AROUND THI
WORLD Wit
JOSIAH ALLENS WIFE.

 

 

>
of

 
CORNELL
UNIVERSITY
LIBRARY

Prof. Guy E. Grantham

 
round the world with Josiah Allen’s wif
“Str aseg — -aards1qu04g—_, (WUBIS & WYM,, “J zas ,,‘yeIsof ‘YO ,

 
AROUND THE WORLD

WITH

JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

BY

MARIETTA HOLLEY

AuTHOR OF ‘‘ SAMANTHA AT THE St. Louis Exposition,” ** My Opinion AND Betsey Bossets’,””
““SAMANTHA AT SARATOGA,” ‘SAMANTHA AT THE WorLp’s Farr,” Etc,

ILLUSTRATIONS BY
H. M. PETTIT

 

G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
Copyright, 1899, 1900 and 1905, by
Marirtta Hottey.

Entered at Stationers’ Hall,
London, England.

 

(Lssued September, 1905.)

Around the World with
Josiah Allen's Wife.

Press of J. J. Little & Co.
Astor Place, New York
ILLUSTRATIONS

PAGE
“Oh, Josiah,” sez I, “what asight!” . . . . Frontispiece
“Tl help you to set if you'll set where I want youto” . 53
There wuz the usual variety of people on the ship . 84

‘We must eat,’’ sez Josiah, helpin’ himself to another cake 160
I withdrawed him, bowin’ very low and smilin’ at her. . 219
He wuz tied into an arm-chair and swung off by ropes . 235

We wuz all invited to a garden party, gin by Mr. and Miss
Curzon... . ie eee ae - 4 240

The Mudd-Weakdews visit the picture gallery in Milan 316

When we got back to the tarven we found a hull pile of

letters from Jonesville S ub Ge ee : 342
Samantha and the distinguished stranger ie as 371
Samantha points out the beauties of the White Saloon . 430

The children scattered roses and sweet posies in their path 467
AROUND THE WORLD WITH
JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

CHAPTER I

UR son, Thomas Jefferson, and his wife, Mag-
gie, have been wadin’ through a sea of trouble.
He down with inflamatory rumatiz so a move
or jar of any kind, a fly walkin’ over the bed-
clothes, would most drive him crazy; and she

with nervious prostration, brought on I spoze by nussin’ her

pardner and her youngest boy, Thomas Josiah (called Tom-
my), through the measles, that had left him that spindlin’
and weak-lunged that the doctor said the only thing that
could tone up his system and heal his lungs and save his
life would be a long sea voyage. He had got to be got
away from the cold fall blasts of Jonesville to once. Oh!
how I felt when I heard that ultimatum and realized his
danger, for Tommy wuz one of my favorites. Grandpar-
ents ort not to have favorites, but I spoze they will as long
as the world turns on its old axletrys.

He looks as Thomas J. did when he wuz his age and

I married his pa and took the child to my heart, and got

his image printed there so it won’t never rub off through

time or eternity. Tommy is like his pa and he hain’t like
him; he has his pa’s old ways of truthfulness and honesty,
and deep—why good land! there hain’t no tellin’ how deep
that child is. He has got big gray-blue eyes, with long dark
lashes that kinder veil his eyes when he’s thinkin’; his hair

 
10 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

is kinder dark, too, about the color his pa’s wuz, and waves
and crinkles some, and in the crinkles it seems as if there
wuz some gold wove into the brown. He has got a sweet
mouth, and one that knows how to stay shet too; he hain’t
much of a talker, only to himself; he’ll set and play and talk
to himself for hours and hours, and though he’s affectionate,
he’s a independent child; if he wants to know anything the
worst kind he will set and wonder about it (he calls it won-
ner). He will say to himself, “I wonner what that means.”
And sometimes he will talk to Carabi about it—that is a
child of his imagination, a invisible playmate he has always
had playin’ with him, talkin’ to him, and I spoze imaginin’
that Carabi replies. I have asked him sometimes, ‘ Who
is Carabi, I hearn you talkin’ to out in the yard? Where
duz he come from! How duz he look?”

He always acts shy about tellin’, but if pressed hard he
will say, “ He looks like Carabi, and he comes from right
here,” kinder sweepin’ his arms round. But he talks with
him by the hour, and I declare it has made me feel fairly
pokerish to hear him. But knowin’ what strange av-
enoos open on every side into the mysterious atmosphere
about us, the strange ether world that bounds us on every
pint of the compass, and not knowin’ exactly what natives
walk them avenoos, I hain’t dasted to poke too much fun
at him, and ’tennyrate I spozed if Tommy went a long sea-
voyage Carabi would have to go too. But who wuz goin’
with Tommy? Thomas J. had got independent rich, and
Maggie has come into a large property; they had means
enough, but who wuz to go with him? I felt the mantilly
of responsibility fallin’ on me before it fell, and I groaned in
sperit—could I, could I agin tempt the weariness and dan-
ger of a long trip abroad, and alone at that? For I tackled
Josiah on the subject before Thomas J. importuned me, only
with his eyes, sad and beseechin’ and eloquent. And Josiah
planted himself firm as a rock on his refusal.

Never, never would he stir one step on a long sea-voyage,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 11

no indeed! he had had enough of water to last him through
his life, he never should set foot on any water deeper than
the creek, and that wuzn’t over his pumps. “ But I cannot
see the child die before my eyes, Josiah, and feel that I
might have saved him, and yet am I to part with the pardner
of my youth and middle age? Am I to leave you, Josiah?”

“T know not!” sez he wildly, “ only I know that I don’t
set my foot on any ship, or any furren shore agin. When
I sung ‘hum agin from a furren shore’ I meant hum agin
for good and all, and here I stay.”

“Oh dear me!” I sithed, “why is it that the apron
strings of Duty are so often made of black crape, but yet I
must cling to em?”

“Well,” sez Josiah, “ what clingin’ I do will be to hum;
I don’t go dressed up agin for months, and hang round
tarvens and deepos, and I couldn’t leave the farm anyway.”

But his mean wuz wild and haggard; that man worships
me. But dear little Tommy wuz pinin’ away; he must go,
and to nobody but his devoted grandma would they trust
him, and I knew that Philury and Ury could move right in
and take care of everything, and at last I sez: “I will try
to go, Thomas J., I will try to go ’way off alone with Tommy
and leave your pa .’ But here my voice choked up and
I hurried out to give vent to some tears and groans that I
wouldn’t harrow Thomas J. with. But strange, strange are
the workin’s of Providence! wonderful are the ways them
apron strings of Duty will be padded and embroidered,
strange to the world’s people, but not to them that con-
sider the wonderful material they are made of, and how
they float out from that vast atmosphere jest spoke on, that
lays all round us full of riches and glory and power, and
beautiful surprises for them that cling to ’em whether or no.
Right at this time, as if our sharp distress had tapped the
universe and it run comfort, two relations of Maggie’s, on
their way home from Paris to San Francisco, stopped to see
their relations in Jonesville on their own sides.

 
12 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Dorothy Snow, Maggie’s cousin, wuz a sweet young girl,
the only child of Adonirum Snow, who left Jonesville poor
as a rat, went to Californy and died independent rich. She
wuz jest out of school, had been to Paris for a few months
to take special studies in music and languages; a relation
on her ma’s side, a kind of gardeen, travelin’ with her.
Albina Meechim wuz a maiden lady from choice, so she said
and I d’no as I doubted it when I got acquainted with her,
for she did seem to have a chronic dislike to man, and havin’
passed danger herself her whole mind wuz sot on preventin’
Dorothy from marryin’.

They come to Maggie’s with a pretty, good natured
French maid, not knowin’ of the sickness there, and Maggie
wouldn’t let ’em go, as they wuz only goin’ to stay a few
days. They wuz hurryin’ home to San Francisco on ac-
count of some bizness that demanded Dorothy’s presence
there. But they wuz only goin’ to stop there a few days,
and then goin’ to start off on another long sea-voyage clear
to China, stoppin’ at Hawaii on the way. Warm climate!
good for measles! My heart sunk as I hearn ’em tell on’t.
Here wuz my opportunity to have company for the long
sea-voyage. But could I—could I take it? Thomas Jeffer-
son gently approached the subject ag’in. Sez he, “ Mother,
mebby Tommy’s life depends on it, and here is good com-
pany from your door.” I murmured sunthin’ about the ex-
penses of such a trip.

Sez he, “ That last case I had will more than pay all ex-
penses for you and Tommy, and father if he will go, and,”
sez he, “if I can save my boy—’” and his voice trembled
and he stopped.

“But,” I sez, “your father is able to pay for any trip
we want to take.” And he says, “ He won’t pay a cent for
this.” And there it wuz, the way made clear, good com-
pany provided from the doorstep. Dorothy slipped her soft
little white hand in mine and sez, “ Do go; Aunt Samantha.
May I call you Auntie?” sez she, as she lifted her sweet
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 13

voylet eyes to mine. She’s as pretty as a pink—white com-
plected, with wavy, golden hair and sweet, rosy lips and
cheeks.

And I sez, “ Yes, you dear little creater, you may call
me aunt in welcome, and we be related in a way,” sez I.

Sez Miss Meechim, “ We shall consider it a great boon
if you go with us. And dear little Tommy, it will add
greatly to the pleasure of our trip. We only expected to
have three in our company.”

“Who is the third?” sez I.

“My nephew, Robert Strong. He has been abroad with
us, but had to go directly home to San Francisco to attend
to his business before he could go on this long trip; he will
join us there. We expect to go to Hawaii and the Philip-
pines, and Japan and China, and perhaps Egypt.”

“And that will be just what you will enjoy, mother,”
sez Thomas J.

Sez I, in a strange axent, “I never laid plans for going
to China, but,” sez I, “I do feel that I would love to see
the Empress, Si Ann. There is sunthin’ that the widder
Heinfong ort to know.”

Thomas J. asked me what it wuz, but I gently declined
to answer, merely sayin’ that it was a matter of duty, and
so I told Miss Meechim when she asked about it. She is
so big feelin’ that it raised me up considerable to think that
I had business with a Empress. But I answered her evasive,
and agin I giv vent to a low groan, and sez to myself, “ Can
I let the Pacific Ocean roll between me and Josiah? Will
Duty’s apron string hold up under the strain, or will it
break with me? Will it stretch out clear to China? And
oh! will my heart strings that are wrapped completely round
that man, will they stretch out the enormous length they
will have to and still keep hull?” I knew not. I wuz a
prey to overwhelmin’ emotions, even as I did up my best
night-gowns and sheepshead night-caps and sewed clean lace
in the neck and sleeves of my parmetty and gray alpaca and
14 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR

got down my hair trunk, for I knew that I must hang onto
that apron string no matter where it carried me to. Wait-
still Webb come and made up some things I must have, and
as preparations went on my pardner’s face grew haggard
and wan from day to day, and he acted as if he knew not
what he wuz doin’. Why, the day I got down my trunk I
see him start for the barn with the accordeon in a pan. He
sot out to get milk for the calf. He was nearly wild.

He hadn’t been so good to me in over four years. Truly,
a threatened absence of female pardners is some like a big
mustard poultice applied to the manly breast drawin’ out
the concealed stores of tenderness and devotion that we
know are there all the time, but sometimes kep’ hid for
years and years.

He urged me to eat more than wuz good for me—rich
stuff that I never did eat—and bought me candy, which I
sarahuptishly fed to the pup. And he follered me round
with footstools, and het the soap stun hotter than wuz good
for my feet, and urged me to keep out of drafts.

And one day he sez to me with a anxious face:

“Tf you do go, Samanthy, I wouldn’t write about your
trip—I am afraid it will be too much for you—I am afraid
it will tire your head too much. I know it would mine.”

And then I say to him in a tender axent, for his devo-
tion truly touched me:

“There is a difference in heads, Josiah.”

But he looked so worried that I most promised him I
wouldn’t try to write about the trip—oh! how that man
loves me, and I him visey versey. And so the days passed,
little Tommy pale and pimpin’, Thomas J. lookin’ more
cheerful as he thought his ma wuzn’t goin’ to fail him, Mag-
gie tryin’ to keep up and tend to havin’ Tommy’s clothes
fixed; she hated to have him go, and wanted him to go. She
and Thomas J. wuz clingin’ to that string, black as a coal,
and hash feelin’ to our fingers. Miss Meechim and Dorothy
wuz as happy as could be. Miss Meechim wuz tall and slim
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE 15

and very genteel, and sandy complected, and she confided
her rulin’ passion to me the first time I see her for any
length of time.

“I want Dorothy to be a bachelor maid,” sez she. “I
am determined that she shall not marry anyone. And you
don’t know,” sez she fervently, “ what a help my nephew,
Robert Strong, has been to me in protectin’ Dorothy from
lovers. I am so thankful he is going with us on this long
trip. He is good as gold and very rich; but he has wrong
ideas about his wealth. He says that he only holds it in
trust, and he has built round his big manufactory, just out-
side of San Francisco, what he calls a City of Justice, where
his workmen are as well cared for and happy as he is. That
is very wrong, I have told him repeatedly. It is breaking
down the Scriptures, which teaches the poor their duty to
the rich, and gently admonishes the rich to look down upon
and guide the poor. How can the Scriptures be fulfilled if
the rich lift up the poor and make them wealthy? I trust
that Robert will see his mistake in time, before he makes
all his workmen wealthy. But, oh, he is such a help to me
in protecting Dorothy from lovers.”

“ How duz he protect her?” sez I.

“Oh, he has such tact. He knows just how opposed I
am to matrimony in the abstract and concrete, and he has
managed gently but firmly to lead Dorothy away from the
dangers about her. Now, he don’t care for dancing at all;
but there was a young man at home who wuz just winning
her heart completely with his dexterity with his heels, as
you may say. He was the most graceful dancer and Dorothy
dotes on dancing. I told my trouble to Robert, and what
should that boy do but make a perfect martyr of himself,
and after a few lessons danced so much better that Dorothy
wuz turned from her fancy. And one of her suitors had
such a melodious voice, he wuz fairly singin’ his way into
her heart, and I confided my fears to Robert, and he imme-
diately responded, dear boy. He just practised self-denial
16 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

again, and commenced singing with her himself, and his
sweet, clear tenor voice entirely drowned out the deep basso
I had feared. Of course, Robert did it to please me and
from principle. I taught him early self-denial and the pleas-
ures of martyrdom. Of course, I never expected he would
carry my teachings to such an extent as he has in his busi-
ness life. I did not mean it to extend to worldly matters;
I meant it to be more what the Bible calls ‘ the workings of
the spirit.’ But he will doubtless feel different as he gets
older. And, oh, he is such a help to me with Dorothy.
Now, on this trip he knows my fears, and how sedulously
I have guarded Dorothy from the tender passion, and it wuz
just like him to put his own desires in the background and
go with us to help protect her.”

“ How did you git such dretful fears of marriage?” sez
I. “Men are tryin’ lots of times, and it takes considerable
religion to git along with one without jawin’ more or less.
But, after all, I d’no what I should do without my pardner—
I think the world on him, and have loved to think I could
put out my hand any time and be stayed and comforted by
his presence. I should feel dretful lost and wobblin’ with-
out him,” sez I, with a deep sithe, “ though I well know his
sect’s shortcomin’s. But I never felt towards ’em as you do,
even in my most maddest times, when Josiah had been the
tryinest and most provokinest.”

“Well,” sez she, ‘my father spent all my mother’s
money on horse-racin’, save a few thousand which he had
invested for her, and she felt wuz safe, but he took that to
run away with a bally girl, and squandered it all on her and
died on the town. My eldest sister’s husband beat her with
a poker, and throwed her out of a three-story front in San
Francisco, and she landin’ on a syringea tree wuz saved to
git a divorce from him and also from her second and third
husbands for cruelty, after which she gave up matrimony
and opened a boarding-house, bitter in spirit, but a good
calculator. I lived with her when a young girl, and imbibed
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 1%

her dislike for matrimony, which wuz helped further by sad
experiences of my own, which is needless to particularize.
(I hearn afterwards that she had three disappointments run-
nin’, bein’ humbly and poor in purse.)

“And now,” sez she, “I am as well grounded against
matrimony as any woman can be, and my whole energies
are aimed on teaching Dorothy the same belief I hold.”

“Well,” sez I, “your folks have suffered dretful from
men and I don’t wonder you feel as you do. But what I
am a goin’ to do to be separated from my husband durin’
this voyage is more than I can tell.” And I groaned a deep
holler groan.

“Why, I haven’t told you half,” sez she. “ All of my
sisters but one had trouble with their husbands. Robert’s
step-ma wuz the only one who had a good husband, but he
died before they’d been married a year, and she follered him
in six months, leaving twins, who died also, and I took
Robert, to whom I had got attached, to the boarding-house,
and took care on him until he wuz sent away to school and
college. His pa left plenty of money,” sez she, “and a big
fortune when he came of age, which he has spent in the
foolish way I have told you of, or a great part of it.”

Well, at this juncture we wuz interrupted, and didn’t re-
soom the conversation until some days afterwards, though I
wuz dretful interested in the big manufactory of Robert
Strong’s, that big co-working scheme. (I had hearn Thomas
J. commend it warmly.)

At last the day come for me to start. I waked up feelin’
a strange weight on my heart. I had dremp Philury had
sot the soap stun on my chest. But no soap stun wuz ever
so hard and heavy as my grief. Josiah and I wuz to be
parted! Could it be so? Could I live through it? He wuz
out in the wood-house kitchen pretendin’ to file a saw. File
a saw before breakfast! He took that gratin’ job to hide his
groans; he wuz weepin’; his red eyes betrayed him. Philury
got a good breakfast which we couldn’t eat. My trunk wuz

2
18 AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

packed and in the democrat. The neighborin’ wimmen
brung me warm good-byes and bokays offen their house
plants, and sister Sypher sent me some woosted flowers,
which I left to home, and some caraway seed to nibble on
my tower which I took.

She that wuz Arvilly Lanfeare brought me a bottle of
bam made out of the bark of the bam of Gilead tree, to use
in case I should get bruised or smashed on the train, and
also two pig’s bladders blowed up, which she wanted me to
wear constant on the water to help me float. She had
painted on one of ’em the Jonesville meetin’-house, thinkin’,
I spoze, the steeple might bring lofty thoughts to me in
hurrycains or cyclones. And on the other one she had
painted in big letters the title of the book she is agent for—
“The Twin Crimes of America: Intemperance and Greed!”
i thought it wuz real cunning in Arvilly to combine so beau-
tifully kindness and business. There is so much in adver-
tising. They looked real well, but I didn’t see how I wuz
goin’ to wear ’em over my bask waist. Arvilly said she
wanted to go with me the worst kind. Says she:

“T hain’t felt so much like goin’ anywhere sense I de-
serted.” (Arvilly did enlist in the Cuban army, and de-
serted, and they couldn’t touch her for it—of which more
anon.)

And I sez to her: “I wish you could go, Arvilly; I be-
lieve it would do you good after what you have went
through.”

Well, the last minute come and Ury took us to the train.
Josiah went with me, but he couldn’t have driv no more
than a mournin’ weed could.

I parted with the children, and—oh! it wuz a hard
wrench on my heart to part with Thomas J.; took pale lit-
tle Tommy in my arms, like pullin’ out his pa’s heart-strings
—and his ma’s, too—and at last the deepo wuz reached.

As we went in we see old Miss Burpy from ’way back of
Loontown. She wuz never on the cars before, or see ’em,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 19

but she wuz sent for by her oldest boy who lives in the city.

She was settin’ in a big rocken’-chair rocken voyolently,
and as I went past her she says:

“Have we got to New York yet?”

“Why,” sez I, “we haint started.”

She sez, “ I thought I wuz in the convenience now a-trav-
ellin’.”

“Oh, no,” I sez, “the conveyance haint come yet, you
will heer it screechin’ along pretty soon.”

Anon we hearn the train thunderin’ towards us. I parted
with Tirzah Ann and Whitfield, havin’ shook hands with
Ury before; and all others being parted from, I had to,
yes, I had to, bid my beloved pardner adoo. And with a
almost breakin’ heart clum into the car, Miss Meechim and
Dorothy and Aronette having preceeded me before hand.
Yes, I left my own Josiah behind me, with his bandanna
pressed to his eyes.

Could I leave him? At the last minute I leaned out of
the car winder and sez with a choken voice:

“Josiah, if we never meet again on Jonesville sile, re-
member there is a place where partin’s and steam engines
are no more.”

His face wuz covered with his bandanna, from whence
issued deep groans, and I felt I must be calm to boy him up,
and I sez: °

“ Be sure, Josiah, to keep your feet dry, take your cough
medicine reglar, go to meetin’ stiddy, keep the pumps from
freezin’, and may God bless you,” sez I.

And then again I busted into tears. The hard-hearted
engine snorted and puffed, and we wuz off.
CHAPTER JT

er Y2ZAS the snortin’ and skornful actin’ engine tore

EVANS) my body away from Jonesville, I sot nearly
1G; oN AN bathed in tears for some time till I wuz

7, pen aware that little Tommy wuz weepin’ also,
PGs frightened I spoze by his grandma’s grief,
and then I knew it wuz my duty to compose myself, and I
summoned all my fortitude, put my handkerchief in my
pocket, and give Tommy a cream cookey, which calmed
his worst agony. I then recognized and passed the compli-
ments of the day with Miss Meechim and Dorothy and
pretty little Aronette, who wuz puttin’ away our wraps and
doin’ all she could for the comfort of the hull of us. Seein’
my agitation, she took Tommy in her arms and told him
some stories, good ones, I guess, for they made Tommy
stop cryin’ and go to laughin’, specially as she punctuated
the stories with some chocolate drops.

Dorothy looked sweet as a rose and wuz as sweet. Miss
Meechim come and sot down by me, but she seemed to me
like a furiner; I wuz dwellin’ in a fur off realm Miss Mee-
chim had never stepped her foot in, the realm of Wedded
Love and Pardner Reminiscences. What did Miss Meechim
know of that hallowed clime? What did she know of the
grief that wrung my heart? Men wuz to her like shadders;
‘her heart spoke another language.

Thinkin’ that it would mebbe git my mind off a little
from my idol, I asked her again about Robert Strong’s City
of Justice; sez I, “ It has run in my mind considerable since
you spoke on’t; I don’t think I ever hearn the name of any
place I liked so well, City of Justice! Why the name fairly

   

 
  
     

  
  

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 21

takes hold of my heart-strings,” sez I; “has he made well
by his big manufactory? ”

“Why, yes, fairly well,” sez she, “but he has strange
ideas. He says he don’t want to coin a big fortune out of
other men’s sweat and brains. He wants to march on with
the great army of toilers, and not be carried ahead of it on
a down bed. He says he wants to feel that he is wronging
no man by amassing wealth out of the half-paid labor of
their best years, and that he is satisfied with an equal and
reasonable share of the labor and capital invested. He has
the best of men in his employ and they are all well paid and
industrious; all well-to-do, able to live well, educate their
children well, and have time for some culture and recreation
for themselves and their families. I told him that his ideas
were Utopian, but he says they have succeeded even better
than he expected they would. But there will come a crash
some time, I am sure. There must be rich and there must
be poor in this world, or the Scriptures will not be fulfilled.”

Sez I, “ There ain’t no need to be such a vast army of
poverty marching on to the almshouse and grave, if it wuzn’t
for the dram-shop temptin’ poor human nater, and the greed
of the world, and the cowardice and indifference of the
Church of Christ. Enough money is squandered for stuff
that degrades and destroys to feed and clothe all the hungry
and naked children of the world.”

“ Oh,” sez Miss Meechim, “I don’t believe all this talk
and clamor about prohibition. My people all drank gen-
teelly, and though of course it was drink that led.to the
agony and divorces of three of my sisters, and my father’s
first downfall, yet I have always considered that moderate
drinking was genteel. Our family physician always drank
genteel, and our clergyman always kept it in his wine cellar,
and if people would only exert self control and drink gen-
teel, there would be no danger.”

“ How duz Robert Strong feel about it?” sez I.

“Oh, he is a fanatic on the subject; he won’t employ
22 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

a man who drinks at all. He says that the city he is found-
ing is a City of Justice, and it is not just for one member
of a family to do anything to endanger the safety and hap-
piness of the rest; so on that ground alone he wouldn’t
brook any drinking in his model city. There are no very
rich ones there, and absolutely no poor ones; he is com-
pletely obliterating the barriers that always have, and I be-
lieve always should exist between the rich and the poor.
Sez I, ‘Robert, you are sacrilegiously setting aside the
Saviour’s words, “ the poor ye shall always have with you.” ’

“And he said there was another verse that our Lord
incorporated in his teachings and the whole of his life-work,
that he was trying to carry out: ‘Do unto others as ye
would have them to do unto you.’ He said that love and
justice was the foundation and cap-stone of our Saviour’s
life and work and he was trying in his weak way to carry
them out in his own life and work. Robert talked well,”
sez she, “and I must confess that to the outward eye his
City of Justice is in a happy and flourishing condition, easy
hours of work, happy faces of men, women and children
as they work or play or study. It looks well, but as I always
tell him, there is a weak spot in it somewhere.”

“What duz he say to that?” sez I, dretful interested in
the story.

“Why, he says the only weak spot in it is his own in-
competence and inability to carry out the Christ idea of
love and justice as he wants to.”

“T wish I could see that City of Justice,” sez I dreamily,
for my mind’s eye seemed to look up to Robert Strong in
reverence and admiration. ‘“ Well,” sez she, “I must say
that it is a beautiful place; it is founded on a natural terrace
that rises up from a broad, beautiful, green plain, flashing
rivers run through the valley, and back of it rises the moun-
tains.”

“ Like as the mountains are about Jerusalem,” sez I.

“Yes, a beautiful clear stream rushes down the moun-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 23

tain side from the melting snow on top, but warmed by the
southern sun, as it flows through the fertile land, it is warm
and sweet as it reaches Robert’s place. And Robert says,”
continued Miss Meechim, “ that that is just how old preju-
dices and injustices will melt like the cold snow and flow in
a healing stream through the world. He talks well, Robert
does. And oh, what a help he has been to me with Dor-
othy!”

“ What duz she say about it?” sez I.

“ She does not say so, but I believe she thinks as I do
about the infeasibility as well as the intrinsic depravity of
disproving the Scriptures.”

“Well,” sez I, “ Robert was right about the mission of
our Lord being to extend justice and mercy, and bring the
heart of the world into sweetness, light and love. His whole
life was love, self-sacrifice and devotion, and I believe that
Robert is in the right on’t.”

“Oh, Robert is undoubtedly following his ideas of right,
but they clash with mine,” sez Miss Meechim, shakin’ her
head sadly, “and I think he will see his error in time.”

Here Miss Meechim stopped abruptly to look apprehen-
sively at a young man that I knew wuz a Jonesville husband
and father of twins. He was lookin’ admirin’ly at Dorothy,
and Miss Meechim went and sot down between. ’em, and
Tommy come and set with me agin.

Tommy leaned up aginst me and looked out of the car
window and sez kinder low to himself:

“T wonner what makes the smoke roll and roll up so
and feather out the sky, and I wonner what my papa and
my mama is doin’ and what my grandpa will do—they will
be so lonesome?” Oh, how his innocent words pierced my
heart anew, and he begun to kinder whimper agin, and
Aronette, good little creeter, come up and gin him an orange
out of the lunch-basket she had.

Well, we got to New York that evenin’ and I wuz glad
to think that everybody wuz well there, or so as to git about,
24 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

for they wuz all there at the deepo, excep’ them that wuz in
the street, but we got safe through the noise and confusion
to a big, high tarven, with prices as high as its ruff and flag-
pole. Miss Meechim got for her and Dorothy what she
called ‘‘ sweet rooms,” three on ’em in a row, one for each
on ’em and a little one for Aronette. But I d’no as they
wuz any sweeter than mine, though mine cost less and wuz
on the back of the house where it wuzn’t so noisy. Tommy
and I occupied one room; he had a little cot-bed made up
for him.

Indeed, I groaned out as I sot me down in a big chair,
if he wuz here, the pardner of my youth and middle age,
no room Miss Meechim ever looked on wuz so sweet as
this would be. But alas! he wuz fur away. Jonesville held
on to my idol and we wuz parted away from each other.
But I went down to supper, which they called dinner, and
see that Tommy had things for his comfort and eat sunthin’
myself, for I had to support life, yes, strength had to be got
to cling to that black string that I had holt on, and vittles
had to supply some of that strength, though religion and
principle supplied the biggest heft. Miss Meechim and
Aronette wuz in splendid sperits, and after sup—dinner
went out to the theatre to see a noted tragedy acted, and
they asked me to accompany and go with ’em, for I spoze
that my looks wuz melancholy and deprested in extreme,
Aronette offerin’ to take care of Tommy if I wanted to go.

But I sez, “No, I have got all the tragedy in my own
bosom that I can ’tend to.” And in spite of my cast-iron
resolution tears busted out under my eyeleds and trickled
down my nose. They didn’t see it, my back wuz turned,
and my nose is a big one anyway and could accommodate
a good many tears. ,

But I controlled my agony of mind. I walked round
with Tommy for a spell and showed him all the beauties of
the place, which wuz many, sot down with him for a spell in
the big, richly-furnished parlors, but cold and lonesome
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE 25

lookin’ after all, for the love-light of home wuz lackin’, and
looked at the glittering throng passing and repassing; but
the wimmen looked fur off to me and the men wuz like
shadders, only one man seemed a reality to me, and he wuz
small boneded and fur away. And then we went to our
room. I read to Tommy for a spell out of a good little book
I bought, and then hearn him say his prayers, his innocent
voice askin’ for blessin’s from on high for his parents and
my own beloved lonely one, and then I tucked him into his
little cot and sot down and writ a letter to my dear Josiah,
tears dribblin’ down onnoticed while I did so.

For we had promised to write to each other every day
of our lives, else I could not, could not have borne the sep-
aration, and I also begun a letter to Philury. I laid out to
put down things that I wanted her to ’tend to that I thought
on from day to day after I got.away, and then send it to her
bime by. Sez I:

“Philury, be sure and put woolen sheets on Josiah’s
bed if it grows colder, and heat the soap stun for him and
see that he wears his woolen-backed vest, takin’ it off if it
moderates. Tend to his morals, Philury, men are prone to
backslide; start him off reg’lar to meetin’, keep clean ban-
dannas in his pocket, let him wear his gingham neckties,
he’ll cry a good deal and it haint no use to spile his silk
ones. Oh, Philury! you won’t lose nothin’ if you are good
to that dear man. Put salt enough on the pork when you
kill, and don’t let Josiah eat too much sassage. And so
no more to-night, to be continude.”

The next morning I got two letters from my pardner.
He had writ a letter right there in the deepo before he went
home, and also another on his arrival there. Agony wuz in
every word; oh, how wuz we goin’ to bear it!

But I must not make my readers onhappy; no I must
harrow them up no more, I must spread the poultice of
silence on the deep gaping woond and go on with the som-
bry history. After breakfast Miss Meechim got a big, hand-
26 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

some carriage, drawed by two prancin’ steeds, held in by a
man buttoned up to his chin, and invited me to take Tommy
and go with her and Dorothy up to the Park, which I did.
They wuz eloquent in praises of that beautiful place; the
smooth, broad roads, bordered with tall trees, whose slim
branches stood out against the blue sky like pictures. The
crowds of elegant equipages, filled with handsome lookin’
folks in galy attire that thronged them roads. The Mall,
with its stately beauty, the statutes that lined the way ever
and anon. The massive walls of the Museum, the beautiful
lake and rivulets, spanned by handsome bridges. It wuz a
fair seen, a fair seen—underneath beauty of the rarest kind,
and overhead a clear, cloudless sky.

Miss Meechim wuz happy, though she didn’t like the ad-
miring male glances at Dorothy’s fresh, young beauty, and
tried to ward ’em off with her lace-trimmed muff, but
couldn’t. Tommy wuz in pretty good sperits and didn’t look
quite so pale as when we left home, and he wonnered at the
white statutes, and kinder talked to himself, or to Carabi
about ’em, and I kinder gathered from what he said that he
thought they wuz ghosts, and I thought that he wuz kinder
reassurin’ Carabi that they wouldn’t hurt him, and he won-
nered at the mounted policemen who he took to be soldiers,
and at all the beauty with which we wuz surrounded. And
I—I kep’ as cheerful a face as I could on the outside, but
always between me and Beauty, in whatsoever guise it ap-
peared, wuz a bald head, a small-sized figger. Yes, it
weighed but little by the steelyards, but it shaddered lovely
Central Park, the most beautiful park in the world, and the
hull universe for me. But I kep’ a calm frame outside; I
answered Miss Meechim’s remarks mekanically and soothed
her nervous apprehensions as well as I could as she glanced
fearfully at male admirers by remarkin’ in a casual way to
her “that New York and the hull world wuz full of pretty
women and girls,” which made her look calmer, and then J
fell in to once with her scheme of drivin’ up the long, hand-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 2%

some Boolevard, acrost the long bridge, up to the tomb of
Our Hero, General Grant.

Hallowed place! dear and precious to the hull country.
The place where the ashes lie that wuz once the casket of
that brave heart. Good husband, kind father, true friend,
great General, grand Hero, sleeping here by the murmuring
waters of the stream he loved, in the city of his choice, sleep-
ing sweetly and calmly while the whole world wakes to do
him honor and cherish and revere his memory.

I had big emotions here, I always did, and spoze I al-
ways shall. But, alas! true it wuz that even over the
memory of that matchless Hero riz up in my heart the re-
membrance of one who wuz never heroic, onheeded and
onthought on by his country, but—oh! how dear to me!

The memory of his words, often terse and short specially
before meal-time, echoed high above the memory of him
who talked with Kings and Emperors, ruled armies and
hushed the seething battle-cry, and the nation’s clamor with
“Let us have peace.”

But I will not agin fall into harrow, or drag my readers
there, but will simply state that, in all the seens of beauty
and grandeur we looked on that day—and Miss Meechim
wanted to see all and everything, from magestick meetin’
houses and mansions, bearin’ the stamp of millions of dol-
lars, beautiful arches lifted up to heroes and the national
honor, even down to the Brooklyn Bridge and the Goddess
of Liberty—over all that memory rained supreme.

