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 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924024871414 
 
LOVE, LAW, AND THEOLOGY; 
 
 OB, 
 
 THE OUTS AND INS 
 
 THE VETO CASE: 
 
 AN ECCLESIASTICO-LEGAL ROMANCE. 
 
 BY 
 
 ALEXANDER MACDONALD, 
 
 AUTHOR 07 " WITS THE ZOUATES AKD THE FRENCH FOILEIGK LBOIOK," " HA^D? BOOK OF THE UW 
 KELAIIVE XO »AST£I{B, WOBKME:i," ETC. 
 
 aaitS Ellustrattoiis fig Cimotjg JTinler, a.O.N.a 
 
 Theologi queruatur se a nobis traduci, qui studia ipsorum tantis vigiliis adjuvamUB, 
 quum ipsi rolentes, amplectantur talia monstra, qura plus dedccoria adteruat srdini theolo- 
 gorum, quam qniris qvuunlibet maledicus hostis posset, EsASSiVB. 
 
 GLASGOW: CAMERON & FERGUSON 
 
 LONDON: CHABLES GKIPFIN i CO. 
 
 1869. 
 
 (Ml rigMs roiruiX^ 
 
GlASGOTiT : 
 
 DVNN AND WRI8HT, 
 
 ?KINTEI13. 
 
TO 
 
 KELBURNE KING, EsQumE, M.D., 
 
 PRESIDENT 
 
 OF THE 
 
 LITERARY AND PHILOSOPHICAL INjSTITDTION, 
 HULL. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 That learned and witty Spaniard, Balthazar 
 Gracian, has laid down in his amusing book, El 
 Oraculo Manuel y Arte de Pnidencia, published 
 upwards of two hundred years ago, the maxim — 
 "Never give satisfaction to those who demand 
 none." He thinks that to afford too much in the 
 way of explanation to those who do not expect 
 any, is decidedly foolish; and that to make an 
 excuse before its time is tantamount to self-accu- 
 sation—a premature apology being, in his opinion, 
 calculated, besides, to awaken hostility that might 
 otherwise have slept. There is a good deal of 
 truth in the apothegm of the worthy old Don. If 
 it had been universally acted upon, a few good 
 Prefaces would doubtless have been lost to the 
 world ; but, on the other hand, people would have 
 been saved the trouble of reading through a great 
 many bad ones, and the necessity, in many cases, 
 
vi PREFACE. 
 
 of inverting the pathetic language of Job, by- 
 exclaiming, " Oh! that they were not pi-inted in a 
 book." While, however, w^ do not suppose that 
 the public will care much about the origin or 
 intention of the following chapters, it may not be 
 amiss to say something by way of explanation, 
 keeping carefully in view the advice of the venei'- 
 able Balthazar, 
 
 Any one who takes the trouble of noting what 
 are called the signs of the times, must be stnick 
 with the fact that Society — social, politic al and 
 religious — in these realms, is undergoing a rapid, 
 although silent and almost imperceptible change. 
 Who would have predicted, some sixty or seventy 
 years ago, the wondrous results of practical 
 science in our time — the era of the steam-engine 
 and the electric telegraph? What artizan of 
 those days of close boroughs and trade monopolies 
 would have dreamt that they should be all swept 
 away, and that he himself would be entitled to 
 vote for a Member of Parliament — perhaps to sit 
 in the House of Commons itself — ^instead of being- 
 represented by the everlasting "Bailie" of his 
 native town 1 Who, except some prophetic indi- 
 vidual of the Dr. Gumming school, would have 
 imagined that in Italy and Spain the Papacy 
 would lose its authority — that sturdy monks 
 
PREFACE. vli 
 
 would have to leave ancient monasteries " void, 
 redd, and patent," and that, as the Romish faith, 
 its institutions and ceremonies, were in course of 
 being uprooted from Italian and Spanish soil, they 
 should be spreading over the length and breadth 
 of Protestant England ; while the Irish Church 
 would be blotted out of existence to soothe the 
 clamours of emancipated Romanists ? But above 
 all, who would have been bold enough to say that 
 in Calvinistic Scotland the authority of the Deca- 
 logue would be scouted even in the pulpit of the 
 "Auld Kirk" itself, and that the odious "kist o' 
 whuseels" should again make its appearance 
 within its sacred walls ? 
 
 Whether the Church ought to remain stationary, 
 or should progress in the matter of doctrine and 
 litual ; whether psalms should be sung standing 
 or sitting ; or prayers be listened to in a kneeling 
 or in an upright posture — ^we do not pretend to 
 say. The Church of Scotland may or may not be 
 behind the age in these and in other things of 
 equal importance ; but there is one matter at least, 
 and that of a very vital description, in which she 
 is not merely behind the age, but with regard to 
 which she stands alone — to wit, in her ecclesiaS' 
 tical law and procedure. The obj ect of the follow- 
 ing chapters is to show the working of this system, 
 
viii PREFACE. 
 
 by tracing a case of disputed settlement from its 
 
 gennination in the cabals of a certain class of 
 
 objectors to its commencement in the Presbyteiy, 
 
 and final disposal by the General Assembly ; to 
 
 bring the reader, so to speak, behind the scenes, 
 
 and to lay bare the motives and intentions which, 
 
 in many instances, influence the various actors in 
 
 this clerical drama. The scenes and characters 
 
 are not all fictitious. Some of the dramatis personce 
 
 are still living. While what is written is, to a 
 
 certain extent, in the form of burlesque, it wotdd 
 
 not be possible to write a more complete travesty 
 
 upon judicial procedure than what is recorded in 
 
 many ol the printed cases which have come before 
 
 the Assembly. Objections of the most ridiculous 
 
 character, got up, perhaps, by a few malignant 
 
 and interested men, are attempted to be supported 
 
 by evidence of such astounding absurdity, eagerly 
 
 listened to and willingly accepted by Chm-ch 
 
 Courts, that a century or so hence, when the 
 
 world, let us hope, will be wiser and better than 
 
 it is now, the antiquarian who disentombs some 
 
 of these cases will stand aghast at the ignorance, 
 
 hypocrisy, and caddishness which they almost 
 
 universally display. It is to be hoped that long 
 
 ere that time arrives, Ecclesiastical Covurts, as 
 
 now constituted and worked, may be things of 
 
PREFACE. ix 
 
 the past^-tliat men of learning and piety, on 
 entering the Church as its ministers, may no 
 longer be exposed to vexatious and frequently 
 malicious opposition, involving them in long 
 months of tormenting anxiety, and in expenses 
 which, even when they are successful, it may take 
 the savings of a lifetime to defray ; and that the 
 people may not be compelled to vindicate conscien- 
 tious objections to an unsuitable minister through 
 the medium of a keen and protracted litigation. 
 
 The dii-ect cause of this state of matters is 
 undoubtedly the law of patronage, as exemplified 
 in the praptical working of Lord Aberdeen's Act 
 — a measure which constitutes the right to object 
 to a presentee, and regulates the form of pro- 
 cedure to be followed out, supplemented by vari- 
 ous Acts of Assembly ; but in the following pages 
 its working and effects, in the case of a disputed 
 settlement, have been displayed in a favom-able 
 light, for they show only the cabal of a few 
 interested individuals, successful for a time, while 
 in the end, the people were triumphant. But, 
 alas! this is not always the result. Many cases 
 have occurred where the cabal was successful, and 
 the people were defeated. Patronage is a bale- 
 fiil and hydra-headed monster. Who will arise 
 and help us to slay him ? 
 
X tEEFACfi. 
 
 A state of matters such as that which now 
 exists is injurious and demoralizing to all parties 
 — to the people, the presentee, and the Church 
 itself — and urgently calls for reformation. The 
 magnitude of the task to be undertaken seems to 
 frighten those whose duty it is to set about it. 
 They are afi'aid to begin the work, although fully 
 satisfied as to its necessity. Julius Caesar was 
 wont to say that great exploits should be engaged 
 in without deliberation, lest a contemplation of 
 the danger might damp the ardoiu* necessary to 
 cany out the enterprise. It would in the present 
 case, at aU events, be a lesser evil to venture 
 upon the work without further consideration, than 
 to be perpetually talking about the difficulty of 
 accomplishiag it. The quaint old author to whom 
 we have abeady referred, furnishes us with a 
 maxim which might sometimes perhaps be fol- 
 lowed with advantage. He recommends that 
 "what is easy ought to be entered upon as 
 if it were difficult, and what is difficult as if 
 it were easy; the one for fear of slacking 
 through too much confidence, the other for fear 
 of losing courage through too much apprehen- 
 sion." Why not approach the matter of Eccles- 
 iastical Reform fiimly and boldly, and be done 
 with a system which, it is not too nnich to 
 
PBEFACE. xi 
 
 say, is a blot upon our civilisation, and a disgrace 
 to Christianity'? 
 
 There are some 6%^^ which can only be suc- 
 cessfully attacked when they are thoroughly 
 ridiculed, and the present is one of them. How 
 much did the cause of the Reformation owe to 
 the colloquies of Erasmus? Perhaps as much as 
 to the fixlminations of Luther. We know how 
 keenly then- pungent satire was felt by the 
 Romish priesthood from the vhulent attacks 
 which they made upon the author. While we do 
 not anticipate that anything that might be writ- 
 ten against what, by a perversity of language, is 
 called " church settlements" could call forth similar 
 attacks ia our day, yet, should it do so, it would 
 be well for irate presbyters to remember the 
 reply of Erasmus to the Romish Churchmen. 
 " TJieologi" says he, " queruntiir se a nobis traduci, 
 qui studia ipsorum tantis vigiliis adjiivamus, quum 
 ipsi volentes, amplectantur talia monstra, qum plus 
 dedecoris adferunt ordini Theologorum, quam quivis 
 quamlibet maledicus hostis posset;" which may be Eng- 
 lished thus: — "The clergy complain that they are 
 traduced by me, who have assisted them by so many 
 labours, while they themselves practise such mon- 
 strous things as bring more disgrace upon their 
 order than the most malicious enemy could inflict." 
 
xii PREFACE. 
 
 The system, in short, is radically rotten and 
 indefensible, and must eventually be swept away. 
 If the " Outs and Ins of the Veto Case" shall have 
 any effect in showing the necessity for an imme- 
 diate and thorough Reform, they will have accom- 
 plished a very necessary and desirable end. 
 
 Hyndford Place, Govajs Eoad, 
 Glasgow, ntJb March, 1869. • 
 
 ADVERTISEMENT TO SECOND EDITION. 
 
 In issuing this Edition the Publishers beg to state that it 
 is printed from New Type, and that the present Illustrations 
 are done from Engravings on Copper. Although the Book is 
 otherwise materially improved, no increase has been made in 
 the price. 
 
 (Glasgow, 1st Mai/, 18C9. 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 PAQB. 
 
 Sketch of the Parish of Veto, in the Presbytery of Dun- 
 derhead — Its peculiar attractions for a "young, 
 vigorous, and energetic minister,'' and the require- 
 ments of the parish for such a pastor — ^Appointment 
 of a presentee — His trial discourses, . , . . 19 
 
 CHAPTER II. 
 
 Some account of the principal objectors, and their 
 coadjutors — The Rev. Adam P. Sneaker, expectant 
 presentee — Plans for a public meeting and dinner to 
 the Presbytery, 27 
 
 CHAPTER HI. 
 
 Huistan M'Huistan overhears a private conversation — 
 Important consequences thereof — Gathering of the 
 clans for a public meeting — Proceedings of the elders, 
 Alister Fillyerglass and MaccuUamore Quaighhom, 33 
 
 CHAPTER IV. 
 
 Scenes at a parish meeting — Signal defeat of the objectors, 
 — An elder trying to draw a minister's leg — Hypoo- 
 jisy versus Simplicity, .,,,., 40 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER V 
 
 Huistan's plans for a retaliation — Direful effects of a 
 debauch — A tailor and an elder soused in a duck 
 pond — Mr. Porter's dinner party — Sketch of Mr. 
 Sharper Poind, writer, Glasgow, .... 69 
 
 CHAPTER VI. 
 
 Dinner party given by the objectors — Members of the 
 Presbytery of Dunderhead and their wives — A local 
 belle, with £s. d., captivates a money -hunting lawyer 
 — Legal and clerical confabulation, .... 87 
 
 CHAPTER \II. 
 
 Ministerial and legal guests desert the diet, pro loco et 
 tempore, but return to the dessert — A lawyer in love 
 with £15,000 — An amiable clerical sneak and a 
 poetical heiress — ^Ecclesiastical love in a drawing- 
 room, and ludicrous dinouemeni — Mrs. Pry, the post- 
 mistress, with a confidante, over a cuji'of tea, . . 108 
 
 CHAPTER VIII. 
 
 Edinburgh and Glasgow ecclesiastical lawyers — Messrs. 
 Horn & Poind, writers, Candleriggs, Glasgow, and 
 Mr. Gabby Garrempey, S.S.C, High Street, Edin- 
 burgh — The Rev. Mr. M'Cringer tries to measure the 
 presentee's trowsers and his powers of walking — 
 Huistan M'Huistan and the Kev. Dr. Browser, . 124 
 
 CHAPTER IX. 
 
 A lawyer's plan for defeating a clerical stratagem — The 
 presentee's powers of walking tested — Meeting of 
 elders — M'Cringer's disappointment — Dinner at Dr. 
 Browser's manse, 140 
 
CONTENTS. XV 
 
 CHAPTER X. 
 
 PASK 
 
 Moderating in a Call — Scenes thereat — Diamond cut 
 diamond between a Gaelic and an English sermon— 
 A clerical champion appears for the presentee, . 15S 
 
 CHAPTER XI. 
 
 Objections to the presentee — Kelevanoy deferred — Scene 
 at the reading and signing of the objections — Party 
 fight at the close of the proceedings — The Presbytery 
 adjourn to dine with the objectors, and the presentee 
 is escorted to his quarters at Porterbier, . , , 174 
 
 'y- CHAPTER XII. 
 
 Matrimonial speculations of a lawyer and a minister — 
 Expedition to Snufimull in search of evidence against 
 the presentee by an Irish clerk and Highland elder — 
 Results of the adventure — In the hands of the Irish 
 police 189 
 
 CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 Settling the relevancy — Arguments for and against the 
 relevancy of the objections — Scenes in the church — 
 Characters of the Rev. Caleb Bouncer and the Rev. 
 Dr. Totty M'KUlrussell, 210 
 
 CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 Relevancy of the objections concluded — How the Presby- 
 tery disposed of the objections to the presentee's 
 red hair, his squint, and the smallness of his nose — 
 A drunken beadle in trouble, . . ■ • , 230 
 
 CHAPTER Xy. 
 
 "Our special commissioner" among the Highland inn- 
 keepers — Mr. Charles Edward Puff, foreign and do- 
 mestic correspondent of the Daily Flabbergaster — His 
 doings at the clachan of Brackaneckortwa, and the 
 "inns" at Porterbier — Noetes Huistanianos Chris- 
 tianceque, 252 
 
ivi CONTENTS. 
 
 CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Disasters of a morning — Alarming news — Highland 
 
 carousal — Nish! Nish/ Niah! 307 
 
 CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 Evening party at the manse — Specnlations of Mrs. Pry — 
 Village gossip — ^A lawyer's declaration of love — The 
 Rev. Havral Clash sings a comic song, . . . 322 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 Murder 'will out — Apprehension and examination of a 
 Highland sheriff-ofScerand his concurrent — Dragging 
 for the bodies — Scene on Lochspelding — How they 
 manage judicial investigations in Ireland — Fate of 
 Alister Fillyerglass and Timothy Casey, . . . 344 
 
 CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 Matutinal reflections of a lawyer and a minister Aipon the 
 theory of catchingwealthy widows — ^WidowM'Creesh 
 — Messrs. Horn & Poind, 366 
 
 CHAPTER XX. 
 
 Some types of lawyers — Modem Faculties of Freebooters 
 
 — Black mail — ^A few words with our old nobility, . 3S0 
 
 CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 A lawyer's love letter — Hostilities commence — Objectors 
 begin their evidence — ^What was said by the Rev. 
 Alister M'Cringer — How the Gospel can evade the 
 Law, 434 
 
 CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 Objectors continue their evidence — ^Discovery of the 
 ' ' young, vigorous, and energetic minister " — Conse- 
 quences thereof — A young lady volunteers to give 
 le3timony — Interesting details of her examination — 
 Close of the objectors' evidence, . , , , 405 
 
CONTENTS. xvii 
 
 CHAPTER XXIII. 
 
 PAGE 
 
 Evidence for the presentee — Huistan M 'Huistan" gives the 
 Presbytery of Dunderhead a bit of his mind — Scenes 
 during his examination — ^Mr. Sharper Poind receives 
 some sharp rubs — Conclusion of the evidence, , . 499 
 
 CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 State of parties — Machinations of the Rev. Mr. Sneaker — 
 Designs upon the Widow M'Creesh — ^Ingenious opera- 
 tions of Mr. Sharper Poind — The Law steals a march 
 upon the Gospel — Unexpected meeting of the rivals— 
 The Gospel at a discount, 525 
 
 CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 Moody reflections of a disappointed divine — Hope begins 
 to dawn — The Rev. Mr. Sneaker suddenly finds him- 
 self transformed into a lion— Flag of the church 
 in the ascendant — Presbytery pronbunce judgment 
 against the presentee — A faithless swain and discon- 
 solate fair one — A trip to Edinburgh, . . . 551 
 
 CHAPTER XXVI. 
 
 Meeting of Assembly — Ecclesiastical rendezvous — Jovial 
 doings at " The Ship" — How the members are can- 
 vassed — ^Evening sederunt — The Veto case comes on 
 — Speeches of counsel— The Rev. Mr. M'Cringer 
 makes a mull of it— The objectors and Presbytery of 
 Dunderhead defeated— Scenes in the KaU—Mceunt 
 omnm — Conclusion, * • • 579 
 
LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS. 
 
 Sneaker's Inteoduction, , 
 
 
 
 PiOB 
 
 32 
 
 Hypoceisy versus Simplicity, 
 
 
 
 
 
 56 
 
 Cooking their Goose, 
 
 
 
 
 
 74 
 
 A Jap-ring Incident, 
 Legs to the Rescue, 
 
 
 
 
 
 116 
 
 147 
 
 Trowsers Triumph, . 
 
 
 
 
 
 151 
 
 SlGSMG THE ObJECIIONS, . 
 
 
 
 
 
 187 
 
 Searching for Evidence, 
 
 
 
 
 
 202 
 
 A Hard Pinch, 
 
 
 
 
 
 237 
 
 Dr^igging foe the Bodies, 
 
 
 
 
 
 347 
 
 With the Irish Police, . 
 
 
 
 
 
 360 
 
 CoTCHED AT KOME, . 
 
 
 
 
 
 413 
 
 Messrs. Horn and Poind, 
 
 
 
 
 
 435 
 
 The Widow Besieged, 
 
 
 
 
 
 546 
 
 Kemoese, .... 
 
 
 
 
 
 608 
 
LOYE, LAW, AND THEOLOGY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 SIvETCn OF THE PAEISH OF VETO, IN THE PKESBYTEKY OF DUN- 
 DERHEAD— ITS PECULIAP. ATTEACTIONS rOE A "YOUNG, 
 VIGOROUS, AND ENERGETIC MKHSTEE," AND THE REQUIRE- 
 MENTS OF THE PARISH FOE SUCH A PASTOR — ^APPOINTMENT 
 OF A PRESENTEE — HIS TRIAL DISCOURSES. 
 
 rpHE Parish of Veto, in the west of Scotland, 
 contains some three thousand inhabitants. 
 Most of them are engaged in field labour, some 
 are occupiers of small crofts, while many are 
 located in the coast villages. The parish marches 
 with the broad Atlantic. Its old, cold, and bam- 
 like church stands close to the rocky shore of that 
 stormy sea. Often does the quietness of the 
 Sabbath morn appear to be doubly still by the 
 deep and mournful soUnd of the billows, rolling 
 almost, but not quite, up to the old foundations 
 of the House of Grod ; seeming, as they retire, to 
 bow to the sacred edifice, and to say, " Thus far 
 
20 SKETCH OP THE PARISH OP VETO. 
 
 only may we go, yet we love to join our ocean 
 bass to tlie human voices which rise in song to 
 the God of man and nature." Round the church 
 straggles a little kirk-yard, enclosed by a dilapi- 
 dated dyke of rude stones, and mottled here and 
 there by hillocks covered with rank and attenu- 
 ated .grass. Here 
 
 " The rude forefathers of the hamlet sleep." 
 
 These hillocks are sheltered from the open blast 
 of the ocean, and when elsewhere all is gust and 
 fury, there, at least, the winds respect the dead — 
 they enter only to mourn. 
 
 The church and manse are surroimded by mea- 
 dows, sheep fanlcs, and distilleries. Black cattle 
 crop the herbage upon the surrounding hills — a 
 place, surely, where a parson with rural tastes 
 might add considerably to his stipend if on good 
 terms with his neighbours ! It was unquestion- 
 ably a highly desirable parish for an unmarried 
 man, there being several eligible yormg ladies 
 connected with its bucolic and alcoholic aristoc- 
 racy, and it was noAV vacant. The Rev. Torquil 
 M'Corkscrew, its pastor, had lately been gathered 
 to his fathers. He had long and faithfully filled 
 the rude pulpit of the homely kirk, and comfort- 
 ably occupied the old manse, with its unfenced 
 
SKETCH OF THE PARISH OF VETO. 21 
 
 though productive glebe, and neglected but fruit- 
 bearing orchard. Like a sensible man, he had 
 naarried early in life into one of the families, most 
 likely to further the interests of an ecclesiastic 
 ^^^th cattle-breeding proclivities, and his discon- 
 solate relict now hoped to retain possession of the 
 manse and glebe until a new minister was in- 
 ducted. 
 
 The marriageable young ladies and their male 
 relatives naturally wished that a presentation 
 should be given to one hkely to follow the example 
 of the departed M'Corkscrew. It was thus pro- 
 bably discovered that the wants of the parish 
 required the services of a " yoimg, vigorous, and 
 energetic minister." To further so desirable an 
 object, a reverend gentleman, possessing much 
 influence with Royalty, was asked to do what he 
 could to procure a presentation for a certain 
 " Dowb" who would have fulfilled all the condi- 
 tions necessary, in the eyes at least of a few 
 persons, supposed to have the best interests of 
 the parish at heart. 
 
 Unfortunately for the wishes of the amiable 
 family coterie, the Lord Advocate, who exercises 
 the privilege of disposing of Crown presentations 
 to vacant benefices, did not entertain the idea 
 that this section of the parishioners should have 
 
22 SKETCH OF THE PAEISH OP VETO. 
 
 their choice of a pastor. Perhaps he did not see 
 the necessity for their having a gentleman "with 
 merely the limited qualifications indicated. At 
 any rate, he gave the presentation to one, who, 
 although not juvenile, was vigorous and energetic. 
 Unhappily, however, he laboured under the incm;- 
 able disqualification of being a married man. 
 
 The consternation with which this news was 
 received by the parties who thought that they 
 had secm-ed the ministerial succession to the 
 defunct M'Corkscrew, may be easily imagined. 
 Visions of flitting fi.-om the manse, of young stu-ks 
 no longer browsing upon ecclesiastical grass, and 
 sheep driven to other than church folds, passed 
 before their eyes, and they determined, with 
 frowning brows, that, if possible, this thing should 
 not be. They knew that opposition to presentees 
 had been successful where family interests were 
 the real, although, of coui'se, not the ostensible 
 cause of dissent. What was to hinder the aristo- 
 cratic cattle feeders and then* friends from influ- 
 encing the members of the congregation, most of 
 whom were their own dependents, to oppose a 
 presentee ? True, the day was gone by when a 
 certain law of the church gave power to male 
 heads of famihes to reject a man without any 
 reason assigned, and objections would now require 
 
SKETCH OF THE PARISH OF VETO. 23 
 
 to be stated and proved against the presentee, 
 but then they knew that objections were thick 
 as leaves in Vallambrosa, and that in many cases, 
 presbyteries were neither over particular in deter- 
 mining their relevancy nor scrupulous in finding 
 them proved. They were fully aware, also, that 
 they could command all but a mere fraction of 
 the Presbytery of Dunderhead. The diminutive 
 long-nosed, oUy-faced incrunbent of a neighbouring 
 parish — ^the recognised leader of that remarkable 
 church court — ^had been tutor in one of their fami- 
 lies, and throiTgh its influence had obtained his 
 living. Besides, the members of Presbytery had 
 often Uved at heck and manger in their houses, 
 with the jovial hospitality of the good old times, 
 when the boisterous ferries of Hebridean Isles 
 reftised to become placable, notwithstanding, it is 
 to be hoped, the earnest prayers of belated guests 
 for moderate weather. There were few of them, 
 moreover, who had not often been driven scot-free 
 in comfortable dog-carts to the very doors of their 
 distant manses. And then, would not the As- 
 sembly (not to speak of the Synod) decide for the 
 objectors, even, as the said little oily man had 
 often remarked, because it would be magis bono 
 ecclesice that a presentee who was opposed should 
 be rejected, than that he should be inducted in 
 
24 TRIALS OP THE PBESENTEE BEGIN. 
 
 the face of a reclaiming congregation ? Had not 
 the Rev. Tryer Mussell been oast because one 
 of his trial discourses was discovered by a distin- 
 guished divine, in a certain seapoi-t town cele- 
 brated for rain, to be copied from a book of old 
 seiinons, and tottied out of existence with a broken 
 heart in consequence ; while a second presentee 
 was kept out on the suspicion that his morality- 
 was not quite up to the requirements of Law ? and 
 although the walk and conversation of a third 
 had been unsuccessfully attacked, it Avas always 
 thought that this was owing to some peculiar 
 Luck. However all this may be, such at least 
 were said to be the considerations which led to 
 the formation of a cabal against the presentee to 
 the parish of Veto before he had delivered his 
 trial discom'ses, or had even been known to or 
 seen by his opponents. 
 
 Great, then, was the excitement when the day 
 fixed by the Presbytery for preaching these dis- 
 courses arrived. The chm-ch could not contain 
 the ninnbers that flocked from all parts of the 
 coimtry, including the official members of Presby- 
 tery deputed to be present, and who put up at 
 the house of one of the leading objectors ! 
 
 When the presentee walked up the pulpit steps, 
 there was a general buzz among the congregation. 
 
TRIALS OF THE PRESENTEE BEGIN. 25 
 
 " What a head of red hair he has !" said one 
 of the embryo dissentients. 
 
 " Take a note of it, Sheepshanks," said another ; 
 " we were told by Messrs. Horn and Poind, the 
 agents, to put down everything." 
 
 " And, Helen !" excitedly exclaimed oiie of the 
 lady coadjutors, " I declare he actually squints !" 
 
 "No doubt of it. Puncheon," said Sheepshanks ; 
 "and did you not observe that his legs are 
 decidedly too short to do the work of this large 
 and hilly parish?" 
 
 " A most important objection," replied the other, 
 " I must take a note of that for Poind." 
 
 In this strain remarks were made and jotted 
 down during the course of the sermon. It was 
 found that the unfortunate subject of criticism 
 turned his head oftener to one, side of the pulpit 
 than to the other, that he blew his nose very 
 frequently, and with a sound so sonorous, that 
 his hearers lost a great part of what he said, and 
 were unable to follow him, particularly as his 
 voice was too loud. The prayers were made the 
 subject of comments of the same kind. 
 
 " Eh me ! Flora," whispered Helen, " do you see 
 how he opens his eyes ! Uncle never did that. I 
 declare he has no unction, he doesn't look at all 
 lilie a man who's in earnest." 
 
26 TRIALS OP THE PEESENTEE BEaiN. 
 
 Happily for the presentee there were many of 
 his hearers who thought very differently of his 
 gifts and qualifications. 
 
 The discourses having been dvily delivered by 
 the presentee to the member of Presbyteiy ap- 
 pointed to receive them, who (as an Irishman 
 would say) happened "accidentally on purpose" 
 to be the little oily man, instead of being lodged 
 Avith the Presbytery clerk, were quietly placed in 
 the hands of one of the objectors, with a view to 
 being discussed at a meeting of the conclave. 
 
 Whether the little oily man was present, and 
 helped to draw up the objections, may be left to 
 the imagination of the reader. 
 
 The sermons at last found their way to the 
 hands of the clerk of Presbytery, and in due time 
 a day and place were fixed for moderating in a 
 call to the presentee, according to the law and 
 practice of the Church of Scotland. 
 
CHAPTER II. 
 
 SOME ACCOUNT OF THE PEINCIPAL OBJECTORS AND THEIR COAD- 
 JUTOnS— THE EEV. ADAM P. SNEAKER, EXPECTANT PRESENTEE 
 —PLANS FOE A PUBLIC MEETING AND DINNER TO THE 
 PRESBYTEET. 
 
 TT was soon known throughout the parish that 
 •*" the presentee was to be opposed. No move- 
 ment was, however, made by the people, but the 
 cabal was active. There were four aristocratic 
 gentlemen in this body. The first was Mr, 
 Sheepshanks, cattle-dealer, a short, burly, fierce- 
 looking fellow, with a face so like a Skye terrier's 
 that one sometimes wondered why he didn't 
 bark. His Hps, when he was irritated, disclosed 
 a set of teeth which made yoti feel uncomfortable 
 about the heels! He had driven cattle so long 
 that he thought he could drive men too. He 
 was the most energetic and detei-mined of the 
 objectors; not that he cared about the kirk him- 
 self — ^lie was seldom or never inside of it, and, in 
 fact, did not belong to the Church of Scotland. 
 
 The second caballer was Mr, Puncheon, dis- 
 tiller, a hulking skunk, with a Bardolphian nose. 
 
28 SOME ACCOUNT OF THE OBJECTOKS. 
 
 who could with ease put two or three bottles of 
 whisky under his belt at a sitting, and could 
 seldom sit at ease without doing it — a man 
 whom it would be hazardous to send down a 
 coal-pit without a Davy's lamp about his pro- 
 boscis ! He was related to the M'Corkscrews. 
 
 The third member of the cabal was Mr. Porter, 
 a brewer, a jolly good-natured Englishman, and 
 an Episcopalian. He confessed that he did not 
 know what all the fuss was about, that he was 
 an objector for the reason simply that others 
 were, and because he thought the deceased 
 M'Corkscrew had been a very decent fellow, 
 and that the parish should, if possible, be kept 
 in the family. 
 
 The fourth member of the cabal was Mr. 
 Stirk, a drover, who was very seldom in the 
 parish. His mother, however, had a bothie 
 there, and he went to church about once a- 
 year, but never sat at a commimion table. 
 
 When it was ascertained that the presentee 
 was a married man, these worthies resolved to 
 drive him out of the parish, believing that having 
 accomplished this, they would get their own 
 choice of a minister. They were confirmed in 
 this resolution by the Rev. Alister M'Cringer, of 
 the parish of Ochonochree, the oily-faced indi- 
 
SOME ACCOUNT OF THE OBJECTORS. 29 
 
 vidual already mentioned as having been tutor 
 in one of their families, as well as by Mr. Smites, 
 the schoolmaster, who was himself coming out 
 for the ministry. Supported by these men, they 
 secured the services of the only two elders in the 
 parish, to wit, Mr. Quaighhom and Mr. Fillyer- 
 glass. M'Cringer was the leader of the Presby- 
 tery, in which he could command a majority, 
 even when all the members attended its meet- 
 ings. Several of that estimable body, however, 
 were wont to absent themselves when anything 
 disagreeable was to come up, or, if present, they 
 generally declined to vote. Besides having the 
 support of this influential individual, the objec- 
 tors had the legal assistance of Messrs. Horn 
 and Poind, writers, Glasgow. With such power- 
 ful aid it is not surprising that they felt confident 
 of success in carrying out their laudable inten- 
 tions with regard to Mrs. Dorcas M'Phillabeg or 
 M'Corkscrew, relict of the deceased, and her ami- 
 able daughter, Miss Flora Letitia M'Corkscrew, 
 as well as in attending to the interests of that 
 youthful "Dowb," the Rev. Adam Sneaker, be- 
 tween whom and the latter lady an affectionate in- 
 timacy had been established, with the expectation, 
 on the part of the gentleman, of stepping into the 
 manse and glebe. The acquaintanceship had been 
 
30 REV. MR. SNEAKER AND HIS AUNT. 
 
 brought about by Mrs. Piy, the village post- 
 mistress, a near relative of young Sneaker. 
 
 "Never heed, ma callan," said she to the 
 devout youth, who, shortly after the parish had 
 become vacant, paid her a visit; altho' she's 
 raither auld, and no verra bonny, she's plenty o' 
 tocher, an' ye'U be stu-e tae get the kirk." 
 
 " Do you think so "? " said he, eagerly. 
 
 "A'venae doot o't; an' ye ken she's rale fond 
 o' pootiy, an' ye're a great poet yersel', sae ye 
 ■\vad be weel matched." 
 
 " Hum," said Sneaker, " I think my verses are 
 not amiss, although that rascally editor of the 
 Glasgow Kettlc-Drum has declined several times 
 to insert them." 
 
 "Why d'ye no send them tae the Lunnon 
 Times ? A'm sure they -wad pit them in." 
 
 "Well, I think I shall. I don't see why I 
 shouldn't. I have seen much worse in its poet's 
 corner when it does give space for a poem." 
 
 " A think ye maim get intil the kirk an' manse 
 first, and leave the pootry till aifter ye're maii-ried." 
 
 "But you forget, aunt, that I am not yet 
 acquainted with Miss M'Corkscrewj and I don't 
 know that she would have me." 
 
 " Losh me ! " replied his worthy I'elative; 
 " there's naething easier nor gettin' acqtiant wi' 
 
REV. MR. SNEAKER AWH HIS AUNT. 31 
 
 her. She's a great freen o' mine, an' tells me a' 
 her mind. A ken she's gey keen aboot gettin' a 
 man, an' ye're jist the verra ane that'll suit hei'. 
 She's comin' tae tak' a dish o' tea wi' me the 
 nicht, sae ye mann bide, an' a'U introduce ye." 
 
 "Oh! but you know, aimt, I've promised 
 faithfully to the Rev. Mr. M'Sneevish, of the 
 parish of Sneeshan, that I would preach for him 
 to-morrow." 
 
 " Hoots ! awa, man ; hae ye nae sense 1 A 
 want ye tae preech in oor ain kirk the morn ; 
 they've got nae supply, ye ken, an' it'll be a gran' 
 chance for ye, aifter seeing Miss Flory, an' spoutin' 
 yer pootry, an' getting the saft side o' her, tae 
 wag yer pow in her faither's poopit." 
 
 "But what am I to do with M'Sneevish?" 
 asked the already persuaded Sneaker. 
 
 " Jist write him a bit caii'd letter that ye've 
 been suddently ta'en with the premunitories, and 
 a'U gar Duncan yoke the post gig and gang wi't 
 the noo. A'm sure ye telt me ye feelt raither queer 
 last nicht ?" said the pawky aimt. 
 
 " Well, but he'll be sure to hear that I preached 
 here." 
 
 " Aweel, ye can jist tell him ye got quat o' the 
 premunitory symptoms wi' sti'ong brandy an' 
 mm-phy. A railly think a'U hae tae gie ye a glaiss, 
 
32 THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 as ye're no lookin' jist sae weel as a wad like tae 
 Bee ye whan Mies Flory's comin' here." 
 
 It is needless to say that Sneaker took both 
 his aunt's advice and her brandy— that he met the 
 interesting Flora, spouted his poetry, preached in 
 the church, pleased the lady, but sadly displeased 
 and disappointed M'Sneevish. 
 
 As already stated, all the family interest had 
 been used to secure Sneaker's appointment to the 
 parish, but without success. Poor Flora began to 
 think that his attentions were not so marked after 
 the Rev. Fergus Ochtertyre had received the 
 presentation, and perhaps they were not ; but 
 although Sneaker did not recite; quite so much of 
 his poetry, he still had an eye to the main chance, 
 and persevered, though with less heart, in his 
 courtship, upon the assm-ance that his rival would 
 be opposed and rejected. He, of course, entered 
 heartily into the opposition to the presentee. 
 
 The unfortunate object of all this hostihty was 
 a man in the prime of Ufe ; stout, certainly, and 
 perhaps not furnished with the handsomest or 
 longest pair of legs in the world — still a thor- 
 oughly vigorous man. He had red hair and a 
 slight squint, it is true, but he was a good 
 preacher, and a person of considerable attain- 
 ments. He was of irreproachable character, and 
 
Q 
 
 o 
 
 
 
A CLIQUE OP CABALLEES. 33 
 
 had higli certificates from his own Presbytery as 
 to his usefulness as a minister. In short, he would 
 not have been appointed by the Lord Advocate 
 unless upon full inquiry and strong recommenda- 
 tion. He had no friends in the parish before he 
 preached his trial discourses. After that, how- 
 ever, the people generally — so far as they dared 
 to show their sympathy — were with him, and 
 notably the Boniface of the chief inn of the village 
 of Porterbier, who rejoiced in the euphonious cog- 
 nomen of Huistan M'Huistan. Huistan was a 
 man of gigantic stature, and possessed of consider- 
 able means and intelligence. He was at deadly 
 feud with the upper ten (or rather the upper 
 four), who affected to look down upon him as 
 being an innkeeper, while he considered himself 
 quite as good as they were. 
 
 " Tam them !" he used to say ; " a kent them 
 afore they gaed aboot in kigs and kairriageg, 
 triving thae ministers up and doon the pairish." 
 
 At the hostelry of this worthy tapster the pre- 
 sentee took up his quarters, and there it was that 
 his sympathising friends, under the leadership of 
 Huistan, used to assemble as canvassers do at 
 committee rooms during a contested election. 
 The objectors had also a rendezvous in the village; 
 
 Nothing was wanting but placards to give the 
 
 
34 A CLIQUE OF CABALLEES. 
 
 business all the air of a municipal struggle for the 
 civic honours of Porterbier. 
 
 " I say, Sheepshanks," said Ptmcheon, standing 
 before the door of their house of call, "how goes 
 the business ? Have you seen Horn and Poind?" 
 
 " Of course I have," replied the other. " I've 
 just arrived from Glasgow ; clever fellow, Poind. 
 By Jove ! he understands the whole affair. Saya 
 we are sm-e, in the present temper of the Assem- 
 bly, to succeed — attaches great importance to the 
 red hair and squint, but more to the shortness of 
 the legs. Could we, he asked, ascertain their 
 exact length? Do you think we can manage 
 that?" 
 
 " I don't know," replied Puncheon. 
 
 "Suppose," resumed Sheepshanlts, "we get 
 some pretending fi-iend to volunteer to give hiiri 
 a suit of clothes, upon the ground that it would 
 be well to patronise Rory, the tailor, on account 
 of his great influence with the people of the vil- 
 lage ? Roiy's just the man to take his measiure." 
 
 "The very thing; but I'm afraid he would 
 think they were drawing his leg." 
 
 "Not a bit of it. His coat is, at any rate, 
 rather rusty, and I think we could easily manage 
 it. We must see about this at once, before it is 
 ^Rown that we mean to object to the legs." 
 
A CLIQUE OF OABALLEES. 35 
 
 "All right."' 
 
 " But," resumed Sheepshanks, looking serious, 
 " Poind says it would be necessary now to retaiai 
 counsel. He recommends Mi*. Parsons Dodge, 
 advocate, as being a man who stands well with 
 the Assembly." 
 
 " Of course — I hear he's very successful." 
 
 " Well, but," said Sheepshanks, " he mentioned 
 that it was also necessary he himself should have 
 £100 to begin with." 
 
 «Eh! whatr' enquired Puncheon. "What 
 for?" 
 
 " Oh, just to begin with, you know ; there will 
 be retaining fees to counsel, agents in Edinburgh, 
 travelling expenses, and a great many other 
 things to pay out." 
 
 " But aren't we good enough for the account 
 when the case is finished f 
 
 " Of course ; but you laiow Poind shrugged up 
 his shoulders, said that it was the rule in all these 
 heavy cases, and giving me a knowing wink, he 
 observed, ' You know. Sheepshanks, money makes 
 the mare go.' He said that lawyers work best 
 when paid their fees in advance, so much so that 
 the great Lord Mansfield, when a counsel, if he 
 had to attend to any private matter of his own, 
 always fii-st took a handful of guineas out of 
 
80 A CLIQUE OF CABALLEKS. 
 
 a di-awer, and put them into his pocket as a fee, 
 to ensure his doing the work -well." 
 
 " I suppose then, there's no help for iti" observed 
 Puncheon, looking rather gloomy. 
 
 " Of course not," said the other. " I saw that 
 Poind would not work heartily without cash, and 
 a luliewarm lawyer is worse than none. He said 
 that church cases took away a great deal of time 
 from more profitable business, and that it was 
 only on our account he undertook it at all. Sly 
 fellow. Poind, but smart, decidedly smart." 
 
 "Well, we must have a meeting," said Puncheon, 
 "but perhaps you could advance the money in 
 the meantime?" 
 
 " Man, I bought so many cattle the other day 
 that I'm far from beiag flush — ^better have a 
 meeting. By-the-bye, talking of meetings, Poind 
 impressed upon me the necessity of having, as 
 soon as possible, a public meeting in the village 
 against the presentee, and to have it well packed. 
 He has no friends except big Huistan and his 
 following, and we can pass any resolutions we 
 like. Another thing he said was, that it would 
 be important to canvass the Presbytery. He 
 recommended that, before we took any action, a 
 dinner party should be arranged, to which the 
 members of Presbytery ought to be invited, Hq 
 
A CLIQUE OF CABALLEES. 37 
 
 said he would come down liimself, and we could 
 then feel our way amongst them. M'Cringer will, 
 of course, help us." 
 
 " Good idea, but they won't all come." 
 
 " No matter, they should all be asked." 
 
 " Well, who'll dine theml" 
 
 " Let me see," said Sheepshanks, evidently not 
 relishing the question, "my wife's not quite 
 recovered from her last illness." 
 
 " If my house were as large as yoiirs," replied 
 the other, equally anxious to shirk the obligations 
 of hospitality, " I would have no hesitation. Our 
 dining-room, I'm afraid, is hardly large enough." 
 
 "I thought you could dine forty? There 
 wouldn't, of course, be so many." 
 
 "I'm not siu-e; but what do you say to asking 
 Porter ? He's a jolly fellow, and, like all English- 
 men, fond of giving and taking a good dinner." 
 
 " Just the thing," eagerly replied the other. 
 
 Porter was thus fixed upon to provide a dinner, 
 as a step introductory to a verdict of Presbytery 
 against the presentee. 
 
CHAPTER III. 
 
 HUISTAN M'HUISTAN OVERHEARS A PRIVATE CONVERSATION— 
 I3IP0RTANT CONSEQUENCES THEREOF — GATHERING OF THE 
 CLANS FOR A PUBLIC JIEETOTG — PROCEEDINGS OF THE ELDERS 
 ALISTER FILLYEKGLASS AND MACCULLAMORE QUAIGHHORN. 
 
 rpHE two worthy interlocutors whom we left 
 -^ conversing, to wit, Messrs. Sheepshaiiks 
 and Puncheon, met by appointment next day 
 to arrange about the proposed meeting. 
 " Well," said Puncheon, " is it all right ? "' 
 " Yes; the meeting is to be held in the school- 
 house to-night at eight o'clock. Smites promises 
 to have the room in order, and I've got Fillyer- 
 glass, the ruling elder, to' go round our work- 
 people to warn them to be there early, and fill 
 the place before big Huistan and his friends can 
 assemble. I'm told that Huistan means mischief; 
 and, do you know. Puncheon, I'm afraid the 
 people generally are rather against us!" 
 
 "Well, then, the more need for action,— the 
 sooner they know our views the better. It will 
 keep a good many of them back. You should 
 send Quaighhorn among them. You laiow they 
 
EAVESDROPHNG. 39 
 
 look up to liim as an elder and a man of piety. 
 They say there's no one in the parish can pray 
 like him." 
 
 "I'll do that by and bye; MaccuUamore is 
 influential, no doubt, but I want him for a special 
 purpose in the meantime. You remember I men- 
 tioned that Poind said we should ascertain the 
 length of the legs f 
 
 " Perfectly." 
 
 " Well, I want Macctdlamore to find that out 
 in the way I told you before. I wish him to go 
 to the meetings at Huistan's, and pretend to be 
 one of themselves ; to sympathise with the pre- 
 sentee, who will, of course, be glad to catch an 
 elder, and, after he has gained his confidence, to 
 persuade him to secure the favour of Eory 
 M'Stitcher, the tailor, by giving him an order for 
 a suit of clothes, not to be paid for in the mean- 
 time, but after his settlement. I have no doubt 
 MaccuUamore will manage it." 
 
 " Capital I And then Rory needn't make the 
 clothes at all f 
 
 " Of course not 1" 
 
 The two worthies were standing close to one 
 of the small public-houses which abound in the 
 village of Porterbier, with their backs to a win- 
 dow, the upper part of which was open. It so 
 
40 EA-VESBUOPHNG. 
 
 happened that Hmstan was withiii, treating an 
 up-country shepherd to a " tram," endeavouring 
 to enhst him in the cause of the presentee, and 
 had succeeded the easier that the shepherd's name 
 figured in one of the pages of his entertainer's 
 account-book with a balance on the wrong side 
 of its columns. 
 
 "Diabhuil! did you'll hear that?" suddenly 
 exclaimed Huistan, striking his large fist upon 
 the table. "Burn their wooden sauls! put a'll 
 play them a plusky. Did you'll know that they 
 hae ca'd a meetin' the nicht in the schuleroom, 
 an' that fallow they ca' Smites has gien it tae 
 them ? A'll smite hitn some o' they dark nichts, 
 a'se warrant, for his impidence, A'll creep nearer 
 the wa'," he cautiously added, "and hear what 
 mair they're aboot." 
 
 So, carrying his bulky frame across the room, 
 he leant his head against the ■v\'indow-shutters, a 
 screen effectually concealing him from view. 
 
 "I'm afraid that fellow Huistan will give us 
 some trouble," said Sheepshanks. A grunt from 
 Huistan. 
 
 " I'm afraid so too," replied the other. 
 
 " We must have the school packed with our 
 people before he can bring up his tail." Another 
 grunt, with a slight shade of the growl. 
 
EAVESDROPPIKG. « 
 
 " Haven't you some law-plea -with him?" 
 
 " I had several, but the beast got the better of 
 me in them all." A grim smile of satisfaction 
 from Huistan. 
 
 "The fellow's as cute as a lawyer, and as 
 litigious as P«ter Peebles. I was successful in a 
 case against him in the Sheriff Court — ^he took it 
 to the Court of Session — swore the Sheriff and I 
 were too thick because he dined pretty often at 
 my house. He beat me in the Court of Session 
 tho', with all expenses." Another grim smile from 
 the listener. 
 
 " I think I know, however, how I can serve him 
 out, in a way he doesn't imagine. I have ascer- 
 tained that he's very anxious to get a piece of the 
 hill ground to the east of h's own land from the 
 proprietor, on a long lease, which would be very 
 handy for him, as he can get no other that would 
 suit liim, and I believe he has nearly concluded a 
 bargain with the factor about it j but I'll see if I 
 can't spoil his little game." 
 
 "Dam Ort!" muttered Huistan, ia a fury. 
 
 He was in the act of rushing out to annihilate 
 the speaker, when the shepherd caught hold of him. 
 
 "Dinna gang oot," he said energetically ; "but 
 ye sud see the laird as sune's y6 can, and nail the 
 pargain." 
 
4a EIVAL TACTICS. 
 
 "A daursay ye re riclit," said Huietan, breath- 
 ing like a blacksmith's bellows; "the wicked 
 ecoim'rel, a'U be upsides wi' him for this !" 
 
 The two worthies outside, hearing the noise of 
 voices, walked slowly away, not suspecting that 
 they had been overheard, least of all by big 
 Huistan. 
 
 It now became a question of tactics between 
 the contending parties. Huistan was fully fore- 
 warned by the tmguardedness of his opponents 
 in talking too close to an open window. He 
 was more than a match for them at anyrate 
 in ingenuity and cunning, and resolved to lose 
 no time in forestalling then* intentions. So, 
 on getting home, he called his faithful hench- 
 man, Donald Frisheal, and told him all that 
 had occurred. He could trust to Donald in 
 anything. 
 
 "Noo, Tonald," he said, "get Hamish, an' 
 Tougal, an' Yachan, an' go roun' in a' direckshims, 
 an' gaither a' oor freens here at seeven o'clock. 
 A'U keep an e'e on the schulemaister, an' set a 
 watch on the ither pairty." 
 
 "Ishpal," he continued, addressing a great, 
 strong-looking, red-haired damsel, "put the big- 
 room in order, an' the muckle kettle on the fire, 
 there'll be something tae brew here the nicht, a 
 
OPERATIONS OP A. GODLY ELDER. 43 
 
 jalouee ; an' tak' oot tliat keg o' Islay in the press, 
 and pit it ben the room." 
 
 " Tarn the fellow I" he muttered, " he wud try 
 to tak' ma lease frae me, wud he f 
 
 " An' Tonald," he quickly .added, " be sure an' 
 tell them a' tae bring their sticks wi' them." 
 
 "Am bheil thu tuigsinn sin?" i.e., "Do you 
 understand that ?" 
 
 Donald gave a comical look, but made no reply. 
 Silence was his most comprehensive answer. 
 
 To do the other party justice, they were not 
 behind hand. That slyest of all godly elders, 
 Alister Fillyerglass, was moving about inde- 
 fatigably mustering supporters. Alister would 
 not, of course, be at home in the House of Com- 
 mons as a whipper-in, but here he was decidedly 
 the right man in the right place. No actor could 
 possibly excel him in the art of turning up the 
 eyes, or in the other outward forms of devotion, 
 although many a poor actor whom the world would 
 consider to be without the pale of the Church, has 
 more true religion in his heart than a hundred 
 FiUyerglasses. 
 
 To some individuals who were unwilling to go 
 to the meeting, Alister would say — " Ye ken the 
 maister '11 nae be pleesed if ye dinna gang ;" and 
 should any one answer, " There'll be plenty there 
 
44 OPERATIONS OF A GODLY ELDEE. 
 
 wantin' me," the ready reply was, " Aweel, aweel, 
 if a' body said that, there wad be nane ava; 
 sae jist pit on yer breachan (plaid), an' come 
 awa'." 
 
 " Man," he would quietly add, if he saw any 
 further hesitation, " A maist forgot that themaister 
 tel't me tae ax ye if they'd gi'en ye ony draff for 
 the beasts?" The plaid was belted and the bonnet 
 donned in a twinkling. 
 
 In this mode did Alister gather together his 
 forces for the approaching meeting. Nor was 
 MaccuUamore Quaighhom idle. He slowly and 
 reverently wended his way towards the hostelry 
 of Huistan M'Huistan, where the presentee was 
 then residing, and, saluting the landlord with 
 one of his blandest smiles, asked if the Rev. Mr. 
 Ochtertyre was in. 
 
 Huistan knew very well what he came about, 
 but he was going to play a deep game of his own, 
 so he looked up with a grim attempt to be pleas- 
 ant — ^it could not be called a smile, for that was, 
 in his case, a facial impossibility. 
 
 " Wad ye like tae see the minister f he asked, 
 in a half surly tone of voice, intended, however, 
 to be pleasant. 
 
 " Weel, a just wud," was the grave reply. 
 
 " A hope ye're to be on oor side f said Huistan. 
 
ON THE TRAIL. 43 
 
 " Weel, a'U no say a'll no. A siid jist like tae 
 hae twa-three words wi' him, and if he satisfies me 
 on ane or twa points o' his last sermon, a think 
 a'll sign the ca'." 
 
 " That's richt," said Huistan, giving him a slap 
 on the back that nearly drove the hypocritical 
 breath out of his ill-conditioned body. " Gang up 
 the stair, and ye'U fin' him in Number 3." 
 
 Maccullamore did as he was told, and for the 
 present we shall leave him. 
 
 At the appointed hour, Huistan had in his big 
 room a gathering of the clans. The whisky 
 flowed fast and free, for there was not much time 
 to lose, and, to make its effects quicker, it was 
 judiciously mixed with the boiling water and 
 sugar which go to form that potent liquor vul- 
 garly called toddy. Huistan seemed determined 
 that, as they were engaged in a church contest, 
 his supporters should not be found wanting in 
 spiritual influence. 
 
 From the memorable day in April, 1661, when, 
 on the re-introduction of episcopacy into Scotland, 
 that exemplary female, Jenny Geddes, threw her 
 stool at the Dean of Edinburgh's head, at a time 
 when, as Sir Walter Scott slily remarks, " there 
 was a free distribution of liquor," the contentions 
 in the kirk of Scotland have been more or less 
 
46 MANCEUVEING. 
 
 affected by the article picturesquely described as 
 "mountain dew." 
 
 Like a skilful strategist, Huistan had sent out 
 his scouts to watch the motions of the enemy, and 
 the proceedings of the schoolmaster, whom he 
 could never forgive for having taken doAvn his 
 eldest son's first pair of -unmentionables — ^he had 
 grown out of his kilt — and flogged him over a 
 form. 
 
 "The beast," Huistan used to say, "he wud 
 ne'er ha'e dune it but tae pleese that rascal Pun- 
 cheon. A had ma ain jalousings when Ian telt 
 me that Tonald Puncheon, the guid-for-naething 
 son o' a wurse faither, aifter he had thrown him 
 doun in a warstle, said that his faither wad gar him 
 get a guid taillyer's nip for his new troosers 1" 
 
 The schoolhouse was within eyeshot of a small 
 room which Huistan kept for himself, and which 
 might appropriately have been called the lion's 
 den. There he sat, an impersonation of the 
 ferocity of the latter, and the watchfalness of 
 another and smaller animal said by natiuralists 
 to belong to the same race. 
 
 Huistan's quick eye detected the apparition of 
 Smites as it flitted past the window. He was a 
 cunning fellow, Smites. Instead of going along 
 on the opposite side as he usually did, where he 
 
THE SOHOOLHOUSE STORMED. 47 
 
 would infallibly have been seen, lie took the 
 coui'se of a waiy Pawnee — ^he moved up stream, 
 and then stealthily dropped down upon the side 
 of his enemies, rightly supposing that they would 
 be looking with eager eyes for his paddling down 
 the other. 
 
 "Ugh!" exclaimed Huistan, with a grunt sug- 
 gestive of Chingachgook, " t'ere's ta prute ! " 
 
 " Ishpal," he said, addressing his carroty haired 
 maid of all work, " tell them tae pe ready — the 
 Bchulemaister's awa' bye the noo." 
 
 At this moment a messenger arrived in hot 
 haste from the opposite quarter of the village, 
 saying that the enemy were approaching. 
 
 "Hoo far are they awa'? " Huistan quietly asked, 
 
 "They're jist doon at Jock M'Groggy's" — the 
 landlord of the rival "Inns," as it was called — 
 "put they're a' tukeing a tram," significantly 
 gasped out the exhausted Mercury. 
 
 "Ay, ay," said Huistan, with something like 
 the confidence which must have possessed Wel- 
 lington when he exclaimed at Waterloo, " Up, 
 Guards! and at them." He gave one glance, 
 however, towards the schoolhouse. He observed 
 Smites at the door with the keys in his hand, 
 who, casting a furtive look behind, but seeing his 
 friends at no great distance, and nobody coming 
 
48 THE SCHOOLHOUSE STORMED. 
 
 from the direction of Huistan's establisliment, 
 quickly opened the door and entered, sending a 
 boy to hasten on the procrastinating dram 
 driiikers. 
 
 Smites, not expecting the coup that was in- 
 tended, was making some little arrangements 
 within, when, the light from the door being sud- 
 denly darkened, he looked up, and beheld with 
 dismay the bulky frame of Huistan, with a crowd 
 of caterans at liis back. The chief and his 
 followers quickly and quietly seated themselves. 
 
 Not a voice was heard, not a -warning note, 
 As his course to the benches he hurried, 
 
 Not a gillie mistook the order he got. 
 As he walked to his seat unflurried. 
 
 The other party were completely taken by surpi-ise 
 when they found on their arrival that the school- 
 house was almost entirely in possession of the 
 foe. They observed, too, with alarm, that almost 
 every man had in his hand what an L-ishman 
 delights to call "an iligant bit av an oaken 
 towel." The place was, however, soon filled, and 
 some time afterwards the proceedings began. 
 
CHAPTER IV. 
 
 SCENES AT A PARISH MEETING— SIGNAL DEFEAT OF THE 
 OBJECTORS — AN ELDER TRYING TO DRAW A MINISTER'S LEG 
 — ^HYPOCRISY versus SIMPLICITY. 
 
 TTTE left the meeting ready to proceed to busi- 
 ness. There was a platform, but no 
 occupants. Nobody seemed to take any charge 
 of the proceedings. There was apparently neither 
 a leader nor a programme. The schoolmaster 
 had disappeared. A broad grin was visible on 
 Huistan's face, who felt himself master of the 
 situation. 
 
 It was considerably past eight o'clock, and 
 some of the people who had been so judiciously 
 herded by Fillyerglass began to wonder why or 
 how they had come there. They were conscious 
 of having been earnestly pressed to be present, 
 and knew that they had not got so many "trams" 
 for nothing, not to speak of their prospects of draff! 
 
 Huistan was just rising to his feet to make a 
 motion, with the confidence of a parliamentary 
 leader after the Whip of his party has intimated 
 that it is safe to go to a division, when the rattle 
 
So SCENES AT A PARISH MEETliTCT. 
 
 of wheels and the clattering of hoofs were heard. 
 Suddenly the sinister face of Smites appeared at 
 the door with a triumphant look, which, however, 
 by no means disconcerted Huistan, 
 
 Sheepshanks, Puncheon, Stirk, Porter, and their 
 leading supporters, now entered, accompanied 
 by some ladies, escorted by the Eev. Mr. Sneaker. 
 They paused for a moment, and looked confiised. 
 Something evidently was wrong. 
 
 "Mak' wey for ta leddies and shentlemans," 
 cried the officious Fillyerglass. 
 
 "Stop a moment," said Sheepshanks, with 
 admirable coolness, " yoti haven't got enough of 
 candles, and you will requu-e more chaii's. We 
 will go and get some for you." 
 
 " I say," whispered he to Puncheon, "just come 
 out here for a moment, will you V 
 
 They stepped out — 
 
 "How the deuce has this happened? Why 
 that ruffian, Huistan, has completely taken the 
 Avind out of om- sails. Confound it, this is a serious 
 job I I see he has got the meeting packed with 
 his own party. What are we to do ?"' 
 
 "Blessed if I know," said the other, "send for 
 more men, I suppose." 
 
 " But, bother it, if they were here there's no 
 room for them I" 
 
SCENES AT A PARISH MEETING. 51 
 
 " Well, but they could make a noise outside, 
 and we might easily say in the newspapers that 
 the place could not hold all those who were un- 
 favourable to the presentee." 
 
 "No doubt, as matters stand, that would be 
 quite true; but if it were to be known that it was 
 filled with people who were all in his favour, 
 what then?" 
 
 A dubious shake of the head was the only 
 answer. 
 
 " But you know, Puncheon, we must do some- 
 thing." 
 
 " Of course," replied the otheri 
 
 " Well, I would recommend you to Send for as 
 many men as possible, and, in the meantune, we 
 can go on, so as to keep matters moving, till they 
 come ; and they should bring sticks with them, 
 for Huistan and his party have all bludgeons, 
 and I fear there will be a row." 
 
 " Good gracious 1 do you think so 1 " 
 
 «I do." 
 
 " Then, by Jove, I won't take the chair as I 
 had intended. Will you 1 " 
 
 "Noj thank you." 
 
 " Then, what on earth's to be doUe ? " 
 
 "Why, I think Sthk will take its He dosen't 
 eare about a scrimmage or a broken head, and 
 
52 SCENES AT A PARISH MEETING. 
 
 appears to feel proud of his cranium in proportion 
 to the number of cracks in it, as some people 
 prize their china more highly the more it is 
 clasped or cemented." 
 
 "But he's like the Mayor who spoke before 
 King George — ' a bad hand at a speech.' " 
 
 " We'll try Porter." 
 
 " Oh ! no, that would never do." 
 
 " Then, we riiust just take Stirk. Call him out 
 for any sake, and let us go to work." 
 
 Stirk was called out, and instructed as rapidly 
 as possible. When he was sufficiently primed 
 with directions — ^he had been so before with some- 
 thing else — they re-entered the schoolroom, and 
 mounted the platform. Sneaker and the ladies 
 being accommodated with seats in the area. 
 Stirk, having taken the chair, went to work at 
 once. 
 
 "Ladies an' gentlemen," he began, "A'm no 
 good at speaking " — 
 
 "No," grumbled Huistan, "ye're better at drov- 
 ing." 
 
 " Wha's that making a noise 1 " called out Stirk. 
 
 " It's me speaking tae mysel'," said Huistan. 
 
 " Oh I that's you, is it? ye'd better keep a civil 
 tongue in yer head." 
 
 " We'll see aboot that," was the reply. 
 
SCENES AT A PARISH MEETING. 63 
 
 Stii-k resumed — "The minister's deed, an' we'll 
 need anither in's place, an' a'U jist read a paper 
 that's in ma haim, that says we require a young, 
 vigorous, an' energetic minister." 
 
 Stirb, no doubt unconsciously, turned his eyes 
 towards the group where the youthful Sneaker, 
 with a spotless white tie, was seated beside the 
 fair Flora Letitia M'Corkscrew. By a simultaneous 
 movement the eyes of the whole audience turned 
 in the same direction, to the confusion of the 
 amiable pair, who, with downcast eyes, looked as 
 modest as if they were already at the altar. 
 Before an impatient gesture from Puncheon could 
 recall Stirk to his duty, Huistan's sonorous voice 
 was heard asking, "D'ye want him tae mairry 
 onybody in the pairish'?" 
 
 Here a scene of dire confusion ensued. The 
 blushing Flora glanced tenderly at Sneaker, but 
 he, like most men in such circumstances, failed in 
 courage, and knew not exactly where to look, 
 although his aunt, the postmistress, nudged him, 
 and poking his ribs, whispered, "Hand up yer 
 heed like a man." 
 
 "Huistan M'Huistan, ye drucken auld fule," 
 roared out Stirk, " if you'll stop me again a'U kick 
 you oot o' the meetin'." 
 
 " Ha, ha I" grunted Huistan ; " Man, a wud thraw 
 
54 FISTICUFFS. 
 
 tlie neck o' ye afore ye ctid say ' Jake Robison !' 
 Ye're weel named — ^ye're naething but a hielan' 
 stirk. A hae seen some o' yer ain beasts better 
 lookin', an' \n' mair brains than ye hae. You a 
 chaii-man ! Lord help us I They may ca' ye a 
 chairman if they mean that yer heed's made o' the 
 same stuff that ye're sittin' on 1" 
 
 Here the uproar became general. Stirk was in 
 the act of springing from the platform, but was 
 prevented by his friends. 
 
 Having cooled down at last, he said — "Ladies an' 
 gentlemen, this conduct's disgraceful, an' a' I hae 
 to say is, that Mr. Ochtertyre's no fit for this pairish." 
 
 So saying, he resumed his seat. 
 
 Huistan rose almost immediately, and said — "/ 
 say that he is fit, an' he ocht tae be oor minister, 
 an' every ane wha thinks sae, staim up." 
 
 Almost the whole meeting rose. 
 
 " Noi|3( said Huistan, looking round triumphantly, 
 " I say that Mr. Ochtertyre's cairried as the minister 
 o' this pairish," and sat down. 
 
 " I say that too," cried one of his supporters. 
 
 Stirk, boiling with rage, and addressing the 
 last speaker, bellowed out, " Tonald Campbell 1 it 
 wad pe far petter for you tae gang hame an' look 
 aifter yer pastard weans !" 
 
 " Tarn you!" roared out Donald, " if you'll tould 
 
BKAVO ! HIGHLANDERS. 55 
 
 me that again a'U knock your prains intil your 
 pelly in twa minutes or thirty I" and, without 
 giving the ii'ate Stirk time to repeat the obnoxious 
 admonition, he rushed upon the platform and 
 seized him by the throat. 
 
 The scene that ensued is indescribable. Candles 
 went out ; females screamed ; men grappled with 
 each other, and cursed and swore in unexception- 
 able Gaelic, but in very indifferent English. 
 People found themselves outside without very 
 well knowiag how they got there, but in many 
 cases minus a coat-tail or a hat. Donald Campbell 
 appeared with the breast of Stirk's shirt as a 
 trophy. The ladies, somehow, got away safely 
 along with Sneaker. It was time they did so, 
 for a desperate fight commenced outside of the 
 schoolhouse, the re-inforcement, armed with sticks, 
 sent for by the conclave, having by this time 
 arrived. They were, however, completely routed 
 in the end by Huistan and his forces, who, after 
 the battle, marched to the " Inns " to the sound 
 of the bagpipes, amidst deafening hurrahs. As 
 Huistan took his seat in the large arm-chair, he 
 looked the hcau idial of a warrior returned from 
 the field of victory. 
 
 Thus ended the fii-st actixal encounter between 
 the contending parties. 
 
C6 PIOUS MISSION OF ME,. QUAIGHHORN. 
 
 We left the estimable Quaighhorn about to 
 enter room No. 3 of Huistan's establishment. On 
 being admitted and introducing himself, he made 
 one of his lowest and most reverential genuflec- 
 tions. Going up to the reverend gentleman, and 
 taking both his hands and pressing them "warmly, 
 he said, with affecting solemnity, " Oh I Mr. 
 Ochtertyre, a hope ye're weel in health and in 
 the Lord I A hae been sair trotibled in ma con- 
 science since yer last sermon, an' wud like tae 
 hear some words o' comfort — ^we hae nae minister 
 noo," he sorrowfully ejaculated. 
 
 " Well, Mr. Quaighhorn, I'm glad to see you, 
 and if I can relieve your mind of any bm-den, it 
 will not only be my duty, but it ■will afford me 
 great pleasiu-e to do so, — sit down." 
 
 " Oh, Sir ! but we micht first join in prayer ; it's 
 a sweet preparation for every wark." 
 
 Accordingly, after an impressive prayer by the 
 reverend gentleman, dming which the sobs and 
 groans of Quaighhorn were frequent and loud, 
 the conversation was resumed. 
 
 " What troubled me," he said, " was the words 
 o' yer last text,"— Matthew, 24th chapter, and 
 22nd verse,—" And except those days should be 
 shortened, there should no flesh be saved; but for 
 the elect's sake those days shall be shortened." 
 
HYPOCRISY i^£/isas SIMPUCITY. 
 
PIOUS MISSION OF MR. QUAIGHHORN. 57 
 
 "Alister Fillyerglass, the ither elder, an' 
 mysel'," he continued, " had a serious talk aboot 
 the discoorse, whan he said that yer meaning was 
 that God had elected some tae everlasting life, 
 an' that nane except the elect could be saved, an' 
 that unless we feelt in oor hearts that we were 
 elected, we wud a' gae tae hell." 
 
 " No ! no ! no I my good man, that was not my 
 meaning. If you will consider the text, you will 
 easily see what I meant — ^what I said was, that for 
 the sake of the righteous, God will spare even the 
 wicked. You might have seen, from the illustra- 
 tion I gave of the destruction of Sodom and 
 Gomorrah, as shown in the 18th and 19th chapters 
 of Genesis, that I could mean nothing else. Had 
 there been ten righteous men found there, these 
 places would not have been destroyed. In the 
 chapter of Matthew from which I took my text, 
 Christ foretold the destruction of the Temple and 
 the calamities that were to follow, but the days of 
 tribulation were to be shortened for the sake of 
 the righteous. This, you will see, is just a repeti- 
 tion of God's declaration to Abraham with regard 
 to Sodom." 
 
 "Then you don't think that Alister's richtf 
 
 " Certainly not. You know what is said in the 
 1st chapter and 18th verse of Isaiah, 'Though 
 
38 CONPABULATIO EELIGIONIS EKGO. 
 
 yoiu- sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as 
 snow ;' and then there is that beauti&l verse, the 
 17th of the last chapter of Revelation, which I 
 was just reading when yon came in : ' And the 
 Spu'it and the Bride say, Come. And let him that 
 is athirst come. And whosoever will, let him take 
 of the water of life freely.' I need not refer you 
 to other passages. These ought to satisfy you — 
 
 ' For while the lamp holds on to burn, 
 The greatest smner may return.' " 
 
 " Oh ! but thae words are precious, Mr. Ochter- 
 tyi'e. A'm feared, a'm feared, a'm a geat sinner !" 
 piously ejaculated MaccuUamore. "A hae dreedfu' 
 thochts sometimes: Satan has been sail* temptin' 
 me o' late. D'ye ken," he added, with an ad- 
 mu-able look of horror, "he's been tryin' hard 
 tae pit it in ma heed that there's nae God at a' ! 
 that a' things are but the effec' o' chance 1 an' that 
 there's nae hereaifter ava !"' 
 
 " Really, Mr. Quaighhorn, I'm soiTy to hear that 
 such doubts should enter yom- mind." 
 
 " Oh ! they haena entered it jist yet," quickly 
 replied the elder, thinking he had gone too far, 
 " they're only knocking at the door the noo. A'm 
 battlin' sair wi' them ; but a couldna rest till a telt 
 ye o' the attacts o' the great enemy o' souls." 
 
 "Quite right, Mr. Quaiglahorn; I'm very well 
 
CONFABULATIO EELIGIONIS ERGO. 59 
 
 pleased that you should be so candid. God help 
 Its ! the best of us, if there ai-e any indeed who 
 can be truly called so, are not free from the 
 whisperings of the evil one. But how did yom- 
 thoughts happen to run into this channel? 
 Judging from myself, I find that there are some 
 special influences to which I can generally trace 
 the origin of such views." 
 
 " Aweel, a fear," said Maccullamore, " a'm verra 
 mucHe tae blame mysel'. A was deteened ower 
 the Sabbath aboot a month ago in Glasgae, an' 
 instead o' gaein tae the kirk as a ocht tae hae 
 dune, a verra foolishly gaed tae hear a Contro- 
 versy in ane o' the ha's there, on the subj^t o' 
 the existence o' God. A had heerd a great deal 
 aboot thae Controversies, an' the thocht jist cam' 
 ower me that as a wudna likely hae the chance 
 again, a micht jist as weel tak' it noo. It was 
 jist a wicked invention o' the enemy, Mr. Ochter- 
 tyre ; a see't a' noo, but it was a' dune for the 
 best." 
 
 " It was a great pity, Mr. Quaighhorn, that you 
 went. It's just another instance of the saying, 
 that evil commimications corrupt good morals." 
 
 " Jist as ye say, Mr. Ochtertyre ; a' heerd sae 
 muckle blasphemy frae ane o' the speakers, that 
 it washed clean awa a' the guid that was spoken 
 
60 CONFABULATIO RELIGIONIS EEGO. 
 
 by the ithers, an' it comes a' back on me again 
 an' again, an' railly maist overpooers me at 
 times." 
 
 " Well, Mr. QuaigUiorn, I sympathise Tvith you 
 very much, for I once was just as foolish as yom^ 
 self, -when a young man, in going to hear one of 
 these Controversies upon the very same subject, 
 and to tell you the truth, I never was any the 
 better for it. I thank God, however, that I 
 escaped its contaminating influence. I was just 
 like you, I could not rest for many a night after- 
 wards, but I prayed earnestly to God for faith and 
 light, and they were vouchsafed to me. I re- 
 lieved my overburdened mind by pouring out my 
 thoughts in poetry, which I then cultivated iu 
 secret. I will repeat the verses to you if you 
 like." 
 
 "Oh! A'U be maist happy tae hear onytlung 
 that could bring me comfort, Mr. Ochtertyi-e." 
 
 " Well, I don't know that they can do that. 
 You must go to a higher source than my poor 
 effusions for the comfort you need, Mr. Quaigh- 
 horn; but it would be a pity if the arrows shot 
 from the devil's bow should alone be certain to 
 go to the bull's eye." Mr. Ochtertyre then re- 
 peated in a slow and solemn voice, the following 
 lines, entitled — 
 
SOME SACRED POETRY. 61 
 
 GOD OR CHANCE. 
 
 Father of men! earth's founder! mighty God! 
 
 Creator of the universal world ! 
 
 To Thee we offer up our fervent praise ; 
 
 To Thee we look for aid, for faith, and grace ; 
 
 To Thee we come on bended knee to pray. — 
 
 What though the hardened sceptic scouts Tliy power, 
 
 And laughs to scorn the trust we place in Thee ; 
 
 Shall we forget Thee? shall we yield our hopes 
 
 To withered sophistry or deadened faith ? 
 
 Can we believe that Thou art but the myth 
 
 Of fevered or enthusiastic brains ? 
 
 O God ! we see Thee not as Thou art seen — 
 
 We hear Thee not as angels hear Thy voice : 
 
 But we behold Thee in the clear blue sky, 
 
 Which showers Thy blessings on this nether world. 
 
 We see Thine anger in the gathering storm. 
 
 We hear Thy warning in the thunder's roar. 
 
 All nature speaks Thy voice and sounds Thy praise; 
 
 'Tis man — vain man, alone — who dares to doubt. 
 
 To doubt? O Father, blast him not, 
 
 While glibly, with irreverent logic, he 
 
 Pours forth his blasphemy to mortal ears. 
 
 Proud infidel — philosopher — who gave thee mind, 
 
 That intellect which rears its haughty head 
 
 Above Creation's cause, to find it hid 
 
 In darkness deeper than the darkest night? 
 
 Thou sayest 'tis Chance — ^there is no God at all ; 
 
 He hears us not, nor sees vis here below ; 
 
 We see Him not — no man hath ever seen— 
 
62 SOME SACRED POETRlT. 
 
 We live— we die— and are for ever gone ! 
 Poor child of circumstance— benighted being! 
 How canst thou reason thus against thy God? 
 But tell me, What is Chance ? " "Tis nature's accident !" 
 And virhat is nature ? " The accident of chance !"' 
 Vam sophist! can thy mortal frame, 
 With all its wondrous parts so fitly made, 
 Can thy immortal soul— how low it soara ! 
 Belong to chance ? Do all created things- 
 Earth, sea, and sky— those lustrous twinkling stai-s 
 Set in the robe of night— that silvery moon 
 Which, brooch-like, clasps it on her throbbing breast- 
 Does that bright sun in yonder golden sea, 
 For ever burning with the warmth of God — 
 Those countless forms of earth and sea — 
 Those denizens of air? — Speak! 
 Are these the accidents of Nature's whim— 
 The unpremeditated brood of Chance ? 
 And could one Chance hatch such dissimilar things ? 
 Or are there then chances innumerable ? 
 Is Nature but a vast congeries 
 Of strange and independent chances? 
 Poor doubting mortal! why so far remote 
 From earth's Almighty Maker dost thou stray? 
 Why close thine eyes to Heaven's own glorious light, 
 And fix them on a dark abyss below? 
 Lo ! Chance is but some hideous night-bird's nest, 
 For ever tossed on chaos' slimy sea- 
 Shoreless, dark, uufathomably deep. 
 Silent and beaconless as Jron black murderous beachj 
 At midnight's hour, where sea-birds fear to screech— 
 
A. SNAKE IN THE GRASS. 6S 
 
 Like some bold watchman of the lonesome night, 
 
 Thou stand'st before a yawning alley, deep, 
 
 Endless as dread eternity, and black as hell. 
 
 Proud Reason : thy dark lantern strives to pierce 
 
 The overwhelming darkness with its glance. 
 
 In vain, proud man ! thou canst not throw one ray 
 
 Through that dark lane of black impervious gloom ; 
 
 But with the glorious lamp which Jesus lit, 
 
 We see beyond the dark unfathomed pit, 
 
 Wherein thy vain philosophy for ever sinks ; 
 
 For Faith and Hope stretch wire-like up to Heaven, 
 
 Where Christ has joined them to His Father's throne ; 
 
 On these we trust, by them we learn to pray, 
 
 And telegraph our soul's desires to God ! 
 
 Thus did the good man, for he really was so, 
 endeavour to remove the affected doubts of the 
 aiTant hypocrite before him. With the simplicity 
 of a child, he trusted everybody; and although he 
 had more than once suffered for his credulity, his 
 simple faith was as strong as ever. In a district 
 almost as wild as Tipperary, in which he now foimd 
 himself, he was just the sort of man to have at 
 once, if left unsupported, succumbed to the oppo- 
 sition got up against him by wily and unscrupulous 
 enemies. 
 
 After having professed to be immeasurably 
 comforted by the " imco Scriptural-poetry," as he 
 termed it, Quaighhorn, with the humility and low 
 
61 A SKAKE IN THE GKASS. 
 
 cunning of the class to "wliich he belonged, now 
 proceeded to the object of his mission, — 
 
 "Ye hae greatly relieved ma mind, sir," he 
 ■whimpered out, "an' a'll be gled tae sit under 
 ye an' hear sic words o' comfort ; but a'm verra 
 sorry tae hear," he added with a sigh, "that 
 ill-disposed folk are trying tae oppose yer settle- 
 ment." 
 
 "A railly think," he continued in the same 
 strain, "ye sud show yersel' mair amang the 
 people. Ye ken," he added, knowingly, " in this 
 warld we hae mony enemies, an' it behoves us a' 
 tae watch an' spoil their wicked plans. Ye ken 
 St. Paul says, in the Corinthians, 'AH things are 
 lawful to me, but all things are not expedient,' 
 Noo, a think it's baith lawfu' an' expedient for ye 
 tae defend yersel' an' uise the means. Ye see, 
 we're a' commandit tae uise the means; an' ye 
 ocht tae tak' means tae meet an' prevent the 
 doings o' the ither pairty. Ye'U ken better nor 
 me," he added, " what's said in the Ecclesiastes, 
 ' "Whatsoever thy hand findeth to do, do it with 
 all thy might,' " 
 
 To do him Justice, Quaighhorn was well 
 acquainted with Scripture; and, like the Devil, 
 could quote it freely to suit his purpose. 
 
 Resuming his argument, he said, emphatically, 
 
A SNAKE IN THE GEASS. 65 
 
 " It's ma belief the folk wad be .wi' ye if ye gaed 
 mair amang them." 
 
 " I'm afraid, Mr. Quaighhom, meekly answered 
 the minister, " that would not be proper in the 
 position in which I am placed at present, and that 
 it would just be made an objection against me if 
 I were to do so." 
 
 " Naething o' the kind," replied the elder ; but 
 feeling that he had perhaps gone too far, he added, 
 " If ye think sae, that's no' tae hinder ithers tae 
 gang roun' an' dae what they can." 
 
 ' " Oh I of course not. My friends may do so, 
 but I dare not myself." 
 
 " Weel, there's jist ae thing a think ye micht 
 dae," began the cunning rogue, having brought 
 matters to the point he was aiming at. " Kory 
 M'Stitcher, the taillyer, has mair tae say till the 
 people nor even me or Alister Fillyerglass, 
 although we're baith elders, which a sorely 
 lament," he added, with a heavy sigh. "He's 
 reckoned a great scholard, an' he baith mak's 
 their claes an' writes their letters, an' they meet 
 every ither nicht in his hoose an' crack ower the 
 affairs o' the State an' the pairish." 
 
 "Noo," he added, slily, "a think Rory's in- 
 clined tae be in yer favours, at least, sae a heerd, 
 an' it jist cam' intil ma heed the noo that ye micht 
 
68 ^ A SNAKE IN THE ORASS. 
 
 maybe need a shuit o' claes," He looked signifi- 
 cantly at the rusty black coat of the presentee as 
 he spoke. 
 
 Alas ! all married men cannot sport the glossy 
 woaded blacks of the unique Webster, which 
 usually adorn the backs of youthful Sneakers. 
 
 "An'," he repeated, "it jist cam intil ma heed 
 the noo " 
 
 "0, the liar!" muttered Huistan, who had 
 been listening all the time at the door. 
 
 " That if ye ordered a new shuit frae Rory — 
 that is, of coorse, if ye were needin' them, ye ken 
 — ^it wad dae mair tae keep the people in yer 
 favour nor onythihg else, for Rory wad be wee) 
 pleesed tae hae the nialdn' o' a shuit o' claes for a 
 minister; for, dae ye ken, Mr. M'Corkscrew, the 
 decent man, aye gat his claes frae Enibro', and 
 Rory uised aften tae thi-eeten tae heave the great 
 lang muckle traiveller man that cam' roun' for 
 orders ower the steamboat quay some dark nicht. 
 when he was on his wey tae the boat." 
 
 " An'," added the rascal in a diffident tone, as 
 if afraid of giving oifence, " as we're a' sae keen 
 tae hae ye as oor minister, an' it's as muckle — or 
 maybe mair — for oor guid as yer ain, we wudna 
 aloo ye tae pey for the claes the noo. We 
 wad dae't oorsells ; but whan ance ye were 
 
A SNAKE IN THE GEASS, 67 
 
 Bettled in the pairish, ye could pey them whan 
 ye liket." 
 
 The Devil is a skilful tempter. He knows his 
 time and bides it, pressing us most when we are 
 most tmfortunate, like a coward hitting us hardest 
 when we are down. 
 
 Mr. Ochtertyre was not exactly in misfortune, 
 but he was far from being in what it is usual to 
 call easy circumstances. He at once said — "Well, 
 Mr. Quaighhorn, I am very much obliged by your 
 kindness. I do certainly require a suit of black 
 clothes, and I had intended to bring one with me 
 when I came here, but the Presbytery fixed a 
 much earlier day than I expected, and I had to 
 leave as I was. Since I shall have to stay here 
 for some weeks, and to preach probably more 
 than once in other parishes before I leave, I have 
 no objection to give Mr. M'Stitcher an order for 
 clothes; but I cannot allow any one to pay them 
 for me." 
 
 "Aweel, aweel, a jist thocht sae," was the 
 hypocritical reply. 
 
 " An' whan wud ye hae yer measure ta'en?" he 
 eagerly enquired, " for a wud like tae tell Rory aa 
 sune's possible." 
 
 " I really cannot say just now, but I shall let 
 him know." 
 
63 THE SNAKE SKEAKS OFF. 
 
 " Ven-a weel," meekly replied the old.scoundrel. 
 " Giiid nicht, and may the Lord be wi' ye." So, 
 making a low obeisance, he slowly left the apart- 
 ment. 
 
CHAP TEE V. 
 
 huistan's plans for a retaliation— direful effects of a 
 debauch— a tailor and an elder soused in a duck-pond 
 — mr. porter's dinner party— sketch of mr. sharper 
 poind, writer, glasgow. 
 
 T>EFORE Quaighhorn got to the door, Huistan 
 had made tracks for a room close to the 
 stairhead, and, as the passage was dark, his first 
 impulse was . to kick the unscrupulous elder from 
 the top to the bottom ; but thoughts of a more 
 effective revenge suddenly checked him, and he 
 suffered the rogue to depart. After his exit, he 
 gently tapped at No. 3, and on entering and 
 saluting his guest, he quietly observed — " So ye'd 
 a visit o' ane o' oor elders, Mr. Ochtertyre ? " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " What d'ye think o' him f ' 
 
 " He seems to be a very worthy man— of a God- 
 fearing disposition." 
 
 " Aweel, Mr. Ochtertyre, ye may be richt, but 
 the only disposition a e'er kent him tae hae was a 
 verra strong ane tae cheat !" 
 
 " You shock me, Mr. M'Huistan, I can hardly 
 believe that." 
 
70 LEX TALIONIS. 
 
 " It's ower true, tho'," replied Hnistan. " A'm 
 as far seein' as maist o' folk here awa, put he's 
 cheated me twice — ance in a pargain o' stots, an' 
 anither time wi' tups. Ye may be sure he's come 
 here for nae guid." 
 
 " What was he sayin' tae ye, if it's a fair ques- 
 tion f Of coui'se, Huistan did not like to own 
 that he had been listening. 
 
 Having been told the substance of what we 
 have ah-eady related, he at once said — 
 
 "Mr, Ochtertyre, he's been sent here by the 
 ither party tae draw ye intil a snare." 
 
 "Do you really think so?" was the startled 
 enquiry, 
 
 " A dae that, an' a hae verra guid reason for 
 kennin't tae be true ; but there's nae uise sayin' 
 ony mair aboot it the noo. Leave them tae me, 
 an' a'se warrant a'U sort them." 
 
 "Very well, Mr. M'Huistan, I'll rely, at all 
 events, upon your not getting me into any 
 unpleasant position." 
 
 After leaving Mr. Ochtertyro, Quaighhorn, 
 rubbing his hands with delight at the success of 
 his mission, and having in his eye a substantial 
 recompense for his services, went straight to a 
 meeting of his employers, which was to be held at 
 M'Groggy's, and there reported progress. 
 
LEX TALIONIS. 51 
 
 " By Jove ! you managed that well, Macculla- 
 more," said Sheepshanks, chuckling. " We won't 
 forget you for this." 
 
 "Oh! dinna speak aboot that, Mr. Sheep- 
 shanks. A wad dae mair nor that for yer faither's 
 son ony day for naething." 
 
 " We can't expect that," said Puncheon. 
 
 "Weel, weel, if ye think sae, gentlemen, a 
 maim jist lea the reward tae yersels," said the 
 wily elder, thinking it as well to nail the offer. 
 
 "But you must see Rory, and arrange with 
 him at once," observed Puncheon. 
 
 " A hae seen him already, an' a's richt." 
 
 " You should get it done without any delay," 
 said the impatient Stirk. 
 
 "Canny, canny,"- replied Quaighhom, "ower 
 muckle haste micht spoil a'. We maun wait for 
 a day or sae tae see if he sends for Rory voluntar 
 like, ye ken. If no, a think a'U gi'e him anither 
 ca' alang wi' the taillyer. A'm feared for that big 
 rascal, Huistan M'Huistan, but a dinna think he's 
 ony jalousiags." 
 
 Huistan, on his part, was revolving in his mind 
 how he could most effectually, and, at the same 
 time, most safely punish the vile instruments of 
 the imscrupulous plotters. At last he seemed to 
 hit upon a brilliant idea, for he began to chuckle 
 
72 LEX TALIONIS. 
 
 to such an extent that his mighty sides heaved 
 ■with something like the motion produced by the 
 artificial sea one sometimes witnesses upon the 
 boards of minor theatres. 
 
 " Tonald I" he called out, after he had nearly 
 got over his cachinnatory fit, but with tears of 
 laughter coursing down liis rugged cheeks. 
 "Tonald, I say. Gang ower an' tell Rory the 
 taillyer, an' Quaighhorn the elder, that Mr. Ochter- 
 tyre wad like tae see them the nicht, at acht 
 o'clock." 
 
 " Ay, ay," said Donald, wondering what was up. 
 
 He was not long in delivering his message, nor 
 were the two worthies slow in putting in an 
 appearance. Punctual to a minute they arrived, 
 one being provided with his professional tape line 
 and book of measurements. 
 
 " Fine nicht," said Huistan, as graciously as he 
 was able. 
 
 " It's a ven-a fine nicht, indeed, Mr. M'Huistan; 
 A hope a see you weel," replied the tailor, with 
 all the politeness of a country snip. 
 
 "Ye'll be wantin' tae see Mr Ochtertyre, a 
 reckon?" said Huistan. "He telt me he was 
 expeckin' ye. He gaed oot for a walk, but a'm 
 looMn' for him every minute. Jist stap awa ben 
 tae ma room, an' a'U be wi' ye in a jiffey." 
 
ROEY M'STITCHEE. 73 
 
 " Huistan's unco' weel pleesed tlie niclit," said 
 the tailor, addressing his companion on reaching 
 the landlord's sanctum. 
 
 " Oh ! a ken the reason o' that," replied Quaigh- 
 horn, smiling. " Mr. Ochtertyre '11 hae telt him 
 that he's converted me in his favour, an' Huistan 
 wants tae keep ia wi' us, d'ye no see f 
 
 " D'ye think sae ?" said the tailor, incredulously. 
 
 " Nae doot o't," answered the elder ; " Huistan 
 disna for ordnar look pleesant for naething." 
 
 "Weel, maybe. A ken brawly he'll gae ony 
 length tae serve a freen." 
 
 " Ay, an' tae hurt an enemy ; but ye see he 
 looks on us as freens, an' a wadna ■wunner noo 
 tho' he brocht ben his bottle." 
 
 " They tell me he keeps guid stuff," said the 
 tailor, " for his cronies, but a ne'er gat a drap oot 
 o's bottle. A wudna objec tae a guid cocker the 
 noo, for a feel kind o' weakly aboot the heart." 
 
 By and bye Huistan made his appearance, with 
 a huge demijohn ia one hand, and a basket with 
 bread and cheese in the other. 
 
 Quaighhorn gave a knowing look at the tailor, 
 as much as to say, " D'ye no see a was richt f 
 
 Huistan knew his men thoroughly. Both were 
 very fond of good liquor when they could get it 
 for nothing, and Huistan's whisky was not of the 
 
74 ROEY M'STITCHEB. 
 
 kind called "Kill the carter;" whatever killing 
 qualities it had were derived from a genuine 
 barley kiln, as the two visitors very well knew 
 from report at least, if not from personal experi- 
 ence. 
 
 After putting down the whisky bottle and 
 several glasses of rather a portentous size (such a 
 thing as mixing cold water with spirits is unknown 
 in Porterbier), Huistan said briskly, " Noo, here's 
 some stuff o' the richt sort. A'm rale gled that 
 ye're cuming roun' tae oor side. Tak' aif yer 
 drams." 
 
 The tailor at first could hardly realize this, to 
 him, unexpected and unbounded liberality, and 
 had he been learned enough he would probably 
 have called to mind a classical allusion implying 
 serious doubts as to the sincerity of certain ancient 
 individuals, even when making presents ; but he 
 could not resist the strong cravings of an inclin- 
 ation, whetted by the hearty smack of satisfaction 
 with which Quaighhorn signified that he had tossed 
 off his biunper ; and the knight of the thimble, as 
 was natural to one of his cloth, immediately fol- 
 lowed suit. 
 
 " Noo," said Huistan, " jist rest ye awee till the 
 minister comes. A maun look aifter some bizziness, 
 but a'll be back in a while, Jist help yersels. It's 
 
COOKINR TUriD Knn^w 
 
RORY M 'STITCHER. 75 
 
 nae verra aften ye'U get a soup o' whusky like 
 that." 
 
 So saying, he left the worthy pair to themselves. 
 
 " Weel, that beats a' I" said the tailor. " Man, 
 it's rale poorfti' stuff that. A doot there's nae 
 muckle water there." 
 
 " Deil a drap !" said the delighted Quaighhom, 
 helping himself to another rummer. 
 
 " Fill yer glaiss, Rory. We may as weel weet 
 oor whistles wi't the noo, as we'll no likely see't 
 lang." 
 
 Huistan knew well that his two guests would 
 not be slow to help themselves, and with the 
 amiable intention of assisting them as much as 
 possible, he had poured into the demijohn the 
 very strongest whisky that came from the dis- 
 tillery, so strong indeed, that he could not face it 
 himself. It was indeed hardly fit to be drunk 
 without having been previously reduced. 
 
 The elder and his friend were pretty well 
 seasoned casks, but they were not proof against 
 a liquor which was so much over-proof as the 
 potent spirit then before them. Its age, too, dis- 
 guised its power, by giving it a pleasant meUoAV 
 taste, while its pungent aromatic flavour sensibly 
 tickled the olfactory nerves of the veteran topers. 
 They pledged themselves rapidly and quietly, and 
 
76 RORV M'STITCHER. 
 
 gave toasts which would have sounded traitorous 
 and ungrateful in Huistan's ears, had he heard 
 them. 
 
 " An let a ch\ s^nach fhaic " — i.e., " Every day 
 that I see you, and that I don't see you," said the 
 tailor, warmly grasping Quaighhom by the hand. 
 
 " Oh ! every day till you, Rory," affectionately 
 responded the elder. " We've managed gey weel 
 to come roun' the minister an' his man, Huistan." 
 
 By and bye the tailor began to sing in Gaelic — 
 
 " Mhaillidh Dhbun 
 Barrfhionu donn 
 Mhaillidh Dhbun 
 Stiiiradh dhachaidh. 
 
 " MhaUIidh Dhbun 
 Barrfhionn donn 
 'Sgoltadh tbun 
 'S'gan cur seachad." 
 
 " Got !" muttered Htiistan to himself, as the 
 sounds reached liis ear, "put that's prave 
 whuskyl Gie me Ardbeg for getting the speerits 
 up quick." 
 
 Time flew past, and the two topers had, with- 
 out knowing it, sat for about a couple of hours. 
 They took " no note of time," not even " from its 
 loss," as Young hath it. It is needless to say 
 
MEASURE FOR MEASURE. 77 
 
 that they kept no count of the number of glasses 
 they swallo-wed, seeing that it was quite safe to 
 reckon in this matter Avithout their host. The 
 whisky therefore, as a matter of course, proved 
 too strong for the jolly pair of Bacchanals, and 
 the tailor began to show unmistakable symptoms 
 of being pretty far gone. 
 
