CORNELL 
 
 UNIVERSITY 
 
 LIBRARY 
 
 FROM THE 
 
 ALUMNI FUND 
 
 THROUGH THE 
 CORNELLIAN COUNCIL 
 
Cornell University Library 
 PS 3545.A41412P5 1921 
 
 ..Portmanteau adaptations. 
 
 3 1924 021 715 697 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
 The original of this book is in 
 the Cornell University Library. 
 
 There are no known copyright restrictions in 
 the United States on the use of the text. 
 
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PORTMANTEAU 
 ADAPTATIONS 
 
 By 
 
 STUART WALKER 
 
 Author of Portmanteau Plays and More Portmanteau Playa 
 Edited, and with an introduction by 
 
 EDWARD HALE BIERSTADT 
 
 ILLUSTRATED 
 
 CINCINNATI 
 STEWART KIDD COMPANY 
 
 PUBLISHERS 
 
Copyright, 1921 
 STEWART KIDD COMPANY 
 
 All Rights Reserved 
 Copyrighted in England 
 
 All dramatic rights 
 reserved by Stuart Walker 
 
 Permission to perform these plays must be obtained from 
 Stuart Walker, 304 Carnegie Hall, New York City. 
 
 First Printing, November, 1921 
 
 ^1^7/ ^^7 
 
 Printed in the United States of America 
 
CONTENTS 
 
 Page 
 
 Introduction, - _ _ _ y 
 
 Gammer Gurton's Needle, - - - 31 
 
 The Birthday of the Infanta, - -113 
 Sir David Wears a Crown, - - _ 141 
 
 Nellijumbo, 185 
 
 Appendix, -___._ 225 
 
ILLUSTRATIONS 
 
 Facing page 
 Scene from "Gammer" Gurton, - Frontispiece 
 
 Hodge and Diccon, - 48 
 
 The Infanta of Spain, the Chamberlain, and 
 THE Duchess, - 120 
 
 The Duchess of Albuquerque, 136 
 
 The King, the Queen, and Sir David, - 152 
 
 Sir David and His Mother, - 152 
 
 The Soldiery and the Population, 176 
 
 The King's Great Aunt and the King's Coun- 
 cillor, . - - - - 176 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 I 
 
 "What's in a name?" asked Juliet, and truly 
 the reader of this book may well make the same 
 query, for of the four plays contained in it only 
 two can be considered in any wise as adaptations, 
 and about one of those I am rather doubtful. 
 However, the plan for the Portmanteau series, 
 made three years ago, included this title, and as 
 the book has been announced for many months 
 past as Portmanteau Adaptations it was thought 
 unwise to make a change at the last moment. 
 Therefore, the book and I who named it, both ask 
 forgiveness if we have deceived. Our intent was 
 innocent, and, to complete the quotation with 
 which we began this apologia, "That which we 
 call a rose by any other name would smell as 
 sweet." 
 
 The Portmanteau Theater with its plays was 
 born in New York City, and in the past I have 
 usually spoken of it largely in connection with 
 New York. This I can no longer do, for Mr. 
 Walker's great success in repertory in Indian- 
 apolis has meant in effect a change in head- 
 quarters. It was inevitable that this should be 
 so. Broadway is a good thing to come back to, 
 but to remain there means either surrender, 
 bankruptcy, or stagnation. Repertory on Broad- 
 
 7 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 way died with Augustin Daly, and though the 
 Portmanteau, like a raider on the flanks of an 
 army, has more than once dashed in and given ?. 
 telling blow in the shape of a success it would 
 be unwise to invite a pitched battle. There 
 would be nothing to gain and everything to lose. 
 Personally ' I have for years looked toward the 
 middle west, or as Indianapolis would doubtless 
 say, the middle east, for that revitalization in 
 point of view which we all realize is so essential 
 to the success of any art in America. And this 
 in spite of Main Street. For Main Street is 
 really no more typical of America than a sore 
 toe is typical of the man who happens to have 
 one. The Earth was born of Chaos; Christ came 
 out of Nazareth; and there are more things in 
 Main Street than are dreamt of in the philosophy 
 of Mr. Sinclair Lewis. For five summer seasons 
 the Stuart Walker Company has proved that 
 Indianapolis has a large and appreciative theater 
 going population, a population that likes new 
 things done in a new way as well as old things. 
 During the season of 1921 the Stuart Walker 
 Company passed its six-hundredth performance 
 in Indianapolis. There are several unique points 
 about this company which should be noted. 
 It is the only company of the kind that has ever 
 gone intact from its home city (Indianapolis) 
 into New York and Chicago using the same 
 actors, lighting, and scenery. The company 
 does not depend upon the personality of one or 
 two people for its success. It is well rounded. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 The productions are immensely even; one does 
 not find a star supported by a dummy caste. 
 If there is no one in the company who fits exactly 
 into a part, some one is brought in from outside, 
 but this happens very rarely. In its first five 
 years the company has given over seventy-one 
 plays of which about thirty-four were seen for 
 the first time in the home city, and of which 
 fifteen were premieres. This is truly a remark- 
 able record; six hundred performances, seventy- 
 one plays, fifteen premieres. I do not know of a 
 single company in America to-day that can equal 
 it. Also, and this is of no small importance, the 
 prices of the company this last season were exactly 
 half those of the regular winter prices. Here 
 then is a company, well balanced, well trained, 
 adequate in every way, and playing excellent 
 repertory at half-price, and at a profit. And they 
 tell us that repertory will not pay in America! 
 Truly it will not pay when it is so calculated as 
 to please only one type of person, and that one 
 the smallest part of the public. The partial 
 repertory of the Stuart Walker Company is 
 listed in the appendix to this volume, and the 
 attention of the reader is particularly invited to 
 it, for it is deftly composed. It is psychologically 
 sound. It ranges from Dunsany to Harry James 
 Smith, and from Echegaray to Eugene Walter. 
 Very evidently there is something here to please 
 every one. And too there is an obvious effort 
 to choose the best in each type of play. There 
 is nothing haphazard, nothing left to chance. 
 
 9 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 Likewise a repertory company will not succeed 
 when it is made up either of a collection of stars 
 with whatever-can-be-dragged-in for support or 
 when there is one star and the rest of the company 
 is composed of odds and ends. Both of these 
 things have happened, and both of them have 
 failed. There is no Duse or Coquelin in the 
 Stuart Walker Company, and it is not even de- 
 sirable that there should be. The balance would 
 be destroyed at once. But, instead of this, there 
 are, to mention only a few, Blanche Yurka, 
 Elizabeth Patterson, Beatrice Maude, McKay 
 Morris, Regina Wallace, George Gaul, Tom Pow- 
 ers, Margaret Mower, and Peggy Wood. When we 
 speak of evenness on the American stage we are 
 more than apt to mean mediocrity, but in this 
 instance we have an evenness of excellence, a 
 company perfectly able to handle the romantic 
 play, the realistic, the poetic drama or anything 
 indeed that it is called upon to do, and handle 
 it proficiently. There can be nothing slipshod 
 here. The result is the most successful repertory 
 company in the country. When the lesson has 
 been thoroughly learned and digested we may 
 have more of them. In my opinion, however, 
 two unusual attributes possessed by Mr. Walker 
 himself have strongly militated toward his success. 
 He can see potentialities which are buried, and 
 he can bring them out and develop them. In 
 Portmanteau Plays I spoke of one of Mr. Walker's 
 first productions at the end of which a Broadway 
 manager asked him where on earth he had been 
 
 lO 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 able to get his company, so many comparatively 
 unknown actors doing such unusually good work. 
 Mr. Walker's reply, "I got six of them out of your 
 companies," tells the story. He saw, where the 
 other manager could not, that here were six 
 people who could really act if they were given 
 the chance instead of being buried in walking 
 parts. He took them, trained them or rather 
 helped them to train themselves, gave them 
 the opportunity to develop their capacities, and 
 they are unknown no longer. If Mr. Walker 
 ever decides to start a school of acting it will 
 be well worth going to. Naturally all this has 
 helped. The work has been done by a man who 
 has a great instinct for the stage, not by one who- 
 regards the stage merely as a means of making 
 money, as one might think of a fish market for 
 instance. It is vitally necessary that a producer, 
 a director, a regiseur have this instinct. It does 
 not require ^. flair to sell fish, but to put on plays 
 does require a certain intuitive knowledge of the 
 theater. A great deal can be learned, but 
 the most important thing of all cannot be. Taste 
 is inbred or else merely superficial. The fact 
 that Mr. Walker has both this instinctive taste 
 and knowledge has not only helped very largely 
 toward his success, but has likewise saved him 
 some thousands of dollars in the doing. I can 
 recall especially three plays, one of which cost 
 $1,500 to stage, one #52, and one nothing at all. 
 They all succeeded. But this sort of thing can- 
 not be indulged .in indiscriminately; one must 
 
 II 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 know absolutely when to spend money and when 
 not to. 
 
 From the foregoing it will be plain, if it is not 
 so already, that the repertory theater will not 
 only result in raising the standard of plays pro- 
 duced, but will also raise the standard of pro- 
 duction. Perhaps the most important single 
 factor in repertory is the amount of experimental 
 work that is possible. A play intended for a long 
 run can seldom afford to be an experiment: the 
 financial risk is too great. But in the repertory 
 theater all things are possible. It becomes at 
 once the place where plays, actors, scehery, new 
 modes of staging and whatever is likely to be of 
 interest is tried out. By its very nature it can 
 afford to be progressive; the ordinary theater 
 cannot in most instances. It has all it can do 
 to hold its own without taking unnecessary 
 chances. The "little theater" has done much 
 for us along these lines, but its pubHc is small 
 for the most part, and the range of its activity 
 strictly limited. There is one more possibility 
 likewise that I should like to recall now that we 
 are on the subject both of the Portmanteau and 
 of repertory, to which I referred in my intro- 
 duction to More Portmanteau Plays. The Stuart 
 Walker Company is safely established in a large 
 city situated geographically in a more or less 
 central position where the company has met with 
 emphatic success. Why not make the portable 
 Portmanteau Theater corelative to this repertory 
 company? In this event any play which had 
 
 12 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 made a decided hit in the home city could be 
 added to the repertory of the Portmanteau which 
 could then be sent out in flying tours throughout 
 the country. All the old arguments in favor of the 
 Portmanteau would be just as pertinent as ever. 
 It could go anywhere and play anywhere. For 
 the small towns throughout the rural districts 
 it would be a god-send. These places cannot 
 afford to support a theater of their own; in many 
 instances they have not even a town hall in which 
 to house the itinerant company. But the Port- 
 manteau can be set up in a barn or a ball room, 
 in anything in fact big enough to hold it. I know 
 that this idea has occurred to Mr. Walker. In 
 fact I believe that it was his original suggestion. 
 There are certain practical difficulties that stand 
 in the way of its accomplishment, however, that 
 must be cleared up first. I note it as a suggestion, 
 and I have no doubt that if the time ever does 
 come when it is a practical possibility it will 
 become a fact. Mr. Walker is not apt to hand 
 back when opportunity off"ers. 
 
 Both the theater and the drama, as all other 
 arts, need room for growth, for expansion, for 
 development. Art forms are constantly changing 
 and growing, indeed if they do not they deterio- 
 rate and die. I do not mean that the old forms 
 must be discarded, but simply that the current 
 must be refreshed with new life from time to 
 time. With the ordinary theater and with the 
 ordinary company this is hardly possible. They 
 are in a rut and their only salvation lies in not 
 
 13 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 being tempted out of it. But the possibilities 
 opened up by a good repertory company, and by 
 a practicable, portable theater are tremendous. 
 The rigid, confining lines fade at once, and the 
 whole structure becomes flexible and revitalized. 
 With these one can branch out in any direction 
 without fear of ultimate calamity. With every 
 year that has passed since that first production 
 of the Portmanteau at the Christodora House 
 the signs have ripened, and the indications have 
 become more evident. Progress has been at 
 least normal, and at times more than normal. 
 It is for the future to show the completed task, 
 
 II 
 
 The first play in this volume, Gammer Gurtoris 
 Needle, is a real adaptation, which is fortunate 
 if only for the sake of the title of the book. Most 
 readers will probably know the play in its orig- 
 inal form, but until Mr. Walker adapted it for 
 his own use I doubt if it had been played for many 
 years except perhaps by English classes and 
 dramatic clubs in the universities. Certainly 
 it was not available to the public. The form of 
 the play is antiquated, and the use of rhymed verse 
 makes its production doubly difficult. It is full 
 of action, however, and of that robust English 
 humor which culminated in FalstafF. Having 
 these, it has never actually lost its appeal, and 
 with certain slight changes and modifications its 
 audiences find it as popular to-day as it was in 
 the 1 6th century. 
 
 14 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 Gammer Gurton's Needle was acted sixteen 
 years after the even more famous Ralph Roister 
 Bolster at Christ's College, Cambridge. Though 
 the authorship is somewhat uncertain it is gen- 
 erally attributed to John Still, who, born in 
 1543, became Master of Christ's College, and 
 finally Vice-Chancellor of the University. If 
 Still really wrote Gammer Gurton's Needle it 
 must have been in his youth while still an under- 
 graduate at the University, for in his later days 
 as Vice-Chancellor he held out strongly for the 
 Latin drama as against the English, maintianing 
 that the first was the more intellectual. To a 
 certain extent he was right, but nevertheless, 
 there is a certain flavor of the middle ages about 
 Gammer that strongly recalls the Latin comedies. 
 In the later years of his life. Still became a Bishop, 
 and he must have looked back with something of 
 regret to the bustling days when he wrote A Ryght 
 Pithy Pleasaunt and Merie Comedie: Intytuled 
 Gammer Gurton's Nedle. It is the second extant 
 English comedy properly so-called, and as such 
 has been handed over to students for far too 
 long. About the only actual evidence of author- 
 ship lies in the fact that the title page of the 
 edition of 1575 states that the play was "made by 
 Mr. S Mr. of Art." As Still was the only Master 
 in Cambridge at the time the play was probably 
 acted whose name began with S, he has, justly 
 enough in all probability, been given credit. 
 At any rate, taken in connection with his later 
 dignities his authorship is piquante. Indeed 
 
 IS 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 it no longer matters, for there are no more royal- 
 ties to pay, and the play itself is here for all who 
 may enjoy it. It is written in rhyming lines of 
 from fourteen to sixteen feet, and, as anyone 
 will see who reads it aloud and rather rapidly, 
 this verse form is far more difficult for the actor 
 than blank verse even. 
 
 Diccon was more or less of a stock figure of 
 the period. In Gammer he is certainly human 
 enough, but in other plays we find him sometimes 
 invested with Puckish qualities that rise even to 
 the height of Devildom on occasion. The play 
 is broad, as broad as it is long in fact, but even so 
 it has required little enough change and excision 
 by the deft touch of Mr. Walker to make it 
 perfectly actable even in a young ladies' seminary, 
 though hearsay informs me that this particular 
 criterion of delicacy holds good no longer. 
 
 Ill 
 
 The Birthday of the Infanta is a wholly charm- 
 ing conceit so well suited to dramatic purposes 
 that one is rather inclined to wonder why Oscar 
 Wilde as author of the story did not stage it 
 himself. Wilde's fairy tales stand quite apart 
 from the rest of his work, however. His plays 
 are best when they are most artificial. The 
 Importance of Being Earnest which hasn't a serious 
 line or situation in it is far finer than Lady Winder- 
 mere's Fan, for instance, in which the pathos 
 nearly approaches bathos, and the tragedy of 
 which rings utterly false. The fairy tales have 
 
 i6 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 more sincerity than all of the rest of Wilde's 
 work put together, even and including De Pro- 
 fundis. There is a very fine pathos in The Birth- 
 day of the Infanta: there is tragedy even, but so 
 delicate is the touch that the shadows are never 
 permitted to assume a deeper tone than grey. 
 There is an air of unreality that echoes an emotion 
 that is not actually there, but the echo itself 
 is poignantly lovely. The theme has been used 
 several times since it was first written, and I do 
 not know, I confess, whether the story was orig- 
 inal with Wilde or not. Alfred Noyes adapted it 
 for pure poetic form under the title of The Dwarfs 
 Tragedy without giving credit either to Wilde 
 or anyone else. His verses, however, were thor- 
 oughly delightful, and he missed none of the 
 many opportunities for voluptuous color the 
 tale presents. The reader may remember Noyes' 
 description of the Princess when the Dwarf is 
 sent to her at the feast. I quote from memory, 
 and not quite accurately I fear, but I am without 
 present access to the poem in question. 
 
 "Roses, roses all around her, roses in her laugh- 
 ing face, 
 
 Roses where the glistening wine cup glowed 
 in honor of the chase; 
 
 Roses where the rosey jewels burned on snowy 
 breast and brow 
 
 Roses . . . and he burst out blindly through 
 the feast of rose and snow." 
 
 17 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 It is certainly colorful, but though Mr. Walker's 
 dramatic version may be somewhat less rosey 
 it is none the less faithful to the original in at- 
 mosphere, and in effect. 
 
 I recall vividly Mr. Walker's original pro- 
 duction of the Infanta with Gregory Kelly as the 
 Dwarf. I cannot remember who did the scenery, 
 but I have no difficulty in remembering its beauty 
 as well as that of the costumes. The Birthday 
 of the Infanta leaves an impression as of music; 
 it is as though some lovely, melancholy strain 
 had drifted through the air and lingered there 
 to haunt one. The subtle fragrance and charm 
 which are so entirely characteristic of these en- 
 chanting tales of Wilde's are not absent from the 
 play. Nothing is lost, and there is nothing added 
 that is alien. 
 
 IV 
 
 The last two plays of the volume show Stuart 
 Walker in his most typical and successful vein as 
 a playwright. They are children's plays; that is, 
 they are plays of children, but, as the author 
 himself says, they are for children from "seven 
 to seventy." That they are not only well liked, 
 but even eagerly looked forward to by audiences 
 ranging between these ages is proof positive that 
 there is nothing spurious about them. "You can 
 fool a man with a stuffed dog, but you can't 
 fool a dog." By the same token you can trick 
 an audience of adults, some adults, with a care- 
 fully prepared product that they take to be an 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 echo from childhood. But it isn't. It is simply 
 what some clever writer knows that the average 
 unclever audience thinks it remembers of its 
 childhood. It isn't authentic in the least, and 
 viewed with the cold eyes of truth is more apt 
 to be childish than childlike. This is where 
 Mr. Walker's plays are different. The children 
 like them too. They recognize them. They know 
 that they were written by a child. 
 
 Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil was, and 
 is, one of the most successful plays for children 
 of all ages that has been written in many years. 
 Even the critics liked it; it even entertained the 
 managers. This is because it is real. It is as 
 real as Puss in Boots, or Little Red Riding Hood, 
 or Cinderella. Sir David Wears a Crown is the 
 sequel to Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil. 
 Few plays have sequels; few could stand them. 
 But you can pick a fairy story up almost where 
 you dropped it, for the break automatically 
 repairs itself through the sheer creative force of 
 imagination. 
 
 Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil is set 
 outside the palace not far from the square where 
 the Queen is to be beheaded for stepping on the 
 ring-toe of the King's Great Aunt. The play 
 ends with the Queen saved by David, thereupon 
 created on the spot Sir David Little Boy. The 
 scene of Sir David Wears a Crown is at one of the 
 Gateways of the King's palace, and the action 
 begins while the search for the Queen is still 
 going on. Thus this play begins not where the 
 
 19 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 other left off, but just enough before to knit the 
 two plays together. Six Who Pass was a wholly- 
 delightful fancy, but I confess that I like Sir 
 David even better. The slight undercurrent of 
 satiric comedy perceptible in the first play is 
 even more evident in the second. Mr. Walker 
 uses again the Prologue, the Device Bearer, 
 and You in the Audience, thus at the very outset 
 striking the key note of the performance. This 
 play has a bit more substance than the other. 
 The gentle and very pointed fun that is poked at 
 etiquette, at convention, at law and order never 
 goes so far that one feels the onus of a preach- 
 ment, and yet goes far enough so that no shade 
 of natural absurdity is missed. The Soldiery and 
 the Population, and the rope that Sir David fin- 
 ally removes by the simple expedient of coiling it 
 up are all simply, skillfully, and successfully done. 
 Many fairy tales have or have had a tinge of 
 satire, and in none of them does it seem to belong 
 more naturally than here. Quite aside from this 
 vein is that human emotion which reaches its 
 culmination in the last scene of the play between 
 Sir David, now a prince, and his Mother. It 
 would have been very easy to have been maudlin 
 here, but the author has not for an instant fallen 
 into the pit temptation digged for him. The 
 sentiment is true, simple and convincing. , It is 
 born of that same tenderness that finds its outlet 
 at one time in gently mocking the conventionalized 
 inhibitions of society as it is constituted, and at 
 another in the direct expression of that sym- 
 
 20 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 pathetic understanding with which the final scene 
 of the play is treated. 
 
 To my mind Sir David Wears a Crown is an 
 excellent example of Mr. Walker at his best as 
 a playwright. His insistence on the fact that a 
 play is something to be played, and something 
 to play with; not a preachment, a symbol, an 
 allegory or whatnot. A child's ball is a symbol 
 of the globe if you choose, but most important 
 of all it is a ball that can be thrown and caught 
 again: toy ships, soldiers, houses, forts, castles 
 and all the other equipment of the miniature 
 world of childhood are, if you like, symbols of 
 the greater world into which children must one 
 day grow, but this is a detail, a perversion even, 
 for the prime purpose of these things is play. 
 Without them one can still make believe, but with 
 them one can believe more easily. The whole 
 idea behind the best of Mr. Walker's plays is, 
 I think, let's pretend. And if one can pretend 
 all is well; but if one cannot, one's money should 
 be given back to one at the box-office for that one 
 has been lured into the theater under false pre- 
 tences. After all, what is any art and all art but 
 an exemplification and a natural expansion of 
 Let's Pretend? Sophistication is only the elab- 
 orate mummery the juggler makes to distract our 
 attention from his real purpose. The Doll's 
 House, for instance, would be characterized by 
 the careless as an intellectual play. Tut, tut, and 
 fie for shame! That is only the mask. It might 
 as easily and with greater art be written as poeti- 
 
 21 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 cally as Peer Gynt in which one must pretend 
 continually. There is that unfortunate type of 
 person who regards the theater as a natural 
 adjunct to the church, the law court, and to the 
 soap box of the propagandist on the street corner. 
 Sadly enough, some of these persons even write 
 plays, and more sadly still get them produced. 
 But here the pretense is still more flagrant, for 
 they only pretend to be plays. There is no play 
 in them really. This constant chase after hidden 
 meanings, symbols and the like is only the in- 
 cessant demand of the futile for futility. It is 
 as though one could not take pleasure in the 
 perfume of a flower or in the colors of a sunset 
 without straightway becoming wordy and dis- 
 cursive about perfumes and colors in general. 
 We know that the wag of a dog's tail expresses 
 pleasure; we do not demand that the dog wag 
 his tail according to a signal code like a Boy Scout. 
 And so if we demand that the Soldiery in Sir 
 David Wears a Crown stand for Militarism, the 
 Population for the Masses, the coil of rope for 
 Law and Convention, and so on and on, we do no 
 more than to limit and define the straw with 
 which we are tickled. If the play is really to give 
 us pleasure, however, if it is to awaken in us any 
 sense of beauty, we must take it as it is, as a play. 
 
 Comes Nellijumbo. This is not a sequel, but 
 it is reminiscent of another play of Mr. Walker's 
 which for some time has been one of the most 
 
 22 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 popular in his repertory, that is Jonathan Makes 
 a Wish. Nellijumbo is of the same genre, in fact 
 it is not unlike a tabloid version of the earlier 
 and longer play. It too is of a child, and for 
 children. It is quite unlike Sir David Wears a 
 Crown, however, and to mind it is a less success- 
 ful bit of work, though I am quite prepared to 
 find that most audiences disagree with me. The 
 trouble that I find with it is that it is too ob- 
 vious. It is the story of a little blind boy, brought 
 up, so far as he has been brought up at all, by a 
 stiff and conventional aunt and uncle whose lives 
 are engulfed and encircled by Yeas and Nays, 
 and who regard an imaginative Alight as merely 
 a more elaborate method of lying. The boy is 
 very sensitive, and under the circumstances 
 equally repressed. To him comes his father — 
 his mother is dead — an explorer, an adventurer 
 in the Elizabethan sense, from whom Richard 
 has inherited all that has become perforce quies- 
 cent under the disciplinary regime of the aunt 
 and uncle. The story of how the boy and his 
 father find each other is the story of the play. 
 It is done sympathetically and deftly, but it is 
 done too obviously and directly for my own taste. 
 I feel as though a somewhat sentimental sermon- 
 ette had been hurled at me. As usual, Mr. 
 Walker's stage directions are simply asides in 
 characterization. This I believe is as it should 
 be if a play is to be printed. It has been wisely 
 remarked that actually to succeed a play must 
 be a success first on the stage and second in the 
 
 23 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 library. Of course this is true enough. Other- 
 wise it cannot pass into literature, and if it can- 
 not pass into literature it cannot endure for 
 long. Look back over the centuries, and it will 
 be evident enough that the plays that have come 
 down to us, that have lasted, are the plays which 
 are not only successful dramatically, but which 
 are true literature in the bargain. Either this 
 or they are historical curiosities, and are gen- 
 erally unknown to the public. If only for this 
 reason it seems to me that the method, actually 
 inaugurated by Barrie on the modern English 
 speaking stage, of elaborating the old conventional 
 stage directions until they have an interpre- 
 tative value, a literary quality, is a step in the 
 right direction. It has been said in criticism of 
 this that it makes a play less like a play and 
 infringes on the privileges of the novelist. Ab- 
 surd. It does not in the least make a play less 
 like a play, but it does make it less like a prompt 
 copy. Go back to the old editions of the plays 
 published by French, and observe the O. P.s 
 and the R. U. E.s and the R. L. E.s and S. C.s 
 and all the other abbreviations of that technical 
 j argon which has no value except for the technical 
 director of the play in question. And having 
 rid ourselves of that why not go a step further 
 and polish what is left to a semblance of bril- 
 liancy at least? There is a danger in this, of 
 course: danger lest the unwary leave too much to 
 the stage direction, and include too little in the 
 
 24 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 dialogue, but Mr. Walker is far too old a hand to 
 be trapped into such a fault. 
 