The Goddess of Liberty holdin’ aloft her blazin’ torch
rousted up the enthusiastick admiration of Dorothy and Miss
Meechim. But I thought as I looked on it that she kinder
lifted her arm some as I had seen my dear pardner lift his
up when he wuz a-fixin’ a stove pipe overhead; and that long
span uniting New York and Brooklyn only brought to me
thoughts of the length and strength of that apron-string to
which I clung and must cling even though death ensued.

Well, after a long time of sight-seeing we returned to
28 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

our hotel, and, after dinner, which they called luncheon, I
laid down a spell with Tommy, for I felt indeed tuckered
out with my emotions outside and inside. Tommy dropped
off to sleep to once like a lamb, and I bein’ beat out, lost
myself, too, and evening wuz almost lettin’ down her man-
tilly spangled with stars, when I woke, Tommy still sleepin’
peacefully, every minute bringin’ health and strength to him
I knew.

Miss Meechim and Dorothy had been to some of the big
department stores where you can buy everything under one
ruff from a elephant to a toothpick, and have a picture gal-
lery and concert throwed in. They had got a big trunk
full of things to wear. I wondered what they wanted of ’em
when they wuz goin’ off on another long journey so soon;
but considered that it wuzn’t my funeral or my tradin’ so
said nothin’.

Anon we went down and had a good supper, which they
called dinner, after which they went to the opera. Aronette
tended to packin’ their clothes, and offered to help me pack.
But as I told her I hadn’t onpacked nothin’ but my night-
gown and sheepshead night-cap I could git along with it,
specially as sheepshead night-caps packed easier than full
crowned ones.

So I took Tommy out for a little walk on the broad
beautiful sidewalks, and it diverted him to see the crowds
of handsomely dressed men and women all seemin’ to hurry
to git to some place right off, and the children who didn’t
seem to be in any hurry, and in seein’ the big carriages roll
by, some drawed by prancin’ horses, and some by nothin’ at
all, so fur as we could see, which rousted up Tommy’s won-
der, and it all diverted him a little and mebby it did me too,
and then we retired to our room and had a middlin’ good
night’s rest, though hanted by Jonesville dreams, and the
next morning we left for Chicago.

Dorothy had never seen Niagara Falls or Saratoga, so
we went a few milds out of our way that she might see
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFB 29

Saratoga’s monster hotels, the biggest in the world; and
take a drink of the healin’ waters of the springs that gushes
up so different right by the side of each other, showin’ what
a rich reservoir the earth is, if we only knew how to tap it,
and where.

We didn’t stay at Saratoga only over one train; but
drove through the broad handsome streets, and walked
through beautiful Congress Park, and then away to Niagara
Falls.

It wuz a bright moonlight night when we stood on the
bridge not far from the tarven where we had our sup—din-
ner, And Dorothy and Miss Meechim wuz almost speech-
less with awe and admiration, they said “ Oh, how sublime!
Oh! how grand!” as they see the enormous body of water
sweepin’ down that immense distance. The hull waters of
the hull chain of Lakes, or inland Seas, sweepin’ down in one
great avalanche of water.

I wanted dretfully to go and see the place where the cun-
ning and wisdom of man has set a trap to ketch the power
of that great liquid Geni, who has ruled it over his mighty
watery kingdom sence the creation, and I spoze always cal-
culated to; throwin’ men about, and drawin’ ’em down into
its whirlpool jest like forest leaves or blades of grass.

Who would have dremp chainin’ down that resistless,
mighty force and make it bile tea-kettles; and light babys to
their trundle beds, and turn coffee mills, and light up meetin’
houses, and draw canal boats and propel long trains of cars.
How it roared and took on when the subject wuz first broke
to it. But it had to yield, as the twentieth century ap-
proached and the millennium drew nigh; men not so very
big boned either, but knowin’ quite a lot, jest chained that
great roarin’ obstropulous Geni, and has made it do good
work. After rulin’ the centuries with a high hand nobody
dastin’ to go nigh it, it wuz that powerful and awful in its
might and magesty, it has been made to serve, jest as the
Bible sez:
30 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“He that is mightiest amongst you shall be your ser-
vant,” or words to that effect.

But it is a sight, I spoze, to see all the performances they
had to go through, the hard labor of years and years, to
persuade Niagara to do what they had planned for it to do.

But as I say, this great giant is chained by one foot, as
it were, and is doin’ good day’s works, and no knowin’ how
much more will be put on it to do when the rest of its
strength is buckled down to work. All over the great Em-
pire State, mebby, he will have to light the evenin’ lamps,
and cook the mornin’ meals, and bring acrost the continent
the food he cooks, and turn the mills that grinds the flour
to make the bread he toasts, and sow the wheat that makes
the flour, and talk for all the millions of people and play
their music for them—lI d’no what he won’t be made to do,
and Josiah don’t, but I spoze it is a sight to see the monster
trap they built to hold this great Force. We wanted to go
there, but hadn’t time.

But to resoom backwards a spell. Miss Meechim and
Dorothy was perfectly awe-struck to see and hear the Falls,
and I didn’t wonder.

But I had seen it before with my beloved pardner by my
side, and it seemed to me as if Niagara missed him, and its
great voice seemed to roar out: “Where is Josiah? Where
is Josiah? Why are you here without him? Swish, swash,
roar, roar, Where is Josiah? Where? Roar! Where?”

Oh, the emotions I had as I stood there under the cold
light of the moon, cold waters rushin’ down into a cold
tomb; cold as a frog the hull thing seemed, and full of a
infinite desolation. But I knew that if Love had stood there
by my side, personified in a small-sized figger, the hull seen
would have bloomed rosy. Yes, as I listened to the awe-
struck, admirin’ axents of the twain with me, them words
of the Poet come back to me: “ How the light of the hull
life dies when love is gone.”

“Oh,” sez Miss Meechim, as we walked back to the
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 81

tarven, takin’ in the sooveneer store on the way, “ oh, what
a immense body of water! how tumultous it sweeps down
into the abyss below!” I answered mekanically, for I thought
of one who wuz also tumultous at times, but after a good
meal subsided down into quiet, some as the waters of Niag-
ara did after a spell.

And Dorothy sez, “ How the grand triumphal march of
the great Lakes, as they hurry onwards towards the ocean,
shakes the very earth in their wild haste.”

I sez mekanically, “Yes, indeed!” but my thoughts wuz
of one who had often pranced ’round and tromped, and even
kicked in his haste, and shook the wood-house floor. Ah,
how, how could I forgit him?

And at the sooveneer stores, oh, how I wuz reminded of
him there! how he had cautioned me aginst buyin’ in that
very spot; how he had stood by me till he had led me forth
empty-handed towards the tarven. Ah well, I tried to shake
off my gloom, and Tommy waked up soon after our return
(Aronette, good little creeter! had stayed right by him), and
we all had a good meal, and then embarked on the sleeping
car. I laid Tommy out carefully on the top shelf, and cov-
ered him up, and then partially ondressed and stretched my
own weary frame on my own shelf and tried to woo the em-
brace of Morphine, but I could not, so I got up and kinder
sot, and took out my pad and writ a little more in my letter
to my help.

Sez I, “ Philury, if Josiah takes cold, steep some lobely
and catnip, half and half; if he won’t take it Ury must hold
him and you pour it down. Don’t sell yourself short of
eggs, Josiah loves ’em and they cost high out of season.
Don’t let the neighbors put upon him because I went off
and left him. Give my love to Waitstill Webb and Elder
White, give it to ’em simeltaneous and together, tell ’em
how much I think on ’em both for the good they’re doin’.
Tell Arvilly I often think of her and what she has went
through and pity her. Give a hen to the widder Gowdey
32 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR

for Christmas. Let Josiah carry it, or no, I guess Ury had
better, I am away and folks might talk. The ketch on the
outside suller door had better be fixed so it can’t blow open.
Josiah’s thickest socks are in the under draw, and the pieces
to mend his overhalls in a calico bag behind the clothes-
press door. Guard that man like the apples in your eyes,
Philury, and you'll be glad bime by. So no more. To be
continude.”

Agin I laid down and tried to sleep; in vain, my thoughts,
my heart wuz in Jonesville, so I riz up agin as fur as I could
and took my handkerchief pin offen the curtain where I had
pinned it and looked at it long and sadly. I hadn’t took
any picture of Josiah with me, I hadn’t but one and wuz
afraid I should lose it. He hain’t been willin’ to be took
sence he wuz bald, and I knew that his picture wuz engraved
on my heart in deeper lines than any camera or kodak could
do it. But I had a handkerchief pin that looked like him, I
bought it to the World’s Fair, it wuz took of Columbus.
You know Columbus wuz a changeable lookin’ critter in his.
pictures, if he looked like all on ’em he must have been fitty,
and Miss Columbus must have had a hard time to git along
with him. This looked like Josiah, only with more hair,
but I held my thumb over the top, and I could almost hear
Josiah speak. I might have had a lock of his hair to wep’
over, but my devoted love kep’ me from takin’ it; I knew
that he couldn’t afford to spare a hair with winter comin’
on. But I felt that I must compose myself, for my restless
moves had waked Tommy up. The sullen roar of the wheels
underneath me kep’ kinder hunchin’ me up every little while
if I forgot myself for a minute, twittin’ me that my pardner
had let me go away from him; I almost thought I heard
once or twice the echo, Grass Widder! soundin’ out under
the crunchin’ roar and rattle of the wheels, but then I turned
right over on my shelf and sez in my agony of sperit: Not
that—not grass.”

And Tommy called down, “ What say, grandma?” And
AROUND THE WORLD WI''H JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 33

I reached up and took holt of his soft, warm little hand and
sez: “Go to sleep, Tommy, grandma is here.”

“You said sunthin’ about grass, grandma.”

And I sez, ‘‘ How green the grass is in the spring, Tom-
my, under the orchard trees and in the door-yard. How
pretty the sun shines on it and the moonlight, and grandpa
is there, Tommy, and Peace and Rest and Happiness, and
my heart is there, too, Tommy,” and I most sobbed the last
words. .

And Tommy sez, “ Hain’t your heart here too, grandma?
You act as if you wuz ’fraid. You said when I prayed jest
now that God would watch over us.”

“ And he will, Tommy, he will take care of us and of all
them I love.” And leanin’ my weary and mournful sperit
on that thought, and leanin’ hard, I finally dropped off into
the arms of Morphine.
CHAPTER III

Wek ELL, we reached Chicago with no further coin-
cidence and put up to a big hotel kep’ by Mr.
and Miss Parmer. It seems that besides all the
money I had been provided with, Thomas J.
had gin a lot of money to Miss Meechim to
use for me if she see me try to stent myself any, and he had
gin particular orders that we should go to the same hotels
they did and fare jest as well, so they wanted to go to the
tarven kep’ by Mr. Parmerses folks, and we did.

I felt real kinder mortified to think that I didn’t pay no
attention to Mr. and Miss Parmer; I didn’t see ’em at all
whilst I wuz there. But I spoze she wuz busy helpin’ her
hired gifls, it must take a sight of work to cook for such a
raft of folks, and it took the most of his time to provide.

Well, we all took a long ride round Chicago; Miss Mee-
chim wanted to see the most she could in the shortest time.
So we driv through Lincoln Park, so beautiful as to be even
worthy of its name, and one or two other beautiful parks
and boolevards and Lake Shore drives. And we went at
my request to see the Woman’s Temperance Building; I
had got considerable tired by that time, and, oh, how a
woman’s tired heart longs for the only true rest, the heart
rest of love. As we went up the beautiful, open-work alle-
viator, I felt, oh, that this thing was swinging me off to
Jonesville, acrost the waste of sea and land. But imme-
giately the thought come “ Duty’s apron-strings,” and I
wuz calm agin.

But all the time I wuz there talkin’ to them noble wim-
men, dear to me because they’re tacklin’ the most needed
work under the heavens, wagin’ the most holy war, and

 

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 35

tacklin’ it without any help as you may say from Uncle Sam,
good-natered, shiftless old creeter, well meanin’, I believe,
but jest led in blinders up and down. the earth by the Whis-
key Power that controls State and Church to-day, and they
may dispute it if they want to, but it is true as the book of
Job, and fuller of biles and all other impurities and tribula-
tions than Job ever wuz, and heaven only knows how it is
goin’ to end.

But to resoom backwards. Lofty and inspirin’ wuz the
talks I had with the noble ones whose names are on the list
of temperance here and the Lamb’s Book of Life. How
our hearts burnt within us, and how the “blest tie that
binds ” seemed to link us clost together; when, alas! in my
soarinest moments, as I looked off with my mind’s eye onto
a dark world beginnin’ to be belted and lightened by the
White Ribbon, my heart fell almost below my belt ribbin’
as I thought of one who had talked light about my W. T.
C. U. doin’s, but wuz at heart a believer and a abstainer and
a member of the Jonesville Sons of Temperance.

A little later we stood and looked on one of the great
grain elevators, histin’ up in its strong grip hull fields of
wheat and corn at a time. Ah! among all the wonderin’
and awe-struck admiration of them about me, how my mind
soared off on the dear bald head afar, he who had so often
sowed the spring and reaped the autumn ears on the hills
and dales of Jonesville, sweet land! dear one! when should
I see thee again?

And as we walked through one of the enormous stock
yards, oh! how the bellerin’ of them cattle confined there
put me in mind of the choice of my youth and joy of my
middle age. Wuz he too bellerin’ at that moment, shet up
as he wuz by environin’ circumstances from her he wor-
shipped.

And so it went on, sad things put me in mind of him and
joyful things, all, all speakin’ of him, and how, how wuz I
to brook the separation? But I will cease to harrow the
36 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

reader’s tender bosom. Dry your tears, reader, I will pro-
ceed onwards.

The next day we sot off for California, via Salt Lake and
Denver.

Jest as we left the tarven at Chicago our mail wuz put
in our hands, forwarded by the Jonesville postmaster ac-
cordin’ to promise; but not a word from my pardner, roustin’
up my apprehensions afresh. Had his fond heart broken
under the too great strain? Had he passed away callin’ on
my name?

My tears dribbled down onto my dress waist, though I
tried to stanch ’em with my snowy linen handkerchief.
Tommy’s tears, too, began to fall, seein’ which I grabbed
holt of Duty’s black apron-strings and wuz agin calm on the
outside, and handed Tommy a chocolate drop (which healed
his woond), although on the inside my heart kep’ on a
seethin’ reservoir of agony and forbodin’s.

The next day, as I sot in my comfortable easy chair on
the car, knittin’ a little, tryin’ to take my mind offen trouble
and Josiah, Tommy wuz settin’ by my side, and Miss Mee-
chim and Dorothy nigh by. Aronette, like a little angel of
Help, fixin’ the cushions under our feet, brushin’ the dust
offen her mistresses dresses, or pickin’ up my stitches when
in my agitation or the jigglin’ of the cars I dropped ’em,
and a perfect Arabian Night’s entertainer to Tommy, who
worshipped her, when I hearn a exclamation from Tommy,
and the car door shet, and I looked round and see a young
man and woman advancin’ down the isle. They wuz a bridal
couple, that anybody could see. The blessed fact could be
seen in their hull personality—dress, demeanor, shinin’ new
satchels and everything, but I didn’t recognize ’em till Tom-
my sez:

“Oh, grandma, there is Phila Henzy and the man she
married!”

Could it be? Yes it wuz Phila Ann Henzy, Philemon
Henzy’s oldest girl, named for her pa and ma, I knew she
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 3%

wuz married in Loontown the week before. I’d hearn on’t,
but had never seen the groom, but knew he wuz a young
chap she had met to the Buffalo Exposition, and who had
courted her more or less ever sence. They seemed real glad
to see me, though their manners and smiles and hull de-
meanors seemed kinder new, somehow, like their clothes.
They had hearn from friends in Jonesville that I wuz on my
way to California, and they’d been lookin’ for me. Sez the
groom, with a fond look on her:

“Tam so glad we found you, for Baby would have been
so disappointed if we hadn’t met you.”

Baby! Phila Ann wuz six feet high if she wuz a inch, but
good lookin’ in a big sized way. And he wuz barely five feet,
and scrawny at that; but a good amiable lookin’ young
man. But I didn’t approve of his callin’ her Baby when she
could have carried him easy on one arm and not felt it. The
Henzys are all big sized, and Ann, her ma, could always
clean her upper buttery shelves without gittin’ up in a chair,
reach right up from the floor.

But he probable had noble qualities if he wuz spindlin’
lookin’, or she couldn’t adore him as she did. Phila Ann
jest worshipped him I could see, and the her, visey versey.
Sez she, with a tender look down onto him:

“ Yes, I’ve been tellin’ pa how I did hope we should meet
you.”

Pa! There wuz sunthin’ else I didn’t approve of; callin’
him pa, when the fact that they wuz on their bridal tower
wuz stomped on ’em both jest as plain as I ever stomped a
pat of butter with clover leaves. But I didn’t spoze I could
do anything to help or hender, for I realized they wuz both
in a state of delirium or trance. But I meditated further
as I looked on, it wouldn’t probable last no great length of
time. The honeymoon would be clouded over anon or be-
fore that. The clouds would clear away agin, no doubt, and
the sun of Love shine out permanent if their affection for
each other wuz cast-iron and sincere. But the light of this
38 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

magic moon I knew would never shine on ’em agin. The
light of that moon makes things look dretful queer and
casts strange shadders onto things and folks laugh at it but
no other light is so heavenly bright while it lasts. I think
so and so duz Josiah.

But to resoom forwards. The groom went somewhere
to send a telegram and Phila sot down by me for a spell;
their seat wuz further off but she wanted to talk with me.
She wuz real happy and confided in me, and remarked
“What a lovely state matrimony is.”

And I sez, “ Yes indeed! it is, but you hain’t got fur
enough along in marriage gography to bound the state on
all sides as you will in the future.”

But she smiled blissful and her eyes looked fur off in
rapped delight (the light of that moon shin’ full on her) as
she said:

“What bliss it is for me to know that I have got sunthin’
to lean on.”

And I thought that it would be sad day for him if she
leaned her hull heft, but didn’t say so, not knowin’ how it
would be took.

I inquired all about the neighbors in Jonesville and Zoar
and Loontown, and sez I, “I spoze Elder White is still doin’
all he can for that meetin’ house of hisen in Loontown, and
I inquired particular about him, for Ernest White is a young
man I set store by. He come from his home in Boston to
visit his uncle, the banker, in East Loontown. He wuz right
from the German university and college and preachin’ school,
and he wuz so rich he might have sot down and twiddled his
thumbs for the rest of his days. But he had a passion for
work—a passion of pity for poor tempted humanity. He
wanted to reach down and try to lift up the strugglin’ “ sub-
merged tenth.” He wuz a student and disciple of Ruskin,
and felt that he must carry a message of helpfulness and
beauty into starved lives. And, best of all, he wuz a follower
of Jesus, who went about doin’ good.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 39

When his rich family found that he would be a clergy-
man they wanted to git him a big city church, and he might
have had twenty, for he wuz smart as a whip, handsome,
rich, and jest run after in society. But no; he said there
wuz plenty to take those rich fat places; he would work
amongst the poor, them who needed him.

East Loontown is a factory village, and the little chapel
was standin’ empty for want of funds, but twenty saloons
wuz booming, full of the operatives, who spent all of their
spare time and most of their money there. So Ernest White
stayed right there and preached, at first to empty seats and
a few old wimmen, but as they got to know him, the best
young men and young wimmen went, and he filled their
hearts with aspiration and hope and beauty and determina-
tion to help the world. Not being contented with what he
wuz doing he spent half his time with the factory hands,
who wuz driven to work by Want, and harried by the mighty
foe, Intemperance. A saloon on every corner and block,
our twin American idols, Intemperance and Greed, taking
every cent of money from the poor worshippers, to pour into
the greedy pockets of the saloon-keepers, brewers, whiskey
men and the Government, and all who fatten on the corpse
of manhood.

Well, he jest threw himself into the work of helping
those poor souls, and helping them as he did in sickness and
health they got to liking him, so that they wuz willing to go
and hear him preach, which was one hard blow to the De-
mon. The next thing he got all the ministers he could to
unite in a Church Union to fight the Liquor Power, and
undertaking it in the right way, at the ballot-box, they got
it pretty well subdued, and as sane minds begun to reign in
healthier bodies, better times come.

Elder White not only preached every Sunday, but kep’
his church open every evening of the week, and his boys and
girls met there for healthful and innocent amusements. He
got a good library, all sorts of good games, music; and had
40 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

short, interesting lectures and entertainments and _ his
Church of Love rivalled the Idol Temples and drew away
its idol worshippers one by one, and besides the ministers,
many prominent business men helped him; my son, Thomas
J., is forward in helpin’ it along. And they say that besides
all the good they’re doing, they have good times too, and
enjoy themselves first-rate evenings. They don’t stay out
late—that’s another thing Elder White is trying to inculcate
into their minds—right living in the way of health as well
as morals. Every little while he and somebody else who is
fitted for it gives short talks on subjects that will help the
boys and girls along in Temperance and all good things.
The young folks jest worship ‘him, so they say, and I wuz
glad to hear right from him. Phila is a worker in his meetin’
house, and a active member, and so is her pa and ma, and
she said that there wuz no tellin’ how much good he had
done.

“When he come there,” sez she, “there wuz twenty
saloons goin’ full blast in a village of two thousand inhab-
itants and the mill operatives wuz spendin’ most all they
earnt there, leavin’ their families to suffer and half starve;
but when Elder White opened his Church of Love week day
evenin’s as well as Sunday, you have no idee what a change
there is. There isn’t a saloon in the place. He has made
his church so pleasant for the young folks that he has drawn
away crowds that used to fill the saloons.”

“Yes,” sez I, “ Thomas J. is dretful interested in it; he
has gin three lectures there.”

“Yes, most all the best citizens have joined the Help
Union to fight against the Whiskey Power, though,” sez
Phila, “there is one or two ministers who are afraid of con-
taminating their religion by politics. They had ruther stand
up in their pulpits and preach to a few wimmen about the
old Jews and the patience of Job than take holt and do a
man’s work in a man’s way—the only practical way, grapple
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 41

with the monster Evil at its lair, where it breeds and fattens
—the ballot-box.”

“Yes,” sez I, “a good many ministers think that they
can’t descend into the filthy pool of politics. But it hain’t
reasonable, for how are you a goin’ to clean out a filthy place
if them that want it clean stand on the bank and hold their
noses with one hand, and jester with the other, and quote
scripter? And them that don’t want it clean are throwin’
slime and dirt into it all the time, heapin’ up the loathsome
filth. Somebody has got to take holt and work as well as
pray, if these plague spots and misery breeders are ever
purified.”

“Well, Elder White is doin’ all he can,” sez Phila. “He
went right to the polls ‘lection day and worked all day; for
the Whiskey Power wuz all riz up and watchin’ and workin’
for its life, as you may say, bound to draw back into its
clutches some of the men that Elder White, with the Lord’s
help, had saved. They exerted all their influence, liquor
run free all day and all the night before, tryin’ to brutalize
and craze the men into votin’ as the Liquor Power dictated.
But Elder White knew what they wuz about, and he and all
the earnest helpers he could muster used all their power and
influence, and the election wuz a triumph for the Right.
East Loontown went no-license, and not a saloon curses its
streets to-day. North Loontown, where the minister felt
that he wuz too good to touch the political pole, went license,
and five more filthy pools wuz opened there for his flock to
fall into, to breed vile influences that will overpower all the
good influence he can possibly bring to bear on the souls
committed to his care.”

“ But,” sez I, “ he is writin’ his book, ‘ Commentaries on
Ancient Sins,’ so he won’t sense it so much. He’s jest car-
ried away with his work.”

Sez Phila, “ He had better be actin’ out a commentary
on modern sins. What business has he to be rakin’ over the
old ashes of Sodom and Gomorrah for bones of antediluvian
42 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

sinners, and leave his livin’ flock to be burnt and choked by
the fire and flames of the present volcano of crime, the
Liquor System, that belches forth all the time.”

“Well, he wuz made so,” sez I.

“Well, he had better git down out of the pulpit,” sez
Phila, “and let some one git up there who can see a sinner
right under his nose, and try to drag him out of danger and
ruin, and not have to look over a dozen centuries to find
him.”

“Well, I am thankful for Ernest White, and I have felt
that he and Waitstill Webb wuz jest made for each other.
He thinks his eyes of her I know. When she went and
nursed the factory hands when the typhoid fever broke out
he said ‘she wuz like a angel of Mercy.’”’

“They said he looked like a angel of Wrath ‘lection
day,” sez Phila. ‘ You know how fair his face is, and how
his clear gray eyes seem to look right through you, and
through shams and shames of every kind. Well, that day
they said his face fairly shone and he did the work of ten
men.”

“That is because his heart is pure,” sez I, “ like that Mr.
Gallyhed I heard Thomas J. read about; you know it sez:

““ His strength is as the strength of ten
Because his heart is pure.’

“And oh!” sez I agin, “ how I would love to see him
and Waitstill Webb married, and happy.”

“So would I,” sez Phila. “Oh, it is such a beautiful
state, matrimony is.”

“And he needs a wife,” sez I. ‘‘ You know he wouldn’t
stay with his uncle but said he must live with his people who
needed him, so he boards there at the Widder Pooler’s.”

' “Yes,” sez Phila, “and though she worships him, she
had rather any day play the part of Mary than of Martha—
she had rather be sittin’ at his feet and learnin’ of him—
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 43

than cookin’ good nourishin’ food and makin’ a clean, sweet
home for him. But he don’t complain.”

“What a companion Waitstill would be for him?” I sez
agin.

“Yes,” sez Phila, “but I don’t believe she will ever
marry any one, she looks so sad.”

“It seems jest if they wuz made for each other,” sez I,
“and I know he worships the ground she walks on. But I
don’t know as she will ever marry any one after what she
has went through,” and I sithed.

“She would marry,” sez Phila warmly, “if she knew
what a lovely, lovely state it wuz.”

How strange it is that some folks are as soft as putty on
some subjects and real cute on others. Phila knew enough
on any other subject only jest marriage. But I spozed that
her brain would harden up on this subject when she got
more familiar with it—they generally do. And the light of
that moon I spoke on liquefies common sense and a state,
putty soft, ensues; but cold weather hardens putty, and I
knew that she would git over it. But even as I methought,
Phila sez, “I must go to my seat, pa will be lookin’ for me.”
I see Miss Meechim smotherin’ a smile on her lace-edged
handkerchief, and Dorothy’s eyes kinder laughin’ at the
idee of a bride callin’ her husband “ pa.”

But the groom returned at jest that minute, and I intro-
duced ’em both to Miss Meechim and Dorothy, and we had
quite a good little visit. But anon, the groom mentioned
incidentally that they wuz a goin’ to live in Salt Lake City.

“Why!” sez I in horrow, “ you hain’t a goin’ to jine the
Mormons are you?”

And as I said that I see Miss Meechim kinder git Dor-
othy behind her, as if to protect her from what might be.
But I knew there wuzn’t no danger from the groom’s flirtin’
with any other female or tryin’ to git ’em sealed to him, for
quite a spell I knew that he felt himself as much alone with
Baby as if them two wuz on a oasis in the middle of the
44. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

desert of Sarah. I knew that it would be some months be-
fore he waked up to the fact of their bein’ another woman
in the world. And oh, how Phila scoffed at the idee of pa
jinin’ the Mormons. They had bought part of a store of a
Gentile and wuz goin’ to be pardners with him and kinder
grow up with the country. I felt that hey wuz a likely
couple and would do well, but rememberin’ Dorothy’s and
Miss Meechim’s smiles I reached up and stiddied myself on
that apron-string of Duty, and took Phila out one side and
advised her not to call her bridegroom pa. Sez I, “ You
hain’t but jest married and it don’t look well.”

And she said that “ Her ma always called her father pa.”

“Well,” sez I, “if you'll take the advice of a old Jones-
villian and well-wisher, you'll wait till you’re a few years
older before you call him pa.”

And she sez, lookin’ admirin’ly at him, ‘“‘ I spoze I might
call him papa.”

Well, you can’t put sense into a certain bump in any-
body’s head if it wuzn’t made there in the first place—there
are holler places in heads that you can’t fill up, do your best.
But oh! how her devoted love to him put me in mind of my-
self, and how his small-sized devotion to her—how it re-
minded me of him who wuz far away—and oh, why did I
not hear from him! my heart sunk nearly into my shues as
I foreboded about it. It seemed as if everything brung him
up before me, the provisions we had on the dining car wuz
good and plenty of ’em, and how they made me think of
him, who wuz a good provider. The long, long days and
nights of travel, the jar and motion of the cars made me
think of him who often wuz restless and oneasy. And even
the sand of the desert between Cheyenne and Denver, even
that sand brought me fond remembrances of one who wuz
sandy complected when in his prime. And oh! when did I
not think of him? Christmas had gone by, but how could
we celebrate it without a home to set up a Christmas tree,
or set out a table with good Jonesville vittles. How I
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 45

thought on him who made a holiday in my heart by his
presence, and always helped me put the leaves in the ex-
tension table.

Tommy wanted to hang up his little sfockin’, and did,
hangin’ it out like a little red signal of distress over the side
of his top shelf, and we filled it with everything good we
could git hold on.

Dorothy put in a little silver watch she had bought on
her travels, not bigger than a warnut, and Miss Meechim
put in some of the toys she had bought for children of her
acquaintance. I got a good little picture book for him in
Chicago, and a set of Authors, and Aronette gin him two
little linen handkerchiefs, hemstitched by herself, and his
name, “ Tommy,” worked in the corners. He wuz real
tickled with ’em all. I told Miss Meechim that I had hoped
to spend Christmas in Salt Lake City. Knowin’ that it wuz
a warm climate, I thought I could have a Christmas tree
out doors; I thought I could take one of them big pine trees
I had read on, and invite Brigham Young’s wives, the hull
on ’em, to my party, bein’ out doors I thought there would
be room for ’em all, poor creeters!

But Miss Meechim is very cautious, and she said that she
wuz afraid that such a party given by folks in my high posi-
tion might have a tendency to encourage polygamy.

And I said, “I would rather give a dollar bill than do
that, and mebbe I had better give it up, for we shan’t git
there in time, anyway.”

And so I did, and spent the Christmas holidays cn the
cars, and tried to keep my heart and mind in a Christmas
mood, but don’t spoze I did, so many fond recollections and
sad forebodin’s hanted me as the cars swep’ us on, on
through the valley of the Platte river on to Denver. Miss
Meechim, who is a power on dates, said that Denver wuz
five thousand two hundred feet above the sea.

And Tommy wonnered, wonnered who measured it, and
if they did it with a yard stick as his ma measured cloth,
46 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and then he wonnered if his ma missed her little boy, and
then he laid up aginst me and kinder cried a little, evan-
escent grief soon soothed.

We stayed in Denver two days, sallyin’ out to different
points of interest about it, and here I see irrigation carried
on, water carried into the channels around the crops and
trees some as I’ve dug little holes round my house-plants to
hold water; only of course Denver wuz carryin’ it on, on a
bigger scale. It is a handsome city with the water of the
Platte river brung in and running along in little streams
by the curbstones. We rode out to Idaho Springs on a
narrer railroad but easy goin’, through Clear Creek Canon.
I liked the looks of the Springs first-rate (they made me
think of Josiah).

All the way we see Chinamen oar hard and patient,
as is their wont, and their long frocks they had on made me
think of him I mourned for, and their hair hangin’ in long
braids down their back. So would his hair look if he had
any, and let it grow.

We had to go a little out of our straight way to visit Salt
Lake City but felt that it paid.
CHAPTER IV.

     
  
 

    
   

BS 77

Wie ALT LAKE lays in a rich valley at the foot of

© Cl
SIN aA a range of snow-capped mountains that tower
EROS up ‘round it, seemin’ to the saints, I spoze, as
en if they wuz heavenly ramparts to protect ’em
ee / from evil; and lookin’ to them that despise the
saints’ ways and customs, as if the very earth itself was liftin’
up its high hands in horrow at their deeds. But to me,
hanted as I wuz by a memory, the mountains looked some
like old men with white hair; as his would be when he got
older if he wuzn’t bald. I knew that I ort not to think on it,
but it would come onbid. It is a beautiful eity with electric
lights, electric railways, broad streets lined with lofty trees,
and little rivulets of pure cold snow-water runnin’ along the
side of ’em. The houses are clean and comfortable looking,
with well-kep’ lawns and gardens about ’em and flowering
shrubs. The temple is a magnificent building; it towers up
to heaven, as if it wuz jest as sure of bein’ right as our
Methodist Episcopal steeple at Jonesville. Though we know
that the M. E. steeple, though smaller in size, is pintin’ the
right way and will be found out so on that day that tries
souls and steeples and everything else.

The old Bee Hive (where the swarm of Mormons first
hived and made gall or honey—or mebby both)—1is also an
interestin’ sight to meditate on. It is shaped a good deal
like one of them round straw bee hives you see in old Sab-
bath School books. The bride and groom went to their own
home to live, on whom we called, or Tommy and I did, and
left ’em well situated and happy; and I told him, sez I: “If
you ’tend strict to the eighth commandment, you'll git along

first rate,”

>
Ch

 

T

    
48 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

And he said that he felt he could rise to any height of
goodness with Baby’s help. And she scoffed at the idee of
pa ever payin’ any attention to any other woman but her,
when he worshipped her so.

Well, so other men have felt and got led off, but I won’t
forebode. But I left ’em happy in their own cozy home,
which I wuz glad to think I could describe to Phileman and
Ann if I ever see that blessed haven, Jonesville, agin.

We went out to visit the Mineral Springs. It only took
us about ten minutes on the train, and it only took us about
half an hour to go to Garfield Beach. It is the only sand
beach on Salt Lake, and some say it is the finest beach in
the world, and they say that the sunsets viewed from this
spot are so heavenly bright in their glowin’ colors that no
pen or tongue can describe em. The blue-green waves wuz
dancin’ as we stood on the shore, and we wuz told that if we
fell in, the water would hold us up, but didn’t try it, bein’ in
sunthin’ of a hurry.

At Miss Meechim’s strong request we went on a pleasant
trip to York City through the valley of the River of Jordan.
How good that name sounded to me! How much like scrip-
ter! But, alas! it made me think of one who had so often
sung with me on the way home from evenin’ meetin’, as the
full moon gilded the top of the democrat, and the surround-
in’ landscape:

“By Jordan’s stormy banks we stand
And cast a wistful eye
On Canaan’s fair and happy land,
Where my possessions lie.”

