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CORNELL
UNIVERSITY
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Cornell University Library
F 86983 C440

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3 1924 028 884 067

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| GAYLORD PRINTEDINU.S.A,
t

 
 

Photo. by Marceau, San Francisco.

 
CHAMBLISS’ DIARY;

OR,

SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS.

BY

WILLIAM H. CHAMBLISS.

Fully Illustrated with over Fifty Copper-plate Half- Tones
and Photo-Engravings.
INCLUDING TWENTY-FIVE SOCIETY PICTURES BY
LAURA E. FOSTER.

NEW YORK:

CHAMBLISS & COMPANY, PwuBLIsHERS,
PULITZER BUILDING.

1895.
CopyriGuT, 1894 AND 1895,
BY

THE AUTHOR.

All rights reserved,

 

Entered according to Act of Congress, in the year 1895, by Witt1am H. CHAMBLIss,
in the office of the Librarian of Congress, at Washington, D. C.
DEDICATION.

To my Mother, and all other Good Mothers :

Knowing that the mutual chief object of the lives
of all true mothers is, as it always was and always will
be, the improvement of the human family, and believing
that a concentration of attention—which is bound to
come about sooner or later—on certain evils which exist
among the supposed better classes in our large cities,
would result in a decided improvement, I beg to dedi-
cate to you these pages as a testimonial of appreciation
of what the better half of enlightened mankind would like

to do for society.
W. H. CHAmMBLiss.
New York, April 14, 1895.

iii
PREFACE.

AccorRDING to the ablest critics, authors are witnesses.
Therefore the press and the reading public must be the
lawyers, the judges, and the jury.

This book contains the truth.

It is intended, bear in mind, for persons who possess
intelligence enough to think for themselves.

While mainly on the subject of society, it nevertheless
touches on travel.

As the book has been written at odd moments, and
under a great variety of circumstances, in various parts
of the world, it has received a title not inapplicable, I
hope, to a record of individual experiences, candid opin-
ions, and rambling observations of all classes of society.

I have kept a diary for more than twelve years, during
which time I served a regular apprenticeship in the
United States Naval Training Squadron, made a voyage
around the world, served four years as an officer in ships
of the merchant marine service, and afterward spent
considerable time traveling abroad, as well as in the
United States, in pursuit of additional knowledge of the
ways of the world.

The foolish attempt of certain members of the parvenu
element of San Francisco and New York to suppress the
book before it was half written, by accusing me of being
too personal in my remarks, and writing in a spirit of
revenge, only goes to prove that the guilty sometimes

x
vi PREFACE.

call attention to their errors by denying things of which
no one has accused them.

In order to show the difference between real respecta-
bility and vulgar pretension in high, or alleged high, life,
I have indulged in a few personal remarks, and have
given some examples that will corroborate the openly
expressed opinions of many honorable citizens, who
declare that the alleged or self-styled high society is just
the reverse of what it claims to be. I have written this
for the good of society, and not with a view to injuring
anyone.

No person has a higher regard for real respectability
than I have, and my detestation for shoddyism, snobbery,
and insolence, the three principal strands in the main-
stay of the alleged high society, ranks second to that of
none.

The compilers of dictionaries evidently never imagined
that the parvenus of any American community would
ever become so thoroughly un-Americanized as to neces-
sitate the coining of a new word comprehensive enough
to express the contempt with which the upstarts of the
present day inspire all persons endowed with God’s gift
to man—common sense.

The word Parvenucracy (pronounce Par’-ven-d0c'-ra’-
cy), used in this book, has been designed expressly for
this subject.

Parvenucracy means those arch-parvenus, and their
followers, who imagine that the mere acquisition of a few
thousand dollars, coupled with an unlimited supply of
insolence and arrogance, is all that they require in order
to gain admission to the homes of persons of culture and
refinement.

Throughout the book I have endeavored to write in
language that is used in ordinary conversation. In order
PREFACE. vil

to make the book readable, I have refrained from the
perpetration of such ‘‘ fashionable”’ absurdities as quota-
tions from alien, unknown, and dead languages.

I have one request to make of the reader, and that is,
to bear in mind that in commenting upon the absurdities
of certain individuals, whose names I have used, I have
not been actuated by any personal dislike. It is entirely
a matter of principle. I see no harm in using the names
of impostors who hanker after notoriety of the most
ridiculous kind, in order to create the impression that
they are that which, Heaven knows, they are not. There
is no more personal feeling in the contents of these pages
than there is in the writings of the humorous reporter,
who is assigned by the city editor to supply a few col-
umns of legitimate news fora reliable daily paper, or in
the productions of the caricaturists attached to the staffs
of Puck, IVasp, and Judge.

If it is wrong to point out certain corruptions; if it is
sinful and irreverent to say that those corruptions are
hurtful to purity and virtue; if it is wrong to criticise
so-called gentlemen for ignoring their marriage vows; if
it is unlawful to suggest the setting up of a social stand-
ard not to be cursed with the domination of ill-gotten
wealth; and last, but not least, if it is wrong to say that
the negro ex-slave—the very lowest of all creation
resembling man—is unfit to become the husband of
the American gentleman’s daughter, the flower of our
nation, then I sincerely hope that my humble opinions
and truthful reminiscences may never reach the intelli-
gent public.
THANKS FOR ADVANCE PRESS NOTICES.

Tue author begs to inform the reader that all credit
for the good that may result from the publication of his
Diary is due to his Friends and the Press.

His friends advised him to write, and the press notified
the public that the book was being written.

No better proof that the leading representatives of the
American press favor the stamping out of corruption,
and the establishment of a higher social standard, is
wanted than the fact that they assist with their able pens
all authors who write for the public good; and no better
example exists at the present time than the liberal,
friendly aid extended to the author of this book.

Since the announcement that the work was being pre-
pared for publication, the gratuitous advance press
notices, in various parts of the nation, have already
amounted to the gigantic sum of over three hundred and
ninety thousand words (390,000), besides pictures and
caricatures enough to fill dozens of columns of valuable
space.

The San Francisco Axvamrner, the monarch of the
Western dailies, for instance, has, up to date, devoted
over thirty columns of news space to the assistance of
the principles advocated in the book. At the rate of
1200 words to the column, allowing for pictures and dis-
play head-lines, the notices of this great people’s news-
paper alone amount to 36,000 words of news, besides a
leading editorial of tooo words, all commending the

1x
x ADVANCE PRESS NOTICES.

object of the book. The New York Herald, the Chicago
Tribune, the Chicago Zimes-Herali/, the St. Louis Repud-
lic, and many other leading American dailies, fell in line
with the Examiner, and devoted column after column to
it. The New York Aera/d published in its St. Patrick’s
Day edition an article of about 3500 words on the front
page of the supplement. Extracts from this article were
telegraphed all the way across the continent and pub-
lished in many papers. TZ%e Tl’asp, the great cartoon
paper of the West, published a caricature of the author
in a bullet-proof coat ; and the San Francisco Ca// made
sufficient mention of the work to show his recognition of
the effort.

The following extracts will show the spirit of the press
concerning the book.

The first intimation that the public received of the
work was in the following notice, under the head of
Sparks, by Mr. Mackay, in the San Francisco Mews Letter :

“Since William H. Chambliss returned from the Orient he has
been busy writing a book, which will soon be published. The
most interesting features of the work will be extracts from his
Diary, which he has kept since he was a boy. It will contain
glimpses of life as Mr. Chambliss found it when he was enrolled
in Uncle Sam's Navy, and sketches of his experiences in San
Francisco society. There are few men of his age who have seen
as much of the world as he has. He entered the navy when he
was seventeen, and graduated in 1887, after having circumnavi-
gated the globe in the schoolship Zssex. His life as an officer in
the Pacific Mail Steamship Company was interesting and varied, and
he has in his possession many treasures of a world’s pilgrimage.”

The enterprising editor of the Zxaminer read the Mews
Letter's friendly mention, and at once detailed Mr. C. M.
Coe to call for some further information to give to the
public.
ADVANCE PRESS NOTICES. x1

After looking over the Diary, Mr. Coe picked out some
extracts and published them in a two-column article,
which attracted the attention of the press of the country.

From the xaminer’s first criticism the following is
extracted :

“CHAMBLISS AS AN AUTHOR.

“WRITING A BOOK ON SOCIAL LIFE.

“William H. Chambliss, the young society leader, and organizer
of the Monday Evening Cotillion Club, is writing a book.

“The scheme of embalming his ideas in literature struck him
many months ago, and with him to receive an idea is to act
upon it.

‘A call was made on him yesterday, when it was found that he
had transformed his Palace Hotel suite of rooms into a veritable
literary den.

“Tn his writings, he has not stinted himself in expression. He
writes frankly and tells not only what he knows, but also what he
thinks. Chaméliss’ Drary contains a mine of information of a
kind not readily to be had.”

FOLLOWING ARE EXTRACTS FROM PAPERS TAKEN
UP AT RANDOM.

“Mr. Chambliss, a prominent society man of San Francisco, is
writing a book descriptive of society as it really is, and Miss Laura
E. Foster, a popular society lady, is illusirating it. The selection
of Miss Foster for such a task is a decided compliment to her
ability as an artist.”-—Alameda Datly Argus.

se
“The forthcoming work on society, by W. H. Chambliss, will
fill a long felt want.’—Sacramento Bee.
*
kok
“The literary style of the book is peculiarly his own, and there
is little doubt that he will create a sensation in society. In fact, it
xil ADVANCE PRESS NOTICES.

is doubtful if anyone but Mr. Chambliss could have written it.”"—
Chicago Trues-Herald,
a

“Tt is a protest against what the author calls the ‘ Parvenucracy,’
which he asserts has society by the throat.

“The word is a new one, and describes a condition of wealth,
arrogance, ignorance, bad manners, and immorality which the
author says exists in parvenu society.

“He declares that the antics of the Parvenucracy, and the
ridiculous make-up of their so-called society, place San Francisco
in a bad light with the rest of the country.

“In New York, says Mr. Chambliss, you have the rich vulgarian
whose wealth is due to brains, and whose sons stand a chance of
inheriting brains, but in San Francisco we have the arch-parvenu,
a complete mutton-head, who simply stumbled across a lot of
money.

“The author is a Southerner, and he says this leveling of social
requirement is degrading, and that a higher social standard
should be set up.”—ew York Herald.

1K
oO

“Judging from the extended notices given Mr. Chambliss by
the New York and Chicago papers, his book will create a social
sensation.”--Port Gzbson Ulléss.) Reverlle.

“The author of Soczety as zt Really Ts, is far from being a
happy man. First he was worried to distraction by ambitious
people who wanted to receive mention in the book; and now
several persons, whose antics he has commented upon, threaten to
quarter him if he mentions them. TI would advise Mr. Chambliss
to equip himself at once with one of Herr Dowe’s bullet-proof

coats. ’"— The IVasp.
kK

Took
‘Apropos of art, Miss Laura E. Foster of Alameda is illustrat-
ing Mr. Chambliss’ society book, which one hears so much about
nowadays.
ADVANCE PRESS NOTICES. xiii

“Miss Foster is very clever with her pen and ink. She won the
prize offered by the Lxvamzner for the best design for a lady’s
bicycle suit.”—Paczfe Town Talk,

“No subject has created more interest and speculation in
society circles during the past few months than the book to be
entitled Chamblzss’ Diary, or, Soctety as tt Really Is.

“In the dedication the author gives the keynote to the contents
of the forthcoming book. It is dedicated to his mother, and
declares that, as the chief object of the lives of all true mothers is
the improvement of society, concentration of attention on existing
evils must result in a general improvement in mankind. The
style of the work is straightforward, and no one can doubt the
author's sincerity.

‘Though caustic and fearless in holding up the absurdities and .
pretensions of the new-rich as a warning to others, he has never-
theless a dignified purpose and a certain kindliness of treatment
which can offend only those whose errors he speaks of.’’-—Saz
Lrrancisco News Letter.

she
OR

“A recent announcement that a book would appear entitled
Chambliss’ Diary has caused more interest, and awakened more
curiosity in the public mind, especially among sociely people, than
any work for a number of years,

“The author is well known as atypical representative of honored
heredity. His life and career have given him favorable opportuni-
ties to see society life as it really is, and the ‘ Diary’ is a truthful
narrative of the customs and usages of the best society, and a
scathing review of shoddyism, vulgarity, and truckling sycophancy,
abundant in the socalled society of parvenus.”--/ared Hoag’s
California and her Buzdlders.

By
xe

“ The object of the book is to show the difference between the
better elements of society and the pretenders who claim social
supremacy on account of wealth alone.”—Chicago Tribune.
XIV ADVANCE PRESS NOTICES.

“ Chambliss Diary will be the most successful book ever
issued on society. There is a profound conviction all around that
the author is a man who has had the opportunity of studying
the human nature he is portraying on paper. He has traveled
extensively all over the world, always moving in the best circles of
society. He comes from one of the oldest families in Mississippi.”
—Aless Jesste Robertson's San Francisco Soctety.

FUTILE ATTEMPT AT SUPPRESSION.

The high-handed attempt of several members of the
Crocker-Huntington-S. P. R. R. faction to suppress the
publication of the work has been told in the columns of
the press. Mention of same will be found on pages 358
to 363.

The San Francisco Zxaminer, in commenting upon the
absurdity of trying to suppress the truth, made the fol-
lowing remarks in a leading editorial :

“That there should be a considerable dissension from the publi-
cation of A/r. Chambliss’ Deary, wherein he has unfolded his
secrets concerning the personnel of society, is natural; that the
dissenters should be persons of prominence in that ‘sacred’
circle no less so. Whether the author has or has not portrayed
‘Society as it really is’ would seem to be a matter of minor
importance in determining the cause of dissension. Of greater
weight is the fact that he has portrayed it as it has pleased him to
do. From Mr. Chambliss’ tastes in pleasure neither social dis-
tinction, nor obscure origin, nor financial worth is adequate pro-
tection. Even great military prowess is insufficient to silence him.”
CHAMBLISS’ DIARY;

OR,

SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS.

CHAPTER I.

THE word Society, as it is generally used in conversa-
tion and writing, by all civilized persons in the United
States, is supposed to mean the better or more refined
portion of any law-respecting community ; well-bred
persons of culture and enlightenment, to whom the masses
may look for the very best examples in everything that
pertains to social usages; citizens whose actions are
above reproach; ladies and gentlemen who, by their
pure instincts and good influences, direct and facilitate
the advancement of respectability.

When we speak of the state of society, we do not mean
the condition of any organization or ‘‘set,”’ the members
of which may claim distinction above all other ‘‘sets” or
organizations in a community ; we do not mean the high
municipal officers, for mere incumbency is no guarantee
of either veracity or integrity, or even common decency,
nowadays ; and wecertainly do not mean the rich people
of a community, for it is not necessary for a person to
possess vast wealth in order to be a good citizen ; we
simply mean the general state of civilization.

All persons of intelligence should understand that the
2 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

present state of civilization is due to the labors of those
who brought it about ; therefore, the word society is not
applicable to persons of leisure, who do nothing at all
except boast that they never work, simply because they
have enough to live on without doing anything that re-
sembles work, or as they themselves express it: ‘‘We
don’t work because we don’t have to.”

That is just it exactly ; they prefer to live their use-
less lives in idleness, and squander what was earned,
honestly, perhaps, in some instances, by those who are
no longer numbered among the living.

When a man boasts that he is a ‘‘ gentleman of leisure,”
it is perfectly safe to consider him a fool, an impostor,
an upstart, or anything except a gentleman.

Among creatures of this class, refinement, culture,
politeness, proper behavior, and in fact, all things that
tend to elevate mankind, are held in about as much
esteem as honor among the politicians of the present
time.

With those who claim to be members of the “leisure
class,” the definition of society seems to have undergone
a complete change. According to their edicts, no one
who is thoroughly upright and honorable in all things can
possibly be a good citizen. To tell the truth about any-
thing is high treason.

I wish it distinctly understood that in speaking of
this useless ‘‘leisure class,’ I do not mean all persons
who are rich enough to live without work, nor do J mean
those who, having earned fortunes honestly, see fit, in
the afternoon of their lives, to retire from active business
cares and take some enjoyment out of the profits of their
labors. Far from it, for it would be extremely absurd
for me to give the reader any such impression of my
personal knowledge of mankind, which has been derived
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 3

entirely from experience and associations. There are
many retired business men, and retired officers of the
army and navy, in this country, whom I consider gentle-
men in every sense of the modern definition of the
word.

In speaking of a gentleman’s social qualifications, his
financial standing should never be mentioned as a
requisite factor, for if he zs a gentleman, he will be one
at all times and under all circumstances, adverse or other-
wise, and the combined malice of all his enemies, and the
malignant growling, the ludicrous barking, and the pitiful
whinings of all the jealous rivals, two-faced acquaintances,
and fair-weather friends in creation can never change his
real nature, any more than such petty annoyances have
changed the individual opinions of the man we now, for
the second term, honor as the acknowledged highest
official gentleman of the nation: Grover Cleveland.

It is customary at state dinners and banquets to pro-
pose the health of the chief magistrate of the host’s
country first. We Americans are noted for showing less
respect to our Chief Executive than any other civilized
people.

Supposing now that the reader has read and digested
the prefatory remarks and the dedication, let us continue
our dissection of the social system by proposing the health
of the President upon whose shoulders all disappointed
mercenary office-seekers and malcontented anarchists,
irrespective of party, political hypocrisy, or previous
occupation, have endeavored to saddle a// the blame for
the treachery and imbecility of the up-to-date Judases
and would-be builders of a Tower of Babel, known, be
it written to the sorrow and shame of society at iarge,
as the Fifty-third Congress.

History tells us that a large majority of our great men
4 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

were born poor. Several Presidents of the United States
were born in very modest circumstances. Our Saviour,
for that matter, was born ina stable. Therefore a per-
son who professes Christianity should never condemn
a good man on account of his having been born poor, or
because he works for his living.

The Revolutionary War left our forefathers, who
fought for the independence of America, in very strait-
ened circumstances. In those days men were not judged
by the size of their bank accounts. Parvenus and
“gentlemen of leisure’? were unknown quantities for
many years. Our ancestors found, after seven years of
hard fighting, that they had independence and nothing
else, except what they were able to produce by cultivating
the soil and engaging in legitimate trade and business
pursuits. They were equal to the occasion, however,
and civilization made rapid progress under the new form
of government ; and by general consent it was agreed
that there should never be any more aristocracy in
America. As long as this principle was maintained, our
country was the acknowledged paradise of the world.

It soon became known in all the countries of Europe
that the American form of government allowed equal
rights to all civilized races ; and then the tide of immigra-
tion to this country set in. The newcomers met with
receptions that they had never dreamed of in their native
countries. They were welcomed upon their arrival, and
extended all of the privileges enjoyed by those who had
fought to free the country from the foreign yoke.

At first, immigration was a good thing for the country.
Many good people, sick and tired of the oppression of
monarchs and aristocrats, came over and proved to be
valuable citizens. But too much of a good thing of this
kind is worse than not enough. Out of this foreign
 

PRESIDENT CLEVELAND,

The Highest Officiai Gentleman, in the uniform of Com-
mander-in-Chief of the Army and Navy.
By permission of The lilustrated American.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 7

immigration there sprang up an evil which has grown to
such alarming proportions that, at the present time, our
very form of government is threatened with disruption.

Glad of an opportunity to get rid of their paupers,
France, Germany, Italy, Portugal, Great Britain, Russia,
Spain, Norway, and Sweden threw open the flood-gates of
their sewers, and shipped us thousands and hundreds of
thousands of the very lowest and most undesirable ele-
ments of civilization.

Those unfortunate creatures, who never enjoyed in
their own countries the privileges that stray felines and
canines are allowed over here, are the very devils, in
human form, who defy law and order, and threaten the
destruction of the government that fosters them.

Bad as the hated Chinese are, any true thinking person,
who knows what he is talking about, will tell you that the
European paupers who are pouring into New York, and
spreading westward as fast as they can be counted by the
corrupt officials, are worse than the Chinese a hundred
times over. The Chinese laborer never interferes with
our politics, nor undertakes to defy our laws, as the
European beggar does. The Chinaman gives full value
in labor for every cent that he gets from his employer,
and he does his work without a murmur; while the
European pauper, suddenly elevated to a three dollar
a day job, is always ready to go on a strike and ruin his
employer without a moment’s notice.

Almost every day of the year that the weather permits,
you can see the curbstone orators all over San Francisco
shouting at the tops of their steam-beer-toned voices
that ‘‘the Chinese must go!” but you never hear anyone
of those vagabonds say anything about the European out-
laws, or the ‘‘emancipated” African savages who are
murdering the officers and soldiers of our government,
3 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

wrecking our railroad trains, robbing our citizens, assault-
ing and butchering American ladies and_ children, and
pillaging and burning our homes. Oh, no! the demon
who commits the crime is “‘ only fighting for his rights.”
“He’s all right,” shouts the malodorous, anarchistic
agitators and curbstone orators. ‘Let him go right
ahead and rob, murder, burn, steal, wreck trains, stop
the United States mails, ransack private homes, butcher
defenseless ladies ’’—anything at all that his villainous
imagination may suggest. Everything goes just so long
as he will vote for a jingo for president, or an O’ Donnell for
mayor.* And heis winked at by General Dimond and ex-
Admiral Meade, and treated to steam beer by other
“soldiers” of the national ‘‘ guard” of patriotic pension
pickers. But ‘the Chinese,” who never commit any
such depredations, ‘‘must go.”

Those very open-air politicians, who are obliged to do
their fuming and raving in wagons and on street corners
for the reason that the proprietors of public halls refuse
them admission, are worse than the Chinese ‘‘high-
binders ” ever dared to be.

Now, I am not advocating the Chinese, by any means.
I never did like a Chinaman. Personally, I dislike him
very much, but I prefer him to the anarchist and the
African at all times. This is merely an expression of
candid opinion on the absurdity of allowing those
anarchistic old beer-soaked vagrants of the Dennis
Kearney, Dr. O’Donnell, Eugene Debs class of society,
calling themselves orators, to obstruct the public streets
to tell their illiterate followers that a man who never
interferes with anybody’s business must be killed or sent
away, while the worst murderers, cut-throats, train-
wreckers, robbers, anarchists. bomb-throwers, thieves,

* T mean Dr. C. C. O’Donnell of Chinatown, S. F.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 9

and other outlaws that ever went unhanged, are allowed to
commit the most atrocious crimes, and go along unmo-
lested.

No politician or office-seeker seems to have the moral
courage to say, ‘‘ The anarchists and Africans must go!”
Through fear of losing a few votes, the politicians do not
even venture to say that the anarchists must stop coming
over from Europe. When an anarchist is brought into
court and tried for murder or arson, he generally goes
free. The reason of this is because there are enough of
them in the country to clog the wheels of the machinery
of justice, which are oiled and regulated to protect all
manner of fraud, and turn only in the direction indicated
by organized political capital. The up-to-date politician
is the friend of the anarchist ; he cares nothing about his
colcr or odor—he needs his vote.

The very vilest anarchists that ever lived are pouring into
New York by the shipload, all the time, and yet no politi-
cian seems to make the slightest objection to their coming.

A Chinese exclusion act we already have. What
we are sadly in need of now is an European exclusion act
that will shut out foreign immigration of all classes. Not
that I am opposed to foreigners on general principles;
not that I am prejudiced against the deter elements of
European society, for no one appreciates more than I the
indisputable fact that reaZ ladies and gentlemen are
desirable citizens, whether they are of Italian, Spanish,
French, English, Irish, German, Dutch, or any other
civilized nationality; but we have all that we can take
care of now, and it is time to announce through Congress
that the invitation list is closed. Herein lies a brilliant
opportunity for some real American statesman.

The man who frames and engineers this bill through
Congress will go down to history, and will be esteemed
10 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY ,; OR,

by all true Americans as the greatest man of the day.
The necessity of a general exclusion act is so great and
so plain to every good citizen, that, if one is not framed
soon, we will be forced into the belief that every mem-
ber of Congress, capable of framing such a bill, is bought
up by the gigantic steamship and railroad companies, and
other corporations of Europe and the East, that contract
for and bring those immigrants over. As a true born
citizen, I move that our gates be locked against this
foreign invasion, called immigration, and that the natural-
ization law be repealedatonce. Iam nota politician, but I
should lke to know if there is one politician or office-seeker
in the country who is not afraid to second this motion.

An act authorizing the deportation of a few millions of
anarchists and savages, irrespective of color or nation-
ality, would be hailed with delight.

If those demons could be returned to their native
countries and exchanged for law-abiding persons, Con-
gress would be justified in appropriating a sum sufficient
to defray all expenses necessary for transportation both
ways. And we could well afford to let English ships do
the transporting.

The general exclusion act should contain an article
specially designed for the unconditional exclusion of
penniless princes, lords, barons, counts, and all other
cheap-titled adventurers who, like Prince Andre Ponia-
towski and Count de Castellane, are likely to be sent
over here in the future, by the same board of matri-
monial brokers that sent these two sweet-scented
“noblemen” (?), to marry rich parvenuesses on percent-
age. Such adventurers are representatives of the better
elements of foreign society about as much, in reality,
as are the notorious members of the Parvenucracy who
purchase them—and pay their gambling debts and mis-
«OES INOY 9Y} O} PlOs pure [jw yse] puv pig} ‘puoses ‘ys ,,

29134 Ajdue Aw puv jes Aur ‘yjosXur 10y posoyo | we yonw Moz ,,
‘HATVS NOILONV ALHIOOS SIMSMOLVINOd FONIUd SSH TINNGAd

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 13

tress hire—representatives of true American society ;
namely, in their feeble minds.

A special clause should be worded so as to render it utterly
impossible for those soulless daughters, adopted daughters,
sisters-in-law, or nieces, as the case may be, of our Parvenu-
cracy,who“marry’ titled paupers with yellow striped crests,
to ever return to America under any pretext whatever.

Those marble-hearted specimens of femininity who
trade their very souls and bodies, as well as their ill-
gotten gold, for ignoble empty titles, are worse, morally
and intellectually, and really do more harm to society at
large, than even the unfortunate Chinese and Japanese
dancing girls who are imported to this country and sold
to the Oriental merchants, who, as soon as they tire of
them, again dispose of them to the keepers of houses of
shame similar to the house kept by Maud Nelson, the
daughter-in-law of the millionaire ex-senator, James G.
Fair of Nevada and California.

Not one of Mr. Fair’s daughters has succeeded in
marrying a prince as yet, but the up-to-date ‘‘ Magdalen”
that his son Charlie married has a past record that, from
a moral point of view, would compare favorably, as far as
the income from her peculiar business permitted her to
go, with that of any prince who has lived since the days
of Charles II.; not excepting even Prince Hatzfeldt, who
married the ‘‘adopted”(?) daughter of the C. P. R.R.
octopus, surnamed Huntington; Prince Colonna, who
married the daughter of Bonanza Mackay’s ‘‘wife”’ ; or
Prince Poniatowski, whom William H. Crocker, the
“king” of Snob Hill, is said to have purchased for a
Fourth of July present for his ‘‘true American ” sister-in-
law, Miss Beth Sperry, soon after old man Carpentier, of
Oakland, refused to buy it for his little niece, Miss Maude
Burke, before the latter became Lady Bache-Cunard.
CHAPTER II.

From the San Francisco Examiner I copy the follow-
ing article:

““So frequent has the exchange of American dollars
for European titles become that the public hardly realizes
what it means. The papers chronicle the engagement
between the daughter of an American multi-millionaire
and the scion of some impoverished, but long-pedigreed,
noble house across the water. Pictures of both the
young people appear in the larger papers throughout the
country, in which pictures the beauty of the girl is gener-
ally in vivid contrast with the insignificant appearance of
the man.

“Then follow columns upon columns concerning the
trousseau and wedding preparations; finally a brilliant
account of the marriage, and generally a year later
divorce proceedings or something of that sort.

‘©The American public has almost ceased even to make
fun of this remarkable barter of American girls. The
average citizen is only mildly interested, and if he thinks
about it at all dismisses it from his mind with the com-
forting belief that for every millionaire’s daughter who
carries her father’s hard-earned dollars across the ocean
to be expended in paying gambling debts or refurnishing
wornout estates, there are a half hundred left. People
consider the supply inexhaustible, but a careful investiga-
tion of the facts shows a state of affairs that is perfectly
astounding.

‘A complete list of allthe marriages of American women

14
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 15

to titled men, for the past thirty-five years, shows that
at least TWO HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS have gone away
from this country in that period.

‘¢ What is even more alarming is the fact that eighty per
cent. of this huge sum represents the marriages of the
past six years only. This shows how the foolish fashion
is growing. California has had more than her share of
the burden to bear. Seven California girls have taken
away from this State alone nearly twenty millions of dol-
lars, or ten per cent. of the entire amount, in exchange for
seven titles, most of which are both shabby and shop-worn.

‘¢ Prince Colonna has probably cost, up to date, in the
neighborhood of five million dollars; Prince Hatzfeldt,
an equal, if not a larger, sum. Prince Poniatowski came
cheaper; a quarter of a million was about his price.
Viscount Deerhurst and Lord Hesketh cost in the neigh-
borhood of two and five million dollars respectively.
The dot of Lord Wolseley’s California bride was probably
something under a million, but with moderate luck Sir
Bache-Cunard will get some two millions of old man Car-
pentier’s accumulation of dollars, as his bride, Miss
Burke, is the Oakland capitalist’s favorite niece, and
should come in for a large slice off his estate.

‘The appended list of American girls who have married
titles has been carefully verified.* It speaks for itself, and
shows an expenditure of about two hundred millions for
some seventy titles, most of which are out of date.

‘* Anglesley.—The Marchioness of Anglesley was Miss
Mary Livingston King, daughter of J. P. King of Sandhills,
Ga. She was the widow of the Hon. Henry Wadehouse
of England, and was married in 1880 to Henry Paget,
fourth Marquis of Anglesley. The Marchioness of
Anglesley took $250,000 to England.

* By the Examiner.
16 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

“‘ Agreda.—The Countess Casa de Agreda was the
widow of George Lorillard, and took ¢1,000,000 abroad.

““Amadei.—The Countess Amadei was Miss Mary
Lewis, daughter of T. Lewis of Connecticut. She
carried $100,000 abroad with her.

“ Aylmer.—Lady Aylmer was Miss Ann Reid, the daugh-
ter of T. Douglass Reid of New York, and the divorced
wife of George Steele of Chicago. In 1883 she was mar-
ried to Sir Anthony Percy Fitzgerald Aylmer of Dono deo
Castle, Kildare, from whom she was divorced in 1886.
Lady Aylmer took to England a quarter of a million.

‘¢Bache-Cunard.—Lady Bache-Cunard was Miss Maud
Burke of Oakland, Cal.,* a niece of Horace Carpentier.
She was married in 1895, and her do¢ may reach $2,000,000
upon her uncle’s death. Her marriage settlement was
probably a large one.

‘‘Brancaccio.—Princess Salvatore Brancaccio, wife of
an Italian prince of the House of Savoy, was Miss Eliza-
beth Field of New York. She married twenty-five years
ago and carried a fortune of $1,000,000 to her Italian
home.

‘‘Blackwood.—Lady Terence Blackwood was Miss Flora
Davis, daughter of John H. Davis of New York. She
was married in 1893 to Lord Terence John Temple
Blackwood, second son of the Earl of Dufferin and Ava,
the British Ambassador to Paris. Fortune of $200,000.

“« Butler.—Lady Arthur Butler was Miss Ellen Stager of
Chicago, daughter of the late General Anson Stager,
United States Army. She was married in 1887 to Lord
James Arthur Wellington Faley Butler, second son of
the second Marquis of Ormonde. Lady Butler
carried $1,000,000 to England.

* She was engaged to penniless Prince Poniatowski in 1894, but that

mercenary wretch jilted her because her uncle refused to ‘“ put up”
ready cash,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 17

‘“*Castellane.—Countess de Castellane was Miss Anna
Gould, daughter of Jay Gould. In March, 1895, she was
married to Count Jean Paul Boniface de Castellane.
Countess de Castellane carried the greatest fortune which
has ever gone abroad with a bride. Her inheritance, most
of which will be spent in France, amounted to $15,000,000.

“*Churchill.—Lady Randolph Churchill was Miss Jennie
Jerome, daughter of Leonard Jerome of New York. She
was married in 1874 to the Rt. Hon. Lord Randolph
Spencer Churchill, third son of the seventh Duke of
Marlborough. Lady Randolph Churchill took $200,000
to England with her.

‘¢Colonna.—The Princess of Galatio, Colonna, and of
Stigliano was Miss Eva Julia Bryant Mackay, daughter
of Mr. and Mrs. John W. Mackay of New York and
Lonaon.* In 1889 she married Prince Ferdinand Co-
lonna. The princess took abroad with her the income of
$5,000,000.

‘‘Craven.—The Countess of Craven was Miss Cornelia
Martin, daughter of Mr. and Mrs. Bradley-Martin of
New York. She was married in 1894 to the Earl of
Craven. The Countess of Craven carried $1,000,000 to
England.

““Cumming.—Lady Gordon Cumming was Miss Flor-
ence Garner, daughter of William T. Garner. Lady
Gordon Cumming took $1,000,000 to England.

‘¢Frankenstein.—Countess de Frankenstein was Miss
Brewster, daughter of William Cullen Brewster of New
York. She was married in 1894 to Count Henri de
Frankenstein, now of Rome, but a Russian by birth.
Her fortune amounted to $400,000.

‘¢Graham.—Lady Graham of Esk was Miss Eliza Jane

* Tt is said that the Princess Colonna is not Mr, Mackay’s daughter at
all; that she was Mrs. Mackay’s child by ‘‘ a former husband.”
18 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY: OR,

Burn, the daughter of Charles Burn of New York. Her
fortune was small. In1874 she married Sir Robert James
Stuart Graham of Esk, Cumberland.

‘‘Grantley.—Lady Grantley was Miss Katherine Mc-
Vicker, daughter of William Henry McVicker of New
York, and divorced wife of Major Charles Grantley-Norton
of the Twenty-third Fusiliers, who is the uncle of her
present husband, John Richard Brunsley-Norton, Lord
Grantley, whom she married in 1879.

‘“‘Grey-Edgerton.—Lady Grey-Edgerton was Miss May
Cuyler of Morristown, N. J. She was married to Sir
Philip Grey-Edgerton in 1892.

‘‘Hatzfeldt.—Princess Hatzfeldt was Miss Hunting-
ton, daughter of Collis P. Huntington.* She carried
$5,000,000 abroad. It has almost all been spent.

‘““Choiseul.—The Marquise de Choiseul was Miss Claire
Coudert, daughter of Charles Coudert of New York.
She was married in 1892 to the Marquis de Choiseul
of Paris. The Marquise de Choiseul took to France
$100,000.

‘De ca Cez.—The Duchess De ca Cez was Miss Isabella
Singer, daughter of Isaac M. Singer. She carried abroad
with her $2,000,000,

‘‘De Dino.—The Duchess de Dino was Miss Adele
Sampson, daughter of the late Joseph Sampson of New
York, and the divorced wife of Frederick Livingston
Stewart. She married, as the second wife, in 1887,
Maurice, Marquis de Talleyrand-Perigord, Duke de Dino.
The Duchess de Dino took abroad $3,000,000, The first
wife of the Duke de Dino, whose title is Marquise de

*The Princess Hatzfeldt was never known as Mr. Huntington's
daughter. She was supposed to have been the daughter of a man named
Prentiss. She was probably ‘‘ adopted” by Huntington’s ‘* second
wife,” prior to the death of Mrs. Huntington number one.
 

THE “QUEEN” OF SNOB HILL.

“‘T never read either the dailies or the weeklies, I do
not know Mr. Chambliss, and take no interest in the
matter they publish ; therefore society should treat all
such with silence and contempt.’’—Mrs. Crocker’s Jnter-
view, Examiner, March 16th, 1895.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 21

Talleyrand-Perigord, was Miss Curtis of Boston. She
spends most of her time in America.

“‘Devonne.—Countess Devonne was Miss Florence
Audenriel of Washington. She was married in 1891 to
Count de la Forrest Devonne. The countess carried
$200,000 abroad.

‘¢Essex.—The Countess of Essex was Miss Adele Grant
of New York. When she married the Earl of Essex,
several years ago, she brought with her a fortune of
$1,000,000.

‘‘Halkett.—Baroness Halkett was Miss Sarah Phelps
Stokes, daughter of Anson Phelps Stokes of New York.
She was married in 1891 to Baron Hugh Halkett. Baron-
ess Halkett carried $1,000,000 abroad.

“‘Harcourt.—Lady Vernon Harcourt was Miss Eliza-
beth Motley, daughter of the Hon. J. L. Motley, the
historian, and the widow of J. P. Ives. In 1876 she mar-
ried the Rt. Hon. Sir William George Granville Venables
Vernon Harcourt., M. P. Lady Harcourt took to Eng-
land $200,000.

“‘Hesketh.—Lady Fermor-Hesketh was Miss Florence
Emily Sharon, daughter of the late Senator William
Sharon of Nevada.* She married, in 1880, Sir Thomas
George Fermor Fermor-Hesketh, and took to England
$2,000,000,

‘‘Hornby.—Lady Edmund Hornby was Miss Emily
Augusta Roberts, daughter of John Pratt Roberts of
New York. She carried away $100,000.

“‘Kaye.—Lady Lister-Kaye was Miss Natica Yznaga
del Valle, daughter of Senor Antonio Yznaga del Valle of
Cuba and Louisiana. She married Sir John Pepy Lister-
Kaye in 1881. Her fortune was $50,000.

* Senator Sharon’s contract wife (Sarah Althea Terry) is now in an
insane asylum in California. Old ‘‘mammy”’ Pleasant still lives, also.
22 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

‘“‘Kortright—Lady Charles Keith Nortright, Miss
Martha Ella Richardson, daughter of the late John

Richardson of Philadelphia.
<¢ Lante-Monfeltrio,—The Duchess of Lante-Monfeltrio

della Royere was Miss Mathilde Davis, daughter of
Thomas Davis of New York. She took abroad with her
$3,000,000.

‘‘Langier-Villars.—The Countess Langier-Villars was
Miss Carola Livingston of New York. She was mar-
ried to the count in 1893, and took abroad with her
$500,000.

‘¢Linden.—Countess Eberhard von Linden was Miss
Isabella Andrews, daughter of Loring Andrews. She
carried $1,000,000 abroad.

“« Manchester.—Duchess of Manchester was Miss Con-
suelo Yznaga del Valle. She married George Victor
Drogo Montague, Viscount Mandeville, 1876. Her hus-
band succeeded to the title of Duke of Manchester just
before his death, two years ago. Her fortune was small.

‘¢Marlborough.—The Duchess of Marlborough and
Princess Mendelheim was Miss Lillian Price, daughter of
Joshua Price of Troy, and widow of Louis Hammersley
of New York. She was married in 1888 to George
Charles Spencer Churchill, eighth Duke of Marlborough.
The duchess took the income of $7,000,000 to England.

“¢Mores.—The Marchioness de Mores was Miss Medora
Marie Hoffman, daughter of J. Hoffman, the New York
banker. In 1882 she married Antoine de Manca-Smat de
Vallambrosa de Mores and Monte-Maggiore. She took
abroad $5,000,000.

“‘Northcote.—The Hon. Mrs. Northcote was Miss
Edith Livingston Fish, daughter of Hamilton Fish of
New York. She married Sir Arthur Paget. Lady Paget
took $500,000 to England.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS, 23

«*Pappenheim. — Countess Pappenheim was Miss
Wheeler of Philadelphia. She carried $1,000,000 to
Europe upon her marriage with Count Pappenheim.

“ Playfair.—Lady Playfair, wife of Sir Lyon Playfair, was
Miss Edith Russell, daughter of 5. H. Russell of Boston.

“Plunkett.—Lady Plunkett, wife of Sir Francis
Richard Plunkett, was Miss May Tevis Morgan, daugh-
ter of Charles W. Morgan of Philadelphia. She took
$1,500,000 away.

“Poniatowski.—Princess Poniatowski, wife of Prince
Andre Poniatowski, was Miss Beth Sperry of California. *
Her wealth was $250,000.

“ Rochefoucauld.—The Duchess de la Rochefoucauld
was Miss Mattie Mitchell, daughter of Senator Mitchell of
Oregon. She was married to the duke in 1891 and took
with her $300,000.

“‘Rottenburg.—Countess von Rottenburg was Miss
Marian Phelps of New York. Her fortune was small.

“Selliere.—Baroness de Selliere was Miss O’Brien,
daughter of the New York banker and widow of Charles
A. Livermore. She was married in 1892 to Baron Ray-
mond de Selliere, and carried $2,000,000 to France.

“«Sierstoepff.—Countess Sierstoepff was Miss May
Knowlton, daughter of Edwin F. Knowlton of Brooklyn.
She was married in 1873 to Count Johannes von Francken
Sierstoepff. The countess carried abroad $1,000,000.

“‘Scey-Montbeliard.—Princess Scey-Montbeliard was
Miss Winneretta Singer, daughter of the late Isaac M.
Singer. She carried $2,000,000 abroad.

“‘Vernon.—Lady Vernon, wife of Lord George William
Venable Vernon, was Miss Margaret F. Lawrence,
daughter of Francis Lawrence of New York. Lady
Vernon took $1,000,000 to England.

* It is alleged that she is of American Indian extraction.
24 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY ; OR,

“Wolseley. —Lady Wolseley, wife of Sir Charles Michael
Wolseley of Wolseley, Staffordshire, England, was Miss
Anita Theresa Murphy,* daughter of the late Daniel
Murphy of San Francisco. Lady Wolseley took $2,000, -
ooo to England.

‘¢ Vriere.—Baroness de Vriere was Miss Annie Cutting,
daughter of the late Heyward Cutting of New York.
The baroness took abroad $1,000,000.”

What right have those un-Americanized parvenucratic
heiresses, some of whom are said to be uncertain as to
their genealogy, to parade through this country with
those unnatural alien ‘“‘husbands,” purchased with the
ill-gotten gains of their supposed fathers or relatives?
What right have they to come back and beg our judges,
whom they formerly treated with contempt, to divorce
them from the reprobates for whom they deserted their
country and forfeited their birthrights? Why, the
Society for the Prevention of Vice should take up all such
cases. I don’t mean the ‘‘ vice preventers’’ who raided
the dance halls of the M. H. de Young Midwinter Fair,
and made such a sanctimonious parade of the girls whom
they arrested there for indecent behavior, and then never
said a blessed word about the owner of the hall and
leader of that branch of the cotillion industry known as
the ‘‘muscle dance,” that pious old saint and ‘‘salter”
of mines—to the ecstasy of trusting English capitalists—
Alexander Badlam.

The man who marries a woman for her money, no
matter who he is,—prince, duke, count, or any other indi-
vidual, —becomes the property of the woman, the same as
does the Chinese dancing-girl become the property of the

* She wrote some sweet letters in connection with the scandalous
Murphy will contest.
SOCIETY TAS Ti REALE ALS, 25

Dupont Street or Tenderloin District opium fiend who
buys her outright from the dealer in female flesh. The
Chinaman who gces to the market to purchase a wife
always gets more for his money than does the American
heiress who goes shopping for a titled husband ; for no
man, evenif heis a Chinaman, is foolish enough to pay out

 

“Tt's acold day when I get left."—A. Badlam, owner of
the muscle dance hall of the Midwinter Fatr.

good money for a physical wreck, such as some that the
women of the Parvenucracy have paid fabulous prices for.
If those feeble-minded daughters of railroad magnates
and others of the new rich Parvenucracy have a right
to bring their purchased husbands over here, then the
Chinese merchant who owns property enough to entitle
him to a residence certificate has a right to bring his wife
over, provided he can prove that he has paid for her.
26 CHAUBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Those purchased wives and husbands are personal
property, and if they are to be brought to this country at
all, their owners should be compelled to enter them on
their baggage lists as household goods. For instance,
when Miss “Beth” brings the penniless Poniatowski
over, her list of articles, necessary for her comfort and
pleasure on the voyage, should read about as follows :

One steamer trunk,

One valise.

One bundle, done up in a shawl strap, containing fur
robes, rain coat, pillow, etc., etc.

One canary bird, in cage.

One pug lap dog.

One prince (in glass case).

One dozen bottles of perfumery and deodorizers.

In the name of common sense, will our novel-reading
girls never learn that a foreign title amounts to nsthing
more than the paper that it is written on? It makes me
sick to hear ladies mention some of those good-for-noth-
ing titled sports. It is enough to nauseate a pig to hear
such specimens of broken-down humanity referred to as
noblemen.

If the penniless Poniatowski could only induce his new
owner to dress up in good, old-time American style, —the
style of her ancestors, so to speak, —I think she would
make a great hit on the Boulevard, and on Fifth Avenue,
or even on our own Market Street promenade, where
wildness and wool and papoose baskets are fresh in the
memory of men still living in San Francisco.

Of course, that is all bosh about the Sperrys béing
ashamed to admit that there is Indian blood in the
family. It is simply absurd to accuse a man of Mr.
Crocker’s caliber of trying to deny that his wife is of
Indian extraction, just because he does not think that it
SOGIETAV MAS ila ALE Ve ALS. 27

”

sounds nice in ‘‘society,” or perhaps, because he was
fortunate enough to inherit a big slice of Southern Pacific
Railroad stock, and feels that he needs a prince brother-
in-law in the family to give a proper European flavor to
its uncertain standing in for-
eign ‘‘society,” in case he
should be forced to give up
his inherited fortune to help
pay the Government what the
man who left him the money
owed in connection with Mr.
Huntington and other octo-
puses.

And then again, Iam much
inclined to the belief that the
story to the effect that Mrs.
Carolan thinks that Mrs.
Crocker’s manrers entitle her
to the leadership of that
society which we hear of away
up in the Black Hills, where
the ladies wear feathers in
their heads and pack their
papooses about in little bas-

 

kets, artistically strapped on

The style of her ancestors, so
to speak.

their backs, has been very
much exaggerated. Even ad-
mit the fact that Mrs. Crocker did refuse to receive Mrs.
Carolan one day when the latter called on her to say
“‘Good-by,” before going East, that, after all, is only cir-
cumstantial evidence that Mrs. Carolan has said unkind
and cutting things about the ‘‘queen” of Nob Hill, or
“Snob” Hill, as I believe some thoughtless persons call
that part of our city.
28 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

I think that the stately daughter of George M. Pullman,
the ex-cabinet-maker-car-builder, who reduced the wages
of his employees 33% per cent. in order to be able to
purchase a one hundred thousand dollar bond issued by
the disciples of Henry VIII., and payable on presenta-
tion to St. Peter at the Universal Bank of Heaven, is
too muci of a lady to dig up the history of Mrs. Crocker’s
ancestors. Besides this, she has too much pride and
self-esteem, to say nothing of Aawtewr, to bother her head
about such a trifling matter as getting snubbed by a lady
whose ideas of politeness would admit of such a bad
break as refusing to receive, when she was ‘‘not at home
to callers.” Even the daughter of the man who precipi-
tated a strike that paralyzed commerce, and made it
necessary for the President to declare martial law in
Chicago, deserves some consideration. *

The State of California is indebted indirectly to Mrs.
Carolan’s father for causing General W. H. Dimond to
establish, beyond any question or doubt, the fact that
he (Dimond) was eminently qualified to command the
National Guard of California—mwhenever there was no
fighting to be done.

General Dimond was about as far out of place in com-
mand of the militia at Sacramento during the great strike
as is John H. Wise in the office of Collector of the Port
at the present time.

The Chinese Exclusion Act has been a law for several
years, and it would be a good thing if properly enforced
—by honest officers.

* Mr. Pullman took $100,000 from the wages of his employés to pay
for a church to be dedicated to himself. Rather than acknowledge his
hypocrisy, and refund the money, he fled, and allowed Anarchist Debs
and his lawless strikers to destroy millions of dollars of other people’s
property.
 

GENERAL W. H. DIMOND,

The Modern Bombastes Furtoso, N. G. of Cal., who
allowed the State Troops to drink beer with the enemies of
law and order at Sacramento. July, 1893.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 3r

Under this act no Chinese can come into the country
without a certificate showing him to be a resident and a
pfoperty-owner returning froma visit to China—except
those who can raise ready cash enough to pay their way
in through our courts of justice—beg pardon—corruption.
I happen to know positively that the repeated assertions
of our daily papers, the Lxaminer, Call, Report, and
Bulletin, that a great many Chinese come into San Fran-
cisco on bogus certificates, are only too true. 1 occu-
pied a position in the Pacific Mail Steamship Company
that enables me to verify not only the statements that
Chinese by the hundreds have been admitted on payment
of certain fees to our corrupt officials, but also, that tons
upon tons of contraband goods, such as opium and silk,
have been smuggled in by certain dishonest officials of the
United States Customs service and their colleagues in
knavery.

Idon’t mean the hard-working inspectors who get
three dollars per day for searching the baggage of pas-
sengers, and watching, day and night, the officers of
ocean steamers in port, and occasionally, for the sake of
appearances, arresting some poor quartermaster or
engineer for trying to bring a silk handkerchief ashore for
some lady friend : I mean such persons as ex-Deputy Col-
lector of Port John T. Fogarty, and his partner Whaley,
and such well known local ‘‘business men” as arch-
smuggler Bernard Reiss, of Newberger, Reiss & Co.

Iwas connected with the Pacific Mail service, and
Spreckel’s line, from 1887 to 1891, and made a great many
voyages to Japan and China, Panama, Mexico, Central
America, Australia, Honolulu, and other foreign places.

Apropos of bogus Chinese ‘‘ certificates of previous resi-
dence,’ I have seen with my own eyes numbers of them.
Chinese passengers en route to San Francisco have come
32 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

to me during voyages and asked me to give them a descrip-
tion of the signers of their return certificates which they
had purchased in China. Many of those papers were
signed by Mr. Fred Davis, ‘‘ the Chinatown detective” of
the Palace Hotel, and formerly bodyguard to the late
Senator Sharon, of divorce court ‘‘ fame.”

If the following certificates are not sufficient proof that
I know what I am talking about, I will, after reproducing
these papers, give a few extracts from my private diary,
which I have kept for the past twelve years, during which
time I booked thousands of full names in connection with
many cold, stubborn facts, which I shall not hesitate to
lay before an honest law-abiding public. These certif-
cates will show that the positions that I held undoubtedly
brought me into contact with various classes of society
during the performance of my regular duties. Therefore
I present them just as they are:

Acency Paciric MAIL SrEAMSHIP CoMPANY.
ALEXANDER CENTER, Gen’l Agent,
SAN FRANcIsco, March 16, 1892.
To whom this may concern .

This is to certify that Mr. W.H. Chambliss entered this company’s
service as quartermaster of the Steamship City of New York, November
g, 1887, and that on November 15, 1889, he was appointed third officer
of the Steamship City of New York, and served in that capacity until
October 29, 1890, when he was transferred to the Steamship Czy of Pe-
hing, and served as third officer of that vessel until October 21, 1Sq1,
when he went East on a leave of absence, since which date he has not
returned to duty on account of his health.*

Mr. Chambliss, during his term of service in the Company, has always
performed his duties with entire satisfaction to the Company in every
way. (Signed) ALEXANDER CENTER,

* There was nothing wrong with my bodily health ; but I did not care
to endanger the health of my reputation by remaining in the Pacific
Mail Company after it fell into the hands of C. P. Huntington.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 33

Pacific Mai STEAMSHIP COMPANY.
S. S. ‘ Crry oF PEKING.”

SAN FRAnNcIsco, June 7, 1894.
To whom it may concern .

This is to certify that Mr. W. H. Chambliss has served as an officer
of the Pacific Mail Steamship Company, as follows :

He entered the service as quartermaster of the Steamship City of New
York (3,019.56 tons), November 9, 1887, and was promoted to the
position of third officer of the same vessel November 15, 1889, and
served in that capacity until October 29, 1890, when he was transferred
to the Steamship City of Peking (the largest ship in the fleet, 5,019.62
tons), and served as third officer of that vessel until he went East on a
leave of absence, since which time he has not returned to duty on account
of his preferring to remain East, rather than continue in the service on the
Pacific.

Mr. Chambliss, during his term of service as an officer of this Company,
has given entire satisfaction.

Rost, R, SEARLE, Senior Captain P. M. S. S. Co.*
Commanding S. S. City of Peking.

* Captains Searle, Cavarly, Seabury, Clark, Ward, Mortensen, Smith,
Friele, Dow, Taylor, Johnston, Russell, Pitts, Passmore, and others whom
I have met, were in the Pacific Mail Service many years before Hunting-
ton ever had anything to do with the institution. When Mr. Huntington
took charge, as president, he showed his appreciation of the long and
faithful services of the old officers by reducing their salaries from $3000
a year to $2400, And then, as if to add parvenu insult to robber baron
injury, Mr. Huntington placed ‘* Lieutenant” Schwerin in the position
of ‘t manager,” over the heads of Messrs. Center, Rice, Wiggins, Green,
Avery, Armstrong, and other practical men who had /orgotfen more
about managing the company than little '‘ Lieutenant” (?) Schwerin ever
knew,
CHAPTER III.

I LANDED in San Francisco in November, 1887.

Prior to the morning of my arrival the idea of coming
here to stay had never entered my head.

I had read a great deal about California, and had
heard many interesting stories from men who had been
here.

Wonderful tales were told of the ease with which
large fortunes were accumulated during the excitement
of the mad rush for the gold regions, and later on in the
fifties. I had met several gentlemen in New York,
Philadelphia, and New Orleans, who had come out to
California in ’49, made fortunes in the mines, and then
returned to their old homes in the East and South, ‘‘to
enjoy the fruits of their labors.”

So enthusiastic were those gentlemen in sounding the
praises of the ‘glorious climate of California,” that a
person would feel tempted, at first, to ask them why they
ever left such adelightful country. Anattentive listener
to their stories generally could draw his own conclusions
without asking any questions.

They pointed out. the vast resources of the State, and
spoke of the opportunities that single men, who would do
as they had done, would find here to make money enough
in a few years with which to return to ‘‘ The States’ and
settle down.

One thing, however, that impressed itself upon my
youthful mind as being rather extraordinary, was the
fact that those men who had made cheir fortunes in

34
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 35

California, and invariably referred to the State in such
flattering terms of praise, had not one good word for San
Francisco’s alleged high society. They never thought of
advising a young man to come to San Francisco to live;
but, on the contrary, their advice to men coming West
was to return to the ‘‘States”’ when they were ready to
get married and settle down. They declared that very
few of the people who remained in San Francisco were
of the class that would do to grace New York or New
Orleans drawing rooms.

Married men who were determined to bring their wives
out here were advised to steer well clear of San Fran-
cisco. They were told that any place in the State, even
Sacramento and Oakland not excepted, would be better
for married gentlemen who entertained hopes of raising
children of their own.

According to some ofthe ‘‘wise menof the East,” there
seemed to be something in the climate of California that
was peculiarly antagonistic to the most sacred laws for
the government of domestic happiness and modern
civilization.

This remarkable climate was more destructive to family
peace and happiness in San Francisco than in any other
part of the State.

But there were others, however, who stoutly maintained
that the climate had nothing to do with the peculiar state
of affairs in some of the alleged best families of the city,
whose social pretensions could not be kept up, even in
San Francisco society, except on a financial basis.

The defenders of the climate declared that it was the
nature of those persons to be bad, and that bad blood
would be the same in any climate. And they went on in
defense of the climate by mentioning the indisputable
fact that they could name a great many families in San
36 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Francisco who were just as nice and refined as any to be
found in the East, or South.

Those descendants of the F. F. V.’s, for instance, who
moved West after the close of the Civil War, should not
be classed with the arch parvenu element that ascended
from Lieddsdorff Street grog shops to Nob Hill mansions
at one stride.

But those of the bad climate theory refused to give in;
their arguments being based mainly upon the fact that
some of the worst people in the city were supposed to be
all right until they were found out.

So there the case rested.

However, this difference of learned Eastern opinion
concerning the cause of San Francisco’s numerous social
eruptions amounted to nothing, for, whatever the cause,
the effect was a matter of fact that was universally con-
ceded.

The general opinion of the most liberal-minded men of
the East and South, who spoke from actual experience, was
that San Francisco’s alleged society was in such a state
that it would require many generations to purify it so
that it would be prudent for a young married couple to
undertake to live here for any length of time without
losing confidence in one another. They said that there
were more divorces in San Francisco in a given time
than in any city in the world of twice its size; some of
those getting divorces never taking the precaution of
having them recorded. And in addition to this, they
could name many prominent men of wealth who posed
as leading members of the alleged best society, and kept
second establishments, and raised two families at the
same time.

An instance was related of a judge, surnamed Heyden-
felt, who sat on the bench and dealt out justice to the
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 39

public for a long time. When this judge’s lawful wife
died, he thought to consolidate both ‘‘families”’ under
one roof, by moving his other wife and illegitimate heirs
into the house with his lawful children. Of course, these
latter objected to having their father’s mistress take the
chair just made vacant by the death of their mother, who,
Iam told, was a good-hearted woman, and endured for
years this shameful treatment of her husband rather than
seek a legal separation. It was then that this ‘‘judge”
informed his legitimate children that if they were not
satisfied with his decision they could leave the house, and
appeal to a higher court. This little incident did not
affect the judge’s standing in Nob Hill ‘‘ society,” for he,
like several other San Francisco ‘‘ judges,” had money,
and money is the god of Nob Hill.

Of course, it would be extremely unjust to condemn
the alleged best society of any large city on account of
the actions of a few dozen of its prominent members;
but older men than I am, and men who have had large
experience in the world, hold to the argument that if San
Francisco’s alleged high society was any part of what it
ought to be, to say nothing of what it pretends to be, it
would never tolerate such characters as are to be found
in its membership.

Judging from the fact that some persons can do almost
anything and still be received into some of the wealthiest
homes, and also at the gatherings of the alleged ultra
“set,” any thinking person is bound to come to the con-
clusion that the majority of the alleged best element is
made up of very coarse material.

When a man can marry his common-law stepmother,
and take her into ‘‘society,” and flaunt her name in the
papers asa ‘‘belle,” it is time to protest.

It is bad enough for the father of grown-up sons to
40 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

keep a second establishment ; but when one of those
drunken sons marries the mistress of his father’s com-
mon law home, the limit of depravity seems to have been
stretched beyond comprehension.

While it is quite true that many of the wealthy men of
the city came here without anything, not even common
school education,—some of them having been born of
parents who never knew what it was to live outside of
the humblest sections of New York, or some of the other
large cities of the East, and Europe, where people descend
to the lowest depth of degradation to be found outside of
China,—we would naturally suppose that, with the ac-
cumulation of wealth, those persons would make some
effort to show a little more appreciation of the good for-
tune that circumstances, in many instances, have thrust
upon them since they came here. I do not mean those
who have made their way in the world by honorable deal-
ings with their fellow-man ; I mean those vultures, of the
dive-keeper, saloon-keeper, and gambling house-keeper
element, who came here to prey upon the generosity and
hospitality of the reputable classes of citizens who made
California what she is to-day, in spite of the opposition of
the S. P. R. R. faction of the Parvenucracy.