 Nellijumbo is a small tract in a dramatic form. 
 One cannot criticise it because it is a tract. Criti- 
 cism rests in the fact that it is so plainly a tract 
 that, in the reading version, at any rate, one 
 loses its illusion as a play. It is my belief that 
 material of this nature can be treated much more 
 successfully after the manner of Sir David Wears 
 a Crown. Either that or let the dramatic action 
 be pitched in so high a key that the sermon rises 
 to the point of a diatribe by Saint Paul. And 
 somehow that seems unlikely. To make a bad 
 pun, and most puns are bad, the play as it stands 
 at present is too much like a curtain-lecture. It 
 should be entirely superfluous to point out that 
 this is simply a personal opinion. I have no 
 doubt that this play is successful in production: 
 for, good or bad, it is possessed amply of the quali- 
 fications which usually spell success in America. 
 Mix pathos with humor, and the average American 
 audience will succumb to the spell for three years 
 running whether the pathos is spurious or not, 
 and even though the humor is of the sentimental 
 variety. There is a play of this type on Broadway 
 now. It has been there for three solid years, 
 and ten years from now it will be forgotten forever 
 and deservedly so. America is probably the most 
 sentimental nation on earth. It likes to think 
 it is moral. It isn't particularly, but the illusion 
 is dear to it. Hence the Rollo books and the 
 
 25 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 Elsie stories. We show it in our politics; we dis- 
 play it in our social, and in our industrial relations, 
 and our more popular art reeks with it. It is all 
 that explains Harold Bell Wright, and that in- 
 sufferably nasty little prig Pollyanna. A nation 
 that will take such an author and such a book to 
 its bosom, and make seven days wonders of them 
 both cannot deny that it is sentimental. We do 
 deny it, of course, which simply proves our 
 sentimentality. We haven't even the courage 
 of our lack of convictions. To me Nellijumbo 
 is possessed of a certain portion of this senti- 
 mentality, and it spoils the play for me. Par- 
 enthetically be it remarked that I can only afford 
 to be thus outspoken because Mr. Walker has the 
 ability of the true artist to take adverse criticism 
 without spleen. It is another factor, and no small 
 one. In making his career constructive from start 
 to finish; he will listen to any suggestion, any 
 criticism, and if he is convinced that he is wrong 
 he will admit it. In the present instance it is a 
 matter of different points of view, divergent 
 temperaments. And so far as Nellijumbo is 
 concerned one thing at any rate is sure: 
 the play is sincere, it is skillful, it is deft. 
 One may not like vanilla ice-cream, but that does 
 not in the least prevent a given sample of it 
 from being excellent of its kind. And too, if I 
 have been justified in what I have said of Nelli- 
 jumbo it is only fair to add that Mr. Walker's 
 other play which is somewhat like it in type, 
 Jonathan Makes a Wish, is by no means charac- 
 
 26 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 terized by the same faults, if faults they are. 
 Jonathan has more plot, more direct action, less 
 time and opportunity for moralizing, so that the 
 lesson is indirect, and secondary to the actual 
 play. In Nellijumbo one cannot but feel that the 
 play is only an excuse for the lesson. And most 
 of us stopped liking lessons on the same day and 
 in the same hour when we began to realize that 
 we had to learn them. 
 
 VI 
 
 Let Mr. Walker speak for himself as to this 
 matter of plays, play-writing, and production. 
 Here is a bit from a letter he wrote to Lord Dun- 
 sany just five years ago when he was first putting 
 on the Dunsany plays. 
 
 "I am going to tell you a few of my ideas about 
 play producing because I feel at ease after reading your 
 statements about our uncivilized musical comedies 
 and our absurd toys for children. To my mind the 
 play is the most important consideration. The author 
 must know what he is talking about, and why he says 
 what he does in the way he says it. There is a story 
 to tell and I try to tell it in the author's way. I don't 
 like symbolism as such, and I make no effort to foist 
 upon an audience a hidden meaning. There is always 
 some deep hidden meaning. There is a story to tell 
 and that story must always have a certain effect upon the 
 audience, and that effect is gained primarily through 
 the actor's ability to translate the author's meaning 
 into mental and physical action. The scenery must 
 never be obtrusive; it is not and cannot be an end in 
 
 27 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 itself; but to me lights come next to the actor in im- 
 portance. With lights of various colors and intensity, 
 vast changes in space, and time, and thought can be 
 suggested." 
 
 I think that most readers will agree with me 
 that this exposition is not only interesting in 
 itself, but that it is so sane and balanced that we 
 are better able to understand Mr. Walker's 
 success. He is entirely consistent, though con- 
 sistency is not always the virtue we are led to 
 believe, and if he has either erred or departed 
 momentarily from the dogmas he has laid down 
 it is no more than the best have done before him. 
 
 Both in his writing and in his producing, Mr. 
 Walker has been positive and constructive where 
 too many have been content to be negative 
 and destructive. He has prefei-red the virtues 
 rather than the defects of life; he has felt that 
 there was more inspiration in beauty than in the 
 many antitheses of beauty with which the modern 
 stage is encumbered. He is a romanticist always, 
 for he sees that the hidden things are the truest, 
 that there is less real significance in a soiled 
 collar than in a soiled heart. There is the writer 
 who uses the camera and who shows pictures of 
 the outside of things; and there is the writer who, 
 equipped with an X-Ray machine, shows pictures 
 of the inside of things, and the only thing that these 
 two have in common is their mutual hatred of 
 each other, and the fact that they are both un- 
 pleasant, unbeautiful, and unnecessary. Then, 
 heaven be thanked, there is that writer who is not 
 
 28 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 interested in things at all, and who regards the 
 camera as an uncreative medium, and the X-Ray 
 as merely a scientific instrument, who knows that 
 since he cannot capture the illusive and pin it to 
 a printed page he must deal largely in suggestion. 
 I do not mean symbolism, and 1 do not mean 
 mysticism, but I do mean, to deal myself in 
 symbols, that the inspiration which is drawn from 
 the eternal current of life itself is far more sure, 
 more satisfying, and more lasting than that which 
 is taken from any one of the bits of refuse that the 
 current casts on the bank as it hurries past. 
 
 The same qualities that are in his plays are to 
 be seen likewise in Mr. Walker's staging, in his 
 use of scenery and lighting, and indeed in the 
 acting that one usually sees in his productions. 
 It is creative, imaginative, synthetic. The near- 
 est Walker has ever come, to my knowledge, to 
 naturalism in his work is in his play The Medicine 
 Show printed in the first volume of this series. 
 Portmanteau Plays. The Medicine Show may 
 appear naturalistic to the unwary, but actually 
 it is as little so as a Japanese print. There is the 
 same economy, the same sureness, and the same 
 strength. I do not think that I can recall offhand 
 another play of the same length, as few characters, 
 and totally devoid of mise-en-scene, as this play 
 is, which is so full of sharply defined character- 
 ization. Each stroke tells, and at the end of a 
 quarter hour in which nothing has happened you 
 not only know intimately the three persons on 
 the stage but you know their life, their environ- 
 
 29 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 ment, and their entire background. Very re- 
 cently there has been a full length play in New 
 York which tried to do the same thing through 
 two hours of agony, and then failed to be anything 
 but maudlin. It was a success, however, for it 
 was "strong" drama. I remember when I was 
 serving with the British troops during the "re- 
 cent unpleasantness" that the Tommys got so 
 accustomed to strong eggs that fresh laid ones 
 were actually distasteful to them. They had too 
 little kick. That is so often the case with Amer- 
 ican art. 
 
 Nevertheless if the American public has per- 
 mitted itself to buy much worthless stock it has in- 
 vested in some sound securities. The Portmanteau 
 Plays, the Portmanteau theatre, and the Stuart 
 Walker Company have been accepted, and are 
 now established institutions. Mr. Walker is in 
 a position to take the next step. What it will be 
 no one knows; perhaps he does not even know 
 himself. The last few years have seen much ac- 
 complished, and it would be unjust to think that 
 Mr. Walker would rest in his present status 
 even if he could. And he cannot. He must either 
 go on or go back according to that eternal law 
 which denies our right to take dynamic energy 
 and to preserve it in a static form. 
 
 Edward Hale Bierstadt. 
 
 Castle Hill, August 15, 1921 
 
 30 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 (First performance in America at Jordan Hall, Boston, 
 February 14, 1916; first performance in New York 
 City at the Princess Theatre, December 11, 1916.) 
 
 BOSTON NEW YORK 
 
 Prologue Harrie Fumade Gitrude Tristjanski 
 
 DiccoN Edgar Stehli Edgar Stehli 
 
 Hodge McKay Morris McKay Morris 
 
 Tyb Nancy Winston Nancy Winston 
 
 Gammer Gurton. . Judith Lowry Judith Lowry 
 
 Cocke Wilmot Heitland Robert Cook 
 
 Dame Chatte Florence WoUersen .... Florence Wollersen 
 
 Doctor Rat Gregory Kelly Greg ry Kelly 
 
 Doll Harrie Fumade Agnes Rogers 
 
 Master Baylye. . .Lew Medbury Lew Medbury 
 
 Scapethrift John Hawkins John Hawkins 
 
 Scenery and costumes designed by Wilmot Heitland. 
 
 "Gammer Gurton's Needle" was produced originally in the 
 Portmanteau Theatre without cuts. After several performances it 
 was considered advisable to use the version which is printed in this 
 volume. The lines within brackets ( [ ] ) may also be cut to good 
 effect unless the actors are especially proficient and deft in the 
 speaking of rhymed verse. The intermissions ought to be very 
 short. 
 
 31 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 A Farce in Five Acts^ 
 The Names of the Speakers in This Comedy: 
 
 DiccoN, the Bedlam 
 
 Hodge, Gammer Gurton's servant 
 
 Tyb, Gammer Gurton^s maid 
 
 Gammer Gurton 
 
 Cocke, Gammer Gurton s boy 
 
 Dame Chatte 
 
 Doctor Rat, the Curate 
 
 Master Baylye 
 
 Doll, Dame Chatte' s maid 
 
 ScAPETHRiFT, Master Baylye' s servant 
 
 Scene: A Village in England ^ 
 {God Save the §ueen!) 
 
 1 Possible cuts are indicated by brackets ( [] ). 
 'It is advisable to let the one scene stand throughout 
 the play. 
 
 32 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 The Prologue enters before the curtains and, after a 
 deep curtsy, begins to speak: 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 We are now in the sixteenth century, when 
 needles were very scarce. If one had one, one 
 was very lucky; if one lost one — {J^he Prologue 
 points to the curtains'). 
 
 We have here for you a right pithy, pleasant, 
 and merry comedy entitled Gammer Gurton's 
 Needle, made by Mr. S, Master of Arts, who 
 asks us not to ^^wcover his name, and played at 
 Christ's College, Cambridge, not so very long 
 ago. 
 The Prologue now takes a more professional atti- 
 tude and begins to speak with marked and rapid 
 rhythm ^ 
 
 As Gammer Gurton, with many wide stitches. 
 Sat piecing and patching of Hodge her man's 
 
 breeches. 
 By chance or misfortune, as she her gear tossed 
 In Hodge's leather breeches, her needle she lost. 
 When Diccon, the bedlam, had heard by report 
 That good Gammer Gurton was robbed in this 
 
 sort 
 He quickly persuaded with her in that 'stound 
 
 ^ All the lines of the play should be spoken as rapidly as 
 possible, with rhythm and variety. The more spontaneous 
 the reading of the lines the fewer the cuts necessary. 
 
 ^ 33 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Dame Chatte, her dear gossip, this needle had 
 
 found. 
 Yet knew she no more of this matter, alas! 
 Than knoweth Tom, our clerk, what the priest 
 
 saith at mass. 
 Hereof there ensued so fearful a fray 
 Master Doctor was sent for, these gossips to 
 
 stay. 
 Because he was Curate, and esteemed full wise: 
 Who found that he sought not, by Diccon's 
 
 device. 
 When all things were tumbled and clean out of 
 
 fashion. 
 Whether it were by fortune, or some other 
 
 constellation. 
 Suddenly the needle Hodge found by the 
 
 pricking. 
 And drew it out of his breeches where he felt it 
 
 sticking. 
 Their hearts then at rest with perfect security. 
 With a pot of good ale, they struck up their 
 
 plaudity. 
 
 (The Prologue Exits.) 
 (The Curtains Open.) 
 
 34 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 ACT I 
 
 The scene represents a street in an English village. 
 At the right is Gammer Gurton's house; at the 
 left. Dame Chattels Inn. 
 
 Loud voices ojff stage R. of Gammer, Tyb, and 
 Cocke, 
 
 Enter Diccon precipitately from Gammer's house R. 
 He carries a side of bacon under his arm. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [Many a mile have I walked, divers and sundry 
 
 ways. 
 And many a good man's house have I been at 
 
 in my days; 
 Many a piece of bacon have I had from out of 
 
 their balks. 
 With running over the country with long and 
 
 weary walks; 
 Yet came my foot never within those door- 
 cheeks, 
 To seek flesh or fish, garlic, onions, or leeks. 
 That ever I saw a sort in such a plight 
 As here within this house appeareth to my 
 
 sight.] 
 The old trot sits groaning, with alas! and alas! 
 And Tyb wrings her hands, and takes on in 
 
 worse pass 
 [With poor Cocke, their boy. They be driven 
 
 in such fits 
 I fear me the folks be not well in their wits.] 
 
 35 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Ask them what they ail, or who brought them 
 in this stay. 
 
 They answer not at all or but "alack! and 
 wellaway!" 
 
 [When I saw it booted not, out at doors I hied 
 me. 
 
 And caught me a slip of bacon, when I saw that 
 no one spied me, 
 
 Which I intend not far hence, unless my pur- 
 pose fail. 
 
 Shall serve for a shoinghorn to draw on two 
 pots of ale.] 
 
 {Starts into Dame Chattes Inn L., but stops at 
 
 door and listens to Hodge, who enters from a lane.) 
 
 HODGE 
 
 See! Thus come I arrayed with dabbling in 
 
 the dirt. 
 She that set me to ditching, I'd like to splash 
 
 her skirt ! 
 'Od's soul, see how this stuff tears ! 
 {Examining the rents in his breeches.) 
 I were better to be a bear-ward and set to keep 
 
 bears ! 
 By the mass, here's a gash! a shameful hole 
 
 indeed ! 
 And one stitch tear further, a man may thrust 
 
 in his head. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [But Hodge, the next remedy in such a case 
 
 and hap 
 Is to patch on a piece as broad as thy cap.] 
 36 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 HODGE 
 
 ['Od's soul, man, 'tis not yet two days fully 
 
 ended 
 Since my dame Gurton, I am sure, these 
 
 breeches mended! 
 But I am made such a drudge, to trudge at 
 
 every need, 
 I would rend it though it were stitched with 
 
 sturdy pack thread.] 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Hodge, let thy breeches go, and speak and tell 
 
 me soon 
 What devil maketh Gammer Gurton and Tyb, 
 
 her maid, to frown. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Tush, man, thou art deceived! 'Tis their daily 
 
 look; 
 They cower so over the coals their eyes be 
 
 bleared with smoke. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [Nay, by the mass, I perfectly perceived, as I 
 
 came hither. 
 That either Tyb and her dame had been by the 
 
 ears together. 
 Or else as great a matter, as thou shalt shortly 
 
 see. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Now I beseech our Lord, they never better 
 agree !] 
 
 DICCON 
 
 By Gog's soul, there they sit as still as stones 
 in the street, 
 
 37 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 As though they had been taken with fairies or 
 with some evil spreet. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 But canst thou not tell, in faith, Diccon, why 
 
 she frowns, or whereat ? 
 Hath no man stolen her ducks or hens or 
 
 scalded Gyb, her cat? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 What the devil can I tell, man? I could not 
 
 have one word; 
 They gave no more heed to my talk than thou 
 
 wouldst to a lord. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Still I cannot but muse what marvelous thing 
 
 it is! 
 I shall go in and know myself what matters 
 
 are amiss. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Then farewell, Hodge, a-while, since thou dost 
 
 inward haste. 
 For I will in to the good-wife Chatte, to feel how 
 
 the ale doth taste. 
 {Exit Diccon into the Inn.) 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I am aghast, by the mass! I know not what 
 
 to do. 
 I'd better bless myself well before I go thereto! 
 Perchance some felon sprite may haunt our 
 
 house indeed. 
 And then I were but a noddy to venture where 
 
 I have no need ! 
 
 38 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER {off-Stage) 
 
 Tyb, thou lazy lout! Get out! get out! 
 
 {Tyb is pushed out through Gammer's door R, 
 
 and her besom is thrown out after her.) 
 
 TYB 
 
 I am worse than mad, by the mass, to be at 
 
 this stay! 
 I am chijded, I am blamed and beaten, all the 
 
 hours of the day. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I say, Tyb — if thou be Tyb, as I trow sure 
 
 thou be — 
 What devilish make-a-do is this between our 
 
 dame and thee? 
 
 TYB 
 
 If she hear not of some comfort, she sayeth she 
 
 is but dead. 
 Shall never come within her lips one inch of 
 
 meat nor bread! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 By our lady, I am not glad to see her in this 
 
 dump. 
 I wonder if her stool has fallen and she had a 
 
 mighty bump! 
 
 TYB 
 
 Nay, if that were but the worst ! — we would not 
 
 greatly care 
 For bursting of her ankle-bone or breaking of 
 
 her chair; 
 But greater, greater, is her grief as, Hodge, we 
 
 shall all feel! 
 
 39 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 HODGE 
 
 'Od's wounds, Tyb ! My Gammer has never lost 
 her needle ?i 
 
 TYB 
 
 Her needle. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Her needle? 
 
 TYB 
 
 Her needle! 
 
 My Gammer sat her down to rest, and had me 
 
 reach thy breeches. 
 And by and by — a vengeance in it! — before she 
 
 had ta'en two stitches 
 To clap a clout upon thy seat, by chance aside 
 
 she leers; 
 And Gyb, our cat, in the milk-pan she spied 
 
 overhead and ears. 
 "Out, cat! Out, thief!" she cried aloud, and 
 
 cast the breeches down. 
 Up went her staff, and out leapt Gyb — out- 
 doors, into the town. 
 And since that time was never wight could set 
 
 their eyes upon it. 
 Cocke and I bid twenty times Gog's curses hght 
 
 upon it. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 And is not, then, my breeches sewed up, to- 
 morrow that I should wear? 
 
 ' The word needle must be frequently slurred in pronun- 
 ciation to make a monosylable. 
 
 40 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 TYB 
 
 No, in faith, Hodge, thy breeches lie with the 
 same great tear. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 [Now a vengeance light on all the sort, that 
 
 better should have kept it — 
 The cat, the house, and Tyb, our maid, that 
 
 better should have swept it!] 
 {Enter Gammer from her house.) 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Alas, Hodge, alas! I may well curse and ban 
 This day, that ever I saw it, with Gyb and the 
 
 milk-pan ! 
 For these and ill-luck together, as knoweth 
 
 Cocke, my boy. 
 Have took away my dear needle, and robbed 
 
 me of my joy; 
 My fair, easy, straight needle that was my only 
 
 treasure — 
 The first day of my sorrow is and last end of 
 
 my pleasure ! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 [Might have kept it when ye had it! But fools 
 
 will be fools still! 
 Lose what is fast in your hands? Ye need not; 
 
 but ye will!] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Go, hie thee, Tyb, and run, thou jade, to the 
 
 end here of the town ! 
 Didst carry dust out in thy lap; seek where 
 
 thou pouredst it down, 
 
 41 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 And, as thou saw me raking in the ashes where 
 
 I mourned. 
 So see in all the heaps of dust thou leave no 
 
 straw unturned. 
 
 TYB 
 
 That I shall, Gammer, fast and soon, and then 
 
 be here again! 
 {Exit Tyb through opening just below house R.) 
 
 GAMMER {calling after her) 
 Tyb, stoop, and look down to the ground! Do 
 it! And take some pain ! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Your needle lost? It is a pity you should lack 
 
 care and — endless sorrow! 
 'Od's death, how shall my breeches be sewed? 
 
 Shall I go thus to-morrow! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Ah, Hodge, Hodge! If I could find my needle, 
 
 by the reed, 
 I should sew thy breeches, I promise that, with 
 
 full good double thread. 
 And set a patch on either knee should last these 
 
 spring months twain. 
 Now Gog and good Saint Swithin, I pray to 
 
 send it home again! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 One hundred things that be abroad, I am set to 
 
 watch their weal; 
 And four of you sit idle at home and cannot 
 
 keep a needle! 
 
 42 
 
GAMMER GURTQN'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 My needle, alas! I lost it, Hodge, what time 
 
 I me up-hasted 
 To save the milk set up for thee, which Gyb, 
 
 our cat, hath wasted. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 The devil, he burst both Gyb and Tyb, with 
 
 all the rest! 
 I am always sure of the worst end, whoever 
 
 have the best! 
 Where have you been fidging abroad since you 
 
 your needle lost? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Within the house, and at the door, sitting by 
 
 this same post, 
 [Where I was looking a long hour, before these 
 
 folks came here; 
 But welaway! all was in vain, my needle is 
 
 nowhere near!] 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Get me a candle; let me seek and grope wherever 
 
 it be. 
 ['Od's heart, ye be so foolish, I think you know 
 
 it not when you it see!] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Come hither, Cocke! what, Cocke, I say! 
 {Enter Cocke from House.) 
 
 COCKE 
 
 How, Gammer! 
 
 43 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Go hie thee, son. 
 And grope behind the old brass pan, which 
 
 thing when thou hast done. 
 There shalt thou find an old shoe, wherein, if 
 
 thou look well. 
 Thou shalt find lying an inch of a white tallow 
 
 candle; 
 Light it and bring it right away. 
 
 COCKE 
 
 That shall be done anon. 
 {Goes into the house.) 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Nay, tarry, Hodge, till thou hast light, and then 
 we'll seek, each one. 
 HODGE {crossing to house and calling to Cocke) 
 Come away, ye worthless boy, are ye asleep? 
 Must you have a crier! 
 COCKE {of -stage) 
 
 I cannot get the candle light: there is almost 
 no fire. 
 HODGE {picks up a stick and starts threateningly 
 into the house) 
 [I'll hold thee a penny I'll make thee come if I 
 
 maybe catch thine ear! 
 Art deaf, thou stupid boy? Cocke, I say, why 
 canst not hear?] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Beat him not, Hodge, but help the boy, and 
 
 come you two together. 
 {Hodge goes into the house.) 
 {Enter Tyb.) 
 
 44 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 How now, Tyb? Quick, let's hear what news 
 thou hast brought hither! 
 
 TYB 
 
 I have tossed and tumbled yonder heap [o'er 
 
 and o'er again. 
 And winnowed it through my fingers, as men 
 
 would winnow grain — 
 Looking within, and else without,] to find your 
 
 needle, alas! 
 But all in vain and without help, your needle 
 
 is— where it was. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Alas, my needle ! We shall never meet ! Adieu ! 
 adieu, for aye! 
 
 TYB 
 
 Not so. Gammer, we might find it — if we knew 
 
 where it lay. 
 {Enter Cocke, with a candle, from the housed 
 COCKE {choked with laughter!) 
 
 'Od's cross. Gammer, if ye will laugh, look in 
 
 but at the door. 
 And see how Hodge lieth tumbling and tossing 
 
 around the floor. 
 Raking there some fire to find among the 
 
 ashes dead, 
 Where there is not one spark so big as a pin's 
 
 head. 
 At last in a dark corner two sparks he thinks 
 
 he spies 
 Which were indeed naught else but Gyb, our 
 
 cat's, two eyes. 
 
 45 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 "PuflF," quoth Hodge, thinking thereby to have 
 
 fire without doubt; 
 With that Gyb shut her two eyes, and so the 
 
 fire was out. 
 [And by-and-by they opened, even as they were 
 
 before; 
 With that the sparks appeared, even as they 
 
 had done of yore.] 
 And e'en as Hodge blew the fire, as he did 
 
 think, 
 Gyb, as she felt the blast, straightway began 
 
 to wink, 
 [Till Hodge fell to swearing, as come best to his 
 
 turn. 
 The fire was sure bewitched, and therefore 
 
 would not burn.] 
 At last Gyb hopped upstairs among the old 
 
 posts and pins 
 And Hodge he hied him after till broke were 
 
 both his shins. 
 {Cocke and Tyb are convulsed with laughter.) 
 
 GAMMER {after them with her stick) 
 
 See, here is all the thought that the foolish 
 
 urchin taketh! 
 And Tyb, methinks, at his elbow almost as 
 
 merry maketh! 
 
 HODGE {from upper window) 
 
 'Od's heart, help and come up! Gyb in her tail 
 
 hath fire 
 And is like to burn all if she get a little higher! 
 {Pointing to the thatch.) 
 46 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 This is all the wit ye have where others make 
 
 their moan. 
 Come down, Hodge ! Where art thou ? And let 
 
 the cat alone! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Come down, quoth you ? Very, then you might 
 
 count me a patch! 
 The house cometh down on your heads if it 
 
 takes on the thatch. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 It is the cat's eyes, fool, that shineth in the 
 dark! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Hath the cat, do you think, in every eye a 
 spark? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 No, but they shine as like fire as ever man may 
 
 see. 
 HODGE {closes window) 
 
 By the mass, and she burn all, you'll bear the 
 
 blame on me! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Come down, and help to see that our needle 
 
 here is found. 
 Down, Tyb; on thy knees, I say! Down, Cocke, 
 
 to the ground! 
 To God I make a vow, and so to Good Saint 
 
 Anne 
 A candle shall they have apiece, get it where 
 
 I can. 
 If I may my needle find in one place or another. 
 
 47 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 HODGE {entering) 
 
 Now a vengeance on Gyb light, on Gyb, and 
 
 on Gyb's mother 
 [And all the generation of cats both far and near! 
 GAMMER {as Cocke looks on her dress) 
 Look on the ground, noddy? Thinks thou the 
 needle is here? 
 
 COCKE 
 
 By my troth, Gammer, methought your needle 
 
 here I saw 
 But when my fingers touched it, I felt it was 
 
 a straw.] 
 
 TYB 
 
 See, Hodge! What 'tis? 'Tis it. By the mass! 
 {They look at what she^ s found, take it to pieces, 
 and throw it away.) 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 This matter amendeth not; my needle is still 
 
 where it was. 
 Our candle is at an end; it's black as night. 
 Let's come another time, when we have more 
 
 hght. 
 
 The Curtains Close 
 
 48 
 
wtiatfl I Hi^jt - 
 
 ..^»-« 
 
 Hodge and Diccon 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 SONQi 
 
 Back and side, go bare, go bare; 
 
 Both foot and hand, go cold: 
 But, belly, Gog send thee good ale enough 
 
 Whether it be new or old ! 
 
 I can not eat but little meat, 
 
 My stomach is not good; 
 But, sure I think that I can drink 
 
 With him that wears a hood. 
 Though I go bare, take ye no care, 
 
 I am nothing a-cold — 
 I stuff my skin so full within 
 
 Of jolly good ale and old. 
 
 Back and side, go bare, go bare, etc. 
 
 I love no roast, but a nut-brown toast 
 
 And a crab laid in the fire; 
 A little bread shall do me stead — 
 
 Much bread I don't desire. 
 No frost nor snow, no wind, I trow. 
 
 Can hurt me if I would, 
 I am so wrapt and thoroughly lapt 
 
 Of jolly good ale and old. 
 
 Back and side, go bare, go bare, etc. 
 
 ^To be sung behind the scenes by Diccon and chorus. 
 
 One version of the music may be found in Cecil Sharp's 
 
 Folk Songs from Somerset, Fourth Series, LXXXII, The 
 
 Beggar, published by Simplen & Co., London. Wessex Press. 
 
 4 49 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 And Tyb, my wife, that as her life 
 
 Loveth well good ale to seek; 
 Full oft drinks she till ye may see 
 
 The tears run down her cheek; 
 Then doth she troll to me the bowl 
 
 E'en as a malt-worm should. 
 And saith, "Sweetheart, I took my part 
 
 Of this jolly good ale and old." 
 
 Back and side, go bare, go bare, etc. 
 