Oh, human love and longing, how strong thou art! I
knowed that him meant the things of the sperit, but my
human heart translated it, and I sithed and felt that the Jor-
dan my soul wuz passin’ through wuz indeed a hard path-
way, and I couldn’t help castin’ a wishful eye on Jonesville’s
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 49

fair and happy land, where my earthly possession, my Jo-
siah, lay.

But to resoom. We had hearn that Polygamy wuz still
practised there, and we had hearn that it wuzn’t. But every
doubt on that subject wuz laid to rest by an invitation we
all had to go and visit a Mormon family livin’ not fur off, and
Miss Meechim and I went, she not wantin’ Dorothy to hear
a word on the subject. She said with reason, that after all
her anxiety and labors to keep her from marryin’ one man,
what would be her feelin’s to have her visit a man who had
boldly wedded ‘leven wives and might want a even dozen!

I could see it to once, so didn’t urge the matter, but left
Tommy with her and Aronette. As nigh as I could make
out, the Mormons had felt that Miss Meechim and I wuz
high in authority in Gentile climes, one on us had that air
of nobility and command that is always associated with high
authority, and they felt that one on us could do their cause
much good if they could impress us favorable with the cus-
tom, so they put their best twenty-four feet forward and did
their level best to show off their doctrine in flyin’ colors.
But they didn’t do any good to “one on us,” nor to Miss
Meechim, either; she’s sound in doctrine, though kinder
weak and disagreeable in spots.

Well, we found that this family lived in splendid style, and
the husband and all his pardners acted happy whether they
wuz or not. And I d’no ‘how or why it wuz, but when we
all sot down in their large cool parlor, Miss Meechim and I
in our luxurious easy chairs, and our host in one opposite
with his wife occupyin’ ’leven chairs at his sides, a feelin’ of
pity swep’ over me—pity for that man.

Yes, as I looked at that one lonely man, small boneded at
that, and then looked at them ‘leven portly wimmen that
called that man “ our husband,” I pitied him like a dog. I
had never thought of pityin’ Mormon men before, but had
poured out all my pity and sympathy onto the female Mor-
mons. But havin’ a mind like a oxes for strength, I begun

4
50 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

to see matters in a new light, and I begun to spozen to my-
self, even whilst I sot there with my tongue keepin’ up a light
dialogue on the weather, the country, etc., with the man and
his wife (leven on ’em). I spozed what if they should all
git mad at him at one time how wuz he goin’ to bear their
‘leven rages flashin’ from twenty-two eyes, snortin’ from
‘leven upturned noses, fallin’ from ‘leven angry voices, and
the angry jesters from twenty-two scornful hands. Spozein’
they all got to weepin’ on his shoulder at one time how could
one shoulder blade stand it under the united weight of leven
full-sized females, most two ton of ’em, amidst more’n forty-
four nervous sobs, for they would naterally gin more’n two
apiece. In sickness now, if they wanted to soothe his achin’
brow, and of course they would all want to, and have the
right to. But how could twenty-two hands rest on that one
small fore-top? Sixty-six rubs at the least figger, for if they
stroked his forehead at all they would want to stroke it three
times apiece, poor creeter! would not delerium ensue instead
of sooth? And spozein’ they all took it into their heads to
hang on his arm with both arms fondly whilst out walkin’
by moonlight, how could twenty-two arms be accommodated
by two small scrawny elbows?

It couldn’t be done. And as I mused on’t I spoke right
out onbeknown to me, and sez I:

“The Lord never meant it to be so; it hain’t reasonable;
it’s aginst common sense.”

And the hull twelve sez, “ What didn’t the Lord mean?
What wuz aginst common sense?”

And bein’ ketched at it, I sez, ‘‘ The Mormon doctrine; ”
sez I, ‘to say nothin’ on moral and spiritual grounds, and
state rights, it’s against reason and good sense.”

I felt mortified to think I had spoke out loud, but had to
stand my ground after I had said it.

But they all said that the Mormon doctrine wuz the true
belief, that it wuz writ in heaven, then it wuz engraved on
plates, and dug up by Joe Smith, a Latter Day Saint,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 51

Sez I, “If anybody trys to prove sunthin’ they want to,
they can most always dig up sunthin’ to prove it. You say
a man dug this plate up; what if some woman should go to
diggin’ and find a plate provin’ that one woman ort to have
‘leven husbands? ”

“Oh, no!” sez the man in deep scorn, “no such plate
could be found!”

The wimmen all looked as if they would kinder like to see
such dishes, but they all sez faintly, ‘‘ We don’t spoze that it
could be found.”

“But,” I sez, “ you don’t know how many plates there
are in the ground, nor who'll dig ’em up.”

“Oh, that idee is preposterous!” sez the man, as visions
of dividin’ one woman’s heart into eleven parts and reignin’
over that little mossel riz up before him. “ Men never
would agree to that; there would be mutiny, internal blood-
shed and sizm.”

“Well,” sez I, “mebby there is more or less internal heart
bleedin’ goin’ on in the wimmen’s hearts that have to divide
a man’s love and care a dozen times.” Sez I, ‘A hull man’s
hull affections are onstiddy and wobblin’ and oncertain
enough without dividin’ it up so many times.”

Them wimmen wuz touched. I see a answerin’ gleam of
understandin’ come into about twenty-one eyes as I spoke;
one on ’em stood firm and looked hauty and cast iron, but I
mistrusted it wuz a glass eye, but don’t know, it might have
been principle.

And even on the man’s small-sized countenance my words
had seemed to make a impression. But yet he didn’t want
to give up in a minute; he spoke of how the Mormons had
flourished since they come to Utah, how they had turned the
desert into a garden, and he felt that the Lord must look on
“em favorable or they wouldn’t be so prosperous.

“ Yes,” sez I, not wantin’ to lie, “ your country is beauti-
ful, it is in a flourishing state, and shows the good results of
systematic labor, industry and ambition; you have made the
52 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

desert bloom like the rosy, many of your ways and customs
might be follered with profit by older communities, and
more orthodox accordin’ to my idees. But I don’t know as
your flourishin’ in worldly affairs is any sign of God’s favor,”
and I mentioned the scripter concernin’ who it wuz that
flourished like the green bayberry tree. So bein’ driv out of
that argument, he sez, forgittin’ his own eleven proofs aginst
his story bein’ true:

“Polygamy is done away with anyway; the United States
have abolished it in Utah.”

And I sez: “Well, I should be glad to think that wuz so,
for one husband and one wife is as much as the Lord in his
mercy ort to ask one human creeter to tend to and put up
with. Not but what marriage is a beautiful institution and
full of happiness if Love props it up and gilds it with its
blessed ray. But one is enough,” sez I firmly, “ and enough
is as good as a feast.”

Miss Meechim sot silently by durin’ this eloquent discus-
sion—what she felt, she that abhorred the institution of mar-
riage anyway—what she felt to look on and see folks so much
married as these wuz, will forever remain a secret, but her
looks wuz queer, very,and her nose fairly sought the heavens,
it wuz held so high. A few of the wives brought in some
refreshments to refresh us, and a few more waited on us and
the small husband of their eleven hearts, and almost imme-
giately we tore ourselves away, takin’ in ourn as we left, the
hand of the husband and the eleven right hands of the wife.

That evenin’ I wuz told I wuz wanted in the parlor, and
as I entered quite a good lookin’ Mormon man got up and
advanced and broke out to once askin’ my help. He said
he’d read in the paper that I wuz there to that tarven, and
knowin’ I stood so high with the public he had ventered to
ask my help. He had political yearnin’s and wanted to set
in the Senate, but as I stood firm as iron again that idee his
linement grew almost frenzied, and sez he:

“Do help me, do use your influence with your President.
“£$ oBeg—.."
asvg—,,'0} nod quem J saya yas [[ Mod Jr yas 0} nod dyay [LJ

“

 

Cede
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 53

He's afraid of race suicide; tell him I’m the father of forty-
seven children—will not that touch his heart? ”

“ Not a mite!” sez I, “his heart is as true as steel to his
one wife and six children. It is a good manly heart that
can't be led off by any such brazen statements.”

His linement looked lurid and half demented as he sez,
‘“ Mebby some high church dignitaries would help me. Or
no,” sez he, “ go to the head of it all, go to the Liquor Power
—that’s the place to go to, that rules Church and State, that
makes the laws. Oh, do go to the Liquor Power, and git
it to let me set. I’ll pay their usual price for makin’ personal
laws in a man’s favor.” :

The cold glare in my gray eye froze the words on his lip.
“You ask me to go to the Liquor Power for help! Do you
know who youre speakin’ to?”

“Yes,” sez he feebly, ‘I’m speakin’ to Josiah Allen’s
wife, and I want to set.”

His axent wuz heartbroken and I fancied that there wuz
a little tone of repentance in it. Could I influence him for the
right? Could I frighten him into the right path? I felt I
must try, and I sez in a low, deep voice:

“Tl help you to set if you'll set where I want you to.”

“Oh, tell me! tell me,” sez he, “ where you want me to
set.”

“ Not in the high halls where justice is administered, not
up there with the pictures of your numerous wives on your
heart to make laws condemnin’ a man who has only one
extra wife to prison for twenty years, which same law would
condemn you to prison for ’most a century. That wouldn’t
be reasonable. Presidents and senators are sot up there in
Washington D. C. as examplers for the young to foller and
stimulate ’em to go and do likewise. Such a example as
yourn would stimulate ‘em too much in matrimonial direc-
tions and land ’em in prison.”

‘He muttered sunthin’ about lots of public men havin’
other wives in secret.
54 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“In secret?” sez I. “Well, mebby so, but it has to be in
secret, hid away, wropped in disgrace, and if the law dis-
covers it they are punished. That’s a very different thing
from makin’ such a life respectable, coverin ’em under the
mantilly of the law, embroidered too with public honors.”

He turned away despairin’ly and murmured mekanically
the old heart-broken wail, “ I want to set.’

And I sez reasonably, “ There is no objection to your
settin’ down, .and if I had my way you would set right by
them who have done only half or a quarter what you have
and in the place the laws have made for them and you.”

He turned quick as a wink, “Then you won’t help me?”

“Yes,” sez I, “I'll help all I can to put you right in with
the others that have done jest what you have—openly set
our laws at defiance. But if I know myself I won’t help a
tiger cat to hold a canary bird or a wolf to guard a sheep
pen. I won’t help a felon up on the seat of justice to make
laws for innocent men.”

“Innocent men!” And agin he sez “Ha! ha!”

And agin I didn’t care what he said. And I got up and
sez, “ You may as well leave the presence.” And as he
turned I sez in conclusion, thinkin’ mebby I’d been too hash,
“T dare say you have intellect and may be a good man so
fur as I know only in this one iniquity and open defiance of
our laws, and I advise you to turn right round in your tracks
and git ready to set down on high, for you'll find it a much
worse thing to prance round through all eternity without
settin’ than it is to not set here.”

He jest marched out of the door and didn’t say good bye
or good day or anything. But I didn’t care. I knowed the
minute his card wuz handed to me jest how many wives he
had and how he wuz doin’ all he could to uphold what he
called his religion, but I did hope I’d done him some good
but felt dubersome about it. But knowin’ I’d clung to
Duty’s apron strings I felt like leavin’ the event. And when
Miss Meechim come in T wuz settin’ calm and serene in a
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 55

big chair windin’ some clouded blue and white yarn, Aronette
holdin’ the skein. I’d brung along a lot of woollen yarn to
knit Josiah some socks on the way, to make me feel more
homelike.

And the next day we proceeded on to California.
CHAPTER V.

and happier as every revolution of the wheels
brought us nearer their old home, and they
talked about Robert Strong and other old
friends I never see.

 

“Be it ever so humbly,
There is no place like hum.”

My heart sung them words and carried two parts, one
sulferino and one bear tone. The high part caused by my
lofty emotions and sweet recollections of home, that hal-
lowed spot; the minor chords caused by feelin’s I have so
often recapitulated. Tommy, as the day wore on, went to
sleep, and I covered him tenderly on the seat with my little
shoulder shawl, and sot there alone; alone, as the cars bore
us onward, sometimes through broad green fields of alfalfa,
anon over a bridge half a mile long, from whence you could
look down and see the flowing stream beneath like a little
skein of silver yarn glistening in the sun fur below, agin
forests and valleys and farms and homesteads, and anon in
an opening through a valley, high bluffs, beautifully colored,
could be seen towering up over blue waters, up, up as if
they wuz bent on touching the fleecy clouds overhead. And
then a green sheltered valley, and then a high range of
mountains seen fur off as if overlookin’ things to see that
all wuz well, anon a big city, then a village, then the green
country agin, and so the pictures passed before me as I sot
there.

I had put on a pair of new cuffs and a collar, made for
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 5%

me and hemstitched by Waitstill Webb, and gin to me by
her, though I wanted to pay her. Sweet little creeter! how
good she wuz to me and to everybody, and I thought of
her sad history, and hoped that brighter days wuz ahead
on her. I d’no as I’ve told the reader much about her his-
tory, and mebby I might as well whilst we are rushin’ on
so fast, and Tommy is asleep.

Alan Thorne, the young man she wuz engaged to, wuz
brung up by a uncle who had a family of his own to love
and tend to, but he did his duty by Alan, gin him a good
education and a comfortable, if not affectionate, home in
his family. But it wuz a big family all bound up in each
other, and Alan had seemed like one who looks on through
a winder at the banquet of Life and Love, kinder hungry
and lonesome till he met Waitstill Webb. Then their two
hearts and souls rushed together like two streams of water
down an inclined plane. They literally seemed to be two
bodies with one heart, one soul, one desire, one aspiration.
He had always been industrious, honest and hard workin’.
Now he had sunthin’ to work for; and for the three years
after he met Waitstill he worked like a giant. He wuz
earning a home for his wife, his idol; how happy he wuz in
his efforts, his work, and how happy she wuz to see it, and
to work herself in her quiet way for the future.

He had bought a home about a mile out of the city,
where he was employed, and had got it all payed for. It
wuz a beautiful little cottage with a few acres of land round
it, and he had got his garden all laid out and a orchard of
fruit trees of all kinds, and trees and flowering shrubs and
vines around the pretty cottage. There wuz a little pasture
where he wuz to keep his cow and a horse, that she could
take him with to his work mornings and drive round where
she wanted to, and there wuz a meadow lot with a little
rivulet running through it, and they had already planned
a rustic bridge over the dancing stream, and a trout pond,
and she had set out on its borders some water lilies, pink
58 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and white, and Showy Ladies and other wild flowers, and
she jest doted on her posy garden and strawberry beds, and
they’d bought two or three hives of bees in pretty boxes
and took them out there; they had rented the place to a
old couple till they wanted it themselves. And every holi-
day and Sunday they walked out to their own place, and the
sun did not shine any brighter on their little home than the
sun of hope and happiness did in their hearts as they pic-
tured their life there in that cozy nest.

And Alan Thorne, after he loved Waitstill, not only tried
to win outward success for her sake; he tried to weed out
all the weaknesses of his nater, to make himself more worthy
of her. He said to himself when he would go to see her,
he would “ robe his soul in holiest purpose as for God him-
self.” His pa had at one time in his life drank considerable,
but he wuz not a drunkard, and he wuz a good bizness man
when the fever carried him off, and his young wife out of
the world the same year. Well, Alan wuz jest as industrious
as he could be, and with his happy future to look forward
to and Waitstill’s love and beloved presence to prop up his
manhood, everything promised a fair and happy life for
them both; till, like a thunder-cloud out of a clear sky come
that deafening report from Spanish brutality that blew up
the Maine and this nation’s peace and tranquillity. Dretful
deed! Awful calamity! that sent three hundred of our brave
seamen onprepared to meet their God—without a second’s
warning. Awful deed that cried to heaven for pity! But
did it bring back these brave fellows sleeping in Havana
harbor to their mothers, wives and sweethearts, to have
thousands more added to the list of the slain?

“Remember the Maine!” How these words echoed
from pulpit and Senate and palace and hovel; how they wuz
sung in verse, printed in poems, printed in flaming lines of
electric light everywhere) From city to country, you saw
and heard these words, “ Remember the Maine!”

I wondered then and I wonder now if the spirit of re-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 59

venge that swep’ through our nation at that time wuz the
spirit of the Master.

I d’no nor Josiah don’t, whether it wuz right and best
to influence the souls-of the young till they burnt at white
heat with the spirit that our Lord said his disciples must
avoid, for said he: ‘‘ Vengeance is mine, saith the Lord.”

Well, it is a deep question, deeper than I’ve got a line
to measure; and Josiah’s line and mine both tied together
don’t begin to touch the bottom on’t, for we’ve tried it time
and agin. We've argyed aginst each other about it, and
jined on and hitched our arguments together, and they didn’t
touch bottom then, nor begin to. As Mrs. Browning said
(a woman I set store by, and always did, I’ve hearn Thomas
J. read about her so much): “A country’s a thing men
should die for at need.”

Yes, to die for, if its safety is imperilled, that I believe
and Josiah duz, but I have eppisoded about it a sight, I’ve
had to. I methought how this nation wuz stirred to its
deepest depths; how it seethed and boiled with indignation
and wrath because three hundred of its sons wuz killed by
ignorant and vicious means; how it breathed out vengeance
on the cause that slew them; how it called To Arms! To
Arms! Remember the Maine! But how cool and demute
it stood, or ruther sot, and see every year sixty thousand
of its best sons slain by the saloon, ten-fold more cruel
deaths, too, since the soul and mind wuz slain before their
bodies went. No cry for vengeance as the long procession
of the dead wheeled by the doors of the law-makers of the
land; no cry: “To arms! to arms! Remember the Saloon.”
And more mysterious still, I eppisoded to myself, it would
have looked to see the Government rig out and sell to the
Spaniards a million more bombs and underground mines to
blow up the rest of our ships and kill thousands more of our
young men. Wouldn’t it have looked dog queer to the
other nations of the world to have seen it done?

But there they sot, our law-makers, and if they lifted
60 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

their eyes at all to witness the long procession of the dead
drift by, sixty thousand corpses yearly slain by the Saloon,
if they lifted their eyes at all to look at the ghastly proces-
sion, they dropped ’em agin quick as-they could so’s not to
delay their work of signin’ licenses, makin’ new laws, fixin’
over old ones, and writin’ permits to the murderers to go
on with their butchery. Queer sight! queer in the sight of
other nations, in the sight of men and angels, and of me and
Josiah.

Well, to stop eppisodin’ and resoom backwards for a
spell. Alan Thorne hearn that cry: “To arms! To arms!”
And his very soul listened. His grandfathers on both sides
wuz fighting men; at school and college he’d been trained
in a soldier regiment, and had been steeped full of warlike
idees, and they all waked up at his cry for vengeance. He
had just got to go; it wuz to be. Heaven and Waitstill
couldn’t help it; he had to go; he went.

Well, Waitstill read his letters as well as she could
through her blindin’ tears; letters at first full of love—the
very passion of love and tenderness for his sweetheart, and
deathless patriotism and love for his country.

But bime-by the letters changed a little in their tones—
they wuzn’t so full of love for his country. “ The country,”
so he writ, “ wuz shamefully neglecting its sons, neglecting
their comfort.” He writ they wuz herded together in quar-
ters not fit for a dog, with insufficient food; putrid, dretful
food, that no dog would or could eat. No care taken of their
health—and as for the health of their souls, no matter where
they wuz, if half starved or half-clad, the Canteen was always
present with ‘em; if they could git nothin’ else for their
comfort, they could always git the cup that the Bible sez:
“Cursed is he that puts it to his neighbor’s lips.” Doubly
cursed now—poisoned with adulteration, makin’ it a still
more deadly pizen.

Well, sickened with loathsome food he could not eat,
half starved, the deadly typhoid hovering over the wretched
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 61

soldier, is it any wonder that as the tempter held the glass
to his lips (the tempter being the Government he wuz fight-
in’ for) the tempted yielded and drank?

The letters Waitstill got grew shorter and cooler, as the
tempter led Alan deeper and deeper into his castle of Ruin
where the demon sets and gloats over its victims. When
the Canteen had done its work on the crazed brain and im-
bruted body, other sins and evils our Government had fur-
nished and licensed, stood ready to draw him still further
along the down-grade whose end is death.

Finally the letters stopped, and then Waitstill, whose
heart wuz broke, jined the noble army of nurses and went
forward to the front, always hunting for the one beloved,
and, as she feared, lost to ‘her. And she found him. The
very day that Alan Thorne, in a drunken brawl, killed Ar-
villy’s husband with a bullet meant for another drunken
youth, these wimmen met. A rough lookin’ soldier knelt
down by the dead man, a weepin’ woman fell faintin’ on his
still, dead heart; this soldier (‘twas Arville) wuz sick in bed
for a week, Waitstill tendin’ him, or her I might as well say,
for Arville owned to her in her weakness that she wuz a
woman; yes, Waitstill tended her faithfully, white and de-
mute with agony, but kep’ up with the hope that the Gov-
ernment that had ruined her lover would be lenient towards
the crime it had caused. For she reasoned it out in a
woman’s way. She told Arvilly “that Alan would never
have drank had not the Government put the cup to his lips,
and of course the Government could not consistently con-
demn what it had caused to be.” She reasoned it out from
what she had learnt of justice and right in the Bible.

But Arvilly told her—for as quick as she got enough
strength she wuz the same old Arvilly agin, only ten times
more bent on fightin’ aginst the Drink Demon that mur-
dered her husband. Sez Arvilly: ‘“ You don’t take into
consideration the Tariff and Saloon arguments of apologizin’
Church and State, the tax money raised from dead men,
62 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and ruined lives and broken hearts to support poor-houses
and jails and police to take care of their victims.” No;
Waitstill reasoned from jest plain Bible, but of course she
found out her mistake. Arvilly said: ‘‘ You'll find the nation
that opens its sessions with prayer, and engraves on its
money, ‘In God We Trust,’ don’t believe in such things.
You'll find their prayers are to the liquor dealers; their God
is the huge idol of Expediency.”

Alan Thorne wuz hung for the murder, guilty, so the
earthly court said. But who wuz sot down guilty in God’s
great book of Justice that day? Arvilly believes that over
Alan Thorne’s name wuz printed:

“Alan Thorne, foolish boy, tempted and ondone by the
country he was trying to save.” And then this sentence in
fiery flame:

“The United States of America, guilty of murder in
the first degree.”

Dretful murder, to take the life of the one that loved it
and wuz tryin’ to save it. _

Well, Arvilly’s last thing to love wuz taken from her
cruelly, and when she got strong enough she sot off for
Jonesville in her soldier clothes, for she thought she would
wear ’em till she got away, but she wuz brung back as a
deserter and Waitstill stood by her durin’ her trial, and after
Alan’s death she too wuz smit down, like a posy in a cy-
clone. Arvilly, in her own clothes now, tended her like a
mother, and as soon as she wuz able to travel took her back
to Jonesville, where they make their home together, two
widders, indeed, though the weddin’ ring don’t show on
one of their hands.

Waitstill goes about doin’ good, waitin’ kinder still, some
like her name, till the Lord sends her relief by the angel
that shall stand one day in all our homes. She don’t talk
much.

But Arvilly’s grief is different. She told me one day

,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE 63

when I wuz tellin’ her to chirk up and be more cheerful and
comfortable:

“TI don’t want to be comfortable; I don’t want to feel
any different.”

“Whyee, Arvilly!” sez I, “don’t you want to see any
happiness agin?”

“No, I don’t,” sez she, ‘I don’t want to take a minute’s
comfort and ease while things are in the state they be.”
Sez she, “ Would you want to set down happy, and rock,
and eat peanuts, if you knew that your husband and children
wuz drowndin’ out in the canal?”

“No,” sez I, ‘no, indeed! I should rush out there bare-
headed, and if I couldn’t save ’em, would feel like dyin’ with
em.”

“Well,” sez she, short as pie crust, “that’s jest how I
feel.”

I believe and so Josiah duz that Arvilly would walk right
up to a loaded cannon and argy with it if she thought it
would help destroy the Saloon, and after she had convinced
the cannon she would be perfectly willin’ to be blowed up
by it if the Saloon wuz blowed up too.

Well, I sot thinkin’ of all this till Tommy waked up and
we all went out into the dining car and had a good meal.
We wuz a little over two days goin’ from Salt Lake City
to San Francisco, and durin’ that time I calculated that I
eat enough dirt, that bitter alkali sand, to last lawful all my
life. I believe one peck of dirt is all the law allows one per-
son to consume durin’ their life. It seems as if I eat more
than enough to meet legal requirements for me and Josiah,
and I seemed to have a thick coatin’ of it on my hull person.
And poor little Tommy! I tried to keep his face clean and
that wuz all I could do.

But as we drew nearer to California the weather became
so balmy and delightful that it condoned for much that
wuz onpleasant, and I sez to myself, the lovely views I have
64 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

seen between Chicago and California I shall never forgit
as long as memory sets up in her high chair.

What a panorama it wuz—beautiful, grand, delightful,
majestic, sublime—no words of mine can do it justice. No.
I can never describe the views that opened on our admirin’
and almost awe-struck vision as the cars advanced through
natural openin’s in the mountains and anon artificial ones.

Why, I had thought that the hill in front of old Grout
Nickelson’s wuz steep, and the road a skittish one that
wound around it above the creek. But imagine goin’ along
a road where you could look down thousands of feet into
running water, and right up on the other side of you moun-
tains thousands of feet high. And you between, poor specks
of clay with only a breath of steam to keep you agoin’ and
prevent your dashin’ down into that enormous abyss.

But Grandeur sot on them mountain tops, Glory wuz
enthroned on them sublime heights and depths, too beau-
tiful for words to describe, too grand for human speech
to reproduce agin, the soul felt it and must leave it to
other souls to see and feel.

On, on through mountain, valley, gorge and summit,
waves of green foliage, rocks all the beautiful colors of the
rainbow, majestic shapes, seemin’ly fashioned for a home
for the gods; white peaks—sun-glorified, thousands of feet
high with blue sky above; ravines thousands of feet deep
with a glint of blue water in the depths, seemin’ to mirror
to us the truth that God’s love and care wuz over and un-
der us. And so on and on; valleys, mountains, clear lakes,
forests and broad green fields, tree sheltered farms, and
anon the broad prairie. It wuz all a panorama I never
tired of lookin’ at, and lasted all the way to California.

As our stay wuz to be so short in San Francisco, Miss
Meechim and Dorothy thought it would be best to go to a
hotel instead of openin’ Dorothy’s grand house; so we all
went to the tarven Miss Meechim picked out, the beauti-
fullest tarven that ever I sot eyes on, it seemed to me, and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 65

the biggest one. Havin’ felt the swayin’, jiggerin’ motion
of the cars so long, it wuz indeed a blessin’ to set my foot
on solid ground once more, and Tommy and I wuz soon
ensconced in a cozy room, nigh Miss Meechim’s sweet
rooms. For she still insisted on callin’ their rooms sweet,
and I wouldn’t argy with her, for I spoze they did seem
sweet to her.

Tommy wuz tired out and I had to take him in my arms
and rock him, after we’d had our supper, a good meal which
Miss Meechim had brung up into their settin’-room, though
I insisted on payin’ my part on’t (she’s a good creater,
though weak in some ways). Well I rocked Tommy and
sung to him:

“ Sweet fields beyend the swellin’ flood.”

And them sweet fields in my mind wuz our own orchard
and paster, and the swellin’ flood I thought on wuzn’t death’s
billers, but the waters that rolled between California and
Jonesville.

Not one word had I hearn from my pardner sence leavin’
New York.

“Oh, dear Josiah! When shall I see thee agin?” So
stung my heart, or ruther chanted, a deep solemn chant.
“Where art thou, Josiah, and when shall we meet agin?
And why, why do I not hear from thee?”

The next mornin’ after we arrived at San Francisco,
Robert Strong appeared at the hotel bright and early, and
I don’t know when I’ve ever seen anybody I liked so well.
Miss Meechim invited me into her settin’-room to see him.

Havin’ hearn so much about his deep, earnest nater and
deathless desire to do all the good he could whilst on his
earthly pilgrimage, I expected to see a grave, quiet man
with lines of care and conflict engraved deep on his sober,
solemn visage.

But I wuz never more surprised to see a bright, laughin’,
66 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

happy face that smiled back into mine as Albina Meechim
proudly introduced her nephew to me.

Why, thinkses I to myself, where can such strength of
character, such noble purpose, such original and successful
business habits be hidden in that handsome, smilin’ face and
them graceful, winnin’ ways, as he laughed and talked with
his aunt and Dorothy.

But anon at some chance word of blame and criticism
from Miss Meechim, makin’ light of his City of Justice and
its inhabitants, a light blazed up in his eyes and lit up his
face, some as a fire in our open fireplace lights up the spare-
room, and I see stand out for a minute on the background
of his fair handsome face a picture of heroism, love, en-
deavor that fairly stunted me for a time. And I never felt
afterwards anything but perfect confidence in him; no mat-
ter how light and trifling wuz his talk with Dorothy, or how
gay and boyishly happy wuz his clear laughter.

He had worked well and faithful, givin’ his hull mind
and heart to his endeavor to do all the good he could, and
now he wuz bound to play well, and git all the good and
rest he could out of his play spell. And I hadn’t been with
*em more’n several hours before I thought that I had seen
further into his heart and hopes and intentions than Miss
Meechim had in all her born days,

Robert Strong, before he went away, invited us all to
go and see his City of Justice, and we agreed with consid-
erable satisfaction to do so, or at least I did and I spoze the
rest did. Miss Meechim would be happy in any place where
her nephew wuz, that you could see plain, as much as she
disapproved of his methods. Dorothy, I couldn’t see so
plain what she did think, she bein’ one that didn’t always
let her lips say everything her heart felt, but she used Rob-
ert real polite, and we all had a real agreeable visit.

Robert got a big carriage and took us all out driving
that afternoon, Miss Meechim and I settin’ on the back
seat, and Robert and Dorothy facing us, and Tommy
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 6%

perched on Robert’s knee; Tommy jest took to him, and
visey-versey. Robert thought he wuz just about the bright-
est little boy he had ever seen, and Tommy sot there, a
little pale but happy, and wonnered about things, and Rob-
ert answered all his ‘“ wonners”’ so fur as he could.

We drove through beautiful streets lined with elegant
houses, and the dooryards wuz a sight. Think of my little
scraggly geraniums and oleanders and cactuses I’ve carried
round in my hands all winter and been proud on. And then
think of geranium and oleander trees just as common as
our maples and loaded with flowers. And palm and bananna
trees, little things we brood over in our houses in the winter,
and roses that will look spindlin’ with me, do the best I can,
in December, all growin’ out-doors fillin’ the air with
fragrance.

Robert Strong said we must go to the Cliff House, and
Tommy wanted to see the seals.

Poor things! I felt bad to see ’em and to think there
wuz a war of extermination tryin’ to be waged aginst ’em,
because they interfered with the rights of a few. One of
the most interesting animals on the Western continent! It
seems too bad they’re tryin’ to wipe ’em out of existence be-
cause the fishermen say they eat a sammon now and then.
Why shouldn’t they who more than half belong to the water-
world once in a great while have a little taste of the good
things of that world as well as to have ‘em all devoured by
the inhabitants of dry land? And they say that the seals
eat sharks too—I should think that that paid for all the
good fish they eat. But to resoom. Tommy didn’t think of
the rights or the wrongs of the seals, he ‘had no disquietin’
thoughts to mar his anticipations, but he wonnered if he
could put his hands through ’em like he could his ma’s seal
muff. He thought that they wuz muffs, silk lined—the
idee! And he “ wonnered”’ a sight when he see the great
peaceable lookin’ creeters down in the water and on the
rocks, havin’ a good time, so fur as we could see, in their
68 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

own world, and mindin’ their own bizness; not tryin’ to git
ashore and kill off the fishermen, because they ketched so
many sammons. And Tommy had to feed the seals and do
everything he could do, Robert Strong helpin’ him in every-
thing he undertook, and he “ wonnered ” if they would ever
be changed into muffs, and he “ wonnered ” if they would
like to be with “ ribbon bows on.”

At my request we went through Lone Mountain Ceme-
tery, a low mountain rising from the sandy beach full of
graves shaded by beautiful trees and myriads of flowers
bending over the silent sleepers, the resistless sea washing
its base on one side—just as the sea of Death is washing
up aginst one side of Life—no matter how gay and happy
it is.

We rode home through a magnificent park of two thou-
sand acres. Money had turned the sandy beach into a
wealth of green lawns, beautiful trees and myriads of flowers.
I had always sposed that them Eastern Genis in the “ Ara-
bian Nights” had palaces and things about as grand and
luxurious as they make, but them old Genis could have got
lots of pinters in luxury and grand surroundin’s if they'd
seen the homes of these nabobs in the environins of San
Francisco. No tongue can tell the luxury and elegance of
them abodes, and so I hain’t a goin’ to git out of patience
with my tongue if it falters and gins out in the task.
CHAPTER VI

Dorothy wuz to the lawyers, tendin’ to that
bizness of hern and gittin’ ready for their long
tower, Robert Strong took me through one
of them palaces. It stood only a little dis-
tance from the city and wuz occupied by one old gentleman,
the rest of the family havin’ died off and married, leavin’
him alone in his glory. Well said, for glory surrounded the
hull spot.

There wuz three hundred acres, all gardens and lawns
and a drivin’ park and a park full of magestick old live
oaks, and acres and acres of the most beautiful flowers and
all the choicest fruit you could think of.

The great stately mansion was a sight to go through—
halls, libraries, gilded saloons, picture galleries, reception
halls lined with mirrors, billiard rooms, bowling alleys, what-
ever that may be, dining rooms, with mirrors extending
from the floor to the lofty ceilin’s.

I wondered if the lonely old occupant ever see reflected
in them tall mirrors the faces of them who had gone from
him as he sot there at that table, like some Solomon on his
throne. But all he had to do wuz to press his old foot on a
electric bell under the table, and forty servants would enter.
But I’dno as he’d want ’em all—I shouldn’t—it would take
away my appetite, I believe. Twenty carriages of all kinds
and thirty blooded horses wuz in his stables, them stables
bein’ enough sight nicer than any dwellin’ house in Jones-
ville.

But what did that feeble old man want of twenty car-
tiages? To save his life he couldn’t be in more than one

 
70 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

to a time; and I am that afraid of horses, I felt that I
wouldn’t swap the old mair for the hull on ’em.