Nobody envies those vultures in the possession of their
accidentally and dishonestly acquired wealth, except,
perhaps, the commonwealers and strikers, and even those,
bad as they are, would hesitate about exchanging places
with some of the alleged society lights, if reputations and
past records had to be exchanged, and those of the latter
published in the papers.

Nobody wants the Parvenucracy to divide its wealth
among the poor, and go back to its original occupations,
and it is very ridiculous for it to think so, because all
intelligent citizens know that there are too many saloon-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 4t

keepers and hod-carriers and men of that ilk out of
employment already, while the city is very much over-
supplied with ‘‘clairvoyants” and ‘‘ massage artists”
and other females of that class. It is utterly useless for
such creatures to undertake to deceive the public as to
what they really were before they struck the streak of
good luck that enabled them to go forth and display their
ignorance and arrogance tothe world. Youcan teli them
as far as you can see them. But, after all, if those
creatures tried very hard, they could at least master the
common rules of politeness, which would give them the
appearance of a better breed of swine, if nothing more.
You can never expect to change a pig’s real nature,
but you can, by shutting him out, prevent him from
rooting up your front yard and spoiling your flower
beds.

The Parvenucracy makes itself very conspicuous in
large crowds, at the park, at the opera, at the race track,
and around the hotels and summer resorts. The height
of its ambition seems to be to make indifferent people
believe that it belongs to some “exclusive set.”

More particularly noticeable are the members of the
Parvenucracy when they manage to get into social
gatherings of really well-bred, cultured, refined society.
They sometimes secure invitations to nice places through
the courtesy, or rather, I should say, the carelessness, of
some business acquaintance who may be on the ragged
edge of a polite set, or is perhaps an optimist.

Then after they get in they are in perfect agony from
the time they enter the house until they leave. Being
conscious that they are out of their element, they feel
their position keenly, and, in desperation, they put forth
their best efforts to act like the rest of the assemblage.
But in this they only remind you of the Anglo-maniac,
42 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

who, undertaking to impersonate the English dude, only
succeeds in imitating his valet.

I saw a striking instance of this kind at a little gather-
ing in Yokohama, in honor of the Duke of Newcastle.
The duke is a very unpretentious little man, and he isa
cripple besides. One of his legs is several inches shorter
than the other. His man-servant, who accompanies him
everywhere, is a typical dude. A young nincompoop
named Blanchard, from San Francisco, who had never
seen the duke, succeeded, by some means or other, in
getting in, and was standing near the door, when a naval
officer greeted him with, ‘‘ How is the duke this even-
ing?” The poor fellow, thinking that the officer had
mistaken /zm for the duke, began to swell out like a toad,
and gasp for breath. Before he recovered his voice
sufficiently to enable him to reply, the officer discovered
his mistake, and apologized to him by saying, ‘‘ Excuse
me, old man, I thought you were the duke’s boy.”

Speaking of the duke, I wonder if some of our ‘‘ society
belles” remember how they followed him up and down
the coast from one summer resort to another during his
visit to California in the spring of 1893. Many of those
“belles”? will, no doubt, remember the time that they
rushed over to San Rafeal, looking their prettiest, when
they heard that the duke was going there to see the
Fourth of July tennis tournament. The grounds of the
Hotel Rafael and the tennis court certainly presented a
beautiful appearance on that occasion, for some of the
prettiest girls in San Francisco were there. Those who
have seen as many San Francisco girls as I have, know
what that means.

It was a study that Mr. Wores or Miss Foster should
have immortalized on canvas, to watch the expressions
on their pretty faces while Basil Wilberforce, the lawn
SOCIETY AS Il REALLY TS. 43

tennis fiend, was piloting the duke around the grounds,
before the doubles commenced.

I felt a little sorry for some of the girls whose mothers
had persuaded them to go, for it certainly looked pitiable
to see so many lovely young women drawn up ina line,
as it were, for a man so little favored by nature as the
duke to take his pick from.

When I went over to San Rafael a year later, to see the
famous Hardy-Driscoll tennis contest, July 4, 1894, I
noticed in the crowd quite a number of people who were
there during the summer of ’93. Among those, I took
particular notice of a little blond-haired woman, with a
complexion that reminds you of sliced peaches and cream.
She sat around the hotel and the tennis court with a
languid air, and a forlorn look on her once pretty face,
that would have led you to believe that she had lost her
last friend. She was the very personification of unhappi-
ness. I could hardly believe that she was really the same
bright, high-spirited young woman who, only one short
year before, went over to San Rafael with the avowed
intention of capturing the duke, and, failing in that under-
taking, did the next best thing, by taking charge of the
champion of the day—for the day only.

Inspired by curiosity, I asked a mutual acquaintance if
he could tell me what ailed the unhappy little creature.

This acquaintance explained that after the duke went
away the poor broken-hearted girl had married the first
man that she could get. ‘*Come over to the club-
house,”’ said the acquaintance, ‘‘and I will show you what
she married.”

We walked over to the club, and there, leaning over
the bar, in company with a lot of other feeble-minded
nincompoopish dudes, stood the husband, a great, stupid,
overgrown, flabby specimen of humanity, with a big
44 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

vulgar red face, and regular bologna-sausage and sauer-
kraut cheeks, that almost rested on his disgustingly
rounded shoulders. Altogether, he was a curious looking
individual, and he could safely be called, what Alex
Kenealy would term, a typical! mutton-head. Just what
the little blonde who married this beautiful specimen of
manhood should be called, I will let the reader decide.

These were not by any means the only interesting
persons whom I saw at San Rafael.

Besides Mr. Wilberforce, who always makes people
weary when he attempts to talk, and Webster Jones, who
is always talking about the quantities of wine consumed
at the latest parvenu dinner party,—but never mentions
his father-in-law’s ‘‘ business,” or past record (?),—and
Charley Hoag, who was looking around to see if there
was anybody in the crowd whose name he did not have
in the Blue Book ; and “Billy” Barnes, who ruined his
prospects of getting the nomination of the ‘‘ Octopus”
party for governor, by publishing his picture in the
IFave ; and Ward McAllister, Jr., whom C. P. Hunting-
ton appointed to a fat position, as Pacific Mail attorney,
in order to curry favor with a certain leader of some of
New York’s prominent dancing people, there were some
remnants of a crowd of silly parvenus who disgusted
everybody of any refinement at the Sea Beach Hotel,
Santa Cruz, in June, 1893, by putting ‘‘ private parlor”
signs on the reading room door.

Among those remnants there was one young woman
who made her ‘‘ debut,” through the newspapers, three
or four years ago, and is still single in spite of the fact
that her name appears in the “ society,” columns of cer-
tain papers all the time. Her father uses her name in
the ‘‘society”’ columns asa free advertisement for his
profession.
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 47

Occasionally her picture comes out (this costs money)
accompanied with a lot of taffy about her beauty, which
is, in fact, purely imaginary. Mr. Anthony E. Kaeser,
a young society man from East Oakland, in speaking of
the young woman’s mouth, remarked that had it been
made any larger, her father, who is a ‘‘ prominent”
doctor, would have been obliged to set her ears further
back in order to permit of the additional enlargement.

Some men have an aversion for big-mouthed women;
but the young naval lieutenant, who will be away at sea
a good portion of his married life, could scarcely fail to
congratulate himself on that score, if he really intends
to marry her at all.

Apropos of the ‘‘prominent ” doctor, it is a well known
fact that he has acquired nearly all of his ‘‘ prominence”
through the fake society reporters whom he hires to
write up the doings of his wife and daughter.

The rest of his ‘‘ popularity’ he gained by endorsing
the ‘‘new discoveries ” of patent-medicine men and corn
doctors.
CHAPTER IV.

Havine already stated the fact that I came to San
Francisco about seven years ago, it might, perhaps, be
a good idea to let the reader know how I got here.

I did not come out on one of those railroad passes
especially designed for the accommodation of senators and
congressmen and such other politicians as may be willing
to take pay for voting against any and all propositions to
compel Messrs. Huntington, Crocker, and others to pay
that seventy million dollar debt that the Southern Pacific
Company owes the United States.

I did not beat my way out, either, but I have often won-
dered whether or not the public ever stops in the middle
of a political campaign to consider seriously which one
of the three individuals is the worst rascal: the man with-
out money or employment, commonly called the tramp,
who may be in search of honest work when he steals a
ride on the brake of a freight car; the smooth-tongued
‘‘gentleman”’ who is elected to office on his solemn
promise to vote honestly, and then, as soon as he is
elected, shows his true colors by voting in the opposite
direction; or the railroad magnate, who issues passes
to the dishonest office holder, as part payment, on account,
for acting dishonorably with his constituents.

The dishonest office holder who accepts the hospitality
of railroad companies, and rides free while he is in office,
is a worse thief a hundred times over than the poor

tramp, because he robs the honest people who put him
48
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 49

into office, while the tramp only steals a ride from a
gigantic corporation of freebooters.

Apropos of the author, Iam an American citizen. I
was born in Claiborne County, Miss., on the r5th of
November, 1865. Myancestors on both sides of the house
were among the earliest settlers of Claiborne and Jeffer-
son Counties, they having gone there, from Virginia,
about the year 1790. They did not go there empty-
handed, but carried with them their slaves and mules,
and developed the agricultural resources of the greatest
cotton State in the Union, incidentally killing off the
troublesome Indians as they went along.

For full particulars concerning my ancestors and rela-
tives after they went to Mississippi, see the history of
that State, and note the names of the Harpers, Dardens,
Calhouns, Campbells, Whitneys, Comptons, Valentines,
Hubbards, Hastings, Smiths, Bolles, Georges, Chaineys,
Corbins, Martins, and Zollicoffers.

Many of my relations reside in Virginia and the Caro-
linas. The early part of my life was spent on what was
left (after Grant got through) of the old cotton planta-
tion, with my parents, brothers, and sister.

My father, who in 1861 was classed as one of the solid
financial men of the South, was fifty years old at the
close of the war. Finding himself at that age with a
large family, and not a dollar in the world,—his entire
estate having been swept away by the fall of the Con-
federacy as if by a cyclone,—he adopted that which he
considered the wisest course for him to pursue during the
few remaining years of his life: He became a country
school teacher, and devoted his time to the instruction of
the children of his friends and neighbors. He never
took his own children to his school ; we had a nice little
private school at home, with mother for teacher.
5° CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

At the age of ten I was sent to the little country school
of Mrs. Elizabeth Pattison Montgomery, near the spot
where the town of Martin, Miss., now stands.

My father died when I was fourteen, at which time I
was still attending Mrs. Montgomery’s school.

My father was buried in the private burying plot in the
cedar grove in front of the old family residence of his
father and mother.

Of the many good things that his old friends had to say
on the occasion of the funeral, I shall never forget the
words of Mr. J. D. Phillip: ‘*‘The worst thing that I ever
knew him to do was to swear ; and he commenced that
when he heard of the election of Abraham Lincoln. He
was a careful observer, and he foresaw the terrible de-
struction that the ascendency of fanaticism was bound to
bring to American peace and happiness.”

Having a pretty good idea of my mother’s limited
income, and having been brought up with the old reliable
American idea that all legitimate labor is honorable, I
decided to do something for myself.

An opportunity presented itself in this way :

In the autumn of 1881 I read an advertisement in the
New York /Veekly Sun, setting forth the fact that the
National Publishing Company of Philadelphia required
the services of a few agents to procure subscribers for a
publication entitled ‘‘ The Life of President Garfield.”

I dispatched a letter to the publishers informing them
that my services were at their disposal provided they
would give me the agency for Claiborne County. By
return mail I received a satisfactory letter, and later a
prospectus of the book and a package of orders for sub-
scriptions.

Upon speaking to a schoolmate of my intentions I was
laughed at; but that did not discourage me. Acting
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 51

upon a piece of quiet advice from headquarters, I called
upon the most influential gentleman in the county,
Colonel James S. Mason, editor and proprietor of the
Southern Reveille, Port Gibson, Miss. The result of this
call was the first newspaper notice that I ever received.
This notice, setting forth the fact that I was the duly
appointed agent for the National Publishing Company,
and that the book was a splendid work, and winding up
with the editor’s ‘‘trust that the sprightly boy who will
call upon you may be patronized to encourage him,”
had an affect upon the citizens of my native county
that opened my eyes concerning the power of the
press.

From that time on my success as a book agent was
assured.

I soon became anxious to extend my territory beyond
the county lines, and with that object in view I wrote to
headquarters, and received a letter telling me to ‘go
right ahead wherever I could sell books fastest.” I dd
‘¢go ahead,” and what that section did not know of the
life of our lamented president by the following Fourth of
July was hardly worth knowing.

Just how many books I would have sold I can only
judge from the fact that I secured four orders from
every five heads of families that I called upon. All that
Ihad to do was to say that the Aever/le endorsed the
book, and out would come $2.50.

In the midst of my success 1 received a set-back.
Having bought a small forty-one caliber pistol, I pro-
ceeded to learn how to shoot, and, in so-doing, shot my-
self. The ball entered my right calf, and ranging down-
ward lodged near the ankle joint, where it remained—
thanks to the surgical skill of Dr. John W. Barber of
Port Gibson—for ten years. I had the ball extracted by
52 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

Dr. McNutt in San Francisco, in 1892, after having
carried it around the world.

The accidental wounding of myself upset my plans
completely. It wasa long time before I could walk with-
out great pain; but I was young then, and in due time
the ball became encysted, and I started out again on new
lines. I went to Philadelphia and became a reporter on
the staff of the Zzmes, under City Editor Julius Chambers.
Mr. Chambers is at present editor of the New York
Recorder.

While in the capacity of reporter I heard of the United
States Naval Training Squadron, which at that time was
offering special inducements to boys of my age who
desired to ‘“‘see foreign countries and become officers.”

After thinking the matter over after a fashion, I decided
to abandon the position of reporter and go into the
schoolships, and learn navigation and seamanship.

On the Fourth of July, 1886, I found myself on board
the United States ship A@cnnesota, at New York, along
with about two hundred other boys. I had been in the
Naval Training Squadron nearly two years then; had
passed through the regular courses of training on the
New Hampshire, at Newport, R. I., and on board the
cruising schoolship Portsmouth, in which latter vessel I
had served thirteen months, during which time a cruise
had been made to Europe and return, and also a six
months’ cruise to the West Indies and return.

To some good, honest citizens it may seem strange
that I should in this volume give detailed accounts of the
doings of certain officers of the United States Navy,
whose acquaintance I made during the period of three
years and a quarter that I spent in the service of our
country.

In explanation I wish to say that the officers herein
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 53

described are well known in this country; some of them
having actually married San Francisco and New York
society girls. Besides this, our naval officers are received
into the best society the world over. They are, in fact,
our nearest approach to titled aristocracy. To this latter
reason, principally, is due the fact that they are always
in demand in the better elements of society, as well as at
the gatherings, public and private, of our coarse, vulgar,
un-Americanized Parvenucracy. Therefore, I think it
would be a serious mistake on my part to omit some
information that I possess concerning certain officers.
With a few exceptions, the officers of our navy are well.
educated, well-bred, courteous men; good-hearted, whole-
souled, and honorable to a degree that is truly refreshing
to a person who has traveled among the Parvenucracy.
I take pleasure in saying that our naval officers are gen-
tlemen as a rule, and it is with a feeling of regret that I
admit that there are some painful exceptions to this truly
good rule.

To know a man well, it is necessary to have seen him
under a great variety of circumstances. What I know
about these gentlemen I could never have learned at all
had I not sailed on the same ships with them. Ido not
wish to be misunderstood, so I will say, right here, that I
consider the worst naval officers whom I shall undertake
to describe several degrees higher in the social scale than
the shoddyites who run after them, dine them, wine them,
cart them around the city,—when they are sober enough
and will condescend to go,—and offer them their daugh-
ters, when there are no princes, lords, dukes, counts, or
other drunken, blear-eyed, deformed, broken-down, for-
eign fortune-hunting sports in the country. When any
of these latter are here the naval officers are not ‘‘in it.”

fam obliged to admit the deplorable fact that, particu-
54 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

larly among the younger officers, from the ensigns of the
senior grade on down through the ranks of ensigns of
the junior grade, and cadets on their first cruises, there
are to be found a few of the sorriest specimens of the
true American gentleman that I have ever seen.

While Iam loath to admit that some of these young
fellows seem to have never in their lives possessed one
iota of the requisite instinctiveness of anything above
upstarts, and that they are getting worse and worse all
the time, I am thankful that my experience in the school-
ships of the service enables me to point out the causes
that render such a state of affairs possible.

The older officers, from the admirals and commodores
on down to the lieutenants, deplore the fact that the posi-
tions which they have filled with such credit to them-
selves and their country must in time be occupied by
such dudes as now get into Annapolis. But these
estimable old veterans are powerless to better the com-
ing conditions. The politicians run things at Annap-
olis, and those whom they send there, to suit themselves,
regardless of the future welfare of the American navy,
the country, or anything else, except the feathering of
their own nests.

First and foremost of all, the present system of officer-
ing the navy is wrong. I will prove the assertion by
facts: The cadets are appointed to the Annapolis Naval
Academy by the congressmen from their respective
districts, as the vacancies at Annapolis occur. These
vacancies do not often occur, and when they get into the
hands of the congressmen they come high. The con-
gressmen, having had their ‘‘legs pulled” during the
campaign by all the political bosses in their respective
districts, have got to devise all sorts of schemes in order
to exist until they are called upon by the moncpolists
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 55

after election; consequently they cannot afford to
appoint a cadet to Annapolis on his merits alone. The
applicant whose father offers the highest bid secures the
the appointment, regardless of merit, good breeding,
common sense, or anything else that a gentleman should
possess. The Parvenucracy, ever on the alert for such
opportunities to place its sons in positions which should
be occupied by sons of representative citizens only, is
filling the navy with nincompoops. At Annapolis the
old adage, ‘‘You must learn to obey before you
can learn to command,” is rapidly becoming obsolete;
therefore, it is no wonder that some of our officers are
regular Anglo-maniacs. Of course the reader remembers
the story of Captain Marryat’s midshipman, who, while
giving orders froma book, gave the command to let go the
anchor while tacking ship in mid-ocean, and then, when
called to account for it by the captain, had the impu-
dence to say that the wind blew the page over. We are
getting lots of Midshipmen Easys in our service under
the present system. The sonsof the Parvenucracy make
very good book sailors, that is, in calm weather.

Some years ago the politicians around Washington
City set up a great howl that it was ‘‘too hard on the
poor cadets to go out to sea before the masts for a few
months for practice each year”; and thus they managed
to get that excellent old rule practically abolished. If
a cadet is too delicate to go through with the course of
training that the seaman who does the fighting on a
man-of-war has to go through, how is that cadet ever to
become a good officer? The politicians do not seem to
take this into consideration at all.

But Iam devoting too much space to people who occupy
only an insignificant place in the kind of society that
Iam dealing with, so I will proceed with my story of the
56 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

trip around the world on the Zssex, and tell a few of the
things that I recorded in my diary about Commander
Jewell, ‘‘Humpty Dumpty” Bicknell, ‘‘ Missionary ”
Wadham, ‘‘Papa” Galloway, “Spunky” Walling,
‘“Count” Fechteler, ‘‘ Billy’? Poundstone, ‘‘ Boozer”
Loomis, ‘‘Dude” Hoggett, Mr. Rodman, Dr. Hawke,
Paymaster Smith, and others.

Having entered the Naval Training Squadron at the
age of eighteen, to take the regular course to enable me
to become an officer in the United States Merchant
Marine Service, I had signed the articles of enlistment
to serve in the navy during minority.

Although my course of training was practically com-
plete at the time of which I speak, I still had more than
a year to serve.

After the boys who enter the schoolships as I did
finish the course on these vessels, it is customary to
place them on board regular men-of-war to serve out the
remainder of their enlistments.

The United States corvette Zssex was at the Brooklyn
Navy Yard, fitting out for a three years’ cruise to China
and Japan. Although I knew that my enlistment would
expire long before the Zssex returned to the United
States, I was delighted when I saw my name on the list
of seventy-four who had been picked from the Training
Squadron to man her for the expedition.
CHAPTER V.

On the second day of September, 1886, the Essex,
fully equipped for the long cruise, cast off her lines from
the dock at the Navy Yard, and swung out into the
East River.

After a good deal of backing and filling as we picked
our way through the great fleet of ferryboats, steamers,
tugs, and every kind of craft imaginable, we passed under
the great Brooklyn Bridge, and steamed on down past
Castle Garden.

Passing the famous Bartholdi Statue of Liberty, on
Bedloe’s Island, on our starboard hand, we went ahead
full speed down the Bay and through the Narrows.

As we steamed on out toward Sandy Hook, we passed
the big Guion Line steamer <A/aska, lying on the sand-
bar with her bow high and dry up out of the water. The
Alaska, bound for Liverpool with a large list of pas-
sengers, had run aground in trying to get out tosea
during a dense fog. It was at high tide when she struck,
and as the water ebbed away she remained hard and fast.
A perfect swarm of tugboats hovered around her, taking
her passengers off and lightening her, so that she could
be floated with the next tide. This was accomplished
eventually, as we saw by the papers after we arrived on the
other side of the Atlantic, a month later.

The £yssex could not begin to carry coal enough to
steam all the way across the Atlantic, so, as soon as we
were clear of the pilot grounds, Commander Theodore
F. Jewell ordered the chief engineer to haul fires and

S7
58 CHAMBLISS’ DLikY ; OR,

lower the smokestack, and send all the black squad—the
firemen and coal heavers—on deck to assist the seamen.

Favored with a fair breeze from the westward, we
made sail to top-gallant sails, and shaped our course for
the Azores, or Western Islands.

Crossing the Atlantic Ocean under canvas is rather
slow work, at best, for any man-of-war. Having an
idle propeller to drag through the water, our progress
was so retarded that the best speed we could make was
about ten knots an hour ; and we could not do that with
anything short of a moderate gale on the quarter. This,
of course, we were not so fortunate as to have all the
time. We had to stop over thirty times during the
voyage to take deep sea soundings. These soundings
made no end of trouble, and on one occasion came very
near causing a duel between two of our most promising
young officers.

Some old whaling captain had reported a sunken rock
somewhere off the coast of the Azores, and the Essex was
ordered to look it up on her way to the Mediterranean.

Lieutenant A. V. Wadham, the navigater,* had charge
of the sounding apparatus, and he detailed a regular crew
to man it, consisting of Ensign Hoggett, Quartermaster
Billy Thompson, Seamen Apprentices Jarrett, Schip-
perus, and myself. The deep sea sounding machine con-
sisted of a wheel or drum two feet in diameter and six
inches wide. Around this drum was wound several
thousand fathoms of very fine copper wire. To the end
of the wire there was attached a piece of brass pipe about
a foot long and two inches in diameter, fitted with a

* The navigating officer of a man-of-war ranks next below the first
lieutenant. The spelling of his title with an ‘‘e” instead of an ‘o” in
the last syllable is a naval technicality, not mentioned in Webster.
Some navigaters are not navigators.
SOGEDT YAS Ti REALLY LS. 59

valve in the lower end so that it would bring up specimens
of sand or mud or anything soft that it might strike on
the bottom. This piece of pipe was called acup. A
sixty pound shot with a hole through it was used for a
sinker. The cup, which was made to fit the hole in the
shot, was fitted with aspring, which held the two together
until they struck the bottom, when the shot became de-

 

U.S. S. £ssex under sail.

tached and remained on the bottom, leaving the cup free
to be hauled up.

The sounding apparatus was placed on the end of the
bridge extending out over the starboard side of the ship,
and it was fitted with indicators, which resembled the
face of a clock, to tally the number of fathoms of wire
out. It was also supplied with a little steam engine to
reel up the wire.

Like everything else on board a man-of-war, there was
* attached to the sound-

,

a lot of ceremony and ‘red tape
ing machine.

Lieutenant Wadham would come up on the bridge, tell
the officer of the deck to stop the ship, and have the
boatswain’s mate sing out for the ‘sounding gang”;
then the fun would commence.

Jarrett and Schipperus would go down to the shot
60 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

locker and bring up a shot; old Billy Thompson would
attach the cup and fit the shot on, and report, ‘‘ All ready,
sir,” to Mr. Wadham, who would then give the order to
‘“‘Heave !”’ which meant to lower the shot down into the
water. My duty in the performance was to look after
the indicator and keep tally of the fathoms of wire out ;
one turn of the drum was a fathom. I was required to
sing out ‘‘ Mark!” at every tenth fathom, so that Mr.
Hoggett could keep tally also. If our figures did not
agree with the indicator when the job was finished, Mr.
Wadham generally told us what he thought of us. He
never called us anything worse than ‘‘land-lubbers,” or
“‘hay-makers,” however, because he was too ‘‘religious ”
to call us anything that would reflect on our ancestors.

Mr. Wadham never used any of those harsh descriptive
adjectives by which the conversation of nearly all sailors
is distinguishable, but I have a strong suspicion that he
frequently thought them.

Sometimes the cup, together with a thousand or so
fathoms of wire, would remain on the bottom to keep
company with the shot ; then we would catch the devil,
so to speak. One day we tried to get a sounding when
there was a heavy sea on. We could get the bottom
without much difficulty, and could tell how many fathoms
were out, but getting the cup back was where the trouble
camein. Theship would drift over the wire, anda rough
place in the copper on the bottom of the ship would cause
it to break off, and down would go the cup. Then we
would reel in what was left of the wire, get the kinks out
of it, put on another cup, and try it again.

After losing about six cups and as many thousand
fathoms of wire, Mr. Wadham decided that Thompson
was to blame for it all, and I know that he was sorry he
was ‘‘ too religious” to swear at him.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 61

“Thompson,” said Mr. Wadham, ‘‘if you lose another
cup you had better get hold of the end of the wire and go
down with it, for you'll be better off down there in Davy
Jones’ locker than on board this ship.”

“Aye, aye, sir,” said old Thompson, as he lowered
the seventh cup over the side. The words were hardly
out of his mouth when the wire, which had got a kink in
it during the excitement, snapped off, and away went the
cup.

In obedience to the command of his superior officer,
Thompson started to dive overboard, but Mr. Wadham
countermanded his order by telling Billy to ‘‘ Belay!”

Mr. Wadham then went aft and reported to Captain
Jewell that it was too rough to take soundings. ‘I think
it’s a d——d nice time for you to discover it, after losing
seven cups,” said the old man, as he sung out to the
quartermaster to ‘‘put her on her course” ; ‘‘ those
cups cost the Government forty dollars apiece.”

The captain then gave standing orders to the chief
engineer to get up steam enough to give the ship steer-
age way whenever there was any sounding to be done.

Mr. Wadham got excited one day, and in trying to
keep the ship from drifting over the wire, he gave the
signals ‘‘go ahead,” ‘‘stop,” ‘‘ back,” ‘‘ go astern,” etc.,
in such rapid succession that the engine-room bell was
kept going like an alarm clock.

The engineer on watch stood it until patience ceased to
be a virtue with him, then he yelled out up through the
ventilator, ‘‘ What in hell’s the matter up there ?”’

Young Lippincott, whose duty it was to pass the word
along, passed it up to Mr. Wadham just as he got it from
the engineer.

‘‘How dare you tell me anything like that?” yelled
Mr. Wadham ; and he ordered Lippincott to go to the
62 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

“mast,” while he sent for Mr. Bicknell, the first
lieutenant. Mr. Bicknell, whom all the boys called
‘Humpty Dumpty” on account of his small stature, and
‘“‘Burnsides”? came up, and Mr. Wadham explained to
him that Lippincott had asked him ‘‘ What in the hell was
the matter with him?” Then Lippincott explained that
he had merely passed along the word as he had got it
from the engineer. That acquitted Lippincott, and
he came up forward and told his friends that Mr. Wad-
ham was crazy. ;

Then Mr. Bicknell walked aft and said: ‘‘Mr. Fech-
teler, what the devil do you suppose is the matter with
Mr. Wadham?” ‘‘T'llbed d if I know,” replied Mr.
Fechteler, as he signaled to the boatswain’s mate to
‘pipe mess gear.”

Mr. Wadham made several other bad breaks which ren-
dered him very unpopular with the boys, right from the
start. Among other things, he wanted us to read the
Bible and sing psalms during our watch below, and he
even volunteered to lead us in prayer ; but these were
not popular studies, for we remembered distinctly that
nothing of the kind was included in the articles of enlist-
ment. So, from that time on, Mr. Wadham became
known as the ‘‘ missionary officer.”

One day he came on deck, called out the ‘‘ sounding
gang,” stopped the ship, and proceeded to take a sound-
ing without reporting to the officer of the deck. Lieu-
tenant B. F. Walling was on watch, and he very promptly
took Mr. Wadham to task for usurping his authority, and
he did it in a way to make the navigater remember it.

Going forward to where the sounding gang was at
work, he addressed Mr. Wadham about as follows:

“What do you mean, sir, by taking charge without
reporting to the officer of the deck ?”

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TIS. 63

’

“T am navigater of this ship,” replied Mr. Wadham,
‘and T have a right to stop her whenever I feel
like it.”

“‘T don’t care ad——n who you are, or what you have a
right todo!” said Mr. Walling ; ‘‘when lam officer of the
deck I want you to respect me as such, and if you don’t
know how to respect the officer of the deck, I'll teach
you.”

By this time all the watch on deck had crowded around,
and some of the boys had roused out the watch below to
see the fun, for there was every prospect of a set-to.
The man-of-war’s-man is a sport, in his way, and nothing
suits him better than a fight. When he can’t get intoa
fight himself, his next greatest pleasure is in seeing others
get battered up. So a fistic encounter between two
officers was not to be missed under any consideration.
For several minutes the two lieutenants made the air
blue with choice nautical language that would hardly do
to repeat in this book. It looked as if one was afraid to
fight and the other dared not. At last Mr. Walling got
tired of the row, and, suggesting to the navigater the
advisability of going to a certain warm place, the name of
which was quite familiar to the boys, he went aft and
began to pace up and down the poop deck, muttering
something about the inaptitude of ‘‘d d missionaries ”
for sea service.

The navigater dismissed the sounding gang, went aft
to the cabin, and reported Mr. Walling to the captain.
He told the ‘‘old man” that Mr. Walling had been
using abusive and vulgar language to him and insult-
ing him in the presence of the crew. This was all summed
up as ‘conduct unbecoming to an officer and a gen-
tleman.”

Captain Jewell rang for his orderly, and sent word up

 
64 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

to Mr. Walling to have his relief called and report to him
at once.

It so happened that-the gentleman who was to relieve
Mr. Walling was no other than Lieutenant A. F. Fechteler,
who is now the son-in-law of our esteemed townsman,
United States District Judge W. W. Morrow of San
Francisco.

Mr. Fechteler was enjoying a quiet afternoon snooze
when the orderly woke him up and informed him of what
had happened, and he made use of some pretty strong
language about the two gentlemen whose differences had
caused him to be so unceremoniously robbed of his
beauty sleep. Possibly he was in the middle of a beauti-
ful dream of the day when he would come to San Fran-
cisco and capture one of the prettiest girls who ever
graced the halls of the Palace Hotel. At any rate, while
putting on his clothes he expressed the opinion that Mr.
Walling ought to have had better sense than to pick a
row with Mr. Wadham, and that the latter was a ‘‘ cussed
fool” for reporting him.

In due time Mr. Fechteler went on deck and relieved
Mr. Walling, and that gentleman went down to the cabin
and reported himself to the captain.

After informing Mr. Walling of the charges which had
been preferred against him by the navigater, Captain
Jewell asked him what he had to say for himself. In a
very few words Mr. Walling told the captain that the
navigater had stopped the ship and takencharge without
notifying the officer of the deck, and that he, as officer of
the deck, had asked the navigater what he meant by it,
and the navigater had insulted him and called him names
in the presence of the crew.

Under the law for the government of the United States
Navy, Captain Jewell could have ordered both Walling
‘sOUsIpNeE ue IOJ
AOI 94} YA ‘vassy oY} UO 0O}-J9G SulaioW AEpuNnS WeYypeM-SUT[e A WeUINaIy oy,

‘HOVAd HO AWIL NI AUTLLVd IVAVN V

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 67

and Wadham under arrest and recommended them for a
court-martial ; but he did not do anything of the kind.
As captain of the ship with orders from the Navy
Department to proceed on out to the Asiatic station, the
old man did not consider it necessary to have such little
misunderstandings recorded in the log book. So he
decided to settle the case in a way that proved satisfac-
tory to everybody, and especially to all the deck officers.

He issued a standing order to the effect that when the
navigater had any deep sea sounding to do, he should
relieve the officer of the deck and look out for the ship
himself while taking his soundings. As it frequently
took an hour, and sometimes two or three hours, to get a
sounding, this would give the deck officer a chance to go
below and take a nap.
CHAPTER VI.

Tue sunken rock that we were sounding for was con-
sidered so dangerous to navigation that it was deemed
advisable to use great caution in approaching it.

The old whaling captain who reported it had given the
position, but the Bureau of Navigation at Washington
wanted it verified by Mr. Wadham before placing it on
thecharts ; hence the great care that we used in “‘ feeling
our way along.” One beautiful morning, when there was
scarcely a ripple on the water, the navigater took his
observations of the sun, and reported to the captain that
we were just ten miles from the dreaded rock. Extra
lookouts were detailed, and a quartermaster was sent
aloft with a long glass to keep a sharp lookout for
breakers. The speed of the ship was reduced to barely
steerage way.

At last we were directly over the dangerous place.
The drift lead with fifty fathoms of line out had been
kept over the quarter all the morning with a picked man
tending it, to report as soon as it touched bottom, In
addition to this, to make it doubly safe, the hand lead
was kept going from the fore chains all the time. All
hands, from the captain to the quarter gunner’s
‘‘chicken,” were on deck, looking over the bows and the
sides of the ship.

The men at the leads kept reporting ‘‘no bottom,”
until Mr. Wadham gave the signal to stop. Surely he
could not have made any mistake about the position !
The captain and ‘‘Humpty Dumpty” had taken obser-

68
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 69

vations, too, and they said that the navigater’s figures
were correct.

We then steamed around on a circular course of a mile,
and described a hollow square, with the lead going all
the time; but still ‘no bottom” at fifty fathoms. Then
we stopped again, and let out seventy-five fathoms, and
then a hundred fathoms with the same results. ‘‘ Very,
very strange,” said the navigater; and everyone else was
of the same opinion.

“Try a deep-sea sounding,” said the captain.

The shot and cup were soon adjusted, and Billy Thomp-
son reported ‘‘ All ready.”

“‘Heave!” said the navigater, and the shot was lowered
into the water, and the drum began to reel off wire.

‘Stand by to stop her on short notice,” said Mr.
Wadham, as the one hundred fathom mark was reached.
The drum kept revolving,—one hundred, two hundred,
three hundred fathoms. ‘What! What!” exclaimed
the navigater; four hundred, five hundred. ‘‘ Great
Heavens ! no bottom yet?” yelled the captain. Soonthe
indicator registered one thousand fathoms, then fifteen
hundred, two thousand. It was now impossible to stop
the wire without breaking it, so we just let her rip.

The three thousand fathom mark went out, and it began
to look as if there was not enough wire on board to reach
“the sunken rock that made it so perilous for ships sail-
ing on the Atlantic.” When the thirty-three hundred
fathom mark was reached, Billy Thompson remarked
that it was the deepest sounding that we had struck.
Just then the wire slackened, and the reel was stopped as
the indicator registered the deepest water that we found
on the whole expedition—3350 fathoms, equal to nearly
four English miles.

Thoroughly satished that American commerce was in
7° CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

no immediate danger from the sunken rock, we aban-
doned deep sea sounding on the Atlantic, and shaped our
course for the Straits of Gibraltar.

Up to that time we had experienced very little trouble
with the weather, and it began to look as if we were to
have an exceptionally fine weather voyage. But old
Neptune had had his weather eye on somebody on board,
and he came down upon us when we were least expecting
him. I think Mr. Wadham was the “Jonah.”

During the mid-watch one night, while we were going
along under topsails and courses, with the wind abeam,
making about nine knots, the quartermaster noticed an
ugly looking cloud up to windward. Lieutenant Fechteler
was officer of the deck, and he gave the order to ‘‘reef
the foretopsail.”

The halliards were lowered away and the weather
braces were rounded in. As the forecastlemen and fore-
topmen went aloft we were greeted with a shower of hail.
The main topmen were sent aloft to lend a hand in reefing
the sail, leaving only the afterguards on deck. While in
this predicament we were struck by a terrific squall that
threw the ship almost on her beam’s ends.

Mr. Fechteler ordered the quartermaster to ‘‘put the
helm bar hard up, and let her go off,”’ but, with the main
sail and main topsail set and the foretopsail lowered, and
the wind abeam, she of course refused to go off, and
instead, rolled over until the entire lee rail was under
water.

It looked as if she would never right herself again.
All hands were called on deck to ‘‘save ship.” Captain
Jewell having been thrown clean out of his bunk, as the
ship keeled over, rushed out on deck and took charge.
The first thing that he did was to order the main sail
clewed up. As soon as this was accomplished she
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TIS. 71

righted herself, and went off before the wind. Thestorm
moderated after the squall, and by sunrise we were run-
ning before a strong breeze with all sail set.

On the evening of October 3 we sighted Cape St.
Vincent light, on the coast of Portugal. This was the
first land that we had seen since we sailed from New
York.

Early on the morning of the 4th we came to anchor in
the harbor of Gibraltar, distance from New York 3526
miles. I shall never forget my first impression of this
great British stronghold. Sailors just call it ‘‘’ The Rock.”’
The great black mass, rising up almost perpendicularly
out of the sea, inspires one at first sight with a feeling of
awe. The more you look at it, the more thoroughly con-
vinced do you become that it is impregnable.

This historical stronghold is called the ‘‘key to the
Mediterranean.” ‘The famous Krupp guns there are too
well known to the readers of the monthly magazines and
Sunday papers for me to perpetrate a lengthy description
of them here. The City of Gibraltar, standing on the
side of the hill, reminds one of Vicksburg, Miss., and it
also resembles Hong Kong, China.

On the gth of October we sailed from Gibraltar, and
on the 15th we arrived in Valletta, Island of Malta. This
island belongs to England, and the harbor of Valletta is
the rendezvous of the British fleet in ‘the Mediterranean.

There are many interesting things in Valletta: The
catacombs and underground passages built by the Knights
of Malta are similar, in a smaller way, to those of Rome.
The historical Cathedral of St. John’s is said to have had
gates of solid gold, and Napoleon Bonaparte is accused
of having taken them away along with other golden
fixtures.

I wanted to buy a Maltese cat to bring home to my
72 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

mother, but was informed that the only one on the island
was owned by the American consul, who had brought it
there from the States. This breed of cats has become
extinct in its native country.

We sailed from Malta on the 21st of October. A
very extraordinary thing occurred on sailing day. The
officers gave a little party on board in the afternoon, and
quite a number of ladies and gentlemen from Valletta
attended. When the party broke up, Paymaster Smith
went ashore in a gondola with some of the ladies, one of
whom, I believe, was a ‘‘friend’’ of Captain Jewell’s.
Something had evidently happened that displeased the
captain, for no sooner had the guests left the ship than
he gave the order to ‘‘unmoor ship and get under way.”
The lines were cast off, and the ship was soon steaming
out of the harbor. A large number of boats anda big
English steamer, coming into port, blocked the narrow
entrance to the harbor so that we had to stop a few
minutes. The paymaster took advantage of the oppor-
tunity by coming off ina small boat. He managed to get
hold of the Jacob’s ladder, and crawled up over the stern
just as the signal was given to ‘‘ go ahead, full speed.”
Young Wade, the mail orderly, who had been sent ashore
on duty, was not so fortunate. He got left in Malta.

The day after sailing two stowaways were found in the
coal bunkers. They were brought on deck, where they
were identified as soldiers of a Royal Scottish Highland
regiment stationed at Malta. They had come on board
as visitors, and, on learning that we were going to
Egypt, had decided to accompany us. When we arrived
at Port Said, Egypt, on the 26th of October, we found
that we would have to wait there several days before we
could get through the Suez Canal.

This delay enabled Mail Orderly Wade to overhaul
 

 

 

NEARLY MISSED HIS PASSAGE.

Paymaster Smith, U. S. N., returning aboard the
Essex, at Malta, after the Ball.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 75

us; he having been sent on from Malta on one of the
Peninsular and Oriental steamers, which happened to call
at Valletta soon after we sailed.

Egypt is a very low-lying country. The land is only
a few feet above the level of the sea. From the deck of
the ship approaching the coast, the trees and houses and
even people and animals are visible on shore before any
landcan be seen. Port Said is a very dull place. It is
only a coaling station, with a few stores which have been
built there since the canal was opened.

After remaining at Port Said five days, we got away on
the 31st of October, and proceeded on our way through
the canal. Being a man-of-war, we had to stop and haul
into the locks fully a dozen times to let other steamers
pass before we got through. At that time ships were not
allowed to go through the canal at night.

We reached Ismailia about sunset, where we hauled
into the lock and tied up for the night.

After we got the ship made fast nearly everybody on
board went in swimming in the canal.

The Khedive of Egypt has a beautiful Swiss cottage
near the canal at Ismailia, where he goes to recuperate
after his periodical jag.

At daylight on the morning of Novemher rst we got
away from Ismailia, and proceeded on through the canal.
We saw, walking along the bank of the canal, our two
Scottish Highlanders who stowed away at Malta. Cap-
tain Jewell had put them off the ship at Port Said, and
then they had stowed away in some steamer and got
thrown off of her about midway between Port Said and
Suez.

At ten o’clock we stopped at Suez, and sent the mail
ashore; then we got under way and steamed out into the
Red Sea.
76 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY. OR,

It was somewhere along here that Moses and the
Israelites crossed over, the time they went on that famous
strike and decided to run away from Egypt, without
notifying Pharaoh so that he might employ anew ‘‘gang”
to fill their places.

At that time the Isthmus of Suez was probably a very
narrow neck of land; perhaps only a few hundred yards
wide and several mileslong. It was undoubtedly covered
with water six or eight feet deep at high tide.

Before calling his men out Moses familiarized himself
with the rise and fall of the tide. He calculated so well
that he reached the water just at the beginning of ebb
tide. Naturally he was in advance of his people.
Stretching his walking stick out over the water he com-
manded it to break away and let him pass. The rest of
the Israelites came up about that time, and, seeing the
water recede, they supposed that the Almighty had done
it to oblige Moses. Indeed it would have been a very
foolish thing of Moses to tell them any better, when he
saw that they actually believed that he had sucha “ pull”
with God. In due time the whole crowd of Jews walked
over on dry land. Several hours later Pharaoh started
out in pursuit, with his faithful employees, and, perhaps,
a few deputies. Following their trail through the sand,
he reached the isthmus at the beginning of flood tide.
Pharaoh knew nothing about the tide, and, seeing the
tracks of the Israelites, he followed on. The tide rose
and caught him before he got over, and he and his men
were all drowned through his sheer ignorance. I think,
however, that Pharaoh was more to be pitied than blamed
for his ignorance of the tide, because there were no
summer resorts on the coast in those days, and that
was probably the first time that he had ever had occasion
to go to the seaside. It was a mean thing for Moses to
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SOCIETY AS IT’ REALLY TS. 79

fool him in that way, but Moses, as leader of the first
great strike, did net intend that the iron-hearted Pharaoh
should catch him. While Pharaoh was getting cooled off
Moses made good his escape.

People who go to the seaside resorts nowadays learn a
great deal. They not only learn all about the rise and
fall of the tide, but they come home pretty well posted
about the rise and fall, principally the latter, of young
girls who go there to have a good time, and have it
regardless of consequences. If that famous hot-bed for
scandal, called the Hotel del Monte, where the Parvenu-
cracy and dove-shooters go, and where young ‘‘society
ladies” go into the gentlemen’s bathing tank in a semi-
nude state, in order to get their pictures published in the
Lxaminer, had existed in those days, I think that Pharaoh
would have been there.

You can find almost any kind of society that you ever
heard of at Del Monte.

The kind of female society that kings are fond of is
very abundant there during the ‘‘ season.”

Since writing the above I am pleased to learn that Del
Monte has been supplied with a long felt want in the
position of manager: namely, a gentleman.

Mr. Arnold, formerly of the Palace Hotel, San Fran-
cisco, has succeeded the arrogant, low ex-cook, Geo.
Schonewald, as manager of beautiful Del Monte.

For many years the better elements of California
society have steered well clear of this beautiful spot, on
account of the objectionable class that Schonewald, who
could not speak English intelligibly, always catered to.

Iam glad to see that the owner of the hotel—the
Pacific Improvement Company—has at last opened its
eyes to the real cause of the apparent unappreciativeness
of the more refined classes, who have boycotted this
80 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

place which nature—though handicapped by a pitiable,
ignorant, alien menial—has made so charming.

Under the management of gentlemanly Mr. Arnold,
Del Monte will come to life again, and will be appreciated
and patronized by respectable society. Messrs. Botsch,
Junker and Pine, and the other civilized employees of the
house will no doubt appreciate the change of manage-
ment also.
CHAPTER VII.

We passed the lightship at Newport Rock, off Suez.
about noon, November 1, bound for Aden, Arabia.

The peak of Mount Sinai, in the Holy Land, was plainly
visible in the distance.

We experienced splendid weather in the Red Sea, and
had a fresh breeze on the quarter for more than a week.

On the gth and roth of November we passed through
the straits of Bab-el-Mandeb, in company with a large
Japanese man-of-war that was on her way out to Japan,
from France, where she had been built.

This is the place where young Ham is supposed to have
crossed over into Africa, after he was cursed by Noah
for having laughed at the old man when the latter had a
quiet jag on.

Ham subsequently married the daughter of a venerable
old monkey, and settled down in Abyssinia and raised
the first family of ‘‘colored society.”

Lineal descendants of this inter-tribe union are to be
found at the Lotus Club and other social organizations
of razor fame in San Francisco ; also in Thompson Street,
Sixth Avenue, and Thirty-second Street, New York;
South Street, Philadelphia, and in every town and county
in the ‘‘ Cotton Belt.”

“Colored society”? has hada hard struggle for social
recognition in the United States. It was first introduced
into America, in the year 1620, by a Dutchman who
brought twenty members of it over from Africa, and
landed them somewhere up the James River. The

81
82 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

F. F. V.’s refused to acknowledge the introduction of the
Dutchman, from a social standpoint. Whether this was
onaccount of the color or odor of his protégés, or whether
it was because of the Dutchman’s own uncertain social
standing (he was probably a pirate), I have not been able
to ascertain; but at any rate the ‘‘first families of
Virginian colored society’ were not received as guests;
and what is still better, their descendants never will be.
A man named McAllister,—long live his name!—a prede-
cessor of Ward, declared that society must have a grand-
father. The Dutchman proved up ‘“ grand-paternity,”
accursed as it was, by the Bible, but it leaked out that
there was a ‘tail’ connected with its ‘‘ ma-ternity,” or
monkey-turnity, I don’t remember which, and the Dutch-
man, freebooter that he was, was so shocked that he sold
his protégés to some old planters for slaves.

In due time the planters discovered that their slaves
were useful about cotton farms. These slaves were
prolific, but not enough so to supply the demands of the
cotton raisers of the South; so some enterprising New
Englanders procured a ship and brought over some more
of the descendants of Ham from Africa, and sold them
for good prices.

Subsequently whole fleets of New England ships ran
between Africa and different American sea ports, bringing
over ‘“‘colored society” to order.

No one ever dreamed of receiving ‘‘ colored society”’
on a basis of equality until a rail splitter, named Abraham
Lincoln, through accident, got to be President of the
United States.

Mr. Lincoln was told that the white overseers and slave
drivers from Indiana, who superintend Southern cotton
plantations for American owners, were trying to make
“‘colored society”’ white, and that they had already
SOCIETY AS 11 REALLY TS. 83

changed a good deal of it toa dingy, disgusting yellow.
Mr. Lincoln thought that if a few Hoosier overseers could
make ‘‘ colored society” yellow, the president of the jingo
party ought to be able to make it snow white. So, after
stirring upa great civil war, and wrecking the country,
he issued a proclamation setting all ‘‘colored society ”
‘“‘ free,” and placing it on a white basis, so he thought.

But, so far as benefiting ‘‘colored society’ was con-
cerned, Mr. Lincoln’s scheme was a rank failure, —that is,
if the opinion of ‘colored society,” on that particular
subject, counts for anything, —because eighty per cent. of
“freed colored society’ in the South says : ‘* Lord bless
yoh soul, chile, we am wuss off now dan we eber was
befo’. Umph, my Lord! we had homes befo’ we was
freed, but now we aint got nothin’—nothir’ ’tall.”’

After setting the slaves free,it was found that they
could not take care of themselves, and that white society
ignored them socially. ‘Then a man named Booth, a
frenzied crank, took pity on society and killed Mr.
Lincoln, to keep him from making a giant April fool of
Uncle Sam by allowing the fanatics to try to further
facilitate the début of the descendants of Ham and his
monkey spouse into the society of legitimacy and the
White House.

As it stands to-day, ‘‘colored society’ has no social
standing in America at all, and it never will have any.

It should be sent back to Africa, where it came from,
to raise watermelons and poultry for itself, instead of
stealing all that the ‘‘ poh white trash ” raise.

Early in the morning of November 11, we came to
anchor in the harbor of Aden, which is, perhaps, the
dryest city on the face of the earth. However, it forms
an important link in the long chain of English fortified coal-
ing stations extending around the world, ‘There is nota
84 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

drop of natural fresh water to be found within miles of
Aden, The city bears the distinction of having a manu-
facturing industry that consists solely of a water factory
where fresh water is condensed from the salt water of
the ocean.

On the afternoon of November 17, we took our depar-
ture from Aden, and stood for the Island of Ceylon.

On the 19th we passed Cape Guardafui and the Island
of Socotra.

After that we took a few deep-sea soundings in the
Indian Ocean, probably just to give Mr. Wadham a
chance to lose the rest of the sounding cups and wire
that- were left over from the expedition on the Atlantic.
After he had lost all of the cups, and nearly all of the
wire, Captain Jewell placed Mr. Hoggett in charge of
the sounding machine, with a single cup made by the
engineers on board the ship. Mr. Hoggett had better
luck than Mr. Wadham, and we managed to get along
without mishap until all the soundings were taken.

Fifteen days after leaving Aden we sighted the beauti-
ful Island of Ceylon, and on the afternoon of December 2
we moored ship in the harbor of Colombo, the principal
city on the isiand.

Our lines were barely made fast before the Parsee ped-
dlers began to swarm over the gangway, loaded down
with cheap jewelry, and bogus precious stones purported
to have been found in Ceylon, but actually imported
from Europe and America.

The Parsees, be it understood, are called the ‘‘ Jews of
Asia.” They received this title from the first white
people who ever went to India, for the reason, no doubt,
that there were no other people on the face of the earth
except the Jews who could be compared with them for
‘business ability,” Had it not been for the fact that
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 85

the Jews were known to the Europeans before the Par-
sees were, I think that their respective titles would have
been reversed, and that the Jews would now be called
the Parsees of America and Europe. The shrewdest
venders of collar buttons, socks, and second-hand clothes
on Baxter Street, New York, and Kearney Street, San
Francisco, could not hold a candle to the Parsees. When
it comes to a ‘‘bargain,’’ Raphael, Roos Brothers,
Cohen & Co., and the other world-beaters for bum over-,
coats, simply ‘‘aint init” with the Parsee crepe shawl
peddlers.

One of these latter asked me twenty-five rupees for a
shawl. Not wishing to buy the shawl, I offered him five.
rupees for it, and he took it.

After a pleasant sojourn of four days at Colombo, we
put to sea on the 6th of December. Passing Point de
Galle, the southeastern extremity of Ceylon, we pointed
our prow eastward across the Bay of Bengal, and stood
for the Straits of Malacca.

Hauling fires and sending the black squad on deck, we
continued under canvas the same as we did while cross-
ing the Atlantic.

On the gth and roth of December we ran before the
heaviest gales that we encountered during the whole
cruise. On the roth the storm increased to such vio-
lence that we were compelled to heave to for a whole
day.

This was the same typhoon that destroyed Madras, and
played such havoc with the shipping all up and down the
east coast of India. It was estimated that the wind blew
at the rate of over one hundred miles an hour. The
weather moderated on the morning of the rith, how-
ever, and we shook the reefs out of our sails and pro-
ceeded on our course.
86 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY s OR,

On the rath we stopped off the west coast of Sumatra
to have our quarterly target practice and torpedo exer-
cise. A target was rigged up on a raft and launched.
Then Captain Jewell came on deck and gave the order :
“Clear ship for action!” In a very few minutes the
light spars were sent down, and everything was made
snug aloft. The decks were cleared of everything not
needed in battle, and we were ready to execute the man-
euvers just as if we were going into an engagement with
‘‘the enemy.”’ For fully an hour the broadside guns,
the big eight-inch pivot gun, and the bow chaser were
turned on the target. Shell after shell went hissing
across the water, and the cannonade was something
terrific. The best gunners in the ship pointed and fired
the guns ; but, when the quarterly allowance of practice
shells was exhausted, the target still floated peacefully
on the smooth sea. They had never touched it.

Then the Gatling guns were brought into action, and
the marines and sharpshooters gave an exhibition of
their markmanship, but the bullets from their guns only
ricocheted across the water until the last round of the
quarterly allowance of small-arm ammunition was gone.

Mortified and disgusted with his gunners, Captain
Jewell ordered the torpedo division to blow up the
impudent target, which had drifted alongside the ship
right in the face of the terrific fusillade which had been
directed at it. Very soon a small dynamite torpedo was
rigged out on the end of the starboard lower studding-
sail boom.

These torpedoes are exploded by electricity. The
electric battery was aft on the poop. ‘The wire, extend-
ing forward along the bulwarks, was run out and con-
nected with the torpedo on the end of the boom.

There was a switch at the break of the forecastle, just
SOCIETY AS*Ii) REALLY JS, 87

like an ordinary electric light switch, that connected or
disconnected the battery with the torpedo as occasion
required. Ensign Rodman, assisted by Quarter Gunner
Henry Hudson, had charge of the torpedo division up
forward, while Lieutenant Fechteler looked after the
electric battery aft. The ship steamed around in order
to get into a position so that the torpedo could be lowered
into the water and exploded under the target.

All the boys, and, in fact, nearly the entire crew,
crowded up on the top-gallant forecastle to watch the
blowing up of the raft. While this was going on, some-
one turned the switch connecting the torpedo with the
battery before the torpedo was lowered into the water.
Lieutenant Fechteler, supposing that everything was all
right in connection with the torpedo up forward, pressed
the button just to see if the battery was in working order.
A terrific explosion followed. The ship trembled from
stem to stern, while fragments of the copper torpedo flew
in every direction. When the smoke cleared away the
forecastle presented a pitiable sight. Lying in a pool of
blood, at the breech of the six-inch rifle bow chaser, was
all that remained mortal of Seaman Apprentice Peter
Hagele. A piece of the torpedo had penetrated his
temple, killing him instantly. A few feet away lay W.C.
Hammond, another seaman apprentice, with the blood
flowing from an ugly wound in the temple.*

R. F. Gerbach ran aft with the blood flowing from a
wound in his left knee. August Rettig received a frag-
ment of copper in the leg. W. J. Morgan, the chief
boatswain’s mate, had a small hole in his leg, and W. J.
McFadden was down on his knees calling frantically upon

* TTammond was afterward sent to Bellevue Hospital, New York, to
have the piece of copper extracted from his brain. At last accounts he
was a lunatic from the effects of the wound,
838 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

the Blessed Virgin to stop a small stream of blood that
was trickling from his forehead. Nor was this all.
Down under the forecastle was old Corporal Boyd, of the
marine guard, picking a piece of copper out of his head
with his knife. Boyd, who was an old veteran, was look-
ing out of a porthole when the explosion occurred.
When he found that he was not dead, he quietly extracted
this missile from his head, and, tying his handkerchief
over the wound, proceeded to assist the rest of the
injured.

As this all happened on the equator, where the tempera-
ture was 100° in the shade, it was impossible to keep poor
Hagele until we reached port.

At three o’clock the same afternoon the boatswain’s
mate sounded the solemn call, ‘‘ All hands bury the
dead.”

The entire ship’s company mustered on deck. The
flag was hoisted at half-mast. The corpse, sewed up in
canvas, with a sixty pound shot attached, was brought to
the starboard gangway on a broad plank.

Giving the order to ‘‘uncover,” Captain Jewell took
off his cap, and read the burial service. As he came to
the last words he signaled to Summerville, the captain of
the maintop, who tipped the plank outward. There was
a splash, as the remains of our shipmate disappeared into
the sea, and all was over. Motioning to the boatswain’s
mate to ‘‘pipe down,” and signaling to the engineer to
go ahead full speed, the captain proceeded to shape his
course for Singapore.

We went ahead through the Straits of Malacca, pick-
ing our way through the narrow channels between the
islands along the south coast of the Malay Peninsula,
as fast as our engines could propel the ship through
the water. As an everlasting reminder of somebody’s
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. gt

blundering work, which could safely go down to history
as criminal carelessness, one iife had been sacrificed and
another had been blighted. In addition to this, two
persons were under the surgeon’s knife, with the very
best prospects of developing gangrene, in which case
they would have lost their legs and, probably, their
lives; and three others were more or less injured.

The court of inquiry, composed of officers of the
ship, decided that nobody was responsible. The sad
occurrence was summed up by the talented court as an
“unavoidable accident,” and such it is still believed to
have been,

Nothing can ever restore the life that was lost, and
nothing z7/7 ever restore the mind that was wrecked, but
nevertheless, a review of the prominent facts in the case
is, I hope, not out of place even at this late hour.

Several commissioned officers were superintending the
experiment through which the ‘‘accident’”’ was brought
about. The person killed, and all of the wounded, were
enlisted men. The court of inquiry was composed
of officers. I suppose the court made some inquiries
about the man whose duty it was to see that the torpedo
was handled carefully. Whether or not anyone was sup-
posed to turn on the current at a given signal, I could
not say. If this was overlooked someone was guilty of
criminal carelessness. But I sincerely hope that the
decision rendered was just
CHAPTER VIII.

On the 18th of December, 1886, we dropped anchor in
the harbor of Singapore, Straits Settlements.

Two days later we sent Rettig and Gerbach to the hos-
pital, to be treated for the injuries received in the torpedo
explosion.

We celebrated Christmas at Singapore in the regular,
good old American style. Our dinner table was set on
the spar deck, reaching from the break of the forecastle.
to the mainmast. On top of it was piled a mez consist-
ing of all the different varieties of eatables that could be
found in the market. This we washed down with various.
brands of liquid refreshments; Captain Jewell having
granted us that privilege, at the request of our esteemed
and beloved first lieutenant.

