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 BOUGHT WITH THE INCOME OF THE 
 
 SAGE ENDOWMENT FUND 
 
 THE GIFT OF 
 
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Cornell University Library 
 PS 2527.B9 1867 
 
 The Bulls and the Jonathans icomprislng 
 
 3 1924 022 067 635 
 
Cornell University 
 Library 
 
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 tine Cornell University Library. 
 
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JOHN BULL 
 
 AND 
 
 BROTHER JONATHAN. 
 
THE BULLS 
 
 THE JONATHANS; 
 
 COKFRiaiNO 
 
 JOHN BULL AND BROTHER JONATHAN 
 
 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 JAMES K.'^PAULDING. 
 
 EDITED BY WILLIAM L PAULDING. 
 
 IN ONE VOLTJME. 
 
 NEW YORK: 
 CHARLES SCRIBNER AND COMPANY. 
 
 1867. 
 
K^^o-^oy 
 
 Entered, susoording to Act of Congress, in the year 1867, by 
 
 ■WILLIAM I. PAULDIKG, 
 
 In the Clerk's Office of the district Court of the United States for the Southern 
 District of New York 
 
 oaubsicob: 
 
 , steeeottped aud peikied by john tpilsoh and son. 
 
COJS'TENTS. 
 
 JOHN BULL AND BROTHER JONATHAN. 
 
 Page 
 
 Intkoduction to John Bxjix asd Brother Jonathan 3 
 
 The Diverting History of John Bull and Brother 
 
 Jonathan 7 
 
 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Introduction to John Bull m America 149 
 
 Preface of the Editor to the First Edition . . . 169 
 
 John Bull m America; or, The New Munchausen . 183 
 
 Postscript to the Third Edition 375 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 JOHN BULL AND BROTHER JONATHAN. 
 
 This work owes its existence to the uneasy relations 
 between Great Britain and the United States in the begin- 
 ning of the present century. After a great deal of iU-feeling 
 on both sides, Congress declared war, on the 18th of June, 
 1812. The book was already published on the 5th of Septem- 
 ber in the same year, as appears by a letter of the author. 
 Probably it had then been "out" some little time. 
 
 The satire is so transparent that there is scarcely need 
 of elucidation; but I have nevertheless added a few notes. 
 For information and suggestions in regard to some obscure 
 pergonal and political allusions I am indebted to the kind- 
 ness of an early friend and literary associate of Mr. Paul- 
 ding, Gulian C. Verplanck. 
 
 The present reprint is from Harper & Brothers' edition 
 of 1835, the only one of which I have been able to pro- 
 cure a copy. To this there were a few notes by the author, 
 which I have distinguished by the date. Those now sub- 
 joined have none. It will be perceived that some matter 
 must have been introduced after the publication of the first 
 edition. Not having a copy of this for collation, I am 
 
 [3] 
 
4 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 unable to discriminate it exactly; but think that the allu- 
 sions to "Major Jack Downing" and to the travellers sub- 
 sequent to "Lawyer Janson" comprise about all. 
 
 It now seems a pity that Mr. Paulding should have singled 
 out tourists for caricature. But he wrote in an atmosphere 
 of acerbity, about matters then really of almost national con- 
 cern, though at the present day they can scarcely be made to 
 appear in that light. He looked upon the whole detracting 
 tribe as mercenary calumniators of an entire people, with no 
 claim to either courtesy or grace ; and pitched upon the indi- 
 vidual subjects of attack, rather as types of the different styles 
 of British objector, than from any personal feeling or knowl- 
 edge of the parties. 
 
 I extract from the Appendix to the two-volume edition of 
 "Webster's Dictionary, page 1552, the following account of the 
 two national nicknames. 
 
 BnxL, John. A well-known collective name of the English 
 nation, first used in Arbuthnot's satire, " The History of John 
 Bull", usually published in Swift's works. In this satire, the 
 French are designated as Lewis Baboon, the Dutch as Nicho- 
 las Frog, &c. The " History of John BuU" was designed to 
 ridicule the Duke of Marlborough. 
 
 Brotbceb Jonathan. A sportive collective name for the people 
 of the United States. 
 
 When General Washington, after being appointed commander 
 of the army of the Revolutionary war, went to Massachusetts 
 to organize it, and make preparations for the defence of the 
 country, he found a great want of ammunition and other means 
 necessary to meet the powerful foe he had to contend with, and 
 great difficulty m obtaining them. If attacked in such condition, 
 the cause at once might be hopeless. On one occasion, at that 
 anxious period, a consultation of the officers and others was 
 had, when it seemed no way could be devised to make such 
 preparation as was necessary. His Excellency Jonathan Trum- 
 bull, the elder, was then governor of Connecticut, and, as Wash- 
 
JOHN BULL AND BROTHER JONATHAN. 5 
 
 ington placed the greatest reliance on his judgment and aid, he 
 remarked, " We must consult Brother Jonathan on the subject." 
 He did so, and the governor was successful in supplying many 
 of the wants of the army. When difficulties afterward arose, 
 and the army was spread over the country, it became a by-word 
 — "We must consult Brother Jonathan." The origin of the ex- 
 pression being soon lost sight of, the name Brother Jonathan 
 came to be regarded as the national sobriquet. 
 
 Of course a work of this character loses much of in- 
 terest and point by the mere lapse of time. The most 
 laborious annotation, the fullest historical knowledge of the 
 period, would fail to put the reader in the place of a cotem- 
 porary to whom the subject had been for years a matter 
 of daily thought feeling and discussion. Many of the 
 hardest hits therefore have lost their force for us of to-day ; 
 or, at all events, we no longer see distinctly where or to 
 what extent they took effect. At the same time the merits 
 of the production are far from being altogether ephemeral. 
 Apart from the flin of the book and the shrewd exhibit of 
 national peculiarities, it is a specimen of simple, straight- 
 forward, idiomatic, English, such as it is not easy to match. 
 
 W. I. P. 
 
THE 
 
 DIVERTING HISTORY 
 
 JOHN BULL AND BROTHER JONATHAN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 How Squire Bull quarrelled with his youngest Son, Brother Jonathan, and 
 forced him out in the woods ; and how the Squire, when Jonathan had 
 cleared away the woods, grew to be very fond of him, and undertook to 
 pick his pockets, hut got handsomely rib-roasted for his pains. 
 
 John Bull was a choleric old fellow, who held a 
 good manor in the middle of a great mill-pond. This 
 manor, by reason of its being quite surrounded by 
 water, was generally called Bullock Island. Bull was 
 an ingenious man, an exceeding good blacksmith, a 
 dexterous cutler, and a notable weaver and pot-baker 
 besides. He also brewed capital porter, ale, and small- 
 beer, and was, in fact, a sort of jack-of-all-trades, and 
 good at each. In addition, he was a hearty feUow, an 
 excellent bottle-companion, and passably honest as 
 times go. 
 
 But what tarnished all these qualities was a devil- 
 ish quarrelsome, overbearing disposition, which was 
 always getting him into some scrape or other. The 
 truth is, he never heard of a quarrel going on among 
 his neighbours, but his fingers itched to be in the thick-. 
 
 [71 
 
8 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 est of them ; so that he was hardly ever seen without 
 a broken head, a black eye, or a bloody nose. Such 
 was Squire BuU, as he was commonly called by the 
 country people his neighbours — one of those odd, 
 testy, grumbling, boasting old codgers, that never get 
 credit for what they are, because they are always 
 pretending to be what they are not. 
 
 The squire was as tight a hand to deal with in 
 doors as out ; sometimes treating his family as if they 
 were not the same flesh and blood, when they hap- 
 pened to differ with him in certain matters. One day 
 he got into a dispute with his youngest son Jonathan, 
 who was familiarly called Brother Jonathan, about 
 whether churches ought to be called churches or meet- 
 ing-houses ; and whether steeples were not an abomi- 
 nation. The squire, either having the worst of the 
 argument, or being naturally impatient of contradic- 
 tion, (I can't tell which), fell into a great passion, and 
 swore he would physic such notions out of the boy's 
 noddle. So he went to some of his doctors, and got 
 them to draw up a prescription, made up of thirty- 
 nine different articles, many of them bitter enough to 
 some palates. This he tried to make Jonathan swal- 
 low; and finding he made villanous wry faces, and 
 would not do it, fell upon him and beat him like fury. 
 After this, he made the house so disagreeable to him, 
 that Jonathan, though as hard as a pine knot and as 
 tough as leather, could bear it no longer. Taking his 
 gun and his axe, he put himself in a boat, and pad- 
 dled over the mUlpond to some new lands to which 
 the squire pretended some sort of claim, intending to 
 settle them, and build a meeting-house without a stee- 
 ple as soon as he grew rich enough. 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 9 
 
 When he got over, Jonathan found that the land 
 was quite in a state of nature, covered with wood, 
 and inhabited only by wild beasts. But being a lad 
 of mettle, he took his axe on one shoulder and his 
 gun on the other, marched into the thickest of the 
 wood, and clearing a place, built a log-hut. Pursuing 
 his labours, and handling his axe like a notable wood- 
 man, he in a few years cleared the land, which he 
 laid out into thirteen good farms : and building him- 
 self a fine frame-house about half finished, began to 
 be quite snug and comfortable. 
 
 But Squire Bull, who was getting old and stingy, 
 and, besides, was in great want of money on account 
 of his having lately been made to pay swingeing 
 damages for assaulting his neighbours and breaking 
 their heads — the squire, I say, finding Jonathan was 
 getting well to do in the world, began to be very much 
 troubled about his welfare : so he demanded that 
 Jonathan should pay him a good rent for the land 
 which he had cleared and made good for something. 
 He trumped up I know not what claim against him, 
 and under different pretences managed to pocket all 
 Jonathan's honest gains. In fact, the poor lad had 
 not a shilling left for holiday occasions ; and had it 
 not been for the filial respect he felt for the old man,, 
 he would certainly have refused to submit to. such 
 impositions. 
 
 But for all this, in a little time, Jonathan grew up 
 to be very large of his age, and became a tall,, stout, 
 double-jointed, broad-footed cub of a fellow,, awkward 
 in his gait, and simple in his appearance ; but show- 
 ing a lively, shrewd look, and having the promise of 
 great strength when he should get his full growth. 
 
10 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 He was rather an odd-looking chap, in truth, and had 
 many queer ways ; but everybody that had seen John 
 Bull saw a great likeness between them, and swore he 
 was John's own boy, and a true chip of the old block. 
 Like the old squire, he was apt to be blustering and 
 saucy, but in the main was a peaceable sort of care- 
 less fellow, that would quarrel with nobody if you 
 only let him alone. He used to dress in homespun 
 trousers with a huge bagging seat, which seemed to 
 have nothing in it. This caused people to say he had 
 no bottom ; but whoever said so lied, as they found to 
 their cost whenever they put Jonathan in a passion. 
 He always wore a linsey-woolsey coat, that did not 
 above half cover his breech, and the sleeves of which 
 were so short that his hand and wrist came out be- 
 yond them, looking like a shoulder of mutton. AU 
 which was in consequence of his growing so fast that 
 he outgrew his clothes. 
 
 While Jonathan was outgrowing his strength in 
 this way, BuU kept on picking his pockets of every 
 penny he could scrape together ; till at last, one day 
 when the squire was even more than usually pressing 
 in his demands, which he accompanied with threats, 
 
 1 Jonathan started up in a furious passion, and threw 
 the Tea-kettle* at the old man's head. The choleric 
 Bull was hereupon exceedingly enraged; and after 
 calling the poor lad an undutiful, ungrateful, rebel- 
 lious rascal, seized him by the collar, and forthwith a 
 furious scuffle ensued. This lasted a long time ; for 
 the squire, though in years, was a capital boxer, and 
 of most excellent bottom. At last, however, Jonathan 
 
 * The destruction of tea in Boston harbor, followed by the revolutionary 
 war and the acknowledgment of independence. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 11 
 
 got him under, and, before he would let him up, made 
 him sign a paper giving up all claim to the farms, 
 and acknowledging the fee-simple to be in Jonathan 
 for ever. 
 
 CHAPTER n. 
 
 How Jonathan made good the old saying, that a man don't know when he 
 is well off, and got married. 
 
 As soon as Jonathan had thus, as it were, disinher- 
 ited his father, and set up for himself, he, like other 
 young fellows just out of leading-strings, thought it 
 high time to get a wife,* So he got himself an excel- 
 lent one from among the tenants, by whose aid he 
 prospered exceedingly. But when old Mrs. Bull,f 
 Squire BuU's wife, of whom I shall speak more anon, 
 heard that Jonathan had taken to himself a helpmate, 
 and begun house-keeping on his own account without 
 asking her consent, she flew into a great passion and 
 scolded roundly. This madam, though Jonathan's 
 own mother, never much liked the poor fellow, and it 
 was all along of her advice that Squire Bull kept the 
 lad so short of money; for Mrs. Bull used to insist 
 upon it that young boys should never be allowed any 
 pocket-money: it only led them into mischief and 
 bad company. > 
 
 As soon as she found out Jonathan's marriage, she 
 
 * The old Congress. t Parliament. 
 
12 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 went to Squire Bull, and talked away just as old 
 women are used to do to their husbands. She told 
 Bull the poor stripling would be ruined by his wife, 
 who was a low-bred, impertinent minx, that nobody 
 knew. " I tell thee, John," quoth madam, " that this 
 poor siUy fellow is no more fit to marry than the 
 child unborn, and will come to naught as sure as you 
 are alive, if you don't take means to get him out 
 of the hands of this little upstart, ill-bred, illegitimate 
 minx." All this while the squire would be walking 
 about, with his hands in his waistcoat pockets, and 
 his head drooping on one side, whistling as people do 
 when they don't know what to say. 
 
 Then the old lady would put on her hat and cloak, 
 saUy forth among the gossips of the neighbourhood, 
 and complain of this daughter-in-law. She would 
 turn up her nose at her, and declare she would never 
 acknowledge her, not she — a good-for-nothing, im- 
 pudent hussy, to thrust herself into so respectable 
 a family as Squire Bull's. " For my part," exclaimed 
 she, " I sha'n't take the least notice of her, not I — as 
 they have brewed so they must bake ; as they make 
 the bed so they must lie in it ; " together with a num- 
 ber of other equally wise sayings. Then she tried to 
 persuade the neighbours not to visit Mrs. Jonathan, 
 and absolutely quarrelled with several of them for 
 acknowledging her as Jonathan's wife. 
 
 As to Mrs. Jonathan, she was not much behind- 
 hand with old Mrs. BuU; and, when she heard of the 
 old lady's giving herself such high flights, would put 
 her arms a-kimbo and exclaim, " Marry come up ! I 
 wonder, forsooth, who Mrs. BuU is — a mighty great 
 madam, to be sure, to give herself such airs. Why 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 13 
 
 it is but the other day that old Oliver What-d'ye- 
 callum kicked her rump for her, and turned her out of 
 Squire BuU's house in a jiffy. In good truth, madam, 
 my lady mother had better look at home and mind 
 her own affairs, I can tell her that." 
 
 But what provoked old Mrs. Bull more than any 
 thing else was, that her daughter-in-law used to dress 
 just like the old lady, and imitate her on aU occasions, 
 insomuch that people would say that Mrs. Jonathan 
 was very much like her mother-in-law, and, consider- 
 ing her education, behaved herself quite like a lady. 
 
 These family disturbances used to annoy Jonathan 
 not a little ; nevertheless, he found great reason to be 
 satisfied with his wife, who turned out to be a very 
 notable woman and right thrifty housekeeper, so that, 
 when she died, she left behind her among the tenants 
 an excellent name, though old Mrs. Bull could never 
 bear to hear her mentioned. By her advice and assist- 
 ance, Jonathan prospered in all his affairs ; his farms 
 grew more valuable every year; the number of his 
 tenants increased rapidly ; and so successful was he 
 in aU his speculations, that the neighbours prophe- 
 sied, if he lived to be an old man, he would be one 
 of the richest of his day. 
 
 In a little time the tenants began to build a great 
 many boats, to carry their grain to different parts of 
 the great mill-pond, insomuch that you could hardly 
 go into any part of it without meeting them. This 
 made Squire BuU not a little jealous, for he was the 
 greatest boatman that ever was known, and could not 
 bear to see Brother Jonathan, whom in his cups he 
 called a rebellious rascal, prosper so handsomely in 
 his affairs. 
 
14 JOHN BXJLL AKD 
 
 But young Jonathan went on steadily, without 
 troubling himself about his neighbours' business ; and 
 by dint of regular living, plain diet, and wholesome 
 exercise, daUy acquired strength, until at last he grew 
 so stout, that, though he did not know much about 
 boxing or cudgel-playing, he was able to wrestle a 
 fall with any lad of his age in all the neighbourhood. 
 Still, you could see he had not come to half his 
 strength as yet; and that when his sinews were a 
 little hardened, and his joints stronger-knit, woe be to 
 the blockhead that should wantonly provoke him to 
 raise his fist, for it would come down like unto a 
 sledge-hammer ! 
 
 CHAPTER m. 
 
 How Squire John got a flea in his ear, and how his fingers itched to get the 
 whole mill-pond under his thumb. 
 
 After this great quarrel, John Bull and Brother 
 Jonathan continued on speaking terms, and seemed 
 quite reconciled ; but it was all grimace on the squire's 
 part, for he could never forgive poor Jonathan for mak- 
 ing him give up the farms in the way he did. Now 
 Jonathan, though in the scuffle with Bull he had got 
 some scratches, the scars of which remained a long 
 time, I verily believe felt many yearnings of affection 
 for his old dad, and if he had been treated with 
 any sort of fatherly kindness, would have loved him 
 with all his heart. But the old fellow never missed a 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 15 
 
 chanoe of doing Jonathan an ill turn, and wherever 
 they met would be biting his thumb, and snapping his 
 fingers, at him. All which Jonathan put up with on 
 account of the respect he stiU could not help feeling 
 for the father that begat him. In his heart he made 
 all sorts of excuses for him, considering he was old, 
 infirm, and almost in his dotage. 
 
 The squire, by reason of his living on an island, 
 kept a huge parcel of boats to ply to and again to 
 different parts of the great millpond, which was a 
 good many leagues about, and where he sent vast 
 quantities of his blacksmith's work, and excellent 
 porter. By this means his tenants grew to be exceed- 
 ing expert boatmen, and would venture out at all 
 times, let the wind blow ever so hard. 
 
 John, instead of being satisfied with this, was every 
 now and then ripping up an old claim, which, (even 
 if his ancestors had ever made it good), had been 
 given up long before. The foundation of the claim 
 was this : — It seems some of the Bull family, being 
 great boasters in their cups, used now and then to 
 pretend that, because they had the greatest number 
 of boats, they ought to be lords of the mill-pond, which 
 they swore was part of the manor of Bullock. 
 
 This notion took highly among their tenants, but 
 their neighbours only laughed at it, till one of these 
 doughty fellows went out upon the miU-pond, and 
 undertook to make them all puU off their hats as a 
 sort of compliment for his great good-nature in letting 
 them sail their boats there. Then they thought the 
 joke was going too far, and great disputes were car- 
 ried on for many years. At last this big fellow got 
 his bitters ; for chancing one day to meet an old neigh- 
 
16 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 bour of his, one Mynheer Van Tromp, a great fish- 
 erman, catching herrings, he swore he should pull 
 off his hat, or else push off and not fish any more. 
 Mynheer Van Trompjrf^ed_aii^ without taking any 
 notice, upon which John Bull's ancestor undertook to 
 lay hold of his hat to pull it off; but Van Tromp, 
 without taking his pipe out of his mouth, gave him 
 such a pat on the head with his paddle, that he was 
 glad enough to let mynheer's broad brim alone after 
 that. But for all this, the Bulls would now and then, 
 whenever they could do it safely, revive these preten- 
 sions, which they never could be brought to give up 
 until they were fairly cudgelled out of them by the 
 neighbours. Whenever this happened, they always 
 took care to reserve the right, as they called it, though 
 they gave up the exercise of it ; and if the least pre- 
 tence offered, would be at their old capers again. 
 
 John BuU, the subject of our history, by reason of 
 his being troubled with a lack of understanding, was 
 obliged to trust his business altogether to a parcel 
 of hireling servants ; who, as is always the case, man- 
 aged to cheat him out of the profits of his manor, 
 untU at last he grew quite poor, and lived pretty 
 much by borrowing and other shifts. The squire was 
 not a little nettled at this, and forthwith ordered them 
 to make out their accounts, to see how matters stood. 
 These cunning varlets were not a little frightened at 
 being brought to a reckoning, but they soon devised a 
 scheme to hum John a little. This was no other than 
 persuading the poor noddy that the great amount of 
 his debts was a proof of his vast riches. This was a 
 little too deep for BuU's sounding-line; but when a 
 man does not know his own business, it is absolutely 
 
BEOTHEK JONATHAN. 17 
 
 necessary that he should believe in somebody ; and so 
 the squire shrugged up his shoulders, and said, " I 
 suppose it must be so, and aU that sort of thing — 
 but hang me if I can make it out." 
 
 But these false rogues, knowing that the truth must 
 come out at last, because John was even obliged to 
 borrow money of his tenants in order to pay them 
 their own interest, and that he must fail unless his 
 means increased greatly, did put it into his head to 
 get all the business of the mill-pond into his own 
 hands, under the old pretence that the whole ' of it 
 belonged to him, and that he had all along permitted 
 the neighbours to use it out of his own good will. 
 
 This was tickling John just where he liked it ; but 
 he had somehow or other, I don't know how, man- 
 aged to get, among his tenants, the character of a 
 mighty honest feUow; and he knew if he lost this, 
 by being too barefaced in his injustice toward his 
 neighbours, the tenants would not lend him any more 
 money. It was therefore proper, in order to keep up 
 his good name, to find out some cunning pretext by 
 which he might satisfy the tenants and quiet his own 
 conscience. The squire belonged to that class of hon- 
 esty which scruples much less at doing wrong than 
 in being found out. To such folks a poor excuse 
 is better than none; and luckily, while they were 
 casting about in great perplexity, John's great enemy 
 and rival. Beau Napperty,* helped him to one of the 
 neatest in the world. It is proper to say a few words 
 of this Beau, who will act no small part in this 
 renowned history. 
 
 * Napoleon I. 
 2 
 
18 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Of Beau Napperty; and what sort of a chap he was. 
 
 It is not worth while to tell how old Lewis 
 Baboon* an honest fellow enough, was killed by his 
 tenants in a drunken frolic ; and how his neighbour, 
 Squire Bull, with one Fred Brandenberger,f and the 
 old President of the College,^ first made believe they 
 wanted to get back his estate for his heirs, and then 
 began to carve it out among themselves. Fred and 
 the old President did not care two coppers for the 
 Baboons, but took sides with John, because he sup- 
 plied them with spending money, paid their scores 
 wherever they went, and tickled their vanity by pat- 
 ting them on the back, and calling them the deliverers 
 of the neighbourhood. This was the way with John, 
 who always paid the piper, let who would dance. 
 
 It is well known that these three fellows, in trying 
 each to get a slice of the manor of Frogmore, as that 
 of the Baboons was called, got their fingers burnt to 
 a bfister, and were glad enough to get home as well 
 as they could, especially when little Beau Napperty 
 took up the cudgel. 
 
 Beau Napperty, as I have heard say, was called 
 Beau because he was no beau at all ; but, though the 
 greatest soldier of his day, wore a little three-cornered 
 cocked-hat without any feather, and would have cut 
 no figure among our militia officers on training-days. 
 
 * Louis XVr. t King of Prussia, Elector of Brandenburgh. 1886. 
 
 J Emperor of Austria, head of the Electoral College. 1S35. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 19 
 
 Some great generals, who shall be nameless, seem to 
 think the finer soldiers are dressed the better they will 
 fight; but it was not so with little Beau Napperty, 
 who, with a parcel of ragamuffins without breeches, 
 did not care a fig for the best man in all the neigh- 
 bourhood. It must be confessed, however, that he 
 wore a most monstrous sword, which he could hardly 
 drag along after him; and those who could see a 
 great way into a millstone, prophesied he would soon 
 wear himself out by trailing this huge toasting-iron. 
 He was withal one of the most active little fellows in 
 the 'world; it seemed that he could be in two places 
 at a time; and I can tell you that whoever got to 
 windward of him must sail right in the wind's eye, 
 and get up before daylight. He carried a great pinchp 
 beck box in his breeches pocket, out of which he took 
 snuff every half minute. He was, moreover, a lad of 
 great mettle, and would not turn his back on the best 
 man that ever stepped. 
 
 Beau Napperty was born in a little scrubby island, 
 not far from the manor of Frogmore; and there 
 being no school-masters thereabouts, was sent to an 
 academy in the latter place, where he studied club- 
 law with all his might, and, it is said, practised it on 
 the pates of his school-fellows. He was all the time 
 plapng soldier, and strutting about in a paper cocked- 
 hat, with a wooden sword, and marching ahead of 
 the boys with as much gravity as if he had been 
 a general. They say he was as proud as Lucifer, 
 and did not much mind robbing an orchard or steal- 
 ing water-melons ; though he never betrayed his ac- 
 complices, but stuck to them like a hearty fellow. 
 Many other stories were told about him, little to his 
 
20 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 credit, but I don't vouch for their truth; because, 
 when he got to be a great man, he fell out with 
 John Bull, who is one of those old fellows that 
 fight and scold at the same time, and, if they can't 
 beat you, are pretty sure to take away your good 
 name. 
 
 Beau Napperty was quite a lad when old Lewis 
 Baboon was killed by his tenants in a drunken frolic. 
 In the confusion that followed he took part with the 
 tenants ; who, after squabbling and fighting with each 
 other about who should be lord of the manor, setting 
 up one and putting down another, and running riot 
 at an awful rate like so many Indians, at last quietly 
 suffered Beau Napperty to put the bit into their 
 mouths, and ride over them rough-shod, as the saying 
 is. They wanted a master, and they got one, with a 
 heart and a hand stout enough to hold in a team 
 of wild horses. 
 
 After this he was always in hot water with his 
 neighbours, especially Squire Bull, with whom he 
 had many a bout at cudgel-playing. He almost al- 
 ways beat John on land, and John always beat him 
 on the water ; so that each had one of the elements 
 to brag on; and as one scuffle balanced the other, 
 neither of them was likely to give out. Some people 
 said this everlasting bickering was the fault of Beau 
 Napperty, and some laid it aU to Squire BuU. For 
 my part, I could never make head or tail of it ; and 
 finally came to the conclusion, that these quarrels, 
 like most others I have seen in my day, were brought 
 about by faults on both sides. It takes two people to 
 make a fight, as it does a flint and a steel to strike 
 fire. Be this as it may, betwixt Beau Napperty 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 21 
 
 and John Bull and his friends, the whole neighbour- 
 hood was kept in a turmoil, from the time I was 
 a little boy until I grew up to be a man and 
 became a justice of the peace on one of Jonathan's 
 farms. 
 
 But whoever began the quarrel. Squire Bull cer- 
 tainly struck the first blow; for I happened to be 
 looking on at the time, as I shall relate in the next 
 chapter. 
 
 CHAPTEK V. 
 
 How Squire Bull took a violent liking to Lewis Baboon (after he was dead), 
 and in company with one Fred Brandenberger, and the old President of 
 the College, set about getting the Manor of Frogmore for his heirs, as 
 they said. 
 
 Now, after the death of Lewis Baboon, John Bull, 
 who bitterly hated him and his whole generation when 
 alive, began to speak well of them, and to talk that it 
 was a shame for this upstart fellow. Beau Napperty, 
 to be suffered to hold the manor of Frogmore. In 
 short, he worked himself up into a violent fit of com- 
 passion and generosity ; insomuch that he determined 
 to set about recovering this inheritance for his partic- 
 ular friends the Baboons, as he said. He forthwith 
 went to work, and sent over whole boat-loads of his 
 tenants, to join the tenants of Fred Brandenberger 
 and the old president, both of whom agreed, from 
 pure love of the Baboons and of Bull's guineas, to 
 help along the good old cause, as it was caUed. 
 
22 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Before they set out, however, these three wise 
 fellows clubbed their brains together, and put up a 
 public notice in divers places, calling upon Baboon's 
 ancient tenants to rise up and kick Beau Napperty 
 out of the manor. They also set forth their long 
 friendship and intimacy with old Lewis Baboon, who, 
 they swore, was one of the best landlords that ever 
 broke bread ; and finally professed the greatest regard, 
 not only for the rights and welfare of the good tenants 
 of Frogmore, but likewise of the whole neighbour- 
 hood. 
 
 Now this was a good one; for everybody knew 
 that Fred Brandenberger and the old President of the 
 College cared no more for their own tenants, much 
 less those of other people, than if they were so many 
 beasts. True it is these tenants were for the most 
 part a set of mean-spirited rascals, who suffered their 
 overseers to kick and cuff them about Ulie dirt ; and, 
 by dint of having their rents raised every quarter-day, 
 their fields laid waste, and their sons taken off by re- 
 cruiting parties, had become so miserably poor, that 
 they were on the very verge of starving. It must, 
 however, be confessed, that BuU's tenants were better 
 off, though their rents were so high that they hardly 
 knew which way to turn themselves to raise the 
 money. In order to pay these rents, the greater part 
 of them were forced to live upon bread and cheese 
 and small-beer. Yet, for aU this, they sung songs 
 about roast heef; so that, though their bellies were 
 filled with bread and cheese and windy smaU-beer, 
 their fancy teemed with sirloins of beef, which was 
 equal to having the best meal in the world. They 
 were also allowed the privilege of grumbling, provided 
 
BKOTHER JONATHAN. 23 
 
 they grumbled in reason; of which John's attorney, 
 one Vicary Gibbs,* was to be the sole judge. 
 
 However, Brandenberger and the old president, 
 who knew their tenants were obliged to believe just 
 what they were pleased to teU them, went' and pasted 
 up, on the gallows and whipping-posts that abound 
 in their manors, an advertisement, calling upon them 
 to come forth and defend their rights, properties, and 
 the good old customs of the manor, against that quar- 
 relsome fellow Beau Napperty, the enemy of right, 
 the friend of wrong, the oppressor of his tenants, and 
 the general disturber of the whole neighbourhood. 
 Then, in order to convince the tenants of their happy 
 condition, they sent round overseers and bailiffs, to 
 take from them what little they had left, that they 
 might be better able to defend the remainder, and, 
 if they demurred, to cudgel them into a proper esti- 
 mation of their rights and liberties. 
 
 The honest tenants wondered, as usual, where these 
 mighty blessings they were thus eaUed upon to de- 
 fend were hid ; and puzzled their heads to little pur- 
 pose to comprehend how the peace of the neighbour- 
 hood was to be preserved by setting it together by 
 the ears ; but they soon had their wits quickened by 
 a proper application of chains and cudgels, and at 
 the same time Bull's sturdy fellows were handsomely 
 cheated into the matter by Mrs. BuU, who was a 
 great talker, and could almost make black appear the 
 white of your eye. 
 
 * Sir Vicaiy Gibbs, attorney-general of England, as such was very bitter 
 politically; and in his prosecutions so much so, as to excite popular indigna- 
 tion. He was appointed in 1813 a puisne judge of the common pleas, and 
 in 1814 chief-justice of the same court; and died in 1820, leaving a high rep- 
 utation for ability and integrity. 
 
24 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 As many battles and cudgelling-bouts will take 
 place in the course of this history, it may be just as 
 well to explain how it happened that Bull and the 
 rest of them did not now and then get clapped up for 
 these breaches of the peace. The truth of the matter 
 is, that John and the rest of the old landlords, though 
 they always put the laws in force against the tenants, 
 paid special little attention to any statute but that of 
 club-law, and never abided by the opinion of any 
 justice, unless it was in their favour. They had, to 
 be sure, a sort of a system of laws among them ; but 
 nobody could ever tell what it was exactly, for they 
 never could agree about it themselves. Whenever 
 there was any dispute, it was mostly settled by a 
 bruising-match, in which all the tenants took part; 
 and the party that got beat was held to be in the 
 wrong. The constables and justices, being generally 
 under the thumbs of the landlords, kept out of the 
 way when there was going to be a battle ; and so it 
 came to pass that aU their disputes were finally settled 
 by the great statute of club-law. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Of Mrs. Bull; and how she made good the old saying, that the gray mare 
 is the better horse. 
 
 It was an old practice in the Bull family, that the 
 heir, immediately on succeeding to the estate, should 
 choose a wife. This custom, I have heard, originated 
 in a few pranks of the ancient Bulls, some of whom 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 25 
 
 are known to have been very mischievous fellows, 
 insomuch that they were continually poaching about 
 and tampering with the tenants' wives, some of whom 
 got their vii-tue not a little singed. 
 
 The manner of choosing John's helpmate is this : — 
 The tenants are apprized that on such a day they are 
 to assemble, to select the squire a wife to take care of 
 the interior of his house, and keep his back warm; 
 and also to watch over the welfare of his tenants, 
 as well as to give her husband good advice. The 
 tenants accordingly come together, and the first thing 
 they do is to get drunk as pipers, in order to be the 
 better able to see clear. When this ceremony is over, 
 they give their voices, some for one and some for 
 another; and she who has the most voices in her 
 favour is immediately put into a great chair, and 
 carried about by the tenants with much rejoicing. 
 After this, those who have had time to grow sober get 
 drunk again, and then go home mightily tickled with 
 their day's work. And this is always the way in 
 which the wives of the Bull family are chosen. 
 
 John Bull in his day had several wives, some of 
 them no better than they should be, and one in par- 
 ticular that fairly drove him out of his house, as 
 may be seen by consulting the records of the manor. 
 His present wife, though not such a termagant as 
 some that he had, was yet one of the most extrava- 
 gant hussies in the world, and spent John's money 
 faster than he could earn it, a great deal. And then 
 her character was not a little fly-blown, for people 
 did not scruple to say that BuU's overseers took great 
 liberties when his back was turned, and in fact did 
 pretty much what they pleased with her. 
 
26 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Be this as it may, one of the first things this lady 
 did was to set about raising some money to pay the 
 expense of turning out Beau Napperty and restoring 
 the Baboons to the manor of Frogmore; for as to 
 Squire Bull, he could not get money to buy a pot 
 of beer without asking his wife for it. 
 
 In order to induce the tenants to come out hand- 
 somely and consent to the raising of their rents, 
 madam began to cry out rape and murder as hard 
 as she could ; and told them that Beau Napperty had 
 a design to come over with a great parcel of boats, to 
 burn their houses and barns, turn them all out of their 
 farms, and pick their pockets handsomely besides. 
 Now Bull's tenants have always been noted for swal- 
 lowing whales, and accordingly they were horribly 
 affrighted when they heard what was coming to pass. 
 They told madam to take away every thing they had 
 in the world, and moreover got together, armed with 
 cudgels, broom-staffs, pitchforks, and what not, deter- 
 mined to defend their empty pockets to the last ex- 
 tremity, and pommel the Beau to his heart's content 
 if he offered to meddle with Madam BuU. It was 
 truly a laughable sight to see them parading back- 
 wards and forwards along the beach, beating the 
 water into a foam with their staffs, and insulting 
 women and children most manfully, just like veteran 
 soldiers. 
 
 When John saw himself so strongly backed, he 
 snapped his fingers, kissed his wife, who he swore 
 was an honest wench, and considered the business as 
 good as done. He had not the least doubt that in a 
 little time his dear friends, the Baboons, would hold 
 up their heads as high as he, Squire BuU, chose to let 
 them. 
 
BEOTHBR JONATHAN. 2T 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 How Squire Bull sent over a party of his tenants to kill frogs in the great 
 Bog-Meadow, and how they caught a Tartar instead of a Bull-frog. 
 
 Bull about this time had a tall, lank-sided, sharp- 
 nosed Overseer,* who always had his hair tied up in a 
 long queue, and wore a pair of breeches that reached 
 about to the middle of his knee-pan. He was thought 
 by those who knew him best to be an honest feUow, 
 and a good friend to John; but a quarrelsome dog, 
 that loved a bout at cudgel-playing above all things, 
 and hated Beau Napperty worse than Satan himself. 
 To gratify this hatred, he did not care how much 
 money he wasted ; and as long as he could get at the 
 tenants' coffers by means of John's wife, who kept 
 the keys, he did not care whether the squire had 
 money to pay his score or not. In the course of a 
 few years he ran poor John in debt up to the ears, 
 insomuch that it was and is still supposed that he 
 will never be able to pay a quarter of it, if he were 
 to live fifty years longer. 
 
 This thunder-bolt of a fellow, finding John one day 
 in a humour to do a silly thing, put it into his wise 
 head to play Beau Napperty a trick by sending some 
 of his tenants across the mill-pond, to break down the 
 fences, fill up the ditches, and burn the hay-stacks, in a 
 large bog-meadow called Bdlygium, from the portly 
 bellies of the honest ditchers that had burrowed in 
 
 * William Pitt, noted for his lank figure and short breeches. Gilray 
 called him "the bottomless Pitt", and represented him so in his carica- 
 ture. 
 
28 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 the mud there. This place Beau Napperty had some- 
 how got into his possession, and by reason of its 
 being low and subject to overflowings, it abounded 
 with fine large frogs, of which the Beau and his ten- 
 ants were exceedingly fond. Now the cunning over- 
 seer did persuade Squire Bull, that if he could only 
 once get possession of this bog-meadow, the tenants 
 of Frogmore would labour under such a scarcity of 
 frogs, that as sure as a gun they would get into a pas- 
 sion, and turn Beau Napperty neck and heels out 
 of the manor. 
 
 John thought this the very wisest plan he had ever 
 heard of in the whole course of his life. He forth- 
 with swallowed a huge flagon of small-beer, a liquor 
 exceedingly potent in sharpening a man's wits ; rubbed 
 his hands with great glee; put his forefinger to his 
 nose, with a most knowing bend of his head to- 
 wards the right, and then ordered his son Fred to be 
 called. 
 
 Fred* was a stout, brawny young fellow, originally 
 intended for a parson, though I cannot learn that he 
 ever preached, except over his liquor. Not liking a 
 parson's life much, he enlisted in the army ; and, by 
 dint of mounting guard a few times, wearing a great 
 cocked-hat and a red coat, swearing stoutly, and 
 drinking deeply, acquired great experience, and rose 
 to be a joUy royster of a corporal. When John saw 
 Fred come strutting into the parlour, looking like a 
 most invincible bully-rock, he was wellnigh tickled 
 to death with his gaUant deportment, and swore that 
 
 * Frederick, Duke of York, and Bishop of Osnaburg. 1835 Bishop 
 
 of Osnaburg was a German lay tiUe, derived from the secularized bishopric 
 of 0., and appropriated to younger sons of the Bang of Hanover. 
 
BKOTHEB JONATHAN. 29 
 
 none but Corporal Fred should go with the party to 
 kill frogs in the great meadow. Then did Bull gather 
 together a great many boats and catamarans ; he put 
 many of his most expert tenantry aboard, and fairly 
 pushed them off, with orders not to spare a single 
 soul among all the frogs.* 
 
 Now when the fractious little Beau Napperty heard 
 that Bull had sent over his tenantry to commit tres- 
 pass upon his marshes, he fell into one of the greatest 
 passions ever known, and swore that Parson Fred 
 should rue the hour he came over into his pastures. 
 Then did he gather a great body of his tenants from 
 all parts of the manor of Frogmore ; then did he 
 make a speech of one minute and a half, the longest 
 he ever made, in which he exhorted them to defend 
 right valiantly their beloved frogs ; assuring them at 
 the same time, that if any of them got a black 
 eye or broken head in the scuffle, they should every 
 mother's son of them be made corporals. He then 
 threw his cocked-hat into the air, and bawled out lib- 
 erty and equality as if the old boy had been in him. 
 Upon this the light-heeled Frogmoreans cut a caper 
 full two yards high, and scampered off, fully resolved 
 to carbonado Parson Fred pretty handsomely. 
 
 Everybody knows the upshot of this business, so 
 there is no occasion for me to tell it over again. Suf- 
 fice it to say, that Parson Fred played his old pranks. 
 Instead of keeping his party together, and looking 
 out for the Frogmoreans and the frogs, he was al- 
 ways carousing it lustily; inquiring me out where 
 the best taverns were, and where he could find store 
 of goodly, plump, round, rosy-faced wenches, of which 
 * The expedition to Dunkirk, in 1793. 
 
30 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 last he was mightily fond, insomuch that he would 
 almost give up his liquor for them. 
 
 While he was thus wasting his time, the Frog- 
 moreans came, a singing songs, cutting capers like 
 grasshoppers, and flourishing their broom-staffs, with 
 full intention of giving BuU's tenants a how-d'ye-do 
 that they would not forget as long as they lived. 
 John's fellows, as they always do, stood to it man- 
 fully; and if Corporal Fred had kept himself sober, 
 they would most likely have played the mischief with 
 the frogs, and laid a great many of them on their 
 backs. But honest Fred, instead of minding his eye, 
 was, as usual, busily employed carousing it away, so 
 that in a little time it was found necessary to fall 
 hack — a cant phrase of John Bull, who is famous 
 for cant and slang — and which means running away 
 as fast as legs can carry you. This falling hack con- 
 tinued tin they found themselves near the shores of 
 the miR-pond ; when, not being able to fall back any 
 farther unless they fell into the water, they were 
 obliged to promise the Frogmoreans, that, if they 
 would let them go about their business, they would 
 never come there again. 
 
 The Frogmoreans consented with great pleasure, 
 being heartily glad to get rid of such a set of sturdy 
 dogs, who every one took as much thrashing as a 
 good sheaf of wheat. As for the honest Belgians, 
 or BeUygians, they would actually have rejoiced too 
 at the departure of the roystering parson and his 
 buxom crew, had their phlegmatic dispositions admit- 
 ted of such a great exertion. 
 
 Squire Bull was inclined to grumble at the iU suc- 
 cess of this frog-party, more especially when he came 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 31 
 
 to look over Fred's tavern-bill; he made wry faces, 
 and had a great mind to bastinado the corporal, until 
 his slim overseer with the short breeches told him it 
 was one of the most brilliant affairs that ever hap- 
 pened; and that though there was not much profit 
 got by it, there was a vast deal of honour. He like- 
 wise assured him that though Corporal Fred was a 
 little too fond of the bottle, yet when he was sober 
 he was quite a match for the pope, the d — 1, and Beau 
 Napperty, together. Bull, who was as much afraid 
 of the pope as a child is of a bugaboo, and with 
 about the same reason, was tickled to the heart to 
 hear he had such a bully in his family, and forthwith 
 began to assume the airs of a gigantic champion and 
 invincible boxer. 
 
 Instead of minding his business as he used to do, 
 weaving his cloth, and keeping his forge going, he did 
 nothing but flourish his cudgel, swearing at the same 
 time that one of his tenants would thrash two Frog- 
 moreans, and that he would soon do Beau Napperty's 
 business for him, that's what he would. 
 
 CHAPTER Vm. 
 
 How Squire Btill incontinently turned knight-errant, and went about 
 righting the wrongs of all his neighbours, in such a manner that they all 
 wished in their hearts he would mind his own afiairs, and let them alone. 
 
 It was about this time, I think, that BuU took it 
 into his wise head, that, being such a valiant boxer 
 and expert cudgel-player, and able besides to go 
 
82 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 through the horse-exercise with the broadsword, it 
 was his business not only to take care of his own 
 tenants, but also of all his neighbours. Accordingly, 
 when "any of the neighbours complained of Beau Nap- 
 perty, John took their part without making the least 
 inquiry into who was right or who was wrong. He 
 was always ready to help them along, though in gen- 
 eral they were the most beggarly tatterdemalions in 
 the world, and heartily deserved what they got, for suf- 
 fering their own landlords to impose upon them as 
 they did. 
 
 I will give an instance of Bull's humorous and 
 laughable knight-errantry, as a specimen of his mode 
 of righting his neighbours' wrongs. Adjoining the 
 manor of Frogmore, at no great distance from Bullock 
 Island, there is a long POINT* puts out far into the mill- 
 pond, which belonged to an old fellow who boasted of 
 his great family, and used to tell everybody that his 
 manor was so extensive that the sun never set upon 
 it. Puffed up with his vast landed property, he took 
 great state upon himself, and passed his time like a 
 perfect gentleman, without doing any thing but play 
 the fiddle and ride a hunting. In fact, he thought 
 himself such a high fellow, though a most ignomi- 
 nious poltroon and notorious cuckold, that he lorded 
 it over his tenants as if they were so many beasts of 
 burden. What with raising of rents, paying the par- 
 sons, of whom our stout lord himself stood in great 
 awe, and the consequent idleness of the tenants, who 
 had no spirit to work for the d — 1 and find them- 
 selves, as they said, the manor, though excellent land, 
 had got to be quite barren for want of cultivation. 
 * Spain. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 33 
 
 The tenants also, though once a lively, industrious set 
 of fellows, -were now little better than a pack of igno- 
 rant, superstitious knaves, so that every one that saw 
 them thought it was high time that the old codger of 
 a landlord was turned out, and somebody else put in 
 his place. 
 
 Now Beau Napperty, who was a stanch admirer 
 of the rights of men, and liked to keep them all to 
 himself, having a great parcel of poor relations to pro- 
 vide for, thought to himself that he would take away 
 the manor, and give it to his brother Joe* So what 
 does my gentleman do but invite Don Carlos,f as he 
 was nicknamed, and his family, to come and take pot- 
 luck with him. They accepted his invitation, bringing 
 with them aU the children ; and Beau Napperty took 
 good care they should not find their way home again 
 Then he sent his brother Joe to take possession of the 
 manor, by the grace of God, as he was pleased to 
 term it. The first thing Joey's people did was to rob. 
 a church, by which he got a good swarm of priests 
 about his ears. They forthwith called Joey all sorts 
 of names ; and exhorted the tenants to rise up in de- 
 fence of the invaluable privilege of being plundered 
 by Don Carlos. 
 
 The tenants found this but reasonable ; and, com- 
 ing from all quarters, began to rain such a shower of 
 dry blows on Joey, that he was fain to make a preci- 
 pitate retreat from his farm-house of Mad-ride, which 
 is so called because the women are all madcaps, and. 
 the tenants ride as if they were out of their wits,. — that 
 is, on jackasses instead of horses. 
 
 When the great righter of wrongs, Squire BuU,. 
 
 * Joseph Bonaparte. t Charies IV. of Spain. 
 
 8 
 
34 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 heard that Beau Napperty had seized the old don's 
 manor, he, as usual, began to swear till he was blue. 
 He called the don his particular friend and bottle- 
 companion, though they had never given each other a 
 good word in the whole course of their lives, and were 
 always snarling and fighting about nothing. And 
 finally, Bull urged, as a particular reason for taking 
 the part of the old don, that he belonged to the an- 
 cient family of the Baboons, for whom, ever since he 
 had nothing to fear from them, he professed the most 
 invincible friendship. 
 
 Resolved to put this matter right in favour of his 
 old friends, he set himseK to work, and gathering a 
 huge parcel of boats, he put his tenants on board, and 
 sent them over to the Point, to help along in resisting 
 Beau Napperty and his brother Joey. The old don's 
 tenants, who did not want anybody to meddle in their 
 affairs, looked askance at these unwelcome intruders, 
 whom their parsons styled a set of wicked rascals, be- 
 cause they did not hold that a piece of bread was a 
 shoulder of mutton. So they told Squire Bull's ten- 
 ants they might go to some other market with their 
 mutton, and, as they came over without an invita- 
 tion, they might get back as they could. Now the 
 poor misled fellows turned themselves to get home 
 again ; but, before they were able to reach their boats, 
 they were heartily drubbed by some of Beau Nap- 
 perty's tenants, and lost all their clothes and pro- 
 visions. 
 
 But Squire Bull was as obstinate as a mule, espe- 
 cially when he happened to be in the wrong; and 
 stuck to it manfully, until he at last succeeded in re- 
 dressing the injuries of old Don Carlos, by putting his 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 35 
 
 son Don Ferdinand* in possession of the Point. And 
 Don Ferdinand showed his gratitude by doing John 
 all the ill-turns in his power. 
 
 While Squire Bull was thus disinterestedly fighting 
 for the liberties of the neighbourhood in one quarter, 
 Beau Napperty was not behind-hand in upholding 
 the rights of man in another. This John called de- 
 fending the church, and Beau Napperty protecting 
 the rights of man, — one and indivisible. Betwixt the 
 two, the whole neighbourhood, far and near, by land 
 and by water, was kept in a state to which plague, 
 pestilence, and starvation, are no more than " a 
 huckleberry to a persimmon," as they say in some of 
 brother Jonathan's farms down South. They put 
 me in mind of a fable I made out of my own head 
 one day, which I will write down here, as I think it 
 too good to be lost. 
 
 The porcupine was once seized with an unaccount- 
 able fit of universal benevolence, so that he could 
 never see any of the weaker sort of animals but he 
 must pity them, and either carry them on his back, or 
 cover them with his body, for fear the sky might fall 
 on them, as he said. The consequence was, most of 
 the poor little devils got so pricked and worried by 
 the quills of their troublesome protector, that in a 
 short time they had scarcely a drop of blood left in 
 their bodies, and were reduced to skin and bone. 
 Upon this the wretched survivors came to him in a 
 body, and with great humility requested, that in fu- 
 ture, when his majesty saw them in any difficulty, he 
 would graciously suffer them to get out of it as well 
 as they could, without his " non-intervention." 
 * Ferdinand VII. of Spain. 
 
36 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Li this way John wasted his substance and played 
 his pranks, untU he got all the neighbours about his 
 ears except Brother Jonathan, whom however he soon 
 after mortally offended by some of his foolish new- 
 fangled pretensions. 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 How Beau Napperty cunningly manages to humbug Squire Bull into 
 several absurd capers. 
 
 Beau Nappertt, the lord of the manor of Frog- 
 more, which is just over against Bullock Island, was 
 a knowing fellow as any you wiU see, and had studied 
 Squire Bull's character until he could read him back- 
 wards. He knew him to be an obstinate old fellow, 
 who, when he once got any thing into his head, stuck 
 to it as a fowl does to a crumb. He also knew by 
 experience, that whenever he did any thing, good or 
 bad. Squire BuU would set his face against it, merely 
 to show his independent spirit. Accordingly, when- 
 ever he wanted to bring any thing to pass that was 
 out of his own power to do, he made John do it 
 for him, by pretending to be at something quite the 
 contrary. 
 
 Now Squire BuU and Beau Napperty, as every- 
 body knows, by reason of their continually disputing 
 and railing at each other like village shrews, and of a 
 thousand offices of bad neighbourhood, had at last ar- 
 rived at such a pitch of hatred, that they would not 
 have hesitated one moment to ruin their tenants to a 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 37 
 
 man by their rascally quarrels, rather than frankly 
 shake hands, and forgive and forget like good fellows. 
 If either of them could do the other an ill-turn, he did 
 not care how much his tenants or the innocent neigh- 
 bours suflfered by it, for they were set upon ruining 
 each other, whatever might be the consequence. 
 Every day they were denouncing each other as rogues 
 and I know not what. One day, Bull would publish 
 Beau Napperty for the greatest thief in all the neigh- 
 bourhood; the next. Beau Napperty would advertise 
 Bull as the most notorious pirate in the world ; until 
 at last the better sort of people began to think they 
 were neither of them any better than they should 
 be ; and I believe they were not much out in their 
 reckoning. 
 
 Among the various plans invented by Beau Nap^ 
 perty to get John into difficulties, was one which 
 succeeded to a miracle, as it afforded Squire BuU a 
 pretext to revive his claim to the exclusive property 
 of the mill-pond. This was aU John wanted, as I said 
 before; and he snapped at it as if it had been the 
 most delicious morsel in the world. 
 
 Now Beau Napperty's plan was this. He knew 
 that as long as Squire Bull continued to carry on the 
 brisk traffic with his neighbours which his great num- 
 ber of boats and the excellent quality of his wares 
 enabled him to do, he would be able, in spite of all 
 his mad capers, to keep himself out of jail. He 
 therefore set to work to knock this business on the 
 head ; and went about boasting that he would take 
 care in future that none of the neighbours should 
 carry on any business with Bull, or receive any of his 
 wares; for if he found it out he would burn every 
 
38 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 stitch of them. He then put on his little cocked-hat, 
 buckled on his enormous toasting-iron, and blus- 
 tering roundly among the neighbours, soon bullied 
 most of them into shutting their landings to BuU's 
 boats.* 
 
 Brother Jonathan, however, who was the very best 
 customer Bull ever had, paid no attention to this 
 floxuish of Beau Napperty, but went on doing 
 business with the squire as usual. Yet did that 
 foolish old fellow just manage to do for Beau Nap- 
 perty what he could not have done for himself. 
 
 Bull, as is too often the case with warm old cod- 
 gers who have more money than wit, was generally 
 surrounded by plenty of poor rogues; who, by hu- 
 mouring his whims, and patting his foibles on the 
 back, managed to live at his expense, and generally 
 got something handsome settled upon them in the 
 end. 
 
 These rogues, though they could not for the life of 
 them help laughing at Bull's claims to the miU-pond, 
 yet, on hearing of Beau Napperty's grand Frogmore 
 flourish which I just mentioned, told the squire that 
 now was the time to drive aU the neighbours clear 
 from the pond, which he might do without losing his 
 character, under pretence of being even with them 
 for shutting him from their landings. They swore he 
 was sole proprietor not only of this mill-pond, but of 
 all the miU-ponds in the universe; and then they 
 would tip each other the wink, as much as to say, 
 What a rum-jockey Johnny is. 
 
 "What made John the more eagerly bite at this, 
 was a notion that he had now a fine opportunity of 
 * The Berlin decree. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 39 
 
 paying off some of the old score he owed Brother 
 Jonathan, whona he hated not a little, and of whose 
 prosperity he had a long time been jealous. But this 
 was a secret which he had sense enough to keep 
 to himself; he therefore pretended to take all these 
 rogues said for gospel — and it would have made you 
 split your sides to see him pull up his old leather 
 breeches with one hand, and with the other pelt 
 Jonathan's boats as far as he could see them. This, 
 in the cant of the day, he called maintaining the 
 freedom of the mUl-pond, encouraging boat-sailing, 
 and other rare names, that signified directly the re- 
 verse of what the squire did. 
 
 John's prime excuse for this new method of main- 
 taining the freedom of the mill-pond was, that it was 
 done to retaliate upon Beau Napperty; for he main- 
 tained that since the neighbours were not allowed to 
 trade with him, it was but right that they should be 
 prevented from carrying on any business with Beau 
 Napperty. This was what he called impartial jus- 
 tice; and the squire swore roundly, that whoever 
 grumbled at such a fair retaliation, was not a bit 
 better than a hanger-on of Beau Napperty. He used 
 to boast, too, that by this rare system he should in a 
 little time reduce Beau Napperty and his tenants to 
 skin and bone; though at the very moment he was 
 sUly supplying them with whatever they wanted. 
 
40 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 How Squire Bull was mortal mad at Jonathan for giving shelter to his poor 
 tenants, who came over because they could not get enough to eat at 
 home. 
 
 The great sufferer by these pranks of Squire Bull 
 was Brother Jonathan, who had never taken any 
 part in these vUe quarrels, but continued to carry on 
 his business with whomsoever gave the best price for 
 his grain, without minding much either the Beau or 
 the squire. He cared not a rush for Beau Napperty's 
 threat against the neighbours who did business with 
 Bull, and, so far from submitting, went openly to 
 BuUock with his grain, just as he used to do before. 
 
 Formerly the pope and the d — 1 were the prime 
 objects of John Bull's hatred, and it was a moot 
 point to which of them he bore the greatest anti- 
 pathy. Afterward he came to dislike Brother Jona- 
 than exceedingly ; but, in the end. Beau Napperty 
 came in for a principal share of his abomination. 
 He never, however, missed a fair opportunity of 
 giving a fatherly benediction to Jonathan, who had, 
 since his first quarrel with the squire, given him 
 divers causes of offence. By keeping aloof from the 
 disputes of the neighbours, and by a sober, discreet 
 behaviour, Jonathan had, without any intention of 
 injuring the old squire, got a great deal of his busi- 
 ness from him. Now the squire, who had suffered 
 greatly in the trial between him and Beau Napperty 
 who should do each other the most. harm, could not 
 bear to see Jonathan enjoying the fruits of his peace- 
 able disposition. 
 
BBOTHEB JONATHAN. 41 
 
 Another great eyesore to Squire Bull was this: 
 Jonathan had such a great quantity of land to spare, 
 and his farms held out so many temptations to Bull's 
 tenants, that, whenever they had an opportunity, 
 they would leave Bullock Island and come over to 
 settle. They were always received with kindness, 
 and assisted with many little neighbourly offices. 
 This the squire swore was undermining his interests, 
 and acting the part of a secret enemy ; because it was 
 Jonathan's duty, as a good neighbour, to drive them 
 home again. " Zounds ! " would the squire exclaim, 
 in a furious passion, " no man born in my manor 
 shall ever get out of it, if I can prevent him. It 
 is the happiest, the most pious, moral, plentiful, and 
 all that sort of thing, manor in the world ; and those 
 who can't live in it may starve, for aught I care." 
 This he said when in many parts of his manor one 
 sixth of the tenants were on the parish, and another 
 sixth living on a short allowance of oatmeal and 
 potatoes. 
 
 The fact of there being more people in Bullock 
 manor than it could support, without a more equal 
 division of the land, was so notorious, that a fusty 
 old bachelor wrote a book against breeding up chil- 
 dren to starve. He was answered by another, and a 
 controversy arose, which lasted tiU iiobody would 
 read a word more on the subject.* In the meantime, 
 the women, who won't listen to reason, went on in 
 their old way, and the evil increased. 
 
 For aU this, the squire's maxim was, once a tenant 
 always a tenant; and such was his wrath against 
 Brother Jonathan for giving his poor runaways a 
 * A reference to the controversy about Malthus's book. 
 
42 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 meal of victuals sometimes, that in revenge he used 
 to chase Jonathan's boats, and when he overtook 
 them would kidnap his rowers, under pretence of 
 their being his runaway tenants. It must be noted, 
 that though Bull held that no tenant could leave Bul- 
 lock manor, yet he made no scruple whatever of 
 sheltering the tenants of the neighbouring farms 
 whenever they came over, which indeed was but sel- 
 dom, for they were pretty sure of getting insulted by 
 the squire's tenants, who cock up their tails and 
 cackle like fowls in a barn-yard whenever a strange 
 bird comes among them. 
 
 Now Brother Jonathan, though a pretty hard talker 
 and a considerable dealer in words, was in the main 
 a good-natured young fellow, who did not lightly get 
 into a quarrel, but loved gain, and hated fighting 
 if he could avoid it. He therefore pocketed these 
 affronts of BuU with a few Awry faces, and continued 
 to treat him with respect, though, in addition to aU 
 these ill-turns, John used every now and then to fling 
 it into Jonathan's teeth that he had a sneaking kind- 
 ness for Beau Napperty, which I believe was a piece 
 of the squire's own invention. 
 
 Affairs were in this way when Bull, as I before 
 said, put forth his pretensions to the property of the 
 mill-pond, and ordered his boats, which swarmed all 
 over, to take any of Jonathan's they found looking 
 towards Frogmore, unless they had stopped at one of 
 his landings to pay for his permission.* Then it was 
 that most of John Bull's sensible tenants began to 
 perceive that the squire had a soft place in his skull. 
 They could see with half an eye that Beau Napperty 
 * British oideis in council, &c. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 43 
 
 neither had prevented nor could prevent Jonathan 
 from carrying on his business with Bullock Island, 
 and, that if matters were left to their natural course, 
 all Jonathan's trade would come into Bull's hands. 
 Besides all this, they foresaw that John's conduct 
 would at length overcome Jonathan's patience, and in 
 a little time deprive him of the only real friend he had 
 in the world. They felt, despite all that was said by 
 John's secret friends dispersed over Jonathan's farms, 
 about his great liking for Beau Napperty, that the 
 young man, who ate, drank, spoke, thought, and did 
 every thing like his father, was willing, nay anxious, 
 to be on good terms with him, if he was only treated 
 with common politeness. He had beat BuU like a 
 man, and forgiven him like a good fellow. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 How Jonathan consulted his wifte about these matters aforesaid, and got 
 plenty of talk, but no cider. 
 
 All the former pranks of Bull had been borne by 
 Jonathan with most exemplary patience. True it is, 
 he sometimes complained, and his wife scolded ; but 
 this generally blew over in a little time, and all was 
 calm again. But when at last the squire began to 
 meddle with his pockets, and to rob his boats under 
 pretence that they were going over to Frogmore, Jon- 
 athan began to be angry, as well he might. 
 
 He straightway called unto him his wife,* laid the 
 * Congress. 
 
44 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 case before her, and asked her what was best to be 
 done. This new wife of Jonathan's was a plaguy 
 hard hand to deal with, and had just as much to say- 
 in the house as Mrs. Bull. Indeed, Jonathan could 
 do nothing without her having a finger in the pie. 
 She was an honest woman enough, as times go ; but 
 when you've said that you've said every thing — for 
 she did nothing but talk, talk, all day, and sometimes 
 all night, so that poor Jonathan could hardly sleep 
 for her. 
 
 The honest truth of the matter is, that she was one 
 of the most whimsical, cross-grained, contradictory, 
 and bedevilled termagants, that ever fell to the lot of 
 mortal man. With but one body, she had as many 
 Aninds as she could hold, and was almost always of 
 V at least seventeen* different opinions. Her face had 
 all the appearance of one of your patchwork coverlets, 
 and the different parts seemed to be collected from 
 aU quarters of the globe. She had an eastern squint 
 of the eye, a northern aspect, and a southern com- 
 plexion. Then her language resembled the confusion 
 of Babel ; at one time she talked like a Frogmorean, 
 at another like BuU's wife herself; sometimes she 
 talked half-French half-English, and very rarely she 
 talked like Brother Jonathan's wife. 
 
 This capricious lady had undergone various changes 
 since she became the poor man's helpmate. One time 
 she was bedizened out like one of Bull's cast-off mis- 
 tresses, and then would my lady insist that Jonathan 
 should hug Bull in his arms, for he was an honest old 
 
 • The number of the States remained at this figuie for between nine and 
 ten years, Ohio, the Seventeenth, having been admitted on the 29th of 
 November, 1802, and Louisiana, the Eighteenth, on the 8th of April, 1812. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 45 
 
 fellow as any in the world. But the very next minute, 
 perhaps, she would come out dressed in all the tawdry 
 finery of one of Beau Napperty's ladies, with her 
 face painted as red as fire, and her neck and shoulders 
 all bare : and then she would insist upon it that Jon- 
 athan should have no friend but Beau Napperty, who 
 was the most sincere, good-natured, agreeable, and 
 entertaining little caitiff that ever escaped hanging. 
 In some of her sober fits, which however occurred 
 very seldom, she would appear in the decent home- 
 spun dress that became the wife of a plain yeoman 
 like Jonathan, and then she would talk in a manner 
 exceedingly sensible and rational. In short, to sum 
 up the character of this whimsical lady, there were 
 hardly as many humours among the multifarious 
 wives and concubines of Solomon, as were concen- 
 trated and gathered together in this singular composi- 
 tion of notions, called Brother Jonathan's wife. 
 
 CHAPTER Xn. 
 
 How Jonathan began to bristle up when he found his boatmen did not pay 
 as they used to. 
 
 Jonathan seldom or never consulted this wife of 
 his, without having abundance of reason to rail at the 
 respectable institution of matrimony. Heaven pre- 
 serve us !, how she would scold whenever any thing 
 went wrong in the affairs of Jonathan's farms ; and 
 how she would lecture the poor man about any thing 
 that came into her head, until Jonathan, finding she 
 
46 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 ■would have her say, thought to let her say what she 
 pleased first, in hopes she would let him do as he 
 liked afterwards. 
 
 Now when Jonathan got the account of Squire 
 Bull's order to seize aU his boats on their way to the 
 manor of Frogmore, he consulted his wife about the 
 method of proceeding; but that talkative lady, as 
 usual, before he had half got through with his story, 
 fell into a furious passion and began to abuse Squire 
 Bull. I wish you had heard the pretty names she 
 fastened upon his back. She called him prating gab- 
 bler, liquorish glutton, lubberly lout, ruffian rogue, 
 paltry customer, scoffing braggart, cod's-head booby, 
 noddipeak simpleton, ninnyhammer gnat-snapper, and 
 various other names that nobody cordd tell where she 
 picked up. 
 
 Every morning of her life, regularly, as soon as 
 breakfast was over, for at least six months, did she 
 ring the changes, over and over again, on the subject 
 of Squire Bull's order, with this single difference, that 
 when she was tired of rating BuU, she would turn 
 about and give Beau Napperty and Brother Jonathan 
 a most fearful broadside. Jonathan turned up the 
 whites of his eyes, shrugged his shoulders, abused his 
 stars, and groaned in spirit, to hear his dame talk at 
 such a furious rate ; and, finding there was nothing 
 but incoherences and abuse to be got from her, ad- 
 vised her, as the warm weather was coming on, to 
 make a tour round the farms till the dog-days were 
 over. 
 
 Madam accordingly took herself off, and Jonathan 
 for some time enjoyed a little comfort, and smoked his 
 pipe in peace. But this calm lasted not long; the 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 47 
 
 winter approached, the lady returned to the Hall, 
 and as, during her recess, Bull had been at his old 
 tricks, her disposition to scold was stronger than ever. 
 
 The patience of honest Jonathan, too, was now 
 worn quite threadbare ; and he began to think it was 
 high time to toe the mark, and try to put an end 
 to the squire's troublesome pretensions. He was not 
 a little spurred on to this by the grumbling of his 
 boatmen, who began to complain that they could not 
 go out into the miU-pond on the most trifling occa- 
 sions, without being insulted, or having some of their 
 rowers taken away by John's boats. They further 
 told Jonathan, that if matters did not soon mend, 
 they should be obliged to haul in their horns, and 
 walk afoot on Sundays, instead of riding to church in 
 fine painted wagons. 
 
 The tradesmen of Jonathan's farms, who under their 
 good easy landlord had grown rich, assured him, that 
 only a few years before, they could afford their wives 
 and daughters silk stockings, fine muslins, pearl breast- 
 pins, and pianos, and such like luxuries; but now, 
 such was the unparalleled distress of his estate, these 
 poor creatures were obliged to put up with shabby 
 Canton crapes and old-fashioned silks, and, instead 
 of playing the piano or reading novels, were brought 
 to the degrading necessity of making up their own 
 linen, and even mending their own clothes. 
 
 I believe I have observed before that Brother Jona- 
 than was a lad who would not fight without good 
 / reason, and was not easily put in a passion. He was 
 not a man always on the look-out for a quarrel, like 
 Bull, and, indeed, often put up with iU treatment 
 "^ rather than disturb the neighbourhood. It was this 
 
 h 
 
 I 
 
48 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 which encouraged the squire to treat him as he did ; 
 for his toad-eaters always assured him that he might 
 fillip Jonathan o' the nose as often as he pleased, 
 without making him do any thing more than bluster 
 a little. But they didn't know Jonathan, as we shall 
 see anon. I must say that he held what your great 
 folks call honour, dog-cheap; likening it to a great 
 bone, which, being thrown out into the highway, sets 
 aU the dogs of the neighbourhood by the ears. He 
 used to say, for he often talked more sensibly than 
 people expected from such a raw country-feUow, that 
 this same honour was in general nothing but ambition, 
 revenge, envy, self-interest, or some other scoundrel 
 passion, the victim of which, knowing that if he came 
 out with it in its naked deformity he would be scouted 
 at, did dress it up in the likeness of something respect- 
 able, and palm it upon the world. 
 
 /Among other singular notions, Jonathan held that 
 R. man ought to try all possible means of redress 
 ^before he undertook to right himself by force ; which 
 opinion was exactly opposite to that of his neigh- 
 bours, with whom it was generally a word and a blow, 
 the latter of which commonly came first. 
 
 But though our shrewd Jonathan cared little for 
 that kind of fighting which turns upon what fine folks 
 call the point of honour, he had spirit to resent inju- 
 ries. Fighting honour he likened to a great bully, 
 who generally appears with a broken head or a black 
 eye. But there was another kind of honour on which 
 he prided himself — the honour of being a father to 
 his tenants, and making them comfortable in this 
 world. 
 
 When, therefore, he found that BuU's foolish pre- 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 49 
 
 tensions began to undermine the prosperity of his 
 people, he seriously set to work to bring John to 
 reason, if possible. He first took away all his business 
 from BuU, and refused to have any thing to do with 
 his tenants in the way of barter.* It is supposed 
 pretty generally, that if Jonathan had held on obsti- 
 nately to this, it would in the end have prevented the 
 terrible hubbub which afterwards took place. But 
 here his own tenants did the business for him. They 
 raised such a clatter about his ears, that in a little 
 time he was obliged to permit the boatmen, who said 
 Jonathan was a poltroon and ought to fight Bull 
 at once, to go out and get pommelled and robbed 
 to their hearts' content. 
 
 Being driven from this plan of bringing the squire 
 to reason, he determined, before trying the strength 
 of his arm against Bull, to see what the law would 
 do for him. 
 
 CHAPTER Xm. 
 
 How Jonathan brongbt his action of damages against Squire Bnll, but 
 was cast under the old statute of club-law. 
 
 Jonathan therefore filed his declaration against 
 Bull, of piracy on the high seas, trover and conversion, 
 trespass on the case, covenant, debt, detinue, eject- 
 ment, waste, and quare clausum /regit. He also sued 
 him upon the statute ; upon action popular ; action 
 
 * The embargo act of December, 1807, and other similar measures of less 
 extensive application. 
 
 4 
 
50 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 civil ; action personal ; action mixed ; action real ; and 
 action temporary and perpetual. He thought the 
 dense would be in it if he did not catch Bull in some 
 of these snares, and lay him by the heels. This, dec- 
 laration I think they called it, took up about four 
 quires of paper; had one hundred and ninety-seven 
 counts, and contained the usual amount of repetitions 
 and words that signify nothing. 
 
 After the customary delays, the suit came on be- 
 fore one Justice Scout ;* and Jonathan's lawyer, who 
 was selected, like a race-horse, for his wind, made a 
 speech, in which he said the same things over and 
 over again so often, that, had not the honest justice 
 fallen fast asleep, he must have been more than 
 mortal. Bull's lawyer answered him in a speech 
 which all the people in court said was twice as good, 
 because it was twice as long. Mr. Justice Scout, 
 being refreshed by his nap, listened to him with great 
 attention, and took several notes, Which made folks 
 think the speech was a very deep one. 
 
 These speeches being made, and everybody being 
 quite tired, the court adjourned. The next day, at 
 it they went again ; and Jonathan's lawyer proved 
 clearly enough, that, by the old customs of the neigh- 
 bourhood, aU the neighbours had an equal privilege to 
 use the mill-pond, except just as far as the water-lots 
 extended in front of the different manors and farms. 
 In reply, the squire's lawyer cited some old parch- 
 ments, which nobody could ever find; talked of the 
 ancient rights of the BuU family, which nobody ever 
 acknowledged; and of old customs of the manor, 
 which no soul could remember. But what he partic- 
 
 * Sir William Scott. 1835. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 51 
 
 ularly dwelt on was the statute of club-law, which, 
 though not in any books that he knew of, was older 
 than the common-law ; had always been acted upon 
 by the Bull family, and had this singular excellence, 
 that it applied equally to every side of every question, 
 and justified every action, good or bad. 
 
