootin for the woods? Am X alluz' to be escapin with my life? Oh for a quiet, sekoor post offls! PETROLEUM V. NASBT, President of the late Onlimited Trust and Confidence Company. P. S. — The nigger who owns my hidin place hez diskivered who I am. He went to the Corners tp get pervlshens with the money I give him, and then the cat wuz out uv the bag. He sed hed he knowd who I wuz and wat I wuz hidin for, he never wood hev took me in. He thot I wuz merely a hunted and distrest hoss-thief. Ez I hed nuthin to pay him in, he came in while I wuz asleep and took my coat and boots, wich he sez I kin hev when 1 give him good money for that wich I paid him in. He bleeves I hev some good money about me' somewhere. How I am to git away from here the Lord only knows. I P. V. N. I (It may be proper W remark that after this letter Mr. Nasby kept silence for several months, and when he again resumed his pen, his let- ters were dated from Confedrit X Roads, as formerly. It is to be inferredj that the means by wh' -h he extricated himself from the dire predicament so graphically described in the above postscript were sa painfully humlli- ptir" that he could not bear^to make them known to an unsympathizing world.) LATER LETTERS. The letters following are now emtiodled In book form for the first time.' They are taken from the files of the Toledo Weekly Blade, in which alone they were published. The selection embodies the greater number written from 1869 to 1887, and embraces all that are of permanent value;, that is, those letters only have been excluded which were based on local subjects, or suggested by comparatively trivial occurrences, which have now passed out of the public mind, and were not important enough to become part of our political history. ME. NASBT SETTLED AT LAST IN THE CITY OF NEW YORK. ! In the 6th Ward uv Noo York, I Dec. 10, 1869. The dove which Noah sent out come back to the Ark becoz the waters klvered the land; when the dove found a. dry spot it come back no more. I am a dove. I wuz sent out from the Corners, but "the prevalence uv water druv me back, time and agen. Now, thank Heaven, I hev found a spot wher ther is no water (at least I've never seen any used here ^ for any purpose), and here I stay. My foot hez found a restin place. I am the sole proprietor uv the "Harp uv Erin" S'loon. The original proprietor uv the "Harp uv Krln" died the evenin uv the last cleckshun,. much regretted by his politikle assoshates. He hed only voted thirteen times, when In argymerit teohln the merits uv his candidate, ez compared with his opponent for the nominashen, he wuz hit with a brickbat, and died with hid day's work half done. The man who struck him wuz ex- pelled from the society to wlch he belonged for killin an able-bodied Dem-; ocrat before the closing uv the polls. How I got possesshen uv the s'loon I shel not state. Suffice It to sayi It became mine, and the stock likewise, and that I shel never hev occa- shen to leave It. Here I shel live, and here I shfel die. Uv course I've dec- orated it to soot the tastes uv my patrons. I took down the portrate uv Jackson, and cut off uv the bottom the words, "The Yoonyun, it must and shel be preserved!" and substitooted, "He serves his party best who votes the most," wlch I read to those who drop in ez the the last words uv the Hero uv Noo Orleans. I hev an Irish flag turned round an Irish Harp, over the bar, and portrates uv the Head Centres uv the Fenian Brotherhood, properly wreathed, all about the room. On the end uv the bar, in the spot where in other neyboi-hoods the water pitcher stands, I hev a box with a hole In the top uv it, inscribed, "Contrlbushens for the benefit of our sufErin brethren In English Basteels may be dropped in here." That box more than pays my rent. Then I hev quite a cabinet uv 141 TiZ T .E Nasbt LBTTEas, sakred relics. I hev a peece uv the rope wlch hung John Brown j the Jdenttcle club wich killed the flrst nigger in the riots uv Jooly, 1863; a buUit fired at the Triboon offls at that time, with other sooveneers dear to' tha ■ Democratic heart, wish attract many. These hang onto the walls, and underneath them, I hev the prices uv drinks inscribed, with the stern, cold words, "No Trust," I Inoggeratld my establishment last "Wednesday nite. Rememherjn tha terrible endin uv all my other inoggerashens, I declined at fust to make any formal openin, but mv friends insisted that it wuz the custom uv the ward, and that I must do it. "Nobody will buy yoor likker," sed one, "ef yoo don't make a regler cpenln." "Ef I make a regler openin," sed I, "I won't hev a, drop to sell em. Stay— I hev it. I'll go before a Justis ov the Peece and take a solemn oath not to drink anything myself that nite." "Twon't do," sed my trend; 'oaths don't count in this ward." Various plans wuz rejectid. One gentleman proposed that I shood be tied down so that I coodent git at the likker, and that he shood do the hon- ors. His nose wuz agin him, and I declined his proposishen. Finally I hit upon the plan. I calkilated that twenty gallons wood anser, and I put that amount in a, barrel. The balance uv the stock I locked in a room, and then put the key away in a drawer. "Thsre," sed I, triumphantly, "afore that twenty gallons is eggauslid I shel be too far gone to know where the key to the room holdin the bal- ance uv the stock is. Saved! Saved!" It resulted ez I anti'cipatid. At first we hed speeches, and toasts. , Mr, O'RafEerty replied to the toast, "Our adoptld country." He sed the term "Our adoptid country" wuz a happy one, foi- so far ez Noo York waz con- sern^d the sons of Erin hed adoptid it. He hed bin charged with a lack uv • love for this country. He repelled the charge with scorn. "Why shoodn't he love this country? In wat other country wuz votes worth a dollar a peece? "Where else cood sich a man ez he hev so high a posishen ez Alderman, and only two years on the ground? Mr. O'Toole jined in the sentiment. "Where else under the canopy cood a man like hisself who coodent read be a skool director? He hed often bin thankful that he turned his face toward Ameriky the minit his time wuz out in the prison at Liverpool. Ther wuz less rls'ic in holdin ofHa in Nob York, than in burglary in England, and the results Tfuz shoorer. Ther wuzn't much more speech-ni akin. The drinkin went on fast and furious tho, and ez I antissipated, before the twenty gallons wuz eggs- austed I wuz very drunk, and incapable uv any effort, mental or phys- ikle, and the others were in very much the same predicament. Four or five uv em did try to rouse me, to git more, but It wuz uv no use; they might ez well hev whispered Gray's Elegy in the ear of a dead mule. The most uv em slept, ez I did, on the flor.r till the mornin. I shel be happy here. I hev the steddy patronage uv two aldermen, three skool directors and four contractors, and when the Mayor gits the appintin uv the poleece there will te twelve poleecemen whose trade I 'kin count on. Ther in my back ro;m is where the preliminary caucussea for the ward Is held, and I shel be paid for wat the managers drink till ■I git an offis myself. At last my lires is cast in pleasant places. PETROLEUM "V". NASBY, (Wich wuz P. M.) The l^ASBY Letters. 143 MR NASBY EECEIVES A LETTEE FEOM DEACON POGEAM. 6th Ward, City uv Noo Tork, January 10, 1870. Yesterday I received the follow in letter from that old saint in trowsers, Deekin Elkanah Pogram. It was delayed a long- time, ez the Dee- kin directed it to "Rev." Petroleum V. Nasby. The letter carriers hedn't any idee that there wuz any man in the 6th ward who hed any title to that prefix. But I finally got it. I need not say that after readin it I closed my bar and hung crape onto the door. Oh, the demoralization of this cussid- age! But it wuz a comfort to hear from him. "Bz in water face ansereth to face, so the heart uv man to man." The tex shood reed, in Kentucky at least, "Ez in whiskey," &c., but I take no liberties with skripture. This is the Deekin's epistle: Confedrit X Roads, Ky., Dec. 2, 1869. My Dear Friend: — I avail myself uv the presence uv a young man fl-ora Injeany, who kin rite, to inform yoo ez to the condishun of things in yoor old home. Things is bad here and is rapidly growin wuss. Sence yoo left us it seems to me ez the kaos lied come agm, and that confooshen wus bein wuss confoundid. The first families hev lost their grip; niggers and ablishnists hev come in, and hev takln controle, and Confedrit X Roads Is no longer a place in wich a gentleman uv refinement and culture kin de- cently live. That infamous wretch, Joe Bigler, and that onmitgated pest. Pollock, is in partnership, at least Joe is sellin goods for Pollock, and his store is the resort uv all uv their class fur m iles around. The old settlers hev nothin watever to do with em. We wuz disposed to paternize em, but when Pollock refoozed to let goods vj-ich we hed bought go out of the store till they wuz paid for, and the next minit give credit' to niggers, we iudig- nantiy declined todeel with him. That indignity we woodent submit to. We indoost two merchants from Louisville to start blznis hert, but they didn't staiy long. They give credit, and their trade wuz consekently brisk, but they hed difficulty in renooin their stocks. When one uv em presented his bill to me, I told him indignantly that ef that wuz the way he perposed to do biznis, he mite ez well close. "W^hy," said I, "I mite ez well deel with Polloek." He ' remarktj insolently, that he wished I hed, dealt with Pollock, and flung hisself out uv my presence. Merchants are, ez a class, disgustinly mersenary. Bascom threatens to close down and leave us. He hez alreddy mortga- gis on all our land to its full valyoo, and sence the offises are all in the hands uv men who don't drink likker at all, he sez there ain't no money within his reech, and he can't carry us much longer. He sighs for the good old times under Johnson's administrashen, when all the money receeved by the Postmaster, the Collector and Assessor poured into his drawer. He is morose and gloomy, and waters his likker fearfully. I allez hev to take five or six drinks before I eKperlfence any sensashen. But these things is not the worst or most gloomy uv the signs uv the times. There's rooin ahed uv us. The chivalry uv the Corners hev lost all spirit. Only last week ther wuz a temperans lecterer advertised to make a speech in the hall over Pollock's store. "Shel this be permittid?" askt Bascom indignantly, bringin his fist down onto the bar till the classes rattled. 144 The Nasbt Lettees. - "Never!" shouted Issaker Gavltt and the others In the bar-room, who scentid drinks ahead. Bascom sot out the bottles; we all took suthln, and rusht toomuloh- usly to the hall. Too remember with wat eagernls we formerly, mobbed obnoxyas speekers? We wuzn't at all eager that nlte. "We only run a rod or two; our pace got down to a slow walk afore we reached the spot, and when we got into the hall we meekly sot down and listened to the heretikle cuss, and went away without heavin a stun at him. When Bascom reproached us for our lack uv spirit, I told him that wuz no yooSe. Men coodent mob anybody on sich likker ez he furnisht. It won't do to diloot when yoo hev sich biznis on hand. But that wuz not the most alarmin sign uv the degeneracy uv our people. Within a month two Methodist preachers hev held forth in this village, and neither uv em were liung or shot! What hope kin there be where such things occur? And wat is wuss two uv our old friends atten- dld their meetins, and immejitly they quit comln to Basoom's, and I notist their children yesterday with shoes on. Bascom sighed ez he seed It. "It's a mystry to me," he sez. "What is a mystry?" sez I. "Why, so long ez them men stayed with me all day, they hedn't no money to spend — ^now that they don't come no more, they hev money, but they waste it on shoes and I don't get it.' Why didn't nacher make men capable uv workin all day and drinkin all nite?" Ther ain't no change in me or mine, ceptln that my house Is somewhat smaller. At the beginnin uv the winter, we wuz compelled to yoose our kitchen for firewood, ez me and Jethro, my oldest son, cooden't procoor the labor to cut the winter's fuel. The niggers won't work for us. Next winter I spose the sittin room will go, then the wing wich we yoozed for a spare bed-room will follow, and ef I am not gone hentz by that time, I don't know, wat we shell do for more. The coil uv fate is titenin about me. The niggers up towards Garrettstown are akkoomulatin property rapid- ly, and they pay their taxes promptly, but wat good is that to Bascom? The offlshls is all abllshnists, and that money is diverted Into other than legiti- mate channels. These vandals hev macadamized a mile uv road between the Corners and Garrettstown, and built ^ bridge over the Run. Kin yoo blame Bascom for wantin to leave here? I he/ heard uv yoor success, and am glad uv it. Wood that I cood git Into suthln uv the sort! Wood my fate wuz different. But we can't all keep grosery. I shel stay here, and when all the people is gone I shel go down. Thank Heaven the time is not far ofC. Yoor friend, 1 ELKANAH POGRAM. P. S.— Ef yoo cood send me a two-gallon jug uv likker wich hez life into It I shood alluz remember it gratefully. After Basoom's watered stuff it wood be a gleeih uv sunlite after a long and tejus nlte. E. P. I laid down the old man's letter affected to teers. Water In the whis- key! Children with shoes, while old men lack sustenance! Macadam- ized roads! Bridges! Methodist preachers! Temprans lecturers! Abllsh- nism, these Is thy work! Thank Hevin, I am ankered where none uv these things kin be. I shel send the old man his jug. It will put him out uv his misery quicker, ^nd smooth his pathway to the toom. Besides, when he's gone wat I owe him Is settled. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich wuz Postmaster.) ~ ,, ' The Nasbt Letters. _ ■ -' 145 A WAIL OVER THE ADOPTIOlSr OF THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT BY THE OHIO LEGISLATUEB. 6th Ward, Noo York, • Jan. 24, 1S70. The passige uv the 15th Amendment by the Ohio Legislacher created a profound sensation in tliis immejit visinity. The news reached U3 in the afternoon, and that evenin a large meetin wuz held in the back room uv my grosery to express our views on the topic, the elect uv the Democrisy uv the ward bein present. I wuz uv course called to the chair, and Tom- ' my Mick Farland, who wuz wunst a reporter, till an overpowerln fondnis for likker preventld him from dischargin his dooties, and who, ez he kin write, hez since made a livin by actin ez Sekretary uv Dimekratic meetins in this ward, wuz made Sekretary. Terence O'Grath, who is an under waiter at the Astor House, remarked that his sole wuz filled with woe. The passage uv the Amendment by the Ohio Legislacher, settled the question uv nigger suffrage. From this time forward a menial race, only fitted by nacher to do menial offices for others, wood be placed on a ekality with him. It wuz degradin to the race uv freemen to wlch he belonged, and for one he wood never, no never, submit. Mr. O'Grath wood hev continyood his remarks, but he wuz cut short by the entrance uv the head waiter, who cussed him viggerusly for beln away from his place, and ordered him instantly to leeve. "Who's brushin the gentlemen's coats, and pullin on their boots,- and sich, while yoor here blatherin?" indignantly ejackilated the head man, ez Mr. O'Grath meekly left the room. Timmy Braunon, a, drayman, remarkt that he wuz entirely discouraged. Only last week he hed bin arrested and fined for beatin his hoss over the head with a dray pin, and now can nothin be dun to check these outrages? Thomas Patterson, Esq., a gentleman known in pugilistic circles ez "Patty the Lifter," wantid to know whether he wuz to be compelled to go to the polls twenty times a day beside niggers? "Blast my heyes," re- markt Mr. Patterson, vehemently, "I'll go back to hold Hingland first!" Mr. Phellm Malloy remarkt that so far ez Noo York wuz conserned he didn't know ez 'twood make any difference. He wuz entirely shoor that no nigger wood ever vote In the Sixth ward, anyhow, ez we don't allow only sich white men to vote ez we want to hev vote. But — " "But sposn they'll all vote the Dimocrathic ticket?" sung out the Al- derman. "That wooden't do us any good," retorted Mr. Malloy. "So long ez we kin repate ez often ez needs be, and stuff Into the boxes ez many votes ez we want, wat do want uv more voters? Wat he wuz about to say wuz, that while it wooden't affect us In Noo York, his sole run out in pity towards the Democrisy in the Abllshen Distriks who wood be. If he wuz compelled to vote with niggers, compelled to Stan by helplis and see the ballot-box degradid." At this pint there wuz a gineral expreshun uv joy, okkashund by the entrance uv Mr. John Sykes, who hed jist arrived from Sing Sing, where he hed bin encarcerated two years for burglary, wlch wuz complicatid with shootin the individjooel whose house he was burglin. His bein convicted and sentenced wuz owin' to the fact that he hed opposed the nomlna- shen ov the Judge afore whom he was tried. Mr. Sykes wuz uv course in- dignant, at the unfair treetment he hed experienced, but he wuz more pro- 146 The Nasby Letteks. / • 1 / ' foundly aftectid at the politikle sitooasTien than he wuz at his privit wrongs. "Thunder! To think," sed he, "uv such a mass uv ignorance, vishusness and crime bein elevatid up to us. Ef 'twant for spine little matters connectid with a lialf dozen house-breakins in Lunnu^, I'd go tack on the next steamer ez sails." And Mr. Sykes actilly wept. At this pint an unfortunit diffrence occurred. Alderman O' Fallon wuz offerin a reslooshen protestin agin the assoshatin uv free men with ^he low- er and more vischus classes ez tendin to corrupt the sanctity uv the bal- lot, when Mr. Patsey Carney entered. "Pay me the money ye promised me for the ten votes I brot ye off the emigrant ship last fall, ye spalpeen!" ejackelated Carney. "I've paid it twice ye blaggard, and be gorra there wuz only nine uv em, and one uv em wuz a legal voter, for wich ye hed no rite to ask pay for!" retortid O' Fallon. "To the divil wid yez!" remarkt Carney, goin for him. Uv course the entire meetin jined in the scrimmage. It lasted twenty minits, resultln in the breakin uv every chair in the room, a two-gallon jug, and twelve or fourteen heads. That relic uv Ablishen misrule, the Metropolitan po- leece, kum in and stopt the row, taki i away ten men, nine uv wich I knowd hed money in ther pockets, wich, hed they stayed an hour, I shood hev got. It wuz exasperatin. Two uv my stiddy customers who hed bin overcom.e early in the after- noon,' and who hed Jist got up out uv the straw wich I keep in a room for the accomodashen uv slch, insisted that they'd never consent to givln uv politikle power to the degraded wretches. They felt that the very prop- osishen was an outrage. "Besides," one uv em remarkt, "wat effect will the makin uv sich an array uv new voters hev upon the price uv votes? Ef they vote at all in this city they'll hev to vote with tis. Will they immejitly demand their share uv the offises? Imagine my bein arrestid for vagrancy by nigger poleeceraen!" And the bare thought so shockt him that he' rusht out Into the bar- room, and took a whiskey straight, f orgettin in his excitement to pay for it Resolooshens w^ere Introduced and "passed, denouncin the ackshen uv Ohio, and exhortin Noo York to stand firm in her rescindin uv the ratifi- cashen. Addishnel resolooshens wuz passed, demandin uv the Legislachei uv Noo York a strikly Dimokratic government. We insisted upon ' the immejlt repeel uv the Excise law, the Metropolitan Poleece laws, the laws preventin crooelty to animals, the health laws, the divldin uv the skoo] fund among the Catholic churches, and all the laws wich tend to keep Ab- lishnists in offls to the injoory uv the s'loon keepers uv Noo York. This last menshund clause wuz added at my instance. Ef the poleecemen on this beat wuz all taken from my patrons, ex they will be when the change flnelly comes, wat a good thing I wood hev uv it! Imagine twenty oi thirty men, all on good salaries, and with power to arrest and go througl Jest sich ez they pleese, and all uv 'em spendin half or three-quarters u\ their time in my bar-room! Majestic prospeck! Governor Hoffman wooc insist upon hurryin' up this thing ef he realized how much we who elec- tid him are losin by his non-aokshen. My blznis is tollable omy. My customers are gettin Into 'a' habit u\ remarkin to me, "Jist mark it down," after takin a drink, wich, sence 1 stand on the inside uv a bar, I find to be a most disgustin thing. Anc then my custom is bein divided. Sence the Dimocratic victry In Novem ber makes a change in the control uv the city certin, five stores In th! ■ " " ■ Tub Nasbv Lectrrs. 147 immejlt vicinity uv my place hev bin ehaneed Into e'loosa, ana each one Iraws suthin from me, But yet I make no doubt I ehel git along. My landlord will be g, candidate for Aldei'man next spring, and he pan't afford to bother me much for rent, and I am busy establlshin a credit at a half- dozen wholesale llkker stores. I shel worry along. PEPROLBUM V. ."ho it crushed. E( the t)imocrats in that city don't want to be crushed, let em git out. McPelter yeelded with a sigh, and we entered the city, Bascom smllln a grim smile ez he put his foot on its pavements. "Reel estate will be cheaper here to-morrow!" he remarked, glancin at the buildins on either side uv the street. "I may possibly conclood to in- vest to some extent myself. When Kentucky refooses to trade with Cin- cinnati, its days is numbered. We'll buy it up and re-popilate It with Kentuckians. " The next momin we commenst our work. "We will begin," sed Bascom, "on the likker merchants, they bein more intimitly connectid with us. We'll crush the likker merchants first by refoosin to trade with em, from this time out." And we en- tered the first rectifyin establishment we come to. We didn't go very far into it. The proprietor advanced to meet us— Bas- com glanced at him — he glanced at Bascom — the proprietor turned red, Bascom turned ez white as a sheet, and darted for the door, McPelter and I follerin soot, without knowin precisely wat for. Down the street we rushed, the proprietor close behind us, till finally by dartin down an alley we elooded him and leaned up agir a wall to breathe. "Why this foot-race?" I askt uv Bascom. "I owe this cuss a bill for likker bought the year afore the war," re- turned he. "I didn't notis his name over the door or I shoodn't he-v gone in." McPelter whissled a long, low, soft whissle, and I coodent avoid think in uv several things connected with our mlshun ez he spoke them words. After breal^In ourselves, we resoomed our raid onto the merchants We entered another store, a boot and shoe concern, wich we perpoosed t( crush by declinin to buy uv it. McPelter's eye rested onto the propri etor, and he glided out uv the store like a startled fawn. Uv course Bas com and I follered, and the proprietor after us. There wuz another chase and more dodgin, wich resultld .ez before. "Why is this?" I asked uv McPelter. I "When I bustid in the boot and shoe trade, two yeers ago, this villali wuz my principal creditor. He thought I wuz dead, but ez he's seen mi In the flesh, I shel never agin hev any peece." The next place we essayed wuz a genral dry goods store and noshei The Hasby Letters. 149 house. Jlst ez we pulled the resolooshen from our pockit to'^read it to the proprietor uv the store perdoosed a note uv Elder Gavltt (Issaker's father), Ion wioh I wuz bail, and we tried to dust out uv that place. But by this itlme Bas9om and McPelter's men hed found out wher we wuz, with a skore or more uv others who hed heerd uv our bein in the city thro these, and the thing got so hot that we hed to run for it, and run we did. Fearin 'all sorts uv legal annoyances about obtainln goods under false pretences, et settry, we didn't stop till we hed got well out uv the city, and the next day we hailed a boat a^d sailed for Looisville. I can't say that our visit resultld in accomplishln. wat we desired. We didn't git a chance to read our resolooshen at all, owin to the ooopidlty uv the merchants who, with a grovelin, mersenary spirit wich I never saw ekalled, appeared to be more anxious to git wot we already owed em than to listen to rseoloshens declinin to trade with em, or to open new accounts and Cincinnati don't know to this day the doom wioh hung over her. "We sed very little uv the result uv our trip on our return. MoPelter did intimate that radicalism hed reseeved a stunnln blow from wich* it wood never recover, but we declined to go into pertikelers. I shel nevei: go on sich a mishun agin. Is there an openln for me too In Noo York? I'm weary uv life here. Faithfully, BLUER POGRAmI Blessed Saint! Almost marter! Hed--he bin arrested in Cincinnati for obtainln goods under false pretences, and hed he died in a Basteel, wat a fittin climax to a life so crowned with beauties! And hed he so died my debt to him wood hev bin cancelled. But we can't expect to hev every- thing arranged to soot us. 1 shall write the aged saint a letter uv con- gratulashen on his happy escape. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wioh wuz P. M.) THE PEOCLAMATION OF THE FIFTEENTH AMENDMENT. Harp uv Erin S'loon, 6th Ward, Noo York, April 2, 1870. The proclamation uv the President announcin the ratiflcatlon uv the fifteenth Amendment perdoosed a profound sensation in this Ward. It wuz told to our people by a reporter uv a daily paper at 11 o'clock this mornin, and it got pretty well around among us by 3 this afternoon, ■wich wuz tollably rapid, considerin that intelligence in this Ward hez to be conveyed orally. In the afternoon it was resolved that a meetin be held in the evenln to consult ez to wat ackShen the Dimocrisy shood take in the matter, wich wuz akkordingly so done. I hgd the back room lit up, the barrels moved into a safe place, un- der the strongest kind uv locks, and the bar closed, and draped in mournin in token uv the hoomiliashen wich' I felt had fallen onto the people in consekence uv this outrage. I hung crape unto the door; I put crape around the portraits uv Jaxon, Chief Justis Chase, Bookannon and Pernandy Wood, and like- wise around the bottles and over the red-headed barrel, wich gave the establishment a highly funereal and mournful look, wioh wuz entirely satisfactory. ^ In the tvenin the Dlmocracy assembled, and a more enraged .gatherin I never saw. They wuzn't jist clear as to wat the President hed 150 The NasbV Lectbes, ' " ' ■ ' ' ' r ' ; | /'. ' flone; Indeed the most uv em wuz labrln under t^e im- preshn that the enfranchisement uv the nigger wuz the work uv Uic Democratic Leglslacher at Albany, and ther wuz Indlcashens uv a deter- mlnashen to go thro some of the houses uv the Dimocratic membe"rs ir this city, but I stopt em by tellin em the strate uv it. I asoomed the chair, uv course, and hed, in addishen, to do the dooties uv Sekretary, bein the only one then in the meetln who cood write. Teddy McGinnis remrked that he felt a hoomiliashen wich wuz actoo- ally beyond expreshen. The dirty nagur wuz now his ekal. The only dif- ference between em hed bin removed by this Infamus law. Does any one spose that he'd Iver consint to vote all day beside niggers? Niver! He called upon the .Dimocracy to jine in a, croosade agin em. "Follow me,') sed Teddy, "snd in Noo Torrick, at least, -we won't be bothered with nagui suffrage, be gorra." Pat McLaughlin held simlar views. Sooner than vote beside nagurs he'd relinciuish the bisnis uv votin altogether, and go to sawin wood. Re- peetin is a good enough biznis, and the small conthract wich he hed.ez a re- ward therefor wuz better, but he coodent stand ' nagurs, nor woodent, His voice wuz for killin uv em. The others made similar speeches when Sandy McGuire offered a reso- looshen that the offerin uv a vote by a nagur be considered ez a declar ashen uv war agin the Democracy uv Noo York, and that they then be Immegitly be exterminated. Sandy wuz for no half-way measures. He re- membered the glorious Jooly days in 1863, when the Democracy uv Noc York asserted itself. He hed assisted in destroyin the nagur orphan asy- lum; with this good rite hand he had beat out the brains uv two nagurs) to say nothin uv the wimin and children wich he didn't consider worti countin. . He longed to git at em agin. The meetin be all so yoonanimus in their feelin, I wrote the follerid resolooshens: Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York considerin and beleevir the nigger to be a beast, a burlesk on hoomanity and incapable of dis- chargin any uv the dooties uv citizenship, do hereby protest agin his belli give the ballot on a ekality with white men. Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Noo York ruther than submit to thii degredashen pledges itself to the exterminashen uv the accussid race. The resolooshens wuz adoptid without a. dissentln voice, and the en thoosiastic McGuire, brandishin his shillala, rusht out and aitackt a couple uv niggers wich wuz passin, and knockin em down, stamped onto en vigrously with his boots, exclaimin the while, "Want to vote, do yez?" The meetin wuz about to break up, when Tim O'Grady, a man u\ Fernandy "Wood's, come rushin in. He hed heard uv the meetin, and com< Immejitly to see about it. I told him in a breath wat hed bin don^ "Thunder!" he remarkt to me in a whisper, "this won't do. Yoo eggrejiii old ass, the niggers hev votes, and will vote now In spite uv us. We mus git em, for without era, with all the rebels disfranchised, wat kin we do li the Southern States? Call the meetin to order agin." I didn't like the tone uv his alloosion to me, but I called the meetii to order onct more. O'Grady remarked to em that there hed bin a misunderstandln. Hi felt ashoored that the Dimocrisy uv Noo York, alluz the friends uv thi oppressed and down trodden, wood now genrously extend a helpin hand ti our colored brethren jist elevated to full citizenship. The Dimocrisy he( * ■'. The INasby Letters. . 151 not assisted In their elevashen, but they hed no feclin agin our brethren •uv color. When our colored brethren come to ar-Oyze the matter they wood love the Dimocrisy the move for not doin uv it. He wood move the substitooshen uv the foUerin resolooshen for the one wich hed bin unad- visedly passed: Resolved, That the Deraocriay uv Noo York hail with a, feelin uv pleasure wich we hev no words to express, the elevashen uv our colored fellow-citizens to full citizenship, and that we pledge ourselves to perfect em in the enjoyment uv their newly found rites. The meetln didn't want to pass IL The feelin agin em wuz too deep sot to be rooted out in a minit, but O'Grady wuz determined. O wat a mlnlt wuz that! Wuz the niggers to be killed by us, or wuz they to be taken to our buzzums? Ther fate hung tremblin in the balance. Finally it wuz put to vote, and the niggers wuz safe. By one majority the resolu- shen wu3 passed. At that minit a groan wuz heard outside. "What Is that?" asked O'Grady. "Some nagurs I jist now bate!" remarks McGuire. "Beatin niggers!" sed O'Grady. "Good Lord! bring em In!" And he rushed out and brought in the two unfortunates. They were badly banged up about the face, and breast, and stvimick, and legs, but O'Grady wuz ekal to the emergency. He washed their wounds and re- vived em with whiskey, and bound up ther sores, and finally sot em on ther feet. "McGuire!" sed he, when he hed the work finished, "McGuire, embrace em." McGuire hed his shillala in his hand. Never did I see a man so torn with tender emoshens. Nateral instinks impelled him to drop that shillala on their heds ez usual, but politlkle considerashens restraned him. Twict under O'Grady's eye he lowered it, until at last he dropt it, and fell sob- bin with emoshen onto their buzzums. I took the crape off the door, bottles and picters, and immejitly illoo- minated in honor uv the event,- and the next mornin I put up a placard on my door, "No distinkshen at this bar on account uv color. Ekal rites!" The ward committee Is takin prompt and vigerous ackshen to sekoor this vote. They hev adoptid the same means they yoose to control ther other vote. They hev already startirl ten s'loons run by colored men, to wich they give all the profits, and ar3 arrangin for ten more. There will be a nigger or two put onto the police to wunst. The force will be in- creased enuffi to make room for thes; new ones, ez we darsn't discharge any uv the Irish. I'm goln for em also. Those wich I kin git to drink my likker will vote my tikket. It will fetch em sure. _ . PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich wuz Postmaster.) THE CHINESE QUESTION CONSIDERED. Harp of Erin S'loon, Sixth Ward, New York, July 6th, 1870. I saw In a noosepaper that seventy-five Chinese hed located theirselves in North Adams, Massychoosits, and therein I saw a gleem uv lite for the Dimocrisy. Here, sed I to myself, is riohnis! Here Is wat will wunst more fire the Democratic heart and rouse Dimokratic indignation. The 152 , The Nasby Letters. - ! Dlmocrlsy must alluz hev an Inferior race, and now that we've lost the nigger, Providence steps in at the nick uv time and furnishes us the China- man. I sought out the Dlmocratic Central committee uv our ward, and called a meetln uv "all labrin Amerikans uv the 6th Ward opposed to the interduckshen uv forin pauper labor into Araeriky." Teddy O'Kyan, wich runs the Shamrock S'loon next door to mine, and Dennis O'Shaugh- nessy, and Pat O'Flynn, and Jemmy O'Fallon, and Terrence McCoole, and Jemmy O'Brien, all uv em runnin S'loons in the block the Harp uv Erin Is located in, entered into the matter with sperit. We're rivals in biznis, but, thank Heaven, in politics we kin act together ez a unit. Our interests are identikle. We tried to git some shoemakers and brick masons and sich to at- tend the meetln, but they all inslstid they wuz too bizzy. In the evenin the meetin wuz convened in the back room uv the Harp uv Erin, Teddy O'Ryan In the chair, and Dennis O'Shaughnessy (bar ten- der for Pat O'Keefe), secretary. A committee on resolutions wuz appoint- ed, consisting uv Jemmy O'Fallon, Patsey McShane, and Jimmy Sheeney. The chairman remarkt that the oomin uv the barbarious Chinese to 'the Eastern States hed filled him with profound alarm. Ez a labrin man he sollumly protested agin bringin forin pauper labor to these happy shores to compete with us. With all his sole he protested agin this importashun uv poverty-driven furriners to Ameriky. He hoped the meetln wood do Its dooty In this matter. He wood Interdooce to the meetin Mr. Jean Jacques La Tourette, a gentleman uv North Adams, Massyohoosets, where this outrage agin Amsrikin labor wuz bein perpetrated. Mr. La Tourette riz and addresst the meetin in French, ez he coodent speak English, he hevin bin in this couptry only ten months. We pro- coored a Frenchman who cood speek English, who translat- ed him for our beneilt. Jlr. La Tourette ren.arUt that the principal thing labrin men hed to contend with wuz importid pauper labor. The Chinese wioh hed bin adventld in North Adams wuz a inferior race wich cood live on nothln, and cood consekently work for nothln. They hed none uv the habits and tastes uv civilization. They did not driijji likker; in fact one uv em, Ching Choy, didn't know what likker wuz. (Ex- preshuu uv disgust from the entire assembly.) One hundred uv his people hed bin indoost ten months ago to come to the Yoonitid States from Low- er Canady by the promise uv ekal rites. Them wich emigrated with him from Lower Canady hedn't any thin in partikeler to eat in that ', country and still less to wear; In fact half uv em wuz bein supportid by the parish authorities. We come to the Yoonitid States, the manufacturers payiig our fare on the railroads, expectln to find a land uv good wages and plen- ty. Wat hez bin the result? Why jest ez we hed all -jined the CrlspinSr and established who shood and who shood not labor in North Adams, and likewise wat wages shood be paid, and how they shood be paid, but before we got control uv the books uv the concern, we are confronted with forrin, pauper labor brought from a forrtn shore, and we are out in the cold. Mr. La Tourette remarked that when he sed "we" he spoke uv his associates. He didn't labor hlsself— he wu.?; a friend of humanity, whose biznis it wuz to organize laborin men agin the encroachments uv capital. i:)rnnis O'Shaughnu'j.),'. our- K<,-k]etaiy wanted to know wat wages wuz paid tiiem ignerant Chinese. Mr. La Tourette ansered about 22 cents a day, wich anser, ez It wuz The Nasby Letters. 163 •onsldered essenshel to put on record, I wrote down, ez Mr. O'Shaughnes- jey's early educashen hed bin neglected. "Gov'wi Ijord!" ejackllated Teddy Ryan, "that's only two drinks and a fifth! We want no slch labor ez that." Father McGrath, after glvln notice that next Sunday a beautiful gilt (mage of St. Boniface, wloh hed bin presentld his church, wood be displayed for the adorashen uv the devout, demanded that the most strln- gentest laws should be passed preventln the Immigrashen to this country uv heathen and idolEttors. He bleeved In religious tolerashen, but the IJee uv a joss-house being erectld in Noo York filled him with alarm, and Jie wood prevent It by all the power uv the law. Jemmy O'Fallon reportid the foUowin resolooshens: Wereas, Certain blotld aristocrats in Massyohooslts hev importld Ig- perant and degraded Chinese to take the place uv the labrers in that state, and Wereas, The leaders uv the Dlmocrisy uv Noo York Is the espeshl Ichamplons uv labor, therefore by the leaders uv the Dimocrasy uv Noo York be it # Resolved, That the Dlmocrisy hez alluz held that free labor is the safe- guard uv Amerikln liberty, 'ceptln South uv Mason & Dixon's line, wher it hez alluz seemed to us that labor shood be owned by the most dominant- est class. Resolved, That the Importashen uv forrin pauper labor Into Massychoo- sits Is an invashen uv the rites uv the Amerikin labrin class, wich shood be reslstid to the death. (Cries uv "Good for.yez. Jemmy!" "Bedad we'll all vote for thot!" "Let Jemmy O'Fallon alone for puttin a thing nately!" And under the excitement uv the moment the assemblage all jined in singin "The wearin uv the GrSen," ceptln La Tourette, who ■bust out into the Marseillaise hymn.) Resolved, That to the end that labor in this country may be free and unrestrlctid, we counsel our friends In North Adams to Imejitly kill all the 'Chinese, and all others who consents to work with em. Resolved, That Ameriky hez bin the refuge uv the opprest uv all na- shens, and ez we are determined that it shall alluz be such, we protest agin any Chinese comln in on any terms whatever. Letters endorsln wat we shood do for the coz uv labor wuz reseeved from Hon. John Morrissey, Hon. Benjamin Wood, Hon. Fernandy Wood and other distinguished friends uv labor. Patsy McShane eommenst a speech on the heenousnis uv Importin pau- per labor, wich wood hev hed a good effeck, blut Johnny McQuade, wich don't like him, interruptld by askin him how long ago it wuz that he and all his brothers and cousins wuz taken out uv a, work-house in Ireland and hed Their fare paid to this country by a raleroad company, and wheth- er when he landid he hed a decent rag to his back or a cint in his pockit. Mr. McShane retorted by wantin to know ef the McQuades, ivery mother's' son uv em, hedn't bin in the same fix. The argyment wuz conclooded by the two clinchin, and in a minit the entire assemblage wuz Indulgin in ez bootiful a fite ez I hev ever seen in Noo York. Nevertheless good wuz ac- complisht, ez we hev this labor movement fairly on its feet. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich wuz Postmaster.) me; NASBT LAMBNTBTH OVBE the election of 1870 IN NEW TOEK. Harp uv Erin S'loon, 6th Ward, Noo York, November 12, 1870. The eleckshun in Noo York Is over for wich Heaven be praised. My sole sinks within me when I look back and think uv the alarmin progress 154 The Nasby Letters. ^ ■ our wunst free country hez made in the direckshiin uv despotism — how gradually but how shoorly our rites are bein wrested from us. The last • eleckshun in Noo Tork wuz conducted in a manner wich calls a blush to my cheeks v henever I think uv it. The tyrant and despot who sit entrenched in state In Washington per- fected by bayonits hez persoomed to attempt to control an eleckshun by military power. Bayonits at an eleckshun! Bloo coated hirelins sent to a city to Inflooence an eleckshun! Noo York votin — not ez she pleases — but according to a law uv Congress, sed law being enforced by a debased and degraded soljery! Ez an Amerikln citizen I shudder at this and so does Teddy O'Rourke and Tim O'Shaughnessy, wich wuz judges uv the eleck- shun with me In our dfeestrick in the 6th "Ward. We hed bin notified by the chiefs uv Tammany the day before the eleckshun that soljers hed bin sent to the city whose blznis it wood be to see that everybody voted wha wanted to, and that we musn't refoose no- boddy. We took our seats in the mornin in a. state uv mental depreshun wich may be imagined, but can't be described. From time immemoral this deestrick hed bin yoonanimusly Dimocratlo, and it wuz the pride uv the Dimocrisy to keep it so. They hed a simple rod by wich it wuz managed. Ef a man offered a. vote whose name didn't begin with an O' or a Mc he wuz requested by the challengers to show his tickit to them. Ef he re- foosed, or, in the event uv his complying, ef it wuz anything but the strate Tammany ticket, he wuz clubbed about the head till he came to the conclooshun that he didn't care about votin, and got away ez soon ez possible. But all this was to be changed by the exercise uv broot forse on the part uv the tyrant Grant, and we hed bin "notified to yield to It! O'Shaughnessy and O'Rourke wept like children. There is in the deestrlct some thirty niggers, and the boys hed procoored clubs uv sooperlor strength an* length, expressly to meet the exigencies uv that case. The polls beln at my place, I hed procoored three barrels uv a pecoolyer whis- key with red pepper in it to inflame em to thd proper pitch for slch an emergency, and our other preparashens for a, fair eleckshun were made In a, most complete manner. We sat behind the ballot-box — me and O'Rourke and O'Shaughnessy. Before the box stands Patsy Farrel, Timmy O'Ryan, Jimmy Bonahue and a score uv others, all with a dozen drinks in em and new clubs In their hands. Up comes a man and offers a vote, givln his name ez Thompson. Last year the man by the name uv Thompson wood hev bin pounded Into a, jelly before the word hed escaped his mouth, for he wuz born In Con- necticut, and sich hez never bin allowed to vote at these polls. I see by the ticket wich he hands me that its a Republican ticket. Patsey Farrel raises his club, but I warn him by a look not to strike. I take the vote, put It in the box, with a sinkin sensa,.shun at the pit uv my stomick, and Thompson goes away unhurt. The knowledge that the poundin uv Thomp- son wood bring down upon us the bloo coted hirelins uv the military des- potism under wich we live, subjects the dee.striok to the disgrace uv re- ceivin a Republlkln vote from a Connecticut man! Good Lord! are we in free Ameriky or Austria? Free Ameriky, forsooth! But It didn't end with Thompson. Niggers came up and voted. The Inferior race hed the impoodenoe to fall into line with white men, and vote after them and before them. This cost us at least one hundred votes. Teddy O'Donnel hed voted twice on a contract he hed to vote eight times f The Nasby Letters. 155 i this polls. It so happened that each time he came up there wuz a nlg- er before him in the line, and one bibind him. The third time he came up |o vote the third name on his list, it wuz ez befofe— he wuz sandwiched n between two niggers. Indignant at this (and who kin blame him?), Ted- ly askt me ef this thing wuz to go all day? ef he wuz to be compelled ;o put in his other five votes behind n nigger each time, and be perventid ill day from killin one uv em? I soothed Teddy all I cood. I told him how it wuz— the situashen we vuz in, and begg'ed him to be pashent and endoor wat he coodent help. But he woodent. The chivalrio nacher uv the man wuz so stirred up hat he refoozed to vote agin. Rather than hev him lose his day's work took thy flv^ votes at wunst and certified for him that he bed voted em iz per contract, that he mite draw his money. I wuz not altogether dis- nterested In this either. The entire sum will be in my till in less than a ^eek, tor Teddy's wife manages to keep the children clothed, wich leaves ilm entirely free uv the more grovelin cares uv life. But I want it distinctly understood that this Interference uv the oli- fark at Washington didn't affect the general result a par- licle. We didn't count • the votes till late at nite, after fweed hed beard from the rural deestricks. A messenger come into the ■com and announced that everything ■(■.-uz ready now to be counted. "How much majority do you require uv me?" "Lemme see," said the messenger, running his finger down a list, "this s the sixteenth districk uv the Gth Ward. You are set down for 312 major- ty. Did you pole' that number uv votet;?" "No! only 270, and uv that number probably 40 wuz for Woodford." "That don't matter. Count em 312, and all for Hoffman. We hev bin oosin In some uv the rooral deestricks, and in some uv the wards in the ity, and it must be made up." This is perhaps ez shoor a. way uv doin it ez the other, but it isn't ez latisfactory to the people. It does away with the services uv a great many 'epeeters, wich hev alluz made a, livin by votin, and ez ther ain't no fight- > n at the polls, a great many shoulder hitters lack employment. Then Lgin, It is open to another objeckshun. We made the vote in this deestrick ^oonanimus for Hoffman. There hez more than thirty men of the dees- Wok who hev come out In the papers statin that they voted for Woodford, ^ith a view uv makin trouble. Uv CDurse, It won't amount to anything, :or we run the courts and everything else, in the state, but it's onpleasant tnd disagreeable. Ef these fellows hed bin knocked on the head when they [ffered their votes, ez hez bin the custom, they wood not be able to say low that they actllly voted for Woodford. But all this trouble results from the apathy and cowardls uv the )Imocrisy themselves. Hed we hed the nerve to hev shouldered muskits n 1864, and rescood Richmond from the grasp uv the Ablishnists— ef we led establisht the Confederacy ez we shood hev done, we never shood hev een our rites goin from us one by one. But we didn't do it, and we are drift- ti into a worse than despotism. In Noo York alone hev we any rites, and hem is bein assailed perpetooally. I shoodent wonder ef at the next, eleok- hun a Federal ofiicer shood hev the countin av the ballots! PETROLEUM V. NARBY, (wich wuz Postmaster.) ■^LMrM'l*6 156 ■ The Nasby Letters. ME. NASBT, DISGUSTED WITH LIFE, LEAVES NEW YOEK , . FOEEVEE. I Noo York, Deo. 12, 1870. The Harp uv Erin S'loon Is no more! The fire on its harth hez gone out — there is ashes there now — the lamp is lit no more, and in the place uv pleasant lite there is darknis. The bar is closed and the cheerful gurgle uv the bottles shel be heerd no more forever. The owner uv the bildin, Mr. Patrick Donahue, in wich the Harp uv Erin S'loon wuz locatid, wuz a candidate for Skool Eggsaminer, and he ex- pected to get the posishen confidently. He hed bin in this country three years last Joon, and hed prospered. The eggstraordinary feet uv votin twelve times the first eleckshen he participatid in brought him into notis, and gave him a contract for fittin up am armory, on wich he made enuft to purchls this bildin. To widen his polltlkle inflooence and to sekoor a place ez Skool Eggsaminer, Mr. Donohoe fitted up the room in wich I started the Harp uv Erin, and leased it to me, reservin to himself the di- reckshun and control uv the voters wich the bar controlled,, and also tha privilege uv his own likker at cost. So long ez his prospecks wuz biite ha did not ask me for rent, but after the late eleckshun There wuz a change, Tweed give the place he wanted to another man who hed adoptid thin country sence, who controlled two corner sloons and consekently hed mora inflooence, and the enraged Mr. Donohoe came down on me for rent imme> jitly. I coodent pay. Owin to the -fact that the tyranlole Federal Govern- ment preventid repeetin at the last eleckshun by broot force, there wuz absolootiy no money among my people, not a dollar. They hed all de- pended on receiving their yoosual pay for their fall's work, but their hopes wuz blasted. When I shoved my bills at em, they laft me to skorn. "Present it to the tyrant Grant wich preventid me from earnin any _ money on last eleckshun day!" wuz the invariable reply. Then I flew to my books, to see wat prominent workin Dimocrats owed me besides those wich I hed seen. I took my memorandum and called off the names, and my assistant, wich knows everybody, informed me uv their whereabouts as follows: "Patsey McGrath?" "In the State's Prison." "Dinnis McPadden?" "He's in the State's Prison." "Peter McGinnIs?" ' ' "In the State's Prison." • i ' "Tlmmy McShane?" c' "In the State's Prison." "Tom Barker?" "Bein tried for a State's Prison offence." And so on through the> entire list. The half of these men were servin out their time for various offences, si oh az house-breakin and highway robbery, and tother half, I ascertained, for violashens uv eleckshun laws. That last fact decided me that Noo York wuz no place for me, and that there wua no thin worth livin for. When Tamma,ny can't, or won't per-- tect its friends, I hev no heart to stay and work for her. While in this deprest condishun Donahue come in agin. "Pay yoor rent!" sez he. "Pase is the slave wioh pays," 1 retorted. The Ji^ASBT Letters. 157) "Too hev the rent wlch Is doo me ready by to-morrow mornin, or I'll lundle yoo out of this, neck and oropl" he returned, flingin hisself out uv the room In rage. "Ha! Ha!" I laffed, sardonically. , "Will yoo bundle me Qut— will yop? phis property is yoors— this bar and these flxters. Ha! ha! Too come to- morrer mornin, and see wat yoo will see." My mind wuz very promptly made up. I determined to make a holo- post uv myself— to commit soolclde— and to do it in slch a way as to make tny endin more glorious than my life had been. I determined to burn the bildin and expire in the flames. Calmly and deliberately I proceeded to- bonstruct my funeral pile. The counter and shelves I tore Sown and broke them up ez fine ez I cood, and piled f;he fragments Into the middle in the floor. I took from the wall my lithografEed portrates uv Andru Jackson, J. Davis, Salmon P. Chase and Geo. H. Pendleton, and remorselessly mashed them over the pile. [The flve glasses belongin to the establishment followed soot, knd the three decanters and the box uv pipes were involved in the gineral rooin. The stove I upset and broke, and the pipe I mashed ez flat ez I cood with my heels. To complete the pyramid, I rolled out the red-headed barel from under the bar, and up-ended that ppon the top uv the pile uv rooins, my intenshun bein to seat myself on the top uv the barrel, and settin the pie on fire, go up amid appropriate Burroundins, like Sardonapulis, who died amid the blaze uv the enTblems uv his lost empire. Ez I rolled the barrel, I heerd a gentle swash inside. Thank Heaven! thei;e wuz still llkker Inside uv It! Cood I lose that? No, indeed! I drawd it oft into a bottle; there wuz just a quart and a half uv it. I mounted the barrel, sung two verses uv the last campane song ez my dyin dirge, and puttin the bottle to my lips, swallered the contents, intendin to touch off the pile with a match. It wuz fortunate for the insurance companies that that bottle con- tained jest a quart and a. half. That quantity is jest a pint over my load, land to that fact the bildin owes its safety. I tried to strike a match, but failed miserably. I lost control uv my muscles. My brained reeled, my unsteddy hand grew powerless, and I sank back over the rooins insen- I Bible. I wuz awakened in the mornin, by a series uv vishus, vigrus and well directid kicks. M. Donohue stood over me administerin uv em, with a will and a unckshen that wuz wonderful in one so aged. He hed suspected that suthin wuz wrong; hed bustid in the door, and hed found me on top uv his wreckt property. I respectid his greef, and left his premises without Ireproachin uv him — I did not even resent his last kick wlch he gave me to assist me off the doorstep. I simply picked myself up out uv the gutter / and walked, slowly and with dignity away. I shel work my way back to Kentucky; Indeed I never shood hev left ^here. I shel throw myself on the tender mercies uv Deekin Pogram and Bascom, and ef they refooze to take me to their buzzoms, I shell find me another Cross Roads where I shel set up my tp,bprnacle. Ef I kin git a Etrate Dimocratic congregashen to preach to, I shel do it, for I prefer the clerical perfeshen; ef not, I shel start a grocery in some strictly Democra- itio community where the soil is strong and rich enufC to perdoose good jcrops without any work but plantin, wich the wimin can do. 158 1'he Nasby Lettekb. J I leeve Noo York forever. I bid Tweed and his servis adoo. I go never to return no more. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wioli wuz Postmaster.) ME. JSTASBY EETUENS TO THE COENERS. , , . Confedrit X Roads, (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), January 8th, 1871. "Home again! home again! from a furrin shore!" Thank Hevin. I'm wunst more on familyer ground — among the people wich I know thoroly, and who know and appresiate me. "My foot is on my native heath, and my name's McGregor!" Thank the Lord for Kentucky, and pertikeierly thank the Lord for that pertikeler village in it— Confedrit X Roads! I arrived here last night at perclsely eight o'clock, from Washinton Rite here I desire to express my opinion uv the railroad ofBshels betwixt Washinton and Looisvllle. There isn't a man among em wich is actoo ated by humane Impulses — not one wich has the finer feelings uv human- ity. The brootality with wich the conducters wood order two uv ther min- yuns to seeze me and drop me off ther tranes becoz I didn't have the reklsit funds to pay my fare, wuz hidjus In the extreem. And I can't say much more for the passengers — pertike- ierly them wich sat in seets contiguous. The irate conductor would frown — the brakemen ez they seezed me wood wear a pleased expression, but the passengers wood laff outrite. Sich triflin with one's poverty ia inhuman. But the soulless corporashens coodent pervent me from walkin on ther tracks — nor cood the conductors git me off ther train till I hed rid a haff dozen miles. Joodishus and vehement swearin that I hed a, tic- kit about me somewhere— and a protracted search for it wunst saved me 8 miles uv tejus walkin. Foot sore and weary I at last hove in site uv the Cross Roads, and made all speed for the Centre. All wuz still! The houses on each side uv the street wuz dark (for they won't yoose coal oU and sense they hev bin bereft uv ther niggers they hevn't raised hogs enufC to afford lard for lamps), but jist ahed, shinin like a beekon lite, wuz the cheerful winders uv Bascom's, all 'ablaze. Ez I seed them winders I cood realize the feelins uv the tempest-tost mariner makin harbor, or a traveler on the great desert approachin an oasis in wich ther wuz a gushin spring uv water. It was Bascom's! Ther wuz the two winders all aglow! ther wuz the familyer clap-boa^-d a hangin by one nail! there wuz old Evans a bein histed out becoz he took a drink without havin the money to pay for it. Every thin wuz nateral and normal. Njerer! neerer! I cood gaze thro them winders! Ther wuz Bascom behind the bar a leenln on his elbows; there was Deekin Pogram a. sittin on a cheer by the fire with a. glass uv hot whiske.y in his hand — ther wuz McPelter, Issaker .Gavitt, ■Pennlbacker— all, all uv em a sittin by the Are, and all of em with hot whiskey in ther hands. I entered, but none uv em recognized in the travel-worn stranger the once rosy Nasby, and none uv em moved. "Don't yoo know me — Nasby?" "Git out, yoo imposter!" sed they all in korious. "It is — no, it isn't — and yet!" sed Bascom, "I'll test him. Whisky, difli yoo say?" and he set out the familyer bottle. It wu,'5 a crttikle moment— my identity wuz at stake. Assoomln thfl The i'^ASBY Letters. 159 blank old expression, 1 poured the glass full, and drank It off without a wink. "G. W.," sed I with my old mijestlc wave uv the hand, "G. "W., mark it down." ■"'Tis he! 'tls'he!" ejackilated Bascom. "No other man livin kin do that in that way. Take another." Wich.I did. . The delite uv Deekin Pogram at seein me wuz techin. The old man throwd his wastid arms about my ne;k, spillin his likker down my back inside uv wher my shirt collar ought to hev bin, and wep for joy. llie stream uv hot whiskey meandered slowly down my body. "I wood prefer it shood go down inside," I sed; "but never mind. It's not all wastid — I shell absorb some uv it." Kernel McPelter, Elder Pennibacker and Issaker Gavitt crowded up and congratulatid me on my return in the most corjel manner. "We knowd yood come back!" sed Issaker, "no one ever leaves the Cross Roads wich don't come back." "Troo! too troo!" remarkt that cuss, Joe Bigler, who entered at tliat moment; "the man wich lives six years with sich ez yoo, and acquires yoor habits, can't live anywhere else, that is within the bounds uv civiliza- shen." I found things at the Corners very much ez I hed left em. My pertik- ler friends wuz all livin, and goin on percisely ez they alluz hed. Joe Big- ler wuz still alive, and wuz recognized ez the leader uv the niggers at the Corners, and Pollock wuz still retailin goods to em. They hed hed several exciting seasons. Pollock hed bought, ^ a year ago, a, water power on Buck Creek, neer the village, and a, farm adjinin, and he made a strenuous effort to start an iron works on it. The Innovatin wretch hed gone on to Massychoosits — hed enlisted a passel ot Yankee capitalists in the enterprise, and they hed abslootly gone on aiWl built the buildin an^ got in the heft uv th3 machinery, and wuz gatherin up operatives in the East to set it in oparashen. Issaker Gavitt diskivered one day that the few mechanics they hed read noosepapers, and Bascom found that there wuzn't a Dimocrat among them. The Corners, felt out- raged uv course and a meetin wuz called to take measures to stop it rite wher it wuz. Pollock and Joe Bigler sneaked into the meetin, and under- took to talk em out uv it. "It'll double the price uv yoor land!" sed Pollock. "And give the Ablishnists more valuashen to tax us on!" sung out Issa- ker Gavitt. "I shel never ^leeve my land—" commenst Pogram. "it's leevln yoo devlish fast, owin to yoor chronic thirst," interrupted Joe Bigler. "Deekin, wats the yoose uv yoor speekin in the land inter- est? Ef yoor venerable bilers hold together a few short months Bascom will hev wat few akers yoo hev left. Let him represent it." "Bz I shel never leeve my land," continyood the venerable Deekin, "wat do I keer wat Its vallyoo is?" "It'll break up our customs," sed Pennibacker. "They'll git turnpikes and ralerodes and skool-houses In next, and then wat quiet will we hev?" "But, Bascom, it'll make more customers for yoor bar," sung out Bigler. "Troo, but ther'd be more groceries to supply em. No! I hev all that I kin take keer uv, and I don't want no more. Down -^Ith these inter- lopers." 160 TSB NASBf LETTEftS. "Down with the interlopers!" sang out all uv em," and headed by thi venerable old Pogram they went for the works. They hacked down the comer-posts— they tore off the roof, they rippe( out the machinery that wuz in it, and broke it up, and wuz about to thro' it into the Creek, when Bascom shouted in a loud voice: "Old iron is worth two cents a pound at my bar!" Deekin Pogram stood with a seokshun uv a wheel uplifted ready t( hurl It into the water, but at those magic words he held his hands. "G. "W.," said- the agld saint. ■ "G. "W., will yoo give us likker at reglai rates for sich iron ez we bring yoo, or will yoo mock our yernins by takiij the Iron and givin us credit for it on account? G. W., spea;k!" "I'll give likker for it!" exclaimed Bascom. "I'd rather do that thar to keep on chargin." "Immejitly there wuz a scramble for the iron — it wood buy likker, anc wuz at wunst a preshus metal. In ther zeal to gather it they come t(j blows. Issaker Gavltt and Kernel McPelter fought over a piece that T'eighed ten pounds, and that old ass, Elder Pennebacker, neerly drowndid' hisself divin for a seckshun uv a balance wheel that he hed previouslj thrwed into 15 feet uv water. He wuz pulled out neerly dead and weepir perfusely. "It weighed 300 pounds," he gasped. "Et I cood hev raised It, I cood hev kep comfable four days." ' They laft at him, but it wuz wrong, and hed I bin there I shood hev rej booked em. I know wat it is to go without any reglar rashens, and wat a cruel disappointment it Is to see four days' supply within sight, but jest out of reach. I shood hev gone for that iron myself. They made a clean thing of the works. They tore down the bildln, and] tore up the dam, and destroyed the cabins uv the workmen. The company and Pollock became disheartened, and wisely conclooded not to rebild, and so the Corners wuz saved. • The Radicals hed attempted to hev the niggers vote and a mlshnary so- siety hed undertook to bild a skool-house. The niggers did vote, for Joe Blglep stood at the poles threatenin to shoot the Judges ef the vote uv a| single one uv em wuz refoosed, but It didn't amount to anything. The judges took the box ta a quiet place, where Joe coodn't get at em, anc threw out every one uv ther votes. The skool-house wuz more easily di& posed uv. Ez fast ez the iriishnaries wood bild a bildin. It wood mysterl^ ously take flre at 3 a. m. and quietly consoom. The Sosiety got tired u\ tryin to revolutionize the Corners and abandoned it. Ez these things wuz told me, I wept teers uv joy. "Too hev kept the faith," I sed, "jest ez well ez tho I hed bin with yoo. Bless yoo! — bless yoo!" We didn't break up till late in the nite. In honor uv my arrival Deekin Pogram squandered the last piece uv 'cast-iron he hed left— a part^ uv a lathe wich he hed bin savin for some desprit emergency. I went home with him, and am yet domiciled under his hospitable roof. Wat I shel finally do ain't settled. I may organize a church— tha people wanted me to start a grocery in opposishen to Bascom, but wheiJ I askt em to advance the capital they askt wherefore? "Bf I hed capital,", they all exclaimed In unison, "I'd start a grosery myself." And then I found that the reason why they wantid a new groserj wuz Bascom's growln Indishposishen to give long credit, wieh the Corned must hev. I kin see nothin in It. Bascom hez alreddy a first mortgage o^ all the land for five miles about, and ez they ain't got no niggers to wort Thi Nasbt Lettem. 161 uv course they get no crops uv any akkount. Bascom sez ef they want a church orfeanizashen, he will keep me in likker, that Is modritly, pervided the others will give me wat little I want to eat, and I spose that's wat I shel hev to c|o till suthin better turns up. But thank Heaven I am here, and it will be singler ef I don't And enufC to drink, and to eat, and to wear. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, P. M., (wioh.wuz Postmaster). r il THE COENEES ACCEPT THE "PASSIVE POLICY." Confedrlt X Roads, 'j (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), November 24, 1871. We hev heard uv Ohio, Pennsylvany, Noo York, and a number uv Jther states, at the Corners, and are satisfied that suthin hez got to be done Cor the Dimoorisy. The entire yoonanimity with wich the country hez pernounst agin us. Is one of the most remarkable things wich ever oc- curred to me. I endoored Ohio; I stood firm under Pennsylvania, but when Noo Tork went agin us, I felt that all wuz lost, when the Dimocrlsy uv Noo York lose confidence In Tweed to the extent uv jinin hands with the Ablishnlsts. I felt that it wuz uv little difference wat happened there- after, and I took my drinks mechanically, like one stunned. So dazed wuz I that for a week after the elections, I didn't accept Invltashuns to drink over half the time. I notice that the Noo York World and other leadin Dimocratl<; papers are urgin the i>olIcy uv not nominatin a Dimocratlc candidate for President in 1872, but uv allowin the Dimocrlsy and all the elements wich don't like Grant, to yoonlte and run a Independent candidate., I agree with the World. I am satisfied that the Dimocrlsy kin never elect a, Dimocrat In 1872. It seems clear to me that the Indicashens are that the people don't want no Dimocrat to fill that poslshen, and I am content to bow to the will uv he people. The Dimoorisy alluz bow cheerfully to the will uv the people when they can't possibly rebel, and that appears to be our situashen jist now. I therefore accept the passive policy, and am convinst that the Dimocrlsy shood not, as a party, nominate a candidate for the Presi- dency, but shel, to save the country from impendin rooin, relinquish their party organlzashen, and co-operate with sich uv the Republikins ez are dis- featlsfled with the Admlnlstrashen, to overthrow the present tyrannical Ad- ministrashen and Inoggerate a reign uv curity. My noshen wuz emi- nently strategical. It wuz to make a pjatform, wich sed nothin In per- tikeler, and put onto it a man nobody ever heerd uv, and depend for the Kucher upon the fact that he hed bin elected by Dimocrats, and wood hev to take his tone from them. I communicated this Idea to the Dimocrlsy uv the Corners, and a meetin wuz held to give shape to our thought on this subject. I opened |,the ball by Introdoosln the foUeren resplooshen: r Whareas, It seems tolably certin that ef we, the Dimocrlsy, shood nominate a candidate, he wood, in all human probabilities, be whaled out uv his boots, and "^ Whareas, While we ought to be somewhat yoosed to the whalln process (y this time, we hev never yet got to likin It, therefore ■' Resolved, By the Dimocrlsy uv the Confedrit X Roads, that In their opinion, the Dimocrlsy uv the Yoonlted States, In a sperlt uv liberality, 162 The Nasby Letters. and actooated solely by a desire to rescue the country from impendin da ger, shood decline to make nominashens for the offices uv President ai Vice President, but shel Jine hands with dissatisfied Republikins, Labor E formers, Temp^ance men, Civil Service Reformers, and sich other pe pie ez object to Radicalism, on the basis, solely, uv opposlshen to Rac calism. Here the thing shood hev ended. This resolooshen shood hev pass( and the meetin shood hev adjourned. But Deekin Pogram hed got a ma got in his head, and he wantid a resolooshen added ez follows: Resolved, That the Dimocrlsy will not ask for the nominashen uv Bimocrat, but they must insist that the nominee pledge hlsself to undy hostility to the 14th and 15th amendments, and to all the measures uv r, construckshen, inventid and enforced by the Republikin party, and short the entire Radical policy concernin the nigger, from the Bmancip shen proolaraashen down to date. And the idiots passed it yoonanimously, and before the Deekin hi sunk into his seat, Bascom, to my horror, moved the adopshen uv tli resolooshen: Resolved, That the Dimocrisy will not ask the nominashen uv a Dim crat, but the nominee uv the jint allies must pledge hisself to the rep diashen uv the unholy nashnel d^bt, and to all the flnanshel measur uv this administrashen and that uv the late A. Linkin. Ef is is consider! advisable not to go the whole flgger uv repoodiashen, the nominee sh pledge hisself to at least make the debt worthless by adoptin Pendl ton's greenback dodge or suthin equivalent. That v,'iiz adoptid with loud cheers, despite all I cood do, and immejit Capt. McPelter arose. He sed he wuz pleased at the perceedins. The 11 erality uv the Dimocrisy in surrenderderin their organizashen, uv layin he mite say, on the altar uv their country could not be too highly cor" mended. He wood sejest, tho, that the nominee, whoever he might I shood be required to pledge hisself to prokoor the repeal uv all Ku Kh legislashen, to never in any way interfere with the whites uv the South wat they might desire to do, and perlikelerly to hev to wunst the U on whisky and tobacco repeeled. There wuz no yoose of tryin to stop it and I didn't. Elder Pennibaek wuz satisfied to nominate some one not a Dimocrat, but the convenshi wich nominated him should put him on a platform in wlch Free Trade, o position to National Banks, and State Rites shood be the princip planks. It wood be a severe trial for him to vote for a man who wuzr a. Democrat, but on these condishuns he wuz willin to. make the sacrific Issaker Gavitt then sprang to his feet and remarkt that he had a woi to add; we had been in the vaTley and shadder so long that he wuz will to make a sacrifice uv his f eelins. He wood vote for a man who wuz not Democrat,- but — on this pint he wuz inflexible — the Post Offices must be the hands uv Democrats, and not only the Post Offices but the other office ("Hear! hear!" from every man in the room who had lent me money, Ba corn's voice being heard above the others.) This wuz his ultimatum, the nominees of the allied forces will accept the condishuns laid down t night, and pledge hisself fully and unreservedly on this pint, he wuz I man, but not otherwise. He wuz not too proud to say that he wanti his coUectorship back, ez McPelter wants his assessorship, and our belov parson his post office. Without them uv wat avail iz triumphs? Paul mi plant and Apollos may water, but uv wat avail Is the plantin and water unless we get the increase? ; The Nasbt Letters. 163 I lay back in my seat, gaspln with rage, when Joe Blgler, the especial pest uv the Corners, arlz. He- remarkt that he hed never In the whole course uv his life, seen slch a self-sacrlficin body, uv men. The spectacle Df a lientucky Democrat who cood voluntarily perpose to vote for a man Bho wuz not a Democrat, wuz one calculated to make saints weep with joy and angels shout "glory." He knowd the Dlmocrlsy uv the country wood accept the acksiien, for ef they didn't happen to like the nominee, the resolooshen passed, wich the sed nominee wood hev to accept, wood klver him like a cloak. It wuz a, wise policy, and one wich wood win. The -Dimocrats cood vote for the platform, and the others for the man, and so all cood be satisfied. But he wuzn't agoin to allow the Dlmocrlsy to be so severely tried. Ther wuz but one man in the Toonltid States fit to stand on sich a platform, and he Insisted that that man shood be de- clared ez the choice uv this meetin for the nominashen. That man he wuz proud to say wuz Jefferson Davis. I sprang to my feet to stop -this, but it wuz too late. The Cross Koads hev bin so long in the habit uv hurrahin at the bare meshun uv that name that the wildest shouts rung through the meeitin-housie, and when Blgler moved that his resolooshen be added to the others and they be adoptid ez a whole, the vote wuz emphatic and yoonanimous, and the meeting immediately adjourned. It wuz no use to abuse anybody, and I didn't. Wat does Bascom, Ga- vitt, Deekiri Pogram and McPelter know uv the country outside uv the Corners?— wat do they know uv politikle strategy? I did intimate to Joe Blgler wat business he hepl in a Dimocratic meetin, to wich he replied, "Bless you, Parson, I thought It wuz a meetin uv dissatisfied Republikins ez well ez Dimocrats." The resolopshens, Davis and all, will, I suppose, be publisht all over the North, wich, uv course, ends my hopes uv a independent party move- 'ment. Will it be any better in the Nashnel Independent Convenshun? Kin we nominate sich a man ez Chase, for instance, without so kivrin him with Dlmocrlsy ez to make him smell jest ez fragrant ez tho he hed alluz bin with us? Ain't our party run by Pograms and Bascoms and Gavitts? I fear so. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (wich wuz Postmaster.) AK APPEAL TO THE PEOPLE. Beet Station, (Wich Is In the State uv Illlnoy), October 4, 1873. I hev appealed to the people a great many times in my day, generally with very poor success. The people hev a most disgustin habit of payin ^no attenshun watever to my appeals — in fact, ef they notis them at all, it is generally to go and do, precisely the opposite uv wat I want 'em to (do. But I'm goln for em agin. Men and brethren: Only about two weeks elapse afore the eleckshuns (take place in several uv the States, and in November the balance uv em hist their ballots. The question wich I put to yop is, how are yoo goln to ^Ischarge this momenchus dooty? ffff I implore yoo ez yoo love yoor country, to restore to power the an- feent Democracy, for wich I urge the following reasons; 164 The Nabbt Letters. 1st. The Democratic party Is an honest party— that Is so far as th( Nashnel Treasury is concerned. Sence 1861 the Democratic party he: no robberies uv the Nashnel Treasury to anser for, onless it may be a fey millions doorin that oasis, Androo Johnson's administrashen. Our handi hev been clean for twelve yeers— and our pockets likewise. Ef yoo asl why our hands are clean— I shel refooze to anser. Bf yoo remark that wj haint stole nothin coz we didn't hev a chance, I shel pint proudly to thi fact that for twelve yeers— ceptin doorin Johnson's administrashen— ou! hands hez bin clean, and shel demand that we be recognized ez the partj uv purity. 2. In the Democratic party ther kin be no starvashen for the want u' principles. "We hev the largest stock uv prinsiples and the most divers that wuz ever, offered by any party since parties wuz Invenjid. We cai accommodate the most fastidyus and soot any taste. To the farmer o Illinoy and Iowa who is sufferin frm the extorshen uv railroads, we he^ Bich sympathisers with labor ez Ignashus Donnelly, and me, who extent our callused hands and jlne with em in the name of Dimocrisy In de mandin releef from the monopolies wich is eatin em up. In Noo York an( theEasi, where we are somewat interested In railroads, we offer the peopl Vanderbllt, Jay Gould, and me,, who hev no hesitashen in sayin that e railroads is the very foundation uv the prosperity uv the country, he wh wood lift his hand agin em is an agrarian disturber. We offer the farmer| uv the West free trade with our rite hand, and the manufacturers u'| Noo England and Pennsylvania, a high protectiv^e tariff with our left. W accept nigger suffrage in the North, and damn it in the South, doin bot with a vehemence that sometimes surprizes me. In Noo York ''we deman addishnel banks— in the West we want hard money— on the lakes and ri^ ers we alluz will demand Internal improvements — on the broad pf'alries w denounce any sich swindlin uv the people at large to build up pertiklaj seckshuns. In short, like a second-hand clothin store, we hev an assortment u everything, wich enables everybody to pick out eggsackly wat soots hin Doth the capchus critic observe that there is a loosenis In this? Not s all. Ef A. B. wants to go to the legislacher or to be county treasurer it I A. B.'s blzness to ascertane wot the people beleeve, and then perceed t immejitly bleeve It hisself. That's wot A. B. wants to do. And that is wc we are a goin to do. We want to go to the legislacher In Ohio to elei Thurman to the Senit, and In the other States we want the ofBses, and tl fust dooty we owe to ourselves is to find how to accomplish them ends. We can't afford any other polisy. We hev bin eatin grass too loni We hev bin in the Nebuckednezzer bizncss too long. We want the oats an corn uv the public crib — we want to hev and hold offlses. I want tl; Postoffls at the Corners agin. Capt. McPelter wants to be Assessor, an Issaker Gavitt, Collector. Bascom desires this, that once more he kin he money paid him for the likker we drink, insted uv bein compelled to hea day after day, the disgustin sound, "chalk it down." Sence we wuz pi out uv them places by the tyrant Grant that man's outlay for chalk hJ been fearful. The time hez come for a change in the adminlstrsishen uv public a fairs. We want a complete, sweepin change. We want Reform — that wot we want. Boss Tweed sez so, and so does John Morrissey, Oald Hall and Lew Campbell. We want turity in place — ef yoo don't believe 1 £^Sl; eny one uv the crowd that went cut with Johnson. Doolittle, ijv Wl The IfASBT Letters. \ 165 coiipin wants wo more rings. Dick Connolly insists on puttin down cor- rupshun, and Donnelly, uv Minnesota, demands that the Augean stables Bhel be cleaned. • Bz for me there must be a change in the postofflce at the Corners, or our liberties will be endangered. I don't deny that nigger Lubbock runs the poBtoffls at the Corners to the satisfaction uv the people who get mail matter there, but I do deny that the emoluments of the plaCe pre properly placed. That nigger is puttin his salary Into a house for himself, while Bascom Is languishin for the money I shood spend with him .ef I hed the place. Is it to continue thus? Men and brethren, hev pity on us. For twelve long years we hev supt sorrer, slept on stones, breakfasted on woe, and dined on greef. "We hev gone down from old whiskey to new, from new to alkohol dilootiu, and there is danger uv our gettin down flnelly to coal oil raw. We ask yoo to lift us out. Give us a show*. In the counties where the Democrats hev a, tickit, vote for it. In counties where the thing is runnin independent, vote the independent tickit. All roads from the Republican camp leads to ours. Come over and help us ! Help us ito carry the eleckshuns this fall that we may hev suthin to go on In the next Presidential eleckshun. Then she! every sloon keeper in the country rise up and call yoo blessed, and so I she! all the noble army who hev wept and refoozed to be comfortid. They hev stosd over agin the supplies till they hev been redoost to mere shad- ders, and a little while more uv it will finish em. Come up and save em. May the hearts uv the people be tetched. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich wuz Postmaster.) THE OHIO ELECTION— 1873. (The Ohio state election, October, 1873, resulted in the election of Wil- liam Allen, Democrat, as governor, by a plurality of only 817 over Gen. Edward F. Noyes, Republican, ' and a Democratic legislature -as well. This was the first Democratic victory in Ohio after the war, and Mr. Nasby, as will be seen, was enthusiastically and characteristically happy thereat.) Confedrit X Roads, . (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), , ' October 16, 1873. I am back agin In my old home, and onct more, thank Heaven, In my proper character uv a Dimocrat. The minute the election in Ohio wuz over i dropped the Grange biznis, never to take it up agin, onless, that is, the necessities uv the Democrasy are sieh ez to make it necessary. In that grand old coz I kin do anything— suffer anything — bear anything. The result uv the election In Ohio filled us with joy onutterable. To think that the State uv Ohio, wich persekooted the saints durin the war, k, wich sent out soljers agin the South by the hundred thousand, wich re- foosed to accept the sainted Johnson, an* wich give the tyrant and the j butcher Grant slch enormous majorities both times — to think uv that state ©lectin a Dimooratlc legislaoher, is enuff to make one's blood bile with ^ eostacy. Deekln Pogram, Kernel McPelter, Issaker Gavltt and Bascom jined In the general rejoicin. Bascom, In pertikeler, was enthoosiastic. He made i his bar free for that nlte, or wat wuz the same thing in effect— he give us r olif-'-fMad credit. 166 The Nasby Letters. To say that this result fills me with ecstacy is to very mildly express my feelins. I cast a prophetic eye forrerd, and wot do I see? Under twelve glasses uv Bascom's newest and wildest, I set me down and see many things: I see a revival uv the Dimocratic party uv the olden time, rallied un- der the old prinslples uv that great organization, wlch is not dead, tho it wuz amost. I sea Noo York a, follerin Ohio back into the Dimmecratic fold. I see a legislacher in Albany wich shel hev therein anybody that Tam- many selecks, and the great old Empire State shel pass agin under their rool. I see Boss Tweed, and Connolly and Okey Hall dragged out uv obskoo- rity and brot to the front. I shel see the Catholic vote fastened to us with hooks uv steel; for the priests and bishops shel hev all that they ask for, and the O'Shaugh- nessys, and O'Tooles and MlckFaddens shel hev all the minor offises,- ea uv old. I see the Dimocrisy uv five years ago controlling all the boards in Noo York, and them wich wuz expelled from power, put back agin, strongei than before. I see in 1876 a Dimocratic President, backed by a Dimekratic Con. gress, which the same will make it lively for the Ethiopian. _ I see the old Confedrit heroes restored to ther former places, and th» revenge they want accomplished. I see Kernel McPelter assessor, Issaker Gavitt collector, and my old quarters in the Post Offis, wich know me not now, shel know me forever. I see Bascom smilin behind his bar— for he shel be paid for his llkker. I see 'Davis, Dean and sicb in the iSenit, and them ez hez bin waltin given the places they hev hungered for. I see the British importers furnishin us with money, and the hauty manufacturers uv Noo England, and Pennsyhrany, grovelin in the dust. I see the paternage uv the government is safely in our hands, never to be disturbed till we hev made our respective piles. I see onliraited plunder for the faithful, and a sufficient multlplyin uv offises to give us all one. I see the nigger disfranchised, and the Northern man hustled out uv the South ez tho he wuz a pestilence. I see the Dimekratic papers filled with government advertisin, and the mouths of their editors stopped with sinekures. I see a Dimekratic ring in each custom house, and every officer thereof clothed in purple and fine linen, and drinkin only ehampane. I see the South restored to her former poslshen, a dictatin the- policy uv the government, and a runnln uv it ez she did In the pammy days afore she wuz crushed undar the iron heel uv of despotism. I shood hev gon on seein things hed not Bascom remarkt, "Now, boys, one more drink to the old party;" a remark, I may say, that wood stop me from a, dream of Immortal glory. That drink finished me, and I fell out uv my chair and on his floor dreamed till mornin of Dimocratic triumphs. May my fond antissipashuns be realized. Dimocrats of Noo York, 11 rests with yoo! PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich wuz P. M.) i The Kasby Letters. 167 ME. NASBY EBCBIVES AN APPOINTMENT.— TEBACHEKY ! Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky), January 24, 1S74. The Corners wuz" wHd with d?lite iast weeli at learnin that I hed re- celved^the appointment of freight and passenger agent at Secessionville, the nearest railroad pint to us. There ain't no freight ever shipped from Seces- sionville, and the passenger traffic is limited, but a, agent is necessary, and I wuz surprised that I wuz appinted ez slch. In this case, for the first time In my life, the offls sought the man, and not the man the ofils, for I knowd nuthln about It till it wuz done. The fust idee I hed uv it, wuz receivln a lletter thro the mail, from the president uv the company, glvin me the place, and directin me to take possession within a week. I immediately segested to Deekin Pogram, Bascom and Issaker Gavitt, that ez I wuz to leave the Corners for a noo field of yoosfulness, it wtiod be ez little ez they cood d^ to give me a public dinner or sum slch recog- nlshen. The Deekin and Bascom .refoosed pint-blank. Whereupon I pos- tively told em that ef they didn't give me a public coinplimentary dinner, I woodent go! That fetched em. Bascom turned pale at the threat, and remaiked that one year more of my patronage wood rooin him, while at Secession- ville there wuz a rich grosery-keeper who cood afford it, end he consented. Deekin Pogram remarked to wunst that, rather than hev me stay away from a field of labor when I hed slch an opportoonity for dooin good, find where I cood git doubtlis better board than I cood at his humble home, ha wood consent. The dinner came off last nite at Bascom's. There wuz present all the leadin citizens uv the Corners. The Deekin okkipied the chair, and Capt. McPelter the other end uv the table. After the cloth wuz removed, the Deekin rose and remarkt that this wuz the happiest minit uv his life. He wuz filled with supreme joy. Troo, our friend who wuz about to leave us wood no longer grace his humble board, but there wuz left the great consolation that our friend's bill for board wuzn't growln any bigger. Then, agin,, our friend wuz goin into the servis uv a railroad, wlch filled every citizen uv the Corners with hope uv final payment. Our friend wuz goin to sell tlckits and collect money for freigkts, and, uv course, he wood be able to pay his debts In the Cor- ners. The railroad wuz a rich and bloalld corporashun, and cood afford It. He wood. In conclushuii propose the health uv our friend with the wish that he may live long enufC to die without the stingln remorse weiging on his mind that he owed anybody. Bascom follered the Deekin. He remarkt that this wuz the happiest moment uv his life. Patronage wuz a good thing, but it wuz possible for a grocery to hev too much uv it. A chronic thirst shood alluz be backed up with a plethoric pocket 4)0cket book to make things pleasant. Our depart- in friend hed a thirst sufficiently cravin to delite the most exactln bar- Iceeper— but alas! Nine yeers repeetln them terrible words, "Chalk It down," hed made em somewat monotonous. But wat he wanted to say was this: Uv course our friend, will yoose every means In his power to liquidate the debts he has made here. In ,order that .these payments shel be made ez soon ez possible, he wood urge upon the citizens uv the Cor- ners to give the road in whose employ our friend goes the preference over 168 The NAsBr Letters. - . the rival line. And pertikelerly wood he urge that; citizens uv the Corner when they travel, take the cars at Secesslonville, an* also to alluz bu; tickits uv our friend, the new station agent, ruther than to pay on th cars. No conductor owes us anything. Ez he understood it, the companj settles with Its agents wunst in three months— he beleeved that In tha time our friend ought to get enuff funds in his hands to clear him herd May he prosper In it! / I respondid. I remarked to em that this wuz the happiest moment ui my life. I hed bin honored with the confidence uv the people uv the Cor ners. (Deep silence when they ought to hev cheered.) I hed livei among yoo for years (more deep silence), and hed okkepied posishens u^j trust. I wuz now goin away (cheers) and, ef I knowd myself and my op pertoonities, shood pay my debts. (Lo.ud and vociferous cheers.) I hed ni doubt uv my ability to do so; I hed held offls under various Dimokratic adj minlstrashens too long not to know all about how to make a. place profit able. So much for that. But I wood not take my seat without remarkli that I feel gre^t encouragement. I sfee nothln ^ut good in the sxgns uv th( times. I shel wunst more be Postmaster at the Comers— I shel -wTinst mon take my old familiar place at Bajoom's fireside, and she in that congenial place spend the last end uv my life I hev good reasons for the hope that Is in me. I see a lite. Our an shent enemies, the Republikins, are In sore trouble, and the Democrisy wui never — At this pint, ther wuz a commoshen in the lower part uv the room There wuz Pollock, Joe Bigler and the sheriff uv the county, and thej didn't lose no time in maken their bizness knowd. Two weeks afore I go a soot uv close uv Pollock on tick, tellin him some little, pleasant story wich he hed the audacity to claim wuz a fraud. He hed charged me wtU gettln goods under false pretences, and hed established his case, and he se lectid this ez the occashen to enforce his claim. I wuz immejitly arrested and the sheriff told me to git my hat and accompany him to the Jail. "But I can't go," I. sed. "I take my new place to-morrow mornin and ef I am noti there I lose it." "That is troo," retortid Pollock, "but you'll never see that place til you pay me $63.25. That's my little game." Ther wuz a, hurried consultashen. "Ef this claim ain't satisfied, he can't go," said Bascom. "(i00< Heavens, and he will continue his account with me." • "This must be fixed," shrieked the Deekin. "Else he will stay at mj house. ' So they helcf a hurried consultashun wich resulted In Bascom an( the Deekin puttln up he money and gettin a, receet in full and the with drawal uv the soot, and Bigler and Pollock withdrawed in great glee. Now comes the sekel to this outrageous transaction. Bascom har nessed his mule and took me over to Secesslonville the next mornin wher( I wuz to take my new place. The stashen agent wuz there ez yoosual, anc he perposed to stay. I showed him my authority. He laft. "The name at the end uv that letter," sed he, "don't happen to be thi name uv our President." "Then this letter uv appintment Is a — '* "Hoax, I guess. Somebody fcez bin Imposin on yoo. It ain't the hones handwritln uv anybody connected with the road." It wuz too troo. We returned sadly to the Corners. Bascom neve; The Nasbt Letters. 169 spoke a word to me till he reached his bar. Then he sent for the Deekin, and told him the bad news. Then Issaker came in, and told em that it had all leaked out. Pollock and Joe Biglar hed put the thing up to enable era to get their money out uv me— and they succeeded. They wrote the letters uv appintment and carried out the serious joke to its disgustin end. The sorrow uv Basoom and the Deekin wuz techin. "Sixty-three dollars and twenty-live cents in cash in addition to wat he owes us!" sighed they. "And he is still on our hands," they yelled, glarin at me. I take it philosophically. I shel stay here and labor for these people till a change in the politikle world puts me in offis agin. The joke is onto them, not me. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich wuz Postmaster.) MR. NASBY ASSISTS AT A JOINT CONVENTION. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich Is In the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 10, 1874. I hev bin anxshusly scannln the politikkle horizen thro the telescope uv hope, to diskiver in the sky the bow uv success. I thot that at last my faithful search hed bin rewarded. My rainbow wuz reflected onto the clouds uv the immijit fucher by the corrupshuns uv the leaders uv the Re- publlkin party, and the consekenL dissatisfackshun uv the rank and file uv that organlzashun. Good we only yoose this ez a wedge to get that cussed party to split, and oood we hook one fackshun onto bur party, then we shood hev a clean majority, and woodent give ten cents to be in- Bhoored the Post Ofiis at the Corners, wich is the Alpha and Oitaega uv my hopes. I heerd uv one town in Ohio in wich the Republiklns hed trouble on ther hands, and, ez an experiment, I determined, to go ther, and see, for myself, whether or not a coalishen Good be made between the Democrisy and the anti-corrupshen Republiklns. I argood that ef it cood be done in one town, it cood be done in a thousand, for human nacher is the same everywhere. I broached the idee to Deekin Pogram (at whose house I hev bin vis- itin for three years, and to Bascom, who immejitly figgered , what the railroad fare wood be, and they unanimously consentid to advance it, ef I wood agree to stay away two weeks. These men are gettin to be be disgustinly calkelatin. But t went, and found at New Babylon the yoosual state uv affairs. There wuz there a dozen Dimocrats who never drank nothin, and who foUered legitimit biznis. Then there wuz the great mass uv the party made up uv the doggry keepers, the doggry haunters— that vast mass to whom clean shirts is only seen on twict in their lives, viz., when they are married and when they are buried; The Dlmocrisy wuz in a minority uv perhaps fifty. , Two yeers ago the Republiklns in Noo Babylon hed electid two rather scaly fellows with whom they hed hed trouble. The auditor and treasurer ' hed bin diskivered connivin with contractors, and the village hed, between em all, bin swindled out uv about $400. Ez the Republikins hed bin cussin \the Credit Mobiler and Back Pay in Congress up hill and down-dale, uv « course, to be consistent, they hed to denounce oorrupshen at home with j, ekal vlgger. 170 The Nasby Letters. Becoz uv the misconduct uv these offishels, a large number uv the R& publlkins swore that the Republikln party hed outlived its day, anc that the time hed come to bust it and make a new organlzashen, and thej called upon wat they wuz pleased to call the decent Dlmocrisy to unit( with them. Thompson, Brown, Jones and Smith, the decent Democrats uv the vil lage, ag-reed with em, and a People's convenshun wuz called to nomlnat^ a tickit on the basis uv reform, wich wuz to be supported by the oppo^ nents uv corrupshen, irrespective uv party. It wuz that convenshun that I went to Noo Babylon to attend. ' The hall wuz crowded. Immejitly Bill Rag, wich kept the largesi rum-mill in the villag-e, sprung to his feet and moved that Lawyei Swipes, his cheefes't customer, be made chairman, wich wuz carried. The: Johnny Tag, wich keeps another doggery, moved that Sam Bobtale, hii principal customer, be secretary, and that the convenshun perceec Immejitly to nominate a, ticket to be supported hi all the citizens uv Noo Babylon wlio wuz opposed to corrupshen ir the present administrashen, in village, state, and the general government! wich moshen wuz carried. The Reform Republikins tried to git Squire Broadacres on the tlcke for mayor, but it woodent work. Rag and Tag hed emptied their groserie into that convenshun, and they wuz voted down ten to one. Lawyei Swipes wuz nominated with a whoop. Then Sam Bobtale wuz nominatec for treasurer, and Rag hisself for recorder, and five uv the same strip( uv men for aldermen. "Good Kevins!" exclaimed the Reform Republikins, "this ain't wat W( expected! We can't stand this — -yoo can't expect us to." "My deer sirs," replied Thompson, one uv the decent Dimocrats, "i is unfortunate, I confess, but yoo see thcrie men control (the majority uv our vote, and we reely can't help ourselves." "But ef yoo are reely for reform, why don't yoo leave a organlzashei wich is controlled by sich men ?- Smikey, the Republican defaulter. Is bai' enough, but ez compared with Bobtale, he's an angel uv lite. We didn' leave the Republikin organlzashen, ez bad ez it is, to git into a wuss one We want to git out uv the hands uv the Smikeys, but we don't want t drop into the keepin uv Rag, Tag and Bobtale. That ain't wat we bar gained for. Ef the decent Dlraocrisy can't control that organlzashen, wa kin be done?" "I reely don't know. Smith, Jones, Brown and myself moan over thi power wielded by these men, but we can't help it. Ef we split with them I may lose the nomenashen for Congress next fall, and Jones may not gi to the legislacher. We can't break our party lines — ^we can't, indeed." "It's about the same in Nashnel matters, ain't it?" queried the onreaa enable Republikin, who wuzn't satisfied with the kind uv reform he wu gettin. "Spozin we leave the Rei)ublikih party and jine the Democrisy Do we leave Credit Mobilier only to take Tammany to our buzzums? DJ we emancipate oursslvys from .Back Pay to git into the keepin uv Joh: Morrisey? Do we men^ly exchange m, corrupt Republikin for Fernand; Wood? Ef yoo are compelled to trot In harnis with Rag, Tag and BobtaU here, on wat principle are yoo to git shet uv Wood, and JVforrisey, am Tweed, and them men in Ivashnel convenshuns? Horatio Seymour and slo: Dimooi-ats art; powerlis wiihoui em. ain't they, jist ez yoo a^ e powerUs witl out Rag, Tag and Bobtale?" ^_^^ The Nasby Letters. 171 "Tt Is onfortunately troo." ' "And we dissatisfled RepubUklns are expected to vote with yoo and elect this tlckit?" "Certinly, and thereby yoo enter yoor protest agin the corrupshen uv Sraikey. A protest, my doer sir, is a great thing." "I see. We enter a. protest a?ln Smikey, by electin Bobtale, who wuz nominated by Rag and Tag. Excuse me. The fryin-pan is hot enufC —we won't jump into the fire, ef yoo please. I ruther think our best plan is to bust Smikey, rather than to take on Swipes, Rag, Tag and Bobtale, and then hev to bust them. And I ruther guess that the same policy will do for things outside uv Noo Babylon. I wood like to go somewhere, but yoo don't show me any good place to go. We kin purify our own party, but I shoodent like to undertake the job for yourn. I guess I'll make my fight a leetle closer to home. Good-bye." And this headstrong man and his friends left the hall, with their noses in the air, and all we cood do woodent pacify em. They went and called a, Republikin convenshun and they slaughtered Smikey, and put up Broadacres, and a lot uv sich Republikins for all the offlses, and they will elect em. Smikey, uv course, came straight to us, but a dozen Dimocrats left us the minlt he jined, so we 16st by the operashun. It wood be a nice thing for us ef the Swipses, and Rags, and Tags, and Bobtales that belong to us cood be kept out uv site, but that can't be. Onless they hev their share uv plunder, they won't vote with us, and ef they don't vote with us, they keep out everybody else. The men who is necessary to us, beats us. I am at home, sick and disgustid. This game uv reform won't work, for we ain't jest got the proper material to put forrerd. Why, at Noo Babylon whenever I preeched the necessity uv reform, the people jeered at the idee. My personal appearance, it seems, wuz somewhat inconsistent with that noshen. But it may come at l.ast. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (wich wuz Postmaster.) ME. NASBY IjSTAUGTJEATES A NEW ENTEEPfilSB. Confedrit X Roads, fWich is in the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 17, 1874. My little effort at reform in Ohio didn't work jest ez I hed hoped, but I don't despair uv gettin suthin out uv it after all. Ef we can't make re- form go, wat is there for us? At the worst I perpose to make It earn me a livin. I am in the reform biznis, and I shel push it ez a biznis. I hev determined to start a. reform noosepaper. That idee sprung . full-fledged from my massive intelleck two weeks ago. When I determine upon a thing I go and do it, and so, two weeks ago, I ishood the prospeck- tus, and with it the Massedonian cry for help to all the rich Dimocrats I knowd or cood heer uv. I stated in my prospecktus (wich I wrote in Bascom's) that the "Cross Roads Reformer and Friend uv Purity" wood be devotid to reform in its broadest sense, public and privit. I deplored the wide-spread corrupshen that hed pervaded and permeated all departments uv the public servis, sence that gileless patriot,. A. Johnson, vacated the Presidenshel cheer, ez , well ez the laxity uv morals that pervadid all classes uv society, wich wuz the legitimlt outgrowth uv Radikle Idees. I hed throwd myself into the 172 . The Nasby Letters. breach, and wuz detel-mlned to do all In my power to check the flood uv fraud that wuz sweepin over the land and wlch bid fair to rooln the repub- lik. To the coz uv purity and refo m I hed devotid all ther wuz uv me. I stated distinctly that the "Cr ss Roads Reform-er and Friend uv Purity" hed but one panacea for all the evils the country is labnn under, namely, the bustin uv the Republikln party and the puttin power uv the nimocrisy. That is all there is uv it. This is the short road to politikle purity, and, by example, the promoter uv privit purity. "We want to hev back in Congress that galaxy uv intellecks that shone so resplendently doorin Bookannon's administrashen, and in the places uv trust and profit, the patripts who rallied so gloriously around the crib presided over by A. Johnson. , Some uv em are dead, alas! but there are enuff uv era left to fill all the offlses, and there ain't any risk uv their declinin. I sent an appeal for aid to various leadin Dimocrats uv the country, and receeved responses wich show that in this enterprise I hev hit the pre- cise idea that is needed. For instance, Fernando Wood wrote me the foUerin: "I agree with yoo that the times demand a viggerous paper, wlch shel oppose the corrupshens wich are sappin the very foundashens uv our liber- ties. The crimes uv the Republikin party cry to Heaven.' Enclosed find check for $50. I wood send yoo more, but I hevn't realized on my Credit Mobiller shares yet, and me and Brother Ben find the lottery biznis dull sence the panic struck us. Trooly, "FERNANDO WOOD." His brother Ben wrote ez follows: "Enclosed find $50 to aid in establishln The Cross Roads Reformer and Friend uv Purity. I wish I cood spare more, for ef ever ther wuz a time when public and privit purity needed boostin, this is the time. We must combine to crush Republikin-ism and inogfferate a rain uv purity. I wood send more, but the fact is, policy sellin is dull, and faro-banks ain't more than payin expenses. But sich ez my donashen is, take it. "Trooly, BSN. WOOD." Boss Tweed wrote ez follows: "I write in bonds. But oppressed ez I am by crooel persekooters 1 talje a lively interest in evrything that looks to purity in oflSshel matters. In my lonely cell on Blackwell's Island do I groan for my country. I hev directed my son Richard to send yoo $50 to aid yoor paper jest ez soon ez he kin collect it from the ongrateful contractors who refoozed to divide with when I got into trouble on contracks wich I give em when I wuz in power. But go In yoor good work. Trooly, W. M. TWEED." The letter I wrote to Harry Genet, wuz ansered by a friend uv his, who remarked that Mr. Genet was abroad for Ms health, but that he shood forrerd it to him, and that Mr. G. wood doubtless contribbit, ez he wuz, ez he alluz hed bin, a, staunch friend uv reform. From the South the responsis were encouragin, tho not profitable. From every one of the glorious soljers uv the Confederacy come words uv cheer. They bid me go on and deal heavy blows agin the monster Radi- cleism, and in support, not only uv reform, but uv our common country. Four yeers more uv Radicle rool wood be suflichent, they wuz every one uv em convlnst, to destroy the government bequeathed us by our fathers, and wlch hed bin made sacred by their blood. Aleck Stephens wrote me a letter approvin uv the' design uv the paper that klvered sixty-eight pages uv foolscap, but he didn't enclose a dollar, wich wuz a lame and impotent conclooshen. Thk Nasbt' Litters. 173 One man from Alabama Insisted that the motto uv the noo paper shood be, "Offis In Kite Hands, and Purity In Offls." The offls, he went on to re- mark, cood never be In rite hands so long ez a dlsgustin nigger wuz Post- master at Napoleonville, a place wioh he wunst okkepled under Johnson. He beleeved in non-partisanship, and the President ought to reassure the people by showln em that he wuz not inflooenced by partisan feelins. Let the President remove his appointees and put Democrats in their places. When he wuz removed and that nigger wuz put In hla place, he, for the first time in his life, despaired uv the Republic. I wuz astonished at the number uv responses I got from Republi- kins. They cum in by the bushel. Every one uv em hed lost all faith in a Republlkin form uv government — every one uv em bleeved that the gov- ernment hed fallen into bad hands, and consekently they despaired uv the republic. One pekoolyarlty uv this despare wuz, they all epeclfled the date at wlch they commenced desparin, ez for instance: "On the 13th uv Jooly, 1873, I felt that all wuz gone." Or this: "On the 22d uv August, 1872, I felt that the sun uv Republlkinism hed set forever, onless a change cood be made." I wuz at some panes to ascertane why things went to rooin on them pertikeler days, and I found that it was July 13, 1873, that the first hed bin defeated for renominashen to Congress, and that on the 22d uv August, 1872, the second hed bin removed from a colleotorship, and the others wuz in the same state uv health without excepshin. But It don't do to inquire too pertikerlerly. They beleeve the government is in bad hands, and that is enufC for me. These men — and all uv this class, demand reform, but they didn't enclose no material aid. How do they suppose the battle agin a corrupt adminlstrashen is to be fought, ef they don't furnish ammu- nlshen? I got in donashens (and loans, wlch Is the same thing) about $600. The paper will be ishood next' week. I hev paid Bascom $40, and Deekin Po- gram $25, on akkount, wlch hez encouraged them. Things look brighter for me. May my sky contlnyoo unclouded. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Editor Cross Roads Reformer. THE WOMEN'S CEUSADE STEIKES THE CEOSS EOADS. (The famed temperance movement, called the "Women's Crusade," which started in Hillsboro. Ohio, and was the foundation of the Woman's Christian Temperance Union, furnished the motive for this and the five succeeding letters.) ^ ^ ,^ -^ t, ^ Confedrit X Roads, (Wlch is in the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 28, 1874. When I opened my Northern papers and red ,uv the prayln movement by the wimmin uv Ohio and Injiana, I sed to myself, "the Cross-Roads is bound to ketch it." There ain't no trouble agoin but wat it lites onto the Cross-Roads. Mlsforchoon has Tnarkt the Cross-Roads for its own. And last Monday Bascom got a postal card on wlch it wuz statid that on the Friday folio win a delegashen uv ladies from New Boston, a manu- faclurin village started by a lot uv Tankees over about ten miles from here, where they don't sell no spirits, wood visit the Cross-Roads. and 174 - The Nasbt Letters. try the efficacy uv prayer onto Bascom, to see ef they cood not converl him to stop his sole-destroyin, demoralyzln bizness. Bz Bascom red thf postal card (or rather ez I red it for him) he wuz a picter to look upon. Hi; knees knockt together and his face turned a ghastly pale, and his hanc trembled so that it wuz with difficulty that he cood raise a glass uv likkei to his lips. "My sole-destrpyin bizness!" sedhe; "my bizness sole-destroyin! GoD«| Heavens, wat next?" "My time is about up, I guess," remarkt Deekin Pogram. "X hev seer strange things in my life-time, but when I am not allowed to take my regj ler drinks, it is time I wuz a goin hence." "The idee," sed Issaker Gavltt, "that sellin likker or drinkin it is dej moralizin. I hev drunk likker all my life, and — " At this point Issaker's wife come in, and wantid Issaker to go and gil some rice, and then go home and split some wood. Issaker wantid to knovA wat she come there for, and the onreasonable woman bustid into tear^. said she coodn't split wood, with no shoes and three inches of snow on th' ground, and that there wuzn't a thing in the house for the sick baby tc eat, and ef Issaker wood spend half the time work that he dii; loafin at Bascom's, and ' half the money on his children that hi did for likker, and — Issaker didn't allow her to finish her onreasonable harangue. He toov] her by the shoulder and shoved her out the door, and swore that he didn i know how it wuz in Ohio and Injeany, but he'd be d — d if in Kentuckj woman shoodent keep in her proper spear. He wuzn't a goin to allow nc woman to dictate to him wat he shood do with his time or his muneyl nuther. Captain McPelter remarkt that ef his wife ever jined in sich a dempn- strashun, she'd Wish she hadn't. His wife tried to stop him from takin an- other drink wunst, after he felt his oats, and hed throwd a, cradle with a six-months baby out uv the door, and the black eye she got wuz a warnir to her never to interfere with his prerogatives no more. Poor. Bascom wuz cast down. He sed Amerikin llbberty wuz gone when a passel uv women got to goin about Interferin with a man's blznls But he shood adopt vigorous measures. He'd never surrender — never. Friday come and Bascom was ready for em. Evry wun uv our persua sion in the Corners hed ordered his wife to keep strikly in doors, and on nc akkount to venture out durin the day. Bascom asked us all to staj' witl| him, and see him thro it. To wich we all agreed. Them ez wuz marrle(^ and kept house, went home to fix up ther doors and nail boards over th< broken glass uv ther winders, so that the wimmen shoodn't see outside It's no smalL-matter to close up all the holes in the houses at the Corners Well, at 11 o'clock a percession uv v.'omen did make their appearance a the lower end uv the village, and they moved up slowly to'ards Bascom's G. W. wuz as pale ez a sheet. "Wat she! I do?" asked he. "a. W.," sed I, "there is but one thing yoo kin do. Rally yoor friendi, about yoo, and make head agin this unholy croosade. The regular fre kenters uv the place are frltened and are not here. Bring em here! Brin; em here to-wunst! Swing out a, placard wich shel read: "Likker free to all doorin the contlnyooance uv this fanatikle campane —Ho! all ye that thirst! Come and drink, without money and withou price." I; Tub NasbY' Letters. 175 "This, G. W., will fetch em In, and ez long ez the likker is free they will stay in, and give yoo ther moral support. Shel I write the placard?" G. W. wavered. He cast one glance at his kegs, and sighed hesita- \ tinly. I cast one glance at them kegs, and wuz determined that so good an opportoonity shood not be lost. "Ha!" sed I, "the foe! they come! they come! To hesitate now is to be lost. The hed uV the invadin column hez turned the comer. Shel I write?" "Yes!" sed Bascom, bustin into teers; "write. Ef they shet me up I'm rooined, and ef yoo hev free drinks I'm bustid. But I'd ruther take the free drinks part uv it." "Certainly," sed Issaker Qavitt, soothingly; "free drinks, by all means. After all, Bascom, it amounts to the same thing. It's free drinks anyhow, for yoo hev to charge em to us, don't yoo?" And so I writ the placard and histed it up at the door. The result wuz majical. In less than ten minits the glad nooze hed reached every house in the village, and thepe wuz gathered together in Bascom's sich a solid mass uv liberty-lovin men ez hed never been seen' together at the Cross- Roads. Bascom appinted two uv us to draw likker for the thirsty crowd, and then we throwd open the doors, calkilatin to greet em with sich cheera ez wood effectooally silence all the sin gin and prayin they cood do. , The wimmin approached. We cood see em. They wuz all closely' veiled. Ez they approached the door I directed the likker to be served out faster, so ez to get the boys tuned up to the right pitch. But alas! they didn't stop! They didn't stop to sing or to pray or nuthin. They simply passed by, pulling their vails closer to ther faces, and snickerin. I looked thro the vail uv one uv em and saw whiskers. But with rare presence uv mind I sed nothin. "Draw more likker!" I shouted, "they will be back in a, moment." By the time this drink wuz down Bascom wuz so far gone that he didn't know nuthin. He got lunatic, and springin from the counter in- sisted on everybody's not only drinliin, but that every man uv us shood fill a bottle and take it with us. It is ormecessary to state what follered. The revelry waxed furious, and by night the bodies uv the fallen were piled on top uv each other four deep. Every drop uv likker in the house wuz gone, for wat wuzn't drunk hed bin allowed to waste, for men drawd it who wuz too tite to shet the faucets. Bascom wuz laid out, Deekin Pogram wuz snorin ez tho- he hcdn't slept for a week, and I, seesoned vessel that I am, wuz the wust played out uv any uv em. The next mornin Joe Bigler venchered around, and I asked concernin the wimmin. "Wimin!" sed he; "them wuzn't wlmin. They wuz boys employed in the factrys in New Boston. Nasby," sed he confldenshally., "my opinvun is that that cuss. Pollock, put this up on yoo, with a view to rooin Bascom. I heerd him talkfn with one uv them factry men, who is his brother-in-law, and -I- heerd the brother-in-law say that it wuz too good not to do it. I presume that is wat they referred to. But don't say that I told yoo." Passin Pollock's an hour after, I heerd him and Bigler a laffln vocif- erously, and I knowd that this wuz wat they wuz laffin at. I But, thank Heaven, the joke isn't onto me. I got twenty square i drinks out uv it for nothing. But I do pity Bascom. His heart is broke. fe; . 176 Xhi NAfBY Letters. His empty barrels, his broken glasses anfl botttes, bear mute testimony to his losses. May Heaven forgive Pollock and Bigler. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, P. M. P. S.— I shel ishoo the first number uv my new paper next week. POLLOCK AND BIGLEE PEESECUTB THE SAINTS. Confedrit X Roads, ■ ' . ° (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), ' ' March 10, 1874. Ef Heaven's most plercln litenins cood strike Joe Bigler and that jeerin feend. Pollock, I shood think more uv the economy uv naoher. For till these demons is dead, and berried, we never shel hev peace or quiet at the Corners. It wuz a bitter day for me, aild for all uv us, when that wretch' , Pollock come here from Illinoy, and struck hands with Joe Bigler. Either uv em is pizen — yoonitid, striknine is nothin to em. We held a meetln In Bascom's last week Toosday to decide upon somei measures to counteract the wimmin's temperance movement, wich We are momentarily expeptin will strike the Corners, and ravage us ez it hez the towns and villages in Ohio and Injeany. Bascom called the meetin, for Bascom swears he will defend his rites till the last. We hed the grocery tolably full uv the men uv the Corners, when who shood march in but Bigler and Pollock, who sot down on nail kegs ez solium ez a funeral. Various sejestions wuz made ez to the best way uv counteractin the movement, when Pollock rose and askt the privilege uv makin a remark, wich I, ez chairman, consentid to. "I sympathize heartily with yoo," sed Pollock, "in thus standin up and makin hed agin this fanatlkle oroosade, and wood sejest that yoo flte the devil with Are. In Ohio the wimen go out agin the traffic in llkker-^let our wimen here in the Corners, come out and enter their protest agin euy interference with the rites uv their husbands, fathers and brothers. Let the-wlmen uv the Corners protest agin this fanaticism." Joe Bigler riz, and I felt a presentiment that the devil hed broken his chain and wuz amongst us. I don't often agree with Pollock," he remarked, "but there Is In this sejestion so much uv good sense that bleeve I shel second him in It. By all means let our wimmin enter their protest aglnst this wild oroosade, that the world may know that Kentucky at least stands by her land- marks. The wimmin uv Ohio howl that the traffic is demorallzin to so- ciety, and pertikelerly that it is roolnin them. Now let the wimmin uv the Cross-Roads meet and hist in their testimony that it is nuthin uv the' kind. And that this protest may be made in doo form, I sejest that the wimmin uv Confedrit X Roads meet at the church to-morrer afternoon, at two p. m., and resloot agin this this thing. Is it a go?" "It Is!" "It is!" "We will hev em do it!" wuz shouted from all parts uv the rODm. Bascom wuz delited with the proposishen. He said that" so far ez his wife wuz concerned, she wood jine in sich a protest heartily. It shood be done by all means. "It is well enufC to say 'we will,' " sed Bigler, "but let us make shoor uv hevin em all out, that there may be no faleyoor. To make this a success the meetin must not only be enthusiastic, but large. Pollock, take a piece The Nasbt Letters. 177 of paper and put down the names uv those whose husbands will pledge thelrselves to be present. Issaker Gayitt, will Mrs. Gavitt be shoor to come?" Issaker blushed — wioh Is to say, his nose turned bloo — ez he ansered '■probably not, onless the weather shood be warmer, for my woman hezn't got no shoes." "Mrs." Gavitt can't come to protest agin this croosade agin Ukker, coz she ain't got no shoes," sung out Pollock. "But, Issaker, I bought fifty bushels uv corn uv yoo last fall — why didn't yoo get yoor wife shoes then?" "I hed to pay Bascom, on account," sed poor Issaker, blushln still more. "All right," sed Pollock; "uv course yoo did. Go on, Josef." "Squire Pennibaoker, will yoor wife be present to jine this anti-fan- aticism movement?" "She'll oppose it," sed the Squire, "coz I do; but I doubt ef she kin come out to bear testimony agin It. She ain't got no cloze that she'd like to be seen in." "Mrs. Pennibacker aint got no oloze, and can't come," sung out Pol- lock. Go on, Josef." "Deekin Pogram, yoor wife, and yoor dawter Mirandy will be here, certainly?" "Taint shoor," sed the Deekin, "uv both uv em — one uv em kin come, but the other can't. Ef my wife wears the dress, Mirandy must stay, and vice versy, coz they ain't got but one atween em." "I hev put down one from Deekin Pogram's, ez them two wimmin hev only one dress atween em. Go on, Josef. We've got to git mor6 than these or the meetin will be a fallyoor." "Lem'l Pettus, will yoo see that yoor wife will be present to protest agin " "Stop!" I yelled, seeln the drift uv these wretches; "this hez gone far enufC. I pertest " i "Easy, Parson, easy," sed Bigler. "We naust hev the wimmin out. The wimmin uv Ohio pertest that likker rooins em — our wimmin must bear testimony that it don't. I confess that the prospeck isn't encouragin, for we hevn't found a, sufficiency uv dresses, and shoes, and sich, among our wimmen to enable them to take part In a public deraonstrashen, but " At this pint Bigler stopped, for Mrs. Bascom, G. W.'s wife, opened the door uv her sittin room, wich wuz jlst one side uv the bar-room, and looked in. It wuz an unfortinit movement ez ever wuz — in fact, it seems ez tho the devil alluz helped Bigler and Pollock. There stood Mrs. Bas- com with a black moire-anteek dress on, with gold rings onto her fingers and a fur concern about her shoulders, and reel gaiters onto her feet, and a. buzzum pin onto her, and everything gorgeous. Ez she drawd back into her own room, Pollock broke out — "Mrs. Bascom kin go and enter her protest agin this onwomanly croo- sade, can't she?" "Uv course she kin," sed Bigler. "She's got shoes and cloze enufC." "Too troo," sed Pollock, "and singler ez it may seem, she's the only one in the Corners that he2. What shel we do about it?" "I pertest agin this thing!" shrieked I, for I seed wat It wuz leadin to. "Wait till I make my sejestion,". sed Bigler. "I wuz a comin to It. It strikes me that Bascom's wife hez got all the cloze that belongs to the 178 ' The Nasby Letters. " " wimmen uv the Corners, and that it Is likely to continyoo so jist so long, ez Basfiom keeps the grocery, for the reason that it takes all that the men kin git hold uv to keep em in sustenance. Now, woodn't It he an ebitable arrangement ef the male citizens uv the Corners shood take turns at keepin the grocery? Let Issaker Gavitt keep it a week, wich wood en- able him to get Mrs. Gavitt a pare uv shoes — a Tveek's profits wood enable Pennibacker to get his wife a caliker dress, and so on around. It seems to me that it's unfair — " Bigler didn't git no further with his incendiary harangue. Bascom biled over and throwed a bottle at him, wich Bigler dodged, and he and Pollock went out a laffln vociferously at the fix they hed put us in. That bottle broke up the meetin. I thot it a pity that it shood be wasted, and went for it, and so did every man in the room, and we struggled for it on the floor like madmen. Issaker Gavitt got it, and dusted out with it. I am fearful that our efforts to stem this tide will result in a failyoor. I can't help confessin that there is s.ithin queer in the fact that Bascom's wife is the only woman in the Corners who hez decent clothes, but Joe Bigler and Pollock hed no biznis to make that fact so cussedly apparent. Bf it ever gits to the ears of the wimmin it ain't onpossible that they'll commence a raid on Bascom theirselves. I woodent hev Lucindy Gavitt, lEisaker's wife, git hold uv where that fifty, bushels uv corn went, for no money. It's a cold world, and a hard one to git thro with easy. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (wich wuz Postmaster.) P. S. — This excitement hez delayed the ishoo uv my new paper. But I shel git it out. MR. NASBY AND HIS FEIENDS PEEP ARE FOE A PEO. TE ACTED DEOUGHT. . ; , Confedrit X Roads, CWich is in the State uv Kentucky), March 22, 1S74. The weather- is gittin milder and milder, and there is no possibility uv our stavin off an attack upon Bascom's, wich is our fortress. Joe Big- ler and Pollock, ever sence the faleyoor uv the last croosade (wich wuz postponed on account uv the weather), hev bin perpetooally and persist- ently inflamin the minds uv our wimmin, till they hev their rage worked up to a degree that is terrible. Mrs. Pollock and Mrs. Bigler hev bin puttin on all their store cloze, and goin out all day callin on the wives and dawters uv our' citizens. For instance, they'd go to Lucindy Gavitt (Issa- ker's wife), all rigged up In silks and furs and dollar jooelry, and sich, and tell Lucindy that ef Issaker wood only save his munny insted uv spendin it at Bascom's, she oood hev all these things jist ez well ez not.- And then all the woman in Lucindy wood be stirred up, and she wood more than howl. "When Lucindy saw that these two wimmin hed actoo- al stockins on, she swore that she wood never rest till Bascom wuz bustid. "We knew uv all this, and trembled. The frost wuz gittin out uv the ground; fair, warm days wuz a comin, and the raid onto us cood not be rtmch longer postponed. Our wimmin cood get out ez soon ez it wuz warm enuff for em to go out without shoes, and we knowd that when they cood get out they wood. ""WIU they come in and smash in the barrels?" asked Bascom. "Precisely so." , . ' The Nasbt Letters, 179 / "Wat kin we do?" groaned Deekln Pogram. "Wat kin we do?" was the ekkoln anser uv every wun iiv em. i'Thls is wat we kin do," sed 1 promptly. "Let G. W. take the barrels this afternoon, arvd roll em out into his barn, where these cussid wimml.i can't possibly find em, keepin a single demijohn — an hour's supply— In the bar. Ef they .come and smash, why they kin only smash a gallon at a time, and the enemy kin never git at our magazeen. Hev I spoken well?" "Like a. sage — like a sage! It is well — It is well!" . Bascom consented, and we all turned in to help him roll the barrels out. Never did men work with such zeel. It seems ez tho there is suthin inspirin in the rollln uv barrels. I cood work at It forever. We got em all safely in the barn, Bascom drawd out a demijohn, and we felt comparatively safe, no matter wat shood happen. Night came on, and at ten p. m. I left Bascom's to go to my humble bed at Deekin Pogram's. Ez I approached his dwellin I fell into ii trane uv thot. I hed only hed five drinks, avid I felt a langin for more. I wanted to be filled up for wun t — to hev, for one time, all that I cood lay to. I thot to myself, there is them barrels in Bascom's barn. Wat is to prevent me from gettln a, bottle and goln there, and draw it full, and for wunst In my life hev a self-satisfyin fullness? No thin. I hed marked the location uv them barrels, and I cood go in the dark to em ez well ez in the glare uv the broad day. I determined to do it. I went to my room and got a bottle and went thro the alley on wich the barn stood. Caushusly scalin the fence I crept Into the barn, and crawled up to the barrel wich hed the fawcet in. I wuz enveloped in Cimmerian darkness. I reached out keerfully to find the fawcit, when I heerd a rustlln sound ez tho somebody else wuz neer. I laid still on my abdomen till the sound ceased. "It is nothin," I sed to myself, and crawled up eloster, — Confoosh'n! My hand struck a livin, hu- man body! Drawin back hastily, my boot struck an obstacle, wich, ez ef the exclamash'n wuz wrung from It, remarked, "Thunder!" Jest then a match wuz drawd, a candle wuz lighted, and — Tabloo! There stood Bascom erect, with a pained expression onto his coun- tenance, and on their abdomens, each with a bottle in his hand and crawlin towards the barrel, wuz Deekin Pogram, Capt. McPelter, Issaker Gavitt, Elder Pennibacker, and evry wun uv em wich wuz in Bascom's wheii the arrangement wuz made to move the barrels, and wich assisted in movin em. The thot that hed okkured to me hed likewise okkured to all the rest. I wuz the only one who hed presance uv mind. I dropt my bottle afore I riz, and springin to my feet, I denounct em for the breach uv faith they wuz committin. "Wat are yoo here for?" demanded Deekin Pogram. "Didn't yoo come here for jist wat we come for?" "Did I come here with a bottle?" I replied. "Did I come here like a thief in the night, to pilfer our good friend's sustenance? Oh, yoo vipers! Can't yoo wait till the mornin, or ef yoo must hev yoor nip, can't yoo go like men to the bar, and hev em charged to yoo? I blush for the Corners." They all slunk out, leavin me and Bascom alone. "It's all very well, Parson," sed he, his eye glittrin crooelly. "You drapt yoor bottle skillfully. Did yoo spose I wuz sich an ijeot ez to leeve iSo Dhb If asbt Lemis&s. all this likker all alone doorin a nlte? Not any. Go too, yoo hoary-headed deceever.'