The eccentricities of old ‘‘Humpty Dumpty”’ certainly.
entitle him to more than a casual mention. In his way
he was one of the most extraordinary characters that I
have ever met. He possessed an individuality peculiarly
his own. Imagine a little man of perhaps fifty, about
five feet four inches in height, with moderately long red
side whiskers and mustache to match, and it will give you
some idea of how Mr. Bicknell appears at first glance.
On closer observation you will notice that he has a pair
of very keen bluish-gray eyes, a large nose, and a fairly
firm chin, which, owing to his ‘‘ Burnsides,” appears at
first to be somewhat abbreviated. Along with all these
he carries a set expression that would puzzle Kendall, or

a2
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 93

any other fake mind reader in the world, to account
for, further than that it is harmless. Altogether, while
he is far from being handsome, Mr. Bicknell is by no
means uninteresting. When he is dressed up in his
social coat, with brass buttons, and has on his Sunday
smile, which he assures himself of every now and then by
running his fingers through his whiskers, he is actually
pleasing to behold; but when he dresses up for a ball in
his evening uniform suit, with epaulettes and low cut
waistcoat, showing a white shirt front, he is a distressing
failure. He dances as gracefully as a tortoise.

Having hearda great deal of the different heathen ‘ re-
ligions,”—so-called from the fact that they acknowledge
a Supreme Ruler,—I decided to visit some of the Buddhist
and other temples in Singapore. I had been too busily
engaged in other ways at Colombo and Aden to even ask
anybody if there were any places of worship in those
cities, and, besides this, our own missionary lieutenant
had been holding so many fake prayer meetings on
board, that the word ‘‘religion,” uttered seriously any-
where forward of the smokestack, was like waving a red
shirt before a herd of wild bullocks.

Jack Hartel, Jimmy Welch, Willie Lamb, and several
other irreverent boys had organized a vigilance committee
to protest against Mr. Wadham’s ‘‘zeal,’’ and the entire
class of boys had joined in and adopted resolutions
tabooing psalm-singing and everything of that nature.
Anyone who broke the rules was liable to be severely
punished, and all crimes committed while on shore were
punishable just the same as if committed on board ship.
After dinner was over, on Christmas Day, a meeting was
called on the jorecastle, and the rules and regulations
concerning religion were suspended, only as far as they
interfered with sight-seeing. Those who asked permis-
94 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

sion to visit the heathen temples were cautioned to steer
clear of all churches in which the English, French, or
German languages were spoken,

Jarrett, Schipperus, Lippincott, Funk, Link, and I
were about the only boys who were anxious to see the
heathen at ‘‘ worship.”” We went up to the large temple
out toward the Zodlogical Gardens. As we started to
enter, the door-keeper made signs to us to take off our
shoes. Seeing us hesitate, he pointed to along row of
sandals just outside the door. Then we understood.
As we deposited our shoes with the door-keeper, I noticed
that ours were the only leather shoes in the pile; all the
rest being the grass, bamboo, and wooden sandals of the
Malays, Indians, and other natives.

Inside the temple we found the congregation, of men
only, squatting on the earth on their haunches, with their
heads bowed down until their faces touched the ground.
Around the sides were hideous-looking images of dragons,
devils, monsters, fierce Oriental warriors, and many other
unpleasant things. We did not stay very long, for the
reason that the noxious incense and a mixture of other
disagreeable odors, peculiar to the climate of Singapore,
made us sick.

When we came out we found that our shoes were not
where we had left them. Supposing that the door-
keeper had put them away, we looked around for that
individual, and discovered that he, too, had vanished.

There we stood, bare-footed, in the streets of Singa-
pore. We knew that it was useless to go in quest of the
thief, so we spoke to a big East Indian policeman who
understood English, but seeing that we were Americans
he only laughed at us. Perhaps he did this to remind
us that he knew a thing or two about the way our own
policemen act when anybody asks one of them to arrest
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 95

a thief or a hoodlum or some other outlaw of the police-
man’s own ilk.

Not wishing to walk around town in our bare feet, we
went down to the dock, and all of the party returned
to the ship, except Link, who declared that he would
remain on shore until he found the man with his shoes.

Several days later a long, dangle-legged Englishman,
a resident of Singapore, came on board: accompanied by
one of the most ridiculous objects that I saw on the
whole voyage. Whether it was a gorilla from the ‘‘ Zoo”’
or a wild man from Borneo, no one could tell as it leaned
against the main fife rail. It was about the height of
‘“‘Humpty Dumpty,” whatever it was; it walked on two
legs, and appeared to understand what the Englishman
said to it. It wore, on the upper part of its body, a
portion of an undershirt, the sleeves and tail of which
were missing, while the bosom stood open showing
a healthy growth of bristles. Its lower limbs were in-
cased in a pair of trousers, rolled up at the bottoms, but
still dragging under its feet, while the waistband was held
up under the arms by means of a belt, after the fashion
of Alex Basil Willieberforce at a tennis tournament.
It could actually taik; that is, it could utter sounds a
trifle more intelligible than Mr. Willieberforce’s presenta-
tion speech to Sam Hardy, when the latter wrested the
tennis championship cup from Tom Driscoll, at San
Rafael, on the Fourth of July, 1894. However, the
curious object turned out to be neither a wild man nor
a gorilla, nor even a near relative of Mr. Wilberforce.

In the meantime all the boys had crowded around, and
the officers came on deck to see what was up. Mr.
Fechteler, who was officer of the deck, having been
assured by the Englishman that the thing was tame,
approached it, and declared that it was the missing Link,
96 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

Mr. Fechteler was right; but at that time, so he told me
at dinner on board the A/ésatross not long ago, he had
never seen Mr. Willieberforce, or he might have reserved
his verdict for the San Rafael tennis tournament.

When asked by ‘‘Humpty Dumpty” to explain why he
had broken his leave, and come on board out of uniform,
and in this cloudy-day-in-London rig, Link said that he
had found a policeman wearing his shoes, and upon
asking the policeman, who happened to be the only
Irishman on the ‘‘force”’ in Singapore, to return them,
he had received a clout over the head from the Irish-
man’s club. Link, having taken boxing lessons from
Lieutenant Tommy Carter, on the Mew Hampshire, was
something of a scrapper himself, a fact of which he pro-
ceeded to convince the rude policeman, by knocking the
latter down and walking all over him, and taking his
shoes by main force.

While Link was putting on his shoes, the vulgar police-
man blew his whistle, and in a few minutes a whole squad
of other policemen came tearing down upon him from
every direction. These preservers of the peace not only
recaptured the shoes, but they stripped Link of his
clothes, struck him in the eye with brass ‘‘knucks,”’ sand-
bagged him, and left him for dead.

While in this plight he was found by the Englishman,
who took him to his house, rigged him up in the manner
aforesaid, which was the correct style in the Singapore
Cricket Club, and brought him on board the £ssex ina
sam-pam.
CHAPTER IX.

New Year’s Day, 1887, found us at anchor in Singa-
pore harbor, with steam up and all ready to sail.

In the afternoon we got under way, bound for the
Philippine Islands. We put to sea and ran right intoa
current of bad luck that stayed with us for many days.
To begin with, we encountered a head wind, the north-
east monsoon. ‘This interfered very much with our prog-
ress, as can readily be understood from the fact that we
were rigged for sailing. We bettered our condition a
little by sending down all the light spars at first, and
later on, as the wind increased, we sent down the topsail
yards, and fore and main yards, housed the top-masts and
rigged in the jib-boom.

On the 4th of january, 1887, the career of the Zssexr
came very near being ended forever. Early in the morn-
ing we sighted one of the small islands in the lower
China Sea, about four hundred miles north of Singapore.
The navigater laid the ship on a course that would_ have
taken her on the side of the island nearest to the coast of
Siam. We were going along steadily at about eight knots
an hour, having run into smooth water on the lee side of
the island, when all at once Ensign Loomis, the officer of
the forecastle, yelled out to the officer of the deck;
“Rocks ahead, sir!”

“Stop her! Back her full speed!” yelled Mr. Walling,
who was officer of the deck.*

* JT hear that Mr. Walling was the officer of the deck of the Avar-
sarge when that ship was wrecked on Roncador Reefs seven years later,

97
98 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

‘These startling commands, followed by the quick
clanging of the engine-room gong, brought all hands on
deck. Right ahead of us, and on each side, could be seen
the sharp, jagged points of numerous rocks, ugly look-
ing things, that would have torn the whole bottom out of
the ship had she not been stoppedin time. The navigater
refused to believe his own eyes, for those rocks were not
laid down on the chart. He was not even satisfied with
the soundings obtained with the hand lead ; but insisted
on lowering the whale boat, and sending a quartermaster
ahead to make sure that the rocks were genuine.

Having fully satisfied himself and the captain that the
rocks were not the result of the imagination that succeeds
a beautiful New Year’s jag, as the old man had thought
when he heard that Mr. Loomis had seen them first, the
order was given to *’bout ship.”

‘This meant to turn around and go back, which we did.
On consulting the chart again, it was found that we
had merely undertaken to pass on the wrong side of the
island. With the morning’s experience, and a gentle hint
from the captain that the smartest of navigaters often
find it necessary to consult the charts, as reminders, Mr.
Wadham decided to go around on the other side of the
island, where we found water enough to float all the ships
in Uncle Sam’s navy.

After a tiresome voyage of ten days, during which time
we came very near being reduced to the necessity of
burning up all of our light spars, on account of running
out of coal, we reached Manilla on the morning of Janu-
ary 11. So completely exhausted was our supply of coal,
that the bunkers were swept, and the last shovelful of
coal dust was thrown into the furnace as we reached an
anchorage about five miles out.

Manilla is on the Island of Luzon, and it is the largest
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS, 99

city in the Philippine group, which is under Spanish
rule.

We managed to get afresh supply of coal at the end
of three days, at which time, January 14, we started
across the China Sea for Hong Kong.

We had the wind in our favor going over, and we took
advantage of it.

There is such a thing, however, as trying to make too
much out of a fair wind and we found this out ina way
that was calculated to cause us not to forget it. On the
16th of January we were driving along with all sail set,
and the engine going as fast as ever she could, when sud-
denly there was a great commotion up forward.

Crack ! rip ! flapity-flap-flap ! and away went out fore-
topsail yard, sail and all.

The accident did not detain us very long, for the watch
on deck ran aloft and straightened things up—that is,
what was left—in very short order.

Continuing on our course, we sighted the coast of China
early the next morning, the 17th, and in the afternoon of
the same day we let go our anchor in the harbor of Hong
Kong. About the first thing we did at Hong Kong was
to send Ensign Radman to the hospital, he having con-
tracted a touch of brain fever after the torpedo explosion.

The city is situated on the Island of Hong Kong, right
in the mouth of the Canton River. Like Gibraltar, Hong
Kong is a British possession. As Gibraltar is the key to
the Mediterranean, so is Hong Kong the key to China,
and it is the great center of trade of all Asia. It is said
that the tonnage of the shipping that enters the port of
Hong Kong annually, is equal to, if not greater than, that
of any other port in the world, not excepting even New
York, Liverpool, London, and San Francisco.

We love to make fun of the Britisher about his accent,
Too CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

his loud dressing and talking, his inability to understand
a joke, and his ignorance of our democratic social usages.
Perhaps he might be forgiven for the last-mentioned
crime, since so many bankrupt princes, dukes, lords, and
other specimens of his cheap-titled aristocracy have been
bought up by our railroad magnates, and other members
of the Parvenucracy, for husbands for their brainless
daughters, who flaunt their pictures out before the public
in the daily papersas if they had not already made every-
body tired long before. According to our notion, every-
thing that the Englishman does is wrong. However,
when we come to take an inventory of what has been
accomplished by the inhabitants of the little group of
islands off the coast of France, we are bound to admit
that when it comes to gobbling up foreign territory, and
seizing important commercial centers and fortifying them
so that it would be utterly impossible to capture them,
our friend John Bull is no slouch, even if he did get
knocked out in 1776.

One thing that I have always admired in the English-
man is his strong love for his country. Ridiculous and
uncouth as his manner certainly is to us, he never
attempts to deny his nationality. No matter what edict
the Prince of Wales issues concerning the number of
reefs that a gentleman should wear in the bottoms of his
trousers’ legs, and no matter what part of the world the
English dude happens to be in when the cablegram
announcing the change in the weather in London reaches
him, he obeys without a murmur. Since the Prince of
Wales turned up his trousers one night as he came out
from the theater, the national boast that ‘‘ the sun never
sets on the English flag,” will soon be supplanted by the
startling announcement that the moon never sets on
turned-up evening dress trousers.
SOCI-L TY AS IT REALLY TS. IOI

We took our departure from Hong Kong on the 23d
of January. Owing to the violence of the northeast
monsoons we found it necessary to put into Ah-moy,
China, on the 25th. We remained at Ah-moy until the
28th, when we put to sea again with all our yards down
on deck, and top masts housed, and everything secured
for steaming up the coast. This run from Ah-moy up
the coast of China, through the straits of Formosa and
the China Sea, was the most disagreeable part of the
whole voyage around the world. For six days we drove
right into a heavy head sea, during which time the decks
were continually flooded. Every now and then a big sea
would break over the forecastle and rush clean aft to the
cabin door, carrying everything movable that came in its
way. However, we kept right on, and on the morning
of the 3d of February we ran into the harbor of Nagasaki,
Japan, for a fresh supply of coal.

At Nagasaki all the stevedores and coal heavers are
females. The women have a monopoly on this particular
branch of labor, especially coaling ships “of war. It is
said that men are not allowed to handle coal there under
any consideration.

I wonder how some of our society ladies, like mannish
Mrs. Clara Foltz, and Laura de Force Gordon—they of
the Portia Law (d)-help-us Club—and their c/gue, who are
always agitating the woman’s suffrage question, and for-
ever and eternally crying out for ‘‘ woman’s rights,”’ would
like to go on board a man-of-war, and form a line from
the port gangway to the coal bunkers, and pass coal on
board out of the collier, in little baskets which hold about
forty pounds each? ‘These baskets are passed along the
line of ‘‘new”’ women from one to another, and they must
be kept in motion, at a rate of speed that would make
your head swim, from the time they leave the lighter
102 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; Ok,

alongside the ship until they are dumped into the
bunkers.

Let our would-be mannish ladies, who wear bloomers
and ride bicycles, take warning from the present plight
of their almond-eyed sisters across the water, who kept
insisting on having the same privileges that their husbands
and brothers enjoyed, until they finally got just what they
deserved in the manner aforesaid.

We remained at Nagasaki just about six hours, during
which time the young society lady advocates of Woman’s
Suffrage piled coal enough into our bunkers to last us to
Yokohama, for which port we cleared out at four o’clock
in the afternoon.

The next morning we passed the active volcano of
Iwoga, commonly called ‘‘Smoky Jack,” in Van Diemen’s
Straits. From that time on our spirits began to rise,
for we were approaching our destination, where we
expected to have a little rest. The varied expe-
riences through which we had passed during the long
and tedious voyage from New York, had created a
desire in some of our minds to rest on our laurels for a
while.

Early in the morning of February 7 we sighted the
tall snow-capped peak of Fuji-Yama, or the mountain of
fire, the sacred mountain of Japan.

Fuji-Yama, the loftiest mountain in Japan, is an
extinct volcano, on the Island of Nippon. It is about
12,500 feet high.

About noon of the same day we passed up the Gulf of
Tokio, and dropped anchor in the harbor of Yokohama.
Thus ended this long voyage of over 15,000 nautical miles,
equal to about 16,875 English miles, or more than two-
thirds of the circumference of the earth.

Having reached our destination, the first duty of Cap-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 103

tain Jewell was to report for duty to Admiral Ralph
Chandler, commander-in-chief of the American naval
forces on the Asiatic station. These naval forces con-
sisted of several ‘‘men-of-war,” such as the JZonocacy,
an old double-ender, which would be about as useful in
battle as one of the Oakland or Jersey City ferryboats
with one paddle-wheel gone ; and the Pa/os, a little, old,
worn-out tugboat, about as big as one of Spreckles’ tow-
boats, or one of the Long Island fishing tugs. These
formidable battle ships had been patched up so often that
scarcely any parts of the original vessel remained, except,
perhaps, the dimensions and the engines, which were out
of date a long time before the civil war between the
States. These two worse than useless old hulks, besides
having been the laughing-stock of all the foreign naval
squadrons and foreign vessels in the China seas for years
and years, have actually cost the Government of the
United States more to keep them afloat than it would
take to build two modern fighting vessels. Even the
Chinese and Japanese make fun of our fleet of ‘‘ ships”
out there. The Chinese refer to the A/onocacy as a ‘‘ heep
no good junk.”

Whenever anybody ventures to suggest the advisability
of condemning these old tubs, and selling them at auc-
tion to the dealers in junk and scrap iron, the boodle
politicians around Washington City, and ‘society ” in
general throughout the East, raise a great hue and cry
about it being a shame to destroy historic vessels.
Sometimes the cranks even go so far as to threaten to take
up subscriptions from the ‘“ widows” and “ orphans ” (?)
of the Grand Army pension pickers to repair the ‘‘ dear
old ships,” and keep them in commission as relics of
‘The War,” in order that the American flag may con-
tinue to be a target for the ridicule and sarcasm of foreign
104 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY: OR,

nations as long as it is kept waving from the peaks of
such dilapidated old dug-outs.

Admiral Chandler, having received Captain Jewell
officially, instructed the latter gentleman to have
the £#ssex scrubbed and painted, and made ready for
receiving visitors, after which he would receive him
socially, and introduce him and his staff into Yokohama
society.

The admiral was a jolly, good old fellow. He had
two daughters who were great society girls ; but he did
not want them to go into Yokohama society, so he
declared. ‘The old admiral went on to tell Captain
Jewell something about Oriental society ; that is, the
‘‘society”’ of the Americans and Europeans in Japan.
He said that in no other place outside of San Francisco
could a fellow have more fun in a quiet way, without
running any risks of being shot by jealous husbands, than
he could right in Yokohama. Very few of the naval
officers ever take their wives out to Yokohama. These
foxy gentlemen tell their better halves that the water in
Japan is very unhealthful, and the climate very bad for
married ladies. This may be true, but the naval officers
don’t drink much water at any place. And then the
climate that is ‘‘ bad for other men’s wives” seems to
agree with such gentlemen as Captain Jewell, Captain
McCormick, and Captain Gridley.

‘But don’t forget, Captain Jewell,” said the admiral,
‘‘that mum’s the word out here.” And the good old
admiral winked the other eye, and poked Captain Jewell
in the ribs with his index finger.

Then they both hada good, hearty laugh and some
lemonade with fiddlesticks in it; and Captain Jewell
returned to his ship, and told his officers what a nice soft
snap there was in store for them, and that it was theirs
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 105

as soon as they could get the ship ready for receiving
visitors on board.

The fact that the officers had been away from their
homes for more than five months only increased the
desire of the fashionable ‘‘society ladies” to meet them
as soon as possible.

The trouble was, that some of these ‘‘ladies’” were
afraid that the newly arrived gentlemen would pay their
respects to the bewitching almond-eyed fairies of Yoshi-
wara* and Kanagawa before entering into the ‘‘ swim.”

In order to prevent the Japanese girls from securing
the first outburst of long-smothered flames, the swell
society ladies lost no time in arranging a ball compli-
mentary to the captain and officers of the Zssex, in order
that they might waltz those smothered flames into life to
the enchanting strains of such popular airs as: ‘If You
Love Me, Darling, Tell Me With——” “ After The Ball
is Over,” ‘‘Love Will Find a Way,” and other inspiring
music, vocal as well as instrumental.

The ‘ball’? was literally a howling success. No
broken sighs were breathed there. Plain English was the
order of conversation during the night, and Yokohama
society ladies, the married ones in particular, —whose
husbands, like E. V. Thorne, professional gambler, lot-
tery ticket vender, ‘‘ editor,” publisher, and proprietor
of the blackmail sheet called the Box of Curios, spend
six nights out of every week playing poker at the hotels,
barrooms, and clubs, and the seventh at the ‘‘tea
houses” of Yoshiwara,—understand how to use it to the
best advantage on an occasion of this kind.

This ball settled the fate of most of our officers dur-

* Yoshiwara is the Japanese name for a certain section of each city

that is fenced off for the use of persons who prefer to ignore the marriage
law, New York and San Francisco should follow suit.
106 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY. OR,

ing the sojourn of the Assex in Yokohama. Whether
these gentlemen acted on the advice of Chesterfield, or
merely through a sense of gentlemanly duty to suffering
humanity or femininity, Iam not prepared to say; but if,
through neglect, they made any lifelong enemies among
the married ladies of Yokohama’s little Parvenucracy,
I think it must have been unintentional on the part of
the officers. It should be remembcred, however, that
a fresh shipload of American naval officers, five months
away from home, does not arrive in Yokohama very
often; and when such a precious cargo of manly freight
does arrive, the demand, like the demand for fresh beef
and pork in Chicago during a railroad strike, is always
greater than the supply.

I should like to mention, here, that I did not approve
of the killing of Mr. Gower Robinson, English dude and
broker, by Lieutenant Hetherington, U. S. N., for his
carryings-on with the latter’s giddy wife. Lieutenant
Hetherington was well aware of the tropical temperature
that prevailed all the year around in Oriental society,
when he permitted his silly young wife to go out te Yoko-
hama; and I think that in slaying the first man who paid
his respects to Mrs. Hetherington during his absence, the
lieutenant not only made a fool of himself, but he dis-
played a lack of appreciativeness that was very unbe-
coming to an officer anda gentleman, and detrimental
to good order and discipline. Mr. Hetherington knew
how amiably and kindly his brother officers were always
treated by the semi-matronly ladies of Yokohama, there-
fore he had no right to slaughter a man like that for
merely trying to make an old established rule work both
ways.

There was one officer on board, however, who would
have nothing to do with that class of society. Lieuten-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 107

ant Wadham, true to his ‘faith,’ devoted all his leisure
moments to missionary ladies.

It was hinted by Mr. Walling and Mr. Hoggett, and
others who did not like the navigater, that the latter was
not as religious as he pretended to be. Some of these
wicked officers even went so far as to declare that Mr.
Wadham was a huge fraud, and that he had only been
practicing up his religion on the way out from New York,
in order to be able to ‘‘stand in” with Mr. Meecham,
Miss Britton, Mr. Staniland, and Mr. Loomis, and other
old sinners of that sanctimonious ilk in Yokohama, and
incidentally to curry favor with the wives and daughters
of all the other missionaries in Japan.

Methodist missionary society in Japan is about
on a par with San Francisco’s South or Market
Tar Flatocracy, and New York’s Tenderloin-Tamman-
ocracy as Dr. Parkhurst and Father Ducey have por-
trayed it,

IT have seen missionaries of both sexes, who landed in
Japan and started in with a little steamer trunk and a
certificate from the American Bible Society, or some
Methodist Missionary Manufacturing Company, return
home, after a few years, with silks, satins, and other
Oriental luxuries enough for a princess. ‘These valuables
they had received, no doubt, in exchange for ‘salvation
of the souls of the heathen” (?). ‘ Christian civiliza-
tion!” Bah! Our Saviour never taught any such
Christianity as that. But it is ‘“‘irreverent’’ to expose
such hypocrisy.

From a mere rumor at first, it soon developed into
common talk all over the ship, that the navigater was
just as bad as the rest of the officers, and, indeed, worse,
for the others never pretended to be saints, while the
navigater wanted to convert the whole crew, from
108 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Captain Jewell on down to the quarter gunner’s
‘chicken’ (a boy named Conan) into a little Salvation
Army.

After we had been in Yokohama a couple of weeks, and
the daily routine had been resumed,—after the ball, —and
all hands began to evince a decided inclination to stay on
board the ship at least two nights during each week to
recuperate, Mr. Wadham made one mighty effort to
redeem his lost reputation and re-establish his amateur
prayer meetings. He announced, one day, that he would
bring some of his lady friends on board that night, to
entertain the boys with music. ‘The idea would not have
been a bad one had he brought along some of the lady
friends of the other officers; but this he would not do,
He brought all missionaries. It took three trips of the
steam launch to the creek landing to bring them all on
board. And such a lot of old pie-faces you never saw
in all your life! The toughest-looking specimens of
ex-massage artists, and other ‘‘Mary Magdelens” that I
ever saw in the Salvation Army would be Venuses along-
side of some of the prettiest of the navigater’s ex-cook,
ex-chambermaid, and ex-washerwoman missionary friends,
The fact of his keeping company with such frightful-
looking old freaks was, at least, one point in the navi-
gater’s favor, so far as the re-establishment of his
religious pretensions went. We boys were very young
then, and we had a good deal to learn. Some of us were
inclined to let up on Mr. Wadham a little, and make less
fun of his psalm-singing, for we were beginning to think
that we had been a little too severe in our criticisms of
him all along, and that, perhaps, after all, he was all
right, except in the head. Hartel and Walsh called a
meeting of the boys on the forecastle, and a motion was
made to senda committee of three to apologize to the
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS, 10g

navigater and beg his pardon for having called him a
‘“sanctimonious old sinner.”

The tidal wave of public sympathy was at its height,
and the motion was just about to be voted upon, and
most undoubtedly it would have been carried by acclama-
tion, had it not been for the presence of older and wiser
counsel. Old Nick Leah, one of the boatswain’s mates,
asked if he might be permitted to address the meet-
ing. Nick was an old war veteran of wide ‘‘social”’
as well as fighting experience. A veritable old salt was
he, with his closely cropped mustache and long hair pro-
truding from his nostrils, reminding you of a Turk. In
a brief but well-chosen speech, Old Nick explained to us
that beauty was only skin deep, after all; and he further
stated that he could prove it by the history of New York’s
alleged ‘‘ Four Hundred,” that some of the greatest men
of the day preferred the ‘‘society” of the homeliest
ladies that they could find, to that of the reigning belles
of the season ; and he further stated that he considered
Mr. Wadham a sly old fox.

Nick put a clincher on his argument by relating some
hitherto unpublished facts that came out in connection
with the famous Beecher-Tilton adultery case. He
declared that it had been proven beyond any question or
doubt that Mrs. Tilton was the homeliest “lady” in
Plymouth Church. Nick went on to relate the anecdote
of how Mr. Beecher had explained to an inquisitive friend
why he preferred Mrs. Tilton’s society to that of some of
the younger and handsomer ladies, by showing the friend
an old rutsy-looking silver watch, the movement of which
he declared was superior to that of his gold watch.

This was more than we could stand. Bad as we had
believed the navigater to be, we had never dreamt that
he was a disciple of Henry Ward Beecher. Instead of
110 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

sending a committee to beg his pardon, someone sug-
gested the idea of keel-hauling him for attempting to
run such a bluff on us. After passing a resolution thank-
ing Nick Leah for his timely advice, and carrying by
acclamation a motion that if the navigater tried any
more of his funny business with us we would throw him
overboard, we adjourned the meeting subject to the call
of the chairman. Just what Mr. Wadham’s fate might
have been is uncertain, for the next day he was trans-
ferred from the Zssex to the position of flag lieutenant
to Admiral Chandler, on board the Brooklyn.
CHAPTER X.

Str Epwin ARNOLD has told the world what a good
time he had with the Gaisha girls in Japan, and Clement
Scott has illustrated and portrayed in several ably written
articles the different kinds of fool that old Sir Edwin
made of himself over the tea-house fairies, and how he
maligned and insulted the ladies of America and Europe
by comparing them with the Japanese girls, and declaring
that these clumsy, shapeless little pug-nosed creatures
were prettier than our own queenly girls. Therefore, I
will not devote any space to the Japanese girls further
than to indorse all that Clement Scott has written about
that particular class that he and Arnold discovered.
They are not ‘‘in it” with American ‘‘ladies” of
similar occupations(?).

I should like to keep on and give the reader the full
benefit of all that I have recorded in my diary concerning
the doings of American and European society as it really
is in Yokohama, Tokio, Kobe, Nagasaki, Shanghai, Chee-
foo, Hong Kong, and other Oriental cities, but, in order
to do justice to the subject, it would be necessary for me
to take the reader back over a considerable portion of
the distance that we have already traversed between New
York and San Francisco. As I said before, I considered
it necessary to tell how I happened to come here before
undertaking to reproduce what I have written in my
memorandum book since my arrival ; therefore, I will
leave Oriental society to the naval officers, and give a

rir
112 CHAAIBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

very brief outline of the rest of the trip around the
world.

I remained on the Essex eight months after our arrival
in Yokohama, during which time several cruises were
made to the south of Japan, Formosa, China, Corea, and
back to Yokohama, the headquarters of the Asiatic
Squadron. We spent some time at Chemulpo and Chee-
Foo during the summer of "87.

In October I made application to Captain Jewell for
permission to return to America. My reason for desir-
ing to come home was that my enlistment would expire
in November. ‘The Zssex at that time was at Nagasaki,
Japan. My application having been approved of by
Admiral Chandler, I was duly detached from the Zssex
on the 8th of October, 1887, with orders to proceed to
Yokohama and take the first American mail steamer for
San Francisco, and report to Captain J. W. Philip on
board the receiving ship /adependence, at the Mare Island
Navy Yard, California, from whence I was to return to
New York to stand my final examination before leaving
the Training Squadron.

Just as I was leaving the 4ysex, who should come on
board but our old friend Mr. Wadham! He was sur-
prised, he said, to see me going home before the cruise
of the £ssex was finished, and, as he bade me good-by
and wished me a pleasant voyage, he expressed a regret
that he was not going homealso. lamsure that he meant
it, for the crew of the Brooklyn, the admiral’s flagship, was
more violently opposed to amateur prayer-meetings than
the boys of the Zssex had been. Ensign Hoggett, Mr.
Wadham’s old first assistant, and afterward successor, in
the deep-sea sounding expedition, was the officer of the
deck when I left the Zssex, and he, too, said that he
wouldn’t mind going back to a civilized country.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 113

On the roth of October I left Nagasaki on the United
States steamer Palos, and on the 14th we arrived in
Yokohama, where I had to wait several days for the mail
steamer. This gave me a chance to go around and say
good-by to my friends, and visit ‘Tokio, the capital and
largest city in Japan.

At nine o’clock in the morning of October 19, 1887, I
went aboard the Pacific Mail steamship Civ of Wer
York.

The steamer was moored to her buoy all ready for sea,
and was only waiting for the sailing hour to arrive. Mr.
Greathouse, the American consul-general, came aboard
with some final business instructions to the captain, and
to wish us a pleasant voyage.

Promptly at ten o’clock Captain Searle stepped up on
the bridge and waved his hand to the first officer up on
the bow.

“Aye, aye, sir!’ answered Mr. T. P. Deering, as he
ordered the boatswain to ‘let go.”

‘‘Hard-a-port,” said the captain to Quartermaster
Rufus Dixon ; and he gave the engine-room gong a quick
pull at the same time.

In response to the signal the ponderous engines began
to work, and the big steamer, in obedience to her helm,
swung slowly around until her prow was pointed toward
Honmoku lightship, when the captain gave the order,
“Steady as you go.”

Three blasts of the steam whistle and a dip of our flag
announced the departure of the Crty of New York from
‘Yokohama. Passing slowly out of the harbor, we soon
‘rounded the lightship, when the captain gave the order
to ‘‘go ahead full speed,’ and away we went. Down the
Gulf of Tokio, past Kanan-saki, past Sagami, and we
were out upon the Pacific. At two o’clock we passed
14 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Cape King, and headed up ina northeasterly direction.
This indicated that we were taking the Great Circle
course for San Francisco,

That evening, as I stood on deck and watched the sun
go down behind the dim outlines of Fuji-Yama, I realized
that Iwas homeward bound. Some time before I left
the “ssex I had received a very encouraging letter from

 

The ill-fated City of New Vork. Wrecked on
Point Bonita, Cal., in 1893.

Mr. Herbert Van Dyke, a prominent attorney of New
York, assuring me that he would put me into a good
position just as soon as I completed my course in the
navy. I had received another still more substantial
letter from Mr. Henry P. Marshall, cashier of the Sea-
men’s Bank for Savings, 74-76 Wall Street, New York,
informing me that certain remittances that I had sent
from different parts of the world had all been received
and credited to the account which I had opened with the
bank some time before leaving New York. Naturally I
felt pretty well satisfied with the prospects that the
future seemed to have in store for me.
SOCIETY AS It REALLY IS. FES

Nothing that seemed to be of any importance transpired
during the voyage across the Pacific, outside of the usual
daily routine of life on board a passenger steamer. ‘There
were very few passengers on the ship, besides a couple
of hundred Chinese down in the steerage. As there were
no nice young ladies on board to talk to, I passed most
of the time during the voyage with my books. Occasion-
ally I would have a few minutes’ conversation with Mr.
Deering, the first officer, and the genial Dr. Seymour,
the surgeon. We experienced good weather during the
greater part of the voyage, and everything went along
as smoothly as could be expected.

On the morning of the 4th of November we sighted
Point Reyes Lighthouse, on the coast of California.
Continuing on our course, we soon fell in with a pilot-
boat, when we stopped and took a harbor pilot on board,
and headed for Fort Point.

Just as we were entering the Golden Gate, Dr. Seymour
came up to me, and said he would like to have a few
words with me. Supposing that the doctor wanted to
tell me how to have a good time in San Francisco, I
joined him, and we walked up toward the smoking room.
Dr. Seymour was a man of very few words. He first
asked me what I meant to do after leaving the navy.
Upon my telling him that I had taken a course of train-
ing that would enable me to fill a positionin the merchant
marine service, he said that he was glad to hear it.
Then he informed me that he and the first officer had
been talking about offering me a position on the ship,
and he surprised me by telling me that if I would like to
take a position on the Cvty of New York, all that I had to
do was to say so.

I thanked the doctor for his friendly interest in my
welfare, and told him that I could not take any position
116 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

just then, because I had to go on to New York before I
could get my discharge from the navy.

‘Then the doctor told me that if I could possibly arrange
it at Mare Island so that I could get my discharge with-
out going to New York, it would be to my advantage to
do so. I had a talk with Mr. Deering then, and that
gentleman reiterated what the doctor had said, and added
that if I could get my discharge at Mare Island, I could
have the position of quartermaster.

While I was talking with the surgeon and Mr. Deering,
Dr. McAllister, the health officer for the port of San
Francisco, came alongside in the tugboat Governor
Perkins, and climbed aboard.

After inspecting the passengers Dr. McAllister had
a talk with Dr. Seymour, and then informed Captain
Searle that he could go up to the wharf and land his
passengers.

I shall never forget my first impressions of San Fran-
cisco. Leaving my baggage on the steamer, I walked up
the dock to make some inquiries concerning the boats
and trains running between San Francisco and Mare
Island. Upon learning that I would have to wait over
until the next day, I accepted an invitation from Charlie
Elsasser, one of the junior officers of the Cr of Mew York,
to go uptown with him. Charlie is a native son and he
is as bright and quick-witted as they make them. Owing
to his many good qualities he is what we term an all-
round jolly, good fellow; and what he does not know
about things in general around San Francisco amounts to
very little.

The first thing that I saw, as Charlie and I came out of
the Pacific Mail dock gate at the junction of First and
Brannan Streets and Mission Bay, were numbers of
whisky and beer saloons and chop houses. These drink-
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 11g

ing places were not like the halfway decent-looking
lager beer saloons which are so conspicuous along Market
and Kearney Streets, on account of the big ‘‘V”’ that
adorns the door and front windows of the places where
the dudes of the Cooke-Nosegrave-Mearns-Irving-Johnny
Powers free lunch c/igues are generally to be found nearly
all the time. They were low, filthy-looking places, with
vulgar signs on their windows which read ‘Steam Beer,
five cents.”

The men standing around in front of these places were
in every way in keeping with the general appearance of
their surroundings: tough-looking citizens with their
dilapidated old hats all knocked in, and the buttons all gone
off their ragged, greasy and beer-stained old clothes.
Some of these old drunks were Greeks, some were Scandi-
navians, some were Dutchmen and Germans, while there
were others who had upper lips showing a frontage of
three or four inches between the noses and the openings
that they poured their steam beer into—ugly, vicious-
looking old hodcarriers they were.

There were some females standing in the doors of these
vile places, great, flabby, vulgar-looking specimens of
femininity, with filthy little children hanging on to their
skirts. The background for this scene was the south side
of Rincon Hill, which can be seen to good advantage only
from the Mail dock gate. Upon the side of the hill were
the residences of the Mail dock stevedores, with numer-
ous dogs and goats prowling around.

The above-described scene did not surprise me in the
least, for everybody knows what kind of inhabitants are
to be found around the wharves and slums of all large
cities. But when Charlie told me that the so-called high
society of San Francisco, the society that we read of in
Mr. Greenway’s reports, was made up of the sons and
120 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

daughters of just such people as these, I must confess
that I was surprised.

Charlie went on to tell me that the part of San Fran-
cisco now known as Nob Hill, or Snob Hill, where the
leading parvenus of the city have built big houses, was
a regular wilderness forty years ago, and that some of the
people who live up there now came to San Francisco in
early days,—about the time that gold was discovered in
California,—and opened up just such vile ‘‘ joints” as
those in the slums of Tar Flat. But gold was plentiful in
those days, and the saloon-keepers, gamblers, and keepers
of disorderly houses had very little difficulty in accumu-
lating stockings full of it. The most successful of these
saloon-keepers were those who had women about their
grog shops to dish out the soup and free lunch to the old
miners who came to the city, fresh from the mines, with
their wallets full of gold dust. The more lewd and vulgar
the women they had about their free-lunch counters, the
more patronage they got from the ancestors of the Par-
venucracy. Many of those early day ‘‘ gin-mill”’ keepers
purchased large blocks of city real estate, and even gold
mines, with the proceeds of the whisky that their
‘wives’ served out over the bars by the drink. One of
these, Flood by name, is said to have accumulated enough
to build a brown-stone house and still have several
millions left over. Fair, O’Connor, and O’Brien were
among other names that were mentioned.

As we walked up Third Street to Market, the city
began to look better. Still those old wooden shanties,
within a stone’s throw of the Palace Hotel, plainly showed
that San Francisco was a very young city, and that its
architectural appearance, as well as the past records of
many of its ‘‘prominent”’ citizens, would have to be
remodeled in order to bring the city up to alevel with the
SOCIETY AS'*IT REALLY JS. 121

the present state of civilization in some other parts of
America.

As we walked on down toward the Appraisers’ building,
Charlie told me that all that part of the city from Mont-
gomery Street down to the Oakland ferry landings was
‘made land.” There was originally an arm of the bay
extending up as far as the place where the Occidental
Hotel now stands.

A mental glimpse of the village of San Francisco as it
appeared forty-eight years ago is all that is necessary
to confirm the statements of the native sons and daugh-
ters who take such pride in telling strangers how their
fathers built up the present city. When the United
States sloop-of-war Portsmouth arrived here, in 1846, she
found a few rudely constructed adobe houses standing
around on the sand dunes. There were scarcely forty
houses in the whole settlement. These included resi-
dences, custom house, warehouse, school, church, hotel,
bar room, and calaboose. This latter, no doubt, proved
indispensable to the citizens whenever a man-of-war
came into port. The Portsmouth anchored somewhere
in the vicinity of Sacramento and Davis Streets, about
where the storehouse of H. Dutard, the ‘‘ bean king,”
now stands. All that part of the city from Montgomery
Street to the ferries, and from the base of Telegraph
Hill for some distance south toward Market Street, was
at that time a cove, which afforded anchorage for vessels.
As the city grew up, this cove was gradually filled in with
all sorts of rubbish. For years it was used as a free
dump, into which was deposited all the dédris of the
rapidly increasing city—such as the ordinary garbage
that accumulates in back yards: dead cats and dogs, and
all other malodorous substances, including, I venture to
say, a few quacks, like Colson; shysters, like Cannon;
122 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY,

street-corner orators like O'Donnell and Dennis Kearney;
prize fighters like Jackson and Sullivan; fanatics like
Harriet Beecher and General Booth, S. A.; bum actors
like Rankin and Steve Brodie; dramatic critics like
seedy Peter Robertson; ‘‘spiritualists” like Mrs.
Charles Fair; card sharps like the ‘‘ Fruit Pickers”;
fake society reporters like Cooke, Cosgrave, Greenway,
Hume, and the Little Tumble-bug Irving—in fact, offen-
sive and useless things of every description were thrown
in to help fill up.

On top of all this bologna-sausage and oleomargarine
mixture the good citizens who favored the advancement
of civilization piled the sand and gravel brought down
from the hills as they graded the streets. Thus the
ground upon which the greater portion of the wholesale
houses of the city now stands is ‘‘made land,’ indeed.
Considering certain portions of the material used, the
stranger should not blame the commission merchants
for all the variety of odors which arise from that part
of the Pacific Slope metropolis.
CHAPTER XI.

On the 5th of November, 1887, the day after my
arrival in San Francisco, I went up to Mare Island and
reported on board the U. S. S. Zadependence, and made
application a day later to Captain J. W. Philip, for my
discharge from the navy.

The captain said that it was against the rules and
regulations of the Navy Department to discharge
apprentices on the Pacific Coast, but he would telegraph
to Washington and see what he could do for me. Walk-
ing over to his desk, Captain Phillip wrote out a tele-
gram and, handing it to me, he said: ‘‘ Take this up to
Admiral Belknap and tell him that I told you to ask him
to approve it.’’*

I did as the captain instructed me. Going up to the
admiral’s house, I rang the door bell and the butler let
me in. The admiral spoke very encouragingly to me,
and besides approving the telegram, he gave me some
good advice,—for which I am very thankful,—and then
ordered the coxswain of his private steam barge to take
me over to Vallejo in order that I might send the tele-
gram off right away. This special courtesy from the
admiral just prior to my promotion was appreciated.

* Admiral Belknap retired from the Navy in the year 1892, after
having spent about forty-six years of his life in the service of the
country. He resides with his family at his home on Beacon Street,
Brookline, Mass. He bears the distinction of having fired the last hos-
tile shot at Fort Sumter.

123
124 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

A few minutes later the young lady operator at Vallejo
sent the following message over the wires:

MARE IsLanp NAvy YARD, CAL.,
November 7, 1887.
To Chief of Bureau of Equipments and Recruiting, Navy Dept.,
Washington, D.C.

Respectfully request that W. H. Chambliss be given his discharge
here to enable him to take an officer’s position on Mail Steamer, He
waives all claims to transportation East. Please answer soon as possible.
Steamer sails soon. Chambliss’ enlistment is out.

(Signed) COMMANDER PHILIP.

(Approved) BELKNAP,

Commandant.

The next morning Captain Philip sent his orderly to
tell me to come into his cabin. I had read a great deal
of nature’s own noblemen, and had heard certain people
spoken as such, but when I left the Zndependence that
afternoon for San Francisco, it was witha firm convic-
tion that I had met one in the person of Captain J. W.
Philip, U. S.N. I still think so. It was not on account
of the great favor that the captain did for me that made
me form such an exalted opinion of him; it was his highly
refined and courteous manner, and his manly way of say-
ing and doing things. Having informed me that he had
just received a telegram from the Navy Department at
Washington granting my request for discharge, the cap-
tain proceeded to give me some good advice, which I
shall never forget.

No man could make a mistake in acting on any advice
that Captain Philip might favor him with. He went on
to tell me that frankness and truthfulness were among
the first qualifications of a gentleman, and that if a per-
son would make up his mind to be perfectly natural and
 

 

 

 

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Rear Admiral, U.S. N. (retired ).

“When a foreigner who has only been in this country
a few years says that he has as much right here as a
native-born citizen, I deny it.”-—Belknap.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 127

straightforward in all things, and stick to it, nothing
could prevent him from getting along in the world.

After paying me a compliment that I could not repeat
here for fear of being called egotistical, Captain Philip
informed me that he had recently commanded the Cvty
of New York—in fact, had brought her out to San Fran-
cisco from Philadelphia, by way of Cape Horn, when she
was a new ship. Heconsidered her one of the best ships
under the American flag, and he congratulated me on
being so fortunate as to get a position on her along with
“*so courteous a gentleman as Captain Searle.”

Captain Philip then shook hands with me and bade me
good-by. Then I walked over the gangway of the /xue-
pendence, and stepped down into the steam launch, and
out of the service of the United States Navy, a full
grown American citizen.

Crossing over to Vallejo, I boarded the steamer /u/a,
and was soon on my way to San Francisco. While I was
glad to be out of the navy, I had no regrets for having
served three years and three months under the com-
mands of such refined gentlemen as Captain Arthur R.
Yates, Captain Silas Terry, Captain Theodore F. Jewell,
and Captain Philip.

The next morning, November 9, 1887, I reported for
duty to First Officer IT. P. Deering on board the steamship
City of New York, and was immediately appointed to the
position of quartermaster.

The principal duty of a quartermaster of an ocean
steamer is to steer the ship. One of the quartermasters
must be at the wheel all the time at sea.

While the steamer is in port, the duties of the quarter-
master correspond with the duties of an ensign on a
man-of-war of the second class—that is, he stands the
deck watches and looks out for the ship at night
128 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

At sea, as well as in port, the quartermaster is in a
position to see and hear a good deal more that goes on
among the passengers than even the captain. He can’t
help hearing and seeing, no matter how distasteful some
things may be. Ashe is only a junior officer, the pas-
sengers are not so particular about how they act in his
presence as they generally are when one of the higher
officers or the captain is around. I once asked an old
sea captain—I do not mean Captain Searle—why he had
never married, and his reply was that while he was
quartermaster he had seen so much of the carryings-on
of married ladies traveling without their husbands, that
he had decided to stay single until he got able to give up
going to sea, so that he could live on shore. The old
sinner argued that since the wives of gentlemen who live
on shore act so funny as soon as they get on board ship
and out of sight of their husbands, it stands to reason
that a sea captain’s wife left on shore would do the same
thing during her husband’s absence.

The more I saw of the married portion of the travel-
ing public,—and I have seen a great deal—especially
ladies who go off on sea voyages while their husbands are
toiling away in their offices, the more I thought of what
the old captain said about them ; and the more I think,
the more thoroughly convinced do I become that there was
a good deal of sound logic in his words, even if it did
sound a little crude. It isa mistake for a seafaring man
to get married and go off to sea, leaving his wife in San
Francisco.

It is bad enough even when these men have homes of
‘their own to leave their wives at during their absence ;
but when it comes to leaving a young wife in one of
those Pine Street or Sutter Street ‘‘family” boarding
houses, among the “ fruit-pickers,” while the husband
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 129

goes off to China or Australia for a two months’ voyage,
it is enough to distress the most indifferent husband in
the world.

It would seem that no married man could live a more
unsatisfactory life, or be placed in a position that would
render him more unhappy, than he who runs between San
Francisco and distant foreign ports, while his wife
stops all alone in a boarding house, such as the Vella
Blista.

Incredible as it may seem to the uninitiated, there are
others who are worse off twenty times over, in this
respect, than the ordinary steamship men. Those others
are the naval officers who go off on long cruises, and
are sometimes separated from their wives and children
for periods of three years atatime. I heard a young man,
prominent in San Francisco society, give a touching
illustration of the uncertainty of this sort of life not long
ago. Although the young man did not mean to betray any
of the little secrets that his mother may have intrusted
to his keeping, his own words will serve to confirm the
general opinion of the public concerning the inadvisability
of those long separations.

It happened at a large dinner party at the Palace
Hotel. After several speeches had been made by other
distinguished guests, the young man in question was
called upon. He responded very promptly, and enter-
tained the party at least ten minutes by relating the
history of the wonderful military achievements of his
father, who was a captain in the navy. He finally con-
cluded his narrative by stating that he was born at the
close of the Civil War, and that at the time of his birth
his ‘‘father’’ and mother had not seen each other in
four years.

To my esteemed friends who go to sea for a living, I
130 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY,

wish to offer this piece of friendly advice: Don’t get
married unless you can live on shore with your wife.

If you feel that you must get married, anyhow, for God’s
sake give up going to sea, unless you have a home of
your own for your poor wife to live in during your
absence.
CHAPTER NII.

WHEN I accepted the position on the Crty of Mew Vor,
it was my intention to make one voyage to Japan and
China and then return to my home in the South.

I never had the remotest idea of remaining in the
Pacific Mail service as long as I did.

On the 19th of November I sailed from San Francisco
on my first voyage as quartermaster. Instead of going
on East as I had intended to do, here I was going right
back to China again, and in the very same ship that I
came over on. This goes to show how little it takes
sometimes to change the course of a person’s whole life.
Had anybody told me when I was leaving Yokohama, on
the rgth of October, that I would return within two
months’ time, I should have laughed at the idea.

After a stormy voyage of twenty days we arrived at
Yokohama on the roth of December.

Three days later we sailed for Hong Kong, and arrived
at that port on the roth.

In just eight days from the time of our arrival at Hong
Kong, we were on our way back home, having in that
time discharged our cargo of flour, and reloaded the ship
with tea, silk, rice, hemp, and a general assortment of
other Chinese merchandise, in addition to which we
brought about six hundred Chinese passengers in the
steerage.

The mail steamers plying between San Francisco and
Hong Kong call at Yokohama going and _ returning.
When we called there on the 5th of January, 1888, I

3%
132 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

noticed among the large fleet of ships in the harbor the
old L£ssex.

As soon as I was off watch I got into a sampam and
went on board the Zssex to see my old friends and ship-
mates. No one recognized me at first, in my brand new
Pacific Mail uniform with brass buttons and regulation
cap.

Whenever a stranger goes on board a man-of-war every-
body wants to know who he is. As soon as the boys
found out who I was, their curiosity to learn how I got
back to Yokohama so soon, and how I happened to be
rigged up in a brass-bound uniform, was so great that
they crowded around me as if I had just been restored
from the dead. Of course I had to give an account of
myself from the time that I left the Assex, at Nagasaki.
When I told them all about it, and added that I was in
the line of promotion. in the largest steamship company
under the American flag, the last one of them vowed that
they would go into the merchant service as soon as their
enlistments expired.

Then Mr. Frank, the master-at-arms, came up, and,
informing me that Mr. Galloway wanted to see me, took
me down into the wardroom where the officers were.
Besides Mr. Galloway, there were Mr. Fechteler, Mr.
Poundstone, and Dr. Hawke sitting around the mess
table in the wardroom. These gentlemen were as much
surprised to see me as the boys had been. They all
remembered me as soon as they heard my name.

Mr. Galloway, who had succeeded to the important
position of navigating officer of the Zyssex, vice Lieutenant
Wadham, was very much interested; so much so that he
made me tell him all about my new position, how I got it,
how I liked it, and how much salary I received. In the
meantime Dr. Hawke had rung the bell for the steward,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 133

and presently that dignitary appeared on the scene with
a tray of glasses and a big bottle of good old bourbon.

Dr. Hawke said that he had been a surgeon in the navy
for a great many years, and that after experimenting with
all the different medicines that he had ever heard of, he
had come to the conclusion, that for ordinary complaints
a little whisky was the best thing that a man could take.
He said that it was a big mistake, however, to drink it
straight, as nearly all New York and San Francisco boys
do. Whisky should invariably be taken in water. ‘‘An
ordinary drink in half a tumbler full of water,” said the
doctor, ‘‘ not only tones up the digestive organs, but it
kills all the microbes and other dangerous impurities in
the water.”

After a round of drinks, the doctor went on to express
his opinion of other beverages, such as champagne and
“‘society punches.” He said that it was a waste of time,
and a useless expenditure of money, to drink champagne,
and he considered the vile punches that society people
drink at swell receptions worse than any other kind of
drunkard’s drinks that he had ever tasted. Some of
those punches are enough to drive an ordinary man in-
sane. The only reason why the dudes are not all raving
maniacs, from the effects of what they get to drink in
“society,” is because idiots can’t go crazy.

All the rest of the officers agreed with the doctor, for
the time being, at least ; and to convince him that they
considered whisky the proper thing for gentlemen to
drink, they drained the last drop out of his bottle, after
which I bade the gentlemen good-night and returned to
my own ship.

The next day I made some calls on some of my ac-
quaintances on shore, and met the sanctimonious ‘‘ Rey-
erend” Henry Loomis, who devotes his time to collecting
134 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

butterflies instead of preaching to the ‘‘ heathen,” as he
is paid to do by the American Bible Society, a business
institution which has a branch store in Yokohama.

We sailed from Yokohama on the 8th of January. One
of our cabin passengers died the following morning. She
was nota society lady by any means, but nevertheless she
had a great many ‘friends’ among the “ society ” swells
of San Francisco. Perhaps the mention of her name will
remind certain prominent members of the Bohemian, the
Olympic, and the Pacific Union clubs of many a pleasant
little midnight coaching party from a certain Ellis Street
establishment to the Cliff House; for among her baggage
were photographs of several prominent members of the
above mentioned clubs. How she got those photographs
I will ask the reader to decide.

The woman's name was Dolly Adams, better known as
the Water Queen; and the establishment that she re-
ceived her distinguished “ friends’ in was similar to the
notorious Stockton Street establishment formerly kept
by Maud Nelson, why is now Mrs. Charles Fair. I make
no apology to the reader for using the name of such a
character as Maud Nelson, because she has married into
a set that ranks among the most presumptuous and arro-
gant parvenus of America. When she married Charlie
Fair, and took him off to Europe on a bridal tour on the
income from the Stockton Street house, she became the
daughter-in-law of ex-Senator James G. Fair, and the
sister-in-law of Mr. and Mrs. Herman Oelrichs, of news-
paper society ‘‘ fame.”

The reading public knows very well how the names of
Mr. and Mrs. Herman Oelrichs, and the rest of the Fair
crowd, have been boldly flaunted in the papers to let peo-
ple know that they had lunched or dined with some other
member of the same ‘‘set”’ that they belong to. And I
 

A TYPE OF THE TOUGH SWELL.

Very abundant in the Olympic Club, San Francisco,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 137

suppose we will soon learn that Mr. and Mrs. Charlie Fair
are being entertained by members of the same vulgar set.
Are they not birds of a feather, and are they not eligible
to membership in the Friday Night Cotillion Club, pro-
vided that they can raise the necessary five dollars to
hand over to Mr. Greenway for their admission to the
dance hall ?

If Mr. and Mrs. C. P. Huntington, Mr. and Mrs. J. L.
Flood, Mr. and Mrs. C. E. Paxton, Mr. and Mrs. M. H.
de Young, Mrs. V. Spalding, Mr. and Mrs. Wise and others
of that stripe are eligible, I see no reason why poor, much-
abused Charlie and Maud should be excluded. I merely
speak of this because I believe in fair play.

If the escapade of young Charlie Fair is not a repetition
of history, I should like to know what you would have me
call it. When such creatures as those can pose before the
public in the society columns of the papers as representa-
tives of California polite society, it is time for reputable
citizens to keep out of print, except to protest against
such ‘‘ journalism” and such ‘‘ journalists’’ as would per-
mit such foul names to appear in a society report and on
a basis of equality with pure, innocent girls.

We did not bury Dolly Adams at sea. Dr. Frank S.
Sutton embalmed the body, and placed it in a Chinese
wooden coffin, and brought it on to San Francisco, where
it was turned over to some charitable institution for
burial.

On our way home from Yokohama we called at Hono-
lulu, on the r9th of January, to land several hundred
Chinese contract laborers that we had in the steerage for
Spreckels’ sugar plantation in the Hawaiian Islands.

Owing to the fact that the smallpox was raging at
Hong Kong, from which port we brought those Chinese
laborers, the authorities at Honolulu refused to allow us
138 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

to land either passengers or freight at that port ; conse-
quently we had to bring the whole load on up to San
Francisco.

Upon our arrival here on the 27th we were immedi-
ately placed in quarantine by Dr. McAllister (this gen-
tleman is no relation of the late society leader, Ward),
who ordered us to anchor over at the Angel Island quar-
antine station.

On the 3d of February all our steerage passengers
and Chinese crew were placed on board the Shenandoah,
an old United States man-of-war that Williams, Dimond &
Company, the Pacific Mail agents, had chartered for a
quarantine ship. The cabin passengers were permitted to
land. The Shenandoah was then towed over toward Hun-
ter’s Point, and anchored off Butchertown, from whence
the delightful odors that arise from the slaughter-houses
were continually wafted by the strong breezes that sweep
across the Potrero Flats.

Captain Searle also transferred all his officers and
engineers, except First Officer Deering, Chief Engineer
Hurlihy, Freight Clerk Neill, and Dr. Sutton from the
City of New York to the Shenandoah, along with the six
hundred quarantined Chinese. Of course we were not
mixed in among the Chinese. The old quarantine ship
had been prepared expressly for the occasion. We were
comfortably domiciled in the cabin, and the whole for-
ward part of the ship was occupied by the Chinese. To
insure us additional security from the smallpox, a high
bulkhead, or plank wall, was built across the spar deck
just forward of the cabin door, and no Chinese except
our cooks and servants were allowed to come aft in our
part of the ship.

Aside from the unplesantness of being compelled to
remain on board ship in the harbor of San Francisco,
 

MR. AND MRS. CHAS. L. FAIR.

(Nee Maud Nelson of Stockton Street) recently admitted
to membership in the Friday Night Parvenucracy.

By permission of The Wasp.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. I4l

without the privilege of getting ashore at all, and the
danger of catching the smallpox from the infected
Chinese, life in quarantine was not quite so bad as one
might have been led to suppose. We had enough inter-
esting characters on board the Shenandoah to relieve the
monotony of the daily routine enough to render life worth
living, if only to study certain peculiar natures.

Second Officer James M. Dow, better known in the
Pacific Mail service as ‘‘the Little Fellow,” a title that
Quartermaster Ahman had given him on account of his
small stature, was in command; and his staff officers were
Third Officer Lewis B. Park, Dr. Hunter, Engineer Charlie
Elsasser, Mr. Crane, a special night watchman, and
Quartermasters Ward, Dixon, Lindholm, and myself.
Mr. Dow was one of the most extraordinary captains in
his way that I ever served under. The quarantine ship
was his first command, and he realized the importance of
his position as much as if he had been in command of the
Charleston. He did not seem to fancy the idea of being
considered unsociable, but at the same time he gave the
rest of us to distinctly understand that he was captain of
the Shenandoah. He sat at the head of the table with as
much dignity as Jere Lynch presenting a fake Egyptian
mummy to the Bohemian Club, and related his own ver-
sion of his wonderful exploits with as straight a face as
“General” (?) W. H. L. Barnes could command in tell-
ing to a crowd of other not over-credulous fabricating
bum Bohemians of his own ilk, how he (the ‘‘ general”)
had vanquished two ‘‘murderous footpads,” who after-
ward turned out to be two quiet servants of the club, who
were detailed to escort the ‘‘general’’ home after the
latter had got into an argument with somebody at the
club.

