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 Advice to the officers o* *he,,,?,';if|,f,tl,ii^,^ 
 
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 http://www.archive.org/details/cu31924030718328 
 
AGATHYNIAN CLUB 
 No. I. 
 
ADVICE 
 
 TO THE OFFICERS OF THE 
 
 BRITISH ARMY 
 
 A Fac-simile Reprint or the Sixth 
 London Edition. 
 
 WITH INTRODUCTION AND NOTES. 
 
 NEW YORK : 
 
 agat^gniatt (Klufi. 
 
 1867 
 n\ 
 
1 zo Copies printed. 
 JVo. &I 
 
 Braustreet Press. 
 
PREFACE. 
 
 HAT satire is capa- 
 ble of effecting re- 
 form where good, 
 solid and serious 
 advice will not re- 
 ceive attention, has been many times 
 satisfactorily demonstrated. There is 
 certainly an innate feeling in men's 
 minds that makes them afraid of ridi- 
 cule, and those masters who know how 
 to use this weapon with prudence and 
 
skill rarely fail in accomplishing the 
 objects they may have in view. 
 
 Armies are pretty much alike the 
 world over. A warrior, whether clad in 
 breech-clout or trowsers, or bedecked 
 with paint or tinsel, is very apt to 
 look disdainfully on the quiet and 
 plodding man of peace. To attempt 
 to reach him with sober counsel is al- 
 ways an ungracious venture, and is 
 sometimes a dangerous one. But he 
 dislikes, above all other classes of men, 
 to be laughed at, and what he will not 
 amend when persuasion and argument 
 are used, he will often change when 
 vigorously attacked with caricature and 
 raillery. 
 
 The "Advice to the Officers of 
 
111. 
 
 THE British Army," though written 
 a number of years ago, contains so 
 many excellent hints which are applica- 
 ble to our own and other modern 
 military establishments, that it has 
 been decided by the Agathynian Club 
 to print a limited edition for those 
 bibliophiles who value a book both 
 for its contents and its artistic appear- 
 ance. During the recent internecine 
 war, numerous incidents occurred sim- 
 ilar to those alluded to by the au- 
 thor. A work such as this, issued at 
 that time, would doubtless have pro- 
 duced many excellent results. In ex- 
 pressing this opinion, the writer has 
 no wish to be understood as imply- 
 ing a censure of army officers as a 
 
IV. 
 
 class. He knows well that truer gen- 
 tlemen and nobler men are not to 
 be met with in any other profession, 
 but he also knows that many mean 
 and despicable persons wear the uni- 
 form, and that nothing contained in 
 this volume is too severe for such 
 upstarts and sycophants. 
 
 It is possible that some of the copies 
 may fall into the hands of that class 
 of gentlemen for whom the work is 
 specially intended. If so, they will 
 doubtless be reminded of many in- 
 dividuals, from comnianders-in-chief 
 down to private soldiers, to whom the 
 precepts inculcated by the author ap- 
 ply with peculiar force. 
 
 The following quotation, from 
 
Watson s Life of For son {London, 1861, 
 -p. 212) is so apposite to the sub- 
 ject-matter of the present volume, that 
 the editor does not hesitate to quote 
 it entire. Dr. Gisborne having pub- 
 lished a book on the duties of gentle- 
 men, Porson wrote this letter to supply 
 his omission of the duties of gentle- 
 men-soldiers : 
 
 " To all the British Dealers in 
 Blood and Slaughter who are under 
 the rank of Ensign. 
 
 "Soldiers, Gentlemen, Heroes, 
 
 " For such you are, whatever was 
 
 your former station or employment in 
 
 life. He who was yesterday the ninth 
 
 part of a man, by becoming a soldier 
 
VI. 
 
 to-day has multiplied his existence by 
 at least three times three. Yet, hard 
 fate ! the integer of to-day is much 
 more liable to be destroyed than the 
 paltry fraction of yesterday. But 
 what is that to your employers, you 
 know .'' The more danger, the more 
 honour ; needs must when the devil 
 drives. If you were till now the veri- 
 est wretches in nature ; if you had been 
 just excused from hanging, on condi- 
 tion you should enter into the army ; 
 if you had your choice from a justice 
 of peace, whether you would be tried 
 for felony or go for a soldier, and, in 
 consequence of this obliging offer, 
 freely chose to enlist ; if your ankles 
 were still galled with the irons of the 
 
Vll. 
 
 prison ; if, after a short confinement 
 for perjury, you had gone into court 
 again, in order to swear away an inno- 
 cent man's life ; in short, if you were 
 the lowest, basest, most despicable of 
 mankind, in your former occupation, 
 you are now become, by a wonderful 
 transformation, Gentlemen and Men 
 of Honour, 
 
 " But, that I may proceed with all 
 possible method and clearness in my 
 discourse, I shall first give you a defi- 
 nition of that most important and 
 distinguished character, a soldier. A 
 soldier, then, is a Yahoo, hired to kill 
 in cold blood as many of his own 
 species as he possibly can, who never 
 did him any injury. From this defini- 
 
Vlll. 
 
 tion necessarily flows a high sense of 
 dignity. Your honour is your most 
 precious possession, and of that it 
 becomes you to be chary. You are 
 the disposers of the world ; the um- 
 pires of all differences ; the defenders 
 of the Defender of the Faith. But 
 why do I say defenders of the Defend- 
 der of the Faith ? You are the de- 
 fenders of the faith itself. It rests 
 upon you to reinstate the empire of 
 God, of religion, and of humanity, by 
 means which God and Nature (and, I 
 may add, the King of Corsica) have 
 put into your hands. . . . If you 
 will promote this godly work with all 
 your might, though your sins were 
 deeper than scarlet, yet shall they be- 
 
IX. 
 
 come whiter than snow ; in short, you 
 have nothing to do but to submit your 
 lives to the disposal of the king and 
 his officers, and your souls to your 
 chaplain. After having made these 
 trifling sacrifices, your way will be per- 
 fectly smooth and pleasant. If you 
 survive, as you have a chance at least 
 of one in twenty, you will come back 
 laden with laurels to your native coun- 
 try, and there enjoy in full perfection 
 all the blessings of civil government, 
 which is the next best thing to mili- 
 tary. If you die upon the spot, you 
 fall a martyr to the glorious cause of 
 God, of Christianity, of liberty, of 
 property, of subordinate orderliness, and 
 of orderly subordination. Nor need you 
 
be afraid of death, for I can assure you, 
 in verba sacerdotis — i. e., on the word of 
 a priest — that whoever dies in this con- 
 test shall instantly depart to Paradise, 
 if ever thief from the gallows went 
 thither 
 
 " And now for a few hints touching 
 your general behaviour. 
 
 " I. Be fluent in your oaths and 
 curses upon all occasions. It will 
 show a confidence in the goodness of 
 your cause, and make people believe 
 that you must be hand and glove with 
 the person for whom you fight, when 
 you use his name so familiarly, and 
 appeal to him as an old acquaintance 
 upon the most trivial occasions. 
 
 "2. The Defenders of Religion must 
 
XI. 
 
 show that it never has any influence 
 upon their practice. It is your duty, 
 therefore, to be what the canting 
 methodistical people call a profligate. 
 What made the Christians victorious 
 when they went to wrest the sepulchre 
 of our Saviour from the idolatrous 
 Turks, but a proper allowance of 
 oaths and licentiousness ? It is no 
 sin in a holy warfare, or, if it were, it 
 is the least of the seven deadly. 
 
 "3. Keep up your spirits now and 
 then with a cordial sup of liquor. 
 You cannot imagine how this prescrip- 
 tion will clear up your thoughts, and 
 dissolve all scruples, if you ever had 
 any, concerning the justice of the war. 
 The liberal allowance which you re- 
 
xu. 
 
 ceive, and the exactness with which it 
 is paid, will amply furnish you with 
 the means of procuring these cordials ; 
 and they will produce another good 
 effect : they will recall your courage 
 when it begins to ebb, and ooze, as it 
 were, through the palms of your hands. 
 
 *' For valour the stronger grows, 
 
 The stronger the liquor weVe drinking j 
 And how can we feel our woes, 
 
 When we've lost the power of thinking ? 
 
 " 4. As you are men of nice honour, 
 and it is a proverb that nothing is 
 more delicate than a soldier's honour, 
 I propose it as a case of conscience 
 whether you should not tilt, as well as 
 your officers, when an affront is offered 
 
Xlll. 
 
 you. For instance, if another soldier 
 should call you a gaol-bird, and the 
 truth of the fact be notorious, it ap- 
 pears to me that you ought to con- 
 vince him of his mistake by running 
 him through the body, or lodging a 
 ball in his carcase. But perhaps your 
 worthy superiors may deem this an in- 
 fringement of their prerogatives. I 
 speak therefore under correction. 
 
 " 5. Notwithstanding what I have 
 said concerning the lawfulness, nay, 
 the duty, of drinking a drop of liquor 
 now and then, I do not mean you 
 should guzzle away all that large stock 
 of money which is granted you by the 
 bounty of the king and his Parliament. 
 I would wish you to lay by a shilling 
 
XIV. 
 
 or so of each day's pay : you who have 
 wives and children, for the support of 
 your wives and children ; you who 
 have poor relations, for the mainte- 
 nance of your relations ; and you who 
 have neither, that, in your old age, if 
 you should outlive the war, and return 
 to your native country, you may pur- 
 chase a snug annuity, and live in com- 
 fort upon the property you have ac- 
 quired by valour. 
 "I am, 
 
 " Soldiers, Gentlemen, and Heroes, 
 " Your loving brother, 
 
 "A JoHNiAN Priest." 
 
 As armies were constituted at the 
 time Person wrote, it can scarcely be 
 
XV. 
 
 said that his language was exaggerated, 
 and, indeed, even at the present day 
 many of his remarks would not be 
 without relevancy. 
 
 Captain Francis Grose, the reputed 
 author of the "Advice to the Offi- 
 cers OF THE British Army," was a 
 distinguished antiquary of the last 
 century, who wrote several works on 
 the antiquities of England, Scotland 
 and Ireland, besides one on military 
 antiquities, and another on ancient 
 armor. Himself an officer of the 
 militia, a devoted student, and thrown, 
 during camp and garrison service, into 
 constant association with officers of 
 the army of all grades, he was enabled 
 to acquire the knowledge of their 
 
XVI. 
 
 errors and habits which enabled him 
 to write the present volume. Doubt- 
 less, too, he obtained many practical 
 hints relative to the mistakes com- 
 mitted in America from his son, of 
 whom he wrote as follows to his friend, 
 Mr. George Allan, in February, 1775 : 
 
 " I have been very busy getting 
 my son into the army, and have 
 at length purchased for him in Gen- 
 eral Clavering's regiment, now at 
 Boston, whither he will shortly re- 
 pair." — Nichols' Literary Anecdotes, vol. 
 viii., p. 693. 
 
 Several years afterward, he com- 
 plains to the same gentleman of his 
 
XVll. 
 
 relations with his Colonel, and is 
 thus quoted by Nichols : 
 
 " You will scarcely conceive that, 
 although I am within six miles of 
 my own house, and keep horses, I 
 have not found time to be there 
 more than twice, and that only for 
 an hour at a time. The reason is 
 this : The Colonel of our regiment 
 and I are at daggers-drawing, and I 
 do not chuse to ask a favour of 
 him. As I am Captain, Adjutant 
 and Paymaster, these triple employ- 
 ments make my constant presence 
 indispensably necessary in one char- 
 acter or the other — I mean unless 
 I would ask for an indulgence." 
 
xvni. 
 
 Captain Grose was the author of 
 several works similar, in their gen- 
 eral characteristics, to the " Advice 
 TO THE Officers of the British 
 Army." These were: "Rules for 
 Drawing Caricatures, with an Essay 
 on Comic Painting;" "A Provincial 
 Glossary, with a Collection of Local 
 Proverbs and Popular Superstitions ;" 
 " A Classical Dictionary of the Vulgar 
 Tongue;" "A Guide to Health, 
 Beauty, Riches and Honour." This 
 last was a collection of curious ad- 
 vertisements of quacks, money-lend- 
 ers, &c. 
 
 The present work he is not known 
 to have acknowledged, although it has 
 been, by common consent, attributed 
 
XIX. 
 
 to him. It first appeared in London 
 in 1783, and rapidly run through 
 several editions. It was in the same 
 year re-published in Philadelphia. 
 
 The edition now issued by the 
 Agathynian Club is a facsimile re- 
 print of the sixth London edition. A 
 few notes have been added, for the 
 purpose of elucidating certain parts 
 of the text, which might otherwise 
 be obscure to many readers, and for 
 making a few applications to subjects 
 which appeared to be of more strik- 
 ing importance. 
 
 In conclusion, the editor hopes 
 that the advice contained in this 
 little book may prove beneficial to 
 incompetent, inefficient, intemperate, 
 
XX. 
 
 dishonest, and sycophantic officers, 
 and that those who worthily wear 
 the livery of their country, and 
 maintain, in their military and civil 
 relations, the high tone which gen- 
 tlemen and soldiers should always 
 assume, may find in it something 
 to gain their commendation. To the 
 world at large, he is very sure it 
 will at least prove amusing. 
 
 New York, January ist, 1867, 
 
ADVICE 
 
 TO THE 
 
 OFFICERS 
 
 OF THE 
 
 BRITISH ARMY: 
 
 With the Addition of fome Hints to the 
 Drummer and Private Soldier. 
 
 RIDICULUM ACRI 
 FORTIUS ET MELIUS PLERUMQUE SECAT RES. 
 
 Safe from the Bar, the Pulpit and the Throne, 
 Tet touched and mov^d by Ridicule atone. 
 
 The sixth EDITION. 
 
 LONDON: 
 
 Printed by W. Richardson, for 6. Keaesley.. in 
 Fleet-ftreet. 
 
 M DCC LXXXIII. 
 
ENTERED AT STATIONERS HALL. 
 
THOUGH theveryextenfiveandrapid fale 
 of this little volume, together with the general 
 approbation of the public, particularly of fuch 
 gentlemen, as, from their profeffional cha- 
 rader, we muft allow to be the moft compe- 
 tent judges, may be thought a fufficient tef- 
 timony of its merit, yet as the judgment of 
 the critics may ferve the more ftrongly to 
 ratify and confirm it, the publifher has ta- 
 ken upon himfelf to infert the following 
 ftridures, extracted from the different Re- 
 views and Magazines. 
 
 Matfs Review for November 1782. 
 
 " This entertaining little piece of raillery, for which I have to 
 return my thanks to the unknown author, yields to its model. 
 Swift's Advice to Servants, in nothing but having come after it. 
 In wit, fatire, knowledge of the world, elegance of manners, and 
 indignation at contemptible vice, it is equal, and in objedt it is 
 much fuperior ; for what is the endeavour to correft those who 
 cannot read, whom we ourfelves make what they are, and who, ca- 
 teris paribus, are as good as ourfelves ; what is this in comparifon 
 of the attempt to reform that body (or rather I fhould hope the few 
 difgraceful individuals of that body) which ought to be every thing 
 that is humane and generous, and upon whofe condudl the national 
 charadter depends, more than upon that of any other body of men 
 whatever ? The book will have this effedt : for, as it is foon read, 
 is pleafantly written, and abounds in hits which the moft ftupid cor- 
 poral cannot mifs, it will be in every regiment, ready to feize and 
 faften upon ridicule the inftant it appears." 
 
 Britip Magazine and Review for December 1782. 
 
 " The fenfible and ingenious author of this very interefting little 
 work, hath, with peculiar fpirit and exadlnefs, marked out in a vein 
 of irony the aflual duty and rule of condufl for every officer in the 
 
 army, 
 
( ^ ) 
 
 army, from a commander in chief to a drum-major, omitting no 
 fingle circumftance that it behoves each rank to be acquainted with ; 
 but we are deceived if he has not particular charaiflers in view in 
 fume parts of his inftructions, and in particular his addrefs to com- 
 manders in chief. 
 
 *• But we will not anticipate the pleafure our fenfible military rea- 
 ders will receive in perufing this pleafing pamphlet, which ihould 
 be read at leaft once a week at every mefs in Great Britain and its 
 dependencies." 
 
 Critical Review for December 1782. 
 
 " This little tradl: is one of the feverest fatires which we remem- 
 ber to have feen } it is fimilar to Swift's Advice to Servants; and, 
 by the ironical reafon for each direftion, conveys the keeneft re- 
 proof for condudl which would difgrace the loweft followers of a 
 regiment. We would recommend this agreeable monitor to 
 the army in general; a good officer will be as little affected by 
 thefe farcafms as a refpectable divine by Foote's Minor, or 
 an intelligent phyfician by Garth's Difpenfary. If there are any 
 who, from youthful impetuofity, or a mifplaced confidence in 
 their own conduft and abilities, have realized this fatire, we 
 would advife them publicly to join In the laugh at the author's 
 wit ; and privately, by cool refleftion, to difcover their errors ; 
 and. by a ferious and determined refolution, endeavour to amend 
 them. 
 
 *' The author has very politely concluded with the well-known a- 
 dage, ^ui capity i//e facit ; fo that no one can pretend to be angry, 
 who does not appear to feel the force of his ridicule, and to acknow- 
 ledge its juftice," 
 
 Gentleman's Magazine for January 1783. 
 
 *' This little volume, which is by no mean hand, gives ironical ad- 
 vice to all ranks of officers, from the commander in chief down to 
 the corporal and drum-major. It is evidently framed on the model 
 of Swift's Advice to Servants, and exhibits a good copy of an excel- 
 lent original. 
 