* And he turned me out, and put a padlock on the barn, and I went sor- rowfully to my home ez dry ez a lime-kill. Better for me wood It hev hiu e( I hed never thot uv It. Better never hev a hope than hev it fall. But there remains to us jest wat we hed before. This escapade don't dry up any uv our sources uv supply, and we hev it so fixed that all the wimen In the Corners can't interfere with gitten our regler drinks. Thank Heaven for so much. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (wich wuz Postmaster.) THE QUESTION OF TAXES AT THE' CORNERS. Corifedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), March 29, 1874. The taxes at the Corners hev bin for some years terribly high, andi this spring when the time came to pay em, the people murmured. We sed it is too bad to waste so much money on taxes, when there is so much likker in the land wich money wood buy; and the niggers and others at the Corners wich don't stimulate sed it wuz a pitty that so much uv ther sub- stance shood be taken in taxes uv wich they got no good. Bigler and Pollock, onto whose hed lite cusses, ez yoosual, took up the cry and ekkoed it. Ef we hed the sense uv a yearlin calf we'd hev dropt it the moment Joe Bigler pickt it up, for when did he ever jine us except to bring us to confooshin? But we did ekko Joe's words— Bascom in pertikeler — and we deter- mined to hev a meetin to consider the question uv taxes, and to ascertane whether or not we coodn't redoose em in some way. And George Washinton Bascom, the idiot, furnished the wood to heat the hall, and the taller candles to lite it; thus furnlshin the whip with \i hich to Bcurge hlsself . We met at early candle-lUin, and I wuz made chairman, uv course. I stated to the meetin that taxis hed risen to a -pint that crushed us. I felt myself that ef they cood not be lessened I shood be compelled to quit the Corners — "Thank Hevln!" Involuntarily ejackelated Deekin Pogram. "Not that I pay taxis myself, but they so grind the citizens ez to make keepin me a serious matter." And I continyood by invitin any one to say wat they hed to say. Bascom rose and remarkt that taxis hed got to a rooinouS pint, and he pledged hlsself to yoose all possible diligence in assertainin the coz uv the high taxis, and unrelentln viggelanoe in rootin out the coz when he hed found It. He moved the adopshen uv thie foUerin resolooshea: Resolved, That it is the sense uv this meetin that the increase, year by year, uv taxashen in the Corners, hez bin so great ez to eggscite the most serious alarm, and that we pledge ourselves to yoose all possible means to ascertane the coz, and remove it forthwith. The resolooshen wuz lyoonanimously carried. Then Joe Bigler rose, with Pollock behind him, a eggia him on and sup- portin him. Joe remarkt that he hed notld the regler increase uv taxes each year With alarm, and he hed made some notes, feelin that he cood show how It wuz. And the cubs pulled out uv his breast pocklt a lot uv papers. ', P' The Kasbt Lemers. 181 ■i- ■ • ' "Here," sed he, "I hev figgered up — me and Pollock — wat the county- poor-house costs us, and 1 find It's terrible. Six thousand dollars Is the sum totle. Doorin the yeer, old Splggins hez bin taken there, and his wife and his Ideot dawter, for Spigglns spent all his time and money at the bar uv our esteemed friend Bascom till he got to be so demoralized ez ,to be in- capable uv pervidin for hlsself. Then Thompson's wife and children are there, too. Thompson, yoo will remember got drunk one nlte at Bas- com's and fell off the bridge on his way home and wuz drownded. Then there's the Hugglns children and Sammjf' Smith's children, all uv em per- vided for by taxation. Let's see," sed this disturber, "Bascom, yoo hev Smith's forty akers, hevn't yoo?" Then Pollock he riz. "I don't agree with Mr. Bigler," sed this hory-headed deceever, "in ascribin the high taxis to our public charities. TJv course the poor-houses costs money, but that is only a small part uv it. Its the criminals that squeeze us. I hev made a few Aggers wich will show how it is. Yoo all know the circumstances uv the Mackentosh matter. Sam Mackentoah got flrunk at Bascom's, and went home, and Mrs. Mackentosh not hevin sup- per ready, Samyooel split her hed open with an axe. Sammy wuz In jail eighteen months, wich we hed to pay for— he ;«ruz tried three times and finally hOng. It cost us on a ruff calkelashiin, about six thousand dol- lai-s to hang Mackentosh, countin from the time he got drunk at Bascom's, cxcloosiv uv the cost uv berryin his wife and takin keer uv his children Eince. "Then yoo remember the Magrath trouble. Sim Magrath and Tim Ed- son got drunk at Bascom's." "Why do yoo perpetooally refer to our esteemed friend Bascom?" Bhriekt I, seein that G. W. wuz turnin ez pale ez he cood turn. "I reely don't mean to oifend nobody, but I must be historikelly kor- rect. Sim Magrath and Tim Edson got drunk at Bascom's, and from there they went to Allen's place, and quarreled with Allen, and sot his barn on fire. The judge woodn't take into account the fact that they wuz drunk, but sent em to the penitentiary, wich cost us "five or six thou- sand more. They sed they woodent hev done it ef they hedn't bin drunk." "Then Sandy Johnson who drawd a knife on Pete Larkin and carved him. They wuz both a drinkin at Bascom's when " "I pertest agin all this kind o' talk!" shrieked Bascom, who by this time seed wat they wuz drivin at. "I pertest." "It won't go, G. "W.," retorted Bigler, "fax is fax, and we must hev em out. I insist that our charities do cost more than the criminals, Mr.-^ Pol- lock to the contrary notwithstandin. Does Mr. Pollock remember the Pad- diefords? Old Paddleford wuz alluz drinkin at Bascom's; then Seth, his oldest boy got into it, and then Andy, and finally the old woman herself, and the children are all at the poor-house. I say—" "Will Mr. Bigler pretend to say that the Paddlefords cost the county ez much ez the single case uv Artemus Jenkins, who, after he got drunk at Bascom's, stabbed Abslum Parkins?" "Wat did that amount to?" sneered Bigler, "compared to the cost the county wuz put to in carin for John Otis, who, at Bascom's bar, dropped down in a, fit, and became " "O bosh," retorted Pollock, "I insist- — " "But," I sed hastily, "all our taxes ain't for criminals and paupers. Is they? How about yer roads?" 182 ' The Nasbt Letters. 1 "We alnt spent a. dollar on the roads for six years," retortid Pollock. "And the skobls?" "All that the county has paid for skools from the time the first settler struck here alnt ez much ez we paid for the hangin uv Sam Mackentosh. We hev bin very ekonomikle in the matter uv roads and skools. I insist — " "And I insist," sed I, "that this thing come to an end. This meetin is adjourned!" "All rite. Parson," sed Bigler, and he and Pollock walked oft, laffln hi- lariously. After them two hed gone we re-organized, and sot some time in silence. "Parson," sed Deekin Pogram, "wat shel we do?" "I hev written a resolooshen or two wich covers the pint," sed I, ana presentid them ez follows: Resolved, That taxes aint ez high after all ez they might be, exceptin uv course them ez is imposed by tht- tjranicle, consolidated government at Washington. Resolved, That sich taxes ez may result from the abuse uv the ordin- ary comforts uv life by our fellow citizens we shel pay cheerfully, feeliu it to be our dooty to bear our sheer uv the burdens laid onto us. Resolved, That our confidence in our fellow-townsman, G. W. Bascom, is unabated. These resolooshens wuz passed yoonanimusly, and Bascom Invited the entire meetin over to his place to take suthin. Thus wuz the dangers to the Corners, devised by them two wretches. Pollock and Bigler, happily PETROLEUM V. NASBT, . (Wich wuz Postmaster.) I THE WOMEN MAKE A EAID OJST BASCOM. ! Confedrlt X Roads, [ ' (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), April 6, 1874. Tlie cyclone, whose wrath we hoped hed bin spent In futile endeavors, hez finally smote us, and w^e are suft'erin under the blow. The wimmin UV the Comers riz in their mite on Friday. The sun rose brite and smilin from the eastern horizon — the frost wuz »11 out uv the ground, and the day wuz warm and balmy. Beekln Pogram came down the road barefodt and hilarious. "It's warm enuff," sed the old innocent, "to go without shoes! Thank Heaven, I shel not hev that ex- pense on me for seven long months." The Corners alluz rejoices when its citizens kin leave off shoes In the spring. Bascom turned away and wept. "Why do yoo weep?" sed Pogram. "Ef I don't hev to buy shoes yoo will hev Jist that much more for likker for me." "Alars!" shreekt Bascom, "can't yoo see that the warm weather wich enables yoo to come without shoes, also enables the women to walk the streets without shoes? And hezn't Pollock and Bigler and them cusses bin incitin em to rage, and hevn't they bin a bilin in agony to get at me, but wuz providenshly preventld by the weather? They'll be here to-day, shoor, and then " And Bascom bowed his head and wept agin. Wat Bascom prognosticated did reely occur. At 10 o'clock perclsely a delegashen of wlmen, headed by Luclndy (Javitt, filed around the corner , • The 2^asby Letters 183 and approached the grocery. We stood on the porch in an aeony of feer. "They are comin," sed Deekin Pogram, tremblin ez tho he hed ager, "ez terrible ez a army with banisters." ^ "Can't we fool em out uv this?" sed Bascom. "Wood that we cood," sed Issalcer, "but I doubt it. Lucindy is a runnin this thing and she's akoot. Too can't play any vermitu.?e on her." "Subterfuge, yoo fool," sed I. "In sich a time ez this, be correct wat- ever yoo are." Slowly they approached. Bascom turned pale, and leevin the porch took his poslshen behind the bar. "Here," sed he, "I will endoor the shock. Here where I hev lived and hed my bein will I die." The enemy come on, until the head uv the perseshen reeched the porch. Lucindy bore a banner on wlch wuz written: "Liz Bascom hez stockins —we hevn't. Death to Bascom!" and pokin it in my face ez she passed me, she marched with the tread uv a. grenadeer into the room, and took up her posishen in front uv the bar, where she looked Bascom square in thS face. "The regler thing," sed Lucindy, "ez I hev heerd, is for the wimin to pray. Kin yoo pray, Mrs. Pogram?" "Nary," replied Mrs. P. "Sich a thing wuz never heerd in our house." "Kin yoo pray, Mrs. McPelter?" "Nary." "And ther can't none uv us. The fact Is that we wuzn't brot up to it. I don't bleeve there's a woman within four miles uv Bascom's — onless its a newcomer— who kin. But it don't matter. I hev bin lookin at Bascon for five minits, and I don't bleeve .prayer wood hev any effect onto him. Its works we want here — works with him — works!" And the infooriated woman, pullin her sleeves back, displayin an arm wich a long course-uv splittin wood, and hoein raters, and whalin Issaker hed made ez muskaler ez a blacksmith's, uttered her war-whoop: "Remember, gentle sisters, Liz Bascom hez stockins, and we hain't none — our husbands sell corn wich we grow, to pay Bascom for likker! More stockins and less likker!" With this ejackelashen, she sprang over the low counter and throttled Bascom, bearln him to the floor. "Now, sweet sisters," sed she, "while my frail and fadin strength lasts I will hold this man uv Belial safely — lie still, yoo broot — be it yoor work to go for them bottles and barrels! Go for em — Bascom's wife hez stockins!" A dozen uv em drawd axe helves from under their aperns and kep us off, while the rest went inside the bar, and rolled out the barrels and jugs and split em open. The precious flooid ran out on the floor and disap- peared betwixt the cracks thereof forever. We cood do nothin but look on and weep. Finally when the last barrel wuz bustid and the last bottle broken, Lucindy let Bascom up and the perseshen,- wild with eggscltemen t, marched out uv the place and dispersed. It wuz a pitiful site! Them emp- ty barrels wuz mute witnesses uv our woe — them broken bottles hed each a tale uv distress to toll. There wuz an aroma uv likker risin from the floor and that wuz all. But who cood live on an aroma? "Thank Heaven!" sed I, "we hev that reserve in the stable left. Wa kin live on that till yoo git a new stock in." 184 The Nasbt Letters. "No, yoo can't," replied BaScom, his voice broken with emoshun. "No yoo can't. That barrel wuz In among the rest." "Why, oh why, did yoo do that?" I askt. "Kin yoo ask me after the nite yoo attempted to steal It?" sed he. "I'd sooner trust it with the wimmin than with yoo. Dooplloity meetS' its own reward. Hed yoo played fair, yoo wood hev hed a barrel to go on. Ez it Is, there ain't a drop in the Corners, and npne kin be hed from liooisville for six days." \At this Deekin Pogram dropped a stave wich he hed bin lickin, and fell faintiu to the floor. Issaker Gavitt, Elder Pennibacker and Capt. McPelter turned away sorrowfully. "Ain't there suthin to revive the good old man?" I shriekt in agony, feelin that Bascom must hev a privit bottle somewhere. "Yes," sed he, "I relent. I pervided for this catastrophy. I bored a hole in the floor here, where it is the lowest. Under that hole, in the cel- lar, I put a tub. Go down and bring up a wash-basin full and revive him." Droppin the old man's head, I ran. There wuz three inches in the tub. Fillin two quart bottles wich I found there and puttin them in my pockets, I hastened up with the wash-basinful and held it to his nose. He drew a long breath and fastened his lips to the edge. He swallered! he wuz saved! We are yet without likker. The Corners is ez dry ez a lime-kill. I Iiid my two bottles where they can't find em, and four times a day I go and take a modrit nip. Biit they can't last long, even yoosed ez sparinly ez I do. Deekin Pogram is askin me evry day uv my opinyun uv the here- after, and the rest uv em wood leeve the Corners ef they hed any earthly way uv gettin out. Bascom hez ordered a new invoice, but Hevin knows when it will come. Bz I hev but a pint left, may the day be not far dis- tant. Curses on Pollock and Bigler who did this thing. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Wich wuz Postmaster.) ME. NASBY AKD HIS PEIENDS GDAED AGAINST THE CEUSADBRS. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), April 25, 1874. When the wimmin destroyed wat whisky Bascom hed on hand, two weeks ago, a. gloom settled onto the entire Gorneis. With the excepshun uv the little saved, wich dripped thro the floor, there wuz not a drop uv. anything within reach. Parched, burnt up, I exclaimed one mornin in 'agony, with the anshent mariner: "Water, water everywhere, ' ' But not a di-op to diluir." Three days passed, and Deekin Pogram staggered into Bascom's, faint- In and well nigh exhausted. "Hev the supplies come yit?" askt the good old man. "Nary!" sed Bascom, a, teer glitrin in his left eye, and rolled pen- sively down his face, washin out a furrow for Itself ez it rolled. In one corner, on a nail-keg sat Issaker Gavitt with his face berried in his hands, the pikter uv woe, while Kernel McPelter laid out on a bench' braathln heavily. Tub Nasby IiETTEas. 185 Imagine men In the grate Sahayra Desert with ther water all gune. Imagine men on a raft in mid-ocean with no water! Then yOo will git a faint idee uv the oondlshen we wuz in. At last one mornin Bascom's oldest son, Jehial, who hed kept at thd stashen at Secessionville all the time for two .weeks, with a single wagonj wuz seen ridin down the hill urjln the mule to its utmost speed. "Hooray!" sed Bascom, "it hez come at last!" Immejitly there wuz a change. Deekin Pogram rlz, and fallin on hia knees sed devoutly, "Thank Hevlns!" Issaker sprang to his feet, and EU der Pennibacker and MoPelter shouted, "Ha! Ha!" with ez much powei* ez they hed left in 'em. Thank the Lord the mule didn't baulk. Ez ef Impressed with the Im.- ■portance uv Its mishen. It come up gallantly to the door, and backed up squarely, that the precious load mite be easily and quickly taken out. It iwuz unloaded safely; the splgut wuz driv In, a bottle wuz filled, we drank' the revivin draft and wuz saved! But how to pertect our treasure wuz the question. Luclndy Gavitt had swore that she wood bust every barrel v llkker that wuz brot to the Coj;-: . ners, and we knowd she wood keep her oath ef it wuz possible. Issaker sejested that she be pizened, but the idee wuz yoonanlmously reieiBted. "Hev I no friends?" askt Issaker. "Do yoo all hate me?" A good many other plans wuz dlscusst to head off this terrible female, but none uv em seemed feasible. At last I hit It. I sed that we must guard it with our strong rite arms, iiet us arm ourselves with axe-helves, and go out on each uv the four roads and stop by force every woman who appears on the Street, on^ less it Is certain she hez no hostile Intenshuna. Let us go in twos — eight will suffice. Let us be stern and inflexible. Bascom thought the sejestion wuz a good one. "Uv course," sed I, "the picklts will be entitled to their sustenance, gratis, while In active service?" "Certainly!" sed Bascom, "at regler Intervals, when no enemy Is in Bite, they may come In and get a refresher and git back to their dooty." Then came a trouble wich I hed not anticipated. Every man in the Corners volunteered to go on guard dooty. That free drink wuz a bounty wlch fetched em. It wuz finally announced that wfe shood take turns at it. Myself, Dee- kin Pogram, Issaker Gavitt, Capt. McPelter, Absulum Pettus, Zach Por- geous. Elder Pennibacker and Sim McGrath, I selected for the first day's dooty. I put myself In the first day, for I wanted the first pull at the ar- rangement, hevln an Idea how it wcod come out. The Deekin and I volunteered to take the post uv danger, wich wuz the south road onto wich Luclndy Gavitt lived. "We went out and took our stashuns, and looked up the road and down the road. "There Is no wimmin in site. Is there?" sed the Deeklti. "Nary!" sed I; "the coast is clear!" ^ ' "Parson, the coast bein clear. Isn't It time that we go down to Bascom's for the refresher he spoke uv? This Is fearfully tryin dooty." I agreed with the Deekin, that, bein old men, we needed suthin bracin, and. down we went. Ez we entered the door we wuz astonished to see the Other six, at the bar, all a takln their drinks. 186 The ISUsby Ijettbrs. We got ours and went back, and again viewed the field. It wuz stSU quiet. Lucindy wuz, it wuz evident, not yet ready to move. "Deekin," sed I, "doth the foe appear?" "Nary foe," sed he. "The enemy is not in site." "England expex every .man to do his dooty, Deekin, but hedh't we bet- ter amble gently to Bascom's, and git a sustalner? This is fearfully ex- haustin." Before the words wuz out uv my mouth the Deekin hed made a dozen rods. I wuz pleased to see the old man so active. We reached Bascom's in a very short time — very short, indeed, and there, someiwhat to my sur- prise stood the other six, all crookin the pregnant hinges uv the elbow. Bascom did not hev a pleased expression on his countenance. Agin we departed for our posts, and we peered up and down the road. We saw suthin movin out uv Issaker's house! It wuz a female. The sec- ■ ond look reveeled the muskeler form uv Lucindy! She hed her sun-bun- net on and a axe In her hand! "Deekin," sed I, "stand firm. That enraged woman is a goin for Bas- com. Let us acquit ourselves like men." The Deekin's nose grew blooer, but his lips closed ominusly. I felt I cood depend on him. But Lucindy didn't go out the front door-yard. She hed come out to split wood, and she split, and takin an armful went back Into the house. He wuz nervous- with excitement. "Parson!" sed the Deekin, "I'm all unstrung. I thought the hour uv conflict hed come. This drain on my nervous system is too much. I must hev a soother." And we went. I wuz frozen with astonishment. The first site that met my eyes ez we entered Bascom's, wuz the other six a standln back from the bar and lissenln to Bascom, who wuz gestlculatln wildly. "This little game is played out," sed Bascom. "You git no more likker uv me except in the regler way." "But Bascom," sed I, "ef we guard yoor property, its ez little ez yoo kin do to keep us in refreshments. Consider our ardoouS servis." "Bah!" wuz the reply. "Yoo've bin on dooty an hour, and yoo've drunk four times, wich is to say thirty-two drinks in an hour. I've been exercisin a little arithmetic while yoo wuz oxit, th"o yoo didn't stay away long enuff to give me time to do a sum in simple multiplicashen decently. But in a barrel there is about twelve hundred drinks — at this rate yoo'd (Jrink a barrel in two days. This look^' to me as tho yoo wuz pertektin yoor (Property insted uv mine. I don't want my property pertekted on these terms. Such pertekshen may be suffishent, but it's rather expen- sive. I " "But, G. W„" I replied, "do yoo want these wimmin a, raidln on yoor premises? Do you want this precious flooid a runnin all over this floor agin?" "I wopd ez soon see it a runnin all over this floor ez to see it a runnin down yoor throats, gratis. I don't see that it makes any difference to me where it runs, ef I don't git nothin for it. Gentlemen, it's money or no likker." And here it ended. Bascom wuz inflexible. The grocery hez no or- ganized pertekshun. 'Bf we hev no money, we kin git no likker, and with- out likker we shel git too weak to hev the power to resist. Whenever Lu- cindy and her petticoated hosts appear, they will hev an easy vlctrj'. I am without hope. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Wich wuz Postmaster.) The Nasby Letters. 187 TEOUBLB WITH THE KEGEOES AT THE CORFBES. Confedrit X Roj.as, (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky), Sept. 1, 1874. The nigger insurreokshun wich shook 'the Corners from center to cir- cumference, attracted the attenshun uv the governor uv this noble state, and he some down to see ef suthin coodent be done to arrange the matter with a view uv hevin peece spread Her white wings over this distracted seckshun. He didn't order any uv us a]-rested, for, ez a rool, noboddy is ever arrested for murder in Kentucky but niggers and paupers, and he didn't deem It advisable to arrest any niggers, onless we insisted onto it, wich we didn't, for we claim to be able to fite our own battles with our op- pressors, without the aid uv the State. But the governor did advise conciliashen and harmony. Said he: "Why can't yoo compermise with these people? Why don't yoo con- cede suthin to them, and they concede suthin to yoo, and work and live together In peece? It wood be better." Bascom swore he'd be blest first, afore he'd affiliate with any nigger. "Ain't yoo standin in yoor own lite?" replied the governor. "Think uv It. Ef yoo wuz on good terms with them niggers, coodn't yoo hev em for customers at yoor bar?" "I see," sed Bascom, "and hale the sejestion. They pay cash." "And I see a politikle pint In it," I exclaimed joyfully. "Let em git • to be regler customers uv Bascom's, and they'll all be Dimocrats in six months. No Republiken kin drink this likker and endoor." And it wuz agreed that we shood isfioo a request to the niggers uv the Corners that, throwin aside all prejoodisses and all feelin that hed grown out uv the late oriplaasantnis, ez well ez the recent small ones, they shood meet the white Democrisy in a People's convenshiin, and yoonite in po- litikle ackshen, with a, view to hevin hereafter that peece and goad feelin without wich no community cood be reely prosperous. I wrote the call and it wuz sent out. The niggers consulted over it, and decided that it wuz wat they wantid, percisely. They expressed theirselves willin to forget all that hed happened, and to co-operate with us in bringin about the era uv good feelin. Accordingly a eonvenshun wuz called to nominate corpora.shen officers, to be composed uv citizens, Irrespective uv color, assurin our colored fel- low-citizens that they shood come in with us on a. fair and ekitable footin, and that they shood hev an even show with us in everything. The day uv the eonvenshun the niggers wuz present in full force, and for prudenshal reasons it wuz deemed advisable that the whites shood also put in an appearance to an extent to over-balance em, wich we did. For the sake uv effeck, I called a nigger preacher (who is a sort uv a leeder among em) to a sect on the platform and shook hands with him. "I trust yoo are well," I sed corjilly. "Tollable," sed he. "I hain't got all the buckshot out uv my shoulder yet, but de ole woman sez de balance will come out uv itself." Issaker Gavitt hed drawd a, beed on him the week afore. After several speeches, In wich the Corners wuz congratulated on the prospeck uv peece, good will and harmony, .nominashens wuz in order. Issaker Gavitt promptly nominated G. W. Bascom for mayor, wich wuz carried afore the niggers hed a chance to say anything. 188 The Nasbt Lettees. Then Deekin Pogram moved that Capt. McPelter be yoonanjmously nominated for marshal, wich wuz put and carried before any discussion cood be hed. At this pint, the nigger element In this Citizens' convenshun com- menced fermentin. The preecher rose and wantid to know, afore any other nominashens wuz made, just eggsaotly wat a citizens' convenshun wuz. When the colored citizens wuz invited to partissipate, it wuz presoomed that there wood be some deference paid to em, and that He didn't get any furder, for I called him to order, and reprimanded him mildly for interdoosin topics calkelated to disturb the operashuns uv a convenshun called in the interest uv peece and harmony. Immejitly Cy- mon McGrath nominated for constable Issaker Gavitt, wich wuz carried to wunst. ^ The nigger preecher rose wunst more and Insistid on bein heerd. He remarkt that the colored citizens hed bin invited to jine in a conven- shun that wuz for peece, and supposed that the offishels to be norninated wood be sich ez wood enshoor peece. But the perceedins didn't soot him much. Bascom hed bin nominated for mayor. It wuz at Bascom's house that the raid on the colored people hed bin decided on, and Bascom par- ticipated in it. Capt. McPelter hed bin nominated for marshel. Capt. Mc- Pelter last Toosday killed a brother-in-law uv the speeker. Issaker Gavitt hed bin nominated for constable. The speeker hed in his body that minit slugs from Issaker's shot gun. Ef the nominashens wuz to be all on ona side — ef they wuz to be all Dimokrats, and all men wich hed bin perse« kooters of the colored people, -why then — Uv course I coodent stand that kind uv incendiary talk; I stopt him with the simple statement that while we wantid peece, and quiet, and sich, and desired to do ekal and eggsact justice, we wuznt agoln to allow no niggers to interfere in any way that wuz onpleasant. ^nd moreover— I didn'^ git any further with my speech, for by the time I hed uttered the word "moreover," Issaker Gavitt and Capt. McPelter hed become en- raged to a degree that admitted uv no reason. They went for them nig- gers fearful. Issaker happened to be near the preecher, and he gave him one under the left ear that wuz terrible, and that ended the harmony. The rest uv the white residents uv the Corners weJit for them niggers, and in less than ten minits all uv em wuz out uv that room, ceptin a dozen or more, who coodent get out owin to their injoorles. Uv course the effort to bring about peece and harmony with the niggers is a failyoor. They are onreasonable. When they object to wa«t we want it riles the Corners, and when the Corners is riled there is no yoose uv at- temptln anything. The idea! To think that these people wood object to sich men ez Bascom, Issaker Gavitt and Capt. McPelter holdiu offisf Wat kin be done with sich people? Wat sense is there in tryin to co- operate with em? Uv course we wanted peece and harmony atid co-opira- Bhen, but uv course we never cood consent that a. nigger cood be nomi- nated for offis, or that a white man identified with em, cood be. I hev bin informed sence, that these wretches intended to nominate Joe Bigler for marshal, and that they expected that half the ticket wuz to be made up u V their friends ! I shel never attempt to co-operate with them onreasonable belns agin. It is impossible for em to understand the sltooashen, or to comprehend) their poslshen. I am disgusted with em. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, CWloh wuz Postmaster.) The i^ASBT Letters. 189 ME. NASBY TEIBS TO GET HIS PEOPLE IN AN" ADVANCED POSITION. Cqnfedrit X Roads, CWlch is In the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 3, 1874: I hev bin for a long time convinst that the prinslple trubble -with the Democrlsy wuzia sort uv laclc "uv progressivenis, of adaptability, ef I may BO speak, to changes in the requirements uv the times. Dimocrisy has alluz bin In a rut, and it never kin git on to glory, in my opinyun, til it gits histed out uv it. I determined that the Cross-Roads, at leest, shood be progressive, and Ehood take the lead in makln Dimocrisy all that it ought to be. 'in short, I perposed to Inoggerate a noo deparche:^, and bring the old party up abreast with the live Ishoos uv the day. ,To this end I consulted with Deekin Pogram, Issaker Gavltt and Capt. McPelter, and they agreed with me that that wuz wat ought to be done, and that no time shood be lost a doin uv it. Ever prompt, I se- gestid that we git together that very night, in the back-room at Bas- cora's, and draw up a progressive platform, wich shood go forth to the world ez the prinslpples uv the progressive Dimocrisy uv the Cross- Roads, wich we shoed live by. But the ill-luck wich hez followed me all my life, and hez well nigh brot my gray hairs In sorrow to the grave, wuz close behind me on this oocashun. At five that afternoon, I wuz sent for to go to Secessionville to serve on a joory to try a nigger for hog steelin, wich uv course cood not be put off. I told Issaker, the Deekin and McPelter to git together, and draw up the resolooshens and send em to the county paper to insert. , "Make em strong and peppery;" I sed. "Avoid the musty noshens uv the. dead past, and strike out suthiri new and startlin. Make em pro- gressive, and put yourselves in accord with to-day. Remember that all old things must be done away with and all things must become new. Head off the Ablishnists and Grangers and sich by goin back onto the old, and being more progressive than even they are." With this advipe I left and went to Secessionville and tried the nig- ger. We didn't waste any time on evidence or anything uv that sort. Nor did we leave the box. We brought him in guilty, and to save the county costs hung him at once. I got home the nejft momln, and went to Issaker's, immejit, to see wat they hed done. ' "Did yoo draw up them resolooshens?" I askt. "We did," sed he, "and sent em off, and they are in print afore this time." "Are they progressive?" askt I. "Yoo bet!" sed he. "Did yoo ignore old ishoos? did yoo draw a sponge over the past, and are they full of live, new ideas?" "They are," sed he; "here Is a copy uv em." i . I took the paper and red: "Whereas, It seems ez tho the Corners hed a call to step In the front rank uv the progressive men uv to-day, and "Whereas, The Corners believin in progress, turns its back onto the dead.palat, and Ignores the dead ishoos wich hez heretofore okkepied thai public mind; therefore be it 190 The Nasby Letters. "Resolved, That the Dlraocrisy uv the "Corners believe the war of 1S12 vvuz Justifiable, and hereby return their thanks to the heroic soljers and salers who so nobly sustained the lionor uv the coontry's flag in that des- prit strug-gle. "Resolved that the resolooshens uv '98 meet our harty approval, tho we aint jest certin wat they wuz. "Resolved that the late war agin the South wuz conseeved in sin, and wuz a blow aimed at the only chivalry this country ever hed, and tliat the results therof wuz all brot forth in inikity^ ■ "Resolved, That Afrikin slavery Is not only justified by the Holy Skrip- ters, but is the normal thing for this or any other country. "Resolved, That we brand the emansipashen proclamashen ez em- anatin from a gorilla, and the constitushnel amendment abolishen slavery ez a fraud wich we are not called upon to recognize. "Resolved, That a nigger is a Inferior bein, and that whoever asserts his rite to any ekality with the proud, sooperior Caucashen race is a fan- atic and agitator, and ought not to be allowed ■ to live in a free country. ' . , ■' ■ uin ste fast y to the doctrine uv States rites, the rite uv secession, and the rite uv each state to govern itself ez it dam pleases. "i "Resolved, That the laws agin marrying niggers should, for the per- teckshun uv our young men be more rigidly enforced than ever. , "Resolved, That all legislashen agin the likker interest is uv ^' I cood read no longer. I dropped the paper and gnashed my teeth. "Is this yoor idee uv suthin progressive?" I asked. "Is this yoor no^ shen uv buryin dead ishoos? Is this yoor idee of gettin into the van uv public opinyun and hevin some advanced noshens?" "It's all the Democrisy we knew anything about," sed Issaker, and Oeekin Pogram comin up remarkt that he bed stood onto sich a platform ez that ever since he hed voted, and it wuz good enufC for him. It wuz no use to argue with them, for they are iron-clads. I merely remarkt to em that while they wuz about it they ought to _hev resolved suthin about the stamp act, Hanipden^s opposishen to ship-money, the Punic wars, Alexander's invashen uv Asia, and above all things they shood hev protestid agin the Imposlshen uv the Egypshens in requiriii the Israelite to make brix without straw. "The trouble with them resolooshens Is," sed I, with a witherin look at em, "the subjex is too recent." And I strode hastily away. The resolooshens wuz in print, and will go North. Yoo cant git them old noshens out uv the head uv an old line Democrat any more than yoo kin keep em from drinkin corn whiskey. It hez alluz been my misforchoou to hev asses to deal with. Heaven help me, how much I hev to endoor at their hands. PETROLEUM V. NASB'f, (Wich wuz Postmaster.) MR. NASBY GOBS TO OHIO O^ A POLITICAL ERRA.ND. _ (The state campaign in Ohio in 1875 involved the absurdity so graphic- ally showed up in the following letter— of the nomination by the Demo- money man for governor on a. green- back platform, and of a man who was noted as a temperance orator for lieutenant governor when the platform contained a free liquor plank.) Pettuses Corners, (Wich is in Suthern Ohio), -August 2, 1S75. Ther hez bin a heep uv trouble crowdid into the seventy yeers that 1 hev lived onto this earth— probably more than hez fallen to the lot uv any one man now livin, Them ez hez seen ez much trouble ez I hev all died The Nasby Letters. 191 under It. I live becoz uv a mind that laffs at mlsforchoon, and defies fate And besides I hev suthln to live for. So long ez ther's a barrel uv whisky attainable and a Dimekratlc party, I perpose to exist. When they go out I shel probably succum. I am hevin my regler amount uv trouble now. Jest ez soon ez the day come for the Dlmekratie state oonvenshun at Columbus, I went over to Pettuses Corners, in Ohio, to assist in organlzen that county for the ensooln eleckshun, for I realized the fact that ez Ohio goes this fall so the next Presidenshal eleckshun goes, and that the party calls upon every Democrat to do his whole dooty. For me success npx t yeer i-i cesslty. That post offls at the Corners must be mine if ever. Failyoor would break my heart. Pettuses Corners Is the most Dlmekratie uv all the villages in Suth- ern Ohio. It hez a populashen uv say 500, wich supports six prosperous groseries, two good bars at taverns, and a small skool-house, wich hez never bin finished, and In wich the Methodists hold their meetins. It is a very small skool house, but it is large enuff for the meetim on Sunday. The inhabitants mostly devote theirselves to politics and the groseries. The county offlshels pay for the likker uv the rest uv the citizens, wich makes it a soft thing all around. Uv course every Dimokrat in the county is born with the expectashen uy, some day, holdln a, county offls. To be infirmary director is glory— to be county treasurer is the summit uv earthly grandyer. Them ez is suc- cessful start in ez infirmary directer, then thay git to be county commish- ner, then the legislacher, then sheriff. At this pint most uv em goes hence with delirium tremens. Occasionally one whose stumick is glass- lined and backed up with fire-brick, goes on to be auditor and treaserer but them is excepshuns. To go the whole string, a tremendus constltushen is necessary. Ther ain't no money In holdln offls there, for it costs the entire s^lnrv the first year to sekoor the eleckshun, and the entire salary and a mort- gage on yoor farm every yeer thereafter to keep it; but then an offlshel can't treat a voter without drinkin likewise, so he hez a good time ef he does rooin hisself. Naterally, however, some of them make theirselves good by an occa- sional defalcashen, and by.spekelatin in county improvements; but opper- toonlties is limited in the county, and it won't do ez a reliance. I arrived at Pettuses the nite uv the day uv the convenshun, and wuz welcomed with open arms. I got the Diraocrisy together to ratify the nominashens, that we mite go into the campane with that enthoosiasm wich is necessary to success. We waited for the nominashens impatiently, and finally they came: For Governor— Willyum Allen, i For Lieut. Governor — Samyooel F. Cary. "Three cheers," I sung out, "for Allen and Cary!" The cheers wuz given with a will. The Dimokrisy uv Pettus' Corners are excellent at cheerin. The platform adopted by the convenshen hadn't coae to hand, but I didn't care. I perceeded to draft a resolooshen or two, for I knowd the candidates so well — I wuz so well posted ez to their antecedents and ut- terances — tha,t I felt perfectly certln wat the platform wuz on wich they wuz placed, and I wrote the resolooshens accordin. The follerln wuz the RtsU 192 The Nasbt Letters. Resolved, That It is the yoonanlmous expreshun uv the Dimokrisy UY Pettuses Corners, that in naminatin for governor Willyum Allen, the elo- kent champion of hard money, the Dimocratle state convenshun merits the gratitood not only uv the " Dlmocrisy uv the Yoonited States, but uv efvery honest man. That his tringln denunciashen uv dirty rag-money, and his upholdin uv the old Dimocratic idee uv hard money, -will, in the fucher, ez in the pEist, be potent for the perteckshun uv a long-sufferin and 'oppresst people. "My friends," sed I, drawln myself up so ez to resemble Dan'l Web- ster ez much ez possible, "before yoo take a vote on this resolooshen, I hev a word to say. Willyum Allen, Ole Bill Allen, honest Ole Bill Allen, is emfatikally the people's friend. He is the natural enemy uv moaopoliste,! uv, banks. and bankersi, and the most inveterate, vhidio- tive, deadly enemy uv this flood uv rotten paper money wich hez so long afflicted the kentry and blited Its prosperity. Honest Ole Bill Allen hez from hlz infancy denounst papes money ez the insidious foe uv the workin man, thei destroyer uv the ,farmer, and the oppressive weapon uv the bloated aristocrat. In the Senit and on the stump,' by voice and pen. Honest True Ole Bill Allen hez demandid that gold, hard, honest gold, only shood be considered money, and that the dirty, filthy rag money Ishooed by a black Republican Congris be stampt out. That de- mand he renoos to-day — that demand a Dlmekratic state convenshun hez made by nominatin him, and let us, the Dimokrisy of Pettuses Comers, nailin our kolors, 'Hard Money Forever!' to the mast, pass this reso- looshen." The speech fecht em, and the resolooshen wuz passed with sich em- phasis ez I never seed. Then three roiisin cheers wuz given for Honest Ole Bill Allen, the friend uv the people and the hope uv the country — the vndaunted, rnpurchisable friend uv hard money, and the denouncer uv rag money in watever shape It come. So far so good. They passed this resolooshen easily, for ez none uV em ever had any money they never wuz pertikeler ez to wat pertilveler kind they endorsed, but the next step wuz reely a delilcit one. I had knowd Sam Gary for years, and knowd him ez the very hed and front uv the temperance party uv the state. I knowd he wuz a Son uv Tempei-ance and the most intolerable prohibishlnlst this state hed ever bin oust with. I hed myself heerd him denounce the likker s^^ler ez only fit to be hung, and It hed bin my pleasin dooty to help rotten-egg him on several occa- shens when he wuz makln rabid temprance speeches. Hence I 'coodent quite understand why he wuz put upon the tickit. But I persoomed that, our leaders hed determined on a bold stroke to ketch the temprance vote, relyin on the known characteristics uv the party to hold the whlskyl vote. So to give Samyool a send-off I interdoost this resolooshen: Resolved, That the Dimokrisy uv Pettuses Corners endorse the nom- inashen uv Samyooel Cary heartily, and likewise the prinsiples he hez so long and ably advocated. That the likker traffic is a evil wich shood' be mitigated and finelly eradicated. There wuz some murmurln at this, but I tld em It wuz no yoose to murmur; that we hed to carry the state, and that the end justified the. means. And the passed it with three cheers for Cary and prohitalshen. Then we adjourned to the various groseries. and the candidateSi worked up a great deal uv Dlmekratic enthooslasm. The nextl mornin we assembled at Splldden's grosery to get the Cliislii-> The Nasby Letters. 193 natl papers with the full persedlns uv the convenshun, wlch wen they ar- rived I read. "Why this palenis of face and this ghastly bloonis uv nose?" demand- jed the sheriff. "Run!" I exclaimed, "run for yoor lives. Stop the Battle- Axe uv Free- dom (wlch wuz the Dimekratic paper uv Pettus' Corners) from gittln out the perceedlns uv last nlte's ratification meetin.'' It wuz too late; the editor hed showd enterprise for just wunst in his life, and hed the paper out with the percedins in full, and a stunnln edi- torial endorsin the resolooshens. "Wat Is the matter?" exclaimed the entire crowd, seein that SUthIn un- common moved me. "Gentlemen, we hev made a mistake," I remarkt, with ez much cam- nls ez I cood command. "The Dimekratic state convenshun hez gone and put old Bill Allen on a rag-money platform, and Samyooel Cary on a whis- ky platform. I will never trust a, Dimekrat's record agin." T^ere wuz only wun thing to do. The Dimekratic mind is flexible and versateel. We merely met agin that nite and passed the rite resolooshens endorsin Allen and Cary, and the platform on wlch the convenshun put em; and we passed iem with just ez much enthusiasm ez we did em uv the percedin evenin, and everything Is serene and harmonious agin. I shel stay in this county and organize the party thoroughly before goin to my old Kentucky home. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Wunst Postmaster, and now Paper-money Missionary. Mk. JNASBT opens the 1876 CAMPAIGN WITH ADVICE TO HIS FEIENDS. Confedrit X Roads, (Wlch Is in the State uv Kentucky), May 17th, 1876. Another campane Is well-nigh onto and I feel the blood a bilin in my vanes. Like the war h?)ss turned out to grass— wich literally I hev bin ever sence the bustin uv the onlimited Trust and Confidence Company — v 1 heer the blare uv the trumpet, and I prick up my ears and tale, and cry ha! ha! to the carnage. I smell the smoke uv the conflict, and I smell, likewise, the plunder underneath that smoke. I see in the distance, , suc- cess, and behint that success, post-offis. Postoffls! PostofHs! Deliteful words! Wat Democrat Is ther that woodent git enthoosiastlc over that prospeck! I shel go into this campane with my sleeves rolled up. This is our last chance for a complete success. Success is wat we must hev, and that we may attain that success, I shel throw out a, few words uv admonishen, wich will be apples uv gold sot in pictures uv silver. We hev bin pasturln on barren feelds too long, and the fat bottoms of ofHshl patronage kin only come into our hands by acoot and skillful management. But ther is difilctflties in the way, no matter where we turn. Dlm- ocrisy is a curious combination — a curios and singler mixter. In the East to be a Democrat is to be a hard money man, uv , the hardest possible ffitrlpe in the West to be a Democrat is to be a soft money man, uv the softest possible stripe. Tllden, uv Noo York, who wood like to carry the Democratic banner to- victory, proposes to put onto its folds "Hard- 194 The Kasby Lkttees. money!" Allen, uv Ohio, who wuz resurrected from his twenty years' sleep, on purpus to embarrass the party, proposes to put on the banner, el It is given to him, "Soft-money and no end on't." Bf we put up Tilden and hard money, Allen and soft money kills l)im— ef we put up Allen and sofl money, Tilden and his friends hev the sweetest kind uv a knife for his in-, notfent throte, and when we come to tariff and banks, there is an ekallj onreconellable dlfCerens uv opinyun. To reconcile these difCrences is Impossible. There ain't no yoose Ie tryin it, and I ain't a goin to. Dodgin is now, ez ever, the Democrats ■test holt. The man wich kin lift jist two hundred pounds shows might} little discreshn wen he strains hisself at 250, and I am a man uv discreshn We must hev nuthin to do with the questions on wich anybody differs. Ig- norin is wisdom. Ther ain't only on ishoo on wich the Dlmocrisy kin plant itself, witli any hope uv success — only one question on wich there kin be perfect yoo- nanimity — and that ishoo is Reform! On that we are a, yoonlt — on thai' we kin agree ez sweetly ez a. spring mornin. It is not my judgment alone that I depend onto in this matter. I hen consultid all the leaders uv the party onto it— that is all the actooal lead- ers, them ez actooally control things. I writ to that gileless patriot] WlUyum Tweed, Esq., who is now a pining on a furrin shoar in conse kence uv a corrapt joory, wich enquired ez to wat he hed done with tei millions uv the public munney, and wuz not content to take his word for 11 that he hed spent it legally. His anser wuz so striklnly in accordance witl my noshens uv things that I give the heart ev it: "Let our watchword be 'Reform and Purity in Official Posishen.' E; my lawyers kin git them indictments squashed in time, I will come honi; and help in the campane. I kin yit controle over two hundred s'loons ii the lower wards uv the city, and ef I kin git back back I kin organizf my eld forse, and restore Tammany to its old posishen, ez the controller u^ the Dimoorisy. The trick uv repetin hez not bin forgotten, and I kiri handle them fellers ez well ez ever I cood. 'Reform and Purity' is mj watchword." Peter B. Sweeny, who Is yit in Paris, a. livin ruther quiet than other wise, wuz still more emphatic. He sez— but I will' give his own words: "Reform Is wat we want. I am tired uv livin abroad, and I want tt git back to Noo York. I want a hand in the comin campane, for I hev jis ez much power ez ever, ef I kin only git the cussid Republlkins out uv th( way. The repeeters ain't ded yit; and ez ship-loads uv patriotic Irishmen who are willin to take oflBs ez soon ez they land, are a comin every day, ; kin help to govern Noo York ez well ez ever I did. But wat yoo want t{ do is to make this flte on reform and purity. Do this ano git me and Tweed back, and we will make things hum There is Noo York and Its tax levies for the victors, and ef tin currency, tariff, and all them miner questions are squelched, and the bat tie is fought on the simple question uv reform and personal purity li offishl posishen we kin win it. Reform is our watchword, and that is wa I insist upon. I am absent but not forgotten." Connolly, who is resldin In Belgium, where there is no extradishe: treaty, and consekently where the laws uv the Umlted States forchnitl; can't reach him, wich makes him entirely independent uv the country wiol he hez adoptid, writ me a letter In wich he give me his views ez to th sltuashen, wich is ez follers: "I hev only wun interest in the ensooin eleckshun — only wun. lonely eggslle on a furrin shoar, I cast my eyes longinly to my native lanl The ITasbt Lettiirs. 195 md yeaHi fur It. Sence me and the rest uv old Tammany hev left Amerl- ky I hey observed with more disgust than I kin put language into, the corrupshens that hev eaten out the hart uv the country uv my adopshen. I earnestly hope that the Dimocrisy will take hold uv this thing in earnest and reform it. Wat we want is puiity. Owin to circumstances — wich the same is indictments — I can't come back persnelly to assist in the shindy, hut I pledge to yoo the yoose of my old and stanch repeeters in the lower wards of Noo York, wleh, ef they kin depend onto havin their expensis paid and their whack in the offlses, and in contracks after the eleckshuns, kin be depended on to do the work jist ez good ez ever they did. Let the platform be heavy and solid for purity and reform." Oakey Hall wants reform and purity, and in sich a coz he is willin to give a fourth uv the forchin he made when he was the astoot rite bower iof Tweed. I hev heerd from em all. The Dimocrisy uv the Sixth ward uv Noo Tork, wher X wunst run a small grosery, are to a man for reform. Pen- dleton wants reform, and every man wich wuz turned out of oflls when Johnson went out is a clamorln for it. The Southern Dimocrisy wants reform. They say In their letters to me, "Give us a Reform platform, and we'll put away our shotguns, and keep our hands oft the niggers till after the eleckshuns, shoor. We won't insist on our rites to kill niggers, and keep em from havin anything to do with matters, till the elecshun uv a Dimecratic President gives us the rite to do ez we please." Their constant remark is, "Go in heavy for Reform, and make that the _ one Ishoo." » The dooty uv the party is clear. Give us a platform based entirely onto reform. We kin carry it. It is a. great many yeers sence we wuz tt power, and by this time the people hev forgotten us and they will take us eezy. If we do this we kin succeed Beyond question. The Millenium ain't come yit, nor hez there bin any especial change in things. We hev the doggeries, the Catholic church and all the lower elements. They are al- luz ours, and they are ez strong ez ever. Until sin goes out uv the world there will be a Dimekratic party. Humanity in the United States is divided Into two classes — them ez wear clean shirts and sox, and — Dimocrats. And so long ez this division is observed we are sound. It is a good time for us. Kverything is in our favor. It hez bin a cold spring— the farmers are all behind with their work. Ther hez bin frost in places, wich hez destroyed the froot, and ther is a joyful prospeck uv a short crop uv everything. The peoifle is dissatisfied about it, and uv course they will charge everything to the administrashen. A failyoor uv the po- tato crop is worth thousands uv votes to theDlmocrisy, any time. It is only when things is jist ez bad ez they can that anybody ever thinks uv goin to the Dimocrisy for a change. Wat we want is a good mouth-flllin platform — a platform wich looks well, and wich the pople will be satisfied with. Troo, wat is promised afore eleckshun and wat happens afterward is two things, but let to-morrow take care uv itself. Wat we want now is success. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Wich hopes to be Postmaster.) 196 The Nasby Letters. ME. NASBY'S EXPERIENCE AT THE DBMOCATIC NATIONAL CONVENTION. Confedrit X Roads, CWich is In the State uv Kentucky), Joon 9th, 1876. I determined to hev a hand in the nominashen to be made at St. Loois, for in case we elect our candidate I hev a rather pressin desire to hev suth- In to say in the distribooshen uv patronage — that division uv spoils wich is alluz so pleasin to the weary soljer who hez won his fite. I wuzn't eggsackly pertickeler ez to wich candidate I supported^ for, jest at this time I am ez flexible in ray pref srences ez a kid glove. I sim- ply determined to throw my inflooence to the man who cood the best enable me to git square with the people uv the Corners, who hev so long and pa- shently give me credit for the food I hev et, and the likker I hev con- soomed. Cloze I don't keer much for; for the summer is onto us, and people will hang linen cloze out on the lines to dry em, and ef an enterurLsin man can't keep hisself comfortable at this season, it is becoz heis averse to midnite rambles. I shan't say who it wuz or wher it wuz done, but a prominent Demo- crat who is anxious to be persuaded to serve one term, at least, ez Presi- dent, did furnish me with money to go to Washington to inflooence sich delegates ez mite be there, in his interest. Wheu I got to "Washington I wuz trooly sorry that I hed undertaken the work. X feared I shood fail, and twict I seriously thought ef It woodent be best, to save my reputashen, to quietly go to Canada, and re- main there permanently. But I felt that wood be a breach uv confidence and beside ther wuzn't money enuff to keep me till the affair should be for- gotten, and I cood come back honorably. So I determined that I wood be honest, and carry out my contrack faithfully. The question with me wuz, how to do it? Wood Dlmekratic delegates take money for their votes in a convenshun that wuz to decide the fate uv the kentry? Never! I felt it wood be an insult to offer it to em, and I really didn't care to. And my fet,r increased when I heerd a dozen on em denouncin the usin uv money to inflooence delegates, I felt I shood hev to go back and refund the cash, wich nearly broke my hart. I wux sad in hevin money to yoose among men uv sich Spartan virchoo that not wun uv em wood tech a cent uv it for their votes. But it happened on nite I wuz standin in the bar room at Willard's, a quietly takin another wun with a passel uv Democratic friends, when un- der the inflooence uv the last wun, I 'happened injudishusly to drop the remark that I hed money to yoose for a favorit son. I hev been leeky for some time past when I hev taken eight or ten drinks too much, and this wuz leekiness that wuz inexcoosiljle. But I sed it, and had to abide the consekences. There wuz sich a change come over that crowd ez I never saw afore come over mortle men. "Wat is the number uv yoor room?" askt a dozen uv em glowrin at the rest, with looks uv wrath. "Wat hour kin I see yoo to-night?" eagerly demanded a dozen more. "I controle the delegashen uv my state!" whispered In my ear a dozen more. A.n4 immejitly twenty delegate? unaertook to put thejr arms thro mine, THE JNasby Letters. ' 197 and haul me off in different direoshuns, and tliey pulled so vlsohusly that my coat, ■wich I borrowed uv Deekin Fogram to come in, wuz well-nigh roolned. I got away from em, finelly, and got into my room. Then cards com- menst comin up from delegates from every state in theToonyun, to w ich I paid no attention, for I saw the box I hed got into. In about five minits theai ez sent the cards commenced comin theirselves, and I loclced the door. But this did not avale. Four uv em got into a row at the door ez to wich uv em shood hev the first lick at me, and in the skrimmage they fell aginst the door and bustid it open. There wuz then no escape. The crowd poured in and I wuz pulled and hauled wuss than a stranger is by Noo York hackmen. "I kin controle the delegashen uv my state," shouted one, "and wat yoo hev to yoose on that state yoo want to give to me." "It's a lie!" shouted another patriot, "I hev that state In the holler uv my hand, and wat yoo hev devotid to that state will be wasted ef I don't git it." » "I don't keer a cuss wat candidate yoo are figgerin for," shouted another, "yoo can't nominate him until yoo hev seen me." "Gentlemen!" shouted I. "Heer!" yelled they all. And one enterprisin man pulled me to one side, and remarked that he hed the power to nominate any man he choosed, ef a trifle over four thou- sand dollars cood be hed to fix up a few refractory delegates who wer^ then In Washington. They worried me so that I wuz well-nigh dead — at least I almost wished I were, and in despair I rushed to my burow-drawer, determined to take wat had bin entrusted to me and throw it among em, hopin in the scramble that would ensoo to get out safe. So a Rooshn mother throws her children to the wolves to save her own life. Frantically I rushed to that drawer, but, grjishus hevins! it wuz open and the pockit book wuz gone! An akoot delegate hed stolen it, while the rest uv em wuz fltin over me. And wat wuz more aggravatin he hed taken my other shirt and a box uv paper collars that hed bin bot for me, that I mite make a decent appearance among the "Washinton Dimocrisy. The moment this wuz announced they all left me and went fn pursoot uv the delegate wat hed the spoils. But, thank heaven, they didn't catch him. It's ruther discouraging when men who are in pursoot uv reform hev to encounter sich venality. Wat kin be expected uv a government when a party devoted to reform treats its mishunaries in this way? How I am ever agoin to meet my candidate is more than I know. I am weary and sad, and besides I hevn't got enough money to take me liome. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Wich hopes to be Postmaster. THE DISPUTED PEESIDBNOY OP 1876. The following six letters cover the exciting period of the disputed Pres- idential election of 1876, the Electoral Commission, and the inauguration of Hayes: Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), January 1, 1877. The probabilities are that we are beaten for this time, and that for four long, dreery years the Dimocrisy will hev to feed upon dry hijsks, 198 The Nabbt Lbttees. . while our nateral enemies, the Hadlkels, are enjoyln the Joocy steaks uv' offlshl patronage. The Radlkels hev bulldozed us, or ruther, our bull- flozin wuzn't uv any account. Our efforts wuz uselis, and our powder and buckshot wuz wasted. My first impulses wuz to give up the weary struggle, and go out uv politix, but I can't. I hev held offls, and I can't relinquish the hope that I shel once more fill an offishl posishen, and live upon the people. But to do this ther hez got to be a change in the polisy uv the Dlrao- cratlo party. It wont do any longer. to depend on printid matter and speech-makin. Wat. it called "appeels to reeson" must be abandoned, be- coz the more leeson ig appeeled to, the less strength we hev. Reeson ain't in our line. Neether will it do to talk uv reform. It don't anser to put up a man like Tilden, and stand him up between John Morrlssey and Fernandy Wood, and try to make anybody bleeve in a, pure government from them. It won't work. It didn't work and It never will. We hev tried the respeo. tability dodge till I am tired uv it. To do that reklres clean shirts, and no genuine Democrat feels comfortable or easy in em. And besides when yoo git one of our fellows to go into clean linen, and get him everything else conformin, the chances are that he goes over to the Radikels to wunst. I've knowd several sich cases. We struck for freedom, but we didn't strike rite. To wrest the gov" ernment from the hands uv the oppressor, and hev a trooly republikiij government — one based upon the free suffrages uv a free people — ^we must change our methods, and sale on a, new tack. Our nateral holt is the lower classes, and if Tilden Is wise he will stick where his surest dependence is, and throwin himself boldly on em, devote all his energies to strengthenin that class. Hfi spent this yeer three millions uv dollars and failed. Now suppose he commences to wunst with three millions more, and lays the founda- shens deep and wide for a vlctry in 1880! It kin be done. Let him immejitly establish lines uv sailln vessels to Ireland, to the minin deestricks uv England, where a bull-pup is counted higher than a. baby, to the poorest parts uv Italy, and bring over free uv charge all that can be indoost to come. He must dodge France, for Frenchmen hev got a noshen uv liberty and equality wich unfits em for our purposes, and Germany, likewise, for Germans mostly read. He mite git some few from France and Germany, but they want to be carefully examined. It wood require ten thousand plantid in Ohio to carry that state, six thousand wood fix Noo Hampsheer, and that gives us the electoral college beyond a peradvencher, and at a comparative small cost. By movln out the surplus we hev in Noo York, 1 don't know but wat we might capcher lUinoy; at all events, wo can make Injeany abslootly shoor. Connecticut and Noo Jersey we kin alluz count on, for repeeters from Noo York kin easily take them states any time. Bz for the South, we kin hold them states ef we commence to wunst, and foller up our work carefully. We musn't put off nigger killin to the month before the eleokshun, thus givln uv era time to prepare theirselves, but it must be commenst now, to-day, and keep up slowly but shoorly, until the principle that white men must rool Ameriky shel be firmly estab. lished. The nigger must be given to understand that onless he gits safely into the bosom uv the Dlmekratio party he is liable at any minut to , glt int o "^HE Nasbt Letters. 199 Abraham's bosom— that unless he casts his ballot like a freeman with the Dimocrlsy, he can't hev any work, and ef he owns land, he won't be al- lowed to work that. And they must be electioneered now, so ez to git em In the proper frame uv mind to be enthooslastic by the time four years rolls around. This then wood be our sltooashen: \ Fifty thousand additional votes fiom furrln shears, dlstributid through the close states, carryin them. The nigger vote either convert! d to Dimocrlsy or killed. This gives us not only the Presidency, but the Senlt. The House we hev, and that wood be so strengthened that nothin under hevin oood touch it. Think uv the prospect! Uv course all this will take time, money and pashense. These freemen will not only hev to be brot here, but they will hev to be carefully looked after. Groseries will hev to be established at proper points, the price uv Ukker must be put down so ez to o<»me within the reach uv the most humble, and wher the voter isn't able to buy, he must hev it free. With groseries enufC, skool-houses and meetin-houses will languish, and all the impediments in the way uv a great Dimekratio triumph will be removed. We kin plant Confedrit X Roads all over the country, and they are un- assailable. One-half the money used in spreddin out reeding matter for people wlch coodent read wood hev brot enuff troo patriots to our shores to hev decided this eleckshun, and given us the postoffises this yeer. I lay great stress upon the Irish, for an Irishman kin git hlsself to be a voter, and ask for an offls quicker than any man on the face uv the globe. He is espeshally fittid for holdin offis. The nigger vote we kin git beyond question. A moral Idee Is all well enuff, but it can't hold out agin a shot-gun. Insted uv havin great masses uv em to be kept away from the poles, and hevin em throwd out by Ee- turnin boards, we will either hev em goln up gladly to vote the Dime- kratio tiklt, or else quietly reposin under the sod. When a nigger kin be killed for ten cents, wat is the yocse uv hevin him to bother us? Only we want to commence Immediately. I don't know that It is any yoose to bother with the niggers at all. Ef a proper disposlshen is made uv the raw material wlch finds its way to Nog York, we kin let em vote, and still carry enuff of the saates for nash- nel purposes. Still it Isn't fair to leeve our Southern brethren groanin with all the state and county oflises In the hands uv the Radikels. There must be enuff uv em killed or converted to wrest lokle rule from the hands uv the Ablishnists. Ef these suggestions Is carried out, ther won't be any trouble in hevin a, glorious vlctry four yeers from now. Ther is just ez much material to work with now ez ever— all that is wantid is to yootilize It properly. The Dimocrlsy wants to git back to its legitimit material, and work it up prop- erly. I hev hopes uv a postoffis yit. I am reddy to devote myself to this work now, and to continyoo it un- remittlnly for four years. I am willing to let the nashnel committy fur- nish me with four barls uv whisky, a box uv herrin, and portrates uv Tll- den and Hendrix to adorn my walls, and I will take any small village in Southern Ohio, and act ez missionary for the comin four years. And I will guarantee to hev that precinct fixed, so that the waves uv Radikelism wQl beet agin It in vane. 200 The Nasby LettEKS. Ther may be conslned to me enufC emigrants to overcome watever Rad- ikle majority ther may be, in the lokality, and I will try to find work enufC to keep em twelve hours, that they may pay for wat likker they ■want the other twelve. This makes it pleasant for them ana for me, and the coz will be strengthened. Let the committy consider this idee, and act on It to-wunst. It Is our only salvashen. The Dimokrisy hev alluz won when they dug iJown— never when they looked upward. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Ex-Reformer. MR. NASBY 'S VOICE IS FOE WAE. Confedrit X Roads, (Wlch is in the State uv Kentucky), - January 15, 1877. Halleloogy! The Dimocrisy hev tlnally got theirselves nerved up to the pint uv demandin Tilden or blood, and I am happy! I wuz at Columbus, Ohio, the eighth uv Janooary, and I left ther feelln better than I hev sense the eleckshun. I found ther a rampant war spirit that more than did me good. It wuz trooly a representative convenshun. There wuz present in that body every man in the state who wants a fed- rel appintment — evry man who wood like to be postmaster or collector wuz there, and in the matter uv patriots who wanted furrin mishuns the con- venshun wuz remarkably strong and Intellectocal. They wuz all thirstin for gore, onless Tilden cood be inoggeratid peeceably, and the feelin increased ez time wore on. Them ez wuz in the bar-rooms at the Neil and the Amerikin hotels, ez wuz for blood only ez a last resort, at six o'clock, became aggressive at eight, sanguinary at ten, and by twelve they wuz more than ragin for somebody's blood. Every drink they took made em sanguinarier, and about one I carried up to bed a dozen uv the most blood-thirsty Democracy I ever see. I do love to assist patriots who are in that pekoolyer condishn to bed, at about twelve at night. They never can tell the next momin wher they left their pocket handkerchers, and gloves, and wat loose change they hev about em. I alluz found the good Sa.maritan biznis profitable. Ef these same men hed only gone into the Confedrit army in 1861, and talk fite half ez dangerous ez they say they are a goin to now, there never wood hev bin no Hays elected this year. It is singler how many ablishnists are alive and with good appetites, wich these bold men mite hev killed twelve yeers ago. But we are alluz mlssin our best opportunities. I rejoist at the feelin in Columbus, for I hev decided that I want war, in any event. We hev hed peece long enuft, and we must hev com- moshen. I notist wunst wen I wuz engaged In earnin my livin by lyin on my back and see my mother bile soap, that when the kittle biled the scum cum to the surfis. Wat v/e need now is to hev it bile, and hence all sich convenshuns ez that at Columbus meets my hearty approval. It don't cost nothin to resolve, and where three or four Dimoorats are gathered togeiher they kin resolve jist as well ez tho they wuz a hundred or a. thousand. I want em to git together and resolve to wunst. They must resolve, first, that they know Tilden is electid, and, second, ef It is declared by the Senit or Soopreme court, or any other power on the face of the earth that he aint, they will inoggerate him by force. That is The Nasby Letters. 201 wat we want, and the work uv resolvin musst be commenst to wunst. I hev made an akkerit calkelashen, and am convinst that gore Is the most profitable thing for the Dimocrisy, take em ez they run. The Dimocrisy in the lower wards uv Noo York haint got anything to icse by a war, or anything else, nor hev we of the Cross -Roads. But the rich stores uv the Republikin merchmts uv Noo York, the rich factries uv the mill-men and manufactrers uv Noo England, the rich farms uv the Republikins uv Ohio, and the furnaces and manufactrles uv the Repub- likins uv Pennsilvany, and the banks uv the Repub- likin bankers uv the wliole country, they wood make sich pickin ez the armies wich Tilden and reform wood send forth never saw. My very mouth waters wen I think uv it. Ez a, matter uv course there are Dimocratic merchants, _ manufac- turers, bankers and farmers, who wood come in for an ekal distribution uv their effects among the sturdy defenders of the reform idee, and^they mite murmur, but they ought not to. The Dimocratic masses, wlch hev bin waitln and waitin for fifteen yeers, must hev their innins, and them innins must be made ez good ez possible. Cleerly the biznis Dim- ocrisy must not complane when we let loose the dogs uv war. War must be made, that in the disorder follerin it, there kin be that re-distrlbooshen uv property wich men ez hev bin selfishly labrin all their lives hev inikitusly accoomulated. In fact, I hed ruther Tilden v/ood sale into the Presidency thro bloody seas, than to hev him walk to it peeceably. We shood then hev a solid South, and the North wood be dlvidid so that it coodent do nuthin but pay the taxes. Then we shood repoodiate the national debt, ishoo green- bax till every one uv us wood hev all we cood carry, and we shel hev flush times. I think, with the experience I hed in the last war, I cood make enuff out uv a good' healthy war to keep me comfortable doorin the few days I am In this vale uv teers. It is an opportooonity wich we can't let slip. We don't pay no taxes, so that burden don't fall on us, and we git all the benefits. The idee uv livin on the enemy is deliteful. Let us hev more convenshun.-?. Let us meet everywhere and resolve. Let the Dimocrisy everywhere come together and resolve for TiWon or blood. There ain't no community, however small, that hezn't gpt in it at least five patriots wlch wart places, and where there can't be any more, five is enuff. By hollerin' very loud a few men kin make consider- able noise. We hold our convenshun at the Cross-Roads to-morrow. We hev the arrangements all made. Pollock and Bigler is in Louisville, busin goods, the niggers darsent come near when they are away, and there won't be no trouble. We shel hev the Corners to ourselves, and we shel pass sich resolutions ez will make Noo England quail. The prospect is cheerin, and I am happy. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Ex-Reformer. p. s. Ez soon ez war is declared, three hundred uv the solid Dimocrisy uv the Comers will rush to the front, ef the Dimocratic nashnel committy will send money enuff to pay their fares to the scene uv conflict, and git em each a pare uv pants and slices, so that they may rush in some com- fort. This aid will be strikly necessary. Contribushens for this purpose may be sent to me now. . P. V. N. 202 The JMasbt Iietters. ME. NASBY WANTS TO MODIFY THE OOMMISSIOK Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky), January 20, 1877. I most hartily endorse the plan for leavin out the Presidenshel question to a jint commishn to be made up from the Senit and the House, and the Supreme court, the members uv the latter to be determined by lot. This thing uv Injectin the element uv chance into a, game wher yoor opponent hez ded-wood on yoo, is pleasant and verykind. By doin this we are play- in on even terms, the Republikins furnishin all the stakes. A gambler wich woodn't take such chances is not worthy uv the name. By this plan the' Presidency is made a matter uv chance. All I ask now is a slite change in the method. Under the jint committee's plan, ef we are lucky emitt to git the odd member uv the Soopreme court, Tilden and reform goes in, and I git my postoffis. I am trustin my fortunes to the blind goddiss. Ef it is to be made a matter uv chance wat is the yoose of worryin so many men? Two kin decide it ez well ez a dozen, and instid uv hevln so many I beg to make the follerin sejestions: " 1. That the Dimocrisy elect a strictly representative Dimocrat, and the Republikins a strikly representative Republikin, with two umpires and one bottle holder, wich shel be me. 2. That them two set down, and play seven-up, yooker, or the more muskeler game uv freeze out, to determine whether Tilden and reform, or Hayes and oppression, shel be President for the next four yeers. 3. The two representative men may determine for theirselves the game and its condishens. Ef freeze-out, they may make the amount ez large or ez small as they choose; ef any other game, they may make it the best two in three, the best three in five, or the best four in seven, or the first fifty-one in a, hundred, or any way they may choose, so that they get thro by the 4th uv March. I shoodn't want the struggle to run longer than that, for the biznis interests uv the Corners is sufterin. My bill at Bascom's is runnin up enormously, and ez I owe all the citizens, trade is blocked till I git the postoffls, so ez to pay suthin, and put money into cir- kelashen. I m.ust hev that postoffls soon or perish, or else bankrupt Bascom. 4. The winner to name the President, and the people to acquiesce without a murmur. I wood sejest ez the representative Republikin for this purpose, Mr. Frelinhuysen, uv Noo Jersey. For the representative Dimocrat ther ain't no need for my namin him at all. The entire Dimocrisy, in one voice wood exclaim, "John Morrissey." Ef it wuz seven-up, for shoor, I shood urge Issaker Gavitt, whose skill in turning Jack from the bottom at the crltikle pint when both sides hez six, and he hez the deel, is well known at the Cor- ners; but ez the other party shood h3v some voice in decidin wat game is to be played, it is safer to hev Morrissey. He hez bin at the hed uv the Dimocrisy uv Koo York so long that all games is alike to him, and with him the Dimocrisy may rest in perfect sekoority. This way uv settlln the matter I3 more simple and ekally constoosh- nel with the other, and it wood make things excitln for a while. Spose Jt wuz agreed to hev it seven-up and tlje best tWP in three. Tblnl? uv thesa reports from the Assoshiated Press: The Na8by Letters. 203 "The Presldenshal Games!— Frellnhuy sen T wo !— Morrlssey One!— Thanksglvln in the Churches!— The Freedmen Jubilant !— Later— Morrlssey Turns Jack, and Makes High, Low and Game!— End uv the First Game— Morrlssey Shows Out on High and Low!— Frellnhuysen Accuses Him uv Cheatln!— A Day of Fastln Ordered, and the Gin Mills Illuminate!" Then the second game: "The first game conceded to Morrlssey !— Gold rises to 112!— The manu- faotrers disheartened! — The South jubilant! — Frellnhuysen deals! — Morrls- sey begs!— Frellnhuysen gives him one, and Morrlssey claims a misdeal, wich the umpire allows! — Mon-issey makes four! — The niggers discurrldged and the South jubilant! Second hand — Frellnhuysen makes high and low, and Morrlssey jack and ga.me! — Morrlssey one pint to go and his deal!— The Presidenshl question settled! — Morrlssey turns Jack, winnin the rub, and electln Tilden and reform! — Oongratulatory dispatch from the Presi- dent-elect! — Chagrin uv the Republiklns! — Morrlssey serenadid! — 'I simply did my dooty!' — Morrlssey to be secretary uv the Treasury!" Ef this plan is not adoptid, I shel hev a less opinyun uv Congrls than ever. It Is qujck and simple. I bleeve in simplicity like a Roman. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Ex Reformer. ME. NASBT'S IDEA OP THE STATUS. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), February 3, 1877. 1 wuz wunst In favor uv the jlnt commishun, and wuz eager to hev It. When it wuz ez good ez shoor that a majority uv the judges wood be Dim- •cratiCi glvln us a majority uv one in the lot, I bleevd it to be constoosh- nel. When it lookt ez tho we cood get Tilden and reform in that way, and make me shoor uv my postoffis, I preferred it to blood. I am not, ez a general thing, a thirster for gore. I hed much rather hev Tilden buy his way Into the Presidency than to hev to flte for it. When I think uv his barls uv money, and remember ills skill In distribbitin uv it, I say with the poet: „ . , ^ "Their Is a weeiiln firmer set, And surer than the bayonet." Tilden and reform hez a better Fhow with dollars than they ever did with bayonets, tho I really bleeve that a Dimecrat who hez bin hungeriu (or an offls sixteen yeers, wood flte for it rather than not git it. Shood W9 ever come^ to the arbitrashen uv arms, I shel, ef I hev command uv the Tilden and reform forces, mas nass them fill in front of the cipitol, and hang onto the other side, so that they kin all see It, a banner with this inscripshen: "Commishns for post offlses made out here!" Ther wood be sich a rush ez all the troops that cood be constr>osh- nelly concentrated in Washinton coodent withstand. Artillery coodent keep the patriots back. But this is a digreshn. Wat I wantid to say wuz. Providence takes better keer uv the Republlkin party than It does uv itself. For jist ez we hed It all fixed to hev the commishn appintid, and hed ded-wood on hevin Davis for the fifth judge, givin us a majority, that self-seekin man hed to go and be electld to the Senit from Illlnoy, makin It necessary to hev Bradley In his place, wich Is plzen. And when Tilden and reform begged Davis to decline the Senit and git into the commishn, that selfish man re- markt he'd see him further fust, and leaves one hundred thousand Dlmo- crats wich wants applntments on the anxshus seet. 204 The Nasbt Lette&s. With Bradley on the commlshn, the Corners Is cleerly uv the oplnyun that it is unconstooshnel. Sich u, thing -wuz never contemplatid by the fathers, it wuz never done afore, and ther ain't no precedent for it. The idee uv hevin a compermise in wich the Bimocrlsy didn't git more than twice wat they claimed, is suthin new in Amerikin history. I don't com- prehend it. Ef this commishn wuz to give Hayes a chance, wat did he want It for? He hed 185 votes, and wat is the yoose uv goin thro all this formality, onless the objick is to hist him? When I play I want the keerds properly put up— ef I want to make a livin by work, ther ain't no yoose in playin it at all. It wrencht my moral bac'i to acksede to a violashen uv the constooshn when we wuz to make suthin by it— but to violate that sacred instrooment, and then lose the postoffises by It, is too terrible. The Dimocrisy mite ez well prepare for war to-wunst, and be done with it. I see nuthin else. It is impossible that I shood live four yeers longer and see all the offlses filled with Ablishnists, and we out uv place, and hev em flaunt their commishns in our faces and taunt us with holdin uv era by virchoo uv a commishen wich we urged. I am ekal to a great deel uv greef — I hev philosophy enufC for almost anything. I hev dropt a bottle aforj I hed moistened my lips at its strength-givln mouth, and hev seen Its golden contents flow sadly away on the sidewalk, lost forever. I hev bustid a. jug Saturdy nite, after all the groseries wuz shut up, and I hev failed to borrow a. dollar wher I thot I hed a ded-shoor thing onto it. All these woes I hev survived, but this one I cannot. The agony is too long drawn out. I will not stay in the Corners four yeers and see a radikel nigger dlstribbit the paper that comes here, and stand and read lottry circlers to our citizens. And then when I think that that man lets the money wich our confldin citizens send to lottries, go direct to their destination, swellin the coffers uv a pack uv swindlers in Noo York, instid uv takiu uv it out, and spendin it at Bascom's, I am drivin almost to madnis. Is it to be expectid that I am to support a commishn wich is shoor to continyoo sich outrages ez these? I will fite fust, and the Corners sus- tains me. On receet uv money enufC to buy suflfishent cloth to half sole the trow- sis uv our citizens, so that our noble-haarted wimmen won't have to stand in front uv em all the time when they drill, I will organize a comi^any to wunst. New trowsis wood encurridge the Corners jist now, mitily. Ez commander uv the forsis I ought to hev a noo pare uv boots. I feel more like fltin for the constitooshen now than I hev sence I en- listed in the Looisiana Pelikens in 1861. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Ex Reformer. THE COEJSIERS MEET AND EESOLVE. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky)', February 17, 1877. The die is cast. The deed is dun. After the sooperhooman efforts uV Tilden and Morrissey to give the people a reform government, a unconstoo- shnel and partizan triboonel hez countid the yoosurper Hayes into the Pres- idenshel chair, and the postoffises is to be continyood In tbe poshesion uv the Radikels. We can't help it— Tilden can't help It— Morrissey can't help It, nor can I help it. Tilden did his best for purity and reform— no man Tub Uasby iJKTTEfts. ^Oa Uvln ever made more sacrlflces In the Intrest uv a pure government than he did. He paid over $8,000 to buy up one elector In Oregon, and he spent Over three millions In buyln up voters In the other states. Bf, after that the idee uv reform In the government failed, his skirts Is cleer. , The coun- try kin go to the dogs, but hels guiltless. He wood hev spent more money hed ther bin any place to spend It to advantage. The news uv the ackshun uv the coramishn plunged the Corners into oespare, immejitly. Bascom sed he mite ez well make an assignment to- wunst and quit, for onless he cood git sum reddy money out uv the holders uv fedrel poslshens, ther wuz no yoose keepln his bar open. Continyooal chargln wuz altogether too heroic for him. And the Indignashen uv them ez expectld federal applntments wuz terrible. They didn't say much, but there wuz that compressin uv the lip, that ominous silence ez they took ther drinks, that meant more than mere words. We met to consider the sltyooashen, the nlte the nooze reached us, and Btirrin speeches wuz made by me, and the others. Th follerin resolooshens wuz offered; "Wareas, The only objick uv the jlnt commlshn wuz to declare Tilden electid, and Wareas, Ef that wuzn't the objlok wat wuz the yoose uv hevin the jlnt- commlshn at all, ez Ferry cood 3 ist ez easy declare the eleckshen uv Hayes ez the jlnt commlshn, and Wareas, The jlnt coramishn ain't jest exactly wat the Blmoorisy ex- pectld It wood be. therefore be it , Resolved, That the ackshen uv Judge Davis in acceptin a seet In the Senit from lUinoy, wich preventid him from goin onto the jlnt commlshn, deserves the reprobashen uv every troo Democrat, pervided Judge Davis wood hev votid first, last, and all the time, in an unpartisan way, with the Dimocratic members ef he hed gone onto the commlshn. Ef he woodn't hev done this. It don't make any difference, and this resolooshen goes for nothin. Resolved, That the ackshen uv the Dimocratic members uv the com- mlshn in stickln like wax to the Dimekratlc vew uv the case. In an un- partisan way, and never under any circumstances votin with the radlkel members, meets the approval uv the Dimocrisy uv the Corners, ez bein In the highest degree patriotic and proper. The Dimekratlc members by adherin to their party ez closely ez they did, deserve the hearty approval iiv every Dimekrat In the land. The Corners says, "Well dun, good and faithful servants," and ef we kin raise money nuff for another struggle for reform, we shel say to them, "Go up higher." Resolved, That the ackshen uv tha Republikln members uv the com- mlshn. In votIn every time in akkordance wlththe wishes uv ther party, deserves the severest reprehension uv the people. Their blind partisanship —their Inability to raise thelrselves above the level uv Republikinisim — ther stubborn refoosals to vote with the Dimocrisy, and let Tilden and reform slide through, shakes our confidence in human nacher, and makes us tremble for the republic. The Corners with one voice pints the finger uv scorn at them, and withers em by declarln It hez no longer any confi- dence In em. Resolved, That ez the commlshn wuzn't put up ez the Corners wan- tid It, and ez Its decision ht u't bin wat the Corners wants, the Corners demands that It to wunst dissolve, holdin that with Bradley onto it, it wuz conseeved in sin and brot forth in Iniquity, and that it is unconstitoosh- nel anyway, and subversive uv the dearest rites uv the Amerikin people. Resolved, That ez the decision wuzn't wat we expected, we don't con- sider ourselves bound by It; and we demand uv our repreesntatlves In Congress that they Ignore It. altogether, and perceed to wunst to declare Tilden and reform electid, and inogerate him at all hazards. Resolved, That the Corners pledges itself to send to the tentld feeld. In the support uv Congrls, every-able-bodied Dimekrat who will go, per- 206 Thb Kasby Ijettebs. vlded the Dlmek'ratlc nashnel commltty wlU send free passes to Washing- ton, and sich clothln ez will enable em to make a proper and decent ap- pearance in society. Pantaloons and shoes shood come first. And by this resolooshen the Corners pledges itself unreservedly to gore. Resolved, That hevin exhausted all efforts for a peeceable eleckshun uv Tilden and reform, we hist our flag, with the words onto it, "Tilden and Reform or Blood." Resolved, That it is the solium convickshen uv the Comers that any government not in the hands uv the Dimocrisy is unconstitooshnel, and wa refoose to pay any taxes to support any sich. These rescOposhens wuz goin to be past to wunst, ez all resolooshf-is wich I offer are, but I red em over twict. "Friends," I sed, "this is the soUumlst time we ever had. These resolooshens mean blood — ^pos- sibly they may take yoo away from yoor homes, and se yoo all In the front uv the battle. Are yoo prepared tor this? Pause afore yoo vote." "Soljers in this holy war grit shoes and trousis, and three square meels a day, don't they?" was the response from all parts uv the house. "Undoubtedly," wuz my answer. "Then our voices is for war in the coz uv the eonstltooshen," wuz the yoonanimus response. "Enroll us to-wunst, and send on the supplies." Ther ain't a more patriotic people in the country than the Corners. When the Corners rises tyrants may well tremble. The resolooshens wuz past, and the Corners hez spokeji. We await the ackshen uv our rep- resentatives. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Ex Reformer. THE ELECTION OF HAYES. Confedrit X Roads, CWlch is in the State uv Kentucky), March 3, 1S77. Hayes is electid, ther ain't no doubt uv that. We hev heerd uv It, and are shoor uv it. Bascom hez given me notice that there ain't no more likker for me, onless I pay for it, wl?h is holler mockery, and he hez com- menst to foreclose on half the farms in the viclnitj-. Pollock, Blgler and the niggers are joobilant, and Bascom hez commenst makin advances to em. Precisely in proporshen ez he cools to me, he warms to them. Men worship the risin, never the settin sun. It is well — ^I yoost to do the same thing myself. I shen't hev any more drinks at his bar, but he can't rob me uv the drinks I hev hed, and that is some comfort. We held a. meetin uv hoomiliashen and angish at the meetin house last nite. I am now a man given to cussin, for I never knowd that cussin even a mule ever made it go, onless the cussin wuz reinforced with a club. Swearin and club, in ekal proporshens, hez hed effect on a mule, but I hev alluz hed more faith in the club than in the cussin. The cussin may possibly inspire the club, and thus be indirectly beneflshl. Nevertheless I did recite this: A PSALM OF WOE. In the dust uv hoomiliashen are we. Ashes we throw upon our heds by the scuttle-full. Hair-cloth we wear next to our skins, flggeratively. Hair-cloth we wood wear next to our skins, actooally, ef we cood git any one to trust us for a supply. The Nasby Letters. 207, Wood that goln about neerly naked wuz a proper mode uv expressln greef, for then we oood go into the deepest kind uv mournln without changin our costoom. There be three things wich are too wonderful for me, yea, four wich I'm blest ef I know: Wat the bimocrisy wantld uv a high jlnt commishn at all. ■Why It didn't hev a Dimecratio higji Jint, ef it hed to hev one. Why it didn't bust the concern afore it wuz everlastinly too late when It found It wuzn't Dimekratlc high jlnt. Why we wuz cust with men in the leedership wich hedn't cunnin enufE to win by strategy, or courage enuff to take by force. The Conies are but a feeble folk. We are Conies ef ther ever wuz sich. Cussid be Morton, cussid be Blane, cussid be Sherman, cussid be Ed- munds, cussid be Davis, and espeshly cussid be Bradley. For he wuz the eighth man, aJid coodent rise above partizaiiphip fur enufE to vote with Field and Clifford. We electld Davis, wich give them a majority in the high jint, and It's a toss-up wether he don't support Hayes, after all. We hed the game in our own hands, fur we hed stolen four aces. But they rung in a cold deck onto us, and held a strate flush when It come to a show-down, and they raked in the pot. Uv wat avale wuz the buy in up uv the St. Loois convenshun; wat good wuz the bull-dozin in Looseaner? Uv wat yoose wuz the rifle-clubs uv South Kerliny, and wat good did it do to colonize Injeany? The ants are a people not strong, yet they prepare their meat in the Bummer. We prepared our meat last summer, but it spiled in tlie curin. Our smoke-house is bustid, and our hams is not. Four years of Hayes, four years of waltin and longin. There will be niggers in the postoffises, and the faithful will stand out- side and gnash their teeth. For threa things Democrisy is disquieted, and four wich nearly killed it: Tilden, Hewitt, Pelton and Field. When I think uv the idiocy of these men, wich we trustid, and into whose hands we gave ourselves, I lift up my voice, and howl with King Lemyooel's mother, "Give not your strength to old wimmen." Young ones take away strength, but it returneth — old ones destroy by their counsel, and it is irretreevable. I Ef they'd hed ez much sense ez they hed money, we'd never bin made Nebuckhednezzers uv, and bin turned out to grass in this Way. , That anshent Asyrlan might hev liked it, for ther wuz no BasCom's In Babylon for him to refresh hisself in, but we don't. Wat's the yoose uv holdin the keerds ef yoo don't dare to bet em? There are three things wich are never satisfled, yea, four things say not "it is enufE": the grave, a Dimocrat wich wants a ofHs, my stummick wich is not and never wuz filled with water, and the till behind Bascom's counter. Tilden and reform is defeetid, the Dimocrat wich wants oflls will want it still, my stummiek will take water, perforce, Bascom's till will be emp- 208 The Nasbt Letters. ty, ana the grave will be filled with starved Dimocrisy, while the radtkels shel wax fat. The f roots that our souls lustid after hev departed from us. The things after wicK our mouths watered is gone from us, and we shel find em no more at all. Tilden and reform is ded and berried, and in the same grave is berried all our hopes. We stand over the carcass uv reform, and weep; me, and Morrissey, and Cronin and "Wood; and our teers drain our systems. The Dimocratic camp is damp with teers, and we hev not the where- withal to replace the molscher that goes from us. Tilden despares uv purity in governmen.t, and will go back to railroad wreckin. Morrissey sez the government may keep on bein corrupt, for all he keers, and he is goin back to his faro banks. Field says ther ain't no hope uv purifyin the government, and he will go back to defendin theeves. And the vast multitood uv Dimocrats which hungered for postoffises, coUectorships, furrin mishns, consulships, and places uv all sizes, kinds and dimenshens, remark, yoonanimusly, that there ain't no yoose in tryin to hev a pure government, and that it may go to rooin for all they keer, and this one goes back to his bar, that one to his three-keerd monte, the other to his burglary, and the rest to ther borrerin. I wood hev saved the country, but ez the country didn't want to be saved, it may be tothered. To Noo York will I go, and I will set up my tabernacle there. Ez long ez ther is whisky ther will be Dimocrisy, and ther I shel flour- ish among the faithful. I will rent me a bar-room, and will wear a plug hat, and be a states- man, and hev politikle Inflooence in the Sixth ward. I will be a captin uv fifty, and git to be a alderman. I will go to the legislacher, and will do for the state wat the nashen re- foosed. The stun wich the federal bilders rejected, will become the hed uv the state comer. Honey shel yit come out uv the carcass, for I will go where the car- cass is. Bascom remarkt that the prospeck uv my leevin the Corners mitigated, somewat, his greef at the defeet uv Tilden. "There is no evil," he sed, "that hezn't some good in it." PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Ex Reformer. ME. NASBY EBVIBWS THE SITUATION. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wioh is in the Stat-e uv Kentucky), March 12, 1877. The deed is dun, the work of destroyin the government is finished, and the Demoorisy, the degenerit Democrisy, sits down and accepts it without a murmur. Ther ain't a goin to be any struggle for our rites, ther ain't a goin to be any war, nor nothin. When Tilden wuz talkin uv resistance, I consoled myself with the idee that ef I coodent git a. postoffis I mite hev a sutlershlp. but that is all gone. All that Tilden and five millions uv dol- The Nasby Letters,' 209 lars undertook to do in the interest uv pure government, la undone; Hayes la President, reform lies low in the dust, the postofflses go out uv the reach uv Morrissey and me, and £U-e safe in the grip uv the corruptionists. I can't do justis to this subjic!— I shan't attempt to. To git so near to it, and then to lose it! Bat wat's the yoose? I am not only disappointed at the result, but I am disgustid with em ez hed the management uv afCares for us. The developments that hev bin made sence the investigashens hev comnienst, don't please me at all. Tllden-and-Reform is a cold-bloodid, mercenary wretch, wich hez rooined the Dimocratic party. He don't play fair — he is not an ingenuous man, one in wich yoo kin place confldence. It hez bin shown that he spent, all told, five million uv dollars in tryin to elect hisself and Reform to the Presidency. Damnable exposure! Feerful corrupshen! Wher hez that corrupshen fund gone to?_ Who got it? Wat wuz done with wat wuz spent at the beginnin, at the St. Loois convenshun? Bz a reform Dim- ocrat I demand to know. H pade me for my vote in that convenshun^ the beggarly sum uv four hundred dollars, and his agents ashoored me that that wuz the highest price pade. Beleevin em, in my simplicity I took that sum, trustin in their statement that that wuz the regular price for delegates. Imagine my feelins when I diskivered that he did actooally pay ez high ez five thousand dollars for single reform delegates, and four thousand dollars, each, for reform delegates in lots uv twenty, takin em esi they run. Hevin sekoored the nominashen, wat did this man do? He went on to spend five millions! Five millions! Who got that? I got four hundred more,- but I wuz so hedged in with instruckshens and the direckshuns ez to wat I wuz to do wuz so explicit that I didn't make a hundred clear out uv it. It wuz stipulated that I wuz to take twenty Kentuckians to vote In Injeany for Tilden-and-Reform, and he hed the meannis to hev a reform pugilist,- wich he pardoned out uv the Noo York penitentiary for the pur- pose, on the spot to watch me, to see that I took em there; and the ac- cootnis to hev a, Injeany reformer receeve and vote em, and afore I cood git my money in full I hed to hev a receet from the Injeany committee- man that I hed turned over the voter! How kin a man labor in the in- terest uv reform under sich circumstances? The fact is Tilden-and-Reform is a frod, and those wich is yellin to nominate him in 1880 make a mistake. I'll no more uv him. I want a man wich kin pay out more joodishus and with more discriminashun. I will never go thro a campane on the reform idee, onless I am better pade for it than I wuz in this. I am disgustid with polytix anyhow, and want to retire. The Dimoc- risy don't know nothing anyhow. I suppose ther is about an ekarper cent uv honest men and ekal per cent uv thieves in both parties, and I am wil- lin to admit that wat a cold and unfeelin world calls villains holds the management uv both parties; I know they do ours. The Republikins deny this; but ef it is troo, there is this difference — the scoundrelly Republikin managers put honest men in power, while the honest Dimocrisy put ther scoundrels to the front. The people don't keer about corrupt Republikin managers when they put sich men ez Hayes up; but think uv sich riien ez Bill Hill, Thurman and Hendrix playin second fiddle to Tilden, Morris- fesey, Hewitt and me! That is wat kills us. We come at the people wrong ■end foremost. We show our sore fingers, and make public exhibition uv our biles, and rather glory in the size and nastinis uv em. 210 The Nasbt Letters. ■Wat we hev to do now is to change all this. We want to assoohi a virchoo, ef we hev It not. We want to hunt about keerfuUy— give a great deal uv time to it— explore all the corners uv the party-^go nosin ^bout among forgotten men, and see ef we can't find men enuff with decent i-epu- tashens to put forrered ez candidates. We want em ez a sort uv flavorin, ez deodorizers a.s it were, to savor the rest uv us. Wat we want is to\ git In, and the people actilly demand suthin that don't really smell. We, the reglers, won't lose anything by it — these nice Dimocrats will come to us in a, month. Ther ain't virchew enufC in em to resist us. You can't tetch pitch without bein defiled. Then we want a succession uv disasters doorin the next four yeers, and we must do all we kin to hev em. Hard times is alluz charged up -to the party in power, and makes men pine for a change. A healthy potato rot wood be worth thousands uv votes to us, and a smashln panic wood be even better. Wat we want is a period uv yooniversle depreshn. We want the mills stopped, prodoose down to a m^re nothin, potato rot, grass- hoppers, kolera, and likker to go up to fifteen cents a drink. Ef these cood be supplementid by an earthquake, hurricanes, yaller fever, weevle in the wheat, cut worms In the Noi and cotton worms in the South, floods and drouths and yooniversle rooin and disaster, we cood elect the next President. Give us all these with a choice assortment uv other disasters, and we shel win, for the people will be very apt to say that after all a, Dimekratlc admlnistrashen coodent be wuss. We want rooin for a while to make the Dimocrisy endoorable. With these condishens we kin go In four yeers from now. I say all this , for the benefit uv others — ez for me, long before the term uv Hayes is up I shel be in a prematoor grave. Four yeers more uv a nigger in the post- offls at the Corners will finish me, and ef my philosophy shood be sufllshent for that, Bascom will cut off supplies ez soon ez he knows that I ain'c u, goin to hev a place, and then all is over. My untutored bowels never kin endoor water, any more than my morel nacher kin radikelism. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Ex-Reformer. THE COENEES INDOESES THE PEESIDENT. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wlch is in the State uv Kentucky), March 25, 1877. Important business called me to a nelghborin village, and I wuz ab- sent from the Corners two days. The biznis wuz, I may say, not altogether unconnectid with '. * PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (wich is opprest.) P. S. — ^My appintment to .the postolHs at the Corners wood go a grate way toward consiliatin the Corners. It wood consulate two, mo and Bas- corTi. It wood enable mo to pay wat I twe him, and lay t.lie foundashens for new credit, broad ami strong. P. V. N. MR. NASBY' ASSISTS AT A EECEPTION. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), .Joon 15, 1877. The reoepshun given our two noble reform standard-barers In Noo York wuz not jist wat we hed looked for. We uv the West hed agreed that Hendrix mite be receptid in Noo York, to git him into trainin for the Presidenshel candidacy in l&SO, but Tilden got wind uv it and blocked our little game. We hed to recept him ez well ez Hendrix, and ez Sam- yooel, in the recent campane for reform hed spent five millyuns uv dol- lars a buyin up votes and sich, he insisted upon bein made cheef mourner. This wuz espeshelly disagreeable to me, for I hev a. bitternis wich I am nourishin. I coodent help reiriemberin that at the reform convenshun in St, Loois the reform managers only paid me $400 for my vote, when other delegates with not more than half my Inflooence receeved twice and threa times that sum. I wuz swindled, and uv course I coodent view the swin- dler with complacency. The parade the first evening wuz a site that wuz cHeerin to a nashnei reformer. It showed me that in Noo York, at least, the fires uv Dimoc- risy wuz a blazin brltely, and that tho we hed bin cheetid out uv our Presi- dent, It wuz not to be stayed in its onward march toward reform. I saw the old familyer faces. There wuz Teddy O'Shaughnessy, who alone and Bingle-handld, killed six adult and five Infant niggers, in the demonstra- shun uv Jooly 4th, 1863, seelin In their blood his devoshun to Dlmocrisy. He holds four oflBses now in the city government. Ther wuz Patsy O'Brien who wuz pardoned out uv Sing-Sing jist in time to take part In the reform 220 , The JNasby Ijettebs. movement last fall, and Micky O'Flyn and Timmy Ryan, and in short all the old stand-bys uv the reform party, ez full uv zeel ez ever. A dellteful little re-yoonyun we had after the speeches, in a convenient s'loon, a talkin over old times and makin plans for the fucher. They con- sidered the prospex for the fucher uv the reform Dimocrisy cheerin. Pat- sy O'Brien sed that the emigrashen from Ireland wuz Increesin every day, and that under the rool uv the reform managers uv Tammany ther wood be no trouble watever in votin an Irishman ez soon ez he landid. It hed bin sejestid that they shood be allowed to- vote in Ireland by simply announsin their intenshuns uv comin over, but he didn't approve uv it. Ez soon ez they hed votid there, they wood Insist upon bein made skool direkters, or bein put upon the pay-roll uv the p'leece uv this city. He held that a man holdin offls ought at least be upon the ground. There wood be no trouble in keepin up our majority here. Whisky wuz cheep, and the process uv makin Dimocrats wuz goin on uninterruptedly. The reeepshun at the Manhattan club wuz a brillyant affair. In t swaller-taled cote and a. white neck-tie, I am rather an imposin spektacla It is grand but uncomfortable,- but I bore it like a, hero. Tllden, the reformer, is a great man. His speech wuz a modle. His de- nunciashen uv fraud, and the necessity uv preservin the purity uv the bal- lot-box wuz ez techin a, piece uv oratory ez I ever heerd. It affectid tha Tammany leeders wich stood around him to teers. One little accident occurred wich mite hev marred the harmony uv hia speech, hed anybody else bin a makin uv it. He wuz denouncin the wrong that hed bin done the people, by forcin a President electid by fraud upon em, and deplorin the yoose uv inaproper Inflooences in elec'i- Bhuns, when a package uv papers fell out uv his breast coat pockit and wuz scattered on the floor. They wuz the telegrams ofCerin $5,000 for a Ore- gon elector, and all the receipts for money pade in the Cronin and Gobble biznis. Everybody hed the presence uv mind not to pay any attenshun to em, and he went on denouncin fraud ez cooly ez tho it wuz a pockit tes- tament that he hed dropped. A excellent life-inshoorence agent wuz spiled when Saml. J. Tildeii went into pollytix. ^ Likewise I admired his witherin denunshiashen uv corrupshen general- ly, with all uv Tweed's old leftenants — his pardners — in the crowd. It wuz a spektacle seldom ekalled — never surpast. Ef Samyooel J. Tilden cood combine any uv the characteristics uv the late G. Washington, with them wich he possesses, he wood be a shinin lite indeeil. He is the most pashunt uv men. A Dimeoratic member uv Congris- elect sed he wantid to make a speech on the Presidenshel question, and wantid some informashen. He wantid to know wat wuz the ineenln uv the frazes, "President de jury," and "President de fakto." Samyooel sot down and explained it to him. I didn't ketch it all, but from wat I did heer, I understand that a President de jury wuz a man wich hed spent $5,000,000 a buyin up votes and sich, and didn't git the place; and a Presi- dent de facto wuz a man wich actilly got the posishen without spendin * 3ussld cent for it. The next day we hed a splendid time uv it. I wuz put in charge uv « eminent reformer wich showd us the city. It wuz not only interestin bijl InBtructive. We hed kerridges, and we wuz taken to the Sixth ward to see whcj THE iNASBY JjETTERS. 221 )imeGratio majorities come from, and from thence we went to vew the nfinlshed court house on wich thirteen millyuns hev bin already spent, md wich will take almost as much more to llnish it. "That bildin cost us thirteen milyuns," sed our guide proudly. "The Jrooklyn people bilt a bigger one and only got ftve hundred thousand out jv it, wich wuz a waste uv opportunities seldom ekalled in the history uv Ihe reform Dimocrisy. That postoffis" — and ez he looked dt it a portenshus Crown wrinkled his brow, castin a shadder on his nose which changed the gorgeous red to a gastly bloo— "that postoffls we wuz swindled out uv. It wuz bilt by a, corrupt Republikin adrainistrashen, and only cost two mil- >-uns and a half. Ef it hed bin in our hands, in the hands uv men wich know how to make sich things pay, it wood hev cost twenty milyuns by this time and woodent hev bin half dun yit. Ah! if Tweed hed only hed it! A grate man is Tweed — the reform Dimocrisy uv the city miss him very much." And then we druv up "town, and looked sadly at the gorgeous palaces wich Sweeney, Connolly, Harry Genet, Garvey, Ingersoll and them old j^o- raans bilt at the expense uv the city, afore they become eggsiles onto a furrin shoar; we looked at the armories wich wuz bilt in the golden age uv the Dimocrisy, and unable to endoor moor we alighted and hung our harps on the willers, in a s'loon, and wept ez we drunk cheap whisky out uy thick Iglasses. "This ain't the likwid I wood be absorbin hed the reformer Tilden bin electid," sighed the reformer wich wuz showin us around. "We hed it fixed that the custom-house wuz to be rebilt, and I wuz to hev hed the contrak, Nothin less than shampane wood hev irrigatid this wasted frame for the next ten yeers. Oh! the cussid fraud that kep us out! After all the money I spent — I hed charge uv the repeeters we sent to Connecticut and Noo Jersey — after all my sacrifices in the interests uv reform, to be thus Iswindled out uv my reward!" And the poor man broke down with emoshun. We paid our respects to the marter Tweed, to Tilden at his home, to Morrissey at his faro-bank, and other leedin Dimocrats, and then seper- ated. Each went to his home filled with fresh zeel for Dimocrisy, and with fresh determinashen to do our level best to bring about a Dimocratic triumph this fall, as a. precursor to a crownin trivimph in 1880. To see how the Dimocrisy uv Noo York live, inflames me with righteous zeel. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Ex-Reformer. ME. NASBY HOLDS HIS EEGULAE CON VEJN TION. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Aug. 26, 1S77. The Dimocrisy uv the Corners met in convenshun yisterday, to nomin- late a county tikkit, and a deliteful season it wuz. Bascom arrayed his grosery with green branches, in honor uv the occashun, and ez the wheat fgrowd in the region hed bin harvestid and sold, he hed ordered two barls uv noo likker from Looisville. The harvest wuz earlier this season than ever before. Pollock notified the citizens that ez there wuz a bountiful crop he wood give em no more credit for goods, but they laft him to skorn. ■"We kin go without shoes and stockins and sich, for it's liable to be a mild winter," they sed. But when Bascom sed "no more trust for likker!" they turned pale aijd went to ther wheat fields. ?22 The Nasbt Ijetters. "" It wuz a. pleasant convenshun. The delegates wuz full uv enthoostasm tor the party and its time-honored prinsiples, and the oftener they went to Bascom'3 the more enthoosiastic they became. To save time I flnelly adjourned em to Bascom's in order to keep a quorum together. I rose, ez is the regler thing, to report a, series uv resolooshens wioh I hed prepared wich runs ez follows: Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv the Corners, In convenshun assem- bled, now, ez ever, reiterate ther approval uv the war uv 1812, and wunst more nale the motto, "free trade and salers' rites," to the mast head, and under it demand to be led to victry. This resolooshen wuz reseeved with cheers. Eesolved, That the Dimocrisy uv the Corners reaffitra their devoshun to the prinsiples uv the immortal Jefferson and Jackson likewise, and con- gratulate the country upon the successful result uv the battle uv Noo Orleens. Itesolved, That the thanks uv this convenshun is hereby tendered to the gallant volunteers from Kentucky and Tennessee, who, on that bloody feeld beat back the British invader, and added new luster to the Amerikin name. Resolved, That we are unalterably opposed to a high protective tariS, to the nashnel bank, and in favor uv hard money, and opposed to papei uv any kind. Here wuz a little trouble. Bascom Insistid that we ought not to in- elude a denunshiashen uv paper money, for, ez ho understood it, wat the Dimocrisy wantid wuz more paper money, and no gold for the .bloatid bond-holders. Deekin Pogram rose and sed he didn't know wat the Dimocrisy wantii nor wat they didn't want, but this ha did know, that a resolooshen agin paper money hed bin in eyry Dimekratic platform he ever hed anything to do with, sence the first convenshun he attendid, in 1828, and he wood never. Bit camly by and see a platform with that plank left out. He' wanted to stand by the old lites, and wuz opposed to innovashuns and innovators. Then I went on: Resolved, That the Dimocrisy protest agin the okkepashen uv the suv- tin states uv the South by Fedrel troops, and demand their immejil w Ithdrawal. "Parson," sed the Deekin, "hezn't Hayes withdrawd the troops?" "Deskin, don't interrupt me." Resolved, That the Dimocrisy demand uv the Fedrel government re« form in the civil ser/ls, and economy in the expenditoors, and "Parson," sung out Bascom, "ain't that jist wat Hayes is adoin? "Wat do we want to endorse him for?" '■Bascom," I replied tartly — a little too tartly considerin that he holds the destiny uv our stummicks in his hands^"will yoo tell me wat good any reform kin be to us wich we don't make? "Wat ef he is cuttln down oflis-holders? "Wat ef he is rootin out sinecures? "Wat ef he is reformin? Wat good is reform to me so long 3z there is a nigger radikle in the post- offls, wher I ought to be, and a white radikle in the collector's ofHs, whnr Issaker Gavitt ought to be? Ther's a distinkshen. It does make a diffrena who institoots a. reform." The resolooshens wuz adoptid, a tikkit wuz nominated, and the con- venshun adjourned. It's a good thing to hold a Dlmocratlc convenshun ill a bar-room — the delegates don't hev to skatter after the biznls is over. The NASBt^ Letters. 22a I notist with alarm that the Interi-upshens and questionings In this oonvenshun came from Bascom and the Deelcin. I feer that they don't al- together understand Dimocrisy. Dimocrisy is the same, one and indivisible, now and forever. Evence and condlshns may change, but Dimocrisy never. Wat wuz Dimocrisy fifty yeers ago Is Dimocrisy now, and will, I hope, be fll'ty yeers hence. I never go agin presedent; when a oonvenshun once passes a, resolooshen, that becomes Dimocrisy, and all succeedin conven- shuns must reiterate it. We occash nelly hev to interdoose noo matter; ez tor instance the war brought in some noo ishoos wich we can't ignore, but wunst there, there they must stay. In addlshen to approvin the last war with Great Britain, and opposin tariffs and sich, DiraeUratic convenshuns from this time out must protest agin the okkepashen uv Southern states b'y Fedrel troops, and agin everything connectid with the war. Ef Provi- dence ever blesses me with a son, I trust my sperit will hover over him and his son, and his son's son, in Dimocratic convenshuns, Interdoosin resolooshens dammin the late war, and everything growin out uv it, ez well ez approvin uv the last war with Great Britain. , That's my idee uv Dimocrisy, and alluz will be. Dimocrisy is ez eter- nel ez the hills and jist ez immovabla. We are ez hard ez the granit rox, and it takes jist ez much drillin to git anything new into lis. We hold T.'ell, but we don't hold much. The most pitiful site in nacher is to see a young man who hez a idee into him, in an old Dimekratic oon- venshun. It's terrible to s;e the old stagers wich wuz suckled on the war uv 1812, and weaned on Jacksonism, strugglin to take In anything that hez happened sence that time, and fit it to their- selves. They can't do It. It is cheerin to me to see the Dimocrisy uv the Corners follerin prese- dent so closely ez to demand hard money, when the wants uv the Corners demand paper, ani lots uv it; and it wuz cheerin also to see them ignore the work the yooserper Hayes is doin, in the way uv reform, jist becoz he wuzn't elsctid by the Dimocrisy. Sich Dimocrats yoo kin count on with a degree uv certainty that Is deliteful. Wood, oh wood, that we hed more uv em! ' PETROLEUM V. NASBT. THE PEESIDENT'S SOUTHERN PEOGEESS. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Sept. 15, 1877. Tisterday the Corners wuz profoundly shoked. Joe Bigler wuz over to Secessionville, and when he returned he spread the nooze.that the frod- ulent President, Hayes, wuz on a Southern toor, and hed decided to make the Corners a visit. X wuz profoundly alarmed. I hed red uv ovashens he hed receeved in the South, and hed wore mournin on my hat for two dajrs in consekence. The idee uv Dimocrats bowin the knee to this Ablishn Baal and doin him honor stung me to the quick. And to think that he shood hev the impoodence to come to the Corners, and undertake to conker the just prejoodlsses uv our sterlin Dimocrisy — ^that Dimocrisy wich never yit regardld time nor place — ^but wich alluz remained troo to the cardinal pints uv Dimocrisy — that he shood come and try to corrupt them, wuz too much. Suthla hed to be did, and that quickly. Bigler sed he wood be here the next day, and I convened a meetin to wunst. 22-1 The NAtBT LetterSi It wuz a sad occashen. I statld the objick in a few words. Here^wuz a fraudulent President wich lied bin goin over the entire South— a Ablishn President— a travlin thro Kentucky and Tennessee, and hedn't ez yit been killed. Not so much ez a single brick hed bin shied at him-not so much ez a, single hiss or a, groan hed bin hurled at him. Hisses and groans and bricks! On the contrary this representative uv the Ablishn sentiment uv the North hed bin feasted, and wined and dined in the South, and by Southern men! He wuz a comin to the Corners. Not content with poUutin Looisville, he wuz to continyoo his triumphel progress to the Corners, and it wood be expectid that the Corners wood put its neck nder his yoke, and yelp hosan- ners to this yooserper. Wood the Corners do it? (Cries of "Never! never!") With a nigger In the postoffls, and a radikel in the collector's offis, wood the Comers consider itself satisfied? Never! The troops hev bin withdrawd from Loosianer, but so long ez them offises is kep from the Dimocrisy, the remembrances uv a fratrlsldle war still rankles in our buzms. (The cheers wuz so vocifrus that I riz with the occashun.) Wat does all this mean? Where is the Bimocrisy? Wat is Dimoc- risy anyhow? Hez the old sperit died out? Do them Kentuckians wich are hurrahin for Hayes realize the ta,ct that he wuz eleotid by Ablishn votes? Do they remember that his sword is rusted with Southern blood, and that to sich ez him they owe the loss uv their niggers? Are they still Dimecrats? Who is this Hayes? Does he believe in the last war with Great Britain? Does he believe in the resolooshens uv '9S? Does he bleeve in free trade? Does he bleeve that Jaxon wuz the greatest uv Amerikins, and that the volunteers from Kentucky and Tennessee wich wuz at Noo Orleens are deservin uv resolooshens uv thanks at every Dimecratio oonvenshun? Is he opposed to Internal improvements, and does he still shout for "free trade and salers' rites?" ^ Is he in favor of the extenshun uv slavery to the territories, and Is ha opposed to the heresy uv Douglas? Did he vote for secession? Does he bleeve in states' rites, and is he in favor uv hard money? Or ruther— well, on the hard money question I ain't so pertikeler, but, I sum it all up — is he a Dimekrat? And then I perposed the adopshen uv the foUerin resolooshens: Wareas, A fraudulent President which is a yooserper is makin a toor uv the South, and hez bin reseeved with demonstrashens uv approval by Suthern Dimekrats, and Wareas, The sed President is President de fakto, and not President da jure Deekin Pogram— "Parson, wat Is de fakto and de jury?" I explained to the Deekin that them terms wuz furrin in their struk- ter, but hed bin yoosed In Eastern Dimekratio noosepapers, and must therefore be good phrases, and that I wood explaiie em to him at some fucher time, and went on: —and deserves the reprobashen, instid uv the applause, uv all Dimekrats, and Wareas, We uv the Corners, hevin never heerd that this yooserper hez The Nasbt Ijetters. 225 single one uv the time-honored prlnsiples uv the Dlmecratlo party, but ! in all respects a bloody-minded Abllshnist, therefore be it Resolved, That In antlsslpashen uv his coraln the Corners be dressed In fiournin. Resolved, Ez a sense uv the hoomiliashen the Corners feels at his comln, hat the- day he is here shel be a day uv fastin and hoomiliashen, and hat to properly express our feelins, Bascom shel close on that day, and he Corners shel gnash their teeth. Resolved, That doorln the stay uv the yooserper the Dlmocrisy uv the Corners shel keep within ther doors and leeve the welcomln uv the sed irod to the niggers and radikela. The resolooshen closln Basoom's wuz modified into dressin his front and Jso the barls in black crape, at Bascom's expense, and the resolooshena wuz passed yoonanimusly. At this pint Issaker Gavltt rose and wantld to offer a, resolooshen. jssaker reraarkt that the resolooshens wuz just ez things now stood, but le wuz a merciful man. He didn't want to cut the yooserper off entirely, lut desired to give him a chance to g iln the esteem uv the Corners. He frood give him one more chance — ^Just one more, and- ef he refoosed that, vhy then it wuz all over. He wood oifer this resolooshen: Resolved, That while we brand Rootherford B. Hayes ez a President de lakto, and ez a oppressor uv the South, anfi ez a destroyer uv the liber- lies uv his country, and so feelin, refooze to welcome him to the Corners, nevertheless, ef he shel do the Corne-s the justis to remove the Infamus ■adikel wich is collector, and appint 1 his place Issaker Gavitt, and also •emove the nigger postmaster and ap jint in his place the Rev. Petroleum ?■. Nasby, it wood go a great way to ward softenin the bitternis and hoo- nillashen wich now rankles In the bu^m uv the Corners, and wood tend rery much toward restorin that har.nony and good feelin that shood exist jetween a secshun and the general gjvemment. I wuz in doubt whether we ought to concede so much, Dut Bascom ;urned his eyes appealingly to me and I consented. I owe that man too nuch to stand on trifles. The addishnl resolooshen wuz passed, and we idjoumed, feelin that watever other places in Kentucky mite do, the borners hed done its dooty. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Ex -Reformer. P. S. — Jist ez we adjourned we got the nooze that Bigler hed bin hoax- jn uv us — ^that the accursed yooserper wusn't comin to the Corners at all. rhat man needs killin. P. V. N. ME. NASBT ASSISTS IN THE OHIO ELECTION. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 15, 1877. At the rekest uv the gllelis Richard Bishop, wich people supposed lldn't know how to run a campane, I came to Toledo, Ohio, to assist in git- tin together the Dimocratlc strength, and asshoorin the triumph uv that Dlmocrisy uv wich, so fur, I hev bin a ardent supporter. And I may iay, in parenthsis, that Dlmocrisy hez no advantage over me in that re- ipeck, for ef I hev bin a support to Dlmocrisy, Dlmocrisy hez bin a support !o me. The eleckshun day passed oft, and every man did his dooty. The re- sult will gladden the hart uv the Comers^ We hev electid our guvernor, md we hev sekoored a majority uv the legislaoher, wich gives us another Senator. Halleloojy! But the result uv the eleckshun In the county was a astonisher wich 226 The Nasby Letters. I hevn't bin able to account for yit. The workln-men uv the county hed organized, for the perpus uv batterin ther condishn. Sum uv em, wich reely do work, hev hed ruther a close time, and hev bin groanin over ther troubles, but ther are sum thousands wich don't never work at all, and a lot uv lawyers and doctors, and sich like labrin men, wich' alluz do the most healthy groanin on sich okkashens. In the interest uv the Dimekratik candidates, I urged the labrin men along all I cood, for nine-tenths uv em wich does work, and wich, ez wa flggered it, wood be troo to the movement, blongs to the radikels, nater- ally, and we expectld to bring the Dimekratik lams wich hed strayed into these pasters back into the fold on the mornin uv eleckshun. The day passed and everything looked lovely. The labrin men wuz out in ther strength, and we w>iz certin that we hed drawd enuff votes from the radikels to inshoor the success uv our tikklt. And that evenin I sot down with the .candidates, and many wuz the beakers that we quaffed in jubilatin over the redempshen uv «, Republikin stronghold. I retired that nite ez happy ez a, lord, and ez comfortable ez a man cood be wich hed acheeved a. victory. I slept the sleep uv the man wich he2 discharged his dooty and is tolrable certin uv gettin his pay for it. *************** The mornin sun wuz a streemin thro the winder uv my room that blessid Wednesdy mornin. I sent down for a paper, and while I wuz puUln on the boots the Dimekratic Central Committee hed given me, I glanced at it. I wuz anxshus to feest my eyes on the triumph I hed acheeved by doopin the stoopid workin-men into runnin a tikklt uv ther own and throw- in away ther votes. Horror ! The labrin men hed swep the county, by a majority uv neerly two thousand. I am a man uv prompt ackshun in all matters uv prinsiple. I may be slack in matters pertainin to myself. I am criminelly slow in all thingi wich concern meerly myself. I hev loitered when invitashens to drinli hev bin extendid to others, and hev santjred, very frekently, so slowly ez not to git in before the change wuz mad»; but in public matters where there is a prinsiple involved, no man kin ba more prompt than I. I lookt twice to make shoor that ther wuz no mistake about the ma- jorities, and that the workin-men hed reely kerriod the county when I started to the offls uv the hed centre. There wuz no time to lose. I didn't want to come in at the eleventh hour. So prompt wuz I that I went with wun boot on, and no hat. It wuz seven o'clock a. m., and ther wuz no time to lose. I enrolled myself ez a. workin-nii;n Immejitly, and well it wuz that I wuz ez prompt ez I wuz. For within a minlt there cum to that offls a thousand Republikins and Dlmecrats, wich claimed the rite to enroll theirselves in the noble army uv labrin men. They cum from every dlreckshun. Ther wuz in that throng every man wich hed bin bustid for a nomina- shen in either the Republikin or Dlmekmtic party, for ten years, and the most promisin assortment uv heretofore unknown offls-seekers wich I ever saw. And every blessid man uv em, without excepshun, all commenst a speech, towurst, and in korus, on the rites uv the down-trodden labrin man, and all uv em howled the same speech. I saw these same men yisterday workin zelusly for the Dimecratlo oi The Nabby Letters. 227 Sepublikin tikkets, and afore the eleckshun they hed bin most Industrusly t standin on the corners uv the street, sraokin very cheap cigars when ;hey hed to buy em theirselves, and very expensive ones when they wuz jought by other people. "Are yoo goln to take these people In?" I shreeked In agony. "Can't I'oo see that ther ain't offises enuff to go around?" "Sir!" exclamed they all feercely, "invthis holy croosade agin cappylle, ind for the horny-handid toilers, we assert ther is offlses enuff. Ther wuz ibout four thousand votes, and we, who from circumstances didn't git in soon enuf to vote, will swell the number to five thousand. Very good. Let the Sheriff elect, immejitly appint two thousand five hundred deppyties, and the Treasurer elect stand up for the rites uv the labrin man, by appint- ing two thousand five hundred clerks, and then keep out uv the organlza- shen the bloatld bankers, merchants, and them ez own shops and sich, so that we kin tax them, to pay our salaries. We shel keep out enuff cap- pytle to tax to support us. Cappytle hez hed its sway, so far — now laber comes in." * And they votid to keep the books open till nine that day, and then close 'em. Ther didn't any more come, thank Hevin. The party is strong enuft to hold the city, but, merciful hevins! onless the sejestion I hev quotid is actid onto, what are they all agoin to do? They kin elect a. Council, next spring, and that Council kin vote to pay the labrers $2.50 a day, but they won't take that. Ez they all expect offls, wat good will it be to offer 'em work at any price? I sympathize with the labrin man, jist afore every eleckshun, but I think I shell git out uv the organizashen and go back to Kentucky wher ther aint any labor done that hurts. Ther is too eager an appreshiashen uv offis to make it comfortable for a. man like me, and the ranks uv the labrin men are likely to be swelled too fast for my purpus. Wat chance is ther for one man among five thousand, and all uv em ez I am? The temprense movement is hevin a run up ther, but I indignantly re- foozed to jine it. I wuz askt to deliver a temprense lecter, but i declined. "I'm not a reformed drunkard," sed I. "That's easily fixed," remarked the rekester. "All yoo hev to do is to CLuit." I heerd one man make al speeoh on the street corner. "Rum, like the grasshopper," sed he, "is a. burden. I went home last night, and went to the pantry for suthin to eat, and it wuz bare. I looked at my wife and children, and ther they sot, cold and hungry. Ther wuz no food, no fooel, in the house— wat shood hev pervided for em hed gone for rum. Ez I looked into ther pale, pinched faces, and ther emashated forms, awakened conshense strove with me, and I then and there took a solemn oath never to drink again — onless I wuz asked." The eleckshun in Ohio is a triumph but it don't do me any good. Ther ain't no way uv reeching my postoffis for three yeers, and I can't wait. I ehel be in the silent tomb before that, and the worms will be at me. Still, I did my dooty. PETROLEUM V. NASBY. Workln-man. 228 The Nabbt Letters. '< ME. NASBY ON THE SOUTHEEN DEMOCEACT. Confedrit X Roads, (.Wlch is In the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 27, 1877. Despite the Dimocratic triumph In Ohio, and the prospective success ii Pennsilvany, my hart is sad. The Dimocrisy uv the South is crushed, and there ain't no life into em For the fust time sence the beginnin uv the unconstooshnel war, the cor| hers hain't got a greevance with wich it kin inflame the public mind, oi fire the public hart. The infamus eight to seven President, Hayes, hez taken away all oui capitle, and did it in slch a crooel manner that I hevn't words to expresi my detestEishen uv the man, or my hatred uv his ax. For fifteen yeers or thereabout — I can't git fax down to a fine pint u my present demoralized condishn — ^we hed a soft thing on the Radikels. : hed it in my power at any time to Inflame the Corners to a. pitch uv frenzy which enabled me to do anything under heaven with em. All I hed to d( wuz to leen on the bar at Bascom's, and sigh, and demand uv the peopli "wat wuz the yoose uv startin a woolen factry, or developin a plantas.(ien or bildin a cotton mill, or anything uv the sort, so long ez the South wu; overrun with bloo-coted minyuns, and all our energies paralyzed?" Then Issaker Gavitt, after tryin in vane to borrer a quarter uv Deekii Pogram wood jine in. "Wat is the yoose," he wood say, "uv capitalist! investin ther meaiis in developin the country, when they were groauii under military despotism? For one, I'll never put my means into nothin till we are releeved." Then the entire bilin uv them ez wuz leanin on the counter, waitin foi some strangei' to come in and treet em, wood swear that so long ez thes wuz a groanin under the oppression uv military rool, that they'd be d— d e they advance anything for any enterprises uv any kind. It wiiz liable tC| be rooled by the iron heel uv military power. | And after this ebullishn, they'd look wearily around to see wich oood hold out the longest, and flneliy jine agin Bascom, and so worry him thaj he'd give em eech credit for a bowel-warmer, rather than be annoyed with em, after which they'd go home and brood over the oppression they wu: suffrin under, while ther wives wuz splittin wood with wich to fry thi bacon they hed borrered. Now this Is all over. We never did hev any military at the Corners, but ther wuz about 800 scattered thro the South. Them is all withdrawdl and our capitle is gone. We can't enthuse any more. That withdrawal ol^ the military sealed up the fountain uv teers wich we hed bin in the habil uv sheddin over the oppreshn we hed bin sufCerin under, and choketl ofl our lamentashens. Ef I say "military okkepashen," immejitly some Radi kel remarks that the troops is al' withdrawd. and ther ain't a bloo-kote ir the South. ,1 Then my sole sinks. Wat good wood a reformer be in a world wich hez no sin in it? Wal good is ther in bein a agitator, when ther ain't nothin' to beller agin. Ei the yooserper hed left a hundred soljers in the South— ef he hed left ten- ef he hed put up a bloo-kote in a korn-feeld, it wood hev bin enuff ; but t« send the entire eight hundred off to flte Injins, wuz crooelty to me and sii ez roe, for wich I shel never forgive him. The Nasbt Lettbks. 229 The Idee uv Dlmecratlc Convenshuns bein obleeged to endorse the acta uv a Republlkln President! The idee of hevin nothin' to howl about!. I hev hed nothin but trouble and disapplntment sence this policy wuz adopted. When I wuz In Noo York last week I tried to raise a fund to or- ganize the Dimoorisy for the next campane in the South. Not a dollar cood I irft, for the merchants all remarkt that they wuz too bizzy shippin goods to tha South to attend to nashnel pollytix. They refoozed to con- tribbit a cent, for they sed things wuz doin quite well, thank you, and they thought they cood git along without my help. In Kentucky, outside of the Corners, the people hev quit pollitlx, purty much, and hev settled down to workin the plantashens, and the planters are conciliatin the niggers and payln uv em wages. The niggers ain't a votin together, and the whites aint nuther. The mizable low-sperited beins are goln on quietly attendin to her blznis, and ther ain't no call for men like me. They remark to me that ez they ain't got any rites that are in jeperdy, they ain't a sufErin for a defender to any alarmin extent, and they step up and take ther drinks, by theirselves, and don't ask me, and so I suffer from drouth. "When the pot biles, the sediment comes to the top. The yooserper hez poured He onto the pot, and It don't bile. The sediment stays quiotly In soak In the bottom, and I am sediment, and wo Is me. I am at the bottom, while fat Is at the top. Death can't coma to my releef any too quick. PETROLEUM V. NASBT. ME. NASBT'S MATEIMONIAL VENTUEE. Confedrlt X Roads, fWich is in the State uv Kentucky), Nov. 18, 1877. The pollsy uv the yooserper hez bin my rooin. Probably ther ain't a more mizable man in the entire State, and that is sayin a great deel, for I don't know uv any State that hez more mizable men, or one in wich the mizable men are quite ez mizable. That mizable wretch Joe Bigler come to me day before yisterdy, and sejested that ez the President — sich is his term for the yooserper— had put out an olive branch uv amity and concord between the two races, it wood be a graceful thing ef a Kentuckian — a white Kentuckian— should accept it and demonstrate his sincerity by marryin one of the inferior race, wich is now our ekals afore the law. "Sir!" sed I, assoomln a stern and injoored look, "do yoo dare to sejest sich a thing to me? To me, a Kentuckian, that is, a Kentuckian by brevet? Dare you make me a proposlshen at wich every drop uv Anglo-Saxon blood In my vanes boils with horror? Avant!" He didn't avant, however, but went on to say that in the outskirts uv the village there wuz a culerd woman wich hed a cabin, and a very com- ; fortable one, and, he bleeved, some money. At all evence, she was a excel- lent washer and Ironer, and cood support a husband In fairly good stile, by her labor. ^ "And yoo know, Nasby, It's more than three yeers before yoo kin Inog- I gerate a Dlmecratlc President, ef yoo elect him; and ef yoo do, you hev % to take the chances uv glttin yoor place agin a score of hungry Dimecrats, - who Want U ez badly ez yoo do Think uv three yeers uv comparative com- fort!" I'iS The ITasbt Letters. Bascom struck In towunst, for he saw his chance uv makin me a cash customer, knowin that he'd git nine-tenths uv wat the woman wood tarn, and Deekin Pogram who hez bin wantin suthin on wat -I hev bin borrerin uv him all these weary years, urged it strongly. "In the good old times," he sighed, "we hed no scruples about Tiiggers, except in the matter uv goia thro the formality uv marryin uv em." And when I thought uv a comfortable home with a, muscular female furnishin the supplies, a great deel uv the disgust that I felt at marryin a, nigger evaporated, and I determined to do It. Fata! conclusion: — * #*:}•*#*•♦ ******* • I proposed the next mornin at 9; she accepted, and before ten we wuz ez firmly married ez a Justis uv the Peece cood do it. I wuz wunst more the hed uv a family. The Justis and the witnesses left the house, and we wuz alone with our luv. Melindy sot there with her hands folded, and a broad grin dlstendin her capashus mouth, and I sot there regafdin her with feellns uv gratitood for a yaoserper wliose polisy hed led to a result so pleasant for me to con- template. That woman could earn a dollar a day — cood feed her and my- self on ten cents — I eat very little and bacon is cheap here, ef it is poor— and the other ninetry! I saw before me unllmitid drinks — sa,w before me a long life in Bascom's bar with occasional trips to Looisville. And that hu- man masheen'a scrubbin away furnishin the meens! It wuz a gorgeous dreem — wood that I hed never bin awakened from it. That wuz a good time to die, while 1 felt well, and I wish I hed. "Melindy, darlln," I spoke gently, "in the new relashuns we hev as- soomed we must not forgit that life hez its dooties. Very plaasant is love's young dream, and well would it be for us ef we cood linger in it, and pass our entire lives under its bewitchin spell. But, Melindy, we can't. Love is representid ez with a pertikerlerl.v plump stumick, wich shows that it hez bin filled. We can't exist on love — we need bacon, and sich. Therefore,. Melindy, awake from your dream, and git to that wash-tub. Them clothes must be out and on. the line by noon. And Melindy, give me, yoor le,;al lord and master, wat loose change yoo hev In yoor possession, for I hev biznis up town." Wat did this woman do? She remarked: — "Duz ye s'pose I'ze a gwine to s'port yoO, by washin?" "Certainly I do, my deer — wat other perfeshn hev ye,?" "Te duz, duz ye?" "tlv course, and yoo don't want to lose no time. Wat does Solomon say uv the model woman? "She gittlth up while it is yit nite, and she weaveth fine goods, wlch she selleth to the merchants and her husband slt- teth in the gates with the elders," or words to that effect. We can't be exactly scriptooral, for yoo don't weeve, but yoo wash wioh is the same thing, and yoor husband is a goln to do ez the Israelite husband did, he is a goin to sit in the gates at Bascom's. To your tub, Melindy." That wretched woman rose deliberately and regarded me intently for a moment. Then she walked to where that tub wuz standin, and tipped it over, on the floor. ' Woman, wat does this meen?" I exclaimed. "Meen? It meens dat I didn't marry to 'sport a husband— I married to 08 wjrted. It neens dat yoo hev got to git de 'splies— I'll cook em, and F The Hasby Letters. 231 help yoo eat em, but no mo' washin for dis chile. Too git out to yoor work." And she picked up that tub, and her washboard, and wat soap ther wuz left and went to Pollock's and tradid em oft for some artiflshel flowers tor her bridle bonnit, ez she sed; and come and sot down In that bonnit, and refoosed to do a thing till I went out and got suthin for her to cook. It wuz a bitter nite I past. Mellndy hed some pervishens hidden away, wich I cood not git at, and by nite I wuz feerfully week, while she wuz ez strong ez ever. I attempted coershion. wich endid in my bein dragged over the floor for an hour or two, and finely being kicked out uv the door in a cold rain. Jn vane I begged for admithun. That onfeelin woman went quietly to her couch, and I stayed out all nite in the wet, listenin to her comfortable snores. But my cup wuzn't full. Joe Bigler and Pollock went afore a justis uv the peece and complained uv me for not supportin my family, and I wuz given the choice uv goin to work, or goin to jale, end Mallndy she appeered with a charge uv assalt and battery, and gineral inhuman treetment, and the justis —they took me afore the nigger justis at Llbertyville— fined me $10 and commlttid me till it wuz paid. I write these lines In a lock-up; thank heaven, while I stay they hev got to feed me. More than ever do I hate the yooserper. More than ever do I curse the fell sperlt uv abllshism, wich hez brot this rooin upon me. In the good old days I cood hev compelled that woman to hev supported me without goin thro the forms uv marridge, and without takin any obligashen upon my- self. And Bigler and Pollock, who put up the job on me, are lafHn and jeerln, and I ain't shoor'but that Baacom and the Deekin wuz in it, also. While I am langlshin In a jale I ain't runnln up my account at Bascom's bar, and to all my frantic appeels for releef, even for a pint, he crooelly turns a deef ear. I'll make It warm for em ef I ever git out uv this. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Deceived, but not Crushed. THE PEESIDBNT'S SOUTHEEX POLICY. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Dec. 10, 18T7. I suppose the sun will contlnyoo to shine, and the rains fall, ez before. I presume autumn will foller summer, winter autumn, and spring winter, Jest the same ez tho Tilden hed bin electld, and the yooserper Hayes wuz still a lawyer in Fremont, wich is In the once ablishn, but now redeemed, Btate uv Ohio. I hev observed that nacher don't take much notis uv evence wich is uv vital importance to nacher's cheef and noblest produx — ; men. It Is uv importance to me 'whether I hev the Postoffls at the Corners or not, and when the tyrant Grant removed me, the face uv everything wuz dark. I wuz disapplntid when the sun riz the next day with more than I yoosual brltenls, and the birds sung and the grasshoppers chirped merrily, tor It didn't seem to me that it wuz in akkordance with the eternal litnis , uv things. I wuz more disgustid, yisterday, than I wuz then. I wuz stawkin down '' the strfeet towards Bascom's, in the faint hope uv meetin a Noo York ■ drummer there, and passin myself orf onto him ez a, store-keeper in an ad- k jolnln village, to the extent uv a refresher or two, wich is my sole (i3pen- \ denoe now, when I met Issaker Gavitt and Deekin Pogram. I stopped them ij In the hope that one uv them mite hev a bottle conceded about his person, 232 The Nasby Letters. and that they wood be too thirsty to put off takin Euthin, when th» Deekin chirped up. "Parson," sed he cheerfully, "I feel good. Everything hez. worked to our entire satisfackshen. President Hayes—" "President Hayes?" I queried. "You meen the yooserper Hayes." "Hev It yoor own way. The yooserper, ef that term pleases yoo, hez withdrawd the troops, and releevd us here In Kentucky from the grindin oppreshn uv a company uv hloo-kotid monsters In Noo Orleens, wleh per- mits us to go on with out enterprises here in a free ajid unfettered man- ner. Thea the Depltty Marshel wioh hez been applntid here is a Dime- crat — ez good a Dlmocrat ez yoo or I, and there seems to be a era vi\ good feelin inoggeratid, wich — " "Idiot!" I sed sternly, "pause. Toe are praisln the yooserper. Every Dimocrat in the Toonltld States hez coz to curse him with forty boss power. He hez taken away every greevance wich we ever hed. Hed Tildin and Reform bin electld, he wood hev removed the troops. The Radikels wood hev opposed It, and then wood hev come a flte. We cood hev hed suthin to fite over. Ther wood hev bin a, cawsus belli, and every Dlmocratic orator and writer in the country wood hev hed suthin to defend. We wood hev suthin to go on. Ther wood . hev bin burnins, and hanglns, and riots and sich, the same ez before. We cood oontinyoo to inflame the Southern hart, by appeelin to 'em to stand up agin ther wood-be oppressors, and the I>im- ocrisy uv the North cood hev thrown tlieirselves into the breech ez tbt defenders uv constooshnal liberty, and agin military joppreshn, and — " "But Hajes hez stopped all this " chirped the> poor Dekin. "Certinly he hez and he hez rooi ed the Dimocrisy. Deekin, wat is a Dlmocrat without a, greevance? Yc o speek uv his appintin a Dimocrat ez deplty marshel ez a consllitory meas re. Deekin, yoo are an ijeot uv the first water. Ez long ez a radikel wuz huntin our friends in the hills wioh wuz doin illicit distillin, they felt they wuz opprest by a radikel adminis- trashen, and they wuz willin to do any variety uv Dimocrisy, from shobtin a nigger or a fedrel offlser, down to votin twice at a eleckshun. Tou cood alluz count on em. But now, Bill Simpson, a Confedrit soljer and a Dimocrat uv undoubtid pedigree, is applntid marshel, and wat happens? He will raid the stills Jist the same ez his Republlkln predecessor did, and we, the Dimocrisy, will hev to bear the ojum uv It. Wat kin we say to the stiller, wich comes to our convenshun, bilin over with indignashen ati hevin his mash seezed, when he hez to sit ez a delegate beside the Dimo- crat wich seezed it? It Is crooel. That greevance, wich wuz a helthy wun, is gone. "Deekin, the yooserper Is a gorlller, and I want none uv him. Instid ot Bpprovin him yoo want to cuss him. He hez disembowled us, and we are bereft. Kin we scratch ef we hevn't got no Itch? Scratchln is a neces- sity to us, and shel we applaud the man wich removes the coz for scratch- in? He hez taken the bred out uv my mouth. Deekin, go to." "But, parson, wat intrest hez Issaker and I, wich don't want no offis, nor coodBnt git one ef we did, in these — " "Deekin," wuz my quick reply, seein wat he wuz drivln at, "it may be of no interest to you, but It Is to me. The Dlmocratic party wuz made for sich ez me." There is goin to be trouble in the Corners. The apathy that pervades the public mind is suthin feerful. Instid uv talkin uv oppreshun and other deliteful politikle themes, yoo heer the stoopld asses discussin the ways The Nasby Letters. 233 and means to git in a big corn crop next spring, and I hev cauglit some uv em, aotiUy feedlu their cattle this winter. It is riigtressin. PBTKULEUM V. NASBT, Reformer. P. S.— The Corners Is yoonanimus for silver, wioh I approve uv. I hev scrlptooral authority for urgln silver. It wuz that metal that Joodis Iskar- lot wuz paid in. For the purpus uv takin the sence uv the citizens on this question I approached Bascom mildly on the subject. "Bascom," sed I, "are yoo willin to take sliver for drinks?" "Parson," sed he ez a sad look clouded his face for an instant, ez he ■glanced at my account, "Parson, I'll take anything from yoo, for drinks, ex- cept promises, — anything." p. v. N. CONKLING AND CIVIL SERVICE EEFORM. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky)i Dec. 17, 1877. When the yooserper Hayes attemtid wat he calls civil service reform, he struck a blow at the Dimocratic party wich, ef he succeeds, will wreck it. Ef he and his Cabinlt is going to take the appintin power out uv the hands uv the Sena.tors and Representatives, and ef the absurd noshun that any sich humbug ez fltnis is to be the root in fillin the ofBses, why chaos comes agin. Wat interest wood I hev in politics ef it wuzn't for the postoffis at the Corners, wich to me is like faith, the evidence uv things not seen, and the substance uv things hoped for? Ef a Senator can't fill the Custom-houses uv his State and the Post- ofBses ez well, with them ez packt the caucuses for him, and run the Coft- venshuns for him, wat earthly show hez he for gittin re-electid and keepin his grip onto his seat? Take from the Senators and Representatives the patronage wich they dispense, and half uv era wood be displaced at the next eleckshun, and sich men ez me wood hev to resign all hope uv llvin on the fat uv ofBs-holdin and become tramps, our only alternative bein the disgustin one uv work, wich I never, never will do, whilt reason holds Its throne, or there is a man left that I kin borrow a dollar and a h alf uv. Take away the patronage and there Is no incentive to patriotism for sich men ez me, and wat wood our poor country do then? Takin away the patronage m^kes orfuns uv sich men ez I am. The Treasury uv our glorious country is our father and mother, and rich maid- en aunt. From it we draw sustenance now, and hev hopes uv better pickin in the fucher. The glorious flght that Senator Conkling is raakin in behalf uv the Nasbys uv the Toonitid States endeers him to every man uv em, I yoost to think. him the vilest of the vile. I hev denounst his partisanship, ridi- cooled his vanity, and otherwise aboosed him, but I take it all back. I Itfv Senator Conkling, and from this time out my hat, ef I hev one, will alluz be ready to be throwd up for him. Senator Conl^ling Is a- standin rebook to the.n ez jedge hastily uv men. . I hatid him becoz he alius appeared afore the public ez a honest man. I wuz mistaken, but I am not to blame for bein deceeved. He wore perpet- yooally sich an expresshun uv sooperior morality, he talked with sich unk- Ehen about purity and sich, that I never sposed that so small a thing ez 234 The IS'asby Letters. patronag-e ever entered his mind. I sposed that he never mixed In the small matters that sich men ez me are interested in, and that the menshun uv a postoffis, or a humble place in a custom-house, wood make him sicli; and ez for yoosin sich places and the people wich fill em for his own, pur- poses — wood hev ez soon thought uv Sumner's doin it. In short, I supposed that Conkling wuz a small pattern uv Sumner— a dilootid imitashen uv that Massachoosits fanatic. I figgered that he hed all uv Sumner's pride, ef he didn't hev Sumner's ability. He bore the same relashun to Sumner that watered milk does to the genyooine dairy product. It's very thin, but it's milk aiter all. Thank heaven I wuz deoeeved — Sumner didn't leeve so much ez an Imitashen behind him. The favorite son uv Noo York is now my ma.n, even ez Patterson is. HS hankers after custom-houses, for custoiri-hbuses made him, and he won't relinquish his hold on em. The fight he made for his plunder fills my sole with admirashen. I cherished hard feelins agin him when he permittid the yooserper to turn out five hundred men from the Noo York Custom-house last spring, for it looked as tho wuz on too high a plane to look after sich things. But the fite he is makin now justifies him in my eyes. I see it all. He wuz willin to let half uv em go, for appearance's sake, provided he wuz allowed to keep control uv wat wuz left. He cood pack cawcusses with the half ez well ez with the whole, for them ez wuz left wood make up in zeel wat they lacked in numbers. And besides it Wuz nessary to throw a sop to the on^ reasonable people wich is clamorin for reform. But when the yooserper put his profane hand on to the collector and naval ofRser, and perposed to put men in their places wich wuzn't devotid to the Senator, his blood riz and. he showed fite. And a very vigorous fite he made. He forgot the silver bill, he forgot resumpshen, he forgot evuiy- thing. Conkling wuz assailed, his per&nel property wuz bein wrestid from him, and he fought ez a lionis for her whelps. It wuz a gorgeous spec- tacle, and the result thrilled with joy every man like me in the country. , The intelligence diftoosed a feelin uv satisfackshen over the entire Corners. Ef the rool wich the yooserper is tryin to establish, obtaines, wat will we do In 1880, wen we elect Tilden and reform? He woodent dare to vary it, and then wat wood become uv me and sich ez me? How oood Tilden and reform decide who shood hev the places from mere cOnsidera- shun uv fitnis? It's an Innovashen wich the Corners wood never stand, never. The posishen he hez took pleases me, for it's on my level. There are peeple wich 'spose that a man is put in offis on account uv the people, but they'r mistaken. The troo Nasb/an idee uv holdin offis is that the only biznis uv a offis-holder, wunst in, is to give his whole mind to stayin in. That is his first biznis, and wat he must pay his prinsiple at- tenshun to. When the people hav elevatid a man it wood be dis- respect to them not do everything In his power to stay ele- vatid. To let hisself ever go out wood be to cast a slur on their judg- ment. A Senator may at the last enl uv a session vote in a hurry on a tariff or a, silver bill, or resumpshun, or any uv them minor matters, but they are uv no moment beside the question ez to whether he will be re- turned hisself. Hence we kin understand why Senator Cbnklin takes up the beginnin uv the session contestln the removal of his Collectors and sich. Ef they go out, and others get the places, wat kin he do when it comes to nominatin the Liegislacher that elects tfie ^lejit g^^^tor? Ef he. The Xasby LETTaaa. 2„S hasn't the Custom Houso and the ^oslomsea some other man may git to be Senator, and wat wood the country do then? There's a, prlnslple Involved In this, a prlnslple wich I and Senator C'onkling will go to our deaths for. I extend the hospitality uv the Corners to Senator Conkling. I never expectid to see him with us, but he Is ail the more welkom for that. Re- croots from unexpectid sources are alluz the most welkom. He hez cume o-ver to the Dimocratic idee in this, and there is hopes that he may pro- gress further. At all evence," in stoppin the march uv the heresy that the ^yooserper is tryln to force on the country, he is doin a, work wich I will never forglt. I extend my fraternel hand to Senator Conkling and bid him God-speed. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Reformer. SILVER AT THE COENEES. Confedrit X Roads, '(Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Dec. 22, 1877. Ez a matter of course, the Corners is impecunious. There never wuz a time in the history uv this place that it wuzn't in that state uv finanshel helth. The disinclinashen uv the people to labor-the porousnid uv the clay wich requires so much likwid fillin, and the loss uv time resultin,- makes it extremely difficult for anything like accumulashen to happen, consekently borrerln Is the principal industrial pursoot, wich would be well enuft ef there wuzn't any payin. Payin is wat blites a man, and cripples his energies. Payin is slowly, but shoorly undermlnin the Corners, and • sappin its prosperity. I hate payin. It robs a dollar uv all its delite to know you hev got to pay it agin, after you hev spent it. Wat I shood like wood be to hev dollars wich reprodoose their selves. Ef two dollars cood only marry and hev large families! That wood be suthin like. The Silver bill wich Bland Is pushiu pleases us here for several rea- Eons. The Corners is largely composed uv the debtor class. We are all in debt. That graspin Shylock, Bascora, hez furnisht us the necessarie.s uv life these' twenty years, and hez kept on "chargin it up," when we didn't pay, with the remorsells accooracy uv a feend. He never cood get no mortgage out uv me to seooor hlsself for the reason that I don't happen to hev anything to mortgage, but he does hold mortgages on Deekin Po- gram's place, and also on every other place in iJie visinity, for money lent and supplies furnisht. Wat happens? Why Bascom wants liis pay. He sneerinly sez that ef we don't expect to pay wat do we drink fur? "Kin [ buy Ukker In Louisville, and sell it to yoo without pay?" suz he. Ah! ef he only knows how pleasant it is to drink and how onpleasant it Is to pay he would change his mind about it. But there are very few large- tieartld men in the world. Bascom wants his money and Bascom Is consekently a Shylock. He Is I oppressor, and a grinder uv the faces uv the people. We wood rise up n our wrath and mob him, but alas! there ain't one uv us wich hez credit snuff for a barl uv Ukker In Loolsvllle, and so we hev to endoor him. Therefore when heerd uv this silver biz'nis we wuz rejolst. Ef silver is nade a legle tender, and Is only wuth 92 cents on the dollar now, we hev It least, rescood ourselves from the grasp uv this mersenary cuss wich (■ants his money, 8 per cent's wuth anyhow. And we are satisfied it will ;o lower than that. When Sharon and Jones and the silver miners of uv 236 The Nasby Letters. Nevady hev got things fixed so that they kin pay wat they owe In th4r own silver, they will hist It out to an extent wich will make it ez cheep ez ceod be wished. Then we will hev this yoosurer, wich holds destruckshen over us. Our land,— I am speekin uv the other citizens now wich hev land— will go up ten times in valyoo. Land wich Is now wuth $40 an acre ■will spin up toi $400,— in silver— and wi3 will sail enuffi to git wat we owe Bascom, and we will load a cart with it and take it to that unmerciful creditor and compel him to take It, and releesa us from his dominashen. I see in my mind's eye that deer, deliteful old saint, Dekin Pogram, makin a deed for two acres uv the hundred and fifty he hez. That miser- able, grindin Bascom lent him $1,000 four years ago, wich hez bin runnin on interest ever sence, and he hez a bar bill uv perhaps $300 more, makin all perhaps 1,500 wich this Shylock holds agin him. There will be a speckila- tor from Looisville, down to the Corners a buyin land. "Deekin, wat will yoo ask me an aker for two akers off the east side uv yoor place?" sez the spekilator. "Mirandy," sez the deekin, "wat do I owe that crooel, hard-hearted shy-, lock uv a Bascom?" "One thousan five hundred dollars," will be Mirandy's anser. "Sir," sez the Dekin, "you kin hev two aeres for jist $1,500. I must git out uv the clutches uv that monster wich demands remorselisly the money he lent me. Oh, the hard-heartldnis uv this world! Thank heaven, I hev but a few more years uv It. Mirandy, send the jug to Bascom's, and tell him I'll try to pay him suthin on account next week." And then the land will be sold, (the two akers,) leavin the Deekin 138, wich is enufC, and the Deekin will load the silver in his cart, and will take it over to Bascom'e and dump It triumphantly down on the floor, and de- mand his releese. Then will he be free uv this shark— he will satisfy his cormorant — ^he will walk the streets erect, a free man. Then will every- body do like-wise, but me, and I persoom I will, for silver will be so cheap that I kin probably borrer enuff to pay the graspln man wat I owe hirn. We held a meetin last nite and resolved that it wuz the sentiment uv the Corners that silver shood be remonetized, and that resumpshen shood be put off. The Corners will allez resolve to put off payin anythln. It wuz a enthuoosiastio meetin, made up entirely uv the debtor class. 'I made a Etirrin speech wich would hev hed an Immense effect but for one triilin draw-back. I wuz dilatin on the "Dollar uv the Fathers," and sed with a burst uv elokence. "Look at this piece uv money! It wuz this kind uv money wich carried the country thro^" It wuz an unfortunit way uv gittin at things. For I didn't hev a piece uv silver in my pockit, and I appeeled to the aujence to hunt one up that I mite give pint to the flite, hut alas! ther wusn't a peece uv silver in the house, not even a dime! But I turned this to akkount even. I pride my- self on beln able to pluck the flower Safety from the nettle Danger. Most men wood hev bin disconcerted at this, but not me. "My trends," I sed, "when we hev this silver bill past, I won't be caught in this awkward fix. Every man in the Corners will hev a cart-load uv it." And they give three cheers for the sliver bill, and adjourned, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Finanseer. P. S. — That graspln Bascom hez throwd a flre-brand Into the Corners. Ez silver is at a discount uv eight per cent., he hez waterd his whisky jist that amount. He sez ef we want to pay him in debased currency we hev got to take debased likker. That man will hev to be killed, ylt. P. V. N. Thb Nabbt LETTiaa. 237 MB. NASBY'S NEW CUEEENCY IDEA. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich Is In the State uv Kentucky), Jan. 14, 1878. I am not satisfied with silver, now that J hev given the subject uv currency that attenshun wlch so important a matter demands. I under- stand that silver kin be prodoost In unlimited quantities in the territories, and that ther ain't reely any limit to the amount that kin be put upon the markit. Also I understand, and kin appreshlate the fact, that the man wich is In debt and In distress, and wlch Is hungrin and thirstin to git out, wich hez suthln, kin make that suthln avaleable by beln able to yoose silver in the payln uv his debts. But that don't help us uv the Corners. Silver is a, parshel releef, but It don't strike that vast army uv men wlch ain't got nuthiri. Wat good Is it to say to me, "Too shel be releesed from yoor debts on the payment uv 25 cents on the dollar," when I havn't got the twenty-five cents, and can^t see my way cleer to git em? It Is askin for bred and givin me a stun. It Is holdin out false indoosements wlch amount to nuthin. "Wat the Comers want and^at the Corners must hev, is a medium wich Is more easily procoored than silver. The remonetlzashun uy, silver wood help out the bonanza men, and them ez hev suthln on wlch they kin git silver at the discount It will go to, but that don't do us here in the Corners. For while I wuz advocatln the Silver Bill the other day, and urgin that It wood enable us to pay off debts at a discount, Joe Bigler kum up, and Bed he:— "But Parson, 'spose yoo cool pay off at 75 cents on the dollar with sil- ver. Wher are yoo goin to git the 75 cents?" That remark uv his opened to me a wide field uv conjecter. Silver ron't do "for us for it hez some intrinsic valyoo. The dettor class wants to be releeved in hole — ^not In part. We want a currency wich is avaleable to the meanest ez well ez the noblest. I sejest leather! Wat I want is a currency made uv leather. Leather is perdoosed in all the States uv the Tooniun, and Is accessible to the most humble citizen, uv the Republic. Wherever there is a cow and a tannery, leather kin be per- doosed, and why we shoodent yoose that ez a medium uv exchange, beets me. What is a dollar? A dollar is a Idee. Watever the Goveenment puts its stamp onto is a dollar. The bonanza men in Colorado want the Gove- roent to put its stamp onto silver, and make dollars uv silver, becoz they happen to own the mines wich perdocse silver. They will then deliberate- ly quit floodln ther mines and they will pile out the silver by the ton, and pay ofC their debts with it, and see their titles cleer to the property they now owe for, and will retire in aflluence, and conscious they hev done a smart flnanshel thing. But wat good will that do us uv the Corners wlch can't git ther silver? Wat's the yoose uv sayln to a starvln person that he kin git bred at 5 cents a loaf if he hezn't got the 5 cents? We hain't got 75 cents on the dollar uv wat we owe, and the passage uv the silver bill Is only goln to help the parshelly pecoonius. Wat we want Is full and entire releef. We want a currency wich we ourselves kin furnish, and that I am going to move for. I want silver coined aaid made legle tender for the benefit uv the West, and I want leather coined and made legal tender for the benefit uv the Middle States 238 1?HB Nasbt Lbtteej and the East, In this holy croosade agin the creditor class I Insist that ^1! j seckshuns shall start fair, and that no one seckshun shell hev an advan- tage over the other. [ I want leather coined Into dollars. I want every man wich hez a, side uv first rate sole-leather to hev the privilege uv deposltin it in a mint uv the Toonlted States, and hevin it stamped into pieces wich shel represent, dollars, and that them dollars shel be legal tender for any debt, public or private, that he may owe. Understand me, I am no inflashunist, nor do I desire to Injer the public credit. I desire that everything shel go along smoothly and properly. And to that end I shel insist that — 1st— The leather shel be sole, uv first quality, hemlock-tanned, and en- tirely merchantable. 2d— That it shel not be In the power uv everybody to coin leather. I won't hev every man wich kin git a punch and p. stamp makin his own money, for then ther wood be an over-ishoo. To prevent that I shel require that the coinin uv leather shel be done at reglerly insljitooted Government mints, and by nobody else. So much to perte^t the currency. 3d— To pertect the people and to be shoor that enuff currency shall be fumisht to supply the wants uv trade, I insist that every man wich kills a bull shel be privileged to hev the hide tanned, and shel be allowed to taka that hide, when tanned, to a mint and hev It stamped into money, each piece to weigh so much, and that when the government stamp is onto it, it shel be legle tender for a dollar. The simple process will equalize the Bast with the West. Silver kin be lifted out in Colorado and them secshuns ez easily ez cattle kin be killed in the East, and ez they want ther mejum with wich to pay their debts, uv course we want our to pay ours. We hev cattle and they hev silver. I am willin they shall make legle tender uv their silver— I want , to make legle tender uv a small part uv our cattle. Ef it is urged that It will pre- vent our hevin sich shoes ez we ought to hev, my anser is ready. The Corners hevn't worn shoes to any extent for a great many yeers. The Corners hez other yoose for its money. The advantages uv this medium are obvious. While we want more money we want money that anybodj' kin git hold uv. When we ask for a finanshel fish wat is the use uv offerin us a stun uv silver? Bf we aint got the silver we are ez bad off ez before. We want to pay our debts and gii out. Leather is attainable by the most humble. He is a poor man iudeed who hezn't got a bull to kill, and when kin sell the carcass and coin the hide he kin pay. Then he is solvent. Then he kin start ne-ff and go iuto debt agiii conshus that the meens uv payment are alluz within his reech. The government stamp unto it pertects It and makes it good, and what more does any one want? Do I heer a carper say that other countries won't take leather cur- rency? Wat do we, wich arej in debt, care about other countries? My deellns hev never bin in furrin countries. I deel prinsipally with Bascom. and ef I kin hev a currency wich will pay him, I don't keer for much else. Wat want is suthin that will stimoolata trade here and let me out. That done everything is done so fur es I am concerned, and wat do I keer for anything else? Nothin. It seems to me that this settles the currency question entirely, and that ther is nothin more to be said. Give uv us not only a double but a triple currency. Let us hev gold, silver and leather.- Only make em all legle The Nasbt Letters. 239 tender, and help us out here In the East, the same ez yoo do them hi the West. Give leather a show for us, the same ez yoo do silver for them In :he West. And espeshelly ez silver in the West kin be perdoost jlst ez cheeply ez leather kin be in the East. Wat I want is fair play. In the gin- eral scoop I want my show. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Financeer. BASCOM PRBPAEES FOE THE SILVEE EUSH. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jan. 22, 1878. I ain't so certin that I want the silver bill to pass ez I wuz. The fact is the thing don't work ez I sposed it wood, and ain't cleer onto it. The fact Is there is suttle principles in these flnanshel questions which reqwires a great deel uv thought, and ther is underlyin principles wich a, man hez got to understand afore he is competent to set hisself up ez authority. One thing I am certin uv, Bascom ain't no finanseer, nor never will fee, and 1 told him so. "Wat is a flnanseer?" asked he. "A finanseer," sed I, assoomin the look of Dan'l Webster, "is a man wich kin pay his debts with nothin — a man wich kin git suthin with nuthin." "The Corners, then, is full uv finanseers," he remarkt, bitterly, castin a casual glance at his slate, wich wuz jlst full enuff to turn over and begin on the tother side. But he hezen't any uv the science uv it. I wuz argooing with him the other day in favor uv my noshun uv a leather currency, though I told him silver wuz much the same thing, tho for example I wood assoom that sil- ver wuz to be the currency uv the f ucher. "Now, don't yoo see, Bascom, that ef I hed twict ez much money I cood drink twict ez much whisky, and pay for it?" "How much is twice nothin?" wuz the onfeelin anser uv the tyrant who holds tte destinies uv the Corners in his hands. "That's wat yoor capitle hez bin ever sence I hev knowd yoo." "Parson," sed he, "I don't see what earthly difference it's goin to make whether silver is currency or anything else. How are yoo a goin to git silver ef it is made legle-tender? Ef silver wuz ez plenty ez bricks, wat hev yoo got to git any uv it wiih?" "Troo, G. W.," wuz my .anser; "but can't yoo see tha,t to hev Eilver wood releeve the dettor class? Even now, afore it is legle-tender, it's only wuth 92 cents on the dollar, and when the country is floodid with it, it will go still lower. Then we — or rather sich uv us ez hev property to raise money on — ^kin pay off — " "Eggsackly so," retorts Bascom; "yoo kin pay me for the good honlst likker uv mine, wich yoo hev consoomed, in coin wich is less than the dol- lar yoo promised. All rite. But look here— come in here, all uv yoo. I want yoo silver 'men to know exactly wat yoo are rushin into." And this feend led us into the back room — ^that baoor to become Commoonists, we de- termined to try it again. Ez there air;'t nothing in our hands, ez Bascom and Pollock hev everything that is uv valyoo, in this vicinity, we coodent see where we shood lose anything anyhow, by Insistin onto a fair divide with a view uv takin a, noo start. After all, commoonism Is the proper The JSIasby Letters. 247 noshun. Wat diffrence does it make to rae that Pollock works and I don't? Am I to blame for not liking to work? I am ez nacher made me, and I must live. There he is ez he is, and he can't git anything more than a, livin out uv It. Therefore it is his dooty to accoomoolate enuff for hisself and me, and ef he refooses to do it, it is my dooty, ez a citizen, to compel him. Issaker, M'Pelter, the Deekln and myself thought the matter all over and determined to stand no more nonsense from them fellows, but to take with the strong hand, all that wich they hed so long defrooded us uv. We determined to rise in our mite, and wrest from them despoilers the property they hed contrived to filch f om us. And every man uv us rolle.i over and got up, and called a labor m ;etin. • ******** ^ttdijl,*!,^ * I wuz makin the speech uv the nite. It wuz a gorgeous effort. I wuz In the middle of It. I wuz showin that all property wuz robbery, and that In a troo republic one man shoodent hev any more than another man. I wuz demonstratin the absurdity uv P3rmittin one man to hev hoardid up that wich he coodent yoose, when others, made in the same image, wuz a hungerin and a thirstin. I wuz demonstratin the necessity uv a ekal di- vision uv all property, real and personal, with laws perhibitin accoomoola- shen, by hevln a divishen every -Fourth of Jooly, when a boy entered the meetin-house, with a telegram for me. It wuz breef, and to the pint: — Saint's Rest, Noo Jersey, July 15. Petroleum V. Nasby, Confedrit X Roads, Ky.: Toor aunt Mehitable died yisterday, and made yoo her Heir. The estate is wuth suthln over $40,000. Write how yoo want it. SMITH & SLOCUM, Attorneys. I seed a lite. To-wunst my feelings experienced a revulsion. I hed a sudden change uv hart. I felt u. horror at the levelin doctrines uv com- moonism. The idea uv dividin up property become to me to-wunst the most repulsive thing in the world. $40,000 is $4,000 a, yeer — and four thou- sand a yeer means comfort and elegance for me. Wat good wood it do to divide it up? and beside I found a doubt ez to whether a man wuz ever en- titled to anything more than he really, amasses by honest industry, or — possibly inh(#its. I can't see that it is wrong to live by the honest sweat uv an aunt's eye-brow. At all events, declined to go on with my speech, and Joe Bigler insisted that I shood. I refoozed and deklined to give any reason for it, and denounced em all as a set of agrarian levele'rs. I de- nounst Cornmoonism ez robbery, ana insisted that every man hed an in- defeesibie rite to wat wuz his'n, and that nothin cood indoose me to join ray forohoons to a principle so utterly repugnant to the idee uv civil/ja- shun. Then Joe Bigler and Pollock, foUered by the enj-aged citizens, pounced upon me, and Joseph tore from my grasp the telegram, and red it to the populis. It wuz enufC. A party uv eni wantid to tear nie lim from lim, for wat they wuz pleesed to call my base desershun uv a great coz, but the oounsijs uv the older and wiser prevailed. "Let him up," sed the good Deekin Pogram. "Let him up, he hez money and Commoonism shel be enforced all the same. We will borrer uv him, wich, will be the same ez tho ha made a divvy all to wunst." And so I wuz releesed, and went my way, feelin considrably elatld. No more work for me. Henceforth my days wuz to be pleasure and my nites delltes. With $40,000 I cood snap my fingers at the world and live ez I choose. 248 ■ The JNasbt Iietters. Bascom hea lent me the money to perceed to-wunst to Saint's Rest to secoor my patermony, and I hed borrered a. pare uv boots uv the Deekln,^ and an extra shirt uv Issaker. Ail wuz in readiness, and the mule wuz at Bascam's door, when the dred intelligence reeched me that ther wuzn't nothin in it. It hed all bin put up by Bigler and Pollock to see e( I wood change on the very platform. They hed writ the dispatch and sent it, and hired the mail boy to hand it to me. Bascom pounced onto me for the money he hev to do with this money is to keep it movln. Yoo hump this bill onto y )or leather merchant, and he'll hump it along on somebody else, and ez long ez yoo think it's a dollar, why isn't it?" He took it, tho it seemed to me h^ wuzn't convinst. We ain't bothered with it at all, ez it ain't never to be redeemed, except that when one bill wears out, the ho'der kin come and git another In its stead. We mite retire a worn-out bill, but ez that wood contract the cur- rency we don't think it the best thing to do. We want a volume uv cur- rency afloat ekal to the demands uv trade. The Nasbt Letters. 255 There wuz some trouble, for a great many farmers didn't want to take- U, and Bascom kicked somewhat. But we Ued a remedy for this. The labrln populashen held a. meetin and in the sacred coz uv laber agin capitle notified the people that any one wich refoozed to take the money at par wood be to-wunst hung. Undsr this stimulus Bascom took it, but he Immejitly advanced the price uv likker to flfteen cents, and a few hours after to twenty-flve. We remonstrated with him about it, and he answered us: "Ef there's going to be a era uv p osperlty I am going to share in It. Yog kin hev all the likker yoo want at Ave cents, old money, but ef I am compelled to take yoor fiat money foi- likker, yoo can't dictate to mu the price I shel ask, for that rests with me ez a free citizen uv these Yoonitid States." I am a j.ust man. I acknowledged the strength uv his posishun. All I did wuz to walk over to the printin o fis and order another hunderd thou- sand dollars struck off, and put It into cirkelashen to-wunst. Wat we want Is money enuff. The effeck on the Corners wuz Ins'ifintaneous. We never hed sich a er;i uv prosperity. Ez every man hed all the money he wantid, woi-k wuz generally suspendid, and the people give thejvHelves up wholly to enjoy- ment. Bascom did 'a tren\endous business, the storekeepers (all except that cuss Pollock and Joe Bigler, wlio not only refoozed to take the money but refoozed to be hung,) did a smashin business. Men wich never hed a dollar in ther lives hed ther pockits fall, and ther is nothin but the most cheerful prospeck ahed uv us. Whei money kin be hed by printing it, wat is to prevent everybody hevin all they need? Nothin. I shal print a lot more to-morrow. PETROLEUM V. N.XSBY, Reformer and Flnanseer. P. S. — There Is one little speck u .- trouble about our flat money. Ther ain't no farmer puttin In any wheat for they say they don't teer about s^reatin for this kind uv money. The bloatid employers at Fat^yV/lle, and Plalnville, hev consentid to advance the wagis uv ther employees ef they will take our money in pay, but the mechanics swear they must be paid in Nashnel bank-notes, ef they work. And the most uv em decided they won't work at all so long ez they ki i git enulf uv flat money to live on. It's all very well now, but ther oughf to be some work goin on. We must hev legislashen compellin uv em. THE COENERS EXPEEIMBNTS WlTH FIAT MONET. Confedrit X Roads. (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky). Sept. 20, 187S. The amount of prosperity the Corners is labrin under, just now, is mir- ackulus. Me and Issaker Gavitt hez isshoed over three hundred thou- sand dollars uv our fiat money, and ez I perdictid the Corners is prosperin ' to a degree that no one, not even myself, ez sangwin ez I am, never dreem- ed uv. Issaker Gavitt and me hev quit ishooin flat money and the To^n Coun- cil hev taken it in hand, so that it sliel hev an offishel look. The money' they ishoo I'eeds thus: THIS IS A DOLLAR, Sekoored by the faith of Confedrit X Roads. 256 ITflE Nasbt LfiTTEftS. These bills Is slgnofl by the Mayor and Clerk uv the corporashen, and ez they are printed in two colors with a green back, they look ez good ez any money I ever saw. The question wuz how to git em Into cirkelashen. Money ain't good for nothin onless it cirkelates, and so the Council resolved on a system uv internal improvements to git em out. Accordingly they let the foUerin contrax: A new City Hall to cost $250,000. Publick skool bilding to cost $10,000. (This wuz considerd extravagant, but the main pint( is to git the money into cirkelashen.) A ship canal to connect Confedrit Run with Sucker Crik. Ez ther ain't no water uv any akkount in either, a ingenious system uv artesian wells hez to be bored, and sufflshent water to floa-t a steemboat is to be pumped Into em by steem engines. The estimatld cost uv this nessai-y im- provement is one millioii uv dollars. A narrer guage railroad to connect the Corners with SeoeBsionvllle on ■ the Looisville road, cost $500,000. A plank road to Davisville, to cost $200,000. Steam fire engines and a complete fire department to cost $50,000. This is ez fur ez the council hez got, but other appropriations will be made for other improvements ez fast ez the money is wantid to git into cirkelashen, that being the main pint now. The contrax wuz all let to citizens uv the Corners, mostly to members uv the Council, and they wuz all based on the price uv a drink, plane, fifty cents. The counsel hed the money printid to pay the contrakters with- Ez we didn't want to wait long before the era uv prosperity sot in, it wuz votid that eech contraker shood hev an advance uv twenty-flve per cent on the amount uv his contrack, that the money mite be got into cir- kelasliun to wunst, and the good eftex mite be felt immejitly.' This wuz done, and some $500,000 wuz paid to em. The efCeck is terrific. The wages uv labrin men hez gone up to $7 a day, and It is difficult to prokoor em at that. Whiskey hez riz to 50 cents a drink without sugar, and 75 with. The groanin shoemaker wich used to git $5 for a pare uv stogy boots, is gettin $20 now, and he ain't particular about sellin even at that price. Everybody hez got all the money they want, and the Corners is baskin in the beems uv onllmltid prosperity. This flat money is a, big thing. The only spot on our shlnln sun is Bigler and Pollock. They refooze to tetch our money at all, and ez they keep goods wich we must hev its inconvenient. And then Joe goes about askin all sorts uv fool questions. He wants to know who's ever goln to redeem the money? He wants to know wat good this money Is agoln to be in Looisville wher our supplies come from primarily ? He wants to know who is agoin to pay the taxes for all these improvements, and how we will feel when the bubble busts and we are left with a. immense debt onto our shoulders? I answered him that he didn't know nothin about flnanseerin. That the very essence uv flat mo^ney wuz that it wuzn't never to be redeemed, that the people wuz a takln it for their goods and labor, and that they wood pay It out for more goods and labor, and that it wood keep on for- ever in one endlls round. "But," sed Josef, "the contraektors hev got to hev iron and tools and things, and the lakorers hev got to hev shoes and a great deel uv llkker, and a little suthin to eat oooasslonally. It's all very well so long ez they The NASBt Let^eiis. 257 kin trade among themselves, but how will It be" In LoolsvlUe? Will they take It there?" That is the cloud that hangs over us. Will they take it in I.,ooisvllle, where we hev to buy our goods? We must move on the legislacher and get the State to adopt the Cor- ners' idee, and then we must go to Congris and compel the ishooin uv flat money by the General Government, makin It legle tender wherever the flag floats. And that it may be got Into, cirkelashen the General Govern- ment must be paternal, and must Imitate the Corners in the matter uv in- ternal improvements. There must be a ship eanal from Chicago to To- ledo, the Erie canal must be enlarged so as to pass the Great Eastern, the whole Mississippi "Valley must be kivered with levees and everything else, there must be Custom Houses and Post Offices built in every city and vil- lage, and ez for raleroads, Lord bless us, they must be built from every- where to everywhere, and all at the expense uv the Government, for the purpus uv gittin fiat money into cirklashen in sufflshent voUums to meet the requirements uv trade. Ef the bloatid bond-holders want to keep ther bonds, all rite, only they must take principle and intrest in this kind uv money. Them ez are held abroad shood be repoodiatid to-wunst, and hev done with em. Ther are forty mlllyuns uv people in this kentry, and I insist that enuff public works shood be put through to give every man, woman a,nd child iri the Yoonyun at leest $2,000 uv money. A helthy war wood git it into cirkelashen faster, but I am averse to bloodshed. I am as tender in my feelins ez I am broad in my finanshel vews. This is my finanshel noshun, but they ain't original with me. The Dlmocratic and Nashnel leeders are holdln the same noshens in a modi- fied form. They will advance to my posishun when they see how the thing works in the Comers. I don't want no gold, nor no silver. A paper dollar is good enuff for me, so ez It will buy llkker, and I kin git enuff uv it. Wat do I keer for debt, when that debt ain't never goln to be paid? GoJd is an exploded Idee! Ring out the old and ring in the new! We want more money and we are goin to hev it. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Finanseer. P. S. — The trubble that Josef prophesied hez come already. Pelter, the shoemaker sold out his stock gaily, for fiat money, and went to Looisville to git more leather. The LooisviUe leather men woodent give him a bit uv, leather for our money, and that Is all he hez. He offered em three prices,' but they declined frigidly, and he come home without a single side. He swears he has bin robbed, and he is aa disloyal ez to d — ^n the counsil, and me, the originator uv the idee. I told him to start a tannery hisself, and be Independent uv the outside world, bu* he wantid to know , how he wuz agoin to do with fiat money? Th« fact is sosiety needs reorganizln. There must be some way devised to compel LooisvlUe to take our monej'. Ez no fiat money is ever goin to be redeemed in gold or anything else, why ain't ourn jist ez good ez anybody's? ME. NASBY'S LAST EiPEEIMBNT WITH FIAT MONETi Confedrit X Roads. (Wioh is In the State uv Kentucky). Oct. 15, 1878. The October elecksh'uns alnt ez satisfactory ez they mite hev bin, but they will do. We hev lost Ohio, and Iowa, but we have gobbled Injeany 258 TfiE Nasby Letters. and West Virginny. The grate coz uv finanshel salvashen hez not ez y passed into a triumph, but it hezn't bin killed, wich is some comfor Ther is yit room for hope. Wheat he protest. , We make our protest in our own way. I By the result uv the war the nigger wuz given the ballot. All rite. He hez the ballot. We don't beleeve he ought to hev it, but ez the Fif- , teenth Amendment gives it to him, we accede. We hate the amendment, but ez it is law we yeeld. Wei are law-abidin citizens. And so we give to the Afrikin his rites, and lay down quietly to him. He kin vote ez much as he pleeses, and ez freely ez anybody. Kin the North ask anything more? Still we hev our way of regulatin wat we consider evils. Here in the Cross-Road.? our method is very simple. Joe Bigler and Pollock wuz off buyln a car-load uv mules. They wuz not here on elecshun day, and consekently we wuz not in terror uv Bigler'a revolver, or Pollock's tongue. We knowd they cood not get back in time to vote, or even to marshel the five hundred niggers that hev the franchise at these poles. Therefore we perposed to send up a complete and cleen Democratic offlshary from this precinct, and at the same time obey the law. We respect the law. The nigger hez the rite to vote. We understand that and respect It, But there must be limitashuns. He may vote — the law sez that — but the law don't say how he shel vote. That is for us. We determine that. We are the roolin class, and the inferior class must be guided by the superior intelleck that don't like to work. Ef we cood hev trusted the nigger we wood hev done it, but we coodent. We knowd he hed a predeleoshun for radikelism, and wuz, ez a rool, opposed to .appropriashuns. H« cood iiot be trusted with the ballot without gidanse. Wat dii we do? Joe Bigler and Pollock wuz away buyin mules, and the niggers were without ther leeders. Then we orgnized. We notified em that they shood vote — that we didn't want to interfere with ther rites, but that they must vote according to our noshens. We sed to em ez follows : ^ "Too are entitled to the ballot under the laws. We don't approve uv the laws, but they iz laws and we shel respect em. Far be it from us to break laws,, or in any way interfere in ther proper execooshen. You shel vote. Yoo shel exercise the rites uv citizens. Every one uv yoo who v^ants to vote step up. We will. give yoo a Dimocratic ticket and yoo shel vote it. Ef yoo refooze to vote that ticlcet, we shel immediately perceed to blow the top uv yoor hed off. We want the utmost freedom uv opiiiyun, and the ballot box shel be inviolate, pervided yoo vote rite. We shel say wat is rite. Now don't go and complane that yoo hev bin refoosed the privileges uv an Amerikin citizen." The niggers come down and attemptld to vote. We hed shot-guns and navy revolvers and stood at the poles. Ez they filed up, we demanded a site uv the tikkits they perposed to vote, and ef it wuz our tjkklt, it vSBt The K"asby Letters. 2G3 in all rite. Ef It wuz any other tikklt, the presumpshus retch wlch offered it hed the top uv his hed blowd off, immejitly, ez a warnin to the others. IWe coodent stay foolin about, wen cur rites wuz involved. Uv course, the result wuz a clean Diraocratic vote. Ther wuz no rad- iliel tlkkits in the box, wich shows that the South hez but one Isentlment. Watever our views Is, they are yoonanlmus, and that is all ther Is about it. Let the North look at our poll-lists, and the North will git a cleer idee ez to wat the South reely desires. I suppose there will be a howl, al out the fact that there wuz a yoonan- lmus Dlmecratlc vote at the Cross-Roads, when it is well known that there are five hundred niggers in the precinct wich wood vote the Abo- llshn, Radikel llkkit. I suppose that it will be made the excoose for an- other raid and another Qemand for violent measures agin the sufferin South. Let it be so. Bf the North si'pposes that we shel lay still and let nlggera offset our votes, when we want the Southern war debt paid, and a system uv Southern internal improvements inoggeratid, the North is mis- taken. The Southern DImocrat knows how to perfect himself. He obeys laws, pervidld the laws run his w^v. PBrROLBUM V. NASBY, Statesman, ME. NASBY FOEESEBS TEOUBLE. Confedrit X Roads. (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky). Dec. 10, 1878. I foresee trouble. My prophetic sole looks forrerd a year or two. and perseeves a cloud a loomin up in the fucher, wich bodes us uv the South no good. I foresee a raid wich will be made onto the suffrin South, and- possibly it may be successful. I foresee a, renewal uv the hostilities wich led to a fratricidle struggle betwixt the sexshuns In 1S61, and possibly gore. The North is not content with things ez they are. The North persists In bleevin that the rites uv the niggers In the South hez bin violatid, and that they hev bin deprived uv the priviligls of freemen, wich they foitify by assertin ez a fact that in the Cross-Roads alone 75 niggers were killed for insistin upon votin the Republikin tikkit, and that 500 wuz kept away from the poles by force. At least let the people uv the North hev the truth. Our enemies will find that nothin kin be gained by misrepresentashun and false statement. I will give the exact facts. There wuz only 72 killed, the other three bein merely severely woundid. One uv the woundid may hev died sence, but I am not certin. Ther wuzn't five hundred druv away from the poles, the exact number wuz four hundred and ninety-one. It is by sich falsehoods that the sufCrin South is bein prejoodist. It Is by means uv sich lies that Congris will be inflooenced agin givin us sich appropriashens ez we desire, and payin the Southern war debt, and perishuniu Southern soljers. It Is by sich stupenjus lies that the Radl- kels hope to elect a President in 1880. Neither will the subsidized Radikel press give the troo reasons, or ruther the philosophy, uv our ackshen in this matter. The fact Is, we did not deny the rite uv the nigger to vote. No sich thought ever entered our heads. We desired em to ^vote. We went into 264 The NASBr Letters. ther settlements and implored em, ez they loved Kentucky, to come ant deposit ther ballots like freemen. "We reminded em that many uv em he* the best blood uv Kentucky In ther v.ines, that ther wuz those among era who cood proudly point to the Bascoms, Gavitts and Pograms ez thej ancestors. We askt em to jine us In an effort to save the South fron] hoomiliashen, by sendln up a clean Dimecratic delegashun, and by sich ma' jorities ez wood teech the vandal North that the state wuz a yoonit agii) ther unholy skeems uv subjoogashen. I We reminded em that they hed a ^ ekal interest with us In prookoorit] approprishuns. "It is troo," we sed to era, "that you will not hev con, trax on the ship canal, or on the cu.stom house at the Corners, nor will yoo be'penshund for servis in the Confedrit army, but the money will come here, and ez yoo furnish all th? pervishens, we not bein fond uv labor, it will git around to yoo in time." And we reminded em uv a great many more things. They come to the polls on our invitashen four hundred and ninety one, wich wuz a majority. They come unarmed, save with that weapor| wich is firmer set and stronger than the bayonet, the ballot. To our hor- ror we disklvered that every last one uv the black cusses hed Republikii tickets and perposed to vote em! Uv course this woodn't do. We wantid em to exercise the rite uv suf- frage, but they must exercise Itez we wantid em to. We closed the poles Immejitly, till we cobd hasten home and git oui shot-guns and revolvers. Then we opened the poles agin and remon-| strated with em agin this outrage. We felt that we wuz bein coerced Intc permittin a unholy radikel majority at the Corners, wich hez alluz bir Dimekratic, and wich shel alluz be. We told em they shood vote, bu| they must vote the Dimekratic tikkit like free men. Ef they felt the/ coodn't do that they hed better not inflame the Corners and pervoke blooc by staying around the poles. One uv em demandid the rite to vote ez he pleased, when Issakei Gavitt, wich is naturally quick, blew the top uv his head off with a charge uv buckshot. Hevin tastid blood, a general battoo ensued, ir wich ninety-two uv em wuz killed, and the rest took to tjieir heels and refoozed to vote. * This is all ther wuz in the matter. Possibly ther wuz more uv era killed than wuz strickly necesary. Possibly killin fifty, or perhaps twenty! five wood hev ansered the purpis jlst ez well. Ef so, we are sorry ana are willin to apologize to the friends uv the deceast. We desire alluz tc do the proper and manly thing. ■ But when we are asked to permit a Kepublikin majority at the Cor-I ners, we say no! and we alluz say it at the muzzle uv a shot-gun, el net is be, th'o we hed ruther not. We wood much prefer that the misgided men wood lisen to reeson and come Into the Dimekratic fold by peaoefu meens, but come they must, of sdffer the consekences. Why look at it. Without hevin a solid South how kin we sekoor th( speshl appropriashenss wich we must hev? How kin we drive the Nortl Into the payment uv our debt, and the penshunin uv our soljers? Howkli we elect the next President, and run the government in the interest u-^ the South? With a divided delegashun it wood be Impossible. Let th( North think uv our necessities, and we are shoor they will approve ouJ ackshen. I I do not know that this simple statement will hev any efCeck upon th( The Nasby Letters. 265 besotted Northern press, but it Is al we kin do. Ef we are to bo made to suffer for protectin ourselves, the.^ so it must be. We at least will die lilte heroes. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Statesman (Shot Gun). MK. JSTASBY HAS AN INVESTIGATION OP HIS OWN. Confedrit X Roads, (Wlch is in the State uv Kentucky). Dec. 23, 1878. I dont want no Senatorial committee down here. I don't want nobody pryin around bringin niggers up to testify ez to wat they know about eleckshuns, and votin and sich. Niggers is prejudist, and their mental vishuns is distorted. They don't understand polytix, and hev very dim and confoosed notions of relijun. Ther ain't a nigger neer the Corners wich don't firmly bleeve that the Fifteenth amendment meens that they shel hev the rite to vote, unfettered and unhampered, and that they hev the rite to vote ez they please. They can't be made to understand that the Booperior intelligence that lays mostly around Bascom's wuz designed by Providence to guide and direct em, and that they ought to be thankful that it is here to keer for em. To put niggers onto the stand for examinashen is to convict ourselves. Ther ain't ez many uv us to swear ez there wuz the mornin uv the eleck- ^hun, but there is 'enuff. That the country shel hev the troo inwardnis uv wat did reely happen eleckshun day, I hev alreddy held an examinashun, and here it is: Issaker Gavitt sworn: — Was present at the poles last eleckshun day, and hed votid. Come without my double-barreled sljot-gun, for did not antissipate trouble uv any kind. Hed understood that the niggers hed all agreed to vote the strate Dimekratlo tikket, in wich case wood ez soon they wood vote ez not. Ruther encouraged em. Remember acceptin ah in-vltashun to take suthin with one uv em, and wood hev acceptid invila- shuns with all uv em. Am fast losln the prejoodis wich every white man hez agin color. Hev got so that 1 kin tolerate a. nigger, with money, ef he is liberal. Two uv em hed votid (them wuz the two Republikin tikkits vich wuz found in the box) when we diskivered that every one uv em hed Republikin tikkits instid uv Dimekratlc, and that they perposed to vote em. Felt naterally enraged. Dashed the niggers away from the win- der and hed the poles closed. Rushed home and got my shot-gun, ez did Deekin Pogram, Capt. McPelter and the rest uv us. Immejitly notified the niggers that this kind uv thing wooden't do, and that while we desired ' era to exercise ther rites, they must exercise em in accordance with the ijees uv the dominant race, and nothin else. Otherwise they cooOent ex- ercise em. Ther wuz some trouble wich resulted in the kilUn uv perhaps seventy uv em. Can't state exactly how many wuz killed, ez -Jje didn't count em. Bleeves In President Hayes, espeshelly sence the appintment uv Mos- by ez consul to Hong Kong. Thinks it wood be a great measure uv pasi- flcashen ef he (CJavitt) cood be appinted to suthin. Deekin Pogram testified to about the same thing that Issaker did. Wuz ,willin that the niggers shood vote ef they cood only vote the Dime- kratlc tikket. Hed overcome the prejoodis every Cawcashun wuz bound to hev agin the inferior race, but shood insist, alluz, that the' inferior race shood be guided and directed by the sooperior. Ef the sooperior race wants to vote the Dimekratlc tikkit, the inferior must do likewise, and so 26b The Nasby Letters. on. otherwise we can't let em vote. We shel Insist on hevin em countid in when we make up our Congressional representashun, but we must control their votes. Olherwisa the bloatid North wood hev the bulge on us. Approves the President's policy, espeshelly his applnlment uv Mosby ez minister, or watever it is, to Hong Kong.^ Nothin so eon- Biliates the Southern mind ez an appintment. Would like to hev it tried on hisself. Col. McPelter testified to shootin perhaps seven or eight uv em. Sleeved he wuz justified, and appeeled to the Northern sense uv rite. Hed the niggers votid the Republikin tikkit, it wood hev bothered us to elect the Dimocratic tikkit, suthin that the Comers alluz hed done, and alluz expectid to do. Coodent and woodent stand innova shuns. Ef the niggers want to vote, let em vote rite, and ther will be no objeckhuns to it. Other- wise we can't permit it. I didn't consider it necessary to take any more testimony. But this I hed sworn to, before Bascom, who sealed it offish elly with the end uv a whisky glass, and I shel forrerd it to Blane. I hope it will hev proper effeck. I hope the North will see thet we desire to recognize the amend- ments, and that we are willin to go jist ez fur ez possible. We must, how- ever, preserve the Integrity uv the old Dimekratic party, and must retane our majorlLic-s. When this is understood, ther will be no more trouble. When the nigger gits into the proper frame uv mirfd uv votin ez we want him to, all the bother will end, anr ther will be that espeshel kind uv peece that we desire. Otherwise ther will be more worry and more trubble. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Statesman (Shot Gun). EES-UMPTION AT THE COENERS. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky). Jan. 2, 1879. At last the blow hez fallen. The infamous Sherman hez forced re- si.mpshun upon a long-sufferin people wich hez bin in the merciless grasp uv the men they borrowed money uv, wich means, to us, finanshel rooin. He hez refoosed us more money — he hez turned a deef ear to our appeals for onlimited greenbax, and now requires us to come down to a gold basis and do biznis as we did In the slow times afore the late onpleasantnis. Ther wuz a feelin uv depreshn at the Corners wich wuz painful. The Deekin, that sweet old saint, stood over the bar at Bascom's, his time-en- feebled hand graspin a glass uv likker, supported on either side by Capt. McPelter and Issaker Gavitt, each uv em al30 gra-spin a glass uv likker. "Resumpshen is upon us," sed the Deekin, sighing pitifully, "and we shel hev to pay gold to the graspin bondholders. Wher is it to end?" And then we desided to hold a meetin to wunst, and,at leest, protest agin this infamus perceedin, with the faint hope that the powers at Washington mite heed the groans uv an opprest people and let up on em. Akkordinly the horn wuz tooted, and in fifteen minits we hed a gatherin uv the faithful within them time-honored walls. The people uv the Cor- ners hev plenty uv time to attend meetins, and they are also the most ac- complished p£,ssers uv resolooshens that I know uv. After lamentin the deprest condishn uv biznis, consekent upon con- trakshen, and the utter and entire' rooin that must follow the compellin uv us to get down to a gold basis, the foUerin resolooshens, prepared by me, wuz presentid by myself: The Nasbt Letters. 267 Warsaa, That feend In human shape, that tool uv the money power, ^nd that sucker uv flnanshel blood, John Sherman, sekretary uv the Treas- ury, hez persistently forced contrakshen, andhez wound up his Inlamus career b^ resoomln; and, Waraas, While the Corners wishes to doe! fairly by the nashnel cred- itors, except! In the matter uv paying the nashnel debt; and, Wareas, Bf the Cornei-s hed to pay the nashnel debt, and sich. It claims the high privilege uv makln the money It is to be paid in, so that it kill accommodate itself to sich clrcvimstanoes ez may happen to circum- stance; therefore be it Resolved, That the Corners, in the Interest uv opprest labor and lan- gishin capital, demands that the order resoomln specie payment be to wunst revoked. Resolved,, That it is the dooty uv the genral government, Instid of glttln down to a gold basis, to Ishoo money In sich quantities and uv sich a nacher that will make our lots, here in the Corners, worth wat they wuz at the close uv the war, and make em go ez quick ez they did then. Resolved, That the necessity uv the Corners is credit, and that under the system perposed by the feend Shei-man credit is simply impossibto Resolved, That we want a flnanshel system that will enable us to bor- row ?5,000 on an acre lot, the vally uv the money beln uv no akkount so that it will buy likker. Resolved, That the general government, instid uv resoomin speshe payment and eompellin us to exchange our greenbax for gold, with the Intenshun uv retirin our greenbax, and thereby contractin the voUum uv currency, shood keep our greenbax afloat and add to -them the gold in clrkelasheri, thus expandln the currency, and givin the Corners plenty uv capitle with wich to develop its resources. Resolved, That every citizen here present does sollumly protest agin beln compelled to take gold for his greenbax, and hereby enters his pro- test agin the nefarious skeem, ez beln in the sole Interest uv the bloatid bond-holders uv the East, and agin the horny-handed toilers uv the "West. I wuz about puttln the resolooshens onto their passage, when Joe Bigler arose. That cuss is pizen, and always turns up at the wrong place. "I wood sejest," sed Josef, "that we may be goin too fast. Possibly re- Bumpshen is a mere matter uv form and hez no substance into it. I kin understand bow Secretary Sherman may advertise to pay out gold for legle tenders, in Washinton, without forcln it onto the rest uv the kentry. Suppose we put the matter to a test. I wood sejest, therefore, that some one uv the groanin capitalists in this house take a dollar legle tender note, and go over to the nashnel bank and demand gold for it, and see whether they hev been Instructed to pay it." The proposishen seemed to me to be a fair one, and I called upon some one to go over and try the experiment. Ther wuz a awkerd pause. Every member uv the meetin went through the form uv feelin through his close. But to my intense disgust, th.er wiizn't a dollar in the house- not a dollar! "I pity yoo victims uv a false flnanshel pollsy from the bottom uv my heart," sed Josef, sneerinly. "Too hev so much to do with it. It must worry a man to be compelled to pay in gold, when he never pays in nuthin. It must hurt a man to. hev to receeve gold for paper, when he hain't got no paper. Parson, let us put them resolooshens and pass em." Uv course, after this hoomlliatin disclosure there wuzn't no yoose in passin the resolooshens, and the meetin adjourned sadly, and re-assembled at Bascom's. But we are jist ez much opposed to speshe resumpsnen ez ever, for all tiiat. PETROLEUM V. NASBT. Finanseer. 268 Thk OKasbt Jjetters. ME. NASBT INDULGES IN A PEOLONGED GEOWL. Confedrit X Roafls, (Wich is in the State uv KTentucky). Jan. 18, 1879. : This world is one of disappointments, and woe, and troubles, and sich Ef Adam when he et the apple and brot sin Into the world intended t( make his descendants mizable, he did a cleen job, sure. He coodent hei improved upon it, so fur ez the Corners is concerned. Resumpshen is a fixed fact, and before the Comers reccivered from thi prostrashen that event caused, there comes to us the terrible nooze tha Conklin hez bin renominated for Senator in Noo Tork, and Butcher Loj gan, in lUinoy. That finishes it. These men are both haters uy the Sun ny South, are both upholders uv the heresy that a man wiol bleeved in secession and sich ain't precisely the mai to be trusted with reorganizing the country, and they are indeliblj fixed agin payin the Southern war debt and penshunin the Southen soljers. Why" coodent the Republiklns uv Illlnoy and Noo Tork heiv eonsiliated us: Why coodent they hev nominated men wich wood hev considered the con dishn uv the South, and bin willin to do suthin toward extingishin thi flame that is smolderin all over the South,, and is liable at any minnit t( bust out into a, conflagrashen, the cohsekences uv wich no one kii foresee? Wat chance hez the South for restorln her desprit forohoons by levee In the Misslsssip, and the trlbootary streems, with sich men in the Senit? Wat chance hez the South for gittin back the cost uv the propert3 . destroyed by the Fedrel soljers, with Logan, a Fedrel genral, and Conk! lin, a persekooter. In the upper house? Wat chance hez our Southern braves wich served under Johnson anc Hood for penshuns out uv the Fedrel treasury with sich men ez these Ii high posishen? These two men are Irritants. They are to the Suthern heart wat i mustard plaster Is to the Suthern body. I hev red Conklln's speeches, anc I never did like em. He wuz a, Ablishnlst, a war man and a persekooter I hev seed Logan. I saw him on a hoss when I wuz a member uv thi Looisiana Pelikins. I saw him every time I looked back, and I don'1 want no more uv him. Ef the North wants us to be satisfied, to remani quiet under our oppresshuns, they dor.'t want to send sich men to thf Senit. It's a Insult to the South, and will prolong the bitternis wich ii not yit eradicatid. Do the Republiklns uv Illinoy and NoQ Tork comprehend how this af fex the Corners? Do they know that Deekin Pogram hed twelve bosses taken by Johr Morgan, wich wuz In consekence uv the Corners being invadid by Fed erel troops, while he (Deekin) was sutlerizlng In a Confedrit regiment, anc cood not be at home to pertect his property? Do they know that Col. McPelter, while riskin his life with Forres! at Fort Filler, lost his distillery, with its contents, by its occupancy by i ifedrel regiment ? Do they know that the advance uv the Federels upon the oountn about the Corners concentralld a large force uv Cohfedrits here, wicl oleened out every hen-coop and pig-pen for miles around? ';> ~ The Nabbt Lbtties. ~ 269 Do they know that after the Confedrlts' force wuz here a week there wuzn't a rale within ten miles uv the Corners? Can't they understand that ef the Fedrels hedn't threatened this senkshun thet the Confedrlts wooden't hev hln sent up to pertect us, and thet our poultry, and mules, and rales, wood hev remaned with us? Who is to pay for all this property? The Confedrlts? Alas, ther ain't no sioh. Then who? Clearly, the E'edrel government whose unjustifiable movements brought destruckshun upon us. The rales went, and ez our laber wuz taken from us by the emanci- Bshun proclamaslien they hev never bin replaced, and our once smilln feelds are grown up to underbrush, except wher a nigger hez bought the land and works It. The hens wuz all killed, and there hez never bin a chickin raised here senoe. Whenever a chicken pot-pie graces the board uv an old citizen It is a dead sure thing that that citizen wuz out huntin the nite afore, in the nigger settlement at Liberty vlUe. Nothin but the Inoggerashun uv a system uv improvements by the Federel government, and the Ishooln uv flat money to pay for em will ever restore the Corners to her original prosperity. Our people are par- alyzed, and hev no hope. Hed Noo York and Illinoy electld Republikins uv the conslUatory style we shood hev plucked up courage and tried to git through, till they oood hev hed a chance to give us releef. But with Conklin and Logan we feel that all is lost, and we shel try to do nothin. A sadder congre- gashun than we hed in Bascom's last nite I never seed. We wuz all Bpeechlis, and the few drinks that wuz ordered was done by signs. I wood turn Republikin myself, but it won't do. I tried it once and neerly famished. The Republikins don't drink, and the Dlmocrisy wloh does drink ain't got no money to .pay for anything more than they want theirselvea. And so, between the two, I go about ez dry as a lime^klln, and spittln cotton all the time. And on the top uv this the radlkels dash our risin hopes by electin Conklin and Logan, kuowin that them men is not consiliatory, but quite the reverse. I am willin to welcome death now, at any time. The grim destroyer can't come any too soon, for life hez nothin left for me. PETBOLBUM V. NASBY, (Dlsgustid), ME. NASBY BECOMES INDIGNANT. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jan. 27, 1879. The perverseness uv some men is beyond all human calkaJashun, and the misforchoons uv the Dlmocrisy is suthin wich nothin short uv infinity kin calkelate upon. Ther ain't no discipline in the party, but it seems on the contrary ez tho every man uv em, from the highest officer down to the lowest privit in the ranks, wuz a, fitin on his own hook. Ther wuz a bill interdoost into Congris remooneratin a Kentuckian,, named Mitchell, fur cotton seized by Linkin's hirelins, and the proceeds uv wich went into the Fedrel treasury and wuz yoosed to crush' the South In its holy struggle for Its rites. It wuz a very simple case. Mitchell went South at the beginning uv the unholy croosade. He hed a pass or suthin from a Fedrel general to 270 „ The Nasbt LETiEas. t go South, but when he got there he preferred to stay, and he did stay for three years. Bein. a troo Kentucklan, Mitchell went Into the Confedrit servis, ez a commissary or suthln uv the sort. That he wua a troo friend uv the South Is evidenced by the fact that he came baclc alive and wuzn't hung to the neerest tree. Doorin his absence his cotton wuz remorselessly seezed by Llnkiii'a feends, and conflscatid. After the South wuz crushed, Mr. Mitchell's wealth bein mostly in Confedrit. money, he bethought himself uv the cotton. I don't know huw much cotton wuz taken, nor is it necessary thet I shood know. I only know that he put in a, claim for $128,000, enufC to enable him to live in con- siderable comfort, and smooth his pathway to the silent toom. That wuz all ther wuz about it. It wuz a case wich appeeled to every Dim- ocrat, and it ought to hev gone through the House with a whoop, ez the begSnnin uv consiliashen. But before it cum to a vote, a Dimekrat named Bragg, of Wisconsin, made a incendiary speech agin it, and to add insult to injo'ory he gave the sufErin South notis that sich claims wood be resistld by the Dimocrlsy uv the North, and that ther wood be no earthly yoose in Interdoosin sich hills. Let me ask Mr. Bragg wat he means? Is he a Dimekrat and does he comprehend the hull dooty uv a Dimekrat? Wat wuz he ele'ctid fur? Wat rite hez he to hold a, seat in Congrls, ez a Dimekrat, and cast his vote agin Dimekratic measures? He is insubordinit. He hezn't the iremotist Idee uv wat his dooty really is. Wat did the South cum back into the Yoonj'un fur? He sez it will be the enterin wedge for sich apprOpriashens, till the treasury is bankrupt. Sposn it is? Doesn't Mr. Bragg understand that rite here in the Corners we hev clames agin the gineral government for more than twice the amount uv Mitchell's beggarly demand? Why, Dee- kin Pogram lost twelve mules, and all his fences, and Capt. McPelter his distillery with its preshus contence. Issaker Gavitt sez he lost suthin, and ther ain't a citizen uv the Corners but wich diskivered he hed bin impoverished by the bloo-kotid hirelins, the very minit It wuz diskivered that ther wuz a prospeck uv a Dimekratic House and a Senit, and conse- kent payment uv these claims. The efCeck on the Corners uv this prospeck uv payment wuz instan- taneous and strikln. Ther revived In our breasts a feelin uv devoshim to the old flag wich we hedn't felt for yeers. Ther wuz an Immejit longin to see its folds floatin everywhere, and expreshuns begun to be heerd that perhaps the South hed made a mistake, and that the old flag wuz good enuff for us. And wat wuz better, jist the second that the payment uv these claims wuz considered a. shoor thing, Bascom re-established the credit system, and in the most generus manner put down oti his slate jist ez many drinks ez we ordered. When a citizen sed, "Put It down, Bas- com," his inquiry wuz: "Hev yoo a clame agin the government?" and ez the anser alluz wuz: "Certinly — mules," he put it down cheerful and smilin. Do yoo know, Mr. Bragg, wat yoor insenjary speech hez dun? It hes crushed out yooyunism here, entirely. It hez revived the old feelin u\ animosity to the Fedrel government, and revived the smolderin disoonteul that wuz well nigh extinguished. The citizens murmur: "Then the gov The J^ASBr Letters. 271 ernment ain't goln to pay me for my mules? D— n the government!" Issaker Gavitt sez that ef Bragg, uv Wisconsin, succeeds in blockin the payment to him fur the mules that John Morgan took, the hopes uv the South for a. free government are forever dashed, and that freedom may ez well commence her shreek. The reedin uv Mr. Bragg's speech hez plunged the Corners into gloom from wich It will take months to arouse it. Biznis is deprest, and there is genral stagnation. Bascom refoosed credit at his bar, to-wunst, and we hev to depend on chance commershe! travelers from Looisville for wat refreshers we git. We sit and sit afore his Are, and wonder ef the time will ever come when supplies will be regler, and the worm that dieth not In our stummicks will ever be sufflshently satiated. All this w.e owe to Bragg, uv Wisconsin. I never want to see a Dlmekrat electid from a state like Wisconsin. They ain't half baked. Wat Bragg shood hev done wuz to vote for that clame, and take defeet, when he came up for re-eleokshun, like a man, trustin the next Dimekratic President, wich will be under Suthern con- trole, to give him a forrun mishun. Such Dlmekrats must be red out uv the party. We didn't come back into the Toonyun to play the second fiddle to the North. Uv the Radi- kels North we expect opposishun, but uv the Dimocrisy uv the North, sub- mishn. Nothin less will anser. The Braggs must either git into their old places, or go out among the Ablishnists, wher ther is weepin and wailin and gnashin uv teeth. The cardinal principles uv the Suthern Dimocrisy is: 1. Payment uv all clames that any Confedrit may md,ke on the ginral guvemment for property yoosed up doorin the struggle. 2. Penshunin Suthern soljers, Incloodin even sich ez wood like to hev gone into the servis, but didn't. 3. A comperhensive system uv Internal improvements wich wood in- clood a custom house at the Corners, and the slack-watrin uv Sucker Crik. Ef Mr. Bragg can't support these trooly consiliatory measures, the sooner he gits out uv the party the better. We want no sich in our ranks. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Dlmekrat. ME. ISASBY OJSr THE CIPHER DISPATCHES. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky). Feb. 11, 1S79. Ther is no limit to the crooelty uv the Ablishen managers, nun wat- ever. Not content with perventin that gllelis reformer. Saml. J. Tllden, from buyin the Presidency.^they are doin their level best to fasten the attempt onto him, and to destroy his chances for an\)ther effort in 1880. Wat do these men mean? Don't they know that Saml. j. is a quiet, gllelis old man, who wuz brought out for the Presidency solely becoz uv his many virchoos, and that it wuz sorely agin his will that he wuz nominatld at all? Don't they know that doorin that long and hotly con- tested campane he lay ez quiet ez a mouse at his neat but not gaudy home in Gramercy park, Noo York, payin no attenshun watever to wat wuz goln on, but perfeckly content with watever verdick the people shood firing in? Don't they know that he knows nothin watever uv politikle management, but that his interests wuz put into the hands uv his friends, who did jist watever they pleased, and that he never knowd nothin wat- 272 The Nasbt Letters. ever about it, till the votes wuz countid out, and that he never even so much ez looked at a noosepaper'doorin the progress uv the battle? The people don't understand Saml. J. Tilden, and they do him a In- joory. He is no manager and no politishen. He is too warm-bloodid, too impulsive, and too innocent for the devious ways uv modern poUytix. But this isn't generally knowd. His innocence is the co^ uv all his troubles. Hevin okkepied prominent posishuns, wich hev come to him entirely unso- lissltid, and becoz uv his strikt integrity, he is surroundid by a gang uv unsoroopulus men, virho yoose him for ther own purposes. He hez a nefew —a man named Pelton— who trades onto his uncle's welKknown caracter, and who gits him into all sorts uv trubbles. It wuz Pelton who did all the ralerode wreckin that wuz charged to Tilden's account, and it wuz- Pelton who wuz the cheef spirit uv the Tweed ring, and ho made all the money out uv it. It uzn't Tilden at all, and nobody ever sposed it wuz who knowd the good old man. In this matter he is in the same fix. When Looisiany, Floridy and Or- egon wuz in doubt, the gilelis Tilden sed to hisself, "It is well. Ef them states want to vote for Hayes, all rite. I am merely the servant uv the people, and wat is their will I must be satisfied with. It is all one to me. I may not be President, but I hev an approvin conshence," andlie saddled his hoss and rode out in Central Park, smilin like the innocent man he is. But this wicked Pelton, and the still wickeder Marble, mizzable men that they are to thus trade on the inncsence uv this unsoflstakatid old man, they went to Florida and Oregon, and Looisiana and South Carolina, and they offered large sums uv money to buy the electral votes uv them states. They never let the gilelis Tilden know nuthin about it, for they knowd that ef it wuz ever breathed to him he wood stop it at once, and probably cut em all out uv his will. They knowd the integrity uv the old gentleman so well that they were mighty keerful to keep all knowl- edge uv It from him. They hev done all that they kin In the matter to set Mr. Tilden riftht, and the public ought to be satisfied with It. The biznis wuz»all done in his parlor, but without his knowledge. While they wuz arrangin the detales he wuz bizzy readin his noosepaper and attendin to his other biznis; when the buyin up uv the Florida board wuz discussed at his breakfast table he was engaged in breakin a soft- biled egg, and never heerd a word uv it. They didn't even dare to ask the gilelis old man for money to carry out ther nefarious skeem, wich wood hev shocked , him hed he knowd uv it. They simply askt him for a check for $200,000, and the innosent old man give it to em without dreamln uv the wickid purpus they wuz to yoose it for. They telegraphed backerd and foierds for months, but the innosent Tilden never knowd nothin about it, tho he paid tVe bills with money wich he sposed wuz goin for oharity and slch. That this is troo nobody hez any rite to question. Mr. Tilden sez It Is troo, and so does Pelton and Marble. They both testify that the old man didn't know nothin about the buyin uv the electoral votes, and that ef he hed knowd It he wood hev stopped it. I make no doubt that John Morrisey, wuz he alive, wood tes- tify to the same thing, and swear to it, on a faro lay-out, wich is why I am sorry that eminent statesman and gambler is dead. His testimony wood be valuable now, to inspire confidence in wat Tilden swears to. My testimony in this matter ought to hev weight, for I hev no reason to like Mr. Tilden. I kin never forget that in the St. Louis convenshii^ii The ]!fASBT Letters. 27f. wioh nominated him, I only got. $400 for my rote for him, wich lie ashoored me wuz the highest hf> wuz payin, when I subsequently aacer- taned, when it wuz everlastinly too late, that he hed paid ez high ez $2,400 to delegates uv no n:ore importance than myself. Nor kin I forgit the brootal anser he made to an appeel for money, that it wuz no yoose to put money into Kentucky wich wuz shoor to go for him anyhow, and that he needed all he had for Noo York, wher votes hed to be hed, and wher they cost money. Sityooated ez I am with hira, my testimony shood be reseeved ez amountln to suthln. Ez badly ez he yoosed me, I want him nominated in 18S0, and hence I deperoate these assaults onto him. I shel know better then than I did the last time. Ef ther is enufC left uv him to make a candidate, he will hev to hev votes, and he will hev to git em ez he did afore, by buyin uv em. He won't fool me with any $400 the next time. I shel know my vally, and" the extent uv his meens too well for that. The next time he will hev to pay me wat I am wuth, and ef I don' t^ git enuff to keep me till he comes up for re-nominashen agin, I am mistaken. • But this persekooshun ouglit to stop and must. Mr. Tilden ought not to be made to bear the burdens uv his unscrupulous followers. The wick- edness uv a Pelton ought not to be made to obscure the troo goodnis uv a Tilden. The good old man sez he didn't know nothin about the attempt to buy the electral votes, and the Amerikin people must take his word. They hev no rite to crush an innoseiit old man, wich hez bin made the prey uv unscrupulous men wich he is so un-, fortunlt ez to hev about him. Besides I like his style. I want him for a. candidate in 1880. He hez made ez much money since his fust run ez he spent, and will pay jist ez much for the place now ez he did then. He is the favortt uv the Croas-Roads. PETROLEUM "V. NASBY, Champion uv Innosense. MK. NASBY DEFENDS ME. TILDEN. Confedrlt X Roads, fWich Is in the State uv Kentucky). Feb. 24, 1879. The Republican persekooters wich is on the track uv that martyrd innosent, Samuel J. Tilden, are dooin a most onnecessarily crooel thing. That poor old man hez suffered enuffl by bein deprived uv the offls to wich he wuz electld by votes wich he hed bought and paid for, without be- in houndid in this villainous manner. To hold that Mr. Samuel J. Tilden knowd anything about them cipher dispatches Is to hold him up ez a man capable uv takin a posishen irrege- lerly prokoored. Samtlel is not a man uv that kind. I kin aver that Sam- mel J. Tilden didn't know nothin about em. I wuz at Tilden's house at the very day Pelton and Marble wuz ther arrangin to see that the Presidency wuzn't taken ty frod by Hayes. We hed bin consultin on the sltuashen, wich we considered frot with danger. It wuz a orltlkle period in the history uv the guvemment. Here wuz Til- den eleotid, ez we bleeved, and here wuz returnin boards holdin out for money. Uv course, bein a just man, I won't say the Republlkin usurpers hed offered em money to hold stedfast, but It wuz very plain that they woodent come over to us without money, and a good deal uv it. Pelton, Marble and the old gentleman hed bin In oonsultashen before I got In; in fact, the oonsultashen wuz over. Pelton and Marble hed ther 274 The Nasby Lltters. carplt-iaga packed, and a kerridge was at the door to take em to the train. ' "Good-bye, nevew, g-ood-bye, my stedfast frend, Marble," sed Tilden, cheerfully. "I don't know wat yoo are a goln to Floridy and South iCer- liny for, but may success attend yoor efforts, watever they may be." And he winked a solium wink with his left eye. "Unkle," sed Pelton, "uv course yoo don't know wat we are a goln for, nor yoo musn't know; yoo must keep yerself in posishun not only not to know, but to swear that yoo don't know." And nevew Pelton winked solium ly. "Nevew, trust me for that," sed Tilden, "but see that yoo don't fail, no matter wat yoor mlshn is. Success is everything in this life. To fall in anything is criminal. I taught yoo that, nevew, when yoo wuz a pulln In- fant. Wat yoo want is success." And Mr. Tilden winked still more sollumly with his rite eye. Mr. Til- den kin wink with either eye. "Never fear, unkle, never fear. All yoo hev to do is to cash sich drafts ez we shell make upon you, and you will be satisfied. We shel require a large sum — possibly two or three hundred thousand doUai'S. But no mat- ter how large, cash em, and hev confidence into us. Yoo needn't know anything about wat we mean to do, but them drafts will be drawn onto the fund from Floridy and South Kerliny." And he winked once more, this time very solium. "It is well, nevew," replied the kind and confldln old gentleman; "I hev sich confidence in yoo that I will see that yoo hev all the money yoo" want and kin yoose. I woodent take the Presidency by any questionable means, ez I hev sed a, great many times, and above all I woodent yoose any money to prokoor it, and I know yoo woodent be an ajrent in any^ Bich transacshens. Still yoo shel hev a barl full uv it, persoomin that yoo are a goln to endow skools for the ignorant freedmen with it." And he fetched another wink. "That is cur purpus, unkle, to bring the prejoodist freedman in close conjunkshen with his nateral pertecters, the Dimccrisy, and it will cost a great de3l uv money." And all three uv em winked at each other sollumly. And they departid gaily, and the result is afore the world. They didn't git the electral vote they wantid — wich Mr. Tilden didn't know nothin about — the yooserper Hayes okkepies the White House, and ther is a nigger in the postofJis at the Corners! I Insist that Mr. Tilden told the exact trooth when he said he didn't know nothin about the cipher dispatches, and that the effort to fasten guilty knowledge onto him is vilenis itself. I know it becoz I can't com- prehend how so skillful a purchaser uv men ez he hez alluz shown hlsself to ba shood hev failed ef he hed attempted it; and, second, Mr. Sammel J. Tilden sex he didn't do it, and that ought to be conclooslve. Besides all this, he is very angry with his nevew Pelton, for comper- misin him in this matter. He hez bin over two yeers gittin angry at him, but he is a man slow to wrath, in wich he is moderashen itself, ez in everything else. No onprejudist person will ever hold Mr. Tilden gilty. He wuz the vic- tim uv nevew Pel ton, wich hez alluz lid him. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Reformer. The Nasbt Lettees. 275 THE CORNERS UPON THE CHINESE QUESTION, Confedrlt X Roads, (Wlch Is In the State uv Kentucky). March 4, 1S79. A delegate uv the Antl-Chlnese A'^sosiashen uv San Francisco hez bin with us, and hez departid. He organized us into an Anti-Chinese Assbsia- Sheh, wich we did all the more redily ez the argyments he urged agin permittln the Chinese to settle among us wuz so exceedinly similar to them wich we alluz urged agin lettin the nigger hev his rites. The Cor- ners hailed em ez its nateral meat and drink, and we accepted em to- wunst, without question. The representative uv the Anti-Chinese society uv San Francisco w^uz a American citizen named O'Shaughnessy. lie wuz a flooid talker, and a statesman uv the first water. We called a meetin to reseeve him and hear hia vews, wlch wuz wat he wantid. • Mr. O'Shaughessy commenst hy saying that he cum to us ez an Ameri- kin citizen and an advocate uv the Amerilsin idee. When he left Ireland a year ago, and landld in Noo York he to wunst assoomed the highest doo- ty uv an Amerikin by votin the day after he landld, for wich he wuz re- wardid by being put on the police force uv that city. He hed a repeta- shen ez a speech-maker, and an asso iashen of Amerikins in San Fran- cisco, hedid by that troo Amerikin, D nnis Karney, sent for him, to assist them in resistin the encroachments nv the heathen Chinee, wich wuz over- whelmin the servant girls uv the Pa :ific coast, by doin washin cheaper and better than they did it. He to wunst obeyed the call. It wuz his dooty. And beside the pay for speekin wuz better than servin ez a police- man, and the work wuz much easier. Mr. O'Shaughessy wuz opposed to the Chinese for several reasons: 1. They wuz heathen and taleeved In a god wich he didn't. So terrible wuz Mr. O'Shaugnessy's emoshun when dwellin on the heathen aspeck uv the question that he told his beads, all the time, and made the sign uv the cross more than twenty times. He wood never consent that heathen Bhood rool Ameriky. Ameriky belonged to the Pope uv Rome, and not to Joss, wich he wuz Informed wuz the title uv the Chinese god. 2. They never votid. Wat kind uv a citizen is it that comes to this kentry, and never organizes clubs, and assooms the rool thereof? Ther hed never bin a instance uv a Chinaman askin for a place ez • skool commish- ner, or to be put on to the police force. No Chinaman hed ever bin an al- derman, nor hed ever asked for it. 3. They wuz a sly, underminin people. They took work wherever they eood get it, and went about doiu it, with a regelarlty and pashense that wuz dlsgustin. They never hed the manlinis to strike for higher wagis, and never sed a word about eight hour laws. He hed knowd em, in his breef experience to work twelve and fifteen hours, and never say a word. 4. They knowd nothln about the dignity uv labor. He never saw one uv em in a bar-room, complalnin uv bloatid aristocrats, and never see em at his meetins where he wuz denouncin the encroachments uv capital agin labor. They hev no sensibilities. 5. They wuz no yoose to the bar-rooms in San Francisco. The money they earn they spend in cloze and things uv that nacher, or hoard it. There is 65,000 uv em in San Francisco alone, and they take the place uv 65,000 Amerikins from Ballyough, wljh wood spend at least 50 cents a dav 276 'Thb Nasby Lembbb. each for the riatfve Amerlkln beverage, whiskey, addln that much to the revenoos uv the enlightened bar-keepers wlch sent him East. 6. Ez they don't vote, and never take no part in ward pollitix, our lib- erties is endangered by hevin em hers. Sich a mass uv heathenism (Mr. O'Shaughnessy told his beads agin) is a blotch onto Amerikln civilizashen and can't be endoored. We immejitly adopted a series uv resolooshens indorsin Mr. O'Shaugh- nessy and his mishn, and took him over to Bascom's, where he imbibed the raw likker uv the seckshun till he sunk back Into the virehus sleep^ that a great a great Amerikin organir.er only knows. He left the next mornin, feelin thet he hed done a proper work in perventin the Heathen Chinee from obtainin a, footliold onto this coniinent. I ain't eggsackly shoor tho that we did a good thing in the matter. I see great possibilities in these Chines'e. Suppose that we, the Dimocrisy, shood champion ther cause, and git eiu into our harnis! Suppose that we I'ood git em to take a part in our pollitix, and cood git em all to be Dimo- crats! Suppose that we cood yoose em ez we hev the Irish, and cood make em do our biddln ez faithfully! Suppose that we sh(5od fc-ive era the miner offlses ez we alius hev the Irish, and make em the backbone uv our organizashen! Suppose tha^ we add lo the O'Briens the Ah ssins, and build up a party on that basis! I see a lite! I see all over the kentry a Chinese party, with Joss at the hed uv It, instid uv the Pore, with unlim- itia chances uv expan-iion. I see the little brown man goin to the polls, and holdin small places, and controllin ward organizashuns, anl bein con- tidered. Every low eler.ient in the country gravitates naterally to the Dimocratio party, and why not the Chinese? We hev the Irish, the rum mills, and why not the Chinese, and the opium that they are addicted to? The Chinaman don't deserve no considerashun, for he is an idiot. Ef ho hed only knowd how much we wantid him, he wood not be in the shape he Is to-day. Ef he hed, at the beglnnin, refoosed to work and got r ate'ralized, and organized hisself Into ward committees, and made hisself 'felt into pollitix, Mr. Blane wood not hev bin opposin him. Mr. Blane wood hev bin biddin for his vote, and wood hev had him in custom housis and on the police force, and wood hev insistid onto his bein policeman and school commissishner, and wood hsv made ez much uv him ez the aver- age Irishman. But the poor cuss paid no attention to governin the coun- try, but simply went tp work and attendid to It mighty close, and conse- kently aint uv any account. It ain't to late, however. The Chinaman kin hev a chance yet. We, the Dimoorisy, want him, ef he will be reasonable. On the whole I don't agree with Mr. Blane. I am uv the oplnyun that the Chinese shood be allowed to come and to stay, that is, ef they kin be indoosed to take a part in pollytlx and act with us. Ef Wan Lee shood organize the Chinese in ' California in the interest uv the Dimocrisy, and Bhood vote the Dlmekratlc tikket, we cood organize ez big a steel ez Tweed did in Noo York with the Irish, and I cood wuiist more know wat wine tastid like, instid uv the raw whiskey I am compelled to drink here. On them condlshns I am wlUin theV shel come and stay. But ef they continyoo, ez they hev done, to grovel, and work, and take no part with us, then I shel jine Mr. Blane and Insist that they be compelled to leeve. The spectacle uv a furrlner which don't control no ward eleckshuns is dis- gustln to the Dlmekratlc mind. Ef they do as the Irish do, all right — Sf not, they must go. I won't consent to no competishn with the back-bone uv Dimocrisy. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, For or aginst the Chinese, ez the case may be. The JSasbt liBTTKas. 277 MR. NASBT GOES TO SAN PEAlSrOISOO. San Francisco, (WIch is in the State uv Californy), March 10, 1879. U's a long trip over the vast mountains and stretched out plains that la*- between Kentucky and the Pacific, but ez I hed three gallons uv Bas- cojw's wust, wlch, with occasional foragin on the other passengers to eke out my supply, I managed to git thro tollable. Ez a man hez to drink some water to wash the alkali from his throat, he kin git on with les^ likker than ez tho he wuz in his old Kentucky home, where the Inhabitants hev never yit diskivered any pertikeler yoosei for water. Immejitly on my ar- rival I went to the hed-quarters uv the Anti-Chinese Association uv the Tenth ward, and makln myself known to-wu.ist asked for informashen ana demandid how I cood be uv servis to em. Binnis O'Shaughnessy sed that he hailed me ez a sturdy helper in the great coz uv maintaining the rites uv the oppressed Amerlkin, wicli wuz bein threatened by the hordes uv leprus Chinese wlch hed ther hands al- ready on the throte uv liberty. He — Jist then the sentinel at the door sung out: "Here coiftes a Johnny," and a rush wuz made. A heathen wuz passin with two baskits uv clothes on the two ends uv a pole, acrost his shoulder. In a jiffy that heathen wuz roUin in the gutter and the close wuz divided among the assoqiashen. The Chinaman run oft yellin: "Lllish man d — d smartee — got clean shlir- tee first time in llfee." Barney M'Grath offered a resolooshen that Ameriky wuz made for Araeriklns, which Teddy O'Brien moved to amend by substitutin the word "Irishmen," for "Amerikins," wlch wuz votid down. Barney sed he hed bin a troo Amerlkin ever sence he land id, eight months ago, and he shood die one. Mr. O'Shaughnessy went on, after this episode. He sed he kept a nate and convenient likker-grooery, which wuz near the Chinese quarther. He hed bin In It ever sence he kim over two years ago, and he hed nevir seen a Chinaman cross his , durestep. They earned a great deal uv money, buti not a cint uv it goes for likker, and that wuz one reason why Amerlkin lIb-[ erties wuz threatened. Ther wuz another piece uv oppreshn. They cood \ wash and cook ez well ez any Oirish gurrl that iver kim from the ould sod. They wuz low-minded beins wha wood sooner wash and cook than starve or steal, and they hed taken the places uv more than" 30,000 Oirish gurrls in 'Frisco. These girls hed brothers to borry uv em; there wuz the church to keep up, and how cood it be done with the Chinese in the nateral places that belonged to the gurrls? "Another uv enj comin!" shouted the outside sentinel, his face beamin with delight and antisslpaslien, as he selectld a couple uv brick-bats, and hurried out uv doors. The approachln heathen wuz a mean-sperltid cuss, for the minit he see an able-bodied Amerlkin boy with a brisk, and heerd his war-cry, "Tare ah' ounsi" he run ez tho the avengin demon Wuz ahlnd him. We sekoored 'his baskit, however, but he hed delivered his washln, and we got nothin else. Wettin his lips out uv the Assosiashun bottle, Mr. O'Shaughnessy went on. The heathen wuz demoralizin — Chinese religion wuz demoralizln. For wun, he'd never hev the temple^ uv a heathen god set up in this land. 278 The Nasby Lbttees. Ruther than tolerate this, he'd bate the brains out uv ivery dog uv, em that landid on this soil. They wuz pizin on industry. The Chinese wieh wood laber 15 hours wuz not condoosive to Industry— he wuz a heathen and wuz death to religion, and he woodent adopt Amerikln customs. I never got any more uv Mr. O'Shaughnessy's views for he hed bin pullln with grate steadinls and precision at the Assosiashen's bottle, and, overcome, he settled gradually out uv his chare, and went Into that sleep wich is only perdoosed by an approving conscience and undllooted likker. iTha vice president, Mr. O'Brien, took the bottle and the chare, till nite, when we went to attend a meetin at wich Mr. Dlnnls Karney wuz to speak, and afterward we made a- raid on a. number uv Chinese laundry- men, killin perhaps a dozen, and conflscatin more clean shirts than I hed ever seen in the whole course uv my life. The next evenin I went to a meetin uv evangelical Pacific coast Chris- chens, wich met to protest agin the President's veto uv the Chinese bill. The prinsipal speeker wuz the Rev. Malchlsidek Barker, who sed that lie objectid to the Chinese on purely religious grounds. His ansestors c«ne over on the Mayflower, and wat did they come for? For wat did they brave the dangers uv the stormy deep, and settle in a Noo England cllmit, with no Boston to mitigate its terrors? It wuz to establish on this virgin sile the everlastin prinsiple uv religus ekality, to permit every man to wor- ship God accordin to the dictates uv his own conscience^ "Ceptin the Chinese!" sung out another brother. "They come to establish the equality uv man " " 'Ceptin the Chinese!" sung out another brother. The Rev. Barker got into sich trubbble that he quit speakln abruptly. A Noo Englander alluz spiles things when he gits to talkin practically. Them ez come over in the Mayflower to establish freedom uv conshence don't want to git into this movement, ontil they forgit wat their ansestors come for. In fact they want to git shet uv Plymouth Rock altogether. Another brother sot things rite, however, dodgin freedom uv conshence and sich, altogether, and opposin the Chinese simply on the ground that they wuz heathen and entirely irreligious. The President's veto wuz condemned by a standin vote, after which the doxology wuz sung, and the meetin adjourned with prayer. I called in a, little later at a meetin uv the "Librals," ez . they called theirselves, wich wantid to expel the Chinese becoz they wuz sich bigoted religionists. The speaker remarkt that they worshipped a God, jist the same ez the Presbyterians did, and observed religious forms. In this free kentry he wantid no more uv religion. The President's veto wuz con- demned by a call uv the aujence, and after singin a song in honor uv Tom Paine, the meetin adjourned. At the hall uv our assosiashen for the defence uv Amerikin liberties agin the Chinee, Mr. Dinnls Karney made a few remarks. He assertld that Ameriky wuz espeshly intendid ez the refuge uv the oppressed uv the earth, and that he wood die on the platform ruther than hev it desecratid by lepras, moon-eyed Mongolians. Mr. McPinnegan foUered sayin that he didn't know nothin about the Mongolians, but be jabers, ez an Amerikin he wood perish sooner than be contaminated by the Chinese. Afterward the assosiashen raided a few laundries, and went to ther beds happy In the conshusnls uv a dooty dun, and In the possesshn uv a dozen cleen shirts and a few women's skirts. I go into the servis uv the organisashen to-morrow, alternatin with The Nasby Letters. 279 Dennis Karney. The pay is good, and I Icin devote the entire day to the bar-rooms, organlzin. It is a deliteful callin. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Defender uv Liberty Agin the Chinese. P. S.— My frend Blane will git the vote uv Californy in the next Ke- publikin convenshun, shoor. His opposishun to the Chinese hez endeered him to every nigger-Killer on the coast. p. V. N. THE ASSOCIATION'S PROGEESS. San Francisco, (Wich is In the State uv Californy) March 20, 1879. The great work uv this noble assosiashen progresses splendidly and be- yond my wildest antisslpashens. The Irish servant girls contribit liberal- ly. My pay Is regler and liberal (ez the pay uv a reformer ought alluz to be), and I hev more shirts, and stockins, and handkerchers and sich.than I ever seed afore, tho them artikles ain't ez essenshel to me ez they air to those more accustomed to erii. I ain't a bloatid aristocrat, and consekent- ly kin git on without these superfluities, tho when they come into my posseshun I kin utilize em. I am savin the most uv em agin my return to Kentucky, when they will do to sell, to supply the actooal necessities uv life. These latter menshund articles we git entirely uv the dangerous Chi- nese. They are heavily engaged in the laundry biznis, thus takin the bred out uv the mouths uv the Irish wimmen, and ther ain't any law here agin despoilin the heathen. We stashen active and muskeler members uv the society at corners uv certin streets wher they leen in unconstraned atti- toods agin the wall uv the s'loon that okkepies the posishun, and keep their eyes out. Presently a Chinaman is seen to approach, takin a wa&hiii home, and trottin along in a deep, desinin way, plottin the downfall uv Ameriklti Instooshns. He approaches, little dreamin, ef he is a noo-comer, wat is in store for him. He little thinks that noble hearts and watchful eyes and brickbats and sich are awaiting for him, and he trots along. Sud- denly the strong hand uv an Amerikin seezes the monster by the throte, and the Amerikin war-cry, "Be Jabers!" and "Oireland to the reecoo!" Is heard. Stricken dumb with astonishment, the artful heathen sinks to his knees and prays for mercy in his outlandish gibberish. Other strrong hands seize his baskets, and breaking his bamboo pole over his head, we stalk hawtily away — with the cloze. It is a struggle between St. Patrick and Confushus — between enliteiied Chrischanity and heathenism. In the interest uv Chrischanlty we ginerally kill the heathsA-with a brick or two, and ef he hez any money we git gloriously drunk on it, thua celebratin, in a, trooly Chrischen sperit, our victory over the blind devotees uv idols and sich. The only drawback to this is, the heathen, ez a rool, hez very little money, and shirts and sox and hankerchers and sich hev becum so common — ther hevin bin a vigrous raid onto the hosts uv sin lately — ^that the s'loon keepers won't take em for drinks any more, and there is, therefore, occa- shunly a thirsty Chrischen. Barney O'Shaughnessy stated a grate trooth ylsterday. He sed it wuz providenshul that the Irish people wuz raised up to preserve Amerikin liberties. Dincis O'Hoolahan ruther spiled it. tho. bv reraarkln that the 280 The Nasby Letteks. Irish ought to hev somebody's liberties to preserve, ez they hedn't pre- served their own very mudi. "Bf we can't bate the English," sed Diuuis, "we kin bust the hay then, and that's something. Hurroo! Ould Ireland furever!" I shel stay here ez long ez ther Is a dollar In the treasury. I hev a short black pipe in the rim uv my hat, I kin smoke black plug terbacker, and I got ez full ez the best uv em on St. Patrick's day. Ez yoo will see, I hev changed my name slitely, for obvious reasons. MICHAEL CNASBT, Preserver uv Amerikin liiberties. THE EVEELASTIKGLY BOTHERSOME NEGEO. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), April 12, 1S79. We are hevin trouble with the niggers here, wich will end, the Lord above only knows where. The bother kin be statid in a. few words. Sich uv the niggers in the vicinity uv the Corners ez don't own their own land — too many uv em do — hev to leese land uv the white citizens, wich is the nateral proprietor uv the soil. Every Kentuckian hez a con- soomin desire for the welfare uv the nigger, and that the nigger lestor may be happy and contentid, he lets him hev land for, say, $10 an aki'e a year, the sed land bein wuth about that in fee simple. This may be considered exorbitant by the vnthlnkin, but it will be redily seen that a gentleman can't live and play draw poker, and bet on races on anything less. And then It must be taken Into account that the nigger wuz the sustenance uv the proud Cawcashen afore the war, and we see no reson why he shood not be the same now. And to the end that he shel not git too rich It is alluz incloodid in the leese that the nigger shel buy everything that he eats, drinks and wears uv the owner, and that his crops shel be held by him till all these ad- vances are paid. It is troo that the nigger generally comes out in debt to the proprietor several hundred dollars; but we hev never bin hard onto em. iWe hev al- luz give em the privilege uv workin out what they owed by cuttln cord- wood or gittin out ralerode ties, in the winter, wich, considerin we cood demand cash, is a conseshun. They are an ongrateful people. Deekin Pogram let one uv em hev twenty akers uv his farm, and the nigger worked It well. He made good crops uv corn and potatoes and sich, and congratulated hlsself on the prospeck uv llvin comfortable doorin the winter. When the time for set- tlement come, in the fall, the Deekin took the entire crop and demon-, Btrated to the 9ngrateful man that he wuz in debt to him egggackly $200. The nigger coodent understand it, but renewed the lease another yeer, payin pff $100 uv his det gittin out ralerode ties In the winter. This second yeer wuz a tuff one on the Deekin, ez he lost a power uv money at the Looisville races, and consekently in the fall the nigger wuz brot in debt, four hundred dollars. MIrandy Pogram kept the ac- counts. Now wat does this cussid ongrateful nigger do? Remarkin that it struck him that ef he kept on workin the Deekin's land, and worked hard and faithfully enuff, he wood, in time, owe more than the nashnel debt, he undertook to leeve for Kansas. The NasbY Letters. 