 Now let them drink till they nod and wink 
 
 E'en as good fellows should do; 
 They shall not miss to have the bliss 
 
 Good ale doth bring men to. 
 And all poor souls that have scoured bowls 
 
 Or have them lustily trolled — 
 God save the lives of them and their wives 
 
 Whether they be young or old ! 
 
 Back and side, go bare, go bare, etc. 
 
 50 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 ACT II 
 
 {Enter Diccon from Dame Chattels house.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Well done, by Gog's malt ! Well sung, and well 
 
 said! 
 Come on, Mother Chatte, as thou art true 
 
 maid! 
 {Ribald laughter from Inn.) 
 [This gear it warms the soul! Now, wind, blow 
 
 on thy worst. 
 And let us drink and swill till that our bellies 
 
 burst.] 
 Now a truly wise man by magic could divine 
 Which way my journey lieth or where will 
 
 Diccon dine! 
 But one good turn I have: be it by night or day. 
 South, east, north, or west, I am never out of 
 
 my way. 
 {Enter Hodge from house R., carrying a chunk 
 of dry bread.) 
 
 HODGE 
 
 [I am goodly rewarded, am I not, do you think? 
 I had a goodly dinner for all my sweat and 
 swink ! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Hail, fellow Hodge, and well mayst fare with 
 
 thy meat, if thou have any! 
 But, by thy words, as I them smelled, thy 
 
 dainties be not many.] 
 
 51 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 HODGE 
 
 [Dainties,] Diccon? Od's soul, man, save this 
 
 piece of dry horsebread, 
 I have bit no bite this livelong day; no crumb 
 
 came in my head. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Why, Hodge, was there none at home thy din- 
 ner for to set? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 'Od's bread, Diccon, I came too late, was noth- 
 ing there to get! 
 Gyb — a foul fiend light on her! — licked the 
 
 milk pan clean — 
 See, Diccon, 'twas not so well washed this 
 
 seven year, I ween! 
 A pestilence light on all ill luck! I had thought 
 
 yet, for all this, 
 Of a morsel of bacon behind the door, at worst, 
 
 I should not miss; 
 But when I sought a slip to cut, as I was wont 
 
 to do, 
 'Od's soul, Diccon, Gyb, our cat, had eat the 
 
 bacon, too! 
 {Which bacon Diccon stole, as is declared before.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 111 luck, [marry, swear it, Hodge! This day the 
 
 truth to tell. 
 Thou rose not on thy right side, or else blest 
 
 thee not well — 
 Thy milk slopt up,] thy bacon filched — that 
 
 was too bad luck, Hodge! 
 
 52 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Nay, nay, there was a fouler fault: my Gammer 
 
 gave me the dodge! 
 [Seest not how I am rent and torn, my heels, 
 
 my knees, and my breech? 
 I had thought as I sat by the fire to have here 
 
 and there a stitch; 
 But here I was wrong indeed.] 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Why, Hodge? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Boots not, man, to tell. [I am so dressed 
 amongst a sort of fools I had better be in 
 hell!] 
 
 My Gammer, I am ashamed to say, by Gog, 
 served me not well ! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 How so, Hodge? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Has she not gone, trowest now, and lost her 
 needle ? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Her eel, Hodge? Who fished of late? That 
 were a dainty dish! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Tush, tush, her needle! her needle! her needle, 
 man ! 'Tis neither flesh nor fish. 
 
 [A little thing with a hole in the end as bright 
 as any silver. 
 
 Small, long, sharp at the point, and straight as 
 any pillar. 
 
 53 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 DICCON 
 
 I know not what in devil thou meanest; thou 
 bringest me more in doubt! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Knowest not with what Tom Tailer's man sits 
 
 sewing through a clout?] 
 {Crescendo) A needle, needle, a needle! My 
 
 Gammer's needle is gone! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Her needle, Hodge? Now I smell thee! That 
 
 was a chance alone! 
 By the mass, thou hadst a shameful loss if it 
 
 were but for thy breeches! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 'Od's soul, man, I should give a crown if it 
 only had three stitches! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 How sayest thou, Hodge? What should he 
 have who found thy needle again ? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Bym' father's soul, if I had it, I should give 
 him a silver chain. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Canst thou keep council in this case? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Else I would my tongue were out. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Follow thou then but my advice, and I will 
 fetch it without doubt. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I'll run, I'll ride, I'll dig, I'll delve, I'll toil, I'll 
 trudge, shalt see; 
 
 54 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 I'll hold, I'll draw, I'll pull, I'll pinch, I'll kneel 
 
 on my bare knee; 
 I'll scrape, I'll scratch, I'll sift, I'll sweat, I'll 
 
 bow, I'll bend, I'll seek, 
 I'll stoop, I'll stir, I'll cap, I'll kneel, I'll creep 
 
 on hands and feet; 
 I'll be thy bondman, Diccon, I swear by moon 
 
 and sun. 
 And have I not something to stop this gap, I 
 
 am utterly undone. 
 {Pointing behind to his torn breeches.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Why is there any special cause thou takest 
 thereat such sorrow? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Kristian Clack, Tom Simson's maid, by the 
 mass, comes hither to-morrow! 
 
 I am not able to say, between us what may 
 hap, — 
 
 She smiled on me last Sunday when I did off 
 my cap. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [Well, Hodge, this is a weighty matter and 
 
 must be kept close; 
 It might else turn to both our costs, as the 
 
 world now goes — ] 
 Shalt swear to be no blab, Hodge! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I shall, Diccon! 
 DiccoN {placing his left hand on his heart.) 
 
 Then go to! Lay thine hand here; say after 
 me as thou shall hear me do. Hast no book ? 
 
 ss 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I have no book, I! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Then needs must force us both to lay thine hand 
 upon my heart and there to take thine oath. 
 {He recites the oath line by line, and Hodge 
 speaks it after him, his left hand on his own 
 heart, his right hand on Diccon's.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 I, Hodge, breechless. 
 Swear to Diccon, richless. 
 
 By the hand that I shall kiss. 
 To keep his council close 
 And always me to dispose 
 
 To work what his pleasure is. 
 {Diccon puts his hand in Hodge's face to be kissed.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Now, Hodge, see thou take heed 
 And do as I thee bid. 
 
 For so I judge it meet; 
 This needle again to win. 
 There is no shift therein. 
 
 But conjure up a sprite. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 What, the great devil? Diccon, I say! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Yea, in good faith, that is the way — 
 Fet' with some pretty charm. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Soft, Diccon, be not too hasty yet. 
 By the mass, for I begin to sweat! 
 I am afraid of some harm ! 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 {TDiccon draws a magic circle^ making a myste- 
 rious buzzing sound as he does so.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Come hither, then, and stir thee not 
 One inch out of this circle plot, 
 But stand as I thee teach. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 And shall I be here safe from their claws? 
 • {He seeks a safe place in the circle^ 
 
 DICCON 
 
 The master devil with his long paws 
 
 Here to thee cannot reach. 
 Now will I settle me to this gear. 
 HODGE {His fear amounts almost to panic.) 
 I say, Diccon, hear me, hear! 
 
 Go softly to this matter! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 What the devil, man? Art afraid of naught? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Canst not tarry a little thought 
 Till I drink a draft of water? {Starts of.) 
 DICCON {stopping him with a shout) 
 
 Stand still to it! Why shouldest thou fear him? 
 
 HoDGE 
 
 'Od's sides, Diccon, methinks I hear him! 
 Tarry, I shall mar all! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 The matter is no worse than I told. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 By the mass, I am able no longer to hold. 
 Too bad! I must run or I fall! 
 
 57 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 DiccoN {supporting him) 
 Stand to it, Hodge! Stir not, you curst thing! 
 What the devil? Be thine heart-strings burst- 
 ing? 
 Thyself awhile but stay; 
 The devil — I smell him — will be here anon. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Hold him fast, Diccon, I am gone! I am gone! 
 
 I'll not be at that fray. 
 {Hodge breaks away from Diccon and flees into 
 Gammer's house.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Soft, leave me alone and I'll take charge 
 This matter further to enlarge 
 
 Within a time quite short. 
 If ye will mark my toes, and note, 
 I will give ye leave to cut my throat 
 
 If I make not good sport. 
 {Approaches Dame Chatte's door.) 
 Dame Chatte, I say! Where be ye? Within? 
 CHATTE {entering, she holds some cards in her 
 hand) 
 Who have we there maketh such a din ? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Here is a good fellow, maketh no great danger. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 What, Diccon? Come near, ye be no stranger! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Nay, nay, there is no tarrying, I must be gone 
 
 again; 
 But first, for you in council I have a word or 
 
 twain. 
 
 58 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Come hither, Doll! 
 
 {Doll enters, partly sober. Dame Chatte hands 
 
 her the cards with which she has been playing^ 
 
 Doll, sit down and play this game. 
 
 And, as thou sawest me do, see thou do e'en 
 
 the same. 
 There is five trumps beside the queen, the 
 
 hindmost thou shalt find her. 
 {As Doll is picking her unsteady way into house, 
 Chatte calls after her.) 
 "Take heed of Sim Glover's wife, she hath an 
 
 eye behind her!" 
 Now, Diccon, say your will. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Nay, soft a little yet! 
 
 I would not tell it my sister, the matter is so 
 
 great. 
 There I will have you swear by our dear Lady 
 
 of BuUaine, 
 S. Dunstone and S. Donnyke, with the three 
 
 Kings of KuUaine, 
 That ye shall keep it secret. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 'Od's bread, that will I do! 
 As secret as mine own thought, by Gog, and the 
 devil, too! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Here is Gammer Gurton, your neighbor, a sad 
 
 and heavy wight. 
 Her goodly fair red cock at home was stolen 
 
 this last night. 
 
 59 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 'Od's soul, her cock with the yellow legs, that 
 nightly crowed so just? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 That cock is stolen! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 What! Was he taken out of the hens' roost? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 I cannot tell where the devil he was kept under 
 
 key or lock; 
 But Tyb hath ticked in Gammer's ear that you 
 
 should steal the cock. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Have I? Fat jade! By bread and salt — 
 
 DICCON 
 
 What, soft, I say! Be still! 
 
 Say not one word for all this gear — 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 By the mass, that I will! 
 
 I will have the young wench by the head, and 
 the old trot by the throat! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Not one word. Dame Chatte, I say, not one 
 word, for my coat! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Shall such a beggar's brawl as that, thinkest 
 
 thou make me a thief? 
 The blight light on the jade's sides, a pestilence 
 
 and mischief; 
 {Crossing to Gammer's house.) 
 Come out, thou hungry, needy witch! O, that 
 
 my nails be short ! 
 60 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 'Od's bread, woman, hold your peace, this gear 
 
 will else pass sport! 
 [Did ye not swear ye would be ruled, before the 
 
 tale I told? 
 I said ye must all secrets keep and ye said sure 
 
 ye would.] 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Would you allow yourself, Diccon, such a sort 
 
 to revile you, 
 With slanderous words to blot your name, and 
 
 so to defile you? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 No, Goodwife Chatte, I would be loth such 
 
 drabs should blot my name; 
 But ye must so order all that Diccon bear no 
 
 blame. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Go to, then! Say on your mind, ye shall me 
 rule therein. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 ['Od's mercy, Dame Chatte! In faith thou must 
 the gear begin.] 
 
 It is twenty pound to a hen's tooth, my Gammer 
 will not tarry; 
 
 But hitherward she comes as fast as her legs 
 can carry. 
 
 To brawl with you about her cock; for well I 
 heard Tyb say 
 
 The cock was roasted in your house for break- 
 fast yesterday. 
 
 6i 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 > 
 
 [And, when ye had the carcass eaten, the feathers 
 
 ye out flung, 
 And Doll, your maid, the legs she hid a foot 
 
 deep in the dung.] 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Oh, gracious Gog! my heart it bursts! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Tell her your mind and spare not. 
 So shall Diccon blameless be, and then, go to, 
 I care not! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Then, drab, beware her throat! I can abide no 
 
 longer! 
 In faith, old witch, it shall be seen, which of 
 
 us two be stronger! 
 {Crossing to the left of Diccon.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [In the meanwhile get you in, and make no 
 
 words of this. 
 More of this m'atter within this hour to hear, 
 
 you shall not miss. 
 Now fare ye well! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Nay, soft, Diccon, and drink! What, Doll, 
 
 I say! 
 Bring here a cup of the best ale; 
 {Doll brings mug of ale; Chatte takes it from her 
 and gives it to Diccon.) 
 Let's see, come quickly away! 
 {Doll goes into the Inn.)] {Dame Chatte goes into 
 the Inn.) 
 
 62 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DiccoN {to the audience) 
 
 Ye see, masters, that one end tapt of this my 
 
 short device; 
 Now must we broach t' other to, before the 
 smoke arise. 
 HODGE {-poking head out of door of Gammer s house) 
 Tush, man, is Gammer's needle found? That 
 I should gladly know? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 She may thank thee, it is not found, for if thou 
 
 had kept thy standing. 
 The devil he'd have fetched it out e'en at thy 
 
 commanding. 
 HODGE {entering) 
 
 'Od's heart! and could he tell nothing where 
 
 the needle might be found? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Ye foolish dolt, ye were to seek, here had we 
 
 got our ground; 
 Therefore his tale so doubtful was that I could 
 
 not perceive it. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Then I see where something was said, I hope 
 
 one day yet to have it. 
 But Diccon, Diccon, did not the devil cry 
 
 "Ho! ho! ho!"? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 If thou hadst tarried where thou stoodst, thou 
 wouldst have said so. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Durst swear of a book, I heard him roar, straight 
 after I was gone; 
 
 63 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 But tell me Diccon, what said the knave? Let 
 me hear't anon! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 The varlet talked to me I know not well of 
 
 what; 
 One while his tongue it ran and paltered of a cat; 
 Another while he stammered still upon a rat; 
 Last of all, there was nothing but every word 
 
 "Chattel Chattel" 
 Now, whether Gyb, our cat has eaten it in her 
 
 maw, 
 Or Doctor Rat, our curate, has found it in the 
 
 straw. 
 Or this Dame Chatte, your neighbor, has stolen 
 
 it, Gog he knows. 
 But by the morrow at this time we shall learn 
 
 how the matter goes. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Can you not learn to-night, man? Don't you 
 
 see what is here? 
 {Pointing to his torn breeches) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 'Tis not possible to make it sooner appear. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Alas, Diccon, then I have no shift, but — lest I 
 
 tarry too long — 
 I'll hie me to Sim Glover's shop, there to seek 
 
 for a thong. 
 Wherewith this breech to fasten and tie up as 
 
 I may. 
 
 64 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 To-morrow, Hodge, if we chance to meet, you'll 
 
 see what I will say. 
 {Exit Hodge below the Inn.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Now this gear must forward go, for here my 
 
 Gammer comes. 
 
 {Enter Gammer Gurton.) 
 
 GAMMER {Looking for needle) 
 
 Good Lord, shal't never be my luck my needle 
 
 again to spy? 
 fAlas, the while, 'tis past my help! Where 'tis, 
 
 still it must lie! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Now, Swithin, Gammer Gurton, what drives 
 
 you to this sadness? 
 I fear me, by my conscience, you will surely 
 
 fall to madness.] 
 GAMMER {startled — sees Diccon) 
 What is that? What, Diccon? I am lost, man, 
 
 Fy! fy! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Marry, fie on them that be worthy! But what 
 should be your trouble? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Alas, the more I think on it, my sorrow it 
 
 waxes double! 
 My goodly tossing treasured needle I have lost: 
 
 I wot not where. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [Your needle when ? 
 B 6s 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 My needle, alas, I might not well spare 
 As Gog himself he knows, ne'er another one I 
 have.] 
 
 DICCON 
 
 If this be all, good Gammer, I warrant you all 
 is safe. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Why, know you any tidings which way my 
 needle has gone? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Yea, that I do, doubtless as ye shall hear anon. 
 A deal o' things this matter toucheth, within 
 
 these twenty hours — 
 Even at this gate before my face, by a neighbor 
 
 of yours. 
 She stooped her down, and up she took a needle 
 
 or a pin. 
 [I durst be sworn it was even yours, by all my 
 
 mother's kin.] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 It was my needle, Diccon, I wot, for here even 
 
 by this post, 
 [I sat, what time as I up-start, and so my 
 
 needle is lost.] 
 Who was it, dear son ? Speak, I pray thee, and 
 
 quickly tell me that! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 A subtle queen as any in this town, your neigh- 
 bor here — 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Dame Chattel 
 
 66 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 And when she took it up, even here before your 
 
 doors, 
 "What, soft. Dame Chatte," quoth I, "that 
 
 same is none of yours?" 
 "Avant," quoth she, "Sir knave! What pratest 
 
 thou of that I find?" 
 ' She walked straight into her house and I was 
 
 close behind. 
 {Crossing to Inn in imitation of Dame Chatte.) 
 [She screamed I was a knave, and you a bore 
 
 of bores. 
 Because I spoke in your behalf and said the 
 
 needle was yours.] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 'Od's bread, and thinks the callet to keep my 
 needle so? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Leave her alone, and she minds none other but 
 even to dress you so! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 By the mass, I'll rather spend the coat that is 
 
 on my back! 
 Thinks the false trot by such a slight that I'll 
 
 my needle lack ? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Do not delay, I council you; but of this take 
 good heed: 
 
 Let it not be known I told you of it, how well- 
 soever ye speed ! 
 
 67 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I'll in, Diccon, a clean apron to take and set 
 before me; 
 
 And may my needle I once see, I'll sure re- 
 member thee! 
 
 (Exit Gammer Gurton into her house.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 My Gammer sure intends to be upon her bones 
 {Indicating Dame Chatte) 
 
 With staffs or clubs or else with cobblestones. 
 Dame Chatte, on the other side, if she be far 
 
 behind, 
 I am right far deceived, she is given to it of 
 
 kind. 
 (To musicians, off-stage ^ 
 In the meantime, fellows, tune up your strings! 
 
 A tune, I say. 
 And let your friends hear such songs as ye can 
 
 play! 
 
 The Curtains Close. 
 
 ACT III 
 
 (Enter Hodge, returning from Sim Glover's.) 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Sim Glover, yet Gramercy! I am mighty well- 
 sped now. 
 
 Thou art even as good a fellow as ever kissed a 
 cow! 
 
 Here is a thong indeed; as strong as any steel — 
 68 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 And here a nail Sim Glover gave — I'll use it 
 
 for a needle. 
 {Enter Gammer.) 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 How Hodge! Mayst now be glad I have news 
 
 to tell thee. 
 I know who has my needle; I trust soon shalt 
 
 it see. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 The devil thou dost! Hast heard, Gammer, 
 indeed: or dost but jest? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 ['Tis as true as steel, Hodge. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Why, knowest well where didst lose it?] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I know who found it and took it up, shalt see 
 ere it be long. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 'Od's mother dear, if that be true, farewell 
 
 both nail and thong! 
 {He throws them away.) 
 But who has it. Gammer? Say on! I would 
 
 fain hear it disclosed. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 That false vixen, that same Dame Chatte that 
 counts herself so honest! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Who told you so? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 That same did Diccon the bedlam who saw it 
 done. 
 
 69 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Diccon? He is a vengeful knave, [Gammer; 
 
 'tis a dirty jade's son! 
 Can do more things than that, else I am ill 
 
 deceived. 
 By the mass,] I saw him of late call up a great 
 
 black devil! 
 O, the knave cried, "Ho! ho!" He roared and 
 
 he thundered, 
 [And if ye 'ad been here I am sure ye would 
 
 surely have wondered.] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Were not thou afraid, Hodge, to see him in 
 this place? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 No; and had he come to me, I should have laid 
 
 him on the face, 
 I should have promised him! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 But, Hodge, had he no horns to push? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 As long as your two arms! Saw ye never 
 
 Friar Bush, 
 Painted as a cloth, with a great long cow's tail. 
 And crooked cloven feet, and many a hooked 
 
 nail? 
 For all the world, if I should judge, I should 
 
 reckon him his brother. 
 Look, even what face Friar Bush had, the devil 
 
 had such another! 
 70 
 
GAMMER GURTQN'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Now, Gogamercy, Hodge! Did Diccon bring 
 him in? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Nay, Gammer, hear me speak; I'll tell you a 
 
 greater thing. 
 The devil, when Diccon bade him — I heard him 
 
 wondrous well — 
 Said plainly here before us that Dame Chatte 
 
 had your needle. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Then let us go and ask her wherefore she means 
 
 to keep it; 
 Seeing we know so much, 'twere a madness now 
 
 to sleep it. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Go to her. Gammer, see ye not where she sits 
 
 indoors ? 
 Bid her give you the needle — 'tis none of hers, 
 
 but yours! 
 {Gammer goes to Dame Chatte' s. Hodge follows.) 
 GAMMER {calling.) 
 
 Dame Chatte, I would pray thee fair, let me 
 
 have what is mine! 
 I have not this twenty years taken one breath 
 
 that is thine. 
 Therefore give me mine own and let me live 
 
 beside thee! 
 CHATTE {entering) 
 Why hast thou crept from home hither to mine 
 
 own doors to chide me? 
 
 71 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Hence, doting drab, avant, or I shall set thee 
 
 further! 
 Intendst thou and that knave me in my house 
 
 to murder? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Tushj gape not so on me, woman! Shalt not 
 
 yet eat me! 
 Nor all the friends thou hast in this shall not 
 
 in treat me! 
 Mine own goods, I will have, and ask thee not 
 
 by leave. 
 What woman! Poor folks must have rights, 
 
 though the thing you aggrieve. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Give thee thy rights and hang thee up with all 
 
 thy beggar's broods! 
 What, wilt thou make me a thief and say I 
 
 stole thy goods ? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I'll say nothing, I warrant thee, but that I can 
 
 prove it well — 
 Thou tookst my goods e'en from my door, I 
 
 am able this to tell! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Did I, old witch, steal what was thine? How 
 should that thing be known? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I cannot tell; but up thou took it, as though it 
 had been thine own. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Marry, fie on thee, thou old gib, with all my 
 very heart! 
 
 72 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Nay, fie on thee, thou ramp, thou rig, with all 
 that take thy part! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 A vengeance on those lips that layeth such 
 things to my charge! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 A vengeance? A vengeance on those callet's 
 hips whose conscience is so large! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Come here, dog! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Come out, hog, and let me have a right. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Thou arrant witch! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Thou bawdy witch, I'll make thee curse this 
 night! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 You bag, you wallet! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 A cart for a callet! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Why, thinkest thou thus to prevail? 
 
 I hold thee a groat I shall patch thy coat! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Thou wilt as soon steal my pail! 
 Thou blab, thou drab, thou rake, thou jade, 
 will not shame make thee bide! 
 
 73 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Thou scold, thou bold, thou rotten, thou glut- 
 ton! I will no longer chide! 
 But I will teach thee to keep home. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Wilt thou, drunken beast? 
 {They clinch.) 
 HODGE {dancing around) 
 
 Stick to her, Gammer, take her by the head, 
 
 I'll warrant you this feast! 
 Smite, I say. Gammer! Bite, I say. Gammer! 
 
 I trow ye will be keen ! 
 Where be your nails? Claw her jaw! Pummel 
 
 her red face green ! 
 'Od's bones. Gammer, hold up your head! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 I trow, drab, I shall dress thee. 
 
 {Chases Hodge.) 
 
 Tarry, thou knave, I hold thee a groat; I shall 
 
 make these hands bless thee! 
 {Smites Gammer effectively.) 
 Take thou this, old trot, for amends, and learn 
 
 thy tongue well to tame. 
 And say thou met at this bickering, not thy 
 
 fellow, but thy dame! 
 {Gammer falls down.) 
 HODGE {keeping well out of reach) 
 
 Where is the strong-armed drab? I'll give her 
 
 a horse's mark! 
 Stand out o' my way, so that I'll kill none- in 
 
 the dark! 
 
 74 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 Up, Gammer, if ye be alive! I'll fight now for 
 
 us both. 
 Come not near me, thou scold-callet, to kill 
 
 thee I were loath. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Art here again, thou hoddy-pike? What, Doll, 
 
 bring me out my spit. 
 HODGE {with Gammer's staff) 
 
 I'll break thee with this, by our father's soul, 
 
 I'll conjure that foul spirit — 
 {Doll brings spit to Chatte, who sweeps at Hodge.) 
 Hold the door, Cocke! Keep door, thou lazy 
 
 boy! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Stand to it, thou dastard, for thine ears! I'll 
 teach thee with me to toy! 
 HODGE {threatening) 
 
 'Od's wounds, trot, I'll make thee avaunt! 
 
 {Chatte concentrates attack on seat of Hodge's 
 
 trousers, bringing him to earth.) 
 HODGE {scrambling into the house "on all-fours") 
 
 Take heed, Cocke, pull in the latch! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 I, faith, sir Loose-Breech, had ye tarried, ye 
 should have found your match! 
 GAMMER {having risen unnoticed, attacks) 
 
 Now, 'ware thy throat, varlet, you'll pay for all. 
 
 {Dame Chatte falls flat, face-down.) 
 HODGE {from window) 
 
 Well said. Gammer, by my soul. 
 
 {Gammer catches Chatte by the belt and beats her 
 
 up and down.) 
 
 75 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Rouse her, souse her, bounce her, trounce her, 
 
 pull out her throat whole! 
 CHATTE {slowly ristfig on hands and knees with 
 arched back) 
 Camest behind me, thou withered witch ? When 
 
 I get up on foot 
 {Hodge, at window, hurls a cabbage with deadly 
 accuracy, bringing Chatte to earthy 
 Thou'U pay for all, thou old tarlether, I'll teach 
 
 thee what b'longs to it! 
 {Gammer is so completely lost in admiration for 
 Hodge that she is unprepared Jor Chattels attack^ 
 Take thou this to make up thy mouth till time 
 thou come by more! 
 {(Jammer falls. Exit Dame Chattel 
 HODGE {entering from house) 
 
 Up, Gammer, stand on your feet; where is the 
 
 old bore? 
 Faith, would I had her by the face, I would 
 
 crack her bawdy crown ! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Ho, Hodge, Hodge, where was thy help, when 
 
 the vixen had me down? 
 HODGE {attempts to lift Gammer through this 
 speech) 
 By the mass. Gammer, but for my stafF, Chatte 
 
 had gone nigh to spill you! 
 I think the varlet had not cared — if I had not 
 
 come— to kill you. 
 But shall we lose our needle thus? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 No, Hodge, I were loath to do so. 
 76 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 Thinkest thou I'll take that at her hand? No, 
 
 Hodge, I tell thee, no. 
 {Hodge has practically succeeded in standing 
 Gammer up, but she declaims so vigorously she 
 upsets them both.) 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I wish this fray were over and done. 
 And our own needle at home. 
 {Both are up now.) 
 
 Else 'twill be my chance some one to kill, 
 wherever it be, or whom! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 We have a parson, Hodge, thou knowest, a 
 
 man esteemed wise. 
 Master Doctor Rat, I'll send for him and ask 
 
 him his advice. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Yes, marry. Gammer, that I think best. Will 
 
 you now for him send? 
 The sooner Doctor Rat is here, the sooner we'll 
 
 have an end. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 He will shrive her for all this gear and give her 
 
 penance straight. 
 We'll have our needle, else Dame Chatte comes 
 
 ne'er in heaven's gate! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 And hear. Gammer? Diccon's devil, as I re- 
 member well. 
 