 The proofs being got through, Mr. Justice Scout, 
 like a most worshipful and upright fellow, sent to 
 Squire Bull to know how the law stood that day, as 
 one asks which way the wind blows, knowing that it 
 is always changing. BuU told the justice that the law 
 of the day was that Jonathan must lose his boats, and 
 pay handsome costs into the bargain, to sicken him 
 of going to law. When Justice Scout got his cue, he 
 pretended, in order to make people believe that he fol- 
 lowed his own judgment, that, this being a very 
 knotty cause, he must have time to make up his mind. 
 Then he dismissed the court till next day, went home, 
 swallowed a good supper, and slept all night, without 
 once thinking of Jonathan or his cause. 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 How Justice Scout proved that changing one's mind is a proof that one 
 grows wiser, and that a real wise man is like a goose, and casts his opin- 
 ions as often as she does her feathers. 
 
 The next day Justice Scout gave his opinion 
 thus : — 
 
 " Gentlemen, 
 
 " It was a maxim of former times, that if a man 
 would be uniformly wise, he must change his mind 
 
52 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 every day. Now, as I alter my opinions whenever 
 the wind changes, I must be a wise man. 'Tis true, 
 I said the other day that the law was the same at all 
 times and to all persons ; but having since that grown 
 a wonderful deal wiser, I have wisely altered my 
 opinion. It would be a fine thing, truly, if a stranger 
 had the same rights in Bullock Island as the lord of 
 the manor himself. No, no ; let us have none of these 
 new-fangled principles of liberty and equality foisted 
 over the old and unchangeable customs of the manor. 
 Law, in fact, is one thing one day, and another thing 
 another day ; which is entirely agreeable to the oldest 
 and greatest law in the world, the law of nature, 
 which on the very face of it declares that all things 
 are subject to change. ReaUy, gentlemen, it seems 
 nonsense to insist on these obvious points. Would 
 you fly in the face of nature? Certainly not; and 
 therefore, I take it for granted, you will all see the 
 propriety of changing the law of boats every day or 
 two. 
 
 " The law, as it stands to-day, is — " Here Justice 
 Scout sent his tipstaff to Squire Bull, to know if the 
 law had not changed since yesterday, and, being satis- 
 fied on this point, went on — 
 
 " The law, gentlemen, as it stands to-day, is, that 
 Mr. Jonathan having broken the venerable statute of 
 club-law, and infringed upon the rights of Squire Bull, 
 to wit, the right of the strongest, by sailing boats on 
 the miU-pond without the squire's leave, has forfeited 
 all claim to common justice, and must therefore 
 pocket his losses, pay costs, and keep out of Bull's 
 way at his peril." 
 
 Hereupon the tenants, who were tickled to the very 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN, 53 
 
 marrow with this permission to plunder Jonathan, 
 threw up their hats, gave three cheers, and turning 
 out one and all, saved his worship's horses the trouble 
 of dragging him home. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Jonathan writes a letter to Squiie Bull, which puts him in a mighty passion, 
 and costs " Master Oanynge " * a great pull of the ear. 
 
 Jonathan, when he heard how his lawsuit had 
 turned out, as is common in such cases, fell foul of the 
 law, and forgetting that it was only the abuse of a 
 good thing that he had to complain of, did belabour 
 with hard words the whole system. Then he called 
 the lawyers a pack of drivelling chatterboxes, who 
 one half of the time did not know what they were 
 saying, and the other half said nothing to the pur- 
 pose. But the cream of his blessing fell upon Justice 
 Scout, who, instead of asking what the law was, only 
 inquired about Squire Bull's opinion of it, and who, 
 he swore, was just fit to be chief-justice of the 
 manor of Beelzebub. 
 
 Having thus burned his fingers with the law, Jona- 
 than thought he would try what reason would do. 
 Having often heard say that there is reason in aU 
 things, he did not know but he might find a little in 
 Squire Bull's pate, so he wrote him the following 
 letter : — 
 
 * George Canning, the celebrated wit and statesman, from 1807 to 
 1809 British Secretary of State for Foreign Affairs. 
 
64 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 " To John Bull, Esquire, of Bulloch, greeting. 
 
 "Honoured Fatheb, 
 
 " Though I am your son, I have always got more 
 kicks than coppers from you ; and now I am grown 
 up to be of age, I don't choose to put up with any 
 more of your plaguy nonsense. I have a right to 
 sail boats on the miU-pond for all your siUy claims, 
 which have got you many a broken head, and will get 
 you many more before you die, if you don't mind 
 your hits, old gentleman. Moreover, I have a right 
 to do business with whom I please, as long as I don't 
 go against 'the old customs of the neighbourhood; 
 and to visit where I think fit, without Mr. Bull's 
 leave, and be hanged to him. So please take notice, 
 that I shall carry on my business as I have always 
 done, and visit Beau Napperty when it suits me. 
 
 " S'life, daddy, do you think that though I was 
 brought up in the woods, I am to be scared by an 
 owl ? Don't think to bully me, daddy ; for, though 
 you tell such famous stories about our ancestors, 
 everybody knows that the Bulls have been going 
 down hill till they have got nearly to the- bottom ; 
 and, between ourselves, people say they all look up to 
 me to support the family honour in future^/ Though 
 they do make such a fuss about their great riches, 
 and aU that, it's aU in my eye Betty Martin ; and I 
 don't believe they are any better than their neigh- 
 bours, for all they hold up their heads so high. 
 Everybody knows, daddy, that you owe a great deal 
 more than you are able to pay, and that you can't 
 meet the interest of your debts without borrowing 
 money, raising your rents, and robbing the neigh- 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 55 
 
 hours' boats. For my part, I am heartily glad you 
 disinherited me, for now I shall not be liable for any 
 of your extravagances. 
 
 " Was it the part of a good neighbour or an 
 honest man, daddy, to steal my boats, and, after that, 
 order your pitiful, weathercock justice of the peace to 
 twist the law so as to make me pay the costs of 
 claiming my own property? I know you want 
 money bad enough, and for that matter I would not 
 mind lending you some to keep you out of jail — but 
 I don't choose to have my pockets picked, not I ; and 
 as for yoTir famous club-law, mayhap two of us can 
 play at it, if you come to that. 
 
 " So look ye, daddy, if you don't let me alone 
 when I am going about my lawful business, and quit 
 taking my boats and tenants, like a highway robber 
 as you are, you may expect an otherguess sort of a 
 pommelling than you got from me when I was only 
 a boy. Beware of my wife too, who has done noth- 
 ing but scold for several years past, and who threatens 
 to clapperclaw you whenever you come in her way. 
 Take a friend's advice, and look sharp, for she has a 
 two-edged tongue, and the nails of a catamount. 
 
 " I expect, if you are an honest man, as you say 
 you are, though I find people in general don't give 
 you credit for being one, that you wiU pay me for the 
 property you have cheated me out of by means of 
 Justice Scout ; and, moreover, promise me faithfully 
 never to serve me so again. Another thing that I 
 had like to forget until just now is, that you are to 
 quit coming on board of my boats and taking out my 
 people under pretence of getting back your tenants, 
 who come over to settle on my farms. It is a sin 
 
66 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 and a shame, daddy, to keep the poor fellows from 
 giving up their leases, when you are every year rais- 
 ing their rents, so that now they can hardly keep 
 themselves from starving. You say your tenants are 
 the best oif of any in the neighbourhood, and if they 
 are such fools as to quit your manor, the sooner you 
 get rid of them the better. For my part, I scorn to 
 act in this manner, but allow my tenants to go where 
 they please. 
 
 " The long and the short of the matter is, that if I 
 am satisfied in your answer, I am ready to drink a 
 glass with you and be friends. K jiot, you and I will 
 be two, I guess, daddy ; and, to show you that I am 
 in right good earnest, I hereby let you know that I 
 shall not wait more than five or six years for your 
 final answer, being in a great passion, and somewhat 
 in haste. 
 
 " Your dutiful son, as you behave, 
 
 " Jonathan." 
 
 This letter Jonathan sent over by his lawyer, who 
 had directions to back it with the longest speech he 
 could possibly make. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 How Squire Bull took upon himself to be hugely insulted at Jonathan's 
 friendly letter, and sent him u, pretty sort of an answer. 
 
 When the sturdy high-handed Bull got this letter, 
 he examined the direction with great attention, not 
 knowing the writing. Then he thrust his hand into 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 57 
 
 his red waistcoat-pocket, from which he pulled a great 
 pair of iron-rimmed spectacles made by a neighbour- 
 ing blacksmith, an excellent workman, which, after 
 wiping off the dust with his bandanna handkerchief, 
 he placed with great deliberation across his nose. 
 Then, drawing his great chair to the light, he care- 
 fully broke the seal, and, scratching his head to assist 
 his comprehension, began to spell out the contents. 
 
 It was worth a hundred pounds of any man's 
 money to see the wry faces he made as he began to 
 enter into the spirit of Jonathan's epistle. Before he 
 got a quarter through, he laid down his pipe with 
 such emphasis that it broke into a thousand pieces. 
 As he proceeded, he struck the table with such force 
 that the pot of beer, which was his most trusty coun- 
 sellor and companion, danced about like a pea on a 
 tobacco-pipe, and finally overset on the floor, while 
 the old fellow's visage gradually puckered up like a 
 cabbage-leaf before the fire. "When he had fairly got 
 through, he very leisurely tore the letter into a mil- 
 lion of little pieces, walked with the most stately and 
 grim solemnity to the window, and very deliberately 
 threw them to the d — ^1, to whom he always consigned 
 any thing that gave him great offence. 
 
 Then taking a turn or two to consider what was 
 proper for his dignity, he called for one " Master 
 Canynge," a sort of jester and buffoon, whom John 
 employed to write his letters and make him laugh 
 when he was melancholy. They used to dub him 
 John's secretary, inasmuch as he generally answered 
 the squire's letters that came from abroad, because he 
 was thought to spell better than any of Bull's ser- 
 vants. As for the squire himself, he did not often 
 
58 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 venture to write his own billets, and when he did 
 they were in such a viUanous cramp hand, so full of 
 incoherences, and so interlarded with bad spelling, 
 that it was more trouble to read them than they were 
 worth. 
 
 BuU told Master Canynge of Jonathan's letter, and 
 directed him to answer it forthwith ; but the jocular 
 secretary told him, with great submission, that in 
 order to answer a letter properly it was necessary to 
 know its contents. The squire, who was famous for 
 sometimes listening to reason, hereupon immediately 
 began to fumble in his pockets ; then he turned them 
 all inside out, ransacked every hole and corner of the 
 room, pish'd and pshaw'd like fury, and at last recol- 
 lected having torn and thrown it out of the window. 
 Canynge relished this joke hugely, swore it was the 
 best thing he had seen in a long time, and began to 
 laugh like a whole swarm of flies at the squire's for- 
 getfulness. His mirth was however arrested by John's 
 laying hold of his ear, and giving it a hearty lug in 
 order to make him serious, telling him at the same 
 time he was an impudent rascal to laugh at his bet- 
 ters. 
 
 " Master Canynge " hereupon sat down, and, being 
 not a little confused with the tingling of his ear, as 
 well as somewhat ruffled at the squire's application, 
 wrote the following singular and impertinent answer 
 to Jonathan's letter. Bull, who hated reading as 
 much as he did writing, signed it, as was his usual 
 custom, without knowing what were its contents. It 
 was immediately despatched, and ran thus : — 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 69 
 
 " To Mr. Jonathan, greeting. 
 
 " You LUBBERLY YaNKBT ! 
 
 " Don't think I'll give up my rights, privileges, and 
 prerogatives, to such a hop-o-my-thumb, mint-sling, 
 rum-jockey as thou art. Why, thou unnatural cub, 
 answer me one thing — did I not beget thee, villain! 
 — and could I not have begotten thee or not, just as 
 I pleased? Body o' me! what an undutiful rascal 
 thou art, to be pestering with impertinent letters the 
 father that begat thee, and who, by refusing to do so, 
 might have made a nobody of you. 
 
 " Thou art, moreover, a great blockhead, as well as 
 an ungrateful dog, son Jonathan, to be in the least 
 angry at my conduct towards thy boats, seeing I don't 
 mean to do you the least injury, aU my plans being 
 to plague that little caitiflf Beau Napperty, to be re- 
 venged on whom I would send you and all your ras- 
 cally generation to the d — ^1. Body o' me! I say 
 again. Squire Sapskull, did not I beget thee ? And 
 am I not one of the most honest fellows in the whole 
 neighbourhood? I say it myself, I have said it a 
 thousand times, and therefore it must be true. 
 
 " I have twelve hundred boats on the mill-pond, and 
 if you doubt my assertions, I wiU demonstrate them 
 with the aforesaid boats in the twinkling of an eye. 
 Plague take the fellow ! — dost not see, thou animal 
 with half an eye, that if I plunder your boats, it is all 
 for your own good, because it enables me to annoy 
 the more effectually that little viUanous Frogmorean, 
 who, if I did not keep him within bounds, would 
 come over and upset your whole household, you 
 booby ? Here am I now, cutting and slashing in all 
 
A 
 
 60 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 directions at the disturber of the neighbourhood, Beau 
 Napperty : and though it must be confessed most of 
 the blows fall upon you, and others upon my own 
 pate, yet in the eye of sober reason I do you no harm, 
 because I intend none, upon my honour; aU I mean 
 is to annoy the common enemy of aU, and prevent his 
 doing you manifest injury. 
 
 " Besides, thou unreasonable, pestilent rogue, am 
 not I an honest fdlow, and is not Beau Napperty 
 a hnave? And is it not reasonable that an honest 
 man should have the same privilege as a knave ? 
 Things are come to a pretty pass in the world, if 
 honesty can't rob and plunder as well as knavery; 
 and therefore I maintain, and prove by my twelve 
 himdred boats, that I have as good a right to rob as 
 Beau Napperty, nay, a better than he, because I am 
 such a fine, honest fellow, and make such good use of 
 what I get. And did I not beget thee, villain ? An- 
 swer me that, I say again. 
 
 " You can't wait for my answer, you say. You 
 ungrateful villain, to talk in this way to the kindest 
 father that ever turned his son out of doors! You 
 can't, hey! — well, here is my answer. I'll plunder 
 your fir-built boats, with a bit of striped bunting 
 stuck on a corn-stalk for a flag — I'll snap my fingers 
 and bite my thumb at you as often as I please — I'U 
 disown, disinherit, and unbeget you, and swear you 
 are the son of a French barber and a Dutch fish- 
 woman. I am a religious man, an affectionate father, 
 and I don't care who knows it. 
 
 " Therefore, look ye, friend Jonathan, my son — I 
 hold that the rjgM-^JJSJag.^SCTQJagJa inherent, in'all-- 
 honest fellows that have twelve hundred boats like 
 
BBOTHEE JONATHAN. 61 
 
 jnjselL- It is moreover necessary, because I can't get 
 the better of Beau Napperty, whom I am pleased to 
 hate beyond all other men, without it ; and it is more- 
 over proper, because it is much better that honest 
 fellows like me should flourish by evil means, than 
 that knavery, which is Beau Napperty, should flourish 
 at all. So don't pester me with any more of your 
 complaints, or teU me any more of your wife's threats. 
 I am an honest feUow, dam'me! I begot thee, and 
 have a right to do what I please with my own chil- 
 dren ; and, what's more, I wiU. 
 
 " Thy abused father, 
 "John Bull." 
 
 When " Master Canynge " had finished this letter, 
 he went and lounged about the squire's parlour, 
 cracked his jokes as usual, wrote lampoons and songs, 
 and quizzed the kitchen wenches till they swore he 
 was the drollest dog in the whole manor. After this 
 he went to the chapel* and tickled Bull's wife tiU she 
 squeaked, entertained John's overseer with some good 
 stories, and, after swallowing a couple of mugs of 
 strong ale, went to bed and dreamed he was made 
 high-baUiff of the manor of Bullock. 
 
 * St. Stephen's chapel in the old 'Westminster Hall building, then used 
 for the sessions of the House of Commons. 
 
62 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 CHAPTER XVn. 
 
 Squire BtJl talks so foolishly, and acts so unseemly to Brother Jonathan, 
 that the poor fellow don't know whether to laugh or cry. 
 
 In due time Jonathan received this curious letter, 
 which proved pretty clearly that Bull thought him 
 a fool or a coward. He put it into his wife's hand, 
 and that talkative lady, who generally took it out in 
 scolding, was in such a quandary, that she hardly 
 knew whether she stood on her heels or her head. 
 She uttered so many queer notions on the subject, one 
 treading in the steps of the other, that Jonathan could 
 not, for the soul of him, tell what she would be at. 
 The truth is, she did not exactly know herself; but, as 
 he asked her opinion, she thought she must say some- 
 thing. So she went on for a whole six months at 
 least, dinning it away like a parcel of beUs playing 
 at random — each a different tune. Sometimes she 
 talked like a farmer; sometimes like a tobacco- 
 planter ; sometimes like a boatman : but most gener- 
 ally like a woman. 
 
 In the meantime BuU and Jonathan wrote letters to 
 each other every day. Bull sometimes would profess 
 a great fatherly kindness for Jonathan, and then, in 
 the very next letter, twit him with being a friend of 
 Beau Napperty ; treating him at the same time as if 
 he were a mere nobody, and insisting on the right 
 which he had under the famous statute of club-law. 
 It was not a little curious to see the fetches the squire 
 made use of to bolster up his new law. In one of 
 his letters, he insisted upon it that there was no good 
 rule to decide who was in the right, except to find out 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 63 
 
 who was the strongest. " Doth not," said John, " the 
 strong animal prey upon the weak ? It is a law of 
 nature, friend Jonathan; and therefore it's nonsense 
 for such a slack-breeched fellow as thou art to talk 
 against it. S'life, what is the use of being strong if 
 one can't play the d — 1, and all that sort of thing, 
 now and then a little ? " 
 
 Then John had another curious argument, which 
 he probably picked up in some last dying speech and 
 confession, and which he called the necessity of the 
 case. This he swore was a good excuse for robbing 
 on the highway or on the high seas. " A feUow," 
 quoth John, " robs on the highway from the necessity 
 of the case : that is, because he wants money to buy 
 horses, fiiie clothes, and aU that sort of thing. True, 
 he is hanged for it if caught; but if he is knowing 
 enough to evade, or strong enough to buUy, the laws, 
 or rich enough to bribe the judges, he is held to be an 
 honest man in the eyes of all men of sound sense, and 
 comes off with flying colours, and aU that sort of 
 thing." BuU was insufferably vain of this rare system 
 of reasoning, and boasted that he had twisted a rope 
 strong enough to hang a dozen such simple fellows as 
 Jonathan. 
 
 Jonathan half cried and half laughed at the squire's 
 nonsense, for he could not help seeing, and feeling too, 
 that though necessity might be a very notable justifi- 
 cation for a pick-pocket, it was not the most satisfac- 
 tory to him who had his pockets picked. But the 
 tenants, who sometimes had these letters read to them, 
 were, many of them at least, imposed upon by Bull's 
 arguments, and actually came to think,, or pretended to 
 think, that the squire was on the right side of the ditch. 
 
64 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 The tenants of Brother Jonathan were, in truth, a 
 rare set of fellows, collected helter-skelter from all 
 parts of the neighbourhood, and presenting such an 
 odd medley of faces, that it might be said they looked 
 like everybody, and everybody looked like them. 
 Their minds were as varied as their faces, and, as 
 they prided themselves upon thinking for themselves 
 and speaking their notions freely, hardly any two 
 thought or spoke alike, for fear they might be suspect- 
 ed of wanting an independent spirit. In fact, the 
 tenants of no two farms ever puUed the same way; 
 and though, at the time of Jonathan's marriage, they 
 had all agreed to stick together and support one 
 another on all occasions, yet from the moment of that 
 union they seem never to have agreed in any one 
 thing whatever. 
 
 Maybe you have seen before now two dogs, who, 
 while they had their own will and could do as they 
 pleased, were the best friends in the world ; but being 
 chained together, from that moment began to snarl 
 and show their teeth, and never drew the same way 
 afterward. Or, to give you a more rational example 
 — perhaps you have seen a young couple in the first 
 rudiments of an everlasting affection, toying, casting 
 sheep's-eyes, and slyly squeezing each other's hand 
 under the table. Peradventure you have come back 
 that way, and seen this same couple wedded, disput- 
 ing their road through the world inch by inch, and 
 administering comfort to each other by mutual re- 
 crimination, sturdy opposition, and grumbling com- 
 pliance. 
 
 If you ever saw any thing of this sort, you have 
 some notion of the notable connexion subsisting 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 65 
 
 among Jonathan's tenants. There was continually 
 something or other turning up somewhere or other 
 that went against the grain of some one or other of 
 these wiseacres, who, sagely concluding that it was 
 the duty of the landlord to take care of him in pre- 
 ference to anybody else, would begin to speak his 
 mind, as he called it : that is, to abuse Jonathan and 
 everybody that took his part. I have known the bark- 
 ing of an exceeding small, insignificant puppy, to set 
 all the dogs of a neighbourhood howling like fury; 
 and so it generally happened in the farms, where the 
 scolding of one tenant caused a great outcry in the 
 end. But, as this subject is a little curious, it may be 
 worth while to trace these matters more distinctly. 
 
 CHAPTER XVm. 
 
 Touching the farms called Southlands, and what roystering blades the 
 tenants were. Also, of those honest, hearty fellows, the boys of tha 
 Middlelands. 
 
 Brother Jonathan, as I said before, had a great 
 estate in lands, which, that he might be able to tell' 
 one farm from another, came to be called by several 
 names, such as the Southlands, the Middlelands, 
 Down East, and Far West. This division, in time, ■ 
 proved a great source of heart-burnings and conten- 
 tions among the tenants occupying these different 
 farms, who, because they had different names, began, 
 like a parcel of blockheads as they are, to fancy them- 
 selves separate peoples with separate interests, and to 
 
66 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 squabble among themselves about nothing or next to 
 nothing. In process of time, these sectional feelings 
 grew into fruitful sources of trouble to Brother Jona- 
 than, who had much ado to keep them from falling to- 
 gether by the ears at town-meetings and elections. 
 Many people thought they hated each other worse 
 than they did Squire Bull's tenants, and I beHeve 
 they were half right. 
 
 The tenants of the farms commonly called South- 
 lands, having plenty of negroes to work for them, and 
 nothing to do but amuse themselves, did, as will often 
 happen with country blades, amuse themselves pretty 
 considerably with horse-racing, cock-fighting, barbe- 
 cues, and the like. They were also wonderful boys 
 for what they called anti-fogmatics, being certain 
 mint-juleps, which, to say the truth, are exceeding 
 toothsome of a foggy morning, and mighty potent in 
 keeping away chills and agues. They are supposed 
 to make a man somewhat belligerent, an opinion to 
 which I incline, seeing I remember I once felt their 
 effects myself at a training, in the which I charged 
 quite through a numerous phalanx of naughty boys, 
 in despite of old shoes and unseemly maledictions. 
 
 But for all this, the Southlanders were a set of 
 frank, jolly, hospitable, high-spirited feUows, with 
 hearts always open and above-board. A man might 
 live among them free of expense till the cows came 
 home, if they did not kiU him with good living and 
 mint-juleps. For my part, I always did and always 
 shall like them, and I don't care who knows it. 
 
 These sturdy roystering blades disliked the tenants 
 Down East, of whom I shall speak anon, because 
 they came among them with little one-horse carts, 
 
BEOTHER JONATHAN. 67 
 
 laden with wooden bowls, tin-ware, and the like, and 
 made divers good bargains out of them in the way of 
 trade. It would do your heart good to hear some 
 of the stories, true or false, told about these travelling 
 pedlers, who wore high steeple-crowned hats, and 
 were about the 'cutest fellows you ever saw. As 
 there is no error more common than to condemn a 
 whole community for the fault of one, the South- 
 landers, judging from a few bad samples, came at last 
 to consider the Down-Easters no better than they 
 should be. Now the first thing a Southlander thinks 
 of, when he catches himself in a passion, is fighting ; 
 so whenever he was taken in in a bargain for a 
 wooden clock, or some such thing, he was pretty sure 
 to pommel the tin-trader, who not unfrequently had 
 scruples of conscience about fighting. When the 
 trader got home, of course he told terrible stories of 
 gouging and the like ; so that in time these came to 
 be thought little better than bullies, and those down- 
 right rogues, though people who were best acquainted 
 with them knew better. 
 
 Those who tenant the flourishing farms of the Mid- 
 dlelands are for the most part steady, sober-minded 
 farmers, expert boatmen belonging to the great land- 
 ings, and comfortable tradesmen weU-to-do in the 
 world. They agree mighty well together, as also with 
 the tenants of the other farms ; or if they chance to 
 quarrel about nothing, the one class balances the other, 
 and the farms don't get into a sweat as they do in 
 other parts of Brother Jonathan's estates. 
 
 It will be found by those who take the trouble to 
 inquire, that in all Brother Jonathan's farms where this 
 mixture does not prevail, the tenants are very igno- 
 
68 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 rant and headstrong in their opinions and prejudices. 
 Having but one exclusive road to prosperity, they 
 conclude there is no other way but this in the world, 
 that what is their interest must be everybody's in- 
 terest, and that whenever that is affected the whole 
 world must be turned upsidedown. But on the con- 
 trary, where, as in the farms I am treating of, the 
 different orders of men are mingled together, the per- 
 petual collision of interests in time wears away their 
 different asperities, and introduces a reasonable regard 
 for each other's welfare. 
 
 And now I am in for it, I will make another sage 
 remark, which will be found equally true with the last. 
 It is this : that those farms which form the extremities 
 of Brother Jonathan's property have always been 
 more easily agitated and set in motion than the 
 others ; and in this they exhibit a striking analogy to 
 the parts of the, human frame. The tickling of the 
 soles of the feet wiU set one kicking at a furious rate ; 
 and the touch of a feather at the nose causes the pro- 
 boscis to be violently agitated, while the rest of the 
 body remains quiescent. So, if you meddle with 
 the farms of Southlands, which form, as it were, the 
 legs, or with the farms Down East, which constitute 
 the snout, or proboscis, of Brother Jonathan's domain, 
 you wUl always find a mighty deal of agitation and 
 grimace in them, while the more noble parts that lie 
 in the vicinity, as it were, of the heart, remain undis- 
 turbed. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 
 
 CHAPTER XrX. 
 
 Of the 'cute toys of Down East, and how they got the name (amumg them- 
 lekes) of being wiser and better than their neighbours. 
 
 The farms belonging to Brother Jonathan, Down 
 East, it is said, were originally taken on long leases, 
 by a set of conscientious fellows who left Bullock 
 Island a great while ago, because Squire BuU, who 
 was a very religious man, and head of the church by 
 /Custom of the manor, made a law " abolishing diver- 
 ^ sities of opinion in religious matters," dreaming, like 
 a great blockhead as he was, that he could make aU 
 people think alike, which in my opinion is about as 
 easy as to make them aU look alike. These good 
 people went through terrible hardships, which they 
 bore like men, till they cleared their lands ; and, having 
 suffered so much for opinion, it is no wonder if they 
 should be a little obstinate sometimes. 
 
 Some of these were of the sect of the witches, and, 
 I am credibly informed, came over the mUl-pond on 
 broomsticks. The tenants, however, soon found out 
 these diabolical sinners, and got rid of them, as we 
 extirpate caterpillars, by smoking them out. Many 
 ignorant people have their fling at the tenants Down 
 East for being so much afraid of witches, and Squire 
 Bull often cracked his jokes on them about it; but 
 they had all better hold their tongues, for, if the truth 
 were known, the whole neighbourhood was pretty 
 much in the same box at that time, and most espe- 
 cially Squire Bull's tenants. Be this as it may, the 
 Down Easters took such good care to get rid of the 
 witches and wizards, that for many years past they 
 
70 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 have been entirely extinct, unless, as some sup- 
 pose, there is a cross of their blood in Major Jack 
 Downing.* 
 
 These Down-Easters are excellent good boatmen, as 
 well as great takers of codfish, alewives, and a certain 
 fish called dumbfish, for some reason I wot not of, see- 
 ing all fish, so far as I know, are dumb. Be this as it 
 may, they are very much addicted to dumbfish, partic- 
 ularly on Saturdays, and such is the salutary effect of 
 this regimen, that the greatest scolds in the capital 
 town of the Down-Easters say nothing but their pray- 
 ers all that day. It is moreover observed, that neither 
 the courts nor the meeting-houses (except that of the 
 Quakers) are open on Saturday, for that both parsons 
 and lawyers are incapable of speechifying. These 
 things are so curious, that I thought them worth re- 
 cording in this diverting and true history. 
 
 Squire Bull, who abuses everybody, has trumped 
 up from time to time divers tough stories about these 
 good people, to whose discredit I know nothing, ex- 
 cept that they stopped me once travelling on a Sun- 
 day when I was going to be married, and a pestilent 
 rogue from somewhere Down East took me in with a 
 wooden clock which would not strike, because, I sup- 
 pose, it had been brought up upon dumbfish. In fact, 
 they are shrewd hands at a bargain, as the following 
 true story wiU exemplify. 
 
 An Oatlander, a tenant of Squire BuU, as sharp as 
 a razor, once rode away Down East on the back of a 
 horse that had wall eyes, a switch tail, shambling 
 
 * Charles Augustus Davis published in Philadelphia, ia 1834, " The Life 
 of Andrew Jackson, President of the United States. Illustrated with numer- 
 ous cuts. By Major Jack Downing of the Dowuingville Militia." 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAff. 71 
 
 gait, and marvellous spindle-shanks. There was hair 
 enough in his fetlocks to stuff a sofa, and you might 
 have counted his ribs at the distance of half a league 
 had they not been well covered with a coat of matted 
 hair that entirely prevented this disgrace. Our ad- 
 venturer went on at a miserable pace till he came in 
 sight of a neat looking tavern, when he clapped spurs 
 to his steed, who, with a most desperate effort, trotted 
 up to the place in a truly gallant manner. 
 
 At the gate of the stable-yard stood a raw-boned, 
 long-sided, rosy-cheeked, light-haired lad, who seemed 
 gaping about as if he had just thrust his nose into 
 the world. He wore a light-blue linsey-woolsey 
 coatee, no waistcoat, and a pair of tow-linen trousers, 
 that, by reason of his having outgrown them, reached 
 just below the calf of his leg ; but what they wanted 
 in length they made up in breadth, being of that indi- 
 vidual sort called by sailors cannon-mouthed. But 
 what most particularly fixed the stranger's attention 
 was a white hat, which, on account of its having 
 been often caught in the rain, had lost its original 
 outline, and marvellously resembled a hay-stack in 
 shape and colour. 
 
 This figure was leaning over a gate, with one hand 
 scratching his head, and supporting his chin with the 
 other, in the true style of listlessness and simplicity. 
 Our adventurer marked him for his prey, and, after 
 some conversation, finding he had a horse, offered to 
 swap with him. The youth, after the fashion of 
 Down East, first asked him what was his name, what 
 countryman he was, where he came from, and where 
 he was going ; together with other questions equally 
 necessary. 
 
72 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Having received satisfaction in these points, they 
 fell to work, and our Oatlander never had a tougher 
 job in his life. At last, however, a bargain was 
 struck, and he went on his way, chuckling at having 
 taken in the clodhopper. All at once, however, his 
 horse insisted on lying down, and his mirth came to 
 the ground with him. While he was standing over 
 his steed, endeavouring, by the vigorous application of 
 kicks and cuffs, to persuade him to rise, who should 
 come jogging along but the lad with the hay-stack 
 hat, who assured him that his horse would infallibly 
 get up when he was tired of lying down ; that he did 
 not care to rest himself in this manner above eight or 
 ten times a day, and was in other respects so good a 
 beast, that if he would give him twenty dollars to 
 boot he would swap back again. Our luckless travel- 
 ler was fain to agree ; so, mounting his former resurrec- 
 tion of dry bones, he made the best of his way out of 
 the neighbourhood, and not one of his countrymen 
 has, ever since, ventured to settle in those parts, or 
 drive a bargain with a Down Easter. 
 
 By reason of the women being exceedingly fruitful, 
 the farms every year are obliged to swarm, after the 
 fashion of beehives ; the young ones leaving the old 
 hive to find room elsewhere, which they do easy 
 enough, having a singular faculty in getting on in the 
 world which smacks a little of witchcraft. It is ob- 
 served, that like locusts, wherever they light, they 
 soon clear all before them, and drive away the old 
 settlers. 
 
 This has especially been the case in those parts of 
 Brother Jonathan's farms that were tenanted by those 
 who came of the stock of some honest Bellygians, 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 73 
 
 who paddled over from the great bog-meadow I 
 spoke of in the first part of this history. These 
 were a parcel of industrious, sober, steady, slow- 
 motioned, deliberative, pursy, thick-legged, four-square 
 boys, with faces much wider at the bottom than the 
 top, like to the angels that are cut on the old- 
 fashioned head-stones. They were great smokers of 
 tobacco, and walked, worked, deliberated, and some- 
 times slept, with a pipe in their mouth. Such was 
 their love of this practice, that it is reported the clerk 
 of a certain parish, not being able to get any tobacco, 
 did incontinently cut up the bell-rope, which he 
 smoked, to the great scandal of the church. 
 
 Mercy preserve us ! what work the Down-Easters 
 made among these slow-motioned fellows. In a little 
 time they would evaporate and disappear, as it were, 
 in their own smoke, nobody knew where; like the 
 Indians, when the white people get among them and 
 civilize them with brandy. ~~ 
 
 Between the tenants of Down East and those of 
 Southlands there did exist a deal of ill-will : this 
 was partly owing to the cause I mentioned before, 
 partly to difference of manners and customs, for the 
 former abhorred horse-races, cock-fights, and mint- 
 slings, preferriHg thereto apple-brandy, tea, cucumbers, 
 pumpkin-pies, thanksgivings, general trainings, and 
 other harmless luxuries. There were also certain in- 
 terests which seemed to clash between these two — 
 I mean certain petty, every-day interests, such as lead 
 little fellows by the nose in opposition to their lasting 
 happiness. 
 
 But the most growing portion of Brother Jona- 
 than's estates was an immense tract of new lands he 
 
74 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Imd purchased since he came of age, away beyond 
 * /the mountains, wliich came to be known by the name 
 » of the Far West. He bought it a great bargain of 
 Beau Napperty, who was no great hand at clearing 
 new lands, or handling any sharp-edged tool except 
 his great toasting-iron. These new farms are among 
 the best lands Jonathan had; and you may depend 
 upon it, the Down Easters, and the tenants of the 
 other farms, who had worn out the soil, were not back- 
 ward in settling them, for Jonathan wisely let them 
 have the land cheap and gave a long credit. All the 
 bold, enterprising fellows, who wanted elbow-room at 
 home, or had more little curly-pated rogues of chil- 
 dren than they knew what to do with, puUed up 
 stakes, and went forth to seek the promised land of 
 the Far West. In process of time they multiplied 
 into ever so many thousands, and the children grew 
 so fast that some thought they would never be done 
 growing. 
 
 Being used from childhood to lay out in the woods 
 under the canopy of heaven, which they called a sky- 
 blanket, to hunt the bears and other wild animals 
 that were at first as plenty as tame ones Down East, 
 they grew up a hardy, independent race, that feared 
 nothing, cared for nobody, and justly thought them- 
 selves equal to any folks in the world. They some- 
 times bearded Brother Jonathan himself, and told him 
 to his face that if he did not mind his P's and Q's 
 they would pay no more rent, and put it into him 
 before he could prime his rifle. 
 
 They were the greatest shots — I don't mean with 
 the long bow, though some of them were pretty good 
 at that, but with the rifle — that ever were seen. 
 
BEOTHER JONATHAN. 75 
 
 They could kill a squirrel on the top of the highest 
 tree that ever grew in all out of doors, without stir- 
 ring a hair of his skin ; and not a man among them 
 but would have thought himself a cowardly varmint, 
 who would not stand at a hundred yards' distance, 
 and let them shoot at a pint-pot on the top of his 
 head, without winking. 
 
 I have heard say, for I never was there, that they 
 are the most hospitable people in the whole neigh- 
 bourhood, insomuch that they sometimes lick a fellow 
 for refusing to come in and take pot-luck. This I 
 know, for I had it from his own mouth, that a man 
 got taken up, and was very nigh being regulated, only 
 for passing five or six houses without stopping and 
 taking something. They mistrusted him for a horse- 
 stealer. 
 
 Altogether, they are about as fine a set of fellows 
 as I would ever wish to see ; and it shall go hard if, 
 when I have finished this stupendous history, I don't 
 pay them a visit, luxuriate in barbecues with my old 
 friend Justice Wildgoose, and hunt bears with Davy 
 Crockett. Like the Southlanders however, they had 
 a mortal prejudice against the Down-Basters, which I 
 am in good hopes will die away in time, when all the 
 old wooden clocks are worn out. For my part, I 
 believe in my heart you can always find something 
 good among all sorts of sinners ; and I have always 
 thought it was a great piece of nonsense for people 
 living in the same tub to be continually trying to kick 
 out the bottom. 
 
 The upshot of all this was, that let Jonathan do 
 what he would, he was sure to get into a scrape, and 
 was all his life between hawk and buzzard, as they 
 
76 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 say. If he pleased one he was sure to displease the 
 other, and never poor fellow's ear burned so often; 
 for I verily believe there was not a minute in the 
 twenty-four hours that he was not abused by some- 
 body or other. 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 How Squire Bull, seeing Jonathan's farms at sixes and sevens, takes advan- 
 tage tbiereof. 
 
 Now John Bull, though no conjurer, was yet not 
 quite an April-fool; and perceiving, on these occa- 
 sions, the divisions among Jonathan's tenants, made 
 his advantage of them. He took all occasions to in- 
 sult him ; chased his boats whenever he saw them on 
 the null-pond, and laid hold of his rowers, making 
 them turn out and come aboard of his own boats, to 
 assist in rowing and handing the sails, whether they 
 would or not. 
 
 The boatmen, who principally suffered by these 
 pranks of Squire Bull, began to grumble at being 
 thus molested in their affairs ; and, as they lounged 
 about on the sand-beach scratching their heads for 
 want of something else to do, talked among them- 
 selves how Jonathan was but a sneaking, milksop sort 
 of a feUow, to suffer his boatmen, who were the best 
 tenants he had, and paid more rents than all the rest 
 of them together, to be treated in such an unhand- 
 some manner. These fellows were always talking 
 about their great rents, though everybody knew that 
 whatever they paid Jonathan they took good care to 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 77 
 
 get out of the pockets of the other tenants; and in 
 truth paid no more rent than their neighbours. 
 
 This getting to Jonathan's ears, he wrote over once 
 again to Bull to know what he meant by such un- 
 neighbourly conduct ; and Bull, in answer, sent him 
 word that he did not in the least mean to hurt his 
 good friend and loving son Jonathan, but was merely 
 doing these things to spite his arch-enemy Beau Nap- 
 perty. Jonathan told him, in reply, that he did not 
 see the sense of thrashing Beau Napperty over his 
 shoulders ; and what was more, he would not submit 
 to it from any man, not even his own father. Bull 
 having a notion that Jonathan, notwithstanding the 
 sound beating he had formerly given his daddy, wanted 
 spunk to oppose him manfully on this occasion, would 
 not budge an inch, but told Jonathan that as soon as 
 Beau Napperty behaved himself like a gentleman, he 
 would do so too, but not before. Jonathan replied, 
 he did not care three farthings about Beau Napperty, 
 who could do him no harm ; and as for its being in 
 Bull's power to make said Beau behave like a gentle- 
 man, that was a job which the d — ^1 might undertake, 
 for all him. Upon this BuU snapped his fingers, and 
 told Jonathan that he was a most unreasonable fellow, 
 and withal a great ninny, not to see that his worthy 
 father was affording him his protection against Beau 
 Napperty, who, if it was not for that, would in the 
 twinkling of an eye come and beat down Jonathan's 
 fences, burn aU his boats, and overrun all his farms 
 with Frogmoreans. In short. Brother Jonathan ought 
 to have sense enough to see that he was acting the 
 part of a loving parent, who chastises his children, not 
 out of anger, but pure affection. 
 
78 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 " Plague take such fatherly kindness," quoth Jona- 
 than ; " this old dad of mine, I foresee, will never be 
 content till he gets the whole neighbourhood about 
 his ears. Here now is he without a sincere friend or 
 relation in the world that can help him along except 
 myself; and yet do I foresee that he wiU oblige me to 
 turn against him with the rest. Well, if I must, I 
 must." And shrugging up his shoulders, he went in 
 search of his precious rib, to whom he communicated 
 Bull's conduct. Madam, as usual, began to call the 
 squire names ; after which she abused poor Jonathan ; 
 and finally, making a sudden turn, fell upon Beau 
 Napperty, and scored him at such a rate, that if the 
 poor Beau had heard her he would have been mad 
 enough, I warrant you. 
 
 When she had talked herself into an unutterable 
 rage, and for that reason held her tongue, Jonathan 
 undertook to sound her about taking measures to 
 bring old Squire Bull to reason. He told her that 
 he had tried all peaceable means to right himself, and 
 had even gone to law, but all in vain ; and that things 
 had now come to that pass, that he must either give 
 up his right to sail boats on the mill-pond, or let his 
 rowers defend themselves when they were molested 
 by Bull, whom, with her permission, he intended to 
 have a bout with very soon, provided he did not mend 
 his manners. 
 
 He mentioned that he thought, with great submis- 
 sion, as both he and Squire Bull were rich fellows, 
 and had been at grammar-school, it would not be be- 
 coming in them to fight rough-and-tumble like the 
 tenants, but with sword and pistol like gentlemen. 
 He therefore thought that, in case he challenged Bull, 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 79 
 
 as he supposed he should be obliged to do, he ought 
 to be decently dressed on the occasion. Now his 
 regimentals, which he wore when he was in the miUtia, 
 were all moth-eaten for want of use ; and he wanted 
 a new sword and pistol, as well as a cocked-hat liie 
 Beau Napperty's ; for, as he was going to turn out 
 with so respectable a man as Squire BuU, he thought 
 he ought to look like a gentleman, and do credit to 
 his breeding. 
 
 For this purpose, as he was somewhat scant of ] 
 money, he thought, if madam pleased, he would , 
 make bold to raise the rents of the tenants a little ; / 
 for poor Jonathan, by his marriage-articles, was de- ,' 
 pendent on his wife for spending-money, and in fact x 
 could do nothing without her consent. So completely 
 was he tied up, that, if any one tweaked his nose 
 or boxed his ears, he was obliged, before he could re- 
 sent the insult, to go home and ask the consent ofy 
 his wife. 
 
 Women are noted for moderation in every thing, 
 more especially in using that power which, by the 
 articles of petticoat government, is ceded to them. 
 Thus it fared with Jonathan, who, though a fellow of 
 the greatest landed estate in that part of the world, 
 was forced to pinch himself continually in his little 
 expenses, and always was worse dressed on Sundays 
 and holidays than any of his neighbours, by reason 
 of his wife's being so stingy. Though, if the truth 
 must be told, she was an extravagant hussy herself, / 
 and spent more in one week than Jonathan did inj 
 a whole year. They had many squabbles about this, 
 but madam had the law on her side, and was always 
 backed by the tenants, because she had managed to 
 
80 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 make them believe she was the Jbest friend they had 
 in the world. 
 
 When Jonathan talked about raising the rents of 
 his tenants a little, that he might be in a condition to 
 fight John Bull, my lady, after a mighty deal of chat- 
 tering and talking aU round the compass as usual, 
 refused her consent, under pretence that the poor 
 tenants were already pressed down with such high 
 rents that they could hardly keep soul and body to- 
 gether in their skins. Then she pretended to be so 
 affected that she took out her handkerchief, and wiped 
 her eyes tiU they looked as red as if she had been 
 crying. All this she did to impose upon the tenants, 
 for she was afraid they would exercise their privilege 
 of divorcing her from Jonathan and choosing him 
 another wife, if she consented to raise their rents. 
 
 She however told Jonathan, that if he could borrow 
 the money from the tenants, she would join in secu- 
 rity with him, and take care that the interest should 
 be paid. Jonathan liked this method of getting the 
 money well enough ; for he knew that it came nearly 
 to the same thing as raising the rents, and that either 
 way it must come out of the tenants' pockets at last. 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 How Jonathan's rich tenants showed him the whites of their eyes when he 
 sent to borrow money, because he did not offer interest enough. 
 
 When Jonathan sent round to his rich tenants to 
 see if he could borrow a few thousands, ofTering to 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 81 
 
 pledge his farms for the payment, it was curious to 
 hear the excuses they made. One had just before 
 used all his ready money in the purchase of stock for 
 his farm, and another had just lent it out on mort- 
 gage. A third had the day before parted with all the 
 cash he could scrape together, to help a friend in 
 great distress : but the truth was, he had put it in the 
 hands of a shaver, as they call such chaps, down at 
 one of the great landings, who had placed it out at 
 two per cent, a month. All, however, lamented that 
 Jonathan had not sent a little sooner, as they would 
 rather trust him than any other man in the world. 
 
 But the most curious thing of all was the ungrate- 
 ful conduct of the boatmen, for whose sake in a great 
 measure Jonathan was about to quarrel with his old 
 father. They, forsooth, had for a long while back dis- 
 liked Jonathan's manners ; they saw he was no friend 
 of theirs, but always was doing them an iU turn 
 whenever it lay in his power ; they knew well enough 
 this quarrel was aU Beau Napperty's doing, and as 
 for John Bull, though he did to be sure meddle with, 
 their boats, and tweak their noses as often as he- 
 caught them squinting towards Frogmore, yet for all. 
 that he was an honest fellow; and therefore they 
 could not think of lending money to enable Jonathan, 
 to trouble him now in his old age. People, however, 
 saw through these pretences, and were well enough 
 convinced, that although a great many of them did 
 really hate Jonathan and love John, yet that this was 
 not the real cause of their refusing to lend their 
 money. The truth was, Jonathan offered too low an 
 interest : if he had given them two or three per cent. , 
 more, he might have got all they had in the world. » 
 
 6 
 
82 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 After all these excuses, Jonathan somehow or other 
 got money enough to put himself in some sort of 
 decent trim, and being now thoroughly angry at Bull, 
 who continued to wrong and insult him wherever he 
 went, he determined immediately to send him a chal- 
 lenge, provided his wife would consent. 
 
 In order to bring the good lady round, knowing aU 
 women are naturally fond of a soldier, he forthwith 
 brushed up an old suit of regimentals which had lain 
 at the bottom of a trunk for several years, and pur- 
 chased an amazing long, rusty sword, with a hilt as 
 large as a bushel-basket; item, a worm-eaten car- 
 tridge-box, which had been carried in time immemo- 
 rial by a Hessian corporal, and used for the stowage 
 of his pipe, his tobacco-pouch, and his Sunday whis- 
 kers. Finally, he bought one of those cocked-hats 
 usually called seventy-sixers, from having been in 
 fashion about the time of the Declaration of Inde- 
 pendence. It was shaped somewhat like the iron 
 part of a pickaxe, and from some appearances which 
 it exhibited in the inside, where the lining was a little 
 torn, you could teU, with a tolerable degree of cer- 
 tainty, that in its primitive institution it had been 
 black. 
 
 Then did he clap on with a little paste a huge pair 
 of black whiskers that nearly covered his whole muzzle, 
 and, drawing on his military boots that sat as tight as 
 his skin because he had outgrown them as he did 
 every thing else, strutted towards the apartment 
 where his lady usually spent her mornings. Almost 
 the first step he made, he tumbled on his nose, by 
 reason of his great sword getting betwixt his legs, 
 as is usual with raw recruits. Upon this, he thought 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 83 
 
 it best to lay aside his sword for the present ; so he 
 hung it up carefully, and proceeded without it toward 
 his wife's scolding-room, as it was called, from its 
 being the place she usually retired to in order to vent 
 her eloquence. 
 
 When she saw Jonathan thus equipped, she began 
 to laugh as if she had the hysterics, and wondered 
 what had got into the man. Jonathan was a little 
 nettled at this, for he expected to be hugely admired 
 for his warKke appearance. He forthwith, without 
 any roundabout, asked her once for all whether she 
 would consent to his sending Bull a challenge ? 
 
 Madam answered as foUows : 
 
 " You challenge Squire Bull, you miserable milk- 
 and-water, lath-and-plaster manikin ! You, that have 
 never handled a pistol in your whole life, and whose 
 sword is so rusty that you can't draw it out of the 
 scabbard for the soul of you! Only look at the 
 fellow," continued she, turning him round and round, 
 in a jeering way — " only look at him ! Look at that 
 gallant cocked-hat, with a little feather in it that looks 
 for all the world like a paint-brush — and those whis- 
 kers ! Heaven preserve us ! why thou lookest like a 
 very fiend in the flesh." 
 
 Then, changing her tone, she began to rate him 
 after this fashion : — 
 
 " Tell me, thou heart of cork, soul of a half-starved 
 tailor, and brain of potcheese, what will you do when 
 Bull sends his boats over to plunder your farms, burn 
 your barns and houses, and drive your boats high and 
 dry ashore ? I warrant you'll cut a great dash with 
 that clumsy figure of yours, that huge mass of meat 
 without any bone or sinew. Get about thy business, 
 
84 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 I say, Jonathan — put on your every-day suit of home- 
 spun, and don't let me hear any thing more about 
 your challenging Squire Bull." 
 
 Any man but Jonathan would have gone near to 
 turn her out of the house for this ; but Jonathan had 
 a better way of managing matters, and knew, by long 
 experience, how to deal with his precious rib. He 
 knew there were certain arguments which, when prop- 
 erly urged, no wife can resist. So he went and 
 cautiously locked the doors* and closed the shutters in 
 the most careful manner. What method he pursued 
 afterward I, being a bachelor and ignorant of these 
 matters, cannot tell. All I know is, that the effect 
 was truly wonderful. The tender pair came forth 
 perfectly reconciled ; the lady, hanging on Jonathan's 
 arm in the most loving manner, and chucking him 
 under the chin, declared he was a right valiant 
 swordsman, and might fight with Bull when he 
 pleased. 
 
 CHAPTER XXn. 
 
 How Jonathan sent John Bull a great challenge; and how some of Jona- 
 than's overseers put up their sneakers, and wouldn't toe the mark. 
 
 Jonathan, having at last persuaded his wife to let 
 him have a bout with John Bull, gathered himself 
 together, and wrote the squire a mortal defiance ; in 
 which, though he did not call him a rascal outright, 
 
 * The declaration of war by Congress was passed with closed doors. 
 1835. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 85 
 
 he pretty plainly let him see he thought him one. 
 He told how Bull had for a long time been trespass- 
 ing on his property ; how he had often thrown stones 
 at his boats, and kidnapped his boatmen ; how he had 
 taken away his boats over to Bullock manor, where 
 he sold them as his own property, and put the money 
 in his pockets, which was being no better than a 
 pirate; how he, Jonathan, had tried first to reason 
 with him, and finding that would not do, had gone to 
 law for damages — but he might as well have gone 
 to the d — ^1 for justice, seeing that scurvy fellow, Jus- 
 tice Scout, would do any thing John told him, and 
 say black was white any time. He broke off" by say- 
 ing, that since all Christian means had failed him, and 
 things had now come to such a pass that he must 
 either give up his right to the use of the mUl-pond or 
 defend it with might and main, he gave Bull fair notice 
 that he and his tenants meant, thenceforward, to try 
 what the great statute of club-law would do for them. 
 Let Squire Bull then come out like a man, and fight 
 him in fair battle if he dared. Then giving notice to 
 his tenants, and especially his boatmen and rowers, 
 to keep a sharp look-out, and not let John's tenants 
 insult them any more without having a bout with 
 them, he forthwith equipped him for his encounter 
 with Bull, who he expected would be at him in a 
 hurry. 
 
 I ought to have told you, but it slipped my mem- 
 ory, that BuU and Brother Jonathan being both inde- 
 pendent freeholders, and among the quality of the 
 neighbotirhood, did hold themselves pretty high fellows 
 abroad, though at home they were both most viUan- 
 ously hen-pecked. They therefore took great state 
 
86 JOHN BtJLL AND 
 
 upon themselves; and whenever they went out to 
 fight, used to have their overseers and a great many 
 of their tenants to keep them in countenance and see 
 fair play; or, in plain English, though they had no 
 quarrel, to break each other's heads in imitation of 
 their betters. 
 
 Jonathan, expecting that Bull as soon as he got his 
 letter would be down upon him like a house afire, 
 forthwith put on his red breeches, buckled on his 
 great rusty sword which was more like a scythe than 
 any thing else, stuck a pair of mighty horse-pistols 
 into his waistband, and took the field with a bloody 
 intention of either sending the squire to kingdom- 
 come, or of drubbing him into a glimpse of his 
 senses at least. Those who remember Jonathan in 
 his fighting trim, say that such another queer boy 
 was not to be seen every day. He swaggered along 
 with his toes in instead of out — was forced to chalk 
 his feet to tell right from left — put his pickaxe hat on 
 hind-part before, and tumbled plump on his nose ten 
 times a day, by reason of his great toasting-iron get- 
 ting between his legs in spite of his teeth. Yet, for 
 aU this, when he drew his sword, which he did with a 
 good deal of tugging because it was so rusty, and 
 began to flourish it over his head, there was some- 
 thing in his manner and a fire in his eye, that made 
 everybody that saw him say he would be a tough 
 morsel for old Squire BuU. 
 
 Jonathan, that he might appear in the field as be- 
 came one of his estate, sent round to his overseers in 
 the different farms, to put on their training-suits and 
 come to him. A great many of these sordid fellows, 
 who had before pretended a great friendship for him, 
 
BEOTHEB JONATHAN, 87 
 
 instead of setting forth at once, went to work very 
 busily rummaging old parchments, to see whether by 
 the tenure of their farms they were obliged to attend 
 on Jonathan. Others were so frightened at the very 
 thought of looking the sturdy John Bull, who was a 
 sort of scarecrow, in the face, that they shook like 
 quicksilver, and began to say their prayers as loud as 
 they could halloo. Others had the impudence to send 
 him word, that though in truth they must say he had 
 reason enough to fight Bull, yet being such a young 
 lad, as it were, they thought he was a great fool ; and 
 as when one man is not a fulli match for another, the 
 weaker he is the better for his bones, they would 
 leave him to himself, in hopes he would come to his 
 senses the sooner. They also told him they were the 
 best friends he had in the world,, and would prove it 
 whenever he did just as they pleased and did not 
 want their assistance.* Others,, who were fellows 
 after my own heart, turned out at once with a full 
 intention to stand or fall with honest Jonathan, right 
 or wrong. They were not such shiUy-shally rogues 
 as to stop to inquire who had the best of the dispute, 
 but, like honest blades, decided at once to fight first, 
 and inquire into the right and the wrong of the matter 
 when they were at leisure. 
 
 * The course taken by the governors of the New England States, and 
 the complexion of their public documents, during the war of 1812, were 
 standing subjects of attack and ridicule on the part of the patriotic wits 
 of the day. 
 
88 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 CHAPTER XXm. 
 
 Of the behaviour of the tenants when they heard what Jonathan had done ; 
 and how the boatmen grumbled at him for doing what they had wanted 
 him to do a long time before, as they put forth. 
 
 "When the tenants got news of Jonathan's having 
 defied Squire Bull, though they had for a long time 
 been calling him a sneak for putting up with John's 
 insults, yet did they now fall into notable disputes, 
 and many of them sing to another tune. They 
 stopped from their labour to argue in the fields, and 
 left their farms at sixes and sevens to go to the taverns 
 and beer-houses, and get at the why and wherefore of 
 the matter. It was a rare sight to see these fellows 
 with a sling or a glass of grog before them, one look- 
 ing wiser than the other, and giving it as his opinion 
 that Jonathan ought to have quarrelled with Beau 
 Napperty as well as Squire Bull, because that would 
 have shown, as clear as preaching, that he had no im- 
 proper liking to the Beau. Another would make bold 
 to say, he ought to have had a tiff with Beau Nap- 
 perty, and let Squire Bull alone ; because as how the 
 squire was, as a body might say, as innocent as sweet 
 mUk. A third was morally certain that Jonathan 
 ought to have stood with his hands in his pockets 
 like a wise man, and not minded what such low 
 fellows said or did to him. 
 
 There was no end to the talk about this affair, and 
 everywhere at the taverns, blacksmiths' shops, and on 
 Sundays at the church-doors, you might see fellows 
 who would point out two ways, directly opposite to 
 each other, either of which Jonathan might have trav- 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 89 
 
 elled with perfect safety. Nay, such was the singular 
 improvement which suddenly came upon people's 
 minds, that miserable varlets might be seen, who, 
 though they did not know that potatoes ought to be 
 planted in the waxing of the moon, nor when it was 
 harvest-time except by the almanac, did all at once 
 grow so knowing, that they got to know Jonathan's 
 affairs better than he did himself. 
 
 But the boatmen beat aU the other tenants holloWv^ 
 in their talk about Jonathan. As they sat sunning 
 themselves along the shores of the mill-pond, and 
 beheld their boats lying useless on the beach, with 
 their seams wide open so that you could put your 
 fingers in them, they used to get so angry that they 
 hardly knew what to do with themselves, or whom to 
 lay the blame upon. At length, with one voice, they 
 cried out that it was aU Jonathan's fault ; and some 
 of the most enlightened boatmen, who could take 
 lunar observations, and tell which way the wind blew 
 by only looking at the compass, proved it after this 
 manner : — 
 
 In the first place, Jonathan had no business to get 
 so great with Beau Napperty ; for that he was very 
 great with him was so plain, that nobody ever thought 
 of giving a single good reason for believing it. A 
 man, to be sure, has a right to choose his friends; 
 that is, all men except your landlords, who have no 
 business to like anybody that Squire Bull dislikes. 
 Then Jonathan was to blame — because, in the first 
 place, he did not resent Bull's insults, and take better 
 care of their boats; and he was still more to blame 
 for refusing to be on good terms with Bull, who was 
 one of the best boatmen in the world. Lastly, it was 
 
90 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 all Jonathan's fault — because, in the first place, he 
 did not challenge Bull long before ; and, in the second 
 place, he challenged him at last. 
 
 This strange talk they got from some knowing 
 school-masters, who had learned their logic out of 
 Dilworth's spelling-book; or, mayhap, out of Noah 
 Webster's, which we all have heard of. These fellows 
 neglected their schools, left the doors wide open, and 
 went about among the tenants, trying to convince 
 them that all their troubles and difficulties arose from 
 Jonathan's great liking for Beau Napperty, and his 
 unnatural dislike to being tweaked by the nose, even 
 by his own father. The tenants of these parts, as I 
 said before, are a 'cute set, who know how to read 
 and write, raise onions, and swap horses. They there- 
 fore believed all this to be gospel, especially when 
 the parson of the parish of Oniono set to work and 
 preached a long sermon, in which, instead of telling 
 them of the excellence of the Christian religion, the 
 beauty of holiness, and the necessity of doing good, 
 he blazed forth, and told them that Jonathan and all 
 his friends were such a herd of wicked rogues, that so 
 far from having any chance of getting to heaven, they 
 were not fit to live upon earth ; advising them, at the 
 same time, to keep the ten commandments, and hate 
 neighbour Jonathan like good Christians.* This ser- 
 mon had great effect on the tenants; though there 
 were not a few people that liked Jonathan as little as 
 the parson did, who thought that a man whose oath 
 of consecration obliged him to be the advocate of 
 
 * The general allusion is to the acrid political sermons of the preachers 
 of New England — the particular one perhaps a play upon the name of the 
 Eev. Elijah Parish, D.D., of Byfield in Massachusetts, who was extremely 
 bitter in his discourses. 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 91 
 
 charity and brotherly love, did little credit to his sa- 
 cred function when he made use of that influence 
 which his station gave him, for the purpose of sowing 
 ill-will and dissensions among his flock. 
 
 But the tenants who, as was generally the case, 
 made the most rout when they heard of Brother Jona- 
 than's having challenged John Bull, were those of a 
 little island * the name of which I don't choose to re- 
 member; a trifling barren place, that Jonathan had 
 bought of an old Indian for fifty fathom of white 
 beads. One would have thought, to hear them talk, 
 that they were to fight Jonathan's battle, and pay the 
 piper, all alone by themselves. They threatened to 
 take the farm away from Jonathan, though in fact it 
 was such a mean spot of ground, and paid so little 
 rent, that he would hardly have missed it. 
 
 I have for the most part found, that the more di- 
 minutive the man, the more fractious and irritable he 
 will be. A dwarf of four feet high will fly into a fury 
 at what a well-grown person, conscious of the dignity 
 and strength of manhood, would pass by without no- 
 tice. Moreover, to reduce the comparison to some 
 sort of level with the subject, you wiU always find that 
 a little shaggy lap-dog, a pug, or a half-blind puppy, 
 will grin and yelp, and tear about this way and that, 
 in a great passion, if you point your finger at him; 
 whereas an honest mastiff will be pleased at this 
 mark of your attention. This irritability in small 
 animals arises, I think, from their being weak, and 
 knowing that they are so; they make a great show 
 and noise to disguise their fears and their weakness, 
 
 * Rhode Island was factious during the war, and one of the three states 
 that sent delegates to the Hartford Convention, in Decemher, 1814. 
 
92 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 and it is doubtless owing to this cause that the little 
 farm of the nameless island was so fractious and 
 noisy. 
 
 The people in the great farms of the Middlelands 
 
 mostly agreed to stand by Jonathan. Some of them, 
 
 indeed, shrugged up their shoulders and looked wise ; 
 
 ; but they thought it would be a mean trick to leave 
 
 their landlord in the lurch. I must do the tenants of 
 
 I Middlelands the justice to say, that they were among 
 
 1 the best tenants Jonathan had, being a set of honest, 
 
 i sober, hard-working fellows, who were weU-to-do in 
 
 < the world, and did not fly into a passion, as your poor 
 
 ' knaves do, when Jonathan happened to pass them 
 
 without pulling off his hat and asking after the health 
 
 of their brats, and how times went with them. 
 
 A good many of these tenants of Middlelands 
 thought Jonathan had been a little too hasty; but 
 what of that? Under his mUd protection they had 
 been a hundred times better off than Bull's or Beau 
 Napperty's people, and they held it a slippery trick to 
 desert him, now he was going to loggerheads with 
 such a mortal stout fellow as John Bull. 
 
 CHAPTEE XXIV. 
 
 How John Bull was a little stumped when he saw Jonathan's challenge, and 
 how the old fellow got the blue devils outright when his boats were beat 
 by Jonathan's. 
 
 When Squire Bull got Brother Jonathan's chal- 
 lenge, he was more astonished than he had been in a 
 great while. He was so used to put upon Jonathan, 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 93 
 
 that he had come at last to think he might insult him 
 whenever he pleased. His hangers-on, too, had all 
 along told him he might do just as he liked, for Jona- 
 than was so horribly afraid of him he would never 
 bring himself to resent it, because he was the greatest 
 skulker in all the neighbourhood. John sent word to 
 his wife, who had gone to the chapel* not to pray 
 but to talk, letting her know what had turned up. 
 Mrs. Bull, who had a mighty dislike to poor Jonathan, 
 was exceedingly tickled at the news, and forthwith 
 drew hard upon the tenants for money to furnish sails 
 and oars for John's boats. The tenants, who because 
 they had chosen this wife of Bull's to take care of 
 their interests at the manor house took it for granted 
 she did so, launched out their money, though with 
 many wry faces, for Bull had half a dozen quarrels on 
 his hands already, and they thought a reasonable man 
 might be satisfied with them. 
 
 The squire having by far the most boats, resolved, 
 in the first place, before he went over to meet Jona- 
 than, whom he swore he would make daylight shine 
 through, to scour the mill-pond, and get a sweep at 
 Jonathan's boats. Jonathan, who was a pretty keen 
 lad, suspected this would be the way, and sent out 
 some of his best boats with orders that the hardest 
 should fend off, as the rowers say. The first thing 
 BuU heard was, that several of his boats, on trying to 
 seize Jonathan's, had got most bitterly bethumped. 
 This he swore was aU a lie ; but some of his rowers, 
 coming home with black eyes and broken heads, put 
 the story out of doubt, whereupon John fell into a fit 
 of the blue-devUs, to which he was very subject. At 
 
 * St. Stephen's Chapel, where the English parliaments sit. 1835. 
 
94 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 first he moped and moped about the house, with his 
 hands in his breeches-pockets, and would stop for a 
 whole hour and look at the fire, as if he didn't know 
 where he was ; so that it was feared he would tuck 
 himself up some rainy day, that being a sort of 
 family complaint. Well, this lasted some days, and 
 then he grew as sour as vinegar, growled like a bear, 
 and threatened to kick aU his overseers into the mill- 
 pond. He swore he would look into this matter him- 
 self, to see what was the reason of it all. 
 
 " If I can only find out the reason, and all that sort 
 of thing," quoth John, " I shall be easy. But I must 
 be pacified with a good reason, or dam'me I'll know 
 the reason why." The overseers and hangers-on be- 
 gan to shake in their shoes at this, and saw that they 
 would be turned out of doors neck and heels if they 
 did not lay the maggot in the squire's head with a 
 good reason. So they sent an old carpenter to tell 
 John, that Jonathan's boats were at least six inches 
 longer, and three inches broader than his, therefore 
 they might well get the better of them. 
 
 Finding this made a great impression on John, 
 they followed it up, and swore that Jonathan's boats 
 were not only larger, but had more rowers, and, what 
 was worse, most of these rowers were his own ten- 
 ants, who, though the most faithful fellows in the 
 world, and very much attached to him, were always 
 running away when they could get a chance. It was 
 no wonder, then, that he should be beat with his own 
 cudgel. This exposition put the squire to a nonplus, 
 and bothered his brain more than any thing he had 
 ever heard. He took his ivory-headed cane, to which 
 he always applied in cases of great puzzle, and, put- 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 95 
 
 ting it to his nose, pondered in this way. " If my 
 boats are handled in this manner by my own rowers, 
 and all that sort of thing, how comes it to pass they 
 fight so much better for Jonathan than for me ? " 
 This was getting between two stone waUs, out of 
 which John could not budge for the soul of him. So 
 the squire placed himself in his arm-chair, called for a 
 pot of strong beer, and pursued his subject till he fell 
 fast asleep. When he woke up, they palavered him 
 with a story of a great rising of Beau Napperty's ten- 
 ants, stuck up a parcel of candles in his windows, gave 
 the boys crackers to set off to please him, and thus 
 tickled the old fellow into the best humour in the 
 world. The rogues then laughed in their sleeves as 
 usual, and one of them told the others in a whisper, 
 " Only throw Johnny a tub, and, like a whale, he'll 
 play with it tiU the boat is out of sight." 
 
 CHAPTER XXy. 
 
 How Sqnire Bull, finding Jonathan rather a hard character to deal with, 
 offered to make up with him, and let matters remain just as they were. 
 
 I HAVE generally observed that people get nothing 
 by fighting, but black eyes, bloody noses, and the 
 reputation of having more pluck than bredns. So it 
 happened with Squire Bull, who, after putting him- 
 self to great expense to have a bout with Jonathan, 
 and keep up the reputation of being the best boat- 
 man on the great mill-pond, got nothing for his pains, 
 and ended about where he began, only that his 
 
96 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 pockets were more empty, and he carried a few addi- 
 ^tional scars on his pate. Jonathan, on the contrary, 
 if he gained nothing else, got the respect of the neigh- 
 bours, who used to call him a sniveUing poltroon; 
 and even Squire Bull, who, being a brave old codger 
 himself, could not help admiring courage in others, 
 although he contrived to prate against him in other 
 matters, could not help now and then grumbling out, 
 " Plague take the rebellious dog ; he has got some of 
 my stuff in him, and I have a great mind to own him 
 for my son again." Many people said the old squire 
 would have made friends with him in good earnest, if 
 Jonathan, (who, like his father, was somewhat given 
 to bragging), had not every now and then thrown it 
 into his teeth that he had given him some good sound 
 drubbings. This made John as mad as a hornet, for 
 he was as proud as Lucifer, and always called him- 
 self lord of the mill-pond. 
 
 Nevertheless, the squire would sometimes take it 
 into his head to say a good word or two about Jona- 
 than, especially when it was his cue to tickle him a 
 little; and Master Canynge, who had quizzed him 
 about his fir-built boats and striped-bunting flags, on 
 one occasion actually drank a toast, in which he 
 caUed Mrs. BuU and Mrs. Jonathan the " Mother and 
 daughter." Brother Jonathan was mightily taken 
 with this, and thought, now that Bull was in such a 
 good humour he would get him to sign a paper giv- 
 ing up the claim to the null-pond, and to the right of 
 taking away his boatmen. When Bull received this 
 application, he tipped Master Canynge the wink, as 
 much as to say — " "What a greenhorn is my son Jona- 
 than, not to know the difference between a civil speech 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 97 
 
 and a civil action ! " He ordered Master Canynge 
 to write a long letter to Jonathan, saying that though 
 he had the highest respect for him he would see him 
 hanged before he would give him any proof of it. 
 Jonathan replied in a letter twice as long; and so 
 they continued writing mighty civil notes, all begin- 
 ning with denying each other's claims, and ending, 
 like a challenge, with " your most obedient servant." 
 It was enough to make you die of laughing to see 
 how they tried to get to windward of each other. 
 But it was diamond cut diamond ; the squire was as 
 sharp as one of his own razors, and as for Jonathan, 
 he never made a bad bargain in his life, not even 
 when he married. 
 
 Thus they continued to keep up the show, without 
 much of the substance, of friendship ; for the truth is, 
 that Jonathan was so lik e his daddyThat the~Tiid~ 
 squire~coulcl never forgive him._ 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 How Squire Bull, with all his pretensions to good fellowship, has a fling at 
 Brother Jonathan now and then. 
 
 / Having no partialities for, or prejudices against, 
 [ either Bull or Brother Jonathan, I have, through the 
 1 whole course of this history, endeavoured to do jus- 
 I tice to both father and son, without excusing the 
 J faults or puffing up the merits of either. But I must 
 I say that Jonathan had all along too good cause of 
 / complaint against the old man, and that after their 
 
»» JOHN BULL AND 
 
 \ last set-to, the squire did not altogether behave him- 
 "^ self like a good neighbour. The truth is, he was, like 
 most gouty old fellows who have held up their heads 
 a long while and taken great airs on themselves, not a 
 little jealous when he saw Jonathan treading close on 
 his heels, and outdoing him in many things he most 
 valued himself upon. In particular, Jonathan's skill 
 in building and sailing boats was a great eyesore to 
 Bull, for that was his weak side, and if you only 
 pointed your finger at it the old man felt it right in 
 the short ribs. 
 
 The squire was somewhat tired and disgusted, as 
 he said, with open and above-board fighting of Jona- 
 than, who, he swore, did not understand the art of 
 boxing like a gentleman ; and, instead of standing off 
 and milling in a scientific style, would run in upon 
 him, and trip up his heels contrary to all rules. Now 
 when a man cherishes a certain degree of ill-wiU for 
 another, and does not choose to fight it out, it will 
 generally be found that he makes himseK amends by 
 talking against him on aU occasions, raising evil 
 reports, and making him out no better than he should 
 be. 
 