 *' The fuccefs that has attended this performance will probably pro- 
 duce an inundation of Advices ; and Law, Phyfic, and Divinity, as 
 well as the Navy, we doubt not, will have their Advifers. That they 
 will be a? well qualified as the prefent, can hardly be expefted. 
 
 European 
 
( 3 ) 
 
 European Magazine J or January 1783. 
 
 " This is one of the moft laughable pieces of irony that has ap- 
 peared fince Swift provoked the rifible mufcles. We can trace ma- 
 ny living characters in this animated performance, and, in bold co- 
 louring above the reft, we readily difcovered the lean and flipper'd 
 Pantaloon of Mars. 
 
 London Magazine for February 1783. 
 
 " Let them behold (fays the Roman fatirift) the fair form of Virtue, 
 that they may confume with the anguilh of repentant forrow for having 
 forfook her." This writer, to effeiS the fame good purpofe, holds 
 up the image of vice and folly in their native colours, and with an 
 exaft and undifguifed delineation of their lineaments, in order to 
 ihame men out of a difgraceful and unworthy connection with fuch 
 odious and ridiculous monfters. The delign is truly laudable ; and 
 the execution is mafterly. The advice, though in form gay and 
 ironical, yet in reality, is ferious and pointed. No one who reads 
 this exquifite piece, if he hath the feelings of virtue, if he pofleffes the 
 generous pride of patriotifm, however he may be diverted by the wri- 
 ter's happy talent at ridicule, but rauft, at the conclufion, find his plea- 
 fure reprefled by mingled indignation and concern : and while he 
 pathetically exclaims "Are thefe things fo .'" — He will only la- 
 ment, but not wonder, that the fun of Britain is (horn of his beams !" 
 
 Monthly Review for February 1783. 
 
 " This author difclofes a rich vein of wit. His advice, though 
 clothed in the lighter form of irony, difcovers a folid and penetrat- 
 ing judgment ; and, while he holds a mirror up, that refledts the 
 true features of vice and folly, he attempts to make ingenuous fliame 
 accompliih the work of rational convidlion. 
 
 Safe from the bar, the pulpit, and the throne. 
 Yet touched and mov'd by ridicule alone. 
 For there are thofe who may be laughed out of vice and folly, 
 when all the powers of argument, and all the fanCtions of religion, 
 prove ineffedtual to reclaim them. 
 
 It 
 
( 4 ) 
 
 " It appears to be the wilh of this truly ingenious writer, to con- 
 tribute his part towards reftoring the credit of the army, by check- 
 ing the ftill further progrefs of thofe abufes and irregularities that 
 have of late fo much fullied its honour, and diminiflied its importance, 
 in the view of other countries, as well as in the estimation of the 
 wifer part of our own ; and by infpiring every officer with fenti- 
 ments worthy the duty and character of Britirti foldiers." 
 
CONTENTS. 
 
 Page. 
 
 Jntroduction, - I 
 
 Chap. I. 'To Commanders in Chief, 4 
 Chap. II. To General Officers on the 
 
 Staff, - 20 
 
 Chap. III. To Aid-de-Camps of ge- 
 neral officers, - - - 25 
 Chap. IV. To Colonels and Lieu- 
 tenant-Colonels commanding 
 corps, - - - "31 
 Chap. V. To Majors, 40 
 Chap. VI. To the Adjutant, - 45 
 Chap. VII. To the ^arter-MaJier, 51 
 Chap. VIII. To the Surgeon, 57 
 Chap. IX. To the Chaplain, 64 
 Chap. X. To the Paymajler, 71 
 Chap. XI. To Toung Officers, 74 
 Chap. XII. To the Serjeant-Major, 88 
 Chap. XIII. To the ^arter-majier 
 
 Serjeant, - - 91 
 
 Chap. XIV. To the Serjeant, 98 
 
 Chap. XV. To the Corporal, 108 
 
 a 2 Chap. 
 
[ iv 1 
 
 Page. 
 
 Chap. XVI. To the Brum-Major, 113 
 Chap. XVII. To the Drummer, 119 
 Chap. XVIII. To the Private Sol- 
 dier, - - - 124 
 
 "Just Publijhed, Price Two Shillings, 
 
 'pHE ART OF PLEASING ; or. Instruc- 
 tions for Youth in the firft Stage of Life, 
 in a Series of Letters to the present Earl 
 OF Chesterfield, by the late 
 
 PHILIP Earl of CHESTERFIELD. 
 
 A Periodical Publication fpeaks of this Work 
 in the following Terms: 
 
 " This Colleftion confifts of Fourteen Let- 
 " ters, written upon a variety of interefting 
 " fubjefts ; they are all so truly important, 
 " and pleafing likewife, that we know not 
 " which poflefles the moll merit. Every 
 " young man (of tafte and fortune parti- 
 " cularly) ought to read them with the 
 " greateft attention." 
 
 " The late Lord Chesterfield wrote them 
 " from Bath to the prefent Lord, when he 
 " was under the tuition of the unfortunate 
 " Dr. Dodd." 
 
 " They are totally diftinft from his Letters to 
 " his Son, publiflied fome years fince." 
 
INTRODUCTION. 
 
 IT may, perhaps, to many perfons 
 appear quite needlefs to publifli 
 any new fyftems of advice, after tlie 
 infinite number that have already made 
 their appearance in the world: for, 
 befides thofe fo diftinguifhed in the 
 title-page, all the treatifes on ethics, 
 as well as the fermons of our divines, 
 and the fyftems of oeconomy and po- 
 litenefs, may be ranked under that de- 
 nomination. It is an old obfervation, 
 that there are more ready to give, than 
 to take, advice ; and, in the fame man- 
 ner, we may affert, without going far 
 beyond the bounds of truth, that there 
 A are 
 
[ 2 ] 
 
 are at prefent, in the world, more 
 authors than readers. The particular 
 branch too, to which this little work 
 is addrefled, has not been negledled ; 
 and it is an officer's own fault, if he 
 is not sufficiently informed of his duty : 
 books enough have been publifhed on 
 thefubjedt, from thofe of Arrian, Ono- 
 fander, and Vegetius, down to our 
 modern fyftems of military difcipline, 
 to fill a bookfeller's fhop ; which any 
 one may be convinced of, who will 
 give himfelf the trouble of going to 
 Charing-crofs. As the world in ge- 
 neral does not feem to have become 
 more wife or virtuous, in confequence 
 of the numberlefs volumes that have 
 been written for their inftruftion and 
 improvement ; fo it does not appear 
 that the difi^erent military publica- 
 tions within this laft century have 
 added either to the knowledge or ca- 
 pacity of our generals, or to the good 
 conduft or difcipline of our armies. 
 Convinced as we are, then, of the 
 
 futility 
 
[ 3 ] 
 
 futility of all former attempts, why 
 enter on a frefli one? Does the author 
 flatter himfelf, that he poflefTes more 
 powers of perfuafion than his brethren? 
 No. But he has difcovered the fole 
 reafon why other advifers have been fo 
 little attended to : namely, becaufe they 
 have laid down a line of condudt in 
 diredt oppofition to the inclination of 
 their readers. Now, he has purfued 
 a very different method; has endea- 
 voured to feafon his admonition to their 
 appetites: and though he cannot ex- 
 pedb to have fo many readers, he 
 doubts not but that his precepts and 
 maxims will have more followers, than 
 thofe of Socrates or Epid;etus, or 
 any other moralift, who has undertaken 
 the arduous talk of reforming man- 
 kind. 
 
 DiiFerent maxims being adapted to 
 
 the different ranks, he has addreffed 
 
 himfelf feparately to each, from the 
 
 commander in chief of an army, down 
 
 A 2 to 
 
[ 4 ] 
 
 to the loweft order of non-commif- 
 fioned officers. It may bejudged a piece 
 of prefumption to offer instrudtions to 
 commanders, who have grown grey 
 in the fervice, and muft be fuppofed to 
 have already acquired fufficient expe- 
 rience and knowledge of their bufinefs. 
 How far our generals may have had 
 experience in their profeffion, or how 
 far they may ftand in need of advice, 
 the author will not pretend to deter- 
 mine: he is, indeed, apt to imagine, 
 that Jome of them are fully acquainted 
 with his maxims, and have taken care, 
 in the courfe of their command, to 
 put them in praftice. Such gentlemen 
 may fpare themfelves the trouble of 
 perufing them: he profefles to write 
 only for the inftruftion of the inex- 
 perienced and the uninformed. 
 
 ADVICE 
 
ADVICE 
 
 T O T H E 
 
 OFFICERS 
 
 O F T H E 
 
 BRITISH ARMY. 
 
 CHAPTER I. 
 
 To General Officers, commanding in 
 Chief. 
 
 A Commander in chief is to the 
 army under his command, what 
 the foul is to the body: it can neither 
 think nor adt without him; and, in 
 fhort, is as perfed: a non-entity with- 
 out its commander, as a wife is without 
 
 her 
 
[ 6 ] 
 
 her hufband. You muft, therefore, 
 through pure good-will and afFedtion 
 for your troops, take care of your own 
 facred perfon, and never expofe it to 
 any dangers. You have not arrived 
 at this rank without knowing the folly 
 of knocking one's head againft a poft, 
 when it can be avoided. When any 
 fervice of danger is to be performed, 
 you fhould fend your fecond in com- 
 mand, or fome inferior officer — but 
 whomfoever you fend, if he fucceeds 
 in the bufinefs, be fure to take all the 
 merit of it to yourfelf. 
 
 You muft be as abfolute in your 
 command, and as inacceffible to your 
 troops, as the Eaftern fultans, who 
 call themfelves the Lord's vicegerents 
 upon earth. In fadt, a commander in 
 chief is greater than a fultan; for if 
 he is not the Lord's vicegerent, he is 
 the King's, which in the idea of a mi- 
 litary man, is much better. 
 
 As 
 
[ 7 ] 
 
 As no other perfon in your army is 
 allowed to be poffefled of a fingle 
 idea, it would be ridiculous, on any 
 occafion, to aflemble a council of war, 
 or, at leaft, to be guided by their opi- 
 nion : for, in oppofition to yours, they 
 muft not truft to the moft evident 
 perception of their fenfes. It would 
 be equally abfurd and unmilitary to 
 confult their convenience; even when 
 it may be done without any detriment 
 to the fervice : that would be taking 
 away the moft effedtual method of ex- 
 ercifing their obedience, and of per- 
 fedting them in a very confiderable 
 branch of military difcipline. 
 
 You have heard that fecrecy is one 
 of the firft requifites in a commander. 
 In order, therefore, to get a name 
 for this great military virtue, you 
 muft always be filent and fullen, par- 
 ticularly at your own table; and I 
 would advife you to fecure your fecrets 
 the more effectually, by depofiting 
 
 them 
 
[ 8 ] 
 them in the fafeft place you can think 
 of ; as, for inftance, in the breaft of 
 your wife or miftrefs. 
 
 Ignorance of your profeffion is like- 
 wife beft concealed by folemnity and 
 filence, which pafs for profound know- 
 ledge upon the generality of mankind. 
 A proper attention to thefe, together 
 with extreme feverity, particularly in 
 trifles, will foon procure you the cha- 
 racter of a good officer. 
 
 It is your duty to be attentive to 
 the public good, but not without fome 
 regard to your own, in your difpen- 
 fation of favours. You mufl: take 
 care never to advance an officer above 
 one fl:ep at a time, however brilliant 
 his merit, unlefs he be your relation : 
 for you muft confider, that your ig- 
 norance in the higher branches of your 
 profeffion can only be covered by the 
 ftridlefl: attention to pundlilio, and the 
 minutia of the fervice. 
 
 As 
 
[ 9 ] 
 
 As you probably did not rife to your 
 prefent diftinguilhed rank by your own 
 merit, it cannot reafonably be expefted 
 that you ftiould promote others on that 
 fcore. 
 
 Above all, be careful never to pro- 
 mote an intelligent officer ; a brave, 
 chuckle-headed fellow will do full as 
 well to execute your orders. An officer, 
 that has an iota of knowledge above 
 the common run, you muft confider 
 as your perfonal enemy ; for you may 
 be fure he laughs at you and your ma- 
 noeuvres. 
 
 A principal part of your duty is to 
 fee juftice diftributed among your 
 troops. Military law being fo fum- 
 mary and concife, you will not find 
 this a difficult matter : but if, fimple 
 as it is, you fhould be entirely unac- 
 quainted with it, you may fubftitute 
 your own good will and pleafure — and 
 that, in fadt, muft be juftice ; for a 
 B com- 
 
[ lo J 
 
 commander in chief is as infallible as 
 the Pope, and, being the King's re- 
 prefentative, he can do no wrong, any 
 more than his royal mafter. 
 
 In diftributing juftice, you muft al- 
 ways incline a little to the ftrongeft 
 fide. Thus, if a difpute happens be- 
 tween a field officer and a fubaltern, 
 you muft, if poffible, give it in favour 
 of the former. — Force is, indeed, the 
 ruling principle in military aflfairs ; in 
 conformity to which the French term 
 their cannon, the ratio ultima regum. 
 
 Subordination being highly necef- 
 fary in an army, you muft take care 
 to keep a proper diftance, firft between 
 yourfelf and your fecretary, then be- 
 tween your fecretary and the general 
 officers on the ftaff, and fo on to the 
 laft link in the military chain. 
 
 Though you are not to allow fwear- 
 ing in others, it being forbidden by 
 
 the 
 
[ II ] 
 
 the articles of war, yet by introducing 
 a few oaths occafionally into your dif- 
 courfe, you will give your inferiors 
 fome idea of your courage ; efpecially 
 if you fhould be advanced in years : 
 for then they muft think you a dare- 
 devil indeed. I would recommend it 
 to you to make ufe of fome oath or 
 execration peculiar to yourfelf, in imi- 
 tation of Queen Elizabeth and Captain 
 Bobadil ; as, "I hope to be damned," 
 or any other equally expreffive of your 
 future wifhes or expeftations. 
 
 Remember that eafe and conveni- 
 ence are apt to render foldiers effe- 
 minate ; witnefs Hannibal's army at 
 Capua. Never, therefore, let the troops 
 have comfortable quarters ; and as mo- 
 ney, according to Horace, lowers a 
 man's courage, be fure to cut off every 
 emolument from your army, to pre- 
 vent the impediment of a full purfe. 
 No perfons will behave fo defperately 
 in action as thofe who are tired of 
 B 2 their 
 
[ 12 ] 
 
 their lives ; Ibit eb quo vis qui zonam 
 perdidit — and tlie more you pinch the 
 army under your command, the more 
 you may appropriate to your own ufe : 
 your country can afford to make you 
 the handfomer allowance. 
 
 If you ferve under a miniftry, with 
 whom oeconomy is the word, make a 
 great buftle and parade about retrench- 
 ment ; it will be prudent for you, like- 
 wife, to put it, in fome meafure, into 
 praftice ; but not fo as to extend to 
 your own perquifites, or thofe of your 
 dependents. Thefe favings are bed 
 made out of the pay of the fubaltern 
 officers and private foldiers ; who, 
 being little able to bear it, will of 
 courfe make much complaint of it, 
 which will render your regard to oeco- 
 nomy the more confpicuous. And 
 though your pay-mafter, or commif- 
 fary-general, may touch more than the 
 amount of all that you retrench from 
 the body of the army, no matter, if 
 
 you 
 
[ 13 ] 
 
 you go fnacks with them : the public 
 need know nothing about it, if they 
 are but fnug, and learn how to keep 
 their own fecrets. 
 
 Should the duties bear hard on any 
 particular corps, never attend in the 
 leaft to their reprefentations. Remon- 
 ftrances are the forerunners of mutiny ; 
 and it is the higheft infult to your rank 
 and command to infinuate that you 
 are not infallible. This rule, how- 
 ever, may be difpenfed with, when 
 the colonel or commanding-officer 
 happens to be a peer or a man of 
 great intereft. 
 
 Be fure to give out a number of or- 
 ders. It will at leaft fhew the troops you 
 do not forget them. The more trifling 
 they are, the more it fhews your atten- 
 tion to the fervice ; and fhould your or- 
 ders contradid: one another, it will give 
 you an opportunity of altering them, 
 and find subjedt for frefli regulations. 
 
 You 
 
[ H ] 
 
 You will doubtlefs foon learn what 
 to do with the fecret-fervice money. 
 The gullibility of the minifters at 
 home may perhaps induce them to 
 believe, that this is all expended on 
 fpies, on gaining intelligence, and 
 other public interefts. So a part of 
 it is, however fmall ; but there are 
 other fervices equally fecret, and no 
 lefs important — to the commander in 
 chief, which muft be fupplied from 
 this fund, efpecially if he has pafled 
 his grand climafteric. In this you 
 cannot be faid to cheat the public ; for 
 you give them the real ftate of the ex- 
 pence ; fo that there is no knavery or 
 collufion in the matter. 
 
 You fhould have a clever fecretary 
 to write your difpatches, in cafe you 
 fhould not be fo well qualified your- 
 felf.' This gentleman may often ferve 
 to get you out of a fcrape. You muft 
 take pains fo to interlard your letters 
 with technical terms, that neither the 
 
 public. 
 
[ ^5 ] 
 
 public, nor the minifter to whom they 
 are addrefled, will underftand them ; 
 efpecially if the tranfaftions you are 
 defcribing be trivial : it will then give 
 them an air of importance. This is 
 conformable to the maxim in epic and 
 dramatic poetry, of raifing the didtion 
 at times to cover the poverty of the 
 fubjed:. 
 
