PRSCE 10 CENTS, 5giiiiiiigi[iiiipjiiiii^r±i5d^ri5;ri^ a THAT DUTCHMAN. » OR m GERMAN BARBER'S HUMOROUS SKETCHES. By JULIAN E. RALPH. J. S. OGILVIE, PUBLISHER, 57 Rose St., New York ; 182 Wabash Ave., Chicago. oiililiiiliiiiiSiJlililiiiiilili THE FIRESIDE SERIITS, No. «3, Issued Moiitlily. SiiLs^tion Price, $3.00 per Year. May, 18S9. Copyright ISt^y. Entered at New Votk Post-Office as Second-clflsB matter^- hdies Home Gompafiion. A PRACTICAL HOUSEHOLD JOURNAL. JTow In itSvieth year, well eetabliehed, tried aud trne, as ait-; tested by a constituency of over Three Hundred ThouBaiid Eeaders. The publiBhers, desirous of extending its inAuence "^- a half million homes, offer 3 Moutlis trial ^- Only 10 Cents ""■" StampSi 10 cts. will secure 6 NtratBp^^Siof this charmiugr perfodieal, (all differ- ent), each copy e<;^iial ia sizei quality, amount of reading matter, etc., to other illustrated papers that cost 10 cents a copy, or $4.0Q a jreiti'.g, '?;,'> The Ladies Home Companion is bea,il|ifdny illustrated, ' printed on tine, cre&m'^tilvtea paper, and has a more brilliant array of con- tributors than ever before, consisting of Eight Regular Editors and Scores of Eminent w^piters. Whose facile pens ■will furnish Slioirtv. and Continued Stories of absorhiog.; interest, while all branches of houser^ hold economy that can possibly cofflS^ within the good housewife's province will be ably treated. -J ■PT? A r'TTr' A T This depart- rSSiJX\jXX\jJ\lj mentisawell- HOUSEKEEPING.riJifst'gtJ: tions for every branch of housekeeping, in- cluding a large vaiiety of tested recipes, and how to prepare them at the least expense, in dainty and appetizing forms : also, liintsfor ^ _ table decorations, methods of work, etc. T?flQTlfii(YWQ Or/WHAT TO WEAR AND HOW TO MARE IT. JC .aO.HX\/AV Uj Artistic illustrations and descriptions of, with the newest and latest Styles and Novelties in Ladies' and Children's Dresses, HatSi Bonnets and other garments, with directions that enable one to dress well and economically. TR'fiTffPV tXrri'R'l?' These departments give elegant illustrations anil £ JXVtXj 1. W vXbJIk* plain directions showing how to m&'K.e all kindaiof TIT'PO'R ATTrtTWQ fancy work, embroideries, needlework, crochieting, XIXi\j\fJMlXXJ.\IViat knitting, suggestions for ornamenting roonis, dec- orating furniture, curtains, etc, lUr/lPfiTTXi'D C find the portion devoted to them invaluable, and filled with a ITXVXiUJiAtO wide range of helpful suggestions obtained from practical ex- perience relating to a mother's duties. OCCUPATIONS FOR -WOTiiES.-^^s^l^tl^^ZS^&^i in reference to those things that Atfivea, mothers and single women are doing to earn money, while in all its oepartmeatB it is the most complete, most readable alid Most Fascinating Ladies Paper Publisbed. ETIQUETTE at home and abroad, at the table and on the street, at public gatherings, etc. TOII^ET.— Recipes and hints for care of liands, face, teeth, eyes, hair, etc., color and harmony in dress, etc. DEPORTMENT. —Rules, usages and ceremonies of good society, letter writing, good manners, the art of con- versing well, accompUstnnents, home training. So popular Uve our publioations booome that more than a million psople read them regularly, MenHon this paper and address LADIES HOME COMPANION, Philadelphia, Pa, "That Dutchman," OB THE German Barber's Humorous Sketches. By JuIvIAN E. Rai^ph. "Dis leedle booh was so funny, it makes schmiles cum all ofer me. Aind it f" COPYHIGHT, 1889, BY J. S. OgILVIK. J. S. OGILVIE, Publisher, «7 Rose Street, New Yoke ; 182 Wabash Ave., Chicaoo, Kh < A COMPLETE STORY IN EACH NUMBER. >• ^Ti.?.?^ J. S. OGILVE, PEllislier, 57 Rose Street, New Yort 60 Centt, Per Yor, f^ I desire to call your attention to this new publication offep- ing complete stories at the nominal price of five cents each. Each number is bound in handsome paper cover and contaiiu a complete story by a popular American or English Authok among -^hom are May Agnes Fleming, "Author of Dote Thorne," Charles Dickens, Charles Beade, Mrs. O. F. Waltoij, "Author of A Bad Boy's Diary," "William Black, Mary Cecil Hay. The following stories (complete) are in the first six numbers : No. 1. Fated to Marry. By May Aohss Flemino. " 2. Blunders of a Bashfal Man. By " ADTHott OF A Bad Boy's Diary." " S. Ninety-Nine Becitatlons and Readings. No. 4. The Lost Bank Note. By Mrs. Heney Wood. " 5. Wedded and Parted. By " Author op Dora Thobot." " e. Christie's Old Organ. By Mrs. O. F. Waltok. All who read choice fiction can at once see the advantage of this publication over those which have continued stories from week to week or from month to month, as in this publication every story is complete, and they are not short sketches, but stories which if issued in regular book form would make from 180 to 350 pages each. Price of each number, only B cents. It is issued monthly. Sold by all booksellera and news- dealers, or mailed to any address on receipt of price by J. S, OGILVIE, Publisher, 57 Roae street, wew Toitc BREFA CE. Der gusdimers in a harper shop haf noding else to done vile dent peen getting shafed, and so dem dalk der bote of a harper's ears off. Some harpers vait undil dem shafing arount a gusdimer's chin, or vill vent so far as to sdufffull a gusdimer's mout mit soap yet, so dem can demsellufs get der edge of a vord site- vays in. I dink I done more pedher as dem vays by brinding a few of der pesd dings I haf got myselluf off of for bresendation to my gusdimers, at der shmall expenses of dwendy-fife cent. The majority of these interviews with the philosophical German barber and his lively assistant have appeared in the New York " Sun," mainly in its Sunday editions, during the past eight months ; a few of the shorter ones appear here for the first time. The first one ever published was that obtdined on the hottest day in 1882, and headed in this collection, "Ninety-nine in the Shade." That formed a portion of a longer article. The one that really led the series was that now entitled, " The Secret of Happy Wedded Life." J. E. R. Ogilvie's Pocket Manual and Universal ASSISTANT. COKTAIK9 One Million Useful Facts and Figures. IT IS WORTH $5.00 BUT COSTS ONLY 25 CENTS. J, _-i^ The times are peculiarly WORTH T 5 11 f"^^^"^ ■ ii'fll calculated to increase every person^s desire to make and save money. New and im- proved management of busi- ness and financial affairs, and economy in daily expen- ses of all Idnds, are tlie uni- versal study. And almost everyone has felt the need— the great and pressing need, sometimes — of a concise and throughly PRACTICAL hand boolE, calculated to aid him in his plans of thrift and management. Especially Is there a demand for a low- priced volume of this charac- ter, for the self -education of young men and young wo- men for the realities of life on the farm, and in the counting-room, the work- shop, and the household. To meet this great popu- lar want, this valuable worlE has been prepared. It is a re- marlcable book. It contains a larger amount of valuable information on practical matters, in shape for ready u«e, than can be bought in any other form for $16.00, yet is sold at only 2S cents. It Is invoZuable to Every Farmer, Every Mechanic, Every Workman, Every Book-keeper, Every Tradesman, Every Machinist, Every Clerk, Every Investor, Every Land Owner, Every Housekeeper, Every Professional Man, Every Letter Writer, Every Patentee, Every Author, In fact no person who can read the English language should be without a copy of it. Bound in limp cloth, 35 oentB ; heavy silk doth, £0 cents. Send 35 Cents at once for a sample copy and asents termsi It contains about 250 pages and Is tor sale by every newsdealer and book- seller in the United States, and on all trains, or It will be sent by mail, postpaid, •B receipt of price, by J. S. OQILVIE, PUBUSHBR, p. O. B«x 8767. 67 Bom Str««t, New York. THE SUtrS GERMAN BARBER. AN OPPORTUNITY FOR A MILLIONAIRE. VON of der richest of my feefdeen cent gusdimers has peen to me gomblaining apowd der hart dimes der rich are enchoying choost now. "Did you nodice," he hat sayt, "bretty near effery legisladure bedween New Chersey and' California has peen at gread bains, dis vinder, to make owd some law vich vill less bleasant make der managemend of rail- rodes (pills apowd how should dem dreat der embloyees, how should dem der dracks fence in, how dem such and such oxbensif inwentions got to haf) ? Py Cracky, ven some of dem Vesdem sdadesmen shall apowd der Wanderpilt ball reat, dem vill dry to bass a few more laws bermitting railrotes to run THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. on Duesdays und Saturdays a leedle, brovided dem got four sdeel dracks und haf sadisfieiefferypoddy der line of der roads along." " Veil," I hat sayt, " der more indelligence der beeple got, der more vill dem obchect to ricK, beeple haffing any more baplic brivileges as der boor, und der more vill dem dry to gfif all hants a fair shance. But der vay it is now, alretty, der rich can shtand a heap of letchislation und downtrodding pefore I vill felt like giffing 'em my symbathy — unless dem veel like burchasing symbathy of me at der highest market brices. In such a gase like dot — as der money rolled in und I mineselluf got rich, I brobably vould pegin to a virst glass ardicle haf on hant. Dot's a puUy obbordunity for some poor tewil of a millionaire." ' HIS BROTHER'S PROSPECTS. MINE bro-der vich choost from Chermany gfame, goes right avay in peezness, yet alretty." " What business ?" "Any peezness. Dot ton'd madder vot peezness. But he vos such a pig vool vot he ton'd got at all any prains. Dot is yy I know he vill got rich like a leedle Chay Gould. "Vellers like you mit prains und prains, und nodding put shdummicks und prains, you all der vile oxbect to in von min- nid a vortune make py Vail sdreed und der loddery. Der whole gundry is growded by young vellers vich are all going to pe Wanderpilts der-morrow right avay— und all sbending vot dey got in parrooms und such dings all der vile. "But my bro-der, he vill choost his goat hang up und his sleefes roll off, und vork avay like a sdeam enchine, und in dwendy year he vill peen so rich as a house afire." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. AN OPINION OF THE PENAL CODE. VOOD you dempt me to gommit a grime for fifdeen cents — or for ten cents, mitout pay rum ?' " Veil, my boverdy bodders me more as my honesdy. I vill do if, but I cannot drust you not to invorm agensd me — pecaifs& it is der rule py der shop not to drust. " Now my vrend, you vos pom by America, und I been' an American citizen. Ve oughder veel broud of dot. Here ve pe mit de door poked und parred, mit the vinder plindstrawn town, und mit der gas puming by der taylight. Der achent uf der society vich idself vorks on Sunday to keep der rest der people from vorking is shpying at ter door. Der boleese are rushing der sdreed along mit harpers, krocers, und putchers py der nape der neck, und vill dem all lock up py der chails. Der leedle newspoys peen; vrightened out of deir lifes. Und here ve are drempling like bickbockets for fear ve peen arrestet. Now led us dry dot pootivul hymn to rememper : My coundry dis uf dee, Sveet lant uflipercy. " I can get a nutshell insite der whole dings. Der benal gode been in der inderest uf golt water. Veil, I peen in favor of larker peer; ven haf effer you heert of larker peer doing such dam- itches vot der water in der Rhine riffer done last veek in Europe ? " Der patber py der next shair, vich is dot veller vot g^azy chokes got vere oughder peen his prains, he got himzelluf off von vunny dings. He trearaed he tied, he sayt, und vent to heflen ; und shtanding per gate arount vos a big growd of beeple. Some of dem his vrends peen. Den gomes St. Beder oud. ' So hellup me crashus!' he hat sayt, 'vy how vos dees? Here comes every tay a barty of New Yorgers. I neffer haf some New Yorgers zeen pefore.' " ' I vill choost dell you aboud dot,' one of dem vellers hat sayt ; ' ve used to pe like der rest der vorld, but now ve got to gome" here by der law.' " Py shimminy hooky,, dot parber a fool of himself makes mit zuch a chokes like dot." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. AMERICA AND EUROPE CONTRASTED. I USED to dink I vood go pack to Chermany, but sinz der election I dink I vill zettle down und do der rest of my peer • trinking und shafing mit der Yankees. By chiminy hookey ! how mat dem Rebublicans been ! Dey gan't sit still to got shafed. Dey zay ve haf mit ter tevil gone, und ve vill haf noding but Pill Tweeds und such dings for Bresidents after dis. Vot do I say ? I choost keep my moud shut und say ' yah, yah.' But I dink de oder side of my moud. I dink it vos pully, und ven I git a Temograt by der shop all alone I choost vant to shake hands mit him, und send out for peer, and shafe him free gracious for nodings" " I am a Tutchman und poor like der tickens, but I don't vos a fool. I see in Harper's Veekly bictures eiiery veek how der Republicans been a pig elephant und der Demograts been a leedle chack tonkey. Veil, next veek dem bicture vellers haf got to saw off some of dem elephant's leeks. Ain't it ? " My vrend, choost begause I am liffing a cellar inside, don'd you dink I can'd see der moon. Europe is like a shop full of bianos, und der kings blay der moosic, but in dis guntry der beo- ble blay der biano, und ven dey touch der. keys der boliticians bop up und down like dem dings in der bowels of a biano. Der beoble hit all der keys at vonce last Duesday. By hookey ! der Yankees blay bopular moosic on der biano vonce effery fife or sex years. " Der parber by der next shair vich ort to pe a nigger tancer begause of his chokes, he dold me yesterday dot der Rebub- licans been so vond of imbroving riffers and harbors, dey got a chance now to imbrove Salt Creek. Dot feller is dwice too awfully choUy. He makes me laugh till I got a stomach ache by my head." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBEX. WHY DO BARBERS TALK SO MUCH? DOT vos, all humbucks. Der barbers don't dalk much. Dem dalk choost enough. Pefore I vos a barber und got rich und gondented like I been now, I vos der whole vorld all of er, und verever I vent der barbers had der same consdidushun of demselves. Dem all der dime dalked I found me out how dot vos since I been der peezness inside. There must been choost so und so much dalk, und ven der gustomer is being sfiafed und has mit soapsuds his mout full, den der barber dalks dwice so much, vonce for himself und vonce for der gustomer. ,'' Parbers are choost Uke der rest der beeples. I find dis out when I cut about parbers' dings der newsbabers out. Py hookey, I vos bretty near drowned mit so many dings. I haf von of dem dings by my head. It vos about a barber shop vich had a eading houses untemead in Baris, und der two vorked together by demselves. Der vay it got out vos dis vay : Von dime a soldier und his sweetheart vent together mit each oder. Der soldier dolt der girl to vait py der eading houses vile he got shafed. Den der parber cut his throat. Der girl vos buzzled ven she ran agross von of his buttons by his goat, but ven she had vound his zuspenders vich she herzelf had made, by hookey, she vent und gomblained of der bolice. " Der parber py der next shair vich all der vile foolishness makes, he says he had heard of a man vich used to go in der parber shops and say: 'You speak English here?' If der parber had said ' Yes,' dot man vent right avay out, but if der parber said ' No,' he vould make bantomime motions of his hands that he would like to been shafed. " Dot feller zomedimes makes me zick mit laughing. He says if a dalkative gustomer vos getting shafed, und der parber vos vorking on his chin, und der dalking makes der chin go up and down, c^er parber must dake der vords out of his mouth, oder- vise he vill been cut." to THE SUITS GERMAlf BARBER. NINETY-NINE IN THE SHADE! THE bakers, shoemakers, upholsterers, tinkers, laundry- men and cooks came up from the cellars and sat on top steps, all looking worn and hollow-eyed and hot. All except one, a barber in Fourth avenue, not far from the Cooper Union ; and he was cool, dry, and bright-eyed, with only an intimation of beer in his breath and an occasional inartistic ), slap from his lather brush to show that, however he tried to hide it, the weather bothered him a trifle. " Dot vos a funny guntry," said he, referring to the United States. " Der beeple are grazy about der vedder. I dink it don't vos more as dree weeks ago ven effety von of my gustimers he comes in mit his hands his pockets in, buffing and plowing, und he says, ' Py chiminy ! Heinrich, vot's der metter py der vedder.' It pin gold like Gristmas der whole year round, und a man has got ter spend all he can save puying of ercoats and dings. I dink THE SUITS GERMAN BARBER. if it keeps on a long vile dis vill bin der end py der vferld.' Der parber py der next shair — ^you know der feller — he's all der dime funny like a monkey mit his chokes and humbucks — he got him- self off a puHy choke by von of dem kickers. I gried mit laugh- ing. He says to dem fellers, ' May be you petter go und make someding out py Sullivan, der prize fighter, ain't it ? He'll make you gry your face around der udder side uf your mout.' "Veil, now, choost look. at der" beeble. Dey are all grazy 'bout der heat. 'Py krashus, Heinrich,' dem zay to me, 'vot der tevvil's up py der vedder? Has der sun pought a house py Harlem for der summer? Do you dink if der sun vent out and fell in der ocean der city vood get cool in den years? Hurry up, right avay ; shafe me vonce ofer und let me dake der next shteamboat by Goney Island.' Py hookey, dot parber py der next shair he dold me der beeple all been going to strike for more money on account dey put- all der vages in lager beer. Dot vbs a choke he made up for fun. But der beeble all peen grazy." "You know vot I do? I let alone der whole pizness. If it vos hot like a house afire, I don't say a vord. I make out I vos some Oder blace, and I shafe away und neffer get oxcited. Py and py, some day, it vos gool again, and den der oder fellers kicks about dot, but I ydost keep on shafing and shafing, und I don't say noddings all der vile." THE SHIRT COLLAR OF TO-DAY. "T TELL, !^r. Beders, shall I shafe your neck, or vill you V choost a' hair cut haf ? If you vant dot goUar shafed more bedher you let a Chinee parber do 'em mit a vashpoard und soap. If you your neck vant shafed,- blease go pwid in der sdreed, vere dere is blenty room, und dook.dot gollar off. You can pring it pack arount your vaist like a Sevend Retchi- mend vaistpand. A parber don't vant to glimb ofer such a dings like a dief mit a garden fence, to get at a chendlemah's neck. Yy do beeple such a gollar vear, alretty ? Der man vich has got in der vorld der biggest gollar has got only a^bosition in der Assemply." 18 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. A QUARREL WITH A CUSTOMER. WHY don't you fix up your shop in modem style ?" the reporter asked. " Oh !" exclaimed the barber, his eyes gleaming angrily, "dot's der question, is it? Vy I ton't make out of my shop a bElIace, eh ? Vot's der metter py you ? Ain'd der dowels glean ? Ain'd der razors no goot ? Ain'd der zoap chenuine } Or do you dink I been grazy and ought to vent py a lunydic asylum so soon as der bresent oxcitemend dies oud und der asylums sdart up again?" " Do you vish to haf a gfromo mit your shafe, or how vould you like to haf your shafe done up in a pundle und zent arount py a nicker vaiter mit your house ? I dink you been choost zuch anuder vool like der parber by der negst shair. I mean der vel- ler vich got in his het so menny chokes all der vile he don't got for prains any room. He vanted to know vy I don't git anudder parber, steady, der whole veek. By chiminy hooky, dot mate me mat !" " Dot's so," I said ; " den you and him can, ven I vent py my tinner oud, lock der door und blay benuckle or leaf von py der shop vile der udder von goes oud und mashes der vimmen by der sdreet." " He said something funny, didn't he ?" "Veil, dot don't metter vot he said. He's grazy. He said he vos vrightened, und dot if he hat my disbosition he vood lock himselluf up in a room und shcare himselluf to death." I haf von ding daken nodice of: a choke vill draffel arount like a fife-toUar pill, und if a man has blendy of goot nadure he has a fortune got alretty. Choost, der zame. if you vish to gif avay goot atvice, no-poddy vants> any of it blain py itselluf— but smuckle it some foolishness insite und nodice how der beeole vill chumn afrfpr it. " chump afder it. THE SUITS GERMAN BARBER. 