At my strong request we made a tower one day to see
Stanford University, that immense schoolhouse that is doin’
so much good in the world; why, good land! it is larger
than you have any idee on; why, take all the schoolhouses
in Jonesville and Loontown and Zoar and put ’em all to-
gether, and then add to them all the meetin’ houses in all
them places and then it wouldn’t be half nor a quarter so
big as this noble schoolhouse.

And the grounds about it are beautiful, beautiful! We
wuz shown through the buildin’, seein’ all the helps to learn-
ing of all kinds and the best there is in the world. And how
proud I felt to think what one of my own sect had done in
that great werk. How the cross of agony laid on her shoul-
ders had turned to light that will help guide over life’s tem-
pestenus ten millions yet onborn. And I sez: ‘‘ How happy
young Leeland must be to know his death has done such
grand work, and to see it go on.”

“Why,” sez Meechim, “how could he see it? He’s
dead.”

Sez I: “Don’t you spoze the Lord would let him see
what a great light his death has lit up in the werld. In my
opinion he wuz right there to-day lookin’ at it.”

“That is impossible,” sez she. “If he wuz there we
should have seen him.”

Sez I: “ You don’t see the x-rays that are all about you
this very minute; but they are there. You can’t see the
great force Marconi uses to talk with, but it walks the earth,
goes right through mountains, which you and I can’t do,
Miss Meechim. It is stronger than the solid earth or rock.
That shows the power of the invisible, that what we call the
real is the transitory and weak, the invisible is the lasting
and eternal. What we have seen to-day is sorrow chrystal-
ized into grand shapes. A noble young heart’s ideal and
asperations wrought out by loveng memory in brick and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE ‘1

mortar. The invisible guiding the eye, holding the hand of
the visible building for time and eternity.”

Miss Meechim’s nose turned up and she sniffed some.
She wuz a foreigner, how could she know what I said? But
Dorothy and Robert seemed to understand my language,
though they couldn’t speak it yet. And good land! I hain’t
learnt its A B C’s yet, and don’t spoze I shall till I git pro-
moted to a higher school.

Well, it wuz on a lovely afternoon that we all went out
to the City of Justice, and there I see agin what great wealth
might do in lightening the burdens of a sad world. Robert
Strong might have spent his money jest as that old man
did whose place I have described, and live in still better
style, for Robert Strong wuz worth millions. But he felt
different; he felt as if he wanted his capital to lighten the
burden on the aching back of bowed down and tired out
Labor, and let it stand up freer amd straighter for a spell.
He felt that he could enjoy his wealth more if it wuz shared
accordin’ to the Bible, that sez if you have two coats give
to him that hasn’t any, and from the needy turn not thou
away.

That big building, or ruther that cluster and village of
buildings, didn’t need any steeples to tell its mission to the
world. Lots of our biggest meetin’ houses need ’em bad
to tell folks what they stand for. If it wuzn’t for them
steeples poor folks who wander into ’em out of their stifling
alleys and dark courts wouldn’t mistrust what they wuz for.
They would see the elegantly dressed throng enter and pass
over carpeted aisles into their luxuriously cushioned pews,
and kneel down on soft hassocks and pray: “ Thy kingdom
come,” and “ Give us this day our daily bread,” and “ give
us what we give others.” These poor folks can’t go nigh
’em, for the usher won’t let ’em, but they meet ’em through
the week, or hear of ’em, and know that they do all in their
power to keep his kingdom of Love and Justice away from
the world. They herd in their dark, filthy, death-cursed
72 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

tenements, not fit for beasts, owned by the deacon of that
church, and all the week run the gauntlet of those drink
hells, open to catch all their hard-earned pennies, owned by
the warden and vestrymen and upheld by the clergymen
and them high in authority, and extolled as the Poor Man’s
Club. Wimmen who see their husbands enticed to spend
all their money there and leave them and their children
starving and naked; mothers who see their young boys in
whom they tried to save a spark of their childish innocence
ground over in these mills of the devil into brutal ruffians
who strike down the care-worn form of the one that bore
them in agony, and bent over their cradle with a mother’s
love and hope. As they see all this, and know that this is
the true meaning of the prayers put up in them elegant
churches, don’t they need steeples to tell that they’re built
to show Christ’s love and justice to the world? Yes, indeed;
they need steeples and high ones, too.

But this city of Robert Strong’s didn’t need steeples, as
Isay. It wuz Christianity built in bricks and mortar, prac-
tical religion lived right before ’em from day to day, com-
fortable houses for workmen, which they could hope to earn
and call their own. Pleasant homes where happy love could
dwell in content, because no danger stood round, hid in
saloons to ruin husband, son and father; comfortable houses
where health and happiness could dwell. Good wages,
stiddy work, and a share in all the profits made there; good
hard work whilst they did work, ensurin’ success and pros-
perity; but short hours, ensurin’ sunthin’ beyond wages.

A big house, called a Pleasure House, stood in the centre
of the broad, handsome streets, a sort of a centrepiece from
which streams of happiness and health flowed through the
hull city, some as them little rills of pure snow water flowed
through the streets of Salt Lake and Denver. Where all
sorts of innocent recreation could be found to suit all minds
and ages. A big library full of books. A museum full of
the riches of science and art. A big music hall where lov-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE %3

ers of music could find pleasure at any time, and where
weekly concerts was given, most of the performers being of
the musically inclined amongst the young people in the City
of Justice. A pretty little theatre where they could act out
little plays and dramas of a helpful, inspirin’ sort. A big
gymnasium full of the best appliances and latest helps to
physical culture. A large bathing tank where the white
marble steps led down to cool, sweet waters flowing through
the crystal pool, free to all who wanted to use it. A free
telephone linking the hull place together. I roamed along
through the beautiful streets and looked on the happy,
cheerful-faced workmen, who thronged them now, for their
short day’s work wuz ended and they wuz goin’ home. My
heart swelled almost to bustin’ and I sez almost unbeknown
to myself, to Robert Strong who wuz walkin’ by my side:
“We read about the New Jerusalem comin’ down to earth,
and if I didn’t know, Robert Strong, that you had founded
this city yourself, I should think that this wuz it.”

He laughed his boyish laugh, but I see the deep meanin’
in his clear, gray eyes and knew what he felt, though his
words wuz light.

“Oh no,” sez he, “we read that those gates are pearl;
these are just common wood, turned out by my workmen.”

Sez I, “ The pearl of love and good will to man, the
precious stun of practical religion and justice shines on these
gates and every buildin’ here, and I bless the Lord that I
have ever lived to see what I have to-day.” And I took
out my snowy linen handkerchief and shed some tears on it,
I was so affected.

Robert Strong wuz touched to his heart, I see he wuz,
but kep’ up, his nater bein’ such. Miss Meechim and Dor-
othy wuz walkin’ a little ahead, Tommy between ’em. And
anon we come to the house Robert lived in; not a bit better
than the others on that street, but a nice comfortable struc-
ture of gray stun and brick, good enough for anybody, with
wide sunshiny windows, fresh air, sunshine, plenty of books,
74 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

musical instruments and furniture good enough, but noth-
ing for show.

Here his motherly-looking housekeeper spread a nice
lunch for us. His overseer dined with us, a good-looking
chap, devoted to Robert Strong, as I could see, and ready
to carry out his idees to the full. Miss Meechim couldn’t
find anything, it seemed to me, to pick flaws in, but she did
say to me out to one side, “ Just think how Robert lives in
a house no better than his workmen, and he might live in
a palace.”

Sez I, warmly, ‘“‘ Robert Strong’s body may stay in this
comfortable brick house, good enough for anybody, but the
real Robert Strong dwells in a royal palace, his soul inhab-
its the temple of the Lord, paved with the gold and pearl
of justice and love, and its ruff reaches clear up into heaven
from where he gits the air his soul breathes in.”

“Do you think so? I never thought of it in that light;
I have thought his ideas was erroneous and so my clergy-
man thinks. Rev. Dr. Weakdew said to me there were a
great many texts that he had preached from all his life, that
if these ideas of Robert’s was carried out universally, would
be destroyed and rendered meaningless. Texts it had al-
ways been such a comfort to him to preach from, he said,
admonishing the poor of their duty to the rich, and comfort-
ing the poor and hungry and naked with assurances that
though hungry here they may partake of the bread of life
above, if they are humble and patient and endure to the end,
and though shivering and naked here, they may be clothed
in garments of light above.”

And I sez, “ Bein’ that we are all in this world at pres-
ent, I believe the Lord would ruther we should cover the
naked limbs and feed the starvin’ bodies here, and now,
and leave the futur to Him.”

But Miss Meechim shook her head sadly. “It sounds
well,” sez she, “ but there is something wrong in any belief
that overthrows Scripture and makes the poor wealthy.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 75

“Well,” sez I, “ if it wuz our naked backs that the snow
fell on, and the hail pelted, and our stomachs that wuz achin’
and faint for food, we should sing a different tune.”

“T trust that I should sing a Gospel tune in any event,”
sez she.

“Well,” sez I, “ we needn’t quarrel about that, for we
couldn’t feel much like singin’ in them cases. But if we did
sing I think a good hymn would be:

Blest be the tie that binds
Our hearts in Christian love.

“ And if the rich and poor, Capital and Labor would all
jine in and sing this from the heart the very winders of
heaven would open to hear the entrancin’ strains,” sez I.
But I don’t spoze I changed her mind any.

Dorothy bein’ naterally so smart, wuz impressed by all
we had seen, I could see she wuz, and when he wuzn’t look-
in’ at her I could see her eyes rest on Robert Strong’s face
with a new expression of interest and approval. But she
wuz full of light, happiness and joy—as she ort to be in her
bright youth—and she and Robert and Miss Meechim spoke
of the trip ahead on us with happy anticipations.

But I—oh, that deep, holler room in my heart into which
no stranger looked; that room hung with dark, sombry
black; remembrances of him the great ocean wuz a-goin’ to
sever me from—he on land and I on sea—ten thousand
miles of land and water goin’ to separate us; how could I
bear it, how wuz I goin’ to stand it? I kep’ up, made re-
marks and answered ’em mekanically, but oh, the feelin’s I
felt on the inside. How little can we tell in happy lookin’
crowds how many of the gay throng hear the rattle of their
own private skeletons above the gayest music!

Well, we got home to the Palace hotel in good season,
I a-talkin’ calmly and cheerfully, but sayin’ in the inside,
“?’Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam, be it
%6 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

ever so humbly there is no place like home.” My home
wuz my pardner, the place where he wuz would look better
than any palace.

I went up to my room and after gettin’ Tommy to bed,
who wuz cross and sleepy, I finished the letter to my help,
for we wuz goin’ to start in the mornin’.

“Oh, Philury!” the letter run, “ my feelin’s, you cannot
parse ’em, even if you wuz better grounded in grammar
than I think you be. Not one word from my beloved pard-
ner do I hear—is Josiah dead?” sez I. “ But if he is don’t
tell me; I could not survive, and Tommy has got to be went
with. But oh! if sickness and grief for me has bowed that
head, bald, but most precious to me, deal with him as you
would deal with a angel unawares. Bile his porridge, don’t
slight it or let it be lumpy, don’t give him dish-watery tea,
brile his toast and make his beef tea as you would read chap-
ters of scripter—carefully and not with eye service. Hang
my picter on the wall at the foot of the bed, and if it affects
him too much, hang my old green braize veil over it, you'll
find it in the hall cupboard.”

But why should I sadden and depress the hearts of a
good natered public? I writ seven sheets of foolscap, and
added to what I had already writ, it made it too big to send
by mail, so I put it in a collar box and sent it by express,
charges paid, for I knew the dear man it wuz addressed to,
if he wuz still able to sense anything, would like it better that
way. And then my letter sent off I begun to pack my hair
trunk anew.

Well, the day dawned gloriously. I spoze I must have
slep’ some, for when I opened my eyes I felt refreshed.
Tommy wuz awake in his little bed and “ wonnerin’” at
sunthin’ I spoze, for he always wuz, and breakfast wuz par-
took of by the hull party, for Robert Strong had come with
a big carriage to take us to the ship and took breakfast with
us, and soon, too soon for me, we stood on the wharf, sur-
rounded by a tumultous crowd, goin’ every which way;
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE ‘7

passengers goin’, visitors comin’, and officials from the ship
goin’ about tending to everything; trunks and baggage be-
ing slammed down and then anon being run onto the ship,
Miss Meechim’s, Dorothy’s and Robert Strong’s baggage
piled up on one side on us and I carefully keepin’ watch and
ward over a small-sized hair trunk, dear to me as my apples
in my eyes, because every inch on it seemed to me like a
sooveneer of that dear home I might never see agin.

As I stood holdin’ Tommy by the hand and keepin’ eagle
watch over that trunk, how much did that big ship look like
a big monster that wuz agoin’ to tear my heart all to pieces,
tearin’ my body from the ground that kep’ my pardner on
its bosom. Tears that I could not restrain dribbled down
my Roman nose and onto my gray alpacky waist; Dorothy
see ’em and slipped her kind little hand into mine and
soothed my agony by gently whisperin’:

“Maybe you'll get a letter from him on the ship, Aunt
Samantha.”

Well, the last minute come, the hair trunk had been tore
from my side, and I, too, had to leave terry firmy, whisperin’
to myself words that I’d hearn, slightly changed: “ Farewell,
my Josiah! and if forever, still forever fare thee well.” My
tears blinded me so I could only jest see Tommy, who I still
held hold of. I reached the upper deck with falterin’ steps.
But lo, as I stood there wipin’ my weepin’ eyes, as the him
sez, I hearn sunthin’ that rung sweetly and clearly on my
ears over all the conflicting sounds and confusion, and that
brung me with wildly beatin’ heart to the side of the ship.

“Samantha! stop the ship! wait for me! I am comin’!”

Could it be? Yes it wuz my own beloved pardner, madly
racin’ down the wharf, swingin’ his familiar old carpet
satchel in his hand, also huggin’ in his arms a big bundle
done up in newspaper, which busted as he reached the
water’s edge, dribblin’ out neckties, bandanna handker-
chiefs, suspenders, cookies, and the dressin’ gown with tos-
sels.:
%8 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

He scrambled after em as well as he could in his fearful
hurry, and his arms bein’ full, he threw the dressin’ gown
round his shoulders and madly raced over the gang plank,
still emitting that agonizing cry: “ Samantha, wait for me!
stop the ship!” which ke kep’ up after I had advanced on-
ward and he held both my hands in hisen.

Oh, the bliss of that moment! No angel hand, no re-
porter even for the New York papers could exaggerate the
blessedness of that time, much as they knew about exag-
geration. Tears of pure joy ran down both our. faces, and
all the sorrows of the past seperation seemed to dissolve in
a golden mist that settled down on everything round us and
before us. The land looked good, the water looked good,
the sky showered down joy as well as sunshine; we wuz
together once more. We had no need of speech to voice
our joy; but anon Josiah did say in tremblin’ axents as he
pressed both my hands warmly in hisen: “ Samantha, I’ve
come!” And I, too, sez in a voice tremblin’ with emotion:

“ Dear Josiah, I see you have.” And then I sez tenderly
as I helped him off with the dressin’ gown: “I thought you
said you couldn’t leave the farm, Josiah.”

“ Well, I wuz leavin’ it; I wuz dyin’; I thought I might
as well leave it one way as t’other. I couldn’t live without
you, and finally I ketched up what clothes I could in my
hurry and sot out, thinkin’ mebby I could ketch you in
Chicago. You see I have got my dressin’ gown and plenty
of neckties.”

“ Well,” sez I in my boundless joy and content, “ there
are things more necessary on a long sea voyage than neck-
ties, but I’ve got some socks most knit, and I can buy some
underclothes, and we will git along first rate.” ‘‘ Yes, Arvilly
said so.” Sez he, “ Arvilly told me you’d manage.”

“ Arvilly?”’ sez I, in surprised axents.

“Yes, Arvilly concluded to come too. She said that if
you hadn’t started so quick she should have come with you.
But when she found out I was comin’ she jest set right off
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 179

with me. She’s brung along that book she’s agent for,
‘The Twin Crimes of America: Intemperance and Greed.’
She thinks she can most pay her way sellin’ it. She jest
stopped on the wharf to try to sell a copy to a minister.
But here she is.” And, sure enough, she that wuz Arvilly
Lanfear advanced, puttin’ some money in her pocket, she
had sold her book. Well, I wuz surprised, but glad, for I
pitied Arvilly dretfully for what she had went through, and
liked her. Two passengers had gin up goin’ at the last
minute or they couldn’t have got tickets.

I advanced towards her and sez: “ Arvilly Lanfear! or
she that wuz, is it you?”

“Yes, I’ve come, and if ever a human creeter come
through sufferin’ I have. Why, I’ve been agent for ‘ The
Wild Deeds of Men’ for years and years, but I never knew
anything about ’em till I come on this tower. I thought
that I should never git that man here alive. He has wep’
and wailed the hull durin’ time for fear we shouldn’t ketch
you.”

“Oh, no, Arvilly!”’ sez the joyous-lookin’ Josiah.

“T can prove it!” sez she, catchin’ out his red and yel-
ler bandanna handkerchief from his hat, where he always
carries it: “ Look at that, wet as sop!” sez she, as she held
it up. It wuz proof, Josiah said no more.

“T knew we should ketch you, for I knew you would
stop on the way. I thought I would meet you at the deepo
to surprise you. But I had to bank my house; I wuzn’t
goin’ to leave it to no underlin’ and have my stuff freeze.
But when I hern that Josiah wuz comin’ I jest dropped my
spade—I had jest got done—ketched up my book and threw
my things into my grip, my trunk wuz all packed, and here
I am, safe and sound, though the cars broke down once and
we wuz belated. We have just traipsed along a day or two
behind you all the way from Chicago, I not knowin’ whether
I could keep him alive or not.”

Sez I fondly, “ What devoted love!”
80 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“What a natural fool!” sez Arvilly. “ Did it make it
any better for him to cry and take on? That day we broke
down and had to stop at a tarven I wuz jest mad enough,
and writ myself another chapter on ‘The Wild Deeds of
Men,’ and am in hopes that the publisher will print it. It
will help the book enormously I know. How you've stood
it with that man all these years, I don’t see; rampin’ round,
tearin’ and groanin’ and actin’. He didn’t act no more like
a perfessor than—than Captain Kidd would if he had been
travelin’ with a neighborin’ female, pursuin’ his wife, and
that female doin’ the best she could for him. I kep’ tellin’
him that he would overtake you, but I might as well have
talked to the wind—a.equinoctial gale,” sez she. Josiah
wuz so happy her words slipped offen him without his
sensin’ ’em and I wuz too happy to dispute or lay anything
up, when she went on and sez:

“T spoze that folks thought from our jawin’ so much
that we wuz man and wife; and he a yellin’ out acrost the
sleeper and kinder cryin’, and I a hollerin’ back to him to
‘shet up and go to sleep!’ It is the last time I will ever
try to carry a man to his wife; but I spozed when I started
with him, he bein’ a perfessor, he would act different!”

“Well,” sez I, in a kind of a soothin’ tone, “I’m real
glad you’ve come, Arvilly; it will make the ship seem more
like Jonesville, and I know what you have went through.”

“ Well,” sez she, “no other livin’ woman duz unless it is
you.” She Kep’ on thinkin’ of Josiah, but I waved off that
idee; I meant her tribulations in the army. And I sez,
“You may as well spend your money travelin’ as in any
other way.” of

“Yes, I love to travel when I can travel with human
creeters, and I might as well spend my money for myself
as to leave it for my cousins to fight over, and I can pay
my way mostly sellin’ my book; and I’ve left my stuff so it
won't spile.”

“Where is Waitstill Webb?” sez I.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 81

“Oh, Waitstill has gone back to be a nurse—she’s gone
to the Philippines.”

Sez I gladly, “ Then we shall see her, Arvilly.”

“ Yes,” sez she, “and that wuz one reason that I wanted
to go, though she’s acted like a fool, startin’ off agin to help
the govermunt. I’ve done my last work for it, and I told
her so; I sez, if see the govermunt sinkin’ in a mud hole I
wouldn’t lift a finger to help it out. I always wanted to see
China and Japan, but never spozed I should.”

“Tt is a strange Providence, indeed, Arvilly, that has
started us both from Jonesville to China. But,” sez I, “ let
me make you acquainted with the rest of our party,” and I
introduced ’em. Josiah wuz embracin’ Tommy and bein’
embraced, and he had seen ’em all but Robert Strong.
CHAPTER VII

      

eB 4N a few minutes the great ship begun to breathe

hard, as if tryin’ to git up strength for the
move, and kinder shook itself, and gin a few
hoarse yells, and sot off, seemin’ to kinder
tremble all over with eagerness to be gone.
Ae so we sot sail, but ship and shore and boundless water
all looked beautiful and gay to me. What a change, what
a change from the feelin’s I had felt; then the cold spectral
moonlight of loneliness rested on shore and Golden Gate,
now the bright sun of love and happiness gilded ’em with
their glorious rays, and I felt well. Well might Mr. Drum-
mond say, “ Love is the greatest thing in the world.” And
as I looked on my precious pardner I bethought fondly, no
matter how little a man may weigh by the steelyards, or
how much a Arvilly may make light on him, if Love is en-
throned in his person he towers up bigger than the hull
universe. And so, filled with joy radiatin’ from the presence
of the best beloved, and under the cloudless sunshine of
that glorious day, I set out on my Trip Abroad. Yes, I wuz
once more embarked on that great watery world that lays
all round us and the continents, and we can’t help ourselves.

And the days follered one another along in Injin file,
trampin’ silently and stiddily on, no matter where we be or
what we do. So we sailed on and on, the ship dashin’ along
at I don’t know how many knots an hour. Probably the
knots would be enough if straightened out to make a hull
hank of yarn, and mebby more. Part of the time the waves
dashin’ high. Mebby the Pacific waves are a little less tumul-
tous and high sweepin’ than the Atlantic, a little more pacific
as it were, but they sway out dretful long, and dash up dret-

Ne
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 83

ful high, bearin’ us along with ’em every time, up and down,
down and up, and part of the time our furniture and our
stomachs would foller ‘em and sway, too, and act. The
wind would soar along, chasin’ after us, but never quite
ketchin’ us; sometimes abaft, sometimes in the fo’castle,
whatever that may be.

And under uz wuz the great silent graveyard, the sol-
emn, green aisles, still and quiet, and no knowin’ how soon
we should be there, too, surrounded by the riches of that
lost world of them that go down in ships, but not doin’ us
any good. Only a board or two and some paint between
us and destruction (but then I don’t know as we are sep-
erated any time very fur from danger, earthquakes, tornados
and such). And good land! I would tell myself and Josiah,
for that matter I’ve known wimmen to fall right out of their
chairs and break themselves all up more or less, and fall
offen back steps and suller stairs and such. But ’tennyrate
I felt real riz up as I looked off on the heavin’ billers, and
Faith sez to me, ‘“ Why should I fear since I sailed with
God. The seas, I am journeying, I told myself with Duty
on one side of me and on the other side Josiah, and the sun
of Love over all. I got along without any seasickness to
speak of, but my pardner suffered ontold agonies—or no,
they wuzn’t ontold, he told ’em all to me—yes, indeed!

Tommy “ wonnered” what made the big vessel sail on
so fast, and what made so much water, where it all come
from, and where it wuz all goin’ to. And at night he would
lay on his little shelf and “ wonner” what the wind wuz
sayin’; one night he spoke out kinder in rhyme, sez he:
“ Grandma, do you know what the wind is sayin?” And I
Sez:

“No, dear lamb; what is it sayin’?” It has sounded
dretful, kinder wild and skairful to me, and so it had to
Josiah, I knew by the sithes he had gin. Sez Tommy, it sez:

“Don’t be afraid my little child,
God will take care of you all the while.”
84 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

And I sez, “ Thank you, Tommy, you’ve done me good.”
And I noticed that Josiah seemed more contented and
dropped off to sleep real sweet, though he snored some.
Sometimes Tommy would ‘“ wonner ” what seasickness wuz
like, if it wuz any like measles, but didn’t find out, for
he wuzn’t sick a day, but wandered about the great ship,
happy as a king, making friends everywhere, though Rob-
ert Strong remained his chief friend and helper. Dorothy
wuz more beautiful than ever it seemed to me, a.shadow
of paleness over her sweet face peeping out from the white
fur of her cunning little pink hood, makin’ her look sweeter
than ever. There wuz two or three handsome young men
on board who appreciated her beauty, and I spoze the gold
setting of her charming youth. But Miss Meechim called
on Robert Strong to help protect her, which he did will-
ingly enough, so fur as I could see, by payin’ the most de-
voted attention to her himself, supplying every real or fan-
cied want, reading to and with her, and walking up and
down the deck with her, she leanin’ on his arm in slippery
times.

“Dear boy!” said Miss Meechim, “ how lovely he is to
me. He would much rather spend his time with the. men
in the smoking and reading room, but he has always been
just so; let me express a wish and he flies to execute it.
He knows that I wouldn’t have Dorothy marry for all the
world, and had it not been for his invaluable help I fear that
she would have fallen a prey to some man before this.”

“She is a pretty girl,” sez I, “ pretty as a pink rosy.”

“Yes,” sez she, “she is a sweet girl and as good as she
is beautiful.”

There was the usual variety of people on the ship. The
rich family travelin’ with children and servants and unlim-
ited baggage; the party of school girls with the slim talka-
tive teacher in spectacles, tellin’ ’em all the pints of interest,
and stuffin’ *°em with knowledge gradual but constant; the
stiddy goin’ business men and the fashionable ones; the mar-
‘Pg aseg—diys ayi ‘uo gfdoad jo Ajarea yensn ay} ZNM aray]

  
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 85

ried flirt and the newly married bride and husband, sheep-
ish lookin’ but happy; old wimmen and young ones; young
men and old ones; the sick passenger confined to his bed,
but devourin’ more food than any two well ones—seven
meals a day have I seen carried into that room by the stew-
ard, while a voice weak but onwaverin’ would call for more.
There wuz a opera singer, a evangelist, an English noble-
man, and a party of colored singers who made the night
beautiful sometimes with their weird pathetic melodies.

There wuz two missionaries on board, one the Rev. Dr.
Wessel, real dignified actin’ and lookin’—he wuz goin’ out
as a missionary to China, and a young lady going out as a
missionary to Africa, Evangeline Noble—she wuz a member
of some kind of a sisterhood, so she wuz called Sister Evan-
geline. I sot a sight of store by her the first time I laid
eyes on her. Anybody could see that she wuz one of the
Lord’s anointed, and like our cousin John Richard, who
went out as a missionary to Africa several years ago, she
only wanted the Lord’s will pinted out to her to foller it to
the death if necessary. Livin’ so nigh to the Kingdom as
she did she couldn’t help its breezes fannin’ her tired fore-
head occasionally, and the angels’ songs and the sound of
the still waters from reachin’ her soul. She had left a
luxurious home, all her loved ones, a host of friends, and
wuz goin’ out to face certain hardships, and probable sick-
ness and death amongst a strange half savage people, and
yet she had about the happiest face I ever saw. His peace
wuz writ down on her brow. Her Lord journeyed with her
and told her from day to day what he wanted her to do.
After we got well acquainted she told me that ever since
her conversion there were times when she became uncon-
scious to things on earth, but her soul seemed to be ketched.
up to some other realm, where He, who wuz her constant
helper and guide, told her what to do. I told Josiah about
it, and he sez:
86 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“T’d ruther see that than hear on’t. How can she be
ketched up, weighin’ pretty nigh two hundred?”

Sez I, “ Your views are material, Josiah. I said her soul
wuz ketched up.”

“Oh, well, my soul and body has ginerally gone together
where I’ve went.”

‘“‘T don’t doubt that,” sez I, “not at all. Spiritual things
are spiritually discerned.”

“Well,” sez he, “I’ve hearn a sight about such things
as that, but I’d ruther see ’em myself.”

Well, it wuzn’t but a day or two after that that he had
a chance to see if he had eyes. Sister Evangeline wuz set-
tin’ with Josiah and me on the deck, and all of a sudden
while she wuz talkin’ to us about her future life and work
in Africa, her face took on a look as yourn would if your
attention had been suddenly arrested by a voice calling you.
She looked off over the water as if it wuzn’t there, and I
felt that someone wuz talkin’ to her we couldn’t see—her
face had jest that look, and at last I hearn her murmur in a
low voice:

“Yes, Master, I will go.”

And most immegiately her soul seemed to come back
from somewhere, and she sez to me:

“T am told that there is a poor woman amongst the
steerage passengers that needs me.” And she riz right up
and started, like Paul, not disobedient to the Heavenly vis-
ion, not for a minute. She told me afterward that she found
a woman with a newly-born child almost dying for want of
help. She was alone and friendless, and if Sister Evangeline
hadn’t reached her just as she did’ they would both have
died. She wuz a trained nurse, and saved both their lives,
and she wuz as good as she could be to ’em till we reached
port, where the woman’s husband wuz to meet her.

Josiah acted stunted when I told him, but sez weakly,
“T believe she hearn the woman holler.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLENS WIFE 8%

And I sez, “ She wuz fainted away, how could she hol-
ler?”

And he sez, “It must be a heavy faint that will keep a
woman from talkin’.”

The other missionary, Elder Wessel, I didn’t set quite
so much store by. His only child Lucia wuz on board going
out to China with a rich tea merchant’s family as a gover-
ness for their little daughter, and some one told me that
one reason that Elder Wessel hearn such a loud call to go
as a missionary to China was because Lucia wuz goin’ there.

Now, there wuz a young chap over in Loontown who
had tried doctorin’ for a year or two and didn’t make much
by it, and he thought he see a sign up in the heavens, G. P.,
and he gin out that he had had a call “go preach,” and
went to preachin’, and he didn’t make so well by that as he
did by his doctorin’, and then he gin out that he had made
a mistake in readin’ the letters; instead of goin’ to preach
they meant “ give pills,” so he went back to his doctorin’
agin, and is doin’ first rate. That wuzn’t a call.

But to resoom. Elder Wessel jest worshipped this
daughter, and thought she wuz the sweetest, dearest gir] in
the world. And she wuz a pretty girl with soft, bright in-
nocent eyes. She wuz educated in a convent, and had the
sweet, gentle manners and onworldly look that so many
convent-bred girls have. She and Aronette struck up a
warm friendship, though her pa wouldn’t have allowed it
I spoze if he hadn’t seen how much store we all sot by
Aronette.

We got real well acquainted’ with Elder Wessel and
Lucia; and her proud pa wuz never tired of singin’ her
praises or ruther chantin’ ’em—he wuz too dignified to sing.
Arvilly loved to talk with him, though their idees wuz about
as congenial as ile and water. He wuz real mild and con-
servative, always drinked moderate and always had wine on
his table, and approved of the canteen and saloon, which he
extolled as the Poor Man’s Club. He thought that the
88 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

government wuz jest right, the big trusts and license laws
jest as they should be.

Arvilly dearly loved to send sharp arrows of sarkasm
and argument through his coat armor of dignified com-
placency and self-esteem, for truly his idees wuz to her like
a red rag to a bull.

Miss Meechim kinder looked down on Arvilly, and I
guess Arvilly looked down on her. You know it happens
so sometimes—two folks will feel real above each other,
though it stands to reason that one of ’em must be mistook.
Miss Meechim thought she wuz more genteel than Arvilly,
and was worth more, and I guess she had had better advan-
tages. And Arvilly thought she knew more than Miss Mee-
chim, and I guess mebby she did. Miss Meechim thought
she wuz jest right herself, she thought her native land wuz
jest right and all its laws and customs, and naterally she
looked down dretfully on all foreigners. She and Arvilly
had lots of little spats about matters and things, though Miss
Meechim wuz so genteel that she kep’ her dignity most of
the time, though Arvilly gin it severe raps anon or oftener.

But one tie seemed to unite ’em a little—they wuz real
congenial on the subject of man. They both seemed to
cherish an inherent aversion to that sect of which my pard-
ner is an ornament, and had a strong settled dislike to matri-
mony; broken once by Arvilly, as a sailor may break his
habit of sea-faring life by livin’ on shore a spell, but still
keepin’ up his love for the sea.

But of their talks together and Arvilly’s arguments with
Elder Wessel more anon and bime by. Arvilly stood up
aginst the sea-sickness as she would aginst a obstinate sub-
scriber, and finally brought the sickness to terms as she
would the buyer, on the third day, and appeared pale but
triumphant, with a subscription book in her hand and the
words of her prospectus dribblin’ from her lips. She had
ordered a trunkful to sell on sight, but Arvilly will never
git over what she has went through, never.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 89

As the days went on the big ship seemed more and more
to us like a world, or ruther a new sort of a planet we wuz
inhabitin’—it kinder seemed to be the centre of the universe.
I overheard a woman say one day how monotonous the life
wuz. But I thought to myself, mebby her mind wuz kinder
monotonous—some be, you know, made so in the first on’t;
I found plenty enough to interest me, and so Josiah did.

There wuz a big library where you could keep company
with the great minds of the past and present. A music
room where most always some of the best music wuz to be
hearn, for of course there wuz lots of musicians on board,
there always is. And for them that wanted it, there wuz
a smokin’ room, though Josiah or I didn’t have any use for
it, never havin’ smoked anything but a little mullen and cat-
nip once or twice for tizik. And there wuz a billiard room
for them that patronized Bill, though I never did nor Josiah,
but wuz willin’ that folks should act out their own naters.
I spoze they played cards there, too. But Josiah and I
didn’t know one card from another; I couldn’t tell Jack
from the King to save my life.

We stayed in the music room quite a good deal and once
or twice Josiah expressed the wish that he had brought
along his accordeon.

And he sez: “It don’t seem right to take all this pleas-
ure and not give back anything in return.”

But I sez, “I guess they'll git along without hearin’
that accordeon.”

“I might sing sunthin’, I spose,” sez he. “I could put
on my dressin’ gown and belt it down with the tossels and
appear as a singer, and sing a silo.”

That wuz the evenin’ after Dorothy, in a thin, white
dress, a little low in the neck and short sleeves, had stood
up and sung a lovely piece, or that is I ’spoze it wuz lovely,
it wuz in some foreign tongue, but it sounded first rate, as
sweet as the song of a robin or medder lark—you know how
we all like to hear them, though we can’t quite under-
90 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

stand robin and lark language. It wuz kinder good in
Josiah to want to give pleasure in return for what he had
had, but I argyed him into thinkin’ that he and I would
give more pleasure as a congregation than as speakers or
singers. For after I had vetoed the singin’ that good man
proposed that he should speak a piece. Sez he, “I could tell
most the hull of the American Taxation.”