 So it was with the squire, who — when certain evil- 
 disposed people, who knew John's weak side, would 
 come over and smoke a pipe and drink beer with him, 
 and teU the old man how Jonathan's farms were 
 growing every day bigger and bigger and increasing 
 in number so that they amounted to almost double of 
 what they once were ; and how he carried on a great 
 trade with the neighbours ; and how his tenants were 
 the happiest and most prosperous fellows in the world 
 — who, I say, when he had taken these and other 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 99 
 
 doses of wormwood and tansy, would puff out huge 
 volumes of smoke, fidget about in his big chair, and 
 cry out in a great passion, " S'blood and fury, neigh- 
 bours, what do I care for all this ? Did I not beget 
 him ? Did he not learn all he knows, and more be- 
 sides, from me ; and is he not a slack-breeched, saucy, 
 guessing, bragging, lying, cheating rascal, though he 
 is my son, and they say looks as much like me as two 
 peas ? " 
 
 When Jonathan, as he was pretty sure to do, heard 
 all this, he would get into a pretty considerable of a 
 passion himself, and scold back again as hard as he 
 could pelt. This was carried to the squire's ears in 
 good time, and set his tongue going faster than ever, 
 to the tune of the bitterest swearing you ever heard. 
 It was an unseemly thing to hear father and son abus- 
 ing and calling one another names in this way ; but I 
 must say it was in a great measure the squire's fault. 
 He began first, and continued longest ; so that if ever 
 a son had reason to complain of his father, it was 
 poor Jonathan, who, while he was doing aU he could 
 to establish a good name in the neighbourhood, found 
 Ihat John's backbitings and ill-natured remarks were 
 continually setting people against him, and getting. 
 him into hot water. I have heard say the poison of 
 calumny cannot be cured, even by the balsam of good: 
 actions, and Jonathan found it so to his cost. 
 
100 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 CHAPTER XXVn. 
 
 How Squire Bull's tenants began to give up their leases, and go over to 
 settle on Jonathan's farms. 
 
 Though the tenants of Squire Bull were a set of 
 hard-working, industrious fellows, yet Bull, who had 
 the reputation of screwing them rather tight, from 
 time to time raised their rents, and under pretence of 
 building churches, paying the parson, asserting the 
 rights of the manor, and keeping up his own dignity, 
 kept them as poor as Job's turkey, that I have heard 
 could not eat for bones. People in general, though 
 ever so reasonable and judicious, don't like to part 
 with their lawful earnings, and it is no easy matter 
 to reconcile them to having their pockets picked by 
 bailiffs and tax-gatherers, even though it may be 
 according to law. 
 
 This was the case with John's tenants, who cast 
 many a sheep's-eye over the great mill-pond toward 
 Jonathan's farms, of which they heard such things 
 as fairly made their mouths water. They longed to 
 go over there; and, whenever they could get a good 
 chance, packed up bag and baggage, wife and children, 
 and took French leave of their crusty old landlord, 
 without asking his permission, or bidding him so much 
 as good-by. By this means some of his best farms 
 lost their best tenants ; and instead of having a set 
 of jolly fellows as he once had, who .could afford a 
 little fun to themselves sometimes, he found himself 
 troubled with whole swarms of them, who, instead of 
 paying their rents, were obliged to come upon the 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 101 
 
 parish, or labour in his workshops, which everybody 
 said was worse than being a negro. 
 
 Though this was the natural consequence of land's 
 being so cheap and rents' being so low in Jonathan's 
 farms, and of a certain free and easy disposition on 
 the part of that honest feUow, yet did Squire Bull 
 somehow or other get it into his wise pate, that as 
 Jonathan had seduced his boatmen away in the last 
 squabble they had, he was now seducing his tenants 
 in the same unneighbourly manner. He did not, or 
 would not, see, what was as plain as the nose on his 
 face, that this seduction arose from nothing but those 
 good things which men run after whenever they can 
 get a chance. Be this as it may, he called Jonathan 
 such a grist of hard names as would make your hair 
 stand on end to hear. 
 
 Then he went among his tenants, and, after telling 
 them that they were the happiest tenants and he the 
 very best landlord in the whole neighbourhood, began 
 to cut at Brother Jonathan at a fine rate. 
 
 " My honest lads," quoth he, putting on a mighty 
 big look, " did not your fathers, your grandfathers, 
 your great-grandfathers, and your great-great-grand- 
 fathers, live and flourish under me and my fathers 
 from time immemorial, and eat roast-beef and plum- 
 pudding " — here the mouths of the poor fellows be- 
 gan to weep actual tears — "I say roast-beef and 
 plura-pudding, boys, besides stout ale and porter ? " 
 
 " But, alas ! " said the tenants, " we can't get any 
 now, and are fain to live on bread and cheese." 
 
 " And suppose you are," answered the squire, wax- 
 ing wroth — " suppose you are, you stupid block- 
 heads ; did not your ancestors live and flourish under 
 
102 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 my family time out of mind, and will you be so un- 
 grateful as to refuse to put up with a little moderate 
 hunger for the honour of your forefathers and mine ? 
 Body o' me ! but I see you have been seduced by that 
 sapskuU son Jonathan, and his confounded Yankee 
 notions. So you won't starve at home upon scientific 
 principles, you ungrateful villains, hey ? " 
 
 To which the tenants replied, " It is true, our fore- 
 fathers have been comfortable as the tenants of your 
 family ; but, as their children cannot be comfortable 
 any longer, we think we had better try somewhere 
 else. We can't live on the roast-beef and plum-pud- 
 ding of our ancestors." 
 
 " No ! " cried the squire, his eyes almost starting 
 out of his head — " Not live on the roast-beef and 
 plum-pudding of your ancestors, you grovelling, low- 
 lived scum of democracy — poor fellows without 
 souls, that think only of your bodies ! Yes, yes, I see 
 how it is — I see how it is, that rebellious rascal Jon- 
 athan has been seducing you. Why, you great oafs, 
 don't you know that the poorest d — 1 on Jonathan's 
 farms can vote at town-meetings and elections ; and 
 that high and low, rich and poor, are all equal on Jon- 
 athan's farms ? Would you live among such a mean, 
 plebeian set of fellows, not one of whom can carry 
 his head higher than his neighbour? Answer me 
 that, you great blockheads." 
 
 " That is exactly what we should like," replied these 
 honest fellows : " we are quite tired of seeing people 
 i hold their heads so much higher than ourselves ; and, 
 I above all things, desire to have a voice at town- 
 meetings and elections." 
 
 Squire BuU found he had got on a snag, as they 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 103 
 
 say in the Far West farms, and tacked about as fast 
 as he could. 
 
 " But, my honest fellows," said he, coaxingly, " don't 
 you know that the very poorest of you, if he is wise 
 enough, can, if he has good luck, come to be a justice 
 of the peace, or even high-constable, in that scurvy 
 fellow my son Brother Jonathan's farms? Would 
 you live in a place where such low fellows get into 
 office ? " 
 
 " We should like it of all things," said the poor 
 tenants; "we are tired of magistrates that have no 
 feUow-feeling with ourselves." 
 
 The squire this time ran against a sawyer, and 
 once more changed his tune. 
 
 " But, my dear friends, don't you know that liquor 
 and every thing else is so plenty and cheap on Jona- 
 than's farms, that a man can get a dinner and get 
 fuddled besides for a shilling? Would you leave 
 your old landlord, who only keeps you on short com- 
 mons for your own good, to indulge in doing as you 
 please, and drinking as much as you like ? " 
 
 " What a glorious place ! " cried the tenants, one 
 and all. " Let us be off as soon as possible ! " 
 
 So away they went to buy boats to carry them 
 over to Jonathan's farms, leaving the squire to wonder 
 'with all his might, that what was so extremely disa- 
 ' greeable to the landlord should be so very agreeable 
 to the tenants. He found this to be so outrageously 
 unreasonable, that he called the poor fellows a set of 
 ungrateful rascals, and Jonathan a rebellious son of a 
 tinker. He cudgelled his brains for a whole week, 
 and at length hit on a most capital way of being even 
 with Jonathan for seducing his tenants, giving them 
 
104 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 plenty of land at a small rent, and allowing them to 
 vote at elections. 
 
 CHAPTER XXVin. 
 
 Of the -way Squire Bull took to be even witli Brother Jonathan. 
 
 John Bull had a long time ago set up a good num- 
 ber of schools on Bullock Island, for the teaching of 
 Greek, Latin, and other light matters, to the sons of 
 the better sort of tenants, insomuch that some of them, 
 it is said, came at last to teU the difference between a 
 B and a bull's foot in Greek and Latin : whereat the 
 squire grew as vain as a turkey-cock, and swore he 
 had scholars among his tenants that could twist any 
 man of their inches in all the neighbourhood. 
 
 There were besides, among them, fellows that wrote 
 books, such as almanacs, cock-and-bull stories, and 
 the like; and, to give every one his due, here and 
 there a wiseacre, who knew about every thing. Some 
 of these could explain the cause of earthquakes and 
 burning mountains; others could tell, within a foot, 
 the size of a star, that could not be seen without 
 spectacles; others could prove that black was the 
 white of your eye, provided nobody contradicted 
 them ; others could demonstrate that the moon was 
 made of green cheese, and others tell what was inside 
 of your head by only feeling the outside. In short, 
 there was no end to the scholarship of Squire Bull's 
 tenants, one out of ten of whom could almost read 
 and write. 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 105 
 
 Now John, after having convinced his stupid ten- 
 ants aforesaid of the propriety of running away to 
 Jonathan's farms, thought to himself he would be 
 even with him for seducing them. He determined, 
 like the devout Quaker, not to smite him, but to give 
 him a bad name. So, not content with abusing him 
 by word of mouth, which he failed not to do ten times 
 a day, John went to work, and got his_^reai_scholars 
 to write kbels~against the worthy fellow, which he had 
 posteci up agamst"tEe~3oors"oFcEurches and taverns, 
 and repeated by the crier at all public places. " Body 
 o' me ! " quoth he, " but I'll pepper him tiU he is black 
 in the face, that's what I wilL I begat him, and have 
 a right to abuse the rascal as much as I please." 
 
 These poor rogues of scribblers that John hired 
 were glad enough to earn a liberal penny in this 
 way, seeing they were sometimes pretty hard run for 
 a dinner ; and it was a saying among them, that, " a 
 man must eat though he lies for it." Accordingly, 
 they set to work to earn an honest livelihood by bela- 
 bouring unlucky Jonathan pretty handsomely, as we 
 shall see. 
 
 CHAPTER XXrX. 
 
 How one Farmer Parkinson nndertook to prove that Brother Jonathan was 
 no great farmer. 
 
 The first fellow, I believe, that undertook to score 
 Jonathan, was one Farmer Parkinson, who, having 
 ruined himself by farming on Bullock Island, went 
 over to the West farms, to show them how to man- 
 
106 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 age their affairs in that quarter. But Jonathan's 
 people had a way of their own, which they did not 
 choose to unlearn all at once, especially as Master 
 Parkinson did not prosper in his way, as they had 
 heard. Friend Parkinson went all about among 
 Jonathan's farms, finding fault with every thing ; run- 
 ning down their fences ; abusing their ploughs, oxen, 
 horses, and what not ; and predicting their utter ruin 
 if they did not turn over a new leaf and learn a lesson 
 of him. But they only tipped each other the wink, as 
 much as to say, " the proof of the pudding is in the 
 eating." A broken-down farmer is not the best hand 
 in the world to teach his grandmother how to suck 
 eggs, I guess. 
 
 So Farmer Parkinson went back to Bullock Island, 
 and wrote an advertisement which was put up every- 
 where, saying that Brother Jonathan was no farmer, 
 and as ignorant as one of his horses. The squire was 
 tickled to death at this, and went about telling- his 
 tenants what Farmer Parkinson had written. But 
 they only scratched their heads, and wondered that 
 Jonathan's tenants should grow so rich, seeing they 
 knew nothing about farming. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 107 
 
 CHAPTER XXX. 
 
 How Lawyer Jansou * tried his hand at a fling at Brother Jonathan. 
 
 The next fellow John hired to come over to Jona- 
 than's farms to pick holes in his jacket, was one Law- 
 yer Janson, who, I have heard say, never took fees 
 frorn both clients, because he could not get any clients 
 to take them from. He was, however, reckoned 
 rather an eminent practitioner, and belonged, I be- 
 lieve, to that class ceilled pettifoggers, which, reversing 
 the order of precedence, is the highest of all. 
 
 Lawyer Janson, not getting much practice in Bul- 
 lock Island, one reason of which was that the law 
 was so dear few people could afford to buy it, offered 
 his services to go over the mill-pond, and find out a 
 few more of Jonathan's peccadilloes. The squire ac- 
 cordingly put his hand in his breeches-pocket, where 
 great people always carry their money, and gave him 
 enough to pay his ferriage across the mill-pond, telling 
 him he must wait for the rest till he came back again. 
 
 The lawyer settled himself in one of the farms 
 Down Bast, as I have heard ; where he soon reversed 
 the order of nature, for, having no clients and getting 
 into debt, he was taken the law of instead of taking 
 the law of others. Whereupon he put in a new spe- 
 cies of common-bail, that is to say, he gave leg-bail, 
 and ran away like a brave fellow. I heard he was in 
 such a hurry, and was so terribly scared, that he 
 
 * Charles William Janson, " late of the State of Rhode Island" resided 
 in America from 1793 to 1806. He published in London, in 1807, the Stran- 
 ger in America. 4to. — AIMbone's Dictionary of Authors. 
 
108 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 never looked behind him till he got somewhere away 
 off in the Southlands, where he stopped to take breath 
 and make memorandums of what he had seen. Be- 
 ing heartily disgusted with the farms and the tenants, 
 he went over again to BuUock Island, where he 
 posted up a great handbill, charging Brother Jona- 
 than with knowing no more of law than some great 
 lawyers. 
 
 " Body o' me ! " said Squire BuU to Ms tenants, 
 " what do you think of that, you great blockheads, 
 and be hanged to you?" 
 
 " Marry, there is no great harm in that," was their 
 reply; "a man may have too much of a good thing 
 — too much of law, and too much of lawyers." 
 
 Upon this John let fly his wig at them, and swore 
 no poor fellow ever had such a set of blockheads for 
 tenants as himself. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXI. 
 
 How there next came over a smart young sprig, who was reckoned a great 
 beau among Squire Bull's boatmen. 
 
 There was, among John's boatmen, a smart, pert, 
 idle, good-for-nothing young fellow. His parents not 
 knowing what to do with him, put him aboard of one 
 of the squire's boats to learn good manners, and, may- 
 be, some day or other, get to be captain of one of 
 them. His name was De Roos* or De Goose, I for- 
 get which ; and he boasted of coming of a good 
 
 * Probably F. F. De Eoos, who published in London, Travels in the 
 United States and Canada in 1826. Svo. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 109 
 
 family, because he had a name beginning with a De, 
 though, for my part, I can't tell why. This chap hav- 
 ing been a long whUe sculling about in the mill-pond 
 without getting to be any thing but a cabin-boy, 
 thought he might perhaps get a little into Squire 
 Bull's good graces, by taking a trip over to Jonathan's 
 farms, and picking a few more holes in the poor lad's 
 jacket. 
 
 De Goose, as I am pretty sure he was called, was, 
 as I said, a mighty fine sort of a spark, a very old 
 boy among the girls, so that when he came over they 
 almost tittered their little eyes out at seeing such a 
 pretty, nice fellow. He staid a whole night and 
 almost a day in Brother Jonathan's farms, after which 
 he went back to Bullock Island, and posted up a 
 paper, in which he pledged his honour that Jonathan 
 was no gentleman, for he kept company with his ten- 
 ants, and admitted mechanics into his parlour. 
 
 " There, my boys ! there ! " cried John to his ten- 
 ants ; " what do you think of that, you stupid ninny- 
 hamraers ? " 
 
 " Not quite so bad, after all," said they ; " there is- 
 no harm in landlords keeping company sometimes 
 with their tenants, if it is only to get acquainted with 
 their characters. And as for letting poor people 
 come into his parlour, we should like that above all 
 things." 
 
 Upon this they gave a great huzza for Brother 
 Jonathan, and paddled over to his farms as fast as 
 they could. 
 
 " What stupid dolts ! " cried the squire, shaking his 
 head ; " they wiU never know what's good for them. 
 But I must not forget my little De Goose." 
 
110 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Accordingly, in pure gratitude for taking so much 
 pains to enlighten his tenants, he made him captain 
 of one of his old ferry-boats. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXn. 
 
 How Squire Bull sent over one Peter Porcupine to pry into Jonathan's 
 private affairs. 
 
 John had about him an old corporal, who went by 
 the nickname of Peter Porcupine,* one of the most 
 abusive fellows ever known. He was always back- 
 biting the squire, who once or twice got out of 
 patience and clapped him up in jaU for his pains. But 
 though the squire did not like to be clapperclawed 
 himself by Peter, he knew by experience what a bit- 
 ter boy he was at getting up a pack of lies, and for 
 that reason he got him dressed up like a gentleman, 
 and, putting some money in his pockets, sent him over 
 to print handbills and paste them up under Jonathan's 
 very nose. 
 
 Peter accordingly came over the mill-pond, and 
 played away at a fine rate, saying just what he liked, 
 and telling as many great lies as he could invent, for 
 Jonathan was a good-natured fellow, and made it a 
 point of conscience to let his own tenants say what 
 they pleased of him. To be sure they sometimes 
 scored him pretty handsomely, but there is a great 
 difference between the freedoms of old acquaintances 
 
 » William Cobbett, among his multifarious works, published " A Tear's 
 Residence in America." The above was his nom deplume. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. Ill 
 
 and strangers. Peter was a vulgar kind of a chap, 
 and the greatest master of bad language that ever was 
 known. He wrote a grammar on purpose to teach 
 people how to abuse one another in good English. 
 Mercy upon us ! how he did belabour honest Jona- 
 than, even before he knew the poor lad by sight. He 
 called him aU sorts of names, such as rogue, foolj 
 hypocrite, blackguard, ignoramus, negro-driver, and 
 what not. Taking advantage of Jonathan's easy 
 temper, he went so far as to swear he had no right to 
 his own property, and tried to persuade the tenants 
 to go over in a body to Squire Bull, who he said 
 would make them as happy as the day was long, and 
 happier too. 
 
 This was urging the joke rather too far, and at last 
 Jonathan got his back up. He brought his action of 
 slander against the old corporal, and cast him in 
 swingeing damages,* which he found rather hard to 
 pay, though he had made a good deal of money out 
 of Jonathan's tenants, who always pay well for see- 
 ing themselves handsomely abused in black and 
 white. Upon this the corporal had his house painted 
 black aU over, and, after throwing " a bone " for the 
 democrats "to gnaw," he packed himself off home 
 again, to teU John all about it. 
 
 The old squire hereupon called a good many of his 
 tenants around him, and addressed them as fol- 
 lows : — 
 
 " My honest fellows ! you hear what the old cor- 
 
 * WilUam Cobbett. 1762-1835. In 1798 lie settied in Philadelphia, 
 and, establishing Peter Porcupine's Gazette, took a lively interest in the 
 political questions of the day. His intemperance in controversy provoked 
 suits for slander by Dr. Rush and others, and the satirist was fined the siuu 
 of five thousand dollars. — Attiicyne's Dictiona/ry ofAuihori. 
 
112 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 poral says about Jonathan, and all that sort of thing. 
 How happy you are, you great blockheads, if you did 
 but know it. Yet you are always hankering after 
 that snivelling fellow's farms, though he lets his ten- 
 ants do almost just what they please, so that they are 
 pretty much their own masters, and get so rich in a 
 few years that they are able to buy Jonathan out of 
 some of his best lands. A fine place, truly, for a gen- 
 tleman to live in, hey !, you stupid rascals ! " 
 
 " Not so fine for a gentleman," quoth the tenants, 
 " but very fine for us." So they shouted huzza for 
 Brother Jonathan, and bundled themselves oif to the 
 farms as fast as they could. 
 / John scratched his pate, and whistled his old tune 
 I of " God save the king," which he always did when 
 out of sorts ; and turning to Peter, began calling him 
 a great fool for abusing Jonathan for the very things, 
 that made aU his tenants fall in love with the young 
 rascal, and run after him as if they were mad. He 
 refused to do any thing for the old corporal, who, out 
 of pure spite to John, began to praise Jonathan with all 
 his might, and abuse his old daddy. He swore the 
 squire's tenants were a set of " flogged " rogues, for 
 which John had him clapped up in jaU; for, being 
 lord of the manor of BuUock, his will was pretty, 
 much law in these cases. 
 
 " Stay there," quoth the squire, " tiU you learn good 
 manners, and leave off teUing lies." But he might 
 have staid there till doomsday before that happened. 
 
BEOTHEB JONATHAN. 113 
 
 CHAPTER XXXm. 
 
 How Squire Bull sent over one Captain All,* who, it was said, could write 
 better than fight, to find out some more of Brother Jonathan's faults, and 
 how the captain, being troubled with squinting, saw every thing crooked. 
 
 John Bull, being somewhat out of patience at the 
 unaccountable effect produced among his tenants by 
 the great pains he had taken to enlighten them con- 
 cerning Brother Jonathan and his bad habits, deter- 
 mined to pick out one of his cleverest feUows this time, 
 to send over on a voyage of discovery. He accord- 
 ingly found out an old tarpaulin of a feUow among 
 his boatmen, who had sailed all round the mill-pond 
 ever so many times, and made several great discove- 
 ries that nobody else had ever seen before or ever saw 
 afterwards. By reason of having long been in the 
 habit of keeping a regular log-book, the captain, as he 
 was called on account of having once commanded a 
 bumboat, was considered to write a very good hand, 
 and, what was more, could spell like a school-master 
 by the help of the dictionary. 
 
 There was no end to the tough stories he told about 
 what he had seen and done in distant parts. He had 
 bought ever so many fair winds of an old witch Down. 
 East; had caught one of the lights that sometimes 
 are seen in a storm sticking to the ropes of a vessel,, 
 and used it to light his binnacle with; had been 
 among the people that live right under us on the other 
 side of the world, and walk with their heads down- 
 
 » Probably Captain Basil Hall. He published, in 1829, Travels in North 
 America in 1827-28. 3 vols, post Svo. — AMoae's Dictimary of Aulhore. 
 
 8 
 
114 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 ward like flies against the ceiling; had seen a sea- 
 serpent sixteen times as long as the one at Jonathan's 
 farms Down East, and discovered a great island in an 
 out-of-the-way part of the mill-pond called Loo-choo, 
 where all the people were born without heads, and 
 yet had the longest ears he ever saw, longer even than 
 his own. In fact, he was supposed by some to shoot 
 with a long bow, and went among John's tenants by 
 the name of old Quid the tough-yarn-spinner, he be- 
 ing a great chewer of tobacco. 
 
 But Squire Bull liked him the better for drawing a 
 long bow, because, he thought to himself, the captain 
 would not stick at trifles in a good cause. Accord- 
 ingly he caused the captain to be dressed up like 
 a gentleman, that he might the better impose on Jon- 
 athan and his tenants ; put a great cocked-hat bediz- 
 ened with copper-lace on his head ; stuck a pair of 
 tarnished epaulets on his shoulders with a couple of 
 pins; and fastened a rusty sword at least two yards 
 long to the waistband of his breeches. He then gave 
 him a hearty kick of the breech, in token of his ap- 
 probation, and sent him away with plenty of letters 
 of recommendation, setting forth in the most pomp- 
 ous manner his great valour as an officer, and his 
 great accomplishments as a gentleman. 
 
 Jonathan received this doughty fellow with all the 
 respect due to his cocked-hat, his epaulets, his long 
 sword, and his letters of recommendation ; for he was 
 one of the most hospitable lads in the world, and kept 
 open house to all persons, especially strangers, high 
 and low, rich and poor. He feasted the captain to 
 such a degree, and plied him so lustily with good 
 liquor, that half the time the captain did not know 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 115 
 
 whether he was not walking with his head downward, 
 like the queer creatures he had seen on the other side 
 of the earth. With this lusty fare he grew fat, and, 
 like all low fellows, saucy, and began to believe him- 
 self a great officer, only because Jonathan treated him 
 better than he deserved. Jonathan, moreover, gave 
 him letters to all parts of his estate, recommending 
 it to his tenants to make much of the distinguished 
 stranger, as he called him, like a young gosling as he 
 was. 
 
 The captain went all over Jonathan's farms, asking 
 questions of everybody, and getting into a passion if 
 anybody asked questions of him; poking his nose 
 everywhere, prying into every one's business, and 
 making memorandums in his log-book. Jonathan's 
 tenants, who are in the main a cute set of fellows, 
 often bantered him with all sorts of tough stories, 
 which he would write down in his log-book ; but little 
 they thought that he was going to put them out as all 
 gospel when he got home. The captain went grum- 
 bling his way from one end of Jonathan's farms to the 
 other, collecting everything and nothing that fell in 
 his path, and, after eating his way manfully through 
 and through, at last sailed over the great mUl-pond 
 with his log-book. 
 
 There never was a man half so well pleased in this 
 world, according to the best of my belief, as John 
 Bull was when he put on his spectacles and read the 
 captain's log-book, which certainly was the cleverest 
 thing ever written since the travels of Baron Mun- 
 chausen, who, I ought to have mentioned before, was 
 the captain's grandfather by the mother's side, as I 
 have heard. For a man that squinted so mortally, it 
 
116 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 was astonishing what correct views he had taken; 
 and nothing was wanting to a proper understanding 
 of the whole, but to make allowance for the captain's 
 infirmity, and take things directly contrary to what he 
 saw them. His pictures were, in fact, all turned up- 
 sidedown, like the odd fellows he saw walking on 
 their heads the other side of the world. Then the 
 log-book was published at John's expense, as was 
 pretty generally supposed, and everybody swore it 
 was the most philosophical work that had ever been 
 seen, only that the captain's conclusions were always 
 at loggerheads with his premises, and his individual 
 examples for ever opposed to his general inferences. 
 But this I have always thought was owing to the 
 captain's unlucky habit of squinting, which originated, 
 as I have heard, in his always going out in the sun 
 without a hat when he was a little boy and used to 
 go wading along the edge of the mUl-pond to catch 
 tadpoles. 
 
 Be this as it may, John Bull was so tickled with 
 the captEiin's log-book that he gave him a new uni- 
 form, and was casting about how he might further 
 reward his eminent services, when he was taken aU 
 aback by some one coming in to tell him that another 
 great parcel of his tenants had packed off, bag and 
 baggage, to Jonathan's farms, being thereto sorely 
 impelled by the captain's philosophical conclusions. 
 
 The squire was so bothered at this, that he sat 
 down in his arm-chair and fell into a great brown- 
 study : never was a poor gentleman so puzzled to ac- 
 count for a thing as plain as the nose on his face. E 
 he had only put himself in the place of his tenants, 
 he would have found out, soon enough, that the very 
 
BROTHEE JONATHAN. 117 
 
 things with which he twitted Brother Jonathan, were 
 exactly what tickled them, and made them so anxious 
 to hold lands under his son. All he had to do was to 
 make them believe that Jonathan was just such a 
 bitter old landlord as himself, and there would be no 
 danger of his practicing any more seductions upon ■ 
 them. 
 
 But this never occurred to the squire, and he deter- 
 mined to try his hand at getting up another log-book, 
 like a headstrong, obstinate old fellow, as he was. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXrV. 
 
 How Squire Bull dressed up an ugly old trollop* as a lady, and sent her 
 over to try her hand at opening the eyes of his stupid tenants. 
 
 There was an old woman, that, as I have been 
 credibly informed, sold fish and mussels about the 
 manor of Bullock. Owing to her carrying a d — 1 of 
 a tongue in her head, and abusing everybody that 
 tried to beat down her prices, she had gradually got 
 rather low in the world. Whenever she came round 
 with her alewives and gar-fish, the' people would all 
 shut their doors for fear of a lecture ; so that the short 
 and the long of the story is, she failed in business, 
 and, it is said, paid her creditors only one ounce of 
 fish in the pound. She was, however, a pert, smart 
 sort of a body, had learned to read and write at a 
 parish-schdol, and might have kept a school or some 
 such thing if she had only been able to hold her 
 
 * Frances Trollope. Domestic Manners of the Americans. 2 vols. 12mo. 
 London. 1832. 
 
118 
 
 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 tongue a little. They say she was once ducked for a 
 common scold, but I cannot pledge myself as to that 
 matter. 
 
 The squire, happening to have some recollection of 
 the old woman, having once been pretty well lectured, 
 by her in a bargain for a John Dory, thought to him- 
 self, as all his male missionaries had done him only 
 harm, he would try what a female could do. So he 
 sent for her to come to him, which she did in not one 
 of her best humours. John who, as I said, knew her 
 of old, felt a little skittish when she came, with a 
 great old black calash on her head, a faded silk gown, 
 and divers other remnants of her ancient glories, which 
 she always wore on great occasions. 
 
 John undertook to let her into his plan in the most 
 delicate way he could think of; but, though there was 
 something in the thing that pleased the spiteful old 
 creature weU enough, she began to rate him soundly, 
 on account of some old grudges not worth speaking 
 of in this place. 
 
 " Marry, come up, my doughty squire," cried she, 
 " you can be civil enough now you want me. You 
 forget, I 'spose, when you rated me about that John 
 Dory, which, as I am a living sinner, was as fresh as 
 a spring morning, though you said its giUs were as 
 blue as indigo. Yes, yes ; but I'll let you know I'm 
 not to be made a fool of: I'm not to be bamboozled, 
 befooled, and befiddled in this way, I can tell you. I 
 am an honest woman, and I don't care who knows it. 
 You mustn't think to poke fun into me in this way, 
 that I can tell you." And she gradually raised her 
 voice till it squeaked like a fiddle, so that the squire 
 was fain to stuff his thumbs into his ears. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 119 
 
 But they say hard squalls never last long, and this 
 one blew over in a few minutes. The squire, albeit 
 he would like to have had the old creature ducked, 
 having a point to gain, held in his anger like a whole 
 team, and locked the wheels of his tongue for fear it 
 should run down hill and dash his project all to pieces. 
 He coaxed her at last into a better humour, and, by 
 promising her a new hat, a new poplin gown, and 
 a whole bladder of snufF, at last brought her to con- 
 sent to go over the mill-pond to Jonathan's farms, and 
 look into the manners and customs of the good women 
 there, and see wherein they were wanting in civility 
 and refinement. At the same time, the sly rogue 
 could not, for the soul of him, help laughing in his 
 sleeve, to think what a fine judge of such matters was 
 this old sinner, who, he had good reason to know, had 
 never eaten out of any thing better than a wooden 
 trencher in all her born days. 
 
 The old creature, after bargaining for a looking- 
 glass that she might see herself in her new dress on 
 the passage over the rmll-pond, at length set sail, and 
 in good time arrived at the mouth of a great creek 
 that ran a good way up into Jonathan's farms in the 
 Far West. There chanced to be in the boat that 
 carried over Madame Trollope, as she was nicknamed, 
 a young single lady, who, though she had several 
 husbands, was never married, so far as I can learn. 
 This young single-married-woman was going over to 
 Jonathan's farms to civilize the people, and teach the 
 women a proper regard to morals. Now, as Madame 
 Trollope was going to set them an example in good 
 manners, nothing was more natural than that these 
 two should grow very intimate, and, as it were, join 
 stocks together. 
 
120 JOHN BULL ANE 
 
 Accordingly, they patched up a great friendship, 
 and agreed to prosecute their benevolent intentions 
 toward the wives and daughters of Brother Jona- 
 than's tenants in partnership. But the old creature's 
 tongue was such an unruly member that she could not 
 for the life of her keep it in order ; so that, by the time 
 they began to know one another tolerably well, a sepa- 
 ration took place. The young unmarried woman with 
 several husbands went her way to preach up her new 
 system of morals, and the old creature to exercise her 
 skill in polishing the manners of the rude women of 
 Jonathan's farms, who knew nothing of the delights 
 of flirtation, and were so ineffably vulgar that, it is 
 currently said, they looked upon the marriage-vow as 
 little less than a sacred obligation. 
 
 What became of the young woman I never heard, 
 but the old one found her way up the long creek to 
 one of Jonathan's new settlements, where she was re- 
 ceived and treated with the greatest kindness, and for 
 a time passed among the simple tenants for a lady. 
 This settlement was what they call a new clear- 
 ing, inhabited by people of plain homely habits, but 
 withal of great industry and enterprise, and gifted with 
 a tolerable portion of good sense as well as sagacity. 
 They had a new country to clear and cultivate, and 
 possessed all the good qualities so generally found 
 among an industrious population of farmers. They 
 did not understand the frisky airs Madame Trollope 
 gave herself, nor could they be brought to giving up 
 reading the Bible and going to church, which the old 
 creature said was what made them so mighty stupid 
 about understanding the true intent and meaning of 
 the marriage-vow. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 121 
 
 But this was not the worst : the men actually spit 
 against the wind ; ate their dinners in a great hurry, I 
 suppose because they had something to do afterward ; 
 and sometimes, instead of drinking wine at the dinner- 
 table, drank a glass of bitters at the bar. But what 
 capped the climax, they one and all resolutely declined 
 making love to the old creature, who, now that she 
 was dressed out so fine, had a notion that she was 
 a beauty. She fell into a roaring fury, and all but 
 swore the tenants of Jonathan had no more sensibil- 
 ity to female charms or female society than so many 
 raccoons; and all this because they would not go 
 about philandering with an old woman, whose voice 
 squeaked like a fiddle, and whose face was, they say, 
 not much unlike that of the fish called a sole. 
 
 The old creature, being disgusted with the insensi- 
 bility of these stupid blockheads, got into a tearing 
 passion, and went into the woods some way off, where 
 she set up a school of painting and other accomplish- 
 ments. But she got no scholars, because there were 
 none to be had ; and then she was taken with another 
 tantrum, and declared the people had no more taste for 
 the polite arts than the wild Indians. After this, she 
 set up a shop in the settlement I mentioned before, fur- 
 nished with wooden horses, humming-tops, tin swords, 
 and all sorts of children's playthings and the like, 
 which the tenants had no more use for than they had 
 for the old creature's accomplishments, which I suspect 
 were, after all, but make-believe ; for I don't see how 
 an old fish-woman could come honestly by them, for 
 my part. 
 
 At last she got out of all patience with these stub- 
 born people, and pronounced them, as well as I can 
 
122 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 recollect hard words, incorrigible, and utterly incapa- 
 ble of development. She scolded and iidgeted about 
 for some time, and played the fine lady at a great rate ; 
 but aU in vain. Nobody came to flirt with her ; the 
 women persisted in going to church instead of making 
 love to other peoples' husbands, and the men contin- 
 ued to spit against the wind, and eat by sleight of 
 hand, in spite of all she could say or do. 
 
 Finding they were of such rough materials that it 
 was impossible to make them bear a polish, the old 
 creature one day at a tea-party feU foul of them tooth 
 and nail ; she called them devotees, church-goers, stu- 
 pid domestic drudges that did not know the delights 
 of flirtation; finikin, minikin, mincing, mock-modest, 
 squeamish, hard-working, domestic tabby-cats ; and as 
 for the men, she denounced them for a tobacco-chew- 
 ing, spitting, gouging, fast-eating, sling-drinking set, 
 with heads like a beetle, and consciences so soft that 
 they were afraid to make love against law and gospel. 
 After this, she turned her back on the company, and 
 curling up her nose in an agony of supercilious and 
 thorough-bred disgust, strutted majestically out of the 
 room, and made tracks, as the saying is, for the an- 
 cient manor of BuUock, where she arrived in due 
 season. 
 
 Squire BuU was hugely delighted to see her come 
 back again, and all but kissed the old creature when 
 he found what a precious mess of scandal she had 
 manufactured for the edification of his tenants. He 
 got it all printed, hired Captain All to swear it was 
 every bit true, and, calling his tenants before him, thus 
 addressed them : — 
 
 " You see, my honest fellows, and be hanged to you, 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 123 
 
 what a poor d — 1 is my son Jonathan, and what mis- 
 erable, unpolished, vulgar dogs are his tenants. They 
 don't give themselves time to eat, and — " 
 
 " But then they have plenty to eat," said John's 
 tenants. 
 
 " Hold your tongues, you impudent varlets," said the 
 squire, in a rage, " and hear what I am going to say ; 
 I was saying," — (here he took out Madame TroUope's 
 book, which it is said Captain All wrote for her, and, 
 putting on his spectacles, refreshed his memory by 
 looking over some parts of it) — " Ah !, yes, here we 
 have it all in black and white. Now listen, you intol- 
 erable blockheads. If you go over to my son Jona- 
 than's farms, you will have no flirtations; you will 
 know nothing of painting, sculpture, and the fine arts ; 
 you will not be able to get a living by selling wooden 
 horses, tin trumpets, and the like ; and, as for music, 
 they play on the banjo, and sing nothing but the ' Old 
 Hundred ' there. Now I, you know, boys, am one of 
 the most musical fellows in the world, and will teach 
 you all to sing like nightingales — listen, you intoler- 
 able blockheads." 
 
 And then he began to roar " God save the king," so 
 that some of Jonathan's tenants thought they heard 
 him quite across the mill-pond, and took it for thun- 
 der. Upon this the tenants, who are very loyal fel- 
 lows, began to join chorus, and they had a bout of it 
 among them. 
 
 " Now, my hearties," quoth the old squire, " listen 
 to me : — if you go over to Jonathan's farms, you'll 
 get no music except that of the ' Old Hundred.' " 
 
 " But we can't live on music," said the tenants. 
 
 " Hem ! but, you egregious ninnies, you don't see 
 
124 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 the thing in a right point of view — as I was saying, 
 you'll be able to sell no wooden horses or tin trum- 
 pets." 
 
 "But you know, squire, we don't make wooden 
 horses or tin trumpets, and don't want to sell them." 
 
 "But, you infernal knaves — you egregious dodi- 
 poles — you gnat-snappers you — don't I teU you 
 there are no churches in Jonathan's farms, and that 
 his tenants only pay the parson just what they please, 
 the unbelieving villains ! " 
 
 " The very thing," cried they all, Avith one voice. 
 
 " But I tell you the feUow has no more religion 
 than the Pope of Rome." 
 
 "Just what we want — we have paid enough to 
 the church and the parson," cried they all again. 
 
 " But I tell you, you ninnyhammer gnat-snappers, 
 that—" 
 
 Here he again had recourse to the old creature's 
 book, and after turning over a good number of leaves, 
 looked up to go on with his speech, when lo ! and 
 behold ! his tenants had marched off one and all, and 
 he saw them half way across the mill-pond, paddling 
 away for life toward Jonathan's farms. 
 
 " Body o' me ! " exclaimed the squire, " I believe 
 the old boy is in them all, for they won't listen to 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 125 
 
 CHAPTER XXXV. 
 
 How one Parson Fibber comes over to convert Jonathan's tenants to the true 
 church, and teach them some outlandish language, the name of which I 
 have forgot. 
 
 There was a prosing old parson about Bullock 
 Island, who sometimes eked out his living by keeping 
 a night-school, to teach some outlandish tongue that 
 was of no more use to the tenants than two tongues 
 would have been. He was very much liked by people 
 that go to church to take a comfortable nap, but 
 among the greater part of the tenants he was reckoned 
 a dull sort of a fellow enough. He was, moreover, a 
 sad hand at telling fibs, by which he got the nickname 
 of Fibber, though I believe his real name was Fid- 
 dler,* a droll name for a parson. Some said he ought 
 to have been called Bagpipes, for he always preached 
 with a mortal drone. 
 
 Be this as it may. Parson Fibber, finding it rather 
 difficult to make both ends meet, and that the tenants 
 of Bullock Island had lost all confidence in his word, 
 so that they would hardly believe the Scriptures 
 when he preached them, thought to himself he would 
 go over to Jonathan's farms, where he was not so 
 well known, and where he had heard people were 
 mighty fond of taking a comfortable nap in church. 
 He expected to get all at once into a good fat living, 
 it being one of the thirty-nine articles of belief I 
 spoke of in the beginning of this history, that there 
 
 * Eevd. Isaac Fiddler. Observations on Professions, Literature, Manners, 
 and Emigration, in the United States and Canada, made during a residence 
 there in 1832. London. 1833. 12mo. — Attibone's Dictionary of Authors. 
 
126 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 were neither churches nor preachers in Jonathan's 
 farms. The honest tenants of Bullock Island did not 
 know that there were plenty of churches, and more 
 sects than churches by a great deal. 
 
 Parson Fibber played his bagpipes all through the 
 farms, and called aloud and spared not ; but he got 
 no call for all that, and, what was worse, Jonathan's 
 tenants demurred to learning the outlandish tongue 
 which was of no use to them, being very busy culti- 
 vating their lands, making fences, and working like 
 brave fellows, that they might keep themselves and 
 their children from coming upon the parish like Squire 
 Bull's tenants. They moreover, one and aU, refused 
 to fall asleep at his sermons, upon which he was so 
 mortified that he turned his back upon them, and 
 went over to Bullock Island, where he wrote a book 
 duller than one of his own sermons, in which he 
 indulged himself wonderfully in drawing the long 
 bow, and many people thought outdid all his former 
 exploits in this species of archery. 
 
 The squire, as usual, was hugely delighted with 
 the new batch of stories against Jonathan, and, as I 
 read in one of the newspapers of Bullock Island, pro- 
 moted the parson to a stall, where I suppose he was 
 allowed to eat oats with John's horses. He then sent 
 for some of his tenants that he heard were thinking 
 of going over to Jonathan's farms, and holding the 
 parson's book upsidedowri in his hand, began to tell 
 them as follows : — 
 
 " My joUy fellows, I hear you talk of going over to 
 that snivelling, hop-o'-my-thumb jockey, my son Jona- 
 than. Now I tell you that you are a parcel of block- 
 heads. Look here — " and then he read out of the 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 127 
 
 parson's book, how Jonathan's tenants, though they 
 all had more or less books in their houses, had no 
 great libraries full of great folios that not one in a 
 hundred could read, and that they had no ttiore relig- 
 ion than horses, for they would not give Parson Fib- 
 ber a good fat living in reward for putting them to 
 sleep every Sunday. 
 
 He then took down an old rusty key, which looked 
 as if it had not been used since the invention of locks, 
 and, after worrying and swearing not a little because 
 it was so rusty it would not turn round, at last, with 
 much ado opened a door, and showed them a great 
 number of big books all covered with dust and spider- 
 webs and looking as sleepy as if they had not been 
 disturbed for a hundred years. He took down one, 
 and, brushing off the dust with his coat-sleeve which 
 turned the colour of a miller's frock, opened it and 
 tried to read; but, being rather out of practice, he 
 only mumbled a little to himself and shut it again. 
 
 " There, my boys," cried he, snapping his fingers, 
 " what do you think of that, hey ? aint I a scholar, 
 you great blockheads ? and yet you want to sneak 
 over to my son Jonathan, who, considering I begat 
 him, does little credit to his daddy, and whose ten- 
 ants, though they can aU read, write, and cipher, have 
 no great libraries like this, and. Parson Fibber says, 
 don't understand Greek at all. You may judge of 
 the value they put upon learning, when it is so cheap 
 they can get it for nothing ! What think you of that, 
 boys, hey ? " 
 
 " Get learning for nothing ! " cried they all, with one 
 voice, — " Huzza for Brother Jonathan ! let's be off, 
 boys, and leave the squire to his big books, which 
 nobody, not even himself, can understand." 
 
128 JOHN BULL AND, 
 
 So away they went, leaving John with his book in 
 his hand, and his spectacles on his nose, swearing like 
 a trooper. He had a great mind to take Parson Fib- 
 ber from the stall, and put one of his horses in his 
 place again, only he had somehow or other got the 
 reputation of being the great bulwark of the church, 
 and did not like to lose it. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVI. 
 
 How Squire Bull's new wife was suspected of being too great with Brother 
 Jonathan, who it was thought had put strange notions in hei head. 
 
 Much about this time John BuU's wife began to 
 talk to a new tune, and take considerable liberties 
 with the old squire's household, which, she insisted 
 upon it, wanted reforming. She told him his house 
 was overrun with a parcel of lazy, good-for-nothing 
 servants, who set themselves up for gentlemen, — 
 " Marry, come up! gentlemen indeed!", would she 
 say : — "a parcel of idle, extravagant, good-for-noth- 
 ing varlets, that don't earn so much as salt to their 
 porridge, and eat you out of house and home ! I tell 
 you, John, if you don't send one half of them packing, 
 and make the other half do their duty, you are a ru- 
 ined man. The tenants are getting so poor that they 
 can't pay their rents, and are going over to Jonathan's 
 farms by dozens, while you keep on spending away 
 and boasting of your riches, as if you had a mine of 
 gold in your breeches-pocket instead of a parcel of 
 good-for-nothing paper-rags, and did not owe more 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 129 
 
 than all your estate would sell for to-morrow. I tell 
 you, John Bull, you must reform — reform, John, I 
 say, or you'll be a bankrupt before you know where 
 you are." 
 
 " Reform ! " quoth the squire — " Reform ! I'll be 
 switched if I do. Who ever heard of a man of my 
 age reforming, except when he was on his last legs, 
 hey? Now I am a hale, hearty fellow; it will be 
 time enough for me to reform, a dozen years hence." 
 
 Mrs. Bull began to quiz John about his legs, which 
 she said looked like a pair of drumsticks and shook 
 under him every step he walked. 
 
 " You, a hale, hearty feUow ! Why, you look like 
 an old, battered, worn-out glutton, who has rolled into. 
 a lump of bloated flesh, and cannot go, until, like a 
 clock, you have been wound up every Sunday morn- 
 ing. Your dancing days are over, John." 
 
 " Are they, by jingo ? " cried the squire. " I'll show 
 you, my dear." 
 
 And he tried to cut a great caper, but was seized' 
 with such a twinge that he roared out lustily, while 
 Mrs. Bull laughed ready to split her sides. 
 
 " Well, my dear," quoth the squire,, whom the 
 twinge had brought to reason, " I believe I am grow- 
 ing a little old." 
 
 " Indeed are you, John ; and, as I said before,, it is 
 high time for you to think about reforming. You; 
 have been a sad fellow in your day, and don't know 
 how soon you may die, leaving me a disconsolate 
 widow, a lone woman with nobody to care for her." 
 
 " Well, well, I'll think of it, my dear," answered 
 John, whom the idea of being near his end had made 
 
 9 
 
130 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 very penitent for the time being, as is the case with 
 most people. 
 
 They parted for the present; and John went to 
 consult some of his overseers and stewards, of whom 
 he had six times as many as he needed. One of 
 these cunning varlets, who hated the very ghost of re- 
 form much more than he did the old boy himself, 
 thought, if he could only make John a little jealous of 
 his wife, he might escape for this time. So he began 
 to insinuate that Jonathan had been putting some of 
 his Yankee notions into her head ; and, as he had be- 
 gun by seducing his tenants, had ended by undermin- 
 ing the virtue of his wife. 
 
 " You're right ! — you're right ! I see it all as plain 
 as daylight," cried the squire, throwing up his right 
 hand, and slapping his fat thigh with the other. " The 
 unnatural, infamous, underhand, sneaking son of a — 
 hem! — not quite so bad as that, either. But, if I 
 don't be even with the young rascal, my name is not 
 John Bull. And madam, too ! I must reform ! I'm 
 an old fellow, forsooth — she's found that out, has 
 she ? I'm over head and ears in debt, am I ? 'I can't 
 walk without my legs shaking under me,' says buxom 
 Mrs. BuU. She's found out the difference betwixt an 
 old fellow and a young one, has she? No honest 
 woman could have made the discovery, and be hanged 
 to her. But I'll be even with them both. I'll chal- 
 lenge the young rascal, and turn my wife out of 
 doors." 
 
 He was going to set about it, when the cunning 
 varlet of a steward reminded the squire, in the gen- 
 teelest manner possible, of the duel they had together 
 a few years before ; and that, while the squire, (with 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 131 
 
 great submission), had grown old since, and was 
 obliged to walk with a stick, Jonathan had been 
 waxing bigger and bigger, and stronger and stronger 
 every day. He concluded by advising him, as the 
 best mode of putting a stop to the further seductions 
 of the young villain, to hold him up to the world, his 
 tenants, and his wife, as one of the greatest rogues 
 and blackguards in the whole world. By this course 
 Jonathan would get such a bad character that no de- 
 cent woman would dare to keep company with him. 
 
 " Why, body o' me ! " quoth the squire, " haven't I 
 tried that already a dozen times? It won't do — I 
 tell you it won't do, for all I can say about that 
 young rascal only makes everybody fall in love with 
 him the more. The men all pull off their hats to him, 
 and the women run after him like a flock of sheep. 
 Body o' me ! I begin to suspect he is a pretty decent 
 sort of a fellow, and in time wiU come to do credit to 
 the father who begat him — hey ? " 
 
 " Yes," replied the varlet, with a sneer, " you'd 
 better invite him over to the manor, and give him a 
 fair chance with the old lady." 
 
 This stung John to the quick, and, after scratching 
 his head, chattering at random, and stamping about 
 like a man in a quandary, he suddenly stopped and 
 asked the varlet what he should do. He told the 
 squire, that, as to challenging Jonathan, that would 
 be rather an expensive concern, and the issue very 
 doubtful. It might end in a broken head and an 
 empty pocket. On the whole, there was no other 
 way than to persuade Mrs. BuU that Jonathan was 
 beneath her notice, being a low-lived simpleton of a 
 country bumpkin, whose sentiments, character, and 
 
132 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 person, -would disgrace any lady that kept company 
 with him. 
 
 " But what shall I do to keep my tenants from han- 
 kering so after Jonathan's farms, and adopting aU his 
 Yankee notions, hey ? " 
 
 " Tell them that Jonathan don't eat with silver 
 forks," quoth the other. 
 
 " Body o' me ! so I will ; if that don't do his busi- 
 ness, I'm mistaken." 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVn. 
 
 How Squire Bull sent over one Corporal Smelfimgus* to smell out Jonathan's 
 enormities, and who this corporal was. 
 
 John was determined this time to be particular in 
 his selection of a person to do Jonathan's business, 
 and leave him no more character than some people 
 that shall be nameless. Accordingly, after consider- 
 able search, he found out a fellow called Smelfungus, 
 which I have heard was a nickname, given him on 
 account of his always curling up his nose as if he 
 smelt something disagreeable. He was one of the 
 greatest grumblers in the whole manor of Bullock, 
 which is full of them, and never was known to be\ 
 pleased with anybody or any thing but himself. They 
 say he was born grumbling, and it was foretold that 
 he would die grumbling, as his father and mother did 
 
 * Captain Thomas Hamilton, R.A., author of " Men and Manners in 
 America," published in 1833, is supposed to have been in view here. But 
 Mr. Paulding often refers to one fictitious personage the characteristics 0^ 
 or scandal connected with, several travellers. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 133 
 
 before him. Such, indeed, was his propensity to this 
 amusement, that, not being able to grumble suffi- 
 ciently by word of mouth, he learned to write, on 
 purpose that he might grumble on paper at the same 
 time, and thus, as it were, lull two birds with one 
 stone. Smelfungus was moreover a scandalous dog, 
 and did not always stick to the truth, though he pre- 
 tended to be a pious man, and very much of a gen- 
 tleman withal. For my part, from what I have heard, 
 I believe he was about as much of one as the other. 
 
 He professed to be a great stickler for good man- 
 ners, though he did not practice them much himself 
 — a nice judge of dress, though he was seldom seen 
 in a clean shirt — and a great critic in sUver forks, as 
 most people admire what they seldom see. But what 
 he most valued himself upon was a certain air of 
 gentility, which he had acquired by shaving himself 
 once a week before a piece of a looking-glass. Alto- 
 gether, he was a poor creature enough, and only fit 
 for the dirty job he was about being employed in. 
 There are people made for every thing, and Smelfun- 
 gus was predestined to write libels on his fellow- 
 creatures. 
 
 f The squire opened his project to Corporal Smel- 
 I fungus, who snapped at it with a sort of instinctive 
 j eagerness. It was the very thing he preferred above 
 !■ all others. Then the squire told him his suspicions 
 jthat Jonathan had been tampering with Mrs. Bull, 
 I and that this was the true secret of her talking so 
 I much confounded nonsense about reforming his 
 j household, letting his tenants vote at town-meetings, 
 and twitting him continually about Jonathan's having 
 more money than he knew how to dispose of, mailing 
 
134 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 his tenants so comfortable that they hardly knew what 
 1 a tight boot felt Mke, and doing more about his 
 1 house with a few smart hands, than he, Squire Bull, 
 \ did with a houseful of lazy, lubberly servants. He 
 \ said he had caught her several times casting a sheep's 
 I eye toward Jonathan's farms, and quoting him as an 
 ! example to his old father. 
 
 Smelfungus hereupon advised the squire to get a 
 divorce, as he had a right to do by the laws of the 
 manor; but John shook his head, and said that ten 
 to one he would only get a worse termagant, for it 
 seemed to him that the whole neighbourhood was 
 infected with Jonathan's example, and running stark 
 mad with reform. The corporal, who, like all the 
 little varmints who sneak about rich old codgers such 
 as Squire Bull and live by picking their pockets, 
 hated the word reform worse than poison, for fear it 
 should begin with him — the corporal, I say, was as 
 angry as a puddle in a storm, and grumbled out that 
 he would soon do Jonathan's business. 
 
 "I'll leave him no — no more character — than — 
 than — " 
 
 " Than you have yourself — hey, corporal ? " quoth 
 the squire, and fell into an honest, jolly laugh, such as 
 he used to enjoy in old times, before he set himself up 
 for a great bully, and got over head and ears in debt, 
 for the sake of maintaining his character as a fine 
 gentleman, to which he had little or no pretensions. 
 I He was, in truth, a sturdy, off-hand, frank old fellow 
 I enough, except toward his son Jonathan, whom, be- 
 cause he had begotten him, he thought he might 
 abuse as much as he pleased ; but as to being a fine 
 gentleman, it was all in my eye and Betty Martin. 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 135 
 
 Though he aped the fine folks among his neighbours, 
 he did it so awkwardly, that everybody said he might 
 better stick to the respectable character of a country 
 squire, hunt foxes, live among his tenants instead of 
 travelling about to learn how to become a fine gentle- 
 man forsooth, and spend his money among those that 
 earned it, instead of throwing it away on fiddlers, 
 dancers, and such like caterpillars of the common- 
 wealth. 
 
 But John did not mind all this. The greatest fool 
 in the world is an old fool, for there is no hope of his 
 living to grow wiser. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXVm. 
 
 How Corporal Smelftingus gloriously succeeded in hia mission, and what 
 miraculous effects his relation had on Mrs. Bull and the Squire's tenants. 
 
 "When Corporal Smelfungus got over to Jonathan's 
 farms, that hospitable young fellow feasted him hearti- 
 ly, and showed him every attention, as was his cus- 
 tom toward strangers, of whose good word he was 
 apt to think more than it deserved. 
 
 But the corporal was determined beforehand to be 
 pleased with nothing, being, as I said before, set upon 
 undeceiving Mrs. Bull and the squire's tenantry, and 
 rescuing them from Brother Jonathan's seductions. 
 He maintained that the former was no better than 
 she should be, and the latter a parcel of drivellers, to 
 think the squire could learn any thing worth knowing 
 from such a snivelling, mint-sling rum-jockey, who had 
 
136 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 no more manners than a bear, and no more morals 
 than a pickpocket. 
 
 He went about raking up all the old stories that 
 had been hatched against Brother Jonathan for a 
 hundred years past, and invented as many more as 
 he could ; but it -was not a great many, being rather a 
 dull fellow, with more ill-nature than wit, and more 
 malignity than invention. The truth is, he was not a 
 little put to it to find matter for running down Jona- 
 than. His tenants were so well off, their rents so low, 
 and they had such a plenty to eat and drink, that the 
 corporal did not know exactly where to take hold 
 of him, and was obliged to turn up his nose at the 
 merest trifles, for want of something better. 
 
 One day, being at breakfast at a tavern, he luckily 
 saw a mustard-pot upset on the table, upon which he 
 noted it down carefully, that Jonathan could never 
 eat his meals without upsetting all the mustard, and 
 did not know how to behave like a gentleman. 
 
 The next thing he did was to find fault with the 
 great size of Jonathan's beefsteaks, which he swore 
 were as big as newspapers, and enough to take away 
 a man's stomach to look at. But what was worse 
 than aU this, he had no silver forks at his table, and 
 none but barbarians could eat without silver forks. 
 
 Happening to see a young feUow who was an 
 officer in the militia, in his everyday clothes, wearing 
 a dirk to show he was a soldier, the corporal put it 
 down in his memorandum-book that all Jonathan's 
 tenants wore dirks, and did not mind killing a neigh- 
 bour any more than they did murdering the squire's 
 English, as he called it. Every man he saw that had 
 but one eye, he concluded had been gouged to a cer- 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 137 
 
 tainty ; and if any one happened to ask him the hour, 
 instead of pulling out his turnip and answering him 
 in a civil manner, he set him down as an impertinent, 
 giiessing, inquisitive Yankee, as Jonathan's tenants 
 were commonly called. But he did not tell them so 
 to their faces, for fear of being gouged. 
 
 There was an old joke, got up in a good-humoured 
 way, about some of Jonathan's tenants away Down 
 East selling wooden nutmegs, and playing other such 
 pranks upon the people of Southlands; this the cor- 
 poral got hold of, for he was very industrious in pick- 
 ing up such things, and thereupon set down the peo- 
 ple Down East as a parcel of rogues. 
 
 Sometimes he employed himself whole days count- 
 ing how many times the people spit; and again he 
 would stand with his watch in his hand, calculating 
 how many minutes they were in swallowing their 
 dinner, and how many times they drank at their 
 meals ; or would listen to the free, off-hand talking of 
 the tenants, to find out whether they spoke good 
 grammar ; and, whenever he got a chance, he would 
 peep into the bedchambers, to see if they had any 
 clean towels, combs, wash-hand basins, and proper 
 conveniences under the bed. Happening to find a 
 dirty napkin one day in a miserable tavern, in a room 
 without a comb, he snapped his fingers in triumph, 
 and swore Jonathan's tenants did not know what 
 clean napkins were, and combed their hair with curry- 
 combs. When he could find nothing to set him going, 
 he scratched his pate, and passed his time grumbling 
 about democratic licentiousness, and universal suf- 
 frage. All this he called speculating, generalizing, and 
 philosophizing. 
 
138 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Having a great taste, like most of Squire Bull's 
 tenants, for seeing people hanged, he went all through 
 Jonathan's farms to find out a gallows, and being dis- 
 appointed in his search, relieved his mortification by 
 putting down in his memorandums that there was no 
 such thing as punishing a criminal, and that it re- 
 quired great interest to get hanged there. All this 
 time he was feasting and carousing it lustily among 
 the tenants, who little thought they had an ill-natured, 
 grumbling, tattling curmudgeon among them, spying 
 out their little oddities, and inventing scandsils when 
 he could not find any ready made to his hands. Once 
 or twice, indeed, he got taken down pretty handsome- 
 ly. The first time was when he attempted to walk 
 over a dinner-table, to show his breeding; and the 
 next when he undertook to sprawl himself at full 
 length on a sofa, among some of Jonathan's ladies. 
 These little rubs only made him ten times the more 
 spiteful, and he paid poor Jonathan off in his memo- 
 randums. 
 
 When he had collected together all the scandal and 
 tittle-tattle, and pumped out of the old women all the 
 private anecdotes they had stored up for fifty years 
 past, he went back to Bullock Island, chuckling at his 
 great success, and thinking to himself how he should 
 stump Mrs. Bull, and the drivellers who had been 
 seduced by Brother Jonathan into an admiration of 
 his parts and an imitation of his Yankee notions. 
 
 " Well, corporal," cried the squire, as soon as he 
 laid eyes on him — "well, my fine fellow, have you 
 dished that rebellious rogue, my son Jonathan — hey, 
 baby ? Come, let's see what you have got ; out with it, 
 my hearty!" — and he rubbed his hands, in expectation 
 of a high treat from the corporal's muster-roll. 
 
BROTHEE JONATHAN. 139 
 
 Corporal Smelfungus thereupon pulled out a whole 
 bundle of smutty paper, (for he was rather a dirty little 
 fellow, and always carried his snuff in his breeches- 
 pocket), and began to read off what he had set down, 
 in a pompous manner, as though it had. been well 
 worth hearing, the squire all the time rubbing his 
 hands, snapping his fingers, and drinking the corpo- 
 ral's health every two minutes. 
 
 "Body o' me!" he would cry out every now and 
 then, "body o' me! what will Madam Bull say to 
 that, and what wiU those great blockheads, my ten- 
 ants, think of this. By George, corporal, but I think 
 this wiU do the business, and put an end to Master 
 Jonathan's seductions." Then would he strut about 
 the room, the corporal following, and ever and anon 
 having a fling at honest Jonathan out of his memo- 
 randums. After this, nothing would do but he must 
 go to his wife and tell her all about it. 
 
 The good lady was a little stumped at Jonathan's 
 having no silver forks, though, for the matter of that, 
 it was but a little while since the squire had begun to 
 use them at great doings and holidays. AU the rest 
 of the time he kept them locked up, for fear his ser- 
 vants would steal them, I suppose, "Women, I have 
 observed, think a great deal of such matters ; and the 
 very hardest thing they can say of a man is, that he 
 is not genteel. Men don't mind these trifles so much, 
 except in so far as they approach to the feelings and 
 habits of women. Mrs. Bull thought to herself it was 
 better to have silver forks and nothing to eat with 
 them, than to have plenty of victuals and no silver 
 forks. Jonathan, therefore, began rapidly to fall from 
 her good graces. ^^^ 
 
140 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 As the corporal proceeded to read how Jonathan 
 swallowed his meat without chewing it, piled up his 
 bones by the side of his plate instead of picking them 
 like a gentleman, and combed his hair with a curry- 
 comb, Mrs. Bull began to make wry faces ; b ut whe n, 
 by way of a top-off, the corporal read out in an audi- 
 ble Aroice how Jonathan cracked his eggs at the wrong 
 end, she gave a loud shriek, ~an3Teirinto the squire's 
 arms in a fit. When she came to againT^e gave the 
 squire a hearty smack, and promised faithfully to have 
 no more to say to a fellow that had no silver forks, 
 and broke his eggs at the wrong end. 
 
 " By the glory of my ancestors," cried John, " but 
 you're the man for my money, after all, corporal. 
 What shall I do for you, my brave fellow, hey ? Hum 
 — ha — I have it. I'll make you superintendent of 
 the Bridewell, and you shall teach the bad women to 
 be genteel," The corporal kissed his hand as in duty 
 bound. 
 
 " But, body o' me ! " said the squire, after a little 
 while, " now we've done the old woman's business, 
 let us go and get my rascally tenants out of Jona- 
 than's seductions." 
 
 Accordingly, they went round among them, the 
 corporal all the while reading out of his muster-roll of 
 dirty paper, until they got a great crowd about them. 
 
 " There, there ! " said the squire, when they came to 
 the silver forks ; " what think you of that, you discon- 
 tented blockheads, hey ? " 
 
 " Silver forks ! " said the tenants ; " we never saw 
 any in the whole course of our lives; and, for the 
 matter of that, we don't care what sort of forks we 
 have if you will only allow us enough to eat." 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. ' 141 
 
 " Body o' me ! " said the squire, " what a set of 
 blockheads ! " 
 
 Then the corporal came to cracking the eggs ; the 
 squire again rubbed his hands, and cried out — 
 
 " There, boys, there ! What think you of that, 
 hey?" 
 
 " We avent heaten hany heggs these ten years. 
 They hall go to the parson and the landlord," replied 
 they. 
 
 " Hum ! " said the squire. 
 
 But when the corporal came to the beefsteaks, they 
 all cried out in astonishment — 
 
 " Beefsteaks as big as newspapers ! Come, boys, 
 let's be off." And away they scampered, shouting — 
 
 " Huzza for Brother Jonathan and his big beef- 
 steaks ! " 
 
 The squire looked askance at the corporal, and the 
 corporal at the squire. 
 
 " Corporal," quoth John, " either I'm a numskull or 
 my tenants are the greatest blockheads in existence." 
 
 " That's as clear as preaching," quoth the corporal ; 
 and away he went to take possession of his office. 
 
 CHAPTER XXXIX. 
 
 How Brother Jonathan got out of patience sometimes with the Squire, and 
 scolded back again pretty handsomely. 
 
 / When Jonathan, who never failed to buy all the 
 •books put forth by these rogues, for he had a great 
 curiosity to hear what other folks said of him — when 
 
142 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 Jonathan, I say, saw how John Bull had clapper- 
 clawed his character, he got out of aU patience, and 
 would often exclaim — 
 
 " I'll be darned if this old father of mine isn't a 
 little too bad by half. Here he is palavering me every 
 day of his life, and teUing me he wants to be friends ; 
 and yet he does nothing but get his plaguy school- 
 masters and old women to abuse me like a pick-pocket. 
 I'll be switched if I don't be even with him, or my 
 name isn't Jonathan." 
 
 And then he fell to work, putting it into the squire 
 pretty handsomely, swearing he was the biggest liar 
 that ever broke bread, and contradicting all John said 
 of him, with such zeal that he sometimes denied what, 
 to my mind, was very much to his credit. 
 
 /The truth is, that Jonathan, who had now grown to 
 pe pretty much of a man, and carried his head some- 
 thing high in the neighbourhood, though a fine, vigor- 
 ous, weU-looking young dog as ever was seen, and 
 withal a shrewd, sensible, high-spirited fellow, had a 
 bad habit of imitating Squire BuU in almost every 
 thing he did, whether good, bad, or indifferent. It 
 was enough for him that John Bull did this, and said 
 that — that he dressed after such and such a fashion, 
 and held such and such opinions — he was pretty sure 
 to talk, and think, and dress, and do every thing, just 
 like the squire, without once reflecting that what might 
 be well enough for an old superannuated fellow like 
 BuU, was the last thing becoming in a sprightly, vigo- 
 rous, springall, who never took a dose of physic in 
 his life, and could jump over a six-rail fence without 
 touching. All this never once came into his head; 
 and indeed it was natural enough that he should take 
 
BROTHER JONATHAN. 143 
 
 after his old dad, though, to say truth, he never re- 
 ceived much kindness at his hands, and owed himy 
 more for kicks than coppers. 
 
 ^ut, I must say, I shoidd have liked Jonathan much 
 better had he made use of his own gumption in these 
 Aiatters, and not aped the old squire in all his foUies, 
 at the same time he was bragging that he didn't care 
 a brass farthing for him or his opinions. I always 
 thought it showed a want of spirit in Jonathan, for 
 whose good name I would at any time lay down my 
 life, seeing I owe aU I have in the world to his liber- 
 aKty and kindness as a~Ian3Ioif3^ inie~couU only 
 get~over11iis disgraceful foible, and have an opinion 
 of his own, he would be thought much better of by 
 all his neighbours. But he was always setting him- 
 self up for a fine gentleman, forsooth, and tacking 
 Squire or Honourable to his name, instead of passing 
 for an honest and independent farmer, as in reality 
 he was. 
 
 Be this as it may, Jonathan paid the squire back as 
 good as he sent, and called him as many hard names 
 as John called him, which indeed was somewhat ex- 
 cusable, as the squire always began first, and, if he 
 had held his tongue, everybody might have thought 
 all Bull said of him was gospel. It was almost a 
 pity to see such near relations, each of whom had a 
 great many good points about him, cutting at one 
 another at such a cruel rate ; and yet one could not 
 help laughing to see John Bull, who ten times a day 
 called Jonathan a lying, cheating, spitting, gouging, 
 guessing, drinking, republican sinner, complaining of 
 him for an ungrateful rascal, because he did not love 
 his daddy. " Did I not beget the villain with my own 
 
144 JOHN BULL AND 
 
 hand ? " would he say ; " and did I not physic him with 
 a dose of patent medicine, made up of thirty-nine 
 excellent articles, each one enough to cure a saint? 
 and did I not pay special attention to his safety when 
 I he got to be big enough to take care of himself? and 
 ; didn't I, out of pure fatherly affection, keep him short 
 of pocket-money, that he might not run into mischief? 
 ;and didn't I allow him to set up for himself when I 
 i couldn't help it ? and don't I every day of my life act 
 the part of a kind parent, by telling the upstart young 
 ^uppy of his faults, as in duty bound ? and didn't I 
 beget him ? Let him answer me that, the good-for- 
 nothing, drinking, cheating, spitting, gouging, guess- 
 ing, fighting, talking, bragging, disobedient, ungrate- 
 ful young varlet ! " 
 
 The squire forgot that Jonathan had too much of 
 the Bull blood in him to play the spaniel, and crouch 
 the more, the more you kicked him. He might be 
 coaxed by kindness to lick your hand, but it would 
 have taken even a stouter fellow than the squire, who 
 was no chicken, to frighten or beat him into it. 
 
 In this situation were the affairs of Squire Bull 
 and Brother Jonathan, the last I heard of them. Now 
 and then they were mighty civil, and sometimes, when 
 the old squire was in a rare good-humour, he would 
 boast that never man had such a lusty, swaggering 
 boy as Jonathan ; and occasionally Jonathan would • 
 almost believe the old man had forgiven him. But 
 before the civil words were well out of John's mouth, 
 his old habit would come over him, as it were in 
 spite of his teeth, of which, to be sure, he hadn't any 
 to spare ; and then, phew !, Jonathan got the old grist 
 about his ears, and became again a spitting, guessing, 
 
BEOTHEE JONATHAN. 145 
 
 gouging, cheating, bragging, cowardly, ill-bred, ill- 
 begotten, ill-favoured, ungrateful, rebellious Yankee 
 Doodle rascal. 
 
 All the while the neighbours stood looking on, 
 laughing to see them pulling one another to pieces in 
 this way, while the more sensible sort shook their 
 heads, and observed that Squieb Bull and Brother 
 Jonathan weee too much alike btee to be eight- 
 down GOOD FEIENDS. 
 
 10 
 
JOH]S" BULL IN AMERICA; 
 
 OK, 
 
 THE NEW MUNCHAUSEN. 
 
INTRODUCTION 
 
 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Ik 1825, thirteen years after the first publication of " John 
 Bull and Brother Jonathan", Mr. Paulding brought out 
 " John Bull in America ; or, The New Munchausen ". This 
 is an example of his rapidity of composition, it having been 
 written (as he states in a letter to Irving) in three weeks' 
 time, and in the midst of serious distraction. It is a bur- 
 lesque of the rabble of English travellers in this country; 
 but, high as is the coloring, no person who has not waded 
 through a certain amount of the trash in question can esti- 
 mate how little of a caricature it is, nor how richly the good- 
 humored castigation was deserved. 
 
 It is perhaps worth while to give an idea of the sort of 
 matter that Mr. Paulding exaggerates. But there is such a 
 wealth of absurdity in the English Travels and Periodicals 
 of the early part of this century when treating of these 
 United States, that I scarcely know where to begin my quo- 
 tations. However, I will strike at random, and open with one 
 Thomas Ashe, Esquire, or Captain Ashe, as he is sometimes 
 styled, who " performed " or pretended to have " performed " 
 some " Travels in America", in 1806. Mr. Paulding, in his 
 " Sketch of Old England, by a New England man", intimates 
 
 [149] 
 
150 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 that Ashe cooked up his tour at home, without having visited 
 this country ; while Mr. Henry T. Tuckerman, (who, in his 
 " America and her Commentators ", has made a specialty of 
 this branch of inquiry), seems to accept it as in good faith. 
 In a review in The North American, Vol. XIX., attributed 
 to Edward Everett, he is styled "the swindler, Ashe". 
 Whether he was ever here or not, there appeared in London, 
 in 1808, a book of travels by Captain Thomas Ashe. There 
 were, says Mr. Tuckerman, three volumes of the English 
 edition. A Newburyport reprint of the same year, in one 
 volume, in which the work is credited to " Thomas Ashe, 
 Esq.", is now before me. It is in the shape of letters. The 
 italics in the extracts I make are the author's, and the punctu- 
 ation is as printed. 
 