18 ANOTHER QUARREL. DER day back of yesterday comes in der shop a veller vich I dink dot reborter been vich makes about me voolish- ness py der newsbabers. " ' Vot you dink py der pootivul shnow ?' he set. " Such a newsbaber choke like dot mate me veel bositif apout it. " ' I don't dink apout anydinks," I hat set. ' I choost shafe — dot's all.' " ' Dis peen der negst to der last dime I come here," dot veller set. ' Dis dime I got shafed, und der negst dime if you don'd dreat me like a chentlemen I'll knock your nose der back of your het arount.' " He vos such a sort uf a vire eader I choost keeb quied efder dot. Ven he vent avay I dolt de parber by der negst shair dot he vos a reporder, but he ton'd catch me dis dime alretty. There comes in a young veller vich heert vot I hat set. " ' Dot ton'd peen no reborder,' der young veller set. ' Dot vos Ma-chor Hackerdy, der A-zemplymen.' " 'Veil,' I set, 'if he peen a A-zemplymen, he vos no goot, anyhow,' " POLITICS HERE AND ABROAD. I SUPPOSE noddings could more surbrising peen to a Unided Sdades bolidician as der fact vot Gambetta tied a boor man. Dem dink he could not peen a druly crate batriot. By chiminy hooky ! dink of it — if he vos in America und had gon- drol of der gundry, und der beeple should dink he vos a leedle Chorge Vashington on veels, like dem did in France ! he vood haf peen rich like a son of a g^n mit railroad shares und boodiful houses und, in Mexico, mines — und maype he vood some coal gif avay py der boor. " You sbeak of der scandal apowd him ? Dot vos nodingfs. Such a dings is in France der cerdificade of a man's character." 14 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. PEOPLE WILL GAMBLE. DER dalk of der veek in my shop has peen about der gampling in Vail sdreed, und der beople peen mat apout dings town dere. Gampling ain'd zuch a pad ding all alone mit itzelluf. You dake dot pootiful game of benuckle. I haf my whole life benuckle blayed, und I neffer zeen anyding pad apoud it undil I caught von of my parbers blaying it mit money my trawer oud of. Veneffer he vood vin dot vos hees money, und veneffer he vood lose, dot vas my money. Und dot is der drouble mit Vail sdreed. So long vot dose vellers gam- pie mit railrote sdocks dot makes nicht aus, but van der gam- pling is mit preat und putter der beople got to foot der pills. " By chiminy hooky ! they got gomers in peef, gomers in iron, and in gorn and oil — der negst ding ve vill all vake up some tay und find dey got a gomer in larker peer. Den der whole gun- try vill go py der tickens. Beople vill gample. Ven Adam und Efe vent py der garten of Eten, id vos an efen bet how long they vould vent midout abbles, und gampling has effer zins dot dime vent on. But der beople hat ought ter shdick to benuckle. I hear dot dere is in Vail sdreed a leedle Cherman pand. I bet you a toUar dem Chermans vill much money make. It is a rule mit der Chermans all der dime on a sure ding to bet. " Der parber by der negst shair, vich is dot monkey veller vot makes all der vile chokes, he got himself off a vunny dings yes- terday. He sayt dot ' his olt fader, more as feefteen years ago, dolt him alvays to vode der Temogratic dicket und bet his money on der Rebupligan pardy. But he neffer hat thought dot was sbeculation undil der last election.' " Somedimes I dink I sblit my sites togedder laffing at dot parber." Von hant on a bird is more bedder as dwo hants on a bush. THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. YSS^ MUCH BARBERS HAVE TO KNOW. MY vrend, it isn't nice of you to dalk aboud free drade and and such dings. So hellup my cracious ! a parber has got to know so much vot he got all der time a hetache. Everybody's peezness der parber's peezness been, and van der parber got such a hetache vot he could gry owid his eyes owid he must for his custimer's hetache brescribe, and for dootaches, lawsuits, vamily drubbles, and bolitics, and say vot he dinks of some new clothes, and how far it was to Scicago al- retty. " Just dink of vot I hat to dalk apoud to-day. First, vy haf der Shinees got grooked eyes ; negst, der benal gode ; negst, is it right to say you are owid ven you ain't owid und a tailor calls for some money? negst, vy don't vimmen long peards und Adam's abbles got ? negst, a horse's head der same size a barrel of flour is. Py chiminy hookey! there comes a veller in al- ready," and says, ' Parber, how der tickens dem vellers can choost egsackly tell ven der sun mit Venus comes togedder ? ' " What did you tell that man .' " " Vy, I choost told him dot vos nodings. Any man could found dot owid in an almanac." A LIE OUT OF PLACE. HAF I read dot ardickle in der Dablet you gafe me about infidelity? Oh, yah! Vot I dink of 'em? Veil, dot vos a grade biddy. I read him shlow und gareful, und I vos feeling gwide elewated und relitchious, ven right avay by der bottom of der ardicle vos a leedle dings vich sayt how some batent meticine vould make soft und clossy hair out of a paid head crow in two veeks. Such a fearful lie like dot should not peen brinted on top of der pottom of a relitchious ardickle. Id shboils der brevious arkument." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. THE MONKEY BARBER AND THE BREWER'S DAUGHTER. DOT monkey parber by the negst shair he veels plue hke der tickens. He blayed on me once doo offen a choke. You see, he from the same Cherman willage comes mit a rich prewer by der city. He dolt me he vos going der prew- er's taughter to marry. He sayt he vent by der prewer und sayt : ' I hear you are goin' to gif avay a hundert tousand dollars mit your taughter?' 'Yah,' sayt the prewer. 'Veil,' der parber says he sayt, ' I vill dook her off your hands for dwenty tousand tollars.' Der parber says der prewer vos veil pleased mit dot. Der parber dolt me he vood make of my shop THS SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 17 a balace so soon he got marrit. Veil, he got for dree veeks effery afternoon off to go und see der prewer's laughter. Yester- day he vent off to see his girl, und py-und-py I vent der sdreet agross to get some peer. By cracious I der parber vos blaying pilliards for der drinks. ' Ha I ha !' I sayt, ' dis vos der prewer's laughter, ain"d id ? You peen a nice son of a guns. I got a tousand minds to dis-sharge you.' Dot's vol I toll him. I vos so mat I could bunch myzelluf uf der nose." " What did he say ? " " He sayt he vos surbrised I couldn't dake a leedle choke like dot." ALAS! POOR WIGGINS. IT used to peen a saying if a pig guriosidy came owid, ' Par- num should make a gollection of it,' but py der chumping Chulius Zeeser, if Pamum ton'd of his rebudation dake gare Viggins vill sduff him choost like he done der rest der vorld. Vot vos of Viggins my brifale obinion .' Veil, if it shall come along ortinary March vind und rain all der rest der vools vill py Viggins shwear ; but if ve should haf less of a March as usual, bedher Viggins vent und make himselluf as leedle as bossible like dot Number Von Irishman vich der Nye Yorick reborters und der Pritish Guffermend can'd find alretty. " I vill to-night, yet, make a motion py der Benuckle Glub browiding dot if ve got a ball or bicnic, ve vait und see vot day comes some of Viggins's brifate sdorms along, und den ve shall settle on der same day for glear vedder." j3 THE SUITS GERMAN BARBER. BUNCO MEN DISAPPOINTED. DER Lort neffer makes a vool mitout daking care of him, choost as He does of dem leedle sbarrows vet gan't vail by der ground mitout He found it owid. Id vood been bedher for der goot name of dis gundry if der Yankee dhieves got avay mit der money vich dot chackdonkey, Osgar Vilde, dook in from der Yankee vools, but dot could not pe, for Heffen dakes care of dem vich to dake care of demsellufs don't got some prains. " A vool has got nine lifes and always lants on top of his feet. " Dot vos a sensible dings vot der Marquis of Lome und his vife done, alretty ; getting brodection of a boddy guard of zol- diers to keep dem bunco men avay. Bedher let der rest der Englishmen done der same dings ven they come py dis gundry." The barber pronounced bunco " pung-go.'' He took advan- tage of the fact that his assistant was shampooing a man in a furthest corner of the room to tell this story : " You know dot monkey parber py der negst shair alvays tresses so vine like der glerk py a hodel ? Veil, he alvays done dot, efen ven he liffed mit his farder in Bennsylvania. Vonst he came py Nye Yorick on a leedle sbree, und he vos tressed poodiful. He ditn't know somedings apowd dem bunco vellers, any more as you somedings know apowd der neg^t Vort of Chuly. He vos going down der Powery ven comes up a man und says, ' Hello, Brown !' " ' I ton'd vos any Prown,' der parber sayt. " ' Vot, ain'd you Bob Brown I met in Hot Sbrings ?' "'No; I vos Chaky Arnemann of Bottstown, Bennsylvania,' der parber sayt. " Py chimaneddy, in two minnids comes up a veller vich says, ' How you vos, Arnemann ; und yonr sister Loweesa, how she THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 19 • vos ; und how gets along der olt man ?' und he dolt dot parber more apowd Bottstown as der parber could found owid in sexty year. " ' My vrend,' dot parber sayt, ' I been oxdremely bleased to seen you, und sinz you know my vamily more bedher as I mine- zelluf, vill you blease lent me seffen toUar und halb, for I haf peen on a sbree und ton'd got a cent left to get my home back again alretty.' " He says dot bunco veller could mit a feather himselluf knock down." THE QUAIL MATCH DISCUSSED. VELL ! now we dalk apowd grails — ain'd id ? Dot gwail match inderests der boof beeple, alretty, pecause der man vot eads der gwails tond haf to bay for 'em. Dot oxcidemend in der bapers how must peen cooked der ganvas- pack tuck vos only for der amoosement of der rich, pegause der virst brinciple of a boor man's gooking such a dings like dot is dot he must sdeal der tuck. Und blendy boor beeple radher vood mitout der duck go than sdeal von. Some boor beeple peen choost so bardicular like dot. I haf many boor gustimers had yet alretty, und I nodice dot all der bardicular ones sday boor, like myselluf. " I ton'd dink dot vos a sgware gwail match, pegause blendy beeple vood found it easier to ead dem gwails than to ead 'em und bay for 'em dergedder. Py chiminy! I vood like to get myselluf up a leedle match mit some rich chendleman. I ped I can effery tay dwenty-fife class of peer trink for dwenty-five year if my packer zettles for der peer. I am bositif I could do dot if I should lif so long. " If I should tie, dot vood peen a goot choke on der oder veller." 