And I sez, “I wouldn’t harrer up the minds of the rich
men on board with thoughts of taxes,” sez I, “ when lots
of ’em are goin’ away to get rid on ’em.”

“Well,” sez he, “I could tell the hull of Robert Kidd.”

And I sez, “ Well, I wouldn’t harrer up their feelin’s
talkin’ about hullsale stealin’; they have enough of that to
hum in the big cities.”

So gradual I got him off from the idee.

There wuz one little boy about Tommy’s age and a sis-
ter a little older I felt real sorry for, they looked so queer,
and their ma, a thin, wirey, nervous lookin’ woman brooded
over ’em like a settin’ hen over her eggs. They wuz dressed
well, but dretful bulged out and swollen lookin’, and I sez
to their ma one day:

“ Are your children dropsical? ”

And she sez, ‘‘ Oh, no, their health is good. The swell-
in’s you see are life preservers.” She said that she kep’ one
on their stomachs night and day.

Well, I knew that they would be handy in a shipwreck,
but it made ’em look queer, queer as a dog.

And now whilst the passengers are all settin’ or standin’
on their own forts and tendin’ to their own bizness, and the
big ship ploughin’ its big liquid furrow on the water I may
as well tell what Arvilly went through. I spoze the reader,
is anxious to know the petickulers of how she come to be
in the Cuban army and desert from it. The reason of her
bein’ in the army at all, her husband enlisted durin’ the
struggle for Cuban independence, and Arvilly jest wor-
shippin’ the ground he walked on, and thinkin’ the world
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 91

wuz a blank to her where he wuz not, after the last care he
left her wuz removed, and always havin’ done as she wuz
a mind to as fur as she could, she dressed herself up in a
suit of his clothes and enlisted onbeknown to him, so’s to
be near to him if he got woonded, and ’tennyrate to breathe
the same air he did and sleep under the same stars. She
adored him.

It must be remembered that Arvilly had never loved a
single thing till she fell in love with this man, her folks dyin’
off and leavin’ her to come up the best she could, and im-
posed upon and looked down upon on every side, and work-
in’ hard for a livin’, and after she got old enough to read
and understand, bein’ smart as a whip and one of the firmest
lovers of justice and fair play that ever wuz born, she be-
come such a firm believer in wimmen’s rights that she got
enemies that way. Well, you know right when she started
for the World’s Fair, helpin’ herself along by sellin’ the
book, “ The Wild, Wicked, and Warlike Deeds of Men”
(which she said she felt wuz her duty to promulgate to wim-
men to keep ’em from marryin’ and makin’ fools of them-
selves). Well, right there, some like Paul on his way to Jeru-
salem breathin’ vengeance against his Lord, a great light
struck him down in the road, so with Arvilly, the great light
of Love stopped her in her career, she dropped her book,
married the man she loved and who loved her, and lived
happy as a queen till the Cuban war broke out.

Her husband wuz a good man, not the smartest in the
world, but a good, honest God-fearin’ man, who had had a
hard time to get along, but always tried to do jest right,
and who hailed Arvilly’s bright intellect and practical good
sense and household knowledge as a welcome relief from
incompetence in hired girl form in the kitchen. His first
wife died when his little girl wuz born, and she wuz about
seven when Arvilly married her pa. Well, he bein’ jest
what he wuz—conscientious, God-fearin’ and havin’ hearn
his minister preach powerful sermons on this bein’ a war
92 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

of God aginst the Devil, enlightenment and Christianity aginst
ignorance and barbarism, America aginst Spain—he got
all fired up with the sense of what wuz his duty to
do, and when his mind wuz made up to that no man or
woman could turn him. Arvilly might have just as well
spent her tears and entreaties on her soapstun. No, go he
must and go he would. But like the good man he wuz, he
made everything just as comfortable as he could for her
and his little daughter, a pretty creeter that Arvilly too
loved dearly. And then he bid ’em a sad adoo, for he loved
?em well, and Arvilly had made his home a comfortable and
happy one. But he choked back his tears, tried to smile
on ’em with his tremblin’ lips, held ’em both long in his
strong arms, onclosed ’em, and they wuz bereft. Well, Ar-
villy held the weeping little girl in her arms, bent over her
with white face and dry eyes, for his sake endured the long
days and longer nights alone with the child, for his sake
taking good care of her, wondering at the blow that had
fell upon her, wondering that if in the future she could be
so blest agin as to have a home, for love is the soul of the
home, and she felt homeless.

Well, she watched and worked, takin’ good care of the
little one, but bolts and bars can’t keep out death; Arvilly’s
arms, though she wuz strong boneded, couldn’t. Diphtheria
wuz round, little Annie took it; in one week Arvilly wuz
indeed alone, and when the sod lay between her and what
little likeness of her husband had shone through the child’s
pretty face, Arvilly formed a strange resolution, but not
so strange but what wimmen have formed it before, and
probably will agin till God’s truth shall shine on a dark
world and be listened to, and wars shall be no more. She
made up her mind to foller the man she loved, to enlist.
She wuz always a masculine lookin’ creeter, big, raw bone-
ded, and when she cut off her hair and parted it on one side
in a man’s way and put on a suit of her husband’s clothes
she looked as much, or more like a man than she had ever
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLENS WIFE 93

looked like a woman. She locked the doors of her home
till the cruel war should be ended, and he whose love made
her home should return. Till then, if indeed it should ever
be, she left her happiness there in the empty, silent rooms
and sallied off. She had disposed of her stock and things
like that, folks not bein’ surprised at it, bein’ she wuz alone,
but all to once she disappeared, utterly and entirely, nobody
hearn of her and folks thought that mebby she had wan-
dered off in her grief and put an end to her life. Not one
word wuz hearn of her until lo and behold! the strange
news come, Arvilly’s husband wuz killed in a drunken brawl
in a licensed Canteen down in Cuba and Arvilly had de-
serted from the army, and of course bein’ a woman they
couldn’t touch her for it. That wuz the first we ever knowed
that she wuz in the army.
CHAPTER VIII
SE RVILLY deserted from the army and gloried
in it; she said, bein’ a woman born, she had
never had a right, and now she took it. After
her husband wuz buried, and her, hull life, too,
she thought for a spell, she deserted, but bein’
ketched and court-martialed, she appeared before the offi-
cers in her own skirt and bask waist and dared ’em to touch
her. Waitstill Webb, the young sweetheart of the man that
shot her husband, wuz with her. Goodland! Arvilly didn’t
lay up nothin’ aginst her or him; he wuz drunk as a fool
when he fired the shot. He didn’t know what he wuz doin’;
he wuz made irresponsible by the law, till he did the deed,
and then made responsible by the same law and shot. Wait-
still wuz named from a Puritan great-great-aunt, whose
beauty and goodness had fell onto her, poor girl! She
stood by Arvilly. They wuz made friends on that dretful
night when they had stood by the men they loved, one
killed and the other to be killed by the govermunt. Poor
things! they wuz bein’ protected, I spoze our govermunt
would call it; it always talks a good deal about protectin’
wimmen; ’tennyrate the mantilly of the law hung over em
both and shaded ’em, one man layin’ dead, shot through the
heart, the other condemned to be shot, both on ’em by
legal enactments, both men not knowin’ or meanin’ any more
harm than my Josiah up in Jonesville if he had been sot
fire to by law and then hung by law because he smoked and
blistered. Good land! them that sets a fire knows that there
has got to be smoke and blisters, there must be.
The officers they wuz just dumb-foundered at the sight
of a woman with a bask waist on in that position—a bein’

   
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 95

court-martialed for desertion—and her speech dumb-found-
ered ’em still more, so I spoze; I hearn it from one who
wuz there.

Sez Arvilly to ’em, and they wuz drew up in battle array
as you may say, dressed up in uniform and quite a few on
‘em, the Stars and Stripes behind ’em, and the mantilly of
the Jaw drapin’ ’em in heavy folds. And I don’t spoze that
through her hull life Arvilly wuz ever so eloquent as on
that occasion. All her powers of mind and heart wuz elec-
trified by the dretful shock and agony she had underwent,
and her words fell like a hard storm of lightenin’ and hail
out of a sky when it is just stored full of electrical power
and has got to bust out.

Sez Arvilly: “You men represent the force and power
of the govermunt that falsely sez it is the voice of the peo-
ple; we two represent the people. As you are the force and
power and will of the law, we are the endurance, the suffer-
ing. You decide on a war. When did a woman ever have
any voice in saying that there should be a war? They bear
the sons in agony that you call out to be butchered; their
hearts are torn out of their bosoms when they let their hus-
bands, sons and lovers go into the hell of warfare, and you
tax all her property to raise money to help furnish the
deadly weapons that kill and cut to pieces the warm, living,
loving forms that they would give their lives for.

“But you men decide on a war, as you have on this.
You say it wuz from motives of philanthropy and justice;
you drag us, the people, out of peaceful, happy homes to
leave all we love, to face mutilation, agony and death; you
say your cause wuz just, I say it is a war of revenge—a war
of conquest.”

Why it fairly made goose pimples run over me when I
hearn on’t. Sassin’ the govermunt, she wuz—nothin’ more
nor less. But she went on worse than ever.

“You say that it wuz to give freedom to the people of
Cuba. Look at the millions of your own wimmen enslaved
96 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

in legal fetters! You say it wuz to protect the wimmen and
children of Cuba from the cruelty and brutality of unscrupu-
lous rulers. Look at the wimmen and children of your own
country cowering and hiding from crazed drunken hus-
bands, sons and fathers. More misery, murder, suicides,
abuse and suffering of every kind is caused by the saloon
every day of the year in the United States than ever took
place in Cuba in twice the same time, and you not only
stand by and see it, but you take pay from the butchers for
slaughtering the innocents! You miserable hypocrites,
you!” Sez Arvilly, “I would talk about pity and mercy,
you that know no pity and no mercy for your own wimmen
and children.

“You pose before foreign nations as a reformer, a righter
of wrongs, when you have cherished and are cherishing now
the most gigantic crime and wrong that ever cursed a peo-
ple; turning a deaf ear to the burdened and dying about
you; wives, mothers, daughters—for whose safety and well-
being you are responsible—have told you that the saloon
killed all the manhood and nobility of their husbands, sons,
and fathers; made the pure, good men, who loved and pro-
tected them, into cold-hearted brutes and demons who
would turn and rend them—still you would not hear. You
have seen the dretful procession of one hundred thousand
funerals pass before you every year, slain by this foe that
you pamper and protect.

“Lovers of good laws have told you that the saloon
blocked up the way to every reform and wuz the greatest
curse of the day; still you threw your mighty protection
around the system and helped it on. The most eminent
doctors have told you that drunkenness ruined the bodies
of men; Christian clergymen told you that it ruined their
souls, and that the saloon was the greatest enemy the
Church of Christ had to contend with to-day; that when by
its efforts and sacrifices it saved one soul from ruin, the
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 9"

saloon ruined two to fill the place of that one who wuz saved,
and still you opholded it.

“ Petitions signed by hundreds of thousands of the best
people of the land have been sent to you, but these petitions,
weighted down with the tears and prayers of these people,
have been made a jest and a mock of by you. And strang-
est, most awful of sights—incredible almost to men and
angels—this govermunt, that sot out as a reformer to Chris-
tianize Cuba and the Philippines, have planted there this
heaviest artillery of Satan, the saloon, to bind the poor
islanders in worse bondage and misery than they ever dremp
on. Hain’t you ashamed of yourself! You fool and vil-
lain!’”” (Oh! dear me! Oh, dear suz! To think on’t; Ar-
villy wuz talkin’ to the govermunt, and callin’ it a fool and
villain! The idee! Why, it wuz enough to skair anybody
most to death!) I spoze it made a great adoo. I spoze
that the men who represented the govermunt wuz too horri-
fied to make a reply. Arvilly always did go too fur when
she got to goin’. But it can’t be denied that she had great
reason for her feelin’s, for the strongest argument wuz still
to come. I spoze she got almost carried away by her own
talk and feelin’s, for all of a sudden they said she lifted her
long bony hand and arm—Arvilly always wuz kinder spare
in flesh—she lifted up her arm and her bony forefinger
seemed to be follerin’ the lines of some words writ up there
on the wall, sez she slowly, in a awful voice:

“ My country! thou are weighed in the balance and found
wanting!”

It wuz indeed thrillin’, but after a minute’s silence she
went on: ‘“ Look at me!” sez she, pintin’ that same fore-
finger first at herself and then at the tall veiled figger of
the young girl beside her—‘ Look at us; we, the people,
represent to you another of your favorite reforms, the Can-
teen, that product of civilization and Christianity you trans-
planted from our holy shores to the benighted tropics. How
many petitions have you had wet with the tears of wives

7
98 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and mothers, weighted down with their prayers to close this
gateway to hell. But no, for a price, as Judas sold his Lord,
you have trafficked in human souls and will do so. And
you are the power—you control; we are the people—we
suffer. We leave all we love, we go out and fight your bat-
tles when you tell us to, we face mutilation and death for
you—isn’t that enough? No; besides the foe in front you
set us aginst, you introduce a foe into our midst that is a
million times as fatal and remorseless. The foe in front only
aims at our bodies; this foe, before it kills our bodies, kills
honor, manhood, all that is noble and worthy to be loved—
a devilish foe indeed, but by your command it is let loose
upon us; we are the people, we must endure it. Look at
me! ”—agin she pinted that bony forefinger at herseli—* I
had a husband I loved as well as the gracious lady in the
White House loves her husband. He wuz a good man. He
thought he owed a duty to his country. He went to fight
her battles at her call. He might have escaped Spanish bul-
lets, but not this foe this Christian govermunt set aginst
him. In a low Canteen, a vile drinking den, rented by you
for the overthrow of men’s souls and bodies, in a drunken
brawl a bullet aimed by a crazed brain for another poor
ruined boy reached my husband’s faithful heart, faithful to
the country that slew him, not for patriotism or honor, but
for a few pennies of money—not even the thirty pieces of
silver Judas earnt for betraying his Lord. This bullet wuz
sent from the hand of a young man, a college graduate, one
of the noblest, brightest and best of men until this foe our
govermunt set for him vanquished him. He got into a
quarrel with another drunken youth, another victim of the
Canteen, and meant to shoot him, but the unsteady hand
sent it into the heart of my husband, who went into that vile
place thinkin’ he could appease the quarrel. This young
man was shot for your crime and here is his widow,” and
turning to Waitstill, she said, “ Lift up your vail; let them
look upon us, the people.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 99

The young girl drew back her vail and a face of almost
perfect beauty wuz disclosed, but white as death. The big
dark eyes wuz full of sorrow and despair, sadder than tears.
She simply said:

“T loved him—he was murdered—I have come to de-
nounce his murderers.”

Her voice wuz low, but the words fell like drops of blood,
so vivid, so full were they of the soul of her being.

“Yes,” sez Arvilly, “and you are his murderer. Not
the Spaniards, not the foe of this govermunt that the poor
young fellow tried with a boy’s warm-hearted patriotism to
save. You murdered him.” She turned to let her com-
panion speak agin, but the power to speak had gone from
her; her slender figure swayed and Arvilly caught her in
hher strong arms. She had fainted almost away; she could
say no more. But what more could she say to this gover-
munt.

“He was murdered—I loved him—I have come to de-
nounce his murderers.”

Arvilly helped Waitstill down on a bench where she
leaned back still and white most as if she wuz dead. But
before Arvilly went out with Waitstill leanin’ on her arm,
she turned and faced them dumb-foundered men once more:

“ Who is accountable for the death of her lover?” pintin’
to the frail, droopin’ figger. “ Who is accountable for the
death of my husband? Who is accountable for the death
and everlastin’ ruin of my son, my husband, my father and
my lover? sez the millions of weepin’ wimmen in America
that the Canteen and saloon have killed and ruined. These
questions unanswered by you are echoin’ through the hull
country demandin’ an answer. They sweep up aginst the
hull framework of human laws made professedly to protect
the people, aginst every voter in the land, aginst the rulers
in Washington, D. C., aginst the Church of Christ—failing
to git an answer from them they sweep up to God’s throne.
There they will git a reply. Woe! woe! to you rulers who
100 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

deviseth iniquity to overthrow the people committed to your
care.”

Arvilly then went out, leadin’ Waitstill, and when she
come back to Jonesville she come with her, a patient
mourner, good to everybody and goin’ out to day’s works
for seventy-five cents a day, for she had no other way to
live, for she wuzn’t strong enough then to go on with her
nursing and she hadn’t a relation on earth, and the man
our govermunt murdered in that Canteen represented all
there wuz on this broad earth for her to love. They wor-
shipped each other, and Waitstill is waitin’ till the time comes
for her to die and meet the man she loved and lost, havin’
to live in the meantime, because she couldn’t stop breathin’
till her time come. So, as I say, she went out doin’ plain
sewin’, beloved by all both great and small, but a mourner
if there ever wuz one, lookin’ at his picture day in and day
out, which she wears in her bosom in a locket—a handsome,
manly face, took before our govermunt made a crazy luna-
tick and a murderer of him.

Jest as different from Arvilly as day is from night, but
the cold hands of grief holds their hearts together and I
spoze that she will always make it her home with Arvilly as
long as she lives, she wants her to—that is, if the plan I have
in my head and heart don’t amount to anything, but I hope
for the land sake that it will, for as I’ve said many a time
and gin hints to her, there never wuz two folks more made
for each other than she and Elder White.

But she’s gone now to the Philippines as a nurse in a
hospital, which shows how different she and Arvilly feels;
Arvilly sez that she wouldn’t do anything to help the gov-
ermunt agin in any way, shape or manner, not if they should
chain her and drag her to the front; she would die before
she would help the great, remorseless power that killed her
husband for a little money. She’s made in jest that way,
Arvilly is, jest as faithful to the remembrance of her wrongs
as a dog is to a bone, settin’ and gnawin’ at it all the time.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 101

And when they come to collect her taxes last year she says:
“No taxes will you ever git out of me to help rare up
Saloons and Canteens to kill some other woman’s husband.”
“ But,” sez the tax man, a real good man he wuz and
mild mannered, “ you should be willing to help maintain the
laws of your country that protects you.”

And then I spose that man’s hair (it wuz pretty thin,
anyway) riz right up on his head to hear her go on tellin’
about the govermunt killin’ her husband. But seein’ she
wuz skarin’ him she kinder quelled herself down and sez:

“What has this country ever done for me. I have had
no more voice in makin’ the laws than your dog there.
Your dog is as well agin off, for it don’t have to obey the
laws, that it has no part in makin’. If it digs up a good
bone it don’t have to give it to some dog politician to raise
money to buy dog buttons to kill other dogs and mebby its
own pups. Not one cent of taxes duz this hell-ridden gov-
ermunt git out of me agin—if I can help it.”

The man ketched up his tax list and flewed from the
house, but returned with minions of the law who seized on
and sold her shote she wuz fattin’ for winter’s use; sold it
to the saloon keeper over to Zoar for about half what it
wuz worth, only jest enough to pay her tax. But then the
saloon keeper controlled a lot of bum votes and the col-
lector wanted to keep in with him.

Yes, as I wuz sayin’, Waitstill Webb is as different from
Arvilly as a soft moonlight night lit by stars is from a snap-
pin’ frosty noonday in January. Droopin’ like a droopin’
dove, feelin’ that the govermunt wuz the worst enemy she
and her poor dead boy ever had, as it turned out, but still
ready to say:

“Oh Lord, forgive my enemy, the Government of the
United States, for it knows what it does.”

Which she felt wuz ten-fold worse than as if it did wick-
edly without knowin’ it, and she knew that they knowed all
about it and couldn’t deny it, for besides all the good men
102 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and wimmen that had preached to ’em about it, they had
had such sights of petitions sent in explainin’ it all out and
beggin’ ’em to stop it, onheeded by them and scorfed at.
But she stood ready to go agin and serve the govermunt
as a nurse, trying to heal the woonds caused by bullet and
knife, and the ten-fold worse woonds caused by our gover-
munt’s pet wild beast it rents out there to worry and kill
its brave defenders. I looked forward with warm anticipa-
tions to seein’ her, for I sot store by her. She had fixed
over my gray alpacky as good as new, and made me a couple
of ginghams, and I thought more of havin’ her with me than
I did of her work, and once when I wuz down with a crick
in the back, and couldn’t stir, she come right there and
stayed by me and did for me till the creek dwindled down
and disappeared. Her presence is some like the Bam of
Gilead, and her sweet face and gentle ways make her like
an angel in the sick room. Arvilly is more like a mustard
plaster than Bam. But everybody knows that mustard is
splendid for drawin’ attention to it; if it draws as it ort to,
mustard must and will attract and hold attention. And I
spoze there hain’t no tellin’ what good Arvilly has done
and mebby will do by her pungent and sharp tongue to draw
attention to wrongs and inspire efforts to ameliorate ’em.
And the same Lord made the Bam of Gilead and mustard,
and they go well together. When mustard has done its
more painful work then the Bam comes in and duz its work
of healin’ and consolin’. *Tennyrate anybody can see that
they are both on ’em as earnest and sincere in wantin’ to
do right as any human creeters can be, and are dretful well
thought on all over Jonesville and as fur out as Loontown
and Zoar.

Some wimmen would have held a grudge aginst the man
that murdered her husband and not bore the sight of the
one who loved and mourned him so constant. But Arvilly
had too much good horse sense for that; she contends that
neither of the men who wuz fightin’ wuz much to blame.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 103

She sez that if a sane, well man should go out and dig a
deep pit to catch men for so much a head, and cover it all
over with green grass and blossoms and put a band of music
behind it to tempt men to walk out on it, to say nothin’ of
a slidin’ path leadin’ down to it, all soft with velvet and rosy
with temptations, if a lot of hot-headed youth and weak men
and generous open-minded men who wuzn’t lookin’ for any-
thing wrong, should fall into it and be drownded for so much
a head, she sez the man who dug the pit and got so much
apiece for the men he led in and ruined would be more to
blame than the victims, and she sez the man who owned
the ground and encouraged it to go on would be more to
blame than the man who dug the pit. And further back
the men who made the laws to allow such doin’s, and men
who voted to allow it, and ministers and the Church of
Christ, who stood by like Pilate, consenting to it and en-
couraged by their indifference and neglect what they might
have stopped if they wanted to—they wuz most to blame
of all.

Well, this is what Arvilly has went through.

Day by day we sailed onwards, and if the days wuz beau-
tiful, the nights wuz heavenly, lit by the glowin’ moon that
‘seemed almost like another sun, only softer and mellerer
lookin’; and the lustrous stars of the tropics seemed to flash
and glitter jest over our head almost as if we could reach
up and gather ’em in our hands into a sheaf of light.

The weather seemed to moderate and we had to put on
our thinnest garments in the middle of the day. But my
poor Josiah could not make much change; he had to wear
his pepper-and-salt costoom in publick, which wuz pretty
thick, but I fixed sunthin’ for him to wear in our state-room,
where we passed considerable time. I took one of my out-
ing jackets that was cut kinder bask fashion, trimmed with
lace and bows of ribbon and pinned it over in the back, and
it fitted him quite well and wuz cool. He liked it; he
104 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

thought it become him, it wuz so dressy, but I wouldn’t let
him appear in publick in it.

I dressed Tommy in his summer suit, and wore my fig-
gered lawn and wuz none too cool. We only had one heavy
storm, but that wuz fearful; everything dashed round and
wuz broke that could be. I put Tommy in his little crib
and fastened him in, and fastened my most precious treas-
ure, Josiah, to the berth. I then tied myself up, and we
bore it as well as we could, though every time the ship went
down into the trough of the sea I felt that it wuz dubersome
about its ever comin’ out agin, and every time it mounted
up on one of them stupendous billers, higher than the Jones-
ville meetin’ house, I felt doubtful whether or no it would
fall bottom side up or not. Tommy wuz cryin’, and Josiah
wuz kinder whimperin’, though for my sake he wuz tryin’
to bear up. But Dll hang a curtain up before that seen and
not take it down agin till we wuz all ontied and the sun wuz
shinin’ down on smoother waters.

At last after seven days’ stiddy sailin’ a little spec wuz
seen in the distance one mornin’ gradually growin’ in size,
and other litle specks wuz sighted, also growin’ gradual, and
at last they turned to solid land rising up out of the blue
water, clad in strange and beautiful verdure behind the white
foamin’ billers of surf. And instinctively as we looked on’t
I broke out singin’ onbeknown to me, and Josiah jined in
in deep base:

“Sweet fields beyend the swellin’ flood
Stand dressed in livin’ green.”

We sung it to Balermy. Josiah hain’t much of a singer,
and my voice hain’t what it once wuz, but I d’no as in any
conference meetin’ that him ever sounded sweeter to me,
or I sung it with more of the sperit.
CHAPTER IX

it, its scenery different from Jonesville scenery,
but yet worth seein’—yes, indeed! Mountain
and valley, rock and green velvet verdure, tall
palm trees shadin’ kinder low houses, but still
beautiful and attractive. And what beautiful colors greeted
our weary eyes as we drew nigher. I though of that gate
of Jerusalem the Golden, all enamelled with emerald, ame-
thyst, chalcedony, and pearl sot in gold. The golden brown
earth made from melted lava, the feathery foliage of the
palms that riz up beyend the dazzlin’ white beach, the crystal
blue waters with myriad-hued fishes playing down in its
crystal depths. Oh, how fair the seen as we approached
nearer and see plainer and plainer the pictured beauty of
the shore. Shinin’ green valley, emerald-topped mountain,
amethyst sea; which wuz the most beautiful it wuz hard to
say. ;

Evangeline Noble stood off by herself leanin’ on the rail
of the deck as if she see through the beauty into the inner
heart of things, and see in her mind’s eye all the work her
own people, the missionaries, had done there. The thought
that they had taken the natives like diamonds incrusted in
dirt and cleansed them of the blackest of their habits. She
see in the past natives burying their children alive, putting
to death the mentally weak, worshipping horrible idols, kill-
ing and eating their enemies, etc., etc. But now, under the
blessed light of the torch, that long procession of martyrs
had held up, the former things wuz passin’ away, and she,
too, wuz one of that blessed host of God’s helpers. She
looked riz up and radiant as if she see way beyend the islands

 
106 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

of the sea and all she hoped to do for her Master on earth,
and as if he wuz talking to her now, teaching her his will.

Nigher to us Elder Wessel wuz standing, and he sez,
lifting up his eyes to heaven:

“Oh islands of the sea! where every prospect pleases
and only man is vile.”

And Arvilly hearn him and snapped out, “I d’no as
they’re so very vile till traders and other civilized folks teach
“em to drink and cheat and tear round.” His eyes lost in
a minute that heavenly expression they had wore and sez he:

“Oh, islands of the sea! where every prospect pleases
and eat each other up and etcetery.”

“Well, I d’no,” sez she, ‘ but I’d ruther be killed to once
by a club arid eat up and be done with than to die by inches
as wimmen do under our civilized American license laws.
The savages kill their enemies, but the American savage kills
the one that loves him best, and has to see her children
turned into brutes and ruffians, under what is called a Chris-
tian dispensation. There hain’t no hypocrisy and Pharisee-
ism in a good straight club death, and most likely whilst he
wuz eatin’ me up he wouldn’t pose before foreign nations as
a reformer and civilizer of the world.”

“Oh, Sister Arvilly,” sez he, ‘“ think of the hideous idols
they worship! You can’t approve of that,” sez he.

But Arvilly, the ondanted, went on, “ Well I never see
or hearn of any savage idol to compare in hegiousness with
the Whiskey Power that is built up and pampered and wor-
shipped by Americans rich and poor, high and low, Church
and State. Let any one make a move to tear that idol down
from its altar, made of dead men’s bones, and see what a
flutter there is in the camp, how new laws are made and old
laws shoved aside, and new laws fixed over, and the highest
and the lowest will lie and cringe and drag themselves on
their knees in front of it to protect it and worship it. Don’t
talk to me about your wood idols; they hain’t nothin’ to be
compared to it. They stay where they’re put, they don’t
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 107

rare round and kill their worshippers as this Whiskey idol duz.
I'd think enough sight more of some men high in authority
if they would buy a good clean basswood idol and put it
up in the Capitol at Washington, D. C., and kneel down be-
fore it three times a day, than to do what they are doin’;
they wouldn’t do half the hurt and God knows it, and He
would advise ’em that way if they ever got nigh enough to
Him so’s He could speak to ’em at all.”

“Oh, Sister Arvilly!”’ sez Elder Wessel, and he looked
as if he would faint away. And I too wuz shocked to my soul,
specially as Josiah whispered kinder low to me:

“ Samantha, we might git a small idol whilst we’re here.
You know it would come handy in hayin’ time and when the
roads are drifted full.”

I looked at him in a way that he will remember through
his hull life, and sez he quick, “ I shan’t do nothin’ of the kind
unless vou’re willin’.”

“ Willin’!”’ sez I, in heart-broken axents. ‘“‘ What will
happen next to me?”’ And then indignation dried my tears
before they fell and I sez, “I command you, Josiah Allen, to
never speak to me on this subject agin; or think on’t!” sez
I fiercely.

He muttered sunthin’ about thinkin’ what he wuz a
mindter. And I turned to Arvilly and sez, to git her mind
off :

“ See that native, Arvilly, standin’ up on that board!”

For as our good ship bore us onward we see crowds of
natives standin’ up on little tottlin’ boards, dartin’ through
the water every which way, risin’ and fallin’ on the waves.
I couldn’t done it to save my life. No, Josiah nor me couldn't
stood on boards like that on our creek, to say nothin’ of the
Pacific Ocean. But we should never have appeared in public
dressed in that way—it wuzn’t decent, and I told Josiah I
wouldn’t look at ’em if I wuz in his place; I mistrusted that
some on ’em might be wimmen. And then I thought of
the Garden of Eden, when Adam and Eve first took the
108 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

place, and I didn’t really know what to think. But J drawed
Arvilly’s attention to one on ’em that seemed extra dextrious
in managin’ his board and sez, “‘ How under the sun duz he
do it, Arvilly?”

“T d’no,” sez she, and she added dreamily, “I wonder
if he would want a copy of the ‘Twin Crimes,’ or the
‘Wicked and Warlike.’ If I do sell any here to the natives
it’ll put some new idees in their heads about idol worship
wickeder and warliker than they ever had.” Miss Meechim
and Dorothy wuz approachin’ and Robert Strong I see
looked off with rapt eyes onto-the glorious seen. And as no
two can see the same things in any picture, but see the idees
of their own mind, blended in and shadin’ the view, I spozed
that Robert Strong see rared up on the foreground of that
enchantin’ seen his ideal City of Justice, where gigantic
trusts, crushin’ the people’s life out, never sot its feet, but
love, equality and good common sense sot on their thrones
in the middle on’t, and the people they ruled wuz prosperous
and happy. And anon he looked down into Dorothy's sweet
face as if no foreign shore or any inner vision ever looked
so good to him.

Miss Meechim hated to have Dorothy see them natives,
1 see she did; actin’ so skittish towards the male sect always,
it wuz dretful galdin’ to her to see ’em in that state and spe-
cially to have Dorothy see ’em. She looked awful appre-
hensive towards them swimmers and board riders and then
at her niece. But when she catched sight of Robert by her
side a look of warm relief swep’ over her anxious face, as if
in her mind’s eye she see Dorothy by his help walkin’ through
the future a prosperous and contented bacheldor maid.

Tommy wuz kinder talkin’ to himself or to his invisible
playmate. He wonnered how he wuz goin’ to git on shore,
wonnerin’ if he could stand up on one of them little boards
and if his grandpa and grandma would each have one to
stand up on, and kinder lookin’ forward to such an experi-
ence I could see, and Josiah wuz wonderin’ how soon he
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 109

could git a good meat dinner. And so as on shore or sea
each one wuz seein’ what their soul’s eye had to see, and
shakin’ ever and anon their own particular skeletons, and
shettin’ ‘em up agin’ in their breast closets.

Well, as we approached nigher and nigher the wharf we
see men dressed in every way you could think on from petti-
coats to pantaloons, and men of every color from black
down through brown and yeller to white, and wimmen the
same. Well, it wuzn’t long before we wuz ensconced in the
comfortable tarven where we put up. Elder Wessel and his
daughter and Evangeline Noble went to the same tarven,
which made me glad, for I like "em both as stars differin’.
Elder Wessel I regarded more as one of the little stars in
the Milky Way, but Evangeline as one of the big radiant
orbs that flashed over our heads in them tropic nights.

The tarven we went to wuz called the Hawaiian Hotel.
We got good comfortable rooms, Arvilly’s bein’ nigh to ourn
and Dorothy’s and Miss Meechim’s acrost the hall and the
rest of the company comfortably located not fur away. Well,
the next mornin’ Josiah and I with Tommy walked through
some of the broad beautiful streets, lined with houses built
with broad verandas most covered with vines and flowers
and shaded by the most beautiful trees you ever see, tall
palms with their stems round and smooth as my rollin’ pin
piercin’ the blue sky, and fur, fur up the long graceful leaves,
thirty feet long some on ’’em. And eucalyptus and begoniea
and algebora with its lovely foliage, and pepper trees and
bananas and pomegranates and tamarind and bread fruit and
rose apples, tastin’ and smellin’ a good deal like a rosy. And
magnificent oleanders and fuchias and geraniums and every
other beautiful tree and blossom you ever hearn on.

And take it with these rich colored posies and luxuriant
green foliage and the white suits and hats of the men, and
the gay colored clothing of the women we met, lots of them
with wreaths of flowers round their necks hangin’ most to
their feet, take it all together it wuz a seen long, long to be
110 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

remembered. And then we walked up on Punch Bowl Hill,
five hundred feet above the level of the sea, and looked off
on a broad beautiful picture of sea, mountain and valley soft
and beautiful and a-bloom with verdure, and anon bold,
rugged and sublime, and I sez to Josiah:

“This very place where we’re standin’ now wuz once
a volcano and belched forth flames, and that also,” sez I, pint-
in’ to Tantalus that riz up two thousand feet. “ And,” sez I,
“they say that the view from that is glorious.”