 " A say, Quaigh-h-horn, where's that d-d-d — d 
 mi-mi-minister, eh ? Troo-oo-sers mea-mea- 
 measure? Yes. Mea-niea-measm'es — me-me-men 
 — not mea-mea-measures, I say, eh f (Hiccup). 
 
 " Whi-i-sht, Rory," whispered Quaighhorn, who 
 was not quite so dnmk as his friend, but whose 
 senses were pretty well obfuscated. "Am af- 
 afeared ye're fou. — A think ye-ye-ye'll hae tae 
 pit-pit it aff." 
 
 " Pit-pit aff ma troo-oo-sers I See-see-see the 
 mioister te-te-te-totally d-d — d first. "WTia-wha- 
 what does he want -na'^ ma tro-oo-sers, eh ?" 
 
 " Who-who-who're you," he stuttered, address- 
 ing the demijohn on the table, "ye og-og-ogly 
 black-looking dee-dee-deevil? Are ye the mi-mi- 
 minister, eh V and he made an ineffectual attempt 
 to clutch the unoifending John, but was prevented 
 by Quaighhorn. 
 
 "Hoots, toots, man I that's the whu-u-usky 
 b-b-bottle," he said, holding the tailor back. 
 
78 MEASURE FOE MEASURE. 
 
 "Lie!" retorted Rory. "N-ii-never saw saw 
 a b-b-bottle like that afore. A'U tak' yer mea- 
 mea-measure noo. A see ye're sho-ort in the 
 n-n-neck, an' 1-1-legs weel enuch," he stammered 
 out, fumbliag for his measuring tape, and looking 
 at the object on the table with the glazed stare 
 of vacuity. 
 
 Huistan had timed his men to a nicety and 
 now judged that both of them would, to use a mild 
 phrase, be unfit for business ; but he had not yet 
 had his revenge. He possessed some skill in the 
 use of medicine, having at one time kept a store, 
 in which he sold, among other articles, all those 
 drugs in ordinary use. He prescribed, besides, in 
 cases of emergency, in the absence of the village 
 doctor. He was, himself, sometimes troubled 
 with pains ra the chest, to relieve which he was 
 obliged to use a liniment, of which croton oil 
 formed a part. He happened to have a bottle of 
 that powerful cathartic in his possession. Putting 
 a sufficient number of drops into two tumblers, 
 he told Ishpal to follow him with boiling water, 
 and going into the room, he called out in a cheery 
 voice — 
 
 " Hullo ! hoo're ye gettin' on ? " 
 
 The voice seemed to have a magical effect 
 upon both pai'ties. They suddenly gathered 
 
MEASURE FOR MEASURE. 79 
 
 themselves together, and it actually appeared as 
 if theii- wandering senses had returned. 
 
 " Come, come I look alive ! " said Huistan, 
 "A've brocht ye some boiling water tae mak' a 
 guid tumbler p' toddy, for a think the minister 
 maun hae gane intil the country, an' winna' be 
 back the nicht." The worthy presentee had been 
 in the house all the time, but knew nothing of 
 what was going on. 
 
 So saying, he poured a glass of whisky into 
 each of the tumblers, put in the necessary 
 quantity of sugar and hot water, and handed 
 them to the two topers, who eagerly received 
 them, and swallowed their contents almost at a 
 gulp. 
 
 Huistan waited for the eifect with a comical 
 look of inquisitive expectation. He had not very 
 long to wait, keeping up a conversation, however, 
 with his unsuspecting victims. 
 
 By and bye there appeared sundry twitchings 
 and twistings on Quaighhom's face, and he shifted 
 himself about very imeasily. The dose — a very 
 powerful one, took more rapid effect, however, 
 upon the less hardy tailor, and all at once he 
 roared out frantically,' 
 
 " Diabhuil! she'll be pooshioned! Dhia, dhia! 
 what will she'll do?" 
 
80 MEASURED. 
 
 On hearmg tliis, Quaighhom, pressing his 
 hand upon his abdomen, and leaning forward 
 Avith a horrible grin, called out— 
 
 "Oh, Lord! she'll be pooshioned too. Send 
 for ta doctor." 
 
 "Hoots, toots," said Huistan, "ye'll no be 
 pooshioned at a' — ^ye'U jist hae ta'en something 
 that hasna' agreed -wi' yer pooels. Sae jist come 
 awa' hame, an' a'U see ye pairt o' the wey." 
 
 So sayiug, he took the unliappy tipplers each 
 by an arm, and led them out of the house, and 
 along the street, which was now quite dark and 
 deserted, in the direction of their houses. 
 
 The two unfortunates lived next door to each 
 other. A wicked thought now took possession of 
 Huistan. He had only intended to see them so far 
 on the way, but he took them on till they came 
 opposite to their own doors, before which was a 
 large duck-pond, green with slime and filth. Get- 
 ting his wards close beside it, and steadying 
 them for a moment, he whispered to the one — 
 
 " Taillyer, ye'd better tak' yer measure there. 
 Ye're weel eniich acquaint wi' ae goose. Ye'll 
 ken noo what the goose dubs is like." 
 
 With these prefatory remarks he gave the 
 unfortunate knight of the thimble a push, which 
 sent him floundering into the pond. 
 
A DINNER PARTY. 81 
 
 " An', Quaighhprn," he added, " sin ye're sae 
 sair troubled in yer conscience aboot the elect, 
 an' thae sort o' things, ye'U be nane the waur o' a 
 bit dock in the sleugh o' Despond." 
 
 The splash and roars of the unhappy pair soon 
 drew the neighbours out of doors; but by the time 
 lights were got, Huistan had disappeared in the 
 darkness, singing to himself in high glee a slightly 
 altered version of the last two stanzas of — 
 
 " There cam' a young man to my daddie's door." 
 
 So ended this attempt to take the measure of 
 the presentee's legs. The end has a sequel, 
 however; but meantime, as we have other matters 
 on hand, we must defer its denouement to a futui-e 
 stage of the narrative. 
 
 Messrs. Sheepshanks and Puncheon had suc- 
 ceeded in getting the honest, open-hearted Porter 
 to give the dinner party, which that astute lawyer, 
 Poind, recommended should be got up. 
 
 Porter, though he made no pretensions to 
 gentility, was a man of considerable wealth and 
 respectable connections. . He had a, large house 
 well fui-nished, a larder never empty, and a well- 
 stocked cellar. His heart was always open, and 
 his door seldom shut, so that his neighbours 
 (friends they could not be called) found no diffi- 
 
S2 A DINNER PARTY. 
 
 culty in getting access to both. While they 
 partook of the good things of his table, and 
 perhaps had occasionally a finger and thumb in 
 his purse, the aristocratic descendants of thievish 
 caterans and cattle-lifters, transformed by civili- 
 zation into the modern drover and dealer in 
 " catties," affected to look down upon the blunt 
 and outspoken Sassenach. 
 
 Porter was a bachelor, or probably the descen- 
 dants of the caterans would not have "lifted" his 
 glasses so frequently to their ungrateful lips, nor 
 have caused the elastic bands of his purse to lose 
 somewhat of their tension. Although giving the 
 dinner party, he was considerately saved the 
 trouble of selecting his own guests, as the aristoc- 
 racy did not associate with all the jolly EngHsh- 
 man's acquaintances. The amiable female coterie 
 to whom reference has abeady been made, kindly 
 relieved him of any difficulty he might have had 
 upon that score, and issued the invitations for him ! 
 
 The important day having arrived, Mrs. 
 M'Corkscrew, after " considerable pressing," 
 agreed to act as matron. She was provided with 
 a capacious easy chair in Porter's comfortable 
 drawing-room, and there sat to receive company 
 with all the dignity becoming the blue blood of a 
 descendant of the fii-st robber of Lochow, or we 
 
Mr. sharped, poind, writer. ss 
 
 should rather have said the first laird, for iii the 
 good old times, while he who merely stole a cow 
 was called a thief, he who stole a drove of cows 
 was called " a gentleman lifter." 
 
 The dinner hour was stated in the cards to be 
 five o'clock; but Mrs. Dorcas knew, from bitter 
 experience, that in this particular part of North 
 Britain a " bunch of hours " was neither here nor 
 there. She accordingly deemed it wise to tell 
 the cook not to have the dinner ready before half- 
 past six o'clock. 
 
 The first to arrive was Mr. Sharper Poind. He 
 had a keen eye for a fat client, as well as a sharp 
 nose for a good dinner. He was a wiry little 
 fellow who seemed to have no shadow. We once 
 knew one of these thin lawyers, who, by the way, 
 founded a very excellent institution called after 
 his own name, somewhere in the great glen of 
 Albyn. He was the disagreeable possessor of a 
 peevish, discontented-looking face, with a peaky 
 little bit of a nose — ^red you couldn't call it, but it 
 had that peculiar half-blue, half-reddish tint, which 
 one may sometimes see on a red-hot poker when 
 the heat is fading from it ; a hybrid hue, in short, 
 between magenta and mavive. He was so thin, 
 that his everlasting blue coat, with its orthodox 
 brass buttons, when on his back, reminded you 
 
8i ME. SHAEPEE, POIND, WEITEE. 
 
 forcibly of a pm-ser's shirt on a handspike. Yet 
 it was said that tliis attenuated disciple of 
 Themis could polish off an ordinary leg of black- 
 faced mutton at dinner with inconceivable ease, 
 besides indulging in other dishes ! 
 
 Poind was a much younger man than he of the 
 reddish-blue nose, but not unlike him otherwise. 
 To judge by the restless eye with which he 
 regarded dish covers, and the impatient and 
 almost imploring glances which he cast at any 
 one saying an unusually long grace, his appetite 
 must have been of intensely agonising keenness. 
 We should like to have witnessed his coimtenance 
 had he been one of the imhappy presbyters whom, 
 on their way to the Assembly, the late Lord 
 Robertson, when practising at the bar, caused to 
 lose their breakfasts, by occupying all the time the 
 " Royal mail " remained at the Kingussie stage in 
 saying grace ; some benighted clergyman, who 
 imagined, from his portly and reverend appear- 
 ance, that he belonged to the cloth, having 
 unfortunately requested the wicked lawyer to 
 "ask a blessing," which he did with a vengeance! 
 
 Poind was not a member of the Glasgow 
 Faculty of Procurators, although his partner was. 
 He was one of those enterprising individuals who, 
 by dint of getting up a smattering of law and a 
 
MK. SHARPER POIND, WRITER. 85 
 
 little algebra, aided by the possession of boundless 
 impudence, manage to emerge from behind the 
 counters which limit their early ambition to flutter 
 before the world as full-blown accountants, either 
 with or without the addition of the important 
 letters "C.A." after their names — initials which 
 in many cases would very well stand for an animal 
 of a different description from that which the last 
 of them is intended to indicate. 
 
 The first care of these fledglings, like that of 
 the youthful jackal or juvenile pilot-fish, is to 
 attach himself to the biggest legal lion or shark 
 who will condescend to have him as a provider. 
 He is contented at first with a moderate share of 
 plunder, but he soon loses a taste for pickings and 
 bones, and acquires a decided love for succulent 
 flesh. By-and-bye he begins to hunt on his own 
 account, and to appropriate the lion's food to him- 
 self — ^not without fear and trembling at first, lest 
 the royal beast should get an inHing of his tricks, 
 and find that he is di-awing conveyances of pro- 
 perty, contracts of copartnery, indentures, marriage 
 settlements, &c., — -but gradually he becomes bolder, 
 and succeeds pretty well in feathering his nest, 
 even under the noses of those who have been 
 foolish enough to encourage him, until at last he 
 can afford to say to any of his patrons demanding 
 
86 MB. SHAEPER POIND, WRITER. 
 
 a share of his booty, as the Highland soldier did 
 to a comrade, who expressed a desire for a portion 
 of the valuables which he had taken from the 
 person of a French officer — " Teil a fear, Tonald, 
 go an' Idll a shentlemans for yersel' !" 
 
 From the Colluvies we have described sprang 
 Mr. Sharper Poind, an individual to whom impud- 
 ence was of more value than loiowledge, and 
 whose idea of the legal profession was, that it 
 was a business in wliich any one endowed with a 
 reasonable amount of brass had peculiar facilities 
 for causing the coin of those more ignorant than 
 himself to change from their pockets to his own. 
 
 Such was Poind, and such, we fear, are a good 
 many "Writers" in some of the more important 
 cities of this Idngdoni. 
 
 Of the other guests, and of the party, anon, in 
 the next chapter. 
 
CHAPTER VI. 
 
 DIKNEn PARTY GIVEN BY THE OBJECTORS— MEMBEHS OF THE 
 PRESBYTERY OF DUNDERHEAD, AND THEIR WIVES — A LOCAL 
 BELLE WITH £ S. D., CAPTIVATES A MONEY-HUNTING LAWYEfl 
 — ^LEGAL AND CLERICAL CONFABULATION. 
 
 ■jl/TR. SHARPER POIND'S arrival at the hospit- 
 ■^ -*• able mansion of Mr. Porter was not long in 
 being succeeded by that of the Rev. Havral Clash, 
 of the parish of Clavers, and Mrs. Havral Clash. 
 
 The rev. gentleman had served his apprentice- 
 ship to a shoemaker, in the parish of which he had 
 now the cm-e of souls. Having deserted the last, 
 he acquired, by laborious study, through years of 
 poverty and self-denial as a student and teacher, 
 the education necessary to fit him for the church. 
 After becoming probationer, the Rev. Havral went 
 about the country as an itinerant preacher, pick- 
 ing up an odd guinea now and then by supplying 
 the pulpit of some more fortunate brother, and 
 finding great acceptance in the eyes of the class 
 fi:om which he had sprung, who looked upon him 
 as a prodigy of learning and piety. 
 
 Fortunately for the Rev. Havral, the Disruption 
 of 1843 enabled him to attain the height of his 
 
88 CHILDREN OF THE DISRUPTION. 
 
 ambition, which was to wag his touzy pow ia the 
 pulpit of his native parish, and instead of cutting 
 up kip and beating obdm-ate ben leather, to thump 
 the calf-skin of the pulpit bible, or, at his discre- 
 tion, the sheeprsldn cushions which formed the 
 support of the sacred volume. Havral was not 
 exactly a bad sort of a feUow. Few sons of St. 
 Crispin really are, but haA'ing had so much diffi- 
 culty in gettmg a church himself, he seemed by 
 a peculiarity not uncommon in some natm-es, to 
 derive pleasure from seeing others, if not actually 
 kept out, at least put to as much trouble in getting 
 into a parish as possible. He was therefore easily 
 induced to become a confederate of the wily 
 schemer M'Cruiger. 
 
 It was at first intended that the dinner should 
 be what is usually called a gentleman party, but 
 Mr. M'Cringer said it would be better to make it 
 general, for the sake of appearance. Thus it was 
 that Mrs. Clash accompanied her husband. She 
 had been a servant with the old maker of brogues 
 with whom Havral had been an apprentice. 
 Although considerably older than her husband, 
 he had chosen to fall in love with her ; and, to do 
 him justice, he stuck to her as closely as his rosin 
 used to do to his packthread. They Avere married 
 after he got the parish. Whatever she might 
 
CHILDREN OF THE DISRUPTION. '80 
 
 have been before, she had now all the appearance 
 of a fiery-faced cook, fat and frowsy, with that 
 peculiar contovir of figure which gives perpetual 
 promise of an event that never happens. 
 
 Messrs. Sheepshanlcs, Puncheon, Stirk, and 
 others, arrived sometime afterwards, accompanied 
 by their respective wives. Mr. Sneaker was also 
 of the party. He escorted ithe fair Flora Letitia, 
 her cousin. Miss M'Phillabeg, and a few of the 
 local belles. 
 
 The drawing-room was getting lively, when 
 lip drove the Rev. Lauchlin Mackintrowsers, of 
 the parish of Lochabernomore, and the Rev. 
 Teevish M'Sneevish, of the parish of Sneeshan, 
 who had. agreed to come together, as they had 
 to travel the same road. Truly the Disruption 
 was a godsend to some of the licentiates of those 
 days ! Mackintrowsers had been bred a carpenter, 
 but somebody persuaded him that he had a genius 
 above planing boards, and that it would be a deal 
 better for him to turn his thoughts to the minis- 
 try. It was well known that he had the " gift of 
 prayer," and there was little difficulty in convinc- 
 ing him that this was an open sesame to every 
 acquirement, human or divine. With it he could 
 easily overcome the Greek and Latin, including 
 that stumblingblock of Scottish ministers, the 
 
90 CHILDREN OS" THE DISRUPTION. 
 
 quantities and particles of the former tongue. As 
 for Hebrew, he believed it was so much like 
 Grselic, that except it was read baclcwards, there 
 was little or no difference. With regard to 
 mathematics, he could have almost no trouble. 
 He had learned mensuration and trigonometry at 
 school, and he had no fear of mastering conic 
 sections, or the differential calculus. It was just 
 the theory he wanted; so Mackintrowsers left the 
 bench to study for the pulpit, and having no bar 
 in his way, by some miracle, only to be accounted 
 for, we suppose, by the gift of prayer, he succeeded 
 in being licensed as a preacher of the gospel, but 
 he had well nigh made sliip-wTeck of himself and 
 his divinity. 
 
 He had somehow got a presentation to an 
 out-of-the-way Parliamentary church in the 
 Hebrides. When his trial discourses were handed 
 to the clerk of the Presbytery, it was foimd out 
 by a troublesome doctor of di\4nity, too learned 
 for poor Macldntrowsers, that the Gcelic discom-se 
 was a free and easy translation of a remarkably 
 good sermon by an EngHsh divine. Lauchlin was 
 made "to lave that," as Sheridan, according to the 
 polite compliment of the L-ish game-keeper, made 
 the covey of partridges do, whichhehadbeen vainly 
 trying to shoot for the best part of an afternoon. 
 
OHILDBEN OF THE DISRUPTION. 01 
 
 How he got another charge nobody seemed to 
 know, but the "gift" must have been at the 
 bottom of it. 
 
 There appeared next, the Rev, Ebenezer Sneck- 
 draw, of the parish of Brose Athole, with his 
 daughter, the Kev, Inkhorn Shirleywhitter, clerk 
 of Presbytery, and the Rev. Mr. M'Snee, of the 
 parish of Gilliecallum, accompanied by Mrs. 
 M'Snee and daughter, and by Master M'Snee, 
 whom they were afraid to leave at home, he had 
 such a devilish propensity to open shut and 
 lockfast places. Although not a youth of the 
 genus called chubby, it would almost have re- 
 quired a lock of that description to keep him out 
 of drawers and presses. 
 
 The last arrival was the Moderator of the 
 Presbytery, the Rev. Mr. M'Slykey, of the parish 
 of Greetknowe. A most accomplished trimmer, 
 he managed somehow, by an immense deal of 
 fuss, to raise a mist, under cover of which he 
 succeeded in escaping from scrapes, and in lead- 
 ing those who could not see through him to 
 believe that he took a lively interest in their 
 particular concerns. In this way, he contrived 
 to hold a dubious neutrality in almost all ques- 
 tions which came before the Presbytery, but his 
 lubricity had become matter of notoriety. 
 
02 AT DINNER. 
 
 What v/as supposed to constitute the inde- 
 pendent or aristocratic portion of the Presbytery 
 M'as not represented. 
 
 The dinner was excellent — the host was an 
 Englishman, accustomed to good cheer. Even 
 the irate Frenchman who, in the agony of ex- 
 tracting the stringy parts of a tough hifteck from 
 the recesses of his teeth, where they had twisted 
 themselves into something like a Gordian knot, 
 would hardly have exclaimed on this occasion — "In 
 dis country God send de viande, but de dayveel send 
 de cooky Porter had secured the services of au 
 efficient cuisinibre from his OAvn county, Yorkshire. 
 As a proof of her culinary skill. Poind almost 
 devoured the whole contents of a venison pasty. 
 
 " Can I assist you to some more, Mr. Poind 1 " 
 said Porter, really admiriag the thoroughness 
 with wliich the man of law went to work. 
 
 At this moment the former saAv the eyes of 
 Miss Helen M'Phillabeg regarding him intently, 
 whether with a look of wonder or admiration he 
 did not know exactly, but he flattered himself that 
 it was the latter. 
 
 He hastily said — " No, thank you ; but if you 
 have no objection, I'll trouble you for the smallest 
 possible quantity of the stewed hare, and a few 
 oysters." 
 
AT DINNER. 93 
 
 There is one thing in which an Enghshinan 
 is rarely mistaken — ^lie generally knows, and, 
 knowing, always appreciates an eating man. 
 Poind's wish was gratified — he received a 
 helping that would have dined an average 
 mason. 
 
 To enumerate the quantity and variety of 
 viands which this gentleman put himself outside 
 of, as a Yankee would say, woivld be too tedious. 
 One would almost have expected to see his lean 
 body gradually expand, like that of the cobra di 
 capello when gorging after a long fast, or, at all 
 events, to exhibit some signs of plethora. But 
 no ; the fellow positively seemed more lively at 
 the end than at the beginning ! Where he could 
 have stowed all he took in it is impossible to say. 
 Perhaps, like the ruminating animals, he had a 
 second stomach. 
 
 "Who is that lady looking this way?" he 
 suddenly asked, addressing the Rev, Mr. M'Cringer, 
 who sat next to him. " I don't think I have been 
 introduced to her." 
 
 "Ahal Mr. Poind," exclaimed the reverend 
 gentleman, " you are a sharp fellow. You have 
 scented £15,000 there I" 
 
 « Is that a factf said Poind, 
 
 " It is ; and if you conduct this case well, I don't^ 
 
94 AT DIKNEE. 
 
 see why you slioiildii't manage a more luterestiug 
 suit on yom* own account." 
 
 " Well, it won't be my fault if the case, at least, 
 is not well conducted," replied Poind. " But I 
 think I haven't got a fail- chance as yet. You 
 have been making a mess of matters. The meet- 
 ing and Quaighhorn's miscarriage have done us 
 no good." 
 
 "Not my fault, Mr. Poind; not my fault, I 
 
 assm-e you," said M'Ci-inger. "If they bungle 
 
 well-laid plans, who's to blame ? You know what 
 
 Bm-ns says — ■ 
 
 ' The best laid scliemes of mice and men 
 Gang aft agee.' " 
 
 " It's a pity," said Poind, musingly, " that we 
 couldn't get the legs measm-ed." 
 
 " So it is," said M'Criager. " Do you know, I 
 think he -wsiikB^-haud equis passibus." 
 
 M'Cringer had made a pause at "walks," to 
 give emphasis to his quotation, and Poind, who 
 Avas ignorant of Latm, but, like many others, 
 pretended to know it, misled by the word "pas- 
 sibtcs," thought that M'Ci-inger, who was reputed 
 to be a good classic, had asked him to pass the 
 bottles, so, with a wink, as if to say — " I see what 
 you're up to, old boy, you don't Avant them to 
 knowj" said, in his blandest manner-^ 
 
AT DINNER. 95 
 
 " With the greatest pleasure iii the world," and 
 was in the act of passing the decanters, when 
 Porter exclaimed in his jolly voice — " I say, you 
 two, I don't like to see the law and the gospel so 
 close together, especially when they become bottle 
 stoppers." 
 
 " A thousand pardons," said Poind, " I was 
 just gouig to pass them along when you spoke." 
 
 " All light," replied Porter, turning round for 
 the twentieth time to listen to the lamentations 
 of Mi"S. M'Corkscrew as to the threateniag aspect 
 of affairs in the parish. 
 
 He had no sooner lent one ear to the discon- 
 solate widow, than he was obliged to surrender 
 the other to Mrs. Havral Clash, who favoured him 
 with an interesting dissertation upon the best 
 mode of rearing pigs and poultry. He had 
 brought this infliction upon himself, however, for 
 he had given the loquacious lady a pretty " heavy 
 dram " as an appetiser before dinner, and an extra 
 nip after the soles, to keep them, as he wittily 
 remarked, from swimming. 
 
 " There are just two occasions, I think, MrSi 
 Clash," he facetiously observed, "on which you 
 take a dram at dinner in this country — when you 
 have fish, and when you haven't — ^hal hal Ehf 
 
 " Oh, fie 1 Mr. Porter. A'm feared ye hae gi'en 
 
9G AT DINNEE. 
 
 me ower muckle o' tliat strong wliuskey. They're 
 Burely rale big dram glaisses thae— they maun be 
 for gentlemen an' no for leddies." 
 
 « Not at &vA," chimed in the Rev. Havral, who 
 had been pretty freely patronismg the bottle 
 hunself. He seemed rather to relish the idea of 
 his wife enjoying herself, and gazed upon her 
 jolly, rubicund, perspiring face, with evident 
 affection. 
 
 "It's a' verra Aveel," he continued, "for the 
 leddies tae flyte on the men for talcin' a dram, but 
 ye'U maybe ken, Mr. Porter, what ane o' oor poets 
 says — 
 
 ' Ta leddies tey will glower an' blink 
 AVhane'er tey'll saw't a man in trink ; 
 Put by themsel' tey'll nefer wink 
 At four pig trams o' whuskey O !' " 
 
 "Keep me! exclaimed his astonished spouse, 
 " did ye ever hear the like o' thaf? In a' the 
 warld, whaur did ye learn sic trash o' poetry as 
 that, Mr. Clash ? I never heerd ye say that afore." 
 
 Probably the Rev. Havral thought he had gone 
 too far, for he tm-ned liis head quickly in another 
 direction. 
 
 The "severlal trams" as Alister Fillyerglass 
 used to call them, when lie tried to talk pure 
 
AT DINNEK, 97 
 
 English, not to speak of numerous helpings to 
 sherry and champagne, had made Mrs. Clash 
 unusually eloquent on the subject of her porkers. 
 Married women of her class have all a failing of 
 this sort. Whether it be the poultry they rear, 
 the butter they churn, or the stockings they knit 
 for their husbands, they are certain to have some 
 hobby of the kind, if one could only hit upon it. 
 They generally come out -with it when ia good 
 spu-its. 
 
 " Yes, Mr. Porter," exclaimed Mrs. Clash, with 
 emphasis, " they're the beautifullest Httle pigs you 
 ever seed ; they're jist in prime order the noo for 
 roastin'. Dear me ! a wunner a was sae stoopit. 
 A micht hae brocht ane o' them in my ridicule. 
 It wad hae been fine tae see't staunin' like a wee 
 bould warrior in the middle o' the table, wi' its 
 tail straucht, its heed up, an' its wee short legs 
 set firm on the truncher, wi' a lemon in its mouth." 
 
 " An orange, you mean, Mrs. Clash," observed 
 Porter. 
 
 "Ay, ay, a oranger; but it's a' the same a 
 reckon." 
 
 " Quite the same, Mrs. Clash — quite the same," 
 said the amiable Porter. 
 
 "Dear me I tae hear that wuman talk," 
 
 whispered Mrs. M'Snee to her daughter, feeling 
 
 G 
 
93 AT DINNER. 
 
 annoyed at being so far from the head of the 
 table, "naething but aboot pigs an' stots an' 
 heifers." 
 
 "She's naetliing but a heifer hersel'," rather 
 ioudly ejaculated young M'Snee, regardless of 
 consequences. A fearful look of wrath from his 
 mother, and a squeal from the young ho^ess, 
 followed this remark. 
 
 " Oh ! dinna nip me sae sau', an' a'U no say't 
 again," cried out the scapegrace. 
 
 In the midst of this fracas the voice of the 
 Eev. Mr. Mackintrowsers was heard exclaiming — 
 
 " How did ye come, Mr. Porter, to place the 
 law afore the gospel ? I'm sui-e that's wrong." 
 
 " Bless me ! did I do that V innocently asked 
 the worthy host, 
 
 " Ye did that, I assm-e you," answered Mackin- 
 trowsers.^. " Ye said awhile ago that ye didna like 
 tae see thb law and the gospel sae close thegither." 
 
 " Well, I'm blowed if I knoAv," repUed Porter, 
 looking rather sheepish, and feeling as if he had 
 got into some scrape, 
 
 "And Avhy not?" sharply asked Miss Helen 
 Alicia M'Phillabeg, looking straight at Mackin- 
 trowsers. 
 
 Helen was a smart, well-educated, sensible 
 young lassie, as they say in the Nortli, with the 
 
AT DINNER. 99 
 
 additional attraction of £15,000, and had, as a 
 Frencliman would phrase it, some twenty-three 
 years. She was an orphan, and was under the 
 care of her aunt, Mrs. M'Corkscrew. She was 
 both good and bonny, and loved fun and frolic 
 immensely. She had somehow a sneaking regard 
 for Porter, whom, although nearly ten years her 
 senior, she admired for his manly simplicity of 
 character and correct principles. 
 
 " Why not 1" she again asked, as Mackintrowsera 
 seemed in no hurry to reply. 
 
 "Weel, I theenk," slowly articulated the ci 
 devant joiner, " I theenk that oor profession ocht 
 tae go first." 
 
 " Why f was the cm-t rejoinder. 
 
 " Because we preach the gospel." 
 
 " Have you any Scripture for that 1" 
 
 " Weel, I'm no jist sure the noo, but I theenk 
 if ye gied me time I could fin' it oot." 
 
 " But if I can show you Scripture for the reverse, 
 ^vill you be satisfied f 
 
 "Weel, I theenk I wud." 
 
 "Well, do you know any part of Scripture 
 which says, ' On these two commandments hang 
 all the Law and the Prophets.' " 
 
 " Bravo ! Miss M'Phillabeg," exclaimed Poind.— 
 MackintroAvsers looked confused. 
 
100 AT DINNER. 
 
 " NoAv," Baid the intrepid Miss Helen, " that I 
 have shown you that the law goes fii'st, can you 
 tell me where the verse I have repeated is to be 
 found f 
 
 Poor Mackintrowsers was in the act of swallow- 
 ing a glass of very excellent port. It was Hterally 
 wasting good liquor to bestow it upon one who 
 knew as much about good port as he did about 
 the Lacrymae Christi of Metternich's famous vine- 
 yard. He gulped it down as he would a basin of 
 gruel, but his wine-bibbing career was well nigh 
 cut short by the last question. The genial port, 
 probably disdaining to be any longer relegated to 
 such a vulgar limbo as the stomach of the Rev. 
 Mackintrowsers, took advantage of the sudden 
 stoppage of his breath, to rush down his windpipe; 
 a most alarming gurgle instantly issued from his 
 throat — ^lie gasped spasmodically, and his eyes 
 began to start wildly in their sockets, but a smart 
 slap on the back from Porter, brought him sharp 
 up to liis bearings again. 
 
 With tears of agony he looked at Miss 
 M'Phillabeg and gulped out, " Was ye spealdng?" 
 
 "Yes," she replied, nearly bm-sting with 
 laughter. " I was asking you if you could tell 
 me where the verse is that I repeated a little 
 ago." 
 
AT DINNER. 101 
 
 " AVeel, Miss M'Phillabeg, I really maist forget 
 tlie noo." 
 
 " Then I must remind you that it is the 40th 
 verse of the 22nd chapter of Matthew, for I was 
 reading that chapter last night." 
 
 " Ye're quite richt — quite richt," said Maokin- 
 trowsers, recoveriag from his bronchitic attack, 
 and greatly reheved to be quit of two such 
 fonnidable tormentors. 
 
 In due course the ladies retired to the drawiag- 
 room, where they were soon followed by Sneaker. 
 
 The gentlemen being now more at their ease, 
 a general conversation took place, which, in a 
 short time, converged upon the topic of the day, 
 to wit, the state of the parish. 
 
 " It was very wrong," said Ptincheon, " of the 
 Lord Advocate not to give us our choice of a 
 minister, and to present a man unfitted for the 
 heavy work of this parish." 
 
 " I think so decidedly," said M'Cringer, " and 
 the people ought to show that they are not to be 
 thus treated." 
 
 *' They ocht, in ma opinion, tae hae a voice in 
 the choice o' their ain minister," whinapered 
 Macldntrowsers. 
 
 " That's ma opinion, tae," remarked Mr. Havral 
 Clash. " I wish we had the old veto law still." 
 
102 AFTER DINNER. 
 
 "Lord Aberdeen's Act is quite unworkable," 
 cbimed in the Rev. Mr. M'Snee. 
 
 " Nae doot o't," cbirrupped M'Sneevish. 
 
 " Well, -well, gentlemen," interrupted the judi- 
 cious M'Slykey, " we must just make the best of 
 it. I daresay if the Act got fair play it would do 
 well enough." 
 
 " What do you mean by that f said M'Cringer, 
 fiercely. " Do you think we don't work it pro- 
 perly ? I'm afraid you're getting some of Dr. 
 Browser's notions into your head f 
 
 " By no means, my dear su*," said the supple 
 M'Slykey, " what I mean is, that what we do in 
 the Presbytery is either OA'-erturned or mangled 
 by the Synod or the Assembly." 
 
 " Oh ! that iadeed," repHed M'Cringer. 
 
 " No doubt of it," said Poind, coming to the 
 rescue, and wishing to prevent anything in the 
 shape of a quarrel. " I quite perceive yom- mean- 
 iag, Mr. M'Slykey. The Assembly hardly does 
 justice to the laboui-s of the inferior com-ts of the 
 Church." 
 
 "Inferior coorts o' the Church! — what's that 
 
 you say f suddenly asked Mr. Skii-ley whitter, the 
 
 clerk of the Presbytery, evidently a little elevated. 
 
 " Oh I it's merely a term," mildly repHed Poind.. 
 
 " A term o' contempt, I reckon," surlily ex- 
 
AFTER DINNER 103 
 
 claimed the other. Aren't we jist as guid's the 
 Assembly ? Isn't it composed o' Presbyteries f 
 
 " No donbt, no doubt. I confess I'm wrong," 
 replied Poind. " I ought, perhaps, to have said 
 the initiatory courts of the Church." 
 
 " Ay, ye're richt noo," triumphantly exclaimed 
 Skirleywhitter. " You see you lawyers need to 
 be learned something at times." 
 
 " Always glad to get information, Mr. Skirley- 
 whitter." 
 
 The conversation was now carried on by the 
 company in knots. Sheepshanks and Puncheon 
 changed their seats more than once, their aim 
 being to get the guests committed to the course 
 of action which they were now determined to 
 pursue. It is needless to say that they had no 
 difficulty in accomplishing this. 
 
 A very animated conversation was going on 
 between Poind and M'Ciinger; 
 
 " You must really devise some means for put- 
 ting us in a position to lead evidence as to the 
 presentee's powers of walking over the rough 
 hills and dales of this mountainous parish," 
 observed the former. "I am confident he isn't 
 equal to the task, from what I have heard ; and 
 if, as you have just said, one of his legs is shorter 
 than the othef, and has sustamed an injury, all 
 
104 AFTER DINNER. 
 
 the better for us. Besides, his neck, as I am told, 
 is so short, and his body so heavy, that he must 
 be knocked up ■\^^th any continuous exertion. 
 
 " Now, I'll tell you," he added slily, " what I 
 think should be done. I learned in the village 
 of Porterbier that the presentee is very desirous 
 of preaching in some of the neighbom-ing parishes, 
 in order to extend his reputation, as his supporters 
 call it, among the people, and to disabuse their 
 minds of the stories that his fi-iends say have been 
 spread abroad against him. Now, suppose you 
 were to ask him to preach for you, and give him 
 quarters in your manse from Saturday till Mon- 
 day. He would accept at once ; for he can have 
 no idea yet that any member of Presbytery is 
 against him." 
 
 "Wein" said M'Cringer, with a look of ma- 
 licious intelligence in his cold, grey eye. 
 
 " Well, then," continued Poind, rising with his 
 subject, and not noticing that a servant girl was 
 standuig beliind him with a kettle of boiling 
 water for then next tumbler, "you could trot him 
 out some nine or ten miles with one or two fi-iends 
 over the worst part of your parish, and watch the 
 effect; and particularly notice how he moimted 
 the stairs in your house; and afterwards," said 
 Poind, big ■\\-ith the consciousness of a great dis- 
 
AFTER DINNER. 105 
 
 coveiy, " when seeing Mm into his bedroom, you 
 couH easily prevail upon him to have his trousers 
 sent to the kitchen to be brushed, and then " 
 
 "And then," said the delighted M'Cringer, 
 "we could take the measure I The very thing, 
 my dear fellow. You certainly have the bump of 
 invention." 
 
 "My dear sir," modestly replied Poind, "in 
 cm- profession a man must be up to everything. 
 He must be, as Horace says, * semper paratus.' " 
 
 "Hallo! who's there?" he suddenly exclaimed, 
 tui-ning his head, and seeing the girl standing 
 with the kettle. She did not, however, answer 
 him, but addressing M'Cringer in G^lic, intimated 
 that she had just come in with the hot water. 
 
 "How long have you been here?" asked 
 Poind, rather uneasily. 
 
 " She'll no' understan' ta shentleman's English," 
 modestly rephed the gii-l. 
 
 "Oh! never mind," said M'Cringer, hastily. 
 "I must speak to Sheepshanks and Puncheon 
 about what you have suggested." 
 
 "Suppose we retire for a little to another 
 room?" 
 
 "All light." 
 
 The four worthies accordingly did so, and the 
 plot was then and there matured. 
 
106 AFTER DINNER. 
 
 " There's another thing," said Poind, "I wished 
 to bring before you. I have heard that a good 
 deal could be raked up against the presentee in 
 his present parish. He was, as I have been 
 informed, considered to be inattentive to his 
 ministerial duties, and unfitted for the rough 
 work he ought to have performed. I understand 
 that the parish of Lochspelding is by no means so 
 extensive nor so rugged and hilly as this one, and 
 if we could get a good body of evidence from 
 there, it would go a great way to help us. I 
 think, therefore, we should at once send one or 
 two knowing and discreet persons quietly to 
 get up information before we begin to lead our 
 evidence." 
 
 "A very judicious thing, indeed," saidM'Cmiger. 
 " I see you are quite up to what should be done." 
 
 " No doubt of it," obsei-ved Sheepshanks. 
 
 " But," said Pomd, " it need not, of course, be 
 done before the day for moderating in the call, 
 and stating the objections ; and I shall aiTauge 
 all the details with you before then." 
 
 " Now, I tliink," he observed, " we are faii-ly on 
 the track again, after having been thrown oiF the 
 rails by that fellow Huistan M'Huistan. You see 
 what it is to have a lawyer among you," he 
 observed, in a jocular vein. 
 
AFTER DINNER. 107 
 
 "But we should return to the dining-room," 
 he suddenly exclaimed. 
 
 His object in going back there was to have 
 another tumbler before joining the ladies, as he did 
 not feel quite up to the mark for a conversation 
 with Miss M'Phillabeg. Having fortified himself for 
 this purpose, at his suggestion they aU repaired 
 to the drawing-room. 
 
 Thither we too shall follow them. 
 
CHAPTER YII. 
 
 MINISTEEIAL AKD LEGAL GUESTS DESEET TlIE DIET PRO LOCO ET 
 TEilPORE, EOT RETURN TO THE DESSERT — A LAWYER IN LOVE 
 ■WITH £15,000 — ^AN AMIABLE CLERICAL SNEAK AND A 
 POETICAL HEIRESS — ECCLESIASTICAL LOVE IN A DRAWING - 
 ROOSI, AND LUDICROUS DEN0LT:MENT — MRS. PRT, THE POST- 
 MISTRESS, WITH A CONFIDANTE OVER A CUP OF TEA. 
 
 " T) Y the bye," whispered Poind to M'Cringer, as 
 they entered the drawing-room, " I've not 
 yet been iatroduced to Miss M'Phillabeg. You'll 
 do the needful, I hope ?" 
 
 " Oh ! of coui-se ; come along." 
 
 "Allow me, Miss Helen," said M'Ci-inger, 
 blandly, "to introduce my friend, Mr. Poind, of the 
 eminent fii-m of Messrs. Horn and Poind, writers, 
 Glasgow, who has come down to conduct the case 
 against the presente£." 
 
 " Mr. Poind, Miss M'Phillabeg." 
 
 "Delighted to hear, sh-, that you're engaged 
 in so good a cause. I hope you have none worse 
 than this on hand." 
 
 " I have very much pleasm-e," replied Pouid, 
 "in making your acqiiaintance, Miss M'Phillabeg. 
 
WITH THE LADIES. 109 
 
 ■ We lawyers, like doctors, are obliged to attend to 
 all cases. It's our duty." 
 
 " What !" archly exclaimed his lively interro- 
 gator, " whether you are to be paid for them or 
 notr 
 
 " Well, we of course expect to be paid, but are 
 frequently not." 
 
 " I have been told that you always take good 
 care of yom'selves." 
 
 " Don't you thmk, Miss M'Phillabeg, that it is 
 the duty of everybody to do so?" smilingly 
 answered the other. 
 
 " Oh, certainly," retorted the lady ; " but if all 
 stories are true, you not only do that, but leave 
 very httle for others to take care of. It is said 
 that you swallow the oyster, and leave the shells 
 for your clients." 
 
 " Very good — very good, indeed. Miss Helen," 
 said Poind, beginning to be a little more familiar. 
 " I'm afraid I have no chance with you in argu- 
 ment. You woidd make a capital special pleader. 
 I wish we had you in our court." 
 
 " You wouldn't be inclined to make it a case of 
 courtship would you, Mr. Poind? " asked the sly 
 creature, looking to the ground. 
 
 For a moment Poind's tongue clove to the roof 
 of his mouth. Was it possible that she had taken 
 
110 WITH THE LADIES. 
 
 a fancy to him at first sight? Had she not gazed 
 upon him at the dinner table, and attracted his 
 attention so much, that he had asked Mr. M'Cringer 
 who she was ? 
 
 " Ahem," he at last mumbled. " I'm sure there 
 are very few at cm' bar who would not be ready 
 to do so." 
 
 " I look upon that as an evasive answer," softly 
 replied the young lady. 
 
 Poind's spindle shanks began to feel rather 
 shaky, and he was wondering what on earth he 
 should eay. The thought of having the owner of 
 fifteen thousand pounds, and a pretty face to 
 boot, at his immediate disposal was too much 
 even for his equanimity ; but at this critical jimc- 
 tm-e Mrs. M'Corkscrew came up and said that the 
 ladies were proposing to have a walk on the beach, 
 and were just goiag to fetch their shawls. 
 
 " Dehghtftd !" exclaimed the lively Miss Helen. 
 "Will you come, Mr. Poind?" 
 
 "With the greatest pleasui-e in the world," 
 answered the ecstatic pettifogger. 
 
 "Are you not coming with us, Flora?" asked 
 Miss M'Phillabeg, approaching an ottoman, where 
 Sneaker andhis chamierwere engaged in animated 
 conversation. 
 
 "I think not. my dear," said the latter, assimi- 
 
WITH THE LADIES. Ill 
 
 ing a langiiid aii-. " I have got a slight headache, 
 and am afraid of damp." 
 
 " Fiddlesticks. It must be very slight indeed, 
 for I saw you laughing heartily a few minutes ago, 
 and you know the sand is as dry as a barn floor." 
 
 " Oh, Helen, how can you talk so f exclaimed 
 the amiable Flora, colouring. " You are such a 
 teaze." 
 
 "But you'll come, of course, Mr. Sneaker?" 
 she archly said, addi-essing that bashftil young 
 gentleman. 
 
 " Well, Miss Helen," whimpered out Sneaker, 
 " I should be very glad ; but the fact is, we have 
 got into a very interesting chat about the poems 
 of Longfellow, and I am loath to leave the subject 
 without finishing it." 
 
 " Well," replied his tormentor, " I don't know 
 what subject you are loath to leave, although I 
 daresay I could easily guess," — glancing slily at 
 her cousin, " Nor do I know much about Long- 
 fellow ; but one thing I do know, and that is, that 
 you are a very lazy fellow." 
 
 "Come along, Mr. Poind," she said, briskly, 
 taking that gentleman's arm. " Let us leave them 
 to ponder over ' Hiawatha,' " and turning her head 
 sharply round as they were at the door, she gave 
 a provoking look at the solitary paii- on the otto- 
 
112 A PAIR OF LOVEES. 
 
 man, as much as to say — '= Longfellow, indeed! I 
 know what the fellow longs for." 
 
 Before going out, Mrs. M'Corkscrew, like an 
 economical woman, as she was, had lowered the 
 lamps, so that a dim, religious light pervaded the 
 drawing-room. The lovers, therefore, felt them- 
 selves doubly alone, and indulged in aU the 
 abandon attendant upon conscious seclusion. 
 
 " My dear Adam," fondly exclaimed the loving 
 Flora, " I'm so sorry that matters have not gone 
 as favourably as we could have wished, but Mr. 
 M'Cringer has assured me that Mr. Poiad will put 
 everything to rights. He understands all about 
 these cases." 
 
 " I sincerely hope so," said Sneaker. 
 
 It is right to state that Miss Flora Letitia 
 M'Corkscrew was a woman of no common parts. 
 She had received an excellent education, had a 
 highly cultivated mind, and considerable literary 
 taste. She had read extensively, and was passion- 
 ately fond of poetry. It is not an uncommon 
 thing, however, for women of this stamp to bestow 
 their aiFections upon such creatiu-es as Sneaker, 
 particularly if they fancy that their tastes and 
 feeliags are akin. Mr. Sneaker certainly did make 
 "some pretensions to poetry." He had a very 
 high idea of the merit of his own effusions, but, aa 
 
A PAIR OF LOVERS. 113 
 
 we liavo seen, some people differed slightly from 
 the author in regard to their value. The trath is 
 that Sneaker appropriated the thoughts of others. 
 He practised the art of electrotyping Ids own base 
 metal with real silver. He certainly imposed upon 
 the unsuspecting Flora, but when a woman is 
 willing to be deceived, the operation itself is half 
 accomplished. 
 
 " How long will it be, my dear Flora, do you 
 think, before this odious Ochtertyre can be got 
 rid off he softly enquired. 
 
 Poor Flora fancied that the thoughts of her 
 lover were directed to the happy day when her 
 ardent ■wishes could be accompHshed by the holy 
 bands of matrimony. Alas ! the Rev. Mr. Sneaker 
 was thinking only of his own presentation to the 
 parish. 
 
 " Really, my dear, I cannot exactly say, but I 
 will ask Mr. Poind and Mr. M'Cringer to-night." 
 
 " I wish you would," was the cool reply. 
 
 " I haven't shown you my last poetical effusion," 
 she exclaimed, with animation. 
 
 " No, I think not," answered Sneaker, with an 
 indifference which she did not notice. 
 
 " You recollect that beautiful French timepiece 
 in aunt's drawing-room, with the burnished egg 
 and the ray from the top playing upon it, and a 
 
114 FOETY-THEEE LINES OP SENTIMENT. 
 
 Cupid bm-stiiig from the broken shell. I never 
 discovered that there was a motto on one of the 
 scrolls until a day or two ago. The words are — 
 ' Un rayon d^espoir fait le naltre.' I was always at 
 a loss to understand what was the precise idea 
 intended to be conveyed by the design imtU I read 
 the inscription, and I thought it so pretty, that I 
 at once sat down and wi'ote a few lines about it. 
 I should like to have your opuiion of them. "Will 
 you allow me to repeat them to you ?"' 
 
 " Oh ! by all means," muttered Sneaker, his 
 mind still dwelling upon the subject of the khk 
 and manse. 
 
 So Miss Flora, -with beaming eyes, recited tho 
 following lines : — 
 
 " UN EAYON D'ESPOIR FAIT LE NAITKE." 
 " So bore a glittering timepiece on its pliuth 
 Of golden fretwork, curiously wrought, 
 Which caught the gaze, by which my musing eye 
 Was led a captive to this quaint device. 
 Pleased and yet puzzled by, I know not what, 
 I asked myself, ' What can this writing mean? 
 
 A ray of hope has caused him to be born 
 
 Sprung from a gleam of hope— how can it bo? 
 Who— What is born? the quiddity lies there.' 
 I pondered o'er tlie cabalistic line . 
 Strange phantasm, to cause my wandering thought 
 To concentrate its power on airy dreams, 
 
FORTV-THREE LINES OF SENTIMENT. 115 
 
 And fancies spun from golden pedestals ! 
 
 Yet there was something in the very words, 
 
 And more in the occasion — but that's gone^ 
 
 Which breathed the essence of some secret thought, 
 
 Some gleam of fancy, or some dream of love. 
 
 To find out truth philosophy hath taught, 
 
 Requires the steadfast musing of the mind 
 
 Upon the object sought to be divined ; 
 
 But are we not herein sometimes at fault 
 
 By too intently musing? The orbit of our thoughts 
 
 We thus would make the circle of the truth, 
 
 Strange to suppose it cradled, buried here ; 
 
 To dig for gold before the earth is probed, 
 
 To prove that there is precious metal there ! 
 
 So ceased my mind to ponder o'er the line. 
 
 But, glancing vipward, 'mid the twisted wreaths 
 
 Of golden flowers and frosted leafy buds, 
 
 Ha ! bursts upon my mind the flashing truth. 
 
 Behold I a broken, burnished egg lies there, 
 
 And from his incubus a rosy Cupid springs ; 
 
 While, darting from the throne of mighty Jove, 
 
 A ray of glittering sunshine crowns his head. 
 
 How emblematic of the birth of love ! 
 
 Yet 'tis not always so : more frequent still 
 
 We find it hatched, uncared for, and unknown; 
 
 Bird-like, 'tis formed within the glowing breast) 
 
 And feeds upon its own emotions deep. 
 
 Till, bursting with its joys, too big for bounds) 
 
 It breaks too soon, ala,s ! the virgin shell ; 
 
 But, meeting with no kindred ray of hope) 
 
 Shrinks from a world too cold to foster lovei" 
 
116 A CATASTEOPHE. 
 
 Sneaker expressed himself higlily pleased 
 ■nath this production, btit his interest was raised 
 to a much , higher pitch, when, in the . course 
 of conversation, Miss M'Corkscrew happened 
 to mention that an aunt of hers was danger- 
 ously ill, and that she herself was down in 
 her will for some five thousand pounds on her 
 death. 
 
 " My dear Flora," said the pious young man, 
 " I hope you will be long spared such an affliction 
 as the death of your aunt." 
 
 IJe was in the act of imprinting a kiss upon 
 the not unwilling lips of his fair companion, when 
 an unearthly yell burst from the other side of the 
 room, apparently proceeding from a press, the 
 door of which was suddenly opened, and a fright- 
 ful figure rushed out in a state of frantic distrac- 
 tion, tossing its arms up in the direction of what 
 appeared to be its head, but a head such as no 
 human being ever saw before. 
 
 The intended smack died away upon Sneaker's 
 lips. He was in mortal terror, fancying it was 
 the foul fiend himself, come to punish him for his 
 hyproci-isy. He was natui-ally a coward, and had 
 beheved in ghosts fi-om his childhood. His haii- 
 stood on end as the figiu-e came shi-ieldng towards 
 them. 
 
A CATASTROPHE. 117 
 
 Miss Flora, although somewhat frightened, 
 retained her self-possession. She boldly asked— 
 , "What's all this r 
 
 A choking voice, which she recognised as that 
 of young M'Snee, called out — 
 
 " Oh, Lord ! a'm choked. Tak' the pat aff ma 
 heed, for godsake !" Feeling assm-ed that it was 
 not old Nick, Sneaker got up quickly, and getting 
 hold of what tui-ned out to be a large jar, lifted it 
 with some difficulty oif the young rascal's head. 
 His face could not be distinguished, for it was 
 completely covered with some thick black sub- 
 stance, like treacle, which streamed down his 
 body. 
 
 " Oh, ma nose, ma nose !" he roared out, putting 
 his hand up to that facial protuberance. It's 
 broke — ^it's broke? "N^Tiat wuU a dae? — ^what 
 WTiU a dae ? 
 
 It tm-ned oiit that the young scapegrace had 
 seen one of the servants go into a store closet in 
 the room, and observed that it was filled with a 
 number of things .which just suited his fancy, such 
 as oranges, apples, preserves, et cceUra. He had 
 crept sHly in and had been enjoying himself to 
 repletion, when, as iU-luck would have it, he was 
 tempted to see what was in a large jar on the 
 highest shelf. The jar contained a mixture which 
 
118 A CATASTROPHE. 
 
 was used in the manufacture of porter, and was 
 placed there for the pturpose of settling. The 
 youthful M'Snee having got a finger-lick of some 
 of the stuff which had trickled over the side of 
 the jar, and which rather tickled his palate, 
 mounted upon a small barrel •with the intention 
 of taking it down; but as he could not reach 
 further than the bottom, he began to pull it 
 towards the edge of the shelf. The jar was very- 
 heavy, and its mouth was pretty wide. In pulling 
 it forward, the barrel slipped from under his feet, 
 while the jar toppled right over, mouth down- 
 wards, and dropped so exactly over his devoted 
 head, that it had all the appearance of a large hat 
 bashed over his eyes. Very fortunate was it for 
 the young rogue that nature had endowed him 
 with a pretty considerably hooked nose, which 
 arrested the further progress of the utensil, other- 
 wise he would to a certainty have been suffocated. 
 As it was, the streaming liquid besmeared him 
 from head to foot, and probably, after all, his 
 clock would have been wound up, had it not 
 happened that our two lovers were philandering 
 in the room. His nose was considerably damaged, 
 however, and his mother, who, along with the rest 
 of the guests, had just come in, declared in dole- 
 ful accents that " it was a' oot o' joint." It was 
 
A COUPLE OF CONFIDANTES. 119 
 
 said that it never recovered its pristine beauty, 
 but remaiaed a warning to all thievishly inclined 
 boys to beware of presses and jars. 
 
 This unfortunate accident broke up the party; 
 and the guests, with the exception of Mr. Poind, 
 took theu" departure. 
 
 Sneaker lost no time in seeing his aunt, Mrs 
 Pry, who, he knew, would be very anxious to 
 learn the result of the dinner party, for she had 
 built great hopes upon the fact of so many of the 
 members of Presbytery havuig met at the festive 
 board of one of the obj ectors. Her dutiful nephew, 
 therefore, made her acquainted with all that had 
 passed. Mrs Pry would have been more than a 
 woman if she could have kept this information to 
 herself. She had a confidante of long standing 
 in Mrs. Alister Fillyerglass, and feeling fidgetty 
 and uneasy until she could unburden her mind 
 to somebody, she sent over for that worthy 
 commh-e to discuss a cup of tea and scandal. 
 
 "Aweel, Mrs. Fillyerglass," she quietly ex- 
 claimed, as the portly figure of her fiiend entered 
 her small back parlour, "hoo are ye the nicht? 
 Hae ye ony news I" 
 
 "Deed no, Mrs. Pry, we a' expeo tae get 
 news fi-ae you, ye ken. Whar sud we gang 
 for news if no tae the Post-Offish? A hear that 
 
120 A COUPLE OF CONFIDANTES. 
 
 Mr. Quaighliorn and Roiy, the tailor, are kcepin' 
 better." 
 
 "Lord help us! Mrs, Filljerglass, that was 
 eui-ely an awfu' business." 
 
 "Nae doot o't, nae doot o't, Mi-s. Pry; they 
 were maist purged tae death. The doctor thocht 
 it was a veesitation o' the choleray murbus, an' 
 canna' mak' oot yet what was wrang wi' them." 
 
 " But can they no tell theirsells ? " 
 
 "Deed no; they say, as a'm tell't, that they 
 gaed wi' a paii- o' new breeks the minister ordered, 
 an' that M'Huistan took them ben an' gied them 
 some whusky, an' that in a wee they baith feelt 
 their wames lea-\Tn' them, an' they maist lost 
 their senses. The taillyer says the minister was 
 sitting foment hun, an' tho' he gat the troosers, 
 he wadna' pey for them, an' whan he was gaiui 
 tae tak' them awa', Huistan cam' an' pit him an' 
 Quaighhorn oot o' the hoose, an' he says he canna' 
 mind ony thing mair, for the nicht an- clean took 
 awa' his memory." 
 
 "But ye wud hear," said Mrs. Pry, "o' the 
 grand doings up by the ither nicht f 
 
 "Ou ay," rephed the other, "an' a hear," she 
 added, in a confidential tone, " that a young freen 
 o' yours is in a fan- wey tae mak' a guid match." 
 
 "D'ye tell me sae, Mrs. Fillyerglass ? Tak' 
 
A COUPLE OP CONFIDANTES. 121 
 
 anither cup o' tea — that's Campbell Blair's best 
 mixtur. A gar't tlie steward o' the Kob Roy 
 bring't doon frae Glasgae, A maun gie ye a 
 pickle o't hame vn' ye. It disna' need muckle 
 maskin'.'' 
 
 " A'm verra much obleeged tae ye. They tell 
 me yer nevey, for a'll no hide wha a mean, is sure 
 tae get the pairish." 
 
 " A'm sure a wish he wud ; but d'ye ken what 
 a heerd the day? They say the Rev. Mr. 
 M'Cringer has askit Mr. Ochtertyre tae liis manse 
 an' tae preech in his ku-k." 
 
 "Eh, michty! that surely canna' be, Mrs. Pry," 
 exclaimed the other, in astonishment. " Ma guid- 
 man aye tell't me Mr. M'Cringer was sair against 
 him." 
 
 "It's true enuch tho'," repeated the post- 
 mistress, " for my nevey tell't me this mornin'." 
 
 "An' what did he say aboot it?" 
 
 " Ou jist naething at a'. He didna' look tho 
 least flyed for't." 
 
 " D'ye railly tell me sae 1 It's unco strange, a 
 thinli:." 
 
 " Awell, a'm sure a dinna' ken, but they'll hae 
 their ain reasons for't, nae* doot. A'se warrant 
 things maun come tae a heed afore lang," she 
 added, "for a heep o' letters hae been passiag 
 
122 A COUPLE OP CONFIDANTES. 
 
 atween Mr. Oohtertyre an' aMr. Gabby Garrempey, 
 a wiiter in Embro'. Ye maunna speak a word 
 aboot it, ye ken," she whispered, looking cautiously 
 around. 
 
 " Losh pity me ! Mrs, Pry, a wad as sune eat aff 
 ma wee finger." 
 
 " Weel, ye see, ane o' thae letters cam' open. 
 They'd forgot tae pit a wafer on't, an' a jist 
 thocht a wud tak" a peep intil't; an' ye ken, Mr. 
 Garrempey's comin' doun here next week, an' he 
 gies direcshuns what's tae be dune. A canna' 
 mind them the noo, but ma nevey took a copy o't, 
 an' a jist pit a bit wafer on't, an' naebody '11 be 
 the wiser." 
 
 " Wasna' that lucky, noo ! It was jist provi- 
 dential." 
 
 "Dinna' tell yer guidman onything aboot it, 
 for ye ken men sudna' know woman's secrets," 
 
 "Hoots, awa'I Mrs. Pry, d'ye think a'm daft? 
 — ^na, na, it'll ne'er be telt by me." 
 
 " They tell me," resumed the other, " that this 
 Mr. Poind, wha's up in the big hoose, an' wha's tae 
 ack for us, is a rale clever man, an' my nevey thinks 
 he's thravidn' sheep's een at Miss M'Phillabeg. 
 He says he heerd whan they were oot walking 
 the ither nicht, he was maldn' love tae the lassie, 
 an' she seemed to be verra weel pleesed wi' him," 
 
BEBACH OF PROMISE. 123 
 
 "She's a steerin' liizzy," replied the other, 
 " but disna want for sense aithers. A think she's 
 got a saft side for Mr. Porter, A see her in the 
 kirk gey an' aften looking at him in a wey that 
 mak's me think there's something atween them." 
 
 In this way the worthy couple spent the even- 
 ing, until Mrs. Fillyerglass announced that it was 
 time "tae gae hame an' gie ma guidman his 
 supper." Notwithstanding her solemn promise, 
 it is our painful duty to record that the worthy 
 matron gave her husband, within the hour, a full 
 true, and particular account of all that had passed, 
 and — a great deal more. 
 
C li A P T E R VIII. 
 
 EDINBURGH AND GLASGOW ECCLESIASTICAL LAWYEES — MESSES. 
 HOEN AND POIND, WRITERS, CANDLERIGGS, GLASGOW, AND MR. 
 GABBY GARREMPEY', S.S.O., HIGH STREET, EDINBURGH — THE 
 REV. MR. M'CRINGER TRIES TO MEASURE THE PRESENTEE'S 
 TROWSERS, AND HIS POWERS OF WALKING — HUISTAN M'HUISTAN 
 AND THE REV. DR. BROWSER. 
 
 ■1II"R. M'CRINGER had not departed with the 
 ■'" rest of the company, as it was arranged 
 that he and Pomd should spend the evening in 
 the house of Sheepshanks, in order finally to adjust 
 the objections. He also had it in view to carry 
 out Poind's suggestions, by invitmg the presentee 
 to preach for him. 
 
 The day after the dinner-party, M'Cringer paid 
 a -visit to the presentee. Huistan received him 
 with great civility, but was at a loss to understand 
 the reason of the visit, for he knew M'Ciinger to 
 be hand and glove with the objectors. He at fii-st 
 supposed that he had called on some formal busi- 
 ness connected with the meeting for moderating 
 in the call, but again he thought that it might be 
 something else, so he resolved to become an eaves- 
 dropper a second time. 
 
REV. ALISTER M'CRINGER. 125 
 
 " How do you do, Mr. Ochteftyre !" exclaimed 
 M'Ciinger, warmly, as lie entered No. 3. " I hope 
 you are quite well. I just called in passing to 
 say that it would be as well if you returned your 
 certificate to SnufFmull to be certified. It should 
 have been granted at a meeting of Presbytery, 
 and ought to have been signed by the moderator 
 and clerk, but you see it's only a certificate signed 
 by the clerk himself." 
 
 The Avily Presbyter made this an excuse for 
 his call. 
 
 " Pm very much obliged to you, Mr. M'Cringer. 
 I quite see the force of what you say, and shall 
 attend to it." 
 
 " You must be very dull here, my dear sir," 
 sympathetically remarked the visitor. " Why 
 don't you come and see some of us ? Pm sm-e we 
 would be glad to see you. In fact, you could do 
 me a favour on Sunday next if you're not engaged, 
 I foolishly promised Dr. Browser to preach for 
 him, relying upon having my own pulpit supplied 
 by some of our brethren, but I have been disap- 
 pointed. I have been trying to get assistance 
 from the missionary at Brose Athole, but he 
 has gone to Glasgow, and I'm at my wit's 
 end." 
 
 "I shall be very happy, sir, to take yotxr 
 
126 EEV. ALISTER M'CEINGEE. 
 
 pulpit," said the unsuspecting presentee. "No- 
 thing will give me greater pleasure." 
 
 " You have relieved me from an unpleasant 
 difficulty, Mr. Ochtertyre, and I feel very much 
 obliged to you. I shall send in the gig on Satur- 
 day forenoon, so that you will be out in time for 
 dinner, and we can have a pleasant walk over my 
 parish." 
 
 After some fm-ther conversation, M'Cringer 
 took his departure. 
 
 Huistan did not know what to make of all this. 
 His suspicions were aroused, but he had no tangible 
 groimds for them. He made some excuse for en- 
 tering the room shortly afterwards, when the 
 conversation turned upon this unexpected visit. 
 
 " I feel much obliged to Mr. M'Cringer," said 
 Mr. Ochtertyre, " for pointing out an informahty 
 in my certificate from the Presbytery clerk of 
 Snuffmull." 
 
 "Is there ony thing wrang wi't?" Huistan 
 asked, in a dubious voice. 
 
 " Oh, yes, it should have been signed by the 
 moderator at a meeting of Presbytery. He has 
 also asked me to preach for him on Sabbath fii-st> 
 and is to send his gig for me on Saturday forenoon. 
 He is to preach himself for Dr. Browser." 
 
 " Ay, ay," muttered Huistan. " A thocht the 
 
MR. GABBY GARREMPEY, S.S.C. 127 
 
 doctor an' him wasna' sich guid freens. A'm gaun 
 up tae tlie glebe the morn tae look at some young 
 beasts o' his, an' it's like a'U hae a crack wi' him, 
 for he mak's a dure bargain." 
 
 It soon became known in the village that the 
 presentee was to preach in the parish of Ochon- 
 ochree. It was a puzzle to all but those in the 
 secret how this came about, and several people 
 began to think that the opposition was to be 
 abandoned. 
 
 In the midst of the speculations upon this 
 subject,' there arrived by the Rob Roy steamer, 
 Mr. Gabby Garrempey, S.S.C, Edinburgh, whom 
 the presentee had been advised to employ as his 
 agent. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey had been regularly trained to 
 the law, and although not occupying a first posi- 
 tion in the profession, had a large and pretty 
 lucrative practice* He was a sharp practitioner, 
 not over fastidious as to the class of cases he con- 
 ducted, but he had a code of honour of his own, 
 and seldom took advantage of a professional 
 brother, unless he had been ill-ireated himself, or 
 it were of paramount importance to the interests 
 of his client to do so. His accounts were what is 
 called "pretty salt;" but he someho'Wr managed 
 to pass the auditor more Successfully than most 
 
128 MR. GABBY GARREMPEY, S.S.C. 
 
 of his brethren. He was exacting in payment, 
 but was known, in peculiar circumstances, to do a 
 generous thing. Generally you might depend 
 upon his word when he did give it, but he could 
 economise the truth if the occasion requii-ed it, 
 without positively telling a falsehood. He had 
 sense enough to know, that telling a lie was about 
 the worst thing a lawyer could do. In this 
 respect, and iadeed in every other, he was 
 different from his opponent, Pomd. Garrempey 
 had the advantage of a good education, received 
 in the High School of Edinburgh, but had not con- 
 nection, nor elevation of character enough to 
 secure what it is usual to caU respectable prac- 
 tice. He was, besides, rather fond of an extra 
 tumbler. He did not go so far in that way as 
 Poind did in eating, for, although the latter was 
 certainly a glutton, Gan-empey could not, by any 
 means, be called a drunkard. He had been 
 engaged in church cases more or less fi-om his 
 entering the office of Messrs. M'^Vhibble and 
 Wham, W.S. ; he knew every turn and twist in such 
 actions, whether proceeding upon a fama clamosa 
 et puhlica frequens, or in the opposition to the 
 settlement of a presentee. He was also thoroughly 
 up in the mysteries of the Teind Court; — was at 
 home in localities, chalders, and free and imex- 
 
MR. GABBY GAEEEMPEY, S.S.C. 129 
 
 hausted teinds. He had successfully managed 
 ■some cases for Huistan, notably the one between 
 him and Puncheon, m the Court of Session, and it 
 was upon the strong recommendation of the 
 worthy publican, that he had been employed by 
 the presentee. 
 
 Huistan, like most litigious individuals, was 
 possessed with an immense admiration for a 
 successful lawyer. It is the only species of hero- 
 worship in which persons of that class ever 
 indulge, and great, therefore, was the curiosity 
 of Huistan, to see the man who had done so well 
 for himself, and who, he had no doubt, would do 
 much for the presentee. 
 
 Garrempey was a man of about sixty years of 
 age, stout, with a full florid face, and quick, 
 cunning, grey eye, a round glossy bald head, and 
 rather retrousse nose, which usually held, in solu- 
 tion, a considerable quantity of Taddy's mixture, 
 necessitating the frequent application of a brown 
 pocket handkerchief. He always wore a white 
 neckcloth and frilled shirt, both of which furnished 
 undeniable evidence of the existence of a servitude 
 of nasal stillicide. A suit of rusty black, a beaver 
 hat, and Blucher boots, completed his outer man. 
 His appearance was what a snob would call 
 decidedly "seedy," but Garrempey cared very 
 
130 CONSULTATION. 
 
 little for outward appearances. A massive gold 
 chain dangled from the watch pocket of his 
 breeches, which were not fashioned with the smart 
 front buttons and side pockets which adorn those 
 worn by modern dandies. In consultation he had 
 a habit of putting one leg over the other, and 
 resting his elbow on the uppermost, with his 
 silver snuff-box in his hand, which he tapped and 
 opened when about to deliver an oracular opinipn 
 upon the question under discussion. 
 
 Garrempey was warmly received by Huistan, 
 and was soon introduced to his reverend cUent. 
 The former gave him a full account of all that had 
 taken place in the parish, and also a particular 
 description of the parties who were takiug the 
 lead in the opposition. Huistan knew all and 
 everything about them ; their motives, and hopes 
 in the matter. He also went over the characters 
 and conduct of their coadjutors, Quaighhorn, 
 Fillyerglass, and Smites. The members of Pres- 
 bytery were also trotted out; the history and 
 character of each and all of them duly related. 
 Before this consultation, which lasted nearly three 
 hours, came to an end, Gai-rempey was in posses- 
 sion of all the facts of the case, and had taken 
 copious notes. 
 
 " If Mr. M'Cringer is the sort of man yoxi say 
 
CONSULTATION. 131 
 
 he is, Mr. M'Huistan, he must have some sinister 
 object under this invitation to our client." 
 
 "A doot it, a doot it, Mr. Garrempey; but 
 though a've been thinkin' a' day, a canna' weel 
 see what the cratur's aboot." 
 
 " Have you any idea what the objections are 
 to be f said Garrempey. " If we knew that, we 
 might be able to guess." 
 
 "Na," replied Huistan, "they're keepin' that 
 tae theirsells jist yet; but they hae a miserable 
 writer body frae Glasgae wi' them, makin' them 
 oot, a hear." 
 
 " Oh, iadeed; who is hef 
 
 " They ca' him Poind, a thinli." 
 
 "Oh, I see, of Horn and Poind, writers?" 
 
 "The same, a hae nae doot; he's a fearfu' 
 eater, a was tauld, by ane o' Porter's servants, 
 an' they say he's looking aifter a niece o' Mrs. 
 M'Corkscrew's." 
 
 While this conversation was going on, a letter 
 was handed to Mr. Ochtertyre, cmriously folded, 
 the wax of which had been evidently sealed with 
 a thimble. After reading it, he handed it to Mr. 
 Garrempey, saying, " What can you make of that, 
 sir?" 
 
 Garrempey hastily glanced over it, and quietly 
 f eraarked, " I see it all jiow," 
 
132 TAKE CAEE OF YOUR TBOWSERS. 
 
 " Wliat d'ye see f eagerly exclaimed Huistan. 
 
 " I shall read the letter, and you can form your 
 own opinion, Mr. M'Huistan." 
 
 The letter, which was written in a very irregular 
 hand, ran as follows : — 
 
 " Keverent and Dear Sur, 
 
 " This comes fur tae inforum you, that if ye gang tae 
 Mr. M'Cringer's hoose, ye'd better tak' care o' yer troosers. 
 I am, 
 
 " Yeu Weel Wisher." 
 
 There was neither date nor signature. 
 
 " Weel, weel," sighed Huistan, " that beats a' !" 
 Starting up suddenly, he rushed to the head of 
 the stair, and called out — 
 
 " Tonald, wha brocht that letter?" 
 
 " A callan frae the clachan," promptly repUed 
 Donald. 
 
 " Ein awa' aifter him, an' say that a hae tae 
 gie him a saxpence. Be sure an' bring him back." 
 
 The boy was back in no time. Huistan took 
 him into his own room. 
 
 " Ye were in a great hurry, ma wee man," said 
 Huistan, kindly — :" here's a saxpence for ye. A 
 maun write an answer tae the letter, but a canna' 
 mak' oot the name verra weel. Jist gie me the 
 richt address for fear o' ony mistake." 
 
TAKE CARE OF YOUR TEOWSERS. 133 
 
 " She tell't me no to say wha sent me," said the 
 boy, timorously. 
 
 " Ou ay, a ken that, but she meent that ye 
 werna tae tell strangers. D'ye no see that f 
 
 " Weel, a daursay," said the boy. 
 
 "A maun -wrrite an answer," said Huistan, 
 coaxiagly; "an' a canna' mak' oot hoo tae spell her 
 name in English. If ye wud jist say't in Gaelic, 
 a could mak' it oot better." 
 
 " Sebnaid Nic Gngair" said the boy, which, 
 being interpreted, means Jess M'Gregor. 
 
 ■" Ou ay, jist sae, a can mak' it a' oot noo ;" and 
 giving the boy a huge piece of bannock and cheese, 
 he told him that he could go. 
 
 Huistan having thus cleverly ascertained the 
 name of the writer of the letter, at once rejoined 
 his Mends up stairs. 
 
 " Well, have you found out anything ?" asked 
 Garrempey. 
 
 "Yes," said Huistan, "a ken wha wrote the 
 letter — ^it's ane o' Porter's servants. Her faither 
 works tae me, an' a ken that she thinks an unco 
 heep o' Mr. Ochtertyre, but, of coorse, she'll be 
 feared to say that whar she's the noo." 
 
 " Couldn't we get her down here for half-an- 
 hour?" said Garrempey. "I see she's aware of some- 
 thing that it would be important for us to know." 
 
134 PUBLICAN VESSUS FAlRSOTif. 
 
 "A'U maun tliat easy enuch," said Huistan, 
 confidently. 
 
 " I think you sliould also see Dr. Browser, as 
 you suggested a little ago; but I would not 
 question him in such a way as would lead him to 
 speak to M'Cringer about it. I think you should 
 try to throw yourself in Mr. M'Cringer's way, 
 with one or two others, and bring the subject of 
 Mr. Ochtertyre's going to preach for him up, and 
 try if you can get him to say that he is to preach 
 for Dr. Browser. If it's a lie, we can make good 
 use of it when the evidence comes up." 
 
 " A'U dae that, Mr. Garrempey, a'U dae that. 
 He'll no hae left the village yet ; he's some sheep 
 tae sell, an' a think a ken whaur tae fin' him." 
 
 " In the meantime," said Garrempey, " if you 
 can spare me one of your men who kiiows the 
 parish, I'll take a stroll about to make myself 
 acquainted with the localities." 
 
 " Tonald's yom- man, Mr. Garrempey ; he kens 
 aboot the pairish an' the case as weel's me." 
 
 We shall leave Mr. Garrempey to pursue his 
 walk, and follow the operations of Huistan. His 
 first care Avas to fall in with Mr. M'Cringer, having 
 secured two supporters upon whom he could rely, 
 to come up when he had got the rev. gentleman 
 into conversation. He was not long in finding 
 
fUBLICAN rSBSffS 'PARSOi^. 135 
 
 the incumbent of Oclionocliree, wliom he saw 
 emergmg from the dwelling of the estimable 
 Quaighhom, who by this time had recovered from 
 the effects of his late misadventure. 
 
 Huistan passed M'Criager at first with a nod, 
 but tinning suddenly, he said, 
 
 "By the bye, Mr. M'Cringer, hae ye ony sheep 
 tae sell the noo ?" 
 
 The latter at once looked round. He knew 
 that Huistan was generally liberal in his price, 
 and quickly answered, 
 
 "Oh, yes, Mr. M'Huistan, I can give you a 
 score." 
 
 "Weel," said Huistan, looking towards his 
 friends, "a selt four score tae Archie Camp- 
 bell there, thinking that a had them, but ma 
 shepherd says that he wants twa dozen tae 
 mak' up the lot, as he selt as mony tae a Glasgae 
 butcher." 
 
 By this time the parties had come up. 
 
 " Well, I think I can give you the two dozen, 
 Mr. M'Huistan, and I'm sure we wont quarrel about 
 the price." 
 
 " Weel," said the other, " a'U trive ower in a 
 day or twa an' look at them. WuU that dae, 
 Archie f said he, addressing one of the parties he 
 had previously spoken to. 
 
136 PUBLICAN VSSSUS FAUSO^. 
 
 " Ou, ay, it'll dae verra weel, but a wad need 
 them on Monday first." 
 
 " Weel, if a cud gang on Saturday, a wud trive 
 them ower on Monday," 
 
 " I have it," said little M'Cringer ; "just come 
 over -with Mr. Ochtertyre, he's to preach for me 
 on Sunday." 
 
 " Ou, ay, he telt me that ye were gaun tae 
 preech for Dr. Browser." 
 
 " Yes, the doctor has asked me to preach for 
 him, and Mr. Ochtertyre has kindly consented to 
 supply my pulpit. If you'll take pot luck with us, 
 I'll be very glad. You can look at the sheep, and 
 I've some young beasts that you might take a 
 fancy to. — ^I'm sorry I can't ask you to stay over 
 Sunday, as there are plasterers at work in the only 
 bed-room I could oifer you." 
 
 " Oh, a couldna' think o' that, Mr. M'Cringer. 
 A can tell Tonald tae meet me wi' the gig at the 
 toll." 
 
 " That will do very well ; I shall send in for you 
 at eleven o'clock on Satm-day, Good bye." 
 
 " Ye heerd that," said Huistan, addressing his 
 friends. — "He said Dr. Browser asked him tae 
 preech for him. Noo, as ye valoo oor cause, say 
 naething aboot this ; come awa', an' we'U hae a 
 bit gill ower the heed o't." 
 
EEV. DE. POMPEIUS BROWSER. 137 
 
 Next morning Huistan yoked his gig and drove 
 over to the parish of Blairorgan, to call upon the 
 Rev. Dr. Browser. The worthy doctor was a man 
 of very stiff and dignified manners. He had seen 
 good society in his youth ; indeed it was said by 
 some people, that he had been an officer in the 
 army. At all events, he had for several years 
 held a charge in connection with the Church of 
 Scotland in England, and there was a refinement 
 both ia his manner and a,ppearance which. con- 
 trasted very favourably with the roughness of the 
 majority of his co-presbyters. He was passionate, 
 however, and easily offended, and not very ready 
 to forgive. In consequence, he was continually 
 in hot water. He generally took a side and kept 
 it, through thick and thin. He was no fiiend of 
 M'Gringer's, although he was obliged to exchange 
 the ordinary courtesies of a gentleman with him. 
 He received Huistan very kindly ; in fact he was 
 rather a favourite, more by token that he always 
 got from him the best price for his stock. After 
 a bargain as to some beasts, had been concluded, 
 to the satisfaction at least, of the doctor, and the 
 everlasting usquebaugh had been placed upon the 
 table, the latter asked, 
 
 " Any news in your parish ? I hear there's to 
 be an opposition to the presentee." 
 
138 REV. DK. tOMPElUS MOWSEE. 
 
 " Ou ay, there's a talk o' that. He's staying in 
 ma Loose, an' am sure a quieter or mair civiller 
 man, or a mair pious ane, ne'er entered a pulpit." 
 
 " I have heard good accounts of him," said the 
 doctor, " from a friend of mine in SnuffmuU. I 
 must go over and see him one of these days, 
 before his call is moderated in." 
 
 " It wud be very kind o' ye, doctor. He has 
 nae freens except mysel'. What they ca' the 
 aristocracy o' the pairish is a' against him." 
 
 " Aristocracy !" muttered the doctor, -with con- 
 tempt. " The aristocracy of BcsotiaV 
 
 " 0' what did you say, doctor f said Huistan. 
 
 " Never mind, Huistan, it's notliing but a word. 
 Tell Mr. Ochtertyre that I'll drive over and see 
 him next week." 
 
 Huistan now resolved to go cautiously to work 
 to find out whether M'Cringer had been stating 
 the truth as to the preaching. So he said — 
 
 " There's a Mr. Garrempey come doim frae 
 Embro' to stay wi' us, I advised Mr. Ochtertyre 
 tae consult him, as the opposite pahty hae a 
 writer frae Glasgae gaun through the pau-ish. 
 He's a rale clever man, Mr. Garrempey." 
 
 " Oh, I know him well," said the doctor, smil- 
 ing ; " the very man for a chm-ch case." 
 
 "■ Aweel, we were jist thinking," said Huistan, 
 
REV. DS. POMPEltJS BROWSER. I39 
 
 slowly, " to drive ower on Sunday fii-st tae hear 
 ye preech. Mr. Garrempey said it was a lang 
 time since lie had heerd ye, an' that was in ane o' 
 the city churches in Embro." 
 
 " I'll be very glad if you do ; and you can both 
 stay and take your dinner with me. Mrs. Browser 
 and the family are away at Bridge of Allan, so 
 I'm quite alone." 
 
 " Then ye'U be preeching yersel, doctor ?" 
 
 " Of course I will. What makes you ask that 
 question f 
 
 " A'm feart a maun be confuising things," said 
 Huistan, " but it's running in ma heed that some- 
 body said that ye were ta hae a supply on 
 Sabbath." 
 
 " Nonsense, nonsense ! you must be thinking 
 of some one else." 
 
 "Jist that," said Huistan. "Aweel, doctor, 
 guid bye, an' we'll be sure to be ower in time 
 for the aiffcernoon discoorse." 
 
 So the indefatigable Huistan di'ove home, 
 chuckling at the success of his mission. He had 
 all but secured the doctor, and had found out 
 M'Cringer. 
 
CHAPTER IX. 
 
 A lawyer's plan for defeatino a clerical stratagem — 
 
 THE presentee's POWERS OF WALKING TESTED— MEETING 
 OF ELDERS — M'CRINGER'S DISAPPOINTMENTS — DINNER AT 
 DR. browser's manse. 
 
 TI UISTAN lost no time in acquainting Garrem- 
 ■^^ pey witli the result of his enquiries. 
 
 "You've done very well, indeed, Mr. M'Huistan," 
 said the lawyer. " There's just one thing, how- 
 ever, you must manage. You'll require to get 
 hold of the girl who wrote the letter." 
 
 " She's tae be here the nicht. A forgot tae 
 tell ye that a ca'd on her faither on ma wey back. 
 The haill faimily's strongly in favour of Mr. 
 Ochtertyre." 
 
 The girl in due time made her appearance, and 
 was thoroughly precognosced. It was ascertained, 
 that the purpose of inviting the presentee to 
 preach for M'Cringer was merely to get up evi- 
 dence against him. There was no doubt that 
 Mr. Ochtertyre had a halt, but so shght, that it 
 was not much noticed. It had not, however, 
 escaped the eyes of M'Cringer. Garrempey also 
 
COUNTERMINING. 141 
 
 ascertained tliat it was intended to send parties 
 to Snjiffmiill to get np evidence there. It was 
 arranged that Jess- should give intimation of the 
 time when these parties were to depart on their 
 mission, and to inform Huistan, if possible, who 
 they were. 
 
 After she had gone, a consultation took place. 
 
 "Now, Mr. Ochtertyre," said Garrempey, 
 tapping his box, and inhaling a large pinch of 
 his favourite Taddy, " I see through the tactics 
 of our opponents. How far is it," addressing 
 Huistan, "to the manse of Ochonochree'?" 
 
 "Fifteen miles." 
 
 " Can you walk that distance, Mr. Ochtertyref 
 
 " Certainly, and fifteen more." 
 
 "All right. You can do the same, Mr. 
 M'Huistanr' 
 
 " Ou ay, an' a bittock mair." 
 
 "Well, then, I'll tell you what you must do. 
 You're going there about the sheep I think, on 
 Saturday. Get Donald to go with you; he's 
 intelhgent and discreet. Instead of waiting for 
 M'Crihger's gig, take shanks' naggie for it, and 
 be there by twelve o'clock. If you meet the gig, 
 say that there" are too many of you, and you 
 haven't far to , go — that you'll just walk on. 
 That'll take the wind out of M'Cringer's s#s," 
 
us COUNTERMINING. 
 
 "Do you think I should preach for him, Mr. 
 Garrempey, after what has transpired?" 
 
 "By all means — and be sm-e, Mr. M'Huistan, 
 that you have a good number of our supporters 
 in M'Cringer's chui'ch on Sunday." 
 
 " A'U see tae that, Mr. Garrempey, never fear." 
 
 " And, Mr. Ochtertyre," added the latter, with 
 a grim smile, "recollect the girl's advice, and 
 take care of your breeks. Don't keep me waiting 
 for you long, Mr. M'Huistan," he significantly 
 added, " for Sattu'day night's always a dull one 
 with me, and I don't care to mix my tumbler 
 alone." 
 
 " Ou, a'll be back in guid time for the toddy, 
 Mr. Garrempey, dinna' be feared; an' ye ken," 
 rubbing his hands, "we maun be moderate, for 
 we hae tae be wi' the doctor on Sunday. Tonald 
 '11 look aifter gettin' the folk tae gang till the 
 kirk in Ochonochree. He'll herd them like a coUey 
 dowg." 
 
 On Saturday morning, accordingly, the trio 
 departed for M'Cringer's manse. It was a fine 
 morning, and they got over the ground briskly. 
 They were all good walkers, and, as expected, 
 they met M'Cringer's gig. On telling the lad 
 that they would walk on, he drove forward, as he 
 liad to get sopie things in the village. Arriving 
 
APPKOACHING THE ENEMY. 143 
 
 at the manse, they found M'Crmger and two of 
 his elders sitting together in the parlour. The 
 former could not conceal his chagrin, when he 
 found how matters stood, 
 
 "Confound it!" he said to himself, "this is 
 very imlucby. What on earth could have 
 persuaded them to walk f 
 
 Huistan at once divined what was passing 
 through his mind, and said, 
 
 " Ye'U be sui-prised tae see us here sae sune, 
 Mr. M'Cringer, but the, fac' is, a couldna sleep 
 weel last nicht, an' a got up sooner than ordinar, 
 an' as it was sic a fine mornin', a jist thocht we 
 wad hae a bit walk, as Mr. Ochtertyre hasna' 
 been oot sae muckle o' late wi' bad weather, an'," 
 he added, as he saw M'Cringer looking suspici- 
 ously out of the window at Donald, " a jist brocht 
 Tonald wi' us, in case we micht mak' a bargain 
 the day, as he cud trive ower the sheep." 
 
 This seemed to reassure M'Cringer, and to put 
 him into good humom-. 
 
 After introducing the elders, M'Cringer pro- 
 duced his bottle, and a lively conversation ensued. 
 
 "My elders, Mr. Ochtertyre, have paid me a 
 visit to arrange as to which of them will attend 
 the meeting next week for moderating in j^our 
 pall," 
 
144 APPEOACHING THE ENEMY. 
 
 M'Cringer's real object, as we have seen 
 already, was to have them as witnesses to speak 
 to the presentee's powers of walking. 
 
 "It's a fashions thing, Mr. Ochtertyre," 
 remarked one of these worthies, "tae gae sic 
 distances to attend meetings; a hope there'll be 
 nae mair o' them." 
 
 The rogue never intended to go at all, and 
 was as anxious as his leader to see an opposition 
 got up. 
 
 After some fiu-ther conversation, they de- 
 parted, M'Cringer wisely judging that in this 
 instance at least, it would be better to let 
 sleeping dogs lie. Accordingly they all, with 
 the exception of the elders, proceeded to the 
 sheep fank, and examined M'Cringer's stock. 
 Huistan, after a careful inspection, managed 
 adroitly to put off making an immediate 
 bargain. 
 
 They then proceeded to examine the black 
 cattle, and here Huistan, who really required some, 
 purchased two, making, by the way, a very fan 
 bargain. After dinner and a few tumblers, 
 Huistan took his departure, having previously 
 arranged that his own gig should take up him- 
 self and his faithful henchman, Donald Frisheal, 
 on the way. 
 
APPEOACHTNG THE ENEMY. 145 
 
 " A tliink we haena dune jist sae bad for the 
 last twa-three days, Tonaldf 
 
 "No sae bad, at a'," laconically replied the 
 Frisheal. 
 
 " Did you'U saw that M'Cringer didna daur tae 
 ask Mr. Ochtertyre tae walk the day ? Thae twa 
 rascals o' elders was there for nae ither purpose 
 but tae be witnesses agin him." 
 
 "Mind noo, Tonald," he continued, after a 
 pause, " what ye've tae dae the morn. Ye'U hae 
 tae see as mony o' oor freens as ye can, the nicht, 
 an' tell them," he added slily, " that they're a' tae 
 come tae oor hoose when they get back frae the 
 ku'k, an' ye needna' spare the whusky, only ye'U 
 min' the Lord's-day, an' dinna let them get, fou' 
 — -jist a bit refreshment, ye ken, some bread an' 
 cheese." 
 
 " Ou, ay, a'll min' that." 
 
 " Ye ken, Mr. Garrempey an' me's gaun ower 
 tae tak' oor denner wi' the doctor, an' we'll no be 
 back afore ten o'clock. Ye can tell them tae pit 
 Peg in the kig, as she's gey canny, an' kens the 
 road. A'm no sae ,guid noo at triving in the dark, 
 an' the doctor's whusky 's unco strong." 
 
 " Ay, ay," replied Donald. 
 
 The position of Mr. Ochtertyre was anything 
 but pleasant. He found himself the guest of a 
 
146 SKIRMISHING. 
 
 man whom he now Icnew to be a secret and 
 unscruptilons eueiny. He would have given 
 anytliing to be sitting in his quiet little room, in 
 the hostelry of his friend Huistan ; but Garrempey 
 had recommended him to go through with the 
 work, and he resolved to do it. It was very 
 difficult for him, however, to keep up anything 
 like a cheerful conversation with an individual 
 Avhom, m his heart, he could only despise. He 
 would have been more than human could he have 
 felt otherwise. 
 
 The lad by and bye retm-ned with the gig, and 
 M'Cringer went to the door. He came back 
 smiling, holding in his hand what appeared to be 
 a note, and said, 
 
 " I find I won't have to preach for the doctor 
 after all — he has changed his muid, so I shall not 
 be imder the necessity of leaving you by yovu-self. 
 "What do you say to take a tm-n out?" The sly 
 fox saw that there was some appearance of rain. 
 
 "I have no objection," replied the other; so 
 away they went. M'Cringer walked pretty 
 sharply, with the view, doubtless, of getting as far 
 from shelter as possible, before the shower began. 
 He led the way over the most rugged and marshy 
 part of his parish, and the ill-assorted pair tradged 
 on, talking now and then upon indifferent sub- 
 
3 
 
 o 
 
 U 
 
 X 
 
 I- 
 o 
 I- 
 
 w 
 o 
 
 Id 
 
 -I 
 
LEGS TO THE RESCUE. 147 
 
 jects. They would be about four or five miles 
 fi-om tbe manse when the rain began to fall in 
 torrents. 
 
 "I think we must tm"n now," observed 
 M'Cringer. "I'm sony we didn't think of 
 bringing umbrellas. AVho could have thought 
 that it would rain like this, after such a fine 
 day?" 
 
 " Oh ! I'm quite used to this sort of thing, Mr. 
 M'Cringer. Lochspelding's a rauiier parish than 
 yours, and a good deal rougher, so far as I can 
 judge." 
 
 " Hum ! It can hardly be so bad as the parishes 
 about here. Don't you feel tned '? I hope you 
 haven't straiued yom* leg. I thought! saw you 
 limpiug a little." 
 
 "Not in the least tii-ed, I assm-e you," quietly 
 replied the other, "I could walk back to Porter- 
 bier, and further, if necessary, I think we might 
 take this burn instead of going round about," and 
 with a short race he cleared a broad and deep 
 ditch, with an agility that fairly took the breath 
 fi-om M'Cringer — ^more particularly as the feat was 
 observed by his man, Thomas, who had just made 
 his appearance with the gig to take them home. 
 By this time, however, both pedestrians were 
 pretty well wet through. 
 
148 tJN MAUVAIS QUART D'HEUEE. 
 
 On getting home, M'Cringer lost no time in 
 Betting to work. 
 
 " Come up stairs, Mr. Ochtertyre, and I'll show 
 you your room ; I'm going to change my clothes, 
 and I think you had better do the same," he added, 
 in his blandest manner. 
 
 " It's not worth while," said his guest, " as we'll 
 be going to bed soon ; besides, I have not brought 
 any change with me." 
 
 " Tut, tut ! my dear sir, never mmd that. I 
 can supply you from my own wardrobe in a minute. 
 It's a very dangerous thing to sit with wet clothes : 
 you'll be sure to catch cold, and I should be so sorry 
 if you got it while with me. Be persuaded — ^you 
 will be hoarse to-morrow to a certainty, if you 
 don't, and I want you to make a good appearance 
 before my parishioners." 
 
 " No, thank you, I really do not like to trouble 
 you, I am quite accustomed to wet. It never does 
 me any harm." 
 
 " Well, well, a wilfu' man maun hae his way, 
 as the saying is," said M'Cringer, hardly able to 
 conceal his mortification. 
 
 " This is your bed-room, Mr. Ochtertyre," he 
 added, in a voice almost rude with suppressed 
 rage. 
 
 "Just so," quietly remarked the other,- and 
 
UN MA.XJVAIS QUART D'HEURE. 149 
 
 after looking in, lie -walked slowly down stairs 
 again. 
 
 " Confound it !" muttered M'Cringer, when lie 
 got into his own room, " every thing seems to be 
 running counter to our plans in this matter. He 
 cannot have any suspicion of our intentions, and 
 yet we seem to be checkmated at every move ; 
 but he will have no objection, at all events, to 
 having his trowsers dried when he goes to bed. 
 It's the only chance." 
 
 By and bye the time arrived for family worship. 
 In the interval, M'Cringer had endeavoured to 
 make the bottle go round as quickly as possible, 
 with the idea, no doubt, of putting his guest in a 
 merry mood, but he was only successful in produc- 
 ing that effect upon himself. The presentee, at 
 all times an abstemious man, was thoroughly on 
 his guard. 
 