 In your firft official letter you muft 
 ingraft a tolerable number of French 
 words, though there be English ones 
 equally a propos, to give people an 
 idea of your military talents : but 
 then you fhould take care to keep up 
 the fame fpirit of writing, otherwife 
 they may imagine, that your abilities 
 and your language are exhaufted toge- 
 ther. 
 
 If upon fervice you have any ladies 
 in your camp, be valiant in your con- 
 verfation before them. There is no- 
 thing pleafes the ladies more than to 
 
 hear 
 
[ i6 ] 
 
 hear of ftorming breaches, attacking 
 the covert-way fword in hand, and 
 fuch like martial exploits. This how- 
 ever I only recommend at night over 
 the bottle : it cannot be expedied that 
 you fhould be fo valiant and blood- 
 thirfty, upon mature deliberation, the 
 next morning ; that, indeed, would 
 be murder in cold blood. 
 
 Nothing is fo commendable as gen- 
 erofity to an enemy. To follow up 
 a vi6lory, would be taking the advan- 
 tage of his diftrefs. It will be fufB- 
 cient therefore for you to fliew, that 
 you can beat him when you think pro- 
 per. Befides, giving your enemy too 
 fevere a drubbing may put an end to 
 the war, before you have feathered 
 your neft handfomely, and provided 
 for your relations and dependents. 
 
 When you have occafion to put into 
 winter quarters or cantonments in an 
 enemy's country, you fhould place 
 
 your 
 
[ 17 ] 
 
 your worft troops, or thofe you can 
 leaft depend upon, in the out-pofts: 
 for if the enemy fhould form the de- 
 fign of cutting them off, though he 
 would be the more likely to fucceed in 
 it, yet the lofs, you know, is of the 
 lefs confequence to your army. 
 
 When an inferior general is to be 
 detached upon an expedition, be fure 
 to fend the moft ignorant and inex- 
 perienced; for he ftands the moft in 
 need of a leflbn.^ 
 
 You fhould always a(5t openly and 
 fairly both with friends and foes. Ne- 
 ver therefore fteal a march, or lay in 
 ambufh; neither fhould you fire upon 
 or attack your enemy in the night. If 
 you have read Pope's tranflation of 
 Homer, you may remember what Hec- 
 tor fays, when about to fight with 
 Ajax: 
 
 -Open 
 
[ i8 ] 
 
 — Open be our fight, and bold each blow, 
 I ft eat no conqueft from a noble foe. 
 
 If you are purfuing a retreating 
 enemy, let him get a few days march 
 a-head, to fliew him that you have 
 no doubt of being able to overtake 
 him, when you fet about it: and who 
 knows but this proceeding may en- 
 courage him to ftop? After he has 
 retired to a place of fecurity, you may 
 then go in queft of him with your 
 whole army. 
 
 It will be your own fault, if you do 
 not make a fortune in the courfe of 
 your command. When you come 
 home, you have nothing to do but to 
 enjoy otium cum dignitate. I would 
 have you build a villa, and, in imi- 
 tation of the great Duke of Marlbo- 
 rough, call it by the name of the moft 
 confiderable victory you have gained. 
 If you have gained no viftory, you 
 may perhaps have taken fome town 
 
 without 
 
[ 19 ] 
 without ramparts or garrifon to defend 
 it ; which, if it has but a founding 
 name, the public will give you as 
 much credit for, as they would for 
 Lille, or Bergen-op-Zoom. 
 
 If you Ihould ever be called into 
 the fervice again, you will be too wife 
 from your paft experience to go and 
 expofe your old bones in Germany, 
 America, or the Indies. So I would 
 advife you to get the command of a 
 camp or diftridt in old England ; where 
 you may enjoy all the pomp and pa- 
 rade of war, and, at the fame time, 
 be tolerably fecure from thofe hard 
 knocks, which your neceffities impelled 
 you to rifle in your younger days. 
 
 C2 CHAP. 
 
20 
 
 CHAP. II 
 
 "To General Officers upon the Staff. 
 
 NOtwithftanding your diftinguifhed 
 rank in the army, whether you 
 are a general, a lieutenant-general, a 
 major-general, or a brigadier, you are 
 no more to the commander in chief 
 than a petty nabob is to the Great 
 Mogul. If ever you wifh to rife a ftep 
 above your prefent degree, you muft 
 learn that maxim in the art of war, of 
 currying favour with your fuperiors; 
 and you muft not only cringe to the 
 commander in chief himfelf, but you 
 muft take efpecial care to keep in with 
 his favourites, and dance attendance 
 upon his fecretary. 
 
 The more fervility and fawning you 
 pra6tife towards thofe above you, the 
 more you have a right to exad from 
 
 thofe 
 
[ ^I ] 
 
 thofe beneath you. You muft there- 
 fore take care to let all the fubalterns 
 know what refped is due to a general 
 officer. 
 
 If any appointments, fuch as extra- 
 engineer, brigade-major, infpedor of 
 the works, or refident-commiflary, 
 happen to fall within your difpofal ; be 
 fure to give them all in your own re- 
 giment, and to perfons who do not 
 want them, and are incapable of doing 
 the bufinefs. The lefs they are qua- 
 lified to aft, the greater the obliga- 
 tion to you, and the more evident the 
 demonftration of your power. It will 
 fhew that your favour is fufficient to 
 enable a man to hold and to difcharge 
 any office, however deficient his know- 
 ledge of the duties. 
 
 Nothing fhews a general's attention 
 more than requiring a number of re- 
 turns, particularly fuch as it is difficult 
 to make with any degree of accuracy. 
 
 Let 
 
[ ^^ ] 
 
 Let your brigade-major, therefore, 
 make out a variety of forms, the more 
 red lines the better : as to the infor- 
 mation they convey, that is immate- 
 rial ; no one ever reads them, the chief 
 ufe of them being to keep the adju- 
 tants and ferjeants in employment, and 
 to make a perquifite to your valet-de 
 chambre, who can fell them at the 
 fnuff-fliop or to the grocer. 
 
 Whenever you are to review a re- 
 giment under your command, a fhort 
 time before the review enquire the par- 
 ticular mode of exercife which the re- 
 giment has been accuftomed to, and 
 oblige them to alter it for one quite 
 different. This will fhew you are ac- 
 quainted with the minutiae or elements 
 of the military fcience, as well as the 
 Grand TaElick. Thus, if the regiment 
 has been accuftomed to mark the ca- 
 dence with the left foot, order them 
 to do it with the right. Change the 
 time of the manual ; and make other 
 
 alte- 
 
[ ^3 ] 
 alterations of equal importance. It 
 will occupy the attention of the foldier, 
 and prevent him from falling into idle- 
 nefs, the fource of all evil. 
 
 If it fhould happen to rain when 
 you are reviewing the troops, I would 
 recommend it to you to provide your- 
 felf with a parapluie, and not imitate 
 the condudt of an Irifh general, who, 
 at a late review of the volunteers at 
 Waterford, walked along the line with 
 his hat off, during an inceflant fhower 
 of rain. A general's perfon is to be 
 fecured as well from the fury of the 
 elements, as from that of the enemy's 
 cannon. Befides, though we may ad- 
 mit the texture of your fkull to be 
 equally fubftantial, yet as you have feen 
 fome fervice, it may not require quite 
 fo much cooling as that of the Hiber- 
 nian general. 
 
 If you fhould command in a fortrefs 
 that is laid fiege to, you muft referve 
 
 your 
 
[ 24 ] 
 
 your fire to the laft, that your ammu- 
 nition may not be exhaufted : befides 
 firing upon the enemy would fo retard 
 their progrefs, that your garrifon might 
 be ftarved into a capitulation, before 
 you could have a fair opportunity of 
 beating them. 
 
 But where an enemy thinks himfelf 
 able to' befiege you in a fortrefs, the 
 beft and fafeft way to convince him of 
 his miftake, is to march out and give 
 him battle. 
 
 You may fometimes, however unfit 
 for it, be entrufted with the command 
 of an expedition. In this cafe, I dare 
 fay you will take care to aflume all 
 the privileges of a commander in chief: 
 I fhall therefore refer you to fome of 
 the hints addrefled to that officer in the 
 laft chapter. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 25 ] 
 
 CHAP. III. 
 
 To Aid-de-Camps of General Officers. 
 
 AN aid-de-camp is to his general 
 what Mercury was to Jupiter, 
 and what the jackal is to the lion. It 
 is a poll that very few can fill with 
 credit, and requires parts and educa- 
 tion to execute its duties with pro- 
 priety. Miftake me not ; I do not 
 mean that you are to puzzle your brain 
 with Mathematicks, or fpoil your eyes 
 with poring over Greek and Latin. 
 Nor is it neceflary you lliould under- 
 ftand military manoeuvres, or even 
 the manual exercife. It is the graces 
 you muft court, by means of their high 
 prieft, a dancing-mafter. Learn to 
 make a good bow ; that is the firft 
 grand effential ; the next is to carve 
 and hold the toaft ; and if you afpire 
 to great eminence, get a few French 
 D and 
 
[ ^6 ] 
 
 and German phrafes by rote ; thefe, 
 befides giving you an air of learning, 
 may induce people to fuppofe you have 
 ferved abroad. Next to thefe accom- 
 plifhments, the art of liftening with a 
 feeming attention to a long ftory, will 
 be of great ufe to you ; particularly if 
 your general is old and has ferved in 
 former wars, or has accidentally been 
 prefent at any remarkable fiege or bat- 
 tle. On all occafions take an opportu- 
 nity of afking him fome queftion, that 
 may lead him to defcribe the particu- 
 lars of thofe tranfadlions. 
 
 You are not only the Sir Clement 
 Cottrell at the general's levee, but you 
 muft alfo ad: as his Nomenclator 
 abroad. Whenever you whifper in his 
 ear the name of any officer, you fliould 
 at the fame time contrive, if poffible, 
 to drop fome little hint of his charadter, 
 or fome anecdote, though it fhould be 
 in the officer's favour. This will give 
 
 the 
 
[ 27 ] 
 
 the general an idea of your extenfive 
 knowledge. 
 
 If your general keeps a girl, it is 
 your duty to fquire her to all public 
 places, and to make an humble third 
 of a party at whift or quadrille ; but be 
 fure never to win : if you fhould be fo 
 unlucky as to have a good hand, when 
 againft your general, renounce, or by 
 fome other means contrive to make as 
 little of it as you can. 
 
 When your general invites any fub- 
 alterns to his table, it will be unbe- 
 coming your dignity to take any no- 
 tice of them. If there are any field- 
 officers or captains invited, you may 
 condefcend to chatter and hob-nob with 
 them. You may, indeed, be under 
 the neceffity of carving for the fub- 
 alterns, that being your immediate of- 
 fice ; in which cafe, help them to the 
 coarfeft bits, and take care that they 
 D 1 are 
 
[ 28 ] 
 
 are vifited by the bottle as feldom as 
 poffible. 
 
 Whenever the general fends you 
 with a meflage in the field, though 
 ever fo trifling, gallop as faft as you 
 can up to and againfl: the perfon, to 
 whom it is addrefl"ed. Should you ride 
 over him, it will fhew your alertnefs 
 in the performance of your duty.' 
 
 In delivering the meflage be as con- 
 cife as poflible, no matter whether you 
 are underfl;ood or not, and gallop 
 back again as fafl: as you came. To 
 appear the more warlike, you fliould 
 ride with your fword drawn ; but take 
 care you do not cut your horfe's ear off. 
 
 When the general reviews a regi- 
 ment, it is your bufinefs to receive the 
 returns. Juft as the officer pafl"es by, 
 contrive to run againft him, fo as to 
 make him lofe the ftep, and put him 
 
 out 
 
[ 29 ] 
 
 out at leaft, if you cannot throw the 
 whole divifion into diforder. 
 
 In coming with orders to a camp, 
 gallop through every ftreet of the dif- 
 ferent regiments, particularly if the 
 ground be foft and boggy. A great 
 man fhould always leave ibme tracks 
 behind him. 
 
 Make it your bufinefs, in common, 
 with the chaplain and adjutant, to col- 
 led: all the news and fcandal of the 
 camp or garrifon, and report it to 
 your general. But be careful not to 
 lofe any particulars, efpecially if any 
 officers of the general's regiment are 
 concerned : this will prevent your be- 
 ing rivalled in his confidence. 
 
 You fhould always aflume a myfte- 
 rious air; and if any one afks you the 
 moft trifling quefl:ion, fuch as, whe- 
 ther the line will be out at exercife to- 
 morrow ? or any other matter of equal 
 
 im- 
 
[ 30 ] 
 
 importance, never give a direct an- 
 fwer ; but look grave, and afFeftedly 
 turn the difcourfe to fome other fub- 
 jeft. If a fubaltern ftiould only ven- 
 ture to alk you, what it is o'clock ? 
 you muft not inform him, in order to 
 fhew that you are fit to be entrufted 
 with fecrets. 
 
 In a word, let your deportment be 
 haughty and infolent to your inferiors, 
 humble and fawning to your fuperiors, 
 folemn and diftant to your equals. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 31 ] 
 
 CHAP. IV. 
 
 To Colonels and Lieutenant-Colonels 
 commanding corps. 
 
 AS foon as you have arrived at the 
 command of a regiment, you 
 will form your conduit upon the mo- 
 del of your fuperiors, and be as de- 
 fpotic in your little department as the 
 great Cham of Tartary. When giving 
 orders to your regirnent on the parade, 
 or marching at the head of it, you will 
 doubtlefs, feel as bold as a cock, and 
 look as fierce as a lion ; yet, when the 
 commander in chief, or any other ge- 
 neral officer approaches, it muft all 
 fubfide into the meeknefs of the lamb 
 and the obfequioufnefs of the fpaniel. 
 
 You are to confider yourfelf as the 
 father of your corps, and muft take 
 care to exercife a paternal authority 
 
 over 
 
[ 32 ] 
 
 over it : as a good father does not 
 fpare the rod, fo fhould not a com- 
 manding officer fpare the cat-of-nine- 
 tails.-* 
 
 It is your duty alfo to be very atten- 
 tive to the good of your regiment, and 
 to keep a watchful eye to its advantage, 
 except when it clafhes with your own. 
 If you have intereft with the com- 
 mander in chief, always be careful to 
 fecure yourfelf good winter quarters ; 
 and if you have an inclination to any 
 particular town, either from having a 
 miftrefs there, or any other good caufe, 
 you need not mind marching your 
 regiment two or three hundred miles 
 to it. Though it will fatigue the fol- 
 diers and drain the officers' purfes, they 
 will not dare to grumble at it, but will 
 be happy, I am fure, to oblige their 
 commander. Soldiers, you know, are 
 merely intended for your ufe and con- 
 venience, juft as the people are created 
 
 for 
 
[ 33 ] 
 
 for the pleafure of the kings who go- 
 vern them. 
 
 But if there areany of your field-offi- 
 cers, or others, who have more intereft 
 at Court than yourfelf, you muft diredt 
 your march where they think proper. 
 I know an inftance of a major, who, 
 being fond of the fports of the field, 
 got his regiment ordered from their 
 encampment in Kent into winter quar- 
 ters in Cornwall. Hearing, however, 
 when the regiment had got to Exeter 
 in its way, that there was better fhoot- 
 ing, as well as hunting, in Hampfhire, 
 he immediately pofts to the War-office, 
 and gets the order countermanded. 
 They are accordingly faced to the right- 
 about, and marched back again to the 
 New Foreft ; where they arrive, the 
 foldiers without fhoes, and the officers 
 without any inclination for hunting. 
 Thus had they the pleafure of feeing 
 the world, and of marching two hun- 
 dred miles and back again, to the 
 E great 
 
[ 34 ] 
 
 great advantage of the publicans, and 
 the farmers' pigs and fowls on the 
 road — becaufe their major was a 
 fportfman. 
 
 When promoted to the command of 
 a regiment from fome other corps, 
 fhew them that they were all in the 
 dark before, and, overturning their 
 whole routine of difcipline, introduce 
 another as different as poffible ; I will 
 not fuppofe of your own — you may not 
 have genius enough for that : but if 
 you can only contrive to vamp up fome 
 old exploded fyftem, it will have all 
 the appearance of novelty to thofe, 
 who have never pradised it before : 
 the few who have, will give you cre- 
 dit for having feen a great deal of 
 fervice. 
 
 If your regiment fhould not be pro- 
 vided with a band of mulic, you fhould 
 immediately perfuade the captains to 
 raife one. This, you know, is kept 
 
 at 
 
[ 35 ] 
 
 at their expence, whilft you reap the 
 principal benefit ; for befides keeping 
 them always with your own company, 
 and treating them as your own private 
 band, they will, if properly managed, 
 as by lending them to private parties, 
 aflemblies, &c. ferve to raife you a 
 confiderable intereft among the gentle- 
 men of the country, and, what is of 
 more confequence, among the ladies. 
 
 You cannot take too much pains to 
 maintain fubordination in your corps. 
 The fubalterns of the Britifli army are 
 but too apt to think themfelves gentle- 
 men ; a miftake which it is your bufi- 
 nefs to recftify. Put them, as often 
 as you can, upon the moft difagreeable 
 and ungentlemanly duties ; and endea- 
 vour by every means to bring them 
 upon a level with the fubaltern officers 
 of the German armies. 
 
 Never fpeak kindly to a non-com- 
 
 miffion officer. An auftere and diftant 
 
 E 2 beha- 
 
[ 36 ] 
 
 behaviour gives them an elevated idea 
 of your dignity ; and if it does not 
 tend to make them love you, it will at 
 leaft caufe them to fear you, which is 
 better. 
 