“Well,” sez he, “I guess we hadn’t better climb up
there; it might bust out agin. And I wouldn’t have you
sot fire to, Samantha, for a thousand worlds like this,” (he
didn’t want the work of climbin’, that wuz it). And I didn’t
argy with him, for I thought it would be quite a pull for us
to git up there and git Tommy up, and I didn’t know as
the child ort to climb so fur, so I didn’t oppose my pardner
when he propsed to go back to the tarven, and we santered
back through the streets filled with citizens of all countries
and dressed accordin’, to the grounds around the tarven.
We put Tommy into a hammock and sot down peaceful
nigh by him. The sun shone down gloriously out of a clear
blue sky, but we sot in the shade and so enjoyed it, the
bammy air about us seemed palpitating with langrous beauty
and fragrance, and I sez to my pardner:

‘Don’t this remind you, Josiah, of what we’ve heard
Thomas J. read about:

“©The island valley of Avileon
Where falls not rain nor hail nor any snow.’ ”

“ Where it seems always afternoon.”

“T dno,” sez Josiah, “as I ever hearn of sucha land. I.
never wuz any hand to lay abed all the forenoon.”

“But, Josiah, there is sunthin’ so dreamy and soothin’,
so restful in the soft slumbrous atmosphere, it seems as if ’
one could jest lay down in that hammock, look off onto the .
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 111

entrancin’ beauty around, breathin’ the soft balmy air, and
jest lay there forever.”

“T guess,” sez he, “ that the dinner bell would be apt to
roust you out the second or third day.”

But Miss Meechim jined us at jest this minute, and she
sez to me, “I feel just as you do, I feel as though I would
fain dwell here forever.”

And Josiah sez: “I believe it would be a good thing for
you, Miss Meechim, to stay here right along; you could
probable do considerable good here preachin’ to the natives
aginst marriage, they’re pretty apt to marry too much if
they’re let alone, and you might curb ’em in some.” (Josiah
can’t bear Miss Meechim, her idees on matrimony are re-
pugnant to him.) But she didn’t argy with him. She sez:
“ Robert is planning a trip to the Pali, and wants to know
if you won’t join us.”

And Josiah says, ‘‘ Who is Pali?”

And she sez, “It is the precipice five hundred feet high,
where King Kamehameha drove off his enemies.”

Well, we wuz agreeable and jined the party. Robert
had got a wagonette and he and Dorothy, Miss Meechim and
Arvilly and Josiah and I jest filled the seats, Tommy sot in
Josiah’s lap or between us.

It is quite a long ride to the Pali, but we didn’ realize it,
because the scenery all along is so lovely and so novel. That
view from the top I hain’t a-goin’ to try to describe, nor I
sha’n’t let Josiah try; I don’t like to have that man flat out in
his undertakin’s. Good land! do you want us to tell how many
sands there wuz on the flashing white beach that stretched
out milds and milds? And we might as well as to describe
that enchantin’ panorama and take up all the different threads
of glory that lay before us and embroider ’em on language.
No, you must see ’em for yourself, and then you hain’t goin’
to describe ’em. I d’no but Carabi could. I hearn Tommy
talkin’ and “ wonnerin’” to him as he stood awestruck be-
side me, but no mortal can,

t
112 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Well, I thought I must not slight the volcano Kilauea,
which means the House of Everlasting Fire. And how that
volcano and everything in Hawaii reminded me of the queen
who once rained here—and the interview I once had with
her. We happened to be visitors to the same summer resort.
You know she lives in Washington, D. C., now.

I sent word that I wuz there and craved a augence, which
wuz gladly granted. She had hearn of me and I had hearn
of her, which made everything agreeable. So at the appinted
hour I wuz ushered by one of her hired men into her pres-
ence. I liked her looks first rate; of course she hain’t what
you may call handsome, and her complection is pretty mid-
dlin’ dark, but she has a good look and a good way with
her. She came forward and greeted me with great cordial-
ity and gin the hand I extended a warm grasp, and I hern
visey versey, and sez she:

“Tam glad to see you, Josiah Allen’s wife.” And I sez,
speakin’ the name Liliukolani well as I could, “I also am
glad to hail the Queen of the Sandwich Islands.”

That tickled her, and she sez: “I was not deceived in
you; you are one who can recognize royalty if the cloud of
adversity and trouble is wreathin’ it in its black folds.”

And I sez, “ Clouds often covers the sun and moon, but
the light is there jest the same.” I felt to pity her as she
went on and related her troubles to me. Her throne kicked
out from under her by them that wanted to set down on it,
the high chairs of her loyal friends took by her enemies who
craved the soft cushions. Even her private property grabbed
away from her. Why, how should any of us feel to have a
neighbor walk in when we wuz havin’ a family quarrel and
jest clean us out of everything—kitchen stove, bureau, bed
and beddin’ and everything; why, it would rile us to our
depths, any on us.

She sez, “I feel that my kingdom wuz stole away from
me.” And I sez:

“T know jest how you feel. There wuz a woodsy island
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 113

down in our creek that Josiah had called hisen for years and
years, rained peaceful and prosperous over so we spozed, it
made a dretful handy place for our young stock to stand in
the shade in the summer, and our ducks and geese jest made
their hum there, but what should Bill Yerden do when he
bought the old Shelmadine place but jest scoop up that island
and try to prove that it wuz hisen. It wuz jest stealin,’ Jo-
siah and I always felt so. But he wuz down with tizik at the
time, and I wore out nussin’ him, and Bill put bob iron
fence round it, real sharp bobs, too, and we had to gin in.
Of course it wuzn’t a big spot, but we despised the idee of
havin’ it took from us just as much as though it wuz the hul!
contient of Asia, and we can’t git over it, Josiah nor me can’t.
And I know jest how you feel, and I sympathize with you.”

And she sez, “ Sympathy is sweet, but justice is sweeter.”

And I sez, “ That is so, but when you can’t git justice,
sympathy is better than nothin’.”

“ Yes,” sez she, “ I know it, but I am lookin’ forward to
the day when I shall git my rights agin. I am jest as much
a queen as Queen Alexandra is to-day, and my kingdom
is just as much mine.”

Sez I, “ That is just the way Josiah and I ieel; we can’t
help lookin’ forward to gittin’ our rights, but don’t spoze we
ever shall, for life is short, and Josiah don’t want any more
of our live stock tore up on them bobs; and, as I’ve said to
Josiah many a time, Bill Yerden feels guilty, or he wouldn’t
rare up such sharp defences round it.”

Well, we had a good deal more of jest such profitable
and interestin’ talk as two such great wimmen would nater-
ally, and we parted away from each other with a cordial
hand shake and mutual good feelin’. But she called me back
and sez she: “I want to give you one word of solemn warn-
in’ before we part,” and I stopped stun still and listened.

“T don’t know,” sez she, “as you'll ever be a queen.”

“Well, mebby not,” sez I, “but I am thought a sight
on in Jonesville, and there is no knowin’ what may happen.”

8
114 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“Well,” sez she, “if you ever are a queen, a ruler of a
kingdom, don’t let any other nation protect you. Protect-
in’,” sez she, “ has been the ruin of more than one individual
and nation.”

And I promised her that I would look out for it if I ever
wuz a queen, but reminded her that there wuz times too when
it came handy, and saved our necks to be protected, and then
I finished, gracefully backin’ out of her presence. I like her
first rate, and believe she is a likely woman; I believe she
has been lied about, she jest the same as told me she had; if
she wuz a woman that took in washin’s for a livin’ there
wouldn’t have been so much said about her. Why, it is jest
as easy for envious folks to run them high in position and
try to demean ’em as it is to fall off a log.
CHAPTER X

OME of the party felt that they couldn’t leave the
islands without seein’ the great Kilauea and
some didn’t care to go. I felt that I must see
it and so did Arvilly, and Josiah looked on me
as fondly and proudly as if I myself wuz a vol-

cano and said, “If Samantha goes I shall.” Robert Strong

wanted to go and so did Dorothy; Miss Meechim didn’t feel
like going and offered to take care of Tommy with the help
of Aronette. Elder Wessel wouldn’t go, for Lucia wuzn’t
very well and he felt that she had better stay and rest at
the tarven, and I spozed that Aronette and Lucia would have
a pretty good time, for they always seemed to when they
wuz together. Evangeline Noble was visiting some friends
of hers on the island. There wuz a smart young English
clergyman goin’ with us and a Scotchman, both good lookin’
and good actin’. The Scotchman wuz Sir Duncan Ramsey
and didn’t act any more sot up than if he wuz a plain mister.

He paid considerable attention to Dorothy, too, but Miss

Meechim said that she didn’t worry about Dorothy at all

since I would chaperone her, and Robert wuz going to pro-

tect her from any possible lover. Sez Miss Meechim:

“Robert knows that I would almost rather have that
volcano burst forth its burning lava and wash her away on
its bosom than to have her engulfed in that terrible state of
matrimony from which I and mine have suffered so horribly.”

“ Well,” sez I, “I can’t speak for you and yourn, but for
me and ourn,” sez I, “no state under the heavens would be
agreeable for me to live in if my beloved pardner wuzn’t in
it too,”

 
116 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“Oh, well,” sez she, “ exceptions prove the rule; your
husband is congenial and good to you.”

“Oh, well,” sez I, ‘as to the daily acts and queer moves
of pardners the least said the soonest mended, but Love is
the great ruler; where he rules any state is blest, be it torrid
or frigid.”

That evenin’ Arvilly and Elder Wessel had a argument
about votin’ and other things. I knew I ort to be in my
room packin’ my satchel bag, for we expected to be gone a
week or ten days, but I did kinder want to hear how their
talk come out. He said he didn’t vote; he said he thought
it wuz a clergyman’s duty to set and judge of the right and
wrong of actions, not take part in ’em.

And Arvilly says, “I always spozed the Almighty did
that; I didn’t know as human men wuz obleeged to. I know
he cursed them that dealt in strong drink, and blest them
that gin even a cup of cold water to the little ones, which
I spoze meant help to the poorest and lowest. And I guess
that whatever your idees are about it, when you come to
the judgment day you won’t set up there on the throne
judgin’, but you'll be down with the rest on us givin’ an
account of how you’ve used your talents, your influence, and
if you’ve wropped your mantilly of protection around thieves
and murderers that you know the whiskey trade is made of;
you'll find that it will drop off there, and you will be judged
accordin’ to your works. But mebby you’ll be made to see
before you git there that you’re in the wrong on’t upholdin’
this evil.”

Arvilly’s axent wuz as sharp as any simeter, and it seemed
to go right through Elder Wessel’s robe of complacency
and self-esteem and rend it. He looked dretful bad, and I
spoke up, meanin’ to pour a little ile on his woonds, and say-
in’ what I thought, too. Sez I:

“ Folks hain’t so guilty often as they are thoughtless; min-
isters and church people who don’t use their influence aginst
this evil don’t realize what they’re doin’—they don’t think.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 11%

“ They’re guilty if they don’t think,” sez Arvilly, “ if they
are blest with common sense. If I wuz walkin’ by a deep
pond in broad daylight, and see a dozen little children sink-
ing that I might save by a little effort, 1 wonder how many
would believe me when I said that I see ’em drowndin’ but
didn’t try to save ’em because I didn’t think. If I had ears
and eyes and common sense, and could save ’em and didn’t,
I wuz guilty of murder, and so the Lord would look at it and
everybody else that knew anything.” And she looked at
me some as if I didn’t know anything, jest because I inti-
mated that ministers and church members didn’t want to do
such wickedness, but didn’t think—Arvilly is hash. But I had
to admit that she had some common sense on her side. Sez
she agin:

“The Church of Christ could do anything it wanted to
if it jined its forces, took holt as if it meant to do sunthin’,
but as it is indifference folds its hands, self interest murders
humanity, greed upholds intemperance, and all about us in
Church and State are drink makers and drink takers, and
heaven knows which of ’em will git to hell first!” Arvilly
is dretful hash; when she gits rousted up her indignation is
like lightnin’, and she don’t care where it strikes or who.
It struck Elder Wessel hard.

“T should be afraid!” sez he, and his voice fairly trem-
bled with indignation, “I should be afraid to talk of the
Church of Christ as you do!”

“ Let it behave itself then!” sez Arvilly, “be converted

and come out on the Lord’s side to the help of the weak
aginst the mighty!”
_ “The saloon,” sez Elder Wessel dogmatically, “is the
Poor Man’s Club.” He wuz all rousted up by her hash
talk and come out plainer than he had come. ‘“ The rich
man has his club, and the saloon is the Poor Man’s Club.
He has a right to go there for a little recreation.”

“ Re-creation!’”’ sez Arvilly. “ If you think drinkin’ pizen
whiskey is re-creatin’ a man, you’re different from me.”
118 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

“ And me, too,” sez I. “If you call it re-creatin’ to go
to the Poor Man’s Club sober and sane,” sez Arvilly, “and
stagger home at midnight crazy drunk, I say he hain’t no
right to re-create himself that way; he re-creates himself
from a good man and worthy member of society into a
fiend, a burden and terror to his family and community.
Now Elder White’s idee of re-creatin’ men is different; he
believes in takin’ bad men and re-creatin’ ’em into good
ones, and I wish that every minister on earth would go and do
likewise.”

“T know nothin’ about Elder White,” sez Elder Wessel
hautily.

“ He’s our minister in Loontown,” sez Arvilly. ‘“ He
has his church open every night in the week for re-creatin’
in the right way.”

“JT don’t approve of that,” sez Elder Wessel. ‘“ The
church of the Most High is too sacred to use for such pur-
poses.”

“ A minister said that once to Elder White,” sez Arvilly,
“and he answered ’em with that warm meller smile of hisen,
“Where are my boys and girls more welcome and safe than
at home, and this is their Father’s house,’ ” sez he.

“Using that holy place for recreation is very wrong,”
sez Elder Wessel.

Sez Arvilly, “I told you that he used it to re-create anew
to goodness and strength. He has music, good books, inno-
cent games of all kinds, bright light, warmth, cheerful so-
ciety, good lectures, and an atmosphere of good helpful
influences surroundin’ ’em, and he has sandwiches and coffee
served in what wuz the pastor’s study, and which he uses
now, Heaven knows, to study the big problem how a minis-
ter of the Most High can do the most good to his people.”

“ Coffee,” sez Elder Wessel, “is all right in its place,
but the common workman hankers after something stronger ;
he wants his beer or toddy, the glass that makes him for-
get his trouble for a time, and lifts him into another world.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 119

“ Well, I spoze the opium eater and cocaine fiend hanker
after the fool paradise these drugs take ’em into, but that's
no sign that they ort to destroy themselves with ’em.”’

“ Coffee, too, is deleterious,” sez Elder Wessel. “ Some
say that it is worse than whiskey.”

I spoke up then; I am a good coffee maker, everybody
admits, and I couldn’t bear to hear Ernest White talked
aginst, and I sez: “I never hearn of a workman drinkin’
so much coffee that he wuz a danger to his family and the
community, or so carried away with it that he spent his
hull wages on it. Such talk is foolish and only meant to
blind the eyes of justice and common sense. Elder White’s
Mutual Help Club, as he calls it, for he makes these folks
think they help him, and mebby they do, is doin’ sights of
good, sights of it. Young folks who wuz well started to-
wards the drunkard’s path have been turned right round
by it, and they save their wages and look like different men
since they have left the Poor Man’s Club, as you call it,
and patronize hisen.”

“And Elder White has showed,” sez Arvilly, ‘“ by his
example just what the Church of Christ could do if it wanted
to, to save men from the evil of this present time and git ’em
headed towards the Celestial City.”

“Oh!” sez Elder Wessel, ‘“I would no more use the
church dedicated to the Most. High in the way you speak
of than I would use the communion cup to pass water in.”

“Tf a man wuz dyin’ of thirst, and that cup could be
used to save him, don’t you spoze the Lord would want it
used for that, Elder Wessel?” sez Arvilly.

“Oh, no! oh, no!” sez he: “ give not that which is holy
unto dogs; cast not your pearls before swine.”

“That is jest what I have been preachin’ to you,” sez
Arvilly. ‘ Give not that which is holy, the best nater, and
goodness of boys and men to the dogs, the brutes that lay
in wait for ’em in whiskey laws. The God in man is mur-
120 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

dered every ‘lection day by professors of religion and minis-
ters.”

“ Why—whyee,” sez Elder Wessel, sinkin’ back in his
chair.

“Yes,” sez the dantless Arvilly, “I mean jest what I
say; them that refuse to vote and help in the matter are
jest as guilty as license voters; they are consentin’ to the
crucifixion of Christ in man. And the poor drunkards are
not the only ones they help nail to the cross. The inno-
cent life and happiness of wimmen and children these wicked
laws lift up on the cross of agony, and their hearts’ blood
cries to heaven for judgment on them that might have
helped ’em and would not. The Church of Christ is responsi-
ble for this crime,” sez Arvilly, “for there is not an evil
on earth that could stand before the combined strength of a
united church.”

Sez Elder Wessel, gittin’ back considerable dignity (her
hash talk madded him awfully), sez he, “1 simply see things
in another light from what you do.”

“ He that is not for me is against me,” sez Arvilly.

Sez the Elder in a dogmatic axent, real doggy it wuz,
“T say again, the saloon is the Poor Man’s Club.”

And I sez dreamily, “ Talkin’ of a club as a club, a club
in the hands of a drunken man, strikin’ at and destroyin’ all
the safety and happiness of a home, yes,” sez I, “ it is such a
club.”

“Yes,” sez Arvilly, “if poundin’ his wife to jelly, and
his children to deformity and death, is a Poor Man’s Club,
the saloon is one.”

Sez he agin, “ Rich men have their clubs to which they
may go, and drink all they choose—carouse, do as they
please, and why not poor men, too?” he added.

And I sez, “ Grantin’ that rich men do drink and carouse
at their clubs, as I don’t know whether they do or not, two
wrongs never made one right, and the liquor couldn’t hurt
‘em so much, for they can buy it pure, and the poor man’s
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 121

drink is pizen by adulteration, makin’ a more dangerous
drunk, ruinin’ their health and makin’ ’em spilin’ for fights
and bloodshed. The rich man can stay all night at his club,
or if he goes home the decorous butler or vally can tend
to him and protect his family if need be; he won’t stagger
in at midnight to a comfortless room, where his wife and
little ones are herded in cold and starvation and are alone
and at his mercy, and the rich man’s carouse at his club won't
keep his wife and children hungry for a week.”

Bein’ driv out of that position Elder Wessel tried a new
tact: “The poor man has just as much right to the social
enjoyment they git out of their saloon as you have, madam,
to your afternoon teas, and church socials.”

“What hinders the poor man from ’tendin’ socials?”
sez Arvilly, spiritedly. ‘“‘ They are always bein’ teased to,
and anyway I never knew tea to make anbody crazy drunk.”

“The poor man,” sez Elder Wessel in his most dictorial
way, all of Arvilly’s talk havin’ slipped offen him like rain
water offen a brass horn, “the poor man, after he has
worked hard all day, and has nothing to go home to but a
room full of cryin’ children, discomfort, squalor and a com-
plaining wife, is justified in my opinion to go to the only
bright, happy place he knows of, the saloon.”

But I sez, bein’ such a case for justice, “ How is it with
the wife who has worked hard all day in the home of dis-
comfort and squalor, her work being rendered ten times
harder and more nerve destroying than her husband’s by
the care of the cryin’ children, how would it be for them,
who are equally responsible for the marriage and the chil-
dren, to take holt together and make the children happier
and the home less full of discomfort? ”

“Yes,” sez Arvilly, ‘‘is it goin’ to make the home less
full of discomfort to have him reel home at midnight and
dash the hungry cryin’ baby aginst the wall and put out its
feeble life, and mebby kill the complainin’ wife too?”
122 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“‘ Oh, those are extreme cases and uncommon,” sez Elder
Wessel.

“ Not oncommon at all,” sez Arvilly. “If you read the
daily papers you will see such things as this, the direct work
of the saloon, are continually occurring, too common in fact
to attract much.attention.”

He couldn’t deny this, for he knew that we read the pa-
pers jest the same as he did, and the fact that he couldn’t
deny it seemed to kinder tire him, and he sez, getting up:

“T guess I will go and smoke a cigar.” And he went.
And I went up to my room, too, to pack my satchel bag, for
we expected to start the very next mornin’ and to be gone
about a week or ten days.

Well, the steamer took us to Hilo, and the panorama
that swep’ by us on that steamer can’t never be reproduced
by any camera or kodak; the sapphire blue water, the hills
standing like mountains of beaten gold and velvety green ver-
dure, and beyond the soft blue and purple mountain ranges,
agin deep clefts and cliffs of richest colored rocks with
feathery white waterfalls floating down on ’em like a veil,
anon pleasant landscapes, sugar cane plantations, picturesque
houses, windmills, orchards, dancing brooks and broad green
fields. No dissolvin’ view wuz ever so entrancin’, but like
all others it had to dissolve.

We reached Hilo the second day and we all went to a
comfortable tarven, and the next mornin’ bright and early
we sot off on the stage for the volcano over, I state, and
state it fearlessly, the most beautiful road that wuz ever built
towards any volcano or anything else. Why, I’ve thought
that the road between Jonesville and Loontown wuz beauti-
ful and easy travellin’.. Old Hagadone is path-master and
vain of the road, and calls the men out twice a year to pay
poll taxes and such by workin’ it. Sugar maples, elder
bushes, and shuemakes, and wild grapes and ivy run along
the side of the stun wall, makin’ it, I always had thought, on-
approachable in beauty. But, good land! if old Hagadone
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 123

had seen that road he would have turned green as grass with
envy.

Imagine a wide road, smooth as glass, cut right out of
a glowing tropical forest with a almost onimagined splendor,
that I spoze was meant to be onseen by mortal eyes, risin’ up
on each side on’t. Why, I’ve been as proud as a peacock
of my little hibiscus growin’ in grandma Allen’s old teapot,
and when that blowed out one little blow I called the neigh-
bors in to witness the gorgeous sight. Imagine a hibiscus
tree, as big as one of our biggest maples, fairly burnin’
all over with the gorgeous blossoms, and bananas with their
great glossy leaves, and lantannas. Wuzn’t I proud of my
lantanna growin’ in Ma Smith’s blue sugar bowl? I thought
it wuz a lovely sight when it had three blows on it at one
time. But imagine milds and milds of ’em risin’ up thirty
feet on each side of the road, and little spindlin’ palms, that
we envy if growin’ two feet high, growin’ here to a hundred
feet or more, and begonias and geraniums growin’ up into
tall trees and of every color, tuberoses and magnolias loadin’
the air with fragance, the glossy green of the ohia tree with
the iaia vine climbing and racing over it all, mingled in with
tamarind and oranges and bamboo, and oleanders with their
delicious pink and white blossoms. Sez J: “ Do you remem-
ber my little oleander growin’ in a sap bucket, Josiah? Did
you ever think of seein’ ’em growin’ fifty feet high? What
a priceless treasure one would be in Jonesville.”

And he whispered back real voyalent: “Don’t think,
Samantha, of gittin’ me to lug one of them fifty-foot trees
all the way hum. [ve broke my back for years luggin’
round your old oleander in a tub, but never will I tackle one
of them trees,” and he looked up defiantly into the glossy
boughs overhead.

“JT hain’t asked you to, Josiah, but,” sez I dreamily: “I
would love to git some slips of them fuchia and begonia trees,
and that jasmine,” sez I, pintin’ up to the emerald waves of
foliage enriched by them I have named, and as many other
124 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

glowin’ with perfume and beauty as there are stars in the
heavens, or so it seemed to me. Sez I: “ What a show I
could make in Jonesville with ’em.” Sez I: ‘“‘ What would
Miss Bobbett and Sister Henzy say if they could see ’em?”’
And I pinted up at a gigantick trumpet creeper and con-
volvuli, festooned along the boughs of a giant geranium and
hanging down its banner of bloom.

“They'd say, let well enough alone. I tell you I can’t
break up my trip diggin’ dirt and tendin’ to a lot of house-
plants from Dan to Beersheba.”

“We're not goin’ to Dan,” sez I, “and if we wuz a man
might meet Dan doin’ worse than pleasin’ his pardner. Look
at that jasmine,” sez I. “Is that much like that little slip of
Sister Bobbett’s growin’ in a tea-cup? And see! oh, do see,
Josiah, them night bloomin’ ceriuses! Oh, take it on a moon-
light night, the walls of fragrant green on either side, and
them lovely blows, hundreds and thousands of ’em shinin’
out like stars of whiteness, full of the odor of Paradise. Oh,
what a sight, Josiah Allen, for us to see!”

And he sez, “ Don’t git any idee, Samantha, of vou and
me comin’ way back here by moonlight, for we can’t do it.
The road is thirty milds long, and if we tried it we shouldn’t
git here till they had done blowin’.”’

“T hain’t no idee of tryin’ it, Josiah, I wuz only revellin’
in the idee of what the glory of the sight must be.”

“Well,” sez he, “I am revellin’ in the idee of havin’ a
good meat dinner if we ever git to Hilo.” And he added
with a sarcastick smile, “ Don’t that make you think of
poker? High, low—all it wants is Jack and the Game.”

I gin him a stern look and sez, “ Some knowledge is de-
meanin’ to a perfessor.” And he acted puggicky and didn’t
say another word for a mild or so. But I sot calm and
looked away into the entrancin’ seen. And all the time we
wuz rollin’ on towards the volcano.

Robert and Dorothy seemed to be enjoying the seen as
much as I did, and Arvilly wuz tryin’ to canvass the Scotch-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 125

man. The Englishman had already bought the “Twin
Crimes,” and so she wuz as happy as she ever would be, I
spozed.

Well, after that long enchantin’ ride through Paradise,
at last we reached the place we wuz bound for and put up to
the Volcano House, from which a good view of the volcano
is seen at night, but nothin’ to what it is to stand on its
shores. Well, I will pass over all intervenin’ incidents, some
as the lava duz when it gits started, and draw the curtain
on us agin as we stood in front of that awful, majestic, dret-
ful, sublime, unapproachable, devilish, glorious—a thousand
times glorious—and not to be forgot till death, sight.
Tongue can’t utter words to describe it; the pen hain’t made,
the egg hain’t laid to hatch out the soarin’ eagle whose
feathers could be wrought into a pen fittin’ to describe that
seen. Why, I have thought when the mash got to burnin’
down to the lake it wuz a grand sight; Jonesvillians have
driv milds to see it. I have seen upwards of ten acres of the
mash burnin’ over at one time, and felt awestruck, and so
did Sister Bobbett, for we went down together once with
our pardners on a buckboard. But, sez I to myself almost
instinctively :

“What if Sister Bobbett wuz here? What would she
say?”

Imagine a great lake of fire instead of water, waves of
burning lava dashing up onto its shores, bustin’ way up in
the air at times, towerin’ pillers of flame, swishin’ and swash-
in’, fire and flames, and brimstun for all I know. What—
what wuz goin’ on way down in the depths below if this
wuz the seen outside? So wildly I questioned my heart and
Josiah. “Oh, Josiah!” sez I, “ what—what a sight! Did
I ever expect to witness such a seen? No, oh no,” I sez.
‘What do you spoze is goin’ on inside of that great roarin’,
blazin’ monster?” Sez he, “I know what’s goin’ on inside
of me; I know I am jest starvin’, faintin’ away fur want of
food.”
126 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

“Well,” sez I soothin’ly, “ when we get back to the Vol-
cano House I will ask for some bread and milk for you.”

“Bread and milk!” sez he bitterly. “I want pork and
beans, and ham, and biled greens, and chicken pie and In-
jun puddin’!”

“Well, well,” sez I, “be calm. Do jest see them great
waves and fields of lava, milds and milds of ’em, once jest
melted fire, rollin’ on and rollin’ on—what a sight!” sez I.
On one side wuz a sort of a high terrace, over which the
fiery flames had fell and hardened into solid waves lookin’
some as our Niagara would look if her flowin’ waters should
suddenly harden as they flowed. I pinted it out to Arvilly,
who wuz by my side. Sez I, “ Do look at that! It seems
as if Nater had jest hung up that stupendous sheet there
and writ on it the word Glory! Unapproachable glory and
magesty!”

Sez Arvilly dreamily, “If I could jest dig out in that
smooth lava the words, ‘ The Twin Crimes of America—In-
temperance and Greed,’ and train the volcano to run blazin’
fire into the mould, what a advertisement that would be
for my book, or for the ‘ Wild, Wicked and Warlike Deeds
of Man.’ It would help the sale of both on ’em tremen-
dously.”

And I sez, “ Don’t try to train no volcanos, Arvilly;
you would find them worse to handle than any man you ever
tackled.”

“ Well,” sez she dreamily, “I believe it could be done.”

Robert Strong and Dorothy stood clost together, he
a-protectin’ her, as I spozed. ’Tennyrate he seemed dret-
ful careful where she stepped and how and when, and she
looked up real confidin’ and sweet into his face, and then;
awestruck and wonder smit, down into the burnin’ lake be-
low. The Englishman and Scotchman had gone on a little
nigher to it, with the guide. Hale-mau-mau (House of End-
less Fire), well did the natives name it. Well, it wuz long
before we tore ourselves from the sublime seen, and I dremp
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 127

of it all night. I see Josiah bore from me on the lava flood,
and then agin I wuz swep’ from him and dashed up on a
billow of flame, and visey versey, versey visey. I had a dret-
ful night, and got up twice and looked out of the winder
on the grand spectacle. But towards mornin’ I had a beauti-
ful vision: my pardner and me wuz bore back to Jones-
ville, and sot in our own door yard under a spreadin’ gera-
nium tree, and Sister Bobbett stood admirin’ly before me
with a tea-cup in her hand, beggin’ for a slip from the im-
mense branches. It wuz a sweet dream, and I waked up re-
freshed.
CHAPTER XI

ELL, one week later we found ourselves agin on
the boundless deep, the broad Pacific, bound
for the Philippines. How fur off from Jones-
ville did I seem as I thought on’t, but Love
journeyed with me, and Duty. Tommy wuz

gittin’ fat and rosy, his cough grew better every day, and he

looked and acted like a different child.

This wuz to be a longer voyage than we had took. We
layed out to stop to the Philippines first, and so on to China
and Japan. It beats all how soon you settle down and seem
to feel as if the great ship you are embarked on is the world,
and the little corner you occupy your home, specially if you
have a devoted pardner with you to share your corner, for
Love can make a home anywhere. Arvilly got a number
of new subscribers and made friends amongst the passengers,
but Elder Wessel avoided her. And he didn’t seem to like
Sister Evangeline. I told him what I had seen and hearn,
for it seemed to me like a olive branch bore into our dark,
rainy world by a dove of Paradise. But he scoffed at it; he
said that it wuz all imagination. But I sez: “It hain’t im-
agination that the poor woman wuz dyin’ and Sister Evan-
geline saved her.” And he said that wuz a coincidence,
and I said that it wuz a pity there wuzn’t more such coinci-
dences. And he didn’t answer me at all. He wuz settin’
up on his creed with his legs hangin’ off, and he sot straight,
no danger of his gittin’ off and goin’ down amongst the poor
steerage passengers and helpin’ em. He thought he wuz
a eminent Christian, but in my opinion he might have been
converted over agin without doin’ him any harm.

Well, the big world we wuz inhabitin’ moved on over

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH 129

the calm waters. Josiah read a good deal, settin’ in the
library with Tommy on his knee. And I read some myself,
but took considerable comfort studyin’ the different pas-
sengers, some as if they wuz books with different bindin’s,
some gilt and gay, some dull and solid and some sombry,
but each with different readin’ inside.

And stiddy and swift, onheedin’ any of our feelin’s or
fears, the great ship ploughed on, takin’ us towards that wuz
comin’ to meet us onbeknown to us. Miss Meechim kep’ up
pretty well, keepin’ a good lookout on Dorothy, but restin’
her mind on Robert Strong’s protection, and Robert and
Dorothy seemed to enjoy themselves better and better all
the time, singing together, and walking up and down the
deck for hours on pleasant days and matchless nights lit
with the brilliant light of moon and star, and Southern Cross,
and I didn’t know what other light might be shinin’ on
’em onbeknown to Miss Meechim, but mistrusted by me.

Elder Wessel, when we wuz with Lucia, didn’t seem to
want anything else on earth. She wuz a pretty girl, but I
could see that she wuz very romantic; she had read sights
of novels, and wuz lookin’ out for some prince in disguise
to ride up on a white charger to carry her off and share his
throne. But I could see that if the right influences wuz
throwd around her she had the makin’ of a noble woman
in her, and I hoped she would grow up a good, helpful
woman. She had a great influence over Aronette, whose na-
ter wuz more yieldin’ and gentle, and I didn’t altogether
approve of their intimacy, but considered that it would
be broke off pretty quick, as they would part for good and
all when we got to China. You may wonder why I worried
about Aronette; well, the reason wuz, I loved her, jest as
everybody else did who knew her well. She wuz a darling
girl, always sweet tempered, always trying to help some-
body; Dorothy loved her just as much as though she wuz
her sister and would have treated her exactly like one if it
hadn’t been for Miss Meechim. She loved Aronette her-

9
130 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR

self, and showed her love by her goodness, buying her every-
thing she needed and didn’t need, but she wuz so hauty natu-
rally that she insisted on Aronette’s keepin’ her place, as she
said. And she was so sweet dispositioned and humble sper-
ited she didn’t want to do any different. Well, I spoze Miss
Meechim wuz right; if Aronette wuz Dorothy’s maid it
wuzn’t to be expected that she would take her visitin’ with
her, and it wuz Aronette’s delight to wait on Dorothy as
devotedly as if no ties of love bound their young hearts to-
gether. Robert Strong liked and respected her, I spoze
mebby on Dorothy’s account, and Tommy adored her; why,
even Josiah felt towards her, he said, some as if she wuz
Tirzah Ann growed young agin.

Arvilly’s heart she won completely by makin’ her a
bag to carry the “ Twin Crimes” in. It wuz made of hand-
some black silk, worked all round in pink silk in a hand-
some pattern, and she had worked on one side in big let-
ters, “The Twin Crimes of America, Intemperance and
Greed.”

Arvilly almost cried with: joy when she gin it to her, and
sez to me, “ That Aronette is the best girl in the hull world
and the sweetest. Look at that embroidery,” sez she, holdin’
up the handsome bag before my eyes, “you can see that
as fur as you can see me; that bag alone is enough to sell the
book, and I wuz jest wearin’ out the agent’s copy. There
hain’t anything in the world I wouldn’t do for that girl.”
Yes, we all loved her dearly, and a dozen times a day we
would say to each other what should we ever do without
Aronette.