 It is usual to ask a ministerial visitor to lead 
 the family worship on such occasions as the one 
 in question, and M'Cringer took especial care to 
 place his chair at a convenient distance behind 
 his guest, where he could have a full view of his 
 locomotive outfit. Do what he would, he could 
 not keep his eyes off the legs. He fancied he saw 
 distinctly that one was shorter than the other. 
 No ! he could not be deceived ; the right ankle 
 
ISO UN MAUVAIS QUART D'HEURE. 
 
 was considerably larger than the left. In the 
 course of his prayer, the presentee used the words 
 " the days of our lives are few and short " — " Very 
 short indeed," involuntarily muttered M'Cringer, 
 his eyes and thoughts fixed only upon the stout 
 little pair of stumps before him ; and he sighed, 
 but only to think that their muscular flexors and 
 extensors enabled their owner to walk some 
 twenty miles, and to leap a burn which he himself 
 would not have faced, even when he was a 
 youth. 
 
 It was now time to retire, and M'Cringer felt 
 that the supreme effort must be made. The toddy 
 he had taken had renewed his confidence, some- 
 what shaken after his first repulse. 
 
 " I'll see you to yom* room, Mr. Ochtertyre," he 
 said at last, with feome hesitation. 
 
 " Oh, never mind ; I'll find my way." 
 
 " No, no ; I can't think of allowing you to do 
 that. Mary," he called, addressing one of the 
 servants, " bring candles," 
 
 So they went upstaii-s. 
 
 " Mary," he said again, and there was a slight 
 tremour in his voice, as if the fear of being unsuc- 
 cessful had affected his articulation, " Mi*. Ochter- 
 tyre will give you his clo — clo — ^his trowsers to 
 dry at the kitchen fii-e, as they are very damp and 
 
TROWSERS TRIUMPH. 
 
TROWSEKS TRIUMPH. 151 
 
 dii-ty ■with mud, and you'll see and have them well 
 brushed in the morning." 
 
 « Yes, sii-." 
 
 "j^Never mind, Mary," mildly interposed Mr. 
 Oohtertyre, "they're quite dry now. I can get 
 them brushed in the morning if it's necessary." 
 
 " My dear sii- !" almost imploringly interrupted 
 M'Cringer, " they'll not be decent to-morrow, un- 
 less thoroughly dried and brushed, and, of course, 
 your appearance will be well scanned. On my 
 account, as well as your own, I think you ought 
 to have your clothes in decent order." 
 
 " They'll be all right, I have no doubt," coolly 
 replied the other. " Good night." 
 
 So saying, he quietly closed the door. 
 
 The discomfited M'Cringer, as he stood with 
 the candle in his hand, looking now at the door 
 through which his intended victim had disap- 
 peared, now at the servant, who stood, not know- 
 ing what to make of it, would have been a fine 
 study for a painter. Excited with rage, diink, 
 and disappointment, he could not speak, but 
 dashing the candle on the floor, he hurriedly 
 sought his own apartment. 
 
 It may easily be imagined that the breakfast- 
 table next morning was not a very cheerful one. 
 Consummate master as he wag of duplicity, 
 
152 TROWSERS TRIUMPH. 
 
 M'Crmger was not able wholly to conceal his 
 disappointment. What would Sheepshanks, Pun- 
 cheon, and Poind say to it? With every chance 
 in his favotu-, he had failed in two of the most 
 important points in then* case. In fact, he had 
 actually given the presentee the opportunity, not 
 merely of showing that he was a first-rate walker, 
 and could endiire wet and fatigue, but he was 
 also giving him the further chance of influencing 
 the miiids of the people by preaching just on the 
 eve of the moderation of his call. He had serious 
 thoughts of trying to prevent him preaching at 
 all, and of reading an old sermon of his own. But 
 whether it was that he had been in a manner 
 cowed by his successive defeats, or that the reac- 
 tion arising from the indulgence of the previous 
 evening had unnerved him, he had not the courage 
 to carry out tliis intention. 
 
 The forenoon service consisted, as usual, merely 
 of a lecture, which seemed to be received with 
 satisfaction by the congregation. M'Cringer was 
 astonished to see his church almost crammed, and 
 his chagrin was, in consequence, proportionally 
 increased. In the afternoon it was crowded 
 almost to suffocation. Hundreds of people from 
 the neighbouring parishes flocked to hear the 
 presentee, Ochonocliree being the most central 
 
DESBETma THE DIET. 153 
 
 part of tlie district. So numerous was the attend- 
 ance, that a large number were obliged to remain 
 outside, listening at the open windows. 
 
 The presentee chose for his text Amos, 3d 
 Chap, and 3d verse — "Can two walk together, 
 except they be agreed?" 
 
 On hearing the tiext, M'Cringer, accordiag to 
 Donald, who was present, and who, as we have 
 aheady mentioned, was deep in the secrets of the 
 case, gave a sudden start, and looked uneasily 
 about, thinking, like all guilty minds, that every- 
 body would suspect the meaning he himself drew 
 from it. 
 
 The sermon was excellent. Probably the 
 preacher had been wound up to a point un- 
 usually favourable to bitter and scorching elo- 
 quence, by the consciousness of the injuries 
 attempted to be iaflicted upon him, for Donald 
 and others declared that they had never heard 
 a more powerftil "discoorse." Not a whisper 
 was heard. There could be no doubt in the 
 mind of any one acquainted with the part 
 M'Cringer had played in this matter, that much 
 that was said would suit his case exactly, and 
 he thought so himself. 
 
 At the conclusion of the service, and on leav- 
 ing the vestry, Mr. Ochtertyre was warmly 
 
154 DESERTING THE DIET. 
 
 greeted by several of those who had been pre- 
 sent. He had evidently made a very favourable 
 impression upon all who heard him, and who 
 were not immediately under the influence of his 
 enemies. 
 
 " Are ye gaun back tae the manse, sir ? " en- 
 quired Donald. 
 
 "I think not; I'll rather walk home with you." 
 
 M'Cringer, anxious to put a stop to the demon- 
 stration, came up, and said hurriedly — 
 
 " Dinner will be waiting us, Mr. Ochtertyre." 
 
 " I thiok I'll just walk back to Porterbier, Mr. 
 M'Cringer, it's such a fine day, and I feel I would 
 be all the better for the walk." 
 
 M'Cringer's object was, if possible, to prevent 
 the presentee from mixing with the people, for a 
 very considerable number of them had to go the 
 same way. Here was an opportunity that the 
 presentee could not have again, as his call was to 
 be moderated in so soon. It would be contrary 
 to all rule for him to seek to mix with the 
 people himself; but he could not be said to have 
 sought this chance, and M'Cringer looked upon 
 it as another advantage thrown in his way. 
 
 "Well, well," he said, bitterly, "take yotir own 
 way, you'll perhaps regret it." 
 
 " I have done nothing that I require to regret, 
 
COVERS FOR THREE. 155 
 
 Mr. M'Criiiger. If you can conscientiously say as 
 much for yourself, it will be all the better for you 
 some day. Good bye." 
 
 So they parted, each of them feeling that there 
 was now an end to ceremony. 
 
 But let us retui-n to Huistan and Garrempey. 
 These two characters fotmd their way, in good 
 time, to Blairorgan; and, after having listened to 
 a very elegant discourse from the doctor, they 
 sat down to an equally elegant dinner, for the 
 reverend gentleman was a decided epiciu'e. 
 
 " Well, Garrempey," he said, after the cloth 
 was removed, apparently forgetting that he had 
 said it two or three times before, " I'm very glad 
 to see that Mr. Ochtertyre's in such experienced 
 hands as yours. I think you must have been 
 engaged in every church case of importance 
 within the last thirty or forty years." 
 
 "I have been in a good many of them. 1 
 remember when Jefirey, Cockburn, Moncrieff, and 
 others of the same standing, used to plead before 
 the Assembly, but somehow it strikes me that 
 rising men don't care much about appearing 
 now." 
 
 " How do you account for that 1" 
 
 " Well, there are various reasons. In the &st 
 place, the fees are not generally thought to be 
 
156 COVERS FOR THREE. 
 
 adequate, but I don't tliink that's the real cause. 
 There is a strong feeling at the bar that there's 
 very little chance of getting substantial justice 
 from the Assembly; that, in fact, it's a mere toss 
 up whether a man will be successful or not, what- 
 ever the merits of the case may be, or however 
 much trouble may be bestowed upon it. Then, 
 it's so much in the natm-e of a popular and mu'uly 
 meeting, that coimsel are liable to vexatious, and 
 frequently impertinent interruptions. Besides, 
 they feel that they are domineered over by yoiu- 
 Procm-ator, who, while affecting to sum up 'K'ith 
 impartiality, becomes, in almost every case, an 
 advocate for one side or the other. He makes 
 the most of his brief tenure of authority as a 
 judge in the Assembly en revanche for his being 
 nobody the rest of the year." 
 
 " There's a good deal of truth in what you say, 
 no doubt," replied the doctor; " but the Assembly 
 is not a bad school for a young advocate." 
 
 " I grant that ; but I Avas speaking of men well 
 up at the bar." 
 
 " I remember," said the doctor, " one occasion 
 when Jeffrey appeared. If I mistake not, it was 
 his first case in the Assembly, and the students 
 cheered him. There was a great row." 
 
 " Do you recollect," asked Garrempey, " when 
 
COVERS rOE, THREE. 157 
 
 Dr. Andrew Thomson gave Dean of Faculty Hope 
 such a drubbing? I think it was in the Little 
 Dunkeld case." 
 
 " I do. It was admirable. The Dean, in the 
 course of his remarks, was ridiculing forms, and, 
 if I remember rightly, the doctor, addressing the 
 Moderator, made use of the words — ' Sir, I love 
 forms, for they are the essential safeguards of 
 liberty and justice.' " 
 
 "Yes, I think he did; but things are very 
 much changed now." 
 
 The evening passed very pleasantly in remi- 
 niscences of this kind, and Garrempey had the 
 satisfaction of enlisting the doctor's sympathy, 
 and getting a promise of support for his client. 
 
 He and Huistan arrived safe and sound at the 
 "Inns" in Porterbier, Peg having performed her 
 part of the undertaking with credit to herself and 
 satisfaction to her driver. 
 
CHAPTER X. 
 
 MODERATING IN A CALL — SCENES THEREAT — D14M0ND CUT 
 DUMOND BETWEEN A GAELIC AND AN ENGLISH SERMON — 
 A CLERICAL CHAillPION APPEARS FOR THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 rPHE eventful day for moderating in tlie call at 
 -^ length arrived, and great was tlie stir created 
 in the parish. Vehicles of all descriptions came 
 pouring into the village of Porterbier. Parties 
 arrived from considerable distances to be present 
 at the ceremony. Hucksters and travelling dealers 
 in whisky and lemonade, soda water, and giagei- 
 beer, repaii-ed to the scene of action as to a fail*. 
 Everything, in short, bespoke a holiday. As the 
 various clergymen and elders made then- appear- 
 ance in cumbrous gigs, or mounted upon shaggy 
 Galloways, they came in for a fan- share of remarks 
 from the gaping groups at aU the available corners 
 from which the cavalcade could be seen. 
 
 M'Cringer Was one of the first who appeared. 
 
 "Eh, sirs, the day I" exclaimed Mrs. Pry, to 
 some of her neighbom-s at the door of the Post 
 Office, " but Mr. M'Cringer's no looking weel." 
 
 In truth the reverend gentleman was in any- 
 thing but good case. 
 
MODEEATING IN A CALL. 169 
 
 He stopped at M'Groggy's, where he saw his 
 friends Sheepshanks, Puncheon, and others, stand- 
 ing along with that redoubtable personage, Mr. 
 Sharper Poind, and his friend, the Rev. Mr. 
 Sneaker. 
 
 " Come away, Mr. M'Cringer," exclaimed Sheep- 
 shanks, cheerily, as if to infuse some spirit into 
 his friends, who were not looking by any means 
 hearty. " Got your letter*. Can't help the turn 
 matters have taken." 
 
 "No," said M'Cringer, dismounting from his 
 nag, " It is not in mortals to command success." 
 
 The party then adjom*ned to M'Groggy's large 
 room, and after the inevitable dram had been 
 called for and drank, they resolved themselves 
 into a conamittee of ways and means. 
 
 "There's no help," gravely observed Poind, 
 " for what's past. We must state om* objections 
 to-day, and can set vigorously about getting up 
 evidence afterwards. I have written to my clerk, 
 Timothy Casey, to come here by the first steamer. 
 If you can let me have two persons who know the 
 country, I will send him along with them to Snuff- 
 mull, because, I believe, we shall be able to get 
 evidence there of considerable importance." 
 
 " That should be done at once," said Puncheon* 
 " I can give them letters of introduction to Menda 
 
160 MODERATING IN A CALL. 
 
 in SnuffmuU, wlio will lend every assistance. 
 They will be able to inform them of the presentee's 
 whole history from his youth upwards. I imder- 
 stand, from a letter which I received the other 
 day, that he got his leg broken when a young 
 man, and he has been fi-equently heard to com- 
 plain of pain in it whUe walking ; and that he is 
 not able to endure much bodily fatigue. In fact, 
 we could, I daresay, get hold of the medical man 
 who attended his family." 
 
 " And, then," said Poind, with a chuckle, " of 
 course, we can put him in the box himself, and get 
 all we want out of him." 
 
 " Can you do that V asked Sheepshanks, doubt- 
 fully. 
 
 " Of course, we can. If you've been attending 
 to church cases, you must have seen that presentees 
 have been subjected to very rigid examinations. 
 We shall have no difficulty, Mr. M'Cringer, in this 
 matter, I hope, with your Presbytery f he said, 
 with a knowing wink. 
 
 " None, whatever," replied the other, who by 
 this time looked in rather better hiunour, from 
 the combined effects of potent usquebaugh, and 
 the hopeful aii- which was now thrown into the 
 business. 
 
 " Besides the objections purely personal to the 
 
MODERATING IN A CALL. 161 
 
 presentee," resumed Poind, " we shall, of course, 
 have to attack his sermons and services, and while 
 we will require a good many of the ordinary mem- 
 bers of the congregation to give evidence upon 
 these poiuts, it would be desirable to have parties 
 of education, and of a higher position to strengthen 
 their testimony." 
 
 "I think you heard the discourses, Mr. 
 Sneaker f he added. 
 
 " Oh, yes, and if I can be of any use, you may 
 rely upon me." 
 
 "By the bye," said Poind, again addressing 
 Sneaker, " have you the copy of that letter from 
 Garrempey to the presentee f 
 
 " Yes ; but of course you will say nothing about 
 it. I don't Uke my handwriting to be seen." 
 
 "I'll take care of that, Mr. Sneaker; I shall 
 make a copy myself, and destroy yours." 
 
 Poind then read the letter, which pointed out 
 to the presentee what it was necessary should be 
 done. 
 
 " You see," observed Poind, " what Garrempey 
 says about the call being left -with the parish 
 schoolmaster for signatm-e after the meeting to- 
 day. It's the usual thing, but I understand that 
 he's favourable to the presentee, and could, of 
 course, give facilities for its being signed pre- 
 
162 MODERATING IN A CALL. 
 
 viously to being retm-ned to tlie clerk of Pres- 
 bytery." 
 
 " We must keep it out of bis hands, if possible," 
 observed M'Cringer. " What do you say to Smites ? 
 He lives at a considerable distance from Porter- 
 bier, where the majority of those favourable to 
 the presentee reside, and could have occasion to 
 be pretty often out of the way." 
 
 " Eh V said he, looking at Puncheon. 
 
 "If you can manage it," replied the latter, 
 " Smites is the man. Of course, he'll do anything 
 for us," 
 
 "It must be done very delicately, however," 
 said M'Cringer, " for I'm not quite sm-e that we 
 are entitled to pass over the parish schoolmaster, 
 imless for very strong reasons ; and, unfortunately, 
 we can only say that he seems to have a favour- 
 able opinion of the presentee." 
 
 " Oh ! we can hit upon some reason for propos- 
 ing Smites," said Poind. " You must bring as 
 many objectors forward, to-day as possible, for 
 it's doubtful if any can be offered afterwards. At 
 all events, it is better to have all your forces 
 mustered now." 
 
 " We are attending to that," said Sheepshanks, 
 "I hope Quaighhom has not been sparing of the 
 •whisky. The fellows were to be all mustered m 
 
MODERATING IN A CALL. 163 
 
 the malt-room, and the women are to be up to 
 breakfast in the barn. I think one of us should 
 go and see that all's right." 
 
 " The hoor o' meetin's twa, a think," said Stirk. 
 "A'll tak' a stap up an' see that ma men and 
 women's there. Mony o' the people canna sign 
 their names," he added. "Who'll look aifter 
 thati" 
 
 " The Moderator," said M'Cringer, "will see to 
 it. Bring you up your supporters, and we'll see 
 to the signing." 
 
 In the meantime Garrempey and Huistan had 
 not been idle. They had gathered their friends 
 together, and resolved that the call should be 
 numerously signed. The shepherd left his flock, 
 and the hind his cattle. The ploughman hastily 
 imyoked his team, and, as the hour of two 
 approached, a continuous stream of persons 
 poured in the direction of the old parish church, 
 where the important meeting was to be held. 
 The curtain was now to be raised upon the first 
 act of this clerical drama, and no crowd ever 
 rushed with more eagerness to a new play, than 
 did the parishioners of Veto to the doors of their 
 church, to assist at the opening scene of this, to 
 them, singular representation. 
 
 The church, as may be expected, was very 
 
104 SOME MOODY REFLECTIONS. 
 
 soon filled. Many had to stand upon the stairs, 
 and outside of the building — the windows having 
 been opened to allow them to see and hear. The 
 minute of the proceedings will explain shortly 
 what took place. It is usually the same in every 
 case. It does not, however, record the scenes 
 which are enacted in the church, the angry 
 feelings, the squabblings of the rev. members of 
 com't among themselves, nor their unseemly 
 contentions with the advocate. We say the 
 advocate, because, so far as we have ever seen, 
 one counsel is pretty sure to have everything 
 material his own way, while the other has to fight 
 an up-hill and heart-breaking battle with the 
 majority of the Presbytery, and especially with 
 one or two rabid, bull-headed individuals, who 
 make it a rule to take an almost invariable lead 
 against him. There is, independent of more 
 powerful and less pardonable motives, a strong 
 desire on the part of clergymen, sitting as a court, 
 to bully and put down one or other of the practi- 
 tioners who appear before them, and they are 
 generally arrogant and overbearing in proportion 
 to the absurdity of the positions they are main- 
 taining. The ignorance, pedantry, and senten- 
 tiousness of some of those who thus rush to 
 combat often against law find justice, and pot 
 
SEDERUNT; 1G5 
 
 imfrequently against common sense, are so 
 appalling to a lawyer who has the misfortune to 
 appear in a church com't for the first time, that 
 his natural impulse leads him to quit it in disgust. 
 Often nothing but the strongest sense of duty to 
 his client prevents him from doing so. He gets 
 used, however, after a time, to the atmosphere of 
 the court, and, if he will only exercise patience, 
 he will soon find that the parsons, in their blind 
 eagerness to thwart him at every point, will, 
 sooner or later, land themselves in scrapes which 
 may possibly affect their own pockets. When 
 their eyes become open to this contingency, the 
 bullying tone is lowered with remarkable speed, 
 and some discreet presbyter is generally prevailed 
 upon to become an internuncio for the establish- 
 ment of amicable relations. 
 
 The minute of meeting proceeded as follows : — 
 
 "At Veto, and in the parish church thereof, 
 this day of 18 years." 
 
 "This day, the Presbytery of Dunderhead, 
 haATng met conform to appointment, was con- 
 stituted. Sederunt — Rev. Dr, Pompeius Browser, 
 of the parish of Blairorgan ; Rev. Lauchlin Mack- 
 introwsers, of the parish of Lochabernomore; Rev. 
 Ahster M'Cringer, of the parish of Ochonochree, 
 
166 SEDERUNT. 
 
 Moderator, pro tern.; Kev. Caleb Bouncer, of tlie 
 
 parish of Ivii-kipliimout ; Rev, "WTiymper M'Snee, 
 
 of the parish of Gilliecallum ; Eev. Ebenezer 
 
 ■Sneckdraw, of the parish of Brose Athole ; Rev. 
 
 Teevish M'Sneevish, of the parish of Sneeshan; 
 
 Rev. Havral Clash, of the parish of Clavers ; Rev. 
 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, clerk of Presbytery. 
 
 " Maccullainore Quaiffhhorn, ) _,, , 
 
 1 (Elders. 
 
 " Alister Fillyerglass, ) 
 
 " The minutes of last meeting were read and 
 approved of. The edict, intimating Mr. Fergus 
 Ochtertyre's appointment to preach in the parish 
 church of Veto was retmned, certified as having 
 been duly executed. It was reported by Messrs. 
 M'Cringer, Clash, and M'Sneevish, that the 
 presentee had fulfilled these appointments, and 
 that they were present, as appointed by the 
 Presbytery, on the last of these occasions, 
 and had received the manuscripts of his sermons 
 delivered upon the said occasions at the con- 
 clusion of his last sermon. The same were duly 
 doquetted. 
 
 " The Rev. Mr. M'Ciinger, as Moderator, pro 
 tempore, then ascended the pulpit, and preached 
 in Gaelic from Proverbs, chapter xxvi., verse 7, 
 and afterwards the Rev. Dr. Browser preached in 
 English from Psalm cxlvii., verse 10." 
 
A JPAIE, OV GLADIATORS. i'i7 
 
 It may be here explained that it is the rale 
 that the Moderator of the Presbytery should 
 preach the sermon or sermons upon the occasion 
 of moderating in a call, but the Rev. Mr. M'Slykey 
 had intimated that he could not attend, upon the 
 ground of being unwell, the truth being that he 
 was unwilhng to do it. The duty therefore 
 devolved upon M'Cringer. He had forgotten 
 neither the text nor the application of the discourse 
 delivered by the presentee in the parish church 
 of Ochonochree, nor the unfortimate result of hia 
 invitation, and, therefore, he had determined to 
 " improve " the present occasion, by causing the 
 presentee to regret having so unceremoniously 
 deserted his Sunday diet. 
 
 The words of his text were — " The legs of the 
 lame are not equal ; so is a parable in the mouth 
 of fools." 
 
 The intended objections had been pretty well 
 ventilated by this time, and it was generally 
 known how matters stood between M'Cringer and 
 his quondam guest. There could be no doubt in 
 the mind of any one aware of this of the diiffc of 
 the sermon, for allusions were made to the " cir- 
 cumstances and condition of the parish," as they 
 are called in church law parlance, with reference 
 to its special requirements in the shape of a pastor, 
 
leS A PAIR OF GLADIATORS. 
 
 which evidently applied to the supposed disabili- 
 ties of the presentee. 
 
 M'Cringer left the pulpit with the air of a man 
 perfectly satisfied with having achieved something 
 which would meet with the approval of his friends. 
 He intended to preach the English sermon after- 
 wards, but, unfortunately for himself, he had per 
 incuriam brought two Gaelic sermons. He did not 
 dare to preach an extempore English discourse, 
 and he could not draw upon an old one. The 
 only member of Presbytery present, equal to the 
 emergency, was Dr. Browser, and to him therefore 
 M'Cringer applied in his extremity, enforcing his 
 request by the statement that he had a great many 
 matters to attend to with regard to the other 
 proceedings of the day. Had he known every 
 thing, he would not have pressed this duty upon 
 the rev. doctor. The latter had been made fully 
 aware by Garrempey of the part M'Cringer had 
 acted in the matter of the invitation, and of the 
 ■unwarrantable statement that M'Cringer had been 
 asked by him to preach for himself. This had 
 roused his indignation, but Garrempey had taken 
 care to exact a promise that he would say nothing 
 about it in the meantime. 
 
 The doctor saw perfectly the drift of M'Cringer's 
 discourse, and his obvious desire to influence the 
 
A PAIR OF GLADIATORS. 169 
 
 minds of the people against the presentee. He 
 determined to checkmate him. 
 
 It was one of the doctor's weaknesses, a 
 pardonable one we admit, to delight in a protegd. 
 Having found one with a grievance, he was ready, 
 like Gideon, to do battle for him to the death. 
 Here was a chance not to be thrown away, so he 
 very complacently mounted the pulpit, and chose 
 his text, as we have said, in the 147th Psalm, 10th 
 verse : " He delighteth not in the strength of the 
 horse ; he taketh not pleasure in the legs of a 
 man," From this text, and with an elegance of 
 diction and fluency of utterance which gave one 
 the idea of a prepared discourse, he preached a 
 powerful sermon, alluding to the remarks of the 
 previous preacher with regard to the wants of the 
 parish, and setting before his audience what he 
 considered ought to be the merits and qualifica- 
 tions of the pastor they required. 
 
 M'Cringer and his friends were thunderstruck. 
 They saw the force and point of the doctor's 
 remarks, but could not account for the attitude 
 assumed by the preacher. Low but significant 
 whispers passed from one to the other, and looks 
 anything but pleasant were directed towards the 
 pulpit. The doctor, however, held on the even 
 tenor of his way. The presentee himself was in 
 
170 SINOING THE CALL. 
 
 attendance, rather an unusual circumstance, but 
 he had been urged by Garrempey to be pre- 
 sent. His heartfelt thanks beamed through 
 the tears -which moistened his eyes, as he shook 
 hands -with the worthy doctor after he resumed 
 his seat. 
 
 It had been intimated at the close of the 
 sermon that the Presbytery were ready to moder- 
 ate in the call, and accordingly that instnmient 
 was produced. 
 
 It was in the following terms : — 
 
 "We, Heritors, elders, members of the con- 
 gregation of Veto, and parishioners of the parish 
 of Veto, being Protestants, desirous of promoting 
 the glory of God and the good of His Church, 
 being destitute of a fixed Pastor, and being 
 satisfied by good information, and our own ex- 
 perience, of the ministerial abilities, and of the 
 suitableness to om- capacities, of you, IVIr. FERGUS 
 Oohtertyre, have agreed to iuvite, as we hereby 
 do invite, and call you to undertake the office of 
 pastor among us, promising you all dutiful respect, 
 encouragement, and obedience in the Lord. In 
 WITNESS WHEREOF, we have subscribed this call 
 before the Presbytery of Dundeyhead, on the 
 day of 18 years."' 
 
RUNNING COMMENTS. 171 
 
 After tlie call had been read by the clerk of 
 Presbytery, Huistan, who had his supporters con- 
 veniently placed, came forward and signed it, 
 along with the whole of his household. He 
 judiciously selected those who could write, and 
 those who could not, at iatervals, so as to avoid 
 the appearance of a great number of signatures 
 with marks from following each other. 
 
 This ruse was probably not observed, but it 
 was adopted at the suggestion of Garrempey, 
 who significantly remarked, that if the case went 
 to the Assembly the members would not fail to 
 be struck by a succession of names signed by a 
 mark. 
 
 " I had no idea," observed Sheepshanks, to his 
 friend Stirk, "that there would be so many to sign." 
 
 "Neither had a," moodily observed the other; 
 " some o' them are actually in ma ain service." 
 
 " Did ye see the mate o' the Kitty o' Loch- 
 goil signing 't, alang wi' his wife an' twa sons 1 
 A'U speak tae oor agents in Grlasgae, the owners, 
 an' ma name's no Stirk if he'll no soon need tae 
 look oot for anither berth. A thocht a was sure 
 o' him, for a went up an end's erran till his hoose, 
 an' had a lang crack wi' himsel' an' his wife, an' 
 left them, as a thocht, clean in oor favours." 
 
 ""Why, I declare," said Puncheon, "there's Mr. 
 
172 RUNNING COMMENTS. 
 
 Still, the super (meaning the supervisor of Excise). 
 I never dreamt that he would go against us. I 
 didn't ask him, but I understood he was to be 
 neutral. He has crossed me once or twice before ; 
 I'll watch him for this. Do you know, Sheep- 
 shanks, whether he has reported Worm the ganger 
 for what took place last month f 
 " I really don't know." 
 
 "Well, the Generals of Excise are to be here 
 in the course of a few weeks, and I'll see if I can't 
 manage something. Dip's a very jolly fellow, and 
 I think we can get him and Foreshot to send a 
 report to the Board that'll rather astonish the 
 super and his friend Worm." 
 
 " Is Dip still sweet upon Miss M'Phillabeg f 
 " I think he is. We must show them some 
 attention when they come, and our fair friend can 
 make herself very agreeable if she likes." 
 
 " Do you know," whispered Sheepshanks, look- 
 ing cautiously around, "Sneaker tells me that 
 Poind's quite smitten with her, and has lately been 
 making fierce love." 
 
 " Bah !" replied the other, " she's only making 
 a fool of him. I think she would lilte to have 
 Porter, but he doesn't seem to see that she has a 
 wealmess for him." 
 
 So went on the conversation, more or less 
 
EUNNING COMMENTS. 173 
 
 animated, the intei-locutors every now and then 
 breathing vows of direfal vengeance, as some 
 unfortunate individual subscribed the call whom 
 they thought they could punish for daring to have 
 a mind and will of his own. 
 
 The document being fully signed, the Presby- 
 tery next proceeded to dispose of its custody before 
 enquii'ing whether there were any objections to 
 be stated against the presentee. 
 
CHAPTER XI. 
 
 OBJECTIONS TO THE PRESENTEE — RELEVANCY DEFERRED — SCENE 
 AT THE READING AND SIGNING OF THE OBJECTIONS — ^PARTT 
 nGHT AT THE CLOSE OF THE PROCEEDINGS — THE PRESBTTERT 
 ADJOURN TO DINE WITH THE OBJECTORS, AND THE PRESENTEE 
 IS ESCORTED TO HIS QUARTERS IN POETERBIER. 
 
 T) EFORE the matter of the disposal of the call 
 ■■^ was taken up, Mr. Garrempey rose and said, 
 
 " Moderator, I wish it to be now recorded that 
 I appear along with the presentee as his agent, in 
 terms of a mandate which I request to be sustained 
 and engrossed in your minutes." 
 
 "Hadn't you better wait, Mr. Garrempey," 
 blandly observed M'Cringer, who was acting as 
 Moderator, pro tem., "until we have disposed of 
 the caU f 
 
 " This is the proper time for my appearance," 
 quietly remarked Garrempey, who had got an ink- 
 ling of the intention of intrusting that document 
 to Mr. Smites. 
 
 " Oh, very well !" said M'Cringer, " it's a matter 
 of no consequence." 
 
 M'Cringer kne^Y church practice better than 
 
PRELIMINARY SPARRIKG.. 175 
 
 any member of court, and it was his object to do 
 nothing which could be considered a breach of 
 form, so as to prevent any appeal to the civil 
 courts. 
 
 " Then," said Poind, rising with a look of con- 
 fident assurance, " I beg. Moderator, that you will 
 minute that I appear on behalf of the objectors." 
 
 "You will require to wait, I'm afraid, Mr. 
 Poind," observed Garrempey, "until there are 
 objectors in court." 
 
 " They are all here," sharply answered the other. 
 
 " Probably," replied his opponent, " they may 
 be in the church as individuals, but they have not 
 as yet assumed the character of objectors, and, 
 until objections are called for by the Presbytery,, 
 and given in, your clients, whoever they may be, 
 have no locus standi in judicio. — ^You understand 
 that, Mr. Poind?" he added slily. 
 
 Poind slightly coloured, but, having learned 
 the phrase out of Halkerston, he quickly added, 
 " Certainly, you maintain that my clients have no 
 standing as yet in court." 
 
 " Of course," replied the other, " the only party 
 who has is the presentee. He has received a call 
 from some two hundred parishioners, and is there- 
 fore in titulo to see to its disposal. You have no 
 interest whatever iq that 4ociwent at present," 
 
17a PRELIMINARY SPARRING. 
 
 M'Crlnger's face sliowed that he was hardly 
 satisfied with Poind's interference, so he said, " I 
 think Mr. Garrempey's right ; we will minute your 
 appearance, Mr. Poind, afterwards, if there are 
 objections to be given in, as to which we as yet 
 know nothing as a court," 
 
 " But you know it too well privately, Sir," ex- 
 claimed a deep voice in the gallery. 
 
 " Who's that making a noise f said M'Cringer, 
 rising up in some agitation. " If there's any more 
 interruption, the party causing it will be put out." 
 
 " Easier said than done," was the reply. 
 
 Nobody could tell fi-om whom the voice came. 
 Order, however, being shortly afterwards restored, 
 the proceedings were resumed. 
 
 M'Cringer, being Moderator, could hardly make 
 a motion himself as to the disposal of the. call, but 
 he had managed to get the Kev. Teevish M'Snee- 
 vish to do so. 
 
 That gentleman accordingly got upon his legs', 
 and said, 
 
 " Moderator, I move that the call be intrusted 
 to Mr. Smites, teacher of the side school, until 
 next meeting of Presbytery, in order that parish- 
 ioners who have not yet signed may have an 
 opportunity of doing so. It would be much moi-e 
 convenient," he coiitinued, in (jueruloiis and husky 
 
HITS AND COUNTERHITS. 177 
 
 tones, " for all parties that this should be done. 
 Sometimes it is left with the parish schoolmaster, 
 but I'm afraid he has too much to do. Mr. Smites 
 has more time at command, and his house is in a 
 central part of the parish." 
 
 This motion was seconded by the Rev. Mr. 
 Sneckdraw, 
 
 "I don't know," said Garrempey, risiag, 
 " whether there will be any counter-motion, but 
 I must, in the meantime, object to the proposed 
 disposal of the call. No satisfactory reason has 
 been given for departing from the usual practice 
 of placing it in the hands of the parish school- 
 master, a man, who I understand, is a zealous 
 member of the Church of Scotland, and of irre- 
 proachable character." 
 
 " He is perhaps too zealous," remarked Poind. 
 
 " I rather thiak, sir," sarcastically observed the 
 former, " that yotir zeal for your clients has run 
 away with your discretion. If you knew any 
 thing of church practice, you would know fliat 
 you are not in court, and that your interference 
 now is simply an impertinence." 
 
 Great ruffing in the gallery, in the midst of 
 which Poind collapsed. 
 
 "I say agaiQ," roared out M'Cringer, "that 
 
 we will not submit to this noise." 
 M 
 
178 HITS AND COUNTERHITS. 
 
 " Who di-ew up the objections 1" asked another 
 voice from the galleiy. " Had you a hand in it ?" 
 
 Here there was great confasion and noise, 
 M'Criager vociferating and gesticulating, but his 
 voice was drowned by the uproar. 
 
 In the midst of the hubbub several parties were 
 seen, under the very noses of the reverend court, 
 coolly taking out bottles and flasks of whisky, 
 and passing them rotmd with the greatest non- 
 chalance. 
 
 " Ye wad be much the better o' a dram, Mr. 
 M'Cringer," exclaimed a di'unken fellow in the 
 body of the chm-ch. 
 
 "Put that man out!" fiercely exclaimed Pun- 
 cheon. 
 
 He happened to be one of the intended objec- 
 tors, but had got too groggy to be of any use. 
 
 "A wad like tae see the man that wad try 
 that," bellowed forth the offender , and in tnith, 
 • he was rather a dangerous looking customer. 
 
 " A tell ye what it is," he continued, addi-essing 
 Puncheon, " a'm no gaun tae sign yer objections. 
 A think a had as muckle richt tae get draff as 
 Geordie Fraser." 
 
 Here the confusion culminated in a desperate 
 attempt to expel this recalcitrant parishioner, but 
 it was found impossible to do so. At length, by 
 
HITS ANB COUNTEEHITS. 179 
 
 dint of coaxing on the part of a person who seemed 
 to have some influence over him, he was induced 
 to leave the church. 
 
 This scene over, the proceedings were resumed ; 
 Garrempey was allowed to continue his argument. 
 He showed clearly, that so far from being a con- 
 venience, it would be quite the reverse, to place 
 the call in the hands of Mr. Smites, who, he 
 observed, was under the control of those whom 
 he understood to be objectors ; that the great bulk 
 of the parishioners were domiciled in and around 
 the village of Porterbier, some three or four miles 
 distant fi-om the residence of Mr. Smites ; that, 
 even if the dwelling of that individual was, 
 geogi-aphically speaking, more in the centre of 
 the parish than the house of the parish school- 
 master, that was of no consequence. It might 
 as well be argued, he added, that a document 
 affecting the people of Algeria, should be left for 
 signature in the desert of Sahara, in the tent of 
 some wandering Arab, because it was a more 
 central part of Africa than Algiers. 
 
 The discussion upon this important point was 
 taken up by almost every member of Presbytery. 
 It was evident from the sentiments of the speakers 
 that Garrempey would be defeated. 
 
 The Rev. Dr. Browser got up at last to movd 
 
180 LOGIC FLOORED, 
 
 an amendment to the eiFect that the Presbytery 
 order the call to be left with the parish school- 
 master. 
 
 This amendment was seconded by the Rev. 
 Mr, Skirleywhitter, clerk of Presbytery, who had 
 been a college companion of the schoolmaster, and 
 entertained orthodox opinions as to the respect 
 due to officialism. 
 
 On a division, however, the motion was carried 
 by a large majority, to the evident satisfaction of 
 M'Cringer and the objectors. 
 
 Poind rubbed his hands with delight, and 
 looked round the audience as if he expected to be 
 recognised as the winner of a victory. 
 
 Garrempey, however, merely dictated when the 
 judgment was delivered, the usual formula — 
 
 " Against which order for the disposal of the 
 call the agent for the presentee protested, and 
 appealed to the ensuing meeting of the General 
 Assembly for reasons to be lodged in due time ; 
 took instruments, and craved extracts, which were 
 allowed." 
 
 The mover of the motion mtimated that he 
 acquiesced in the judgment, and also took instru- 
 ments and craved extracts. 
 
SOME USEFUL INFORMATION. 181 
 
 It may be as well to explain here, for the infor- 
 mation of those who are not acquainted with the 
 subject, that there are four Courts in the Church 
 of Scotland — the Kirk Session, the Presbytery, 
 the Synod, and Assembly — composed of ministers 
 and elders. In appealing the decision of a Pres- 
 bytery, the appeal is taken in the first instance to 
 the Synod, if there is to be a meeting of that 
 reverend body before the General Assembly meets 
 in May, and from the Synod to the Assembly. 
 The Synod is composed of the members of Pres- 
 byteries according to certain territorial divisions, 
 while the Assembly is made up of representatives 
 from all the Presbyteries. Some readers may be 
 curious to laiow what is the meaning of taking 
 instruments and craving extracts. Taking instru- 
 ments simply means handing the clerk of Presby- 
 tery the sum of one shilling for every protest and 
 appeal taken. Some clerks who look sharply after 
 their fees, insist upon the cash being paid down 
 on the nail. Others, again, trust to the agents, 
 and render an account of the various shillings 
 when the case is at an end. Craving extracts 
 means, that the derk is to furnish, for a fee which 
 is generally exorbitant, a copy of such part of the 
 proceedings as may be asked for. 
 
 When the case is to be brought before the 
 
182 SOME USEFUL INFORMATION, 
 
 Assembly, the whole minutes of the Presbytery, 
 evidence for both parties, sermons — ^if objected to 
 -T^and other documents, must be printed by the 
 unsuccessful party. A sufficient number of copies 
 requires to be thrown off to fm-nish one for each 
 member of Assembly, which must be lodged with 
 the Assembly clerk a certain number of days before 
 the annual meeting in May, involving an expense, 
 probably, of about sixty poimds for printing alone. 
 If to this be added the fees charged by the Pres- 
 bytery and Synod clerks, it may take about two 
 hundred pounds before an unfortunate presentee 
 can carry his case before that " respectable mob," 
 as Professor Blackie not iaaptly calls it, " THE 
 VENERABLE THE GENERAL ASSEMBLY OP THE CHURCH 
 OP SCOTLAND." — This sum does not, of course, 
 include the accoTint to his law agents nor counsel's 
 fees. A presentee may calculate, if he is opposed 
 by determined objectors, that he cannot have his 
 case finally decided for less than five or six 
 hundred pounds, and it frequently costs consider- 
 ably more than the latter sum. No matter how 
 evidently puerile or malignant the opposition may 
 be, he cannot, even though successful, recover a 
 farthing of the costs. Where the presentee is 
 poor, or the objectors are few, and are either 
 tmable or unwilling to incur heavy outlay, a 
 
ARTILLERY OPENS. 183 
 
 worthy man may fesl himself obliged to relinquish 
 his right of appeal; or one who is not so may 
 succeed in getting into a parish because those 
 who honestly objected to him had not the means 
 of carrying out then* opposition. 
 
 But to return to the further proceedings of the 
 Presbytery of Dunderhead. After the call had 
 been disposed of as has already been stated, the 
 Moderator intimated, " that the Presbytery were 
 now prepared to receive any objections to the 
 settlement of the Rev. Mr. Fergus Ochtertyre to 
 the parish of Veto." 
 
 " NoVs your time. Sheepshanks," said Poind, 
 " to go forward with the objections." 
 
 " I thought that you were to do that," 
 
 " No, I have just got a note from M'Criager to 
 say that it is not time for me to appear yet, and 
 that the objections should come spontaneously 
 from the parishioners." 
 
 " Very well, I suppose I must do it ; although, 
 hang it, I don't quite like the job, I feel rather 
 nervous. Give us a pull of your flask. Puncheon — 
 I know ril get a lot of iasolence fromHuistan and 
 his men." 
 
 " A'U gang wi' ye," said Stirk. 
 
 At any other time Sheepshanks would probably 
 have said, " save me from my friends," but when 
 
184 FIRE OF OBJECTIONS. 
 
 one requires sympathy and support, he is not 
 always particular as to his companions, so he put 
 a bold face on the matter, and both worthies left 
 their seats amidst an almost breathless silence on 
 the part of the audience. 
 
 The objections handed to the Presbytery clerk, 
 and read aloud by that fimctionary, were as 
 follows : — 
 
 " Objections to the settlement of the Rev. 
 Fergus Ochtertyre, of the Parish of 
 Lochspelding, in the Chuixh and Parish 
 of Veto." 
 
 " First. — The parish of Veto is very large and 
 hilly, the ways are extremely crooked, and the 
 country, generally, is covered with morasses, 
 banks, braes, woods, stiles, and bm-ns. It is very 
 uncultivated, and would require the services of a 
 young, vigorous, and energetic minister, which 
 the presentee is not, he being a man upwards of 
 fifty years of age. It is understood that he 
 has a wife and family, and a lame leg, which is 
 shorter than the other, and is thus legally dis- 
 qualified for attending to the ministerial interests 
 of the parish. He would iind it to be very uphill 
 work, and the objectors believe that it would be 
 
riEE OP OBJECTIONS. 188 
 
 more for tlie good of the church if he were to be 
 settled somewhere else. 
 
 " Second. — The presentee does not speak in the 
 broad open manner in which the people of Veto 
 are accustomed to speak, and to be spoken to, and 
 this arises from his tongue being either too large 
 or too small for his mouth, or from both causes, or 
 from some defect in his palate, to the objectors 
 unknown, by all or some, or any of which, his 
 discourses are rendered unacceptable and un- 
 profitable to his hearers. 
 
 " Third. — That the presentee's voice is too 
 loud for the size of the church, which it fills to 
 an intolerable extent, and this is especially dis- 
 tressing to the aged and infirm. So powerful 
 are the echoes produced by the voice, that very 
 often the voice itself cannot be heard.. 
 
 " Fourth, — The presentee has a fierce head of 
 red hair, which prevents due heed being given to 
 his discourses by light-headed people, who make 
 remarks thereupon, by which the rest of the con- 
 gregation are prevented from being edified, and 
 they lose the heads of his discourse; added to 
 this, the presentee squints; his nose is too small 
 fbr the size of his face, and he blows it in a man- 
 ner, and with a snorting noise, to which the 
 parishioners of Veto have not been accustomed. 
 
188 FIRE OF OBJECTIONS. 
 
 From all these causes, or some of them, the ob- 
 jectors camiot follow his discourses, and they 
 have failed to receive any benefit from them. 
 
 "Fifth. — The presentee has not attended to 
 his parochial duties in the parish of Lochspelding. 
 In particular, he has avoided every opporttmity of 
 walking, when he could get a lift in a cart or gig, 
 and has thus shown his inability to traverse such 
 a parish as Veto. Besides, he sometimes resides 
 out of his own parish. 
 
 " Sixth. — The presentee is not disposed to be 
 charitable, for, in the opinion of the objectors, the 
 psalms he selected were intended to irritate and 
 insult those who might think it a Christian duty 
 to oppose him. His prayers had no imction, and 
 he opened his eyes so frequently that, with his 
 peculiar squint, he mesmerized several aged and 
 infirm females, who were found so fast asleep that 
 they could with difficulty be roused to conscious- 
 ness, although various passes were made under 
 their noses with potent snuff boxes and pungent 
 vinaigrettes. 
 
 " Seventh. — The presentee's delivery had more, 
 the appearance of recitation than a direct appeal 
 to the understanding and heart, and the discourses 
 seemed to have been got up for the occasion, but 
 they were not appropriate. They were uncon- 
 
(O 
 
 z 
 o 
 
 m 
 o 
 ui 
 
CEASE FIRING. 187 
 
 nected and hurried. Besides, the presentee did 
 not, on two occasions, read any portion of the 
 Holy Scriptures at the commencement of the 
 services, as enjoined by the Directory of the Church 
 of Scotland. 
 
 " Eighth. — That the presentee has endeavoured 
 to make himself too agreeable to the parishioners 
 of Veto, and resides in an inn or hotel, in the 
 village of Porterbier, contrary to the dignity and 
 character of a minister of the gospel. 
 
 "Lastly. — ^For these reasons we object to the 
 presentee, and hold that he is not a qualified party 
 to be inducted to the church and parish of Veto." 
 
 To enumerate the interruptions and confusion 
 which followed the reading and signing of these 
 objections would occupy too much time. Very 
 few of the poor people who were brought forward 
 could write, and their names were put down for 
 them by Sheepshanks or Stirk. Hardly one of 
 them understood the nature of the objections, and 
 several were heard to declare that they thought it 
 was all right because they were told so. One old 
 man, on being asked if he had any objections to 
 the presentee's sermons, replied, 
 
 "Na, but a'm tould he's no fit fur oor pairish." 
 "When questioned as to howhe was unfit, he said, 
 
188 FEEE FIGHT WINDS VF. 
 
 " She'll no ken verra weel liersel', but folk wlia 
 hae learning hae tel't her sae." 
 
 After the objections were signed, Mr. Poind 
 came forward and said, 
 
 " Moderator, I wish it to be recorded that, at 
 this stage, I appear on behalf of the objectors, and 
 for all who may adhere to them in terms of 
 mandate." 
 
 " You are rather too fast, Mr. Poind," observed 
 Garrempey, "I object to your appearance for 
 people of whom we know nothing, and reserve my 
 right to question the title of those who have now 
 signed." 
 
 In this point Garrempey was successful. 
 
 The Presbytery fixed a meeting to take place 
 in three weeks to determine the relevancy of the 
 objections, and the farce was "closed with prayer." 
 
 So ended the fii-st stage of proceedings which 
 probably cannot be witnessed anywhere out of 
 Scotland. No sooner had the church been emptied 
 of its noisy, and, by this time, drunken occupants, 
 than a party fight took place worthy of Donny- 
 brook. The majority of the Presbytery, along 
 with Poind, found their way to a comfortable 
 dinner at the house of Puncheon, while Huistan 
 and part of his followers escorted the presentee 
 and his agent to their quarters at Porterbier. 
 
CHAPTER XII. 
 
 MATEIMOMAL SPECULATIONS OF A LAWYER AND A MINISTER— 
 EXPEDITION TO SNDFFMULL IN SEARCH OF EVIDENCE AGAINST 
 THE PRESENTEE BY AN IRISH CLERK AND HIGHLAND ELDER — 
 RESULTS OF THE ADVENTURE — IN THE HANDS OF THE IRISH 
 POLICE. 
 
 npHE hint given by Miss M'Corkscrew to Mr. 
 Sneaker about the probability of the decease 
 of her aunt, and of her interest in the will, was 
 not lost upon the reverend gentleman, so before 
 leaviag for Glasgow he resolved to have a private 
 interview with Mr. Poind, 
 
 It happened that the aunt, whose death was 
 apparently so little desired by Sneaker, resided 
 in the vicinity of the capital of the west, and he 
 thought he could find out through Poind whether 
 or not the expectations of Miss Flora were well 
 founded. On the morning of his intended depar- 
 ture he had an interesting interview with the 
 young lady. 
 
 "Well," said the clerical swaia, as he was 
 taking leave, "I shall call to encLtiire for your 
 aunt." 
 
190 A CLERICAL SNEAK AKD LEGAL SNOB. 
 
 " I hope you will ; she kaows of our attachment, 
 and, I have no doubt, will be glad to see you." 
 
 " Well, good-bye, love," 
 
 " But I thought you wished me to walk with 
 you as far as the steamer f she affectionately 
 exclaimed. 
 
 "Oh! I couldn't think of asking you to do 
 that," he blandly replied; "the weather looks 
 very threatening, and you know you've a bad 
 cough." 
 
 He was afraid her presence would spoil his chat 
 with Poind, 
 
 So they parted — the one full of love and affec- 
 tion, the other animated with absorbing selfishness. 
 
 Sneaker met Poind on the quay, and, taking 
 his arm, said, " Am I to have the pleasure of your 
 company to Glasgow f 
 
 " No," replied the other ; " I shall have to stay 
 to precognosce witnesses, and to send off my clerk, 
 Timothy Casey, with one or two others, to Snuff- 
 mull, to get up evidence." 
 
 "By the bye," observed Sneaker, "how do 
 you ascertain about the disposition of a person's 
 property f 
 
 " From the records, of coiirse," was the ready 
 reply, " if it's recorded. What sort of a disposi- 
 tion is it?" 
 
THE LAW EMBRACES THE GOSPEL. 191 
 
 " I believe it's a deed in favour of trustees as a 
 settlement of property." 
 
 "I see." 
 
 " I may tell you," resumed Sneaker, "in confi- 
 dence, that Miss M'Corkscrew wished me to ask 
 you privately about the settlement of her aunt, 
 Mrs. M'Creesh, who lives at Crossmungo, as she 
 thinks she is named in it. She wishes to know 
 privately. You needn't speak to herself about it 
 — she woiildn't like that — ^but you can let me 
 know." 
 
 " I see. "Who are the law agents of the auntf 
 
 "Well, she told me that they were Messrs. 
 Law and Rule, writers, Trongate." 
 
 "I'll find it out for you, Mr. Sneaker," confi- 
 dently replied the lawyer, " without any charge." 
 
 "If I can be of any service to you then," warmly 
 exclaimed Sneaker, " count upon me." 
 
 " I'm much obliged to you. I'm sorry you are 
 leaving here so soon. We've had a jolly time of 
 it. What a nice girl Miss M'Phillabeg is I I'm 
 almost spooney about her." 
 
 " I think she rather likes yon," answered the 
 other, although he knew very well the reverse. 
 
 "You could do something for me with her 
 through Miss M'Corkscrew, couldn't you?" said 
 Poind. 
 
192 MISTEK TIMOTHY CASEY. 
 
 "I've no doubt of it," 
 
 " Then we shall mutually assist each other." 
 
 "Of course." 
 
 By this time the steamer was ready to leave, 
 and the two fi'iends shook hands, promising to 
 correspond upon this interesting subject. 
 
 At a meeting of the principal objectors, held 
 the same day in the tap-room of M'Groggy, which, 
 as already mentioned, was the rendezvous of 
 " the opposition," the plans for the expedition to 
 Snuffmull were discussed. Mr. Timothy Casey, 
 clerk to Messrs. Horn and Poind, was present) 
 having arrived by the last steamer. Timothy, it 
 appeared, had been bred in the office of a DubUn 
 solicitor in low practice, and was perfectly con- 
 versant with the mode of getting up evidence in 
 cases of a certain description. He could drink 
 any quantity oi potheen, and spout any amount of 
 blarney. He was about thh'ty-five years of age, 
 and the happy possessor of that snub-nosed, wide- 
 mouthed, and high-cheek-boned cast of coun- 
 tenance peculiar to the "finest pisantry in the 
 world," which Cobbett attributed to their inor- 
 dinate use of potatoes. He had all the ready wit 
 attributed to his countrymen, and the comic 
 twinkle of the small sunken pig-eye of the genuine 
 bogtrotter. It was said that he was at one time 
 
MISTER TIMOTHY CASEY. 193 
 
 a detective, had something to do with the arrests 
 in '48, and knew a Httle about the cabbage garden 
 which failed to conceal the person of Smith 
 O'Brien. How or why he left the Green Isle was 
 not very well known. Possibly he might have 
 been able to exclaim, with Barrington the pick- 
 pocket, who, when apostrophising himself and his 
 companions at Botany Bay, said — 
 
 " True patriots we, for, be it understood, 
 We left our oovintry for our country's good." 
 
 Certain it is, however, that Casey found his way 
 to Glasgow, and got a seat in the office of Messrs. 
 Horn and Poind, where his services were found to 
 be of considerable value. 
 
 " I think Mr. Casey should start by the first 
 steamer for Snuifmull," observed Poind. 
 
 "Certainly," said Sheepshanks; "but do you 
 understand Gaelic, Mr. Casey f 
 
 "Lave me alone for that," he answered, with a 
 knowing wink. 
 
 " Well," continued the former, " you may know 
 Irish Gaelic, but I think it will be necessary," he 
 said, addressing Poind, " to send Alister Fillyer- 
 glass along with him, as he understands the 
 Gaelic of Snuffmull, and knows Ochtertory, the 
 principal town, and the district of Lochspelding,'.' 
 
191 JOCK M'SERVICE. 
 
 " Perhaps it woiild be as well." 
 
 " Och, sure, and I'll be glad av a concurrent," 
 observed Casey; "I'll be happy to make the 
 acquintence av the gintleman ye mane." 
 
 Alister was sent for, and full and particular 
 inBtructions were given to him and Casey as to 
 what they were to do, along with letters to some 
 friends of Mr. Puncheon in the town of Ochtertory, 
 where the steamer would arrive. 
 
 The above arrangements were afterwards dis- 
 cussed at dinner in Porter's hospitable mansion, 
 where Poind and his Irish clerk were guests. 
 They did not, however, escape the sharp ears of 
 Jessie Macgregor, who was waiting table. She 
 lost no time in callmg at Huistan's, and informing 
 him of what was intended. 
 
 "We must checkmate this attempt, Mr. 
 Ochtertyre," observed Garrempey, at a consulta- 
 tion held immediately upon the information being 
 obtained. " I know something of Mr. Casey. He's 
 up to making enquiries of this sort, and we all 
 know about Mr. FUlyerglass. Have you any 
 friends at Ochtertory who are able to outwit 
 themf 
 
 "Well, I think Jock M'Service, the sheriff- 
 officer there, is as knowing as any Irish detective, 
 and I'm sure he would do anything for nie," 
 
JOCK M'SERVICE. 195 
 
 "Then," said Garrempey, "I'll send him a 
 letter, which I don't mean to let you see, but you 
 can ■write a few lines, which I shall enclose, to 
 show that I have authority for what I do." 
 
 What Garrempey wrote we do not know, 
 but his letter was posted so as to be received 
 a day before the arrival of Casey and his com- 
 panion. 
 
 Jock M'Service was a sheriiF-officer, remarkable 
 for astuteness, as many Highland sheriff-officers 
 are. His ordinary manner was quiet and imde- 
 monstrative, but he had a rough facility in taking 
 upon himself almost any character Especially 
 could he assume a gi-eat deal of plausibility when 
 he liked, Jock possessed a fair share of the 
 article which English writers, at least people who 
 write in England, grudgingly admit exists in 
 Scotland in the form of " dry wut," having 
 probably discovered, in performing the celebrated 
 surgical operation necessary to be undergone by 
 a Scotsman before he can comprehend a joke, that 
 his brain contains more peculiarities than that 
 remarkable ciui-ent which always flows steadUy 
 towards the south, with an erratic easterly varia- 
 tion when some Caledonian magnate happens to 
 be attached to the post of India. Ah! pauvre 
 Goldsmith, how could yoti and that race of per- 
 
196 JOHN AND SANDY. 
 
 fervid Celts wlio, translated to English soil, 
 manage to escape Tesprit houcM of foggy London, 
 in spite of the hebetose tendency of roast beef, 
 plum pudding, and XX, — ^how could you have 
 acted the part of " Capability Brown," and have 
 nurtured the exotic plant of English wit, now 
 warming it with your merry sunshine, and now 
 watering it, alas! too often, with your tears? 
 But why, why, should you have furnished the 
 maHcious Saxon with a shaft so keen, and, at the 
 same time, so pitiless and undeserved, as the sting 
 which lurks in that caustic adieu — 
 
 •' Merry Whitefoord, farewell ! for thy sake I'll admit 
 That a Scot may have humour — ^I had almost said wit?" 
 
 Do you never think, ye giddy crew, how often 
 you have wantonly wounded your coimtry by the 
 gall-tipped shafts of a hireling quiver % and that, 
 if she succumbs at last and smks into a mere 
 province of Cookneydom, she will reproach you in 
 words more bitter than those ascribed to the 
 dying eagle, when he found that the cruel barb 
 which pierced his heart was a feathered pinion, 
 from his own wing? 
 
 But we are interrupted by the observation of a 
 stout gentleman, who introduces himself as Mr. 
 Jobji Bull, 
 
JOHN AND SANDY. 197 
 
 " Will you- be kind enough, Mr. Bull, to put 
 that question of yours again 1" 
 
 " Certainly I I should like to ask you, with 
 reference to the highly moral and patriotic senti« 
 ments you have just been expressing with regard 
 to your country, what it is precisely that you 
 yourself are doing just at this particular momentl" 
 
 " Why, sir ! I'm trying to show up — ^that is — 
 hen; — to — ^to " 
 
 " Exactly, my good fellow — don't agitate your- 
 self — what you were going to say is quite right, 
 and proper, too ; but tell me where's the mighty 
 difference between doing this same little bit of 
 showing up in Scotland and doing it in Londonf 
 
 " Why, really — one's own house, you know — 
 quite another pair " 
 
 " Don't see it at all, Sandy." 
 
 " Well, well, I daresay not — that's what you 
 always say — ^won't listen to anything we've got 
 to say here — get up a laugh against us in the 
 Thunderer, or in the columns of the minor Jupiter 
 — won't give us the chance of turning the laugh 
 against you though — open the Temple of Janus, 
 but take care that the denizens of Cockaigne only 
 see one face of the figure. Just like the boy who 
 chalked ' No popery ' on the door, and then " 
 
 ■" Bah ! Sandy, you're becoming disagreeable — ^" 
 
198 COMPLIMENTS OF THE SEASON. 
 
 " Too bad, John, the old story — 
 ' La raison du plus fort est toujours la meilleure.' " 
 
 " Well, come, Sandy I fail- play, let's have it 
 out — ^unicorn, red lion, Wallace monument, and 
 all !" 
 
 " It's no use, John, you wouldn't be convinced 
 though I left Scotch metaphysics and proved my 
 proposition with the precision of De Morgan. I 
 think I'd better go on with my naiTative." 
 
 "Go on, and prosper. You'll save fne some 
 trouble at all events. I sincerely wish I could 
 prevail upon some of your compatriots to ' gang 
 hame ' and help you, — Good bye." 
 
 Highlanders are seldom more clannish than 
 when the character of the minister they "sit 
 under" is concerned. M'Service knew all about 
 the Veto case, so far as it had gone, and con- 
 sidered that Mr. Ochtertyre was a very ill used 
 man ; that a slur, in fact, had been thi'o-«m upon 
 the district in general, and upon himself in 
 particular, by the objections that had been stated 
 against him. On getting Garrempey's letter, he 
 determined, if possible, to thwart the intentions 
 of the exploring party — ^not that he was afraid 
 that they could find out any thing that would 
 really do the minister harm, but to punish the 
 
AECHY M'TAGGART. 199 
 
 audacity of Casey, an Irish detective, as Garrempey 
 informed him, in presuming to invade the sacred 
 soil of Snuffmull on such a sacrilegious mission. 
 Upon the principle that " twa heeds are better 
 than ane," which was a cardinal point in Jock's 
 philosophy, he took into his coimsel his clerk and 
 assistant, Archy M'Taggart, having great faith in 
 his natural sagacity and discretion. 
 
 Archy was about eighteen years of age, and, 
 of coTU'se, wore a fierce head of the proverbial red 
 hair as a necessary complement to that equally 
 indispensable garment, the kilt. The latter article, 
 as well as the relative coatee, being of an intensely 
 lively green, Archy, who was rather tall and 
 slender, gave not a bad idea, when seen creeping 
 along, of an exaggerated hollyhock endowed with 
 locomotion. As a matter of course he was pro- 
 fusely peppered with freckles, and, it is needless 
 to add, that he was cunning as a fox. He re- 
 joiced over a lock-hole execution, which, for the 
 benefit of English readers, we may explain is a 
 certificate by a sheriif-ofScer that a writ has been 
 served by bemg left in the keyhole of a defen- 
 dant's domicile. The cause of Archy's rejoicing 
 over such a document being held efiectual by the 
 law of his native country may very rapidly be 
 inferred from the fact, that a decree in absence 
 
200 AIICHY"M'TAGGART. 
 
 will follow at once upon the production to a 
 judge of such certificate, whether service has been 
 actually made upon the defendant or not, personal 
 service not being necessary by the law of Scot- 
 land. 
 
 We do not wish to be cruel to Archy, but, in 
 the interests of truth, we are obliged to state that 
 he had signed many such certificates as a witness 
 to the acts therein set forth, having been well and 
 duly accomplished at the particular locality speci- 
 fied, without having been actually a spectator of 
 the same. Considerable allowance must, how- 
 ever, be made for the great distance which it 
 would be sometimes necessary to travel to the 
 locality itself, over barren moors and craggy 
 mountains, and it is to be considered that Jock's 
 business could not have got on so well if he had 
 to pay the expense of two individuals instead of 
 one, for it is right to add that he did sometimes go 
 himself upon the distant journey. It is also fair 
 to state that Jock had a fii-m belief that Archy, 
 like a good many Highlanders of the past, was 
 possessed of the hereditary faculty of second sight, 
 and would be reasonably cognisant that all things 
 were done regularly and in order. In short, 
 Archy had a decided wealmess for any description 
 of work which could be included under the title 
 
ADVENTURES IN SNUPPMULL. 201 
 
 of " tlie office of a sheriff-officer made easy." He 
 had a strong love for poindings and sequestra- 
 tions for rent, particularly the latter, for, as an 
 almost inevitable consequence, wherever farm 
 stock was attached, a sale followed in due time, 
 and Archy very often acted as clerk of the roup, 
 at which important proceeding there was always 
 plenty of whisky and bread and cheese going, 
 and not rarely a substantial dinner. Besides, 
 Archy frequently managed to secure, by a process 
 known only to himself, some capital bargains. 
 
 The aim of M'Service was, if possible, to pre- 
 vent Casey and Fillyerglass from seeing the 
 parties to whom he was informed they had letters 
 of introduction. For this purpose it was neces- 
 sary that he should intercept the travellers as 
 soon as the steamer came in. On the arrival of 
 the boat, Jock at once stepped on board. He 
 soon picked out Casey and his companion, and 
 walking up briskly, he said, 
 
 " Hoo d'ye do, Mr. Casey an' Mr. Fillyerglass ? 
 Mr. Puncheon an' Mr. Sheepshanks, o' the pairish 
 o' Veto, hae sent me word tae dae a' a can to 
 help ye in getting up evidence in the case ye 
 hae come aboot. A'm Mr. M'Service, Sheriff 
 Officer." 
 
 "We're moighty obloiged to yez, Mr. 
 
202 ADVENTURES IN SNUEFMULL. 
 
 M'Sarvice," said Casey, "and as we don't know 
 the coimthry here abouts, av coorse we'll need yer 
 assistance." 
 
 "Is there any Hotel in thim parts f* he 
 enquired. "Troth, an' it's quare I feel afther 
 being rowled about for a day and noight on board 
 that baste av a stamer." 
 
 "On ay," replied M'Service, "jist come doon 
 this wey." 
 
 Jock led them to a public house, which was 
 kept by Archy's mother, and where his red-haired 
 assistant was in waiting, 
 
 " Mr. Puncheon," continued the sly Highlander, 
 " said that ye had letters tae folks here, an' that a 
 was to let them ken that ye were comin'. 
 They're a' awa' frae hame the day, at the market 
 o' Torven, an' wiana' be back for twa days, but a 
 think the letters sud be left at their places, an a'U 
 get a lad to deliver them." 
 
 So ringing the bell, which Archy answered, he 
 said, " This gentleman wishes ye to deliver thae 
 letters, an' tell the folks that we'll ca' the day 
 aifter the morn aboot them." 
 
 The unsuspecting Casey at once handed the 
 credentials to Archy, who, after leaving the room, 
 went carefully over the addresses, v^^hich the 
 former had not looked at, opened the letters for 
 
ui 
 u 
 
 o 
 
 o 
 
 z 
 
 X 
 
 u 
 
 ac 
 < 
 
ADVENTURES IK SNTJPFMtJLL. 203 
 
 his own special edification, and quietly consigned 
 them to the flames of the kitchen fire. 
 
 A considerable quantity of whisky was not long 
 in being consumed by the thirsty travellers. 
 
 " Where abouts is this place, Lochspelding V 
 asked Casey. 
 
 "Aboot acht mile frae here," replied Jock. 
 " We cud easily reach there afore dark to catch 
 the steamer that'll tak us to the place we've tae 
 gae tae first." 
 
 " It's a quare name," said Casey. 
 
 " Oh ! no," dryly replied the other, " they catch 
 speldings an' finnan haddies there, an' that's the 
 reason o' the name." 
 
 " D'ye mane thim brown fish as ye see in the 
 windeys av Glasgow shops 1" 
 
 "Ofcoorse." 
 
 "Shure they taste av smoke," replied the 
 Irishman. 
 
 " That's because o' the water," quietly answered 
 the Highlander ; " the whusky tastes the same." 
 
 "There must be some quare fish here," rejoined 
 Casey. 
 
 " You'll fin' that afore ye leave," replied Jock. 
 
 Fillyerglass enjoyed the joke, for he had no 
 great liking to his companion. 
 
 " It's time for us to start," at length observed 
 
204 CALEDONIAN r^iJ^STO MILESIAN. 
 
 M'Service. So they all set off, including Archy 
 M'Taggart, for the steamer which was to carry 
 them Tip the loch. 
 
 It is necessary to mention that tlie boat, after 
 remaining for some hours at Ochtertory, proceeded 
 a certain distance further up the loch, where she 
 stopped to take in cargo, and then returned to 
 Glasgow, without calling at any place on the way, 
 except at a certain port in Ireland, considerably 
 out of the ordinary route of steamers. The parties 
 reached the place where the boat was lying after 
 dark, and adjourned to a pubhc house, which, as 
 Casey observed, was " quite convanient." Here 
 they drank pretty freely for a few hours, Casey 
 and his companion indulging in what was said to 
 be London porter, but M'Service drinking only 
 whisky, and that sparingly. He knew the land- 
 lady intimately. She was a great admirer of Mr. 
 Ochtertyre, and it is to be presumed that Jock 
 explained to her fully the object which the two 
 -^visitors had in view. M'Service went down to the 
 boat leaving Archy with the travellers. The 
 captain, and indeed almost all the crew, belonged 
 to the district of Lochspelding, and took a lively 
 interest in the success of the presentee. What the 
 sheriff officer said to the landlady, or to the 
 captain, or did with regard to the liquor, if he 
 
PBRriDE ALBYN. 205 
 
 actually did anything, must be left to conjecture. 
 Suffice it, in the meantime, to say that after an 
 absence of about ten minutes, he returned to the 
 public house, as the steamer was shortly to start. 
 He found the two adventurers almost asleep, 
 while Archy sat looking at them with the satisfied 
 air of a coUey dog when his charge is upon its 
 good behaviour. 
 
 " Come along, Mr, Casey," said M'Service» " it's 
 time for us tae gang." 
 
 They all rose, and proceeded to the steamer, 
 which they soon reached.. 
 
 "I incline to have a bit av a snooze," said 
 Casey, when they got on board j "we've had 
 precious small slape, an' that moighty big walk 
 over thim hills, an' yer pate reek, whishky, and 
 Lundim parter, have made me intoirely saparifici 
 an' no mistake." 
 
 Fillyerglass expressed his desire to enjoy tha 
 same luxury, 
 
 " Jist come in here then," said M'Service, 
 shpwing them into a bunk ; " stretch yersels there, 
 an' a'U ca' ye when we stop." 
 
 " Ye're a good sowl," muttered Casey, as he fell 
 asleep, a remark which, was responded to by a 
 loud snore from Fillyerglass.. 
 
 " Is it all right f" said the captain, as M'Servic© 
 
208 PERFIDE ALBYN. 
 
 and Archy leaped from the paddle-box to the pier, 
 ■while the steamer moved off. 
 
 "Yes," significantly observed the other; "I 
 hope you'll see them safe to Ireland." The only 
 answer was a hearty laugh, as the captain 
 mounted the bridge. 
 
 The steamer, in consequence of the temporary 
 derangement of one of her paddles, did not reach 
 her first port of destination until an early horn* of 
 the next morning after her departm-e fi.-om Loch- 
 spelding, and still the two passengers in whom 
 we are at present interested, slept. The noise, 
 however, of tramping feet upon deck and blow- 
 ing off of steam, and the other hubbub attendant 
 upon the mooring of a steamer at a quay, awak- 
 ened the sleepers, and, drowsy and stupid, they 
 rose firom theii- lairs, rubbed their eyes, and looked 
 around. They had been two or three nights on 
 their journey fi.'om Porterbier, at sea, and over 
 unknown ground, had imbibed a considerable 
 quantity of different liquors, and lost their ordi- 
 nary perception of the lapse of time. 
 
 " Whar are we noo V said Fillyerglass. 
 
 "Faix and that's joost what I don't execkly 
 know," rephed his companion. " I reckon we're 
 somewhere in the lough where they find speldings 
 and finnan haddocks, I feel moighty bad. My 
 
UP IN THE MORNING. 207 
 
 head's splitting, so I thinlc tine best thing we can 
 take is to have a hair av the dog that bit us." 
 
 "Aweel a daursay ye're richt," said Fillyer- 
 glass ; " a dinna feel verra weel mysel'. A wunner 
 whaur's Mr. M'Service." 
 
 " Oh ! -we'll soon find him." 
 
 " Steward I" he called out, " bring some whisky 
 bitters, and tell Mr. M'Sarvice that we want him." 
 
 The steward smiled, and said, " Yes, sir." 
 
 Having discussed their "mornin'," as Alister 
 called it, and waited for some little time, Casey 
 smelt the tempting aroma of breakfast in the 
 cabin. 
 
 " Be jabbers," he exclaimed, " I feel oncommon 
 hongry. I must have brickfist." 
 
 " A verra guid thing," said Alister. 
 
 "What's become of Mr. M'Sarvice?" asked 
 Casey. 
 
 " He went up the pier about half-an-hour ago," 
 replied the captain, "and asked me to tell you 
 that he would be back as soon as he found 
 whether the person he spoke to you about last 
 night was at home." 
 
 "All right," said Casey; "but, bedad, I don't 
 know at all who that same person is." 
 
 The steamer was only to wait for about an 
 hour, and om- two travellers consumed nearly 
 
208 UP TO THE LOCKUP. 
 
 that time at breakfast. The warps were cast o£^ 
 and the, boat was ready to back out, when the 
 captain came down to the cabin, saying hurriedly, 
 "Now, gentlemen, you must get ashore. Mr. 
 M'Service is waiting for you at the head of the 
 quay." 
 
 So they hastily ran up the cabin stair and leapt 
 on the pier. 
 
 The steamer moved off. It was a raw morning, 
 misty clouds rendered every object dim and 
 obscure. As they walked up the jetty, Casey had 
 a hazy idea that he had seen the place before. 
 It was not, however, until he got into a street 
 that he formed any definite notion of where he 
 was. All of a sudden, he exclaimed, with a look 
 of great consternation, " Be jabbers, but they've 
 landed us at Portslush! sowl, and what are we to 
 do at all, at all?" 
 
 Passing round the corner of a street a policeman 
 met them right in the teeth. 
 
 " Hillo ! Timothy, darlint, is that you? Why, 
 man alive, we've been looking for you for a long^ 
 time. Come along wid me — ^in a hurry now. 
 Shure it's cowld ye're looking this blissed marnin'." 
 
 " For what ?" said Casey, turning pale. 
 
 "For O'Dowd's forged bill, av coorse. Who's 
 yer friend f 
 
TJP TO THE LOCKUP. 209 
 
 "A hae naething to dae \vi' forged bills," 
 tremblingly ejaculated poor Fillyerglass, while 
 the Tinlticky Casey only uttered a groan. 
 
 " I'll take both on yez, howandivir," said the 
 policeman; and the two unhappy searchers for 
 evidence were marched oiF to the police station. 
 
CHAPTER XIII. 
 
 SETTLING THE RELEVANCY— ARGUMENTS FOR AND AGAINST TIIE 
 EELEVANCY OF THE OBJECTIONS— SCENES IN THE CHURCH — 
 CHARACTERS OF THE REV. CALEB BOUNCER AND THE REV. DR. 
 TOTTY M'KILLEUSSELL. 
 
 f\^ the day appointed for receiving the call, 
 ^-^ and settling the relevancy of the objections, 
 the Presbytery of Dunderhead met in the parish 
 church of Veto. The audience was not quite so 
 numerous as that of the previous meeting, but 
 still there was a very considerable attendance. 
 The proceedings were opened by the Moderator, 
 Mr. M'Slykey, with a prayer, during which he 
 appeared to be what is called in Scotland 
 " greeting." 
 
 The minutes ran as follows : — 
 
 At Veto, and in the parish chui-ch there, the 
 ' day of 18— years. 
 
 This day, the Presbytery of Dunderhead ha-^ong 
 met conform to appointment, and being consti- 
 tuted.— Sederunt.— The Rev. Dr. Totty M'Kill- 
 russell, of the parish of Cullacliy; the Rev. Thomas 
 
Matters Op form. 211 
 
 M'Slykey, of the parisli of Greetlmo-vve ; the Rev. 
 Lauchlin Mackintrowsers, of the parish of Loch- 
 abernomore ; the Rev. Dr. Pompeius Browser, of 
 the parish of Blairorgan; the Rev. Alister 
 M'Cringer, of the parish of Ochonochi-ee ; the Rev. 
 Caleb Bouncer, of the parish of Ivirkiphiraout ; 
 the Rev. Whymper M'Snee, of the parish of GilHe- 
 callum; the Rev. Ebenezer Sneckdraw, of the 
 parish of Brose Athole; the Rev. Teevish 
 M'Sneevish, of the parish of Sneeshan ; the Rev. 
 Havral Clash, of the parish of Clavers ; the Rev. 
 Inldiorn Sku-leywhitter, clerk of Presbytery. 
 
 The minutes of last meeting were read and 
 approved of. 
 
 Parties being called, there appeared for the 
 presentee, Mr. Gabby Garrempey, S.S.C, Edin- 
 burgh ; and for the objectors, Mr. Sharper Poind, 
 writer, Glasgow. 
 
 The call being asked for, Was produced by Mr. 
 Leonard Smites, teacher of the side school. 
 
 The Presbytery instructed the clerk to analyze 
 the call, when it was found that it was signed by 
 five hundred individuals, of whom there were no 
 heritors, two hundred communicants; one hun- 
 dred names were signed by marks, and fifty by 
 mandates 
 
212 EELEVANCY DISCUSSED. 
 
 The Presbytery resumed consideration of the 
 objections, when, having compared the names 
 attached to the same with the roll of communi- 
 cants, they found that the nimiber of objectors on 
 the roll was ten. 
 
 The Presbytery then proceeded to take up the 
 relevancy of the objections. 
 
 The Moderator said the first objection was as 
 follows : — 
 
 " The parish of Veto is very large and hilly, 
 the ways are extremely crooked, and the country 
 generally is covered with morasses, batiks, braes, 
 woods, stiles, and burns. It is very uncultivated, 
 and it would require the services of a young, 
 vigorous, and energetic minister, which the pre- 
 sentee is not, he being a man upwards of fifty 
 years of age. It is understood that he has a wife 
 and family, and a lame leg, which is shorter than 
 the other, and is thus legally disqualified for 
 attending to the ministerial interests of the 
 parish. He would find it to be very up-hill work, 
 and the objectors believe that it would be more 
 for the good of the church if he were to be settled 
 somewhere else." 
 
 The Moderator asked the presentee's agent if 
 he had anything to urge against the relevancy of 
 this objection. 
 
SYMPTOMS OF DISORDER. 213 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "Moderator, I admit that to 
 a certain extent the ways of this parish, or at 
 least of some of the parishion — I mean parts of it 
 — are extremely crooked and uneven; and with 
 regard to morasses, I confess I have seldom seen 
 more of them than are to be found in this locality, 
 and I admit that they are uncultivated." 
 
 Mr. M'Cringer — "What do you mean, Sivl" 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "I mean what I say; I am 
 speaking to the relevancy, and I beg you won't 
 interrupt me. 
 
 " But as these asses — I beg pardon — ^morasses, 
 do not require to be crossed by the presentee, 
 although all of them seem quite capable of being 
 eo, I don't see that this objection has any force. 
 The sooner, however, the parish is drained of 
 them the better. As to the banks and braes, 
 woods, stiles, and burns, the objection is very 
 vague. The only bank of any consequence I 
 know in the parish is the Union Bank. There is 
 no specification given of these banks, braes, and 
 streams. In fact they are more vaguely referred 
 to even than those celebrated by Burns, in his 
 song, as being 'All around the Castle of Mont- 
 gomery.' " 
 
 A voice from the gallery — " They're all round 
 my hat." 
 
214 DISORDER. 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Bouncer here rose, in rather an 
 excited state, to call for order in the court. After 
 some very violent observations, in which he intro- 
 duced the name of Dr. Browser, he concluded by- 
 saying, " The Presbytery cannot submit to be in- 
 sulted by outsiders. It is quite plain that the 
 individual in the gallery who said, 'All round my 
 hat,' wished to take his nap off the Presbytery." 
 
 The Rev. Dr. Browser — " I think you are dis- 
 playing too much hauteur in the matter. No 
 doubt the interruption was improper, but more 
 temperate language might have been employed. 
 Above all, you have no right to insinuate that I 
 encom'age such demonstrations. I may be a 
 popular or an unpopular man. If you are not so, 
 whose fault is that? The words of a certain 
 Latin author of the post classical age seem to me 
 to be very applicable to yom* complaint on the 
 score of hat: — 
 
 ' Rorum scorum sunt dirorum, 
 
 Harum scarum divo, 
 Tag rag, merry derry, periwig, and Lat band, 
 
 Hio haeo hoc horum genitive.' " 
 
 Considerable ruiEng was heard from the gallery 
 at the conclusion of the Doctor's remarks, amidst 
 the fi-antic gesticulations of his opponent. 
 
MOKE DISORDER. 215 
 
 Rev, Mr. Bouncer — " I protest against this, and 
 if any such interruption occurs again, I shall move 
 that the party caixsing it be removed, an example 
 which I hope will be felt." 
 
 Moderator — " I think we had better let Mr. 
 Garrempey go on." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "As to the part of the iirst 
 objection, which states that the parish requires 
 the services of a young, vigorous, and energetic 
 minister, it is also vague. It might, and probably 
 did mean that he was wanted to many some 
 young lady in the parish." 
 
 Mr. Puncheon here rose in great wrath from 
 his seat in the area, and, shaking his fist, 
 exclaimed, " What do you mean by that. Sir f 
 
 "Mr. Garrempey — "You have no more right, 
 Sir, to interrupt the court than the man who said 
 ' All round my hat.' " 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I beg your pardon. There are 
 special circumstances existing as to the state and 
 condition of the parish that justify Mr. Puncheon." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — -"Mr. Puncheon is not a 
 member of court, but merely an objector." 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — " Mr. Puncheon is one of 
 the most respectable parishioners of Veto, and any 
 attempt to cast a slur upon his family connections 
 ought not to be allowed." 
 
216 ATTACK AND DEFENCE. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "I cast no reflections upon 
 Mr. Puncheon or his family ; I merely said that 
 the objection was vague, and that it might mean 
 what I stated." 
 
 Rev. Di\ Browser — "I must rise to order. I 
 beg to move, Moderator, that the agent for the 
 presentee proceed with his argument." 
 
 At tliis stage Puncheon and Sheepshanks 
 exchanged glances. 
 
 " I think the Doctor's going against us," said 
 the latter. 
 
 " I've no doubt of it j I'll make him regret it. 
 I know he hasn't paid up his last bill to Sandy 
 Sampson, the banker. I'll try if I can get the 
 screw put on him." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey being allowed to go on, pro- 
 ceeded as follows : — 
 
 "Moderator — I cannot see the force of the 
 objection under discussion. It is said that my 
 client is a man of fifty years of age, with a wife 
 and family. Why should a younger man be 
 necessary ? Are there not elderly people in the 
 parish, fathers and mothers of families to be 
 looked after, and is it not more likely that such a 
 person as the presentee, of tried experience, 
 would be iiseful in the parish, than some 
 youngster fresh from the Divinity Hall? I 
 
ATTACK AND DEFENCE. 217 
 
 apprehend, Moderator, that the very fact of my 
 client being of the age stated, and married, is one 
 of his highest recommendations." 
 
 Mr. M'Cringer — " Doubtful. A young man will 
 "work harder and get up new sermons." 
 
 Eev. Dr. Browser — " How many new sermons 
 did you ever get up?" 
 
 Kev. Mr. M'Cringer — " That, Sir, I consider to 
 be an impertinent question, and as it conveys an 
 insinuation very disparaging to my character as 
 a clergyman, I call upon you to apologise." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — " I merely asked a question. 
 If there was any insinuation at all it was made by 
 yourself, for you led us to infer that the presentee 
 would only give old sermons." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — " An' what for no ? 
 An old sermon's as guid's a new one." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — " That depends upon who 
 composed it. If it is taken from the printed 
 sermons of some eminent divine, with a name 
 sounding very like Bradley, and is given verbatim, 
 or translated into Gaelic, it would doubtless be 
 good enough." 
 
 The Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers collapsed — 
 
 Moderator — " This discussion is very irregular, 
 and is becoming rather unpleasant. I must insist 
 upon the agent for the presentee going on." 
 
218 ALMOST IN GRIPS. 
 
 " Well, tlien," resumed Garrempey, " when I 
 was interrupted, I was upon the point of the 
 vigorous young man " (looking very significantly 
 at Sneaker, who was seated beside the fair Flora, 
 and others, in the family pew). Perhaps Gar- 
 rempey looked rather long ia that direction, for 
 there was evident confusion in the seat, the lady 
 blushed, and hastily drew down her veil. Sneaker 
 tiurned away his head, for the looks of the audience 
 were tip on him. 
 
 " What are ye looking ower here for ?" shouted 
 Stirk, rising in Avrath. 
 
 " Not at you, Sir, for you were too small to be 
 seen before you rose. I was simply taking time 
 to collect my ideas, and, if you don't be quiet, I 
 must move the Presbytery to put you out." 
 
 A scene of great confusion ensued, little Sthk 
 wishing to leap over the pew, but he was pre- 
 vented. 
 
 " Let him come ower here," roared out Huistan, 
 who was sitting beside Garrempey, " an' a'll fling 
 him back agaiu." 
 
 Mr. M'Cringer — " You have no right to speak, 
 Sir." 
 
 Huistan — " Jist as muckle richt's your freens 
 ower yonder." 
 
 Moderator — " Really this must not go on." 
 
AT IT AGAIN. 219 
 
 Order being at last restored, Garrempey pro- 
 ceeded — " Tlie next part of the first objection is, 
 that the presentee has a lame leg, the one being 
 shorter than the other. Now, this is just as vague 
 as the former. Why a lame leg should legally 
 disqualify a man as minister of a parish, merely 
 because it is lame, I cannot see. The degree of 
 lameness or shortness is not averred, nor which 
 of the legs is objectionable. It is said that it 
 prevents him from walking. The Presbytery 
 have seen the presentee walk, and, in fact, he has 
 gone over the most difficult parts of a neighbo 
 ing parish in company with the Eev. 'Cxr 
 M'Cringer," 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I must remind my friend that we 
 are now considering merely a question of 
 relevancy." 
 
 Ml". Garrempey — " But if your statements are 
 so vague as not to amount to a disqualification 
 on the part of the presentee, the Presbytery, 
 having evidence before their eyes to the very 
 contrary, can take it into account in forming their 
 judgment. Then, as to the statement that the 
 presentee would find it to be very up-hill work 
 for him, and that it would be more for the good of 
 the church if he were settled elsewhere, all I would 
 say is, that it might be up-hill work as regards a 
 
220 AT IT AGAIN. 
 
 few of the objectors, but not with the people 
 generally. The people here desire to have him 
 for their pastor, as the call proves, and there could 
 be no better evidence than this, that his settle- 
 ment in the parish would be for the good of the 
 church. These are all the observations. Moderator, 
 I find it necessary to make on the first objection." 
 
 Mr. Sheepshanks here rose, and said — 
 "Moderator, I want to know what the agent 
 meant by saying that the presentee would have 
 up-hill work with a few of the objectors. I wish 
 him to state who they are." 
 
 Huistan then got up and said, — " Because ye 
 were his enemies afore he cam' here at a'." 
 
 Mr. M'Cringer — " Hold your tongue. Sir, you've 
 no right to speak, the question was not put to 
 you." 
 
 "Ye're ane o' the biggest enemies he's got, 
 yersel'," coolly replied Huistan. 
 
 Another scene here took place, amidst a con- 
 fused noise of voices irom all parts of the church, 
 and remarks of every kind but that of compliment. 
 A regular fight, or rather a very irregular one, 
 was imminent ; but at last, the Moderator having 
 restored order, Mr. Poind rose and said : — 
 
 "Moderator — I do not think it necessary to 
 take up your time with -answering all the obser- 
 
WELL DONE, BROWSER ! 221 
 
 vations of my learned friend, Mr. Garrempey. It 
 must be quite obvious that the objections are 
 perfectly relevant, and similar objections have 
 been sustained in other cases with which you are 
 doubtless well acquainted. I regret that my 
 learned friend should have introduced matters 
 of a personal nature into this case, for they 
 are, as we have seen, only calculated to create 
 irritation." 
 
 It is needless to say that Poind took his cue 
 from M'Cringer, and that the decision the Pres- 
 bytery would arrive at was pretty well known 
 beforehand. 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — " Moderator, I rise to say, 
 very shortly, that I consider the first objection, 
 upon the face of it, clearly iiTclevant. It is ad- 
 mitted that the presentee is a man of only fifty 
 years of age, but that fact, and the circumstance 
 of his having a wife and family, are stated as 
 objections. The objectors want a young, vigor- 
 ous, and energetic minister. For what partictdar 
 purpose they want him they do not say, nor in 
 what respect a young man would be superior to 
 the presentee. The word young is susceptible of 
 comparison. Men of fifty are not considered old, 
 although not so young as men of twenty-five, so 
 that really I do not see any force in this objection. 
 
222 RE-ENTER EINa. 
 
 As to the allegation of lameness and other aver- 
 ments, they are not specific." 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — " Moderator, I am clearly 
 of opinion that the objection is relevant." 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery, after 
 " reasonmg," by a majority sustaiaed the relevancy 
 of the objection — the Rev. Dr. Browser dissenting, 
 and the Rev. Dr. Totty M'KiUrussell declining to 
 vote. Against which deliverance the agent for 
 the presentee protested and appealed to the 
 ensmng meeting of the General Assembly, took 
 instruments, and craved extracts, Avhich were 
 allowed. 
 
 The agent for the objectors acquiesced, and 
 also took instruments and craved extracts. 
 
 The Presbytery next proceeded to consider the 
 second objection, which was as follows : — 
 
 " The presentee does not speak in the broad 
 open manner in which the people of Veto are 
 accustomed to speak and to be spoken to, and this 
 arises from his tongue being either too large or 
 too small for his mouth, or fi-om both causes, or 
 from some defect in his palate, to the objectors 
 unknown, by all, or some, or any of which his 
 discourses are rendered unacceptable and unpro- 
 fitable to his hearers." 
 
 Mr, Garrempey — "I think, Moderator, there 
 
STOPPING AND COUNTEE-STOPPING. 223 
 
 can be no doubt of the irrelevancy of this objec- 
 tion. If it is held to be otherwise, no man except 
 a native of this parish can ever hope to be its 
 minister. As to the discourses being unacceptable, 
 it is a curious circmnstance that while five hundred 
 have signed the call, only fifty have signed the 
 objections. Of these fifty only ten. are communi- 
 cants, and their signatures were procured mainly 
 through the persuasion, as I believe, of a few 
 parties of influence who determined to oppose 
 the presentee before they had ever seen him or 
 heard anything about him, except that he was 
 married." 
 
 Mr. M'Cringer — " Keally, Moderator, we cannot 
 allow this. Here are imputations cast upon 
 respectable people in the parish, which I know to 
 be unfounded." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "How do you come. Sir, to 
 be the champion of those respectable individuals? 
 and how should you say, that what you call 
 insinuations are unfounded ?" 
 
 A voice from the gallery — " He was tutor in 
 ane o' their faimilies, and gat his pairish through 
 that ; an' it's himsel' drew up the objactions." 
 
 The noise and confusion that now arose were 
 beyond description. In the midst of the din 
 M'Cringer. sat down, looking pale and exhaustedi 
 
224 STOPPING AND COUNTER-STOPPING. 
 
 "I think," said his friend, Sneckdi-aw, "you 
 are rather overshooting the mark ; if there's any- 
 thing to be opposed, Ave had better divide the 
 work." 
 
 " Very well," replied M'Cringer, with nervous 
 agitation. 
 
 Rev. Mr. Bouncer — "I must say, Moderator, 
 that we ought to adjom-n to the session-house, 
 and have the matter discussed with closed doors" 
 — ^unfortunately the session-house in the parish of 
 Veto wouldn't have held even the Presbytery. 
 
 We must do this reverend gentleman the justice 
 to say that he was no party to M'Cringer's designs. 
 He was a man of independent action, thoroughly 
 conservative in views, but obstinate to a degree> 
 and extremely fond of combating against the 
 advocate whose client he determined to oppose, 
 and of quarrelling with his brethren. But when 
 a case went against his own views, he was the 
 first man to see that whatever decision was pro- 
 nounced was carried out according to the laws 
 of the chm-ch, a duty which many of his brethren 
 in similar cu-cumstances were only too anxious to 
 avoid. He was a firm ally but a bitter opponent 
 so long as opposition lasted ; with an end of the 
 case, however, came an end of the bitterness. 
 
 Moderator — " Well I think it will be absolutely 
 
STOPPING AND COUNTER-STOPPING. 225 
 
 necessary to do wlaat you propose, if such scenes 
 are to be repeated. I really would impress upon 
 those in the gallery not to interrupt the pro- 
 ceedings." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "Moderator, while I regret 
 these disturbances as much as any member of 
 Presbytery, still it must be admitted that there 
 has been as much if not more interruption from 
 some individuals in the area." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " If Mr. Garrempey means to say 
 that my clients have caused any disturbance, I 
 deny it. Have you finished your observations, 
 Mr. Garrempey?" 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " Yes ; I don't thiak it will be 
 of much use to say anything more." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " Moderator, I have very little to 
 state. The objection I hold to be quite relevant. 
 In fact it was held to be so in the Malcolmkill 
 case, and I daresay one of the most distinguished 
 members of this or perhaps of any other Presby- 
 tery, whom I am glad to see now present, will 
 corroborate me in sayiag that evidence was led 
 to a great extent in that case, that the presentee 
 did not speak in the broad open manner in which 
 the people of that parish were accustomed to 
 speak and to be spoken to. I, of course, allude to 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell." 
 