 Whenever any overfight or mifde- 
 meanour, however trivial, is reported 
 to have been committed by an officer, 
 order him under an immediate arreft, 
 without giving yourfelf the trouble of 
 an enquiry. If he is an old offender, 
 you fhould confider him as irre- 
 claimable, and releafe him foon after. 
 But if he has in general conduced 
 himfelf with propriety, be fure to 
 bring him to a court-martial. This 
 will eftablifh your character with the 
 commander in chief, by fhewing that 
 you are determined to fupport difci- 
 pline, and that the fmalleft offence 
 will not efcape your notice. Befides, 
 it is more inexcufable in a good offi- 
 cer ; for he has not the power of habit 
 to plead as an alleviation : and you 
 
 know 
 
[ 37 ] 
 
 know it will be beft to nip his vices in 
 the bud. 
 
 Never ftir without an orderly fer- 
 jeant, particularly when you ride 
 through a town, or from one regiment 
 to another. If you have no other ufe 
 for him, he will ferve to hold your 
 horfe when you difmount. 
 
 When the regiment is on the march, 
 gallop from front to rear as often as 
 poffible, efpecially if the road is dufty. 
 Never pafs through the intervals, but 
 charge through the centre of each pla- 
 toon or divifion. The cry of — open to 
 the right and left — incline to the right 
 — marks your importance : and it is 
 diverting enough to duft a parcel of 
 fellows, already half choaked, and to 
 fee a poor devil of a foldier, loaded 
 like a jack-afs, endeavouring to get 
 out of the way. In your abfence, the 
 fame liberty may be taken by the ad- 
 jutant. 
 
 If 
 
[ 38 ] 
 
 If on fervice you are appointed to 
 the command of any garrifon or poft, 
 guard every part except that by which 
 the enemy is moft likely to approach : 
 for if you prevent his coming, you can 
 have no opportunity of fhewing your 
 valour. Thefe parts you may recon- 
 noitre yourfelf ; and if you fhould be 
 taken, you will at any rate get the 
 charafter of an alert officer, having 
 been the firft to difcover the enemy. 
 
 The command of five or fix hun- 
 dred men will give you fome idea of 
 your own confequence ; and you will 
 of courfe look down upon all but your 
 fuperiors in the army, and gentlemen 
 of high rank and fortune. Though 
 your father may have been a pedlar 
 or an excifeman, you will entertain a 
 hearty contempt for all bourgeois' ; and 
 though your education may have been 
 confined to reading, writing, and the 
 four firft rules in Arithmetick, yet you 
 
 are 
 
[ 39 ] 
 are to confider every man as an igno- 
 rant and illiterate fellow, who knows 
 not how to manoeuvre a battalion. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 40 ] 
 
 CHAP. V. 
 
 'To Majors. 
 
 EVERY one knows it is the ma- 
 jor's bufinefs to exercife the regi- 
 ment on horfeback. It appears, there- 
 fore, that the principal, and indeed 
 the only, requifites for this office, are, 
 the lungs of a Stentor, and a good feat 
 in the faddle. 
 
 If you were ignorant of your bufi- 
 nefs when promoted to this poft, you 
 need not give yourfelf much trouble 
 to acquire a knowledge of it. The 
 ftudy of the manoeuvres you may leave 
 to the ferjeant-major, and that of the 
 exercife to the drill-ferjeants : all that 
 it is neceflary for you to learn, is how 
 to drop the point of your fword. 
 
 When- 
 
[ 41 ] 
 
 Whenever you are to exercife the 
 regiment, get the adjutant or ferjeant- 
 major to write out on a fmall card the 
 words of command in the proper or- 
 der : and if you cannot retain the ma- 
 noeuvres in your head, you may at 
 leaft keep them in your hat ; which 
 will anfwer the fame purpofe. 
 
 But however convenient it may be 
 to keep your card in the crown of your 
 hat, when you exercife the regiment 
 on foot, it will not do quite fo well on 
 horfeback. In this cafe you may fix 
 it on the faddle or holfter-pipe, or, 
 which I would rather recommend, on 
 the cap of the orderly drummer : but 
 then you muft take care that he flicks 
 as clofe to you as Eo, Meo, and Area. 
 
 In exercifing the regiment, call out 
 frequently to fome of the moft atten- 
 tive men and officers to drefs, cover, 
 or fomething of that nature : the lefs 
 they are reprehenfible, the greater will 
 F your 
 
[ 4^ ] 
 
 your difcernment appear to the by- 
 ftanders, in finding out a fault invifible 
 to them. 
 
 When it is your turn to be field- 
 officer of the day in camp, be fure to 
 keep the picquets waiting as long as 
 you can, particularly if it fhould rain: 
 this will accuftom the foldiers to ftand 
 the weather, and will make them glad 
 to fee you. When you come, con- 
 trive by fpurring your horfe to make 
 him prance, fo that he may be near 
 overturning the captain of the picquet ; 
 by which means you will get the credit 
 of riding a fpirited charger. But this 
 muft be done with caution ; I knew a 
 major, who, by an attempt of this 
 kind, wound up a fpirit in his horfe 
 that he could not lay, but was himfelf 
 depofited in the dirt. 
 
 In going the rounds in the night, 
 do not fail to keep the ferjeant and ef- 
 cort in a good round trot. This will 
 
 pre- 
 
[ 43 ] 
 
 prevent their catching cold, and may- 
 be done without the leaft inconveni- 
 ence, if you are on horfeback. 
 
 Be fure to report any non-commif- 
 fion officer's guard, where the coun- 
 terfign is pronounced wrong ; efpe- 
 cially, if it be a foreign word ; that will 
 demonftrate your knowledge of the 
 language. That you may have fome 
 one to find fault with, hide your Ian- 
 thorn, and fteal upon them as privately 
 as poffible : but in vifiting a quarter- 
 guard, take care to give fufficient no- 
 tice of your approach ; and, fhould 
 the officer be afleep, abfent, or drunk, 
 it would be ill-natured to mention it, 
 and would befides injure the fervice, 
 by making the corps of officers lefs 
 refpeftable. 
 
 You muft leave all the troublefome 
 
 parts of your bufinefs to your deputy, 
 
 the adjutant — for you have a property 
 
 in him, as well as the commanding of- 
 
 F 2 ficer. 
 
I 44 ] 
 
 ficer. Your authority, however, ex- 
 tends only to the field ; the other can 
 command his fervices alfo in the clofet. 
 I take it for granted, then, that you 
 will contrive to throw all the detail 
 upon his fhoulders ; and fhall therefore 
 proceed to give him a few diredtions 
 for his conduft. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 45 ] 
 
 CHAP. VI. 
 
 "To the Adjutant. 
 
 AN adjutant is a wit ex officio, and 
 finds many (landing jokes an- 
 nexed to his appointment. It is on 
 the happy application of thefe that his 
 charafter depends. Thus, for exam- 
 ple, when the men lofe the ftep, you 
 may obferve, that their legs move like 
 thofe before a hofier's fliop in windy 
 weather; if, in the platoon exercife, 
 they do not come down to the pre/ent 
 together, that they perform the moti- 
 ons juft as they were born, one after 
 the other. In ftiort, by attending a 
 little to the converfation of the wags 
 among the non-commiffion officers and 
 foldiers, you may foon form a very 
 pretty colledion ; which certainly muft 
 be fterling, as they have flood the tell 
 of perhaps a century. 
 
 Read- 
 
[ 46 ] 
 
 Reading and writing are very necef- 
 fary accomplifhments for an adjutant. 
 If you cannot fpell, you fhould keep 
 Entick's dictionary in your pocket ; 
 but it will be of little ufe, if you know 
 not the meaning of the words : fo it 
 will be beft for you to get the ferjeant- 
 major, or fome other intelligent non- 
 commiffion officer, if there be fuch in 
 the corps, to write your orders, let- 
 ters, &c. 
 
 If you are deficient in knowledge of 
 your duty, the word of command given 
 in a boatfwain's tone of voice, with a 
 tolerable aflurance, and the dextrous 
 ufe of your oaken fapling, will carry 
 you through till you get a fmattering 
 of your bufinefs. 
 
 The manoeuvres performed by a re- 
 giment are merely intended to fhew 
 the {kill of the adjutant ; for, I appre- 
 hend, no other manoeuvres are ufed 
 upon fervice, but to march up to the 
 
 enemy. 
 
' [ 47 ] 
 
 enemy, when the battalion feels bold, 
 and to run away, when it is not 
 in a fighting humour. All manoeu- 
 vres Ihould therefore be calculated 
 to aftonifh the fpeftators, and the 
 more confufed and intricate they 
 are, the better. A good adjutant 
 ftiould be able to play as many tricks 
 with a regiment, as Breflaw can with 
 a pack of cards. There is one in par- 
 ticular that I would recommend, name- 
 ly, that of difperfing and falling in 
 again by the colours ; which you will 
 find extremely ufeful, whenever you 
 contrive to club, or otherwife to con- 
 fufe, the battalion. 
 
 Whenever the colonel or command- 
 ing officer is on the parade, you Ihould 
 always feem in a hurry, and the oftener 
 you run or gallop from right to left, 
 the more affiduous will you appear : 
 laying your rattan now and then over 
 the head, or acrofs the face, of fome 
 old foldier, for being ftifF through in- 
 firmity. 
 
[ 48 ] 
 
 firmity, will get you the charader of 
 a fmart adjutant. 
 
 Should you make a miftake in tell- 
 ing off a divifion, fhift the blame from 
 your own fhoulders, by abufing the 
 ferjeant or corporal of the divifion ; and 
 when, at any time, there is a blunder- 
 ing or confufion in a manoeuvre, ride 
 in amongft the foldiers, and lay about 
 you from right to left. This will con- 
 vince people that it was not your fault. 
 
 Be fure to liften to every piece of 
 fcandal refpefting the commanding of- 
 ficer, and tell him of it the firft oppor- 
 tunity. Should none be thrown out, 
 it might not be amifs to invent fome. 
 If he keeps a lady, wait upon her with 
 the utmoft refpeft, be her chaperon to 
 all public places, feed her dog, and 
 fcratch the poll of her parrot — but 
 take care that your attention to the 
 lady does not make her keeper jealous. 
 
 This 
 
I 49 ] 
 
 This might be of bad confequence 
 to you. 
 
 Never fufFer your rofter to be quef- 
 tioned, and though it fhould be wrong, 
 never condefcend to alter it. The 
 rofter is the adjutant's log-book, which 
 he is to manage as will be moft condu- 
 cive to his own private views. If you 
 fhould therefore have a pique againft 
 any officer, you fhould contrive to 
 fend him upon the moft dangerous and 
 difagreeable duties ; and thefe he can- 
 not in honour decline : for you know, 
 according to military rules, an officer 
 muft do the duty the adjutant orders 
 him on firft, and remonftrate after- 
 wards. Probably he will never return 
 — but if he fhould, it will not require 
 much dexterity to acquit yourfelf, if 
 you are upon a proper footing with the 
 commanding officer. His friends them- 
 felves cannot fay that you do him a 
 real injury : for you put him in a way 
 of being handfomely provided for, and 
 G of 
 
[ 5° ] 
 of paying his debts in a foldierlike 
 
 manner. 
 
 If you ihould be appointed adjutant 
 to a regiment of militia, endeavour, as 
 foon as you join the corps, to give the 
 officers an idea of your military talents, 
 by making it appear that you have 
 feen a vaft deal of fervice. Talk of 
 your campaigns in Germany, and 
 America, of the roafting you have ex- 
 perienced in the Eaft and Weft Indies, 
 and the cold of Newfoundland and 
 Canada. If you have been in none of 
 thofe places, no matter ; they cannot 
 difpute it, for you may fwear none of 
 them have been there. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 51 ] 
 
 CHAP. VII. 
 
 To the ^arter-M after. 
 
 THE (landing maxim of your 
 office is to receive whatever is 
 offered you, or you can get hold of, 
 but not to part with any thing you can 
 keep. Your ftore-room muft refemble 
 the lion's den ; 
 
 Multa te advorfum fpeSfantia, pauca re- 
 trorfumj 
 
 Live and let live, is alfo another 
 golden rule, which you muft remem- 
 ber and pradlife, particularly refpedl- 
 ing the contrador for bread and fo- 
 rage; who, if he is grateful, will not 
 forget your kindnefs : whence you may 
 find it in reality a golden rule. 
 
 G 1 Obferve 
 
[ 5^ J 
 
 Obferve the fame with refpect to 
 ftraw and wood. It is mechanical, 
 and unbecoming a gentleman, to be 
 weighing them like a cheefemonger. 
 When the foldiers are receiving ftraw 
 for the hofpital, order them to drop 
 a trufs or two at your hut in the rear. 
 This will lighten their burthen, and 
 make the tafk lefs toilfome. The 
 fame may be done with the wood for 
 the hofpital ; and the fick, efpecially 
 the feverifh, have little need of fire in 
 fummer. 
 
 Whenever any regimental ftores are 
 fent to the regiment, be fure to unpack 
 them immediately, and feize upon the 
 packages as your own perquifite. At 
 the conclufion of a campaign take care 
 alfo to fecure the tents of the rear and 
 quarter-guards. 
 
 When your regiment is ordered out 
 of barracks, as you are the principal 
 depredator, it will be neceflary for you 
 
 to 
 
[ 53 ] 
 
 to get out of the way firft. Go off 
 therefore the day before, under the 
 pretence of providing quarters for the 
 regiment ; by which means you will get 
 out of the barrack-mafter's clutches ; 
 whom you need not previoully be at 
 the trouble of fettling with ; but leave 
 him to do it, as well as he can, with the 
 quarter-mailer of the corps that is to 
 march into the barracks. 
 
 You need not mind, whether the 
 provifion iflued to the foldiers be 
 good or bad.® If it were always good, 
 they would get too much attached to 
 eating to be good foldiers, — and as a 
 proof that this gormandifing is not mi- 
 litary, you will not find in a gallant 
 army of 50,000 men a fingle fat man, 
 unlefs it be a quarter-mafter, or a 
 quarter-mafter-ferjeant. 
 
 If the foldiers complain of the bread, 
 tafte it, and fay, better men have eat 
 much worfe. Talk of the bompernicle, 
 
 or 
 
[ 54 ] 
 or black rye bread of the Germans, and 
 fwear you have feen the time when you 
 would have jumped at it. Call them a 
 fet of grumbling rafcals, and threaten 
 to confine them for mutiny. This, 
 if it does not convince them of the 
 goodnefs of the bread, will at leaft 
 frighten them, and make them take it 
 quietly. 
 
 If any good rum or brandy iliould be 
 delivered to you from the commiflary's 
 ftores for the foldiers, or wine (which 
 might poffibly happen) for the hofpi- 
 tal, you fliould redify what was cer- 
 tainly a miftake in the contraftors, by 
 appropriating it to your own ufe, and 
 fubftituting fome of an inferior qua- 
 lity, — unlefs the commanding officer 
 fhould infift upon this as his perquifite. 
 By fo doing you will prevent them 
 from becoming dainty : for fhould 
 they once tafte fuch choice liquor, it 
 might tend to make them difcontented 
 with their common allowance. 
 
 Always 
 
[ 55 ] 
 
 Always keep a horfe or two. It 
 would be hard, if you could not have 
 hay and corn enough to maintain them, 
 confidering how much paffes through 
 your hands. 
 
 When you go before the regiment 
 to take quarters, be fure to get drunk 
 with the quarter-mafter of the regiment 
 that you are to relieve. Your quarter- 
 mafter-ferjeant may draw the billets, 
 receive the ftore-rooms, &c.; and if 
 he alfo Ihould get drunk with his bro- 
 ther quarter-mafter-ferjeant, it is no 
 great matter : — let the foldiers wait ; 
 it will prevent their going into their 
 quarters in a heat. 
 
 The quarter-mafter is confidered as 
 the fteward of the colonel — You muft 
 therefore be careful to difcharge your 
 duty like a good fteward, who has fuch 
 a regard for his mafter, as to extend it 
 even to his fervants ; amongft whom, 
 he does not forget himfelf; but, know- 
 ing 
 
[ 56 ] 
 
 ing the value of his own fervices, takes 
 care to fecure to himfelf a due propor- 
 tion ; merely that his mafter may not 
 be charged with ingratitude. You 
 muft on all occafions endeavour to in- 
 culcate the do6lrines of witchcraft and 
 inchantment : it will be difficult to ac- 
 count on other principles for the fud- 
 den and frequent difappearance of vari- 
 ous articles out of your magazine.' 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 57 ] 
 
 CHAP. VIII. 
 
 To the Surgeon} 
 
 A Regimental furgeon muft in- 
 vert the apothecaries' maxim, of 
 drenching the patient with medicines ; 
 and muft be a great advocate for leave- 
 ing nature to her own operations ; unlefs 
 he has difcovered fome fuch ufeful and 
 unchargeable panacea as Dodtor San- 
 grado's. 
 
 The great fecret of your profeffion 
 is the art of fubftitution. By this you 
 may provide yourfelf with medicines, 
 the produce of your own native foil, 
 which will rival in excellence the moft 
 expenfive articles from the Levant or 
 the Indies. Thus chalk will do for 
 crab's eyes, or any teftaceous powder, 
 oil of turpentine, for balfam of capivi, 
 and oak bark, for Peruvian. — By the 
 way, it would be inconfiftent with your 
 H cha- 
 
[ 58 ] 
 
 character, as a good proteftant, to en- 
 courage thofe thieves the Jefuits,' by 
 ufing any of their medicines ; and you 
 have a further inducement, as a patriot, 
 to promote the confumption of Britifh 
 commodities, in preference to thofe of 
 ftrangers. 
 