20 THE SUIT'S GERMAN SARMER. CONSOLING TO POOR PEOPLE. DER parber py der negst shair is so much a Nye Yorker alretty dot he gomplains apowd bretty near efferyding. I haf myselluf peen in so many gundries as you can shake at a sdick, bud I haf neffer such a grumpling beeple like der Nye Yorkers seen pefore. "Dem gomplain all der vile, bud so g^ick vot somepoddy goes to do somedings, like Heinrich Pergh, right away der beeple call such vellers gi-anks. Py chiminy hookey ! dot monkey parber says der law vent py der tickens, und der gourts peen der private barlors of der rich. He says if dot vooman, vich tond some delegraph boles vant in her cellar blanted, shood tig up der sitevalk of der delegraph bresident, she vood mighty gwick to chail peen sent. " He says he has read in a Cherman monkey baper, like Buck, von leedle choke : A farmer vent by a rich man und sayt, ' See here ! your dog has my cow's leek peen biting. Vot shall peen done apowd dot ?' " ' Oh, dot's noddings,' der rich man hat sayt, 'you can nod- dings done apowd dot py der law.' " ' Hold on ! ' der boor man sayt, ' I make of myselluf a mis- dake. My dog vos biting your cow.' " ' Crate Chulius Zeezer ! ' der rich man sayt, ' dot vos a deefer- ent dings ! Vot der teffil gomes py a gundry if boor beeple must haf vicked togs to make drubble py a chendleman's broperty } ' •• I haf told dot parber dot I haf in dwendy g\indries der zame dings vound owid. Der boor beeple got der gonsolation of knowing dot, if dem keep gwiet und behave demsellufs dem vill all to Heffen vent und peen habby." THE SUITS GERMAN BARBER. SI THE MONKEY BARBER AND THE SOCIALIST. THE barber, as he bade the reporter sit up, and reached for the brush and comb, said that he had many Socialists for customers, and would not offend one for the world, but that he feared one had been offended. " Dot monkey parber by der negst shair," he said, vos " chok- ing avay like a glown in der minstrels, und he sdarted to dell a sdory choost ven a Socialist comes der door insite. Veil, der parber had to go right avay on und finish der sdory. Oh, my ! Oh, my ! I hope dot parber vill life a couple tousand years und get himselluf some prains." " What was the story ? " " Der sdory vos how in Berlin effery Socialist must make ac- gwaintance mit von soldier und argue mit him, und so make So- cialist der whole army already. So, in a peer cellar sits a sblen- did pig soldier ; and to him dem Socialists say : ' Vrend, if a riot comes owid, vood you shoot down your farder und broder und efferybody in der sdreeds ? ' ' No,' der soldier sayt at der top of his woice. ' Ha ! ha !' dem Socialists hat sayt, ' He vos von of der doo of us togedder — von of — von of both of we ' — how der dickens can you in English say von of ourselves togedder. I don't know. I chenerally sbeak English goot." " One of us " said the reporter. " ' Ha ! ha ! ' sayt dem Socialists, ' he is von of us togedder ! ' und they gafe him blendy peer und cigars. Py und py one So- cialist says : ' Soldier, how it vos you would not shoot der beeple in der sdreed down ? ' " ' Pecause,' der soldier sayt, ' I pelong py der band." You vill neffer der vater miss, alretty, undil der croceryman bure milk gifs you py misdake. THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. PRISON LABOR. IF, you vant to found somedings owid, pedder you keeb a parber shop, alretty. A parber got himself more bublic opinion der insite of von tay as der Senators und Congress: fellers der whole gundry tergedder in sex months found owid. Choost dake dot Sdade's brison invesdigation. Der bub- lic vich got itself shafed mit my shop ton'd care if dem brisoners been habby und gondented, or if dem got so much drubble like a von-legged man drying to get avay from der society of a mat bull. I haf not von single pay rum gusdimer got vich vill sbeak apoud der subject. Dem hat sayt, ' if der brisoners ton'd like der pill of fare, maype dem vill eat at home negst dime dem got owid.' " But it vos deeferunt apowd dot vich you call brison labor contractions. Py chiminy hooky ! blendy beople apowd dot got demsellufs somedings to say. Shall a brison make itselluf a hat factory und a shoe shop, und machinery peezness, und gooking stofes ? No, mine vriend ; dot vos a outrages. How shall der peezness beople bay demsellufs goot vages, lind goot brices sharge for hats und shoes und dings, alretty, if some feller got swelf-hundert brisoners at sexty cents a tay der same dings bro- ducing ? Ain'd it ? "Oh, I vish dem Legislature gommittees vould invesdigate der parber shops und some information get demsellufs ! Dem vould found owid to make der brisoners broduce for demsellufs glothing und dings und learn der same time a drade all der vile. " Der most a man can in Sing Sing learn is der vay to make der heel of a shoe, vile der negst man der putton holes is mak- ing, und yet ven he is doing dot he more drouble makes py so- ciety as if he should peen in der beacefulness und gwiet of bri- vate life, house preaking und vife peating und making pelieve prize fight all der vile. THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 23 GEORGE WASfflNGTON KROUT. ICAN*D dell if I should peen ashamed of it or not, but I have some leedle boetry written alretty, vich I peen going, to reat py der Benuckle Glub Suntay night. I am of dot glub der Bresident, und dem vill not pe mat, so long I set up blenty larker peer. Here vos der boem, vich I choost in a pig hurry dashed off— aber, bedween me und you tergedder, I vos ^afrait I vood vent grazy und tie of olt age pefore I der ent of it finished yet : CHORGE VOSHINGTON KROUT. I find dot der hardest dings vot Is owit, Vot makes my het ache choost like fun^ — Is vot I shall done mit Chorge Voshington Krout (Chorge Voshington Krout vos my son). Of course, first glass schooling der poy's got to doae, Mit biano bractice imd trav'ling apout. But vot sort of peezness shall I make of my son? I sbeak of Chorge Voshington Krout. THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. Blendy of glerchymen awful frauds peen, Und blendy peen poor as get owit ; TJnd if owit from a poy grops der poy's ferder*i sfai^ I vould bitty dot glerchyman Krout. Lawyers peen made up of so many sorts, Und so few of der pest peen apout, I'm dinking I'll dry to avay from der gourts Keep my son — dot's Chorge Voshington Krout. Und soldiers pelong not to gundries like dis, Und sailors no fortunes make owit Apout shafing I Veil erry man hates his own biz, Und von parber's enough by name Krout. In Vail Sdreet's a chance, but I'm scared of der blace, Und a prewery costs doo much owit, Py Chiminy Ho'.ky ! dot peen a hart case Vot to done rait Chorge Voshington Krout. Of course all der vile der brincibal ding Vot I got such oxcidement apout Is vot peen most cerdain a million to pring By der negst cheneration of Krout, But he's only a year olt, alretty, choost now— So blease ef ry glass embdy owid. Blendy dime comes from bodder, now ef'ry man trink : "Gesundheit ! Chorge Voshington Krout." " Der monkey parber by der negst shair hat sayt he did not know uf I vos a beet or not— a man should not peen gondemned for choost a leedle slip like my boem. If he peen me und could make such a boem, he sayt, he vould yet dake owid anoder lease of der parber shop. He says der most of der boets vould peen clad if dem hat a parber shop to vent pack on." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. PUGILISTS' PEACEFUL CAREERS. IF I looked not like a chendleman so much, I vood peen a brize fighter dermorrow. A man by dis gundry makes of himselluf a vool to vork hart und sday boor ven he can a brize fighter peen, und got rich mitout doing somedings ad all. You dink vighting is bretty hard vork. Dot's choost der boint. Mit my gwick demper I haf dwice so much fighting done der lasd den year as any brize fighter vot js owid. I haf two gus- dimers licked und von lantlord yet alretty. " Dem brize fighters ton'd fight ; dem all der vile dalk apoud fighting. Dwice a year some leedle young vellers vot got hired in some Pilly McClory place by der veek bunch each odher der sduffing owid, but der brincible vellers, like Mace und Sullivan und Ryan und Gopurn, dem tond come tergedder in fife years vonce alretty. Und uf dem did fight, like Sullivan and Ryan, not von gets a black nose or a ploody eye, aind id .' But der two dergedder got chinmills und tiamonds und zealskin goats und bockets full of money. " Py Chiminy Hooky ! a virst-glass brize fighter vot can dalk a crate deal can such a gwiet life leat like a glerchyman. Choost look at der bapers yesterday. Dem der names brinted of more as a hundert brize fighters — von-half mit chinmills ! So many brize fights haf not peen since dem vellers vos porn. Oh, vot a biddy I peen so vine-looking I got to sday py der parber peez- ness! " Der monkey parber by der negst shair got himselluf off vonce doo offen some voolishness. I am so mat at him I could bunch him in my eye. He dolt me right avay in vront of a feef- deen-cent gusdimer dot he dinks I dalk more und traw dwice as much plood as any brize fighter out of chail. " Der reason vich I ton'd discharge dot veller is pegause his dying farder bromiscd me I should dake gare of him." 26 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. FREE TRADE AND PROTECTION; CHOOST now comes in a blain-mitout-pay-rum g^sdimer un dells me vot do I dink of Free Drade und Brodection. Py