226 REV. DE. TOTTY M'KILLEUSSELL. 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell— "Moderator, Mr. Poind 
 is quite correct as to evidence having been 
 given of the description, but so far as 1 remember, 
 there was no special objection framed like the 
 present. I took, however, very little iaterest in 
 the case to which he refers, although I did ia two 
 previous cases in that parish, particularly the first," 
 
 "And finished the presentee," said the Eev. 
 Mr. M'Sneevish to his friend Mackintrowsers, 
 "by showing that one of his sermons was a 
 verbatim copy of the discom'se of some nameless 
 English divine taken out of an old magazine. It's 
 a good thing for some of us that we came through 
 the fii-e before Lord Aberdeen's Act, ehl " 
 
 Mackintrowsers looked straight before him, but 
 made no reply. 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell was perhaps as chaste 
 and eloquent a preacher as any in the Church of 
 Scotland. Probably for coiTectness and elegance 
 of diction he was surpassed by none. A consum- 
 mate master of the English language, he was an 
 adept in the art of uniting an unexceptionable 
 grammatical collocation of words to idiomatic 
 purity and simplicity of expression. He possessed 
 a style combining the highest rhetorical effect 
 with the strictest logical accuracy of argument. 
 Resides having the advantage of profound scholar^ 
 
SOME CHAEACTEIl PA.TNT1KG. 227 
 
 sliip, he could freely employ those illustrations 
 which extensive reading and an imagination 
 tempered by discipline render so valuable to the 
 preacher, and which enable him to exemplify 
 forcibly and clearly the truths he wishes to unfold. 
 These, enunciated by a man of most reverend 
 appearance, in a voice naturally melodious, 
 employed with art and modulated by practice, 
 rendered his discourses unusually attractive and 
 always profitable. There was nothing spasmodic 
 or sensational; all was, to a certain extent, level, 
 but everything was elegant. There was not the 
 tumult or spume of the torrent; you heard only 
 the pleasing murmur of the rippling stream now 
 flowing noiselessly over some pebbly bed, now 
 forming smooth and gentle waterfalls, while 
 flashes of silvery light seemed to dance upon its 
 surface as one peered through the beautiful 
 foliage which bordered its green and mossy 
 banks. Earnestness and solemnity accompanied 
 the voice; there was reverence in the look, and 
 tinith and conviction Hung upon the lips. 
 Added to these, there was a kindness and bon- 
 homie about the man which made him a friend to 
 all, and all friends to him. jiHe was ill-assorted 
 in his Presbytery, but his love of literature led 
 him at any rate to take a less active interest in 
 
228 SOME CHAEACTER PAINTING. 
 
 .churoh cases than his younger or more fiery 
 brethren, and perhaps he was wanting in that 
 physical courage, which is frequently the only 
 remarkable quality most of them possess. His 
 mind was of too intellectual a cast to permit of 
 his being boisterous or rude. Such a nature was 
 incompatible with the existence of the mere 
 animal boldness which enables some men to 
 -endm-e with indifference, the rough and tumble 
 chances of the world. 
 
 The Doctor continued — "I don't think the 
 objection, as it stands, relevant. If it were put 
 in the form in which it was sustained, in the case 
 to which Mr. Poind refers, I would have had a 
 different opinion." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — " I concur in the view just 
 expressed. If this objection were sustained, no 
 man could expect to be settled in any parish 
 unless he were brought up in it, and that would 
 hardly suit some of us, I tliink." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Boimcer — " I quite agree with the last 
 two speakers, and principally upon the grounds 
 just stated. Besides, although the presentee's 
 mode of speaking may not be what the pai-ishion- 
 ers have been accustomed to, they will soon get 
 used to it." 
 
 Dr Totty M'Killrussell— « Or perhaps, he might 
 
CONCLUSION OF ROUND FIRST. 229 
 
 go about, as tlie Frenclij)eople do at Boulogne, 
 with their mouths open and their tongues out, 
 pour attraper Taceent franqais — ^to catch the broad 
 open sound of the parish of Veto." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Havral Clash — " I think the objection 
 perfectly relevant." 
 
 Dr. Browser — '• Is that because you happened 
 to be bom and brought up in your present parish I" 
 
 Rev. Havral Clash — " I consider the question 
 impertinent." ^ 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery, after 
 reasoning, unanimously find the objection irrele- 
 vant, the real, though, of course, not the ostensible 
 ground being, that it would establish a very 
 inconvenient precedent to sustain it, should any 
 of themselves happen to receive a presentation to 
 a parish where a broad open accent might be said 
 to exist. 
 
 Mr. Poind protested, and Mr. Garrempey 
 acquiesced ut supra, and the minute closed as 
 follows : — 
 
 " The Presbytery adjourn to meet next day at 
 ten o'clock, forenoon, at the same place. — Closed 
 with prayer. 
 
 " T. M'Slykey, Moderator." 
 
CHAPTER XIV. 
 
 KELEVANCY OF TIIE OBJECTIONS CONCLUDED— HOW THE PRES- 
 BYTERY DISPOSED OF THE OBJECTIONS TO THE PRESENTEE'S 
 RED UAIK, HIS SQUINT, AND THE SMALLNESS OF HIS NOSE — 
 A DRUNKEN BEADLE IN TROUBLF-. 
 
 npHE Presbyteiy met next day at 10 o'clock a,m., 
 ■^ to discuss the relevancy of the remaining 
 objections, before a more numerous and interested 
 audience than on the previous occasion. The 
 proceedings were prefaced by a prayer offered up 
 by the Rev. Mr. M'Sneevish, with a hideous snivel, 
 ■which destroyed any feeling of devotion Hkely to 
 be produced in a crowd which came there merely 
 for amusement. 
 
 The Moderator liad not arrived, having, as it 
 was understood, been dining with a joUy sheep 
 farmer the day before. A severe headache in the 
 morniag required, as was wickedly whispered by 
 those who pretended to Imow, a longer snooze 
 than usual, and brandy and soda-Avater to make 
 all straight. The sederunt did not show a 
 large turn-out of members for several houi-s, 
 but they came dropping in at intervals, making 
 
llGHTma UESUMED. 231 
 
 various excuses for not being present at the 
 proper time. 
 
 The Moderator ■pro iempoi% M'Cringer, found 
 some preliminaiy business to occupy the coui't 
 Tmtil he knew that he had a sufficient number of 
 supporters to carry any motion he wished to make. 
 On the arrival of the ordinary Moderator he left 
 the chair, and the Veto case was proceeded with. 
 
 The Presbytery took up the third objection — 
 
 " That the presentee's voice is too loud for the 
 size of the church, which it fills to an intolerable 
 extent, which is especially distressing to the aged 
 and infirm ; so powerful are the echoes produced 
 by the voice, that very often the voice itself can- 
 not be heard." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " Moderator, I shall not 
 trouble you with many observations as to this 
 objection. I think it is absurd. Had it been that 
 his voice was too weak, I could understand it; 
 but it being admitted that his voice is strong 
 enough, there is an end of it. A man can, by 
 practice, suit his voice to the acoustic properties 
 of any building, if he have lungs sufficient for the 
 purpose; but when he is speaking for the first 
 time in a strange place, he may either speak too 
 low or too loud. As to the aged and infiim, I 
 should say that, for them at least, it would be 
 
232 FIGHTING RESUMED. 
 
 rather an advantage to have a man who could 
 speak well out, as old age does not improve one's 
 capability of hearing." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I quite disagree with my learned 
 friend. If the presentee has got into a habit of 
 loud spealdng, he cannot, like a vicious horse, be 
 cured of his vice. The church of Veto is 
 pecuHar." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " So are some of the people." 
 
 Eev. Mr. M'Cringer — " You must not interrupt 
 Mr. Poind. I see whom you're aiming at." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " I'm glad you do, and trust 
 others wUl see it also." 
 
 Moderator — " We must really go on." 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery, by a 
 majority, sustained the objection. Dr. Totty 
 M'Knirussell, Dr. Browser, and the Rev. Mr. 
 Bouncer dissentiag. Which deUverance was pro- 
 tested against, appealed, and acquiesced in ut 
 supra. 
 
 The fom-th objection was then discussed. 
 
 " The presentee has a fierce head of red hair, 
 which prevents due heed being given to his 
 discoui'ses by light-headed people, who made 
 remarks thereupon, by which the rest of the 
 congregation are prevented fi"om being edified, 
 and they lose the heads of his discourses — added 
 
KIRSTY CAMPBELL'S PUBLIC. 233 
 
 to this, the presentee squints, his nose is too small 
 for the size of his face, and he blows it in a 
 manner and with a snorting noise to which the 
 parishioners of Veto have never been accustomed. 
 From all these causes, or some of them, the 
 objectors cannot follow his discourses, and they 
 have failed to receive any benefit from them." 
 
 Mr. Gan'empey — "Moderator, this objection 
 naturally divides itself into three heads. The first 
 applies to the head of red hair." (Hear, hear, 
 from one of the audience, evidently Irish.) 
 
 Moderator — " Who said ' Hear, hear f Where's 
 the church officer f 
 
 " He's not here," replied the same voice. 
 
 Moderator — "Really this is too bad. The 
 beadle must be got. Does anybody know where 
 heisf 
 
 " Ou ay," replied some one, equally invisible, 
 " he's ower wi' the ruling elder, Mr. Quaighhorn, 
 haeing twa three gills in Kirsty Campbell's." 
 
 Kirsty's "pubUc" was only a stone's throw 
 from the Idrk, and the beadle, Donald M'Wheesht, 
 was accordingly sent for, as the Moderator inti- 
 mated that the proceedings must be stopped until 
 there was some one in attendance to see that 
 order was kept. Kirsty being known as a very 
 spiritually minded woman, keeping good hoiu:^, 
 
234 KTESTY CAMPBELL'S PUBLIC. 
 
 and above all, good liquor, her establishment was 
 pretty extensively patronised by customers of all 
 cloths, and she consequently carried on a brisk 
 trade, which flomislied under a sign, the lettering 
 of which had been the crowning effort of her 
 eldest son, on the eventful day when, as his 
 exultant parent used to relate, he had finished his 
 last copy book "in the schule o' the godly Mr. 
 Leonard Smites." The progress of the youthfiU 
 artist may be judged of from the following 
 facsimile of his work : — 
 
 
 The cunning rogue had, it would seem, in his con- 
 ception of what a signboard should be, an atten- 
 tive eye to the main chance ; for, as he had, among 
 other onerous duties, to perform that of holding 
 the horses of travellers at the door, he took the 
 opportunity of conveying, in what might appro- 
 
DONALD M-WHEESHT. 235 
 
 priately enough be called the language of signs, 
 the significant hint that horses' heads ought not 
 to be held for nothing, by drawing the figure of a 
 bare-footed Celt engaged in the difiicult task of 
 restraining the antics of an impatient nag, while 
 he, the holder, was in the act of touching his 
 towzy dosan, by way of reverence, to a ridiculously 
 stout personage, who appeared to be making 
 fi-antic efforts in his breeches pockets to find the 
 much coveted tastan as a reward; a proceeding 
 upon which the breechless Dougal seemed to be 
 keeping a steady eye, while the other, by virtue 
 of an atrocious squint, was supposed to be 
 attentively regarding the tail of the recalcitrant 
 charger. 
 
 Donald M'Wheesht was micommonly fond of a 
 " tram" at all times — ^never so much so, however, 
 as when he succeeded in getting it " frae a freen." 
 He had met during the day so many folk who had 
 duly earned that appellation by paying for big 
 gills, that Donald was in that state which is suffi- 
 ciently understood by the comparatively mild 
 expression, " powerfully refi-eshed." Like a good 
 many people in that happy condition, he fancied 
 that nobody could for a moment imagine that 
 he was not perfectly fit for business ; so he had 
 no hesitation in at once obeying the summons of 
 
23a DONALD M'WHEESHT. 
 
 the Moderator to return to the church. Quaigh- 
 horn, although about as far gone as his crony, had 
 less faith in his own powers, or more perhaps in 
 the penetration of others, which amounts to pretty- 
 much the same thing, so he stuck to his gill stoup. 
 When Donald made his appearance, all eyes were 
 directed towards him, as the "sergeant-at-arms" 
 of the reverend court. M'Wheesht unfortunately 
 lost his balance in trying to be too nonchalant, 
 by wishing to insert his snuff-spoon into his mull 
 to take a more deUberate pinch, when he might 
 have successfully accomplished that dehcate 
 operation by the use of his finger and thumb; 
 consequently he made pne or two preliminary 
 staggers, which thoroughly satisfied the com-t 
 that he had been really visiting his acquaintances. 
 
 "Where have you been?" sternly demanded 
 the Moderator, rising from his seat and fixing 
 M'Wheesht, as his snuff-spoon every now and then 
 missed the mouth of the crooked mull, much as 
 provoking watch-keys will persist in dodgmg 
 ho'es in the hands of some individuals at that 
 indefinite hour when it is said to be all one after 
 twelve. 
 
 "Wliere have you been?" agciin exclaimed the 
 Moderator. 
 
 " Oot bye," answered Donald. 
 
THE PRESENTEE'S HEAD IN CHANCERY. 237 
 
 " Were you drinking in Kirsty Campbell's, 
 Sirf 
 
 3e ay and maybe no," complacently 
 replied the beadle; and looking roimd the cbiirch 
 with a drunken leer, he slowly ejaculated, 
 
 " Ye've been gey an' aften there yersel' !" 
 
 " Take the fellow out, he's a drunkard and liar I" 
 exclaimed the Moderator, reddening like a turkey- 
 cock; and sitting down, he was obliged to say, 
 
 "We must do without him. Go on, Mr. 
 Garrempey." 
 
 Donald gave a hiccupy laugh, and staggered 
 out of the chm-ch to rejoin his friends at Kirsty's. 
 
 This scene caused considerable merriment in 
 the reverend court, which there was no attempt 
 made to stop. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " Well then. Moderator, I was 
 &t the first head of the fourth objection as to the 
 head of red hair, when this interruption took place. 
 The second head is, that the presentee squints; 
 the third, that his nose is too small for the size of 
 his face, and that he blows it in a manner to 
 which the people of Veto have not been accus- 
 tomed. Now, as to the first — that is the red hair, 
 I must say, I never read or heard of that having 
 been stated as an objection before," 
 
 Pr. Browser — "He could cut off his hair, and 
 
233 AYES AND NOES. 
 
 wear a wig of a different colour ; that would, I 
 think, obviate the objection." 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell— " That would be the 
 unkindest cut of all, and could only be justified 
 by sheer necessity." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "My client would never 
 consent to sail under false colours." 
 
 Eev. Mr. Bouncer — " What do you say then to 
 a bare pole?" 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — " I think he should cut 
 his stick." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "I have no idea of my client 
 becoming a ' stickit minister,' Su-! Some people, 
 I know, would have been entitled to that distinc- 
 tion, except for the Disruption." 
 
 Here the Rev. Messrs. Havral Clash, M'Sneevish, 
 Sneckdraw, Mackintrowsers, and Sldrleywhitter 
 set up a dismal howl, and insisted upon the agent 
 for the presentee going on with his case, without 
 making offensive remarks. 
 
 Dr. Browser — " Go on, Mr. Garrempey." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " With regard to the objection 
 as to the alleged squint, it was not said that it 
 interfered in any way with his eyesight." 
 
 Dr. Browser — " That objection's all in my 
 eye—" 
 
 Rev. Mr, M'Cringer — " I beg jom pardon ; I— 
 
AYES AND NOES. 239 
 
 I — ^think that the eye is a matter of great import- 
 ance — squinting distracts the attention, particu- 
 larly if he opens his eyes during prayer ; and 1, 
 for one, wUl not wink at an — " 
 
 Moderator — " Ay, ay, but let the agent go on." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " Well, then, Moderator, we 
 now come to the third head, being the question 
 of nose — and to the statement as to the presentee 
 not blowing it as they do in the parish of Veto. 
 This allegation is also very vague. They ought 
 to have told us how they blow the nose there, and 
 in what respect the presentee's blowing was 
 different from their blowing of nose. Who knows 
 what is meant by this statement ? I don't j nor 
 do I think the question of nose of any importance, 
 although I shall probably find a good many ' noes ' 
 against my opinion." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackiatrowsers — "I differ entirely 
 from the learned speaker. I theenk the question 
 o' nose o' great consequence. It's an important 
 member o' the face, an', if it's too small a minister 
 would become — " 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killnissell — "A spectacle to his 
 hearers, I suppose ?" 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — " Jist so, Doctor. I 
 read wunst in a book o' history that the Emperor 
 Napoleon yeed to say, ' Gie me a man wi' plenty 
 
240 AYES AND NOES. 
 
 o' nose.' Noo, I don't see why the people o' Veto 
 shonldna' get a presentee wi' plenty o' nose, 
 an'—" 
 
 Dr. Browser — "In that case, it might be 
 possible to say, with Cowper — 
 
 ' Between eyes and nose a strange contest arose ; 
 The spectacles set them unhappUy -wrong. 
 The point in dispute was, as all the world knows, 
 To which the said spectacles ought toT)elong.' " 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell— " Of course, but as 
 matters stand here it would not. In the first place, 
 the spectacles would, perhaps, be of little use to 
 the eyes, on account of the squint ; and, in the 
 second place, they could not sit upon the nose, on 
 account of its being too small." 
 
 Kev. Mr. Maclnntrowsers — "I don't see boo the 
 maiter o' nose can be got ower at all, even sup- 
 posing — " 
 
 Dr. Browser — "That there was a bridge to it, 
 eh?" 
 
 Eev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — " 1 won't be inter- 
 rupted in this mainer by Dr. Browser; he always 
 stops me when a'm speaking." 
 
 Moderator — "I don't see why, upon this matter 
 of nose, Mr. Mackintrowsers should be so often 
 smibbed. Let him go on." 
 
THE NOBS HAVE IT. 241 
 
 Dr. Browser — " He may blow his trumpet as 
 long as lie likes for me." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Maclnntrowsers — " I was jist going to 
 say, that some people miclit theenk this a maiter 
 o' leetle importance; but, for ma pairt, I theenk 
 it's a consideration — " 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell— "Not to be sneezed at, 
 I suppose, Mr. Mackintrowsers?" 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — "Jist so, Doctor. 
 That's all I've to say, Moderator." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "I have no further observa- 
 tion to make as to this objection." 
 
 Mr. Poind — "I think the objection so clear, 
 that I deem it unnecessary to trouble the Presby- 
 tery with any remarks." 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery, after 
 reasoning, "In respect, the presentee can cut off 
 his hair, and wear a wig, unanimously repel the 
 objection as to haii-, but, quoad ultra, by a majority 
 sustain the objection. Dr. Totty M'Killrussell, Dr. 
 Browser, and the Rev. Mr Bouncer dissenting." 
 Which finding was protested, appealed against, 
 and acquiesced in ut supra. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " The next objection, which 
 is the fifth, is as follows: — 
 
 " The presentee has not attended to his paro- 
 chial duties in the parish of Lochspelding. In 
 
2-12 M'WHEESHT REDIVIVUS. 
 
 particular he lias avoided every opportunity of 
 walking when he could get a lift in a cart or gig, 
 and has thus shown his inabOity to traverse such 
 a parish as Veto; besides, he sometunes resides 
 out of his own parish." 
 
 Mr, Garrempey — "Noav, Moderator, I have had 
 to complain of vagueness in every one of the pre- 
 vious objections. The vagueness of this one 
 must be apparent to everybody, except to those 
 whose nainds may be made up to find everything 
 relevant which is stated against the presentee." 
 
 Mr, M'Cringer — "Moderator, I must protest 
 against such language. It is an insult to the 
 Presbytery to say that any one comes here with 
 his mind made up to find everything relevant," 
 
 Mr, Garrempey — " If the cap dosen't fit, there's 
 no necessity for yoiu- putting it on," 
 
 A voice — "It fits him ower weel; it's pinching 
 him!" 
 
 " Seelence in the coort, or a'U pit ye oot I" 
 roared out Donald M'Wheesht, who had come 
 back perfectly sober. 
 
 This wonderful transformation scene was the 
 work of Mr, Charles Edward Pufi", the soi-disant 
 foreign con-espondent of a famous London daily, 
 which claims to be a cadet of the great house of 
 Jupiter. Charley was then doing North Britain, 
 
M'WHEESH'J: REDIVIVUS. 243 
 
 unknown, as he said, to the fashionable world of 
 Paris. He apparently had no difficulty, on the 
 supposition of his account of himself being cor- 
 rect, in keeping up his Parisian correspondence 
 from the highlands of Scotland. One thing at 
 least was certain, that he regularly received from 
 London a copy of that exceedingly useful paper, 
 L^ International. It would, if one could trust to 
 Charley's estimate of himself, have created quite 
 a sensation on the Quai D'Orsay, had it been 
 known that he had deserted his post, resulting 
 probably in a panic on the Bourse and the inter- 
 pellation of the British Ambassador. 
 
 But of Charley and his doings is the record 
 not to be found in the next chapter ? Meantime, 
 it will suffice to state here that, dining his sojourn 
 at Porterbier, he had taken an unmistakable 
 interest in the outs and ins of the Veto case. 
 AVhether it was on this account, or from the 
 peculiar attractions of the "inns" and Kirsty 
 Campbell's "public," or from all combined, that 
 Charley made a longer stay than he intended in 
 Porterbier, it is not easy to say, but certain it is 
 that — ^result of a pretty early and late attendance 
 at these two celebrated establishments — ^he had 
 formed a number of miscellaneous acquaintances, 
 none of whom he would have willingly introduced 
 
244 M'WHEESHT BEDIVIVtJS. 
 
 to the Tuileiies, even par la porte de derriere, 
 which some people were wicked enough to 
 insinuate was his own mode of entrance thereto, 
 and whom he certainly would have avoided in 
 the environs of Compi^gne. He had of course 
 fraternised with Mr. Gabby Garrempey, who, he 
 admitted, was a scholar and a wit, wonderful to 
 say, in spite of being only a Scottish lawyer. He 
 entertained for Huistan pretty much the same 
 feelings of esteem as the inhabitants of LiUiput 
 did for GulUver, but he had a thorough regard 
 for Donald M'Wheesht, which almost culminated 
 in adoration, after the finished way in which he 
 had disposed of the Moderator. If the truth must 
 be told, Charley had materially contributed to 
 the disgrace which had overtaken his favourite, 
 by " shouting " too extensively, as they do at the 
 diggings, by way of treating all hands to Tinlim- 
 ited mutchkins of Kirsty's "double strong," of 
 which it is only fan* to say that Charley, with the 
 proverbial English pluck, did not decline to take 
 what Huistan called "his ain guid whack." It 
 was natural therefore that he should endeavoui' 
 to rehabilitate the fallen beadle in ecclesiastical 
 circles, and with this praiseworthy intention he 
 had given Donald a glass and a-lialf of piu-e 
 French vinegar, got him to wash his head, face, 
 
M'WHEESHT REDIVIVUS. 245 
 
 and cliest, and to place his feet in cold water. 
 The effect was, as Donald said, " jist miraculous," 
 and he returned to his duty, if not a wiser, at 
 least a soberer man. 
 
 " Seelence in the coort, I say !" again called out 
 Donald. « 
 
 " Gae ower tae Kirsty's an' hae anither gill wi' 
 the ruling elder an' yer English freen !" exclaimed 
 some one not far from where the beadle was 
 standing. Donald looked roixnd, but could fix 
 upon nobody as the offender. 
 
 " Wha said that ?" he ejaculated, with a look 
 of admirable indignation. 
 
 No answer. 
 
 " It's really too bad," said the Moderator. " Go 
 on, Mr. Garrempey. I think, Mr. M'Cringer," he 
 added, in a low voice, " you needn't be so thin- 
 skinned. -You see what it leads to." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " Under this objection, if held 
 relevant, it will be competent for the objectors 
 to prove non-residence in the parish." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " And we mean to do so." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "You do. Thank you, for 
 admitting it. Let me direct your attention. 
 Moderator, to the first section of Lord Aberdeen's 
 Act. It provides that objectors are entitled to 
 state any reasons against the settlement of a 
 
246 ROUND SECOND. 
 
 minister which do not infer matter of charge 
 against the presentee, to be prosecuted and fol- 
 lowed out according to the forms and discipline 
 of the church. Now, by the terms of the Act of 
 Parliament, 8 James VI., c. 132, non-residence 
 infers deprivation from the ministry. His alleged 
 non-residence is actually part of the objection, 
 and it is admitted that they intend to prove it. 
 I submit that it would be monstrous to sustain 
 the relevancy of such an objection." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I maintain that we are entitled 
 to have the objection found relevant." 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbyteiy, after 
 reasoning, by a majority sustain the relevancy of 
 the objection. The same parties as before dis- 
 sented, protested and appealed, and acqiiiesced 
 id supra, 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "The sixth objection is as 
 follows : 
 
 " The presentee is not disposed to be charitable, 
 for, in the opinion of the objectors, the Psalms he 
 selected Avere intended to irritate and insult those 
 who might tliink it a Christian diity to oppose him. 
 His prayers had no unction, and he opened his 
 eyes so frequently, that with his peculiar squint, 
 he mesmerized several aged and in&m females, 
 who were found so fiist asleep, that they could 
 
ROUND SECOKD. 247 
 
 with difficulty be roused to consciousness, although 
 various passes were made under then- noses with 
 potent snuff-boxes and pungent vinaigrettes." 
 
 " The only relevant part of this objection is as 
 to the prayers. The rest is so clearly irrelevant 
 that I will not take up the time of the court with 
 discussing it." 
 
 Mr, Poind — " I contend that the whole objec- 
 tion is perfectly relevant." 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery, after 
 reasoning, by a majority sustained the relevancy 
 of the objection, the parties formerly dissenting 
 repeating their dissent, except as to the prayers. 
 Protested against and acquiesced in ut supra. 
 
 Mr, Garrempey — " The seventh objection is as 
 follows : — 
 
 "The presentee's delivery had more the ap- 
 pearance of recitation than a direct appeal to the 
 imderstanding and heart, and the discourses 
 appeared to have been got up for the occasion, 
 but were not appropriate. They were imcon- 
 nected and hurried. Besides, the presentee did 
 not, on two occasions, read any portion of the 
 Holy Scriptiires at the commencement of the 
 services, as enjoined by the Directory of the 
 diurch of Scotland." 
 
 " This objection, as stated, is not relevant, but 
 
248 BOUND SECOND, 
 
 there are the elements of relevancy in it, I demur 
 entirely to the latter point of it." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I maintain it to be entirely rele- 
 vant." 
 
 The Presbytery, after reasoning, by a majority, 
 found the objection relevant. 
 
 Protested and appealed against, and acquiesced 
 in ut supra, 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " The eighth and last objec- 
 tion is as follows : — 
 
 " That the presentee has endeavoured to make 
 himself too agreeable to the paiishioners of Veto, 
 and resides in an inn or hotel, ia the village of 
 Porterbier, contrary to the dignity and character 
 of a minister of the gospel " 
 
 " This objection is totally irrelevant. The only 
 objections competent to be entertained by the 
 Presbytery are those sanctioned by Lord Aber- 
 deen's Act, and this is not one of them." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I contend that we are entitled to 
 prove all facts and circumstances connected with 
 the presentee's mode of actiag and Hving, and as 
 such, the objection is clearly relevant." 
 
 Dr. Browser — " Do you mean to say that the 
 presentee was not entitled to live at an inn % " 
 
 Mr. Poind — " He might have gone to private 
 lodgings." 
 
A RALLY. 249 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killriissell— " Why should he have 
 gone to private lodgings 1 " 
 
 Kev. Mr. M'Cringer — "It -would have been more 
 respectable." 
 
 Here Huistan, the respectability of whose 
 hostelry seemed to be in peril, could not restrain 
 himself. 
 
 " Dae ye mean tae say that ma ' Inns ' is no 
 respectable, Sir ? It's a' verra weel for you an' a 
 wheen mair o' ye, tae get yer meat and drink frae 
 yer fi-eens there (pointing to the pew where 
 Puncheon and the other objectors were seated)^ 
 an' yer horses pit up; but ma hoose is jist as 
 respectable, an' may be as comfortable as ony o' 
 theirs. Mony a time ye've come there yersel' 
 whan ye couldna' get a denner ony ither place for 
 naething." 
 
 Another scene now ensued between the con- 
 tending parties, amidst the laughter and merri- 
 ment of the audience. Huistan's blood was now 
 up. 
 
 " A'll make ye pey for yer words. Sir, aboot ma 
 hoose." 
 
 M'Cringer knew the litigious disposition of 
 M'Huistan, so he at once said that he had nothing 
 to say against the respectability of his house, but 
 quite the contrary. 
 
250 WIND UP. 
 
 Parties being removed, tlie Presbytery, after 
 reasoning, by a majority sustained the objection 
 as relevant, Dr, Totty M'Kilbmssell, Dr. Browser, 
 and tbe Kev. Mr. Boimcer dissenting. 
 
 Protested, and appealed against, and acqui- 
 esced in ut supra. 
 
 Tlie Moderator asked the agent for the 
 presentee whether he admitted or denied the 
 truth of the objections, in so far as found relevant. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " I deny then* truth." 
 
 The following judgment was then pro- 
 nounced: — 
 
 " The Presbytery admit the objections in so far 
 as found relevant to proof, and allow the parties 
 a conjunct probation, and appoint this day fort- 
 night, at twelve o'clock noon, in the Parish Church 
 of Veto, for the objectors to proceed with theii- 
 proof, and grant diligence against witnesses and 
 havers. Which finding the agent for the 
 presentee protested against, and appealed, and 
 the agent for the objectors acquiesced in tit 
 supra. 
 
 " The Presbytery adjourned to meet at Veto 
 upon the above date. 
 " Closed with prayer. 
 
 " T, M'Slticey, Moderator," 
 
PARTIES ARE REMOVED. 251 
 
 So closed tlie- farce called "Settling the 
 relevancy of objections" in a Presbytery court 
 of the Church of Scotland. 
 
 It may be as well to explain, that the phrase 
 " parties being removed," does not mean that they 
 are actually removed, but that they are held to be 
 so by a sort oijictio juris. They are thus supposed 
 to be out of court after havmg finished then* 
 arguments, while the Presbytery are debating the 
 matter themselves, but as will have been seen, 
 this absence from the scene of action is only 
 imaginary. 
 
 We have been thus minute in order to depict 
 not merely the scenes which have occm:red and 
 will always occur in chm'ch com'ts so long as the 
 present monstrously absurd system lasts, but to 
 show the exact procedure of these remarkable 
 tribimals. 
 
CHAPTER XV. 
 
 "OUE SPECIAL COinnSSIONER" AMONG THE HIGHLAND INN-KEEP- 
 ERS — MR. CHARLES EDWARD PUFF, FOREIGN AND DOMESTIC 
 CORRESPONDENT OF THE DAILY FLABBERGASTER— HIS DOINGS 
 AT THE CLACHAN OF BRACKANECKORTWA AND THE "MNS" 
 AT PORTERBIEIl — ^NOCTES HUISTANIANJS CHRISTIANjEQUE. 
 
 /^ ARREMPEY, on getting out of the close and 
 ^^ fetid atmosphere of the church, was strongly 
 tempted to adjourn to Kirsty Campbell's " pubHc," 
 if he could only fall in with some congenial soul 
 to keep him company, for, with all his failings, he 
 never drank alone. He had missed his crony, 
 Huistan, as the meeting " skaled," and Avas look- 
 ing about to see if he could find him, an operation 
 not often of a troublesome kind, for you had 
 merely to look above the heads of ordinary 
 mortals, if that were not in itself an impossibihty, 
 to discern the head, shoulders, and almost the 
 pedamenta themselves, of the Celtic Goliath, but 
 Huistan was nowhere to be seen. As luck 
 would have it, the wandering eye of the now 
 somewhat drouthy lawyer lighted upon the 
 slim and elegant figure of Mr. Charles 
 
MR. CHARLES EDWARD PUFF. 253 
 
 Edward PuiF, dressed in a suit of orthodox 
 Brougham check, with a rakish Glengarry- 
 floating gi-acefully upon the crest of a wavy curl 
 of his glossy black hair. Charley was standing 
 with his back to a tree, smoking an intensely 
 black and unreasonably short "cutty," the head 
 of which looked, at a distance, like a flashy jet 
 ornament dangling from his nose, suggesting the 
 idea of the private Secretary of the king of the 
 Zulus, in his latest outfit from Moses and Son, an 
 airing of himself in some favourite contiguity of 
 shade. Charley, while thus fumant paisiblement sa 
 pipe, was regarding with marked attention the 
 droves of " gentlemen lifters " as they issued 
 from the kirk, who, he no doubt considered, were 
 carrying a dangerously metaphysical expression 
 in their countenances, while sullenly trotting in 
 the direction of their respective wigwams. 
 
 Garrempey's countenance brightened up. 
 
 We should have said that Charley and he had 
 speedfly ripened into warm friends, although in 
 many respects they were the very antipodes of 
 each other. Charley was an intense Cockney, 
 aggravated, if that were possible, by a degagd air 
 of aplomb, copied from the French. He was born, 
 as he often boasted, within sound of Bow Bells, 
 and, as a necessary consequence, possessed in an 
 
254 MR. CHAHLES EDWARD PUFF. 
 
 eminent degree the tendency with which every 
 Englishman utters his first sqneak on earth, to 
 wit, an overmastei-ing tendency to chaif. Gar- 
 rempey, on the other hand, had all the attic 
 flavour about him of " Sweet Edinburgh" (which, 
 alas! we do not "smell the noo") as it existed in 
 the days when "Auld Reekie" might faii-ly claim 
 to be called the modern Athens. There was a 
 mellow "caller ou" ring about his voice, delight- 
 fully reminiscent of oyster suppers, and intel- 
 lectual fish dinners at Newhaven, He could chaff 
 too, when he liked, but his banter was not of that 
 irrepressible description which seems to carry 
 away a Southron, body and soiil, whether he will 
 or no. Garrempey preferred to converse — or chaff 
 if you will — over a bowl of steaming punch, when 
 everything was snug for the night, and could do 
 it all the better for bemg pretty smartly mitated 
 by the darts of a nimble picador like Pufi". 
 
 Charley had made rapid progress in his 
 Scottish education. He had become quite as 
 good a judge — and let us add, quite as efficient 
 a di'uiker — of the various whiskies distilled in 
 Veto as the redoubtable Huistan Iiimself, a feat 
 which it had been the height of his ambition to 
 accomplish; for it seems to be part of the instinct 
 of an Englishman — ^particularly of a Cockney — 
 
ME. CHARLES EDWARD PUFF. 255 
 
 to stop short at nothing to equal a Scotsman; if 
 possible, to beat him in his own country, whether, 
 by so doing, he makes himself ridiculous or not. 
 There are some people who will make them- 
 selves Hibernis hilernioi-es. If we were not com- 
 mitting a bull, we would say that John does that 
 pretty often m Scotland, if nowhere else. He 
 has somehow got it into his head that he will not 
 be outdone by a Scotsman, even in things Scotch; 
 and it is only justice to say, that it is a moot point 
 whether John does not, upon the whole, come off 
 best, even in that competition; for after he has 
 once fairly got over the bagpipes — ^into the proper 
 manipulation of the kilt and its accessories, and 
 has satisfactorily trained himself by drinking 
 whisky and swallowing oatmeal porridge, we 
 know, from bitter experience, that he is not a 
 customer to be encountered rashly, even by such 
 a veteran as Long John himself, and he was a 
 salamander ! You may reasonably expect to find 
 John in the highlands, dancing the reel of Hul- 
 lachan, with as much abandon, and as completely 
 oblivious of the fact, — or equally regardless of the 
 consequences that he is entirely breechless, as 
 Vich Ian Mhor himself; but you will rarely, if 
 ever, find him kicking out his toes in an Irish jig, 
 twirling a shillelah, and burrabooing with Paddy 
 
256 ME. CHAELES EDWARD PUEF. 
 
 at Donnybrook, or contorting his body with 
 hideous grimaces, in order to imitate Mossoo 
 frenzied -n-ith the cancan at MabUle, "Whether 
 this spirit of emulation on the part of John arises 
 from a feeling of latent respect for Sandy himself 
 and his barbarous institutions, or is a remnant of 
 the old combative spuit "wliich animated the two 
 races in days happily long gone by, it may be 
 difficult to say, but, with all his abuse of Sawney, 
 he cannot help at times showing that he has 
 something of a sneaking regard for him at bottom; 
 at all events he is not disposed to allow anybody 
 else to wallop him with impunity. 
 
 Charley fairly won the adrnkation of Huistan, 
 not merely by his prowess as a drinker, but by 
 having actually got the better of that astute 
 individual in a desperate dispute with regard to 
 the purity of his own Gaelic. Charley had, for 
 the short time he had been in the country, 
 acquired a wonderful command of the phi-aseology 
 of that highly poetic and somewhat impracticable 
 dialect, in which, we are Bony to say, he had 
 succeeded in being able to swear to Huistan's 
 perfect satisfaction. His proficiency — ^not, how- 
 ever, in this latter respect — was in a great 
 measure owing to his having mixed pretty freely 
 among the lasses of Porterbier; but it is due to 
 
MR. CHARLES EDWABD PUFF, 237 
 
 their and Charley's fair fame to say that, for rapid 
 progress in the language of Ossian, he confined 
 himself to a strictly British use of that rather 
 seductive Dictionnaire, which is invariably recom- 
 mended in the Quartier Latin to those impatient 
 foreigners qui veulent apprendre Men vite la langue 
 franqaise. If any amount of smacking the rosy lips 
 of the lasses of the clachan could impress the pro- 
 nunciation upon Charley's tongue, he ought to have 
 been a thorough proficient, by a mode which, 
 although hardly consonant with the rules of the 
 parish school system in Scotland, Charley found 
 to be most eificacious in enabling him to mouth 
 the jaw-breaking consonants of one of the most 
 venerable and beautiful of languages. 
 
 These premises being granted, it will not be 
 surprising to be told that Charley should, as a 
 necessary consequence, have arrived at a point of 
 familiarity at which Garrempey did not feel it to 
 be at all an impertinence when he unexpectedly 
 heard himself one evening addressed by Charley, 
 in the course of mixing his fifth tumbler, by the 
 free and easy appellative " Gabby;" nor would it 
 be possible to sit in the company of the lively 
 littdrateur for half-an-houTi without being com- 
 pelled, in spite of any resolution to the contrary, 
 to accost himself by the name he liked best— 
 
258 MR. CHARLES EDWARD PUFF. 
 
 "Cliarley." By these endearing terms was the 
 intercourse between this odd pair and their com- 
 mon friend, Huistan, kept up, except during the 
 existence of a feud, which, it is as well to confess, 
 broke out pretty often, resulting commonly in the 
 parties suddenly finding themselves addressing 
 each other with dehberate politeness, as Mr. 
 Garrempey, and — ^Mr. Pufi"; varied in the case of 
 Huistan, who, however, never quarrelled with the 
 former, by his changing "Chairley," his usual 
 mode of address, into that of " Maister Chairles," 
 an alternative style which always indicated that 
 Huistan was " ony thing but weel pleesed " with 
 his guest's conduct. 
 
 The entente cordiale, although experience proved 
 that it ran imminent risk of being shattered at a 
 particular stage of the evening, was, however 
 when broken, always restored by that mysterious 
 influence which you are told is created by taking 
 "a hair of the dog that bit you," so that, cemented 
 by this powerful coherent, it would have been 
 difficult for a stranger to say where the crack 
 could have been in those hinges of Mendship 
 which we so often devoutly wish may never rust. 
 If, therefore, that much abused hquor — whisky — 
 did, as was often alleged, poison the concord and 
 harmony of the social meetings of these three 
 
TA PRAISE 0' WHUSKEY. 259 
 
 worthy compotators, it at least possessed a 
 quality not common to all toxical agents ; for, 
 granting that the antidote to some poisons is, by 
 a mysterious dispensation of Providence, to be 
 found in the very locality in which the virus is 
 produced, usquebaugh, that glorious aqua vitae, 
 was specially designed, at the moment it was dis- 
 tilled from the arhor vitae in the garden of Eden 
 to possess the valuable property of being an 
 antidote to itself I The evidence upon this par- 
 ticular point, as well as upon that of Gaelic 
 having been the vernacular tongue of Adam and 
 Eve, is so overwhelmingly clear, that there is not 
 the least chance of its ever being seriously dis- 
 puted by anybody, except perhaps by some rabid 
 teetotaler. The virtues of whisky have often been 
 sung by bards of great renown. Indeed there 
 would be no difficulty in showing that the dear 
 old toper, Anacreon himself, had chiefly that soul- 
 inspiring liquor ia his eye, or perhaps in his head 
 after having wet the other eye, in some of his 
 most charming odes, and not the fiasionless wine 
 of Samos. At all events, the odds are that had he 
 confined his potations to genuine Ferrintosh, or, 
 as Huistan would have recommended, Ardbeg, 
 he wouldn't have been choked by the stone of a 
 grape at foiir-score, nor have had a statue voted 
 
2e0 TA PRAISE 0' WHUSKEY. 
 
 to him in the citadel of Athens, representing him 
 as an old drxmken man singing, with marks of 
 dissipation and intemperance depicted on his 
 countenance. We question whether Anacreon or 
 any other bard ever more graphically sang the 
 praises of Hquor than a local bard of Huistan's 
 acquaintance, who composed a song in praise of 
 whisky, which Charley insisted upon the worthy 
 landlord singing as regularly after the brewing of 
 the first tumbler as he himself asked a benediction 
 over his favom-ite roast beef, for Charley was not, 
 in this respect at least, graceless in his behaviour. 
 It would be a pity that this cantilena bibatoria 
 should be lost to posterity, and we ^\dll, therefore, 
 give it as nearly as possible in the very words — 
 as we took them down firom his lips — of the sweet 
 einger of Porterbier himself: — 
 
 " TA PRAISE O' WHUSKEY." 
 
 Air — Ntil Omo's Farewell to Whisky. 
 
 Ta praise o' whuskey she will Hve, 
 An' wish ta glaiss aye ia her neive, 
 She disna sooht what she could live, 
 Wisoot a wee drap whuskey, ! 
 
 For whuskey is ta sing ma laad, 
 Tae cheer her heart whane'er she's saad, 
 An' trive bad sochts awa' like mad, 
 Pheugh! tere's naething like goot whuskey, O! 
 
DOINGS OF "OUR SPECIAL." 261 
 
 O whuskey's goot, an' whuskey's gran', 
 Ta pestest pheesic efer fan', 
 She wishes she had in her han', 
 A great pig shar o' whuskey, ! 
 
 Ta leddies tey will glower an' blink, 
 Whane'er tey'U saw't a man in trink, 
 Put by themsel' tey'll nefer wink. 
 At four pig trams o' whuskey, O ! 
 
 Charley's professed object in making an expedi- 
 tion to the Highlands, was to enjoy some quiet 
 fishing, but in reality to overawe the Highland 
 innkeepers; the Daily Flabbergaster, firom which 
 he professed to be accredited, having suddenly 
 discovered that it had been called upon, in the 
 interests of Providence, to equalize the tariff of 
 European hotels. Charley, in order to fulfil this 
 mission, was obliged to assume as many disguises 
 as Proteus, and to be equally dodgy in answering 
 troublesome questions as to his own identity. 
 Not Aristasus himself, would have succeeded in 
 getting anything out of Mm, unless, indeed, he 
 and Charley had fallen in with one another among 
 the Delilahs of Porterbier. Now, he appeared aa 
 the writer of a letter in the great Daily, signed 
 "An indignant traveller," giving a harrowing 
 pictm-e of the systematic plunder carried on at an 
 
262 DOINGS OF "OUR SPECUL." 
 
 establishment situated at the summit of the pass 
 of Brackaneckortwa, at an elevation somewhat 
 less than the city of Quito, where, having found 
 nothing high except the establishment itself — 
 everything in fact, disgustingly cheap, for a place 
 eo remote from the ordinary haunts of man — ^he 
 had happily discovered, on the eve of departing, 
 that the eggs were charged in his bill at the 
 atrocious price of a penny a-piece. Charley 
 immediately put himself thi-ough a violent course 
 of hard sweai-ing at the astonished waiter, pre- 
 paratory to composing a crushing letter. In vain 
 was it explained by the trembling garqon, discon- 
 solate at the remote chance of receiviiig even a 
 pour hoire from so irate a guest, that eggs had 
 "riz" in consequence of the same operation having 
 been performed by the fowls, who had at that 
 particular time of the year left their nests on 
 strike, and could not be egged up to the laying 
 point, although they had been fii-st judiciously 
 locked out to starve them into work, and had 
 afterwards been gratified with unrestricted corn. 
 Charley's anger was not to be allayed, and he 
 hon-ified the dejected "yez, zii-," by telling liim 
 that they might easily have been chaffed into it, 
 but that the whole affair was merely a device of 
 the unconscionable landlord, to compel the 
 
DOINGS OF "OTJE SPECIAL." 263 
 
 iinforttmate Philistines who came under his yoke 
 to shell out. 
 
 At another time Charley's letter appeared to 
 proceed from a henpecked paterfamilias, who had 
 been led by the evil spirit of his wife into the 
 wilderness, where, for an indefinite period of time, 
 he had been cruelly fleeced by that uncanny 
 personage, " Ta Pherson." He drew, by way of 
 contrast, vivid pictures of the comfort and 
 economy of some unpronounceable Gasthoff, near 
 an unheard of Brunnen, the precise locality of 
 which was indicated as being situated somewhere 
 between the Thuringian Forest and the lower 
 Rhine, where Chateau Margaux, St. Jullien, St. 
 Estephe, and God knows how many other scented 
 stuffs could be had at the rate of a yard of pump 
 water. He depicted in glowing colours some 
 deliciously cheap and cozy estxmiinet, at the foot of 
 some impossible col, perfectly inaccessible to 
 Professor Tyndall or the Alpine Club, or to any- 
 body else, for the obvious reason, that to scale its 
 giddy peaks it would have been necessary to 
 climb the heights of Charley's imagination ; or 
 perhaps he caused your mouth to water with the 
 dainties to be found in the lovely auberge of the 
 Val de Gr^ce, not to be found either in Murray or 
 Baedeker, nor, most provoking of all, in the 
 
264 DOINGS OP "OUR SPEOL\L." 
 
 locality itself. But the most miscluevous cut 
 wbicli Charley delivered, in the coui-se of his 
 crusade against the imfortunate Highland inn- 
 keepers, was the coup de grace which he bestowed 
 upon that hapless wight, " Ta Pherson " himself, 
 in damning what he confessed was very good 
 sherry, by making it appear as "imdoubtedly 
 ckeri," knowing very well, the sly rogue, that John 
 Bull always associated that word with the soimd 
 of something excessively dear, and which had a 
 remarkable tendency to cause him to button up 
 his breeches pockets. 
 
 After all, Charley's heart was really in the 
 Highlands. He loved its whisky, especially 
 Ardbeg, which he declared was utterly guiltless 
 of producing sensations of matutinal remorse, but 
 it is an open question whether it would not have 
 been better for Charley in the end had there been 
 added to it, after being racked, or in the process 
 of mixing for the retail trade, a few judicious 
 racking headaches; but as Huistan, to use an old 
 phrase, did not retail evil spii-its, Charley enjoyed 
 the rare privilege of being able to rise with the 
 lark as brisk as a bee, after having di-ank with the 
 owl till he was, as he himself admitted, frequently 
 as blind as a bat. Charley indeed loved the High- 
 lands, its dark glens and craggy bens, its roaring 
 
DOINGS OF "OUR SPECIAL." 265 
 
 streams, and even its solemn peat-haggs, where, 
 in certain moods, he would sit, sometimes for 
 almost a day, without even seeing the ghost of a 
 " lifter," deeply interested in the sober proceed- 
 ings of a solitary crow, or endeavouring to come 
 to a satisfactory understanding with a persistently 
 skirling and eminently vituperative peese-weep. 
 He had serious intentions of making it up with 
 " Ta Pherson," by organizing an extensive reading 
 party, through a young Balliol friend, to take up 
 its quarters next season upon the summit of 
 Brackaneckortwa, by which time, he said, he had 
 been assured by Dugald, the waiter, that matters 
 would be changed for the better, as there were 
 evident signs that the hens were beginning to 
 feel ashamed of the discredit they had brought 
 upon the establishment by their foul proceedings 
 on a former occasion, and that they would require 
 no more coaxing to do their duty. 
 
 It was apparent, with all his quizzing pro- 
 pensities, that Charley really had a weakness for 
 Scotland and Scotsmen, particularly for that 
 section of them whom he expected to find, on his 
 first arrival, in all the gorgeous array of tartan 
 plaid and eagle's plume. Although, when in a 
 cantankerous mood, he was apt to say, that it 
 would be a great blessing if Mr. Fox, or some 
 
266 DESIGNS OP "OUR SPECIAL." 
 
 other eminent entrepreneur, would undertake, by 
 chartering the Great Eastern, or in any other 
 effective way, to send every Caledonian in Lon- 
 don back to the Land of cakes and brother Scots, 
 it tui-ned out after all that this unhallowed wish 
 was not father to the thought, but owed its 
 parentage to a huge figm-e of speech, often in the 
 mouths but never really in the hearts of liis 
 countrymen. Charley had many friends in Lon- 
 don who would require to go, if such a sweeping 
 ukase went out in the land of the Philistines; and 
 we rather imagine that his resolution would be 
 somewhat shaken before it came to the shaking 
 of hands at the wharf, or that, if carried out, he 
 would occasionally be heard plaintively singing 
 with a Cyder cellar whine, efficiently supported 
 by a pot of Truman : — ■ 
 
 " AVill ye no come back again? " 
 
 We ought perhaps to close oui' notice of 
 Charley by giving a sketch of his appearance, and 
 something of his liistory, but we have good and 
 sufficient reasons for not doing so at present, as 
 from sundry hints, which he unguardedly let fall 
 on an occasion when the sixth tumbler had com- 
 pletely thawed away the floes of a caution which 
 never entii'ely gave way before the fifth, we are 
 
DESIGNS OF "OTJR SPECIAL." 207 
 
 rather afraid that, emboldened by the astonishing 
 success of his countiymen in their late razzia npon 
 the domains of the Scottish dnkes, Charley con- 
 templates attacking upon the first opportunity a 
 county where the chances of success, he is firmly 
 persuaded, will be anything but for Lorn. Were 
 we, therefore, to sketch Charley as he really is, 
 Ave are afraid that we would be aiding and abet- 
 ting him; in short, actors, or art and part in an 
 unconstitutional attackuponthe prescriptive rights 
 of the legitimate lords of pit and gaUows, for our 
 sketch would be so flattering that it would, doubt- 
 less, decide the electors. We know Charley too 
 well to believe that he would scruple about at 
 once publishing it as a certificate, in the full 
 belief that it would be vastly more efficacious as 
 an introduction than the subtle but infelicitous 
 credentials of Mr. John Stuart MiU, which, just as 
 effectually as if they had been ordinary millstones, 
 succeeded not only in drowning the hapless 
 candidates round whose necks they were hung, 
 but that brawny dialectician and flowery letter- 
 writer, the miller himself, although he did succeed 
 in showing, before he sank, that the chosen of 
 Kilmarnock, if he was not actually one of the 
 blackest tares in the crop of Whigs, had certainly 
 been guilty of weariag his bonnet somewhat awiy. 
 
26S NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 "Well, Gabby," said Charley, in his blithest 
 mood, leaving the tree, under the shade of which 
 he had been smoking, and putting his blackened 
 calumet, which, in the Highlands at least, was not 
 always one of peace, into his pocket, " what would 
 that muscular Christian, John Knox, or honest 
 Sandy Peden, say to the state of discipHne in the 
 Auld Kirk nowl That man M'Cringer would 
 send them into particular fits, if they could only 
 obtain leave of absence from tother sphere, and 
 reappear in modern conventicles. You must get 
 up another solemn League and Covenant to put 
 down this iniquitous system. Beales and Bright 
 would let you have cheap the old machinery of 
 the Reform League, which, failing its being dis- 
 posed of to the American ambassador for Barnum's 
 museum, is, I understand, to be sold by public 
 auction." 
 
 " I don't care what League or Covenant is set 
 up," said Garrempey, who looked harassed and 
 worn out, "provided only we could overturn 
 the League and Covenant formed against my 
 client." 
 
 " My estimable friend, Donald M'Wheesht, gave 
 you a good lift to-day, didn't he ? " said Charley, 
 smiling. "Lord I how he bowled over that 
 Moderator, M'Slykeyl He won't be on the qui 
 
NOX CHEISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 269 
 
 Vive in a hurry again, as to Donald's visits to 
 Kirsty Campbell's, I'll go bound." 
 
 " I hope Donald won't lose his place through 
 it, Charley?" 
 
 "Not a bit of it. M'Slykey's afraid to say 
 anything more about it, and so are the others, 
 for Donald says he's determined, if they do, like 
 Samson of old, to bi-iug down the premises upon 
 their Calvinistic heads." 
 
 "Let's go," he continued, "and see how Kirsty's 
 getting on. A tumbler of that cool water ' frae 
 the wall,' with a ciader in it, would go down 
 amazingly just now — my throat's almost choked 
 up with Presbyterian dust, and, to use the expres- 
 sive language of the village sweep, has as ' muckle 
 need o' soopin' as Kirsty's lum.'" 
 
 "Agreed. I feel almost inclined to make a 
 night of it here, instead of going all the way to 
 Porterbier. I'm quite fagged and worn out." 
 
 " I'm your man, then ; come ! cheer up, Gabby, 
 you'll beat these fellows yet, if there's law or 
 common sense left in broad Scotland." 
 
 Garrempey shook his head, as they entered 
 Kirsty's sanded parlour. "You don't know the 
 outs and ins of an ecclesiastical case so well as I 
 do, Charley, or you would know that it's a mere 
 toss up in the Assembly," 
 
270 NOX CHRISTIANA FBLICISSIMA. 
 
 "Well, we aren't mucli better off at home, 
 although, certainly, we haven't this precise way 
 of doing things. Don't let the thoughts of it 
 spoil your appetite, however," continued the 
 lively Englishman, as they sat down to the tempt- 
 ing black-faced mutton chops which Charley had 
 ordered to be ready at a previous visit to the 
 "public." 
 
 " Hallo ! here's our friend, Huistan," he exclaimed, 
 in the same cheery mood, which is one among the 
 many good qualities of his countrymen a Scotsman 
 most covets, and has the least chance of ever 
 possessing. "Come in, my worthy son of Fingal, 
 cliief of lifters, we're going to have a chop, and 
 make a night of it under the shade of the Auld 
 Kirk I What do you say to that, Hugh f — giving 
 him a thump upon his broad back, which Huistan 
 took as complacently as would a favom-ite tabby 
 the gentle stroking of the youngest toddler of the 
 family. 
 
 "A' richt, Chan-ley, but ye'U maybe ken the 
 auld freat, ' The nearer the kirk, the farther frae 
 grace,' " 
 
 " Can't be much nearer the last article, Hugh, 
 than we are now," said Charley, at once begin- 
 ning with " For what we are going to receive," — 
 
 " Man, ye're an awfu' heathen, Claairley !" said 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 271 
 
 Hiustan, ■when he had finished, with a look, as to 
 which it wotild be difficult to eay whether it was 
 more mdicative of the chuckle or the frown. 
 
 " You English care nae mair for spiritu" — 
 
 "Don't say that, now, Hugh. Just ask my 
 purse or the stocking in which you keep your 
 bank account. Either of them will tell you that 
 I've invested pretty extensively in the spirit 
 trade." 
 
 " Hear till him noo !" said Huistan, fairly in for 
 a hearty laugh, 
 
 "Come along. Gabby! mix up," called out 
 Charley, after the cloth had been removed, and 
 the " ammunition" had been brought in. " Huistan's 
 just clearing his tuunel for the usual overture, 
 ' Ta praise o' Whuskey.' " 
 
 Garrempey began at last to wake up, and song 
 and toast and brimming glass succeeded each 
 other, as only these highly disciplined bacchan- 
 alians could make them do. By a curious psycho- 
 logical phenomenon, which can never probably be 
 satisfactoiTly accounted for without a miaute 
 analysis of the peculiar properties of the favourite 
 Ardbeg, everything seemed to go on smoothly, 
 during these jolly nodes, until the mixing of the 
 fifth tumbler, when, as certainly as Charley tossed 
 off his first glass of it, something was sure to be 
 
272 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 said or done by one or other of the parties to dis- 
 turb the hai-mony of the evening. It was curious, 
 too, as Charley always averred, that this idiosyn- 
 crasy never seemed to manifest itself when the 
 liquor di-ank was that of any other distillery. 
 Let it be Lossit, Lagavulin, Campbeltown, or 
 GlenKvet, all went merry as a marriage bell, but 
 the 4MHt moment Charley felt a devilish inclination 
 to pitch into the Scotch, that moment he knew 
 that he was drinking genuine Ardbeg, and 
 that he was, to a certainty, beginning his 
 fifth tumbler. It has never been ascertained as a 
 positive fact, however, whether the liquor itself 
 actually communicated tnis beUicose disposition 
 to its patron, or whether it was not rather the 
 disposition of the drinker to attribute it to the 
 liquor; but there is, at least, some presumptive 
 evidence to support Charley's theory in the fact, 
 that in precisely the same chcuftistances, failing 
 Charley, at or about the very same time, either 
 Garrempey or Huistan anticipated the attack, by 
 carrying hostilities across the Border, the result 
 being a perfect cyclone of discord, accompanied 
 by showers of invectives of the most dangerous 
 and alarming character, which fell incessantly 
 from the roofs of mouths, into which nothing 
 seemed to enter but toddy, or to issue but abuse. 
 
XOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 273 
 
 On the particular nox in question, Charley 
 happened to be the party who opened fire. 
 
 " Yes,"" he said, with an unmistakable sneer, 
 after having been engaged for some minutes in 
 looking intently into his tumbler — the ominous 
 fifth, of coui'se — in which he must have seen some 
 eldrich Caledonian carrying off the Elcho challenge 
 shield, or receiving an appointment in the Indian 
 civil service, and grinning a horrid grinof savage 
 triumph. " You're a peculiar people, you Scotch 
 — you are. — Hang me ! if it's possible to live with 
 you anywhere in comfort! You must quarrel 
 with somebody rather than be idle. Your cursed 
 industry must find employment, even in pulling 
 to pieces the Auld Kirk itself. The Irish are 
 lambs compared to you. I do expect, when I 
 come back here again, which will only be, I 
 suppose, when I am threatened with softeniag of 
 the brain, to hear that, like the Kilkenny cats, 
 you have eaten each other up except the tails, 
 which will, no doubt — as specially pointed out by 
 the Psalmist — be found scattered at the grave's 
 mouth, so eloquently alluded to by M'Sneevish in 
 his last discom'se." 
 
 " Ye sud hae sed, at the door o' ma wliusky 
 shop at ance, Maister Chairles, for a ken brawly 
 that's what ye're meanin'," exclaimed Huistan, 
 
274 KOX CHMSTIANA. FELICISSIMA. 
 
 whose birse was begirming to rise. " If ye kent 
 yer Bible as weel's ye dae thae fallows ye ca' 
 Homer and Shakeyspur, ye Avucl ken may be, tbat 
 David, wKas name ye tak sae aften in vain, wasna' 
 Bpeakin' o' tails at a', but only banes being scat- 
 tered at the grave's mootli. A'm ashamed o' ye, 
 Maister Chairles, for yer complete ignorance o' 
 Scriptiu-, and that naisty takin-aff way ye hae. 
 A'm onything but weel pleased ^^'i' ye, Maister 
 Chairles." 
 
 " Dear me ! Mr, M'Huistan," repUed Charley, 
 also standing upon his dignity, and putting off 
 reluctantly a malicious inclination to make matters 
 worse, until Garrempey, who was doing what 
 Homer was said at length to have done — to ydi, 
 nodding, awoke. 
 
 " Dear me, what's yom* dander up for now ?" 
 
 " It's too grave a maiter," said Huistan, unwit- 
 tingly perpetrating a pun, " to be treated in that 
 wey." 
 
 " Well, well, Mr. M'Hiiistan, if weVe been ill- 
 treating any subject, we have been maltreating 
 ourselves at the same time. We'll make no more 
 bones about it. Let it be like tales that ne'er 
 were told. 'Here's t£(,e a' honest Scotchmen."' 
 He emphasised " honest." 
 
 "Meanin' cor absent freens, a reckon," said 
 
KOX CHKISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 275 
 
 Hulstan, now faii-ly roused. " A ken yer meanin' 
 be yer miunpin'. A'U no drink't." 
 
 " Well, then, you may be " 
 
 " No, a'll no be " 
 
 " What the deuce is all this about 1" suddenly 
 exclaimed Garrempey, who had been roused from 
 his slumber by the noisy voices . of his excited 
 companions. 
 
 "Abootf said Huistan; "Ye may weel ask 
 that. It's Maister Chaii-les there, talrin' advantage 
 o' me because ye're asleep, an' abuisin oor coun- 
 try, as he kent weel that a wasna' sae able as ye 
 are tae tackle him." 
 
 "Oh I indeed," said Garrempey; "at his old 
 tricks again ? What's the grievance now 1 Is it 
 the hon and the unicorn again, or the Wallace 
 monument, or have they given any other govern- 
 ment appointment to a Scotchman f 
 
 " Ou, he's jist been saying, wi' ane o' thae 
 infernal sneers o' his, that we're a pecooliar 
 people, an' has been likening us tae Kilkenny 
 cats, and Gude kens what." 
 
 " Well, if we're a peculiar people, I suppose 
 you'll admit, Charley, that we're also zealous of 
 good works f said GaiTempey, in his usual quiet 
 way. 
 
 Charley clearly saw that Huistan's object wad 
 
276 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICTSSIMA. 
 
 to cause his friend Gabby to fall foul of him, for 
 they invariably went together, and he had there- 
 fore to sustain the attack of both, or at least of 
 one encouraged by the other, for Huistan rather 
 acted the part of a judicious bottle-holder for 
 Garrempey, or bottle-helper, than took an active 
 share in the controversy. Had Charley been 
 disposed to throw oil upon the troubled waters, 
 he could easily have done it, as matters had not 
 proceeded the length of a regular engagement, 
 for, as yet, the skii-mishers only were out; but he 
 had no doubt that had he done so, Huistan would 
 have at once supposed that he was showing the 
 white feather, Charley had conceived a prodigious 
 admuation for Huistan. He knew that he was 
 as courageous and magnanimous as a lion, and 
 believed him to be quite as strong. He wouldn't 
 for the world have risked the chance of losing, hi 
 Huistan's opinion, any portion of that braveiy, 
 the extent of which he so much admired ia 
 himself. Of the two, he would infinitely have 
 preferred to be blamed for the grossest rashness, 
 if it only possessed a grain of corn-age, than to be 
 praised for the rarest prudence with which it was 
 possible to associate an atom of fear. But was it 
 not the fatal fifth tumbler? So he siu-Hly an- 
 swered, 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 277 
 
 " I don't deny yonr zeal, yon have taken suiS- 
 cient pains to let the world know all about it, 
 and to flaunt before ue, what you call the perfer- 
 vidum ingenium Scotorum ; but I say again, you're 
 prudish, narrow-minded, clannish, and given over 
 to the most zealous cultivation of trifles." 
 
 "Oh, ho!" said Garrempey, scenting like the 
 war horse the battle, but not from afar, fumbling 
 for his box, and going through the preparatory 
 operation of hitching one leg over the other, sure 
 signs of coming strife. 
 
 " What precise charge do you make against us 
 noM^Mr. Puff?" 
 
 "Why, there's that absurd movement, the 
 other day, of your restless professor of Greek in 
 Edinburgh — Blackie, and some of his congeners, 
 heralded by a petition to the Queen, to compel us 
 in England to call everything British instead of 
 English — British press, British army, British Par- 
 liament, There'll be nothing left of old England 
 at all, if these fellows have their way of it. The 
 roast beef of old England must become the roast 
 beef of old Britain, We shall have to get' new 
 editions of all our standard works, expunging 
 every allusion to England, Let's see how it 
 woidd go. We'll take 'Ye mariners of England,'" 
 
 " Campbell," growled forth Garrempey. 
 
278 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 "Yes, Campbell," re-gi-owled Charley. "What 
 of that?" 
 
 « Old England," cynically replied Gai-rempey. 
 
 "Old dot— "—but Charley checked himself, 
 and caught up the reins of his temper, which were 
 just about slipping from his hand. He began to 
 sing with a ludicrously correct imitation of the 
 mode in which Huistan would certainly have sung 
 that song — 
 
 " Ye ma-a-rmars of Bree-ee-tan." 
 
 "Tam it! Maister Chairles, are ye mockin' 
 meV 
 
 " Not at all, Mr. M'Huistan. I'm rnerely trying 
 to see how the song would answer to the new 
 regulations proposed by Professor BlacMe. We 
 would require, I'm afraid, to ask that highly 
 respectable and restless professor to remodel oiu" 
 prosody for us, which, of course, he would be veiy 
 willing to do. I've no doubt he would also pro- 
 pose that we should read EngKsh with a strong 
 Caledonian accent, just as he is now making his 
 unforttmate students do with Homer, by getting 
 them to read the immortal lines of the gi-eat bard 
 as if he had spoken a bastard dialect of Byzan- 
 tine Greek instead of Ionian." 
 
NOX CHEISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 279 
 
 " I'm not going to dispute with you, Mr. Puff," 
 said Garrempey, after he had carefully finished 
 loading his left nostril with a powerful charge of 
 Taddy, "as to the proceedings of Professor 
 Blackie, either with regard to the petition, or the 
 modem pronunciation of Greek, although I have 
 no doubt he is right in both of these matters. 
 With regard to the latter, everybody except yotir 
 countrymen admits that Erasmus, whose pronun- 
 ciation you follow, knew as much about the real 
 pronunciation of Greek when he propounded it as 
 you do about the language of the Picts. What 
 the dialect was which Homer spoke, I don't pre- 
 tend to know. As the common belief, however, 
 is that the poor old fellow begged his bread 
 among the Greeks, and that the brigands of 
 some seven of then- villages quarrelled about 
 his body as vigorously as they were lately 
 doing about Crete, it is to be supposed that 
 Homer must have been pretty well up in the 
 various dialects of that highly intellectual and 
 rapacious race. But what I want you to do is 
 to reduce the charge you are making against 
 us to a definite issue, that we may discuss it 
 coolly and soberly." (They were now at then- 
 seventh tumbler ! ) 
 
 " Well, Sir, I suppose you have seen the paper 
 
280 NOX CHRTSTIANA FELICISSTMA. 
 
 of yesterday"? You'll find all I have to say in the 
 second leader there." 
 
 " Ha, ha ! You mean the rhapsodies of Jupiter 
 Junior f 
 
 " I mean, Su-, the paper I have the honom* to 
 represent at present. It may be Jupiter Secundus 
 in point of age, but, Sh, allow me to say that it is 
 secundus nulli in point of talent." 
 
 " Pardon me, Mr. PuiF. I imderstood from you 
 the other night, when I took you to be perfectly 
 sober, that you represented no paper at present ; 
 that you were merely here on a fishing excm-sioh. 
 Perhaps yovi're the person figuring in the Athcnceum 
 just now f 
 
 " How f said Charley, getting a little red in 
 the face, not knowing exactly what might be about 
 to tiu-n up. 
 
 " Listen," said Garrempey , '• Sensation wiiter 
 to let.-^A literary gentleman, with a river of 
 imagination, and power to drive the machinery of 
 a sensation story, wishes work for his pen." 
 
 " I think," said Garrempey, wdth a provoldng 
 grin, " that answers pretty nearly to the descrip- 
 tion of one who probably learned lais business 
 upon the staff of the joiu-nal you refer to." 
 
 "Not mj forte, Mr. Garrempey — not my forte, 
 I assm-e you," said Charley, stiffly. 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 281 
 
 " Then what is your forte ? I've nerer been 
 able exactly to make it out. It maybe ^e piano- 
 forte, for all we can tell here. You sometimes say 
 you are the Paris correspondent of a London 
 Daily ; then you say your head-quarters are Lon- 
 don ; anon you state that you are unattached, and 
 have come here merely for fishing." 
 
 " Fishing for information, a doot, Mr. Garrem- 
 pey ; as Rabbie Burns says — ' A chiel's amang ye 
 takin' notes.' " 
 
 " I don't take your bank notes, Mr. M'Huistan, 
 at all events," said Charley, bitterly. " Be thankful 
 at least for that." 
 
 Huistan understood the liint, and was silent, 
 for Charley had not been sparing of his gold. 
 
 " AVell, if you are the Paris correspondent, Mr. 
 Puff," observed Garrempey, " perhaps you'll tell 
 us whether you are cet illustre inconnu qui est si bien 
 requ aux Tuileries f 
 
 " You should have added, Mr. Garrempey, 
 when you were at it, what certain malicious 
 countrymen of yoms say — ' quand il y va par la 
 voie de la cuisine,' " 
 
 " Well, what does it matter, Mr. Puff, so long 
 as you can send us such charming historiettes'? 
 All roads lead to Rome, you know." 
 
 GaiTempey perceived that he had struck a 
 
282 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 vulnerable point in Charley's armour, and he 
 resolved to improve the occasion, so he resumed — 
 
 " Pauvre Moeqtiard! I believe the correspon- 
 dent was upon the most intimate terms with him, 
 and, ce cher Conneau, how is the dear physician, 
 ehf 
 
 The chaff was evidently getting into Charley's 
 throat, so, to clear it off, we suppose, he gulped 
 down nearly half the contents of his tumbler, and 
 merely said — 
 
 " You'd better go back, Mr. Garrempey, to the 
 point you started from. I gave you the issue you 
 wanted in the leading article I pointed out to you. 
 Answer it if you can." 
 
 Huistan drank his punch in silence, unable to 
 comprehend very well what the two dialecticians 
 were precisely about, for they seemed suddenly 
 to have walked over to France, and to have as 
 quickly walked out of it, in imitation of the king 
 of that great country, who marched his twenty 
 thousand men up a hill and then marched them 
 down again. 
 
 " Well," observed Garrempey, " as to the peti- 
 tion referred to in the article, I never heard of it. 
 I see it is stated that it was got up by ' a few 
 attorneys, a few country editors, a manufactui-ei* 
 — who doubtless makes veiy good broadcloth 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 283 
 
 ■ — some gentlemen who seem to be nothing in 
 particular, and, positively, two Scotch professors.' 
 If it's so small an aifau* as that," he continued, 
 "it's very probable that the great majority of 
 Scotsmen are as ignorant of, and care as little 
 about it, as I do, and are just as indifferent to its 
 fate as Englishmen were about the inquiry going 
 on some time since in Paddington workhouse, 
 with regard to the practice of taldng the pillows 
 from under the heads of the dying, from motives 
 of hmnanity, to make them go quicker." 
 
 " Got preserve us!" exclaimed Huistan. 
 
 " Well, one thing is, at least, clear to me, Mr, 
 Garrempey," said Charley, without affecting to 
 notice Huistan's exclamation, " that while we, in 
 England, have realized the idea of a United King- 
 dom, by the abandonment of all sectional and 
 local prejudices, you have never risen even to 
 the conception of it. The ti-uth is, you are more 
 provincial than Lancashire, and hardly as im- 
 portant. You are just as narrow-minded and 
 ridiculously proud and impracticable, as when 
 you built herring and haddock smacks and mud 
 cabins, where you now build fleets of steamers 
 and palaces of granite." 
 
 " And as prosperous as we might have been," 
 said Garrempey, with a look of savage kony, " if 
 
284 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 yom- miserable jealousy hadn't ruiiied oiu- Darien 
 scheme ! Is it' necessary to show," he continued, 
 " our conception of a United Kingdom, that Ave 
 should tamely allow you to break the faith of a 
 treaty which contains the very agreement we ask 
 you not to break, but which you most persistently 
 try to evade ? Don't suppose that all the benefits 
 of the Union have come to us. What benefits we 
 do enjoy, Ave get just as you get yours, fi-om 
 pretty hard work. How is it that you find so 
 much to put right in Scotland, and so Httle at 
 home, ehV 
 
 " Well, you won't do it yourselves, so I suppose 
 we must, not being terrified by the Calvinistic 
 skirl which rises fi-om Arthur's Seat and the Pent- 
 land Hills Avlien any jpoor devil ui Scotland dares 
 to have a mind of his OAvn, and to say that you do 
 anything -wrong." 
 
 "I defy you to give any instance of such 
 persecution as that," said Garrempey, rashly. 
 
 He saw in a moment that he had committed a 
 fatal blunder, by the cloud of concern Avhich 
 appeared to be gathering on Huistan's brow, bvit 
 it was too late to retract, as Charley at once ex- 
 claimed — 
 
 " You do, Mr. Garrempey? ^^^ly, Su-, it's only 
 the other day that the branch of the Holy Inquisi- 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 285 
 
 tion, sitting in Glasgow, tore the wretched editor 
 of Good Words from the echoes of Morven and the 
 sound of Mull, and, unmoved by the exquisite 
 pathos of liis plaintive 
 
 'Farewell, farewell to Fuiiory 1' 
 
 relegated him, neck and crop, to the far East, to 
 do penance at the shrine of St, Mishan, for his 
 heterodox opinions concerning the Decalogue, to 
 the imminent risk of his precious life, which was 
 only saved by a doctor's certificate — ^not his own, 
 of course — and by entering into recognizances for 
 his good behaviour. The poor fellow has been 
 remarkably quiet ever since, and in better health, 
 I am glad to say, after undergoing the critical 
 operation of being dehvered from the Indian 
 report ; so much so, that his friends now begin to^ 
 recognize his lineaments, in spite of the almost 
 impenetrable capillary hedge which he has been 
 compelled to wear roimd his heretical mouth, 
 ad vindictam ecclesiasticam. Moreover, his speeches 
 upon those troublesome commandments would 
 have certainly shared the same fate as Buchanan's 
 Dejure Regni apud Scotos, by being burnt at the 
 foot of the Saltmarket by the common hangman, 
 were it not that two of the most distinguished 
 contributors to the Words, almost fi-antic at the 
 
286 NOX CHRISTIANA FELIClSSIMA. 
 
 prospect of the pickle in store for their colossal 
 chef, appeased the Commission of the General 
 Assembly by the most solemn assurances, on 
 the part of Government, that they -wonld not 
 interfere in the forthcoming Bill upon National 
 Education "with the powers of Presbyteries over 
 the Parochial Schools. This compromise, as is 
 well known in metropolitan circles, was earned out 
 by the Lord Advocate, Mr. Moncrieff, very much 
 against his grain, but he was glad to be done with 
 it, as he fancied that the reverend fathers would 
 higgle for an extension of these powers if the 
 negotiations were kept open any longer." 
 
 " If you don't call all that persecution," said 
 Charley, Avith a look of triumph, " I don't know 
 what the word means." 
 
 " That's all very well, Mr. Puff, I see yoiu- diift 
 in this mode of treating the matter. You know 
 that I am dealing at present merely Avith the 
 attitude assumed by the Daily Fldbbergaster 
 towards Scotland, It's a pity yoiU" journal hadn't 
 exercised its ingenuity in the matter of abusing 
 the Scotch before the Thunderer himself had fami- 
 liarized us with articles of a similiar description, 
 and taught us to chuckle over the laborious 
 efforts of Englishmen to be funny at om* expense, 
 which they could very well afford to be, as they 
 
NOX CHRISTIA.NA PEL1CISS.IMA. 287 
 
 invariably took that benefit of clergy, the beauty 
 of which consists in declining a contradictor. 
 Immortal JovE tried this sort of thing sometime 
 ago, when he — I am sorry for Junior's symptoms 
 — happened unfortunately in these canicular 
 days to be afflicted with Scotophobia, and made 
 the groves of Olympus ring with most untoward 
 yelping, or was perhaps maddened, as Bulls 
 sometimes are, by the frequent waving of 
 Cockney tartan ; but finding that the little 
 game didn't yield anything like the amusement 
 expected; that, in short. Englishmen were not 
 deten-ed fi-om shooting grouse upon Caledonian 
 moors, and that the Queen (God bless her !) was 
 not prevented from seeking the quiet retreat of 
 Balmoral, nor from patronising the Highland 
 dress and Athole brose, why, like a sensible god 
 and joiu'nalist, as I have no doubt every London 
 editor is, or believes himself to be, he ceased to 
 hunt Scotsmen, en battue, and turned his attention 
 to things of more importance at home." 
 " Indeed I Pray, what did he do f 
 "Why, Sir, he directed his attention to the 
 misery of Spitalfields, to the distress in East 
 London, to the state of your Poor Law Unions, to 
 the casual wards of your Poor Houses, to your 
 enormous commercial frauds, to the low state of 
 
288 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 morality iii certain of your boroughs, to the 
 neglected state of the education of yotu" lower 
 classes, and to the best means of putting down 
 garrotting. Thanks to his, and perhaps your 
 efforts, in this latter respect, we Scotsmen may 
 venture into Philistia without fu-st insm-ing om- 
 lives, or making our wills. There are worse 
 things, believe me, Mr. Puff, out of Scotland than 
 long sermons or potent Ferrintosh." 
 
 " Or guid Ardbeg," exclaimed Huistan ; " Got ! 
 put that's a nailer tae ye, Charley," he continued, 
 recovering somewhat of his good humoui-, for the 
 storm seemed to be wasting its energy — decrescere, 
 eundo, 
 
 "Oh! let Mr. GaiTempey go on; he's addressing 
 himself to the article, not to me." 
 
 " I'm addressing myself to the point, Jlr. 
 Puff, but I understand you, at any rate, to coin- 
 cide in the statements contained in the article. 
 You may be the author of it yourself, for all I 
 know." 
 
 " Or care, either, Mr. Garrempey, I suppose ?" 
 
 "Or care, either, Sir; you've said it. The 
 article is neither more nor less than mouton 
 7'dcliauffd, broken meat, m fact, prociu-ed at the old 
 shop in the sqtiare, where, Pve no doubt, you also 
 secm'ed the left-off ink, the gall of which, like the 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 289 
 
 wit it was ratended to imbitter, has become 
 attenuated by too frequent decanting." 
 
 " It's vastly easier, Mr. Garrempey, to indulge 
 in low abuse of this kind, than to answer the 
 article itself, by writing to the editor." 
 
 "How do you know, Sir, that I haven't, 
 and that the editor has taken the aforesaid 
 benefit of clergy? If we found him here, Mr. 
 Puff, we would oblige him to do what Bruce, 
 as Buchanan tells us, compelled the Carmelite 
 who was taken prisoner at Bannockburn to do, 
 who had been engaged by King Edward to 
 siag the praises of his expected victory over 
 the Scots." 
 
 "Pray, what was that? I need hardly ask, 
 however, for Buchanan, as everybody knows, 
 knew how to fib as well as to act the fool." 
 
 "Why, Sir, the Carmelite was made to 
 decantare in a different sense from your decantiag. 
 As you don't seem to know the story, I'll give it 
 to you ia George's own words : — ' Inter captivos, 
 deprehensus est monachus, ex eorum factione, qui, a 
 Carmelo monte Syriae, sibi cognomen adoptarunt: is 
 (ut illis temporibus) poeta non spemendus fuit habitus : 
 atque ad bellum adductus, ut Anglorum victoriam 
 versibus illustraret. Captus autem, eorum cladem 
 (libertatis pretium) decantare est coacttis : carmine 
 
290 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 plane nidi, et barbaro : sed quod illorum temporum 
 auribus non dtspliceret'* 
 
 "Now, Sir, there's a chance for you to 
 throw your boomerang into the heart of 
 George's Latinity, and to do the crowing busi- 
 ness which the monk was prevented from 
 achieving." 
 
 " Bah 1 Person or Parr did that long ago." 
 
 " Oh ! indeed — Person or your other authority, 
 I'm not sure which, but it doesn't matter, for they 
 are both upon a par, I suppose, pretended that he 
 discovered when in Edinburgh one false quantity 
 in Buchanan's version of the Psalms, but it was a 
 mere invention." 
 
 " Well, certainly, in the city of false quantities 
 he ought to have found a great many more." 
 
 " The city of false quantities I" 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Yoti know the origin of that, Mr. Puff." 
 
 * For the benefit of ordinary readers the above may be thus 
 translated: — "Among the captives taken was a monk of that 
 order which takes its name from Mount Carmel in Syria. He 
 was, for that age, a poet of no mean pretensions, and accompanied 
 the army that he might commemorate the victory of the English 
 in verse. Being captured, however, he was obliged, as the price 
 of his liberty, to celebrate their defeat, which he did in a poem 
 rather rude and barbarous, but which sounded not unpleasant 
 fy) tbe ears of the men of tbose times, '' 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 291 
 
 "Certainly. Sydney Smith immortalized you 
 in that respect." 
 
 " Indeed. Can you tell me why 1" 
 " Because he found them there, I suppose." 
 " True ; but not in the way you think. Sydney, 
 like all your countrymen, loved his belly, and, like 
 a good many of them, he was a scholar and a wit. 
 Scotch dinners and suppers did not seem to be 
 upon a scale to satisfy the cravings of his clerical 
 maw, and in a fit of indigestion, caused by hav- 
 ing, through sheer hunger, partaken too freely of 
 a tempting looldng haggis— faute de roshif, he 
 dubbed Edinburgh the city of false quantities. 
 That's what you didn't know before, Mr. Puff. 
 You should be ashamed, however, to bring up the 
 name of poor Sydney, for if you had treated him 
 properly he ought to have been made a bishop." 
 
 " It's a great pity, Mr. Garrempey, he hadn't 
 been a Scotchman. In that case you wouldn't 
 have had it in your power to accuse us of that, 
 for he would certainly have got an appointment." 
 " In partibus infidelium, I dare say." 
 " No, Sir, ia the parts which have been assigned 
 to the Archbishop pf Canterbury." 
 
 " Indeed. You don't happen to be aware, Mr. 
 Puff, do you, of the precise reason which induced 
 Mr. Disraeli to make that appointment 1" 
 
292 NOX CHRISTIANA FELIOISSIMA. 
 
 " Because Dr. Tait was a Scotchman, of course." 
 
 "Don't you believe it, Sir. Mr. Disraeli has no 
 love for the Scotch, for two reasons : first, because 
 he can't humbug them as he can the Buckingham- 
 shire farmers and the old nobiUty, and — " 
 
 " I dare say not. One Jew doesn't generally 
 try it on with another." 
 
 " Thank you ; we shall let that pass just now. 
 The second is, that the Scotch have done more 
 harm to the Conservative cause than either your 
 countrymen or the Irish. DisraeK, with that far- 
 seeing eye of his, saw that the EngHsh mind was 
 affected, in some degree, with that peculiar 
 melancholy which had made such a dull dog of 
 Paddy, proceeding, as the ex-Premier so sagaciously 
 inferred, from the depressing moisture arising 
 from the heavy swell of the Atlantic, and he con- 
 sidered that it would be necessary to find some 
 excitement for your countrymen — something, in 
 short, to divert the attention of the English press 
 into a channel which would rouse national feeling, 
 and punish the Scotch Liberals. Knowing — ^for 
 what is it that Disraeli doesn't know ? — that the 
 old stock of grievances and invective was about 
 worn out, he resolved to play a bold card — as he 
 generally does — ^to cap the list, m fact, by giving 
 the Archbishop's hat to Df , Tait," 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 293 
 
 " Very unfair to Mr. Disraeli, Sir. I have no 
 doubt his real motive was, that as the Church of 
 England possesses a somewhat exuberant udder, 
 and more than one teat, it would only be an act 
 of charity to let one of them be sucked by a 
 Scotchman." 
 
 "Weel, a declare ! Mr. Garrempey," said 
 Huistan, who had nearly lost his breath, "that 
 coo's the gowan ! A doot he's got us noo." 
 
 " Let us be thankful, Huistan, he didn't say that 
 the Scotchman, having got hold of one teat, would 
 be certain to have the udder too." 
 
 " Well, if I didn't say it, I, at least, thought it. 
 I expect to live long enough to see the whole 
 bench of bishops occupied by your countrymen, 
 who, I repeat again, are a narrow-minded, intoler- 
 ant, and bigoted pack, who attach a ridiculous 
 importance to matters which may have had a 
 meaning once, but are mere platitudes now. If 
 things are to be called English, why, they will be 
 called English, in spite of all you can do or say to 
 the contrary. Just as surely as the English will 
 eat up your Gaelic — " 
 
 " Got ! I railly believe they wud eat up ony- 
 thiQg ; put Got forbid I" said Huistan, with pious 
 horror, "that they sud devoor the Gaalic — that 
 wud be maist onnaitral, an' in fac onreesonable." 
 
294 NOX CHRISTIANA TELICISSIMA. 
 
 "And higlily indigestible, too," said Charley, 
 fairly forced into good htunoxir by tbe seriotisness 
 which his last speech had produced in Huistan's 
 face, but particularly as the eighth tumbler had 
 now come into play, which, failing the seventh, 
 usually put matters all straight, " but, as surely," 
 he continued, " as the Gaelic will be improved off 
 the face of the earth, so will the phrase 'English' 
 eat up the phrase ' British.' " 
 
 "Well, perhaps so," said Garrempey, with a 
 sigh for the fate of the red lion, and the glory of 
 Auld Eeekie; "but you must admit, Charley, that 
 it's most unfair of you to break the faith of 
 Treaties f 
 
 " Bah ! Treaties are like pie crust, made to be 
 broken. You can't legislate for posterity, except 
 for the one or two generations you can yourself 
 hold in leading strings. You can't mortgage, by 
 Treaties, the wills and dispositions of the millions 
 that are to be born some two or three hundred 
 years hence." 
 
 " No ; but you can set them a good example." 
 
 " We set them the best example we can. We 
 give fair play to the coui'se of events. We 
 neither force on nor retard the progress of ideas, 
 nor attempt to lead the fashions of speech any 
 more than those of dress. If it was pai't of a 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA PELIOISSIMA. 295 
 
 Treaty of Union, made a hundred and fifty years 
 ago, that a cap was to be eternally called a mutch, 
 for the gratification of the Scotch, do you suppose 
 "we could prevent the ladies now-a-days from 
 calling it a bonnet if they chose f 
 
 " Then you admit that you have broken the 
 Treaty of Union?" 
 
 " I admit nothing without proof and argument. 
 You have not satisfied me that you are right in 
 your contention." 
 
 "Well, then," said Garrempey, having suc- 
 ceeded, after several misses, in loading his right 
 nostril with a full charge of Taddy, and having 
 seen that his tumbler was well and duly replen- 
 ished, " once for all, let me state the case for the 
 Plaintifil" 
 
 " Go it. Gabby I Huistan, call the case Sandy 
 M'Teevish versus John Bull." 
 
 "A' richt, Chairley. 0, yes I 0, yes I an' 
 anither 0, yes ! That's three ca's." 
 
 "Now, Gabby, smce Huistan has called the 
 roll, open youi- ports for action, but avoid per- 
 sonaKties." 
 
 " No fear, Charley ; I mean to fight hard, but 
 I'll fight fail-. Now, how stands the case ? You 
 will, of course, admit the patent fact that, rather 
 better than one hundred and fifty years ago, John 
 
295 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICTSSIMA. 
 
 Bull and Sandy M'Teevish considered it to be for 
 their mutual advantage to enter into a Treaty of 
 Union 1" 
 
 "Did they, railly?" earnestly inqiiired Huistan, 
 whose intellect was not exactly in its sharpest 
 state just at that particular stage of the 
 evening. 
 
 "Heus tu! mon enfant, taisez vous, and let Gabby 
 go on," said Charley, now in what Garrempey 
 called his daftest mood. 
 
 "What's that ye're sayin', Chairley, aboot 
 teazin"? A dinna' onderstaun' yer Greek an' 
 Laitin." 
 
 "A Treaty of Union," solemnly continued 
 Garrempey, without regarding the interruption ; 
 "in other words, a contract of copartnery, by 
 which they settled their mutual interests. It was 
 expressly covenanted that the firm thereby 
 constituted, was to be known to all whom it 
 might concern, as the firm of Bull and 
 M'Teevish. Under this nomen socii the company 
 carried on its business, and has prospered. 
 M'Teevish has contributed, in proportion to his 
 interest, as much if not more capital than Bull, 
 and bears at least a proportional share of the 
 working expenses." 
 
 "I deny that, Gabby." 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 297 
 
 " Wheesht noo, Chairley ! ye ken ye stoppit 
 me," interposed Huistan. 
 
 " His sons," continued Garrempey, with some 
 emotion, "have shed their best blood fully and 
 freely upon many a hard-fought field, and under 
 many a biurning sun, for the protection and profit 
 of the old concern." 
 
 Here Huistan became visibly affected, and 
 Charley was seen to wink twice. The former 
 wiped away that convenient tear which somehow 
 or other always found itself pumped up into the 
 left corner of his right eye at any recital which 
 could possibly recall reminiscences of Quatre Bras 
 or Waterloo, for, in the former of these desperate 
 fights, Huistan's eldest brother, " a braw, braw 
 lad, an' a full sergeant " in the gallant 42nd, or, as 
 Huistan loved to call it, the Freacadan Dhu — the 
 Black Watch — fell at the moment Kellerman's 
 lancers cut off those unfortunate sections of the 
 brave Highlanders who were not in time to form 
 square. Charley's winks are to be accounted for 
 partly from the effect of Garrempey's eloquence, 
 but chiefly from an extra straining of his optics to 
 discover whether the accustomed tear was going 
 to make its appearance, beHeving, as he did, that it 
 would turn up in Huistan's eye as certainly as the 
 Waterloo banquet did in the time of Wellington. 
 
298 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 " And," continued Garrempey, not -unobservant 
 of the impression which he had just made, " to a 
 very considerable extent they have allowed the 
 sons of John to enjoy the congenial indulgence of 
 sitting at home at ease." 
 
 " Hold hard. Gabby. I can't admit — " 
 
 "Is he briagin't hame tae the faimily, 
 Chairley?" 
 
 " Peace, Hugh ! Go on, Gabby. I promise I 
 won't stop you again." 
 
 "They have done," resumed the speaker, 
 " very much to give stability, as colonists, to the 
 possessions of the firm in foreign parts, and, in 
 fact, they are remarkable for being no where so 
 mtich at home as when they are abroad." — 
 
 " Or in England," added Charley, mechanically, 
 and evidently forgetful of his promise. 
 
 " But in recent times," continued Garrempey, 
 unmindful of a thrust which would have some- 
 what ruffled his feathers at any other time, " John 
 seems to take it for granted that, because he is 
 senior partner and cashier, and encases himself in 
 breeches somewhat wider round the abdomen than 
 those of his partner, he can, with propriety, ignore 
 his existence. He thinks it is more convenient, 
 and probably more euphonious, to call the offices 
 of the company, Bull's chambers, and the vessels. 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 299 
 
 Bull's ships. Now, I don't say, Charley, that 
 Alexander is a very elegant name, although its 
 etymology ought to redeem it from the accusation 
 of provincialism, and protect it from the contempt 
 of such an enthusiastic Philhellene as yourself; and 
 perhaps the length of it causes it to stick some- 
 times in Bull's throat — reason, I suppose, why he 
 never bestows it upon any of his children ; nor 
 do I particularly admire the cognomen M'Teevish, 
 which has neither a warlike nor a commercial ring 
 about it, and rhymes with an adjective which, I 
 am afraid, frequently qualifies the tempers even of 
 London journalists ; but I think it is not generous 
 nor fair of John to feel ashamed of the partner 
 who has worked with him so long, and attempt to 
 avoid performance of his social duties by trite 
 jokes and flimsy arguments." 
 
 " Well, Gabby, you have stated the case for the 
 Plaintiff 'no that bad,' to repeat the whisper 
 which I couldn't help hearing, of yom- able jimior; 
 but without entering at present into the case for 
 the defence, permit me just to ask you this. You 
 say that the term ' Enghsh ' is wrong, and that it 
 should be ' British.' What, then, are we to do 
 with the Irish?" 
 
 " The Eerish f said Huistan. " Ye needna' be 
 muckle fashed wi' them, Chairley, for a'm stire ye 
 
300 NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 telt me mony a time, that tlie only wey tae deal 
 wi' them was jist tae gie Heebemia, as ye ca'd 
 her, a bit dook in the Atlantick, as a gied tae 
 Quaighhorn and Rory M'Stitcher, the taillyeur." 
 
 " That was to get quit of the Fenians, Hugh." 
 
 " Ou ay," said Huistan, " a see." 
 
 At an earlier period of the evening, Huistan 
 would probably have asked Charley to explain by 
 what precise method he proposed to get rid of 
 the Fenians by giving Hibernia a dip in the sea, 
 and preserve at the same time the rest of the 
 " finest pisantry in the world " from drowning. 
 
 " You know, Gabby," continued Charley, " that 
 the three kingdoms are called the United Kingdom 
 of Great Britain and Ireland. According to your 
 theory, if we are to call everything British, we 
 wiU, of com-se, exclude Ireland altogether, and 
 you may depend upon it that, if we do so, we 
 should have another question as difficult as that 
 of the Irish Church, That woiild never do. "What 
 would THE o'donoghue say to it f 
 
 " May I answer that question, more Scotorum, 
 by putting another'?" 
 
 " More Scotorum, Gabby, I don't know whether 
 you are better at putting questions or begging 
 them, but you can take the matter to avizandum, 
 as your judges say, when they have already 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 301 
 
 made up their minds what their judgment is to 
 be. Proceed." 
 
 "Were the Irish or the I don't-KNOW-who 
 parties to the contract? — I mean of course the 
 Treaty of Union. Was Ireland not a conquered 
 country — a mere appanage of England long 
 before that Treaty was signed, and before the 
 existence of a British Parliament? But anyhow, 
 if Bull admits that he owes Sandy a ten-pound 
 note, is he justified in refusing to pay it because 
 Paddy may delicately hint that John has stolen 
 his kitchen poker ?" 
 
 " That's all very well, Gabby, but even sup- 
 posing I were, brevitatis causa — excuse me for 
 culling a phrase from your legal flower-garden — 
 to drop the Irish " — 
 
 " Like a het potawto," exclaimed Huistan. 
 
 " No impertinence ! descendant of Fingal of 
 the tangled hair. What, I ask, is to be done 
 with our colonies? Canada, Austraha, and 
 New Zealand would, under the Blackiean system, 
 be all included under the collective name of 
 Great Britain." 
 