 By this art of fubftitution, a com- 
 fortable bowl of punch may, on an 
 emergency, be compounded out of the 
 medicine cheft. Honey will ferve for 
 fugar, vitriol affords a good acid, and 
 fpirits of wine will do for rum or brandy. 
 
 As the foldiers are apt to be ex- 
 tremely troublefome to the furgeon of 
 a regiment, and your mate may be ig- 
 norant, or too much of a gentleman, 
 take a private man out of the ranks, 
 and inftrud: him to ad: as your deputy. 
 The principal part of his bufinefs will 
 be to bleed, and drefs fore backs ; — 
 as foon as he is expert in thefe, you 
 may teach him to draw teeth ; which 
 
 is 
 
[ S9 ] 
 
 is foon acquired — but then he mull 
 take care, in performing this opera- 
 tion, to give the men a confounded 
 pull ; — in order to fhew them, that he 
 is not a common tooth-drawer. 
 
 You may afterwards teach him the 
 method of making up your prefcrip- 
 tions. If he fliould miftake arfenic 
 for cream of tartar, it is not your fault, 
 and it is a hundred to one it will never 
 be found out ; and fliould he in bleed- 
 ing divide an artery, or lame a foldier, 
 it is an accident, you know, that might 
 have happened to the firft furgeon in 
 England. 
 
 If a patient feems likely to coft you 
 fome trouble or medicine, report him 
 incurable, and perfuade the colonel or 
 commanding officer to difcharge him. 
 
 Whenever you are ignorant of a fol- 
 
 dier's complaint, you fliould firfl: take 
 
 a little blood from him, and then give 
 
 H 2 him 
 
[ 6o ] 
 
 him an emetic and a cathartic — to 
 which you may add a blifter. This will 
 ferve, at leaft, to diminifh the number 
 of your patients.'" 
 
 Keep two lancets ; a blunt one for 
 the foldiers, and a fharp one for the 
 officers : this will be making a proper 
 diftindion between them. 
 
 If it is the cuftom of your regiment 
 for the foldiers to be cured of the vene- 
 real difeafe gratis, give yourfelf but 
 little concern about them, and be fure 
 to treat them as roughly as poffible. 
 Tendernefs towards patients of that 
 kind, is only an encouragement of 
 vice ; and if you make a perfedl and 
 fpeedy cure, they will foon forget the 
 inconveniences of the diforder: where- 
 as if they carry fome mementos about 
 them, it will make them thenceforward 
 the more cautious. If you are paid for 
 it, you may obferve nearly the fame 
 condud towards them ; for experience 
 
 fhews, 
 
[ 6i ] 
 
 fhews, that cure them as often as you 
 will, they foon contradl it again ; fo it 
 is only fo much labour and medicine 
 thrown away. Befides, as the ladies 
 of the camp or garrifon are pretty 
 much in common, thefe men may, by 
 circulating the diforder, procure you 
 fome pradice among the officers." 
 
 Order your deputy carefully to pre- 
 ferve all the poultices ufed in the hof- 
 pital. They may go in part of his 
 wages ; and he will be fure to find a 
 purchafer among the futlers in camp, 
 or the poulterers in town. In this, 
 however, you may meet with fome op- 
 pofition ; for it may be confidered by 
 the nurfe as a part of her perquifites. 
 
 If any of the foldiers' wives or chil- 
 dren happen to be taken ill, never give 
 them any affiftance. You receive no 
 pence from them, and you know ex ni- 
 hilo nihil fit. Excufe yourfelf by fay- 
 ing, which you probably may with 
 
 much 
 
[ 62 ] 
 
 much truth, that you have not medi- 
 cines enough for the foldiers. 
 
 When the flux or any putrid diforder 
 reigns in the camp or garrifon, be fure 
 to procure wine for the ufe of your hof- 
 pital. But confider, altho' it is a great 
 anti-feptic, it is alfo inflammatory ; and 
 therefore to be given fparingly to your 
 patients. The remainder may ferve to 
 treat your brother furgeons and mates 
 with ; and indeed will be necefTary to 
 prevent your taking any infectious dif- 
 order. 
 
 Inoculation affords a pretty com- 
 fortable douceur to gentlemen of your 
 profefTion, a guinea per head being al- 
 lowed by Government for that opera- 
 tion. But as it is only to be performed 
 with the foldier's confent, you fliould 
 recoiled:, that the common people are 
 commonly blind to their own intereft, 
 and therefore perfuade as many as you 
 can to agree to what is fo much for 
 
 their 
 
[ 63 ] 
 
 their advantage. If you fhould by 
 miftake inoculate a foldier that has al- 
 ready had the infeftion, it will not be 
 attended with any ill confequences ; and 
 if you fhould perform the operation on 
 one who is fickening with the diftem- 
 per, it will not in the leaft add to its 
 malignity. 
 
 When a foldier receives a wound in 
 a leg or an arm, immediately fix the 
 tourniquet, though there may be the 
 faireft profped of preferving the limb. 
 This will fave you a world of trouble, 
 and your patient a vaft deal of pain. 
 You will befides do him a moft effen- 
 tial benefit, in fending him to enjoy the 
 repofe of Chelfea hofpital, infl:ead of 
 being dragged from one place to an- 
 other, at the perpetual rifk of having 
 his brains knocked out : partial evil is 
 univerfal good ; and the facrifice of a 
 limb may eventually be the preferva- 
 tion of all the reft of his carcafe. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 64 ] 
 
 CHAP. IX. 
 
 "To the Chaplain. 
 
 THE chaplain is a charafter of 
 no fmall importance in a regi- 
 ment, though many gentlemen of the 
 army think otherwife. Yet if you are 
 not more fuccefsful in the cure of the 
 foul, than the furgeon is in that of the 
 body, 1 muft confefs your 6s. 8d. a 
 day would be a judicious faving. You 
 have fuch hardened finners to deal 
 with, that your office is rather an un- 
 gracious one ; but though the officers 
 and foldiers are in general irreclaim- 
 able, the women of the regiment may 
 perhaps be worked on with better 
 effeft. 
 
 If you are ambitious of being 
 thought a good preacher by your fear- 
 let flock, you muft take care that your 
 
 fer- 
 
[ 65 ] 
 
 fermons be very fhort. That is the 
 firft excellence in the idea of a foldier. 
 
 Never preach any pradical morality 
 to the regiment. That would be only 
 throwing away your time. To a man 
 they all know, as well as you do, that 
 they ought not to get drunk or com- 
 mit adultery : but preach to them on 
 the Trinity, the attributes of the 
 Deity, and other myftical and ab- 
 ftrufe fubjeds, which they may never 
 before have thought or heard of. This 
 will give them a high idea of your 
 learning: befides, your life might other- 
 wife, give the lie to your preaching. 
 
 You may indulge yourfelf in fwear- 
 ing, and talking bawdy as much as 
 you pleafe ; this will fhew you are not 
 a ftiff high prieft. Moreover, exam- 
 ple being more efFecflual than precept, 
 it will point out to the young officers 
 the ugly and ungentlemanly appear- 
 ance of the practice, and thereby de- 
 I ter 
 
[ 66 ] 
 
 ter them ; juft as the antients ufed to 
 make their flaves get drunk, in order 
 to render that vice odious to their 
 children. 
 
 Remember that it is your duty, in 
 common with the adjutant, to report 
 all the little fcandal of the regiment 
 to the commanding officer ; whofe 
 favour you ihould omit no means to 
 court and procure. This will fet you 
 above the malicious jokes of the young 
 fubalterns. 
 
 If any one offends you by rivalling 
 you in your amours, or debauching 
 your girl, call him out to give you 
 the fatisfadion of a gentleman :" for 
 though the chriftian religion and the 
 articles of war both forbid duelling; 
 yet thefe reftraints are not regarded by 
 men of fpirit. 
 
 If you underftand any Greek or 
 Latin, take every occafion of intro- 
 ducing 
 
[ 67 ] 
 
 ducing fentences of them, tho' they 
 be as little to the purpofe and as unin- 
 telligible as thofe of Partridge or 
 Lingo : and if you fhould confound 
 the lines of the iEneid with thofe of 
 Propria qua maribus, it will not hurt 
 your character for learning in the eyes 
 of the officers : for it is ten to one 
 that none of them underftand a word 
 about the matter. 
 
 As the articles of war are fo very 
 careful in protecting you from injury, 
 you may prefume a little upon it, in 
 order to fupport the dignity of the 
 clerical charader: and if any of the 
 officers fhould give you juft caufe of 
 offence, as by laughing at you in your 
 cups, or beating your dog, complain 
 of the giddinefs of youth, and of the 
 little refped: fliewn to religion in thefe 
 licentious times. 
 
 If you are not already expert at it, 
 
 it will be highly proper for you to 
 
 I 2 learn 
 
[ 68 ] 
 
 learn to carve. This accompliniment 
 has been from time immemorial a ne- 
 cefTary appendage to the priefthood. 
 Thus in former ages thepriefts ufed to 
 cut up the lambs, goats, and other 
 animals, that were facrificed to the 
 Deity upon the altar: but modern re- 
 finement has improved upon the prac- 
 tice, and now the churchmen are 
 unanimoufly of opinion, that the Deity 
 is equally gratified with the favoury 
 fumes of good roaft and boiled. 
 
 At the mefs always keep two plates ; 
 one for immediate ufe, and the other 
 to fecure a flice of pye, pudding, or 
 other choice bit, that might vanifh 
 whilft you were eating what you had 
 before you. This will be a very ne- 
 ceflary precaution, if you have many 
 young fubalterns in the mefs ; among 
 whom thofe articles, like many other 
 good things of this world, are ex- 
 tremely tranfitory. 
 
 Should 
 
[ 69 ] 
 
 Should you want to provide your- 
 felf with a deputy, be not over fcru- 
 pulous refpeding his charadter or 
 morals. It would be a pity that he 
 fhould be well difpofed ; for he would 
 be fure foon to get fpoiled among the 
 officers. It is not neceflary even that 
 he {hould underftand Englifh : for, as 
 they never liften to his harangues, 
 any other language, or compound of 
 languages, whether Cambrian, Erfe, 
 French, or Irilh, will juft anfwer the 
 fame purpofe. 
 
 When any old campaigners bore the 
 mefs with their long ftories of marches 
 or battles, be fure to retort upon them 
 with a hiftory of your exploits at col- 
 lege, — of the defperate combats you 
 have had with the raffs, the fweating 
 you were obliged to go through in 
 the pig-market, and your hair-breadth 
 efcapes from the prodor's clutches — 
 and though you may never have been 
 at college at all, yet you muft not fail 
 
 to 
 
[ 70 ] 
 
 to make people believe, that you have 
 taken a mafter's degree at leaft, in 
 one of the univerfities. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 71 J 
 
 CHAP. X. 
 
 To the Paymajler. 
 
 YOUR's is as fnug an office as 
 any; particularly when the regi- 
 ment is upon foreign fervice ; but if 
 you have give fecurity, or have a 
 commiffion to anfwer for your mifcar- 
 riages, you muft take care to go on 
 fair and foftly. 
 
 Make your accounts as intricate as 
 you can, and, if poffible, unintelligible 
 to every one but yourfelf; left, in 
 cafe you fhould be taken prifoner, your 
 papers might give information to the 
 enemy. 
 
 Always grumble and make difficul- 
 ties, when officers go to you for money 
 that is due to them ; when you are 
 obliged to pay them, endeavour to 
 
 make 
 
[ 7^ ] 
 
 make it appear granting them a favour, 
 and tell them they are lucky dogs to 
 get it. I dare fay, they would be of 
 the fame way of thinking, if you had 
 it in your power to withhold it. 
 
 Be careful to keep up a right un- 
 derftanding with the agent ; and be 
 mindful of the old faying, When * * * 
 fall out &c. 
 
 You muft alfo keep upon good 
 terms with the commanding officer ; 
 which will be no difficult matter, if 
 he is extravagant and needy. Juft 
 before mufter-day get leave, or take 
 it, to be abfent from the regiment, 
 and pretend that it is upon the bufi- 
 nefs of your office, as to receive mo- 
 ney, get cafh for bills, fettle with 
 the agent, &c. The longer you ftay 
 away the better, and the more to 
 your credit : for fliewing people that 
 they cannot do without you, will give 
 them a high idea of your importance ; 
 
 and 
 
[ 73 ] 
 
 you will be fure of a hearty welcome 
 on your return. 
 
 Always clofe vour accounts with er- 
 rors excepted; and, as you give people 
 this caution, it is but fair that the 
 miftakes fhould be all in your own 
 favour. 
 
 I know not whence they call your 
 monthly pay-rolls abJiraSIs ; unlefs it 
 be confidering them as abftrafted from 
 all found arithmetick, and juft cal- 
 culation. 
 
 When you pay any allowance to the 
 officers and foldiers beyond the ufual 
 fubfiftence, be fure to dedud; fix-pence 
 in the pound for your friend the agent ; 
 who certainly deferves that perquifite, 
 for his great trouble and rilk in taking 
 care of the money for you fo long : ef- 
 pecially, as you may fwear he has not 
 put it out to intereft. 
 
 K CHAP. 
 
I 74 1 
 
 CHAP. XI. 
 
 'To Toung Officers. 
 
 THOSE who are unacquainted 
 with the fervice may perhaps 
 imagine, that this chapter is addrefled 
 to the fubalterns only — but a little 
 knowledge of the prefent ftate of the 
 Britifh forces will foon convince them, 
 that it comprehends not only the greateft 
 part of the captains, but alfo many of 
 the field officers, of the army. 
 
 The firft article we fhall confider is 
 your drefs ; a tafte in which is the 
 moft diftinguifhing mark of a military 
 genius, and the principal charaderif- 
 tic of a good officer. 
 
 Ever fince the days of Antient Pif- 
 tol, we find, that a large and broad- 
 rimmed beaver has been peculiar to 
 
 heroes. 
 
[ 75 ] 
 
 heroes. A hat of this kind worn over 
 your right eye, with two large dang- 
 ling taflels, and a proportionate cock- 
 ade and feather, will give you an air of 
 courage and martial gallantry. 
 
 The fafhion of your clothes muft 
 depend on that ordered in the corps ; 
 that is to fay, muft be in dired oppo- 
 fition to it : for it would fhew a de- 
 plorable poverty of genius, if you had 
 not fome ideas of your own in drefs. 
 
 Your crofs belt fhould be broad, 
 with a huge blade pendent to it — to 
 which you may add a dirk and a bay- 
 onet, in order to give you the more 
 tremendous appearance. 
 
 Thus equipped you fally forth, with 
 your colours, or chitterlin, advanced 
 and flying ; and I think it will be beft 
 in walking through the ftreets, parti- 
 cularly if they are narrow, to carry 
 your fword in your right hand. For 
 K 2 befides 
 
[ 76 ] 
 
 befides its having a handfome and mi- 
 litary appearance, the pommel of the 
 fword will ferve to open you a free 
 paflage, by fhoving it in the guts of 
 every one who does not give way. He 
 muft be a bold man who will venture 
 to oppofe you ; as by your drefs he 
 cannot in reafon exped: the leaf! quar- 
 ter. We are told that the Janifiaries 
 never wear their fwords but upon duty ; 
 a praftice more becoming Turks than 
 Chriftians. 
 
 When you vifit your friends either 
 in town or country, or make an ex- 
 curfion to any other place where your 
 regiment is not known, immediately 
 mount two epaulettes, and pafs yourfelf 
 for a grenadier officer. 
 
 Never wear your uniform in quar- 
 ters, when you can avoid it. A green 
 or a brown coat fhews you have other 
 clothes befide your regimentals, and 
 likewife that you have courage to dif- 
 
 obey 
 
[ 77 ] 
 
 obey a ftanding order. If you have 
 not an entire fuit, at leaft mount a pair 
 of black breeches, a round hat, or 
 fomething unregimental andunmilitary. 
 
 If you belong to a mefs, eat with 
 it as feldom as poffible, to let folks 
 fee you want neither money nor credit. 
 And when you do, in order to fhew 
 that you are ufed to good living, find 
 fault with every difli that is fet on the 
 table, damn the wine, and throw the 
 plates at the mefs-man's head. 
 
 If the dinner is not ferved up im- 
 mediately on your fitting down, draw 
 circles with your fork on the table ; cut 
 the table-cloth ; and, if you have pewter 
 plates, fpin them on the point of your 
 fork, or do fome other mifchief, to 
 punifh the fellow for making you wait. 
 
 On coming into the regiment, per- 
 haps the major or adjutant will advife 
 you to learn the manual, the falute, or 
 
 other 
 
[ 78 ] 
 
 other parts of the exercife ; to which 
 you may anfwer, that you do not want 
 to be drill-ferjeant or corporal — or that 
 you purchafed your commiffion, and 
 di4 not come into the army to be made 
 a machine of. 
 
 It will alfo be perfectly needlefs for 
 you to confult any treatife of military 
 difcipline, or the regulations for the 
 army. Dry books of tadics are be- 
 neath the notice of a man of genius, 
 and it is a known faft, that every Bri- 
 tifh officer is infpired with a perfed: 
 knowledge of his duty, the moment he 
 gets his commiffion ; and if he were 
 not, it would be fufficiently acquired 
 in converfaziones at the main-guard or 
 the grand futler's. Thus a general of- 
 ficer, who had never before feen a 
 day's fervice beyond the limits of Black- 
 heath or Wimbledon-common, being 
 ordered abroad, lands in America or 
 Germany a faSlus imperator, though 
 by very different means from thofe of 
 
 Lucul- 
 
[ 79 ] 
 
 Lucullus. If you have a turn for read- 
 ing, or find it neceflary to kill in that 
 manner the tedious hours in camp or 
 garrifon, let it be fuch books as warm 
 the imagination and infpire to military 
 atchievements, as. The Woman of Plea- 
 Jure, Crazy Tales, Rochejier's Poems ; 
 if you aim at folid inftruftion and ufe- 
 ful knowledge, you muft ftudy Lord 
 Chejierfield's Letters, or Trujler's Po- 
 litenejs ; if you have a turn for natural 
 philofophy, you may perufe AriftotWs 
 Majter-piece ; and the Trials for Adul- 
 tery will afford you a fund of hiftorical 
 and legal information. 
 