chimineddy ! dot makes me grazy. Some beeple are all ofer cheek like der City Hall glock. A first-glass Fourth affenoo parber oxbects mit a den-cent gusdimer to dalk. apowd der vedder; mit pay rum he should oxbress obinions apowd der dings py der newsbapers, und such a dings like Relitchun und Free Drade must be gonfined to a hair cut und shampoon. A ma;i must not his own peezness make upsite town. " Vot I dolt dot veller ? Veil, I bresented him mit a reckeler gromo of goot atvice. "'See here!' I hat sayt ; 'you peen a vorkingman, aind id? Veil, den you make your mind up to somedings vot I dolt you. Der dalk apowd Brodection der vorkingman brodecting is all humpucks. Let dot owid of your ear vent mitout mit youi prain indervering. Der goal miners und der iron vorkers und der mill hands of Fall Riffer und Gohoes und all such vellers, dem got Brodection undil dey tond got enough to ead und peen doo boor to sdrike for more. Der garpenders und brinders und blasderers und parbers, vot tond got some Brodection at all, dem all got bretty goot vages. Veneffer you hear a gapidalist or a bolidician apowd der vorkingman dalking, make up your mind he vos lying like der oil painding in front of a Powery museum. Und you can dell him 1 dolt you so ; und I vill pet your money on it." " ' Py chiminy hooky !' I hat sayt, ' I cannot der whole of my prains gif away mit a blain shafe, but I vill dolt you von dings ; choost look at der gonsdidution of der match peezness ! Bro- dection has mate of dot von pig monoboly. You bay der Goffer- mend von million toUar und der matches vellers dree or four THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 27 millions, und yet if ve hat Free Drade all der matches vould not so much as von million cost, und blendy brofit vould vent mit 'em pesites. " ' Py Chimineddy ! I dink it vos bretty small berdadoes for der Goffermend to pe making owid of der boor beeple more money as it can get avay mit, except in chobs und gorruption.' " Der monkey parber py der negst shair dalks apowd dot sub- chect, alretty. " Sure ! ■' I dink he vould not pe ashamed to mit der teffil arkue apowd sulphur. Py hooky! I vould not for a toUar und a half such a chacktonkey peen. "He says, dalking apowd Duty und Brodection, it vos der duty of der United Sdades to brodect der parbers from der Eye-talians, odervise ve all got in cellars for dree cents to shafe, mit von dowel und no Sundays owid !" UNCLE GOTTLIEB'S DEATH. OH, mein Gott in himmel ! do not ask me apowd dot teffil parber by der negst shair ! He has alretty many dimes doo often blayed mit my chenerosidy. To-day, choost now, I haf got a ledder py him vere he says he must py der funeral of his ungle Gottlieb a whole day from his vork dook off_ Oh, if I vos not pizzy so much I could gry for dot fool ! He is a loaver und has got himselluf not at all some shame." " Is his uncle not dead then .' " " Chulius Zeeser, ves. I haf myselluf vent a year ago py der funeral of his ungle Gottlieb, und he forgets myselluf und vood throw vool owid of my eyes und make dot ungle dwice dead al- retty." 28 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. IS IT A CRIME TO BE A WOMAN? FIX a leedle dem razors up," said the barBer to his assistant, who, by the way, paid no attention to him. - "Veil, Mrs. Plake has asked us, ' Vos it a grime to peen a voman ?' I ton'd see how can ve effer settle dot. It debends on vich voman ve sbeak apowd. Der same dings vich vould a grime peen in a homely voman is only choost a leedle egcen- dricity in a mocknificent brize beauty." " If it vos a grime to be a voman, vot a heap of it is laying around, und how nice it is, chenerally sbeaking," said the assistant. "Dityou not hear me? I hat sayt fix a leedle dem razors up," said the barber. "Now, all dot dalk apowd go-education of dem sexes makes leedle owid, pecause it is only der rich vot got a shance at it. Der machority der poys und girls haf THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBBK. 28 to drust to common sense und get education along mit small vages und hart vork, py hooky. As for peing afrait of a young voman's morals, if she ain't afrait apowd 'em herself vot's der use of somepoddy else peing afrait for her. Pedder der girls should a leedle education got for daking care of demsellufs, so dem vill got der hang of it ven der dime comes." " I vos co-educated a liddle vile ven I peen a kid py Cher- many," the assistant remarked. " Dit you fix dem razors so quick alretty ?" " I say I vos co-educated a liddle, yet. Poys und girls sat among demselfs together, py der same room, und it vos bunish- ment for a poy to sit a girl alongsite. Effer since I found dot owid I haf peen bunishing myself an averitch of dwice a veek. I lofe der vimmen, und it prakes me all to bieces up ven I dink only von of dem can lofe me at a dime. Oh, I hat such a nice Sunday girl all der vinter. In der parber peezness ve haf der whole of Sunday night owid from der shop avay, und so Sunday night is der dime for our pest girl. She vos rich und I vos after her like sexty. I used to meet her somedimes py Voshington's Market in der mornings und sit mit her votching der sun rise from her farder's wegetable vagon. Efferyding vent along pully oxcepting a veek pack of last Sunday, ven I had a dalk mit her olt man. Ve disagreed apowd how der marritch peezness should peen berformed. I vonted to haf it von vay, und he breferred a deefrent blan. " You and he hold different religious beliefs, evidently," the reporter said. " Veil, not choost exactly. My blan vos to marry his gal, und he vonted me to marry some udder gal, he didn't seem to care vich.'' "Now, my poy," said the proprietor, not unkindly, "choost dink how deeferunt dis chendlemans vould haf of you his obinion uf you had fixed a leedle dem razors up.'' ao THE SUITS GERMAN BARBER. ON A SUNDAY SUBJECT. SUCH a Cherman parber vot on Sunday shafes owid of sbite of der benal gode tend got a great deal peezness for to dalk apowd religion; but somedimes my mout vill shoot off if I can helb it or not. A goot many gusdimers peen dalking apowd dot glerchyman py der Fift affenoo vich peen owit of der Pible knocking spots. Some of dem gusdimers peen bleased mit dot, alretty, bardickler der Chews und der Catholics, und all vot tond got der same religion vot der glerchy- man pelongs to. * " Dot vos a beculiar dings. If a man got blendy money und a good vife und horse und vaggon, he tond care how many beople got spme more dings choost der same ; but so soon a man got himself a bretty goot religion vot suits him he vos mad like der tickens at vot der rest der beeple got bleased*mit. " Und py chiminy hooky ! Dem vellers vot make pelief dem tond anydings pelief, dem peen choost like a spin-veel on der Fourt of Chuly — dem plaze avay all arount, " I peen surbrised dot such breaching should dook blace. I had subbosed blendy beople could outsite der churches peen found, like Fob IngersoU, to make owid of der Pible foolishness, mitout such bowerful Fifth affenoo assisdance of der gle'rchy. " I dink religion tond vos like a pig bile of sdones, avay from vich dis feller und dot can a few armfuls dook avay. Religion peen choost like a dose meticine. If you tond der whole ding swallow down it tond do you some goot, at all. It is choost such a dings like a railrote. You dake avay von leedle biece of der drack from der piggest der drunk lines avay, und you sboil der whole peezness. " Maybe some beople so "^leedle religion got dem vood not miss vot dem can drow avay. " Look at it owit of a peezness boint of view — shall a breacher dake from his own mout his pred und pudder. und der same dime der pred und pudder der endire brofession ? Py chiminy hooky ! der only dings I can accound for it mit is dot you can many dings py Murray Hill do und peen a goot veller But if you should der same dings tone by der Goober's Insti- dute you vould make yourselluf sorry aftervorts. THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 31 WfflSKEY AND CROTON. CHOOST now ve much oxcitemend got apout viskey und vorter, a couple dings vich got vasted more py Nye Yorick as in der whole vorld any blace. Von barty of beople dink ve should a pigger Groton Aqueduct subbly ourselfs, und another barty of chendlemen dink ve should less viskey haf. " I peen a Cherman, already, so I gount myself outsite from der disbute. Der first brincibles of a Cherman is blendy larker peer. Dem dink vorter und viskey bote of dem peen pad. " But, py der chumping Chimaneddy ! ven der chendlemen vot got der viskey on der prain shall von chin mill in four glose up, apout dot dime I vill dry my scrubles against chin mill keeping to ofercome, und go in der peezness minezelf. Dem chin mill vellers make already more money as dem know vot dem can do apoud it. Vot vill dem make if dree saloons out of effery four peen shut up? Py Chiminy Hooky, der panks und der pank gashiers vill a beck seat haf to dake. But — I peen afrait, afder dem blaces peen glosed, der site doors V U pe open yet already." OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY. A GOOT many nice chendlemen haf ladely peen short in _ _ somepody else's accounts, aind it.' Vot I dink is, hovT many glerks vich haf der mony of Dock Debartments und viddow laties peen empezzling are now vaiting to peen found out yet ? Vot do dem chendlemen do ven dem reat apout dem other chendlemen vich got demzelfs found out ? Do dem chump der dock off ? Do dem redire und take a back pew in der^ churches vhere dem are always deacons und highgockalorums ? No, my vrend. Py chiminy! dem choost a leedle more dake avay of dot money vichdem ton'd pelong to und blace it in a pig hole out Vest or on a sure ding py Vail Sdreet. In Vail Sdreet peen all per vile sure dings. Blenty boor teffils found dot out. Dot's vot Vail Sdreet is on burbose for." 82 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. ON SEVERAL TOPICS. DER news in der bapers und in der parber shops is all der dime choost der same. It's brincipally aboud der Irish fife days in der week. Somedimes der golera, a murder, an election, or a high doned sdade of affairs in der Union Glub preaks owid, und Ireland gets gp-owded by