 "I don't precisely know what you mean, 
 Charley, by the Blackiean system, unless it be 
 that peculiarly English institution, the prize-ring; 
 but if you mean to pass off for argument what 
 
302 KOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 
 
 you have said about Ireland and tlie Colonies, I 
 shall be reluctantly obliged to conclude that 
 Truman and Hanbury's Entire has a slight 
 tendency to obfuscate the logical acumen of the 
 English intellect." 
 
 " We'll cure him wi' Ardbeg ! we'll cure him wi' 
 Ardbeg !" exclaimed Huistan. 
 
 " You are doubtless aware," resumed Garrem- 
 pey, " that Canada, Australia, and New Zealand 
 are British possessions, in the precise sense in 
 which West India plantations may be the property 
 of Smith and Jones. They are held for behoof of 
 the firm. Scotland, with regard to England, is in 
 the position of one qui rem aliquem cum alio possidet, 
 and, although these Colonies are part of the 
 property of the State, they are not the State 
 itself, any more than the joint possession of a 
 coffee plantation would make it the firm of Smith 
 and Jones. I don't suppose the eminent Smith 
 would experience any difiSculty in doing the right 
 thing by calling his firm by its proper name, 
 because the company owned large possessions ia 
 Jamaica. Such an embarras de richesse would not 
 turn his practical head; but if he were a fiumy 
 man, like Bull, he might probably try to laugh 
 his partner into sinking his nomen socii, by comic 
 allusions to the quality of leeks, and facetious 
 
NOX CHEISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 303 
 
 doubts as to the existence of Caractacus and the 
 genealogy of Cadwallader." 
 
 "Anything else, Gabby?" asked Charley, with 
 a peculiarity of utterance, which we have too 
 much regard for his fair fame to try to exhibit by 
 orthoepical signs, and with a look which we fear 
 betrayed the fact that he had been paying more 
 attention to some other matter than to Garrem- 
 pey's discourse. That gentleman was, however, 
 so much absorbed in his argument, the thread of 
 which he never for a moment lost, that he did not 
 notice that there was any material difference of 
 expression on his opponent's countenance from 
 that of its ordinary look of smart intelligence. 
 As a matter of course his attention was not 
 directed to Huistan, or if it had been, he would 
 have perceived a marked difference there also. It 
 is quite possible that had Garrempey been paying 
 a tithe of the devotion to his liquor which he was 
 evidently bestowing upon his pleading, he might 
 have been as striking an illustration of the over- 
 powering influence of Ardbeg as his two cronies ; 
 but the fact was, that he was two tumblers be- 
 hind them, for, although Huistan had religiously 
 filled his glass each time he and Charley helped 
 themselves, and poured it into his tvimbler, Gar- 
 rempey having the feeling strong upon him that 
 
304 KOX CHEISTIAKA FELICISSTMA. 
 
 he was pleading a bond Jide legal case, relied 
 meclianically more upon his snuff than upon his 
 toddy. The consequence was that at this par- 
 ticular stage of the proceedings, he had about 
 two glasses and a half of whisky in his tumbler, 
 with only as much water as had served to melt 
 the load of sugar which had been accumulated by 
 Huistan's faithful performance of his duty. 
 
 Garrempey naturally felt somewhat nettled at 
 the curt enquiry made by Charley as to whether 
 he had anything else to say, and it stopped him 
 for a moment. It was a critical moment, for he 
 had been gathering himself up for a great effort, 
 a crushing peroration which would have crowned 
 the argument he had been so industriously rear- 
 ing in support of the rights of his country. Luckily 
 or unluckily, as may be determined by the result, 
 Garrempey somewhat hastily and excitedly seized 
 his tumbler without suspecting that he had fallen 
 into arrear, and swallowed its contents almost at 
 a gulp. Fatal draught ! It will rob him of the 
 triumph of which he was all but certain. See I he 
 is conscious of his error. He feels the subtle poi — 
 aha! — the generous liquor hastening to occupy 
 his brain I He knows his danger, and he makes 
 a supreme effort — ^there is no time to be lost, for 
 the citadel will be shortly attacked — so he gives 
 
NOX CHRISTIANA FELICISSIMA. 305 
 
 himself a shake, like the shaggy Newfoundland, 
 when, dripping, he arrives upon terra firma. He 
 concentrates all the powers of his mind upon the 
 accomplishment of the momentous issue. The 
 willing brain prepares reculer pour mieux saiiter, 
 and rapidly withdraws its outposts, already 
 attacked, to support the centre and guard its 
 threatened flanks. 
 
 With a look of dogged resolve Garrempey pro- 
 ceeds with unfaltering voice. 
 
 " Everybody knows that New England, although 
 one of the States, is not the United States of 
 America any more than old England is the United 
 Kingdom. If nationality is to be sunk by an 
 agglomeration of races it should be sunk by all. 
 We Scotsmen," he exclaimed, looking as proudly 
 around as if he were addressing an enthusiastic 
 audience in the Music Hall of Edinburgh, "are 
 content to sink it with England, but not without 
 her. AVith her we consent to be British, but with 
 her or without her we will not be English. No 
 man loves an Englishman more than I do. I 
 believe he furnishes as fair a test of all that is 
 manly and honourable as it is necessary to seek 
 for, but I am not disposed to be called the Eng- 
 lishman I am not, and cease to be the Scotsman I 
 
 am, to humour a fashion or avert a sneer. Above 
 u 
 
306 ^EES IN UKO. 
 
 all, I am not ■willing to carry about with me the 
 tigly feeling of being merely the hybrid descen- 
 dant of an inferior and conquered race I" 
 
 " Bravo ! Gabby — God bless you, my boy I" was 
 all, alas ! that Charley was able to articulate, and 
 that by no means distinctly. 
 
 "Got pless us a' three baith thegeitherl" 
 mumbled poor Huistan, while both Charley and he, 
 by a miracle, managed to attain what the latter 
 called then- equalbillarum. 
 
 Garrempey got up at the same time. 
 
 The citadel had now capitulated, further 
 defence being useless, and he, too, like his friends, 
 was obliged to succumb to the victorious Ardbeg. 
 The three worthies were found by Kirsty at a 
 nameless hour in the morning — standing upright, 
 it is true, but in a position which looked as if they 
 had succeeded in improvising themselves into a 
 temporary theodolite, or had accomplished the 
 interesting operation of piling arms. They were 
 Tres in uno. The Treaty of Union was again 
 complete. May it ever remain so 1 
 
CHAPTER XVI. 
 
 DISjVSTEES of a morning — ALARMING NEWS— HIGHLANt 
 CAROUSAL — nish! NISH ! NISHI 
 
 A T a rather advanced hour of the next day 
 ■^ Charley began to rub his eyes, and to 
 mutter something which sounded very like uUnam 
 gentium sumus'? 
 
 The room in which he found himself, as 
 well as the appm-tenances thereof, were all 
 strange and unfamiliar to him. He felt a heavy 
 weight over the region of the stomach, which 
 suggested homble doubts as to the continued 
 purity of his favourite Ardbeg. But the incubus 
 was, if not satisfactorily, at least clearly accounted 
 for, by a prolonged stertorous sound, which Charley 
 at once recognised as proceeding from the trumpet 
 of his friend, Huistan, a fact which also led, upon 
 the orthodox principle of philosophic induction, to 
 the other discovery, that the head of the snoring 
 descendant of Fingal was lying upon his (Charley's) 
 chest. Further investigation showed that Gar- 
 rempey's trunk was the cause of his experiencing 
 a sensation which might not unnaturally be 
 
308 UNEASY SLUMBERS. 
 
 expected to result from the cross-trees of a 
 hermaphi-odite brig being laid across one's legs. 
 The truth was, that Kirsty had been obliged to 
 cause her guests to experience the delightful 
 sensation of sleeping " three in a bed " — one, too, 
 with regard to the manufacture of which, she, 
 prudent woman as she was, had, when ordering 
 it from the village joiner, previous to her marriage, 
 given the same explicit instructions which she 
 invariably delivered to the family tailor when 
 making any article of clothing for her boys — to 
 wit — " tae mak' it for then* growth." In spite, 
 however, of a faithful compliance with that 
 injunction by the aforesaid joiner, and the fact 
 that the nuptial couch, like some fashionable 
 coaches, was capable of satisfying in omnibus the 
 ordinary wants of Kirsty's establishment, even if 
 the members thereof had all attained then- full 
 growth, it failed to satisfy the demands made 
 upon it on the present occasion, in respect of a 
 growth which had not entered into the calculations 
 of the worthy joiner — that of the bulky landlord 
 of the "inns" of Porterbier. Thus it happened 
 that, in course of the night, that inconveniently 
 prolonged individual, finding that some unac- 
 customed and mscrutable barrier always interposed 
 itself to the longitudinal extension of his ti-ouble- 
 
THE BRIDGE OF SIZE. 309 
 
 some continuations, found ways and means, as 
 only men who are in a state of semi somnolency 
 
 semi , will somehow find, to get his legs out 
 
 of the bed altogether, right across the whole 
 breadth of the room. He settled them upon the 
 top of a table by the side of the wall, part of 
 which article of furniture had been previously 
 colonized by an extensive assortment of glass and 
 earthenware, while he succeeded in placing almost 
 midway, below that particular part of his body, 
 where, to use a French euphemism, le dos perd son 
 nom, a pretty stout basin-stand, and also arranged 
 that his head should rest comfortably upon 
 Charley's chest. His legs were lost in the vista 
 beyond, thus forming a bridge in point of size 
 hardly inferior to the Bridge of Sighs of beautiful 
 Venice, the difference being, that the one was 
 supported in the middle by a pier while the other 
 is not. Alas ! every bridge like evei-y Doge, 
 tut ! — every dog — ^has its day ; but Huistan's, like 
 its master, was destined only to have its " morn- 
 ing." Kirsty had judiciously closed the window- 
 shutters of the room, intending that her guests 
 should have a suificiently long snooze to enable 
 them to sleep off the effects of the previous night's 
 debauch. The place was consequently dark as 
 Erebus. Unfortunately, instead of going herself 
 
310 DISASTERS OF A MOENIKG. 
 
 to rouse the drowsy sleepers, she intrusted tliat 
 delicate duty to the artist who had succeeded so 
 well in achieving her sign-board, but as no one of 
 mortals is wise at all hours, it would be unreasonable 
 to expect that any one of them should be always 
 successful. Not that the genius of the sign-board 
 might not have acquitted himself creditably in the 
 dehcate operation which an inscrutable Providence 
 had apparently determined he should now attempt 
 to fulfil, if he had only displayed a gi-ain of the 
 remarkable prevision which he had shown in 
 dealing with the stout gentleman depicted on the 
 sign. He expected nothing, however, from the 
 long gentleman within, whom he only knew as a 
 pronounced niggard in his dealings with the race 
 of volunteer horse holders, and whom he regarded, 
 moreover, as the cause of his being deprived of 
 his legitimate corner of the family couch, so he 
 did not stand upon any ceremony as to the mode 
 or order of his going into the penetralia sacred to 
 the slumbers of his mother's household. Pushing 
 the door open, and flying within somewhat in the 
 same style as he generally rushed out to seize the 
 reins of a dismounted cavalier, he rudely and 
 unartistically unhorsed the hapless Huistan, by 
 rushing with the dlan of a mountain deer against 
 the extemporized pontoon which he had chosen to 
 
DISASTERS or A MOENING. 311 
 
 make of his body, and in a twinkling converted it 
 into a flying bridge. It fell, as a matter of course, 
 and great was the fall thereof; and, melancholy 
 to relate, the legs swept away, like a whirlwind, 
 the whole superstructure of glass and crockery 
 along with them in their mad career to mother 
 earth, exemphfying, but in rather a boisterous 
 manner, that important physical law which the 
 great Newton was content should be demonstrated 
 by the simple dropping of an apple. The ddbris 
 formed such a melancholy holocaust round Huis- 
 tan's feet, that the sight moved Charley — ^not to 
 tears, but to a serious communion with his own 
 thoughts, and to the perpetration of the following 
 extempore hnes, which he inscribed, by the special 
 permission of Kirsty, on the fly leaf of her family 
 Bible, below the names of two of her children who 
 had died long before of small-pox, in Memoriam 
 of both events, and as a solatium to Kirsty's 
 wounded feelings, which four times the value of 
 the crockery duly paid into her horny fist did not 
 seem adequate to assuage : — 
 
 " They lay in beauty side by side, 
 Like joys too frail to last ; 
 Or -wrecks left by the ebbing tide, 
 As memories of the past." 
 
312 DISASTERS OF A MORNING. 
 
 Charley tliouglit his lines quite equal to any of 
 those composed by the Laureate when he stood 
 in the wet upon a certain tower of bad eminence. 
 Charley's idea was that it was a case of " heavy 
 wet." 
 
 The noise, as Garrempey often declared after- 
 wards, was precisely similar to that made by the 
 great master spirit of evil in his descent down the 
 chimney of that unhallowed lodge where he 
 (Garrempey) first saw the light as a free and 
 accepted mason. 
 
 Huistan, thus summarily knocked up — or, 
 rather, knocked down — was not long in getting 
 into his nether integuments, that is to say, in 
 point of time, for his fall, although it had made 
 him somewhat short in the temper, had not 
 interfered with his length in any other way, 
 unless it had some connection with a rather long 
 conference Avhich he held Avith his faithful 
 satellite, Donald Frisheal, who, having felt 
 seriously alarmed for the safety of the party, had 
 come to look after them. Huistan retm-ned to 
 the bedroom to find Charley and Garrempey 
 endeavouring, under more than ordinary diffi- 
 culties, to wash in the same basin, and to dry 
 their faces at one and the same time, with one 
 and the same towel. 
 
ALARMING NEWS. 313 
 
 " Did you'll hear o' the gran' tea pairty at the 
 manse last nicht, Mr. Garrempey ?" asked Huistan, 
 after breakfast, and as the trio were preparing to 
 trudge back to Porterbier. "They've been a' 
 there except the three ministers wha dissented. 
 Mrs. Pry, the post-mistress, telt Donald a' aboot 
 it, for she was inveeted, as she's an aunt o' 
 Sneaker's. They're a' delighted wi' the way 
 things went aff yesterday." 
 
 " I can't say as much for our work last night," 
 said Charley, rather ruefully. " I fear Ardbeg's 
 begianing to play me false." 
 
 "Not a bit of it, Charley," observed Garrempey. 
 "It's the weight of Huistan's head on your 
 stomach that's given you a headache." 
 
 " I believe your right. Gabby ; we'd better pull 
 another hair out of the old dog. Kirsty, bring in 
 the whuskey." 
 
 That discussed, the trio set off with their faces 
 towards Porterbier. 
 
 "Mrs. FUlyerglass," resumed Huistan, "is — " 
 
 " Hang Mrs Fillyerglass, Hugh, but give me a 
 match first," said Charley, getting into better 
 mood. 
 
 " Ou ay, but they say she's in a dreedfu' wey," 
 continued Huistan, handing Charley a fusee. 
 " She's never yet heerd frae her man wha gaed tae 
 
314 ALAEMING NEWS. 
 
 SuuffmuU alang wi' that blackguard Eerishman, 
 an' her freens there dinna ken ocht aboot him. 
 It's noo twa or maist three weeks sin they gaed 
 awa, an' Jess M'Gregor's been sayin' that Casey 
 an' hina never ca'd on ony o' the pairties wi' the 
 letters they tuk wi' them, for she heerd Mr. 
 Porter sayin' that Mr. Puncheon had wrote tae 
 Snuffmull. 
 
 " In fao," continued Huistan, with a serious 
 face, "they're reported tae hae been murdered an' 
 drooned in Lochspelding." 
 
 "I know you can both keep a secret," said 
 Garrempey. "Donald brought me a letter this 
 morning from Mr. John M'Service, Sheriff Officer, 
 Ochtertory, to whom I had written to look after 
 them. 
 
 " Here it is," and he read a full accoimt of what 
 we have before related. 
 
 It would have done one's heart good to see 
 how Charley and Huistan enjoyed the recital. 
 
 " But what on earth can have become of them?" 
 asked Garrempey. " I hope none of those wild 
 fellows in the steamer would have tlu'own them 
 overboard in the dark, like cattle in a storm. 
 They could easily have been back long before 
 this." 
 
 "Got! it looks verra strange," said Huistan 
 
ALARMING NEWS. 315 
 
 again, rather seriously. "A ken the Smiffmull 
 men brawly, an' if Casey an' Alister quarrelled 
 vn' them, a wudna go boond for what they micht 
 dae." 
 
 " By George !" said Garrempey, " I hope M'Ser- 
 vice has destroyed my letter — we may be charged 
 with having been accessory to a murder, or with 
 plagii crimen," 
 
 "Plaguing the Crinan!" said Huistan. "They 
 didna gang by the Crinan at a'." 
 
 " Tuts !" said Garrempey, not in the best of 
 humour, " I was speaking of abduction," 
 
 " Abdooction ! "What's that in a' the warld f ' 
 
 "It's a ducking in Lochspeldiag, Hviistan," 
 said Charley, enjoying the rueful faces of his two 
 companions, 
 
 " Ou ay, faith ! a A\nidna wnnner but they've jist 
 got it. But we had naethiag tae dae wi't — ^ye 
 didna' pit ma name in yer letter, Mr, Gan-empey, 
 a houp ? It wadna' be like your uisual discreetion 
 tae get me intil a scrape." 
 
 "No, no. Ml', M'Huistan, I have compromised 
 nobody, I hope," said Garrempey, musingly, but 
 evidently not at all satisfied with himself. "I 
 have a correspondent at Portslush to whom I 
 think I'll write on the subject." 
 
 "Don't do it, Gabby — Cleave it alone," said 
 
316 SrGNS OF DEPARTURE. 
 
 Charley. " DoponcI upon it, the fellows Avill turn 
 up. The devil has some more work on hand for 
 them here. He doesn't want to recall such viseful 
 ambassadors in a hurry. ' Nickey's bairns,' as you 
 call them, remain longer upon earth, as a rule, 
 than better behaved ones," 
 
 " Whan are ye gaun back tae Embro,' Mr, Gar- 
 rempey 1" said Huistan, as they came in sight of 
 the " Inns." 
 
 " Well, I intend to go by the steamer to-night," 
 
 " I'll go with you. Gabby," said Charley, " My 
 time's about up, and I'll have your company," 
 
 " All right. I have written to retain Mr, Par- 
 sons Dodge, Advocate, to represent us in the 
 Assembly, and shall write to you, Mr, M'Huistan, 
 what he advises we should do when I see him. 
 He stands well with the Assembly, and it would 
 be better that we should be guided from the first 
 by his advice. In the meantime you and Donald, 
 and such other parties as you can depend on, 
 should try to get as many good witnesses as 
 possible. They must be able to stand a cross- 
 examination, to remember the texts and Psalms, 
 and to give a reason for the faith that's in them. 
 Of course the Objectors' evidence comes fii'st. 
 If you can find out who they propose to examine, 
 so much the better." 
 
SIGNS OV DEPAJBTURE. 317 
 
 " Ou a'U maun that, a think," said Huistan. 
 
 "Well, then," said Garrempey, "I'll be here 
 two or thi-ee days before the meeting, and we'll 
 go fully over the whole matter." 
 
 " Hallo ! Gabby, there's your friend, Poind, 
 turning the corner of Huistan's establishment," 
 said Charley. " I'll bet a crown he's been precog- 
 noscing Ishpal in your absence, Hugh !" 
 
 " Nae fear o' that, Chairley ; she wad hae nae- 
 thing tae dae wi' ony but a college bred lawyer, 
 like oor freen, Mr. Garrempey, there." 
 
 " Oh, but Mr. M'Huistan," observed that gen- 
 tleman, " Mr. Poind would tell her, no doubt, that 
 he had been at the College of Actuaries, and that 
 he holds the degree of C.A. in consequence, as 
 well as that of N.P." 
 
 "An' what's N.P., Mr. Garrempey f 
 
 " Why, that," observed Charley, " is a degree 
 which you received long ago." 
 
 "Me, Chairley? Ye ken weel enuch, a was 
 ne'er at a College in a' ma life, beenna' lookin' 
 ance at the Glasgae College, ia the High Street." 
 
 "Whether or not, Hugh, you're just as well 
 entitled to the degree of N.P., as Mr. Poind is to 
 that of C.A., for N.P. signifies Notorious Publican, 
 and I've no doubt, you're a much better publican 
 than he's either an Actuary or — " 
 
318 HIGHLAND CAROUSAL. 
 
 "A Lawyer," observed Huistan, laughing, "he's 
 nae lawyer ava', jist a pettifogger ; but thae sort 
 seem tae thrive in this kintra a heep better nor 
 honester an' cleverer men." 
 
 "Yes, Hugh, that's because you Scotchmen 
 very often prefer to go to a low practitioner, just 
 as you prefer to sneak into the back doors of low 
 dram shops instead of going in by the fi-ont 
 entrance of a respectable hotel, like your own for 
 instance, as we're now doing." 
 
 On entering, Garrempey and Charley were 
 warmly shaken by the hands by a crowd of 
 enthusiastic partisans who were carousing in the 
 large roofa. Church cases, lykewakes, and 
 funerals, seemed equally with more appropriate 
 occasions for rejoicing, to afford an excuse for 
 drinking in the Parish of Veto. 
 
 Garrempey was obliged to take the arm-chair 
 at the head of the long fir table, which was sur- 
 rounded by about fifty excited parishioners, while 
 the presentee and Charley Were seated on his 
 right. An imposing looking piper walked up and 
 down the room, with the air, as Charley remarked, 
 of a majestic turkey, blowing out hia cheeks with 
 an expression alarmingly suggestive of impending 
 apoplexy, in a frenetic attempt to produce a 
 pasan of anticipated victory, or screaming out 
 
HIGHLAND CAEOUSAL. 319 
 
 a defiant pibroch, composed of a succession of 
 yells in comparison with Avhich the war whoop of 
 a Commanche Indian is music itself. The bards of 
 the village had likewise their share in the demon- 
 stration. One gave an extempore song in Gaelic 
 in praise of Garrempey. Another had composed 
 an ode in English, intended to be a satire upon 
 the Presbytery, which, if deficient in elegance 
 was not wanting in abuse. The Gaelic aria had 
 a chorus about a yard long, during the singing of 
 which, the company joined hands, which they 
 swung backwards and forwards, much in the style 
 of a tribe of monkeys when they swing them- 
 selves over a stream with their tails joined. At 
 certain parts of the music they dashed their fista 
 frantically upon the table, vdth an utter disregard 
 of the consequences to their knuckles. Charley 
 happened to have liis hand grasped enthusiasti- 
 cally by a brawny Highlander, with a fist worthy 
 of Hercules. For a time, by dint of carefully 
 watching the descent of the locked digits, he 
 managed it so that the giant's should strike the 
 table, which they did every now and then with a 
 thud that caused a shudder to pass through 
 Cliarley's frame. Under the unmerciful thimips 
 of these noisy revellers the bacchanalian board, 
 covered as it was with bottles, glasses and gill 
 
320 NISH ! NISH ! NISH ! 
 
 stoups, pipes, and other miscellaneous articles, 
 emitted sounds sucli as might be produced by 
 half a dozen distracted kettle drums and slightly 
 fractured triangles. Unfortunately for himself, 
 Charley happened to tm-n his head for a moment 
 to answer a question, and failing to "mark time," 
 the wrong twist was given in the descent, and 
 poor Charley exclaimed with tears of agony fill- 
 ing his eyes — "Oh Lord! my hand's smashed 
 to pisces." The chorus was just finished, but 
 upon its recurrence he ruefully declined to in- 
 trust his hand again to the tender mercies of 
 his neighbour, who thumped on his own account, 
 apparently with as little feeling of pain as if he 
 were merely beating a pillow. Afterwards both 
 his and Garrempey's healths were proposed and 
 drank with Highland honom-s, when the whole 
 company leaped upon the chau-s, each man plac- 
 ing one foot upon a chair and the other upon the 
 table, holding a glass of whisky in the right hand, 
 and roaring out lustily, iVw/i/ nish! nisli! forming 
 a tableau which reminded one of a CorroboiTy of 
 natives on the banks of some Australian river. 
 
 This ceremony, followed by "Auld Lang 
 Syne," sung in the same position, terminated the 
 proceedings, and Garrempey and Charley, who 
 resolved to accompany him to Edinbm-gh, were 
 
LE ChaNT DU depart. 32i 
 
 suffered to get quietly on board the steamer, 
 having resokitely declined to be escorted by the 
 company, headed by the aforesaid piper. 
 
 What confessions Charley made to his friend 
 Garrempey, and what precise functions he per- 
 formed in connection with the London Press, we 
 are not at liberty to tell, as they were made with 
 all the secrecy of the confessional, whatever the 
 value of that may be, seeing that Charley's con- 
 fessions were always made after the fifth tmnbler; 
 but Garrempey was enjoined to tell it not in 
 Gath, to publish it not in Askalon, for the Philis- 
 tines, as a matter of cotu'se, would be sure to be 
 upon him. It is highly probable, however, that 
 we shall see Charley whenever another general 
 election comes round, when, in aU likelihood, he 
 will contest the suffrages of Dianaquaighshire. 
 Should he do so, and give us permission to enter 
 into further particulars, we shall perhaps be able 
 to tell all about that mysterious iadividual, Me. 
 Charles Edward Puff. 
 
CHAPTER XVII. 
 
 EVENING PAETY AT THE MANSE— SPECULATIONS OF MRS. PKY— 
 VILLAGE GOSSIP— A LAWYER'S DECLARATION OF LOVE — THE 
 EEV. HAYEAL CLASH SINGS A COMIC SONG. 
 
 T T7HILE Garrempey, Charley, and Huistan liad 
 been making a night of it at Kirsty's, the 
 party at Mrs. M'Corkscrew's were enjoying what 
 in newspaper literature is styled " the cup which 
 cheers but does not inebriate," and were "tiipping 
 it on the light fantastic toe." There was a pretty 
 fair gathering of friends and well-vdshers, includ- 
 ing, of course, the indispensable Poind, the inevit- 
 able Sneaker, and the gossiping Mrs. Pry. Mrs. 
 M'Corkscrew began to entertain hopes that she 
 would be allowed to remain in the manse, from 
 the apparently favourable result of the day's 
 proceedings. Miss Flora regarded Sneaker as 
 already her o^vn, while that gentleman looked 
 round the room with the aii* of one saying to 
 himself — "I wonder how much it will cost to 
 furnish the manse f Poind saw additional attrac- 
 tions in the possessor of fifteen thousand pounds, 
 while the young lady herself was anxiously 
 
AMENITIES OP THE MANSE. S23 
 
 regarding Mr. Porter, and wondering when he 
 would ask her to dance. 
 
 Mrs. Pry had been intently watching the move- 
 ments of her nephew, and of her whom she called 
 his " intendit." 
 
 " Keep me ! Mrs. M'Corkscrew," she suddenly 
 exclaimed, without taking her eyes oif the inter- 
 esting pair, " what an impident cratur that man 
 they ca' Garrempey is ! Set him up tae speak as 
 he did o' the likes o' you gentle folks here I A 
 was maist fleein' on him mysel'." 
 
 " Oh ! these lawyers," piously ejaculated the 
 other, " they devour widows' houses." 
 
 " Yet we canna dae weel wantin' them aithers," 
 replied the postmistress, turning her head, but 
 casting at the same time a sly glance with what 
 she was in the habit of calling the " tail o' her ee" 
 in the direction of the lovers, who were engaged 
 in earnest conversation on the sofa. 
 
 " They're just a necessary evil," dolefully 
 observed the other. " Take another cup. Where 
 do you get yom* tea from, Mrs. Pry ? I hear a 
 great deal about it. Flora tells me it's capital." 
 
 " Ou, a jist get the steward o' the Eob Roy to 
 gie a ca' in at Campbell Blair's, on his wey tae the 
 Broomielaw, ye ken. It's in Jamaica Street, an' 
 a rale fine estaiblishment it is, whar ye're shure o' 
 
sat MRS. PRY'S REFLECTIONS. 
 
 gettiii' everything guid. Ye'll get the verra best 
 tea for three shillings an' four pence the pun'.* 
 
 " Well, I'll be very much obliged to you, if 
 you'll procure me a pound of it." 
 
 " A'll dae that wi' pleesure, Mrs. M'Corkscrew. 
 A'U gar Willie Machash biing't wi' him the neist 
 time I see him. He's up reglar at the post whan 
 the boat comes in. But isna that an awfu' thing 
 noo, aboot Alister Fillyerglass an' the man they 
 ca' Casey ? They teU me their throats hae been 
 cut frae ear to ear, and their bodies thrawn intil 
 a loch they ca' Speldrun, wi' a rape roun' their 
 necks, tied tae twa big stanes !" 
 
 " Dear me T Mrs. Pry, Do you think that can 
 be true?" 
 
 " There's nae doot o't, Mrs. Fillyerglass believes't 
 hersel' ; an' d'ye ken," she remarked, in a whisper, 
 "a dinna think she wud grieve lang aboot it. 
 Alister was gettin' sic a di-ucken uiseless fallow, 
 he drank the maist o'ths profits she was makin' 
 oot o' the shop, an' ye ken," she added, slily, " he's 
 a heap aulder nor her. She's a rale weel-dain' 
 wuman, an' a braw ane tae, an' wudna' be lang o' 
 gettin' anither man if Alister was awa'. She tel't 
 me she didna' care hoo sune it happen't." 
 
 " Do you say so ?" 
 
 *' I dae that, but ye njauna say a word aboot 
 
LOVE'S YOUNa DREAM. 325 
 
 it, ye ken. Hoo weel that pair on the soffy looks ! 
 Aweel, it jist pits me in mind o' ma young days, 
 Mrs. M'Corkscrew." 
 
 The minister's widow put up her handkerchief 
 to her face and heaved a sigh, thinking, probably, 
 of her own youthful days, but she immediately 
 remarked, 
 
 " He's a good-looking young man, Mr. Sneaker." 
 
 " Ay, an' as guid's he's bonny," briskly remarked 
 his loving aunt. "He's ane o' the kindest an' 
 onselfishest craturs a ever kent. He was that frae 
 his craidle." 
 
 The loving pair referred to were seated by 
 themselves. 
 
 " I have not had an opportunity of telling you, 
 my dear Flora," said Sneaker, " that I called upon 
 your aunt at Crossmungo. She's a much younger 
 woman than you led me to expect," he continued, 
 with an involuntary look of chagrin and disap- 
 pointment, which his fair companion did not 
 observe, — " and good-looking. She told me her 
 husband died only five years ago. She's quite 
 well and healthy now, and received me veiy 
 kiadly. She asked me to call any time I had a 
 mind. She has a capital house and groimds, and 
 must be wealthy." 
 
 "I believe her husband left her a hundred 
 
326 LOVE'S YOUNG DREAM. 
 
 thousand pounds, besides the house and grounds, 
 and two other estates." 
 
 " Do you really tell me so !" said Sneaker, a 
 sudden thought seeming to flash across his mind. 
 
 " I cannot say positively, but I have been told 
 BO, and I have no reason to dotibt it." 
 
 Sneaker gave a sigh, which did not fail to 
 reach the ears of his companion, but she, poor 
 girl, thought it related to herself, and gave his 
 hand an additional squeeze. It was not returned 
 with equal vigour. 
 
 At this moment Mrs. M'Corkscrew came for- 
 ward and said — " Flora, I think you'll have to look 
 after supper. Mr. Sneaker will excuse you for 
 half-an-hom-." 
 
 " Oh I by all means." He had been longing for 
 a talk with Poind, to see whether he had ascer- 
 tained anything about the aunt's deed of settle- 
 ment. So, beckoning to the latter, who was 
 holding an animated conversation with Miss 
 M'Phillabeg, he came over to the sofa. 
 
 " Well, Mr. Poind," said Sneaker, blandly, have 
 you found out anything as to the deed? I was 
 just speaking to Miss M'Corkscrew about it, and 
 she left to give me a chance of havmg a talk with 
 you." 
 
 "Oh! yes; I was thinking how I could get 
 
ALL FOR LOVE. 327 
 
 hold of you for a few mintites. I have not been 
 to Glasgow myself, but I wrote to my partner, Mr. 
 Horn, and had a letter from him this morning. I 
 had no time to show it to you before, but here it is. 
 You can read it." 
 
 " They'll think it's connected with the case," 
 he observed, as he saw Sneaker giving an imeasy 
 look around. 
 
 The letter ran as follows: — 
 
 Chambers, 
 22 Candleeiggs, 
 Glasgow 18 
 
 " My Dear Poind, 
 
 " I got your letter of Tuesday, as to the iuforma- 
 tion wished by your fair friend. 
 
 " I saw Kule in Court yesterday, but as I could not put 
 the question to him direct, I was obliged to adopt the ruse 
 of saying that one of our clients was thinking of feuing a 
 piece of ground out at Crossmimgo, the proprietor of which, 
 I understood, was the party you refer to. 
 
 "I made several enquiries as to the feu duty, composition, 
 the state of the title, &c. In the course of conversation, I 
 ascertained that the aunt is absolute fiar, her husband having 
 left her everything. She has no children. The Inventory of 
 the personal estate is £150,000, and the rental, feu duties, and 
 interest of money invested, amount to £2000 per annvmi. 
 She has executed a general Disposition and Settlement, not a 
 Trust Disposition, as you mentioned, with, of course, the 
 usual power to alter. 
 
328 ALL FOR LOVE. 
 
 " The lady you refer to is entitled, on her aunt's death, to 
 the life-rent interest of a sum of £5000, to be administered by 
 trustees, the fee to go to the children of any marriage she may 
 contract. Of course, in these circumstances, the husband 
 cannot touch the principal. 
 
 "Business is pretty brisk. I hope you are getting on 
 swimmingly with the Veto case. 
 
 " Yours always, 
 
 " BLOWYER HORN. 
 
 " Sharper Poind, Esq." 
 
 " Is it satisfactory'?" asked Poind, who saw by 
 Sneaker's look that he was disappoiated. 
 
 "Well, I think Miss M'Corkscrew expected 
 that it would be different. The letter says that 
 the aunt has power to alter." 
 
 " Yes, that's a usual reservation in all Disposi- 
 tions and Settlements." 
 
 " Then, supposing," said Sneaker, hesitatingly, 
 "one were to marry the niece, she might not, 
 after all, get this life-rent?" 
 
 " Possibly; but I don't think it's a lilcely thing 
 that a wealthy old woman like this aunt would 
 alter it." 
 
 " But she's not old; and what's more, she's 
 good looking." 
 
 « Well, what about that?" 
 
 " Only tnis," said the other, " that she might 
 marry again." 
 
ALL FOE LOVE. 329 
 
 " True, and you think that perhaps her hus- 
 band might get her to make a new disposition of 
 her property. Well, that would be upon the 
 cards certainly, but of course all depends upon 
 the character of the lady herself. If she married 
 again, she would, no doubt, enter into a marriage 
 contract, repeating the provision." 
 
 " But she might not, and her husband might 
 becoriie unfortunate in business." 
 
 " Well, but if there was no other deed executed, 
 the present would stand. I'm afraid, Mr. Sneaker, 
 you're — ^I mean Miss M'Corkscrew is — ^rather 
 anxious on the su.bject." 
 
 Seeing Sneaker's face getting rather red, the 
 lawyer suddenly changed the subject. 
 
 " By the bye, have you done anything for me 
 with Miss M'Phillabeg f 
 
 " I — I — that is, I didn't speak to her myself, 
 but I think Miss M'Corkscrew did." 
 
 " You spoke to her then ?" 
 
 " I only hinted it sHghtly at &st to pave the 
 way." 
 
 The fact was, Sneaker had been so much 
 engrossed with his own selfish plans that he forgot 
 all about those of his coadjutor, and rather than 
 confess the truth, had recourse to equivocation, 
 which did not escape the observation of Poind. 
 
330 ALL FOR LOVE. 
 
 The latter, however, merely said, " I hope you can 
 bring it above board to-night, as I shall have to 
 leave for GlasgoAv to-morrow." 
 
 "Have you sounded her yom-self ?" asked the 
 other. 
 
 " Well, hardly so far as to be able to say how 
 she feels. "When I first came I thought she 
 wouldn't be averse to my addresses, but I'm not so 
 sure about it now. Do you observe that she seems 
 to flii't a good deal with that fellow. Porter ? I 
 wonder how she could think of a fat bloated 
 Englishman like him." 
 
 "Poind's jealousy had made hun malicioiis— 
 Porter, though he might be called stout, was 
 neither bloated nor fat, but what is ordinarily 
 termed jolly looking. 
 
 " There's no accounting for tastes," observed 
 Sneaker; "but here comes Miss M'Corkscrew — 
 I'll speak to her at once." 
 
 " Do, like a good fellow," said Poind, rising to 
 rejoin Miss M'Phillabeg, whom he saw sitting by 
 herself, Porter having left her to join the clerical 
 party in the dining room, who, as they were not 
 dancing men, passed the time in g-uzzling strong 
 toddy iintil the cloth was laid for supper, the 
 savoury odoiir of which, proceeding from the 
 kitchen close by, began by this time to quicken 
 
LEGAL LOVE MAKING. 331 
 
 their sense of hunger. Toddy, it seems, is 
 regarded as a strong provocative to appetite. 
 
 As the combined aroma of roast fowls, frizzled 
 ham, and other nice things, became stronger, and 
 the sound of sputtering frying pans waxed louder, 
 several impatient heads were turned in the direc- 
 tion of the door to see if they could, like sister 
 Ann in Blue Beard, observe " anybody coming." 
 Mr. Havral Clash could not resist exclaiming, " I 
 wunner hoo lang thae folk in the ither room are 
 to keep shuffling awa' wi' their feet f 
 
 But there was more than shuffling with the 
 feet going on there. Sneaker was shuffling with 
 regard to Miss M'Corkscrew, while Poind, having 
 Miss M'Phillabeg all to himself, was trying to 
 shuffle his cards to Avin a stake of fifteen thousand 
 pounds. 
 
 " Well, Miss M'Phillabeg," he observed, " I see 
 your friend has left you to join the clericals." 
 
 " And why don't you follow him f 
 
 " Because," said he, in his blandest manner, " I 
 prefer your society." 
 
 " Oh I come now," exclaimed the wicked Miss 
 Helen, with a roguish look, "that's downright 
 flattery, Mr. Poind. If you prefer my society, let 
 us become vis-a-vis to Flora and Mr. Sthk, I see 
 they're looking for a couple." 
 
332 A DECLARATION. 
 
 Poind was delighted. Could it be Ms own 
 declaration, whicli he regarded as a palpable hit, 
 that had produced so favourable an impression, or 
 was it that Sneaker had fulfilled his promise 
 to speak to Miss M'Corkscrew? He was in 
 doubt. Anyhow the result was the same, and 
 Poind set to his partner and pousetted with 
 increased agility, and immense satisfaction to 
 himself. On seeing the lady to her seat he 
 placed himself beside her, resolved to renew 
 the attack, 
 
 "Now, do you really think. Miss M'Phillabeg," 
 he resumed, while trying to look as enchanting 
 as his skinny jaws would permit, " that I don't 
 prefer your company to that of those carousing 
 gentlemen in the other room? More than 
 that," he said, looking unutterably tender 
 things, "I prize your society more than that 
 of any lady here. I have seen no one since I 
 came to this place for whom I have a higher 
 esteem or regard than for yoiu'self. I might even 
 use a stronger term," he said, with increased 
 warmth. 
 
 " That's what all you gentlemen say," replied 
 his fair companion, with an admirable look of 
 embarrassment. " If we could believe yoiu- sin- 
 cerity, it would be all very well; but you say 
 
AVIZANDUM. 333 
 
 things as a mere matter of course, and laugh at 
 us for believing them." 
 
 " Upon my honour I Miss M'Phillabeg," ex- 
 claimed Poind, with emphasis, putting his hand 
 at the same time on his breast, " I am perfectly- 
 sincere. It may be fooHsh, perhaps, on my part 
 to say it, but it comes from my heart. I have 
 been thinking of you ever since I came here. I 
 wonder sometimes how I have got so far through 
 with this law business. In fact, I feel it becoming 
 irksome already." 
 
 " We must not talk any more of this nonsense, 
 Mr Poind. I see people are looking at us." 
 
 "Well, then, may I write, as I leave to-morrow f 
 
 "You must use your own discretion, upon that 
 poiat," replied the lady, rising, and going over to 
 rejoin her cousin. 
 
 "Losh me I" said Mrs. Pry, who had been 
 regarding the two with the watchfulness of a cat 
 during the period occupied by the conversation, 
 " if that's no coortship, it's unco like it." 
 
 "What's that?" said Mrs. M'Corkscrew. 
 
 " That couple ower there — ^Mr. Poind and Miss 
 M'Phillabeg, a doot they're makin't up." 
 
 " Oh, no I she's only flirting with him. He's not 
 the sort of man she would take up with, you may 
 depend upon it," 
 
334 WASN'T SHE CRUEL? 
 
 "A'm no verra shure aboot that, Mrs. M'Cork- 
 screw ; he seemed tae me tae be pleeding his cause 
 gey weel. Ye ken we're a' open tae flattery — 
 wuman's weak." 
 
 " Yes, and men are deceitful," replied the other. 
 
 " Weel, a'U no say no ; but, losh me ! we a' like 
 tae be made o' by them for a' that. We wudna 
 be what we're noo if we wasna." 
 
 By this time supper was announced. Poind 
 was going up to offer his arm to Miss M'Phillabeg. 
 Porter was advancing on the opposite side. Both 
 arrived at the same time. The ungrateful crea- 
 ture took the arm of him who had left her 
 society for that of a few toddy drinkers in 
 preference to that of the gallant knight who 
 had declared his love for her! Such, however, 
 is a flirt. Like an ignis fatuus, the more she's 
 followed the more she recedes, until she, perhaps, 
 lands her pursuer in the ditch. As Shakespeare 
 hath it — 
 
 " Love like a shadow flies, when substance love piirsiies, 
 Pursuing that that flics, and flying what pursues," 
 
 Or, as Buchanan elegantly paints her in the famous 
 lines, which, it is said. Menage admired so much, 
 as to have preferred their aiithorship to his best 
 benefice — 
 
WASN'T SHE cruel; 335 
 
 "Ilia mihi semper praegenti dura Neaera, 
 
 Me quoties absum semper abesse dolet ; 
 Non desiderio nostri, non mseret amore, 
 
 Sed se non nostro posse dolore frui." 
 
 " Neaera is harsh at our every greeting, 
 Whene'er I am absent she wants me again ; 
 
 'Tis not that she loves me, or cares for our meeting. 
 She misses the pleasure of seeing my pain." 
 
 Poind looked crest-fallen, but did not despair. 
 A keen lawyer never does. 
 
 The conversation at supper was chiefly occupied 
 with the events of the day, and the mysterious 
 absence of the two parties who had gone to 
 Snuffmull. 
 
 "How is it that Di-. Browser was so 
 hard upon Mr. Mackintrowsers, to-day 1" asked 
 Poind. 
 
 Mackintrowsers, it may be mentioned, was not 
 of the party. 
 
 " Oh !" said the Eev. Havral Clash, " I thocht ye 
 kent. He would be hard on us a' if he could. He 
 affects to believe that none o' us here present, or 
 Mackintrowsers either, would ever have gotten 
 pairishes except for the Disruption; and when 
 Mackintrowsers was inducted, the doctor wrote a 
 gong about him, which annoyed him very much. 
 
336 SOME MUSIC. 
 
 His father was a joiner. It spread over the 
 country, and used to be sung often at pairties. 
 They have never been on good terms since. You 
 would see that he wasna angry wi' the banter o' 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell." 
 
 " Yes, I observed that," said Poind. 
 
 " Mr. Clash can sing the song," said Skirley- 
 whitter, with a malicious grin. 
 
 " Oh ! pray do sing it, Mr. Clash," said Miss 
 M'Phillabeg. 
 
 Havral had the vanity to believe that he 
 could sing, but at first, like all great artistes, he 
 pleaded the usual excuses. Pressed, however, 
 by a bevy of fair importuners, he consented, 
 and favoured the company with the following 
 ditty : — 
 
 " THE WANDERING PREACHER." 
 
 As sung by the Rev. Lauchlin Maokintrowsers, at a Presby- 
 tery dinner, on his induction to the parish of Loch- 
 abernoraore. 
 
 Words by the Eev. Dr. Pompeius Bro-wser.— AiE, Joseph Tuek. 
 
 Pm Jock the joiner's only son, 
 
 A raither curious lad, sirs, 
 An' for some five an' twenty years, 
 
 A iYa»dering life Pre had, sirs , 
 
COMIC SONG. 337 
 
 But as I've now been settled here, 
 
 I'll tell you what my trade is, 
 
 I'm joiner, smith, a reverend clerk, 
 
 An' a great freen o' the ladies 
 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 
 Fal al di riddle addy. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
 I got ma trade in Scartintoon, 
 
 A raither anchient place, sirs ; 
 An' for the space o' twenty years, 
 I seldom washed ma face, sirs. 
 But whan I leam't tae read an' write, 
 
 An' count the rule o' three, sirs ; 
 
 Ma mither said she dream't ae nicht, 
 
 A clergy I sud be, sirs. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 
 Fal al di riddle addy. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
 She sent me tae the pairish sohule, 
 
 Then teached by Johnny Meek, sirs ; 
 'Twas there I learnt the algebra, 
 
 The Laitin and the Greek, sirs. 
 Au' as I prov'd a scholard bright. 
 
 That man o' pooerfu' knowledge, 
 Advised ma dad 'twas just an' richt, 
 I sud be sent tae college. 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 Fal al di riddle addy, 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
33S COMIC SONG. 
 
 Sae I went up tae Glaisgae straucht, 
 
 In braw new kilt an' hose, sirs, 
 An' gaed tae the professor's hoose, 
 
 Quite prood aboot ma clothes, sirs. 
 He took me for a piper loon, 
 
 An' quickly shut the door, sirs ; 
 
 An' sae I wauner'd through the toon, 
 
 Wi' waefu' heart an' sore, sirs. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 
 Fal al di riddle addy. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
 But syne I ca'd on Sandy Shaw, 
 A taillyer guid an' bold, sirs, 
 A hail full kizzen o' ma ain, 
 
 To him ma tale I told, sirs. 
 Says he, " Ye'U need a pair o' breaks, 
 
 I'll see and mak them ready ; 
 Gin college meets in twa three weeks, 
 Ye'll hae them shure an' steady." 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 iTal al di riddle addy. 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
 Jt got through a' the claisses fair, 
 An' syne gaed tae the Ha', sii-s ; 
 
 'Twas said amang the students there, 
 That I could beat them a', sirs. 
 
 An' in the year o' forty-three, 
 That year o' noise an' ruokshun, 
 
COMIC SOK(J. 33d 
 
 I got a kirk frae Government, 
 Hooray! for the Disruption. 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 Fal al di riddle addy, 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
 Sin' I got a' ma learnin' bye, 
 
 A score o' years, an' mair, sirs , 
 I've focht a battle wi' the warld, 
 
 A weary ane an' sair, sirs. 
 But noo I've got a kirk an' manse, 
 
 A wife an' bairnies three, sirs ; 
 
 An' meat an' drink for ony freen ; 
 
 Here's luck tae you an' me, sirs. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow, 
 
 Fal al di riddle addy. 
 
 Bow, wow, wow. 
 
 The Rev. Havral was highly complimented 
 upon his song, which was received with roars of 
 laughter. 
 
 " You might give us the one the doctor com- 
 posed on yoiu:sel' now," said the malicious Skirley- 
 whitter, who was the cynic of the Presbytery. 
 
 Havral got rather red in the face, and said he 
 forgot it. 
 
 "But I haven't!" growled Skirl eywhitter. 
 
 "Oh, it would be too bad to ask a man to 
 become his own executioner," said the amiable 
 Flora — •"We can't allow you, Mr. Shirley whitter" 
 
340 MURDEK. 
 
 " Very well," sulkily replied the clerical Dio- 
 , genes, " the one's just as good's the other." 
 
 The feeling between the two worthies was not 
 a very warm one, as may be inferred from this 
 circumstance. 
 
 " Can you account.Mr.Puncheon," said Poind," for 
 the long absence of our messengers at Snuffmullf 
 
 " No," answered the latter. " I wi-ote to the 
 parties to whom I had given your clerk introduc- 
 tions, and I have had answers from them all, say- 
 ing that they had neither seen nor heard anything 
 about them." 
 
 " They tell me," said the talkative Mrs. Pry, 
 " that they're mm-dered, wi' their throats cut frae 
 ear tae ear, an' thrawn into a place ca'd Loch 
 Speldrum, wi' stanes aboot then- necks." 
 
 " Who in the name of God told you that ?" 
 said Poind, hon-ified, for no one in the company 
 had heard the story except Mrs. M'Corkscrew, who 
 had thought nothing about it, as her head was oc- 
 cupied with matters of more importance to herself. 
 
 " Ou, it was jist Mrs. Fillyerglass — she tel't me 
 hersel' that word cam' wi' the steamer tae that effec'." 
 
 "Lord preserve us I" said Skii-leywhitter, " I 
 wouldn't be surprised though it's true. I know 
 the place well. The people are the most heathen- 
 ish race in the country, and if they laiew what 
 
NIGHT THOUGHTS. 341 
 
 they came aboot, I -would expect nothing but 
 violence at their hands." 
 
 " This is awful," said Puncheon; " I must write 
 at once to Ochtertory, and let the fiscal know." 
 
 " If the bodies are found, the matter will be in 
 his hands already," remarked Poind. 
 
 " But then, he may not know where they came 
 fi.-om," observed Puncheon. 
 
 " I'll go and write a letter to him directly," 
 said Poind, rising and leaving the room. 
 
 This disagreeable subjecc threw a damp over 
 the hilarity of the evening, and shortly afterwards 
 the party broke up. 
 
 There were two unhappy individuals in the 
 manse that night — ^Messrs. Sneaker and Poind. 
 Neither of them could sleep. Harassing doubts 
 haunted the minds of both. The former began to 
 ponder over the possibility of an alteration of the 
 aunt's settlement, and the chances of the objectors 
 being unsuccessful in keeping out the presentee ; 
 but even if they were not, was it certain that he 
 himself would be the coming man ? Ah ha ! 
 think of that ! The mind loveth not to dwell 
 upon uncertainty, — ^it has a sickening effect. It 
 was not a difficult jump from the niece to the 
 aunt. There was the tremendous sum of a 
 hundred and fifty thousand pounds, and two 
 
342 NIGHT THOUGHTS. 
 
 thousand pounds per annum! — the large house 
 and grounds dead certain. She was absolute 
 mistress of them all — ^not old either, but buxom ! 
 Gad ! it was something to stir a man's ambition. 
 
 Sneaker had heard that in matrimony, as in 
 every tiling else, one should never point low. To 
 hit the mark it is often necessary to aim above it. 
 Miss M'Corkscrew was above his mark in position 
 and influence. Mightn't one aim even higher? 
 Faint heart never won fair lady. He had not a 
 faint heart, although a very selfish one, so he re- 
 solved to have two strings to his bow, and with- 
 out a quiver at his dastardly resolution, he dozed 
 off into an uneasy slumber. 
 
 Poind, who slept in the adjoining room, was 
 equally unhappy, perhaps more so, for Sneaker 
 was in a favourable position compared with him, 
 being the accepted lover of Miss M'Corkscrew, 
 whereas Poind had not been accepted, and he had 
 strong misgivings as to whether he would be. Had 
 he been asked his opinion, the case being that of 
 another, he would have said " certainly not." We 
 are always bad judges in matters which concern 
 ourselves, and remarkably weak counsellors where 
 our own self-love is an opponent. A man should 
 not, if possible, be his own lawyer any more than 
 his own doctor, and although it is good for us to 
 
DISSOLVING VIEWS. 343 
 
 take counsel -with ourselves, there are many of us, 
 doubtless, who would have been vastly more 
 happy if Ave had advised rather more frequently 
 Avith others. The decision which Poind would 
 have had no difficulty in giving in the case of 
 another, he could not pronounce against himself. 
 Miss M'Phillabeg had certainly not given him 
 permission to write, but then she hadn't refused 
 it. She left it to his own discretion. That might, 
 however, mean that seeing the position Porter 
 occupied in her estimation, it would be wiser for 
 Poind to go no further. 
 
 While dozing imeasilyinvain attempts to secure 
 sleep, visions of £150,000, in large figures, similar 
 to those written on the labels exhibited in the 
 Avindows of drapers' shops, passed before him like 
 dissolving views. His mind Avandered again to 
 Sneaker, and to Miss M'Corkscrew's £5000 — sud- 
 denly he saw passing slowly along the Trongate, 
 borne on the shoulders of a well-known bearer, a 
 huge placard with £150,000, and £2,000 per 
 annum, written below the portrait of a widow, 
 good-looking and not old I He awoke Avith a 
 start and began to ponder. What his thoughts 
 were we may probably learn by and bye, mean- 
 time we shall leave the precious pair to their 
 uneasy slumbers. 
 
CHAPTER XVIII. 
 
 MURDER WILL OUT— APPEEHENSION AND EXAMINATION OF A 
 HIGHLAND SHERIFF-OFFICER AND HIS CONCURRENT — DEAG- 
 GING FOE THE BODIES— SCENE ON LOCHSPELDING — HOW 
 THEY MANAGE JUDICUL INVESTIGATIONS IN IRELAND — FATE 
 OF ALISTER FILLYERGLASS AND TIMOTHT CASET. 
 
 "pOIND'S letter, the continued absence of Casey 
 ■^ and Fillyerglass, and the rumours of theii- 
 murder, at once caused the fiscal of SnufEmuU to 
 make an investigation. The story of the murder 
 had originated "with one of the hands of the 
 steamer, who had stated ia joke that the two 
 men had got their throats cut, and that then- 
 bodies were thrown iato' the loch. Cmiously 
 enough, this man had disappeared. He left the 
 steamer in Greenock, and shipped in a vessel for 
 America. His real name was Donald Campbell, 
 but he signed articles as John Cameron. This, in 
 the eyes of the fiscal, looked a very suspicious 
 circumstance. He was, however, at a loss where 
 to begia his inquiiy. Nobody in Ochtertory, so 
 far as he could learn, ever saw the men. He was 
 completely nonplussed. 
 
MURDER WILL OUT. 345 
 
 Jock M'Service became seriously alarmed. He 
 very prudently destroyed Garrempey's letter, and 
 held an earnest consultation with his assistant, 
 Ai-chy M'Taggart, 
 
 " Got I Airchy," he observed, to his fiery- 
 haired concurrent, "put this is tumin' oot a 
 serious bizziness ; a wish a had naething tae dae 
 wi't!" 
 
 " A wish sae tae !" said Archy, with a hang- 
 dog look, thinkiag that his fees and perquisites at 
 roups and sales ran a fair chance of being com- 
 pletely smashed up. 
 
 " We maun keep verra quaite aboot it, Airchy. 
 A houp Lucky Mackerel 'II haxid her wheesht," 
 
 " Ou, she was jist as muckle tae blame as huz," 
 said Archy, with an expression which seemed to 
 imply satisfaction that another was in the same 
 scrape. 
 
 " Man, a think ye'll hae tae gang ower the 
 nioht, an' wern her. That tammed fiscal, Turn- 
 bolt's, rakia' heaven an' earth, tae fin' oot what's 
 become o' them." 
 
 " Wad it no be better tae gang an' tell him V 
 observed Archy, timidly. 
 
 " Are ye mad !" said Jock, looking at liis 
 hopefal protdgd in utter amazement. D'ye think 
 am gaun tae rin my heed intil a hempen gravat % 
 
348 DRAGGING FOR THE BODIES. 
 
 Awa' man, awa' ! a tlioclit ye'd mail- gumption 
 nor that. We wad be baith taen up at aince an' 
 brocht afore Sheriff Sharky for exemnation, an' 
 then clappit in jail, maybe for eax or seeven 
 months, till they got full e\ddence agin' us. 
 Man, dinna think o' that !" 
 
 In the meantime Lochspelding was dragged 
 from end to end, day and night, for nearly a month. 
 The Ardupmurchan corps of Volimteer coast 
 artillery fired daily salvoes over its dark and 
 stormy water, in the hope that, if they were not 
 lying too sntigly at anchor, AHster and Casey, 
 disgusted with the noise and the various reports 
 going about, would quietly yield themselves tip 
 and claim the rites of Christian burial, instead of 
 playing at hide and seek among the finnan bad- 
 dies and other finny tribes of the fatal loch on 
 which they had been forced to knock under. It 
 would have required the pencil of Tm-ner to 
 depict the weird landscape round the shores of 
 this romantic lake in the pale moonlight, under 
 which the dredgers, in their old coble, pm'sued the 
 midnight search — now slowly rounding the point 
 of some wooded headland reposing in the shimmer 
 of the silvery moonbeams — anon hidden by the 
 shade of a tenebrous cloud, wliile the measured 
 click of the rusty rowlocks, heard above the melan- 
 
(0 
 UJ 
 
 Q 
 
 O 
 01 
 
 1- 
 o 
 
 O 
 
 < 
 a 
 
DRAGGING FOR THE BODIES. 347 
 
 choly song of the pullers, came faintly over tlie 
 rippling wave ; then, as if suddenly stopped by 
 some ghostly challenge, the very oars would seem 
 to cease their dipping, and to be listening amidst 
 death-like silence to a far-off souch from the woods 
 beyond — the gloomy borders of a spirit-world — 
 anon the dipping of blades, and with an elfin ring 
 came the Celtic croon of invisible rowers — 
 
 " The herring loves the merry moonlight, 
 The mackerel loves the wind ; 
 But the oyster loves the dredger's song, 
 For it comes of a gentle kind." 
 
 Once the trawlers thought they were success- 
 fiil. They hooked a heavy body, and there was 
 evidently a weight attached to it. 
 
 " Got ! she'll hae ane o' them noo," whispered 
 the boatman who was using the drag. 
 
 "Canny I Sheordie, canny!" said his compan- 
 ions, who were all gaping over the gunwale; "for 
 fear she'll slip frae the grapple." 
 
 "Dhia! dliial put she'll see his plack coat!" 
 exclaimed one who could apparently see further 
 down than the others into the briny deep; "there 
 noo ! — ^there noo ! — canny, Sheordie ! she's comin' ; 
 wheesht! — ^wheesht! — Dhia! dhia! put it's an 
 awfu' wark ; a'm a' tremlin' I" 
 
348 IN BODILY FEAR. 
 
 All gave a prolonged " Ah !" as they brought 
 to the surface a large black Newfoundland dog, 
 with a rope round his neck attached to a huge 
 lump of coal. 
 
 " Whaur's ta wliusky, Sheordie ? A dinna feel 
 weel!" exclaimed the individual Avho had dis- 
 covered the black coat. 
 
 The whisky was passed round — the men sat 
 looldng at each other like statues. Not a word 
 was spoken for a few seconds. At last one of 
 them said, timidly — 
 
 « What will we'll do noo f 
 
 To this question there was no response. Each 
 seemed to be revolving in his mind what com-se 
 should be adopted. It was evident that some 
 superstitious feeliag was creepiag over them. 
 Highlanders, particularly those of them who are 
 fishermen, are notorious for being influenced by 
 the slightest circumstance which can be associated 
 with the supernatural. The finding of anything 
 black when looking for something else, is regarded 
 as very ominous. At last a sudden thought 
 seemed to strike one of them, and in answer to 
 the reiterated question — 
 
 " What will we'll do noo V 
 
 He solemnly and sententiously ejaculated — 
 
 " Tak' anither glaiss o' whusky !" 
 
SCUTTLE. 349 
 
 This answer seemed greatly to relieve the 
 minds of the others, and each wondered how it 
 was that he hadn't thought of it himself. But the 
 proposition was evidently made with the view 
 merely of gaining time for a fuller consideration 
 of the question, in short, an introduction to a con- 
 templated pis aller. The same individual, shortly 
 after the suggestion had been practically carried 
 out, again ejaculated — " What will we'll do noo ?" 
 
 The second glass of whisky seemed to have 
 had the effect of enabling them to make up their 
 minds with greater rapidity, for one said in a 
 decided voice, 
 
 " Got I she'll gang hame — she'll no like this 
 jop ava'." 
 
 With a simultaneous movement they seized 
 their oars. As they did so a black cloud passed 
 over the moon, and they pulled like madmen for 
 the shore I 
 
 Nothing would persuade them to go out again. 
 AVhen asked why? — the only answer was that 
 " they didna ken." 
 
 It appears that there existed a tradition that 
 there was an opening to the infernal regions ia 
 Lochspeldiag. The individual who fancied he 
 perceived the coat of a drowned man, when he 
 saw that the body brought up was that of a black 
 
350 JUSTICE ON THE SCENT. 
 
 dog, at once remembered the legend, and thought 
 that they had fished up something sent as a sign 
 of impending evil. From his exclamations and 
 trembling the others knew what was troubling 
 him, and became infected with similar fears. 
 
 The only parties who had 'seen Casey and 
 FiUyerglass in company with Jock M'Service and 
 his factotum, M'Taggart, were Lucky Mackerel, 
 the captaia, and the steward of the steamer. The 
 latter had, in all probability, been laughing over 
 the matter with the seaman who had stated in 
 Porterbier, no doubt, to all appearance seriously> 
 that they had been murdered. Sailors are pro- 
 verbial for this sort of joking. The fiscal at last 
 offered a reward of twenty pounds, to any party 
 who could give such information as would lead to 
 the apprehension of any person or persons who 
 had been seen with the missing men. The 
 steward, who by this time had left the steamer, 
 tempted by the offer, called upon the fiscal, 
 stating that he had seen the two men in the 
 company of Jock M'Service and his clerk, but 
 omitting to mention that they had gone away by 
 the steamer. This led to M'Service and Archy 
 being at once apprehended. In anticipation of 
 such an eventuality, Jock and his assistant had 
 agreed upon their story, which was simply that 
 
JUSTICE ON THE SCENT. 331 
 
 the two naen had called upon the former, stating 
 that they had been asked to get his assistance in 
 procuring evidence in the Veto case — that he and 
 Archy accompanied them to Lucky Mackerel's, 
 where they were to stay all night — that they had 
 some drink there, when the man Casey insisted 
 upon their going down to the steamer, as he 
 wanted to treat some of the crew — that they 
 accordingly all went, except Archy — that Casey 
 forgot his stick, and as he was too drunk to go 
 back for it, he (Jock) went himself, and that 
 before he returned the steamer was off — the 
 captain not knowing but that they were 
 passengers. Jock took care to see the 
 captain, and warn him as to the course to be 
 pursued. 
 
 The prisoners were duly brought before the 
 Sheriff-substitute for examination. They both 
 told the story as arranged. It seemed strange to 
 that legal functionary, that two men who had 
 been sent upon a special mission to Snuffmull, 
 which might probably occupy a week or ten days, 
 should, on the very day of their arrival, go on 
 board a steamer for Ireland, and he stated so to 
 the accused. 
 
 "But," said Jock, slily, "your lordship must 
 i-ecoUec' that Casey's a Irishman, an' that he may 
 
352 JUSTICE ON THE SCENT. 
 
 be ane o' thae Fenians, that wad like tae tak' this 
 wey o' gettin' hame." 
 
 " True," said the Sheriff, musing, " there's 
 something in that; but then both the men are 
 amissing, and this Alister Fillyerglass, I under- 
 stand, was a residenter in Porterbier, had a wife 
 and family there, and was an elder of the 
 church." 
 
 " That's quite true, ma lord," replied Jock ; 
 and determined to stretch a point, he said, " A 
 ken the man an' his faiinily weel enucli. His ■\^^fe 
 an' him never agreed thegeither, an' he wud be 
 gled to get quat o' her. Besides, ma lord," he 
 continued, " even supposing Alister Fillyerglass 
 was no wantin' tae run awa' frae his vdfe, the 
 Irishman could hardly get awa' frae him, an' he 
 maybe asked us a' doon tae avoid suspicion. They 
 were baith pretty fou, but a was," said Jock, 
 looking very sedate, " quite sober, an' a think, ma 
 lord, he sent me for the stick to get me oot o' the 
 wey, for the steam was up. A found nae stick, 
 an' afore a got back the boat was awa'. \Miat 
 objec', ma lord, could a hae in miu-derin' an Lish 
 clerk or a Porterbier elder ?" 
 
 "Well, certainly," said the Sheiiff, looking 
 rather puzzled, " it's a very extraordinaiy case. 
 Where's the steward, fiscal f 
 
MAEOHED TO PKISON. 353 
 
 "He's gone away with one of the Glasgow 
 boats, my lord." 
 
 " He was steward of the steamer f 
 
 " Yes," said Jock. 
 
 " If M'Service's story is true, he cannot get the 
 reward, for he should have told you that the men 
 went with the steamer, — ^I hope you didn't pay 
 him f 
 
 " Yes, I did, my lord. M'Service admitted that 
 he was with the men, and when the steward called 
 at my office, considering the terms of the reward, 
 I couldn't refuse to give it to him." 
 
 " Then he may have played you a smart Yankee 
 trick," said the Sheriff, laughing. " I advise you 
 to be more cautious in future." 
 
 "Well, M'Service, I'm very sorry I have no 
 alternative but to commit both you and your clerk 
 to prison until the return of the steamer from 
 Glasgow, which will not be sooner than a week." 
 
 Jock and his man, both with very rueful faces, 
 were accordingly marched off to jail, amidst a 
 great crowd. 
 
 " Eh, me ! " exclaimed an old woman, who 
 seemed to be an acquaintance of the hapless 
 sheriff-officer, "wha wud hae thocht that Jock 
 M'Service wud hae committed sic a bluidy murder 
 — cut their throats frae ear tae ear, an' tied stanes 
 
354 MARCHED TO PEISON. 
 
 till their necks like dowgs! God help us, sio 
 mounsters !" 
 
 " A aye thocht it wud come tae that o't," said 
 her crony, whose effects Jock had lately poinded, 
 but -was prevented from selling off by his appre- 
 hension, " A houp a'U ne'er see him come oot o' 
 that jail, whar he's pit mony a puir cratur, but wi' 
 a hempen gravat roun' his neck !" 
 
 " Ye see," remarked a third, " he needit the 
 help o' that ill-faured loon, Airchy M'Taggart, he 
 couldna' murder the twa o' them hissel'. A wunner 
 whilk o' the villains cut their throats f 
 , " On, they wudjist cut ane the piece, a reckon," 
 said an old hen-wife, with an indifference caused 
 probably by having spent the best part of 
 her life in thrawing the necks of unfortunate 
 chuckles. 
 
 " D'ye ken, they tell me," said another, " that 
 they're tae be drawn, hangit, an' quiarter't, an' 
 their booells taen oot and burn't — sic a brutal 
 murder's ne'er been heerd tell o'." 
 
 " They deserve it a'," ejaculated another ; " but 
 a pity puii- Mrs. M'Taggart, she's a rale dacent 
 body — she'll gae clean distrackit — a hear she's in" 
 a sair wey aboot it." 
 
 "Nae wunner, nae wunner, he's her only 
 bttirn!" somebody else remarked, 
 
OULD OIRLAND FOR IVIR ! 353 
 
 "Ay, but a rale bad ane," said an old farmer; 
 " he played a fine trick at ma sale. He gat ma 
 best coo for maist naething. Hoo he did it a 
 dinna ken, beenna he was in colleague wi' the 
 auctioneer." 
 
 "Ay, an' he did the same wi' ma kist o' 
 drawers," said another. 
 
 It was evident from these remarks, that the 
 unfortraiate prisoners had few Mends among the 
 people of Ochtertory. We must, however, leave 
 them in limbo for the present, to see what has 
 become of Casey and Fillyerglass. 
 
 When they were apprehended at Portslush, as 
 related in a previous chapter, they were taken to 
 the police station. It being rather early to bring 
 them before the magistrate, they were locked up 
 in separate cells, until that functionary had 
 breakfasted and gone through the morning 
 journals. This necessary process having been 
 completed, a mild Havanna served the double 
 purpose of digesting both. While employed in 
 this pleasant occupation, with the gauzy wreaths 
 of curling smoke surrounding, like a nimbus, his 
 legal head, the door was suddenly opened, and an 
 individual in the uniform of the Irish police made 
 his appearance. 
 
 "Well, Phil, what's up this morning?" 
 
S56 OULD OIRLAND FOR IVIR ! 
 
 "Not much, yer lianner; only we've nabbed 
 two av thim conspiratliors." 
 
 "Have you, by Jove?" said the magistrate, 
 jumping up from his chair, and taking the weed 
 out of his mouth. " How did you manage it?" 
 
 " Well, you see, yer banner, I wasn't there 
 meself at the first. Mike Doolan was making hia 
 rounds — ^Mike's a good man, yer banner — (he was 
 shortly to be married to Phil's sister) — when he 
 saw two spalpeens skulking round one av the 
 earners av thim sthreets near the quay, more 
 be token that the Scatch stamer had joost arroived. 
 I meself was joost about to go down to overhaul 
 her (the rogue had no such intention, but had 
 been drinking in a shebeen with some men of 
 the Connaught Eangers). Well, yer banner, 
 Mike at wunst gave chase, when the rascals cut 
 like blazes, and one av thim dlorew something I 
 tuk fur a revalver, which he threu into the wather 
 when he got sight av me coming, but it was a 
 hazy marning, yer banner. Well, when the con- 
 spirathors saw that it was av no use at all, at all, 
 to cut any more capers, they eui-rindered their 
 arms." 
 
 '• They'd arms, then?" 
 
 " Shure, they had their natral arms, yer banner." 
 
 "You're a quare boy, Pliil, Well, go on," 
 
OULD OIRLAND FOE IVIR ! 357 
 
 " Well, yer haimer, they surriiidered their arms 
 to be handcuffed, and they're now in thim cells 
 that yer hanner got built for the comfart av 
 political offinders." 
 
 " Do you know anything about them, Phil f 
 
 " Faix ! an' that's joost what I do, yer banner. 
 One av thim is Pat Ranlan, alias M'Geochagan, 
 alias Murphy, alias Timothy Casey." 
 
 " Ah ! I recollect him. Didn't he forge a bill 
 upon old O'Dowdr 
 
 "Troth, and that's joost what he did, yer 
 hanner." 
 
 "And who's the other, Phil?" 
 
 "The other conspirathor's a big hulking 
 Scatchman. I'm sartin shure I've obsarved him 
 in thim parts afore, and he's the very bhoy that 
 tuk the muskets and ball carteryidges into Lough 
 Foyle last year. Bedad ! but he's an ugly luking 
 spalpeen." 
 
 " Well, you'd better bring them to the Court 
 House at 11 o'clock for examination." 
 
 " All roight, yer hanner j" and with a military 
 flourish, Phil departed, having in his own opinion 
 made a very favourable impression upon the civic 
 functionary. 
 
 At 11 o'clock, accordingly, the prisoners were 
 taken to the Court House, around which a crowd 
 
358 OULB OIELAND FOR IVIR ! 
 
 had assembled to see the " conspirathors." There 
 was no manifestation, however, of ill-Avill towards 
 them. On the contrary, there seemed to be rather 
 a feehng of sympathy. 
 
 " Who's that rough-looking bhoy wid the hairy 
 cap ?" said a bystander. 
 
 " Shure they tell me he's a Scatchman." 
 
 " Sowl, thin, but he's an illigant specitnent av 
 his counthry." 
 
 " He'd be an ogly custhomer in a party foight, 
 anyhow, Pat." 
 
 " Thrue for ye, me bhoy; sure he's big an' ogly 
 enough." 
 
 " Upon me shurt an' ruffles, an' that's a caimbric 
 oath," observed another, " shiure he's the son av 
 the piper that played afore Moses, for Father 
 Brady says he was a Scatchman, an' no beauty 
 aithers." 
 
 Alister was certainly no beauty, as remarked 
 by the last speaker. He was a large, and had 
 been a powerftiUy-built man, with shoulders that 
 a pugilist would have envied. There was a Dirk 
 Hatteraick look, however, about his face, which 
 rendered it anything but agreeable. He had that 
 bull-dog expression of coimtenance, and prize- 
 fighting condition of body, so dear to the hearts 
 of Englishmen, but which finds no favoiu- now 
 
OULD OIRLAND FOR IVIR ! S59 
 
 with the Sir Thomas Henrys and Inspector 
 Tanners of this degenerate age. Alack-ardayl the 
 "noble art and science" of Jackson, Cribb, and 
 Sayers is doomed to die with our old nobility. 
 Manners and manors are changing fast in old 
 England. Alas ! for our modern Corinthians, it 
 is now but one step from the ring to the cell, 
 from the race-course to the court of bankruptcy. 
 Hastings are peas that sprout early, and are 
 plucked when green. A week or two suffice now 
 to strip our youth of ancestral paddocks, and to 
 enrich the sneaking foot-pads of the tm-f. Yet 
 Tattersalls lives, while the ring is doomed ! O 
 tempora ! O mores ! No more are we to witness 
 the ropes and stakes, with their anxious umpire, 
 judicious bottle-holders, and smiling pugs I What 
 is to become of the Fancy when 
 
 " Nee quisquam ex agmine tanto 
 Audet adire virum manibusque indncere csestus ?" 
 
 The pi-isoners having been brought into court, 
 Mike Doolan deposed that he was on duty near 
 the pier about the time the Scotch steamer came 
 in, and met the prisoners, one of whom he knew 
 to be accused of having forged a bill, and to be 
 charged with offences agauist the government. 
 
360 OULD OIKLAND FOE IVIR ! 
 
 '• Tliioking that the other might be an accomphce, 
 he had apprehended them both. 
 
 " Quite right, Mike," said the magistrate. " I 
 understand that when they first saw you they 
 attempted to cut and run, but when Phil hove in 
 eight they surrendered." 
 
 Mike looked rather taken aback, but a fierce 
 ■wink from Phil brought him sharp up, and he 
 quickly answered, " Yes, yer banner." 
 
 " That's no true !" said Alister. 
 
 " Silence, sur ! no interruption," roared out Phil. 
 
 " And," resumed the magistrate, " that one of 
 them threw something into the water, which you 
 thought was a revolver." 
 
 " Mike looked hard at Phil, and Phil winked 
 still more fiercely than before. 
 
 " Yes, yer banner," gulped out Mike. 
 
 " Which of the two was it that threw the 
 revolver into the water f 
 
 " I think," eaid Mike, giving Alister a malicious 
 look, " it was the Scatchman, yer banner." 
 
 "Lord! preserve us, sic leears!" roared out 
 Alister, now almost beside himself with terror. 
 
 " Silence, sur I" said Phil, " or it'll be worse for 
 yez." 
 
 Phil Mooney gave evidence exactly to the 
 same effect as he stated to the magistrate in the 
 
WITH THE IRISH POLICE. 
 
A JOLLY JUDGE. 361 
 
 morning, and added, " I'm sartin slim-e that's the 
 same individual (pointing to Alister) that landed 
 the muskets and ball carterydges in Lough Foyle 
 last year. We gave chase to him an' other two 
 men, but as it was dark, yer banner, they escaped 
 on board av a smaik lying convaynient about a 
 moile fi-am the shore." 
 
 "Well, but Phil," observed the magistrate, 
 "if it was dark, how could you distinguish 
 himf 
 
 " Shure, yer banner, I saw his face clane and 
 clever by the flash av me carbine." 
 
 " He might see your face, Phil, by the flash of 
 your carbine, but I can't make out how you could 
 see his." 
 
 " Did I say my carbine, yer banner I" 
 
 " Of course you did." 
 
 " Well thin, shm-e, I mint his." 
 
 " Did they fire upon you %" 
 
 " Troth, an' that's joost what they did, yer 
 banner ; and one av their bullets came so class to 
 me left ear, that I've not had the riglar use av it 
 till this blessed day, sorra a bit I" 
 
 " It's a' lees, my lord, frae beginnin' tae end 1" 
 
 "Silence, sur!" said Phil, in a stern voice; 
 " you know it's too thrue, nothing but the truth." 
 
 " Oh Lord I" ejaculated poor Alister, whose 
 
362 A JOLLY JUDGE. 
 
 imagination painted a dangling rope ready to be 
 put round lois neck. 
 
 " What's your name f said the magistrate. 
 
 " Ahster FUlyerglass, ma lord." 
 
 "Well, AHster, I'm not a lord yet, I wish I 
 were ; but I believe your judges in Scotland are 
 styled so." 
 
 "Do you fill your glass often, Alisterl" said 
 the facetious judge. 
 
 "Whiles, ma lord," 
 
 " Now, where did you come from, and how do 
 you happen to be in company with the other 
 prisoner f 
 
 "Weel, ma lord, a stop in the village o' 
 Porterbier, an' a'm an elder o' the ku-k." 
 
 " The church, I suppose you mean. — Well f 
 
 " Weel, ma lord, a was askit tae gang alang 
 wi' this gentleman, wha's a clerk in the offish o' 
 Messrs. Horn and Poind, writers, Glasgow, tae 
 Snufimull." 
 
 " To where ?" said the magistrate. 
 
 " Tae SnuffmuU, ma lord." 
 
 "Where's that?" 
 
 " In the north-west o' Scotland, ma lord." 
 
 "Do they make snuif there?" 
 
 "A'm no verra shure, but a ken they mak' 
 whuskev." 
 
A JOLLY JUDGE. 363 
 
 " Well, give me yoior mull, Alister, for I see 
 you snufF." 
 
 Alister's spirits began to rise as lie handed up 
 his snuff-horn. 
 
 " Well, go on ; what did you go there for T' 
 
 " Tae get up evidence in the Veto case." 
 
 " In the Veto case. What case is that ?" 
 
 "They want tae keep a minister cot o' the 
 parish o' Veto, whar the village o' Porterbier is. 
 He gat a presentation, as they ca't, frae Grovern- 
 ment, to the church, an some o' the folks are 
 trying to keep him oot." 
 
 " Very improper thing, Alister, very improper ; 
 and you went to get evidence against him, along 
 with the other prisoner, who is the clerk, I sup- 
 pose, of the solicitors for ' thae folks,' as you call 
 them, who are tiying to keep the clergyman out 
 of his benefice. Is that it f 
 
 " Yes, ma lord." 
 
 " Well, go on." 
 
 " Weel, we gat tae Snuffmull, an' gaed alang 
 wi' twa folk there wha said they were askit tae 
 help us tae get up the evidence, an' we travell't 
 wi' them aboot aucht miles till we cam tae a place 
 whar a steamer was lying, an' they tauld us that 
 wud tak' us tae whar we Avas tae gang tae for the 
 evidence. They gied us a giud drap o' diink, an" a 
 
364 HAED LINES. 
 
 think they maun hae pit something no canny 
 intilt, for a hae na feelt weel sin' syne. We a' 
 got intill the steamboat, an' a dinna min' ony 
 thing mair till we cam here. They werna in the 
 boat, an' maun jist hae done it to get us awa' frae 
 Snuffmull." 
 
 " Served you right, Alister, for being about 
 such unholy work." 
 
 "A very loikely story, yer banner," said Phil 
 Mooney. 
 
 " Well, Alister, what you say may be all very 
 true, but you have been found in the very worst 
 company, that of a man who has been frequently 
 convicted, and is now charged with veiy serious 
 offences. I must just order you both to be sent 
 on to Dublin." 
 
 " Can a no be allooed tae write, or see onybody f 
 said Alister. 
 
 " Not in the meantune, nor until the matter is 
 fully investigated." 
 
 As it seemed to be the determiaation of Phil 
 Mooney to convict poor Alister, he was detained a 
 close prisoner until the depositions with regard to 
 the alleged landing of muskets and ball cartridges 
 in Lough Foyle could be got ready. The solicitor 
 for the Crown having more than enough on his 
 hands, it is probable that Alister would have 
 
LIBERA.TION AKD TRANSPORTATION. 365 
 
 been detained in prison for a considerable time, 
 had not the steward given information by which 
 M'Service was apprehended. In consequence 
 of this lucky cii'cumstance, the fiscal, immedi- 
 ately on the arrival of the steamer at Ochter- 
 tory, saw the captain, who, having corroborated 
 M'Service's statement, that he had carried the 
 men to Ireland, that gentleman at once liberated 
 M'Service and his clerk, and communicated with 
 the parties who had sent Alister on his mission. 
 They lost no time in procuring the release of the 
 imfortunate elder, who shortly afterwards found 
 himself once more in his own house, to the great 
 disgust, as it was commonly believed, of his 
 exemplary spouse, who really thought that Alister 
 had become food for the fishes. As for Timothy 
 Casey, he was tried, convicted, and sentenced to 
 transportation for fifteen years. 
 
CHAPTER XIX. 
 
 MATUTINAL EEFLEOTIONS OF A LAWYER AND A MINISTER UPON THE 
 THEORY OF CATCHING WEALTHY WIDOWS— WIDOW M'CREESH 
 — MESSRS. HORN AND POIND, 
 
 T ET US now follow tlie moveraents of Sneaker 
 -*^ and Poind. We left them in bed in the 
 manse, tormented with certain emotions which 
 usually accompany the iaordinate love of money. 
 There was no other love in then* case. Poind, 
 when he fairly woke up, began to think of the 
 possibility of finding the widow an easier conquest 
 than Miss M'Phillabeg. He calculated the attrac- 
 tions of the younger damsel by the proportion 
 which fifteen thousand pounds bear to one 
 hundred and fifty thousand and two thousand 
 pounds per annum. It is needless to say that the 
 sum was worked out to its legitimate result. 
 Sneaker had been industriously employed at the 
 same rale of arithmetic. 
 
 Miss M'Phillabeg was a little surprised when 
 they met in the morning to find a change come 
 over her admirer. It was so obvious that it 
 escaped the obseiTation of no one but Mrs, 
 
ABOUT FLIRTS. 367 
 
 M'Cortscrew, who, poor soul, troubled herself 
 very little about such matters. 
 
 Although a woman may be merely trifling with 
 the feelings of a man, she can seldom brook the 
 idea of his ceasing to feel her power. It touches 
 her vanity. Without even caring a jot about 
 him, she is loath to let him go. Like a cat 
 with a mouse, she will make sport of him as 
 long as she finds him sensible to pain; when 
 feeling appears to be gone, she will gently pat 
 and turn him over to see if she can restore 
 animation, with a view merely to enjoy his 
 further torture. 
 
 Miss Helen was imusvially frank and agreeable; 
 but Poind did not appear to be moved. A little 
 judicious coldness he thought would in any case 
 do no harm. 
 
 " I hope you slept well last night, Mr. Poind f 
 she said, with an interest he had never seen her 
 evince before. 
 
 " Oh ! pretty well, thank you ; I'm only a little 
 tired." 
 
 " I'm sure you didn't dance very much — you 
 might have done more in that way," she archly 
 replied. 
 
 " I shall have enough of it when I get back, no 
 doubt," he observed, carelessly. 
 
308 ABOUT FLIRTS. 
 
 When breakfast was overj Poind hm-riedly said, 
 " Time for us to go, Mr. Sneaker." 
 
 " Dear me ! Mr. Poind, you're in a great Lm-ry," 
 observed Miss M'Phillabeg. "It wants an bour 
 yet of the steamer's time for starting." 
 
 " Ab ! but I've something to do in the village," 
 he replied, in that cold business tone which a 
 lawyer can so well assume when he likes. 
 
 Miss M'Phillabeg was sui-prised, but she merely 
 said — 
 
 " When shall we have the pleasure of seeing 
 you again, Mr. Poind f 
 
 " I really can't tell just now — sometime before 
 the evidence requires to be led, I suppose." 
 
 " Well, good-bye, Miss M'Phillabeg." 
 
 " Good-bye, Mr. Poind." 
 
 "I don't know what's the matter with Mr. 
 Poind," observed Miss M'Corkscrew, after his 
 departure. 
 
 " Neither do I," said Sneaker. " Why, it was 
 only last night he asked me to request you to use 
 your influence with your fair cousin on his behalf 1 
 A sudden change has come over him." 
 
 "I saw you and him reading a letter very 
 earnestly on the sofa last night," observed Miss 
 M'Phillabeg. 
 
 " What was that V said Sneaker, reddening. 
 
ABOUT FLIETS. 369 
 
 "I saw you reading a letter with him last 
 night." 
 
 " Oh, yes," he replied, regaining his self- 
 possession, " it was about the case." 
 
 Miss M'Phillabeg didn't believe it. She saw 
 through both Sneaker and Poind, and was satisfied 
 that it must have been about something else. 
 
 In due course, the former took his leave, and 
 he and the estimable lawyer met on board the 
 steamer bound for Glasgow. Their conversation, 
 as may well be expected, very soon turned upon 
 the subjects which most deeply engrossed their 
 minds. 
 
 "Did you mention," said Poind, "my small 
 matter to Miss M'Corkscrewf 
 
 " I did." 
 
 "Well, what did she say?" 
 
 " Oh ! that she would tell her cousin." 
 
 " Did Miss M'Corkscrew hold out any hope f 
 
 "Of course she couldn't say imtil she had 
 spoken to her, and learned her sentiments." 
 
 "How did you get on yourself?" Sneaker con- 
 tinued, " I saw you making, what I took to be, 
 fierce love, at the other side of the room." 
 
 " Well, not so bad, I think. I asked permission 
 
 to write to her." 
 
 "Did she give it?" 
 
 2 a 
 
370 A TRIAL OF FENCS. 
 
 "No ; but she didn't refuse. She left it to my 
 OAvn discretion." 
 
 " I look upon that as a good sign," said Sneaker 
 (knowing very well that it was not), " I regard it 
 as a tacit consent." 
 
 "Do you think I should write to her?" 
 
 " Certainly, after having proposed to do it." 
 
 "Well, I think I shall." 
 
 "By the bye," said Poind abruptly, "about 
 that aunt of Miss M'Corkscrew's f 
 
 " What about that aunt of Miss M'Corkscrew's f 
 said Sneaker, fiercely, while his face got deadly 
 pale. 
 
 " Oh, nothing t" said Poind, turning red, " but 
 — ^but I was going to ask you whether you could 
 depend upon getting — " 
 
 "Getting what?" said Sneaker, evidently 
 alarmed. 
 
 " Why, getting her," said Poind, not knowing 
 exactly what to say, " to execute a deed conferring 
 an absolute right in favour of Miss M'Corkscrew 
 to the five thousand." 
 
 Their eyes aiet — instinctively they read each 
 others' thoughtSt From that moment they were 
 mortal enemiesi 
 
 Poind had fancied, from the manner in which 
 Sneaker tiad received the information with regard 
 
THE GOSPEL FEINTS, 371 
 
 to Miss M'Corkscrew's interest in her aunt's settle- 
 ment, and firom the reference to the latter beuig 
 comparatively young and good looking, and to her 
 having asked him to call again, and other par- 
 ticulars which he had mentioned, that he was 
 probably thiaking of making advances to the 
 wealthy widow — and he was right. 
 
 On the other hand. Sneaker, like one who 
 believes he has discovered a treasure, had become 
 nervous at the bare idea of a man like Poind 
 becoming aware of it. Guilty himself of dishon- 
 ourable intentions, he could not help fancying 
 that Poind, having extremely little chance of 
 succeeding with Miss M'Phillabeg, would turn his 
 thoughts in the direction of Crossmungo. It was 
 the policy, however, of both parties, not to evince, 
 by any overt act, the existence of such an idea. 
 
 It was now, then, to be a trial offence between 
 the Law and the Prophets; so Sneaker, aifecting 
 to be merely annoyed at the idea of asking such 
 a thing from the aunt as Poind had proposed, 
 said — 
 
 "How, in the name of goodness, Mr. Poind, 
 could I make such a proposition to a person I 
 know nothing about, as to alter her will V 
 
 "Well, perhaps not," said Poind, seeing hia 
 adversary's drift, " but you seemed so anxious 
 
372 THE WIDOW M'CREESH. 
 
 about it last night that I was going to suggest 
 to you when you stopped me that perhaps Miss 
 M'Corkscrew could get her to do it, or if I could 
 be of any use I would have no objections to call 
 upon her on the subject." 
 
 There was a good deal of art in this way of 
 putting it, for it had an air of frankness calculated 
 to throw a less wily man than Sneaker oif his 
 guard, but jealousy had struck its roots too deep, 
 so he hastily said — 
 
 " I couldn't think for a moment of siich a thing. 
 In fact, I have no intention of calling upon the 
 aunt again, ia case she should imagine that I had 
 some such object in view." 
 
 Here the matter dropped. The conversation 
 turned upon other siibjects, but it was so con- 
 strained that each of the interlocutors wished the 
 other a hundred miles oif. 
 
 At length the boat arrived at its destination, 
 and, shaking hands with extreme cordiality, they 
 parted bitter enemies, to meet again rather 
 unexpectedly. 
 
 Mrs. M'Creesh, the unwitting cause of this 
 rivalship, whom Poind had never seen, and 
 Sneaker had only spoken to once in his life, was 
 the relict of Mr. Hugh M'Creesh, soap and tallow 
 chandler. Old Wynd, Glasgow. He had been 
 
THE WIDOW M'CEEESH. 373 
 
 what is called a "canny, shrewd Scotchman," and 
 had accumulated a large fortune. He had risen 
 fi-om nothing. He was hard-working, close-fisted, 
 and frugal. He married early in life. Euphemia 
 Dougal was a servant lass m the house of Bailie 
 M'Candler, with whom M'Creesh was serving his 
 time, and Hugh had occasion to go frequently 
 backwards and forwards between the work and 
 the house in Paisley Road. Phemie, as he used 
 to call her, was stout, good-looking, accustomed 
 to hard work, and very active and tidy. She 
 had been for about four or five years with 
 the Bailie, a jolly bachelor, and had given so 
 much satisfaction that her master would not 
 willingly part with her Her good qualities did 
 not escape the observation of Hugh any more 
 than her good looks, so, having only six months 
 of his apprenticeship to serve, he one evening 
 took it into his head to dress in his best and direct 
 his steps to the Paisley Road. M'Creesh was one 
 of those men who, having once determined to do 
 a thing, did it He never allowed the pale cast 
 of thought" to turn the current of his intentions 
 awry, nor " enterprises of great pith and moment" 
 to " lose the name of action." So he soon foimd 
 himself at the door of Bailie M'Candler. Phemie 
 received him, ;as usual, with a laugh and a jest. 
 
374 THE WIDOW M'CREESH. 
 
 for she had some share of what the French call 
 esprit, a-"word for which we have no exact equiva- 
 lent. There had been a good deal of what is 
 called "daffin" and "touzling," and perhaps 
 kissing, going on previously, between the appren- 
 tice of the worthy soap-boiler, and his buxom 
 domestic ; but there was nothing to lead her to 
 suppose that he had any serious intentions, and 
 then, of course, he was only an apprentice, so 
 with the salutation of " Weel, hoo are ye aff for 
 soap the day V she asked him to sit down. 
 
 " Are ye gaun tae a ball or tae see yer sweet- 
 heart the nicht, that ye're dressed up sae braw f 
 she asked, with a roguish look. 
 
 " A'm come tae see ma sweetheart," replied the 
 bold Sir Hugh, embracing the not reluctant 
 Phemie, and impressing half-a-dozen smacks upon 
 her rosy lips. 
 
 "Dear me I haud aff, — ye hae touzled a' ma 
 hair. If the Bailie rings for mair het water for 
 his toddy a dinna ken what a'll dae." 
 
 " Ou, jist cry oot that the water is'na bilin'." 
 
 "A think ye're bilin' — ^ye hae scauded a' ma 
 niooth. It's as het's foe, an' a think it'll be a' 
 blistered the moi-n." 
 
 Hugh laughed. 
 
 " Noo, Phemie," said he, " there's nae uise gaun 
 
THE WIDOW M'CUEESH. 373 
 
 aboot the bush. Ma time 'ill be oot this day sax 
 months. AVe saved some siller, an' a mean tae 
 save as muckle mair's a can, an' if ye'll hae me, 
 we'll get mairied as sime aifter that's ye like." 
 
 Phemie looked down, but said nothiag. She 
 had been told by her mother that this was a 
 necessary preliminary before consent ; that it was 
 usual for a young woman to be pressed — as little 
 as possible, but still a little, to prevent her 
 husband from saying afterwards that she had 
 jumped at him " like a cock at a grosat." 
 
 « What d'ye say, Phemie f ' 
 
 No answer. 
 
 Phemie was looking intently at the point of her 
 slipper, which she was moving uneasily backwards 
 and forwards on the kitchen fender, while her 
 hands were crossed in front of her apron. 
 
 Hugh was too shrewd a fellow not to see how 
 the land lay, so he said — 
 
 "A'm thinking, Phemie, a'U hae tae mak' a 
 wheen mair blisters !" 
 
 " Oh I dinna dae that," said Phemie, in a tone 
 which Hugh construed into an invitation to do it. 
 Jumping up, he repeated his previous performance 
 so effectively, that Phemie, doubtless to save 
 herself from further punishment, ejaculated — 
 
 " Oh I yes," in a voice almost smothered with 
 
376 THE WIDOW M'CREBSH. 
 
 kisses, and received as a reward a smack which 
 might have been heard by the honest Bailie at 
 his toddy up stairs, had he not been busily engaged 
 in reading a report in the Daily Growler of a 
 meeting of Council, in which Bailie Steel, the 
 hardware merchant, had ironically said, amOng 
 other wicked things, that he, Baihe M'Candler, 
 was a great and shining light in the community 
 — in fact, worthy of the days of ancient Greece. 
 