 If there fhould be a foberly difpofed 
 perfon, or, in other words, a fellow 
 of no fpirit, in the corps, you mufl 
 not only bore him conftantly at the 
 mefs, but fhould make ufe of a kind 
 of praftical wit to torment him. Thus 
 you may force open his doors, break 
 his windows, damage his furniture, 
 and put wh — s in his bed ; or in camp 
 
 throw 
 
[ 8o ] 
 
 throw fquibs and crackers into his tent 
 at night, or loofen his tent-cords in 
 windy weather. Young gentlemen 
 will never be at a lofs for contrivances 
 of this nature. 
 
 Be fure alfo to ftigmatize every of- 
 ficer, who is attentive to his duty, with 
 the appellation of Martinet ; and fay 
 he has been bitten by a mad adjutant. 
 This will difcourage others from know- 
 ing more than yourfelf, and thereby 
 keep you upon an equality with them. 
 
 When ordered for duty, always 
 grumble and queftion the rofter. This 
 will procure you the character of one 
 that will not be impofed on. At a 
 field day, be fure not to fall in before 
 the regiment is told off and proved ; 
 and then come upon the parade, but- 
 toning your gaiters, or putting on fome 
 part of your drefs. Obferve the fame 
 when for guard: — making 20 or 30 
 men wait, fhews you are fomebody. 
 
 When- 
 
[ 81 ] 
 
 Whenever you mount guard, in- 
 vite all your friends to the guard- 
 room ; and not only get drunk your- 
 felf, but make your company drunk 
 alfo ; and then fing, and make as 
 much noife as poffible. This will 
 fhew the world the difference be- 
 tween an officer and a private man ; 
 fince the latter would be flayed alive 
 for the leaft irregularity upon duty. 
 
 Though it may, on fome occafions, 
 be proper and becoming a military 
 man, to be watchful and fit up all 
 night, as in drinking, gaming, at a 
 mafquerade, &c. yet it would be an 
 intolerable bore on guard ; and, if 
 near an enemy, and liable to be at- 
 tacked, would argue a degree of ap- 
 prehenfion that a good fdldier ftiould 
 be afhamed of. 
 
 When a guard mounts with co- 
 lours, they will make a handfome 
 covering for the card-table at night, 
 L and 
 
[ 82 ] 
 
 and will prevent it from being ftained 
 or foiled. 
 
 When you mount the quarter- 
 guard in camp, as foon as the men 
 have grounded their arms, put off 
 your fafli and gorget, and immedi- 
 ately go to your tent, or to the grand 
 fu tier's in the rear. The ferjeant 
 can take charge of the men in your 
 abfence ; and Ihould any general of- 
 ficers happen to come by, you will 
 have an opportunity to fhew your 
 activity, in running acrofs the parade 
 to turn out the guard. 
 
 Never read the daily orders. It is 
 beneath an officer of fpirit to beftow 
 any attention upon fuch nonfenfe ; 
 and the information you can get from 
 them will not repay you for the 
 trouble you are at, in decyphering 
 them and reducing them into Englifh. 
 It will be fufficient to afk the ferjeant, 
 if you are for any duty. 
 
 Be 
 
[ 83 ] 
 
 Be a conftant attendant at the ge- 
 neral officer's levees. If you get no- 
 thing elfe by it, you may at leafl: learn 
 how to fcrape and bow, to fimper and 
 to difplay a handfome fet of teeth, by 
 watching clofely the condud: of the 
 aid-de-camps. 
 
 At exercife you muft be continu- 
 ally thrufting out your fpontoon, 
 ordering the men to drefs, and 
 making as much noife as poffible ; 
 in order to ftiew your attention to 
 your duty. 
 
 When at a field day or review, you 
 have taken poft in the rear for the 
 manual exercife to be performed, 
 you have a fine opportunity of di- 
 verting yourfelves and the fpedlators. 
 You ftand very conveniently for 
 playing at leap-frog, or may pelt one 
 another with ftones ; or, if there 
 Ibould be fnow on the ground, with 
 fnow-balls. This will be a very 
 L 1 harmlefs 
 
[ 84 ] 
 
 harmlefs relaxation, as you have no- 
 thing elfe to do, and befides the di- 
 verfion it will afford among your- 
 felves, will contribute vaftly to amufe 
 the foldiers and to prevent them from 
 puzzling their brains too much with 
 the bufinefs they are about. 
 
 If you are in the right wing du- 
 ring the firings, you muft always 
 keep a pace or two in front, till you 
 order the men to fire ; when it will 
 be expedient for you to ftep into the 
 rear, to prevent your face from being 
 fcorched with the powder ; or you 
 may order two or three file on the 
 right of your platoon to do only the 
 motions of firing; which, if it dimin- 
 ifhes the fire of the battalion, will 
 at leaft fave his Majefty's ammuni- 
 tion. 
 
 Evening roll-calling, which drags 
 one from the bottle, is a moft unmi- 
 litary cuftom : for drinking is as ef- 
 
 fential 
 
[ 85 ] 
 
 fential a part of an officer's duty as 
 fighting. Thus Alexander prided 
 himfelf more on being able to take 
 off half a dozen bottles at a fitting, 
 than on all his viftories over the army 
 of Darius. If the colonel then fhould 
 infifl: on the attendance of the officers, 
 they fliould not fail to get a little 
 mellow firft, to ftiew the world that 
 they are no milk-fops ; but if any 
 of the foldiers fhould prefume to 
 imitate their example, they mufl; be 
 confined and brought to a court- 
 martial ; for what is commendable in 
 an officer may be in the higheft de- 
 gree reprehenfible in a private man ; 
 and, as the dramatic poet obferves. 
 
 That in the captain 's but a hajiy word. 
 Which in the foldier is rank hlafphemy. 
 
 When you are ordered to vifit 
 the barracks, I would recommend it 
 to you to confine your infpedlion to 
 the outfide walls : for what can be 
 
 more 
 
[ 86 ] 
 
 more unreafonable than to expedl, 
 that you fhould enter the foldiers' 
 dirty rooms, and contaminate your- 
 felf with tafting their mefles ? As 
 you are not ufed to eat fait pork or 
 ammunition bread, it is impoffible for 
 you to judge whether they are good 
 or not. Ad in the fame manner, 
 when ordered to vifit the hofpital. 
 It is none of your bufinefs to nurfe 
 and attend the fick. Befides, who 
 knows but you might catch fome 
 infectious diftemper? And it would 
 be better that fifty foldiers fhould 
 perifh through negled or bad treat- 
 ment than that the king fhould lofe 
 a good officer. 
 
 Always ufe the mofi: opprobrious 
 epithets in reprimanding the foldiers, 
 particularly men of good charafter : 
 for thefe men it will not in the leafi; 
 hurt, as they will be confcious, that 
 they do not deferve them. 
 
 When 
 
[ 87 ] 
 
 When on leave of abfence, never 
 come back to your time ; as that 
 might caufe people to think, that you 
 had no where to ftay, or that your 
 friends were tired of you. 
 
 Make trenches round your mar- 
 quis in camp, to carry off the water, 
 and to prevent the ftray-horfes from 
 coming near enough to tread upon 
 your tent-cords. The larger and 
 deeper they are, the better ; that 
 fuch as ftumble into them in the 
 night may break their legs, which 
 will be a ufeful warning to the other 
 horfes. 
 
 If ever you have been abroad, 
 though but to deliver drafts at Emb- 
 den or Williamftadt, give yourfelf 
 the airs of an experienced veteran ; 
 and in particular find fault with all 
 parades, field days, and reviews, as 
 of no confequence on real fervice. 
 In regard to all thefe, fay, you hate 
 to h&playing atjoldiers. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 88 ] 
 
 CHAP. XII. 
 
 To the Serjeant-Major. 
 
 YOU fhould make all the inferior 
 non-commiffion officers and 
 foldiers call you, Major ; and when 
 abfent from the corps, if you are in 
 one where the ferjeant-major wears 
 a laced coat and an epaulette, you 
 may pafs yourfelf for the major of 
 the regiment — unlefs you fhould be 
 afhamed of the charafter. This fame 
 liberty may perhaps be aflumed by 
 the drum-major ; but it is your 
 bufinefs to prevent that rattler of 
 parchment from taking too much 
 upon him. 
 
 As you pafs along the front of the 
 regiment, when telling ofF the divi- 
 fions from right to left, be fure to 
 lay your rattan pretty fmartly upon 
 
 thofe 
 
[ 89 ] 
 
 thofe you name right, left or cen- 
 tre file; which will imprefs it to 
 their memory ; as well as upon their 
 fhoulders. 
 
 In the detail for duty warn at leaft 
 one or two men per company more 
 than the number required, leaft any 
 of the latter fliould be taken ill, or 
 ftiould come to the parade drunk or 
 ill dreffed ; and if any of the fuper- 
 numeraries are your friends, or make 
 it worth your while, you may let 
 their appearance be reckoned for a 
 guard. What happy times were 
 thofe, when the adjutant and fer- 
 jeant-major have been known to 
 fnack five or fix fhilllngs a day, by 
 thus burning the parade ! 
 
 In camp always give out the or- 
 ders at fome public houfe, or booth 
 in the rear, at which you may oblige 
 the orderly ferjeants to fpend their 
 twopence each, for the benefit of the 
 M landlord : 
 
[ 90 ] 
 
 landlord : this in the morning will 
 go farther towards making them 
 drunk, than twice that fum in the 
 afternoon ; and may therefore be at 
 leaft confidered as a piece of oeconomy. 
 
 When a deferter is to be efcorted 
 by a party of your regiment, fee if 
 he does not want a fhirt, a pair of 
 fhoes or ftockings. If he does, you 
 may venture to fupply him with them 
 at your own price, and charge them 
 on the back of the route. If they 
 are not the beft of the kind, it is not 
 very material ; as the corporal of 
 that, or the next party, will make 
 the prifoner fell or pawn them on 
 the road ; and the lefs they fetch, 
 the lefs the party will have to ex- 
 pend in liquor. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ 91 ] 
 
 CHAP. XIII. 
 
 To the ^arter-MaJier Serjeant. 
 
 YOU rauft not fufFer the quarter- 
 mafter to engrofs all the emolu- 
 ments of office to himfelf, but muft 
 take care to fecure the fmall tithes, 
 whilft you leave the larger to your 
 fuperior. For as you fliare, like a 
 faithful fquire, all the fatigues and 
 dangers of the field, it is but reafon- 
 able that you fhould come in for 
 your portion in the plunder; and, 
 you know, diftributive juftice is ob- 
 ferved even among thieves. 
 
 Remember this maxim ; that every 
 thing may be converted to profit. 
 This was fully exemplified by one of 
 your calling, who being entrufted 
 with the delivery of candles, ufed to 
 dip them in hot water, in order to 
 M 2 wafh 
 
[ 9^ ] 
 
 wafh them clean ; whereby he paid 
 himfelf for his trouble, by fweating 
 off a confiderable quantity of the 
 tallow, which he fold to the chandler. 
 
 Thread, cartridge paper, and ball 
 afford variety of good perquifites, 
 and find a ready market. 
 
 In making up blank cartridges for 
 reviews and field-days, do not fill 
 them too full, as they might ftick in 
 going down the barrel of the piece, 
 and fo retard the firing. Befides, 
 too much powder might caufe it to 
 burft, and thereby kill or maim the 
 Lord knows how many men. And it is 
 furely much better that you fhould 
 fell a little powder to the grocer, or 
 to the boys who wifli to Ihew their 
 loyalty on his Majefty's birth-night, 
 than to have it burned in wafte, or 
 perhaps to do mifchief to one's friends. 
 
 As you are undertaker-general to 
 the regiment, take particular care, 
 
 when 
 
[ 93 ] 
 
 when a foldier dies, to fee the exter- 
 nal offices of his funeral performed 
 with decency. If any young furgeon 
 ftiould want a body for anatomical 
 purpofes, you may fafely anfwer it 
 to your confcience to furnifli him. 
 To be cut up and quartered is the 
 leaft a man can expedt, who enlifts 
 into the army ; and, after he is dead, 
 it is ten to one, he will know no- 
 thing of the matter. It will lighten 
 the burthen of the fupporters, who 
 have fatigue enough without that 
 of carrying dead bodies ; and whe- 
 ther you bury a corpfe or an empty 
 coffin, it is the fame thing to the re- 
 giment, and to the parfon — provid- 
 ed the latter has his fee. 
 
 In camp the rear affiards your fu- 
 perior, the quarter-mafter, a plenti- 
 ful harveft ; and, doubtlefs, it is but 
 juft, that you fliould come in for the 
 gleanings. Six-pence kept back from 
 every half-crown paid him by the 
 
 petty 
 
[ 94 ] 
 
 petty futlers, is furely flo unreafon- 
 able deduftion ; and an odd fix- 
 pence and a dram, now and then, to 
 overlook irregularities, of particular 
 huts, are no more than you may 
 take without fcruple. 
 
 As you are commandant of the 
 pioneers, you may fafely let two- 
 thirds of them go to work for the 
 neighbouring farmers, and take half 
 their earnings. Should they be fuch 
 ungrateful dogs as to grumble or 
 complain, you may eafily find jobs 
 enough for them in camp, or per- 
 haps contrive to get them a good 
 flogging. 
 
 When your regiment is on the 
 march, and you are fent to require 
 the confl:able to prefs waggons, be 
 fure to charge for a warrant. If you 
 have none, it is no matter ; for you 
 know you might have had one. And 
 if you fliould allow the waggoners 
 
 to 
 
[ 95 ] 
 to reckon a mile or two more than 
 the real diftance, or, on weighing 
 the baggage, permit them to charge 
 a hundred or two more than the 
 real weight, the fhare you may get 
 of the money will be but the juft 
 perquifites of your office. 
 
 In loading the baggage you have 
 an opportunity of obliging the ladies 
 of the regiment : but remember ne- 
 ver to let an ugly woman ride in a 
 convenient or elevated ftation, as fhe 
 might difgrace the corps. 
 
 When you arrive at the place the 
 regiment refts at for the night, be 
 fure to require more billets than you 
 have efFedtives in the divifion ; and, 
 if the conftable trufts you with them, 
 fecure two or three of the fnuggeft 
 houfes for yourfelf, your friend the 
 ferjeant-major, and other particular 
 favourites. The overplus you may 
 convert into fhillings and half- 
 crowns, 
 
[ 9^ ] 
 without any fkill in alchy- 
 
 m\ 
 
 Should the conftable be fufpicious, 
 and infift upon feeing the men billet- 
 ed off, tell him that you have a good 
 many behind with the baggage, or 
 fick men, the time of whofe arrival 
 will be uncertain ; and fhould he 
 after this perfift in his obftinacy, 
 take care that fome of the guard 
 knock him up twice or thrice in the 
 dead of the night, to demand billets, 
 as if juft arrived. This will foon 
 ficken him; and if you do not im- 
 mediately benefit by it, fome of your 
 fucceeding brethren may. 
 
 In delivering out the fmall mount- 
 ing, at the annual clothing, it is very 
 hard if you cannot get an odd fhirt, 
 or two or three pair of fhoes and 
 ftockings. It is but robbing the 
 colonel, who makes no fcruple of' 
 robbing the whole regiment. 
 
 When 
 
[ 97 ] 
 
 When in camp, you will receive 
 pick-axes, ftiovels, rakes, fpades, and 
 other tools from the artillery. Thefe 
 you may let out at fo much per 
 week to the labouring men in the 
 neighbourhood; and fhould they be 
 damaged or broken, you can pro- 
 duce ^ evidence, that it was done in 
 working. 
 
 N CHAP. 
 
[ 98 ] 
 
 CHAP. XIV. 
 T'o the Serjeant. 
 
 AS by your appointment to the 
 halbert, you are probably at 
 the fummit of your preferment (un- 
 lefs you have a pretty wife, fifter, or 
 daughter) you may now begin to 
 take a little eafe, and relax from 
 that rigid difcipline you obferved, 
 when corporal. 
 
 Into whatever company you are 
 admitted, you muft be careful to 
 imprefs every one with an idea of 
 your own confequence, and to make 
 people believe, that the ferjeants are 
 
 the 
 
[ 99 ] 
 
 the only ufeful and intelligent men 
 in the corps. 
 
 You are not only to entertain a 
 hearty contempt for your officers, 
 but you mufl alfo take care to com- 
 municate it to the foldiers. The 
 more you appear to defpife your fu- 
 periors, the greater refped, you 
 know, your inferiors will profefs for 
 you. You will eafily contrive to 
 humbug the young fubalterns, and 
 make them do juft what you pleafe 
 in the company : but remember, that 
 you are to affume the merit of their 
 good-natured actions to yourfelf, and 
 to impute all the others to their own 
 impulfe. 
 
 When an officer calls you out of 
 the ranks, run up to him with your 
 halbert recovered, and run your 
 fingers in his eyes, and tread upon 
 his toes. This he will attribute to 
 N 2 your 
 
[ loo ] 
 your great alacrity in obeying his 
 orders, mixed with a modeft confu- 
 fion in addrefling yourfelf to a man 
 of his importance ; and you may af- 
 terwards tell it as a good joke among 
 your brother ferjeants. 
 