..l hope I may be pardoned for diverging from the
142 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

regular course of my narrative in order to relate a little
bit of history concerning so prominent a personage as the
“general.” I should think that Mr. de Young would
use his influence with the gentlemen who rent offices in
the Chronicle building, and try and persuade them to
do less gossiping about certain other tenants of the
same building who sometimes go broke. Those little
differences between landlords and tenants, which arise
out of the neglect of the latter to pay their office rent,
are of such frequent occurrence among /awyers of a cer-
tain class that polite landlords positively refuse to discuss
them. If a tenant forgets to pay his rent for several
months, it is the duty of the obliging landlord to remind
the delinquent tenant, and not the public, of the indebt-
edness; at least that is what I have been told by gentle-
men who have had experience in such matters. There-
fore, I fail to see any reason why the case of ‘‘General ”
Barnes should be made an exception to this rule. Mr.
de Young, with all his wealth, ought to feel proud to
have as a tenant a prominent Bohemian ‘‘General,” who
after getting into a discussion over a little matter of an
overdue poker “I. O. U.,” or some such trivial thing,
could make the unsuspecting portion of the entire news-
paper-reading public believe that he had been regularly
waylaid and sandbagged by professional footpads.

The public will remember the ridiculous story, pub-
lished in the papers, accompanied with pictures of the
deadly sandbag and midnight assassin mask that the
“general” said he captured from his assailants. The
Chief of Police took up the case on his own hook, so to
speak, and placed detectives on the tracks of the ‘‘ foot-
pads.” In due time a man was arrested and identified as
one of the persons who was seen coming from the direc-
tion of the ‘‘ general’s’’ house about the time the assault
 

MR. W. S. BARNES, THE ‘‘GENERAL’S”
MODEST Boy.

“What of it if I az young ? Wouldn’t I make a better
Governor than Old Hoodoo Estee?”—Lvlly in the Wave

(at so much per line). Recommended for the free dump.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 145

was reported by the ‘‘general” to have been made.
Simultaneously with the report of the arrest of the sup-
posed footpad, the whole affair was dropped, the same as
Downey Harvey would drop a hot samadle,

The question naturally arose as to why the ‘‘ general”
declined to prosecute the ‘‘ footpad,” after he had been
duly ‘‘run down” and arrested while at work at his
honest occupation.

A prominent citizen answers the question about as
follows :

“Rats! That man was no footpad. He was simply
one of the two Bohemian Club waiters who were detailed
to take the ‘general’ home after the séance.”

Ido not say that Barnes never was a real general, but
can anybody tell me how, when, or where on earth he got
his title? Was he general manager of some concern?
or was he a director general of some National Guard
campaign ?

I have several friends who were in the Seventh New
York, the regiment that the ‘‘ general” ‘‘ commanded ”
during the war between the North and South, and they
ought to know something about the officer who really
commanded it.

General T. B. Bunting was a captain in the Seventh
New York, and he says that that regiment was com-
manded by one Colonel Smedberg, who, although he was
a full-fledged fighting colonel in the army, has never been
able to obtain a higher rank since he left the service. I
think that Colonel Smedberg ought to be able to give some
information about Barnes’ military rank.

General Bunting got his title from President Barrios of
Guatemala, and he would like to know how Barnes got
promoted from the rank of corporal to that of general at
one big jump. During the course of a discussion of
146 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Barnes’ phenomenal rise in military titles one day, a
mutual acquaintance handed me a big book entitled
‘History of the 7th New York Regiment.” There, in
plain English, was the startling and unkind information
that Mr. Barnes actually got up as high as the position of
corporal in the United States Army. But that is an
honorable position. A corporal might be just as much
of a gentleman as a real general, if he possessed the
requisite natural instincts.

Sometimes people come by their titles in very peculiar
ways. I knowa man in Mississippi who is called Colonel
de Salt Patterson. I asked old man Joe Phillips of Till-
man, to tell me how the ‘‘colonel” got his title. Mr.
Phillips is an old resident of Claiborne County, and he is
well liked by his friends.

“Well, William,” said Mr. Phillips, ‘‘so long as your
father was a warm personal friend of mine, I will tell you
all about it.

‘When Grant laid siege to Vicksburg,” continued Mr.
Phillips, ‘‘and cut off our line of supplies, salt became
very scarce in our vicinity, because we had been getting
what we needed shipped up the Mississippi by steamer.
All the neighbors got together and raised a large amount
of money, and employed Colonel Patterson, who was at
that time only a private citizen, to go to Louisiana to buy
salt. Patterson started off on the expedition with the
money, and did not return until the close of the war,
when he explained that he had been captured by one of
Grant’s foraging parties and taken off to prison. Patter-
son’s initials were ‘D. S.’. When your father heard the
yarn, he at once commenced calling him ‘ De Salt,’ and,
in order that he might be in the fashion, I dubbed him
‘colonel,’ since which time he has been known as ‘ Colonel
de Salt Patterson.’ ”
 

GENERAL THOMAS B. BUNTING.

A genial retired army officer, residing near Santa Cruz,
Cal. Formerly a Captain in the 7th New York, —the Tegi-
ment that Barnes did not command.
 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 149

Occasionally a man will receive a title from sharpers
who take this means of working on his vanity. I know
something about titles of this kind myself, and since I am
giving my experience for the benefit of the public, I will
tell you how I happened to be called ‘‘captain” for a
few evenings only.
CHAPTER XIII.

Tuis is how it happened: A crowd of enterprising
young men who conducted a private poker game for
‘friends only,” on the top floor of the very ‘‘ quiet and
highly respectable”’ boarding house at 905 Sutter Street,
heard that I had saved up about a thousand dollars
with which to defray the expenses of a proposed Eastern
vacation; and they decided among themselves that they
could invest this money to a better advantage than I
could.

I had been introduced to one of these young men by a
relative of his, who was well known in San Francisco and
in the Sonoma Valley as a school teacher, and is still
better known now on account of her having figured
largely in the divorce courts and daily papers in the
spring of 1893. Therefore, when the young man showed
a disposition to continue my acquaintance on a chance
introduction of this kind, I naturally supposed, as any-
one else would under the circumstances, that it was all
right.

It was not very long before I received an invitation
from my new acquaintance to call upon him at his
chambers in the boarding house above mentioned. When
I called, he greeted me as if he had known me all my
life :

‘Tam delighted to see you, captain; come right up to
my rooms, and take off your overcoat, and make yourself
at home,” said my extraordinary host; and before I had
time to catch my breath to request him to call me plain

I50
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. I51

*¢Mister,” instead of captain, he ushered me into a
pleasant looking suite of apartments, and introduced me
to several of his guests, who were sitting around the
room, The most startling episode of this occasion was
the manner in which he introduced me :

‘‘Gentlemen,” said my distinguished host to his col-
leagues, ‘‘allow me to present you to my friend, Captain
Fruit-tree, of whom I was just speaking when the door-
bell rang. Captain, permit me to present you to my
friends of whom I was telling you at the ball.” Then
(aside to me in a whisper as I was taking off my coat) he
said, ‘‘These gentlemen are fruit-pickers.”

I had always had an idea that ‘“ fruit-pickers” were
persons who worked in orchards; and it struck me at
first as rather strange that young horticulturists who
gathered apples, oranges, prunes, and other California
fruits for a living should wear swallow-tailed coats and
diamonds when making an ordinary evening call on a
gentleman friend. And then these ‘“ fruit-pickers ’ were
so affable and courteous that I felt sorry for having for
one instant imagined that they were ordinary dressed up
farm laborers. Subsequently I felt sorry for the farm
laborers.

I supposed, of course, that the ‘‘fruit-pickers’’ would
tell me all about picking plums, grapes, and the more
delicate fruits which are so abundant in this State,
(I knew that such sweet-scented dudes could never com-
pete with the Chinese in picking the coarser and more
vulgar fruits, such as watermelons, pumpkins, and
squashes,) but they did nothing of the kind, and I did
not feel like asking such ‘‘ polished’ young men whether
they picked prunes and strawberries at so much per
bushel, or whether they worked by the day, week, or
month. It was after dinner, and we were all in even-
152 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

ing dress; and it is very bad form, you know, to talk
“shop” after a gentleman doffs his rough working
clothes and dons his tailor-made suit of that hue and
fashionable cut which polite society ordains that all
well-bred gentlemen shall wear after the business of the
day has been laid aside for the peaceful enjoyment of an
evening with friends. The ‘ fruit-pickers ” talked about
everything except their occupation. They never said
one word about fruit of any kind.

A nice plate of pears and apricots stood among the
decanters of wine and bottles of ‘‘O. P. S.” and Bethesda
water on the sideboard, but, although I was invited to
sample the liquid refreshments, my host never once asked
me to have a plum.

When the conversation about balls, parties, charity
high teas, and the latest parvenu divorce scandals began
to grow less and less interesting, my host expressed a
regret that a high regard for good form prevented him
from inviting a few of his ‘‘lady friends” in to enliven
the occasion with a little music; and, just by way of an
apology for the lack of musical talent, he suggested a
little game of poker, ‘‘just to while away the time, you
know.”

One of the ‘‘ fruit-pickers”’ declared that his knowl-
edge of the game was limited, and I felt called upon to
offer the same excuse; but our courteous host soon
made us feel quite at ease with this ingenuous and some-
what humorous little speech :

“Why, the idea!’ saidhe. ‘‘We are not going to
play for money ; but we will play zt# a small amount
each, just to add interest to the game, and, as our experi-
ence is limited, we will limit the game. Gentlemen
never play for money ; they only play wth it.”

That settled the question, and my courteous host
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 155

invited me to take the “lucky” seat between himself
and his trusted first assistant card manipulator. He then
produced a ‘‘ deck” of brand new cards, and red, white,
and blue poker chips enough to go around.

The host fixed the value of the chips at five cents for
the whites, ten cents for the reds, and fifty cents for the
blues. Each player purchased two dollars worth of
chips to start in with, and the host’s first assistant, who
acted as banker, deposited the money in a cigar box, and
then, after shuffling the cards and extracting the joker,
he invited me to “cut for deal”; ace high and king
next. I drew a big red ace and got the opening “deal.”

‘“‘Everybody ante up a white chip,” said the host.
‘¢The limit will be a blue chip, and no one will bet any
more than that amount at one time.”

By direction of my host, I dealt each ‘ fruit-picker”
five cards and the same number to myself.

After the ‘‘deal” all the ‘‘fruit-pickers”’ said ‘‘ pass.”
I supposed, of course, that they had reference to the
bottles of O. P. S. and Bethesda ; but the host came to
my rescue, like the courteous host that he was, and
explained that the word ‘‘pass’”’ only meant that the
gentleman who said it did not wish to bet on his ‘“‘ hand”
just then. He further explained to me that since all the
rest had ‘‘passed” it was my turn to speak. If I hada
hand that I could bet on, I could signify the same by
‘‘chipping in” a white one. IfI did not wishto ‘‘chip”
I should gather up the cards and pass the ‘‘ deck ” to the
man on my left ; and I had the privilege of making it a
‘‘jack pot” if I chose.

‘““A jack pot,” my affable host explained, ‘‘ cannot be
opened with anything less than a pair of jacks on the
deal.” If no one got jacks or better before the ‘‘ draw,”
the ‘‘deck”’ should be passed to the next man on the
156 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

left, who would shuffle the cards and deal them over.
This was called ‘‘progressive jack,” and it progressed
with each deal as follows: Jacks or better on the first
deal ; queens or better on the second deal; kings or
better on the third, and aces on the fourth. If no one
got ‘‘openers”’ in four consecutive deals, the openers
descended to jacks again. ‘This was an interesting game.
Each time that the ‘‘deck ” passed for want of an open-
ing hand, each ‘‘fruit-picker” and I threw a five-cent
white chip into the pot.

After the deck had passed all around the table several
times, and there were twelve or fifteen white chips in the
pot, my host got the deal, and, shuffling the cards in the
most approved Banduria, and Friday Night Cotillion
Club fashion, dealt them.*

I got three jacks before the ‘‘draw,” and as it was my
turn to speak, I opened the pot witha redchip. All the
‘‘fruit-pickers”’ chipped in and the dealer said ‘‘dis-
card.” I discarded two, and all the rest discarded three
except the dealer, who threw up his hand, declaring that
he ‘‘ couldn’t see it.” I drew a pair of kings, which
gave me a beautiful ‘‘ jack full,” on which I bet two red
beans. One “ fruit-picker’”’ threw up his hand, and the
other one ‘‘stayed in,” and raised me to the full limit. I
called him and he showed me three aces and reached
his hand out as if to rake in the pot.

‘¢Hold on, Jack!” said the dealer ; ‘‘ the captain may
have a better hand than you have.”

* These two clubs have been largely advertised in the fake society
news. Their combined memberships amount to about four hundred
persons, comprising the arch parvenu element of San Francisco,
According to Mr. Greenway the other 299,600 persons in the city are
“the coarse, vulgar herd.”
SOCIETY AS 117 REALLY TJS. 157

‘Oh, beg pardon!” said Jack ; ‘‘what have you got,
captain? Show your hand.”

I showed my jack full on kings.

““Ah, Jack, my boy,” said the dealer, ‘‘ that’s the time
you burned your fingers! Captain, the pot is yours ;
take it in.”

I was now beginning to think that I knew how to play
poker.

“A jack full in a progressive jack pot calls for a round
of drinks,” declared Jack, as he gracefully laid down his
“beaten” hand and pushed the pot over toward me.

‘‘Let us sample a little of Sprunace, Stanley & Co.’s
Old Kentucky.”

‘“‘What’s the matter with sampling Cartan, McCarthy
& Co.’s O. P. S., Jack?” asked the host, who was always
addressed either as ‘‘ Hal,” or ‘‘old man.”

“‘Oh, hurry up, boys, I’m getting thirsty! Give mea
little O. P. S. and Bethesda,” said the young man from
Wells, Fargo & Co.’s, who has a good deal of Chin in
his name.

‘All right, boys,” said the host, ‘‘ Here’s to our dis-
tinguished guest, the captain, the boss poker-player.”

In a little while after resuming the game, one of the
“‘fruit-pickers”’ lost all of his chips, and purchased a
dollar's worth from me. Each time that my host dealt
the cards I got a winning hand, and in less than half an
hour from the time the game commenced, I had eight
dollar’s worth of chips in front of me.

Just at this stage of the game my host remembered
that he had a very ‘‘important engagement” at the
Hotel Vella Blista, one of those ‘‘ quiet family’ board-
ing houses that we hear so much about around the billiard
rooms, poker clubs, and other places where the young men
about town meet to tell one another what they know
158 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

about things in general—things that are not spoken of
among ladies.

When my host signified his intention of going out, the
‘“‘banker ” cashed in my chips and complimented me on
my good luck.

‘Of course, captain,” said the modest ‘ fruit-pickers”
in chorus, ‘‘ youll come up to our séance, Saturday night,
and give usa chance to get back the eight dollars that
you have won from us?”

Thanking the jolly ‘‘fruit-pickers” for their kind
invitation, I bade them good-night. My host having
insisted on my walking up to Vella Blista with him, I
decided to accompany him as far as the door. He was
a very interesting conversationalist, and, during the ten
minutes’ walk from go5 Sutter Street to the corner
of Pine and Taylor Streets, he told me a good deal about
himself and friends, mentioning the names of many
‘‘prominent”’ citizens in the most patronizing way. I
learned afterward that these ‘‘ prominent ’”’ citizens had
savory reputations. They, like the ‘‘ fruit-pickers,”
belonged to Mr. Greenway’s Friday Night Parvenucracy.

This mentioning of names was intended to create an
impression in my mind that he moved in the very best
element of San Francisco society. That which puzzled
me most, however, was the over-cordial manner in which
he treated me right from the start. JI could not under-
stand at the time, why this man, who professed to be a
member of high and exclusive society, should be so
desirous of introducing into his ‘‘set’’ a comparative
stranger, of whom he knew nothing further than what he
had heard from the mutual acquaintance who had intro-
duced him to me.
CHAPTER XIV.

WHERE I was born and raised, in Mississippi, strangers
from a distant State cannot get into the homes of the old
reliable citizens in this go-as-you-please fashion.

Ihad my doubts about my host’s real social standing
from the first, but I did not suspect, at the time, that
he and his friends were poker sharps.

However, when I came to consider that San Francisco
was a very young city,—barely forty years old,—I arrived
at the conclusion that this circumstance might be con-
sidered sufficient justification for the altering of the case,
and I was willing to overlook ‘‘ Hal’s”’ erroneous impres-
sion that he and his friends belonged to good society.

That my host spoke the truth when he said that he
knew certain ‘‘prominent” individuals, I have not the
slightest doubt. In fact, I believe that he knew them
well ; too well, indeed, for his own good. But when he
said that those persons were members of the best
element of Pacific Slope society, he did not speak the
truth.

The gambling element is not the best element of avy
settlement or colony, as large as San Francisco.

Let us investigate this case before we go any further.

My host was called ‘‘ Hal.” He was a clerk in the
Front Street liquor store of Spruance, Stanley & Co.

‘‘Hal” was wellacquainted with Mr. Hobbs and family
of ‘‘Jerry’ Street.

Who is this Mr. Hobbs?

I will tell you what Mr. Hobbs did for a livelihood for

159
160 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

a long time, and then you will know who he is. He con-
ducted a gambling house upstairs in one of those houses
between the Crocker building and the Chronicle building,
on Market Street, opposite the Palace Hotel, and not far
from Ottinger’s cut-rate ticket office.

Would a gentleman care to associate with the family of
a person who runs a gambling house on the principal
thoroughfare of a great city, if he knew it?

Perhaps poor ‘‘ Hal” didn’t know it.

“Hal” knew Mr. Jones very well, and he referred to
him in the most complimentary way, and informed me
that he was the same Mr. Jones whose name appears so
often in the society column of certain papers.

Who is this Mr. Jones, anyhow ?

The son-in-law of Mr. Hobbs. Mr. Jones is also a
great friend of Mr. and Mrs. ‘Will’? Crocker of the
S. P. R. R. crowd, that splurges so loudly on the money
that the corporation swindled the U. S. Government
out of.

“Hal” knew J. O’Hara Cosgrave, or Nosegrave, I
forget now which.

Who and what is this Nosegrave ?

He came here from Australia, to which country, it is
said, his predecessors were transported from Ireland.

Mr. Nosegrave publishes a little advertising sheet
called the [Vave, which is devoted to almost everything
that he can get a few dimes for mentioning. This piti-
able fellow is a splendid representative of a class which,
taken as a class, is well calculated to facilitate the belief
that Ham was not the only creature that married a
monkey, and, also, that Oscar Wilde should have plenty
of company in jail.

Mr. Nosegrave conducted his poor little /l’aze for a
long time in copartnership with an irresponsible little
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 163

would-be-tough, named Hugh Hume, or Spew Spume, as
he has been called.

Messrs. Nosegrave and Spume are as necessary to the
Parvenucracy as is the Parvenucracy to them. They
publish society news about the Parvenucracy, and silly
little girls, and sissie boys, like Mr. Addison Mizner, Mr.
Bazil Wil-per-force, Mr. Willis Polk, and little Georgie
Mearns—Wally Cooke’s shadow—read it, and pass it
around to their nincompoop friends, who also read it,
and, in their Oscar Wilde ‘‘fashion,’’ make much over it.

Mr. Spume deserves mention for having taken unto
himself a wife. Her name was Miss Sillie Brush (not
scrub brush at all), and she was a cousin to Mrs. Volney
Spalding, who is famous for a certain grammatical story
which begins with: ‘‘ Me and Mrs. Mackay.”’

Mrs. Spalding is noted also for her delightful ‘‘ card
parties,” at which Miss Brush was once a ‘‘ drawing
card.”

When Mr. Spume was connected with the /?’azve, that
little patent medicine advertising diatribe was sarcastically
referred to around the Tenderloin district, where its
subscribers and advertisers hang out ‘‘ vapor bath” and
“massage artist” signs, as the ‘‘ Vella Blista Hotel
family paper.” ~~

I bade ‘‘ Hal” good-night at the Pine Street entrance
of the Vella Blista, the ‘‘family”’ boarding house which
is an evolution—so far as proprietress-ship goes—of a
mining camp chop house of Virginia City, Nev., ‘‘ fame.”

The above mentioned names are a few samples of what
“Hal” represented to me as the best element that Ze
knew of in San Francisco society.

At the time of my first meeting with the ‘fruit-pickers”
I knew very little about San Francisco; a fact of which
these accomplished poker players were well aware. I
164 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

was just the kind of a young man whom they could culti-
vate the acquaintance of—a stranger who knew scarcely
anyone in the city. My knowledge of poker had been
derived from an occasional five-minutes’ game with two or
three of my brother officers on the Mail steamers for an
ante-dinner appetizer.

A few days after the pleasant evening at go5 Sutter
Street, including the quiet game, the sudden breaking up
for the night, just when I was eight dollars ahead, and
then the walk up to Mrs. Galding’s ‘‘ family’ boarding
house—all of which entertainment had been especially
arranged for the transferring of the aforesaid vacation
money from my pockets to the “kitty” of the ‘fruit
pickers,” —I received the following invitation:

No. 905 SUTTER STREET,
WEDNESDAY, January, 20, 1892.
Dear CAPTAIN :
The pleasure of your company is especially requested on Saturday
evening next at 8 P.M., sharp. Fruit for those who can pluck.

Yours truly,
Tue FRUIT-PICKERS.

I accepted this invitation. I had been invited to call
and give the ‘‘fruit-pickers”” a chance to get back the
eight dollars which they had purposely allowed me to
win, and had I not accepted, they might have thought
that I was staying away because I was ‘‘ahead of the
game.”

I shall not describe all of the details of the second
game that I played with the ‘‘fruit-pickers.” It took
place in the same rooms ; the same players or pickers
were there, with the addition of a young naval engineer
who was invited there as I had been, for the sake of his
money.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 165

The second game differed from the first in that it
lasted until after midnight, about which time I took my
departure, minus a portion of my vacation money.

The versatile ‘‘fruit-pickers’’ who had complimented
me on my ‘‘good playing” the first night, now consoled
me for my bad luck by inviting me to come again and
win back what I had lost.

I had heard of people who were foolish enough to
throw good dollars after bad ones, and after visiting the
rooms of the ‘‘fruit-pickers’”’ three or four times, on
their kind invitation to come up and “get even with the
game,” during which period I saw the remainder of my
vacation money evaporate into the ‘‘kitty” and the
pockets of the ‘‘fruit-pickers,” I realized that I had been
playing poker with men who never lost, but who, never-
theless, posed as gentlemen in the Greenway ‘‘ Four
Hundred,” which, at that time, was supposed to be com-
posed of respectable citizens.

The ‘‘fruit-pickers” adopted this plan of opera-
tion—this posing as gentlemen—for two substantial
reasons,

First : It was much easier to entice their intended vic-
tims into a family boarding house than it would have been
to get them into a more public gambling den. ‘The class
of gentlemen from which they singled out their victims
could not be induced to enter a faro den or a gambling
den of a low degree, such as the game that was conducted
by Mr. Hobbs, the father-in-law of the great society
column advertiser.

Second: In confining their operations to the victimiz-
ing of reputable citizens they imagined that they were
taking no risks of exposure.

When the average young gentleman gets victimized, he
is afraid to acknowledge it ; he is afraid that his friends
166 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

will laugh at him for having been so careless as to let
such knaves get his money.

This is a mistake. No gentleman need be afraid to
expose rascality of any kind. Every gentleman who has
the interests of good society at heart owes it to his
friends and himself to speak the truth and expose to the
public all such wolves in sheep’s clothes as this gang.
What of it if the exposed sharpers do accuse their
victims of ‘‘squealing” ? In so doing they merely cor-
roborate the victim’s statements.

The ‘ fruit-pickers ” formed a strong combination, and
they never hesitated about giving their victims to under-
stand that if they ‘‘squealed”’ they would be attacked
immediately by the whole crowd ; and in addition to this,
the victim would be blackguarded and maligned by the
IVave and the Evening Post, which two filthy little sheets,
“edited” by J. O'Hara Cosgrave and Hugh Hume,
always stood ready to accept for publication any article—
no matter how libelous it might have been—about any-
one who dared to say one word about the little tricks
resorted to by the three knaves of clubs, spades, and
diamonds known as ‘‘ Hal” Wright, ‘‘Jack’’ Nevin, and
‘Harry’ Chin, alias the Sutter Street ‘‘ Fruit-Pickers,”
and their friends Paxton, Flood, Fair, Irving, Cooke,
Mearns, ‘‘ Mose” Gunst, and Greenway.

It was good form for a ‘‘fruit-picker ” to go to a bank
where one of his victims kept his money and make
inquiries about his (the victim’s) account,

Firm in their belief that they could rely upon the pro-
tection of the Avening Post and its sickly little weekly
branch, the IVave, while the latter was in existence, the
‘fruit-pickers”” kept right on with their abominable
game until they brought upon themselves exactly what
they deserved : utter destruction.
‘SOATOSUIOY]} SYI] YONUL 00} poYoo]
yt asneoeq ssoiddns 03 pots} Surary ,, oIpiig ,, puw syoog suieeyy yey} oinyoid oy} St SIG,

‘SSYALNNOO HONNT daudd AHL AO SHOVAD TAAHL

 

 

 

 

 

 

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 169

This is how that happened: Mr. Thomas Garret, the
bright and enterprising city editor of a morning paper,
had known for some time of the existence of the ‘‘ fruit-
pickers.” Mr. Garret had, at one time, been connected
with the Post, but, in justice to this young journalist, I
wish to state that he did not approve of the tactics of
Hugh Hume and J. O’Hara Cosgrave in upholding
‘society’ card sharps and vulgar upstarts, including
some who were to be found at the Vella Blista Hotel.

Mr. Garrett made up his mind that he would rid San
Francisco of one ‘‘skin game” at least. Sending for
Mr. C. M. Coe, one of the ablest young journalists of the
city, Mr. Garrett requested this young gentleman to
write an article that would put an end to the ‘ fruit-
picker ” combination forever.

Mr. Coe commenced on them in his own peculiar style,
and, on the morning of May 9g, 1893, he exploded a bomb
in their midst, which brought them down with a crash
that resounded from North Beach to Tar Flat, inclusive.
The following are a few fragments of the reform bomb
which I collected together and preserved as a remem-
brance of the good work that it accomplished when
Messrs. Garrett and Coe touched it off in the form of
a two-column article. This article was the honest work
of two journalists :

‘*ROUGH ON MR. FRUIT-TREE.

‘* Fruit-pickers too much for him.”

‘‘A racy story got into circulation yesterday that Mr.
Fruit-tree, the young society leader, who is well known
here, had, a few nights ago, been done up to the tune of
a large sum of money ina room at a boarding house at
No. go5 Sutter Street. The story goes that the room
was regularly occupied by Hallock Wright; that the
170 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

room was completely fitted with tables covered with
green cloth; that there was a ‘kitty’ in each table,
and stacks upon stacks of poker chips, and bushels of
cards, so as to be ready for whosoever might come.

“ According to the rumor there were three or four
young men about Wright who posed as society men,
who really spent a good deal of their time gambling.

“Wright is president of the Banduria Club, and holds
a position with Spruance, Stanley & Co. The others
who lend their assistance are: John Nevin, who is
in the employ of Cartan, McCarty & Co.; Harry Chin,
an employee of Wells, Fargo & Co., and W. H. Fitz-
gerald.*

“Fitzgerald was not in the party when Mr. Fruit-tree
dropped the money aforesaid; but he was there on many
other occasions, and he was a sharer in the general fund
that was raked in. Furthermore, it is said that Mr.
Fruit-tree was not the only victim, but that man after
man had been invited to the Sutter Street home of the
‘‘fruit-pickers,” as they playfully styled themselves,
and that their gains would probably foot up eight thou-
sand or ten thousand dollars.

“Tt was stated that among the many who had been
taken in, under the guise of friendship, was no less a
personage than the son of Admiral de Krafts. Lieuten-
ant Armin Hartrath was another whose name was men-
tioned as having plunked in most of his salary for many
months over the green cloth of the enterprising young
men who congregated in the rooms at the top of the very
quiet and highly respectable (?) Sutter Street boarding
house,

‘An inquiry into the details developed the fact that

* This was a printer's error in the paper. The right name is Fitz-
hugh, a parvenu politician,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. I7I

the story was true, and that it was so full of interesting
particulars as to fairly daze the society people, who
looked upon the young men as models of propriety,
so far as putting up a quiet little enterprise to get the
good red gold of the unwary was concerned.

‘“‘It appears that of the numberless poker decks that
were in easy reach, the one used for a time was laid
aside every once in a while to ‘cool off,’ as they ex-
pressed it, and that another deck would be produced.
From this deck a good hand was always dealt to the
invited guest; but some one of the ‘fruit-pickers’
always got a better hand, and, as a result, the unsus-
pecting guest would drop his roll. The ‘kitty,’ which
has been alluded to, was always kept moving, and money
was being jingled into it all the time. As for the con-
tents of the ‘kitty,’ however, Mr. Wright virtuously
disclaimed that it went in any way toward paying for
refreshments. He hospitably furnished those himself.
The ‘kitty’ was merely to pay the girl for cleaning up
the room. As the victims noticed, however, that there
were as much as twelve or fourteen dollars in the ‘kitty’
after a game, they now have their suspicions that this
was utilized by their thrifty host in liquidating his board
bill.”

To the uninitiated I will explain what a “kitty” ina
poker game is: It isa contribution box regularly fitted
on the under side of the center of the poker table. The
contributions are deposited in this box through a little
slot in the middle of the table. This slot is similar to
that in the nickel-in-the-slot machine, but it differs from
the latter to the extent that the contributors never get
anything in return for what they are required to drop in.

The man who runs the game requires each player to
172 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, Ok,

drop into the ‘kitty’? a certain tax on all the ‘‘pots”
that he wins; and it goes there to remain until the
game is over and the guests are gone, when the thrifty
host takes the contents of the box and puts it in his
pocket.

This poker ‘‘income tax” is based upon the strength of
the winner's “‘ hand” rather than upon the amount of his
winnings. For example, the ‘‘fruit-picker ” system com-
pels the winning man to pay ‘‘income tax ” as follows :

,

One pair of anything below aces, é Io cents.
One pair of aces, A ng; *
Two ordinary pairs, : ‘ s 2o 7
Aces up, ; 25, -f
Three of a kind (ordinary), Z B07.
Three aces, ‘ ‘ . ‘ i 3 $ aa
Plain straight, 3 4o ‘*
Plain flush, : 45 ‘
Full hand (ordinary), ‘ “ . sa
Ace full, F . é (aes
Four deuces, 3 ‘ 60 ‘
Four aces, ; ; : ; 65 “*
Royal straight flush, : $1.00

From the ‘“ fruit-picker ” schedule, the danger of hold-
ing “big hands” in a five-cent av¢e game, limited to fifty-
cent betting, may be readily understood. Whenever
anyone complained about having to ‘‘dig down” into his
pockets in order to pay a tax of fifty cents on a twenty-
five cent ‘‘ pot,” the ‘ fruit-pickers”’always consoled him
by declaring that Webster Jones, Blitz Paxton, and other
prominent members of Mr. Greenway’s ‘‘ Four Hundred ”
played there, and that they considered it a ‘square
game.”

I suppose the Parvenucracy would consider it ‘‘ bad
form’ if I were to call this a ‘‘cinch game” to compel
the invited guest to ask the ‘‘ fruit-pickers ” to raise the
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 173

limit. But be that as it may, whenever the limit was
raised so that the guest might bet ten or twenty dollars
at atime, the said guest seldom got a winning ‘ hand.”
He got ‘“‘hands” that looked big enough, but the ‘“ fruit-
pickers ” almost always got bigger ones.

The article went on to say: ‘‘One stranger was about
all that the merry men aforesaid ever had in their rooms
atatime. Whenever a new man was gotten hold of it
was always by suggesting a little poker in a modest way ;
and once he got to playing the stakes grew.

‘‘ Altogether it is said that a very prosperous business
has been done at the quiet rooms at the top of the house
on Sutter Street. Wonderful tales are told of how well
equipped it is, and of the interest in the sittings. It is
confidently stated that the money the talented ‘fruit-
pickers’ have made during their long reign is a bonanza
alongside of what they have drawn in business.”

After reading the above article I discarded my
strangely acquired title of ‘‘captain,” and since that
time I have been satisfied with the title of American
citizen,

Apropos of the fersonne/ of the ‘‘fruit-pickers,” I am
inclined to the belief that Hallock Wright was led astray
by his companions. Like old dog Tray, he was all right
until found in company with Mr. Nevin, Mr. Chin, Mr.
Hobbs, and Blitz Paxton.

Mr. Wright seemed to be a good-natured, harmless sort
of youth, possessing no force of character at all with
which to resist temptation. Living in a boarding house,
where he came into contact with such politicians as
County Surveyor W. H. Fitzhugh, and such society lights
as Nosegrave, Spume, Cooke, Greenway, Mearns, Irving,
and Hobbs, it is not at all surprising that he got written
174 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

up in the Zxvaminer, and IVasp, and several other papers,
including the IVor/d and the Chronicle, as a card sharp.
Mr. Nevin, his bosom friend, is an ex-bartender, so Mr.
Bert. Wheeler says. Concerning Mr. Perrie Tiffany, Mr.
Bryson, Mr. Cunningham, Mr. de Krafts, and Mr. Hart-
rath, I am inclined to the belief that they played poker
with the “ fruit-pickers” because they were fond of the
game.

I believe that Mr. Wright has suffered enough already
for being a partner in a game like that in his private
rooms, which he shared with his ‘‘friend” Nevin.

In order that Mr. Wright may have the full benefit of
the doubt, I wish to say that he frequently went to bed
in an adjoining room, leaving Nevin (assisted by Chin)
and his ‘‘ guests” playing away.

If Mr. Wright would come out and admit that he was in
the wrong, and show by so doing that he disapproves of
that kind of dissipation, the good that would result from
his action would manifest itself in such a way that he
should never again have occasion to even regret his mis-
fortune in having been written up.

The poker episode, and his disastrous attempt to vindi-
cate himself and his friends by means of ludicrous false-
hoods published in the pitiable railroad folders, the Post
and JFave, in May and June, 1893, were the only dis-
honorable transactions that I ever knew Mr. Wright to
participate in.

Even now, at this late day, it is not too late for him to
redeem himself by coming out frankly and disavowing his
past conduct. Just as soon as he puts aside his false
pride, and acknowledges his errors, he will be reinstated
to good citizenship ; but until that time he will continue
to be regarded as one of the ‘‘ fruit-pickers.”
CHAPTER XV.

LitrLe Captain Dow was not by any means the only
interesting person on board the quarantine ship Shexan-
doah.

Doctor Hunter, or Doctor ‘‘ Booze,” as Charlie Elsasser
always called him, deserves mention on account of his
insatiable thirst, and his unlimited capacity for liquid
refreshments.

Like ‘‘ General” Barnes, Dr. “‘ Booze” was of the opinion
that the various brands of liquids were distinguishable
from one another only in that some were a little better
and moreagreeable to the inner man than others. In this
opinion the doctor found a warm supporter in the person
of Mr. Crane, the old night watchman. Mr. Crane was
an old war veteran and a member of the ‘“‘G. A. R.,” in
fairly good standing. Owing to Mr. Crane’s strict ob-
servance of army etiquette, he was nicknamed Mr.
‘*Post.”” Whenever he spoke of going on watch or on
duty, he always said, ‘‘I’m going on post,” or, ‘‘I must
be going on me post.”

Mike Hernon, the steward, was another character that
I must not forget. Mike had occupied the position of
steerage steward of the City of Mew York for some time,
and when it was determined to place the passengers, of-
ficers, and crew of that ship on board the Shenandoah,
Mike was promoted to the position of chief steward of
the latter ship.

That the position of steerage steward on a mail steamer
of the China line is a lucrative one, and that the salary of

175
176 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

forty dollars a month attached thereto is probably the
smallest inducement for those who fill those positions in
the different ships, is shown by the fact that some steer-
age stewards accumulate small fortunes in the course of
a few voyages. ‘This man Mike, for instance, who could
neither read nor write intelligibly, had, during the course
of a year or two, accumulated eight thousand or ten thou-
sand dollars, so he admitted. He was subsequently sued
for breach of promise by one of his sweethearts in Tar Flat,
whom he ha discarded after he had made money enough
out of the business of peddling liquors, chickens, ducks,
etc., etc., to the Chinese passengers, to entitle him to
membership in Mr. Greenway’s Friday Night Parvenu
Cotillion Club.

There are several members of the steerage steward
class in Mr. Greenway’s Parvenucracy. From the San
Francisco city directory I copy the following names:
‘Greenway, A. E., 813 Pacific Avenue; Greenway, John,
deck hand, steamer Z/ Capitan ; Greenway, E. M., clerk,
4 Nevada Block.” The latter is the famous ‘‘ Ned” who
“leads” the Friday Night ‘‘Cotillions,” and writes up
such extraordinary accounts of his own social ‘‘tri-
umphs,’’ and publishes those incredible stories in the
“society ” colums of the Chronicle, for which paper he is
a paid reporter.

On the rqth of February, 1888, the City of Mew York
sailed for Japan and China. The tugboat A¢iWen Griffith
came alongside the Strevandoah just before the Vew York
sailed and took all the officers and crew back to the
steamer, excepting Charlie Elsasser, McMahon, Dr.
Hunter, Mr. Crane and myself, and Mike the steward,
and enough Chinese cooks and waiters for the steward to
get along with.

After Captain Dow went back to his former position of
 

MR. GREENWAY’S GREEN-GOODS COURTESY.

His non-committal letter inviting a total stranger to
“come on” and pay twenty dollars for an “ invita-
tion” to a Parvenu steam beer cotillion.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 179

second officer of the City of Mew York, Mr. Cheesebrough
appointed a man named Judd to take his place as captain
of the Shenandoah. Mr. Judd’s ‘‘tastes”” ran in the same
channel as those of Dr. ‘‘ Booze” and Mr. Crane. These
three old ‘‘tanks’”’ managed to keep the steam launch
Pup and the late ‘‘Commodore” Taylor in active service
all the time, running between the Mail dock and the
quarantine ship, to supply them with whisky enough to
quench their thirst.

Every steamer that came into San Francisco from
China, during the months of January and February, 1888,
was placed in quarantine, by orders of the Board of
Health; and the passengers were transferred to quaran-
tine hulks chartered for that purpose. About the first of
March all of the Chinese passengers destined for the
Hawaiian Islands were taken from the Shenandoah and
shipped off to Honolulu on the barkentine Planter.

When the Chinese were ready to start, the Planter
was towed alongside the Shenandoah by the Alien
Griffith.

‘‘Captain’’ Tom Driscoll, the man with the historical
Burnsides which the humorous reporters have so much
fun with in windy weather, was in command of the
Millen. Griffith, and he gave us an exhibition of his bad
seamanship which cost the Pacific Mail Company a good
many hundreds of dollars to repair.

This is how he did it: When the Chinese were all
aboard the Planter the captain of that vessel informed
Driscoll that he was all ready to be towed out to
sea.

Driscoll is a representative of that class which imagines
that it knows it all and that nobody else knows anything.
According to him no one is qualified to hold any posi-
tion—even outside of the jurisdiction of political
180 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

knavery—if he is not Irish. In the common, everyday
phraseology of the careless person, Mr. Driscoll would,
in all probability, find himself referred to as a ‘‘ duffer.”

Instead of dropping astern of the Shenandoah with the
Planter in tow, as any sensible tugboat coxswain would
have done, this beautiful advocate of home rule in Ire-
land just ordered the single deck hand to ‘‘ cast off,” and
then went right ahead, full speed, with the port side of
the Planter scraping against the starboard side of the
Shenandoah. The result was that the backstays and
rigging of the Planter got afoul of the cathead of the
Shenandoah, and, as she went forward, her main topgal-
lant mast and mizzen topmast were carried away in the
twinkling of an eye.

This accident so completely disabled the Planter, that,
instead of proceeding on out to sea, she was compelled to
anchor off the Mail dock for several days for repairs ;
and all on account of the unseamanlike maneuver of this
bombastic ‘‘ Captain ” Driscoll.

On the 3d of March, the remainder of the crowd on
board the Shenandoah, myself included, was transferred
to the old side-wheeler Avzelope.

Sunday, March 4, 1888, set in with a strong southwest
breeze which continued to increase in velocity until it
developed into the heaviest gale known on San Francisco
Bay in many years. The old Antelope had long since been
condemned as unseaworthy, but the Pacific Mail Steam-
ship Company considered her quite good enough for a
quarantine ship. Human life and the personal property
of employees are not considered of any consequence by
steamship and railroad companies—Pacific Mail and
Southern Pacific for examples. We were anchored off
Butchertown, near the Shenandoah and the Alice Garratt
and the rest of the quarantine fleet, when the southwester
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 181

set in, but by noon we had drifted about halfway to
Oakland.

We had only one little kedge anchor and a few fathoms
of chain, which would have been barely sufficient to keep
the old boat from drifting away with the tide, even had
there been no wind. Imagine our dangerous position
with a seventy-knot gale blowing off shore; and, to
make matters worse, we sprung a leak, and then the
steam pump broke down, and all hands had to turn to on
the hand pump to keep the boat from sinking. All this
time we were drifting gradually out in the direction of
Goat Island. The seas rose to a height never before
known on the bay, and it began to look as if it were only
a question of time when our cable would part, in which
case we would have swung around broadside on to the
wind, and in the trough of the sea, and nothing could
have saved us from capsizing and going to the bottom of
the treacherous bay with all on board.

At noon we were fully two miles from the wharves, with
the wind and seas increasing all the time. One of the
Spreckels’ tugs, the Re/ef, attempted to come alongside
to tow us in to the wharf, but the seas ran so high that
she dared not come closer than speaking distance for fear
of a collision ; and then we had no means of getting our
anchor up, so there we were, at the mercy of the storm.

About one o’clock in the afternoon our attention was
called to the Alice Garratt, another boat similar to the
Antelope, with the passengers of the City of Peking on
board.

The Vice Garratt had parted her cables and was drift-
ing before the wind. For a time we forgot our own
perilous position while we watched the doomed vessel as
she drifted away. Several tugs put out to her assistance,
but they could do nothing in such a fearful sea.
182 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

Suddenly, and without the slightest warning, the wind
veered to the south, and the bay immediately became a
turbulent mass of choppy seas and driftwood. The Alice
Garratt, in obedience to the wind, began to drift in
toward the docks. She gave one big roll as she swung
around, and her smokestack went by the board. A few
minutes later she ran afoul of the big American ship S¢
Paul, and carried away the jib boom and all the rest of
the head gear of that vessel. Then she drifted along
almost on her beams’ ends for a minute, when she was
caught, broadside-on, by a mountainous sea which
finished her forever. She went clean down on her beams’
ends and turned bottom upward.

Fortunately for everybody on board, she capsized near
the Steward Street wharf, and, what would have been
classed as a miracle in Dublin, all hands escaped with
their lives; but they lost everything else, including
clothes and baggage, which went down with the wreck.

It now seemed as though it were only a question of a
little while when the Avnfe/ope would share the same fate ;
but the storm began to moderate toward sunset, and the
Millen Grifith (with a crew on board this time) came out
and got our anchor up, and towed us in alongside of
the Mail dock, where we remained three days.

On the 7th, Dr. McAllister and the Board of Health
met in council, and decided to release us from quarantine.

During the voyage from Hong Kong to San Francisco,
the surgeon of the C7fv of New York had vaccinated all
hands. My vaccination took splendidly, and I had to
carry my arm ina sling from the effects of it for a long
time. It was almost well, however, when I got it hurt
during the storm of the 4th, and, as a result, it came
very near costing me my arm. Old Dr. Hunter was
“full” all the time, and when I spoke to him about my
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 183

arm, the old idiot only laughed at me. However, when I
got out of the quarantine boat I called upon the United
States Naval Surgeon at the Appraisers’ building, and
that gentleman sent me to the Marine Hospital
immediately, for treatment. Dr. Sawtelle, U. S. N., the
surgeon in charge of the hospital, informed me that had
I waited another day before seeking reliable medical aid,
I would in all probability have lost the use of my arm
altogether. As it was, I was confined to the hospital
until the 22d, and even then Dr. Sawtelle cautioned me
to be very careful and not hurt my arm over again,
before he would let me go.

One thing about my trip to the hospital which was very
consoling was this: Dr. Sawtelle informed me that
owing to the violent effects of the vaccination, it would
not be necessary for me to ever be vaccinated again.

When the City of Mew Vork sailed for China, Captain
Searle left orders for those whom he detailed to look
after the quarantine ship, myself included, to stand by
to return to duty on the steamer immediately upon her
return to San Francisco. Those orders were left at the
main office of the Pacific Mail Steamship Co. and were
communicated at once, so I learned a long time after-
ward, to someone on board the quarantine ship. For
some mysterious reason or other, the person who
received the orders neglected to inform me that I was
mentioned in them. Mr. Judd, who was in charge of the
Shenandoah, and undoubtedly knew all about it, took par-
ticular pains to give me to understand that Captain Searle
had said nothing about my being expected to return
to the City of New York, and furthermore, Mr. Judd
intimated that my position on the ship had been filled by
a gentleman who was there to stay.

I was younger and a good deal more credulous at that
184 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

time than I am now, and I did not even think of inquir-
ing at the office, to find out the reason of this curious
piece of business, and then I was sick besides ; so when
I left the quarantine ship to go to the hospital, my mind
was made up to not report for duty again on the Cvty of
New York.

When I left the hospital I went in search of another
position, or, as some sailors would say, I ‘‘ went coasting
for a ship’’; or, as the old ‘‘ Forty-niners”’ would express
it, 1 ‘went prospecting.” At any rate, I went down to
the foot of Market Street and started to walk up toward
the Oregon dock.
CHAPTER XVI.

Wuew I reached Folsom Street pier I stopped to
admire a nice-looking steamer lying alongside of the
wharf. While thus engaged I glanced up at the end of
the pier and read: ‘‘Oceanic S. 8S. Co., for Honolulu,
Auckland, and Sydney.”

As I was out ‘‘ prospecting,” anyway, the idea struck
me that I would go aboard of this nice-looking ship and
look around. I walked on down the wharf to the gang-
plank, and asked the quartermaster if the first officer was
on board, and if I might go aboard to see him.

“‘Yes,” said the quartermaster, ‘‘ Mr. Hart is up for-
ward there on the forecastle; go right aboard, sir.”’

This was more than I had expected. Ihad not asked
the quartermaster what the first officer’s name was for
fear he would not let me go aboard. They are very par-
ticular about demanding of strangers to state their busi-
ness before going aboard some ships, but this quarter-
master was an exception; he not only let me go aboard
without cross-questioning me, but he even volunteered to
tell me the mate’s name. With this piece of encourage-
ment for a starter, I walked up to Mr. Hart, and,
addressing him by name, proceeded to state my business.

“Mr. Hart,” said I, ‘Iam looking fora ship. Have
you got a vacancy that I can fill?”

The first officer looked me over from head to foot
before he replied. Then, ina tone of voice that wasa
cross between a foghorn and a German brass band, he
answered by asking me several pointed questions,

185
186 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY ; OR,

“What sort of a job d’yer want?” was the first
question.

“JT want to ship as quartermaster,” said I, without
appearing to notice his polished mode of speech.

“© Whar did yer come from, and what ship was yer ever
quartermaster on?”

‘“‘T was onthe Mew Vork,” said 1, purposely omitting
the Crr.

‘“How d’yer happen to be lookin’ fer a job?”

‘“T’ve just got my discharge from the hospital, where I
have been laid up for repairs,” said I.

‘‘Did yer have the smallpox?”

‘©Oh, no, sir!” said I, wondering if it would be safe to
acknowledge that a little thing like a vaccination had
knocked me out. ‘I didn’t exactly have the smallpox;
but I——’”

“‘Oh, yes, I see,” broke in Mr. Hart. ‘Never mind
telling me any more; I know all about you young fellows
who run out to Japan and China.”

‘But let me explain,” said I, ‘‘and I'll tell you
what :

‘Explain be d d! you can’t tell me nothin’ ’bout
it, for I’ve been there myself, see? You're all right.
Come down to-morrow mornin’, and report for duty; I
won't be here, but just report to the second officer, and
tell him that I sent you.” So saying, Mr. Hart began
yelling out at some sailors up aloft, and I decided to let
“well enough” alone, and go back uptown after my things.

I was so elated over getting a position so soon, that I
left the ship without stopping to see what her name was.
I went on uptown and told Pete McMahon, the good old
boarding house keeper who kindly took care of my chest
of clothes while I was at the hospital, that I had just
secured a position on the Australia.

 

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 187

“Why, the Avstralia is over at the sugar refinery,” said
Mr. McMahon.

“No,” said I; ‘‘she is at Spreckels’ dock, because
I have just come from there.”

Then Mr. McMahon got a copy of the Guide, and
showed me that the Australia was at the sugar refinery,
and that, therefore, I had shipped on the wrong steamer,
or else I didn’t know what ship I belonged on. At this
point our discussion was brought to a close by the
entrance of the captain of a ‘‘ deep-water” ship who
wanted a ‘‘deep-sea” cook. I took advantage of the
opportunity and went and got a copy of the Lxaminer in
order to find out from the advertising columns of that
paper what ship I belonged on. Whenever I am uncer-
tain about anything, I always consult the Axamuiner.
Having been assured, on reading the advertisement of
John D. Spreckels & Bros., that I belonged on the
Mariposa instead of the Australia, 1 looked Mr. McMahon
up, and asked him to ‘‘come in” and have a ‘‘steam
beer’ with me, and not to tell anybody that I didn’t
know the name of my own ship.

On the 24th of March, at 7 4. M7, { reported for duty
to second officer John M. Bowen, on board the steamship
Mariposa of the Oceanic Steamship Company. I had to
look all over the ship for Mr. Bowen before I could find
him. When finally I sighted him, I went up to him and
said: ‘‘Allow me to report for duty, sir.”

“Who told you to report to me?” asked Mr. Bowen.

Having informed him that Mr. Hart had shipped me
the day before, he said he guessed it was all right, and
that I would have to report to the chief quartermaster
for further information.

I found the chief quartermaster, Mr. Dominick W.
Carvin, up in the pilot house oiling the steering gear.
188 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

Dominick was a well informed man, and a thorough
steamship sailor. What he did not know about utilizing
‘“soft snaps” on board ship amounted to so very little
that it would not be worth while to speak of it. He
managed to while away the whole forenoon in explaining
to me how to get along with Mr. Hart.

‘“You must not mind anything that Mr. Hart says to
you,” said Mr. Carvin, ‘‘ because he is one of the best
men that you ever sailed with. He is the best sailor in
the company, and could have been captain long ago, had
he only wanted the position, but he prefers to sail as
mate as long as Hayward remains as captain.”

At twelve o’clock Mr. Carvin took me out to lunch.
No meals are served on board steamers while they are
alongside the wharfs in San Francisco. The hash house
keepers, along the water front, have regular contracts
with all the large steamship companies to feed the crews
of steamers at so much per meal. Regular meal tickets
are issued by those chop-house keepers to the officers
and crews of ships in port. Ifa person does not use his
meal tickets he can exchange them for drinks at any
saloon along the water front, where a twenty-five cent
meal ticket is accepted as legal tender, and is always good
for a schooner of steam beer.*

I was coming out of the Palace Hotel one day, subse-
quently, when I was stopped by a tramp who explained
to me that he had ‘‘had nothing to eat since the Sunday
before last.” I had one of Mr. Mentz’s meal tickets in
my pocket, and I offered it to him, but he declined it on
the ground that he did not wish to die just then.

On Sunday, the 8th of April, 1888, I sailed from San
Francisco as quartermaster of the AZariposa.

* Members of the ‘‘ Four Hundred” who still own these saloons, on
the sly, may credit this to the account of free advertising.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS, 189

The following is a list of the AZarzposa’s officers:

H. M. Hayward, commander; F. W. Hart, first
officer; J. M. Bowen, second officer; W. D. Watson,
third officer; D. W. Carvin, J. Hernon, A. Linguist, and
W. H. Chambliss, quartermasters; August Law, boats-
wain; Dr. Giberson, surgeon; Mr. Smith, purser; Messrs.
Wilson, Whitaker, Green, and Dean, engineers; Mr.
Whitelaw, storekeeper.

On Sunday, the 15th, we arrived at Honolulu, Hawaiian
Islands, where we remained only a few hours, to land the
passengers and mails. At half past two in the afternoon
we got under way and proceeded on our course for the
Samoan Islands.

On Sunday, the 22d, we calledat Apia, Tutuilla. We
did not go into the harbor, we merely stopped off West
Point, where we were met bya little German sloop, which
took the mail and passengers that we had for that place
and brought a few passengers and a little mail off to us,
after which we proceeded on our course for Auckland.

On Saturday, the 28th, at 2.30 a. M., we sighted the
island called the Great Barrier, off the east coast of North
Island.

At 4.50 we passed Needle Point; at 5.20, Moko Hino
was abeam, and at twenty minutes past nine we were
alongside the Union Steamship Company’s wharf, at
Auckland, New Zealand.

The arrival of a mail steamer from America is con-
sidered a great event in Auckland; nearly the entire
population of the city turns out and goes down to the
wharf just to see the ship. Men, women, and children by
the hundreds swarm on board from the time the steamer
reaches the wharf until she is ready to sail.

I rather like the people of New Zealand, from what I
haveseen of them, They have a certain free and friendly
190 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

way about them that is charming, and, I think, highly
agreeable to all thoroughbred Americans. Notwith-
standing the fact that New Zealand is a British posses-
sion, the inhabitants seem to be quite as friendly to
Americans as they are to the English.

At noon on Sunday, the 29th, we took our departure
from Auckland, bound for Sydney, New South Wales.
During the voyage from Auckland to Sydney I made
what some soulless persons on board were unkind enough
to term a ‘‘bad break.”’ I came very near falling in love
with a charming young lady who embarked in company
with her father and mother at Auckland. Very fortu-
nately for me, as I imagined at the time, Miss Anna
Wilson’s parents got seasick as soon as we passed the
Three Kings, but the young lady proved to bea good
sailor.

I was in charge of the gangway when the passengers
came aboard at Auckland, and the old gentleman had
spoken to me and introduced me to the ladies before the
ship had left the wharf. ‘Therefore, when I saw the fair
daughter on deck all alone, I felt that it was my duty to
show her a little attention. She gave mea pleasant little
smile of recognition as I walked toward where she stood
holding on to the taffrail, and I lifted my cap in the
most approved naval fashion, and offered her my arm for
a promenade.* She accepted with that sweet, charming
grace which is so characteristic of the well-bred lady of
any civilized country.

All of this talk about young persons being able to
acquire refined and courteous manners without home
training or the natural inheritance of certain gentle

* Thad learned this from Lieutenant Fechteler, Lieutenant Walling,

and other society leaders of the Essex, It is a good idea to observe the
customs of proper persons.
‘C6gr ‘aunf “Teg ‘2nrD vyUES Iv peyojeyS—‘sasuviys v ,,dn Surzis,, sIo}SIN
Aspliy Jo o110}00 Ava use1y-1ouztq (uos)ippy-Aydiny ON[PN-PeOL WNYPeNGO-seppey oUL

‘AUNLING GNV ALSHGOW JO VACI ANAAUVd AHL

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 193

instincts from gentle mothers, is utter nonsense. Let me
converse with a lady for fifteen minutes and I will come
so near telling you what kind of parents and what sort
of home training she has had, and what class of society
she really belongs to, that you would have a pretty hard
time finding any very serious mistakes in my humble
opinions on this particular subject. You can tell the
genuine from the counterfeit the very minute you hear
the ring. Take the Mackay-Delmas-Quacknut-Mizner-
Oelrichs-Fair-Flood-O’ Brien-Catherwood-Greenway com-
bination of ‘‘ gentility” for example, and compare its
style of ‘‘courtesy’’ and “politeness” with the unmis-
takable genuineness and real refinement of the Eddys,
the Fritzes, the Hortons, the Halseys, the Rices, the
Phillipses, the Admiral Skerretts, the Phelpses, the
Belknaps, the Teresis, the Estees, the Dickinsons, the
Grahams, the Buntings, the Stoneys, the Caseys of the
army, or any others of that good and unpretentious class
of old, reliable, home-loving citizens, and note the differ-
ence between the two elements.

Miss Wilson was a native daughter of New Zealand;
her parents, having gone there from England on their
bridal tour, became so much attached to the beautiful
city of Auckland and its hospitable people that they made
it their home. They had two daughters, Elizabeth and
Anna, aged twenty and eighteen, respectively. Miss
Elizabeth, the elder daughter, was visiting relatives in
Sydney, and Mr. and Mrs. Wilson and Miss Anna were
going over to join her there. That accounted for the
presence of the party on board the Mariposa. The
two old folks seldom left their bunks during the
voyage. The motion of the ship interfered with their
comfort to such an extent that I had Miss Anna almost
entirely to myself whenever I was off duty during sea-
194 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

sonable hours, say from six in the morning until ten at
night.

Miss Anna was an early riser, and she would come
right up to the pilot house the first thing every morning.
It was against the rules of the ship for passengers to con-
verse with the officers of the navigation department on
watch, but no one ever thought of such an absurd thing
as prohibiting a nice young lady from bidding the officer
of the deck and the quartermaster at the wheel ‘‘ Good-
morning,” and asking the latter what time he would be
off duty. My ‘tricks’ of two hours each at the wheel
never seemed half so long before as they did when I
knew that Miss Anna was waiting for me. One day
she expressed a desire to come into the pilot house and
learn how to steer the ship. I told her to ask Mr. Bowen,
the officer of the deck, and she did it in such a nice way
that Mr. Bowen not only gave her the desired permission,
but he told her that he was sorry he was not the quarter-
master at the wheel so that he could give her the lesson
himself.

Miss Anna never forgot her seasick mother and father
for an instant; she always took good care to see that the
steward and stewardess showed them the attention that
sea-sick parents should have, and I, of course, showed
Anna the attention that I thought she deserved.

Almost any two young persons thrown together under
such circumstances would be liable to form some sort of
an attachment, if anything of the nature of congeniality
existed between them. Attachments of this kind some-
times result very happily for the interested parties; and
then again circumstances conspire to bring about results
which occasionally make people regret seriously that
they ever met. This case was an exception, for, instead
of falling in love, and developing one of those never-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 195

speak-as-we-pass-by acquaintances, Miss Anna and I
became true friends for life.

But there is always an end to everything that man
undertakes, and very few things ever have a more cruel
ending than a pleasant ocean voyage.

Early on Tuesday morning, the 3d of May, we arrived
in Sydney. We steamed right up alongside of the Union
Steamship Company’s wharf, at the foot of Market Street,
and by eight o’clock the last passenger, including Miss
Anna and her parents, had left the ship.
CHAPTER XVII.