 In due time Phemie Dougal became Mrs. 
 M'Creesh. Her kind-hearted master, in recogni- 
 tion of her faithful services, and also to help his 
 late apprentice, gave her a tocher of thirty pounds, 
 which sum, with their own savings, enabled them 
 to furnish a small house. After working for several 
 years as a journeyman, M'Creesh began business 
 on his own account, and, as we have seen, he 
 ultimately realized a very large fortune. He 
 died, leaving everything to his dear Phemie, 
 and it was duly recorded in the newspapers 
 of the day that "he was much and deeply 
 lamented." 
 
 When Poind arrived at the chambers in Candle- 
 riggs, he found a good deal of business to get 
 through. He did not see his partner for some 
 days, as he was from home. On his return, how- 
 ever, they had a long conversation on business 
 
BADINAGE. 377 
 
 matters, on the termination of which, Horn laugh- 
 ingly Baid — 
 
 " Oh ! I forgot to congratulate you upon your 
 conquest of an heiress in the parish of Veto, 
 Allow me to do so now," shaking the slightly 
 abashed Poind warmly by the hand. 
 
 "Eeally," said Poind, "I don't " 
 
 " Oh ! don't blush now," said his partner ; " I 
 know all about it. Miss M'Phillabeg is the lady. 
 She has fifteen thousand at her own disposal. 
 Why, man ahve, it's all over the city. Pve been 
 twitted about it in the Exchange. Almost every 
 member of our bar has desired me to convey to 
 you his felicitations. Willie Sneel said to me — 
 ' Well, Horn, Poind's a fortunate fellow ! Chm"ch 
 cases must be looking up ; I sometimes hardly got 
 my travelling expenses out of them, but I shall 
 recommend our young practitioners to keep an eye 
 upon them now.' " 
 
 Poor Poind looked rather confused — "It must 
 have been that confounded fellow, Sneaker," he 
 muttered to himself, " that spread this report to 
 damage me, believing that I was sure to be 
 unsuccessful, but I'll perhaps checkmate him." 
 
 Poind thought the best plan was to imbosom 
 himself at once to his partner. 
 
 Horn was what might be called a jolly lawyer, 
 
378 MR. BLOWYER HORN, WRITER. 
 
 slightly more so even than Garrempey— .that is, 
 he was more boisterous. The popular idea, 
 associated with the personnel of " a man of the 
 law" — ^we mean of course, the seniors of the 
 profession — used to be that of an attenuated and 
 truculent looking gentleman in black, with a 
 hooked nose, cold penetrating grey eyes, bushy 
 eyebrows, thin cheeks, and skin of a parchment 
 colour, tightly stretched over the facial bones — 
 pretty much as one would expect to find in a 
 creditably finished drum. He was supposed to 
 wear a frilled shirt, with a spot of the style which 
 marked the linen of our friend Garrempey. It 
 was a matter of course that he should wear a 
 white neckcloth, and a watch, with the usual 
 amount of quincaillerie dangling from the fob. 
 This type of lawyer is, however, now extinct, and 
 must be looked for in Kay's Portraits, or in some 
 similar work. Horn was certainly not of this 
 class. So far as dress was concerned, he might 
 have been taken for a well-to-do sheep farmer. 
 He had a decidedly rubicund face, a cheerftil ex- 
 pression of countenance, with twinkling grey eyes, 
 indicative of knowingness rather than cunning. 
 Moreover, he had what, accorduig to the Rev. 
 Mr. Mackintrowsers, the first Napoleon considered 
 to be a great advantage for a man to have, to 
 
ME. BLOWYER HORN, WRITER. 879 
 
 ■wit, plenty of nose — one, besides, which bore 
 indications that its proprietor ordinarily imbibed 
 something stronger than cold water. Yet, we 
 have seen similar noses upon the faces of indi- 
 viduals who were total abstainers all their lives I 
 To this guide, philosopher, and friend, then, 
 Poind unburdened his mind. What it was that 
 he unburdened will be made to appear in due 
 time. 
 
CHAPTER XX. 
 
 BOME TYPES OP LAWYEES — MODERN FACULTIES OF FEEEBOOTERS — 
 BLACK MAIL — A FEW WORDS WITH OUR OLD NOBILITY. 
 
 ^HE four types of lawyers already referred to 
 -*- exhaust pretty nearly the classification of 
 the most remarkable specimens of that useful and 
 much abused race in what may be called its lower 
 stratification. First, the gentleman who has 
 withdrawn himself fi:om the present century, and 
 who is now only to be found among Kay's Por- 
 traits. He may be called the chamber lawyer. 
 Second, the man of the Garrempey school, which 
 is a school nearly expiring. He may be called 
 the metropolitan court lawyer, Third, the type 
 of Horn, which, upon the whole, is improving. 
 Horn may be called the provincial court lawyer. 
 Fourth, the lowest type of all, that of Poind. He 
 is the leguleius ei circumscriptor of the Romans, the 
 avoud de has dtage of the French, the loinkeladvocat 
 of the German, and the well-known pettifogger 
 of our own more expressive English — ^more expres- 
 sive, in this word at least, which would seem to 
 have required a combination of the two latter 
 languages to form it. 
 
THE CHAMBEU LAWYER. 381 
 
 A modernized specimen o£ tile first type is the 
 chamber lawyer, -pur sang, who has a holy horror 
 of court practice and the face of a contradictor. 
 It is his delight to surroimd his room with an 
 imposing display of dark green or chrome-yellow 
 tin boxes, many of which are half filled with old 
 newspapers, covered, perhaps, with ancient drafts, 
 over which there is a tliin layer of titles, giving 
 the heaped np box the appearance of containing 
 a plethora of deeds gaping for air. Instruments 
 of sasine, precepts of Clare constat, and various 
 other precepts not included in the ten command- 
 ments, look out piteously upon you with evident 
 marks of having been most cruelly crushed, while 
 yards of red tape depend limply like flags of 
 distress from the wretched box, suffocated with 
 the supposed titles of White Choker, EsQumE, 
 OF MUFFTOWN, and firom various other unfortunate 
 boxes labelled, The Windybag Titles, The Sky 
 AND Ayr Atmospheric Direct Railway, The Sun 
 AND Moon Insurance Coy., the Cumberland and 
 Wastemoreland Mining Coy, The Clayslap and 
 Claptrap Brick and Tilework (Limited), et ccetera. 
 The callous individual who has done these deeds 
 will be found sitting in an old-fashioned arm chair, 
 with an air admirably expressive of having an 
 overwhelming amount of work to do, and the 
 
382 THE CHAMBER LAWYER, 
 
 quiet coiisciousness of power to get tlirougli with 
 it. His consulting table is overlaid with papers, 
 books, plans, books of reference, and other impedi- 
 menta, principally begged or borrowed from other 
 solicitors. It may be in purposed disarray, or in 
 the most finical order, according as the genius loci 
 has the idea strong upon him that the one or the 
 other arrangement will make the more favourable 
 impression upon those whom he covets as cUents. 
 He has, perhaps, nothing particular to do of a 
 morning or an afternoon, or, horrible to think of, 
 even for a day, but that is a phase of his profes- 
 sional existence which must on no accotmt be 
 cognizable by anybody but himself. So it is that 
 he is certain to have before him some musty fusty 
 old di-aft prepared by his grandfather, or by the 
 grandfather of somebody else, being perhaps the 
 Trust disposition and deed of settlement of the 
 deceased Inverfarigaig, and a bottle of red ink 
 with a pen stuck in it — generally a quill, for the 
 chamber lawyer is particular about pens. With 
 this pen, upon the least sound of approaching 
 footsteps, he makes alarming scores up and down 
 and across the hapless draft, cutting and slashing 
 with remorseless severity, and with an air of 
 the most concentrated wisdom, several highly 
 important clauses of the voluminous deed which 
 
THfi CHAMBER LAWYER. 383 
 
 had cost poor Inverfaiigaig many a sleepless 
 night, and not a few pounds, besides no little 
 thinking to the conveyancer -who had prepared it. 
 The morning paper, in which he is industriously 
 reading the report of the last meeting of the 
 Hobanoban Railway Company, lies conveniently 
 on the top of his waste paper basket, which is so 
 situated that it cannot be seen when you first 
 enter his room. On the faintest sound indicative 
 of the welcome approach of a client, he can, by a 
 deft stroke of his right hand, drive the helpless 
 journal in a twinkling inside of the basket, into 
 the peculiar shape which is known as that of a 
 " cocked hat," while, by the same rapid sweep, he 
 contrives to seize the aforesaid red ink pen, and to 
 resume his scoring, all with an ease and finish much 
 more remarkable than the loading and firing of the 
 sUndnadelgewehr, even when it is manipulated by 
 the most adroit of Prussian jdgers. The wary 
 draftsman may sometimes mdeed be caiight, but 
 very rarely, while in the highly tmprofessional 
 attitude of reading a newspaper during business 
 hoiu-s, in which case he feels quite as horrified 
 as VenuB no doubt would, if you happened to 
 surprise hel* in her bath. We only know of this 
 event having occurred once — ^not the bath 
 business — ^but then, it should be stated, that the 
 
38i THE CHAMBER LAWYER. 
 
 chamber lawyer was thoroughly absorbed in 
 reading the report of the aforesaid Hobanoban 
 meeting, and that his fit of super-abstraction was 
 caused by gloating over a nasty little bit of an 
 intrigue, by which he had succeeded in getting 
 himself named as one of the scrutineers of the 
 votes given at that meeting, with the view of 
 laying a foundation for more intimate and profit- 
 able relations with the affairs of that distressed 
 company. 
 
 Did you ever remark any occasion on which 
 you found the chamber lawyer dictating a letter 
 or a deed to his clerk ? If you knocked at hia 
 door, and listened for a few seconds, you would 
 hear that the soft and apparently fiiendly tone in 
 which he had been dictating was immediately, on 
 hearing your footstep or knock, changed into one 
 of coarse vehemence towards the quiet and 
 submissive looking young man who was acting 
 as his amanuensis ; and as you entered, and were 
 coming forward to his table, you probably heard 
 some nasty, snappish, and peremptory remark 
 addressed to the clerk, as he was leaving his 
 chair, all to show you that the man who made it 
 was the master, and that the other was his 
 drudge. Yet, after your departure, the chamber 
 lawyer, on the retiu-n of his assistant, will resume 
 
THE CHAMBER LAWYER. 385 
 
 his work in the same soft and friendly way as 
 before; for the clerk perhaps knows something 
 more than his employer, who does not want to 
 irritate him too far, although his miserable vanity 
 at times tempts him to raise his own importance 
 at the expense of the feelings of, it may be, a 
 much better man. 
 
 The chamber lawyer delights in going over 
 progresses of writs, in dealing with heavy bm-dens 
 over property, and in imposing and re-imposing 
 these bm-dens as often as possible, and, therefore, 
 however hard they may be to be borne — with 
 regard to which he cares nothing, as he never 
 bears them himself — ^it is his interest that they 
 should be borne by somebody. The imposition of 
 burdens is therefore said to be an operation which 
 the chamber lawyer has no objection to recom- 
 mend when there may be no great necessity for 
 it. A consequence of all this is that the chamber 
 lawyer has laid himself open to the charge of 
 having been specially referred to in St. Luke, 
 11th chapter and 46th verse, where it is said, 
 " Woe unto you also, ye lawyers ! for ye lade men 
 with burdens grievous to be borne, and ye your- 
 selves touch not the burdens with one of your 
 fingers." And again, in the 48th verse, " Truly 
 
 ye bear witness that ye allow the deeds of yoxir 
 2b 
 
388 THE METROPOLITAK COURT LAWYER. 
 
 fathers ; for they indeed killed them, and ye build 
 their sepulchres." 
 
 Turn we now to the race of Gabby, W.S., 
 S.S.C., C.S., or any other S., who assumes to be 
 the metropolitan court lawyer, so far as anybody 
 may be so who is not allowed to open his mouth 
 in court, except from a back seat in a whisper 
 to his counsel. Gabby generally executes this 
 movement with a face as portentously feai'ful as 
 if he were doiag a most heiaous and unlawful 
 act, Watching all the while with the tail of his eye 
 that Lord Daisy doesn't see him do it. He is in 
 mortal terror lest that erudite and irritable judge 
 should take it into his combative head, that he is 
 speaking in louder tones than the aforesaid whisper, 
 and this he is not unlikely to do, judging from the 
 violent contortions which Gabby is permitting his 
 mouth to undergo, in a spasmodic attempt to 
 speak low, and from the careful precautions which 
 he is taking, by curving his hand inwards from 
 the bridge ©f his nose to the heel of his chin, to 
 prevent the possibility of tlife sound of his voice 
 escaping anywhere except into the upturned lug 
 of Erskme Balfour Stair, Esq., M.A., Advocate. 
 From the bothered and somewhat agonised expres- 
 sion upon the countenance of that learned gentle- 
 man, he is evidently longing to be relieved from 
 
THE METROPOLITAN COURT LAWYER, 387 
 
 the devil's tattoo which is being played upon the 
 drum of his ear ; but, most likely, from the intol- 
 erable effluvium 6f Gabby's breath. How does it 
 come that people with this exceedinglyundesirable 
 odour will insist on always whispering close to 
 your ear ? 
 
 Gabby's chief accomplishment is supposed to 
 be a familiarity with what is called " Parliament 
 House practice," which, for the most part, consists 
 in knowing when you should " box" certain papers 
 with the proper clerk, or box the ears of the very 
 improper clerk who refuses to consent your doing 
 so when you have forgotten to do it. His princi- 
 pal concern is to place himself en rapport with that 
 indispensable but much despised individual, the 
 " country agent." To any law clerk who has 
 given out that he is leaving Auld Eeekie for the 
 provinces, Gabby is wonderfully bland and atten- 
 tive ; for he knows not the day nor the hour when 
 he may send him a " Jury Trial." An unpleasant 
 trait in Gabby's character, however, in the eyes 
 of the said coUrttty agents is, that hfe seems to 
 have acquired an ineradicable belief that Pt-ovi- 
 dence specially instituted pMvincial " writers" for 
 the purpose of being providers of business for 
 lawyets ill the inetropolis, and that the country 
 ageiit, failing his client, of the client failing, which 
 
3S8 THE METROPOLITAN COURT LAWYER. 
 
 often means the same thing, should be liable to 
 him, Gabby, for payment of his accomit to the 
 uttermost button of his trowsers, or to his utter- 
 most sporran, if he wears kilts, as it is now settled 
 law that " you can't take the breeks off a hieland- 
 man." Another unpleasant feature ia Gabby's 
 character, for his country correspondent we mean, 
 for it is a hugely facetious one for Gabby himself, 
 is, that he expects the country agent to do all the 
 work of getting up cases, drawing papers, taking 
 precognitions, et ccBtera, while he, backed by a 
 gentleman who is called the Auditor of the Court 
 of Session, and who was at one time a Gabby 
 himself, resolves that the country agent shall 
 be allowed notliing, or next to nothing, for 
 doing the work, but that all the pay shall 
 go to him — Gabby, — for carrying it home; 
 home being understood as the finishing shop in 
 Moray Place, or Herriot Row, or wherever it may 
 happen to be in the capital, where the work is 
 examined by a gentleman called Counsel, and, if 
 need be, polished up by hun, before being taken 
 to the market at the Parliament House. 
 
 Gabby, besides being greedy, and by no means 
 a lover of hard work, is said to have no mind or 
 will of liis own, except that of reminding you to 
 send him remittances; and although he has been 
 
THE METROPOLITAN COURT LAWYER. 389 
 
 brought up all his life about the great legal 
 engine, he won't dare to meddle with it himself, 
 even to the taking a belt oif the machinery, or so 
 much as making a motion, without counsel. He 
 is understood to feel mightily relieved when his 
 correspondent from the country comes to town, 
 to take off his shoulders the intolerable weight of 
 doiag something. The latter being an individual 
 of more robust will, and knowing more about the 
 operation of the said machine, or believiag that 
 he does, is ofttimes self-sufHcient enough to enter 
 in where the angel Gabby fears to tread; and 
 should he get one or two of his fingers nipped 
 off in consequence, which he sometimes does, he 
 contributes thereby very materially to the hilarity 
 of Gabby, without being aware of it. 
 
 Such is the race of Gabby; but there are 
 sundry signs and portents in the horizon which 
 have been interpreted by the soothsayers as 
 signifying that his monopolizing career will soon 
 have an end, and this is just as it should be. 
 When all solicitors ia Scotland are put upon a 
 footing of perfect equality, it will be better for 
 them, for their clients, and for the coimsel they 
 must employ. As it is, people rather bear the ills 
 they have in the inferior courts, than fly to others 
 that they know too well of in the Court of Session. 
 
300 THE PEOVINCIAL COURT LAWYEfl. 
 
 The race of Horn, being reared in tlie country, 
 is more robust in its constitution, but is not much 
 Btiperior as a whole to the race of Gabby, except, 
 perhaps, that it has a more varied training. It is 
 more self-reliant, and pretty often somewhat self- 
 sufficient. It is par excellence the provincial court 
 lawyer. The court lawyer's great ambition, how- 
 ever, is to ally himself, as soon as possible, with a 
 chamber lawyer of standing, and thus to hunt in 
 couples; and, to the credit of the chamber lawyer 
 be it said, he is not slow in perceiving that a 
 young man with an expert pair of legs and a glib 
 tongue may be of considerable use to him for what 
 is called outside work, and so it is that they vei-y 
 often do bark and bite in company. If the busi- 
 ness improve, the court lawyer takes the earliest 
 opportunity of suggesting to his senior that he feels 
 himself overworked. This crisis, however, rarely 
 arrives until his extraordinary love of hearing 
 himself talk has very much subsided, haviag 
 first succeeded m wearying others with it, 
 and finally himself, and he frequently begins 
 to wonder why he became a court lawyer 
 at all, when so many more guineas might 
 be made whUe he is doing nothing but Hstening 
 to the long and weary orations of other coiut 
 lawyers like himself, which he does under very 
 
THE PEOVINCIAL OOTJET LAWYER. 391 
 
 great compulsion, and with uniform disgust. He 
 begias insensibly to ponder over that forcible 
 verse in the Proverbs, "in all labour there is 
 profit, but the talk of the lips tendeth to penury." 
 Sohavingserious designs upon the eldest daughter 
 of his landlord, a substantial " portioner," or, it 
 may be, a "bien lairdie" iuTradeston^ — he, with 
 the consent and concurrence of his senior, sinks 
 gracefully into a second-hand easy-chair, pur- 
 chased at the last sale of furniture in M'Tearem's 
 auction rooms, and is hinc inde transformed into a 
 consulting lawyer. Henceforward, the hall of the 
 Sheriff Court rings with his voice no more, unless, 
 indeed, upon very special occasions, to which the 
 court lawyer who succeeds him is not supposed to 
 be equal. He never merges, however, into the 
 chamber lawyer proper; him, we mean, who 
 almost sinks into his goloshes at the very mention 
 of a court-house, and quakes as he passes the 
 doors thereof. 
 
 The modern provincial Scottish lawyer of the 
 low country is supposed to be qualified for 
 conducting court, or any other legal business, if 
 he can speak and read English, without mixing it 
 up with broad Scotch. If he hails from the 
 western capital, he generally struggles to acquire 
 a serviceable command of the former tongue, by 
 
392 THE PROVINCIAL COURT LAWYER. 
 
 attending some academy in the Gorbals, where 
 elocution is taxight in the evening, or somewhere 
 in the more aristocratic environs of Partick. He 
 must also know the principal rules of arithmetic, 
 and as much English grammar as to be able 
 to tell, after reasonable consideration, when a 
 nominative is lurking behind the verb to be, or 
 when it is playfully skipping before it, and to 
 understand as much Latin as will ensure that he 
 does not look upon locus paenitentice, as synony- 
 mous with the Perth Penitentiary, or the sentence, 
 " CcBsar transit Alpes summa diligentia" as signify- 
 ing that Julius crossed these mountains on the 
 top of a diligence, or by the Mont Cenis Railway 
 — when it is finished. If he be up to all this, and 
 he is generally supposed to be, if he has attended 
 a class in the University of Glasgow, at an houi* 
 in the morning fixed for the benefit of poor 
 humanity, he will do — ^with a smattering of what 
 is called "logic" by way of ballast, it being 
 always assumed that he is the possessor of as 
 much geography as will enable him to tell the 
 windings of the Dniepei', the precise com'se of the 
 Bug, the boundaries of Dalmarnock, and the 
 soui'ce of the Molendinar burn. 
 
 The great obstacle, however, in the way of the 
 Scottish solicitor is not an educational, but a 
 
FACULTIES OV FREEBOOTERS. 393 
 
 money one. It happens so, because certain bodies 
 in Edinburgh, Glasgow, Paisley, and Aberdeen 
 have obtained, either by Crown Charters, or Acts 
 of Parliament, or by both, a monopoly of practice 
 in these places ; that is to say, they can prevent 
 and do prevent everybody except themselves and 
 their own apprentices from earning their bread as 
 lawyers there, with the exception, as in Glasgow, 
 that they will allow you to do so upon payment 
 of an exorbitant sum by way of entry-money. 
 In England a solicitor once admitted in any city 
 or town, is entitled to practice over the whole 
 kingdom. It is not so, however, in Scotland, 
 where, although you have been admitted in one 
 county, you require to be examined and re-ex- 
 amined, and pay fees, and submit to the regula- 
 tions of the procurators of every other county in 
 the courts of which you may propose to practice. 
 For instance, in Glasgow a number of " writers" 
 obtained in 1796 a charter from King George III., 
 giving them the monopoly of practising in that 
 city. In 1833, ciuiously enough in the first Par- 
 liament under the first Reform Bill, they obtained 
 an Act supplementary to that charter, to the effect 
 of enabling them to admit parties who had not 
 served an apprenticeship with themselves, upon 
 payment of very heavy entrance-fees, amounting 
 
394 FACULTIES OP FREEBOOTERS. 
 
 to some hundreds of pomids, as they found that 
 their funds would be all the better of a tax upon 
 such persons as -would be willing to enter upon 
 any terms. The consequence was, that if you 
 were tlie son or son-in-law of a member, you would 
 be allowed to practise by paying the sum of £84. 
 If you were not, and had not served an appren- 
 ticeship with a Glasgow writer, you had to pay, say, 
 from £250 to £300, and £4 for every year you 
 were above twenty-five. It thus happens that, 
 supposing you to be a citizen of London, or indeed, 
 of any other city or town in the empire, and that 
 after sending your son to Eton, perhaps to Tours 
 in France, and to a Gymnasium in Germany, you 
 chose to make a Scottish solicitor of him — although 
 you never will be so insane as to do anything of 
 the sort — suppose, however, that, intending to do 
 it, and to prevent your son from aspirating his 
 h's, and saying "fellah," and "yaas," and to keep 
 him at the same time at a safe distance from the 
 region of broad Scotch, you chose to send him to 
 the capital of the Highlands — Inverness, where 
 he serves a regular apprenticeship to a solicitor, 
 and is afterwards admitted, and practises there. 
 Assuming that he finds that zone too limited for 
 his ambition, that he comes to Glasgow and applies 
 for admission to the Faculty of Procurators of that 
 
WITH THE FREEBOOTEES. 39E 
 
 city. We shall suppose him asked to meet -with 
 the committee of that august body, and that the 
 respectable chairman thereof, had not gone to 
 Oxford, and had not exchanged, as Jeffrey did 
 there, his broad Scotch for narrow English — the 
 following is as likely as not the dialogue which 
 would ensue between your whilom filiusfamilias 
 and the said chairman :— 
 
 "Ye're Mr, Algernon Sydney Howard, are ye?" 
 
 « Yes." 
 
 " Ye want tae get intae oor Faculty % " 
 
 " Yes." 
 
 " Whaur d'ye come frael " 
 
 "I come from Inverness; but I'm an English^ 
 man, born in London." 
 
 "An Englishman, are yel" — and the chairman 
 gives a dubious look to his confreres. 
 
 " What's yer age"?" 
 
 " Thu-ty." 
 
 " Were ye an apprentice under oor charter?" 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Is yer faither a member o' Faculty?' 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Was yer granfaither?" 
 
 "Not that I know of." 
 
 " Hem — Are ye mairried tae the dochter o' a 
 member?" 
 
39S WITH THE FREEBOOTERS. 
 
 "No." 
 
 " Then, what are ve at a'?" 
 
 "Why, I'm a member of the Faculty of Procura- 
 tors of Inverness, where I served a regular appren- 
 ticeship. I have studied law at the Universities 
 in Scotland, and have obtained first prizes in 
 Scots law and Conveyancing, and have read 
 Roman law on the Continent." 
 
 "Aweel, ye see, hed ye been the son o' a 
 member, or a granson, or a son-in-law, we wud 
 aloo ye tae practeese for the soom o' achty-four 
 puns sterling; but as ye're no that, ye'U hae tae 
 pey twa hundert an' fifty puns sterling; an' as 
 ye're five years aboon twenty-five, that'll be four 
 puns per annum additional — ^makin' in curmilo, the 
 soom o' twa hundert an' seventy puns guid ster- 
 ling money o' the realm." 
 
 " But maybe. Dean," says a venerable-looking 
 gentleman, who seems to take an interest in 
 Algernon, "the young man may mak' up his mind 
 tae mamy ane o' oor dochters." 
 
 " Aweel, aweel, but he maim dae't fii-st, ye ken. 
 It wadna dae tae admit him, an' lippen tae what 
 he micht dae ahint haun ! He's an Englisher, ye 
 see." 
 
 " But what's all the two hundred and seventy 
 pounds for!" asks Algernon, in his simplicity, not 
 
WITH THE FREEBOOTERS. 397 
 
 knowing about the Widow's Fund, and other 
 matters. 
 
 "Dear me I d'ye hear that?" says the chaii- 
 man, turning round with a look of amazement, 
 to his brethi-en. " D'ye no ken that it's for the 
 Widows' Fun', an' ither sik like chairges o' the 
 Facultyf 
 
 " But I've no widow. Sir, and don't intend to 
 have one." 
 
 " I dam-say no ; but that's naething ' tae huz. 
 If ye haenna ane, ye ocht tae hae; an' at ony rate, 
 yer fees '11 gang tae pey for the widows o' ithers." 
 
 "Deuced hard, certainly, although I daresay 
 it's good fun for the widows !" 
 
 " Hae ye the cash wi' jeV 
 
 "Non habeo pecuniam domineP 
 
 " Ye hae been a domine, hae ye ? What's that 
 tae dae wi' peyin' cash, a wud like tae kenf 
 
 " I said. Sir, that I hadn't the money." 
 
 "Nae siller! Gudesakel Did ye railly expec' 
 tae get in tae oor Faculty withoot siller f 
 
 "I paid all fees and rates to government 
 previous to being admitted at Inverness." 
 
 " A daursay, but that's no here. We're no sae 
 far North's that." 
 
 "You're a vast deal too much so for me 
 though!" observes Algernon, rather nettled. 
 
393 WITH THE FEEEBOOTBRS. 
 
 "Is there anything else you require besides 
 money?" 
 
 " Ou ay— Ye're no an M.A. o' oor University, 
 are yel" 
 
 "No; I was educated at Eton, at Tours in 
 France, and Heidelberg in Germany. I took no 
 degree. I'm not a believer in degrees." 
 
 "Awefel, ye'U hae tae attend the Laitin an' 
 Logic claisses in the University, an' ye'U hae tae 
 be exemened in English, an' Grammar, an' 
 Jography, an' Arithmeetic." 
 
 " But, my dear Sir, I have been examined in all 
 these things already! I've as much Greek, Latin, 
 French, German, English, Mathematics, Natural 
 and Moral Philosophy, and Logic, as -will enable 
 me to sit down and be examined now. I'll read 
 Homer with you, write a Latin thesis, talk with 
 you in French and German, or for that matter in 
 GaeUc, or broad Scotch if you like* I'll take up 
 the Logic of Messieurs de Port Royal, or of Arch- 
 bishop Whately, aiid show you that Mr. John 
 Stuart Mill on Sir Wilham Hamilton's philosophy 
 doesn't necessarily imply that the said John 
 Stuart Mill is up to it. I'll solve any pfoblein in 
 EucHd for you, and allow you to tak^ §itogoa*s, as 
 he was a GlasgblV- profefesol'." 
 
 " We wud raithef tak' a gill -wi' ye, young ftian. 
 
WITH THE FREEBOOTEES. 399 
 
 Ye're a verra clever cliiel, nae doot, but ye'd be 
 nane the waur o' attendin' the hutnainity claiss 
 an' the Logic in the mornin', for twa three 
 sessions. It'll be rale guid for yer health, an' it'll 
 agree verra weel wi' the professors/' 
 
 "And will keep me for two or three years from 
 being admitted to practice, even although I had 
 the cash to give you to-morrow !" 
 
 " Aweel, it'll hae that effeo', nae doot, but it'll 
 keep ye oot o' hairm's wey." 
 
 " Youmean that it will keep me out of practice?" 
 
 " Ye ken, ye dauma practeese withoot being 
 admittit." 
 
 " There's just one other thing, Sir, I beg to ask." 
 
 " Weel." 
 
 " Do you wear any particular dress?" 
 
 " Ou, jist a guid shuit o' black claes, ye ken, 
 an' a paramatta goon," 
 
 " I see. Well, I bought a black dress suit aild 
 a gown the other day in London. Will these do, 
 or is there any other shop in the High Street, 
 patronised by the Faculty, where I should haVe 
 gotthetol" 
 
 " Ou, a don't think sae j btit there'll be a meetin' 
 the mCrn, an' a'll see " 
 
 " It's no a bad idee that I A think oor charter 
 gies us pooer tae ack upon 't if we like." 
 
400 BLACK MAIL. 
 
 This state of matters then at once suggests 
 the important question — 
 
 Is Sandy to be permitted to cany on this 
 system of BLACK MAIL any longer? 
 
 It is a question which we specially address 
 to Mr. Gladstone, and also to Mr. Bright — the 
 declared enemy of all monopolies. 
 
 Time was when black mail was levied in 
 Scotland with impunity — when you couldn't 
 travel through the Highlands, at all events in 
 safety, without paying Rob Roy, or some other 
 robber, for a passport. In its day this was a 
 necessity, for you were not merely allowed to 
 pass through the defiles of Killiecrankie, or over 
 the Mam Ratagan, but Robert took care that you 
 were not maltreated ^ — ill-treated that is, for 
 nobody could insure you against the former 
 treatment. But if the bold outlaw had, in 
 addition to preying upon the pubUc himself, 
 imposed a payment of some two or three hundred 
 merks Scots upon every one who attempted to 
 practise the calling of " killing a shentlemans for 
 himsel'," he would be doing neither more nor less 
 than what the Glasgow Faculty, and other similar 
 Faculties in Scotland, are doing at the present 
 day, with this difference merely, that whereas 
 Rob Roy, without the leave of anybody, did 
 
BLACK MAIL. 401 
 
 that wliich was unlawful in itself, tliese bodies, 
 with the permission of somebody who hadn't 
 power to give it, are doing that, which, although 
 it may be lawful, becaiise it was permitted, 
 we maintain it was not lawful to permit. If 
 there is one principle of natural law or justice 
 more evident than another, we take it to be 
 this, that every man in a free coiintry ought 
 to possess the right to earn his bread in any 
 legitimate vocation, qualified merely by rules of 
 public policy as to his mode and manner of doing 
 it, and subject only to national burdens, such as 
 taxation, in carrying it on. That right may, 
 indeed, be said to be the measure of the duty 
 which is incumbent upon every member of the 
 community, of supporting himself and those who 
 ar^ legally dependent upon him. If this be true, 
 , J suppose it will not be denied that in this 
 country, at least, all governing power j)roceeds 
 from the people, and that the mere authority to 
 rule, which they have conferred, does not neces- 
 sarily involve a power on the part of the rulers to 
 deprive in whole or in part the nation, or any 
 portion of it, of the fundamental right to earn its 
 bread. But if King George III. in 1796 gave by 
 a charter to Sandy M'Teevish, Bauldy Rodger, 
 
 and Tonald Campbell, writers, conveyancers, and 
 2c 
 
402 BLACK MAIL, 
 
 notaries public in Glasgow, and to all and sundry, 
 their bairns and apprentices, tbe privilege of 
 exercising there the profession of the law, and of 
 receiving all the profits and emoluments thereof, 
 to the exclusion of everybody else; and if the 
 fii-st reformed ParKament of the British House of 
 Commons, upon 18th June, 1833, ratified that 
 charter by a private Act, then we have no hesita- 
 tion in saying that King George III., of happy 
 memory, if he did not do a great and grievous 
 wrong — a naughty act which no British sovereign 
 is sn-Y^OBedi, fictione juris, to be capable of doing — 
 did at least do that which he was not authorised 
 to do, and that the aforesaid Parliament was 
 guilty of a very wrong and improper act in con- 
 veying away rights which did not belong to it, 
 and which it had no authority to alienate. By 
 doing so, it was not only cii-cumscribing the 
 natural area of national labour, but, pro tanto, it 
 was absolving the nation fi-om its duty to work, 
 and from its obligation to contribute to the com- 
 mon fund of taxation. It can siu-ely never be 
 contended, that if you convey away to others the 
 right to work in a particular place, and exclude 
 me, imless I am able to purchase the right to do 
 it, and I am not able to make that purchase, and 
 am not fit to earn my bread in any other way in 
 
BLACK MAIL. 40S 
 
 another place, — you can expect me to perform the 
 duty of labour, and to pay taxes upon means 
 which I might have been able to earn, but cannot, 
 because you have alienated to others the subject 
 out of which alone I could have produced them. 
 No rule of law, and no logic founded upon the 
 vaere prmsumptio juris that the acts of the Parlia- 
 ment are the acts of the people through their 
 representatives, can ever support the validity 
 of such grants as these ; for, by sending a 
 man to represent me in a general Assembly, 
 I never can be presumed to have given him 
 power to assign away my natural rights to any 
 one or every one who may sneak in by a 
 back door with a private bill requestiag a part of 
 my property, to wit, my right to labour, qualified 
 only by rules of pubHc policy, and subject only to 
 national burdens. It never could be justified by 
 public policy, and the fees charged by the various 
 Faculties in Scotland are private profits, and not 
 national burdens, which have to be paid by the 
 unfortunate solicitor over and above the detest- 
 able Black Mail so unlawfully and recklessly per- 
 mitted to be imposed upon him. 
 
 It is lamentable to think, not merely that this 
 system is still in full vigour in Scotland, but that, 
 with all our boasting about free trade, it was only 
 
404 BLACK MAIL. 
 
 in 1847, by the Act 9 and 10 Vict., cap. 17, that 
 even the working classes of these reahns were 
 freed from the oppressive and obnoxious exactions 
 of guilds and crafts, the abolition of which cor- 
 porations in France had rendered labour in that 
 country free so far back as 1791. It is thus true 
 that little more than twenty years ago the deacon 
 and brethren of the shoemakers and similar incor- 
 porations in Glasgow and other places, could 
 prevent a man who had served his apprenticeship 
 in some other town in Scotland from working for 
 himself in that city, or elsewhere, unless where 
 he had made himself free of the craft — by allowing 
 them to make free with perhaps all his hard- 
 earned savings ! It was somewhat different in 
 England, where the right to work as a journey- 
 man over the whole kingdom waS acquired by a 
 seven years' apprenticeship. It was bad enough, 
 however, at the best, and it is bad enough that 
 in the year 1869 there should be a rag left of any 
 such monstroiis system. 
 
 The solicitors of Scotland, who number some- 
 where about fifteen hundred, have done a good 
 deal for Mr. Gladstone and Mr. Bright. The 
 great majority of them fought determinedly and 
 well for them in the thickest of the late Parlia- 
 mentary battle, and it is in a great measure owing 
 
THE PETTirOGGEK. 405 
 
 to theii- perseverance and skill that the Liberal 
 cause has triumphed as it has done in Scotland. 
 It is for these gentlemen and their supporters now 
 to mark their sense of this devotion by doing 
 them justice, by seeing that they are placed upon 
 the same footing as their brethren in England — 
 that is, upon a footing of perfect equality. And 
 if the first Parliament under the first Reform Bill 
 did them a plain and manifest injustice, let it be 
 one of the merits of the first Parliament after the 
 second Reform Bill that it wiped away that 
 injustice, as well as every other professional 
 monopoly. 
 
 We have now only time to notice the fourth 
 and last, and lowest type of lawyer, to wit, that 
 of Poind — the pettifogger — the black sheep of 
 every profession. Upon him we certainly do 
 not love to dwell. He is the loathsome beetle 
 which crawls fi-om under the leaves of the flower 
 you were just in the act of going to smell; the 
 slug that has lodged in the delicious fi-uit you 
 were almost on the point of putting into your 
 mouth — a creature all the more noticed and all 
 the more, disgusting firom the beauty of the object 
 his presence defiles, and which, but for him alone, 
 you would have called perfection. 
 
 But have we, then, nothing to show except 
 
406 VIE. 
 
 sucli types of a profession which makes so many 
 claims upon our admiration and respect 1 
 
 Yea, much. We know many provincial lawyers 
 who would do honour to any bar — men who do 
 not love literature the less because they are 
 obliged to cultivate law the more; who do not 
 think that Jeffrey was an inferior lawyer because 
 he was perhaps a greater critic, and who would 
 not have scrupled to employ Talfourd before he 
 had acquired legal renown, even had they known 
 that he had written a tragedy — although he 
 wisely deHghted the attorneys with liis law before 
 he tried to win them with his verse. These are 
 men who respect themselves in loving their pro- 
 fession, who would scorn to go down to the 
 Exchange at that hour when merchants most do 
 congregate, to throw themselves in the way of 
 some vulgar nabob desirable as a client; or to 
 worm themselves into the difficulties of a railway, 
 or the distresses of a trust. Men who won't cast 
 about to see into what congregation of worship- 
 ping Christians they will switch the professional 
 line ; or, if they do take an interest in the affau-s 
 of any particular chm-ch, who -will do it so as to 
 be at the same time useful, and, if possible, unseen 
 — ^who won't undergo the ordeal of standing in a 
 cold doorway to receive and guard the oblations 
 
COMPARATIVE ANATOMY. 407 
 
 of ostentatious piety, in order the better to bait a 
 hook with the worm hypocrisy, to secure a nibble 
 and nip when the gudgeons bite. Men who may 
 almost be said to be free from the thousand and 
 one littlenesses which the heart of man is not too 
 small to contain. Men, besides, who will believe 
 that you may be a reasonably good lawyer, 
 although you may not have written a dull com- 
 mentary ; and that, even were you to write a 
 novel, you might be fairly ballasted with practical 
 sagacity, although you never can hope to be so 
 wise as some people look; who will not deem you 
 frivolous, because you may choose to be sometimes 
 sketchy or Hght, knowing that although the 
 elephant can pick up sixpences, ' he can also, 
 when necessary, uproot a tree. 
 
 It has long been the fashion with some people 
 to affect to look upon lawyers as individuals 
 whose names are synonymous with trick and dis- 
 honesty. Now, keeping clear, as we hope every- 
 body will, of the pettifogger and the quack, who 
 form the hem of the garment of every profession 
 in every country, which will necessarily bespatter 
 part of the robe itself with the du-t in which it 
 loves to draggle, we do most emphatically say, 
 that the charge made against the profession of 
 the law is neither more nor less than a calumny. 
 
408 FOREIGN AND COLONIAL LAWYERS. 
 
 Fcr your modern Scribes and Pharisees at least, 
 you must now go to the walks of life frequented 
 by gentlemen of the Strahan, Paul, and Bates' 
 school, and to other walks which we do not re- 
 quh-e to indicate here.' We have not the shghtest 
 hesitation in saying, that there is as much honour 
 and probity, as much generosity and disinterested- 
 ness in the profession of the law — ^whether it is 
 practised in the capital or in the provinces — as in 
 any profession or walk of Hfe under the sun, not 
 excepting, but,, on the contrary, specially includ- 
 ing, that of the gospel itself; and this statement 
 we make, not from an experience limited to the 
 lawyers of these kingdoms, but from personal 
 observation extending even to the Antipodes, 
 and from a study of character ranging fi-om a 
 diagnosis of the astute Tom Tit, Esq., Dean of 
 the Faculty of Procm-ators of the important burgh 
 of Pukeshaws, to Mons. Le Code of Toulouse, and 
 Herr Gesetzbuch of Berlin, ay, even to the emi- 
 nent Ta Ka Pekel Ti and Sambo of the bar of 
 Wanganui in New Zealand. It will be difficult 
 perhaps to believe that the last two individuals 
 could, with perfect propriety, be called gentlemen, 
 and that they possessed an amount of general 
 learning and legal knowledge which would have 
 done credit to any member of any bar at home. 
 
FOREIGN AND COLONIAL LAWYERS. 409 
 
 To be sui'e, they were not particular about things 
 ■which we consider to be the proprieties of profes- 
 sional life here — that is to say, they wore beards 
 and moustaches composed of hau* or wool, as the 
 case might be, and had an unprofessional habit of 
 smoking black pipes before the door of the 
 Supreme Com-t at Dunedin, dressed in wig and 
 gown, in which they promenaded with stock- 
 keepers, diggers, store-keepers, and others, in the 
 open air, without having the least air of appear- 
 ing to consider themselves superior mortal beings 
 — ^but then the waves of the blue Pacific were 
 rolling almost up to their feet, and although 
 there was a stream called the Water of Leith 
 running into it, the said stream did not look at 
 all like the water of that name at home, nor did 
 it remind you of the provincial conceit and snob- 
 bism which is said to dwell upon its banks. 
 Sambo had been a pleader at the bar of one of 
 our West Indian dependencies, formerly belong- 
 ing to the Dutch, and although he was a very 
 hard smoker, and drank mighty draughts of 
 bitter beer at the bars of various hotels, rejoicing 
 in the names of "Criterion" and "Provincial," 
 with individuals whom Mr. Erskine Balfour Stair, 
 of the Scottish bar, or perhaps in a lesser degree, 
 his brother, Mr, Edward Coke Lyttleton, of the 
 
410 FOREIGN AND COLONIAL LAWYERS. 
 
 Temple, would hesitate to associate with in tother 
 Britain, he was not the less master of his Corpus 
 Juris Civilis, and would have been a very formid- 
 able competitor for the chair of Civil Law in the 
 University of Edinburgh, except for his black face 
 and woolly hair. Nor was the said Ta Ka Pekel 
 Ti less an earnest student of Scottish feudal law 
 because he likewise smoked strong tobacco, and 
 drank Colonial beer; for he thought it was a 
 system — that is the feudal one — ^which would suit 
 very well for a Maori kingdom, and therefore was 
 it that he was curious to peruse and did peruse 
 Craig's Jus Feudale tribus lihris comprehensum, which 
 we believe he got from an eminent official of the 
 province of Otago, who, before leaving his native 
 country — Scotland — ^had written a well-known 
 book, which may be recognised under the title of 
 " The Young Sheriff-substitute's and Procurator's 
 Vade Mecum to the Sheriff Courts." Melancholy 
 to relate, the eminent author dropped down sud- 
 denly, and died of apoplexy, supposed to have 
 been brought on by reading in the Scotsman that 
 a certain learned Doctor of Laws at home had 
 absorbed that book, stump and rump, thereby 
 proving that every a>3gw«ros (pdyoi is not necessarily 
 a New Zealander. Nor was the said Ta Ka Pekel 
 Ti less anxious, by various troublesome questions 
 
FOREIGN AND COLONIAL LAWYERS. 411 
 
 put to ourselves, to ascertain the precise state of 
 modern subinfeudation ia Scotland, which he was 
 endeavouring to understand from the lectures of 
 the late Professor Menzies, which he also had 
 among his books in his cottage in the scrub, and 
 which questions we were fortunately able to 
 answer, from having discharged the honourable 
 and difficult task of assisting that learned profes- 
 sor in getting up the said lectures. We failed, 
 however, to satisfy the New Zealander, or rather, 
 we didn't wish to do so, with regard to the precise 
 reason why our old nobility parted with the right 
 oifurca et fossa, which, in his eyes, was one which 
 every aristocracy ought to possess. We found it 
 convenient to say that the old nobiHty, for various 
 good causes and considerations, moving them 
 thereto, not requiring us to refer to nasty rebel- 
 lions or heritable jurisdiction acts (dangerous 
 things to talk about in New Zealand), were 
 constrained to make over these rights, in the 
 interests of the Crown, to a certain impor- 
 tant executive official called the Earl of Cal- 
 craft. Should any descendant of the worthy 
 Ta Ka Pekel Ti, on his annual hoHday excur- 
 sion to the lesser Britain, after he has com- 
 pleted his sketch of the ruins of St. Paul's, and of 
 the last arch of London bridge, venture farther 
 
412 FOREIGN AND COLONIAL LAWYERS. 
 
 north, and find these pages in exploring the 
 tumps which may mark the site of some "auld 
 Kirk," we hope he will forgive us for having been 
 so squeamish about the honour of our ai-istocracy 
 — a feeling which he will be doubtless quite at a 
 loss to understand. Long before then, if we can 
 trust to prophets as sagacious as Macaulay, the 
 old nobility will have become a thing of the past, 
 after having succeeded in alienatuig itself from 
 the affections of the people, and having duly 
 earned the reward of popular contempt, by its 
 unblushing patronage of the indecent twistings 
 and turnings of fat and fluffy trulls from the 
 Opdra Comique, by its admiration of La Belle 
 H^lene, La Perichx^ ■- and La Grande Duchesse de 
 G^rolstein — ^its love OvT%-owdyism in the streets — 
 blackguardism in the casinos — scandal in the 
 saloons of Eachel, and trickery on the tmrf, and, 
 silliest and most fatal trick of all, by allowing 
 itself to be slily towed into Kome, after having 
 made shipwreck of its honour, its virtue, and its 
 religion, fastened to a priestly cable, one end 
 being held by a leery friar, and the other being 
 attached to a somewhat long and hopelessly 
 stupid snoat. 
 
 And now, before returning to the further outs 
 and ins of the Veto case, and moved by a wailing 
 
o 
 
 t- 
 < 
 
 I 
 
A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 413 
 
 cry of distress which we hear even afar off from 
 thy crowded lanes and streets, 0, mighty London I 
 let ns address a few words of warning and 
 entreaty to you, the great aristocracy of England ; 
 and, in saying England, let us be understood as 
 meaning Scotland and Ii-eland as well. It is con- 
 venient to use it so, but, to satisfy our conscience, 
 we do it under protest. We would have preferred 
 that the words of warning came from a monitor 
 with more chance of being heard, and, when heard, 
 more likely to be listened to than ourselves. We 
 daresay there are not a few who would feel it to 
 be a duty to tell you the truth as they themselves 
 perceive it; but, on the other hand, there are 
 many who are too much disposed to mix that truth 
 with flattery. Honied words and honied medi- 
 cine may be good for children — they are not good 
 for men. Some people are afraid to tell things as 
 they really are — we are not afraid. We happen 
 to belong to a race — 
 
 Of caterans and robbers, did you say ? 
 
 Thank you. We admit it. They were caterans 
 and robbers. Many of your ancestors, it is said, 
 were robbers too. But what have the sons of 
 these caterans done for you, the nobility of 
 England? They saved your honour and the 
 fame of the British name at Fontenoy, and 
 
414 A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 plucked a latirel firom the brow of Saxe. For 
 you they stormed the heights of Abraham, and 
 quenched in blood the pride of Montcalm, and to 
 you and to the rest of Em'ope they first taught 
 that the Invincibles of Menou were not invincible 
 at Alexandria. With one foot on the beach, and 
 the other almost in the sea, they drove back the 
 legions of Sotilt from the ridges of Corunna, and 
 cheered the dying Moore, as they bore hiTn in 
 their plaids from the bloody strife, with the hope 
 that, in saving his ragged and starving soldiers 
 he had preserved the honom* and glory of England. 
 They stopped at Quatre Bras the headlong rush 
 of Ney, and were among those who conquered his 
 master at Waterloo, and what they did then they 
 are able, though not perhaps so willing now, to 
 do again ; for the heights of Alma, the " thin red 
 line" of Balaclava, and the march on Lucknow, 
 prove that the men of Campbell are still the men 
 
 " Of Wolf and Abercromby, 
 And Moore, and Wellington." 
 
 We say then, that we are of a race who fear not 
 man, but God. We have nothing to fear, and 
 but Httle to hope from man, and we — ^we have 
 seen him in all his degrees and phases, from kings 
 and nobles to the murderer in his cell — on the 
 
A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 415 
 
 scaffold, or chained as a convict at the back of 
 the south wind — ^if it has a back. We have seen 
 him carried dead or wounded from the field of 
 battle, or buried in the depths of the ocean. We 
 have seen sons of the nobility of England, and of 
 the nobility of France, and of other nobilities, 
 priests, barristers, doctors, soldiers, sailors, states- 
 men, men of all countries, colours, and creeds, all 
 jumbled together, striving more or less to earn 
 their bread, as Adam did, by the sweat of their 
 brow. We have been in the houses of the rich 
 and in the vngwam of the savage ; but while we 
 have httle to hope fr*om man, we have a great 
 deal to hope for him; and it is because we have 
 that hope, and because we beheve that it is the 
 chief duty of man here to leave, if he can, this 
 world wiser and better than he found it, and so 
 to be really a fellow-worker with his Creator ; it 
 is because we believe this, that we venture to 
 address a few words of warning, and some words 
 of entreaty, to you the old nobUity of England. 
 It is not necessary, before you take advantage of 
 the storm signal, that you should be particular as 
 to who it was who hoisted the drum. 
 
 We ask you then, this question — - 
 
 " Is it, or is it not true, that in England, the 
 rich are getting richer and richer, more selfish and 
 
416 A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 more dissolute, while the poor are getting poorer 
 and poorer?" We don't want you to answer that 
 question now. We will give you time to do it. 
 It requires time, and we hope you will give it 
 consideration; but you may at least answer it 
 thus far, by admitting that poverty, pauperism, 
 and crime, are fearfully on the increase in the land 
 of your forefathers. 
 
 Now, you may not unnaturally say, " Why do 
 you appeal to us 1 We are rich and powerful, no 
 doubt, but the mercantile and trading classes are 
 many of them richer than we." 
 
 We answer, that we are not appealing to you 
 merely for alms. We have appealed to you, as 
 much as anything else, on your own account. 
 We don't wish to see our aristocracy destroyed. 
 We are of those who tlunk that it is good for 
 England to have an aristocracy. The mercantile 
 classes, though rich, are like the poor in this, that 
 they are always with us. An aristocracy may be 
 destroyed, but it cannot be created in a day, at 
 least such an aristocracy as we used to believe we 
 had in England. It is good for England to have 
 an aristocracy — a chivalrous, a virtuous, a home- 
 loving, and home-abiding aristocracy — just as it 
 is good for her to have a national Church — a 
 church following and enjoining the simple religion 
 
A PEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 417 
 
 of the Bible — and as it will be good for her, and 
 well for you, if she have a Protestant Church, and 
 not a Ritualistic or a Romish Church; but it 
 would be better far for England to have no aris- 
 tocracy and no national Church, than to have them 
 corrupt, degraded, and ahenated from the people. 
 How then, stands the case with you? It is 
 said that you obtained your vast possessions, or a 
 great part of them, by rapine and fraud, and that 
 you are holding them in trust, for the gratification 
 of selfish, sensual, and private ends, instead of for 
 your own and the nation's welfare ; that you have 
 weaned the people from you, and wish to regard 
 them as the Roman Senators did the Plebs ; that 
 you are destroying their morahty by the premium 
 which your vitiated tastes hold out to indecency 
 and sensationalism on the stage, and to mummery 
 and superstition in the church. It is said that 
 while men are starving in East London and 
 elsewhere in England, you are rolling about and 
 lolling in carriages, emblazoned with armorial 
 bearings, showing that some of you came here 
 with the Conqueror, and that you are proud of 
 that, and of your right to bear arms, proving that 
 your ancestors succeeded very well in trimming 
 the beard or polishing the boots of the great 
 
 Bastard and his successors, or in cutting the 
 2 D 
 
418 A PEW WOKDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 throats of unfortunate Saxons, who were unreason- 
 able enough to think that you could have done 
 this trimming and brushing well enough in 
 Normandy. 
 
 Well, what we would say to all that is this — 
 that so far as origin is concerned, you are neither 
 better nor worse than the aristocracies of other 
 countries, and that, should men again return to a 
 primitive state, the same process would begin 
 again. The old rule would immediately be put 
 into practice, quod nullius est Jit occupantis. It 
 would, however, happen jiist as it happened 
 before, that the strongest and most crafty — a 
 preference beiag generally secured by the latter 
 — would seize not only what was not occupied by 
 anybody else, but all the occupied territory he 
 could get hold of by conquest or chicane, and 
 divide it among himself and his followers. Your 
 ancestors — and our ancestors, although the latter 
 didn't happen to be allowed to keep all that they 
 possessed before Harlaw, or before they con- 
 tracted the evil habit of burning churches, or we 
 mightn't perhaps now be writing these lines — ^we 
 say, your ancestors invested all the available 
 means they had to invest, to wit, strong, brawny 
 arms, and, perhaps, more than ordinary resolute 
 mils and active brains, in the way most likely to 
 
A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 419 
 
 yield them a good return; and on the battle-field 
 or in the court they were rewarded by grants of 
 land, and other grants and honoui'S, for a life of 
 danger, toil, and oftentimes of disease. Some 
 were rewarded for victories won in the field of 
 intellect, and some for meanness and complais^ 
 ance not necessary to be mentioned. It was a 
 fair enough investment of capital, and, perhaps, 
 the only one that woidd have paid at the time. 
 We do not dispute the return you received for it, 
 and at this present time we do not know that 
 anybody professes to question it, although there 
 are certain people who do di-aw unfavomrable 
 inferences fi:om that verse of the Proverbs which 
 says — " An inheritance may be gotten hastily at 
 the beginning, but the end thereof shall not be 
 blessed." On the other hand, some ingenious 
 logician might say, and perhaps Mr. Disraeli may 
 yet have to say it, that even granting the ugly 
 premises taken up by your opponents, you possess 
 your rights upon as good a title as the merchant 
 has to the wealth which he has acquii'ed in com- 
 merce of a different kind; and, indeed, if the 
 secrets of the counting-house parlour, of the 
 private letter-books,' and private ledgers of the 
 great merchants of the world, and their motives 
 and acts, could be laid as bare ae the deeds of 
 
420 A FEW WORDS WITH OUK NOBILITY, 
 
 your ancestors, we don't say what legitimate 
 inferences might be made from such evidence as 
 that. 
 
 But all this is over and away from the point 
 which we have to consider now. There are some 
 rights which are imprescriptible, but there is such 
 a doctrine as prescription, for which, having been 
 brought up at the feet of Gamahel, we have, upon 
 the whole, a wholesome respect, although we 
 don't carry it to the extent to which some people 
 urge it ; but to this, at least, it would seem to 
 be sufficient for you, that it validates titles, many 
 of which, although not such as we think the best 
 that might have been got when they were obtained, 
 were certainly as good as most of those which 
 were then considered to be so, and which, more- 
 over, have had their irregularities sopited by time, 
 if they were not all consecrated by morality. 
 
 But while thus recognising your rights of pro- 
 perty, your status, and your honours, the further, 
 and far more important question remains — "What 
 use are you making of them now ? 
 
 This question may perhaps be considered an 
 impertinence. We don't think it is. At least it 
 is not intended to be so. We are of those who 
 hold that as you obtained privileges at the expense 
 of the nation, the nation has the right to see that 
 
A PEW WORDS WITH OUK NOBILITY. 421 
 
 you make a proper use of them. Your remote 
 ancestors and some of their descendants may 
 have continued their claims to possession of their 
 rights by the sword — it maybe by the pen, although 
 the sword was the holding upon which they were 
 given, and by which they were to be retained ; 
 but it never was intended merely to endow a race 
 of drones — of simple annuitants in perpetuity — to 
 erect a class distinct from, and having no sympa- 
 thies or feelings in common with the mass of the 
 people; yet a class Uving on the property, and 
 battening on the resources of the nation. 
 
 The class having been created, certain duties 
 and responsibilities were created along with it. 
 
 Are you fulfilling these duties now ? People 
 ask whether it is enough in the present day, when 
 all other classes of this great empire are obliged 
 to strive with might and main to live, that you 
 should merely live for yourselves — in ease, in 
 idleness, in a round of giddy pleasures, in an eddy 
 of fashionable dissipation — regardless of the 
 wretchedness, the poverty, and crime which are 
 Avelling up before and around you. They refuse 
 to admit that you discharge your duty when you 
 toddle down to the House of Lords, mumble there 
 for an hour, and adjourn. Can you help the people 
 asking themselves whether it is right that sheep, 
 
422 A PEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 deer, horses, dogs, partridges, pheasants, and 
 grouse, gamekeepers, flunkeys, and footmen, should 
 •be laid up in ordinary, or, as some people say, in 
 lavender, while hundreds of men are starving on 
 pallets — ^pallets not always even of straw ? Can 
 you help them making reflections upon you for 
 spending youi' money, and losing youi* reputation 
 and fame on Schneiders — at the gaming tables of 
 Baden or Homburg — fighting with cockers de place 
 on the streets, or cheating on the race coiu'se 1 
 Or, when you get sickened and emasculated by 
 these things, will it be unreasonable for the peo- 
 ple to refase to believe that you have fulfilled 
 yoiu: duties to yoiu- fellow-men, or that you are 
 making your peace with God by patronising 
 candles and vestments, and being led away over 
 to Rome ? 
 
 You believe that there was a flood before the 
 death of Noah! Have you forgotten that there 
 was also a deluge after Mii-abeau? The polished 
 Marquis Scaramouche and La Belle Marquise 
 Sacristine did, each of them in their way, all 
 those pretty little things then. They, too, began 
 to outgrow their civilization. They also delighted 
 in the- Schneiders,, and in the nude ballet gii-ls 
 and muscular dancers of those days; and they 
 read and appreciated, we have no doubt, books 
 
A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY, 423 
 
 similar to those which you seem to enjoy now — 
 such as that worse than concentration of the 
 indecencies of Boccaccio, Les Contes de la Fontaine 
 — Les Aventures du Chevalier de Faublas, Les 
 Mdmoires de Jacques Casanova de Seingalt, and Les 
 Liaisons Dangereuses; and they had nice Httle 
 chapels to worship in, and dapper little Abbes to 
 flu-t with, and why little Jesuits to confess to, 
 and to show them the way, when it was ripe for 
 it, to a nunnery or a convent. But there were 
 nasty lettres de cachet and seignorial rights, you 
 say, which weighed heavily on the people of 
 France in those days. We know all that, and 
 the less you say about some of these things the 
 better; but what we would ask you about now is 
 this, what good came of all the little elegances of 
 which we have been speaking, of all the selfish- 
 ness, of all the gaiety, of all that dissoluteness 
 and devoutness, for they seem to go pretty often 
 together? Did they stop the deluge or did 
 they hasten it? We don't ask you to answer 
 these questions at present; but at least think of 
 them. 
 
 We have enjoyed a reign of unexampled peace 
 and prosperity under Queen Victoria, surnamed 
 The Good, and whom may God long preserve 
 to reign over us ; but in the nature of things that 
 
424 A PEW WOEDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 reign can only last for a limited time. We do 
 not know that we have any reason to suppose 
 that that of her successor, whoever he or she may 
 be, will be as happy, as virtuous, and as great. 
 We don't say that it will not, but it is at least 
 unusual in the life of nations to be blessed with 
 so great a boon, and the time may not be f&r off 
 when it may be well for the monarchy of England 
 to be supported by a good, a patriotic, and a 
 virtuous aristocracy. Should that time be to- 
 morrow, are you prepared for it? Or are you 
 making any preparations? 
 
 You are not, perhaps, aware of the extent to 
 which what are called republican ideas are react- 
 ing upon these islands from America, Australia and 
 New Zealand. If not, you might do worsfe than 
 take a trip to America, and visit our Colonies. The 
 expense would be less and the pleasure more than 
 in visiting the salons of Paris or the spielhaus of 
 Baden. But whether you will go to America or 
 to Australia and New Zealand, or not, or whether 
 you will choose rather to go to the Continent, 
 and to put on the cast-off papal rags of the 
 Italians, Austrians, and Spaniards, be assured at 
 least of this, that there is a current flowing from 
 America and our Colonies as steady, ay, and as 
 warm even as the Gulf Stream its6lf, and that it 
 
A PEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 425 
 
 is washing away the foundations upon which you 
 have chosen to build your house. 
 
 You don't see it, nor do you hear it? We 
 believe that. It makes no noise, but it is moving 
 for all that. The tide makes no noise, but still it 
 rises. You don't see it rise if you only drive 
 along the Thames embankment. 
 
 Well, what of all that? What of it, do you 
 say? Why, this — ^you have the power now to 
 direct the course of that stream : to direct it for 
 good. It is not necessary that England should 
 become a republic. We do not think it desirable 
 that she should. We would rather not see her 
 a republic. Do you wish to make her so ? The 
 people wanted you to settle the question of labour 
 and the basis of national education. You chose, 
 instead, to give them a Keform Bill. It might 
 have been better, both for you and them, had you 
 only given them what they asked ; but since you 
 have given them a Reform Bill without first 
 giving them education, or seeing that they were 
 placed in harmonious relations with their employers 
 — two things not so very difficult to have done 
 had you been earnest in trying to accomplish them 
 — since, we say, you have given them this Reform 
 Bill, and you must now give them the ballot, what 
 are you going to do with yourselves 1 It was the 
 
426 A PEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 boast of your leader that he had spent years on 
 your education. Is it finished ? If so, what are 
 the fruits of his teaching? Above all, what has 
 his teaching profited you ? Did he tell you your 
 real position, or does he really know it himself? 
 Or has he been mixing syrup with the draught 
 which he said it was good for you to swallow ? 
 We don't know, and, perhaps, you don't know 
 yourselves, and although we have asked you the 
 questions, we don't want you to answer them; 
 and you wouldn't, probably, answer them if you 
 could. 
 
 But what we will ask you, and what the nation 
 asks you, and expects you to answer, is this — ^Will 
 you or will you not, educated for it or uneducated, 
 fulfil the work you were intended to do, and which 
 you are bound to perform in this country of Eng- 
 land ? Can you safely neglect it ? Who would 
 seriously have thought thirty or forty years ago 
 that so venerable and important an institution as 
 the Ii-ish Church would be struck down, and its 
 revenues be appropriated, as we hope they will 
 be, to secular purposes ? 
 
 Who would have dreamed of seriously pro- 
 posing, although the nation was languishing for 
 want of intellectual food, and is one of the least 
 educated countries in Europe, that the revenues 
 
A PEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 427 
 
 of Oxford should be confiscated for the most holy 
 purpose of educating the people? 
 
 Will it be deemed, think you, any very 
 monstrous thing some forty or fifty years hence, 
 or, for ought we know, sooner, to say that it is an 
 unnatural and unjust thing that the people should 
 be starving — elbowing one another over the cliffs 
 of old England ia a struggle for bread, while one 
 man appropriates a whole county in walks for 
 sheep and forests for deer? And if that man, 
 besides, should happen to be living merely for 
 himself and for his retinue of servants, dogs, 
 horses, and caniages, and, even in the absence of 
 anything worse, is only to be found taking an 
 active interest irt private chapels, blazing in the 
 noon-tide of day with the light of candles, with 
 the perfume of incense, and the glitter of vest- 
 ments — do you think that a discontented people 
 will require much rhetoric or logic to persuade 
 them that an institution productive only of such 
 results should follow the fate of the Irish Church, 
 the revenues of Oxford, and, it may be, the 
 Chm-ch of England itself? 
 
 Listen I The men of East London — the brave 
 manly sons of England, are starving for lack of 
 bread. There's no work for them to do, or they 
 wouldn't be starving. Nature's nobility is dying 
 
428 A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 for want of sustenance. Have you no sympathy 
 witli it? It was from the ranks of those men that 
 many of your fathers were chosen to be senators. 
 Yea, even from that very class whom you are said 
 to despise. Think you that they are ignoble? 
 Do you think that they will be less noble than 
 you when they go to that world where there is 
 no old nobility — where there is no distinction of 
 race or caste ? Do you believe that when Christ 
 makes up his jewels he will do what you even 
 don't do on earth — that he will choose his gems 
 all of one colour, of one water, and from one 
 stone ? 
 
 You are not bound to support them nor to find 
 them work ? We didn't say you were bound by 
 human laws to do it, although we are sorely 
 tempted to say it. They die quietly, you tell us. 
 They don't disturb yoti. It is only we who are 
 saying disagreeable things. You want to be let 
 alone, as you are preparing to go to Lady 
 Greatjoy's ball. It is inconvenient. We are 
 intruding. 
 
 Are you mocking ? t)o you know what is said 
 in the Book of Holy Writ — "Whoso mocketh the 
 poor, reproacheth his Maker : and he that is glad 
 at calamities, shall not be unpunished?" Yes; 
 they die I These brave English hearts know how 
 
A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 429 
 
 to die I We have seen them die in foreign lands ; 
 but not of starvation, thank God I No, that is 
 left for them to endure at home! They know 
 how to die, those Englishmen ; and knowing that 
 they must, they make no fuss about it. 
 
 But at least they would die more mercifully if 
 they could die quicker ; and know, while dying, 
 that their deaths would save the lives of their 
 wives and little ones. 
 
 Listen again ! Have you heard of that noble 
 band of soldiers who formed line on the deck of 
 the Birkenhead, and, saluting their officers, with 
 their eyes frontiag the boats which contained 
 their wives and children, went down out of sight 
 for ever ? They, too, were Englishmen, and they 
 knew how to die, and were ready to go, for their 
 eyes had seen the salvation of widows and 
 orphans, whom they once used to call wives and 
 childi-en ! They died very quietly, too. Theirs 
 were thoughts too deep for tears, and their looks 
 didn't need an interpreter. They made no noise. 
 The only noise was the horrid swish and swirl of 
 the waves when the sinldng ship went down; 
 but that noise — even that, was after the soldiers 
 were gone ! But the death of these brave men 
 was quick, and it was also merciful; for they 
 knew that their deaths had ptu-chased the lives of 
 
430 A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 those whom they held dearest on earth — dearer 
 even than themselves I 
 
 Would you have saved those men if you 
 could? 
 
 Yes, you would have tried to save them. 
 And why would you have tried to do it ? Is it 
 because they were soldiers and were di-awn up 
 in line, and it is pretty to see soldiers in line, and 
 it would be a pity to see them die so in the wide 
 ocean, on board of a sinking transport ? 
 
 Ah! Noblesse of England! there are men 
 now in London, just as brave, just as helpless, 
 sinking in as vast a gulf as those did who sank 
 with the Birkenhead! They are not in line, and 
 they do not die quickly; and alas! they know 
 that their deaths will not redeem the lives of their 
 wives and children ! 
 
 Will you not help them? Merciful God I is 
 there no Lord Peabody among the serried ranks 
 of England's nobihty, who will rise and save those 
 starving men ? Do you not blush to think that 
 a simple citizen of that great and good nation — 
 yes, great and good — the people of America, 
 whom, it is said you scorned, reviled, and insulted, 
 and would fain have destroyed — do you not 
 blush, we ask, to think that this simple good man 
 — this true Samaritan, should be doing the duty 
 
A FEW WOEBS WITH. OUR NOBILITY. 431 
 
 inoumbent upon you, of saving your poor from 
 the jaws of famine ? 
 
 What a satire upon vengeance! People of 
 America! your triumph is complete! 
 
 Do not, we beseech you, let it be said of you, 
 the descendants of England's chivalry and worth 
 — "There is a generation whose teeth are as 
 swords and their jaw teeth as knives, to devour 
 the poor from off the earth, and the needy from 
 among men." Do not be deceived by the smooth- 
 ness and calm which seem to be existing around 
 you. They were piping and dancing, marrying 
 and giving in marriage before the flood. We are 
 now in the midst of an atmosphere which, though 
 still, is as oppressively charged with sulphureous 
 elements as the most threatening thimder cloud. 
 We are in the midst of plenty, though we are, 
 alas ! also in the midst of want. If troubles come 
 
 9 
 
 and come they will sooner or later, it will be well 
 for you to see around you a happy, a moral, and 
 a contented people. It would be better, too, 
 perhaps, had you those around you — the thousands 
 of that brave and devoted race, whom, for the 
 sake of sheep and deer, you caused, most wrong- 
 fully to be deported from the homes of their 
 fathers. Even now, perhaps, the ciu'se of that 
 foul system has begun to cast its shadows before, 
 
432 A FEW WORDS WITH OUR NOBILITY. 
 
 by the very finding of gold in the lonely valleys 
 of Sutherland ! Who can unfold the mystery of 
 retribution? Come, however, it will, in some 
 form, and at some time or other. 
 
 " National discontent," says a writer, whom ft 
 is not fashionable to read, " seldom originates in 
 trivial matters, nor is it easy to excite a people 
 against an established government, even in cases 
 of flagrant misrule, unless their natural attach- 
 ment have been previously alienated by continued 
 oppression or neglect. Revolutions, however sudden 
 in appearance, are not in common the effects of 
 sudden impulse — the immediate visible agents 
 may be trifling, the shock imexpected, instan- 
 taneous, and universal, but there must have been 
 in silent operation, a number of unnoticed, 
 unheeded causes, which, in fact, produce them," * 
 
 What has been destruction to dynasties and 
 governments must, in the nature of things, be fatal 
 also to you. You may succeed in demoraHzmg 
 and Romanizing classes — ^you will never succeed 
 in doing so with the nation. If the disgust of an 
 old woman to an obnoxious prayer-book gave 
 shape and form to a revolution in Scotland, no 
 man can tell how insignificant may be the instru- 
 ment which may ring the knell of your power 
 * Aikman's History of Scotland. "Vol. IV., p. 1. 
 
LAST WORDS. 433 
 
 and influence, should you at length arouse the 
 indignation and scorn of the people of England. 
 
 We shall plead no more. It has been our lot 
 to plead, oftener than once, for those whose 
 poverty compelled them to sue in forma pauperis. 
 We hope we have done it now for the last time. 
 We have pleaded for the brave strong man, ema- 
 ciated by want, and a prey to disease — ^for his 
 tearless wife — for even the well of her tears is dry 
 — for their famished, starving httle ones. And 
 we have also pleaded for and with you, Nobility 
 of England! We leave younowto your conscience 
 and your God. But, in doing so, we would ask 
 you again — 
 
 Is it, or is it not true, that in England the rich 
 are becoming richer and richer, more selfish and 
 more dissolute; the poor, poorer and poorer? 
 
 and we dare not utter it. Vieille Noblesse— 
 
 Beware I 
 
 2 E 
 
CHAPTER XXI. 
 
 A LAWVEk's love letter — HOSTILITIES COMMENCE — OBJECTORS 
 BEGIN THEIR EVIDENCE — WHAT WAS SAID BY THE REV. 
 ALISTER M'CRINGER — HOW THE GOSPEL CAN EA^ADE THE LAW. 
 
 " QO you think your chances are doubtful vnih. 
 ^ the fifteen thousand pounder f said Mr. 
 Horn to his partner, Poind, one morning, after 
 some talk about the further proceedings in the 
 Veto case. 
 
 " I rather think so." 
 
 " Try her with the letter at all events, as she 
 did not refuse you liberty to write. Draw it up, 
 Etnd I'll revise it for you." 
 
 - " But how do you propose to get an introduc- 
 tion to the widow ?" he asked, after a pause. 
 
 " That's just what I was thuiking about." 
 
 "Have you no idea on the subject?" again 
 asked Horn, 
 
 " Well, I think it wouldn't do to get a merely 
 formal introduction. It would look suspicious. 
 If I could only throw myself fii-st of all in her 
 way." 
 
 " I'll tell you what I would suggest, Poind. I 
 

 o 
 
 w 
 m 
 u 
 
 9 
 
MESSRS. HORN AND POIND.. 433 
 
 know she's willing to feu part of the ground, and 
 I am aware that she is not inclined to sell. I 
 should think the land worth perhaps fifty 
 thousand pounds. Now, suppose I wrote a 
 letter to her, signed by the firm, saying that a 
 client of ours wished to purchase a property in 
 the neighbourhood of G-lasgow, at a price not 
 exceeding forty thousand pounds, and ask 
 whether she Would take that sum for the pro- 
 perty at Crossmimgo ; or if not, how many acres 
 she would be disposed to feu, and in what part 
 of the estate? Of course I would begin by say- 
 ing, ' This letter, will be delivered to you by our 
 Mr. Sharper Poind, who is going in your direction 
 on other business, and as,' &c. You see?" 
 
 "The very thing," said Poind, deHghted. 
 
 "And then, you know, you could say that if it 
 would not be too much trouble you would lilce to 
 see what part of the property she proposed to 
 feu. - It's as likely as not that she would put on 
 her bonnet and shawl and go along with you. 
 She was a domestic servant at one time, and is 
 not at all particular." 
 
 "But if she should show the letter to her 
 agents, Law and Rule?" 
 
 ; " Well, supposing she did, all they would do 
 would be to write tis an abusive letter" about 
 
436 MESSRS. HORN AND POIND. 
 
 breach of professional etiquette — ^the usual thing 
 you know. 
 
 " If she should go out with you for the pur- 
 pose of showing the grounds, you will of course 
 make yourself as agreeable as possible — talk 
 about the pressure of business — that you were 
 thinking of buying some nice place in the neigh- 
 bourhood of the city yourself — but that she 
 mustn't suppose that the present matter is on 
 your own accoimt. You can do this in such a 
 way as to lead her to believe that it is." 
 
 Here, then, was an example of the saying that 
 two heads are better than one. No introduction, 
 under the special circumstances in which Poind 
 was placed, could have been more ingeniously 
 devised. What a handy thiag is a firm I That 
 which a man can't say for himself the mighty 
 " We " can say for him with ease. It's an awk- 
 ward thing to introduce one's self. It's the 
 simplest thing in the world to—" & Co." It's a 
 great institution is a firml 
 
 " What sort of a looking fellow is your lival?" 
 asked Horn. 
 
 " Hum — something like myself.'' 
 
 " Well, iu that case, I don't think you've very 
 much to fear," observed Horn, with a malicious 
 twinkle in his eye. 
 
MORE OHARACTEK PAINTING. 437 
 
 Poind tried to laugh, but his giggle was 
 forced. He didn't like to be thought plain look- 
 ing. All men of his stamp have a high opinion 
 of then* personal appearance. He overshot the 
 mark, however, in comparing himself favourably 
 with Sneaker, The latter was what is called 
 " good looking," or " genteel looking," which 
 Poind could not be said to be, and Sneaker had, 
 we will not say a fascinating, but certainly an 
 attractive manner, to which he endeavom-ed to 
 give an air of naturalness which he knew he did 
 not really possess. The base coin, however, only 
 deceived those who, not having studied human 
 character, were \mable to discern the ring of the 
 true from the chink of the false metal. Hypo- 
 critical by nature. Sneaker could readily affect that 
 kind of godliness which abounds in pious cant, 
 manufactured sighs, and crocodUe tears. Although 
 comparatively young, he had the shrewdness and 
 tact of many an older man, nor did he want 
 ability of a certain kind. He was above the 
 average as a preacher, and if he had possessed 
 more heart, and could only have himself felt a 
 portion of the truth which he recommended to 
 others, he would, probably have attained more 
 than an ordinary reputation. But an inordinate 
 deshe for worldly advancement, a craving for 
 
438 A LA\VYEK,'S LOVE LETTEE, 
 
 sudden wealth, and a prominent position, choked 
 whatever good seed had been sown in his heart, 
 and made him, at the same time, a fortune hunter, 
 a dissembler, and a fop. 
 
 Poind lost no time in taking his partner's 
 advice, and drafted his proposed letter to Miss 
 M'Phillabeg, which he got revised by a literary 
 friend. It ran as follows : 
 
 Glasgow, 18- 
 
 "My Dear Miss M'Phillabeg, 
 
 " AVhen I parted from you at the Manse, I was 
 in very low spirits, and you will forgive me for saying tliat 
 you were the cause thereof. I thought I deserved rather 
 different treatment at your hands than to have the offer of my 
 arm, to conduct you to the supper room, declined, and to see 
 a preference given to one who deserted your society for the 
 company of a few revellers ; who returned merely to proffer, 
 for the sake of form, what I was impelled to offer from regard. 
 I opened my mind to you that evening ; and as you have not 
 denied me the privilege of writing, I send this to assure you 
 that I not only admire and respect, but love you with all the 
 fervour of which I am capable. 
 
 " I now offer you my hand and heart. Although I do not 
 pretend to be a very rich man, I have sufficient means to 
 warrant my marrying. I enjoy an income, derived from 
 business (which is daily increasing) of at least £1000 per 
 annum. Any money of your own, as to which I know 
 nothing, could be settled upon yourself and the children o£ 
 
A LAWYER'S LOVE LETTER. 439 
 
 the marriage. I intend to feu a piece of ground, in the 
 neighbourhood of this city, on which to buUd a nice cottage. 
 I do hope you will consent to share it. 
 
 " I will require to be at Porterbier early next week to lead 
 evidence for the Objectors, when I trust to have the pleasure 
 of seeing you looking as chaiining as ever. Meantime, I am» 
 " Yours devotedly, 
 
 " SHARPER POIND." 
 
 "That'll do very well, Poind," said Horn, 
 when he had read over the letter. " You've 
 been drawing the long bow, though, about the 
 thousand. However, the Veto case may probably 
 bring you nearly up to it this year." 
 
 " I wish I were a long bean" said Poind, laughr 
 ing;."an objection to me, I believe, is that I'm 
 too short." 
 
 " Well," said Horn, " I'm just going out of town, 
 but here's the letter to the widow M'Creesh, You 
 should lose, no tinie in going out to see her. 
 Success to you." 
 
 Poind did not neglect the advice of his worthy 
 partner. On arriving at Crossmungo, he was 
 rather annoyed to find that the widow was from 
 home. All that the servant coidd say was, that 
 her mistress was "jist gaun aboot frae place tae 
 place, tae see her freens," but, she added, " Mrs, 
 M'Creesh will expec' ye tae leave yer address. 
 
440 A DISCOVERY. 
 
 There's been naebody ca'ing sin' slie gaed awa', 
 beenna' yersel' an' the gentleman wha left this 
 caird yestreen." 
 
 Turning his eye towards the hall table, he saw 
 only one visiting card, but it was one bearing the 
 name "Rev. Adam Pry Sneaker 1" 
 
 " Aha ! he's been here before me," muttered 
 Poind, — " this is the way he takes to show his 
 intention of not calling upon the aunt again, in 
 case she should think that he wished her to change 
 her will ! — ^^Vhat a world !" 
 
 With this extremely moral reflection, he 
 returned to the oifice to make the necessary 
 preparations for leading evidence before the 
 Presbytery of Dunderhead, in the Veto case. 
 
 The fortnight previous to the date fixed for 
 proceeding with the evidence, was a busy one in 
 the parish of Veto. Warning notes of preparation 
 were heard in both camps. Messengers went 
 hither .and thither. Missives, couched in English 
 phraseology as destitute of idiomatic elegance as 
 the Duke of Marlborough's French despatches, 
 were sent to the more distant parts of the parish ; 
 and various councils, portentous of coming strife, 
 were held at the respective rendezvous of M'Huistan 
 and M'Groggy. Ahster Fillyerglass had returned 
 fi-om his cell in Dublin jail, to aid the objectors 
 
RUMOURS OF WAR. 441 
 
 Vitli increased zeal, since he had already suffered 
 in the cause. Alister considered the treatment he 
 had undergone suiScient to have roused feelings 
 of vengeance even in the breast of an apostle. To 
 thinlc that such indignities should have been 
 offered to an elder of the kirk ! The disgi*ace 
 would stick to him for life. He could expect 
 nothing else than to be pointed at as the man 
 whose throat had been cut from ear to ear, and 
 who had been thrown into Lochspelding ; or as 
 having been tried and convicted of some heinous 
 crime in Ireland, and having been pardoned only- 
 through the great influence of Messrs. Puncheon, 
 Sheepshanks, and others, with the Lord Lieutenant. 
 Alister, therefore, worked ^dth a will for the 
 objectors. 
 
 The presentee's supporters showed equal 
 activity. They were far more numerous and 
 enthusiastic than their opponents ; they felt that 
 they had right on their side although not might, 
 except indeed that of numbers, which, however, 
 does not always avail when opposed by wealth 
 and influence. They saw that they had nothing 
 to expect from the Presbytery but a subservient 
 knuckling down to the higher classes, and they 
 knew that they would knock at their door for 
 justice in vain. They were determined, notwith- 
 
442 HUMOURS OF WAR. 
 
 standing, to stick to the man whom they had 
 called to be their pastor, and to sustain him against 
 the oppressors who sought to drive liim from a 
 parish which it was now very well known they 
 had destined for Sneaker. Accordingly, the forces 
 of both parties were pretty well organized befoz'e 
 beiQg reviewed by those eminent commanders, 
 Gabby Garrempey, and Sharper Poind. These 
 legal celebrities made their appearance on the field 
 a few days before actual hostilities commenced. 
 Sneaker also showed face, as he was to be a ■witness 
 for the objectors. Neither Gan-empey nor Poind 
 wasted time in imnecessary manoeuvres. . They 
 went promptly into the different matters which 
 were to form the subject of evidence. Sneaker 
 was received as usual with confiding trust by the 
 amiable Miss M'Corkscrew, and Poind thought he 
 saw a hopeful change in the demeanour of Miss 
 M'Phillabeg. 
 
 A meeting of the objectors was finally held at 
 M'Groggy's to complete arrangements. It was 
 attended by all the members of the conclave, and 
 resolutions were come to m the midst of potations 
 long and deep. 
 
 "I'm afraid," said Puncheon, "we must give 
 up the idea of getting any evidence from Snufi"- 
 muU. I have a letter from Mr. Tm-ubolt, thq 
 
HUMOURS OF WAR. 443 
 
 fiscal, saying that notwithstanding all his exer- 
 tions, and promises of good payment, he cannot 
 get any one to come who would be of service. 
 Such persons of respectability as he had seen, said 
 they never heard anything about the presentee 
 except what was to his credit, that it was an 
 unholy work to oppose him, and that whoever 
 went to give evidence against him, might as well 
 stay away from the place altogether afterwards. 
 There were, he said, a few loose characters in the 
 place, chiefly fishermen, who would do or say 
 anything for money, and some of them came to 
 him voluntarily expressing their willingness to go, 
 but he could not think of sending them." 
 
 " What for no f ' said Stirk. " That's nane o' 
 oor bizziness. If they gie evidence tae support 
 oor objections, that's a' we hae tae dae wi' it." 
 
 " What do you say, Mi-. Poind ?" said Sheep- 
 shanks, doubtfully. 
 
 " Well, I don't think there's any harm in send- 
 ing a couple of them here, and we can judge for 
 oiu-selves whether they'll suit or not." 
 
 A letter was accordingly despatched to that 
 effect. 
 
 The church of Veto was crowded on the day 
 for beginning the objectors' evidence. Several 
 enterprising vendors of refreshments had set up 
 
444 SOME STRANGE PRAYERS. 
 
 Btalls and tents to accommodate the crowds who 
 were sm-e to come to enjoy the expected fan. 
 The Presbytery again mustered in fiiU force for 
 the opening day, but the attendance fell off sadly 
 before the wind-up. 
 
 The meeting was, as usual, opened with 
 prayer by the Moderator, in the course of which 
 he expressed a hope that their proceedings would 
 be conducted in a spirit of charity and forbear- 
 iance, that every feeling of ill-will, and every 
 thought prompting to partiality, wouldbe banished 
 from their minds — that all their deliberations, and 
 reasoning, would be directed to ascertain the 
 truth, to do justice, by the light of reason, and the 
 gospel. Pity that a prayer like this should have 
 been offered up in vain ! Many of the members of 
 that reverend court who were supposed to be 
 listening to it, were at tke moment plotting how 
 they could best reach some particular point, or 
 over - reach another — how they could most 
 effectually help forward the desires of the few, 
 and frustrate the hopes of the many. 
 
 Prayer, we once heard a Yankee say, was a 
 great institooshun. It is wonderful to how many 
 base uses it is applied I When two hostile armies 
 approach each other, after having, perhaps, 
 devastated a country with fire and sword — 
 
SOME STRANGE PRAYERS. 445 
 
 driven innocent families from ruined homes, and 
 committed other nameless atrocities — ^it is not 
 unusual to find them, before engaging in the 
 deadly strife, importiming Heaven for success I 
 Each of them is sanguine that the God of Battles 
 will crown their standards, consecrated by rival 
 priests, with a great and glorious victory. On 
 the memorable field of Sadowa both the Austrian 
 and Prussian commanders invoked, with all the 
 urgency of orthodox devotion, a blessing from on 
 High upon the arms of their respective soldiers. 
 What a spectacle 1 A set of matchless robbers, 
 who are preparing to shed each other's blood 
 because they cannot agree about the spoliation; 
 of Denmark, go dow^n upon their knees in the 
 expectation that Providence will suspend, in 
 favour of the least iniquitous of two shameless 
 plunderers, that law, which, according to the 
 First Napoleon, gives victory to the strongest 
 battalions I The Mexican bandit of the tierra 
 caliente, who lurks in some dark recess, with the 
 amiable intention of cutting your throat and 
 rifling your baggage, when he hears the rumbling 
 of the approaching diligencia, drops upon his 
 knees, kisses his crucifix with energetic fer- 
 vour, mumbles a hasty prayer to the Virgin of 
 Guadalupe, hoping at the same time that she 
 
an SOME STRANGE PRAYERS. 
 
 has gifted you with plenty of dubloons ! Is his 
 prayer less blasphemous than was that of the 
 Hapsburger or Brandenbiu-ger ? Not a whit. 
 Truly prayer is a good thing, but, like many 
 other good things, it is sadly abused. Here we 
 have the Presbytery of Dunderhead joining in a 
 prayer, asking to be endowed with charity and 
 forbearance — to be able to do Avhat was just and 
 right in their deliberations and judgments. The 
 prayer is no sooner ended, than the place of 
 meeting — ^itself the house of prayer — ^is conTcrted 
 into a bear garden. The reverend presbyters 
 worry each other and the comisel, lilce a pack of 
 savage wolf-hounds, and commit acts of such 
 monstrous and frequently intentional injustice, 
 " as make the angels weep." 
 
 " Viota jacet Pietas et virgo Ciede madentes, 
 Ultima coelestflm terras Astrsea rcliquit.'' 
 
 The fii-st step taken was the production of the 
 sermons, which being docqueted and signed by 
 the moderator and clerk, were held of consent as 
 forming part of the objectors' case — after wliich, 
 they proceeded to examine their ■outnesses. We 
 shall give the evidence exactly, as it is reduced 
 to writing, the questions and answers being 
 generally preceded by the words " InteiTogated" 
 
EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. U1 
 
 and "Depones." We also giye that part of tlie 
 res gestae 'whicli does not appear in evidence, 
 but -vdthont which, the picture would not be 
 complete. 
 
 EVIDENCE FOR TPIE OBJECTORS. 
 
 At Veto, and within the Parish Church there, 
 
 the day of 18 — . 
 
 Compeared— The Rev. Alister M'Cringer, 
 minister of the parish of Ochonochree, who, being 
 solemnly sworn and interrogated, 
 
 Depones — I attended at the various diets fixed 
 by the Presbytery for the presentee preaching in 
 the parish church of Veto, along with the other 
 members of Presbytery appointed for that purpose. 
 I received the manuscripts of his sermons, which 
 have now been produced. 
 
 ' Interrogated — What impression did the dis- 
 courses make upon you? 
 
 Objected for the presentee — That it is utterly 
 incompetent to make a party who is one of , the 
 judges in the case, a witness against the presentee. 
 It will be impossible for the proposed witness 
 afterwards to deliberate upon the case, if he is 
 brought forward to give evidence now. He will 
 pronoimce judgment as a witness before he can 
 give his opiaion as a judge, after hearing the 
 
448 EVIDENCE FOE, THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 evidence for both parties. Besides, he is not 
 asked to speak to facts, but merely to impressions. 
 
 Answered — There is nothing incompetent in 
 adducing Mr. M'Cringer as a witness. He was 
 present in the discharge of a duty imposed upon 
 him by the Presbytery, and there is no illegality 
 in taking his evidence. 
 
 Mr, M'Cringer — "I maintain that it is quite com- 
 petent to examine any member of Presbytery." 
 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery, by a 
 majority, repelled the objection. 
 
 Against which deliverance the agent for the 
 presentee protested, and appealed to the ensuing" 
 meeting of the General Assembly, took instm- 
 ments and craved extracts, which were allowed. 
 
 The agent for the objectors acquiesced. 
 
 And the question being repeated. 
 
 Depones — They appeared to me to be un- 
 connected and hurried. He did not, in my opinion, 
 elucidate his texts; and both his psalms and 
 texts seemed to be chosen Avith a view to wound 
 the feelings of those who might oppose him. He 
 opened his eyes several times during prayer. I 
 did not think there was much unction about his 
 prayers. His discourses were very dry, and from 
 my knowledge of the people of Veto, I didn't 
 think they would profit much by them. 
 
REV. ALISTER M'CRINGEE. 449 
 
 Inten'ogated — Did you observe anything 
 peculiar about the presentee's manner? 
 
 Yes. He seemed to be reciting, and swung 
 his aims about in a most ungainly manner. He 
 spoke too loud, and, I think, his tongue is either 
 too large or too small for his mouth. He did not 
 speak in the broad, open — 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "The Presbytery have, al- 
 ready found this objection irrelevant." 
 
 Moderator — "Certainly, we can't go back upon 
 that." 
 
 Interrogated — Was there anything else pecu- 
 liar? 
 
 Yes. He had a larg^e crop of red — 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "This has also been found 
 to be ii-relevant, and cannot form the subject of 
 proof now." 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — "But he has not yet cut 
 it off." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " It will be time enough for 
 him to do that when he gets into the parish." 
 
 The Rev. Mr. M'Sneevish — " But then perhaps 
 he'll not do it." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — " Couldna' we mak' 
 it a condition o' his induction?" 
 
 Rev. Mr. Sneckdraw — "Moderator, I beg to 
 
 make the following motion : — ' That in respect the 
 2f 
 
4S0 EVTDBNCB FOR THE OBJECTORS, 
 
 -presentee liasna' cut off his hair, so as to obviate 
 the objection, oor reverend brother should be 
 allooed tae proceed tae state Avhat he saw peculiar 
 on the occasion in question, so that a record of it 
 may be preserved.' We're not, of course, bound 
 to give effee' to the objection by doing this." 
 
 Eev, Mr. M'Snee — " I second the motion." 
 
 Kev. Dr. Browser — " Moderator, I think the 
 course proposed quite incompetent. You have 
 already, by a solemn judgment, found this objec- 
 tion irrelevant, and you cannot now allow any 
 -evidence in support of it without stultifying 
 yourselves." 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — "But that was because 
 he was to cut off his hair." 
 
 Kev. Dr. Browser — " I don't care what was the 
 reason. We have given a final judgment upon 
 the point, and I think, Sir, as you are in the 
 position of a witness, you should take no part in 
 this discussion." 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — " That does not take away 
 my right as a member of this Presbytery." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — "Perhaps not; but it 
 certainly ought to take away from the value of 
 your evidence." 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — " What do you mean by 
 that?" 
 
EEV. ALISTER M'CRINGEE. 451 
 
 Rev. Di\ Browser — "I mean what I say. — I beg 
 to move, Moderator, as an amendment, that no 
 evidence be allowed upon this point." 
 
 Eev. Dr. Totty M'Kilbussell~"I second the 
 amendment." 
 
 Parties beiag removed, the Presbytery, after 
 reasoning, by a majority allowed the evidence to 
 be received, which judgment was dissented from, 
 protested against, appealed, and acquiesced in, 
 ut supra, and the question being repeated. 
 
 Depones — He has a large crop of red hair, and 
 a bad squint, so that, as I heard a party at my back 
 say, he seemed to be looldng two ways for Sunday. 
 
 Was there anytliing else peculiar ? 
 
 Yes; his nose was too small, in my opinion, 
 for the size of his face. He blew it frequently in 
 a way which alarmed several females near me. 
 
 Interrogated — Do you consider that these 
 peculiarities had a distracting effect upon the 
 congregation, and prevented them fi-om bene- 
 fiting by the presentee's services? 
 
 I do most decidedly. I saw people laughing, 
 and several people asleep. 
 
 Interrogated — To what do you attribute these 
 results? 
 
 Depones — I attribute, the laughing to the 
 peculiarity of the presentee's appearance,. a;nd 
 
452 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 the sleeping to the squint. How it precisely 
 affects those who keep their eyes fixed on it I do 
 not pretend to explain. 
 
 Interrogated — Can you give any instance of 
 
 this? 
 