one gorner. Bud right avay it preaks owid some more alretty, und for a veek or dwo id vos all Irelant. Der Newhall House fire in Milvorkee growded owid der Irish dis veek. Py chima- neddy, dot vos a pig oxsidemend, aind it ? " I haf seen by a leedle down in Chermany a pig house afire. Drying mit oil to vill a purning lamp vos der consdidution of it. Der vlames chumped der whole house insite, und der poy ran for der purgomaster. In der old gundry you haf der purgomaster to find, pegause he der key by der enchine house keebs. He vos oudside by der gundry, but py und py der poy vound him. After dot der merchants, vich to der enchine gumpany pelong, vent home und put on der pig helmets und dings vich must be vom at a fire. Negst, der machines vos py der vire trag alretty, und der beeple vent und got owid der pig vorter parrels on veels, but der sdreeds vos so rough der vorter bretty near all sbilled owid. Py dot dime der house vos burned down, und efferybody had so much drouble for nodding. " Veil, you dmk dot vos breddy pad, aind it ? My goot vrend, id vos more pedder for human life in der olt gundry than it peen by Nye Yorick. Der beeple tond got such a craze for insurance ofer dere, und fires aind so gommon. Der pilders must go to chail choost like der rest der scoundrels, if dem dry to make insurance dake der blace of bricks und mordar. "Here, mit a leedle money und a pig morkage, der, vails go up, und der garpenders und masons keep gwied und spik in a THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 38 visper for fear der house vill pefore it is finished fall down. After dot it is veil insured, und, in den years, der lanlort says, ' I haf got dwice owid of it vot it gost, und it is olt fashioned now. I vood not purn it down, but it wood pe a bardickler favor if Broffidence vill set fire to it.' " Ven a man has such a faith in Broffidence like dot he can zet fire to mountains. " Insurance is doo much of a goot dings. Dond you dink if ve coot vix it so dot any man vot got der tirlirium chim-chams should come owid richer than he vent in dot der chyn-chams vood pe right avay more gommon alretty ? Veil, I should pet your sveed life ! " Der parber by der negst shair says dot der chief ent of a vooman used to be marritch, but efder dot gase in Prooklyn* der chief dings vill pe preaches of bromise. I dink he peen a ieedle mat apowd dot gase. I nodice dot all der vot you gall • goot vellers ' peen oxsided und dink der gundry vent mit der teffle alretty. Dem say, ' Drial of a chury is blayed owid.' Dot werdick vill vent into der homes of all der goot vellers der gundry arount. " Py Shiminy Hooky ! dot vos a puUy ding, to see dem churors peen so chenerous mit dot gal. Dem can'd pe plamed. Der shanses of der ortinary churor to sbend lika dot der money of a millionaire come only vonce a dousand lifedimes. I hobe dot girl knows of some boor but in a cheneral vay honest young veller vich she can gif dot miney to und marry und zettle town. She neet not of any more preach of bromise vellers pe afrait. " Efder dis, if a rich man bromises some vimmen anyding, no madder how voolish, he vill done his pest apowd id if he hat to marry fife of 'em tergedder." * A suit in whicli $75,000 was awarded to a woman in a breach of promise c 84 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. LAGER BEER A LOVELY THING. I AM Bresident der Benuckle Glub, Segretary der Bretzel Glub, und high brivate in a Blat-deutsche glub und a schiitzen glub, und a singing glub, und a fishing glub — I dink dot vos all der glubs I pelong mit. Dot vos a lie vet there is a Cherman glub for effery Cherman in der city. Der Cher- mans so much to glubs pelong pecause a man can his larker peer at wholesale brices get in dot vay, instead of fife cents a glass. You don't like so much peer already. Mine vrend, I bitty you. Larker peer is the lofeliest dings vot is owid ! " Ven a man has shafed und shafed undil he dinks he vos a sdeSn shafing machine, und must go right avay home und shafe his vife und children und den shafe some more, already, in his treams, und get up early und shafe again his g^stimers, he THS SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. S8 choost dakes a couple tozen classes peer und he dinks he vos der Brince of Vail Sdreet. His vife looks by his eyes so pootiful like an angel mitout some vings, und he vakes her up in der ped und says : " ' Haf you, doo, some larker peer peen trinking? ' " Maype she says ' No,' und vos ankry mit him. " Does such a man make der dable ofer upsite town mit his foot und baint dot angel's eye mit der boker (like der man der first floor vere I lifl vich visky trinks) ? No, my vrend, he choost says : " ' All right ! Dot vos goot. I have for bote of us blenty lar- ker trank.' " CRAZY FOR A PENSION. DER monkey-parber py der negst shair peen grazy for a bension. He says it was guite der fashion to got your- selluf such a dings. He hat sayt a friend of his hat from der East Riffer der daughter of a bolidician bulled owit. " ' Dot makes me oxtremely sad ' her farder sayt, ' dot I haf mit me only hundert toUar got.' If you dink my daughter vos vort more as dot I vill not mit such a drifle insuld you. I vill get you der bension of a nafy gaptain for a callant action py der high seas.' " Der young feller hat sayt he should dink dot vos not oxactly honesd. " ' Ach humbucks !' der bolidician hat sayt ; ' der Guffermunt is drowing bensions arount like der bieces of der sdeam heading bipes py Nassau Sdreet,. Pedder you dake von else it might be to some Imbropper person giffen.' " 36 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. WHERE WAS LOUISA BORN? OH, der very subchect of dot monkey parber py der negst shair makes me sick out of my sdummick. He has yet vonce more again mate all der gusdimers mad. He sdarted apout a week pehind yesterday to gif avay a new gonundrum : " ' My aunts und ungles,' he hat sayt, • all haf novhere else lived oxcept Chermany und New Yorick, yet my cousin Loweesa vos porn not in New Yorick, not in Chermany, und not py der ocean already. How could dot peen ?' " Veil, dot made out der greatest excidement. Blendy gus- dimerssayt she vos in Belgium pom, und France, und Holland, und Danemark, und Hopoken, und New Chersey, on der vay from Chermany coming ofer. But dot foolish parber he sayt ' No,' ' No,' ' No,' ' No,' every dime choost der same. Bretty quick he wrote dose dings out und bosted 'em der site of der ■ vail : "HOW CAN SUCH A DINGS PBSN? "My aunts und ungles all peen bom (und lived der whole of tlieir lives out) py Chermany und New Yorick. Aber mine cousin LiOweesa vos pom not in Chermany. not py New Yorick, und not on der ocean yet. "It vos easy ven you found him out. " My colly ! such a oxcidement you neffer vood dink of. Vise olt men und young smarty vellers,, dem all grazy vent, und I minezelf, forgot minezelf und sayt : maype she vos in- der harper py New Yorick porn, or a Hopoken feriypoat inside. But ' No, no, no,' der mOnkey parber noding else vood sayt. To-day he hat bromised to bost up der exblanation, und there you can see vot it vos : ••I HAF GOT MS NO COUSIN LOWBBSA. "Such a pig lummix of a grazy fool as dot — de dires avay my batience out." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 87 THE VANDERBILT BALL. I SEE von of der Wanderpilts has a pig pall giffen. It vos under der brodection uf der same bolice vich vill glub owid uf you und me der sduffing, but vich if Chay Gould should vant to catch der writer of some voolish ledders, alretty, der whole department vill knock off der vork uf addending to der city und vill look endirely afder Chay Gould's affairs. " Chiminy hooky ! dot vos vorth a dollar und a haf choost to loot at dot pall. I vos asdonished at not nodicing any uf der bicturesque gosdumes of der vorking beople. Dem vould haf looked puUy prushing against der kings und brinces und dings, but I subbose nopoddy vould care to put on der glothes uf laporers und meganics fur fear all dem bolicemen vould fall on 'em und glub 'em undil dere vould peen only heaps of glothes und a few ploodsdains der sitevalk owitsite. " I see dem hat Mr. Deffil und Mrs. Deifil in der growt. Dot's der first I effer heard uf Mrs. Deffil, but I alvays sus- bected it. Uf you see a man gitting along so goot like der deffil you can most der dime peen sure he has got a vife to helb him, und uf you hear beople say, 'I bed you dere is a voman py der poddom of it,' you can make owit your mind dem are apoud some sort of deffiltry sbeaking. " Some of my feefdeen cent gusdimers make dem noses der dop of der foreheads und say, ' Ach ! dem Wanderpilts ton'd peen in der virst glass sociedy ! Dem vos vorking beople feefdy year ago.' I notice a goot deal of der virst glass sociedy shneaked into dot pall, und afder dot per rest pedder fall in line or dem vill got left. " High-tonedness und plue plood go a pig vay if you ton'd got anydings else, but der hart cash vill garry you farder as der bote of 'em tergedder."' 