 Of cat, and Chatte and Doctor Rat a felonious 
 tale did tell. 
 
 77 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I'll have him straight! Call out the boy; v/e'll 
 make him take the pain. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I hold you forty pounds that is the way your 
 
 needle to get again! 
 What, Cocke, I say! Come out! What the 
 
 devil! Canst not hear? 
 COCKE {appearing) 
 How now, Hodge? How does. Gammer? Is 
 
 yet the weather clear? 
 {Enter Cocke) 
 What would you have me do? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Come hither, Cocke, anon! 
 
 Hence swift to Doctor Rat, hie thee that thou 
 
 were gone! {Cocke starts off L.) 
 And pray him come speak with me; I am not 
 
 well at ease. 
 Shalt find him at his chamber, or else at Mother 
 
 Bee's! 
 Else seek him at Hob Fylcher's shop, for as I 
 
 heard it reported. 
 There is the best ale in all the town, and now is 
 
 most resorted. 
 
 COCKE 
 
 And shall I bring him with me, Gammer? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Yea, by-and-by, good Cocke. 
 
 COCKE 
 
 Shalt see that he'll be here anon, else crack me 
 
 on the dock! 
 {Exit Cocke below the Inn.) 
 
 78 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Now, Gammer, shall we two go in and tarry 
 
 for his coming? 
 What the devil, woman? Pluck up your heart, 
 
 and leave off all this glumming! 
 Though she were stronger at the first, as I 
 
 think ye did find her. 
 Yet there ye drest the drunken drab each time 
 
 ye came behind her. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Nay, nay, I am sure she'll not forget, for, set 
 
 ending to beginning. 
 And I doubt not but she will make small boast 
 
 of herself winning. 
 {They go toward Gammer s house.) 
 TYB {enters, running) 
 
 See, Gammer, Gammer, Gyb, our cat. I'm 
 
 afraid that she's ailing! 
 She's gasping there behind the door, as though 
 
 her wind were failing. 
 Now I doubt what Gyb should mean that she 
 
 doth now so dote! 
 HODGE {running off and getting cat and returning) 
 Hold hither! I bet twenty pounds your needle 
 
 is in her throat! 
 Grab her, I say! Methinks I feel it. Dost 
 
 prick your hand? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I cannot feel it. 
 HODGE {feeling from head to tail) 
 
 No. I know there's not within this land 
 
 79 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 A better cat than Gyb, betwixt the Thames and 
 
 Tyne; 
 She has so much wit in her head almost as I 
 
 have in mine! 
 
 TYB 
 
 Faith, she has eaten something that will not 
 
 easily down. 
 I cannot tell whether she got it at home or 
 
 abroad in the town. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Alas, I fear it be some crooked pin! 
 And then farewell, Gyb; she's undone, and lost 
 all save the skin. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 'Tis your needle, woman, I say! 'Od's soul, 
 
 give me a knife. 
 And I'll have it out of her maw, or else- I'll lose 
 
 my life! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 What! Nay! Hodge, fie! Kill not our cat; 
 'tis all the cats we have now! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 By the mass. Dame Chatte has me so moved 
 
 I care not what I kill now! 
 Go to, then, Tyb, to this gear (giving the cat to 
 
 Tyb). Hold up her head and take her. 
 I'll see what the devil is in her throat, [I'll take 
 
 the pains to rake her! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Rake a cat, Hodge? What wouldst thou do? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 What, thinkest that I am not able? 
 80 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 Did not Tom Tankard rake his cow a-standing 
 
 in the stable?] 
 {Enter Cocke, running; gets almost to house 
 before turning.) 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Soft, be content; let's hear what news Cocke 
 brings from Master Rat. 
 COCKE {breathlessly) 
 
 Gammer, I asked the Master to come. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 And what said he, Cocke, to that? 
 
 COCKE 
 
 A cup of ale was in his hand and a crab lay in 
 
 the fire. 
 He sent me forth and said he'd come trudging 
 
 through the mire. 
 I bet a penny he'll something say your needle 
 
 to get again. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I am glad to hear so much, Cocke; and until he 
 come, within. 
 
 The Curtains Close 
 
 ACT IV 
 
 {Enter Doctor Rat below the Inn.) 
 
 rat 
 A man were better twenty times be a watch- 
 dog and bark 
 Than here among such a sort be parish priest 
 or clerk! 
 6 8i 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 I had not sit the space to drink two pots of ale 
 But Gammer Gurton's sorry boy was straight- 
 way on my trail. 
 And she was sick, and I must come, to do I 
 
 know not what! 
 If once her finger's end but ache, trudge! 
 
 call for Doctor Rat! 
 And when I come not at their call, I only 
 
 thereby lose; 
 For I am sure to lack thereby a tithe-pig or a 
 
 goose. 
 [I warrant you when truth is known, and they 
 
 have told their tale. 
 The matter whereabout I come is not worth a 
 
 pot of ale. 
 Yet must I talk so sage and smooth as though 
 
 I were delighted. 
 Else, or the year come to an end, I shall be 
 
 surely blighted.] 
 (He sees Gammer entering from house.) 
 What! work ye. Gammer Gurton? Here's 
 
 your friend the curate. Master Rat! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Oh, good Master Doctor, I have troubled you, 
 I know well that! 
 
 RAT 
 
 How do you know, woman? Be ye lusty or be 
 ye not well at ease? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 By Gab, Master, I am not sick, but yet I have 
 disease. 
 
 82 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 RAT 
 
 What is the matter? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 I've lost my needle! A drab came by and spied 
 
 it. 
 And, when I asked her for the same, the filth 
 
 flatly denied it. 
 
 RAT 
 
 What was she that — ? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 She began to scold and brawl — 
 
 Alas, alas! Come hither, Hodge! This wretch 
 
 can tell you all. 
 {Enter Hodge.) 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Good morrow, GaiFer Vicar! 
 
 RAT 
 
 Come on, fellow, let us hear. 
 Thy dame hath said to me thou knowest of all 
 this gear. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 My Gammer Gurton here^ see now. 
 
 Sat her down at this door, see now. 
 
 And as she began to bestir her, see now 
 
 Her needle fell on the floor, see now; 
 
 Then came the queen. Dame Chatte, see now. 
 
 To ask for her black cup, see now; 
 
 And even here at this gate, see now. 
 
 She took that needle up, see now. 
 
 My Gammer then she said, see now. 
 
 Her needle back to bring, see now, 
 
 And Chatte beat Gammer's head, see now, 
 
 83 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Is not this a wondrous thing, see now ? 
 When I saw this, I was wroth^ see now. 
 And started between the twain, see now; 
 Else, I durst take an oath, see now. 
 My Gammer had been slain, see now. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Help, good Master, else shall we both be beaten 
 and lose our needle too. 
 
 RAT 
 
 Tell me, that ere I be gone. What would ye 
 
 have me to do ? 
 Now be ye sure Dame Chatte hath your good 
 
 needle found? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Here comes the man that saw her take it off 
 
 the ground; 
 Ask him yourself, Master Rat, if ye believe 
 
 not me, 
 And help me to my needle, for Gog's sake and 
 
 Saint Charity. 
 {Enter Diccon Mow the Inn.) 
 
 RAT 
 
 Come here, Diccon. 
 
 Wilt thou swear Dame Chatte this woman's 
 needle had? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Nay, by S. Benit, will I not; then might ye 
 think me mad! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Why didst thou not tell me so for true? Canst 
 thou for shame deny it? 
 84 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Aye, marry. Gammer; but I said I'd abide not 
 by it. 
 
 RAT 
 
 [Will you say a thing and not stick to it to 
 try it? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 "Stick to it," quoth you. Master Rat? Marry, 
 sir, I defy it!] 
 
 RAT 
 
 Then we be never the nearer for all that you 
 can tell! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 [Yes, marry, sir, will you do by my advice and 
 
 council !] 
 If mother Chatte see us all here she knoweth 
 
 how the matter goes; 
 Therefore I say you three go hence and within 
 
 the house keep close. 
 And I will into Dame Chatte's house and see 
 
 the needle with these two eyes — 
 Whoever says the contrary, I'll swear he lies. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Now, gentle Diccon, do so; and, good sir, let 
 us trudge. 
 
 RAT 
 
 By the mass, I may not tarry long to be your 
 judge. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 ['Tis but a little while, man. What! Take so 
 
 much pain ! 
 If I hear no news of it, I'll come soon again.] 
 
 85 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Tarry so much, good Master Doctor, of your 
 gentleness ! 
 
 RAT 
 
 Then let us hie us inward; and, Diccon, speed 
 
 thy business! 
 {Exeunt into Gammer s house.) 
 {Diccon approaches Dame Chattels.) 
 
 DICCON 
 
 But, Mother Chatte, my gossip, talk first withal 
 
 I must; 
 For she must be chief captain to lay the Rat 
 
 in the dust. 
 {Enter Dame Chatte.) 
 Good day. Dame Chatte, in faith, and well met 
 
 in this place! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Good day, my friend Diccon. Whither walk 
 ye this space? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 E'en to youj Dame Chatte. Why's Hodge so 
 offended? 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Oh, in faith, I would thou hadst seen — O Lord, 
 I both upended! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 He swore by heaven and hell he would wreak 
 
 his sorrow 
 And leave you never a hen alive by eight of the 
 
 clock to-morrow. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 The knave as well dare hang himself. 
 86 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Behind your furnace or lead 
 Is there a hole where a crafty knave may creep 
 in if he need? 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Yes, by the mass, a hole broke down in these 
 two days. 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Hodge he intends this same night to slip in 
 there-a-ways. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 [O Gog, that I were sure of it ! In faith, he should 
 have his meed! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Watch well, for the knave will be there as sure 
 as is your creed.] 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 By Gog's bones when he cometh, now that I 
 
 know the matter. 
 He shall sure at the first skip to leap in scalding 
 
 water — 
 With a worse turn besides! When he will, let 
 
 him come! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 I tell you as my sister. You know what meaneth 
 
 "mum!" 
 (Exit Dame Chatte.) 
 Now lack I but my doctor to play his part 
 
 again. 
 And lo, there he cometh, peradventure, to his 
 
 pain. 
 {Enter Doctor Rat.) 
 
 87 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 RAT 
 
 What good news, Diccon, fellow? Is Mother 
 Chatte at home? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 She is, sir, and she is not, but it please her to 
 
 whom. 
 [I have done that I have done, be it worse, be 
 
 it better! 
 And Dame Chatte at her wits end I have almost 
 
 set her. 
 
 RAT 
 
 How so, I pray thee, Diccon ? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 There she sat sewing a halter or a band. 
 With no other thing save Gammer's needle in 
 
 her hand. 
 As soon as any knock, if the filth be in doubt, 
 She needs but one pufF and her candle is out. 
 Now I, sir, knowing of every door the pin. 
 Came nicely, and said no word till time I was 
 
 within; 
 And then — saw the needle, even with these two 
 
 eyes; 
 Whoever says the contrary, I will swear he lies.] 
 
 RAT 
 
 Do you bring me to a place, as the house 
 stands — 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Where ye shall take the drab with the needle 
 in her hands ? 
 
 88 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 RAT 
 
 For Gog's sake, do so, Diccon, and I will 'gage 
 
 my gown 
 To give thee a full pot of the best ale in the 
 
 town! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 See ye not what is here? — a hole wherein ye 
 
 may creep — 
 Into the house, and suddenly unawares among 
 
 them leap. 
 
 RAT 
 
 Art thou sure, Diccon, the swill-tub stands not 
 hereabout ? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 I was within myself, man, even now. There is 
 
 no doubt. 
 Go softly, make no noise, give me your foot. 
 
 Sir John ! 
 Here will I wait upon you till you come out 
 
 anon. 
 {Doctor Rat climbs into the house.) 
 {Cries off-stage.) 
 
 RAT 
 
 Help, Diccon! out, alas! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 How, my wenches! Have ye caught the fox? 
 That used to make revel among your hens 
 
 and cocks? {Exit Diccon.) 
 {Hodge comes from Gammer's house, hears the 
 yells from the Inn, and runs back.) 
 {Doctor Rat comes out in disarray.) 
 89 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 RAT 
 
 Woe worth the hour that I came here! 
 And woe worth him that wrought this gear! 
 [Whoever it wrought and first did invent it. 
 He shall, I warrant him, ere long repent it!] 
 Master Baylye, I trow, and he be worth his ears. 
 Will snaffle these murderers and all that them 
 
 bears. 
 I will surely neither bite nor sup 
 Till I fetch him hither, this matter to take up. 
 {He exits below the Inn.) 
 
 The Curtains Close 
 
 ACT V 
 
 (Stools are arranged in a semicircle between the 
 two houses. Master Baylye, Doctor Rat, and 
 Scapethrift are seated.) 
 
 BAYLYE {center) 
 
 I can perceive none other. I speak it from my 
 
 heart 
 But either ye are in all the fault or else in the 
 
 greatest part. 
 RAT {L. center) 
 Must it be counted his fault, beside all his 
 
 griefs. 
 When a poor man is spoiled and beaten among 
 
 thiefs? 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 And methinks, by your own tale, of all that ye 
 name, 
 
 90 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 If any played the thief, you were the very same. 
 [The women they did nothing, as your words 
 
 make probation. 
 But stoutly withstood your forcible invasion.] 
 If that a thief at your window to enter should 
 
 begin. 
 Would you hold forth your hand and help to 
 
 pull him in? 
 
 RAT 
 
 But I am no thief, sir, but an honest learned 
 clerk. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Yea, but who knoweth that, when he meets you 
 in the dark? 
 
 RAT 
 
 [Is not this evil enough, to have a clout upon 
 
 the brain? 
 {Showing his broken head.) 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Might it not have been your luck with a spit to 
 'ave been slain?] 
 
 RAT 
 
 Now, will you be so good, sir, as to talk with 
 
 Dame Chatte, 
 And know what she intended? I ask no more 
 
 but that. 
 BAYLYE {going to S capethrift .) 
 Let her be called, fellow. 
 {Exit Scapethrift into the Inn.) 
 She'll plead in metre or in prose, 
 
 91 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 And bid you seek your remedy; and so go wipe 
 
 your nose! 
 {Enter Chatte from the Inn, followed by Scape- 
 thrift.) 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Dame Chatte, Master Doctor said you showed 
 
 him much misorder, 
 Laying to your charge that you tried him to 
 
 murder; 
 To hear you answer hereto we have now for 
 
 you sent. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 I'll swear he's a Uar, by word and intent. 
 
 For this seven weeks with me, I am sure, he 
 
 sat not down. 
 Nay, ye have other missions, in the other end 
 
 of the town. 
 Where ye were liker to catch such a blow 
 Than anywhere else, as far as I know! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Belike then. Master Doctor, no stripe from her 
 ye got ! 
 
 RAT 
 
 Think you I am so mad that where I was beat 
 I know not? 
 
 [Will you believe this queen before you have 
 tried it? 
 
 It's not the first deed she hath done and after- 
 ward denied it.] 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 What, man, will you say I broke your head? 
 92 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 RAT 
 
 How canst thou prove the contrary? 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Nay, how provest thou that I did the deed? 
 
 RAT 
 
 Too plainly, by St. Mary! 
 
 This proof, I trow, may serve though I no word 
 
 spoke ! 
 {Showing his broken head.) 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Because thy head is broken, was it I that it 
 
 broke ? 
 I saw thee. Rat, I tell thee, not once within 
 
 this fortnight. 
 
 RAT 
 
 No, marry, thou sawest me not, but because 
 thou hadst no light. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Answer me this. Master Rat: When caught 
 you this harm of yours ? 
 
 RAT 
 
 Awhile ago, sir, Gog he knoweth, within less 
 than these two hours. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Dame Chatte, was there none with you^ — con- 
 fess, in faith — about that season? 
 
 [What, woman! Let it be what it will, 'tis 
 neither felony nor treason.] 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Yes, by my faith. Master Baylye, there was a 
 knave not far 
 
 93 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Who caught one good filip on the brow with a 
 
 door-bar — 
 And well was he worthy, as it seemed to me; 
 But what is that to this man, since this was 
 
 not he? 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Who was it, then? Let's hear! 
 
 RAT 
 
 Alas! sir, ask you that? 
 
 Is it not plain enough by the own mouth of 
 
 Dame Chatte? 
 The time agreeth, my head is broken, her tongue 
 
 does not lie; 
 Only upon a bare nay, she saith it was not I. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 No, marry, was it not indeed; ye shall hear by 
 
 this one thing: 
 This afternoon a friend of mine for goodwill 
 
 gave me a warning. 
 And bade me well look to my roost and all my 
 
 capon pens. 
 For, if I took not better heed, a knave would 
 
 have my hens; 
 [Then I, to save my goods, took so much pains 
 
 as him to watch. 
 And, as good fortune served me, it was my 
 
 chance him for to catch. 
 What strokes he bore away, or what other his 
 
 gains, 
 I know not, but sure I am he had something 
 
 for his pains !] 
 
 94 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 But knowest thou not his name? 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 I know it, but what then? 
 It was that crafty scuUion, Hodge, my Gammer 
 Gurton's man. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Call me the knave hither; he shall sure kiss the 
 
 stocks — 
 I shall teach him a lesson for filching hens or 
 
 cocks ! 
 {Exit Scapethrijt into Gammer' s housed 
 
 RAT 
 
 I marvel. Master Baylye, so bleared be your 
 
 eyes; 
 An egg is not so full of meat as she is full of lies. 
 CHATTE {chasing Rat around to R.) 
 Was Hodge not there? Look on his pate, that 
 
 shall be his witness! 
 RAT (right) 
 I would my head were half so whole, I would 
 
 seek no redress! 
 (Enter Gammer Gurton.) 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 God bless you. Gammer Gurton. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 God 'ild you, master mine! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Thou hast a knave within thy house — Hodge, 
 
 a servant of thine. 
 They tell me that busy knave is such a filching 
 
 one 
 
 95 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 That hen, pig, goods, or capon thy neighbor 
 can have none. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 By Gog, I am much amazed to hear any such 
 
 report ! 
 Hodge was not wont, I trow, to have him in 
 
 that sort. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 A thieving knave is not ahve, more filching nor 
 
 more false; 
 Many a truer man than he has hanged up by 
 
 the halse! 
 [And thou, his dame, of all his theft thou art 
 
 the sole receiver. 
 For Hodge to catch and thou to keep, I know, 
 
 thou base deceiver.] 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 [Sir reverence of your masterdom, if you could 
 
 hear me not 
 I would be so bold, for all her brags, to call her 
 
 arrant trot.] 
 If I knew Hodge as base as thou, I wish me 
 
 endless sorrow 
 If I took not the pains to hang him up before 
 
 to-morrow ! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 What have I stolen from thee or thine, thou 
 ill-favored old trot? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 A good deal more, by Gog's blest, than ever by 
 thee got! 
 
 96 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 How chance Hodge is not here? Him would I 
 fain have had! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Alas, sir, he'll be here anon; he be handled 
 too bad! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 [Master Baylye, sir, ye be not such a fool, well 
 
 I know. 
 But ye perceive by this lingering there is a pod 
 
 in the straw.] 
 {Thinking that Hodge's head was broken, and 
 that Gammer would not let him come before them.) 
 Ah! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 But I'll show you his face, I warrant thee. — Lo, 
 
 now where he is! 
 {Enter Hodge, wearing his torn breeches, and 
 covering the rent with his hands.) 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Come on, fellow! It is told me thou art a fox, 
 I wis. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I defy them all that dare it say; I am as true 
 as the best! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Were not thou taken within this hour in Dame 
 Chatte's hens' nest? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Taken there? No, master, I would not do't for 
 a houseful of gold ! 
 7 97 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Thou or the devil in thy coat, swear this I dare 
 be bold. 
 
 RAT 
 
 Swear me no swearing, queen, the devil he give 
 
 thee sorrow! 
 All is not worth a gnat thou canst swear till 
 
 to-morrow. 
 Where is the harm he hath? Show it, by 'Od's 
 
 bread ! 
 Ye beat him, with a witness; but the stripes 
 
 light on my head! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Beat me? 'Od's blessed body, I would first, I 
 
 trow, have pushed thee 
 And had my hands both been loose, callet, I 
 
 should have crushed thee! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Thou arrant knave, I trow thou knowest the 
 
 full weight of my fist; 
 I am foully deceived unless thy head and my 
 
 door-bar kissed. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Hold thy chat, drab, thou criest so loud can no 
 man else be heard. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Well, knave, had I thee alone, I would surely 
 rap thy costard. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Sir, answer me this: Is thy head whole or 
 broken ? 
 
 98 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Yea, Master Baylye, blest be every good 
 token ! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Come nearer here! 
 HODGE (going to Baylye and kneeling 
 Yea, that I dare. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 By our Lady, here is no harm. 
 
 Hodge's head is whole enough, for all Dame 
 Chatte's charm. 
 CHATTE {after feeling Hodge's head) 
 
 [By Gog's blest, however the thing he cloaks 
 or smoulders, 
 
 I know the blows he bore away either with 
 head or shoulders.] 
 
 Camest thou not, knave, within this hour creep- 
 ing into my pens. 
 
 And there was caught within my house groping 
 among my hens ? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Give my Gammer again her washical thou stole 
 away in thy lap! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Yea, Master Baylye, here is a thing you know 
 
 not of, mayhap. 
 This drab she keeps away my goods. The devil 
 
 he might her snare! 
 I pray you that I might have a right action 
 
 on her. 
 
 99 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Why, what can ye charge her withal? To say 
 so ye do not well. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Marry, a vengeance to her heart, the trot has 
 
 stolen my needle ! 
 CHATTE {crescendo) 
 Thy needle, old witch? How so? It were alms 
 
 thy skull to knock! 
 So didst thou say the other day that I had 
 
 stolen thy cock. 
 [And roasted him for my breakfast, — which 
 
 shall not be forgotten. 
 The devil pull out thy lying tongue and teeth 
 
 th,at be so rotten !] 
 GAMMER {shouting) 
 
 Give me my needle! 
 BAYLYE {yells "Silence!" stopping them.) 
 Silence! How knowest thou. Gammer, Dame 
 
 Chatte thy needle had? 
 {Chatte brings stool to front, sitting with her 
 back to the lot of them.) 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 To name you, sir, the party, I should not be 
 very glad. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 [Yea, but we must needs hear it, and therefore 
 say it boldly. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Such one as told the tale full soberly and coldly,] 
 Diccon, Master, the bedlam, I am very sure ye 
 know him. 
 
 lOO 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 A false knave, by 'Od's pity! Ye were but a 
 
 fool to trow him. 
 Told he not you that 'she stole your cock that 
 
 tide? 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 No, master, no indeed; for then he should have 
 lied! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Thy wench Tyb said thy cock was stolen, and 
 
 in my house was eaten. 
 That lying cat, alas that she is not swinged 
 
 and beaten, 
 [And yet for all my good name, it were a small 
 
 amends ! 
 I pick not this gear, hearest thou, out of my 
 
 fingers' ends;] 
 But he that heard it, told me, whom thou of 
 
 late didst name, — 
 Diccon, whom all men know, — it was the very 
 
 same. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 This is the case: You lost vour needle about 
 
 the doors. 
 And she answers again she has no cock of yours; 
 Will you say she hath your cock? 
 
 , GAMMER 
 
 No, marry, sir, that I'll not! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Will you confess her needle? 
 
 lOI 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 CHATTE {picking up stool aggressively) 
 
 Willi? No, sir, will I not! 
 
 {Swings stool around and the others topple over, 
 
 but Chatte only sits.) 
 BAYLYE {on floor) 
 
 Then there lieth all the matter — 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Soft, master, by the way! 
 
 Ye know she would do little, and she could not 
 
 say nay. 
 BAYLYE {sitting again) 
 
 [Yea, but he that made one lie about your cock 
 
 stealing 
 Will not stick to make another, when lies be in 
 
 dealing,] 
 I ween the end will prove this brawl did first 
 
 arise 
 Upon no other ground but only Diccon's lies. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Though some be lies, as you belike have spied 
 
 them. 
 Yet other some be true; by the proof I have 
 
 well tried them. 
 He told me Hodge would come, and in Hodge 
 
 came indeed; 
 But, as the matter chanced, with greater haste 
 
 than speed — 
 This truth was said, and true was found, as 
 
 truly I report. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 If Doctor Rat be not deceived, it was of an- 
 other sort. 
 
 I02 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 RAT 
 
 Did not Diccon appoint the place where thou 
 shouldst stand to meet him? 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Yes, by the mass, and, if he came, bade me not 
 stick to spit him. 
 
 RAT 
 
 He is the cause of all this brawl, the dirty, 
 
 lying lout ! 
 He said you had the needle, as I could well 
 
 find out, 
 [And set me through the back-hole creeping 
 
 upon my knees. 
 And I found the weight of your door-bar for 
 
 my reward and fees.]' 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Sir knave, make haste, Diccon were here; fetch 
 
 him wherever he be! 
 {Exit Scapethrift below Gammer's house.) 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Fie on the villain! Fie! fie! That makes us 
 then agree. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Fie on him, knave, with all my heart! Now fie! 
 and fie again! 
 
 RAT 
 
 Now "fie on him," may I best say, whom he 
 hath almost slain. 
 
 'If this cut is used reverse the first two lines of the 
 speech. 
 
 103 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Loj where he cometh at hand; belike he was 
 
 not far! 
 {Enter Diccon.) 
 Diccon, here be two or three thy company 
 
 cannot spare. 
 DICCON {just escaping Hodge's kick by leaping 
 to L.) 
 God bless you, and you may be blest, so many 
 
 all at once! 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 [Come, knave, it were good to beat thee, by 
 
 cock's bones. 
 Seest not thy handiwork? Sir Rat, can ye 
 
 forbear him ? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 A vengeance on those hands light! For my 
 hands came not near him.] 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Hast thou not made a lie or two to set these 
 two by the ears? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 What if I have? Five hundred such have I 
 
 seen within these seven years. 
 [I am sorry for nothing else but that I saw not 
 
 the sport 
 Which was between them when they met, as 
 
 they themselves report.] 
 
 RAT 
 
 [In the king's name, Master Baylye, I charge 
 you set him fast! 
 
 104 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 What, fast at cards, or fast asleep? It is the 
 thing that I did last. 
 
 RAT 
 
 Nay, fast in fetters, false varlet, according to 
 thy deeds. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Master doctor, there is no remedy; I must in- 
 
 treat your needs 
 Some other kind of punishment.] 
 
 RAT 
 
 Master Baylye, I charge you [nay,] by all 
 
 hallows ! 
 His punishment, if I may judge shall be naught 
 
 else but the gallows. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 I grant him worthy punishment, but in no wise 
 so great. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 It is a shame, I tell you plain, with such false 
 
 knaves to treat! 
 He has almost undone us all — that is as true 
 
 as steel. 
 And yet for all this great ado, I am never the 
 
 nearer my needle! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Canst thou not say anything to that, Diccon, 
 with least or most? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Yea, marry, sir, this much I can say! Well, 
 
 the needle is — lost. 
 {Chatte swings at Diccon^ who dodges and Baylye 
 gets clipped instead^ 
 
 105 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Nay, canst not thou tell which way that needle 
 may be found? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 No, by my fay, sir, though I might have an 
 hundred pound. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Well, Master Rat, you must both learn, and 
 
 teach us, to forgive. 
 Since Diccon hath confession made and is so 
 
 cleanly shrive 
 If ye to me consent, to amend this heavy 
 
 chance, 
 I will ensign him here some open kind of 
 
 penance, — 
 [On this condition: Where ye know my fee is 
 
 twenty pence; 
 For the bloodshed, I am agreed with you here 
 
 to dispense]. 
 Ye shall go quite, so that ye grant the matter 
 
 now to run 
 To end with mirth among us all, even as it was 
 
 begun. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 Say yea. Master Vicar. 
 