 In the first two pages he effectually does the business of 
 the whole American people and their country : — 
 
 " The American States through which I have passed, are 
 unworthy of your observation. Those to the north-east are 
 indebted to nature for but few gifts : they are better adapted 
 for the business of grazing than for com. The climate is: 
 equally subject to the two extremes of burning heat and ex- 
 cessive cold ; and bigotry, pride, and a malignant hatred to 
 the mother country, characterize the inhabitants. The mid- 
 dle States are less contemptible : they produce grain for 
 exportation ; but wheat requires much labour, and is liable 
 to blast on the sea-shore. The national features here are not 
 strong, and those of different emigrants have not yet composed 
 a face of local deformity : we still see the liberal English, the 
 ostentatious Scotch, the warm-hearted Irish, the penurious 
 Diltch, the proud German, the solemn Spaniard, the gaudy 
 Italian, and the profligate French. What kind of character 
 is hereafter to arise from an amalgamation of such discord- 
 ant materials, I am at a loss to conjecture. 
 
 " For the southern States, nature has done much, but man 
 little. Society is here in a shameful degeneracy ; an addi- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 151 
 
 tional proof of the pernicious tendency of those detestable 
 principles of political licentiousness, wMch are not only ad- 
 verse to the enjoyment of practical liberty, and to the exist- 
 ence of regular authority, but destructive also of comfort and 
 security in every class of society ; doctrines here, found by 
 experience, to make men turbulent citizens, abandoned Chris- 
 tians, inconstant husbands, unnatural fathers, and treacherous 
 friends. I shun the humiliating delineation, and turn my 
 thoughts to happier regions which afford contemplation with- 
 out disgust;" &c. — Letter i. pp. 11-12. 
 
 At Pittsburg he meets with some little relief to his 
 harassed feelings : — 
 
 " The principal inhabitants of Pittsburg are Irish, or of 
 Irish origin ; this accounts for the commercial spirit of the 
 place, and the good-breeding and hospitality which in general 
 
 prevail throughout it The influence of these and 
 
 many other gentlemen of similar sentiments, is very favour- 
 able to the town ; and has hindered the vicious propensities 
 of the genuine American character, from establishing here 
 the horrid dominion which they have assumed over the At- 
 lantic States." — Letter hi. p. 26. 
 
 He discusses American statesmen : — - 
 
 " There are in America no real politicians ; the speeches 
 you see in papers are made by Irish and Scotch journalists, 
 who attend the Congress and Senate merely to take the spirit 
 of their proceedings and clothe it with a language interesting 
 to read." — Letter vii. p. 65, 
 
 At Wheeling he sups full of horrors, and is " stuffed " con- 
 siderably by various parties. He gives a graphic account of 
 a rough-and-tumble fight between a " Kentuckyan " and a 
 "Virginian", in which all forms of mayhem play a conspicu- 
 ous part ; and, on applying to a " quaier friend " with whom 
 he, diues, receives this cold comfort : — 
 
152 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 " As to the savage practice of fighting in the manner of 
 wild beasts, my host entertained no hopes whatever of ever 
 seeing it put down. It might be called a national taste, 
 which the laws appeared afraid to violate ; and therefore it 
 reared its head above authority. Few nights elapsed with- 
 out the exhibition of this new gymnastic; few mornings 
 appeared that did not bring to day a friend or acquaintance 
 with the loss of an eye, or the mutilation of half his features. 
 Alarmed at this account, I asked whether this kind of con- 
 duct spread down the river." 
 
 The quaker friend gives him rather a blue look ahead : — 
 
 " I again demanded how a stranger was to distinguish a 
 good from a vicious house of entertainment ? I was answered, 
 by previous inquiry, or, if that was impracticable, a tolerable 
 judgment could be formed, from observing in the landlord, 
 a possession, or an absence of ears : many of the proprietors 
 of small inns being men who had left those members nailed 
 to certain penitential market crosses in Maryland, Pennsyl- 
 vania, and the Carolinas, in lieu of certain horses and cattle 
 of which they had from time to time become the illegal own- 
 ers. Furnished with these useful instructions, I left my kind 
 entertainer, and retired to my inn with a view of passing a 
 peaceable night. It was not so ordained." — Letter xi. pp. 
 96-100. 
 
 For why ? Because there is a ball that night in the tav- 
 ern, and, of course, a row. He gets up to see what the diffi- 
 culty is. It is soon composed, the fight being transferred to 
 out of doors. 
 
 " Though it was by this time far advanced in the night, 
 and I felt no disposition to retire to rest ; my mind was too 
 much agitated and full, to benefit by a too sudden, or forced 
 repose ; and I preferred the conversation of mine host one 
 half-hour longer. It turned on the events of the day, and 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 153 
 
 the evening amusement. He very candidly admitted all I 
 said in favour of more civilized recreations ; and even went 
 so far as to tell me a variety of anecdotes, wHch from a re- 
 spect for human nature, I suppress." 
 
 He however narrates a story told and described by the 
 landlord as " out of the common, and rather of a melancholy 
 kind." The landlord is pathetic. 
 
 " I could hear no more, the Virginian himself was moved. 
 I ordered a light, and gaining my chamber cast myself on a 
 bed to rest : yet not before I cursed the ferocity of manners 
 which reigns in this place, and which caused the eternal 
 wretchedness and misery of an object so amiable and instruct- 
 ing as my landlord's Maria. It is intolerable. It is infamous. 
 Farewell, you can account for my abrupt conclusion." — 
 Letter xi. pp. 101-102. 
 
 Of course. As Yellowplush expresses it, his " feelinx " 
 were too much for him. 
 
 In Letter xx., p. 186., and elsewhere, he is much dis- 
 gusted with " great barrens, swamps, wildernesses, and cane- 
 breaks," (so he spells the word), "pregnant with putridity 
 and disease." They must have been bold fellows who ven- 
 tured to this " land of promise " after reading that. 
 
 At Paris, Kentucky, he is much affronted by a landlady 
 who gives him a much better breakfast than he wants, for 
 which and the morning feed of his horse she charges him, as 
 far as can be made out from his account, twenty-five cents. 
 
 " I asked her what was to pay, and cast a dollar upon the- 
 table, enraged at the low state of some minds, their attach- 
 ment to wrong, and determination to persist in evil and dull' 
 habits, which they know to be adverse to their prosperity and 
 improvement." — Lbttee xx. p. 190. 
 
 He compliments the ladies of Lexington, Kentucky, — 
 after a fashion. 
 
154 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 "The women are fair and florid — many of them might 
 be considered as rude beauties, but none of them have any 
 pretensions to that chaste and elegant form of person and 
 countenance which distinguish our countrywomen and other 
 ladies of Europe. The absence of that irresistible grace and 
 expression may be attributed to their distance from improved 
 society, and to the savage taste and vulgarity of the men.'' 
 — Letter xxi. p. 192. 
 
 Thomas Ashe, Esquire, now descends the Ohio and Missis- 
 sippi rivers, meeting on the way with some astounding adven- 
 tures not to the present purpose, and closes his account of 
 the country in letter xlii., from New Orleans, in rather an 
 unexpected way, not favouring us with a resumd of his obser- 
 vations and deductions. Perhaps it may fairly be assumed 
 that he considers that he has settled us in the beginning. 
 
 Richard Parkinson, author of the " Experienced Farmer ", 
 and " late of Orange Hill, near Baltimore ", published two 
 volumes in London, in 1805, under the title of "A Tour in 
 America in 1798, 1799, and 1800, exhibiting sketches of 
 Society and Manners, and a particular account of the Ameri- 
 can system of Agriculture, with its recent improvements." 
 
 In his " Introduction " he states that he came over the sea 
 with the intention of renting a portion of General Washing- 
 ton's land, and " speculated ", i.e. expected, " to make a rapid 
 fortune " ; but — finding that the General's soil produced only 
 " two to three bushels of wheat per acre '', and discovering 
 (Tour, p. 52.) "no stem [of oats] with more than four grains, 
 and these of a very light and bad quality, such as I had 
 never seen before : the longest straw was of about twelve 
 inches " — he very naturally, " as money was my object ", was 
 rather disappointed, and " found myself compelled to treat 
 him [the General] -with a great deal of frankness.'' Per- 
 haps he talked to him, as the farce has it, " hke a father ". 
 
 "The General .... seemed at first not to be pleased 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 155 
 
 with my conversation"; but, when he had left the room, 
 Colonel Lear who had been present "did me the honour 
 to say I was the only man he ever knew to treat General 
 "Washington with frankness." I presume if for frankness we 
 read impertinence we shall get something like the truth. 
 
 On page 15. of Tour he says, " I take up my pen, therefbre, 
 to write the following pages, free from all unfounded preju- 
 dices against America" ; but on page 16. he makes the broad 
 assertion — "notwithstanding the low price at which the 
 American lands are sold, the poverty of the soil is such, as to 
 make it not to pay for labour " ; — and, on page 26 : — " The 
 produce is so small and the expense so great, that I never 
 saw any land worth having in America ". 
 
 On his way up the Potomac he is invited to dinner by a 
 Mr. Grimes, who treats him very civilly and returns him 
 safely to his vessel. " After Mr. Grimes was gone, the pilot 
 on board the ship said, ' Sir, you have come off very well 
 with your friend Grimes ; you have got back alive : he some- 
 times shoots his friends when they do not please him.' I 
 found this to be true," &c. Tour. pp. 46-52. One would 
 think it had been Hop-o'-my-thumb visiting an ogre. 
 
 On arriving at Mount Vernon, Washington being absent, 
 Mr. Parkinson becomes forthwith very thick with the steward, 
 who " even told me many unpleasant tales of the General", 
 &c. — Tour. p. 53. 
 
 This wiU do for Parkinson. His work, besides being 
 amusing reading in itself, is the more so in the copy which I 
 have examined from its having been perused, (probably on 
 the first appearance of the book), by some outraged patriot, 
 and by him plentifully annotated in the margin with " False " 
 — « A lie " — " Not probable " — « fool ! " — &c. 
 
 It may be observed here that the main purpose of most of 
 these writers at that time, as is sometimes distinctly stated, is 
 to deter emigrants from coming to this country. With the 
 
156 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 intention of furthering this object a volume was published in 
 London, in 1823., styled "Memorable Days in America: 
 being a Journal of a Tour to the United States, principally 
 undertaken to ascertain, by positive evidence, the condition 
 and probable prospects of British Emigrants ; including 
 accounts of Mr. Birkbeck's Settlement in the Illinois : and 
 intended to show men and things as they are in America. 
 By W. Faux, an English Farmer." 
 
 The title, dedication, and preface, are all designed to con- 
 vey the assurance that he has dealt entirely in " plain delinea- 
 tions ... — Pictures from life — Things as they are." As 
 before, in the quotations I make, the italics, &c., are taken 
 from the writer. 
 
 Having made up his mind that in all probability he never 
 will return home, vainly endeavored to insure his life, and 
 purchased from a physician a double-barrelled prescription 
 " fit for both land and sea ", something like the balsam of 
 Fierabras (but much dearer), he sets sail ; and, before he 
 gets off the coast of England, picks up an item of informa- 
 tion which he forthwith stows away for the benefit of the 
 British public. "Navigators up the Mississippi river, fre- 
 quently steal from 10 to 20 sheep at once from the farmers, 
 and think it no crime ; it being more convenient to steal than 
 to buy." — p. 8. This, be it remembered, in 1819. 
 
 His style is enough to provoke a burlesque. 
 
 "We are off those beautiful "Western isles, the Azores, 
 abounding with herbs, grapes, wine, oil, and earthquakes.'' — 
 p. 12. "I now sleep in high style every night,'' [aboard 
 ship], " having under my pillow a bottle of Madeira and a 
 basket of China sweetmeats; at my side nine muskets and 
 a huge broad-sword ; and underneath me a magazine of gun- 
 powder and balls." — p. 20. 
 
 On Sunday, April 19th, 1819, he encounters — poor man! 
 — "blue forked lightning", and "loud-sounding, crackling, 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 157 
 
 rattling, crashing thunder, presenting a scene more sublimely 
 horrific than any I had ever seen ; the lightning might almost 
 be handled, being what our captain calls 'double-twisted 
 ropy.'" — p. 39. 
 
 In April, 1819, when nearing the American coast, he sees 
 " several fat Yankee ducks and geese ", p. 25 ; and finds Bos- 
 ton " highly interesting, especially when associated with the 
 recollection of its having fought so bravely for liberty, and 
 preferred it to English tea, sweetened with taxation, and the 
 milk of maternal monarchy." — p. 28. 
 
 In the matter of our colored fellow-citizens he hits right 
 and left, North and South. 
 
 " It is no unusual thing for some of the people of this coun- 
 try," [Boston, and New England in general], " on going to 
 Charleston, to take their free negroes with them and sell them 
 for slaves, by way of turning a penny, or as they say, of making 
 a good spec of it. Two white gentlemen, I was told, deter- 
 mined on a plan to benefit themselves, and cheat the planter, or 
 slave buyer ; one blackened his face and body and became a 
 negro ; the other was his owner and salesman, and sold his 
 friend to the planter for 800 dollars, but in less than three 
 days he returned, a white free-man again, to divide the spoil, 
 nor was the imposition ever discovered to prosecution." — p. 37. 
 Wooden nutmegs must have hid their diminished heads. In 
 Virginia " three or four slaves are wantonly shot and buried 
 at once, when not useful nor marketable. But all this sel- 
 dom excites any notice ". — p. 127. "A gentleman of Wash- 
 ington, too kind-hearted to whip his house-negroes himself, 
 leaves it to his wife, a fashionable, beautiful female, holding, 
 and going to levees, yet able to cow-hide her negroes, whose 
 screams, under the lash, scare Mrs. Little and family. A cow- 
 hide is no uncommon appendage of ladies here ! " — p. 387. 
 
 He has some experiences at Charleston, South Carolina. 
 
 " May Ist. This morning presented a poor fellow lying all 
 
158 INTRODTJCTION TO 
 
 night until nine, A.M. in the street, in a hot, broiling sun, 110° 
 by the thermometer. He was found nearly murdered, hav- 
 ing his legs both broken, and otherwise terribly bruised about 
 his head and breast, and robbed of all he had, 15 dollars. 
 To the disgrace of the nightly watch and city centinels, and 
 to the open day humanity of the citizens, here was he suf- 
 fered to lie, saturated with pestilential dew, and, in the day, 
 left to roast and be devoured by flies, until an old Prussian 
 colonel offered a dollar to have him removed as a nuisance, 
 too disgusting to delicate nerves and sensibilities." — p. 45. 
 
 At his hotel he makes acquaintance with a certain colonel, 
 (native, this time), who describes himself as "a blasted lily 
 and a blighted heath ". 
 
 " This young gentleman, naturally witty and highly gifted, 
 has married and abandoned three wives, and yet is only 22 
 years of age." — p. 48. 
 
 Now for his dicta on the subject of American integrity, or, 
 rather, the lack of it. 
 
 "It is the pride and pleasure of Americans to get into 
 debt, and then by avoiding payment, show how adroitly they 
 can cheat and wrong each other. Few look upon knavery 
 with disgust, but rather with a smile of approbation." — p. 106. 
 Quoting a Mr. Lidiard, an English friend, he says : " Liberty 
 here means to do each as he pleases ; to care for nothing and 
 nobody, and cheat everybody." — p. 1 94. " Two selfish gods, 
 Pleasure and Gain, enslave the Americans. The scum of all 
 the earth is drifted here." — p. 417. 
 
 His social prejudices are offended. 
 
 " Certain approaches to something like equality, and con- 
 sequent familiarity of the rich with the poor, both of which 
 classes profess to be no respecters of persons, generate a man- 
 ner highly repelling to the aristocratical feelings of the well- 
 bred English." — p. 116. « The traveller, who must necessarily 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 159 
 
 t)ften mix with the very dregs of society in this country, 
 Bhonld be prepared with plain clothes, or the dress of a me- 
 chanic ; a gentlemanly appearance only exciting unfriendly 
 or curious feelings, which defeat his object, and make his 
 superiority painful." — p. 202. 
 
 November 17, 1819, he is shocked: — 
 
 " A young lady cleaning knives ! How horrid ! ! " — 
 p. 261, 
 
 Every thing is going backward in the country. 
 
 " This is impossible,'' [i.e. to preserve civilized habits], 
 " all barbarize here.'' — p. 246. " Men, systematically unprin- 
 cipled, and in whom the moral sense seems to have no exist- 
 ence : this is the lot of all coming here." — p. 331. " The soil 
 here is unfit for man, and for an Englishman particularly. 
 Both mind and body barbarize and degenerate." — p. 389. He 
 quotes a Mr. Perry : — "It was by mere accident that 
 they ever had a constitution ; it came not from wise choice or 
 preference. In England only, exists such a preference and 
 real love of liberty. . . . America, you see, is retrograding 
 
 and quite unable of herself to achieve any thing grand 
 
 Almost all Americans are boys in every thing but vice and 
 folly." — p. 126. He speaks in his own person: — "They 
 know nothing of the nature of liberty, nor want to know. 
 Law, justice, equity, liberty, are things unknown amongst 
 them. In England, there is a good sound core, and seed that 
 must always vegetate ; here, all is rottenness." — p. 432. 
 
 in one instance, he forgets himself. Having encountered 
 an English family known to him at home, he says : — 
 
 " The greatly needed hospitality and kindness which they 
 met with, in passing down the river, in a pennyless condition, 
 are highly honourable to this good poor man's country.'' — 
 p. 308. 
 
 He is hard on the judiciary* 
 
160 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 " Judge Waggoner, who is a notorious hog-stealer," &c. — 
 p. 318. " I called to warm at Judge Eussell's, who makes his 
 own shoes, in a one-room log-hole. ... I met and spoke, ten 
 miles off, with two hog-jobbmg judges" — &c. — p. 332. 
 
 Here is a pleasing specification of national customs. Near 
 Zainsville, [? Ohio], he fraternizes with Mr. Chichester, a 
 polished, gay, and interesting American gentleman," p. 177., 
 who gives him the benefit of his experience. 
 
 "I knew a party of whites who last year in Kentucky 
 roasted to death, before a large log fire, one of their friends 
 because he refused to drink. They did it thus : — Three or 
 four of them shoved and held him up to the fire until they 
 themselves could stand it no longer ; and he died in 20 hours 
 after. No legal inquiry took place, nor, indeed, ever takes 
 place among Rowdies, as the Back-woodsmen are called." — 
 p. 179. Mr. Lidiard has sensible views. " And again, I tell 
 the gentlemen, that if I wished to be social and get drunk 
 with them, I dare not; for they would take the liberty to 
 scratch me like a tiger, and gouge, and dirk me. I cannot 
 part with my nose and eyes." — p. 194. 
 
 He picks up a variety of odd items in the national capital. 
 
 " Gouging still flourishes. His excellency, Mr. Monroe, 
 while a young man, constantly kept his hair closely shorn, in 
 order that his head might be less exposed to this brutal prac- 
 tice." — p. 108. He asserts that, in Georgetown, D. C, — 
 " Almost every private family chariot in this city is found 
 daily on the stand as a hackney coach for hire, to either 
 whites or blacks ; to all who can pay." — p. 112. " The Hon. 
 T. Law brought, it is said, half a million sterling with him 
 to this country, but has lost two-thirds of it. He married 
 the niece of General Washington, the most beautiful lady in 
 Virginia; and, at her uncle's request, Mr. Law settled on 
 her, in case they parted, 15,000 dollars a year. The event, 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 161 
 
 which seemed thus to be anticipated, soon after occurred ; " 
 &c, — p. 390. 
 
 Here is the summary of his observations. 
 
 "August — 16th. Picture of the condition of the Ameri- 
 can people, agricultural and otherwise. Low ease; a little 
 avoidable want, but no dread of any want ; little or no indus- 
 try ; little or no real capital, nor any effort to create any ; no 
 struggling, no luxury, and, perhaps, nothing like satisfaction 
 or happiness ; no real relish of life ; Kving like store pigs in 
 a wood, or fattening pigs in a stye. All their knowledge is 
 confined to a newspaper, which they all love, and consists in 
 knowing their natural, and some political rights, which rights 
 in themselves they respect individually, but often violate 
 towards others, being cold, selfish, gloomy, inert, and with but 
 little or no feeling." — p. 125. 
 
 And now for a quotation from "the celebrated Francis 
 Guy ", whoever he may have been. 
 
 " There is, indeed, a something in a real upright and 
 downright honest John Bull, that cannot be found in the sly, 
 say-nothing, smiling, deep speculating, money-hunting Jona- 
 thans of this all-men-are-born-equally-free-and-independent, 
 negro-driving, cow-skin republic." 
 
 Again, F. G. makes a fine enumeration of American mis- 
 deeds and horrors : — 
 
 "Man stealing, mail robberies, piracy, murders, thefts,, 
 swindling, forgeries, lying, cheating, slavery, whips, gags, 
 chains, and all the black catalogue of monstrous iUs ", &c. — 
 p. 427. 
 
 Coming to the close of his book, after all his denuncia- 
 tions Faux assumes a fraternal tone; — "Let both countries 
 wisely learn to think correctly of their several governments, 
 and kindly of each other '', p. 486. : and winds up, p. 487., by 
 giving some hygienic instructions through observance of which 
 
 11 
 
162 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 it may be possible to retain one's health even in the terrible 
 climate of America at large. 
 
 I have quoted from the scribbler last named, I fear to a 
 wearisome extent. But I had reasons for doing so. Mr. 
 Faux I take to have been as fine a specimen as could readily 
 be found of the unadulterated commonplace middle-class Eng- 
 lishman of his day. He is, even for an English traveller, 
 remarkably incoherent and preposterous. There is a richness 
 and variety of misunderstanding and misrepresentation in him 
 that is surprising. In fact he is quite a mine, and as such 
 the author of " John Bull in America " has worked him ; for 
 he is noticeable as having supplied much of the crude ore of 
 the burlesque. He also gave rise to the review in No. 58. 
 of " The Quarterly ", which excited Mr. Paulding's spleen, 
 and which is so ludicrously referred to as he goes along. In 
 addition, Mr. Faux had in his book alluded to our author in 
 the following terms : — "A sinecure, or something in the 
 nature of one, is held by Joseph Paulding, Esq. of Washing- 
 ton. The holder of this situation is enjoined to write in 
 defence of the American character and government, and at 
 the same time to vilify the British." — p. 397. There may 
 then have been some little personal feeling in the roasting of 
 the offender. 
 
 Faux also had something impertinent to say of Mr. Ed- 
 ward Everett, who, subsequently, among articles overhauling 
 various works of the kind, devoted one to this book and the 
 English reviewer thereof. Mr. Everett appears to have been 
 somewhat annoyed ; for, in " The North American '', he char- 
 acterizes Faux as an " itinerant miscreant ", [Vol. XIX. 
 p. 116.], and says further : — " If, again, it should seem incred- 
 ible, that a person so low as Mr. Faux, should have found 
 admission, on any occasion, in this country, to the houses and 
 tables of respectable individuals, we beg to suggest, that, as 
 his doing so often depends on his own word, no credit whafr 
 ever is to be given to it. We have personal knowledge, that 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 163 
 
 he can speak as if familiarly acquainted with an individual, 
 who never heard of his name, till it appeared on the title 
 page of his book." — [p. 124.] 
 
 But Mr. Everett does not waste himself on Faux. He 
 charges the objectionable article in The Quarterly on Mr. Gif- 
 ford, personally, and not simply as responsible editor [p. 94.] ; 
 and not only effectually dissects the absurdities and unveils 
 the absolute and palpable falsehoods of the travelled varlet, 
 but also exposes the disingenuousness, culpable carelessness, 
 and falsification of the reviewer. He holds Gifford responsi- 
 ble for nothing less than national defamation ; and with much 
 reason : for it would seem impossible that an educated Eng- 
 lishman could have believed in the truth of ^those statements 
 of Faux which he quotes as authority. 
 
 The article in The Quarterly — No. 58. July, 1823. — as 
 appears from the statement in a note by Mr. Paulding to 
 "The Preface of the Editor to the first edition" of "John 
 Bull in America ", was thrown out of the American republi- 
 cation. It is conceived and executed in the common swash- 
 buckler spirit and style of the British reviews of that day, 
 when discoursing anent America. The author swallows every- 
 thing Faux says or intimates on his own authority or that of 
 others, and then makes the strangest deductions. Sometimes 
 indeed he construes strong innuendo into absolute assertion. 
 
 He puts one in mind on the whole, (considering his indus- 
 try, his evident relish of morsels, and his implied superiority), 
 of the verse of Mother Goose : — 
 
 " Little Jack Horner, he sat in a comer, 
 Eating his Christmas pie; 
 He put in his thumb, and he pulled out a plum — 
 0, what a smart boy am I ! " 
 
 Tremendous epithets and nouns substantive, — such as " pros- 
 titute rhapsody ",. " radical trash ", " flippant farrago of im- 
 piety, malevolence and foUy", "insane drivelling", "filthy 
 and ragged licentiousness", "squatters, rowdies, dirkers, 
 
164 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 gougers, and riflers " — fly about in an alarming way. And 
 yet they would seem to be inadequate to the need. Accord- 
 ing to The Quarterly, the plagues of Egypt were as nothing 
 compared to those which had befallen America ; and the re- 
 viewer can see no good thing in the country, the people, or 
 their institutions. 
 
 It were idle at the present day to analyze the article. I 
 shall only, by way of sample, quote a dictum, prophecy, and 
 warning appeal, with which it winds up, and which read oddly 
 enough now. 
 
 " The want of an established national religion has made 
 the bulk of the people either infidels or fanatics." — p. 369. 
 " Long ages must pass away before the population, now 
 thinly spread over the immense vale of the Mississippi, will 
 become sufficiently dense to render any part of it a desirable 
 habitation for civilized beings ; before markets are estab- 
 lished; places of religious worship built; schools for the edu- 
 cation of youth instituted ; slavery abolished ; laws and justice 
 duly administered ; the forests and cane-brakes cleared away ; 
 the dismal cypress-swamps drained; the rotten bottoms and 
 rank prairies reclaimed from their stagnant and putrid water ; 
 — then, and not till then, (and much will still remain to do), 
 can the present race of emigrants, however sanguine, con- 
 template even the future happy condition of their descend- 
 ants. In their days, or in their sons' sons' days, little 
 amelioration is to be looked for." — p. 368. "We there- 
 fore most earnestly entreat .... them" [intending emi- 
 grants] "to pause, and carefully to peruse the journal of 
 Farmer Faux, who not only gives his own opinion, but also 
 the opinions of many who, from long experience, are better 
 qualified to judge correctly on the subject." — p. 370. 
 
 And further The Quarterly sayeth not — at that time. 
 But it, and the other noted English periodicals, piped pretty 
 continuously to much the same tune. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 165 
 
 With such material to work with, our author found it easy 
 to place the wandering and reviewing Bull in a ridiculous 
 light. The embarrassment really besetting him is adverted 
 to in a notice of his book to be found in The Atlantic Maga- 
 zine, of March, 1825 — Vol. II. p. 393. "After the sanc- 
 tion given by the Quarterly to Faux's Mirabilia, it is obvious 
 that no burlesque could be too extravagant. On the con- 
 trary, the difficulty is, that the marvels related by that ' liar 
 of the first magnitude ' are so much in the ' Ercles ' vein, that 
 it is difficult to mount into a higher region of hyperbole." 
 This is the truth. Rank caricature as the book now seems, 
 whoever looks into the matter can yet clearly perceive its 
 justification. This once admitted, one can not help being 
 amused at the felicitous style in which the fellows of the 
 long-bow are shown up. Even the abrupt and inconsequent 
 manner in which the production ends is characteristic of these 
 spoilers of paper. 
 
 I have not attempted to trace the various allusions to 
 travels and travellers which Mr. Paulding has embroidered 
 upon the groundwork of " No. 58". It is well, however, for 
 the reader to remember that these people and their publica- 
 tions were important in their day ; for there existed among 
 us at the period a sensitiveness as to English opinion, which, 
 happily, no longer prevails to anything like the same extent. 
 
 This sensitiveness was certainly not allowed to sleep. Mr. 
 Tuckerman briefly sums up the whole business. " There 
 was, indeed, from the close of the war of 1812, for a series of 
 years, an inundation of English books of travel, wherein the 
 United States, their people and prospects, were discussed 
 with a monotonous recapitulation of objections, a superficial 
 knowledge, and a predetermined depreciation, which render 
 the task of analyzing their contents and estimating their com- 
 parative merit in the highest degree wearisome. Redeemed, 
 in some instances, by piquant anecdote, interesting adventure, 
 or some grace of style or originality of view, they are, for the 
 
166 INTRODUCTION TO 
 
 most part, shallow, egotistical, and more or less repetitions of 
 each other. So systematic and continuous, however, are the 
 tone of abuse and the purpose of disparagement, that the sub- 
 ject claims separate consideration." — Ameeica and hee 
 
 COMMENTATOES, pp. 219-220. 
 
 It remains then to inquire into the causes of this persistent 
 slander. There was a national jealousy, for one thing ; and 
 a desire to prevent emigration for another. These for the 
 solid falsification : as for the rest, after all said and done, 1 
 believe that our own countrymen may thank themselves 
 mainly for the many strange stories told of us by the genuine 
 British traveller. There are, and always have been, many 
 of them to whom " it is meat and drink ... to see a clown " of 
 this sort. They early began to stimulate that appetite for 
 being disgusted or shocked which is so odd a concomitant 
 of the Bull on his peregrinations. Finding his maw so capa- 
 cious, they have supplied him with ample and varied suste- 
 nance, so that he has come at last, in this regard, to make 
 good the eulogy of Polonius on the players, in Hamlet : — 
 " Seneca cannot be too heavy, nor Plautus too light " for him 
 — that is to say, when the matter happens to chime in with 
 his prejudices. 
 
 I desire to express my obligation to Mr. Charles H. Hart 
 of Philadelphia, for note-material furnished; and to Mr. 
 Gulian C. Verplanck, for bringing to bear the memory of a 
 contemporary of our author upon one or two questions which 
 must otherwise have baffled me. 
 
 " The Talking Potato " of the " Preface of the Editor 
 to the first edition" is understood to have been J. Wilson 
 Croker, one of the early regular contributors to The Quar- 
 terly, and an acrimonious and persevering disparager of this 
 country. Of English descent, he was born in Galway, Ire- 
 land, and from 1807 to 1832 was a member of the House of 
 Commons. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 167 
 
 Captain Thomas Hamilton, 29th Regiment E.A., was the 
 author of " Men and Manners in America ", referred to in the 
 " Postscript to the third edition", and there misentitled " Men 
 and Manners in the United States". This book of travels was 
 published in two volumes crown octavo in 1833, and in two 
 volumes duodecimo, at Boston, in 1834 I quote a few re- 
 marks made on each side of the water about it at the time, as 
 given in AUibone's Dictionary of Authors. 
 
 " We cannot but congratulate our countryman on the 
 appearance of his valuable work at the present crisis, when 
 all the ancient institutions of our country are successively 
 melting away under the powerful solvent of democratic fer- 
 vor. . . . He neither views America with the jaundiced eye 
 of a bigoted Tory, nor the frantic partiality of an enthusiastic 
 Democrat. He appreciates things as they really are — noth- 
 ing extenuating, setting down nought in malice." — Black- 
 wood's Magazine. 
 
 " The more Captain Hamilton's book is studied, the stronger 
 will be the reader's conviction of its. merits as a clear and im- 
 partial description of the American people.'' — Dublin Uni- 
 versity Magazine. 
 
 " It is undoubtedly as we have said, in point of literary 
 execution, one of the best that have yet appeared upon the 
 United States. The style is not deficient in strength or spirit, 
 and evinces at times a remarkable power of description, as in 
 the passages on the Falls of Niagara and the river Missis- 
 sippi. On the other hand, it is far from being uniformly so 
 pure and correct as might be wished — is often unpardonably 
 coarse, and is pervaded throughout by an affected pertness 
 and a silly air of pretension, which are offensive from the 
 beginning, and finally become by repetition completely nau- 
 seous. . . . That a spirit of unjust depreciation is the one that 
 predominates in his work, is — as we shall have occasion 
 abundantly to show — very certain." — A. H. Everett. North 
 American Review. 
 
168 UJTEODUCTION TO JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 Some notes were made to " John Bull in America " by the 
 author. Those to the edition of 1837 are distinguished by 
 that date ; those now added, by being included in brackets. 
 
 In conclusion, I have only to observe that Mr. Paulding at 
 the time undoubtedly did a service to his country ; and to 
 England — for his book was appreciated there. A hearty 
 laugh is a capital antidote to bad blood : and there was a 
 good deal of that between the two nations about those years. 
 He adopted the best mode of dealing with this sort of ma- 
 ligner. Indeed, take them by and large, were it worth while, 
 every generation of English travellers in this country might 
 be fairly quizzed in pretty much the same style. With a few 
 respectable exceptions, about the same calibre of mind and the 
 same ludicrous conceit have been brought to bear upon us up 
 to the present hour. It is an unhandsome word to say, 
 belike, but " pity 'tis 'tis true " ; and only the hope remains, 
 that the time may come, when it shall be the cue of these 
 little men to use what little influence they may hereafter have, 
 rather in the interests of good feeling than of detraction. 
 
 W. I. P. 
 
PREFACE OP THE EDITOR 
 
 THE FIRST EDITION. 
 
 On the fifth day of August, 1824, a rather genteel- 
 looking stranger arrived at the Mansion Hotel in the 
 city of Washington, where he inquired for a retired 
 room, and expressed his intention of staying some 
 time. He was dressed in a blue frock, striped vest, 
 and gray pantaloons ; was about five feet ten, as is 
 supposed, and had a nose like a potato. The evening 
 of the following day there arrived in the stage from 
 Baltimore a little mahogany-faced foreigner, a French- 
 man as it would seem, with gold rings in his ears, and 
 a pair of dimity breeches. The little man in dimity 
 breeches expressed great pleasure at meeting the stran- 
 ger, with whom he seemed to be well acquainted ; but 
 the stranger appeared much agitated at the rencounter, 
 and displayed nothing like satisfaction on the occasion. 
 With the evident intention of avoiding the little dark- 
 complexioned man, he, in a few minutes, desired the 
 waiter to show him his room, to which he retired 
 without bidding the other good night. 
 
 [169] 
 
170 PREFACE OP THE EDITOR 
 
 It appears from the testimony of the waiter, that 
 on going into his chamber, and observing a portman- 
 teau which had been placed there in his absence, the 
 stranger inquired to whom it belonged. The waiter 
 replied : " To the French gentleman. As you seemed 
 to be old acquaintance, I thought you would like to 
 be together, sir." This information seemed to cause 
 great agitation in the mind of the stranger, who ex- 
 claimed, as if unconscious of the presence of the wait- 
 er, " I am a lost man ! " — which the waiter thought 
 rather particular. The stranger, after a few moments 
 of apparent perplexity, ordered the waiter to bring him 
 pen, ink, paper, and sealing-wax, and then desired to 
 be left alone. It is recollected that the dark-complex- 
 ioned foreigner retired about ten, requesting to be called 
 up at four o'clock, as he was going on in the stage to 
 the South. This is the last that was seen, of either 
 the stranger or the dark-complexioned foreigner. On 
 knocking at the door precisely at four o'clock the next 
 morning, and no answer being given, the waiter made 
 bold to enter the room, which to his surprise he found 
 entirely empty. Neither baggage, nor stranger, nor 
 dark-complexioned foreigner, was to be found. Had 
 the stranger and his friend previously run up a long 
 score at the Mansion Hotel, their disappearance would 
 not have excited any extraordinary degree of surprise. 
 But the stranger was indebted for only two days' 
 board and lodging, and the dark-complexioned for- 
 eigner had paid his bill over night. A person who 
 slept in the next room, recollected hearing a stir in 
 that of the stranger, as he thinks, about three o'clock, 
 but, supposing it to be some one going off in the mail, 
 it excited no particular observation. 
 
TO THE FIEST EDITION. 171 
 
 This is all that could be gathered in relation to 
 the mysterious disappearance of these two travellers. 
 But on searching about the room a packet was found, 
 carefully sealed, and directed " To the Editor of the 
 
 ; " the rest was wanting, and the omission was 
 
 probably occasioned by some circumstance occurring 
 at the instant, which led to the singular affair above 
 detailed. Some days having elapsed without any 
 thing occuring to throw light on the transaction, it 
 was thought proper to open the packet, the direction 
 of which afforded no clew by which to transmit it 
 to the editor intended, in the hope that something 
 might be learned from it that would lead to a discov- 
 ery of the names, or the friends, of these mysterious 
 persons. On inspection it proved to be a manuscript 
 of travels in the United States, of which the following 
 is a faithful transcript. Though, as the reader will 
 perceive, it explains very satisfactorily the principal 
 portion of the preceding details, there was nothing in 
 it which could lead directly to a discovery of the 
 name and residence of the unfortunate gentleman, 
 whose fate, although stiU enveloped in doubt, is but 
 too easily anticipated. All that appears certain from 
 the manuscript is, that the stranger was an English- 
 man, travelling to New Orleans on business, and that 
 he probably was in some way mysteriously made 
 away with by the little dark-complexioned foreigner, 
 of whom a description has been given, and for whom 
 a reward has been ofTered, in the public papers, with- 
 out effect. His name, as given by himself in the 
 examination before the magistrate in New York, is 
 probably fictitious. 
 
 After mature reflection, it was decided to publish 
 
172 PREPACB OP THE EDITOR 
 
 the manuscript, as the best and cheapest mode of 
 extending the inquiry concerning the identity of this 
 unfortunate stranger to all parts of the reading world, 
 and thereby acquiring further information. In addi- 
 tion to this motive, it was thought that a work of such 
 extraordinary merit as to style, sentiment, and accu- 
 racy of detail, deserved to be made known. Much 
 discussion took place in respect to the selection of a 
 title for the work, which had been omitted in the man- 
 uscript. To announce it simply as a book of travels 
 in America, would have been to place it on a footing 
 with the various romances which have been published 
 under that title within the last thirty years. Of these 
 we have lately had such a profusion that the public 
 is rather tired, as we are informed by the booksel- 
 lers. Some familiar and striking title-page, no matter 
 whether applicable or not to the character of the work, 
 was therefore necessary to excite public attention, and 
 it was finally decided to adopt that which appears, 
 and which we will now proceed to explain. 
 
 The character of these travels being that of severe 
 and inflexible truth, a title was chosen in direct an- 
 tithesis, partly in a sportive imitation of the facetious 
 philosopher Lucian, who gave the name of " A True 
 Story " to one of the most improbable fictions of an- 
 tiquity ; and partly in allusion to Dr. Jonathan Swift,. 
 who in like manner disguised one of the gravest of 
 satires under the mask of " A Tale of a Tub," than 
 which nothing can be more opposite to its real char- 
 acter. Thus have we availed ourselves of the cata- 
 chresis on this occasion, not only for the purpose of 
 agreeably surprising the reader into the perusal of a 
 work of incomparable veracity under the garb of a 
 
TO THE FIRST EDITION. 173 
 
 work of fiction, but also to administer to the public 
 taste, which, owing to the witcheries of that mis- 
 chievous person called the " Great Unknown," hath 
 an unseemly propensity towards romances and the 
 like. 
 
 In this we are justified, not only by the foregoing 
 high authorities, but in an especial manner by the ex- 
 ample of certain great critics, who place at the head 
 of their articles, by way of title-page, the name of a 
 book about which they say not one word in the whole 
 course of their lucubrations. So may we see certain 
 weU-meaning and orthodox writers, publishing what 
 they call " candid examinations," and " cool consider- 
 ations," of and concerning certain disputed points, 
 which, to say the truth, are neither candid nor cool, 
 but marvellously the contrary. We mention not these 
 things in a spirit of hostility, but to justify by their 
 examples our adoption of the figure of the catachresis. 
 The reader will therefore err most egregiously if he 
 supposes for a moment that the following work, what- 
 ever be its title, bears the most remote resemblance to, 
 or is in any wise tainted with, the egregious fictions 
 of the genuine Munchausen. 
 
 Touching the real author of this work, whom 
 we may safely pronounce a second and still greater 
 " Great Unknown," we have our suspicions on the 
 subject, suspicions almost amounting to a certainty, 
 which we shall proceed to lay before the reader. At 
 first, for divers good reasons, we were inclined to sup- 
 pose the author was no less a person than the " Great 
 Unknown" himself, who, as is asserted, resided in 
 America some time. But however rich, redundant, 
 and inexhaustible, may be the invention of this ex- 
 
174 PREFACE OF THE EDITOR 
 
 traordinary incognito, no one, we think, will deny to 
 our author, notwithstanding his general character of 
 severe veracity, a vigour of fancy and a vein of inven- 
 tive sportiveness, vastly superior even to the " Great 
 Unknown." We must therefore discard this sugges- 
 tion, and proceed to put the reader in possession of 
 our settled conviction on this matter, which, as will be 
 seen, amounts to next to a demonstration. 
 
 To come to the point without further circumlocu- 
 tion, we have the best reasons as well as the highest 
 circumstantial testimony to warrant us in the asser- 
 tion, that the author of this work, was, and if living, 
 is still, one of the principal writers of the Quarterly 
 Review — the very person who wrote the masterly re- 
 view of Faux's Travels in the fifty-eighth number.* 
 To arrive at this conclusion it is only necessary to 
 compare the two works, in the articles of style, 
 temper, feeling, and in short everything which goes 
 to the indication of a personal identity. The style of 
 this work displays the closest resemblance to that of 
 the article on Mr. Faux's Travels, and indeed all the 
 articles relating to the United States, in the Quarterly 
 Review. The same classica,! severity and mildness of 
 rebuke, where rebuke is necessary — the same happy 
 aptitude in the selection of choice flowers of rhetoric 
 — the same amiable zeal for religion — the same 
 charity to all men — the same principles of universal 
 benevolence — the same gentlemanly observance of 
 the slightest minutias of dainty, I might say exqui- 
 site, breeding — run through each and all of these 
 
 * The reader must consult the English copy for this article, which was so 
 extravagantly complimentary, that even the American bookseller modestly 
 omitted it in his re-publication of the number. 
 
TO THE PIBST EDITION. 175 
 
 productions. Nay, the same expressions and peculiar 
 phrases which characterize the reviewer, occur in 
 almost every page of our author. We have the " tur- 
 bulent spirit of democracy " — the " wanton violations 
 of the Sabbath " — the " total disregard of religion " 
 — the " spitting, gouging, drinking, duelling, dirking, 
 swearing, strutting republicans " — the " white-robed, 
 levee-going, cow-hiding fine lady " — the " hog-steal- 
 ing judges " — " the Ulusions of transatlantic specula- 
 tion " — " the flippant farragoes of impiety, malevo- 
 lence, folly, and radical trash " — together with an 
 infinite variety of the favourite phrases of the Quar- 
 terly, repeated over and over again with a facility 
 which, we think, can only be accounted for on the 
 supposition that the author and reviewer are one and 
 the same person. 
 
 Again, a perfect similarity of temper as well as 
 style reigns throughout both productions. The same 
 display of candour, good nature, urbanity, morality, 
 piety, orthodoxy, and loyalty — the same inflexible 
 impartiality and love of truth — the same chivalrous 
 gallantry to the ladies — the same high-toned courtesy 
 to the gentlemen of this republic — and the same in- 
 tense horror of the turbulent spirit of democracy — 
 live, breathe, and move, in each. It were an extreme 
 stretch of credulity, to suppose that one kingdom, 
 one quarter of the world, or even the whole universe, 
 could possibly contain two persons so highly and so 
 equally gifted with such extraordinary qualifications. 
 It would be too much for one age. We read indeed 
 of a young Mede, who assured Cyrus that he had 
 two souls ; but the idea of two separate persons hav- 
 ing one and the same soul is altogether preposterous. 
 
176 PEEFACB OP THE EDITOR 
 
 The author of this work, and the superintendent of 
 American affairs in the Quarterly Review, are there- 
 fore manifestly identical. This decision acquires ad- 
 ditional support from the continual reference to, and 
 quotations from, the latter work, interspersed through- 
 out the former. It is scarcely possible to believe that 
 any person but the reviewer himself could so accu- 
 rately remember and refer to the most admired pas- 
 sages. Our author, indeed, seems never to have had 
 the Quarterly out of mind, and this circumstance, 
 together with the fact of his always carrying it about 
 with him, and reading it on all occasions, is another 
 decisive proof; since we have occasion to know from 
 our own experience, that an author ever prefers his 
 own works to all others, as certainly as a parent does 
 his own children. 
 
 Other symptoms of identity occur in almost every 
 page. Both these productions are equally remarkable 
 for that friendly disposition to the people, the govern- 
 ment, and institutions of the United States, which 
 has caused the Quarterly to be so extensively circu- 
 lated in this country, and patronized by its most dis- 
 tinguished citizens. It would be absurd to suppose 
 that two persons, and those persons foreigners, should 
 simultaneously be animated by such disinterested feel- 
 ings of good will towards the people of this, or any 
 other, country. We notice, likewise, several other 
 striking similarities; especially an equally accurate 
 knowledge of the geography and history of the 
 United States. The amiable credulity of our author, 
 in occasionally suffering himself to be imposed upon 
 by the relations of others, is also a characteristic of 
 the reviewer, who it must be confessed sometimes 
 
TO THE FIRST EDITION. 177 
 
 stretches his belief into the regions of the marvellous. 
 This credulity is joined with a certain engaging sim- 
 plicity, which appears, in his occasionally exhibiting 
 himself in a ridiculous light without appearing to be 
 aware of it, and relating things which a more artful 
 and wary person would pass over without notice. 
 This we look upon as the strongest proof of his ve- 
 racity, and a guaranty for the truth of every thing he 
 advances upon his own authority. In regard to what 
 is told him by others, we would advise the reader to 
 receive it with some grains of allowance. 
 
 Having thus, as we presume to imagine, pretty 
 clearly established our position, that the author of the 
 following pages is also the writer of American criti- 
 cisms in the Quarterly, we shall proceed to indulge in 
 a few speculations as to the precise individual to 
 whom the people of the United States have so fre- 
 quently been indebted for such friendly notices. 
 
 It cannot be the laureate, Mr. Southey, because we 
 are assured he has lately taken rather a dislike to re- 
 publicans, on account of their blamable indifference 
 to his epic poems. Having in one of these taken the 
 trouble to confer upon them a respectable degree of 
 dignity and antiquity, by peopling the country with a 
 colony of Welsh, commanded by a real prince with an 
 enormous long pedigree, it is another proof of the 
 ingratitude of republics, that the Americans should be 
 so indifferent on the occasion. The laureate's dislike 
 is, therefore, however much it may be lamented, not 
 to be wondered at. But besides this, we have occa- 
 sion to know that the laureate finds it such a difficult 
 matter to do justice to the glories of his present gra- 
 cious sovereign, that he has been high and dry aground 
 
 12 
 
178 PEEFACB OP THE EDITOR 
 
 upon a birthday ode for the last nine months, and 
 there is no telling when he will be delivered. It is 
 whispered in literary circles, that he has called for 
 another butt of sack, to float him off. Others say 
 that, in addition to this, he is engaged upon a second 
 " Vision of Judgment," in which his old antagonist, 
 the late Lord Byron, is condemned to a most unheard- 
 of punishment, to wit, that of reading over all the 
 laureate's epics, sapphics, &c., not forgetting Wat 
 Tyler, twice a year, till he becomes orthodox, and be- 
 lieves in the divine right of kings. 
 
 Neither do we think it can possibly be Mr. D'Israeli, 
 it being pretty generally understood that he is entirely 
 devoted to the ladies, and that- his specified duty is to 
 keep an eye upon Lady Morgan, to whose " flippant 
 impieties," &c., his acknowledged orthodoxy is held to 
 be a most sovereign antidote. 
 
 We had at one time settled it in our minds, that 
 these productions came from the pen of the good- 
 natured creature who has so long presided over the 
 Quarterly, and made it renowned throughout all 
 Christendom, for that refined and high-wrought cour- 
 tesy which is only to be acquired in the cabin of a 
 Newcastle coUier. These suspicions were strength- 
 ened by our being credibly informed of a little good- 
 tempered old gentleman, who was in this country 
 some time last Spring, and was so delighted with 
 every thing he saw that he fell seriously ill of an ec- 
 static transport, from which he was finally recovered 
 by smelling a bottle of the pure essence of democracy. 
 These facts staggered us a little; but positive infor- 
 mation has since been received that the good man 
 was at that time confined to his house, No. 68 Grub 
 
TO THE FIRST EDITION. 179 
 
 street, with a dyspepsy accompanied by lowness of 
 spirits, occasioned, as is conjectured, by the late act 
 of Parliament abolishing lotteries, whereby his office 
 of comptroller of lottery-offices naturally falls to the 
 ground. It is surmised that the orthodox old gentle- 
 man hath it in serious contemplation to abandon the 
 Quarterly, become very wicked, and devote himself 
 to democracy and impiety, unless they bolster up his 
 principles with another sinecure.* 
 
 The reader wiU doubtless give us due credit, when 
 we assure him we have reduced it to a probability, ap- 
 proaching very near to certainty, that the real author 
 of the productions which have been the subject of this 
 inquiry is a gentleman of great orthodoxy, generally 
 known in England by the appellation of " The Talk- 
 ing Potato." We have been at some pains to come 
 at the origin of this whimsical distinction, but upon 
 the whole have not succeeded exactly to our wishes. 
 By some, it is said, that it arose from his talking as if 
 he had a hot potato in his mouth ; by others, that it 
 came from his having a nose wonderfully resembling 
 the Solanum Tvherosum, or red potato. But the most 
 general opinion is, that it originated in his once hav- 
 ing had the misfortune to require trepanning, when 
 Sir Astley Cooper, the great surgeon, was astonished 
 to find the entire cavity of the brain occupied by a 
 thumping Irish potato. This fact was communicated 
 to the college of physicians, but without mentioning 
 
 * Previous to this act, abolishing lotteries, Mr. 6., it is understood, held 
 two sinecures ; to wit, that of paymaster to the " Honourable band of Gentle- 
 men Pensioners," and that to which we have just alluded. The former was 
 given him to support his loyalty, and the latter to maintain his orthodoxy. 
 It is supposed that either his loyalty or his religion will be buried under the 
 ruins of the lottery-offices. 
 
180 PEEPACE OP THE EDITOR 
 
 the name, and may be found in one of the volumes 
 of their transactions. 
 
 This gentleman, besides his holding " something in 
 the nature of a sinecure ", is a member of Parliament, 
 and, as we are informed, one of the genteelest writers 
 of the Quarterly. Besides all this, he is considered 
 the best joker in the House, with the exception of Mr. 
 Canning. He has not the wit of Mr. Canning, but 
 then, as the country members are wont to say in a de- 
 bate on the causes of agricultural distress, while they 
 are splitting their sides with laughter, " he talks so 
 like a potato." It is a state secret of which we have 
 chanced to become possessed, that " The Tallting Po- 
 tato " did actually come over here, some time in the 
 late recess of Parliament, for the sole purpose of as- 
 certaining the real causes of various naval phenomena 
 which occurred during the late war between England 
 and the United States — a subject which had excited 
 great curiosity among my lords of the Admiralty. We 
 understand that he ascertained, pretty clearly, that the 
 whole secret lay in the trifling circumstances, of a 
 superiority of ships, officers, seamen, and gunnery. 
 This discovery put him in such good humour, that he 
 was wrought upon to compliment the people and 
 country in the polite manner exemplified in the fol- 
 lowing pages. It is surmised that the result of his 
 mission, in relation to naval matters, wiU appear in 
 the next edition of Mr. Robert James's * Apology for 
 
 [* There is a confusion of names here. Robert James (1703-1776) was 
 the inventor of the celebrated fever powder known by his name. The per- 
 son intended is, no doubt, William James, who published in 1822 a " Naval 
 History of Great Britain, from 1793 to 1820 ", in B volumes octavo. The Ed- 
 inburgh Review and Blackwood, as quoted in Allibone's Dictionary of Au- 
 thors, thus speak of it: — " This book is one of which it is not too high praise 
 
TO THE FIRST EDITION. 181 
 
 the English Navy. With respect to his object in 
 going to New Orleans, we have some suspicion that 
 it might have been a part of his mission to account 
 for the wonderful disparity of loss in the great battle 
 between the British and the stout hero who defend- 
 ed the city. 
 
 The foregoing contains all the particulars we have 
 been able to obtain in elucidation of the following 
 work. We cannot, however, refrain from expressing 
 our earnest hopes, that the doubts of his friends, and 
 the fears of his country, in regard to the fate of this 
 unfortunate gentleman, may be speedily removed by 
 his reappearing and claiming this work, to the credit 
 and profits of which he is entirely welcome. Should 
 the contrary be the case, we beg permission to offer 
 our sincere condolences — to my lords of the Admir- 
 alty and to the country members, on the loss of their 
 favourite jester ; to the Quarterly Review, on the loss 
 of its most classical writer; and to the nation at large, 
 on the loss of so useful a person as " The Talking 
 Potato." 
 
 Washington, 10th October, 1824. 
 
 to assert, that it approaches as nearly to perfection, in its own line, as any his- 
 torical work perhaps ever did; and we must acknowledge that we cannot 
 contemplate without admiration the impartial and unwearied zeal for histor- 
 ical truth which alone could have supported the author through his tedious 
 and thankless labours." — Edinbwgh Rev. 
 
 " His work is an inestimable one." — Blackwood's Mag. 1827.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA; 
 
 NEW MUNCHAUSEN. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 Impressions of the author previous to his arrival in America — Embarks 
 from Liverpool — Voyage — Sea-Serpent — Arrives at Boston, the capi- 
 tal of the state of Keunebunk — Account of the city — Manners of the, 
 people — Mansion-House Hotel, kept by William Kenshaw, an English- 
 man — Turbulent spirit of democracy — Negroes — Earthquakes — 
 Inundations — Intemperance — Ignorance — Impudence — Barbarity — 
 Athenxum — Literature — Naval officer — Turbulent spirit of democracy 
 — Quarterly Review, &c. — Leave Boston. 
 
 Previous to my departure for the Western para- 
 dise of liberty, my impressions with regard to the 
 country were, upon the whole, rather of a favourable 
 character. It is true, I did not believe a word of the 
 inflated accounts given by certain French revolution- 
 ary travellers, such as Brissot, Chastellux, and others j 
 much less of those of Birkbeek, Miss Wright, Cap- 
 tain Hall,* and the rest of the radical fry. I was too 
 conversant with the Quarterly Review to be led 
 astray by these Utopian romancers, and felt pretty well 
 
 * Not Captain Basil Hall, but Captain Francis Hall of the Light Dra- 
 goons. 1837. 
 
 [183] 
 
184 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 satisfied that the institutions of the country were al- 
 together barbarous. I also fully believed that the 
 people were a bundling, gouging, drinking, spitting, 
 impious race, without either morals, literature, reli- 
 gion, or refinement; and that the turbulent spirit 
 of democracy was altogether incompatible with any 
 state of society becoming a civilized nation. Being 
 thus convinced that their situation was, for the pres- 
 ent deplorable, and in the future entirely hopeless 
 unless they presently relieved themselves from the 
 cumbrous load of liberty under which they groaned, I 
 fell into a sort of compassion for them, such as we 
 feel for condemned criminals having no hope of 
 respite and no claim to benefit of clergy. 
 
 Under this impression, and with a determination 
 to look to the favourable side of the subject on all 
 occasions, to be pleased with every thing I saw, and 
 to make a reasonable allowance for the faults origi- 
 nating in their unhappy situation, I left England. 
 I can safely lay my hand on my heart, and declare to 
 the world that I was, and still am, as free from preju- 
 dice against any nation whatever, as any Enghsh 
 traveller who has ever visited this country. 
 
 Being fully aware of the superiority of British 
 ships and British sailors, I declined the advice of 
 certain merchants at Liverpool to embark in one 
 of the line of American packets, and took passage 
 on board the British brig Wellington, for Boston, as 
 my business was principally in New Orleans, and I 
 wished to arrive at the nearest port. I did not like 
 to go directly for New Orleans, being apprehensive 
 of the yellow-fever, which rages there all the year 
 round, with such virulence that the people aU die off 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 185 
 
 regularly once in two years. Our passage was long 
 and tedious, so much so that the packet in which I 
 was advised to sail from Liverpool arrived at Boston 
 four weeks before the Wellington. But this I am 
 assured was owing more to good fortune than to any 
 superiority either in the ship or sailors, over those 
 of the mistress of the seas. I passed my time both 
 pleasantly and profitably in reading the Quarterly. 
 
 On the seventieth day from losing sight of Old 
 England, we made land at Cape Hatteras, the east- 
 ern point of Boston Bay, which we entered just be- 
 fore sunset ; and, being favoured with a fine fair wind 
 from the Northj came up to the wharf in about two 
 hours from entering the Capes. Coming up, we saw 
 the famous sea-serpent, but he was nothing to those 
 I had frequently seen in the Serpentine, so called 
 from its abounding in these articles. Being very 
 anxious to go on shore, I desired one of the sailors to 
 call a hack, which very soon arriving, I ordered the 
 fellow to drive me to the best hotel in the place : ac- 
 cordingly he put me down at the Mansion-House 
 Hotel, kept by William Renshaw, a place of great 
 reputation throughout the United States. The fel- 
 low charged me a quarter of a dollar, which is twice 
 as much as I should have paid in London! Being 
 determined not to be imposed upon, I appealed to 
 the landlord, who assured me it was aU right ; so I 
 paid him, after giving himself and his horses a hearty 
 malediction. 
 
 The landlord, civilly enough, considering the coun- 
 try I was in, desired to know if I. wished to have a 
 room for the night. I answered him in the affirma- 
 tive, and begged, as a particular favour, that he 
 
186 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 would put me into one with not more than six beds 
 in it. He seemed a little surprised, but assured me 
 my wishes should be gratified. I was accordingly 
 shown into a neat room, enough, with a single bed. 
 Ay, ay, thought I, this landlord knows how to dis- 
 tinguish his guests — but my wonder subsided when 
 the waiter, who I was surprised to find was a white 
 man, told me his master was an Englishman. 
 
 Soon after, I was called down to supper, where I 
 found twenty or thirty persons, aU perfect strangers 
 to me, and who, seeing I was a stranger I suppose, 
 paid me those little civilities, which, to one who 
 knows the world, are always sufficient to put him 
 on his guard. Accordingly I declined them all, and 
 answered the questions put to me rather short, inso- 
 much that a person, whom I took to be a naval 
 officer, seemed inclined to quarrel with me. Nothing, 
 indeed, can be more disgusting to a stranger than 
 these civilities from people one does not know ; and 
 nothing gave me a more unfavourable impression of 
 the rude rhanners of these republicans, than the 
 freedom with which they chatted about their private 
 affairs, and joked each other before me, a perfect 
 stranger. It displayed a want of — tact — a family 
 iarity so different from the conduct of people in 
 similar circumstances in London, that I retired to 
 my room in disgust. I afterwards learned that the 
 naval officer threatened to " lick " me, as he called it, 
 for my surly ill manners, as he was pleased to dfr 
 nominate my gentlemanly reserve. 
 
 I retired to rest, and found my bed tolerable 
 enough ; but the American goose-feathers are by no 
 means so soft as those of London. In the morning 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 187 
 
 I went down to breakfast, determined to keep these 
 forward gentry at a distance. But it did not appear 
 to be necessary, as none of these rude boors took the 
 least notice of me, and if I wanted any thing, I was 
 obliged to call the waiter to bring it to me, for no 
 one offered to hand it about the table. I was exceed- 
 ingly disgusted at this Gothic want of politeness, which, 
 however, was nothing strange, considering the vulgar 
 habits of equality which prevail in this republic ; so 
 I called for a coach, with an air of importance, and 
 rode round the city, with a view of seeing into the 
 character and habits of the people. 
 
 The first thing that struck me, was the vast dis- 
 proportion of negroes, in the streets and everywhere 
 else, I may affirm, with perfect veracity, that nearly 
 one half the inhabitants of Boston are black. Each 
 of these poor creatures has a white man always 
 standing over him, with a large club about the thick- 
 ness of a man's arm, with which he beats the poor 
 slave for his amusement. I assure you I have seen,. 
 I may say, a thousand instances of this kind of a 
 morning. There is hardly a slave here that has not 
 his head covered with scars, and bound up with as 
 handkerchief; and almost every step you take, you 
 perceive upon the pavement the stains of blood, 
 which, I am assured by Governor Hancock himself, 
 is that of the negroes. I have seen a lady of the 
 first distinction here, walking the Mall, as it is called, 
 with a stout black fellow behind her, and occasion- 
 ally amusing herself with turning round and scratch- 
 ing his fece till it was covered with blood. This Mall 
 is a place of about half an acre, covered with dust,, 
 with a few rotten elms, and a puddle in the centre. 
 
188 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Even the little children here are initiated into human 
 blood almost as soon as they are able to walk ; and 
 the common amusement of young persons is to stick 
 pins in their black attendants, while every boy has a 
 little negro, of about his own age, to torture for his 
 pastime. 
 
 The blacks here, as I was assured by his excellen- 
 cy the Governor, whose name is Hancock, have but 
 one meal a day, which is principally potatoes, and 
 fare little better than the miserable Irish or English 
 peasantry at home. The Governor told me a story 
 of a man, who tied his black servant naked to a 
 stake, in one of the canebrakes near the city, which 
 abound with a race of musketoes that bite through a 
 boot. Here he was left one night, in the month of 
 December, which is a spring month in this climate, 
 and the next morning was found stone dead, without 
 a drop of blood in his body. I asked if this brutal 
 tyrant was not brought to justice. The Governor 
 shrugged up his shoulders, and repUed, that he was 
 now a member of Congress ! 
 
 To an Englishman, who is accustomed to see white 
 men only in a state of slavery and want, it is shock- 
 ing to see black ones in a similar situation. My heart 
 bled with sympathy for the wrongs of this injured 
 race, and I could not sufficiently admire the philan- 
 thropy of the members of the Holy Alliance who have 
 lately displayed such a laudable compassion for the 
 blacks. 
 
 Next to the continual recurrence of these disgust- 
 ing exhibitions of cruelty, the most common objects 
 seen in the streets of Boston, are drunken men wo- 
 men and children. I was assured by the Mayor, Mr. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 189 
 
 Phillips, one of the most charitable and philanthropic 
 men in the State of Maine, that, on an average, every 
 third person was drunk every day, by nine o'clock in 
 the morning. The women however, don't get fud- 
 dled, he tells me, till after they have cleared the break- 
 fast table and put the room to rights, when they set 
 to and make merry with the young children, not one 
 in a hundred of whom ever sees the inside of a school 
 or a church. The consequences of this mode of life 
 are, that the whole of the people exhibit a ruddy com- 
 plexion, and what appears at first sight to be a strong 
 muscular figure; but on a closer examination the 
 roses will be found to be nothing more than what is 
 called grog-blossoms, and the muscular appearance 
 only bloated intemperance. 
 
 Ignorance is the natural result of a want of knowl- 
 edge, as the Quarterly says. Consequently, where 
 children never go to school, it is not probable that 
 learning will flourish. Accordingly, nothing can 
 equal the barbarous ignorance of both the children 
 and grown-up persons in this republican city. I hap- 
 pened to be at the house of a judge of one of the 
 courts, and was astonished to find, on my giving his 
 son, a boy of about twelve years old, a book to read, 
 that he could not comprehend a single word! The 
 poor mother, who was, I suppose, a little mortified on 
 account of my being a stranger, (they don't mind 
 these things among themselves), patted the booby on 
 the back, and assured me the poor boy was so bash- 
 ful! Most of the justices of the peace here, make 
 their mark, instead of signing their names to war- 
 rants, &c. ; and, what is diificult to believe, many of 
 the clerks in the banks can't write their names. I 
 
190 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 never saw a school while in Boston. There is a 
 college, to be sure, but I was assured the professors 
 did not quite understand English. The Rev. Cotton 
 Mather, one of the most enlightened and popular 
 preachers here, has written a book called the Magna- 
 lia, in which he gives a variety of witch stories, such 
 as would be laughed at even among the Indians, but 
 which they all believe here, as firmly as Holy Writ. 
 The work is just come out,* and affords apt illustra- 
 tion of the state of the human intellect on this side of 
 the Atlantic. 
 
 Religion is, if possible, in a worse state than lite- 
 rature, manners, or morals. There is not a single 
 church in Boston, nor any religious exercises on 
 Sunday, except in a few school-rooms, by the Method- 
 ists and other fanatics. I am assured it is the custom 
 aU over New England, as well as in the states of 
 Newburyport and Pasquotank, to spend the Sabbath 
 like every other day in the week, except that they 
 put on clean clothes, a thing never thought of, even 
 among the most fashionable ladies, except on that oc- 
 casion. 
 
 Boston is a terrible place for fevers and agues. 
 Every one of the inhabitants, except the slaves, is af- 
 flicted with them in the spring and autumn, as sure as 
 the leaves appear in the former, and fall in the latter. 
 The consequence is, that they look like so many 
 peakish and miserable ghosts, and, if you go into the 
 shops, you may hear the money jingling in the pock- 
 ets of the shop-keepers by the mere force of habit, 
 
 [* The Magnolia was printed in London, in folio, in 1703 ... It was not till 
 1820 that it was reprinted in America, at Hartford. — DuycMnck's Cyc. oj 
 Am. Lit.'] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 191 
 
 even if the poor man should happen, at that moment, 
 to be free from the ague, or " shake," as they call it. 
 
 Besides this, they have earthquakes and inunda- 
 tions, three times a week if not more. After the 
 earthquake generally comes an inundation, which 
 destroys all the crops for hundreds of miles round, 
 and covers the country so that the tops of trees and 
 chimneys just appear above the water. This is suc- 
 ceeded by a fog so thick, that many persons are lost 
 in the streets of Boston, and wander about several 
 days, without being able to find any of the houses. 
 This is the origin of the phrase " I guess," so univer- 
 sal in New England ; for these fogs are so common, 
 that one half the time people are obliged to " guess " 
 at what they are about. Hence, too, the half pint of 
 whiskey which every man takes in the morning the 
 first thing he does after getting up, is called an anti- 
 fogmatic. 
 
 These are the principal things I observed in my 
 morning's ride. At dinner the naval officer took oc- 
 casion to make himself most indecently merry with 
 certain sarcasms on the stupid, surly, self-importance, 
 which some people attempted to pass off for real 
 dignity and high breeding. The rudeness of republic- 
 anism, indeed, is obvious to the most superficial ob- 
 server, from the first moment a man sets foot in this 
 country of beastly equality. After dinner, a person 
 who had been troubling me with his attentions since 
 my arrival, offered to carry me to the Athenaeum, a 
 great literary institution, where they talk politics and 
 read newspapers, which they mistake for literature. 
 I must not forget to observe, that nothing can be 
 worse than the taste of these people, which is per- 
 
192 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 feetly barbarous, except their genius, which is per- 
 fectly barren. Nothing is read here but newspapers, 
 almanacs, dying-speeches, ghost stories, and the like. 
 Their greatest scholar is Noah Webster, who com- 
 piled a spelling-book, and their greatest poet the 
 author of Yankee Doodle. The utmost effort of re- 
 publican genius is to write an additional stanza to 
 this famous song, which, in consequence of these per- 
 petual contributions, is, by this time, almost as long 
 as a certain Persian poem, which, if I recollect right, 
 consisted of one hundred and twenty thousand verses. 
 
 I brought letters to some of the principal magnijii- 
 coes here, but did not deliver them. I like the dinners 
 and old wine of these vulgarians, but really it is pay- 
 ing too much for them to be obliged to listen to their 
 vulgar hemp, cotton, tobacco, and nankeen specula- 
 tions, without being allowed the privilege of laughing, 
 or even yawning in their stupid faces. Then one is 
 obliged to drink wine with madam, be civil to her 
 dowdy daughters who " guess they have no occasion 
 for dancing," and — what is the climax of horrors — 
 retire from the dinner-table to the drawing-room, to 
 hear miss break the sixth commandment in the matter 
 of half a dozen sonatas, and two dozen of Moore's 
 Melodies. 
 
 By the time I had sojourned a single day in the 
 land of promise, I began to be mortally ennuye. I 
 inquired of the waiter if there was any thing in the 
 fancy way going on. He replied, there were plenty 
 of fancy stores in Court street! I asked if there was 
 likely to be a mob soon, as I had heard these republi- 
 cans amused themselves in that way. He replied, 
 that mobs never happened in Boston. Any execu- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 193 
 
 tions ? No. " My G — d," exclaimed I in despair, 
 " what a dull place ! " I devoted the evening to pack- 
 ing up, and, after supper, being desirous to make an 
 impression on these bumpkin demos, called out loudly 
 to the waiter, in my best Corinthian tone — " "Waiter! 
 — you infernal waiter ! " " Here, sir." " Waiter, bring 
 a boot-jack and pair of slippers." "Waiter — you 
 infernal waiter," repHed a voice which I took for an 
 echo. " Here, sir," said the waiter. " Waiter, bring 
 me two boot-jacks, and two pair of slippers." On 
 looking round, I perceived the echo was my old en- 
 emy, the naval officer. Being determined, however, to 
 take no notice of such a low fellow, I again called out 
 — " Waiter, bring a candle into my chamber, and a 
 warmingpan to warm my bed." "Waiter, bring 
 two candles, and two warmingpans, into my cham- 
 ber : I shall sleep in two beds to night ", cried echo. 
 I gave him a look of withering contempt and walked 
 out of the room, leaving behind me a horse-laugh,, 
 which, as I judged, proceeded from these illiterate 
 Cyclops. Before I went to bed I looked over the 
 fifty-eighth number of the Quarterly, to refresh my 
 memory. 
 
 18 
 
194 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 CHAPTER n. 
 
 Turbulent spirit of democracy — Leave Boston for Charleston, N.C. — Great 
 ship — Captain Hull — Eating negroes — Cruelty — Judge D. — Yankee 
 dinner — Mode of eating — Terrapins, cant word for young negroes — 
 System of farming — Yale college — Ignorance of the professor — Hoax 
 — Turbulent spirit of democracy — Turkey Buzzards, called eagles 
 here — Fogs — Drunken driver — Mail robbers — Wild beasts — Little 
 Frenchman — Turbulent spirit of democracy — Yankee breakfast — 
 Judge, colonel, deacon, driver — Spirit of democracy — Shooting at a 
 mark — Unlucky mistake — Spirit of democracy — Catastrophe of 
 Bamsbottom, &c. 
 
 Being determined to hold as little communication 
 as possible with the turbulent spirit of democracy, the 
 next day, without asking any questions, I took the 
 stage, crossed a bridge to the north of Boston which 
 bestrides the Potomac river, and in less than half an 
 hour arrived in Charleston, the capital of the state of 
 North Carolina, a city famous for eating negroes. It 
 is about three miles from Boston. There is a navy- 
 yard at this place, which I visited, and saw a ship 
 building there which is four hundred and twenty yards 
 long, and, as Capt. Hull, the commandant, assured me, 
 would carry three hundred long forty-two pounders. 
 She is called a seventy-four ! The captain, who is a 
 tall rough-looking man, with black eyes and immense 
 whiskers, told me in confidence, that the only way he 
 could persuade the Yankee sailors to stand to their 
 guns in his engagement with the gallant Dacres, was 
 by promising them, in case of victory, to roast the fat 
 black cook of the Constellation, as his ship was called, 
 for supper. Nothing will make these cannibal repub- 
 licans fight like a temptation of this sort. 
 