 Confine the foldiers as often as 
 poffible. This will afford you an op- 
 portunity of obliging them, or their 
 wives, by getting them off again : 
 and if your officer refufps to releafe 
 them at your requeft, you may eafi- 
 ly find means to bring them off at a 
 court-marfhal, by foftening or fup- 
 preffing the evidence. Whenever 
 you appear againft a foldier, be fure 
 to give him a great charadter, if 
 called upon, in order to fhew your 
 impartiality. 
 
 When you command a guard, as 
 foon as you have mounted, go to the 
 next alehoufe, and take poft by the 
 
 window, 
 
[ loi ] 
 
 window, in order to fee that none 
 of the foldiers quit their guard. 
 
 When you attend a general officer 
 as orderly ferjeant, you muft ftick 
 clofe to him, wherever he goes, and 
 walk with your halbert charged, 
 the point towards the general ; that 
 in cafe he flops or turns fuddenly, 
 he may feel that you are near 
 him and attentive to receive his 
 orders. 
 
 When you are ordered to make 
 cartridges, moiften the paper a lit- 
 tle. This will make them roll up 
 the neater, and you will get the 
 more credit from the quarter-mafter 
 for your workmanfhip. If, when 
 they come to be ufed, they Ihould 
 be found unferviceable, it will be 
 fuppofed, that they got damage in 
 the quarter-mafter's ftore. 
 
 Should 
 
[ I02 ] 
 
 Should you be reprimanded by 
 your officers for being intoxicated, 
 and having negleded your duty, tell 
 them, that fome ferjeants of other 
 regiments, old acquaintances of yours, 
 with whom you had formerly ferved, 
 had come to pay you a vifit, and 
 that you were obliged to enter- 
 tain them, as they do their bro- 
 ther officers, for the honour of the 
 corps. 
 
 Whenever you mount guard in 
 garrifon or quarters, be fure to leave 
 it upon record on the wainfcotting 
 or ceiling of the guard-room. This 
 praftice, befides the ornament it 
 will affiDtd the room, will form a 
 feries of ufeful and authentic hiftori- 
 cal tables for the regiments that fuc- 
 ceed you. 
 
 If you have a knack at recruiting, 
 and can get fent on that fervice with 
 
 an 
 
[ 103 ] 
 an extravagant young fubaltern, your 
 fortune is made ; that is, if you 
 mind what you are about ; as the 
 more he runs out, the more you 
 ought to get. You may quiet your 
 confcience, fhould it be troublefome, 
 by confidering, that if you did not 
 fleece him, fome one elfe would, and 
 that the money fo acquired is better 
 in your pocket, than in thofe of a 
 pack of whores and gamblers. Nor 
 need you fear any thing from his 
 future refentment in cafe of a dif- 
 covery ; as it is ten to one but the 
 confequences of fix months recruit- 
 ing will oblige him to fell out, and 
 quit the regiment for ever. 
 
 Whenever you beat up in a coun- 
 try town, though your officer fhould 
 be the youngeft enfign in the army 
 and the fon of a valet de chambre, 
 you mufl: not fail to dub him cap- 
 tain, and flile him his honour at 
 
 every 
 
[ I04 ] 
 
 every word. You may alfo give it 
 out, that he is heir to a very large 
 eftate in fome county between Corn- 
 wall and Berwick, but you forget 
 the name. This will give him im- 
 portance, and, what is more mate- 
 rial, credit ; and as to the untruth, 
 it is at worft a white lie ; and, be- 
 fides, if detraftion is a vice, its op- 
 pofite mufl be a virtue. 
 
 In enlifting men never mind 
 whether they are fit for the fer- 
 vice or not. If they cannot ferve, 
 they are the more likely to pay the 
 fmart. 
 
 But remember, that you are to fur- 
 nifh at leaft one, if not two or more 
 young recruits, for every man you in- 
 iift. This will be doing a benefit to 
 the parifh : for you give them in lieu 
 of the recruit you trepan one much 
 younger, who confequently muft be of 
 
 more 
 
[ loS ] 
 more value, as his country will enjoy 
 the advantage of his fervices the 
 longer. 
 
 In any difpute refpefting the inlift- 
 ing of a man, you may fafely give 
 your teflimony or oath for the fairnefs 
 of the tranfadlion, although you were 
 not prefent, nor faw any thing of the 
 matter. It is for the good of the 
 fervice. 
 
 As foon as a recruit has fpent all his 
 bounty money, which with your kind 
 afliftance, and that of the drummer 
 and party, he may do in a very fhort 
 time, endeavour to put him out of 
 conceit with the fervice, that he may 
 attempt to defert. This, if he is an 
 innocent country fellow, he will ma- 
 nage in fo awkward a manner, as to 
 enable you to retake him immediately. 
 Here is at once twenty fliillings dead, 
 over and above the regimental reward ; 
 and it will befides procure you the 
 O cha- 
 
[ io6 ] 
 
 charafter of a vigilant and alert officer. 
 Should he however efcape, bring in a 
 long account againft him for necefla- 
 ries and money advanced, though you 
 never furniflied him with a fingle ar- 
 ticle, or lent him a farthing. This you 
 may fafely do, as he will not be prefent 
 to contradift you, and fhould he be 
 afterwards taken, the word of a de- 
 ferter, guilty of perjury, cannot be put 
 in competition with your accounts. 
 
 If on fervice you detedl a foldier 
 marauding, be fure to feize upon the 
 plunder, whether pig, lamb, goofe, 
 or other poultry ; but as it may be the 
 lirft offence, and a reprimand may de- 
 ter him from the like practices in fu- 
 ture, you need not report him to the 
 commanding officer ; and if you eat 
 the ftolen goods, it is only to prevent 
 the fin of wafte. 
 
 When you have the rear-guard in 
 camp, you may take up your ftation 
 
 at 
 
[ I07 ] 
 
 at one of the huts, and leave the guard 
 to the corporal. It is no more than 
 what is done by the officer of the 
 quarter-guard ; and if the rounds 
 fhould by accident fall upon your 
 guard, whilft you are miffing, fay, 
 that you were juft gone to vifit your 
 fentinels, or to quell a riot. 
 
 In order to turn the penny, contrive, 
 when in camp, to let your wife keep 
 a hut in the rear, and fell ale and gin. 
 The ftanding orders only fay, you fliall 
 not do it, but do not prohibit her. 
 Here you may fettle with your men ; 
 and if they fpend the greateft part of 
 their pay in liquor, it is no more than 
 they would do elfewhere, and you may 
 as well have their money as another. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ io8 ] 
 
 CHAP. XV. 
 
 To the Corporal. 
 
 AS you are but one ftep below the 
 ferjeant, and often have the ho- 
 nour of reprefenting him, as launce- 
 ferjeant, you may juftly avail yourfelf 
 of many articles of the advice to that 
 officer. Some few particulars are folely 
 applicable to your appointment : rela- 
 tive to thefe I fhall give you a hint or 
 two. 
 
 It is your office to poft the fentinels, 
 and to fee that they are properly re- 
 lieved ; and a difagreeable office it is 
 in a dark, cold, and ftormy night. 
 You may therefore in bad weather fave 
 yourfelf that trouble, and fend the re- 
 lief by themfelves. This will be a 
 means of teaching them how to per- 
 form their duty, when corporals ; and 
 
 furely 
 
[ 109 ] 
 furely they muft be very unfit for fen- 
 tinels, if they cannot be trufted alone. 
 
 When commanding an efcort with 
 a deferter, I need not tell you, that 
 his ihirt, fhoes, and ftockings will pro- 
 duce a pot or two of beer, or a glafs 
 of gin. The prifoner is fure to get 
 supplied, when he comes to the regi- 
 ment, and it is but one flogging for 
 all. Perfuade him likewife to pretend 
 lamenefs ; you may then charge double 
 for carriage by a cart, horfe, or return 
 chaife, and drink the produce ; be- 
 fides faving your labour and fhoes. 
 
 When you efcort a man to the field 
 for punilhment, you may let him drink 
 as much liquor as he can procure. This 
 will in fome meafure deaden the pain, 
 and prevent him from difgracing him- 
 felf and the regiment, by becoming 
 what the drummers term a nightin- 
 gale. 
 
 On 
 
[ no ] 
 
 On the rear guard, when the fer- 
 jeant has left you (which he will infal- 
 libly do, foon after he has mounted) 
 you become commanding officer, and 
 have an opportunity of obliging the 
 foldiers. Permit, therefore, at leaft 
 one-half of them to go about their bu- 
 finefs till it is their turn to ftand fen- 
 tinel ; and, fhould they be miffed, fay 
 that they are juft gone into the rear, 
 or that one of them was taken in a fit, 
 and that the reft are gone with him to 
 his tent, or to the furgeon. 
 
 Make it a general rule to prevent all 
 diforders and crimes from coming to 
 the ears of the officers, as it would only 
 vex them, and make them uneafy. 
 Befides, the contrary would procure 
 you the hateful title of a tell-tale or 
 informer. 
 
 Teach the young recruits the proper 
 ufe of their arms, when off duty — as, 
 to make a horfe to hang their wet 
 
 cloaths 
 
[ III ] 
 
 cloaths upon with the firelocks — with 
 the bayonet to carry their ammunition 
 loaves, toaft cheefe and pork, and ftir 
 the fire : it might otherwife contrad: 
 ruft for want of ufe. 
 
 In order to get the charafter of a 
 fmart fellow at exercife, loofen the 
 pins on the ftock of your firelock, to 
 make the motions tell. If the piece 
 get damage by it, it is no great mat- 
 ter ; your captain, you know, pays 
 the piper ; and it is right that he fhould 
 pay to hear fuch martial mufic. 
 
 As it is the bufinefs of a good non- 
 commiffion-officer to be adlive in 
 taking up all deferters, when, on the 
 march, or at any other time, you ob- 
 ferve any ducks, geefe, or fowls, that 
 have efcaped the bounds of their con- 
 finement, immediately apprehend them, 
 and take them along with you, that 
 they may be tried for their offence at 
 a proper feafon. This will prevent 
 the foldiers from marauding. 
 
 When 
 
[ 11^ ] 
 
 When the regiment attends divine 
 fervice, fhould you be ordered to ftay 
 without to keep the foldiers to their 
 devotions, fee if there is not an ale- 
 houfe near at hand, that commands a 
 view of the church door, whence you 
 may moft conveniently watch their 
 motions. 
 
 Yours is a troublefome and fa- 
 tiguing office. You muft, however, 
 buftle through as well as you can, 
 doing your duty, when you cannot 
 help it ; and keeping up your fpirits 
 with good geneva, when it is to be 
 had, and with the hopes of arriving at 
 the eafe and dignity of the halbert. 
 
 CHAP 
 
[ 113 ] 
 
 CHAP. XVI. 
 To the Drum-Major. 
 
 YOU are firfl painter to the regi- 
 ment, and your principal duty 
 is, to inftrudt the young academicians 
 in the art. Your pencils indeed are 
 none of the fofteft ; and though you 
 do not aim at the grace of Raphael, 
 or the grandeur of Michael Angela, yet 
 you muft not yield to Titian in co- 
 louring. 
 
 You are alfo the Paris, if not the 
 
 Adonis of the regiment ; and every 
 
 judge of difcipline will eftimate the 
 
 goodnefs of the corps by the tafte and 
 
 fplendour of your trappings. 
 
 The title of Major is as applicable 
 to you, as to the Serjeant-major. You 
 fliould therefore infill on that appella- 
 tion from all your drummers ; and as 
 P you 
 
[ iH ] 
 
 you are, in all probability, the hand- 
 fomeft, the fineft and the youngeft 
 fellow of the two, you will be the 
 moft likely to pafs for the major of 
 the regiment. 
 
 It being your office to furnifh the 
 pencils for the young painters, vulgar- 
 ly called cat-o'-nine-tails, and as you 
 are paid by the delinquents for the ufe 
 of them ; you may, in imitation of 
 other contradors, put them off with 
 fecond-hand ones, which by a little 
 wafhing will be as clean as ever, and 
 will be much fofter to the back. If 
 this is not difcovered by the adjutant, 
 or he is good-natured enough to wink 
 at it, no harm is done ; your cuftomers 
 will have no reafon to complain : be- 
 fides, if they do, it is no more than 
 you are to exped; for do what you 
 will, one may venture to affirm, you 
 never fend any of them away well 
 pleafed. Indeed this contrad: for whip- 
 cord might be made a very beneficial 
 
 one. 
 
I 115 ] 
 
 one, was it not for that unfeeling dog, 
 the adjutant : as you could, if left to 
 yourfelf, accommodate a cuftomer, ac- 
 cording to any price he is willing to 
 give, from the ftifFeft cord to the half- 
 twifted packthread. 
 
 At a punifhment, do not fail to ex- 
 ercife your rattan on your drummers, 
 whether they favour the delinquent or 
 not. It will keep them up to their 
 duty ; and every one knows it is 
 better to prevent an offence, than to 
 punifh it : befides, it may fave your 
 own fhoulders from being rubbed over 
 by the adjutant's towel. 
 
 As you are poft-mafter-general to the 
 regiment, much is to be gained from 
 that department ; and that by the 
 fimpleft means — only by charging the 
 officers and men for letters they never 
 had, and double poftage for what they 
 really receive. With refpedt to many 
 of the officers, fuch as the command- 
 P 1 ing 
 
[ ii6 ] 
 
 ing officer, adjutant, quarter-mafter, 
 &c. you may fafely do it, as the mo- 
 ney does not come out of their own 
 pockets, but is charged in the contin- 
 gent bill. They will not, therefore, 
 give themfeives much trouble about 
 the matter ; and, as to the private 
 men, you, as a non-commiffion officer, 
 may eafily brow-beat them, fhould 
 they queftion your accounts ; and, in 
 matter of confcience, as you are often 
 obliged to truft a long time for the 
 payment of their poftage, it is barely 
 getting a little more than common in- 
 tereft for your money. 
 
 Befides the appointments already 
 mentioned, you are alfo officially keeper 
 of the menagerie to the corps. If the 
 colonel, or any other officer, has a large 
 wolf, or bull-dog, or the regiment 
 any tame animal that follows it, fuch 
 as an ape, a bear, a fawn, or a goat, 
 they will affuredly be placed under 
 your care. This will be a regular 
 
 income 
 
[ "7 ] 
 
 income to you ; and you may occa- 
 fionally bring in a bill for depreda- 
 tions which they never committed. 
 
 In winter-quarters, or at any time 
 when you have nothing elfe to do, flog 
 all your drummers round. If they do 
 not then deferve it, it is pretty certain 
 they lately have, or fhortly will : be- 
 fides, corredtion tends to keep them 
 good, when they are fo. 
 
 If you fhould hear of any perfon 
 being dangeroufly ill in any town or 
 garrifon, when you beat through the 
 ftreets, take care to brace your drums 
 well, and to make a confounded noife, 
 as you pafs under their windows. 
 This may fometimes procure you a 
 perquifite. 
 
 In marching by the commanding 
 officer, when you beat the fliort troop, 
 look as ftern as poflible, and appear as 
 if you could eat him up at a mouthful. 
 
 When 
 
[ ii8 ] 
 
 When you pitch on a place for 
 pradice in garrifon, let it be as near 
 the town as poffible, that the officers 
 may conftantly hear the boys at daddy- 
 mammy, and be thereby convinced 
 that you do not fufFer them to be idle. 
 If it is clofe to an hofpital, a public 
 fchool, or a church, it will be fo much 
 the better ; as the found of the drums 
 will amufe the fick, divert the boys, 
 and keep the old women awake at 
 their devotions. 
 
 CHAP. 
 
[ ^19 J 
 
 CHAP. XVII. 
 
 To the Drummer. 
 
 BY your profeffion you are evi- 
 dently deftined to make a noife 
 in the world : and your party-co- 
 loured coat and drum- carriage, like 
 the zone of Venus, or halter about 
 the neck of a felon, makes you appear 
 a pretty fellow in the eyes of the 
 ladies. So that you may always, if 
 not over-modeft, (which I muft own is 
 not often the failing of gentlemen of 
 your calling) be fure of bringing off a 
 girl from every quarter. After in- 
 fedting her with a certain difeafe, and 
 felling her clothes, you may introduce 
 her to the officers, your employments 
 making you a dependent on Mercury 
 as well as Apollo. This will at leaft 
 infure you the thanks of the furgeon 
 and his mate. 
 
 As 
 
[ I20 ] 
 
 As It is neceflary that a foldier fhould 
 know all the ufes of his arms, permit 
 me to obferve to you, that a drum and 
 its appurtenances may, in the hands of 
 a clever fellow, anfwer many good pur- 
 pofes befides that of being beaten on. 
 Should a flock of geefe or ducks ob- 
 ftrudl your line of march, two or three 
 may be fafely and fecretly lodged in it ; 
 and the drum cafe will hold peas, 
 beans, apples and potatoes, when the 
 havrefack is full. 
 
 Whenever you fall in with a horfe- 
 man on the road, you may try the 
 rider's fkill, and the horfe's mettle, by 
 beating the grenadier's march juft 
 under his nofe. Should the rider be 
 difmounted, and get his arm broken, 
 or his flcull fradlured, it is no more 
 than he deferves, for not paying a due 
 refpedl to your cloth, in taking 
 himfelf out of the road ; and, after 
 all, it is not your fault, but the 
 horfe's. 
 