 RAT 
 
 My part is the worse; but since you all agree. 
 Go even to. Master Baylye — let it be so for me! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 How sayest thou, Diccon, art content this 
 shall on me depend? 
 
 1 06 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Go to, Master Baylye. Say on your mind. I 
 know ye are my friend. 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 [Then mark ye well: to recompense this thy 
 
 former action. 
 Because thou hast offended all, to make them 
 
 satisfaction,] 
 Before their faces here kneel down, and as I 
 
 shall thee teach — 
 For thou shalt take an oath on Hodge's leather 
 
 breech: 
 (Diccon kneels.) 
 First, for Master Doctor, upon pain of his 
 
 curse — 
 Where he will pay for all, thou never draw thy 
 
 purse 
 {Diccon laughs.) 
 And, when ye meet at one pot, he shall have 
 
 first pull. 
 And thou shalt never offer him the cup but it 
 
 be full. 
 {Rat laughs gleefully.) 
 To Goodwife Chatte, thou shalt be sworn, even 
 
 in the same wise. 
 If she refuse thy money once, never to offer 
 
 it twice, — 
 For Gammer Gurton's sake again, sworn shalt 
 
 thou be 
 To help her to her needle again, if it do lie in 
 
 thee. 
 
 107 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Last of all, for Hodge, the oath to scan. 
 
 Thou shalt never take him for fine gentleman. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Come on, fellow Diccon, I shall be even with 
 thee now! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 Thou wilt not stick to do this, Diccon, L trow? 
 
 DICCON 
 
 No, by my father's skin, my hand down I lay it ! 
 Look, as I have promised, I will not deny it. 
 {He gives Hodge a blow on the seat of the torn 
 breeches.) 
 HODGE {yells) 
 Gog's heart! 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 What, Hodge, doth he hurt thee or ever he 
 begin? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 He thrust me in the breeches with a bodkin or 
 
 a pin! 
 {He finds the needle.) 
 I say. Gammer, Gammer! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 How now, Hodge, how now? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 'Od's malt. Gammer Gurton! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Thou art mad, I trow! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 [Will you see! The devil. Gammer! 
 io8 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 The devil, son? God bless us! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I would I were hanged, Gammer! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Marry, see ye might dress us.] 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I have it, by the mass. Gammer. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 What? Not my needle, Hodge? 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Your needle, Gammer! Your needle! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 No, fie, dost but dodge! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I have found your needle. Gammer, here in 
 my hand be it! 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 For all the loves on earth, Hodge, let me see it! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I am sure of it, I warrant you, it goes no more 
 astray. 
 
 GAMMER 
 
 Hodge, when I speak so fair, wilt still say me 
 
 nay? 
 {Hodge gives her the needle.) 
 'Tis mine own dear needle, Hodge, truly I wot. 
 
 HODGE 
 
 Am I not a good son, Gammer? Am I not? 
 109 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 GAMMER {embracing Hodge) 
 
 Gog's blessing light on thee, hast made me 
 forever! 
 
 HODGE 
 
 I knew that I must find it else I would have 
 had it never. 
 
 CHATTE 
 
 By my troth. Gossip Gurton, I am glad as 
 
 though myself a good turn had. 
 {Embracing Gammer.) 
 
 BAYLYE 
 
 And I, in faith, am happy to see it so come forth. 
 
 RAT 
 
 I rejoice so much at it as three needles' worth! 
 
 DICCON 
 
 Gammer, say, "Gramercy, Diccon," for spring- 
 ing of the game. 
 GAMMER {patting him) 
 
 Gramercy, Diccon, twenty times! O how glad 
 
 I am. 
 {She has an idea and begins to jumble in her 
 petticoat?) 
 
 I have but a halfpenny, as far as I know, 
 {All cluster around her.) 
 And I'll not rest this night till I it bestow; 
 If ever ye love me, let us go in and drink! 
 BAYLYE {starting into the Inn, R., followed by Rat) 
 
 I am content, if the rest think as I think. 
 DICCON {arm about Hodge) 
 
 Soft, sirs, take us with you; the company shall 
 be the more! 
 
 no 
 
GAMMER GURTON'S NEEDLE 
 
 {Spanking Hodge, who leaps into the air.) 
 
 As proud comes behind, they say, as any goes 
 
 before ! 
 {All but Diccon go into the Inn.) 
 {Turning to the audience) 
 But now, my good masters, since we must be 
 
 gone 
 And leave you behind us here all alone — 
 Since at our last ending thus merry we be, 
 For Gammer Gurton's needle sake, let us have 
 
 a plaudity! 
 {He goes into the Inn.) 
 
 The Curtains Close 
 
 III 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF INFANTA 
 
 (First performance in Binghamton, New York, No- 
 vember 4, 1916; first time in New York City at the 
 Princess Theatre, December 11, 1916.) 
 
 A Page Edgar Stehli 
 
 The Infanta of Spain Nancy Winston 
 
 The Duchess on Albuquerque Judith Lowry 
 
 An Attendant Edmond Crenshaw 
 
 The Fantastic Gregory Kelly 
 
 The Chamberlain McKay Morris 
 
 The Count of Tierra Nueva Robert Cook 
 
 Scenery designed by Frank J. Zimmerer. Costumes and proper- 
 ties by Mrs. John W. Alexander, executed by the Arden Galleries. 
 Music by Harry Gilbert. 
 
 113 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 (Founded on Oscar Wilde's Story) 
 
 CHARACTERS 
 
 The Infanta of Spain 
 
 The Duchess of Albuquerque 
 
 The Count of Tierra-Nueva 
 
 The Chamberlain 
 
 The Fantastic 
 
 A Moorish Page 
 
 Another Page 
 
 The scene is the royal balcony overlooking a garden. 
 The time is the sixteenth century. 
 
 114 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 The opening of the curtains discloses a balcony 
 overlooking a garden. The grim stone arch frames 
 a brilliant sky. Gay flowers and a few white roses 
 cover the railing. A bit of gaudy awning which 
 can be lowered over the arch flutters in the breeze. 
 At the right is a large mirror so draped that the 
 dull, black hangings can be lowered to cover the 
 mirror entirely. The hangings are of velvet, 
 powdered with suns and stars. At the left similar 
 hangings adorn a doorway. There are rich floor 
 coverings and several formal chairs. 
 
 A moorish attendant in black and yellow livery 
 enters and arranges the chairs, and stands at 
 attention. 
 
 The Infanta enters, followed by the Duchess of 
 Albuquerque. The Infanta is dressed in gray 
 brocade, very, very stifl and stately. She is 
 small, with reddish hair and a settled air of self- 
 possession and formality. Occasionally her eyes 
 twinkle and her feet suggest her childishness, but 
 she soon recovers herself under the watchful eye 
 of the Camerera, and she never really forgets that 
 she is the Infanta of Spain. 
 
 The Infanta bows, if the slight inclination of her 
 head can be called bowing, to the Moorish attendant. 
 The Duchess also inclines her head and stands in 
 the doorway. 
 
 IIS 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I would be alone. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness — 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I would be alone. 
 
 {The Duchess turns in the doorway and speaks to 
 
 those behind her) 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Her Highness would be alone. 
 {Then to the Infanta) 
 This is unheard of. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 My birthday is rare enough to be almost un- 
 heard of, your Grace of Albuquerque. I would 
 be alone on my birthday — and Tm going to be 
 alone! 
 
 {Then to the attendant) 
 You may go! . . . But wait . . . 
 (.S*^^ stands admiringly before the mirror^ 
 Hold back the curtain. 
 {The attendant lifts the curtain.) 
 {She preens herself.) 
 
 Why do I not look so well in my own suite? See 
 how wonderful this is here. Look at the gold in 
 my hair. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 That is vanity, your Highness. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Can I not admire myself on my birthday? 
 Have I so many birthdays that I must live 
 them as I live every other day? 
 Ii6 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 What is wickedness on other days is also 
 wickedness on your birthday. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 {Taking a white rose from the balustrade and 
 
 trying it in her hair and at her waist.) 
 
 See — see — I like it here. 
 
 {The Duchess, outraged, speaks to the attendant.) 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 You may go. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Noj no — stay — draw the curtains across the 
 mirror ! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 What will your father say? 
 
 {The Infanta is quite beside her little self.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Draw the curtains across the mirror and hide 
 me from myself as those curtains hide my dead 
 mother's room! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Please— 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I have spoken, your Grace. The curtains are 
 to be drawn. We shall have no mirror to-day. 
 {The attendant closes the curtain.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 You may go! 
 
 {The attendant exits.) 
 
 {The Infanta goes to the balustrade and looks into 
 
 the gardens below.) 
 
 117 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 [The Duchess, quite at a loss what to do, finally 
 crosses to the Infanta^ 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness, I •am compelled to remonstrate 
 with you. What will his Majesty, your father, 
 say? 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 My father will say nothing. He does not seem 
 to care. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Oh— Oh— Oh— 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 And my uncle wishes that I were dead. . . . 
 No one cares. I have to be a queen all the time, 
 and I can never be a little girl like the little girl 
 I saw in Valladolid. She just played . . . 
 and no one corrected her every moment. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 You play with the finest dolls in the world. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 But I do not have mud like hers! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Mud! 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I'd like to smear my face! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Oh! 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 And I'd like to climb a tree! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Oh, your Highness, you fill me with horror! 
 You forget that you are the daughter of a king! 
 ii8 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Well, it's my birthday — and I'm tired of being 
 a wooden body. 
 
 {She seats herself most unmaiestically on the 
 footstool.) 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Such wickedness! I shall have to call the 
 Grand Inquisitor. There is a devil in you! 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Call him! I'll rumple my hair at him. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 He'll forbid you to enjoy your birthday. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 What is it for my birthday — the same old 
 
 Story. 
 DUCHESS {mysteriously) 
 
 Who knows? 
 INFANTA {not SO surely) 
 
 When I was ten, they had dancing in the garden, 
 
 but I could not go amongst the little girls. 
 
 They played and I looked on, 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 An Infanta of the house of Aragon must not 
 play with children. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 And when I was eleven they had dancing in 
 the garden and a shaggy bear and some Barbary 
 apes; but I could only sit here. I couldn't touch 
 the bear, even when he smiled at me. And 
 when one of the apes climbed to this balus- 
 trade, you drew me away. 
 119 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Such animals are very dangerous, your High- 
 ness. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 And here I am — twelve years old to-day — and 
 still I must stay up here like a prisoner. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness is very ill-tempered to-day. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I do not care. I do not want to be an Infanta. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 You are the daughter of Ferdinand, by grace 
 of God, King of Spain! 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Will my father come to me to-day? And will 
 he smile? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 This is all for you alone. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Will not my sad father then come to me to- 
 day? And will he not smile? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 He will see you after the surprise. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 A surprise ?. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Yes, your Highness. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 What is it? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 I can not tell. 
 
 I20 
 
T3 
 
 C 
 
 C 
 ■3 
 
 U 
 
 CI. 
 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 If I guess? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Perhaps. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 It's hobby horses! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 No. 
 
 {They almost forget their royalty.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 It's an African juggler with two green and gold 
 snakes in a red basket. 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 No. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 In a blue basket? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 No. 
 INFANTA {ecstatically) 
 Three snakes? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Not at all. 
 
 INFANTA {dully) 
 
 Is it a sermon by the Grand Inquisitor? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 No. 
 INFANTA {with new hope) 
 
 Is it a troupe of Egyptians with tambourines 
 and zithers? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 No. 
 
 121 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Is it something I've never seen before? 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Never in the palace. 
 INFANTA {screaming) 
 It's a fantastic! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Who knows? 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Oh, it's a fantastic. It's a fantastic! 
 
 {She dances about.) 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness forgets herself. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 It's a fantastic! It's a fantastic! 
 {She suddenly regains her poise.) 
 Where is my cousin, the Count of Tierra- 
 Nueva? I shall tell him that I am to be enter- 
 tained on my birthday by a fantastic. And I 
 shall let him come here to see it. 
 {The Moorish attendant steps inside the door and 
 holds the curtain aside.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Your Grace, inform the Chamberlain that I 
 shall have the fantastic dance for me in my 
 balcony. The sun in the garden hurts my eyes. 
 Besides, I want to touch his back. 
 {She goes out, every inch a queen.) 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 She has guessed. Tell the Chamberlain to send 
 the fantastic here. 
 
 122 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 ATTENDANT 
 
 The fantastic is waiting in the ante-chamber, 
 
 your Grace. 
 
 {The Duchess exits after the Infanta.) 
 
 {The Attendant crosses to ante-chamber^ 
 
 ATTENDANT 
 
 Her Grace, the Duchess of Albuquerque, bids 
 you enter. Inform the Chamberlain that her 
 Highness, the Infanta, is ready for the dance. 
 {The Fantastic and an Attendant enter. The 
 Fantastic is a hunch-back, with a huge mane of 
 black hair and a bright face that shows no trace 
 of beauty y but ^eat light and wonder^ 
 {The Fantastic looks about the balcony. It is all 
 so strange to him. As he goes about touching the 
 things in the place the Attendant follows him 
 closely, watching him with eagle eyes. As the 
 boy nears the mirror and lays his hand upon the 
 black velvet hangings the Attendant steps in front 
 of him and prevents his opening the curtains. 
 The little boy then sits — a very small, misshapen 
 little creature — on the steps of the balcony. 
 {The Chamberlain enters. He is a middle-aged 
 man, with some tenderness left in his somewhat 
 immobile face, and when he addresses the little 
 boy there is a note of pathos that is almost in- 
 definable^ 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Little grotesque, you are to see the King's 
 daughter ! 
 FANTASTIC {almost overcome) 
 Where is she? 
 
 123 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Come now, you must not be afraid. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I have never seen a king's daughter. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You must smile. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Is she very big — and all bright and shiny? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Smile! You did not have such a long face yes- 
 terday. That is why we bought you. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Will she smile upon me? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You must make her smile. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Will she beat me if I do not make her smile ? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You shall be beaten if you displease her. This 
 is her Highness's birthday. And you are to 
 dance for her to make her happy. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I have never danced for a king's daughter 
 before. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You must dance bravely before her as you 
 danced when we found you in the woods yes- 
 terday. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I am afraid of the king's daughter. 
 124 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 We cannot have fear on the Infanta's birthday. 
 We must have happiness. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I wish my father had not sold me. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Your father was very poor, and he wanted you 
 to make the Infanta happy. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 My father did not care for me. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You shall make the Infanta happy. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 If you had a son would you sell him ? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You were sold to the Infanta. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Have you a son ? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 No. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 My father had seven sons. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 I had a little boy once. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 And did you sell him? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 No. He went away. . . . He died. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Could he make the Infanta smile? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 I think he could. 
 
 125 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Did he dance for her? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 No, he rode a hobby-horse In the mock bull 
 fight. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 What is a hobby-horse? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 A hobby-horse is a make-believe horse — like the 
 stick that you ride through the woods. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Oh, can't I ride a hobby-horse in a bull fight? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Some time. ... If you make the Infanta 
 happy on her birthday I'll give you a hobby- 
 horse. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Can I ride it to-day^for her? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 No. You'll have to dance for her. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Is she terrible? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Not if you are good. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I think — I'm afraid. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Afraid? You were not afraid of the woods. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 They would not hurt me. I did not have to 
 make them smile. 
 
 126 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 What will you do when you see the Infanta? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I don't know. That man who dressed me up 
 said I must smile and bow. My smile was very 
 funny, he said, and my bow was funnier. I 
 didn't try to be funny. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Some boys are funny even when they don't try 
 to be. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I don't feel funny. I just feel happy, and when 
 I am happy people laugh. . . . Did she 
 smile upon your son when he rode the hobby- 
 horse? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 She threw a rose to him. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Do you think she'll throw a rose to me? I like 
 roses. . . . Am I like your son? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 My son was tall. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I would be tall and strong, too; but I broke my 
 back, and my brothers say I am very crooked. 
 . . , I do not know. ... I am not as 
 strong as they are, but I can dance and some- 
 times I sing, too. ... I make up my songs 
 as I go along. And they are good songs, too, I 
 know, because I've heard them. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 How did you hear them, Senor Merry-Face? 
 127 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Someone sang them back to me. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 A little girl, perhaps? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Someone. . . . When I sang in the valley 
 she would mock me. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Who was it? . . . Tell me. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 It was Echo. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Echo? And does she live near your house? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 She lives in the hills — and sometimes she used 
 to come into the woods when it was very still. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Did you ever see Echo? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 No. You can't see her. . . . You can only 
 hear her. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Would you like to see her? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I always wonder if Echo might not mock my 
 face as she mocks my voice? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Who knows? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I go into the hills and I sing a song and then 
 Echo sings back to me — just as I sing. . . . 
 128 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 But when I go into the woods Echo doesn't 
 stand in front of me — just as I look, 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Haven't you ever seen yourself? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Noj but I would like to. I always make people 
 happy when they look at me. They always 
 laugh. Would I laugh if Echo mocked mv face? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 I do not know. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Am I really happy looking? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 You are a fantastic. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 That sounds happy. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 I hope it always will be. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Have you ever seen yourself? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Yes. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Did your son see himself? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Yes. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Where? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 In a mirror. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Is that Echo's other name? 
 ' 129 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Yes. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Can I see myself sometime ? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Yes. 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I'll sing, too. 
 
 {The Attendant enters^ 
 
 ATTENDANT 
 
 Her Royal Highness, the Infanta of Spain ! 
 {J^he Fantastic is very much frightened.) 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Go behind the door there. . . . Wait. . . . 
 Be brave. . . . Smile. . , . And do not 
 speak until you are asked to. 
 {The Infanta enters sedately, followed by the 
 Duchess and the Count of Tierra-Nueva, an un- 
 pleasant-looking boy of sixteen.) 
 {The Chamberlain bows very low and kisses the 
 Infanta's stiffly projffered hand.) 
 INFANTA {regally) 
 
 My lord Chamberlain, this is our royal birthday, 
 and in accord with the wish of our father, the 
 King of Spain, we are to be entertained with 
 some mirthful sport {Suddenly a little girl.) 
 — and I know what it is. It's a fantastic. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Your Highness, it is the pleasure of the Cham- 
 berlain to His Majesty, your father, the King of 
 Spain, to offer my felicitations this day on which 
 God has deigned to send happiness and good 
 130 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 fortune to Spain in your royal person. His 
 Majesty the King through me desired to sur- 
 prise you with mirth this day. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Is our royal father well? And does he smile 
 to-day? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 His Majesty does not smile, your Highness. 
 He cannot smile in his great grief. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Let the surprise be brought to us. But I 
 
 guessed what it was! ... It must be very 
 
 ugly and very crooked and very, very funny to 
 
 look at — or we shall be highly displeased. 
 
 {She settles into her royal place and takes on a 
 
 manner^ 
 
 {The Fantastic, having been summoned by the 
 
 page, barely enters the door.) 
 
 {The Infanta, looking royally straight before her, 
 
 does not turn her head.) 
 
 {After a moment.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Well? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Here is the surprise, your Highness. 
 {The Fantastic is the picture of grotesque misery. 
 He looks first at the Chamberlain and then at the 
 Infanta. Finally she turns to him, and he tries 
 a timid smile and an awkward bow.) 
 {The Infanta claps her little hands and laughs in 
 sheer delight^ 
 
 {The Fantastic looks desperately at the Cham- 
 berlain?) 
 
 131 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Go on. . . . Isn't he funny! 
 CHAMBERLAIN {to Fantastic) 
 
 Bow again and then begin to dance. 
 FANTASTIC {joyfuUy) 
 
 She is only a little girl, and I've made her 
 
 happy! 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 What will you dance, Seiior Merry-Face? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I'll dance the one I made up and no one ever 
 saw or heard it except Echo. It's the dance of 
 the autumn leaf. I'll show you what the 
 autumn leaves do and I'll tell you what they say. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 How do you know, you comic little beast? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I know because I live in the woods, up in the 
 hills, and I dance with the leaves — and I have 
 two pet wood-pigeons. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Where is the music? 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I sing — it's happier that way. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Dance! Dance! 
 
 {The Fantastic bows in an absurdly grotesque 
 
 way — his idea of stateliness and grace?) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I've never seen such a monstrous fantastic. 
 132 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 COUNT 
 
 We must touch his back before he goes — for 
 good luck. 
 
 {The Fantastic begins to sing and dance The 
 Song of the Autumn Leaf.) 
 FANTASTIC {singing) 
 
 All summer long 
 
 I cling to the tree. 
 
 Merrily, merrily! 
 
 The winds play and play. 
 
 But I cling to the tree, 
 
 Merrily, merrily! 
 
 The summer sun 
 
 Is hot and gold. 
 
 Cheerily, cheerily. 
 
 But I hang on 
 
 In the August heat, 
 
 Wearily, wearily! 
 
 I am not free. 
 
 For I have to hang 
 • Wearily, wearily! 
 
 Until autumn frosts 
 
 Release my grasp. 
 
 Cheerily, cheerily! 
 
 Then I'm free. 
 
 All crumpled and brown 
 
 Merrily, merrily! 
 
 I roll and I blow 
 
 Up and around, 
 
 Merrily, merrily! 
 
 All crumpled and brown 
 
 In my autumn coat, 
 
 133 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 I dance in the wind, 
 
 I hide in the rain. 
 
 Dancing and blowing 
 
 And waiting for winter. 
 
 Cheerily, cheerily. 
 
 Merrily, merrily. 
 
 Wearily, wearily. 
 {He falls like a dead leaf onto the floor ^ 
 {The Infanta is delighted.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I'm going to throw him a rose! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness! 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 See — like the court ladies to CafFarelli, the 
 treble. 
 
 {The Fantastic has risen and bowed in his gro- 
 tesque way.) 
 
 {The Infanta tosses the rose to him.) 
 {He takes it up andy bowing absurdly, presses it 
 to his lips.) 
 DUCHESS {who has never smiled) 
 
 Your Highness, you must prepare for your birth- 
 day feast. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Oh, let him dance again! The same dance! 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Think of the birthday feast, your Highness. 
 Your father, the King of Spain; your uncle, the 
 Grand Inquisitor; the noble children. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Once more! 
 
 134 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness, you must see the huge birth- 
 day cake with your initials on it in painted 
 sugar — and a silver flag. . . . 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Very well. He can dance again after my siesta. 
 . . . My cousin, I trust that you will see the 
 next dance. 
 
 COUNT 
 
 I'll ride a hobby-horse and he'll be the bull. 
 It will be very funny with such a funny bull. 
 {He kisses her hand and exits the opposite way.) 
 {The Infanta, followed by the Duchess, exits, and 
 as she goes she looks once more at the Fantastic 
 and breaks into a laugh?) 
 
 {The Fantastic is delighted and stands looking 
 after her.) 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Come! 
 FANTASTIC {putting out Ms hand) 
 I think she liked me. 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 The Infanta of Spain is the daughter of the 
 
 King of Spain. You have made her smile. 
 
 Come! 
 
 {They go out.) 
 
 {The Attendant crosses and closes the awning. 
 
 He draws the curtains from the mirror and preens 
 
 himself a bit, looking now and then until he 
 
 disappears^ 
 
 {A sunbeam coming through the fluttering awning, 
 
 135 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 strikes the mirror, and reflects onto the tesselated 
 floor.) 
 
 {There is a short intermezzo. Far-a-way harps 
 and violins echo the Fantastic's little song.) 
 {The Fantastic enters furtively, looking about. 
 He takes the rose from his bosom.) 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I think I'll ask her to come away with me when 
 I've finished my dance. 
 
 {He crosses to her door and listens. Then smiles 
 and skips a step or two. He sees the sunbeam 
 through the awning and goes to it. He again takes 
 the rose from his coat and holds it in the sunlight. 
 Again he dances to the door and listens, then he 
 turns facing the mirror for the first time. He 
 breaks into a smile, but first hides the rose hastily. 
 He waves his hand.) 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 Good morrow! . . . You are very funny! 
 . . . You are very crooked! . . . Don't 
 look that way! . . . Why do you frown at 
 me? . . . Can't you talk? . . . You only 
 move your lips. . . . Oh, you funny little 
 boy! 
 
 {He puts his hands on his sides and breaks into 
 a great laugh.) 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 If you could see yourself, you'd laugh still more. 
 {He makes a mocking bow and breaks into shouts. 
 He plays before the mirror. The mockery is too 
 clever.) 
 
 136 
 
The Duchess of Albuquerque 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 You mock me, you little beast! . . . Stop it! 
 Speak to me. . . , You make me afraid. 
 . . . Like night in the forest. 
 {He has never known anything like this. He is 
 in turn enraged, terrified.) 
 
 {He runs forward and puts out his hand. He 
 rubs his hand over the face of the mirror and 
 the cold, hard surface mystifies him. He brushes 
 the hair from his eyes. He makes faces. He re- 
 treats. He looks about the room. He sees every- 
 thing repeated in the mirror — the awning, the 
 chairs, the sunbeam on the floor ^ 
 FANTASTIC {calling 
 Echo! 
 
 {fie strains for an answer. He hides behind a 
 chair. He makes a plan?} 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 I know, miserable little monster. You shan't 
 
 mock me. 
 
 {He takes the rose from his coat.) 
 
 FANTASTIC 
 
 She gave me this rose. It is the only one in 
 the world. . . . She gave it to me — to me. 
 {He emerges from behind the chair and holds out 
 the rose. With a dry sob he shrinks away and, 
 fascinated, stares at the mirror. He compares 
 the rose, petal by petal, terror and rage rising in 
 him. He kisses it and presses it to his heart. 
 Suddenly he rushes to the mirror with a cry. He 
 touches the glass again, then with a cry of despair 
 he hurls himself sobbing on the floor. Once more 
 
 137 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 he looks upon the picture and then, covering his 
 face with his hands, he crawls away like a wounded 
 animal lies moaning in the shadow and beating 
 the ground with his impotent hands.) 
 {The Infanta enters, followed by the Count. At 
 the sight of the Fantastic the Infanta stops and 
 breaks into a laugh.) 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 His dancing was funny, but his acting is funnier 
 still. Indeed he is almost as good as the pup- 
 pets. 
 
 (His sobs grow fainter and fainter. He drags 
 himself toward the door, trying to hide his face. 
 Then with a sudden gasp he clutches his side and 
 falls back across the step and lies quite still.) 
 {The Infanta waits a moment^ 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 That is capital; it would make even my father, 
 the King of Spain, smile. . . . But now you 
 must dance for me: 
 
 Cheerily, cheerily! 
 
 Merrily, merrily ! 
 
 Wearily, wearily! 
 
 COUNT 
 
 Yes, you must get up and dance and then we'll 
 have a bull fight and I'll kill you. 
 {J'he Fantastic does not answer^ 
 INFANTA {stamping her foot) 
 
 My funny little fantastic is sulking. You must 
 wake him up and tell him to dance for me. 
 