88 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. ADVICE TO QUEEN VICTORIA. OH oh I Der Ing-lish Gufferment is not bleased mit der 'vay ve do our dalking ofer here since dem got shooken a leedle py dynamite up. Veil, now, how shtupid dot vos. Dem should not fighting dalk use efder der dwice oxbenence dem haf hat, van ve peen even more younger und less healthier *^"^Vot'^?b'Ve care for der vide, vide vorld? It used to peen Hamilton Fish vich vos of somepoddy afrait. He used his head to hide, und forget vot he vos leafing der rest of us ex- bosed to peen laughed at. But der rest of us, vile brefernng beace (or choost as much beace as ve can m der same vorit alonesite Europe get) are der same dime not agoing to dake a pehind seat vile some of der orchestra shairs are py a lot of blayed owid kings und brinces occubied. ,, , . , " Py chiminy hooky ! I subbose if I should a fnendly ledder of atwice to Gween Wictoria wrrite she would probably not found it owid. Some nople chack donkey vould put it on a shovel und blace it for a veek or two a bail of vorter insite. Eftervorts he vould get some Irishman to see if it vould vent off or not. Py koUy, I dink dose noplemen py Europe veneffer dem dook a sqvare meal must keep a leedle shtill und vait for their stomachs to pust up, alretty. Instet of drying to make shut our mouts, more bedder some dem vellers hear some blain American dalk. Dem vill peen sure to got some goot atwice. Der common beople of any civilized goundry could gif 'em in a few vords more as dem could svallow in a year. " I am an American, py chimaneddy (owitsite of der lang- witch) und I dink ve should all stand off und see fair blay in Europe und gif to whoever needs it goot atwice. " Eighteen hundret eighdy-dree is der brifate broperty of der common beople, und kings und brinces must keep hants off und let der beople manage vot pelongs to 'em. Der drouble is, it dakes some dynamite to get a leedle dings like dot der head of a king insite. I haf peen alvays bleased mit der g^een, und vould not der olt laty sharge a cent for half an hour of confersation mit her. " Der monkey parber py der negst shair hat sayt if he could der oxbenses affort, und if he vould peen sure he could pnng himself owitsite of a coffin pack again, he vould to Europe vent und say ' BOO !' chust to see all der kings und brinces chump," THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 39 THE TRUTH ABOUT THE IRISH QUESTION. SUBBOSE a chendleman should effery tay bead his vife und her screams should make oxsidement uf der neighbor- hood ; uf course der vooman's reladifs vould at dot chendleman write insulding ledders, und some of der neighbors vould oxbress symbathy mit der boor vooman by hart vords or sdones or such dings. Dot habbens effery tay. Dot vi e-beading chendleman is Ing-land und dot sgreaming vife is Irelant. Der reladifs peen der Irish in America, und der neighbors peen der American beo- ple chenerally. " Ven Ing-land gomblains of vot is sayt und done ofer here ve should gry back, ' Shdop beading your vife— you gread pig puUy ; shdop beading your vife !' Ven Chermany und Ausdria say like dem did last veek, dem hobe der Americans blease sdop der free sbe«ch und money raising und dynamite und such dings THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. on accound dot is making owit of Irelant an unbleasant oxample py der rest of Eurobe, ve must gry back, ' Make Ing-lant sdop beading his vife.' " Py shiminy hooky ! der growned vooden heads uf Eurobe aind pegun to see vot a noosance and drouble America vill i>een to her yet hereafter alretty. " Eurobe is hke a leedte willage of apowd dwendy olt families combosed, und all dem families haf doo pig grown for der original farms und shlopped ofer into America a growd of reladifs. Der guffermend of dot willage is a lot of kings und gweens vich are a back of loavers vot lif on der olt families, und der same dime dreat 'em like der teffil. A delegraph gable uf -symbathy is lait der poddom uf der ocean under, und ven a plow is at liberdy sdruck der oder site, you vill hear der sgreams uf der reladifs in America, choost as ven you bress der button on von ent of a delegraph vire you hear der gonsegwences py der oder ent. Der faindesd gry for hellup vill peen answered here right avay, mit money bublicly, und brifately a leedle dynamide, berhaps. " Und van der kings and gweens gomblain, dem should alvays der same answer get : ' Der drouble is not here alretty. It's on your site uf der pig svimming bond. - Don't gomblain of der echo. You viU not hear it if you sdop der orichinal noise.' " Dot monkey barper py der negst shair, he says ' der Irish gwestion looks like it vill soon peen zettled if all der Chenerals py der batriot army come to dis gundry und all der high brifates git locked mit der Pritish chails up.' '■ Der idea of such a monkey feller drying to dackle such a pig subchect is as much foolishness as if a von-eyed man should dry to see der bote sites of himselluf tergedder. His olt farder savi he IS like der shmard Cherman poy vich vent to burchase a horse avay from a Chew. • I know how to told a goot horse,' he savt • 'all vot has got to peen done is to look at his deeth.' Der Chew a horse prought owid vich berfect deeth had; and svore peside der grave of his farder der animal peen choost as sound as der olt-fashioned fife-cent bieces. Der shmard poy baid der brice und der horse dook avay, but ven his farder saw him he Fried owid, ' Vy dot horse has only dree legs got.' ^ his'l'egs.'^^™"'"^ """''^ ' ^" ^°^ ^^' ^^^*' ' ^ '^°''^°' *° ^"""^^ THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 41 LIVING ON TEN DOLLARS A WEEK. CHOOST ven I found owid how to spik Inglish goot und obened dis shop, in comes more as dousand beeple vich vont to know abowd Dom Gollins, (Veil, I don't unterstant dot choke yet, alretty.) Now comes effery tay some- poddy in und says ' vot I dink of Chames Short.'* For dree lays I dink he peen such a hurabuck veller like Gollins, und I chust keep shut my moud und say noddings, except mit bar- dickler vrends. Dem dolt me who dot Short vos. " Py chiminy ! he oughder vend und chump der Prooklyn Fridge off. Und if dot ton'd kill him he oughder lif py der Macaronis in Crosby street, vere is full poard, sex cents a tay — von full swelf-inch poard for each Macaroni, mit vind budding und second-hant larker for Sunday tinner. " Do I ton'd pelief a man can a veek on den tollars lif. Vy, blendy beople lif on sex und seffen toUar — und bretty near der half of Dutchtown vood peen clad to haf den tollars. Py chiminy ! You und me been chents togedder, I vill dell you I minezelluf haf on swelf tollar lilce a brince peen liffing — but must dot be mate owid blain in a letter to der vorld ? " Mine vrend, a meganic can his vingers snap insite der face of der boss und say, ' Zee here ! I cot a golt vatch und a vife, so oxbensive like der chills und vefer, und I effery night to der deatre go, und I ead der pest vich is owid, und I vash it town mit vine.' Und der boss musd say, ' Dot is goot ; enchoy your- zelluf. Ve get along dergedder, vine.' But der laporing man, der pookkeeber, der gounter-shumper, und der sewing girls! Mein Gott ! vot vill pegome of dem if such a rasgal veller like Short can shoot himzelluf his mout off ? * Mr. James Short's account of how he and his wife managed housekeeping on ten dollars a week, which was published in the Sun last winter, attracted wide attention. AZ THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. "Subbose von embloyer is eading py Telmonico's a tinner vich gosts so much as he bays his glerk a whole veek to lif, und as he trains der lasd pottle he reats apowd dot Short veller. ' So hellup me, Moses !' he says, ' I peen svintled. I haf baid dot glerk swelf toUar, und here gits along a glerk py den tollar — und safes money, doo. Py chimanetty! der whole ding is roppery.' " Dot is der vay peezness is done. " Der parber py der negst shair always galls Short ' Misder Short-vait !' Dot is der pest choke owid. Dot parber says he is dwice like dot vool ; he gets den tollar und he peen alvays short. He says der end py each veek he is so boor (mit benuckle, und peer, und bardies, und palls), he gets Vriday und Sadurty only dwo meals — ^tried abbles in der morning und blendy vorter for der zecond meal." BAD CIGARS. OH, vy does not somepoddy effer gif anypoddy a goot cigar.' Can it pe dot der smokers to der cigar man alvays say, "Blease g^if to me two for a quarter cigars for myselluf, and two for one cent to gif my vrends aWay ?' . A goot cigar can make a man to his vife's mutter sbeak bolitely ; but such a cigar vot your vrend gifs you is more vorser as a bimple on your nose. " So hellup me gracious, dot monkey parber py der negst shair says dot vos der only kind you can in der old goundry get. He says there vos, in Preslau, a factory of 'em pumed down. Der house vent up mit fire ; der pig peams und der vails und der boxes all peen.gonsumed, but der cigars been found as natural as life. Dem vood not purn." THE SUITS GERMAN BARBER. 43 THE SECRET OF HAPPY WEDDED LIFE. MARRIAGE is der best ding owit. But ven dsr time comes to make your feet down, then you must make 'em down right avay quick. Yoost see how it was by me minezelf. I vos doo or dree veeks marit ven I trow der dable, mit all der dings by it right avay der shtaircase down. I told you how dot was. " I vos marrit by a vomans only seventeen year olt, vot got so much nonzense in her, like all der other vimmins. Ve lif by dree rooms of a denement house in St. Mark's blace. Py und py right avay there comes some fat women (maybe some been Irish, maybe some peen Tutch — dot makes noding out. Some of dem denement vimmen peen all lasy shoost der zame). I vind 'em by my house, und a friend of mine he sayt, ' Bedder you look owid ; dem makes der dickens by your house. Some dime you don'd got your dinner und all der tay your vife is trinking peer.' So I keebs me mine eye ow-id. I zeen dot, yoost vot mine friend hat set. " Von tay I vos smard like everyding, und I vent arount py Dombkins square und got me my house behind der wrong vay in. I glimb up so shtill like a mouce. Der kitchen comes in der dop of stairs ; in der front ist der tining room, mit der tark bedroom der mittle. I open der door soft like der mischief, und I shtand in der pedroom und peep in der tining room mitout saying anydings. I zee my neighbor voman by der next door, two of dem fat vimmen from town stairs, mine vife und dwo qvarts of peer on der dable togedder. I don't say sometings all der vile, but yoost keep quied like everyding. " ' Dot vos a shame,' der neighbor voman had sayt; ' dot vos a shame vot you hat ter done all der vashing all mit yourself.' " ' Yes ; I dink dot's zo,' mine vife hat said. ■44 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. " ' I vood make him got a voomans to done it,' der neighbor vooman said. " Den I was mad like a house afire, but I don't say somedings. I yoost keep shtill. " ' I tolt you vot you done,' said von of der fat vimmen. Some day you don't got any dinner vor your husband, und ven he vants to know vot vos der metter vot he don't got himself his dinner, den you say mit him, veil, I can't do everydings. I can vosh der glothes, but I can't gook der tinner already. Dot's vot you say. You got to pind your