 When 
 
[ ^^^I ] 
 
 When you mount guard with an 
 officer, put by half the allowance of 
 coals. This is your undoubted per- 
 quifite, by ufage for time immemorial ; 
 and the Quarter-mafter-ferjeant will 
 help you to a chap to take them off 
 your hands ; or, at worft, you may 
 exchange them at the cantine for 
 liquor. 
 
 Never fweep the guard-room till the 
 guard is juft going to be relieved : 
 the unfettled duft will prove to the 
 relieving officer, that you have not 
 omitted that part of your duty. 
 
 All bottles, glaffes, &c. brought 
 with the officers' dinner, and left by 
 miftake, are, as well as the remains of 
 the provifion, your property : and 
 fhould a ftray filver fpoon happen to 
 be amongft them, you may venture to 
 take it into your protedion, left it 
 fhould fall into diftioneft hands. 
 
 Q When 
 
[ 122 ] 
 
 When ordered to put the fentence of 
 a Court-martial into execution, you 
 will do it according to your opinion 
 of the matter ; and, if the prifoner 
 ihould, whilft in cuftody, have treated 
 you to a pot of beer, or to a dram, 
 you know how to be grateful. 
 
 Should you arrive to fuch a degree 
 of excellence, as to be appointed an or- 
 derly drummer, you may pafs your 
 time very comfortably ; particularly, 
 if you have an old, and not very flcil- 
 ful major, as he will want your af- 
 fiftance to put the regiment through 
 its exercife. But, in that cafe, don't 
 fail to confider your own importance, 
 and to take upon you accordingly : 
 you may then bid defiance to the drum- 
 major and the adjutant. 
 
 You muft inform yourfelf of the 
 meaning of the different beats of the 
 drum ; and endeavour to conform to 
 
 the 
 
[ 123 ] 
 
 the original intention of them. Thus, 
 reveiller fignifies to wake. Therefore, 
 in performing this part of your duty 
 in garrifon, you muft continue beating, 
 not only till you have awakened the 
 fentinels, and the officer of the guard, 
 but alfo till you have roufed all the 
 neighbouring inhabitants. 
 
 When parading before the head- 
 quarters to beat off the troop, re- 
 treat, or tattoo, contrive, by bracing, 
 tapping and trying your drum, to 
 make as much noife as poffible. 
 This will ferve to convince the com- 
 manding officer of your punctuality. 
 
 Q2 CHAP. 
 
[ l^^4 ! 
 
 CHAPTER XVIII, 
 
 To the Private Soldier. 
 
 AS a private foldier, you fhould 
 confider all your officers as your 
 natural enemies, with whom you are 
 in a perpetual ftate of warfare: you 
 fhould refleft that they are conftantly 
 endeavouring to withhold from you all 
 your juft dues, and to impofe on you 
 every unneceflary hardfhip ; and this 
 for the mere fatisfaftion of doing you 
 an injury. In your turn, therefore, 
 make it a point to deceive and defraud 
 them, every poffible opportunity ; and 
 more particularly the officers of the 
 company to which you belong. 
 
 Firft then, take every method of 
 getting into your captain's debt ; and, 
 when you are pretty handfomely on 
 his books, turn out a volunteer for 
 
 foreign 
 
[ 1^5 ] 
 
 foreign fervice, or elfe defert ; and 
 after waiting for a proclamation, or 
 an ad; of grace, furrender yourfelf to 
 fome other corps. 
 
 On duty, as foon as the corporal 
 has pofled you fentry, and left you, 
 (if he has given himfelf the trouble 
 of coming out with the relief) en- 
 deavour to accommodate yourfelf as 
 conveniently as you can, the health of 
 every good foldier being of the utmoft 
 confequence to the fervice. For this 
 purpofe, if you have a fentry-box, get 
 fome ftones, and make yourfelf a feat ; 
 or bore two large holes in the oppo- 
 fite fides, through which you may 
 pafs your ftick, or for want of it, your 
 firelock. Thus feated, in order that 
 you may not fall afleep, which would 
 be rather improper and dangerous for 
 a fentry, fing or whiftle fome merry 
 tune, as loud as pofTible : this will 
 both keep you awake, and convince 
 people that you really are fo. 
 
 In 
 
[ 126 ] 
 
 In camp, where you cannot have 
 the benefit of a box, as foon as you 
 are pofted, carefully ground your 
 arms in fome dry place, a good fol- 
 dier being always careful of his 
 arms ; and, wrapping yourfelf up 
 in your watch-coat, fit or lie down in 
 the lee of fome officer's marquis ; and, 
 to pafs the tedious hours away, whif- 
 tle or fing, as before diredted ; and if 
 ever you fmoke, there cannot be a 
 better time to take a pipe. 
 
 If you are fentinel at the tent of 
 one of the field-officers, you need not 
 challenge in the fore part of the even- 
 ing, for fear of difturbing his honour, 
 who perhaps may be reading, writing, 
 or entertaining company. But as foon 
 as he is gone to bed, roar out every 
 ten minutes at leaft. Who comes there ? 
 though nobody is paffing. This will 
 give him a favourable idea of your 
 alertnefs ; and though his {lumbers 
 may be broken, yet will they be the 
 
 more 
 
[ 127 ] 
 
 more pleafing, when he finds that 
 he repofes in perfedl fecurity. When 
 the hour of relief approaches, keep 
 conftantly crying out, Relief, relief! 
 it will prevent the guard from for- 
 getting you, and prove that you are 
 not afleep. 
 
 Perhaps it may be unneceflary to 
 inform you, that in relieving you may 
 go without your arms, and take the 
 firelock from the man you relieve. By 
 this contrivance none of the firelocks, 
 but thofe of the fentries, will be wet, 
 or out of order. 
 
 On a march, fliould you be one of 
 the baggage guard, put your arms, 
 knapfack, and havrefack on the wag- 
 gon ; and if they are loft, or your 
 firelock broken, make out fome ftory 
 to your captain, who at all events 
 muft replace and repair them. 
 
 Should 
 
[ 1^8 ] 
 
 Should you, by accident, have 
 pawned or fold your neceflaries, feign 
 ficknefs on the day they are reviewed, 
 and borrow thofe of any foldier, 
 whofe company is not infpedted. You 
 may, in your turn, oblige him in the 
 like manner ; and, if this cannot be 
 done, contrive to get confined for 
 fome trivial negleft, till the review is 
 over. 
 
 If your comrade deferts, you may 
 fafely fell your whole kit, and charge 
 him with having ftolen it : fhould he 
 be caught, and deny it, nobody will 
 believe him. 
 
 If the duty runs hard, you may 
 eafily fham fick, by fwallowing a quid 
 of tobacco. Knock your elbow 
 againft the wall, or your tent-pole, 
 and it will accelerate the circulation to 
 the quicknefs of a fever. Quick lime 
 and foap will give you a pair of fore 
 legs, that would deceive the furgeon- 
 general himfelf : and the rheumatifm 
 
 is 
 
[ 129 ] 
 
 is an admirable pretence, not eafily 
 difcovered.'' If you fhould be fent to 
 an hofpital in London, contrive to 
 draw money from the agent ; it is 
 your officer's bufinefs to look to the 
 payment. 
 
 When you are really taken ill, flap 
 your hat, let your hair hang down 
 loofe upon your Ihoulders, wear a 
 dirty handkerchief about your neck, 
 unhook your fkirts, and ungaiter your 
 ftockings. Thefe are all privileges of 
 ficknefs. 
 
 If your mefs have changed their 
 marketing for gin, or any other good 
 liquor, and have nothing to put into 
 the pot, carefully wrap up a puppy 
 or a brickbat in a cloth, and call it 
 a flieep's head, or a pudding. This 
 you may very fafely do, as it is an 
 hundred to one that your, officer will 
 not be at the pains to examine it. 
 
 R At 
 
[ ijo ] 
 
 At a field-day, ftop up the touch- 
 hole of your piece with cobbler's wax, 
 or fome other fubftance. This will 
 prevent your firing, and fave you the 
 trouble of cleaning your arms : be- 
 fides, unlefs the quarter-mafter-ferjeant 
 and his pioneers are uncommonly care- 
 ful, you may fecrete fome cartridges 
 to fell to the boys of the town to make 
 fquibs. 
 
 In the firings always be fure to fill 
 your pan as full of powder as poffible ; 
 it will caufe much fun in the ranks, 
 by burning your right-hand man : and 
 on the right wing it will alfo burn the 
 officers ; who, perhaps, to fave their 
 pretty faces, may order the right-hand 
 file of each platoon not to fire, and 
 thus fave them the trouble of dif- 
 mounting their firelocks, and wafhing 
 the barrel, after the exercife is over. 
 
 In coming down as front rank, be 
 fure to do it briflcly, and let the toe 
 
 of 
 
[ 131 ] 
 
 of the butt firft touch the ground. 
 By this you may poffibly break the 
 ftock ; which will fave you the trou- 
 ble of further exercife that day : and 
 your captain will be obliged to make 
 good the damage. The fame efFed: 
 may be produced by coming from the 
 fhoulder to the order, at two motions, 
 efpecially on the pavement in a gar- 
 rifon town. 
 
 As firing ball may be attended with 
 accidents, and befides gives a foldier 
 the unneceflary trouble of cleaning his 
 piece, when you load with cartridge, 
 put the ball downwards ; which will 
 fettle the matter for that day. 
 
 When you want to Ikrew in a frefh 
 flint, do it with your bayonet : if this 
 notches it, it will be ufeful as a faw, 
 and you will befides fliew your inge- 
 nuity in making it ferve for purpofes 
 for which it never was intended : 
 though, indeed, this weapon may 
 
 be 
 
[ 13^ J 
 
 be fald to be the moft handy of any a 
 foldier carries. It is an excellent in- 
 ftrument for digging potatoes, onions, 
 or turnips. Stuck in the ground, it 
 makes a good candleftick ; and it will 
 on occafion ferve either to kill a mud- 
 lark, or to keep an impertinent boor 
 at a proper diftance, whilft your com- 
 rades are gathering his apples. 
 
 Should you get to be an officer's 
 fervant, you may immediately com- 
 mence fine gentleman. If he is about 
 your own fize, you may wear his 
 ftiirts and ftockings ; and ftiould you 
 tear them in putting them on, it is his 
 fault for having them made fo fmall. 
 
 When he is on guard, you may 
 invite company to his marquis, and it 
 is hard if you cannot get a key that 
 will open his canteens. 
 
 If on the march he gives you a can- 
 teen with a lock to carry, this is truly 
 
 muzzling 
 
[ ^33 ] 
 
 muzzling the ox ; which is forbidden 
 in fcripture. You may therefore pu- 
 nifh him, by breaking the bottle, and 
 drinking his liquor : there will be no 
 difficulty to bring witnefles to prove 
 that it was done by a fall. 
 
 When you wait on him at the mefs, 
 you may eafily contrive to pocket half 
 a fowl, a duck, a tongue, or fome 
 fuch convenient morfel ; and you and 
 your brethren muft be very awkward 
 and improvident, if you can't filch 
 fome beer, or a bottle of wine, to 
 drink with it. Some futlers are kind 
 enough to poor fervants to fcore a pot 
 or two of ale for their benefit. 
 
 If you are bat-man to an officer, 
 your perquifites are certain. Sell half 
 the forage to the futlers, who keep 
 horfes or afles : if they don't pay you 
 in money, they will in gin. As a 
 chriftian is more worthy than a beaft, 
 it is better your mafter's horfes ftiould 
 want than you. 
 
 When 
 
[ 134 ] 
 
 When in quarters, fhould your 
 landlord be uncivil, there are various 
 methods by which you may bring 
 him to reafon. If he refufes to fub- 
 fift you at the rated allowance, you 
 may foon force him to it, by roafting 
 a cat, a dog, or an old boot, at the 
 landlord's fire : for it is no bufinefs of 
 his, what you drefs for your own 
 dinner. 
 
 You may be fure that, go into what 
 quarters you will, the landlord will 
 heartily wifh you out of them. You 
 fhould therefore make it a point to 
 give him good caufe for it ; as it is 
 hard a man fhould be hated and def- 
 pifed without reafon. 
 
 ^«/ capit, ilk facit. 
 
 FINIS. 
 
 Instruction 
 
Instruction united with Amusement. 
 
 TH E following SELECTIONS form confeffedly 
 the moft entertaining and interefting coUeiftion, 
 for youth of both faxes, in the Englifli language ; and 
 are all printed uniform in ten Pocket Volumes; each 
 of which may be had fingly for half a crown, or the 
 whole for one pound five {hillings. 
 
 They form a bandjome and ufeful frefent^ 
 
 As that great luminary Dr. Johnson ftrongly re- 
 commends, in the fourth volume of his Rambler, felefl- 
 ing the best thoughts of our best writers, it is rather 
 Angular that this truly refpedlable Author'a advice has 
 not been adopted before. 
 
 The Volumes now Publifhed, are 
 
 The BEAUTIES of 
 
 SHAKSPEARE, GOLDSIWITH, 
 
 MILTON, SWIFT, 
 
 THOMSON, STERNE, 
 
 YOUNG, WATTS, 
 
 POPE, AND 
 
 JOHNSON, FIELDING. 
 
 With the Lives of each Author, and their Heads 
 neatly engraved by Trotter. 
 
 The Beauties of Milton, Thomson, and Young, 
 are all contained in one Volume. 
 
 Every loofe and indelicate expreflion is carefully 
 omitted in Swift and Sterne. 
 
 The 
 
The Monthly Review, in fpeaking of the Beauties 
 of Johnson, fays, ** We heartily wifli this feledlion 
 '*fuccefs among Youth, for whofe improvement, par- 
 *' ticularly in fchools, it feems principally intended." 
 
 Though the whole colled):ion has been publiHied but a 
 fhort period, moft of them have gone through feveral 
 editions, and been introduced into the principal fchools 
 in and about London. 
 
 Printed for George Kearfley, at No. 46, in Fleet-ftreet. 
 
 *** As thefe Beauties are fo generally read at 
 home, there can be no doubt but they will be as well 
 received abroad j particularly in the Eaft and Weft- 
 Indies. Thofe who buy them for exportation, will have 
 a proper allowance. 
 
NOTES 
 
 1 {page 14). Formerly followed with great 
 advantage in our army. The only com- 
 manding general who uniformly wrote his 
 own dispatches generally made himself ridic- 
 ulous. 
 
 2 (/>. 17). Acted upon with the most favor- 
 able results at Vienna, Big Bethel, Ball's BlufF, 
 the first and second Bull Run, the Shenan- 
 doah Valley, &c., &c., except that no one 
 learned a lesson from the experience. 
 
 3 {p. 28). This injunction is very gene- 
 rally obeyed in our service. 
 
 4 {p. 32). The use of the cat having been 
 abolished in the United States Army, it will 
 of course be impossible to adopt the valua- 
 ble suggestions of the text. The ingenious 
 
commanding officer will, however, find am- 
 ple resources for enlivening the regiment, 
 in the buck, the wooden horse, the guard- 
 house, &c. 
 
 5 (/>. 51). In the United States Army, the 
 Quartermaster is governed by three maxims : 
 1st. To make himself comfortable; 2d. To 
 make himself more comfortable ; 3d. To 
 make himself most comfortable. " On these 
 three commandments hang all the law and 
 the prophets." 
 
 6 {p. 53). The Quartermaster's duties 
 comprised those which in our service are 
 embraced in his own and the subsistence 
 department. 
 
 7 (/•• 5^)- Spirit-rapping will answer at the 
 present day. 
 
 8 (/>. 57). To fully comprehend the advice 
 contained in this chapter, it must be recollected 
 that at the time it was written the medical 
 
officers of the British Army furnished their 
 own medicines at their own cost. The ad- 
 vice, therefore, to eschew drugs and leave na- 
 ture to herself is clearly inapplicable to the 
 surgeons of our own army, whose medicines 
 are supplied by the Government, and whose 
 duty it is to carry their patients through the 
 ordinary routine system of medication regard- 
 less of cost. 
 
 9 (/"• 58)- Peruvian bark was formerly 
 called Jesuits' bark. 
 
 ro (/>. 60). Up to a comparatively recent 
 period, this advice was very generally acted 
 upon in our service. Unfortunately, a number 
 of young men have got into the medical corps 
 who are so headstrong and ignorant as to in- 
 sist upon letting the lancet rust in its case, and 
 who turn their tartar emetic and calomel over 
 to the Quartermaster, for use in the veterinary 
 department. 
 
 II {p. 61). A commanding officer in New 
 
4 
 
 Mexico, several years ago, hit upon an admira- 
 ble plan for stopping the spread of venereal 
 disorders. He had every soldier who was 
 reported by the surgeon as affected with any 
 disease of the kind tried by court-martial, and 
 suitably punished. As a consequence, the 
 practice of the surgeon in this respect soon 
 fell off to nothing. It was thus a thoroughly 
 successful piece of discipline. Whether the 
 morality of the soldiers was improved, or 
 whether they went on in the old way, and 
 cured themselves, was a question which no 
 one but a mutinous fellow would have pre- 
 sumed to ask. 
 
 12 (/>. 66). In the United States Army, 
 chaplai ns do not — so far, at least, as is known — 
 keep mistresses. There used to be one, how- 
 ever, stationed at a Western post, who kept a 
 mint-bed, from the product of which, with the 
 assistance of other ingredients, he managed to 
 manufacture very excellent juleps and cob- 
 blers. He was very popular with the younger 
 
officers, but not being appreciated at head- 
 quarters, was removed, to make way for a 
 better man. There was also another, who 
 kept horses, and who was a capita] jockey. 
 
 13 (/>. 129). Chalking the tongue has been 
 known to deceive the most experienced sur- 
 geon. 
 
; . , Emu)