 Charleston is about the size of Boston, but has 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 195 
 
 neither pavements nor sidewalks, and alternates be- 
 tween mud and dust, and dust and mud. In summer 
 it is aU dust, in winter all mud. Indeed I began 
 to perceive, the moment I arrived here, that I had got 
 amongst a different sort of people from those of Bos- 
 ton. There was no one to be seen in the streets but 
 negroes stark naked as they were born, with their 
 backs striped like a leopard in consequence of the 
 frequent application of the lash. In fact, the principal 
 article for sale here at the retail shops, is the cow-hide, 
 as it is called, that is, a hard ox-skin, twisted in 
 the shape of a whip. Almost every man you see has 
 one of these in his hand, and a spur at his heel, to 
 make people believe he carries the whip for his horse. 
 But I was assured by the head waiter at the City 
 Hotel, kept by Mr. Chester Jennings,* in Charleston, 
 that it was for the purpose of beating the slaves. 
 Nothing indeed will tempt the whites to exert them- 
 selves in this enervating climate, but the luxury of 
 " licking a fellow," as they call it ; and almost the first 
 thing I noticed, in coming into the city, was a tall, 
 lank, cadaverous figure, strutting up and down, cut- 
 ting and hacking with his cow-hide at every negro 
 man, woman, and child, that came in his way. I in- 
 quired of the driver what these blacks had been guilty 
 of. " Guilty," replied he, " guilty — eh ! O, lord bless 
 
 you sir, it's only Judge D amusing himself with 
 
 the niggers." It made my heart bleed to see the 
 blood running down their backs. It was almost as 
 bad as shooting the Irish peasants for being out after 
 nine o'clock. 
 
 [* Well knoTm in New Tork, forty years ago, as the landlord of the City 
 Hotel.] 
 
196 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 I had scarcely been at my hotel an hour when this 
 
 same Judge D called upon me, as a stranger, and 
 
 invited me to dinner the next day. My blood rose 
 up against the brute, but as I wished to see whether 
 some of the stories told about these people, and 
 which they deny, were true, I accepted his invitation. 
 
 The party consisted of Judge D 's wife, two 
 
 daughters, and about a dozen of the principal men 
 of the place, among whom was the governor of South 
 Carolina, Mr. Heister.* Behind each of the seats, as 
 well the judge's as those of his lady and daughters, 
 stood a black boy or girl, as it happened, perfectly 
 naked, and each of the guests was provided with a 
 cow-hide, with which to chastise any neglect of duty 
 on the part of the slaves. There was cut and come 
 again. The judge and his guests cut their meat and 
 cut the negroes, alternately, and I particularly noticed 
 the dexterity of the young ladies in touching the 
 tender places with the cow-hide, as well as their in- 
 finite delight in seeing the victims wince under the 
 application. One of these poor wretches having the 
 misfortune to break a plate during dinner, was taken 
 out, put under the window by the overseer, and beat 
 so cruelly that her moans were heard over half the 
 city. When she came in again, the tears were roll- 
 ing down her cheeks, and the blood trickling down 
 her naked back. The indifference with which every 
 one of the company but myself beheld all this, con- 
 vinced me that it was the custom of the country. 
 
 The dinner was, in the main, good enough. That 
 is to say, there was a plenty of things naturally good, 
 
 [* Joseph Heister was governor of Pennsylvania, from December 1820 to 
 December 1823.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 197 
 
 but, what was very remarkable, it was brought up in 
 wooden dishes, out of which they all helped them- 
 selves with their fingers, knives and forks not being in 
 use in America, except among a few English people. 
 There was a very suspicious dish on the table, which 
 they called terrapin soup, in which I observed what 
 had exactly the appearance of the fingers and toes of 
 little negroes. I afterwards learned that this was 
 actually the case, and that terrapin is the cant name 
 for black children, as papoose is for those of the In- 
 dians. During the dessert, an unlucky slave happened 
 to let fall a knife to which he was helping his mistress, 
 who snatched it up in a great passion and gave him a 
 deep gash in the face. I dropt my knife and fork in 
 astonishment, but nobody else seemed to notice this 
 horrible incident. 
 
 The next morning I strolled out into the fields, 
 with a view of seeing the system of rural economy 
 practised in the South. One of the best-managed 
 plantations, I was told, was that of his excellency 
 Governor Hancock, whose name is signed to the 
 declaration of independence, said to be written by one 
 Jefferson,* a player belonging to the Philadelphia 
 theatre. The governor is a brisk, troublesome little 
 man, about forty. His plantation is at a place called 
 Ompompoonoosuck — a name redolent of barbarism. 
 I saw plenty of slaves, and a scarcity of every thing 
 else. The principal products are rice, cotton, and 
 tobacco. The rice grows generally upon the high 
 grounds ; but the cotton requires to be covered with 
 
 [* Joseph Jefferson, represented by the critics of his time as an excellent 
 actor — grandfather of his namesake, whom we of the present day know to 
 be admirably gifted in the same art.] 
 
198 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 water occasionally. The best is called Sea Island, 
 because it grows upon little islands in the mUl-ponds, 
 which the people here, according to their universal 
 practice of hyperbole, call seas. As for the tobacco, 
 this filthy and unwholesome weed is found to flourish 
 best in the negro grave-yards, where it is commonly 
 rEiibed, and where you may every day during the 
 month of January, when it is ripe, see the children 
 of the slaves gathering it from the very graves of 
 their parents. This tobacco is used as food by men, 
 women, and children, who eat it as we do salad. 
 Here I saw the poor negroes working bare-headed, 
 and I might say bare-backed, in the broUing sun, 
 which sometimes actually sets fire to their wooUy 
 heads, of which I saw several examples in the course 
 of my travels. Two or three heads were already 
 beginning to smoke, and I was told, if I staid half an 
 hour longer I might see them in a blaze. However, 
 having seen enough to convince me that the system 
 of farming here was execrable, and finding it getting 
 rather cold, I returned home by another route, which 
 gave me an opportunity of seeing Yale college. 
 
 In reconnoitring about, I fell in with one of the 
 professors, to whom, willing to see whether the poor 
 man understood Latin, I paid my compliments in 
 forma pauperis. The professor, after staring at me 
 with a most ludicrous expression of ignorant wonder, 
 asked me whence I came, and upon my answering 
 " last from Charleston, South Carolina," shrugged up 
 his shoulders, and replied, "it was really so far off, 
 that he could not undertake to direct me," although 
 the steeples were fuU in sight ! From this we may 
 j adge of the state of learning and information on this 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 199 
 
 side the Pacific. Being determined to hoax these 
 poor sotds, I filled a box with pebbles, old mortar, and 
 crumbling brick-bats, which I sent to the faculty as a 
 valuable set of American minerals; whereupon they 
 unanimously bestowed upon me the degree of doctor 
 of laws. There were some vitrified masses I picked 
 up near an old glass-house which caused great specu- 
 lation, being considered unquestionable volcanic pro- 
 ductions. When questioned as to their locality, I 
 sent them on a wild-goose-chase in search of a burn- 
 ing mountain. 
 
 Becoming tired of Charleston, its negroes and tur- 
 key-buzzards, (which the turbulent spirit of democ- 
 racy has dubbed eagles), and desirous of getting to 
 New Orleans as early as possible, I took a seat in the 
 stage for Portsmouth, Georgia, and departed before 
 daylight the next morning. When it should have 
 been daylight, the fog was so thick it was impossible 
 to see the leaders, and I 'expressed some apprehension. 
 One of the passengers assured me however, that, as 
 the driver was drunk as a matter of course, daylight 
 was of no consequence — it was trusting to Provi- 
 dence at all events. Indeed, I am assured by persons 
 of veracity, that travellers in this country place their 
 chief dependence on the horses, who, being left pretty 
 much to themselves in consequence of the intoxica- 
 tion of the drivers, acquire a singular discretion, and 
 seldom run away except when the driver is sober. 
 Thus we travelled under the guidance of instinct, till 
 near ten o'clock, when objects gradually became visi- 
 ble along the road. The driver about this time waked 
 up, and I was congratulating myself on his appear- 
 ing sober; but the same communicative passenger 
 
200 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 assured me it was of no consequence, for he would 
 be drunk again by the time breakfast was over. 
 
 I had heard a great deal about the populousness of 
 the country in the neighbourhood of Boston ; but I can 
 safely affirm that, during the whole of this morning's 
 ride, I saw neither house nor human being along the 
 road. We heard indeed a deal of barking and howling 
 at no great distance, which the communicative pas- 
 senger assured me was that of various kinds of wild 
 beasts, that abound in these parts. He told me they 
 frequently surrounded the stage, devoured the horses, 
 and, if their hunger was not then satisfied, topped off 
 with the driver and passengers. Indeed, what with 
 mail robberies, which happened almost every night, 
 and attacks of wild beasts, there was little hope of 
 getting to the end of a journey of a dozen miles alive. 
 " Boutez en avant /," roared out a little Frenchman in 
 a corner, taking a great pinch of snuff at the same 
 time. AH this, thought I, comes of the turbulent spirit 
 of democracy. 
 
 Breakfasting at a little town, which, like all other 
 towns in this country, is called the city of Hartford, I 
 saw a young lady devour thirty-six cucumbers moist- 
 ened with a quart of vinegar. After which, she sat 
 down, played Lodoiska on the piano, and then went 
 into the field to pull onions. Such horrible incon- 
 gruities are generated in the rankness of democracy ! 
 There was a child of about eight years old in the 
 room, who called for an antifogmatic, which he drank 
 off at one swallow, after which he lighted a cigar and 
 amused himself with singeing the woolly pate of a 
 little black boy, or terrapin as they call them when 
 made into soup. According to the prediction of the 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 201 
 
 communicative passenger, the driver was nodding 
 again on his seat in less than half an hour after start- 
 ing. I was so provoked that I threatened to lick him, 
 as the naval officer said at Boston. But the commu- 
 nicative passenger cautioned me against this, assuring 
 me the driver was a man of great consequence — a 
 member of congress — judge of the court — colonel of 
 militia — justice of the peace — deacon of the church 
 — constable, and keeper of the county jail withal. 
 " So," continued the communicative passenger, " he 
 can issue a warrant — take you into custody — try 
 you for an assault — clap you in jaU — keep watch 
 over you when there — and finally, have you prayed 
 against by the whole congregation." " Diable ! " ex- 
 claimed the little Frenchman, in broken English; 
 "these democrat Yankees have as many offices as 
 their citizen-hogs have hind legs." " Why, how many 
 legs have our citizen-hogs, as you call them, mon- 
 sieur ? ", said the communicative passenger. " Why, 
 eight at least," replied the other, " or they could never 
 furnish the miUions of hams which I see every where. 
 Diable ! I have breakfasted upon ham — dined upon 
 ham — and supped upon ham, every day since I ar- 
 rived in this country. Yes sir, it is certain your pigs 
 must have at least eight hams a piece ; " upon which 
 he politely oifered me a pinch of snufF, which I refused 
 with cold dignity. If I know myself, I have no na- 
 tional prejudices ; but I do hate Frenchmen. 
 
 Though anxious to gain information, I cannot con- 
 descend to mix with these rank republicans, ask ques- 
 tions, and take the usual means of gaining it. I 
 wanted to know the reason of such a multiplicity of 
 offices being united in one person ; but it was enough 
 
202 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 for me to permit these low-lived scum of democracy 
 to give me information, Avithout demeaning myself to 
 ask for it. Luckily the little Frenchman, like aU his 
 detestable countrymen, was fond of talking. " Pray," 
 said he, " how comes it that his honour the colonel, 
 deacon, stage-driver, has so many offices ; or, as you 
 Yankees say, so many irons in the fire ? One would 
 think that men were as scarce in this country, as hams 
 are plenty." " Why, the truth is," replied the com- 
 municative traveller, " that being one of three persons 
 out of the whole county that can read, it is necessary 
 he should labour in a variety of vocations, for the good 
 of his country. Besides, as every democrat is by na- 
 ture and habit a drunkard, a sober man among them 
 is like a good singer at a feast ; the one is knocked 
 down for all the songs, and the other is under the ne- 
 cessity of playing the jack-of-aU-trades." "Diable!" 
 exclaimed the little Frenchman, " do you call this 
 colonel stage-driver a sober man ? " " Why, not ex- 
 actly," replied the other; "but this valuable person 
 has been drinking so long and so constantly, that ha- 
 bit has become second nature, and he is never so wise, 
 vahant, discreet, and pious, as when he is full charged 
 with apple-brandy." So much for the spirit of de- 
 mocracy, thought I. 
 
 The country through which we passed, everywhere 
 exhibits traces of the lazy, ragged, and dirty genius of 
 democracy, who prides himself on his beggary, and 
 riots in the want of aU those elegancies which, civihzed 
 nations consider essential to existence. A few miser- 
 able negro huts without roof or windows, and a few 
 half-starved, half-naked negroes, dot the sterile land- 
 scape here and there. The only white people we saw, 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 203 
 
 were a knot of half-drunken savages, assembled about 
 a log-hut, shooting at a mark. Here we sfopped to 
 water the horses, and I looked about to see the mark 
 at which they were trying their skill. " You are curi- 
 ous," said the communicative traveller, "to know 
 what they are shooting at. Look at that little negro. 
 They will tie him to yonder post anon, and shoot at 
 him till he is torn to atoms, as they do at turkeys, for 
 sixpence a shot." Another proof of the horrible spirit 
 of democracy. The person who gave me this informa- 
 tion added, that when they had finished this trial of 
 skill, they would, in all probability, turn to and take 
 a few shots at each other for mere amusement. 
 
 We arrived at Portsmouth, an inland town, capital 
 of Georgia, where, being heartily sick of this bund- 
 ling, guessing, tippling den of democracy, I thought 
 I would, for once, depart from my ordinary rule, and 
 inquire when I might calculate on getting to New 
 Orleans. I accordingly put the question to the land- 
 lord; but the little impatient Frenchman, who was 
 close at my heels, took the word ^- " New Orleans I 
 Diable ! are you going to New Orleans, monsieur ? " 
 Thinking his surprise might have some connexion 
 with the yellow-fever, I was thrown off my guard, and, 
 before I knew it, condescended to answer, " Yes, I 
 am " — but with cold dignity. The little villain took 
 a huge pinch of snuff, blew his nose like a trumpet, 
 and exclaimed — " To New Orleans ! You are going 
 to New Orleans, and I am going away from it as fast 
 as I possibly can ! One of us must be going the wrong 
 way, that's certain. Pray," said he, turning to the 
 communicative traveller, "wiU monsieur be good 
 enough to tell me whether I am travelling north or 
 
204 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 south, to New Orleans or Passamaquoddy ? " " Due 
 north — in the very eye of the North star — to Passa- 
 maquoddy, and not to New Orleans, monsieur," an- 
 swered the other. " Monsieur," said the little villain, 
 turning to me, and offering a pinch of snufF with a 
 low bow — " Monsieur, when you get into a stage 
 coach, do you ever condescend to inquire where it is 
 going ? I am an old traveller, and, as we are going to 
 part, never perhaps to meet again, let me conjure you, 
 by the memory of your ancestors and the victory of 
 Waterloo, never to set out on a journey without in- 
 quiring whither you are going. However, monsieur, 
 it is an ill wind that blows nobody good. I am going 
 no farther North than this place, shall finish my busi- 
 ness here this afternoon, and to-morrow, if monsieur 
 pleases, we wiU set out for the South, which I assure 
 you is the very best way to New Orleans." "And 
 I," said the communicative traveller, " shall also re- 
 turn in the morning, and mean to go South as far 
 as the city of Charleston, so that we shall have the 
 pleasure of each other's company for a thousand mUes 
 at least." " A thousand mUes ! " repeated I, for 
 here again surprise overcame my dignified reserve — 
 
 " Why, I thought " . But I stopped short, being 
 
 unwilling to give the little rascal of a Frenchman 
 another laugh, by letting him into the secret of a 
 certain blunder which shall be nameless. " On the 
 whole," observed the communicative traveller, "you 
 have not lost much by this little ride out of your 
 way. You have had an opportunity of seeing one 
 of the finest and best-cultivated parts of the country ; 
 and a portion of the most moral, as well as enhght- 
 ened, of the people. And you have lost no time by 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 205 
 
 the little excursion, for, I am credibly informed, such 
 has been the mortality at New Orleans, that there is 
 not a single human being left alive there. Nay, the 
 very dogs, cats, and parrots are extinct. You may as 
 well wait, therefore, till it is peopled again, which will 
 be very soon, for the folks in this country, particularly 
 the democrats, don't mind dying in the summer, 
 if they can only have a merry winter beforehand." 
 Here our conversation was interrupted by a loud cry 
 of " Help — murder — help ! " proceeding from an ad- 
 joining room. On running in to see what was the 
 matter, we found that a son of the landlord, (who, by 
 the way, was a general), about eight years of age, 
 had thrown his mother down on the floor, and was 
 beating, biting, scratching, and mauling her in a dread- 
 ful manner, while the general stood by, laughing and 
 clapping his hands in ecstacy, every moment crying 
 out, "That's it — that's my fine fellow— O! he'll 
 make a brave republican ! " Such are the first lessons 
 of children in this chosen land of bundling, gouging, 
 drunkenness, impertinence, impiety — and, to sum up 
 all in one word, democracy. 
 
 Heaven be praised, thought I, the force of democ- 
 racy can go no further; but I was mistaken with a 
 vengeance. Just at this moment we had a terrible 
 explosion, which I at first thought was the little 
 Frenchman sneezing: but it turned out, on inquiry, 
 to be something of a far different nature. Though 
 my heart sickens at the bare recital, I shall give the 
 story, for the benefit of all the admirers of democracy. 
 
 It seems a fellow of the name of Ramsbottom, 
 a man-milliner by trade, and a roaring patriot, had 
 taken offence at a neighbour whose name was Hig- 
 
206 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ginbottom, because his wife had attempted to cheapen 
 a crimped tucker, and afterwards reported that he sold 
 his articles much dearer than his rival man-milliner 
 over the way, whose name was Winterbottom, and 
 whose next-door neighbour, one Oddy, was Winter- 
 bottom's particular friend. In the pure spirit of de- 
 mocracy, Ramsbottom determined to dirk, not only 
 Higginbottom and his wife, and Winterbottom, and 
 Oddy, and their wives; but all the young Higgin- 
 bottoms, Winterbottoms, Oddys, and little Oddities. 
 It was some years before Ramsbottom could get them 
 all together, so as to make one job of it. At last he 
 collected the whole party at his own house, to spend 
 their Christmas eve, and determined to execute his 
 diabolical purpose. It appears, however, from what 
 followed, that he had previously changed his mind as 
 to the dirking, probably because it was too much 
 trouble : (for these democrats hate trouble above all 
 things). Just as they were up to the eyes in a Christ- 
 mas-pie, the explosion which I had just heard took 
 place, and the whole party, Ramsbottom, Higgin- 
 bottom, Winterbottom, and Oddy, together with their 
 wives, and all the little Ramsbottoms, Winterbottoms, 
 Higginbottoms, Oddys, and Oddities, were blown into 
 such small atoms that not a vestige of them was to 
 be found. I saw their bodies afterwards, all terribly 
 mangled and torn to pieces. Such is the intense and 
 never-dying spirit of vengeance generated by the tur- 
 bulent spirit of democracy, that the desperado, Rams- 
 bottom, it appears, did not scruple, like the republican 
 Samson of old, to pull down destruction on himself, 
 that he might be revenged on his enemies. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 207 
 
 CHAPTER m. 
 
 Little Frenchman — Treatment of Slaves — Mode of baking sawdust cakes 
 — Kitchen-furniture — Spirit of Democracy — Apostrophe — Mode of 
 paying bills by the Yankees and French — Little Frenchman again — 
 Solitary inn — Attempt to rob and murder the author — Bandit disguised 
 as a stage-driver — Arrival at Boston — Gives the little Frenchman the 
 slip. 
 
 In order to get rid of the little Frenchman, with his 
 confounded mahogany face, gold ear-rings, and dimity 
 breeches, who seemed inclined to be impertinently 
 jocular with my mistaking the way to New Orleans, 
 I determined to say nothing, but defer my journey a 
 day longer. 
 
 Accordingly I apprized the landlord of my inten- 
 tion, and suffered the stage to depart without me. 
 With a view to keep up my dignity, as well as to ac- 
 quire all the information possible, in relation to the 
 country, its people, and manners, I determined to re- 
 main in my room aU day, take my meals in dignified 
 retirement, and seize every opportunity of question- 
 ing the waiter. From him I gathered many precious 
 items concerning the blessed effects of the turbulent 
 spirit of democracy. 
 
 He solemnly assured me, that all the servants eat 
 off the kitchen floor, which, in these parts, instead of 
 boards, is usually of mud, well trodden by the pigs. 
 In this land of equality, these animals are admitted to 
 all the privileges of citizenship, vote at elections, and, 
 I believe, are eligible to the highest offices, provided 
 they are natural-born pigs. On my inquiring how 
 they understood the votes of these freeholders, he 
 
208 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 replied, that a grunt was always considered as a suff- 
 rage in favour of the democratic ticket, and a squeak 
 for the federal or aristocratic party. Hence abun- 
 dance of pains is taken to teach the pigs either to 
 grunt or to squeal, according as their owners belong 
 to one party or the other ; and many a vote is changed 
 by certain sly pinches of the pigs' ears, as they are 
 brought up to give their suffrages. 
 
 The waiter further informed me, in the course of 
 my investigations into kitchen affairs, that the poor 
 servants, who are all blacks and slaves in this part of 
 the country, had neither beds nor covering at night, 
 but pigged together in the ashes, where they often 
 squabbled and fought all night, either to get near a 
 little live coal, or to keep each other warm by exer- 
 cise. As to food, one may guess, as these vulgar dem- 
 ocrats say — one may guess what that is, when I 
 state, on the information of the waiter, that the week 
 before I came to Portsmouth, in this very kitchen, a 
 murder was committed by one gentleman of colour 
 on another, in consequence of a dispute about the 
 property of a bone which had been picked six days in 
 succession. The murderer at last seized the bone, hit 
 his adversary on the temple, and killed him instantly ; 
 after which he buried him in the mud of the kitchen, 
 and sat himself quietly down to gnaw his prize. The 
 waiter further stated, that they were allowed no cook- 
 ing utensils, and that the way they generally baked 
 their bread, which is altogether of sawdust, was to lie 
 down at night, with the soles of their feet, on which 
 they had plastered the dough, extended towards the 
 fire. They then go to sleep, and by the time the cake 
 begins to burn their feet so as to wake them, it is 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 209 
 
 done. This sawdust bread is their chief food; but 
 candour obliges me to state, that once in a great 
 while they are treated to a bit of spoiled codfish or 
 tainted pork, which makes them almost run mad with 
 ecstacy. Determined to make the most of this meeting 
 with such an intelligent feUow, I continued to ques- 
 tion him concerning the number of pots, kettles, stew- 
 pans, &c., in the kitchen — their state, quality, and 
 condition — whether they had any knives and forks 
 allowed them, and if the latter had three prongs ? — 
 whether the little negroes were taught their prayers ? — 
 and whether the pigs were permitted to eat out of the 
 same dish with them? Touching the pots and ket- 
 tles, he assured me, upon his honour, that there was 
 but one pot, with one ear, in the whole establish- 
 ment ; that the kettle was still worse off than the pot, 
 having had no handle within the memory of man ; 
 that the only knife they had was half the stump of a 
 blade, without edge or point, which, however, was 
 rather a lucky circumstance, since, as they were al- 
 ways fighting at meals on account of the scarcity pre- 
 vailing, they would do mischief if they had knives ; 
 that, as to forks, it was the landlady's maxim that fin- 
 gers were made before knives and 'forks; that the 
 little people of colour were taught nothing but swear- 
 ing; and that the pigs always breakfasted before' 
 them, on account of being considered freeholders and 
 entitled to vote. 
 
 In this way I gained more insight into the nature 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy, than if I had 
 mixed with half the people of the town, and asked- as 
 many questions as a Yankee democrat. Indeed I 
 had read in aU our books of travels,, that these bnnd- 
 
 14 
 
210 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 ling, gouging republicans, although they asked a 
 dozen questions in a minute, were principled against 
 answering any. This, I was told by the waiter, arises, 
 in a great degree, from the fact that almost every 
 white man is generally in court a dozen or twenty 
 times a year, for some offence or other, (principally 
 that of murder,) in consequence of which they get a 
 habit of being shy in answering interrogatories. 
 " But," said I, at the conclusion of my examination, 
 " how does it happen that you are so plump and well 
 clad, if your fellows are thus naked and starved ? " 
 " Why," replied the fellow, showing his white teeth 
 from ear to ear — "Why, if master must know, I 
 make a point of helping myself out of the dishes, as I 
 go in and out; and my master keeps me well dressed, 
 for the honour of the house." Alas! thought I to 
 myself, here is another proof of the demoralizing 
 effects of slavery ! This honest man is obhged to de- 
 scend to the degradation of rifling apple-tarts, and 
 embezzling mouthfuls of mutton, to keep himself 
 from starving! — O, Wilberforce !, well mayest thou 
 endanger the lives of aU the white people of the West 
 Indies, in thy attempts to benefit the blacks ! — O, 
 Buxton !,* well mayest thou be permitted to poison 
 half the people of London with thine execrable small 
 beer, in consideration of thy godlike philanthropy ! — 
 And, O, Betty Martin !, well mayest thou be allowed 
 to hunt, shoot, and hang up the wild Irish, in consid- 
 eration of thine eloquent speeches in Parliament, in 
 
 [* Sir Thomas Fowell Buxton, for seven years, beginning with 1811, was 
 partner in a breweiy. Returned member of Parliament from Weymouth in 
 1818, upon the retirement of Wilberforce, in 1825, he became leader of the 
 anti-slavery party in England.] 
 
JOHN BOTiL IN AMERICA. 211 
 
 behalf of brawned pigs, crammed turkeys, and plugged 
 lobsters ! 
 
 In the evening I paid my biU, which seemed rather 
 to astonish the landlord, and in truth it was a most 
 swingeing one. At first I demurred; but upon the 
 poor fellow's assuring me he was obliged to charge 
 strangers, particularly Englishmen, treble, and some- 
 times quadruple, to make up for the losses sustained 
 by his own countrymen and the Frenchmen, who 
 generally went away without paying at all, I paid 
 him with the air of an English nobleman, expecting 
 he would dub me My Lord; but he received the 
 money with perfect indifference, and did not even con- 
 descend to bow or thank me. Such is the influence 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy ! 
 
 In the morning, as usual in all parts of this coun- 
 try, we set forth before daylight, so that I could not 
 see my fellow-passengers. Two reasons combine to 
 produce this republican custom of travelling before 
 day, and after dark. In the first place, it gives oppor- 
 tunity for robbing the stages, the drivers and owners 
 of which, as I am assured, are, generally, in league 
 with the bands of robbers which infest aU parts of this 
 country, to the number, sometimes, of two or three 
 thousand in a band. In the second place, as there are 
 generally two or three pick-pockets in every stage- 
 coach, and forty or fifty in every steam-boat, the 
 darkness gives a capital scope for the exercise of this 
 fashionable republican vocation. Aware of this, I 
 always rode with my hands in my pockets, and was 
 now indulging in this salutary precaution, when a 
 sudden jelt of the jarvie brought my head in fuU con- 
 tact with the back of a passenger on the seat before 
 
212 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 me. " Diable ! " exclaimed a voice which seemed to 
 be familiar to me, and then all was silent again. Not 
 long after, there exploded a sneeze which shook the 
 whole vehicle. " Good Heavens ! " ejaculated I, " I'm 
 sure I've heard that sneeze before; it must be my 
 little Frenchman!" — But there was no help for it 
 now, and I determined to keep him at an awful 
 distance. 
 
 Daylight showed the mahogany face, gold ear-rings, 
 and dimity breeches, of the little Frenchman, and by 
 his side the communicative traveller. All at once it 
 occurred to my mind that these two men were accom- 
 plices in some scheme for robbing me. I was con- 
 firmed in the suspicion by the confounded civilities of 
 the little Frenchman, who expressed infinite pleasure 
 on the occasion, and offered me a pinch of snuff" every 
 two minutes. " We thought we had lost you," said he, 
 " and were regretting the absence of such an agreeable 
 companion." I made no reply but by a stiff" inclina- 
 tion of the head, and continued with my hands in my 
 pockets, my pocket-book in one, and my watch in the 
 other. " Pray, monsieur, what a clock is it ? ", said the 
 Frenchman. Aha ! thought I, are you thereabouts ? 
 So I told him my watch had run down, and held it 
 faster than ever. 
 
 This mode of disposing of my hands was very 
 inconvenient on these rough democratic roads, and 
 occasioned me to bounce about to the no small annoy- 
 ance of these Jonathans, who threw out divers un- 
 mannerly hints, which I treated with perfect contempt. 
 " He must have his pockets full of guineas," said the 
 little Frenchman in a whisper, winking at the same 
 time at the communicative traveller. I understood all 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 213 
 
 this perfectly, and, when we stopped to dine, managed 
 to exhibit a neat pair of hair-triggers to these two 
 worthies, who exchanged very significant looks there- 
 upon. " It won't do," observed one to the other, in a 
 desponding tone. 
 
 The house we put up at for the night was in a 
 lonely wood, at a distance of several miles from any 
 human habitation. The owls whooped, the wolves 
 howled, the whippoorwiUs whistled, the frogs croaked, 
 the katydids katydidded it, the crickets chirped, and 
 every sound seemed fraught with melancholy thoughts 
 and mournful anticipations. During supper, and 
 afterwards, I perceived an exchange of mysterious 
 looks between the Frenchman, his companion, the 
 landlord, and the landlord's wife, and detected them in 
 various secret conferences. In one of these I over- 
 heard the landlady say, in reply to some question of 
 the communicative traveller, who seemed to be an old 
 acquaintance, " we killed him last night, poor old crea- 
 ture; I was almost sorry for him." My blood ran 
 cold — some venerable traveller, doubtless, thought I. 
 
 Now thoroughly convinced that there was a plan to 
 rob and murder me in this lonely place, I determined 
 to defeat it by sitting up all night with a pistol 
 cocked in each hand, ready to defend myself. In spite 
 of the hints, questions, and entreaties, of the landlord 
 and his wife, I persevered in my plan, although I was 
 obliged to take to the kitchen fire, which I did under 
 pretence that they were going to make up a bed for 
 themselves in the room where I was. In this situa- 
 tion I continued, a pistol ready cocked in each hand, 
 until, as I judge, about two or three o'clock, when a 
 door suddenly opened and a bandit cautiously entered 
 
214 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 with a dark lantern in his hand. Thinking there was 
 no time to be lost, I let fly at him, and he feU flat on 
 his face, bellowing murder with aU his might. Imme- 
 diately there was a great stir ; the landlord, his wife, 
 children, servants, the stage-passengers, and lastly the 
 little Frenchman and the communicative traveller, 
 bounced in, helter-skelter, crying out " what's the mat- 
 ter — what's the matter!" I stood with the other 
 pistol ready to fire, and bade them approach at their 
 peril. " Diable ! " exclaimed the little Frenchman, 
 stooping down to examine the body, " he has killed 
 our driver." " Not exactly," cried the fellow, jumping 
 on his two legs as brisk as a grasshopper — " but if I 
 don't have him up before the justice for shooting at a 
 fellow for only coming in to light his lantern, to see 
 to put together his horses, darn my soul." I insisted 
 upon it he was a genuine bandit, and that he had 
 come into the kitchen on purpose to rob and murder 
 me, or at least keep me in custody till my friends 
 paid my ransom. But I found they were all in league 
 against me, and was fineCUy glad to compound with the 
 pretended stage-driver, by treating him to a pint of 
 whiskey. It is thus that strangers are always served 
 in this democratic paradise. They must either sit 
 still and be murdered by inches, or pay a composition 
 for defending themselves. To carry on the deception, 
 the feUow with a dark lantern was actually mounted 
 on the coach-box, with a view, I suppose, of making 
 a more successful attempt the next night. But in this 
 he was disappointed, for, the moment we got to Bos- 
 ton, I took my portmanteau under my arm, darted 
 round a corner, and hid myself in a remote part of 
 the city. In my retreat I heard the little Frenchman 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 215 
 
 exclaim, " Diable ! this is what you call taking French 
 leave, I think." 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 The author congratulates himself on having got rid of the little Frenchman 
 — Is in danger of being twice robbed and murdered — Neglect of com- 
 mon decency in taverns and steam-boats — No knives and forks — Dirty 
 hands and faces — Astonishing nnmber of people with one eye, or two 
 black eyes — Explanation of Governor Hancock — Gouging — Spirit of 
 Democracy — Leaves Boston - Passes through Ohio, Alabama, and Con- 
 necticut — Attempt to rob the mail on Sunday, by a footpad who turns 
 out to be a deacon of the church — Amusements of the people — Holy 
 Alliance — Bellows Falls — Steam-boats invented by Dr. Isaac Watts, 
 who wrote the Book of Psalms — The Yankees ignorant of the points of 
 the compass — Their mode of navigation — Little Frenchman again — 
 Mode of deciding elections — Eudeness of boatmen and captain — At- 
 tempt of the litUe Frenchman to rob the author. 
 
 " Thank heaven," said I, " I've got rid of the little 
 Frenchman, the bandit, and his whole crew," as I 
 seated myself snugly in the quiet retreat of a hotel in 
 which I had sought refuge. I slept pretty soundly that 
 night, with the exception of two attempts to rob and 
 murder me; one, by a person who opened my door, 
 but who, seeing the barking-iron, shrunk back and 
 pretended to have mistaken the room; the other by 
 the chamber-maid, who came in, after I had gone 
 to bed, with an excuse that she had forgot to put 
 water in my pitcher. By the way, nothing can equal 
 the neglect of these turbulent democrats in all the 
 common decencies of life, particularly washing their 
 hands and faces. On board the steam-boats, where 
 there are perhaps a hundred people, one does not see 
 
216 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 above two or three washing themselves of a morning. 
 As for combs, I asked for one at a first-rate hotel in 
 Boston, and the waiter replied, " Comb, sir ? — oh, I 
 suppose you mean curry-comb." He then went his 
 way, mumbling to himself " I wonder what the man 
 wants of a comb, for he keeps no horses." As they 
 have no knives and forks, either for want of knowing 
 their uses, or for fear the passengers would steal them, 
 it is easy to conceive the disgust an Englishman must 
 feel at seeing them diving in the dishes with their 
 filthy fingers. Another characteristic feature of these 
 people is, that more than one half of them want an 
 eye, and those that happen to have two, generally ex- 
 hibit a black ring round one or both. On inquiring 
 into the cause of this peculiarity, I was told by his 
 excellency, Governor Hancock, that men, women, and 
 children, were so given to fighting and gouging, that 
 it was next to a miracle to see one of them without 
 one eye gone, or at least without a pair of black eyes, 
 which is reckoned a great beauty in these parts. So 
 much for the turbulent spirit of democracy, thought I 
 to myself. 
 
 Having staid three days, to give the little French- 
 man, the great bandit, and the rest of them, a fair 
 start, I thought I might safely proceed on to the 
 South. Accordingly I took passage in a stage, and 
 departed on the fourth morning, as usual, before day- 
 light, for the convenience of being robbed and mur- 
 dered on the way. This happens generally about 
 three times a week ; but it is in the true spirit of de- 
 mocracy to sport with property and life. Our road 
 carried us through the states of Ohio, Alabama, and 
 Connecticut, among the people of steady habits, as 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 217 
 
 they are denominated. All I can say is, that the 
 sooner they change these steady habits the better, for 
 it will hardly be believed, that we had scarcely en- 
 tered the confines of Connecticut, the very centre 
 of steady habits, when, although it was Sunday, (a 
 sufficient reason for deterring any christian highway- 
 man), we were stopped by a footpad, who demanded 
 money with as little compunction as a he-wolf. Upon 
 my showing my pistols however, he sheered off, and 
 the driver whipping up his horses at the moment, we 
 luckily escaped that time. The incident of a single 
 footpad's attempting thus to rob a whole stage-load 
 of people, furnishes another proof that stage-drivers 
 and stage-owners, not to say a majority of stage-pas- 
 sengers, are accomplices of these bands of robbers. 
 Had it not been for my pistols, we should aU have 
 been robbed to a certainty, and most probably the 
 rest of the passengers would have shared my spoils. 
 What exhibits the turbulent and impious spirit of 
 democracy in aU its turpitude is the fact, that the 
 driver, after getting fairly out of sight, turned round 
 to the passengers with a grin, and exclaimed, " I guess 
 I've distanced the deacon." So that this footpad was 
 one of the pillars of the church ! 
 
 I have nothing to add in addition to these disgust- 
 ing details, except that, as far as my sight could reach 
 on either side of the road, I could see nobody at work 
 but the poor gentlemen of colour, half clothed, as 
 usual. The white people were for the most part em- 
 ployed — the men, haunting the taverns, running horses, 
 fighting cocks, or gouging one another's eyes out — 
 the women, sitting along the road, chewing tobacco, 
 and spitting in the faces of passers by — and the little 
 
218 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 boys and girls, beating and otherwise maltreating, 
 their parents. To vary these amusements, they some- 
 times made a party to hunt a little naked negro with 
 their dogs, which I observed were all blood-hounds. 
 My heart bled to see these cruel mastiffs, less, cruel 
 indeed than the turbulent spirit of democracy, tug- 
 ging at their naked haunches, and I could not help 
 invoking the philanthropic genius of the Holy Alli- 
 ance to interfere in behalf of these oppressed beings. 
 
 About five in the afternoon we arrived at Bellows 
 Falls, at the mouth of the Ohio, where I embarked 
 in the steam-boat for New York. These steam-boats, 
 all the world knows, were invented by Isaac Watts, 
 who wrote the book of psalms. Yet the spirit of de- 
 mocracy, as usual, has claimed the honour for one 
 Moulton, or Fulton, I forget which; although it is 
 a notorious fact, that Isaac Watts died before this 
 Fulton was born. This settles the question. But 
 there is no stopping the mouth of a genuine demo- 
 crat. Our course lay upon a river which the Yan- 
 kees call the East river, although, to my certain 
 knowledge, it runs directly West. But it would be 
 tasking the ignorant spirit of democracy too much, to 
 suppose its votaries could possibly teU the points of 
 the compass. Indeed I was credibly informed, that 
 their most experienced navigators universally judge 
 of their course within soundings by the colour of the 
 mud or sand which adheres to the lead, and when this 
 indication fails them, trust to Providence. 
 
 While sitting in a state of indolent and contempt- 
 uous abstraction, with my back to as many of the 
 company as possible, I was roused by a sneeze that I 
 could have sworn to in any part of the world. " It is 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 219 
 
 the c d little Frenchman ! Here's Monsieur Ton- 
 son come again ! " I would as soon have heard the 
 last trumpet as this infernal explosion. In a few min- 
 utes he espied me, and coming up with the most pro- 
 voking expression of old acquaintanceship, offered me 
 a pinch of snuff. " Ah ! monsieur, I am so happy ! 
 Diable! — my friend and I thought we had lost our 
 agreeable companion ; " and, thereupon, he made me 
 a delectable low French bow, that brought his long 
 nose within an inch of the deck. He then left me for 
 a moment, and returned with his friend the veritable 
 communicative traveller, who had the insolence to 
 claim acquaintance, from having travelled a few days 
 in the same stage with me. A good sample of the 
 forward, impudent spirit of democracy! I expected 
 every moment to see the great bandit with his dark 
 lantern, to complete the trio, but for some reason or 
 other he didn't make his appearance. " Ah ! mon- 
 sieur," cried the little Frenchman, " you don't know 
 how we have missed your agreeable society. Diable I 
 1 have not had a good laugh since we parted." Then 
 he offered me a pinch of snuff, a civility which he re- 
 peated at least a hundred times in the course of the 
 day, though I always declined it in the most dignified 
 and contemptuous manner. 
 
 Disgusted with every thing I saw, and most espe- 
 cially with this rencounter, I determined to mortify 
 these free and easy gentry by taking not the least 
 notice of any person whatever, and going without 
 my dinner on purpose to spite them. Many of the 
 women looked hard at me, with an evident desire to 
 be taken notice of; but I always turned my head 
 away, resolved to have nothing to say to them. Sev- 
 
220 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 eral persons also came round, and made attempts to 
 engage me in conversation, but I answered them in 
 monosyllables, and they went away, whistling to hide 
 their mortification. My contempt for the little French- 
 man increased every moment, by observing the pains 
 he took to be agreeable. He talked, laughed, bowed, 
 offered his box to every one that came in his way, 
 and complimented the women, till all were delighted 
 with him, and he seemed as much at home as if he 
 had been born and brought up among them. Despi- 
 cable subserviency! contemptible hypocrisy!, to pre- 
 tend to be pleased with these scum of democracy. 
 
 When the dinner-bell rang I remained on deck, 
 until one of the waiters came up to tell me dinner was 
 ready. I took no notice of him. In a few minutes 
 the little Frenchman assailed me. " Is monsieur iU?" 
 "No!" said I. "No? Eh bien — what is the mat- 
 ter ? Ah ! I guess, as these Yankees say. If mon- 
 sieur has no money, never mind, I wiU pay for his 
 dinner. Come, come." I replied, in great wrath at 
 his infernal mistake, upon which he went down, and, 
 as I afterwards learned, proposed a subscription for a 
 poor passenger, who was obliged to go without his 
 dinner for want of money to pay for it. One may 
 judge of the humanity of these people, from the fact 
 that not one of them contributed a cent. One woman 
 turned up her nose, and exclaimed, " Marry come up 
 — I thought as much ; pride and poverty generally go 
 together." Another declared she would not give a 
 pin to save such a rude humgruffian from starving ; 
 and a third pronounced me a strolling player out of 
 employ. The communicative traveller, on coming up 
 after dinner, endeavoured to comfort me for the loss 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 221 
 
 of my meal, by observing I had not missed much by 
 it. " There is nothing but snatching and quarrelling 
 for the favourite bits, and the ladies did nothing but 
 scold and pull caps. Then, it is just as likely as not, 
 you would have been seated between two greasy 
 enginemen in red flannel shirts, one a negro perhaps, 
 (for they all dine together), who would have made no 
 scruple of gouging one of your eyes out, if you had 
 happened to get possession of one of their tidbits. 
 You were well out of the scrape." Glorious spirit of 
 democracy, thought I to myself. 
 
 Towards evening the boat stopped at a place called 
 the city of Annapolis. Every thing is a city here. A 
 blacksmith's shop, with a church, and a pig-sty, is a 
 city, and must have its corporation, if it be only that 
 that the spirit of democracy may revel in a little brief 
 authority. An office of any kind is their darling, and 
 a whole state will be convulsed about the election of a 
 constable. These elections are generally carried in the 
 last resort by the cudgel and gouging; and I am assured 
 that the number of one-eyed people, and people with 
 black rings round their eyes, is generally doubled by 
 one of these struggles of principle. As we approached 
 the wharf, I was standing among a coil of ropes, with 
 my back toward the great city, when one of these 
 sticklers for equality, in a red flannel shirt, came up 
 and desired me to move out of the way. The fellow 
 was civil enough for that matter, but I only answered 
 his impertinent intrusion with a look of withering 
 contempt. Upon this, he gathered a part of the rope 
 in coils, in his right hand, and when we were ten or a 
 dozen yards from the wharf, threw it with aU his 
 force, with a design to knock down a person who 
 
222 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 stood there. But the chap was too dexterous for him, 
 and caught the end of the rope in his hands, and im- 
 mediately fastened it to a post. The whole brunt of 
 this Yankee joke fell upon me, for my feet being 
 entangled in the end of the rope thus thrown, it 
 tripped up my heels and laid me sprawling on the 
 deck. The little Frenchman officiously helped me 
 up, and offered me a pinch of snuff by way of com- 
 fort ; but as for the democratic gentry, they seemed 
 rather to enjoy the thing, and if the truth was known, 
 I dare say were at the bottom of the joke. I cursed 
 the fellow heartily; but he coolly answered — "'Twas 
 your own fault ; I asked you to get out of the way." 
 So much for the turbulent spirit of democracy. 
 
 I stepped ashore, to escape the giggling of these 
 polite republicans, and rambled to the distance of a 
 couple of hundred yards. WhUe here, I heard a bell 
 toll, and then a hallooing, and saw them making sig- 
 nals for me to come on board ; but I was determined 
 to treat them all with silent contempt, and continued 
 my walk. The shouting continued, and I don't know 
 how far I might have stroUed, if I had not been 
 suddenly roused by the noise of the boat's wheels. 
 Turning round, I found the vessel was fairly under 
 way ; whereupon I condescended to run, and haUoo as 
 hard as I could bawl. After some little delay the 
 wheels were stopped, and a boat was sent to take me 
 on board, where, instead of making an apology, the 
 brute of a captain told me I deserved to have been 
 left behind. " If it had not been for the persuasions 
 of your friend," pointing to the little Frenchman, 
 " you might have staid ashore till next trip, and wel- 
 come." " My friend," exclaimed I, and turned to the 
 
JOHN BTILL IN AMERICA. 223 
 
 officious little mahogany man with a look of wither- 
 ing contempt: whereupon he offered his box, and 
 assured me he would not have lost my charming 
 society for the world. These persevering civilities on 
 his part, and especially this last impertinent interfer- 
 ence, confirmed me in my suspicions that there was a 
 deep-laid plan to rob and murder me the first conve- 
 nient opportunity. What added weight to these ap- 
 prehensions was the fact of my continually detecting 
 him and his companion, the communicative traveller, 
 conferring together, with divers shrugs on the part of 
 the Frenchman, and significant smiles on that of his 
 friend. 
 
 When we came to draw lots for our berths, it was 
 so managed by the captain, (who was no doubt an 
 accomplice), that I drew one in a remote part of the 
 vessel, forward. But, owing to some failure in the 
 plot, the little Frenchman and his companion both 
 drew berths in the cabin abaft, which I perceived dis- 
 concerted them not a little. But they soon rectified 
 the mistake; for upon the complaints of two feeble 
 old gentlemen, that they should find it fatiguing to go 
 into the forward-cabin, the Frenchman seized the pre- 
 text, and, with one of his confounded low bows, 
 offered his berth to one of the cripples, while his com- 
 panion did the same to the other. I saw through all 
 this, and determined to play them a trick, by lying 
 awake all night J;o watch them, with my pistols ready. 
 
 Late in the night, and when all the lights were out, 
 I heard somebody get out of a berth on the opposite 
 side, where the little Frenchman slept. — The person 
 went upon deck, and, after staying a minute or two, 
 groped his way down again, and cautiously ap- 
 
224 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 proached the place where I lay with my pistol 
 cocked. Presently he laid his hand upon my throat, 
 doubtless with an intent to choke me first, and rob 
 me afterwards at leisure. At this instant I fired my 
 pistol, just as the little Frenchman ejaculated in a 
 whisper, " Diable ! I am lost ! " Confusion reigned, 
 lights were brought, and the whole affair was dis- 
 closed. I solemnly charged the little Frenchman, 
 who had escaped my shot, with an attempt to rob 
 and murder me; while he as solemnly asseverated, 
 that he had got up upon a necessary occasion, and, 
 on his return, took the right hand instead of the left, 
 by which means he had encountered my berth, instead 
 of his own which was directly opposite. The passen- 
 gers, captain, and all, being, without doubt, accom- 
 plices in this attempt, sided with the Frenchman; 
 believed every word he said, and gravely advised me 
 to take care how I fired pistols in the cabin of a 
 steam-boat. This was all the satisfaction I got for 
 this nefarious attempt. The little Frenchman even 
 had the assurance to play the injured party, and actu- 
 ally offered to forget and forgive. " It was all a mis- 
 take," said he, " and let us think no more of it." So 
 he offered me a pinch of snuff, which I rejected with 
 dignified contempt. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 225 
 
 CHAPTER V. 
 
 Frog's Neck — Bull -Frogs — Hell -Gate — Impious spirit of democracy — 
 Mode of passing Hell-Gate — Fondness of the Yankees for dying accounted 
 for — Dutch courage — Mr. Robert James — Country seats — Sandy Hook 
 — Navj'-Yard, &c. — Little Frenchman — Author takes lodgings with a 
 gentleman of colour at the Botel des Suitres — Bill of Exchange — Un- 
 principled behaviour of the Yankee merchant — Quarterly Review — 
 Description of New York — Basis of republicanism — Agrarian law — 
 Quarterly — Classification of the citizens of New York — Extensive circu- 
 lation of the Quarterly Review — Gratitude of the people of colour — 
 Beggarly pride of republicanism — Propensity to thieving among the 
 higher classes — Picture of the manners and morals of the people, drawn 
 by the landlord — Quantity of flies and musketoes — Law against killing 
 spiders — Little Frenchman, &o. 
 
 About daylight I was roused by a most horrible 
 noise, which resembled nothing I had ever heard> 
 before. On going upon deck, I perceived the whole 
 surface of the water, as far as the eye could reach, 
 covered with immense buU- frogs, who leaped and 
 croaked, to the infinite delight of these tasteful demo- 
 crats, who were all gathered together to hear this 
 charming concert, which they would prefer to the 
 Commemoration of Handel. Some of the largest of 
 these frogs actually jumped upon deck, and a canoe 
 alongside was nearly upset by three or four of them 
 clambering up its sides, at one and the same time. 
 The place is called Frog's Neck,* and never was there 
 a spot more aptly named. There is a little settle- 
 ment near this, called New Rochelle, peopled by 
 Frenchmen, who were doubtless attracted by the 
 frogs. But such is the ardour of these refined repub- 
 licans for this species of music, that the legislature has 
 
 [• Throg'8 Neck.] 
 15 
 
226 JOHN BtTLL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 enacted a law, making it death to kill one of these 
 delightful musicians. To kiU a man here, is a trifle 
 — but to kiU a frog, is capital ! 
 
 Shortly after leaving Frog's Neck we came to the 
 famous pass of HeU-Gate, as it is impiously called by 
 the profane spirit of democracy. It is the Scilly and 
 Charyhdis of the New World, and nothing but the 
 special protection of Providence can account for the 
 .occasional deliverances that happen to these reckless 
 repubhcans in passing it, which they do every hour of 
 the day and night. As soon as they begin to distin- 
 guish its roaring, which can be heard at a distance of 
 thirty miles except when the frog concert intervenes, 
 all hands, captain, pilot, and the rest, set to and drink 
 apple-brandy, or whiskey, so that, by the time they 
 come to the Hog's Back, they are as drunk as swine. 
 They then lie down flat on their faces and let the 
 vessel take her course. This preparatory tippling is 
 what they impiously call receiving " extreme unction," 
 and preparing for death, which the communicative 
 traveller assured me not more than one out of three 
 on an average escaped. I could not help expressing 
 my wonder that these people should thus recklessly 
 sport with their lives. " O, as to that," replied he, " what 
 with the curse of democracy, the grinding oppressions 
 of unrestrained liberty, together with the total insecu- 
 rity of property under mob law ; and the total inse- 
 curity of person, in consequence of the universal 
 practice of robbery and murder, of which you have 
 had ample experience, — I say, what with all this, 
 ninety-nine in a hundred of these, my wretched coun- 
 trymen, would as soon die as not, and some of them 
 a great deal rather, only to escape the blessings of 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 227 
 
 democracy." " But," said I, " why don't these miser- 
 able creatures say their prayers, and make some little 
 preparation to die like Christians, instead of thus 
 beastifying themselves ? " " O," answered he, with a 
 coolness that made me shudder, " this is what we call 
 Dutch courage; and I assure you, upon my credit, 
 that I never knew a genuine Brother Jonathan who 
 could be brought to face an enemy, or die with 
 decency, unless he had his skin fuU of whiskey, and 
 was well ' corned^ as we say. This was the way in 
 which we gained all our victories last war, both by sea 
 and land." Good, thought I, here is the testimony 
 of one of their own countrymen. Mr. James shall 
 add this to his apologies for Blue and Buff, in his 
 next edition. 
 
 This conversation happened after safely passing this 
 tremendous strait, which we did as it were by mira- 
 cle. Between this and New York, the communicative 
 traveller pointed out to me some two or three of what 
 he called magnificent country-seats, which seemed to 
 me about the size of pigeon-houses. I took no notice 
 of him or them, but affected to be in a fit of abstrac- 
 tion, with my eyes fixed on vacancy. Turning the 
 point of Sandy Hook, we came in fuU sight of the 
 city, its bay, and islands. I saw that several of these 
 people were watching to detect in me some symptoms 
 of surprise or admiration, so I resolved to disappoint 
 them, and turned my back to the city, keeping my 
 eyes fixed on the opposite shore. The communicative 
 traveller, supposing I was looking at the Navy- Yard, 
 where several large ships were lying, observed : " That 
 is the Cyane, near the red store; or perhaps you 
 mean the other — that is the Macedonian ; or perhaps 
 
228 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 you mean the one next her — that is ." I could 
 
 stand it no longer, but was fain to turn round and 
 look at their detestable city. 
 
 When we came near the wharf, the little French- 
 man came up to me with a low bow and the offer of 
 his box as usual. " I hope monsieur, my friend, and 
 myself, shall take lodgings together. As we are 
 strangers in a strange place, 'tis pity we should part. 
 I assure you I shall not rob monsieur," said he, with 
 an impertinent, significant, smile. I told him at last 
 I should lodge that night on board, and depart the 
 next day by the boat in which I came. " What ! " 
 replied he, " is monsieur going to New Orleans again ? 
 But in truth we are sorry to lose your very agree- 
 able company, monsieur, and hope that we shall meet 
 again when you come back from New Orleans." So 
 saying, he bowed profoundly low, and departed, ac- 
 companied by his friend, and by my most devout 
 wishes never to set eyes upon either of them again. 
 
 Desirous to avoid any public attentions, and most 
 especially to escape the honour of being made a citi- 
 zen of New York, which the corporation insist upon 
 bestowing upon every stranger of distinction in order 
 to add some little respectability to their sty of democ- 
 racy, I took a private lodging with a respectable man 
 of colour who kept the Hotel des Huitres in Water 
 street. According to the fashionable London mode, 
 I intended to direct all those who asked my address to 
 the City Hotel, where there is generally such a con- 
 course of people that the bar-keeper never knows the 
 names of half the boarders. My first business, after 
 taking possession of my lodging, was to present a 
 bill of exchange, drawn on one of the most respecta- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 229 
 
 ble merchants here, (if such a term can be applied 
 to a Yankee pedler), by one of our first London 
 bankers. 
 
 I found him in his counting-room, with a jug, (as I 
 presume, of whiskey), at his side, and pretty well 
 " corned," as the communicative traveller says, though 
 it was hardly nine o'clock. He received me with a 
 sort of bear-like republican civility, which I ascribed 
 to the awe in which they stand of Englishmen, to 
 whom they are one and aU indebted more than they 
 ever mean to pay. He read my letter, looked very 
 deliberately at the bill of exchange, and then, folding 
 them both up carefully, offered them to me. " Is it 
 convenient for you," said I, " to cash the bill at once ? " 
 " No sir, not very convenient." " I suppose, then, I 
 must be content with your acceptance at the usual 
 sight." " My good friend, I don't mean to accept it, 
 I assure you." " No, sir ? " said I, bristhng up, for I 
 began to suspect some Yankee trick — " and pray 
 may I take the liberty of asking the reason of this 
 extraordinary conduct ? " " Certainly. The banker 
 who drew this bill, by my last advices is a bankrupt 
 and a swindler. He has no effects in my hands, nor 
 is he ever likely to have. I am sorry for your disap- 
 pointment, but I cannot accept your biU of exchange." 
 I snatched the letter out of his hand and hurried from 
 the room, and my disappointment was almost bal- 
 anced by the pleasure I felt at this early confirmation 
 of my impressions with regard to the character of these 
 republican merchants, who, I was satisfied from read- 
 ing the Quarterly Review, never paid a debt of any 
 kind, there being no law in this country to obUge 
 them. I had no doubt that the story of the drawer 
 
230 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 of my bill, (no less a man than Mr. Henry Fauntle- 
 roy,* who keeps two mistresses, and three splendid 
 establishments), being a bankrupt and swindler, was 
 a fabrication, invented to evade the payment. Such 
 is the universal practice here, and thus is the reputa- 
 tion of half the merchants of Britain ruined in this 
 country. The genuine republican merchant never 
 stops payment and compounds with his creditors, 
 (which they generally do twice or thrice a year), 
 without putting it all upon his correspondents in 
 England, who are, in fact, always the greatest suffer- 
 ers. This story they all make a point of believing, 
 because they all are, or expect soon to be, in the same 
 predicament. It is a proof of the generous credulity 
 of honest John Bull that he stiU continues to trust, 
 and be cheated by, the turbulent spirit of democracy, 
 as the editors of the Quarterly Review justly style it, 
 in their usual strain of genteel irony. 
 
 Relating the story of my disappointment to my 
 worthy landlord, I thought he looked rather shy, as 
 if he expected it to be the prelude to a long score. 
 But I at once satisfied his doubts by showing him a 
 few guineas, and telling him I always paid my bill 
 every Saturday night. He then resumed his con- 
 fidence, and proceeded to let me into the secrets of 
 this unprincipled and profligate city, which, being the 
 general rendezvous of people from all parts of this 
 puissant and polished republic (as the Quarterly 
 calls it), presents at one view a picture of the bless- 
 
 [» The famous case of Heniy Fauntleroy, who forged powers of attorney 
 through which he disposed of three hundred and sixty thousand pounds' 
 worth of Bank of England stock. Arrested Sept. 10th, 1824, tried in October 
 of the same year and found gaUty, he was hanged at Smithfield in the follow- 
 ing November.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 231 
 
 ings of pure and undefiled democracy. That my 
 readers may have the clearer idea of a genuine re- 
 publican city, I shall be more particular in my 
 description, especially as this is considered as the 
 very pink of all the cities of the New World. 
 
 New York, the capital of the state of New Jersey, 
 so called from being originally settled by Yorkshire 
 horse jockeys, is situated on the main land, between 
 two rivers about the size of the Thames, though not 
 quite so large, that being unquestionably the greatest 
 river in the world. That on the east they caU the 
 North, and that on the west, the East river, by a very 
 pardonable blunder, as it would be taxing the spirit 
 of democracy too severely to preserve the least ac- 
 quaintance with such aristocratic trumpery as the 
 points of the compass. The blessings of ignorance 
 constitute the basis of republicanism, as the Quarter- 
 ly says vdth its characteristic wit and humour. 
 
 Most of the houses are buUt of pine boards and 
 generally about half-finished, the owners for the most 
 part stopping payment before the work is completed. 
 There is a great appearance of bustle, but very little 
 business in fact, as the spirit of democracy impels 
 these people to make a great noise about nothing. 
 To see one of their peddling merchants staring about 
 in WaU street, one would suppose he was over- 
 whelmed with the most momentous affairs, when, 
 if the truth was known, his whole morning's business 
 consists in purchasing a dozen birch-brooms, or a 
 pound of wafers. There is also a great appearance of 
 building here, but this is partly owing to the necessity 
 of new houses to replace the old ones, which gener- 
 ally tumble to pieces at the end of three or four 
 
232 , JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 years, and partly to the inveterate habit of emigra- 
 tion characteristic of the restless spirit of democracy, 
 which deters people from remaining long in one 
 place. Hence they are perpetually on the move from 
 one part of the city to another. Sometimes whole 
 streets are deserted in this way, and then, as new 
 buildings become necessary, the cry of these republi- 
 can braggarts, as the Quarterly calls them, is about 
 the number of houses building and the vast increase 
 of the city. Sometimes they pull down a street and 
 build it up again, merely to impose upon strangers an 
 idea of its prosperity, and attract emigrants from 
 England, although those who have been weak enough 
 to come hither for the last six or eight years are, with 
 the exception of a few sent home by the British Con- 
 sul, every soul of them on the parish. 
 
 The people of New York may be divided into three 
 classes, those that beg, those that borrow, and those 
 that steal. Not unfrequently, however, all these pro- 
 fessions are united in one person, as they are a very 
 ingenious people, and almost every man is a sort of 
 Jack-of-all-trades. The beggars constitute about one 
 third of the population, and are supported with great 
 liberality by the other two classes, who, remembering 
 that charity covers a multitude of sins, make use of its 
 broad mantle in this way, and, upon the strength of 
 their alms, claim the privilege of borrowing without 
 ever intending to pay, and robbing Peter to give away 
 to Paul. One of the most popular preachers here is a 
 notorious gambler, but, at the same time, is considered 
 little less than a saint, because he professes to give 
 all his winnings to the poor. Another person, an 
 alderman, generally breaks into a neighbour's house 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 233 
 
 every night, but, as he gives away all his plunder in 
 alms, he is one of the most popular men in the city. 
 Another, who is a judge of the court, generally man- 
 ages to pick the pockets of both the parties in a suit, 
 and the jury think themselves lucky to escape ; yet he 
 is adored for his liberality, and the beggars, who, like 
 the pigs, all vote, talk of running him for the next 
 governor. 
 
 The borrowers consist of the most fashionable por- 
 tion of the community, the people who give parties, 
 ride in their coaches, and hold their heads consider- 
 ably higher than the beggars. The most approved 
 mode of practising this thriving business is this : — A 
 gentleman gives a grand entertainment to a select 
 number of friends, each of whom he manages to in- 
 tercept as he goes out, and makes him pay pretty 
 handsomely for dinner in the shape of a loan. When 
 one set gets tired, he invites another, and so on till his 
 debts amount to suificient to make it worth while, 
 when he affects to stop payment, as he calls it, though 
 he never began yet ; takes the beneiit of the laws for 
 encouraging debt and extravagance ; and, on the 
 score of his numerous charities, is generally recom- 
 mended for some public office. This is the last resort 
 of rogues in this pure republican system, as the Quar- 
 terly affirms. My landlord, the gentleman of colour, 
 who was in the habit of waiting at many of these 
 great dinners, assured me he recollected but a single 
 instance in which the guests escaped paying the piper 
 in this way, when the entertainer let them off, in con- 
 sequence of having picked their pockets at table. I 
 asked him how it happened that the guests did not 
 resent or complain of this treatment. " O," repUed 
 
234 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 he, " it is diamond cut diamond — every one has his 
 •turn, and it amounts to an equal division of property 
 in the end — a republican Agrarian law, as the Quar- 
 terly says." " What, do you read the Quarterly ? " 
 said I. " O yes; we all read Massa Quarterly — he 
 love us people of colour so much." He further as- 
 sured me the people of colour had it one time in con- 
 templation to send out half a dozen of their prettiest 
 ebony lasses to England, that the gentlemen of the 
 Quarterly might have their choice of them for wives. 
 But the ladies of colour, having been persuaded by 
 some of the white belies of fashion, who envied their 
 high destinies, that aU these gentlemen lived in Oruh 
 street, one of the most ungenteel places in all London, 
 turned up their pretty pug noses, and demurred to the 
 proposition. 
 
 I was delighted at this information, which not only 
 proved the extensive circulation of this valuable Re- 
 view, but likewise the gratitude of the people of colour 
 for the exertions of its conductors in their behalf. It 
 is enough to make the eye of philanthropy water, to 
 hear, as I have done, that such is the pride of these 
 beggarly republicans, that they will not admit a gen- 
 tleman or lady of colour to any intimacy of associa>- 
 tion, it being even considered a disgrace to enter 
 into a matrimonial connexion with them! This is 
 another beautiful illustration of the beggarly pride of 
 these upstart republicans, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 The class of pick-pockets, shop-lifters, and thieves 
 of all sorts, is probably the most numerous of the 
 •whole community. Nobody ventures to carry money 
 in his pocket, and when the ladies go out shopping 
 they always hold their purses in their hands. Even 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 235 
 
 this is no security, for it generally happens that they 
 are snatched away before they have gone a hundred 
 yards. One of the shopkeepers here assured me it 
 seldom happened that a lady came into his shop with- 
 out pocketing a piece of lace, a pair of gloves, or 
 something of the kind, provided she could not get at 
 the till. It is the universal practice to search them 
 before they depart ; and, from being used to this, they 
 submit as quietly as lambs. Plenty of company to 
 keep them in countenance, and long habit, render 
 them indifferent to discovery, as the shopman assured 
 me. Two or three ladies came in meanwhile, and 
 were suffered to go away without being searched by 
 the shopman, who, as I found to my cost afterwards, 
 was all this while busily employed in emptying my 
 pockets. Yet, for all this, these bragging republicans 
 boast that it is unnecessary for the country people to 
 lock their doors at night. My landlord assured me 
 that this was the fact, but that it arose from the con- 
 viction that locking them would be of no service, 
 every man, both from education and habit, being ex- 
 ceedingly expert in picking locks. 
 
 " The consequence of all this," continued the wor- 
 thy gentleman of colour, "is a general, I may say 
 irremediable, relaxation of manners, and a total want 
 of prudence and principle in all classes. Drunken- 
 ness, impiety, insolence, extravagance, ignorance, bru- 
 tality, gluttony, and every vice that can disgrace 
 human nature, are the ordinary characteristics of these 
 spawn of filthy democracy, as the Quarterly says; 
 and if tljere be any thing in which these people are 
 not utterly detestable, it is their fondness for oysters, 
 which enables me to get a tolerable livelihood. This 
 
236 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 fondness is sharpened by the exquisite relish of break- 
 ing the laws at the same time that they gratify their 
 appetites — the corporation of the city, for the pur- 
 pose of monopolizing, having enacted that no oysters 
 shall be brought to market, but what they eat them- 
 selves." Nothing, indeed, can equal the tyranny of 
 the laws in this country ; nor would it be possible to 
 live under them, did not the turbulent spirit of demo- 
 cracy compound for itself, by breaking them all with- 
 out ceremony. 
 
 It is another consequence of the relaxation of morals 
 among these virtuous republicans, that the relaxation 
 of the laws is in proportion to the relaxation of morals. 
 To such an extent has this been carried, that these 
 people may be said to have no laws at all. All sorts 
 of crimes are here committed with perfect impunity ; 
 and it is a common saying, that it requires more inter- 
 est to be hanged, than to attain to the highest dignity 
 of the republic. Drunkenness is here the usual and 
 infallible apology for crime ; and as the mass of the 
 people are usually corned, as my friend the communi- 
 cative traveller says, this excuse is seldom out of 
 place. But what puzzled me, after seeing all this, 
 was, that the jails, brideweUs, and penitentiaries, 
 which abound in almost every street, were full of peo- 
 ple. My worthy landlord, however, explained this to 
 my satisfaction, by assuring me that such was the 
 abject poverty and consequent misery of a large por- 
 tion of these patent republicans, (as the Quarterly 
 says), that they actually broke into these receptacles 
 by force, being certain of getting board and lodging 
 for nothing. 
 
 I was struck with the quantity of flies and muske- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 237 
 
 toes, (the latter of which sing most melodiously), 
 that infest the streets and houses all the year round, 
 and fly into one's nose and ears at every convenient 
 opportunity. To remedy this intolerable grievance, 
 there is luckily a species of spider, -which spins across 
 the opening of the ear a web in which these insects 
 are caught. It is no uncommon thing to see half a 
 dozen or more flies and musketoes dangling in the ear 
 of a fine lady. There is a law to prevent the destruc- 
 tion of these spiders, as there is against kilUng the 
 turkey-buzzards, which abound here, and are the only 
 street-scavengers, if we except the citizen-pig freehold- 
 ers, as the Quarterly calls them. 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Total absence of religion — Indivisibility of a king and a divinity, and of 
 democracy and impiety — Examples of the Puritans and Charles the 
 Second — Necessity of wealth, honours, and exclusive privileges, to the 
 very existence of religion — Quarterly — Barbarous love of finery — 
 Mode of procuring it — Ignorance — Story of a blue-stocking' — Lord 
 Bacon — 111 manners — Total neglect of education — American Chancellor 
 of the.Excheqner can't write his name — House of Representatives obliged 
 to have a clerk to read for them ! — Attempt of an English lady to estab- 
 lish a boarding-school, and its result — French dancing-masters, how 
 treated, &c. 
 
 One of the first things that disgusts a pious man, 
 as all Englishmen, particularly English travellers, are, 
 is the horrible profanation of the Sabbath in New 
 York. This contempt of religion and its observances 
 arises partly out of the turbulent spirit of democracy, 
 and partly from the want of a privileged church estab- 
 
238 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 lishment, such as has made Great Britain the bulwark 
 of religion in all ages. There is in the first place 
 such a natural and indivisible association between a 
 king reigning over his people by divine right and 
 Divinity itself, that it is next to impossible a true 
 subject should not be a true believer. On the con- 
 trary, the pure spirit of democracy, which rejects the 
 divine right of kings, will naturally resist every other 
 divine right, and thus it has happened that impiety 
 and rebellion have ever gone hand in hand. Every 
 person versed in the history of England must be fami- 
 liar with innumerable examples of this truth. Waiv- 
 ing a reference to all others, it is sufficient to recoUect 
 the total relaxation of religion and morals which 
 prevailed among the Puritans who rebelled against 
 Charles the Martyr, and the brilliant revival of piety 
 and the Church on the accession of his son. In fact, 
 it is a maxim with all orthodox writers, that a pious 
 people will always be obedient to their sovereign, not 
 so much because he governs well, as because he gov- 
 erns by divine right. 
 
 A few obvious positions will in like manner demon- 
 strate the absolute necessity of a liberally endowed, 
 exclusively privileged, church establishment, like that 
 of England. Money is universally held to be the 
 sinews of war ; and inasmuch as money is essentially 
 necessary to enable the sovereign to defend and main- 
 tain the rights and interests of the government, so is 
 it equally necessary to enable the bishops and digni- 
 taries of the Church to defend the consciences of the 
 people against the dissenters, and aU other enemies of 
 the Church. It is a pure democratic absurdity to sup- 
 pose that men wiU fight for their country from mere 
 
JOHN BULL m AMERICA. 239 
 
 patriotic feelings, or that they will preach for nothing. 
 Hence it is essentially necessary that both should be 
 equally well paid ; for, as the promise of the plunder 
 of a city stimulates the soldier to acts of heroism, so 
 in like manner will the promise of a good living of 
 ten or fifteen thousand sterling a year stimulate the 
 dignitary of the Established Church to fight the good 
 fight of faith the more manfully. 
 
 In fact, as the Quarterly says, " the want of an 
 established church has made the bulk of the people 
 either infidels or fanatics." There will never be any 
 pure religion here, until they have an Archbishop of 
 Armagh with sixty thousand acres of glebe, and a 
 Bishop of Derry with one hundred and fifty thousand. 
 It is these and similar noble establishments in Ireland, 
 that have made the people of that country so ortho- 
 dox, and so devoted to the king. 
 
 This mode of stimulating the zeal of pious digni- 
 taries by wealth and honours is accompanied with 
 other special advantages. In proportion as the hier- 
 archy is enriched by the spoUs of the people, the lat- 
 ter, becoming comparatively poor, are precluded by 
 necessity from indulging in vicious extravagance and 
 corrupt enjoyments. They wiU practise, perforce, ab- 
 stinence, economy, self denial, and the other domestic 
 virtues so essential to the welfare of the lower orders, 
 Hence it is sufficiently obvious that, in proportion as 
 you curtail the superfluities of the commonalty by 
 taxes, tithes, high rents, and poor-rates, you guaranty 
 to them the practice of almost all the cardinal virtues. 
 Again : — In proportion as the people become poor, 
 they will necessarily pay less attention to the educa- 
 tion of their children ; and I fear no denial, except from 
 
240 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 radicals, democrats, and atheists, when I assert, that, 
 considering the mischievous books now in circulation 
 on the subject of liberty and such impieties, the great- 
 est blessing that could possibly happen to the lower 
 orders would be the loss of the dangerous faculty of 
 reading. In no age of the world were this class of 
 people so devoted to the honour of the priests and the 
 glory of their kings, and consequently to the interests 
 of religion and human rights, as when a large portion 
 of them could not read, and were without any prop- 
 erty they could call their own. I appeal to the whole 
 history of mankind for proof of the maxim, that igno- 
 rance and poverty are the two pillars of a privileged 
 church and the divine right of kings. 
 