 Yes; there were several old women sent 
 asleep. Their breathing was quick and stertorous, 
 and it was with considerable diificulty that they 
 could be awakened. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Are you aware that the presen- 
 tee, instead of residing in private lodgings, lives 
 in a common inn in Porterbier ? 
 
 Here Huistan rose in great wrath, and exclaimed 
 — "A'U hae ye tae know, Mr. Poind, that ma 
 hoose isna a common inns, an' if ye don't tak care 
 a'll maybe mak' ye rue yer expressions." 
 
 Poind got rather alarmed. He remembered 
 the fate of Quaighhorn and Rory M'Stitcher, and 
 as he had occasion to be frequently within Huis- 
 tan's clutches in the village, he didn't want to 
 make him more of an enemy than he could help, 
 so he said, blandly — 
 
 " I don't mean any disrespect to yoiu- housfe, 
 Mr. M'Huistan, but the phrase ' common inn' is a 
 legal term, applicable to all inns, and it is only in 
 that sense I'm using it. I believe your inn to be 
 as well conducted as any house can be." 
 
REV. ALISTER M'CRINGEE. 463 
 
 Huistan sat down with a look of great satis- 
 faction, and the examination proceeded. 
 
 Depones — I believe he resides in Mr. M'Htiis- 
 stan's inn, and I may add that he could not be in 
 a more respectable one, 
 
 A grim smile from Huistan, and a whisper 
 to GaiTcmpey, "He thinks he'll butter me up. 
 He's tried that afore, but a'm dune wi' him 
 noo." 
 
 Interrogated — Are you acquainted with the 
 parish of Veto ? 
 
 Depones — Perfectly. It's very hilly and nigged, 
 the roads are bad, and very steep, and it is inter- 
 sected with morasses, water-courses, and dykes. 
 It's very difficult to traverse. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Areyou aware that the presentee 
 halts in walking ; in short, that he has a short leg 
 and a shorter? 
 
 Depones — I am. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Do you think he is fit to traverse 
 this parish if he had to go off the main or parish 
 road to visit the people ? 
 
 Depones — I do not. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Does the parish require the 
 services of a young, vigorous, and energetic 
 miaister ? 
 
 Depones — It does; 
 
454 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Do you consider tlie presentee 
 to be such, from what you have seen of him ? 
 
 Depones — I do not. 
 
 Interrogated — Has he a wife and family ? 
 
 Depones — I believe he has. 
 
 Interrogated — Is he or is he not acceptable to 
 the parties who have signed the objections, or to 
 the parish generally ? 
 
 Depones — He is not. 
 
 Cross-examined for the presentee. 
 
 How long have you been a minister in your 
 present parish ? 
 
 Depones — For about fifteen years. 
 
 In what year did you get your presentation^ 
 
 Depones — I think it would be in 1843, 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — The year of the Disruption ? 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Interrogated — Had you any church before 
 then? 
 
 Depones— No. 
 
 Interrogated — What were you doing at that 
 time? 
 
 I decline to answer. I don't think yoti have 
 any right to ask me these questions. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Very well. If you decline, it 
 is all the same to me. 
 
 Were you then a tutor in the family of Jlr. 
 
REV. ALISTEE M'CBINGEK. 455 
 
 Puncheon, and was it through his and his 
 friends' influence that you got the parish of 
 Ochonochree? 
 
 I dechne to answer these questions. I consider 
 them to be ii-relevant and impertinent, and I shall 
 move the Presbytery to refuse to allow any more 
 of them to be put down in the record. 
 
 Now, Mr. M'Cringer, said Garrempey, speaking 
 in a very decided and earnest tone, Mark what I 
 say. Should you attempt to do any such thing, 
 and should the Presbytery be so inconsiderate as 
 to be led away by you, I shall, at the proper time, 
 you may depend upon it, call in the aid of a 
 court that will compel you and them to do justice, 
 and make yom* pockets suffer for what your 
 consciences do not seem to feel. 
 
 "Oh, hoi he threatens us with the Court of 
 Session!" exclaimed M'Sneevish. "We cannot 
 allow an agent to appear here Avho uses such 
 threats." 
 
 " Do you refuse, then, to allow me to appear ?" 
 said Garrempey, coolly. " Say the word— Yes or 
 No I The steamer starts to-day at three o'clock, 
 and it will suit me very well to get back to 
 Edinburgh," 
 
 There was no answer. The reverend court 
 could bully as long as its members thought that ' 
 
456 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 bullying would do, but when they began to 
 reflect that their proceedings would probably be 
 quashed, and that they might have to pay the 
 piper in the shape of law expenses, a change came 
 over the spirit of their dream. 
 
 Moderator — "I think you had better go on, 
 Mr. Garrempey. Mr. M'Cringer may dechne to 
 answer your questions, but, as an inferior comrt, 
 we are bound to record them if not clearly 
 incompetent. The Synod or Assembly may take 
 a different view from us." 
 
 The examination being resumed, and the 
 witness being interrogated — 
 
 Are you in the habit of living at the houses 
 of Mr. Puncheon, Mr. Sheepshanks, or Mr. Stirk, 
 when you come to this parish, and have you done 
 so during the times you have been here since the 
 case commenced. 
 
 Depones — I declme to answer. 
 
 Interrogated — Were the objections against the 
 presentee drawn up by you, or did you assist in 
 any way in their preparation ? 
 
 Depones — They were not. 
 
 Mr, Garrempey — You have not answered the 
 latter part of the question. 
 
 Depones — I may have mentioned to some 
 parties what I thought objectionable, but further 
 
REV. ALISTER M'CIIIITGER. 457 
 
 than that I had nothing to do with tlieir pre- 
 paration. 
 
 Interrogated — Who were these parties 1 
 
 Depones — I don't recollect. 
 
 Interrogated — Were they Messrs. Puncheon 
 &Co.? 
 
 Depones — ^I don't know what is meant by 
 Puncheon & Co. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — You don't. = — Well, Messrs, 
 Puncheon, Sheepshanks, Porter, and Stirk 1 
 
 Depones — It is possible I may have spoken to 
 them about the objections. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Will you swear that you did not 
 go over the objections with these parties or any 
 of them, and make suggestions before the objec- 
 tions were lodged °? 
 
 Depones— I don't think I did anything of the 
 kind. I may have heard them read, but that would 
 be all. 
 
 Interrogated — When was that, and who were 
 present 1 
 
 Depones — I don't recollect. 
 
 Interrogated — Did the presentee give you the 
 manuscripts of his sermons 1 
 
 Depones-^He did. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you immediately hand these 
 documents to the Presbytery clerk 1 
 
458 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Depones — ^No. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you retain them for a couple 
 of weeks ? 
 
 Depones — I'm not exactly sure as to the time. 
 
 Interrogated — ^You retained them, however, for 
 some time ? 
 
 Depones — I don't think I kept them veiy long. 
 
 Rev. Mr. Skirleywhitter-— " I did not receive 
 them for upwards of two weeks after they were 
 delivered to you, and the packet had been . 
 opened by somebody before it came into my 
 hands." 
 
 It may be here mentioned, that the clerk had 
 felt his dignity hurt by M'Cringer's conduct in 
 this matter. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — ^Now, Mr. M'Cringer, I ask 
 you upon yoiu- oath, whether you did not hand 
 the presentee's sermons to some of the principal 
 objectors, to enable them to get up their case? 
 
 Depones — I did not hand the presentee's 
 sermons to any of the objectors. 
 
 Interrogated — Could any person have got 
 access to them for that purpose"? 
 
 Depones — I can't tell. 
 
 Interrogated — Had you them with J'ou when 
 you were living in any of the objectors' houses'? 
 
 Depones — I may have had. 
 
REV. ALISTER M 'CRINGES. 459 
 
 Interrogated — Is it possible that any of your 
 papers might be lying in your bed-room, or in 
 any open place where access could be had to 
 them? 
 
 Depones — It is quite possible. 
 
 InteiTogated — ^And you will not swear that 
 some person may not have had access to them in 
 such circumstances? 
 
 Depones — I will not. 
 
 Interrogated^— Did you invite the presentee to 
 preach for you about a month or six weeks ago? 
 
 Depones — ^Yes. 
 
 Did he ask you to allow him to preach? 
 
 Depones — ^No. 
 
 Interrogated — Were you acquainted with the 
 presentee ? 
 
 Depones — No. I never saw him before he 
 preached his trial discourses. 
 
 Interrogated — Had he no introduction to you? 
 
 Depones — No. 
 
 Interrogated — What was your object ia ask- 
 ing him to preach for you? 
 
 Depones — ^I heard that he was anxious to have 
 an opportunity of making himself known through 
 the country. 
 
 Interrogated — Who told you that? 
 
 Depones — I don't remember. 
 
460 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Just so; you -vvished to do 
 him a kindness. Well then. Did you say that 
 you -were to preach for the Rev. Dr. Browser? 
 
 M'Cringer here looked rather confused, and 
 ■was staggered for a moment, but he rallied very 
 quickly and said— ^ 
 
 I don't think I could have said any such thing. 
 Dr. Browser's name may have been mentioned in 
 conversation, as a member of Presbytery; but I 
 hardly think I could have said I was to preach 
 for him. 
 
 Huistan — "But you did say it, Sir; an' a'U 
 prove it." 
 
 " Seelence, there I " called out Donald 
 M'^Vheesht, the beadle. 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — '' Mr. M'Cringer never 
 preached for me in his life; and I never asked 
 him." 
 
 Interrogated — Will you swear, that you did 
 not say that you were asked to preach for Dr. 
 Browser ? 
 
 Depones — It may be that I said that I was 
 thinking of asking the Doctor to preach for me ; 
 but I don't think I could have said that he 
 asked me to preach for him. There must be a 
 misunderstanding about it. 
 
 Interrogated — You will not swear that you 
 
EEV. ALISTER M'CRINGER. 401 
 
 did not say that the Doctor asked you to preach 
 for him? 
 
 Depones — I have no other answer to give 
 than what I have given already. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Very well, Sir, we shall prove 
 it otherwise. 
 
 Interrogated — Are you aware that the 
 presentee walked from Porterbier to your manse? 
 
 Depones — I know that he arrived there on a 
 Saturday ; but I don't know that he walked. 
 
 Interrogated — What is the distance from 
 Porterbier to your manse ? 
 
 Depones — ^About fifteen miles. 
 
 Interrogated — Do you know that he walked 
 back again on the Sunday ? 
 
 Depones — He left me at the church to go 
 back. I don't know that he walked all the way. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you ask him to take a 
 walk with you over your parish ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 You went over some rough and hilly ground I 
 
 Depones — Well, it was not very rough. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you not find that he walked 
 as well as yourself? 
 
 Depones — I saw that he had a halt, and I 
 . thought he seemed fatigued. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — ^Now, Sir, answer my question. 
 
462 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Did he not walk quite as briskly and as Avell as 
 yoiu'self? 
 
 I don't think so. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did he not leap over a broad 
 ditch which happened to be in your way, and 
 which you were obliged to go round yourself? 
 
 Depones — He jumped over a small rivulet 
 that a boy could have leaped over. I could have 
 done it myself, but the ground was soft and 
 muddy on the other side. 
 
 Interrogated — You say that you think that 
 the presentee has a short leg and a shorter I 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 Interrogated — What opportunity had you of 
 observing this ? 
 
 Depones — I had an opportunity of observing 
 the length of the legs at family worship. 
 
 Interrogated — In what way ? 
 
 Depones — His back was turned to me. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — I suppose you placed yoiu- 
 chair at his back 1 
 
 It was the only chair. I could get. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you place it in that position 
 for the purpose of getting a good look at the legs ? 
 
 Depones — 'No. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey— Then I suppose it happened 
 accidentally ? 
 
BEV. ALISTEK M'CEINGEE. 463 
 
 It was accidental so far as I was concerned. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Do you think it was a proper 
 thing for you to allow your eyes and thoughts to 
 wander in the direction of the presentee's legs, 
 instead of engaging in the solemn seryice of 
 prayer ? 
 
 Depones — I did not say that I allowed my 
 thoughts or eyes to wander. 
 
 Interrogated — Had you two of your elders in 
 waiting when the presentee arrived 1 
 
 Depones — There were two of my elders with 
 me when he and Mr. M'Huistan came. 
 
 Interrogated — What were they there for I 
 
 Depones — They came to see whether they 
 would require to attend the pneeting of Presbytery. 
 
 Interrogated— rDid you not invite the presentee 
 to your manse, a man you did not know, for the 
 purpose of testing his powers of walking, and 
 with a view to ascertain the length of his legs, 
 and this in concert, and by arrangement with the 
 objectors 1 
 
 Depones — I did not. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Are you aware that the call is 
 signed by five hundred parishioners ? 
 
 Depones — The call will speak for itself. 
 
 Being shown the call, and the question being- 
 repeated, 
 
464 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Depones — I think there are five hundred names 
 to it, but they are not all communicants. 
 
 Interrogated — Is that call signed by two him- 
 di-ed and fifty communicants 1 
 
 Depones — ^I cannot tell until it is analyzed. 
 The objections are subscribed by the respectable 
 and intelhgent members of the congregation. 
 The others I don't think are judges of what a 
 minister ought to be. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — I am not asking you about the 
 obj actions. Moderator, I have no further questions 
 to put to this witness. 
 
 Re-examined for the objectors — I have no ill- 
 will to the presentee, and shall be glad if the objec- 
 tors come to think th^t he is a fit and proper per- 
 son to be their pastor. All which is truth, as I 
 shall answer to God. 
 
 (Signed) A. M'Cringee. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 INKHORN Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 
CHAPTER XXII. 
 
 OBJECTOKS CONTINUE THEIR EVIDENCE — DISCOVEEY OF THE 
 "YOUNG, VIGOROUS, AND ENERGETIC MINISTER" — CONSE- 
 QUENCES THEREOF — A YOUNG LADY VOLUNTEERS TO GIVE 
 TESTIMONY — INTERESTING DETAILS OF HER EXAMINATION — 
 CLOSE OF THE OBJECTORS' EVIDENCE. 
 
 " T^fi/"^^^' ^^'' Ochtertyre," said Garrempey, 
 next morniag, previous to the meeting 
 of Presbytery, " I've just learned that the next 
 witness is to be the Rev. Mr. Sneaker." 
 
 " Indeed ; and I have just received a summons 
 to attend as a witness to-day for the objectors, 
 at one o'clock." 
 
 " Have they really cited you V 
 
 « They have." 
 
 " Well, you of course know what to say." 
 
 " I have nothing but the truth to state, what- 
 ever comes out of it." 
 
 " I never saw any man walk round about the 
 
 truth in the style M'Cringer did yesterday," 
 
 observed Garrempey ; " but I think we'll trap him 
 
 yet. I suppose we can expect nothing better 
 
 from Mr. Sneaker. There's no doubt, I fancy, 
 2g 
 
466 EVIDEKCE tOR THE OBJECTOIlS. 
 
 that he's the young, vigorous, and energetic 
 minister, Avho seems to be so urgently required to 
 supply certain wants in this parishf 
 
 " There's nae doot aboot that, Mr. Garrempey," 
 said Huistan. 
 
 " We'll have great difficulty, however, in 
 getting anything out of him about himself, for 
 the majority of the Presbytery seem detei-mined 
 to keep us from proving anything which has a 
 tendency to expose the conduct of the objectors. 
 It's the most iniquitous court under heaven!" 
 continued Garrempey, warmly. " I would in- 
 finitely prefer to be tried by a court-martial, 
 composed of the most select martinets of the 
 British army, or, in fact, by a jury of coal-heavers; 
 for, in the former case one would at least be in 
 the hands of gentlemen, and in the latter, of men 
 Avhose minds would be free from bigotry and 
 intolerance. God help the man who's to be tried 
 by a Presbytery, or indeed by any com-t of the 
 church, say I ! I think, however," he added, with a 
 shake of his head, "I'll give them a fright to-day." 
 After delivering himself of these decided senti- 
 ments, Garrempey and his friends followed the 
 crowd which now began to flock into the place of 
 meeting. After the usual stereotyped prayer, the 
 proceedings began. 
 
REV. ADAM PRY SNEAKER. 467 
 
 At Veto, and within the Parish Church 
 
 there, the day of , 18 — . 
 
 Compeared — The Eev. Adam Pry Sneaker, 
 who, being solemnly sworn and examined, 
 
 Depones — I am a licentiate of the Chm-ch of 
 Scotland, and reside in Glasgow. I attended all 
 the trial discom'ses of the presentee. He preached 
 on two Sabbath days and one week day. I 
 attended the Gaelic services as well as the 
 English. I took notes, which I have with me. 
 I jotted down the texts, and some of the psalms 
 and pharaphi-ases sung. The text of the fii-st 
 Gaelic sermon was Psalm Ixix. 14. The text of 
 the English sermon was Romans xii. 13; and the 
 verses from the 5th to the 10th of the cxii. psalm 
 were sung. The text of the Gaelic sermon on 
 the second Sunday was Col. iii. 25; and the 
 verses from the 9th to the 12th of the Ixvii. 
 paraphrase were given out to be sung. The text 
 of the English sermon was Acts v. 41 ; and three 
 verses of the Ixv. paraphrase, viz., from the 5th 
 to the 8th, were given out. On the week day 
 the text of the Gaelic sermon was Luke iii, 8. I 
 have no note of the psalms. His text in English 
 was Psalm Ixxxi. 11. 
 
 Interrogated— ^What impression did the ser- 
 vices make upon yotir inind? 
 
468 EVIDEXCE FOR THE OBJECTOKS. 
 
 Depones — He did not elucidate liis texts. 
 There was a total want of connection; and his 
 manner was hurried, abrupt, and monotonous. 
 There was a want of fervour; and he failed to 
 awaken devotional feelings in my mind. His 
 prayers wanted unction very badly. 
 
 Interrogated — Did he open his eyes during 
 prayer? 
 
 Depones — He did. 
 
 Do you think his ministrations fitted to edify 
 the people of Veto? 
 
 Objected — This is mere matter of opinion. 
 The witness can only speak for himself. 
 
 Answered — The witness is in the position of 
 a man of skill, being a clergyman, and can there- 
 fore gave an opinion from what he heard. 
 
 The Presbytery, after reasoning, repel the 
 objection, which deliverance was protested, ap- 
 pealed and acquiesced in ut supra. 
 And the question being repeated, 
 Depones — I do not think his ministrations 
 fitted to edify the people of this parish. 
 
 Interrogated — Was there anything peculiar in 
 his appearance ? 
 
 Depones — He had a very formidable head of 
 red hair, a bad squint, and I remarked that he 
 had a particularly small nose. 
 
EEV. ADAM PRY SNEAKER. 469 
 
 Interrogated — Do you think it is in proportion 
 to the rest of his face 1 
 
 Depones — Decidedly not. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you observe that these 
 peculiarities attracted the attention of the con- 
 gregation, and prevented them from listening in 
 a proper frame of mind to the services *? 
 
 Depones — I did. I saw several people 
 laughing, and some parties asleep. 
 
 And you attribute these circumstances to the 
 presentee's mode of preaching, and to his peculiar 
 appearance ? 
 
 Depones — I do. And I may add that there 
 was considerable difficulty in getting some old 
 women wakened. They said it was the minister 
 that caused them to fall asleep. 
 
 Interrogated — Are you aware that the parish 
 of Veto is very rugged and hilly, and that the 
 roads are bad and steep ? 
 
 Depones — I am. 
 
 Interrogated — Do you consider that the 
 presentee is able to traverse the parish in the 
 way of house to house visitation ? 
 
 Depones — I do not. 
 
 Is it your opinion that for such a parish a 
 younger and more vigorous man is required ? 
 
 Depones — That is my decided opinion. 
 
470 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Cross-interrogated for the presentee — How 
 old are you I 
 
 Depones — I decline to answer personal 
 questions. 
 
 Interrogated — How long is it since you camo 
 to this parish 1 
 
 Depones — About six months ago. 
 
 Is Mrs. Piy, the post-mistress, yom- aunt ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 Interrogated— Have you been here for weeks 
 at a time ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 Interrogated — For what purpose were you 
 staying here so long ? 
 
 Depones — ^I decline to answer. 
 
 Was it to enjoy the society of your aunt ? 
 
 Depones — Of coui-se. 
 
 Intei-rogated — ^Dmiag yoiu- stay here have you 
 lived ia your aunt's house? 
 
 Depones — No, 
 
 You have lived in the manse ? 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Interrogated — Were you living in the parish 
 during the whole period over which the 
 presentee's discourses extended 1 
 
 Depones — No. I was part of the time in 
 Glasgow. 
 
REV, ADAM PRY SNEAKER. 471 
 
 But you made it a point to be here when he 
 yvsiB to preach I 
 
 I did not make a point of it. 
 
 But you were always here up to time? 
 
 I happened to be here. 
 
 You knew the various diets appointed for the 
 presentee to preach I 
 
 I daresay I did. 
 
 Interrogated — How did you come to take such 
 an interest in the matter as to induce you to attend 
 at the presentee's services, and to take notes ? 
 
 Oh! — (Sneaker rather confused) — -just out of 
 mere curiosity. 
 
 Interrogated — Were you accompanied by any 
 person on these occasions 1 
 
 Depones — Yes ; by several. 
 
 By any ladies ? 
 
 Yes. 
 
 You know Miss M'Corkscrew ? 
 
 I do, replied Sneaker, getting still more 
 confused. 
 
 She is the daughter of the late incumbent ? 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — "Moderator — I really 
 think this line of examination has lasted long 
 enough. The agent is going into matters with 
 which we have notliing to do, and he mujst be 
 stopped," 
 
472 EVIDENCE FOE THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "Moderator — I wish, once 
 and for all, and very respectfully, to state to this 
 reverend court that I will not submit to have my 
 client's case bm-ked by Mr. M'Cringer or any one 
 else. I am entitled to the fullest inquiry, to 
 show how the objections arose — that they have 
 been got up through causeless prejudice, or, 
 perhaps, from something worse. I may state, 
 and I do so without the least desire to intimidate 
 the court, that in view of any such attempt on 
 the part of the Presbytery, I wrote to Edinbm-gh 
 for a notary public to come here, whom I expect 
 to-day. I have farther to state that should Mr. 
 M'Cringer, or any other member of court, persist 
 in the course now attempted to be pursued, I 
 shall take a notarial protest, and then leave you 
 to deal with the case as you may think proper. 
 If the individual members of Presbytery are 
 prepared to sanction what I must call the illegal 
 and unjustifiable course contemplated by Mr. 
 M'Cringer, and to take the risk of the proceedings 
 which shall certainly follow my protest, then my 
 client will look to them conjointly and severally 
 to indemnify him for all loss and damage which 
 he may siiifer in consequence." 
 
 This intimation, conveyed in calm and tem- 
 perate language, received additional weight from 
 
REV. ADAM PRY SNEAKER. 473 
 
 tlie appearance of Mr. Vellum Brown, notary 
 public, who had just arrived by the steamer. 
 The Moderator became rather alarmed, as did 
 also several other members of com-t. They had 
 a holy horror of the Court of Session, as well 
 they might, for some of them had received 
 practical proof of its power on a former occasion. 
 M'Cringer was, however, hounded on by Mr. 
 Puncheon and his friends. 
 
 "Don't give in to this bullying," said Sheep- 
 shanks-. "We'U all stand between you and the 
 Court of Session." 
 
 " Yes, we will," said Stirk and Pimcheon. 
 
 " But I'm not very sure," obsei"ved M'Cringer, 
 secretly alarmed for himself, "that the Presby- 
 tery will support me. In fact, I think they will 
 not." 
 
 " Try it at all events," said Sheepshanks. " It 
 will never do to allow that fellow Garrempey to 
 rake up all these matters." 
 
 " Well, I'll see," repHed M'Cringer. 
 
 Moderator — " Do you insist upon your motion, 
 Mr. M'Cringer r 
 
 " Yes," said the latter, -with considerable hesi- 
 tation. 
 
 His brethren had not been unwatchful of the 
 colloquy which we have just described, and they 
 
474 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 saw that theii- leader was insisting merely out of 
 deference to the cabal. 
 
 Moderator — " I may say that I don't think you 
 should press this motion, lIi'- M'Cringer; but of 
 com-se if it's seconded it must be disposed of. 
 Does any member second it V 
 
 Nobody spoke. 
 
 Moderator — "Then the motion falls to the 
 ground," 
 
 The examination being resumed, and the ques- 
 tion being repeated, the witness depones — 
 
 Miss M'Corkscrew is the daughter of the late 
 incumbent. 
 
 Did you escort her to chm-ch on all the occa- 
 sions you have mentioned ? 
 
 Depones — She came along with the rest of us. 
 
 Interrogated — Had she your arm on these 
 occasions 1 
 
 Sneaker was observed to look imploringly at 
 the Rev. Mr. M'Cringer, but there was no sigu of 
 assistance. At last he gulped out — 
 
 She had. 
 
 Considerable tittering among the audience. 
 
 Interrogated — Was Miss M'Corkscrew one of 
 ihe parties who was laughing? 
 
 Depones — Well, I believe she was. 
 
 Interrogated— Were you laughing yovu-self? 
 
REV. ADAM PHY SNEAKER. 475 
 
 Depones — I may have smiled. I don't think I 
 was laughing. 
 
 Interrogated — You say that the services failed 
 to excite devotional feelings in your breast. Do 
 you require any extraneous aid to excite devo- 
 tion? 
 
 Depones — ^No. 
 
 Was the circumstance that you were in the 
 house of prayer, and joining in the services, not 
 enough, without anything else, to create devo- 
 tional feelings ? 
 
 Well, I should think so, but the presentee's 
 services were not calculated to do it. 
 
 You think it is necessary that there should be 
 a yoimg, vigorous, and energetic minister in the 
 parish? 
 
 Depones — I do. 
 
 Do you consider youi'self a young, vigorous, 
 and energetic minister? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 How young do you think the minister should 
 be? 
 
 Depones — I really don't know. 
 
 As young as yourself? 
 
 Depones — I can't answer that question. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " Moderator, I don't want to 
 put any questions to Mr. Sneaker as to the 
 
476 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 discourses, as they are produced, and will speak 
 for themselves. We shall have them criticised 
 probably by other than divinity students fresh 
 from the hall. I have no more questions." 
 
 Ee-EXAMINED for the objectors — I went without 
 any prejudice against the presentee to hear him 
 preach, and I gave him a fair hearing. I have no 
 animus against him. All which is truth. 
 
 (Signed) A. P. Sneaker. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 
 Mr. Poind — "Moderator, I now propose to 
 examine the presentee." (Sensation in the 
 court.) 
 
 It appears that two men had been sent fi-om 
 SnuffmuU to give evidence, but Poind, on seeing 
 them, and learning what they could say, thought 
 that they would do more harm than good, and had 
 resolved to make the presentee himself a witness. 
 
 Moderator — "It is surely unusual to examine 
 a presentee f 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer— "Oh! no. It has been 
 done in one or two cases recently." 
 
 Mr. Ochtertyre—" Moderator, I think it's a 
 very inquisitorial proceeding; but I have no 
 objections to be examined if the Presbytery 
 allow it." 
 
THE PRESENTEE. 477 
 
 The objectors fancied they saw a disposition 
 on the part of the court to dispense with the 
 examination of the presentee, and Sheepshanks 
 accordingly drew M'Cringer aside, and said, in an 
 emphatic voice, 
 
 " It must be done I" 
 
 Poind accordingly said, " Moderator, it is 
 perfectly competent by the law of Scotland to 
 examine all parties to a cause — " 
 
 Mr, Garrempey — "You needn't argue the 
 point, Mr. Poind. We offer no objection." 
 
 The proceedings being restimed. 
 
 Compeared — The Kev, Fergus Ochtertyre, 
 minister of the parish of Lochspelding, who, being 
 solemnly sworn and interrogated. 
 
 Depones — I have been minister of my present 
 parish for ten years. 
 
 Interrogated — Do you sometimes reside out ot 
 your parish? 
 
 Depones — I was obliged about a year ago to 
 take a house in Ochtertory on account of my 
 wife's health and for the education of my children. 
 I go to see them for a few day's occasionally ; but 
 that's all. 
 
 Interrogated — Are you lame in one of your 
 legal 
 
 Depones — I have a slight halt, but so slight 
 
478 EVIDENCE FOE THE OBJECTOES. 
 
 that very few people notice it. I liave no pain, 
 and I can walk as far as ever I did, I got my 
 ankle injured when a boy, and I have had a slight 
 halt siace. 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Killrussell — "Not a case o^ anchy- 
 losis I hope, Mr. Ochtertyre f 
 
 "Oh! not at all; that would be rather serious. 
 My leg is sound enough ; for that matter I can 
 show it to you, or to any surgeon you may 
 appoint." 
 
 Rev. Dr, Browser — " There's no occasion for 
 that. We have heard a good deal about noses and 
 squints. We don't want any further evidence of 
 a nosological description." 
 
 Interrogated — Have you been living at an inn 
 since you came here ? 
 
 Depones — I have. 
 
 Have you been using influence among the 
 people to get them to sign your call ? 
 
 Depones — I have not. 
 
 Interrogated— Have other people done so i 
 
 Depones-^I am not responsible for other peoplci 
 They may or may not have done soi 
 
 Have you any defect in yom* organs of uttei^ 
 ance? 
 
 Depones — ^None whatever; 
 
 Cross-examined — Since you came here wei'€> 
 
IHE PRESENTED. 479 
 
 you asked by the Eev. Mr, M'Cringer to preach 
 for him I 
 
 Depones — I was. 
 
 What did he say to you ? 
 
 He told me that the Eev. Dr. Browser had 
 asked him to preach in his church. 
 
 Are you quite sure of that 1 
 
 Perfectly. 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — I deny that I used those 
 words. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did you know anything of Mr. 
 M'Cringer previously ? 
 
 Depones — ^Nothing whatever, except that he 
 was a member of Presbytery. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did you accept his invitation ? 
 
 Depones — I did. I went to his manse on a 
 Satui'day along with Mr. M'Huistan and his man, 
 Donald. The former had been asked to dinner on 
 that day. They had some bargain to settle about 
 sheep. 
 
 How did you go 1 
 
 We walked. The distance is upwards of fifteen 
 miles. We walked over the hills the most of the 
 way* 
 
 Were you tired I 
 
 Not at alh I could have walked as far 
 agaiui 
 
4S0 ■ EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Did you afterwards walk out Avitli Mr, 
 M'Cringer 1 
 
 Depones — Yes. He took me over some very 
 rough, hilly ground in the rain, for some three or 
 four miles. 
 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer — " I deny that it was rough 
 or hilly." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Ochtertyre — " Your man knows it, Su', 
 and you Icnow it right well." 
 
 Interrogated — On your way back did you come 
 to a broad ditch ? 
 
 Depones — Yes ; it would be about thirteen feet 
 wide. 
 
 Did you leap over it 1 
 
 I did ; but Mr. M'Cringer went round about a 
 considerable way to avoid it. 
 
 Did anybody see you take the leap except Mr. 
 M'Cringer"? 
 
 Depones — His man was on the road at some 
 little distance with the gig. 
 
 Did you walk back next day to Porterbier ? 
 
 Depones — I did. 
 
 Interrogated — Are you accustomed to walk in 
 your own parish 1 
 
 Depones — I am ; and it is much more hilly and 
 steep than any hereabouts. 
 
 You staid in the manse over Saturday ? 
 
THE PEESENTEE. 481 
 
 Depones — ^I did. 
 
 Did you observe anything peculiar in Mr. 
 M'Cringer's conduct*? 
 
 Depones — Yes. I saw that he was particularly 
 anxious to get hold of my trowsers. 
 
 Kev. Mr. M'Cringer — " It's quite erroneous." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Ochtertyre — "There's nothing erro- 
 neous about it. I had been warned that your 
 object in asking me was to test my powers of 
 walking, and to ascertain about what you called 
 my ' game leg,' You tried hard to get my trowsers 
 sent down stairs, but you didn't succeed." (Roars 
 of laughter — amidst which M'Cringer sat down.) 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " I have no more questions." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — " Are ye willin' tae 
 tak'affyerhair?" 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — " You have no right, Sir, to 
 take oif anybody." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers, referring, doubtless, 
 to the doctor's song — " I jist wish ye had minded 
 that yersel', Sir, and wad let ither folk abee." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " I have no other questions." 
 
 All which is the truth. 
 
 (Signed) F. Ochtertyre. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirletwhitter, Clerk. 
 
 The object of briEiging forward M'Cringer and 
 
 ■ 2h 
 
485 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Sneaker at the outset of the evidence was plain. 
 It -was done to give the cue to those who were to 
 follow. They were all present in the church, and 
 heard the whole evidence. The difficulty now 
 was to determrne as to the further procedure to 
 be followed. It was clear that the Presbytery 
 had been considerably shaken by the threats of 
 legal proceedings, and that the objectors could 
 not calculate upon all disagreeable questions 
 being stopped. Poind thought it would be well 
 to ascertain what line the presentee would adopt 
 in his cross-examination with one of the objectors 
 who did not know too much about what had been 
 secretly done in getting up the opposition. Miss 
 M'Corkscrew, therefore, with the devotion of a 
 woman to her lover, and to her own relatives, 
 volunteered to stand the fire of Garrempey's 
 cross-questions for the sake of both. She was 
 accordingly put forward as the next witness. 
 
 Compeared — ^Miss Flora Letitia M'Corkscrew, 
 residing in the manse of Veto, who, being 
 solemnly sworn and examined, 
 
 Depones — I was present in the Parish Chui-ch 
 when the presentee delivered his trial discourses. 
 
 Interrogated — What impression did the 
 services make upon your mind ? 
 
 Depones— I was disgusted with them. There 
 
MISS FLORA LETITIA M'CORKSCREW. 483 
 
 was no connection in the sermons. His texts 
 were in some cases cliosen, and his psalms were 
 selected, to be sung with a view, in my opinion, 
 to initate those who intended to oppose him. I 
 took notes, and I can state all his texts. His &st 
 Gaelic text seemed to be aimed at our family. 
 It was " Deliver me out of the mire, and let mo 
 not sink. Let me be delivered from them that 
 hate me, and out of the deep waters." His 
 prayers were without fervour or unction, and he 
 opened his eyes. He squinted a horrible squint, 
 and roared rather than spoke. He made such a 
 snorting noise that I could not catch a word he 
 said. 
 
 Eev. Mr, M*Cringer — ^A case of Vox et proeterea 
 nihil? 
 
 Witness— What's that ? 
 
 You mean that it was a mere sound, and 
 nothing more. 
 
 Just so. He is very plain looking, and — 
 
 "Has a wife and faimilyl" said some one in 
 the gallery. 
 
 "Seelence, in the coort, or a'U pit ye a' oot!" 
 exclaimed Donald, the beadle, who had been 
 keeping himself, as he said, " a' correc." 
 
 Interrogated — Was his manner hurried and 
 abrupt? 
 
484 EVIDENCE FOE THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Depones — Very. It took a strong effort to 
 follow him, and even when you succeeded, you 
 got very Httle for your pains. He jumped from 
 one idea to another — there was no coherency in 
 his discourses, and he did not elucidate his texts 
 in the least. His services caused no devotional 
 feelings in my mind. 
 
 Interrogated — Is there anything peculiar about 
 his appearance ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. He has a very large head, 
 covered with an immense crop of the reddest and 
 roughest hair I ever saw in my life, and his nose 
 is, in my opinion, ludicrously small for the size of 
 his face. His manner was altogether so outre that 
 several people were laughing. 
 
 Interrogated — Are you aware that a number 
 of people fell asleep during the sermons 1 
 
 Depones — Yes. They were awoke with great 
 difficulty, I tried several with my vinaigrette, 
 and it was only after considerable effort that I 
 got them restored to consciousness. I remember 
 distinctly one old woman who refused to lift up 
 her head, and who said, 
 
 " Toots I let me abee. It's a' the faut o' the 
 minister!" 
 
 Interrogated — Did you remark any omission 
 in his services? 
 
MISS FLOKA LETITIA M'CORKSCREW. 483 
 
 Depones — On one occasion he read no portion 
 of the Holy Scriptures. In the first English 
 sermon, which was in Romans xii. 13, he was 
 speaking about hospitality, and it seemed to me 
 that he was aiming at our family, as we had not 
 shoTvn him any attention. 
 
 Do you think that he is a man fitted for the 
 rough work of the parish of Veto? 
 
 Depones — I do not. 
 
 Interrogated — From your knowledge of the 
 people, do you consider that the presentee is 
 fitted to edify them in spiritual matters ? 
 
 Depones — I most decidedly do not. 
 
 Cross-examined for the presentee — How long 
 have you resided in the parish? 
 
 Depones — All my life. 
 
 How many years is that? 
 
 Depones — ^I decline to answer. 
 
 Your mother and you reside in the manse? 
 
 Yes. 
 
 "And mean to do so as long as they can!" 
 called out another voice firom the gallery. 
 
 Moderator — " Really Ave must clear the court 
 if this interruption is continued." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — I think you said. Miss M'Cork- 
 screw, that you thought the text of the first 
 sermon was chosen by the presentee for the 
 
486 EVIDENCE FOE THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 purpose of irritating those who intended to oppose 
 him? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 You mean by that, yourself and yom* relatives, 
 who are objectors ? 
 
 Depones — Of course. 
 
 Are your remarks with regard to the text as 
 to hospitality applicable to the same parties ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 Then I understand you to say that, as you 
 intended to oppose him, and as you fancied he 
 was aware of that, he selected texts and psalms 
 ■with a view to irritate and provoke you ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 How did you come to oppose him ? 
 
 Oh I we just heard that he was not a good 
 preacher, and did not attend to the interests of 
 the parish he had. We had letters from SnuflFmull 
 to that effect from people we knew there. 
 
 And, said Garrempey, slily — 
 
 I suppose they would have told you that he 
 was a married man ? 
 
 Well — that is — ^I'm not sure, said Miss Flora, 
 blushing. Perhaps they did. 
 
 At all events, you soon came to know it ? 
 
 Yes, we did hear it. 
 
 There were considerable signs of annoyance 
 
MISS FLORA LETITiA M'COEKSCREW. 487 
 
 manifested by the occupants of the "Pew" at 
 these answers, but as the back of the witness was 
 turned to her friends, she did not observe their 
 looks of dissatisfaction. M'Cringer was seen to 
 bite his Kps pretty frequently. 
 
 Interrogated — Then the opinion you had formed 
 of the presentee before he preached was not in 
 any way altered ? 
 
 No; it was strengthened. 
 
 Was there a good deal of talk in the parish 
 about the presentation 1 
 
 Yes. 
 
 You and your friends would, I suppose, 
 continued Garrempey, have no hesitation in 
 mentioning to the people what you had heard 
 about the presentee ? 
 
 Depones — Certainly not. We considered it a 
 duty to do so. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — I am not finding fault with 
 you for doing it. Now, you have signed objections 
 which state that the parish requires a young, 
 vigorous, and energetic minister. Do you adhere 
 to that ? 
 
 Depones— Most certainly. 
 
 How young do you think the minister should be ? 
 
 Depones — I really don't know, Younger than 
 the presentee, at any rate. 
 
483 EVIDEKCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 You know the witness who was examined 
 before the last — the Rev, Mr, Sneaker? 
 
 The witness answered with a sHght tremor — 
 Yes. 
 
 Is he such a young man as you think would 
 suit you ? 
 
 Depones — I suppose he would, or any young 
 and vigorous minister. 
 
 Then I understand that you are not particular, 
 provided the person is young and vigorous ? 
 
 Depones — I expect him to be qualified other- 
 wise, of course. 
 
 And to be unmarried? asked Garrempey, in a 
 pawky voice. 
 
 Depones — I have no answer to make to such a 
 question. (Considerable tittering.) 
 
 Has Mr. Sneaker been residing in the manse 
 during his visit here ? 
 
 Depones — Yes. 
 
 He has an aunt living in Porterbier ? 
 
 Yes. 
 
 Does it consist with your knowledge that your 
 friends made application to Government to get 
 the parish for Mr, Sneaker before Mr. Ochtertyi-e 
 got his presentation ? 
 
 Depones — ^I know nothing personally about the 
 matter. 
 
MISS FLORA LETITIA M'CORKSCEETV. 489 
 
 Interrogated — ^If the presentee is not fitted, in 
 your opinion, to edify the people, how do you 
 account for the call being signed by four hundred 
 parishioners, while the objections have only been 
 subscribed by fifty ? 
 
 Depones — I don't know, unless they have been 
 canvassed to do it. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Were you yourself among the 
 parties who were laughing on the occasions you 
 refer to ? 
 
 Depones — ^I was, and I could not help it. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Just so. I have no more 
 questions. 
 
 Re-examined for the objectors — 
 
 Did you go to hear the presentee for the pur- 
 pose of giving him a fair hearing ? 
 
 Depones — I did. 
 
 All which is truth. 
 (Signed) F. L. M'CoRKSOREW. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 
 " She hasn't come out so well as I thought," 
 said Puncheon, moodily. " I'm afraid she's done 
 us more harm than good." 
 
 " Oh! I don't think so," said Poind, endeavour- 
 ing to look cheery, although he felt that a, faux 
 pas had been committed. 
 
490 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 " Who do yoii propose to examine next?" said 
 Sheepshanks. 
 
 " Well, I intended to examine Mr. Puncheon or 
 yourself; but, on consideration, I think I must 
 reserve you in the meantime, and take some of 
 the people." 
 
 "Ma bower," said Stirk, "is here. A think 
 he'll mak' a guid witness." 
 
 "I haven't examined him," said Poind; "but 
 if you think he'll do, we can go on with him." 
 
 " Mui-doch Grant, a witness for the objectors," 
 called out the beadle. 
 
 " Here," said Murdoch, coming forward. 
 
 Moderator — "Where do you live, Murdoch?" 
 
 " She'll be leeving, ma lord," said Mm-doch, 
 who had once been before the sheriff for 
 sheep-stealmg, and never forgot the occasion 
 — " She'll be leeving at Ballymachashaclasha- 
 clachalan." 
 
 Moderator — " Well, that is a jaw-breaker, and 
 no mistake I Can you spell it ? " 
 
 Rev. Mr. Skirleywhitter — " I know the place, 
 and can spell it quite well." 
 
 Moderator — " What do you do at this Bally- 
 machacla — ^1 — ^1 — allan 1 " 
 
 " A'm bower tae Mr. Hyland Stirk there." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — "What's a bower?" 
 
MUEDOCH GEANT. 401 
 
 Witness — " A jist hae the milk o' Mr. Stirk's 
 kye, an* pey him sae muckle for't." 
 
 Kev. Dr. Browser — "We must make this plain, 
 that they may understand it in the Assembly. I 
 never heard of such a personage before as a 
 bower." 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Kilh-ussell— « Why, Doctor, it's 
 the same as the word Boor or Boer in platt deutsch, 
 or Bauer in hoch deutsch, signifying a farm servant, 
 or one who has charge of cattle. Of course it is 
 derived from the Greek iSoCj — ^then we have the 
 Latin Bos, and the French Boeuf. The Scotch 
 bower is derived from the Saxon." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — "Exactly; but it seems 
 here to signify something dififerent. Do you feed 
 the cattle, Mm-doch?" 
 
 "Na!" replied the bower, who was sitting 
 with his mouth and eyes distended, looking fi-om 
 one to another, wondering what the discussion 
 was all about, and what Greek and Latin had to 
 do with his occupation. "Mr. Stu-k feeds and 
 tak's care o' them hisel', an' a jist pey a soum o' 
 money for the milk." 
 
 "Rev. Dr. Browser—" \^'ho milks the cows?" 
 
 Witness— "A dae." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Browser — "I don't think the Assembly 
 will understand the term bower without an 
 
492 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTOES. 
 
 explanation. Perhaps some member of Presby- 
 tery would suggest one." 
 
 Rev. Mr. Mackintrowsers — " Weel, Moderator, 
 I theenk — yays — I theenk — that as Mr. Stirk is 
 tainant o' the land, the booer — yays — the booer 
 could be ca'ad the tainant o' the meelk." (Great 
 laughter from all parts of the chiurch.) 
 
 Eev. Dr. Totty M'Kilkussell— " I'm afraid, Mr. 
 Mackintrowsers, we can't adopt your definition. 
 I don't think there will be any difficulty 
 experienced by the Assembly about it," 
 
 The witness being solemnly sworn and examined. 
 
 Depones — A hae been bower to Mr. Hyland 
 Stirk for aboot four years, an' a'm a communicant 
 in the pairish church. A was at some o' his trial 
 discoorses, but no the haill o' them. 
 
 Interrogated — Were the sennons connected 1 
 
 Depones — I dinna think it. 
 
 Were they abrupt ? 
 
 Depones — ^Ay. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did they give you any instruc- 
 tion? 
 
 Depones — Ou ay. 
 
 At this answer, little Stii-k roared out, "He 
 disna onderstaun ye." 
 
 Mr. Poind — Murdoch, I don't think you 
 comprehend what I mean ? 
 
MURDOCH GRANT. 493 
 
 Witness — Weel, may be. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did the sermons satisfy you 1 
 
 Depones — Weel, no a' thegither. A hae heerd 
 better whiles. 
 
 " This will never do," whispered Sheepshanks 
 to Stirk, "I thought you could reckon upon 
 this man." 
 
 "So a can, but he's no exeminin' him pro- 
 perly." 
 
 " Well, it can't be helped now," said the other, 
 looking anything but pleased. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you pay attention to his 
 prayers ? 
 
 Depones — ^Ay. 
 
 Were you pleased with them ? 
 
 Depones — 'No verra muckle. 
 
 What sort of prayers were they ? 
 
 Depones — Jist the ordnar kind. 
 
 Did the presentee open his eyes ? 
 
 Depones — Whiles. 
 
 How often ? 
 
 Depones — ^A dinna ken. A saw him wanst, 
 whan there was a noise o' folk on the stairs. 
 
 Did his manner of preaching distract your 
 attention ? 
 
 Depones — ^No that a mind o'. 
 
 Could you follow him ? 
 
494 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Ou ay. 
 
 Interrogated — Did lie speak fast 1 
 
 Depones — Raither. 
 
 Were his prayers wanting in unction ? 
 
 Depones — ^Ay. 
 
 Interrogated — Did he elucidate his texts pro- 
 perly ? 
 
 Depones — A think no. 
 
 Was there anything peculiar about his appear- 
 ance? 
 
 Witness — ^A dinna tak' ye up. 
 
 Has he red hair ? 
 
 Depones — ^A tliink sae. 
 
 Does he squint ? 
 
 Depones^-A'ra no verra sm-e. A was sitten 
 raither far back, 
 
 Interrogated— Is his nose too small for the size 
 of his face ? 
 
 Depones — A wasna' thinkin' aboot his nose. 
 
 You think that his services were not such aa 
 would edify the people of Veto ? 
 
 Depones — A hae heerd better. 
 
 Interrogated — Is the parish of Veto very rough, 
 and are the roads steep ? 
 
 Depones — Raither ; but a've seen waur. 
 
 You signed the objections and adhere to 
 them"? 
 
MURDOCH GEANT. 495 
 
 Depones — Ay. 
 
 You were paying every attention, and you can 
 give tlie texts and psalms 1 
 
 Ou ay. (Witness here repeated the texts and 
 psalms.) 
 
 Interrogated — Did you observe any people 
 sleeping ? 
 
 Ay, that's ower aften the case. 
 
 "I'm afraid, Mr. Puncheon," said Poind, in a 
 whisper, we cannot make much of this witness. I 
 thmk I'll stop." 
 
 " Very well," replied the other. 
 
 Mr. Poind — I have no further questions. 
 
 Cross-examined for the presentee. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Well, Murdoch, did you take 
 any notes of the sermons ? 
 
 Murdoch, whose knowledge of notes extended 
 no further than handling bank notes, asked, 
 
 Did a tak' what ? 
 
 Did you put down in writing anything you 
 heard the presentee preach ? 
 
 Depones — "No me. 
 
 Then how do you come to give the texts and 
 psalms so readily ? 
 
 Murdoch (evidently flustered) — Ou, ye see — 
 then with a sudden stop, — she'll no onderstaun, 
 her English's maist dime. 
 
408 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Come now, Sir, reaoUect you're upon your oath, 
 and that other witnesses are to be examined as to 
 this. 
 
 Mr. Poind — There's no occasion to frighten the 
 witness. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Did anybody give you the 
 texts recently to commit to memory 1 
 
 Witness — Am a obleeged tae answer that 
 question 1 Am feered am beginnin' no tae 
 unerstaun'. Railly, her English's maist dune. 
 
 Moderator — You must try, Murdoch, to 
 remember a little more English, and to tell 
 the truth, but we can examine you in Gaehc 
 through a sworn interpreter if you like. 
 
 Aweel, if she maun answer — a got the texts 
 last nicht frae Mr, Stirk. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — Just so ; and if you hadn't 
 you could not, I suppose, have told us what they 
 were? 
 
 A jaloose no. 
 
 Interrogated — Can you tell what the presentee 
 was preaching about ? 
 
 Ou ay. He was telling us aboot oor sins, an' 
 that we sud a' repent. 
 
 But do you not know what was the subject of 
 his texts ? 
 
 Depones — ^No the noo. 
 
MURDOCH GRANT. 497 
 
 What do you mean '^y saying that the 
 sermons were not connected ? 
 
 Depones — Weel, jist that they werena 
 conneckit weel emich. A thocht he micht hae 
 made mair oot o' them. 
 
 What do you mean by abrupt "? 
 
 A think it's roun' aboot. 
 
 Were the sermons long ? 
 
 Na. 
 
 Well, what was the matter with them ? 
 
 Depones — A canna verra weel say. They 
 didna please me muckle. 
 
 You say the prayers wanted unction ? 
 
 Ay. 
 
 What's the meaning of unction ? 
 
 Murdoch scratched his head and looked 
 puzzled. 
 
 At last he said, with some hesitation — 
 
 A think it's a sort o' ointment. 
 
 Moderator — How did you come to learn that, 
 Murdoch? 
 
 Well, an acquantance o' mine telt me sae the 
 ither day. 
 
 Does he belong to the Parish Church ? 
 
 Na; he's a Papish. 
 
 Moderator — I thought as much. You should 
 
 have nothing to do with such characters, Murdoch. 
 2l 
 
498 EVIDENCE FOR THE OBJECTORS. 
 
 Ou, he's a verra deeent man, Sir. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — ^Did you ever read the objec- 
 tions over before you signed them? 
 
 Na; Mr. Stirk tauld me it was a' richt. 
 
 Dr. Totty M'Kilhnissell — " I suppose vre must 
 infer from the witness' name that he took it for 
 granted." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — ^Now, Murdoch, I'm going to 
 ask you a question which you needn't answer unless 
 you like — Were you ever tried and convicted for 
 sheep-stealing ? 
 
 Weel, a'm no gaun tae tell a lee aboot it. A 
 was ; but it's a lang time sin', whan a was young 
 an' foolish, but a hae been an honest man sin' 
 Byne. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — I have no more questions. 
 
 All which is truth. 
 (Signed) M. Grant. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 
CHAPTER XXII L 
 
 EVIDENCE FOR THE PRESENTEE— HUISTAN M'HUISTAN GIVES THE 
 PEESBYTEKY OF DUNDERHEAD A BIT OF HIS MIND — SCENES 
 DURING HIS EXAMINATION— MB. SHARPER POIND RECEIVES 
 SOME SHARP RUBS— CONCLUSION OF THE EVIDENCE. 
 
 A FTER the examination of the last witness, the 
 ■^^ objectors held a consultation to determine 
 upon their future course. 
 
 "How do you intend to proceed now, Mn 
 Poind f said Sheepshanks. 
 
 " Well, I thinlc I must just examine one or two 
 of yourselves." 
 
 "The only awkward thing," observed Puncheon, 
 "is that matter of our appHcation to the Lord 
 Advocate on behalf of Mr. Sneaker. I took rather 
 too prominent a part, to be able to get out of it, 
 if I'm examined. Were it not for that, and one 
 or two other things I would rather not be asked 
 about, I would willingly go foi-ward." 
 
 " Well," said Sheepshanks, " I'll go. I Was not 
 at home when you took these steps, and I can, of 
 coui'se, say that I have no personal knowledge df 
 them." 
 
500 RENOUNCE PROBATION. 
 
 "So can a," said Stirk; "A recoUec' a was at 
 the Fa'kirk Tryet." 
 
 " Well, gentlemen, you see how matters stand. 
 You'll be tightly cross-examined. The Presby- 
 tery are afraid to interfere further on our behalf. 
 Quaighhom and Fillyerglass can come after you, 
 and then we will complete our evidence -with a 
 dozen or so of the most intelligent of the common 
 people." 
 
 It is not our intention to go further into the 
 evidence led for the objectors, as it was merely a 
 repetition of what we have already given. Suffice 
 it to say that they examined upwards of thirty 
 witnesses, and having got the Presbytery to 
 analyze the call, they closed their case. Imme- 
 diately on the objectors renouncing probation in 
 chief, the Presbytery proceeded to take evidence 
 for the presentee. Garrempey had carefully 
 precognosced his witnesses. They had, besides, 
 the advantage of hearing the whole evidence for 
 the objectors. The continued reference to texts 
 and psalms had impressed them upon their minds, 
 and they had thus become thoroughly familiar 
 with the different points upon which they were 
 likely to be cross-examined. They had also been 
 assiduously drilled in the general doctrines of the 
 church, and the constituent parts of prayer. 
 
EVIDENCE FOR THE PRESENTEE. 601 
 
 Some of the more zealous did what they had 
 probably not done since they had found them- 
 Belves 
 
 " Creeping like snail unwillingly to school ;'' 
 
 that is, they went carefully over the Shorter 
 Catechism, and had become more than a match 
 for Poind, in Dogmatic Theology. We have now 
 to deal with the evidence for the presentee, which 
 we give, as in the case of the last witness, just as 
 spoken by the witnesses, although it was not 
 taken down so in the record of evidence. 
 
 EVIDENCE FOR THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 Compeared — Huistan M'Huistan, innkeeper, 
 Porterbier, who, being solemnly sworn and 
 examined as a witness for the presentee. 
 
 Depones — ^I hae leeved in the village o' Porter- 
 bier a' my life. A ken the pauish o' Veto 
 perfectly weel, an' a' the pairishes aboot. 
 
 Interrogated — Is it of the character described 
 in the objections I 
 
 Depones — ^Na. It's nae mair hilly nor steep 
 nor ony o' the ither pairishes. There's far warn* 
 pairishes tae walk ower than this ane. The 
 paiiish o' Ochonochree's a heep waur nor Veto. 
 
 Kev. Mr. M'Cringer — " I deny that," 
 
502 EVIDENCE FOR THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 Huistan — " Ye needna fash denyin't. A' body 
 kens't," 
 
 Interrogated — Do you know the parish of 
 Lochepelding ? 
 
 Depones — ^A dae, A hae been there mony a 
 time. 
 
 What sort of a parish is it in comparison with 
 Veto? 
 
 Depones — It's five times mair difHcult tae 
 traivel ower nor this ane; the roads are ven-a 
 bad, an' a heep steeper nor oors. 
 
 You know the presentee? 
 
 A dae that. He's been stayin' in ma hoose 
 sin he cam' here, but a didna ken him afore 
 that, altho' a heerd a great deal aboot him 
 being an excellent minister, an' a great Gaalio 
 scholard. 
 
 Interrogated — Have you seen him walk? 
 
 Depones — Mony a time. A walked alang wi' 
 him frae ma ain door tae Mr. M'Ci-inger's manse, 
 aboot sax weeks syne. The distance is aboot 
 fifteen or saxteen miles. We gaed ower the hills 
 pairt o' the wey. 
 
 How did he walk? 
 
 Depones — He walked as weel's me or the man 
 wha was wi' us. 
 
 Interrogated — Did he seem tired? 
 
HUISTAN M'HUISTAN. 603 
 
 No the least; an' a believe he cud hae walked 
 back again easy emich. 
 
 Interrogated — Do you know that certain 
 parties in the parish got up an opposition to the 
 presentee before he came here to preach ? 
 
 Mr. Poind — " Moderator, I must object to this 
 question; it is incompetent." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "The Moderator and the Pres- 
 bytery know too well, IVIi-. Poind, that no question 
 could be more competent under Lord Aberdeen's 
 Act. It is essential to know whether the objec- 
 tions have arisen from causeless prejudice or — " 
 
 Moderator — "You needn't argue the point, 
 Mr. Garrempey; we are quite clear that we must 
 allow the question. I don't think, Mr. Poind, you 
 should insist." 
 
 Mr. Poind—" Very well." 
 
 And the question being repeated. 
 
 Depones — ^A ken that the opposition was got 
 up afore the presentee cam' here. 
 
 How do you know that? 
 
 Depones — Because a was axed tae attend a 
 meetin' aboot it. 
 
 Did you go to the meeting? 
 
 Depones — ^A did. 
 
 Interrogated — Whom did you see there? 
 
 Depones — ^A' the folk in the box ower there 
 
e04 EVIDENCE FOR THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 (pointing to wliere Puncheon and his friends were 
 sitting). 
 
 Dark and sinister looks were directed to 
 Huistan as he pointed, with a comical gidn, to 
 the pew. 
 
 " Tam the fallowl" whispered Stirk; "he's 
 gaun tae dae iis a heep o' hairm!" 
 
 " Did you see his laird," said Sheepshanks to 
 Puncheon, " about spoiling his lease V 
 
 " I did, but he'd been there before me, and got 
 it signed." 
 
 "What a pity!" muttered Sheepshanks, "He's 
 a cunning rascal." 
 
 Interrogated — Did the parties you have 
 referred to agree to oppose the presentee ? 
 
 Depones — They did. They tauld me he was 
 a bad preecher, that he had the pairish o' Loch- 
 spelding, and that he didna attend tae't properly. 
 They said, tae, he w^as a lameter, an' past the 
 prime o' life. 
 
 Interrogated — Was there any application made 
 to the Lord Advocate previously for the appoint- 
 ment of any other person ? 
 
 The parties in the "box ower there," as 
 Huistan called it, were thrown into a state of 
 gi-eat consternation at the com-se which was being- 
 pursued on behalf of the presentee. Puncheon 
 
HUISTAN M'HUISTAK 605 
 
 rushed over to Poind in a state of great excite- 
 ment, and whispered, but loud enough to be 
 heard by Garrempey, " Yovi must stop this." 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "Neither you nor your agent, 
 nor any one else, shall stop this, Mr. Puncheon. 
 I heard what you said. You had better go back 
 to your seat, Sii'. You will find I am not to be 
 trifled with." 
 
 Eev. Mr. M'Cringer — " I thinli, Moderator, that 
 this inquiry is incompetent." 
 
 Moderator — "Pm afraid, Mr. M'Cringer, we 
 must allow it to go on." ' 
 
 Eev. Dr. Browser — " There can be no doubt 
 about it. It is absolutely necessary that the 
 fullest inquiry should be permitted. I for one 
 will not be responsible should the Presbytery 
 determine otherwise." 
 
 Rev. Dr. Totty M'Killrussell — "I quite con- 
 cm-." 
 
 Eev. Mr. Bouncer — " So do I, Pm hot going 
 to give any occasion for the intervention of the 
 civil power." 
 
 The other members of Presbytery, after these 
 expressions of opinion, were deterred from 
 supporting M'Cringer, who, seeing how things 
 stood, did not press the matter further. 
 
 The question being repeated, 
 
600 EVIDENCE FOK THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 The witness depones— There was application 
 made tae the Lord Advocat. 
 
 At this stage, Sneaker was observed stealthily 
 to leave the church. 
 
 "He's snealdng awa'," whispered Huistan to 
 one of his supporters. 
 
 Did you see the application ? 
 
 Depones — A did, and a was axed tae sign't. 
 
 Interrogated — In whose favour was it made? 
 
 Not a sound could be heard after this question 
 was put. 
 
 Depones — It was in favours o' the Eev. Mr. 
 Sneaker. 
 
 At this announcement, as Huistan afterwards 
 said, he heard a great souch, as of people who had 
 been keeping in their breath, and then a confused 
 murmuring noise filled the church. 
 
 InteiTogated — ^Did you sign the paper in favour 
 of Mr. Sneaker? 
 
 Depones — A did not. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did you attend another meet- 
 ing, after the presentee had preached, got up for 
 the purpose of continuing the opposition ? 
 
 Depones — A did. It was a very crooded 
 meetin'. 
 
 Who was chairman 1 
 
 Depones — Hyland Stirk. 
 
HUISTAN M'HUTSTAN, 507 
 
 A canna see his heed the noo, the witness 
 added. This was said with a look and tone of 
 contempt, evidently caused by Stirk's diminutive 
 stature. In an instant this fiery little Celt 
 appeared on bis legs, and shouted in a defiant 
 voice, 
 
 "What hae ye tae say aboot mel" 
 
 Huistan — Oul ye're there, are ye ? A hae nae- 
 thing verra guid tae say aboot ye. 
 
 Interrogated — Were the parties you have 
 named before at this meeting also ? 
 
 Ou ay; an' the Rev. Mr. Sneaker an' Miss 
 M'Corkscrew. They cam' tae the meetin' cleekit 
 thegither, an' they sat close tae ane anither the 
 haill time. 
 
 Great was the mirth among the young ladies 
 at this answer. Miss M'Corkscrew had previously 
 drawn down her veil. 
 
 Interrogated — W^hat was the result of this 
 meeting? 
 
 Depones — The objectors did an' said a' they 
 cud agin' the presentee, but the people beat them, 
 an' cairried their motion in favours o' Mr. Ochter- 
 tyre. 
 
 Interi'ogated — Did you hear the presentee's 
 trial discourses'? 
 
 Depones — A did. 
 
508 EVIDENCE FOR THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 What did you think of them ? 
 Depones — ^A ne'er heerd better Gaalic sermons 
 nor prayers a' ma Hfe. A can read, write, an' 
 speak the Gaalic. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you attend the EngUsh 
 services ? 
 
 Depones — A did. 
 
 What opinion did you form of them ? 
 
 Depones — They were as guid, if no better, nor 
 the maist a hae heerd in oor Idrk. 
 
 Interrogated — What impressions did the sei'- 
 mons make upon you? 
 
 Depones — The proper feelings that folk sud 
 hae at public worship. 
 
 Did you feel that you were edified, and that 
 the minister gave expression to your wants and 
 petitions'? 
 
 Depones — ^A did that indeed. 
 
 Did you think that there was any want of 
 warmth or earnestness in the preacher] 
 
 Depones — A never saw a man mair earnest in 
 what he said. 
 
 InteiTogated — Was the axidience quiet and 
 attentive? 
 
 Depones — Ou ay; benna the folk ower there, 
 wha were a' laixchin' an' speakin' jist as if they'd 
 been in a playhoose instead o' a kirk. 
 
HUISTAN M'HUTSTAN. 509 
 
 "It's a lie, Sir!" exclaimed Puncheon, rising 
 in great wi-ath. 
 
 " It's nae a lie," called out several voices from 
 among the audience. One individual was heard 
 to say, "Everybody saw you. It was scandalous 
 conduct." 
 
 Great confusion now ensued. Donald M'Wheesht 
 was busy calling out at intervals, " Seelence, or 
 I'll pit ye a' oot ! " Huistan was on his legs, tower- 
 ing above the crowd, gesticulating and shaking 
 his large fist in the direction of the " follis ower 
 there," while Puncheon and Stirk, mounted on 
 the pew table, were going through similar gym- 
 nastic evolutions in their entrenchments. 
 
 Several members of Presbytery were obliged 
 to leave their box and to go among the parties 
 to restore order. They succeeded at last. 
 Garrempey managed, by dint of strenuous 
 tugging at Huistan's coat-tails, to bring that 
 Goliath to an anchor. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you see anybody asleep? 
 
 Depones — ^Ay; a wheen auld wives wha ap- 
 peeringly canna sleep onywhere but in the kirk. 
 
 Mr. GaiTcmpey — ^Now, Mr. M'Huistan, I sup- 
 pose you know the people of this parish very well? 
 
 Depones — ^A ken every mither's son o' them, an' 
 a min' Mr. Puncheon's faither when he was only a — 
 
Bio EVIDENCE FOE THE PEESENTEfi. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — ^Never mind that. 
 
 Is it your opinion that the great majority of 
 the people are in favour of the presentee? 
 
 There's naething shurer nor that, for haena 
 five hundred o' them signed the ca'? Ay, an' a 
 guid lock mail' wud hae dune sae but for fear o' 
 some folk a ken. 
 
 Interrogated — Is there any other reason why 
 more names are not adhibited to the call 1 
 
 Depones — ^Ay. The ca' sud hae been left wi' 
 the pairish schulemaister at Porterbier, whar the 
 great buik o' the people leeve, but instead o' that 
 it was gien tae Mr. Leonard Smites, wha teaches 
 a private schule, an' wha's hoose is twa-three 
 mile awa'. Whan the folk gaed there they was 
 tauld he wasna' at hame. A hae nae doot he 
 keepit awa on pm'pose, accordin' tae instructions. 
 
 Mr. Smites — " You have no right to make such 
 an iasinuation, Sir." 
 
 The appearance of this indivdual Was gi'eeted 
 with a storm of hisses. 
 
 Huistan — " Ye did a' in yottr pooer, whan some 
 o' the folk did catch ye, tae mak' them believe it 
 was only communicants wha cud sign." 
 
 "He did that," said a woman ia the back 
 seats. 
 
 Interrogated — Is it your deliberate opinion, 
 
flUiSTAN M'HUISTAN. 611 
 
 from what you know of the people and the 
 presentee, that he is fitted to make a good and 
 useful minister for them ? 
 
 Depones — There's nae doot o't. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Do you recoUect of meeting the 
 Rev, Mr. M'Cringer in the village of Porterbier 
 some six weeks ago about a bargain of sheep ? 
 
 The reverend gentleman was here observed to 
 become very fidgetty, and to whisper something 
 to Poind. 
 
 Depones — ^Ay ; A remember it weel. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did he upon that — 
 
 Mr. Poind — "Really, Moderator, I must object 
 to this line of examination. It has nothing to do 
 with the merits of the case." 
 
 Moderator — "What do you say to that, Mr. 
 Garrempey V 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — " I presimie. Moderator, that 
 we have a conjunct probation. Is there any doubt 
 of that r 
 
 Moderator — " None whatever." 
 
 Mr. Gan-empey — " Well, then, if you turn to 
 Mr. M'Cringer's evidence, you will see that he 
 refers to this meeting, and gives his own account 
 of it. I am, therefore, clearly entitled to lead this 
 evidence in — " 
 
 Moderator — " You need go no further; I can- 
 
512 EVIDENCE FOB. THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 not see how it can be objected to. You had better 
 not insist, Mr. Poind." 
 
 Interrogated — Did you upon that occasion 
 hear Mr. M'Cringer say that he had been asked by 
 the Kev. Dr. Browser to preach for him? 
 
 Depones — ^A did. He said it in presence o' 
 Airchy Campbell and Jock M'Whannel. 
 
 Eev. Mr. M'Cringer rising, and very much 
 excited — "There must be some very great mis- 
 take." 
 
 Huistan — " A veiTa great mistake, nae doot, to 
 state what wasna true." 
 
 Interrogated — ^Do you know the parties who 
 have signed the call *? 
 
 Depones — ^Every ane o' them. 
 
 Do they attend the parish church ? 
 
 Depones — Reglar. 
 
 How many of them are communicants 1 
 
 Depones — ^Aboot twa hundret an' fifty. 
 
 Interrogated — Do you know those who have 
 signed the objections? 
 
 Depones — Brawly. There's only fifty o' them, 
 an' they're a' mair or less under the thoomb o' the 
 folks ower the wey. 
 
 Interrogated — How many people in the parish, 
 so far as you know, don't understand GaeUc? 
 
 Depones — ^Aboot a dozen. 
 
HUISTAN M'HUISTAN. 513 
 
 Then, I understand you to say that it is a 
 Gaelic-speaking parish? 
 
 Naebody doots that. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey — "Moderator, I have no further 
 questions." 
 
 Cross-examined for the objectors — You're an 
 inn-keeper in Porterbierl 
 
 Ay; but a'm mair nor that. The inns an' 
 grounds belang tae mysel'; an' a hae a laii-ge 
 fairm, for which a pey £500 a year o' rent, Mr. 
 Poind. 
 
 Have you taken a great interest in this case? 
 
 Depones — A hae; an' a think it's the duty o' 
 every parishioner tae dae sae. 
 
 Mr. Poind — ^I'm not asking you about your duty. 
 
 Huistan — But a'm telling ye. 
 
 Interrogated — Have you done all in your 
 power to help the presentee ? 
 
 Depones — ^A hae ; an' he deserves a' a can dae 
 fur him. 
 
 Mr. Poind — "Just answer my questions, 
 Huistan." 
 
 Huistan — "Mr. M'Huistan, if ye please, Sir. 
 A've as guid a richt tae be ca'ad ' Mr.' as ony bit 
 writer body frae Glasgae." 
 
 Mr. Poind — "I appeal to the court for 
 
 protection," 
 
 2k 
 
514 EVIDENCE FOE THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 Huistan — "Ye hae nae buzziness to ca' me 
 Huistan," 
 
 InteiTOgated — Did you go about getting 
 people to sign tbe call ? 
 
 Depones — A did ; an' am only sorry that yer 
 ireen, Mr. Smites, keepit me frae getting mair. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you use influence to get 
 them to sign? 
 
 Depones — ^Na, Sii", A didna copy yer freens 
 in that. 
 
 Interrogated — Did you give them whislty? 
 
 Depones — ^A gied naebody whuskey tae sign 
 the ca'; but a ken some folk wha gied people 
 draff tae sign the objections. (Sensation.) 
 
 Interrogated — You say you were satisfied with 
 the presentee's services, including his prayers. 
 Can you tell us what are the constituent elements 
 of prayer? 
 
 Depones — Prayers ocht tae consist o' adora- 
 tion, confession o' sins, supplication, intercession, 
 an' thanksgiving? 
 
 Interrogated — Were all these included in the 
 prayers you heard? 
 
 Depones — They were sae, indeed. 
 
 Did the presentee open his eyes during prayer ? 
 
 Depones — Ance or twice, a think; but a hae 
 seen ither ministers dae eae far aftener. 
 
HUISTAN M'HUISTAN, 613 
 
 Interrogated — Who have you seen doing so 1 
 
 Depones — The Eev. Mr. M'Cringer there, is ane o' 
 the greatest blinkers a ever seed. (Great laughter.) 
 
 The reverend gentleman looked at Poind with 
 an expression anything but grate&l. 
 
 Were not the discourses abrupt and uncon- 
 nected, and the texts inapplicable 1 
 
 Depones — ^Naething o' the kind. They were 
 as weel conneckit as ony discoorses a hae been ia 
 the habit o' hearin'. 
 
 Interrogated — Does not the presentee speak 
 hurriedly and with too loud a voice ? 
 
 Depones — He does not. His voice is lood, but 
 no too lood. 
 
 Has he red hair? 
 
 Depones — Ay ; but what o' that ? 
 
 Does he squint 1 
 
 Depones — A wee. 
 
 Is his nose too small for the size of his face ? 
 
 Depones— That's a maiter o' taste, A beerd a 
 lady say the ither day she thocht yours was a heep 
 ower lairge. 
 
 This answer came like a thunder clap upoq 
 poor Poind, who certainly had plenty of nose, Ha 
 saw -Miss M'Phillabeg and several othe? hdim in 
 fits of laughter. So, in a hurrie^ &pd flusterf^ 
 manner he said. 
 
516 EVIDENCE FOE THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 " Moderator, I see this witness is determined 
 not merely to equivocate, but to be impertinent, 
 BO I sliall put no more questions to him." 
 
 " A'm muokle obleeged tae ye," said Huistan. 
 Moderator — "Is there any member of court 
 who would Hke to put further questions f 
 
 Nobody having answered, the clerk finished 
 with the usual — All which is truth. 
 (Signed) H. M'HuiSTAN. 
 
 T, M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 Compeared — The Rev. Dr. Browser, minister 
 of the Parish of Blairorgan, who, being solemnly 
 sworn and examined, 
 
 Depones — I never asked the Rev. Alister 
 M'Cringer to preach for me. 
 All which is truth. 
 (Signed) P. BROWSER. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 Compeared — ^Archibald Campbell, cattle dealer, 
 Porterbier, who being solemnly sworn and in- 
 terrogated, . 
 
 Depones — A recoUec' meetin' the Rev. Mi-. 
 M'Cringer an' Mr. M'Huistan in the village, aboot 
 sax weeks ago. They were makin' a bargain 
 aboot sheep. A heerd Mr. M'Cringer sayin' he 
 
A. CAMPBELL AND J. M'WHANNEL. 517 
 
 was tae preecli for the Rev, Dr. Browser first 
 Sabbath. 
 
 Who was there besides those you have men- 
 tioned? 
 
 Depones — Jock M'Whannel. 
 
 Mr Poind — "I have no questions. I believe it's 
 a conspiracy against the reverend gentleman." 
 
 Witness — " It's as true's death." All which is 
 truth. 
 
 (Signed) A. Campbell. 
 
 T. M'Slyket, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitteb, Clerk. 
 
 M'Whannel gave evidence to the same effect. 
 
 Compeared — Donald Frisheal, assistant to Mr. 
 M'Huistan, innkeeper, Porterbier, who, being 
 solemnly sworn and examined. 
 
 Depones — A was born and brocht up in the 
 pairish o' Veto, an' ken a' the folks in't. They 
 wud a' sign for the presentee, if they had their 
 wey. It's no a verra hilly pairish. A walked wi' 
 Mr. M'Huistan an' the presentee frae Porterbier 
 tae Mr. M'Cringer's manse, maistly ower the hills. 
 It's aboot fifteen or saxteen mile awa. The pre- 
 sentee walked back wi' me next day. He can 
 walk as weel's me. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did you attend the trial services 1 
 
 Depones — ^A did. A never heerd better in oor 
 
518 EVIDENCE FOE, THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 kirk at ony rate. A min' a wheen o' the texts an' 
 psalms, but no tlie haill o' them. They were 
 qtdte weel conneckit, in ma opinion. It's verra 
 easy to fin' faut when a body wishes tae dae sae. 
 Every ane wha spoke tae me aboot the services 
 was verra weel pleesed, excep' the objectors. 
 A'm a communicant. 
 
 Cross-examined for the objectors. 
 
 Had you a bastard child, Donald ? 
 
 Did ye'U ever had ony yersel'? said Donald, 
 fm-iously. Ye look mair like a wuman nor me. 
 (Laughter.) 
 
 I mean, said Pomdj a little flustered, was there 
 a girl in the village who had a chUd lately, of 
 which you are the father ? 
 
 Ye'U better gang and ax her wha's the faither 1 
 said Donald, recovering his coolness. 
 
 Recollect, Sir, said Poind, with a look intended 
 to be mightily severe, that you're upon your 
 oath. 
 
 A ken that as weel's you, replied the witness. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Do you refuse to answer the 
 question ? 
 
 Ye'd better gang an' ax Mr. Puncheon's servant 
 girl that ye were kissin' at the back o' the gaii-den 
 hedge the ither nicht. 
 
 Poind was completely staggered by this un- 
 
DONALD PEISHEAL. S19 
 
 expected answer, while the audience were in roars 
 of laughter. 
 
 Miss M'Phillabeg appeared to enjoy the scene 
 amazingly. 
 
 " Moderator," at length gasped out Poind, 
 " This individual is endeavouring to screen him- 
 self by defaming my character. I fully believe 
 that the witnesses for the presentee have formed 
 a conspiracy to injure the character of all who are 
 opposed to them." 
 
 Witness — " Naething o' the kind. Sir. A saw 
 ye mysel', an' if the lassie was here, a believe she 
 wadna deny't. Ye hae nae richt. Sir, to try an' 
 hurt ma karacter, which is as guid, an' may be a 
 heep better nor yours, if a' things was kent." 
 
 " I don't believe a word this fellow has spoken," 
 said Puncheon. 
 
 " A dinna care a tinkler's whussel whether ye 
 dae or no. Altho' some folks are feared for ye, 
 am no ane o' them." 
 
 Moderator — " We must really put an end to 
 this. I suppose you have no more qiiestions, Mr. 
 Poind?" 
 
 " No." All which is truth. 
 (Signed) D. Frisheal. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, Clerk. 
 
520 EVIDENCE FOE THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 The next witness filled the hearts of the 
 objectors with dismay. Jessie Macgregor was 
 called and took her seat. 
 
 " I say, Porter, what the deuce is the meaning 
 of this ? Why, here's your servant," said Sheep- 
 shanks. 
 
 " Blessed if I know," said that placid individual. 
 " She gave me warning that she intends to leave 
 next week, that's all I know about the matter." 
 
 Compeared — Jessie Macgregor, domestic ser- 
 vant with Mr. Porter, Brewer, Veto, who, being 
 solemnly sworn and examined. 
 
 Depones — ^A hae been in Mr. Porter's service 
 for aboot twa years, an' a'm lea'in' there next 
 week, A hae seen the Rev. Mr. M'Cringer, Mr. 
 Puncheon, Mr. Sheepshanks, Mr. Stirk, an' ithers, 
 in Mr. Porter's hoose, gey an' aften sin the pairish 
 becam' vacant. They were makin' oot objactions 
 agin' the presentee one time they were there. A 
 heerd them readin' them, an' Mr. M'Cringer was 
 writin' them an' makin' changes. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Are you sure of that ? 
 
 Depones — ^As shure's am here. 
 
 Mr. Puncheon (to Sheepshanks), "0, the 
 limmer ; who would have thought of this I" 
 
 How did you happen to see and hear what you 
 have stated ? 
 
JESSIE MACGREGOE. 521 
 
 Depones — ^A was aye bringin' het water intill 
 the room for their toddy, an' waitin' the table. 
 
 Interrogated— Do you know anything of the 
 reason why the presentee was invited to preach 
 at Ochonochree ? 
 
 Depones — Ou ay. They wantit tae ken hoo 
 he cud walk ower the warst part o' the pairish, 
 an' tae tak' the measure o' his breeks. (Great 
 laughter.) 
 
 Did you hear this spoken about at the meetings 
 you have referred to? 
 
 Depones — A did that, an' a thocht it ma duty, 
 as a Christian wuman, tae pit the poor minister 
 on his gaird. 
 
 "Confound the besom!" ejaculated Porter, 
 now fairly roused, "she shan't enter my door 
 again." 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did you attend the church Avhen 
 the presentee preached his trial discourses ? 
 
 Depones — ^A did. 
 
 Were you satisfied? 
 
 Depones — ^Verra muckle. 
 
 You did not sign the call ? 
 
 Depones— Na. A was feared, but a wad dae't 
 noo, as a'm gaun tae lea'. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey— « That's all." 
 
 Cross-examined for the objectors. 
 
522 EVTDEi^CE FOR THE PRESENTEE. 
 
 Whose service are you going to now? 
 
 A'm jist gaun' hame tae ma mither, 
 
 "I have no further questions, Moderator. I 
 don't believe one word the girl says. Any one 
 who would act as she has done, is not worthy of 
 behef." 
 
 Witness — " Ye ken better nor that, Mi-. Poind, 
 for ye were there yersel', an' maybe a cud tell 
 mair aboot you nor ye wad lilce tae hear." 
 
 Moderator — "Tut, tut, tut! No more of 
 this." 
 
 All which is truth, 
 
 (Signed) JESSIE Macgregoe. 
 
 T. M'Slykey, Moderator, 
 Inkhobn Skibleywhitter, Clerk. 
 
 Mr Garrempey — "Call Thomas Beg," 
 
 " Good gracious ! " said Stirk, " that's M'Crin- 
 ger's man. What are they tae be aboot noo?" 
 
 CoJlPEAEED — Thomas Beg, fai-m servant to the 
 Rev. A. M'Ci-inger, who, being solemnly sworn 
 and examined, 
 
 Depones — ^A recoUec' on a Saturday, aboot sax 
 weeks syne, o' the presentee, Mi-. M'Huistan an' 
 his man, walking (Twer tae the manse. They 
 cam' ower the hills pant of the wey, an' met me 
 a few miles frae the khk. The distance is aboot 
 saxteen mile. 
 
THOMAS BEG. 523 
 
 Did the presentee and M'Cringer walk out 
 after dinner? 
 
 Depones — ^Ay. 
 
 How far did they go ? 
 
 Depones — ^Aboot four mile. 
 
 It came on to rain ? 
 
 Ay ; an' a went wi' the gig for them. 
 
 Was it a rough part of the parish ? 
 
 Depones — Gey an' rough. 
 
 Did the presentee appear fatigued ? 
 
 Depones — A saw nae marks o' fatigue aboot 
 him. 
 
 Did you see him leap over a ditch ? 
 
 Depones — A did. 
 
 What is the breadth of it? 
 
 Depones — ^A think aboot thii-teen feet. It Avas 
 filled wi' water. 
 
 Interrogated — ^Did he walk home on Sunday ? 
 
 Depones — He left the kh-k tae walk. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey— " That's all." 
 
 Mr. Poind — " No questions." All which is truth. 
 (Signed) T. Beg. 
 
 T. M'Slyiosy, Moderator. 
 Inkhorn Skirleyvvhitter, Clerk. 
 
 Besides the foregoing parties, a good number 
 of other witnesses were examined with regard to 
 the sermons and other services, but for the reason 
 
524 cmCUMDUCTION. 
 
 previously stated, we do not think it necessary to 
 go further into the evidence. After all the wit- 
 nesses for the presentee had been examined, the 
 Presbytery proceeded to read the sermons. The 
 reading being concluded, the evidence was closed 
 by a minute in the following terms : 
 
 " The Procurators for the objectors and presentee 
 declare their respective proofs concluded, except 
 in so far as the General Assembly may allow 
 farther evidence, upon the appeals taken in course 
 thereof, and the Presbytery accordingly circum- 
 duces the term for proving against both parties. 
 Further, the said Procurators do not consider it 
 necessary to address the court upon the evidence. 
 The Presbytery fixed this day fortnight, at the 
 same place, at twelve o'clock noon, for giving 
 judgment in the case." 
 
 Closed with prayer. 
 
 (Signed) T. M'Slyket, Moderator. 
 
CHAPTER XXIV. 
 
 STATE OF PARTIES — MACHINATIONS OF THE REV. MR. SNEAKER — 
 DESIGNS UPON THE WIDOW M'CEEESH — INGENIOUS OPERA- 
 TIONS OF MR. SHARPER POIND — ^THE LAW STEALS A MARCH 
 UPON THE GOSPEL — UNEXPECTED MEETING OF THE RIVALS — 
 THE GOSPEL AT A DISCOUNT. 
 
 A FTER the close of the evidence, the excite- 
 ■^^ ment which had so long existed in the parish 
 sensibly diminished— -not that the interest in the 
 issue of the case had abated — on the contrary, 
 now that all the facts and circumstances, or at 
 least as many of them as the Presbytery had 
 allowed to be proved, were brought to light, 
 conjectures were rife as to the probable result of 
 the contest, but angry passions and feelings had 
 given place to sober speculations upon the nature 
 of the evidence. Reaction, that inevitable law of 
 nature, began to produce its usual effect upon all 
 parties. Poind no longer experienced the same 
 pleasure in the society of Veto. Sneaker was in 
 like case. Puncheon, Sheepshanks, Stirk, Porter, 
 and others, felt that a period had arrived when 
 social meetings had lost their zest, there being 
 
626 TAKING BREATH. 
 
 now nothing either to plan or to execute. The 
 work, so far as they could do it, was done. A 
 similar feeling affected the opposite party, and so 
 it was that the parish assumed its normal work- 
 a-day aspect, and the kirk, lately resonant with 
 legal and clerical squabbling, was now voiceless, 
 the only sounds which greeted the ear of the 
 passer-by, except on the Sabbath, being those of 
 the rolling waves of the Atlantic. At the manse 
 there was an evident feeling of constraint. Sneaker 
 and Poind feeling each other's presence exces- 
 sively uncomfortable. The latter gentleman and 
 Miss M'Phillabeg, who had not yet answered his 
 letter, were likewise in a peculiar position. Miss 
 M'Corkscrew began to think somehow that 
 Sneaker was not quite so tender in his attentions 
 as he used to be. In short, there was that un- 
 definable feeling of discomfort which steals over 
 people who are thrown into each other's society 
 when excitement begins to wear off — when a 
 common pursuit loses its attraction, and when 
 each fancies that some change is coming over the 
 feelings of the rest, Poind, therefore, departed 
 the day after the evidence was concluded, without 
 liaving eome to any understanding with the pro- 
 voking Miss Helen 5 and Sneaker took his leave 
 a few days later, forgetting to display the warmth 
 
A BIT OF BIOGRAPHY. 527 
 
 wliicli he formerly managed to squeeze into his 
 farewells. Poor Flora, with the keen instinct 
 characteristic of her sex, began to have fore- 
 bodings of some coming evil. As a matter 
 of course she communicated these feelings to her 
 cousin. The latter, although she fancied that 
 she had seen through Sneaker, did not think it 
 proper to say what she thought, but, on the con- 
 trary, did all she could to dispel the fears of her 
 unhappy relative, as she believed that Sneaker's 
 conduct would be entirely guided by events. It 
 is very difficult to eradicate a suspicion when it 
 has once taken root in the bosom of a woman. 
 Although relieved by the lively ridicule which 
 her cousin cast upon her doubts of Sneaker's 
 affection, she was not reassured. 
 
 Fate had so willed it that the representatives 
 of the law and the gospel should run a neck-and- 
 neck race for the heavy stake which had Cross- 
 mungo for its winning post. 
 
 In this eccentric world of ours, it is wonder- 
 ful how at times circumstances the most casual, 
 and which have apparently no connection with 
 om- most cherished plans, lead us, as it were, to 
 follow the very course necessary to accomplish 
 them. Sneaker had an aunt, a sister of Mrs, Pry, 
 who had filled, for a good many years, the im- 
 
52S A BIT OF BIOGRAPHY. 
 
 portant position of housekeeper in tlie family of 
 a certain nobleman in Perthshire. This lady had, 
 shortly previous to the occurrence before narrated, 
 got married to a reverend gentleman in Glasgow, 
 who had been dubbed LL.D. by some German or 
 American University, in consideration of the ex- 
 ceedingly loAV sum of eight pounds six shillings 
 and eight pence. It is proper to state, however, 
 that the Doctor had established what was con- 
 sidered to be a satisfactory foundation for this 
 honour by having edited a greatly enlarged and 
 materially improved edition of the twopenny 
 spelling book. He had been for some time tutor 
 in the family of the aforesaid nobleman during 
 the house-keeping reign of Miss Larder, or Mrs 
 Larder, as she was designated in the family, for 
 be it tmderstood, that in the houses of the upper 
 ten there are no such titles as "Miss" allowed to 
 be assumed by the female domestics. They have 
 the choice, however, of being addressed either as 
 simple Sarah Jones or Mrs. Jones, or, in their 
 discretion, Mrs. Sarah Jones. Doubtless the 
 worthy housekeeper had been very attentive to the 
 young tutor, and it was to tliis circumstance pro- 
 bably, that the reverend gentleman had acquired, 
 besides a strong liking for good dinners and 
 vintage wines, a very decided taste for hot 
 
A BIT OF BIOanAPHY. 529 
 
 suppers in a snug little parlour where covers 
 
 were only laid for two. Whether or not the fact 
 
 that the careful house-keeper was possessed of 
 
 some thousands of pounds had any effect in 
 
 influencing his choice, certain it is, that shortly 
 
 after he had been settled in the Gty of Glasgow, 
 
 the worthy Doctor relieved Miss Larder from the 
 
 cares and perquisites attendant upon the charge 
 
 of the domestic affairs of others, and placed her 
 
 as Mrs. Dr. Creed in the more congenial position 
 
 of looking after her own. Nor was the choice a 
 
 bad one. Miss Larder had been tolerably well 
 
 educated, and had acquired, from daily contact 
 
 with the fashionable world, a polish and refinement 
 
 which did no discredit to the doctor's mahogany. 
 
 Sneaker had, as a matter of course, paid hia 
 
 respects to the married pair, and hoped, in due 
 
 time, to reap the benefit which might be expected 
 
 to result from his relationship to a man, who 
 
 would some day perhaps become one of the pillars 
 
 of the church, and Moderator of the General 
 
 Assembly. He had preached on two or three 
 
 occasions for the Doctor in the evening ; but, aa 
 
 the reverend gentleman did not feel that he was 
 
 sufficiently long in his new sphere to run the risk 
 
 of beiQg considered lazy, he invariably preached 
 
 during the day himself. 
 
 2l 
 
m WIDOWS, bswarE! 
 
 Shortly after his retui-n to Glasgow, from the 
 parish of Veto, Sneaker paid a visit to his aunt. 
 After the usual formalities, and talk about the 
 weather, and similar topics, Mrs. Dr. Creed said, 
 with a sly look — 
 
 " I hope, Adam, you've come to ask us to your 
 wedding?" 
 
 " How so ?" said Sneaker, blushing. 
 
 " It's quite the talk here. The report is that 
 it's all settled, that you're to be married to a Miss 
 M'Corkscrew, daughter of the late minister of the 
 parish of Veto." 
 
 " No such thing. I know the young lady very 
 Well, and have been a good deal about the manse, 
 but things haven't come to that pass yet. You 
 know I can't afford to many at present." 
 
 " But I understand that the young lady has 
 a fortune ; and then, of course," added Mrs. Creed, 
 with a smile, " you're almost sure of the parish, 
 for I'm told the presentee has no chance of get- 
 ting in." 
 
 " I'm not very sure about that ; but as to the 
 fortune, all I believe the young lady has, is some 
 expectation of a legacy from her aunt, Mi'S. 
 M'Creesh of Crossmungo." 
 
 " Is Mrs. M'Creesh her aimtl" 
 
 " Yes," replied Sneaker, wondering what was 
 
WIDOWS, BEWAEE ! 63l 
 
 going to turn up. " I called upon her at Cross- 
 mungo, sometime ago. She received me very- 
 kindly, and asked me to come back again." 
 
 " Why, Mrs. M'Creesh is one of our most inti- 
 mate friends ! She sits in the Doctor's church, 
 and has been several times to tea with us. I was 
 at Grossmungo only yesterday afternoon," 
 
 "Is she then at home?" eagerly enquired 
 Sneaker. 
 
 " Yes. I daresay if you have any intentions 
 with regard to Miss M'Corkscrew, she would do 
 Bomethiag for her." 
 
 "I've no particular iatentions as to Miss 
 M'Corkscrew, aunt, but " — and he hesitated — 
 
 " But what ? " said Mrs. Creed, looking fixedly 
 upon her hopeful nephew. 
 
 " But " — and he again hesitated and blushed. 
 
 " OhI I see, you rascal, you would like to secm-e 
 the widow, would youl" 
 
 "Why not, aunt? She's good-looking, and 
 not very old, and, — " 
 
 "And," continued the other, "she has plenty 
 of cash. — ^Is that not it ?" 
 
 Sneaker said nothing* 
 
 " WeU, to be sure," resumed the lady, musing, 
 " cash is a great thiag. No wonder the Americans 
 call it the 'almighty dollar '-^and then a minister 
 
532 WIDOWS, BEWARE ! 
 
 has no way of making money; he has only his 
 stipend, in many cases a very meagre one, to 
 meet the wants of a wife and family. If you 
 really are not engaged to the niece, and wish to 
 try your lucli with the aunt, I don't see why you 
 shouldn't — I'll ask her to take tea with us some 
 night next week, and drop you a note when I 
 hear from her." 
 
 "Thanks, my dear aunt, a thousand thanks 1 
 If I succeed, I shall not forget your kindness," 
 said the ecstatic Sneaker, for now he felt that he 
 had a fair prospect of success. 
 
 "What services does she attend 1" he eagerly 
 asked. 
 
 " She comes in the afternoon. I beHeve she 
 attends morning service at Crossmungo." 
 
 " Do you think the Doctor would allow me to 
 preach for him in the afternoon of Stmday first? 
 I should like very much that Mrs. M'Creesh had 
 an opportunity of hearing me." 
 
 " Well, my dear, I don't know. You see the 
 Doctor wishes to work hard. He has a position 
 to gain, and he has not had any one preaching 
 for him since he came here except yourself in the 
 evening ; but I'll try what I can do." 
 
 " I really wish you would. It will be a little 
 change to the congregation, and will only show 
 
WIDOWS, BEWARE ! 533 
 
 the more prominently that the Doctor has had 
 no previous assistance." 
 
 " Well, there's something in that." 
 
 " I mean to call at Crossmungo to-morrow at 
 any rate," said Sneaker, rising to take his leave, 
 "to pay my respects, but, of coiurse, I'll say 
 nothing about what has passed, and needn't let 
 her know that we are related." 
 
 " Perhaps it would be as well," said the ami- 
 able Mrs. Dr. Ci-eed. " Good-bye — see that you 
 manage matters discreetly; widows, are as they 
 say, ' kittle cattle tae deal wi'.' " 
 
 " Good-bye, aunt ; I think I'll commit no blun- 
 ders." So saying, this hopeful son of the church 
 departed. 
 