Tue first person I had the honor of meeting on Aus-
tralian soil was the elder Miss Wilson. She came down
to the wharf, accompanied by several of her relatives
and friends, whose guest she was in Sydney, to meet her
father and mother and Miss Anna upon their arrival.

After the usual family greetings had been exchanged
all around, Miss Anna sent for me, and introduced me
to her sister and her friends, and told them about my
having taught her to steer the ship during the voyage.
The old folks, having recovered entirely from their sea-
sickness, were as jolly as the young ladies. The result
of all this was that I received a very cordial invitation
to call. When Miss Anna said ‘‘ good-by,” as the pleas-
ant party were leaving the ship, she repeated the invita-
tion that her mother had already extended, and added:
“We will be at home this evening, and will expect you
at eight.”

There is nothing, absolutely nothing, in the way of
courtesy, that a young man appreciates as much as he
does an invitation to call on a young lady, especially a
pretty one. Imagine one’s self a stranger on his first
visit to a city that is situated on the opposite side of the
earth to that of his own home, and the appreciation of
an invitation extended in the very best form by persons
of unquestionable refinement can be better understood
than explained.

When Quartermaster Hearne relieved me on deck at
six o’clock that evening, I went to Mr. Hart and ex-

196
 

SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 197

plained to him that I desired permission to go ashore.
The first officer, in his bluff, good-natured way, bade me
‘‘go ahead.” Two hours later I alighted from a cab in
front of a handsome residence fronting on Sydney’s
beautiful park, known as the Palace Gardens. The
dignified butler bowed courteously as he opened the
door and extended a dainty little enameled card receiver.
He read the name on the card, looked at me ina know-
ing way, and ushered me into the parlor, at the door of
which I was met by two lovely young ladies in beautiful
evening costume.

Talk about transformations! Why the scene in Fawst is
scarcely a circumstance to the change that the low-necked
gown with puffed abbresiated sleeves, and French coiffure
made in Miss Anna’s appearance, after my having known
her only in a gray traveling suit and yachting cap, suit-
able for rough wear on board a passenger steamer.
Both she and her sister were strictly proper in the
matter of dress, as well as in everything else. They had
been trained up in that by their mother, who belonged
to that particular class of society which Dickens speaks
of as the most desirable class for a person to be identified
with. Ido not recall Mr. Dickens’ exact words, but the
impression that I got from reading his version of what
constituted the best element of society, was that he
meant persons who believed in and lived right up to the
very highest code of moral law: the natural law which
the God of civilized man made after his own ideas, and
a copy of which he presents to each good mother—to
be—that she may begin in time to learn to impart its
beautiful sentiments (some persons call it conscience) to
that portion of the coming generation for whose training
she is to be responsible, and for whose acts she may be
held accountable on the day of our final reckoning.
198 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

This beautiful living picture,—two young ladies in
faultless reception attire, standing just inside the door,
with the tastily arranged parlor forming a most appro-
priate background,—which I beheldas I entered, convinced
me at first glance that I was in a home of rare culture and
refinement. It was not the mere fact that the ladies were
pretty, and tastily dressed, and the house so well arranged,
which reminded me so much of the homes of my rela-
tives and friends in that beautiful part of the South called
Mississippi, where my dear mother and father, and their
parents and grandparents before them on both sides of
the house were born and raised,-—-where refinement, cul-
ture, and pure hospitality are, to this very day, the three
principal factors in that which is called the pride of the
Southerners’ heart,—it was the atmosphere of purity that
the perfect lady creates in the home.

When the two ladies greeted me, the elder sister came
first, and extended her pretty little hand in a way that
reminded me of an old and beautiful custom, the origin
of which I have no authentic record.

To kiss a lady’s hand on entering her house, and on
taking leave of her, isa mark of respect that is always
due to the gentle sex, in polite society.

When I speak of the gentle sex, I certainly do not in-
clude Attorney Clara Foltz or any of her c/gue, or any
similar c/igue of women who are dissatisfied with nature
for having created them females instead of males.

Mannish women are not very gentle. Just think of it!
What! Kiss a hand which has filed charges, counter
charges, demurrers, and other vulgar type-written docu-
ments in murder cases, bigamy cases, divorce cases, and
other hideous litigations! Excuse me! I should as
lief kiss the right fore paw of a grizzly bearess.

I thank God, however, that my lady friends are not
 

DOCTOR H. B. SOLTAN.

The great advocate of common sense principles for
the government of society. Also one of the few so-
ciety leaders who refuse to cater to the Parvenucracy.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 201

like Laura de Force Gordon, or Clara, of the Portia
Lawd-help-us Club.

When I see a masculine female, 7# always reminds me
of those effeminate supposed-to-be men, like Mr. Wil-per-
force, Mr. Addie Mizner, Mr. Nosegrave, and such highly
perfumed mistakes-of-nature as Oscar Wilde is said to be.

The hostess, whose husband was a cousin to the young
ladies, and bore the same name, after welcoming me
and bidding me make myself at home, excused herself,
saying: ‘I will leave you with the young people fora
little while, and let Anna show you the pictures.”

There were four portraits in Mrs. Wilson’s collection
that I was astonished to see in an English lady’s house ;
but my astonishment took the form of a pleasant surprise
when Miss Anna told me that Mrs. Wilson was a native
of Virginia; Mr. Wilson having met her there soon after
the Civil War, when they fell in love and got married, and
sailed for Australia. This accounted for the presence in
an English house of portraits of Washington, Lee, Davis,
and Grant.

When I told Mrs. Wilson that I was a native of Missis-
sippi, and who my father was, I was invited to consider
her home as my own while the A/ariposa remained in Syd-
ney ; and she concluded by inviting me to be one of her
guests at a theater party the following evening at the
Royal.

I spent many pleasant evenings at the Wilson home
during the next fortnight, and to say that I was sorry to
leave Sydney, would convey only an indefinite idea of how
I felt on bidding them good-by. Here was a family of
citizens whose home was about as near perfect as could
be imagined. There are hundreds of just such homes
in San Francisco, New York, New Orleans, and, in fact,
in all American cities ; but their names are never seen
202 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

over the doors of saloons and poker clubs, and in divorce
courts a Za Parvenucracy.

As I walked back to the ship that night,—the eve of
our departure,—I pondered about as follows: What a
vast difference there is between a family of this kind,—
to the manor born, reared, trained, and educated in all
that is just, right, and proper,—and a “family” of typical
modern parvenus, born after the fashion of cattle, of
parents who knew not their nearest male predecessors,
nor cared a cent who or what they were; creatures whose
sole claim on the recognition of good citizens rests in a
coarse similarity in the formation of the body ; creatures
possessing absolutely nothing in the line of genuine ac-
complishments, and whose only acquirements are knavery,
presumption, vulgar pretensions, and an unnatural and
insatiable desire to grasp that which they know not how
to use properly when they get it, and which enables them
merely to display their true colors, that all the world may
know what they are,—pretenders, ignorant knaves,
vulgar upstarts, and arrant snobs, who, being possessed of
cyclonic imaginations, instead of natural brains or com-
mon sense, pose as ‘‘ high society,” and advertise in the
‘“society ’ columns of public papers that they are the only
citizens entitled to social recognition, when they are, in
reality, only pitiable laughing-stock members of Parvenu-
cracy.

Such creatures as these latter answer all criticisms by
saying: ‘*We have money enough to pay for com-
plimentary notices—see ?”

I sincerely regret the necessity of mentioning the best
element of society in the same paragraph with the worst;
but, as I have already said, I desire to explain the actual
matter-of-fact difference between genuine respectability
and the spurious counterfeit so easily recognized at sight.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 203

For further information concerning the last mentioned
strata, including names of those who compose it, see
the almost daily reports, written by themselves and
‘‘edited”” and published by their paid ‘‘leaders” and
special press agents, such as Cooke, Cosgrave, Hume,
Greenway & Company, under the headings of ‘‘Society.”

Here are some samples of Mr. Greenway’s reportings
of his own ‘‘social triumphs,” extracted from the papers
that he is paid to furnish news for.

Note the originality, the absence of repetitions in the
display of headlines, and the modest and unpretentious
style of this great ‘‘leader’’ of society, whose versatile
ideas of etiquette permit a ‘‘ perfect gentleman” to clerk
for the son of the late ex-saloon keeper Flood; receive
commissions from caterers and musicians on refresh-
ments and music furnished for dances for which he
charges his friends and other upstarts big admission fees;
take orders for small baskets of champagne; take little
tips ‘‘on the side,” like a waiter; pose as leader of cotil-
lions which are participated in by such ‘‘society lights”
as the Fairs, the Oelrichs, the Mackays, the Delmases,
the Goads, the Mizners, the Murphys (Nellie and sisters),
the Floods, the Catherwoods, the Crockers (even unto
George and the Widow Henryford), the Huntingtons,
the Hobbses, the Quack-Nuts, the Joneses, the Cookes,
the Birdie Irvings, the ‘‘fruit-pickers,” and the Lord-
knows-who-alls, and then, as if the above were not
enough to put to shame even President S. G. Murphy
and the entire crew of the First Irishonal Bank (who
tried to beat Mrs. Colton out of eight thousand dollars),
and the directors of the Pacific and the People’s ‘‘ Home
Savings’” Banks, with Dick McDonald and his dishonor-
able, gluttonous betrayers, Waterhouse and Dorn, thrown
in, this great Greenway caps all previous climaxes of
204 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

parvenu modesty by writing up the ‘‘details” of those
heterogeneous mixtures, and publishing the same in a
daily paper, with as much assurance as if they were
legitimate news articles.

I quote extracts:

“FRIDAY NIGHT COTILLION.
“FIRST COTILLION.

“Tue Fripay NIGHT COTILLION CLUB OPENS THE SEASON WITH A
DELIGHTFUL COTILLION.

“ More than a Dozen Débutantes Grace the Ballroom at Odd Fellows’
fall, and all of them are Lovely and Alluring Heiresses,

““ Mr. GREENWAY'S TRIUMPH OVER HIS ENEMIES,

“Tt has become necessary for the Friday Night
Cotillion Club to be more exclusive than it predecessors,
for which reason the most rigid rules have been applied
as to the admission of anyone without the fale.

‘There has not been a winter in San Francisco’s his-
tory which has introduced so many beautiful girls to
society. All of them are heiresses, and some of them
are exceptionally so.*

‘“‘In their white gowns, they gave the spectator who
could not dance the idea that they were young girls
going to first communion. They seemed so happy and
yet so tremulous.

* Owing to the fact that some of those ‘‘alluring heiresses”’ referred
to are daughters of such men as Fair, Crocker, and Flood, Mr. Greenway
neglected to tell us how the money which they are supposed to inherit
later on was accumulated.
 

THE SELF-MADE SOCIETY LEADER.

Mr. E. M. Greenway writing up the details of his own
“social triumphs (?)” for the delectation of the Parven-
ucracy.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 207

‘“‘The men, who were in abundance, flocked to them
as if they had known them since childhood; for there is
a ‘certain feeling’ among men who dance that the
young princesses of society should be welcomed with
open arms in order that the dance may go on.

“Next to the stage, at the upper left hand corner,
there stood a _ sideboard from which ‘seductive’
punches and many-colored lemonades were dispensed
between the figures—of the dance.

‘*Mr. Greenway was the very efficient manager of this
most select and enjoyable affair; and, like everything
he does, he did it well.”

Now, patient reader, what do you think about the above
extracts? What do you think of a person who would
publish such rubbish in a newspaper and take pay for it
besides ?

Such modesty is very good proof that public opinion is
entirely correct in declaring that when an organization
composed of a hundred or two hundred persons inaugu-
rates itself ona foundation composed of the ‘‘ gall” of
its ‘‘leader,”—who ig a peddler of small orders of wine, —
the ill-gotten gains of its male members, the shameless
conduct of its female patrons, and the pitiable ignorance
of its entire membership, that organization is, to say the
least, composed of and governed by a peculiar brand of
society.

It is with reference to this class of ‘‘society”’ that I
use the word Parvenucracy, which, as I said in the pref-
ace, I coined expressly for this subject.

In reviewing the hall gatherings and the alleged
private and exclusive ‘‘ entertainments” of the Parvenu-
cracy, it would be unfair to overlook a certain very im-
portant fact,—unfair, I say, yea, unjust and unpardon-
208 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY,

able, too, for it is the only redeeming feature that real
respectability has ever discovered in one of those gather-
ings: Theyalwayshave goodmusic. Blanchard, Brandt,
Blum, Rosner, Huber, Ballenberg, Hynes, and other soul-
stirring artists do what they can to charm and civilize
mankind—and the Parvenucracy as well.

That good music has a tendency to soften the prej-
udices of good society against its worst enemies is an
indisputable fact ; but it is also a fact that good society
is not obliged to cater to its enemies in order to hear
good music.

The best orchestra may be secured by polite society, as
well as by others, at the same rates—plus the commis-
sions that Mr. Greenway and other leaders of the Par-
venucracy demand from the orchestra leaders.
CHAPTER XVIII.

I prepict that the public will be treated, some day, to
an article in some reputable newspaper which will read
about as follows :

Owing to the overwhelming demands of members of
certain very uncertain classes of society for daily and Sun-
day personal mention in the ‘‘society columns” of pub-
lic papers, as well as in weekly and monthly ‘journals ”
and cheap advertising sheets and pamphlets, it is now
considered not only advisable, but also profitable, for the
owners, editors, publishers, and business managers of
several well-known papers of savory reputations to meet
frequently in secret council and discuss certain plans per-
taining to the management of this novel line of fake
advertising.

This brilliant scheme originated in the fertile, if some-
what selfish, brain of the enterprising owner of a tall and
very conspicuous red brick clock tower on the corner of
Geary, Kearney, and Market Streets, San Francisco.

Special invitations, signed by the promoter of the
scheme (who is also the owner of a rapidly expiring daily
paper called the Chronic/e), were sent to the proprietors
of each of the following papers: New York Police
Gazette, New York Mourning Journal, New York Stan.’-
ard, New Orleans Sunday Sun, San Francisco Lvening
Post-TFaze, Illustrated World, and MWarmed-overland
Monthy, all having more or less circulation among that
unmistakable class of society to which their owners,
editors, advertisers, and adherents are, by breeding, birth,

209
210 CHAMBLISS DIARY.

education, private and public associations, and other
personal qualifications, so justly entitled to admission and
life membership.

The real object of the meeting was kept a profound
secret until the enterprising promoter called the talented
delegates to order, in the private music hall attached to
his California Street residence.

Without wasting any valuable time in explaining the
circumstances connected with the acquisition of that
California Street residence froma late railroad magnate,
who was given to astrange infatuation for a certain grass
widow who subsequently became his daughter-in-law, the
host and self-appointed chairman of the meeting arose
and opened the ball about as follows: :

“Gentlemen and brother newspapermen: My manag-
ing editor, Mr. John P. Young, will now make a speech
and a motion.” [Applause. ]

Mr. John P. Young arose, bowed gracefully, and ad-
dressed the meeting as follows:

“Mr. Chairman and gentlemen: Owing to the un-
reliable character of all the journalists attached to the
papers which were not invited to send delegates to this
meeting, it was decided to give out that it was to be
merely a regular meeting of ourselves. [Applause. |

“You all know that what’s everbody’s business is no-
body’s business ; therefore, we will keep our business to
ourselves, and monopolize the profits.”

At the mention of the word “ profits,” all the delegates
bucked up their years, and the chairman chuckled softly
to himself at the propects of what the future seemed to
have in store for him.

“‘Gentlemen,’”’ continued the speaker, “we are not
in the newspaper business for our health. You have
noticed, perhaps, the growing desire of a certain class of
 

 

 

 

 

WY. SAH 1

 

THE SELF-MADE CHRONIC(LE) CANDIDATE.
“ The Midwinter Fair photographic pass was especially
designed to meet the requirements of the unreliable char-
acter of city newspaper men.”-—Derector General M1. H.
de Voune.
SOCIETY AS TT REALLY TIS. 213

society to create the impression that itis the leading
class. Members of this class seldom read anything in
the papers except the society news. ‘hey will not take
a paper that does not print notices of their movements
and whereabouts at least once a week. Some of those,
like the Crockers, the Fairs, the Floods, the Goulds, the
Murphys, the Sharons, and the Catherwoods imagine that
the society notices have a tendency to offset the nasty
stories about divorces, second establishments, outside
heirs, etc.”

Here the speaker produced some samples of San
Francisco ‘society ” news, and read :

“Mr. and Mrs. Charles L. Fair (zee Maud Nelson) are
spending a delightful ‘honeymoon’ at the Hotel del
Cannot-keep-them-out.”

“Mr. and Mrs. George Crocker (wee Mrs. Rutherford)
have gone to New York in a private car.”

“Mrs. W. F. Quack-Nut, and her charming daughter,
Miss Louisa Maria Quack-Nut are at the See-me-make-
a-fool-of-myself-on-the-beach Hotel.

“Mr. and Mrs. D. M. Delm-ass and ‘family’ are at
the same resort, and are occupying themselves in a
similar fashion, with Miss Nellie Murphy as _ their
‘guest’; also Mr. Addie(son) Mizner, the Misses Goad,
Mr. Herbert Mee, Mr. Birdie Irving and offers.”

The speaker put plenty of accent on the word
“ others.”

Continuing, he said : ‘*‘ Now, gentlemen, with reference
to the others, whose names are not mentioned, I have an
idea that they forgot to ‘tip’ the society reporter.

“Tt has occurred to our honored chairman that those
others ought to be looked after, and if we can form some
system for getting at the offers in a quiet way, it will be
a paying business.”
214 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY’.

Here the speaker stopped, to give the delegates a
chance to grasp the idea.

‘“‘Gentlemen,” said he, resuming, ‘‘I think I have
made myself understood, therefore, to come to the
point, I hereby make a motion that we organize ourselves
into a company to be known to the public as the Asso-
ciated Society News Bureau, but among ourselves it will
henceforth and forever more be known as the Parvenu
Advertising Agency.’ ”’ (Tremendous applause. )

“JT second the motion!” yelled all the delegates at
once.

The chairman thereupon instructed Mr. J. O’Hara
Nosegrave, the secretary pro tem., to enter upon the
minutes the first motion on record that was ever carried
by unanimous seconds.

Then Mr. Geo. H. Bartlett, editor of the [’er/d, arose
and said :

“JT move that we elect our officers without further
delay ; and, to save time, I have prepared a ticket which
I respectfully submit. This ticket shall be elected to
serve for a period of ten years :

“For president and director-general, Michael H.
de Young, proprietor San Francisco Chronicle.

‘‘For first vice president and general Eastern man-
ager, Richard K. Fox, proprietor New York Police
Gazette.

‘‘For second vice president and general manager of
Southern mulatto colored society, Peter Kiernan, pro-
prietor New Orleans Swadav Sun.

“‘For secretary, J. O'Hara Nosegrave, part proprietor
the San Francisco [Vaze.

‘‘For general managing editor of all notices, John
P. Young, present managing editor San Francisco
Chronicle.
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJs. 217

‘For general-utility-man, Mr. E. M. Greenway, society
reporter, San Francisco Chronicle.”

‘‘T second Mr. Bartlett’s motion,” said Mr. Spume of
the Pos¢, ‘‘and, in consideration of the fact that the com-
pany is to be for revenue only, and that we will require
the services of a medical board and a law firm, I beg to
submit the following names to be added to the ticket,
subject to the approval of the president and Mr. Bart-
lett <

“ MEDICAL STAFF:

“For surgeon-general, Dr. W. F. Quack-Nut.

‘For medical adviser of debilitated men, Dr. B. F.
Quack-Mon-eagle.

‘‘For private surgeon to married Parve-New Women
who are opposed to children, Dr. C. C. O’Donnell.

‘* LEGAL STAFF :

“For attorney general, Clara Shortridge Foltz.

“For assistant, Laura De Force Gordon.

“For appropriator of other people’s property, D. M.
Delmas.”

“‘T accept and second Mr. Spume’s amendment,” said
Mr. Bartlett, ‘and call for the question.”

No objections being raised the chairman said : ‘It has
been moved and seconded that we elect our officers on
the ticket submitted by Messrs. Bartlett and Spume ; all
in favor, please signify, by saying ‘I.’”

All hands said ‘‘I,” thus making it unnecessary to
bother about the ‘‘ Noes.”

Mr. Joseph B. Eliot, business manager of the Chronicle,
then submitted the following rates for classified reading
notice society column advertisements in his paper :

For personal mention sufficient to establish one’s
identity as an ass-pirant for notoriety, one dollar a line.
218 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; Ok,

Notices of arrivals, departures, movements, and where-
abouts of ‘absent friends,” ninety cents per line.

Notices of intended visits to friends residing outside
the city limits, eighty-five cents per line.

For announcements of all private gatherings, such as
‘©At homes,” ‘‘ Dinners,” ‘‘ Teas,” ‘‘ Theater parties,”
“Fruit-picker poker séazces,” and other insignificant
affairs about which the public never cares to read, fifteen
cents per line.

For ‘full particulars” of the gatherings, including de-
scription of the hostesses’ toilet articles and names of
‘those present,” $1.50 per line.

For début notices of daughters of saloon-keepers,
gamblers, keepers of disorderly resorts, and others of
that class, the charges will be regulated by the debutante’s
parents’ ability to pay.

Mr. J. O’Hara Nosegrave, the Uriah Heep of San
Francisco, then submitted the following rates for reading-
notices in the //’ave, in the part headed ‘‘Splashes.”

For publishing pictures of nincompoops, and com-
plimentary notices of same, such as: ‘* William S. Barnes
announces his intention of applying to Burnes, Buckley,
Rainey, Huntington & Company for the Southern Pacific
octopus party’s nomination for governor,” one hundred
dollars for each insertion, with picture of said nin-
compoop and would-be candidate on the front page.

For defending gamblers, bunko-men, “ fruit-pickers,”
and all others of that class, at least fifty per cent. of the
‘‘income tax” of the games will be charged.

‘‘For maligning reputable citizens who object to being
victimized by the ‘fruit-pickers,’ I generally get as
much as the ‘fruit-pickers’ may be willing to pay, out
of the money that they accumulate from their unsuspect-
ing friends in this way,” said Mr, Nosegrave,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 219

Mr. Hugh Spume, “editor” of the S. P. R. R. phono-
graph, called the Pos?, then submitted /zs rates, which are
as follows :

For scandalous and incredible as well as indecent, lies
about honorable men who may be chosen by the people to
fill offices that the S. P. Railroad desires to control, f
have instructions from my boss, Mr. Collis P. Hunting-
ton of New York and Kentucky, to take ‘‘all that the
traffic will bear.”

‘For society notices I will use the Chronicle's schedule
of charges,” said Mr. Spume.

Mr. R. K. Fox, of the Police Gazette, then got up and
announced that owing to hard times in police circles in
his city since Dr. Parkhurst started in, he and his friend
the owner of the Morning Journal, had decided to ‘‘ toss
up” for who should attend the meeting; therefore he
(Mr. Fox) begged to acknowledge that he had won the
“toss,” and was there to arrange terms for the two
papers on the following lines :

For defending in the Morning Journal any and all per-
sons who may be maligned by the Police Gazette, one
dollar per line.

For praising in the Police Gazette all fake prize fighters
who, like Nigger Jackson, may from time to time be
ridiculed in the /owrna/ as well as in respectable papers,
two dollars per line. If accompanied by nude pictures,
ten dollars a square inch is the regular price.

For telegraphing to the San Francisco Post and
Chronicle the arrival of members of San Francisco Par.
venucracy, twenty-five cents per word.

Mr. W. W. Foote, vice president of the Varmed-over~
land-Monthly, said that owing to the fact that Dick
McDonald was in jail, and that the other bankers were
not lending money on wildcat schemes, his paper would
220 CHAATBLISS’ DIARY ; OR,

print editorial comments about persons, and things in
general, very cheap.

Before submitting rates, however, it would be neces-
sary to call a special meeting of the other directors :
Judge J. H. Boalt, Irving M. Scott, H. J. Crocker,
J. M. McDonald, and Roundhead Wildeman.

Mr. Peter Kiernan, editor of the New Orleans Sunday
Sun, submitted some rates on which he said he had _ built
up his paper. ‘Those were:

For declaring that the mulatto wenches of his city
were daughters of wealthy Southern planters who
intended to leave them large cotton plantations in Missis-
sippi, he (Kiernan) got free board at African boarding
houses, where the mothers of said mulatto wenches took
in washing and transient boarders.

For introducing young negro bucks to those colored
(yellow) wenches, he got fifty per cent. of all that they
won at craps, to say nothing of the valuable consignments
of watermelons, eggs, and chickens and other edible
poultry that those colored ‘‘swells”’ sent him from the
booty brought in from foraging parties in the settlements
of the ‘‘poh white trash.”

There being no objections to any rates that any of the
talented delegates submitted, the chairman ordered the
secretary to ‘‘O. K.” everything.

Taking it all together, it was a very quiet meeting, and,
to judge from the business-like manner in which every-
thing passed off, the Parvenu Advertising Agency bids
fair to become a well-known institution.

There being no further business before the house after
Mr. Uriah Heep Nosegrave got through ‘‘O. K.-ing”
society column advertising rates, it was moved by Mr.
Fox, and seconded by Mr. Young, that the meeting
adjourn subject to the call of the president.
SOCIETY AS [TT REALLY JS, 221

Mr. de Young, president and doctor-general, then
invited all the delegates to repair to the dining room,
where he entertained them on some choice sandwiches
and Mid-winter Fair beer (special brew), the feast con-
cluding with champagne anda ‘‘stag” cotiJlion led by
General Utility-Man E. M. Greenway.

As the guests filed out of the front door Mr. de Young
handed each one a brand new package of Director-General
Cigarettes, with a splendid pictures of himself on the
wrapper of each package.

The editorial comments and opinions that will appear in
the legitimate newspapers after the announcement of the
incorporation of the new concern, will probably be some-
thing like this:

We note the announcement of the successful ¢éut of a
new advertising agency, which, judging from the names of
its promoters and director, must have for its prime object
the revival of Feudalism. Therefore, we would suggest
to the director-general the advisability of enrolling the
following distinguished personages as honorary members:

Albert Edward, Prince of Wales, future King of Eng-
land, Africa, and Ireland, leader of Oscar Wilde society,
and the world’s best known ‘‘living picture” of lust,
immorality, and ‘‘ consecrated ” depravity.

Wilhelm II., Emperor of Germany, leader of sauer-
kraut and limburger cheese aristocracy, and the most
prominent modern example of coronated imbecility.

Sanford B. Dole, ‘‘ president” of the infant oligarchy
cf Hawaii, giant advocator of missionary hypocrisy, and
arch-traitor to a feeble-minded female benefactress, whose
authority he usurped by employing a dishonorable minister
of the United States to assist him with the crew of the
man-of-war Loston.
222 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

And last, but not least, Mr. Levi P. Tortoise Morton,
and all the members of New York’s Nigger-loving legis-
lature that toady to the African voter.

Those honorary members would lend a “ flavor” to the
concern that could not be supplied even by the director-
general.

From the ludicrous directory and five-cent liquor fake
advertising publication, called Our Society Blue Book,
printed by The H. S$. Crocker Co., I copy the following
advertisement:

“Friday Night Club, formerly called the Bachelors’
Cotillion, was organized nine seasons ago. It is com-
posed of the junior members of the upper circles of
society and is very exclusive, only members and their
‘immediate’ families being invited to its meetings, which
take place on the first Friday night in each month during
the season. Its da/ poudre, given once a year, is the great
society event of the season.

(Signed) “FE. M. Greenway, Manager.”

Mr. Greenway shows great forethought in stating dis-
tinctly in his advertisement that only “immediate” families
of the members are entitled to admission. That word
‘immediate ’’ was, in all probability, inserted as a gentle
hint to members who have more than one family or
establishment. Probably it means that members are
expected to bring only the families that they happen to
be living with at the time.

For further information I respectfully refer the reader
to the divorce court proceedings, the bigamy cases, and
the numerous litigations between supposed legitimate
and illegitimate heirs, over the property of deceased
members of Parvenucracy in San Francisco, Virginia City,
SOCIETY AS 1T REALLY JS. 223

New York, Paris, and North Dakota. The latter State
offers special inducements to the daughters of ex-washer-
women who would like to be divorced from French
princes and other cheap-titled vultures, who ‘‘marry”
them for the accidentally acquired dollars of their mothers’
‘husbands.’ Compare the names in the divorce court
proceedings with those in the ‘‘society’’ reports, and
they will afford food for genealogical reflection.

The above-mentioned ‘‘ organization” (?) is alleged to
be “the highest society,” composed exclusively of the
‘‘upper circles,” ‘‘elegant gentlemen,” ‘‘ beautiful ladies,”
‘‘lovely maidens,” ‘‘marriageable virgins,” ‘alluring
heiresses;” compared in print with innocent girls who go
to holy communion. ‘‘ Young princesses of society,”
welcomed with open arms by all the young cigarette
fiends, Solomon Isaacses, Uncle Harrises, fruit-pickers,
and fake society reporters in the community.

“So young and happy; yet, oh! so alluringly rich
and tremulous.”

,

A well-known haberdasher volunteers the following
advice to Mr. Greenway, society reporter and ‘ leader.”’

“Bah, Ned! Let go, and chase yourself around the
block; tell stories about cotton gloves, or anything you
like, but don’t try to run any more of your exclusive
society, advertising bluffs like that on us.

‘““That scheme is played clean out, Ned, so take a
piece of good advice and quit it. Everybody knows all
about it, and the next thing you know they will find out
all about your carryings-on with Amelia Glover, that
ballet dancer who belonged to the ‘City Directory’
troupe, which played at the California Theater about two
years ago; and the Gayety girls, with whom your friends,
Tobin and Casserly, got ahead of you. Then, again,
224 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

some unkind person might tell all about your proposing
to sweet-breath Jennie, and of her refusing you, and
afterward taking pity on you, and persuading her brother
‘Jim’ to give you a salaried position as clerk in his
mining office in the Nevada Block; and then you will be
in a certain liquid that is referred to on the bills of fare
of the ‘ vulgar herd’ as soup.

“Of course that should not affect your followers’
opinions of you, for we all know that most of them are a
great deal worse than you are. But, Ned, my boy, you
know what those vulgar parvenus are, as well as I do, so
go right ahead, old fellow, and cinch them every time
you get a chance.

“You are fairly good at inventing ideas of your own,
Ned, and I do not think that you would hesitate about
deceiving your Cotillion Club if you considered it neces-
sary ; so if they get on to all of your little tricks of the
trade, just hire young Newhall, or young Wright, or
young Wilberforce, or that not-yet-acknowledged son of
your employer, de Young, or some other young nincom-
poop to let his good (?) name be used in place of yours as
leader of one or two of your money-making dances ; give
out that you have abandoned the leadership, on account of
the failure of certain new members to pay their subscrip-
tions ; say that you are sick and tired of bringing out
debutantes, and that you positively refuse to do it any more,
unless each application for admission to the swim is
accompanied by ready cash ; tell your parvenus that you
are going to retire from your position as society reporter
of the Chronicle, and that they will have to depend upon
someone else to publish those glowing accounts of fake
dinner parties to the Oelrichs, etc., ete.

**All of this, my boy, will create sympathy for you,—if
they don’t tumble to your little game of deception,—and
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 227

the whole female, and the majority of the male, portion of
Parvenucracy will rise up in a body and restore you to
your former A/gf position in society. They will return
you to the office of self-elected leader with a majority
equal in proportion to that which the Axaminer scored
for Governer Budd.

‘Amid the general rejoicing of the Parvenucracy, and
the wailing and gnashing of teeth among your enemies
whom you say you have already triumphed over, Ned,
you will, if you handle it properly, be able to scoop in
enough commissions from the musicians whom you hire
to blow your own horn, and from the proceeds of the
toasts that will be drunk to your health (from the liquids
that you sell your friends for such festivities), to enable
you to buy one of Mr. Ottinger’s cut-rate tourist’s tickets
good for one through passage to Baltimore.”

The position that Mr. Greenway occupies is, perhaps,
the most unique one in the world. As leader of his class
he has never had a rival ; something never before known
in the history of the human race. His versatile ideas of
etiquette place him so far out of the reach of all who have
any common-sense views of anything pertaining to good
form, that whenever the San Francisco papers feel
inclined to ridicule a reputable citizen, and call him all
the ludicrous names in the dictionary, they have only to
refer to him as ‘‘ Mr. Greenway’s rival.”

Poor James Brett Stokes was generally believed to have
occupied a place among men of sound sense, until his
name got mixed in among those of Addison Mizner,
Willis Polk, Alex Bazil Willieberforce, Max. Quack-Nut,
Hubert Mee, Lee Lash, Harry Simpkins, ‘‘ Birdie” Irving,
“Wally” Cooke, ‘‘Georgie” Mearns, ‘‘ Dick” Tobin,
“Lord” Talbot Clifton, ‘‘ Dan” McCarthy, ‘Sconchin”’
228 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Maloney, General Dimond, Amidee Joullin, and others of
that ilk. But where does he stand now?

That Mr. Andy Lawrence, the handsome city editor of
the Axaminer, can ruin a quiet citizen’s reputation in three
days, and without any malicious intent, is shown by the
fact that the mere assertion that Mr. Stokes was seen
skating with the above named members of Mr. Green-
ways flock, subjected him to the suspicion of his
employers.

Apropos of Mr. Greenway’s originality, I should not beat
all surprised at anything he might undertake in the future.
I believe that he is about to hand down from the clock
tower of the Parvenu Advertising Agency a new set of
commandments, to take the place of the old reliable ten
that Moses broke.

Some fine morning the new rules for the government of
the morals of the Parvenucracy will appear in all the
papers controlled by Mr. Huntington, and I imagine they
will be something like this :

TEN COMMANDMENTS OF E, MOSES GREENWAY.

I. 1 am Greenway, thy leader. Thou shalt not have
any other leader.

II. Thou shalt not take any notice of anything that is
uttered against thy leader’s good name.

III. Remember that thou keep away from the park
on the Sabbath Day, unless thou hast a very loud
and vulgar turnout to drive, and a lackey to blow a
bugle.

IV. Honor thy father and thy mother as long as they
honoreth thy check.

V Thou shalt not kill anything except thy unborn
posterity which the Parve-New Woman prefereth not to
bring forth.
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 231

VI. Thou shalt not commit any depredations upon
thy neighbors’ marriage rights, unless thou art sure of
not getting caught.

VII. Thou shalt not steal any more at one time than
thou canst get away with.

VIII. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy
neighbor, unless thou get well paid for it in advance; but,
if thou art jealous of him, thou mayst have him sued for
the board bill of his lady friend’s chow dog.

IX. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s wife; but
thou mayst marry thy common-law stepmother, if thou
hast money enough to advertise her asa belle in Snob Hill
Society.

X. Thou shalt not drink soup cut of a plate with thy
face, nor go riding in evening dress at high noon, nor
serve soap with finger bowls at thy dinners, any more,
unless thou serveth Greenway’s Cotillion Soft Soap.
CHAPTER XIX.

WE remained in Sydney about two weeks, during which
time I became more impressed than ever with the absurd-
ity of the prejudice which exists among certain classes in
the Northern and Eastern States against the English and
all persons who are British subjects, and a similar preju-
dice which prevails among the less enlightened elements
of English society against America and everything that is
American,

How persons of ordinary intelligence and common
sense can become so narrow-minded, in these times of
civilization and peace, as to entertain personal feelings on
account of international differences of opinions, is more
than I can understand. With my personal experience,
obtained during many years of travel, asa foundation for
an opinion on this subject, Ido not believe that citizens
of either nation who insist on having personal disagree-
ments over certain old international disturbances which
are now regarded only as matters of history and things of
the past,—by all persons except boodle politicians and
their followers,—are possessed of an over-supply of any
kind of sense. We are now living in an age of peace and
prosperity, and it is time that we should learn that we
are civilized.

When I say ‘‘we,” Ido not include those insolent vul-
tures and titled knaves who come over here from Europe
to trade their empty titles and immaculate * gall” for the
strangely accumulated dollars of certain vulgar old ex-hod-

232
NOOR IVE AS OILS HAIA LI ONE ES 233

carrier, ex-haberdasher, and ex-barkeeper millionaires,

“ some-

with a daughter, or niece, or sister-in-law, or a
thing else” thrown in. Heaven forbid that I should in-
clude any such creatures as those when | begin a sentence
or a paragraph with the pronoun ‘‘ we,” because they are
practically beyond redemption.

 

Types of ‘Americans’? who hate
everything that is English.

Neither do IT mean that other equally loathsome divi-
sion of avowed enemies of society and civilization which
includes anarchists, political bosses, bunko_ steerers,
‘*fruit-pickers ” and others. I mean persons who recog-
nize common sense as a legitimate basis upon which to
regulate their dealings with their fellow-man and woman;
persons who are loyal to the rules and regulations laid
234 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY ,; OR,

down in the great code or rule of action, called the law
of nature, which is unquestionably the foundation of
every just law of man.

It is a mistake to teach a person to do unto others
as he would have others do unto him, unless you teach
him to reverse the rule occasionally. No gentleman
who has the misfortune to be waylaid and set upon and
attacked by a pack of cowardly ruffians, black-leg gam-
blers, or ‘‘fruit-pickers,” is going to stand any such con-
temptible assault without fighting his assailants with
whatever weapons he may have, or with his fists if he is
unarmed, even though the thugs may be accompanied by
one of their gang—in policeman’s uniform—to arrest all
the combatants, and cart the gentleman off to the police
stations with them in the patrol wagon, and then compel
the gentleman who was assaulted to send for a bonds-
man, while the thugs are allowed to go without bail.
Such things have happened right inSan Francisco and New
York, and the thugs have received complimentary notices
from their family papers, the Post, IVorld, and IVave,
Morning Journal and Police Gazette, whose disreputable
proprietors are universally detested by all honorable
journalists who know them.

But what are we to expect, since we have so many
thugs and cut-throats on the police force, and so many
knaves and blackguards in offices which are maintained
at the expense of the honest taxpayers? Thugs and
cut-throats always stand in with each other, though they
sometimes run big political bluffs to secure ‘blocks of
votes,” a/a C. P. Huntington.

Those dishonorable  office-holders, having been
‘“‘squeezed”’ and “cinched” by the boodle political
bosses like Burns, Rainey, Buckley, Platt, Hume, Cos-
grave, and Bartlett, who nominate them, go into office
'SOCLE TVGA Selie LEAL LS, 235

for what they expect to make out of the political indus-
tries known as bribery and blackmail. They know that
owing to the disreputable character of the ‘‘ bosses”’
who put them up for election, they stand no show of
ever being re-elected; so they take everything in sight—

 

Types of ‘‘ Englishmen ”’ who hate all
the Americans.

after the fashion of a certain Sheeny named Levy—dur-
ing their term in office. It is almost impossible to get
a regular already-paid District Attorney to even listen to
a charge preferred by an honest citizen against any one of
those freebooters.

Persons who have no better sense, however, than to
vote for a great, big, simple, flabby, overgrown booby,
who prides himself on being hail-fellow-well-met with all
236 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY,

the steam beer guzzling toughs in a city, deserve no
sympathy.

The above is political society, and it is a part and
parcel of Parvenucracy—an eternal disgrace to civilization,
and an everlasting stain on the fair name of America.

 

On the 16th of May we took our departure from
Sydney, on our return voyage to San Francisco. My
new friends came aboard the JAZariposa, in a tugboat,
just before we left our anchorage in the bay, to see us off.

For some time past the Wilsons had been making
preparations for a trip around the world, by way of
China and India to England, where they were to pay
a visit to Mr. Wilson’s parents and relatives; thence to
New York, Washington, and Richmond, to see Mrs.
Wilson’s family and relatives, after which they intended
returning to Australia, 77a New Orleans, Los Angeles,
San Francisco, and Honolulu. Miss Anna was to be one
of the party as far as New York, where she was to
be placed at some Eastern seminary to complete her
schooling.

While Mrs. Wilson was outlining the proposed tour to
me, on the deck of the J/ariposa, the gong sounded.
The deck was crowded with passengers and their friends
who had come aboard to see them off, but it did not take
long for all not going to get down into the tugs along-
side, from the decks of which they waved their parting
farewells as the A/ariposa weighed anchor and steamed
out of the harbor.

We touched at the usual ports of call ev vowte to San
Francisco, and made one call that was not on the schedule.
When we stopped at Tutuilla, on the 25th of May, Captain
Hayward received information that the English bark
fenry James, bound from Newcastle, N.S. W., to San
 

HON. SAMUEL M. LONGSHORTRIDGE.
“Tf T could only be induced to run for Senator, I
would raise politics to a higher social standard.”—Mr.
Longshortridge, in the Avyws (at so much per inch).
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 239

Francisco, and consigned to Balfour, Guthrie & Co., had
been wrecked at Palmyra Island, and that the captain,
officers, crew, and passengers, including two ladies, were
all on the barren island, except the first officer and four
seamen, who had sailed all the way from the scene of the
wreck (1350 miles) to Tutuilla, in one of the lost vessel’s
lifeboats, to look for assistance. This information was
followed by requests from the captain of the U.5.S.
Mohican, and the authorities at Apia, to Captain Hayward,
to go to the rescue of the unfortunate mariners. These
requests were unnecessary, however, because Captain
Hayward’s mind was already made up.

Dispatching his business at Tutuilla as speedily as
possible, Captain Hayward headed the JAZariposa for
Palmyra, and gave Chief Engineer Harry Wilson—Hand-
some Harry as he is called—instructions to ‘‘speed her
up,” and get there as soon as possible.

Four days later we came to, off the treacherous coral
reefs, and lowered a lifeboat, and picked up twenty-two
of the most pitiable-looking human beings that I had
ever seen in all my varied and checkered experiences.

The ill-fated bark had run upon the reefs at night, and
she had gone down so suddenly that the crew hardly
escaped with their lives, and just what clothing they had
on. All hands, except the watch on deck, were asleep at
the time she struck, and had no time to dress. In their
excitement some of the men had left the wreck with
nothing more in the way of baggage than that which they
came into the world with.

They had been on the almost barren island fully six
weeks, with nothing to shelter them from the broiling
rays of the tropical sun except the scanty shade of a few
cocoanut trees and two little huts, which had been
erected there years before, evidently by some castaways,
240 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

whose bleached skeletons were there to tell the ghastly
tale of the relief that never came. This, of course,
added to the horror of the situation during the long and
tedious wait of over forty days. All that the unfortunate
people had to eat during all this time consisted of cocoa-
nuts and sea-bird eggs, which happened to be plentiful
enough when they were first cast ashore, but had almost
ceased to exist before relief came. ‘The birds, having
discovered that their eggs were being devoured as fast as
they could lay them, had abandoned the island and left
their guests to starve. Water they had in great abund-
ance, for it rained a little almost every night; but they
could not have survived many more days on water alone.

Had the mate’s lifeboat been lost before she reached
Apia, twenty-two additional skeletons would have been
added to the half-dozen already on the lonely island.

First Officer Hart steered the lifeboat which brought
the castaways from the reef to the ship. The unhappy
mariners were so black from the effects of the sun that
they could scarcely be identified as having ever been born
white. Long before our arrival, all hands had given up
hope, except the two ladies, who stood it bravely until
they saw the litthe American steamer round up within
plain view, when they collapsed—-woman-like—after all
danger was over, and knew nothing more until they found
themselves in comfortable staterooms, surrounded by all
the luxuries that moderm steamships afford, in addition
to which they had the genuine sympathy of a score or
more of lady passengers. When the famishing strangers
were being passed from the lifeboat aboard the AZariposa,
there was not a dry optic in the ship.

A sight which brought tears to the eyes of even Mr.
Hart, was Captain Lattimore, the commander of the lost
vessel. He was the last one to come aboard. His uni-
SOCIEDLYVAAS IT. REALE Y IWS. 241

form consisted of a piece of canvas about a yard long and
ten inches wide, which he wore around his loins. Sticking
in this belt, he carried a huge sheath-knife. He came
aboard accompanied by his faithful Newfoundland dog,

|
\

\\

          
   

    

    

ix
Captain Ralph Lattimore and his dog coming aboard the J/ariposa,
at Palmyra Island.

which had been his companion during many stormy voy-
ages. Purser Smith and Dr. Giberson assisted the
captain on board, and, each gentleman taking him by an
arm, they escorted him up to the bridge and presented
him formally to Captain Hayward. As the latter gentle-
242 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY,

man extended his hand to his unfortunate brother mariner,
Captain Lattimore took his sheath-knife from his belt
and said: ‘* Captain Hayward, allow me to surrender to
you my command, and all that I possess. in the world.”
At the same time his faithful dog sat down in front of
Captain Hayward and held up his big, shaggy paw for
the old man to shake, whining moanfully, as if pleading
for his master.

Hayward is astrong man, but this wasa little too much
for him. He tried hard to smile, but he had to turn his
head away and reach for his handkerchief, while he led
Captain Lattimore into his private cabin and bade
him help himself to anything on board the ship.

When the excitement of receiving the weather-beaten
British tars had subsided somewhat, His Reverence the
Archbishop of New Zealand, who was a passenger on
board the JWariposa on his way to Rome, sent word
around to the other gentlemen passengers to assemble in
the social hall. There were about twenty-five of those
gentlemen, including Englishmen, Frenchmen, Italians,
Germans, Spaniards, and Americans, and each man
understood what the Archbishop meant. In less time
than it takes to write this story, over £125, equal to
over 3000 francs, or the same amount of marks, or at least
1000 pesos, or about $600, were subscribed willingly by
the passengers, and turned over to the good Archbishop,
who in turn divided the contributions equally among the
rescued castaways, adding a dollar to each out of his
own pocket.

On the first of June we arrived at Spreckels’ dock at
Honolulu, where Captain Hayward turned over to British
Minister Wodehouse the twenty-two English subjects.

The next day, June 2, we left Honolulu and pointed

ay.

our prow for San Francisco.
CHAPTER XX.

On Saturday the gth of June, 1888,—exactly sixty-two
days from the date of our departure from San Francisco, —
we passed in through the Golden Gate and steamed on
up the bay to Folson Street pier.

I do not remember having ever heard of a voyage of
sucha great distance so entirely free from storms. From
the day of our departure until our return, during which
time we steamed more than 14,500 miles, almost equal
to the total distance from New York to Yokohama,
zva the Suez Canal, we experienced what the poets
might have termed ‘‘heavenly weather.”” For days and
days at a time during this long cruise the sea was actually
as smooth as a mirror ; the only disturbance on the sur-
face of the water being the ripples caused by the ship, as
she plowed her way along at the rate of 325 miles a day.

Upon our arrival at the wharf all the passengers
assembled up forward of the pilot house to bid Captain
Hayward and his officers farewell. They closed this
lively ceremony by singing ‘Auld Lang Syne,” in which
all hands joined, and kept it up until they got out on the
dock, where, as they emerged one by one from the gang-
way, they were quickly gobbled up by the hotel runners
and hack fiends, and driven off uptown.

The AZariposa was scheduled to remain in port about
three weeks. The prospects of sleeping on board along-
side of the wharf, and breathing sewer gas until sailing
day, did not suit me ; and besides this, I did not like the

243
244 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

idea of taking my meals at the Oceanic Steamship Co.’s
contract hash house, just outside the dock gate, for
twenty-one consecutive days,

Nature endowed me with a digestion that will stand
salt horse, hard tack, black coffee, cracker hash, dried
apples, ‘‘soup-and-bully,”” baked sailor beans, and all
other nautical luxuries, from one end of the year to the
other, but she forgot to supply me with the necessary
gastronomic equipments to digest the menu of a city
front boarding house, suchas theca/? where the Spreckels’
feed the employees on their steamers. So I went uptown
to look around for a respectable boarding house where I
could rent a room on the European plan, and take my
meals wherever I pleased. Not knowing the lay of the
land as well as Ido now, I decided to look in the adver-
tising columns of a morning paper. With this object in
view, I purchased a copy of the Breic/e and read :

“Hotel Veller Blister, the only strictly first-class family
boarding house in the city. Elegantly furnished apart-
ments for bachelors.

“Special inducements to ladies whose husbands are
absent a good deal of the time. Patronized by high
society, and all the leading retired business men and
army and navy officers. (uests allowed to receive their
friends at any time, day or night. Guests introduced
into high society on reception days without any extra
charge. The very best brands of liquid refreshments
kept on hand constantly. No questions asked.

“or further particulars call or address the pro-
prietress, .Wme. Spolnie de Parvenu Vahlding, charter
member of the Pacific Coast Scandal Association, corner
of Taylor and Rosin Streets.

“Take O'Farrell Street cars ; get off at corner Jones
and Rosin Streets, and walk back one block.”
SOCIETY AS TT REALLY TS. 245

I did not care to answer the above, so I purchased a
copy of the Sgwa// and discovered the following :

“Hotel Pleasure-and-fun, positively the only leading
house in town. Private families accommodated and
accumulated in any style desired.

‘* Marriage certificates not required.

“ All kinds of amusements right in the house, includ-
ing weekly dances led by Mr. Greenroad, from whom
society notices in the Post, TPorld, (Fave, and Chronicle
may be had very cheap. Only one block from the famous
Fruit-picker Poker Club; also convenient to the leading
side entrances, dives, opium joints, and massage parlors.

‘“‘For special rates, see her highness, Mme. Spend-me-
money-for-fun-dleton, sole owner” (until sold out by the
sheriff).

I glanced over a few more of the Syva//’y extraordinary
ads., such as ‘Hotel Mira-hole,” ‘‘The Fuss House,”
“Hotel de Massage,” ‘‘Hotel de Maud Nelson, 404
Stockton Street,” and other first class society and family
resorts for restless spirits, and finally 1 decided to place
the following ad. in the Axaminer :

“Wanted, by strange young man, room in private fam-
ily. Address 124 Fuss House.”

1 then went to the Fuss House and turned in to await
developments. Anything in the way of a hotel as far up
town as Montgomery Street was better than sleeping on
board ship at low tide—so I thought at the time. After
battling with the Fuss Hous? fleas and bedbugs until six
o'clock the next morning, when a bellboy banged at my
door and told me that a gentleman wanted to see me, I
changed my mind. What on earth could a gentleman
want of me at 6 a. M.,and when I had not yet been able
to persuade the ravenous fleas to let me sleep a wink?
Was the ship on fire, or what ?
246 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Jumpinginto my clothes, Lran downstairs and asked the
sleepy clerk where the gentleman was.

“There he is,’ said the clerk, jerking his thumb in the
direction of seven or eight dilapidated old hod-carriers
and other tough-looking citizens whom the porter had
formed in line just outside the door.

‘¢Gentlemen,” said 1, ‘‘there must be some mistake.”

‘Naw, it aint no mistake,” answered all my visitors in
chorus, calling my attention to a morning paper, a copy of
which each one held up.

“Ts ye the bloke what put that ad in the Zhe xan'’-
ner?’ asked all my ceremonious callers. While this
was going on, several more ‘‘gentlemen”’ called, and
demanded to see the ‘‘mug thot wants ter rint a room
and board.”’ Soon I was besieged by at least twenty of
the toughest-looking Baldwin Hotel block voters that you
ever saw. Each householder claimed that his house was
the best private house in town, and each one said that he
had a musical family. One big duffer who had been ona
drunk all night, caught me by the arm and bellowed into
my ear something which sounded like, ‘‘Say, cul, jest ye
come along wid me, and see my house in Natoma Street ;
it’s ther best house South-o’-Market, see?” So saying
he gave me a pull by the sleeve which nearly tore the coat
off me.

Just what would have happened to me in the course of
this interview, had it continued any longer, I am not
quite sure, for just about this time Mr. See-less, the pro-
prietor, rushed to my assistance with several clerks and
bell boys and the porter, and fired all of my visitors out
of the house.

“Young man,” said Mr. See-less good-naturedly,
‘don’t you know better than to put an advertisement
like that in a reputable paper in San Francisco? You
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 247

see all the honest laborers read the Axaminer, because it
‘kicks’ against organized political knavery, such as the
Huntington, Rainey, Burns, Buckley, Platt, Crocker,
Chronical, Post, Wave, World, Dennis Kearney, Dr.
O’Donnell, S. P. R. R. combination of ballot-box stuffers,
who are in favor of exterminating everyone who talks
about an opposition railroad, or thinks about senators and
congressmen chosen according to the wishes of the peo-
ple, or, in fact, anyone who tries to be honest. Those
poor devils whom we had to throw out just now, were
once well-to-do-citizens ; now just look at them ; what
are they? They have been reduced to the condition of
beggars by the domination of organized political capital.
They are now making a last effort to rent out the best
rooms in their humble homes in order to get a few dollars
to buy bread for their starving families. If something is
not done soon, Heaven only knows what will become of
their daught is

“‘Here’s a note, mister,” said a timid voice, interrupt-
ing our conversation, ‘‘it’s from my mamma.”

I will give the contents of this letter, as an illustration
of several dozen more of the same date and tenor :

 

No. — MIssIoN STREET,
SUNDAY, June Io, 1888.
DEAR SIR:

I can let you have a nice sunny room, with or without board, at your
own price. My husband has been out of work for two months and is
sick. I must raise enough money this week to pay our water bill or the
Spring Valley Company will shut off our supply and sell us out. We
have only two rooms, but we will give up the front room and sleep in
the kitchen if you decide to accept.

We will do our best to please you, for we must raise a little money.
Cars pass the door. ‘Take Mission Street horse cars and get off at Sixth
Street. Very respectfully yours,

P. S.—No small children about the house. Mrs. SMITH,
248 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Just about this time the letter carrier came in with
the local mail, and the clerk, after sorting it out, handed
me no less than seventeen letters. Those letters had all
been taken t» the post office before eight o’clock, in
order to be in time for the local Sunday morning
delivery, which is the only Sunday delivery made by
carriers. 1 was obliged to tell the little boy who brought
the note from Mission Street, that I could not take
the room on account of the inconvenience of the lo-
cality.

I had heard of South-of-Market before, and, while Iam
far from being prejudiced against the inhabitants of that
part of San Francisco on account of the line which some
so-called polite social organizations of fruit-pickers
have drawn from the ferry landings to the sum-
mit of the Twin Peaks, za Market Street and the pro-
posed extension of the cable car line to the ocean, I must
acknowledge that I could not afford to run the risk of
being mistaken for a ‘‘ballot stuffer.” *

The hotel people volunteered some very valuable infor-
mation on how a young unmarried man should live in
San Francisco. Among other things they told me that
I would not be satisfied with private family board, unless
I had a very obliging temper; because families who take
in boarders invariably want to know all about one’s
private affairs, and they insist on having their boarder
sit in the family pew at church. They added that they
thought I would be better satisfied if I boarded at the
Fuss House; but I still had a very distinct recollection
of the hungry fleas in that establishment, and I refused to
accept their opinions.

* South-of-Market proper takes in ali that section from Market and

Tenth Streets, south and west to the Bay, including Tar Flat, which is
still unexplored. ‘The “.vaminer will explore it later,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 249

Returning aboard the AZariposa that night, I remained
there several days before venturing uptown again.

Sewer gas and Spreckles’ East Street hash house were
preferable to hotel fleas and South-of-Market ‘‘ room-to-
let” fiends.

When I went uptown again, I called at the Fuss House
and asked for my mail. I did not go in at the main
entrance on Montgomery Street, but sought the
‘‘private’’ entrance on Bush Street. ‘This ‘‘private
entrance,” so I learned afterward, is used not infre-
quently by newly ‘‘married” couples, who slip in and
register as Mr. Smith and wife from Santa Rosa,
Petaluma, Sacramento, San José, and other interior towns,
and leave the following morning before breakfast ; the
‘“‘husband” going to his office somewhere downtown,
and the ‘‘ wife” returning to her home, or establishment,
or some other woman’s husband's establishment uptown.
Hence the sign ‘‘ Ladies’ Entrance” on the side docr.

But the Fuss House is not by any means the only
hotel in San Francisco where two persons can go in and
register as “ Mr. and Mrs. ,” and get all the accommo-
dations that they want without being required to tell how
long they have been married, or why they are traveling
with nothing in the shape of baggage except, perhaps,
a little hand satchel with nothing in it but a comb.

The line in the modern hotel advertisements which says,
‘“Guests entertained on either the American or European
plan,” means a good deal more to the average man about
town than it does to the uninitiated. What those two
plans, —American and European,—do not include in the
way of permanent and transient hotel accommodations,
amounts to very little that there is any money in. And
yet there are many families of highly respectable people,
whose private associations are above reproach,

 

as far

 
250 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

as the world knows,—who prefer hotel and boarding
house life to the home comforts which they are well able
to have. ‘Those people give all kinds of excuses for their
presence in hotels. Some say they ‘can’t get the kind
of servants that they want,” some complain of ‘burglars
and footpads and peddlers and book agents and fake
society reporters and other public pests,” while there are
others who declare that they are ‘sick and tired of
housekeeping and are stopping at the hotel just to get a
little rest.”

Now these excuses all sound very well, and sometimes
they call for some sympathy, but not often. The trouble
with a great many wealthy families who board out in this
fashion is simply this: They are too confounded lazy to
keep house. ‘here are others, however, who have high
social aspirations, and, having no social standing and
knowing no one who has any, they go to the fashionable
hotels in order to get into ‘‘ society.”

There are only two classes of boarders who really have
legitimate excuses for living in hotels: the army and navy
class, which includes steamship captains and officers;
and the professional and business men who move
frequently. Many of these have no homes of their
own, and they shift about from place to place so often
and so suddenly at times, that they hardly have time to
pack their trunks.

What I was looking for, when I advertised for a room in
a private family, was a nice, respectable place, where I
could stay between voyages, and leave my little belong-
ings during my absence.

When I went to the office of the Fuss House, on
the occasion above mentioned, the clerk handed me about
an ordinary waste basketful of letters and cards of people
who had answered the advertisement, After reading a
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 251

few dozen of those epistles, and calling at several of the
numbers given, including a house in Bond Street, and a
few massage parlors up in the neighborhood of Mason
and Ellis Streets, J was about to give it up as a bad job,
when, on returning to the hotel for some lunch, I received
a nice-looking note which attracted my attention. Just
what there was about this particular note that caused
me to read it over twice, and put it in my pocket before
going to lunch, I did not stop to consider at the time.
Subsequent developments caused me to refer to it again
and paste it in my diary for future reference. It differed
very little from several other notes from the same town,
and, although I had never for one instant thought of
going to “the other side of the bay” for a room, I
decided to answer this note in person.
Here is the note:

East OAKLAND, June 14, 1888.
To Mr. , 124 Fuss House:
Having seen your advertisement in the Lxaminer, should be pleased

 

to have you call and see nice room which will probably suit you.
g20 Sixth Ave., Clinton Station.

‘There was no name signed to the note, but the hand-
writing was sufficient to convince me that the writer pos-
sessed more than ordinary culture.
CHAPTER XXII.