husband down ' " By shiminy hooky ! Then I was mad like ter teffil, und I yoost shoomp in by dem vimmen mit my stick and in two min- utes I have knocked out six vinder glasses and make von vooman's eye blue her whole face down. Der dree vimmen ran down der shtairs, and mine vife climbed der roof out, und I dook up der dable mit der glass and grockery tergedder und I vling 'em down der shtairs by dem vimmen. " Afder I make dot right by der boliceman, und he says vot I done yoost der zame vot he done if I vos himzelf, then I don't come by der house for dree days, und after that I moofe avay from dem blaces, und I got so good a vife as der peen in der gountry. " Der barber von der next schair— he is der feller vich makes all der while nigger chokes like a glown from a circus— he had said ■ a man peen a fool to look out for beauty and form from a vife, but a man been also a chackdonkey if he finds fault mit a vife that she has got some money. Such a poor man vot can marry a rich vooman ought to peen paid for his shmartness.' " Somedimes I dink I shall burst my sites outsite in mit laugh- ing at that barber." THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 4S A STORY BEfflND THE BOSS'S BACK. HELLO, young veller," said the Monkey Barber in the shop near the Cooper Institute. " I peen der poss here now. Der olt man has got a proken chaw." " How on earth did he break it ?" " Oh, it vosn't mit himselluf he proke it. If he could done dot he vould long ago haf proken it dalking. Der olt man vos dalking like he alvays done, chpost as if his tongue vos drying to make a fool of his prains. Dot vos der afdemoon packvords of lasd Duesday. He mate chokes apoud der garpenders und shoemakers und such dings. Bresendly der lasd gusdimer — a fearful pig Irishman — got into der shair me und der poss der mittle pedween. 46 THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. " 'Oi say, barber,' he hat sayt, 'you've a way av spakin' yer moind right out, so ye have.' " ' I chenerally sbeak blain Inglish,' dcr poss hat sayt " ' Oi wud loike fer ter git yer opinion on the tailors.' " ' So-o-o ?■ sayt der poss, as simble as a pilly goat drifling mit a backage of tynamite ; ' I can some puUy chokes rememper apowd der dailors. Ve used to say py Chermany a goot,.hddthy dailor ought to veigh ninedeen bounds, und should not peen avraid to vent owid on a vindy day mitout da^ng his goose along to keeb him from plowing avay.' " ' Can't you think av e'er anudther joke upon the tailors ?' " ' Veil, yes,' der poss hat sayt ; ' dere used to peen a sdory of vonce upon a dime ven der dailors all used to sit der mittle of der floor und vork, but von morning a shdupid serfant girl swept von of 'em into a dust ban und vlung him der ash parrel insite vere he vos suffogated. Sinz dot dime der dailors haf sat alvays der dop of a dable, owid of der vay of der prooms.' " ' Well, sorr,' der pig Irishman sayt in a woice more louter as der dooting of a logomotif, ' me name is McNulty, the Bowery tailor, an' whin you git troo shaving me Oi intend fer ter knock th' everlasting dayloights out av ye, and Oi'U give yez notice yer can sind out fer all d'uther Dootchmin yez can foind an' Oi'll polish the whole av 'em to the Quane's taste, so Oi wrill.' " Veil, dot vos frightful. Der poss he drempled like der dracks of der elefated railrote, und he hat sayt to me in a visper, ' Chaky, my poy, I haf put der dwo of mine feet in it dot dime. Ain'd you sorry for der olt man ?' I bressed his hant in silence mitout sbeaking von vord. " ' An' ma-ark moi wurruds,' sayt dot gusdimer, ' if you lave the soign av a scratch on me face wid yer razor, yer saurcrout- ating, jaw-twisting, beer-guzzling, lathering, haythen divil, Oi'U lick yez fust an' make yez shave me afther." " 'Chaky,' der poss vispered, ' I vish you could dink of vot der defiil I shall done.' THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. 47 " ' There's been altergither tew much Dutch goia' on in the city,' dot Irishman sayt. ' It's got fer ter be a n-yuisance an' it's got fer ter be reggerlatid.' " ' Shall I make myselluf der bleasure to put on your het a leedle oil, sir ?' der poss sayt, choost as bolite as if he vos sbeak- ing to some laty owitsite of his vife. " ' Yez'U put ile on me head an' the bist yez have, an' plinty of it, an' yez'U d'up me hair in the Fifth avenoo stoyle, wid bangs an' dashboords foreninst me ears, an' a pa-art behoind, an' Loo-ey Boney-pa-art waxt inds to me musstash ; an' bay rum, an' powdher, an' allim wather, an' pomaytum, an' all uv the bist, that Oi may luk foine whoilst Oi'm afther payin' yez fer yer Dutch blab wid me chew fists and fate. D'ye moind that, ye g-yarlic-stuffing, limburger devourin baboon ?' " ' Chaky,' der poss vispered, ' vent right avay owid und gollar a boleeceman vich vill safe der bote of our lifes. Get an Irish boleeceman, Chaky ; dem haf got der science of der boleece peez- ness down finer, und dem get to vork more quicker as der Cher- man vons.' " Veil, to make shortness owid of a long sdory, I vent und ditn't find a boleecemen insite of dwo miles, und ven I got beck der olt man vos hanging droo der beck vinder sash, his legs der shop insite und his head in der beck yard. He vill peen sick more as a mondth." Just as the reporter had finished brushing his coat the pro- prietor ran briskly down the steps in to the shop, showing not ^ sign of the ill-treatment he was credited with having received. " Py chiminy ! You are quick owid," said the assistant, and dashed up the stairs. " Gwick owid," said the proprietor ; " I hope dot monkey parber has not peen ledding himselluf from his imatchination loose. Der only dings I .peen gwick owid of is feefdy cents I choost lost insite of dwendy minutes py benuckle in der saloon der sdreet agross." AS THE SUN'S GERMAN BARBER. THE MONKEY BARBER LAID OUT. THE monkey barber is lait up from fooling mit an Ing-lish choke — dot kind of a rittle vere von vord means choost der same und also someding deefrent, alretty. " Dere comes in a man und to me says : " ' You peen marrit, ain't it ?' " ' Yes,' I says, ' a leedle, vonce.' " ' Veil,' he says, ' ven is your vife not a lady half der dime ?' "Veil, now, I peen pizzy too much to vaste much dalk on such nicker minsdrel dings, so I says, ' I gif it right avay.' " ' You vife is in der day time a lady,' says he, ' but not at night, pecause effery night she is a-bed. " Dot monkey parber he had to vent und fool mit dot choke. He goes right avay ofer to der peer saloon und sees der enchi- neer from der corner arount, und says to him, ' Your vife is no laty, und I can broof it.' " Dot chendleman he vent on choost like a bile-drifer, und chumped on der parber's negk und chucked him arount undil der parber vos in four or fife blaces at vonce. He sent for me, und so soon I reckernized him I sayt : " ' Ah, ha ! I dolt you so. If you fool yourself mit some pums you peen sure to gatch fire.' " ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT BUILDING A HOUSE? ' If you are, you ought to buy the new book, I'alliser'.t Amfiriean, Archite^ure, or every man a complete builder, prepared by Palliser, Palliser & Co., the well known architects. There is not a Builder or any one intending to Build or otherwise interested that can afford to be without it. It is a practical work and everybody buys it. The best, cheapest and most popular work ever issued on building. Nearly four hun- dred drawings. A $5 book in size and style, but we have deter- mined to make it meet the popular demand, to suit the times, so that it can be easily reached by all. This book contains 104 pages 11 x 14 inches in size, and con- sists of large 9x 13 plate pages giving plans, elevations, per- spective views, descriptions, owners' names, actual cost of con- struction, no guess worJe, and instructions How to Build 70 Cottages, "Villas, Double Houses, Brick Block Houses, suitable for city suburbs, town and country, houses for the farm and workingmen's homes for all sections of the country, and costing from $300 to $6,500 ; also Barns, Stables, School House, Town Hall, Churches, and other public buildings, together with speci- fications, form of contract, and a large amount of information on the erection of buildings, selection of site, employment of Archi- tects. It is worth $5. 00 to any one, but I will send it in paper cover by mail postpaid on receipt of $1.00; bound in cloth, |3.00. Address all orders to J. S. OGILVIE, Pttblishek, P. O. Box 3767. 57 Rose St., New York. Ogilvie's Pocket Manual and Univeil ASSISTANT. WORTH 15 One Million Useful Pacts and Figures. IT IS WORTH $5.00 BUT COSTS ONLY 25 GE» Tbe times are peel calculated to increasfi person ^s desire to 7nlt| save money. New . proved managementBl ness and financial fl and economy in daily f ses of all kinds, are tl| versal stud;. And everyone has felt thel the groat iind pressini j sometimes — of a concil throughly PRACTICAl book, calculated to al in his plans of thril management. Especl there a demand for , jj?-ice(ivoluraeof thisd ter, for the self -eduQ young men and you^ men for the realitiet J on the farm, and counting-room, the shop, and the househoJ To meet this great j lar want, this valuably has been prepared. It|| markable book. It c a larger amount of Tflf information on pr matters, in shape for ready use, than can be bought in any oCher (a $15. OO, yet is sold at only 25 centa. It is invaluable to Every Every Mechanic, Every Workman, Every Book-keeper, Every Every Machinist, Every Clerk, Every Investor, Every Land Owner, Housekeeper, Every Professional Man, Every Letter Writer, Every Ea^ Every Author, In fact no person who can read the English language i without a copy of it. Bound in limp cloth, 25 cent*; heavy silk SO centa. Send 25 Centa at onoo for a Knnipic copy and agenta tci It contains nliniit 250 pages and !■< for snlc by every nett-sdealer an.l seller in the United Status, and on all trains, or it will be sent by mail, pos j on receipt of price, by J. S. OOII.VIE, Publisher! I', O. Box 2767. 57 Uose Street, New "^| Cornell University Library PN 6161.R16T3 "That Dutchman"; or, The German barber's 3 1924 027 147 275