Josiah wuz seasick some, but not nigh so bad as he
thought, and Tommy kept well and happy all the time, and
wonnered and wonnered at everything and seemed to take
comfort in it, and he would set in his little chair on deck
and talk to Carabi for hours, and I d’no whether Carabi wuz
enjoyin’ the trip or not; I didn’t seem to have any way of
knowin’. One day Tommy and I wuz lookin’ off on the
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 131

broad blue waters and we see approachin’ what looked like
a boat with its tiny sail set. It looked so like a boat set out
from fairyland that instinctively I thought of Carabi, but a
passenger standin’ by said that it wuz a Nautilus, and after-
wards we see lots of ’em. And the Southern Cross bent
over us nights as if to uphold our souls with the thought
that our heavenly gardeen would take care on us. And
some nights the sea wuz lit up with phosphorescent light
into a seen of glory that I can’t describe and hain’t goin’
to let Josiah try to; I hain’t a goin’ to have that man made
light of, and Shakespeare couldn’t do justice to it. Low
down over our heads the heavens leaned, the glassy waters
aspired upward in sparks of flame. The south wind whis-
pered soft, strange secrets to us, sweeping up from the misty
horizon. Our souls listened—but shaw! I said I wuzn’t
goin’ to try to describe the glory and I hain’t.

And the ship sailed on. One evenin’ there wuz another
steamer sighted, most everybody wuz on deck. Sister Evan-
geline wuz down takin’ care of that poor woman and child
and the fever patients; Tommy wuz asleep; Josiah wuz read-
in’ the old newspaper he had wropped his clothes in, and
which he had treasured fondly. He wuz readin’ the adver-
tisements, Help Wanted and such. I asked him what good
them advertisements would do him ten thousand milds from
hum, but he said no knowin’ what might happen and any-
thing in the paper wuz good readin’.

That man’s blind adherence to party has caused me many
a forebodin’, it is a menace to good government and public
safety, and I have told him so. Well, I santered down into
the cabin and there I found Elder Wessel all alone. He
had jest been readin’ a powerful editorial that coincided with
his views exactly, and he leaned back and put a thumb in each
arm-hole of his vest and sez:

“ What a glorious work the United States is doin’ here
in the Philippines.”

And I sez, “ Yes, that is so, the United States is doin’ a
132 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

great and noble work in educating and civilizing the natives,
if it wuzn’t for the one great mistake she is making and duz
make wherever she plants her banner in a new country
amongst a new people.

“Side by side with her schoolhouses and churches that
are trying to lift humanity heavenward the American Saloon
is found lowering humanity and undoing the work these
ministers and teachers have so faithfully tried to do.”

I guess he didn’t hear me, but ’tennyrate he went right
on: “ Oh, yes, oh, yes, our Christian nation goes to these be-
nighted islands, carrying Christianity and civilization in its
hand. Of course they may not ever come up to the hite of our
own perfect, matchless civilization, but they will approach it,
they will approach it.”

Sez Arvilly: “ Our nation won’t come up to them in years
and years, if it ever duz!”

He jumped as if he had been shot; he thought we wuz
alone, and sez: “ Why—why, Sister Arvilly—you must admit
these savages are behind us in knowledge.”

“So much the worse for us; the sin of ignorance is goin’
to be winked at, but if we know better we ort to do better.”
Elder Wessel wuz stunted, but he murmured instinctively
sunthin’ about our carryin’ the Bible and the knowledge of
heaven to ’em.

Arvilly snapped out: “ What good will that do if we
carry private hells to burn ’em up before they die? A pretty
help that is! What is the use of teachin’ ’em about heaven if
our civilization makes sure the first thing it duz to keep ’em
out of it, for no drunkard shall inherit heaven. What’s the
use of gittin’ °em to hankerin’ after sunthin’ they can’t have.”

The Elder wuz almost paralyzed, but he murmured in-
stinctively sunthin’ about our duty to the poor naked
heathen hanging like monkeys from the tree tops, like ani-
mals even in their recreation. And Arvilly bein’ so rousted
up and beyend reasonable reason, sez: “ That’s their bizness
about not bein’ clothed, and anyway it is jest as the Lord
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 133

started the human race out in the Garden of Eden, and they
do wear enough to cover their nakedness, and that’s more
than some of our fashionable wimmen do, and ’tennyrate
they don’t suffer so much as our wimmen do with their
torturin’ tight shoes and steel instruments of agony bound
round their waists, compressin’ their vital organs into a mass
of deformity.”

Elder Wessel wuz so browbeat that he kinder got offen
his subject, and with a dazed look he murmured sunthin’
about “the wicked religion of Cuba when the Americans
took it—the Papal indulgences, the cruel bull fights, the na-
tional recreations—you could always tell the low state of a
nation’s civilization by the brutish recreations they indulged
in.”

Sez Arvilly, in a loud, mad axent, “ Talk about brutal
amusements, why they ort to send missionaries to America
to reform us as fur up in decency as to use animals to fight
fur our recreation instead of human bein’s. Bulls hain’t
spozed to have immortal souls, and think how America
pays two men made in the image of God so much an hour—
high wages, too—to beat and pound and maim and kill each
other for the amusement of a congregation of Christian men
and wimmen, who set and applaud and howl with delight
when a more cruel blow than common fells one on ’em to
the earth. And then our newspapers fight it all over for the
enjoyment of the family fireside, for the wimmen and chil-
dren and invalids, mebby, that couldn’t take in the rare treat
at first sight. Every blow, every cruel bruise that wuz made
in the suffering flesh reproduced for Sunday reading. And
if one of the fighters is killed and his mangled body taken
out of the fighting ring forever, taken home to his wife and
children with the comfortin’ peticulars that he wuz killed
for the amusement of men and wimmen, most on ’em church
members, and all citizens of our Christian republic by special
license of the government, why then the newspapers, which
are the exponents of our civilization and the teachers of our
134 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

youth, have a splendid time relating the ghastly story under
staring headlines. After all this, talk to me about our coun-
try’s dastin to have the face to reform any other country’s
amusement. Our prize fights that our nation gives licenses
for its people to enjoy are as much worse than bull fights, in
view of America’s professions of goodness, as it would be
for an angel to fly down ‘lection day amongst a drunken
crowd and git drunk as a fool, and stagger round and act
with her wings dirty and a-floppin’.”

Elder Wessel wuz took completely back, I could see, by
Arvilly’s eloquence, and I wuz myself. The sharp-toothed
harrow of grief had turned up new furrows in her soul, in
which strange plants growed. And before Elder Wessel
could speak she went on a-thinkin’ back about sunthin’ he’d
said.

“Indulgences to sin! If I granted licenses for all kinds
of sin for money, as our nation duz, I wouldn’t talk about
Papal indulgences. See how wimmen are used—embruted,
insulted, ground beneath the heel of lust and ruin by these
same license laws.”

“ But, Sister Arvilly,” sez he, “I was reading only this
morning a sermon upon how much our civilization had to do
in lifting women into the high place they occupy to-day.”

“ High place!” sez Arvilly, and I fairly trembled in my
shoes to hear her axent. “ Wimmen occupy a dretful high
place. I can tell you jest the place she occupies. You have
been told of it often enough; you ort to know it, but don’t
seem to. A woman occupies the same bench with lunatics,
idiots and criminals, only hern is enough sight harder under
legal licenses and taxation laws.”

“ But,” sez the Elder, ‘‘ the courtesy with which women
are treated, the politeness, the deference o

“Tf you wuz kicked out of your meetin’ house, Elder
Wessel, would it make any difference to you whether the
shue you wuz kicked with wuz patent leather or cowhide?

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 135

The important thing to you would be that you wuz layin’ on
the ground outside, and the door locked behind you.”

Sez Elder Wessel, “ That is a strong metafor, Sister Ar-
villy. I had never looked at it in that light before.”

“T presume so,” sez she. “The very reason why there
are so many cryin’ abuses to-day is because good men spend
their strength in writin’ eloquent sermons aginst sin, and let-
tin’ it alone, instead of grapplin’ with it at the ballot box.
Our Lord took a whip and scourged the money changers
out of the temple. And that is what ministers ort to do, and
have got to do, if the world is saved from its sins—scourge
the money changers who sell purity and honor, true religion
and goodness for money.

“ Satan don’t care how much ministers talk about temper-
ance and goodness and morality in the pulpit to a lot of
wimmen and children that the congregations are made up
of mostly, or how many essays are writ about it, tied with
blue ribbin. But when ministers and church members take
hold on it as Ernest White has and attacks it at the ballot
box, and defends and reinforces the right and left flank
with all the spiritual and material and legal forces he can
muster, why then Satan feels his throne tremble under him
and he shakes in his shues.”’

But before Elder Wessel could frame a reply Josiah
come in with the news that the steamer had approached and
brung mail to the passengers. And we all hurried up to see
what we had got.

Well, the steamer wuz passin’ away like ships in the night,
but I found that I had several letters from home. The
children wuz gettin’ well. Philury and Ury well and doin’
well. And one letter wuz from Cousin John Richard, that
blessed creeter! who, it will be remembered, went to Africa
as a missionary to help the colony of freedmen to a knowledge
of the true freedom in Christ Jesus. Only two idees that
blessed creeter ever seemed to have: first, what his duty wuz,
and, second, to do it. His letter run as follows:
136 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“Dear Cousin: Here in the far off tropics where I
thought to live and die with the people I have loved and
given my life to help, the Lord has wonderfully blessed our
labors. The Colony is prospering as I never expected to see
it. The people are beginning to see that a true republic can
only exist by governing one’s own self, that in the hands of
each individual is the destiny of the nation. We are a peaceful
people, greatly helped under the Lord by the fact that not a
saloon blackens the pure air of Victor.

“How can the crazed brain of a drunken man help a na-
tion only to weaken and destroy? How can children born
under the curse of drink be otherwise than a burden and
curse to the public weal? How can a righteous ruler handle
this menace to freedom and purity save to stamp it beneath
his feet? As we have no saloons in Victor, so we have no
almshouses or prisons, the few poor and wrongdoers being
cared for by private individuals, remunerated by public tax.

“So greatly has the Lord prospered us that I felt I was
needed elsewhere more than here; I felt that America in-
stead of Africa needed the help of teachers of the Most High.
Tidings have reached me from the Philippines that made me
think it was my duty to go there. Into these islands, in-
habited, as has been said, by people ‘half devil, half child,’
has been introduced the worst crime of America, the drink
evil, the worst demon outside the bottomless pit, making
of sane, good men brutes and demons, a danger to them-
selves and the whole community.

“ It is hard to believe that a Christian civilization, a Chris-
tian ruler, should send regiments of bright young boys so
far from all the deterring influences of home and home life;
send those who were the light of happy homes, the idols of
fond hearts, to face the dreadful climate, the savage warfare,
to colonize the graveyards in the sodden earth, to be thrown
into the worst evils of war, to face danger and death, and
with all this provided by the government that should pro-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 137

tect them this dreadful temptation to ensnare their boyish
wills and lead them into captivity.

“Then I could not leave Victor, but now that I can I
feel that God is calling me to go there to preach the gospel
of Christ, to fight this mighty foe, Intemperance, to preach
the gospel of sane and clean living and thinking. Knowing
from my experience here in Victor, had I no other knowl-
edge of it, how that blessed gospel of love is the only true
liberty. For what advantage is liberty of the body when the
soul, the weak will, is bound in the most galling of chains?

“ America is doing a great work in educating and helping
this country, and were it not for this evil I go to combat, its
work would be blessed of God and man.

“So, as I said, I sail to-morrow for the Philippines with
three of my native converts, good Christians, willing to die,
if need be, for their faith.”

This letter had been written more than a month, so long
had it been comin’ to me, and I wuz tickled enough to think
that when we got to the Philippines we should see Cousin
John Richard.
CHAPTER XII

as we come up to it some as old Shelmadine’s
land lays along the lake shore. So you'd
think that if it rained hard and raised the
water a inch it would overflow it. And the
houses looked dretful low and squatty, mebby it wuz on ac-
count of earthquakes they built ’em so. Josiah thought it
wuz so they could shingle ’em standin’ on the ground. I
inclined to the earthquakes.

Our boat wuz small enough to go over the surf and up
the Pasig River. The water didn’t look very clean, and on
it wuz floatin’ what looked like little cabbage heads. Josiah
thought they wuz, and sez he real excited:

“ Thank fortin if they have cabbages to throw away here
I shall be likely to git a good biled dinner, and mebby a
biled puddin’ with lemon sass.”

But they wuzn’t cabbages, they wuz some kind of a water
plant that growed right there in the water. As we sailed
along some queer lookin’ boats, lookin’ some like corn
houses standin’ on end, bulged out towards us from the
shore. They said they wuz cargo lighters to onload ships,
and mebby they wuz. And one peculiarity I see that I
despised. The natives all seemed to wear their shirts over
their pantaloons, hangin’ loose, and some on ’em didn’t have
on any pantaloons, jest the shirt, and some not even that,
jest a sash or so tied round about ’em.

I despised the sight and sez to Josiah: “ They might do
as much as Adam did anyway; they might wear some leaves
round ’em, there is plenty of fig trees here I spoze.”

And he sez: “I have been thinkin’ that it is a crackin’

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFR 139

good idee to wear the shirt over the pantaloons; it would
be cool and look all right after we got used to it; the bot-
tom of the shirt could be ruffled or trimmed with tattin or
red braid, and they would look as dressy agin as I’ve always
wore ’em.’

I looked daggers at him out of my eyes and sez: “ What
won't you take it into your head to do next, Josiah Allen?”

But our attention wuz drawed off by Arvilly, who ap-
proached us. She looked skornfully at the costoom of the
natives, and I hearn her say to herself: ‘“‘ Not much chance
to canvass here.” But even as she spoke her eye fell hope-
fully on the opposite shore, like a good book agent scanning
the earth and heavens for a possible subscriber.

Miss Meechim, who had come on deck with Dorothy
and Robert, looked benignantly at the natives and sez:
“The poor ye shall always have with you,” and she put her
hand in the little bag that she always wore at her side and
said: “I wonder if I have got a copy of that blessed tract
with me, ‘The Naked Sinner Clothed and in His Right
Mind.’ ”

But Robert sez to her: “ They wouldn’t thank you for
clothes, Aunt Albina; you will have to wait until we reach
New York; some of the naked there would be gladly covered
up from the snow and storms.”

“Oh, don’t compare our own blessed land with this
heathen clime.”

“But,” sez Robert, “the warm breezes here bring only
joy and comfort to that sinner’s naked limbs, and the sin
of ignorance may be forgiven. But the shivering sinners,
crouching on the cold stone doorsteps, hearing dimly
through their benumbed senses prayers and thanksgivings
to the Most High for mercies they have no part in, why
that is quite a different matter.”

Aronette wuz standing a little ways apart, talking with
a young man. He wuz payin’ her compliments, I knew, for
there wuz a pink flush on her pretty face, and his eyes had
140 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

admiration in them. I didn’t like his looks at all; he looked
dissipated and kinder mean, and I thought I would warn
her aginst him when I got a good chance. Lucia Wessel,
too, wuz holding her young charge by the hand, but her
attention wuz all drawed off by another young chap that
I’d seen with her a number of times, and I didn’t like his
looks; he had the same sort of a dissipated look that the
other young man had, but I see by the expression of Lucia’s
innocent eyes that she didn’t share in my opinion; she looked
as if she wuz fairly wropped up in him. I wondered what
Elder Wessel would have said if he cquld have seen that
look. But he wuz in blissful ignorance. He thought her
bosom wuz composed of a equal mixture of snow and crystal,
through which he could read every thought and emotion as
soon as they wuz engraved on it. He thought there was
no characters written there as yet by any manly hand save
his own writ in characters of fatherly and daughterly love.
He wuz holdin’ forth to Arvilly, and she with her nose
turned up as fur as nater would let it go, wuz listenin’ be-
cause he wouldn’t let her git away. I thought by her ex-
pression he wuz praisin’ the license laws, for on no other
subject wuz he so eloquent, and on no other did Arvilly’s
nose turn up to such a hite.

Dorothy and Tommy wondered what those strange trees
were that grew on the shore in front, and Robert Strong
hastened to their side to help them to such information as
he had on the subject. And he had knowledge on almost
every subject under the heavens, so it seemed to me.

Well, anon or a little after, we found ourselves on shore
and I wuz glad to feel terry firmy under my feet once more.
Lots of times on board ship the terry wuz so fur from the
firmy that the solid land felt good under the soles of our
shoes. Yes, indeed! And though for some time tables and
chairs, and even beds and bureaus had a way of advancin’
up towards us and then retreatin’ away from us over and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 141

over, yet as I say terry wuz considerable more firmy than
the deck had been.

Well, it wuzn’t long before we found ourselves at a com-
fortable hotel, not too comfortable, but decently so; and in
the fulness of time we wuz seated at the table partaking of
food which, though it didn’t taste like my good Jonesville
vittles, still I could eat and be thankful for. Josiah whis-
pered to me:

“Onions and garlicks and peppers; I never could bear
any on ‘em, and here I be filled up with ’em; there hain’t a
single dish on this table but what’s full of °em. Oh, Sam-
antha!” sez he pitifully, “if I could only eat one of your
good dinnerses or supperses agin’ it seems as if I would be
willin’ to die.”

And I whispered back to him to be calm. Sez I, “ Do
be reasonable; it ain’t logic or religion to expect to be to
home and travellin’ abroad at the same time.”

He see it wuzn’t and subsided with a low groan, and
begun to nibble agin’ on his food, but his looks wuz mourn-
ful, and if I could I would have put on a apron willin’ly and
gone down into the kitchen and cooked him a good square
meal, but I knew it wouldn’t be thought on, so I kep’ calm.

Well, our bed wuz kinder queer. It wuz quite noble
lookin’, four high posts with lace curtains looped up and
mosquito nettin’ danglin’ down, and instead of springs a
woven cane mattress stretched out lookin’ some like our
cane seat chairs. How to git under that canopy and not let
in a swarm of mosquitoes wuz what we didn’t know, but we
did finally creep under and lay down. It wuz like layin’ on
the barn floor, the cane mattress didn’t yield a mite, and
Josiah’s low groans mingled with my sithes for quite a
spell. Tommy wuz fast asleep in his little bed and so
didn’t sense anything. Well, the tegus night passed away,
happily I spoze for the attentive mosquitoes who shared the
canopy with us, and mebby liked to sample foreign acquaint-
142 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

ances, but tegus for us, and-we wuz glad when it wuz time
to git up.

The first meal of the day wuz brought to our room;
chocolate not over good, some bread and some eggs, almost
raw, wuz what it consisted of. Josiah, who wanted some
lamb chops, baked potatoes and coffee, wuz mad as a hen.
“Heavens and earth!” sez he, “ why I never sucked eggs
when a boy; have I got to come to it in my old age? Raw
eggs and chocklate you could cut with a knife. A few years
of such food will leave you a widder, Samantha.”

“Well,” sez I, “ do let’s make the best of it; when you’re
in Rome do as the Romans do.”

“T-shan’t suck eggs, for no Romans or for no Phillip-
pine.”

“ Eat ’em with your spoon,” sez I, “as you'd ort to.”

“ Or with my knife,” sez he. “ Did you see them officers
last night to the table eatin’ sass with a knife? I should
thought ‘they’d cut their mouths open.”

“Well, it is their way here, Josiah. Let’s-keep up and
look forrerd to goin’ home; that’s the best fruit of travellin’
abroad anyway, unless it is seein’ Tommy so well and
hearty.”

Josiah looked at his: rosy face and didn’t complain an-
other word: He jest worships Thomas Josiah. Well, after
we eat this meal we went out walkin’, Josiah and I and
Tommy, and I spoze Carabi went along, too, though we
didn’t see him. But then what two folks ever did see each
other? Why I never see Josiah, and Josiah never see me.
not the real us.

Well, it wuz a strange, strange seen that wuz spread out
before us; the place looked more’n half asleep, and as if it
had been nappin’ for some time; the low odd lookin’ houses
looked too as if they wuz in a sort of a dream or stupor.
The American flag waved out here and there with a kind
of a lazy bewildered floppin’, as if it wuz wonderin’ how un-
der the sun it come to be there ten thousand milds from
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 143

Washington, D. C., and it wuz wonderin’ what on earth it
floated out there in the first place for. But come to look
at it clost you could see a kind of a determined and sot look
in the Stars and Stripes that seemed to say, “ Well, now I
am here I hain’t goin’ to be driv out by no yeller grounded
flags whatsumever.”’

Some of the carriages that we met wuz queer lookin’,
rough wooden two-wheeled carts, that looked as if they'd
been made by hand that mornin’. Josiah said that he could
go out into the woods with Ury and cut down a tree and
make a better lookin’ wagon in half an hour, but I don’t
spoze he could. Some on ’em wuz drawed by a buffalo,
which filled Josiah with new idees about drivin’ one of our
cows in the democrat.

Sez he: “ Samantha, it would be real uneek to take you
to meetin’ with old Line back or Brindle, and if the minister
got dry in meetin’, and you know ministers do git awful dry
sometimes, I could just go out and milk a tumbler full and
pass it round to him.” ;

But I drawed his attention off; I couldn’t brook the idee
of ridin’ after a cow and havin’ it bellerin’ round the meetin’
house. The native wimmen we met wuz some on ’em dressed
American style, and some on ’em dressed in their own pic-
turesque native costoom. It wuz sometimes quite pretty,
and one not calculated to pinch the waist in. A thin waist,
with immense flowing sleeves and embroidered chemise
showing through the waist, a large handkerchief folded
about the neck with ends crossed, a gay skirt with a train
and a square of black cloth drawn tight around the body
from waist to knees. Stockings are not worn very much,
and the slippers are not much more than soles with little
strips of leather going over the foot, and no heels. Anon
we would meet some Chinamen, with eyes set in on a bias,
and their hair hanging in two long tails down their backs;
lots of them we see, then a priest would move slowly along,
then a Spanish sefiora, then a sailor, then perhaps a native
144. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

dressed partly in European costoom lookin’ like a fright.
The’ street cars are little things drawed by one horse, and
the streets are badly paved when they’re paved at all.

There wuz some handsome houses in the residence por-
tion of the city, but aside from the Cathedral there are few
public buildings worth seeing. But one thing they have
here always beautiful, and that is the luxuriant tropical vege-
tation, beautiful blossoming trees and shrubs, and the multi-
tude of flowers, tall palms, bamboo, ebony, log-wood, man-
goes, oranges, lemons, bread fruit, custard apples, and forty
or fifty varieties of bananas, from little ones, not much more
than a mouthful, to them eighteen or twenty inches long.
Josiah enjoyed his walk, finding many things to emulate
when he got back to Jonesville. Among ’em wuz the China-
men’s hair; he thought it wuz a dressy way to comb a man’s
hair, and he wondered dreamily how his would look if he
let it grow out and braid it. But he said if he did, he should
wear red ribbons on it, or baby blue. But I knew there wuz
no danger of his hair ever stringin’ down his back, for I
could, if danger pressed too near, cut it off durin’ his sleep,
and would, too, even if it led to words.

Wall, Arvilly’s first work, after she had canvassed the
hotel-keeper for the “Twin Crimes,” and as many. of the
guests as she could, wuz to find out if Waitstill wuz there.
And sure enough she found her. She wuz in one’ of the
hospitals and doin’ a good work, jest as she would anywhere
she wuz put. She come to the hotel to see us as soon as
she could, and Arvilly seemed to renew her age, having
Waitstill with her agin. We writ to once to Cousin John
Richard.

Robert Strong and Dorothy wuz dretful interested in
Waitstill, I could see, and they asked a great many ques-
tions about her work in the hospital. And I see that Robert
wuz only grounded in his convictions when Waitstill told
him of the sickness the doctors and nurses had to contend
with, and how largely it wuz caused by liquor drinking.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 145

Hundreds of American saloons in Manila, so she said, and
sez she, “ How can the hospitals hope to undo the evils
that these do to men’s souls and bodies?” Sez she, “ You
know what a fearful disease and crime breeder it is in a
temperate climate, but it is tenfold worse here in this trop-
ical land.”

She wuz anxious to hear all the news from Jonesville,
and I willin’ly told her what Phila Ann had told me about
Elder White, and the noble work he was doin’ in East Loon-
town, and I sez, “ Missionary work is jest as necessary and
jest as important and pleasin’ to God if done in Loontown
as in the Antipithies.”

And she said she knew it. And I sez: “ Elder White is
working himself to death, and don’t have the comforts of
life, to say nothin’ of the happiness he ort to.”

Waitstill didn’t say nothin’, but I fancied a faint pink
flush stole up into her white cheeks, some like the color that
flashes up onto a snowbank at sunset. Life wuz all snow
and sunset to her, I could see, but I knowed that she wuz
the one woman in the world for Ernest White, the ideal
woman his soul had always worshipped, and found realized
in Waitstill—poor little creeter!

I didn’t know whether the warm sun of his love could
melt the snow and frozen hail or not—the sun duz melt such
things—and I knew love wuz the greatest thing in the world.
Well, I had to leave the event to Providence, and wuz willin’
to; but yet, after a woman duz leave things to the Most High
to do, she loves to put in her oar and help things along;
mebby that is the way of Providence—who knows? But
*tennyrate I gin another blind hint to her before we left the
conversation.

Sez I, “ Ernest White is doin’ the Lord’s work if ever
a man did, and I can’t think it is the Lord’s will that whilst
he’s doin’ it he ort to eat such bread as he has to—milk
emtin’s and sour at that, to say nothin’ of fried stuff that a
anaconda! couldn’t digest. He deserves a sweet, love-guarded

10.;
146 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

home, and to be tended to by a woman that he loves—one
who could inspire him and help-him on in the heavenly way
he’s treading alone and lonesome.” Her cheeks did turn
pink then, and her eyes looked like deep blue pools in which
stars wuz shinin’, but she didn’t say anything, and Robert
Strong resoomed his talk with her about her hospital work.
And before she left he gin her a big check to use for her
patients; I don’t know exactly how big it wuz, but it went
up into the hundreds, anyway; and Dorothy gin her one,
too, for I see her write it; Miss Meechim gin her her blessin’
and more’n a dozen tracts, which mebby will set well on the
patients, if administered cautious. I myself gin her the
receipt for the best mustard poultice that ever drawed, and
two pairs of clouded blue-and-white wool socks I had knit
on the way, and though it wuz a warm country she said
they would come handy when her patients had chills.

There wuz two young American girls at the hotel, and
they happened to come into the parlor while we wuz talkin’
and they sent a big present to the hospital. I guess they
wuz real well off and good dispositioned. They wuz trav-
ellin’ alone and seemed to be havin’ a real good time. One
on ‘em wuz sunthin’ of a invalid, but wuz outdoors all day,
I spoze tryin’ to git well, They minded their own bizness
and didn’t do any hurt so fur as I could see, but Elder Wes-
sel couldn’t bear em. Sez he to me one day:

“T spoze they represent the new young woman?”

He said it real skornful, and Arvilly, who wuz present,
took him up real snappish. “ Well, what of it? What have
they done?” If that poor man had said that black wuz
black and white wuz white, Arvilly would found fault with it.

“T don’t object to what they have done,” sez he, “so
much as to what they are. Young American women know
too much.”” And Arvilly sez with a meanin’ glance at him,
“ That is sunthin’ that everybody don’t have to stand.”

She might just as well have called him a fool, her axent
wuz such. Arvilly is too hash. Sez he: “ Now my Lucia is
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 14%

different. She knows nothing about sin and wickedness,
and I got this position for her, so that as soon as she left the
convent she was placed directly in the care of this good
woman and her little innocent child. What does she know
of sin or sorrow, or worldliness or vanity?”

“Or danger?” sez I meanin’ly. “If she always has
some one at her side to guard her, her perfect ignorance and
innocence is a charm, but how would it be in the hour of
danger and temptation? Why should anybody fear being
burned if they had no knowledge of fire?”

“Oh,” sez he, “her divine innocence is her safeguard.
Evil would retire abashed before the timid glance of her
pure eyes.”

“T hope so,” sez I dryly. “I hope so. But I never
knew the whiteness of its wool to help a lamb if a wolfdog
got after it. But mebby it will in her case,” sez I reason-
ably. “I don’t want to break up your happiness,” sez I.

“You cannot,” sez he dogmatically. “ You cannot. I
have brought up my Lucia in the only right way for a young
girl to be brought up. She has been completely separated
from young people of the opposite sex; she knows nothing
of fashionable flirting and folly. And when I see such ab-
normal creatures as the New Girl, as they call her, I am
horrified, shocked beyond words at the spectacle of their
brazen independence and what they call their freedom, their
comradeship with the opposite sex, their fearlessness and
boldness and frankness with gentlemen, talking with them
really as if they were of the same sex as themselves. As I
see this I thank God my Lucia is different.”

Well, she wuz a pretty little thing, with eyes as innocent
and timid as a young fawn’s that had never been outside its
green covert in the great wilderness. But I knew that under
her baby looks and baby ways wuz a woman’s heart; a
woman’s emotions and impulses would roust up when the
time come and the sun of love shone down on her. Why,
Nater had layed down laws before Elder Wessel did; he
148 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

couldn’t keep her from thinkin’ about her future mate; she
would let her mind dwell on some one if it wuz only the man
in the moon. And I knew the world wuz full of bad men
as well as good men. How would it be with her if thrown
with a wolf in sheep’s clothing? If guarded and sheltered,
all right, but if onguarded and onwarned and thrown into
temptation and danger, I felt that trouble wuz ahead for
Lucia Wessel. But I knew it wuz no use for me to hist up
a danger flag in front of her, for her father wouldn’t let me.
But I felt dubersome about her, dretful dubersome. She
and Aronette had formed a real girl attachment for each
other, and some way I didn’t like the idee on’t, but don’t
know as I could have told why.

Well, we didn’t lay out to stay long in Manila, but we
did stay long enough so Dorothy and Miss Meechim and
Robert Strong went round and see the different islands.
They went to I!lollo and wuz gone for three days, Aronette
stayin’ with me at the tarven, and Dorothy told me when
she got back how beautiful the journey wuz. The water wuz
like glass, the sunrise and sunset marvellous, thickly wooded
shores on either side filled with oncounted wealth. Great
forests of sandal-wood, enough to build houses of, and how
we treasure little snips on’t in fan sticks. Mahogany trees
enough to build barns and cow stables on, and how we gloat
over a old clock case or lamp stand made on’t. She said that
Illollo wuz like most old Spanish towns, dretful old lookin’
and kinder run down. The natives dressed like others she
had seen, but spoke a different language. They went to the
American general’s headquarters some two milds off. A
hundred varieties of palm trees grow along the road and
every sort of tropical tree. The natives wuz all dark com-
plected, but some good lookin’, most all bareheaded or else
with a gay turban and knives stuck in the sashes of their gay
tunics.

One day whilst the party wuz gone Tommy and I wuz
takin’ a little walk; Josiah couldn’t go, he had got hold of a
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 149

New York paper of three weeks before, and was readin’ it
through from title page to Lost and Found column. We
wandered into a little cross street lined on each side with
little shops with the shopkeepers squattin’ in the door, and
outside the native wives and children. Everything under
the sun almost wuz to be found in these shops, and we had
wandered along for quite a good ways lookin’ at the curious
things, and still more curious people, when we met Aronette
and Lucia, accompanied by the two young men I had seen
with ’em on the boat; they wuz on the stoop of one of the
old business buildin’s, gigglin’ and laughin’ like a bevy of
swallers round the eaves of a Jonesville barn.

But, as I said before, I didn’t like the looks of the young
men, and on Aronette’s return I told her so, feelin’ I wuz
in a measure responsible for her safety whilst her mistress
wuz away. Aronette wuz combin’ Tommy’s hair and curlin’
it over her finger as I talked to her, which made me feel
some mean to attact her whilst in my service, but Duty’s
apron string fluttered down before me and I stiddied myself
on it as I spoke real good warnin’ words to her.

Sez I, “ My dear, I didn’t like the looks of the young
men I saw you walkin’ with to-night.” Sez I, “I saw them
two young men coming out of a saloon not a half hour be-
fore, and” sez I, “they look to me dissipated and mean.
They drink; I know by their looks they do.”

And she sez, “‘ Oh, dear madam, I only went out to take
the air a little while. You know I care for nobody in this
country. My heart is in old Normandie,” sez she, the tears
welling up to the blue well of her eyes. “ My heart is with
my Pierre, but,” sez she, kinder tossin’ her head, not a high
toss, only a little vain pretty motion of a pretty, thoughtless
girl, some like a bluebird in the spring of the year, “if a
young man insists on paying you a little attention what can
a poor little girl do? The days are long when one is young
and her own Pierre so far away, and, dear madam, Lucia
was with me.”
150 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“Another innocent, ignorant young creature,” sez I;
“two little butterflies fluttering about instead of one, not
thinkin’ or carin’ for the fouler’s net,” sez I, smilin’ on her
pleasant, for I couldn’t help it. For I knew the heart of
youth, and the monotony of life, and the need of young
hearts for each other. But I didn’t like the young men’s
looks and told her so agin, and she laughed, and said she
didn’t like their looks either. Sez she, ‘“ Their breath always
smells of the whiskey. Faugh!” sez she, “it makes me
sick,” and she shrugged her shoulders in the true French way.

And I sez agin, lookin’ solemn, “ No young man whose
breath smells of whiskey is safe for any young girl to asso-
ciate with. It is a pizen atmosphere that blasts every sweet
and pure thing that comes nigh it.” And I sithed.

And she said in her own sweet way that she knew I was
telling the truth, for I talked just as her own sweet mother
did. And she bent down with one of her pretty foreign
ways and kissed my hand. Dear little thing, I didn’t spoze
my talk had done her much good, but then I considered it
couldn’t do her any hurt ’tennyrate. And so I left the event
to the overruling Power, just as we poor weak mortals
have to.
CHAPTER XIII

Lies (ELL, a day or two after that Josiah and I wuz
takin’ a walk, meetin’ occasionally Turks all
dressed Turkey fashion, and Japans, and Yan-
kees and men and wimmen and children, when
who should we meet face to face but Cousin
John Richard, that blessed man. As I said, we had writ
and writ and tried to find him, but didn’t know but we should
have to hunt round considerable, but wuz bound to not leave
the islands till we’d seen him. But lo and behold! here he
wuz, lookin’ just as good and heavenly minded as ever. He
wuz santcrin’ along apparently lost in deep thought or nearly
lost.