 It may be urged by radicals, democrats, and unbe- 
 lievers, that the rule which ordains the diminution of 
 certain vices by the absence, equally ordains their pro- 
 portionate increase by the multiplication, of the means 
 of their gratification ; and that, consequently, the rich 
 prelates and nobility must necessarily become corrupt 
 in proportion to the increase of their wealth. But 
 even admitting this to be true, the people are gainers 
 by the arrangement, since, by this means, their sins 
 and transgressions are shifted upon their superiors, 
 who answer the end of a sort of scape-goats, or peace- 
 offerings, under cover of which the poor entirely 
 escape. It is therefore plain, that the more rich and 
 wicked the privileged few become, the more will the 
 lower orders be exempt from the sinful consequences 
 of wealth. Let us hear no more then of the im- 
 pious slang of democracy, as the Quarterly says, 
 which would persuade poor deluded innocence and 
 ignorance that equal rights and a general diffusion of 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 241 
 
 knowledge answer any other end than to make peo- 
 ple thieves, murderers, gougers, bundlers, unbelievers, 
 blasphemers, rowdies, and regulators, and, to sum up 
 all in one word, republicans. 
 
 When it is recollected, therefore, that the essence 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy consists in the 
 rejection of not only the divine right of the king, but 
 of the equally divine right of the bishops and deans 
 and archdeacons to their thousands a year, it will 
 readily be conceded that a pure republican cannot 
 possibly have any religion. Accordingly, as I before 
 observed, the first thing that strikes a stranger who is 
 used to the exemplary modes of keeping the Sabbath 
 in London and all other parts of England, is the total 
 neglect of that day in every portion of the United 
 States. In New York, indeed, there are plenty of 
 churches, but they were all built before the millennium 
 of democracy, as the Quarterly says, and under the 
 pious auspices of our Established Church. The first 
 thing these blessed republicans did when they returned 
 to the city, on the conclusion of the peace, was to break 
 aU the church- windows, and broken they have remained 
 ever since. One steeple has a ring of eight copper 
 kettles, instead of beUs, which being rung by the old 
 deaf sexton, gives singular satisfaction to the com- 
 monalty — I beg pardon — the sovereign people — 
 who assemble on Sundays to dance to the music in 
 front of the church. As to going to church to hear 
 divine service, nobody pretends to such anti-republi- 
 can foolery. The shops are all kept open on Sun- 
 days, so that one can see no difference between that 
 and any other day, except that the good folks drink 
 twice as much whiskey, and put on their newest 
 
 16 
 
242 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 suits, in which they stagger about with infinite digni- 
 ty, until finally they generally tumble into the gutter, 
 spoil their finery, and sleep themselves sober. Such 
 are the genuine habits of the turbulent spirit of de- 
 mocracy, as the Quarterly says. My worthy landlord 
 assured me that the African church was the only one 
 in which there was a chance of hearing a sermon, and 
 that even there the whole congregation was sometimes 
 taken up and carried to the watch-house, under pre- 
 tence that they disturbed the neighbourhood with 
 their groanings, bowlings, and other demonstrations 
 of genuine piety. The true reason was, however, 
 that these bundling, gouging democrats, as the Quar- 
 terly calls them, have such a bitter hostility to all sorts 
 of religion, that they cannot bear that even the poor 
 negroes should sing psalms. However, as it is the 
 first duty of a Christian to hide the faults, and draw 
 a veil over the transgressions, of his fellow-men, I 
 shall abstain from any further comments on the horri- 
 ble depravity of republicanism in general, and Yankee 
 republicanism in particular. But I must not omit to 
 mention that, in this, as well as every other town in 
 the United States, there is a society for the propaga- 
 tion of unbelief, secretly supported by the govern- 
 ment, most of the principal officers of which are 
 members. Their exertions were inveterate and un- 
 ceasing, and they displayed the same zeal in making 
 an atheist of a devout Christian that we do in the 
 conversion of a Jew. Of late these societies have 
 remitted their labours, in consequence of there being 
 no more Christians to work upon. 
 
 The love of dress, glitter, and parade, is one of the 
 characteristics of a rude and republican people; of 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 243 
 
 course we see it displayed here in all its barbarous 
 extravagance. Every thing they can beg, borrow, 
 hire, or steal, is put on their backs, and a fine lady 
 somewhat resembles a vessel dressed in the colours of 
 an nations. It is impossible to teU what flag she sails 
 under. This finery is for the most part hired by the 
 day, of the milliners and pawn-brokers, and there are 
 dresses which can be had at from two shillings to a 
 doUar a day. The first young ladies of the city, who 
 never know their own minds, but always " guess " at 
 it, as the Quarterly says, principally figure in these 
 hired dresses ; and it is by no means uncommon for 
 one of them to be hauled out of the City Assembly or 
 a fashionable party by a pawn-broker, in consequence 
 of having kept the dress longer than the time speci- 
 fied. One might suppose such an accident would 
 disturb the harmony of the company, but the other 
 young ladies continue to dance away without taking 
 any notice of the unfortunate Cinderella thus stripped 
 of her finery, or perhaps content themselves with 
 guessing what the matter may be. I ought to men- 
 tion here, that, though the young ladies always 
 " guess," the young gentlemen are commonly given to 
 " reckoning " upon a thing — a phrase which becomes 
 exceedingly familiar by a long habit of running up 
 scores at taverns. 
 
 Notwithstanding aU the cant and boasting of these 
 turbulent democrats about the necessity of education 
 to self-government, the general diffusion of intelli- 
 gence, and all that sort of thing, it is most amazing to 
 see the ignorance of the best-educated people here. A 
 young lady of the first fashion who can read writing, 
 is considered a phenomenon ; while she who has read 
 
244 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Lord Byron is held a blue-stocking, and avoided by 
 all the dandies for fear she shoiild puzzle them with 
 her learning. Such, indeed, is the natural antipathy 
 of genuine republicanism to all sorts of literature, that 
 the only possible way of teaching the little children 
 their a, b, c, is by appealing to their inordinate appe- 
 tites, in the shape of gingerbread letters weU sweet- 
 ened with molasses. The seduction is irresistible, for 
 no genuine Yankee republican can make head against 
 treacle. I, one night at a literary party, happened to 
 mention some opinion from Lord Bacon * to a young 
 lady who had the reputation of being rather blue. 
 " Bacon, bacon ? " — replied she briskly — "01 I guess 
 we call it gammon. But we don't put ' Lord ' to it, 
 because it's anti-republican." I took occasion to ap- 
 prise her, with as little appearance of contempt as 
 possible, that our Bacon was not gammon, nor ham, 
 but no less a personage than the present Lord Chan- 
 cellor of England, the sole inventor and propounder 
 of human reason and the noble art of philosophy. " I 
 guess he must have made a power of money by it," 
 said the learned lady. " Did he get a patten for his 
 invention ? We always get pattens for any great dis- 
 coveries in Jmerrykey." Upon this she started up, 
 ran giggling over to some of her set, and continued the 
 whole evening laughing at me, thus joining ill-man- 
 ners to ignorance. But what can you expect from a 
 gang of barbarians, among whom learning is consid- 
 ered anti-republican, as the young lady said ; where, to 
 be able to read is an insuperable obstacle to promo- 
 tion, and where the present Chancellor of the Excheq- 
 
 [* " Lord" Bacon, so generally styled, was properly Francis Bacon, Vis- 
 count St. Albans and Baron Verulam.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 245 
 
 uer of the United States, who is considered as one of 
 their best scholars, signs his name with a facsimile — 
 that is, by deputy ? This deputy they were obliged to 
 send to England for, on account of the few persons 
 who could write being all engaged in forging the sig- 
 natures of bank notes. Even the House of Eepresenta- 
 tives, where all the wisdom and learning of the nation 
 assembles, is obliged to employ a clerk to read the 
 papers, messages, &c., for the edification of the coun- 
 try members, whose education has been neglected in 
 that respect. 
 
 To sum up my remarks on the subject of literature 
 here, I may say, with perfect truth and impartiality, 
 that the education of youth consists in learning to 
 drink whiskey, eat tobacco, love dirt and debauchery, 
 despise religion, and hate kings. An English lady 
 attempted to establish a boarding-school for young 
 ladies a few years ago, but the genius of democracy 
 would not submit to her salutary restrictions. The 
 young ladies first pouted ; then broke into the kitchen, 
 where they devoured all they could find, and came 
 very near eating up the black cook ; and finally set 
 fire to the house, and ran away by the light of it: 
 since which nobody has been hardy enough to set up 
 a school for young ladies, except two or three despe- 
 rate Frenchmen. These confine themselves to teach- 
 ing them dancing, which, being an art congenial 
 to savages, they acquire with considerable docility. 
 They sometimes, to be sure, pommel the poor French- 
 men black and blue with the heels of their shoes ; but 
 candour obliges me to state, that I never heard of 
 their tearing the dancing-master in pieces, or eating 
 him up alive. 
 
246 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 CHAPTER Vn. 
 
 Quotations from the Quarterly — Poverty of invention and want of original- 
 ity of republicans — Dr. Watts — Emigrants, their situation here — 
 Story of one — Author advises him to go home and tell his story to the 
 editor of the Quarterly — Promises him a free passage to England — Re- 
 flections, &c. 
 
 One may truly say, with the Quarterly,* "the 
 scum of all the earth is drifted into New York," not- 
 withstanding what Miss Wright and Captain Hall f 
 may affirm to the contrary, in their " prostitute rhap- 
 sodies, and flippant farragoes of impiety, malevolence, 
 and radical trash," as the Quarterly says. " Godless 
 reprobates, brutal and ferocious tyrants, thieves, swind- 
 lers, and murderers," as the Quarterly says, " make up 
 the mass of the population." " Robberies, burglaries, 
 and attempts at murder, disgrace the city every day ; 
 and one cannot walk the streets in the daylight, with- 
 out seeing fellows lie in the gutters, with broken legs, 
 arms, &c., who continue, day after day, without being 
 noticed by the nightly watch or the open eye of hu- 
 manity, to roast in the sun, and be devoured by the 
 flies," as the Quarterly says. Indeed, I can safely, 
 and from experience, affirm that the Quarterly is per- 
 fectly justified in asserting that, " Insolence of de- 
 meanour is mistaken for high-minded independence ; " 
 that no reputable English traveller ever saw man, 
 woman, or child, blush here, except, it might be, 
 English people not yet properly acclimated ; that the 
 speeches of lawyers and members of Congress are all 
 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. Ed. 
 
 t Captain Francis Hall ofthe Light Dragoons. 1837. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 247 
 
 jargon and nonsense; that the preachers of the gos- 
 pel bellow out their sermons in their shirt sleeves; 
 that the judges are, for the most part, worse criminals 
 than those they try; that dogs are trained to hunt 
 young negroes, instead of to point game; that men, 
 women, children, negroes, strangers, congregate to- 
 gether at night, in one room ; that not one in ten of 
 the slaves dies a natural death, they being, for the 
 most part, whipped till they mortify and the flies eat 
 them ; that the moral air is putrid ; that the land is all 
 hung up in the air to dry ; that the air is one animated 
 region of flies, musketoes, and other noxious insects ; 
 and that such is the influence of the turbulent spirit 
 of democracy, not only upon the moral and physical 
 qualities of the people, but upon the very elements 
 themselves, that the latter are not less perverted than 
 the former. AU this I am ready to swear to, and so 
 is the Quarterly Review. Respect for the precept of 
 our pure BngUsh orthodoxy which inculcates charity 
 and good-will to aU men prevents my indulging 
 any further upon this topic. For the present, I shall 
 content myself with summing up the characters of 
 these patent republicans, in the words of the Quar- 
 terly. 
 
 " Fools must not come here, for the Americans are 
 naturally cold, jealous, suspicious, and knavish — 
 without any sense of honour. They believe every 
 man a rogue until they see the contrary — and there 
 is no other way of managing them except by bully- 
 ing. They have nothing original ; all that is good or 
 new is done by foreigners, and yet they boast eter- 
 nally." * In proof of this I may add, that they claim 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
248 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 every thing, and have even attempted, as I before 
 observed, to rob poor Dr. "Watts of the credit of hav- 
 ing invented the steam-boat. I have little doubt but 
 they will lay claim to his psalm-book before long. 
 There is every day some invention trumped up here, 
 which has been exploded and forgotten in England, 
 and for which a patent is procured without any diffi- 
 culty. It is only to swear to its originality, and that 
 is a ceremony which no genuine republican will hesi- 
 tate a moment in going through. This city is full of 
 foreigners; but what can possibly induce them to 
 come here, I cannot conceive. I have not met with 
 a single Englishman that was not grumbling at his 
 situation, and discontented with every thing around 
 him. The inns are filthy — the boarding-houses not 
 fit to live in — the waiters negligent and saucy — the 
 wines poison — and the cooking execrable. Yet they 
 remain here with an unwarrantable pertinacity, in 
 spite, not only of the Quarterly, but of the bitter les- 
 sons of experience they receive every hour. 
 
 One morning as I was walking up Chestnut street, 
 the principal promenade in New York, I saw a poor 
 drunken fellow wallowing in the gutter, and talking 
 to himself about Old England. This circumstance, 
 together with his dialect, which partook somewhat of 
 the Yorkshire purity, excited my curiosity and com- 
 miseration. I helped him up, conducted him to my 
 lodgings, and put him to bed to sleep himself sober. 
 After he awoke and had refreshed himself with a 
 dozen stewed oysters, I inquired his history. His 
 tale so happily illustrates the common fate of English 
 emigrants to this El Dorado, (as the Quarterly calls 
 it), that I shall give it in his own words, as nearly as 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 249 
 
 possible. The poor man could neither read nor write, 
 and had been, as wiU be perceived, the dupe of those 
 interested speculators and agents of this government, 
 who write books to deceive the ignorant and unwary- 
 English. 
 
 " I was very comfortably situated in Old England, 
 the land of liberty religion and roast beef, except that 
 one fourth of my earnings went to the tax-gatherer, 
 another to the poor-rates, and another to the parson 
 and landlord. But still, as I said before, I was happy 
 and contented ; when I happened to read Mr. Birk- 
 beck's ' radical trash,' as the Quarterly says, which 
 turned my head, and put me quite out of conceit with 
 the blessings of English roast beef and English liberty. 
 About this time the man came round'to tax my house, 
 my land, my horses, oxen, cattle, servants, windows, 
 and a dozen or two more small matters. A little 
 while after, the parson sent for his tithes, the landlord 
 for his rent, and the overseers of the poor for the poor- 
 rates. All these, coming just upon the back of Mr. 
 Birkbeck's mischievous book, put me quite out of 
 patience, so I made up my mind to emigrate to 
 America. 
 
 " I sold off all that I had, turned it into English 
 guineas, and went down to Liverpool, where I took 
 passage. Supposing I should have no use for money 
 in the States, after paying my passage I spent the 
 rest in treating my fellow-passengers at the tavern, 
 and set sail, with empty pockets, yet full of spirits. 
 The Captain was a full-blooded Yankee democrat, 
 and the greatest little tyrant in the world. He held 
 that it was much better to steal than to labour,* and, 
 * Vide 68Ui No. of the Quarterly. 
 
250 JOHN BULL m AMERICA. 
 
 by way of illustrating his theory, robbed me of twenty 
 guineas on the passage. On my remonstrating with 
 him, he told me that it was the universal custom of 
 his country, and I might make it up on my arrival in 
 New York, by robbing the first man I met with. 
 
 " Our passage was long, and, as the Captain had 
 not laid in half enough provisions, we were obliged to 
 cast lots at the end of a fortnight, who should be 
 killed and eaten. The first lot fell upon me, but I 
 bribed a poor simple Yankee, with a guinea, to take 
 my place. Our Captain insisted upon the privilege 
 of knocking the man on the head, it being one of his 
 greatest delights ; there was nothing he preferred to 
 it, except hunting little people of colour with blood- 
 hounds. Out of ten passengers in the steerage, I was 
 the only one that got to New York alive, the rest being 
 all killed and eaten. When I stepped ashore, I was 
 so hungry, and had got such an inveterate habit of 
 eating human flesh, that I immediately leiid hold of a 
 fat fellow, and bit a piece out of his cheek. Un- 
 luckily he turned out to be an alderman, and I was 
 forthwith taken to the Bridewell,* where I made 
 acquaintance with several of the most fashionable peo- 
 ple of the city, who generally spend a part of their 
 time there. I had read of this in the Quarterly, but 
 did not believe it tiU now ; and, when I get home to 
 Old England, I intend to publish it all in a book of 
 travels. I shall make a good round sum by it, if I 
 can only get one of the Reviewers to write it down 
 for me, and say a good word in the way of criticism. 
 
 [* The Bridewell, in the City Hall park, was a place of detention for 
 persons arrested on a charge of crime or misdemeanor; also, for persons sen- 
 tenced to short terms of imprisonment.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 251 
 
 " The Bridewell is a pleasant place enough. Once 
 a week they have an assembly ; on Sunday they play 
 at aU-fours; and every day in the week they tipple 
 delightfully, in company with the judges of the court, 
 the corporation, and a select number of the clergy. 
 For my part, I should not have minded spending the 
 rest of my days there ; but this was too great a luxury. 
 So I was turned out at the end of a fortnight, to 
 make room for a lady of fashion, who was caught 
 stealing a pig in Broadway. From the Bridewell I 
 went sauntering down the street, expecting every 
 moment that some one would call out to me to come 
 and do some Uttle job, and pay me a dollar for it. 
 But I might hkve saved myself the trouble, for not a 
 soul took the least notice of me, until at last an honest 
 fellow slapped me on the shoulder, called me coun- 
 tryman, and asked me into a tavern to take a swipes. 
 
 " Having been somewhat corrupted by the fashion- 
 able society in Bridewell, I suffered myself to be 
 seduced, and went in with him. Here, while we sat 
 drinking, I told him my situation, and the diificulty I 
 had in getting employment. He asked me if I was 
 a sober man, and on my assuring him I never drank 
 any thing stronger than water, exclaimed, ' By my soul, 
 brother, but that is the very reason. Nobody ever 
 thinks of employing a sober man here; and if you 
 look for work till doomsday, you will never find it 
 unless you qualify yourself by seeing double, by which 
 means you'll get two jobs for one.' I told him I had 
 no money, and, if I had, nothing should tempt me to 
 drink. ' Oho ! ' cried he, ' You've no money to pay 
 your shot, eh ? ' So he fell upon me, and gouged out 
 both my eyes, besides biting off a good part of my 
 
252 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 nose, under pretence that I had sponged upon him, as 
 he called it ; but the landlord afterward assured me it 
 was only because I would not drink, it being the cus- 
 tom here to beat people to death, or roast them alive, 
 if they won't get drunk. 
 
 " Finding it was the custom of the country, and 
 that there was no getting along without it, and that 
 drink I must or starve, I took to the bottle, and soon 
 got employment in sweeping the streets, and in other 
 miscellaneous matters. Agreeably to the good old 
 meixims of English prudence, I determined, in my own 
 mind, to drink up only three fourths of my wages, 
 and save the rest to buy a farm in the western coun- 
 try, where I intended to go and set up for a member 
 of Congress, when I had qualified myself by being 
 able to walk a crack after swallowing half a gallon of 
 whiskey. But my prudential resolves were of no 
 avail, for the gentlemen-sweepers told me it was 
 against the law to save our wages. On my demur- 
 ring to this, they took me before the judge, who de- 
 creed me a beating, besides taking away the money I 
 had saved, which he laid out in liquor, and we got 
 merry together. 
 
 " Seeing there was no use in laying up money, I 
 thought it best to follow the custom, and, from that 
 time, regularly spent at night what I earned during 
 the day. I led a jolly life of it, but it was, like the 
 Bridewell, too good to last for ever. I fell sick, ow- 
 ing to the unhealthiness of the climate, which causes 
 a large portion of the people to die ofT every year. 
 They carried me to the hospital, where they would 
 not give me a mouthful of liquor ; kept me upon soup- 
 diet, and cut oflF my leg with a handsaw, by way of 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 253 
 
 experiment. How I ever got well, and got my leg on 
 again, I can not tell ; but you wiU hardly believe it, 
 when I assure you, that, after keeping me here in per- 
 fect idleness for six weeks, and curing me, they most 
 inhumanly turned me out into the streets to begin the 
 world again ! That emigrants to this land of promise 
 should be obliged to work for a living was too bad, 
 and I determined not to submit to such an imposi- 
 tion ; so I snapped my fingers at them, swore I would 
 see them hanged first, and threatened them with the 
 vengeance of the Quarterly. ' This is a pretty free 
 country, to be sure,' said I, ' where a poor emigrant is 
 obliged to work for a living.' 
 
 " Walking in a melancholy mood down the street, 
 I all at once thought of what the captain of the 
 Yankee ship told me, about its being the universal 
 opinion and practice here, that it was much easier to 
 get a thing by stealing than working for it. This 
 sophistry of the captain corrupted me on the spot, and 
 I took the first opportunity of putting the theory into 
 practice by cabbaging out of a window a watch 
 which hung so invitingly that I could not resist the 
 temptation. I put it into my pocket till I got to 
 the church, where I pulled it out in order to set it by 
 the clock. Just at that moment a fellow, with all the 
 characteristic insolence of democracy, (as the Quarterly 
 says), laid hold of me and the watch, and, before I 
 could muster presence of mind to knock the impudent 
 rascal down, lugged me off into court, where I was 
 examined and committed. Instead of enjoying myself 
 in jail for a year or two, according to the custom of 
 Old England, before trial, I was brought up the very 
 next day, tried, sentenced, and accommodated for 
 
254 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 three years in the state-prison, before I could say Jack 
 Robinson. It was in vain I pleaded the custom of 
 the country, and appealed to the sacred name of lib- 
 erty, and the authority of the Yankee captain. The 
 judge cooUy told me that the custom of the country 
 applied only to natives, and that, not being even 
 naturalized, I deserved more exemplary punishment 
 for trespassing upon the peculiar privileges of the free- 
 born sons of liberty. ' By the time you get out of 
 prison,' said his honour, ' you will be qualified for citi- 
 zenship, and may then steal as many watches as you 
 please.' I bowed, thanked his lordship — who, by the 
 way, (only think!), wore neither gown nor wig — and 
 withdrew to go through my initiation into citizenship. 
 " People may talk of the state-prison, but, for my 
 part, if any thing could tempt me longer to breathe 
 the pure air of liberty in this land of hog-steaUng 
 judges* and shoe-making magistrates, it would be 
 the hope of spending three more such happy years. 
 I had plenty of meat every day, (which, to a hard- 
 working man of the land of roast beef, was enchant- 
 ing, if only on account of its novelty), and did not 
 work half so hard as at home. As for the loss of 
 liberty, any person who reads the Quarterly must con- 
 sider that a great blessing. They were obliged to 
 turn me out neck and heels, at the end of my deUght- 
 ful seclusion. In revenge I picked the turnkey's 
 pocket, got gloriously fuddled, and was ruminating in 
 delightful recollections of Old England, when your 
 lordship found me, and carried me home with you. 
 By the way, I should like a few more of those capital 
 oysters. To make an end, I am now balancing 
 * Vide 58 No. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 255 
 
 whether I shall take out my citizenship, and thus 
 qualify myself for the Yankee mode of sporting ; steal 
 another watch before I become privileged, and so get 
 into that paradise, the state-prison, again ; or apply for 
 a free passage to the land of liberty and roast beef. 
 They tell me I shall be provided for, if I wUl give a 
 certificate that it is impossible for an English emi- 
 grant to exist in this country. For my part, I am not 
 particular, and am ready to say, or swear to, any 
 thing, to be revenged on these bloody Yankees, who 
 first put a man in jail, and then turn him out again, 
 against all the rules of liberty and good government." 
 I advised the poor man to go home to England, and 
 promised to get him a free passage. I also gave him 
 a letter to the editor of the Quarterly, requesting 
 him to take down his story, and make an article of 
 it in his next number, for the purpose of deterring all 
 his deluded countrymen from adventuring to this land 
 of bundling, gouging, guessing, and democracy. The 
 fate of this poor, deluded, honest, and industrious 
 emigrant, ought to be a warning to all those who sigh 
 for the blessings of pure democracy, and believe in 
 the impious radical slang of Miss Wright, Captain 
 Hall, Birkbeck, and the rest of the polluted, putrid, 
 pestilent, radical fry, as the Quarterly says. The best 
 of these English emigrants are actually obliged to 
 work for a living, and, if they are not lucky enough to 
 get into the Bridewell or state-prison, more than two 
 thirds of them actually steurve to death. 
 
256 
 
 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 CHAPTER Vm. 
 
 Seeming inconsistencies and contradictions in this country — Explanation of 
 these — Park — Batteiy — Sunday amusements — Spirit of democracy — 
 Impiety — Specimens of republican conversation — Theatre — American 
 play — American Koscins — Kean — Cooke — Cooke a great favourite, 
 and why — Plays and actors, all English — Little Frenchman! — Author 
 changes his lodging — Attempt to rob and murder him by the little 
 Frenchman and his companion — Spirit of democracy. 
 
 The more I see of the people of this country, the 
 more I am struck with the seeming inconsistencies 
 that I every day encounter. That they are the great- 
 est cowards in existence is clear from the repeated 
 assertions of the Quarterly ; yet they are continually 
 fighting and quarrelling. That they are utterly desti- 
 tute of every feeling of personal honour * is proved 
 by the same authority ; and yet the young men are 
 all duellists, and risk their lives every day upon the 
 point of honour. There is no country in the world, 
 as I have before stated, where thieving, house-break- 
 ing, and murder, are so common, and yet the shop- 
 keepers hang out their richest goods at the doors and 
 windows ; the housewives leave their clothes out all 
 night to bleach or dry ; the country people leave their 
 implements in the fields without scruple, and there is 
 a general carelessness in this respect, which would 
 seem to indicate an honest and virtuous people. But 
 a little study and attention soon lets one into the 
 secret of all this, and the explanation becomes per- 
 fectly easy. 
 
 That quarrelsome people, and those who run wan- 
 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 257 
 
 tonly into danger, are, for the most part, cowards, is 
 demonstrable. He, for instance, that seeks to quarrel, 
 seeks to fight — he that seeks to fight, seeks to die — 
 he that seeks to die, seeks never to fight more — and 
 he that seeks never to fight more, is a coward. To 
 explain the seeming contradiction to the old maxim, 
 that knavery is always suspicious of others, it is only 
 necessary to refer to the fact, that people careless of 
 their own property are generally the most apt to make 
 free with that of others, and this constitutes the very 
 essence of the spirit of democracy. The people don't 
 mind being robbed, because they can easily reimburse 
 themselves by plundering their neighbours of twice 
 the amount. Indeed, such is the inveterate passion 
 for pilfering, that it is no uncommon thing for a man. 
 to rob himself, that he may have an excuse for mak- 
 ing reprisals upon his friends. On one occasion I 
 went into a jeweller's shop, which I found deserted 
 by every body. After staying long enough to have 
 filled my pockets with jewels, the shopman came in, 
 and, glancing his eyes round to see if all was safe, 
 seemed very much mortified that I had not robbed 
 him. I heard him mutter to himself, " one of your 
 
 d d honest Englishmen." 
 
 It is in this manner that the society of which the 
 pure spirit of democracy forms the basis is consti- 
 tuted ; and this is what is practically meant by equal 
 rights. It puzzled me at first, how a society so con- 
 stituted could possibly subsist for any length of time. 
 But the wonder is easily explained. To be free, a 
 people must be in a state of barbarity — to be in 
 a state of barbarity, is to approach to a state of na- 
 ture — to approach to a state of nature, is to come 
 
 17 
 
258 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 near it — to come very near it, is to be on the verge 
 — and to be on the verge, is ten to one to fall in. 
 Hence a free people must be in a state of nature, 
 where we know all things are in common, and conse- 
 quently all men thieves. If it be urged, that a people 
 in a state of nature can have no system of laws, I 
 answer that there is no essential difference between a 
 people who have no laws, and a people who pay no 
 regard to them. The pure spirit of democracy is 
 nothing but a state of nature, as the Quarterly has 
 sufficiently proved; and the people of this country 
 are all bundling, gouging, scalping, guessing, spitting, 
 swearing, unbelieving democrats.* 
 
 In my various walks about the city, I visited the 
 Park, as it is called, and the Battery, the pride and 
 boast of these modest republicans. The Park is situ- 
 ated at the intersection of Hudson and Duane streets, 
 and is very nearly, or quite, large enough for bleach- 
 ing a pair of sheets and a piUow-case all at once. 
 Judging from newspaper puffs, you would suppose it 
 was an elegant promenade, encompassed with iron 
 railing ; but I may hope to be believed when I assure 
 my readers that no one walks there but pigs and 
 washer-women, and that the part of the fence which 
 still remains is nothing but pine. There is no other 
 park in the city. But the Battery ! O, you should 
 see the Battery — for seeing is believing. I visited it 
 on Sunday afternoon, when I was told I should see 
 it in all its glory. I saw what we should call a 
 wharf, jutting out into a sluggish puddle about half 
 a quarter of a mile wide, which they call a bay. On 
 this wharf were a few poles stuck up — they had no 
 
 * Vide No. 68. Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 259 
 
 leaves or limbs, but I was assured they would grow 
 in time. Here I saw hundreds, not to say thousands, 
 of people, strutting, or rather staggering, about in 
 dirty iinery — some hugging and kissing each other 
 with the most nauseating publicity — others singing 
 indecent and impious songs — but the majority of 
 them, in the true spirit of democracy, gouging and 
 dirking each other for amusement. In one corner 
 might be seen a group wallowing and rolling about 
 in the mud like drunken swine — in another, half a 
 dozen poor wretches gouged or dirked, writhing in 
 agony amid the shouts of the people — and in a third, 
 a heap of miserable victims in the last stage of yellow 
 fever. Nobody evinced the least sympathy for them, 
 and here no doubt they perished with a burning fever, 
 exposed to a broUing sun, with the thermometer at 
 110 degrees, the usual temperature of this climate, 
 winter and summer. Here they remained to have 
 their eyes stung out by musketoes while living, and 
 to be devoured by flies when dead. I shuddered at 
 the scene, and turned to .another quarter, in hopes 
 of seeing a boxing match, or some polite, refined ex- 
 hibition — but in vain. Such is the celebrated prome- 
 nade of the Battery at New York; such the Sunday 
 amusements of enlightened and virtuous democracy ! 
 Nothing could equal the gross and vulgar impiety of 
 their conversation, of which the following specimens 
 will furnish an illustration : — 
 
 No. 1. — " Well, neighbour, how d'ye get on ? " 
 
 " O, by degrees, as lawyers go to heaven I" 
 
 No. 2. — " When do you go out of town ? " 
 
 " Why, I think of going to-morrow, God 
 willing" 
 
260 JOHN BULL IN AMEUICA. 
 
 No. 3. — "Bless my soul, neighbour, where have 
 you sprung from ? " 
 " Why, Lord love you, I sprung from the 
 clouds, like Methuselah ! " 
 
 No. 4. — " Well, friend, how does the good woman 
 to-day?" 
 " Why, thank you, she complains of being 
 a little better 1 " 
 
 Enough of this. One's blood runs cold at such 
 impious profanity. Indeed, the people are, one and 
 all, grossly indelicate and impious in conversation, as 
 the Quarterly says.* 
 
 To vary the scene, and to obliterate in some degree 
 the painful impressions occasioned by the groups I 
 have attempted to describe, I strolled into the play- 
 house, which is always open on Sundays, from ten in 
 the morning till any time the next day. But I only 
 got out of the frying-pan into the fire, for such a bear- 
 garden never Christian man unluckily entered. The 
 theatref is nothing more than a barn, abandoned by 
 the owner as not worth being rebuilt, with a thatched 
 roof, and stalls for a good number of cattle, which 
 are now converted into boxes for the beau monde. 
 The hay-mow is now the gallery, and the rest is all 
 boxes. Shakspeare being considered anti-republican, 
 and the English dramatists being generally unpopular, 
 the exhibition consisted of a drama, the production 
 of a first-rate republican genius. The plot cannot be 
 unravelled by mortal man ; but the catastrophe con- 
 sisted in a drinking-bout between some three or four 
 
 • Vide No. 68, Eng. Ed. 
 
 [t The Park theatre, burnt in 1820, rebuilt in 1821, was, about this time, 
 in the ftiB tide of prosperity.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 261 
 
 admirers, for the possession of the heroine. It is to 
 be understood that there is no sham here. All is real 
 drinking ; the audience wiU endure nothing less, and 
 the pleasure consists in the actors aU getting reaUy 
 and substantially drunk. This is what the best re- 
 publican critics call copying life and manners, of 
 which the aggregate here consists in drunkenness, im- 
 piety, and debauchery.* The successful hero, who 
 carried off the lady, swallowed three quarts of whis- 
 key, the only liquor considered classical, and such was 
 the delight of the audience, that one and all cried out, 
 " Encore ! encore ! let him drink three more ! " The 
 hero, however, hiccoughed an apology, hoping the 
 audience would excuse the repetition. He is consid- 
 ered the Roscius of the age, and thought far superior 
 to Kean, or Cooke, though the latter w^as rather a 
 favourite, on account of his once having paid court to 
 the national taste, by performing the character of Cato, 
 elegantly drunk. This they called the true concep- 
 tion of the part, it being utterly impossible to admit 
 the idea of a sober patriot or republican. The notion 
 savours of aristocracy, and one would run the risk 
 of being tarred and feathered, by suggesting such a 
 heterodoxy in politics. 
 
 It is one of the most unanswerable proofs of that 
 total want of genius, invention, and originality, with 
 which these people have been justly charged, that the 
 plays represented at this theatre, and throughout the 
 whole of the United States, are entirely of British 
 manufacture. Were it not for Shakspeare, Milton, 
 Newton, Locke, Bacon, Professor Porson, and a few 
 more illustrious English dramatic writers, the theatres 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 68, Eng. Ed. 
 
262 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 in this country could not exist, Shakspeare's Tom 
 and Jerry is played over and over again, night after 
 night; and Bacon's Abridgment as often, if not 
 oftener. Another proof is, that they import aU their 
 actors from England, it being a singular fact, that, 
 although the people are actually drunk two thirds of 
 the time, in their poverty of intellect they cannot play 
 the character of a tippler with any remote resem- 
 blance to nature. They seem, indeed, destined to put 
 aU old maxims to rout, and among the rest that of 
 " Practice makes perfect ; " since none are so fre- 
 quently intoxicated, and yet none play the character 
 with so little discrimination. 
 
 While indulging in comparisons connected with 
 the superiority of Englishmen, English horses, dogs, 
 beer, beef, statesmen, reviewers, travellers, poets, pick- 
 pockets, philanthropists, tipplers, and tragedians, over 
 all people, and more especially this wretched scum of 
 democracy,* I was roused by a sneeze, which went to 
 my very heart. A horrid presentiment came over me ; 
 I dared not look in that direction, but remained tor- 
 pid and inanimate, till I saw an open snufF-box, 
 reached over from behind, slowly approach my nose. 
 'Twas the little Frenchman, with his mahogany face, 
 gold ear-rings, and dimity breeches ! " Ah ! monsieur 
 — monsieur — is it you? I am so happy! Are you 
 going to New Orleans yet? I hope monsieur has 
 not been robbed or murdered above once or twice, 
 since I had the pleasure to part from his agreeable 
 company ? " I received him, as usual, with a look of 
 freezing contempt; but this had no effect upon the 
 creature, who continued to chatter away and bore me 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 263 
 
 with his confounded snuff, till I was out of all pa- 
 tience. I should, most certainly, have tweaked his 
 nose, had I not been previously warned by the com- 
 municative traveller, that he was a professed duellist, 
 who minded dirking a man no more than a genuine 
 republican, and that he had been long enough in 
 the country to become very expert in gouging. I 
 could have got him killed outright for ten dollars, that 
 being the usual rate in this country;* and people 
 jump at a job so congenial to their habits and feel- 
 ings. Besides, those who favour the profession for a 
 livelihood have not much employment at present, as 
 almost every genuine democrat prefers killing for him- 
 self. But upon the whole I concluded to let the fel- 
 low off, not being as yet sufficient of a republican to 
 relish the killing of a man, either in person or by 
 deputy. 
 
 The little Frenchman insisted upon knowing where 
 I put up, no doubt with a view of consummating his 
 plan of robbing me ; but I was resolved to keep that 
 secret to myself. The more shy I was, the more curi- 
 ous he became, so that I had no other way of escap- 
 ing his inquiries than leaving the box, under pretence 
 of getting some refreshment. The moment I got 
 clear of him, I bolted out of the house, and made the 
 best of my way to my lodging. Just as I entered the 
 door, however, I heard the well-known sneeze, and, 
 glancing round, beheld the little Frenchman and the 
 communicative traveller, watching me from the oppo- 
 site side of the way. The thing was now quite plain ; 
 no one could mistake their object, and no time was to 
 be lost. I determined to change my lodging that very 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. Ed. 
 
264 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 night. So, calling my -worthy landlord out of bed, I 
 paid his bill, took my portmanteau under my arm, 
 and proceeded to the City Hotel. There I asked for 
 a room with a double lock to it, which was shown me 
 by the waiter, who, by the way, looked very much 
 like a bandit, and eyed me with a most alarming 
 expression of curiosity. 
 
 " Thank heaven," said I, after double-locking the 
 door, " I think I've distanced that little diabolical 
 French cut-throat and his accomplice, for this night, 
 at least." Carefully loading my pistols, and placing 
 them on a chair at the bedside, I sat down to refresh 
 my memory with the 58th number of the Quarterly. 
 After poring over the disgusting detail of the goug- 
 ings, drinkings, roastings, and impieties of republican- 
 ism, tiU my blood ran cold and my hair stood on end, I 
 retired to bed. Somehow or other I could not sleep. 
 The moment I attempted to close my eyes, visions of 
 horror arose, and my imagination teemed with the 
 most appalling, vague, and indefinite dangers, that 
 seemed to beset me, I knew not where or how. As 1 
 lay thus under the influence of this providential rest- 
 lessness, I heard in the next room that appalling and 
 never-to-be-forgotten sneeze, which never failed to 
 announce the proximity of the little Frenchman. I 
 started up, seized my pistols, and stood upon the 
 defensive, determined to seU my life as dearly as pos- 
 sible. Presently some one tried the lock ■ of my door, 
 and I was just on the point of firing, when I heard a 
 voice, saying, " This is not the room, sir — you sleep 
 in number forty " ; and they passed onward. 
 
 What rendered my situation the more critical was 
 the circumstance of there being an additional door to 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 265 
 
 my room, communicating with that of the French 
 bandit, which I had not observed before. Cautiously 
 approaching it with a pistol cocked in either hand, I 
 found it locked indeed, but words cannot describe my 
 sensations when I discovered the key was on the 
 other side. However, a few moments restored me to 
 the courage of desperation, and I ventured to peep 
 through the key-hole, when I saw a sight that froze 
 my blood. The little Frenchman, with his dark ma- 
 hogany aspect, was sitting at a table with a case, 
 not of pistols, but of razors, one of which he was 
 carefully stropping. Ever and anon, as he tried it 
 upon the palm of his hand, he observed to the com- 
 municative traveller : " Diable ! — it will not do yet — 
 'tis certainly made of lead." At last, however, it 
 seemed to satisfy him, and he exclaimed with diaboli- 
 cal exultation, " Ah, ha ! he wiU do now — here is an 
 edge to cut off a man's head without his feeling it." 
 I instinctively drew my hand across my neck to ascer- 
 tain if my head was safe on my shoulders, and at 
 that moment heard the voice of the communicative 
 traveller : — " Had not you better wait till to-morrow 
 morning ? " " Diable, no — we shall not have time — 
 now or never — I will not spare a single hair a min- 
 ute longer." A slight movement followed this, and 
 the little Frenchman observed in reply to something 
 which escaped me in the bustle : — " One don't want 
 any assistance in these matters — I can do it very well 
 myself." The bloody-minded villain! thought I; he 
 wants to have all the pleasure of killing me to him- 
 self. Some one got up, moved towards the door, 
 tried the lock, and seemed just on the point of open- 
 ing it, when, thinking no time was to be lost, I fired 
 
266 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 my pistol bang against the door. "Diable!" ex- 
 claimed the little Frenchman, " here is our old friend, 
 Monsieur John BuU, the agreeable gentleman, come 
 again. Somebody must be robbing him, beyond 
 doubt. Let us rescue him by all means." They 
 then attempted to unlock the door, under pretence of 
 rescue, but I cried out in a tone of deep solemnity, 
 " Stand off, villains ! I have still another loaded pistol, 
 and the first of you that approaches is a dead man. 
 Enter at your peril ! " By this time the whole house 
 was in an uproar ; the lodgers bundled out of their 
 rooms, half dressed; the servant maids ran about, 
 squeaking ; and several ladies fell into fits. I am safe 
 enough for the present, thought I, but nevertheless 
 there is nothing like being prepared ; so I held fast my 
 loaded pistol, while the crowd, which at length col- 
 lected at my door, attracted by the smell of the pow- 
 der, called out to know what was the matter. " There 
 has been an attempt to rob and murder me," answered 
 I. " By whom ? ", inquired the voices. " By a little 
 mahogany-faced Frenchman and a communicative 
 traveller," answered I. " Monsieur is under a grand 
 mistake," cried the little Frenchman. " He was going 
 to cut my throat," cried I. " I was going to cut off 
 my beard," answered the little Frenchman — upon 
 which the pure spirit of democracy burst out into a 
 loud laugh. " He must have been dreaming," said 
 one. " He has had the nightmare," said another. 
 " He must be drunk," cried a third. " He must be 
 mad," cried a fourth. " By no means," cried the little 
 Frenchman — " Monsieur has only been reading the 
 Quarterly Review, and is a little afraid of the spirit 
 of democracy. He shall shoot him one day with a 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 267 
 
 silver bullet." Hereupon they all burst into a hideous 
 democratic laugh, which is ten times worse than a 
 horse-laugh, and scampered off to bed, leaving me at 
 the mercy of the two bandits. Such is the protection 
 afforded a stranger, and particularly an Englishman, 
 in this bundling, gouging, dirking, spitting, chewing, 
 swearing, blaspheming den of democracy.* 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 Author goes to the police — Description of the magistrate — Mistake of his 
 worship — Examinatioii of the little Frenchman — Author quotes the 
 Quarterly — Mr. Chichester — Dr. Thornton — Frenchman acquitted, to 
 the great delight of the democrats, who all like the French — Why — 
 Sympathy in favour of rogues here, and reasons for it — Philippic against 
 democratic judges, magistrates, lawyers, and democrats in general — 
 Moral air tainted, according to the Quarterly — Author leaves the city of 
 ahomrnations, for fear of becoming a rogue by the force of universal ex- 
 ample — Turbulent spirit of democracy — Quarterly Eeview. 
 
 The morning succeeding the attempt to rob and 
 murder me, I inquired my way to the police-office, 
 which I finally discovered at a cobbler's stall, in one 
 of the filthiest streets of the whole city, called Patty- 
 pan Lane. I found his worship sitting on his bench, 
 in a leather apron, most sedulously occupied in mend- 
 ing an old boot. On my informing him I had busi- 
 ness, he looked down at my feet, very earnestly — 
 " Hum ! Why, your boots don't seem to want mending 
 — but let us see." So he seized hold of one of them, 
 and, in attempting to puU it off, laid me sprawling on 
 the floor. He then fell into a passion with my boots, 
 * Vide No. 58. 
 
268 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 and swore the fellow that made them so tight ought 
 to be "dirked," the usual phrase for the punishment 
 of slight offences among these humane republicans. 
 
 It was with some difficulty I made him understand 
 my business was not with the cobbler, but the magis- 
 trate. " Well, go on with your information," rephed 
 he, " while I finish my job ; I can take a stitch while 
 you tell your story." So he fell to work lustily, 
 while I proceeded to detail the events of the last night. 
 When I had done, he looked at me for a moment, and 
 then, with the true gravity and demeanour of a gen- 
 uine republican magistrate, burst into a horse-laugh, 
 and took into his mouth a huge quid of tobacco. 
 " And you are positive their intention was to rob and 
 murder you ? ", quoth the sage Minos. I offered to 
 swear to it, upon which he handed the book, and ad- 
 ministered the oath. " Very well, we must send for 
 these bloody-minded villains, and see what they have 
 to say for themselves. A little Frenchman, with a 
 mahogany face, gold ear-rings, and dimity breeches, 
 say you ? We must describe the villain, as you don't 
 know his name." On receiving satisfaction as to this 
 point, he procured a warrant, which he signed with a 
 cross, being unable to write his name ; desired me to 
 witness his mark ; and sent off one of his apprentices 
 to bring the oifenders. 
 
 In a few minutes he returned with the little 
 Frenchman, his companion, and almost all the lodgers 
 at the City Hotel, landlord, waiters, and all. His 
 worship laid down his awl, and the examination 
 began. 
 
 " What is your name ? " 
 
 "Pierre Fran§ois Louis Maximilian Joseph Maria 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMBEICA. 269 
 
 Gourgac d'Espagnac de Gomperville," answered the 
 little bandit. 
 
 " A whole band of robbers, in the person of one lit- 
 tle Frenchman," observed his worship, turning to his 
 clerk, and directing him to write it down. The clerk 
 demurred to this, as to write it was quite impossible. 
 
 " Well, then," said his worship, " write down Hard 
 name, and proceed. Whence came you, where are 
 you going, what is your business, and how came you 
 to put this gentleman in bodily fear last night ? " 
 
 " I came," replied the bandit, " from New Orleans, 
 which, as monsieur knows," (making me a low bow), 
 " is not far from Portsmouth, in New Hampshire. I 
 am going to Charleston, to which place I hope to 
 have the pleasure of monsieur's company" — (making 
 me another low bow) ; " my business, it seems, is 
 principally to rob and murder monsieur " — (another 
 bow) ; " and I came to put him in bodily fear, by rea- 
 son of sharpening my razors at night, which I gener- 
 ally do before I shave myself" — making me another 
 low bow, and offering his box. 
 
 " Hum ! ", quoth his worship, eying the little French- 
 man's stiff black beard, " A man with such a brush 
 under his nose might reasonably strop his razors over 
 night, I should think, without being suspected of any 
 intent but to cut up his own stubble field. But what 
 other proofs have you of this intent to rob and 
 murder, hey?" 
 
 " My own conviction," answered I. 
 
 " Ay, but a man's conviction is no proof of guilt, 
 except it be a conviction by judge and jury," an- 
 swered the learned justice. 
 
 " The word of a gentleman." 
 
270 JOHN BXJLL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 " Pooh ! the word of a gentleman is no better than 
 the word of any other man. Every man is a gentle- 
 man in this free country," replied the democratic 
 Solon. 
 
 " Did they break into your room ? " 
 
 " No — but they tried the lock." 
 
 "Did they actually oifer you any violence, or at- 
 tempt to cut your throat?" 
 
 "No — but the little Frenchman sharpened his 
 razors at me." 
 
 " Have you any witnesses to prove the attempt ? " 
 
 " The circumstances are, of themselves, sufficient ; 
 besides, they have foUowed me all the way from 
 Portsmouth, and this is not the first time the little 
 Frenchman and his accomplices have made the 
 attempt. 
 
 " Followed you ! " quoth Solon ; " travelling in the 
 same stages and steam-boats and putting up at 
 the same houses is what generally happens to people 
 travelling the same route — this is no proof of wicked 
 intention." 
 
 The little Frenchman now appealed to the crowd 
 of City Hotel people, who, beyond doubt, were aU his 
 accomplices, and who testified that he had been there 
 two days before I made my appearance, which the 
 stupid cobbler-justice observed was proof that he had 
 not followed me, at the same time hinting to the 
 Frenchman that he had good grounds for an infor- 
 mation against me for following Mm ! Finding they 
 were all in league together, I determined to over- 
 whelm the justice, the clerk, the witnesses, and the 
 culprits, by one single irresistible testimony. I took 
 from my pocket the fifty-eighth number of the Q,uar- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 271 
 
 terly, which I always carry about me ; and, turning to 
 page three hundred and fifty-seven, read in an audible 
 voice as follows : — * 
 
 " Mr. Chichester told him," (Mr. Faux), « that ten 
 doUars would procure the life and blood of any man 
 in this country." Mr. Chichester also told him, that 
 " he knew a party of whites, who, last year, roasted 
 to death before a large log fire one of their friends, 
 because he refused to drink." f 
 
 " And who is Mr. Chichester ? " said the ignoramus, 
 who, it is plain, never reads the Quarterly. 
 
 " Mr. Chichester is a polished, gay, interesting gen- 
 tleman, travelling in his own carriage from Kentucky 
 to Virginia," replied I, reading from the Quarterly. J 
 Again, sir, "Judge Waggoner, who is a notorious 
 hog-stealer, was recently accused, while sitting on the 
 bench, by Major Hooker, the hunter, gouger, whipper, 
 and nose-biter, of stealing many hogs, and being, al- 
 though a judge, the greatest rogue in the United 
 States." § Again, sir, we read from this same un- 
 questionable authority, " Doctor Thornton, || of the 
 post-office, observed to him that this city, like that of 
 ancient Rome, was peopled with thieves and assassins, 
 and that during his residence in it, he had found more 
 villains than he had seen in all the world besides." 
 
 " And pray who is Doctor Thornton — is he in 
 court ? " cried this pious minister of justice. 
 
 " Doctor Thornton," replied I, " is a gentleman of 
 character and learning — he has invented a new 
 alphabet." 
 
 " Diable ! " interrupted the little Frenchman — " 'tis 
 not the only thing he has invented I befieve." 
 
 * Vide No. 58, English copy. t Ditto. i Ditto. 
 
 § Ditto. II Ditto. 
 
272 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 I continued, without noticing the interruption, " Dr. 
 Thornton, sir, is an Englishman, and that is a suffi- 
 cient warrant for all he says. I know, moreover, from 
 the best authority, that by his eloquence he prevented 
 the gallant Cockburn from burning the capitol and 
 president's house during the late war." * 
 
 " Diable ! " again interrupted the little Frenchman, 
 " am I to be convicted of murder upon the testimony 
 of the goose whose cackling saved the capitol ? " 
 
 " But what do you intend by all this ? ", replied his 
 worship petulantly, and casting a wishful eye at the 
 old boot, as if he wanted to be stitching again. 
 
 " I mean, sir," replied I solemnly, " to prove by this 
 testimony, that as ten dollars is the price of blood in 
 this country, that as Judge Waggoner is a notorious 
 hog-stealer, and that, as Doctor Thornton affirms, 
 your cities are peopled by thieves and robbers — that 
 in such a country, and among such a people, the mere 
 sharpening of a razor at such an unreasonable hour 
 is presumptive proof, sufficient to hang half a dozen 
 Frenchmen and democrats." 
 
 But the little Frenchman, who had by this time 
 sent and suborned the president of a bank and two or 
 three directors, his accomplices no doubt, offered their 
 testimony to prove that he was a person well known 
 to them, of ample means and unblemished character, 
 equally above the temptation as the suspicion of rob- 
 bery or murder. Upon this, in spite of my own testi- 
 mony and the authority of the Quarterly, the precious 
 cobbling justice dismissed my complaint, and apprised 
 the little Frenchman that he might recover damages 
 
 [* The Capitol and Presidential mansion were burned by the British, 
 August 24th, 1814.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 273 
 
 of me if he chose. But the horrid bandit had other 
 objects in view ; and, after receiving the congratula- 
 tions of all present, (for these people adore the French 
 only because they take a little pains to be agreeable), 
 turned to me with a most diabolical smile, made me 
 a low bow, offered his box, earnestly hoped he should 
 have the pleasure of my agreeable company to Charles- 
 ton, and assured me, upon his honour, he would never 
 attempt to cut my throat again since he was born. 
 
 From this specimen of the mode of administering 
 republican justice, and of the character of the judges, 
 who are, for the most part, pig-stealers, and who never 
 read the Quarterly, one may judge of the chance an 
 Englishman has of protection or redress. Every body 
 is in league against him ; it is sufficient for a man only 
 to be accused of doing wrong, in order to excite the 
 universal sympathy in his favour. The officers of the 
 courts, the magistrates, judges, lawyers, and specta- 
 tors, all have a feUow-feehng for a criminal, having all 
 been, or expecting soon to be, in a similar predica- 
 ment ; and the accuser is thrice lucky, if he does not 
 change places with the accused. The lawyers who 
 are most expert in snatching murderers from the gal- 
 lows are certain to be made magistrates, and the most 
 dexterous pig-stealer is predestined to be a judge of 
 pig-stealers. The sheriff, not long since, was obliged 
 to hang his own nephew for the murder of his mother, 
 who was the sheriff's sister, as these virtuous self- 
 governing republicans thought it a pity to hang a 
 man for such a trifle, and not one of them would, 
 tie the knot! The moral air is putrid, and even the 
 most honest Englishman cannot breathe it without 
 his principles being tainted with the plague of democ- 
 
 18 
 
274 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 racy. Feeling this to be actually the case with my- 
 self, I determined to change the air as soon as pos- 
 sible, and before I became a villain outright; and 
 not caring to go back again to the hotel to meet the 
 banditti and their accomplices, I desired my old land- 
 lord, the gentleman of colour, to go and pay for my 
 lodging, and bring my portmanteau down to the 
 steam-boat just then departing for the South. I em- 
 barked in her, shaking the dust off my feet, as I left 
 this city of abominations, in which, though I had 
 staid but two days, I had seen more of the turbulent 
 spirit of democracy than in all the world beside. No 
 wonder, seeing " it is peopled by thieves and rob- 
 bers ; " and the Quarterly affirms it to be the place 
 where the " scum of aU the earth" * is collected. 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 Miraculons escape in crossing the Kast Eirer to Jersey — Author makes his 
 will previously — Number of people at Communipaw on crutches — A 
 fellow-traveller tells a story accounting for it — Manner of keeping the 
 Sabbath — Little Frenchman identified — Inhumanity of republicans — 
 Drunken driver — Philosophical reasons why republicans must naturally 
 be hard drinkers — Apostrophe in praise of oriental despotism and abject 
 poverty. 
 
 The steam-boat in which I embarked, as stated in 
 the last chapter, conveyed us across the East River to 
 the Jersey shore without bursting her boiler, which 
 was considered little less than a miracle, as there is 
 scarcely a day passes without a catastrophe of this 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 275 
 
 kind which is fatal to a dozen or twenty persons. 
 Yet the people go on board these vessels with as little 
 hesitation as they would enter their own doors. In- 
 deed, their carelessness of their own lives is equal to 
 their disregard of the lives of others, and they en- 
 counter the risk of being scalded to death, with as 
 little concern as they feel in dirking an intimate friend, 
 or burning him on a pile of logs for not drinking.* 
 For my part, I took the precaution, previous to my 
 embarkation, to settle my affairs and make my will. 
 It proved, however, unnecessary in this instance, as 
 we were safely landed in the city of Coramunipaw, 
 the capital of that state. 
 
 The first thing that struck me in roaming about 
 here waiting for the stage, (which was delayed for the 
 purpose of giving the driver time to get drunk), was 
 the vast proportion of people upon crutches. Almost 
 every person I met had lost his feet and a part of his 
 legs ; some at the ancles, some at the calves, and a 
 few at the knee. On inquiring of a person who was 
 to be my fellow-traveller the cause of this singularity, 
 he gave me the following details, than which nothing 
 can more brilliantly illustrate the manner in which the 
 Sabbath is kept, or rather profaned, among "these 
 bundling, gouging, spitting, swearing, dirking, drink- 
 ing, blaspheming republicans." f 
 
 " You must know, sir," said my informant, " that 
 the people of this city and its neighbourhood are 
 notorious all over the country for dancing. Such 
 is their fondness for the aniusement, that they don't 
 know when to stop ; and if it happens to be Saturday 
 night, they are pretty sure to dance till daylight on 
 * Vide No. 58. Eng. Ed. t Ditto. Eng. Ed. 
 
276 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 Sunday morning, let what will happen. About three 
 years ago there was a grand ball given, at which the 
 mayor, aldermen, and aU the fashionable people of 
 the town, were present. Unluckily it happened to be 
 Saturday night, and the company continued dancing 
 till the clock struck twelve. But not a soul heard it, 
 they were so busy in shuffling 'hoe corn' and 'dig 
 potatoes,' and if they had, nobody would have abated 
 a single shuffle. Just as the clock struck, there came 
 in a little dark gentleman, with gold ear-rings and a 
 mahogany face, and dressed in a full suit of black, 
 except that he wore dimity breeches." 
 
 " The little Frenchman, by Heaven ! " exclaimed I. 
 
 " You shall hear anon," continued he. " The little 
 dark gentleman cut into a Scotch reel without cere- 
 mony, and danced with such extraordinary vigour and 
 agUity, that every body seemed inspired. The young 
 fellows threw off their coats first, then their waist- 
 coats, and there is no knowing how much farther they 
 might have proceeded had not good manners prevent- 
 ed. The buxom Dutch girls of Communipaw kicked 
 up their heels, and gambolled with aU the vivacity of 
 young elephants ; and bundling came to be very seri- 
 ously contemplated. But it would have done your 
 heart good to see the fiddler, a gentleman of colour 
 belonging to Squire Van Bommel, who gradually got 
 his fiddle locked fast between his breast and chin, 
 where he wedged it up with both knees, while his 
 mouth gradually expanded from ear to ear, as he 
 
 played Yankee Doodle as if the d ^1 w;as in him. 
 
 The little dark gentleman was the life and soul of the 
 party ; bowed to every body, danced with every lady, 
 complimented every body, offered his box to every 
 body, took snuff with every body, and sneezed — " 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 277 
 
 «0! the little Frenchman," cried I, "I'll bet a 
 hundred pounds!" 
 
 " You shall hear," continued my companion. " All 
 was joy, laughter, capering, singing, bundhng, swear- 
 ing, gouging, dirking, and hilarity, when by degrees 
 the young damsels and lads began to find their bare 
 feet coming to the floor, which reminded them it was 
 time to stop dancing. But it was too late now. 
 There was a spell upon them, and they continued 
 to dance away by an irresistible impulse, till, by and 
 by, first went the skin off the soles of their feet, then 
 the feet themselves. StUl they continued dancing, and 
 the shorter their legs grew the higher they capered, 
 and the faster the fiddler played Yankee Doodle, the 
 dark gentleman vociferating all the while, in concert — 
 
 ' Yankee doodle keep it up, 
 Yankee doodle dandy ; 
 Hind the music and the step, 
 And with the gak* be handy.' " 
 
 "But how did it happen," said I, "that the dark 
 gentleman, alias the little Frenchman, did not lose his 
 feet and legs too ? " 
 
 " I have not yet said he didn't," replied my com- 
 panion. " But your suggestion is correct. He kept 
 capering away without either feet or legs diminish- 
 ing, any more than if they had been of steel. But no 
 wonder, as you will find in the sequel. The company 
 continued to caper and jig it, till the legs of many 
 were entirely danced away, and it has been asserted 
 that the fiddler's chin was more than half gone. Nay, 
 there have been those who do not scruple to affirm 
 that several heads, without either feet, legs, or body at 
 
 * This shows that even the devils don't speak good English among these 
 enlightened republicans. 
 
278 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 all, were seen cutting pigeon-wings and taking the 
 partridge-run with all the alacrity imaginable. But 
 touching this there is some contrariety of opinion. 
 
 " Certain it is that the dancing continued with una- 
 bated vigour, the little dark gentleman still setting the 
 example; and the fiddler, having entirely worn out 
 his fiddle-strings, was sawing away tooth and nail 
 upon the edge of his fiddle. And here I must remark 
 a most extraordinary circumstance, which is, that the 
 longer they danced the shorter they grew, by reason 
 of their wear and tear of feet, legs, &c., so that, be- 
 yond all doubt, had they danced much longer there 
 would have been nothing left of them, not even the 
 hair of their heads. Luckily, however, an old one- 
 eyed rooster, who sat upon one leg on a pole that lay 
 across the crotches of two trees, and where they gen- 
 eraUy hung up their pigs by the hind legs — " 
 
 " What ! ," interrupted I, " do they hang pigs in this 
 country ? " 
 
 " Yes," replied my companion, with a sigh. " But 
 the less we say about that the better. You will hardly 
 believe it, but they hang them up with their heads 
 downward;" and thereupon he took out his hand- 
 kerchief and wiped his eyes. Well may you blush 
 and weep over the inhumanity of your countrymen, 
 thought I. The Quarterly shall hear of this. 
 
 " But," resumed my companion in a hurried man- 
 ner, as if anxious to direct my attention from this 
 horrible cruelty, "let us go back to the old rooster, 
 who, about daylight, clapped his wings, and crowed so 
 loud that you might have heard him across the river. 
 No sooner had the little dark gentleman heard the 
 clapping and crowing, than he made one bound up 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEBICJi 279 
 
 the chimney, without making his bow to the company, 
 or taking leave of six ladies to whom he had engaged 
 himself to be married the next morning. He was heard 
 to sneeze as he ascended the chimney, which there- 
 upon burst with a terrible explosion of red-hot bricks, 
 which flew about in the sky like great fire-flies, hiss- 
 ing like serpents. This was succeeded by a drizzle 
 of flowers of brimstone, which cured aU the people 
 thereabouts of the Scotch-fiddle. The fiddler was 
 found two days afterwards, with his head buried in a 
 salt-marsh near Communipaw and bis stumps danc- 
 ing in the air, scraping Yankee Doodle like a devU 
 incarnate. The dancers all ran home." 
 
 " What," said I, " without their legs — how could 
 that be?" 
 
 " I can't say," replied he, " but run they did as fast 
 as legs could carry them, although, as you have ocular 
 demonstration, they must have done it without legs. 
 To conclude, the doctors, hearing of this catastrophe, 
 came over in shoals from New York, thinking they 
 would have some profitable jobs ; but, to their great 
 mortification, found all the stumps perfectly healed by 
 what seemed to be the application of a red-hot iron, 
 so that they paid their ferriage across the river and 
 ran the risk of the bursting of the boiler for nothing. 
 It is observed that the dancers all continue to smell 
 of brimstone to this diay. Sometimes, particularly 
 during storms of thunder and lightning at night, the 
 windows of the house in which the dance took place 
 look as if the whole was on fire, and some have 
 said they saw the little dark gentleman dancing there 
 surrounded by old women on broomsticks. This 
 is doubtful; but certain it is that the old one-eyed 
 
280 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 rooster was killed the following Christmas night in a 
 battle royal between the Harsimusites and the Hobo- 
 kenites, in which the former were worsted." 
 
 " I suppose," said I, " this cured them of dancing 
 on Sunday mornings." 
 
 " Not in the least," replied he. " These very people 
 you see upon crutches, are eternally jigging it and 
 frisking their tails. You shall see." 
 
 So he began whistling Yankee Doodle, and, in the 
 space of five minutes, at least thirty people, without 
 a single leg among them, gathered round us, dancing 
 most incontinently. I turned in disgust from this in- 
 corrigible race of impious republicans, whom the loss 
 of legs cannot restrain from a breach of the Sabbath, 
 and who persevere in their enormities even in despite 
 of miracles, as the Quarterly says. But my reflec- 
 tions were interrupted by the arrival of the stage, the 
 driver being at length " prime bang up," that is to say, 
 as drunk as a lord. 
 
 In the course of my travels, I have often reflected 
 on the causes of that universal and inveterate pro- 
 pensity to drunkenness which is the characteristic of 
 this people, and the result is, that it is another of the 
 delectable offspring of the turbulent spirit of democ- 
 racy. Nothing is more certain than that a people will 
 be restrained in proportion to the restraints under 
 which they labour. In proportion to the freedom 
 they enjoy will be the freedom of their indulgences. 
 It is only by taking away the freedom of action, and 
 the means of obtaining these indulgences, that you 
 can make the vulgar either tolerably religious or de- 
 cently moral. The right of self-government is another 
 word for freedom from all moral and religious re- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 281 
 
 straints, and it is a self-evident deduction, that a 
 man who don't honour the king will seldom fear his 
 Maker, Again — the consciousness of freedom gene- 
 rates among the vulgar, (and aU free people may be 
 called vulgar), a certain degree of impudence, a hardy- 
 confidence which carries a man above those salutary 
 restraints which the opinion and influence of society 
 impose upon mankind. Lastly, where a large portion 
 of the people can earn a superfluity beyond the wants 
 of themselves and their families, they will be almost 
 certain to devote their substance to riot and debauch- 
 ery. 
 
 It is thus with this wretched spawn of democracy. 
 Boasting, as they do, of the right of making their 
 own laws, they naturally claim and exercise the right 
 of breaking them whenever they please. Being free 
 from the salutary restraints of European and Orien- 
 tal despotism, they naturally throw off all restraint; 
 having more money than is necessary to supply the 
 wants of life, they naturally grow wasteful ; and feel- 
 ing themselves equal to any and every man they 
 meet, they inevitably become insolent and intemperate. 
 It would be considered proof of a most mean and 
 abject spirit, for a genuine republican to show his 
 respect for any society whatever by behaving with 
 decency and keeping himself sober. 
 
 Such being the case, happy, thrice happy, are those 
 who have no voice in making the laws, for they will 
 be the more likely to obey them. Happy, and four 
 times happy, are they who never taste the unhallow- 
 ed cup of freedom, for they will not be ruined by 
 the absence of all restraints, Happy, and six times 
 happy, are the people who have no taste of that fatal 
 
282 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 equality which generates a vulgar confidence that dis- 
 dains all subserviency to rank, dress, and equipage — 
 and happy above all happy people, are those who, 
 being stinted in the means of procuring even the 
 necessaries of life, will never be able to indrdge in 
 enervating pleasures, or the excesses of intemperance. 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Infamous roads — Infamous stages — Infamous stage-drivers — Bepublican 
 mode of mending roads — Englishmen are Itnown here by an air of dis- 
 tinction — Storj' of the English emigrant to English Prairie — Sudden 
 obscurity of the atmosphere — Reason of it — Indian summer, its real 
 origin — Stage starts, and leaves the author behind — Insolence of the 
 driver — Spirit of democracy — Miserable effects of freedom — Universal 
 stimulus wanting in a republic — Gross and impertinent freedoms in re- 
 publicans. 
 
 Under the protection of that providence which is 
 said to take the special guardianship of drunken stage 
 drivers, we proceeded on, over one of the most rocky, 
 rutty, and infamous roads I ever travelled. The spirit 
 of democracy disdains to pay any regard to the laws 
 for mending roads, it being an approved maxim, that 
 the best way to mend the roads is to let them mend 
 themselves. Yet, notwithstanding this, there are 
 turnpike gates every two or three mUes, especially in 
 New England and the other Southern states, where 
 they take enormous toU of aU strangers, particularly 
 Englishmen, who, being distinguished by a certain air 
 of nobility which causes them to be all taken for mi- 
 lords by the French and Italians, are easily detected 
 by these cunning Yankees. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 283 
 
 Notwithstanding the situation of the driver and the 
 roughness of the roads, we jolted along without any 
 accident, and rather more pleasantly than usual. One 
 of my companions turned out to be an Englishman, 
 which, in truth, I had not suspected before, though I 
 might have known it by his speaking such pure Eng- 
 lish. I was rather inclined to be shy of his attentions ; 
 but the moment he informed me he was a native of 
 Yorkshire my suspicions vanished, for an Englishman 
 may be trusted all the world over, all the world knows. 
 By degrees we became sociable, for I saw he was a 
 man of education and discernment, by his always 
 addressing me as my lord. One inquiry led to 
 another, and at length he told me his story, which I 
 shall set down word for word, as a warning to my 
 simple, credulous countrymen, who are allured to this 
 land of promise by the modern Moses of transatlantic 
 speculation, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 " Hi was very well hoff at ome," said he, " aving a 
 good farm, with comfortable hout-ouses, and plenty 
 of stock, say five undred Norfolk sheep, forty or fifty 
 Bakewell cows, and two bulls of the Tees-water breed. 
 But someow hor hother. Hi went beindand every 
 year. The rents Hi paid to keep hup the dignity of 
 the nobleman, my landlord — the taxes Hi paid to sup 
 port the splendours of the king, God bless him — th 
 tithes Hi paid for supporting the established church, 
 without which hevery body knows there can be no 
 religion — the poor-rates which Hi paid to keep hup 
 that state of poverty and dependence without which 
 no people can be virtuous and appy — hall these put 
 together, pulled me down every year by little and 
 little. But hall these were has nothing compared to 
 
284 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 certain bother matters. The cost of maintaining Hold 
 Hingland, in the igh latitude of the bulwark of reli- 
 gion, fell ard upon me — then hafter that, the putting 
 down of Bonaparte and securing the liberties hof 
 Heurope fleeced me pretty andsomely. But Hi might 
 ave got hover these, but for a plentiful arvest, which 
 coming on the back of hall the rest, stripped me of the 
 fruits of my labours, and brought me pretty deeply 
 hin debt. 
 
 " Habout this time, Satan, who halways his hat ha 
 man's helbows hin time hof distress, threw hin my 
 way that mischievous radical Birkbeck's book habout 
 the Hinglish Prairie, which seduced me hinto the 
 hidear of selling hofF my hall and hemigrating to 
 Hamerrykey." 
 
 " Did you ever read the Quarterly ? " said I. 
 
 " Nay — but Hi have hattended the Quarter-Sessions 
 pretty regularly for many years past," replied he. 
 
 " Ah! what a pity — what a pity," said I — "if you 
 had only read the Quarterly, you'd never have come 
 to this land of gouging, dirking, bundling, and guess- 
 ing." 
 
 " Hi guess not," quoth he, and went on with his 
 story. 
 
 " Hi was ha saying, that Birkbeck's book fell hin 
 my way, hand gave such ha seducing picture of the 
 prairie, that Hi sold hofF haU the stock Hi ad saved 
 from the landlord, the king, the church, the paupers, 
 the bulwark of religion, the securing hof the liberties 
 hof Heurope, hand the plentiful arvest. The proceeds 
 Hi turned into guineas, hand quilted them into the 
 waistband hof my breeches." 
 
 I shall give the remainder of his narrative in Yan- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 285 
 
 kee English, for really I have been long enough here 
 to find the writing of pure English rather awkward. 
 
 " I embarked," continued my companion, " for Bos- 
 ton, which, I learned from a gentleman who told me 
 he superintended the geography of the Quarterly 
 Review, was close by English Prairie.* On landing 
 there, which I did without being shipwrecked, al- 
 though the vessel was a Yankee and the captain and 
 crew drunk all the voyage, the first thing I did was to 
 ask how far it was to English Prairie. — I was in a 
 hurry, and wanted to get there before night. The 
 landlord, of whom I inquired, after scratching his head 
 some time, replied : — 
 
 " ' English Prairie — are you going there ? ' " 
 " Yes — I expect to be there before dark." 
 " ' Do you ? Why then I guess you mean to 
 travel in a baUoon — don't you? ' " 
 
 " Dam'me, sir," replied I, " do you mean to hoax 
 
 me 
 
 ?" 
 
 " ' Hoax — what's that ? ' " 
 
 " I say quiz me." 
 
 "' Quiz — what's that ?' " 
 
 " I say," replied I, " can you tell me how far it is to 
 English Prairie?" 
 
 "'Why, if you really wish to know — I can't say 
 exactly, for I never was there — but I should guess it 
 can't be less than twelve hundred miles, or there- 
 abouts.' " 
 
 " Twelve hundred d Is," cried I. 
 