 COUNT 
 
 You must dance, little monster, you must dance. 
 138 
 
THE BIRTHDAY OF THE INFANTA 
 
 The Infanta of Spain and the Indies wishes to 
 
 be amused. 
 
 {Then to a page) 
 
 A whipping master should be sent for. 
 
 {The page goes out.) 
 
 COUNT 
 
 Let's touch his back {as the children touch his 
 hump) and make a wish. 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 I wish he would dance. 
 
 {Enter the Chamberlain and the Duchess.) 
 
 DUCHESS 
 
 Your Highness ! 
 
 INFANTA 
 
 Make him dance or I shall have him flogged. 
 {The Chamberlain rushes to the body. He kneels. 
 Feels the heart — sees the sunbeam and the exposed 
 mirror — shrugs his shoulders — rises.) 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Mi bella Princess, your funny little fantastic 
 will never dance again. 
 INFANTA {laughing) 
 
 But why will he not dance again? 
 
 CHAMBERLAIN 
 
 Because his heart is broken. 
 INFANTA {thinks a moment, then frowns) 
 
 For the future let those who come to play with 
 
 me have no hearts. 
 
 {She passes out, not deigning to look back, every 
 
 inch the queen — the disappointed, lonely, shut-in 
 
 little queen.) 
 
 {The others follow her properly according to rank; 
 
 139 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 but the Chamberlain^ remembering a little boy 
 who would ride hobby-horses no more in mock 
 bull fights, returns and throws the Infanta's 
 mantilla over the little warped body. It is a 
 moment of glory. The Chamberlain again starts 
 to follow his Mistress; but memory is stronger 
 than etiquette. He goes to the Fantastic and takes 
 up the little hand which clutches something pre- 
 cious. He opens the fingers and finds the rose. 
 He holds it out and lets the petals flutter to the 
 floor. That is all.) 
 
 The Curtains Close 
 
 140 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
MURAT THEATRE, INDIANAPOLIS, JUNE 24 
 
 THE FIRST PERFORMANCE OF 
 
 SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 A Play in One Act 
 (A Sequel to Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil) 
 
 Prologue to the Performance . . Tom Powers 
 
 The Prologue Edwin Noel 
 
 The Device-Bearer James Morgan 
 
 You-iN- the- Audience You and Others 
 
 The Population Aldrich Bowker 
 
 The Soldiery John Wray 
 
 The Mime Oscar Davisson 
 
 The Milkmaid Helen Burch 
 
 The Blindman Walter Vonnegut 
 
 The Ballad-Singer Stuart Walker 
 
 The King's Trumpeter Oakley Richey 
 
 His Majesty, The King' George Somnes 
 
 The King's Councillor Robert McGroarty 
 
 The King's Great Aunt Elizabeth Patterson 
 
 The Headsman McKay Morris 
 
 Her Majesty, The Queen Judith Lowry 
 
 Sir David Little-Boy Robert Masters 
 
 His Mother Blanche Yurka 
 
 Scenery designed by Stuart Walker and Oakley Richey. Cos- 
 tumes by Frank J. Zimmerer and Wilmot Heitland. Properties by 
 Frank J. Zimmerer. 
 
 142 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 A PLAY IN ONE ACT 
 
 A Sequel to Six Who Pass While the 
 Lentils Boil 
 
 An Outline of Six Who Pass While the 
 Lentils Boil 
 
 While the Boy watches boiling lentils for his Mother, 
 six people pass: The condemned ^ueen, whom he 
 promises to hide until after the hour set for her 
 decapitation; the Mime, who tempts him to leave 
 his duty; the Milkmaid, who tells him of the 
 reward offered for the ^ueen and makes him wish 
 he had not made a promise; the Blindman, who 
 shows him why it is best to keep a promise; the 
 Ballad Singer, who would rather wander all his 
 life than break a promise, and the dreadful 
 Headsman who, outwitted by the Boy, finds the 
 ^ueen too late. Her Majesty gratefully knights 
 Sir David Little-Boy and takes him in state to 
 the King's castle. He is free to go, because by 
 this time the lentils have boiled. He has done his 
 duty and he has kept his promise. 
 
 143 
 
CHARACTERS 
 
 The Prologue 
 The Device-Bearer 
 You IN the Audience 
 The Population 
 The Soldiery 
 The Mime 
 The Milkmaid 
 The Blindman 
 The Ballad-Singer 
 The King's Trumpeter 
 His Majesty, the King 
 The King's Councillor 
 Her Highness, the King's Great- 
 Aunt 
 The Headsman 
 Her Majesty, the Queen 
 Sir David Little-Boy 
 His Mother 
 
 The scene is a gateway to the King's Castle. 
 The time is when you will. 
 
 144 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 {The Prologue and the Device-Bearer enter ^ 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 I am the Prologue. He is the Device-Bearer. 
 I am here to tell you about the play that hides 
 behind these curtains. He serves the simple 
 purpose of balancing me as a decoration. 
 (The Prologue claps his hands and the Device- 
 Bearer sits at the side of the stage and henceforth 
 is nothing more than a small part of the picture?) 
 It is possible that something difficult may creep 
 into this simple play. If there is anything you 
 do not understand I shall be glad to explain it 
 to you. 
 YOU {in audience^ 
 
 While the play is going* on? 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Of course. 
 
 YOU 
 
 That will be disturbing. 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Why? If one must talk in the theater every- 
 body ought to be allowed to hear. 
 Now the interesting thing about this play is 
 that it isn't true at all. It is all make-believe. 
 Nobody in it ever was, and, unless you do your 
 part, no one in it ever will be. 
 
 YOU 
 
 What can we do? 
 10 145 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Believe, 
 you 
 
 I can't believe what isn't real. 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Then make it real. . . . Here are the cur- 
 tains. They divide you and them. . . . You 
 are real, perhaps, and they are make-believe, 
 surely. When these curtains open will you 
 come here, shall they go there, or will you, both 
 you and they, forget everything except the 
 play? 
 
 So, remove your hats, dear ladies, fix your hair 
 once and for all. Clear your throats, you 
 husky men, and cough now, for the play be- 
 gins. Amongst you there are some so young, 
 so eternally young, that they will soon be lost 
 in the story. Do not disturb them if you have 
 forgotten how to play. So, remove your hats, 
 dear ladies, fix your hair for good and all. 
 Clear your throats, you husky men, and cough 
 now. See, the play begins. 
 {He claps his hands and the curtains opeUy dis- 
 closing the scene.) 
 
 This play is the story of what happens when 
 one is guilty of a breach of etiquette. 
 
 YOU 
 
 What is etiquette? 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Etiquette? Why, etiquette is living according 
 to rules made by people who have never smiled. 
 
 146 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 . . . We are now outside the King's Palace. 
 . . . This is a gate. Through this the King 
 and the King's Great-Aunt will come. The 
 King will sit here, and the King's Great-Aunt 
 will sit here. . . . This is the Headsman's 
 block, and here the lovely Queen is to be be- 
 headed before the clocks strike twelve at mid- 
 day, a half an hour from now. 
 
 YOU 
 
 Where is it? 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Who can tell what country? I wish I knew. 
 . . . Are you ready? . . • Quiet, then. 
 . . . Here comes the Population; and here 
 the Soldiery. 
 
 {The Prologue sits atihe side of the curtains oppo- 
 site the Device-Bearer^ 
 
 {The Population enters from one side of the 
 stage, the Soldiery from the other; the former 
 carries a bit of bread; the latter a lance and a 
 silken cord.) 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Good-morning, Soldiery. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Good-morning, Population. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I've come to see the beheading. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 You're early. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I brought my lunch. I want to see it all. 
 147 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 That's good. Now help me stretch the ropes 
 to keep the Population back. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Why stretch the ropes to keep the Population 
 back? 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 It is the law. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I'm the Population, and I promise that I'll 
 stay back. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 The Soldiery has always stretched the ropes to 
 
 hold the Population back. I shan't stop it 
 
 now, whether you number one or thousands. 
 
 Here, take this end and stretch the rope. 
 
 {He sets his lance against the block, and he and 
 
 the Population stretch the rope, laying it very 
 
 carefully on the ground in a half-circle.) 
 SOLDIERY {taking up his lance and assuming a 
 
 professional pose, bellows) 
 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 
 death. Do you hear? 
 POPULATION {obsequiously, kneeling) 
 
 Yes, sir. 
 SOLDIERY {setting down his lance and assuming a 
 
 human tone) 
 
 Thank you for your help. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 That's all right. 
 
 {He offers the Soldiery a crust of bread, which is 
 
 gratefully accepted^ 
 
 148 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 {Indeed, the Soldiery is a very excellent and 
 human person, and his fierce attitude with the 
 lance and his bellowing are merely official, like a 
 uniform, and as easily removed. But the Sol- 
 diery has associated bellowing with taking up his 
 lance so long that he is wholly automatic now, as 
 he should be.) 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Who are they beheading? 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 What did you say? 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I said, "Who are they beheading?" 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Whom? 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Yes, who? 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 You mustn't say "Who are they beheading?" 
 You must say "Whom are they beheading?" 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Nonsense. You don't say "Whom are you," 
 do you? 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Certainly not, but you ought to say "Whom 
 are they beheading?" 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Well, you can — 
 SOLDIERY {taking up his lance, bellows) 
 You say "Whom are they beheading!" 
 149 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 All right, if you are going to resort to force: 
 Whom are they beheading? 
 SOLDIERY {putting his lance down) 
 I don't know. That's the Headsman's business. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I heard it was the Queen. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 yiaybe. I wish it was the King's Great-Aunt. 
 {The Mime and the Milkmaid enter ^ 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Is the King's Great-Aunt very old? 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 She's very old and very meddlesome. She's 
 into everything, and she knows every law that's 
 ever passed, and she holds us to them. 
 {^he Mime steps forward^ 
 
 MIME 
 
 Is this — 
 SOLDIERY {seeing him and the Milkmaid for the first 
 time, leaps for his lance and, assuming his pro- 
 fessional pose, bellows) 
 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 death! Do you hear? 
 {There is no answer.) 
 {Bellows again) 
 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 death! Do you hear? 
 
 {There is no answer. The Soldiery looks appeal- 
 ingly at the Population) 
 Do you hear? 
 
 150 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 {Again no answer, and again an appeal to the 
 Population) 
 Do you hear? 
 POPULATION {to the Milkmaid) 
 Say "YeSj sir." 
 
 MIME AND MILKMAID 
 
 YeSj sir. 
 SOLDIERY {putting down his lance) 
 Why didn't you answer me the first time? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 I didn't know you wanted me to. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Well, I did. 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 But you shouted so loud I thought you weren't 
 talking to anybody in particular. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 It's the law. 
 MIME {to the Population) 
 
 Some laws are funny, don't you think? 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I don't know. A law's a law, and I'm the Pop- 
 ulation, and a law is for the Population. 
 
 MIME 
 
 And now we know! 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Who are you? 
 
 MIME 
 
 I'm a mime. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 What's a mime? 
 
 151 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 MIME 
 
 A mime's a mime. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 What's a mime? 
 
 MIME 
 
 A mime's a mountebank. 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 And what's a mountebank? 
 
 MIME 
 
 A mountebank's a strolling player. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Are you going to perform for us? 
 
 MIME 
 
 After the decapitation. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 What's your name? 
 MIME (/« action) 
 
 Ho, for Jack the Juggler! Would you miss him ? 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 We know all the rest of that. 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 You must let him finish. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 What's the use? 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Let's have it. Jack. 
 
 MIME 
 
 How can I when you do not let me make my 
 speech ? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 Go on, we'll let you finish. 
 152 
 
Sir David and His Mother 
 
 The King, the Queen, and Sir David 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 MIME 
 
 Oh, no. I'll wait until the crowd is here. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 I'm the crowd. 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 Come on ! Come on ! 
 
 MIME 
 
 All right. . . . Ho, for Jack the Juggler! 
 Would you miss him — 
 
 {A cry is heard, "Help the blind! Help the 
 blind!" and on top of it just the refrain "Old 
 King Cole was a merry old soul") 
 {The Soldiery is on his guard immediately with 
 his lance as the Blindman and the Ballad-Singer 
 enter.) 
 SOLDIERY {bellowing) 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 death. Do you hear? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 You'd better say, "Yes, sir," or he'll yell it 
 again. 
 SOLDIERY {begins to bellow again) 
 You can't — 
 
 BALLAD-SINGER AND BLINDMAN 
 
 Yes, sir. 
 SOLDIERY {normally) 
 
 I've got to finish it — {and again starts) come 
 inside — 
 
 MIME 
 
 We know the rest of it. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Don't interfere with the law. {Continues bellow- 
 153 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 ing) The ropes on pain of death. Do you 
 
 hear? 
 ALL {eagerly) 
 
 Yes, sir! 
 SOLDIERY {putting down his lance) 
 
 Thank you. . . . What are you doing here? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 I came to see the beheading. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 And I, that I might tell about it. 
 
 SINGER 
 
 And I, that I might sing to the crowd. 
 
 MIME 
 
 And I, that I might dazzle you. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Everybody's here — except the Queen. Why 
 not begin? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 They can't find the Queen. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Where is she? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 They've offered a reward for her — 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 A reward? 
 
 MIME 
 
 How much? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 A pail of gold and a pair of finger-rings. 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 Why don't you find her, Soldiery? 
 154 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 No one told me to. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 You say the reward is a pail of gold and a pair 
 of finger-rings ? 
 
 SINGER 
 
 That's what she said. I know — 
 SOLDIERY {taking up his lance) 
 What do you know? 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 Nothing. 
 
 SINGER 
 
 Nothing. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 But you said "/ know." Is it about the Queen ? 
 What do you know about the Queen? 
 
 SINGER 
 
 Shall I sing you a ballad? 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 YeSj sing a ballad. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 What do you know about the Queen? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 Oh, let him sing a ballad. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 I must do my duty. What do you know about 
 
 the Queen ? 
 
 {The King's Trumpeter enters and stands at the 
 
 center of the gate. He blows a noble blast on his 
 
 trumpet^ 
 
 155 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 TRUMPETER 
 
 His Majesty, the King! 
 
 {All kneel except the Trumpeter as the King 
 enters, followed by his Councillor.) 
 {The Trumpeter blows a lesser blast ^ 
 Her Highness, the King's Great-Aunt. 
 {The Kings Great-Aunt enters.) 
 {She and the King seat themselves ceremoniously.) 
 {The Councillor bows between the King and the 
 King's Great-Aunt.) 
 
 {A mechanical chant is the official way of con- 
 ducting cases here, and a man must learn by rote 
 what he must say at trials, be he King or Coun- 
 cillor^ 
 
 COUNCILLOR {in a stiff, mechanical chant) 
 
 Your Majesty, it is our duty to inform you 
 that your wife, the Queen, is to be beheaded, 
 in compliance with the law, while your Majesty's 
 four clocks are striking twelve. 
 
 KING \chanting) 
 Who is the aggrieved person? 
 
 COUNCILLOR {chanting) 
 The aggrieved sits on your left. 
 
 MILKMAID {whispering) 
 
 Doesn't the King know his wife is to be be- 
 headed? 
 
 POPULATION {whispering) 
 Of course he does. 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 Then why do they tell him here? 
 
 POPULATION 
 
 It is the law. 
 
 156 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 SOLDIERY {bellowingy after he is quite sure he has 
 
 heard the entire conversation) 
 
 Silence ! 
 KING {chanting) 
 
 Then let the aggrieved speak. 
 COUNCILLOR {chanting) 
 
 His Majesty the King bids you speak your 
 
 grievance which is just cause for the Queen's 
 
 beheading. 
 king's great-aunt {chanting) 
 
 Last night we were celebrating the second year 
 
 of peace with the neighboring kingdom. We 
 
 were dancing the minuet after the banquet — 
 MILKMAID {whispering) 
 
 Does the old lady dance? 
 POPULATION {whispering) 
 
 She tries to. 
 SOLDIERY {bellowing 
 
 Silence! 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 When the Queen — {forgetting to chant) your 
 
 wife — 
 
 {The Councillor coughs and she chants again) 
 
 stepped on the ring-toe of the King's Great- 
 Aunt. 
 king {chanting) 
 
 What is your demand? 
 king's GREAT-AUNT {chanting) 
 
 I demand that the aforesaid Queen be beheaded. 
 
 KING 
 
 By what authority? 
 
 157 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 king's great-aunt 
 According to the law. 
 
 KING 
 
 Is there such a law? 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 There is. 
 
 KING 
 
 Read the law. 
 COUNCILLOR {unrolling a parchment, reads) 
 Whereas, if a Queen step on the ring-toe of the 
 King's Great-Aunt, or any member of her 
 family; Be it resolved, the aforesaid Queen 
 must be beheaded while the King's four clocks 
 are striking twelve at mid-day. 
 
 king's GREAT-AUNT 
 
 I demand the execution of the law. 
 king 
 We, the King, decree that our wife the Queen 
 be beheaded to-day while our four clocks are 
 striking twelve at mid-day. 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 The culprit will kneel. 
 MILKMAID {whispering) 
 
 Where is the culprit? 
 SOLDIERY {bellowing) 
 
 Silence! 
 
 {Naturally) She isn't here. 
 KING {rising) 
 
 It is not in our power to pardon you, oh, guilty 
 
 Queen. Gracefulness is a royal possession, and 
 
 when a Queen is no longer graceful she can no 
 
 longer live. 
 
 158 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 king's great-aunt {naturally) 
 The Queen isn't here. 
 
 KING 
 
 The law will take its course. 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 Where is the Queen ? 
 councillor 
 
 I've offered a pail of gold and a pair of finger- 
 rings for her apprehension. 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 Two pails of gold if she is found! 
 blindman 
 
 Is that a promise, your Highness ? 
 soldiery {bellows) 
 
 Silence! 
 
 {Normal) Royalty can't take back any state- 
 ments. 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 I mean — 
 king 
 
 We heard what you said. We shall judge what 
 
 you meant. 
 councillor 
 
 It is on the stroke of twelve, your Majesty, and 
 
 there is no Queen, no culprit. 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 Are the laws of our country to be held up to 
 
 ridicule? Find the Queen! Four pails of gold 
 
 if she be found 1 
 
 {The kneeling commoners are excited^ 
 
 Six pails of gold and six pairs of finger-rings! 
 
 {The King's clocks begin to strike, but not in 
 
 159 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 unison. First there is one large one, then two 
 smaller ones, and finally a tiny one.) 
 {During the striking of the clocks there is great 
 excitement. The spectators almost forget their 
 manners before royalty. The Councillor buzzes 
 around. The King^s Great-Aunt cries out again 
 and again, "Where is the ^een?" "Where is 
 the culprit^" The Soldiery, lance in hand, bel- 
 lows his familiar call, "You can^t come inside the 
 ropes." The Trumpeter blows his trumpet. The 
 King stands up and counts the strokes of the 
 clocks.) 
 KING {at the twelfth stroke of the tiny clock) 
 The Queen is free! I now decree a holiday to 
 all the land. And everybody can go to hunt 
 the Queen. 
 
 SINGER 
 
 And if I find the Queen I shall get six pails of 
 gold and six pairs of finger-rings ? 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 That was the promise of the King's Great- 
 Aunt. 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Silence ! 
 king's great-aunt 
 I said — 
 
 KING 
 
 You said just that. The King's Great-Aunt will 
 give six pails of gold and six pairs of finger- 
 rings to the one who finds the Queen. 
 king's great-aunt 
 I refuse — 
 
 1 60 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 KING 
 
 Royalty cannot refuse to fulfill a promise! 
 And to the offer of my aunt I shall add six 
 more pails of gold. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 Can they behead the Queen now if they find 
 her? 
 
 KING 
 
 They can not. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 Then I can find her, your Majesty. 
 
 KING 
 
 Where is she? Come here and tell me. 
 
 {^s the Blindman steps forward the Soldiery 
 
 bellows "You can't come inside the ropes.") 
 
 KING 
 
 Come here! 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 He cannot approach your Majesty. ... It 
 is the law. 
 
 SINGER 
 
 I can find the Queen, your Majesty! 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 Off with their worthless heads! They have 
 
 aided the escape of the culprit! 
 king 
 
 No, I decree — 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 The law! The law! 
 councillor 
 
 Her Highness is right, your Majesty. The law 
 11 i6i 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 states that anyone guilty of aiding a culprit to 
 escape must be beheaded. 
 
 SINGER 
 
 We did not aid. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 No, we did not. 
 king's great-aunt 
 The word of a commoner cannot stand. 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 Soldiery, do your duty! 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 Now, we shall have a beheading after all! 
 SOLDIERY {to Singer and Blindman) 
 
 Come on, step up! 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 Mercy, have mercy! 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Step up. 
 
 {J^he Ballad-Singer and the Blindman walk to 
 the side of the block and there the Soldiery binds 
 them together, all the while they protest their in- 
 nocence^ 
 
 {At this moment the Headsman is heard, "Her 
 Majesty the ^ueen and Sir David Little-Boy; 
 Her Majesty the ^ueen and Sir David Little- 
 Boy.") 
 
 {The Headsman, bearing his ax, enters in his 
 own stately way, and with the utmost dignity 
 starts to approach the King, but as he nears the 
 rope, the Soldiery bellows his command, "You 
 can't come inside the ropes." The Headsman 
 stops short, but slays the Soldiery with a glance^ 
 162 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 The King's Headsman, the Winder of the King's 
 Four Clocks — 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 death. Do you hear? 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 Yes, I hear. {Then he calls with refined dignity) 
 Her Majesty the Queen and Sir David Little- 
 Boy! 
 
 {The ^ueen and the Boy enter. The boy suddenly 
 becomes very conscious of being in the presence of 
 the King.) 
 
 king's GREAT-AUNT 
 
 Oh, there you are! 
 
 KING 
 
 My Queen! 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 It is not etiquette, your Majesty. 
 KING {recalling the proper procedure, chants) 
 
 Who is this before us? 
 QUEEN {chanting) 
 
 It is your wife, the Queen. 
 
 KING 
 
 And who stands beside our Queen? 
 
 BOY 
 
 I'm— 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Silence! 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 This is Sir David Little-Boy. 
 163 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 There is no Sir David Little-Boy in the royal 
 almanac, your Majesty. 
 
 KING 
 
 Who is this Sir David Little-Boy, Sir Heads- 
 man? 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 He helped the Queen to escape. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 Is that the little boy who gave me the lentils 
 when I was hungry, and who would not break 
 a promise? 
 
 SINGER 
 
 It's the little boy to whom I sang two ballads. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Queen, why are my two friends bound to- 
 gether ? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Sir David, first we must tell them who you are. 
 BOY {stepping forward) 
 I— 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 Address the King. 
 
 BOY 
 
 King— 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 That's not the way. 
 
 BOY 
 
 What do I do? 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 Watch me. {He struts forward and kneels ^ 
 Your Majesty — see, that way. 
 164 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 BOY {imitating the Headsman as only a little boy 
 
 can imitate his elders^ 
 
 Your Majesty, I am the little boy who lives in 
 
 the yellow cottage on the short-cut to the 
 
 headsman's block. 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 How does it happen that you are called Sir 
 
 David, upstart? 
 
 BOY 
 
 I'm not an upstart. The Queen called me Sir 
 David Little-Boy. 
 king's great-aunt 
 What right has the Queen to create a knight? 
 
 Well? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 By the law passed by my great-great-grand- 
 father. 
 king's great-aunt 
 There is no such law. 
 
 Q.UEEN 
 
 Oh, yes, there is. Aunt. 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 I think your Majesty's memory fails. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 It does not fail. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Queen, I won't be Sir David if it will cause you 
 trouble. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 A Queen has one trouble or another, but this 
 will be my last. 
 
 165 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 king's great-aunt 
 Will you permit this insolence, your Majesty? 
 
 KING 
 
 Her Majesty the Queen claims a law. Can she 
 produce the law? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 I can, your Majesty. 
 
 KING 
 
 Where is it? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Here {she takes a scroll from her dress). I found 
 
 it in the room of the King's Great-Aunt. 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 By what right does a Queen steal into my 
 
 apartment? Seize her! 
 
 {The Soldiery starts to take the ^ueen.) 
 king 
 
 Hands ofF the Queen ! 
 
 {The ^ueen takes a step to cross the ropes.) 
 SOLDIERY {bellows) 
 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 
 death. Do you hear? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 But I'm the Queen. 
 soldiery {normally) 
 Duty is duty, your Majesty, law is law. {Bel- 
 lowing) You can't come inside the ropes, on 
 pain of death. Do you hear? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Yes, I hear. 
 
 i66 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 KING 
 
 Sir Headsman, bring me the law. 
 {The Headsman is about to obey.) 
 Soldiery {bellows) 
 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 death. Do you hear? 
 
 KING 
 
 Then I shall go to the Queen. 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 Your Majesty, it is not fitting. 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 I am about to die, oh. Queen; let me give the 
 law. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 About to die? 
 
 BOY 
 
 He is my friend! ... If the ropes weren't 
 there could I take the law to the King? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Surely. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Let's take the ropes away. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Alas, it can't be done. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Let's coil the ropes. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 How? 
 
 BOY 
 
 So. {He quickly coils the ropes.) 
 167 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 SOLDIERY {bellows) 
 You can't come inside the ropes, on pain of 
 death. Do you hear? 
 
 BOY 
 
 You can't get inside the ropes? There isn't any 
 
 inside. 
 QUEEN {going to the king) 
 
 Here is the law, your Majesty. 
 KING {about to embrace her) 
 
 My Queen! 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 I protest. 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 It is not seemly, your Majesty. . . . I'll 
 take the law. 
 
 KING 
 
 Read the law. 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 It may be better to discuss it first. 
 
 KING 
 
 Read the law! 
 COUNCILLOR {reading) 
 Whereas, all relatives have had an upper hand 
 in my kingdom for three generations and have 
 passed laws that make it difficult for our 
 Queens; Be it resolved, that all such laws shall 
 stand, because etiquette and discipline are good 
 for all mankind, but should there ever be a 
 Queen who can escape the punishments devised 
 by relatives she shall be absolute, and there- 
 after her word will be the law, for any woman 
 i68 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 who can outwit her husband's relatives is 
 worthy to rule a nation. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 I have escaped. I claim the reward of the law. 
 
 KING 
 
 Your word is absolute. Henceforth you are 
 
 the law. 
 king's great-aunt {feathering her nest) 
 
 Dearest, mount the throne. 
 queen 
 
 Nay, I shall mount the Headman's block. 
 
 {She mounts the Headman's blacky and she is 
 
 very beautiful^ 
 
 I, the Queen — 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 Your Majesty, it is proper to say "We, the 
 Queen" — 
 
 I, the Queen, do first hereby reiterate that this 
 brave knight is Sir David Little-Boy. Second, 
 that — 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 You should chant it, your Majesty. 
 queen {still in normal tones') 
 
 Second, that the office of King's Councillor be 
 
 vacant; third, that the King's Great-Aunt give 
 
 up her ring or her ring-toe — 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 Mercy! I am too old to lose my ring! I should 
 
 die without my ring-toe! 
 queen 
 
 Very well, you shall keep your ring and your 
 
 toe; but when we dance the minuet you must 
 169 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 sit on your foot, for in future I shall step when 
 
 and where I please. ... Sit on your foot! 
 