281 This wuz an attempt at repudlashen, ana while a white state may properly repoodlate Its indebtednis, a, niggei' indi\ijjle kin never be per- mitted to do it. We nipt this attempt at swlndlin the Deekin In the bud. The nigger wuz notified that we must hev liis laber, to the end uv developin the resources uv the kentry, and that he must stay and labor, ez he aJluz hed done, and be content, ez he shood be. Despite this warnin, he did git away to the river, and wuz waitin for a down-bound boat, when he wuz mysteriously shot. Who did the richeous act will never be known, but It wuz sed that Issaker Gavitt wuz in that neighborhood, and that jist after the report, smoke wuz seen to Issue from the muzzle uv his trusty double-barrelled shot-gun. Ez ther ain't only one way that we kin do bisnis with this people, and ez the case I hev cited is about the regler thing, the niggers are disconten- tld generally, and a*e all desirous uv gittin away. They murmur. They say that they ain't allowed to vote, that they can't hev any skools, and that they are robbed uv ther laber, and that ther ain't no redress for* em, for the courts and sich are agin em. They can't understand that they are morally our property anyhow — that we wuz originally robbed uv em by that feend Linkln, and that we are entitled to ther labor. Wat kin they want uv skools, when the whites uv this seokshun hev got along without em? Ez for votin, that is absurd. They hevn't the Intelligence. The entire colored populashen hev bin notlHed that they can't go and must live with us, and enjoy here the blessins uv freedom. But they keep slippin oft all the time, and there is the doleful prospeck uv the ■Comers becomin a desert for want uv labor. I spose the radlkels uv the North will raise a howl agin this, but we don't keer. We hev got poseshun uv the Capital, the Northern Dimocrjsy hev resoomed their old poeishun, and we kin smile at their protestashuns. Bf we let the niggers off this easy they may consider it lucky. PETROLEUM V. NASEY, Wich wuz Postmaster, and hopes to be agin. HOW THBCOENEES TEE ATS FEEBDMEK Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky), April 22, 1879. The North Is filled with all sorts uv absurd stories uv the treatment the colored citizens are recelvin in the South, the desire bein, cleerly, to prejoodls the North agin the Suthern seckshun wich wuz crushed in" an unholy croosade agin its rites, and wich hez never recovered from the same. It is espeshly charged that the cussid nigger has no rites in the courts, and that when opposed by a proud ICantucky Cawcashen he is crowded to the wall, without the slitest chance uv his life. To show the utter non- sense uv this statement, I give a truthful report uv a case tried afore Square Pettus, justice uv the peace for our township. Simeon Claghom, ez he calls hisself now, tho he wuz a slave wunst uv that sweet and gilells saint, Deekin Pogram (wich family he resembles to a degree that made the late Mrs. Pogram Infooriated whenever she saw his mother, he hevin the glnoolne Pogram, nose), wuz a tenant uv the Deekin's, and hez bin for two yeers. He agreed to pay the Deekin $10 a veer per akre for the land, and also agreed to buy his eneire supplies uv 282'' The NAt-Bi' Letters. ] that libral and Chrischen man. At the end uv the first yeer, the Deekin took his entire crop, and brot him in debt suthin like $400, wich the nig- ger tried to work out in the winter cuttin and gettin out ralerode ties, from the Deekin's wood lot, on wich he hez lived ever sense the crooel war deprived him uv his labor. The next season the nigger found hisself In debt about $800, and he submitted the matter to Joe Bigler, wich is pizen, and Josef actin ez his attorney, come down on the innosent old ' Deekin with a demand for a bill uv items. Josef demandid that the nigger hev a. kerect account uv the grain and stuff wich he hed turned over to the Deekin, also a item- ized account uv the supplies wich the Deekin hed furnished the nigger, that it might be made manifest ez to how the account stood. The Deekin wuz enraged. "Why shood not my word be taken agin a nigger's?" he demandid. "I never wuz called upon for anything uv the kind afore. It is an outrage!" But ez Josef stood afore Squire Pettus for the full amount uv the crops wich the, Deekin hed taken, the good old man wuz forst to degrade his- self by comin into court agin a Ethiopian. It wrung his sole, but he sub- mitted, ez we all hev hed to do sence the Linkin dynasty. I helped the Deekin out. The two season's crops footid up $2,000, and I didn't pay any attention to the Deekin's books. I made out a bill charg- ing the nigger with $400 worth uv bacon, $600 worth uv flour, $400 worth uv mules, and the balance, to make his claim good, in silk dresses for his wife, and sich other goods ez sejested theirselves to a fertile imaginashen. That bill I presentid afore the Justis, wich receeved it with the grav- ity uv a grand chancellor. The good old Deekin swore to his account ez he hed it made, wich cleerly established the fact that the nigger owed him $1,200. The nigger presented another account wich brot the Deekin In debt to him suthin like $600. Joe Bigler remarked that the Deekin hed hed his sware, and that the nig- ger shood be put onto the stand to sware to his statement. I protestid. "Is a, nigger, a, inferior bein, to come intoi this court, over vjich Justis is supposed flggeratively, to be hoverln, and hev his tes- timony taken agin one uv the proud Cawcashen race?" "Square!" exclaimed the Deekin In agony, "am I, a white man, to hev a nigger brot into court to rob me? Ef my bill ain't big enuff to offset hisn and bring him in debt to me, I kin easily amend it. Don't let this gross injustis be done!" It wuz a critikle and solium moment. On the decision uv Square Pet- tus hung the fate uv Kentucky. It wuz a soopreme moment. One min- nit uv indecision, one minnit faltrin and the white race( uv Kentucky lay grovelln at the feet uv the inferior Afrikin, and we wuz Ini chanes furever. Square Pettus was, fortunitly, ekal to the emergency. Risin in his seet, and stiddying hisself at the desk in front uv him, he sed that he knowd the eyes uv Kentucky wuz onto him, and that Kentucky shood never be disappintid. "I know suthin uv this case," sed the Square, sippln a sip uv Bas- com's best, wich he hed sent over to him in a quart bottle, "afore it come into court. I immejitly antissipatid that this plaintiff wood demand to be sworn, and that on this joodlshel arena the Inferior Afrikin and the soo- perior Caweashun wood meet in final conflict. I prepared myself. I went and got a man wich cood read, and hed him go thro the statoots uv the The Nasby Letters. 283 Btate uv Kentucky, passed prior (which, ez I am Informed means before) the late unholy croosade. I found there a statoot wlch perhibits the takin uv the testimony uv a nigger in a cor.rt uv justis, wich this Is. It Is troo that the Federal yusurpashen made other laws, but a Kentuckian don't lec- ogTiize that. A Kentucky justis only recognizes Ms own state, wich Is sovren. Recosnizin only Kentucky, spittin onto an abolishn Congress, and ignorln everything else, it is the yunanimus decision uv this yere court that all Fedrel laws recognizln the rites uv the cussid Afrikin is un- constitooshnel, and that therefore his testimony cannot be admitted. I stand by my state." "But my wife never hed a silk dress, nor anythin but a caliko one," howled the nigger. 'It don't make no difference wat yoo say," replied the justis. "The Deekin, wich is u. Cawcashun, swares that yoor wife hed four silk dresses uv him, and ez yoo can't be allowed to sware at all, ther ain't no testi- mony agin hlzzen. This is a court uv law, and law is law, ez yoo will find out. Git one white man to sware that yoo never got them dresses, and 1 will- consider it." "I demand to be put on the stand," sed Joe Bigler. "The court can't admit yoor testimony, for yoo are a prejudist witnis." Josef lafCed and left the court, much to the squire's releef, wich con- tinnered : "I may say, however, that there may be no misunderstandin, that I, ez a indivijjle, and not ez a court, will shoot any white cuss that dares to come into this court and sware for a nigger." And that sturdy old Spartan cocked his double-barreled shot gun, and sot down. "I may ez well decide the case here and now," sed the square, after a moment's thought. "Verdict for the plaintiff, and the constable will im- mejitly go for the defendant and make him put up everything he's got for the costs." The bill uv costs wuz immejitly made out, and the constable rushed out to the mizrable wretch's house, and took wat furniture he hed. Now wat did this ongrateful nigger do? Despite the fact that the Deekin wantid him to keep rite along, and live in peece and quiet, and plant his little farm, and work it thro the season, and reap the harvest, that nigger got together some little money from the sale uv a- mule wich we bverlooked. It bein pastered out uv site uv the house, and started for Kansas. He utterly refoosed to stay among his friends and pertectors, preferrin to rely upon the cold mercies uv a calkilatin, , selfish Northern community, rather than trust them ez he hed bin brought up amidst. The ongratefulnis uv this people i.'i suthin beyond understandin. They don't know when they are well enufC off, and they never did know who their friends wuz. I shall never attempt to do nuthin more for em. They don't appreshate us. Over a hundre,d uv em hev left already, leavin us without laber, and more wood go, ef they cood sell their accumulashens wich they hev robbed us uv. F33TRODBUM V. NASBT, Caucashun. 284 The Nasbt Lktxers. THE COENBES ON THE aEMY BILL. Conf edrit X Roads, - (Wlch Is in the State uv Kentucky), April 29, 1879. The Corners hez more enterprise than eny other pint in the Confedracy. We are very prompt to act in political matters, for ez we never plant or reap we hev plenty uv time to devote to the kentry. The moment the army bill wuz passed we met to organize. We don't iJropose to let grass grow under our feet. The only cloud that hez hung over the Comers for all the dre iry yeers sence the war is the fear of FedraJ interference. We wuz actilly afeerd uv that, and consekently sum. three hundred niggers hev bin allowed to vote here, wich they hev done rite reglerly, and, wo is us! they hev votid the radikel ticklt with a regelarlty that is friteful. They will do so no more. Now that the baj'onits uv Fedrel mlnyuna cannot be yoosed to pertect era, we shel run things In our own way. We shel exercise our rites ez freemen, and shel not permit a, inferior race to over- awe us and pervent that free expression uv opinyun at the poles that 1« the birthright uv every Suthern citizen. We met and organized to-wunst. The foUerin resolooshens wui passed: Wareas, The exercise uv the balljt by Ignerent niggers uv Afrikin descent — Deekin Pogram askt whether all niggers wasn't uv Afrikin descent! Joe Bigler, wich wuz present, sed ef any one wood take an Inventory uv the niggers in the Corners, he wood diskiver that a great many uv ein cood clame to belong to the first families uv Kentucky, on one side at leest. But I went camly on — Is unconstitooshnel, and agin the interest uv the roolin- Cawcashun i-ace, onless the sed niggers will consent to vote ez the sooperior race dic- tates; and Wareas, The only thing that can give em the ballot is the overshad- derin inflooence uv Fedrel bayonlts; and Wareas, A Dimocratlc Congiis hez made It impossible for Fedrel bay- onlts to Interfere to preserve wat they call the peece, releevin us uv that incubus. Resolved, That the Corners do to-wunst organize itself, to the end uv preservin the purity uv tlie ballot box by excloodin all citizens uv Afrikin. descent, wich dont vote with the Di nocratic party. Resolved, To the end uv preservin. the peece, every nigger that comes with a Republikin ticket to the poles shel be allowed jlst one minit to change his tickit to a strate Dimekritic one, and ef he persists in his ne- farious designs, his hed shel be immejltly blowed off In the Interest uv peace and quiet. Resolved, That the formashen uv a speshl poleece, armed with double- barrelled shot-guns, to pervent the polushen uv the ballot box by nigger votin, shel be entrustid to Issaker Gavitt, Esq. Issaker went at it, and he hed his club enrolled to-wunst. He hez a hundred men, all uv em with shot-guns, wich will patrol the country on next election day, and any nigger that hez not a proper tikkit will either change it, or be to-wunst killed. D^el^ln Pogram contribbltid two pound* uv powder, and the rest uv the citizens showed ekal zeal and liberality. I can't be too happy over this bill. It gives us our rites agin. Bz citi- zens we kin arm ourselves and attend the poles and kill ez many radi. The Nasbt Letters. 285 kels, black and white, ez we choose, but ther can't be no armed possea cum ag-anst us to pervent It. E( we cood hev dictatid to Congris wat they shood hev passed they coodeut hiv sooted us better. Ther Is now a law agin the government barln aims at the poles, but ther ain't ho law watever agin our doin it. "We've got em, halleloojy! Ef Hayes don't veto it, we are jist in the posishen we want. Bf he does veto it, the cuss u/ every troo Southerner wich 'rallied under the stars and bars will f oiler him thro this world and the next. Bf the frodulent President Hayes don't veto this bill, the kentry may look for an increegt Diraocratic majority from this deestrik, unless these unreasonable niggers all manage to get out to Kansas. In that event we shel be ez we wood hev bin, only e£ they go in consekence uv wat they foolishly call bein deprived uv their rites, the sooperior race will be starved out In consekence uv hevin no labor, and we may hev to emigrate also. But we hope for the best. Issaker says that with his shot gun brig- ade he thinks he can compel em all to stop, ez he perposes to patrol the liver banks, and turn all uv em bac'.s who want to git away, and fcfrse em to resoom labor on sich terms ejt we shel dictate. Ther ain't nothin like organizashen. By organizashen we compel the niggers to stay with us, and also pervent em from votln. Ther is every- thing in system. The Comers Is jubilant. This army blj.1 sloves the prob- lem uv the age and we are happy. We hev the nigger by the wool, jist ez we yoost to hev him, and everything is serene. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Waitte and Hopin. A MEETING AT THE COENBRS. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), May 26, 1S79. The citizens uv the Corners hev bin profoundly moved by the sitooa- shen uv things in Washington, aii^lwt called upon to make some expres- sion uv their feelins on the topik^tfiat are now agitatln the kentry. The Corners felt called upon to express in a public manner that it rec- ognizes the result uv the late war, and desires nuthin so much ez peece and quiet; that it fully recognizes the fact that the nigger (d — n film) is free, and entitled to rites; and that the Corners is trooly loy^ to the Gov- ernment uv the Toonitid States. I called the meetin at the meetin-house, the scene uv so many demon- strations, and a committee uv ladies, headed by Mrs. Bascom, prepared it for the solium okkashun. It wuz draped with the flags uv the different Confedrit regiments wich wuz raised in this seckshun, and that the prop- er excitement mite be perdoosed, all the relics uv the war wuz brot out and displayed. Deekln Pogram's dawtor Mirandy hed on each side uv the rulpit desk the skulls uv two Federel hirelins wich her lover brot from Bull Run, illuminated with candles, wich wuz flanked by the thigh bones uv several other hirelins wich Capt. McPelter brot from AndersonvUle. The drum wich Issaker Gavitt beet at Fort Pillow wuz draped with a battle flag Simon Pettus kerried at the same victory, and other mementoes uv the great struggle for liberty uv the South wuz properly displayed. The percesslon filed 'out uv Bascom's, the men dressed in Confedrit gray, and the wimmen hevin the colors uv the Confedracy in miniatoor pinned to their left brests, hedid by a fife and drum, under the stars and bars, and playln "the Bonny Bloo Flag." 286 The Nasby LETXEas. Uv course I made the openin speech. I repelled with skom the accusa- shun that the South hed any ideo that ther wuz any feelin uv disloyalty at the Comers. The Corners wuz defected In its struggle for human rites, and the perpetooashen uv Afrikin slavery, and hevin bin defected acceptid the sitooashen. The Corners, espeshly, wile it cood never forgit how croo- elly it hed bini disappintcd in not pre ervin its hevln-born rites, wuz cz loyal ez any similar place, and desired to live in peece and harmony with ther brethren uv the North. Deekln Pogram repelled with sko -n the akkusashun that ther wuz any difference between the two races at the Comers. Here peece and quiet rains, and there hed bin no trouble. He knew uv 200 niggers wich wuz very quiet, thanks to the shot-guns uv the intrepid Gavitt and the shival- rous McPelter. And ef this wretched race persoomed to make any more trouble, ther wuz, thank hevin, still powder and buckshot In the Corners; and gallant men who never missed a nigger's head, when they drawd a bead onto it. The nigger hed learned his place, and he cood ashoor hla frends uv the North that he wood never trubble nobody, and that he cood safely be left to the guidance uv his nateral pertectors, his former mas- ters. And then he demandid. freedom uv eleckshuns. He wantid em free, ez they wuz afore the war, when the citizens uv the Corners cood hang a Ablishnist wich offered to vote, without feer uv the interferin uv Fedrel bayonits. The South must be free. The foUerin resolooshens, prepared by myself, wuz then red and adoptld : » "Wareas, Ther is in the North a feelin that the Corners Is Irritatld, and discontentid, and that ther is a feelli agin the general government, wich we feel it our dooty to allay, therefore be it Resolved, That the Corners is trooly loyal and entirely In akkord With the Fedrel government and will be alluz, pervidid It kin git its rites. Resolved, That these rites are ez toilers: 1. The payment uv Suthern war cl^es, and the penshunln uv Suthern BOljers. (Cheers.) W%-^- 2. The adopshen uv the prinsipple that the Toonyun is a Confedera- shun, not a nashun, and the akkordin uv the rite uv each state to remain in or stay out, Jist ez it pleases. 3. That the Yoonyun is a nashun for the purposls uv payin clames, pen- shuns and bildin custom housis and sich, but for no other purposls. 4. No troops shel be yoosed at the poles anywhere in the South, except on the call uv a Confedrit guvnor, the citizens uv the South bein supplied with rifles and shot guns and bein thoroly organized in White Leagues, bein amply able to take keer of thelrselves. 5. All ralerodes and canals wich the South shel decide it wants shel be tilt by the general government. It bain a nashun ez aforesed, for that purpus. 6. The harbors uv Boston and Noo York shel be filled up at the ex- pense uv the general government that the seaboard cities uv the Sunny South may hev a show for some uv tlie furrin trade uv the kentry. 7. That the nigger bein an inferior bein and only understood by us shel be left entirely to our rool and guidance. No more legislashen by the gen- eral government — wich for this purpus is not a nashen — on his akkount. 8. The wipin out uv all the legisla.shen uv the war period, the South not bein Jn Congris to give its assent, hevin a Congris uv its own at the time, and the concession on the part uv the North to the South uv the controle uv the government in full, ez it yoosed to be under Polk, Pierce and Bookannon. 9. That the tax on distillin llkker s'lel not be coUectid in the Confedrit stateSi the Yoonyun bein not a naahun for that purpus. The Kasby Letters. 287 10. The veto power shel not be yoosed, except by a Suthern President, or a Northern one eleotld by Suthern votes, wich is the same thing, it bein crooel to Iceep us out uv the controle uv the government till 1880. Resolved, That ontil these things, one and all, is done, ther kin be no harty teelin uv yoonyun, and ef ther is another fratrisldle struggle the responsibility rests with them ez denies us these, our reasonable demands. The resolooshens wuz adoptid with great cheerin, and the meetin ad- journed. On cur way back to Bascom's we burned a, nigger school house, and I beleeve a nigger or two wlch we met wuz shot. We are troo to the Yoonyun and entirely peeceful. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Loyalist. ME. NASBY AND HIS PfilENDS DISCUSS THE AEMY BILL. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), June 2, 1879. There wuz a sad meetin at Bascom's, the nite we heerd uv the E'resi- dent's veto uv the Army bill. A feelin uv gloom i)ervadid the room, and ther wuz a sadnis that wuz painfully vizable on every face. Deekin Po- gram hed succeedid in borrerin two dollars uv a Northern vagabond wich wuz prospectin the Comers with h. view uv startin a baggin mill, on Se- cesshun Crik, ajid but for that we shood hev sunk under the new trubble thet hed come upon us. The Deekin Is libral when" he hez the means, and managed to keep up, wich we did for some time, llkker bein redoosed now to five cents. Ther wuz forty drinks in that sum, to say nothin uv three rounds we got out uv Capt. McPelter, whose credit is not yit eggsaustid. "Wo shel hev a regiment at the poles here next fall," sighed the good old man, "and every cussid nigger in Libertyville will vote, jist the same ez tho they wuz troo Kentuckians." "Ain't they troo Kentuckians?" asked Josef Bigler, wich wuz present, ez he alluz is when we don't want h m. "Ain't they bom on the soil, and don't the most uv them hev the best blood uv Kentucky coursin thro ther vanes? The heft uv em are three-quarters white, and they must hev got it from Kentuckians, ez none uv their mothers ever left the state." We paid no attenshun to the ribald skofCer. "Time wuz," sed Capt. McPelter, "when we hed it in our power to keep a Yankee from votin here, to say nothin uv niggers, wich never dreemed uv sich a thing." "Ah!" sed Issaker Gavitt, his eye litin up with a momentary enthoosi- asm, "I remember in 1859, uv hangin a Yankee skool teacher who insistid on votin a, Ablishn tikkit. The tree is still standin, and alluz shel stand ez a momentum uv days forever iled." "We kin stand it," I remarkt, "for we are yoosed to bein ground down under the iron heel uv oppresshn." "Never saw any soljers at the poles here," sed Bigler. "We are yoost to bein ground down," I continyood, not heedin the in- terrupshen; "but alas fer our frends in the North! With soljers at the poles, and with the supervisor system continyood, wat will the Irish in Noo York do? Wat will the O'Briens and the O'Shaughnessys, and the hosts uv faithful Dimokrats wich vote from mornin till nite, do, when a tiranlkle government interferes with glissnin steel to prevent em? Me- tbinks I see the faithful patriot wich hez votid a dozen times langishin 2S8 . THii Kasbt Letti!k8. j In a basteel, and for wat? Oh for the days uv Tildeii and tiolmah, whefi^ the patriotic impulses uv a Irish citizen run and wuz glorified." "It is thunderin>bad," sed Joe Bigler, "to think uv a lazy patriot like Claflin only votin wunst -when Teddy O'Brien, who puts in a whole day uv it, hez to be arrestid and basteeled. It is shockin." "Wait till another Presidenshel elecshun," sed Bascom; "then the Dlm- ocrisy will git its rites. There will be no Ablishnist general in the' chare to interpose his veto, then we shel hev wat we want. The Confedrit sol- jers will hev ther penshuns, and our clames for property destroyed by the Llnkin's feends will be paid. I see a glorious prospeck!" sed Bascom, his eyes litiu up very like a prophet's. "I see Confedrit soljers comin into this bar in droves, and eech uv em payin for ther drinks jist afore takin uv em, to prevent mistakes. I see the akkounts that yoo hev bin runnin up doorin all these dark days balanced, and the money in the till. I see the credit system for drinks abolished and the Corners come back to cash on the nale, and no tick. I see — "' "Yes," sed I, being suddenly prophetised, "I see armies uv men em- ployed In dredgln out Secession Crik, to make it navigable. I see a cus- tom house ez big ez that uv Noo York agoin up in the Comers, I see the Suthem Pacific ralerode bilt, and I see a plank rode from here to Seces- slonville, with other internal Improvements, too tejus to menshun, and every one uv em at the expense uv the nashnel government, wioh for the purpose only uv Suthern improvements is a nashun. And ez the North pays about nineteen-twentieths uv the taxis, there is where we shel hev our reveng:e. The North will pay and the South will reap the benefit uv it. Little did the North know wat it wuz a. doin when it took us back." "And I see," sed Issaker Gavitt, "the South in full control uv the gov- ernment to do ez it pleases with it. I see the Northern Dimocrisy in their proper place, askin us umbly wat we want. I see a Congris uv Southern brigadeers — I see Northern Congrismen apologisin for assistin in raisin troops to conker us, and bringin forth froots meet for repentance by giv- In us everything we ask for. I see the Suthern soljer on a level with the Fedrel soljer, and a leetle ahed. I see the bloo takin orf its hat to the gray, and I see Dekorashen day in the North abolished, tho for one, bein generus, I am willin, ef they want to dekorate the graves uv ther ded, they may, ef they will do it in the nite, without any mooslc, or parade, wich Is offensive to us. I see — " "I am goin into the prophet biznls," sed Joe Bigler, "only I am. goln to prophesy bp.ckerds, wich is the safest. I see a Dimekratic party wich gpt" Into power by aksldent, and hedii't sense enuff to keep its hold. I see a Bet uv unconscionable asses in the South who supose that the North, wich eggreglously whaled us wunst, ain't Jist ez ready to do it agin. I see a. seckshun uv kentry popelated by a klass uv people wioh dont know klnd- nls and mercy when they see it, and wich mistakes clemency for cow- ardis. And to take a handspring into the futur, I see an eleckshun in Ohio this fall, wich will clene out the Dimocrisy completely and pave the way tor the eleckshun uv Grant in 1880, with a Congris behind him wich will take mity good care that the South will git jist wat she deserves and no more. I see the prinsiple uV States' rites squelched, and the old Federel Idee more firmly established than ever. I see the Corners remainin jist ez it is, onless the citizens exchange Bascom's bar for their corn-feelds, and git to considerin a skool-house ez uv more importance than a quarter race-track. I see the niggers gittin out uv here, and leevln the keutry The Nasbt Letters, 289 ■without labor, becoz the white citl?-ens hevn't got sense enuff to rec- ognize the fact that they are men, and give em the rites that blong to em. I see — but wat's the yoose. Yoo never learn anything or forglt anything." And after this depressin peece uv prophesy, Josef rolled off with the remarlc that we wood And that he wuz a troo prophet. Perhaps he is. Bu^ I got all I wantld to drink for an hour or two. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Depresst. MR. JNASBY IN WASfllNGTOJSr. Washington, (Wich is in the Beestrilc of Columby), Joon 7, 1870. It's a long time sence I trod the streets uv the Fedrel City. Ef I re- member arlte I hevn't bin here sence the saintid Johnson's time, when I reseeved from the hands uv that gllelis patriot my oommishun ez Post- master at the Cross-Roads, vlch wuz ruthlessly torn from me by that military tirant. Grant. It hez changed much, and, I thank hevih, for the better. Washington hez bin attacked by the Confedrits at two different periods. From 1861 to 1865 they failed to possess it, but ther second invashun wuz n;ore successful. They hev it now. In the Capitol wich is the nashen's pride, I see ez many military men In posseshen ez ever, but thank the Lord they ain't the same kind. The "gol-dam" uv the Northern man is heerd no more, and in its place my eers is delited with the more familyer "dog-gon" uv the Sunny South. No more is my feelins aggravatid by seein the tall man from Maine — ^the hatchet-faced Rhode Islander or the stout Pennsylvanyan in the Capitol holdiu offls. They are gone, and the swarthy Southerner fills ther places and draws their salaries. There are one-armed and one-legged Northern soljers enuffl here, but they are walkin thfr streets. They ain't In place no more, 'ceptin those wich is in the departments controlled by the mlnyuns uv Hayes, and thank Hevin, when we elect a Dimecratic President in 1880, we'll cleen em "out. Ef the Confedracy can't controle by the bullet, it will by the ballot. I wuz never more encuridged in my life. The bar room is crowded with Southern patriots, and they are now in favor. It filled my eyes with teers to reed a petition for the appointment uv a Georgia man to a position un- der the clerk uv the Senit. I've seen them petitions afore. They used to reed that the party named hed lost a leg at Gettysburg and an eye at Fair Oaks while gallantly carrying the Stars and. Stripes in defence uv the Fedrel government. They reed quite differently now. They all set forth that the petitioner lost his legs or aims or eyes, ez the case may be, in carryin the Stars and Bars in defense uv the Confedracy, and that his sacrifice for the South entitled him to recognition. I wu;5 amused at one Dlmekrat from the interior uv Injeany wich hedn't heerd uv the change.. He in a moment uv insanity forgot his party obligations and volunteered in the Fedrel army. He come on here with one leg and his honorable discharge from the servls, to get a place. He wuz sternly rebookt, and very quickly made to know that he pinted his rifle the wrong way to hope for a, place in Washington. The poslshen he wuz after wuz given to one uv the heroic men who fought at Fort Pil- low. He may git a place after sufflshent repentence, but I doubt it. I am wunst more happy. The Confederacy is a success after all. We 290 I^E Nasby Letters. shel carry Ohio this fall, and that makes a Dimekrat Presiaent in 1380. Then— but the prospeok is too gorgus to think about. Oh, how I long for the day to come! "Fly s-wlfOy round, ye wheels ut time, And bring the welcome day." PETROLEUM V. NASBT,, THE DOLEFUL HISTOKT OF CAPT. McPELTER Confedrit X Roads, (Wlch is in the State uv Kentucky), Joon 26, 1879. Capt. McPelter is on the fence. He isn't certin whether it is his dooty to go over into Ohio at the ensooin eleckshun, and repeet— for Bwing, or the actooal Nashnel ea.ndidate Piatt. He is in doubt becoz he can't make up his mind wich wood most further the grate coz uv onlimitid money, to wlch he is devotid hart and sole. Watev«r other prinsiples the captln may be shaky on, he Is ez firm ez a rock on this, and when the circum- stances uv the case is taken into akkount, I can't blame him. At the close uv the late onpleasantnls Captain McPelter wuz a rooined man. The feend Linkin hed emansipatid his niggers, wlch left hirri with?' out laber, and consekently he never raised no crops. John Morgan hed capcherd his mules, while the Captin wuz in the Confedrit army, and a tyrant government refoosed to pay him a cent for them, becoz, forsooth, a. Confedrit commander confiscatid his property, and becoz he wuz in the Confedrit servis. He wuz left with a thousand akers uv land jist out uv the village, wich wuz worth say $5 a. aker. But that land, wich wuz his rool.i, become his salvashen. The flood uv greenbax wich poured over the land irri^atid the Cross-Roads. Ez ev- erybody hed his pokkits full uv greenbax in the North they cum South to invest it. Ther wuz a, lielt-hy wildnis in the air for them ez hed land. It is troo, there wuzn't any actooal call for any more people at the Cross- Roads than wat wuz there already. Ther wuzn't no new factries started,- nor no new industries developed, wiA wood support people, and noboddy hed the dlsposishun to start new enterprises, for ther wuz so much money to be made in spekllatin in reel estate. The Captin wuz supprised one day at bein offered $10 a aker for his land. He wuz too dumb-foundid to sail, and before he rekovered he wuz offered $20, Then he opened his eyes. He saw a way to make up for his losses. He refoosed to sell, and imejitly follered the example uv them ez hed bought, and laid it .out into "McPelter's First Addishn to Confedrit Cross-Roads." He borrered money to grade streets, and to plant shade trees, to make the addishn attractive, and then he commenst to sell lots. They went off like hot cakes. Pjople wood buy em, and pay $G00 a piece, payin down $10, and grlvin a. mortgage on em for the odd $590, pay- able in one, two and three years, with interest. Then they wood turn around and sell em for $1,000, taking $20 down, with the same terms, and so on. It wuz a gorgus time. Capt. McPelter hed to buy a safe, wich he did on credit, to hold his sekoorities. That thousand akers uv land netted him neerly a quarter uv a million, and the down payments kept him in com- fort. Bein rich, Mrs. McPelter hot herself sillc dresses (on credit), and the ' Captin set up a pair uv horses and a kerrldge, wlch he hot (on credit), and ' The Nasby Letters. 291 he rebilt his house (on credit), makln it a, elegant mansion for an opulent Amerlkin gentleman. Not beln satisfied with the wealth he hed akkoomulated, in notes and mortgagis on his own land, the Captain embarkt in wider spekelashens. He went a mile or two beyond his own land, and bot all he cood buy at $1,000 a aker, and laid them out. The cows wuz turned off that land, and surveyors surveyed, warin injy rubber boots ez perteckshun agin rattle- snakes. And McPelter's Second and Third Addishun to the Cross-Roads wuz throwed into the markit. Bz it wuz with McPelter so it wuz with pretty much everybody else. The guverment wuz isshooln greenbax by the mllyun, and people speki- lated. In them days yoo ooodn't buy a rusty nale but wat yoo cood sell It next momin at a advance of 3 or 4 hundred per cent. We wuz happy, for everybody hed credit, and things wuz a boomin. But ther cum an end to it. Everybody hed lots to sell, but when the guvernment cum to begin to pay its debts, and to stop ishooin its mil- yuns a day, nobody wantid em. Deekin Pogram wantid to know uv Capt. McPelter what wuz the yoose uv askin $600 for a quarter uv an akor uv -ground, wich wuz only worth $5 a aker, onless people cum to live on it, wich they wuzn't doin to any alarmin degree. Then Sherman kept on payin the nashnel debt, ther wuzn't no yoose fur the Captih's ground for dwellin purposes, and so little by little his spekilashens went under. Them ez hed his lots on credit, didn't pay for em, but them uv whom he hed bot kerridges, hoses, and silk gowns, and sich; come down on him, and he is to-day a cleened out man. Wat Capt. McPelter demandid is a stoppage uv all this rooinous policy wich hez put his lands back Into its original status ez cow pasters. He holds the government responsible for his failyoor. He sez: "Ef the government hed kept on ishooin greenbax, several milyuns a day, and not attemptid to pay the nashnel debt at all, it wood liev bin dif- ferent. The government hez - rooined me. I wuz a sellin my cow-pasters for city lots, till the feend Sherman contractid. I demand," sez Capt. Mc- Pelter, "that the ishoo uv greenbax be immejitly resoomed. A gre^back costs the government nothln, and ef enuff uv em are ishood, my lands will agin sell for city lots. Ef enuff uv em are ishood the quarter uv a million uv mortgages wich I hold will be paid, and then — " '"And then wat?" asked Joe Bigler. "And then," resoomed the Captin, "I kin realize and retire with a com- petency." "Wich means,"- sed Josef, "that yoo will onload yoor cow pasters on the next generation uv Idiots, and git out from under in time to, save yoor- self, wich yoo wuzn't smart enufE to do the last time. Isn't that about the size uv it?" "I shood convert my sekoorities into Toonitid States bonds, I suppose." "And then," aed Josef, " 'spose the parties to wich yoo sell shood in- sist that the government shood keep on ishooin greeii-bax that they mite save theirselves by unloadin their land on the next batch uv fools, wat wood yoor Toonitid States bonds be T^uth? It kinder strikes me that ez long ez the blznis uv the Cross-Roads only demands a popelashen uv three hunderd and fifty, yoo don't actilly need city-lots for a popelashen uv a ; htnderd thousand, and that ef yoo git the hundred thousand price in a village uv three hunderd and fifty, either yoor buyers are asses, or the '292 The ^J^asby Lettees. money they pay ain't good for nothln. In the end somebody hez got to be bit, and ez the end hez got to come sometime, I don't see why this isn't ez good a time ez cood be. Too hed the benefit uv the rise— yoo dressed in purple and fine linen while it lastid, and why shoodent you take the loss uv the decline? It's easy enuff to call a cow paster city lots, but yoo hev a city somewhere in the vicinity to make em city lots, actilly. Ef yoo want to be very rich yoo kin mark up $10 land to $1,000, and con- sider yourself ez bein opulent, but yoo want to sell it for that, and git paid in suthin that will buy suthin else. Captain, yoor land is wuth jist ez much now ez it ever wuz." "Josef," sed McPelter, "you don't know nothin about finance. Ther is no reason why the government shood not print ez much money ez the vants uv the people require, and I require — " The bold Captin wood hev continyood his disquisishun, but seein the sheriff comin in the front door, with a writ on account uv the bosses and kerridge his wife hed bin rldin in, he deemed it expedient to git out the back way, ex suddin ez he' cood. I agree v.ith the Captin. Wat we want is an onlimitid ishoo uv paper money, that every man in the Corners kin git all that his wants reqwire. I don't want the government to go around and give everybody wat money he or she thinks they need, but I want it expendid on necessary works. "We want a custom house here, we want Seceshun Crik made navigable, ond we want a guverment ralerode to connect with the main line toLoois- ville, that freight on our likker may be redoost, and these improvements v,'ood be sufflshent to put two or three milyuns into cirkelashen. Ef the rest uv the South claim ez much, and git it, the voUum uv currency will be swelled to wat we reqwire, and Capt. MoPelter's lots will agin hev some valyoo. I know not wat Capt. McPelter may do, but I shel heeve my inflooence in favor uv anybody wich is in favor uv these measures, alluz incloodin the payment uv Southern clames and penshunin Southern soljers. Heviii served In the Looisiana Pelikins, I must insist on these two measures. I ruther think the good old Dimekratic party is good enuff for sich ez me. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Finanseer. THE SAD HISTOEY OP ME. SAMUEL POPMAN, DEUGGIST. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv KentuckJ-), July 1, 187^. The most intense Greenbacker we hev in the Corners is Samj^ooel Popman, the drugger at Secessionville. Popman does nothin from mornin till nite but devise finanshel skeems for the payment uv the nashnel debt, wich, ez he hezn't never bin able to pay any uv his own, he is entirely competent to do. The history uv Sam. Popman is one uv the saddest that hez grown out uv Sherman's cro6el polisy. In 1S61 Sam Popman wuz a. drugger at Se^eshunville, hevily in debt. He owed for his stock uv drugs, and he owed for the cloze his wife wore, and also for them wich adorned his person. So desprit wuz Samvooel's forchoons, in consekence uv his predilecshun for boss races and draw po- ker, and sich, that he serously contemplatid skippin to Texas, and em- barkin in the generally poplar and alius profitable biznis uv steelin bosses on the Mexikin border. The inflasheu uv the currency coasekeut upon the expenses uv the The Nasby Letters. 293 war changed Samyooel's career. He found his stock uv drugs, goln up 25 per cent a day. Jollop wich he owed for at the rate uv six cents a pound shot up to 20, to 30, to 50, to anything he chose to ask for it, and it kept shootin up and up till the little stock he hed uv $5,000 wuz wuth $50,000, and no matter wat he hot, it went up on his hands, and Samyooel found hisself wuth a $100,000 In no time. TJv course Samyooel to-wunst commenst to live In a style commensur- ate with his increesed means. He went and bilt an addlshn to his house, puttln on two wings and an extenshun back, bildin in fact completely around the old house, and puttln another story on the top. Then his wife Immejitly got two hired girls, and his two dawters wuz sent to a seminlry in Looisville. Samyooel for his own pleasure Invested In a fast trottln horse and jined the Kentucky club in Looisville, and played poker ez much ez he pleased, and he pleased to do a good deel uv it. It didn't make a partikle uv difference, for every dol- lar uv goods he hot doubled on his hands evei-y day or two. Mrs. Popman utterly refoosed to do any work uv any icind, and spent the heft uv her time tryin on dresses, wich she hot In Liooisvllle, and takin excursions to that city, to wear em. It wuz rather o. gorgas time for the Popmans. In 1873 Samyooel diskivered there wuz a change. The" war hed bin over some time, and the debt wich it hed cost hed to be paid. Samyooel didn't see sny necessity for payin it at all. Samyooel hed lived out all the profits he hed made by the raise in the valyoo uv his goods, and hed gone hevy Into reel estate. He hed hot a large amount uv lands, wich hed bin goin up Jist the same as drugs, and hed bot em all on credit. He hedn't made any down paywients, but In place uv actooal money down on his noo purchisis, he hed given mort- gagis on the property bot, and also on his house and store, and sich other real and personal property ez he hed. It worried him. Ez the kentry, under Sherman's rooinous polisy, began to git down to a gold basis, drugs begun to drop 10 per cent a day, instid uv risin 20, and reel estate commenst to f oiler drugs and sich, with frlteful accooracy. ' The land wich he hed agreed to pay $1,000 a aker for, he coodent sell for $15, owing to the fact- that nobody wantid it, and the quinine he hed paid $4 a ounce fur, dropped to $2.25. Consekently Samyooel' wuz fust to succom, and he wuz scooped. The other drugger in Secessionville wuz another kind uv a man. He acceptid the raise on his stock doorin the war period in a. Chrischen sperit uv thankfulness, and hived, very keerfully, all the money it made him. He lived in the same old house thro it all; his wife continnered, in a Clirls- chen way, to bake her own buckwheat cakes and do her own washin, and he sot his face like a flint agin fast bosses and expensive likkers. And this wuz wat worried ■ Samyooel. ' "When the turn cum, his opposishun hed plenty uv money in bank, and he marked down his goods with the same childlike and Chrischen sperit that in 1862 he marked em up. He sed to hisself. "I hed the benefit uv the rise— I will take the consekences uv the fall, blessed be the name uv the Lord," and he went right along, and con- i tinnered to do biznis and prosper while the sheriff wuz closin out Sam- yooel. The other . drugger never howled about hard times. Samyooel Popman firmly believes that he wuz destroyed by Shermaji, and I agreed with him. Hed Sherman gone on ishooin twenty milyuns uv greenbax a day, and payin em out, for bosses and mules and army pup- ■- pUes, the greenbax wood hev continnerd to go up, and so wood Samyooel's 294 The Nasbt Lettees. drug's and his out-lots. And as all Samyooel's drvgs hed to do In them halcyon days wuz to mark up the prices uv his goods every mornln, he cood hev continnered to keep his fast hoss, and Mrs. Samyooel cood hev continnered to live In Looisville, and hot satin dresses. Mr. Samyooel feels it keenly. In the time before the prosperus days he wuz contentid with sod-corn whisky and stogy segars, but his appetite got attooned to shampane and Havannas, and he finds it exceedingly diffikult to go back to the simple arcadian habits uv former times. Mrs. Samyooel hez got her hand out in cookin and sich, and she utterly refooses to go back to the habits uv the old times, and consekently ther is trubble in the Popman household. The dawters hev bin brot home from the sem- inary at Looisville, and they cast contoomely on ther father, wich hezn't meens to keep em in the luxury they hev bin for ten yeers accus- tomed to. This is only one case In a thousand here. Whene'er 1 take my walks abroad I ^ee men bustid, and leenln agin lamp-posts, moanln and wringln their hands in despair. They hev paster-lots wlch they cut up into city lots, wich are gradooally growin up Into huckleberry pasters, and won't sell for'nothin. They took to their old places uv biznis, wher they used to chirp cheerfully ez they marked up the price uv ther goods, and wher they thot nothin uv takin a ten-dollar note every day for likkef and cigars, be- coz they cood afford it, and they see other men in poseshun workin nite and day to support their families in comfort, and these men lay their rooln to Sherman, ez I do. It Is a crooel outrage. It costs the government nothin to print money, and ther is no reason why it shood not hev kep on println currency. "What is a. government for? It is for the people? Is not Samyooel Popman one uv the people? Then why shood the government cultivate a ta&te In Samyooel Popman for fast bosses and shampane, and then, jist for the sake uv payin off a debt, contract the currency and rooin him? The other drugger at SecessIonviUe remarkt that ef Samyooel hed saved the money he made by inflashun he wood hev bin safe agin the ef- fect uv contrackshun. But that hed no sense into it. Inflashun shood hev bin perpetooal. When a, temperance man sez to me that he wood like to get drunk uv a nite, only for the reackshun that follows when he gits sober, I alluz remark that the troo safe-guard agin that is never to hev no reackshun — to keep drunk all the time. The prlnsiple I foller as to llkker is the one I wood hev adoptld in finance. To avoid the reackshun that follers inflashun, I ■'.lood never stop it. Keep on Inflatin. John Sherman don't understand finance at all. "^ PKTROLEUM V. NASBY, Troo Finanseer. THE EXPEEIBJSrgB OE PETEE PEGGOTY, STOREKEEPER. Confedrit X Roads, (Wlch Is In the State uv Kentucky), July 10, 1879. I met yesterday Mr. Peter Peggoty, a merchant, .or ruther a ex-mer- chant, uv Davisville, a adjoinin village, from whom, in the halcyon days uv yore, It wuz no trouble for me watever to borrer sich sums uv money ez my wants required. I struck him wunst In 1873 for ez much ez $18.75. I alluz make It a pint to borrer odd sums, they bein Jist the amount I find necessary to meet sum obligashen. It looks bIznIs like, for ef a man sez "twenty," in round numbers, the Impresshn that he is a mere mercett- The Nasbt Letters. 295 ary borrerer, alluz obtanes, a'fjd makes the operashun more difflcult. It makes a. great difference whether you step into a man's store leisurely, and say, "Peggoty, -old feller, lend me a twenty!" or whether yoo rush in with a paper in yoor hand, and say, all out uv breath, "Mr. Peg-goty, I wuz a, passin thro and I met a man to whom I owe $1S.75, and I am extremely anxus to pay him, and I hevn't a cent about me, will yoo oblige me with that amount until I grit home?" Yoo only loose $1.25, and yoor chances uv glttin it are trebled. But this is a digreshun. I beleeve I am glttin garrulus in my old age, but then soljers lave to "sholder crutches and show how feelds wuz ■won." Mr. Peggoty commenst biznls In 1863, with no capital at all ceptln $200 wlch his wife inherited from a, aunt wich opportoonly deceest. In them days credit wuz easily prokoored. The kentry wuz prosperus. The gov- ernment wuz a payin out milyuns every day, and oats ,wuz a dollar or more, cotton wuz any price yoo chose to ask for it, wheat wuz $2.50 a bushel, and a spavined horse wuz wuth, for the army, anywhere from $200 to $400. Things wuz a boomin, ez they alluz do when currency Is onlimlted and onrestrictld. Mr. Peggoty took his $200, and went to Loois- ville, and bought a stock uv goods, and commenst store-keepln. He bot a stock uv $6,000 wuth, the odd $5,800 beln on credit, uv course. He prospered exceedinly. He cood sell ez many goods ez he wantid, for the people hed money to buy with, and his store wuz thronged from morning till nite. Money jist lolled in onto him, and he retired to bed every nite feelin that he wuz rich, and he wondered that anybody shood be poor when money wuz so easily made. Uv course Mr. Peggoty enlarged his stile uv livin suthin in akkordance with his enlarged meens. Why shood he not? He hed onllmitid credit in Looisville, his goods wuz bein markt up every day, and he bilt him a, noo house, uv course, and it need not be remarkt that it wuz furnished in the most gorgus stile. He hed a pair uv horses and a kerridge for Mrs. Peg- goty to air herself in, and his oldest son went to Harvard, and his daw- ters to a seminary in Cincinnati. Ha bilt a addishen to his new house the second season, and his stables wuz probably the most gorgus uv any In Kentucky. Mrs. Peggoty yoost to git somewhat oneasy, and wuz wont to ask how his debts wuz in Looisville, but he alluz laft at her feers. "Mlrandy," wuz his constant remark, "I owe twenty or thirty thousand dollars there — really I hevn't hed time lately to look it up— but what's the odds? Goods is goin up every day, I kin stand it." And so Mr. and Mrs. Peggoty went on spendin their money ez a gentleman and lady shood, and runnin up their indebtedness in Looisville in a proper, biznis-like way. It wuz at this period that I cood borry money uv Peggoty. "Wrood, oh wood that it cood hev continnered. John Sherman owes me a great deel uv money. He hez crooelly cut orf my supplies. Ther cum a change. The war wuz over, and the government ceesed to pay out money for spavined horses and oats to feed em. The soljers hod returned, and the plowshare wuz beeten into a prunin hook. Then came the infernal idee uv payin off the debt wich hed bin incurred, and the Infamus noshen uv resumpshen foUered clost upon its heels. The mer- chants uv Looisville came down to Davisvllle, and Shylock-llke, wantid 296 The NAtBf Letters. their money uv Peggoty. He coodent pay. "Where wuz the money yoo hev reseeved for our goods?" they demandid, and the anser wuz, the house, the furniture, the bosses, and bills for the gentlemanly-like Hvln Peggoty hed indulged in. With the rapassity uv feends they demandid and took a mortgage on- to Peggoty's house, and sich uv the goods ez he hed left, and sejestld mildly but firmly, that hereafter goods wood be sold for cash jist before delivery. The mizable plea on wioh they took this mortgage wuz that the house hed bin bilt with their property, and the furnitoor likewise. The livin wuz eternally gone. Peggoty made a, brave fight for existence, but in vane. Sherman, the finanshel boa constrictor, hed him in his fatal embrace and wuz squeezin the life out uv him. In vane did Peggoty appeal to the stun-harted sek- retary. "Keep on ishooiu money," wailed Peggoty. "Infiate the currency, and keep inflatin.till I kin git shct uv these goods, and kin fail with suthin in my wife's name. Don't broose the brokin reed. Yoo are wipin out the biznis talent uv the kentry. Hev another war, ef needs be, but anyhow, bild a custom house, and dig a ship canal here, and print green- bax to pay for em, that I may keep up my biznis, and save myself from ifnpendin rooin. Ez fast ez the custom house is bilt, and the ship canal is dug, bild more custom houses and ship canals, and keep the currency up to my wants. Too are crushin me. So long ez the currency isn't ade- kate to my wants I can't borrer a cent, and ef I hev to buy goods for cash I can't do it. Shove out the munny and save the debtor class." The cold-bloodid Sherman replied breefly. He remarked that another war mite be good enuff for the debtor class, but it wood be very bad for all other clssses, and he declined to do it. Ez to bildin the custom- houses and ship canals, he wood be glad to do it wherever custom houses and ship ct. rials wuz necessary, but ez the people wood hev to pay for em, finally, he must reely decline to tax the people any more than wuz necessary. In short, he didn't bleeve in bildin things jist for the purpose uv puttin money into cirkelashen. And then come on a lot uv correspon- dence in wich the brootal Sherman remarkt that a government, tho it wuz trooly paternal, coodent reely bolster up a man wlch started in with $200, , and who hed lived like a fitin cock for twenty yeers„ and now owed $30,000. He sed that ef Mr. Peggoty hed gone and lived jist ez he did afore the war, and hed saved the money he made by the rise uv goods, he wood be in splendid condishn to stand the fall on them, but ez he hed preferred to pat his profits into purple and fine linen he ought to be satisfied with the satisfackshen the purple and fine linen hed given him. And the Iron-' souled sekretary further remarkt that ef all the debtor class wuz jist like Mr. Peggoty, their failin wuz only a question uv time anyhow, and that it wuz jist ez good a time for em to fail ez he ever knowd, and that the biznis uv the kentry wood never be on a solid basis till they hed all gone to that finanshel bourne from wich none uv em wood ever return, till ther' wuz another war, wich he hoped wood be a long time hence. He abslootly declined to consider Mr. Peggoty's case, and went on payin the debt, and resoomin, till the sheriff came and sold Peggoty out, and the Looisville sharks, wich wantid their money, got away with at leest 20 per cent uv it. Can't any one see the Injustis this feend Sherman did Peggoty? Can't any one see that ef he hed gone on Inflatin and- expandin, Peggoty found that after a few uv era hev bin silenced, none will vencher on it. \_ 306 The Nasby Lktteks. 9. Nigger meeting houses and Sunday skools cannot be permitted ez they are the hot-beds uv radikehsm. One Methodist preacher v/ill offset the good work uv a dozen groceries. 10. Postmasters shood see to It that no radikel papers are permitted to be cirkelatid. Noosepapers Is a noosance, and ef the radikel^ are per- ventid from taken em, they will be entirely supprest in our seckshun, ez the troo Dimekrat don't take em at all. The less ncosepapsr the better Dimocrat. There are other things that mite be recommended, but ef these is fol- lowed out ther Is no doubt uv a glorious Dimekratik victory next yeer. With Tilden's barl in the North and the shot gun in the South,, we kin elect the next President. May the Lord favor us. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, Dimekratic Organizer. ME. JSTASBY ON THE SIGNS OF THE TIMES Confedrit X Roads, (Wich Is In the State uv Kentucky), October 3, 1879. -. The sines uv the times Is agin us. Dlmocrlsy hez bin thro a great deel sence I have bin a ornament to that organizashen, but it wuz never in such a cussid condishn ez now. And ylt it nevSr stood on sich a firm foundashen, and never hed so many clames upon the peple ez it hez now. It never wuz so secoorly ankered, and at no time in its histry ought it to hev fuller swing, and be glorified. Think uv it. The South, wich Is the Dimocrisy, is all safe back into the Yoonyun. We didn't want to come back, for we hed set up a con- cern uv our own. The Northern Deraocrisy acknowledged the justis uv our goin out, and assistid us to go all that they cood. Sum uv em did actooally shouder muskits to help us, and them wich didn't go theirselves did us more good by stayin at home and keepin up a fire in the rear, wich wuz better, ez them fellows woodent hev bin wuth a' cuss ez soljers any- how. At that time the Dimocrisy uv the South controlled the Dimocratlo party, and wuz the party, in fact. Owin to the perversity uv the North, we didn't go out. "We wuz whipped back, and our plans came to naught. Wat then? We consentifl to take our old place ez states in the Yoonyun, and consekently our old posishen In the Dimocratlc party, and '' the Northern Dimocrisy is, ez te- fore, merely auxiliary to us. The Dimocrisy uv the North shood realize the fact that its place is to do our biddin, and obey us in all things, hum- bly, and with the respect that they owe a sooperior race. Wat we insist upon is that the Northern Dimocrisy throw oft all dis- guise, set aside all nonsense, and come out manfully and indorse these proposishens: 1. That the war bein over and the South bein restored to its old pos- ishen, everything must ba sot back jlst where it wuz at the commence- ment uv the unfortunit difference. 2. That inasmuch ez the South is back again, and the hull biznls is set- tled, the Southern soljer must stand on the same footin with the Northern soljer, only a little more so, ez ihe Southern soljer hez not the consola- shen uv victory to brace up onto. Wat I mean is that while we admit jooth sides wuz rite (we don't beleeve it tho), the late war shel be countid ez nothin, and all soljers' wich fought, no matter under which flag, shell be countid ez soljers uv our common kentry, and be treated percisely alike. Thi! Nasby Letters. 307 8. This befn admitted, uv course the Southern soljer must be pensliuned the same ez the Northern soljer. Ez I sed before,- hevin to bear the igno- miny uv defeet, the Southern soljer shood hev a bigger penshun, biit we are magrianimus. and will be satislieil with the same. 4. Inasmuch as when a man furnished supplies to the Fedrel army he wuz paid for It, the man wlch furnis'it supplies to the Confedrit army shood be paid likewise, now that we ai-e reconciled. Likewise, when a man's property wuz destroyed by the Confedrit armies he wuz paid for It, so the property destroyed by Fedrel armies shood be paid for, down to the last fence-rail and sweet-potato. Bz most uv the property destroyed wuz Confedrit, we hev rather the bulge on the North In this item. We uv the Cross Roads is interestld in this, for John Morgan's command raldld thro here a dozen times, and left devast&shen In their track. He left nary a chicken, mule, or barl uv whisky behind him. That old saint, Deekln Pogram, must hev his pathway to the tomb smoothed by payment for his lone mule, or ther is no jestls in man. 5. "We want a peece that shel be eternal. We want olive branches and money. We uv the South will extend the olive branches, and yoo uv the North must extend the money. We hev olive branches by the cord and no money, and vice versa, wich means tother ways. 6. The government Is to be a paternal one for the purpose uv payin these clames, and bildln our ralerodes and ship canals, but for nuthin else. It is a nashen for that and a confedrashen uv sovrin states for everything else. By comln back Into the Yoonyun we did not give up our rite to secede whenever we want to, and it wood be crooel to ask us. We wuz overpowered, but broot forse don't change a eternal prinslple. This must be understood, and the Dlmocrlsy uv the North must put it into all their platforms, immejlt. 7. The niggers must be left to us without Interference from any source. We shel not probably redoose em agiin to their normel condlshen uv servitood, and ez a matter uv form we are wlllln they shood vote, pervided alluz they vote with us. That is essential to the contlnyood prosperity uv the South, and ez the whites uv the South is all that kin be considered, we must insist upon this. The whites uv the South must hev nigger laber, and on slch terms ez the whites uv the South sees- fit to make. 8. We extend the rite hand uv fellowship to slch Northerners ez choose to come South with capttle to build up our kentry, but they must not make disturbers uv theirselves. They must not expect to be welcomed Into our first society, nor must they take any part in pollytlx. Like the niggers, they may vote, ef they vote with us, but not otherwise. We are a proud people, and cant recognize ez our ekals any family wich hez not at sum pe- riod in its hlstry owned niggers. Ef the Northern Dimocrisy want us they know the terms. We are wlllln they shel sugar-cote It ez much ez they choose, but it must be under- stood that no matter wat perfeshns may be made afore eleckshuns, these things' are to be done when we git the ranes in our own hands. We are the controllin race and evenshelly must be considered. I shel recur to this subjik agin, ez the noosepapers say. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, State-Rite Dlmocrat. S()S The Kasby JjEMiR§. MR. XASBY HEARS FROM OHIO. Confedrit X Roads, ,j (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), October 15, 1S79. Ohio hez gone distractW. Inated uv electin Ewin, and maldn soft money secoor, that cussid Foster hez kerried the state by a majority wicl^ we hed no idee uv, and to malce the matter wuss, the legislacher hez gone agin us, and the return uv that saint, Thurman, is one uv the things that ain't to be thot uv. Ohio is gone, and wat we dependld on is gone also. We hoped to bring Ohio into the ranlcs ez a soft money inflashen state, to help the Confedrit Cross Roads to get into that prosperity wich it hez so long desired. But Ohio is gone. Evin, the champion of soft money and the embodiment uv the idee that all yoo hev to do to make money is to print it, is berried under a majority uv suthin like forty thousand, and the Greenback party is faded into nothin where we expected a great dee] from it. Sich is life! Wher we expeck the most we get the least, and help comes oftenest from where we don't expeck nothin. We uv Kentucky hev but one hope now. That hope is Gen. Butler, of Massychoosits. Ef he kin git that state to elect him on the inflashen tik- ket, we kin git enuff holt on the public to make some headway for an- other campane. Butler hez suthin to go on, wich he didn't hev in Ohio. In Ohio the crops wuz all good, and the people wuz prosperous. Ther wuz no frost to kill the corn, and ther wuz no murrin among the cattle. But in Massy^ choosits ther hez bin lots uv defalcashens, and consekent distress. But- ler will make the most uv this. Every cashier that hez stole the money uv his corporashen, and got away with the plunder, will be charged up to the Republikin party, and Berijamiu will charge it all to John Sherman and the present policy. Ef ther is a, few more defalcashens in Fall River, I feel tolerably shoor that Butler will be electid. Down heie in the Corners we prayed for a frost that wood kill the corn in Ohio— we never go to sleep now without prayin for more defalcashens in Massychoosits. Dimocrisy kin hope foi nothin onless there is distress. Prosperity and Dimocrisy don't hitch at all. Wat we want is suthin solid in the way Uv distress that will make people clamor for a change. The eyes uv Kentucky is onto Butler. To Butler, the only aggres.'sive- ly wicked man in the nashen, Kentucky looks appelinly. The great But-j ler is makin the only greenback fite that is worthy uv the name, and malclq that fight in the very face uv the bloatid bond-holders uv Noo England, wich is pizen. We uv the Cross Roads hev forgiven Butler. We are inag-' nanimus. We hev forgiven that he ever drawd his sword agin the Confed- eracy. (So fur ez effeks went we hevn't much to forgive, wich makes' the task easy.) We hev forgiven him for his brootality in freein our nig- gers, and we forgive him for watever aid he wuz to the radlkels at the \arious times he hez acted with them. Inasmuch ez he alluz did em rnor^ harm than good, we overlook all that and take him to our buzzum. For Gen. Butler is doin the work that the Corners most need. But- ler is the champion uv inflashen, and the only man left wich is actillj makin a serious flte in favor uv onlimited greenbax. -We uv the Corners say hail and God speed to the great Greenbacker We pray for him in the mornln, we drink to him doorin the day, and-in th( shades uv the evenin the Corners Is intoxicated drinkin his health. The l^ASBY tiETTERS. ' 309 Wat the Corners wants Is more money. The Corners never hed enuft sence the war. Afore the war, when we hed niggers to do our work, and could sell the surplus stock South, wa could by encouragin hreediu, git along very well. We managed to hev enufC to feed and clothe us, and to bet on quarter races, and to indulge in draw poker to our hart's con- tent. In those days Bascom's wuz a paradise. The bar in front wuz filled with gentlemen takin ther tods, and the back room wuz crowded with the citizens playin draw poker and other games Incidental to a high state uv civllizash'en. I wunst knowed Deekln Pogram to lose wat money he hed, and then, ruther than retire, stake Llbby and Sary, two uv his nigger gals, and sed to be his dawters, wlch wuz likely, ez they hed the Pogram nose, on two pair, and when he lost em, h^ see em druv off South without a, pang. Ez he remarkt on that occashun, "wat diffrence Is it? Ther is more a comin." It wuz a thrillin site. The Deekin wuz playin with Slippery Jim Ted- son, and hed lost ever dollar he hed in the world, and also his watch S,nd his double-barrelled shot-gun. Slipry Jim sat ther sardonic, restin sekoor on the solid foundashen uv four aces. The good Deekein hed three kings and two queens, wich any chrischen wood consider good enufC to put a. mortga.ge onto his house for. Slipry Jim bet $20, and asked the good Deekln wat he wuz a goin to do about it. "I .ned to git there the day the butcher Grant arrived. I can't say I notist any pertikeler signs uv the rooin I wuz seekln. he blast furnisses wuz all in full blaze, and the smoke, in torment to imekratlo soles, wuz assendin to Hevin In scores uv chimneys. The ;reet wuz crowded with people, ahd not a sole uv em seemed to realize lat they wuz wrlthln under the heel uv a flnanshel despotism. Trains uv irs wuz a runnln in every direckshun loaded d9wn with people, all uv n in good clothes, and ez I rode along (in a cattle car, wich I took for iasons uv a pekooniary nacher), I notist great stacks of hay, and rich, it cattle by the thousand, and houses with the sidln all tightly nailed, ^d no glass out uv the winders. At one stashen I heerd one man ask hother to take suthln, and the man paid for it, suthin that hezn't ok- urred at the Corflers for years. All along the route it wuz the same, and in this city it is eve;i wuss. never wuz so discurridged in my life — ^never so utterly cast down. The irnaces .are all runnln on full time, the heavens is clouded with smoke, he glass factries Is hevin all they kin do, the coal miners is all employed, nd ther ain't the slltest prospeck uv any riots or bloodshed. When I pmarked to a workman how he liked his chanes, he answered, "Very rell, I thank yoo," and lookin at me ez tho he thot I wuz an escaped jonatic, went on with his work. "Do yoo know yoo are rooined?" I shreeked. "Are yoo aware that yoo fe groanln under a odious oppreshun, and are the victim uv grlndln des- otism? Wat do yoo mean by stayin here and workln instld uv going but holdin mass meetins and resolvin never to submit, and burnin down hops and tearln up rails and slch? Are yoo a, man?" The besotted , serf simply remarkt that ef I didn't get out of this he rood show me whether he wuz a man or not, and droppln a piece uv hot •on on my foot, jest wher the boot wuz broken, turned away whlstlin. We may ez well make up onr minds to the eleckshun uv another radi- al in 1880. We hev no cappitle to go on. The winter wheat looks ez tho her wuz a goin to be anuther cussid big crop, and ther is a good market or all thai; kin be raised. The price uv manufaktered goods is up so liat proprietors and men are both well paid, and ther ain't a goin to be (o more riots or public disturbances uv any kind. The farmers are all ^tlsfied, the mechanics ditto, and they are a goin on-clankin ther chanes lappily. Wat kin Dimocrisy do when ther aint no distress? There Is no hope for the Dimocrisy, and I mite ez well get my ascen- ^un robes ready. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Disgusted). 314 TKE NASBt LUTTEHS. MR. NASBY'S PILGEIiMAGE TO MAINE, 1 Augusta, (Wich is\ In the State uv Maine) -, Jan. 6, 1879. We hev got em. Ther ain't no doubt uv It. For neetnis uv Idee and facility uv execooshen the Maine plan lays all over the Noo York repeetin noshun, and is ez much sooperior to the Mis- sissippi idee ez daylite is to darkiiis. Maine is to Mississippi ez a piano is to a jewsharp. Between the Maine plan and the Noo York plan uv repeetin ther ain't no more comparison than there is between the Noo York Central railrode and a Kentucky corduroy. The trouble about the Mississippi plan uv carryin the state for the Dimocrisy is yoo hev to waste a good deel uv monfey in powder and shot, and there is suthin not altogether pleasant in shootin a. radikel. His wife and dawters alluz make a fuss that is onpleasant, onless the bystanders; are sufflshently full to be entirely oblivious, wich, In the very nacher uv things can't be, for a man full nuff uv sod-corn whiskey not to feel sum sort uv pity for a weepin woman ooodent hev the nerve to shoot her hus- band at all. A slobberin woman isn't a. agreeable object, even to a citi- zen uv Yazoo. The Noo York plan uv carryin a eleckshun Is open to the objeckshun uv expense. The average Irishman will . hSv so much likker and so much money for every time he fepeets, and his leeder hez got to be seen and he must hev his whack with the rest. To kerry a Dimekratik majority in the city uv Noo York suffishent to drown out the rest uv the state -is a expensive and troublesome thing. But the kerryin uv Maine for the Dimocrisy, agin a Republikln ma- jority, wuz no trouble at all, and no expense or bother. All Governor Gax- celon did wuz to let the people vote. He did not shoot Republikins, ez we do in Mississippy, or buy Irish, ez we do in Noo York; There wuz no In- tei-ference with the freedom uv the poles — every man votid wich hed a rite to. Nothin cood be' fairer than the eleckshun, ez everybody will ad- mit. The Republikins went to bed the nite uv the eleckshun feelin that they hed kerrled the state, and the averige Democrat conseeded it. None uv em kaade the skeem that wuz re/olvin In the mind uv Gar- celon, the Napoleon uv the Northeast. The Republikln eleotld to the leg- Islacher found a few days after that he wuzn't electid at all. In the re- turns wuz found t's that hedn't bin crossed and i's that hedn't bin dotted, and he wuz throwd out becoz the returns wuz defective. Ther wuz no errors in the Dimocratic deestrlks. It hed bin fixed that the t's shood all all be crossed and the i's all dottid; but wo to the Republikin deestrlks wher this important matter hed bin keerlessly attendld to. We hev the' leg- Islacher and the next Senator, and the controle uv the state. Dimekrats uv Noo York, stop buyin votes— there is a shorter way to vlctry. Dimekrats uv Mississippy, throw away yoor shot guns, and stop buyin powder and slugs. A Yankee Demokrat hez showed yoo a better way uv beetin a majority. Violence and bribery is played out— Garcelon hez pint- ed out a better way and a cheaper. ,WiU he sfa,nd firm? The man wloh kin conceeve sich a thing ought to r 9' I *' The Nasbt Letters. 315 .- hev the stamina to kerry It out. I know he will'. I hev bin with him four . days, and ef he don't, I am no judge uv human nacher— uv his kind. 1 HallelDojy! I see a lite. It breaks In the East. I hev an addishnel proof uv the trooth uv the Skrlpters, for is it not written that the wise men cum from the East? It shood hev bin addid also that a great many uv the reckJis ones cum from the same seckshun. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, Jubilant. A EEVIBW OF THE MAINE SITUATION. Confedrlt X Roads, CWich is In the State uv Kentucky), January 24, 18&0. Sence my return from Augusty, I hev heerd the nooze from the state uv Maine. That onmittygatid noosance, Jim Blane, hez yookered the DIniocrlsy, and hez taken poseshun uv the state, and wat is wuss, a very hevvey majority uv the people uv the state sustane him in yooserpa- shen. .^ The people uv Maine are so besotted that they skornfully reject the sweet boon uv l5imekratlc rool, aAd I may say, ez wuz sed about Jerusa- lem, "We wood hev gathered yoo under our wings ez a hen-hawk gather- [ eth chickens, but ye wood not." ' ' To see the Republikln legislacher comfortably mstalled in the state - house, wlch is heated by steam, and hez cushened sects, a passin laws , Uke anything, while the dlstrest Dlmekratic members uv wat we consider the legle legislacher is a holdin its sersions on cold sidewalks, a, seat on a fence bein considered a luxury, Is a site to move the gods to pitty. And then when one considers that the Dimekratic legislacher is payin its own board and its own likker bills without the remotest hope uv gittin a cent uv It back out uv the state treasury. It is enuff to melt a hart uv stun, and to draw teers from a stun monument. I sed, when I wrote from Augusty, that the plan uv the Maine Dimoc- rasy laid over that uv both the Noo York and Mississlppy. I wuz mistaken. The Noo York plan uv buyin elecksiiuns won't anser, for the Dimocrisy ain't got no money, and the Republiklns can't be bot anyhow. But I find it necessary that the Mississippy plan shood be grafted onto the Maine plan. There shood be a joodishus comblnashen uv the two. Gov. Garcelon wuz entirely rite in countin out the Republikln mem- bers, but wat good wuz it ef a Soopreme court cood count em in agin? Rite here wuz where he shood hev adoptid the Yazoo tactics. After he hed countid out enuff Republlkins to give the legislacher to the Dimoc- risy, _ he shood hev hed a rifle club In readinis to shoot the countid out members, so that they woodent be likely to come up and clame their seats. Then, to make ashoorance doubly shoor, he shood Immejitly hev shot the entire Soopreme court, for it is a melancholy fact that the courts are gin- erally agin the Dimocrisy. Then he wood hev hed em. There wood hev bin no Republiklns to contest seats, and ef ther hed bin,, there wood hev bin nd court to appeal to. That wood hev bin Napoleonic. Alas Gov. Garcelon Is no Napoleon, and so we hev lost Maine, and Blane and Chamberlin triumph! It is sad, and I weep with the discomfitted Dimocrisy. Notwithstandta the fact that lots uv returns from towns came in, in 316 The iiAHJii: uKTiJ-tis. > ' t which the i's wuzn't dotted- and the t's wuzn't crossed, we are forced to re-j sine the legislacher and the controle uv the state to the Radikels, and thei, Dimocrisy is, literally, out in the cold. , ;^ Gov. Garcelon is a failure. He didn't ketoh on to the hull idee, .Hi3_ idee uv steelin the state wuz good enuff, but he needid shotguns to hold it. Lackin shotguns, the property slid out uv his hands, and to-day he is a laffln stock. Ef Blane and Chamberlin hed bin in Mississippi, they woodent hev worried us a grate while. But Dimocrisy is accustomed to defeet, and I hev got so yoosed to it that I don't mind it. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Still hopeful). ME. NASBY GOES TO INDIANA. PlugvlUe, (Wich is in the State UT InjeanjO, February 4, 1880. I hevent felt so good ez I do now sence I married a farm in Noo Jersey, over forty j'eers ago. That wuz a, event in my checkered career which I never shel forget. That event giv me t)roraise uv a long life uv eeze un- alloyed by labor, but like other promises, it wuz broke. When the widder diskivered that I wood not either hold the plow or drive, but preferred the sweet content uv the village tavern, she crooelly druv me forth into the cold world, sence wich time X hev shifted about az best I cood, wich is bad enufE. Ther is no free lunches at the Corners. I come to Pugsville the minit 1 heerd that a dozen uv niggers, wich hgd got the noshen uv leevin their nateral homes in the sunny South, perposed to settle here. I felt it my dooty to aid the strugglin whites uv this seckshun to repel this invashun, that Injea,ny shood be saved from the horrors uv nigger dominstshen. Cood Injeany redoose em to ther nor- mal condishen uv servitood, we wood welcome em, but when they come ez free men it is altogether disgustin. There wuz four families uv em that got off at the stashun. Wat did they do? They hedn't bin in town a hour atore they wuz inquirin for work, and they all got work to do among a parsel uv Quakers that, live just outside the village. There wuz some cabins fitted up for em; and they went to work jist ez nateral ez tho they hed bin yoost to It all their] lives. Still the Dimocrisy wuz not alarmed, for it didn't know the volcano it wuz sleepin over. The postmaster (wich is a troo Dlmekrat) wuz the first to sound -the alarm. He divulged the stoopenjus fact that them niggers wuz a, mailinP letters to other niggers in the South, and he promptly opened, one uv em. His wust feers wuz realized. The niggers wuz a writin to ther freus, sayin that they wuz at work regler; that they wuz bein paid regleif for their work, and wuzn't at all aCeerd uv bein molested, and urged em all wich cood git away to come to-wunst. Ther wuz a, eggscitement among the Dimocrisy wich bafCels descripghen. Suppose 200 niggers shood come into this county, and all vote the.Re- publlkin tikkit! It wood change the polittikle complexion uv the. county, and possibly the state. The immegrashen must be stopped to wunst, and Injeany saved. I come jist In time to give, the movement agin em shape and form, and my work here is the proudest uv my life. I called a meetin u> the. Dimocrisy at Bonebrake's grosery, wicb la THE iNASBY Letters. ai7 ez like Bascom's ez two peas. It is a singler fact that wherever Dimoc» risy is in the majority you will find si'oseries jlst like Bascom's, and the pioprietor thereof hez alluz the same objeckshun to credit his patrons wich distinguishes that narrer minded citizen. It wuz a oocashen long to be remembered. 'Squire Papman opened by reraarkin that the emergency demandld vigrus ackshen. The influx uv de- gradid niggers into Injeany wuz suthin that threatened the state with untold woes, and he wood resist it to the death. The Quakers wlch har- bored em shood be visited with the wrath uv all rite minded citizens, and measures shood be taken to not only pervent more comin, but to cleen out them wich wuz here. He submitted the foUerin resolooshens : Wareas, Four families uv niggers hev, in the most owdashus manner, left ther happy homes in the South and settled in this county, bein hax- bored by evil-disposed persons, and Wareas, These niggers is stirrin up discontent among their degradid race by representin to em that they kin get work here and get regler p^ for the same, and Wareas, It is a dead shoor thing that these niggers will, every cussed one uv em, vote the Republikin tikkit, and we can't count em out ez easy ez our brethren do in the South, therefore be it Resolved, That nigger imigrashen is a unmitigated outrage onto the White citizens uv Injeany, and that it must be stopped by the means han- diest to us. Resolved, That ez the nigger is by nacher slothful and indolent, and will never labor ceptln under coraponsashun, we protest aginst his comin among us to fill our alms-houses and jails, thus imposin additional tai^es onto a already tax-burdened people. Resolved, That ez the nigger will work for less wages than a free- born white man, his comin will naterally thro the poor but hi>nist Cauca- shen out uv employment. Resolved, That we reassert the old-time Dimekratic idee that the white man is sooperior to the nigger, and that our dawters shel never be per- mitted to intermarry with em on no account, even ef we hev to kill the nig- gers and shet up the g9.1s to pervent it. Resolved, That we, representin the cappytle and intelligence uv Plug- viile pledge ourselves never to submit to the dominashen uv a inferior race, and therefore will take measures to remove the four nigger families jest arrived, ez well ez the two wich wuz here afore. The 'Squire hevin invited all present to take suthin, the 'resolooshens were yoonanimously passed. The takin suthin wvz, onfortnitly, indefinite- ly postponed, Bonebrake mildly but firmly refoosin to set out the bottle ontll the 'Squire showed money, wich he wuz enable to do. But the blood uv Plugville wuz up, and so triflin a circumsirance did not destroy ther ardor. A Kentucky Dimekrat needs stimyoolatin when he goes nigger-huntin — the Ingianlan does it from a love uv it. They formed in persceshun and marched out to the Quaker settlement, and in less time than it takes to write these lines the cabins wuz wrecked and ther furnytoor, beddin, and sich yootensils ez they hed, wuz safely hived. Bonebrake took the plunder for llkker, and we hed a ginyooine Dimekratic love-feast that nlte. It wuz a occashn wich infused new strength into the Dlmocrisy uv the seckshun. Plugville hez set a ex- ' ample to the state. I am ez happy here ez I wuz in Kentucky. ;, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Cawcashen). ■ P. S.— I forgot to menshun that one nigger wuz killed in the melee, and that one nigger woman and her two babies frorie to death that nite. P. S. 2d— Michael O'Flanagan hezn't bin sober sence he got away with f i ! 318 The Nasby Letters. i a lookin-glass, two, saws, and some baby clothln, on wich Bonebrake ad- vanced him a gallon uv noo whisky. He is lookin for another settlemant uv immigrants to cleen out. He sez his motto is "Ameriky for white Amerikins." Michael is opposed to immlgrashun clean thru. He wants to know "why they shood lave their homes?" Why, indeed? P. V. N. MR. NASBY AND HIS FEIENDS MEET AND EBSOLVB. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Febrooary 28, 1880. The Corners is serusly alarmed. I read sich uv the Northern papers ez are sent to citizens uv the Corners ez specimen copies (them bein all that the white citizens uv this stanch Dimekratio stronghold ever git), and we are actilly alarmed. Wat trubbles us is booms. There is the Grant boom, the Blaine boom, the Sherman boom, and several other varieties, ; and they all appear to be genooine. A boom in the abstrack wouldn't bother us much, but so many booms, and all uv em bein uv one kind, is simply friteful. Espeshly is it alarmin when we consider that ther ain't no booms for anybody but the most prouounst radikels, and the bigger the radikel the bigger the boom. The Sherman boomers base their boom on the assershun that he is the most intense radikel livin, and Grant and Blane's boomers show that each lays all over the others in this direc- tion. The alarmin feecher is that the Republikin candidates wicli ain't radikel don't boom at all; on the contrary, the menshun uv their names Is receeved with jeers and sich. In view uv this condishn uv things I called a meetin uv the Dimocrisy uv the Corners, I takin the chair, ez yoosual, and appintin myself com- mittee on resolooshuns, I reported ez follows: Wareas, The citizens uv Kentucky wich sympathized with the patriotic South in its efforts to bust up a oppressive government, but wuz suD- dood, not conkered, by the sooperior, brutle force of hordes uv hirelins, are sincerely desirus uv restorin amicable re- lations with their subdooeirs, and ^ Wareas, The citizens aforesed are disposed now, ez they alluz hev bin, to meet any tender uv consiliashun wich may be offered, it is hereby Resolved,^ That the way to fetch the Southern hart and bring it back to a consoomin love for the Yoonyun aint by boomln them ez'waz promi- nent in hoomiliatin her. Resolved, That the Confederacy wants to know how the Confedracy is to be won back to a- love for the Yoonyun when nobody but soljers and statesmen -^ich opposed the Confedracy is held up in the North ez can- didates, espeshely ez it is evident that the more they opposed the Confed- racy the more they is thot uv. Resolved, That ef the North wants to consulate us, they shood nom- inate men wich hez sympathy with us, and not them uv their own way uv thinkin. Wat kind uv sacrifis do they make for p^ace, ef they hev things their own way? Resolved, That the South is willin to give up Its consoomin desire for a seprit government pervidin -it is permitted to run the Fedral government precisely ez It pleases, the destiny uv the South bein to rod. Resolved, That the South is generous and forgivin, and wood not make the fact uv a Northern man's havin served in the Fedrel army a posi- tive bar to his eleckshun to the Presidency; pervided alluz, that he did his flghtin from a Dimekratic standpint, and hez acted consistently with the Dimocrisy sence the onholy war. Resolved, That ef the Republikin party shood sink Its prejoodesses and nominate Fitz John Porter or Gen. Hancock ez representin the Fed^ The Nasbt Letteks. 319 rels, ana the DImocrisy shood put up Boregard ez a representative Con- Cedrit, It wood go a great ways toward allxyin the growln feelin uv seck- shunallsm. Resolved, That to strangle sectionalism, the South perposes to take entire posseshun uv the guvernment. Resolved, That it is highly time that the North forgits all the Ishoos uv the late war, includin the payment uv the Southern war debt, penshon- fn Southern soljers, the re-enslavement uv the nigger and sich, and per- ceed immejitly to Split upon the money question, tariffs, and the like. Resolved, That we uv the South hev jest one dooty, which is to forgit all miner ishoos and stand sholder to sholder ez one man till we aglu hev that controle uv the kentry wich wuz rested J!rom us in 18G1. These resoloo^ens wuz yooiianlmusly adoptid, after which we ad- journed to Bascom's and spent the remainder uv the evenln in Innocent Ihllarity. Baeoom hed jest reseeved a barl uv noo likker, and Deekin Po- gram had drawd a $50 prize in a lottry, and he hed rescood $20 uv it from Ithe rapasity uv his wife and dawters wich wanted to squander it on close and slch. When Bascom saw that $20, he relaxed his habityooal oster- Ity and jined the revellers, goin so fur ez to treat wunst hisself, and giv- in me and Issaker Gavitt credit for two rounds each. It wuz really a re- freshin season. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Bneurridged). DISCUSSING A DEMOCEATIC NOMINEE: Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), March 13, 1880. The question ez to wich honist statesman tlie Dimocrisy shel nomin- iate for tha Presidency hez agitated the Corners oncommonly uv late. The Dimocrisy uv the Corners will vote for anybody that the convensliun chooses to put on the track, for the Corners recognizes that the fust dooty uv a Dimecrat ife to open his mouth and swaller watever his leeders chooze to drop in It. The Dimocrisy uv the Corners is a. very easy one to git on with. None uv em reed, without sich gieat labor that they reely don't consider it worth while wat it costs, and their information, like their close, is ginerally second-handld. I desided that it wus best to hold a, meetin to assertane wat wuz the preferences uv the Dimocrisy uv the Corners on this important matter, and akkordinly called one. I am ruther fond uv holdin meetins, for it not only helps to manetane my importance, but ginerally I manage to git Bas- com interested to the pint uv askin us all to take suthin, wich is soothin to the bowels. Likker earned in that way is sv/eet, for it tastes jist ez good ez tho yoo paid for it, and the gittin uv it is a triboot to yoor genius. There wuz a great diversity uv opinyun on this pint, and every man in the meetin hed a candidate uv his own. Deekin Pogram wuz quite yoonanimus in favor uv Voorhees, uv Injeany, for the first place on the tikkit, for -various reasons. Fust, there wuzn't any doubt about his Dim- ocrisy. He wuz .doorin the late onpleasantnis a staunch friend uv the South, and is to-day jist ez yooseful to us ez tho he wuz actilly a South- ern man. In our opposishun to seckshunalism we insist upon hevin a man entirely Southern in feelin. The fact that Voorhees is a Northern man does not count agin him. We are opposed to seckshunalism, and are will- In to vote for a Northern man, if we kin depend upon his entire devoshen to the South. That is all we require. 320 The Nasby LEirEaa. 1 Another man wantid Tllden, another Bayard, uv Delaware, and ylt another Thurman, uv Ohio, while a great many .wuz entirely wlllin to sup- port Hancock, ajid even Gen. McClellan hed some friends. Finelly some one asked ef the Dxmocrisy uv the Comers hed thot uv the great and good Tilden wich wuz swindled out uv the Presidency by eight to seven. Was there no sence uv justls In the Corners? From every part uv the meetin-house ther ariz a murmur uv disap- proval. "We don't want no Tllden in ourn," sed several; "he is the tool uv the bloatid bond-holder!" "No Tildeu for me," sed another, "he is opposed to onljmited green-' bax; and wants to pay off the nashnel debt." "No Tilden!" shouted the entire meetin, yoonanimusly. "Anybody but Tilden." Deekin Pogram moved that it was the sense uv this meetin that Sen- ator Voorhees, uv Injeany, wuz the proper man to bear the Dimecratio banner to victry, and I wuz about to put the moshun when that onmitl-. gated cuss, Joe Bigler, wich is a torment, rose and sed he hed a remark to make before the question wuz put. 'Are yoo aware, Josef, that this Is a Dimekratik meetin?" I remarkt. "Hevin inventoried the noses uv them in attendance, smelt ther breaths and gazed on their cloze, I am aware this is a Dimekratik convenshun." "Are yoo a Dimekrat, Josef?" "Ez I am meditatin an entire repoodiashen uv wat I owe, and hev determined to quit work and jine the cirkle at Bascom's, I kin say I am, or at leest soon will be." "Then I 'spose we shel hev to heer wat yoo hev to say." "Uv course yoo will. Yoo ginerally do hear what I hev to say. Wat I wanted to git at Is this: The Corners will rooin itself by supportin Voor- hees. How much does Parson Nasby owe the Corners?", Every man in the awjence riz to his feet ez ef by instink. "He owes me ninety-six dollars!" yelled Deekin Pogram.- "And me a hundred and forty!" ejakelated Issaker Gavitt. And every man uv em statid the mizable sum I owed him, till the aggergate swelled to over a thousand dollars. "Do yoo want yoor money?" Bed Josef. "We do! We do!" sed they in korus. "My friends," continnered he, "Voorhees hez no money. Voorhees hezn't a cent to buy a delegate with, and wat earthly chance wood our esteemed friend hev to bring back anything from the convenshun, ef he goes iiistructid to vote for Voorhees? Uv course he will be yoor delegate, and uv course yoo expect him to come brlngin sheeves. Friends uv the Corners, yoo don't want Voorhees, ef you want yoor money. Too want a man wich hez the disposishun to buy, and the money to buy with." "Uv course we do — ^uv course we do! D — ^n Voorhees!" they all exclaimed. "Gentlemen!" sed Josef, "wat yoo want is Tllden. Tilden hez money — barls uv It. Tllden is a patriot wich don't want any delegate to vote for him for nothin. That eminent pa- triot will be in Cincinnati with his money. He will hev his headquar-r ters full uv it, and whoso wants will be permitted to plunge into that barrel elbow deep. It Is uv vital interest to the Corners that he be our nominee." TifE Nasey Letters, 321 And Immejltly a half dozen moved that the name uv Tllden be substi- tuted for Voorhees, and it wuz carried yoonanimusly. Josef 6lgrler then moved that his esteemed friend Nasby be the dele- gate, wlch wuz carried. I wuz so grateful to Josef for this that I actilly come down from the chair and embraced him. "Hold on!" sed Josef, "go slow. Parson. I hev another moshun to pake. I move also that a, committy uv the Parson's creditors be ap- I.inted to accompany him to Cincinnati, to see that after gittln the money he brings it back with him. I do not doubt the Parson's honesty, but I don't like to expose him to temptashun. Human nacher is week." And this moshun wuz carried, and Deekln Pogram, Issaker Gavitt and jCapt. McPelter was made sed committy, and they wuz instructid to re- ceive the money thelrselves, and to divide it pro rata among my creditors. And the meetin adjourned, Josef remarkin ez we left the house, "Ain't it wonderful, Deekln, how little things Inflooence great ones? Only think iuv Iti possibly yoor vote will nominate the great Tllden. Sposn yoo hed never come to the Corners, and never borrered money, the old man mite never hev 'bin President. But I don't know, after all. Too'd hev borrered ]lt somewhere else." I wish to Hevin that Jo Bigler wood die. Here I am forced to go to Cincinnati, with the certinty uv a decent pile, and no good to me. Wat good does it do to pay debts? I can't drink the likker over that money paid for, nor kin I eat the same meals over agin. That is gone. But 1 spose I shel hev to stand it. But all the same, ef they git that money I she! confess I hev fallen into my dotage. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Delegate-elect). ME. NASBT HAS AN INTEEVIEW WITH TILDBF. Noo York, March 20, 1880. I am present an inmate uv a convenient but very cheap hotel in the vicinity uv Gramercy park, the residence uv the great Tllden, wich wood hev Invited me to stay with him, but unfortoonitly his house wuz full i^v Dimecrats from all parts wioh come to persuade him to save the kentry bjf consentln to run for the Presidency. In the kindest manner, however, he is paying my board here jest ez soon buy the electoral vote uv a. Northern state ez a Suthern one — I shel parsel out the offises, I shel buy men wher I kin git em. John Morrissey is ded, but there are others to start pool-rooms, to inflooence the waverin. I shel put all the old machinery to work,, with a lot uv new that I hev recently Invented and this time I shel make no mistake. I know more about Presldenshel eleckshuns than I did then, and beside that I hev made a couple uv mil. yun uv dollars in the' past four years, and in the intrest uv a pure gov- ernment I will spend every cent uv it buyin the eleckshun, to inflooence txee and Independent voters. I will do it this time shoor." The sage and patriot then gave me direckshtins es to how to manage the Kentucky delegashun, and promised that I shood be his agent in buy- in up stubborn ones, and that I shood be on the committy wich shood par- cel out the offises for Kentucky. Uv course the postoffis at the Corners v.uz to be mine, tho the sage and patriot did hint that ef the Kentucky delegashun wuz yoonanimus the collectorship at Looisville wood be mine. He spoke definitely on this pint. "My dear friend," he remarked, ez he prest my hand at partln, "re- member the collectorship at Looisville, and whisper to yoor friends that my bar! is the only one that will be opened. A wink is ez good ez a nod to a mule." Uv course Mr. Tilden Is my candidate. He kin appreehiate patriot- ism, and is the first candidate that hez evfr promised me anything bet- ter than the Corners postoffis. I shel go home to labor for him with all my mite. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (For Tilden first, last and all the time.) P. S.— I don't know about Tilden, after all. Another Kentuckian wlch is stoppin at the same hotel, remarkt to me,' confidenshelly, that hO' es- teemed Mr. Tilden the greatest patriot uv modern days. And he went on to say that the great and good man hed desired him to see that the Kelt The Nasbt Letters. 323 uoky dsleg-ashen wuz yoonanimus for him.. "The fact Is, Nasby," sed this nan, "ef Tilden is nominEfted and electld I am promised the collectorship of jQOlsvlUe, and I kin give yoo a nice berth in it. I'll make it yoor inter- st to support him." This wuz encurrldgin to me, for 1 wuz about to make him the same offer. P. S. No. 2. — Later last nite two other Kentucky Dlmekrats come to me with the same proposishen. How many collectors does Looisville need? P. S. NO. 3. — An enemy uv the gilelis patriot hez caused Mr. Tilden lerlous trouble. He caused it to cirkelate privitly among the Dimocrlsy ;hat the great and good Tilden desired to meet, personally, them upon whom he expectld to confer appintmsnts, on the 19th inst., at his house. The streets wuz ful for five blocks with a perceshun ez long ez a St. Pat- rick's day. Among em wuz exactly 3S statesmen wich hed bin informed thet he wuz the gilelis statesman's choice for the Vice Presidency, and [Who hed bin promised that his inflooence shood be throwd for them. It ijidn't annoy the gilelis man at all. Ez he blandly remarkt to me, "tljpse jgentlemen are all committed, publicly to me, and they can hardly go back on wat they hev told their constltof ents." Mr. Tilden is a great, ez well ez gilelis man. P. "V. N. ME. NASBY BBTUENS TO KENTUCKY. Harp uv Erin Tavern, Noo York, April 26, 1880. I am more and more impressed, ez time flies on, with the greatnis and patriotism uv Sam'l J. Tilden, the Great Defrauded. His entire devoshun to his common kentry, his utter simplissity uv character, the gilelisnis uv a naterally simple nacher, wlch contact with the world hez never corruptid, and his general child-like trust in the jestis uv his . fellow-men, ' all com- bine to make him a man wich to see is to love, and wich to be in confiden- shel relashuns with him. In a monetary way, is to be supported. I hev bin for severaJ weeks residin at the Harp uv Erin Tavern, hard by Gramercy Park, arrangin Kentucky for the sage uv Noo York. It is needlis to add that I don't pay my own board. In the interests uv his common kentry, the good Mr. Tilden hez the bill sent to hlsself, for he recognizes the fact that the labrer for his common kentry is entitled to his daily bred, and a libral allowance for likker and the other necessaries uv lite. The good Mr. Tilden hez ten or a dozen . patriots uv my kind at the same place, and life with us is not altogether gloomy. We all sleep in one room, but there are three meals a day, and unlimitid credit at the Bar. A man wich can't live on this Is a Sybarite wich hez no place in a \ irchus repuBllc. I concluded Kentucky ylsterday, and start for home to-morrer. I hed two hours with Mr. Tilden, the good Tilden, and we fixed the hull matter. "I don't want to be President," sed the gilelis old man, "but the good • uv our common kentry demands it. A man wich don't make sacrifices for his kentry shood be compelled to live under a corrupt aristocracy. How Ig Kernel Plunger, uv Covington? • "The Kernel is for Thurman," sed I. "Tell the Kernel that ef that deestrik goes for me he shel hev the post- offls at Covington, and that mortgage onto his house will be attendid to. No patriot wlch wants to be President will pay him more than I will, isi^lch is drawd out uv retiracy relucantly, and solely for the good ttV a ■tommon kentry." 324 The NAbBY Letters. I replied that I thot that wood fix the Kunriel. Referrin to a memor- andum book marked Kentucky, he went on: "Gen. Podger, uv Lexington, hez bin -sayin suthin for Bayard. It won't do. Ef my sufterin kentry elex me to the Presidency, wich I con- sent to solely on its account, and aginst my will, he shel hev the postoffls there, and sich money ez he expends in kerryin the deestrlk furnisht him, and his bills shel not be looked into very closely. In savin one's kentry, a patriot must be libral. Wat is paltry dross compared with the good uv one's kentry? And Major McGrath?" I replied that the Major wuz not altogether satisfied with givin the sage uv Noo York the nominashen, bat that I wuz satisfied he wuz waitin to be seen. i, "See him. Find out eggsaekly how much he wants, and premise him anything in the way uv offlses that he requires. In the great work uv savin, one's kentry, promises can't be too freely made. Offer him the post- oflis there." "Honored and patriotic sir," I replied, "that offls hez bin already prom- ised to three men." "Hev they sense enuif to keep their mouths shut till after the conven. shun?" "I feer not, patriotic and honored sir." "Then offer him a furrin mishn, and a small amount uv money In hand . Thank the Lord," sed he fervently, "for furrin mishns. Too don't hev to specify, and there are a great many uv em. Too can't hev two postoffises' in one place, but there are a great many furrin mishuns, and a great many, more kin be made, ef need be, to save our common kentry. I hev alluz be-, leeved that ovir common kentry wuz not properly represented abroad,, and that ther ought to be at leest one consul for every Congressional dees- trik, and twict ez many full mishuns. I hate to double up, butl wat kin I do? Ther ain't nothin I won't sacrifice to our common kentry. For its sake I am being drawd out uv retirement — for Its sake I am willin to serve ez its President — for its sake I am willing to open jest ez many barls ez my unbought friends desire — and shel I hesitate for its sake to promise the- same offis to five men ? Never ! No troo patriot wood balk at so small a, thing ez that. Let em come. They shel hev all they want. Kin Kunnel Simmons be depended onto?" "Honored and patriotic sir, Kunnel Simmons adores you in his heart, I %m certain. But the Kunnel is labrin under flnanshel troubles, and he hez hesitated, to see wich candidate wood glv — " "I understand . the Kunnel, and I am his man. Ashoor the Kunnel that the coUectorship uv his district — " "But, honored and patriotic sir," I replied, looking at my memoran- dum, "that offls hez bin promist to four men alreddy." "So it hez," replied the patriot, "so it hez. Very good. He must hev a furrin mishn. Tell him to select any one ha likes, and give him my word for it. Will that anser?" "Better than anything. The Kunnel is so hevily In debt that a residence abroad wood soot him better than to remain at home. He cood hev the flag uv our common kentry wavin over his ofBs, wich wood console him for his enforced eggsile. He wood prefer the flag uv his common kentry over his offis in Guatemala to the Sheriff's flag over his house in Kentucky, The Sheriff'si flag is a lurid red, and is not variegated enuff for him." T^ere wuz some more arrangements uv like n^-cher, when I bi(} ths The Nasbt LEraE^is. 325 great and good man good bye, , and departed for my feeld uv labor. "Don't forgit," sed he, ez he wi-ung my hand at partln, "that the col- lectorship at LoojsvlUe is. your'n." I shan't forgit it, but ez it hez bin promised to six other patriots, to my certin knollege, I shan't buy a brown stun front house to-morrer,' on the strength uv it. Whether I git that or not, I hev got wat I hev' in my pooicit, and I shel hev the postoffls at the Corners, bein ez I am the only Dimoorat in that region wich kin write. This much I am shoor uv. But Mr. Tilden is a troo patriot, and does Ipve his common kentry. Hopefully, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Tilden). ME. NASBY ADYISES THE DEMOOEACY. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), May 15, 1880. ■ When I wuz a boy I read a fable, written by a man named HBup, whose principal biznis wuz writin fables (wat paper he writ em fwr I really don't know), about a dog wich wuz erossin a bridge with a bone in his mouth. He saw the shadder uv the bone in the water,, and thinkin that two bones wuz better than one, dropped the one in his mouth to ketch the other. Consekently he lost the wun he hed without gittin an- other. The Dimocrisy is very like that dog. We hev in our mouth, jist now, a very excellent bone. We hev the Congris, the Senit and the power to elect the next President. Uv course we want to achieve the possibilities, but wat folly it -is to hazard wat we hev on the mere chance uv gittin more. The South, wich is the Dimocrisy, is in a very comfortable sitoashen cow. Bz I sed, we hev the Congris, and we kin strengthen that Congris to almost any extent next year. Then next yeer we kin, ef we play our keerds right, elect a. President, and then the entire government is in our hands, to do with ez we please. With this comes the postoffices, the custom houses and the contrax— everythin that the Dimecratic patriots hev bin deprived Uv for twenty long and weary years. AH this we are liable to lose, by snatchin at the bone that is shinin in • the ' water, wich, like faith, is simply the promise uv things hoped for. How? ' By the folly uv the South. The Dimocrisy never hev hed the ded-< wood on everythin they wantid that they did not kick it over by askin too much, and alluz askin it at the wrong time. Wat is the yoose uv urg- in the payment uv claims for Southern losses in the war, afore we git the power to pay the olames? Wat yoDse is it to insist on the payment uv Suthern patriots for ther freed niggers afore we kin hev 'the power safe in our hands to pay em? Wat joose is it to ask for a custom- house at the Corners, and the slack-wat- rin uv Secession Crik afore we hev a Congris thro wich the nessary ap- propriashen kin be slid? The pint now is mojderashen. The South wants to be ez wise ez the serpent, and, jist now, ez harmlis ez the dove. Espeshly ez wise ez the serpent. But the time will come— well, I needn't say no more about that. The proper thing for the Dimocri.sy to do is to sing very small. We 326 ThiS'^Nasbt Lettbbs. want to nominate for President the most mild-mannered man that ever cut a. throat or scuttled ship. lie must be as good as a gradooate uv the Andover theoUogikle seminary, and a. man without a racord. ■ The can- didate for Vice President must hev a, record like a Sunday-skool teacher and a face wlch will sustane his record. The platform must be solid on the moralities, nd hev nothln in wlch cood ofCend a Connecticut deekln; there must be nothing in it but the most exalted patriotism, nothing but wat a Andersonville prizner cood endorse. I, knowln both sides, cood write, sich a platform, and it wood be one wlch even the most ardent Northern man wood endorse; it woodent say much, but wat It did say, and wat it didn't say, woodent meen nothin. After the ele^kshun It wood be another thing. When we hev our Pres- ident electid, and when we hev Congrls, both branches, in our" hands, pos- sibly it might reed different. Possibly the platform wlch didn't meen nuthin mite blossom into posslbilitiss wlch wood make glad the Cross Roads. Possibly the President mite recommend the slack-watrin uv Confedrit Creek under a. plank wich endorst libral and wise Internal imprBvements. * Possibly the emancipated niggers mite be paid for under the plank wich insisted on the doing away with seckshunal animosities, and possibly the establishment uv slavery mite be accomplished agin, under some arrangement uv apprenticeship, or watever mite be deemed advis- able to accomplish so vital a result. But ail this cannot be accomplished by the tactics wich the party is adoptin now. The party hez got to lay low. It must hev more consilia/- tory peeple at the hed. The North is skeery, and this ain't the time to skeer it. Ef we are stoopid enuff to let out all that we want, we shel lose wat we hev. The Injeany Dimocrat Is our good friend, but' he ain't eddi- oatld up to the pint uv doln all that we want, jist now. He hez got to be brot up to it by degrees. When he is in a postofHs, and his stayin in depends on his bein convinst that the South is all there is uv the Toonltid . States, except for purposes uv taxashen, he will be mity easy convinst. But not till then. Hence, I insist onto moderashun — before the eleckshun. We musn't skeer nobody. We want to go in on the cry uv reform, uv consiliashen, uv fraternal feelin, and everything uv that kind. We want to be ez mild ez a pan uv skim milk till we git sekoorly ankered, and then — well, the South knows how to take keer uv herself. I speek feelinly. I hev bin out uv offls ever sence A. Johnson, uv blessid memory, retired to prlvit life, and I want to git back. The citi- zens uv the Corners, wich all hold my doo bills, want me back, and they want their rites restored. They want the old flag and appropriashens. Payin no taxes thelrselves, they want the North, wich does, to be forced to make good all that they lost in ther attempt for their rites, and ez much more ez they kin be forst to bleed. This we must hev, and ther is but one way to git It. That way Is moderashun. and not showin our hand till it is called. Will the nashnel convenshun f oiler this advice? We shel see; if It is wise it will do it, and in one more yeer we shel be luxuriatln In fresh pas- ters, klvered with tall clover. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Sage) The Nasby Letters. 327 THE NEWS OF GAEPIELD'S NOMINATION. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wlch is In the State uv Kentucky), Joon 14, 1880. The nooze uv the nomlnashen uv the llberty-crushln, freedora-strang- Un Garfield wuz receeved at the Corners ylsterday afternoon, with pro- found surprise. Not one uv us hed antissipated it. We hed expected it wood be either Grant, Blane, or Sherman, and I hed spent two days In IiOolsvlUe gittln together the nessary aboose to be yoosed In the deestrik agin em three men, but Garfield's nomlnashen makes that labor all in vane. I can't beet Garfield by sayln that Grant wuz a hoss-thief, or that Sherman wuz a bank robber, and Blane a ralerode wrecker. I shel hev to either wait till our committees git up their skandals on Garfield, or invent some myself. I don't keer about it here in Kentucky, for It wood do jest ez well to yoose the Grant matter for Garfield, but when I go over into Injeany where some uv the Dimocrlsy, at leest, kin reed. It wood be different. My peeple here are difHeult to handle, tho not In the same way. When Grant's name wuz fust perposed I spoke uv him ez beln connectid with the whisky ring. Immejitly the Corners broke out ez one man In cheers for him, and I had difficulty to keep em from organ- Izln a Grant club on the spot. They admire a man who kin beet the guvemment In whisky. Deekin Pogram sed uv Gen. Grant, in Sunday skool: "He who prodooses cheep whisky, is greater than he who conquereth a Confederacy." The old saint Is, uv late, droppin Into a, habit uv mlxln his scripter — suthin he never does with his likker. The nooze struck us unfavorable. Deekin Pogram, after askln who Garfield wuz, sighed: "Wat kin be expected uv a Republic wherfe canal- boat drivers and skool-teachers aspire to high offices? Whoever the Dim- ocrlsy nominatid, hewantid a gentleman, and rawln a still longer sigh and remarkln that the day for good old Suthern gentility wuz gone, and that the government hed gone into the hands uv grovelin meohanlks and skool-masters, he asked Bascom to give him credit for drinks all around, wlch Bascom promptly declined to .do, and the Deekin sot down dry- lipped and discontentid. Issaker Gavitt wuz uv the opinion that when a party recklessly nom- inated so corrupt a man ez Barfield (I immejitly corrected him), well, Garfield, there wuz no hope for the republik. A candidate for the Presij denoy shood receive it from the hands of the peeple with pure hands. It must come to him unbought," and Issaker, puUin out the last $5 of the $25 he hed receeved from Tilden to kerry our deestrik, askt the Deekin up to take suthin. The toast wuz, "Tilden and His Barl. May the one last jist ez long ez the other." Capt. McPelter, wlch wuz a layln on his back on Basoom's long table, remarkt that the eleckshun uv Garfield meant rooin. It wood be a ex- tinguisher to enterprise, a crusher to honlst labor, and a squelcher uv industry. The Captin wood hev gone on, but fetchin a friteful yawn he remarkt that his corn wuz suffrin for want uv labor to hoe it, and turned over and went to sleep, the flies settlin one by one on his nose. Ez he Hedn't any money we let him slumber. Capt. Podgers remarkt that ef Iher wuz one thing above another that he worshipped it wuz a ken try In wich all men hed ekall rites. It wjz 328 The JN'AsBr' JjEi'rERS. ■] the corner-stun uv the republic, and the founaaslien uv the Dimekratlc party. Ez for hisself— The Captin seein suthin in the street rushed out In the middle uv his speech. He returned in a few minits, and washed his hands in Bascom's sink. "Wat wuz it, /Captin?" I aslted. "Oh, nothin. It wuz that nigger from Linkenville, wich hed the audassity to claim a rite to vote here, last eleckshun. I swore I'd kill him ef he ever put his nose into this place agin. I'd a done it, too, only .To Bigler kim up afore I hed time to finish him. But he won't never offer a vote at these poles no more.'' Feelin that some formal expression wuz nessary from the Corners, we organized a meetin and I proposed , some resolooshens, orally. In them resolooshens I denounst the Republikin party ez one that wuz sappin the very foundashens uv Amerikin liberty, and thalj the safety uv the kentry demanded that the government of the kentry be entrusted to the Virchoo and Intelligence uv the Dimekratio party, uv wich the Cross Roads wuz a shinin part. I sketched these ruffiy with a pencil and sot down to draw em out in full, when the cussid chair broke under me — Bascom's chairs. are alluz breakip — and I sprained my wrist so that I cood not write. Ez I am the only Dimekrat in the Corners ez kin write, and ez no proud and hawty Caucashen wood ever ask assistance from the inferior Af rikin, them resolooshens wuz not put upon paper, and are lost to. the party forever. It wuz pervokin, but my life hez bin a succession uv dis- appointments. Bz soon ez the national Dlrnekratic commifty shel send me- the nessary dockements concernih Garfield, I shel take the stump agin him, pervided alluz that they send the sinoos uv war. For wat kin a, Dimekrat do with- out moijey? I snuff the battle afar off, and am glad the fray is at hand. I shel live in clover till Kovember, anyhow. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Champion.). P. S. — A cold chill struck the Corners last Kite when the noose reached us that Tilden wuzn't a goin to run. "Wat kin we do in the Corners without his barl?" asked Issaker. And Bascom wich knowd he'd git all that wuz appropriated for this secltshun, wuz in sich a state uv dis- gust that he thretened to shut up at eight o'clock. Confidence wuz re- stored, however, by subsekent nooze that he shood hev Payne, uv Ohio, nominated, and that Payne hed even a bigger barl than Tilden. Then Bascom smiled agin, and hope wunst more illumined our noses. The Corners don't keer wich gits the Dimekratic nomination so that he hez a barl, and knows how to yoose it. Possibly Payne wood be better than Tilden, for he is a new man, and wood hev to buy us all over. Sich uv us ez hev reseeved money from Tilden held a meetin and resolved that wat Tilden hed paid us shood not count for any cither man. The new man must commence at the beginnin, jist ez Tilden did. Bascom wuz so elated at this prospeck that he called for three cheers- for Payne, and set up drinks all around. Thus in the general Sahara uv my life there is occa- sional oasisses. P. S. No. 2. — The Corners is wild with eggscitement. A man from Looisville arrived last nite, and sed that it hed bin determined to nomin- ate Payne, viv Ohio, and that he wuz worth not a cent less than five mil- lions uv dollars, and wuz more libra! even than Tilden. The Corners is neerly crazy. We only wish the convenshun wuz further off, that there n.He be time for still another change. p. -y, n. The JS^asby Letters. 329 THE COENEES MAKES A MISTAKE. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wlch Is In the State uv Kentucky), Joon 26, 1880. The Corners Is alluz being made the victim uv mistakes, wich will never end till we git rid uv Joe Bigler, or till our people git into a habit uv reedin. On some akkounts I wish our peeple did reed. They woodent make so many blunders, but on the other hand they woodent be so eesy to manage. It is a bad thing for Dimocrisy when peeple git to readin and thinkin for theirselves. Joe Bigler come around to Bascom's last nite and reportid that he hed advices from Cincinnati, and that the nominashen uv Tilden and reform wuz a shoor thing. He sed the Southern Brigadiers hed so decided, and that settled it. fileevln in the words uv this arch deseever wich -takes delite in jcon- fiisin us, I immejltly organized the Faithful into a meetin. I remarkt that we hed wunst more a candidate under wich we cood rally, without any feer uv results. We wuz, happily, rid uv the military ele- ment in Dimocratio poUytix, a element wich evry troo Dimocrat despised, onless it wuz clothed in gray. "Wich uv us is ther," I remarkt, "who does not remember the dis- gust with wlch the nominashen uv Micklellan inspired us in 1864? We wuz then compelled to cast our ballots for a man wich coodeni) help slaw- terin some uv our brothers, tho, to do him justice, I wood say that he did jest as little uv It ez he cood. The convenshen now in seshun don't make no sich mistake. Saml. J. Tilden hez ever bin the frend uv the South, arid never drord no sword agin it. He wuz our friend, fust and last, and I shel never cease to revere his name till I forgit the $450 he paid me for " my vote at St. Louis four yeers ago. He is no bloo coatid hirelin wich went forth to destroy us, ez did Garfield; he Is a man uv peece, wich is wat we want the North to alluz nominate. In the South we hev difCerent views. Then I moved the adopshen uv the foUerin resolooshens: Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky, now ez ever, deprecates the nominashen uv men for civil oflses wich hev nothin but military rec- ords to back em. Resolved, That holdin the late war to be an unprovoked assault upon the liberties uv the South, we rejoice that the Dimekratic convenshun hez given us a candidate wich hez no military record to apologize for, and no blood uv the South to anser for. Resolved, That the Corners, in the interest uv constitooshnel liberty, and uv free ' government, will give S. J. Tilden every vote in the. precinct, and ef any nigger or Northern agitator in these parts attempts to break our unanimity by votin for Garfleld; that his head shel" be broken promptly and to-wunst. The resolooshens wuz past immejltly, and Bascom wuz so delited that he to wunst announst a suspenshun uv the rools, and remarkt that in view uv the speedy openin uv Tilden's barl, he wood also open a barl, and wood give credit to-nlte, ef he glode Into bankruptcy to-morrow. Bascom does git deliteful streeks now and then. Everything wuz now ez I waniid it. Bascom wuz tappin a fresh barl, and the Dimocrisy stood around in a, state uv expectancy wlch may be imagined but cannot be described. Our mouths wuz a watrin for the likker wich wuz to aime. Bascom wuz a fillin the bottle to pass it around, 330 The Nasby LisirERS. when jist at the most unforchoouit time, Pollock/ the Illlnoy disturber, come in. That man is alluz a bird uv ill-omen. "Bigler," sed he, "I hev jist receeved a telegram from Cincinnati. It ain't Tilden at all." "Who is it?" I demanded. "Gineral Winfield S. Hancock," sed he, "a Fedrel soljer." And he an Bigler walked out, Blgler leerin at me in the most feendiah manner. I am very seldom caught in a dilemma wich I can't git out uv, but this rather staggered me, and it did the Dimocrisy assembled. "Hancock!" growled Issaker Gavilt. "Why, Hancock wuz a soljer wich wuz at Gettysburg, and agin us." "Hancock be d— d," sed Dekin Pogram, "he fit agin us from first to last." It took me several mlnits to collect myself, wich I did while I wuz burnin the resoloosbens wich we hed past. But I finally got my thots to- gether. "My friends," sed I, "don't be too fast. Come to think uv It we wuz too fast to go to passin resolooshens till we knowd for sertin wat we wuz a resolootin about. We hev committid them resolooshens to the flames, and we won't pass no more till we hev wat the convenshun ac- tooally did, under the name uv the president and secretary. Then we will pass a set wich will reaJHrm wat they hev dun with great cheerful- ness and alacrity. "A Dimekrat's fust dooty is to obey his convenshun, and to do wat his convenshun direx him to do. I don't deny but wat my hart is somewat tried by the nominashen uv a. Fedrel soljer wich bore arms agin us. But why shood we repine? Why shood we question the wisdom of the choice? Wich seckshun controled that convenshun? Paws and refleck. Wuz It the North or the South? Ef the North, wat diffrence Is ther betwixt a Northern Dimekrat and a Suthern one anyhow? But the Northern Dini- ekrats didn't hev nothin to do with It. The convenshun wuz controled en- tirely by the solid South. The' Brigadeers wuz all there. Ther wuz Wade Hampton, uv blessed memory. Ther wuz all uv em. Ther wuz pres- ent every long-haired man ' wich hed bin prominent in the defense uv the South, either ez a delegait or ez a inflooenshel spectator. Bare this in mind, ther wuzn't a nigger delegait In the entire convenshun — not^onel It wuz a convenshun uv white men, aotin for white men, and in the Interest uv the white men's party. "Does It make any difrence to the Corners who the figger hed is that is put up? Not at all. The Corners wants Seceshun Crlk slack- watred, the Corners wants a custom-house and a, postoffls, and the Corners wants her Suthern heroes penshund, and the losses uv the crooll war pade, and done ez quickly ez possible. The Corners, onto wich Bascom hez got a mortgage, wants releef in the shape uv money from the Fedrel treasury, and that Immejitly. We want our niggers back agin — we want the old system restored, and the Corners wants to rod this kentry ez It did wunst. "Ef Hancock is the way, walk ye In it. Does any one suppose that Hancock, wich is to be electid, ef he is electld at all, by the Solid South, is a goin back on the Solid South after his eleckshun? Does the ass know his master's crib? Is he a goin to turn and rend the hand wich feeds him? Tbis Kasbt LuTTzne. 8S1 "Are w« so ptoopld ez to epose that the Southern Brigadeers wich run the Cinslnnatl convenshun didn't know wat they wuz about? Hevin but one thing to do, do yoo suppose they didn't go and do it? To win, we hev got to kerry some Northern states, and wood It hev bin polisy to hev put up a Brlgadeer in gray to hev skeered the Northern Dimocrisy, whose stumlcks are still v/eek? We kin forgive a Fedrel gineral, wich, for the sake uv beln President, Is willin to undo ez a President all that he did ez a soljer. Wat he did ez a soljer Is past — wat he will do ez a President Is yet to come. We hev not gone back onto ourselves In nominatln hlra — ef he goes back upon hisself, that is his own biznis. "My .friends, it Is perfectly safe to take any Fedrel soljer wlch Is willin to take a nominashen at the hands uv Suthern brigadeers, yoo bet yer life. And it Is perfectly safe for us to swaller the resolooshens, no matter wat they may be. They all pint one way. Ef they are for tariff or agin tariff, they mean the old rool uv the glorious South. Ef they are for hard money or soft money, they mean the triumpf uv the South. Mieklellan, ef ho hed -bin electi'd, wood hev done jist ezwell (or us ez JefCson Davis, and so will Hancock." We adjourned with three cheers for Hancock and the platform, tho we hedn't receeved the platform, and didn't know nothing about it. But ez in the case uv the nominashen, we know the men wich made It, and that's enuft. Kentucky will role up a good, old-fashioned Dimokratlc majority this fall, shoor. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Exultant). P. S.