 " ' No, not devils,' " said Jonathan, " ' but miles ; 
 and devilish long miles, I reckon.' " 
 
 [* English Prairie. A post village of McHeniy County Ulinois, 50 
 miles N.W. of Chicago. — Am. Gazetteer. 1 
 
286 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " Looking about, I saw a map of the States, which, 
 by the way, is a usual thing all over this country, the 
 people being eternally travelling by maps. On ex- 
 amination, I found, to my -utter astonishment, that 
 brother Jonathan was right. I might as well have 
 gone to English Prairie by way of the Cape of Good 
 Hope, as of Boston. This was one of the first blessed 
 effects of Birkbeck's book. On referring to it, I found 
 indeed that he had stated the distance and the route ; 
 but it had escaped my notice, confound him. 
 
 " However, since I had come so far, I thought I 
 would not go back with a flea in my ear, and so I de- 
 termined to seek the distant land of promise." 
 
 " What a pity — what a pity," interrupted I, " you 
 never read the Quarterly." 
 
 " I am determined to read nothing else from this 
 time forward — at least if I can procure a copy," re- 
 plied he ; upon which I handed him the English copy 
 of the fifty-eighth number, telling him it was heartily 
 at his service during the time we travelled together. 
 He thanked me, called me my lord three times, and 
 proceeded : — 
 
 " It would be tedious to give an account of the 
 difficulties, mortifications, insults, dangers, and scrapes 
 I encountered in my journey. I was four times rob- 
 bed of all I had in the world. I wag six times gouged, 
 eight times dirked, and several times roasted at a log- 
 fire, before I arrived at English Prairie. By the blessr 
 ing of Providence, however, I got there at last, and 
 much good did it do me. My first disappointment, in 
 not meeting the back country close by the sea-shore, 
 was nothing to those I encountered here. Instead of 
 finding the backwoods all cleared away, comfortable 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 287 
 
 houses, barns, fences, hedges, ditches, school-houses, 
 churches, bishops, noblemen, and kings, I found a 
 parcel of rude, hard-working men, with axes on one 
 shoulder and guns on the other. The first thing they 
 told me was to cut down the trees, which were gener- 
 ally about the size of a hogshead. I laid clo.se siege 
 to one for three days, and found, by a pretty clear de- 
 duction, that it would take five days more to bring it 
 to the earth. I then counted the trees upon my plan- 
 tation, and calculated that if I lived to the age of 
 Methusaleh I might possibly clear a place big enough 
 for a potato patch. 
 
 " My next inquiry was, as to how they procured 
 their food. ' You must go into the woods,' said a fel- 
 low in a hunting-shirt and moccasons, ' there is plenty 
 of deer and wild turkeys.' ' But I never fired a gun 
 in my life,' answered I. ' Then you're a gone sucker,' 
 cried he, at the same time gouging out one of my 
 eyes, I suppose to qualify me to take aim with proper 
 accuracy. Not being able to cut down trees, or shoot 
 deer and wild turkeys, I was in a fair way of starving. 
 I resolved, as the last resort, to take to the poor-house. 
 But, in this barbarous place, there was no poor-house 
 to be found. I then applied to my good neighbour 
 who had favoured me by gouging out one eye, for a 
 piece of venison. He gave me a saddle and a wild 
 turkey, saying, at the same time, in the most unfeeling 
 manner, ' Every body works here, friend, and every 
 man provides for himself. Don't come again begging. 
 You're chopping on the wrong log.' Whereupon he 
 gouged out another eye. Shortly after, he came to 
 invite me to a barbecue, as it is called, which is a sort 
 of feast, where they generally serve up a baked Indian 
 
288 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 or two, whom they have hunted and shot in the course 
 of the morning. I expressed my abhorrence of this 
 cannibal feast, and declined going, upon which he 
 gouged out another eye, and swore he'd not leave a 
 single eye in my head if I didn't go. Thinking it 
 better to eat Indians than be blind, I signified my con- 
 sent, and accompanied this hospitable person. 
 
 " It would be impossible to describe this feast. 
 Suffice it to say, that it ended in a scene of drunken- 
 ness and bloodshed, that was enough to sicken a 
 pirate or a republican. The conclusion was, that 
 every soul present was either murdered or left insen- 
 sible on the ground — after which they threw me 
 upon a log-fire, and burnt me to a cinder, because I 
 wouldn't drink ' Confusion to the Holy Alliance.' My 
 misfortunes did not end here. In one night they robbed 
 me of twenty or thirty pigs, it being their maxim 
 that it is more convenient to steal than buy, which 
 constitutes the quintessence of republican ethics,* as 
 the Quarterly says. I was on my way to the judge^ 
 to complain of this theft, when I met my gouging 
 friend, to whom I related my misfortune. He burst 
 into a horse-laugh, which resolved itself into a yell, 
 and tapered off with the Indian war-whoop. When 
 he had done, he solemnly assured me that my pigs 
 were now in the judge's pen ; that his honour was the 
 most noted pig-stealer in the place, and had been 
 elevated to the bench solely on that account, it being 
 shrewdly suspected that he would from a fellow feel- 
 ing let off all the pig-stealers, who constitute the 
 majority of the people. ' It is of no use,' said he, ' to 
 go to the judge. Your only remedy is to try and steal 
 * Vide No. 68. Eng. ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 289 
 
 somebody else's pigs. If you can rob the judge, you 
 will get his place to a certainty.' I expressed an ab- 
 horrence of this mode of righting myself; upon which 
 he swore I had reflected upon the native character, 
 and gouged out one of my eyes. 
 
 " Soon after, it was buzzed about that I had been 
 on the point of appealing to the laws for redress, and 
 moreover demurreH to the Indian law of retaliation, 
 the only law in force at English Prairie. For these 
 heinous offences, I was informed privately by a wor- 
 thy English settler who had been like me seduced by 
 Mr. Birkbeck, that they had hired a man to dirk me 
 for ten doUars, the usual price of blood in this coun- 
 try, as Mr. Chichester says.* Thinking it high time 
 to take care of myself, I sold my land at less than 
 half price to the worthy English settler, and made off, 
 with all the speed in my power, for a civilized Chris- 
 tian land. I had almost forgot to teU you, that, just 
 on the skirt of the Prairie, I met a party of ladies 
 belonging to the settlement, who roasted me aUve at 
 a log-fire. It was a mercy that I escaped." 
 
 " Pray," said I, when he had finished, " do they ever 
 read the Quarterly at English Prairie ? " 
 
 " The Quarterly ! Lord bless you — they read noth- 
 ing but Tom Paine. I never saw any other book in 
 aJl the Western country." 
 
 "Not read the Quarterly!" exclaimed I — "Ah, that 
 accounts for their barbarity." 
 
 We now entered a dense, smoky, drizzling atmos- 
 phere, which succeeded so suddenly to a bright cloud- 
 less day, that we did not know what to make of it. 
 As we proceeded, the density and drizzling increased, 
 
 * Vide No. 68. Eng. ed. 
 19 
 
290 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 SO that it became impossible to distinguish the road, 
 which, however, was of the less consequence, as our 
 driver had been for some time nodding on his seat, 
 fast asleep. Suddenly the horses stopped of them- 
 selves, at what (after a considerable degree of peering 
 about) I discovered to be a house, on the long piazza 
 of which were seated an immense number of fat fel- 
 lows with broad-brimmed hats, smoking and spitting 
 in the true republican style, that is to say, in their 
 neighbours' faces.* This circumstance accounted for 
 the smoky and drizzling atmosphere, which extended 
 upward of three miles in circumference, and obscured 
 the entire city, which was called Communipaw. Such 
 is the extent of this practice of smoking tobacco, that, 
 at a certain period of the year, during the autumn, 
 when the people of the country have finished gather- 
 ing in the products of their fields, and their leisure 
 time comes, they commence a smoking festival, in 
 which every man, woman, and child partakes. This 
 festival lasts five or six weeks, during which time the 
 atmosphere throughout the whole country becomes so 
 hazy and obscure that they are obliged to burn can- 
 dles aU day, and a perpetual drizzling prevails, owing 
 to the unseemly habit of spitting, which aU our Eng- 
 lish travellers have heretofore noticed among these 
 immaculate republicans. This season is called the 
 Indian summer, and the people pretend to ascribe it 
 to the Indian custom of burning the long grass of the 
 immense prairies in the West. But the above, I can 
 assure my readers, is the true solution. 
 
 Being resolved not to sit still in the stage and be 
 spitten to death, (for aU the stages here are without 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEIEICA, 291 
 
 covering, for the convenience of letting in the rain), I 
 jumped out and sheltered myself under a neighbour- 
 ing shed. By and by I heard the driver calling for 
 his passengers, but I was determined not to be hur- 
 ried, and took no notice of his insolence. Presently 
 I heard the cracking of the whip and the rumbling 
 of the wheels, when I thought to myself I had better 
 condescend to call, and stop him. Accordingly I sal- 
 lied forth in the fog and drizzle, calling out to stop as 
 loud as I could bawl, and running every now and then 
 against a long pipe, invisible in the obscurity. The 
 sound of the wheels served as a sort of guide through 
 the Cimmerian shades ; but, as ill luck would have it, 
 just as I came up with the stage, which I afterwards 
 discovered had been stopped at the pressing instance 
 of my companion, I unfortunately fell into a ditch by 
 the roadside, where I was grievously annoyed by a 
 concert of frogs, which, mistaking me, I suppose, for 
 King Log, jumped upon me, and sung with true re- 
 publican melody. 
 
 " You democratic rascal," cried I to the driver, 
 " what business had you to go off without me ? " 
 
 " Why," replied the impudent scoundrel, " I thought 
 you had gone off without me. I hallooed till my 
 throat was so dry that I was obliged to call for a pint 
 of whiskey to whet my whistle." 
 
 " But why didn't you stop, when I caUed ? " 
 
 " "Why," replied the villain, " it was so foggy I 
 couldn't see which way the sound came from." 
 
 Upon this I was going to thrash him soundly for 
 his insolence, when my companion advised me not to 
 attempt it. Said he, ' ten to one you will lose both 
 eyes and the better part of your nose, for this fellow 
 
292 JOHN BXJLL IN AMERICA. 
 
 has exactly the look of a first-rate gonger.' I there- 
 upon determined to put up with the affair, considering 
 it a portion of that series of imposition, impudence, 
 rudeness, and barbarity, which constitutes the basis 
 of the republican character.* 
 
 It is in truth impossible to be in this country a day, 
 without being thoroughly convinced of the fact, that 
 the possession of freedom necessarily brings with it 
 an overwhelming mass of ignorance, corruption, and 
 barbarity.f This position is supported by the history 
 of the world and the example of all nations. The 
 republics of Greece were little better than nests of 
 barbarous libertines, as is proved by the licentious 
 freedoms which Terence, and other comic writers, 
 took with persons in authority at Athens ; — also, by 
 their banishment of Grotius, perhaps their most illus- 
 trious citizen. Their whole claim to learning con- 
 sisted in being able to talk Greek; and as to theii 
 excellence in the mechanical arts, such as sculpture 
 and painting, they are far excelled by the manufac- 
 turers of Birmingham and Sheffield, in skill, and by 
 the pot-bakers of Staffordshire, in the art of painting 
 And how can it be otherwise, since it is morally im- 
 possible it should be otherwise, in all free states. 
 
 The great and universal stimulus to excellence of 
 every kind is a desire to please those above us. To 
 the applauses of our equals we are indifferent, and the 
 admiration of our inferiors only excites our contempt 
 A conquering general, followed by thousands of peo- 
 ple shouting at his heels, throwing up their caps, and 
 giving way to all the extravagances of vulgar enthu- 
 siasm, surveys the vile crowd with disdain, and sighs 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 68, Eng. Ed. f Ditto. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 293 
 
 for the glorious privilege of being permitted to kneel 
 at the footstool of his most august and gracious sov- 
 ereign, and to kiss his hand. "What is the applause 
 and admiration of a whole people, compared to being 
 made a Knight Companion of Bath, and called Sir ? 
 This noble desire to please the great, is founded on 
 the conviction that they alone are worth pleasing, be- 
 cause they only have the power of rewarding. It is 
 by their approbation and influence alone that merit 
 can hope to attain to its reward, in the possession of 
 titles, the only object of honourable ambition, and of 
 wealth, the sole means of rational enjoyment. 
 
 But where there is no distinction of rank and, all 
 men are equal, the universal stimulus is wanting. 
 There is nobody to please worth pleasing, because 
 there are no kings, nor nobility, whose smile alone con- 
 fers distinction; and there is nothing worth tasking 
 our genius to attain, because there are neither titles, 
 ribbons, nor pensions. Hence arises the lamentable 
 lack of illustrious men in ancient as well as modern 
 republics, and the deplorable contrast they exhibit 
 when compared with the splendours of Sesostris, 
 Xerxes, Alaric, and Prince Esterhazy in his diamond 
 coat. It is unnecessary to multiply examples to prove 
 that the human mind can never attain to its highest 
 elevation in a republic, and that as the United States 
 never have produced, so it is probable they never will 
 produce, a truly great man, until their government 
 has titles, pensions, and ribbons to bestow. 
 
 The same causes lie at the root of that coarseness, 
 rudeness, and forwardness of manner, for which these 
 immaculate republicans (as the Quarterly says*) are 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 68, Eng. ed. 
 
294 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 SO infamously distinguished. All the regulations of 
 polite life, and all refinements of manners, are the 
 result of imitation ; and people never think of imi- 
 tating their equals, much less their inferiors. Now, 
 nothing can be clearer than that where all are equal, 
 as in this immaculate republic, there can be nobody 
 to be imitated, and consequently no refinement of 
 manners, and no judicious perception of what is due 
 to themselves or to others. People unacquainted with 
 the divine majesty of a king, the splendours of his 
 nobility, and the wealth of his bishops, cannot pos- 
 sibly have any proper idea of the dignity of human 
 nature. Having no standard among them, it is plain 
 they must degenerate into barbarism, merely for want 
 of a proper example. That awe which seizes the mind 
 in the presence of a king, runs through all the grada- 
 tions of life. In the presence of a nobleman, it be- 
 comes a due respect for rank — in that of a bishop, a 
 proper sense of religion — and finally, by degrees, it 
 settles down into that refined sentiment of politeness, 
 which proportions its attentions to the dress, equipage, 
 and general appearance of wealth, which a man ex- 
 hibits to the world. 
 
 Here, on the contrary, where the vulgar system of 
 equality extends to all classes, there exists a certain 
 low jealousy of the pretensions of every man who 
 carries any appearance of superiority or holds himself 
 aloof from the crowd. If he does not sit at table 
 with tag, rag, and bobtail, and condescend to sleep 
 three in a bed with any body the landlord pleases to 
 select for his companions, he may reckon himself for- 
 tunate in escaping without the loss of an eye and 
 a piece of his nose. An instance of this barbarous 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 295 
 
 antipathy to broad-cloth coats, which I omitted to 
 notice at the time, occurred in the steam-boat, coming 
 from Boston. I was dressed in a blue frock of Shep- 
 herd's best regent's-cloth, handsomely embroidered, 
 and every thing else in the first London style, and was 
 leaning over the side railing, when I felt some one 
 almost touch my elbow. On turning round, I saw a 
 fellow in a gray suit of domestic manufacture, a half- 
 worn hat that smacked of the last century, and shoes 
 with soles at least an inch thick. If the truth were 
 known, I verily believe he wore hob-naUs in them. I 
 gave him a look which would have sent a peasant,, in 
 any civilized country, about his business in a hurry. 
 But the creature remained hanging over the railing, 
 close at my elbow, and, on our passing a fir-buUt 
 vessel with a bit of striped bunting at her mast-head, 
 had the impudence to speak to me. " That, I believe, 
 is Old Ironsides," said he. I looked at him with a 
 vacant stare, and said nothing., " I was saying," 
 resumed the homespun creature, "that ship is the 
 United States frigate Constitution. "What a fine old 
 ship ! " — and then his eyes sparkled most intolerably. 
 I looked at him with my quizzing-glass, dropped my 
 under lip, and turned on my heel,, without taking any 
 further notice of him or Old Ironsides, and walked to 
 another part of the boat. In about half a minute he 
 followed me. 
 
 " Pray, sir," said he, " have you the misfortune to be 
 deaf?" No answer. 
 
 " Are you dumb, sir ? " No answer, but a persever- 
 ing glare through the quizzing-glass. 
 
 " If you can neither speak nor hear, may be you 
 can feel," said the turbulent spawn of democracy, 
 
296 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 raising his fist, which was luckily arrested by the 
 little Frenchman, who, I suppose, was resolved that 
 nobody should murder me but himself. " Diable ! " 
 cried the little man, "what is the matter — what has 
 Monsieur John Bull done, that you will knock him 
 down, eh ? " A Frenchman, somehow or other, can 
 do any thing with barbarians. The homespun mon- 
 ster dropped his huge paw, and resumed a perfect 
 good humour. 
 
 " I am wrong," said he, " because he is a stranger I 
 perceive. Had he been one of my own countrymen, 
 I would have licked him for his ill manners." 
 
 " Why, what did monsieur do ? " asked the little 
 Frenchman. 
 
 " I spoke to him twice, and he would not answer 
 me. It is the duty of every gentleman to answer 
 a civil question. He was a stranger and alone, and I 
 thought I would speak to him." 
 
 " Diable ! " said the little man, " don't you know 
 this is the great Monsieur John Bull, the bulwark of 
 religion, the grand restorer of the liberties of Europe, 
 who gained the battle of Waterloo all by himself, and 
 who is the most learned, polite, and refined gentleman, 
 in the whole world ? Eh Men — it is lucky he did not 
 look you stone dead. Don't you see his coat cost 
 ten times as much as yours ? Diable ! it was great 
 courage to speak to him once, much more twice." 
 
 Here all the company burst into a coarse republican 
 laugh, I could never teU at what, and the homespun 
 monster departed with something on his tongue which 
 sounded very much like "a dumbfounded potato." 
 From this little anecdote the reader may form some 
 faint idea of the gross freedom which pervades the 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 297 
 
 manners of these republicans, who pay no more re- 
 spect to regent's-cloth, than they would to the regent 
 himself. 
 
 CHAPTER Xn. 
 
 Miserable conntry — People astoniahed to hear him talk English — Arrive at 
 an inn — Six or seven dead justices lying in the court-yard — None of 
 the Americans speak or write English — Filial piety and parental affec- 
 tion among genuine republicans — Mint-juleps — Barbarous indifference 
 to life in republics — Pig-stealing — Conversation with the emigrant — 
 Broiling a republican — Kepublioaua great snorers — Dr. Thornton's rea- 
 sons for it — Night scene — Is robbed — Landlord's ethics — Apostrophe 
 to liberty — Phenomenon of emigration explained — Anxiety of repub- 
 lican damsels to attract Englislimen — Pulling caps — Meets an old ac- 
 quaintance. 
 
 After travelling aU day over rough roads, and 
 through a dreary, barren wilderness, which is, how- 
 ever, considered one of the best-peopled and best-cul- 
 tivated parts of the country, and where every body 
 was astonished to hear me speak English, we arrived 
 late in the evening at Louisville, the capital of the 
 state of Tennessee. In walking up from the stage- 
 coach to the inn, I stumbled over something, and what 
 was my horror at discovering a dead body weltering 
 in blood ! A little way further on, I stumbled over 
 another, and in this way encountered six or seven, in 
 less than the space of thirty yards. Inquiring the 
 cause of their deaths, and the reason of their exposure 
 in this manner, the landlord seemed at a loss to under- 
 stand me for a few minutes, which I ascribed to my 
 speaking pure English. After a little reflection, how- 
 ever, he seemed to recoUect himself. 
 
298 JOHN BULL IN AMEBICA. 
 
 « O — ay — yes — I recollect — we had a blow-out 
 here last Sunday, and half a dozen troublesome fel- 
 lows, they call justices, were done for by the brave 
 rowdies.* They won't interrupt sport again, I guess." 
 
 I turned sick at the barbarous indifference of this 
 immaculate republican, and asked him why they suf- 
 fered these bodies to remain thus without burial. " O, 
 we let them lie there as a warning to our meddle- 
 some magistrates how they disturb the amusements 
 of gentlemen. We were just roasting a John Bull for 
 not drinking his allowance of whiskey, when these 
 gentry thought proper to interfere, but we soon did 
 their business." I may as well remark here, once for 
 all, that if I make these republicans talk good Eng- 
 lish in my journal, it is only because it is utterly im- 
 possible to reduce their jargon to writing, and, if it 
 were, no civilized reader could possibly understand 
 it. There is not a being living, who is a native of the 
 States, that can talk or write English. 
 
 I designed to question mine host still farther on this 
 matter, but just at the moment there was a great up- 
 roar in an adjoining room, accompanied by cries of 
 murder, upon which he hurried away "to see the 
 sport," as he was pleased to term it. This sport, as 
 I afterwards learned, consisted in an attempt by a 
 promising young republican of about seventeen to 
 gouge his father, who had refused to call for another 
 mint-julep. My companion, who happened to look 
 in, undertook to interpose, but narrowly escaped losing 
 one of his eyes, if not both, by the hands of the old 
 gentleman, (every body is a gentleman here), who 
 caned him for his impertinent interference, patting the 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 299 
 
 promising youth on the head, and swearing he would 
 turn out a true republican. Not content with a single 
 julep, he called for a whole gallon, and they both got 
 lovingly drunk together. Such, indeed, is the rage for 
 mint-juleps here, that nobody will buy a farm at any 
 price unless it produces plenty of mint. 
 
 Reflecting on the barbarous indifference to life 
 which characterizes these republicans,* I did not know 
 but they might take it into their heads to kill me, and 
 therefore proposed to my companion, the worthy emi- 
 grant, that we should sleep in the same room that 
 night, for mutual comfort and protection. He seemed 
 delighted with the proposal, and we accordingly, after 
 supper, adjourned to a double-bedded room, the door 
 of which we locked, my friend putting the key into 
 his pocket for safety. He then took out the fifty- 
 eighth number of the Quarterly, and began to read 
 the review of Faux's celebrated tour in America, 
 which he said he could almost swear he had written 
 himself, so exactly did it tally with his own observa- 
 tion and experience. 
 
 " And do the judges actually steal pigs ? ", inquired 
 I. " Pigs ! ", answered my friend, " ay, and every thing 
 else they can lay their hands on. It is a common 
 thing for them to summon a man before them, in 
 order to insure his absence from home, that they may 
 have an opportunity of robbing his pig-sty without 
 interruption." f 
 
 " And they take bribes, too, I suppose ? " 
 
 " You may say that," replied he. " There is not a 
 judge in the whole country that can resist a pig or 
 two. But it is seldom so high a bribe is offered, ex- 
 * Vide Quarterly. t Vide Quarterly. 
 
300 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 cept when a man wants to be acquitted of two or 
 three murders. The most common douceur is a paper 
 of pins, and for this you may get a decision which 
 will entitle you to a thousand or two acres of the 
 best land in the world. You will have to kill half a 
 dozen squatters in order to get possession, but this is 
 considered a mere trifle." 
 
 " And were you not jesting, when you talked about 
 their burning people on a log-fire when they refuse to 
 drink?" 
 
 " Not in the least," said he ; "I solemnly assure 
 you that nothing is more common than such a frolic. 
 I knew several instances of fathers serving their own 
 children, and boys their own fathers, in this manner, 
 during my stay at English Prairie ; and it is certain 
 the custom is common in all the states." 
 
 Just at this instant a most poignant smeU per- 
 vaded our room, like that which accompanies the 
 broiling of a rasher of bacon on the coals. My friend 
 snuffed up the savoury aroma, and exclaimed, 
 
 " There ! — they are at it now, I'll bet a thousand 
 pounds. They're broiling some poor fellow, to a cer- 
 tainty." * 
 
 «'Tis bacon," said I. 
 
 "'Tis a man," said he. " I can swear to the smell. 
 I've had too much experience to be mistaken." And 
 thereupon he began reading the fifty-eighth number 
 of the Quarterly again, with tears in his eyes. 
 
 It now waxed late in the night. The smell of the 
 
 broiled republican subsided, the uproar of the inn 
 
 gradually died away, and nothing was heard save the 
 
 owl, the whippoor-will, the bull-frog, the wolf, the 
 
 • Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 801 
 
 watch-dog, and the sonorous tuning of many a vocal 
 nose chaunting sweet hallelujahs to the pure spirit of 
 democracy. The Americans are, in truth, the greatest 
 snorers in the world, which is doubtless owing to their 
 aU sleeping with their mouths wide open. I was puz- 
 zled to account for this habit, until Dr. Thornton after- 
 wards assured me they slept with their mouths wide 
 open for the convenience of swallowing a mint-julep, 
 which was always poured down their throats before 
 they awoke in the morning, to keep them from getting 
 the intermitting fever. Late as it was, I felt no in- 
 clination to sleep. I looked out of the window, and 
 by the light of the moon could distinguish the bodies 
 of the unfortunate magistrates, their pale faces turned 
 upwards, and their white teeth shining in the silvery 
 ray. Presently I saw a man cautiously stealing along 
 towards the piggery, which is always in one corner 
 of the kitchen for the sake of security. He disap- 
 peared through the kitchen window ; in a few moments 
 a musket was fired, and I heard no more of the mat- 
 ter. The next morning all was explained. It was a 
 neighbouring judge, who, feeling an inclination for 
 one of mine host's fat porkers, invaded his pig-sty 
 that night. But, to use the landlord's choice phrase, 
 " he got his bitters," — that is to say, he was shot 
 through the head by mine host who was on the watch, 
 and I saw his body lying with the rest the next day. 
 
 Still sleep fled from my eyes, " the innocent sleep," 
 for it could not exist amid these republican horrors. 
 My companion grew more and more ardent in his 
 persuasions for me to go to bed. " We wiU take turns 
 to watch, and I wiU begin. Have you any arms ? — 
 give them to me." I handed him my pistols, and at 
 
802 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 length overcome by his persuasions went to bed. It 
 was long ere I could compose myself to rest; but 
 finally the fatigues of the day by degrees overpowered 
 my apprehensions, and T fell asleep. How long I 
 slept I know not, but I was disturbed by something 
 rummaging under my pillow, where I had placed my 
 watch and pocket-book. The lights were all out, and I 
 could see nothing ; but, thinking the little Frenchman 
 was certainly come again, I called out " Murder ! ", as 
 loud as I could, and thereupon heard the door open, 
 and somebody run off down the passage, as fast as pos- 
 sible. Presently mine host, and several other persons, 
 came into the room with lights, and inquired what 
 was the matter. 
 
 " There has been an attempt to rob and murder 
 me," replied I. 
 
 " Well, what of that?" replied mine host. " You 
 need not have made such an infernal uproar, and dis- 
 turbed the whole house about nothing." 
 
 " Nothing ! — do you call robbing and murdering a 
 man, nothing ? " 
 
 " Yes," replied he, "just next to nothing. I have 
 known a dozen people robbed and murdered in this 
 house, with less noise than the stirring of a mouse. 
 But let us see if you have lost any thing." 
 
 On examination, I found my watch and pocket- 
 book, which I had placed under my pillow, safe; but 
 my pockets were rifled, and my pistols missing, toge- 
 ther with the fifty-eighth number of the Quarterly. 
 
 " But where is your companion ? " asked some one. 
 " Far enough from hence by this time, I'll warrant 
 you," said mine host. 
 
 " What d'ye mean by that?" said I. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 303 
 
 " I mean that he has got your purse and pistols, and 
 you won't see him again in a hurry. The moment 
 he came into the house last night, I knew him for the 
 English swindler who broke jail last spring." 
 
 " And why didn't you tell me he was a swindler? ", 
 said I indignantly. 
 
 " Why, to say the truth, I took you for another. 
 Such pointers generally hunt in couples. Besides, 
 there is so little diiFerence, among us genuine repub- 
 licans, between an honest man and a swindler, that 
 the distinction is not worth pointing out." 
 
 " I shall go to the justice and lay an information," 
 said I. 
 
 " You needn't give yourself the trouble," replied 
 mine host carelessly ; " there was but one justice left 
 in aU this county, and him I shot last night for mak- 
 ing free with my pig-sty." 
 
 " O, liberty ! ", ejaculated I, in the bitterness of my 
 heart, "thou art but a name — or rather thou art a 
 name for all that degrades and disgraces human na- 
 ture. "Well may the Quarterly " — Here my soliloquy 
 was cut short by the blowing of the driver's tin trum- 
 pet, the signal for departure, and what further I would 
 have said must remain a secret to posterity for ever. 
 
 The disappointed emigrant from English Prairie 
 did not make his appearance, and I pursued my jour- 
 ney, wrapt in solitary reflections. Insensibly I fell 
 into a train of thought which led to an inquiry into 
 the extraordinary paradox, that a country like this, 
 destitute of every virtue, and devoid of every attrac- 
 tion under heaven,* should thus have imposed upon 
 the whole world, (except the Quarterly Reviewers), 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
304 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 and lured from all parts of Christendom crowds of 
 emigrants, who, tired as it would seem, of the calm 
 and happy security of legitimate governments, have 
 sought misery and disappointment in these barbarous 
 wilds. But mankind, thought I, have ever been the 
 dupes of boastful pretension and arrogant assump- 
 tions of superiority. The credulity of ignorance is 
 unbounded: and when we revert to the belief even 
 of sages and philosophers ; the errors of Galileo and 
 Copernicus, with regard to the great system of the 
 universe ; the blunders of Newton ; and the follies of 
 Philopoemen ; it were hardly just to blame the errors 
 of the common people. It is, therefore, excusable in 
 the peasantry of distant countries, that they should be 
 thus seduced by thousands to leave their homes, by 
 the impudent falsehoods every day palmed upon them 
 by Mr. Birkbeck and other retailers of radical trash. 
 
 But there is one thing which puzzled me at first. 
 Notwithstanding the disappointments of these poor 
 people, their being gouged, dirked, roasted, and pil- 
 laged of their porkers by the judges ; their being regu- 
 lated and rowdied, and obliged to cut down trees as 
 big round as a hogshead — notwithstanding there is 
 neither law, gospel, decency, nor morality in the whole 
 country, and that no honest person can possibly live 
 in it — notwithstanding that every emigrant, without 
 exception,* is sighing, ready to break his heart, to get 
 home — notwithstanding all this, I say, it is a remark- 
 able fact, that not one in a thousand ever goes home 
 again! They actually seem to be fascinated to the 
 spot by the charm of misery and despair, like the bird 
 which flies into the jaws of the rattlesnake, in pure 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 305 
 
 horror of his detestable rattles and poisonous tooth. 
 Nay, some of them even contaminate the pure Cock- 
 ney blood of Englishmen, of which the old giants 
 were so excessively fond,* by mixing it with that of 
 the "guessing, gouging, bundling damsels" of this 
 abominable democracy. Not content with flirting with 
 them, they actually marry them, that is, when they 
 are very rich, which indeed is some extenuation. But, 
 in justice to these unfortunate men, I must acknowl- 
 edge that such are the pains taken by these republican 
 damsels to attract and entrap our countrymen, that it 
 is a miracle that any one escapes. I happened to go 
 into a shop, not long since, to buy a laced cap on 
 speculation, for which the man asked nearly twice as 
 much as when I looked at it some time before. On 
 my complaining of this, he replied — 
 
 " O, sir, the price of laced caps has risen a hundred 
 per cent, lately." 
 
 " From what cause ? " said I. 
 
 " Why, sir, the truth is, that Major Tightbody, the 
 tall, handsome Englishman, has lately arrived, and the 
 young ladies have been puUing caps for him at such 
 a rate, that it is computed upwards of five hundred 
 have been more or less torn to pieces in consequence. 
 Judging from your appearance, sir," continued he, 
 bowing, " I should not be surprised if you had been, 
 accessory to the destruction of a few." Whereupon. 
 I bought his cap without further hesitation. 
 
 But to return to the main point : — the pertinacity 
 
 with which these poor deluded emigrants persist in 
 
 * " Fee, faw, fiim, 
 
 I smell the blood of Englishmen ; 
 Dead or alive I ■will have some." 
 
 Jack and liia becm-italk. 
 20 
 
306 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 remaining in this miserable, degraded, debauched, de- 
 istical country, convinces me that people may actually 
 be persuaded out of their five senses. This is the 
 only way of explaining the phenomenon ; for it is im- 
 possible, by any other hypothesis to account for their 
 continxiing to suffer in this dog's misery, when they 
 can be sent home free of expense, provided they will 
 only make affidavit on their arrival that there is 
 neither food, raiment, religion, law, nor honesty, 
 among these republicans. As an illustration of this 
 unaccountable attachment to misery, I will relate an 
 incident that occurred to me in Philadelphia. In 
 strolling about one morning, whom should I meet but 
 the unfortunate, deluded, and seduced emigrant I had 
 picked out of the gutter in New York and procured a 
 free passage for to England. The feUow was, as usual, 
 pretty handsomely "corned," as my friend, the com- 
 municative traveller, has it. On expressing my sur- 
 prise at his being stUl here in this miserable country, 
 he hiccoughed out — 
 
 " Why, please your honour, I considered better of 
 
 it afterwards ; for, says I, ' this is a d d miserable 
 
 country to be sure, but then Old England is rather 
 worse, and a prudent man will always stick to the les- 
 ser evil, my hearty. ' " " Go to the ," said I. " I'm 
 
 going to the tavern," quoth he ; and staggered over to 
 the sign of some famous Yankee general — I believe 
 they call him Washington. 
 
JOHN BULL m AMERICA. 307 
 
 CHAPTER Xm. 
 
 AnthoT congiatnlates himself on being alone in the stage — Detestable socia- 
 bility of republicans — Turbulent spirit of democracy — Driver a free- 
 holder — Sunday sports among republicans — Republican mode of driving 
 into a place in style — Republican students — Republican courage — Re- 
 publican law to encourage learning — Republican impiety — Republican 
 bargain between a republican professor of divinity and a republican old 
 widow — Republican lies — Republican students — Republican frolic — 
 Republican mode of paying tavem-bUls — Arrival at Philadelphia — Story 
 of Eamsbottom — Liberty the root of all evil, &c. 
 
 I FOUND myself alone in the stage this morning, 
 greatly to my satisfaction. Nothing, indeed, is so 
 annoying to a well-bred Englishman as being in com- 
 pany with half a dozen of these immaculate republi- 
 cans, who think, because they pay the same fare, they 
 have a right to talk with any of their fellow-passen- 
 gers without ceremony. They have, in truth, a most 
 detestable sociability about them, which obtrudes it- 
 self upon every body, and pays no more respect to a 
 stranger in a fashionable coat, than to an old ac- 
 quaintance in rags. They stand as erect in the pres- 
 ence of a great man as in that of a little one, and I 
 verily believe if the king were to come among them, 
 they would use no more ceremony in asking him 
 questions, than if he were a pig-stealing judge. This 
 insolent familiarity is another of the precious products 
 of the turbulent spirit of democracy, which, by incul- 
 cating the absurd doctrine of equality, destroys that 
 salutary deference to wealth and splendour, without 
 which it is scarcely worth a man's while to be either 
 rich or splendid. It sickens me to see a fellow in 
 a threadbare coat and tattered wool-hat making up 
 
308 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 to a gentleman, with his head erect and his hat on the 
 top of it, and asking him a question without the least 
 stammering or hesitation, as you wUl see done every- 
 day in this bear-garden of democracy. The pleasure 
 I felt in being alone was, notwithstanding, somewhat 
 alloyed by the idea of travelling unarmed in this 
 region of banditti, and without any companion to 
 assist me in case of an attack. But, when I came to 
 recoUect that considerably more than three fourths of 
 the people of this puissant republic were themselves 
 rogues and banditti, I comforted myself with the as- 
 surance that if I had any fellow-passengers, it would 
 be at least three to one in favour of their robbing me 
 themselves, rather than protecting me from others. 
 
 I soon found, however, that I was reckoning with- 
 out my host, in supposing I should be rid of the 
 annoyance of talking. The driver turned out a most 
 sociable fellow, and seemed to think it incumbent 
 upon him to entertain his solitary passenger. He 
 took occasion to inform me that one of the houses 
 we passed belonged to no less a person than himself ; 
 that he was sole proprietor of one hundred acres of 
 land ; and that he was only driving the stage on this 
 occasion in consequence of an accident that happened 
 to the person who usually officiated. I thought it best 
 to humour the feUow, having been assured by an inti- 
 mate friend, (one of the writers of the Quarterly), that 
 if the stage-drivers of this country got displeased with 
 their passengers, they always took the first opportunity, 
 in passing a bad piece of road, to upset the carriage 
 and break some of their bones. As to the risk they 
 themselves run 'on these occasions, they think nothing 
 of it, being at all times perfectly willing to endangei: 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 309 
 
 their own necks for the pleasure of revenging an 
 affront. For this reason all travellers in this country, 
 who wish to escape with whole bones, make a point 
 of being agreeable to the stage-drivers and treating 
 them to whiskey at every tavern. This is the only 
 way they can travel with any remote chance of safety. 
 
 Such being the case, I was resolved to humour the 
 fellow, and be affable ; so I asked what the accident 
 was which procured me the honour of being driven 
 by a republican landholder. 
 
 " O, a mere trifle," replied he — " he happened to 
 get both eyes gouged out yesterday in a frolic." 
 
 " Frolic ! " said I — "do they frolic here on Sun- 
 days ? " 
 
 " To be sure they do ; it's an idle day, and what 
 else should they do — you wouldn't have them work, 
 would you ? " 
 
 " Why, no ; but then they might go to church, you 
 know." 
 
 " Church ! — what's that ? O, now I recollect. I 
 saw a church once in Nova Scotia ; but we've none in 
 these parts, so it would be rather a long Sabbath-day's 
 journey to find one." 
 
 " Well, but they might stay at home and read the 
 Bible, or some other good book ; or they might at least 
 say' their prayers." 
 
 " Read ! " quoth Jehu — " why, d n me if I don't 
 
 believe you're of our bloody aristocrats ! No, no ; we 
 love liberty too well to oblige our children to go to 
 school, and they love it too weU to go if we sent them. 
 Nobody can read here but your emigrant foreigners, 
 and that's the reason we don't allow them to vote or 
 hold offices." 
 
310 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 A precious admission, thought I; the Quarterly- 
 shall know this. " But what becomes of your children 
 while they are growing up, and before they are put to 
 a trade or can work in the fields ? " 
 
 " O, they are left pretty much to themselves, to 
 learn the habits of freemen. They play in the road, 
 and amuse themselves with frightening horses as they 
 go by. Or they worry the puppies and kittens for 
 amusement, when there are no little niggers to set the 
 dogs at. Their principal business, however, is to learn 
 to chew tobacco, spit against the wind, drink whiskey, 
 and beat their mothers for a frolic." 
 
 A hopeful bringing up, thought I. " But is it possi- 
 ble that you have neither churches, preachers, school- 
 masters, nor Bibles, among you ? " 
 
 " Not a son of a b h of them," replied he. "We 
 
 want nothing here, and, of course, there is no neces- 
 sity for praying, nor for parsons and churches. For 
 your school-masters, they only serve to break down 
 the spirit of liberty by whipping the boys ; and for 
 the book you mention, I think I did see one once 
 somewhere or other, I believe in Nova Scotia." 
 
 " But what do you do, then, on Sundays ? " 
 
 " O, we don't want for amusement. We spend it 
 in drinking, dirking, gouging, pig-stealing, swearing, 
 guessing, bundling, and other pleasant recreations.* 
 But we begin to tire of these, as you know people 
 will after a while, and besides, there are hardly any 
 peepers left in the whole country, and the sport of 
 gouging begins to fail. My driver and myself were 
 the only two left in forty miles round with a pair of 
 eyes a piece, and he lost both his, yesterday, as I told 
 you. I expect mine will go next." 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEBICA. 311 
 
 " This is quite melancholy," said I. " "What will 
 you do when there are no eyes to be gouged out ? 
 You wUl have to sit down like another Alexander, 
 and weep that there are no more worlds to conquer." 
 
 " No danger of that," replied Jehu. " There is 
 always plenty of variety. When the eyes are all out 
 we fall to biting noses,* and, by the time they get 
 scarce, the little boys wiU grow big enough to have 
 their eyes put out. It is like the spring, when one 
 flower pops up as another fades — when strawberries 
 are succeeded by cherries, and cherries by blackber- 
 ries, and blackberries by apples, pears, peaches, pump- 
 kins, and potatoes. But yonder is Princeton, and 
 huzza for a dashing drive up." 
 
 So saying, he cracked his whip, put his horses to 
 their speed, routed a flock of sheep, ran over a litter 
 of pigs, two blind men, and a professor of mineralogy 
 with his pockets fuH of specimens, and finished by 
 upsetting the stage against a pump, to the great de- 
 light of a mob of ragged little republicans at the inn- 
 door, who, I afterwards learned, were students of the 
 college pursuing their studies. Luckily I escaped 
 with only a broken shin, which fortunate circumstance 
 the rascal insisted gave him a legitimate claim to a 
 double allowance of whiskey at my hands. 
 
 Princeton is the capital of old Kentuck, as these 
 republican slang-whangers call it, by way of express- 
 ing their affection for that dirking, gouging, swearing, 
 drinking, blaspheming state.f Its principal boast is a 
 college, in which reading and writing by the Lancas- 
 ter method has lately been introduced. There was a 
 formidable opposition to the introduction of these 
 
 * Vide Quarterly, No. 58, Eng. ed. t Ditto. 
 
312 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 aristocratic branches of education, but at length the 
 parents of the students consented, on condition that 
 the matter should stop here. The legislature accord- 
 ingly passed a law, declaring a forfeiture of the char- 
 ter in case of the introduction of any more of these 
 pestilent novelties. The only books they are permit- 
 ted to read are Tom Paine's works ; and such is the 
 rigour with which this statute is enforced, that a stu- 
 dent was expelled the very day before my arrival, 
 only for having a Bible in his possession. It was in 
 vain that he proved himself incapable of reading, hav- 
 ing got only as far as " No man may put off the law." 
 He was made a martyr, in the interest of republican- 
 ism. What became of the offending Bible cannot 
 be certainly said, but it was whispered that the pro- 
 fessor of divinity, (a sort of sinecure here), exchanged 
 it with a pious old lady for a starched band which be- 
 longed to her deceased husband. 
 
 Having an hour's leisure on my hands, I visited the 
 outside of the college, which is a log-hut of about a 
 hundred feet in length, with a thatched roof. The 
 windows are all broken, it being the principal recrea- 
 tion of the students to try their skill by throwing 
 stones at a particular pane, and whoever hits it first 
 is entitled to be head of his class for the day. I did 
 not enter this classic fane, having been told that the 
 penalty of such intrusion on the part of a stranger 
 is a gallon of whiskey, which I did not think worth 
 incurring. Somebody pointed out to me the field 
 where, as these ever-lying, ever-boasting republicans 
 say, General Washington beat the English and Hes- 
 sians most terribly, and took nine hundred prisoners. 
 Here I met an old British soldier, who assured me 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 313 
 
 that he was not only at this battle, but at every one du- 
 ring the American rebellion, and, that so far from this 
 being the fact, it was the British that beat General 
 Washington, and took nine hundred prisoners of the 
 Yankees. He further assured me that they never 
 gained a single victory in both their wars with Eng- 
 land, and that their whole history was a tissue of lies 
 from beginning to end. I asked him why he did not 
 go to England, and write a history to that effect. " It 
 wiU be reviewed in the Quarterly, which will swear 
 to all you say ; certify that you are an honest man, 
 and teU the truth ; * and finally praise your work, so 
 that you will certainly make your fortune by the sale, 
 and perhaps get a pension to boot." 
 
 " But, to teU you the truth, master, I left his majes- 
 ty's service without taking leave. They might — you 
 understand ? " 
 
 " By no means," said I ; " hundreds of deserters 
 have been received and cherished, only through their 
 teUing the truth of these bragging Yankees." 
 
 At dinner I was very much annoyed by young stu-! 
 dents, who gathered round and amused themselves 
 with snatching things from the table, so that in a 
 little time there was nothing left for me to eat. At 
 first I had thoughts of resenting this impertinent 
 outrage, but observing that each one carried a dirk 
 in a side-pocket, the handle of which was perfectly 
 visible, I thought it prudent to say nothing, and join 
 in the laugh which accompanied every successful 
 transfer of meat or vegetables. As it happened, how- 
 ever, I was sufficiently revenged, for in the end they 
 fell out about a favourite bit, drew their dirks, and in 
 * Vide No. 68, art. Faux. 
 
314 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 less than five minutes every soul of them lay dead 
 upon the floor. The uproar brought in the landlord, 
 two or three professors, and a justice of the peace, 
 who, instead of interfering, stood by, enjoying the 
 frolic, as they called it, and laughing at every success- 
 ful push. 
 
 The stage now drove up, greatly to my satisfaction, 
 as I was heartily sick of this classic abode. Such 
 indeed was my haste, that I jumped in without pay- 
 ing my bill, which the landlord politely reminded me 
 of. On my making an apology, he replied carelessly, 
 " O, never mind, sir, this happens so often with our 
 republican travellers, that I think myself well off if 
 one in ten pays me, and him I always charge for all 
 the rest." By this time there was a crowd of ragged 
 students gathered about, and, on its being whispered 
 that I was certainly an Englishman because I paid 
 my bill, there was a cry of " Gouge him ! gouge 
 him!", which certainly would have been done, had 
 not the driver charitably whipped up his horses, and 
 distanced the barbarians, who followed us for half a 
 mile, shouting and hallooing like Indians. 
 
 That the spirit of democracy should thus penetrate 
 into the hallowed recesses of learning and science is 
 not to be wondered at. Liberty is the root of all 
 evil; since nothing is more certain than that if men 
 have not the power to do a thing the will signifies 
 nothing. Hence it arises that rogues and ruffians are 
 chained, to prevent the indulgence of their bad pas- 
 sions. Nothing is so effectual in preventing evU, as 
 taking away the power of doing evil. The more free 
 a people are, according to the Quarterly,* the more 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 315 
 
 wicked they will be, because the privilege of doing 
 every thing not forbidden by the laws will be followed, 
 in the natural course of things, by the liberty of doing 
 every thing contrary to the laws. These axioms are 
 so self-evident that it is unnecessary to insist upon 
 them any further. 
 
 After passing through Natchitoches, Passama- 
 quoddy, Michilimackinac, and other places, whose 
 appearance is as barbarous as their names, we arrived 
 at Philadelphia, the capital of the state of Moyamen- 
 sing. As this is considered the most orderly, polite, 
 civilized, and literary city of the States, I comforted 
 myself with the hope. of meeting with a different re- 
 ception from what I had been hitherto accustomed to, 
 among these immaculate republicans, as the Quarterly 
 says. But, alas !, my hopes rested on a foundation 
 of sand. We had scarcely entered the city when the 
 stage was stopped by a crowd of people gathered 
 around a fresh dead body. The history of this trans- 
 action is as follows, and furnishes a happy illustration 
 of the blessings of pure democracy. 
 
 It seems a fellow named Ramsbottom, a man-mil- 
 liner by trade, and a genuine republican, had taken 
 offence at a neighbour whose name was Higginbot- 
 tom, because his wife had attempted to cheapen a 
 crimped tucker at his shop, and afterwards reported 
 that he sold things dearer than his rival man-mUliner 
 over the way, whose name was Winterbottom, and 
 whose next-door neighbour was one Oddy. In the 
 pure spirit of democracy, Ramsbottom determined to 
 dirk, not only Higginbottom, but Winterbottom, and 
 Oddy, together with their wives, and all the Higgin- 
 bottoms, Winterbottoms, Oddys, and little Oddities. 
 
316 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 It was a long time before he could get them aU to- 
 gether, so as to make one job of it.* At length he 
 collected the party at his own house, to keep their 
 Christmas eve, and determined to execute his diabol- 
 ical purpose. It appears, however, from what fol- 
 lowed, that he had changed his mind as to dirking ; 
 for, just as they were up to their eyes in a Christmas- 
 pie, a sudden explosion took place, the house blew 
 up, and every soul perished, Ramsbottom, Higgin- 
 bottom, Winterbottom, Oddy, the little Ramsbottoms, 
 Higginbottoms, Winterbottoms, Oddys, and Oddities. 
 Such is the ferocity and thirst of vengeance generated 
 in the hot-bed of democracy, that this desperado, 
 Ramsbottom, scrupled not, like the republican Saiar 
 son of old, to pull down destruction on himself, only 
 for the pleasure of being revenged on his enemies.* 
 
 CHAPTER XrV. 
 
 Philadelphia — Origin of the phrase, " coming out at the little end of the 
 horn" — Republican sour bread — Spirit of Democracy — Advances in 
 civilization here — Marquis of Tweedale — Watchmen — Stoiy of a 
 republican watchman, and a republican market-woman — Literature— 
 Port Folio — Franklin, Washington, and all the great men of this coun- 
 try, born under the King's government — Cooper, Walsh, Irviag, all 
 visited England — Theory on this head — State of religion — Jefferson -7 
 Madison — Adams — Republican gratitude — Little Frenchman — Black 
 dog — Sodom and Gomorrah — Author gets into the wrong box — Brutal 
 conduct of the captain of the steam-boat — Author is tempted by Satan 
 in the shape of the little Frenchman — Bristol — Author goes to bed in 
 dudgeon without supper — Catastrophe of the cook in consequence. 
 
 The city of Philadelphia, (every thing is a city here), 
 is a little higgledy-piggledy place with hardly a decent 
 
 • It will be perceived that our author is veiy fond of this story Am. Ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 317 
 
 house in it, whose principal trade consists in the ex- 
 portation of tony and pepperpot. It is situate be- 
 tween two rivers, the Delaware on the West, and the 
 Schuylkill on the East. The former is a decent sort 
 of a river, but nothing to be compared to the Thames, 
 or the Avon. The streets, for the most part, are laid 
 out in the shape of a ram's horn, at the little end of 
 which commonly reside that class of people who have 
 been unfortunate in business. Hence the expression, 
 " coming out at the little end of the horn." There are 
 no public buildings, nor indeed any thing else worthy 
 of a stranger's notice, and so I pass them by as un- 
 worthy of notice. 
 
 I took lodgings, (for I hate your first-rate hotels) , at 
 the sign of the Goose and Gridiron, where, for the 
 first time since my arrival in the States, I tasted sweet 
 bread.* I was at a loss to account for this phenom- 
 enon, until I found my landlady was an English 
 woman. It is a singular fact, noticed by all travellers 
 in this country, that, go where you wiU, the bread is 
 sure to be sour. Whether this is owing to the yeast, 
 to the bad taste of these republicans, or to some in- 
 trinsic quality in the wheat, I cannot say. I am rather 
 inclined to the latter opinion, because the grapes in 
 this country, as well as the apples, peaches, and every 
 species of fruit I tasted, are as sour as vinegar. There 
 must be some acidity in the soil or air, or both, to 
 produce this disagreeable singularity. Or perhaps 
 after all it is owing to the turbulent spirit of democ- 
 racy. 
 
 It is not without some reason that Philadelphia is 
 called the Athens of America, since, among other 
 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. ed. 
 
318 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 advances iii civilization, the people sometimes wash 
 their hands and faces. This practice was introduced 
 about seven years ago, by the Marquis of Tweedale 
 and his suite. It was at first violently opposed, as 
 an aristocratic custom, unworthy of freemen ; but it 
 gradually made its way, and there are now few, ex- 
 cept the radicals and ultra democrats, that demur to 
 the practice. The popular opinion is, however, rather 
 against it, and it is seldom that a person with clean 
 hands and face is elected to any office, unless he can 
 demonstrate his republicanism by a red nose, a black 
 eye, or some other unequivocal mark of his high call- 
 ing. 
 
 The city has also a nightly watch, a peculiarity I 
 did not observe either at Boston or New York. *Here 
 watchmen are obliged to call the hour through the whole 
 night, an excellent regulation, as I supposed, since 
 this is pretty good evidence of a man's being awake. 
 But the spirit of democracy evades every salutary 
 regulation it seems, and I was assured by a worthy 
 alderman, a native of England, that these fellows, 
 from long habit, call the hour as regularly sleeping as 
 waking, so that this afforded no additional security to 
 the citizens. The alderman told me that not less than 
 three or four watchmen were robbed at their posts 
 every night ; and nothing was more common than a 
 fellow to be bawling out « All's well," when somebody 
 was actually picking his pockets. The alderman re- 
 lated a humorous instance. 
 
 It seems a sturdy watchman, (who, being considered 
 the best of the gang at a nap, was always placed at 
 some responsible post), was nodding in his box, when 
 a wag of a thief took ofF his hat, and put in its place 
 
JOHN BULL IN APlIBEICA. 319 
 
 a night-cap, which he had stolen from an old apple- 
 woman who lived near the ferry-stairs in High street. 
 The hat he straightway carried to her house, and left 
 there. The old dame, upon discovering the theft, set 
 out bright and early, with the watchman's hat on her 
 head for want of a better, to lay her complaint before 
 the police, when, as luck would have it, she saw the 
 vigilant child of the night, stiU nodding in his box, 
 with her cap on his head. The Amazon seized her 
 property, and cried out " Stop thief ! " with such as- 
 tonishing vigour, that she actually awoke the watch- 
 man, although people who best knew him thought it 
 was impossible. The watchman, rubbing his eyes, 
 and seeing the apple-woman with his hat on her head, 
 naturally concluded that the cry of " Stop thief! " ap- 
 plied to her. Upon which he conducted her at once 
 to the police-court, to which the lady followed with 
 great alacrity, supposing she had the watchman in 
 custody. When arrived at the court, there was the 
 dense to pay. The watchman charged the apple- 
 woman with stealing his hat ; the apple - woman 
 charged the watchman with stealing her cap ; the 
 police -justice scratched his head ; and the clerk 
 gnawed two goose-quills to the stump. But what 
 was most to be admired, two lawyers were, literally, 
 puzzled to death by the knotty controversy ; and to 
 puzzle a Philadelphia lawyer is proverbially difficult. 
 In conclusion, the watchman was broken, as the safest 
 course ; but the sovereign people, looking upon him as 
 an oppressed citizen, immediately elected him an al- 
 derman. 
 
 There is a great show, or rather affectation, of litera- 
 ture here, and the good people crow in their cups a 
 
320 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 good deal, on account of the oldest periodical paper 
 in the States being published here. It is called the 
 Port FoHo * and is really so old that it may be justly 
 pronounced quite superannuated. But I did not find 
 any other special indications of a flourishing state of 
 literature. To be sure, here and there you meet with 
 a young lady that can read large print, and a young 
 gentleman that can tell a B from a bull's foot, by the 
 aid of a quizzing-glass. But there never has been an 
 original work produced here of American manufacture; 
 and the only translation I ever met with is that of the 
 almanac into High-Dutch. They likewise boast of 
 one Franklin, a great hand at flying kites, and one of 
 the first manufacturers of lightning-rods. I had heard 
 him spoken of respectfully at home, so am willing to 
 allow he was clever. But after all, what have these peo- 
 ple to boast of on this head ? Both Washington and 
 Franklin, and indeed all the respectable sort of men 
 who figure in the history of this country, were born 
 under the king's government, and are therefore to all 
 intents and purposes Englishmen. Franklin spent a 
 long time in England, and though there is no account 
 of Washington's ever having been there, his being able 
 to read and write, of which there are pretty clear proofs, 
 furnishes a sufficient presumption that he must have 
 been there, or where could he have got his learning? 
 At all events, they lived the best part of their lives 
 under the genial and fostering influence of monar- 
 chial institutions : and that all their talents and virtues 
 originated in that circumstance is proved, first, by 
 their never having done any thing worthy of admira- 
 
 f* 1800 — 1827, under the editorship successively of Joseph Dennie, 
 Nicholas Biddle, Charles Caldwell, and John E. Hall.] 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 321 
 
 tion, after the establishment of the republican system 
 here ; and secondly, by the singular fact, that, from that 
 time to the present, there has not been a man of or- 
 dinary talents or acquirements produced in the coun- 
 try. Mr. Cooper and Mr. Irving have, it is true, 
 gained some little reputation ; but I am credibly in- 
 formed that the former of these gentlemen has been 
 once or twice in England, and that the latter never 
 wrote English until he had been long enough there to 
 forget the jargon of his own country. So, after all, 
 they furnish no exception to my rule, which I have 
 the happiness to say is sanctioned by the Quarterly. 
 As to Mr. Walsh, who had the hardihood to tilt with 
 the Quarterly, he I know was a good while in Eng- 
 land, and there it was, beyond doubt, he poHshed his 
 lance, and learned all the arts of literary warfare. 
 But to put the matter at rest for ever, it is utterly im- 
 possible, as I have sufficiently proved, for any thing 
 elegant, or good, or beautiful, or great, to take root in 
 the polluted sink of that earthly pandemonium, a gen- 
 uine republic* 
 
 Religion, like literature, is at a low ebb here, or 
 rather there is neither ebb nor flood, on account of 
 there being no religion at all. This might be expected 
 from the absence of an established church with exclu- 
 sive privileges over all denominations of sectarians. 
 The Quakers are numerous here, and it is utterly im- 
 possible there should be any pure orthodox religion 
 where they predominate, since we all know that they 
 preach voluntarily, as the spirit moves them, and with- 
 out fee or reward. Now, I have already proved that 
 a religion which costs nothing is good for nothing. 
 
 * Vide No. 68, Eng. ed. 
 21 
 
322 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 It unquestionably is with religion as with every thing 
 else, the more we pay for it the higher value we set 
 upon the purchase, and the better we are likely to be- 
 come.* On the contrary, a people who get their 
 piety gratis, must, of necessity, in a little time be- 
 come impious. In proof of this, I was told by my 
 landlady, a very respectable widow, that there was a 
 society in each of the wards of the city, composed of 
 the principal Quakers and others, to put down reli- 
 gion altogether, by the simple and certain means of 
 not persecuting any particular sect, or giving any one 
 exclusive privileges. This wicked design, aided by 
 the destruction of all the Bibles, which they have 
 bought up and burned, is likely, my landlady assured 
 me, to banish, at no distant period, every trace of or- 
 thodoxy from this crooked, Quakerish, and abandoned 
 city. It is better to be a bigot without religion than 
 religious without bigotry. Nothing, in short, leads so 
 inevitably to an indifference to all religion, as the doc- 
 trine of toleration, which makes all equal in the par- 
 ticipation of wealth and civil rights. The enjoyment 
 of superior privileges and immunities on one hand, 
 and the deprivation of them on the other, generates a 
 salutary opposition between the two parties, exceed- 
 ingly favourable to the interests of religion. The party 
 in the enjoyment of these superior immunities will 
 endeavour, by superior piety, to prove that it deserves 
 them ; and the party out of possession, wiU strive, by 
 the same means, to prove that though it may not pos- 
 sess, it at least deserves, a full share. Thus will the 
 worst passions of the mind, envy, hatred, and fear, as 
 it were by miracle, harmoniously conduce to the pres- 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 323 
 
 ervation and increase of the true faith. But there is 
 nothing of this in the pure system of democracy, and 
 consequently there is no religion but unbelief, no 
 morals but what consist in a total relaxation of moral- 
 ity, and no deity but Satan, the first republican on 
 record, as the Quarterly says. 
 
 As these immaculate republicans have neither reli- 
 gion nor morals, so are they entirely destitute of 
 gratitude. It will hardly be believed, but is neverthe- 
 less a fact, that Mr. Jefferson, the author of their 
 famous Declaration of Independence, the oracle of 
 republicans, the former president of the United States, 
 and, after Satan, the prince of democrats — the man 
 whom the people toast at all their public meetings, 
 and pretend to revere next to Washington — is, at 
 this moment, an actor on the Philadelphia boards for 
 bread!* I saw him myself, or I would not have be- 
 lieved it, bad as I think these miserable republicans. 
 Yet, with this damning fact staring them full in the 
 face, they are every day boasting of their gratitude to 
 their benefactors, at the gorgeous feasts given to Gen- 
 eral La Fayette. I hope the Quarterly will touch 
 them up on this score in the next number. Of their 
 other surviving presidents, Mr. Madison,-)- as I was 
 assured, teaches a school in some remote part of Vir- 
 ginia, and Mr. Adams lives in great obscurity some- 
 where in the neighbourhood of Boston! This is a 
 natural consequence of abolishing the excellent sys- 
 tem of pensions and sinecures. I confess, I felt a 
 
 * The author has confounded our old favourite the comedian, ynfh 
 Thomas Jefferson, the late president. But this is a mistake pardonable in a 
 stranger. — Am. Editor, 
 
 [t The Bight Beverend James Madison, bishop of Virginia, was president 
 of William and Maiy College, at Williamsburg, Ya.] 
 
324 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 little iU-natured satisfaction at the fate of Jefferson 
 and Madison, when I considered that the first picked 
 a quarrel with England on pretence of maintaining 
 the rights of his country, and the other had the wick- 
 edness to declare war against her, while she was 
 struggling for the liberties of Europe, now so happUy 
 secured in the keeping of the Holy Alliance. Nor 
 indeed could I find it in my heart to be sorry for Mr. 
 Adams, who was one of the prime movers of the 
 rebellion, and a principal piUar of the revolution.* 
 Nothing can furnish a clearer proof of the divine right 
 of kings than the fact, that history does not record an 
 instance of a man who took arms against his sove- 
 reign, on whom some signal punishment did not fall, 
 by special interposition of Providence.f 
 
 These reflections, which crossed my mind on seeing 
 an ex-president performing the character of Diggory, 
 were suddenly interrupted by what seemed the sound 
 of a trumpet, directly behind me. On turning round, 
 to note its source, I was struck with horror — it was 
 the little Frenchman, blowing his nose, with his con- 
 founded flowered Madras handkerchief. The story 
 of the diabolical dance at Communipaw — of the little 
 dark gentleman, who could be no other than Satan 
 himself, so like the little Frenchman — rushed upon 
 my mind. I grew desperate — started up — tumbled 
 over the people in the box — burst open the door, and 
 hurried through the lobby into the street, without once 
 looking behind me. Just as I left the box, I heard 
 the little Frenchman say in reply to some question, 
 " Monsieur is not mad — diable !, he is only a little 
 afraid of robbers." 
 
 [* The traveller confonnda Samuel Adams -vrith John Adams.] 
 t Vide Quarterly Keviow — Clarendon's Hist. Rebellion, &o. &o. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 325 
 
 As I walked hastily on toward my lodging, I 
 heard a footstep, pat, pat, close behind me. 'Tis the 
 little Frenchman, thought I — and mended my pace. 
 Still the footsteps continued — pat, pat, pat. I began 
 to run — still the pat, pat, pat, continued, until I 
 arrived at my temporary habitation, where, necessarily 
 stopping for a moment till the door was opened, I felt 
 two great paws pressing heavily upon my shoulders. 
 The door opened, and I rushed in, almost oversetting 
 my good landlady, who eagerly inquired what was the 
 matter. " Satan is at my heels," replied I. " Lack- 
 adaisy! is that all? Nobody minds him here. In- 
 deed, he is so popular that the people would send 
 him to Congress, I dare say, if he liked." " O Sodom 
 and Gomorrah ! " said I, " is there no brimstone left 
 for these impious, rebellious, republican cities ! " The 
 worthy lady paid no attention to this apostrophe, but 
 began to pat a great Newfoundland dog, a mighty 
 favourite, exclaiming, " Why, poor old Neptune, where 
 have you been all this while ? " — then, turning to me, 
 "he must have followed you to the play-house; I 
 noticed he took a great liking to you from the first." 
 
 The night was spent in almost sleepless anxiety. 
 My thoughts continually reverted to the little French- 
 man, the dancing gentleman at Communipaw, and 
 the great black Newfoundland dog, until they got so 
 jumbled up that for my life I could not separate 
 them. I became feverish with indescribable terrors ; 
 and, if I chanced to fall into a doze, was ever and 
 anon disturbed by attempts to break open my door, 
 accompanied by strange and unaccountable moanings 
 and whinings, for which I could not account. The 
 spirit of democracy seemed to be letting slip all his 
 
326 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 legions of malignant fiends to torture me, and I re- 
 solved to quit for ever this city of horrors. Accord- 
 ingly, I rose early, hastened my breakfast, and inquired 
 of the good landlady if there was any conveyance to 
 the South that day. 
 
 " There is a steam-boat which starts about this 
 hour ; but you're not going away in such a hiirry ? " 
 
 " This moment ", I replied, seizing my portman- 
 teau. 
 
 " But you had better send for a porter to carry your 
 baggage." 
 
 " Send for the d 1, in the shape of a little 
 
 Frenchman or a great black dog," said I, impatiently, 
 removing my portmanteau. 
 
 " Better call a hack, then," replied she ; " it's a long 
 way." 
 
 " I'll not wait a minute for aU the carriages in this 
 diabolical city." 
 
 " Why then, sir, yon had better settle your biU be- 
 fore you go — if you are not in too great a hurry," 
 
 This being done, I sallied out with hasty steps 
 toward the river, where I jumped into the first steam^ 
 boat I met with, and was felicitating myself on my 
 escape, when I actually ran my nose right into the 
 mahogany face of the little Frenchman. Starting 
 back, I fell over a basket of onions belonging to an 
 old woman, who let fly at me in the republican style. 
 I was now satisfied in my own mind — " He must be 
 either the evil one, or he deals with the evil one and 
 is therefore a witch." To ease myself of these dis- 
 tracting doubts, after we had left the wharf I called 
 the captain of the steam-boat aside, related my story, 
 and proposed tying the Frenchman neck and heels 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 327 
 
 and throwing him overboard, to see if he would sink 
 or swim. The brute, who I have no doubt was also 
 in league with Satan^ laughed in my face, and re- 
 plied, 
 
 " I would oblige you with pleasure, but we are not 
 allowed to try witches nowadays, in this manner." 
 
 " Not try witches ! " cried I in astonishment ;, " what 
 d'y'e do with them, then ? " (Another proof, thought 
 I, of the absence of all law as well as gospel here). 
 
 " Why, we generally let them run — the Old Boy 
 wiU get them at last, you know, and pay them for all 
 their pranks. But, to teU you truth, we don't believe 
 much in witches nowadays."^ 
 
 " Nor in fairies ? " 
 
 « No." 
 
 " Nor in the Prince of Hohenlohe's miracles?"* 
 
 " No ; I never heard of him." 
 
 « Nor Joanna Southcott's ? " f 
 
 " No ; I never heard of her either ? " 
 
 " Nor vampires ? " 
 
 « No." 
 
 « Nor ghosts ? " 
 
 " Not a single mother's son of them." 
 
 " And what do you suppose has become of them 
 all?" 
 
 [* Alexander Leopold Francis Emmerioli, prince of BOohenlohe-Walden- 
 burg-Schillingsfurst, bom in 1793, died in 1849. He studied; theology, 
 and was ordained priest in 1815. He made a great noise' in' ijie United 
 States by his pretended miracles, especially the relief of Mrs. Ann Mattingly, 
 of Washington, D.C., from a tumor, in response to his prayers,.Miarch 10, 
 1824.J 
 
 [t A female fanatic, whO' flourished in England at the c1ose~of the last, 
 and beginning of the present, century. She made the most shocking pre- 
 tensions, which nevertheless were believed in by many persons. She was, 
 doubtless, insane.] 
 
328 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " They went away about the time the race of gianta 
 and mammoths disappeared, I suppose." 
 
 " In the name of Heaven," cried I to this unbeliev- 
 ing reprobate, " what do you believe, then ? " 
 
 " Why, I believe the moon is not made of green 
 cheese, and that the little Frenchman is no witch," 
 quoth he, and went coolly about his business. 
 
 He had just gone from me when the little French- 
 man came up and offered his box. 
 
 " Ah, monsieur, you ran away from me last night, 
 but I have caught you again this morning. Diable ! 
 I believe the fates ordain we shall never part again." 
 Heaven forbid !, thought I ; but remained silent, hardly 
 knowing what to say. 
 
 " Is monsieur going to New Orleans yet ? ", con- 
 tinned he, after a short pause. 
 
 " I am on my way," replied I, with as much the air 
 of distant hauteur as I could muster up on the occa- 
 sion. 
 
 " Then monsieur has somehow or other turned his 
 nose the wrong way again. Diable !, you are going 
 back to Portsmouth, as sure as a pistol." 
 
 Thou father of lies and deceit, thought I, you shall 
 not impose upon me again, either in the shape of a 
 little Frenchman, or in that of a great black dog. So 
 I said nothing, but eyed him with a look of most mor- 
 tifying incredulity. He shrugged up his shoulders, 
 took a pinch of snufF, and walked away, to frisk 
 among the ladies, with whom the Old Harry has 
 always been somewhat a favourite. The captain, 
 who had just been ashore to steal a score or two of 
 pigs for the supply of his passengers, soon after came 
 up, and asked me, with a smile, if I had found out 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 329 
 
 whether the Kttle man was a witch or not ? I evaded 
 his question, in the true republican style, by asking 
 which way we were going. South or North. 
 
 " [Why North, to be sure, sir." 
 
 « Toward New Orleans ? " 
 
 " No — right from it as straight as an arrow." 
 
 " And why didn't you tell me so ? " replied I in a 
 rage, for I could not stand this imposition. 
 
 " I did, as soon as you inquired. It's not my busi- 
 ness to teU every passenger the way to New Orleans. 
 Every steam-boat is not going there, and the best 
 thing a stranger can do is to ask before he goes on 
 board." 
 
 I now positively insisted that he should turn the 
 vessel right about, and land me where he took me up. 
 
 " What, go back twenty miles, with a hundred peo- 
 ple, to rectify the blunder of one ! No, no, sir ; you 
 must go on to Bristol. I shall return in the morning, 
 and take you back, so you will only lose one day after 
 aU. But here comes the witch ; perhaps he will take 
 you back on a broomstick." So saying, he went away 
 without paying any attention to my remonstrances. 
 Presently the little Frenchman came up, and inquired 
 what was the matter. I stated my case, and asked 
 his advice, for at this moment I felt that to trust to 
 Satan himself was better than to rely on a republi- 
 can. 
 
 « What shall I do ? " said I. 
 
 " Appeal to posterity and the immortal gods ! " said 
 he, with an air of diabolical sublimity, at the same 
 time taking a mortal pinch of snufF that smelt like 
 brimstone. 
 
 " There are no gods in this impious country," an- 
 
330 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 awered I in despair ; " and, as for posterity, I am a 
 bachelor and never mean to be married — so I can 
 have no posterity!" 
 
 " There is a way, monsieur," quoth the little French- 
 man, with an insinuating and fiendish smile. 
 
 " What ! " cried I, with an ungovernable burst of 
 indignation — "would you tempt me, Satan! But 
 thy arts are vain. No, diabolical instigator. Know 
 I am a true-born Englishman, a defender of the faith, 
 and a bulwark of religion. No ! Be thou Asmodeus, 
 Ashtaroth, Belshazzar, or the Devil on two Sticks — 
 be all mankind extinct for want of posterity, and be 
 there no posterity to appeal to — let me be going 
 North or South, or East or West, to New Orleans or 
 New Guinea — aU this shall happen before Satan 
 shall tempt me to the sin of — " 
 
 « Of what ? " said the little d ^1 of a man. « Of 
 
 what shall never defile my tongue in the utterance," 
 said I, with the air of a hero. 
 
 " Well, if monsieur wiU neither appeal to posterity, 
 nor to the immortal gods, there is no more to be said. 
 And now I think of it, no more is necessary. See !, 
 we are just at Bristol, where they land passengers. 
 You can stop here to-night, and return to Philadelphia 
 to-morrow morning. I am sorry to lose your agreea- 
 ble company, but I am going on a little way farther 
 to the North." 
 