Fripay is said to be an unlucky day on which to begin
a journey or form an acquaintance. Let us see how
much truth there is in this old superstition.

On Friday, the 15th of June, 1888, I went to Oakiand
for the first time, except when I passed through there on
my way to Mare Island, the year before.

Getting off the local train at Clinton Station, I asked
the conductor if he could tell me where No. 920 Sixth
Avenue was,

“Ves,” said the conductor ; ‘‘it’s the second house on
the right.”

No. 920 was a neat little two-story house, standing in a
large lot which took in about one-half of the biceck.
About three-fourths of the yard was shaded with peach,
plum, cherry, pear, and apple trees, and the rest was laid
out in nice flower beds and croquet grounds, and a big
white rose bush formed a pretty bower a few yards from
the front door. All the flowers were in full bloom.

While there was nothing pretentious about this little
home, there was an air of daintiness about it which I had
to stop and admire as I entered the gate. <A pleasant
lady of perhaps thirty-five opened the door for me, and
appeared very much surprised when I informed her that
I had received her note and would like to see the room
that she wanted to let.

Mrs. Bell invited me in, and explained to me that she
had not written the note at all; that the young ladies
had noticed the personal in the paper, and had answered

252
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY 1S, 253

it more in a spirit of fun than anything else. They
never thought for an instant that I would come to Kast
Oakland, when there were so many nice families in the
city who were taking in boarders. Mrs. Bell was not
over-anxious to let the room, but since I had called she
would show it to me anyway, and if it suited, I could
have it. The terms were very satisfactory, and the
room suited me ; so, after exchanging a few references,
and discovering that we had several mutual acquaintances
in the navy, I engaged the room with board, and re-
turned to San Francisco for my baggage, telling Mrs.
Bell that I would be over the following day in time for
dinner.

The next day, June 16, after packing up my things and
sending them down to the ferry landing to be checked,
I walking up as far as Kearney Street to make some little
purchases—some collars and neckties, I think.

On my way down to the boat I met Captain Searle on
Post Street, between Kearney and Montgomery. 1 was
under the impression that the captain was on board
his ship, the Crty ef Mew York, which vessel was in China
at the time.

Captain Searle spoke to me as I was passing along,
and I stopped and asked him how he happened to be in
San Francisco when his ship was in Hong Kong.

The captain explained that upon his return here from
China in April, his vessel had been quarantined again,
and that all hands had gone through with a similar ex-
perience to that of January and February.

Having grown sick and tired of being quarantined
upon his return from every voyage, he had decided to
take a leave of absence, and let Mr. Deering, his first
officer, take his place as captain for one voyage.

““This,” said Captain Searle, ‘is the first time that I
254 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

have set foot on shore since last November. No one
cares about going ashore on the other side, on account
of the smallpox epidemic, which has been raging out
there since last year ; and the Board of Health of San
Francisco will not allow anyone to land from the
steamers returning from China until they shall have
spent twenty-one days in quarantine.”’

The captain then asked me something about myself,
and where I had been since I left the Crtv of New York
and the quarantine ship. He was surprised when I told
him that I had just returned froma voyage to Australia,
and that I was quartermaster of the AZariposa. The con-
versation ended by the captain inviting me to call upon
him at the Palace Hotel when I had nothing better to do.

Thanking Captain Searle for the courtesy of his invita-
tion, I went on down to the Market Street ferry and
crossed over to Oakland, and moved my valise and the
rest of my things into my new quarters at Mrs. Bell’s, and,
acting upon my hostess’ advice, proceeded to make my-
self at home and get ready for dinner.

Mrs. Bell had said something about some young ladies
who had answered my advertisement in the Lxam/ner,
and I began to wonder who those young ladies were ;
whether they were members of the household or just
some visitors, and whether they were pretty or not.

I ceased wondering, however, when Charlie, the fifteen-
year-old son of the hostess, came to my room and, in-
forming me that dinner was ready, took me into the
dining room, where his mother introduced me to the
young ladies in question.

There were three of them, and they turned out to bea
little of everything that I imagined them ; ¢ ¢., members
of the household avd visitor ; and all three were prettier
than the general average of young ladies whom one meets
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 255

nowadays. ‘This is saying a good deal, considering the
fact that we were in California, and especially in Oakland,
where some—but not all by any means—of the loveliest
girls who attend the San Francisco balls and Palace Hotel
cotillions reside.

In presenting me to this happy young trio, the hostess
explained that Miss Grace and Miss ‘Theo were her
daughters, and Miss Brunner was their friend from the
city, who was visiting the family for a week or two. Miss
Theo and Miss Brunner were native daughters; the
latter very much so, as her father was one of a shipload
of genuine Forty-niners who came out v/a Panama and
settled in Sacramento, where Miss Brunner was born.
Miss Grace, the hostess’ elder daughter, might as well
have beena native. She was born in New York just as
her mother was about to return to California from a visit
to her Eastern relatives. Like her younger sister, and
her friend from the city, she possessed a good many other
California traits besides good looks. She was bright
and smart, and could play and sing beautifully. All three
were fairly good at repartee, which fact I discovered very
soon after making some very commonplace remark con-
cerning something which I had heard about the ‘‘ wildness
and wool” of the far West. Incidentally they gave me
to understand that I should henceforth speak of California
as “The Pacific Slope,” and not to dare refer again to
Oakland as a suburb of a new western mining center.
Three to one proved too much for me, so I had to make
believe that I thought Oakland was just a little bit better
than New Orleans, and that San Francisco was away
ahead of New York. Anything, you know, for the sake
of family peace.

The hostess was the widow of a noted lawyer who had
practiced in California courts ever since such luxuries as
256 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY» OR,

divorce courts and other institutions for the legal facili-
tation of polygamy had been introduced out here. She
was well posted concerning things in general, including
the histories of all the prominent men like Mackay, Fair,
Flood, O'Brien, de Young, Crocker, Huntington, Hop-
kins, Stanford, Sharon, Ralston, Mills, and a host of
others who came here witha good deal of faith in luck, and
grew rich very suddenly and unexpectedly, and many
others, like Delmas, Quack Nutt, Goad, Mizner, BcMean,
Not-All, Cooke, Mearns, and some more of the hanger-on
ilk, who never got rich, and never will, by honesty or any
process, because the offer processes are played out.

Very few of those people possessed much in the way of
culture or refinement, and the private lives led by some of
them, even after they grew rich, or ‘‘ prominent,” were
in some cases considered too demoralizing to be dis-
cussed in open court.

I do not approve of denying the public the right to at-
tend court in any case, no matter what objections the
contending parties may raise. Judges are paid by the
public, and the public has a right to hear and see what
the judges are doing.

Any attempt to suppress the truthis equivalent to a lie,

The heirs (?) of those very people proclaim that, out-
side of their set, no one on this great Pacific Slope is en-
titled to social recognition. Their set, or c/guwe, which
they speak of as ‘‘the highest circles of society,” num-
bers, according to their own published lists and figures,
scarcely one hundred families, some of which are not
even native born Americans—a few of them being Jews of
low alien birth.

Now, we will average up the members of ‘‘ The One Hun-
dred Families,” at, let us say, four members to each house-
holder, including husbands, first and ‘‘ second ” wives, and
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY. IS. 287

such offspring as they may have brought into the world,
and such street gamins and ‘‘outside’’ children as they
may have ‘‘ adopted,” and the entire membership of the
“colony,” with all the ‘‘heirs” born in and out of wed-
lock, including those which were not intended to have
been born at all, will probably foot up four hundred beings
in human form.

This ‘‘colony” is not very prolific. The women, asa
rule, cannot afford to deprive ‘“‘ society ”’ of the time that
natural mothers usually devote to their offspring.

According to their ‘‘civilization,” raising legitimate
children is not ‘ fashionable.”

Doctor O’Donnell has no recognition in this set, except
as a close-mouthed ‘‘ practitioner.”

This, kind reader of the society columns, is the se¢
which the world has been commanded to-esteem and
honor as the best citizens of California.

“The leading set,” ‘‘the dictators of society,” em-
powered to set the fashions in all thing's social and other-
wise, including the latest and most approved methods of
ruining the lives of pure, innocent daughters of honorable
citizens, and literally dragging them down into the very
sewers and free dumps of degradation.

“The great Four Hundred,” to whose Feudalism one
must submit and ask no questions, or, o@ject and be slan-
dered, maligned, libeled, publicly insulted, and persecuted
by Mammon for having the awful audacity to cling to the
laws of one’s God and nature—the foundation of civiliza-
tion and society.

“The great ‘Kings’ of Snob Hill, and the S. P. Rail-
road Royalty,” to whom you and I and ours whom we love
have been commanded to bow down and acknowledge as
our dictators and rulers, by the grace of fraudulently
acquired wealth and Satanic, unnatural depravity.

’
258 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Get down on thy knees, foolish, deluded citizens, and
worship thy sovereign, ‘‘ King” Collis the First; bring along
the fairest and purest of thy young girls, the flowers of
thy households, and present them as sacrifices; lay them
at the feet of thy king that the favorite of his harem—
with whom he lived for years before marrying her—may
select the choicest morsels for her sultan, and then bid
the nobility, Princes Crocker, Sharon, Fair, Sage, Mills,
Flood, Markham, Paxton, Daggett, Dimond, Tobin,
Gould de Young, cz. a/., to draw lots for second choice.
After this, the lesser nobles,—the court hangers-on, so to
speak,—like Delmas, Quack-Nut, Goad, Mizner, McBean-
eater, New-it-all, Wise, Sheldon, and Casserly will be
admitted.

At the end of the great modern slave mart, the harem
will be thrown open to the footmen, caterers, scavengers,
lackeys, and general utility men, like J. O'Hara Nose-
grave, Hugh Spume, R. K. Fox, Wally Cooke, Peter
Kiernan, Georgie Mearns, Little ‘‘ Birdie’ Irving, George
H. Bartlett, Harry Wise, Ed. Greenway, the “ fruit-
pickers,” and Nigger Jackson.

Come, come, Californians, hurry up and obey ‘“ King”
Collis! The ‘king’? will punish you severely if you
grumble.

Hold on! Let us investigate.

hat! Has anvone the audacity to disobey the “ king’s”
command ?

Has anyone ever dared to question ‘‘ King” Collis’
authority to issue such a command ?

There must be some excuse for raising ‘‘impertinent ”
questions concerning the right of 400 persons to pro-
claim themselves the acknowledged dictators of 299,600
others who reside in the same city, and about 200,000
of whom are law-respecting citizens.
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 261

Let us see if we cannot find an excuse.

Did you ever get up before daylight of a cold, clear,
frosty morning, and take a constitutional walk in the
suburbs ?

Try the experiment, and when you reach the spot
known as the ‘‘ free dump” for garbage, you will notice
by the light of the gray dawn, a thin, white veil of frost
which, during the stillness of night, nature has thrown
over the uncanny substance in the dump. You will have
an idea that beneath that white frosty mantle there is
something unclean and putrid. Just wait a little while
until the sun comes out and melts the frost, and you will
see the necessity of having the attention of the public
called to the nuisance.

Perhaps through false modesty you may be afraid to
speak of it, openly, to the public.

Perhaps you may be afraid of raising too much of an
unwholesome odor all at once. But that is where you
are wrong, my boy. It would be far better in the end to
have the corruption cleared away at once, even though it
did perfume the air for a little while, than to leave it
there to decay by degrees, sending forth its foul, putrid
breath, year in and year out, and poisoning with fatal
disease germs the very air which, but for its malodorous
presence, would be pure. :

Now, just convert your imagination into a long pole
and lift up the white mantle of charity, which, during the
stillness of the Lenten season, some sympathetic person
may have thrown over ‘‘ King” Huntington’s harem.
‘Take a peep at the foundation of its high social preten-
sions, and you will find in its composition such ingredients
as unnatural depravity, arrogance, presumption, gross
dishonesty, unpardonable ignorance, female boldness,
hellish hypocrisy, and family skeletons -in flimsy boxes,
262 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

the lids of which their owners essay to hold down with
sacks of ill-gotten dollars.

If you read the legitimate newspapers you must have
noticed that whenever there is a dispute over any of
those ill-gotten dollars, the skeletons invariably make
their appearance as soon as the courts of law assume
temporary charge of the ‘“‘sacks.”’

And yet the winners of those very -‘sacks””—no matter
who or what they may have been before the legal squabble
for the dollars commenced—are always eligible to mem-
bership in the Parvenucracy, or the ‘‘ Four Hundred,” as
the self-elected leader, or general-utility-man, Greenway,
is pleased to term this odoriferous mixture.

Charity is all very well in its place. It’s said to begin
at home, but the destroyers of happy homes are not
objects of charity. They may profess to be charitable,
but ‘‘robbing Peter to pay Paul” (a small percentage) is
not charity.

No possessor of enough common sense to vote will
admit that he has ever taken a respectable lady to one of
the gatherings of the Parvenucracy, unless he did it
merely through curiosity, to let her see what really was
there. Decent people go through the ‘‘ tenderloin,’ when
it comes to that, just to see the former homes of the
Parvenucracy.

There is a class of scavengers, like Nosegrave, Hume,
Cooke, and other society reporters, who poke their noses
into everything, and publish complimentary notices of
Parvenucratic gatherings, and make money out of it.
Hume told me with his own mouth, one day, right in front
of the Zxaminer office, that ‘anything was all right if
there was any money in it.”

Of course those scavengers will tell all kinds of lies
about anyone who has the awful audacity to publish the
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 263

above facts ; for it will take away the fake advertising
revenue of their pitiable little sheets, the Post, IVorld,
and Wave.

Their worthless criticisms amount to nothing. No one
with a grain of sense ever believes a word of the bosh
that is published in the above-mentioned sheets, because
everybody knows very well that they will print almost
anything that they can get, if it is accompanied with
the right kind of paper-weights.

The Pos?’s malicious and cowardly assaults on Governor
Budd, and the way the public treated those vile slanders,
all go to prove that I know what I am talking about.

That the honest voters of San Francisco look upon this
catch-penny Lvex‘ng Post as a malicious and libelous
sheet, and its ignorant and egotistical ‘‘ editor,” Hume,
as a falsifier, is shown by the fact that on the 6th of
November, 1894, they gave James H. Budd a majority of
nearly twelve thousand votes, right in San Francisco.

In picturing Spew Hume as the juvenile yellow quad-
ruped Post, hired by the octopus to bark and whine for
the railroad candidates during the campaign, Mr. Daven-
port, the Avaminer caricaturist, expressed the minute
portion of the candid opinion that the honest portion of
the public had time to bestow upon this ineffable little
animal.

A talented cartoon artist like Mr. Davenport is a
public benefactor when he devotes his ability to the
interests of good government, as this gentlemen has been
doing since the Afonarch employed him.

Long live the caricaturists who possess honor, integrity,
and common sense, and the courage of their convictions!

Hume, Bartlette and Nosegrave, ‘editors’ of the
Post, World, and IfFave, remind the average citizen of
professional odoriferous cats. They differ from these
264 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

peculiar cats-in one respect only: the cats perfume the
atmosphere free of charge, and Hume, Bartlett, and
Nosegrave hire themselves out to produce a similar
result at so much per whiff.

A prominent attorney of this city tells me that shortly
after the announcement that I was writing a book on
Svciety as it Really Is, Spew Hume telephoned to him to
come to his office to see him on business. The attorney
went to Hume’s office, and what do you think he wanted
to see him about ?

Knowing that the lawyer was a friend of mine, this
vulgar fellow endeavored to find out from my friend
what I was writing about. Failing to get any satisfaction
from the attorney, Hume informed him that if I said any-
thing in the book about certain persons they would shoot
me on sight.

Among the dangerous shooters whom he intimated
would slaughter me if I published the truth about them,
were the ‘‘fruit-pickers,” referred to in Chapters XIII
and XIV, and himself (Hume), all dead shots with any-
thing in the line of firearms, from a dynamite cannon to
a certain Oriental weapon, that was used with deadly
effect by the Chinese ‘‘ soldiers” engaged in ‘‘ defending”
their opium dens against the forces of the Mikado, which
weapon is referred to by the war correspondents as a
‘‘Chinese stink-pot.” The last mentioned weapon is
Hume’s favorite. In addition to the old, original ‘‘ fruit-
pickers,” who were standing by to exterminate the author
as soon as the book came out, Hume named one person
whom I had never heard of. I believe that it was a
scheme of Mr. Hume and his friends to get their names
mentioned in this book, and the author, being of a chari-
table turn of mind, will not disappoint them.

There are some nincompoops in this world who imagine
SOCIETY AS IT’ REALLY TS. 265

that they are of sufficient importance to receive mention
in every publication that is issued, and they never forgive
a writer who forgets them. When anything new is about
to come out, they want to be in it, and if they can’t get
there in one way, they will in some other. This last
mentioned friend of Hume and the other ‘‘fruit-pickers”’
must be a representative of that class of boobies. His
name is Wise, and I wish to say that if Harry Wise sent
any such message us the one that was brought to me from
Mr. Hume, he must be less ‘‘ wise” than even his pic-
tures in “Birdie” Irving's fake advertising pamphlets
proclaim him to be. As I said before, I never knew that
such a creation as Harry Wise existed, until the lawyer
brought me the ludicrous message referred to above.

This little person, Wise, is perhaps the son of some polit-
ical office-holder who is hanging on to the fringe or ragged
edge of Parvenucracy, like his friends, the Hume-Cooke-
Cosgrave-Fruit-Picker-Mearns-‘‘ Birdie ’-Irving-Co., and
he probably thinks that if he can get written up as an up-
start, it will give him a little social standing among all the
other silly snobs of his own ilk.

From a fake advertising pamphlet issued by a local
printer on Bush Street, and “ edited” by the little ex-boot-
black ‘‘ Birdie” of the fake horse show, I clip the follow-
ing extracts from an article dictated by Wise himself, and
paid for after the fashion of other reading notice adver-
tisements in the same pamphlet, called A/tdwinter Fair
Jewventr. I should like to quote the whole ludicrous
notice, but I cannot afford to devote so much space to
such a numskull. I quote the following extracts :

‘Among the young men who are making a conspicuous
mark in the social world of this city, there are none who
stand forth more prominent than Mr. Harry Wise.

‘Gifted with natural abilities of an uncommon order,
266 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

he has raised himself to a position not usually attained in
one so young. It is the care he has taken in the cultiva-
tion of his abilities that has placed him in the foremost
ranks of those who are to control this metropolis of the
Pacific Coast.”

In a ludicrous attempt to make it appear that he is a
self-made man, he goes on to say :

“ Having completed his education, his father decided

 

More “ otherwise’? than Wise, but
bound to be “‘in it.”

upon sending him abroad, that his general ideas might
expand. He was liberally supplied with funds, which
gave himan entree into the best society of Europe. As
a consequence he returned, after a year’s travel, with
broadly expanded views, and a more correct judgment of
the aims of life than usually falls to the young man of the
present day. Business comes natural to him, and there
are few old veterans who display more ability than the
subject of this sketch.”

The above ridiculous rubbish is accompanied and em-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 267

bellished with a picture of this little fellow, which goes to
show that his ‘‘ideas” of his own insignificance must
have expanded while ‘studying business in European
society,” (?) even if his common-sense views, if he ever
had any, did desert him. I never heard before that
European society approved of any business except empty-
title matrimonial boards of brokers, and they invariably
require their profégés to produce something that resembles
a pedigree.

Poor little fellow ! He has succeeded in getting his
name mentioned at last, and I hope that he and Hume
and the other noodle heads will have sense enough in the
future to keep their silly little threats to themselves.

If they bother me any more I will send Mr. Delmas to
them to ask them if they know an organization called
the ‘‘ fruit-pickers.”’

Oh, no! I will not send Mr. Delmas. On _ second
thought I find that it would not be advisable to send him,
because Mr. Hume might ask him about his own esca-
pades at the second establishment.

May Goodwin of the Sea King Co., and the ‘‘cozy
cottage,” and divers other parvenu proprieties and finan-
cial enterprises, such as the Coleman case, the Cox case,
etc., etc.
CHAPTER XXII.

Durinc the latter part of June and the early part of
July, 1888, my new friends in Oakland introduced me to
several other nice families, including the Gunns, who
lived next door, and the Platts, who are relatives of the
Belis, and Mr. Lacey Goodrich. Then Miss Brunner
invited me to call on her at her residence out on Washing-
ton Street, near Steiner, and meet her father and sisters
and brother and brother-in-law. Through the courtesy
of the Brunners I became acquainted with several of their
friends, including the Withams and the Goellers and
several others.

Thus, in the course of a few weeks, I formed lasting
acquaintances with several estimable families, the heads
of which are numbered among the old reliable pioneers
of ’49 and ’50,

Those are representatives of that class of Californians
to whom the State is indebted for her existence as a
civilized institution, and I consider it an honor to be
able to mention the fact that I am at liberty to refer to
my first San Francisco acquaintances as friends.

If all Californians possessed the refinement of this first
coterie whom I met over seven years ago the public
would not hear so much about snobs, upstarts, shoddyites,
and other parvenus and insolent pretenders.

A few days after going to Oakland to board I came
over to San Francisco and called upon Captain Searle at
the Palace Hotel. It was then that I learned, for the

268
SOCIETY AS [T REALLY ITS. 269

first time, of the instructions that the captain had left for
me while I was on the Shexandoah, in February, to the
effect that I should report for duty as soon as he returned
from the midwinter voyage.

When Captain Searle advised me that my position on
the City of New York would be open as svon as that
ship returned from China, and that he wanted me to come
back, I decided to quit the AZarvzposa and return to the
former vessel.

I wanted to leave the Mariposa on good terms with
Captain Hayward and his officers, so I explained that my
chances for promotion would be better in the Pacific Mail
Steamship Company than in Spreckels’ employ, on account
of the former company’s running so many more steamers
than Spreckels. The Pacific Mail had over twenty
steamers in commission at that time plying between San
Francisco, Japan, China, Mexico, Central America,
Panama, and New York; whereas Spreckels had only four
ships all told: the AZardposa, the Alameda, the Australia,
and the Zealandia; and there was sume talk of laying one
or two of those off, on account of dull trade.

First Officer Hart gave mea good recommendation to
take back to the Pacific Mail, and Captain Hayward
indorsed it, after which I left the AZariposa and returned
to Oakland to await the return of the City of Mew Vork.
This wait was the first vacation that I had taken, except
for a few days at a time, in nearly four years.

If ever I enjoyed a good rest in my life, it was the
month spent at Mrs. Bell’s, in East Oakland. Entirely
free from duty, with no orders to obey; no long tricks at
the wheel; no disagreeable midwatches, dog watches,
morning watches, or any other kind of watches to stand
during cold, rainy, or stormy weather; no turning out at
midnight one night and at 4 a. mM. the next, to “relieve
270 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

the wheel and lookout,” I had. absolutely nothing to
bother my head about, and for once in my life I just took
things easily.

Talk about a pleasant time! If any man,—1 don't care
who,—millionaire or anyone else, ever spent a more
agreeable month away from home than I did during this
“lay off,” as we sailors call a vacation, I should like to
ask him where he found it. Every Oaklander knows
what June and July weather is in that city, but since
there are so many persons who have never had the oppor-
tunity of enjoying it that the author has had, and, as it is
more than likely that a good many of those who live in
the South and East and other parts of the world will read
this Drarvy, 1 trust that my friends ‘‘across the bay,”
including Mr. and Mrs. Kaeser and family, Mr. and Mrs.
Blethen and household, Mr. and Mrs. Osler and happy
family, Mr. and Mrs. Platt and family, Harry Kirk, the
Huff boys, Fred Phoebe, and many others whom I esteem
very highly, will permit me to briefly tell my other friends
who live elsewhere, what a nice place Oakland is to live in.

Oakland is one of the most beautifully laid out cities
in the world. Almost every street affords as nice a drive
as Golden Gate Avenue. Nearly all the residence
streets and avenues have a row of eucalyptus or other
nice shade trees on each side. Some of the prettiest
residences in the State are to be found there, and they
are occupied by people who are as nice as they are soci-
able and hospitable.

One reason why the ladies of Oakland always look so
much healthier and brighter than do a great many San
Francisco ladies, is, I think, because they keep better
hours. And then they have a climate over there as far
superior to that of San Francisco as the climate of the
latter city is to that of New York, Chicago, Boston,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 271

Philadelphia, Vicksburg, New Orleans, and many other
Eastern and Southern cities which I visited. And I did
not copy a word of the above from Mr. Lamance’s Oak-
land real estate advertisements, either.

On the sth of July, 1888, the Crty of New York arrived
in port with Captain T. P. Deering in command. Four
days later I went aboard and reported to First Officer
James M. Dow, and was reappointed to my former posi-
tion of quartermaster.

On Thursday, the 19th, I went out to the Union Iron
Works to see the launching of the U. S. Charleston, the
first man-of-war ever built at San Francisco.

On Saturday, the 21st, Captain Searle relieved Captain
Deering in command of the City of Mew York, the latter
gentleman taking his original position as first officer.
At three o’clock the same afternoon we sailed for Hong
Kong via Yokohama.

During the following year we ran steadily between the
above mentioned ports, calling at Honolulu occasionally
on return voyages.

In all, we made five ‘‘round trips” during which
time we covered a total distance of about sixty-five thou-
sand nautical or sea miles, equal to more than three
times the circumference of the earth. At the end of
each voyage we had a ‘‘lay over” of a week to ten
days in San Francisco, and about the same time at Hong
Kong, and a short stay of one to three days at Yoko-
hama, going and returning.

While the ship was at the home port, I generally
managed to get time enough to myself to keep up the
acquaintances already formed in San Francisco and Oak-
land, and to meet a good many more nice people, includ-
ing the Palace Hotel set, that was at that time. Those
latter included the Halseys, the Dutards, the Fords, the
272 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY ; OR,

Rices, the Johnsons, the Eddys, the Sachs, the Bartons,
the Lewises, the Estees, the Latons, the Hallecks and
many others of that good old reliable class, and their
friends living all over the city. With hardly a single ex-
ception the names of the ladies of the above-mentioned
families are identified with the management of the lead-
ing charitable institutions in the city, such as the ‘ Old
People’s Home,” the ‘‘ Women’s Hospital,” the ‘* Chil-
dren’s Hospital,” and various asylums for foundlings
and orphans.

I will take all the responsibility for making the asser-
tion that I can point out twenty ladies of the coterie
referred to, who do more good in various ways for
the benefit and improvement of society in general, than
the entire membership of the so-called exclusive set all
put together. But you never see the names of those
estimable ladies attached to glowing society column re-
ports of elaborate dinners and gorgeous receptions given
in honor of some miserable alien fortune hunter of a
prince, whose entire past has been devoted to the de-
basement of every naturally good and lofty instinct
that tends to the elevation of society, and whose chief
purpose in future life is to marry some feeble-minded
American heiress, and squander her fortune among his
disreputable associates in London and Paris.

The vea/ American lady is rarely identified with vul-
tures of the last-mentioned strata, unless it is through
some mistake. But the members of Parvenucracy wine,
dine, feast, and court the vultures and toady to them in
a way that would shame a Palace Grill Room waiter look-
ing for a tip from Dan McCarthy or his bosom friend,
“Lord” Talbot Clifton.

The veal lady derives her compensation for her good
deed from the mere knowledge in her own pure heart
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 273

that she has contributed a mite toward the comfort of
the deserving poor.

But when the Parvenuess gives a dollar to a chari-
table institution she squanders five more to advertise
what she has done, and if she goes to a charity enter-
tainment and spends a few dollars, she invariably looks
over the morning paper the next day to see if her name
is inthe list. Andif it is not there, God help the un-
fortunate reporter who forgot to put it in.

I have seen Parvenuesses elbow their way from one end
of adensely packed house to the other, stepping all over
the toes of dozens of quiet citizens, just to tell the society
reporter of a morning paper to put their names down.
And I do not mean the Quack-Nutt, Meldas, Addie
Mizner, Volney Scawlding c/gue, either.

When we arrived in San Francisco on the 15th of July,
1889, the Pacific Mail Company decided to lay the C’t of
New York up for repairs. After discharging her cargo
she was dismantled and towed over to the Union Iron
Works, where she received a thorough overhauling, a
brand new set of boilers, new decks, new rigging, and
electric lights in place of the old oil lamps. Her cabins
and staterooms were renovated and refitted with the best
modern passenger steamer inventions. On leaving the
dock yards after a four months’ lay up, she was practi-
cally as good as a brand new ship, so Mr. Irving M. Scott,
manager of the Iron Works, declared. .

The bills for her repairing and refitting amounted to
about $250,000.

On Friday, the 15th of November, she was brought
back alongside of the Mail dock and put into commission
to run between San Francisco and Panama, za the prin-
cipal ports on the west coast of Mexico and Central
America. On the same day, which, by the way, was my
274 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

twenty-fourth birthday, I received the following orders
from headquarters :

AGENCY PAcIFIC MAIL STEAMSHIP COMPANY,
WILLIAMS, Dimonp & Co., GENERAL AGENTS,
SAN FRANCISCO, November 15, 1889.
Mr. W. HH. Chambliss, San Francisco :
Dear Sir: You are hereby appointed Third Officer of the S. S,
City of New York, and you will report for duty to Captain Searle at

once.
Yours truly,

(Signed) WILLIAMS, DimonpD & Co.,
General Agents.

During the four months that the ship was laid up for
repairs I had remained on duty, standing night watches
all the time, except about ten days, when I got a leave of
absence to visit San José, Santa Cruz, Del Monte, and
one or two other seaside resorts.

On Saturday, the 23d of November, we sailed on our
first voyage to Panama. The following is a list of our
officers :

R. R. Searle, commander; J. M. Dow, first officer; L.
B. Park, second officer; W. H. Chambliss, third officer;
Amandus Ahman, Reginald Fay, Fred Brooks, and J.
Stevenson, quartermasters; Mr. Hurlihy, chief engineer;
Mr. Murphy, first assistant engineer; Mr. Parsons,
second assistant engineer; Mr. Floyd, third assistant en-
gineer; E. J. Richardson, purser; Dr. Frank S. Sutton,
surgeon; Mr. Dearborne, freight clerk; Mr. Pfeiffer, as-
sistant freight clerk; James Blonk, carpenter.

One would naturally suppose that a steamer fresh from
the Union Iron Works would be able to go to Panama
and back, a total distance of only about seven thousand
miles, without breaking down. But such was not the
case with us. Just as we were abreast of Pigeon Point,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 275

about forty miles down the coast, a defective valve
burst, disabling the engine so that we had to stop from
eight o’clock in the evening until one the next day,
to repair the damage.

Fortunately the sea was calm. Had there been a
westerly breeze we would have drifted ashore with our
quarter million dollars’ worth of Union Iron Works
“repairs” and all.

The forward cylinder was completely disabled so far as
repairing it on board was concerned, so the engineers
disconnected it, and we proceeded on our course with only
one cylinder working, and arrived at Acapulco, Mexico,
on Sunday, the rst of December.

At Acapulco the engineers managed to repair the
broken valve, and we proceeded on our course, after two
days’ delay.

Between Acapulco and Panama, we called at Cham-
perico and San José de Guatamala ; La Libertad, Aca-
jutla, and La Union, San Salvador; and Punta Arenas,
Costa Rica, arriving at Panama, on Friday, the 13th of
December.

Of all the God-forsaken ports that ever I stopped at
for more than a few days at a time, except Chemulpo,
Corea, the port of Panama takes the lead. On account
of the shallowness of the water, the coral reefs and the
heavy rise and fall of the tide in the harbor, the large
Mail steamers have to load and unload at an island about
seven miles away from the city.* At low tide the ships
settle down in the mud. Panama is such an unhealthy
place that no one cares to go ashore there more than
once a voyage, and even if one should like to go oftener,
it takes nearly all night to go from the ship to the town

* The ‘‘range” (rise and fall) of the tide in Panama Bay is probably
thirty feet.
276 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

and back in a small boat ; and then you are liable to get
aground on the reefs, where you may have to wait for the
next high tide, if the sharks don’t eat you in the mean-
time.

We left Panama on the 23d of December, 1889, and
arrived at San Francisco on the 17th of January, 1890,
having called at the regular Central American and Mexi-
can ports on the route.

Among the passengers on the homeward bound voyage
was Mrs. John Martin, who subsequently was given so
much notoriety in San Francisco, in 1894, for having the
unpardonable audacity to ask a local court of justice (?)
to decide whether or not her little baby boy was entitled
to a few thousand dollars which had been lawfully left
to the child by the last will of the late Henry Martin, a
wealthy brother-in-law of the little child’s mother.

Mrs. Martin, who is nothing if not a natural woman,
brings forth and raises her offspring. Therefore she should
have known better than to expect justice for her child,
when she knew very well that her cold-blooded million-
aire sister-in-law, who is opposed to children on general
principles, and ex-Mayor E. B. Pond and several other
celebrities of savory reputations were so bitterly opposed
to her having justice that they were willing to resort to
the most detestable methods of ‘‘mud-throwing”’ ever
heard of, in order to prejudice the judge, the jury, the
press, and the public at large against her, and thereby
rob her two-year-old son of his inherited pittance, which
would have been barely enough to give the little boy the
plain business education that Henry Martin evidently
desired him to receive. Justice! Bah!
CHAPTER XXIII.

Tue Panama route has the reputation of being the
hardest steamship route in the world.

Having served one year as third officer of the City of
New York on that line, I am prepared to corroborate a
great many tales about various things which render life
almost unbearable to those who earn their bread by filling
the different official and other positions on the Mail
steamers.

From the time the ship leaves the wharf at San Fran-
cisco until her return, two months later, the everyday
vexations, annoyances and troubles to which all hands,
from the captain on down to the sailors’ mess-boy inclu-
sive, are subjected, defy description. There are so many
unheard of annoyances, which no one who has never
made the trip as an employee of a steamer would ever
think of. Not the least by any means of those hardships
are the peculiar effects produced on different individuals
by the rapid and continuous changes of climate as the
ship goes south.

I have seen persons who were never addicted to drink
in their lives lose all appetite for solid food by the time
the ship passed Cape St. Lucas, on her south bound trip,
and develop, in the place of natural appetites, an
unquenchable thirst for everything in the way of liquids
in the ship. It seems to bea form of insanity produced
by the combined influence of the change of temperature
and the peculiar motion of the steamer running on a
smooth, calm sea, with a lazy, sleepy swell.

277
278 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

The steamers keep only a short distance off shore all
the way down, and sometimes they roll heavily when
there is no wind at all. This is not the motion that pro-
duces the dreaded malady which never kills, and which
is called ‘seasickness.” But it produced an effect on
ladies who travel without their husbands that is said to
be far more disastrous to family peace and happiness
than the other form of seasickness. That is, if the
husband ever happens to hear about it from some meddle-
some individual who has no better sense than to tell.

One disagreeable thing about an officer’s position ona
Panama steamer is that he seldom gets a chance to go
ashore at any of the ports down the coast. And then
again, it happens sometimes that the steamer is late in
arriving at San Francisco, and has to be discharged and
reloaded on short notice. When this happens, all hands
except the captain, chief engineer, surgeon, and purser
are kept busy from the time of arrival up to sailing
hour.

For instance, upon our arrival, May 11, 1890, we found
that the Mail Company had made a new schedule for us,
by which we had to discharge our cargo and load up and
get away on the 14th, in consequence of which we had to
stand regular sea-watches during the three days at the
home port.

When we came into port here on the zgth of the follow-
ing October, Mr. W. R. A. Johnson, general agent of
the company, decided to promote our captain to the com-
mand of the City of Peking, of the China line. The
Peking is the largest steamer in the Pacific Mail service.
Dr. Walker, the surgeon, Mr. Burton, the purser, and
and several others, myself included, were detached from
the Wew York and ordered to the Peking, along with Cap-
tain Searle.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 279

Here is a sample of the orders usually issued in such
cases:

OrricE Paciric Malt S. S. Co.,
W. R. A. JOHNSON, GENERAL AGENT,
San FRANCISCO, October 29, 1899.

To Mr. W.H. Chambliss, Third Officer S. S. City of New York,
in Port:

Dear Sir: You are hereby transferred from your position as Third
Officer of the S.S. City of New York to a similar position upon the S. S.
City of Peking, and will report for duty to Captain Searle at once.

Yours truly,
W. R. A. JoHNson,
Acting General Agent.

The City of Peking was scheduled to sail for China on
the 1st of November, and she got away promptly on time.
From this it will be seen that we who were transferred
from the Vew York had three short days in port.

I made five voyages to China and return, on the City of
Peking, between the above date and the roth of October,
1891. Those persons who imagine that the officers of
ocean steamers have nothing to do except stand their
usual deck watches at sea, have a very wrong idea. The
first, second, and third officers, sometimes called mates,
and the quartermasters, compose the navigation depart-
ment.

A brief idea of what the deck officers or mates have to
do in addition to standing their bridge watches of six
hours on and six hours off, from one side of the ocean to
the other, may be obtained from the following:

At about eight o’clock every morning, each officer is
required to take his own observations of the sun with his
sextant. These morning observations, or ‘‘ time sights,”
as nearly all navigators term this very important part of
nautical astronomy, are taken for the purpose of ascer-
280 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

taining the longitude, and correcting the time. A ship
running on an easterly or westerly course is constantly
changing her local time at the rate of four minutes to
every degree of longitude. In order to regulate the
local time the pilot house clock, which is the town clock
of the ship, is corrected daily, usually at about ten in the
forenoon, by setting the clock back at the rate of one
hour for every fifteen degrees of longitude made west,
and by setting it ahead at the same rate when you are
sailing eastward.

At noon every day each officer must take his observa-
tions of the sun to ascertain the latitude. This noon
observation is called the meridian altitude, and it is the
shortest as well as the best method for finding the true
latitude.

Having ascertained the position of the ship by nautical
astronomical observations; having worked out the longi-
tude by chronometer sights based on Greenwich mean
time, and the latitude by meridian observations and the
sun’s declination; having, by means of his figures thus
obtained, computed the exact distance in knots or nauti-
cal miles; having found the true course, made good by
corrected standard compass, since the previous noon, and
having found the error of the compass by observations of
the sun taken with an azimuth circle (all of which work
requires the attention of a clear head for at least two
hours altogether on each day), each of the three navigat-
ing officers must make up his dazly report, and hand the
same in to the captain before 1 o’clock p. M.

The captain, who is, of course, the highest officer on
board, and ‘‘master of all his surveys,” having worked
his way up through all the subordinate positions in the
navigation department to his present high position, which
is the very top rung of the merchant marine ladder, or, to
 

COMMANDER AND OFFICERS OF THE “CITY
OF PEKING,” IN 18or.

Captain Searle.

Mr. Mortensen. Doctor Bond.
Mr. McClure. Mr. Chambliss.
Mr. Kramer. Mr. Spencer.

Mr. Sawdon.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 283

use a pure nautical phrase “he top ratline in the royal
rigging, is so familiar with the fine work of navigation
that he can tell at a glance if there is a single error in
one of his officers’ work.

Having compared the reports of all three of his ‘‘ deck
officers’ with private figures obtained from observations
which he has incidentally taken as a safe precaution, the
captain proceeds to make up with his own hands the
Daily Bulletin. Copies of the Bulletin are posted in the
main saloon, in the officers’ messroom, and in the smok-
ing room, so that all hands may know just exactly where
they are ‘‘at.”

Here is a sample of a Daily Bulletin, which will be
recognized by all tourists and ‘“‘ globe trotters’? who may
chance to see it:

STEAMSHIP ‘‘ CITY OF PEKING.”

Sunday, August 16, 1891.
Latitude, 29° 02' 15" north.

Longitude, 144° 13’ 30’ west.
Course south, 58° 46’ west.

Distance, 256.4 knots.
(Signed) Ropert R, SEARLE,

Commander.
The above Bulletin is taken froman entry in my private
log book, made on the date given while ev route from San
Francisco to Hong Kong 7va Honolulu and Yokohama.
Here is another, posted en route to Sydney, via
Honolulu, Apia, and Auckland.
Roya MAIL STEAMER ‘‘ MARIPOSA,”
Wednesday, April 11, 1888.
Latitude, 31° 44’ 51’ north.
Longitude, 139° 25’ 00” west.
Course, south 48° west.

Distance, 316.9 miles.
(Signed) H, M, Haywarp.

Commander,
284 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

And yet such good-for-nothing nincompoops and land-
lubbers as the Cooke-Hume-Cosgrave-Blueway-‘‘ Birdie ”-
Irving-Fruit-Picker combination of fake society reporters,
free-lunch counter bums, and fake advertising agents,
who have not an astronomical or nautical idea above a
“‘cold deck,” or a five-cent ‘‘schooner of steam beer’’
with a hot sausage ‘‘on the side,” have the impudence to
refer to the captains, mates, and engineers of these great
ocean liners as ‘‘ old salts” and ‘‘old Jack Tars.”

When the quiet citizen sits back in his armchair at
home and reads the glowing ‘‘society column” reports
of vultures like those mentioned above, and in the same
paper sees contemptuous and cowardly references to such
estimable gentlemen as Captain Seabury, Captain Ward,
Captain Morse, Captain Mortensen, Captain Clark, Cap-
tain Friele, Captain Searle, Captain Cavarly, Captain
Pearne, Captain Smith, Captain Randle, Captain Haskins,
Captain Dow, and other commanders and their officers
who navigate ships, little does he know the truth about
what he reads.

Most of those hardy old officers are as far superior,
morally and intellectually, to the vultures who criticize
them, as is a bank accountant to an African freed savage,
in mathematics.

The shallowness, the petty meanness, the corruption,
the arrogance, the false pretentions, the mock modesty,
and the general all-round insincerity and utter useless-
ness of the everyday life of the Parvenucracy have an
effect upon a sea captain similar to that which the pitch-
ing of a ship in a gale produces on a landsman.

It is against those unprincipled wretches who pose as
“gentlemen of leisure,” and ‘‘leaders ” of the upstart
element,—nearly the entire crew of which is a curse to
society and civilization,—that I have taken occasion to
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 285

warn my many esteemed friends in the navy as well as in
‘he merchant marine. (See Chapter XI.) I know what
I am talking about, and I want my friends to accept this
in the spirit of a man who is writing for the good of
society.

I have seen those vultures around the hotels, poker
clubs, race tracks, faro dens, ‘‘ family boarding houses,”
‘bachelor quarters,’ * and many other places where I
have gone—for the purpose of studying their ways—that
I might know whereof and of whom I write, for the bene-
fit of those who would like to know the truth. The soci-
ety barbarians against whom I write are to good society
and virtue as were the pirates of old to the commerce of
the world. Freebooters, gamblers, card sharps, and liber-
tines. They pose in claw-hammer coats, purchased with
ill-gotten gains, and wreck the homes, the happiness, and
lives of honorable men, by taking advantage of female
weakness.

Not satisfied with having destroyed the peace and
happiness of innocent men, women, and children, these
marauders of society boast of their doings, in order that
the world may know all about it, except the names of the
pirates who did it.

The very minute an honest citizen exposes one of those
ruffians, the latter, who possess no honor at all, sets up a
piteous wail about it being ‘‘dishonorable” for the hon-
est citizen to expose him.

A man who boasts of his ‘‘ gallantry” with other men’s

* Bachelor quarters,—so called,—or ‘‘ bachelor apartments,” are room-
ing houses where married ‘‘men” keep their mistresses. Some of the
wealthy he members of the Parvenucracy, who keep ‘‘ bachelor quarters ”
under assumed names, have female agents regularly employed to kidnap
schoolgirls and drag them into their harems to be kept for a time and
then thrown on the town as “‘ street walkers.”
286 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

wives, or of his perfidy with trusting women, is to be
dreaded more than the burglar who enters your bedroom
and steals your purse while you sleep.

Who steals my purse, steals trash ; ’tis something, nothing ;
’Twas mine; ’tis his, and has been slave to thousands ;

But he that filches from me my good name,

Robs me of that which not enriches him,

And makes me poor indeed.
— Shakespeare.

When those infamous knaves run short of true tales to
tell to one another and to all who will listen to them,
they seldom hesitate about inventing bare-faced lies about
innocent people. Nine times out of ten their tales of
their ‘‘gallantries” are false. But such stories, having
once been uttered against a female, can never be recalled.
And, whether false or true, if names are used, they have
about the same effect on the man of the world who hears
them.

Some of my acguaintances will undoubtedly object to this;
but my frends (and I have a good many) will not. We
all know that human nature is weak. When one hears a
man boasting of his ‘‘ gallantries’’ and carryings-on with
the respectable portion of the weaker sex, it is perfectly
safe to shun him, and treat him with the same degree of
contempt that is being served out to Oscar Wilde.
CHAPTER XXIV.

Durinc the last voyage that I made on the Crty of
Peking I decided to apply for a leave of absence, upon
our return to San Francisco.

I had two very good reasons for desiring to ‘‘ lay off”
a couple of months.

First: I wanted to go before the local Board of U. S.
Inspectors of Steam Vessels and pass an examination for
a first officer’s certificate, or ‘‘mate’s papers,” to use
the proper nautical term.

Second: I wanted to visit my mother, my sister and
brothers and old friends, whom I had not seen in eight
years.

Having been on duty in the service of the Pacific
Mail for more than three years without a furlough, I felt
that a breathing spell on shore would do me good.

Since this was my last voyage in any capacity except
that of a passenger on several subsequent voyages on
different ships, and as it resulted in my changing the
course of my life entirely, I trust that the reader will
pardon me for giving some of the details. I shall not
attempt to lead the reader into the belief that a certain
pleasant acquaintance formed on board the steamer during
the outward bound voyage had anything to do with my
sudden resolution to stop ashore for a while, because if
I did I would be treading on the premises of writers of
fiction.

We set sail from San Francisco on Tuesday, the 11th
of August, 1891, at 4 P. M.

287
288 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Shortly before we cast off our lines from the Mail dock,

Mr. Arthur Verdante, a well-known and popular official
of the company’s service, came aboard, accompanied by
Mrs. Verdante, his wife, and Miss Lillian, their only
daughter. Mr. Verdante introduced me to the ladies
and informed me that they were going out to Japan ona
pleasure trip and he hoped that the officers of the ship
would make their journey as pleasant as possible.
' Mr. Verdante said something about someone else who
was to accompany Mrs. and Miss Verdante on the voyage,
but before the conversation concluded the quartermaster
passed the word around for the officers to repair to their
respective stations for leaving port, and I did not have
time to wait for an introduction just then. I had to take
my station on the bridge with the captain and the pilot.
After the usual excitement attending the departure of an
ocean steamer, we backed away from the wharf, steamed
on down the bay and out to sea.

When Mr. William Wright, the second officer, relieved me
from duty at eight o’clock, —at which time we were passing
Farallone Island Light, —I walked aft on the quarter-deck
to see how the ladies were getting along. Mrs. Verdante
had retired to her cabin to remain until she got accustomed
to the motion of the ship, but Miss Lillian was on deck,
and she introduced me to her friend, Miss Breuvage, and
after explaining that she was her dearest friend, Miss
Verdante ran down below to look after her seasick
mother, like the sweet, dutiful daughter that she was,
leaving her friend on deck with me.

Miss Breuvage proceeded to tell me that she and Miss
Verdante had just graduated from Mills’ Seminary, Oak-
land. She said little else about herself, except that her
parents, who did not wish to take the sea voyage them-
selves, had, after a good deal of persuasion from Miss
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 289

Verdante, consented to allow her to accompany the latter,
in charge of her mother. Nothing more was said about
her parents or family, and I never asked her any ques-
tions. I did not have to be told anything about Miss
Jennie’s people, for I could see for myself that she pos-
sessed that genuine, unmistakable refinement which is
a natural inheritance from a good mother; and at the
same time she displayed unquestionable signs of practical
ideas and solid common sense, which must have been
inherited from a thoroughly practical father. All of
those natural qualities had been well preserved and culti-
vated, and I should like to say that a seminary which
turns out such splendid types of polished womanhood as
Miss Breuvage and Miss Verdante, must be conducted on
lines which should commend the institution to any mother
or father who might desire to give a daughter a course of
training that would fit her for woman's proper sphere in life.

I have not the honor of a personal acquaintance with
the professors of Mills’ Seminary; but if they can stand
a compliment in plain, common-sense English, I should
take pleasure in saying that they know their business or
profession as teachers—that is, if Misses Breuvage and
Verdante and a few dozen more of their graduates whom
I have met are fair samples of what they do for their
pupils over there.

Although favored with beautiful weather and a smooth
sea during the outward voyage, we had to contend with
the disadvantages of a partially crippled engine, which
could not be induced to go any faster than 260 miles a
day, when we should have been making over 300. How-
ever, since it was through no fault of mine, and since the
Pacific Mail did not sustain any loss, I cannot say that
I regretted the loss of time of two days that we experi-
enced between San Francisco and Honolulu.
290 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

We came to anchor outside the Reefs at Honolulu, at
6.17 P. M., on Monday, the roth.

The next morning I went ashore with the ladies to
escort them round Honolulu. They had several school-
mates and friends residing there, and they also had
letters of introduction to some of my Honolulu acquaint-
ances, among whom were the Damons. Honolulu is
a nice, sociable city, and its leading citizens are very
hospitable, and not over particular about limiting their
friends to society calling hours, especially passing friends
who have only a few hours in port, while the steamer
remains.

The Damons, who are among the wealthiest Americans
on the islands, thought nothing of our calling on them
at 7:30 A. M.

The ladies were ona pleasure trip, and as curios are
always in order, I thought it would be a pity to pass
Honolulu without treating them to the sight of a mission.
ary financier. So I took them up to see Mr. S. M.
Damon.

This ‘‘holy” missionary is a son of an old Down East
missionary who was sent to Honolulu during the reign
of King Kamehemeha IL, so I have been informed.

The elder Damon was given some land by the king in
exchange for a little missionarianity. His son Sammy,
the subject of this sketch, early developed financial
traits of an uncommon order. He induced his father to
advance him some funds (I didn’t say church funds) to
invest in a private scheme which he had in his head.
With these funds he sent to the United States and pur-
chased large quantities of ten cent silver pieces, which
he exchanged for the large coins already in circulation
in Honolulu, at the rate of eight dimes for a dollar.
Subsequently he became interested in the millinery busi-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TIS. 291

ness, and induced the old man to tell the native women,
from the pulpit, that their entrance into heaven would
be greatly facilitated if they would buy new hats, such as
were worn by the holy missionary ladies. The advice
had the desired effect, and the Aavaka women rushed to
the millinery store, where the bright young financier sold
them all the hats that they needed, receiving their dimes
in payment for the same at the par value of ten to the
dollar, explaining that this was necessary in order to get
the small change into circulation again. And the
‘heathen’ women went their way, rejoicing and giving
thanks to the god of hypocrisy for having created
missionaries like unto the Damons.

Mr. Damon showed us all the attention that a person
could reasonably expect from a financier. He even
went to the livery stable and instructed the proprietor
to give us the best team in Honolulu—on percentage.
We drove all over the city, and afterward tried to drive
up to the summit of Punch-bowl Hill, and, taking the
wrong road, we drove and drove, up and up Nuuanna
Valley until we came toa standstill in the middle of a
big sugar farm, where the road was so narrow that we
had to get out of the rockaway, unhitch the horses and
turn the vehicle around by hand. After this experi-
ence we returned to town and drove out King’s Street
to IFatkiki, and Sans Soucz, and then over to Dr. Trous-
seau’s ostrich farm. By this time it was getting late in
the afternoon, so we took the team back to the stable,
and returned to the steamer on Jerry Simonson’s steam
lighter, the same little craft, with her smokestack in
one quarter, that we went ashore on.

About 4 P. mM. we got under way and proceeded on
our course for Yokohama, arriving there on Thursday,
the 3d of September.
292 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

The ladies disembarked at Yokohama, and we pro-
ceeded on to Hong Kong and arrived at that port on
the roth.

When we called at Yokohama on our return voyage,
on the 22d of September, I found my lady friends safely
domiciled at a private boarding house at No. 2 Bluff.
They had visted Tokio, Kamakura, and the great statue
of Diabutsu, and had returned to Yokohama just the day
before our arrival. They expressed themselves highly
pleased with Japan. They were there to see the country
and, acting on the advice of their friends, they were
keeping clear of the local society of Europeans men-
tioned in Chapter IX.

They came aboard the steamer the following morning,
and remained nearly all day, and took lunch, or “fen, as
it is called out there, on board. In the evening I went
ashore and called upon them to say ‘‘good-by.” We
were scheduled to sail the next morning at daylight, and
they were coming back on the Crty of Rio de Janeiro,
which vessel was due to sail from there about the 17th of
the following month.

At daybreak in the morning of September 25 we
were under way, and in the course of four or five hours
we rounded Cape King and took the usual Great Circle
course for San Francisco, arriving here on the roth of
October.

On the following night after our arrival, San Francisco
was visited by the heaviest earthquake that had been felt
in the city in twenty years. I was sitting in my room,
No. 814 Palace Hotel, writing a letter when the shock
came. At first there was a rumbling sound, similar to the
passing of a heavy freight train; then the great hotel
began to tremble from cellar to garret ; windows rattled,
beams creaked and groaned, doors opened and banged to
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 293

again, tables and chairs shifted their positions, and in a
minute this enormous caravansary was in an uproar. As
I left my room and started for the elevator I saw men,
women, and children rushing wildly out of their rooms, try-
ing to escape from what appeared to be a doomed house.
A big fat lady occupying the adjoining room, No. 815,
rushed out of her door and seized me like a drowning per-
son, and would not let me go until the building quit
shaking. I called her attention to the fact that she had
forgotten to complete her toilet before leaving her room,
then she quit screaming, turned me loose, and vanished
into her own room, and I saw nothing more of her. It
was about half past ten when the shock came. The
hotel was full of Eastern tourists, most of whom had re-
tired for the night. There were curious stories in cir-
culation the next morning about Eastern rural gentle-
men who grabbed their gripsacks, rushed out on Market
Street and refused to enter the house again until break-
fast. Such tales as those are highly amusing after the
danger is passed, but we seldom see anything funny in
each other’s terror-stricken escapades at the time that
they happen, because we are all of us susceptible to a
strange antipathy for the quaking of Mother Earth.

Monday, October 19, 1891, I made application to Mr.
Alexander Center, General Agent of the Pacific Mail, for
a two months’ leave of absence.

Tuesday, the 20th, application granted. Mr. Paulsen,
formerly second officer of the steamer Acapulco, relieved
me on the Cvrty of Peking.

Wednesday, 21st, the Pekrng sailed on her regular sched-
ule time.

On Thursday and Friday, the 22d and 23d, 1 passed
my examination before the United States Board of In-
spectors and received my certificate for mate of ocean
294 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

steamers, and license to sail as first officer on Pacific
Ocean lines.

Wednesday, October 28, 1891. About half past four
o'clock this morning Mr. Cheo. M. Tarceau, who
occupies the suite of rooms, Nos. 816 and 817, right next
door to mine, in the Palace Hotel, returned from the
“tug-of-war” in an unsettled condition, and, after bang-
ing and kicking on doors until he woke up all the occu-
pants in the adjoining rooms, he got into his wife’s room,
and proceeded to explain to his spouse something which
had evidently displeased him before he went out. Judg-
ing from the noise that followed, his wife’s room must
have presented a beautiful scene. It was none of my
affairs, so I did not presume to interfere with them. I
opened my door and looked out just in time to catcha
glimpse of a fleeing female figure in white as it escaped
from the room of the courteous ‘‘ tintographer,”’ and
disappeared down the hallway. It was Mrs. Tarceau,
formerly Mrs. Phrisk of Fresno. She had only been
married to the ‘‘fort-hog-rapher” a very short while.

Very soon the night watchman of the hotel appeared
on the scene, accompanied by several of the colored
employees, and they managed to secure the enraged
Frenchman ; but not until he had avenged himself by
smashing everything of a perishable nature in his rooms,
including all of his wife’s dainty dr7c-a-brac, looking-glasses,
whatnot, etc., and upsetting a chiffoniere. I understand
that the watchman had to resort to the use of some stout
twine ora trunk lashing, and bind the unhappy colonel
hand and foot, in order to quiet him down. Everybody
in the house knew all about it by breakfast time, and I
was kept busy all the forenoon answering questions in an
evasive manner. It was talked around that I occupied
the next room to the scene of the disturbance, and, in
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 295

self-defense, I was obliged to answer all inquiries with
the statement that I thought it was another earthquake.

When I went out to Mrs. Kixler’s charity musicale this
evening I was plied with questions enough by the guests
there assembled to fill a chapter. Dr. William J.
Younger, the swell society dentist, who charges twenty
dollars an hour for extracting, manufacturing, and filling
society teeth, was the first gentleman to start the report
that ‘the young man who lived in the adjoining room to
the Tarceaus was in the house.”

After that I did nothing but listen to questions and
repeat my stereotyped answer to all.

I have nothing against Mr. Tarceau, and I did not
care to tell what I had just entered in my diary. He
occupies a position as colonel on Governor Harkham’s
staff, and all the other colonels who were assembled at
the Kixler charity affair, including Dr. Younger and the
“‘fruit-pickers,”’ were talking about asking him to resign.
CHAPTER XXV.,

Fripay, October 30, 1891. Left San Francisco at
7 Pp. M. on the east-bound overland, va Ogden, for a trip
through the North, East, and South.

Saturday, 31st. The section opposite to mine in the
Pullman car was occupied last night by a lady and two
small children, one of which would neither go to sleep nor
let anybody else in the car sleep. It insisted on keeping
up a continuous bawling all night, until we reached Reno,
where the noisy brat and the rest of its family got off.

Sunday, November 1. Arrived at Ogden, Utah, at
8.30 A.M. Changed cars for Salt Lake City, and arrived
at the great Mormon metropolis at 10.30. Attended
services in the famous Mormon Tabernacle, and visited
Camp Douglas this afternoon. Am stopping at the
Knutsford Hotel. Salt Lake City is an enterprising
place. While I am opposed to the Mormon so-called
religion, which allows men to have as many wives as
they can get, Iam obliged to admit that this barbarous
social custom seems to have had but little effect on the
advancement of other branches of what is called modern
civilization. For instance, they have their politicians,
political bosses, hoodlums, ‘‘toughs,” and street-corner
orators. They have their “tenderloin” district (all
over the city). The saloons and disorderly houses that
have no faro den attachments advertised in the official
guide lose their social prestige.

But are there not plenty of men in other cities who
are not satisfied with one wife? (I don’t mean Meldas,

296
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 297

Quack-Nut, Toad, Fair, Flood, Huntington, Crocker, or
Vanderbilt.) A beautifully laid out city, nice clean
streets, and good hotel accommodations may be men-
tioned among Salt Lake City’s attractions. The city has
as good a system of street railways as I have ever seen,
outside of San Francisco. It has various places of
amusement, beside the regular disorderly resorts, includ-
ing Garfield Beach, the ‘‘ fashionable” summer resort and
watering-place on the Great Salt Lake.