 Turn we now to the movements of Poind. ■ 
 
 Big with his project of winning the buxom 
 relict of the departed M'Creesh, he determined to 
 take the earliest opportunity of having another 
 talk with his partner on the subject. The latter 
 gentleman, however, was before hand with him, 
 for, on entering the office the morning after Poind 
 came back from Veto, he said — 
 
 " Well, Poind, I see that your fascinating widow 
 has returned with the swallows. Rule pointed 
 her out to me to-day in an elegant barouche, 
 shopping in Buchanan Street ; you should lose no 
 
534 A LESSON IN LOVEMAKING, 
 
 time in seeing her — go down to-moiTow. I shall 
 have to make a fresh copy of that letter, as the 
 date -won't do now." 
 
 Accordingly, next day. Poind started for Cross- 
 mnngo. This time he resolved to do the thing in 
 style. Instead of taking the omnibus, and adopt- 
 ing the plebeian mode of walking up to the house, 
 he selected what he called the " nobbiest" hansom 
 he could find in George Square, and drove out at 
 a rapid trot, having told the cabby to open the 
 avenue gates, and drive right up to the door at a 
 "slapping pace." On arriving at the house, 
 Poind was shown into a gorgeous drawing-room, 
 where he saw his elegant figure reproduced at 
 every turn he made to admire himself in the shin- 
 ing miiTors which adorned the apartment. He 
 was not long kept waiting, for Mrs. M'Creesh was 
 none of your hair-di-essing, and curl-twisting 
 damsels who won't venture to face a visitor without 
 an hour's preparatory application of comb and 
 tongs, and the everlasting " Odonto." 
 
 " Good morning, Madam," said Poind, in what 
 he considered to be his most engaging manner. 
 " Allow me to introduce myself as Mr. Poind, of 
 the firm of Horn and Poind, Writers, Glasgow." 
 
 "Guid mornin', Sir," said Mrs. M'Creesh. 
 "Tak'achair." 
 
HOW IT WAS LEAENED, 535 
 
 " This letter, Madam," paid Poind, " will explain 
 the nature of my visit." 
 
 Mrs. M'Creesh read the epistle without the aid 
 of spectacles, and at once proceeded to busi- 
 ness. 
 
 "A hae nae intention, Mr. Poind, o' sellin' ony 
 pairt o' the lands : but a wadna' objeo' to feu." 
 
 "Just what I observed to my partner, Mrs. 
 M'Creesh. I said I was sure that a lady like you 
 (he emphasized the word 'lady') would never 
 think of selling any part of such a fine estate. I 
 admire the situation very much," he continued, 
 " and the great taste exhibited in laying off the 
 grounds. I have no doubt," he added, with a 
 knowing smile, "to whose judgment that's 
 owing." 
 
 " Ou a aye keep a guid gairdener, Mr Poind." 
 
 "But, of course, you take considerable personal 
 interest and supervision in the laying out of the 
 grounds yourself?" 
 
 " Ou ay." 
 
 "It's very pleasant," resumed Poind, "to get 
 away firom the city to a quiet retreat in the country 
 like this. I have been thinking of buying a place 
 myself, to which I could drive down after the 
 cares and fatigues of business were over for the 
 day. You mustn't suppose, Mrs. M'Creesh," he 
 
536 A LESSON IN LOVEMAKING. 
 
 contiiaued, with a mysterious look, " that I am the 
 party who wishes to invest forty thousand pounds 
 in the purchase of land ; but — ^but — I should like 
 very much to have a place myself." 
 
 "Are ye mairried, Mr, Poind f asked the 
 widow, elily. 
 
 "Not yet," said Poind, with his heart, as they 
 say, almost at his mouth. "I've been thinking 
 about getting married. I envy my partner, Mv. 
 Horn, with his amiable wife and rosy children. 
 When I've been at his house I always resolve on 
 my way home that I shall get a wife and be as 
 comfortable and happy as he is ; but business, Mrs. 
 M'Creesh, the constant pressure of business, drives 
 the thought out of my head. I don't know what 
 I shall do when Mr. Horn retires. He intends to 
 do so next year, having reahsed a handsome 
 fortune, and I shall have all the work on my own 
 shoulders." It is needless to say that Horn had 
 no such intention. 
 
 "Ye sud hae dune as ma puir man did, Mi". 
 Poind — ^mairried young. He aften tell't me — 
 peace be wi' him — that if he had pit aff mainying 
 till he gat on in buzziness he wadna hae mau-ried 
 at a'." 
 
 " That would have been a great misfortune," 
 thought Poind to himself — " for me." 
 
HOW IT WAS LEARNED. 537 
 
 " But ye'll hae tae tak' anither pairtner, Mr. 
 Poind, a reckon." 
 
 "What sort of a partner?" said Poind, 
 emboldened by tbe free and easy style of the 
 lively widow. "Do you mean what is called a 
 sleeping partner ?" 
 
 " fie! Mr. Poind, hoo can ye speak like that f 
 
 " I'm afraid, Mrs. M'Creesh, I shall require two 
 partners — one to help me with business, which is 
 increasing so fast that I cannot attend to it all, 
 and another to help me to forget its cares and 
 troubles, when I get home wearied and fatigued." 
 
 Without giving the widow time for a reply, 
 he continued rapidly, "By the bye, I have the 
 pleasure of knowing some of your friends in the 
 parish of Veto — ^Mrs. M'Corkscrew and her family. 
 I'm engaged as agent for the objectors in the 
 great Veto case. I refused to act at first, as it 
 would take me so very often from home, and 
 would interfere with much more lucrative busi- 
 ness ; but Mr. Horn, who is a great friend of the 
 family, and their connections, at last consented. 
 I have been down there for nearly a month alto- 
 gether." 
 
 " Dear me I" said Mrs. M'Creesh, looking very 
 much interested ; " a wasna' aware o' that. An' 
 hoo are they a' ? A maun gang an' see them 
 
.538 A LESSON IN LOVEMAKING. 
 
 this simmer — a've aften promised tae gang, but 
 ae thing aifter anither aye cam' in the wey. An' 
 what d'ye think o' Flora, ma niece 1" 
 
 " She's a very superior young lady," said Poind ; 
 " very much so indeed." 
 
 Here was a chance for striking a blow at his 
 rival, Sneaker, and Poind was not the man to let 
 it slip — so he continued — 
 
 " I'm very glad that Mr. Sneaker and she are 
 BO much attached to each other." 
 
 "A heerd something aboot it," replied the 
 widow, " but a thocht it was jist what they ca' a 
 flirtation." 
 
 " Oh, no*!" said Poind ; " they're actually en- 
 gaged." 
 
 " D'ye tell me sae f 
 
 " Fact," said Poind, with the air of a man who 
 is thoroughly posted up in what he speaks about. 
 " He told me so himself." 
 
 This, of course, was not true, for Sneaker was 
 too wary to say anything of the kind ; but as in 
 war, so in love, all artifices seem to be allowable. 
 
 " Aweel," said the widow, " he seems tae be a 
 verra nice young man." 
 
 " I'm not quite certain about that," said Poind, 
 dubiously. " There are some queer reports about 
 him, which I hope are not true. I don't wish to 
 
HOW IT WAS LEARNED. 539 
 
 say anything to hurt him, as he's a good friend of 
 miiie, and I've done a good deal for him. It's for 
 him, of course," he added, with a kaowing wink, 
 " that we're fighting this case, for if we can keep 
 out the presentee, Mr. Sneaker is sure of getting 
 the parish." 
 
 " Eailly ! an' what do they say aboot him 1" 
 
 " I'll tell you by and bye," said Poind, with a 
 mysterious air, " when the case is over ; but, for 
 any sake, don't say a word about my mentioning 
 it to you !" 
 
 " No me I oh, no 1" said the widow, musing. 
 
 Poind thought he had gone too far, and tried 
 to modify the impression he had created. 
 
 " It's not a very serious matter, I may mention, 
 Mrs. M'Creesh, and some people wouldn't care 
 anything about it ; but a minister, you know, like 
 Csesar's wife, should be above suspicion. You 
 understand, Mrs. M'Creesh?" 
 
 "A understan' naething aboot Cjesar's wife, 
 nor C^sar himsel' aithers ; but a think a' wives 
 an' a' ministers sud be aboon suspicion; but ye'U 
 tell me a' aboot it, ye say, when the case is OAver ? 
 Whan will that be, Mr. Poind?" 
 
 "Next month. The Assembly will meet about 
 the middle of May. Were you ever at a meeting 
 of the General Assembly, Mrs. M'Creesh ?" 
 
540 A LESSON IN LOVBMAKING. 
 
 " No ; a haena liad that pleesure yet. Ma guid- 
 man ance proposed tae tak' me in, but something 
 cam' in the wey. A dinna recoUec' what it was." 
 " Oh ! you should really see Edinburgh during 
 the Assembly; it's all life and gaiety. Every- 
 body is out of doors. Ladies, dressed in the very 
 height of fashion, crowd the streets, or drive about 
 in elegant equipages. By the way, my partner, 
 Mr. Horn, told me the other day that he was 
 almost falling in love with you in Buchanan 
 Street. He saw you seated in a splendid ba- 
 rouche." 
 
 " Oh ! Mr. Poind, dinna be flatterin' me." 
 " It's perfectly true," said Poind. " There was 
 a Mr. Rule along with him, who pointed you out 
 to my partner." 
 
 " Ou ay ; that's ma man o' bizziness," replied 
 Mrs. M'Creesh. 
 
 "Well, Mr. Horn spoke so enthusiastically, 
 that it would have made me quite jealous if — ^if — ." 
 Here Poind paused ; he did not exactly know what 
 to say, but at last blurted out, " if I were a mar- 
 ried man." 
 
 " Oh !" said the widow, " you men's easy pit oot 
 o' sorts." 
 
 " Well, but as I was saying, Mrs. M'Creesh," 
 resumed Poind, "you should really come into 
 
HOW IT WAS LEABNED. 541 
 
 Edinburgh, to see the sights, and to hear the 
 case. What with dragoons, and balls at Holyrood 
 Palace, levies held by the Lord High Commis- 
 sioner, dinners, and evbniag receptions, you would 
 be highly delighted. I think Mr. and Mrs. Horn 
 are going in, and I am sure they would be glad to 
 show you everything." 
 
 " Ye're verra kind, Mr. Poind. A'll think about 
 it." 
 
 " And then," resumed the lawyer, " you must 
 recollect that yotir Veto friends wiU all be there, 
 Mr. Puncheon, Miss M'Oorkscrew, Miss M'Philla- 
 beg, and others." 
 
 "Are they gaun in taef 
 
 " Of course," replied Poind. 
 
 " Aweel, a think a'll gang," replied the widow, 
 to the infinite delight of Poind. 
 
 " Then all we have to do is to organise a party," 
 he continued. " I'm sure you would be dehghted 
 to make the acquaintance of Mrs. Horn, she's such 
 a fine, amiable, motherly woman." 
 
 Poind, sly rogue, wished to have her as an ally 
 in his attempt upon the widow. 
 
 " A'll be very gled, indeed," said Mrs. M'Creesh. 
 
 " Suppose she were to call to-morrow, would 
 you be at home V 
 
 " A' day, Mr. Poind." 
 
S42 A Lesson in lovemakIng 
 
 " I was just thmking that she -wouldn't like to 
 call merely on my telling her, and that if you 
 were to write a note to say that as there was to 
 be a party organised to go in to Edinburgh at the 
 time of the Assembly, you would be glad to see 
 her here at any time convenient for her to arrange 
 about it ■?" 
 
 " Ou ay. A'll dae that wi' great pleesure." 
 
 So Mrs. M'Creesh sat down, and wrote a very 
 business-like note on the subject, which she handed 
 to Poind. 
 
 " Would it be too much trouble, Mrs. M'Creesh, 
 to show me the portion of groxmdthat you propose 
 to feul If I cannot find a place that I can buy, I 
 don't know but I might take off a portion for 
 myself in the meantime." 
 
 "Nae trouble at a', Mr. Poind. A'll jist pit 
 on ma bunnet an' shawl, an' gang wi' ye. But, 
 keep me I a haena askit ye tae tak' a glaiss o' 
 wine." 
 
 " Oh, never miad, Mrs. M'Creesh." 
 
 " Oh, but a wull mind. It's no lucky, ye ken> 
 lio tae hae a taste ower a bargain, or what may 
 be ane." 
 
 So saying, and ringing the bell, she ordered 
 the servant to bring in the decanters. 
 
 "Maybe ye wud prefer speerits, Mr. Poind 1 
 
HOW IT WAS LEARNED. 543 
 
 you gentlemen are for ordinar fond o' something 
 that nips the tongue." 
 
 " No, thank you, I prefer ■wine," said Poind. 
 
 "Ye can bring in the speerit case as weel, 
 Lizzie," said the widow, without appeariag to 
 notice the refusal. 
 
 The refreshments having been produced, Mrs. 
 M'Creesh asked Poind to help himself. 
 
 "What shall I help you to, Mrs. M'Creesh 1" 
 
 "Weel, a hae had a rale bad attact o' the 
 toothache this mornin', an' a'm feared wine wadna 
 dae me ony gtiid ; a'll jist tak' a wee drap o' the 
 brandy, it's verra mild, rale Martell, as ye'll see 
 by the Ubel." 
 
 Poind at once poured out a glass. 
 
 " Losh, me ! Mr. Poind, a canna tak' a' that." 
 , " Oh I it's very mild ; it wont do you the least 
 harm, and then, as you're going out, it will prevent 
 a return of the attack." 
 
 " Weel, a'll no say but ye're richt aifter a' !" 
 
 'The brandy somehow disappeared by and bye, 
 in the course of further conversation, and then 
 Mrs. M'Creesh remarked, "A'll jist gang an' get 
 on ma things." 
 
 Poind took this opportunity of settling for, and 
 sending away his hansomj 
 
 It is needless to relate the eonversation which 
 
344 A LESSON IN LOVEMAKING. 
 
 took place as the interesting pair perambulated 
 the grounds. Mrs. M'Creesh was in excellent 
 good humour. We are not warranted in saying 
 that this was entirely owing to the influence of 
 Monsieur Martell, but doubtless the eau-de^ie had 
 its share in producing it. Poind was in an equally 
 merry mood. The sly rogue had helped himself 
 to a bumper of brandy whenever the widow left 
 the room, which, with the wine he had preAdously 
 drank, gave him as much Dutch courage as was 
 necessary to attack half-a-dozen buxom widows. 
 
 He was too prudent, however, to risk anything 
 upon a first interview, by making a declaration. 
 All he strove for, and seemed to accomplish, was 
 to make a favourable impression upon his fair 
 companion. That the widow was really pleased 
 there could be no doubt, and the walk round the 
 estate was prolonged by both. 
 
 In the meantime, another visitor made hia 
 appearance at Crossmungo. On the door-bell 
 being answered the servant was politely asked 
 by a young gentleman wearing a Avhite tie 
 whether Mrs. M'Creesh was at home. The indi- 
 vidual in question, as will be doubtless surmised, 
 was no other than the Rev. Mr. Sneaker. 
 
 " No — Yes," said the girl. " Do you wish to 
 Bee her f 
 
HOW IT WAS STOPPED. 548 
 
 "If you please," said Sneaker, a little surprised 
 at lier apparent confusion. 
 
 " Jist stap in-to the drawing-room," said tke 
 girl. " She's oot wi' a gentleman walking ower 
 the groimds, but she'll no be lang." 
 
 Sneaker entered the room; his eye at once 
 caught sight of the bottles on the table. 
 
 " Aha !" he exclaimed, " this doesn't look very 
 well for me, I'm a&aid. Walking out in the 
 grounds too ! I think I'll require a " stiffener ;" 
 so he took a " durty advantage," as Pat would 
 say, of the unprotected condition of Monsieur 
 Martell. We are bound to say that he found the 
 liquor so good that he took another "hooker," 
 and replaced the abstracted quantity by an equal 
 modicum of water. He had to wait more than 
 half-an-hom- before the parties retm'ned. Judge 
 of his horror when he saw the charming widow 
 accompanied by his rival, Poind ! Well was it 
 for the clerical beau that he had previously for- 
 tified himself. As it was, he was very nearly 
 collapsing ; but, making a desperate effort, he 
 advanced with an expression which was intended 
 for a smile, but which had more the appearance 
 of being caused by a severe attack of the 
 mulligrubs. Poind, although taken aback, did 
 
 not lose his presence of mind. Besides, he was 
 2 M 
 
846 A LESSON IN LOVEMAKING. 
 
 in higli spirits. So goiag up to Sneaker in the 
 most friendly way, he said in a hearty tone of 
 voice, "How do you do, Mr. Sneaker? I have just 
 been trying to make a bargain with Mrg. M'CrQesh 
 about a feu, but she's asking too much, I'm afraid," 
 
 "Diana say that noo, Mr. Poind; ye ken better 
 nor that." 
 
 Sneaker did not know very well what to think. 
 He believed that Poind's visit was merely to gain 
 a footing with the widow. Having recovered 
 his coolness, he met Poind's advances with an 
 apparent frankness, which caused that gentle^ 
 man to believe that he had succeeded in deceiv- 
 ing him. 
 
 " A was jist offerin' Mr. Poind a glaiss o' wine, 
 Mr. Sneaker," said Mrs. M'Creesh ; " help yersel'." 
 
 This time Sneaker turned his attention to the 
 wine, as he felt that the brandy had slightly 
 affected his head. 
 
 " Help yersel', Mr. Poiad," said the widow. 
 "A think ma toothache's coming back wi' the 
 damp graiss ; a doot a'll hae tae tak* a drap o' 
 brandy." So saying, she had again recourse to 
 Mons. Marteil. 
 
 "HechI that's guid," she continued; "it warms 
 a body, an' keeps doun the pain. Had ye evep 
 the toothache, Mr, Sneaker?" 
 
o 
 o 
 
 M 
 
 X 
 
 I- 
 
HOW IT WAS STOPPED. C« 
 
 " No, I never had." 
 
 " Ye'll maybo hae had the heartache, though 1" 
 Bhe said eUly. "Hoo did ye lea' a' the foUca at 
 Veto?" 
 
 " Oh, very well, indeed," simpered Sneaker, 
 
 "Hoo d'ye think the case is tae gae on? Mr. 
 Poind was teUin' me ye made a oawpital witness.!' 
 
 " Mr. Poind, I should think, is the best judge 
 of that," said Sneaker. 
 
 "An' hoo did ye lea' Flora? A'ra gled tae 
 hear that ye're baith sae weel pleesed wi' ane 
 anither." 
 
 "If you mean Miss M'Oorksorew," said Sneaker^ 
 almost pale with suppressed emotion, " she was 
 quite well when Mr. Poind and I left; and Misp 
 M'Phillabeg also. Mr. Poind could, I daresay, 
 tell you something mteresting about her." 
 
 " Oh! hoi" said the widow. 
 
 Sneaker had divined at onoo that Poind had 
 been trying to make the aunt believe that he and 
 Miss M'Corksorew were engaged, and he wished 
 to have his revenge. Poind was not, however, 
 to be done. 
 
 " I had a great flirtation with Miss M'Philla- 
 beg," he said, boldly; "a very nice girl, indeed; 
 but she's somethmg in the same position as my 
 friend here, she's engaged." 
 
H8 A LESSON IN LOVE MAKING. 
 
 "Who told you, Sii-, that I was engaged?" 
 said Sneaker, fiercely. 
 
 " Oh! all the world knows it; what's the use 
 of getting angry about it ? Miss M'Corkscrew ie 
 a very nice girl." 
 
 " I don't like to be annoyed about matters of 
 that kind, Mr, Poind, and you know that."' 
 
 "Dinna cast oot aboot it, gentlemen! They 
 say women ay breeds mischief." 
 
 Sneaker felt that he had not the exact control 
 of his temper. The combined effects of the 
 chagrin he experienced at finding that his rival 
 had been beforehand with him, and the stimulants 
 he had taken had produced that result, so he tried 
 to change the subject. 
 
 The conversation was carried on for some con- 
 siderable time. Sneaker hoping that Poind would 
 take himself oif ; but the latter was determined 
 to sit out his rival, — ^he was not going to give him a 
 chance on the present occasion, at least, ofatete a tete. 
 
 " Confoimd the fellow !" said Sneaker to him- 
 self; " he doesn't seem inclined to move." 
 
 At last, and only when good manners would 
 not permit of liim staying any longer, the reverend 
 gentleman was reluctantly forced to rise, and say, 
 " I'm afraid we are keepmg you from other duties, 
 Mrs, M'Creesh." 
 
EUSE D' AMOUE. 549 
 
 " Oh no ! a liae been greatly enterteened wi' 
 yer company, gentlemen." 
 
 Poind also rose, and both visitors, shaking 
 their kind hostess warmly by the hand, took their 
 leave, 
 
 " You go lip to Glasgow, Mr. Sneaker, I pre- 
 sume V 
 
 "Yes." 
 
 " Well, I have to go further down the road to 
 look at some other ground, so good-bye." 
 
 This was only a ruse. Poind fancied that he 
 had detected in Sneaker's look and manner a 
 determination to have another talk with Mrs. 
 M'Creesh, and the thought struck him that he 
 would probably find some excuse for going back 
 again when he found the coast clear. To test 
 this suspicion, he went dOwn the road for about 
 fifty or sixty yards, and when Sneaker was out of 
 sight, he entered a beer-shop, from the window of 
 which he could see any one coming in the oppo- 
 site dhection, and from which he had a full view 
 of the entrance to Mrs. M'Creesh's avenue. After 
 waiting for about five minutes, he saw his rival 
 returning. Poind immediately stepped out of 
 the shop, and turned his back as if addressing 
 some words to the man within. On looking 
 round again, he saw Sneaker hastily retracing his 
 
5S0 EUSE D' AMOTJE. 
 
 steps to Glasgow, thinking, probably, that lie had 
 not been observed. Poind foUo-wed him up like 
 a watchful shepherd, never losing sight of him 
 ■until he saw him fairly into an omnibus, when he 
 himself jumped into the next that came up, and 
 soon found himself in his office in Glasgow, chuck- 
 liag over the incidents of the day. 
 
CHAPTER XXV. 
 
 MOODY KEFLECnONS OF A DISAPPOINTED DIVINE— HOPE BEGINS 
 TO DAWN — THE EEV. MR. SNEAKER SUDDENLY FINDS HIMSELF 
 TRANSFORMED INTO A LION — FLAG OF THE CHURCH IN THE 
 ASCENDANT — PRESBTTEKY PRONOUNCE JUDGMENT AGAINST 
 THE PRESENTEE— A FAITHLESS SWAIN AND DISCONSOLATE 
 FAIR ONE— A TRIP TO EDINBURGH. 
 
 T> AFFLED and dispirited, Sneaker sought his 
 lodgings. It was evident that Poind had 
 got the -weather-gaiige of him. 
 
 "The cursed imp!" he ejaculated, in the 
 bitterness of his soul, " he has the advantage of 
 me in worldly means. He has an income ; I have 
 none. In appearance he's a guy, in manners a 
 boor. I can sympathise -with Mrs. Anne Page 
 when she exclaims — 
 
 ' Oh ! what a world of vile iU-favoured faults 
 Looks handsome in three hundred pounds a year.' 
 
 But Mrs. M'Creesh doesn't require money, and I 
 can hardly believe that she would prefer a scare- 
 crow like Poind to me, if I had only the chance of 
 making myself agreeable. Thank Heaven ! the 
 Doctor has consented that I should preach for 
 
552 PLOTTING. 
 
 hiin on the afternoon of Sabbath first, and she lias 
 accepted my aunt's invitation to tea." 
 
 He had found a note from his worthy aunt to 
 tliis eiFect on his retm-n. 
 
 "I shall try to see her home, and lose no 
 chance of pressing my suit. Delays are danger- 
 ous. I ought to have called agaia sooner." 
 
 AYith these consolatory reflections, Sneaker 
 took a stroll through the city to while away time 
 that hung heavily on his hands. 
 
 Horn found Poind, on his return from 
 Crossnumgo, looking radiant Avith joy. 
 
 " Aha I"' exclaimed the worthy senior, " if 
 Dh-lton were here, he would have no 'Doubts,' I 
 think, that you had a satisfactory intei-view with 
 the charming widow. Tell me how you got on." 
 
 Poind gave a graphic narrative of what took 
 place. 
 
 "Delightful!" exclaimed Horn — "couldn't 
 have been better managed. Mrs. Horn will go 
 down to-morrow and nail the matter at once. 
 That fellow. Sneaker, however, is not to be 
 despised, let me tell you. I was Avalking along 
 ■with Dr. Creed to-day, when he came up and 
 spoke to him. It seems he's a nephew of the 
 Doctor's wife. He's a good-looldng young fellow, 
 and has the decided advantage of you so far as 
 
PLOTTING. SS3 
 
 appearance goes, Poind; but never mind; the 
 race, you know, is not always to tlie swift, nor 
 the battle to the strong. By the bye, when are 
 the Presbytery to give judgment in the Veto 
 caser 
 
 " The day after to-morrow." 
 
 " You will require to be present." 
 
 "Yes; I mean to leave by the last boat this 
 evenmg. I haven't told you that I got an 
 answer from my Veto flame." 
 
 "No; what does she say?" 
 
 " Oh, she respectfully declines my proposal." 
 
 " Well, then, you'll just have, in the words of 
 the old song, to 'Wap at the widow, my laddie.'" 
 
 The day appointed by the Presbytery for 
 giving judgment had now arrived, and it, of 
 course, behoved the procurators for both parties 
 to be present. The muster of members was not 
 so great as on former occasions, but there was a 
 sufficient majority to carry the various deliver- 
 ances which had been previously agreed upon. 
 As usual, the church was well-filled with spec- 
 tators. One personage however, was absent. 
 The Rev. Mr. Sneaker was not there. He had 
 written a note to Miss M'Corkscrew stating that 
 he was suffering fi'om a bad cold, and was soriy 
 he could not be present, but that he had no doubt 
 
5S4 StlNSHiNE. 
 
 everything would go right. The exemplary 
 young man was, however, in robust health, de- 
 voting himself most assiduously to furthering 
 his views with regard to Mrs. M'Creesh. She 
 had heard him preach, and he had seen her 
 home. His friends told him that he had made a 
 capital appearance in the pulpit, a decided hit, 
 and that all the young ladies of the congrega- 
 tion were making enquiries about him. 
 
 When it became known that Sneaker was 
 related to Dr. Creed, there was an immistakable 
 run made upon the young and interesting divine, 
 who felt himself in the position of the fortunate 
 individual of whom it is said, that on awaking, 
 one fine morning, he found that he had suddenly 
 become famous. He was invited to dinner here, 
 to tea there; was asked to read at Dorcas re- 
 unions, to speak at soirees, or, as Mrs. Pry called 
 them, sorees, and at meetings in connection with 
 the "Cowcaddens Shoe-blacks' Soda Scone and 
 Cookie Association," — the Camlachie branch of 
 "The Society for the Diffusion of Christmas 
 Porridge"— "The ReHgious Quack Society," and 
 several other highly useftd institutions, which 
 nowhere flourish so prm-iently as in the important 
 city of St. Mungo. In short, he was on the high- 
 way to the eminent position of being one of the 
 
LET GLASGOW FLOURISH. 555 
 
 standing orators of the civic feasts and social 
 gatherings of that great emporium of commerce. 
 He looked forward to the day when he might 
 be foTmd as indispensable as a certain worthy- 
 baronet of historical fame had become to the 
 magistrates and council, when they succeeded 
 in luring a good-natured Prince, or a too-con- 
 fiding Dute, into an acceptance of the heavy 
 hospitalities of the City Hall or Corporation Gal- 
 leries. How pleasant it would be for Sneaker 
 to reflect, when the long fished-for knighthood 
 came at last to the chief magistrate, for the time 
 being, that he too, had been instrumental in hav- 
 ing that honour bestowed upon the eminent soft- 
 goodsman, who, as a partner of the well-known 
 firm of Messrs. Macandoo and Clappiton, possessed 
 the distinguished merit of having realized a 
 fortune ! He reasoned justly that it was a natural 
 deduction from, the celebrated motto on the city 
 arms that its material interests should be promoted 
 by the clergy — "Let Glasgow Flourish by the 
 Preaching of the Word." — ^What a noble induce- 
 ment for a zealous minister! and what clearer 
 evidence of material prosperity, than to find its 
 civic rulers so frequently the recipients of royal 
 favotir? — so firequently, indeed, that the good 
 citizens, when they hear of a public feast, or a 
 
556 LET GLASGOW FLOUEISH. 
 
 statue being suggested, or some additional 
 invitation proposed to be forced upon royalty, are 
 tempted to exclaim, witli the incorrigible litigant, 
 who saw the glance of a sheriff-officer in every 
 stranger's eye — " At wha's suit noo ?" 
 
 Such were a few of the pleasing reflections of 
 Mr. Sneaker. Allans, courage, mon enfarit! Tout 
 vient a hout a qui salt attendre. The honours of 
 Glasgow are not all stationary. Your time will 
 come. He could not, however, avoid envying the 
 well-won and gracefully-worn laurels of its veteran 
 legal orator, nor thine, heterodox Prince of jolly 
 priests ! of whom we may say (mutatis mutandis) 
 as Juvenal says of Montanus, 
 
 " NuUi major fuit usus edeudi, 
 Tempestate mea. MuUse nata forent, an 
 Morvinum ad Saxum, Funerinove edita fimdo 
 Ostrea, callebat primo deprendere morsu ; 
 Et semel aspecti littus dicebat echini." 
 
 Sneaker longed for an opportunity of distin- 
 guishing liimself, by taldng part in the proceedings 
 of a society which had been recently formed in 
 the western capital, for " Promoting the cerebral 
 development of the incaudiculated Pongos of 
 Borneo, in order to test the soundness of the 
 Darwinian Theory of the Origin of Species." 
 
LET GLASGOW TLOUEISH. 557 
 
 With regard to this subject, he had been thinking 
 of a plan by which they might be taught to read 
 upon a principle somewhat analogous to that 
 employed in the education of the deaf and dumb. 
 He had also been speculating upon the propriety 
 of organizing a deputation to be sent to the Hau 
 Haus of New Zealand, to reconvert them from 
 anthropophagy and Pai-Maiiiism, with special 
 reference to the alarming iaclination which they 
 had recently manifested, to indulge m cold 
 missionary and Chili peppers. But we must leave 
 the reverend gentleman in the meantime, to 
 mature his meritorious projects, and follow the 
 vicissitudes of the Veto case : — 
 
 The proceedings of the Presbytery were, as 
 usual, opened with prayer. The audience thought 
 they could discern in the lugubrious expression of 
 the Moderator's face, and the funereal tones of his 
 voice, that he felt himself pretty much in the 
 position of one who was taking part in the ser- 
 vices preliminary to the execution of some un- 
 happy criminal. There was not much doubt as 
 to how the Presbytery would act; but hope some- 
 times lingers even upon the drop, and there were 
 doubtless people who thought that, after the 
 evidence which had been led in refutation of the 
 objections and in favour of the presentee's (jtiali- 
 
658 GIVINa JUDGMENT. 
 
 fications, as well as the fact of the great body of 
 the people being in his favour, the Presbytery 
 could hardly venture to find them proved. These 
 persons were happily ignorant of the materials of 
 which the courts of the church are composed. 
 At all events their expectations were very soon 
 disappointed. 
 
 The following is the minute of this memorable 
 meeting : — ■ 
 
 At Veto, and within the Parish Church 
 there, this day of 18 — . 
 
 The Presbytery of Dunderhead having met, 
 conform to appointment, was constituted. The 
 Rev. Thomas M'Slykey, Greetknowe, Moderator. 
 — Sederunt — Rev, Pr, Pompeius Browser, Blair- 
 organ ; Rev. Alister M'Cringer, Ochonochree ; 
 Rev. Teevish M'Sneevish, Sneeshan ; Rev. 
 Lauchlan Mackintrowsers, Lochabernomore ; Rev. 
 Ebenezer Sneckdraw, Brose Athol ; Rev. Havral 
 Clash, Claversj Rev, Inkhorn Skirleywhitter, 
 Clerk of Presbytery. 
 
 Alister FiUyerglass and MaccuUamore Quaigh- 
 horn, elders. 
 
 There appeared for the presentee, Gabby 
 Garrempey, Esq., S.S.C, Edinburgh; and for the 
 objectors, Sharper Poind, Esq., writer, Glasgow. 
 
 The minutes of last meeting were read and 
 
GIVING JUDGMENT. 559 
 
 approved of. The Procurator for the objectors 
 stated that he abandoned the fifth objection. 
 Parties being removed, the Presbytery proceeded 
 to give judgment in the Veto case. 
 
 It was moved by the Rev. Mr. M'Gringer, and 
 seconded by the Rev. Mr. Sneckdraw, and agreed 
 to, that the Presbytery find the first, third, sixth, 
 seventh, and eighth objections wholly proven. 
 Rev. Dr. Browser dissenting. 
 
 Parties being called in, and the judgment being 
 intimated to them, the Procurator for the 
 presentee protested and appealed to the ensuing 
 meeting of the General Assembly, for reasons to 
 be given in due time, took instruments, and craved 
 extracts, which were allowed. The Procurator 
 for the objectors acquiesced, took instruments, 
 and craved extracts, which were also allowed. 
 
 It was moved by the Rev, Havral Clash, and 
 seconded by the Rev. Teevish M'Sneevish, and 
 agreed to, that the second objection, having been 
 foimd irrelevant, and inadmissible to probation, 
 has not been proven. 
 
 The judgment having been intimated, was 
 acquiesced in, protested, and appealed by the 
 parties for their respective interests ut supra. 
 
 It was moved by the Rev. Alister M'Cringer, 
 9,nd seconded by Mr. MaccuUamore Quaighhorn 
 
560 FINISHED. 
 
 elder, that the Presbytery find the fourth objection 
 proven, except in so far as regards the presentee's 
 red hah", which had previously been found to be 
 irrelevant. The Rev. Dr, Browser dissenting, in 
 so far as the objection is found to be proven. 
 
 Protested, appealed, and acquiesced in ut supra 
 by both parties, so far as favourable or adverse to 
 them. 
 
 It was moved by the Eev. Alister M'Crmger, 
 and seconded by the Rev. Havral Clash, that, in 
 respect of the objections found proven ut supra, 
 the Presbytery find that the Rev. Fergus 
 Ochtertyi-e is not a qualified and suitable person 
 for the functions of the ministry in the parish of 
 Veto, and ought not to be settled therein, and 
 refuse to proceed with his settlement as minister 
 thereof, and instruct the clerk to intimate this 
 deliverance to the patron. 
 
 It was moved by the Rev. Dr. Browser that 
 the Presbytery dismiss the objections, sustain the 
 call, and resolve to proceed with the settlement 
 of the presentee according to the laws of the 
 chm-ch; ,but this motion fell, from not being 
 seconded. 
 
 The Presbytery accordingly found and issued 
 their deliverance in terms of the said first motion. 
 
 Dr, Browser dissented, and protested for 
 
AME>T. mi 
 
 leave to complain to the ensuing meeting of the 
 General Assembly, took instruments, and craved 
 extracts, which were allowed, he promising to 
 give in reasons in due time. 
 
 The judgment was protested and appealed 
 against for the presentee, and acquiesced in for 
 the objectors ut supra. 
 
 The Presbytery appointed the Rev. Alister 
 M'Cringer and the Rev. Ha vral Clash commissioners 
 from the Presbytery to the ensuing meeting of 
 the General Assembly, to defend the judgment. 
 
 Closed with prayer. 
 
 (Signed) T. M'Slykey, Moderatoi-. 
 
 The "amen" had hardly died away upon the 
 lips of the modemtor, when loud and prolonged 
 hisses, mingled with groans, resounded through 
 the church; and the audience, with the exception 
 of a few of the objectors, left the building. The 
 presentee departed alone, remembering the com- 
 mand given to the apostles — "And Avhosoever 
 shall not receive you, nor hear your words, when 
 ye depart out of that house, or city, shake off tlae 
 dust of your feet." Huistan was the last to 
 leave, but he did not go Avithout speaking otit 
 his mind. 
 
 " Ye hae dune yer warst, M'Cringer, this day, 
 
 an' a' the rest o' ye," he said bitterly, " Ye hae 
 2n 
 
m AMEN. 
 
 keepit oot a better mau nor the haill o' ye pit 
 tliegither; but we're no diane wi' ye yet." 
 
 A hollow laiigh from Sheepshanks and others, 
 was the only answer to Huistan's menace. They 
 Avere pretty sure, however, that it would not be 
 his fault if it were not carried out. 
 
 Thus was the Veto case disposed of by the 
 Presbytery of Dunderhead ; but the end was not 
 yet. It was well-known that the presentee had 
 not the means himself of carrying the case to the 
 Assembly, and the objectors had calculated that 
 if they succeeded in gettuig the Presbytery to 
 decide against him, he would be deterred from 
 proceeding further; but they had not taken into 
 account the spirit and determination of the people, 
 the sympathy of friends, nor the generous im- 
 pulse which frequently pi-ompts members of the 
 leg'al pi'ofessioa to exertions on behalf of ill-used 
 and unfortunate clients, and, in the interest of 
 justice and humanity, to risk at once theii* 
 labom- and even money advances. There are 
 some who, narrow-minded and selfish them- 
 selves, will smile incredulously at the bare idea 
 of a disinterested or generous laAvyer. We 
 would ask such if they can point to any other 
 profession that has fought more nobly or more 
 devotedly for civil and religious freedom, whethei* 
 
FOSSAKEl?. S63 
 
 invaded by crowned monarch or mitred clim'cL- 
 man? 
 
 It was determined that the case should be 
 taken to the Assembly, and the necessary arrange- 
 ments were at once made for that pui-pbse. 
 Sneaker, as we have seen, had become a lion in 
 the good city of St. Mungo. He was duly ad- 
 vised by the faithful Flora of the result of the 
 Veto case; but the parish had now comparatively 
 few charms for one who flattered himself that he 
 was in the fan- way of securing an infinitely more 
 desii-able prize. He kept up a correspondence 
 with her, it is true, but every letter seemed to the 
 sensitive Miss M'Corkscrew colder than the pre- 
 ceding. Rumours reached her ears, as they will 
 always reach distrusting fair ones, which painfully 
 impressed her with the conviction that Sneaker's 
 love was rapidly on the wane. Consultations 
 with her cousin became more and more frequent. 
 
 One morning the lively Helen was grieved to 
 find her despairing cousin in tears, sitting upon 
 that sofa where she and Sneaker had so often sat 
 talking of love, poetry, and romance. 
 
 "What's the matter, my dear Flora?" asked 
 the kind-hearted Miss M'Phillabeg. 
 
 " They're gone I " replied her cousin, faiiitlyi 
 
 " Who are gone, dearest Flora 1 " 
 
mi FORSAKEN. 
 
 " The doves," replied the afflicted youhg lady, 
 with a sigh. " They too, have forsaken me. I 
 ought to have expected it," she added, mvisingly, 
 " since they were his gift ! " 
 
 " Dear, me ! " said Helen, tenderly, " is it so '?" 
 " Yes ; I've missed them now for two days." 
 "But they'll perhaps come back again," an- 
 swered Helen, and the light-hearted creature 
 began to sing, 
 
 " A woe bird cam' tae oor ha' door." 
 
 "Don't, don't! Helen, don't sing that song; 
 you'll break my heart if you do." 
 
 "Do forgive me, Flora. I never thought of 
 paining you. Come, do cheer up ! ' there's as good 
 fish in the sea as ever came out of it !' " 
 
 " What's this f she continued^ pointing to a 
 sheet of paper. " Is it a letter ?" 
 
 " No, Helen ; letters are now to me like angels' 
 visits, few and far between. It's only some lines 
 I was trying to write about my doves, to ease my 
 heart." 
 
 "May I read them f 
 
 " Do. Kead them aloud, it will be more sooth- 
 ing to me than your song." 
 
 Miss M'Phillabeg accordingly read the follow- 
 ing simple lines, entitled — 
 
FORSAKEN. 565 
 
 THE DOVES. 
 
 A pair of doves, whose peaceful lot 
 Was cast by Fate in one dove cot, 
 Within a garden bright and fair, 
 'JVIid spreading trees and bushes rare, 
 Had been since little ones they were. 
 The objects both of Flora's care. 
 Two doves they were of pinion light. 
 Of lovely form and plumage bright. 
 Their eyes with brilliant radiance shown. 
 And to eclipse them there were none. 
 Their little cot, their youthful home, 
 To them a cot of love had grown, 
 For there at eve, these happy doves 
 Could tell their joys, repeat their loves. 
 A pleasant thing it was to hear. 
 The tender sounds which struck the ear. 
 While one his partner gently woo'd, 
 And while the other sweetly coo'd. 
 And from their cot, their early home. 
 They very rarely far did roam ; 
 But in the fields they might be seen, 
 Or flitting o'er the village green : 
 Yet ere the bells for vespers ring. 
 Homeward they sped on joyous wing. 
 And thus they passed the happy day. 
 Nor thought of higher joys had they. 
 But still, alas ! the wisest plan 
 That e'er was formed for doves or man, 
 By discontentment may be spoiled, 
 
568 rOESAKEN. 
 
 And all its good intentions foiled. 
 
 One day when all was bright and fair, 
 
 And odours sweet perfumed the air, 
 
 Our dove flew by his partner's side, 
 
 And thus addressed his modest bride — 
 
 " 'Tis hard that from this little spot, 
 
 In which is placed our humble cot. 
 
 We may not long away abide, 
 
 But must return at evening tide. 
 
 Come ! let us leave this garden fair. 
 
 Our Joyous course wing through the air ; 
 
 We'll pass the meadows, seek the hills, 
 
 And bathe ourselves in murmuring rills, 
 
 And midst yon blooming foliage rest. 
 
 And build ourselves a little nest, 
 
 AVhere peacefully we may reside, 
 
 And we tvoii't return at evening tide." 
 
 His partner heard his cunning strain 
 
 At first with mingled shame and pain, 
 
 'Twere black ingratitude to try, 
 
 From Flora's kindness thus to fly. 
 
 But love, alas ! with doves as men. 
 
 Yields oft to thoughts our hearts condemn ; 
 
 But which, if duty held her sway. 
 
 The heart would spurn with scorn away. 
 
 So on that bright and lovely day. 
 
 They left their cot and flew away; 
 
 And Flora now is left alone, 
 
 To mourn her pets— her favourites gone ! 
 
 "Not alono, dear Flora," exclaimed Helen, 
 
FORSAKEN. 567 
 
 ■with real affection beaming in Iier eye. *'If 
 they've all deserted you, I, at least, wont." 
 
 " Thank you, dearest," said her cousin, 
 warmly pressing- her hand, and apparently 
 with a somewhat lighter heart. "I daresay I 
 may get over it, but it's a cruel stroke to lose 
 all at once." 
 
 " I am not so sm-e about that. The doos" she 
 added, with a Hvely air, " are just as well away 
 too," 
 
 She might have added, as Huistan did, when 
 he heard of the circumstance, that "It was 
 jist a case o' do frae the beginnin'," but she 
 didn't. 
 
 At last. Miss M'Phillabeg, who knew more 
 than she liked previously to communicate to her 
 unhappy cousin, thought it necessary to be candid, 
 and to tell her that she did not believe that Sneaker 
 ever entertained any real affection for her — that, 
 on the contrary, his motives had been eminently 
 selfish and mercenary, and that he was now 
 actually paying attention to other parties. She 
 did not tell her, however, that her own aunt was 
 the cynosm-e of Sneaker's regards. Miss M'Cork-. 
 screw could not at iirst realize the situation ; but 
 gradually Sneaker's baseness appeared to her in 
 its true light. His letters gi-ew colder and: colder. 
 
S68 FORSAKEN. 
 
 and at last they ceased altogether. On the other 
 hand, his attentions to the widow were redoubled. 
 He managed to procure an introduction to the 
 parish minister of Crossmungo, an old and frail 
 bachelor, who Avas thankful to get assistance 
 occasionally. Sneaker volunteered to supply his 
 pulpit, to enable him to go to the coast, for a 
 month or two, for change of air. The oiFer was 
 gladly accepted, and Sneaker found himself 
 snugly installed in the manse. It is needless to 
 say to what particular part of the neighbourhood 
 his footsteps were most frequently directed. 
 Poind found that his rival had almost taken 
 permanent possession of the widow M'Creesh and 
 her establishment. "When he called. Sneaker was 
 sure to be there, and the negotiations with regard 
 to the proposed feu were in consequence pro- 
 longed ad GrcBcas Kalendas. Poind had great 
 faith in the diplomatic ability of Mrs. Horn, 
 but then he found that she was checkmated 
 by the superior tactics or advantages of Mrs. 
 Dr. Creed. 
 
 The widow had been several times at parties 
 in the houses of both, and she was not stingy in 
 the matter of giving returns. The probabilities 
 were, however, all m favour of Sneaker, when 
 the day of meeting of the " General Assembly 
 
DISAGREEABLE TUUTHS. 569 
 
 anived. In sliort, it was believed, in well- 
 informed circles, that his marriage with the 
 wealthy widow was fixed to take place in 
 a few Aveeks. Poind, of course, heard these 
 rumours, which were considerably strengthened 
 by the fact of Mrs. M'Creesh having intimated 
 that she did not intend to make one of the 
 party formed for the purpose of going into 
 Edinbiu-gh. 
 
 Poind was visibly affected by the turn matters 
 seemed to be taking. Some people went even 
 the length of saying that he was a shade thinner 
 than formerly, but others maintained that degrees 
 of thinness were necessarily imperceptible in a 
 man who was at best only "as fat as a 
 hatchet." 
 
 The Veto case was set down for the third day 
 after the meeting of the Assembly. It was the 
 only case of a contested settlement that year, and, 
 of course, created a good deal of interest. The 
 facts and circumstances, connected with it were 
 generally known, and it was understood that the 
 printed case had been pretty carefully read and 
 discussed by the members. Let it not be sup- 
 posed, however, that many of those by whose 
 suffrages the questions that come before this 
 ecclesiastical court of last resort are decided, vote 
 
570 DISAGUEEABLE TEUTHS. 
 
 according to tlieir own independent opinions. 
 Most of them are influenced by the views of 
 particular leaders, and by pressure put upon them 
 from considerations wide of the merits of the case 
 they are called upon to determine ; and so it is 
 that the decisions are so wavering and uncertain, 
 that no one can, in any case, form a reasonable 
 conjecture with regard to its result. The 
 Assembly had rejected and ruined a succession 
 of presentees, against whom the objections stated 
 were not only trivial but clearly disproved, 
 because it was alleged that the people would 
 leave the church should they be inducted. Then 
 they admitted persons to whom there were good 
 and valid objections, frightened by assertions that 
 the frequent rejection of presentees would prevent 
 men of energy and talent from devoting them- 
 selves to the ministry. Thus they went now in 
 one direction, now in another, according as for 
 the moment they considered most the interests of 
 the minister or those of the congi-egation, just as 
 in a certain Greek dance, the parties having 
 danced a certain number of steps forAvard danced 
 an equal number back again! Never judging a 
 case upon its own merits, but influenced by fears 
 from within or rumours from without, while 
 trying to do what was most for the good of 
 
DISAGRBEABLE TRUTHS. 57'1 
 
 the clmrch, they alternately sacrificed good 
 and deserving men to mere clamom" or caprice, 
 and thrust indifferent and incapable ministers tipon 
 congregations conscientiously opposed to them. 
 
 It must ever be thus, so long at least as church 
 patronage exists in Scotland. Whatever apology 
 could have been made for that system at a time 
 when such patrons as the nobility and landed 
 gentry really belonged to the church, there can 
 be no apology for it now — not even for the 
 patronage of the crown. With very few excep- 
 tions, the Scottish nobles have left the Church of 
 Scotland and have become Episcopalians. It is 
 a fact always to be deplored, when the nobility of 
 a country deserts the national chtirch; but it 
 depends upon the church itself whether it is a 
 fact to be deplored for the church, or for the 
 nobility. Provided the Church of Scotland can 
 retain the affection and regard of the people, she 
 may mourn, but she need not despair, for the loss 
 of the aristocracy. The loss would not be perhaps 
 of so much significance even to that body them- 
 selves, had they remained faithful to the true 
 doctrines and sound teaching of the church 
 they went to ; but the old nobility, like some 
 birds of passage, seem to make the Chiurch of 
 England merely a resting place before taking their 
 
572 DISAGEEEABLE TRUTHS. 
 
 final flight for the warmer regions of Rome. We 
 do not pretend to second sight, nor to the 
 gift of prophecy, but we beheve we have not 
 read history in vain, and that we have made no 
 indifferent study of men, manners, and reHgion, as 
 they now exist over the world. We only state, 
 therefore, om- own personal conviction, when wo 
 say, that this increasing migration to Rome is but 
 the prelude to the destruction of the old nobility. 
 How, or why, or when this will be so, it is not 
 necessary that we should discuss here. Arts and 
 science, law and learning, may die, since Lord 
 John Manners has given them permission so to 
 do ; but while it is only justice to say that they 
 have been all more or less indebted to the old 
 nobihty, they will most certainly survive their 
 patrons if the latter continue in their present 
 course. 
 
 Btit while we believe these things, we also 
 believe that unless the Church of Scotland looks 
 well to herself, there are within her oM-n bosom 
 the elements of destruction also. It is absolutely 
 necessary for her salvation that she should get 
 quit of her present position with the State — above 
 all, that she should be done with this accursed 
 system of patronage, and her scandalous ecclesi- 
 astical procedure, which is its imdoubted offspring. 
 
DISA.GEEEABLE TRUTHS. 573 
 
 So long as it exists, she may, indeed, be called 
 tlie Churcli of Scotland; but can she be called 
 The Chuech of Christ ? This is a time which 
 is to test the soundness, the faith, and constancy 
 of all the churches. They will be tried and 
 searched by fire. The purer they can go into 
 it, the quicker and the purer will they come out 
 of it. 
 
 If you try the Church of Scotland now hy 
 the test of the state of the Church as left by 
 Christ, and as administered by the apostles, how 
 will it stand ? Do we find that the right to pre- 
 sent an apostle to the saints, say in Antioch, was 
 vested in the Roman Csesar, or in any of his pro- 
 consuls, with a right merely in the congregation 
 of stating objections to a presentee before the 
 bishop and deacons, supported, perhaps, by the 
 eloquence of the orator Tertullus ; while some 
 orator equally eminent defended the presentation 
 of the patron, Caesar, and the rights of his pre- 
 sentee? Could you witness a huge law-plea 
 carried on for months, to the scandal of the whole 
 City of Antioch, of the whole Seven Churches of 
 Asia, and of the whole coimtry round about 
 Judea ; maintained, it might be, by bribery, cor- 
 ruption, intimidation, and treating, just as we are 
 now hearing of in parliamentary elections ; and 
 
574 DISAGREEABLE TRUTHS. 
 
 ■where both parties, the saints at Antioch, and the 
 opposed apostle, had to disbm-se in law expenses 
 thousands of sesterces, before it could be decided 
 ■whether or not he should be allo-wed to preach 
 the gospel of C3arist to a reclaiming congre- 
 gation? Yet this is exactly the state of the 
 Church of Scotland at the present day. Can 
 that be called the Church of Christ? Let 
 us not, however, be misunderstood. We don't 
 say that the Church of Scotland is not the Church 
 of Christ. What we say is, that she is the Church 
 of Christ plus things which ought not to be there 
 ■ — just as we would say that the Church of Eng- 
 land and the Church of Rome are the Churches 
 of Christ, plus many things a great deal worse 
 than any thing which exists in the Church of 
 Scotland, 
 
 We are too far separated from the Church of 
 Rome to refer to her in any particular degree 
 here, for her system has been, is now, and always 
 will be, antagonistic to human progress and moral 
 and religious freedom ; when it ceases to be so, 
 there will be no Church of Rome. But while we 
 grieve for the chm-ch of our native land, we mourn 
 for the Church of England — ^betrayed by friends 
 and assailed by foes — torn and bleeding, she 
 seems to be given over to the schemes of the 
 
DISAGEEEABLE TRUTHS. 57S 
 
 spoiler ! She is cui:sed ■with the weight of lich 
 temporaHties, and is suffocating in the close 
 embraces of the State 1 Her bishops are roUuig 
 in wealth — ^her curates wallowing in poverty. 
 Simony is painted on the doors of her chapels, 
 and ADVOWSONS on placards at the entrances 
 of auction rooms! Rottenness and schism 
 within, rebellion and secession without — to 
 what pool will she go to cleanse herself from 
 pollution ? 
 
 We are of those who still cliag to the Church 
 of Scotland, not that we think she is better than 
 all the other churches, but because she is the 
 church of our fathers, and possesses, as we believe, 
 the essential elements of good within her pale; 
 and because we think it would be cowardly to 
 desert her, so long as there is hope of keeping 
 her afloat, and towing her into a harbour of 
 safety. We have had opportimities of seeing the 
 working of her ecclesiastical system previous to 
 and since 1843 — opportunities such as few men of 
 our years have had — and consequently all its 
 hideousness and deformity have been long and 
 often before our eyes. We have endeavoured to 
 portray it so as to give a faithful picture of the 
 practical working of the measure called Lord 
 Aberdeen's Act, as we ourselves have found it — 
 
576 PLEASURE SEEKERS. 
 
 a picture which will be recoguized as genuine by 
 those who know most about it. We hope it may- 
 help to rouse the church out of its lethargy, even 
 though we om-aelves should not escape the wrath 
 and obloquy of optimists, who hate none so 
 heartily as those who disturb then- peacefid 
 slumbers. But let them listen to other sounds 
 of warning, if not to om-s. There are not 
 wanting sounds and signs, if they will only 
 watch for them, 
 
 lie lljat fjatfi an ear 
 Het f)tm fiear 
 Mljat lT)e Spirit miilf 
 €o t^e ©Jjurcijes. 
 
 But let us follow the further outs and ins of 
 the Veto case. 
 
 The party which Mrs. Horn had organized to 
 go to Edinburgh, though it did not count Mrs. 
 M'Creesh among its number, had not fallen 
 through. There was a respectable muster of 
 Avestern folks got up for the occasion. Strange 
 to say, many of these individuals hud never seen 
 the capital of their country before, and had very- 
 hazy ideas as to the constitution and functions of 
 the Assembly. Several (clients of Messrs. Horn 
 
PLEASUEE SEEKERS. 577 
 
 and Poind) were well-to-do clieesemongers, 
 pa\vnbrokers, shopkeepers, and publicans, with 
 their wives and daughters, whom Mrs. M'Creesh 
 probably did not care about meeting; but Mrs. 
 Horn determined to carry out the original plan of 
 seeing, not merely the Assembly, and the other 
 sights of Edinburgh, but of picnicking among the 
 sylvan shades of Roslin and Hawthornden. It 
 had been proposed that the parties from Veto and 
 Glasgow should unite, but the defection of Mrs, 
 M'Creesh, the connecting link between the two, 
 destroyed this project. Messrs. Puncheon, 
 Sheepshanks, Stirk, Porter, and others, accom- 
 panied by Miss M'Corkscrew, and Miss M'Phillabeg, 
 therefore, found their way to Edinburgh by 
 themselves. The only representative of the 
 presentee's supporters who could afford to indulge 
 in the luxury of a simamer jaunt of this kind, was 
 our friend, Mr. Hiiistan M'Huistan, who was 
 determined, at once to gratify two objects, viz., 
 to see the capital, and the end of the Veto 
 case. Dr. Creed, although not a member of the 
 Assembly of that year, had been prevailed 
 upon by his wife to take a trip to the east — 
 that worthy lady having a laudable desu-e to 
 revisit, in a new character, the hospitable man- 
 sion where she had formerly reigned supreme 
 2q 
 
678 PLEASURE SEEKERS. 
 
 as house-keeper. Sneakei* accompanied tliem, 
 after having tried in vain to persuade Mrs, 
 M'Creesh to become one of the party. We shall 
 leave these pleasure-seekers, in the meantime, 
 to enjoy themselves according to their various 
 inclinations. 
 
CHAPTER XXV T. 
 
 MEETING OF ASSEMBLY— ECCLESIASTICAL RENDEZVOUS — JOVIAL 
 DOINGS AT "THE SHIP" — HOW MEMBERS ABE CANVASSED — 
 EVENING SEDERUNT— " THE VETO CASE" GOMES ON — 
 SPEECHES OF COUNSEL — THE REV. MR. M'CRINGEE MAKES A 
 MULL OF IT — ^THE OBJECTORS AND PRESBYTERY OF DUNDER- 
 HEAD DEFEATED— SCENES IN THE HALL— EXEUNT OMNES — 
 CONCLUSION. 
 
 rpHE period from the opening of the Assembly 
 ■*• to the day fixed for the hearing of a cause 
 cilhbre like the Veto case, is a very busy and 
 anxious one for the law agents engaged in it. 
 They have not only to attend long and frequent 
 consultations with counsel, but to organize and 
 superintend a working committee of ministers, 
 elders, and others, disposed to lend assistance in 
 canvassing. They require to see such leaders of 
 the Assembly as sympathise vdth their cause, and 
 to " coach " them up in the merits of the case. 
 They must be on the alert to catch any prejudicial 
 rumours put in circulation by their opponents, and 
 to give them a prompt contradiction. They have 
 perhaps to secure the interest of some influential 
 journal, and to suggest a racy leader to appear on 
 
 ^ 
 
C80 THE GENEEAL ASSEMBLY. 
 
 the day when the case comes on. The Kev. 
 Dougal Trotternish, of Benbecula, and the Rev. 
 Magnus Troil, of Longhope, must be kept to their 
 promise of watching the Granton steamers for the 
 contingent of black coats from the north — so long 
 at least as that route is not superseded by rail. 
 The individuals who have promised to give a 
 good account of the reverend presbyters and 
 elders of the east, west, and south, ought also to 
 be frequently seen and encouraged to energetic 
 action. The resident elders in Edinburgh of 
 remote Presbyteries, many of whom are profes- 
 sional men, require to be canvassed, and their 
 influence, if possible secured. Even those knights 
 of the thimble who are par excellence tailors and 
 clothiers to the clergy, are enlisted on the one 
 side or the other, as their emporiums are sure to 
 be visited by members requiring to replenish their 
 wardrobes. We have known a zealous snip who 
 secured an incredibly large number of votes for a 
 favourite presentee, but it is right to add that a 
 good many of the voters were pretty deep in his 
 ledger. After getting through the labour of 
 consultation, the agent has probably to rush away 
 to the Assembly— to make his rounds, and endea- 
 vour, by hook or crook, to secure additional 
 support— then he wjU have to hurry a-way to the 
 
HINTS TO OUTSIDERS, 581 
 
 "Ship," the "Kegent," or the "Waterloo," or 
 •wherever else head-quarters may be, to report 
 progress, and to receive the commuoications of the 
 various canvassers and scouts. Lists of the mem- 
 bers of Assembly are, for the fiftieth time, gone 
 carefully over — those favourable are again checked 
 ofi", as well as those unfavourable, and those still 
 to be seen. One reports that the provost of 
 Pukeshaws is to use his influence with his civic 
 brother of Creeshmaloaf, both of whom are proba- 
 bly keen churchmen, and, as worthy elders ought 
 to do, take a warm interest in things spiritual. 
 So long as the case is on the tapis there is a tide of 
 drouthy sympathisers, in black coats and white 
 chokers, flowing into and ebbing from head-quar- 
 ters. You never find the committee room vacant, 
 nor the bottles empty. The apartment is redolent 
 of the combined smell of every description of 
 tobacco and all kinds of liquor, while the floor 
 presents the appearance of a grand and universal 
 spittoon. The conversation is, of course, special. 
 One peaky-faced individual, in green spectacles, 
 informs the company that the Rev. Dorsal Fin, of 
 Callereels, is to go dead against the presentee, 
 and is expected to make a slashing speech. 
 
 " I hope he'll flounder in it," observes a witty 
 ecclesiastic from Fisherrow, 
 
S82 THE GENEEAL ASSEMBLY. 
 
 "We must get Greyfriar to tickle his gills," 
 Bays another. 
 
 " If we do, Master Fin will probably catch a 
 crab I" ejaculates an individual with a long clay 
 pipe. 
 
 "By the bye," mutters somebody with a strong 
 Aberdonian accent, " has any one seen Peery or 
 Bourtrief* 
 
 "Yes," answers another, with, if possible, a 
 more strongly marked Bon-Accord twang. 
 " They're too cautious to say much, but wont go 
 against us at all events. Of course, Dudding- 
 stone, and St. Stephens will favour the objec- 
 tors." 
 
 " No doubt of it," obsei-ves he -with the barnacles. 
 
 " Will Ellon speak f asks one who had come 
 thi-ough the fire himself. " He helped me to puE 
 through. I would have been cast but for him." 
 
 " I understand he wont interfere," replies some 
 individual who cannot be seen, so enveloped is he 
 in nubibus, " He's afraid of his schemes in certain 
 quarters." 
 
 So the talk goes on from day to day, and so 
 the glasses go round, while pipes and cigars emit 
 volumes of smoke almost until the horn- fixed for 
 the case coming on. 
 
 So long as it lasts, the work of the law-agent 
 
HINTS TO OUTSIDERS. 583 
 
 IS incessant and harassing. The labour of the 
 Whips of the House of Commons is pretty hard 
 at times, but not so hard as the Whips of the 
 General Assembly. The business of the former 
 is to collect regularly organised forces, that of the 
 latter is first to create supporters, and then to. 
 bring them to the scratch. All this work besides, 
 and much more, must be concentrated into the 
 period of a few days. 
 
 Garrempey, it is needless to say, had a busy 
 time of it, but he was thoroughly up to his busi- 
 ness. A veteran ia church cases, he knew every 
 dodge which could possibly be resorted to by his 
 adversaries, and was ready to meet and prompt 
 to defeat it. Huistan accompanied him wherever 
 he went. He was anxious to hear and see every- 
 thing that was said and done, and would not 
 have missed being present at the " trial," as he 
 called it, for the best pair of bullocks in his stock. 
 He was at all the consultations, and came away 
 therefrom, and especially from a sdance ia the 
 Parliament House, profoundly impressed with the 
 ■\visdom that lurketh tinder a legal wig. 
 
 " Hoo d'ye think the case'U go noo, Mr. Gar- 
 rempey!" he asked, as they retui-ned from the 
 last consultation. 
 
 "Oh, I am pretty sangniiiie, Mr. M'Huistan, 
 
584 LIFE IN MODERN ATHENS. 
 
 although counsel are not. You heard what Mr. 
 Parsons Dodge said ? It'll be a toss up." 
 
 " Ye dinna mean tae say that they'll toss up 
 for'tl" 
 
 "Not exactly," said Garrempey, smiling; "but 
 they thuik it's just a mere chance." 
 
 " Ou ay," replied Huistan ; " but a' things 
 depend on chance, ye ken." 
 
 "Yes; but you don't know the Assembly, and 
 they do. Different men come up every year. It 
 doesn't much signify what the merits of the case 
 are, but it matters a vast deal what the composi- 
 tion of the Assembly is. I think it's a good one 
 for us this year. I have gone carefully over the 
 lists, and I think we ought to carry our man." 
 
 "D'ye tell me sae?" said Huistan, graspiug his 
 hand. " Man, a wad gie a score o' ma best tups 
 tae see hoo Puncheon an' his freens wud look if 
 we win the cause!" 
 
 "Have you seen anything of them 1" 
 "Ou ay; they're a' leeving at the Koyal Hotel. 
 Set them up! But I haena seen that fallow 
 Sneaker wi' them. A hae met them twa three 
 times at the Castle an' atHolyi-ood, but he wasna' 
 amang them." 
 
 "That's strange. He used to be a regular 
 attendant at all the meetmgs in Veto." 
 
LIFE IN MODEEN ATHENS. ■ 583 
 
 " A heerd something when a was leeving hame, 
 tae the effec' that there was a quarrel atween him 
 and Miss M'Corkscrew." 
 
 " There's that wasp, M'Cringer," he continued, 
 as that gentleman and his brother commissioner 
 from the Presbytery of Dunderhead passed. 
 
 "He's been gaun aboot like an evil speerit 
 amang the clergy, trying tae pooshion their minds 
 agin the presentee. A heerd him mysel' tellin' 
 some fearfu' stories tae the minister o' Glengruel. 
 His back was tae me, an' we were a' jammed wi' 
 the crood. A couldna staim't ony langer, sae a 
 said it was a' lees. He turned roon whan he 
 heerd ma voice, an' gied a bit start, but he didna 
 speak. A kent 'the Kev. Mr. Bannock langsyne. 
 Mony a stirk a bocht frae him; so he lauched, and 
 said, ' A see, Huistan, you an' Mr. M'Cringer's no 
 sic guid freens as ye uised tae be. A hae read 
 the Veto case, an' a think puir Ochtertyre has 
 been very ill-uised." 
 
 " Man," continued Huistan, " it wud hae done 
 yer heart guid tae see the wey M'Cringer drew 
 aff— jist like a coUey wi' liis tail atween his legs." 
 
 " Mr. Bannock speered at me, if a kent whaur 
 the presentee was to be foond, as he wished tae 
 see him. He said they were a' at the Ha' 
 thegither ; sae a took him straucht tae the ' Ship.' 
 
S86 LIFE IN MODERN ATHENS. 
 
 They beat a', thae clergy, for smokin' pipes, an' 
 drinkin' yill. Some o' them," he added, " cantak' 
 a guid sloch o' whuskey tael Ye couldna tell 
 ■wha was there for the cloods o' tobacco emoke. 
 Ye wud maist need tae hae a pocket bellows wi' 
 ye, tae blaw awa' the reek frae their faces, that 
 ye micht hae a fan* chaunoe o' kenning freens frae 
 strangers." 
 
 " I know it all, Mi-. M'Huistan," said Garrempey, 
 smiling. " I have seen some queer things in my 
 time, among the ministers during the sitting of 
 the Assembly; but after all, what's about it ? The 
 poor fellows have only the chance once a year, 
 and I think they're quite right to enjoy them- 
 selves. They're away from home, and meet with 
 old college companions, and other friends, whom 
 they have not perhaps seen or heard of for years. 
 They would be more than mortals if they could 
 not unbend and enjoy themselves over a pipe and 
 a social glass, while talking of the days of theii* 
 youth — of early struggles and hard-won success 
 — of the friends who are gone, and changes that 
 have taken place since they entered iipon the 
 rugged path of life." 
 
 "Oul a hae naething tae say agin it at a', 
 Mr. Garrempey. A like tae see ministers enjoy 
 theirsel's like ithev folk, if they dae't in modera- 
 
LIFE IN MODERN ATHENS. 687 
 
 tion, ye ken ; but a can tell ye, a hae seen some 
 o' them sin a cam' here, wha didna just luk tae 
 me as if they'd been verra sparin' o' the Lord 
 High Commissioner's wine an' toddy." 
 
 " Come, come ! Mr. M'Huistan, ye mustn't run 
 down the auld kirk that way. How d'ye know 
 that they were ministers at all I" 
 
 " There's nae doot o' that, ye ken. They had 
 thae white neck-cloths, an' black claes on." 
 
 "Hoots, man! it would be just some of these 
 Free Kirk or U.P. elders. They all wear white 
 ties. They would be dour looldn' fellows, I have 
 no doubt f 
 
 " Weel, they wei'e jist that," said Huistan. 
 
 " And, besides," said Garrempey, with a grin, 
 " did you not know that they're notoriously fond 
 of fish dinners at Lucky Clark's, where we were 
 the other day, and that they drink any quantity 
 of Burntisland whisky f 
 
 " Is that a fac' ? " said Huistan 1 « It'll be jist 
 some o' thae chaps a see'd, for it was frae that 
 direckshun a saw them comin' stoiterin' intil the 
 toon, in the gloamin'. It's an aufu' expense tae 
 keep open hoose at the 'Ship' for a' the ministers 
 an' ithers that come back and fomt." 
 
 " Can't be helped," said GraiTempey, " Must 
 have committee rooms." 
 
583 THE SCOTTISH CARNIVAL. 
 
 " An' a wee drap tae weet yer whussels wi'." 
 
 " There's not much done here now without it. 
 It's all eating and drinking together, from the 
 Lord High Commissioner's dinners to the humble 
 beefsteak and potatoes in the Flesh Market Close. 
 
 " But I shall have to leave you for a few hours, 
 Mr. M'Huistan. Step up to the Assembly, and I 
 shall see you on my return." 
 
 Messrs. Horn and Poind were working with 
 might and main. They had agents in Edinburgh 
 to assist them, but being unaccustomed to the 
 peculiar working of church cases they were left 
 far behind by their opponent. What they 
 wanted, however, in experience, they supplied in 
 energy and watchfulness. They were to be found 
 in the hall, in the lobbies or in the staii's — outside 
 and inside of the railings — ^now pouncing upon 
 one member, anon, holding another by the button- 
 hole — ^pouring into his ear facts and statements 
 by the yard. The whole affair resembled nothing 
 so much as what one sees taking place in the 
 lobbies of the House of Commons, when some 
 important bill, affecting class interests, is being 
 discussed, where members are dogged, waylaid, 
 detained, and entreated to support a modification 
 of one clause, or to oppose another. The 
 difference, however, and it is a very material one, 
 
THE SCOTTISH CARNIVAL. 580 
 
 is, that iu the one house they are engaged in mak- 
 ing laws, while in the other, they are supposed 
 to be only administering them. While, therefore, 
 canvassing may be excusable in the one case, it 
 can never be justified where parties are sitting, 
 not as legislators, but as judges. Yet it is 
 notorious that in the General Assembly the result 
 of a disputed case of settlement is always more 
 or less affected by keen, incessant, and systematic 
 canvassing — not merely by the agents, but by the 
 members of Assembly themselves. 
 
 The objectors had their head quarters at the 
 " Kegent," and thither they repaired to have their 
 final meeting on the evening previous to the case 
 coming on." 
 
 "'What news, Mr. Poind f said Sheepshanks. 
 "We had a long consultation to-day with 
 counsel. I believe the Procurator for the church 
 is with us. One of our counsel learned as much 
 in the Parliament House. He wiU make a speech, 
 of course, which will help us considerably." 
 
 "I have heard," said Puncheon, "that the 
 Assembly isn't swayed very much by what he 
 
 "Who told you that?" said Poind, sharply. 
 '' Well, I met a young friend, who is an advo- 
 cate, and h^ told me he had heard that the 
 
590 THE SCOTTISH CAENIVAL, 
 
 Procurator was rather in favour of the presentee; 
 but he said that the Assembly were always jealous 
 of lawyers, and made a point pretty often of doing 
 exactly the reverse of what the Procurator urged 
 them to do." 
 
 " Your fidend must be a very young advocate, 
 indeed," said Poind, sneeringly. " I should think 
 our counsel ought to know better than he can 
 possibly do." 
 
 " Well, I hope so. I can't make out," he con- 
 tinued, " what has become of Mr. Sneaker. I have 
 not seen him anywhere. I found he had left his 
 card at our hotel before we came to Edinburgh, 
 but he has not called since." 
 
 " I saw him yesterday," said Poind, " in the 
 Assembly, in a corner of the studeiits' gallery." 
 
 "I can't understand it," said Puncheon. 
 
 " He has other fish to fry," said Poind, quietly 
 drawing Puncheon aside. 
 
 " What do you mean, Mr. Poind?" 
 
 " Well, Mr. Pimcheon, I think it my duty to 
 tell you some circumstances which will both 
 astonish and grieve you." Poind then proceeded 
 to inform Mr. Puncheon of the designs which 
 Sneaker had in view, at first with regard to Miss 
 M'Corkscrew and afterwards as to her aunt. 
 
 " YoTi certaialy astonish me, Mr. Poind, "^Tiy, 
 
EXPLANATIONS, 691 
 
 I saw Mrs. M'Ci-eesh yesterday in Princes Street. 
 She Bpoke about Flora and Mr. Sneaker as being- 
 engaged persons in exceedingly kind terms, and 
 hinted as much as that she intended to give her 
 a handsome tocher. She promised to call upon me 
 either here or on my return to Glasgow, to arrange 
 about it." 
 
 Poind was thunderstruck. He looked upon 
 the statement as a mere ruse of the widow, and 
 had no doubt that Sneaker had managed to get 
 her to come into Edinburgh along with his aunt, 
 and that he was keeping out of the way of his 
 Veto friends in consequence. 
 
 " Did she tell you where she lived f said Poind, 
 eagerly. 
 
 " Yes. She's staying in Queen Street. Here's 
 the address. I must look into this matter at 
 once," he said, as he left the meeting. " I shall 
 see Flora immediately." 
 
 The eventM day at last arrived which was to 
 decide the fate of the presentee. The case was 
 to be taken up at three o'clock P.M. At that time 
 the hall was pretty well filled. The Lord High 
 Commissioner was in his seat, surrounded by the 
 youth and beauty of the Scottish capital. Gay 
 uniforms mingled with the light and aiiy dresses 
 of fashionable heilea, while a sea of heads, many 
 
5«2 VETO CASE COMES ON. 
 
 of them bald and reverend, wagging above black 
 coats and wbite neckties, filled the area and side 
 seats. Students mustered in considerable force — 
 sympathisers, as they generally are, with unfor- 
 tunate presentees. Counsel occupied a whole 
 seat, and the line of white wigs offered a pleasing 
 contrast to the all-pervading black. The agents 
 and commissioners fi:om the Presbyteiy and clerks 
 occupied the seat immediately behind the counsel. 
 Garrempey was sitting on the left of the Rev. Mr. 
 M'Cringer, while Mr. Havral Clash was on the 
 right of his reverend brother. The proceedings 
 were opened in a very able speech by one of the 
 junior counsel for the presentee. He went fully 
 over the case, but not so much so as not to leave 
 a good deal for his senior to say when the proper 
 time came. The juniors occupied the court imtil 
 it was time 
 
 " For venerable clerks to hear the chime 
 That calls the saints from holy work to dine.'' 
 
 The case was therefore adjourned till the evening 
 sederunt. 
 
 The junior counsel resumed their arguments to 
 a house which was not quite so fiiU as when the 
 case began. Many of the members were still 
 stretching their legs imder the hospitable mahot 
 
CASE GOING ON. 593 
 
 gany of the Lord High Commissioner, or enjoying 
 themselves at private parties, and it was pretty 
 late in the evening before they found their way up 
 the High Street. The Hall then began to fill 
 rapidly. The junior counsel for the objectors was 
 still upon his legs. Before he had concluded, 
 the house was completely crowded. Members 
 appeared to be in excellent good humour. Faces 
 that had looked pale and careworn during the 
 day were now glistening with a roseate hue and 
 beaming expression. There is virtue in a good 
 dinner and generous wine. 
 
 "Good house," whispered Garrempey to his 
 senior counsel, Dodge. 
 
 " Rather. Who's to make our motion V 
 
 " Greyfriar." 
 
 "And the seconder?" 
 
 " Peery." 
 
 "Good. How's Fin f 
 
 " Dead against." 
 
 « Hum— and Holland Rilll " 
 
 "Ditto. But I have secured Bourtree and 
 Bulloch." 
 
 " Good again. What about Ellon! " 
 
 " Won't interfere." 
 
 " Sure he won't speak"?" 
 
 "Quite." 
 
 2p 
 
594 CASE GOING ON. 
 
 "All right. I was told he was to oppose us. 
 Who makes the counter motion? " 
 
 « Holland Rill; but the Friar will do for him." 
 
 « I think 80 Who follows ? " 
 
 " Duddingstone." 
 
 " We'll do. Give me the notes I left with you. 
 I see I must begin." 
 
 The learned gentleman then began a very- 
 powerful and telling speech. He made several 
 excellent points, and was cheered in a manner 
 which visibly dismayed the objectors. He traced 
 the case from the beginning — showed that the 
 design of the objectors was to secm-e the parish 
 for that amiable, young, and vigorous individual, 
 Mr. Sneaker — that being disappointed in this 
 object, by the presentation having been given to 
 another, who laboured imder the fatal disquahfi- 
 cation of being a married man, they had got up 
 this opposition before he had even preached his 
 trial discourses, and that they had done all in their 
 power to prejudice the minds of the parishioners 
 against him. " With all their endeavours, how- 
 ever," said the learned gentleman, "they were 
 only able to get some forty or fifty of their own 
 immediate dependents to sign the objections ; 
 while the call was subscribed by some five 
 himdred parishionei's. In fact, the people were 
 
CASE GOING ON. §95 
 
 so anxious to have the presentee as theii- 
 minister, that they had voluntarily got up a 
 subscription to enable the case to be brought 
 before the Assembly." He then analyzed the 
 objections, and the evidence adduced in support 
 of them. He showed that the objectors had 
 subscribed the document containing them with- 
 out knowing what they had signed; that their 
 evidence was merely an iteration of that of the 
 Rev. Mr. M'Cringer, of Mr. Sneaker, and of Miss 
 M'Corkscrew, who were examined at the outset, 
 to give the cue to those who were to follow, who 
 were utterly ignorant themselves, and mere tools 
 in the hands of designing and unscrupulous men. 
 "What, therefore," he asked, "was the value of 
 that evidence? Did the parties who had been 
 examined show that they went to hear the pre- 
 sentee with proper feelings, or did they comport 
 themselves Kke Christians in the house of prayer? 
 What were Miss M'Corkscrew and her lover, Mr. 
 Sneaker, doing? Why, they were laughing! So 
 was that exemplary divine, the Rev. Alister 
 M'Cringer, whose conduct throughout the whole 
 of this case ought to be visited with the Severest 
 reprehension." 
 
 The learned counsel concluded a speech of 
 considerable length, and of persuasive eloquence; 
 
596 M'CEINGEE KISBS. 
 
 by expressing his conviction that the Assembly 
 would have no difficulty in sustaining the 
 appeal of the presentee, and reversing the 
 findings of the Presbytery. At the conclusion 
 of this address, there was long and continued 
 ruffing, which was with some difficiUty sup- 
 pressed. 
 
 The cotmsel for the objectors was next heard. 
 He evidently felt that he had not the sympathy 
 of the Assembly with him. He endeavom-ed, 
 however, to make the most of his case, but the 
 work was not a labour of love. He attempted to 
 follow his opponents over the ground they had 
 traversed, and to refute their arguments, by read- 
 ing copious extracts from the evidence, but he 
 was listened to with marked impatience, and was 
 frequently interrupted. After speaking for about 
 an hour and a half, he was glad to sit down, 
 expressing his belief that the Assembly would 
 dismiss the appeal and sustain the deliverance of 
 the inferior court. 
 
 The Kev. Mr. M'Cringer now rose to defend 
 the judgment of the Presbytery. He was received 
 with immistakable disapprobation. He had not 
 proceeded far with his speech, when ciies of " Cut 
 it short I" were heard in the gallery. He went on, 
 however, and seemed to be speaking with con- 
 
TUCGED ASTERN. 597 
 
 eiderable vehemence, but a great part of what he 
 said was not heard on account of the noise and 
 ironical cheers. 
 
 The Rev. Havral Clash had turned his back, 
 and was leaning his head upon his hand, absorbed 
 in silent grief on account of the turn matters were 
 taking. A wicked thought entered into Garrem- 
 pey's head. He quietly stretched his arm behind 
 M'Cringer's back, and gave his coat tail a pull on 
 the side next to his reverend confrere. The effect 
 was exactly what he had anticipated. M'Cringer 
 turned round and whispered in his colleague's 
 ear, " Just a few minutes longer." He did not 
 wait to hear the moody " Eh 1" of his sorrowing 
 companion, but contimied to speak with increased 
 energy. In a few minutes afterwards, Garrempey 
 gave another and stronger pull at the coat — " Only 
 a few words more," said M'Cringer, inclining his 
 head towards the same quarter. He resumed his 
 observations amidst hisses, ruffing, and ironical 
 cheers. At last Garrempey again stretched forth 
 his arm, and gave a tug of such persuasive and 
 effectual power as brought the reverend orator to 
 his seat, amidst laughter and ruffing from all 
 quarters. 
 
 " I could do no more," said M'Cringer, addres- 
 sing his forlorn coadjutor, in the full belief that he 
 
69S BROUGHT TO AN ANCHOR. 
 
 had given him the warning signals to stop his 
 oration. 
 
 The counsel for the presentee did not consider 
 it necessary to reply. 
 
 Parties were then removed, and the Assembly 
 had the discussion all to themselves. Several 
 members spoke before any motion was made. At 
 last the Rev. Dr. Holland RUl rose, and after a 
 speech which was very unfavourably received, 
 moved, " That the Assembly dismiss the appeal 
 for the presentee, sustain the deliverance of the 
 Presbytery of Dunderhead, refusing to proceed with 
 his settlement in the parish of Veto, and that the 
 clerk be instructed to intimate this deliverance to 
 the patron." 
 
 This motion was duly seconded. — Enquiry 
 was then made whether there was any counter- 
 motion. 
 
 The Rev. Dr. Greyfriar rose, amidst great 
 cheering, and in a remarkable speech, which 
 elicited frequent applause, went over the whole 
 case, and concluded by moving "That the 
 Assembly sustain the appeal, reverse the deliv- 
 erance of the Presbytery of Dunderhead, and 
 remit to that body to proceed with the settlement 
 of the presentee according to the law of the 
 church." 
 
PAST MIDNIGHT, 599 
 
 The motion was seconded by Dr, Peery. 
 
 Then that fiery and restless orator, the Rev, 
 Dorsal Fin, who had frequently and rudely inter- 
 nipted the previous speaker, rose, and in a 
 slashing speech, combated the views of the mover 
 of the second motion. 
 
 He was frequently interrupted by stinging 
 remarks and observations from various members; 
 but, like the buU tormented by darts in the arena, 
 he was rendered thereby only more furious and 
 determined. Nature can, however, only hold out 
 for a certain time, and at last this reverend 
 Boanerges simk into his seat exhausted. 
 
 The discussion was prolonged until three 
 o'clock in the morning, amidst almost continual 
 cries of " Divide, divide." At last the doors were 
 shut, and the division began. The Assembly 
 agreed to take the vote as for the first and second 
 motion. Now hearts began to beat quickly, as 
 member after member, in answer to their names 
 called out FIRST — SECOND. Thus did the division 
 go on, xmtil it became evident that second would 
 win the day. It was about four o'clock in the 
 morning, yet nobody seemed tired, so great was the 
 excitement. When the list had been gone over, 
 and the clerk intimated that there was a majority 
 of seventy-five for the second motion, a loud cheer 
 
600 HURRA.H ! JUSTICE TRIUMPHS. 
 
 rang through the hall — the presentee was in tears — 
 Huistan was blubbering for joy — ^MissM'Corkscrew 
 had fainted — and Sneaker, who was in the gallery, 
 hid his face in his hat. Sheepshanks, Puncheon, 
 Stirk, and Portei', looked at one another, but said 
 nothing. M'Cringer, and his fellow-commissioner 
 hastily left their seats and slunk away as fast as 
 they could. And so ended "THE OPPOSITION IX 
 THE PARISH OF VETO." 
 
 It was a strange sight to see the long pent-up 
 crowd pouring down in all directions from the 
 old town at such an vmusual hour. Over the 
 Mound, down the High Street, by every avenue, 
 in short, tlnrough which they could get egress, 
 rushed along, old and young — sedate gentlemen 
 in full-dress costume, flanked by bodies of laugh- 
 ing beaux and chattering belles. A stranger 
 would have fancied that some ball upon an un- 
 usually grand scale had just broken up. The 
 moon shone beautifully over bastion and tower of 
 the old Castle, glinting in silvery beams through 
 the leafy branches of the trees beneath. It was 
 a lovely morning. Nature was in a mood delight- 
 fully calm and serene. The stars were beginning 
 to retire before the approach of morn, and while 
 the busy human throng which swept past were 
 intent upon seeking repose, the little warblers of 
 
EXEUNT OMNES. 601 
 
 the neighbouring gardens were just leaving their 
 nests to greet the dawning day. There were sad 
 as well as joyous hearts among that crowd. Poor 
 Miss M'Corkscrew saw her hopes extinguished. 
 She now knew that her lover had proved faith- 
 less, for she had been informed of what Poind had 
 told Mr. Puncheon. Mr. Ochtertyre thanked 
 heaven for his success. He had triumphed over 
 persecution and slander. His wife and little ones, 
 for whom he had fought, would now rejoice and 
 reap the benefit of increased worldly prosperity. 
 Huistan went capering about like a frolicsome 
 elephant, most anxiously looking to catch a 
 glimpse of Sheepshanks and Stirk, whom he 
 particularly detested. These individuals, how- 
 ever, had disappeared, and Huistan saw theii" 
 faces in Auld Reekie no more. Sneaker wandered 
 he hardly knew where. What his thoughts were 
 it is needless to say. He had seen Miss M'Cork- 
 screw faint in the arms of her cousin, and did not 
 feel very comfortable in reflecting upon his con- 
 duct. One thing, however, pre-ocoupied his mind 
 — ^he had heard that Mrs. M'Creesh was in Edin- 
 burgh, 
 
 "What can she be doing hereT' he asked him- 
 self. 
 
 Before he coiild form anything like a probable 
 
602 WHO CAUGHT THE WIDOW! 
 
 answer to this question, he found himself at the 
 door of the lodgings taken by Dr, Creed previous 
 to starting for Perthshire, and in which he was to 
 await their return. They arrived that morning 
 in time for breakfast. 
 
 " So you have lost yottr case, it seems I" said 
 the Doctor. 
 
 "The presentee has won," said Sneaker, 
 gloomily. " I expected as much." 
 
 " Were the speeches good V 
 
 "The counsel for the presentee spoke very 
 well ; but the counsel for the objectors did not 
 make so much of the case as we expected." 
 
 "Indeed. Hallo!" said the Doctor, opening 
 his eyes and nibbing his nose. "What's this? 
 Why, I declare! Really I can't believe my 
 eyes !■" 
 
 " What is it, my dear f said Mrs. Creed. 
 
 " Well, who would have thought it," said the 
 Doctor, laying down a newspaper which he had 
 just been reading. 
 
 "What is itf said Mrs. Creed again, with 
 intense curiosity depicted on her countenance. 
 
 "Listen," said the Doctor. "At 24 Queen 
 
 Street, Edinburgh, on the inst., by the Rev. 
 
 Roderick M'Rory, Jeremiah Leek, Esq., nursery- 
 man and seedsman, Crossmimgo, to Euphemia 
 
WHO ATE THE LEEK? 608 
 
 Dougal, relict of Hugh M'Creesh, Esq., soap and 
 tallow merchant, Glasgow. No cards." 
 
 "Mercy on us!" exclaimed Mrs. Creed, "it's 
 hdv gardener !" 
 
 Sneaker groaned, and rising, hurriedly left the 
 room. 
 
 " This will be a dreadful blow to poor Adam I" 
 eaid Mrs. Creed. 
 
 " So it will," replied the Doctor. 
 
 " Well, well," observed Mrs. Creed, " I really 
 thought she had made up her mind to have him, 
 after what she said to me. She has acted very 
 deceitftilly. It's all over the city they were to be 
 married this month. I can't understand it." 
 
 Mrs. M'Creesh was one of those women who, to 
 use a common expression, saw through a mill-stone 
 as far as most people. She was not ignorant of 
 the motives which produced the devoted atten- 
 tions of Messrs. Sneaker and Poind, and she had 
 a malicious satisfaction in leading them as far on 
 the ice as humoured her own caprice. She had, 
 no doubt, been thinking of matrimony — Shaving 
 felt the want of a suitable companion; but neither 
 of the two aspirants to her hand and fortune was 
 the sort of man she thought of having. She 
 wanted one approaching, as nearly as possible, to 
 the late lamented partner she had lost, and the 
 
604 THREADS OF OUR STOBY. 
 
 mantle of the departed M'Ci-eesh seemed to have 
 fallen upon the shoulders of her gardenei*. 
 
 She sought no genteel connections. Jeremiah 
 Leek was considerably her junior, it is true. He 
 ■was a good-looking man ; but what was of more con- 
 sequence in the eyes of the widow, he was steady, 
 sober, and honest, and possessed strong religious 
 feelings. He falfilled, in her opinion, the Scripture 
 injimction — " Not slothful in business ; but fervent 
 ill spirit, serving the Lord," He had been with 
 her for several years, and by his shrewdness and 
 intelligence, gradually raised himself in her esti- 
 •mation. Latterly he had taken charge of her 
 whole property, and collected her rents and feu 
 duties. In short, she had elevated him to the 
 position of a land steward, or factor. To put an 
 end to farther importunities by her new admii-ers, 
 she resolved to take a step which she had been 
 meditating some time before — she popped the 
 question to the gardener, was duly accepted, and, 
 after being " cried ance," as she said, " in the kii-k 
 o' Crossmimgo," whilst her friends were all in 
 Edinburgh, the loving paiz- found their way to the 
 capital, where they were united in the holy bonds 
 of matrimony by a second cousin of the happy 
 bridegroom. 
 
 Poind took the earliest opportunity, after the 
 
WOO'D AN' MARRIED AN' A'. 605 
 
 case was over, of calling at the address given to 
 him by Mr. Puncheon, and asking if Mrs. M'Creesh 
 were at home. The servant, who came to the 
 door, stared in his face. " There's no Mrs. M'Creesh 
 here. Sir!" 
 
 " I can't be mistaken," said Poind ; " I got the 
 address from a gentleman, to whom she gave it 
 herself." 
 
 "Oh! that must have been before she got 
 married." 
 
 " Married 1" said Poind, in amazement. 
 " Yes, married," said the girl. " She's now Mrs. 
 Jeremiah Leek. She left here the other day for 
 Glasgow." 
 
 Poor Poind looked bewildered. 
 "AVell, well!" he ejaculated at last, "I'm glad 
 she hasn't married that fellow Sneaker, at any 
 rate." 
 
 Our narrative now draws near its close. We 
 have merely to say that, in the course of time, 
 Miss M'Corkscrew, like a good many other love- 
 sick damsels, got over her grief, and was married 
 to a worthy sheep-farmer ; and that Mrs. Jeremiah 
 Leek, who was really fond of her niece, gave her 
 a tocher of five thousand pounds on her marriage 
 day, irrespective of the liferent provision already 
 settled upon her. Miss M'Phillabeg and Mr. 
 
606 BOO'D, MISCARRIED AN' A'. 
 
 Porter were also united on the same occasioUi 
 Although Mrs. M'Corkscrew was obliged to vacate 
 the manse, she found a comfortable asylum in 
 the house of her son-in-law, and had the pleasure 
 of seeing several rosy grand-children, striving 
 for precedence on her knee. Mr. Ochtertyre was 
 duly inducted into the church, and took quiet 
 possession of his manse and glebe. As for 
 Sneaker, he got morose and sullen. He became 
 disgusted with himself and every body else, and, 
 as a necessary consequence, other people got 
 disgusted Avith him. He ceased to be an attrac- 
 tion in Glasgow society as rapidly as he had 
 become so, and emigrated to New Zealand, with 
 the view, probably, of converting the Hau Haus 
 from Pai Marirism, and persuading them to abstain 
 from pickled Missionary. When last heai-d of, he 
 was at the Hokatiki diggings with a swag upon 
 his back, prepariag to go upon a prospecting 
 expedition. He preached . occasionally to the 
 diggers when their cash was short and their 
 spirits were low, at which time only they are in a 
 mood to listen to anything so serious as a sermonj 
 but he took kindly to the pick and shovel, and 
 seemed to be living a jolly life. 
 
 Mr. Garrempey still follows the profession of 
 the law in Auld Reekie, but he has pretty often 
 
CONCLUSION. 607 
 
 sundry misgivings that a great and momentous 
 cliange is impending, -which will overturn the 
 old-fashioned state of things in that profession. 
 He has strong hopes, however, that the Royal 
 Commission which was obtained by Lord West- 
 bury to inquire into the state of the Judicature in 
 Scotland, but the members of which have been 
 appointed by the Tories, will be able, by a judi- 
 cious selection and examination of witnesses, to 
 show that the monopolies and privileges of 
 metropolitan lawyers should remain intact. The 
 select and unprejudiced body of men who com- 
 pose the majority of that Commission are presently 
 engaged in taking evidence in Edinburgh with a 
 secrecy and mdfiance of publicity which could 
 hardly have been surpassed by a camera stellata. 
 So far, however, as it is possible to learn anything 
 of their doings, it is not improbable that our friend 
 Gabby will mix up an extra tumbler, and quaff it 
 off with additional relish, after reading over the 
 report with which they are pretty sure to close 
 their laborious and eminently clandestine pro- 
 • ceedings. 
 
 Hiustan M'Huistan still continues his vocation 
 of landlord of the " Inns" at Porterbier, and is 
 always ready and willing to entertain men and 
 horses on moderate terms, and to recount the 
 
608 CONCLUSION. 
 
 Veto Case to any of his. guests who may choose 
 to seek his compauy over a bowl of ptmch. 
 .■ As to Poind, we believe he still Hves a life of 
 single blessedness, but vows to have nothing more 
 to do with such cases as 
 
 ^\it (Opposition in t\jt ^arislj o£ Feto. 
 
 OLASQOW: 
 
 DVNN AND -VrRIGHH 
 
 VKINTEKS. 
 
REMORSE.