 {The Kings Great- Aunt sits on her foot and 
 
 wails.) 
 king's great-aunt 
 
 What is the country coming to! {But she is 
 
 very glad to save her toe.) 
 YOU {in the audience) 
 
 Pshaw! this play is just like every other one. 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 It isn't over yet. You just wait. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Fourthj the Soldiery must lay down his arms. 
 SOLDIERY {bellows) 
 You can't come — 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Lay down your arms! 
 
 SOLDIERY 
 
 Pardon me, your Majesty, it was habit. {He 
 lays down his lance.) 
 
 QUE EN 
 
 Loose the bonds from the Blindman and the 
 
 Ballad-Singer. 
 
 {The Soldiery does so.) 
 
 Sir David, your hand. 
 
 {The Boy, in a glow of wonder, steps forward.) 
 
 Here are your friends. 
 
 king's GREAT-AUNT 
 
 A noble cannot have friends among the com- 
 moners! 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Quite true. Quite true. . . . Mime, step 
 170 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 forward. . . . Kneel. . . . Arise, Sir 
 Mime. Every Friday afternoon you shall have 
 an hour's sport with Sir David Little-Boy. 
 
 MIME 
 
 Please, your Majesty, I must wander far away 
 in search of farthings from the crowds of all 
 the world. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 You make men happy with your play. We 
 give you farthings. You will not want. 
 . {As she speaks to each of the others, she makes 
 the gesture of knighting him.) 
 {They kneel together.) 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 To you, sweet Lady Milkmaid, I give a spotted 
 cow; to you, Sir Blindman, a cushion and a 
 canopy at the castle gate; to you. Sir Ballad 
 Singer, a vermilion cloak. Arise. And now, 
 Sir Little-Boy — {She leans over him) to you who 
 saved my life, to you who kept your promise, 
 for your mother I give a velvet gown, a silken 
 kerchief, and a cloth-of-gold bonnet, and for 
 yourself I give a milk-white palfrey, two pails 
 of gold, two finger-rings, a castle, and a sword. 
 Sir Councillor — 
 
 {The Councillor comes forward and she whispers 
 in his ear.) 
 
 COUNCILLOR 
 
 The little one, your Majesty? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 The best one. Sir Councillor! 
 {The Councillor goes into the Castle.) 
 171 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Court is dismissed! Your Highness, my hus- 
 band's Great-Auntj you may go to your room. 
 You have caused us years of anguish; but I 
 forgive you. Trumpeter, lead her Highness 
 away in state. 
 
 {The Trumpeter blows a little blast and exits, 
 shouting "Make way for her Highness, the King's 
 Great-Aunt!") 
 
 {The King's Great-Aunt rises with difficulty and 
 waddles away in defeat^ 
 king's great-aunt {mumbling) 
 I never thought Td live to see the day — but 
 times have changed. {Exits into the Castle.) 
 
 Q.UEEN 
 
 The Population may go into the gardens. The 
 
 Soldiery may take a holiday. 
 
 {The Population and the Soldiery go out arm in 
 
 arm.) 
 
 Sir Headsman, you may take your axe to the 
 
 museum. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Queen, can he come back and tell me stories? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Whenever you may wish. . . . 
 
 BOY 
 
 Sir Headsman — 
 HEADSMAN {magnificent to the end) 
 Sir Headsman — 
 
 BOY 
 
 Sir Headsman — 
 
 172 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 Alas, no more. My axe goes to the museum — 
 and I become merely Sir Headsman Emeritus. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Well, Sir— Sir— 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Sir Winder of the King's Four Clocks. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Sir Winder of the King's Four Clocks, I — 
 HEADSMAN (smtUng for the whole wide world) 
 
 That is the longest title in the kingdom. . . . 
 
 Yes? 
 BOY {looking at the Queen's neck) 
 
 You said the Queen's neck wasn't much bigger 
 
 than a hair. 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 I did. 
 BOY 
 
 You said your axe would cut a hair in two. 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 Did I? 
 
 BOY 
 
 You did. 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 It will. 
 
 BOY 
 
 How could it? 
 Headsman 
 
 Easily. This way. {He swings it downward 
 with all the grace of achieving his swan's song 
 it.) See? 
 
 173 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 BOY 
 
 
 How do you spell hair? 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 
 H-A-R-E. 
 
 How else? 
 
 BOY 
 
 
 H-A-I-R. 
 
 
 HEADSMAN 
 
 I never quibble. 
 
 (Jle bows to the ^ueen, the crowd, and You 
 
 superbly; and he departs^ 
 
 {The ^een takes her place where the King's 
 
 Great-Aunt had sat.) 
 
 And now my friends and friends of Sir David, 
 
 you may say good-bye. In an hour we shall 
 
 meet in the banqueting hall for pies and 
 
 cherry tarts and cakes and things. 
 
 {The Mime steps forward.) 
 
 MIME 
 
 Sir David Little-Boy, I am your slave. 
 
 {He bows very deeply and lays his hand in the 
 
 Boy's. When he has gone Sir David finds that 
 
 he is clasping a golden ball.) 
 
 {The Milkmaid comes to Sir David.) 
 
 MILKMAID 
 
 Isn't it wonderful! 
 
 {And before he knows it she has thrown her arms 
 
 around his neck and kissed him and passed on.) 
 
 {He doesn't know whether to smile or blush, but 
 
 he does hang his head?) 
 
 {The Blindman shuffles up to him.) 
 
 174 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 BLINDMAN 
 
 You only have to close your eyes to make 
 things true. {And passes on.) 
 {The Ballad-Singer comes.) 
 
 SINGER 
 
 Hello! 
 
 BOY 
 
 Sing me a ballad. 
 
 SINGER 
 
 Later — perhaps. 
 
 BOY 
 
 No, now. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Just for us. 
 
 {The Boy sits between her and the King on the 
 step at their feet. The Ballad-Singer sits close 
 beside him.) 
 
 SINGER 
 
 This is the Ballad of the Silver Star and the 
 
 Crescent Moon. 
 
 {Sings to the wondering Boy.) 
 
 Oh, a silver star and a crescent moon 
 Afloat in the sunset sky 
 Can make a smile on a scowling face, 
 Tho' the face be you or I. 
 
 For the silver star and the crescent moon 
 Are like memories afar — 
 We always dream at the guarded gate 
 And pass the gate ajar. 
 
 175 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 There's a moral to my little song, 
 
 For hearts bowed down and hearts in tune — 
 
 The silver star is a distant dream 
 
 And a waxing hope is the crescent moon. 
 
 Good-bye. And don't forget that the King's 
 Great-Aunt owes you six pails of gold. Good- 
 bye. 
 
 {He dashes ojff.) 
 
 {The Boy sits in wonder a moment and then 
 looks first at the smiling ^ueen, then at the pleasant 
 King. He takes the knife from his pouch and 
 shows it to the King.) 
 
 BOY 
 
 Have you seen my knife? 
 
 {The King slips down beside him, which makes 
 the Boy gasp. It isn't everybody who sits beside 
 a King.) 
 
 KING 
 
 We had a little boy like you, and he loved his 
 knife. . . . He was a Prince. . . . How 
 would you like to be a Prince? 
 
 BOY 
 
 I think— I'd Hke it. 
 
 {He is almost breathless, talking to a King!) 
 {The Councillor enters and hands something to 
 the ^een.) 
 
 KING 
 
 And would you like to be my son? 
 
 BOY 
 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 176 
 
The Soldiery and the Population 
 
 The King's Great Aunt and the King's Councillor 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 And mine? 
 
 {As she sits beside him. Now they are not like 
 King and ^een and a little Knight. They are 
 just three people sitting together.) 
 BOY {to the lovely ^een) 
 Next to my mother I like you. 
 
 KING 
 
 If you were our little boy, some day you would 
 be a King. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Oh — I couldn't be a King. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Why not? 
 
 BOY 
 
 I wouldn't know what to do. 
 
 KING 
 
 There are many kings who do not know what 
 to do. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 And think of all the happiness you could make. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Could I do whatever I wanted to do? 
 
 KING 
 
 If you were wise. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Could I give a ring to the Blindman? 
 
 KING 
 
 Oh, yes. 
 
 BOY 
 
 And ask him in? 
 12 177 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Surely. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Then — would I have to have a Great-Aunt? 
 
 KING 
 
 Not now. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Or a Councillor? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 All that is abolished now. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Then — you're sure I wouldn't have a Great- 
 Aunt? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Quite sure. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Then — I'd like to be a king! 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 All right. Shut your eyes. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Oh, I know — the Blindman told me to shut my 
 eyes to make things come true. 
 {He shuts his eyes very tight. The ^een un- 
 wraps the something which the Councillor brought. 
 It is a beautiful crown. She places it on the 
 boy's head.) 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Open your eyes! 
 
 {He opens his eyes and his hands steal up to the 
 
 crown. He can't believe his touch.) 
 
 BOY 
 
 Oh! 
 
 178 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 Q.UEEN 
 
 How do you feel? 
 BO-Y {gasping) 
 All right. 
 
 KING 
 
 You are a Prince now. 
 
 {He takes a cape from his shoulder and throws it 
 
 about the Boy's shoulders.) 
 
 Arise, my Son and Prince. 
 
 {The Boy stands up, and he looks every inch a 
 
 little king in his crown and robe.) 
 
 BOY 
 
 Am I a real prince? 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 As real as the King or I. 
 
 {The Boy walks a princely step or two, when a 
 voice is heard calling "David! David!" It is the 
 sweetest voice in the world, and it is sad and 
 troubled now. The Boy stops short.) 
 
 BOY 
 
 My mother! 
 
 VOICE 
 
 David! 
 
 BOY 
 
 I am here. Mother. 
 
 {The mother enters. She is the most beautiful 
 woman in the world — like your mother and mine, 
 but her eyes are wide with fear.) 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 David! Oh, I thought I had lost you! My 
 boy! my boy! 
 
 179 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 BOY 
 
 Mother, I am a Prince. 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 Oh, my little dream-boy, you are always my 
 Prince, Why did you run away? 
 
 BOY 
 
 I didn't run away. I came to save the Queen. 
 And now I am a Prince. 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 The Queen ? A Prince ! 
 
 {She sees the King and ^ueen.) 
 
 Oh, your Majesties! {And bows very low.) 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 Arise, Lady Little-Boy. We have made your 
 boy our son and heir. 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 Does that mean — I must — he must go from — 
 me? 
 
 KING 
 
 When his country calls he must go. 
 
 BOY 
 
 You mean I must leave my mother? 
 
 KING 
 
 Some day you must leave her. 
 BOY {to his mother) 
 But don't you need me now? 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 David, if you are meant to be a king, I want 
 you to be a king. 
 
 1 80 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 We'll leave you here together. You can tell 
 
 him what you know. 
 
 {She understands what ail women understand.) 
 
 KING 
 
 Farewell, my Prince. 
 
 QUEEN 
 
 My httle boy! 
 
 {They leave the mother and the boy together.) 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 David, isn't it wonderful! 
 
 BOY 
 
 Mother, did they mean I had to leave you ? 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 You will be a king. 
 BOY . 
 
 I can't leave you. 
 
 {He sits disconsolately on the step of the King's 
 
 seat.) 
 MOTHER {sitting beside him) 
 
 You are going to grow up to be a great, fine 
 
 man, my David-Boy, and you will be a king. 
 
 Some day you would have to leave me anyway 
 
 — to go out into the world and seek your 
 
 fortune. 
 
 BOY 
 
 But not so soon. 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 I'll be near, and I'll see you every day. You 
 will be a king, my boy! 
 i8i 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 BOY 
 
 You'll be all alone. 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 Ohj no, my boy, never alone. For every hour 
 of every day I'll think of you and dream of you. 
 
 BOY 
 
 Who'll help you work? 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 There'll be no work. It will all be play, for 
 my boy is going to be a king. 
 
 BOY {as he leans his head against her shoulder) 
 Oh, Mother, I'm so tired! 
 
 MOTHER {placing her arm about hini) 
 
 I know. Do you remember how I used to sing 
 a little lullaby to you when you were tired? 
 
 BOY {his eyes are heavy with sleep) 
 Uh-huh. 
 
 {The mother hums softly as she places her cheek 
 against his head, but the crown interferes some- 
 what.) 
 
 BOY 
 
 Sing it out. I like the words. 
 MOTHER {singing) 
 Sleep, Davie, sleep — 
 
 BOY 
 
 No, I like the old words — the ones when I was 
 a little boy. 
 
 MOTHER 
 
 Sleep, baby, sleep — 
 Close your tired eyes; 
 Here's a kiss from father. 
 To make you wealthy; 
 182 
 
SIR DAVID WEARS A CROWN 
 
 Here's a kiss from mother. 
 
 To make you healthy; 
 
 And God the Father blows a kiss 
 
 To make you wise. 
 
 Sleep, baby, sleep. 
 
 Close your tired eyes. 
 
 {The Boy snuggles against his mother and then 
 reaches up and takes off the crown. She carefully 
 places it beside her and continues her lullaby as 
 the curtains close.) 
 YOU {in the audience) 
 
 Well, will he be a king or not? 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 His mother knows. 
 
 {The Prologue and the Device-Bearer bow and 
 disappear.) 
 
 {The ladies may arrange their hair and the gen- 
 tlemen may cough to their throafs content.) 
 
 The Curtains Close 
 
 183 
 
NELLIJUMBO' 
 
The Prologue 
 
 You IN THE Audience 
 
 Aunt Flora 
 
 Uncle George 
 
 Ellen 
 
 Richard Adams Cole 
 
 Jasper Cole 
 
 'The spelling used is Nellijumbo, but 
 Richard probably thought of him as 
 Nellie-Jumbo, and that spelling is used 
 in Richard's speeches. 
 
 i86 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 {The PROLOGUE enters.) 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 I am the prologue. . . . Experience has 
 taught me that most of the people about us do 
 not see or hear, and that many hear but do not 
 see. . . . You, dear ladies, have programmes 
 in your hands — or perhaps they have falleft on 
 the floor with your handkerchiefs; but I dare 
 say you have not read them. You, brave men, 
 being tired and prescient, do not need pro- 
 grammes; because plays are only plays, after 
 all is said and done, and the only thing in life 
 is business and the after-hours' fatigue. But that 
 the fault of your not understanding may not be 
 mine, I am going to tell you enough to make 
 your programmes really superfluous. . . . 
 When these curtains open a little play will 
 begin. I call it a little play because it is short 
 and because it is only about a little boy who 
 knows nothing of business. His business is 
 growing up in what you and I might call eternal 
 darkness. Perhaps he will show you how light 
 is something that is seen without eyes, heard 
 without ears, told without tongue; something 
 that is THERE, though the sun be obscured in 
 everlasting eclipse, though the moons and stars 
 beyond the orbit of revolving space be falling 
 cinders. ... I beg your pardon, sirs, for my 
 187 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 flight into rhetoric. The play will not offend 
 in kind. Before I stumble toward grandilo- 
 quence again I shall open the curtains. 
 {He claps his hands and the curtains open, dis- 
 closing a room.) 
 
 The scene is a room in Aunt Flora's home. Uncle 
 George is her husband, but the house is in her 
 name. It would be her house even if it were not 
 in her name. It is very early on Christmas 
 morning. . . . There is Aunt Flora putting 
 the last touches on the Christmas tree. 
 
 {Aunt Flora is a tall, gaunt, unapproachable but 
 not unkindly woman. She may be fifty; but then 
 she has been fifty for thirty years. She may have 
 been young once — in the well-clothed and modest 
 nineties.) 
 
 Perhaps your Aunt Flora used to sing or smile as 
 she saw her plans for Christmas turn real; but 
 this Aunt Flora does not sing. She is serious- 
 minded, this Aunt Flora. Life is her business. 
 
 She has gone through the years of her life seriously 
 unbendingly. If she has done wrong it is be- 
 cause to her the wrong way seemed the right 
 way. The trouble with Aunt Flora is that in 
 her business of living she never stopped to make 
 a frank inventory. 
 
 YOU {in the audience) 
 
 Is the Christmas tree for Aunt Flora — or for 
 Uncle George? 
 
 {At this moment Aunt Flora has arranged some- 
 thing "exactly right, '^ and Uncle George enters, 
 i88 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 carrying some strange-looking books and some 
 ordinary books.) 
 
 {Uncle George is quite as gaunt, quite as unap- 
 proachable, quite as predestined fifty as Aunt 
 Flora. They are colder than the brown-and-gray 
 wallpaper and the deplorably spick-and-span fur- 
 nishings of the room. They do not greet each 
 other.) 
 PROLOGUE {laughing as he looks at the brown-and- 
 gray couple) 
 
 What do you think ? . . . Uncle George does 
 not greet Aunt Flora. They have met earlier 
 this morning, and words are used only under 
 pressure of necessity. 
 
 {Uncle George places the books on the white muslin 
 that surrounds the tree. He places them carefully.) 
 {Aunt Flora puts a last touch to the tree, which is 
 oh, so painfully orthodox.) 
 
 PROLOGUE 
 
 Aunt Flora likes the tree. She — 
 
 {Aunt Flora has stood ofi, taking in her work 
 
 with a critical eye.) 
 
 She— 
 
 {Aunt Flora is about to speak.) 
 
 I bow. . . . Aunt Flora has somewhat to say. 
 
 {The Prologue goes out. You see this is a modern 
 
 play, and Prologues do not stay in view during 
 
 modem plays.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 H— m! 
 
 {She sits in her chair by the table and takes up 
 the morning paper.) 
 
 189 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 {Uncle George scans the tree without emotion, 
 and then sits in his chair.) 
 UNCLE GEORGE {after a moment) 
 Is that the Ledger, Flora? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Is Jasper's picture in it? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes — with quite an article. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 What does it say? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 I have only seen the captions^ George; but I 
 judge it is the usual newspaper matter. {Read- 
 ing) "Intrepid explorer," "Distinguished sci- 
 entist," "Four hazardous years in unknown 
 lands." H — m. We must see that no one 
 reads this to Richard. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Superlatives? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes — superlatives and some of Jasper's in- 
 curable childishness. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 What is it? 
 AUNT FLORA {reading) 
 
 Jasper Cole, the intrepid explorer, returned 
 yesterday from his hazardous journey of four 
 years through the unknown heart of South 
 America. Mr. Cole, when seen in his rooms at 
 the Beauvais-Sheffield, seemed much more in- 
 190 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 terested in his ten-year-old son, Richard Adams 
 Cole, who lives with Mr. and Mrs. George 
 Carlton Adams, 2719 Franklin Boulevard, than 
 he did in his own work. "I have not seen him," 
 said Mr. Cole, "since he was six, and I am wait- 
 ing for Christmas morning to surprise him — " 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 I do not approve. I think the boy should have 
 been told. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 We are not Richard's parents. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 No, we are not. Flora; but I think we should 
 have exercised our judgment in this matter as 
 we have in the matter of his education. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Jasper was not here to supervise the education 
 and his letters came two years after Mary's 
 death. He couldn't "supervise" then. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 He trusted in our judgment. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 But he asked us to be particularly careful to 
 tell Richard that there would be a surprise for 
 him on the tree this morning. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Utterly childish! 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Utterly. 
 
 {She sees the books at the foot of the tree.) 
 
 I think, George, we had better put Richard's 
 
 books on a table. 
 
 191 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Quite right. Richard is ten years old — too old 
 to play on the floor. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 He wouldn't want to be treated like a baby. 
 {Uncle George places the books on a table.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 What time is it, George? 
 UNCLE GEORGE {looking at his watch) 
 6:45. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Jasper said he would be here at seven this 
 morning. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 We have always set nine as the hour for the 
 child to see the tree. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 I think we can indulge Jasper this time. He 
 will recognize his error when he sees how much 
 Richard has grown, how much dignity and re- 
 serve the boy has developed. 
 (^ maid enters. She, too, is gaunt, unapproach- 
 able, not unkindly, yet a predestined fifty.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 What is it, Ellen? 
 
 ELLEN 
 
 Mr. Richard, ma'am. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Is he — 
 
 {He controls his excitement. Uncle George and 
 192 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 Aunt Flora love Richard, but their love has a 
 crust that even the anxiety of love cannot wholly 
 penetrate^ 
 
 ELLEN 
 
 He seems excited, ma'am. He says something 
 is going to happen — and he wants to come 
 down. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Tell him that he is not to come down until 
 seven o'clock. 
 
 ELLEN 
 
 Yes, Ma'am. I told him that, and he — 
 
 {The hall clock begins to strike. Uncle George 
 
 takes out his watch.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Fast. Strange. 
 
 {A boy calls out: "It's seven o'clock! It's seven 
 o'clock!" and his feet are heard rushing through 
 the hall.) 
 
 {Richard Adams Cole enters. He is a boy of ten, 
 gentle and restrained, but he is quivering with ex- 
 citement. At first he seems to be a normal young- 
 ster, except for the fact that he carries his head as 
 though he were listening intently, and he uses his 
 hands as though he were "understanding' with 
 them. His swiftness of movement and alertness 
 do not betray his "misfortune'') 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Richard! 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 It's seven o'clock! Where's the surprise? 
 13 193 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 It isn't seven yet. 
 
 RICHARD {strangely) 
 
 The hall clock struck seven. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 The hall clock is wrong. 
 Richard 
 You said the hall clock was just right — always. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Ellen, who has been tampering with the hall 
 clock? 
 
 ELLEN 
 
 Indeed, ma'am, I don't know. No one except 
 Mr. Adams ever touches it. 
 
 uncle GEORGE 
 
 It was on the dot when I came downstairs this 
 morning. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Can't I see the surprise? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Richard, one moment. Do you know any- 
 thing about the hall clock? 
 RICHARD {evasively) 
 
 Uncle George said it was always right. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Have you been out of your room in the past 
 
 half hour? 
 
 {Richard does not answer.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Richard, your Aunt Flora is speaking to you. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 What, ma'am? 
 
 194 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 AUNT FLORA {Jooktng at Unck George) 
 
 Richardj are you inattentive or are you evading? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 No, ma'am. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Richard, I am going to be annoyed. Ellen, 
 watch the front door, and if anyone comes — 
 anyone — ask him to wait in the reception-room. 
 
 ELLEN 
 
 Yes, ma'am. 
 
 {She goes out.) 
 
 {Richard is alert and "watches" Ellen go.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Now, do you know anything about the hall 
 clock? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I wanted to see the surprise. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 I have never known you to lose your poise so 
 completely, Richard. 
 RICHARD {passionately) 
 
 I know. Aunt Flora, but this is Christmas Day. 
 Something is happening. What is it? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Control yourself, Richard, and tell me what 
 you know about the hall clock. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yes, sir . . . 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Well? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I set it ahead 
 
 195 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Richard Adams Cole! — 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Richard! 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 That clock belonged to my grandfather, and in 
 my lifetime no hands have ever touched it 
 except mine and my father's. It has been a 
 sacred trust handed down from father to son. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I couldn't help it. Uncle George. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 I have no son; and some day I should pass the 
 trust on to you. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I couldn't wait! 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 And so you betrayed your trust. ' 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 No! I didn't mean it that way. I — I — 
 {Overwhelmed by his guilt, his words stop.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Flora. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I'm sorry. {Almost in a whisper) I wanted to 
 see the surprise. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Very well, Richard, then it is our duty to teach 
 you to control yourself. We can't always have 
 what we want in this life, and the sooner you 
 learn this lesson the better. 
 196 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yes, ma'am. 
 
 {Several clocks in the house, including the one on 
 
 the mantel, begin to strike.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 See what you have done! 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I didn't mean to — {no words come.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Then why did you do it? 
 
 {Richard has been taught to answer, and he tries, 
 but words won^t come now without tears; and 
 Richard will not weep on Christmas Day.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Why, Richard? 
 
 RICHARD 
 I— 
 
 {He turns to the door with a strange "understand- 
 ing' movement of the hands.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Richard ! 
 {Richard stops.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 If you will disobey me you must go to your 
 room and remain until we send for you. 
 {Richard mumbles "I'm sorry" inarticulately and 
 leaves the room.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Well! 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 I am sorry we have to punish the child on 
 197 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 Christmas Day, George, but we surely cannot 
 overlook this breach of discipline. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 My grandfather's clock! 
 
 {Jasper Cole enters on tiptoe. He is an eternally 
 young man, like the father of any boy's dreams. 
 He is tall, slender, active, ruddy, with a smile 
 that Richard "sees" in spite of everything.) 
 {Uncle George and Aunt Flora do not see him.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 P-s-t! 
 AUNT FLORA {tuming) 
 Jasper! 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 My boy! 
 
 {They greet Jasper with a brown-and-gray warmth 
 — their best. Aunt Flora even grants her cheek 
 to him.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 And the boy. Where is my boy? 
 AUNT FLORA {with Constraint) 
 He is in his room. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I must go to him. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Just one moment, Jasper. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Is he— is h^-iU? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 No — no — 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 But we must talk to you before you see him. 
 198 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Will he know me? Does he guess? Is he tall? 
 And strong? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 We speak often of you to him, and he seems to 
 remember you very well. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Your few letters have interested him very 
 much. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 And his mother? Mary? How did he get along 
 without her? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 We have done our best, Jasper. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 You blessed woman, I know you have — you and 
 Uncle George. How can I thank you ? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 You need not thank us, my boy. It was our 
 duty. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 It wasn't easy for us, Jasper. We have never 
 had any children, and their ways are strange to 
 us. This child, with his misfortune, was, for a 
 long time, beyond my comprehension. I under- 
 stand him now. He was so fantastic, so ex- 
 citable, and unapproachable at first — even friv- 
 olous, and he was always wanting to do what a 
 child in his condition could not possibly do. 
 But we have worked with him and watched him, 
 and got him under control — until to-day. I am 
 
 199 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 sorry that you will see him for the first time 
 as he is at this moment. The excitement of 
 Christmas and a breach of discipline have per- 
 haps made him nervous. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I should think so. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 At the reading hour he will read to you. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 The reading hour? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes. We always read for an hour after break- 
 fast. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Oh — yes. ... I have had my breakfast. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 So have we. We ate very early to-day, so that 
 we could finish the tree; but we shall read from 
 eight until nine, as usual. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Jasper, Richard has just been guilty of sub- 
 terfuge. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Subter — 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes. He pushed George's clock forward so 
 that it would strike ahead of time. 
 JASPER {laughing) 
 Did he now? 
 
 {He sees that he should not laugh.) 
 Why? 
 
 200 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 In order to find out the sooner what his sur- 
 prise was to be. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Oh! 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 We hope you will not condone his offense. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Do you wish to have us here when you meet 
 him, or shall we leave ? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Wait a moment. I brought him some pres- 
 ents. I'll arrange them and then I'll — 
 {He gets the packages of presents outside the door, 
 looks a moment at the stiff, prim tree.) 
 I think I'll see him alone. 
 
 {He begins to open the packages, removing several 
 interesting toys and games — no books. One pack- 
 age he does not open. He arranges the lot of them 
 about the foot of the tree.) 
 
 I thought he would like this ship. It's a model 
 of the Roosevelt. See, here's the name in raised 
 letters. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 We couldn't let him go near the water, Jasper! 
 