— Bascom Is concerned about the barl. I satisfied that much doubting man by ashoorin him that Tllden's barl wood be opened jlst the same. But the nashnel commltty want to be in haste about flxln that. We kin take a candidate on trust, but the barl must be a reality. We must know all about that, and for shoor. P. V. N. THE DEMOCEACY OP THE COENEES HAVE DOUBTS. Confedrlt X Roads, CWlch is in the State uv Kentucky), Jooly 1, ISSO. Ther hez bin altogether too much murmurln among the Dimocrisy uv •the Corners to soot me, and I determined to bring it to a hed. The first dooty uv a Dimekrat Is to vote the tikkit sot afore him, and ef he can't do that he ain't no Dimekrat. The Western landlord who hed a fastijus boarder wich didn't like hash hed the proper method. When the boarder put in a mild protest that he wood like suthin beside hash, the landlord pulled out a carvin knife, and seezin him by the throte remarkt: "You do like liash, don't yoo?" The boarder looked at the knife and concloodid that hash wuz the best possible food for him, and order wuz restored to- wunst. Percisely so In pollytlx. Ef a. Dlmocrat don't like a, nominashn the carvin knife must be appealed to. Deekin Pogram swore that he woodn't vote for Hancock, nohow. Han- cock wore a bloo uniform doorin the war, and he (Pogram) hed suffered too much by the subjoogashen uv the South to support any man wich hed , assistid in the subjoogashen. Issaker Gavitt woodent vote for Hancock, becoz he bleeved that Til- 332 The I^Tasbt Letters. den shood hev bin noniinatld, or some Dimekrat egually able to open a barl or two. .,, ^ Bascom didn't like the riominashen for he hed, ez yit, see no indicashen/ uv any expenditoors for the coz. , Capt. McPelter remarkt that the nominasheh uv Hancock wuz a be- trayal uv the South, becoz Hancock hed born arms aglri-the central Ijeea uv Southern Democrisy. I hed one reply to make to these misgided men, wich I did. Ez to the barl, there wuz other barls besides Tilden's. Hancock hedn't much uv a barl, but he hed friends, wich hed, and English hed one uv his. own, The Corners musn't jump' at conclooshuns. The Corners kin wait. The refresh- en shower will conle, and the Gprners will git all thai it is entitled to. No Reform Dimocratic committee is a goln Into a carapane without mone3', and we shel git our share uv it. It is us ii'v the Corners who hez to colonize the southern counties in Injeany, for 'the October e'leckshun, and uv course ther will be money pervided to pay our expenses. _ So much for that. Ez to the nominashen uv Gen. HancocJ^, wal more cood we wantj' "Wat difference docs it make to us who the candidate is? Wat we want is re- sults. I want the post-offls that I may live in comfort and pay wat I owe to the citizens uv tha Corners^ (Wild cheers.) Issaker GaVitt wants to be collector, and Capt. McPelter wants a place in the revenoo, and Dee- kin Pogram wants to be suthin or other. Then the Corners wants, Se- ceshn Crik slack-watered, and a ral erode connectin it with the Suthern Pacific, and a custom house, and she wants her Southern soljerg pen- shund, and the losses she sustained made good by the Fedrel govern- ment. - . , < Ef Gen. Hancock is electid, is he a goin to continyoo. the nigger Lub- bock in the postoffis? Is he goin to continyoo Polloclc, the lUinoy dp- turber, ez collector? Is he goin to refooze the Corners the internal im- provements they want? Ef we wich electid him wants penshuns and pay for losses, is -he' goin to refooz? ' ' ' Not much. The creature kin never be sooperior to the creator. It is we wich will make him President. It is to us that he will owe his rise, and he can't go back onto us. I ain't a bit afraid uv any man wich will take a nominashen at our hands. A Northern man that will do that may be counted upon to carry out the bargain that gave him to us^ for he hez nothin-else to do. Whe'n sich a man comes over to us he burns his bridges and is ours for keeps.' I hed ruther trust him than a Southern man, for he hez everything to make by bein troo to us, and nothln to lose. Too say we mite hev nominatid a Southern soljer jist ez well. Troo, but we could not hev electid him. The North wood resent that, and we shood hev bin no better off than we are now. But Hancock will get the Northern votes necessary to elect him, and ez he will do bur work, jist the same ez a Southern man, wat diffrence is it to us?, I don't keej'wat yooniform a soljer wore in the war, so that he does wat we want hiih to do now. . I- We -tvant postofflses, and appropriashens, and ef we elect Hancock we git em, and ef we don't we don't. Let us be as wise as serpints anyhow, jist now, and the dove biznis we will consider hereafter. The friends toolt another view uv the matter after my remarks, and •decidid that after all it wood be better to support Hancock cor jelly. All The i^ASBT Lettehs. " 833 uv us agreed to go to Injeany in time to vote there In October, pervided alluz the funds wuz forthcomln. Issaker Gavitt sez he will manage to git in five" good votes, and Capt. McPelter Is ekally enthoosiaatic. The Cor- ners is all rite agin, and the Dlmocrisy may look for a good report from Injeany. I shel organize for that state to-wunst. The skies is britenln. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (with hopes;. ME. NASBY HAS A HOERID DEEAM. Confedrit X Roads. (Wich Is In the State uv Kenlucky), July 10, 188C. In all ages uv the world dreems hev been considered prophetic. Jon Bunyan yoosed the similitood uv a dream to portray the struggles and vioissitoods uv a Chrischen life, and I alluz dream when anything espe- cial is a goin to happen to the Dimicrisy. I differ from Bunyan in this: he didn't dreem at all, but he writ ez tho he did, while I actilly do dream. Last evenin Bascom give a spred In honor uv the nominashen uv Hancock, and ez the provender wuz free, and the llkker likewise, I hed for wunst, eggsackly all that my system cood hold, and my system is trooly a holder. Bein very full, I went to my couch, a true Blmekrati6 Bunyan, to dreem. / In my dreem the Presldenshel struggle took the very nateral form uv a race. It wuz all regeler, the two parties trottin out each a hoss, the winnin post beln the White House. ■ The Dlmocrisy trotted out their hose, and I felt ruther pleased on the hull. He come up prancin with a free sort uv step, and didn'i look ez tho he hed a blemish. Indeed he cum up so gamey that I reely hed faith In his sucksess, tho the other hoss hed a winnin look about him, and cum uv a stock that hez bin winnin for so long that they hev a noshen that they can't be beet. Our hoss wuz under the groomln uv Senator Wallace, uv Pennsylvany, and he wuz backt by the entire South, and Tammany Hall, and also by scatterin polittikle sports from the other states. "Now," sed Wallace, "everybody keep away, and don't spoil this race by eny cussid foolishness.. I hev flttid this hoss myself, and ef I ride him he's sure to win. Keep cleer uv him, and don't say a word." "Hold on a minit," sed a. longThaired feller from Vijginny, "we hev got to hev some assurances to jestify us in backin this hoss," and he flung onto his back an enormous sack labelled "Looisiana administration," and jumped on hisself to keep it in place. "Jest a minit," sed a Pennsylvany Dimekrat; "he must carry this," and he hove on a package labelled "protective tariff,", and he clirnbed oji. "He kin never run without this," sed a Jloo Yorker, arid he histed up a very heavy sack labelled "free trade." Another Noo Yorker and a: MaSsychoosits man climbed up, each with a very heavy package uv honlst money, and a, Injeany man climbed on with an Immense bundle uv fiat money. This hed no weight, but it took up a great deel uv room, and them wich carried it made a, great deel uv noise. Jist afore the start a gang uv Ku Klux from Mississlppy climbed on, and, despite Wade Hampton's entreaties, a South Kerllny rifle club scrambled on, end ez ef that wuzn t enuff, Johji Kelly, with, the entire Tammany .society delibritly took seats on his back. 334 The IfASBY Letters. Then came a gang loaded with "States' Rites," and a Cathello bishop or two Elided into seats Jist where they cood hold the reins, and ten or a dozen Confedrit brigadeers, wich woodent take their uniforms off, climbed up, and a full five hundred Southerners with demands for appropriashens hung on to his tale. Senator Wallace remonstrated, taut it wuzn't no yoose. Every man uv em remarkt that ef the hoss coodent kerry him, wat kind uv a hoss wuz it anyhow, and they all yelled, "Start him!" The word wuz given; the poor broot made a. convulsive stagger, and immejitly went down under the load that wuz put upon him. He recov- ered, and managed to keep on his feet till he struck the fust quarter post, Ohio, when his strength give out, and down he went, rollin over his mis- cellaneous load with great effect. The other walked over the track, and •ame in a easy winner. "How cood eny hoss run, so weighted?" yelled Wallace, in a rage. "It wood hev born down Ginral Washington, let alone sich a ginrel ez Han- «ock. It's no yoose. The hoss wuz good enuff, but, great Caesar, what a load he hed to kerry!" While the crowd wuz a strugglin to git out from under the eggsaustid charger, I awoke. Is this dreem troo? Is Hancock to be loadid with all these weights afore he starts? Is there no v/ay uv keepin out uv site what we don't want to be seen, till after eleokshun? I fear not. We are neither ez wise ez sarpints or harmless ez doves. It is a providence agin us. We never yit hed a show for success that we did not immejitly fool it away. The radikels are forchunit in our stoo- pidity. They hev lived onto It for ten yeers. Ef we only hed the sense to run Hancock on his style and military record, and say nothin about anything else, or ef we cood keep our votin element out uv sight till eleck- shun 4ay, we mite go through. But ez it is, we are hopelisly gone up. My hart is sad. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Despondent). ME. NASBY ASSISTS GEN. HANCOCK. (jovernor's Island, (Wich is in the State uv Noo Tork), Jooly 16, ISSO. I hev bin for sevrel days over at Governors Island assistin Gen. Han- coclc, ez a sort uv doorlceeper, wich, inezmuch ez I am certin uv wat t kin eat in drink, is a better thing than the prekarious life I leed at the Corners. Also, when the strugglo is over, he can't, ef he is electid, help glvln me some posishen sociable to my age and abilities. It soots me very well, and I shel stay here,prqbably, doorln the campane. I hev succeeded In receivin quite an amount uv money, already, from patriots wich want- id to be admitted to the presence out uv ther turn. Tlsterday wuz a feeld day. We hed delegashens from almost ever/ state in the Toonyun, all wantln to know suthln uv the General's vews or the various questions now before the people, and they wuz admitted one by one. The first wuz a delegashen from Noo York and Boston, wich wuz" anxshus to get his noshuns on the flnanshel question. "Representln," sed the spokesman, "the great flnanshel Instltooshens uv the kentry, we ask for a plain and explicit declarashen ez to yoor flnanshel pollsy In the event uv yoor eJeckshun." I never shel forglt the general's answer. The Nasby Letters. 335 "Ef there Is any one thing above another," sed he, "that I wish to hev understood, it is my posishen on this, the most Important question be- fore the people. I want no equivocashen, and even tho my vews sliood lose me votes, I shel be ez plain and explislt ez cood be desired. On the question uy finance, I hold that the best polisy shood be adoptld, regardlis uv oonsekences. Ther will be a Congris electld this fall, and that Congi-ls will pa^s bills and slch bearin on this question. From one stand-pint I sliood say that we needed more money, and from another less. Watever may be the diffrences uv opinyun on this great question, I am thoroly couvinst that the Greenbackers uv Injeany, in common with the hard money men uv Noo York, is ekally interested in a pure government, and that is wat Mr. Tilden, in common with John Kelly and myself, perpose to give our common kentry, for wich I fought and wood hev died. GeHtle- men, I trust my anser to your question is satisfactory. Ef not, I refer yoo to the nashnel Dimocratic committy." The committy retired, and a delegashun uv Greenbackers from Injeany wuz admitted. They wantid to know also. * ■'Gentlemen," said the great leeder, "ef 1 am distinguished for any- thing except my military skill, It is for simple directnis with my fellow citizens. I am rejoiced that I hev an opportunity uv anserin the queries wich may be put to me. In the matter uv currency, whether we nee* more or less, whether it shood be redeemable in gold, or not redeemable in anything, is a question on wich I need not say there are grave diifer- enc.es uv opinyun. Bf it is best to have flat money, we must hev flat money — ef, on the other hand, wat is called sound money . should be held to condoose to the greatest good uv the greatest number, that is wat we want. But one thing yoo must bear in mind ez yoo go to your homes, wich is that eternel vigilance is the price uv liberty, and that the Fabian pol- isy uv Gen. Washinton wuz wat brot the kentry thro the revolutionary war. Uv that I am entirely certain. But for that we would be groanln under the yoke uv British despotism, and the »beacon lite uv liberty wood not hev bin lit on this continent. I trust I hev ansered yoor question fair- ly and cleerly, and that yoo know my posishen. Ef ther is anything else yoo wood like to know, menshun it, and in the meantime, Mr. Nasby will show yoo some excellent Bourbon whisky in the adjoinin apartment." This, committy got rid uv, ther come in one from the South wantin to know his views on reconstruckshen and the status uv the Southern states; ginerally. "Wishln to state my vews on all the questions afore the people frank- ly and fully, I am glad yoo are here. In regard to the Southern ques- tion, the importaiice uv wich I recognize, I hev to say that it hez been a rool uv my life to, f oiler the best examples. I hev alluz held that the vic- toi-y uv Liundy's Lane, a account uv wich I hev jist been reading, wuz one uv the most brilliant on record, and that the settlement uv the ques- tions involved in that war wuz creditable to American statesmanship as the victories in the feeld wuz to Arnerikin arms. . I know I shel be kivered with.aboose by the unscrupulous opposishen to the Dimocrisy, but I shel nevertheless anser frankly all questions propounded. I trust, gentlemen, yoo are satisfled." This committy withdrew and another uv niggers from South Kerliny, wich wantid to git a pledge that the Dimocrisy T5 00d pertect em in ther rites in the event uv success, entered. The jrfneral reseeved em with the same urbanity that he did the others. 336 The Nasbt Letters. | i "The condishen uv things in the South," sed he, "is, I understand, to be deplored. That is, the condishen is to be deplored, pervidin they are, ez some accounts give em, and not to be deplored ef they are ez others state em. It is safe to say, gentlemen, that yoo will be pertected, ef the con- dishen uv things is such ez make perteckshun the proper thing to do. The reel question to be considered is, are yoo in sich condishun ez to make perteckshun necessary? Is the law uv our common ken try, wlch is my pride sich ez wood jestify the President uv the Yoonitid States—" The general stopped very sudden- here, for a delegashen uv South Ker- liny rifle clubs, wich hed heerd the niggers wuz there, rusht past me, and ■nooden't take no for a anser, and got in anyhow. They insistid oil the niggers gittin out, wich, ez they ain't agoin to be allowed to vote in the South, anyhow, we considered entirely safe to do. We hustled em out without ceremony, and give awjence to a delegashen uv Irish from the I Sixth ward uv Noo York, wich wantid some deflnit pledge ez to the inva- ! shen uv Canady, in the interest uv Irish independence, and a subscripahen ' to the Irish Skirraishin Fund. The General's treetment uv the Irish wuz ez masterly ez the others. 1 He shook 'em corjelly by the baud, and sed that the love uv liberty wuz j implantid in every Amerikin's bosom, and every Irishman's ez well, and jl that liberty wuz the birthrite uv every man. j "Ceptin niggers and Chinaze," interrupted a Irishman. He accepted the amendment— exceptin niggers and Chinese, neither uv wich wuz fit to be Incorporatid into the body politikle. But uv one thing ther cood be no. doubt. Robert Bmiiiet wuz the gratist man the world ever prodoost, exceptin Dan'l O'Connell, and the Irish citizens fought all the wars that this or any other kentry ever hed. He coo* lay his hand onto his hart and say he loved the Irish race. He felt that he hed statid his posishen with suflSshent cleernls. Ther wuz one skip in the arrangements wich I hev alreddy rectified, wich is not gittin the different delegashens off the Island in different direckshuns. It is a great mistake to let em git a chance to talk with each other, after they leave. They compare notes and dror conclusions. i They got to talkin outside, and one Noo Yorker expressed the senti-. ments uv the other when he remarkt: "Well, we've got a, non-partisan candidate, anyhow. He hain't got a politik — not a d — d politik." And another one sed that the Glnral didn't know more about govern- mental matters than MickLellan, and he couldn't say more nor that. Our leeders are satisfied with him, however, and that is all they want. He agrees with every one uv em, no matter how wide apart they may be, and he hez determined to keep that way till after eleckshun, and to trust to luck ez to wich he will foller. I thank heaven for one thing. No matter wat his views may or may not be, we are sertin uv the postofflses. Them Is my pollytix just now. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Gate Keeper). THE COENEES BECOMES TEBMBNPOUSLY AGITATED. Confedrlt X Roads, iCWich is in the State uv Kentucky), July 20, 1880. The Corners is in a blaze uv eggs oltementl In the LiOoSsvlUe papers wlch wuz receeved here last week, there cum an account uv a Confedrit TuE Nasbt Letters. 3b7 soljer, wich, ez soon ez he heerd uv the nominashen uv Hancock, and fully blsevln in his eleckshun, imraejitly filed his petishen for a penshun. The Confedrlt stated boldly in his applioashen that he hed never bin in the servis uv the Yoonitid States, but that he hed served four yeers in the Confedrlt army, and bleeved that he wuz entitled to a penshun the same ez tho he hed worn the bloo instid uv the gray. In less than a minlt there wuz the wildest eggscitement the Corners hez seen • ser.se the surrender uv Lee. The citizens gathered about Bas- com's by the hundred, and there wuz but one opinyun about it. "Ef the crooei war is reely over," sed Capt. MoPelter, "and the era of good feelin is goin to be inoggerated by the eleckshun uv Hancock, why continyoo these worn-out distinkshuns? Ef we understand the posishen uv the Dimocrisy, the late onpleasantnis wuz a difference uv opinyun be- tween the two seckshans, wich led to armies and sich. But ez neither side wuz conkered, and ez the war meant nothin at all, all traces uv it shood be immejitly obliteratid. Ez men from the North took up arms, the country pays em penshuns. Now wat I want to know is why men from the South wich took up arms shood not be paid penshuns likewise? "We both fit for our notions, and both wuz ekally meritorious. It is the dooty uv a le-united country to cement fraternel feelin, and how kin it be done ez well ez by payin both sides penshuns?" The speech wuz reseeved with more applause than any speech I hev heerd for yeers, and immejitly it wuz resolved that every man in the Cor- ners wich hed served in the Confedrlt armies shood to wunst file his clame so ez to git in early. There wuz a rush like that uv a- o'rcus-wagon. Every citizen uv the Corners hed, immejitly, a strong recolleckshun uv hevin bin in the Con- fedrlt servis, Incloodin suthin like fifty wich hed sekoored pensions alred- dy for serviKses in the Fedrel army. Deekin Pogram filed a petishun settin forth that while he wuz never reglerly enlisted in the Confedrlt servis, he hed contractid a severe roo- matism bush-whackin Pedrel pikkits, doorin Garfield's invashen uv the sacred soil, and wuz entitled to a penshun on that skore. Issaker Gavitt set forth that while he hed not sholdered his muskit In the feeld, he spent six months in Injeany assistin the Knights uv the Golden Cirkle in resistin drafts and sich, and in votin the Dimocratik tik- kit, wich wuz uv more servis to the Confederacy than ez tho he hed reg- lei-]y enlisted. I put in my clame for three months' service with the Loolsianer Peli- kins, wich indulged in more foot-races than any regiment in the Con- federacy, and also for organlzin draft riots in Ohio. Bascom claimed a penshun on the score uv keepin his bar open late at nlte for the refreshment uv Deekin Pogram and others on their return from bush-whackin. Mahlon Pettus hed actilly served with Forrest, and partissiptited In the massacre at Fort Filler. To prove it, he hed the thigh-bone uv a nigger soljer, wich Ms sister (wich is a artist) hed carved with appropriate in- ■ Bcripshuns. " All the citizens uv the Corners, with the eggscepshun uv Pollock and Joe Bigler, rushed in, and they come so fast that it was impossible to take their names. To -Simplify the matter, Bascom sejested that a committee be appinted 338 The Nasby Letters. j to file the claims, and that this committy shood copy the tax list, and forrerd all the names onto it, ez entitled to penshuns. There wu5i a. immejit dissent from this, for ther wuz only ten or a dozen names on the tajc-list, and they wuz mostly radikels. ' Here my genius shone out. "We will not yoose the tax-list," sed I, "but rather the poll-sheet uv the last eleckshun. All that we permitted to vote in this precinct may justly clame to be Confedrits, and we shel git all wich is really entitled to considerashun." This sejestion wuz adoptid, and I am bizzy at work makin out their applicashens. Two onpleasantnlsis okkurred. Sam Pettibone cum up to be enrolled for his penshun, and showed that he hed served in the 10th Alabama. I wuz a, puttin him down, when Issaker Gavitt interrupted. "Sam, yoo can't play that onto me," sed Issaker. "Too did enlist in the 10th Alabama, but yoo desertid. Bz much ez I want to bring capitle to the Comers, the Toonitid States ain't agoin to pay penshuns to a man wich desertid the Confedracy in her hour uv need." Sam's name wuz immejitly stricken off the role. There is a great deel uv Spartan virchoo in the Corners. Another trouble okkurred with Smith Peyton. He come and claimed to be put down ez bein entitled to a penshun. "But yoo served in the Fedrel army," objectid Issaker. "Troo," sed Smith, "but I desertid, and hev votid the Dimekratik tik- ket without a scratch ever sence." His case wuz taken into considerashun, and it wuz finally decided that his name shood be entered. With these triflln excepshuns, everything wuz harmonious. X And that every citizen uv the Corners, exceptin Pollock and Big- ler, wuz in the Confedrit servis, either ez a actooal soljer, or in sum way engaged in promotin its interests. We shel insist, to put us on a com- plete ekality with the Fedrels, that these penshuns shel date back to the beginnln uv the war, and intrest shel be compounded from that date to this. Also each one shel hev the same land grants, and all the addishnel pay that the Fedrels hev receeved. Likewise, inasmuch ez the Confedrit money wuzn't good for nothin, that each Confedrit soljer shel receeve pay for the entire time he wuz in the Confedrit servis, the same ez I^'edrel soljers, with an addishnel allowance to make up for the InsuiRshent ra- shens he receeved while In the feeld. The effeck upon the Corners is miraculous. Eascom is so certin uv the eleckshun uv Hancock and the payment uv these claims that he hez opend a system uv cCedit, and the Corners is gittin now all the likker it wants. Will the Dlmocrisy uv the North disappint us? ' Is this golden era to be made a, reality or will they permit the eleckshun uv Garfield and set us back where we wuz? 1 cannot bleeve it. Kentucky will do its hull dooty for Plancock. PBl'ROLEUM V. NASBY, (Jubilant). THE CEOSS EOADS EATIFY THE NOMINATIONS. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), July 30, 188Q. We put off the ratlficashen uv the DImocratic nominees till this late day, for two reasons., viz — we wantld to wait till somebody had tapped 'Ths Namt Lxttsm. "889 his bart bo that the ra.tli5ea«hen eooA go oft with eome eclaw, and, eec- Bnd, we hed to wait till Baecora got a fresh barl uv Ukker from Ijools- vllle. Yoo oan't ratify a Dlniocratlo nomlnashen here on a half barl, and |hev eny enthoosiai^in manifested. It ain't our style. We held the ratlficashen last nlte. The meetin-house hed bin dekoratid by the patriotic wimmln uv the Corners in the most gorgeous stile. The two candlesticks on the pulpit wuz furnished by Miss Melindy Pogram, bein made from the thigh-bones uv Fedrel hirelins wich perished, justly, at Andersonville ; the hammer yoosed by the cheerman wuz the shin bone uv a nigger wich went up at P'ort Filler, and the Ccnfedrlt flag wuz taste- fully draped over portrates uv Ginral Lee, Jefferson Davis and other he- roes, who gave theirselves to the coz uv the sunny (now solid) South. I commenst proceedlns by remindin the awjence that this wuz a solium occashun. For the fust time for many yeers.the Dimocrisy uv the coun- try hed a chance uv suooeedin in their effort to do jestis to the suffrin South, or ruther the suffrin South hed a opportoonity uv doin jestis* to theirselves. We hev every earthly chance to succeed, and ef we don't it is our fault. There is no more disfranchisement — no matter how long a patriot servd in the Confedrit army, he kin vote jest the same a tho he hed servd in the Fedrel army. It is troo we hev bin obleeged to nomin- ate a Fedrel soljer, but that shood be no objeckshun. Ef he fit on one side he hez votld on the other with commendable Tegulafity, and it is time that the South berried sich ishoos. For one, I hed forgiven Gen. Hancock for drorin his sword on the wrong side. I forgive him, and shel vote for him, even if he wuz agin us. I earnestly hoped that his bein a Fedrel sol- jer wood not be held agin him, but that the solid South would show its generosity by a broad and, comprehensive forglvnis. Deekin Pogram said that it wuz a bitter pill for one wich hed lost his niggers, and whose fences and perLaters hed bin taken by Ginral Morgan, and wich the Fedrel government hed refoosed to pay for, to vote for a Fedrel ginral. It ruther riled him to vote for any man wich hed ever wore the bloo. But ef it wuz nessary to do so in order to ketch enuff Northern votes, he s'posed he shood hev to submit. He did submit, and wood publicly say that he forgave Ginral Hancock for bein in the Fedrel army. It wuz the dooty uv the South to forgive, because we want jes- tis done us. We want our brave soljers penshund, we want the losses in- flicted onto us by a crooel and ur/justiflable war paid, and while it will do the present generashun some good, we want Seceshuii Crik slack-watered. If to do all this requires the eleckshun uv a Northern soljer, so be it. With the understandin that Hancock repents his vandalism, the Deekin exprest hisself ez willin to vote for Hancock. English hez nothin to re- pent uv. Issaker Gavitt sed he took a, broader vew uv the nomlnashen. He hed assendid a higher plane, and knowd ho South, no North, no East, no West. He wuz for the hull kentry. The North wuz rich, the South wuz poor. The North loved to accoomulate property, and the South to spend it. The North paid taxes, the South didn't. He wood proudly appeal to any one present to-nlte ef he ever paid any taxes 'ceptin. Incidentally, »the ac- cursed tax on llkker, and that wuz mostly evadid by gittin our supplize uv the mooi shiners. Wat folly then for the Comers, wich wants a cus- tom house, a ship canal, and improvement uv Seceshn Crik, and a dozen other things which will take from the North a, million uv dollars, and dis- tribbit it down here, to stop to inquire what color the nominee uv the 340 3?HB JTasbt Letters. ) Dimekratic party wore doorln the late unholy war. When he thot ^^ them appropriashens he wuz ready to consider the crooel war over. Whei he considered that the South wuz the Dimekratic party, and^ that ^ who ever took a nomlnashen at its Rands gave a mortgage on hlsself in fa vor uv the South, he shood hate hisself ^f he hedn't the sense to give hln his support. He wantid pay for the property wich the Confedrits tool when they wuz ragin thro Kentucky, and he wantid appropriashens Consekently he took a broad, statesman-like vew uv the matter, anc shood vote for Hancock jist the sanie ez tho he hed bin ez good a Confed rit ez Lee hisself. He forgave him from the bottom uv his heart. Ginj ral Hancock coodent help it. Kernel McPelter remarkt that In vew uv the necessity uv hevii Suthern soljers penshund and Suthern losses made good, likewise uv hev! In some sort uv controle uv the labor uv the slaves wich the infamus LinH kin unconstitooshenelly freed, he wuz wlUin to forgive the nominee ui the Dlmocratic party for barin arms agin the South. But he felt tha suthin wuz doo the South, suthin uv a soothln nacher. The South wu; proud, and to constantly remind her uv her humiliashen wuzn't jist thi thing. He wood sejest to Hancock that, Inezmuch ez the South forglvei him, that he drop the title uv ginral, and ha spoken uv hereafter ez sim ply Mr. Hancock. Shoorly no man wich wood take a nomlnashen at thi hands uv the DimocrlSy' wood want to retain a title won by fightin agii that party. He hed no doubt that our nominee wood see the propriety u'| this act uv jestis the minit it wuz sejEstld to him. The meetln ' then endorsed the nominees, tho hlntin that the soone Mr. English opened his barl the sooner the Corners wood feel like beln en thoosiastic. Another resolooshen recitid that while ther wuz. no questioi that Samuel J. Tilden wuz defraudid out the. Presidenj cy, yet this persistent refoosle to send money t Kentucky to aid in a Dimekratic trl imph mitigated our greef, and wooi flnelly eradlkate it. It wuz hard yellin fraud dry-lipped. The paper cori talnln the platform hed bin lost, anj we didn't know wat it wuz. I made no difCerence, however, for Issaker Gavitt moved that it be hartil: endorsed, and that the Corners acceptid it ez the soundest kind of souni Dimocrisy. And then we adjoui'ned to Bascom's,' the likker bein charge up to the Dimekratic central committy. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (with prjspex uv agin signin hisself P. M.) P. S.— We are gittin on delitetully with the work uv fllin claims £o penshuns for servls to the Confedracy. We hev claims in for every livl citizen uv the Corners, and now are bizzy flxin up papers for the fair Hies uv slch ez hev died doorin the last fourteen years. Mirandy Pograi, hez jist filed her claim for the time spent In carvin the thigh bones uv thi Pedrel soljers Into candlesticks. I shel send it on with the rest. P. S. No. 2. — The Corners hez jist receeved a staggerin blow. I he jist receeved a latter from Louisville statin that no money will be ser to the Corners, eZ it is considered shoor for Hancock anyhow. Bascom t( wunst'Closed down on our likker, and the utmost consternashen pervalei The prinsipple citizens hev determined to go to-wunst to Injeany, Insti xrv puttin it off to the middle uv August, ez wuz designed. We hev g( to go there to vote, anyhow, and we may ez well commence makln ei keep us now ez to put it off. They hev got to hev us, and ther Is no sens in grazin on barren pasters when ther is a Injeany flowin with milk an The Nasbt Letters, 341 honey jlst across the river. I hev packed my other^ shirt— I horrered It from a line last nite— and shell start to-morier. Ez about thirty -will go, Bascom drops a sigh uv releef.' He won't get rid uv so much Hkker, hut he will save a great deal uv time In hookkeepin. He is furious, tho, at the ccmmitfy for not makin the Corners a battle-field. P. V. N. THE TfiOUBLB AT GOVEENOR'S ISLAND. Governor's Island. (Wich is in the State uv Noo York), Aug. 6, 1880. , The noosepapers are full uv aA akkount uv General Hancock's faintin In the presence uv two delegashuns viricb called on him. The troo histry uv the case is this: We hev a electric arrangement from the ante-room where I stand, to the GeneraJ's rooms. There are 60 keys marked with the states and the ; shades uv opinyun wich make up th? Dimekratic party. Thus one Is marked "Noo York — hard money," another "Loozeaner — secesh," and so on. My dooty is to admit only one party at a time to see the General, and "to notify him In advance wat principles the visltin party perfesses, that our candidate may make no mistakes. For instance, ther comes a man from Pennsylvany. It Is my dooty .to find wat his noshe'ns are on the tariff. I ask him, to begin with, how trade is. He ansers "Bully." Then I say, "How does the present tariff work for you?" He sez "Bully" wunst more, and then I know all about it. He is interestid in manufacters, and is a high tariff man. Then the matter looks comparatively simple. I fetch a. key wich is marked. "Pennsylvany — tariff," and send him into the presence, and Gin- eral Hancock knows eggsackly wat to say to him, and he sez it, and sends hiiii away happy. Ef the visitor Is from Illinoy, and happens to bd a free trader, a key is fetched" so labeled, and the Gineral also knows wat to say to him. The same rool applies to all visitors. We hev ez many keys ez there are shades uy opinyun In the party. It rekires a gigantic intellect to keep the run uv em, and that Is why I okkepy that responsible poslshun. Uv course I make mistakes occasion^ly, for no man kin keep the track uv sich diversity uv prinsiple. I did tech the key marked "War Dimekrat," for a, secesh major from Looseaner, and he come out in a towerin rage, at bein . informed by the Gineral that he shood never be sat- Isfled till every man wich bore arms in the Confedracy hed passed away,' that we mite hev. peace, and It wuz a mistake when I teched the key markt "Confederacs" and sent I.i a Wisconsin farmer which hed hed two sons killed at Antletam. The old man didn't like to be told that Con- fedrit soljers shood hev the same penshuns ez the Northern hirelins, v.-ich invaded the South so brootally. But the trouble referred to okkurred yesterday. There came a dele- gashen uv wide-hatted men from Maine and Injeany, wich wantid to con- sult the Gineral ez to his vews on the grate question uv onlimited green- bax, and jist at the same minit ther come a. delegashen from the city uv •Noo York wich wuz a goin to demaiida expreshn ez to honist money. I insistid that but one delegashun shood go in at a time, and ez the "Injeany men wuz neerest the door, I fetched the soft money key, and asked em in. The hard money men hustled em aside, and thlnkin they 342 The Kasbt Letteks. wood push In first, I tetohed the hard money key. This demoralized the General, and to add to the horror uv the accident they both pushed past ine, and rushed in all together. ' Then a. scene ensood wich baffles descripshen. "Wa-t we want to know," sed the spokesman uv the Injeany and Maine delegashen, "is, in the event uv yoor eleckshun, Is the kentry to hev oullniitld money and consekent prosperity?" The general turned pale and looked at me Implorlnly. He wuz not ekal to the emergency, but I wuz. 1 whispered in his ear, "faint." and seezed him in my arms. Takin the hint, he drawd a long sigh, and fell out uv his cheer, sensells, to all appearances. "Gentlemen," sed I, "our noble candidate hez bin overworked and na- cher aserts herself. Will yoo please retire while I briilg him to?" They went out, and the gineral got up. "Are they all gone?" he asked. "They are all gone," sed I. "Ther-must be a new plan fixed," sed he. I can't keep on faintin in this way till the first uv November. The next time this happens I shel faint In ded ernest, and it will be no sham." Wat we she! do I don't know. It wuz sejestid that our candidate take ah extendld European trip, but ef he does that we lose the efEeok uv hia superb face and figger, wich is' wat we nominatid him for. Ef we keep him here and yootilize that, we run the risk uv havln him talked to, wich is fatle. ( We hev the matter under consultashen now, but hev not bin able to come to any conclooshen. I wish to Heaven I cood be a keeper for Garfield. His man hez a' soft thing uv it. The cussid Republlkins hevn't but one set uv opinyuns, and ther ain't no trouble about that. Garfeeld's doorkeeper he sets and admits everybody, without askin no questions, and hez nothln watever to do ceptin to say, "Walk in, gentlemen." And they go in and Garfeeld talks to all uv em, and ther ain't no rows, and no financeerin, nor nc no thin. It requires more enpneerin to be a Dlmekrat. We hev too extensive a set uv prlnsiples, and they require to grate a straddle to kiver em all. I wish to heaven the first uv November wuz here. This kind uv a thing is altogether too wearin on a, not overstrong constitooshen. "PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Eggshaustld). THE SOUTH'S FUJSJDAMENTAL PEIJSfCIPLE. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), August 14, i880. The Corners hev bin consultin. Not doin any plantin or hoein, anc consekently not bein bothered with any reapin, we hev plenty uv time tc run the guvernment. That wuz wat give the South its ipre-emlnenoe ii the old times. Hevin niggers to do all the work, we cood give our hul minds to poker, hoss-racin and govei-nmelnt, while the scrimpin Nofltl wuz botherin itself with bildin ralerodes and factrles and sich other be llttlin pursoots. Them wuz halcyon days and we perpose, the Lord beli wlUin, to hev em back agin. The result uv our consultashen may be briefly statld. Wat we wan is to wipe out all the remalnln signs uv the late onpleasantnis, and gi back to the old harmony and accord uv the yeers afore 18oo. We want t' The Nasby Letters, 343 plow up the battle feelds, to develop the good old brotherly feelin, and claspin our hands across the differences wlch onfortoonitly divided us, be wunst more wun In sentiment, wun in feelin, wun in interests, all under one flag. To do this, uv course everything must be sot back eggsackly where it wuz. So long ez any vestiges uv the results uv the war are visible, uv course we shel be reminded that there wuz a war, and then our harts will be fired, and the ugly feelin will come up. This is about the terms the Corners will be compelled to demand. 1. That ther may be no onpleasant remembrances of thel great struggle left, Afrikin slavery shel be re-established, with the chance given the South uv extendin the institooshen to the Chinese and poor whites, wich wuz wat_ we intendid afore the war. 2. To placate the South, wich hez hed its feelins hurt, the gineral gov- ernment shel pay for all the niggers liberated wich can't be found, with a sootable compensashun for the time uv those emancipatid by the feend Ijnkin. 3. Ez a proper thing to attach the South to the Yoonyun, and restore proper feelin, the gineral government shood to-wunst pay all losses sus- tained by the South doorin the war, no matter by which side inflictld, and not lookin too thunderin close into the claims wich may be presentid. 4. That no vestige uv bitternis may remane— that the last root may be dug out — penshuns shood be paid by the gineral government to South- ern soljers in the servis uv the Confedracy, datin em back to the close uv the war, the same ez Fedrel soljers. 5. That the South may feel a proper interest In the guvernment, ther shood be inoggeratid a very expensive system uv internal improvements in the South. To make it perfeckly shoor this system must inclood the slaek-watrin uv Seceshn crik, the bildin uv a gorgeous custom-house and postoffls at the Cross Rodes, with sich other improvements ez from time to time we may decide we want. 6. To clinch the continyood allegiance uv the South, all these pay- ments shood be made in government bonds bearin interest at the rate uv eight per cent, to be known as the "Coiislliashen Series," wich makes it shoor that the South will never secede till they hev spent ther bonds any- how. It wood prevent both seceshn ez well ez repoodiashen, and wood go a great ways toward holdin the South to the old flag. No Southerner wood think uv secedin with a government bond in his pokkit. These are the main pints. Uv course it wood be naterally understood that the Dimocrisy shood hev a cleen majority in both House uv Conaris, and that the President, ef he is a Northern man, shel be in sympathy with the opprest South, and shel agree to sign without question any bill wich the Congris shel pass. We shel not insist that the name uv the government shel be changed to that uv the "Confedrit States," for we don't want to offend our breth- ren uv the North wlch will be payin intrest on our bonds. The Corners make no appeal to the good feelin uv the North, but only to their selflshnis. Ef the North wants to consiliate us, now is the chance. Ef the North wants peece and harmony it hez now a golden op- portoonity. "We admit we wuz beet in war, and hev been beet in votin, but if we git back all that we lost by the war, with enuff added to make 'up for our feelins beln hurt, we forgive em. We are a forgivin race, and magnanimus ez well. Wat we want is peece, and the meens uv livin in peece. 3i4 The Nasby Letters. will the North embrace this opPi^rtunlty, by electin Hancock, or -will It perpetooate the old feelin by makin. Garfeeld President? That is the question wich every Northern man must anser for hisself. We uv the South shel deposit our votes for Hancock and Peece, and shel shoot thro the kidneys every man in the Southern states wlch is' not in akkord -with us. We must hev peece. PBTROliEUM V. NASBY, (Peece Maker). ME. NASBY SETTLES TEOUBLE IN THE CAMP. . (jovernor's Island, (Wich is in the State uv Noo York),'" Aug. 23,-1880. Yistferday wuz the most eggscitin time we hev hed on the Island.' I hev bin in many a. tite place in my life, but never in so tite a one ez this. It wuz a close time when I desertid from the Loosianer Pellkins, and wiiz bein shot at by the Pellkins from behind, and the Fedrels from the front, wich is the normal condition uv a Northern Dimekrat, and I wuz in some trouble when I wuz president uv the Onlimltid Trust and Confidence com- pany, and wuz pursood by a infooii .tedTmob, but them escapes pale into insignificance compared with wat I u.idergoed ylsterday. It wuz the day we set apart, Hancock and me, to receive delegashjuns, wich we do wunst a week. This is alluz our tryin day, and I hev to be in Qinral Hancock's room to assist hirn. He is very much in need uv a states- man, and I serve him in that capassity. The delegashuns come all to-wunst, and ther wuz a purty mix. The fust that got awjence v/uz from Injeany. The chairman remarkt that his devoshun to Dlmocrisy and his admi- rashun av Genral Hancock, our standard-bearer, wuz sublime. He pledged Injeany to the nominee, by a very 1 irge majority, onless our trends in Kentucky disappoint us, wich they wood not. But he come to lay before the President that Is to be, the vews of the Dimocrisy uv Injeany, showin viat Dimocrisy is In that state. Wat the Dimoorisy uv Injeany wantid wuz a to tie destruckshen uv the Nashnel banks, and an onlimlted ishoo UV greenbax by the general government. The Dimocrisy uv Injeany, ez one man, demandld flat money, and they all wantid uv it. The gineral remarkt that he hedn't hed time to give much attenshun to the question uv finance, but he hed no doubt that the Injeany poUsy wuz the correct thing. He pledged hisself, ef elected, to devote some spare afternoon to the study uv finance, and hed no doubt uv his doin the right thing. The Noo York delegashun remarkt that they hed a word to say ez to wat Dimocrisy wuz. Dimocrisy in Noo York meant a gold basis, and the contlyooance uv the nashnel banks, and no flat money. Fiat money meant repoodiashen, rooln — The Injeany man remarkt that ha'd be dam ef any bloatid bondholder wlch hed got rich off the labor uv the boundin West shood dictate to him. Ef the Dimocrisy wanted Injjany they must come to Injeany's IJee. The Noo Yorker retortid that no Injeany repoodlashunist shood dictate to the Dimocrisy uv Noo York. Ginral Hancock remarkt that ez he hed sed afore, he hedn't given the subject that keerful attenshun wlch its importance demands, but — The Pennsylvania dedegashun broke in. Wat the Dimocrisy us Penn'^ The Nasby Letters. 345 sylvany wantld and must hev wuz a high pertective tariff, and with- out it— Ginral Hancoclc remarlct that he hed never given the tariff cfliestion any attention, but ez soon ez he got thro with naf;hnel bankin and finance, after the eleckshun, he wood study It. He hed alreddy procured all the nessary books on the subjick. The Illinoy delegashun swore that they wood heV no tariffs. Dimoc- risy meant free trade, and no graspin monopolists shood come here in the name uv Dinjocrisy, and — Teers wuz fiUin the glnral's eyes, when I interfered. It wuz high time, for ther wuz six more delegashuns to speak, all from different parts uv the kentry, and I foresaw wat a terrible season ther wood be ef oil wuzn't poured onto the troubled waters. "Gentlemen," said I, "a word ef you please In season. Tou are all, doubtliss. good Dimekrats, but yoo ain't none uv yoo got the proper no- shun uv wat Dirapcrisy reely does mean. Dlmocrisy is a comprehensive wprd, and kivers a great deal uv ground. Our Injeany friend wants 'on- limited money — he may cherish his noshun and still be a. good Dlmekrat. Our Noo Tork frend wants hard money— he shel cherish his beleef. The Ginral .and me hev no dejeckshuns. Likewise ez to the tariff and free trade. There is room for all, and plenty to spare for all other beleefs. "But the primary, central controllin ijee uv Dlmocrisy is postoffis. That is the central sun — the great insplrin Ijee, wlch swallers up and drowns out all the rest. For t-wenty long yeers we hev bin fastin, with the govern- ment granary in full vew, and it is a time to put an end to it. Wat is a tariff compared to our holdin the puss strings uv the nashen? Wat is the tariff question ez compared with the custom houses and the furrin mish- uns? Ginral Hancock may not be learned on these questions, but he knows enuff to sign his name to commishns, and that Is the fust rekisit uv a pimekratic President. "We are perfeckly willin that yoo shel hev yoor difflrences, but in the intrest uv postofHs we wood sejest that yoo defer any menshun uv em till aftef' eleckshun. Then the Oinral and me are perfeckly willin that yoo shel flte over em yoo choose. It will then be a matter uv perfeck indif- frence to us wat Dlmocrisy meens. Possibly, when each uv yoo goes home with his commishn in his pocki{, you will be able to see things dif- frent, and these questions won't look so important to yoo, ez they do now. "Wat Dlmocrisy wants is success. We want the postoffises, and the other places. Prinsipple is a mighty good thing to talk about, but post- offis is, the end we are aiming at. "Gentlemen, go home. Advokate in yoor respective localities wat- ever polisy will git the most votes, and when we hev cast anker in the harber uv success, and we hev the froots uv victry safely hived, there will be time enufC to discuss these triflln matters. Let our watchword be ev- erywhere, "Hancock and a postoffis!"' The little speech hed the desired effeck, for every man uv em realized the fact that he cood never git a smell uv a place under anybody but Hancock, and every one uv em pocketed his platform, and all agreed that i hed presented the matter in a statesmanlike way. Likewise ^very man uv em coincided with Ginral Hancoc"<'s views on the leadin Ishoos that hed bin menshund, and pledged him their harty support. It's a great thing to be a statesman. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Pacificator). 346 The NAhsy Letters. -I ME. KASBY MAKES A SPEECH WHICH CAUSES TROTJBLBi ' Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in tlie State uv Kentucliy),. August 27, 1880. 1 sigh ez did the late Henry A. Wise, uv Virglnny, for a kentry In ■wich ther aint no noosepapers. Noo&epapers hev bin the cusp uv Dimoc^ risy, and the one thing that stands in our way. Noosepapers and free skools are wat kills the Dimekratic party. They can't git along together| nohow. "Wat the Dimocrlsy wants Is a seckshum in wich ther aint no noosepapers, ceptin them wich is published by authority, and whose con- tense are soopervlsed by a. cominitty before publicashen. Two weeks ago we hed a meetin at the Cross Roads, to reconsll'e a difference that had onfortoonitly sprung up in the ranks uv the Dlifiocrisy.j The trouble wuz this: The Corners hed ishood Its bonds to bild a, court hause and a marklt house and other improvements, wich Bascom hed took, he bein the priri-* ciple capitalist. He hot em up at about 10 cents on the dollar, and holds to em to-day. Now comes the trouble. The citizens uv the Corners don't want to pay the bonds at all. They hold that they hev the bildins, but that ther^ is some legal flaw in the contrack, wich don't compel em to pay, and thej perpose to take advantige uv it. Immejitly there wuz a split among the citizens. Them wich holds the bonds Insists that suthin shood be paid onto em, and them wich don'1 hold em, but wich hev to pay taxes, insists that they shan't pay anything' The question hez gone into poUitix and the result is two tikklts liable to be nominatid and the Dimekratik party dividld. It wuz my dooty to prevent this, and I called the Corners togethei and made a speech to em. I hed the meetin-house dekorated the same es I alluz do on important occashuns. I hed on the pulpit the skulls uv th< Fedrel soljers from Bull Run, the thigh bone uv the Fedrel soljer starveo at Andersonville, and the skeleton uv the nigger killed at Fort Filler. "Friends," sed I, "in the presence uv these reliks I implore yoo ti, pause. Wat is bonds, wat is taxes,, compared to a. Dimekratic triumf? Toi are quarrelln over purely lokle Ishoos. Before yoo divide and endanger Dimekratic triumf, consider wat Lee wood hev done, wat Jackson woo< hev done hed they bin in yoor places. Remeniber that the principles wi are fitin fur to-day are the principles they fit for, that the idees underly in the Confedracy did not die with the surrender uv Lee, but that they ar{ in eggsistence now, and that this eleckshun decides whether the South ol the North triumfs." I went on in this way an hour, and Anally g:ot the people satisfied t settle the matter without any trouble, and went home feelin good. Now wat happened? There happened to be present that nite a cousl| uv a farmer in the neighborhood, who is the edetor uv~a Radlkel paper i Injeany. ' That feend took down in short-hand my entire speech, and ti sent It to his paper in Injeany, and published it in full, with illustratioik uv the bones uv the Fedrel soljers, and everything connectid with tlT meetin. And the Republikin press uv the North Is usln it to show tha the old rebel sperit ain't ded yit. This Is what bothers me. What rite hez that man to send a speec North that wuz Intendid solely foi' the South? The Nasbt Letters. ' 347 I didn't want that speech pubHsht In Injeany. It wuz Intendld for Southern consumpshun only. It wuz made tor the Corners, and for the Corners only. It Is a trubble with Dlmocrlsy that yoo hev to hev speeches tor every different lokallty. Ef I make a speech at the Corners I don't want It sent up into Injeany or Ohio, and red there, for Dlmocrlsy at the Comers and Dlmocrlsy in the North Is two distink things. I don't know ez it will do me eny good to deny It, ez Wade Hampton ^oes, for the cussld speech wuz reported in full and Is kerrect. But it is taisln blazes with us. It is beln yoosed to show that we uv the South hev not lost eny uv our old ijees, and the worry uv it is that it does showthat very thing. Hereafter when I make a speech 1 shell be shoor that ther ain't any re- porters or noosepaper men present, oeptin such ez are in our interest. Hereafter I shel hev the report uv my speeches revised by myself afore they are printed, and I shel know wher they are goin. Then things will be safe. This trouble hez worried me more than any- thing doorin the campane. ,, PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (in trouble). ME. NASBY cm EECONCILIATION AND GOOD FEELING. Confedrlt X I^ads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucliy), Sept. 4, 1880. The South hez, probably, the most forgivinest and placable people on the face uv the known earth. While the South is feerfully high strung and sensitive, its people are ]the most reasonable in' the world, and the easiest fetched by a sense uv wat is jestis. Jestis is the Southern man's best holt. If ther's any diffrences uv opinyun betwixt ,the North and the South, it is entirely the fault uv the North. The North is made up uv a stubborn, bnreasonable people, and its course toward the South hez bin marked by a brootality that is past beleef. All the trouble that hez ensood, from the beginnin, hez bin commenst by the North, continyood by the North, and, ef it is eternal, the North hez it to anser for. When the South wantid to extend slavery over the territories, the trouble begun. To hev stopped it then wood hev bin an easy thing. All the North hed to do wuz to withdraw its opposishen, and let the South b-lone. When the North nominatid the feend Linkin the South pertestid. Ef the North hed.heedid that pertest, and let Breckenridge hev gone in, all trouble wood hev bin avoidid. When the South pertestid agin the rane uv Linkin and flred upon Fort Sumter, the North cood hev avoidid enragin the South by lettin uv em alone. But ez ef bent upon trouble, it raised armies and opposed the South. Doorin the bloody and fratricidle struggle the South wuz willin at my time to end it, but the North wuz in the way. It refoosed to lay down its arms, and finally the hoomiliatid South hed to submit. Even at this late date the South is still willin to forgive, even If it lan't forget. The way is simple. All the North hez got to do is to repair the dam- ages done by its hard-heartidness and stifE-neckednis. Let Garfeeld be 348 The ^asby Leti'ers. withdrawn from the feeld to-wunst, and let Hancock hev a walk-over. Uet the South control the government ez it yctost to. There can't be no troo Yoonyuu s i long ez there are seckshunal lines. ' Let secltshunal lines be obliterated by mergin the North into the South, by wipin out the North entirely. Bf there ain't no North, .there kin be nothin to fite about.* With the entire North in yoonlty with the entire South, there wood be sioh a. harmony ez wood make angels weep. We shood hev no more dispoots, and the South wood administer tlie government to its own satisfaction, and hev nuthin watever to complane uv. We want yoonity and wat I hev I idicated is the certin road to it. Let the North make a immejit oommensement. Let it abandon Gar- feeld and turn all its forces to Ilan ock. Give us back our niggers, and give us sioh approprlashens ez we need. For the further sekoority uv the South establish the ddctrine uv States' Rites, and giv the South the full swing it yoosed to hev. We are tired uv this everlastln ill-feelin, this unbrotherly bad blood that hez eggisted so long. Do away with it. I pledge my life and my sacred honor that tha South will I^ury the hatchet, and never resurrect it, ef^all that she wanta now, and sioh things ez she may deside she wants hereafter, is given to her. Bf ther is any more bad blood the North is cleerly responsible for it, Bz a proper starter for a complete reconsiliashen I wood perpose a re^ union uv the soljers uv the North and Sauth, to be held on the feeld uv tha first Bull Run. The reunion- shood be puesided over' by Jefferson Davis, and the committees shood be made up uv the survivln ginerals uv the Con- fedrit army. The grounds shood be decoratld with the flags uv the Confed- rit regiments wich made the most honorable record, and Wade Hampton shood be the prinsiple orator. This T,ood be a glorious opportoonity for the South to show its forgiveuis, and the North to show Its repentance. Wat I want is a, heelin uv the old sores, and a wipin out uv the old bit- ternisses, and I knw uv notliin that wood so soothe the Southern sole, and do so nruch toward quenrhin the smolderin fires wich Northern arro- gance hev kept alive at the South. PBTROLBUM "V. NASBY, (Pacificator). P. S. — I wish Hancock wuz a trlle more uv a man than he is. He's got opinyuns enuffi, but he's got nioi-e opinyuns than he hez noUege. He ain't heavy in proporshen to the part wich nominated him. I find it thun- derin hard work to sing a, long-metre hymn to a, short-metre toon. But T' suppose ef he is electid he will learn suthin about governmental matters."' Anyhow the kentry may depend upon it that he will alluz hev me to loan onto. P. V. N. THE NEWS FKOM MAINE AERIVES. Governor's Island, (Wich is in the State uv N'oo York), Sept. 15, 1880. Glnral Hancock and me heard uv Maine this mornin. We rejoiced. Ginral^ Stinger, uv Mississsippi, who served under Lee from the time that grate man took command uv the Contedrit forges to the final surrender ftt Appomattox, wuz affected to teers. The ^asby Letters. 349 "Thank God," sed he, "for Maine. The country Is safe. Maine itahds up for the Yoonyun." And he and Cyneral Hancock shook hands sollumly, and retired to the next room, wicb they emerged from wlpin ther lips. Patsey O'Shaughnessy, with his voice tremblin with emoshun, remarkt Uiat' ?>Taine heel spoken. He wuz so Joyous over this triumf uv purity that he shojd throw his bar open lo-niffht, and clri7iks wood be free to al! troo Dimekrats in his ward. It wuz too glorious. I telegraft tlie glorious nooze to Deekin Pogram at the Corners, and his anser cuni back quick. "It is ton nmch. Bascom is illuminatid, and we'hev oleened out ev. ery nigger for fife miles. The boys are still at it,'' Gineral Hancock took it with the cam Jmpassivenis uv the soljer. ''The noo7e is glorious," sed he, "we hcv won tho first skirmish, but not ^he final battle. It is time tor deoisite ackshen, for the reel struggle comes off in November. Now is our time. Nasby, git, them (greenback flocuments together, and shove 'em thro Maine. Hev me announst— in Maine — ez In favor uv onlimited greenbacks." Whoso bleeves Hancock isn't a statesman don't know very much. He immejitly sent a, letter to Noo Jersey, inistin on high protective tariff, and another to Injeany holdln that the prosperity uv the kentry demands free trade. Sence the Maine eleckshun Hancock hez woke up, and is dlsplayin. remarkable capacity. I now hev faith in him. ' Money is comin in good. We hev ?200,000 to yoose in sendin Kentuck- lans to Injeany to vote in October, to make shoor uv carryin that state. Uv course ef we carry Injeany, that settles it. The skies is brite. I shel once more hev the postoflis at the Corners. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Jubilant). A PROCLAMATION TO THE DBMOOEAOY. Governor's Island, (Wich is In the State uv Noo Tork), Sept. 20. 1S80. iTo tho Dimoorisy of the Toonited States: We hev lost Maine Our dispatch congratulatin yoo on carryin the jPine Tree state for Plaisted wuz a trifle prematoor. We hev lost it. Me and Gineral Hancock do not underrate the loss, or underestimate the gravity uv the sitooashen. Hence this proclamation. We wuz enetitled to Maine by every considerashen uv commershel jlntegrity, and only lost it by a, series uv the most unblushin frauds that I'shat deemon, Blane, ever perpetratid. We bought the state fairly and paid for it in good, honist money. Our ohareman, Mr. Barnum, did not ask the Greenbackers uv Maine to jtake ther own money, mere promises to pay, but we bought the votes with Isood, legal money uv the Yoonitid States. We paid ez high ez $25 for a single vote, and ther wuz but few uv the llriCorruptible voters uv the state wich we approached wich didn't git $5. After this, to hev Blane count us Out, is a piece uv dishonor equalled sel- :dom in the history uv pollytix. The loss is the more serious for the money we yoosed in Maine we hevn't got to yoose in Injeany,- wich is a still more expensive state than Mane, O-win to the Mane likker l£i.w, we coodent do bar-rooni treetln, but 350 The ^^asby Lettees. I furnisht em likker by the barl, wloh we got at wholesale prices— In In- jeany we are compelled to pay ten cents a drink, wlch largely increases our expenses. To buy a state and then not get it is hart-rendin. We hev wastid our capitle, we hev a defeet to start ofE with, instid uv a viotry, and our calkelashuns is upset entirely. Stll there is no cause for despondency. We &hel yit elect Hancock, for we hev enuff strength in reserve. Let every Dimekrat remember that we hev the solid South, beyond any question, and we don't hev to yoose any money down there. The local committy furnish the powder and shot f or their active electioneerers, and every Dimocrat in th'6 South hez his own shot gun. Ef we cood election- eer in the North ez we do in the South, it wood be much sheeper, but we hev to take things ez they are, not ez we wood like to hev em. We hev the city uv Noo York ez solidly ez we ever did. The fact that many uv our best workers are in thfe penitentiaries uv the state, and that a tiranikle Eepublikin governor won't pardon em out in time to take pact in the fall campane is suthin agin us, but we hev enuff left. The lower wards uv the city are ez enthoosiastlc ez ever, and ther never wuz a more harty yoonyun uv the groseries in our strongholds than now. In Maine the soft-money Dimekrats are workin harder than ever, de. termined to carry the state in November. In Injeany and Ohio the soft- money repoodiators are alive, and in the East the hard-money Dimocrats are at work with a, zeel that promises success. Our high tariff f rends in Pennsylvania and Connecticut, our free-trade brethren in lUinoy all send Words uv good cheer, and the anti-furrin element uv Californy, and the Irish uv Noo York are workin in yoonison. We shel hev Injeany, shoor. We hev enuff Kentuckians in readiness to put into the Suthem part uv the state to wipe out any majority the Northern secshun kin give Garfeeld. They are all ready and eager to git away. Over forty go from the Corners alone, wich is a great releef to Bascom, ez he won't hev to trust em for likker doorin their absence, and they are eager to go, for they will hev free rashens in Injeany till after the election. With our trained squads uv repCBters in Noo York city, and with our skill in countln there, and with our emegrashen from Kentucky into In- jeany, and with wat we kin spare from Noo York to Connecticut and Noo Jersey, we^shel carry all them states, and them, with the South solid, set- tles it. , ■ Ginral Hancock, the superb soljer, and the ardent reformer, is shoor to bo the next President. Dimekrats uv the Yoonitid States, to yoor tents! or rather to your groseries! There is "no cause for despondency. We hev bin beeten on the skirmish line, but we hev only commenst the flte. All there is uv the Mane trouble, we are short jist a hundred thousand dollars, and we hev to go down in our pockets for jist that much more. We implore yoo, in the Interest uv reform, uv purity, uv law and or- der, for the sake uv yoonion and the constltooshen, for the great prinsiple uv free trade, uv a high protective tariff, uv fiat money and uv gold pay- ments, watever yoor pertikeler noshun may be, akkordin to the seckshun yoo happen to live in, to go to work with a will. With Garfeeld In the chair yoo are out uv place for four long, dreeijr veers — with Hancock, the postofiises is ours. To work, then, with a will. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Manager). j| The Nasby Letters. 351 , p. S.— We shood git along better ef English wood give down ez he wuz expectid to. But he won't give a dollar. He is very thrifty, is Eng- llish. He wood hev made a splendid Proddygal Son. Ef he hed taken his share uv his father's etate, he wood hev come back with a, mortgage on all the kentry he went to. Ef he hed struck sich bad luck ez to hev bin compelled to eat husks with hogs he wood hev come home with the hogs, ShOOR P. S. No. 2.— Hancock opposed my puttin in anything about a defeet in Mane. He sez we hev hed all the jollificashen over it, and the Dimoc- [risy beleeve that we hev carried the state. Ez half the party don't never reed, the chances are that that they will never know we didn't carry the state. The Gineral is developln remarkably. P. S. No. 3. — A mortifyin mistake occurred at our literary burow, yls- terday. There wuz a lot uv oampane docyments left over from the cam- pane eight yeers ago, wich wuz sent out by mistake. Among em wuz a pamphlet In wich the great Butler wuz called "Beast Butler." Dimekratic committees receevin uv em will destroy em, ef they kin reed so ez to dis- tinguish em. P. "V. N. ME. NASBYS PATHETIC APPEAL. -Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Sept. 27, 1880. Ef the Dlmocrisy uv the North cood only realize the condishn the Dlm- ocrisy uv the South is in, they wood put on ther armor, and never lay it >oK till the last vote wuz polled. The condishn uv the South is pitiable in the eggstreme, and onless Im- mejit releef Is extended nobody kin be anserable for the consekences. The mountins is full uv distillers, wich is bein huntid by the tiranlkle government. The rites uv the cilizens uv the South to manufakter ther corn into whisky, and sell that whisky without payin any tax onto it is dispootld. Fedrel revenoo agents, backed up by armed men, is a scourin the mountains, and when a moonshiner is caught, his likker is confiscated and his still destroyed. It wood be suthin ef the likker wuz brot down to the villages and distribbited to the citizens, but it is not. The beds uv the barrels are crooelly stove in, and the preshus flooid is drank by the non-appreciative earth, wich hez no bowels that need it. Over 30,000 gallons hev bin thus destroyed within ten miles uv the Cor- ners, this yeer. Think uv the Dlmo^rats that this likker wood hev made! Think uv the comfort that likker wood hev bin to me and Deekin Pogram! But it is lost forever! We want a, Congris that will keep the tax on likker, but we want a President and a Treasury department that will not collect the tax in the South. Ef the tax wuz removed the North wood undersell us, and de- stroy this revenoo, but by makin tha North pay the tax and hevin rev- Inoo officers that wood not collect it In the South, this industry cood be maintained. We want the tax on terbacker repeeled entirely, ceptin on sich varie- ties ez they raise in the North. Our Northern frenda must remember that the heaviest tax we pay is on terbacker, and it bears heavily onto our people. The Impoverished South needs a heep uv nussin, jist now, and this wood be a help for us, only sekkond to a. proper arrangement uv the likker interest. ' 353 The Nasbt Letters. H Then we must hev the offlses. The Democrisy uv the South lost ther labor when the feend and goriller, Linkin, emansipatid the niggers, and the Southern gentleman is altogether too hawty to perform manyool !a- ber hlsself. Next to livin off uv nigger laber, he is adapted to holdin light and easy offlses, where the labor isn't too hefty, and the pay is ample. The offises is all in the hands uv the Radikels now, and we languish. All our interests languish. Not bein postmaster, I hev no money to spend at Bascom's, and he mourns. Not bein collector, McPelter hez bin obliged to put a mortgage on his farm in favoor uv Bascom, wich Bascom don't want, ez he hez to pay cash for his likker in Looisville. We want these places ourselves, and must hev em. , Then we want to be shoor uv bein free from any interference with our system uv labor. We perpose to hev the nigger back to his normel con- dishen in some shape or another, wich we kin nuver do so long ez ablish- nists are at the head uv things in V.ashlngton, and the government is con- trolled by a radikel Congress. Repu" llkin government is a standin, menace to the South. It ain't nessary for me to refer to the payment uv our clames for Ic'sses doorin the war, and the penshunin uv our Confedrit heroes. That is the very first thing to be done, for wat the South needs is capitle. We hev now clames before Congris wich amounts to several billions, and we must hev a Congris wich will pay them clames, and a President wich won't veto the bills. We are sufferin for this money. Deekin Po- gram hez a clame in for a hundred mules that Morgan ceezed, and the poor old man, on the verge uv the grave, wants the money. I hev a clama in for a penshun for servis in the Loozeaner Pelikins, and I wish to- smooth my pathway to the toom. Vfe shant be hard upon the government. We shel want a part uv it cash down, and the balance in bonds. To make the down payment the government kin ishoo greenbax, wich by increesin the voUum uv the cur- rency wood stimoolate trade, and the bonds mite run furever ef Interest wuz promptly paid. Too see we are reasonable. We don't wish to em- barass nobody. Pay these clames, penshun our soljers, and give us sich appropriashens ez we want and the. South will be loyal to the government so long ez it hez a government bond left. Is it likely we'd ever rebel agin a govern- ment on the interest uv whose debt we wuz livin, and wich we con- trolled? There Is but one way uv soothin the Southern hart and pacify- in the Southern soul. Dimekrats uv the North, to you we appele. Too see the fix we are in. Ef a Southern planter cood go to work like a Northern farmer. It wood be different. We mite then rekooperate ourselves. But it can't be did. We are a proud, governin, roolin race, and must be cared for ez sich. It wuz the North that took away our niggers, end the North must take ther place. The South holds out Its hands to yoo. See that we are not disap- plnted agin. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Manager for Hancock). P. S. — Bascom hez jist returned from Injeany where he went to see the Dimekratlc state committee to see ef he coodent endoose em to send some money Into Kentucky. English sternly refoozed, but sed he shood pay such Kentuckians ez come to Injeany to vote, liberally and even gen- erously. Bascom didn't like It. Wat good is Democrisy to him, he sez, The Nasbt Iiettebs. 353 ef they don't send money to where he Is? He sez he can't go over to In- Jeany and start a bar. He woodent vote for English ef he cood help It. P. V. N. ME. NASBY'S APPEAL TO OHIO AND INDIANA. Confedrlt X Roads; (Wlch is In the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 6, 1880. I ara here on a furlo from our glorious leeder, General Hanooclc, to at- tend to some privit biznis, but I Idn spealc from here ez well ez from Guv- nor's Islajid. It Is to the Dimoorisy uv Ohio and Injeany that I address myself. , Too hev a terrible fite afore yoo next Toosday. The enemy uv ekal rites is up in arms, and are makin a desperate struggle for possession uv them states. It is the preliminary flte in the grate Presidential battle, and wlohever side wins goes Into the general engagement with a percen- tage in ther favor. Will the Dimoorisy uv them states consider the sltooashen we are In, and wat we want? We want a Dlmekratic President and a Dlmekratlc Congris, so that we uv the Cross Roads kin hev Seoeshn Crick slack-watered, a ralerode but to Se'iessionville, and a plank rode to Davlsville, at the expense uv the glneral government, to create a biznis here. We want a Dimekratic President and Congris so that Confedrlt X Roads kin hev a postoffis and custom house to do the biznis that the sys- tem uv Internal improvements contemplatld will perdoose. We want a Dimekratic Congris wlch will keep the tax on whisky, and a Dimekratic President wlch will appint revenoo offlsers that won't collect the tax in the South, so that we kin successfully compete with North- ern distillers, and encourage that Industry in the mountains uv the South. We want a Dimekratic Congris that will pay Suthem war clames, and a Dimekratic President that won't veto the bills, so that the South may hev wat it most needs, cappytle. We want a Dimekratic administrashen that will penshun the Suthem heroes wich fit for ther leeders* idees so that Bascom shel be able to git pay for the likker he sells. In cash, and do away with that cuss uv his biz- nis, bookkeepin. G. W. Is not handy with chalk, and he hez either to do away with the credit system or enlarge the Inside uv his bar-room. He Is now postin his accounts on the Inside uv his barn, wich is his ledger. A leeky roof and a. rainy day wood wash out his entire accounts. We want a Dimocratio Congris that will rip thunder out uv the tariff and let the South, wlch Isn't gifted In manufacters, sell ther cotton in . Europe, and git her goods, wich is made by pauper laber there at pauper , laber prices. The hawty South hez pads triboot to the manufactrln 'i North long enuff. • We want a Dimekratic adriilnlstrashen wlch will not Interfere with bayonets or sich when we pass sich laber laws ez will enable s to git * the nigger wher is wool is short. We must hev cheep laber that we may ^ hev crops and sich. We want a administrashen wich will not Interfere with eleckshuns in th'e South or in the lower wards uv the grate city uv Noo York. In them ^' localities we want a very free ballot. We want no Johnny Davenports to ;[' arrest patriotic citizens beooz in their zeel for purity In government they 354 The Nasby Letters. vote a dozen times at one elec^shun. Patriotism shood be -encurridged. We want a Dimekratlc adrainisLrashen wich will let us re-organize the Soopreme court and make it Democratic, so that we may be shoor that wat a Dimokratic Congris does will to-wunst be pronounst legal and con- stitooshnel. We want a, Dlmekratic administrashen wich will let u§ cut up the Sutfi- ern states so that we shel hold the controle for twenty yeers anyhow, af- ter wich time whisky will hev done its perfeck work on me, and I shel take no more inteiest in poUytix. We want the offises in the South now held by niggers and radikels. These few things we want and must hev and yoo must git em for us. It ain't no yoose to talk about prosperity and the dangers uv a change, Ther can't be any prosperity to a hungry Dimekrat so long ez a radikel holds a offls wich he wants. To talk to Deekin Pogram- about prosperity when the radikel Pollock is coUectOi-, and his farm is mortgaged to Bas- com, is holler mockery. To talk too me about prosperity when that nig- ger Lubbock okkepies the postoflis is wuss than mockery — it is crooelty. Democrats uv Ohio and Injeany, rally for our sakes. Yoo kin hev the postofflses in yoor own states — the South is ginerous. But consider us and rally. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Organizer). P. S. — General Hancock writes me to say to yoo ef after the eleckshun yoo git skeery about a change, thai the Republikins will probably be strong enuff In Congris to hold him back, so ther can't be no danger in electln him anyway. And he sez "throw it out kind o' mildly in Ohio and Injeany that a Dimekratik President may go back on a Dlmekratic platform, and be Jist ez good a Kepublicau ez tho he hed bin a member uv that party." P. S. No 2.— The fust detachment uv Cross Boaders left the Cross Roads yisterday for Injeany, wher they vote next Toosday. English sez he is goin to carry the state In the interest uv a pure and good government ef Kentucky votes cost him $15 a. pie e. He is goin to rescoo the country from the corruptionists at all hazards. P. V. N. ' A HANCOCK PEOCESSION BROKEN UP. Confedrit X Roads, , (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 10, lSi>0. It wuz determined for effect upon the Injeany delegashen to hev a pa- rade uv the Hancock forces in the Corners with banners and torches. We hed a gorgeous percession arranged. It wuz h'eaded by a wagon containin ez many wimmen ez ther wuz states that secedid, with the Confedrit flag a wavin over em. Melindy Pogram wuz holdin the Confed- rit flag, dressed in mournin, typifyin the present condishn uv the South, while Hanner McPelter wuz drest in white, in the act uv lickin a. nigger, showin wat we. hope will happen when Hancock is Anally electid and we get complete controle uv the government. Follerin this allegorical representashen come the citizens uv the Cor- ners, two by two, headid by me, bar.n -torches, with the Confedrit flag a wavln over us in triumph. The percesshun formed in front u Bascom's, and it wuz a perty site to see. Capt. McPelter wuz on Base m's mule actln ez marshal, the wag- on with the wimmen wuz in line, ani everything wuz ready for a start, The Nasby Letters. 355 Ez It took two hours to get the p -rceshun organized, the Dlmocrisy wuz dry, and permlshn wuz askt to b eak ranks to go In and git one sus- taner afore it moved. I refoozed ilrm y, for ef the peroesshun hed ever got into Bascom's it wood hev too c another hour to git em into line agin, and Bascom settled it by rem irkin that no one need go In onless he cood show the money for his drink Just afore he got hold uv the bottle. I give the word and sadly the perceshu moved up the street to the inspirin notes uv "Dixie" and the "Bonnie Bloo Flag," played by a life and two drums. We neered Pollock's store, and wiiz jist on the pint uv givln him three gioans when Joe Bigler appeared. Hi darted up to Issaker Gavitt, and whispered in his ear that ther wuz a. bar! uy noo whisky in the store on tap, and that Pollock wood give the Dlmocrisy credit for likker for jist 30 minits. The effeck wuz magikle. Issaker dropt his torch jist wher he stood and rushed into the store. ^ The feend Bigler hed whispered it loud enufC so that two or three heerd it, and it passed down the line like tellegrafBn. In less than a sec- ond ther wuzn't a soul In the perceshn but me and the wagon, and wat cood I do? I coodent make ^ perceshn all aone, with wun wagon full uv wim- min, and I foUered the last one int j the store with perhaps more alac- rity than dignity. Ther wuz a barrel there, and Bas om and Joe Bigler wuz a drorin out the preshus flooid in tin dippers, and dispensin uv it freely. It is needlls to say that that perc shen never marched agin. It wuz bustid. I coodent git the men into line agin. And then to add to the feendishnis uv these two conspirators, Joe Big- ler hired a rigger on a mule to go in front uv the bosses wich wuz a flrawin the wagon, with a, peck uv oats, wich the bosses smelt, and the nig- ger rode off down a by-street holdin out the basket, and the bosses become uncontrollable and started after them oats. The cussid nigger licked his mule into a gallop, the eager bosses broke into a run, the nigger turned a corner sudden, the bosses, forgettin the preshus load they wuz a drawin, turned the comer sudden also, over went the wagon, and that end uv the perceshun wuz dumped into a ditch. Betwixt the free likker and the peck uv oats the finest perceshn ever , organized in the Corners come to greef. And wat made it wuss, half the voters we wuz goin to send to Injeany got so full thq,t they coodent be carted over to Secessionville in time to take the train for Looisville, and there is jist that number uv votes lost to the Dlmocrisy uv Injeany. A part uv em got off, however, and we hev probably sent enufC to carry the state. Ez English don't send any money into Kentucky, Bascom is goin to start a brancli gi-osery at "some pint in Southern Injeany, till after the November eleckshun. He is an enterprisin man, is Bascom, and he sez ef English's money won't' come to him he will go to English's money. He is bound to hev his divvy some way. PETROLBUM V. NASBY, ^ (P. M. that wuz and is to be.) 356 The Nasbt Letters. ' MR. NASBr INDULGES IN A HOWL OF ANGUISH. Confedrlt X Roads, (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Oct. 15, 1880. The Cross Roads met at the meetin-house the nite after the Octobei eleokshun. It wuz a, pertikelarly gloomy meetin, the most espeshlj] gloomy I hev ever witnest. Melindy Pogram and Hanner McPelter hed spent the entire day in preparln the house for the occashen. They draped the skulls uv the Yoonyun soljers killed at Fort Filler in • five cent bomJ bazeen, folden the Confedrit flag, wich is our pride, in mournin, and run strips uv black caliker all over the house. The pictures uv Jeff Davis an^ Boregard wuz likewise draped, and only two candles wuz put upon the pulpit. The exercises- wuz opened by singin this hymn wich I adapted for th« cccashun: "Plunged in a gulf of deep despair We wretched sinners lay, Tile niggers votid everywhere. Upon eleckshun day." After wich I read em the foUerin WAIL OF ANGUISH. A Dimekratic man is uv few days and very full uv trouble. Ha goeth forth to the polls smilin in the mornin, and returneth at nite full uv wounds and brooses and putrifyin &uies. The Dimekratic party is too short at both ends. It is a harlet that dresses too low in the neck and too short in thr ikirts. It is weak in the middle and no strength abideth at the top or bottom The Lord is agin Democrlsy. In vain we prayed for short crops, and in vain our supplioashens went up for rinderpest and hoof-rot among the cattle on a thousand hills. In vain we implored for a potato rot and potato bugs, or anything else that wood distress the Tank and make him howl for a change. In vain we invoked the aid of the weevil and the Hessian fly, and th( chintz bug, and the army worm, that the husbandman should curse thf administraiion and turn to; us. Lo, the more we prayed for distr'jss the more there wuz prosperity. The crops were good, and the prises therefor bully, and wat kin a Dimecrat do when there is no trouble? We preached hard times, and they shook gold and silver under oui noses. We said to the, laborer, lo, you are oppressed, and he jeered, showifi uv us a savins bank book. The smoke uv the furnace wuz to us the smoke of the torment. The clang uv hammers, and the wheeze uv the engine, wuz our funera knell. We sent Blackburn and other brigadeers to the North, but the people put their tongues in their cheeks and wagged their heads in derisioni We sed lo, we hev a Yoonyun soljer for our candidate. And they ansered, sayin, verily he hez changed his yooniform. They slathered Greely, and they hev cracked Hancock between theii thumb nails. We oftered em free trade, and they ansered sayin, give us a tariff. J We offered em soft money, but they replied, sayin, no soft money ii| ourn. We offered to take the government off their hands, but they sed it wu; doin very well now, thank yoo. Gone is the postofflses, and the custom houses shel never know ui again. Gone Is the hope uv penshuns and the payment uv our war claims. , The Nabbt Letteks. 367 Basoom will either hev to shut shop or foreclcse on our farms. For his chalk is out, and talk is cheep, but likker costs money. The moonshiners will be hunted In the mountains and the dweller on th» plains win go athirst. The nigger Lubbock will continner in the postoffis, and Pollock from Illlnoy will sit at the receipt uv customs. And Joe Bigler will yet be his depitty and vex the people. Wher shel I fly? Wher is the rock that shel hide me? To Noo Jersey? The radikels will keri-y that. I To Delaware? They are reachin out their impious hands for that. To Florida? That will swell the vote for the feend Garfield. To Mississippi? The nigger will vote in that state next yeer, and it will be no place for me. To Arkansas? Ez goes Mississippi so will she. The nigger will vote, and he will ask wages for his labor. And his wife will not -be ourn agin, nor his daughter. We shel not sell em ez paupers to the highest bidder, and they will own land, and mules, and sieh. We shel see skool houses in the South, and preechers, and other abom- inashens. And who kin tell? We may hev rollin mills and slch things in the Comers. For when the shivelry is bustid what is to prevent the Tank with his money from comin down and possessin the land? We are helplis. To beg we are ashamed, and ther ain't nothin here to steel. We coood hev worried along withe the postoflices, but they are gone. In the valley uv the shadder sit we, and ther ain't no ladder by wioh we kin clime out. After weepin an hour the meetln dispersed, and re-asembled sadly at Bascom's. "Give us a drink," sed the Deekin, In a faltrin voice. "Show me yoor money," wuz the onfeelin reply. "I hed ruther keep the likker than to sell it for promises. Gentlemen, cash is the rool from this time out." And ez he wuz inflexible and there wuzn't a dollar in the party, we sot parched to the very entrales. Issaker Gavitt wuz the fust to break silence. "My line uv polisy is cleer. I shell jine the Republikens, and put In for an offis." It wuz ez ef the sun hed risen and wuz a streemin thro the crocks in the ruft. "So will I," sed McPelter. And, they all sed the same thing. I think myself it wood be the best. It is the shortest way to kill the Republikin party. For the Republlkin party to take In the Corners and slch, wood be like a helthy man takin striknin. Somehow every organiza- hen we hev jined hez managed to die with gi-eat dispatch. Possibly this is our way out uv the woods. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Oppressed). ME. NASBY'S TEOUBLB AT GOVERNOR'S ISLAND. Governor's Island, (Wlch is in the State uv Noo York), Oct. 25, 18S0. Instid uv bein In Injeany, battUn with the Dimocrisy agin the trium- fant hosts uv Republiklns, I am here ddin a more important dooty. A residence on the Island, is in some respects, more pleasant than among the Dimocrisy UY Injeany, and in others not so pleasant. 358 The Nasby Jjetters. I hev ray Ilkker reglar, and all I want uv It, for I hev free access t( the genral's sideboard, wich is good, but there is drawbax. I am reqwiret to put on a cleen shirt at least every other mornin and cleen sox is per petooally reqwired. Glnral Hancock is very fastljus about- sich things; My biznis here is to keep Giueral Hancock from talkin to auybod3| wlch is not authorized by Barnum, the Dimekratic manager, and to sei^ that all the letters he writes are submitted to a committy before they ari mailed. Hancock's bein Intervewed, and the letters he writes, hev given us i power uv trouble, and lost us many votes, and the pint is to prever.l him from makin any more uv a ass uv hisself till after the eleckshun. ' Wuns electid, uv course we don't keer, but the pint is to git hln elected. Last nite a terrible accident okkurred, wich well nigh lost me mj place. I visited the sideboard sevral more times than wuz proodent, anc bein fuller than a sentinel on the outposts uv success ought to be, becomi boastful and impoodent. Ther happened in at the time, a half dozei Dimocrats from diffirent --parts uv ths kentry to see Hancock. These wu; the very ones I wuz instructid to keep out, but Ilkker got the best ui me and I boastid uv my power to admit or to keep out all visitors. They tanted me, and remarkt that talk wuz cheep, and sich, and It a moment uv idocy, for wich I can't account, I admittid em one to a time The first wich went In come out with a^ hurrah. "I knowd it," sed he; "I knowd it. Hancock is ez good a free trade ez I want. I hev it from his own mouth. He won't hev no tariff, but w( uv the South may sell our cottyn where we please, and hev our manufak| tered goods without pay in no trlboot to Noo England or Pennsylvany Hooror for Hancock!" Five mlnits after the next one rushed out. "Hooror for Hancocki" he yelled. "I knowd it— I knowd it. He is ej much uv a high tarlfE man ez I want. I got it from his own lips. HJ won't never meddle with the tariff, oriless it is to make it higher am stronger and more protectln. I got it from his own lips. Hooror for Han cock!" And a minit later a man rushed out swearin that Hancock hed Jls ashoored him that he wuz a, Greenbacker, and another that he wuz i hard money man and inflexibly in favor uv nashnel banks, and finely onj come out hoorayin for Hancock becoz he hed declared in favor uv i greater" Chinese imigrashen, and swore that the government wuz In doot; bound to pertect em that we mite hev cheep labor. In twenty minits Ginral Hancock hed committid hisself to every p0| littikle prinsiple known to modern days, and it wuz made public througl iny negligence. A man can't drink whisky and attend to business. He must give hi hull mind to either one or tother. Barnum wuz angry with me, and sei another sich a skip ez that and out I'd go. I didn't blame him, espeshl; ez these fellers all went over to the city and doubtlis are by this time com parln notes. Barnum sed ef he coodant get keepers he cood trust he'( lock Hancock up till after the eleckshun. Nevertheless we hev got to elect Hancock. We hev got to. Wi must. We wuz most everlastlnly whaled in Injeany and Ohio,, but stil we kin elect him. We must elect him, for the life uv the Democratll party depends! onto it. ,| The Kasbt Letters. 359 Ef the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hev to go on for four yeers more, sub- Blstin on husks, and gittln its lilcker on credit, half Its votin strength will hev passed in its chips, and gone into the hereafter. We hev tested our endurance to the last pint, and the strained bow won't hold out any longer. And I ain't shoor but that Hancock's ijee is the rite -one after all. Af- ter his various utteranaes wat kin any Dimekrat find in him that they don't want? Ef they want free trade, they kin hev it. Ef they incline to per- teckshen, they kin be sooted. Ef they want soft money, he is willin, and e( they want nashnel banks and gold, he comes up smilin to that propos- ishen. In short, like his party, he hez a most varigated and picteresk set uv prinsiples, and every shade uv opinyun kin take Its choice. He hez an extensive assortment uv prinsiples, and everybody kin be sootid. 5Vat he wants is to be electid, and wat I want is to hev him electld. Watever may be his noshens on tariffs and sich, I know he is sound on (.pQStofBs, and that is the grate prinsiple we are strugglln for. I shel never consider the kentry safe till that nigger Lubbock's hed, rolls In the sawdust, and I hev my old place in the Postoffls at the Corners. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Hungrin and Thirstln). MR. NASBY UTTERS A PROLONGED AND FEARFUL WAIL. Confedrlt X Roads, (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), November 15, 1880. Gone-up, Physicked, Puked, Played, Scorched, Skinned, Salivated, Kicked, Bu^tid, All these, and a great many more too tejus to menshun. Is Demoorlsy. The East went for us, and the West scooped us. ' The East and the West jined hands agin us, meetin jist about at Men- tor, wich is in the state uv Ohio. We are hopelis, for English did not open his bar'l, and Tilden wu'^ not i cow to be milked for another man. We forged letters, but they kicked, and we writ "329" on houses In vane. The wind bloweth where it listeth, but this year the wind listeth to blow from the North exeloosively. The North wind is pizen to a Dimocrat. We didn't keer much for Hancock, but we did want the postoflisos. - We wantid em bad. • Nary Dlmokrat now livin will ever set hisself in a postoffls. We w'u'z defrauded out uv them places. We sent enuff repeeters into Injeany to carry that state, but after takin our money for ther votes they votid agin us. \ .'We. paid for all the repeeters in Noo York, but after takin our money they got a spasm uv decency and voted with our enemies. 360 The Nasby Letters. ^ 1 Wa wuz defraudid becoz we didn't git the votes we bought with price. I Cussid be the dishonest man wich toolc money for repeetin 10 tiraj and then did it only four. Speshly cussid be he who took H.ancook's money and then went ai voted for Garfeeld. But they did It. There i.s no more yoose In killin niggers to keep em from the poles the South, for the North kin elect without us, and It's wasted powder ai shot. The solid South is to the Dimocrisy ez a tape-worm is to a man- consoomlth the body it inhabits. The niggers will vote next yeer, and we shel lose half the Southei states. I wuz in the cars, and I sot me down aside a man whose red nose pr claimed his poUitix. It wuz a fearful nose, a beacon-lite. Groanin, I sed unto him, "Lo, we wuz scooped in the eleckshun." And he lifted up his voice and sed, "Wat do yoo mean by sayia vl wuz scooped?" , And I sed, "The Republikins hev got us." And he scofflnly sed, "Yoo mistake me, gentle, sir. I am noti a Dim crat. The color In my nose is biles." Ez we bet heavy on Hancock, there must hev bin a pile uv men ago about whose noses were red, not of likker, but becoz uv biles. In Barnum, wich managed, we hed a purge, and in Hancock, wich \ nominated, we hed an emetic. The Dimocrisy cood not stand two sich calamities, and it went undf Hancock cood not carry the party and Barnum both, and he we down. The Corners mourns becoz its hopes is blastid. Seceshn Crik will not be slack-watered, nor will we hev a gorgus ci; torn house. The niggers over at Libbertyvllle will be pertected, and we shel n hev em for our men servance and made servance. Bf we hev any more corn, we shel hev to plow, and sow, and hoe, a; reap, or pay the nigger for doln it, wich Is unproiitable. The tax on whisky will be contlnyood, and our entrales will be : parched. The nigger Lubbock will still hev the postoffls, and Pollock will ; be collector, with Joe Bigler for his depitty. Bascom will close his bar, for he can't run on tick forever, and will foreclose on all the farms in the naberhood. Alreddy he hez put up a sign, "No trust," at wich we turn sadly aws or wait for the stranger within our gates to ask us up. Mine eyes are red with weepin, and my nose is glttln whiter. Ef this state uv things keeps up, and I kin borrer a cleen shirt, I s! soon pass for a Republikln. Sheel I jine the Republikins? They don't want me. Shel I run for. a electiv oflls? Alas! sich ez me can't be eleptid. I will go to Noo York, wher John Kelly hez power, and serve Ta many. Tammany is all that Is left uv the Dimocrisy, and Tammany Is get thin. I ■- ' TuE Nasby Letters. 361 '' Ther la enuff left uv Tammany to keep me the few short years I Shel live. • ; And when Tammany dies then will I die. and it will be well for Tam- many and me to die together, and be laid in the grave. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Hart Sick). ME. NASBY'S FINAL IJSTERVIEW WITH GBN. HANCOCK. < Governor's Island, (Wich is in the State uv Noo York), Nov. 27, 1880. I am here, on this classic Island, for the last time, I suppose. I come over from Noo York to git the last uv my salery, and to bid my late chief farewell forever. ' I found the General despondent, and employiri the heft uv the time dammin most everybody. These wuz about the substance uv his remarks: > "I cood hev pulled thro ef it hedn't bin for a complicashun uv trubble* wich I wuz loaded with. There wuz Barnum at the hed uv the commit- itee. How cood eny man be electid with Bamum at the hed uv anything? A Barnum wuz enuff to sink anybody. He hedn't any sense nor any sand. : He didn't know how to raise any money, and wat he did raise he squan- ^dered on skeems that didn't amount to nothin, instid uv goin into Injeany "^and buyin up votes, ez the party alluz hez. Barnum alone wuz enuff to rooin me. > '"Then there wuz all uv them skeems. '329' wuz a settler, for them ez t. loood read wuz indignant, and the Dlmocrisy that coodent read didn't ^know what it meant. There wuz thousands uv dollars uv chalk wasted ' in that. "And then the Morey letter. Wat good wuz it to forge a letter jist on the eve uv eleckshun, when everybody hed made up their minds how they ,wuz agoin to vote anyhow? "Wat good wuz there in forgin a Morey letter ontil yoo hed a Morey to father it, and hed the thing put up so't twood 'stand? Wat yoose wuz there in bein guilty uv a forgery, when it only ' killed us? Wat good is a, musket, the kick uv wich is more powerful than \he discharge? These two skeems wuz Barnum's. "I hev nothin to reproach myself with," continued the General. "1 Walked tariff to Pennsylvanlans, and free trade to Injeanians. I sent ev- ^ry Confedrit wat cum to me away perfectly satisfied that he wuz agoin to git jist wat he wantid, and the Massychoosits Dimekrats likewise. I ker- ■^ied out Barnum's instructions to the letter, and wuz all things to all men. I wuz for and agin internal improvements, fur and agin every "^iquestion in Amerikin poUitix. I indorsed to various parties every kind W Hnanshel polisy wich hez bin propounded— and by the way the number 'UT.flnanshel pollsies there is is astoundin— jist ez he told me. "It wuzn't my fault that Barnum allowed these differin people to come* together after they left me,' and compare notes; He shood hev hed better ''l^angements made. He shood hev let em out by different doors, and hed em cross tHe ferry by different boats, and all go to different hotels in the city. These arrangements wuz his to make, not mine. To do the 'italkln wuz enuff for me. 'T "And then I hed Wade Hampton on my back. That speech he made w Virginia wuz a sweet thing to pile onto a Fedrel soljer, and then his tihallengin Sherman. He killed me when he inventid the Solid South. I "These wuzn't all I hed to kerry, but they wuz enuff. I mite hev 363 , The N/.tiBY I^etters. got thro ef the Lord hed killed the crops for four yeers, but with sich pr perity ez the kentry wuz a hevin, it wuz uv no yoose. No man kin 1 nacher and the stoopidity uv the Dimocrisy. I don't want to be Pre dent anyhow. '•Good bye. I may see yoo agin, but I hope *not. I forgive yoo y( blunders— they wuzn't any wuss than Barnum's— and the committy v, pay yoo yoor salary. Good-bye." Wringin his hand, and hastily I orrowin ten dollars uv him, I bid 1 grate man farewell forever. My f ucher is mixed, but I shel j robably settle in Noo York. It is b ter here. There is wider range uv i aster for borrerln than in the Comi and credit is more easily establishec? . Bascora hez positively refooi credit, and all the money there is in the Corners is in the hands uv the n gers and Republicans. Before I left I went three days wunst on 1, than five drinks a day, and them I got by passln myself off on Loc ville drummers ez a, merchant in a naberin village. Here I am shoor. I kin git in with John Kelly, for he wants recro mighty bad Jist now, and possibly in a year I kin git to be a skool comniii ner, or suthin uv that sort. Kelly is libral and sez the Irish shant 1 more than 90 per cent uv the places; and ef the wust comes to the wi I kin make my name O'Nasby, and aj ologize for not hevin the brogue sayin that I wuz brot from Ireland when I wuz quite young. Th ought to be a college in Noo York to teech Amerikins the Irish brog that an Amerikin may hev some chance for a offis. But bein no Irishman I kin pick up suthin that is comfortable, i I bleeve I will stay. Shirts is harder, to get at here than in Kentuck, i^- while there are more uv em, they are hung out to dry on the tops uv houses, insted uv bein on lines convenient in the backyard. And besi v.her I shel board turns. This six inch affair Is u. shirt, but it is too small for any yoose ratever, the It is a shirt all the seme. The Diraocrisy is a party, all com- lete, from a candidate for the Presidency to a. nashnel committy, but it roved Itself to be too short at both ends, and not wide enuff across the niddle, and wuz uv no earthly account. I Still, I thank the donors hartily. A six inch shirt, tho it be but a [emlniscence uv a shirt, would be better than none at all to a man wich ^'uz pertiVeler about shirts. If, But for me it is uv no yoose. I wear a shirt occasionally, when it is kandy to procoor em, but I never traveled on shirts. When I am walkin Lt 12 at nite, and I see a line full uv em, I am not above borrerin one, or perhaps two, and I even yeeld to the prejedis uv our civillzashuu by put- lln em on, but I keer very little for em. The prinsiple good they ^re to me is to spout em, at Bascom's for the ac- tooal necessities uv life. I hev kept Bascom in shirts for many years. At the Corners I very seldom wear a shirt, for one loses Caste by put- tin on sich frills. The man showin a white shirt at the Corners is taken [or a Republikin, espeshly ef it is clean. • When I am goin out speakin in the East I succum to prejoodis eiyaff to put on a paper collar, but no shirt Is necessary. I hev a vest cut close ibout the throat, and pin a paper collar inside the collar uv the vest unto the undershirt. Ef my finances, or opportoonlties for borrerin off uv close lines, are so limited that I hev no undershirt, I pin it onto the inside uv the collar uv the vest. The shirt is then understood, it is conceded, and yoo git along jist ez well. Wat is the yoose uv a shirt, anyway? It don't give no warmth, and only a few square Inches uv It shows. There is three yards uv cotton, and a yard uv linen yoosed up jist for the little square that shows at the buzm. Ef yoo must show linen in front, why not hev a little square uv linen pinned onto the inside uv the vest wher It opens, and save all the rest? The fact Is there is altogether too much wastid In this world. The bodies and fronts uv shirts wich are totally unnecessary, cost ez much ez the skool system, the skool system being unnessary. Inasmuch ez it rooins jthe Dimocratic party I wood do away with that. These two strong pints iuv, the Republikin party abolished, there wood be enuff surplus in a yeer to pay the nashnel debt, and give every man in Kentucky a barl uv noo iwhisky, and hev enuffl over to slack-water Seceshn Crik, and make the Cross Roads an important commershal point. , Ther are other extravagancies wich we indulge in on wich I mite dwel, but It is unnecessary. Wat we want to do is to git down to the simplicity |uv our fathers, and leave the unnecessaries alone, that we may hev an oiilimited supply uv the nessaries. Ef I hev any more admirers In Illlnoy wich want to send me testi- monials, let them omit shirts and sIch and do suthin yooseful for me. Let em send me a two-gallon jug uv lUinoy whisky. They must pack it in a nail keg, for a jug wood never reeah me. It wood be stolen afore It got half way from the depot at Seceshnville. This will be suthin that will be comforlln, and will give me a better opinyun uv my fellows and a broader Idee uv our common hoomanlty. , PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Expectant). 364 The Nasby Lktters. (The following "Kentucky idyl," as it was termed In its sub'-tltlei peared in the issue of the Toledo Weekly Blade of December 30, 1880.)| CHRISTMAS AT THE CEOSS EOADS FOURTEEN YEARS A,ti It wuz fourteen yeers ago, when time hedn't furrowed my cheek the extent that it is now, and when life hed Jist fourteen yeers more lflto| than now. Ah! fourteen years is nothin to the boy uv twenty, fourte Christmasses look mighty thin from one end uv li: but from the other! Wood that I cood be sot back thd fourteen yeers— wood thet I hed the likker to drink over that I hev drui In them fourteen yeers! But I can't. Ef yoo spend a dollar yoo kin ma another, but the time yoo spend is gone forever. Life is wun thing i wieh ther ain't no drawbax. Wat yoo hev yoo hev— wat yoo lose is losti Along the path uv life there are many toom-stuns. They mark t] graves uv berried hopes and murdered aspirashens. The toom-stun at ti end uv life isn't a circumstance to them wich fate reers for us ez we p^ thro it. The heftiest toom-stun that wuz ever erectid to me wuz on a Chrli mas day, e'ggsackly 1^ yeers ago. I will relate it for the guidance uv them wich come after me, the n a soul uv em will be guided by it at all. We write stories ai sich, and narrate eggsperiences and all that, for the gili anca uv others, but it don't amount to the burnin uv straw or tl cracklin uv thorns under a pot. Men read and say, "Wat a lesson!" ai immejitly go and do wat the lesson tells em not to do, ontll disease a; sich teaches em that they hed better not. Printin is about the most uselis art I know uv, except for amoos ment. It requires suthin stronger than moral lessons to accomplish an thing. Experience is the best thing, and the only one that is good. The hed-ake in the mornin is a better terapranse lectrer than the mi gifted orator wich ever yawped, and the inability to eat teaches a nii solium lesson than all the temprarice trax I ever read. But to my story. It wuz fourteen yeers ago to-day. I wuz fresher at the Cross Roa then than now — I hed bin a, citizen a less time, and consekently hed mo. credit. At that time I hed bin postmaster and wuz payin Bascom sutH on account, and it wuz conceded at the Corners that I wood pay ez soj ez the offis wuz made a Presidenshel one, and the salary shood be 1| creest. At that time A. Johnson wuz President uv the Toonitid States, andj hed jist returned from Washington. It wuz poperly spozed at the Come, that I stood next to His Exslensy, and that I cood hev watever I wanti I hed swung with him around the cirkle, I hed been his cheef adviser, ij and Postmaster Ginral Randall, and I stood very high in the estimation | the citizens. I hed it in my hands to do suthin with the posishens i honor and profit, and I wuz doin a. ver.v snug biznis sellin places under t administrashen, or, rather, borrerln money on the promises uv places. I hed determined to make my callin and eleckshun shoor, while I w In poslshen to do it. I determined to fasten myself to suthin permane while I wuz in credit. I wuz very certin that in a little time A. Johns wood go out uv power never to return, and that watever yoose I ma uv my conneckshun with him must be made to wunst. Early in the fall I cast my eyes on Serena Pogram. She wuz uv so rl f' The Nasbt Litters, ^65 vA^ age that she wuz reddy to fall into the arms uv any man wlch oood per- ffide for her, and her father hed a, farm uv 360 akers, wlch, with decent Sianagement, cood be made to make a Uvln for us, espeshly ez ther wuz l^ut two girls to Inherit it. The old man hed hed some boys, but sod- corn llkker hed taken them out uv the way long ago. , I laid seige to the venerable girl, but found I hed a rival. It Is a sin- gler thing in this Incomplete and unsatisfactory world that there ain't anything that any man wants that some other man don't jvant the same ^^ing. Capt. McPelter hed cast his eyes onto Serena; Capt. McPelter lin- ■ gered over the prospeck uv subsistin onto them akers, and Capt. McPel- ter dispooted my pretenshuns to the hand uv the girl, if a matoor virgin ol 41 may be so called. .^. But I laid over the Captain. He wuz younger and handsomer than I, Hbut I hed more tongue and Intelleck, and beside I hed suthin in the Bhape uv a posishen. I wuz fresh from "Washington. I told Serena uv the power I possest, t red her letters from the President In wlch I wuz consultid on all sorts uv questions, and I permitid her to think that I wuz the second man In the government, and that whoever shood succeed in oapcherin me wood hev the gorgusest kind uv a time a livin at the capitle. I went so fur ez to take to her two desines fur houses In "Washington, end shortly after I asked her whether In the event uv my ever marryin agin it wood be better to hev a large house with a little ground In the heart uv the city, or the same kind uv a house with more ground, further out. ' One day I wood ask her which. In her oplnyun, wood be the best for me, to take a furrin mishn, or accept a cabinit posishen at home? If I ehood decide to go abroad, wood London or Paris be the most preferable', and ef I concloodid to stay at home, shoodi take a posishun In wich ther wuz money without profit, or one with profit without money; or shood I take one In wich both profit and money met and embraced, as It were. Ther ain't no woman livin wlch woodent like to be a grand lady at the capitle, and Serena wuz so bedeviled with the prospeck uv bein the Wife uv a power there, and with all the gorgeousnis attainable, that she threw McPelter over without compuncshen, and acceptid me. Then Serena slopt over. She saw all her old frends, but In a patron- Izln way. She talkt to em uv her regrets at leevin the' home uv her child- hood, and the fearful responsibility It wuz to take so high a posishen; but ez Providence hed called her to it, she shood do her best. Ef any uv shood ever be In "Washington, she hoped they wood call upon her, and they wood find one woman who cood not be spoiled by prosperity, but wood remember In her elevashen the frends uv her yooth. Serena run this thing till she wuz corjilly hatid by every girl in the Corners. The weddir. wuz sot for Christmas day at 3 o'clock In the afternoon, after wich we wuz to hev Bascom's mule hitched Into Pettlbone's buggy to take us over to the stashen at Seoeshnville, where we wuz to go to Loolsville to spend our honeymoon. I did the libral thing, on the strength uv the approachin nupshels. I borrered $100 uv Issaker Gavitt, and I made my affianced presents that wuz gorgus. I glv her a silk dress, and a pair uv shoes, with stocklns to match, and gloves and sich, till yoo ooodent rest. The old man, expecitin to be collector uv revenoo under the President, give his consent, and the matter wuz concloodid. It wuz set for Christmas, 1866. 366 The J^asby Letters, We wuz assembled In the parler and waltin for the preecher. Ws eggs- pectid to wait for him, for we hev no regler supply at the Corners, and wfe hed to send a long distance for one, into a Ablishn settlement. I wuz wll- lln to hev the ceremony pernounst by a justis uv the peece, but Selena obP Jectld. She wuz uv a aristocratic turn uv mind, and insistid> that shj shoodent feel herself properly married onless it wuz done by a clergy- man, in regler standin, and in doo form. j While we wuz watin a discussion ariz ez to wat Christmas reely wuz anyway. Mrs. Bascom sed it wuz the day onto wich the Savior w>|z croocified. Geo. W., her husband, sed it wuz the day onto wich he wila born. Deekin Pogram, who felt that it wuz necessary that he showd suiti knowledge uv sich things, insistid that it wuz the day he riz; Issakdi- Gavitt sed it wuz the day that he cum uv age, and I, feelin my i-epetashei at stake, silenst em all by assertin that it hed reference solely to a pro^ phesy made a thousand yeers afore ez to suthin connectid with the Savlor> wich I wood explain to em when I hed time. ; The time wuz approachin. The Methodist preecher wich wuz to tie the knot wuz expectid momentarily. The hoofs uv his boss wuz heerd ap- proaching when a nigger boy kim In and handed me a note. I opened it and red: "Beware! The old man's farm is mortgaged to Bascom for more than it is worth, and he is urgln on this marriage in hopes yoor inflooence with the President will help yoo to pay it off. Beware! Withdraw while it is everlastinly In time." I hed suspeetid this. I hed no doubt uv its trooth, for the old man hed laid about Bascom's so long that he must hev bin thousands in debt. And wat a gulf wuzl steppinlnto! Marryin a scraggy old maid, encumberin myself with her, with no farm ez an alleviatin circumstance. Not any. I rose from my seet, and remarkt to Selina: "When the preecher comes, give him my compliments, and tell him ther won't be no occashun for his services. I hev made up my mind not to marry to-dpy." Serena shreeked and the Deekin stormed. He took me by the throat and swore that he wood force me to marry the girl then and there. The venerable old man hed his beemln eye on a offis too long to be swindled out uv it ez he supposed he wuz bein, in any sich way, and he insistid that I shood fulfill my engagement. Serena, whose hed hed bin filled with dreems uv a life in Washington, with oshens uv money and sich, wuz not agoin to hev her dreems bustid so roodly, and she came at me with her claws, and left my face a wreck in less than a second. McPelter stormed, and Issaker Gavitt wuz only restrained from assaultln me by the hopes uv the posishen I hed promised him. In the midst uv the melee the preecher arrived. He jined in the cir- cus, and helpt to make it lively. Ef there wuz goln to be no weddin why hed he bin sent for? He hed rode fifteen miles thro the cold, and he wantid to know who wuz to pay hlmhiz dollar and a, half. The Deekin sed the bridegroom wuz the responsible man. The preech- er remarkt mildly but firmly that he come at the rekest uy the Deekin, and he shood hold him ef I declined to pay, wich I promptly did. The Deekin hedn't seen that amount uv money for a month, and the preech- er squared off to sail into both uv us, when Capt. McPelter interfered. He remarkt that he cood not akkount for the refoosal uv Mr. Nasby to fulfill hia promise. Here wuz blited expectashens and a crushed life. The Nasby Letters. 367 I Here wuis a bein whose cup hed bin dashed from her lips, and whose dreeni iiv marital feellsity hed bin roodly destroyed. Here wuz a preecher wlch shood hev a dollar and a half to perform a marriage ceremony. "I hev a dollar and a, half," he contlnnered, "and that ther may be a weddln I will larry Serena." I wuz willin, and Serena who wuz so enraged that even dippin snuff 41d not quiet her, consentid. She stood up with Capt. McPelter, I smilln rdonically the while, and in less than a mlnlt they were made one. "I congratyoolate yoo, Captin, on yoor bride," I sed, "but look at this, 'he farm is mortga^d." "I guess not,"sed "Re. "I writ that note to yoo myself! Ha! ha!" ■J "But how hez the Deekin got his likker all these yeers?" I asked in 1^ dismay. 'He hez tubsistid on the stock, and his agricultooral implements, part- |ly, and partly by gittin niggers to do his work and never payin. He is I heavily in debt, but the land is clear." And so it wuz. There wuzn't the scratch uv a pen on the place, and the infaraus scoundrel, the mercenary wretch, wlch cood marry a, girl for her money, or wat wuz tii^ ssMBie, for the prospeck uv a farm, hed de- ■ ceeved me, and made me a laffin stock. I need not write more. Capt. McPelter hez Serena, and is livin with the Deekin, while I — I am a waiter upon Providence, dependin for my sus- tenance upon chance invitashuns and sich crums ez fall to me by chance. He hez a solid fucher while I am driftin about, ketchin onto sich stray bits ez a kindly Providence, wich looks after sparrers, throws into my way. Still I hev my consolashens. McPelter hez his likker ashoored, but when I look at Serena dippin snuff and think that he hez to live w^ith her, and endoor her, I console myself with the thot that even regler ra- shens may hev to be too dearly paid for, and that better is a feast uv herbs in the tents uv wickedness than a, stawld ox on the house-top with a brawlin woman. ^ Life is a lottery, and ther are more Christmasses to come. Possibly some Christmas in the fucher I shell be in Capt. McPelter's place and he in mine. Time makes all things even. At all events I find I kin git along and when one kin do that, wat matters anything else? I hev but a few more Christrr^sses to go thro with, and when I am finally carted out and put under the red earth uv the Corners, I shell be ez well off ez the Kaiser William under several tons uv marble. It's all one anyhow. PETROLEUM V. NASBY. MR NASBY MAKES SUNDRY ACKNOWLEDGMENTS. Confedrit X Roads, (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jan. 1, 1S81. Some time sence some friends in Illlnoy sent me a shirt. Bein but six inches in length from the collar to the end uv the tale, it wuzn't uv any v§ry great yootllity, considered ez a shirt. Ez a token uv remem- brance it wuz a perfect thing, but considered in the lite uv a shirt for wear, or for pawnln for likker (wich is the yoose I hev ginerally put my shirts to), it wuz a, failyoor. I don't keer about hevin shirts presentid to me. Ez a rool I don't wear em, and when I go In to Republikin commoonities wher sich sooper- 363 The JSasby Ijetters, flooities are considered necessary, I kin borrer em off uv cloze lines auy| time after 12 at nite. But likker, that is another thing. People in the visinity uv the Crossl Roads do leeve ther shirts out all nite, so a supply is alluz attainable. But? I never knowd a man in this vicinity to ever leeve a barl uv whisky out over| nite, and consekently that hez to be prokkoored otherwise. A few days after receevin that shirt, I got a little box by mail, witl^' the follerin letter: I Petroleum V. Nasby: Ottumwa, Iowa, Dec. 20. !i I hev been a constant reader of your letters for some time, and as you stan*; greatly in need of a jug ut wliisky, I take the opportunity of sending you a jugfuU • for Christmas, Hoping it will reach you safe, 1 subS'^ibe myself, k M. C. OAKLOS. This wuz a holler mockery. It Wuz a jug, and wuz actlUy filled with j whisky, but the jug itself wuzn't bigger than a thimble, and the likker it j contained woodent hev made a drink for Tom Thum. I drank it, how- ever, but the only effect wuz to arouse a slumberin appetite, and made me insane for more, wich wuz wicked, ez Bascom,positively refooses to give | any credit watever, and I hevn't seen a#ablmr sence I wuz votin for Hancock in Injeany. But a mercifel Providence interfered, ez it alluz does. The very next day I reseeved the follerin letter: Carml, Dl., Dec. 23rd, ISSO. To Eev. Petroleum V. Nasby, Confedrate X Roads, Ky.: Esteemed Fi-iend :— We, a few of your admiring friends here in Egypt, have read with much pleasure and fully indorse the observation made by you on leueiTtng a shirt, or what purported to be a shirt, from some of your friends up at ICiumundy. From your description we are led to believe that if this particular garment, or v/hat pm-ports to be a garment, had been before Tom Hood when he sung the song of the short," he would have cut his tune to short meter. We desire to furnish a more material token of om- regard to you for your dis- tinguished services in behalf of our time-honored and battle-scarred old party. There is nothln moan nor small about us. We think we know where to touch a tender, sympathetic chord In the Democratic heart. We send no superfluous ar- ticles of food or Qlothing. Ours is a more !iubst!intial ofEerlng; somcthmg more in harmony with Democratic ideas, more congenial to Democratic tastes, more pal- atable and toothsome to Democratic appetites, and something with the average Democrat can always "roll as a sweet moisel under his tongue." In other words, accompanying this we send you a quaniiiy of as good whisky as anybody neea want. We do not stop to Inquire whether this liquor is better or best, we ac- knowledge no such distinctions; all liquur is good— to a Democrat. This Is Fisher's standard article, it is such as Democrats use here, and -we trust it will compare favorably with Bascom's favorite brani s. We part with it somewhat relvl'.tantly, but are consoled by the thought that yen wUl do ample justice to it. We send this as your "Christmas gl.t" to you, the greatest Democratic leadM and chieftain of the age— and with it the wish that you may, have a merry, jolij old time. Your admiring friends, FRAira: J. FOSTER, " GEORGE WESTCROffT, H. H. CRAMER, W. H. JOHNSON, A. VAN TUYL, JNO. H. SHOUl', H. J. W. FISHER. Accompanying this was a nale keg. Oh! how eagerly I opened It! I cood not wait for a hammer, but I tore it open with my hands. En- closed within wuz a jug, a two-gallon jug. Then came a sickenin thot. Wuz this the work uv some Ablishnlat feends? Wuz this jug filled with water? Wuz it a gastly joke? Nervin myself and feerin the worst, I pulled the cork. Halleloogy! It wuz whisky, and the best I hev soothed bowels with for many a day. I am livin on that likker, but it is about Wood that that jug wuz like the Widder Cruse's oil, inexhaustible. But it is ever thus. The pleasant things uv this life Is evanescent. A jug my 1 o#t. The l^ASBr Lettkrs. 369 . uv likker Is like frost afore the sun, but a bile stays with yoo a month. It wuz forchinit that it came In a nale keg. Hed the Corners knowd the contents uv that keg, it wood never hev reached me. Sence Bascom hez done away with the credit system, a gallon jug uv likker Is sufflshent to pefdoose a riot., FoUerin this comes this letter: Phelps, N. T., Dec. 25, 1880. P. V. Nasby.— Deal- Sir:— I have not the honor of living iu Illinois, but I am ona of your New York admirers. My sympathies are aroused in your behalf, jvnd as ♦ou are expecting a "nale keg" wilh a jug in it, I take pleasuie in sending you the keg, but it contains hard cider— whisky not being in ray line. If a Democrat had manufactured it, however, it might have been '^'apple jack;" hut, as I am a Jlepub- lican Reehabite, it is "apple jelly." I trust you will accept it, and And it so "com- forting" and appetising that you wUl bejjln the new year a Hechablte. Eopiu to hear from you soon, I remain. Yours truly, O. L. BIGELOW. The keg contained a large can uv some kind uv a compound called "apple jelly," the yoose uv wich I don't know. I took It over to Bascom's and traded it for a quart uv his noo whisky, and Mrs. Bascom yoosed it on her table. She sez it is a delitef ul thing to hev In the house, and she hez never quit talkin about it. I didn't dare tell her it come from a Noo York Yankee, for she woodent hev yoosed it, and she sposes to-day It wuz made in Kentuolcy. It don't make any diffrense. I got the quart, and so It wuz uv some yoose. I am willin to take most anything. If I can't yoose it myself, I kin trade it to Bascom for wat I kin yoose, and so I git a benefit. But the jelly man must not for a moment spose that I kin yoose cider in that shape. It might hev tasted well when I wuz a tender boy, but my stum- iek hez past that sort .uv thing long ago. However, ez it wuz convertible into whisky, I thank him jlst the same. My address is still at the Cross Roads. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Tollable). ME. NASJ3T INDULGES IN A EEMINISCBNOE. Confedrit X Roads, "(jvich is In the State uv Kentucky), Janooary 17, 1881. Life is like Joseph's coat, made up uv many colors. Red may signify prosperity, gray despair, and black woe. My cheef color, for many yeers, hez bin black. I hev endoored more uv the slings and arrers uv out- rageous forchoon than any one man in Ameriky. Life hez never bin to me anything but trubble, my only corsolashen bein a naterally strong stumick, wich will hold likker, and a active brain wich manages to keep that stumick supplied. In the matter uv likker I hev no reason to com- plane, but in everything else I am scafred with disaster. I wuz medltatin pensively, last nite, on things that hed happened to me In the past. My mind went back ' fifteen yeers, and I hap- pened to recall a incident that happened to me here in the Corners wich hez a morel to it, wich the world ought to hev the benefit uv. I hed lived In the Corners a grate many yeers, and ez a, matter uv course I owed every citizen In that locality. There may hev bin some men in the Corners wich hedn't my note, but ef there wuz, I hed forgot- ten em. It is safe to say that my notes uv hand wuz ez common ez b70 The Nasby Letters. leaves in Vallambrosa, and that to meet a man in the Corners wuz to run j the risk uv a dun. I hed bin in Washington and hed reseeved several hundred dollars from them wich wantid pardons, and wich desired to git the eer uv the President, wich his name wuz Johnson. I wuz prosperous and hed shirts, Buthin that my back hed not bin yoosed to for yeers. On my arrival at Seceshnville stashen I wuz met by Capt. McPelter, who wuz pleased to compliment me on my improved appearance. Sed he: "Yoo hev bin doin well, I understand?" "Rayther," I remarked, pullin out a roll uv bills.. "I kin buy and sell the Corners now." "Nasby," sed he, "I want yoo to play a joke on Bascom. Yoo know he holds yoor note for sixty-five dollars. Now, some months ago, he got a noshun that yoo wood never hev the money to pay that note, and he sold it to Deekin Pogram for ten dollars. The Deekin bleeves that in time yoo will come out all rite. We all uv us bleeves ez does the Deekin, and we want to hev a joke on Bascom. I want you to go in to-nite— we will all be there— and rush in and pull out that money, and demand the note, sayin yoo want to pay it. Ez Bascom hezn't the note at all, and ez lie sees yoo hev the money to pay it, it will make him the sickest man in the Corners. See? He sold it for $10!" I saw the pint and agreed to it. Wood that I hed hed more sense. I agreed to do it. McPelter ashoored me that Bascom hed parted with the note, and that it wood be perfectly safe for me to go in and tender the money, ez he cood not possibly take it. "Then," sed McPelter, "the man wich becoz uv his holdin a monop- oly 'jv the likker biznis in the Corners hez opprest every wun of us, will squirm. We shel see him howl. We shel see him gyrate, and paw and squeel. For to see yoo come in with $65, to pay in full a note wich he sold for $10, will make him the worst Bull uv Bashan that ever wuz seen at the Corners. We will all be there, all uv the fiends wich spend money at his bar, and it will be a site. Don't fail us." And so I, wishin to see the fun, consentld. At 7 that nite I rushed into Bascom's, and shoor enufE there wuz the entire party, McPelter, Issaker Gavltt, and all uv em, except Deekin Po- gram. I walked in with the dellberashun uv a man with cap- ital, and / shook Bascom by the hand corjelly. He asked me about the President, and I ansered, ashoorin him that he felt corjelly the support the Corners hed given him, and then winkin at the boys I sed: "G. W., I am not ez I wuz. I am now in funds. I owe yoo $65. Per- doose the note, and take your dukats." And then I perdoost eggsactly $35, with the akkumulated interest. To my surprise, G. W. didn't howl nor do nothln. He smiled sweetly and took the money and oountid it, and sed, "Yoo hev figgered the intrest eggsackly," and went to his safe and took out the note, and sed he wuz much obleeged to me, for he really hedn't eggspectld to git it so soon. There wuz a howl, but it was not from Bascom. I howled. There wu2i a laff, but it wuz not at Bascom's expense. The lafE wuz onto me. Ther I hed gone and hed paid a note uv $65, with interest in full. McPelter and Bascom hed put up this Job on m;, and swindled me out uv this money. Ther wuz Bascom with' his money in his safe, and ther I wuz out jist that much. It wuz friteful. The Nasbt Letters, 371 Anrl they laft and jefired, a'^d '-e-narkt that IneFmiirh e7. I wuk It ) inds they -wood take suthln with me, and the others wlch hed bills come 1 p and demandid payment, and ther wuz trubble all around. This Is why I say that life is a checkered thing, and that one never Voows wat or wlch to trust. McPel er deseeved me, and Basconi wuz a t od. He hed never sold the note at all, and he hed it all the time, and he 8 -id McPelter hed put up a job to co lect it. And the wust uv it wuz they succeeded. In that payment ther w^'nt out uv me the price uv 650 drinks Utf whisky and 1,300 beers. And all f I'^nothin, for the drinks they repre- s»nted I hed alreddy hed, and cood never hev agin. Sich reminiscences make me sad, and reconcile me to tho idea uv dyln. But 1 swore that I wood' live long enuff to get even with him. I hev kep my oath. I owe h'm this minit over $200, and he nevjr will ketch me agin. I shel never hsv $200, and ef I shood, I shood nevjr make it known. That llkker Is sink to him forever. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Remlnlscencin). ME. NASBT'S STOEY OF HIS FIRST MARRIAGE. ' Confedrit X Roads, (wlch Is In the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 5, 1881. I wuz a young man and slnglerly averse to work. Work never agreed w!th me. My prlnslple employment wuz to lay under trees all day and commune with nacher, onless ther wuz a. grosery oonvenyent, with some stranger in it, wlch wuz liable to ask the house up to take suthln. I didn't feel the, need uv much eggseroise, but trat I needed I cood git at playin seven-up or euker in the grosery I hev menshuned. Shufflin and deolin keerds develops the muscles uv the arm wonderful. Billyards wuz alluz too much for me. The time cum, however, when it bscurn necessary to do suthln for a livelihood. I wuz too yung to go into politi3», and the old man, my father, he got to that age when It wuz all he cood do to borrer for hisself. He wuz a.gittln old, and wuzn't ez strong ez he wunst hed bin. He intl- matid to me that the sooner I shifted for myself the better he'd be pleased. Wat cood I do? I hed no perfeshen that wood enable me to live without labor, and labor I woodent. My father solved the problem. "Marry a widder," sed he— "a widder with a fai-m, and make her do the work. Yoo are ekal to overseein a farm. Aint yer?" I remarked that I cood see other men swet without materially fatiguin myself, and that I thot his sejestion a good one. I wood adopt it. Hard-by wuz the Widder Tompson, wich wuz the owner uv one uv the best farms uv the seckshun. It wuz 200 akers uv good land, well improved and well stocked. She wuzn't eggsackly wat wood be "called a handsome woman, and wuz 15 yeers older than me, but I didn't .mind that. What' cared I that her teeth wuz all out, and that she hed a goiter, and weighed 200 pounds? Wat cared I that she had a habit uv goin about with her stockins down at her heels, and that she considered the time spent in comln her hair ez wastid? She hed a farm, and that wuz enuff for me. I laid siege to this venerable fenale, and to my delite found her not averse to a second chajiee at matrimony. I wuz a helthy young man, and not bad lookln, and looked ez tho I mite run two or three farms to wunst. 372 The Nasby Letters. I She wuz rather lonesome on the farm, and It cost a pile uv money to hire help, and then they needed a man to look after them; and, to make a|, long story short, she aoceptid me, and we wuz yoonitid In the holy bonds C uv matrimony. For a few days I lived in a elysium, watever that may be. I hed the best uv eatin, suthin the Nasby family did not indulge in, and Mrs. Nasby wuz ez complaisant ez a woman cood be. I hed cider to, drink, the late Tompson left a good supply uv terbacker, and things wuz a goin ez smooth ez cood be. - The fourth day Mrs. Nasby remarked that we hed hed a long rest, and it wuz time we got about our work. "Pete," said she, "yoo want to take the oxen this mornin and go and break that lot behind the barn. It must he done to wunst, and shood hev bin done a week ago, but for this marryin biznis." "Excoose me, Mrs. Nasby," sez I, goln out and layln down under a apple-tree, with my pipe lighted, "breakln ground is not my best holt. This soots better. I didn't mariy^ to break ground." "What!" she eggsclalmed. "I merely say that I shall not break ground. My biznis on this farm Is merely ornamental. I am willln to go and lay down in the feeld to be broke, and oversee the breakln, pervidid there is a shade-tree under wich I kin lay. But ez for takin hold uv a plow myself, never." The woman looked at me In a dazed sort of way for a minit. She hed In her rite hand a pale uv soap-suds wich she wuz agoin to pour on the roots uv a grape-vine near me. Without a word uv warnln she histid that buckit uv sud^, hot ez it wuz, all over me, and in another sec- end hed me by the hair. It wuz time that I assertid myself. I made up my mind to whale her then and ther, wunst for all, and hevin establisht my sooperiority, hev it all mj' way, ever afterward. Assertin one's sooperiority is all well enuff, but yoo want to be shoor about yoor strength, that bein the main pint in any assertin biznis. I riz and grappled her, and found that assertin wuz wun thing, and establishln quite another. In less than a minit that Infooriatid and muskeler female hed me on my back, and wuz a makin me bald-headed at a rate wich I never dreamed possible. She tore out my hair by the handfuU, she peeled my face in a miult, and In less than four minits I looked like very much like an old-fashioned trlarate after an encounter at short range. "Yoo won't worL, ■svont ye? Well, I guess you will! You'll work on this farm, or ye won't eet. You won't work, won't ye?" And then, ez ef the thot incitid her to madnis, she tore out wat little hair I hed left, and knocked the last bit uv skin oft uv my face, and dragged me out to the lot. "Ther Is the plow, there is the oxen, and there is the ground. Yoo Eooperintend! I'll do that end uv the biznis. Git to work, yoo broot, er — " I saw she wuz In earnest; and I yoked them oxen meekly, and went to work, in the hot sun, and she sot down und«r a shade-tree and kept me at it, without a minlt's rest till nite. Her soopremacy wuz assertid and established. Whenever I dared to murmur, she wood exhibit a lock uv my hair wich she kept by her, and that wuz enuff. I dared not question her authority. Two mizrable yeers I spent on that farm — two yeers uv agonlzin labor. When she died I disklvered that the place wuz mortgaged for all it wuz worth, and that the money she got for it she hed bequeathed to a neece The Nasbt Letters. 373 uv hern, and I wuz turned out on a. cold world, with nothln, 'cept wat I managed to git off the place the nite before I left. That wuz why I went into polltlx. After driftin some time, suhslstin on wat chance threw in my way nites, I found that men uv my caliber are needed in politix, and that it is a shoorer livin than marryin wiclders; and I likewise made up my mind that ef I ever shood marry another widr der it wood be one wich didn't weigh more than 90 pounds, and that I shood eggsamine the records afore the ceremony wuz pronouhst, and see that the farm didn't hev no Incumbrance onto It. Eggsperlenoe Is the only teacher. But I never shel do it. Age hez dimmed my ardor, and long eggsperl- enoe in borrerin enables me to live In suthln like comfort, ef not In luxury. And then so long ez cher is a Democrisy sioh men ez me are in demand; and jlst before eleckshuns I am shoor uv enuff to drink, anyhow. I kin alluz pick up enuff to eat, and close are not difficult to come by In a keerlis and confidin ■ kentry. Possibly I hev did ez well ez though the wid- der cood hev bin moldld to my will. * PETROLEUM V. NASEY. ME. NASBT INDULGES IN MOUENFUL KBPLBCTIONS. Confedrlt X Roads, (wich is In the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 13, 1881. The deed Is dun, and the Uimocrisy is squelcht. I did not hev much hopes, but I did ruther expeck that there wood be some kind uv a fracas rai.sed wich wood delay the countln uv the vote, and that, possibly, some in; formality wood occur wich wood jestify us in declarin Hancock dooly elec- tid, and, ef we didn't seet him, wood give us a. eggscoose for howlin frod tor another four years, and give the Dlmocrisy suthin to stand on. I had a hope that our Dimokratic members wood find some way to raise a rumpus, and derange the biznis uv the kentry, so that we cood pint to the Republikin members ez obstructionists and disturbers. I hed a hope that confidence mite be destroyed, and hell raised in some way, that In the general derangement the Dlmocrisy mite hev some sort uv a show, and that foUerin the rumpus, hard times mite ensoo, hard enuff times to give us a possibility uv electin a jestis uv the peese in a Northern state. But that dreem is over. Our Democratic members submitted to the will uv the Republicans as meekly ez lambs. They didn't howl about the constitooshen, they didn't object to any countin, they didn't put in no claims uv frod, and they didn't do nothln. They- submitted to the major- ity, and let Garfeeld be counted in without a struggle. This settles the Dimocratic party. We hevn't the slightest show for next yeer, or four years from now. We hev nothin to go on. Wheat is bearin a good price, and corn Is about the same. The farmer hez a. good marklt for Us perdoose, and the mechanic's hammer is heerd in the land. Wages are good and work is plenty. Manoofakters is boomin, and the operatives are a chuckin money into savins banks, and they hev money to chuck. Ther never wuz ez many raleroads blldin, colleckshuns wuz never so good, and biznis is on a, solid basis. And wat is more disgustin, the money is good, the people don't kick about resumpshen, but hev all settled down quietly and eneirely satisfied with the currency. Wat is the Democrisy goln to do under these dlstressin circum- 374 The Nasbt Letters. stances? Wat kind uv a show hev we When ther ain't no disasters to pint to ez the result uv radilcel rool? Wat hev we got to go on to? Nothln. Ther ain't no yoose demandin a. cliange when the worltinman hez a, bank account, and the merchant ain't hank erin for change when he is sellin lots uv goods and gettin the money for em. It Is we, the Dimdcrisy, ez vants a change, and that is wat without some providenshel disaster, we shan't git. Ther is wher the Dimekratic members wuz remiss in ther dooty. E£ they hed made a. flte on the Presidenshel count, and hed throwd the ken- try into confooshn, we shood hev hel suthin open to us. They mite hev destroyed confidence and eheckt enterprise, and made things onsartln to a degree that wood hev made trouble in the spring, and throwd a lot uv men out uv work, and deprest things to a degree that wood hev given us ground to stand, on. But that opportoonity is lost forever, and we are lost with the opportoonity. '*' Garfeeld will be President, the good times wiH contlnyoo, ralerodes will oOntinyoo to be bilt, and farmers will hev a. stiddy markit for ther perdoose, and mechanics and labrers will continyoo to hev work, and at good wagis, and be paid in good money, and everybody will be satisfied. And to make It wuss, there hez bin so much snow this winter that the chances are that there will be a. good winter wheat crop, wich will finish us, onless weevle gits into it, and the corn crop is a failyoor. These things never happen when we want em. To spite the Dimoo- rlsy I jnake no doubt that next yeer the crops will all be good, and that ther will be sum disturbance in Europe wich will make a good markit for our surplus. Nacher, ez well ez evrything else, is agin the Dimocrisy; why, I hev no hope even uv a, epidemic next yeer. I don't suppose ther will be any cholera in the North, nor nuthin uv the sort. We hev yeller fever at the South, but ez this seckshun is solidly Dimocratic, it don't do the Dimocrisy any good. Well, 1 kin stand it. Some way w.ill be pervided for me. My wants are few, and I kin live without the postoffls. Corn bred is cheep here, and enufC good-nachered strangers come into Bascom's to keep me in likker. Sometimes when the roads is bad the intervals atween drinks is ruther long, but Bascom sometimes unbends and asks me, and sometimes he gives me a refresher, and goes thro the moshens uv chargin It. I shel live somehow, even ef the country is prosperus, and the Demoo- risy are kep out uv power. The Providence that notes the fall uv a spar- ler will brood over me. Let the kentry never mind me, but go on and pros- per. Ef the kentry kin, stand it I kin. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (P. M. nevermore). MR. NASBY DETBRMmBS TO VISIT THE OLD WORLD Confedrit X Roads, (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), March 4, 1881. The Yoonitld States is no place for a Diraocrat any more. A radikel general sits in the Presidenshel chair, and a radikel Congris contioles the destinies uv the nashen. Thio Congris hez a feendish delite in tearin open the wounds that time shood hev heeled. It will do nothln to consul- ate the South. It will refoose to pass appropriashens for our creeks in the South. It won't levee the Mississippi, it won't bild a custom house and postoffls at the Corners, and, to cap the climax, it refooses to pay $20,- The Nasby Letters. 375 000 for the papers uv every Confedrlt glneral wich is hard up, and to ■whom $20,000 wood be a blessin. For me ther ain't no chance watever. The nigger Lubbock will contUiyoo in the postoffls, and Bigler and Pollick will controle the colleotorship. I am left out in the cold for four yea s, and by that time a postoffla wood be a superflooity, for by 1885 I shel b ,■ wher there ain't no mail matter onless ther are iire-proof bags to carry it in. And to make It worse, Han- cock won't send me a cent, and English won't ev n anser my letters ap- peelin for aid. The Corners held a meetin to determine wat wuz to be done with me. It wuz decided, that the burden uv carin for me wuz too heavy to be borne longer, and suthin must be done to exse em up. A .keerful estimate showed that I owed in round numbers suthin over $4,000, wich wuz that much ded loss. Bascom swore a solium oath that he wood ne.ver give credit for a dollar more to me, and that settled it. I didn't care wat they did with me after that. The prevailin disposishun uv the people wuz to take me out quietly and kill me; but that wuz over-rooled. It wuz decided that ef I wuz per- mittid to live suthin mite turn up to enable me to pay suthin on the in- debtednis, whereas, ef I wuz wunst ded all hope wuz gone. So they decided that I shood live, but that I must leave the Corners. 1 sed, "All rite, but how am I to leave? I he v^ no money, and I absolootly decline to walk, and when I am gon3 wat am I to live on? These (lues- tlons must be ansered, or I decline to go. Ef I hev to die, I mite ez well die here, and save the worry uv packin my handkercher with my other shirt." Then arose a long and tejus discusf.ion. Deekin Pogram remarkt that his dawter Mirandy told him that th3 Greeshuns hed a habit uv makin ther Helots drunk, so ez to impress onto the minds uv ther sons the hor- rors uv intempranse. "Why," sed t .e Deekin, "shoodent we send the Parson to Greese, and put him into the Helot biznis?" To this I eagerly assentid. I wu ; willin to go. Ef they wantid a healthy Helot to illustrate the evils uv intempranse, I wuz the man^ and to releeve ther minds I wood say that in this case salery wood be no objick, a stiddy sitooashen bein all that I wood reqwire. I hed no doubt uv bein able to satisfy the Athenians in this pertikeler. Ef the average son uv the average Athenian shood see me when I wuz reely full uv coffin- vamish, I don't think he wood ever vencher to partake uv the flowin bole. Raise the money for the passage, and consider me a Helot for the remainder uv my life. It is singler wat luck some men hev. Why wuz I not born a Helot? Think uv it. To not only hev yoor likker furnisht free, but litrally poured down yoor throte! This dreem uv bliss wuz roodly disturbed by Capt. McPelter. He sed that ther wuz no question ez to ray capassity for the Helot biznis, but the Athenians wuzn't doin that sort uv thing now. Wat Mirandy Pogram re- ferred to wuz practist-some '.housands uv yeers ago, but at present the Athenians got on without Helots, and illustrated the evils uv rum in ther own persons. The custom wuz an anshent, not a modern one. Issaker Gavitt perposed that I shood be sent to Noo York, but Bas- com pertested to wunst. He remarkt that he'd sent me to Noo York twict but that It wuz no good. I alluz come back. Ded-hed passes cood be pro- coored too easy, and ef them wuz onattainable, a man cood walk from Noo York to Kentucky. No, ef he wuz to be releeved from this burden, send 376 The Kasby Letters. him fur enuff away so that a return wood be impoFsible. He wood prefer to send me to flte the Boers in South Africa, but he mite compernilie on hevin me across the Atlantic. Bf he contribited to hevin me sent abrod, he shood insist that it be fur enuffi to preclood the posslbiiity uv a return. It wuz finelly agreed that I shood hev a steerage passage to Liverpool and ?10 on wich to live till I cood establish myself. Therefore I shel go to Europe. I am not displeased with the prospeck. There is no yoose uv my remainin here, for there is nothin in. this lieutry for me. Ez I sed, the postoffls is hopelis, and there is no oppertoonity for anything else. I shood only be enabled to live here by the chance charity uv friends, and sich contribooshens ez I mite be able to levy on them ez didn't l patriot, sich ez I am, kin alluz manuf acter a coz. i 384 The ISTasby LETlliEtiJ. I don't like France altogether, for I am told they drink nothing but wine there, and besides the French pL='ople don't know that they are op- prest and down-trodden. Bf the irish skeem shood fail, I might slli up the French to a sense uv their wretched concilshn, but wine ain't a good drink for that biznis. It's altogether too mild. For patriotic purposes I hev found no liquid better than English gin; It Is a beverage that is eminently calculated to perdoose discontent with the eggsistin order uv things, no matter what they may be. A gin drinker alluz wants suthin else. In this respect it lays all over Amerikln whisky, no matter how bad it Is. London is cleerly my feeld. Go back to the Corners with these golden prospex openin up before me! Go back to the Cross Roads and endoor Bascom's refoosals for credit, and Dekin Pogram's refoosals to lend, and the terrors uv unassuaged thirst, and uv unappeased hunger, when I kin hed a Irish insurrecshun, and sell it out to the bloatid aristocracy uv England, and be a dook or suthin uv the sort, and hev a estate uv my own I Go back to the Corners and read the noose for mere whisky, and that given grudgingly and in InsufHshent quantities ! Not much ! Come back for the sake uv Dimoorisy ! Wat hez Dimocrisy ever done for me ? Wat hez Dimocrisy ever done for anybody ? Mick Lellan is the governor uv mere Noo Jersey, Seym ore is languishin on his farm, or de- liverin addresses afore cheese societies, Thurman is foolin with monetary conferences, appinted by a, Repubilkin, Hancock is onto Governor's Island wonderin whether the tariff Is a nashnel or lokle question, and why he wuzn't electld, and I — J am in tjondon, a eggsile, a stranger on a furrln shoar, known only to a, few public house keepers, and they will soon wish they hed never the honor uv my acquaintance. Ef the Dimocrisy can't survive without me, Dimocrisy may ez well order its coffin. X will write its epltaf gladly. Why, I hev even lost interest in Amerikln politlx. I laft wen I heard that Sherman had sed that the tax onto whisky wood pay the nashnel debt, and even the assassinashen uv Garfeeld did not move me, tho I saw into It the prospeck uv another A. Johnson. Go back to the Corners ? Not any Corners for me. "Far more troo joy the Nasby eggsiled feels, Than Bascom with the Corners at his heels." PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Reformer and Patriot). MR. NASBY'S LONDON EXPEEIENCES. . i London, (wich is in England,) ' I Jooly20, 18S1. ' I hev not ez yet made up my mind what to do with myself, and don't keer to ez yit. I hev some remnants uv the money wich the Corners sent nie, and I hev noo lodgings, tho I hev met with temprary embarassments. I never yit hed a epock that didn't bring with it temprary embarass- ments. My life hez bin one ov embarassments, and probably alluz will be. The trubble this time, wuz ez yoosual, with my landlord. For twc weeks he hez bin annoying me abojit payin for my apartmehce (it's only one small room, but I do ez other tourists do, and call em apartmenoe, for It sounds more solvent when you want credit at eatin houses), and finally he got Impedent about It. To spare my feelins and prevent him from aotooally insuUin me, I lit out one nite, gittin away without loss m The Nasbt Letters. 385 baggage. Indeed I ain't shoor but wat two uv his shirts and a pare ov his trousers got into my oarpit-bag. My washln gits mixed with others, frekent. However, it didn't make much diffrence. Th« Increest size and fullnis uv my bag enabled me to git better quarters, ez it inspired confidence. The man ut resources alluz turns evil to good, and extrax benefits from wat to others wtwd seem misforchoons. I am wiinst more very comfortably fixed, and hev established myself in jlst ez good eatin houses and public houses, ez before. I hev hed a noshun of turnin aristocrat mySelf. I can't imagine any- thing more dellteful than to be a dook, and hev a castle in the kentry, and a residence In town, with lots uv money back uv it, and servance and things. There is nothin bettir, cepr It mite hev been a planter In Ameriky In the old times. In the South. He come the nearest to it, uv any bein on earth. These people toll not, neither do they spin. They hev more money then they, know what to do with, and they spend a life uv ease and luggs- ury, and retire under a. marble monument when they die. I shocffl like to be a dook the rest uv my life. It woodent be at all inconsistent, with my previous record, nuther. The soshel skeem uv England is made up uv several classes. There is the no- bility wlch wuz born to rank, the rich men wich made money and want to be noblemen, the tradesmen, wich live on the nobility and hopes to be rfth men, the poor labrin clases wich drinks gin and beer — gin when they kin git It, and beer when they hev to. There is no clashin between these classes. The ribbleman is content with his stashen, ez well he may be, and lives off his tenants, the tradesman is content to live off the nobility, and the labrin man can't help hisself, and so long ez he hez suthin to eat and drink, goes on content. He knows he can't help hisself, and he don't let things worry him at all. When he votes he does it for gin, for he knows no matter who gSts into power it's all the same to him — he will hev to work jist ez hard and for jist ez little for -one party ez for the other. That's why ther ain't much hope uv foundin a reform party in , Eng- land, that Is, out uv the English. They ain't got no greevances, and yoo can't make em bleeve that they' are opprest and down-trodden. I asked a tailor ef de didn't know that he wuz a serf, a down-trodden victim uv oppression, and ef he wuz n't reddy to strike a manly blow for the ameliorashun uv his oondishn. The low sperlted cuss anserd that he hedn't thot about it, but ef he wuz ^otllly a slave he wuzn't aweer of it. 'i Hewuzdoin very well, thank yoo. He wo rkt pretty hard, but ef he wuz tin his family toUably wejU. "Yoor a patriot, ain't yoo?" sea he. "I've seen em afore. Don't asl^ me to make yoo a soot up close and send em around. I did that wunst." I askt him whose ground he wuz on, and wat rent he paid. "The Dook uv Bedford owns all this seckshun." "Are yoo'willin to pay triboot to a bloated aristocrat, all yoor days?" I asked. He ansered that Inasmuch ez he didn't own no ground, and didn't want to,, and ez he wood hev to pay rent to somebody anyhow, he coodent see that it made much (difference who he paid it to. His Grace was a liberal land- lord, and he got a deal uv work out UiV him, yeer In and yeer oot, and he ^ 386 The J^Tasby Letters. hed ez soon pay triboot to him ez to John Smith, and ruthar, for the Dool wuzn't so grlndin ez a great many others wich wuzn't Dooks, and he sei "good mcrnin," and went on cuttin cloth ez tho he didn't keer to con tinyoo the conversashun. "^ ' Wat kin a lover uv his kind like me do, when this insensibility to op preshn obtanes among all classes? It Is discouragin. It looks ez tho Bhood hev to continyoo shiftin my lodgins dooring my entire stay. I approacht others on the subjick but found em all too busy to considi their woes, except the patriots which spend all their time in the publics' and they ain't no meat for me, for they are all in the same biznis. Whel these mercenary wretches found that I wuz not payin for likker, bu eggespectid to hev my likker paid for, they avoidid me ez they wood & pssti lencz. They all agreed that England wuz down-trodden, and groanin un der a despotism, but they cooden't indoose the opprest people to back en up in a effort to strike off their manScles. I shel shortly visit Ireland, and Investigate the people on ther native soil. I hev hopes ther, for I know the Irish in Ameriky, and they mak splendid patriots there. I never knowd one uv em wich woodent take i offis within two weeks uv his landin, and I never heerd uv one wicl wqodn't hev delited in ownin a niggvr, ■wh^n niggers, cuss em, were to bj owned, and wich woodent git all ther wuz to be got out uv em. They'lov Ameriky and they ought to. Ther ain't no other kentry on ea.Tth whe timy kin git into ofHs in less than six months, and consider themselves ill used ef they are kept out that time. A few uv us Irish patriots held a convenshun last nite at the "Star o; Erin" public house, to determine wat to do in the present emergency. Mi O'Shaughnessy remarkt that the emei gency wuz grave. Things wuz comi| to a crisis with- Ireland. He wuz eir ht weeks In arrears for his lodgins and most of the public houses hed r. foosed him credit. He was draggt: out a precarious eggslstence, and the trouble wuz that Erin wuz not or gunized. It wuz dlscouragin to a patriot. He hed bin in London six month tryin to organize, but all the money that wuz comln from Ameriky wu; goin to a lot of agitators wich he did not know, and he (0'Shaughnessy| wuz allowed to langish in lodgings and wuz liable to be turned out an; minnit. He hedn't even the price uv a glass uv gin about his person. Hov cood Ireland be liberated when her cheef.sperits wuz bein so treated? Mr. McFlnnegan remarkt that ther wuz organizashen enufC, but i wuzn't the rite kind. The money oollectid in Ameriky went to the Parli burow, and wuz not applied to the releef uv the teally sufferin Irish. Ki (McFadden) wuz a Irishman, a descendent uv Irish Kings ez every troi republikin Irishman wuz, and he wuz in want uv the common necessarie; uv life. He wuz compelled to drink water, for not a doUir hed bin sen to him. He hed more than half made up his mind to abandon his kentry t its fate, and go Into the patriot biznis In South Ameriky. He who wood b' free himself must go down into his own pocket. How cood Ire-land eve hope to be free from the infernal rool uv the Saxon, when her champion were compelled to live on chance Invitashens to drink and sleep unde arches? .^ ' The sekretary of the meetin then red a report showin the utter distres and destitooshen uv the people uv all the counties in Ireland, and made stlrrin speech in favor uv organizln committees to collect money for thel releef. Rev. Father Muldoon happened to drop In and he cheered us all ver The Nasby Letteks. 387 much by repartln that ths collections in Ireland uv money for Catholic col- leges In Amerlky, for the education uv the priesthood.wuz progressin favor- ably. Ths amount given by the people for this purpose wuz ez much ez last yeer, despite the distrest condishn. The Pope hlsself hed exprest his satisfaction at the devoshen uv the Irish people to the Holy church. Shamus O'Brien begg-ed leave to say a few words. He hed Jist returned from Amerlky, wher he hed bin among the Irish. He found em all prosper- ', ous, ez a rool, and dooin well, the natives uv that city aooeptin their rool without a murmur. His sejeistion for the releef uv Ireland wuz to take the money wlch wuz ooUectid and use it in sendin to Amerlky ez many Irish people ez possible, killin two birds with one stun. Those who went wood be made comfortable, and emigrashen wood so lessen the num^ ber uv laborers in Ireland ez to compel the landlords to give em better terms. Then he wood — He wuz immejitly Interruptld byMr. O'Shaughneesy. Mr. O'S.'s blood biled at the sejestion. Ef the half uv Irelsand wuz sent to Amerlky and the Jiaif that remaned wuz made comfortable, what w^ood become uv agita- , shen? Ef agitashen ceased what wood become uv us? To yoose money in that way wood be to stop agitashen for the rites uv man, and redoose the champions uv freedom in Ireland to he didn't know wat. Never. He wood stand and defy England so long ez the Irish In Amerlky wood contribit funds that he mite give his whole mind to it, and wood never lower the banner uv freedom" till they stopped contribittin. A descendant uv Irish Kings, he wuz too much uv a friend uv ekality to do anything else. Suffrin Ireland wuz necessary for the spread uv democratic governijient, and any , sejestion to stop that suffrin wuz a stab at the very vitals uv the holy coz. Mr. O'Brien — But ye're goin to raise money for the good uv Ireland, ain't ye? Wat are yoo goin to do with it? , Mr. O'Sliaiighnessy — ^Agitate— here and in Paris. Ireland must he free — In time. Mr. O'Brien — Starvashen will liberate em. Then I interposed. I remarked to Mr. O'Brien tha.t starvashen waz wat we wuz tryin to guard agin — starvashen uv the assosiashen and the sub- committees, to wlch we shood allow a reasonable per centage uv the col- leckshuns. Wuz we not Irishmen, and entitled to releef? Without funds ther cood be no agitashen, and agitashen wuz the only remedy for Ireland's woe. We are the agltaters, and yoo musn't muzzle the ox that treads the com. Mr. O'Brien renmrked that he cooden't see it that way, that he rather thot it wood be a good thing for Ireland ef the asosiashen shood starve to death. And he left the room announsln his determinshen to collect money enuff, hisself, to send over a dozen families anyhow, and releeve that num- ber, shoor. I never saw sich a impracticable man. He is a brick mason with a good biznis, and he will actilly do wat he sez, and thus divert money from . us. We shel ishoo a cirkeler denounsin him ez a Englishman in disgise, I and warnin the Irish in Amerlky agin him. We can't permit ourselves to I be interfered witM. f PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Agitator.) ' P. S.— This mizable O'Brien hez actilly gone and organized a sosiety uv '; Irish mekanics and merchants in London, callin it an "Emigrashen Aid "-Sosiety," and with no pay for any uv its offlsers, and hez actilly got money , cnufC together, wlch t^ey mostly give theirselves, to send a dozen families 388 The JNASBy Letters. to Ameriky. The families hev actilly gone, they hev contractid with steamship company to take em, and the English are contribbitin to ei freely, and all this while coUecshuns for the releef uv Ireland by agitashe come in very slowly. I am almost discouraged. Mr. O' Shaughnessy and I hev determine on aggressive messures to stir up the Irish. We shel commence blowin u government bildins in England, ef we kin enlist darin men to undertali the work. That will show that we are in deadly earnest, and will, doub less fetch funds in plenty. SuthJn must be done. My new landlord prj sented his bill last nite and insists upon immejit payment. It is teji; movin so often. ' P. V. N. ME. NASBY OHGANIZES BY HIMSELF. London, (wich is in England), , August 1, lis\, I The trouble with Irish agitashen is, all the agitaters wants to be Brigi I dier Generals and none uv em privates. They remind me uv a enterpris we went into when I wuz a boy. We had a Thespian Soslety, aiilT '^^ P°«^°ffl«. ez he could git holt uv em, and'cut the content gust thetT>%r ' '''"''' *'^*"'' ^ »°t ^y «heer, tho I notist with di| about .^iZTTzzzzrz T':::r ^-^ ™"- -"- '- "^ J At all evence I detprmina,^ +^ x. The ^asby Letters. 389 nan uv em swore he wuz devotid entirely to the sacred coz, and that he. ^ood serve It In any capassity. He wantid to be the humblest uv E3ng- ^nd's assailanne and Ireland's defenders. He wuz willin to fill an unknown Ind unhonored grave — all that he desired wuz to be put Somewhere where ie could serve Ireland. > , I nominatid Mr. O'Shaugrnessey ez permanent President. Mr. O'Shaugnessey peremtarily declined. Shood he take that position t-wood look ez tho he wantid honors. No! he wantid some place uv dang-er, lome place where there wuz work to do. . Mr. Mick Fadden declined the Presidency and so did Mr. Finnegan. Fin- iliy Mick Fadden sejested that the organizashen shood be ez follows: President — Mr. O'Nasby. Vice President — Mr. O'Shaugnessy. Secretary — Mr. Finnegan. Treasurer — Mr. Mick Fadden. He wuz willin to assoom the arjusdooties of openin the letters and re- eevin and disbursin the funds. Wat he wantid wuz to work for the coz? Mr. O'Shaughnessy objectid. He felt that he was better -fittid for the iftls uv Treasurer. He had eggsperience in finanshel matters, and needed he arjus work uv reseeving and disbursin to keep himself in tralnin for he great evence that wuz to foller. He shood be treasurer. Mr. Finnegan wantid to know ef the old story wuz to be repeatid? Jist n the verge of success wuz we to fail by divldid councils, and by wrong [elections? He wuz the only man uv the four wich wuz fitted for that posi- jhen and he shood consider the coz ez lost ef any one else wuz put into he place. For the sake uv Ireland, by the memory uv her wrongs, he mplored the organization to paws afore they put anybody else in it. At this pint I ariz. I hoped that no sich wild councils would prevail.' Dz one thoroughly and entirely devotid to Ireland, I felt compelled to lay that ther wuz but one of the four competent to fill the place of Treas- irer. This was no time for false modesty. This wuz no time for hangin lack, and shirkin the performance uv sacred dooties. Abandonin my habi- ooal reserve, I wood say that uv the four I was the exact man for that ilace. I did not doubt the patriotism uv O'Shaughnessy, the zeal uv Mifck radden, of the enthusiasm uv Finnegan, but when it come to open letters ontainin remittances from servant girls and labrers, and takln charge hereof, I laid over the deck. Sighin ez I did for the liberashun uv Ireland, groanin ez I did habitually lor her wrongs — no man had ever did more groanin — I hed often got up in jhe middle uv the night to groan over Ireland's wrongs — I cood not bear to |ee her coz wrecked by incomptehcy or inefficiency in so important a place. i cood open more letters in a minit than any wun uv em, two to one, ez I led a combined paper knife and letter opener, which I hed purchlst with my iwn money and hed not charged_,to the assesiashen. I wood serve Ireland ly being Treasurer uv the Assosiash en. Then comfe a wild scene uv disorder. We all wantid this posishen and he upshot uv it all wuz the Assosiash en broke up in a row, and dissolved. Every man uv us made a rush to the Post Offls to secoor wat letters ruz there, for each uv us considered the others hed sinister desines and fuz actooatid by mersenary motives. I have abandoned these men, and organized myself into a assosiashen. have a list uv offlsers, all with good Irish names, but I put onto my clrck- prs, very carefully, this line; All contribopsljens to the sacred co.? must be 390 The Kasby Lettees. sent direct to Mlkael O'Nasby, Treasurer. The others hev also organized theirseJves into assosiashens, but ez I got my oircklers out first I she! hog in the first harvest. Finnegan, by the way, coodent organize hisself ez he didn't hev money enufC about his person to pay for printin. He hez failed for lack uv capital. He tried to borrer uv me, but I laft him to skorn. Lendin ain't my best holt. I hev excellent ground now to go on, and I shel succeed beyond a doubt.' The specific objick to which the funds I arise is to be applied is the purchis uv gun cotton and clock-works to be put onto English steamers in all parts uv the world. I am determined by the help uv the patriotic servant girls in Ameriky to entirely destroy the British mareen. Do away with the soo- premacy uv England on the sea, ard she is gone. Her ships are her strength. Destroy them ships, and England is ez weak ez Sampson wuz after his head wuz shorn. I will be England's Delilah. Uv course there will be a fritel'ul loss uv passengers, and most uv em will be Amerikins, but war is war. Yoo can't free Ireland without blood- ' shed, and so that the- contribushens are libral enuff I don't keer who ia killed. However, onless money comes in much faster than I eggspect, the loss uv life from this enterprise won't be alarmin. It costs a great deal for a agitater to live in good style in IjOndon, and my eggspences will, of course, come out first. I saw a Dock to-day in his Dookal carriage surrounded by his minyuns. Possibly, when the British Government knows who I am and what my fell purpus is. It will offer me a Dookdum to desist. England hez ginerally sup. pressed Irish uprisins by buyin up the agitaters, and who knows but that 1 may yet be the Dook Nasby, and hev carriages and flunkies? More single! things than that hev happened. "Dook Nasby!" It hez a pleasant sound. In the hope of it, I shell labor incessantly to make myself a terror to Eng- land. I trust I shel begin to reseeve offers from the Government In about four -sveeks. MIKAEL O'NASBY, (Agitaiior Perfeshnel), ME. NASBY GOES TO lEELAND. London, (wich is In England,) September 10, 1881. I hev bin over to Ireland, and made a persnel Inspeckshn uv the situa" Bhen there. I did this partly to inspire my pen, and partly becoz I wuz tired uv London and wanted a change, and the Servant Girl's Yunyun, of La Porte, Injeany, havin sent In $20 to the sklrmishin fund, I hed the meana to do It. Elijer wuz the fust one wich wuz fed by ravlns,but I am the last. The Irish servant girls in Ameriky is my ravens, and I keep my mouth ei wide open ez Elijer did hlsn. I hope his ravens wuz ez regular as mine are I did not see much uv Ireland, ez the leadin agitators hed a meetin in Cork to see ef 'twasn't possible to compromise our differences, and pool our ishoos. O'Shaughnessy, O'Brien, Mick Finnegan and myself wuz all pnss- ent, and we all agreed that no effort for the liberashen uv Ireland cood be successful onless we cood hev one common point to wich contribooshens.to the sklrmishin fund cood be sent from Ameriky. "We decided that it ■«»■ better to hev one centrel'buro than it wuz to hev five, and that our namWi The Nasby Letters. 391 •oonlted, wood probably extrack more material resources from the girls lian ez the we kept separate, and each patriot actid on his own hook. But the same old trouble occurred. We wuz the, most generous and elf-sacriflcin patriots in the world, ez to the offises uv real honor, sich ez he Presidency; but when it come to the tresurership, the handlin uv the lunds, each man insisted that he wuz the precise one to fill that place. We led been Interdoosed to each other and ther wusn't that confidence thar ihat made yoonyun possible. I flnelly told em that onless I cood be tresurer uv the combinashen 1 ihood con tiny 00 to free Ireland on my own basis. "I am reseevin now an iverage uv seven dollars a, day." The rest uv em groaned at the menshun of this sum. "Poor Ireland!" ighed O'Shaughnessy, "the most my burow hez ever got Wuz four, and wo and a half wood be a fair average. It scarcely keeps me in board, cloze ,na likker. How kin Ireland ever expect to be freed on these terms?" I rebooked Mr. O'Shaughnessy. I told him while board and cloze and Ikker wuz good things, that when wun wuz engaged in resistin tyranny, , trop patriot cood git on without the board and cloze. But com wat may, hed devotid myself to Ireland and wuz willin to serve the combined asso- iatlon ez tresurer. Ef th9,t wuzn't agreeable I shood keep on with my iverage of seven dollars a day. Ez they woodn't consent to this the meet- ing dissolved. Divided counsels hez ever bin the tooln uv Ireland. I am writln' a new sirkler to send to Amerlky, wich I think will bring ihe skirmishing fund any quantity uv money. I hev hed made, out uv the pt Instalment I reseeved, picters uv my new infernal machine. It's an ngenlous masheen, one uv my own Invenshun. I hev clock work propelled jy a spiral spring, connected with a pistol barrel, wich is loaded with a [air charge uv gunpowder, and the barrel filled to the muzzle with gun- sotton. This is put in the center of a box containin dynamite, and the box B placed in the center uv a barl uv any kind uv merchandise and is then [hipped in British steemers from Noo York. It won't do to ship it in Iteemers thgi leave this side, for every wun uv em hev in the steerage 400 ir 500 Irish emigrants, and we don't want to blow them up. It is desirable io preserve ther lives so that they kin work in Ameriky and earn money, ind send it to us patriots wich is engaged in freein Ireland. But in steem- irs comin back it is quite different. Ther is very few Irish comin from Amer- ky to Ireland, for ez soon as they land in Noc York they git into polytix, ind git onto the poleece force, and cum to be skool commishners and sich, nd they can't spare the time to come back. The passengers on the steem- rs from Noo Yorlr'to England are toorists, wimmen and children, and sich, nd to blow them up woodent damage the agitaters at all. This clock-work runs five days, blawin up the steemers eggsackly In lid ocean. In this way we perpose to cripple the maritime power uv Eng- md and compel her to do jestis to Ireland. I shel bild these masheens ef junds sufHshent are forthcomin. But uv course I can't do It on seven dol- irs a day. My persnel wants require all uv that, suthin the "servant girls hood uliderstarid. Bf the land act or any other act uv the English, stops agitashen, and hrpws me out uv biznis, wich Heaven forbid, I shel either enter the priest- .odd or start a whisky shop, I hev bin in England, France and Germany, ence I hev bin over on this side, and no matter how poor and distrest the eople wuz, I hev never seen a priest that wuzn't in good flesh, nor the ■Si 2 The Nasby Lktters. " ■ , - proprietor uv a rin mm. Tl^ey wuz alluz in good condishen. The clergy feel for the wants uv their people in a purely speritooal sense, and the gin- mills-well, likker is' the last thltig these people give up. I never saw people wich cood git on with less cloze or manage to eggist In sich hovels,- hulj they manage somehow to comfort therselves with a great deal uv whisky, and a tolerable good artikle they hev uv it. I don't like it ez well ez I do our sod-corn, but I shel git yoosed to it. I hev an accommodatln stumick. Thank heaven, it kin adapt itsei;" to any circumstances but one— emtmess. The only dangers that threaten uv us now is England and emigrashun, and England I am not afeerd uv. It don't matter wat England does, Ire- land won't be satisfied ez long ez we hev elokent crators enuff, but emi- grashun is suthin we patriots hev to dread. Ef that goes on next season to the pint uv redoosin the populashen so that them remainin km liv? com- fortably; we are gone up. Wat we want is to hev jist enuff to go to Amer- iky to earn money enuff to supply the slnoos uv agitashen and jist enuffi to stay here to make agitashen necessary. We want a Ireland alluz, and a opprest Ireland, for without that where would we be? I remember a anti-slavery speaker wich wuz perfoundly greeved when Linkin abolished slavery. "Great Kevins!" he exclaimed, "what did he ever do that fur? Wat shel I do now for a coz?" He tried temperance, and wimmen's rites and sich, but he hed been on slavery so long that he cooden't take up noo grievances, and sadly died In a poorhouse. But I am not sure uv my standin here permanently, and may possibly return to Ameriky. I find that ez large ez London .is, a man's. Idiosyncra- sies spred with tolerable rapidity. I find it quite difficult to git lodgins now, and I hev hed to submit twice to the hoomiliashen uv payin for my rooms in advance. It hurt my feelings, but wat cood I do? I cooden't sleep "un- der a bridge at my age, nor kin I go without sustenance. It's all well enufC so long ez the supplies come in regerly, but when the supply stops, wat then? My inventive genius comes in here. I hev !:iventid a new carpit bat for the espeshl yoOse up patriots and agitators. It Is made uv thin Injj rubber, with a, frame that folds up into a small compass. ToT) take thai carpit-bag and blow It up till it bulges out at the sides ez the It wuz ful| uv cloze and things and walk into a lodging house and demand rooms wit! confidence. That carpit-bag, buslin with valyooables, settles it. It looki solvent, and everything is in looks. Too stay on the strength uv that hag and hev yoor meals sen; to joor room, and live fat, Presently yur land lady wants money, and commences to watch that carpit-bag. Too can'| git out uv the house with it, for that is her anker and her hope. Very good Some evening yoo go to yoor room, let the wind out uv it, and fold it up am put it' in your coat- pocket, and bid her good eyenin, telUn her yoo shel b home early, and she may light the 'fire at 10, and the place that know yoo wunst knows yoo no more furever. The first dark place yoo come tj yoo blow it up agin, and go boldly into another house and establish youij self in comfort ef not in luxury. The one I hev cost me a week's receipts uv the skirmishin fund, but I a good investment. I calkelate to live on that Agitater's Bag at leest tw, years. Necessity is the mother uv invenshun. London is not a bad place to live, ef one ez his wits about him. Tli people are not so confidin ez in Ameriky, but they hev more money. I sh make out, I make no doubt. MIKAEL O'NASBT, (Agitater.)i The Nasby Letters. 393 HE FINDS THE PATRIOT BUSINESS NOT PEOFITABLE. London, (wich is in England), November 1, 1881. I shel give up the biznis uv bein a iFish patriot. The fact is the ser- vant girls and laborers uv Ameriky hev made up their minds to send their contribushens nlirect to the reglar Land League, and hev ruther shut down onto the Independent shops, which Is conducted by Presidents, Secretaries andsich, in London. What I reqwire to do biznis is confidence, and when that nessary artllcle is out of the marliit, I'm a goiier. It's no yoose — my receipts for the past three weeks hezn't bin enuff to keep me in ham sand- wiches, to say nothin uv sich refreshments uv a likwld nacher ez I really must hev to endoor on the terrestial speer. If I hev to skirmish on tick for a- llvin why keep up the farce uv beIn a patriot? Ef cheek hez got to make me a liviil, I kin cheek it Jist ez well in ray privit oapassity ez I Icin ez a liberater. But I am not entirely bereft. The great man is he wich sees oportoonl- ties ez they pass him, and is quick enufC to ketch on. Ef you are smart yep git suthin uv a ijee ez it flits by yfto, ef it's nuthin but a tail holt. My present vencher is one wich I know must succeed, for I hev great faith in British consistency. England is ruled by precedept, and when Eng- land hez onct taken a posishen England is goin to foUer it to its logikle concloosion. ' ~ Last Joon there wuz held In London a meetin uv -English capitalists wich held Confedrit bonds. It will be remembered that English cappitle fur- nisht the sinoos for the war wich the South fit to preserve hooman liberty by perpetooatin slavery. It wuz purely a disinterested love uv freedom that prompted em to do it. The liberty lovin manufacturer uv Manchester wuz eager to hev the cotton factories uv Noo England rooted out, the ship owner uv Liverpool sighed ez he saw the probable enslavement uv the South, cind he sed, "destroy Yankee shippin," and England herself didn't want any rival in the liberty biznes and remarkt quietly, "We deprecayte war, but ef the Amerikin Republic cood be split in two it wood leave England still master uv the world." And so the government shet Its eyes and went to sleep, and the manu- factrers and ship-owners furnished us with guns, and powder, and medi- cines, and money,, and everything else nessary to carry on a war, and ships ez well, with crews into em. And we shot the Yankees with English bul- lets,, out uv English guns, and paid our heros out uv English money. 'Eor these .guns and this money, and the powder and qwinine, -nd the ships England furnisht, we uv the South paid in bonds, wich we shood hev paid hed the disinterested efforts uv England to brush out the Amerikin Republic been successful. S .(jBut it wuzn't a brilliant success. The infernel Tanks, led by Grant, 'whaled us. English bayonits wuz met by Northern bayonits, Enfield rifles wuz confrontid tiy.-.Springfield rifles, and the Stars and Bars went under ; never to rise agin, and to-day a Yankee government rools the crushed Sojith and England gnashes her teeth. ^ ,-, The most persistent gnashers is them wich hold the Confedrit bonds for wioh they .give good money, and It wuz .them wich held the convenshun. They insist on hevin their money and they insist that the Yoonitid States, blow that the Confedrasy is gone,, shel pay them. h "For," sez they with a great deel uv force,' "ef the Confedrasy hed bin 3Q-i The i^ASBr Letters. a success the Confedrits wood heV paid us our money. -Wat pervented the Confedrasy from taein a, success? Fedral arms. Therefore, inesmuch ez Pedral arms crushed the Confedrasy and pervented the Confedrasy from; payln its debt, them wich pervented it shood be held." Ther committee reportid ez follows: It Is argued that the- United States 'can afford to take a generous '"^7^ of *J position, their prosperity having exceeded the most sansnine estimates that couiO possibly 'have been formed, and having now attained such a high posioon amongsti the Nations, the opportunity occurs to remove forever the oniy one blemish attaCU' Ing to American State securities, viz.: the repudiation of these 'oans which wert contracted by the Southern States. Kin anything- be clearer than this? Certainly not. I quite agree with th« English capitalists that them wich pervents the payment uv debts shel be held for them debts, and out uv this grows my present speculashen, wloft will, I doubt not, make me rich and put me forever beyond the necessity uv changln lodging every other week. Ireland is a, part uv the British Empire, jist the same ez the Southern States is a part uv the Yoonitid States. Ireland didn't like English rool jist the same ez the Southern States didn't like the Fedrel government. Ire- land rebelled jist the same ez the Southern States did. The parallel is jist about ez complete ez a Methodist church when it's got its steeple up. Ther wuz an organizashen knowd ez F,enians. For the liberashun uvl Ireland, they organized in Noo Tork, erectid a government with Presidenll and Cougris and Senit and a. Cabinet, and everything complete. So' perfect a government did they hev that they ishood bonds for the purpose of raislri money to prosecute war agin England, and that e-verybody might hev a show In em, even the humblest, they ishood bonds ez low down ez $1, and them bonds wuz taken, too, and paid for in gbod money. Wat happened? The British government made war upon the Fenians; they hung some uv em and transported others, and bust the concern. Con- sequently the bonds ishood by the Fenians wuz never paid, because the British government by crushing out the organization put It out of power tc| pay. Cleerly therefore the British government is held for these bonds, and ez Great Britain hez attained sich a, pitch uv prosperity it shood to wunsi come to the rescue and remove the blemish that attaches to It In eonse- kence uv the repoodiashen uv these secoorities. Nothin is clearer to mj mind than this. The lodgins I now okkepy wuz wunst okkepied by a Fenian Secretarj uv the Tresury, and among the effex wich he left when his landlady histid him out for non-payment uv two week's rent — by the way she hez a jusi claim for that money agin the British government, for, but for the crushlr uv the Fenian government, he wood hev paid — among the effex he left wu! several bales uv Fenian bonds representing some millions, wich I hev. ] wuz about to sell em for old paper till this blessid claim wuz made and 1 clutched era eagerly. There Is wealth in them bonds, for uv course Great Britain will not claim uv others wat she Is not willin to give. I hev called a convenshun uv holders uv Fenian bonds and we shel t( wunst prepare a memorial to the British government demandin the settlej ment uv this biznls. It won't take any writin — I shel simply yoose thi memorial prepared by the British cappytalists in the Confedrit biznls, sim ply changin "Confedrit" to "Fenian," and "Yoonitid States" to "Grea Britain." The case is so similar that no other changes will be necessarsl The British capitalist hez presented my case more forcibly than I kin do id When this clame is settled I shel return to my native land and live i Thb Nabbt LKiraas, S95 luxury all my days. There will be no mors waiting at bars, no more dodg- ing about for the merest existence, no more need for postcfflses and eich, but I sh61 live like a gentleman, and my last days will be my best, I shel glide Into the tomb gracefully, and shel hev suthln more than a pine slab over my remains to mark the spot where I repose. The prospeck Is cheerln. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Bondholder.) P- S. — All persons In Ameriky holdln Fenian bonds will send them to trunst to me, with $1 accompanyin to pay the necessary expenses uv regls- terin and so on. The proceeds will be faithfully remitted ez soon ez the British government pays the bonds, wich uv course it will do immediately after the Toonltld States government pays the Confedrit cotton bonds. Prompt ackshen is requested in this matter, ez I must hev means to hold on in my present lodging till this fite Is fit. I can't struggle successfully When I am obleeged to spend half my time gettln out uv one house and the other half gettln into another. R's too wearln on an old man. P. V. N. ME. NASBY EETUENS FEOM EUEOPE. Confedrit X Roads, (wich is In the State uv Kentucky), March 4, 1882. I am back wunst more to my old stampin gi-ound, back to the sceen uv my triumfs and fallyoors. In the words uv the poet ther ain't no place like home, and ef all homes wuz like the Cross-Roads, the world wood hev rea- son to thank heaven for it. I will not dwell upon my gittin back. I will not harrow up the bosom uv the Amerikin public by narratin my walk from London to Liverpool, my gittin surreptitiously aboard a steamer and bein diskivered as a stow- away and put to shovelin coal, nor wood the long walk from Noo York to "Kentucky tend to restore confldense in the kindly feelln uv the Amerikin people toward tramps. Sufflse it to say that the Corners looked good to me, and the happiest minlt of my life wuz when I pulled up in Basoom's, and Deekin Pogram, from force of habit, asked me to take suthin. But disappointment is the common lot uv mankind, and I am gittin my Bhare uv it. The minlt I got over bein sore footid from too much excur- sion, I looked into the condishn uv the Dimocrlsy, and ishood a, call for a Meeting to thoroly reorganize for the Spring eleckshuns. Doorin my ab- sence the organizashen hed suffered for want uv effishent leedership, and I sed to the saints that wat we wantid wuz to raise the war-cry, to lite up the camp-fires, and to close up the ranks, and to do the other things^ wihch is alluz done in politikle campanes. "We must not permit the demon Republikinism to git a foothold in Kentucky. To my surprise the good Dekin didn't show any symptoms uv closin up the ranks, or litin camp-fires or raisin war cries, nor nothin. He wuz ez apathetic ez a man marryin a woman a hundred years old, and Captn Mc- Pelter and Issaker Gavitt wuz still wuss, and ez for Bascom he abslootly declined to hev anythin to do with it. "Wat Is the matter?" I demanded. "Is the sperit uv Jacksonian Dim- ocrlsy ded? Hez the Corners forgot the faith, and Is ablishnism to invade these sakred precinTcs?" Deekin Pogram remarkt that ef it wuz all the same to me he didn't keer very much about Dimocrlsy, or, for that matter, pollitlx uv any kind. The fact wuz ther hed been a change. Ef I wood cast my eagle eye over to ■31*6 The" Nasby Ldtiees. the -west uv the village I would disklver a Wast furnis In ruther lively operashun, and ef I wood look to the north J wood observe thsr wuz a hemp mill ag-oin on the water power in Seceshn Crik. These two enterprises hed sort o' set up the price uv land in the visinity, and his farm hed gone up in valyoo that he cood sell it for more than the mortgage Bascom held upon it— in short, Bascom, on the strength uv the rise hed given him a noo credit, and he wuz satisfied it wood bear another mortgage uv suffishent size to furnish him likker till death took him where likker wuzn't nessary to his happinis. "But Deekin," I shreeked, "are yoo goin to sucoum to Republikinlsm?"' "But for these mills," replied the sfflflsh old man-, "I shood hev suc- cumed to hunger and thirst. I ain't a Republikin, but ef it wuz Republi- kinlsm that establisht them mills and sot up the price uv my farm, and restored me to life, I prssoom I shel suocum. I take notis we didn't hev no mills here afore. Bz blood is thicker than water so is likker better. I ain't hankerin after a dhamge very much." And Bascom he remarkt that he wuz entirely satisfied with the sit- ooashen. Ther hed bin a great ma:ny noo houses bilt sence the mills wuss put up, and his trade hed increest. Pollock and Joe Bigler got the people here to bild the mills, and Pollock wuz doin a rushin biznis, and after all, while he wuz a Dimocrat, and shood live and die in the faith, he perposed to vote for jist sich measures ez wood keep them mills runnin, and pay the men wich wuz at work into them. Issaker Gavitt and Capt. McPelter ekoed the sentimence uv the Deekin and Bascom, and I found it impossible to git. up even a meetin, to say nothin uv raisin a fund for campane expenses, with me ez Treasurer. This in the Corners! The fucher uv the Dimocrisy is dark Indeed. Them mills is belchin smoke from their accursed chimneys and in that smoke my hopes is enveloped in suthin like a pall. The people uv the Cor- ners is all at work arid doin well, noo houses, is bean erectid, ther is all the money that is needid and it is good for suthin, the farmers come daily to the Corners with ther prodoose wich Pollock buys, and pays for, and every- body seems doin well. "Wat chance is ther for a reformer like me when two mills is runnin full time and payin their hands, and everything is go- in on well? "Wat chance is ther for a Dimocratic leeder were everything is goin on in this distressin way? "Wat use is ther for me to demand a change in the name uv a suffrin people when ther alnt no suffrin? "Wat use ther in attemptin to revive the anshent Dimocratic feelin when Dim- ccrats soopinely perpoose to vote for Republikin measures jist becoz the price uv ther land hez gone up, and becoz ther biznis is good? ""We must reorganize the party and git in shape," sed I. "Twenty noo houses is goin up in the west end," sed Deekin Program. "Eternel vigilence is our only safegard agin Radikelism," sed I. "The hemp mails took on five noo hands yisterday," sed Bascom. Then I groaned. All I could git out uv these recklis men wuz noc houses, and noo men in the mills, and sich disgustin detales._ • "Wat we hev got to hev is a, calamity, a wide-spread and sufflshentlj calamitus calamity to redoose everybody to distress. This disgustin pros perity which hez sot in hez completely paralyzed the Dimocrisy, anc nothin but a trouble of sich magnitood ez to bring the ken try to. its verj knees, will awaken em. Ef that calamity don't come, Dimocrisy is ded and its funeral orashun mite ez well be pronounst to wunst. I wish I hed stayed in Europe, 'rhey turn the cold shoulder to mi The Kasbt I/BTtEaa. S97 here, and Inlass distress uv some kind occurs my mlshn Is at an end, and t mite ez well sink Into my grave with great dispatch. I shel stay a few weeks more here and e£ no disaster okkurs to change this hifernel prosperity I shel leeve. There Is a chance that the mills may burn up, and Pollock and Blgler may git the small pox, and men go about the streets with nothin to do, in wich case I shel hev suthin to agitate onto, but onless something uv the kind happens Immegitly Dlmocrlsy is dsad in the Corners, and the Republikins will carry it. Dlmocrlsy must hev sdme kind uv distress- to go on. I hev one gleem only. The spring Is very forrerd and the froot may be killed, and I hev hopes that the wheat is badly winter-killed. Ef this Is so I hev one nale on wich to hang expectashen, but even then the out-Vook is gloomy. The dlscurridging fact remains that the iron and hemp mills are in full blast, and that the farmers hev accoomulatid enuff to tide em over even ef ther shood be one totle fail- yoor. I cna't burn the mills, and it is out uv my power to perdoose a t^il- yoor uv the crops, and so I spose the dieintegrashun uv the Dlmocrlsy must go on. It is terrible. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Late Eggsile.) P. S. — Bascom jist informed me that the people hed so got into the habit uv payin cash that he hed did away with books altogether, and that he Bhood reqwire cash from this time out. Thus another iron enters my soul. Republikinism in the Corners and my credit shut off! Gabrel may sound his horn ez soon ez it soots his convenience. SOME LIGHT ON THE IRISH QUESTION". Confedrlt X Roads, (which is in the State of Kentucky), , March 14, 1882. Sence my return from across the boundin billers, I hev notlst that the Amerlkln press is full uv narrashens uv the suffrins and woes uv the. Irish peasantry, wich in consekenoe uv the pernishus advice uv hot headed lead- ers is refoosin to pay rent for the land they hev bin okkepyln. Is ther no two sides to this question ? Let the Amerikin public paws ind consider before it comes to a conclooshun on this pint. Is ther no s'uffrin among the aristocratic classes becoz uv the refoosle nv the Irish to pay rent? Well do I remember jist after the war in Ken- tucky how acootly ex-slaveholders suffered becoz the freed niggers refoosed lo work for ther former masters onless ther pay oood be ashoored. Poor old John Guttle, uv Mobeel, wuz, in consekence uv this refoozle, redoost to drinkin spring, water, and he died uv inflammashen uv the bowels. His two sons wuz actilly compelled to plow and plant and reap theirselves, a fate Wich a troo Southerner looks upon ez the next thing to death. But It wuz •work or stavashen for em. The sufErin growin out uv Irish matters is not all on one side. When in England I wTiz well acquainted with the butlers and upper servance uv several noble families, and I kin tell tales that wood harrow up the sole uv anybody but a Irish agitater. The Duchess of Slushinton owns very large estates lir County Mayo, the family hevin bin in possession uv em sence Cromwell druv off the Irish. Ez the family hez held these lands three hundred yeers ther can't be no question ez to ther title. In the old and happy days the Irish tenants paid all the rent they cood, 598" The Naibt LrrraES. and the Duchess tkiz comfortable. She was a kind landlord -and It wuz her beast that not more than a hundred uv her tenants hed died uv star- vashen senoe she hed managed the estate. She never eggsacted more uv em than they cood pay, and never evicted a tenant so long ez they hed sons and dawters in Ameriky to keep the rent up, and she never forbid em makln any improvement on the land they wantid to. Under the tetchins uv the feendish Land Leaguers, these tenants hev refoosed to pay their rents. And for what reason? Simply this. The Duchess' eldest dawter wuz married to Lord Mutanhed last year, and uv course hed to hev a outfit. The weddin, the outfit and the house she hed to give the young couple, with the Joolry and_ bosses and kerridges and all that wuz expensive. Then the bridal toor, which took in all iilurope, cost a pile uv money and where wuz the Duchess to git it? Of her tenants, uv course; where else? And so she directed her agent to raise the rent to meet these eggsigencles, and to push the collecshun uv such ez wuz in arrears. The rent wuz raised, some 50 families wich pretended they coodent pay wuz evictid, and the rest uv the tenance simply sed that inesmuch ez they hed bin payin all they cood possibly git off the land, besides all they cood earn workln summers in England, and all their children in Ameriky sent em, they coodent do no more and they mite ez well lay down now ez to put it ofC a while. And so they refcose to pay. Consekently the Duchess Is sufErin acootly. She had to economise, to re- trench,- and there is distress in the town house in London, alarm in th resi denoe in Paris, and the palis at Florence is shut up altogether. This dis- tress is far reechin. The butler, wich never drunk nothin but port wine all his life is no^ redoost to Bass ale, and his salery is cut down 20 per sent. The footmen hev bin redoosed in number, and she hez bin compelled to let em appear in ther nateral hair, not beln able to afford powder. I shel never forgit the devoshun uv one uv em, to my dyin day. When the powder for ther hair wuz cut off, he still appeared with his head es white ez before. The faithful creature, determined to keep us the appear- ances uv the family hed actilly powdered his hed with flour, and the resi uv the servance inspired by his sublime example powdered their hair witl flour also. They managed to git on with a trifle less than a barl a week. The Duchess wuz compelled to sell one pair uv carriage bosses to sav( their keep, wich leaves her only seven pairs, all told. One uv the ponies u\ her little son, Clarence, hed to be dispensed with, leevin the deer child bn three, and a pet monkey belonging to Miss Clara hed to be sacrificed, e: the confecshnary it wuz fed onto wuz expensive. One lady's maid wuz dis missed, three men servance, the crewuv the family yacht wuz dismissed and the Duchess gave but one grand recepshun doorin the season, and tha wuz not so perfoose ez formerly. It wuz r.essarily in a stile uv seven simplissity. The only one In the family who wuz not compelled to retrench wni the eldest son, the fucher Dock. He wuz the pride uv the family, and h wuz permitted to keep his bosses, his hounds, his yacht, and his apart mense In the prinsiple capitals. Is ther any thin so holy ez a mother's love? Not any. That Frederic! may keep up the family repootashen he goes on ez yoosual, while hi mther and sisters discharge lady's maids, and yoose flour in the hair u ther servance instid uv powder. The ISasby Letters. 399 When the sosiety for alleviatin the distress uv female proprietors- uv Irish lands wuz organized, the Duchess refoosed to take any part uv the funds raised. "Ther are others," sed this noble woman, "wich need it more than I. Lady Splash Is compelled to git on with one man servant and three maids —help her. Mrs. Col. Bomb hez dismissed two servance, and hires out all her horses but one pair— help her. The Slushintons kin endoor poverty ez they hev enjoyed comforts." ' I can't understaiid the Irish at all. *^ Distress! Ef the stubborn Irish tenantry want to know what distress reely is they want to come to London, and notis the efCeck uv ther re- foosle to pay rent. They will find discharged servance wich alluz enjoyed all the luxuries uv life, men and wlmmen wich alluz hed the best uv every- thing, sittin moodily in the public houses, and redoosed to drinkin 'arf and 'arf, and in many dases plain gin. They would see kerridges wich wunst held the upper serkles, exposed for sale, and the bosses uv the bet- ter classes sold. The tailors and milliners mourn the non-payment uv rent by the Irish, for ef the landlords can't collect the rent how are their sons and dawters to array themselves In purple and fine linen? The grocers, the butchers, bakers, confectioners and wine merchants are gloomy, for when the Irish farmers yon't pay how are they to fare sumptuously every day? Distress! "Why, In more than one noble manshun where I wuz alluz a .welcome guest in the servant's drawl n rooms, the servance themselves hev been redoost to meat only twict a day, and ther wine hez either bin cut off altogether, or the quality so redoost that a gentleman kin scarcely drink it. And all this wide spred sufCerin becoz Ireland won't pay rent. But this distress is not confined to the nobility. : Mr. Samuel Gripus wuz formerly agent for Lord Golosh, and he accoomolated a very hand- some property in Ireland, on the pro seeds uv wich he hez lived for many yeers in genteel comfort. Ez his family growd up he hed to educate em, wich took money, and one uv his sons went wild, and cost him a great deal uv money. He wuz a conscientious man, and paid his son's debts promptly, and met the expenses uv his risin family nobly, wich he did by raisin the rent uv his Irish tenants from time to time ez the occasion de- manded. I hev seen the good old man's letters to his agent in Ireland. "Young Sam hez lost a thousand pounds a gamblin last nite, and it is a debt uv honor and must be paid. Raise the rents all around and remit ez soon ez possible." Or this-T-"Sain. hez got into trouble with a woman and hez conipermised it and must hev money. The rents isn't high enufE." And so it went on till the estates wuz yeeldin very well, though ez Sam didn't reform, and the young ladies wuz rieedin more and more money ez they got older, the poor old man wuz in constant worry. And now that his tenants hev refoosed to pay at all, on the flimsy pre- text that ef they do all work on the land they are entitled to more than two meals uv potatoes a day, and some little clothin, the good Mr. Gripus hez bin compelled to shut off Sam's allowance, or, wat is the same, redoose it to $500 a year, and to retrench right and left. There is but one pair uv bosses for the entire family, and only, six servance, male and female, in the whole house. I cood euoomerate any number uv these cases but it Is uv no yoose. 400 The- Nasby Letters. An Irish farmer won't see any distress but his, own, and will, I suppose, still refooze to consider the inconvenience ther course is causin. They don't understand that they are yoosed to two meals uv potatoes a day, while the Duchess of Slushingrton ain't yoosed ~to gettin on without bosses and sich, and young Sam Gripus actilly needs the excitements uv fashion- able life. A Irishman is naterally illogikle. But the Duchess and Mr. Gripus hev the British government behind em, and these rebels agin the laws uv property will be doubtlis brought to reason. When ther Is power enuff in Ireland to keep em in restraint I shel apply for a place ez a agent. It, wood fit me eggsackly. PETROLEUM V.. NASBY, Late Eggsile. ME. JSTASBY hears ELECTION NEWS. ' ' ' • Vienna, (Wich is iA Despotic Austria,) November 11, 1882. I hev heerd from my once dividid but now entirely yoonited kentry, and am correspondingly happy. Ohio, 30,000 Dimekratic, Noo Tork suthin over 150,000, Connecticut, Massichoosits, (there is a hope for the vilest sin- iier now,) a Dimekratic guvnor in Michigan! "Well, it wuz rather too much. I shood hev got bilin full imme.iitly, but ther ain't no whisky here. Sod corn whisky uv the vintage uv three weeks ago is the only likker in wich •it is proper to cellebrate a Dimekratic viktry. Brandy is altogether too gentlemanly a bowel-warmer for that purpus, and that is all yoo kin git here. Of course I shel immejitly come home, for I am shoor now that the Corner? will give me a decent livin till 1884, on the bare prospex uv a Dim- ekratic President wich can not :help but make me postmaster somewhere, or give some other place wich will lubricate my passage to the silent tomb, and enable me to live not only in some sort uv comfort, but pay at least a trifle onto the debts wich hev bin accoomoolatin so long. There is other reasons , for my immejit return. The Dimokrtsy wuz never in need uv prudent counsels ez much ez now. I shood hev bin better satisfied hed our victry come to us in smaller proporshuns. A drouth is bad for crops, but it aint half ez bad ez a, freshet that rips things. We hev Jlst lied a freshet. Likewise I am not well pleased at the kind uv recroots we got, wlchi enabled us to win this glorious victry. We hev alluz hed the Irish, wich wuz grievous becoz they allwuz demanded, and hed to hev to keep em steddy, at least half uv the offices, wich cut up the profits uv bein a Dim- ekratic leader ama,zinly. Now, the Germans are onto us, and a mighty heavy slice uv niggers. Wat Is goin to happen ? I kin see in my mind's eye a, Dimekratic convenshun next yeer. Kin see Germans comln to the front and demandin their share; niggers comin to the front and demandin their share, and the Irish, wich wuz never modest about clalmin their share, as kin for still more on akkount uv the greatnis uv the victry. The conundrum to be ansered is wat is gpin to be left to us, the old origlnels ? Wher are we to come in ? We hev alluz divided with the Irish patriots; is ther offices enuff to stand divides into two more parts ? I don't like this kind uv assistance to win victrys. The kind uv help I want Is that uv Republlklns uv principle, who kick over the Republikin party, not for the sake uv offis, but because uv its corrupshen, and leeve The !Nasby Letters. 401 us to run the offlses wlch they help us to. I want reel good men, uv the George Willyum Curtis kind,' wich bleeves in civil servis reform, and to git It supports John Kelly and sich. I want men uv that stripe, wich, in order to lay out favoriUsm in offls helps Tammany Dimokrisy into rool I want pure reformers, like them in Pennsylvany, wich splits up the Re- publlkln party and don't ask nothin in return. I want sich men ez them m JIassychoosits, wich, to purify things, makes Ben Butler guvnor. In short, wat I want is to hev Republikins vote the Bimekratic ticket, or not vote at all, and at the sam-? time stay in the Republikin camp. Sich men acheeve the vlctry for us, but don't claim any share in the plunder. Then I deerly luv to Jiev the Prohibitionists, wioh, in order to pervent the sale uv likker, casts with delightful regelarity a half a vote for the s'loon interest. I ain't shure but wat a Prohibitionist is uv more yoose to uf than a s'loon man, for, bein alius a, moral man, he hez more weight. Troo, he oan't inflooence the patriots wich rekwire to be kep full two months afore eleckshun to carry the Dimekratlo ticket, : and six weeks af- ter glorify! n over the success; but all them we get anyhow. The Prohibi- tionist wich remains troo to his convickshuns and votes his ticket flrmly is the most comfortable ally the Dimocrisy hez. While he helps the s'loon- keeper, by not votin the Republikin ticket, jlst ez much ' ez we do, he don't come brawlin., around our caucusses insistin upon bein made county treasurer. He's a deliteful help 'to us. But I .don't know ez we kin help it. The fact is the Republikin party is made up uv a great many moral idees, and it is a weeknis uv the man wich hez jist one moral idee to think that that one moral idee is the only moral idee wuth considrin, and he hez a moral enmity to every other man's moral idee. Dimocrisy is much: simpler and more easily un- derstood. Dimocrisy meajis postoiBs, pure and simple, and it alluz attrax all the classes wich are aftpr postoflis. • ^ The beer element, wich is a. late accession, may bother us somewat, for it hez a vital intrest in the matter and will insist upon a, square recog- nition. It isn't postpffis they want^t is the profits on beer — and they may give us ^trouble. However, it don't amount to much. They will drive out uv the Dimocrisy the too respectable membership, the few wich hev moral idees, but they never did feel to home with us, anyhow. Anyhow I shel come home. There ain't another eleckshun till next spring, and we kin. satisfy our noo allies till then with the local offises. We kin maJte nxayors, justices uv the peace, constables and sich, and next fall kin hold em with resolooshens in our convenshuns. They won't be able to git away till after the next Presidenshel elecshun, and if the civil servis reformers and Prohibishunists and revenoo reformers and all them carry ther ooshuns into .the Presidenshel campane, it will give us the patronage uv the ginera.1 government to divide, and that will be enuff for me the remnant uv my days. Ef the present glneration uv Dimekrats ■^with a. Congris and a President — can't appropriate enuff to make them comfortable all th*e rest.uv ther days, they ain't the men I take em for. I shell. sail jist ez. goon ez I decide wich line it is the easiest to stow- away on. Jubilant, but doubtful, PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (With hopes). 402 The Nasby Letters, SOCIAL AND POLITICAL CONDITION OF THE CORNERS [ ' Confedrit X Roads,' ' (wioh is in the State av Kentucky). Joon 12, 1883. While not eggsackly ez I cood wish it in all respecks, things at the Corners Is tollable. I have taken a ook over the hull county, and I find very little change in It sence I took my toor and mixed with nobility in the effete monarkies uv Toorup. Ther hez bin some change in the Corners. Pollock and Joe Bigler went Bast and interested some bloatid bond-holders uv Massachoosits in a iron mill, ther bein iron in the co nty, wich brot a lot uv Noo England fanatics here, wich ajl vote the Rep blican tikkit, and hev a church and a skool in wich they edikate niggers to reed and write, and they keep up a Kepublikin organlzashen, and do other things wich puts em at variance with the pervailin sentiment uv the Corners. We shood hev no objeckshun to ther- comin with- their money, and put- tin up Iron works and sioh, pervided they wood conform ' to our customs, but they won't. The men, when they are paid off, never come to Bas- com's to leeve their money; they refoose to mix in our cawcusses and vote our tikkit; the persist in hevin a church, and every Sunday, instid uv as- slstin at quarter races and sich, they put on biled shirts and starched collars, and hev a, rellgus meetin and Sunday skools. A biled shirt and starched collar is a insult to the Corners, ceptin at weddins and foonerals. t But that iron mill can't last long. The next Congris will be Dimekra- tic, and will settle its hash when it tackles the tariff. We shel be relecved uv that, and the Corners will wunst more be itself agin. At Secessionville everything is goin on as yoosual. Bascom's wile's brother hez the wet grosery ther, ar.d he is doln neerly ez well ez Bascom. He hez a mortgage onto pretty neer all the property within five miles uv him, and he hez the farmers in sich a shape that they are workln al- most entirely for him. He hez a mortgage on their stumlcks, and when a s'loon-keeper gits a man wich kin earn money in that shape, and kin let the stuff alone hisself, he hez a soft thing. A man with the alcohol dis- ease in his stumick, complicated with seven-up and pin-pool, is tha sole property uv the most convenient grosery. He caji't git away from it. A regler likker s'loon with a card-table will beet an Amerikin wife, family, church and Sunday skool. It is the one thing on earth that hez supreme contiole. Kernel McPelter, under the inflocense uv a Northern Baptist preecher and a, mortgage wich wuz rapidly growin, made a desprit struggle to beet Enscom a yeer ago, but it wuz a totle failyoor. He stayed away two nltes, and then returned, apologisin to Bascom for wat he hed defraudid him out uv. Bascom generusly forgive him, and let him take his old place. "I shood hev bin a trifle better off to-day," sed Bascom, "hed yoo not attempted this impossibility, but never mind. Kernel; I shel git all you hev In time. Wat yoo want to do is to make yoorself comfortable while yoo her any property to mortgage. Yoo shel hev all yoo want." The Kernel, to save suthin to his family, contemplated startin a gro- sery hisself, so that he mite git his own likker at wholesale, and also mortgages f nto his nabors; but his fell deslne cum to Basooai's eaj-. G. W. laffed it to skors. Thb Nasbt" Lsttbrb. ' 403 "It takes eappytle to earry yoo Mlown, and wher 1b the Kernel to gtt ItT He shood bev thought uv this before he stood »o long at my bar." That's wafs the trouble. G. W. hez all the avalable cappyllp uv tho Comers, and we are helpUs. He hez us in the holler uv his hand. And then Bascom went on to morall/.in, wich is suthin he don't otlen do. "I am quite aweer," he sed, "that every one uv yoo fellers woud git avny from me and my brother-in-law at Secessionville, ef yoo cood. But yoo can't. "When yoo' are wunst fattened in our bars, yoo stay. Youmu.t hev lik'cer, and you will. Preechers may preech and politikle economists may talk, but once yoor eyes is sot, likker is suvrin. The only trouble is yoo don't live long enough to be ez yooseful to me and the distillers and the brewers ez yoo ought to be. The d d stuff kills yoo too soon. I wish I cood settle among a race uv men wich hed no livers, and whose itumicks wuz glass-lined and backed up with fire brick, onto wich sod- eom whisky wood hev the same exhileratin effeck that it does on flesh, Wltliout burnin it out. The trouble with me is yoo don't live long enuff. Too die too young to give us all we want uv yoo. Ef a man wich spends a dollar a, day at my bar dies at 30 in consekence uv the likker he drinks, hiS hez paid me mity little, all things considered. Kf I cood invent a lik- ker wich wood keep that man bound to me for 20 yeers longer, you see I wood hed 20 years more yoose uv him. But that likker never wuz in- vented. And the misforchoon uv my biznis is^ that my customers die jest at the age when they shood be raakin more money for me. "But I don't see how it is to .be helped, and my only consolashen is I git all they hev, and by the time they hev bin about my place for 20 years ther ain't enuff uv em left to be uv much yoose to me anyhow. So long ez I kin work it ez It is, I 'spose I ought to be satisfied. But it d^jes worry me to see men loafln about the streets without the energy to work, so that they may be able to buy more likker. I shood like to hev a likker that wood act onto the system so that a man cood drink all he wantid to and still work. It's tantallzin to see a man with a appetite in- capable uv labor. And when one occasionally survives and comes to your age, parson, the iron enters one's soul to keep chargin up likker to ac- count, instld uv coUectin cash on every drink, ez it ought to'be." Bascom is entirely right. He hez us. In my twenty yeers at the Cor- ners I hev seen a long line uv men go down, and I notis that the land they wunst owned G. W. hez now the legle title to. XTv course ef they hed lived longer he wood hev got niort out uv em, for they wood hev worked the land longer, and he wood hev got the proceeds, and the land wood hev come to him jist the same in the end, but the ways uv Providence is in- scrutlble. Ef Bascom cood live forever, and his customers shood live ez long ez he did, and preserve the capassity for absorpshun, he wood, in time, own the huU state. In poUytiks the county is jist the same ez ever. We bleeve ez uv yore, that the war agin the South wuz unholy, and we bleeve in Dimocrisy, ez We understand it. We don't keer very much wat the Dimocrisy uv the North hold to, or wat they call Dimocrisy, knowin perfeckly well that When we come into power we shel do the constrooin uv the platforms. A poet wunst sed, "I keer not who makes the laws for the people ef I kin make the songs." I don't keer who makes the platforms for the Dimoc- risy, so that we uv the South kin do the constrooin. It's the constrooin that counts. They may play "Tariff for Revenoo" to fool the people uv Pennisyl- 40 i 1'hb Hasby LuTtuas. vany on the one hand, and the people uv Illlnoy on the other, but wat is reely to be the tariff we uv the South, wich furnishes the votes to elect Dimekratic Presidents, will finelly decide. On one question, however, we won't permit no construction. We still bleeve in States' rites, jist the same ez we alluz did, and that doctrine for wich Kernel McPelter fought, and Deekin Pogram bushwhacked every dark nite, Is ez sacred to us ez ever. We hold to the rite of secession; we hold that the state is sooperior to the gineral government, and while we probably shel never succeed in redoosln the nigger to his< normal oon- dlshen, wher we wunst hed him, we shel at leest insist that he shel never be considered the ekal uv the white, and that our dawters shel be pertekted against marryin uv him. Ther ain't much left uv the anshent Dimocrisy, but on thes^ pints the Kentucky Dimekrat is inflexible and immovable. On these proposishens we kin alluz rally our full strength. I send greetin to our friends North, and ashoor em that whoever is found falthlis they may alluz depend upon Kentucky to rally to the poles election day for the tikkif'that is nominatid, and also that she will be promptly to the front when the spoils is to be divided. PKTROLKUM V. NASBT, (On His Native Heath, and No Longer a Eggsile). ME. NASBY AND THE GORNEES UAVE TROUBLE. Confedrit X Roads, (wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Joon 21, 1883. The amount uv trubble I hev hed to git properly fixed at the Corners is suthin terrible. After it wuz finelly agreed that I shood cum back on the old footin, and wuz to be decently pervided for, Bascom kicked and went back on the hull arrangem3nt. In the most "brootal manner he told me,' nite afore last, that his likker cost money, and he'd be dam ef he'd set it out on sich prospecks uv payment ez I hed held out to him. He demandid cash on delivery, and insistid on hevin the 10 cents per drink paid in advance to pervent mistakes. It is curus wat a power these ba -keepers hev over us! Ef I shood go Into a clothin store, and the clothin man shood insist upon pay in ad- vance, I shood laff him to skorn. I shood remark that the weather wuz warm, and that clothin wuz only a, luxury anyhow; that Adam and Eve when in a, state uv innosense didn't need clothin, and why shood I? Money bein the root uv all evil, and I hevin none uv the root, and iDein, oon- sekently, in a state uv innosense, why shood I want clothin enufC to go to any trouble about it? We kin manage to laff at the clothin men, the butchers and bakers, but when it comes to likker, that is a serious matter and not to be lafEed at. Watever else we may lack, that and terbacker we must hev. And so I wuz compelled to compermise with Bascom, ez hoomlliatin ez it wuz. He knows his vantage ground — he knows tha Insaahiabiiity uv a diseased stumlck. I finelly come to an understandin and an agreement with him, wich he will stand by — in fact he must. He hez agreed to it afore witnesses. I am to come into his place ez early ez 8 in the mornln, and am tc sit there stiddy till 12 at nite, to reed the noosepaper to the Dimocrisy wlcl happen In doorln the day and evenin. Just after the arrival uv the mulf team wich brings passengers and tha mail over from Secessionvillo, I she The Kasby Letters, 405 hev to go to FllkSn's tavern to see ef any lirummers from LooIsvUle ar- rived, and ef so to bring em over to Bascom's ef possible. I bind myself to accept every invitashen to drink, and am to reseeve remoonerashen ez follows : On bH drinks nv hard llkker inflooenoed by me from strangers 3 fionts facli On beer Inflooenced by me 11-2 cents eatii Cn likker drunk by myselj, on the invitashen uv regler customers. ...3 cents eiioli Wlch is to say that on origlnel blznis, created by myself, I get a com- Mission, not only on wat I drink but on wat they drink, but on regler cus- tomers, them on whose stumicks Basoora considers he hez a mortgage, a prescriptive right, I only git commission on wat I consoom, Bascom con- ffedin that were I not there his receipts would be Just that much less. 1 am not to receeve my commissions in money. They are simply cred- ited up to me, to be taken out in kind, on rainy days when nobody is in, but when I must hev my supplies jist the same. And further, I am tc^hev R line uv credit at the bar, never to exceed $2 beyond my commishuns, that I may be kept alive when biznis is dull. I agree also to read to the Dimocrisy sich papers as Bascom/ may take, to conduct Dimekratic meetings, and sich religious convocashens ez Ihey may deem necessary. Deekin Pogram is to find me in food, on credit, till I git the postoffls. t refer to this ez a, part uv the agreament, though that it is a matter uv no importance — purely a miner conslderashun. Wat little I eat is a mat- ter uv- very little consekence. The mane pint is the likker, and that ashoored, everything is safe. I think now I hev passed the crisis. Life with me hez bin passin A succeshn uv crises, though this wuz the closist I ever hed. I am now comfortable, and shel be till we come to the eleckshun uv 1884. Ef we win. It shel hev the postoffis, wich will ashoor me for four yeers at least, and' ef t shood survive that, I shel hev established a. credit wlch will sustane me doorin the few years I hev to tarry here in the valley and shadder. With my nose and toes turned up under six feet uv ground it makes no differ- ence to me wat rools Bascom institoots, or wat he does. Others may skir- mish for existence In my old place, but I shel be beyond earthly wants. The condishn politikelly is ez good ez cood be wished for by the most Banguine. The iron mill "hez some strength, wich, ef combined with the niggers, mite bother ua. But the niggers ain't permittid to vote, bein in- ferior beins wich prefer to spend th-jir money on skools instid uv bein soshable at Bascom's, and the iron m Us reseeved a staggerer by the re- duckshen uv the tariff, and ain't workin on full thne. One more Dime- cralik Congris will wipe out that concern and leeve us ez strong ez ever. Our own vote we controle ez alluz, Bascom holdin em in the holler uv his hand. With Bascom prosperin, the Dimocrisy is entirely safe. Soshelly, we are hevin some trouble. Mrs. Bascom went to Looisville last week, and come home with two new silk dresses and some silk stock- ings, and, shoes wich button instead uv bein tied with calf-skin strings. Now good close ain't any yoose to a woman onless she :ji;in show em, and BO last Sunday Mrs. B. cum to the meetin-house with all her noo toggery - onto her, and she sot so ez to show them cussid shoes and the silk stock- ings in all their glory. It wuz very injoodishus. Jtfrs. Kernel McPelter, wich hezn't hed a noo pare uv shoes for five years, and Mirandy Pogram, who^ginerally takes advantage uv the warm 406 ThB NAgB7 LsTTBas. weather to come to church beooz uv beln able In summer to eome bare- footed, and Issaker Gavitt's wife, whose shoes is uv calf-skin tied with leather strings and whose stocklns is uv wool, knll by herself, they held a. convenshun to-wunst. Mrs. Kernel McPelter remarkt that ef some wimmim's husbands kept a grosery at wich other wimmen's hvisbands spent the heft uv their time, and all uv ther money, some v/immen cood hev silk gownds, and sllli stocking and buttoned shoes, likewise. Mirandy Pogram remarkt that e^' the old fool, her father, cood only be kept out uv Bascom's, she mig'htev shoes to go to church into, and Issaker Gavitt's wife suggested that Mrs. Bascom wuz a wearin dry goods wich they wuz a payin for, through the raejum uv ther husband's stumicks. They wuz jined by about a hundred other female malcontents, who can't be made to understand that the one thing on earth wuth livin foi is a grosery, and that the priusiple biznis uv mankind is to pour theij money into grosery keeper's tills, murmured, likewise, and they resolved to make it warm for Bascom and his wife. "Wat they are goin to do I don't know, but a hundred infooriatid women kin make a great deel uv trouble ef they git woke upi We can't afford to drive em to eggstreme measures, for ef they shood strike who wood do the fai-m work while we are gettin ourselves into condishn to save the kentry at Bascom's? I shudder to think wat wood happen ei Miss Mirandy Pogram shood refoose to do the milkin and butter-makinj and help at the plantin, and savin the craps. The good old Deekin wood hev to resine his place at Bascom's and do it hisself, and I — where woo(| my subsistence come froin? "We ain't got no niggers to do our work nowj and somebody must do it. "We can't change — we must live like troo KenJ tucky gentlemen. ' I insistid that Mrs. Bascom don't inflame the female mind uv the Cor- ners any more, by wearin them store cloze at home. "We hev desidid she shel go to Looisville wunst a month to sport em, but they must not bf seen any more her. It is too dangerus an experiment. Ez Bascom gita all our money we can't pertend to dress our wives and dawters ez he does hizzen, and so we can't afford to enrage em to a pint wher they will abj Blootly rebel. This will probably settle It. "We hev given It out alreddy that th( cloze she wore that Sunday wuz given her by a rich sister in Cincinnati It takes a great deel uv intelleck to run both ends uv a commoonity. PETROLEUM V. NASBX", (In comparative comfort). THE WOMEN MAKE IT WAEM FOE MfiS. BASCOM. Confedrlt X Roads, (wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), Joon 26, 1883. The Corners is just now passin through a crisis wich is suthin ter rible. For four days the foundashena uv the grite deep hev bin brokei up, and chaos hez come agin. For the fust time in my life I realized H the full the entire significanse uv the passage, "Man is uv few days an| full uv trubble." I hev hed trubble emjfC within the past four days to nO| only turn my hare gray, but to change the color uv the scalp from wloj the hare fled yeers ago. It is all the fault uv Mrs. Bascom, wich despite our warning, wood wea The Nasby Letters. 407 a noo silk dress and red silk stookiligSy and button shoes to church, last Sundy. After the expression uv dissent made by Mirandy Pogram, Mrs. Kernel McPelter and Mrs. Issaker Ga\ltt, and the other enraged females uv the Corners, she promised to wear em no more, at home, but the desire . wich is implantid in every female buzm to show all the dry goods ahe hez wuz too strong for her, an<^ so last Sundy she bloomed out gayer than ever, and thereby set the entire feminine popelashen uv the Corners in a state uv frenzy, wich is easier to imagine than describe. Ther wuz a sekret meetin held at Issaker Gavltt's, wich it wuz easy to do, ez Issaker is alluz at Bascom's 'ceptin at meal times, and even then he is ther ef tie knows I hev a noo man from Looisville wich hez money to spend and wants to do it, so ther wuz no difficulty in hevin a, sekret meetin uv wimmen at his house. Wat they resolved or wat wuz sed at that meetin nobody knows nor never will, but the results wuz made painfully apparent to us immejitly. At 7 o'clock that nite aboutl 25 uv em marched into Bascom's and as- tonished us by takin the best seets and the best places in the bar. Mirandy Pogram sot in one cheer and put her feet up into another and tilted back in the most comfortable attitood possible. Mrs. Kernel McPelter leaned up agin the bar, smokin- a clay pipe, and the others as- soomed other attitoods ez nateral ez life. Some uv em cocked ther feet on cheers, ez we do, and did it jist ez well, only petticoats ain't ez handy ez trowsers for that kind uv comfort- takin. However, the wimmin uv the Corners, ceptin Mrs. Bascom, ain't very much bothered with cloze. Bascom turned pale. ''Wat do yoo want here?" he gasped. "This ain't ,no place for wimi men !" "Ain't it!" exclaimed Mrs. Kernel McPelter. "We shel see. Any place that is good enuff for my husband. Kernel Cashus McPelter, the father uv my children, and, sence his niggers wuz sot free, uv all his chil- dren, is plenty good enuff for me. I promised to cleeve unto him and I am going to do it. Ez Naomi remarkt, 'Wher he goest ther will I go.' Bas- com, set 'em up. I don't jist know wat 'set 'em up' means, but I hev often heard the Kernel murmur them words jist after he hed rolled into bed with his boots on. Watever 'set era up' means, yoo do it!" ■"Who is to pay?" "The Kernel. He takes all the money I work for, and he must therefore pay for settln em up." "But yoo wimmen don't want llkker." , Then Mirandy broke in: "Don't we, tho? Do yoo want it? Does that old fool, the Deekin, want it? Does that hoary-headed fraud, old Nasby, want it? If they do, we do. Just the same ez men. We hev stumicks to be scorched and bowels to be irritatid. If it adds anything to human happinis to burn and scorch innards, then ours must be burnt and scorched. Ef it amoozes yoo to git full, and come home at 12 o'clock at nite, it will amooze us. Wat's sauce for the Corners gander must be sauce for the Corners goose. Set em up, Bascom. We long to be happy." "Yes," sed Mrs. Issaker Gavitt, "Mrs. Bascom kin hev noo silk gownds, all flounced and frilled, and silk stockins, and shoes that button, while we go bare-footed. We mite hev the same ef our husands didn't spend all ther money in likker, and deprive us uv good cloze, ther must be suthin in likker sooperior to good close. Ez we can't hev the good close, we will 408 The JNasby Letters. q hev wat is better than good close. All the pleasures uv life ain't a goin to be continually on one side. G. W., set um up!" And ez Bascom didn't move fast enuff, bein in a sort uv dazed con- dition, Mirandy Pogram rushed behind the bar and sot out glasses and the familiar old bottle, and the entire bilin uv em rushed up to the iar. In a Instant the bottle wuz empty, and Mirandy went to the red-headed, barl and filled it, turnin the spigot so that over a gallon uv the elixir uv -lite wuz spilled afore Bascom got presence uv mind enuff to shet off the mur- derous streem. They drank the likker, and then snatched up the pipes a-nd terbackr er, and took ther seets, and sot in solium silence till Mrs. Gaviti she or- dered Bascom to set 'em up agin, wish he wuz compelled to do, preferria to handle the likker hisself to hevin unskilled hands f oolin arougdi with , his spigot. They drunk that, and after more talk Mirandy Pogram, or- dered Bascom to set em up agin. By this time the party hed become hilarious and frisky. They or- dered us out uv the bar-room, and told us to go home and do the milkln and other work about the respective houses, when I attemptid to remou« strata and argoo the pint with em. . I commenst to instruct em that woman is the weeker vessel, ■■ when ^iiirandy hissed thro her teeth: "She mite hev bin the weeker vessel orig- inely, but after a long and arduous experience at the wash-tub, and split- tin oven-wood, and hoeifi corn, she kin probably hold her own with men wich hez hed less exercise." And three uv em jumjied onto me and kerried me out to the horse troff, and deposited me tenderly in it. Then the histed out the Deekin, Issaker and the Kernel, threw Bascom over his bar, and took the runnin uv the establishment into their own hands. They held the fort till 12 at nite, when hearin uv em singin bacchana- lian songs on the street we venchered back. It wuz a horrible site that met our astonished eyes. Over the bar wuz hung a banner uv white cot- ton, onto wich wuz painted these words uv feerful import: "Mrs. Bascom Shel Not Be the Only Woman in the Corners with Silk Dresses, Shoes That Button, and Red Silk Stockins! Cloze or Blud!" The cheers' wuz broke, the table- wuz overturned, and the bottles wuz strewed about on the floor. In one bottle there wuz perhaps two drinks, and I took it up and poured it absent-mindedly into a glass. . "This is indeed terrible!" I remarked ez I swallowed it. "Terrible!" sed Bascom. "Too fellers, the husbands and brothers uv , these demons, will pay for this loss uv property.'" "Not so," I replied. "It is your wife's fault. Ef she had not showed them dry goods in public these wiinmen wood not hev bin Inflamed, and yoor place wood not hev bin wrecked. Cleerly we cannot pay damages caused by the indiscreshun uv yoor own household." Bascom simply replied:. "You won't pay, won't you? Very well. Con- sider this bar closed. Not another drop kin one uv yoo hev ontil the en- tire loss is made good — not a drop! I am a man uv few words." , ; This brought us to reason. The loss wuz divided into four parts, one each for the Deekin, myself, -McPelter and Issaker, they three dividin rny part ekally between em. They give their promissory notes for the amount, and we sot there till mornin. We didn't keer to go home, with the female end of the Corners in the oondislm It wuz. The Inasby Letters. 409 Then cum more trubble. Not one uv the wimmen got up in the morn- In, and oonsekently the work about the houses -wuvs all left undone, and they announst ther determinashen to go to Bascom's ez soon ez they cood puU thelrsilves together and git up. Wat is to become ,uv us I don't see. Ef they git to Bascom's ther will be no work done at all, and our supplies out off, wat kin we do? The women hev given us their uUlmatum. They demand ez good cloze ez Mrs. Bascora, or they won't work a stroke. They don't see that wat they demand Is Impossible. We hev to spend all we kin get hold uv at Bascom's, and uv course ez all the money uv the Corners goes Into Bas- com's tin, Mrs. Bascom kin git new cloze and they can't. The niggers' wives wioh don't go to Bascom's hev good cloze, but that Is be^oz the niggers don't hev to hev llkker. The niggers' wives and Mrs. Bascom Is all that kin hev good cloze. Ef the niggers went to Bascom's ther wives woodent hev good cloze either^ Ther is trubble enuff In the Corners to appal the greatest statesman. I can't see the end uv It. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Uncomfortable). MORE TEOUBLE AT THE COENEES. , Confedrit X Roads. (wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), Jooly 2, 1S83. i That fiend, Joe Bigler, and his aider and abettor. Pollock, the Illinoy store-keeper, hev bin workin at Issaker Gavitt, and hev finelly got him. They her succeeded in reversin the regler things by convin.sin Issaker that Bascom is under ohligashen to him, and not he to Bascom, and they hev worked the poor imbesil up to sich a pitch uv loonisy that Issaker hez orgarilzed a lebellion in the Corners, and is actilly movin to hev a tax put onto Bascom's biznis! When it wuz fust perposed Bascom gasped with astonishment, and staggered and wood hev fell prostrate on the floor ^ef it hedn't bin for .the bar wich perventid it. "Tax me!"'he gasped; "tax me — tax the llkker biznis!! Wat becomes uv yer persnel liberty?" , And then Joe Bigler struck in. ' "Yes, Bascom, we hev made up Our minds to tax yoo. Issaker hez bin pourin a flood uv lite into my mind for sevral nites, and Mrs. Gavitt hez bin in the lite biznis herself. "Mrs. Gavitt dema^ids in thunder tones why It Is the wives uv llkker sellers wich hev silk dresses, shoes that button and red silk stockins, and not the wives uv llkker drinkers? Aid then Issaker bethawt him uv the Dimekratic convenshen that wuz held here last fall, and the pereession in the afternoon, and he wuz jist sober enuff to notis that the s'loon keep- ers uv the county in that splendid procession all rode in kerridges, wile the likker drinkers hooft it along thro the dust on foot. "And Issaker hez been makin other Investigashens with most startlin results. (Joe Bigler is a lier and a thief. These investigashens wuz all hiir— Issaker Gavitt hezn't sence enuff to investigate nothin.) Issaker went over to the poorhouse and diskivered the alarmin fact that 90 per cent uv them wich wuz there cum to It thro likker, and goin from there over to the court house he diskivered that 85 per cent uv the criminal biz- nis come from out uv red-headed" barls, and then he found also that yoo 410 The Nasby Letters. held a mortgage on all the property half-way to Secesslonville, and from there on your brother-in-law, wich Is In the same blznis, commenced with his mortgages wich extendid a ekal distance iJeyont. "Now, Bascom, Issalcer is alluz bothered about taxes when they come to be paid, and he hez yoonanimusly deoideed, inesmuch ez yoo man- ufakter the paupers, and the criminels. wich makes taxes nessary, that in simple jestis yoo ought to- pay suthln toward lessenin his burden. Issaker hez come to the conclusion that yoo ain't eggsackly a benefackter uv the hooman race, but quite the reverse, and he hez got to be slch a. Cross Roads infiddle that he actilly holds now that his interests and yourn is an- tagonlstik, and that yoo ain't goin to run the Corners no more. He hez rebelled. He is agoin to hev the likker biznis taxed, with the end in view uv lessenin his own taxes. He sez, and I must say I agree with him, that Inesmuch ez yoo make tlie most uv the taxes, yoo ought to pay a part uv em, espeshily ez owin to the fact' that yoo hold a mortgage onto his farm ez well ez his bowils and stumick, you hev all the money any- how.s "And Mrs. Gavitt she hez rebelled, too, and swears that if Issaker can't keep out uv yoor place not a stroke uv work will she do, but he may starve, and moreover — " Bascom coodent stand any more uv this sorj uv heresy, but histed a bottle at Joe Bigler, who left the bar laffin in the most feendish way. He cum back in a minit and puttin his head thro the door exclaimed: "Stand by yer guns, IssaJter! I'll keep ye in likker a few days, till yoor stumick Is toned up, and then — " He hedn't any more than gone than he sent a Methodist parson Sn, who, walkin up to Bascom, looked him square in the face and sed: "Wo to him wich putteth the bottle to his naber'slips!" "Git out uv my place!" yelled Bascom. "Is Bedlam broke loose? Put the bottle to my naber's lips. Indeed! Wat kind uv bar-keepers did they hev in'Joodee, that it reqwired a skriptooral Injunkshen to pervent em froBi puttin a bottle to, their naber's lips? Wat kind uv nabers did the Joodee b3,r-ke€per hev, to make It safe to put a bottle to his lips? Do yoo spose I'd put a bottle to any uv my nabers' lips? Wood it be safe to put a bottle toDeekin Pogram's lips? That bottle wood remane glood to the old patriark's lips till every drop wuz eggsaustid-. Puttin bottles to my naber's lips wood bankrupt me in two weeks. Ther ain't no necessity uv yoor preechin any sich doctrine ez that to me. I ain't much on skripter, but I do know the likker biznis." By this time Issaker wuz becomin restUs, while Bascom wuz cool and collectid. "Bascom," sed Issaker humbly, "set out the bottle." "I understood yer a goin to inoggerata a movement to tax me?" "We won't discuss that jist now," sed Issaker. "Set out the bottle." "You can't hev a drop!" replied Bascom. Issaker sot out this little conversashen and left for Pollock's store, leavin the rest uv us in a state uv demoralizaahen. Ef this pore lunatic diskivers that he kin bulldoze Bascom he may git to bulldozin me, and ef the people ginerally diskiver that they kin git on without us, wat becomes uv the organizashen? Why Issaker Gavitt, ef he kin break away from sod-corn whisky, may git to votin the Republikin tikklt. And ere these thots hed passed like lltenin thro my mind there wuz a sound uv tin pans and dinner horns; arid a perceshn uv these wimmefi f ' The Nasby Letteks. '411 haltld In front uv the door. They wuz Mlrandy Pogram, Mrs. Gavitt and Mrs. Kernel MoPelter. They wuz all without shoes and stockins, wlch condishn they showed ruther conspicuously. Mirandy Pogram kerrled a banner on wlch wuz Inskribed: "Bascom Sells Likker and Our Husbands Drink It. Mrs. Bascom Wears Shoes wlch Button, Red Silk Stockins and Silk Gowns. We Ain't Got Shoes or Stockins uv Any Kind, and Find Calico Difficult to Git. Red Stockins or Blud!" Mrs. Gavitt hed another with this: "Did Too Ever Know a. Grosery Keeper's Wife to Go Barefoot?" And Mrs. Kernel McPelter hed this inskripshen on hers: t "Is Our Husbands' Stumicks uv More Importance Than Our Feet?" On the rite hand uv each banner wuz a pare uv red stockins, and un- der em: "Wat Mrs. Bascom Wares!" \ and on tother end a pare uv bare feet, and under them: "The Stockins We Ware!" » And with these hidjus banners they startld off and paraded the streets, and every step they took wlmmen jined ther ranks with tin horns and tin pans, till the entire female popelashen uv the Corners jined them. Joe Bigler stood calmly on the corner uv Bascom's, wonderin wat it wuz all about! , That feend painted every one uv them banners, and org-anized the perceshn. Between Mrs. Bascom's insane ambition to wear noo cloze and Bigler and Pollock's feendish ingenooity in stirrin up disturbances, I am in a bad way. I wish Ii cood retire on a conip3tence. I wood that some life in- Bhoorence agent wood calkilate the chances uv life in me, and some dis- tiller wood give me enuff barls to last that time out, and let me lay down to it in peece. LifOi is becomin too eggscitin for a man uv my age. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Almost disparin), THE TEOUBLE IS IISTBNSIFIED. Confedrit X Roads. (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jooly 10, 1883. Onless suthin happens to save us, the old organizashen at the Cor- ners is gone, and I mite ez well dust out and seek pasters fresh. The foundashens uv the grate deep is broken up, and there is a choice and mis- cellaneous assortment uv hell afloat. Joe Blgler and Pollock got hold uv Issaker Gavitt, and in conjurk- shen with his wife, whom I wish the devil had, hev organized a conspi-- acy that bids fair to transform fhe Corners into a Noo England village, and leave me out into the cold altogether. It is the same old trubble. Mrs. Bascom wood wear her red silk stock- ins, and wood sport her noo sUk dresses. She coodent help it — no wornan kin. Give sich a woman ez Mrs. Bas- com a noo silk dress and red silk stoikins, and she wood wear em ef she knowed she hed to go to the stake the next minit. Female vanity is the ' spring uv woes unnumbered. Naturally, the wlmmen uv the Corners re- belled, and Issaker Gavitt's wife developed an amount uv strategy wlch I never supposed any woman ever hei. She cpmpeUed Issaker to stay at home four days la^t week, and riot 412 The Nasby LEi'tEas. go to Bascom's at all. We missed hm from his familiar seet and tlier wu» gloom intensified. Bascom wuz gloTvry, the good old Deekin was sad, aud Kernel MoPelter murmured suthin £ bout chaos comin agin. Bascom re. markt that he shood lose the art uv writin ef Issaker kept away much longer. Yesterday at about 11 a. m. ther cum along in front uv Bascom's a perceshn wich startled us. It consisted uv a wagon drawd by one mule, a,nd into it wuz Issaker Gavitt and his wife, both with banners. Mrs. Gavitt sot on the left side with her dress pulled up onto her lap, so ez to expose a pair uv legs half-w. y up to the knee, clad in a pare uv red stockins, with patent leather si oes on the end uv em, and she held in her hand a, banner onto wich wuz inscribed these legends: "My husband hezn't bin to Bascom's for four da;ys. He hez chopped cord wood and sold it. He hez milked the cows and helpt me to churn, and in them four days we hev sold ti uck enuft to buy me these shoes and stockins, with store garters, and him a biled shirt. The stockings ain't silk, but ef he keeps away from Bascom's two weeks longer I will hen silk stockins, and he will hev a, decent soot uv cloze.'.' ■ ■ ' Issaker kerried a banner onto yi ich wuz this: "At home and at work for four c ays. A biled shirt for the first tim» sence I wuz married." , Bz the perceshn passed Bascon- s he tried to drop the banner and gll out, but his wife held him down In Lis seet by the throat. He wuz con- kered and subdood. The efCeek- wuz electrickel. Ev ry woman in the Corners cum out ta see Issaker Gavitt's wife in stockj B, suthin that hedn't happened to hev for 20 years. The shoes excited em t madnis, the red stockins made era shreek, and when Joe Blgler jumpec" into thS wagon, and, ez ef by axident, flirted up her dress so ez to show a are uv bloo elastic garters, with whit* metal buckels, they abslootly howled The wimmen uv the Comers, not warin stockins ez a rool, don't hev no call for garters, and them ez do hev alluz bin obleeged to content t' erselves with a tow string. Mirandy Pogram saw the site and she rushed into Bascom's and tooh' her venerable father out by the ear. "Wat yoo wa.nt to do," wuz her emark, "is to go home and go to work. . Ef Issaker Gavitt kin, in foi r days, furnish bis wife with shoes and red stockins, by keepin out uv Bascom's, yoo kin dress yoor dawter suthin like decent by the same process. Git." And the good old Deekin moved off regretfully toward his home. Then Mrs. McPelter she cum rush in in for the Kernel. "Did yoo see," sed she, "wat Mrs. Gavitt hed on? Red stockins and shoes, and all earned in four days! I will hev em myself in four days or yoor a corpse. Wat Issaker Gavitt hez donte yoo kin do." And then all the wimmen in the Corners formed theirselves into the perceshn behind the wagon that Iss ker wuz drivin, and they marched i thro the Corners shoutin, "Red stockins or no meals!" "Shoes wich but^': ton or no grub!" and sich incenjary cries. . And wat wuz wuss, they formed a sard and stood in front of Bascom's, and whenever one uv ther husbands wanted to come in they hustled him off, a committee bein appint- ed to worry his ears till he wuz wlUin to go home. ^ It wuz a dreary nite we hed at Basciim's. Ther wuz nobody but him and me, for no man in the Corners dared to show his face within a mlla Viy the place, Ther we got, and got, in gloomy silence, Bascoro wuz so de. ; f" The J^asby Lettees. 413 prest that he never sed a word the fust time I stole behind Uie bar and helped myself to a reviver, nor did he object the second time. The third time he lifted his sad eyes and remarked: "Help yoorself to all yoo want. Everything is lost. Ther is a sperit uv disorganizashen abroad that will stop Hevin knows when and where. Help yourself. The tale mite ez well go with the hide." And in sadnis I did help myself, till, overcome with emoshun, I slid off my chare onto the flore, and slept the sleep uv the just. We mite hev knowed it wuz Joe Bigler wich organized the rebellion, him and Pollock. Joe Blgler got Issaker to promise to stay at home and work, and to compel him to keep his word, stayed by him with a club. He compelled him to churn the butter, and went with him to town with it, and ez ther wuzn't enutf uv it for his wife to buy the shoes and stockins for his wife, in order to make shoor uv the risin. Pollock took wat ther wuz, and furnlsht the shoes and stock- ins anyhow. Them two men hev bin eye-sores to the Corners for seventeen long, , weery yeers, and ef litenin cood strike em it wood be a blessin to Bascom and me. But it won't. They hev the whip-row uv us, and they yoose ther advantages in the most feendish ma= ner. Where it will end the Lord only knows. Ef the wimmen git the upper hand uv ther husbands in the matter uv likker, why not in everything? Ef they kin compel ther husbands to stay away from Basoom's and stick to their work, why can't they compel them to vote ez they want em to? And when they git to warin biled shirts won't they quit the Dimocrisy any- how? Biled shirts a.nd Dimocrisy is nati'ral enemies. Issaker Gavitt sed yes- terday that he hed no sooner put on a clean shirt than he began to feel like a Republikin, and wuz heerd to murmur suthin about the propriety uv taxin the groseries. This sperit uv insubordinashen is dangerous. Bas- com is our key-stone, and that knocked out, the entire fabric crumbles ; into dust. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Wretched). THE FALL OF ISSAKER GAVITT. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jooly 12, 1883. A holy calm pervades Bascom's now, wich is hevenly. The grate law that when a man wunst gits the appetite for likker it stays by him hez bin wunst more vindicatid. Issaker Gavitt, under the fell inflooence uv his wife and Joe Bigler— more Bigler than wife— kep a^'ay from Bascom's, and for a week stayed at home and actilly worked. Ihe proseeds uv his labor went to furniahiii Ms wife with shoes that button, and red stockins, and elastic garters, with white metal buckles, and sich sooperflooities ez belong only to the wives uv men who sell likker, and with wich the wives uv them who drink likker hev nothin to do. They may look on and admire, but they must not ■/hope, to possess them th^irselves. But issaker cood not stand it. His wife and that feend, Joe Bigler, never let him cum to the Corners alone, but either one or both wuz by C his side every time he wuz in the village. They kep him at work con- stantly, and hed him so organized that egcape from hjs boiidage seemed Impossible, 41'1 The Nasby Lettees. But the r.ateral instinks uv the man assertid theirselves last nite. Is^ saker cum rushin breathlis into the bar room. He hed escaped without his hat and wuz ez pale ez tho he hed run an Injun gantlit successfully, esca'pin by the skin uv his teeth. Stagg-erin up to the bar he asked that the old familyer bottle be s(A out. Then Bascom's strength made itself felt. "I shel not sell you likker. Ef yoo want likker, go to yer noo fren(J«, Bigler and Pollock." Wat's the yoose uv bein a d--d foc.V." retorted Issaker. "Too know I wuz entrapped by them feends, aided and abetted by my wife, and that, I coodent help myself. Too know that, but yoo don't know how I suffered while under ther controle. I hev come back, and come to stay." "Issaker, kin yoo pay for wat likker yoo want?" "Not in cash," wuz the reply. "Wat I earned while I wuz at wcrt went to the buyin uv cloze for my wife, but — " "But wat?" "Here is the cloze. They ain't jist money, but they cost money, a ad wat is better hey ain't all pade for. In selling you these articles uv lux- ury we are spilin the enemy. My wife owes Pollock for two-thirds tlicr valyoo, and ef I don't go back to work she kin never pay. Mrs. Basorn kin ware em. Red stockins and elastic garters fit all wimrain, and irij wife's shoes will fit yoorn." And Issaker lade on the bar the rsd stockins, the elastic garters with, white metal buckles, and a pare uv s.ioes wich button, and a noo kalikeJ dress and some shirts. "Here they all are," sed Issaker. "Everything. Take em, Bascom, take em; credit me up with wat they are wuth, not on back akkount, bu4 on fucher drinks, and, and — forgive me." Ther ain't nothin mean about Bascom. Ha hed jist ez soon take cIobj ez money for likker, when he hez yoo3e for em; in fact I hev kndwd hinii to take the last shirt a, man hed ruthsr than let him go thirsty, and so hU called in Mrs. Bascom and tossed the garmence over to her, wich sh« looked at and remarkt that they wO id do for her hired girl, but wuznt good enuff for a, lady, and she flirted out. Mrs. Bascom hed no more than got out uv the bar before Mrs. GaviitI kum in like a lionis robbed uv her young. Issaker Rid behint the bar, and Bascom, the Deekin and I hustled her out and closed the door agin her. lit wuz yoonanimusly resolved that the valyoo uv the property be immejiiUy consoomed, and with wat BEiscom generally throwd in ther wuz enuff (o last us till neerly 1 o'clock. I slep that nite on the floor uv the the bar, the Deekin, Kernel McPilV- ter and Issaker Gavitt startid for ho:Tie, but depositid theirselves one at n time along the road, where they slep till the hot sun uv the momin wolsa em to a reailzation uv the fact that they wuz human, and they crawl(»(l back to Bascom's. Issaker is, however. In trouble. He went home at about 10 o'clock tl'O next day, to git suthin to eat, and he found that Mrs. Gavitt hed strippufl the house uv everything and skipped out. Issaker hed to cum back lo Bascom's for suthin to eat, wich made more trubble. Ef Mrs. Gavitt doM not come back and resoom her old place and work the farm, Bascom will hev to either quit sellin Issaker likker, or board him. A man can't spend his time at Bascom's and work a farm, too, and ef Mrs. Gavitt won't worlj the farm, wat is Issaker to do? The Nasbt Letters. 415 Man !s uv few-daze and full uv trubble. Ef Mrs. Gavitt wood come home and do ez she shood, work the farm keerfully, and let Issaker live like a, man on the proseeds, Bascom wood be happy and so wood Issaker. But It is evident that she hez rebelled, and wat to do with Issaker is now the conundrum. Things don't go right in this imperfect world. We hed It all rite in the old slavery days when we workt our places with nig- gers, but now that the niggers is free and workin for thelrselves, and our wives abslootly refoose to take their places, it is mity close work (or Bascom. It Is a pity that the world can't be reorganized. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Puzzled and worried). THE COENERS HOLDS A MEETING. Confedri't X Roads,' (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jooly 28, 1SS3. Somebody sent me a copy,uv the Noo York Sun, containin the state- ment uv Senator Dorsey ez to how he kerried Injeany in 1880, wich I red to the Deekln, Issaker, Kernel McPeter and Bascom, and we yoonani- [musly considered it uv sufflghent importance to hold a meetln over. We |hevn't hed a meeting uv the Dimocrisy uv the Corners for some time, and lit wuz considered that to hold one a this time mite do some good. The workmen at the rollin mill hev bin mikin some inroads onto us, and the jtaxin uv s'loons in Ohio hez crcatid a feelin here that it is dangerus. The movements that are bein made to tax Bascom and his brother-in-law at Seceshnville hez creatid an oiieasinis in our minds wich it wuz felt that Isuthin wuz necesary to remove. Dimocrisy can't git on without free whisky. They is twin sisters. f Therefore we thot a meetin uv the Dimocrisy to discuss Republikin corrupshen wood be a. good thing, ez tendin to divert the minds uv our people from dangerus heresies. The meetin-house wuz lited with candles, ez yoosual, and the Corners turned out ez uv yore. I took my seet in the pulpit ez ex-offisho cheerman, and Issaker Gavitt. bein ez he kin write, is alluz electid secretary.. To be prepared, I hed in my pokkit a series uv preamble and resoloo- iehens wich I hed drawd up, ez follows: Wareas, Stephen W. Dorsey, actin for the Republikin party in 1880, went into the state uv Injeany, and bot up Dimekratic voters for $2 a ^ead, theeeby kerryin that state for Garfield, instid uv lettin It go nater- aUy for Hancock, and Wareas, Corrupshen In elecshuns is subversive uv republikin insti- tutions, therefore be it I Resolved, That the Democrisy uv the Corners enter ther solium pro- test agin any party wich buys Dimocrats, and holds to the bleef that no Blch party is fit to be entrusted with power. Resolved, That the Republikins must go. I opened the exercises by rem.arkin that the recent disclosures uv the corrupshen in the Republikin party wuz uv a caracter to alarm every ^an wich beleeeved in a pure government, in a government by the peo- ple, for the people, and uv the people. When men cood deliberately take (400,000 and buy up voters, the repubUk wuz in danger, and the shreek uv freedom mite be reasonably expected in the immejit fucher. When a man foes into a state with $400,000, and kerries that state by buyin up voters nt $2 a head, freedom not only ought to shreek, but her squawk shood be vigrus and heerd all over the land. 4l6 The ]S'AsBr LEiTEitd. Joe Bigler tIz then, and wantia specificashens. Wher . wuz this don4 and by whom? ' I i-epUed that it is charged that Stephen W. Dorsey, in 1880, when Gar- field wuz the Republilcin candidate, and Hancock the Dimeliratic, went in- to the state uv Injeany and corruptly bought up venal voters at $2 a head, wich kerried the state for Garfield. "Sich infamus corrupshen," I continnered, "wuz enufC to make the very blood bile in the vanes uv every Dimekrat." "May I ask," replied Josef, "wat pekoolyer style uv voters the cor- rupt Stephen corruptly bought up at $2 per head?" "Wat kind uv voters wuz cqrruptid? Why the Dimocrisy uv course. And permit me to say, sir, that a spsctacle uv a man goin into a Dime- kratic state buyin up Dimekrats at $2 a. head is one kaJkilatid to—" Deekin Pogram remarkt that the spektikle wuz indeed terrible— he didn't think $2 wuz enuif for an able-bodied Dimocrat. They shood hev de-' mandid not less than $3.50. Then I continyood. "Wat we are met to consider is this: Stephen W. Dorsey, a'rainyun uv the Republikin party, took $100,000 In money, all in $2 notes, andiwent into Injeany and bought Dimekratic votes enufC to kerry the state and paid for era. He — " There wuz a scene uv Indescrib s/jle cofnfoosihuin. The awjence iriz to their feet ez one man and yelled, " 'Rah for Dorsey!" I didn't present my resolooshens. It wasn't the stile of awjence for that pertikeler kind. It wuz in vane that I told em that that wuz not wat they wuz to cheer fur, but to no purpus. They continnered to " 'Rah for Dorsey!" till the meetin-house fairly rung agin. One old mossback wich lives between the Corners and Seceshnville wantid to know why Dorsey didn't come to Ken- tucky? Wuz Injeany the only state he wantid to kerry? And he went on to remark that the eheerman uv this ' meetin to ' whom hed bin con- fided the intrests uv the Dimocrisy uv the Corners, and who wuz poperly supposed to be a. sort uv shepherd, ez It were, hed neglected the intrests uv his flock in permittin money to go to the currupshen uv the Dimocrisy uv Injeany without glvin the Dimocrisy uv Kentucky a show at it. Whila — ez the Deekin hed remarkt — $2 wuz a mity low price, still he never re- membered a day In his nateral life that a $2 bill woodent hev come handy. And then the awjence hissed me fur lettin this money git away in Injeany without givin Kentucky a chance at it. Another ardent Dimekrat wantid to know ef Dorsey wuz to riin the Republikin campane next yeer, and ef so, wood he hev $400,000 more to spend among the Dimocrisy uv any one pertikler state, and ef so he moved that the president uv this meetin be instructid to open negoshia- shens to wunst. Joe Bigler wuz movln about among em, puttin. all sorts uv stuff into ther heads, afid they got out uv my controle entirely. He hed the impedenoe to propose a resolooshen like this: Resolved, That what the kentry ought to do is to entrust its govern- ment to the controle uv a party, the members of which kin be bought up at $24 a dozen, cash. Ez a meetin to indignate over corrupshen in buyin votes it wuz be- glnnin to hev the look uv a fallyoor. It reely looked ez tho the wholfe TuE Nasbt Letters. 417 bilin uv em wuz reddy to go over to the Republikins In a body, pervlded anybody shoo appear with a carpet-bag uv green-bux. But I wuz ekal to the emergency, ez I ginorally am. Insistln upon si- lence for a minit, I told em that Dorsey wood probably never run an- other pOlitlkle campane. to wich they remai-kt In korus that it wuz a d d shame that they didn't git in while he wuz runnln one. Then 1 went on to remark that while Dorsey wood never agin appear among em, that our candidate wood doubtlis be the pure and good Tilden, uv Noo York. Then they all groaned in korus, and sed that Tilden wood expect to kerry Kentucky without disbursements, and that his barl wood be poured out over the doubtful states, to wich I replied that that wuz ez we our- : selves shood elect. Tilden hed a barl wich wuz bigger than any one Dor- ' sey ever hed, and that the Incorruptible Dimocrisy uv Kentucky hed it in tber power to make it warm for hl:n unless he did come down hand- somely, and ez Tilden hed more money than cood be hoped for from any ' Republikin, the dooty uv the incorruptible Dimocrisy uv the Corners WTJZ cleer. It wuz alluz well to stick by yer party onless yoo wuz shoor yoo cood git a. bigger price by goin over to another. The I>imekratic patriot uv the most limitid intelleck cood see the pint to this. This apparently satisfied em, and we all adjourned to Bascom's in . good humor. Bascom, ez he alluz does after a Dlmecratic gathering, did a boomin biznis, and ez the craps hed jest bin sold he wuz gratified that s the most uv it wuz in cash. Politically the Corners is once more serene. We are waitin anxusly, however, for the Presidenshel campane to open, for the Corners is athlrst. A candiiate with money is wat we want. A candidate with money is our rock in the wilderness, and I am the Moses to smite it. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Waitin). MR. NASBY GOES TO OHIO. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Aug. 6, 18S3. Things bein somewat quiet at the Corners, I concloodld to go over into Crtiio to do suthin toward helpin the sturdy Dimocrisy uv the pivotal state in kerryin this fall. Bascom wuz willin that I shood go, ez every minit I spend away from the Corners lesens the amount that he charges to me fur likker, and I felt that I must go to help to bring the mossbax of Ohio iback to their allegiance. Our candidate in Ohio hez a record that needs a good deal uv explainin to the average Dimocrat. Like a klckin gun, Ither is great danger in Judge Hoadly's rear. The best reasons for votln agin him kin be found in his own speeches uv ten years ago. The first pint I struck wuz reterville, in the Suthern part uv the I state. I wuz reseeved with open arms, ez every troo apossel uv Dimocrisy Lis in that sort uv a, village. The plaoc- is very like the Corners, the biznis 'consistin mostly uv a grosery or two, and the inhabitance bein, ez a rool, ..statesmen whose wives do the heft uv the work while they are devisin ways and means to pay orf the nashnel debt leenin agin sign posts or sittin contemplatively on dry goods boxes whittlin the rosy hours away. In sicli places Dimocrisy alluz runs rampant. There is where we git our heaviest majorities. The yoosual meetin wuz called, and after a conference with the prinsl- pal grosery keepers it wuz desidid that I shood speek upon the infamus 418 The Kasby Ijettebs, Scott Law, wlch taxes the s'loon keepers $200 for the privilege uv gettin mortgages upon ther nabors' farms. I accedid to ther retiuest, for ther ain't anything wl3h Icin so stir the blood uv the avrige Dimocrisy ez a, law wich tends to embarrass the dispenser uv the elixir uv life and hamper them in any way. It wuz a good meetin. Ther wuz present all the citizens uv the vil- lage and all the farmers from the kentry adjacent, and I hed good hopes uv sowin seed wich wood bring forth harvest in October. \ fortified myself with facts and figgers and opened out onto em, "Feller citizens," I commenced, "Dimocrisy is the champion uv hoo.i man rites — that is, fur white men." "Rah!" yelled the meetin in korus. "Dimocrisy holds that every manhez the sole rite to controle hisself, and that any law wich sez wat a man shel or shel not do is a infringe- ment on God-given rites." "Uah!" "A Republlkin legislacher last winter committed a outrage on the Dimocrisy. It passed the Scott law. Wat is the Scott law, my trends? It is a law wich imposed a tax onto the keepers uv wet groceries, $100 for .the sellin uv beer, and $200 for the Sallin uv other likkers, wich is jeat ez necessary ez beer for the sustenance uv the hooman family." The awjence groaned In korus. "Wat is the result? Under Dimalcratic rool the s'loons went on quiet, doin their legitimit biznis. No tax collectoi' cum round to disturb em; yoo cood all cunn in when yoo pleased and git yer sustenance, and things wuz happy and pleasant. Wat is it now? Ther is 80 s'loons in this county and "the RepubJikin feends hev taxed em $200 each, wich they hev paid. Ther is to-day $16,000 in the county trezry, wich hev bin wrung out uv ther biznis, and — " Up sprung a old farmer from a adjoining township. "Do I understand," sez he, "that the Scq^t law hez coUectid $16,000 from the s'loon biznis?" "That's the size uv it," sez I. "Does that money go to payin the taxes uv the county?" "It do," I replied, "$16,000 rung from the s'loons." "Ef Aggers don't lie, that's about one-fifth uv all the taxes the county hez to pay. My taxes afore tills wuz about $100 a year, and next yeer I shel hev onlyabout $80 to pay, wich is 20 per cent off." And then this mersenary old wretch yelled: " 'Rah for the Scott Law!" / "Too musn't 'rah for the Scott law," I yelled to the infatuatid loona- tics. "Too ain't here to 'rah fur the Scott law, but agin it. We are goin to vote to repeel the Scott law." I mite ez well hev talked to the North wind. Every blostld tax-pay- er in the awjence jined him, and they all got to ther feet and remarkt in korus that persnel liberty wuz a blessid thing, and in any struggle fur th? maintenance uv persnel liberty they'd send substitoots, with muskits on their shoulders, ez willinly ez they did for the maintenance uv ' the Toonyun, doorin the late fratrisidle struggle, but inezmuch ez they cood git all the likker they mite want at the regler price, five cents fur beer and ten cents fur whisky strata, they coodent see how persnel rites wuz interfered with at all. But the makin the s'loons pay one-fifth uv ths taxes wuz a sweet boon wloh coodent be too hily commendld. The JSTasbt Letters. 419 And Instid uv passln resolooshens condemnln the Scott law, blast ma =£ they didn't pass one endorsln It. It wuz in vane that I attempted to stem the tide. I hed prevusly In- sistld that Jedge Hoadly wuz committed agin the law, and that the only way to do away with it wuz to vote for him, and so they passed a reso- Icoshen endorsln Jedge Foraker ez a man uv ability and rectitood uv carikter, wich wuz a, ornameht to the state, and in spite uv all I cood do they adjourned with three cheers for lilm. It is sad, but It is so. Poor, weak humanity can't hold to a prinsiple when it conflix with Intrests. I ain't shoor but we shel hev to git our state commltty together and put a suppplemental plank in our platform endorsln the Scott law and claimin that we are the originaters uv It. "We are alluz several months behind in gettin forward. We shood hev caught onto this sooner. Come to think uv it, a savin uv one-fifth uv the taxes is a ruther big thing for the tax-payers, and now that I put ray gi- gantic intelek onto it, I reely don't see w^t special interest the man w^ph drinks likker hez In the man wich sells it. I shel go back to Kentucky, wher ther is no slch nonseiiso lz tp. in likker, and wher the fact that the consoomer buys entirely upon credit gives the s'loon man a hold onto em wich he can't break. That's the kind uv a kentry for me. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Dlsgustid). THE DBMOCEACY OF THE COENEES DISSATISFIED. Confedrlt X Roads, ' (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), Aug. 10, 1883. There Is wlde-spred dlssatisfackshen among the Dimocrisy uv the Corners, and I confess to sharin in it myself. When we heerd that Dor- sey, in 1880, hed gone Into Injeany with $400,000 and bought up Diraekrats at even the ridicklus price uv $2 a head, the iron fust entered our sole. Nobody comes to Kentucky corruptly buyin uv us up, becoz we are countid on ez entirely shoor anyhow. I hev jiotist in pollitix that the men wich wuz bought up wuz alluz them wich wuz onsartin. The stiddy voter, the man wich kin alluz be de- [pendid onto, gits no crums. Them is throwd to the doubtful fellers, wich joodlshusly hold off till they And wich way their Interest lies. Them are alluz the ones wich are seen. The trubble wuz intensified when we heerd that Jedge Hoadly, uv Ohio, paid $50,000 for delegates to sekoor his nominashen. $50,000! Dee- kin Pogram drawd a long sigh, sayin that it wuz the one regret uv his life that he wuz not a Ohloan. $50,000! That money, joodlshusly and- eliitably dividid, wood make many a man comfortable. In a state wher the best uv likker Is only 10 cents per single drink, and proporshuuately low by the quart. Issaker Gavitt sed he hed borne the heat and burden uv the day for yeers, but he hed never hed a chance to be corruptly bot up. It wuz a. bumln shame. Kernel McPelter sed he hed never reseeved anything ceptin an occashunal Invitashen to take suthin, wich, however convenyent |Jt mite be at the time, cood not be dependid onto ez a reliance. K Bascom remarkt that it wood be better ef we hed a Republikin party ph Kentucky, so ez to stir up the Dimekratlo leeders up to the expendi- toor uv suthin jist afore convenshuns and eleckshuns. He hed a brother In the s'loon blznis at Petersville, in Ohio, wich 420 The Nasbt Letters. alluz calkilated on lievin a hundred or two dollars every fal from the Dlmekratic candidates to yoose in joodishua treetln, and hi place wuz a good deel more a. part uv the Dlmekratic organizashen tlia; the noosepapersl The heft uv the Dimocrisy uv that seckshun didn't UE derstand noosepapers, but every man uv em cood realize wat a three-flu gered drink uv noo whisky meant. That langwage they all understood. I sympathise with em fully. Wat the Dimocrisy uv the Comers waiit Is more Dorseys among Republikins and more Hcadlys among the Dime krats. Wat we need is a ram wich wants to he governor wich will cur up like a man, with his pockits full uv money, and say to a delegashuii^ "Here, I want to be governor. I hev $50,000 .about my person, wich yoo ar ■welcome to. Durbin Ward wants to be governor, too. Very good; he he the rite to rvu.^ But hez he $50,000? How much kin he pay yoo for yoo votes? Nuthin? Well, then, wat good is he to yoo? Here's the boodle." ~ And then we shod take his $50,030 and nominate him. That.gimpli fles poUytix. That makes the dooty uv the average Dimekrat so clee: that he who runs may reed — the figgers on a, bank-note. It dees the prope thing for everybody. Jedge Hoadly wants to be governor — ^he gits it-j we want $10 bills, and we git em. And ez the man wich buys his nom' inashen in this way ginerally intends to make it up out uv his offls, afte: he is eleotid, there cums subsequent divvys wich gives us a^ comfortabli subsistence and makes things easy all around. The Dimocrisy uv Kentucky, hungerin and thirstln, espeshly thirstin demand in thunder tones that they must be corruptly bot up. The Dimocrisy uv Kentucky want to know who is the fucher Dofsey and Hoadlys, and do they mean biznis In Kentucky? The Dimocrisy uv Kentucky want to knew •ef t)iey ain't wuth ez mucj per heay wipin out a grate many more. Then they contractid diseases wich is cuttin em - off one by one, and in a, few yeers a soljer uv the late onpleas- antnls will be suthin to be looked at with kooriosity. The\NASBT tjETTERS. 4^9 But we, wlch sent substltoots, wuzn't killed by bulUts, starved at An- dersonville, nor are we dyin to any alarmin extent from diseases contract- ed in the servis. We avoided contractiu diseases in the servis by religusly and persistently refoosln to go into the army. Troo, likker hez made se- rious inroads into us, and possibly is cuttin us off ez fast ez llngrin dis- ease does them wich actilly went, but ez ther wuz ez many uv us ez thcr wuz uv them, we shel oontinyoo to keep our numbers, relatively. I hev, however, drunk a great deal uv likker that wuz more dangerous than bul- lets and more to be feared than the baynit. The properest place for sich a re-yoonyun wood be Windsor, Canada, fpr several reasons. It Is very close to Amerikin territory, and wuz there- fore the place struck by sich Dimocrisy ez found it onwholesome to stay in the Yoonltid States doorin the time we wuz tryin to convert It into a Confedrasy. I well remember visitin ther, at one time in 1863, when two- thirds uv the populashen wuz made up uv Dimekrats from the States wich found the climit uv their native kentry wuzn't saloobrus, and wich bed sought a refuge there. There are reminiscences connectid with Wind- eor wich makes it approprit for sich a re-yoonyun. Then agin we shel find ther the most uv our substltoots. Ez a rool they took our money and immejitly skipped to Windsor, and the majority nv em are now keepin, bars in Canada. It wood be a bad tiine for them to absent themselves from ther bars, but we kin manage to git on for a part uv the time on bottles. They doubtlis will be glad to see them wich (urnisht em cappytle to start in life. The badge worn by those attendin should be a white feather, consplc- liously displayed on the rite side, with the motto: "The safest kind uv a recroot. We found to be a substitoot — The substitoot cood not be wMpped, 'Ooz why, to Canada he skipped. And so both stood on solid ground. Them and us, both safe and sound.** Speekin shood be omitted from the order uv exercises. The time shood be pleasantly spent in indulgln in reminiscences uv the times that tried our Boles, gittin out uv the way uv provost gards, uv perilus advenchers re- Eistin enroUin officers, shelterin deserters, and raisin money for supplies to. Southern hospitals. The Knights uv the Golden Circle and them wich braved the government ez the Sons uv Liberty will okkepy the highest places, puttin them on an ekality with the Kentucky and Missouri bush- whackers wich sold the government bosses all day, and bushwhacked their riders all nite. The Injeany Dimocrisy wich Morton arrestid will be there, sich ez onlimltld likker hez spared, and them old vetrans will nar- rate ther thrillin ■ eggsperiences uv the days when they wuz oulav/fuUy arrestid for darin to be freemen, and conspirin to turn over the state to the Confedracy, and much instruckshun will flow from them patriarks. We may hev a percesshn in the evenin, and may not. It will depend largely onto the condishn the survivors are in by 7 o'clock p. m. Bf we do we shel all wear the white feather proudly, the marshals bein decor- ated, likewise, with winder sashes, over the left shoulder. We may look for a large delegasshen from the South, not uv survivors but sympathizers. We shel hev all them wich distinguished thelrselves ln~ lerdoosin yellow fever into Npo York, and them wich wuz sent North to bum cities and sink steamers on the lakes. It will thus be a re-yoonyuni aSO The Nasbs- Lbttiiis. ' In more senses than one. The patriots from both seckshuns will mingle ther teers over our common fallyoor to bust up the govemm^ent and estab- lish sifch a one ez wewantid. Teerfully we shel go over the advenchers ii^ our efforts to establish a government wich wood give us all the offlses, wlch wood perpetooate niggers to woik for us, and a system wich wood give us labor for nothin, niggers to work, and we spendin our summers at Saratogy, and hoss racin and draw poker in the winter. Them brite antissipashens wuz not realized, but it wuz not our fault. "We fought for our niggers, the possession uv our homes, and everybody else, manfully — the result wuz beyond us. But we kin at leest mingle our teers. Sich a re-yoonyun kin be made one uv yootility. We want sentiment, but hard dollars is more to us. The government hez never yit pei shuned them ez sent substitoots. Kin any one give a good reason why we are not penshuned? Troo, we didn't go ourselves, but we sent men. Wood the man hev gone ef we hed not sent him? Wat difference does it make to the government who the man is, so that it gits the man? And to whom does it stand indebted for the man? Cleerly to us who sent him. The man who went for us got his remunerashen in wat wei paid him, or promised to. Cleerly, then, ez we wuz reely the recroot, we are entitled to the penshun. And another pint the government shood consider. The most uv us kin claim, with great justis, that we wuz reely actooated by patriotic motives in sendin substitoots instid uv goin ourselves. We kin say with much truth that we hed too much love for the old flag to send cowards to the front, and so, knowin ourselves, we sent substitoots to uphold it. We didn't want to spile the servis, and so sent men wich wood reely fite. Nothin kin be clearer than this, and the government, ef it is just, will take it into account. A substitoot in Canada wuz even better than a de- moralizer in the feeld. We did the kentry grate servis by not goin. A committy should be appinied to urge this matter upon Congris, and ez the next one will be Democratic, there is no reason why we shood not succeed in getting it. I shel ishoo the call for the re-yoonyun next week. Every Dimokrat wich kin eggshibit a certifikit from a enrollin effiser that he aetilly put a eubstitoot in the field, and paid him, or promised to, will be eligible to a Beet in the hall and a place in the psrceshn. PETROLEUM V. NA3BT, (A Two Substitooter). ME. NASBY PHILOSOPHIZES ON VOTES. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), Sept. 22, 1883. I hev bin reseevln letters from Ohio insistln that I yoose my influence to compel the Dimekratic managers uv the Ohio campane to go slow oi: the likker question, and to do with with that ez we do with everything else, straddle ez it were. Wat these tender-feet seem to be afrada uv is that az the Dlmocrisy uv Ohio are committin therselves squarely to tha grate principle uv free whisky, it will hev a, tendency to drive off the de- cent members uv the party and thus enshoor our defeet. I am out uv pashence with these thin-skinned fellers, wich belong to our party without comperhending Its nacher, caracter, disposishen, pur- poses or ends. The Nasby Letters. 431 The man wlch writes this nonsense don't know nothin about Dimoo- Tisy or hooman nacher. He hez never taken a comprehensive look at things, and don't know nothin ez to the make-up uv mankind. I shel perceed to Instruct him. To begin with, he shood know that seven-tenths uv mankind is bad In a greater or less degree; that the devil hez a warranty deed on four- tenths, a. quit-claim to two-tenths, and a mortgage on another tenth. Them in wlch he hez a present or prospective interest are very largely in the majority. Now ez the Dlmocrisy wants votes for the sake uv the postofflses that follows victory, wat is its dooty? Is it to cater to the wishes uv the sev- en-tenths or to the desires uv the three-tenths? The Republikin party is devoted to wat it calls prinsiples. It hez some distinctive Ijees, and Its leaders hev all'uz bin afflicted with the loo- nacy uv tryln to make wat they call hoomanity better. Consekently it embraces in its organizashen the thr.ee-tenths that they arrogantly call the good citizens, them wich is willin to stand defeet for an ijee. T^ey hev the old Ablishnists, them loonatix wich yeers ago turned their bax upon postoffis and willinly endoored rotten eggs and lynchin for the sake uv freein the nigger, and afterward insistid on glvin him the ballot the same ez the white man. In the intrest uv Araerikin laber they went to the wall for yeers opposin free trade, never thinkln that they mite hev Uixuriatid upon English money, ez we wuz doin, by takin the other tack, and now they hev put theirselves in opposishen to the freedom uv likker on the skore that whisky is a. destroyer and beer a liver conjestor and kidney enlarger, and that free trade in it fills the jales and the poor- houses. Dimocrisy hez other views. A Dirnekratlc leeder gits his steer from the census reports and the soshel statistics. In all matters in wich ther is profit men dig down and never up. When yoo want oil yoo bore for it, and likewise you dig for gold. The grate mine uv votes is downward, not upward, becoz common skools, even in Amerlky, hev never done their perfeck work, and while gin-mills and beer-shops are open seven days uv the week and 16 hours uv the day, churches are only open on Sundays, and then cnly for a few hours. The servants uv the devil are industrious, much more so than them wich serve the Lord. This bein the case, wat is the dooty uv the leeders uv the Dimocrlsy, or ruther, wat is ther intrest? Intrest is with us, dooty. Cleerly, to go wher ther Is the most votes. Ef relljun and sich hed the most votes in eontrole, it wood be our dooty and intrest to cultivate that end of the populashen, tho we shood hev to be reconstructid to work in that dlreck- shun with any success. I hev notist that Dimocrlsy and religion don't work very well to- gether. When a Dimokrats gits to wearin oleen shirts reglerly, I alluz consider he is on the hlg^ road to Bepublikinism, and the site uv a Dime- krat in a. prayer-meetin wood fill me with alarm. Our best holt is the gin-mills and beer shops. We hev alluz hed em ajid alluz will. Indeed, I don't know ez we cood tear ourselves loose from _em ef we tried. It^aifl toss up whether we hey them or they us. Wat "wood the Dimocrisy'iiv the grate city uv Noo York be without the gin- mflls? Wat wo£)d-^e do in llliiioy ef the gin-mills shood be shut up in Shecago? Wat woo4yWe ^o aaiy where without this ally? 432 T uJii INAtJB y JjKTTJimJ. With the gin-mills with us, we hev a percentage on the RepublilUns that is terrific. A wholesale naerch ant or manufactreir in Noo York won't vote but wunst, even ef we let him vote at all — our gin-mill grad- coates vote ez many times ez may be necessary to roll up the malority. we want. It wuz the gin-mills that wuz Boss Tweed's best holt in the^ good old days when he hed Noo York, and it is our cheef dependence every- 'v where. The strength uv the Dimocr sy may be estimated by the aker. It takes so many akers of sod corn Ic make a Dimekrat, and our majorities may be estimated from the smoke that goes up from the distilleries, andr the number uv bars over wich the produck is dispensed. My Ohio friend is all wrong. Bvt ry thing seeks its level. A man can't ; lift hisself by the straps uv his boots, nor kin yoo put new wine into old bottles. Wat we want is majoiitles, and ther ain't no yoose in wastin time on reasonin men and slch, for them is not the majority, l^very- body hez a stumick, but a very small porshen uv mankind hev intelleck. The Republikin party appeles to the intellect uv one class. Ef that class hez inflooence enuff to corrall the votes, they win, and we can't help it. But stumick is our dependence, and vie can't very well go out uv the stum-'i ick biznls. We hev the gin mil is sekoor, or ruther they hev us; we hev sich uv the nooly landed emigrants ez ain't pertlkeler whether they are natcheralized or not, jist afore they vote; we hev the money uv the Brit- ish manufakterers to yoose agin our labor, and we hev sich nigser.^ in the South ez are nervous about standin before the muzzle uv a shot-gun, a,nd we shel hev all uv that class uv niggers in tlie North ez want offises wich they hevn't got, beside OLher simler elements uv strength. I hev alluz insistid that we made a, grate mistake in opposin the Chinee, and I predict that the time will come when we shel insist on givin him the ballot. He don't drink likker, it Is troo, but he does smoke opium, and opium smokin will fetch a man down to the level of votin with us, ez shoorly ez whisky. I hope to live to see the day when, with reference to the Chinese vote, we shel in- scribe on our banners, "Persnel Liberty and Free Opium!" jist ez we now hist the cheerin legend, "Persnel Liberty and Free Whisky!" Ef it wuz worth our while to consiliate the likker interest . for ther votes, why not the opium element for ther votes? We hev got ■ to depend upon these classes, and ther ain't no yoosa uv monkeyln about other i>eoiplei Ther is more power, so fur ez votea is concerned, among our pekoolyer people in a, bottle uv noo likker than there is in an open Bible. A sanded floor with pine tables and beer onto em is a more potent agency with us than a Sundy skool; and a talented beer-jerker kin corrai more votes than any preecher that ever howled. Our method ain't quite ez respectable, may be, but ineamuch ez the vote uv the citizen with an illuminated nose counts jist ez much ez that uv the cheef justis, and ez ther is a mllyun uv ilKunlnatid noses to one cheef justis, why our dooty is cleer. We must go for the beekon-lites. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Statesman and Manager). MR NASBY ASSISTS OHIO DEMOCRATS. Confedrit X Roads, ,. (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), , r ,eept. 30, 1883. - There Is a advantage In hevin a constltooency thet don't know nolhin, and steadily and persistently refooses to learn anything. In sum wayBi The Nasby Letters. 433 but it hez its drawbax. There is sich a thing ez knowin too much, and there is slch a thing ez knowin too little. Wat I like is to hev a man who Jtnows jist enuff to know he don't know nothin — one who hez implicit con- fidence in them wich nacher hez ai pinted ez his leeders. Sich a, man toi- lers his leeders blindly and don't ask no questions, doin wat he is appinted to do, promptly aind without murmur to do, promptly and without mur- in. Anj^ other kind makes trubble. I went over into Ohio last week to assist the Dimocrisy in corralin the nigger vote, wich, jist now, wood be uv yoose to us. I wuz succeedin admirably. In Peterville, wich wuz the seen uv my labers, I found sevral wich yoost to be viv the accursed race uv Ham, in the old days, but wich is our esteemed feller citizens now, wich hedn't been considered in the matter uv ofiises ez they felt they wuz entitled to. I went at din very boldly, and with grate confidence. I condoled with em on their onforchnit posishen. I remarkt to em that the Republikin party wich hed emansipatid em hed only dun half its dooty to em. The Afrikin race hed an enemy in the Dimekratic party, and the Republiktois hed not compelled the Dimocrisy to give em oflishl posishen to the extent it ought to, and consekently the Republikin party must go. It is troo the Republikin party hed emansipated uv em from a condishen uv servltood, and hed afterward given em the ballot, but no Dimekrat wood say that the ballot wuz wuth a soo markee onJess offis accompanied it. Emanci- pation mite plant, and suffrage mite water, but offis is wat gives the in- creese. I explaned to em that the -Dimekratio party hed alluz hed the nig- ger by the throte, and the Republikin party wuz much to blame for only forsin the Dimocrisy to let go its grip In part, and, therefore, it wuz cleerly the dooty uv the nigger to go back onto the Republikins and jine in with the Dimocrisy. The Dimocrisy wanted em now, and wuz willin to let by-gones be by-gones. We wuz to hev a Dimekratic meetin that nite, to wich I wuz to speak, and after a, great deel uv work I succeeded in gittin one nigger to sit on the platform with the other vice presidents. It took a mity site uv finan- seerin to sekoor that nigger, but I wuz bound to do it. I wanted to hev at leest one en the platform with me. I wantid to hev the chance uv graspin Bill Timpson affectionately by the hand and addressin him ez "my fellow citizen," and I wantid, ef possible, to git him to the pint uv makin a few remarks, anyhow, so that the other niggers in the village shood see that the Dimocrisy wuz willin to forgive and forgit, and hev em vote with us jist the same ez tho they wuz reely men and brethren. I hed a great deel uv trubble with that nigger. He wuzn't uv much account anyhow, and didn't stand very high among his brethren, but he wuz the only one I cood approach. He promised at first, and then backed out. I took him over to the s'loon wich is the Dimekratic hed-quarters there, and filled him up. He held off till the fifth drink, and then con- sentid. "I am mean enufC now," he sed, despairingly, "to do most any- thing. I will sit hy yoo and the other Dimocrisy." I hed him watched and kep him filled up till nite, so that he coodn't git away, and finelly succeeded in histin him up on the platform, with two vice presidents, one on each side, holdiu him up, so that he woodent make a, disagreeable tabloo. The only incongrooity about him wuz he hed on a cleen shirt, but that we hid by buttonin up his coat, so that he wooden't be suspectid uv bein a Republikin spy in our camp. We fixed him so that in everything but color he looked very like a Dimekrat. I 434 The Nasby Letters. I wen so fur ez to fix up a resolooshen wich I perposed to offer-, suthin like this: Wareas, Tlie Dimocrisy hez a.lluz treetid the nisger ez an inferior bein, refoosin uv era their liberty and refoosin themthe ballot, and keep-l in era out uv ofRs, and Wareas, The Republikin party is guilty uv a gross neglect uv dooty in not compellin the Dimocrisy to take its hoof entirely off the colored race, therefore be it Resolved, That it is cleerly the dooty uv the kulerd race to immejitly jine and vote with the Dimocrisy. Resolved, That this yeer the . Dimocrisy is willin to hev the kulered voters vote, pervided they will vote the strate Dimekratic ticket, un- scratched. Everything wuz workin smooth. I hed rose and shook Tynpson by the hand, and spoke to him ez Mr. Timpson, emphasisin the Mister, for effect upon a dozen other niggers who wuz in the body uv the house. I perposed to show them that in a Dimekratic meetin a nigger hed rites wich the white ma» wuz a goin to respeck— till after eleckshun, anyhow. Then the regler trubble that allu^ ensoos when the Dimocrisy tries to do anything sot in. Just while I wu/i a lettin go uv his hand Tim Mullaly, a prominent Dimocrat uv the village, and one uv tne vice presidents,' entered the hall and came up on the platform. Tira hed his hat in his hand when his eyes rested on the nigger Timpson. Bf he hed bin struck in the face, he coodent hev bin more astonished, , Jloubtin his -eye-site he walked up close and looked him all over. 1 "Bill Tim.pson an the platform uv a Dimekratic meetin! Bill Timpson! ' Fwat the divil is the loikes uv him doin here, associatin with whoite men? Och, ye black divil! Don't ye know yer place bether than lavin yer white-washin and tryin to assoshiate wid gintlemen?" I attemptid to interfere, but it wuz uv no yoose. Mullaly hed not bin instructid, and he wuz kerryin out the distinctive ijees uv Dimocrisy ez they hed bin tawt him in the yeers gone by. And Tim whaled away and beltid the nigger one in'his jaw, and Timp' son, astonished at this recepshun and forgettin the inferiority uv his race, belted back again, and afore anybody cood interfere they wuz rollin on the platform together. Tira on top and the nigger on top, and then the othei! Irishmen in the hall all jumped on the nigger, and them ez coodent git on. the platform juraped onto the otlier niggers in the hall, and afore meas- ures cood. be taken to secure order the niggers hed bin most unmercifully beaten, dragged to the door, rolled down tha stares, and kicked into the gutter, and they cum bach with loud protestashuns that no Dimekratic convenshun in Peterville shood ever be defiled by an inferior race, and they got so eggscitid over it that the meetin wuz adjourned without any speeches at all, or the passage uv any resolooshens. The next mornin when I started out to see the mat- ter coodent be fixed up, I saw the extent uv the Dis- aster. I coodent git neer enough a nigger to reason with him. "When one saw me he wood dart down an alley and disappear. Mr. Mullaly is not a success ez a assistant consiliator. Is it alluz to be thus? Kin we ever git the Irish end uv the Dimoc- risy to the pint uv recognizin the nigger ez a bein entitled to any consid- eration? Ef Bill Timpson shood filly jine the Dimekratic party, wood ha be reseeved ez a delegate in a Dimekratic convenshun, and hev the gost, Thb ITasbt Lettsbs. 436 liv a show at a county offis? I fea • not. Wat the Dlmocrlsy uv the Bouth hez alluz tawt the Diniocr.sy uv the North concernln the nigger appears to hev taken root and is ineradicable. I ruther think the best thing we kin do is to let the nigger go, and turn f^ur attenshun to the Chinese. By pledgin our.selves to free opium, and re- raovin the disabilities we put onto em, we kin probably corraJI them. The nigger bein a native uv Amerlliy ain't entitled to any oonsidera- Bhun in a Pimekratic convenshun anyhow. Ef he wood emigrate to &oms Diher kentry, and marry, and hev children, and them children shood emi- giate to Ameriky, they wood stand sum show with us. We hed better tour on the nigger agin, and giv our whole mind to the Chine.se. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, ("Free Opium" and the Chinese Vote). MK. NASBY ELATED OYER THE OHIO ELECTION. Peterville, (Wich is In the State uv Ohio,) , October 10, 1883. Ohio Dlmekratic ! Halleloojy ! We kerried Peterville for the fust time since the star uv the Dimocrisy iBot In gloom in 1860. It wuz a bitter fite, ez we hed a majority uv 83 to lovercome, but we did it. It wuz the fanatikle ackshen uv the Temprence men wat did it. Ther hed bin a singler apathy in poUytix among the Dimocrisy in Peterville for some yeers. The prinsiple brewer uv the place wuz taintid with Per- leokshun heresies, and three uv the sloon keepers hed alluz bin in favor honest money and opposed to our Greenback theory, and ther hed bin in the past two yeers considerable scratchin and very little zeel displayed for the old party among the lokle Dimocratlc politishuns. The passage uv the Pond law wuz wat fust opened the eyes uv the brewers, sloon men and distillers to the dangers that thretened em from continyood Republikin supremacy. That, follered by the Smith law, closin sloons on Sunday, made em em think more, but the iron entered thCT soles when the Scott law robbed em uv two hundred doliers apeece, actilly shuttin up twelve sloons in the county and throwin the flxters back upon the hands uv the brewers wich hed furnished em. This deepened the feelin, wich wuz settled when a Kepublikin leglslacher actilly submitted amendments calkllatld to lessen the sale uv liklcer and to compel them Eellin likker to pay sulhin toward the support uv the government. The acksheh uv the brewers and sloon keepers wuz prompt and de- cisive. They summoned the different candidates afore em. They hed pre- viously votid different tickets — some uv em hed bin Republikins and some pimekrats. But the danger that now thretened em yoonitid em in ons solid falanx, for they felt that this wuz no time for triflin. Beer wuz assailed. They organized a committy consistin uv one brewer and two sloon keepers, I bein present ez a advisory board. The different candidates for county Offlses wuz summoned to app.ear before em, wich they did. I The Republikin candidate for leglslacher S-ppered. i "Ef yoo are electid wat do yoo perpose to do?" wuz demandid uv him. "I shel try to watch the expenditures uv the state very closely, to see that no more taxes Is piled upon the people than possible. I shel git 43b The i^ASBY tiETIEftS. j through the bill permittin us to ishoo bonds for the noo turnpike, and, ef possible, I shel git a noo penitentiary locatid in this county." "All that bs d d !" ejackilatid the cheerman. "How do you stand on the likker question ? No prevaiieation !" "I certainly am in favor uv the Scott law, and beleeve that the traffic in lilsker should be regelatld." That settled him. The Republikin candidate for Sto.te Senator wuz next interrogatid. "Bf electid," sez he, "I shel vote the distinctive principles uv our party. I agree with you, Mr. Cheerman, ez to the necessity uv pertektin Amerikin industry and for a stable currency. When it comes to the eleck- Ehun uv a Senator, in place uv Pendleton, I shel " "Bother that nonsense ! Wat do we keer for perteokshun or the eleck- shun uv a Yoonitid States Senator ? Wat we want to know is how you stand on the all-absorbin question uv Beer ?" He hed to admit that he wuz in favor uv regelatin the trafHcln some way, and that settled his hash. The next wuz the Republikin candidate for county commishner. "Give us yoor policy ef you are electid." "Wat I want the offls for is to see ef it isn't possible to git decent roads through the county, and " "That ain't wat we want to know. How do yoo stand on the likker question ?" "I reely hain't got no views— I never thought uv it. Wat I want Is good roads and decent county bildiiis." The same questions wuz put to all the Republikin candidates, and the ansers wuz about the same. The Dimekratic candidates wuz more resonable. Not one uv em hed any espeshl noshens ez to roads, cou nly improvements or- county biznls, biit every wun uv em expresst hisself in opposition to the Scott law, the Smith law, and desidedly opposed to Prohibishen. They exprest a willin- ness to give bonds to that effeck. One or two uv the Dimekratic candidates wavered for a time, but they wuz brot to their senses to wuTist. "Look at that streem uv men flottin into Simpson's !" ejackilated -%he president uv the Ukker Dealers' assosiashen. Jist look at em ! The e mite be more hats among em, and cleen shirts mite be more common; they mite hev noses more uv the hue uv the lily, and they mite not wob- ble so ez they walk, but it aint noses or cleen shirts or hull soots that vote. Under the constitooshen uv the Yoonitid States, that man with his shirt tale floatin behind is the peer uv the biggest manufacturer in Pet r- ville, and his vote counts jist ez much. Kin yoo git that man's vote with- out our help ? Not much." The pint wuz observable, and ths pledges required wuz given imme- Jitly. Prompt and vigrus ackshen wuz taken to wunst. The brewers contrib- titid 500 kegs uv beer each, and the sloon keepers pledged themselves to keep open bars till the goin down uv the sun on Tuesday. The wholesale dealers in Cincinnati, wich supplies this kentry, sent barls uv whi::ky witlj ther compliments, wich, the sloons yoosed to the best advantage. The plan uv our campane wuz very simple, but it worked. We set hoc: flowin ez free ez water, and put more v/hisky on tap than wuz ever knowj In this county afore. The crisis wuz imminent, and We coodent stop hall 1 *J?HE i^ASBT 1JETTER8. 'Ait way. We yoosed every agency knowd to further the coz uv free beer. We pent, anonymously uv course, money, to the treasurer uv the Prohibiuhen party, to assist them in makin their campane, for we knowd that eveiy vote they got wuz jist one taken from the Republilcin party, and a. half a vote for free Ukker. We hed all the money we wantid, for the sloons, brewers and distillers fairly opened their tills, and wat votes likker woodent buy our money did. However, likker wuz wat we deperdld onto. One voter with .an in- I'.amed nose wuz offered money but he declined it. "Why shood I take money instid uv likker?" sed he. "Ef I take the money, it all goes for lik- ker anyhow, and I don't keer to hev the trubble uv worrying with the change. Set em up, and keep settin em up." With the Dimocrisy sound ez u, rock, and capturln the floatln vote, uv course success wuz assured. We kerried the county by the largest majority we ever hed. We kivered ourselves with glory. We shood hev hed a larger majority but for an ontimely mlskalkela- ttien ez to the holdin capasity uv about a hundred uv our noo converts. Ez likker wuz free, they hed, fur wunst, their fill, and they liked it. But un- fortunitly about a hundred wich got in heavy loads Saturday continood Inioodishusly all nite Saturday, all day Sunday, and cleer through Mon- day nite. Toosday they wuz so bilin full ez to be Incapable uv glttin to the poles at all. Ther condishen wuzn't diskivered till half past five Toos- day afternoon, and we hedn't time tn haul em all up and vote era afore the poles wuz closed. But we hed majority enuff. It is diffikilt to gage the eggsact amount uv likker wich is safe to giva a voter, ez stumniicks vary so, and then yoo are in a fix with em any- way. Ef yoo ref oose em when y oo think .they hev enufC they are lia,- ble to go over and vote the Republlkin ticket, and ef yoo give em too much they may not be able to git to the poles at all. It looks ez tho I shood git my postoffis agin. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Exultant.) A SENSATION AT THE CORNERS. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the Staite uv Kentucky.) Oct. 25, 1883. The enormous Prohibishen vote in Ohio and the pronounced posishen Iowa hez took on the Temprence question, hez perdoosed a perfound sen- sashen at the Corners. The skies is fraught with clouds wich are increesin in darknis ez time rolls on. The ijee that 300,000 uv the people uv Ohio Bhood delibritly vote to prohibit the sale or manoofakter uv likker within Its bounds, is suthin to alarm the Dimekratic mind, everywhere and make Us paws and ask anxshusly "Wither to shoot?" and various other questions uv like import. We wuz sittin in Bascom's last nite, Issaker Gavitt, Deekin Pogram, Kernel M'Pelter and me, envelopt in gloom. I hed Jist red the noose from Ohio and while the fact that Hoadly wuz electid wuz calkelatid to cheer ns up, the friteful Prohibishen vote filled us with alarm. "Ef Prohibishen shood strike Kentucky what wood become uv my dis- tillery?" sighed Kernel M'Pelter, "and wher wood the farmers git a markit (or ther corn?" r ■ And Joe Bigler, the. feend, who wuz also ther, remarkt that possibly ef the manufakter uv likker from corn wuz prohibitid, the people mite oc-. 438 The Nasby LErranf. \ i cashunly eat sum uv It. "But," sed he, "that wood be a genoolne Ken tucky waste uv corn." "Ef Prohibishen ever strikes Ken-tucky," sed Basoom, "wat becums ui my grosery?" "It wood be terrible," replied Bigler, "but probably Pollock wood sel more dry goods and grroseries. I hev no doubt but that that selfish mai Is workin for Prohibishn in Kentucky from purely persnel motives. Hi wants the wimmen to buy calico with wat their husbands now spend li, whisky. Pollock is a. desining creecher." j "What becums uv our quarter races, with sweat-cloths, and all othei innosent amoosements ef likker is knocked out?" sighed Issaker. ""Without likker we shel never hev any more dog-fites, no prize fitei nor any other amoosement that it fit for a gentleman," sighed McPelteij orderin another drink. "But, thank Hevin, they can't kerry Kentuckj for some yeers to come." "Shut up Bascom's," sed" Deekin Pogram, "and where wood we g« eveqins? We shood all hev to stay at home with our wives." Then Joe Bigler displayed an uncommon interest In the discusshun. ' "Ef there wuz no other argument to be advanced agin Prohibishn, gen^ tlemen," sed Bigler, "the Deekin hez struck it. In the interest uv th( wimmen uv the Corners, I protest agin Prohibishn. They may go with] out shoes and stockins in consekenee uv the appetite tber husbands hej for likker and they may not alluz hev enuff to eat, inesmuch ez none m yoo kin keep yourself full uv likker and properly pervide for a family, bu| ther is no evil wit"hout»a compensatin good. Whisky, ef it brings em ? thousand woes, fetches em one comfort — It keeps yoo away from em. Mrs' Pogram may growl about insufflshent clothin in consekenee uv whisky, bu| she kin console herself with the refleckshun that it keeps the Deekin awaj from her evenings, and were I in her place I shood Insist upon ^aseom'.g keepin open even later than he does. It must be a comfort to yoor fami lies to know that yoo hev enuff reppeck for em left to keep away from en ez yoo do. "And there is another reason why I shel alluz oppose Prohibishn In Ken tucky, espeshly at the Corners. Ef vice hed no penalties attached, it woo( be a great thing for the Corners, for yoo will hev em all anyhow, bu nacher is wise. Every vice kerries with it a penalty and that penalty ii early death. "I never want to see the sale uv likker perhibited here, for were ii so, yoo men mite live forever. The grate blessin uv likker, and the cheej and only good ther is in it, is it kills Democrats. Ef 'twant fur likkei Issaker Gavitt wood live a hundred yeers, and Deekin Pogram, with thJ constooshen he wuz blessed with, wood be well-nigh immortal, and wood go on cussin an already too sinful world for a half century to come. Bu| wantin all the vices he tackles M'Pelter's noo whisky, and wat is he nov at sixty? Almost paralyzed, and a few more yeers uv it and we she! hev the pleasure uv chuckin him away in the silent tomb. "The wust yoo kin say uy whisky is it makes Dimocrats, but yoo mus put down to its credit the immensely important fact thet it also kills em "Think uv sich men as yoo livin forever! Shel we then contemplatii yoor general stile and moral make-up, rush blindly and pass any law tendin to prolong yoor lives? Never! And ez yoor children hev all bii born with appetites, even ez yoo aie, the best thing to do is to make thi destroying flooid here ez cheep ez possible, to the end uv exterminatin th breed ez soon ez the laws uv nacher permit. The i^ asbt Letters. 439 ■'■'Gentlemen, when this question comes to us count me ez actin with you. j shel put onto my banner this Insoripshen: 'Whisky makes Deekin Po- prams, but, halleloojy, it likewise kills 'em,' and under that banner "hiarch triumfantly to victory. Ef yoo wuzn't pizen thro whisky, yoo wood be thro sum other agency, and ez whisky kills and other agencies don't, whis- ky is cleerly a good thing. Watever I mite do were I a citizen uv Ohio or Iowa, 1 am agin Prohlbishn here. Noo Ukker hath its yooses." And the onfeelln broot rolled away laffln and leerln at us. Outside he wuz jined by Pollock, and the-two went over to a. little room the Tem- pranoe men hev, to concoct skeems to woory us. Wood that they both wood die. Whisky yooseful becoz it kills Dimoorats! Perhaps that is why the Lord permits it. But then the question comes In ef it is nessary to permit whisky in order to kill Dimocrats, why permit the Dimocrats? Life is runnin, over with conundrums, and this is one uv 'em. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Puzzled). I . THE DEMOCEACY AND TKE LIQUOE QUESTION. • Peterville, (Wich is in the State of Ohio), October 29, 1883. Ther isn't, probably, a more happy or contentld man in the Yoonitid States than I am. The Ohio eleckshun settled everything for me and I am content. Four weeks ago when battenin on the barren moors uv chance invitashens to take suthin, or skinnin along on the sore feet uv a sadly worn-out credit, death hed np terrors for me. Annihilashen wood hev bin an improvement, and hell cooden't hev bin any worse. The man with an appetite for sustainers without the means uv gratifying it. Is in a per- petooal hell. Yoo can't warm yoor btfwels by lookin at the bottles inside the bar, be they ever so gorgus, any more than yoo kin satisfy hunger by reading a bill uv fare. How many times hev I, standin afore a bar without the nessary 10 cents, gazin onto the brilliant bottles, hummed sadly the old song:— "Thou art so near and yet so far!" J But them days is passed. Dimocrisy and me is both happy; Dimocrisy '.hez at last got suthin solid to stand onto. We wuz all rite so long ez we hed the nigger to look down upon, but when the people got accustomed his votin, and when the heft on 'em got so that they oood read arid write and we wuz forst to look up to 'em instid uv down on 'em, abo'osin the inferior race wuzn't wuth a straw ez a, rallyin cry. The color prejoodis is all wiped out', even at the Corners. Instid uv lookin upon marryin a nigger with avershun, Isaaker Gavitt's oldest son tried his level best to marry a colored female, wliose father hed 160 akers uv land, wlth-aut a mortgage to Bascom on it. She ref oozed him with skorn. Suthin alluz comes in to help the Dimocrisy at precisely the rite time. All we hev to do is to crawl around on the bottom uv things long enuff and we alluz find suthin to go on. It's at the bottom we thrive best, i The nigger played out for us, but Rum came in to take its place. When the.Bepublikin party taxed the Rum shops, the Rum shops held out ther hands Imploringly to us. They knew who they wuz appeelin to. If ther is anything mean in polytikle matters wich the Dimocrisy hezn't cham- pioned I don't know what it is. Consekently we jined hands with the Rum 440 The Nasby Letters. intrest, jlst ez we wood hev gone to bed with yeller fever ef it controUei)! votes enuffi. | We did this for sevral reasons. Fust we wantid some certln sourc from wich to draw money, and wat better source cood ther be than th«i Rum shops? They git all the money that is floatin', and the biznis is proft. table enuff to be able to pay for bein pertecktid. We had it comfortable in Ohio. The Brewers and Rum mills com* down $75,000 to elect Hoadly, and they threw their doors and bars open. 1 didn't keer so much for the money afjer they opened ther bars to me, for, ef they hed given me money, and then made me pay for whisky, they wood hev got it all back anyhow. But it wuz soothin to be able to step up to a bar and hev the proprie- tor remark with a smile ef I wood take suthin, instid uv brootally askini ez before, for the privilege uv feastin his eyes upon my lOroent piece jist afore settin out the bottle. And then it simplifies runnin the campanes. We hev a solid vote t> terror to his friends and a, comfort to his enemies. Like a kickin m,uskii he Is dangerous only to the man ait the breech. But after all, the piroepeck is encurridgfn. Things are workin to m entire satijsfackshen. I don't know- 1 ow it is, but suthih mean enuff for U| alluz turns up jist when we want it. It is troo that we generally manag to fool it away at the wrong time, but ther is suthih in the world tiha brings us but. I hed a dreem last nits that illustrates the pint. Methawt I hed tain drinkin late at the 'sloon uv one uv my noo frend here, and hed taken ruther too much for my own good, that is ef a mai kin take too much for his own good On my way to my lodgins — I hev bii livin here at the eggspense uv the Likker Deelers' assoshiashun, and he- rooms over the Dimekratick headquarters — I succunibed to t(he Inflooensj land lay down in an alley and passed ofC into a slumber coanfortably. Tha Is one advantage in bein a. man uv like appetite -srith myself. I hev no goo^ cloze -to soil by contact with m-ad, and am never afraid uv theeves. On argument in favor uv free likker is that ef all men wuz like me theeve ■^ood be compelled to go to work fur a livin. Ther wood be ncbody bu brewers and 'sloon keepers to rob and they oood afford to set up nites wit! shot guns. But this is a digression. I wuz sleepln soundly when the sceen -was illumined -with a bloo lit wloh shed its ghastly rays all over the surroundin territory. I notist sit tin on the fence the Devil. He wuz the original Devil uv my boyhood, witli split hoofs, short horns a!nd a. tale with a, spike in it, and a short beard. H sat ther calmly,^ez if absorbed in thot, tho With a more pleasant expreshuj uv countenance than I hed ever seen on his afore. Still I shrunk. Men Ilk m-9 never like to see the Devil in close proximity. "Wat woodst thou?" sed I. Nothin!" sed he. "You ain't after me, then?" I askt. "Not much," S£d he, laffln sardonikelly, "not much. I don't waste m; tlnie. Wat yoose in co-min for yoo when yoo are certin to come to mfi[ No, my biznis is uv no akkount. I ain't doin much, myself, now. I don' hev to. My work Is mostly done for me. I am in poUytix a little." "How does yoor Majesty like the lookout?" I remarkt, affably, getti up on one elbow. "About the same ez ever. Things don't change much with me in thi keoitry, or ahy-wliere else. I hev tlie monerkys uv the old world who wori for me, and ther are jist ez many elc mence in my favor in Ameriky ez theJ Up to the time uv the war I hed slavery to keep my dominyuns populatiq and it wuz ruther a, severe blow to me when that wuz abolished. But the is a Dimocrisy .in this kentry and ther olluz will be I sjxisie till the tin^ cums for me to abdikaite. And DLmocrisy, when it entered my service cur to stay. When slavery wuz bustld, I didn't seem to hev noibhin for em t- do, but wait happenied? Why they immejitly sold tiierselvea out to llkkei The I^asby Letters. 443 md that is a heftier advantage for r e than even slavery. One rood healthy irewery, conductid by a energetic biznis man who hez an amblshn to die [futh a milyun uv dollars, is wuth more to me than a. Congreshnel deestrlk iiv slaveholders, and furnishes me with more conslltooents. "Too hev no idee uv it. It don't enshoor me sioh men ez yob are, for I hed a mortg-age onto you from the beginnin, but it does fetch in the labrers and the boys tremenjus. I don't know thajt I hev any recrootin ser- geant that is so valyooable to me ez a active s'loon keeper wich don't own his flxters, and is compelled to sell j ist so much beer a. day in order to . keep poesessio-n uv em. He does my work so well that I kin really And time to amoose myself, and that is wat I am doin now. Wat's the yoose uv ray woirryin about things when sevral thousand brewers and sevral hundred thousand uv ther lootenants are workin for me harder than I wood tor myself? Wat more do I want than to git a boy playin keerds for beer, and drinkin the stakes, with the 'sloon keeper directin him how to nab money from his mother to pay for it, and to hev that boy grow up into a man, ef lelirium tremens don't ketch him too soon, and hev ded wood that that man a godn to be a, bummer and a. loaftr? "And then when a great party champions these brewers and ther loo- tenants, why I mite ez well onscrew my tale, kivver up my hoofs and quit mis. So long ez this continyoos I may ez well take a holiday, for my work is bein done better than I kin do it. It's a very neat arrangement for me. I don't know when I've bin so well sootid. I hev the brewers, the brewers hev the 'sloon-keepers, the 'sloon-keepers hev the Dimocjratic party. Ef the umbilikle cord wich ccnnex me with the DimekraAio party don't break I'll hev the hull Yoonitid States in no time. "I kin aJluz count on the Dimocrisy. I don't hev to make any sajes- tions to em. They jist go browsln about for suthin in the shape uv wick- idnis. A good helthy sin ketches em every time. They made wars to per- petooate slavery, and ef ther wuz ever anything wrong that they didn't take sides with it, it wuz a, mistake that they felt badly over. Ef the party shood repent uv its sins with ez much eamestnis ez it does uv its occasional streeks uv goodius, it wood hev a warranty deed to the Kingdom uv Heyen.'' '. , And jisit then the Devil laffed In high glee, wich awoke me. I looked up but ther wuz no Devil on the fence, and ther wuz no smell uv sulphur, or anything elese, taut that arisin from the garbage in the alley wher I hed laid dawn to repose. Wuz it a dreem? I spose so. But all the same it seems to me that it isn't altogether one after all. Dreems yoost to be profetik, and why not now? It strikes me that things is about ez I dreemed it. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (BunvanizcdJ ME. NASBY DEB A MS ANOTHER DRE.VM. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Nov. 20, 1S8J. ' Dreems are comln to me now thick and fast. I thot I v/ood escape em by leevln Ohio, but even here, in this sanktooary, they cum to me jist the same. I hed one last nite. Methawt I wuz in a vast hall, in the center uv wich wuz placed a, Im- toense cauldron, UPder Wieh a- bloo flame wuz feeroely burnin. Around 44i The Nasb^ Letters. thia cauldron wuz gathered the leeders uv Dimocrisy, wlch wuz movli round it in slow perceshn, chantin to weerd moosic these tetchin words "Starved and bunsry, leen and gaunt, OflSs pap is wat we want, Here our offerlus we bring, Wicli in the seetUiu pot we fling, i Bubble, babble t»il and trouble. Dimocrlsy Is naugbt but bubble." Wat they wuz doin was btlin up the broth that wuz to be offered ti the ken try next year. Ez they moved around the cauldron each deposited in the kittle hli espeshl contrlbooshn. Hoverin over it wuz the devil, stirrin it with thi end uv his asbestos tale. The perceshn wuz headed by the Pacific delegates wlch dropped inU lit the persecooshen uv the Chinee. "This to kerry the Kearney votj," sed they, and the rest exclaimedi "It is well — stir it in!" "To make it thicker," continyool the Pacific representative, "jist mij this in," and he dropped Into the bilin kittle the Pacific ralerode mo-; nopoly. "It is well!" From the far West the representa'ives chucked into the kittle a heavj doso uv free trade, and then further East mixed in tariff for revenoo and fiat money, all exclaimin ez each made its contribushen, "It is wel!!' Then Ohio . wuz reecht. Ohio cu a briskly to the side uv the kettli and Gov. Hoadly, who wuz offlshiatin dropped into it several ingrejencieS) "This is the likker intrest. The b ewers electid me and they must be satisfied. This is the division uv thD skool fund, and the settin apart to the Catholic church their pro rata, fo • they nmst be held. Here is free trade for agricultural seckshuns, and high, protective tariff for the ininin and manufacturin districts, and tariff for revenoo only for the mixed In. terests." He hed two objicks in his hands, and he hesitated a minit. "I hev here fiat money and a gold basis. Wlch shel I mix in? El things now are I ruther guess honest currency will be the best." And he dropped it in, the others exclaimin in a sort uv a chant, "Droii it in, and mix it well!" Pennsylvania approached with Randall -at its head, who didn't hesi- tate a minit. "Here is perteckshun to our manutakters, a high, iron-clad jwrtektivt tariff, wich jnust be ladled out to my constitooents." "Drop it in!" sed the high pries s; "drop it in, and mix it well!" When they cum to Noo York, little Sammy Cox hove up with his armi full. "H-^re is free trade for our importers. Here is pertekshun for our man' oofaktrin deestriks. Here is gifts uv property to the Catholic church ir the great city. Here is communisnj for the long-haired furriners. Here l! absloot perteckshun and control for the beer Intrest. Here is the gin-milli and theeves' resorts uv the lower wards of Noo York. Here is the plundei uv the city and the over-taxin uv the state. Here is — " L At this pint the devil stopped hi ml. "Samyooel, yoor contribooshenj are quite sufficient for one state. Ef yoo put in everything that is ba( in Dimocrlsy, in Noo York, the kittle will bile over. There are other seckl shuns to be heerd from." I ^ The Nasbt Letters.' 445 Noo England approached sadly, a d handed out— Butler. "Keep him out," ■ shreeked the re.t. "Keep him out! We can't stand too much." . "This is all we hev," sighed the Noo England«rs, "onless John L. Sul- livan will do yoo good." Then the South cum up, armed with shot-guns and revolvers. "Here is perteokshun for sugar for Looisiana, and perteckshun for Iron for sum parts uv Georgia. Here is f ea trade for the rest uv the South, and, wat is better than all, herr is t a solid South, with all it implies. Here is the niggers murdered at Da ville, and here is wat will give us the electoral vote uv every Southern state, no matter wat the majorities agin us ought to be." Amid the wildest cheerin and thi most enthoosiastlc cries they dropped into the seethin mass fi^ir s'lot-guns and revolvers. The leeders shreeked with joy, and the devil sm ed quietly a sardonic smile. "Excoose me," he sed, "for not bein too hilarious. I hev seen a great deel uv this kind uv thing, and it isn't noo to me." * Ez he stirred up the contence uv the kittle he further remarked: "All yoor contrlbooshens are valyooable, but the two wich lays over the rest is the rum mills and the so'id South. Them is sufRshent becoz yoo kin kalkilate on em shoor. There will be a yoonitid Dimocirsy in the South ez long ez there is a nigger, and a powerful Dimocrisy in the North ez long ez ther is a, drop uv whisky or a keg of beer. The Dimekratic par- ty wuz born uv nigger and whisky, a id them two will keep it together so long ez either eggsist. The South go =•, into spasms over the nigger vote, and the beer brewers fust redoose a man to the condjshn uv votin th.3 Dimekratic tikkit, and then, hevin a, mortgage on his stumick, use his vote perpetooally to pertect em in m ikin more Dimekrats. I hev made an akkerate calkelashen and find ther the makln uv a solid Dimekrat in every four akers uv soft corn, ef it goes to a distillery instid uv bein fed to hogs. Bein konsoomed by hogs is the destiny uv soft korn in any ev?nt. "The Dimekratic pyramid is co ijjosed uv three seckshuns — Nigger ez the foundashen, beer above that f jr the substanshel body, and whisky at the summit, ez a approprit finish.' "So long ez we hev nigger and whisky in the land, the Dimocrisy hez a solid foundashen to stand upon. There is jist enufC difference uv opinion among decent men on the other ishoos to hold a, share uv tha.t vote to us, but these two hold the balance uv power. "I will stir up this mess and retire. I am not needid in this kentry any more. I will take the wings uv the morning and hie me to Poland to stir up the killin uv a few hundred J -ws, and to Ireland, to help oppress the Irish, who, bein opprest by the English, invariably vote the free trade tikkit in the intrest uv the English manufaktrers. There is work for me to do in them kentrys — here, yoo, my children, are doin it for me. I cum here for pleasure, not biznis. Adoo!" And he give the mess another sweep with his tale and disappeared thro an openin in the roof. I awoke. I hev no interpretashn to put onto this dreem. 'Ceptin in the persnel presence uv the devil it din't seem a, dreem at Ell. I hev thought the same things a thousand times. I PETROLiB ;M V. NASBY, (Modern Bunyan). •. 446 The JSTASBy Letxers. A HOERIBLE DEBAM, WHICH WAS NOT ALL A DEEAM. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), ; Nov. 24, 1883. " I hed a very remarkable dreem last nite, one wich dwelt in my mind all day. I can't shake it off. Sence the Ohio eleckshun I hev credit at Bas- com's, based upon the Improved chances uv hevin the postoffls here, and I took ez many ez 20 drinks to get rid uv that dreem, but I can't. Methawt I wuz in some place, wher it doesn't appear, but anyhow- 5 wuz informed ther wuz to be a weddin celebratid. There wuz present John Kelly and Sammy Cox the Diminutive, u-" Noo York, Hoadley and Pendleton, and all the prominent Dimekrats uv Ohio; Ben Butler, uv Massychoosits; Bayard, uv Delaware, and all tha Dimekrats uv the kentry wich eggsp ex anythiing, wich Jncloods pretity much the entire party. North and South. A part uv em wuz jolly and pleased, and part uv em wuz not. Them from the slums uv Noo York, Chicago and Noo Orleens wuz ez jolly ea grigs, but the more respectable porshen, them ez hed olf shirts and col< lars and cuffs, kep ez much in the background ez possible, ez tho they didn't more than half approve uv it. ■The rank and file wuz strikinly very much alike. Ther wuz sich a uni- formity in the matter uv nose, and a samenis in the matter uv smell, and so yooniform a lack uv shirt collar, a gineral hungry and thirsty ex- preshun uv countenance that I felt at home among em to wunst. It re- qvired no stretch uv the imaginashen to suppose myself in a Dimekratial caucus. The master uv ceremonies give a signal, the organ pealed forth the weddin march, and the bridle party entered. Fust in the perceshn wuz the devil, who wuz drest and tried to look ez much ez possible like a priest, wish wuz a failyoor. Ther wuz a nia- lishus grin onto his face, his hoofs showed very plainly, and he made no attempt to conceel his horns. Close behind him followed the bride and groom. The groom wuz frite- fully battered and bustid, apperiently half starved, and ez weeK ez a kit-- ten. He wuz supported on one side by a Kentucky distiller and on tha other by a Cincinnati brewer, who hed to fairly kerry him, givln him tem- porary strength from time to time out uv a jug labelled "Ohio." By his side wuz the bride, a tall strappin female with a blazln faca and a defiant look. I can't say that she was prepossessing lookin. Sha wuz dressed richly, but she wuz a hag In countenance, and so resembled tho oflishatin devil that she mite hev bin his half-sister. She hed a cold, malishus, crooel face, with long, strong fingers that wuz constantly clutchln at suthit^ in a, very crooel way, and ther wuz a half-wild expres- sion on her countenance that wuz anything but pleasant. Kerrled afore her wuz a, banner on wich wuz a coat uv arms. The banner wuz made uv rags uv children's clothln, stitched together, and the coat uv arms wuz a beer mug and a whisky glass, with a 10 cent piece on the rim uv each. They marched up In front uv the altar, wich wuz very like a ordinary bar, and took poslshen. The devil olHshiatin demandid, "Who gives this woman to this man?" wich wuz respondid to by the brewers and distillers, "We do." There wuz a pause for a roiuit, and then the groom with a sob broka The Nasbt Letters. . 447 *way from the side uv the bride that wuz to be, and rushed to the end jv thi6 altar. There wuz a coffin there, and a, ghastly dead female in it, and he knelt over that coffin and sobbed as Iho h's hart wood break. "In the name uv Two for Five, who are these, and wat is it all about?" I demandid uv a bystander. "Who? "What? Why the groom )s Dimocrisy." "And who Is the interesting bride?" "Why, that's Rum Power." "And the deceest in the coflln, over wich the groom Is wastin much brine?" "That's his first wife. Slavery. She's bin dead twenty yeers, but the old imbeslle hez never bin reconciled to it. He hez alluz labered unSer ihe delooshun that she still lives, and he hez bin tryin all these years to Igit her onto her feet. He hez put shot-gruns into the hands uv her fam- ily, and hez risked his own life to fetch her to but to no purpus. She Is very dead." "Well, go on." "His trends and hem hev patched up this noo match for him, in the hopes uv savin him from goin all to pieces, and to-day the rites that pBiake em one is bein solemnized. She ain't pretty to look at, but she's Bot twice the strength uv his first wife." The frends uv the' groom went to him gently and liftld hlra off the Mffln, and got him soothingly on his feet. "Too must not give way to this ontimely greef," they sed, "she wich yoo moura hed pints about her, and we feel her loss ez yoo do, but she's dead. Look at yoor noo bride and be consoled." "The noo one isn't the Solid South!" sed he, and wept afresh. "No; but she's greater than the Solid South. We hev the Solid South '.anyhow. Slavery is dead, but her sperit is doin a large assortment uv hoverin over the South. Ther is niggers in the South, and ez long ez ther is a nigger ther will be Dimocrisy. Toor noo spouse kin control the North. Her sons are the myriads uv bung-starters and spigot-turners all over the North. They hev power. They fetch a man down to the pint uv votin the Dimekratic tikkit, and they keep him ther. They hev a mort- gage on his labor, and whoso controles his labor controles his vote. She Is better for yoo and us than ever slavery wuz. Toor nigger cood run away from yoo and set up ez a man for hisself, but no man kin run away from his appetite; and the longer it stays with him the less man he Is. And then the recroots is constantly comin in, and our ranks are con- Btantly bein filled. The beer and whisky shops are our active recrootin agents. They scour the kentry for noo subjicks, and when they git em they keep em. They hev their grip on most uv the young men, and yoo will so strengthen em that they will go onmolestid', buildin yoo up. LIkker ez a Dimocratic agency jist more than discounts slavery. Ther is 40 miles uv her in Philadelphia, and a hundred in Noo Tork. Her kinsmen own the city uv Noo Tork and all the great cities. We git v/ith her strength enuff to give the controle uv the kentry to the solid South, and that means yoo. .Dry yoor teers, and proceed with the ceremony." » The bride skipped over to him, and yanked him off the coffin with more Bperit than I shood want in a bride. "Come- off, yoo old ijeot. Wat are yoo snlvelin over her fur? I am truth a dozen uv her. Wat's a few million uv niggers to the gin-mills an4 448 • The Nasbt Letters. ! beer-shops uv the hull ken try? Wat's the money interest In niggers com- pared with wat's investid in brewin and distillin and handlin the likwid death? Men are alluz activ when th^re is a dollar at stake. Men wiir peril ther immortle soles to save a dollar wich woodent spend a nicklc to: promote a grate moral ijee. All my children, all the s'loon-keepers, and them intrestid with em, are bound to yoo the minit yoo espouse me. We're wastin time. To biznis!" And with a. Jerk she fetched the poor old man off the coffin and pulled him to his feet. A pawnbroker near by handid him a handkercher and he wiped his eyes, he marched up to the altar, the devil pronounced the ceremony, and the^biznis wuz over. Dimocrisy wuz wedded to the rum power. There wuz a, slidin out uv the place uv a great many thousands of tham wich bed cleen shirts on, and them whose ncses were not trooly bee- kun lites, but ez a solid perceshn uv brewers and s'loon keepers marehed' in, each' one pullin in a score or more uv men whose trousis wuz fractered' at the knee, and whose boots wuz out at the toes, and whose facesblazed like meteors, the number wuz more than made up. The smell intensified, and the room glowed likei Vesoovius in a state uv erupshen. The weddin gift wuz valuable. The brewers and s'loon keepers give from $10 to $100 each, the state uv Ohio contribitin _alone $2,000,000, wich is jist wat the s'loons expect to save hy havin the Scott law repeeled. ■I am sorry that I awoke afore they come to the refreshments, for from the preparashens bein made I wuz satisfied that for wunst I shood hev all I wanted. They wuz rollin out barls uv beer, but, unforchoonitly, jist ez they wuz a tappin uv em, I awoke. It wuz a disappintment. Likker tastes ez good in a dreem ez It does when yoo are awake, and yoo don't git the regulation headache. I hev bin livin on dreams uv Dimekratic success for 20 years. This wuz a dreem and not a, dreem, or ruther, it wuz puttin • wat hez actilly happened in the shape uv a dreem. The weddin hez already taken place. Dimocrisy, 20 years a widderer, hez espoused the Rum power and the pair is now dwellin together in yoonity. It is well. We alluz want suthin solid to stand onto, and we hev it. When slavery died we wuz bereaved, but whisky comes in jis.t in the nick uv time to take its place. We yoost to git money from the South— now the brewers uv the North supply it. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Modern Bunyan and Postmaster thajt is to be). ME. NASBY GOES TO COLUMBUS. Confederit X Roads, CWich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jan. 25, 1884. I wuz called upon ^o go to Columbus, wich is the cappytyle uv Ohio, to assist my old friend Pendleton, wich I hev knowd but to love for many yeers. I alluz admired Pendleton, and alluz agreed with him except foi two things, lie outraged Dimocracy in two ways, viz: He alluz wore cleer shirts and wuz the father uv a Civil Servis law. I cood endoor the formei ez a insident uv his bringin up, but the latter I never wuz quite satisfiec with. Any law wich prevents a Dimekrat from takin an offls when he kii get one, is an outrage wich can't be too severely reprehended. However The Kasby Letters. 449 forgave him, for I never sposed It meant anything. Ez a perfeshnel ".Bseeker for many long-, weery yeers, and a, offls holder at oncertain Ind spasmodic intervals. I am perfeckly willin to trust the enforcement of |ny law regelatln ofTis holdin to the Dimocrisy, ef they ever git where ^ey hev the dispensln uv offlses. So long ez the Republikins hev the lower I don't see that It wood worry us very much. To go to Columbus or anywhere else, to assist in the elockshun uv Pen- [leton or anybody else, is to me alluz a work uv necessity and mercy, Fich I am willin to do. I am willin to be sent anywhere, for bein sent Im- Hies the payment uv expenses, and the payment uv expenses in any Dimo- |ratio servis meens onlimitid likker. Let me be shoor who pays for my Ikker and I keer not who makes my laws. -Arrivin In Columbus I wuz very soon informed ez to the sitooashen. rhat old war hoss, Durbin Ward, wuz out uv the ring, and Pendleton his- |elf wuz very much demoralized. A noo element hed come into the con- test. Henry B. Payne, the candidate uv the Standard Oil company, Wuz the favorit by long odds. "Certinly," I sed to myself, "ther ain't a goin to be any trouble in peetin the ojus monopolist, Payne. Ther ain't a goin to be any question BZ to layln out a, man who comes to Columbus on the strength uv his flollars only, espeshly ez them dollars hez, every one uv em, the smell uv |)il onto its garmence, every one uv wich wuz dragged out uv the people by the most ojUs monopoly ever knov/n in this or any other kentry. We Brill make short work uv this bloatld devil-fish uv a monopoly. This (Legislacher wuz electid by the Dimocrisy ez a reform Legislacher, ez a anti-monopoly Legislacher and it will be troo to its mishn." Jist ez these thots wuz a passin thro my mind, ther cum into the hotel a batch uv members from the cars, fresh from ther constitooencies. To ihem I addressed myself: "Gentlemen," I remarked (most uv em didn't respond when I sed 'gen- tlemen,' but actid ez tho they didn't know whom I wuz addressin.) "Gen- |tlemen, yoo hev a dooty to perform. Ther is two candidates for the Senit, and yoo must choose atween em. One is Pendleton, a pure Senator, a uprlte citizen, and a incorruptible legislator. The other is Henry B. Payne, the tool uv that wuss than bloatld monopoly, the Standard Oil Company. Both ask yoor votes, Pendleton, without fee or reward, Payne's ttianagers for money." 'Wat!" was the response. 'I repeat; Payne's managers for money. For the fust time In the histry uv the state uv Ohio money is bein yoosed to purchis votes. Ez pure men, ez honest men, will yoo endoor this? The managers for Payne are payin ez high ez $2,000 apiece for votes!" Did these members denounce this brootal monopoly in flttin terms, and swear to never rest till they had crushed it? Did ther faces contort with rage, and indignashen, and sich, when they heerd these awful words? Not much. H. But they immejitly flew at me and demanded wher Payne's managers cood be found, and ther wuz a foot-race to see wich cood git to his head- luarters afore the markit wuz over-stocked. I found em all there and a lozen uz em, who wuz fleshy and coodent run fast, denounst me ez no troo Dimeorat for not hevin Informed em sooner, that they mite hev got in- be- fore the quota wuz filled, that they mite hev ther whack. Then they asked 450 The Nasby Letters. wat Pendleton wuz payin, and when I told em nothln, they sot do^ and wept. Payne wuz electid triumfantly. "While my mishn wuz a faleyoor, I am more than satisfied. Hon( comes out uv the carkls to-day the same ez In Sampson's time, and we tal the honey, no matter how loud-smellin the oarkis. The defeat uv Pendleton will soon be forgotten. Some uv his frieni are sore now, but sich sores soon heel. Pendleton is down, and men forg| very quickly forgit, those who are down. Pendleton can't do nothin mo; for his trends, but Payne kin, and so Pendleton's trends will bid him afteckshnit farewell, and swear they alluz wuz for Payne. i The honey we git from the carkls is the attachin uv the StandaJ Oil company to the Dimekratio cart. It is hitched, and must do Its shaf uv haulin. Standard Oil Is now a part and parcel uv the Dimekratio pari uv the Toonitid States. It is a powerful ally. It hez money onlimitid, for It hez its hand onl every drop uv illoominatin and loobrieatin flooid in the Yoonitid State No labrer's wife wakes up at' nite and turns up her lamp to give sootl ing syrup to her sick child but pays a triboot to the StaJidard Oil coe pany. Every Bible that is read at nlte is so many cents to the Standai Oil company. In the matter of Bible readin we hev the bulge on the Ri publikins, for the Dimocrisy don't pay the Standard people very much | this way. Every Irish servant girl wich goes to the next world tryin I •make green wood burn with kerosene, holocausts herself in the Interej uv the Standard Oil company. Old Mr. Payne, when he reads his paper- P the morhin, and sees that a servant girl hez been cindered in this wa calkilates ez to how much oil wuz in the can, and chuckles to think took a gallon to burn her up, while, hed she lived, she wood hev coi soomed that nite not more than half a pint. Every farmer, every labre every house, every shop, hez to pay triboot to the Standard Oil compan and Liv course it hez money to any extent. '} To hev sich a corporashen hitched onto the Dimekratic party Is streek uv luck for wich we can't be sufficiently thankful. So fur ez money goes, we are now ez well fixed ez any Reform ai Anti-Monopoly Party cood wish. The whisky and beer-shops must star watever l.evy we choose to put onto em to pertekct em from the Repu kins, and now the Standard Oil comes in to assist with its onlimited meer Ef we don't hev all the money we want, it is becoz we don't choose to as for It. We hev now a certin fuchor. The Dimocrisy is the party uv the pe pie, the opponent uv monopoly and the advokit uv reform. Ez reforme we hev our forces drawd up in solid phalanx. We kin covint noses al be sure uv our standin. We hev the beer Intrest, the whisky intrest, a^ the Standard Oil Company.. We hev every beer shop, and every whisl Khop solid, and the mass uv votes they controle. Addid to this is tj money uv the Standard Oil company, and also that wich the Brewei Distillers and 'Sloon Keepers must contrlbbit, and wat more kin we ask^ With this army uv voters, and this magnificent commissary depa: ment, we shel inscribe "Reform!" and "Anti-Monopoly!" onto our banne and go forth conkerin and to conker. With all these forces combined we can't fail to elect the next Pre - dent, turn out the Republlkin corruptionlsts, and Inoggerate a rane troo reform, with me in the post ofllB at the Corners, and Bascom p£ The Nasbt Lettkrs. 451 glerly for my supplies. Ef the Ukker intrest with Its hand on the throte id stumlck uv half the men in Ameriky, and the Standard Oil company ith a certinty on every lamp, can't do this I am mistaken. For the fust [he In my life I see a, lite ahed. It is a kerosene lite, it is t<-oo, but it irns brilyantly. I woodent give a dollar, ef I hed to go a great way to borrer it, to be ishoored the post ofRs at the Corners after the 4th uv next March. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (S. O. C.) (Wich is. Standard Oil Company.) THE COENEES ON THE TEMPEEANCE QUESTION. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky,) Febrooary 9, 1884, The Corners Is all tore up on the matter uv tempranoe. The wimmcn re, ez yoosual, the fust coz uv the trubble, ez they are the fust coz uv all rubble. Eve begun the rumpus in the Garden uv Eden, and the sex hez antinyood makin trubble ever since. The espeshl trubble now is the insane desire wich Mrs. Bascom hez to liow oft her noo clo2e. Ba.scom hez money to buy his wife noo cloze with, nd like a fool he duz it, and when Mrs. Bajscom gits em she can't resist le delite uv wearin uv em in public. I remonstratid with her, and told her trubble wood ensoo, to wich she nsered : " Wat is the yoose uv hevin silk dresses ef no one sees em ?' " Tou mite put em on, Mrs. B.," I remarkt, "in the privacy uv yoor 3om, and gladden the eyes uv G. W.. wich pade for em, with the site liereof ." "Bosh!" wuz her reply. "Don't ycu know that no woman could take ny comfort in noo cloze onless she cood show em to other wimmen ? lan't yoo understand that the cheef delite uv hevin good cloze is in lakin every other woman wich sees em envious uv yoo ? Wear em for G. V'., indeed ! I coodent fool him." And so, that very afternoon, she rigs herself out in a flggered silk ress, with a hat with ostrldge feathers in it, and a sealskin sack, and hoes with heels, and red silk stockiis, and she paraded the whole length IV the streets thus arrayed, and tho the sidewalk wuz ez dry ez a borie he held up her skirts so ez to show them red silk stockins. It is on- ecessary to say wat effeck it hed onto the other wimmen uv the Corners. ^her wuz sevral dispoots in families wich resultid onpleasantly. Kernel ilcPelter cum to Bascom's that nite almost baldheadid, and Isaker Gav- tt hed a face wich wuz severely scratched, and- they both swore that uthin hed to be done to keep Mrs. Bascom from Inflamin the minds uv her wives with such fixins. KThen these wimmen started a croosade wich Pollock and Joe Bigler (ned In, and the result wuz a meetin uv citizens wich embraced a half lozen men and every woman in the Corners, ceptln Mrs. Bascom. Joe Big- fer made a Inflammatory speech to these wimmen, showin that ef ther fcbands wood let llkker alone they cood hev silk dresses and red silk rockins ez well ez Mrs. Bascom, thnt Bascom wuz absorbin all the money V the Corners, and that so long as he persistid in takln the money uv her husbands for sod-corn whisky, go long wood they hev to dress In caT- S?r and go without stockins, anyhow, and they mite consider themselves 452 The Nasbt Letters. lucky ef they corralled enuff to git em shoes. And they Interdoost rese 'looshens demandin the prohlbishun nv the sale uv likker in the Corners. We v/uz sent for, and we thot it advisable to go, tho it hurt my feelir to hev a meetin in the Corners uv wich I wuz not cheerman. The resolooshens wuz read, and ez spokesman for the Liberal party, made a few remarks. I sed possibly a reform wuz needid, that most me wood admit that the trade in likker shood be regelatid. But grate bodi(2| move slowly, and it wuz not wise to attempt too much. To prohibit er tirely wuz too long a step, and wood fale becoz uv the immensity uv th straddle. Wood it not be well to go a little slower and regelate the traffl! with cood be done, instid uv attempt in its destruckshen, wich wuz to possible. Bascom rose, but I pulled him down. I " Let me manage this," I sed in a whisper, "and thank the good Lorl that you hev a man uv sense to turn aside this blow." J "Wat do yoo perpose ?" asked Bigler. I went on camly. "I shood not attempt to perhibit, but regelate. Reg elashen is possible. Speekin for Base cm, wich represents the likker inter est here, I shood be willin to hev an ordnance passed perhibitin the sale uf intoxicatin drinks to drunkards and minors. That is a step in the direcli Khun you are headin for, and, is enuff for a starter." Then I coodent hold Bascom any more. He riz in his wrath, callei me a fool, and swore I hed no authority from him to make any sich com permise. "I am perfeckly willin," sed Bascom, "that you shel pass a ordnanc prohibitin the sale uv likker to drunkards. Too coodent do me any greate favor. Wat good is the parson here, or Issaker Gavitt, or Deekin Pograa to me ? I hev a mortgage on everything they've got anyhow. The^ farms are klvered ez with a blankit, and they can't work to earn anythin more. I am runnin em on tick, with no hopes uv pay. They hev oul lived their yoosefulnis to me. Take em ! Take em ! I hev no furthe yoose for em. But the minors ! Ah, n" ! Who is to take the places " these worn-out vetrans at my bar, ef you prevent me from sellin to em They kin^ still work. They kin still earn money for me, and will be able t for yeers. They hev lands wich I h^vn't a mortgage onto, and they he days' works into em, wich ef they come to me, I am shoor to git. "I don't want the regler drunkards no more, and I am willin yoo sh« make it a penitenshary offence to s?ll em likker. It wcod be a good Idc to reform em. Yoo kin keer fer em in the poor-house till they git strergt enufC to go to work agin, and then, ez they woodent be drunkards an more, they cood come back to my plane with renood strength and mone enufC to make it profitable tq. hev em . Ez they are, they are no yoose 1 me. You may hev the drunkards and welcome. "But the boys I insist upon hevin a whack at. They hev streng'I they hev vigor and they kin work. I don't perpose to hev them incloodn in any perhibishen movement. Take yer drunkards, but leeve nie (Ir boys. When they become drunkards yoo may hev them too, but n( now." Bigler and Pollock swore they'd pfiss the resolushen ez originelly pr sentld, but Bascom wuz inflexible. He turned to me, and Issaker, and tl deekin, and the kunnel, and remarked quietly, but with a manner thj meant biznis : ''Crentlemen, let em pass Jt. l>ut wjien it pomes to 3. vote g,t the poll The Nasbt Letters. • 453 must be defeetld, or not another drink do yoo git on ored'i at my tilr." " But public opinion !" I said piteously. "Public opinyun be d d!" wuz his reply. "Wher's yoor public opln- ft ? A lot uv wimmen -vyich hev no votes, and Joe Bigler, and Pollock, d a passel uv niggers. Sz I sed, I don't keer ef they perhibit sellin to unkards, but the proposishen ev. a hull shel go down. I am not crooel. 1 ii willln to carry you awhile lunger. It can't be for a great while, and sin stand it.' Bascom sed to us afterward, privately, that he shood see to ,lt that hia fe shood not inflame the wimmen uv the Corners any more by appeerin her store cloze, that he^ed arranged to send her to Loolsville every ne she yearned to display her dry-g"ods, and the matter wuz finelly set- d, so fur ez ,we were concerned, on that basis. We shel defect the proposishen ez a matter uv course, for Bascom hez He will give us credit, and no one else will. Whether the fanatix 11 attempt to carry out ther skeem remains to be seen. PETROLKUM V. NASBY, (Saved by a Scratch). THE MAEKIAGE OF FEED DOUGLASS? Confedrit X Roads, (Wlcfc Is !n the State uv Kentucky), February 19, 1884. The marriage uv Fred Douglass with a white woman wuz made known the Corners last nite, in the paper wich Bascom subscribes for, for me read in his bar, to the reglers. The Cofners wuz never so agitatid senoe e firin upon Fort Sumpter. A nigger to marry a white woman! A white woman to marry a nigger ! Ez Deekin Pogram remarkt chaps wuz now cum again. He wuz now epared for almost anything. Kernel M'Pelter plntld to it ez the legitimit suit uv freein the niggers, and the nateral outcome uv Republikin tri- nfs. It wuz nothin more than he hed profeside from the beginnin. Give e nigger his freedom fust, then the ballot, then let him hold property, id wat wuz to prevent his marryin white wimmen, or white wimmen from arryin hini. Nevertheless he didn't suppose the besotted Republikin party ood re-establish slavery, even with this afore their eyes. The horrible okkurrence occasioned so much comment that It wuz de- fied to hold a meetin to consider it. The meetin house wuz full and I ok the cheer percisely at 8. After commentin on the outrage ez its henioslty demandid, I showd lat the sooperior race cood not Intermingle with the inferior without de- isement, and after yoosin an hour or two to prove from the Skripters lat the niggers wuz the Inferior race, to wich Joe Bigler replied that ef It uz in the Bible he'd beleeve it, but he bedam ef he wood on any less testi- ony jedgin fromthe glneral average uv white men he knowd at the Cor- !rs. * Deekin Pogram then hand id me, with grate solemnity, a series uv 'solooshens wich I hed written and given him to hand to me, owin to his ability to read in a cpnsecootlve manner, wich run ez follows: Whereas, Frederick Douglass, now uv the City uv Washington, a nigger, ;oh notwlthstandin holds a offis wich a v.'hite Democrat shood be In the loyment uv, he? jnarrled 9. white woman, and 454 ♦ The JSTasly LiiiiKfts. Whereas, Nacher hez sot the seel uv disapproval onto the mlxin uv the two races, the one bein inferior and the other sooperior, and Whereas, Mlscegenashun is a crime agin nacher, and one wich shood be sternly rebooked, no matter wher and how it happens, therefore, be it Resolved, That the citizens uv the Corners enter their solium protest agin this marriage uv a white woman with a nigger, and demand uv the President uv the Toonited States the removal uv the said nigger DouglassJ from his ofSs, to the end uv emphasis n the governmental disapproval uv miscegenashen wich is abhorrent to the Corners. Joe Bigler ariz and asked the Cheer wat missegenashun really wuz, anyhow. I replied in a dignified manner that misseggnashun wuz. the mixta uv the two races, the white and the kulerd. Mrs. Pogram, wich wuz present, approved uv my definishen. "Very good," said Josef, camly, " ther is a gentleman present wich will make some remarks on these resolooshens. I beg to interdoose to this, meetin, Mr. Simeon Pogram, wich yoost to be well-known In this seckshun 20 yeers agb." The Deekin fell in a swoon off his cheer, Mrs. Pogram shreeked ez et billin water hid bin poured down the back uv her neck, and the awjence «iz in astonishment. The nigger wuz an indiviggle wich wuz born into this world uv sin and sorrer about thirty yeers ago, themother thereof bein a likely wench b'long- in to Deekin Pogram, and the bornin resulted in the mother's bein sold South, the baby bein sold to a planter adjinin, and the Deekin losin the most uv the hair on his venerable poll. The nigger hed the Pogram nose, tho ez ther wuz sum uv the mothar in him, he wuz ruther an improve-, ment on the Pograms proper. Scesely hed Simeon showed up afore that awdashus Bigler interdobst Pompey M'Pelter, wich endid in Mrs. M'Pelter fainMn. and bein removed from the house, and to finish it he brot upvanother yaller man he inter- doost ez Washington Gavitt, a half-brother of Issaker Gavitt, all yaller uv various shades. "There is others," sed Josef, "near by wich wood like to hear testimony in this matter, but I won't interdooseem, indivijjelly, by name. Enter, my children I" And throwln the door open there surged in a perceshun uv yeller young men and women uv all shades, from the color of a noo saddle up to them wich wuz almost white, whiter than any uv us, ez we wuz, with our hahda orrwashed. "These,"sed Josef, "Is all livin, breathin proofs, that whatever may be the theoretical vews uv the Corners on the subjick uv missegenashen at the present time, it didn't hold them vews some 25 yeers ago, or ef it diij hold the vews, the practis uv the Corners wuz quite different from its theories. Ez these fellow citizens and citizenesses hev, every one uv them, white and nigger blood in various portions in their respective veins, there must hev bin considerable missegena 'hun in this immejit visinity some years ago. For instance Simeon, wica looks enuff like the Deekin Pogram to be his son, is only a quarter black, his mother wuz only half white, wich shows that missegenashun extended back uv the Deekin's time. And Issaker " At this pint I interruptid him. Ther wuz no doubt but that missegen- ashen, in a modified form, did eggsist under our patriarkel Institutions— "Patrlarkel meens 'fatherly,' don't it?'" remarkt Bigler The Nasby Letters. 455 "Under our patrlarkel instooshum, but It wuz not legalized ez In the case under considerashun. It did not reseeve the sankshen uv the law. It wuz not a acknowledgment uv the ekality uv the nlgg-er, on the contrary it wuz a proof uv his inferiority. The nigger wuz our bond man and bond woman to do with ez we pleesed. But this man Douglass, a nigger, hez aotilly married a white woman — actilly mairied her by forms uv law." "I see," sed Bigler. "I git the bearing uv yoor Ijee. Missegenashun to be made entirely rite and proper must be tempered with adultery. Ef Doug-, lass hedn't married the woman it wood hev bin all rite, I spose. Parson, I'm delited to know wher we are on so important a question. That we may. be logikelly rite, I move the adops*iun uv this addishnel resolooshen: Resolved, That the Corners hez no objeckshun to the mixin uv the .races now or hereafter, pervldin it is done ez the Corners hez always didi it, without the sankshen uv marriage. He put the moshun, the niggers all votid for It, and it was carried. And then Bigler remarkt that ez awful ez this act uv Douglisses wuz, lie rdidn't thing the Corners need hev any feer uv any uv her niggers wantin to marry any uv her white wimmen, or any nigger wimmen wantin to marry |any uv her white men. The niggers uv both sexes hed enuff to do to take fteer uv themselves, without loadin up with incumbrances. Bf they shood, "he wood favor a law, in the Interest uv the niggers, forblddin that sort uv I thing. And then he adjerned the meetin sine die. i It is curious that we Dlmocrats can't git together for purpus uv resol- [vin on a simple matter like this, but that that Incarnashen uv infernalism, Joe Bigler, shel arise and put us to open shame. "Who kno^s how many tisores, parshelly heeled, he opened when he gathered them mulattoes, quad- roons and octoroons together that nite! Half the white men uv the Corners ; cum to Bascom's the next day with their faces dlsflggered and lackin in Plhe article uv hair. It is a dangerous subject to interdoose even 20 years I after the close of the war and the death of the partrlarkle institooshn. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Antl-Mlssegenashunist). THE CORNEES CONSIDER THE DEMOCRATIC FAITH. — ' Confedi-it X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), March 17, 1884. The disturbed condishn uv Dimocrisy hez bin weighin onto the Corners ■for sum weeks. We are in ruther a. pekoolyer way here, and require suthin feiore than commoonities differently organized. Basco-m hez a mortgage jpito everything wich Deekin Pogram, Issaker G-avitt and Kernel McPelter hez, and ez for me I owe him for sevrel yeers' supplies, but hev to hev jist fez much uv his goods ez tho I wuz a Vandorbilt. Stumick is stumick, and la! postmaster out uv biznis hez the same gnawin therein ez tho he wuz sit- lUn quietly in his offis and drawin his salery regler. f<- Bascom's intrest in politix lies cheefly in the fact that the Dimocrlsy ; uv the Corners will hev whisky, and, ez they ,won't work, ther ez no way - uv'payln.for it except they hold the offlses, and Uie interest uv the rest uv us is in holdin the offlsss, not so mucii with a vew uv payin wat we owe ez tvin our supplies in the fucher regeler and not precarious. We want to 3t nites quietly. The nigger, Lubbock, wloh holds the Postoffloe, and Joe Bigler, wich is a CoUeotor, don't drink llkker, so they are no good to Biasoom nor to us. 456 'The NAbSy Letters. In vew uv the differences uv opinion vnch threaten the success uv th Dimocrisy, we held a, meetin last nlte to draft a series uv resolooehens sel ting forth wat we deemed wuz rite, and wat not, to enshoor the elecshU uv a Dimekrat President and the consekent releef uv the Deekim, Issakeij Kernel McPelter and myself. ' I called the meeting to order and asked for sejestions. Kernel McPelter, wich is tryin to sell a part uy his farm for a iron fac torf, remarkt that to enshoor the success uv the Dimocrisy a strong poa shen shood be taken in favor uv Perteckshun to Amerikin industry. , Deekin Pogi-am riz infmiejiitly and insistid that instid uv Perteckshia the party shood take strong ground in favor uv absloot Free Trade. r Bz the two wuz about to -engage in a altercashen that wood endangej the harmony uv the meetin, I stopt em. \ "Gentlemen," I remarkt, "the harmony uv the party must not ba dla turbad by any sich triflin matter ez a Tariffl. We wamt Pennsylvany an| Ohio and ef we declare for Free Trade we lose em. We want lUinoy am Wisconsin, and ef we declare for Perteckshun we lose them statess. Th Tariff, gentlemen, is a question that sJiood be liftid out uv politix." Issiker Gavitt ariz and moved ez the sense uv the meetin, tlhat th ackshen uv the Dimoeratic legislaoher uv Ohio in passin a. civil rites bil givin the niggers the same privileges ez the whites, wus not Dimekratii and shood bs frowned down. Bascom riz and remarkt tihat Issaker wuz a dam fool. The Dlmocrisj uv Ohio wantid the nigger vote. Bz a, nigger's money ait his bar wuz e good ez a white man's, so on eleckshun days a nigger's vote counted & m'Uoh ez a white man's. He moved that it be declared the sense uv thi meetin that the shootin uv niggers at Danville, Virginy, and Copiah countj Mississippi, wuz tnfamus. Ez these. two wuz liable to lock horns, I riz agin. "Gentlemen," sed I, "the harmony uv the Dimocrisy must not be dis turbed by any such triflin questions e^ whether a nigger shel ride first-claS| in Ohio, or be shot in Mississippi. We want the nigger vote in Ohio, wher we need it, and we don't care a soo markee about it in Mississippi," wherj Dimocrisy hez control uv the shot-gun?. We turn ovei- the nigger to thI several sta.tes. The nigger question is one that sbood be lifted out c politix." <> The Deekin murmured suthin about Dimocrisy meanln opposiShun 1 Nashnel banks, when Kernel McPelter, wich hez a cuzin who is presid® uv a bank, and from whom he borrers occasionally, riz to oppose him, an they wuz a goin to hev a shindy. I riz wunst more. "Gentlemen," sed I, "the question uv currency operates I'n some seol shuns for us and some agin us. Bz we want all secksihuns can't yoo s« that the question uv currency, like the two wich hev come before us, shooj liftid out uv politix?" I "May I humbly enqire," sed Issaker, "wat the cheerman's noshun i^ Dimocrisy is, anyhow?" "Ez a babe and a sucklin," sed the Deekin "that Is wat I shood W to know." Wunst more I riz. "Gentlemen," sed I impressively. Dimocrisy is all embracin, Dlnnocris Is liberal. Dimocrisy is ez flexible ez a Injy-rubber shoe. Dimocrisy meai poetoffises. Dimocrisy means custom houses. Dimocrisy means odlecto The Nasby Letters. 457 'ships. On sich questions ez them wich hev come afore this meetin Dimoc-; risy gives every man the rite to hold jls't sich views ez ha chooses. Afore aeokshun it Is our biznis to be very broad. Doee one voter want civil ser- vls feform? Dlmocrlsy comes up smllln and sez 'certlnly.' Does another : oppose it? Dlmocrlsy sees no good in sioh abstraoshuns. Dlmjoorlsy hez that elastislty that straddles from Randall to Morrison without splittin Its trowsers. Like the man in the cirkus, Dlmoorisy is trained to the con- i*t(irtion act. I defy any man to propound to me any question betwixt this land next Novemiber thart I won't agree with him on, ef I only know what Fhe wants. Ws ostracise nobody who hez a vote, and who is wlllln to vote : with us. We may assoom a, bold front agin the Chlnes'e, becoz they ain't \ voters, and ain't got no friends wlch does vote, and we mite take a whack lat the Mormons for the same reason. Ef they shood ever hev the ballot, "aboosln uv em now won't hurt us. We kin do ez we did In Ohio with the ■ nigger. It ain't difficult to deny a record, and by extra zeal for em in the I'jfucher make up what we did agin em in the pa^t. •' fe "Our policy is, this yeer, very simple. Wat- we want in the government mist now is Reform. That is a safe Ishoo, alluz, eepeshly again a party wich hez bin in power. Everything that goes wrong doorin the rane uv a «p,rty in power is charged up to the akkount uv the party. It Is a prln- Sliple in human nacher. Ef we cood hev weevle in the wheet next summer P; wood save us, the Heshun fly wood give us ded-wood on the Republikins, nd the potato rot wood be our si^J'vashen. With these calamities I shood rj go forth gaily, and when a. farmer didn't hev money to pay taxes with, I i shood remark to him, Impressively, 'Too are in trubble, my friend. And yit yoo perpose to continyoo in power a Republlkin administrashen ! Bf yoo i^wood hev beitter times my honest friend, Jine with me, and turn the ras- kels out." Ten to one ef he didn't do it. ' "I love to eleckshuneer a farmer who is sittin . on a fence watohln the> fc■^:e^vle eait his wheet. M "With weevle in the wheet, with the help uv the gin mills and beer- ips, we. kin elect the next President and sekoor the pofet-offlses, pervlded fthe Dlmocrlsy don't permit theirselves to be -split up on sich trlflln matters ' ez tswifEs, banks, nigger votin, civil ssrvis reforms, Internel improvements End sich things, wich this yeer, anyhow, shood be liftld out uv politlx. "We w'i\ adjern this meetin to wunst. We must learn not to put too luoh stress' onto mere abstrakshuns. A post-offis is not an abstrack- hun, but suthin real. We must learn to take our Dlmocrlsy, ez we do our • llkker, strate, and swaller it, askin no questions. Wait we want to make . the times good — with us — ^is the Fedrel offises at the Corners. I don't keer |who plants or who waters, so that we git the increese. Paul or Apollos, it's all one to me. In sioh times remember that everything that Ife kal- Jtilaitld to lose votes shood be liftld out uv piolltix. Our central thot and golden text is — Post-offis." And after this orashen we adjemed to Basco«i and wuz refreshed. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Polltikle Manager.) THE WOMEN OF THE COENERS AGAIN. Confederlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky,) April 5, 1884. The wimmen uv the Corners are givin us much more trouble than the Bien. We kin git on with Bigler and Pollock, for we kin fate them, but 45) The JNasby Lietteks. when the wives, dawters and sisters uv the Corners git to invadin the safe red precinlis It worries us. Only last nite ther wuz almost a, tragedy They cum in and led out the Deekin Issaker, the Gavitt and Kernel Mo Pelter by the ear, took em home and locked em in their cold houses am they returned and sot up In Bascom's bar room till 12 o'clock at nite. I wuz terrible. I I have studied woman with great care; and I am free to admit tha| she hez her yooses in this world; but she is not a man and never kin be. At the attempts to convert her into sich will alluz result in ignominyus fail] yoors. Woman is ornamental; and, in certin capacities, yooseful. In hei proper speer, — movin in her regler orbit, — nothin kin be better. The wi£( uv Issaker Gavitt is to Bascom a pleasin picter when she is the fore! ground uv a wash-tub, (lertikelerly ez he knows that all the money shi earns at that pursoot he will inevitably spend at his bar. There she is ii her nateral speer, and is good. But. when that same bein flies out uv he: orbit and flies into hizzen, she is like a comet, wich sloshes about amoni worlds and smashes things. When she rushes frantically in to his ban with her four hungry brats close behind her, ajid forbids him to sell ti Issaker, ez she wants what she hez earned, at least, to buy pervisheni ann shoes for the children, she don't please me at all; she is interferlij with Issaker's prerogative ez a. man; and, while I don't delite in broo taliiy, I can't deny that she richly deserves the black eye wich she allu gits on sich occasions. I wuz never so convinst uv the danger uv women gettin out uv the, speer ez I wuz one nite when she wuz tryin to get Issaker home, and hj struck her. "Hevins! ef we only cood do suthin," sed this brazen wretcl chokin with teers and pashn, "its quick enuff 'we'd shut up sich holes e yoorn!" This to Bascom! The remark wuz full uv meanin to me. Isaker, and the others wh spend the most uv their time and all their money with Bascom, agree with me that nothin cood be so dangerous to our liberties ez women. The hevn't the reasonin faculties uv men, and hevn't the stiddiniss necessar to the proper exercise uv the governin function. Bascom's customers he often commenced the discushn uv this question, and wood, doubtliss, he struck out suthin startlin, ef they cood hev kept sober long enuff to he, developed their ideas ; but this I know, that every man who frekents hi bar is opposed to wimmin, ceptin at hOme in their place. I hev reasons for not lovin woman too much. I wuz wunst the hea] uv a family; that is, I wuz where I wuz entitled to be so by law. In m yoothful days, I married. My spouse wuz the owner, in her own rite u| a productive farm in Noo Jersey; and I hed pictered in my mind a life u felicity sich ez the poets dreem uv. It wuz a froot farm; and I sed to m^ self, Looizer Jane shel pick them peaches; Looizer Jane shel market theti Ez for me, I shall lay me on my back under the trees, and, smokir. ni pipe, try to forgive Eve for bringin labor into the world. I thought I wod compel liOoizer Jane to make reparashen to me for the evil her mother li flicted on me and all men. I hed miscalculated Looizer Jane. When I gave my direckshens tl first time, ez to what she shood do, she refoozed. I remonstrated with hd when- that infooriatid and muskeler female knocked me down with a chai and histed me out uv the house by main strength. When I returned, si poured hot water on me (wich alikounts for my baldnis), and told me ef| come near her for three yeers she'd kill me. . At the end uv that period sj The ^asby Letter3. 459 ;ot a diverse, on the ground uv desershen! ! sence wich time I hev wan- lered up and down the eaj-th with n:plainin thait. "Onct more leavin his lawful bride, he took an excursion into Kan- sas, and wuz kep mity busy for sevral years explainin that. "Tlien Slavery and Seceshn jlned hands in 1861, and attempted to mur- der his spouse, and he foUered em blindly, givin em all the help he cood. He hez bin explainin that for about 24 yeers. "From 1865 to 1878 he made a vigerus effort to save the life uv both the old hags, and he hez hed his hands full ever since to explane that. "Forgettin his marital vows he afterwards assaulted his wife's fust cousin, the Nashnel Credit, and insisted upon fiat money and killin off spe- shy payment, and he hez bin explainin that ever sence. "And jist now he Is off on a expedition with Free Trade, and he will worry yer souls out uv yoo for the next ten years tryin to explane that. "He prosecuted every unjust war we hev waged, and opposed the only just one we ever hed, and he hez bin explainin both uv em ever sence. "He rushed oft Into repoodiashen uv a honest debt, and he hez bin explainin that ever since. "He howled for speshy, when we ought to hev good paper munny, and howled for rag munny when we ought to hev nothin but speshy or its equivalent, and he hez bin explainin that ever sence. "In breef, the fust thing a Dimekratic speeker alluz does when he commences his speech is to explain, and that okkepies him till he closes. "My friends, ther don't happen to be a single thing that Dimocrisy hez attempted to do that he hezn't bin compelled to explane. He hez man- aged with a skill wich is trooly wonderful to git on the wrong side uv ev- ery question that hez bin before the Amerikin people ever since he wuz born. Ef there's a sin wich he hezn't taken to his buzm and fur wich he is now explainin, I don't happen to remember It. If's there's a heresy he hezn't sided with, an error wich he hezn't embraced, a wrong wich he hezn't champioiiid, and a, piece of d — d foolishnis wich he hezn't endorsed I hev forgotten It. "Other parties sometimes make mistakes — the Dimocrisy hez a weaknis for crime. It perpetooally wants to commit murder, without any reason for it. It is the one party that never wuz rite. One wood suppose it mite occasionally blunder into doln the proper thing, but it doesn't. It hez the whisky Inflooence at Its back, and it wood court Mormonism ef Utah hed u, electoral vote. Ther ain't any sin wich it doesn't take to with a relish, none wich its adherence won't stumick. The Dimekratic stumick is wuss nor an ostrich's — the ostrich kin digest simple stones — Dimocrisy waxes strong on actooal pizen. It can't feed on grass, and sweet corn wood turn its stumick. It wants still slops with stricknin into it. "The Dimekratic party is like a retreetin army — it alluz hez to look out for its reer. It's biggest enemy is it's past. It's' oonitinyooally whlte- washin Its past. It hez to spend it's entire time explainin how it hezn't bin reely to blame fur bein a d — d fool. It's ■" It wuz high time for this sort uy talk to stop, for the inflddle hed really got the attenshun uv the people. Ther wuzn't no yoose uv movin an adjemment, and the people must be stampeded sumhow. Heroic treat- ment wuz necessary. Camly I roae, and, interruptln the speeker, remarkt to the awjence: The Nasbt Letters. 465 "Gentlemen, I hev recently hed a legraoy left me, and I rekest yoo all o acconipany me to Bascom's, where I hev several bottles drawd from (fresh barl, wich yoo are -welcome to. I want yoo to jine roe in a drink!" The effeck wuz electrlkle. There wuz a wild charge for the door, fur ;hree bottles wood skasely go round in sich a crowd, and each wuz deter- nined to be fust. Issaker Ga\itt piled over the heds uv the crowd, and »uz out uv the door in a jiffy, with Deekin Pogram hangin to his coat tails. Che sagashus old man wuz confiscatin a, porshun uv the strength uv the younger man, that he mite not be eternelly too late. I had to pawn a, "Waterbury watch wich I hed borrered uv a travelin nan for a Looisville whisky house, to git the bottles, for Bascom is ob- Joorit. But I succeeded in breakin up the meetin. The Apossle Paul ;oodn't hold a Cross Roads awjence agin a invitashen to take suthin. I hev hopes that this sacrifice will be remembered by the next adminls- trashen, ef we elect a Dimekratic President. It is no small matter fur pio to put out three bottles uv whisky for others when I so need em iiiy- feelf. But sacrifices must be made for the cause. * PETROLEUM, V. NASBY, (Worried). THE COENERS EATIFY THE NOMINATIONS. Confederit X Roads, (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), July 14, 1884. The nooze uv the nominashen uv Cleveland, for the Presidency by the Dlmecratic nashi;iel convenshun at Chicago, reecht the Corners, by mule ex- press from the stashen at Secessionville. To say that the nooze evoked the profoundest sensashen is puttin it altogether too mild. The horn wuz toot- ed from the front uv Bascom's grosery, and at the summons the citizens uv the Corners rallied at the meetin house and we organized ourselves to- wunst into a ratification meetin. I took the chair, ez a matter uv course, and Isaker Gavitt wuz yoon- animously appintid sekretary, he beln the only citizen uv the Dimekratic' persuasion in the Corners wich hez the gift uv ritin, ceptin myself, and uv course I can't be president and sekretary uv the same meetin. The fiollerin resolooshen wuz to-wunst submitted: — Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv Confedrit X Roads hev heerd with mingled emoshuns uv pleasure and gratitood uv the nominashen uv that sterliii patriot and world-renowned statesman, Cleveland, uv — Ther ensood at this pint a most okkerd pause. What state is Cleveland from?" enquired the cheerman uv the com- mity on resolooshens. "Uv Noo York," I answered promptly. The blank wuz filled in wen unforchnitly it wuz sejestid that ez the re- solooshens wuz agoin out to the world it wood be decent to put in his fust name, and not one uv us knowd wat it wuz. Deekin Pogram insistid that It must be Androo. "The fust vote I cast for a, Dimokrat for President," he remarkt, "wuz for Androo, Androo Jaxon, and the last Dimekratic President we hed wuz another Androo— Androo Jonson. This man, Cleveland, his name must be Androo." And so it went into the resolooshens "Androo Cleveland." I dlFkivered a diffikilty the minit I red the platform. Deekin Pogram, is, and alluz hez bin, a violent free trader, while Issaker Gavitt, is, and hez bin, a violent perteckshunist, ever sence he sekoored an interest in a 466 The Nasby Letters. / "^ 1 roUin mill wich sum Eastern capytalist establisht on his father's farm. I supposed, however, that I hed em both fixed. I red it to em s^arately, and constrodd to Isaaker that nothing cood be more peteclishun, ^nd to the good old Deekln that it wuz ez wildly free trade ez ever he cood. desire. j The platform wuz red by myself and we proposed another resoloosheffl.i approvin that. Then trouble ensood. Deekin Pogram, wich is a violent free tradet, riz to remark that he cood vote for that platform with his whole hart and sole. He hed bin a free trader all his life, and he never knowd a Dimekratic convenshun to plant itself so cleerly and explicitly on the side uv f»ee trade sence he hed bin in poUytix. Issaker Gavitt riz to say he cood vote for the tariff plank with all his hart, beooz that plank showd that the bimocrisy hed finely got right on the tariff question, the plank, ez he red it, being for the proteckshun uv Amer- ikum Industry. It wuz encurridgin to them, wich beleeved in progress and sich, to hev the Dimocrisy uv the nashen rite onto this most important pint, "Do you pretend to say that the Dimocratic platform favors perteck- shun?" shreeked the Deekin. "Ez it wuz red to me, it iz for free trade, pure and simple." "Too old ass, can't yoo understand plane English? Ef It isn't a square toed proteckshun dockyment I can't spell. Too are a fool and alluz wuz." Jist then the Deekin, In the interest uv harmony, announst his inten- shun uv whalin Issaker and proceedid to do It,and ez the old man alluz did hev muscle ther wuz the prospex uv a lively row. He jumped across the seets to the secretary's desk and hed Issaker by the throte, and Issaker hed him by the hair wher it is the shortest, and they wuz a rollin on the floor in less'n no time. In the meantime Bascom and Kernel M'Pelter hed got Into a tussel ez to what the platform meant on the money question, and the rest uv the citizens got into a squabble ez to whether Cleveland wuz a Dimekrat at all or not, becoz Tammany opposed him, and the upshot uv the biznis wuz ther wuz a, row wich incloodid every Dimekrat present except me, and we broke up without passin any resolooshens or ratifyin the nominashens at all. Deekin Pogram and I retired to the back room uv Bascom's, and while" the old saint wuz a washin the blood orf his face, we hed a conversashen over the platform. "Parson," said the old man, "what is the reel meaning of the platform?" "Anything yoo like," wuz my reply, "anything yoo like. Remember it's a Dimocratik platform, and a Dimocratik platform must be comprehen- sive." "Does It meen 'tree trade or pertekshun?" "Either or both, or neither." "Parson, wunst on a time an ekestrian attempted the perilus feet uv ridin two bosses, wich wuz a goin in c'ifferent direckshuns. It resultid- in a totle failyoor, and he wuz split in. two, and his blood drenched the arena." "Deekin, I recognize the parable. But yoo must remember we ain't ridin two bosses, jist now. We hev only promised to ride em. We hev promised to ride the perteckshun boss and likewise the free trade boss, but we don't hev to git onto em till after the November elekshun. The post offises and custom houses are then sekoored, and after that we kin ride The !Na8BT Lettkes. 467 either hoss, or neither, ez we see fit. The main pint is to gret the offlscs. After that we will take our chances with the people. We git four* yeers lease uv power anyhow. Do you see?" "Principle?'" sed the Deekln inquirinly. "My'prinsiple, my deer old trend, is to hev the post offls at the Corners. Yoors shood be'to g-it yoorself warm in the collector's ofHs. See?" The Deekln did see, and within five minits he wuz moppin the blood from his face on the streets, and hoorayin for Cleveland and the platform. A similar conversation with Issaker Gavitt perdoost similer results, and at 11 at nite they wuz both sleepin the sleep uv a g-allon uv whisky on the floor at Bascom's. "Dimekratic harmony!" remarkt Bascom, smilinly, to wich 1 assented. I can't understand why voters don't understand Dimocratic conven-. shuns better. Wat do I keer for platforms espeshly, for it is so constructid that Watterson, uv Looisville, wich is free trade, and Randall, of Pennsyl- vany, wich is high perfective tariff, kin both stand on it, embracin eech other In haJmony. It Is so worded that Watterson will support It in Kentucky, ez a de- mand for reform in the tariff, with a leenin toward free trade, and Ran- dall will support it ekally in Pennsylvany, becoz It Is fur reform in the tariff, with a. decidid leenin to perteckshun. I hev red that plank keerfully, and I defy any one to perdoose a man liv any shade uv opinyun, wich I can't soot out uv that platform, pervidid I know wat the man desires invariably In advance. It will be a rather difHkilt campane to flte, becoz our speekers will hev to prepare a speech for each state they go Into. Iowa and Wisconsin will require one kind uv a speech and Pennsylvany and Ohio 'quite another. Pledgin sekoority to the nigger can't be dwelt upon very lively in Loois- lana and Mississippi, and they will hev to be ruther keerful dodgin be- ' tween Southern and Northern Georgia on ^the tariff question. But a man wich hezn't sense enufC to write three or four speeches and to make proper inquiries afore he opens his mouth ez to wat the people want, in any given locality, don't deserve to be employed by a Dimekratic central committy. Sich a man is not to be trusted. All that is needed in a speeker is great powers uv construkshen. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Construer). MR. NASBY HAS A VISION. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky,) July 20, 1884. I bed another dreem lajst nite wich left a. indelible lnipre.s(hn on my memry. I don't understand why I shood contimyelly dreem, but vishuns come to me now nitely. I can't see why. It can't come from fizzekel -causes, for I live reglerly, ez I alluz hev done. I fill up reglerly at Bas- S com's every nite, the amount I hist In dependin onto the temper uv the old man, or whether ther is stranger from Looisville ther, and I roll off toward my peaceful couch at about twelve, and sleep ez I hev alluz done. Why then, shood I dreem more now than I used to? In my dreem lost nite, methawt the old giant, DImocrlsy, wuz trotted out to be put in order for the regler four yeers' race. His old grooms and 468 The Nasbv Lettees. backers wuz with him, but It looked ez tho by csommon consent they hed turned over the keer uv him to a noo lot wlch hed him in hand, ^ere'wuz ' George WUyum -Curtis, and the edditur uv the Noo York Tjpes, and Hsnry Ward Beecher and a lot uv fellers from Massacihooslts/ wloh wuz a. examiniii him critikelly and makin sejestuns ez to wat shood be done to improve his condiston. - George Wilyum looked him all over keerfuUy. "There's too many spots on him," wuz the remark. "Here is a very sore spot marked 'Slavery,' another 'Seceshn,' an- other 'Repoodiashen,' another 'Free Trade,' another 'States' Bites," and a dozen O'thers, wich are positive blemishes. They must be removed." "Troo," sed the Massachoosits fellers, "but doubtlis they^are only skin deep, and kin easily be rubbed out. The fust thing to do therefore is to rub them out." "Eggsackly," sed Curtis. "We will Immejitly perceed to rub them out." The old backers smiled a sairdonlc smile, for they knowd the giant bet- ter than that, buit they cheerfully furnished brushes and consentratid lie and all sorts uv pov/erful soaps, and George Wilyum, Mr. Beedher and the Massaohosiits fellers went oit it. They aipplied the soap and the hot water, and they scrubbed at the spots an hour or two, til they wuz out uv breatlh, but it didn't somehow remove them. In fact the friclcsihen made em shine out all the more prominent. They sitopped and gazed at era. "Trooly," sed George Wilyum, "I hev scrubbed faithfully, and hev re- doosed the size uv the giiaait a inch, but the spot re'manes ez dolefully plain ez ever." "Verily," sed the Maasachoosetts fellers, "the spote we hev bin workin , at are not eradicatid, by no means; on the comtrary, they ai-e even more disgustinly visible to tilie nakid eye." Then they commenst agin. The body uv the giant wuz bein redoost under the operashen, for it seemed ez tho all ther wuz uv him wuz dirt, but the spots remaned. They w,uz puzzled to know wat to make uv It. Finally, Henry Ward Beeoher, wioh hed scrubbed more faithfully than any uv em, took a pen- knife and jabbed vishusly around the spot he hed bin workin at, and made an eggsamiinashen, and threw down his brush and soap in despair. "It's no yooee!" wuz his breef rentark. "Scanabbin Is in vane. These spots are not merely skin-deep — they go clear through!" "Troo," sed George Wilyum Curtis. "I hev made the same disklvery. Let us cut em out." Then the old backers interfered, and perhiblted It. "Ef yoo cut em out, yoo kill the giajit. It's born in the flesih, and can't be eradiceuted. To eradicaA;e the spots wood be to eradicate the giant. It's uv no yoose. Yoo must take him ez hs is." The Meissyschoosits fellers took one good look and one smell uv the giant carkiss they hed bin workin at, and holdin ther noses retired with grate rapidity. George Wilyum Curtis and Henry Ward Beeoher tried to gilt away, buit they hed permitted the giant to git a grip onto em, and they coodent, and they laid down beside him. Jist then I awoke. Ther is a moral to this dreem wich no one knorws better than I do. The fact Is Dimocrisy is Dimocrlsy, and it ain't noithin else. We can't make The INasby Letters. 469 H over or tmiH'oVe It. Wat Dlmocrlsy wuz 24 yeers stgo it Is now, and It ain't nothln else. Horris Greeley ttied to reform us, but it endid in rooinin Horris without doln us any good. We are now tryin to iilde bejilnd Cleve- land, buit Cleveland is too thin, and the people see through him. Behind him is the same old carkiss. George Wilyum Curtis and Henry Ward Beeoher and them fsUere are tryln to do suthin with it, but they can't un- do facts or choinge the nadier uv the animial. Dlmocrlsy is Dimocriay, no matter who is in the saddle or who is engineerin the race. It:s one and in- divisable, alluz the same and eternal— ef we cood only lay down and die and be born agin, or suthin, it would be encurridgin; but no matter wat cloak we put on, or what we perfess, It's the Siame old cancer, wioh kills every- thing it touches. I am afraid I shel never sit in that postoffis agin, nor will Deekln Po- gram toast his shins at the cheerful grate in the collector's offis. Our strength is our weeknis. Bf we don't stay Dimerkratic we ain't nothin and if we do stay Dimerkratic we are killed. We can't go over to the Republi- klns, for wat chance wood we hev ther, and to stay by ourselves is star- vashen. I am going to call a convenshun to make a compromise with Blaine. I am goin to offer him the privilege uv runnin the government ef he will per- mit us to hold the offlses. Ef he declines this, our case is hopelis indeed. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Like Bunyan in Prisn.) THE TAKIFF PLANK OF 1884. Confederit X Roads, ((Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Jooly 30, 1884. Ther are beins in this world wich are constantly makin trouble, and that feend, Joe Bigler, is one uv em, and the cheef. We hed called another meetin for the purpus uv ratifyin the nomina- shens, wich we hed dooly announst by a notlss written by Issaker Gavitt, and posted up in Bascom's bar-room to make shoor that all the Dimo- crats uv the Corners wood see it. I sot by it for day and red it to em, to enshoor a full attendance. .Joe Bigler happened in and red it, and sed it wuz a good ijee to hev a ratlftcashen meetin. He shoodent hisself probably vote for Cleveland and Hendrix, but It wuz the proper racket to hev sich, to the end uv citizens votin intelligently, and he shood swell the meetin by bein present hisself. Then I knowed ther wood be trouble, and I wood hev postponed the meetin till some time when he wuz shoor to be away, ef I cood. But un- forchinltly I cooden't. Then I begged him not to cum, but he Insisted. He wood. He felt It to be a relijus dooty. "Relijus dooty!" I remarkt sarkastically, "what Is yoor relijun?" "I hevn't got much," sighed Josef pensively. "Wat I hev is mostly summed up in this: I labor vigrusly every day with myself not to be quite as mean ez I know how to be. I shel be there." The nite cum, the horn wuz tootld, and Deekln Program, Issaker Gav- itt and myself took one sustainer to help us thro' the hour and a half we shood be In. the meetin and deprived uv sustenance, and then went over to the meetin house. It wuz a cheerful site. Mlrandy Pogram, assisted by the other Demo- 470" The Nasby Lkttkrs. kratlc ladies uv the Corners, hed got out the flags and banners' we hev^ yoosed ever sence 1861, and hed festooned the walls with em. Ther wuz i the good _,old banners under wich we marched to defeet under Stymore ' and Micklellan, and Greely, and Tilden and Hancock, with the same In- scripshens on em. "Death to Abolishnists !" "Shel White Wimmin be Com- pelled to Marry Niggers?" "White Husbands or None!" "Shel the Nigger, wich is a Beest, Contaminate the Poles Beside the White Man?" "Honor to the Confedrlt Braves!"' "Them Wich Vote ez Linkin Votid; are ez bad ez the Goriller Hisself!" and various other mottoes uv like nacher. And on the wall, in the place uv honor wuz the identikle rifle with wich that old saint, Deekin Pogram, bushwhacked Fedrel . pikkits at nite, afteri he hed bin sellin em watermelons all day. The Corners prize that rifle, and it is alluz dekorated when we hev Dimocratic meetins. One advantage uv bein a. Dimokrat at the Corners is we don't change at all. The banners we marched under in 1861 do jist ez well for us now, for we are constantly fitin the old fite over agin, and alluz will till deth do us part. I assoomed the chair arid Issaker Gavitt took the secretary's table, ex offlsho, and I made the speech ez yoosual. I commenst an elaborate discushn uv the platform uv the party, and wuz gittin on very well till I come to the tariff plank, when Joe Bigler fiz and interrupted me. I knew the cuss- wood do it, and my hart went down I into my boots. ) "I beg pardon," sed Josef, "for interruptln the elokent speeker and woodent do it, only I desire to assist him in eloosidatin the eggsact meen- in uv the platform, over wich I understand ther hez bin sum trouble. Bf ther is anything on earth wich shood be cleer and well defined, so cleer that he who runs may read. It is the platform uv principles uv a grate party. It shood be so cleer that the humblest intelleck shood know egg- sackly wat Is meant by It, and wat them wich stand on it propose to do about It. "To the end uv hevln a plane and cleer Interpretashen uv this tariff plank, it okkurred to me, when I wuz over to Seceshunville, to go to the highest authority on the subjeck, wich is Mr. Barnum, the Chairman uv the Nashnel Dimekratio Commity. Ef any body on earth ought to know wat the platform means it is Barnum, Isn't it?" The meetin all yelled 'yes!' when Josef went on. "I may ez well menshun that I assoomed the name uv our esteemed frend Issaker Gavitt and telegraf)hed thus: To V/m. H. Barnum, Cheerman uv the Nashnel Dimocratic Committee: I Does the Dimekratic platform meen perteckshun or free trade? ISSAKER GAVITT, Manyoofaktrer. The anser I reseeved wuz entirely satisfaktry. It red thus: To Issaker Gavitt, Manyoofactrer: The tariff plank in the Dimekratio platform meens tariff reform with a tendency to the Perteckshen uv Amerikln labor by impo.sin heevy dooties on the manyoofakters uv the bloatid Briton. Bare down heavy on the perteckshun tendency among yoor operatives. W. H. BARNUM, Cheerman. ' Issaker, wich hez a. small Interest In a rollin mill, rlz to his feet and | yelli.*d, "I knowd It! I knowd it! TJv course we want tariff reform, but the platform is all in the direckshun uv Perteckshun. Hooray!" "I shood also state," continyood Josef, "that when I returned to the' The I^asby Letters. 471 Corners I telegraphed wunst more to Mr. Barnum to be shoor that I lied not misunderstood him, only I yoosed the name uv our ekally esteemed friend Deekin Pogram. This wuz my second dispatch: Wat is the eggsact meonin uv the tariff plank in the Dimocratic plat- form? I ask ez a sufferin Dimekratic agricultoorist, in a farmin seckshun. DEEKIN SETH POGRAM. ?. "The anser cum back very promptly: To Deekin Seth Pogram: The tariff plank in the Dimokratic plfl-tform "is entirely explicit. It meens tariff reform with an uncompromisin leenin toward Free Trade and the rite to buy goods in England or elsewhere, ' wherver yoo kin buy em the cheepest. Bare down heavy on the Free Trade tendency among yoor oppresst agricultooral friends. W. H. BARNUM, Cheerman. "I knowd it — I knowd it!" shreeked the good old .Deekin. "Hooray! we hev a platform wich meens free trade!" Sum trouble ensood. Issaker swore that the dispatch sent to the Deek- in wuz bogus, and the Deekin swore that the dispatch sent to Issaker ^wuz bogus, for both hed hed the platform red to em and they both hed con- strood it. Issaker denounced the Deekin ez a d d ass; "for," sed he, "does not Randall, uv Pennsilvany, accept the platform, and isn't he a Perteckshun- ist?" "D d ass, yerself," retortld the Deekin. "Does not Watterson, and Carlisle, and Morrison, and Hurd all accept it, and ain't they rabid Free Traders?" And then .ez these two Dimocrats wuz throwin mud at each other the meetin broke up In a row, and Joe Blgler rolled off laffln, remarkin that he wuz sorry for the disturbance, but he wantid the platform cleerly defined and he didn't know how else to git a eleer enunshiashen uv wat it meant than by telegrafiln the Chairman uv the Dimocratic Nashnel Committy. He shood immejitly perceed to telegraff more uv em soon, and wood hev ansers by the time the Dimocrisy uv the Corners wanted to ratify agin. Ef the good Lord In his Inflnit mercy wood only take Joe Blgler to his buzm, I cood git along with the Dimocrisy ' here. He never appeers upon the surfls without makin trouble. He and that Pollok from lUinoy, together manage to keep us In hot water all the time. Wood that the good old times wuz back agin wen we cood organize and invite em, at the muzzle of shot guns, to move. But theln days hev gone, with us. Down in Mississippi It wood anser; or even in Danville, Virginny, but here the niggers are too strong for that sort uv argyment, and our sperits iz broke. Issaker and the Deekin commenst the old fite over agin, and I hevn't bin able to compromise the matter ez yit. It is a cold world and full uv trouble. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (In constant, hot water). ME. NASBY GOES TO NEW YORK. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), September 15, 1884. I reseeved'a call from the Nashnel Central committee to come to Noo York to reseeve Instruckshens for a- stumpln toor, to okkepy the time from now to November 1, wich I gladly obeyed. I never heslt; te to re- spond to a call uv this kind. I git my transportashen from here to Noo 472 The Nasby Letters. j Tork, wich is cheeper than livin at home, for the committy send me money for meels, and ez I sleep most uv the time on the way, to e-cape the monotony uv travel, I don't reely need the likker wich is necessary at home, and then, when I am in Noo Yo>-Vf, waitin my turn, I hev the free run uv the sloons in the Sixth ward. Tho the likker is unusually bad, ther is enuft uv it, wich is some consolashen. I wuz invitid up to the committy rooms, and wuz met by the chairman, the grate Barnum hisself. " Where shel we send Mr. Nasby ?" sed he to the sekretary. The sekretary enfolded a map uv the United States, wich wuz markt all over in seckshuns. " I shood start him in Western Pennsylvany," replied the sekretary. " We need much -work there." " Very good," sed Mr. Barnum, "yoo will commence work in Pitts- burg. Here is the sinopsis uv the sijeech yoo will make there, and you will need to study it keerfuUy so as to make no mistakes. Too will ob- serve that in Pittsburg the cotashuns j'oo make are from Randal's speeches on the tariff, wich goes to prove that the Dimocrisy are pledged to perteckshun solid. Devote your time an energies solely to this pint, ■yoo may, however, in Pittsburg, denounse the tariff on wool, claimin that it enhances the cost uv clothin uv the workin man, but insist that the tariff onto iron must and shel be maintaned. Find out how the peorlc are on prohibishen, and act accordinly. When yoo find a Republikin Frohibi- shenist, urge him to remane troo to his prinslples and vote for St. John, by all means, but when yoo run agin a i Ttemokratic Prohibishinist, show him the folly uv throwin away his vote on a man wich cannot be electid." " I understand," I sed. "This is cleer sailin." And I took the synopsis uv the Pittsburg speech. " From Pittsburg yoo will perceed over into Ohio. I warn yoo that yoo must keep sober in Ohio, and must yoose discreshun and cawsh'in. In the iron deestriks the Pittsburg speech will do. But remember this : When yoo git into the agriaulturel seckshuns, you must study this other speech. (He handid me another manooscript.) In this one, Dimocrisy is pledged to free trade, with a few excepshuns. Thus, when yoo are in the grazin counties in the interior, yoo must insist that the tariff onto wool shel be maintained; and also when yoo are up in the grape region insist that the tariff on wine shel not be disturbed. When yoo cross _ the lines into seckshuns where ther ain't no wool or wine, and wher ther ain't no manufacturin, yoo must argoo that free trade is the only safeguard the people hev agin monopoly. And — " "Kin yoo tell me the counties wher I must talk tariff on wool and wine and the counties wher I musn't? It wood be okkurd to git mixed on these things." Mr. Barnum perdoosed a map with lines drawn all over it. "Certinly. We hev maps prepared for the yoose uv all our speekers. Those counties on the line uv the lake wich is colored purple are wine counties, and wher there is white lines drawd thro there is wool ez well ez wine. Wher there is a black cross onto em, there is manufakters, ez well ez iwne and wool. In sich counties yoo must urge a perfective tariff on everything. In the counties marked 'wine excloosively,' the perteck- shun must be confined to wine alone. "Sometimes there 's wine in a part uv a county, and sometimes wool only in a part uv a, county, and, and in sich cases — " The Nasby Letters. 473 "Great Scott!" I exclaimed, "but I can't do this! I can't liev a dosien speeches prepared. How am X to perceed with sich a mess?" "The process is simple, though great care must be observed. On ar- ^ rlvin at an appintment, yoo must take out the map and see wher yoo are. Then on arrivin at yer hotel select from yoor valise— the commltty will fur- nish yoo a valise in wich to keep yoor cleen shirts — " "The committy will likewise hev to furnish the cleen shirts or ther will ha no yoose fur the valise onless it is to keep the manooscripts, wich, uv itself, will rekwire a very large one." "We shel furnish the valise, and the cleen shirts. We hev to do this •n'lai all our speekers, ceptin sech ez Carl Shurts, wich we pay reglar orices to per nite, fur speekin fur Cleveland and reform. By the time yoo hev filled these appintments, we will send yoo another route, and so on till November, when we hope victory will hev crowned our efforts, and yoo shel retire to yoor postoffls at the Cross Roads the foUerin March." Mr. Barnum gave me money and transportashen to Pittsburg, and I departld happy. I felt good wuust more to hev a dollar in my pokkit, and not to feer the approach uv the condukter. I hev bin droppt ott the hind end uv'tranes so many times that it is monotonous. One kin git thru the kentry by bein kicked ofE one trane and waitin fur the next to come oply to be kicked off that, but It is warin onto the seet uv the trousis. It wuz a unforchnit vencher. I wuz onlucky enuff to git into the city in the mornin, and I reported to the centrel commltty. The yoosual thing -ensood. I wuz Invitid to take suthin, wich I hed not the Spartan flrmnis to refooze. One drink led to another, fur the active Dimocrisy uv Pittsburg is drouthy, and by the time nite hed come and I hed gat onto the platform I wuz fuller than a gote. I opened up my valise and com- menst my speech. When I hev inanooscript I kin speek, drunk or sober, and I did speek. Did I speek for any length uv time? Indeed I did not. Ther cum up from that awjence sich a, storm uv imprecashuns, .such a howl uv derishun, sich a minglin uv profanity ez never wuz heerd. I sposed it wuz ther way uv applaudin and went on, smilin, till a passel uv era rushed up on the platform and histed me off, and hustled me out into the street. The next mornin I seed it all. I hed, in my intoxicashen, taken my free trade speech out uv the valise, and wuz firin that off at a Pittsburg awjence, every man uv wich wuz a. Iron manoofaktrer! Like a drunken ass, I wuz demonstratin to a awjence uv workers in iron that a tariff oij iron wuz wuss nor highway robbery, and doin it un- der the authority uv the Dimokratic nashnel centrel committy! It wuz a mercy that I wuzn't liilled on the spot. Mr. Barnum heerd uv it, and to-wunst offered me to either take an oath never to tetch likker agin, or perceed home. He writ thus: "In a campane like ours, wich is mixed, absloot sobriety is essenshel to pervent mistakes. A man with likker in him cannot be trusted to car- ry about 12 different speeches, adapted to the wants uv 12 different sets uv opinyuns. No man kin be a Ellmekratic campane speeker this yeer wich cannot be trusted to take the rite speech out uv his valise." Uv course I can't travel, or, fur that matter, stay at home, without my regler supplies, and so I resined. Better occashnel drinks at Bascom's than none at all on the road. Kegler eatin is suthin, but regler drinks is more nessary. I hope to get an appintment to speek in one seckshun, wher one speech will answer, but I will take no more mixed chances. PETROLEUM v. NASBY, (Victim uv Appetite). 474 The Nasbi' Jjexteus. (The Boston Traveller Issued a, circular to some 300 men prominent In business and politics, asking them to give their reasons for supporting Blaine and IJogan. Among others their circular was sent to Rev. Petro- ■ ieum V. y,ashy, whose answer is appended): MR. NASBY ANSWERS A .CIRCULAR. ■.,- Confederlt X Roads, • (Wich if) in the State uv Kentucky.) Sept. 10, 1884. To the Editiir uv the Boston T?i'avener: Yoo ask me to give my reesons why Blane anji Logan shood be electid. Perhaps yoo ain't aware uv whom yoo make this rekest. Perhaps yoor let- ter wuz addrest to me by mistake, or perhaps, yoo intend to be sarkastio. Ef yoo reely addres/t the letter to me it Is a holler mockery. I see no rezoins why Blane and Logan shood be electid. Do yoo com- perhend who I am, and wat I hev suffered fur Dimocrisy? Do yoo ask one fur rtezons fur the eleckshun uv Blane and Logan, widh commenst his politikle career by votta for Jaxon, and who never differed with that grae man but wunst, and that wuz when he put down seceshun n South Karliny? .Kin yoo ask fur rezens fur votin fur Blane and Logan uv one wich cast his vote for every Dimekratic President from Jaxon down, and many times three or four? I am a Dimekrat. I votid fur Bookaninon, and when the Radlkels per- cipitated a. war by refoGsin to give up Fort Sumpter I emigratid from Noo Jersey .to Kentucky that I mite not be for&t to take up arms agin the Dimeknatic states. I wuz, however, draftid Into the Confedrlt servis, from wich I desertid, not becoz I hed any objeckshun to the coz, but from a constooshnel dis- like of gunpowder and baynits. But in desertin the Oonfedracy I avoided the Scylla uv the Conf sdrit servis only to bump up agin the Karybdls uv Fedrel muskiit carryin. I wuz draftid into the fedrel army, and only escaped sheddln fratrisidle blood by desertin one nlte to Oanady. Who kin describe the agonies endoored by myself and five others that tempestuous nite on Lake Erie In a open boat! Who sihel describe the deep disgust that awaltec? me on the sacred sile uv Canady, when 1 wuz compelled to work fur a nigger there or starve! The firsit ray uv soinshine wich ever Illumined my dreery pajth, wuz when Jonson split with the Radlkels, and gave me the postoffis at the Cross Roads! That wuz a little heaven below. The salery wuzn't much, but I managed to subsist by stoppin the letters containln pemitbances for lottery tikkets, wich I did on moral grounds spendin the contenoe thereof, myself, ez a punishment to the senders. They lade the swindle to the lottery com- panies. But my zeel for reform worked again my own interests, for after a while the people stopt mailin their money. But I hev olluz bin a marter to principle. Wat wuz Blane doin all this time? He wuz the rite hand uv the tirent Linkin and wuz foremost among the persekooters uv the South. Logan! My gorge rises when I think uv him! My regiment, the Loozeaner Pelikins, wuz afore him wuoQst, and I never want to heer his name. Gittin away from him and his deloodid sojers kept me in a swamp four days and nites, wloh give me a, roomatlBm, wiah still Inkapacitates me from laber, and the Pedned government wich thus roodned me, physi- kelly, refooses to give me a penshun to soothe my declining yeers. Tub Nasbt Lettees. 475 It Is tills roomatlsm wlcih compels me to sit 16 uv the 24 hours In Bas- com's, dependin onto cOiance comers, wich are lH>rel and oarelis, fur the idrinks wlch I must hev to sustane an enfeebled consUtooshun. It is troo ■I never did work afore the war, but the g-overnment hez nothin to do with that. The grovernment wlch hunted me thro swamps wuz the coz uv my roomatlsm, and the government shood pay fur It. Will Blane and Logan, ef they are eleoUd, put ue Confedrlt soljers on a level with the Fedrel survivers in the matter uv penshuns? Deekin Po- gram and Issaker Gavltt want to know ef they will remoonerate 'em for the niggers w4ch they freed, not only dlspoilln 'em uv their property but dispcrsln their sons and dawters to the four quarters uv the globe? The last time jE wuz in Cincinnati with Deekin Pogram, we met one uv the Deekin's ante-war sons by a likely mula-tto woman, Mirandy, and he re- foozed to lend the Deekin the price uv a sustaner for him and me. And the time wuz when the Deekin owned that nigger! Will Blane and Logan pay the Deekin the valyoo thereof in shekels uv gold or shekels uv silver? Will Blane apd Logan pay the Deekin for the property conflscjtid doorin the war by Fedrel soljers? Will his clame for mules and rale&""'con- fiscatld by the Fedrels, wich wuz rejectid becoz it wuz proved upon him that while he sold the Fedrel soljers watermelons doorin the day he bush- wliEick^ em doorin the nite, will that clame be paid by Blane and Logan? No. Down here we see no reason for votin for Blane and Logan. We shel vote for ex-Sherlff Cleveland, or whoever the Demokratio Nashnsl commdtty put on in his place. We hev votid the Xilmokratlc ticket till moss hez grow^d on our bax, and we shel oontinoo till the end. We can't commence warin cleen shirts and puttin on sitockins in the summer at our advanced age. The noo generashun now comin on may do it, but we can't. We can't quit noo whisky and dog-leg terbacker, nor kin the" good Deekin oommense learnin to read in his decllnin yeers. We shel not hev onlimited nigger laber any more, but we hope with a Demekraitio administrashen to hev the niggei-s that are with us, them wioh we hev not killed, so com- pletely under control that it will amount to about the same thing. The Dimocrlsy uv the Cross Roads may be countid on ez solid and sted- fast. We see no reasons why Blane' and Logan shood be electid. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (alliiz the same.1 THE OHIO ELBOTlOlSr OF 188 k Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), October 19, ISSi. We hev r^eeved the nooze uv the Ohio election at the Corners, and various results, none uv em pleasant, hez resultid therefrom. I heerd^the noose fust, ez 1 sposed, tho ez bad noose travels fast it wuz at Bascom's afore I got down in the mornin, and am a, toler- ably erly bird there myself. I am alluz there erly, ez every day there Is travelin men wich go over to Bascom's to git ther mornin drink, and, It is well to be around on the chance uv in\i- taehens. Deprest ez I wuz, I determined not to let any uv em know that I felt it. I assoomed a serene look uv cam satisfaction and sailed in with a smile onto my face. I found the Deekin, Issaker G.witt, Kernel McFelter, and 476 ^i'HE Nasby Letters. all uv em slttin there in a state uv eggstrsme discomfiture. BaawMi wuz, not pultin it too mildly, fui-ious. "Ez yoosval," sed I, sidlin up to the bar. "Not quite ez yoosual," replied Bascom. "I hev inoggeratid a nrTr sys- tem this mornin— we depart from, the yoosual custom by re^uirln- any sich man ez yoo are to lay down five cents onto the counter afore 1 place the bottle in his too willin grasp. From this time on it is cash jist afore the delivery uv the goods." "Why this sudden, inconvenient change?" I asked. "Hev yoo het'rd from Ohio?" wuz the chillin response. "Heerd from Ohio?" sed I, valin my agony with a smile, "uv course I hev heerd the glorious nooze. We hev got em!" "Glorious nooze!" he respondid with a sneer, "Maine puked us. and -> Ohio hez physiked us. A. majority uv 12,000 agin us. Wat kind uv a git is that?" "G. W.,," wuz my cam response, for by this time I hed gO't controle uv myself, "yoo don't understand politikle tactics. The only trouble we hev in Ohio is, the Republlkin majority wuz not large enuff. However, we shel pull thro with wat we hev, tho we shood hev let em carried It by 25,00')." "I suppose ef the Republikin majority hed bin 50,000 we wood hev hed • a, ded shoor thing onto em?" "Certinly. The trooth is, our people is letharjik, and soopine, and wat we need is a defeet to awaken em. Our trubble is over-confidence, and we wantid a back-set to awaken the slumbrin lion. We played the same tac- tiks in Maine and in all the early states. Wat we want is to sav«) our strength for the final flte in November when we shel show em wat Dim- ocrisy reely is. In vew uv the tremendous success uv our tactiks in Ohio, Bascom, please set out the bottle." Bascom declined to do it; in fact, he sed I hed bin the coz uv the rooin uv the Comers. On the strength uv my profesles that we shood carry Ohio by a majority uv 20,000 he hed bet his good money and lost it. "And now yoo cum in and say that that wuz precisely wat the Dlmocrisy intendid to do. Git out!" That ended the matter. I borrered five cents and hoomlUatlnly paid. I must confess that things don't work in Ohio ez I cood hev wished. Somehow things don't work for us. We countid on the Independent Re- publikin movement, but that hez petered out to merely George Wilyum _ Curtis, the Noo York Times, and Carl Shurts at $250 a speech. Nobody " seems to hev pade the slitest attenshun to em. We hev showed up Blane ez a feerful bad man, but ez the people feendishly persist in votin for him, wat must ther estimashun uv Cleveland be? Ef they do bleeve In the soo- preme onfltnls uv the Republlkin party, wat must be ther estimit uv us? These be the conundrums wich I c n't anser. But one hope remanes, and that I hev determined onto. Our only hope is In indoosin the Prohibishnists to support St. John in sufllshnt numbers to let Cleveland slide in. The postofBs at the Corners depends onto it, and It is the only hope I hev. I hev resolved onto a botd stroke. I am goln into Ohio to help the Prohibishnists. I hev detaled the plan to Bascom, and he sees suthin in ff and hez relentid, pervldin me with an outfit and money enufC to get to the scene uv my labers, after wich I must depend onto the tempranse or- g^inlzagh^ns. I The E"asbt Letters. 477 • Basctim hez given me two white shirts, four collars, two pares uv cuffs, and a. soot uv black cloze, so that I kin appear suthin like a tempranse Ke- publikin. He hez also lent me a pare uv boots uv hizzen wich are actooal- ly mates, for it wood never do to make speeches for St. John in one shoe ai>d one boot, espeshly ef the toes projectld thro em. Then I hev shaved my entire faca and kalsomined my nose to a de- gree that wood deseeve the elect. I hev metamorphosed myself so that, ef not inspected , too closely, I mite pass fer a sooperintendent uv a Sundy- skool— a Alabama hard-shell Baptis Sundy-skool, anyhow. I am tryin to appeer like a, Republikin, from the border states at leest, and with the cleen shirts my disgise is perfeok. I shel go into Ohio and make speeches for St. John. I shel insist that this Is the time for Prohibitionists to stand iirm and be troo to ther prin- siples. I shel show em that the Republikin party ez a nashnel organiza- shen hez not taken the eggstreme ground on this grate question, and shood therefore be driven from power. But my grate argument will be this: I shel paint the Dimocrisy in ez bad colors ez possible, wich don't Heed no egg.saggerashen. Then when the Prohibishnlsts ask me wat we exiject to make by oustin the Republikins and puttin in the Dimocrisy my anser will be prompt. I shel say to em that physicians puke ez well ez physic ther pashents. The best cure for a evil is to give the pashent a double dose uv it. Ef the Prohibishnists put the power Into the hands uv the Dimocrisy for jist one term, the people will be so infernally sick uv it that they will, in 1888, rise in ther mite and go the other eggstreme, wich v/lll inclood Prohibishn and everything else. That the only way to git at Prohibishn is to give the Dimocrisy full sweep for jist one term, wich will make the people willin to take anything. This will be singler talk for a Dimocral to make, but It will do me. Ef we kin, thro this organizashen, elect Cleveland, ^t will give us the post- offlses, custom houses and the contrax, and after four yeers wat do I care? Four y.eers more will find me sleepia in the valley, and then postolhses will do me no good. And ef I survive it ther won't be money enuff left In the treasury to make holdin a offls worth while. Ez hungry ez we are, ef we don't bankrupt a nashen in four yeers it will be singler. Four yeers is all we want. For sustenance on this toor I start out with a two-gallon jug in my trunk (Bascom advanced the trunk), and he hez promised to send me demi- johns from time to time, enclosed in a box and labelled "Temperence doc- vmence." This will hev to bo taken in the privacy uv my room. I hev kalsomine for my nose, so ez to fix that. By regler kalsominin my nose I k'n pass for a tollable tempranse man, and I kin git on, so fur ez I see, in e\rerything else, onless it may be askin blessins when I am the guest uv church members. Likewise I hev laid In a stock uv cloves to disgise my bre th when I come down to breakfast. With these precawshens, I hope to git thro and ' effect my purpus. Ef this don't, work, nothin will, and we may ez well throw up the sponge. But it will work. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (For Prohibishn and a Postofiis). 478 The imasby ojetters. ' ""1 MR. NASBY MAKES A DIRE FAILURE. ! Confedrit X Roada, ; (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), October 25, 1S81. J I am back here amongst my family er haunts and in disgrace, i wuz ignominyusly eggspeld from Bascom's, he insistin that he bed given me all the trials he wuz a goin to, that somehow I don't succeed in anything^ I take "hold uv, and that he hez done with me forever. I ain't very much afrade uv that, for Bascom hez to hev me. The Corners don't reed, but. they jlst enuff interest in public afEares to compel em to hev somebody wich does, and I am the only man among em wich kin read flooently. They hev to hev me to reed the paper he takes, and thait 'accomplishment is wuth my likker. The advantages uv edicashen (fur white men) is incal- keable. I made my first plunge for St. John at Smithville, Ohio. Everything T/orked at the beginnin entirely satisfactry. I hed put on a fresh coatin tiV kalsomine on my nose in the cars afore I got out at the depot, and tak. in a mouthful uv cloves after the last drink I took out uv my pokkit com- panion, wuz in good shape to reseeve the committy at the depot. I wua taken to the house uv aJ prominent Prohibitionist at about 6 o'clock p. m., the meetin wich I wuz to address bein called aA 10. After a. substanshel supper, wich I took to kindly after the sklrmlshin so long on free lunches at Bascom's, I wuz showed to the room wher my trunk wuz, that I mite prepare for the speech. That wuz fatle. I onlocked the trunk to git out the cleen shirt wich Bascom furnished and succeeded in gittin it on, and wuz nearly reddy, when my eyes dropped onto the demijohn wich Bascom hed put into it for my sustenance thj^o the toor. Fatle demijohn! Alas for the weeknis uv human nacher! I looked at the demijohn and resoloctly turned away. I went to my overcoat and took out my j)ockit flask. Ther wuz but one mild asswager into it, and that I swallered. It did me for a minit. "Upon wat slender ithiredia Hang everlasting things," ez the poet justly rem&.rks. Hed I hed my neck tie on I probably wood hev kep enufC Prohibitionists votin for St. John to hev carried Ohio for Cleve- land, wich wood hev electidi him. But the lite wuz bad, and it took me so long to get that neck-tie on thajt I must hev another drink. I took out the demijohn and pulled the stopper. A dellshus aroma uv alcohol and fusil oil filled the room and mad- dened me. I took a long and refreshin draft, and perceedid with the neck- tie. The demijohn wuz still on the table and open. I cood not resist it, and I put it wunst more to my lips. Ez I hed no tumbler to pour out a drink, I went for the mouth uv the demijohn. It hed bin a long time sence I hed seen two gallons uv noo whisky within reach, and I pulled at it till I wuz satisfied, and then tried the neck-tie agin. By this time the likker hed begun to do its perfeck work and I becum utterly recklis. I tore off the paper collar, wich seemed to me a badge uv servitood, ' bein entirely suthin noo to my throte, and kicked of£ one boot to git myself back to suthin normal Graspin the demijohn I put it wunst more to my lips and utterin a wild war-whoop sunk eggsaustid on the floor. The l^ASBT Letters. '479 My entertaner hed bin waitin for me sum mlnits with a commltty uv seven, wich hed come to escort nie to the hall. The war-whoop wioh he hed heerd rung thro the houSft and al armed the eatire comimitty," wich rushed up to my room. The site wich met ther gaze wuz not wat they expectld. They beheld me prostrate onto the floor, the air filled with fumes uv noo whisky that wood hev made, alone and slngle-handid, any man not a frekenter uv Bas- com's drunk uv itself and without ajiy other help. This wuz enufC to hev eggsplaned the coz uv the condishn I wuz in, but ther on the floor wuz the demijohn, the preshus flooid a runnln out over the floor, the thirsty carpet drinkin up wat shood hev bin Irrlgatin my bowels. On the top uv the few cloze in my open trunk wuz a circkler from the nashnel commltty, dlreotin me how to perceed with the Prohibitionists, glvln the snap entirely away. "Nasby, from Kentucky!" exclaimed one uv em, "comin here to speek for Prohlbishn!" "A man sent to us by the Dimokratlc nashnel- commltty to speek for Prohlbishn!" exclaimed another, "wich coodri't controle hisself long enuft to keep sober, and hed to hev a two-gallon Jug uv likker in his trunk!" And they lifted me, not^o tenderly ez they mite, and histed me down stares and out uv the front door, with a stern injunckshen to be gone. I got permishn to go back after my effiex, wich I didn't keer much about, but I thot possibly ther mite be a quart uv likker wich hedn't escaped from the demijohn, wich wuz the case. That I poured into my flask, and sholderin my trunk sought out the Dimekratic hed-quarters, wich permitted me to sleep on .the floor that nite. They sympathised with me. The chairman wondered how Baacom cood be sich a, eggrejls ass ez to trust me out on a speekin toor with a two-gallon demijohn uv likker. The only way to manage sich cases, he remarkt. Is to keep the likker away from the speekers that the quantity may be relegated. No man kin be blamed for takin all within site, but proodence requires that the amount In site be kept to the pint uv not incapaasitatin a man fur his work. He blamed the commltty wich give me the demijohn, more than he did me. "No man," sed he, "wich hez acquired the proper appetite fur likker kin be trustid with a onlimitid supp»y, and besides this demijohn blznis is agin me. (The chairman uv the Democratic commltty is also proprietor uv the Eagle s'loon.) The proper thing is to buy it by the glass. It takes some time for the bar man to git out the bottle, and time is used in makin change, or chargin it up, ez the case may be, so that no one kin git it fast enuff by the glass to incapacitate him for some kinds uv biznis afore 12 at nlte. No man shood drink from a, demijohn so long ez there is a bar open. He may hev a bottle, and it will anser to yoose it ez he is goln to bed, or the fust thing in the mornin, afore he is drest, but not ez a stiddy thing. Likker needs Iqokin after." I wuz pleased with his kindnis, espeshly ez he asked me to take suthin several times. I even went so fur ez to make a proposishen to hira to leave the Corners and establish myself in his place, but he yoonanimusly declined. He remarkt that every Dimekratic county in Ohio wuz stocked with such ez I am, and there wuz no okkashun for more. PBTROL.1DUM V. NASBY, (Prohlbishn Failyoor). Postcript: — ^Afore I kin agin address the people, the die will hev bin cast. On next Toosday the voters uv the Toonitid States will hev determined: whether I shel hev my old postoflis agin or whether the nigger, Lubbock, 480 The Kakby LETTEas. Ehel continner to hold it, wich Is thj Ishoo. The fate uv the nasheni hangs tremblin in the balance. It is a question whether I shel hev reg-| ler hkker for the next four yeers, or whether Lubbock shel finish the ad-] cishn to the house wich he Is bildin. The Corners hangs brethlls on thia decision. Bascom is In a state uv mind about it, for "the credit uv all them wich expex the Fedrel offises here hez about run out. Will the people de-' sert us in this crisis? I can't think so. Eally £01 our sakes! Rally for Bascom' s sake! P- V. N. ; 1 EEJOICING OVER CLEVELAND'S ELECTION. ; Confedrit X Roads, J (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), ,^ Nov. 6, 18S4. Never sence the fust battle uv Bull Run, when it wuz represented that the Fedrel army hed bin entirely destroyed, and that the Confedrits wuz in posseshun uv Washinton, wuz there sich a feelin uv absloot joy in the Corners ez Wednesday, nite, when we reseeved the glad intelligence that our noble standard-barer, ex-Sherlff Cleveland, hed bin electid. The nooze cum over from the stashen at Seceshunville by Bascom's old- est boy, Jeffsori Davis, on his mule, wich he hed contribbited for the oc- cashun. Jeffson wuz seen ridin down the hill at a furious pace, holdiu on to the animal's tale with one hand, while he wuz belaborin him with a hickory club in the other. We knowd he hed good nooze, or he wooderit— be so recklis uv mule, and the eggscilement wuz intense. He wuz half- way down the hill, when the mule stopt suddint, pitchin Jeffson over his head. The noble boy didn't mind it. Regainin his feet, he thot a moment ez to whether he shood re-mount the mule or do the rest on fooit. Strik-J in into a run, he rushed into his father's bar, with the paper wich con- tained the glad intelligence, and exclaimin, "D — n that mule!" sunk faint- in to the floor. His mother revived him by givin him a, grown person's dose uv noo whisky, and I seezed the paper and red the glad intelligence to the delitid populis. The efteck wuz electrikle. The overjoyed Dlmocrisy howled. Issaker Gavitt tooted the horn wich we yoose, owin to the fact that the money fur a bell wich wuz sent us by the Noo England Church Extenshun so- ciety happened to come to me, ez the pastor, and Bascom knowin uv it, made me apply a half uv it to the likwidashun uv a bill at his bar, and the other half I lost that nite at a game uv seven-up with Deekin Pogram. However, the horn does very well, ez it is one uv grate power, ajid remarks ably soft in tone. We prooeedid to-wunsf to git out the relix uv the late oneasinis to dekorate the church with. The rifle wich Deekin Pogram yoosed in bush- whackin Fedrel pikkits wuz festooned and put in its old place. Miraiidy Pogram came rushin up with the skulls uv the Fedrel prizners, wich her brother, wich wuz a, guard at Andersonvllle, hed shot, and cleaned, and preserved for her, ez mementoes nv his valer, and the old war-flags uv the regiments wich went into the Confedrit servis from the visinity wuz all dustid and hung out. We wood hev hed speeches, but Bascom, wich is a ass, wuz So full uv joy that he spiled the hull thing by remarkin that his wife and son, Jeff- son Davis, wuz puttin a fresh barl on tap, and that the Corners wuz wel- come. Good the citizens endoor slttln _ In the meetin house under these clrcum' 1 ^HB Nasbt Letters. .481 stances? No, Indeed! There wuz a wild rush for his place, and the barl ■wuz set runnln, and the nite wuz glvin over to sich rejoicin ez seldom -falls to the lot 'uv man. At about 8 In the evenln I wuz pulled out uv my chair, and stood up on a whisky barl for a, speech. I hed skasely commenst when I wuz roodly pulled down. It wuz that feend, Joe Bigler, who remarkt that he felt very much like makin a speech hlsself, and when in the mood uv discharg- : In hisself he didn't want no interrupshen. * "My frends," he commenst, "I am with yoo to-nite to rejoice with yoo ! over the glorious results uv the eleckshun!" "Too rejoice with us!" eggsclaimed the supprlsed meetin. "Why yoo are a black Republlkin!" "Troo," he rephed, "too troo, but still I rejoice. I confess that, hevln a family, I hedn't the nerve to vote for Cleveland, but nevertheless I re- ; Joioe that he Is electid." \ "Give us yer reason!" shouted the eggsclted multitood. I "I hev a reeson, and it is a. good one. I kin git along under any sort nv a government; but, gentlemen, I hev children. I hev bin mitily con- ^ cerned ez to wat will become uv them when I am gone, and consekently i want to see how much uv a strane a government kin bare and survive. The reason why I am glad that Cleveland is eJectld is that if this govern- ment can stand four yeers uv sich a man, and them wich, will be behind him, it win endoor forever, for certlnly we kin never possibly git anything wuss. I rejoice becoz It Is the carryin out. In one sense, uv our system. It \s .our proud boast that any one may aspire to the Presidency. The eleck- shun Toosdy shows that that Is no vane boast. Anybody, I say anybody, after this may aspire to the Presidency, ef sich a man ez Cleveland kin igit there. A grate meny men hev bin sent to the penitentiary too soon. Ther will be walin and weepin and nashin uv teeth In them places, when a gra/te many men hear uv this, and think that cood they hev dodged a con- jlckshun they mite now be wher Cleveland ia npw. "I rejoice over the eleckshun uv Cleveland, becoz It wuz to be egg- ispectid that sumtime In the histry uv the republik sich a man shood, by lome Inscrutable decree uv Divine Providence, be elevatid to the Presiden- ly, and I hed rather the calamity wood happen while I am alive to endoor It than to hev it fall upon my innosent children. I kin stand It, for I lever knowd greef . I hev seen sich men ez Pierce and Bookannon Pres- ent, and I know wat to expect. But with my innosent children- It is dif- irent, and I want this calamity to come while I am alive and kin sort o' lomfort and sheeld em. Gentlemen, I am sick, but this feerful disgrace |ed to come some time — I am glad it hez come now." Then Josef stawked out uv the room and we resoomed our rejoicin. scorn's one barl didn't last long. Inasmuch ez It wuz a certin thing that e Pedrel ofRses wood soon be ours, he felt it safe to extend credit to ich ez wood naterally fill them places, and we ordered recklisly. I ain't ihoor how much I am In, nor is Bascom, for he hedn't time the next ornin to figger up the books, but I think I must hev ordered at leest iQ wuth myself. The credit system Is dangerous, fqr it is easy to order en yoo don't hev to pull the money out uv yer pokkft and pay. I don't keer, however. The postofHs is mine, and when I am drorln my lery I kin pay him off In installments. The festivities wuz kep up till daylite, and the heft uv the Corners slep 482 The Nasbt LErTEas. on his floor, wat little sleep they go. It wuz a glorious celebrashen uv glorious event. Half the toasts that tauz drunk wuz to the Prohibishnis uv Noo York, whose zeel for St. John enshoored the eleckshun uv Clev land, and struck a, deth-blow at the temperanse fanaticism wich serious threatened us, even in Kentucky. Out uv the five barrels uv whisky ca soomed, three uv em wuz to our Provjihishn friends. The Prohibishriia and rum mills uv Noo Tork did the biznis. j My heart is overflowin. It is the fust gleem uv sunshine I hev ^ei for twenty yeatrs. Halleloojy! PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Full). THE COENBES JOLLIFY. Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), Nov. ' 16, 1884. ' We wuz not misled. The nooze that cum to us, per Bascom's mul wuz subsekently confirmed. Clevelard is electid! When I think how cluss It wuz and how he won the fite, I am remindi uv the young physician over a/t Seceshn Crik, wich hed his fust case i obstetrix. He wuz askt the next mornln how he got on? "Tollable, tollable," wuz his reply. "The mother and child is both de but I hev hope uv puUin the old man through!" i We won by the help uv the Prohibitionis.ts and Independent Repubi kins, and by sinkin everything wich we clame ez Democratic but we hi the postofflses! That old man we hev pulled through. His majority in Noo Tork is too close for any moral effeck, but moi] effeck ain't wat we are after. All the moral effeck we want is the pos ofBs, the custom house, and the internal revenoo ofRs, with the pfaces i the clerks, postal agents, and things appertainin. The moral effeck thi we are hankerin after is a, appropriashen to bild a noo postoffls and cii torn house at the Corners, with us ez contrakters, the slack-waterin i Seceshn Crik, with us to do the work, the payment uv the debt Incurrj by the Southern states In the attempt they made to sekoor the rite uv flo gin its laber, and the penshunin uv soljers jist the same ez the Federe is penshund. In this latter acheevement I hev an espeshel intrest, for ez I served i both sides, and did jisit ez much fltin on one side ez on tother, it wood 1 a curious Dimocratic government th^t woodent give me a penshun fro both. The penshun bein $13 a month, ef I git it for Federel servis ez wi ez Confedrlt, it will be $26 a month, and that alone will be a corafortal subsistence for me, so long ez likker is only 5 cents a glass. Ef the Ci fedrlts objeck on account uv my servis with the Federels, I kin safi sware that I didn't do them no hart. The heft uv the time I spent in bi armies I wuz bizzily engaged in secretin myself in swamps. Any musl I kerried is glltlis uv hooman gore. The horn wuz tooted that the Corners mite assemble at the mee( house. The citizens wuz too smart for that. They knowd that on sich okkasion the intrest wood center at Bascom's, and they assembled th? with grate yoonanlmity. I never sec d sich gladnis afore. The faces uv t saints wuz Illuminatid with exultashen and ther wuz no need uv speecl! to voice the general joy. However, I made a short speech, and managed to hold the attensli' uv the crowd long enuff to perpose the foUerin: The Kasbt Letters. 483 ■Wareas, The eleckshun uv that noble patriot, ex-Sheriff Cleveland, Is fihoored, and the Dimocrlsy uv the Yoonltid States, after 24 years uv wan- rin in the desert uv despare, hev not only ther eyes but ther entire cor- 'arashena fixed In the promised land, it Is seemly to give credit for this pectld result wher credit is doo. Therefore, be it -Resolved, That the Corners, reco-5nisin the fact that without the as- istance uv the Independent Republi'.ilns we shood never hev electid Ueveland, we tender them our heart-felt thanks, and ashoor em that ef hey repent ever bein Republikins till we uv the Corners hev confidence nto em, that we will take em in full fellowship, alluz pervided that never ntil they hev become assimilatid, ez It were, to us, shel clame none uv Ih; ifflses, and th9.t we shel hev ihe sole privilege uv constrooin wat civil ser- ris reely is. r Resolved, That the Dimocrisy uv the Corners beleeve in civil servis re- brm, and that it may be carried out we demand the removal uv the nig- !er Lubbock from the postoffis, and Joe Bigler from the internal revenoo !ervis ez soon ez Cleveland Is Inoggerated, and that sound, stanch Demo- ;rats be appinted in ther places. And, further, ez they are certain to go, ife sejest that they don't wait till the 4th uv March, but that they resine io-wunst, and that President Arthur consult the President-elect and mak# , ippintments accordin. Waitin is we:.ry. '' Resolved, That next to the Independent Republikins wich wantid to pform the Republikin party by turnin over the government to pernounst pimocrats, all uv wich we approve uv, our thanks is doo the Prohibition- ists wich supportid St. John, and thus kerried Noo York fur us. We uv tlie Corners appreshiate this assistance, ez is like the other, it cum onex- jectid. !«•»•»••• •»*•«*«» I I hev seen enthusiasm afore but never any like that wich greeted the reedin uv this resolooshen. I wuz In Noo Orleens when the nooze cum IV the defeet uv the Fedrels at Bull Run, I wuz in Memphis when we ird uv the massacre uv the niggera at Fort Filler, but ther enthosiasm z child's play compared with that manifested by the Corners when this lolooshen wuz read. That old saint, Deekin Pogram, yelled "Set em up!" d the struggle to git to the bar wuz terrific. But Bascom wuz the ildist enthoosiast uv the lot. "Gentlemen," sed he, teers uv joy suffosin is eyes, "this is mine. ■ I don't often set up likker, for likker costs money, bd must be paid for, ez a rool, but when fanatikle tem^rance men vote to Ive the government over to the controle uv sich ez me, I can't stand on ) small a matter ez a barl uv noo whisky. Too are welcome, and I com- lence by askin yoo all to fill your glasses, and give three cheers fur St. phn and his 20,000 supporters in Noo York, wich saved the likker biznis four years anyhow." The assemblage drank, and the cheers wuz given with a will. I never rd more enthoosiastic cheerin, and ef St. John hed bin there he wood bin recompensed for his bein burned in efEgy in his own home in ansas. Enthoosiasm! I thought the people wood never quiet down, iter Bascom hed got tired uv settin uv em Up, Kernel McPelter, wich iz the distillery here, perposed three cheers and a tiger fur the Prohibi- ttists, and then the good Deekin follered soot, and then I asked ths iwd to take suthin with me. To this Bascom objectid. "To do this," he, "wood be just the same ez tho I did it, and when I do it I want e credit uv It. But take suthin all tho same. This is no time to stand ito trifles." I then perposed this: [Resolved, That after the Independent Republikins and the Prohibish- |sls, our thanks is doo to the Rev. Burchard, wich made the famous peeplj settin tjie raskle Blane agrin "Rum, Romanisni and Rebelyun," 484 The NAsay Letters. This wuz a groin to pass, for the crowd wantld another drink, 1 Kernel McPelter remonstratld. "I oppose the adopshun uv this resol shen!" sed the Kernel, "for various reasons. Troo, the reverend gentlem did us grate servls by draggln Romanism into the canvass at a very U date, but he is entitled to no credit for It. Ef yoo go to passin resoi( shens complimentin the damfools uv the world, wich happen to upset su in by ther damfoolery, wher are yoo goin to stop?- We shopd be kep pa in resolooshens from now till to-morrer mornin, and while Bascom is inj liberal mood I want to attend more clusly to the bar. Rev. Burohal made that remark wich helpt us out so gloriously becoz he is a ass i grane, and coodent help it. He had a speech, three words uv wich coi menst with a R, and he hed bin waitin weeks fur a chance to fire it c He wood hev fired it off Jlst the same ef the tendency uv it hed bin elect Blane instid uv Cleveland, and therefore why shood we resoloot f him? Ho isn't entitled to any credit for enragin the Catholix whcr i tended to vote for Blane, for the poor Ijeot hedn't the faintest ijee -w he wuz doin. Like any other jackass, he hez a. hind leg, wich hez to )ui wunst inl so long, and that wuz his time to kick! It is no credit to hi that the kick happened to hit Blane In the stumick and dubble him n for it wood hev kicked all the same ef Clevelmd hed stood wher BM? wuz. It wuz Blane's misforchoon and Cleveland's good luck that the K publikin candidate happened to stand within range uv the hind hoof » this phenomenal jackass. ' "It is diiferent with the others, for they must hev knowd wat they wi doin. The Independent Republikins must hev_ knowd that wat they w doin wood elect Cleveland, and tho I kin see no reason why they shood i ez they did, they are, all the same, entitled to our thanks. The same troo uv the Prohibishnists. . Evei'y one uv em wich wuz originelly a R publikin must hev knowd that his vote fur St. John, on whose hed I invol the blessin uv a distiller, wuz a half vote for Cleveland. They must hf actid with their eyes open, and are entitled to our thanks and oongrato lashens, but the soopreme ass, Burchard, never!" This resolooshen wuz lost, but the likker wuzn't. Bascom lost his head entirely and vacated the bar, and the Deek and myself tried for a time to dispense his hospitality, but the populis g beyond us. The spigot wuz set ruhnin, glasses wuz dispensed with ai tin dippers took their places, and the entire crowd helped therselve cheerin lustily for St. John, George V/ilyum Curtis and Henry Ward Beet! er ez long ez they cood cheer at all. We wuz all on the floor the ne: mornin. It wuz wildly enthoosiastlo, but kin we be blamed? Hon^y h, come out uv the carkis, and after so long a waitin it wuz meet that i glorious event be properly celebrated. The postoffis is within site, and hx I long for the time to come when I shel hev my own agin. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M., (Almost). ME. NASBY SEES TEOUBLE AHEAD. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky), Nov. 25, 18S4. ■ Ther ain't sich cleer sailin ez I sposed ther wood be. Mankind is'tl mcst selflshest uv the hooman family, and the most given to greedlnis ai resemblin the swine uv the valley, wich gits its feet ez well ez its nq Into the trofC. i TheNasbt Letters.' 485 VHilIe the election wuz pendln no one exprest any question ez to who 'ifuz to hev the three Federel offlses In this village. It wuz a understood matter that I wu« to be postmaster, Issaker Gavltt collector uv customs, Kernel McPelter collector uv Internal revenoo. These applntments fuz all In the interest uv civil servis reform. I hev a mortgage on the jostoffls, becoz I need it to live on, Issalcer Gavitt the custom house, be- iiOz he hez his farm mortgaged, and Kernel McPelter, the internal reve- noo oflSs, becoz beln a distiller it will be convenient for him to gauge his Bwn whisky. Then we are entitled to these places, further,beooz no three men in the Corners did so much for Cleveland and reform ez we. I raised the money to send a party under charge uv Issaker and McPelter over Into- Injeany to vote, I only stayin at home myself to act ez a guard to keep the niggers away from the poles at the Corners, to enshoor the eleck- Bhun uv a reform member uv Congress. We all hed posts uv danger, and ef any are entitled to the places uv profit it is us'ns. ' We held a meetin to consider the matter uv the offlses — the Dimocrisj^ bv the Corners yoonanimusly demandin it. We gladly acceded to their de- mands, supposin, uv course, that wat they wantid wuz to give eggspreshn io the i)opler demand for our appointment, and we all three went so fur p to borrer cleen shirts to appear in, and to prepare speeches uv thanks to fcur feller citizens fur the confidence they reposed Into us. i We asked the Dimocrisy to" turn out en masse, to organize thelrselves ito a perceshn, and fur each one to hev a banner to carry on that okkaslon make it Impressive. "Wat shel we hev put onto our banners?" they askt. "Anything," I replied, "that expresses yoor idee uv Dimocrisy." It won't never do to trust the Dl nocrisy without full preparashun. very man uv the 237 Dimocratic voters in the Corners wuz promptly on ind, each with a banner, and jist ez promptly every one uv em enrolled sn, and onto every one uv the 237 wuz this legend: "To the Victers' elong the Spoils!" - That wuz their ijee uv a Dlmekratic triumpf, and while it may be the lonest expreshn uv their Inmost hearts, it needn't hev been quite so yoo- mimusly exprest. Ther wus jist 237 Dimocra,ts present In the meetin house, and I called le meetin to order, and me and Isaker and Kernel McPelter sot there in ir biled shirts, lookin ez dignified ez possible, waitin for some one to se- at our names for the three offises, and offerin a resolooshen that Presi- tot Cleveland Immejitly appint us and settle the minds uv the Corners. Not one uv em did it, however, and to releeve the okkurd paws I se- stid that the objick uv the meetin wuz to take ackshen regardin the Fed- ofHses in the Corners, and that an expreshn uv opinyun wood be in ler. Elder Pennibacker riz and remarkt that that wuz wat we wuz met for, id ez it wuz ruther embarrassln fur a man to perpose hisself, he moved lat the sense uv the meetin be got at by ballotln fur a candidate fur stmaster! I riz to objeck, but before I cood git in a word edgeways the moshun izJkerried, and I wuz compelled to appint tellers. - Then the Dimocrisy It -their ballots and passed in solium perceshn in front uv the hat, depos- lin.them therein. , „„„ ^ ^ ^ .^ k. The tellers countid them out. Ther wuz precisely 237 votes cast, and It i^z a singler thing that every ro^n present hed jist one vote for post- Tasterl 486 Teie Nasby LuxiEEa ; "Gentlemen!" sed I li. rage, "wat does this meen? There ain't a man in this awjence wich don't know that the posishen uv postmaster at the Corners blongs to me by perscrlptive rite. Ther ain't a man who don't know that I hev bin waltin for it-^" "And I hev waitid for it!" yelled them all in korus. "Gentlemen," sed Issaker Gavitt, "we hed better pass the postoffis, for there seems to be some question ez to who shel fill that place, and pass tc| the seleckshun uv the candidate fur collector uv customs." This wuz agreed to, and the ballots wuz prepared, votid and countid out. The result wuz eggsackly ez before: 237 votes cast, and each man in the house reseevin one vote! Issaker Gavitt remarkt that he coodent understand it; that he sposed the Dimocrisy uv the Corners wuz actooatid by patjiotic motives in sup-l portin Cleveland in this grate struggle for reform, but diskiyered the| poseshun uv the Fedrel offises wuz the controllln motive. He felt a, dis- gust wich he coodent find words to express. Kernel McPelter sejestid that tlie posishen uv collector uv customs be passed, and a ballot be taken for the important posishen uv collector uv, internal revenoo, wich wuz done with this result: Vote cast 237, each man in the awjence reseevin jist one vote! The fact became apparent that ther wuz a ded-lock, for no man' coed git a majority uv even one. Every Dimocrat in the Corners wantid a posiJ shen, and not one perposed to miss a chance for any uv era. I I wuz amoosed at the rage uv Issaker Gavitt and the Kernelj and they, wondered at the camnis with wich I took the sitooashen. "Too are in the same box with us," they whispered hoarsely, "wat shel we do?" I disdaned to anser. I knew my strength. I simply pulled Bascoml over to ma and whispered in his ear: "Wat them too owe yoo, yoo kin git, for yoo hev a, mortgage onto ther lands. Wat I owe yoo is furever lost onless I git this place!" Then Bascom riz and demandid that a vote fur the postofHs be taken over agin, "and," he continued, "I want it understood that my candidate is the Parson here." I A howl uv dissent went up from the entire awjence. "Gentlemen," sed Bascom, in a very firm manner, "I beg to call yo attention to one important -fact. Ef ther is a man within the sound uv myl voice to whom the Parson is not in debt, I shood like to be interdoost to him. Ef he ain't applnted wat is to happen to the Corners? We mlt^ ez well hang cur flnanshel harp onto the willers. Wat he owes me Is gon( furever, and wat he owes everybody — " i "We don't keer wat he owes yoo!" yelled the eggecitid populis. "wJ hev rites — we hev ea much rile to tha positoffls ez he. hez. We won'' stand it!" Bascom saw that the time hed come fur suthin decisive. He rlz fron his seet and glared onto that awjence with » glare that hed in It suthir feendish. They qualed afore the llter.in that shot from his Ize. "Ter don't keer fur me, yoo don't! Too defy me, do yoo! We she see. I give yoo notls now that whoever opposes the appintment uv th Parson need never cross my threshold agin! I cut him off from his Ukker no matter ef he brings the money with him and lays it down on the couni ter. The Parson In the postoffis or excommunlcashen!" I It had its effeck. With blanched faces and piteous ize they bowgd & oun The Nasby Letters. 487 le man and sed: "Anything but that! We withdraw our claim to that [osishen!" "I thought yoo wood," replied Ba scorn, wich is indeed a Napoleon. "I on't keer about the other places, but ez the Parson hez absorbed about all the surplus capitle uv the Corners in the twenty-four yeers he hez lived lere, we must hev a show to git It back. Yoo kin fite over the other of- floes, but this is sakred to me." I am well enuff fixed, but the greed and hungrlnis uv the Dimocrisj' is fflsgustin. Labor is entirely suspendld. Every man in the Corners is out on the street with a, petishn fur his own appintment to one uv the two re- mainin posishv.ns, and fites okkur every minit. Ez ther ain't but two [aces, and ez half the Dimoorisy uv the Corners want one and tother half the other, ther is terrible differences uv opinyun. I don't know wat 'the thing will end in. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Saved by circumstances). p. S. — Issaker Gavitt and Kernel McPelter hev made a. stroke. They hev jlned foices. The Kernel is to be collector uv revenoo, and Issaker is to be depitty, the salary to be divided ekal, consekently the Kernel hez itwo names on his petishn. 2d P. S.— Deekin Pogram and Elder Pennibacber hev hitched teems, on the same basis. The Deekin is to be collector uv customs, and the Elder is depitty, and they are also to divide the salary. The Deekin hez con- lekently two names on his petishn. 3d P. S. — The rest uv the Dimpcrisy uv the Corners are goln to call a eetin pertestin agin this doublln up to inflooence the President. They "'tware it ain't in akkordance with civil servls reform. 4th P. S. — Joe Bigler hez dashed all our hopes, and the Corners is in lournin. He comes to us with the statement that President Cleveland goin to stick by the civil servls rools, and that no offishl will be re- '^^oved eeptin for coz! Ceptin for coz! Wait holler mockery! Ain't we, wich supported him, in to hev the places? Ain't we wich fot and bled (money) and went to jeany and votid in the sakred coz uv reform, ain't we goin to be post- asters and sich? Another meetin hez bin called for to-nite, sined by ,e 237 applicants for the three places, to denounse President Cleveland's "^^kshen ez undemocratic, unholy and out uv all precedent. They will be ""mere, and ef a stingin- rebuke don't go up from the Corners I am mis- "'^Bbten. We bin stand anything but this. We fought for reform, and wat ''mnd uv reform is it that leaves a. nl?ger in the postofHs, when I owe Bas- "''lom for 24 years' supplies, and Joe Bigler in the collector's ofBs, with Bas- ra holdln a mortgage on Issaker Gavitt's farm! That won't do, and * 'President Cleveland must understand it. We mite ez well hev Blane for Ki Resident. P- V. N. i,j,» MR. NASBY GROWING IMPATIENT. 1 11^^ Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), March 11, 1885. I Inter.did to go to Washington, myself, to attend the Inoggerashen, it I found it wuz Impossible. I wantid to brace up the President-elect, le champion uv civil servis reform, in the matter uv the appintments the Corners, but two things stood in the way. To go to Washington in le intrest uv civil servls reform required a cleen shirt, and money. The 488 TjiE NASBi- Letters. eleen shirt I managed. Lubbock, the _ nigger, postmaster here, wich_ held the place sence Linkia's day, cept'in the time that Johnson wuz cidentally histed into the place, hez several shirts, and ez he lives qui! a. distance from the Corners, the Dim3kratic end uv the village, his wii feels safe in leevin heV washin out over nite. I borrerd a shirt from Mr Lubbock at about 12 one nlte, without Indulgln in any preliminary tal^ with either her or her husband. They charged it up to tramps, and thi wuz the end uv it. But when it come to gittin money to go onto, that wuz quite anoth(_ thing. Bascom sed ef I wood give bonds tp stay away after I hed goj he'd furnish the capital for me to go on, with great willingnis, but-ef wuz only to go and return, he most respectfully declined. I sejested him that while I wuz gone I woodent be runnin up a bill at his bar, bi he sed he hed figgered that up, also. It wuz cheeper to keep me here tin to furnish me money to go on. Troo, wat llkker I drunk wuz equivalei| to a dead loss, but okkasionally 1 managed to rope in a stranger, and tt profit he got out uv that did suthiu toward lessenln the cost uv keepin m; while ez he gave me money, that wuz gone forever. Bz th rest uv my friends buttoned up their pokkits when I Intimit that I needid rnoney to go with to prevent the President from forgittlnu when he come to reformin the civil servis by histin Lubbock, Joe Bi ler and Pollock, I made up my mind I woodent go at all. But wat we uv the Corners want to know is, when Is the Preside agoin to move on the enemies' works? When Is the civil servis refer again to begin? When is Lubbock agcin to be higied? When am I ago to be put in posishen to pay cash fur likker, and not be hoomlliatid 1 the necessity uv borrerln a clean shirt, when I want one, off uv Lubbocli cloze line at 12 o'clock at nite? When is Issaker Gavitt agoin to take J Eigler's place, and when is Deekin Pogram agoin to apply the toe uv t President's boot to Pollock's coat tails? We hev earned our places. We sent a yoonanlmus delegashn to Sheo go, wich wuz prepared to votei fur any one wich we thot cood be noml atid. All doorin the campane we fot for Cleveland and civil servis i form in the administrashen, ez men never fot afore. Kentucky wuz fur we don't allow niggers nor Northern carpet baggers to vote anyho and that we mite do suthin to make ashoorence doubly shoor we rals means to send brave, determined reformers over into Injeany and Oh where they voted ez maony times ez possible. Impecoonlus as I am, I oo tribbited to the sakred coz. I borrored $7 of an intoxlcatid Louiavl er uv puttin it down." My fucher course is not determined. At the present writin I hev my old bed at the Deekin's, much to Mirandy's disgust, and I hev my accus- tomed coi'nor in Bascom's. There is an occashunal commershal traveler oumin to the place, who invites me, and I manage to ring on sum uv the people wich hev sold a mule, and are reckliss, and so I shall git on. But every time I look aorost the street, and see Lubbock in that postoffls'the iron enters my sole, and life looks dark and dreery. ■ ^ PETROLEUM "V. NASBT, 3 (Free, but still in bonds.) MR. JSTASBY EECEIVES HIS APPOINTMENT. Confedrit X Roads, CWich is in the State uv Kentucky) Sept. 2'6; 1886. Halleloogy! The kentry Is saved. Last night my oomishn ez Postmas- ter at the Coufedrit X Roads, wich is in the State uv Kentucky, reached me, and the good ole Corners is saved the disgrace uv reseevin its male at the hands uv an disgustin nigger. My appintment wuz made in the interest uv Civil Servls Reform. His Eggslency the President held out a long time agin makin the change, but when it wuz represented to him that Lubbock, the nigger incumbent, hed held the place for ' , yeers, with a sllte outin when Johnson wuz Presi- dent, he felt it necessary that ther be a change, becoz in so long a, time he felt that ther must be reason for suspeotin suthin in the way uv cor- rupshen. Sed he to our Representative: "I don't know uv a Democrat wich cood hold a offls 25 yeers without steelln suthin, and I am not goin to admit that the Inferior Republikiti Afrikln is any better than the proud Democratic Cawcashan. My ex- perience teeches me that Lubbock must be a theef and sTiood be removed." Consekently I hev the place and a blessed cam rests upon the Cor- ners. Ther never wuz a more excitner time than when the nooze that « her reseeved my commishn got out in the Corners. The people poured out The Nasby Lettees. 495 masse, and Insisted that I shood enter to wunst upon dooties. I re- larkt to em that my bond hed yit to be made out afore I cood take pos- seshn, but they woodent beer to it. They organized into a, perceshn in front uv Bascom's, and, under the eggscitement uv the occashun, he giv Jfem all credit to a stiff drink. The perceshn wuz a. bootiful site. It wuz •headid by Deekin Pogram, who impervised a, banner, onto wich wuz writ- ten: "May the Internal Revenoo foUer the Post Offls in short metre." Next cum Issaker Gavitt with my comishn onto a pole, with the In- scripshen: "In this sine we oonkerV" and after that cum every Democrat in the Corners, and a. grate many Republikins. They poured into the offls and ^Itched Lubbock out neck and crop, and triumphantly installed ine in his place. I coodent understand the enthoosiasm wich the masses exhibited, for I hev never bin in the habit of cohsidrin myself a very popler man, but 1 wuz not kep long in the dark ez to the movin and impellin coz. It wuz not so much love for me, ez it wuz the fact that I OWE EVERY MAN IN THE CORNERS! * "Now," said wun uv the most noisy cheerers, "now that yoo hev got yoor place, for which we hev wated so long, uv course yoo will irnmejitly tpay me the ten dollars yoo borrered uv me, 20 long and dreery yeers ago. ! I am not going to play any Shylock onto yoo — I am going to be libral. I shel throw orf the interest, and take the original $10." "Toor kindnis I never shel forgit," I murmured. "Too kindly throw off the Intrest — now will yoo also SiDdly consent that I shel throw off the Tprinsiple? It is troo I don't do ez'hevy a job uv throwin off ez yoo do, but i J am ekal to it. "With sich an ekitable arrangement ez that, how eezy a f settlement between us becomes! Let us commence the throwin off biznis ! to wunst, and git onto a sound finanshel basis. Ef ther is enything that I hate it is debt, and I wood be releeved ez soon as possible." To my horrer, the onfeelin man utterly refoozed to do anything uv the kind, and when I sot back into my chare and asked him was he wuz goin to do about it, ther wuz sich a pandemonium broke loose ez it hez bin sel- dom my lot to witnis. Every man wich hed shoutid hisself hoarse in the j perceshn In honor of my appintnient cum forrerd with his bill and de- mandid Immejit payment. In vane I insisted that it wuz all wrong, that I had not drored a penny uv my salary ez yit, that they cooden't, expect to git any money till my first quarter wuz paid, and that even then all they cood expeck wood be an installment, as it woodent be fair to pay one and leeve the rest out, and that inezrauch ez the indebtednis wuz so large that the divi- dend eech wood receeve out uv the first quarter's salery wood be so small ez to do them no good, and ez in a lump it wood do me a power uv good, why a dividend at all? I sed all this to em, but it did no good. They howled for tlier money, and swore that ef I did not pony up, to-wunst, they wood tear me lim from lira. Genius stood me in good stead jist at this crifikle pint. A happy thought struck me. I riz and waved my hand over the eggscited multi- tood, and they sank back into silence. "Gentlemen," sed I, "I recognize your rite to be paid, and you shel be. paid." " 'Ror!" shreekt every wun uv em. "Silver and gold hev I nun, but sich ez I hev I give unto thee. I shel 496 TuE JNAhBr Jjetters. / pay you — never feer. I perpose to exeooot my notes to eech uv you, for the J amount I owe, prinsiple and interest. Now these notes are never to be paid, in tlis world." ' ' ^ "Wat good will they do us, then?" the infants in finance demaffdedi '^ "Wat g-ood? It will be yoor fault ef yoo don't make em jist ez good-'i ez anybody's money. Ef yoo will agree among yoorselves to recognize em ez cash, to take em in exchange for the produx uv the earth, jist the samesj ez yoo do any other paper money, they will anser the same purpus ez any ,; other money. All yoo hev to do, to mike a perfeck currency uv ein, is to continyoo to take em. The greenbax and nashnel bank currency is based upon the public debt — this currency will be based upon tny debts. Nay more, in order that the Corners, wich I love, shel hev an abundant ■ currency, I am willin to go deeper into debt. Ef any wun uv yoo liev a mule, or a wagin, or a gun, or a watch, or any other froperty, I will buy it and pay for it in ray notes, uv denominashens uv $1, $2 and $5, for con- venyence, and yoo yoose these notes Jist the same ez money. So long ez yoo take em, they go ez money and are money. Passin from hand to hand, industriously, they will, ez a matter uv course, wear out, and then , it ,_. will be my pleasin dooty to make out noo ones, wich I will do cheerfully.:' Uv course I can't pay interest on this paper, fur efl shood, any one uv yoo wich is able-bodied, and temperit, so ez to live long in the land, wood, - evenchooally, own the airth. But yoo see yoo .git yoor prinsiple, and any man wat gits his prinsiple uv me is dooln a mity hefty stroke uv bizriis." The skeem struck em favorably, and they made up a puss to buy a book uv blank notes, and I flUin em out and settled with all biit one, wich lingered after the rest hed departid satisfied. He wuz a very large : and ugly customer from over on Seceshn Crick, wich hed killed sevral ■ men with whom he had differed on trifiin matters. He waited till the rest hed departed, when he remarked to me, "Parson, onct when I wuz "very drunk, 20 yeers, ago I lent yoo $10. I wuz jist drunk enuff to lend it." "Why, O why," I moaned, "wurn't yoo drunk enuft to forgit it, ez well?" "I wuzn't. I hev supportid yoo for all sorts uv places that I mite git back that $10. I want it now, and I may ez well say to yoo that ef I don't git it within 5 minlts, yoo and I will differ in opinion ez to whether yoor jaw shood be broke or not." His keen, glitrin eye wuz onto me, and wat wuz I to do? Jist at that minit I heerd a letter drop into the box frum the outside. Saved ! Saved ! It wuz addrest to the Loozeaner Lottery Co., Noo Orleens. Wuz I agoin to permit any uv my constitooents to send money to that concern? Not any. With nervous fingers I tore it open. Hallelo'ogy! It contained jist $10. Hastily puttin the letter in my pocket, I handed Filkins the $10 note. "I alluz intended to pay yoo, Filkins," I remarked keer- lessly, "and I am glad you reminded me uv the little obligashen. Let's go and take suthin. I think now I hev credit at BaScom's." This wuz my first afflshel act ez Postmaster under the Civil Servis Rools uv His Bggslency, i^resident Cleveland. I don't know wat will be the upshot uv the zeel uv the populis in pitchin Lubbock out so summarily, but I don't think that the Adminls- trashn will object to any little thing like that. Anyhow I shel go on and do the dooties uv the'oflls. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Now Reely Postmaster.) i The Nasbt Lettees. 497 ME. NASBY HAPPY AND CONTENTED. Ckinfedrit X Roads, CWlch Is In the State uv Kentucky), November 1, 1886. I am abslootly happy and content. My cup uv bliss Is full and runnin over, and ther ain't nothin now lackln in this world to give me absloot peece uv mind. My commishn cum in doo time, Bascom, Deekin Pogram and f Kernel M'Pelter went onto my bond, and I am seooorly Installed ip the place I hev bin watin fur 24 yeers and over. I am now postmaster at the Corners, and my confidence in Cleveland ez a patriot and a Dlmocrat is restored. While I wuz watin, and watin, and nhopln, I may hev doubted him, but now, now that hope hez crystalized into reality, now that my faith is not the substance uv things not seen, but things that is tangible, I hev no more doubts. Groves Cleveland is to me a model President, and one of the saviors uv his kentry. I cood not be better fixed ef I hed my destiny to make to order. The room in wich the post-oiils is sltooatld is ez conveyent ez it cood be. IMte across the street is Bascom's and it only takes me a minit to cross to it, ' when we meet to save the kentry. Out uv wun winder I kin command a ' unobstructid vew uv the two other 'sloons we hev in the Corners, and to the rite, cut uv another winder M'Pelter's distillery looms up, the pleasant smoke givin ashoorence uv a unlimited supply uv llkker, assendin grace- fully to the heavens furever. Before me on a table is my bottle, half-full, ; and I sit serenely and contemplate it, with a cigar in my lips (I don't hev to smoke pipes any more), takin a sip therefrom ever and anon ez near ez iiacher calls. The people uv the CO'rners bein addictid to remittin money reglerly to the Lioozeaner lottery, I hev an endless flow uv money, tho the amounts IS not ez large ez I cood wish. However I capchered enuff yisterday to pay Basoc.m $10 on account, and that re-established confidence with him, and my credit at his bar is ez sound ez I cood wish. I shel pay him another in- stallment when I git my first quarter's salary, wieh will keep it on inde- finitely. Ez to the condu'ck uv the oflis, I am rvnuln it on the striktest possible drsnis to the civil servis reform rools. Our exslent President so directed me and I am observin his wishes, wich I do with pleasure, ez they are fully in akkord with my own noshuns. I very much desired to retane the old employees, but I coodent. No man kin be resi)onsible for a public oflis onless his subordinates are in akkord with him, and the old ones wuzn't. Fr'instance, the man wich took the males from the postoifis to the stashen at Seceshnville, wuz a wun-armed Fedrel soljer. I askt him to be a dele- gate to the Dimocratik congressional convenshun, and pledge hisself to euj)- port the nominee, wich he refoosed to do, remarkin in the most brootal manner that he'd see me d— d fust, and then he wooden't. Uv course I coodent stand any sich insubordinashen ez that, and orf went his hed, and I appintid in his place a, Confedrit soljer wich is in per- feck akkord with me and the admistrashen. The former Incumbent wuz of no earthly yoose to Bascom, he never asked me to take suthin and wuz payin for a house and lot out uv his salery. In short he wuz no Dimikrat,, and of course he hed to go. The noo man appintid is one uv us, and the mule he presentid me with, jist afore I appinted him, wich I sold fur $80, cum in mity handy Jist ez the winter wuz oomin on and I wantid sum hevy cloze. I hev a, overcoat now fur the fust time in 20 yeers. "498 The jnasby Ijetters. / My assistant wuz also a disabled Pedre' soljer, and I didn't dare tcyre-iij ! tane him becoz uv the differences in opinyun betwixt us, and also becoz, j Bascom demandid his hed, and the puttin of a brother-in-law uv his In; the place, wich I did for the improvement uv the servis. I wantid intelli- gence in the posishen. The noo assistant lays on my table all the letters ; wich he suspex uv contanin money. Ther ain't nothin like ciyil servis reform, and ez it is practised by the present administrashen I don't see how any Dimocrat kin objeck to it. The postmasters uv this seckshun hold a meetin next week, at my offls, to take an enoomerashen uv the route agents on the railroads in this seck-'^ shun. They are, ez ylt, mostly Kepublikins, and many uv em hev held ther places for 20 yeers. In the interest uv civil servis reform- we shel insist upon bouncin every blastid one uv em, and puttin good, substanshel Dlmocrats ther places, fust, that ,we may hev their assistance at the eleckshuns, and second, the whisky shops on the lines want ther salaries. We must hev the employes uv the government in akkord with me and the President, and how kin that be ef they are all Republikins? I believe in civil servis reform, pervided yoo tack onto the head and tale uv it that good old Demekratio war-cry, "To the Victors B'long the Spoils." Carry out that ijee, and I will endorse any set uv civil servis re- form resolooshens that kin be writtenand presentid. It is pleasant in one's old age, when one is in the sere and yeller leef, when sleepin in barns is injoodishus and skirmishin around close-lines for cleen linen at 12 at nlte in a dim it wich hez frost, it is pleasant I say at that time uv life, to be well fixed, to hev a comfortable bed, and un- limited credit at Bascom's, with everything conformin. Now that I kin pay, or promise to pay, with some pro speck that the promise will be carried out, I am wunst more a man uv inflooence at the Corners and lookt up to. Bascom is glad to see me and the citizens uv the Corners greet me heart- ily. Troo, too many uv em are present in bills at me but I kin put em off easily. I tell em to wait till I git my fust quarter's salery, and that quiets em. Uv course I shan't pay, then, but I hev three months immoonity from greef, anyhow. I am a, solid administrashen man, and Grover Cleve- land is my candidate in 1888. Proudly, PETROLEUM V. NASBT, P. M. (wich is Postmaster). P. S. — I hev made a list, myself, uv 28 route agents, all uv wich served In the' FedreJ army, wich will hev to go to make places for honest Dimo- crats wich served in the Confedracy, sevrel uv wich wuz John Morgan's trustid men, wich suffered into rade thro Ohio. We make these changes under the civil servis rools uv course. P. V. N. BASCOM DISCOUESBS ON LIQUOR SELLING. Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is In the State uv Kentucky,^ Orgust 1, 1886. I proposed to Bascom last nite that he take me into partnership, on the strength uv the applntment uv wi ch I am now ashoored, ez soon ez the President gits to it, sejestin that I nilte move the postoffls into his grosery and thus attrack a large trade. I als o sejested that I cood tend the bar while he wuz out, and, at all evence rtleeve him uv a great deel uv work by helpin myself when I wanted a refresher. To my surprise, Bascom declined to consider the proposlshen, remark- The ^asbt Letters. 'ii)9 In that he didn't think the trade wood stand two slch Industrious drinkers. In the course uv the conversashan Bascom rewarkt as follows : "Llkker-selUn looks like a mity profitable blznls, but it ain't alluz. It hez its .drorbax. Yoo see yer customers, don't live long enuff to make the biznis ez profitable ez it shood be. Jest ez yoo git a man fairly fixed io that he hez to hev hiz likker regler, he gits so that he went work, and consekently don't hev money to satUfy his appetite." That's the trubble. "Wat good to me is a man with a. healthy longin for stimulants, and with no money to pay for it ? Ef I cood find a likker wich wo 3d make a. man drink without destroy in his capassity for laber, it wood do, for then he cood earn money every day, and spend it every, nite in my bar, and it wood bo pleasant. But it don't work thiit way. Ef a man gits drunk Saturday nite and stays drunk all day Sunday, he Isn't wuth a straw for laber Monday, and ef he gits down to biznis by Thursday he I3 doing perty well. So, you see, half his time Is lost, and his capassity for payln for likker is curtaled by the very likker he drinks. This bustln a man's sistem by stimulants cuts me out uv a good 50 per cent uv wat there shood be in the blznls. "And then another trubble Is that every now and then a regler cus- tomer gits a foolish spasm, and goes and squanders a part uv his earnings on his wife and children. I see only yesterday the little girl uv one uv my bust customers go by In a noo calico dress and a, noo pair uv shoes wich I know he hed paid for, for he hezn't bin in my place for four days. And the money wich he pair for them sh oes and that caliker dress wood hev bin in my till by this time ef he hedn't squandered it in that onjustifiable v/ay. Wat rite hed he to do it ? Ki his little girl wanted noo shoes and a dress, why didn't his wife git the money by washin and sich ? I hate to see noo shoes and noo call'Ker dresses on the little gals uv my customers. It Is jist so much robbed from me. "And then the trubble we hev with likker don't end with this sort uv thing. When a man hez drunk too much he won't work. The appetite for likker ought to end with a man's capassity for payln for it, but it dcn't. He must hev it whether he works or not. And so he cums in and demands credit, and wat are yoo goln to do ? Ef yoo refoose him likker the poor devil mite git his stummiok heeled, and mite, possibly, come to a pint wher he wooden't want it all, v.Ich wood be rooinous. So yoo hev to give it to him on tick, to keep his stummick properly inflamed, so that when he does git to work he will cont inner to contrlbblt. Inasmuch ez wat he earns when he is at work comes to me anyhow, he never hez any sur- plus to pay off old scores, and the result is the loss uv wat yoo hev ad- vanced. A skore wunst run up alluz stays run up. "Another trubble with us is the fites wich Is Inseperable from likker. The breakin uv chares, and glasses, and sich, don't count, but when one uv yoor best customers gits his hed broken so he hez to stay In bed a week, and can't git to yoor bar at all, that Is hart-rendin. And when they git to shootin! I shel never forgit how I felt when I saw 'Lish Pogram, the Deekin's oldest son, curled up on this floor, with a hole thro his forehead, with Pete Gavitt, Issaker's oldest brother, a standln over him with his pistol smokln. 'Lish Pogram wuz ez ded ez a door nale, and he wuz wuth to me at leest $300 a yeer. And to finish up the disaster, thej' sent Pete to the penitentiary for life for a killin uv him, and ther went an- other $300 a year. Pete committed sooicide before he hed bin ther a yeer, 600 'J?HE it^ASBr jJETTEftS. / for he and 'Llsh hed alluz bin good trends, and klUin uv him when he ^uz drunk kinder preyed onto his mind. "However, I hev done well enuff, and don't kick. I hev a mortgage J onto most uv the farms hereabouts, which, while they don't pay Interest ' on their nates, It amounts to the same thing, as they spend all the money they make at' my bar anyhow. I hev a mortgage on their laber, that is, the laber uv their wives and children. "The reglers die too soon, but there Is the childern comin up, and that is a shoor resource. They clame the rite to go wher ther dads go, and they cum. They cum shoor. And ez their stumicks is fresh; for a few ; yeers they kin stand a great deel uv llkker, and still do a tollable day's work. It is a sad fact tliat yer old customers die off mityfast; but the young 'uns cum in to take ther places, and they sort o' keep the thing runnin. "But yoo'd never do fur the blznls, Parson, never. It requires, to keep a bar at the Corners, a. cool head, and absloot abstenance, till after the bar Is closed. Yoo want to know who to trust and who not; yoo want to know when to interfere in a flte, and when not, and yoo want, above all, not to drink up yoor cappytle yoorself. Yoo oood never do fur the biznis, never." Come to think on't, Bascom Is rite, and, further, I don't keer about it. I git all I need uv him on tick, and any more wood be sooperfloous. I am content. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, (Waitin). M-R. NASBY BNFOECmG CIVIL SERVICE EEFOEM. Postoffis, Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), . November 26, 1886. In pursuance uv my dootles ez politikle Inspector uv Fedrel offishold- ers, I went over to Noo Washington, in Caxlisle's deestrlk, to put a post- master there thro a course of sprouts on civil servis reform. He hed bin viola tin the civil servis rools by makln speeches doorin the late campane, and justly cum under the hed uv offensive partisanship in my opiuyun. However I wantid to be absolutely shoor uv my grounds, and so, disre- gardih roomers, I went to investigate him. I may say heer that he Is and alluz hez bin a Republlkin, wich wood hev bin bounced long ago, only ther happens to be no Dimocrat in the naberhood wich kin reed and rite, wich que 'Icashens seem to be necessary to beln postmaster. I found the man in the offis, sortin out the two letters and one noose- paper wich comes to that place. I asked him the necessary questions ez to his makin speeches doorin the campane, to wich, in the most brazin manner, he ansered that he did make speeches. I "Wuz they for or agin the admins trash en?" ''They wuz most ashooredly 'agin the admlnstrashen. I 'blonged to the 3d Kentucky, Fedrel regiment." (He emfasized the word "Fedrel," wich I notld down). "Kin yoo give me a report uv one uv yoor speeches?" "Certainly," sed he, "I hed it printed and cirkelatid all over the dees- trlk." I took a few copies and went back to the Corners and made my report to His Hi: 'mess, the President, in wich I sot forth that the culprit hed ^HE NaSBT llETTfiRS. 601 yoosed his offlshl poslshen, in pollytlx, that he hed made speeches twict a day with purely partisan intent, and tlmt under the civil servis rools he shood be to-wunst removed. I enclosed the speech that His Highness mite see for hisself. The President with a promptnis wlch cannot be too hily commended, sent him his walkin-papers the same day he reseeved my re- port, to wich the cuss had the impoodence to reply. He quoted from his highnesses gin era! order that every citizen had un- doubtedly the rite to be a citizen, and take part In polytickin, and that he hed dun nothin more. And then he went on to say: "Ef I am to be removed fur makin politikle speeches, why did yoo rein- state ole Nasby at the Corners, wich made more speeches nor I did, and besides speeches acted on a knockin down committee at the poles, and actilly committed assault and battery on every small Republlkin wlch of- fered to vote. Ef my offense is 'offensive partisanship,' wat wuz hizzen? Wat Is sass for the goose must be sass for the gander. Bz he wuz rein- etated, so I shood be." i The President's anser wuz the most conviiisin one I ever red. He sed: "It Is troo Mr. Nasby did make speeches, ez yoo did, and did knock flown and drag ou±, wich yoo didn't. But there Is a difference wich yoo will note. Mr. Nasby's speeches wuz all in favor uv the admlnlstrashen, and yoors-wuz all agin the admlnlstrashen. Mr. Nasby compared me, the hed uv the admlnlstrashen with Washinton and Jeffson — yoo spoke dispar- aginly uv me, characterizin me in one place, ef I remember rightly, ez a 'chump,' and sayin that I wuz the fust President wlch cood button his col- ler and slip it over his hed- To term me a chump and make remarks con- cernin the pyramidikle shape uv my hed is little short uv high treason, and I ain't shoor but yoo shood be arrestid and tried for it. "Mr. Nasby strove to make the people contentid with me. Too did yoor level best, to convince em they wantid suthin better. He endorsed me; yoo criticised me. His partisanship wuz not offensive — to me — ^yoors wuz. Them wich eats the bread and butter uv the admlnlstrashen must sup- port the admlnlstrashen. That's my ijee uv civil servis reform. "I trust yoo will cojnperhend the difference. Offensive ,partlsanshia Is aboosln me — to make speeches endorsin me is the highest form uv patri- otism wich I know uv. "Ef yoo hedn't referred to me at all, and confined your discushn to the tariff, ez Stone, uv Pennsylvany, did, f'rinstance, it wood hev bin Jist ez bad. To discuss anything without ringln me in, is to imply that 1 ain't wuth discussin. FedreP ofns-holders must discuss me, but they must do it in the rite way. I must be supported, and neither opposed or ig- nored. I must be treated ez a ishoo, a livln ishoo. "I cannot reinstate yoo. Ef I cannot find a Dimocrat who loves me, wich kin rede and rite, to fill the place, I shel direct the postmaster gen- eral, wich is not a offensive, partisan, to abolish the offis. It is better that the people shood do without mail facilities than to hev their faith in me upsot by fedrel oflas-holders." The offls wuz closed, and thus one stane on the President's scutcheon wuz wiped out. The Dimocrisy will hev more confidence in him when they cum to ^ow him better. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, P. M., (Wich is Postmaster), And Inspector uv Fedrel Offls-Holders. 502 The Nasby Letters. MR. NASBY'S VOICE IS FOR WAR. Postoffls, Confedrlt X Roads, ^vtS8 (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 5, 1887. "Ther is a Providence wich shapes our ends, ruff-hew em ez we may." It is a blessed thing- .that jist at the time wen ws, the Dimocrisy, need suthin to create a s.tir to Icivver wat we promist ta do, but hevn't dun, and likewise wat w© promLst not to do but sollumly hev dun, this codfish ques- tion comes up, and a war with Canady Is thretened. A brisk little war, suthin the size uv that with Mexico, wood be a. godsend to me and the President. It wood okkepy the attenshun uv the people, and take ther peercin and uncumfrable gaze offen us. For my part I shood prefer a war with Canady to one with any other kentry o» tlie globe, becoz I know all about Canady, I commenst the explorashen uv Canady immejitly after the hidjus goriller A. Linkin ordered the fust draft, in 1862. I wuz then a citizen uv Noo Jersey, wher I hed bin votin reglerly the Diraekratic tikkit with grate zeel and vigger ever sence I wuz 18 yeors old. It wuz a bizzy life I led eleckshun times. After votin ez many times ez I cood in my own state, it wuz hey for Noo York, on a fast trane, and ther I exercised my rites ez a freeman ez often ez the managers cood make yoose uv me. "When the draft wuz ordered I swore never to fite in a fratrlsidle strug- gle with the Dimocrisy uv the South, and seven uv us wich hed bin drord in the draft, left fur the West. The world will never know wat we suf- fered or the sacrifices we made. "We wuz headed off at Buffailo, and cpoodn't get across into Canady there. Pennilis and without meens, hevin by this time got weery uv bein dropped orf the hind end uv tranes by on- feelin conductors, we walked, abslootly wilked, all the way to Detroit. Ther we found ourselves blocked agin. The fer- ry wuz guarded, and besides W3 hedn't the five cents each nessary to pay our fares across. But the avenger uv blood wuz behind us. "We hed bin drord and the tyranikle government wuz after us. We went down the river a few miles and stole a boat, and in that frale bark, one tempeschus nite, we made our way across. The waves run mountain high, the thunder roared and the litenin flashed, and we wuz thretened with deth in the moat terrible form, but feelin that deth under the bloo- waters uv the Detroit river wuz pre- ferable to servin in a army uv hirelins agin our friends, we persevered. "Wat does it differ," we sed, "whether we perish here or in the South a few weeks later!" Surmountin all danger, we finally landed on Canajen soil, and wuz under the protectin keer uv the tale uv the British lion. We wuz safe from our pursuers, safe from the bloo-koted minyuns uv that fee.ad Linkin, and safe from tlie bullets uv our friends. I can't say that I liked the CanaJ ems'. They sympathised with !the South in a ginral way, but they didn't sympathise very much with draft eggsiles. They didn't co-mperhend the feelins wich animated lis, Wat we swore wuz patriotism they sot down to actooal cowardice. And then complaints immejitly went up about hen-roosts and cloze^ines and slch. We lived for a while tolerably well, but when the citizens met and appint- ed a poultry and cloze-line poleese, armed with shot-guns, the sitgoashen became serious, and we wuz compelled to go to work. The Nasby Letters. 503 Our conc3i&hn wuz not materially improved. "Wat difference is there between a, phot-gun in the hands uv a stalwart Canajen and a rifle in the hands uv a vishus Yank? And so we wuz compelled to go to work or starve, and as no Canajen wood give us employment, we wuz cumpelled to chop wood for a. niggtr wlch hed run away from ICentucky some yeers afore, wich remarkt, ez he looked us over, that he wuzn't ez pertlkeler ez the white Canajens, that he cood stand almost enythlng so he got his wood chopped. I flggered to git even with him, by loafln, but he wuz" too smart fur that. He announst that he paid by the cord, and measured thei wood his- self! Slch is the irony uv fate! Me a-workin fur a nigger, a-workin by the peece, and the nigger measurin the work at that. It wuz a bitter eggsperi- ence, but I survived It. I cood be yooseful to our forces In that part uv Canady ez a scout. In the yeer I lived ther I learned every by-road on wich farmers lived wich hed chickens and young pigs, and ez my recognoisances wuz alluz made after 11 p. m., I know the entire kentry, and kin go anywher in the dark- est nite. Slch informashen is invallyble to a army uv okkepashen, and ez slch a guide I shood volunteer, pervided the pay wuz sufHshent. I know, also, the locashen uv all the distilleries wher the famus Canajen malt whisky is made, and 1 know eggsackly where to go for the farmers wich hev the best cellars and smoke-houses. I know Canady very well, that is, the part across the river from Detroit. These reminiscences are some times sad and sometimes not so sad. I shudder when I think wat we went thro, but I feel better when I think uv the re-vard we hev flnelly attained. Every one uv the seven wich un- derwent all this suffrin to avoid the unholy and tiranikle draft is a liv- in to-day, and every one liv em, singler ez it may seem, is now a post mas- ter under his eggslency, Grover Cleveland. After 25 years uv deprivashen and suffrin, every wun uv us wuz ap- pointed to a livin oflHs, ez a tardy reward fur wat we suffered doorin the grate fratisidle strife. Hevin bin thus rewarded and it hevin bin demonstrated that a sym- pathizer with the Confedrasy hez rites under the government, it wood be ongrateful not to do in return wat is possible fur, the government. I shel volunteer myself, pervided a place sootable to my declinin yeers and in- creasln appetite is tendered me, and I am shoor the others will also on the same condishns. Bf the old-fashioned way uv makin war by sackin- towns and plunderin houses wuz in vogue, I wood go., without any con- dishne, for when it comes to liftin things, ef I can't take keer uv myself, why I am willin to die poor, but ez that hez gone out uv date, I must keer for myself otherwise. While I reely don't know wat it is about, I want war declared imme- jitly. My voice is fur war, for in these times uv commoshun nobody kin know who or wat is to rise to the top. My chances are ez good ez any- body's. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M., (Bloodthirsty). •WHY WE SHOULD GO TO WAR WITH MEXICO. PosfoiHs, Confedrit X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Feb. 14, 1887. I hev bin glvin this subjick uv war a great deel uv thot for the past two weeks, and hev experenced a change uv hart onto It. I hev come 604 The NAtSY Lettees. li to the conclooshun that the Dimocrisy want a war and want one bad. We want a war on the same prinsiple that when a Cross Roader hez fever and ager he don't mind the biles he hez onto him. Jes so! Ef we kin git into a, war the kentry will forgit the sins uv omishn and comishn we otherwise shel hev to akkourit for. We want a war fur other reesons. In civil life ther aint enufE offloea to go around, and a army, no matter how small, must hev a full comple- ment of ofHsers. Ther are hundreds uv thousands uv conshienshus Dlmbcrats this minit beseegin His Eggslency for places wich they hev bin watin fur, lo these 25 yeers, wich he hezn't got to satisfy em. Too can't put ten men into one place, no matter how much work they did In '84, nor kin yoo go to work and create nine more civil ofHsis, fur them wich must be left. A healthy war wood solve this dellkit problem. How gladly wood nine applicanee fur a given ofHs turn it over to wun, and take sutlershlps, quartermasterships and commissaryships in the army in lew thereof? How many uv these wood be satisfiea to be Brigadeers? Uv course the people wood howl that the purely military ofRses shood be filled by Fedrel vet- rans uv the late war, who knowd suthin, but that wood be impossible. They are mostly Republikins, and we cood apptnt enuff Conffedrits to these offices to furnish the experience. With an army uv 20,000 men, I meen rank and file, I think that me and the President cood furnish 20,-. 000 hungry Dimocrats with places, besides an ekal number that It wood give us the basis to stand off with promises. Oh, wat a releef that wood be to His Eggslency! Wat bliss it wood be to hev 40,000 hungry Dimocrats entirely satisfied! While I want a war, I don't want it with Canady. The Canajens hev a good skool system, and are not the kind uv people to make Dimocrats uv. They are largely Scotch Presbyterians, they are, ez a rool, sober, church-goin people, and they hev no espeshl love fur the controUin prin- siples uv the Dimocrisy. Troo, slavery is ded, but the flaver uv it re- manes, and a Canajen wood fite shy uv any fackshen wich hed the smell uv it onto his garmence. Then they don't carve each other with knives, or perforate each either with pistol balls, and altogether they ain't a cus- sld bit shivelrus, and wpodent affiliate with us. A Scotch, Irish or Eng- lish Cajiajen wood not be comfortable in a Dlmocratic convenshun. I very much feer that Canady, shood she be annexed, wood cut up into a skore uv Republican states, and that it wood be a damage to us iustid uv a. benefit. But there's Mexico! There's fatnls! There's a populashen that wood jist soot us. They don't hev any eddicashen, any morals, ez we count morals, or anything else, ceptin untold wealth, and we want wealth mor'n we do morals. They knife each other at fandangoes, they drink like fish, and ez the rank and file uv the people are ignorant they cood be led ez easily ez we cood wish. , Then, again, the Canajens wood want to fill all the offlses therselves, l>ecoz they are uv a stubborn nacher and woodent brook hevln otitsiders cum in and take all them places. They speak English and are uv the same race as us-uns. But it's quite dlffirent with the Mexicans. We shood to-wunst bargin with their leaders, wich wood hev to be provided for, and the offlses they didn't want we shood fill ourselves. Wat a vishn opens to my vew! Wat — well, give me a place in Mexico and see if ever I stane my hands with the labor uv borrerin a dollar agin. The Nasby Letters. 505 When men go for gain, thej' dig down, not up. Gold is downward, and so Is coal oil and fish. These elemence uv wealth is not in the clouds. Wicked men look downward— at H.ilelloojy meetins the ecstatic sole wleh hez bin Justified looks.upward with rapcher. The wicked man is look- in for gane, wich is Incompatible with goodnls. We are after gane, con- sekently we want Mexico, wich to us is downward, and not Canady, wich is upward. , My choice is fur a war, not with Canady, but with Mexico. To Mex- ico I turn my lurid and warlike face. PETROL4EUM V. NASBT, P. M. THE NECESSAEIBS OF LIFE. Postofflce, Confedrlt X Roads, (Wich is in the State uv Kentucky), Aug. 12, 1887. In a recent copy uv a Dimlcratlo Looisvllle paper, Deekin Pogram, wich hed a cousin wich cood read at his house, found a artikle wich de- manded the immejit repeel uv all taxes onto the "necessities uv lite," and wich stated that them wuz the sentimence uv the President and must be made a part and parsel uv Dimocrisy, and that we must go into the next campane with that ez our rallying cry. The Deekin riz up and reraarkt to his cousin, "Wat do I hear? Repeel the taxes on the necessaries uv life, so ez to redoose ther cost to the ppprest i>eople! That is suthin like!" And he rusht dorwn to the village, and without consultin me, or eny- bpdy else, immejitly tooted the horn fur a meetin at the meetin-house, to ashoor the President uv the sympathy uv the Dimocrisy uv the Cor- ners in this movement, anyhow. I hurried over to the meetln-house ez soon ez I heerd uv it, and found it packed" witii the Dimocrisy, all uv wich wuz in a state uv jubilashen at the prospeck the Deekin held out to em. I forgive the innocent old saint for hevin called the meetin without consultin me. and immejitly assoomed the cheer, that it miite .be legle. I red the artikle to the assemblage, and various commence wuz made onto it. Deekin Pogram remarkt that the President and the party behind him, in takin a, bold stand to remove all taxes upon the necessaries uv life, hed showd ther devoshun to the reel interests uv the people. The in- ternal revenoo tax onto whisky wuz a outrage upon the Dimocrisy wich deserved the reprobashen uv every citijen uv the Cross Roads. It wuz that infernal tax wich kep the price per drink up to ten cents, when, in, the resent prices for crops, five wuz all that shood be exacted. (Entlioo- siastic cheerin.) With that tax removed, likker cood be retailed at five cents, and plug tobacker could be sold at half the price now demanded'. (More enthusiastic cheerin.) Issaker Gavitt sed that the effeck uv this nessary legislachen wood be far-reechin. With lik-ker redoosed acrost the bar to fiv,e cents, the citi- zens uv the Cross Roads mite do either save some money or he cood drink twict ez much ez he does now. In either case it wood be a sweet boon. Likker a nlckle! He hed never hoped to git back to them halcyon days agin! ' Joe Bigler remarkt that he quite agreed with the meetin In takin the tax, whether to be a tariff or internal revenoo, often the nessaries uv life, but «iat we hed made a sllte mistake ez to the President's ijee ez to wat wuz the nessaries uv life. 1 06 'The Kasby LETTEiid. "Why, wat cood it be but likker and terbacker?" murmured the Deekln;:^ "Wat they meen by the nessariej uv life," replied the feend Bigler, I "Is sich things ez sugar, coffee, cloths uv all kinds, and sich things." " "The merry hell they do!" exclamed Issaker Gavitt, "Is them things ■vcat they call nessaries?" "I can't bleeve it," sed the good old Deekin, turnin pale. "I kin git along without sugar, tho I occashunally take a little in mine; and ez for them artikles, they cost me nothin in comparison with my likker and ter- backer. I kin git on with next to nothin in the way uv- cloze, but my reg- .; ler sustaners I alluz hev hed and alluz must hev. This is a crooel disa- pintment. Is the tax to stay on likker?" Josef replied sayin that the President wuz in ondoubtedly In favor uv retainin the tax onto likker, and removin it from the other articles men- shund. "It wuz," he sed, "a gross injuslis to the Dimocrisy of the Corners, i for his frend Pollock, the store-keeper, cood testify that Bascom, with the single article uv likker, did fifty times the biznis that he did, wich delt in ginral goods. The females and children uv the Comers wuz accustomed to goin without cloze and shoes and sich, the tea and coffee markit lan- guished, but the perceshun into Baseom's wuz unendin. It wuz Bascom wlch hed mortgages onto all the farms, not Pollock. Wat good wuz it for the Dimocratic party to remove the tax from the articles wich the Dimocrisy uv the Corners never yoosed and retane it onto ther staples?" -; I never saw the Dimocrisy so terribly eggscited in my life. The pros- . peck uv flve-oent likker, wich glittered afore ther eyes for a minit, hed dazzled em, and to hev It extinguished in gloom wuz too severe a re- vulshen. J After more profanity than I hed herd for a. age, they passed this res- olooshen: Wareas, We sposed v/hen we heerd that the party wuz to adopt the polisy uv removin taxes from the nessaries uv life the party hed some no- shun ez to wat a Kentucky neesity wuz; and Wareas, Instid uv takln the tax off likker andr terbacker, wich we do yoose, it is proposed to take it off close and spices and sich, wich we don't keer a d— n about, hevin no yoose for sich; therefore be it Resolved, That the tax on likker and the simler tax onto terbacker, keepin up the retale price uv likker to ten cents a drink, and watered at that, is a outrage agin wich the Dimocrisy 'uv the Comers protest. Resolved, That the Dimocratic party ain't a Methodis church by a d — n site, and that it shood legislate for its people ez it finds em; that to re- move t'ne tax from cloths, caliker, shoes, sugar, spices and sich, and retain it on likker is to legislate for the niggers over at Libertyville, and to fas- ten the burdens uv the government entirely on us, wich we won't stand. Resolved, That a copy uv these resolooshens be sent to Grover Cleve- land and our member uv Congris, with the rekest that they be heeded. The meeiin then adjourned to Baseom's, where the dlscushn wuz con- tinyood till late into the nite. I must say I sympathise with the citizens uv the Corners. Ther ain't no dispootin the fact that ten dollars is spent for likker and terbacker here wher one is for the calico and other artikles off uv wich the tax is perposed to be taken. Now that I am payin cash for my likker, I shood like to see it redoost to flvel cents per drink, ez it wood give me twice the Quantity, or enable me to save a part uv my salary. When I hed It charged tho price made no difference, but now it does. I am williii that this shood be made a, ishoo. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, P. M., (Wich is, cash payin postmaster). i^rrL }^juj<^. THE LAST TWO lASBY LETTERS. MR. NASBY DISCOUESBS ON THE TAEIFP. Confedrit X RoarlS, (Wich Is in the State uv Kentucky), December 12, 18S7. Tlsterday I reseeved the foUerin dispatch: « WasMn^on, Dec. 11, 1S87. To the P. M. at the Cross Koads: In the Inti-est uv civil servis reform, the appointees uv the President are ex- pectid to see that his utterances are eniiorsed. See to this p. d. q. LAJIOMT. A winlc is ez good ez a nod to a. blind hoss, and I immejitly called a meetin uv the Diinocrisy at the old meetln house, and then set to worli reedin the message uv his eg-gslency, and studyin the pints wich I wanted to elabora.te. I alluz lilte to be prepared so ez to be effective. I liate goin off half-coclced. The pint wich struck me witli the greatest force wuz the assershun that the present inikitus tariff forst the opprest and sufferin people to pay ^ f or goods above wat they shood, jist the amount uv the tariff levied, wich levy went to bild up oppressive monopolies; wich is to say, that on every dollar's wuth uv English goods wich we hot we paid, addishnel to the dollar, forty or watever per cent the inikitus tariff imposed. Ef it was forty per cent, we paid for the dollar's wuth $1.40, and ef fifty per cent, a dollar and a, half, and so on. Ez I teech best by illustrashen, the minit I got this fact fixed in my mind I perceded to arrange my illustrashe.i. I hev bustid, afore now, by not bein fully prepared. I closed up the office and stepped out to Bascom's to get a nip to stiddy my mind, wich I took, payin him for it. I am payin cash half the time I for my drinks now, and actilly payin suthin (ez little ez possible) on old) account. Steppin out into the street, who shood I see comin out uv Op^ penheimer's clothin store but" Sim Gavitt, a, nigger wich belonged to Squire Gavitt afore he wuz robbed uv him by Linkin, and wich hez the, ■gineral cast uv the Gavitt feechers, so much so ez to perdooa a coolnis ben twixt the old Squire and his wife, yeers ago. Sim wuz drest from top tO' -toe in a entire noo soot uv cloze, hevin his old ones done up In a paper wiclii he kerried in his hand. A ijee struck me to-wunst. "Sim," sed I,' "wood a dollar Indoose yoo to cum to a meetin to-nite,' and wear them cloze?" "Is yoo to epeak?" he asked. "Sartin," sed I. "A dollar's purty cheep— malse it a dollar 'n 'alf and It's a, go," 509 510 'The Nasby Iietters. * "An yoo will git up and come forrerd and be talked at when I calli yoo?" "Yes." "It's a go. Be on hand early, and ware them doze." "All rite, boss." The evenin come, the horn wuz tooted, and the Dlmocrisy filed out uv Bascom's, and filled the house to overflowiu. I red the message to em, and seezin upon the central ijee uv it, that the consoomer wuz taxed to fill the pockits uv the bloatid manoofactoorer, worked em up to a lit uv despera- shen, wich wuz singler, ez the cloze on the entire seckshun uv the Dira- ekratic party in that meetin-house woodent hev inviced at that minit fifty dollars. However, I hev notist that the man whose sole possession is a, yaller dog, and whose wife takes in washin to support him, is the hef- tiest complaner uv the burdens uv taxashen. I myself hev done suthin toward settlin the nashnel debt. The time fur my illustrashen wich wuz to clench things hed come. "I wish to make a. practicle illustrashen," I sed. "I see Simeon Gavitt in tha awjence, with a noo soot uv cloze on. Will Simeon step forrerd?" Sim walked up, rather embarrassed at bein the best drest man in tha room. . "Yoo notis this soot uv cloze, my friends. I ain't jist shoor wat the tariff is on woolen goods, buttons, thred and sich, but I will presoom that it averages sixty per cent. JDstimatia the home valyoo uv the goods at say $20, my friend Simeon wuz compelled to add to that $12, wich hez run up the cost uv the cloze, makln and all, to suthin like $32, the difference be- tween the cost to him under the present Infamus system and wat it wood be ef that soot hed bin admitted free of dooty, bein " "Praps dat's so boss," spoke up the cussld nigger, "de tariff, ez yoo call it, may hev cost me all dat, but de fack is I only paid $10.50 fur de entire outfit!" "Wat!" ejackllatid I. "Dot is de cold fact in de case," piped up Oppenhelmer, who wuz sit- tin in the awjence. "De droubles mit yoo is, dot soot don't happen toi be English goots. It's mostly Yank. Da wool wuz growd in Ohio, the linins wuz made in Connecticut, the thread in Massychoosits, the buttons in Philadelphy, dose masheens on wich dey vos mate vos mate In Connecti- cut oof Penrsylvany steel, and the cloze wuz made in Cincinnati by mine brud(Jer-ln-law, and solt by me to Simon. It's Yank all uv de way from . de sheep's back to the man wat he^ em on, and de goots is better goots dan effer vas mate in England. I hev a store full uv em, at de same price — for cash." "Wat!" I shrieked, "ain't them English goods?" "Nod a bit oof it. We don't buy English goots no more. Gombes dihsen at home Ish altogedder too strong." ■ "Yoo kin sit down," I remarkt to Simon. "Ther seems to be suthin wrong in this somewhere. Opprest by the tariff, and buyin a soot uv cloze for $10.50!" I bustid this time by bein too well prepared. But I rose ekal to the emergency. I alluz do. "My Democratic friends," I remarked, "the fault in this matter isn't with the President or me. The trouble is that Simeon Gavitt wood go and buy Amerikin goods instid uv English, and ther Jiein no dooty at all on Amerikin goods, it appears they come cheaper. It hez the appearance, The i^ASBY Letters '511 this tariff, uv al sort o' barrin) out uv furrin goods, and makin sloh ez we yoose here to home. I coodent be expectid to know that, ez I hevn't paidj for any cloze sence Androo Jonso'n's time, and consekently wuz never pertikeler ez to the price. But It doesn't alter the prlnslple. We want English g-oods, it appears, and we don't want Amerikln goods, and our veneratid hed hez so declared. Wat is our bounden dooty, then, ez Dimo- crats? Ef he sez we are robbed we must be robbed. Therefore every! good Dimocrat will buy English goods and pay the infamus dooty on emj and groan under the tyranny uv monopoly. Then the Iron will enter hisj sole, and he will rise In his mile, et catry. "I know his eggslency is rite, for every paper in England approves' uvhls message. Ef ther wuz ez much yoonanimity this side uv the water! In approvln his vews that ther Is on tother, it wood be clean sailin. In! consekenee uv the barrin out uv English goods from Amerlky, the En-| glish operatives and capitalists hev bin sufEerin fer yeers. Ip the interest' uv broad hoomanity we want to transfer that sufferin to Amerlky. We want to let down the bars and let furrin goods flood In, for EnglariB sez we do, and English manoofactoorers are willin to pay librelly for hevin it done." _ • I hev got to study up this matter uv free trade and tariff, for my ■ fust essay don't seem to be entirely satisfactory. Ther must be some reezen for free trade, tho I hevn't jlst struck it ez yit. PETROLEUM V. NASBT, P. M., And fur free trade and sailers' rite-s. MR. NASBY'S PLAIST OF EEDUCING THE SURPLUS. Confedrit X Roads, CWich Is in the State uv Kentucky), December 29, 1887. We hev a. bein in the Cross Roads, wich his name Is Gogsby, wich is our only Mugwump, thank Heaven. Gogsby is wun uv them men wich wuz born with a bilei under the seet of ther trowsis, wich a, cold world is con- stantly runnln aginst, makln uv em oneasy, perpetooally, ez a candidate jist afore eleckshun. He wuz u. Republikin, wich is to say he votid foe the hirelin Linkln, in 1860, becoz uv corruphen in the Democratic party, and hez. bin votin the Democratic ticket half the time sence, to poorify the Republikin party. He is wun uv them reformers wich belong to wun par- ty and alluz votes with the other. H3 leaves his party to purify it, wich sich fellers alluz do jlst to the extent uv their glttin out. I knowd he wood vote for Cleveland, and I knowd ther wood be no peece till he got a. offis. Gogsby hed heerd that I wuz to b3 allowd a, depitty, and he lost no time in puttin in a appllcashen for the posishen. He sot up a clame that he hed bin uv material assistance in the eleckshun uv Cleveland, and i-nder the civil servis rools he wuz entitled to the place. "I mite," sed he, "hev lade clame to the postoffis Itself with perfeck propriety, but I rec- ognized yoor sooperior clames to the place, and am content with a subor- dinate posishen. "yoo hev the apple — I am entitled, at leest, to the core." I answered Gogsby by relatin a anecdote. I wunst saw two boys strug- gling over a. apple wich hed escaped from a farmer's wagon. The biggest' boy thrust the littlest aside, and capcherd the prize, when the little wun) whined, "Well, Jim, yoo hev the apple — at leest yoo'U give me the core." "Samyooel." sed the big boy, drivin a magnificent set uv teeth strata 512 f HK ISTa ET . TT s. thro the center uv the froot, "I d^^ t think ther ain't agoin to he any core.' "Ef I am permitted the sweet boon uv a deppitty, I see no reason why I shoodent put a name on the salary list, and dror that salery myself. The surplus wood be redoosed that way ez fast ez any other, woodent It?" Mr- Gogsby will not git the depi Ityship, ef I know myself, any more than the Mugwumps git sich things n the Bast. Each indivijjile Mug- wump kerried wat wuz under his own hat, and we ain't payln for sich slite servises. Ruther give us Barney MtGinnls with his gin mills in the lower wards. He actilly controles votes, and is entitled to offishl boodle. Besides all this, our throats' hez bin so stretched by the long years uv expectancy that I ruther think the apples wich we hev picked up will, slide down, cores and all, without the core bein noiticed or lespeshly distin- guished. I know mine wood, ef my apple wuz all core. Speekin uv the surplus in the Trezury, wich is worryin the minds uV statesmen jist now, I see no okkashvn for any worry at aJl. Go on and' fix up the tariff ez yoo want it, without reference to surplus. A surplus' Is wat I want_ to tackle. I never tackled a surplus in my life. Ez a rool, the Dimocratic moonlcipalities Into wich I hev lived generally enjoyed con- cave treashuries. Deficiencies I hew encountered a plenty, but never a surplus. Now wat do we want to do? Cleerly a surplus isn't DImekratic, and must be got rid uv. It's eezy enuff. Raise the salaries uv all postoffises, and uv all offlshls uv ever3' class.'j Increase the number uv deppltties, and don't be too pertikeler in audillnj akkounts. Inoggerate a system uv improvements in the Impoverished South, whei; the Dimocratic party mostly Is- Sla k- water Seceshn Crik, and fence it ir^ so that cattle may not impede naviga hen by drinkin the water held in ren serve. Dot the South with cnstom-l ouses and postofRses, and see tha^ only Dimekrats uv good standin git contrax. Pay oft Southern clames for war damages, and likewise penshun Suthern soljers the same as Northern, alluz datin penshuns back to the 'date uv volunteerin or bein drafted. Ther are other ways uv reduck- shen, but this is my Ijee in glneral. I am entirely satisfied that cf the kentry will keep us in power four years more ther will be no okkasion fur komment as to any surplus. It will melt gradually, nay, rapidly. I wonder that there is a dollar in the treshry now, but it must be remembered that we hevn't got controle uv the Sennit yit. Can't we be trusted with a sur; lus? Wuz there any surplus in the treasury In 1861, when we turned over the kentry to Linkin? Redoosin sur- plus comes naterally to us. It's our best holt. Bascom remarked that he keered nuthin for the return uv the South- ern flags, ez that wuz a peece uv se tiraent; but to increase my salery, wich he got anyhow, wuz suthln prt oticle. He wuz in favor uv that way uv redoosin the surplus. I don't think ther is any oocasi; n fur worryin about it just now. PETROLEUM V. NASBY, (Wloh Is Postmaster and likewise Surplus Redooser), [the END.j