 This last information was of itself sufficient to de- 
 termine me to take his advice, though I could not 
 help suspecting in my own mind that he had some 
 devil-born design in his head. Accordingly, here I 
 landed, the little Frenchman taking leave of me in 
 the most friendly manner. " I am sorry to lose mon- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 331 
 
 sieur's agreeable company — but, as I am going North, 
 and monsieur South, who knows but we may meet 
 again." Heaven forbid, thought I, as they loosed 
 the rope, and the boat ploughed her way down the 
 stream. 
 
 I found out a lodging, where I ordered supper, and, 
 while it was getting ready, could not help reflecting 
 on the brutal inhospitality, the unfeeling rudeness and 
 ferocity generated in the polluted hot-bed of republi- 
 canism. The conduct of the Captain of the steam- 
 boat, in first receiving me on board — his refusal to 
 turn back only twenty or thirty miles to land me 
 again — and the stolid indifference with which the 
 passengers listened to my just complaints — all these 
 rushed together on my mind, and put me into such a 
 passion that I determined to be revenged on the whole 
 race of republicans by going to bed without my sup- 
 per. This I did, to the utter discomfiture of the land- 
 lord, the chamber-maid, the hostler, and particularly 
 the cook, who killed himself with a spit, in a fit of 
 despair, at my refusing to taste his terrapin soup. 
 
332 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 CHAPTER XV. 
 
 Good luck of the author in not being robbed — Story of the roaring repub- 
 lican, Eamsbottom — Steam-boat — Fat lady of colour — Force of bad 
 example — Spirit of democracy — Privilege of speech, alias impudent 
 loquacity — Author beleaguered by a wandering republican gentleman, 
 who tells his story — Author's reflections on it — Insolent republican cusr 
 torn of sbaliing bands — Goes to a magistrate — Another sketch of a re- 
 publican justice — Republican mode of settling lawsuits — Takes French 
 leave of his worship. 
 
 Luckily, though alone and unarmed, having lost 
 my pistols as before stated, I escaped being murdered 
 that night, which good fortune I attribute to the at- 
 tention of the people having been called off by an 
 affair which took place during the evening. I shall 
 relate it, for the purpose of illustrating the true spirit 
 of democracy. 
 
 It seems a fellow by the name of Ramsbottom, 
 a man-milliner by trade, and a great stickler for the 
 rights of man, had taken offence at a neighbour whose 
 name was Higginbottom, because his wife had at- 
 tempted to cheapen a crimped tucker at his shop, and 
 afterwards reported all over town that he, Ramsbot- 
 tom, sold his things much dearer than his rival man- 
 milliner over the way, whose name was Winterbot- 
 tom, and whose next door neighbour was one Oddy. 
 In the pure spirit of democracy, Ramsbottom deter- 
 mined to dirk, not only Higginbottom, Winterbottom, 
 and Oddy, together with their wives, but likewise aU 
 the little Higginbottoms, Winterbottoms, Oddys, and 
 little Oddities. It was several years before Rams- 
 bottom could get the whole party together, so as to 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 333 
 
 make one job of it. At last, after an interval of 
 about ten years, he collected them all at his house, to 
 keep their Christmas-eve, and determined then and 
 there to execute his diabolical purpose. It would ap- 
 pear, however, that he had previously changed his 
 mind as to the dirking, probably on account of the 
 trouble of killing so many, one after the other ; for, 
 just as they were all up to the eyes in a Christmas- 
 pie made of four-and-twenty blackbirds, an explosion 
 took place — the house blew up, and every soul, 
 Eamsbottom, Higginbottom, Winterbottom, Oddy, 
 and their wives, together with aU the young Rams- 
 bottoms, Higginbottoms, Winterbottoms, Oddys, and 
 Oddities, were scattered in such invisible atoms, that 
 not a vestige of them was ever afterwards discovered. 
 Such is the deadly sphit of revengeful ferocity gene- 
 rated in the polluted sink of democracy. The des- 
 perado, Ramsbottom, who was considered rather a 
 peaceable person among these barbarians, scrupled 
 not, like the old republican Samson, to pull down de- 
 struction on his own head, that he might be revenged 
 on a poor woman for cheapening a crimped tucker. 
 
 This affair set the people talking and tippling all 
 night, and to this circumstance I ascribe my good 
 fortune in escaping being robbed and murdered, the 
 usual fate of strangers whose ill-fortune detains them 
 at this place after dark. In the morning the steam- 
 boat stopped, as the little Frenchman told me she 
 would ; and, taking the precaution to inquire whether 
 she was going North or South, I went on board. 
 The Yankee Captain saluted me with a good-hu- 
 moured smile enough, and observed, " You are going 
 the right way now;" but I took no notice of his 
 
334 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 insolent familiarity. At breakfast I was seated oppo- 
 site a dish of terrapin soup, and next to a fat lady of 
 colour, who desired me to help her to some, which she 
 devoured with infinite satisfaction, although you could 
 distinguish the fingers and toes of the poor Httle ter- 
 rapins, as plain as day. I could not stand this exhib- 
 ition of cannibalism, but rushed on deck to relieve 
 my oppressed feelings. That these white republicans, 
 destitute as they are of all traces of human feeling, 
 should indulge in this detestable dish, was not to be 
 wondered at; but that the people of colour should 
 thus commit the unnatural crime of feeding upon 
 their own flesh and blood, was enough to deprive 
 them of all sympathy. But this only shows the force 
 of a bad example. Looking up as they do to the 
 whites, as their superiors in every respect, they natu- 
 rally imitate them even in their crimes, and eat terra- 
 pin soup because they see their betters do it. 
 
 During the passage up the river to Philadelphia, I 
 was, as usual, annoyed by the obtrusive impertinence 
 of the spirit of democracy. Having fought seven 
 years for the freedom of speech, these people seem 
 determined to enjoy the fuU benefit of their struggles. 
 Morning, noon, and night, in stage-coaches and steam- 
 boats, they will talk, whether there is any body will- 
 ing to listen or not ; and one reason why they never 
 go to church is that they would there be under the 
 necessity of remaining quiet for at least one whole 
 hour. Strangers in particular are sure to be specially 
 annoyed with their forward loquacity ; and it is suffi- 
 cient that a man appears to be a foreigner, and to 
 prefer solitude, to ensure his being intruded upon by 
 some one of these talking republicans. If you won't 
 
JOHN BULL IN AHEEICA. 835 
 
 tell them who you yourself are, what is your business, 
 where you came from, and whither you are going, it 
 is all one to them ; they will turn the tables upon you, 
 and tell you their own story. Nay, rather than not 
 talk, they would enter into a voluntary confession of 
 murder, and plead guilty to a breach of the whole 
 decalogue.* 
 
 One of the most inveterate of these talkers be- 
 leaguered me on this occasion. " I reckon you're a 
 stranger," said he, coming up to where I was, apart 
 from the rest, leaning over the railing as usual, pond- 
 ering on the barbarity and wickedness of these im- 
 maculate republicans. I made him no answer. " You 
 don't seem to be one of our people ? ", continued he, 
 inquiringly. No answer. " I guess you're an Eng- 
 lishman." This fellow, thought I, has some little 
 cleverness; he has observed the superiority of my 
 dress and air. " What makes you think so ? ", replied 
 I, in a tone of distant condescension. " Why, some- 
 how or other you English always seem to be out of 
 sorts, as if something were on your conscience like. 
 You go moping and moping about by yourselves, and 
 if any body speaks to yon, you look as if you would 
 eat them up. Now we Yankees think there is no 
 great harm in speaking to any man, in a civil way, 
 and that a civil question is worth a civil answer any 
 time." 
 
 I debated a moment whether I should turn my 
 back upon him, pull out my fifty-eighth number 
 of the Quarterly, (which I had procured in Philadel- 
 phia), and take no further notice of this fellow. But, 
 somehow or other, I did not like his looks. He was 
 
 * Vide Quartedy. 
 
336 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 a tall, muscular figure, straight as an arrow, with a 
 keen, large eye, and an air of insolent independence, 
 that seemed to challenge equality with any man, in 
 spite of the plain simphcity of his garments. Besides, 
 he had much the look of an expert gouger, and I 
 thought it better to listen to his impertinence than 
 lose my eyes. 
 
 "And so," said I at last, " you don't like us Eng- 
 lishmen ? " 
 
 " Why, I can't say that exactly ; but if you would 
 not take such pains to make yourselves disagreeable, 
 we should like you a great deal better. "We have had 
 some pretty hard brushes with you to be sure, but we 
 Yankees are a people that soon forget injuries, so long 
 as you don't insult us. Now, for my part, I'd rather 
 a man would cut off my head at once than spit in my 
 face. We don't lilie to be insulted." 
 
 " But who insults you ? " 
 
 " Why, I don't know — but somehow or other it 
 strikes me that, when a man comes into a strange 
 country, the people have a right to talk to him civilly, 
 and it is rather bad manners in him not to answer. 
 It looks as if he thought himself better than other 
 people. Now we Yankees fought seven years to make 
 ourselves equal to any people on earth, and what's more 
 we are determined to be so, let what wiU happen." 
 
 " I'm sure nobody prevents you." 
 
 " Prevents us ! No, I reckon that would'be rather 
 a difficult matter. But we Yankees can tell an Eng- 
 lishman half a mile off, by his being so shy. He 
 seems as if he was too good to be spoken to. Now 
 we think a man was made to be spoken to, or else 
 there is no use in being able to speak at all," 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 33T 
 
 " Nobody hinders you from talking." 
 
 " True. But there is such a thing as not being 
 answered, and this, as I said, is what we don't like. If 
 we ask you questions about yourselves or your coun- 
 try, it is a proof we feel some curiosity about you — 
 and if we tell you about ourselves and our affairs, it is 
 that we don't suspect you of being rogues who would 
 take advantage of us, by knowing our business." 
 
 " But can't a man, especially in this free country, 
 take his choice whether he shall talk or be silent ? " 
 
 " To be sure he can. But then, when he takes his 
 choice whether to answer a civil question or not, he 
 must also take his choice sometimes whether he wiU 
 be knocked down or not. To refuse to answer a 
 question — I mean a question put in a civil way, and 
 without meaning to give offence, is to insult the man 
 that asks it. Now what can be done with a man who 
 wiU neither answer a civil question, nor resent an un- 
 civil one by word of mouth ? There is but one way, 
 and that is to knock him down. If that don't make 
 him speak, I don't know what will." 
 
 An excellent method. Here's your true republican 
 ethics, thought I — but there was no use in quarrel- 
 ling with the fellow, so I thought it best to humouri 
 him. 
 
 " And so you don't like us Englishmen because we: 
 don't talk?" 
 
 " That is one reason. We think a man that can!t 
 open his mouth in a strange country, except to find 
 fault with every thing, had better stay at home, and 
 keep himself in a good humour." 
 
 " Very weU. Is that your only reason ? " 
 
 " Not altogether. You go home and tell lies about 
 22 
 
338 JOHN 6tLL IN AMERICA. 
 
 US, after staying at our houses, and being treated to 
 the best that we have. There was, last spring a year 
 ago, a fellow that fell sick at my house of an ague and 
 fever, and staid -ttrith me two months without paying 
 a cent, for I scorn to take board of any man. Would 
 you believe it ! He wrote a book when he went back 
 to England, wherein he said my home was as dirty 
 as a pig-pen — my wife a slut — my children savages 
 — myself a pig-stealer — and my country a den of 
 drunkards, gougers, thieves, and men-kiUers. Ay, and 
 the worst of it was, that he made as if I had told 
 him so myself, and so belied my countrymen. I am 
 neither gouger, dirker, thief, nor man-killer, but" — 
 and here his eye lightened with terrible ferocity — " if 
 I ever meet that man again in this country, there'U be 
 daylight shining through somebody." 
 
 " And so then, you dislike us Englishmen because 
 we won't talk to you, nor praise you ? " 
 
 " We don't want you to praise us — only speak of 
 us as we are — tell the truth, the whole truth, and 
 nothing but the truth. It's a dirty business to come 
 here, and eat and drink at our tables, and sleep under 
 our roofs, (perhaps, sometimes, in the same room with 
 our wives and children), and then go home and pub- 
 lish to the world that we have neither manners nor 
 decency, because we did not send you to Ue in the 
 woods rather than receive you as it were into the very 
 bosoms of ova families. For my part I should be 
 ashamed to look my dear country in the face, did I 
 turn a stranger from my door because I had no where 
 to put him but in the same room with myself, my 
 wife, and my children." 
 
 " WeU, but," said I in a soothing tone, " you should 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 339 
 
 not mind what these people say. They are a set of 
 low, contemptible fellows, who want to get a little 
 money, and have no other way of doing it but by tell- 
 ing a parcel of lies to please the vulgar." 
 
 " I know it. But still it's no way to abuse us, and 
 then find fault with us for not liking you. Every 
 man in the United States is a part of his country as 
 much as a sailor is of a ship, and if you want his 
 friendship you must not run her down." 
 
 " But to return to the subject of answering ques^ 
 tions. You Yankees are thought to be rather too 
 much given to the practice of asking them." 
 
 " Well," replied he, smiling, and showing a set of 
 teeth white as snow, " I believe there may be some- 
 thing in that. But the truth is, we take an interest 
 in every thing going on in the world, and we Hke 
 to hear the news. Then we frequently, in the course 
 of our lives, change our professions three or four 
 times, and like to coUect all we can from strangers 
 as weU as others, in the way of information. What 
 is of no use to the farmer or tradesman, may come in 
 play when one gets to be a member of Congress or a 
 judge, and for this reason a man wishes to learn as 
 much as possible from every-body he meets. Most 
 people like to show their knowledge, so there is no 
 offence in asking questions to bring it out." 
 
 I began to be tired of this tall fellow's prating, 
 and to get rid of the trouble of answering his ques- 
 tions, rather than from any curiosity, asked him con- 
 cerning a few particulars, which led to the following 
 relation. There is no way of gaining a genuine 
 Yankee's heart so effectually as to ask him for the 
 history of his life and adventures. They are aU Rob- 
 
340 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 inson Crusoes in their own opinion, and never lose an 
 opportunity of playing the hero of a story, even if 
 they have to invent it themselves.* 
 
 " I was born in New Hampshire ; raised in the 
 western part of the state of New York ; married in 
 Ohio ; and am now settled, for the present, in the state 
 of Missouri." Jupiter !, thought I ; the man has trav- 
 elled over half the globe in three lines. " I have been 
 a man of various enterprise, and miscellaneous occu- 
 pation. At seventeen years I commenced land-sur- 
 veyor in the Genesee country, which was then 
 something of a wilderness, and hardly afforded me 
 employment, so that I had sufficient leisure to visit 
 my native town and get married. I forgot that 
 neither my wife nor myself were worth ten dollars. 
 However, we don't forget such things long, that's one 
 comfort. We returned to Genesee with one dollar in 
 my pocket, and none in that of my wife. For some 
 time I did. not make much money; but then we had 
 plenty of children, which, in a new country, are better 
 than money. However, I managed to save a little every 
 year, with the intention of buying a few hundred 
 acres of land. But the land rose in price faster than I 
 made money. So that by the time I had got together 
 five hundred dollars, land was a dollar and a half an 
 acre. This won't do for me, thought I; but just 
 then the people began to talk of Ohio, where land 
 was selling at that time for two and sixpence an 
 acre. ' Betsey,' said I, ' shall we go to Ohio ? ' 'To 
 the end of the world, John,' replied she; and away 
 we scampered the next day. Here I bought a good 
 stout farm, cut down some trees for a place for my 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 341 
 
 house, girdled others for a place for my wheat, and 
 built a log-house twehty feet long at least. People 
 soon flocked round, and in a little time there was some 
 occasion for law : so they made me a justice of the 
 peace. Not long after, it was thought but proper to 
 introduce a little religion : so I took to reading a ser- 
 mon, every Sunday, at the request of my neighbours. 
 By and by, it was thought prudent to embody a com- 
 pany of militia for protection against the Indians : so 
 they made me a captain of militia. In a year or two, 
 there was a town laid out and a court-house built. 
 This introduced two new wants — that of a judge 
 and a town-treasurer : so they made me a judge, and a 
 town-treasurer. Then followed, as a matter of course, 
 the urgent need of a newspaper : so a newspaper was 
 set up, and I volunteered as editor. 
 
 " These honours were very gratifying, to be sure, 
 but all this time my family was increasing both in 
 size and number. I had six girls and five boys, some 
 of them six feet high. I began to be uneasy about 
 providing for all these. I had only sixteen hundred 
 acres of land, and that was not enough for them aU. 
 The thought struck me that I could sell it for enough 
 to buy six or eight thousand in Missouri Territory. 
 ' Betsey,' said I, ' will you go to Missouri ? ' ' To the end 
 of the world, John,' said the brave girl. So, the next 
 day but one, we hied away to Missouri, where I bought 
 a few thousand acres. We were almost alone at first ; 
 but in a year or two people came faster and faster, so 
 that from a Territory we became a State, and wanted 
 members of Congress. So they made me a member 
 of Congress. But the country is getting too thickly 
 settled for me — and I think next year of moving up 
 
342 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 the river five or six hundred miles, to get out of the 
 crowd. I am now on my way to "Washington, where 
 I mean to make speeches like a brave fellow. But 
 see, we are just arrived, and I must look to my bag- 
 gage." He then shook me by the hand, and gave me a 
 hearty invitation to come and see him next summer, 
 when I should probably find him somewhere about 
 the mouth of the Yellowstone. I thanked him, as 
 in duty bound, and so we parted. 
 
 This wandering Gentile may stand for the whole 
 progeny of democracy. Such is their utter indiffer- 
 ence to home and all its delightful associations, that, 
 rather than stay there and get upon the parish, they 
 will leave their kindred, friends, and household gods, 
 to herd with Lidians and buffaloes in the pathless 
 wilderness. If they cannot live in one place, they try 
 another ; if they cannot thrive by one trade, they turn 
 to another ; and so ring the changes until they suc- 
 ceed at last. Hence, as a natural consequence, they 
 turn drunkards, swearers, dirkers, spitters, bundlers, 
 gougers, and blasphemers, caring neither for God nor 
 man, and finally sink into the polluted pool of dia- 
 bolical democracy, a prey to bitter remorse and con- 
 suming recollections.* 
 
 I am reminded, by the familiarity of this back- 
 woodsman, of the filthy republican practice of shak- 
 ing hands, which prevails in this country. Such is 
 their insolent familiarity, originating doubtless in the 
 turbulent spirit of democracy, that the most ragged 
 genius that labours in the streets or fields wiU thrust 
 forth his brawny paw to shake hands with the Presi- 
 dent himself, who would be considered unworthy of 
 
 * Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 343 
 
 his station if he declined this insolent familiarity, If 
 two strangers happen to travel together two or three 
 days in a stage, they cannot part without shaking 
 hands ; and this insufferable assurance extends so far, 
 that I have been actually more than once insulted by 
 being offered the hand of a landlord at whose house I 
 happened to sojourn for a few days. On being intro- 
 duced to a person, no matter how inferior, he would 
 feel himself terribly affironted, and ten to one gouge 
 you, if you declined his offered hand. Such is the 
 vulgar hail-fellow-well'met familiarity engendered by 
 the possession of equal rights and the absence of a 
 king and nobility to teach the people their proper dis- 
 tance.* 
 
 When I came to pay my fare, the captain, with a 
 gmile of unpardonable insolence, declined to receive 
 it, observing, that as I had gone up the river witji hirn 
 by mistake, he could not in conscience charge any 
 thing for bringing me back again. I had no doubt 
 that he did this merely to escape the consequences of 
 having put me to the expense and inconvenience of 
 twice travelling thirty or forty mUes, But I was re- 
 solved not to let him off so easily ; and accordingly, 
 the moment I landed, inquired the way to a magis- 
 trate. I found this worthy seated in his office, which, 
 judging from appearances, must have been at no dis- 
 tant date, a stable or a pig-sty. His worship, before 1 
 could open my business, desired me to wait a little, 
 
 " and be d d to you," till he was at leisure. It 
 
 seems he was receiving the report of Master Con- 
 stable, who had been out on a scouting party. The 
 following dialogue passed between them : — 
 * Vide Quarterly Eeview. 
 
344 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " "Well, Simon, where are your prisoners ? " 
 
 " I caught them." It would have been too much 
 for the spirit of equality to have added, " your wor- 
 ship." 
 
 " Well, what did you do with them ? " 
 
 " I gave the defendant fifteen lashes." 
 
 " And what did you do with the plaintiff? " 
 
 " I gave him fifteen lashes too." 
 
 " And what did you do with the person who laid 
 the information ? " 
 
 " Why, I gave him twenty-five lashes for giving us 
 so much trouble." 
 
 " You did right," said his worship ; " these rascals 
 ought to be discouraged." 
 
 I began to commune with myself, that if this was 
 the republican mode of administering justice, the less 
 I had of it the better. After hesitating a moment, 
 whether it was worth while to receive twenty-five 
 lashes for the pleasure of seeing the captain get 
 fifteen, and finding the balance rather against me, I 
 made his worship a low bow, and departed without 
 further ceremony. In going out I heard his worship 
 say to Simon — " Curse that fellow ; if I was not 
 just now engaged on a pig-stealing party with the 
 mayor and aldermen, I'd lay him by the heels." * 
 
 • Vide Quarterly. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 845 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 Author's malediction on Philadelphia — Quarterly — Is again beleaguered by 
 a modest republican — Their conversation — Various accidents and lucky 
 escapes at Natchitoches, Vincennes, Utica, Vandalia, Tombigbee — Big 
 and Little Sandy, Big and Little Muddy, and Big-Dry, Rivers — Arrival 
 at Baltimore — Insolence of the Baltimoreans — Buys ahorse and sulky, 
 to escape the intrusion of the spirit of democracy — Terrible picture of 
 slavery — Pine woods — Stops at a lone house, which turns out to be the 
 rendezvous of banditti — Providential escape — Leaves his watch behind 
 — Despatches Pompey — Pompey's account of his mission to Old Hobby 
 — Arrival at Washington. 
 
 Leaving my malediction upon the city, the people, 
 the magistracy, and every living thing else within it, I 
 departed from Philadelphia, as usual out of humour 
 with the world, and disgusted with the whole clan of 
 immaculate republicans. As we were rapidly passing 
 up the river towards the South, I retired as far from 
 every-body as I could, and sat down to look over the 
 fifty-eighth number of the Quarterly, in order to re- 
 fresh my memory with some of the most striking 
 beauties of the turbulent spirit of democracy. But, 
 go where you will, it is impossible to keep clear of 
 the intrusion of these free and easy republicans. 
 While thus occupied, one of the most decently dressed 
 and respectable republicans I had hitherto seen, came 
 walking back and forth, passing and repassing before 
 me. I laid down my book and went into the cabin 
 for a moment, to get my handkerchief which I had 
 left there, and which I found exactly in the same 
 place. This I mention as one of the wonders of this 
 new world. 
 
 Returning to my post, I found this modest gentle- 
 
346 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA-. 
 
 man had taken up my book and was turning over the 
 leaves ; but he condescended to return it to me, with 
 an apology for the liberty he had taken. 
 
 " I felt some anxiety to see it," said he, " as I per- 
 ceive it contains the article on Mr. Faux's Travels, 
 which was omitted in the republication here." 
 
 " Indeed ! " replied I, with cool indifference ; " pray 
 what was the cause of the omission ? " 
 
 " I understand it contained certain libellous pas- 
 sages concerning a respectable gentleman in this 
 country, and his connexions. For my part, I think it 
 ought to have been preserved. A criticism degenerat- 
 ing into a string of libels is a curiosity peculiar to the 
 present refined age of literature." 
 
 " The greater the truth, the greater the libel," said 
 I. " Your countrymen I hope are not afraid or 
 ashamed of the truth." 
 
 " No, not when we can get it pure and unmixed. 
 But sketches, at best degenerating into caricature, and, 
 for the most part, drawn from the very worst speci- 
 mens of manners, and by persons animated by the 
 worst feelings of hostility, who have not even the dis- 
 cretion to hide their malignity, are not subjects of 
 very pleasing contemplation, certainly." 
 
 I took up the book, and, opening it at the review of 
 Faux, began questioning the man as follows, making 
 it my text. 
 
 " Can you deny, sir, that it is the very nature of a 
 democracy to make men turbulent, iU-mannered, fero- 
 cious, drunken, beastly, and rude tp the la^t de- 
 gree?"* 
 
 " I have in some measure brought this discussion 
 » yids No. 68, Eng, ed. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 847 
 
 on my head," replied he with a smile, " and will an- 
 swer you as I should not under other circumstances. 
 — Cast your eyes around the deck ; there are probably 
 seventy, perhaps a hundred, persons, in sight. They 
 come in all likelihood from almost every section of 
 the United States, and are of different grades, sta- 
 tions, occupations, and education. Do you see any 
 one drunk?" 
 
 I looked around, and, though the deck was covered 
 ■with men, women, and children, wallowing like swine 
 in the filth of debauchery, replied, "why — no — I 
 can't say I do exactly ; " being resolved to hear what 
 the gentleman had to say for himself. 
 
 " Do you observe any appearance of turbulence, 
 rudeness, ferocity, or indecency?" 
 
 Just then a couple of deacons set to, and gouged 
 out each other's eyes ; but I was resolved to see noth- 
 ing, and replied — 
 
 " None in the least." 
 
 " Do you suppose, sir, that if this drunkenness, 
 rudeness, turbulence, ferocity, this dirking, gouging, 
 swearing, and impiety, were so imiversal a character- 
 istic as the Quarterly is pleased to affirm, there would 
 not be some examples exhibited here among so many 
 persons, of such various occupations and characters 
 coming from all parts of the United States ? " 
 
 " Of course, of coiirse," said I, wth a glance direct- 
 ing his attention to a feUow who had jwst dirked his 
 second cousin and thrown him overboard. But my 
 gentleman kept his countenance in a manner worthy 
 a true disciple of brazen idemocracy. 
 
 " I win not pretend to deny," continued this imtoler- 
 ablfi proser, " that our people bmn& something of the 
 
348 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 wild flavour about them, or that they partake in some 
 degree of the imperfections incident to their history 
 and situation. Let your travellers teU us of these 
 in the spirit of friendly admonition, and note our 
 good qualities as liberally as they reprobate our faults. 
 Accustomed as Europeans are to a world a little on 
 the wane, they are too apt to mistake the manly frank- 
 ness of freemen for a forward impudence, and to 
 confound the virtues of independence of spirit with 
 the opposite vices of a freedom from all salutary re- 
 straints. Exemption from that sense of inferiority 
 which makes the subjects of a monarch pay such 
 abject deference to rank and wealth is too often mis- 
 taken for rudeness ; and thus the very feeling of per- 
 sonal independence, which is essential to the preserva- 
 tion of freedom, is laid to our charge as a proof of 
 barbarism and ferocity. But," continued he, smUing, 
 " if perchance you are a traveller of the literary class, 
 I may some time hence figure in your book as an ex- 
 ample of that inveterate love of talking which has 
 been ascribed to our people. I shall therefore con- 
 clude by observing that the difference is, that our 
 world is not quite ripe, and yours is somewhat de- 
 cayed. We think our world is the better for blooming 
 in all the freshness of youth ; while you appear to be 
 of opinion that your world, like a cheese, is the better 
 for being a little rotten." He then slightly bowed and 
 left me, before I had time to make a cutting reply. 
 But I was determined to pay him off" at a proper 
 time. 
 
 After passing through the towns of Natchitoches, 
 Vincennes, Utica, Vandalia, and Tombigbeej and 
 crossing the Big-Sandy and Little-Sandy, not forget- 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEBICA. 349 
 
 ting the Big- Muddy and Little- Muddy, rivers — (did 
 ever Christian man hear such names !) — we arrived at 
 the great city of Baltimore. I should not omit to 
 mention that I was robbed at Natchitoches, gouged at 
 Utica, roasted at a log-fire in Vandalia, and dirked 
 at Tombigbee. Besides these accidents, I was all but 
 drowned in Big-Dry River, but luckily escaped by its 
 having no water in it. This was a pretty tolerable 
 chapter of accidents for one day, and may serve as an 
 antidote to the delusions of transatlantic speculation, 
 the seductions of Mr. Birkbeck, and the democratic 
 slang of Miss "Wright, Capt. Hall, and the rest of the 
 radical fry of democracy, as the Quarterly says.* 
 
 It was my intention to spend two or three days 
 at Baltimore, but, happening to take a walk on the 
 morning of my arrival, I encountered a monument 
 purporting to have been erected to the memory of 
 certain persons who fell in an action with the British 
 in the late war, in which the latter were defeated, and 
 their commander. Gen. Ross, was killed. There was 
 no standing this insolent exhibition of republican 
 vanity, and I determined to stay no longer in a place 
 where such studied attempts are made to mortify the 
 feelings of Englishmen, and perpetuate hostility be- 
 tween the two nations. There is also another monu- 
 ment going up here to the memory of the rebel 
 Washington, an additional proof of the justice with 
 which this place has been denounced as the very sink 
 of democracy. Accordingly I bought a horse and 
 sulky, being resolved for the future to travel by my- 
 self, in order to get rid of the impertinent intrusions 
 of these free and easy republicans and enjoy my own 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. ed. 
 
350 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 company unmolested. For this purpose I crossed 
 over to the Eastern shore of Maryland, and travelled 
 on a by-road to the city of Washington. 
 
 I thought the negroes were ill-enough-off in New- 
 England, but it was nothing to what I saw here. The 
 road was lined on each side with naked negroes beg- 
 ging for charity, this being their only refuge from 
 absolute starvation, as their masters allow them noth- 
 ing. Instead of scarecrows to frighten the birds from 
 the corn, you generally see negroes hung up in the 
 fields for that purpose. I cut one poor fellow down 
 just in time to save his life, and on inquiring the 
 cause of his being thus inhumanly punished, he told 
 me his only offence was eating a piece of mouldy 
 bread which he found one day in the cupboard ! Yet 
 such is the force of habit, that this miserable wretch, 
 instead of thanking me for saving his life, skipped 
 over a six-rail fence, joined a party of blacks at work 
 in the field, and struck in with might and main in 
 the songs they were singing ! I thought of the fable 
 of the swan singing in the agonies of death, and 
 drove on. 
 
 Towards evening, the road led through a country 
 of thick melancholy pines, which deepened the ap- 
 proaching gloom ; and the houses became farther and 
 farther separated. I had now proceeded several miles 
 without seeing a habitation, or meeting a single hu- 
 man being. The night was fast approaching, and I 
 began to anticipate a lodging in the woods, when, to 
 my great joy, I saw a light gleaming, or flickering, at 
 fitful intervals, through the branches of the trees. As 
 I approached, I could distinguish by the help of the 
 moon, which now rose in cloudless majesty, a desolate, 
 
JOHN BtTLL IN AMEBICA. S51 
 
 dilapidated mansion, the Avindows of which were for 
 the most part broken, and the walls half in ruins. 
 Two or three dogs saluted me as I rode up, with a 
 republican growl. They were silenced by a shrill 
 voice, crying, " Be quiet Nap — get out Caesar, you 
 villain." The dogs obeyed the command, and sneaked 
 away. 
 
 " Who's there ? ", continued the voice. 
 
 " A traveller," replied I, " who is benighted, and in 
 want of food as well as rest. Can you accommodate 
 me for the night ? " 
 
 Here was a pause of a minute, during which the 
 female went into the house to consult the master, as I 
 supposed, for at the expiration of that time a man 
 came forth, and in a hoarse voice said to me, 
 
 " We can give you a bed and supper, such as they 
 are. Alight sir, and my boys will see to your horse." 
 
 I accordingly entered the house through a door 
 which opened directly into a large room, at one end 
 of which there was a brisk fire which served instead 
 of candles. " Sit down," said the old man, handing 
 me a straw-bottomed chair, "and we will see what 
 we can get you for supper." Then, raising his voice, 
 he cried — " Clementina ! " 
 
 " I'm coming, daddy," answered somebody, and 
 forthAvith in came Clementina, a damsel of at least 
 six feet in her stockings. She looked like a sibyl, with 
 eyes black as a coal and wild as those of an antelope, 
 and long lank hair, glossy and straight, hanging about 
 her neck and shoulders. I confess I felt rather odd 
 at seeing her, but my feelings were nothing to those 
 which rushed over me on entrance of the two ioys, 
 as the old man called them. They were at least 
 
352 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 seven feet high, raw-boned, and savage in their aspect ; 
 ■with nothing on them but a linen shirt and trowsers. 
 Though I came in a fashionable gig, and was dressed 
 in the most fashionable travelling-costume, they seemed 
 not to feel the least embarrassment in my presence, 
 but took chairs and sat down at my side with the 
 genuine air of republican insolence. I tried all I 
 could to look dignified, but in spite of myself could 
 not repress certain apprehensions, which gradually 
 came over me, and undermined my sense of superi- 
 ority. The old man and his wife, who, by the way, 
 though apparently advanced in years, were as tall 
 and as straight as the children, asked me a great many 
 questions in the way of guessing and reckoning, 
 while Clementina bestirred herself in preparing and 
 bringing in the supper. 
 
 When it was ready they all sat down without cere- 
 mony, and with as little ado invited me to follow their 
 example. Here was a practical illustration of the 
 blessings of equality; but I was determined to put 
 up with their insolence for one night. The supper- 
 consisted of loads of meat, ham, venison, and game 
 of various kinds, in quantities sufficient to feast an 
 army. I began to sum up the probable amount of 
 my bill, as I concluded I should have to pay for the 
 feasting of the whole family, and for what was left 
 besides. " Help yourself," said the old man, " and 
 don't be a stranger — I'm sorry we have nothing 
 better — but you're heartily welcome." Most people 
 are welcome, thought I, for their money ; but I said 
 nothing. 
 
 " We cannot afford tea and coffee," continued the 
 old man, " but here is some old whiskey that I hope 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 353 
 
 you will like. Come, help yourself, and here's to Old 
 Hickory." 
 
 My stomach turned at the very smell of this execra- 
 ble beverage ; but, recollecting the republican custom 
 of roasting their particular friends by a log-fire for 
 refusing to drink, I thought fit to help myself and 
 make as if I drank. In this way supper passed oif 
 smoothly enough, and the old man then directed 
 Clementina to make arrangements for the night. 
 " You boys will be obliged to give up your room to 
 the stranger, and Clementina will make you up a 
 shake-down in the corner here." While this was doings, 
 I amused, or rather perplexed, myself in looking about 
 the room, and wondering where these people could 
 procure such luxuries as venison and wild game. 
 But, as the light flashed in a remote and obscure cor- 
 ner on one side of the fireplace, I was struck with 
 horror at seeing three rifles hanging one below the 
 other upon hooks fixed in the wall. The whole truth 
 flashed upon me at once. I am in a deu of banditti, 
 thought I, and my moments are numbered. They 
 will murder me to-night, and none will know my 
 wretched fate. The old man will lay out all my money 
 to-morrow in whiskey — the boys wiU go a courting 
 in my new gig, dressed in my dandy coats, and Clem- 
 entina will figure in my patent corsets. I burst into, 
 tears at the awful anticipation. 
 
 " What ails you ? ", said the old man. 
 
 " Maybe he has got the stomach-ache," quoth the 
 old hag, who now began to look just like one of thfr 
 Great Unknown's remarkable old women. 
 
 " Take a little more whiskey," said Clementina,, 
 with a look of diabolical tenderness. 
 
 23 
 
354 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 At first I was going to reject it with infinite con- 
 ;tempt ; but, on second thoughts, and considering what 
 I had to go through that night, I determined to fortify 
 myself with Dutch courage after the manner of the 
 Yankees ; and, if I must die, die like immortal Caesar, 
 with decorum. 
 
 " Your bed is got ready," said Clementina ; but I 
 determined to sit up and defer my fate as long as pos- 
 sible. They now began to yawn, and one after the 
 other retired, wishing me good night, until decency 
 obliged me to follow their example. My room opened 
 directly from that in which we were sitting, and where 
 the two boys were to sleep, no doubt, as I felt assured, 
 to be handy for murdering me. I retired to my room, 
 the door of which I attempted to fasten ; but there was 
 nothing but a latch. I looked at the sheets, but they 
 were white as snow, Clementina having, as I con- 
 cluded, taken the precaution to pick out a pair not 
 stained with blood, so as not to alarm me. I looked 
 under the bed, and discovered something that greatly 
 resembled a trap-door, with leathern hinges. 
 
 This discovery overset me entirely. I paced my 
 room to and fro, and listened in breathless anxiety to 
 every sound. If a mouse stirred, my heart leaped into 
 my throat. I heard the owl and the whippoorwUl, 
 those ill-omened birds, screeching and flapping their 
 wings at my window, and mingling their warnings 
 with the distant bowlings of half-famished wolves. I 
 was determined not to lie down, for fear of going to 
 sleep ; and at length, to while away the time, took up 
 the fifty-eighth number of the Quarterly. But this 
 only added to my boding apprehensions. As I read 
 of the gougings, bundlings, dirkings, and guessings ; 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 355 
 
 of roasting alive on red-hot log-fires — of ten dollars 
 being the price of a man's life in this country — and • 
 of aU the diabolical horrors of turbulent democracy — 
 my spirit failed me, and I sunk insensible on the 
 floor. 
 
 How long I remained in this unconscious state I 
 cannot say; but I was roused at length by a noise of 
 mingled bowlings, barkings, cacklings, and crowings, 
 that entered my very souL Presently after I heard a 
 stirring in the next room, and a light shone through 
 my keyhole. It is aU over with me now, thought I — 
 my time is come. " Now I lay me down to sleep," 
 said I to myself, and waited in silent resignation. 
 At length I ventured to look through the key-hole, and 
 saw a sight that froze me into horror. The two 
 young bandits had taken down their rifles, and while 
 loading them the following dialogue passed in whis- 
 pers : — 
 
 " D n him but I'll do his business ; I'U give him 
 
 his bitters." 
 
 " Hush! " replied the other; " you'U wake the gentle- 
 man." 
 
 Again there was a confused noise of howling, bark- 
 ing, and cackling, without. " Now is our time," said 
 one ; and both of them made, not for my door, but 
 out of that which led into the yard. I breathed again 
 for a moment, until I heard two guns fired at a little 
 distance. They are murdering some poor unfortunate 
 travellers, thought I, and my time will come next. In 
 about half an hour they returned, and threw some- 
 thing, that fell like a dead heavy weight, on the floor. 
 
 " By G— d we've done for him at last," said one ; 
 " the rascal fought like a tiger. Let's strip the gentle- 
 man of his hide." 
 
356 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 " No, no," replied the other, "wait till — " here his 
 voice sunk, and I could only guess at what was 
 meant. I grew desperate, and tried to push up the 
 window, but it was fastened down with naUs, to make 
 all sure, and prevent my escaping that way. I tried 
 the trap-door, but it turned out to be no trap-door at 
 all. I listened again, but by this time all was silent 
 in the next room. A moment after I heard the voice 
 of the old man calling his " boys," and perceived, to 
 my astonishment, that the sun was just peeping above 
 the eastern horizon. Daylight, which emboldens the 
 innocent, appals the guilty, and I now felt myself 
 safe. I came out of my room, with an air as uncon- 
 cerned as possible, and was received as if nothing had 
 happened. 
 
 " Good morning, good morning," said the impudent 
 old republican ; " I am afraid you was disturbed last 
 night. The boys were out after a bear that has beat 
 up our quarters several times. But he'll never come 
 again, I reckon. Isn't he a whopper ? ", continued he, 
 pointing to the carcass in a corner. A happy turn, 
 thought I, but I'm not to be humbugged by a cock- 
 and-bull story. They pressed me to stay to breakfast, 
 but I was resolved not to trust myself a moment 
 longer with these banditti, and requested them to get 
 my gig ready as soon as possible. In the mean time 
 I asked the old man for his bill. 
 
 " We don't keep a tavern," said he. 
 
 " I know that," replied I significantly ; " but you 
 will tEike something for your trouble?" 
 
 " Not a cent — every stranger that comes here is 
 welcome to what I can offer. I have little money, but 
 a plenty of every thing else ; and it is not often we 
 
JOHN BUIi IN AMERICA, 357 
 
 have the pleasure of a stranger's company in this out- 
 of-the-way place. You are heartily welcome to your 
 bed and supper, and will be still more so if you will 
 «tay to breakfast." 
 
 His refusal to take pay was another proof, if any 
 had been wanting, of the profession followed by this 
 awful family. Banditti are always above taking 
 money that is honestly their due, and require the zest 
 of a little murder and bloodshed to make it worth 
 having. I bade them good-morrow with very little 
 ceremony, and set off in a brisk trot ; but before I had 
 got a quarter of a mile I heard some one hallooing, 
 and, looking back, perceived one of the young giants 
 coming after me in a psur of seven-league boots, as it 
 appeared by his speed. I concluded they had re- 
 pented having spared my life, and had sent this fine boy 
 to despatch me after all. Under this impression I put 
 my horse on his mettie, and soon distanced the fellow, 
 notwithstanding his seven-league boots. I rode ten 
 miles without stopping, being determined to get out 
 of the very atmosphere of this nest of banditti, if pos- 
 sible. 
 
 By this time I was hungry, and conceiving myself 
 pretty safe from any immediate pursuit, stopped at an 
 inn of tolerable appearance. The landlord, according 
 to the custom of the country, took the first opportunity 
 to ask a few dozen questions, ending with, " Pray 
 what o'clock is it ? " I told him I didn't know, for I 
 was resolved not to satisfy his impertinent curiosity. 
 " O, ay," said he, " I see you haven't any watch." On 
 examination I found this was but too true, and it at 
 once occurred to my recollection that I had left it at the 
 den of the banditti in the forest. I asked mine host if 
 
358 JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 
 
 he knew these people, describing them and their estab- 
 lishment. 
 
 " "What, old Hobby, that lives in the Pines, about 
 ten miles off? Know him ? Lord bless your heart, 
 every-body knows him." 
 
 I then condescended to tell him of my misfortune, 
 and desired to know how I could get my watch again. 
 He answered, very shrewdly, that I had only to go 
 back for it. But I would not have trusted myself 
 there again for twenty watches. I told him I did not 
 like the trouble of going back so far, but would pay 
 any person reasonably that would ride over and get it 
 for me. A bargain was struck with Pompey, the 
 black boy, in which it was covenanted that the said 
 Pompey, on returning with my watch in the space of 
 three hours, should receive from me a silver dollar for 
 his pains. Pompey accordingly mounted a raw-boned 
 courser — fastened a rusty spur to his bare heel — 
 departed at full gaUop — and returned with my watch 
 in less than two hours and a half. 
 
 " Did they refuse the watch, Pompey ? " said I. 
 
 " No I " replied Pompey with a grin. 
 
 " What did they say ? " 
 
 " They said," replied Pompey, wonderfully enlarg- 
 ing his grin, " that Massa was the droUest man they 
 ever see in aU their born days." 
 
 I felt no curiosity to inquire their reasons for this 
 complimentary opinion, but paid Pompey his dollar, 
 and said no more on the subject. After breakfast I 
 set out for Washington, where I arrived in safety, 
 thanks to my good stars. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 359 
 
 CHAPTIER XVn. 
 
 Washington — Dr. Thornton — Story of the roaring reprobate republican, 
 Eamsbottom — Stoiy of an English emigrant fanner — His project — 
 Disappointment. *»»*»*«*«»»»»»»» 
 
 "Every thing is morally and physically mean at 
 Washington," as the Quarterly says.* The breezes 
 are perfumed by nuisances of all sorts — the flies die 
 and mortify in the oily butter, and are eaten by the 
 people as a great luxury f — drinking, dirking, and 
 gouging, are the ordinary amusements — profanity 
 and cheating the order of the day — the fire-flies and 
 frogs furnish the lights and the music — the men are 
 boisterous and rude — the children intolerable — the 
 women all as ugly as sin — and, to sum up all in one 
 word, I was assured by Dr. Thornton who saved the 
 capitol from being burnt last war, that "the whole 
 country, like ancient Rome, is peopled by thieves and 
 robbers." | The doctor told me in confidence that 
 although, like many other deluded Englishmen, he 
 had been induced to leave his country, yet he was de- 
 termined not one of his posterity should take root 
 after him in this detestable district.§ The doctor pre- 
 
 * Vide No. 58, Eng. ed. t Ibid. t Ibid. 
 
 § There is reason to suspect that the person here quoted was not the Dr. 
 Thornton he professed himself to be, but an impostor; or at any rate that 
 the doctor was bantering our traveller on these occasions. It is quite impos- 
 sible he should have been serious. There is the same unwarrantable freedom 
 taken with the name of this gentleman in Faux's Travels, as will be seen in 
 the BSth number of the Quarterly, (English ed.), to which our author so fre- 
 quently refers. By the way, people should be careful how they attempt to 
 hoax English travellers with these stories, for they will certainly record them 
 as actual facts. — Editor. 
 
360 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 sides over a department where models of machinery 
 are deposited, and it furnishes another proof of the 
 total ignorance of these immaculate republicans, that 
 they were obliged to select an Englishman for this 
 station, because there was not a single native in the 
 whole country, that was qualified for the place. The 
 doctor did not exactly say this, but he intimated as 
 much. He also further assured me that there was not 
 a single invention patented here that he himself had 
 not previously anticipated. Yet these people pretend 
 to original genius. 
 
 To exemplify the state of manners and morals, as 
 well as the ferocious, intemperate passions engendered 
 and fostered by the turbulent spirit of democracy, the 
 doctor related to me the following anecdote. The 
 affair took place a few days before my arrival. 
 
 It seems a feUow by the name of Ramsbottom,* a 
 man-milliner by trade, and a roaring republican, had 
 taken offence at a neighbour whose name was Hig- 
 ginbottom, because his wife had attempted to cheapen 
 a crimped tucker at his shop, and afterwards reported 
 that he sold his things much dearer than his rival 
 man-milliner who lived over the way, whose name 
 was Winterbottom, and whose next-door neighbour 
 on the right hand was named Leatherbottom, and on 
 the left Oddy. In the pure spirit of democracy, Rams- 
 bottom, who was reckoned rather a good-natured 
 fellow for a republican, determined to dirk, not only 
 Higginbottom, Winterbottom, Leatherbottom, and 
 Oddy, but likewise their wives, together with all the 
 little Higginbottoms, Winterbottoms, Leatherbottoms, 
 
 * Our author forgets that he has told this story before, two or three timea. 
 But this is excusable in a stranger. — Printer's Demi. 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. ,361 
 
 Oddys, and Oddities. It was several years before 
 Ramsbottom could get them all together, so as to 
 make one job of it. At last, however, he collected 
 the whole party at his own house, which was next 
 door to the doctor's, to keep their Christmas-eve, and 
 determined to execute his diabolical purpose. It ap- 
 pears, however, that he had previously changed his 
 purpose of dirking — on account of the trouble proba- 
 bly, as he was a lazy dog. Be this as it may, just as 
 the whole party were up to their eyes in a Christmas- 
 pie, a horrible explosion took place — the house blew 
 up, and every soul, Kamsbottom, Higginbottom, Win- 
 terbottom, Leatherbottom, their wives, and all the 
 little innocent Ramsbottoms, Higginbottoms, Win- 
 terbottoms, Leatherbottoms, Oddys, and Oddities, 
 were scattered in such minute and indivisible atoms, 
 that not a vestige of them could be found the next 
 day, except a little bit of Mrs. Higginbottom's fore- 
 finger, that was known by the length of the nail ; it 
 being the custom of the ladies of Washington to let 
 that particular nail grow, for the purpose of protect- 
 ing themselves against gouging at tea-parties and 
 elsewhere. Such is the ferocity and deadly spirit of 
 vengeance generated in the hotbed of polluted democ- 
 racy, that the desperado, Eamsbottom, it appears, like 
 another republican Samson of old, hesitated not to 
 involve himself and all his family in destruction, only 
 to be revenged upon a poor woman for cheapening a 
 crimped tucker. 
 
 The first thing in "Washington that excites the no- 
 tice of a stranger who has been used to living under 
 a monarchical, or, what is the same thing, a Christian, 
 dispensation, is, that there is not a single church in 
 
362 JOHN BULL IN AMBEICA. 
 
 the -whole city. This however is the case with every 
 town and city in this country founded since the revo- 
 lution, when, the turbulent spirit of democracy getting 
 the upper hand, as might be expected the building of 
 churches was dispensed with as highly aristocratic. 
 So much, indeed, did the British troops feel the want 
 of some place of religious worship when they entered 
 the city during the late war, that, as I was assured by 
 
 Dr. T , the gallant Cockburn actually delayed 
 
 setting fire to the President's house a whole hour, 
 to afford them a decent place to say their prayers in. 
 The doctor solemnly declared to me it was the most 
 edifying sight he e-^er witnessed, and that he looked 
 upon the gallant Cockburn as one of the genuine 
 representatives of the pious crusaders of yore, for he 
 never went on a burning or plundering expedition 
 without saying his prayers beforehand. ' 
 
 On Sunday morning, (as it was, for the reason be- 
 fore stated, impossible for me to attend church), it 
 being excessively hot, I took my umbrella, and stroUed 
 out into the solitudes of this immense city. I had 
 not proceeded far, when I was assailed by a mob of 
 some two or three himdred negroes and boys, who 
 began pelting me with various unseemly missiles. 
 Not knowing what offence I had committed, I was in 
 considerable perplexity, when a sober respectable per- 
 son came up and explained the whole matter. " It is 
 the custom here," said he, "where but few persons 
 enjoy the luxury of hats, to put them on the top of 
 their umbrellas instead of their heads, in order to 
 make them the more conspicuous. Your omitting 
 to do this has caused a suspicion of your being an 
 Englishman, and that you have not already lost both 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEEICA. 363 
 
 eyes and part of your nose, and been roasted at a log- 
 fire, is a great piece of good luck." By his advice, I 
 immediately did homage to the genius of democracy, 
 by placing my hat on the top of my umbrella, and 
 hoisting both over my head. This appeased the mob, 
 who gave three cheers, under cover of which I re- 
 treated, accompanied by the stranger, who I at first 
 took it for granted had a design to rob me, if not 
 something worse. 
 
 Upon further intercourse and examination, how- 
 ever, I had a shrewd suspicion of his being one of my 
 own countrymen. He was a stout, square-built man, 
 with a brog,d ruddy face, redolent of small-beer ; all 
 which appearances were in perfect contrast with the 
 rawboned, cadaverous figures of the natives. Instead 
 of the Hght loose pantaloons, short gingham coats, 
 and detestable straw hats, which constitute the sum- 
 mer dress of the Yankee gentlemen, he wore a frock 
 of genuine British broadcloth, a pair of corduroy 
 breeches, and woollen stockings, all which gave him 
 a respectable and responsible appearance, although 
 rather warm for the season. These peculiarities, 
 together with a certain politeness of manner and 
 purity of language, almost persuaded me that he was 
 a true Englishman, and presently afterward, seeing 
 him wipe his nose on the sleeve of his coat, I became 
 satisfied my conjecture was well founded. We soon 
 became sociable, and continued our walk together 
 some time. I found him, like all the Englishmen I 
 have met with here, out of humour and discontented 
 with every thing — the people, the country, the gov- 
 ernment, the air, the water, and most especially the 
 system of farming and the obstinate ignorance of the 
 American farmers. 
 
364 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA, 
 
 " I brought with me to this country," said he, "ris- 
 ing of two thousand guineas, with part of which I 
 bought a farm in Pennsylvania. Being determined 
 to show them something in the way of farming which 
 they never saw before, for the honour of Old England, 
 I sent home for iron ploughs, iron harrows, and iron 
 rakes ; in short I had every thing of iron, even to my 
 hog-trough. I also imported an English buU, English 
 cows, English sheep, English hogs, an English dairy- 
 woman, an English ploughman, English ploughs, and 
 all sorts of English farming implements. AU this 
 cost me a great deal of money — but I was deter- 
 mined to show the Yankee farmers something, for the 
 honour of Old England. , 
 
 " As I expected huge crops, owing to my improved 
 system of English farming, I built large barns for my 
 wheat and hay, large stables for my horses, oxen, 
 cows, sheep, and other stock, for I was determined 
 they should be well lodged. I spent a vast deal in 
 hedging, ditching, and other improvements, the labour 
 of which was rather expensive, and made another 
 great hole in my guineas. However, I was resolved 
 to show these bumpkins something in the way of 
 farming, for the honour of Old England. 
 
 " I was so much taken up with these preparatory 
 arrangements that the season passed away before I 
 had time to put in my crops, so that I was under the 
 necessity of purchasing food and fodder for myself 
 and my English stock, which made another hole in 
 my guineas. However, the spring came on, and I set 
 to work to show the Yankees something in the way 
 of farming, for the honour of Old England. My bull 
 had been stuffed and curry-combed till he had grown 
 
JOHN BULL, IN AMERICA. 365 
 
 a perfect monster, so that, when I turned him into the 
 field, the neighbours came from ten miles round to 
 see him. An old Quaker, whose farm joined mine, 
 said to me, ' Friend, I fear our earth is not strong 
 enough for thy bull ; ' but I paid no attention to his 
 slang. 
 
 " Being perfectly satisfied, from the analysis of Sir 
 Humphrey Davy, that wheat,, rye, corn, and the other 
 gxaims cultivated in this country, contained little or no 
 nourishment as compared with other products, I deter- 
 mined to put my whole force upon a field of four 
 acres, which I devoted to the cultivation of ruta-baga. 
 With my iron plough, my iron harrow, and my En- 
 glish ploughman assisted by two Yankee labourers, in 
 the course of two months I put my four acres into 
 such order as never had been seen before. It was a 
 perfect garden. The rows were as straight as arrows, 
 and there was not a clod of earth above ground as 
 large as an egg to be seen. Every-body came to ad- 
 mire, but as yet nobody imitated me, — such is the 
 ignorant and insolent obstinacy of the Yankee farmers. 
 
 "'Friend,' said my neighbour, the old Quaker — 
 ' friend Shortridge, what art thou going to put into 
 thy field here?' 
 
 " ' Ruta-baga.' 
 
 " ' Buta-baga ! — what is that,, friend John ? ' 
 
 " ' Turnips,' replied I. 
 
 " ' Well, why didn't thee call them so at first ? If 
 thou talkest Latin here, nobody will understand thee, 
 friend John. But what art thou going to do with thy 
 turnips?' 
 
 "'I shall feed my cattle, sheep, and hogs with 
 some, and sell the rest to my neighbours.' 
 
366 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 " ' But thy neighbours will raise their own turnips, 
 and will not buy.' 
 
 " ' Then I will send them to market.' 
 
 " ' What, sixty miles, over a turnpike ? That will 
 be a bad speculation, friend John. Thee had best put 
 in a few acres of wheat and corn. They will pay the 
 expense of taking to market. Thy turnips will cost 
 more than they wiU come to.' 
 
 " ' Not I, indeed, friend Underbill,' said I. ' Sir 
 Humphrey Davy says there is little or no nourishment 
 in wheat and corn.' 
 
 " ' No ? ', quoth the old Quaker, with a sly glance at 
 his round portly figure ; — 'I have lived upon them 
 all my life, and never made the discovery, friend John.' 
 
 " My ruta-bagas flourished to the admiration of the 
 whole neighbourhood; and when I came to gather 
 my crop in the fall, there was a heap as high as a 
 hay-stack. Some of them measured eighteen inches 
 in diameter. I was as proud as a peacock, for I had 
 now done something for the honour of Old England. 
 I determined to give my cattle, sheep, and hogs, a 
 great feast, and invited my good neighbour, the 
 Quaker, to see how they would eat ruta-baga. A 
 quantity was nicely cut up and thrown to them one 
 morning, but, to my astonishment and mortification, 
 not one would touch a morsel. Whether it was that 
 they had become spoUed by a fine season of grass I 
 cannot tell; but the buU turned up his nose — the 
 cows turned their backs, and so did the sheep — while 
 the pigs ran away, screaming mightily. ' Thee should 
 set them to reading Sir Humphrey Davy, friend John,' 
 quoth my neighbour — ' they haven't learning enough 
 to relish thy Latin turnips.' 
 
JOHN BULL m AMBEICA. 367 
 
 " The autumn was now come, and there was a long 
 winter before me, for which, I confess, I was but ill- 
 provided. Relying on my specific, I had neglected 
 my grass, or rather had pastured it the whole season ; 
 depending on my turnips, as I said before, for winter 
 food for my stock, I sent a load of them to market, 
 but the tolls and other expenses swallowed up the 
 price of the venture, and brought me a little in debt. 
 I then offered to exchange ruta-bagas with my neigh- 
 bours for hay and other products, but they shook their 
 heads and declined, to a man. 
 
 " On the back of this came the loss of my fa- 
 mous bull, who one night got into a piece of low- 
 ground, where he sunk in, and perished before morn- 
 ing, ' I am sorry for thy loss, friend John,' said the 
 old Quaker ; ' but I told thee our earth was not strong 
 enough for a beast with such little short legs and such 
 a huge body.' To mend the matter, my plump, rosy- 
 faced, English dairy-maid got married to a young fel- 
 low of the neighbourhood, whose father was a rich 
 farmer, and my imported ploughman, being told that a 
 dram in the morning was good for keeping off the ague 
 and fever, seemed to think he couldn't have too much 
 of a good thing, and was fuddled from morning till 
 night. 
 
 " Winter came on, and a terrible long hard winter 
 it was. For some time I purchased of the neigh- 
 bours what I wanted for my family and stock, but 
 the spring turning out very backward, and the frost 
 continuing till late in April, all kinds of food for cat- 
 tle and stock became so scarce that there was none to 
 be had for love or money. As a last resort, I resolved 
 again to try the ruta-bagas. Accordingly, after pre- 
 
JOHN BULL IS AMERICA. 
 
 paring my cattle and pigs by a long fast, I offered 
 some to their acceptance. It was Hobson's choice, 
 and they nibbled a little, making divers wry faces 
 withal. By degrees they took to it more kindly, and 
 ate freely. But somehow or other, so far from thriv- 
 ing or growing fat upon this fare, they dwindled away, 
 so that many of them gave up the ghost, and those 
 that were turned to pasture in the spring looked like 
 skeletons. The old Quaker came to inspect them one 
 day. ' Thy cattle are rather lean, friend John,' said 
 he, ' but there is one comfort, they wiU not sink into' 
 the marshes and perish, like thy fat Teeswater bull.' 
 
 " Thus ended my first season of farming. It had 
 not realized my expectations to be sure, but I had 
 now grown somewhat wiser by experience, and was 
 resolved this year to do something handsome for the 
 honour of Old England. About this time my brother, 
 a capital Norfolk farmer, wrote me word Sir Hum- 
 phrey DaAry had just announced to the world an an- 
 alysis of carrots, by which it appeared that they con- 
 tain a greater quantity of saccharine matter than 
 any other common vegetable, and consequently more 
 nourishment. Seizing this hint, I turned my attention 
 immediately to the cultivation of carrots, being re- 
 solved to reap the benefit at once, before anybody 
 should enter into competition. I selected a field of 
 sixteen acres, which I employed six labourers to pre- 
 pare and cultivate under my direction. '- John,' said 
 the old Quaker, 'what art thou about this season? 
 Art thou in love with thy Latin turnips still ? ' 
 
 " ' Pshaw ! ' replied I, ' carrots have twice as much 
 saccharine matter. I am going to cultivate carrots.' 
 
 "'Friend John, thou wilt never prosper tiM thou' 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMEBICA. 369 
 
 callest things by their honest Christian names. But 
 what dost thou expect to do with thy sixteen acres of 
 saccharine matter ? ' 
 
 " ' I shall feed my cattle with part, and send the 
 rest to market.' 
 
 " ' Ah ! John, John,' exclaimed the old Quaker, ' re- 
 member thy turnips with the hard name.' 
 
 " My crop of carrots was amazing. I had such a 
 quantity I did not know what to do with them, for 
 my neighbours had enough of their own, and they 
 were not worth taking to market. My cattle, to be 
 sure, having little else, sometimes tried to eat them, 
 but they some how or other didn't thrive, and besides 
 this, I and my family could not live upon carrots, 
 This winter, therefore, I was again obliged to buy 
 almost every thing I wanted, and the remainder of my 
 guineas vanished. Not only this, but I was compelled 
 to take up money from the old Quaker to a consider- 
 able amount, to buy stock to replace several of my 
 horses, cows, and sheep, that died during the winter.; 
 for, some how or other, the saccharine matter of the 
 carrots did not seem to agree with them. Every time 
 I went to the Quaker to borrow money, he would say, 
 after letting me have it, ' Friend John, thee had better 
 plant corn and sow wheat and rye, as we do, though 
 they don't contain quite so much of the saccharine 
 matter.' My reply usually was, ' Friend UnderhiU, 
 thy money is better than thy advice. I didn't come 
 all the way from Old England to learn farming of 
 you Yankees.' 
 
 " But, although I put in practice regularly the most 
 approved methods recommended by Arthur Young 
 and other great English farmers, and adopted every 
 
 24 
 
370 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 improvement I saw published by the English agricul- 
 tural societies, I as regularly went behindhand every 
 year, and was obliged to borrow money, every now 
 and then, of the old Quaker, who never failed to re- 
 peat his advice, which I always treated in the same 
 manner. "Whoever heard of a thorough-bred English 
 farmer demeaning himself by imitating these ignorant 
 Yankees ? 
 
 " I had forgot to mention, among other instances of 
 the obstinacy with which these republicans adhere to 
 their barbarous notions, that they resisted all my per- 
 suasions to adopt the wholesome English custom of 
 wearing woollen garments during the summer. They 
 stuck to their straw hats and linen shirts and trowsers, 
 and laughed at my corduroy breeches and worsted 
 stockings, though I proved to them they were much 
 the more healthy and comfortable. To be sure, I used 
 to perspire a little in the dog-days — but what of that ? 
 I was resolved not to sacrifice the honour of Old Eng- 
 land to the ignorance of these raw republicans. The 
 old Quaker came to me one day, when the thermom- 
 eter was at ninety, and said in his sly way, ' Friend 
 John, if thee is cold, I will lend thee my great coat, 
 for verily it is a bitter day, for the season.' I took no 
 notice of what he said, for, though I really did feel a 
 little uncomfortable, it would have been too great 
 a triumph for these people, to see me adopting any of 
 their notions. 
 
 " At the end of three years I went one day to the 
 old Quaker, to take up some more money. ' Friend 
 John,' said he, ' hast thou ever read in Sir Humphrey 
 Davy, or any of thine oracles, that borrowing-day is 
 always sooner or later followed by pay-day ? Thou 
 
JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 371 
 
 hast been borrowing for the last three years, without 
 paying either principal or interest. I cannot advance 
 thee any more, for thy farm will scarcely sell for what 
 will pay the debt thou already owest me.' This was 
 a thing that had not struck me before, as I had never 
 read of it either in Arthur Young or any other ap- 
 proved agriculturist. As it was known all over the 
 neighbourhood that my farm was mortgaged for its 
 fuU value to the Quaker, my credit was now gone ; 
 and, in order to raise money for the supply of my in- 
 creasing wants, I began to cut down the trees, and 
 sell the timber to the wheelwrights and others. 
 
 " Hearing of this, the old Quaker came to me, and 
 said, ' Friend John, if thou goest on in this way, thy 
 farm wiU, by and by, be without wood, and will not 
 sell for wherewithal to pay my mortgages. For thy 
 sake, as well as mine, I shall foreclose.' He did so. 
 My farm was sold at public sale by the sheriff, and 
 bought in by the old Quaker to save himself from 
 loss. When I was on the point of quitting the neigh- 
 bourhood, he came to me and said, ' Friend John, 
 thou art going away among strangers, without money. 
 Here is fifty doUars to begin the world again, which 
 thou wilt pay me when thou art able, and I will give 
 thee a little advice that will, if thou takest it, be worth 
 ten times as much. It is, to remember whenever thou 
 comest into a strange country, there is always some- 
 thing to learn, as well as to teach. The same shoe 
 wUl not fit every body's foot, neither will the same 
 mode of farming suit every country. The best farmer 
 is not he that raises the greatest crops, but he that 
 raises them at the least expense. In thy country, land 
 is dear and labour cheap — in ours, labour is dear 
 
372 JOHN BULL IN AMERICA. 
 
 and land cheap. This must needs make a difference 
 in the quantity of labour which it is profitable to put 
 on thy land, so that the product will pay for thy 
 labour. Moreover, thy big bull with the little short 
 legs, and thy big fat sheep and cows that can scarcely 
 waddle along, will do for the smooth lawns, close- 
 shaven hills, and cool skies of thy country, but they 
 wiU not stand our hot summers, our swampy low- 
 grounds and our rough rocky mountains. Moreover, 
 I do most especially recommend thee to eschew turnips 
 with Latin names ; to plant corn and potatoes ; sow 
 wheat and rye, like thy neighbours; and, above all, 
 abjure Sir Humphrey Davy and his saccharine matter. 
 Farewell, friend John ; I wish thee better success 
 another time.' " 
 
 I have given this story as nearly as possible, for the 
 purpose of exhibiting at fuU length a warning example 
 to our English farmers at home, who may be about to 
 emigrate to this country. In order to succeed, they 
 must, in the first place, accommodate themselves to 
 situation and circumstances, which is contrary to the 
 independent nature and feelings of a true-born Eng- 
 lishman. Instead of the soil, climate, products, and 
 seasons, accommodating themselves to their mode of 
 farming, as they ought to do considering its immense 
 superiority, our farmers, forsooth, must pay homage 
 to the genius of democracy, and degrade themselves 
 by stooping to learn where they came to teach. They 
 must consent to grow articles that will pay for carry- 
 ing to market, although they don't contain half the 
 quantity of saccharine matter which others do — they 
 must plant corn and wheat, instead of carrots and 
 ruta-baga — they must unlearn their own knowledge, 
 
JOHN BULL m AMERICA. 373 
 
 and adopt the ignorance of others — they must even 
 consult the wayward appetites of their imported cattle 
 and pigs, who seem actually to become sophisticated, 
 by breathing the air of democracy, and occasionally 
 smelling to the Yankee cattle over a stone wall. 
 
 After spending the whole morning together, stroll- 
 ing along the shady river, we returned to dinner. The 
 day was so excessively hot that I almost caught my- 
 self envying the Yankees their short gingham coats, 
 straw hats, and linen pantaloons. My poor friend in 
 the wooUen stockings panted like a tired mastiff, and 
 perspired like an ox; but still there was something 
 very respectable in his blue broad-cloth frock, striped 
 swans-down waistcoat, corduroy breeches, and gray 
 worsted hose. I forgot to mention that this deluded, 
 though worthy, man had come to Washington for 
 the purpose of petitioning the congress to establish 
 a farm at the public expense, and under his special 
 direction, with the view of giving a practical illustra- 
 tion of the benefits of a system of farming adapted 
 to an old country, when applied to a new one. But 
 his proposal was treated with the most stupid in- 
 difference by the arrogant, self-sufficient, bundling, 
 gouging, guessing, drinking, dirking, spitting, chewing, 
 pig-stealing, impious genius of democracy, as the 
 Quarterly says. ******** 
 
POSTSCRIPT 
 
 THE THIRD EDITION. 
 
 It is with singular satisfaction the publisher of this 
 work announces to the public that, notwithstanding 
 the very suspicious circumstances under which the 
 writer disappeared from "Washington, as related in 
 the preface, it hath been ascertained to a moral cer- 
 tainty that he not only escaped with life but is stiU 
 living. It is supposed that he took the opportunity 
 of his room-mate's being asleep to make good his 
 escape ; so that we rejoice to have it in our power to 
 vindicate the little Frenchman, (who, we confess, is a 
 great favourite of ours), from the atrocious suspicions 
 which, to our shame be it spoken, we assisted so ma- 
 terially in giving currency to. 
 
 What became of the amateur of the Quarterly 
 after his miraculous disappearance is not certainly 
 known ; but, from what we shall relate, it will appear 
 that he continued his researches into the nature and 
 depravity of a republican government, finished the 
 tour of the United States, and returned safely to Eng- 
 land, where he published an account of his travels^ 
 so perfectly similar in style, character, and sentiment, 
 to the present production, as to prove his identity with 
 
 [375] 
 
376 POSTSCEIPT. 
 
 our author beyond all contradiction. Anybody who 
 reads the late work called " Men and Manners in the 
 United States ", and compares it with this, will require 
 no further proof. 
 
 But, if any further proof should be wanted, the fol- 
 lowing fact will silence the most resolute doubter. It 
 so happened, that, when this distinguished navigator 
 visited the city of Washington on his second tour to this 
 country, (which it is presumed he undertook for the 
 purpose of supplying the loss of his invaluable manu- 
 script, as related in our preface), he put up at the 
 Mansion Hotel, the very house from whence he so 
 strangely disappeared. The same waiter still retained 
 his post in the hotel, and immediately recognized the 
 companion of the inscrutable little Frenchman, who, 
 it was afterwards ascertained, had departed in an 
 early stage for the South, without exciting any notice, 
 so that the incident was forgotten at the time. 
 
 The distinguished navigator was at first incHned to 
 deny his identity, and demurred to the payment of the 
 small score he had run up previous to his abrupt 
 secession some years before. But the proofs were so 
 strong, that, though he had disguised himself in a 
 clean dicky to pay a visit to the President, he was 
 finally compelled to plead guilty and settle his bUl. 
 
 Thus is this mysterious affair at length cleared up, 
 to the satisfaction of the world, and the exonerating 
 of the little Frenchman from all suspicion of murder 
 or abduction. It was a singular coincidence, which 
 many people thought rather remarkable, that, on the 
 very day the distinguished navigator arrived at "Wash- 
 ington from the North, on his second visit, the little 
 Frenchman came in from the South, with the same 
 
POSTSCRIPT. 377 
 
 mahogany face, and the same ear-rings ; but we re- 
 gret to say he had changed his dimity breeches for 
 a pair of cloth ones, the weather being rather cool. 
 The little man recognized his old travelling companion 
 with evident gratification, and at once put an end to 
 all doubts as to his being the same person. 
 
 The behaviour of the distinguished navigator, on 
 occasion of this rencounter with the little Frenchman, 
 was rather ludicrous, as we have heard. He received 
 his cordial shake of the hand with trembling dignity, 
 and tried to look big, as the vulgar say ; but it would 
 not do. The deportment of the little man was so 
 irresistibly frank and good-humoured that he could 
 have no pretext for rudeness, and suffered him to 
 shake his hand, while he cried out, " What !, hasn't 
 monsieur got to New Orleans yet ? " But the distin- 
 guished navigator, it seems, had not got over his fears 
 of robbery and murder, and made a precipitate retreat 
 from Washington within an hour after this meeting, 
 although he was engaged to dine with all the heads 
 of department in succession, and invited to thirteen 
 evening entertainments. He crossed the bridge over 
 the Potomac towards the South ; but immediately re- 
 turned by the Georgetown ferry, and shaped his 
 course North as fast as he could drive. It is supposed 
 this manoeuvre was to deceive the little Frenchman. 
 
 It gives us great pleasure to state that the author 
 of " Men and Manners " arrived safely in New York, 
 and on being offered by the publisher his due share of 
 the profits of this work generously refused to receive 
 a farthing. It only remains for us to retract the asser- 
 tion in our prefatory notice in regard to the gentle- 
 man known as The Talking Potato, which we do. 
 
378 POSTSCRIPT. 
 
 at the same time expressing our regret at the miscon- 
 ception. The present work undoubtedly belongs to 
 the author of " Men and Manners ", and we are sorry 
 that he should have been so long deprived of his 
 honours by any mistake of ours. 
 
 New Yokk, 1834. 
 
 THE END. 
 
 Cambridge ; Press of John Wilson & Son.