 JASPER 
 
 When he's alone he can sail it in his room. 
 . . . Here's a set of soldiers and cannon. 
 Properly arranged, they can fight the battle of 
 Waterloo. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Isn't that a little blood-thirsty? 
 
 20I 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Their hearts are only lead. Aunt Flora. . . . 
 Here's a magic tower. See, you can make all 
 sorts of things out of it, — and here is — 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 I am sorry, Jasper, but I'm afraid Richard 
 doesn't care for toys. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Then we shall make him care. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 What is in that box? {She indicates the un- 
 opened package^ 
 
 JASPER 
 
 That? Oh, that is a package of romance, of 
 history, of adventure, of — 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Jasper, will you never grow up? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Your son is older than you are. Why, you've 
 laid out toys for him as if he were a baby ! He 
 hasn't played on the floor for three years. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Then we shall make him young again. . . . 
 Send him in. ... I am ready for him. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Our presents are on the table. {She goes to the 
 door and calls) Ellen ! 
 ELLEN {off) 
 Yes, Ma'am. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Send Richard here. 
 {She closes the door.) 
 
 202 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER {fixes his tie and smooths his hair) 
 
 I am facing an ordeal. I wonder how I'll stand 
 the test. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Remember, he isn't a baby now. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Ah, no. He's a little man. 
 AUNT FLORA {at the door) 
 
 He's coming, and he's bringing that dog! 
 Jasper, if Richard is reticent or constrained 
 you must not let it hurt you. His misfortune 
 has made him shy. He doesn't take even me 
 into his confidence. As an example: he has a 
 name for that dog that he won't tell to anyone. 
 {There is a knock on the door.) 
 Come in. 
 
 {Jasper stands at the far side of the tree.) 
 {Richard comes into the room, carrying an un- 
 graceful seal-brown pup. It has long ears and 
 tail which hang as limply as its disproportionate 
 paws. In spite of the recent reprimand, Rich- 
 ard shows traces of excitement and anticipation. 
 He hesitates at the door.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Aunt Flora — Uncle George? 
 
 AUNT FLORA AND UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Yes, Richard. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Ellen said you wanted me. 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Yes, Richard, the tree is ready, and we wish 
 you a merry Christmas. 
 203 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Thank you. Ma'am — and is the surprise ready? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 The surprise is here. 
 
 {Richard starts into the room, then he turns, 
 
 reaching out one hand.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Uncle George? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Yes, Richard? 
 RICHARD {turning toward his uncle) 
 
 I'm sorry I set the clock ahead. It was very 
 wrong of me. 
 
 {Jasper has been watching his boy with ill- 
 restrained eagerness; but he means to play the 
 game, although in the halting little apology he 
 reads the history of the motherless-fatherless 
 years of the boy.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Very well, Richard. I trust it will not happen 
 again. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 No, sir. {He turns his head, listening.) Dr. 
 
 White — is that you? 
 
 {Now we know that Richard is blind, for he is 
 
 facing his father. Jasper places his finger on his 
 
 lips to enjoin Aunt Flora and Uncle George to 
 
 silence^ 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Come, George. Richard, we'll leave you to 
 your tree and your surprise. 
 {She goes to Richard and puts her hand on his 
 204 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 shoulder. He turns his cheek and she kisses it in 
 her way, then leaves the room.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 There are some books on the small table and 
 some toys at the foot of the tree. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Thank you. Uncle George. . . . I've brought 
 the dog with me. Can he stay? 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 He may stay — to-day, Richard, but to-day only. 
 I hope you will have a merry Christmas, my 
 boy. 
 
 {He shakes hands with Richard and goes out, 
 closing the door after him, at a signal from Jasper.) 
 {Richard stands a moment; then, putting his 
 "understanding^ hand before him, goes forward. 
 He touches the tree. He half turns to listen, and 
 Jasper feels his own heartbeats pounding a 
 tocsin. But Richard, not hearing any one, gets 
 on his knees and, releasing the dog, begins to 
 feel along the floor. His fingers meet a toy sol- 
 dier. He hesitates, then lifts the toy as he eagerly 
 "sees" it with his hands.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Look, look, Nellie- Jumbo — a soldier! And 
 here's another! 
 
 {His hands "see" the group very rapidly now.) 
 Here's one on horseback! — A cannon! — two — 
 three — Boom ! 
 
 {He touches the ship. At first he can^t believe his 
 trusty fingers until he runs them across the name- 
 plate.) 
 
 205 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 R.O-0-S-E-V-E-L-T! Roosevelt. We'll sail 
 the seas and find polar bears ! They're all white, 
 Nellie-Jumbo. That's different from you. 
 You're seal-brown. Poof! Poof! 
 {One can see the noble adventure begin as Richard 
 imitates the engines^ 
 
 {He touches the unopened package next, and with 
 lightning speed his fingers read what is impressed 
 on the package^ 
 
 "To Snoodles." My father used to call me 
 Snoodles when I was a little chap. "This — is — 
 a — secret — between — you — and — capital 
 Y-A-A- capital U-R-D" — Y-A-A-U-R-D! Oh, 
 I guess that is a name — "and me." 
 "This is a secret between you and Yaa-Urd and 
 me. You — will — find — me — if — you go — 
 to — the — big — pine-tree — in — the — green 
 — forest. Do — not — open — this — until — 
 you — find — me. P. S. Be — sure — to — 
 bring — a — bodyguard with — you." 
 I know! It's a game. Come on, soldiers; 
 come on, Nellie-Jumbo! I know where the big 
 pine tree is! 
 
 {}Je gathers Nellijumbo under his arm and 
 takes two soldiers in his hand. With his free 
 hand he "sees" his way toward his father, who 
 plays the game with gleaming eyes. He has 
 brought adventure into Richard's life again, and 
 the glow of wonder on the boy's face is ample re- 
 ward for the hours of waiting for this moment. 
 Richard touches his father.) 
 206 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 RICHARD {dauntlessly) 
 Here I am! 
 
 JASPER {deeply) 
 Who art thou? 
 
 RICHARD {tremulouslyy uncertainly , but valiantly 
 none the less) 
 I am Richard; Richard, the Lion-hearted. 
 {It is the first time in Jour years that any ear ex- 
 cept Nellijumbo' s has ever heard this secret wish 
 of Richard's heart — to be the Lion-hearted^ 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Greetings, sire. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 And who are you — art thou ? 
 
 {Jle is less certain in the game now, for, remember, 
 
 play is new to him.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I am Yaa-Urd. 
 
 {He speaks the word with a delightful mystery, 
 pronouncing every letter with loving care.) 
 Thy servant, sire. Wilt thou not greet me? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Whence art thou from, Ya-Urd? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 May it please thee, sire, thou deprivest me of 
 an "A." My name is Yaa-Urd, unless thou 
 wishest to have the other "A." 
 {Richard actually giggles in a room where giggles 
 have always frozen^ 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Whence art thou from, Yaa-Urd? 
 207 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I am from a country — beyond the seas — beyond 
 the clouds, sire. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 What art its name, Ya-u — Yaa-Urd? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Its name is Abaa-Ar. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Good, my man. I always wanted to go to — 
 to — This is Nellie-Jumbo. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 How dost thou do? 
 RICHARD {quite matter of fact) 
 What's your real name? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I know your real name. 
 
 {When his father no longer speaks with an as- 
 sumed voice, Richard loses his glamor, becomes 
 restrained and shy.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 It's Richard Adams Cole, sir. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 It's Snoodles! 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 How did you know, sir? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Don't you know me, Snoodles? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 No, sir — {It hurts deeply, but Jasper must face 
 it.) Oh, yes, sir. I think you are my father, sir. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I am. I am. 
 
 208 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 {He takes Richard in his arms.) 
 {The boy is mute. Remember^ he has not had 
 much demonstrative affection since his mother 
 died, and when a boy is ten, and he has learned to 
 hide his dreams, he does not know how to speak. 
 It is Jasper's problem to open his boy's shut-in 
 world.) 
 JASPER {quite shyly) 
 
 Would you rather I had been Yaa-Urd, really? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 No, sir. 
 
 (Jasper smiles as he had often smiled in order to 
 win savages whose trust he had to win. Then he 
 thinks that his smile cannot carry. But smiles 
 have sound and lovely words have wings. Richard 
 had "heard" the smile; and the strange names 
 spoken so beautifully by his father had made 
 another breach in the wall of his secret world.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Will you shake hands now? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yesj sir. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Shall I call you Snoodles? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Aunt Flora doesn't like nicknames. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Doesn't she? Do you? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yes, sir. 
 JASPER {dutifully, but without conviction) 
 Well, I suppose Aunt Flora is right. 
 u 209 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yes, sir. 
 
 {Jasper sees that the advantage gained by Yaa- 
 Urd has gone. But long association with elemental 
 people keeps him from being discouraged. Afrer 
 all. Aunt Flora and Uncle George are merely like 
 a paternal government that means well and tries 
 to put all its subjects into one mold.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 But, I suppose, sometimes it is necessary to 
 
 give people two names. Here's Nellijumbo, 
 
 for instance — 
 
 {Richard "gives" never so little when the story 
 
 comes so close to home.) 
 
 She must have a company name. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 He's a he. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Oh! . . . What's his out-loud name? 
 RICHARD {takes a deep breath) 
 Aunt Flora and Uncle George wanted me to 
 call him Prince. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Why didn't you? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I like Nellijumbo better. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 What does NeUi jumbo mean? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 It doesn't mean anything. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I like it. 
 
 2IO 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 So do I. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 It's a wonderful name. 
 
 {Richard reaches out his hand and shyly touches 
 
 Jasper's sleeve. Jasper's impulse is to take the 
 
 boy in his arms, but he waits.) 
 
 Did you make it up? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Noj sir. I heard it. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Who said it? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Aunt Flora, sir. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Did she make it up ? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Oh, no, sir. She heard it, and she thought it 
 was a very silly name. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 It is funny, isn't it? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I like it. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 So do I. . . . And I like Nellijumbo, too. 
 It sounds just like — him. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 All brown and soft and shaky. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Yes. . . . Hello, Nellijumbo. 
 
 {Jasper sits on the floor beside the dog. Richard 
 
 "sees" this, but he can't believe it. To Nelli- 
 
 211 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 jumbo Christmas has meant nothing more than 
 
 sleep. He suffers Jasper to take him up, however, 
 
 and snuggles comfortably in his lap.) 
 
 You are going to be like the dogs of Abaa-Ar 
 
 when you grow up. 
 
 {He speaks the strange word for Richard's benefit.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Did you make up A-bar? {He sits in a chair.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Some of it. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Who was Yaa-Urd? I hke him. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 He was an Indian prince who lived hundreds of 
 years ago in South America. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 That's on the other side of the Panama Canal. 
 I know. It's shaped this way. {He outlines 
 South America in the air.) And it has a lot of 
 high mountains here. {He makes the Andes 
 mountains in the air.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Yaa-Urd lived in those mountains. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Where? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Here— 
 
 {Fortunately, he remembers the map in the air, 
 and he places his forefinger where Richard can 
 "see" it.) 
 RICHARD {as his hand touches Jasper's finger) 
 Half-way. 
 
 212 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Yes, in a fertile valley between two high ranges 
 in a land called Peru. 
 RICHARD {slipping to the floor beside his father) 
 I like you. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 And I — like you. I like you as much as Yaa- 
 Urd liked the little Indian prince. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Will you tell me all about it? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I'll play it with you. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 How? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 You be the prince and I'll be Yaa-Urd. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I don't know it. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 That doesn't make any diflFerence. We'll make 
 it up as we go along. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 What will Nellie- Jumbo be? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 He'll be your faithful pony. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 He isn't big enough. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Then I'll be your faithful pony. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 But you're Yaa-Urd. 
 
 213 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I'll be both. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Go on. {He laughs out of sheer joy.) Where 
 are we ? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 We're in South America. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 This room is South America! 
 
 JASPER 
 
 And under the tree is the city of Abaa-Ar. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Which side? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 All around. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 And here are the soldiers — and the cannons. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 They didn't have cannon in those days. 
 RICHARD {disappointed) 
 Didn't they? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 All right, we'll give them cannon, a'nyway. 
 {Richard places the three cannon and says "boomi" 
 for each of them.) 
 
 Now these two chairs are two low mountains 
 and between them is a mountain pass. 
 RICHARD {going to the chairs that Jasper has placed) 
 Is there snow on them ? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Deep. 
 
 214 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 What's their name? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 This one is Ixu, and this one is Zanthu. 
 RICHARD {touching the chairs as he speaks) 
 
 Uncle George's chair is Ixu and Aunt Flora's 
 chair is Zanthu ! — and here's the mountain pass. 
 Where are we going ? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Well, this piano is the high mountain — named 
 
 Zabu. 
 
 {Richard goes to the piano.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Snow from here up. 0-o-h, it looks cold. 
 Zabu! 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Now on these two mountains live hostile tribes. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Host'l. {This name pleases him less than the 
 others, but he accepts it.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 On Zabu lives the common enemy — named Taru. 
 {Richard places soldiers on Ixu and Zanthu^ 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 These are the Host'ls. They haven't any 
 cannons. You see they couldn't get them up 
 the mountain sides. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 No, of course not. 
 
 {He sees that the cannon of Abaa-Ar will subdue 
 
 the "Host'ls.") 
 
 215 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 And here is Taru. {Placing a soldier on horse- 
 back on the piano.) 
 JASPER {foolishly, with delight) 
 
 Taru's on his high horse, isn't he? 
 
 {Richard giggles, principally because his father 
 
 smiles.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Now, what's the matter with them? 
 {Jasper sees the forgotten unopened package.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Here is a chest of jewels that belongs to the 
 Prince, and until he gets it he cannot be Em- 
 peror. Taru had taken it and fled to Zabu long 
 years ago with twenty faithful followers, 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I haven't twenty soldiers. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 All right. 
 
 All of them died — except Taru. They died of 
 
 cold. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 How did he pass Ixu? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 In a fog. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Oh! 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Shall we begin ? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yes. 
 
 2l6 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER 
 
 All right. Into the palace ^ 
 RICHARD {turning and threading his way to the tree 
 without touching the cannon) 
 Here's the palace. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 How did you find the palace so easily? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Why, it's there. . . . You wouldn't know I 
 was blind, would you? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 No. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I see a lot of things — but I wish I could see 
 color. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Yes. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I know seal-brown. I can fee/ it. 
 JASPER (falling into the game) 
 
 Majesty, thou shalt see gold in the chest that 
 Taru stole from thee. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 What is my name? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 It's— 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Do you care if I am Richard the Lion-hearted? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Well, Richard was never in Peru; but we'll put 
 him there. Majesty, thou canst not be Em- 
 peror unless thou winnest thy crown again. 
 217 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Yaa-Urd, arise. We shall go in search of my 
 crown. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Robbers and Host'ls infest the way. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 At Ixu and Zanthu? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Aye, aye, sire. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Set the cannons on them. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 They will not shoot so far. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Then take them with us. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 The roads are impassable. 
 RICHARD {stumped Jot a moment) 
 
 Then we'll pass Ixu in a fog. 
 JASPER {delighted out of his character) 
 
 Bully! — I mean forward' 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Come on, we go out of the city gates. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Wilt thou ride. Sire? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I have no horse. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I'll be the horse. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 You can't be Yaa-Urd and the horse both. 
 218 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER 
 
 That's true. ... I think thou hadst better 
 go disguised, sire, and while thou art robing I'll 
 find thee a horse. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 What shall I wear? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Here. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Oh, that's Aunt Flora's piano-cover — I can't. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 It is thy robe, sire. . . . And here — this is 
 
 thy mantle. Put them on. 
 
 (By this time Aunt Florals room is very much 
 
 changed in appearance.) 
 
 I go for thy horse. 
 
 {Jle strides a pace or two, then returns^ 
 
 If I should not come back, sire, you may know 
 
 I have been killed. {In an every-day tone) Then 
 
 I can be the horse. 
 
 {Richard arrays himself in the piano-cover and 
 
 scarf.) 
 
 {Jasper gets down on his hands and knees, 
 
 neighs and prances as well as he can. As he 
 
 comes to Richard he neighs again.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Ho, a horse. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 I'm a talking steed, sire. . . . Mount. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Really. 
 
 219 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 JASPER (On his knees) 
 Really. 
 {Again on all Jours.) {Richard mounts.) 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Get up! 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Aren't you going to take Nellijumbo? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 No, I must go alone. Nellie-Jumbo, you stay 
 home and watch the palace. . . . Get up! 
 {Jasper turns awayjrom Ixu and Zanthu.) 
 Gee! — That means go right. — It's this way. 
 JASPER {himself) 
 How did you know? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Why, they're there — just there. That's all I 
 know. 
 JASPER {as he nears the "pass") 
 There's a heavy fog, sire. 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Get up ! . . . {whispering) We're through the 
 pass. B-r-r-r! it's cold. On to Zabu! 
 {Jasper nears piano.) 
 Whoa! I'll hitch you. 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Can't I go with you? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 I'll climb alone. ... I'm afraid I'll scratch 
 the piano. 
 
 220 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Take off thy shoes, sire, and he won't hear 
 
 thee coming. 
 
 {Off go Richard's shoes and up on the piano goes 
 
 Richard, Jasper watching in adoration.) 
 
 {In a moment Richard is in a loud and terrifying 
 
 altercation with the air above the leaden soldier^ 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Ah, villain, give me back my jewels. Biff! 
 Bang! Zip! Ah! 
 
 {He takes up the box, jumps from the piano, 
 mounts his steed, and yells) Get up ! Victory ! 
 {As Jasper trots through the pass, the door opens 
 and Aunt Flora enters.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 Goodness! What is the matter? 
 {Uncle George is on her heels.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 Is he hurt? . . . Why, what's the matter? 
 
 RICHARD 
 
 Oh, Aunt Flora, we've found the jewels! 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 What on earth? Jasper! Richard! What is 
 this nonsense? 
 
 {Jasper and Richard have reached the pass and 
 the palace. Aunt Flora and Uncle George are 
 straightening the furniture^ 
 {Richard dismounts^ 
 JA.SPER {rising) 
 
 It isn't nonsense. Aunt Flora. We've really got 
 
 221 
 
PORTMANTEAU ADAPTATIONS 
 
 the jewels. . . . Open the box, Snoodles. 
 {Richard begins to open the box.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 How could you humiliate the child by such 
 nonsense! 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Aunt Flora, dearest, it isn't nonsense. 
 RICHARD {taking a wonderful Inca ornament from 
 the box) 
 Oh, what is it? What color is it? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 It's gold, real yellow gold, and hundreds of 
 years ago it belonged to a little Inca prince. 
 {The clock strikes eight.) 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 It's the reading hour. 
 
 {Richard dutifully takes up a book.) 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Do you care if Richard tells you the story of 
 the jewels instead of reading? 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 As you wish, Jasper. 
 
 UNCLE GEORGE 
 
 How does he know about it? 
 
 JASPER 
 
 He's just lived it. Tell them, Snoodles. 
 
 {He takes Nellijumbo in his lap. Richard goes 
 
 to him and climbs onto his knee.) 
 
 AUNT FLORA 
 
 I cannot understand it. Richard never climbs 
 into my lap. 
 
 222 
 
NELLIJUMBO 
 
 JASPER 
 
 Well, you see, Aunt Flora, we are both of us 
 incurably romantic, incurably frivolous, and in- 
 curably — fond of you. 
 {He just hugs Richard.) 
 Tell them the story, Richard. 
 RICHARD (with an arm around his father's neck) 
 Well, once — upon — a time — 
 {But his mind and his heart are elsewhere as the 
 curtains close. He has found his comrade.) 
 
 The End. 
 
 223 
 
APPENDIX 
 
PERSONNEL OF THE STUART WALKER 
 COMPANY 
 
 1921 
 
 Aldrich Bowker 
 Oscar Davisson 
 Robert Fiske 
 George Gaul 
 Robert McGroarty 
 Robert Masters 
 
 L'ESTRANGE MiLLMAN 
 
 James Morgan 
 McKay Morris 
 Arvid Paulson 
 Edwin Noel 
 Tom Powers 
 George Somnes 
 Stuart Walker 
 Walter Vonnegut 
 James P. Webber 
 John Wray 
 
 Blanche 
 
 Helen Burch 
 Muriel Brown 
 Eugenie Chapel 
 Margaret Dalrymple 
 Lael Davis 
 Agnes Horton 
 Grace Kiechle 
 Judith Lowry 
 Dorothy McDonald 
 Beatrice Maude 
 Julia McMahon 
 Margaret Mower 
 Lucille Nikolas 
 Elizabeth Patterson 
 Marjorie Vonnegut 
 Regina Wallace 
 Peggy Wood 
 
 YURKA 
 
 Frank J. Zimmerer, 
 Robert McGroarty, 
 
 Art Director 
 Stage Director 
 
 The Murat Theatre, Indianapolis 
 
 226 
 
APPENDIX 
 
 REPERTORY OF THE STUART WALKER 
 COMPANY 
 
 1921 
 
 The Wolf 
 Mamma's Affair 
 
 Civilian Clothes 
 
 Daddies 
 
 Smilin' Through 
 
 The Great Galeoto 
 The Book of Job 
 Tea for Three 
 Come Seven 
 
 Three Children's Plays 
 
 My Lady Friends 
 
 Artists' Life 
 
 A Pair of Silk Stockings 
 
 Main Street 
 
 Monna Vanna 
 Trilby 
 Wedding Bells 
 
 The Lottery Man 
 Honor Bright 
 
 Eugene Walter 
 
 Rachael Barton Butler 
 
 (First time here) 
 Thompson Buchanan 
 
 (First time here) 
 John Hobble 
 Allan Langdon Martin 
 
 (First time here) 
 Jose Echegaray 
 
 Roi Cooper Megrue 
 Octavus Cohen (First 
 
 time here) 
 Stuart Walker (One a 
 
 premier) 
 Frank Mandel and 
 
 Emil Nyitray 
 Peggy Wood and Sam- 
 uel Merwin (Premier) 
 Cyril Harcourt (600th 
 
 performance) 
 Harvey O'Higgins and 
 
 Harriet Ford (Premier) 
 Maurice Maeterlinck 
 George de Maurier 
 Salisbury Field (First 
 
 time here) 
 Rita Johnson Young 
 Meredith Nicholson and 
 
 Kenyon Nicholson 
 
 (Premier) 
 
 227 
 
APPENDIX 
 
 The Beautiful Adventure, de Flers and Caillavet 
 Nevertheless Stuart Walker 
 
 Sis Who Pass While the 
 
 Lentils Boil Stuart Walker 
 
 Sir David Wears a Crown Stuart Walker (Premier) 
 Two Kisses Harry James Smith 
 
 LAST FIVE PLAYS SEASON 1919 
 
 Kick In 
 
 Willard Mack 
 
 Nothing But the Truth 
 
 James Montgomery 
 
 Fair and Warmer 
 
 Avery Hopwood 
 
 The Fortune Hunter 
 
 Winchell-Smith 
 
 Piccadilly Jim 
 
 Guy Bolton and P. G. 
 
 
 Wodehouse (New) 
 
 SEASON 1920 
 
 Two Kisses 
 
 Harry James Smith (Pre- 
 
 
 mier) 
 
 The Miracle Man 
 
 George M. Cohan (First 
 
 , 
 
 time in Indianapolis) 
 
 Polly With a Past 
 
 George Middleton and 
 
 
 Guy Bolton 
 
 The Storm Bird 
 
 Dion Clayton Calthrop 
 
 
 and Roland Pertwee 
 
 
 (Premier) 
 
 The Show Shop 
 
 James Forbes 
 
 The Gypsy Trail 
 
 Robert Housum 
 
 Temperamental Henry 
 
 Samuel Merwin (Pre- 
 
 
 mier) 
 
 The Lodger 
 
 Horace Annesley Vachell 
 
 
 (First time here) 
 
 Baby Mine 
 
 Margaret Mayo 
 
 A Little Journey 
 
 Rachel Crothers (First 
 
 
 time here) 
 
 228 
 
APPENDIX 
 
 A Very Good Young Man Martin Brown (First 
 
 time here) 
 
 Too Many Husbands Somerset Maugham 
 
 (First time here) 
 
 Peg O' My Heart J. Hartley Manners 
 
 39 East Rachel Crothers (First 
 
 time' here) 
 
 Gammer Gurton's Needle was first produced by Mr. 
 Walker at Boston, Massachusetts, on February 14, 
 19 1 6. The first New York production was at the 
 Princess Theatre in December of 191 6. 
 
 CAST 
 
 (See page 31) 
 
 The Birthday of the Infanta was first produced at 
 Bingham ton, New York, in November of 1916. The 
 first New York production was at the Princess Theatre 
 in December of 191 6. 
 
 CAST 
 (Seepage 113) 
 
 Sir David Wears a Crown was first produced at the 
 Murat Theatre, Indianapolis, Indiana on June 24, 
 1 92 1. It has not yet had a New York production. 
 
 CAST 
 
 (See page 142) 
 
 Nellijumbo has not yet been played. 
 
 229 
 
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 Vol. I — Portmanteau Plays 
 
 Introduction 
 
 The Trimplet 
 
 Nevertheless 
 
 Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil 
 
 Medicine Show 
 
 Vol. 2 — ^More Portmanteau Plays 
 
 Introduction 
 
 The Lady of the Weeping Willow Tree 
 
 The Very Naked Boy 
 
 Jonathan Makes a Wish 
 
 Vol. 3 — Portmanteau Adaptations 
 
 Introduction 
 
 Gammer Gurton's Needle 
 
 The Birthday of the Infanta 
 
 Sir David Wears a Crown 
 
 Nellijumbo 
 
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 The Two Cromwells Liddell DeLesseline 1.50 
 
 Plays and Players Walter Prichard Eaton 3.00 
 
 The Antigone of Sophocles 
 
 Prof. Jos. Edward Harry 1.25 
 
 The Changing Drama Archibald Henderson 2.50 
 
 European Dramatists Archibald Henderson 3.00 
 
 George Bernard Shaw: His Life and Works 
 
 Archibald Henderson 7.50 
 Fifty Contemporary One Act Plays 
 
 Compiled by Pierre Loving & Frank Shay S.OO 
 
 Short Plays Mary MacMillan 2.50 
 
 More Short Plays Mary MacMillan 2.50 
 
 The Gift Margaret Douglas Rogers 1.00 
 
 Comedies of Words and Other Plays 
 
 Arthur Schnitder, Translated by Pierre Loving 2.50 
 
 Lucky Peer August Strindberg 2.50 
 
 Translated by Velma Swanston Howard 
 
 Easter August Strindberg 2.50 
 
 Translated by Velma Swanston Howard 
 
 The Hamlet Problem and its Solution 
 
 EmersonVenable 1.50 
 
 Portmanteau Plays Stttart Walker, net 2.50 
 
 More Portmanteau Plays . . . .Stuart Walker, net 2.50 
 
 Portmanteau Adaptations Stuart Walker, net 2.50 
 
 Stewart KM Modern Plays 
 
 Mansions Hildegarde Planner .50 
 
 The Shepherd in the Distance. .Holland Hudson .50 
 
 Hearts to Mend H. A. Overstreet .50 
 
 Sham Frank G. Tompkins .50 
 
 Six Who Pass While the Lentils Boil 
 
 Stuart Walker .50 
 Others to Follow