Monday, November 2. On board Rio Grande
Western Mail and Express. Sorry I could not remain
longer in Salt Lake, but I must be getting on East. Left
Salt Lake at 10 o’clock this morning.

Tuesday, 3d. Passed through the famous Royal Gorge
this morning. The scenery, through the Rocky Moun-
tains, for barren grandeur, positively defies a pen descrip-
tion that would do it justice. It must be seen to be appre-
ciated. Many years ago, when the railroad was being built
through here, a great battle was fought between the
forces of the Denver and Rio Grande and the Sante Fe
Railroad Companies for the possession of the Royal Gorge.
Each company claimed the right of way. The discussion
ended in a pitched battle between several thousand rail-
road laborers on each side, fully equipped for fighting the
Indians. This engagement resulted in the loss of hun-
dreds of lives, and a decisive victory for the Denver and
Rio Grande. Thearmy of the Santa Fe was outgeneraled,
routed, and completely overthrown, after which the vic-
torious Denver and Rio Grandes completed their road,
which forms a part of the Burlington system which Tom
McKay of Jefferson County, Miss., represents at San
Francisco. *

* Mr. McKay is at Yokohama at the present time (June, 1895), repre-
senting the Pacific Mail passenger department.
298 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Arrived at Denver at 6.30 p. m., and left two hours
later.

Wednesday, 4th. Thereisa little fifteen-year-old girl in
thesame Pullmancar. She got onthe train at Denver last
night. She appears to be very much depressed over some-
thing. She refuses to eatanything; has not taken a mouth-
ful of anything since she left Denver. Says the motion of
the train makes her sick. She seemed very lonely and
low-spirited when I spoke to her this forenoon, and she
appeared to be afraid of everyone.

I gave her a copy of the [Vasp to read, and Mr. Tom
Flynn’s funny jokes and San Francisco society cartoons
very soon put her in a talkative humor, and she told me
her little story. Her name is Josie Gerahty, and she
came from Leadville, Col. Her father and mother were
engaged in mining. She has an aunt living in New
York, who had sent out to Leadville for here to come on
to New York to live with her and go to school. Her
aunt had sent her a first-class ticket, and she had started
from home with funds enough to defray all of her inci-
dental expenses, including meals and Pullman fare. She
had arrived in Denver in the morning, and, while waiting
for the 8.30 Pp. M. train, she walked uptown, where some
thieving villain picked her pocket of every cent that she
had. Fortunately the thief did not get her ticket, so
she thought she was all right after all. She seemed to
have overlooked the fact that it took several days to go
to New York, for she would not allow anyone to pay for
her meals.

When we stopped at Omaha, Neb., this afternoon, Miss
Cora Sears of Chicago, a relative of Lieutenant Sears of
the navy, got on the train, and Icalled her attention to the
penniless, but high-spirited, little traveler. Miss Sears
tried to induce her to dine with us, but it was no use.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 299

Thursday, November 5. Arrived in Chicago at 9.30
A. M. Shortly before the Burlington train pulled into
the Union Depot Miss Sears, Mr. Stein, of the clothing
firm of Ederheimer, Stein & Co., and the author, made
up a small purse and offered it to little Josie, but it was
a long time before Miss Sears could induce her to accept
it, even as a loan until she reached New York. Finally
we took her to the Erie Depot, got her a section in a
Pullman car, ‘‘tipped” the porter, and saw her off on
her journey, after having telegraphed to her aunt, Miss
Josie Cullen, 156 East 115th Street, New York, to meet
her niece at the Jersey City ferry.

Friday, 6th. Iam stopping at the Grand Pacific Hotel
while in Chicago. Have visited Jackson Park, the
World’s Fair site, and other places of interest in the
great city by the lake. This is my first visit to Chicago.
If an individual opinion, founded on a two days’ ramble
through the business part of the city, amounts to any-
thing, New York has a very dangerous rival here for first
place in the list of large cities.

Some of the buildings have a grander and more impos-
ing appearance on the outside than any of New York’s
mammoth structures. The bustle and flurry of the
multitudes indicate that Chicago is determined to keep
pace with the times.

Saturday, 7th. Left Chicago at 2 p. m., on the Illinois
Central Fast Mail for the South.

Sunday, 8th. Arrived in Jackson, Miss., at 1.30 P.M.
I was robbed while asleep on the train last night. I was
the only passenger in the Pullman car Feronia, except
two others in the stateroom. When I went to bed the
conductor, the negro porter, and the duffet man were
“shooting craps.”’ When I woke up this morning and
missed forty dollars in goid that I had in my pocket, I
3990 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

came to the conclusion that some one of the crap shooters
must have played in hard luck and replenished his funds
from my pocket.

Will have to wait here until 6.30 to-morrow morning
for the ‘Little Jay” train. Am stopping at the
Lawrence House. I hope the people of Jackson will
wake up soon and build a decent first-class hotel for their
visitors. This old, dilapidated, rattle-trap hotel is not
fit for negro ex-slaves to stop in. The fare is actually
worse than that of a San Francisco fifteen cent Third
Street or East Street hash house. The hotel people con-
duct it on a starvation basis, and charge their guests two
dollars a day for letting them go hungry, while the fleas
and mosquitoes relieve them of any surplus blood that
they may have. I should like to caution my friends and
the public at large to steer well clear of the Lawrence
House poker sharps. These rowdies are not Missis-
sippians. They belong to the carpet-bag element which
invaded the South from the tenderloin districts of Cin-
cinnati, New York, Boston, and other large cities, after
the close of the War of Secession. They are a curse to
the South. They never were decent citizens of any place.
About a dozen of those who make their headquarters
around the Lawrence House—when they are not in jail—
form a combination that rivals the Sutter Street fruit-
pickers of San Francisco, and the Thorne-Conan-Williams
“‘compound” of bunko steerers of Yohohama.

But let me say once for all, that vultures like those are
not allowed to enter society in the South under any
pretext whatever.

Southern society draws the line on gamblers, bunko
steerers, wine peddlers, bar-keepers, sure-tip horse-racers,
quacks, shysters, political bosses, street-corner orators,
fakirs, parvenus, disreputable women, and all other
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 301

malodorous pests, just the same as it does the color
line.

The war deprived the better elements of Southern
society of their wealth and, in many instances, their
homes. Grant, with his overwhelming numbers, laid
waste the beautiful Valley of the Mississippi, and his
soldiers plundered the vanquished citizens of all their
possessions. But all the Grants, Shermans, and Farra-
guts, with all the powerful armies and navies and forag-
ing parties of foreigners that they could command, could
never deprive the Southern lady or gentleman of her
or his natural inheritance of courtesy and hospitality.
Grant recognized this fact, and he acknowledged it on
many occasions, including the surrender of Lee at Ap-
pomattox. He thereby gained the respect and esteem of
those whom he had conquered by means of superior num-
bers of imported thirteen-dollars-per-month ‘‘ patriots.”

The most unfortunate mistake ever made by the South
was the hauling down of its own flag.

The Stars and Stripes belonged to no one if not to the
Mother State, and all the other States had equal rights
under it. The flag had been handed down to us by our
forefathers, with their blessing. It was ours by legiti-
mate inheritance, and under its immortal colors we should
have lived or died.

The cause of the South was right. Had it been main-
tained under our old banner it would have lived, and
those who went to war would have lived. The slavery
question would have been compromised when the time
came, and the negroes would have been sent out of the
country instead of being turned loose to relapse into bar-
barism and thereby force the citizens to estabiish the
lynch code.

From the Canadian border to the Gulf of Mexico, and
302 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

from the Altantic to the Pacific, we have had our lesson
written in blood. And all on account of what? A poli-
tical discussion involving the question as to whether the
citizens of several States, including Virginia, the grand
old mother State that gave us George Washington, had a
right to the possession of several million head of live
stock which they had acquired. This live stock had
been acquired by the citizens in the same way that all
other live stock was, and still is acquired: The citizens
had purchased it and bred it.

Although the war resulted in setting this live stock
free, it would be as absurd to think that the young men
of the North fought with that object in view, as would it
be to imagine vow that the negro race was ever created
to be anything higher than a race of servants.

The native born young men of the North who went to
the front say they fought for the preservation of the
flag. They deny the charge of having fought to place the
African onan equality with themselves.

President Lincoln, yielding to what he believed to be
the demands of true ‘‘ Christianity,’ and unable to see
the ultimate disastrous result that his act was bound to
bring upon the slaves that he thought to elevate, issued
a proclamation declaring the slaves ‘‘free.” His advisers
went a step further beyond civilized comprehension in es-
saying to place them on a social equality with Americans.

After thirty years of toleration of the fanatical idea
that the negroes are eligible to the society of white
people, all civilized America now declares that the freed
live stock will never become desirable citizens of any
place except Africa, while God controls the universe.

Let those who have not yet learned this lesson lose no
more time in that direction. It is as plainasA BC;
and what is the use of anyone—except the up-to-date
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 305

politician, the acknowledged curse to America—attempt-
ing to deny the truth.

The War is a thing of the past. A mere matter of
history with the present generation. Grand Army vete-
rans (the real ones) and Confederate colonels alike are
being gathered in by old Father Time, and it is only a
question of a few years when the last one of those brave
old warriors will have disappeared from the face of the earth
forever. They will bequeath to us the result of their expe-
riences, for which the chronic bounty jumpers and pension
pickers claim all the honors and get most of the money.

We of the rising generation throughout the country
know from history how the dena fide soldiers gained their
experiences. Therefore, let us not discuss the old battles
any more, unless we can do so from a common-sense
point of view, and without any excitement. Let us
profit by the experiences of our unfortunate ancestors, and
improve our American society under the good old re-
liable flag which has been handed down to us.

Drop the malignant epithets, ‘‘ Yankee” and ‘“‘ Rebel.”
Those terms were invented by fanatics and foreigners to
aggravate our interstate quarrel.

““Vankee Doodle” and ‘‘ Marching Through Georgia ”
are two airs that should be suppressed. They are
‘‘played out.”

There are no Rebels or Yankees, or any such persons in
America, except perhaps a few thousand feeble-minded
officer-seekers who are not above agitating an unfor-
tunate question, in the wrong spirit, if they think they can,
by such ignoble means, secure a few anarchistic con-
stituents. The average pension picker is more of a
rebel than the ex-Confederate veteran ever was.

The Confederate fought for his home, while many of
the pensioners never fought at all.
306 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

To preserve peace, I would suggest to all good citizens
to let the ‘‘Star Spangled Banner” be played in waltz
and polka time (two, three, and five step, if desired) that
we may all of us—Greenway included, this time—dance
to its strains. Anything that is legitimate, to preserve
national peace and union. But do not forget to keep
the color line well defined, North, South, East, West, and
all over the country.

It is better to stick to your own color, if you care any-
thing for your social standing. Mulattoes are not-con-
sidered eligible to membership in polite social organiza-
tions in any part of the United States or Canada ; and I
am very well assured that no lady or gentleman would
care to be the mother or father of a child that would have
to be branded as an ineligible.

Since the passage of the law—long may it live—pro-
hibiting marriage between blacks and whites, the pres-
ence of a mulatto ata cotillion would be liable to give rise to
more or less suspicion, inadditionto the rank negro odor.

Not that the average mulatto is really any less properly
behaved than certain members of Parvenucracy. Pos-
sibly he may be more polite, more courteous, in the
deceptive outward appearance, and all that, but even
then he had been better not begotten at all, because
people wz say ugly things.

Apropos of the effect that the War of 1861-65 had on
American society, the idea that it will be fought over
again some day on similar lines is too absurd to be
worthy of ridicule. However, it is not hard to under-
stand that persons who lost their friends and property
through the struggle can retain sectional feelings and
considerable bitterness and still be sane. But when it
comes to fighting it over again, that is another proposition
entirely,
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 309

That any American citizen outside of the Methodist
Church or an insane asylum dreams that civilized America
will ever again listen to fanaticism, and allow it to uproot
society in this country with another interstate war, I
doubt.

But, on the other hand, that American society will free
itself some day from this slothful, personized Satan-
ophany, this personified black plague, which Harriet
Beecher Stowe and other fanatics induced President
Lincoln to liberate in our midst, I doubt not.

When this inevitable reform movement begins, we can
say that a step in the right direction has been taken.

The only way to get rid of an evil is by removing its
foundation.

There is plenty of room in Africa for the black
race.

I mention this fact for the good of society, and noth-
ing else.

Who doubts my sincerity in this particular may call on
me or write to me, and I will produce my authority for
saying that it isa common thing throughout the Southern
part of our country to see from one to an unlimited
number of unmarried negresses, in almost every village,
town, or settlement, raising up illegitimate offspring just
like cattle.

Just fancy from one to three females, with from one to
three whelps each, —I refuse to say children, —all living in
one house with some aged negress whom they call
‘“‘Granny,” and not a sign of a husband, nor even so
much as a contract marriage certificate, in the entire
kennel. The whelpage comprising all the different
shades between the greasy, shiny African black, and sun-
burned, malarial white, peculiar to the semi-acclimated
carpet-bagger.
310 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

“‘God’s children” (?).* BAH!

Here religion is dragged into the lowest depths and
“free dumps” of degradation and hideous mockery.
Fancy a negro ‘‘ preacher,” the father of a dozen or more
of illegitimate whelps, getting up and declaring that the
Lord has come down from heaven and commanded him
personally to preach the gospel. His hearers listen to
him with about the same degree of attention as that
which is usually bestowed by a herd of cattle upon a new
bellowing, fighting bullock.

At the conclusion of the ‘‘sermon”—which is usually
at night—the ‘‘brethren” and “sisters” proceed to ran-
sack all the barnyards, hen roosts, and watermelon and
potato patches in the vicinity.

And all this, bear in mind, gentle reader, having
developed itself since the Lincoln Emancipation Procla-
mation. When they were slaves they were certainly as
well housed and fed, by their owners, as is your horse.
Such debauchery as exists among them now never could
have developed when they were slaves, except in the
fanatical mind of the author of ‘‘ Uncle Tom’s Cabin,”
for then they had to work. Now that they are ‘ freed”’
they interpret freedom to mean license to steal from
white people—their former lawful owners. The bucks
think they have a license to assault and butcher every
white woman and child that they can catch unprotected.

How many of those fanatics who ask you and me to
admit the negro into our homes on a basis of “social
equality ” would like to have negro husbands or sons-in-
law?

That some Methodists may be found who could

* God never begot but one Son on this planet. That Son founded

The Church, but there were no negroes among his Apostles, nor is there
any evidence to prove that He ever regarded the negro as a human.
 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A TYPE OF THE PULPIT POLITICIAN.
Methodist Preacher I. J. Lansing, who, in order to get
his name in the papers, slandered the President of the
United States.
 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 313

stomach the African odor, I doubt not. My observations
of curious forms of unnatural depravity have been exten-
sive, and it takes a good deal to astonish me.

Talk about Fred Douglass and his great political
“pull”! Bah! The mere presence in the political
field of an ordinary man born out of wedlock ought to
be sufficient to disgust a decent person with ‘‘ modern
politics.”

What of itif Douglass did have ability totalk? Was he
the only eligible person in New York ?

Because he posed as the illegitimate evolution of a she
slave who formed an zntrigwe with some depraved white
wretch ; because he inherited brain from his mother’s
self-degraded paramour, and used it to a good advantage
to himself, among certain members of the white race who
possessed less common sense than he, is that any reason
why he should have been givena position in the diplo-
matic corps, and afterward ‘‘canonized”’?

That many of the world’s smart talkers, stubborn
fighters, and perfidious rulers were born out of wedlock is
true. That some of them accomplished historical feats
and extraordinary objects, no less so.

William the Conqueror was the illegitimate son, as
every schoolboy ought to know, of a wild Norman
prince, of the Collonna or Poniatowski class, very likely.
His mother was a poor peasant girl.

William conquered Britain, and then instituted the
Feudal System, which gave to the landlords, like Hunting-
ton, Sage, Gould, Vanderbilt, and Crocker, the ‘‘ honey-
moon ” privileges with all the brides among their tenants,
employees, and hired help.

But I fail to see that that is any reason why Douglass
should not be the patron saint of the Parvenucracy.
Canonize him. Put him up as a mulatto Jesus, and pray
314 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, Ok,

to him, you idiotic dudes and dudines ; build statues of
him to show that you consider marriage unnecessary and
the present marriage law a failure. Let the vulgar
‘¢new woman” mount her ‘‘wheel” and make pilgrim-
ages to ‘‘Saint Douglass’” tomb, to show that she ap-
proves of the manner in which he was begotten.

Brazilla, Miss., November 9, 1891. I left Jackson
on the 6.30 train this morning, and reached Fayette
about ten o’clock. Lunched at Mrs. Guilminot’s,
attended to some little business matters, and started up
the road for Tillman on the afternoon train.

While changing cars at Harriston I saw my uncle,
Mr. Calvin Chambliss, and his son-in-law, Mr. Willie C.
Starnes, standing in the depot. Of course they did not
recognize me until I told them who I was, for I had not
seen them in over ten years. I had only a few moments
at my disposal at Harriston before the train pulled out,
but in that time Uncle Calvin and Will took me over to
their house, a short distance away, to meet a houseful of
my cousins, whom I had never seen. Those were Cousin
Drucilla (Mrs. Starnes), Miss Drucy Starnes, Miss Callie
Starnes, Willie C. Starnes, Jr., and Lillie, the ‘‘ baby.”
While I was being interviewed by this happy family
Uncle Calvin decided to go up the road with me. Prom-
ising my pretty cousins to come back to see them soon,
I left in company with my uncle and arrived at Tillman
Station at about sunset.

My brother, Quitman, having heard, by some means or
other, that I was coming, was at the depot in his buggy
to meet me. The distance from Tillman up to Brazilla,
my mother’s old cotton plantation, is only two miles ;
just a nice walk for an appetizer. So we put Uncle
Calvin into the buggy, and Quitman and I walked on up.

During this half hour’s walk ‘‘Buddy” gave me an
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 315

outline of what had happened since I left home. When
we reached the house mother was standing in the door
waiting for us. How natural she looked, in her black
dress, with her almost snow-white hair, dressed in the
old time Southern fashion. The same sweet mother that
she always was. It was just before nightfall, and the
sight of my mother standing there, holding a little child
by the hand, reminded me of the days when I could not
get along without her. The pretty little tot is mother’s
favorite grandchild, brother Quitman’s daughter, and my
niece. Her name is Miss Nellie, but, on account of her
clear complexion and angelic appearance, mother calls
her ‘‘the doll baby.”

There are other nieces and nephews besides little
Nellie—both of my brothers, Alex and Quitman, and
also my only sister, Elizabeth, are married. They were
all single when I left this dear old home in 1883, but
many changes have taken place during the eight years
that I have been away. Six or seven years ago Quit-
man, the eldest son, led off in the matrimonial line by
marrying Miss Leanora Sharbrough, a daughter of the
late Rev. Mr. Sharbrough, whose name is as_ well-
known in Mississippi as the name of the State capital.
His son, the Rev. Maloki Sharbrough, is now the
presiding elder of some church in Ukiah, Cal. Sister
Elizabeth soon followed suit by marrying Mr. Frank W.
Sharbrough of Campbellsville, a brother of Leanora.
There are two or three in that branch of the family who
call me Uncle Will. One of those is a namesake,
William Chambliss Sharbrough. Brother Alex fell in
line only a short time ago. So now mother says that I
am the only single one left. She says she has seen
stories in the papers and heard rumors to the effect
that Iam not liable to remain single very much longer,
316 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

but I tell her that I am not well enough established in
business to settle down yet awhile. And besides this, I
am young enough to stand a few years more of ‘‘ single
blessedness,” and in the meantime I can gather a little
more experience with the world.

At home, Tuesday, November ro. I had a curious
dream last night, or rather this morning before I woke
up. I dreamed that I was transformed into a two-year
old boy again, and that mother was teaching me to talk.
Everything about the old home was exactly as I remem-
bered it twenty-two years ago. The ten-acre grove of
old oaks, tall hickories, picans, black gums, pines, elms,
beeches, and the cedars, live oaks, and other ever-
greens were all white with snow. Out around the barn
the cows were lowing, the horses neighing, and the hens
cackling; and away off in the fields I could hear the old
hounds barking, as if chasing a rabbit or a fox, with some
healthy voices of hunters following them. To all this
pleasant mixture of old familiar sounds the robins and
wax-wings in the trees around the house added their
early morning chirps, while they were having a fine
breakfast of frozen chinaberries and huckleberries.

‘“‘Missus say get up for breakfast,” said a healthy,
clear voice, with a strong colored accent. I woke up to
find that ‘‘ General,” the colored boy, had made up a fire
in my room before calling me. (Colored society is
peculiarly adapted to fill some positions about the house.)
He had placed my clothes and shoes before the fire to
warm, so that they would not freeze me when I jumped
into them. He had warm water and everything all
ready for me, for it had turned very cold during the
night. Everything was exactly as I had dreamed it
except myself.

All the different sounds that I had heard were realities.

?
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 317

It was just about sunrise, and everybody and everything
about the old farm were wide awake, except me. The
voice that I heard in the next room, teaching the child
to talk, was mother’s voice all right enough, but the child
was her little granddaughter, Nellie, who was just learn-
ing to say ‘* grandma.”’

After breakfast I put on my rubbers and took a stroll
around the place with my two brothers.

It was snowing just a little. Everything around the
old house looked as natural as it did when I was a small
boy. The barn, the stables, the cotton-houses, the corn-
houses, the garden, the orchard, and in fact the whole
place seems so familiar that it would not require much
stretching of imagination to fancy that I have only been
away a few weeks, when, in reality, I have been away
eight long years.

Wednesday, November 11. Had several invitations
from old friends for the evening. Dined with Senator
John McC. Martin at his beautiful home in Port Gibson.
Met a great many old friends, including the Mason
brothers, Captain Arch Jones, Charlie Wheelis, Hon.
Evon M. Barber, Dr. John W. Barber, Dr. W. D. Redus,
Mr. Wm. St. John Parker, Mr. J. W. Person, Mr. Austin
Wharton, Messrs. John and Charles Gordon, Messrs.
Bryon and Charles Levy, the Bernheimer brothers,
Tommy Nesmith, Mr. J. H. Danjean, Mr. Kaufman,
and others; spent the evening with Mr. William Morris
and family in Port Gibson. Mr. Morris has several
charming daughters, some of whom have grown up and
come out since I left home. Am the guest of my
cousins, Mr. and Mrs. John G. Hastings, while in
town.

Thursday, November 12. Received an invitation from
Dr, and Mrs. J. W. Davenport; called and spent the day
318 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

and dined with them. Miss Kate is just as pretty and
a little more charming than she ever was. Miss Ruth,
the eldest daughter, is to be married soon, and Miss
Lou, the youngest, is also engaged, but Miss Kate says
that she intends remaining single for a while.

Friday, 13th. Attended a charity entertainment in
Port Gibson, with my cousin, Miss Hastings. Met
representatives there of nearly all the old families of this
section,

Sunday, 15th. My twenty-sixth birthday. Will
remember the occasion for the rest of my life. My
mother had the whole family here to dinner, except
sister, who missed her train.

The dinner itself was one of those Southern home
dinners, which must be partaken of before any descrip-
tion that I could give would convey any reasonable idea
of what one is like. This one in particular was served
in the old home where I was born and raised.

Mother sat at the head of the very same old walnut
table that had been used in the family since she and
father commenced housekeeping. ‘The rest of us were
given the same places that we were accustomed to occupy
after we got big enough to sit at the table with company,
with the exception that my father’s chair, vacant since
December 31, 1879, was occupied by Quitman.

Sunday, 22d. Went to Cousin Mattie Wilkinson’s
birthday dinner party at the Old Chambliss Castle, as the
house is called on account of its ancient style of architec-
ture. This is the home of my grandfather, erected over
one hundred ago. Providence is the name of the planta-
tion, and it is justa mile from Tillman Station. If the
reader should ever happen to pass that way, and should
like to have a look at an original Southern home, I am
quite sure that my cousins, Mr. and Mrs. L. H. Wilkin-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 319

son, and their boys, John, Robert, Sam, and Len, would
be pleased to show him the old castle. Cousin Mattie’s
guests were the Misses Andrews of Flower Hill; Miss
Kate Futch of Raymond; Miss Rollins, Mr. Tommy
Rowan, her three big brothers, Mr. Sam Price, and
several others.
CHAPTER XXVI.

Harriston, Miss., Monday, November 23, 1891.
Went to Fayette with my mother to call upon Captain J.
J. Whitney and other relatives. We had a smash-up on
the way down from Tillman and narrowly escaped death.
The smoking car jumped off the track near Red Lick,
and nearly threw the rest of the train down from a high
embankment. All the passengers had to get into the
baggage car and on the tender, and go onto Harriston
in that way. Among the passengers on the train were
Miss Mary Calhoun and Mr. Bat. Wade. ‘This reminds
me of the time when this railroad was being built, and of
the rides that I frequently took with other smali boys on
the construction train and on the hand cars with the
section hands. The existence of the road from Natchez
to Jackson is due to the perseverance and untiring
energy of General William T. Martin of Natchez, aided
by a few friends. It was completed about ten years ago.
When I left here the town of Harriston was not thought
of. It is the junction of the Yazoo and Mississippi
Valley road and General Martin’s Natchez and Jackson
narrow gauge, about two miles from Fayette. Among
Harriston’s prominent citizens are H. M. Quin, T. M.
Carter, Dr. Campbell, W. G. and S. D. McNair, James
M. Lowe, and others.

Mother and I remained in Fayette all day. I had the
the pleasure of meeting many old friends in the quiet
little county seat of Jefferson County. Among those
were Captain Whitney, unquestionably one of the ablest

320
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 321

lawyers in the State; Doctors Truly and Caradine, Mr.
Campbell, Mr. F. H. Culley, Mrs. Guilminot, and several
others. Mrs. Guilminot has a very charming daughter,
Miss Nona Guilminot. She promises to become the
belle of Fayette.

Tuesday, 24th. Mrs. F. W. Sharbrough, my sister,
arrived here this morning from Campbellsville, véa Vicks-
burg, on her way up to Brazilla to visit mother. She
has little William, the namesake, with her.

Wednesday, 25th. Went to Port Gibson to visit our
cousins, the Hastings’.

Thursday, 26th. Attended the Thanksgiving services
and dinner in Port Gibson, and returned home with Quit-
man inthe afternoon. Got caught in a terrific rain storm
near Tillman, and reached home thoroughly drenched.
We were nearly killed by lightning during the storm. A
large oak within fifty feet of the buggy was knocked into
splinters right ahead of us. Those Mississippi thunder
and lightning storms and cyclones are dangerous things.
I have a distinct recollection of the manner in which they
used to stir things up when I lived here many years ago.

Saturday, 28th. Went hunting with Cousin Tommy
Rowan. Between us we bagged sixteen squirrels and a
number of birds, principally yellow hammers and sap sucks.

Monday, 30th. Dined with Mrs. Elizabeth Mont-
gomery, and her father, Colonel Pattison.

Mrs. Montgomery is the lady to whom I am indebted
for some of my earliest lessons in reading, writing, geog-
raphy and the other ordinary branches. I attended
her school at her home, Bannockburn Plantation, for
several years when I was a small boy ; and I considered it
an honor to be entertained by my first teacher, and talk over
the days when I used to compete for the head of the class
—but seldom got there—with Cousin Charlie B. Darden,
322 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Misses Cora and Clara Nesmith, Robert Mosley, Otis Ben-
brook, Early, and Tommy Nesmith, and several others.

Miss Clara and I generally managed to hold our
places at the other end of the class, while Charlie and
Miss Cora carried off all the medals and other prizes. I
always had an idea that Charlie and Miss Cora would
make a match, but Walter Wade came along and
captured his prize, and Charlie is still single. J am told,
however, that he goes down to Flower Hill quite often,
“¢ to see Dr. Davenport.”

One of the doctor’s pretty daughters is the attraction,
I think.

St. Charles Hotel, New Orleans, December 4, 18ogr.
Arrived here at 10 o’clock this morning. Came za Jack-
son and the Illinois Central Railroad. My visit to
Mississippi has affected me in a manner that is not easily
described. I was charmed beyond my fullest expecta-
tions to get back amid the scenes of my youth, but I
thought that I had been roaming around the world on
sea and land enough to get rid of every symptom of
homesickness. Iam now beginning to think that those
renewals of old friendships and acquaintances, those
family gatherings at the old home, those meetings with
relatives, some of whom are beautiful young ladies who
have grown up from mere children, and made their débuts
in the last eight or ten years, were more than I was pre-
pared for. When I left San Francisco five weeks ago, it
was with an intention to pay a visit to mother and my
relations, and then return to the service of the Pacific
Mail.* With that object in view I passed my examination
and got my certificate for first officer.

* This was long before Collis P. Huntington, the giant octopus, got to

be president of the Mail Company. Mr. George Gould was president
then, and he treated the officers like human beings at least.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 323

Now that I am going back to San Francisco I have
not the least desire to return to duty on board ship
again.

I have heard the assertion all my life, that a man who
has sailed on salt water for a few years cannot content
himself at any occupation on shore.

Now, that is utter nonsense—all bosh, to use the
proper term for such ridiculous ideas.

The originator of this absurd theory was, no doubt,
some poor, homeless sailor who had not a friend or a
family tie in the world, and knew not how to go out and
make friends.

Sailors are accused of having ‘a wife in every port,”
but that is utterly false, and I wish to deny it on behalf
of hundreds of my friends who go to sea for a living.
Sailors as a rule are not half as badas the dudes and
‘“‘gentlemen of leisure’? who have a much better chance
to be honest and decent. The sailor who goes on an
occasional spree, and gets drunk on beer, is called ‘‘a
drunken tar.” But the dude who gets drunk on
champagne, and makes a hog of himself among ladies, is
styled ‘‘a gentleman.”

There are very few sailors, however, who do not live
in hopes of being able some day to live on dry land like
other people, and build up homes for good wives whom
they expect to find among the beautiful girls they see
when they go uptown from their ships. The writer is no
exception to this rule.

Saturday, December 5. Left New Orleans on the
5 p. M. Southern Pacific Express for San Francisco.

Sunday, 6th. Breakfasted at Houston, Tex., and got
some dinner, such as it was, at San Antonio.

I hope the Southern Pacific, Railroad, Company will
eventually recognize the necessity of an improvement
324 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

in the eating accommodations along this line. It should
run dining cars like other railroads. The menu at the
meal stations along through Texas and Arizona consists
of whit-leather steak, overdue eggs, bad-smelling butter,
corn dodgers, and ‘ boot-leg”’ coffee. Itis the same at
every eating place, including the price, seventy-five a
meal.

The only redeeming feature along here in connection
with the railroad is the color line, which is drawn just a
trifle finer than in any other part of the South.

In all of the States south of Mason and Dixon’s Line
there are laws compelling the railroad companies to carry
separate passenger coaches for negroes, with signs on
them reading: ‘This car for negroes.”

This is done for sanitary purposes, as the African odor
is very unhealthful. In hot weather it is unbearable.*

In Texas the sign reads: ‘‘ This car for niggers.”

Crossing the Desert, Tuesday, 8th. After crossing the
Colorado River at Yuma we entered a barren, sandy
desert, which reminds me of the great desert of Egypt.
This is the Colorado Desert. In prehistoric times this
great basin was undoubtedly a part of the Gulf of Cali-
fornia. Scientific men have demonstrated this beyond
a question or doubt. Mr. W. S. Chapman of San Fran-
cisco has devoted a great deal of attention to the
Colorado Desert, and has spent considerable money
investigating the subject, in order to show the cause of

* The now defunct race of fanatics who made Mr. Lincoln believe
that the color of the African was ‘‘only skin deep” never offered any
satisfactory explanation of the sickening stench. This rank odor is
evidently in the flesh and blood of the negro, and not alone in the dye,
because it is noticeable in all cases where negro blood exists.

This proves that the infusion of white blood into the black race does
not improve the latter, but merely degrades the former.
 

MR. WILLIAM S. CHAPMAN.

“The great aim and desire of my life is to fluod the
Colorado Desert and relieve the surrounding country of
those destructive droughts.” —Chapman.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 327

its existence and point out a remedy for the evil that it
is doing the surrounding country for miles and miles on
all sides.

According to Mr. Chapman the desert is the cause of
the droughts in this region. Concerning its origin, Mr.
Chapman has written a long article from which I am
pleased to quote the following extracts :

‘‘The great Colorado Desert was, in prehistoric times,
a part of the Gulf of California. The Colorado and Gila
Rivers emptying into the gulf below Fort Yuma, carry
vast quantities of sand, which, being deposited in the
gulf, have been beaten back by the tides until an effectual
dam or barrier has been formed across the narrow part
of the gulf, entirely shutting out the water, and thus
leaving the upper portion—which is now the desert—
without connection with the ocean. There being no
supply of water from any source to counteract the waste
by evaporation, which is very great in that hot latitude,
this resulted in time in the extinction of this large portion
of the gulf.

“The large, dry basin is very deep. In many places
it is 270 feet below the level of the sea. This forms
what may be appropriately called a furnace. At times it
becomes so hot that to lay the hand upon the wagon-tire
or any metallic substance will almost instantly cause a
blister.

‘““When this basin or furnace, which contains about
four thousand square miles, was kept full of water, it sup-
plied moisture to the atmosphere by evaporation. The
cool waters from the ocean, brought in by the tides, con-
stantly gave out their refreshing moisture, and modified
the hot climate to an extent little thought of at the
present time.

‘Careful, intelligent observations will satisfy anyone
328 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

that the extinction of those cooling waters brought
destruction to vegetation all over Southern California,
Arizona, Nevada, and Utah.”

Mr. Chapman goes on to explain how the desert causes
the droughts.

Says the scientific gentleman: ‘‘Those desiccating
north winds which visit us, to the detriment and often
the ruin of our entire crops, are caused by this furnace.
That this fact may be the more readily comprehended,
let us imagine a fire covering four thousand square miles,
and kept continuously burning. The result can be only
this: An immense volume of heated air must ascend
rapidly. This hot air, rushing mainly in a northerly
direction, comes in contact with cold currents of air and
becomes compressed, not unlike a squeezed sponge.
This dry compressed air, or squeezed sponge, starts back,
expanding again as it rushes along on the surface of the
earth. As it expands it absorbs all the moisture from
the vegetation that it comes into contact with.”

Mr. Chapman is talking of two plans for refilling the
desert with water. Bothof his plans are good, and either
one, if carried out, would result in increasing the crops
and the value of many thousands of square miles of land
to the extent of many times the cost of the experiment.
One of Mr. Chapman’s plans is to cut a canal from the
Gulf of California and fill the hot basin with cool salt
water. The other plan is to dam up the Colorado River
at a point above Yuma, and turn that stream into the
desert, and fill the sandy furnace with fresh water.

I am personally acquainted with Mr. Chapman. His
daughter married Mr. Jesse Grant, son of the General.
I have conversed with several prominent Californians
with reference to Mr. Chapman’s plans, and they all seem
to favor the undertaking of one of them.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 329

No one with whom I have talked on the subject seems
to have any doubt as to the beneficial results which would
naturally follow the flooding of this basin.

Mr. Chapman and his friends are confronted, however,
with a gigantic opposition to their laudable undertaking,
viz.: The Southern Pacific Railroad.

To this, like everything else that anyone ever sug-
gested, or ever will suggest, for the benefit of California,
Messrs. Huntington, Crocker and Company object. And
they will back their objections with seventy millions of
dollars of the public’s coin that they (Huntington, Crocker
and Company) have defrauded the government out of.
They have a few miles of railroad track across the desert,
and, when Mr. Chapman turns in the water it will
necessitate the building of a few miles of trestle-bridge,
or the moving of a few miles of track, all of which the
government would gladly pay for. But Mr. Huntington
objects, and all of that region must suffer the conse-
quences, unless we overrule his objections. Take a look
into this enterprise, Mayor Sutro, and let us have your
valuable opinion on the subject. J am sure that the
Lxaminer will be on the side of the people and Mr. Chap-
man. The New York Herald and the I¥orld favor legiti-
mate improvements, also.

Possibly we might persuade ‘‘ King’ Huntington to
allow the United States Government to build some boats
to ferry his trains over the desert after it is turned intoa
lake. Huntington could then place his friend Captain
Searle in command of the inland fleet.

Palace Hotel, San Francisco, Wednesday, December 9.
Arrived here about nine o’clock this morning.

After the twenty-five hundred mile ride from New
Orleans, across the plantations of Louisiana, the plains
of Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona, the scorching desert
33° CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; Ok,

and the hot San Joaquin Valley of California, I think a
little rest is the next thing in order. During this long,
dusty, tiresome journey I endeavored to make up my
mind to give up my position in the Pacific Mail, and try
something else. Steamship travel is certainly more
agreeable than long trips by rail, but I should prefer be-
ing in some position that would not necessitate any travel-
ing either way, unless I felt disposed to take a little
pleasure trip.

There is nothing that I have seen during ten years of
travel that would suit me as well as a home of my own.

It is quite true that we see many things during our
travels which remind us of home, and make us wish
that we possessed homes that we could live in like the
rest of civilized mankind. But it seems to me that the
longer one roams around the world, and the more one
sees and thinks of what one should like to have, the further
away grows the vision of realized hope.

Tuesday, December 22, 1891. My leave of absence
expires to-day, and I will be expected to report for duty.
If I go to sea again, it will be three years before I will
be entitled to another furlough. I have been talking
with my friend, Mr. George H. Rice, with reference to
my intentions for the future. Mr. Rice, besides being a
representative of the class commonly called self-made
men, is a thorough gentleman. No matter how, when, or
where you find him, he is invariably the same. When he
speaks it is always with perfect frankness and truthful-
ness. And his actions, to the very minutest details, are
in perfect keeping with his words. Like his friend, Mr.
A. N. Towne, Mr. Rice came ofan excellent family. Both
of those gentlemen commenced life for themselves, after
reaching manhood, with a capital stock on hand consist-
ing chiefly of common sense and sufficient energy and
SOCIETY AS [T REALLY TS, 332

personal courage to live up to their convictions. To-day
Mr. Towne is a vice president of the railroad, and Mr.
Rice is traffic manager of the Pacific Mail S. S. Co. and
the Occidental and Oriental S. S. Co. The opinion of

 

 

 

 

 

A Type of the True Mother; or, the Highest Degree in Society.

the latter gentleman I deem valuable to me at the present
time.

When I told Mr. Rice that I did not wish to go to sea
any more, he advised me to think well before coming to a
definite decision.

In his frank way Mr. Rice said to me: ‘You have
332 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

been with us a long time now; you have certificates
entitling you to promotion, and you have a splendid
chance to become captain of one of the steamers in a few
years. Therefore, I would, if I were you, consider all of
these facts before giving up a certainty for an uncer-
tainty.”
CHAPTER XXVII.

Patace HorTeL, San Francisco, Friday, June 22, 1894.
It is now two years and six months since the conversation
with Mr. Rice, referred to in the preceding chapter.

Acting upon Mr. Rice’s friendly advice, I thought many
times over the prospects of returning to duty and spend-
ing several years more on the high seas. The result of
this thinking was this: Instead of returning to duty, I
resigned my position. And right glad am I zow that I
did resign.

Right here I wish to correct an erroneous impression
which some smart person has created concerning Captain
Searle. The story that the captain is an uncle of mine is
utter nonsense.

Captain Robert R. Searle ts not related to me at all.

I never heard of himin my life until I met him on board
the City of New York in 1887. He was captain of the
steamer, and I was a passenger.

After entering the Pacific Mail service I simply occu-
pied official positions under his command on board the
New York and the Peking.

On the strength of my naval certificates and private
recommendations I was appointed to those positions—
by the Pacific Mail Steamship Company—in precisely the
same way that all United States merchant naval officers
are appointed.

The captain is an Englishman by birth, so he says.
He has many friends all over the world, but no relatives.

The captain of a ship is always referred to by the rest

333
334 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

of the ship’s company as ‘‘the old man.’’ Someone
not conversant with nautical terms heard me speak of
Captain Searle as “the old man,” and concluded that he
was my uncle. I have, heretofore, regarded the
“nephew” theory and ‘‘adopted son” story as huge
jokes. It is only in this, my published diary, that I have
taken the trouble to dispel the delusion that I am ‘‘heir
to the captain’s handsome fortune.”’

That the captain asked me to become his adopted son
is true. That he told Mrs. Dr. W. F. McNutt, Mr. Lewis
Ernst Phillips, General and Mrs. T. B. Bunting, and a
few dozen other well known Californians that I was his
adopted son is also true. He seemed to have an idea
that because I was appointed by the Pacific Mail Co. to
fill an officer’s position on a ship that he happened to be
in command of, that he had a right to adopt me, —whether
I wanted to be adopted or not,—and make me give up my
dead father’s honorable name, and take the name of a
foreigner, a stranger of whose pedigree or past life I
knew nothing. I refused, politely of course, to be
adopted by him. He is a wealthy man, it is quite true,
but I do not believe in exchanging, for a few thousand
dollars, the name which has been handed down to me by
my ancestors.

I resigned my position in the Pacific Mail simply
because I did not care to go to sea in ships controlled by
C. P. Huntington, the arch-enemy to the best interest of
California, my favorite State.

At first the sky of my future prospects was overcast
and gloomy. Every line of business that I looked into
in San Francisco was dull. To use the expression of
prominent merchants, ‘‘Trade was dead.” Too much
competition for the local demand, coupled with Hunting-
ton’s high-handed railroad freight charges, and McKin-
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 335

ley’s Bunko Bill, had brought destruction to our com-
merce. Many of the largest firms were reducing their
staffs of employees by one-half, and cutting down the
salaries of the rest, in order to keep out of the receiver's
hands. Bright, intelligent men, capable of attending to
almost anything in the line of legitimate trade, were
standing around with their hands in their pockets, like
David Copperfield’s friend, Micawber, waiting for some-
thing to turn up. It did not take me very long to decide
that it would be a waste of time to look for a position
of any kind that I would care to fill under the circum-
stances.

During the following winter Mr. Rice informed me
several times that I could return to the Pacific Mail if I
wanted to. But I had had enough salt water sailing, in
an official capacity, to last me a long lifetime.

I undertook to start a new line of advertising here,
and made arrangements with the late Mr. Kreling to put
an advertising curtain in the Tivoli Opera House; but a
bum artist named Lee Lash, a member of the Bohemian
Club, and a supposed friend, whom I employed to make
a sample sketch of the Tivoli drop curtain to show the
merchants how the signs were to be placed on it,
appropriated the contract and the idea, together with
sixty dollars in cash. With the assistance of his father,
and his brother Sam, and their attorney, Edward Lande
of 405 California Street, Lee Lash developed the curtain
scheme on the stolen idea. He made a good deal of
money out of it, so I am told. I employed ‘‘ Lawyer”
W. M. Cannon to enjoin the Lashes from using the ideas,
and have Lee arrested for obtaining money under false
pretenses ; but the shyster compromised with the knaves
for the sixty dollars which Lee got from me. The shyster
then charged me half of the amount for giving Lash a
336 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY ; OR,

receipt that left him in undisputable possession of the
business.

This lesson taught me to steer clear of the society of
sheenies and shysters. Creations like the Lashes, claim-
ing to be Jews, are well calculated to get honest Jews a
bad name.

The chapter of the Lash history with which I am per-
sonally acquainted affords such a true picture of the real
character of the particular class to which he belongs that
it would be an injustice to my readers to omit a brief
mention of it. I see no reason in the world why I should
not give it to my readers; I certainly paid for it, and
paid dearly, too.

I met Mr. Lee Lash through some mutual acquaintances
in January, 1891. I shall not give the names of those
mutual acquaintances, for I esteem them very highly.
They have expressed to me their regrets for ever having
known Mr. Lash at all.

At the time of my first chance meeting with Lash, I
was an officer of the City of Peking, and Mr. Lash was
introduced to me as the ‘‘talented young artist” (?).
He had a studio in the back yard of his father’s house
upon Post Street, but subsequently he moved out and
set up in ‘‘business” in a little cottage at 2309 Bush
Street, near Steiner, and right close to a big Catholic
church.

In April, 1892, while I was confined to my room at
the Palace Hotel from the effects of a bullet of lead
which Dr. McNutt had extracted from my right leg,
some lady friends of mine called upon me one day,
bringing Lee Lash along to carry some flowers which
they had picked for me.

Mr. Lash, in the kindness of his heart, called again.
About this time, while waiting for my wounded leg to
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 337

get well, Mr. Charles Duryea Smith of New York called
in to talk over the proposition of going into business
in San Francisco, mentioning the advertising business.
Mr. Smith proposed to put advertisements on theater
drop curtains, a scheme which was well known to
everybody in New York and Paris. Mr. Smith said
that if I would go into business with him he would
secure a contract with Mr. Kreling to advertise on the
Tivoli drop curtain. He went off and made arrange-
ments with Kreling to that effect, and, while I was not
enthused with his wild ideas of vast wealth to be made in
that line, I agreed to go in with him as soon as I got
well enough to walk out. The young man seemed
highly pleased with the prospects, and left me on the
evening of April 19 in high spirits. That night there
was a violent earthquake which shook San Francisco
from cellar to garret. The shocks kept coming at
intervals for three days, and I think they shook my poor
friend Smith’s mind all to pieces, for he came in to see
me on the morning after the first shock, looking like
a ghost.

“(My God, William,” said the poor boy, ‘‘do you have
those things very often? If so, I will——’”

He did not finish his sentence, for just then a rumbling
sound, like an approaching freight train, caught his ear.
‘Great Heavens, it’s another earthquake!” said he.

Ina second the giant caravansary began to rock and
groan; windows rattled, doors flew open, and it looked
for a few seconds as if we were going into the bowels of
the earth.

General T. B. Bunting of Santa Cruz and Mr. M. G.
Coward, now of the Chicago Zimes-Herald, were in my
room at the time, and they will remember this circum-
stance:
338 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY» OR,

“‘Good-by, gentlemen,” said Mr. Smith, ‘I am going
to leave this rocky, shaky city.” So saying, he left the
room, and hurried away to his own apartments.

The next day the bell boy handed me a note reading
as follows:

PALACE HoTeEL, Thursday, April 21, 1892.
My Dear WILLIAM:

I am going home to-night. Would have gone last night, but could
not secure a sleeper. Will drop in later to tell you good-by. If you
wish to develop the curtain scheme go ahead and do so ; I must get out
of San Francisco.

Sincerely yours,
(Signed) Cuas. D. SMITH.

I waited in hopes of seeing Mr. Smith before he left.
I expected him to call, but he never came.

The next day, Friday, April 22, my young friend William
O. Warnock, a nephew of Mrs. Adam Forepaugh, of
circus fame, called at the Palace and took me out for
a drive, to give me a little fresh air. We drove down
toward San Bruno and called on some young lady
friends of ours living out in the country, the Misses
Nellie and Kate Dowling.

Miss Nellie ran down to the front gate to meet us.
Just then a boy came along crying out: ‘‘ Extra Report,
all about the suicide!” Miss Nellie got a copy of the
Report, and read: ‘‘Suicide at the Palace Hotel. Charles
D. Smith ends his earthly troubles, Failing to hear from
New York relatives, and becoming completely stranded,
he puts a bullet in his heart.”

The Report went on to explain that the poor fellow was
dunned for a week’s board bill by Cashier Charles Clark
of the hotel, and that having not the necessary funds
with which to pay, had ended his life rather than ask
anyone to help him out. Had he known Mr. Clark as
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 339

well as I do, he would not have bothered his head about
the propriety of asking that gentleman for a little time,
or even a small loan. Mr. Clark is a very obliging
cashier. I have had favors from him myself, which Iam
happy to mention in order to clear this good man of the
awful charge of having driven a guest of his hotel to
suicide.

Subsequently I learned something more about poor
Smith. He was the son of a wealthy New Yorker, who,
like a great many other unjust fathers, as well as would-
be adopted fathers,—like Captain R. R. Searle,—threw
barriers in the way of the young man’s matrimonial
inclinations. This sad case of young Smith, and other
similar cases, justify the assertion that I made in the
New York Aera/d, March 17, 1895: The parent or
guardian who prevents a grown son or daughter from
marrying is a worse enemy to society than a murderer,
for he murders the spirit of the Goddess of Love, the
highest redeeming spirit in mankind.

It was on the next morning after the news of Smith’s”
suicide that Lee Lash called. During the discussion of
the unfortunate affair I called Lash’s attention to the
fact that it was strange that Smith should have con-
sidered himself hopelessly stranded when he had sucha
good money-making scheme under way. I also men-
tioned to Mr. Lash the fact that I intended to let Smith
have some money with which to develop his scheme.
At the same time I handed Lash Mr. Smith’s letter.

Lash read the letter and then asked me all about the
scheme. I told him the facts. Ina minute Lash forgot
all about the pathetic side of the story,—the suicide of
the promoter of the scheme,—and began talking about
my going ahead with it where Smith ‘‘left off.”

“Why! see here, my dear friend, Smith has willed
34° CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

you his scheme,” said Lash. ‘‘I am an artist,’ continued
Mr. Lash, ‘and I can paint the signs on the curtain;
but you must remember that I am in a position which I
cannot risk by going into trade. Sign painting is trade,
you know, and I am an artist. But, since you are a
friend of mine, I will do this work for you.”

Mr. Lash seemed so enthusiastic, and was so persist-
ent, that finally I told him to go ahead and make me a
sketch of the Tivoli drop curtain, so that I could show it
to the merchants.

I gave Lash an idea of how many signs there should
be, and also how big the sketch should be.

“Good,” said Mr. Lash, ‘‘I will have it ready for
you intwenty-four hours.” So saying he took his depar-
ture, after having explained to me that he was ‘‘hard
up,” and did not propose to let his pride drive him to
suicide, as in Smith’s case.

“Would you let a man kill himself for a few paltry
dollars?” asked Mr. Lash. ‘‘All that I want is ten
dollars.”

He got him the ten, and went his way rejoicing.*

Mr. Lash did not complete the sketch in twenty-four
hours, nor in a week. He kept running down to the
Palace to tell me about some cigar signs or soap advertise-
ments that he had seen on curtains in the demi-monde
resorts of Paris where he had studied high art.

I humored him in his nonsense, and told him to get
me some sort of sketch finished, and improve it later.

William Warnock asked me one day what Lash was
doing around my room so much, and why he was in such

*T did not know at the time that Lee Lash was the same “‘ artist”
who begged permission to paint a picture of the ‘‘ Old People’s Home,”
and subsequently tried to make that charitable institution pay two thou-
sand dollars for his worthless daub.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 341

a confidential mood with me all the time. I told Mr.
Warnock the circumstances, and was somewhat surprised
at his saying that he would bet me a French dinner that
Lash was playing me some trick or other.

I took the bet, and subsequently paid for the dinner.

While keeping me waiting for the sketch, Mr. Lash
went quietly to Mr. Kreling and, representing himself as
the rightful owner of the scheme, secured a new contract
with that man on his own behalf. Then Mr. Lash wrote
to his father, who was in some fake wine business in New
Whatcom, Washington State, to hurry down to San
Francisco and bring Sam Lash, the younger brother, with
him.

On the roth of May Lee Lash made a demand on me
to pay him $50 for the sketch, which was still unfin-
ished. (An honest sign painter would have made the
sketch in a few hours for $2.50, frame and all.) Mr.
Lash then came right out and told me that if I did not
wish to pay so much for the sketch, I could let him have
a half interest in the enterprise. The talented artist
subsequently assured me that if I did not care to accept
either proposition, he would start an opposition business.

Seeing that I had confided my “inherited” ideas toa
false friend, having investigated the scheme and having
found that there was money in it, I paid ‘‘the talented
artist ” $50 more, making $60 in all, and took the sketch,
still only half finished.

In the meantime old Isador Lash and Sam had arrived
in the city.

I took the $2.50 sketch, which had cost me $60, to
Taber, the photographer, to have a copy made of it to
send to Washington to have copyrighted. But the three
Lashes, old man Isador, Lee, and Sam, got their heads
together at the office of Edward Lande, an ‘attorney’
342 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

of the Lash tribe, and together they went up to Mr.
Taber and raised such a piteous howl about my having
the sketch photographed, telling Mr. Taber that it was
theirs, that the gullible old photographer gave the sketch
to the little petty larceny Shylocks, who proceeded
immediately to develop the business with the money that
old Lash had made out of several well planned ‘‘ failures”
in trade.*

After Sam Lash had secured some orders for advertise-
ments, he and the old man and Lee opened up business
in the old Merchants’ Exchange building, and called it the
‘Art Advertising Co.”

The ‘‘ talented young artist ’’ abandoned his fastidious
idea that an artist should not soil his artistic hands in
vulgar trade, such as painting drop curtains. He of the
artistic ‘‘tastes” (I don’t mean Oscar Wilde’s tastes)
even got up on a scaffold to add some finishing touches
to a bicycle ‘‘ad.”

The artistic scaffold fell down and almost killed him.
Iam told that this accident crippled him in such a pecu-
liar way as to constitute an impediment to matrimonial
felicity.

But of that I know nothing, never having studied
surgery of that kind further than the lecture contained in
Deuteronomy xxiil.

The notoriety that I got through the papers over this
affair brought me before the public in such a way that
a great many other ‘‘business”’ men with schemes and

*New York, June 6, 1895. The subjects of the above biog-
raphy are carrying on the drop curtain advertising enterprise in this
city. Their office is at No. 25 West 30th Street. They have an office
in Diamond Street, Philadelphia, also. They call it the ‘‘ Lee Lash
Company,” or the ‘* Lee Lash Studios,” or some such Oscar Wilde name.
I can recommend the ‘‘ firm” from personal knowledge.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 343

ideas offered to let me go into partnership with them
and invest various sums of money, which they assured
me would ‘‘ double in a little while.”

One of the most promising of these schemes was laid
before me by one F. E. Westervelt, a friend of Mr. Edwin
Goeller of Pickens, Fulton & Co.’s Commercial Agency.
Mr. Westervelt’s scheme was for ceiling advertising, an
entirely new invention, especially designed for barber
shops. Mr. Westervelt declared that he had everything
necessary to open up business and develop his talents
with, except money. For fifteen hundred dollars he
would let me have a half interest in his business, and
guarantee me big profits. He was highly recommended
by Mr. Goeller, and when he informed me that my name
would not necessarily have to be used in the advertising
business, I decided to invest the fifteen hundred.

Westervelt started the business with a great flourish,
and succeeded in renting the ceilings of nearly all the
barber shops on the Pacific Coast. Agents were sent to
San José, Stockton, Sacramento, and many other interior
cities, while Mr. Westervelt contracted with the San
Francisco barbers in person, for the exclusive use of
their ceilings and walls.

This was all smooth sailing. But, after securing
thousands of gaudily papered ceilings for advertising
purposes, Mr. Westervelt suddenly discovered that the
experienced advertisers of the commercial world did not
care to invest in ceiling advertisements.

Upon making this startling discovery Mr. Westervelt
rushed up to the Palace Hotel with the heart-rending
news, ‘‘just received from home,” that his ‘‘ wife was
dying,’ and that he must sell out his interest in the Ceil-
ing Advertising Co. in order to get the necessary funds
with which to go on to New York to ‘‘attend the funeral,”
344 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

The fifteen hundred had already been paid out, together
with five hundred more; so there was nothing for me to
do but buy out Mr. Westervelt’s interest. The transfer
having been arranged at Mr. Goeller’s Commercial Agency
Office, I paid Mr. Westervelt what he wanted, and took
charge of the business myself, with the understanding that
Mr. Westervelt was to open up a branch office in the East,
and co-operate with me.

Mr. Westervelt left the same night on the east-bound
overland for New York, and has not written to either Mr.
Goeller or me since.

It took me just a little less than a week to discover
the cause of Mr. Westervelt’s sudden desire to go East
to attend his ‘‘wife’s funeral.” Then I paid off the agents
and offered the business for sale; but the Commercial
Agency could not find a purchaser, even with the aid of
Mr. Goeller’s personal influence, so I pocketed my ex-
perience and twenty-five hundred dollars’ worth of receipts
for money paid out in this enterprise, locked up the office,
turned the key over to the landlord, and retired from the
advertising business.

After several more adventures similar, financially, to
the above, Icame to the conclusion that Mr. Rice’s ad-
vice to think twice before launching out into the cold,
deceitful business world to battle with land sharks and
sheenies, was the best piece of advice that I ever had.

In the spring of ’93, shortly after the experience with
‘‘fruit-pickers”” mentioned in Chapter XIII, I took a
trip through Southern California, after which I went to
Honolulu on a visit.

Apropos of this visit to Honolulu, I sailed from San
Francisco on the White Star Steamship Oceanic, Captain
William Smith, on Tuesday, August 1, 1893.

On the 8th we arrived at Honolulu, where I put up at
SO CHET VerA Swell REALTY: LS. 345

the Hawaiian Hotel. Almost the first gentleman I met
there was Rear-Admiral J. S. Skerrett, U.S. Navy. I
had been introduced to the admiral by Lieutenant T. S.
Phelps, under highly favorable circumstances, at a large
naval reception given at Mare Island by the officers of
the U.S. S. AZohican, during the previous winter. The
renewal of this acquaintance at Honolulu, and what fol-
lows, marks one of the most pleasant episodes of fifteen

 

Steamship Oceanic, Wm. M. Smith, Commander. The Pacific Ocean
Liner with Cricket and Tennis Courts on board.

years of travel. Mr. Blount, the commissioner sent to
Hawaii by President Cleveland, left there on the day I
arrived, and Admiral Skerrett assumed full charge of all
the diplomatic affairs, pending Mr. Blount’s return to
Washington.

That these diplomatic affairs were in a pretty unsettled
state about the time they were turned over to Admiral
Skerrett, is shown by several indisputable, undeniable
facts in connection with the most disgraceful and cow-
ardly betrayal of public trust that those little islanders
ever had perpetrated upon them.

Having been in Honolulu many times before, having
346 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

known the Damon missionary tribe of boodlers, as well
as some reputable citizens of the place, having been in
close touch with some of the ringleaders of the boodle
‘Annexation Club,” and having lived in the hotel with
the admiral and his staff, Flag Lieutenant Chas. KE. Fox
and Lieutenant Downes L. Wilson, U. S. N., and also
Lieutenant Adams, Dr. F. J. D. Cordeiro, Paymaster
McDonald, and others, all of whom I knew in society and
with whom I conversed every day for more than a month,
Iam now prepared to write the truth.

For the mere sake of convenience I will state the truth
plainly :

The origin of the “ Provisional Government ” of Hono-
lulu, city only, had no immaculate conception, such as
its promoters would have had us believe.

It was neither conceived by a pure spirit, born of an
honest purpose, nor has it (up to the present time) suf-
fered for its Judasism.

When I speak of Judasism and of the so-called govern-
ment of Honolulu, Ido not mean the representatives of
the majority of the inhabitants of the Hawaiian group;
I simply mean Sanford B. Dole, President of the pitiable
little oligarchy of Honolulu; J. A. King, Minister of
the Interior ; S. M. Damon, ex-missionary, Minister of
Finance ; W. O. Smith, Attorney-General, and the follow-
ing flocks of classified mercenary birds of the ‘‘ Paradise
of the Pacific ”:

**ADVISORY(?) COUNCIL.

«W. C. Wilder, Vice President; Cecil Brown, John
Nott, F. W. McChesney, James F. Morgan, Ed. Suhr, J.
Mendonca, J. Emmeluth, andC. T. Rodgers. Secretaries.
Executive and Advisory Councils, E. D. Tenney, C. Bolte,
W. F. Allen, Henry Waterhouse, A. Young, F. M. Hatch.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 347

‘“SUPREME COURT (?).

“¢Hon.’ A. F. Judd, Chief Justice; ‘Hon.’ R. F.
Bickerton, First Associate Justice; ‘Hon.’ W. F. Frear,
Second Associate Justice ; Henry Smith, Chief Clerk ;
Fred Wundenburg, Deputy Clerk ; George Lucas, Second
Deputy Clerk ; J. Walter Jones, Stenographer.

“CIRCUIT JUDGES (?).

‘‘First Circuit: H. E. Cooper, W. A. Whiting, Oahu ;
Second Circuit: A. N. Keoikai; Third and Fourth Cir-
cuits: S. L. Austin; Fifth Circuit: J. Hardy. Offices
and Court Room in Government Building, King Street.
Sitting in Honolulu, first Monday in February, May,
August, and November. ;

‘DISTRICT COURT (?).

“Police Station Building, Merchant Street. William
Foster, Magistrate ; James Thompson, Clerk.

‘(DEPARTMENT OF FOREIGN AFFAIRS (?).

‘¢ Office in Government Building, King Street. His Ex-
cellency(?) Sanford B. Dole, Minister of Foreign Affairs ;
Geo. C. Potter, Chief Clerk; W. Horace Wright and
Ed. Stiles, Clerks.

‘(DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR (?).

‘‘Office in Government Building, King Street. His
Excellency(?) J. A. King, Minister of the Interior ; Chief
Clerk, John A. Hassinger ; Assistant Clerks, James H.
Boyd, M. K. Keohokalole (Keyhole), James Aholo,
Stephen Mahaulu, George C. Ross, Edward S. Boyd.
348 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,
‘‘CHIEFS OF BUREAUS, DEPARTMENT OF INTERIOR (?).

‘‘Surveyor-General, W. D. Alexander ; Superintendent
Public Works, W. E. Rowell; Superintendent Water
Works, Andrew Brown ; Inspector Electric Lights, John
Cassidy ; Registrar of Conveyances, T. G. Thrum;
Deputy Registrar and Road Supervisor, Honolulu, W. H.
Cummings ; Chief Engineer Fire Department, F. Hus-
tace ; Superintendent Insane Asylum, Dr. A. McWayne.
Office, Government Building, King Street.

‘‘BUREAU OF AGRICULTURE (?).

“President ex-officio, His Excellency (?) J. A. King,
Minister of the Interior ; Members: A. Jaeger, A. Her-
bert, and John Ena ; Commissioner of Agriculture and ex-
officio Secretary of the Board, Joseph Marsden.

‘“DEPARTMENT OF FINANCE (?).*

‘*Minister of Finance, His Excellency (?) S. M. Damon,
ex-missionary ; Auditor-General, George S. Ross; Regis-
trar of Accounts, Geo. E. Smithies; Clerk of Finance
Office, Carl Widemann ; Collector General of Customs,
J. B. Castle; Tax Assessor, Oahu, Jonathan Shaw:
Deputy Assessor, W. C. Weedon; Postmaster-General,
J. M. Oat.

‘“CUSTOMS BUREAU (?).

“Office, Custom House, Esplanade, Fort Street. Col-
lector-General, J. B. Castle; Deputy-Collector, F. B.
McStocker ; Harbormaster, Captain A. Fuller; Port Sur-
veyer, M. N. Sanders ; Storekeeper, Geo. Stratemeyer.

* Mr. Damon, the Minister, probably favors the free coinage of
silver at the ratio of 8 to 1, instead of 16 to 1.—(See pages 290 and 291.)
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TJS. 349
“(DEPARTMENT OF ATTORNEY-GENERAL (?).

‘“‘Office in Government Building, King Street. Attor-
ney-General, W. O. Smith; Deputy Attorney-General,
G. K. Wilder ; Clerk, J. M. Kea; Marshal, E. G. Hitch-
cock ; Deputy Marshal, Arthur M. Brown ; Jailor, Oahu
prison, Captain A. N. Tripp; Prison Physician, Dr. C. B,
Cooper.

‘‘BOARD OF IMMIGRATION (?).

‘‘Office, Department of Interior, Government Building,
King Street. President, His Excellency (?) J. A. King ;
Members of the Board of Immigration, Hon. J. B.
Atherton, Jas. B. Castle, James G. Spencer, Mark P.
Robinson ; Secretary, Wray Taylor.

‘BOARD OF HEALTH (?).

“ Office in grounds of Government Building, corner of
Mililani and Queen Streets. Members: Dr. Day, Dr.
Miner, Dr. Andrews, J. O. Carter, J. T. Waterhouse, Jr.,
John Ena, and Attorney-General Smith. President,
‘Hon.’ W. O. Smith; Secretary, Chas. Wilcox; Execu-
tive Officer, C. B. Reynolds; J. D. McVeigh, Agent
Board of Health; Inspector and Manager of Garbage
Service, L. L. La Pierre; Inspector, G. W. C. Jones;
Port Physician, Dr. Trousseau; Dispensary, Dr. H.
McGrew; Leper Settlement, Dr. R. K. Oliver.

‘“BOARD OF EDUCATION (?).

‘‘Office, Government Building, King Street. President,
‘Hon.’ C. R. Bishop; Secretary, W. James Smith; In-
spector of Schools, A. T. Atkinson.
350 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

“BOARD OF CROWN LAND COMMISSIONERS (?).

“J. A. King, Minister of the Interior; W. O. Smith,
Attorney-General, and C. P. Iaukea. Office in Judiciary
Building.”

The above lists are all copied from the so-called official
directory of the Hawaiian Government.
That Dole, Damon, and many others of the little

   

Mr. David K. Dowsett of Honolulu, God-son
of the late King, Kalakaua.
oligarchy are arch-traitors, is proved by the fact that they
had been favored by the legitimate government all along.
Posing as Christian missionaries they had amassed for-
tunes in business, Dole having become judge of the
Supreme Court.

Seeing that Queen Liliokalani had become disgusted
with their mercenary hypocrisy, and fearing that she
would weed out the corruptionists and put honest men
in office, these sweet-scented missionaries revolted.

Assisted by United States Minister Stevens, and the
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 351

man-of-war Boston, the missionaries soon vanquished the
queen’s army,—fifteen Kanaka soldiers,—and established
themselves in her house.

The total population of the entire group of islands is
about seventy-five thousand, or less than one-twentieth
that of New York city alone. Of this number there are
probably two thousand so-called Americans, including
haberdashers, grocers, quacks, shysters, saloon-keepers,
gamblers, renegade missionaries, bums, and loafers. The
fact that this handful of mercenary wretches succeeded
in attracting the attention of the entire American nation
goes to show that President Cleveland’s political enemies
took up the case of the missionaries merely because it
afforded an excuse for raising a row.

In speaking of the hypocrisy of the missionary usurpers
it would be impossible to exaggerate it. When the old
queen discovered their rascality and talked about replac-
ing them with honest citizens, the holy missionaries
accused her of trying to revive cannibalism,

The biggest mistake made by President Cleveland in
the whole affair was in not ordering Admiral Skerrett to
put the old queen back in her office.

Had Admiral Skerrett been so instructed by the presi-
dent he would have erased this vile stain from the Ameri-
can flag.

He would have undone the wrong, and given the world
the truth, if it had killed every Methodist missionary
hypocrite in Honolulu.
CHAPTER XXVIII.

On the 19th of September, 1893, I took passage on the
steamship Crna, at Honolulu, and went out to Japan,
where I remained until Christmas.

Apropos of this visit to Japan, I must not forget to
mention the ‘‘ American” Legation at Tokio.

The representative of the United States at the court
of the Mikado is a politician named Edwin Dun, whose
proper sphere in life is evidently among the class
generally found ‘‘ hanging around” the beer saloons of
New York and San Francisco aldermen and supervisors.

Just how this man got the appointment of United States
minister seems to be a profound mystery to everyone
except Mr. Cleveland and Mr. Thurman, who is said to
be Dun’s uncle or cousin or some near relation.

From time to time Mr. James Creelman and other war
correspondents have thrown out strong hints that Presi-
dent Cleveland should send some reputable American
citizen out there to fill Dun’s place.

Numerous complaints about Dun’s methods of ‘“ run-
ning the legation’’ have been sent to Washington City
by Americans visiting Japan, but owing to some mys-
terious reason, no notice seems to have been taken of the
facts which have been reported.

That the Japanese Government has not requested Dun’s
recall is probably due to the fact that Japan was involved
in trouble with Russia when Dun was sent out there, and
the Mikado did not care to strain Japan’s friendly relations
with the United States by asking for a decent minister.

352
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 353

Then the war with China came on, and Minister
Dun was permitted to remain as a necessary evil, to
preserve peace with Cleveland.

The better elements of Japanese society look upon
Dun as a person of low degree.

Judge Krizuka of the Supreme Court told me that he

 

Hon. H. Takeda, M. P. A Japanese Gentleman.

did not consider Dun a fit person to invite into his house.
Hon. H. Takeda and M. Kobiashi, two Japanese gentle-
men, corroborated the judge’s remarks, and declared
that Dun was the last person who should have been sent
to Japan as minister.

It is a well-known fact that he is ‘‘married” to a
Japanese woman.* Owing to this, he is not held in any
higher esteem by decent society out there than any man

* Those so-called marriages between white men and Japanese women
are unholy affairs, amounting to little more than verbal contracts made
for the convenience of the men during their stay in Japan. The men

live with the women and pay them so mucha month. Their offspring,
if they have any, are poor mongrels and good for nothing.
354 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

who is known to have married his mistress is held over
here.

Besides this, Dun is a heavy drinker, which naturally
renders him unfit to occupy a gentleman’s position. At
times he is uncivil to ladies and arrogant to gentlemen.
He is what I consider a coarse, vulgar man.

Dun’s Secretary of Legation, Joseph R. Herod, is
about as pitiable a specimen of the typical Anglomaniac
ass as I have ever had the misfortune to meet.

It seems very strange that President Cleveland cannot
find two gentlemen to send out to Japan to represent
the United States.

The idea that any vulgar upstart is good enough to
send out there is absurd.

Gambler E. V. Thorne and his disreputable associates
have an open sesame to Dun’s Legation, and they prob-
ably assist in ‘‘ running it.”

Thorne’s little Box of Curios is the only alleged Ameri-
can paper published out there, and such ‘‘ Americans”
as Dun and Herod use the filthy little sheet to defend
themselves in. It also comes in handy for purposes of
maligning anyone who dares to criticize their insolent
manner toward American citizens who sometimes find it
necessary, while traveling abroad, to call at the Legation
for passports.

This sweet-scented representative of tenderloindom,
Thorne, may be found around the Grand Hotel in Yoko-
hama almost any night, swindling unsuspecting tourists
and others out of any and every thing that he can get,
from the price of one of his lottery tickets on up.
Thorne and Conan attempted to beat the author of this
book out of some money, and failing, tried blackmail,
which also failed. S. G. Murphy, a San Francisco
banker of savory reputation,—especially among widows
 

 

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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 357

who deposit their incomes at the First National,—pre-
tended to believe the flimsy and utterly false stories of
the Yokohama ‘ fruit-pickers,” and corroborated their
tales just to get his name into the papers, and finally
denied having done so when I sent Mr. Von Lenthe to
him to explain the law of libel.

The following note from the young attorney, who is
well known, is self explanatory :

I4 SANSOME STREET,
SAN FRANCISCO, June g, 1894.
Mr. W. H. CHAMBLISS,
PaLAcE HoTeEL, City.

DEAR Sir: I have called upon Mr. Murphy, and he denies 77 toto
the statement he is said tohave made to Mr. F. E, Hunt of the
Chronicle. We was very nervous, however, and I am inclined to think
he was telling untruths. Trusting that his denial will satisfy you, I

remain,
Faithfully yours,

OTHO Von LENTHE,
Attorney and Counselor at Law.

I wish to warn the public against this Yokohama nest
of gamblers. They are E. V. Thorne, ‘ Fatty”
Williams, E. L. Conan, and ‘‘ Mermaid,” or Hog Davis,
who keeps a gambling house up on ‘‘The Bluff.” They
form a combination out there that rivals the Lawrence
House carpet-baggers of Jackson, Miss., and the 905
Sutter Street ‘‘fruit-pickers” of San Francisco. A
word of this kind is sufficient. Therefore, the reader
will bear in mind to steer clear of these loathsome
wretches.

Incidentally, any American citizen who recognizes
Dun and Herod outside of the Legation does so at the
risk of his own reputation.

In January, 1894, I returned from Japan, and in March,
April, and May I made a trip through the North, East,
358 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

and South, from which latter delightful trip I returned
less than a month ago.

At the present time (June 22, 1894) the sky of my
future prospects, which looked so dark and gloomy two
years and a half ago, is brightening up. ‘he sun has
‘broken through at last, and I am getting the benefit of
his light; the black clouds are disappearing and the
horizon is almost clear.

I can say truthfully that the future looks brighter than
it ever looked before. In other words, things in general
have taken a turn in my favor. I have more friends
now than I ever had before, and I appreciate them as no
man ever did appreciate his friends. Reading over the
pages of my diary, I find many things in my own hand-
writing which amuse me. Having inherited an unselfish
disposition from my parents, I never.could enjoy any-
thing by myself. Therefore, since the road is clear, 1
will let my friends have the benefit of my experiences,
that they may profit by my losses.

For many years I have been taking notes of the pecu-
liarities of various classes of society. These notes I
have kept in the form of a diary with dates, and names
of persons and places carefully recorded.

For some time past my friends in different parts of the
world have been advising me to publish the Diary in book
form. There isso much of it that it would be impossible
to get it all into one book, so I have decided for the pre-
sent to publish the part that relates to the Parvenucracy.

New York, May 22, 1895:

If any of my friends imagine that it is an easy thing to
write, revise, edit, correct, and illustrate a book in San
Francisco, they would do well to disabuse their minds of
that impression before starting out in the literary line.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TIS. 359

If anyone imagines that it is easy to get the truth
published about the alleged society,—the Parvenucracy
which has brought so much disgrace upon fair Cali-
fornia,—he makes a big mistake.

If any ambitious author imagines that he can trust to
the honor and honesty of San Francisco engravers and
printers whom he has paid liberally in advance for their
services, I wish to inform him that he is making a fatal
error, unless he has some perseverance and capital.

For the enlightenment of all who may wish to know
why I made the above statements I will give a brief sketch
of my own experience during the past four months, in
endeavoring to get this book with its illustrations before
the public.

After the announcement in the Mews Letter, and the
subsequent publication of a few dozen columns of extracts
in the Examiner, nearly every newspaper on the entire
Pacific Coast, as well as in San Francisco, mentioned the
fact that the book was soon to be published. The [Vasp
published some spicy cartoons on the subject, and the
Eastern and Southern papers took it up and informed
the world that the history of parvenu society, including
that of San Francisco, was about to be published in book
form, and that the book would be profusely illustrated.

Letters and bids from publishers, printers, artists, and
engravers began to come in from all sides. Many East-
ern publishers sent in their bids. Considering the fact
that California is my favorite State, and that it is for the
improvement of Pacific Coast society that I am publish-
ing the facts, experiences, and honest opinions herein set
forth, I decided to have everything in connection with
the illustrating and publishing done right in California.

To Miss Laura E. Foster of Alameda, the talented
young artist whose name I have placed on the title page,
360 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

I gave the contract for the painting of the pictures and
the drawing of the sketches.

I wish to say that Miss Foster performed her work
with entire satisfaction to me in every particular.

To George O. Watkins, manager of the Union Photo-
Engraving Co., of San Francisco, who called on me in
person and solicited the work of engraving, 1 gave the
contract for the making of the cuts, photo-engravings,
and half-tones to print the pictures with.

Mr. Watkins and the Union Photo-Engraving Com-
pany proved themselves to be dishonest, dishonorable,
and totally unworthy of confidence, credit, or trust.

They took my pictures to their work-shop, photo-
graphed them, made the cuts all ready for printing,
accepted my coin in payment for same, and then refused
to give me the cuts.

As if this were not enough to shame the lowest thief in
San Quentin, this set of ineffable knaves refused point-
blank to even deliver to me my original pictures, draw-
ings, and paintings, that I might take the same to an
honest engraving company and have other cuts made
from them. Incidentally they kept my money, and
would not return that until Judge Slack of the Superior
Court advised them in open court to compromise the case
with my attorneys. Here is the receipt in their own
handwriting, showing that they had the money as well as
the pictures.

SAN FRANCISCO, CAL., Sept. 24, 1894.

Received from W. H. Chambliss fifty dollars ($50) on account.

(Signed) Union PHOTO-ENGRAVING Co,
Per SAGE,

During the discussion between the knaves and myself
over their refusal to give up my property, one of the
knaves lost his temper and told me that the firm of H, S,.
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 363

Crocker & Co. had threatened to withdraw its trade from
the said knaves if they delivered the pictures. It appears
that some of the pictures looked too much like certain
vulgar snobs, ex-bootblacks, and other impostors who
pose on their ‘‘gall”; and those, headed by the Crocker
crowd, tried to suppress the pictures. Failing to scare
the author, they went with their little lackeys and
frightened the dishonest engraving company into hold-
ing the cuts for a consideration.

Of course I brought suit against the engraving com-
pany for the return of my property, and damages enough
to pay for the annoyance, additional expense, and loss of
time that their dishonorable work caused me. Foresee-
ing that it would be a long time before I could get my
property from the Union Photo-Engraving Co., I got
Miss Foster to duplicate all the original drawings, and
then had part of the cuts made by the San Francisco
Engraving Vo., and the rest by the //ustrated American
Publishing Co., New York. These companies acted
honorably with me, and took no notice of the upstarts
who were trying to suppress the work.

To Walter N. Brunt, a supposed reliable San Francisco
printer, I had given the contract for the printing and
binding.

Mr. Brunt turned out to be as unreliable and cowardly
as the Union Photo-Engraving Co.

Having paid Mr. Brunt the full amount in advance for
the printing of the first edition, I did not anticipate any
breach of contract with him, until the book was almost
ready to go to press. When I had succeeded in getting
the cuts made by the reliable engravers mentioned above,
Mr. Brunt refused to complete his contract for the print-
ing, unless I would expunge all reference to the Crocker,
Huntington, S. P. Railroad faction of the Parvenucracy.
364 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

Of course I refused to modify the text of the book, be-
cause I felt that it was my duty to the honest citizens of
California and elsewhere to give them the truth about
that particular crowd.

Seeing that Mr. Brunt had been bought off by the Par-
venucracy, I went to several other printers, and to my
surprise found that the entire printing industry of San
Francisco was practically controlled by the very frauds
that I am exposing.

No one doubted a word that I have in the book, but all
the printing firms were afraid of losing the patronage of
the Parvenucracy if they printed the truth about the
rottenness of its so-called society.

Determined not to be outdone by the enemies of decent
society, I took the train for New York in quest of an
honest printing house.

This book being devoted to the subject of society as it
really ts, and being intended to open the eyes of all good
citizens to the necessity of using great care lest they be
imposed upon and injured by certain animals and fiends
in human form, that I have mentioned, I, of course, could
not think of asking any of my friends to share the respon-
sibility of the plain English that I use. I have been
threatened with personal violence by the ‘‘fruit-pickers”’
for breaking up their gambling house, but that does not
disturb me a little bit.

The S. P. Railroad Company and its constituency,
which form the nucleus of the Parvenucracy, have threat-
ened me with all kinds of punishment for declaring that
they are vulgar upstarts. But that is an old game of
theirs which doesn’t work with the author of this book.

It is the author’s intention to write another book, later
on, in which no harsh language will be used. Snobs, up-
starts, vulgar pretenders, and all classes of Parvenucracy
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS, 365

will be treated with the silent contempt that they deserve
in a publication descriptive entirely of good form. The
author extends a general invitation to his friends, as well
as to all others who are in favor of improving society at
large, to send him a few lines nowand then on what really
is good form. It is good form for any reputable citizen to
call upon an author, even if he does not know him, if he
wishes to impart any valuable information. That the
author appreciates all verbal or written information, is
shown by the confidential manner in which a few thousand
letters and all previous calls of this kind have been
treated.

Society in any new city or community can always stand
alittle improvement. We will take San Francisco, for
instance. It has been asserted that there is no society
there at all, and no less a personage than Mrs. Charles
Webb Howard made the assertion. She never made a
greater mistake in her life. Perhaps Mrs. Howard wanted
to convey the idea that there is no good society in San
Francisco, and probably she was correct so far as her
personal knowledge and the doings of her own personal
acquaintances were concerned. But they are not every-
body.

Mr. Greenway declared that there were only 400
persons in San Francisco who were fit to go into good
society, and not one of the other 299,600 persons in the
city ever took the trouble to ask him who the chosen 4oo
were, for everyone knew that he meant the Huntington,
Crocker, Fair, Mackay, Sharon, O’Brien, Flood, de
Young cligue of S. P. Railroad Royalty, which holds that
a man who has not at least one mistress is not eligible to
society.

Although Mr. Greenway was 4oo heads nearer to the
truth than Mrs. Howard, the 400 that he had reference
366 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

to were the identical persons at whom Mrs. Howard
pointed her dart.

Had Mrs. Howard said what she meant, she would
have been applauded, instead of laughed at, by all the
other 299,600.

The leading society questions of the day are: II’ho is fit
Jor society 2 and Iho ts not?

In a general way these questions may be answered with
the true statement that all persons are fit for some kinds
of society. There is a vast river between the highest
and the lowest circles. This river is large enough to
float every living human being who comes within the radius
of any circle of society, except the extreme very lowest,
viz.: thosewho have been born outside of the bonds of wedlock.

Like a dead fish swept through the crevasse on the other
side of the great river opposite to the high, rocky hills on
which stands the child of honor, the illegitimate heir
should be banished from the society of all mankind,
—except the promoters of his existence,—who should
be swept through the yawning gap, to remain and
keep company with the result of their unnatural work,
until the vultures shall have claimed their own, and
relieved this beautiful world of the disgrace and the blot
that has been perpetrated upon civilization.

Members of other circles are not safe while the tainted
promoters of the lowest order are permitted to run at
large and unrebuked. Ee

Anyone is liable to contract a diseasé that ’i is ‘contagious,
Almost anyone is liable to be swept through the break
in the “zee in company with the offender; but no one
should ever be permitted to paddle over in the direction
of the safe side after he has once been thrown out of the
main stream with the refuse and débris for such a crime
against society and decency.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 367

The male portion of mankind ts to blame for all of those
stains and illegitimate blots on the face of soctety.

Any man who attributes it to ‘‘woman’s weakness ”’ is
a coward and a falsifier, and unworthy of notice.

Man, being the stronger of the two sexes, and knowing
it, is the chief cause of all the shame to which the weaker
sex has ever had to submit. Take any so-called massage
artist, or any other bad woman, and trace back her history,
and it will be found that her downfall was caused by
some unfaithful lover, drunken, brutal husband, tyran-
nical father, or some unnatural old hag who was herself
the result of man’s perfidy.

Now, we will look into a few facts and figures and
think up a plan for the improvement of the circles,
between the highest and the lowest. The former is all
right and the latter is beyond redemption; but the other
circles are made of good material.

A few remarks might do more good than the average
person would ordinarily suppose.

Let us take common sense as a foundation.

Say that San Francisco has a total population of 300,000
persons.

If we could gather together all the murderers, robbers,
burglars, thieves, pickpockets, sheenies, professional
gamblers, fruit-pickers, bunko-steerers, bums, tramps,
toughs, hoodlums, common drunks, quacks, shysters,
saloon-keepers, massage artists, fake society reporters,
Chinese, Indians, niggers, mulattoes, octoroons, anarch-
ists, street-corner orators, political bosses, dishonest
officer-holders, ballot-box stuffers, and all other objection-
able pests in the city, they would amount to about 100,000
two-legged animals resembling in outward appearances
human beings.

Substract this 100,000 from the total population, export
368 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

the vile mass of corruption to Hawaii, and we will have
a beautiful city with a legitimate population of 200,000
respectable citizens eligible to admission into the homes
of each other on a basis of comparative equality and socia-
bility.

Careful intelligent observations show conclusively that
the same rule would be applicable to almost all cities
where liquor is sold by the drink, if you base your esti-
mate on a pro rata of population.

Mr. J. Waldere Kirk of New York, a friend of the
author, asks the following questions:

‘“‘What are your remaining 200,000 peaceable citizens
going to do with the late 4oo members of the self-styled
only polite society ?”

Nothing at all, friend Kirk. It was found that when
the water ran to its proper level the little ‘‘4o0” were
absorbed in the 100,o00 who got exported. The last
one found his proper sphere under the head of classified
pests.

‘“¢What became of the navy and army ?”

Oh, the navy is all right. As I told you before, the
navy people are gentlemen as a rule. The shipping
committee created a few vacancies: Captain Gridley,
“Bucko” Elliott, ‘‘ Missionary”? Wadham, ‘‘ Hoofen-
skoofen,” ‘‘Humpty Dumpty,” Quack-Nut Ruhm,
Heatherington, Dellyhanty, ‘‘Shorty” Evins, O’Brien,
Fool Rogers, Henry Hudson, and a few other ‘‘spare
articles,” the loss of which is a great help to the social
standing of the service.

With reference to thearmy, I am afraid that the division
stationed at the Presidio will have to be recruited again
before it will be visible to the naked eye.

The officers would mix up with the Parvenucracy of
Pacific Heights and the Pacific Union Poker Club and
 

MR. JAMES WALDERE KIRK,
The King of Swell Dressers.

“A real gentleman never forgets that proper behavior

and courtesy always add to the appearance of faultless at-

tire.” —Kirk.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS. 371

the bum Bohemians, where they became thoroughly
demoralized. But the navy boys had better sense.

The unmistakable genuineness of the storm-beaten
veterans of the maritime division of our fighting forces,
when placed side by side with the pitiful conceit of the
brass-bound figureheads who appealed to the public to
decide which arm a colonel should carry his overcoat on
when he went calling, presented such a contrast that the
deporting committee took charge of everything at the
Presidio except the ordnance stores.

A certain Presidio officer in uniform at a respectable
social gathering reminds one of a professional peacock
procured to pose as a plaything for pretty little girls.
And I don’t mean ‘‘ General” Graham, Lieutenant Davis,
or Lieutenant Winston, either.

If the story that this officer receives a good deal of
attention from females is true, it can be readily accounted
for by the fact that ‘‘ xew” women are not as particular
about how they bestow their affections as /adies are.

No one has a higher regard for female virtue than the
mariners, and the reverse is true of some ‘‘soldiers,”
who appear to have a penchant for the wives of sailors,
especially bleached blondes who live in hotels.

The mariner’s respect for woman is based on the fact
that she is all that he has to look forward to upon his
return to port.

The soldier, whose life in times of peace and pros-
perity is spent in strutting around to the music of a brass
band, to be admired by little girls and guyed by small
boys, for which he vents his spleen on all who are so
unfortunate as to be subject to his orders, is the very
worst enemy to the peace and happiness of the absent
sailor.

Ladies, don’t be deceived by the uniformed ‘‘ heroes ”’
372 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

whose smell of powder has been derived from the puffs
that painted females use to embellish their wrinkled
complexions with.

The Wounded Knee affair was an eye-opener for
women who confided in those pretty birds.

**How about S. G. Murphy, President of First Irishonal
Bank?” asks Mr. Clark Traphagan.*

Oh! he got shipped off with the first lot. You see he
undertook to show that it was good form to invite a
citizen to draw his money out of the ‘‘Sheeny Bank”
and put it into the First Irishonal. He afterward failed
to keep an agreement to notify the citizen of the arrival
of a draft for one hundred dollars that was in dispute.
During his spiteful efforts to discredit the citizen by mis-
representing him to newspaper reporters, the banker
appropriated to his own use about eight thousand dollars
of Mrs. Colton’s money that was on deposit at the
bank. He never was in the ‘‘ Four Hundred,” but of
course the dumping committee took charge of that
fellow.

“‘ How about W. B. Cooke?”

Well, he didn’t belong to the ‘ Four Hundred,” either,
but he went with the classified fake society reporters and
hangers-on, who hang around the saloons all the time.
You see he held that it was good form to go to a dinner
party in an intoxicated condition, and take his six foot
five inch shadow, G. S. Mearns, along with him, when
Mearns, who was also drunk, was not invited. The
dumping gang scooped those two in along with Nose-
grave, Hume, Bartlett, and a whole lot of other scav-
engers of that ilk.

*I met Mr, Traphagen first at Monterey, Cal., in January, 1892. In

May, 1895, I had the pleasure of renewing his acquaintance, and visiting
him at his home in Fordham, New York.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 373

“Thank Heaven for that!” says Mr. Traphagen.

“Now tell us something about the 200,o00 remaining
citizens.”

Certainly, with pleasure: they are all right, and as
soon as they realize that they are entirely free from the
daily annoyances of the 100,000 public nuisances they
will be very happy.

Now we will get down to a common sense basis and
speak of San Francisco’s real social system as an example
that older cities might do well to follow, up to date.
Supposing the 100,000 public nuisances to have been duly
exported, there certainly must be among the 200,000 law-
abiding citizens at least 25,000 young people who are
fond of dancing. In order that all of those young ladies
and gentlemen may go to parties, and dance and havea
good time once in a while, there should be 100 regularly
organized clubs of 250 members each. Each member of
each club should know and feel that he or she is just as
good as any person in any of the other 9g clubs, and
not one bit better. This feeling of patriotism should
be thoroughly understood by all, but at the same time,
it should not be flaunted too promiscuously. There
should be no jealousy or rivalry, but on the contrary,
all the clubs should harmonize.

It would be the easiest thing in the world for those
25,000 young persons to organize themselves into 100
clubs. There are several nice dancing clubs in San
Francisco already. For examples, permit me to mention
the L£ytre Nous (pronounced ahn-tray-noo) Cotillion;
The Assembly Club; The Cotillion Club; The Club
400, and a new organization conducted under the cheer-
ful name of ‘‘The Progressive Club.” Then there is a
new club just called the ‘‘ Dancing Club,” which I hear is
a nice, quiet organization. It meets at the Palace Hotel.
CHAPTER XXIX.

CONCERNING the personnel of San Francisco’s polite or-
ganizations, the Autre Nous Cotillion is conducted on a
basis which has for its chief object the mutual pleasure

and improvement of its members.

It is, practically

speaking, an up-to-date cotillion club.

That this club values its private individuality and fam-
ily sociability more than it does the flattering praises of
journalistic and literary admirers, is shown by the names
of its members, who are of the good old reliable home-
loving class which favors the advancement of real respect-
ability, the foundation of polite society.

The following is a list of the Ave Movs’ members :

Miss Alice M. Butler,

Miss Grace E. Bertz,

Miss Sarah E. Boyle,

Miss Clara Byington,

Miss Kate L. Byington,
Miss Sarah Bluxome,

Miss E. E. Cudworth,
Miss Mabelle Gilman,

Miss Nelye J. Giusti,

Miss Sadie E. Gould,

Miss Charlotte Gruenhagen,
Miss Albertia Gruenhagen,
Miss Emilie Herzer,

Miss Beatrice E. Hughes,
Miss Mae Hoesch,

Miss Marie Ibarra,

374

Miss Josephine E. Jourden,
Miss Elena King,

Miss Ala Keenan,

Miss Kate Kerrigan,
Mrs. Geo. F. Kincaid,
Miss Cassie Lampe,
Miss Jessie B. Lyon,
Miss Minnie Ludlow,
Miss Lotta Musto,

Miss Nella McCormick,
Miss Mattie McCormick,
Miss Julia Nevella,

Mrs. Geo. S. Nevin,
Miss Edna O’Brien,
Miss Nancy Place,

Miss Lida Platt,
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SOCIETY AS IT REALLY ITS.

Mrs. Frank L. Platt,
Miss Maude Rice,

Miss Camilla Redmond,
Miss Marie Sabatie,
Miss Kate L. Stanton,
Mrs. M. M. Stewart,
Miss Amy Teresi,

THE GENTLEMEN

Alexander, Wallace,
Adams, George W.,
Anthes, Frank F.,
Austin, Lynn,
Bigelow, J. Edward,
Byington, Lewis F.,
Burns, Dr. John B.,
Bryant, Dr. E. R.,
Carrera, Edward G.,
Clement, Dr. Herbert,
Desmond, John H.,
Frazer, Dr. T. J.,
Fyfe, Ormiston B.,
Graham, George D.,
Gantner, J. Oscar,
Herzer, Herman H.,
Haight, Robert F.,
Hoag, O. H., Jr.,
Kelly, William,
Kase, Thomas K.,
Kerrigan, Frank H.,
Kincaid, George F.,
Lawton, Dr. Wm. P.,
Lovey, Louis W.,
Lyon, Walter S.,

377

Miss Goldie Tobelmann,
Miss Jessie Taggart,
Miss Emma Umbsen,
Miss Eva Worth,

Miss Aimee Woodworth,
Miss Dollie Whelan,
Miss Leah S. Young.

MEMBERS ARE:

Ludlow, James T.,

Lee, Eugene,

Mau, Arther H.,

Musto, Clarence,
Meussdorffer, Arthur H.,
Nunan, Robert G.,
Naylor, Arthur D.,
Nevin, George S.,
Nougues, Chas. J.,
Peters, Fred W.,
Phillips, L. Ernest,
Pixley, Will L.,
Platt, Dr. Frank L.
Parks, Fred H.,
Robbins, James C.,
Roussy, Gaston,
Rigg, George A.,
Ross, T. Patterson,
Saxe, Harry A.,
Spalding, Chas. W.,
Umbsen, Henry P.,
Vogel, Edward J.,
Woolsey, Dr. Mark H.,
Wise, Dave W.,
Whitley, Henry A,

=
378 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

The directors are Mr. Sanford G. Lewald, Mr. Robert
F. Haight, Mr. Charles W. Spalding, and Mr. O. B.
Fyfe. To these young gentleman the club is largely in-
debted for its distinction of being the best organized
cotillion in California.

The club which gives parties under the name of ‘‘ The
N.S. L. K. 10,’ is composed of active members of the
Entre Nous.

The Assembly Club differs from the Entre Nous cotil-
lion in that its membership is limited exclusively to the
male sex. The gentlemen argue that this allows them
the privilege of taking as many ladies to the dances as
they can provide carriage accommodations and partners
for; and it also facilitates the bringing out of débwfantes,
who were quite numerous at their last two functions
which I had the pleasure of attending in the winter of ’95.

The Assembly Club is composed of the following gen-
tlemen:

EXECUTIVE COMMITTEE.

Mr. D. B. Crane, Mr. E. D. Conolley, Mr. E. C. Deni-
gan, Mr. C. C. Moore, Mr. H. W. Spalding.

MEMBERS.
Bostwick, H. R., Elliot, W. E.,
Briggs, A. A., Greenlee, F. S.,
Brown, J. A., Hecker, J. G.,
Castelazo, Arthur, Hoag, O. A., Jr.,
Christie, J. A., Hockett, E.,
Conolley, E. D., Lang, A.,
Cook, F. R., Martin, F. M.,
Crane, D. B., Melrose, C. K.,
Day, H. L., Moore, C. C.,

Denigan, E. C., Newman, G. H.

3
 

MR. CHARLES EDWARD BLAIR,
Of Pennsylvania.

A type of the American Gentleman in private life.
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY JS. 331

Parsons, J. A., Sprague, P. T.,
Rigg, G. A., Stevens, J. W.,
Robinson, N. A., Sturdivant, B. B.,
Rue, H. R., Thornton, A. C.,
Runyon, F. W., Toepke, W. H.,
Schlingheyde, C. E., Watters, T. C.,
Spalding, H. W., Willis, Edward.

The Club ‘‘ 400” was evidently christened under that
name in a spirit of sarcastic humor, for there is nothing
about the membership to indicate any symptoms of the
pitiable, bombastic ludicrousness which is so abundant in
another so-called ‘‘ four hundred” in which social stand-
ing is based on the pay-as-you-enter system.

The directors of the common sense Club “‘ 400” are:
O. A. Harker, V. E. Matthews, J. Proctor Whitney, C.
L. Mitchell, Lancelot H. Smith, E. P. Hulme, and C. E.
L. Hildebrecht.

The Cotillion Club, which gave the Charity Ball at
the Palace Hotel in January, 1895, was organized by
Dr. J. F. Twist, assisted by Mr. B. Frank Priest and
Dr. H. B. Soltan. These gentlemen deserve great
credit for the manner in which they work to get up cotil-
lions merely to facilitate the innocent pleasure that young
ladies and gentlemen find in well conducted dancing
parties.

Who says that such parties are not beneficial to polite
society echoes sentiments which savor strongly of
ignorance, jealousy, vindictiveness, or fanaticism, or all.

Preachers who denounce dancing and the little inno-
cent amusement that it affords are just as much in error
as infidels who denounce Christianity.

Those who took active parts in the arrangements of the
cotillions of this club last winter were: Dr. J. F. Twist,
382 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

Mr. Eugene A. Mantell, Mr. B. Frank Priest, Dr. H. B.
Soltan, Mr. W. E. Jackson, Mr. J. A. Christie, Mr. Will
E. Fisher, Mr. J. T. Ludlow, Dr. R. L. Sutherland, Mr.
J. C. Bateman, Mr. M. C. Bateman, Dr. G. S. Backman,
Mr. C. T. Ryland, Jr., Lieutenant Frank A. Brooks,
Lieutenant T. S. Phelps, Jr., Mr. E. N. Atwood, .Mr.
Charles W. Spalding, Mr. J. S. Hawkins, Mr. Charles
Hilton, Mr. W. T. Baggett, Dr. T. A. Rotanzi, Mr.
Frank E. Webb, Mr. H. B. Holmgren, Dr. W. P. Agnews,
Hon. H. E. Highton, Mr. J. Shucking.

That the above mentioned gentlemen and all the rest
of the club ave far above anything like petty, social jeal-
ousy is shown by the fact that they extend invitations
to the leading members of all the respectable cotillion
clubs in the city to participate in their functions.

That this newly aroused sentiment of sociability is
appreciated is shown by the fact that there were more
dances last winter participated in by representatives of
all the different clubs—which are clubs at all—than ever
before known in the city.

This is the true spirit. All the nice clubs should
always be on friendly terms. When honored citizens such
as the president, or the great admirals or generals, visit
you, give them receptions that they should remember as
a credit to the social system of the city or community.

One feature of the dancing party which is growing
more and more conspicuous by its absence is the irre-
pressible fake society reporter.

The managers of cotillion parties have found it not
only advisable, but necessary to the comfort and pleasure
of dancers, to suppress those news scavengers, as Tom
Flynn of the [asp calls them. They are not journalists
at all, and it is the hope of all real journalists that the
present generation will live to see the extermination of all
SOCLZENGAS LT ARE AEE VATS, 383

such poor, puny, pitiable, persistent parasites as W. B.
Cooke, J. O'Hara Nosegrave, Hugh Hume, Little Birdie
Irving, Charlie Nosegrave, E. M. Greenway, and all of
that worse than useless tribe of professional toadies.
Not one of those toadies is above receiving ‘‘tips” for
special mentions.

There are some organizations which are rarely men-

 

An Honest Lawyer.

tioned in the ‘‘society columns”’ contributed to by the
fakirs or scavenger reporters. Among those may be
mentioned the Western Addition Literary Club; the
Native Sons of Vermont, and the various parlors of the
Native Sons and Daughters of the Golden West. Nearly
all of those organizations give monthly dances or enter-
tainments of some kind; often for charitable purposes,
but never to assist in the facilitation of society column
snobbery. They leave that to the non-producing ele-
ment—the Parvenucracy.

Then there are several little dancing clubs conducted
on the fifty cent admission or “hat check” basis, and
384 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

devoted to the interests of good citizens who do not feel
able to subscribe to the five or ten dollar cotillions.
Nevertheless, those dances seem to be enjoyed by their
participants, even if they are less pretentious than the
frequenters of Santa Cruz, San José, Del Monte, San
Mateo, Castle Crags, and Coronado.

Because a person happens.to be poor, that is no reason
why he should be denied the privilege of dancing, pro-
vided he does not step all over people and bump into
everybody, and walk on ladies’ dresses. There is no
excuse for such conduct ina man who has social aspira-
tions. Such social impediments may be overcome at Mr.
W. W. Anderson’s dancing academy, and also at Mr.
Lunt’s. Any man who wants to do right should be
encouraged rather than abused.

And then again I see no reason why a man should be
looked down upon by soulless society leaders simply
because he did not marry a lady member of one of the
cotillion clubs.

Everyone is not fortunate enough to get a belle of the
Entre Nous, by any means, because there are not enough
to go around.

What of it if.a big millionaire member of the Parvenu-
cracy did see fit to retain the unpretentious girl that he
married before he got rich? It is nobody’s business but
his own; and why is it that they always ridicule a fellow
like that for marrying the only girl who would have him?
I mean Mr. Con. O’Connor. I heard so many unkind
remarks about this gentleman that I actually felt sorry
for him, and went and looked up some references to
defend him with.

I found that his enemies had a very strong case against
him, and that they based their opinions on facts,
Although facts are hard to overcome, I propose to show
 

MR. EUGENE A. MANTELL,
The popular and talented young designer.

One of the best-dressed real gentlemen in America,
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 387

by those very facts, which his enemies have been prod-
ding him in the neck with, that he (Mr. O’Connor) is
civilized, or at least that he was civilized when he got
married. Here is what Owen Meredith has to say ona
similar subject :

“«We may live without poetry, music, and art ;
We may live without conscience, and live without heart ;
We may live without friends, and live without books ;
But civilized man cannot live without cooks.”’

I would advise all of those heartless creatures who
criticise Mr. O’Connor's ‘‘domestic”’ affairs to paste a
copy of the above in their hats, and leave the gentleman
alone. What would you have him do, anyway? Would
you have him eat his food raw?

You lucky rascals who marry stylish belles of the
Assembly, the Entre Nous, the ‘‘400,” or the Cotillion
Club, should give Mr. O’Connor a chance to breathe, if
nothing more. In my social observations I have come to
regard unjust criticisms of the kind bestowed upon Mr.
O’Connor in the light of poisoning your house rats:
You kill the rats, ’tis true, but you raise a deuced foul
odor. a

Concerning the-very latest and most approved methods
for organizing cotillion clubs, the most successful organ-
izers are the least pretentious. They say that it is no
trouble at all to get up a subscription party or ball, pro-
vided you go about it properly.

Every young lady who goes into society at all must
have some friends.

Almost any ten young ladies, assisted by ten young
gentlemen to do the heavy work, can organize a club in
any law-respecting community where they have any stand-
ing. All that they have to do is simply to form their
388 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

committees and circulate the report that a dancing club
is being organized, and the members will come in fast
enough if they are invited. But you must not freeze them
out by making the subscription too high.

High priced affairs are all right for the Parvenucracy :
gamblers, saloon keepers, and railroad octopuses make
their money easily, and can afford to pay their leader
large commissions, but decent people cannot.

For further information on this subject consult any
respectable cotillion leader who has sense enough to
know that you can’t get all the nice dancing people ina
big city into one dance hall.

Good San Francisco authorities to consult are Mr.
Eugene A. Mantell, Mr. Robert F. Haight, Mr. Sanford
G. Lewald, Mr. Charles W. Spalding, Mr. James B.
Stokes, Mr. Edward G. Carrera, Mr. James A. Christie,
Mr. Harvy B. Holmgren, Mr. B. Frank Priest, and Mr.
Hall McAllister, a nephew of the late Ward McAllister.

Apropos of Mr. Ward McAllister, I believe that he had
the misfortune to have been misunderstood by the public
at large. In organizing his ‘‘Four Hundred” he evi-
dently limited its membership to correspond with the
dancing capacity of his favorite ballroom.

That he desired to set a good example for other ambi-
tious leaders to follow was natural toa jolly good-natured
man like Ward. That the public declined to fall into his
way of thinking was also quite natural, as well as proper.

The better elements of American society have never,
since the year of 1776, approved of the extension of for-
eign aristocracy to these shores, and that which is still
more encouraging to the descendants of the F. F. V.’s is
that they never will. But poor old Ward McAllister
lived and danced his life away, clinging to the absurd
idea that it was all right for such adventurers as Andre
 

THE HOODLUM SWELL AND SOCIAL DICTATOR.

“ He wears a black necktie, sticks a black handkerchief in
his ‘vest,’ blows a tin whistle, and his word is South-of-
Market law as far down the road as Butchertown.’— Zar
flat Free Dump (J. Power, Editor).
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 391

Poniatowski, or Pony-of-whisky, to come over here and
marry Parvenuesses for their dollars.

Mr. McAllister evidently believed that the infusion of
foreign titled blood into the steam beer blood of California
Parvenucracy would improve the latter. Having lived
out among those old saloon-keepers, Mr. McAllister was
willing that almost any experiment that would tend to
civilize their descendants should be tried. But careful
intelligent observations of the disastrous failures of these
experiments, as shown by the Mackay-Collonna transac-
tion, the Prentiss-Huntington-Hatsfeldt international dis-
grace, and the latest nauseating transactions between Miss
Gould and Count de Castellaine, all go to strengthen the
belief that when noble blood becomes so diluted as to sell
itself for money taken in over the counters of grogshops
and stock-boards, it has ceased to be noble at all.

All Americans desiring information on how to con-
duct a dancing club composed of the representative mem-
bers of the saloon keeper, gambling house keeper, and
sporty elements of society should call upon Mr. E. M.
Greenway, who is also prepared to give advice on how
to malign all social clubs in the city whose members refuse
to acknowledge him as anything more than a fake society
reporter.

When the defunct os Ostros Cotillion Club was in
existence, Mr. Greenway used to refer to it as the Mos
Ass-tros Club, just because Messrs. Frank E. Webb,
Charlie Nosegrave, A. L. Dodge, and Harry Wilber
belonged to it. There is no reason why a man should
hesitate about expressing his opinions of individuals, pro-
vided he is prepared to substantiate those opinions with
facts as Mr. Greenway was, but it was very unkind of
Ned to give a club such a name as that just in order to
describe a few of its would-be leaders—like himself.
392 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

A few simple rules on arranging parties will, if observed,
insure success and a good time :

Form your committees and get out your invitations on
plain white paper. Do not have any vulgar embossing on
the invitation, but have it engraved in neat script.

Do not put anything about dress on the invitation
unless it is a military affair, because every man fit tc
be invited to a dance ought to have sense enough to
know that gentlemen always wear evening dress to
dances. *

Those who don’t know that much are liable to be
ignorant of other important rules of good form.

Ladies are always up to date in the matter of dress, and
need no male advice on that subject further than a quiet
gentle hint that it does not sound nicely to masculine
ears to hear ladies criticising one another’s gowns at
cotillions or anywhere else.

One peculiar thing is that the most charming and the
prettiest dressed ladies generally are made the victims
and targets of the most cruel and uncalled-for insinua-
tions of other ladies, who, by reason of the fact that
they are permitted to sit and look on while the more
fortunate ones dance, are enabled to adjust their green
Jorgnettes and look for imaginary defects, and, failing to
find any, add more venom to their disappointed criticisms.

This is a failing that is particularly noticeable in
females who are no longer attractive.

One well known example will serve as a description
suitable for this class. An extremely uncouth old woman

* In all parts of the civilized world except California, the term
‘‘Evening Dress”” means ‘‘swallow-tailed”’ or ‘* claw-hammer’”’ coats
for gentlemen. Some San Francisco society leaders insist on saying
‘© Full Dress,” which is absurd. That term applies only to the military,
and to societies that wear military uniforms,
(Owes ,, 2ISIYAs
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“UINS S,UOI'T ay} UL SSW AY] ‘10

‘

‘NOILGHDAN LAAULS NOLONIHSVM V LV TIZMS WNTCOOH AHL

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS, 395

who keeps a ‘fashionable family boarding house” on
Pine Street, almost under the shadow of the Hopkins
Mansion, which is on the next street a little further up on
Snob Hill, has a penchant for posing as a professional
chaperon, in order to gain admission to functions where
she is not wanted.

At a large naval reception that I attended at Mare
Island, this ludicrous old creature ‘‘ chaperoned” no less
than four young ladies, who were guests at her boarding
house.

Gentlemen were less abundant than ladies at this
function, and the floor committee had its hands full
trying to see that all the young ladies got some
dances.

I saw a young naval lieutenant take one of his brother
officers up to introduce him to this quartette, on whose
invitation the professional ‘‘chaperon”’ had crept in,
when, much to the young officer’s astonishment, the fat
old chaperon got up and took his arm, pretending to
think that the introduction was intended for her.

The gentleman had a pretty hard time getting rid of his
undesirable partner, who held on to him in order to tell
him that a certain lady, who subsequently turned out to
be his fancée, was dressed like a servant girl, The young
man then took Mme. Family Boarding House de Veller
Blister back to her seat. The four young ladies never
got a dance during the evening for the reason that no one
else would venture up for an introduction for fear of
being victimized by the chaperon.

Mothers should be careful about how they trust their
daughters out with professional chaperons, and especially
those who are addicted to the habit of drinking and
gambling, as the one in question was, and still is.

Here are some good forms for invitations, which
396 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY; OR,

should never be sent to ineligible persons or professional
society parasites, but should be addressed in such a way
that only the invited guests may obtain admission on
them :

The Admiral, the Captain and Officers of
the U.S. S. Mohican request the pleasure of your company Aboard Ship,
Tuesday evening, January twenty-fourth,
at eight o'clock.

Another good form is:

The N.S. L. K. 10,
At Home,

Friday Evening, April 19, 1895,
at half past eight o’clock.
Beethoven Hall,

N. E. Cor. Post and Powell Streets.
Hotel Savoy Building.

Here is another :

The Cotillion Club requests the honor of
Governor and Mrs. James H, Budd’s company
at the Charity Ball,
in aid of the Children’s Hospital Fund,
at the Palace Hotel, Monday Evening, January 7, 1895.
Please answer and present this invitation for admission cards to
the committee,
or at the office of the Palace Hotel.

If it is intended that invited guests may keep their
invitations as souvenirs of the function, small cards, with
the name of your club engraved thereon, should be
enclosed with the engraved invitations.
ssauany 422905 PUYIST PAVIY—,/A ACJ PApusjUl SEM VONONPO.AUL ayy FYI YULYY OF Surpuajeid
‘wae siy Yoo} pue dn 308 uoaadvyo pjo yy ay} ‘JUStUYSIUOJSE S_19dYJO Sunod ay} 0} yon ,,

‘NOILdAOAN S.IVUINGV AHL LV . WANOId- LINAS » ATWWAA AHL

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY TS. 399
Here is a neat form for an admission card :

THE ASSEMBLY
Golden Gate Hall, 625 Sutter Street,
Tuesday Evening, December 20, 1894, 8:45.
Admit Ar. LZ. Ernst Phillips and Lady.
(Signed) 7. A. Christie, Member.
Not transferable.

Here is another form for admission cards:

THE MONDAY EVENING CLUB.

Palace Hotel, Feb. 6, 1893, 8:30 to 12.
Admit Lieutenant and Mrs. D. L. Wilson, U.S. N.
Issued at the request of Z. Z. Phillips.

Please present at Reception Room door,

Students generally request your presence about as
follows :

THE Younc MEN
OF
CHAMBERLAIN-HUNT ACADEMY

Request your presence at a Dance to be given
at Odd Fellows’ Hall, Port Gibson, Miss.,

Tuesday Evening, June roth, 1894.

Enclosed with the above invitation was a little card
which read, ‘‘ Please present at the door.” Then there

were enclosed two other little cards on which were
written :

Compliments of Misses Jennie and Mary Kate Sevier.

Ten dances are quite enough to have between 8:30 and
12 0’clock.

Those should be arranged on a very plain white card
with the name of your club or organization and date, and
400 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

where the affair is to be danced, on one side, and the
list of dances on the other. Such as the following :

 

 

 

ENGAGEMENTS.
Ts WaltZa seas oan Se Miss Gould,
Qo Lancerss decease Miss Wooll,
THE N.S. L. K. to 3. Schottische....... Miss Loomis,
Lunr’s Hatt, 4. Polka (5-step) .... Miss Teresi,
; So MV ae ewe en chew Miss Fritchie,
Puestay Eaening 6. Deux Temps...... Miss Taylor,
february 5, 7. Schottische....... Miss McElroy,
1895. 85 Pollea scusice autancteine Miss McEwen,
On Waltz ics vee een Miss Gruenhagen,
Io. Spanish Waltz..... Miss Collison.

 

 

 

 

If the dance or entertainment is to be given in honor
of someone, the name of the guest of honor should in-
variable be engraved on the invitations and the pro-
grammes as well.

Here is a form :

THE YounGc MEN OF HARRISTON,
request the honor of the company of
Doctor and Mrs. J, W. Davenport,
at a farewell dance to be given
in honor of Mrs. Robert L. Montgomery,
on Monday, May 7th, 1894, at 8:30 p. M.
Ladies reception room,
the Pioneer Hotel.

For a large naval reception that I attended, the invi-
tation read :
(oostouely ues ‘qnIQ ensvey uoIUy st} 0} sSuojeq wostnog) “£681 ‘Arenue[ ‘souep 19}0H

sored & je SaIpel ot} SUOW’ Spied ssouIsnq Sty Surnqriyjsip ,.“3sywed » ‘mos[nod “IL JWN
‘INGNA1IA SIH JO LAO ATLOINLS

 
SOCIETY AS IT REALLY IS. 403

THE OFFICERS OF MARE ISLAND Navy YARD,
and of the Ships in Port,
request the pleasure of your company
at a Farewell Reception
to be given
Rear Admiral Joun Irwin, U.S. N.,
At the Sail Loft, April 19, 1893,
Dancing. 8:30 P.M.

At very large functions of this kind, which only happen
once in a great while, dancing is generally kept up until
daybreak. But it is not customary at ordinary functions
to dance after supper, which is generally announced at
midnight.

Before leaving the patient reader who has followed me
through my long voyages in the great social sea and back
to the quiet life of a literary man in New York City,—
the national center of wealth, fashion, and poverty,—a
few hints to ambitious society leaders may not be out of
place. So I will now add a few suggestions which will be
found useful to have about the house in any climate.

Since those hints have been deduced from information
obtained from the leading society men of America, it
might be well for the reader to remember some if not all
of them:

A fondness for nice social gatherings is an excellent
sign in young persons who are well-bred. It shows
matrimonial inclinations.

You cannot conduct a social organization on a money
making basis with any degree of real pleasure to its mem-
bers. Business and pleasure will not combine in a danc-
ing party. ‘‘Dentist’”” N. T. Coulson proved that at a
Palace Hotel dance in 1893.

Persons who object to marriage, and try to prevent
404 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY, OR,

other persons of naturally good inclinations from marry-
ing, should be classed as murderers. They would murder
the goddess of natural love.

Elderly men who pose as ‘‘adopted fathers” are some-
times more unreasonable than crazy parents.

Persons who appropriate cloaks, hats, shoes, handker-
chiefs, and other wearing apparel, and run off with the
horses and buggies of other guests at social gatherings,
should be considered as robbers, burglars, thieves, and
pickpockets.

Persons who get more invitations than they should
have, and sell the surplus ones to their friends, and then
forget to pay their subscriptions, should be classed as
bums and tramps.

Persons who go to dances under the influence of liquor,
and who keep running out between the dances and
coming back among the ladies with a disgusting odor of
beer, whisky, cloves, and cinnamon bark about their
foul mouths, are now regarded as common drunks, toughs,
and hoodlums, and are being treated accordingly in
making up invitation lists.

Persons who are known to be runners for wine houses,
and who claim that it is good form to have wine at cotil-
lions and bad form to buy it from anybody except them-
selves, are now being looked upon the same as saloon-
keepers, and are being relegated to tenderloindom, where
they belong.

Persons who have not the force of character to quit
drinking when they are full enough, should always take
more solids than liquids.

Dentists and doctors who distribute their business
cards at cotillions, and send up cards with their business
addresses on them when they call upon ladies, are now
regarded as quacks.
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pres ,‘spmbi] uvy} sprjos colour oye} sAeMe plnoys nod yey} ‘uUsWeTUES ‘pulul ur iveg ,,

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SOGIBINV TAS TI. REA LEY ls. 407

Lawyers who do similar things are looked upon as
shysters.

Persons who are always finding fault with cotillion
managers who do their best to please all, should be
classed as social anarchists.

Persons who insist on making speeches at the table

 

Mr. Silas C. Wright. No relation to the
‘“« Fruit-picker,”’

when nobody wants to listen to them, and then get upon
the music stand and announce some fake party that
nobody would care to attend, should be regarded as
society fakirs.

Treasurers of charity balls and entertainments who
fail to account for the receipts, and then take the admis-
sion tickets which the guests deposited at the door and
mark ‘‘Complimentary” on those which were paid for,
and admit waiters, pawn-brokers, and others at reduced
rates, and then try to lay the blame on innocent people,
408 CHAMBLISS’ DIARY.

should be classed as society ballot-box stuffers, and
should be kicked out bodily.

Married people who object to children on the absurd
idea that the world is already over-populated should learn
that there always was and always will be plenty of room
on this planet for properly bred children of both sexes.

Persons who ignore their marriage vows are worthy of
the confidence of no one who considers an oath binding.

Young men who liquidate their board bills at fashion-
able boarding houses with the proceeds of private poker
games, to which they invite chance acquaintances whom
they meet at social gatherings, are being classed as
“*fruit-pickers,”’

Women who pose as chaperons in order to get into
society to entice young men into-their ‘‘ family board-
ing houses” to be victimized are called ‘female fruit-
pickers.”

Self-elected leaders and dictators of so-called social
clubs who claim that a little money and a few fake
notices in the third-rate papers give high social standing
to all the saloon keepers, gamblers, sports, and prize-
fighters who attend their money-making ‘ functions,”
should be relegated without unnecessary delay to the
ranks of ‘‘colored society.”

THE END.
 

 

  
   

 

FRIDAY NIGHT|
COTILLION,
| MUSIC. |

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Junius JAHN wy

THE OUTLOOK IN PARVENUCRACY FOR 1900.

Af-ter the ball is o-ver ;

Af-ter the truth we see ;
Greeny and Birdie in clo-ver,
Some-thing like this, will b-e-e.
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