But when he see us he grasped our hands with a welcome
that made us know that no matter to what a extent a man’s
soul may live in the heavens, his heart is tied with deathless
ties to the relations on his own side and to their pardners if
they be congenial.

We stopped stun still and talked quite a spell about differ-
ent things, our health, the relations and so forth.

Anon I sez, “ Cousin John Richard, you look wan and
pale, but it is a blessed work you are doin’.”

He had opened a midnight mission, helpin’ the weak and
tempted and overcome of both sects, preachin’ the love of
Christ and follerin’ his teachin’ up by good works.

He told us all about it as we santered on and said he wuz
not weary or discouraged. And I could see that though his
linement looked pale and worn a deathless light shone in
his deep kind eyes and I knew he wuz endurin’ as seein’ Him
who wuz invisible.

As we walked on he said, sadly pintin’ to a barren lookin’

 

 
152 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

spot sown thick with graves, “In this deadly climate the
Drink Demon has little to do to assist his brother, Death.
Our poor northern boys fall like rotten leaves before a hur-
ricane.”

Sez I, lookin’ up to the blue sky, “‘ Why don’t the heavens
fall when such things affront the light of day!”

“The patience of God,” sez Cousin John Richard, “is
one of the things we cannot measure.”

“Nor his pity nuther,” sez I in heart-broken axents, for
as I looked at them thickly sown graves and thought of
the mothers and wives and sweethearts fur, fur away mourn-
in’ for them that wuz not, my tears fell and I wiped ’em off
with my snowy linen handkerchief.

Well, Cousin John Richard had an appointment in an-
other part of the city and we parted away from each other,
he promisin’ to come and see us at our tarven before we left
the city.

Well, we didn’t make a long stay in Manila. But Arvilly
beset me to go with her to see General Grant, who was here
on a tour of inspection, on this subject so near to her heart,
and which she had made her lifework. She said that it wuz
my duty to go.

But I sez, “Arvilly, you talk so hash; I can’t bear to
have the son of the man who saved his country talked to as
IT am afraid you will if you git to goin’.”

Sez she, “I won’t open my head. You know the subject
from A to izzard. Tl jest stand by and listen, but some-
body ort to talk to him. Hundreds and hundreds of Ameri-
can saloons in this one city! Forced onto these islands by
our country. Sunthin’ has got to be done about it. If you
don’t go and talk to him about it I shall certainly go alone,
and if I do go,” sez she, “he will hear talk that he never
hearn before.”

“TI go, Arvilly,” sez I hurriedly, “Tl go and do the
best I can, but if you put in and talk so hash it will jest
throw me off the track.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 153

“A promise is a promise,” sez she; “I never did break
my word yet.”

Well, havin’ made the necessary preliminary moves, we
met General Grant by appointment in his own quarters.
Before we got inside the lines we had to advance and give
the countersign, which wuz Whiskey. Arvilly planted her-
self right there like a balky mule and said she would die in
her tracks before she said it. But I, knowin’ that it wouldn’t
make nor break the traffick, sez, “ Whiskey,” and I added,
“May the Lord destroy it!” Arvilly sez, ““ Amen!” and
we walked in past the astounded sentry with out heads up.
(General Grant hadn’t nothin’ to do with that countersign;
it wuz some officer’s doin’s.) Well, General Grant seemed
quite pleased to see us. He’s a real good-lookin’ man, and
if he hadn’t any properties of his own he would be beloved
for his pa’s sake, but he has properties of his own. He is
a good man and a smart one. Well, the first compliments
bein’ passed, I lanched out into my bizness.

Sez I, “ Brigadier General Grant, I have come to you on
the most important mission any ambassador ever travelled
on.”

Sez he, “ What sovereign, madam, do you represent,
and from what country do you come?” Sez I, “ Brigadier
General Grant, my mission is from the Lord of Hosts, and
the country I come to plead for is your own native land—
the United States—the land your own illustrious pa saved
with the Lord’s help.”

He wuz deeply affected I see and invited us to set down,
consequently we sot. And I sez, plungin’ to once into my
bizness as my way is in Jonesville or the Antipathies: “ Brig-
adier General, everybody knows that you are a brave man
and a good man.” He thanked me and looked pleased, as
well he might from such an enconium from one of the first
wimmen of the ages, and I resoomed: “ General Grant,” sez
I, “are you brave enough and good enough to tackle the
worst foe America ever had?”
154 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Sez he, “ What foe do you allude to, mam?”

Sez I, “‘ The foe that slays one hundred thousand a year,
and causes ten thousand murders every year, steals the
vittles and clothes from starvin’ wimmen and children, has
its deadly grip on Church and State, and makes our civiliza-
tion and Christianity a mock and byword amongst them
that think.”

“You allude to Intemperance, I presume,” sez he. He’s
dretful smart ; he knew it in a minute from my description.

“Yes,” sez I, “a foe a million times as dangerous as any
your army ever faced, and a million times as hard to chase
out of its ambuscade.”

Sez I, “ Frederic (I thought mebby it would sound more
convincin’ and friendly if I called him Frederic, and I wanted
to convince him; I wanted to like a dog), I don’t believe in
war, but when your men died in battle they didn’t moulder
out a livin’ death, chained to tender hearts, dragged along
the putrid death path with ’em. Their country honored
’em; they wuzn’t thrust into dishonored graves, some as
paupers, some as criminals swingin’ from scaffolds. Their
country mourns for ’em and honors ’em. It wuzn’t glad
to cover their faces away from the light, brutish faces to hant
’em with reproach, I should think, knowin’ how they died.
Try to think of that, Frederic; try to take it to heart.”

I hearn Arvilly behind me breathin’ hard and kinder
chokin’ seemin’ly, and I knew she wuz holdin’ herself in as
tight as if she had a rope round her emotions and indigna-
tions to keep her from breakin’ in and jinin’ our talk, but
she wuz as true as steel to her word and didn’t say nothin’
and I resoomed:

“ You’ve got to take such things to hum to realize ’em,”’
sez I. “ Owin’ to a sweet mother and a good father your
boy mebby is safe. But spozein’ he wuzn’t, spozein’ you and
his sweet ma had to look on as millions of other pas and
mas have to and see his handsome, manly young face growin’
red, dissipated, brutal; his light, gay young heart changed
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 155

to a demon’s, and from bein’ your chief pride you had to hide
him out of sight like the foul and loathsome leper he had be-
come. Millions of other pas and mas that love their boys
as well as you love yours have to do this. And if it wuz
your boy what would you say of the legalized crime that
made him so? Wouldn’t you turn the might of your great
strength aginst it?”

He didn’t speak out loud, but I see from his looks that
he would. “ Then,” sez I, “do, do think of other pas and
mas and sisters and sweethearts and wives weepin’ and
wailin’ for husbands, sons and brothers slain by this enemy!
I spoze,” sez I reasonably, “ that you think it is an old story
and monotonous, but Love is an old story and Grief and
Death, but they are jest as true as at the creation and jest
as solemn.” I thought he looked a good deal convinced, but
he looked as if he wuz thinkin’ of the extreme difficuity of
reachin’ and vanquishin’ this foe intrenched as it is in the
lowest passions of men, hidin’ behind the highest legal bar-
riers and barricaded behind meetin’ house doors, guarded
by the ballots of saint and sinner; I read these thoughts on
his forehead, and answered ’em jest as if he’d spoke.

Sez I, “ When your illustrious father come up face to
face with a foe no other general could manage, did he flinch
and draw back because it had been called onmanageable by
everybody else? No, he drawed a line between good and
evil, black and white, and says, ‘I'll fight it right out on this
line.’ And he did, and before his courage and bravery and
persistence the foe fell. Now, Frederic, here is the biggest
foe that the American people are facin’ to-day; here are weak
generals and incompetent ones. Nobody can manage it;
them high in authority wink at it and dassent tackle it, and
so on down through all the grades of society—Church and
State—they dassent touch it. And what is the burnin’est
shame, them that ort to fight it support it with all the
political and moral help they can give it. Here is a chance,
Frederic, for you to do tenfold more for your country’s good
156 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

than ever your revered father did, and you know and I
know that if it wasn’t for this great evil and a few others,
such as the big Trusts and a few other things, our country
is the greatest and best that the sun ever shone on. If
we loved our country as we ort to we would try to make
her do away with these evils and stand up perfect under the
heavens. It is the ma that loves her child that spanks her
into doin’ right if she can’t coax her, and now do lay hold and
help your country up onto the highest pedestal that a coun-
try ever stood on, and I’ll help boost all I can.” I hearn be-
hind me a loud “ amen,” turned into a cough. Arvilly wuzn’t
to blame; it spoke itself onbeknown to her.

Sez I, “ This is a hard job I am askin’ you to tackle. The
foe your father fit was in front of him, but this foe is within
and without, and has for allies, powers and principalities and
the Prince of Darkness. And now will you, bearin’ the name
you do, of General Grant, will you flinch before this black-
hearted foe that aims at the heart and souls of your country-
men and countrywomen, or will you lead the Forlorn Hope?
I believe that if you would raise the White Banner and lead
on this army of the Cross, Church and State would rally to
your battle-cry, angels would swarm round your standard
and the Lord of Hosts go forward before you.”

He didn’t say he would, I spoze he wuz too agitated.
But he sez sunthin’ in a real polite way about what a good
Ambassador his country had in me.

But I sez sadly, “I can’t do much, Frederic. I am a
woman, and the only weepon that is able to slay this demon
is hung up there in Washington, D. C. Wimmen can’t
reach up to it, they can’t vote. But you can; your arm is
longer, and with that you can slay this demon as St. George
slew the dragon. And heaven itself would drop down heav-
enly immortelles to mix with our laurel leaves to crown your
forehead. Think on it, Frederic, no war wuz ever so holy, no
war on earth wuz ever so full of immortal consequences.”

And here I riz up, for I felt that I must leave the Pres-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 15%

ence, not wantin’ to make the Presence twice glad. I reached
out my right hand and sez, “ Good-by, and God bless you, for
your own sake and for the sake of your noble pa.”

He looked earnest and thoughtful, that allusion to the
boy he loved so, named after his illustrious grandpa, had
touched his very soul. I felt that I had not lost my breath
or the eloquence I had lavished. I felt that he would help
save other bright young boys from the demon that sought
their lives—the bloody demon that stalks up and down our
country wrapped in a shelterin’ mantilly made of the Stars
and Stripes—oh, for shame! for shame that it is so! But I
felt that General Grant would come up to the help of the
Lord aginst the mighty, I felt it in my bones. But I wuz
brung down a good deal in my feelin’s as Arvilly advanced to
the front. She had kep’ her word as to talkin’, though the
indignant sniffs and sithes behind me showed how hard it
had been for her to keep her word, but now she advanced
and sez, as she drew out her two books from her work bag:
“General Grant, I have two books here I would like to show
you, one is the ‘ Twin Crimes of America: Intemperance and
Greed,’ that subject so ably presented to you by Samantha;
the other is ‘The Wild, Wicked and Warlike Deeds of Men.’”

Sez General Grant, risin’ up: “ I haven’t time, madam, to
examine them, but put me down as a subscriber to both.”
Arvilly wuz in high sperits all the way back. As we wended
our way to the tarven agin who should we find but Wait-
still Webb, and we wuz dretful glad on’t, for we wuz layin’
out to leave Manila in a few days, and this would be our last
meetin’ for some time, if not forever. Though I wuz glad to
see when questioned by me about her return that she didn’t
act so determined as she had acted about devotin’ her hull
life to nursin’ the sick.

She told Arvilly confidential that she had had a letter
from Ernest White since we had seen her. Arvilly knew that
he had wanted to make her his bride before she left Jones-
ville. But the two ghosts, her murdered love and her duty,
158 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

stalked between ’em then, and I spozed wuz stalkin’ some
now. But as I said more previous, the sun will melt the
snow, and no knowin’ what will take place. I even fancied
that the cold snow wuz a little more soft and slushy than it
had been, but couldn’t tell for certain.
CHAPTER XIV

DRETFUL thing has happened! I am almost
too agitated to talk about it, but when I went
down with my pardner and Tommy to break-
fast ruther late, for we wrote some letters be-

| fore we went down, Miss Meechim broke the

news to me with red eyes, swollen with weepin’. Aronette,
that dear sweet little maid that had waited on all on us as
devoted as if we wuz her own mas and mas, wuz missin’. Her
bed hadn’t been slep’ in for all night; she went out early in
the evenin’ on a errent for Dorothy and hadn’t come back.
She slept in a little room off from Dorothy’s, who had
discovered Aronette’s absence very early in the morning, and
they had all been searching for her ever sence. But no trace
of her could be found; she had disappeared as utterly as
if the earth had opened and swallowed her up. Dorothy
wuz sick in bed from worry and grief; she loved Aronette
like a sister; and Miss Meechim said, bein’ broke up by sor-
row, “ Next to my nephew and Dorothy I loved that child.”
And anon another dretful thing wuz discovered. Whilst
we wuz talkin’ about Aronette, Elder Wessel rushed in dis-
tracted, with his neck-tie hangin’ under one ear, and his
coat buttoned up wrong and the feathers of his conceit and
egotism and self-righteousness hangin’ limp as a wet hen.
Lucia had gone too; had disappeared jest as Aronette
had, no trace could be found of her; her bed had not been
slept in. She, too, had gone out on an errent the evening
before. She and Aronette had been seen to leave the hotel
together in the early evening. Elder Wessel, half distracted,
searched for them with all his strength of mind and purse.
I started Josiah off a huntin’ the minute he had got

 
160 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

through eatin’. He refused pint blank to go before. “ Eat,”
sez I, ‘‘ who can eat in such a time as this?”

Sez he, “It goes agin my stomach every mou’ful I take
(which was true anyway), but we must eat, Samantha,” sez
he, helpin’ himself to another cake. ‘“‘ We must eat so’s to
keep up our strength to hunt high and low.”

Well, I spozed he wuz in the right on’t, but every mou’ful
he consumed riled me. But at last the plate wuz emptied and
the coffee pot out and he sot off. And we searched all that
day and the next and the next, and so did Miss Meechim and
Arvilly, with tears runnin’ down her face anon or oftener.

Robert Strong, led on, Miss Meechim said by her anxiety,
but I thought mebby by the agony in Dorothy’s sweet eyes
as well as his own good heart, didn’t leave a stone unturned
in his efforts to find ’em. But they had disappeared utterly,
no trace could be found of ’em. They had been seen dur-
ing the evening with the two young men they had got
acquainted with and that I didn’t like. They had been seen
speaking with them as they came out of the shop where
Dorothy had sent Aronette, and the young men could not
be found.

Well, we had all searched for three days without finding
any trace of the two missing girls. Everything wuz ready
for our departure, but Dorothy said that she could not, could
not go without Aronette, but Robert Strong said and be-
lieved that the child was dead. He had come to the belief
that she and Lucia by some accident had fallen into the
water and wuz drowned. Dorothy had cried herself sick
and she looked wan and white, but bein’ so sweet disposi-
tioned she give up when we all said that we must go before
long, and said that she would go too, though I knew that
her heart would remain there wanderin’ round in them queer
streets huntin’ for her lost one. The morning of the third
day after they wuz lost I wuz down in the parlor, when a
man come in and spoke to Robert Strong, and they both
went out together talking earnestly, and I see in Robert’s
*J¥2 ISNU IAA 55

ce

‘OQI a5eg—‘ayed Jayioue 03 Jyaswy ,uldjay ‘yeIsof zas

 

 

 

 

 

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 161

face a look of horrow and surprise that I had never seen
in it before; and the first time Robert saw me alone after
that he told me the dretful news. He said that the man
that spoke to him was a detective he had employed, and
the evening before he had come acrost a man who had been
out of town since the night Aronette wuz lost. This man
told the detective that he saw her and Lucia and the two
young men coming out of a saloon late at night, staggering
and reeling they all wuz, and they disappeared down a cross
street towards another licensed house of ruin. Licensed by
Christian America! Oh, my achin’ ‘heart to think on’t! “I
wonder if our govermunt is satisfied now,’ I broke out,
“since it has ruined her, one of the sweetest girls in’ the
world. But how did they ever entice ’em into that saloon?”
sez I.

“They might have made them think it was respectable,
they do serve lunches at some of them; of course they didn’t
know what kind of a place it was. And after they wuz made
stupid drunk they didn’t know or care where they went.”

“T wonder if America is satisfied now!” I sez agin,
“reachin’ out her long arms clear acrost the Pacific to lead
them sweet girls into the pit she has dug for her soldiers?
Oh!” sez I, “if she’d only been drownded!” And I wiped
my streamin’ eyes on my linen handkerchief.

And Robert sithed deep and sez, “ Yes, if she had only
died, and,” he sez, “ I can’t tell Dorothy, I cannot.”

And I sez, “ There is no need on’t; better let her think
she’s dead. How long,” sez I, turning toward him fierce in
my aspect, “how long is the Lord and decent folks goin’ to
allow such things to go on?”

And he sez, “ Heaven knows, I don’t.” And we couldn’t
say more, for Dorothy wuz approachin’, and Robert called up
a smile to his troubled face as he went forward to meet her.
But he told me afterwards that the news had almost killed
Elder Wessel. He had to tell him to help him in his search.
He wuz goin’ to stay on there a spell longer. He had to

110 =
162 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

tell him that Lucia had been seen with Aronette staggering
out of a saloon with two young men late at night, reeling
down a by-street to that other licensed house which our
Christian govermunt keeps nigh the saloon, it is so obleegin’
and fatherly to its men and boys.

When he told him Elder Wessel fell right down in his
chair, Robert said, and buried his face in his hands, and
when he took his hands down it wuz from the face of an
old man, a haggard, wretched, broken-down old man.

The People’s Club House didn’t wear the kindly benefi-
cent aspect it had wore. He felt that coffee and good books
and music would have been safer to fill the Poor Man’s
Club with; safer for the poor man; safer for the poor man’s
family. Tea and coffee seemed to look different to him
from whiskey, and true liberty that he had talked about
didn’t seem the liberty to kill and destroy. The license law
didn’t wear the aspect it had wore to him, the two licensed
institutions Christian America furnished for its citizens at
home and abroad seemed now to him, instead of something
to be winked at and excused, to be two accursed hells yawn-
ing for the young and innocent and unsuspicious as well as
for the wicked and evil-minded. Ungrateful country, here
wuz one of thy sons who sung the praises of thy institu-
tions under every sky! Ungrateful indeed, to pierce thy
most devoted vassal with this sharp thorn, this unbearable
agony.

“ For how was he goin’ to live through it,” he cried. How
was he? His beautiful, innocent daughter! his one pet lamb!
It was not for her undoing that he had petted and smiled
on these institutions, the fierce wolves of prey, and fed
them with honeyed words of excuse and praise. No, it wuz
for the undoing of some other man’s daughter that he had
imagined these institutions had been raised and cherished.

He wuz an old broken man when he tottered out of that
room. And whilst we wuz moving heaven and earth hunt-
ing for the girls he wuz raving with delerium with a doctor
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 163

and trained nurse over him. Poor man! doomed to spend
his hull life a wretched wanderer, searching for the idol
of his heart he wuz never to see agin—never!

Well, the time come when we wuz obleeged to leave
Manila. Robert Strong, for Dorothy’s sake as well as his
own, left detectives to help on the search for the lost ones,
and left word how to communicate with him at any time.
Waitstill Webb, bein’ consulted with, promised to do all in
her power to help find them, but she didn’t act half so
shocked and horrified as I spozed she would, not half so
much as Arvilly did. She forgot her canvassin’ and wep’
and cried for three or four days most all the time, and went
round huntin’, actin’ more’n half crazy, her feelin’s wuz
such. But I spoze the reason Waitstill acted so calm wuz
that such things wuz so common in her experience. She
had knowledge of the deadly saloon and its twin licensed
horror, dretful things was occurring all the time, she said.

The detectives also seemed to regard it as nothing out
of the common, and as to the saloon-keeper, so much worse
things wuz happenin’ all the time in his profession, so much
worse crimes, that he and his rich pardner, the American
Govermunt, sees goin’ on all the time in their countless
places of bizness, murders, suicides, etc., that they evidently
seemed to consider this a very commonplace affair; and so
of'the other house kep’ by the two pardners, the brazen-
faced old hag and Christian America, there, too, so many
more terrible things wuz occurrin’ all the time that this wuz
a very tame thing to talk about.

But to us who loved her, to us whose hearts wuz wrung
thinkin’ of her, mournin’ for her, cryin’ on our pillers, seekin’
with agonized, hopeless eyes for our dear one, we kep’ on
searchin’ day and night, hopin’ aginst hope till the last minute
of our stay there. And the moon and stars of the tropics
looked in night after night to the room where the old father
lay at death’s door, mourning for his beautiful innocent
daughter who wuz lost—lost.
164 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

But the hour come for us to go and we went, and right
by us, day or night, in sun or shade, from that hour on a
black shadder walked by the side on us in place of the dim-
pled, merry face of the little maid. We didn’t forgit her in
the highest places or the lowest. And after days and days
had passed I felt guilty, and as if I hadn’t ort to be happy,
and no knowin’ where she’d drifted to in the cruel under
world, and wuz like sea-weed driftin’ in the ocean current.
And when we wuz out evenin’s, no matter where I wuz, I
watched the faces of every painted, gaudy dressed creeter I
see, flittin’ down cross streets, hoping and dreading to see
Aronette’s little form. Arvilly and Miss Meechim openly
and loudly, and Dorothy’s pale face and sorrowful eyes,
told the story that they too wuz on the watch and would
always be. But never did we catch a glimpse of her! never,
never.

As we drew nigh to the city of Victoria on Hongkong
island we see that it wuz a beautiful place. Big handsome
houses built of gray stun, broad roads tree-bordered, leadin’
up from terrace to terrace, all full of trees, covered with luxu-
riant tropical foliage. It wuz a fair seen clear from the wa-
ter’s edge, with its tall handsome houses risin’ right up from
the edge of the bay, clear up to the top of Victoria mountain,
that stands up two thousand feet, seemin’ly lookin’ over the
city to see what it is about. And this is truth and not clear
simely, for the Governor General and Chief Justice have
houses up there which they call bungalows, and of course they
have got to see what is goin’ on. The hull island is only
nine milds long and three wide. And here we wuz ten thou-
sand milds from home. Did the Hongkongers ever think
on’t, that they wuz ten thousand milds from Jonesville? I
hope they didn’t, it would make ’em too melancholy and de-
prested.

We all went to a comfortable tarven nigh by, and after
partakin’ of nourishin’ food, though kinder queer, and a good
night’s rest, we felt ready to look round and see what we
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 165

could. Josiah and I, with little Tommy, wuz the first ones
up in the mornin’, and after breakfast we sallied out into the
street. Here I proposed that we should take a jinrikisha
ride. This is a chair some like a big: willow chair, only with
a long pole fastened to each side and two men to carry you
round. Josiah wuz real took with the looks on ’em, and
as the prize wuz low we got into the chairs, Tommy settin’
in Josiah’s lap, and wuz carried for quite a ways through
the narrer streets, with shops juttin’ out on each side, makin’
*em still narrerer.

Josiah gin orders that I overheard to “go at a pretty
good jog past the stores where wimmen buy sooveneers,” but
I presoomed that they didn’t understand a word he said, so
it didn’t do any hurt and I laid out to git some all the same.
But what a sight them streets wuz; they wuz about twenty
feet wide, and smooth and clean, but considerable steep. To
us who wuz used to the peaceful deacons of Jonesville and
their alpaca-clad wives and the neighbors, who usually borry
sleeve and skirt and coat and vest patterns, and so look all
pretty much alike, what a sight to see the folks we did in go-
in’ through just one street. Every sort of dress that ever
wuz wore we see there, it seemed to me—Europeans, Turks,
Mohomadeans, Malays, Japanese, Javanese, Hindoos, Portu-
guese, half castes, and Chinese coolies. Josiah still called ’em
“coolers,” because they wuz dressed kinder cool, but carryin’
baskets, buckets, sedans, or trottin’a sort of a slow trot hitched
into a jinrikisha, or holdin’ it on each side with their hands,
with most nothin’ on and two pigtail braids hangin’ down
their backs, and such a jabberin’ in language strange to Jones-
ville ears; peddlers yellin’ out their goods, bells ginglin’,
gongs, fire-crackers, and all sorts of work goin’ on right there
in the streets. Strange indeed to Jonesville eyes! Catch our
folks takin’ their work outdoors; we shouldn’t call it decent.

We went to the Public Gardens, which wuz beautiful with
richly colored ornamental shrubbery. I sez to Josiah:

“ Did I ever expect to see allspice trees?”
166 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

And he sez: “I can’t bear allspice anyway.”

“ Well,” sez I, “cinnamon trees; who ever thought of
seein’ cinnamon trees?”

An’ he looked at ’em pretty shrewd and sez: “ When I
git home I shan’t pay no forty cents a pound for cinnamon.
I can tell ’em I’ve seen the trees and I know it ort to be
cheaper.”’ Sez he, “I could scrape off a pound or two with
my jack-knife if we could carry it.”

But I hurried him on; I wuzn’t goin’ to lug a little wad of
cinnamon ten thousand milds, even if he got it honest. Well,
we stayed here for quite a spell, seein’ all the beautiful flowers,
magnificent orchids—that would bring piles of money to
home, jest as common here as buttercups and daisies in Jones-
ville, and other beautiful exotics, that we treasure so as house-
plants, growin’ out-doors here in grand luxuriance—palms,
tree-ferns, banian trees, everything I used to wonder over in
my old gography I see right here growin’ free. Tommy wuz
delighted with the strange, beautiful flowers, so unlike any-
thing he had ever seen before. We had got out and walked
round a spell here, and when we went to git into our sedan
chairs agin, I wuz a little behind time, and Josiah hollered out
to me:

“Fey tea, Samantha!”

“Tear” sez I. “I hain’t got any tea here.” And I sez
with dignity, “ I don’t know what you mean.”

“ Fey tea,” he sez agin, lookin’ clost at me.

And I sez agin with dignity, “I don’t know what you
mean.” And he sez to me: “I am talkin’ Chinese, Saman-
tha; that means ‘hurry up.’ I shall use that in Jonesville.
When you're standin’ in the meetin’ house door talkin’ about
bask patterns and hired girls with the female sisters, and I
waitin’ in the democrat, I shall holler out, ‘ Fie tea, Saman-
tha;’ it will be very stylish and uneek.”

I didn’t argy with him, but got in well as I could, but
havin’ stepped on my dress and most tore it, Josiah hollered.
out, “ See sum! see sum! Samantha!”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 16%

And I, forgittin’ his fashionable aims, sez to him, “ See
some what, Josiah? ”

“See sum, Samantha. That means ‘be careful.’ I shall
use that too in Jonesville. How genteel that will make me
appear to holler out to Brother Gowdey or Uncle Sime Bent-
ley, in a muddy or slippery time, ‘ See sum, Brother Gowdey;
see sum, Uncle Sime!’ Such doin’s will make me sought
after, Samantha.”

“Well,” sez I, “ we'd better be gittin’ back to the tarven,
for Arvilly will be wonderin’ where we are and the rest on
’em.”

“Well, just as you say, Samantha,” and he leaned back
in his chair and waved his hand and says to the men, “‘ Fey
tea, fey tea; chop, chop.”

I expect to see trouble with that man in Jonesville streets
with his foreign ways.

Well, we wuz passin’ through one of the narrer streets,
through a perfect bedlam of strange cries in every strange
language under the sun, so. it seemed, and seein’ every
strange costoom that wuz ever wore, when, happy sight to
Jonesville eyes, there dawned on my weary vision a brown
linen skirt and bask, made from my own pattern.

Yes, there stood Arvilly conversin’ with a stately Sikh
policeman. She held up the “ Twin Crimes” in a allurin’
way and wuz evidently rehearsin’ its noble qualities. But
as he didn’t seem to understand a word she said she didn’t
make a sale. But she wuz lookin’ round undanted for an-
other subscriber when she ketched sight of us. And at my
request we dismissed the jinrikishas and walked back to the
tarven with her.

Dorothy and Miss Meechim and Robert Strong come
back pretty soon from a tower of sight-seein’, and they said
we'd all been invited to tiffen with the Governor-General
the next day. Well, I didn’t have the least idee what it wuz,
but I made up my mind to once that if tiffenin’ wuz any-
thing relatin’ to gamblin’ or the opium trade, I shouldn't
168 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

have a thing to do with it. But Josiah spoke right up and
sez he had rather see tiffen than anybody else in China, and
mistrustin’ from Robert’s looks that he had made a mistake,
he hastened to add that tiffenin’ wuz sunthin’ he had always
hankered after; he had always wanted to tiffen, but hadn’t
the means in Jonesville.

Sez Robert, “ Then I shall accept this invitation for break-
fast for all our party.” And after they went out I sez: “I'd
hold myself a little back, Josiah. To say that you’d never
had means to take breakfast in Jonesville shows ignorance
and casts a slur on me.”

“ Oh, I meant I never had any tiffen with it, Samantha;
you'll see it don’t mean plain breakfast; you'll see that they’ll
pass some tiffen, and we shall have to eat it no matter what
it’s made on, rats or mice or anything. Whoever heard of
common breakfast at twelve M.?”

Well, it did mean just breakfast, and we had a real good
time. We went up in sedan chairs, though we might have
gone on the cars. But we wanted to go slower to enjoy the
scenery.

I had thought the view from the hill back of Grout
Nickleson’s wuz beautiful, and also the Pali at Honolulu, but
it did seem to me that the seen we looked down on from
the top of Victoria mountain wuz the most beautiful I ever
did see. The city lay at our feet embowered in tropical
foliage, with its handsome uneek buildin’s, its narrer windin’
streets stretchin’ fur up the mountain side, runnin’ into nar-
rerer mountain paths covered with white sand. The beautiful
houses and gardens of the English colony clost down to the
shore. The tall masts of the vessels in the harbor looking
like a water forest with flowers of gayly colored flags. And
further off the Canton or Pearl River, with scores of villages
dotting its banks; glittering white temples, with their pinna-
cles gistening in the sunlight; pagodas, gayly painted with
gilded bells, rising up from the beautiful tropical foliage;
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 169

broad green fields; mountains soarin’ up towards the blue
heavens and the blue waters of the sea.

A fair seen, a fair seen! I wished that sister Henzy could
see it, and told Josiah so.

And he sez with a satisfied look, “‘ Wait till I describe it
to ’em, Samantha. They’d ruther have me describe it to ’em
than see it themselves.” I doubted it some, but didn’t con-
tend.

The breakfast wuz a good one, though I should have
called it dinner to home. Josiah wuz on the lookout, I could
see, for tiffen to be passed, but it wuzn’t, so he ort to give up,
but wouldn’t; but argyed with me out to one side that “ they
wuz out of tiffen, and hadn’t time to buy any and couldn’t
borry.”

Well, the Governor-General seemed to be greatly taken
with Dorothy. A relation on his own side wuz the hostess,
and Miss Meechim acted real relieved when it turned out
that he had a wife who wuz visiting in England.

I sot at the right hand of the Governor-General and I
wanted to talk to him on the opium question and try to git
him to give up the trade, but concluded that I wouldn’t
tackle him at his own table. But I kep’ up a stiddy thinkin’.

That very mornin’ I read in the daily paper that two
missionaries had arrived there the day before, and on the
same steamer three hundred chests of opium.

Poor creeters! didn’t it seem mockin’ the name of re-
ligion to help convert the natives and on the same steamer
send three hundred chests of the drug to ondo their work
and make idiots and fiends of ’em.

It seemed to me some as if I should read in the Jones-
ville “ Augur” or “ Gimlet”’ that our govermunt had sent
out three or four fat lambs to help the starvin’ poor and
sent ’em in the care of thirty or forty tigers and wild cats.

No doubt the lambs would git there, but they would be
inside the wild cats and tigers.

Such wicked and foolish and inconsistent laws if made by
170 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

women would make talk amongst the male sect, and I
wouldn’t blame ’em a mite; I should jine with ’em and say,
“ Sure enough it is a proof that wimmen don’t know enough
to vote and hain’t good enough; let ’em drop the political
pole, retire into the background and study statesmanship
and the Bible, specially the golden rule.” But to resoom.

Arvilly tried to turn the conversation on the “ Twin
Crimes” of America, but didn’t come right out and canvass
him, for which I wuz thankful. They all paid lots of atten-
tion to Tommy, who had a great time, and I spoze Carabi
did too.

We had fruits and vegetables at the table, all gathered
from the Governor-General’s garden—fresh fruit and vegeta-
bles in February, good land! Pickin’ berries and pineapples
while the Jonesvillians’ fruit wuz snowballs and icesuckles;
jest think on’t!

Well, Robert Strong thought we had better proceed on
to Canton the next day and we wuz all agreeable to it.

After we all went back to the tarven and I had laid down
a spell and rested, I went out with Arvilly and Tommy for
a little walk, Miss Meechim, and Dorothy, and Robert Strong
havin’ gone over to Maceo, the old Portuguese town on the
mainland. They wanted to see the place where Camoens
wrote his great poem, ‘“ The Lusiad,” and where he writ
them heart-breakin’ poems to Catarina. Poor creeters! they
had to be separated. King John sent him off from Lisbon,
wantin’ the girl himself, so I spoze. Catarina died soon of
a broken heart, but Camoens lived on for thirty years in
the body, and is livin’ now and will live on in the Real Life
fer quite a spell.

Yes, his memory is jest as fresh now as it ever wuz in
them streets he wandered in durin’ his sad exile, while the
solid stun his feet trod on has mouldered and gone to pieces,
which shows how much more real the onseen is than the
seen, and how much more indestructible. Iron pillars and
granite columns aginst which his weary head had leaned oft-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 171

times had all mouldered and decayed. But the onseen
visions that Camoens see with his rapt poet’s eye wuz jest
as fresh and deathless as when he first writ ’em down. And
his memory hanted the old streets, and went before ’em and
over ’em. How much more real than the tropical birds
that wheeled and glittered in the luxuriant tropical foliage,
though they couldn’t lay hands on ’em and ketch ’em and
bring a few to me, much as I would liked to have had ’em.
But these bein’ the real, as I say, they wuz also with me
way over in Hongkong. I thought a sight on him all the
time they wuz gone, and afterwards I thought of the honor
and dignity his noble verse had gin to his country, and how
princely the income they had gin him after they let him re-
turn from his exile. Twenty-one dollars a year! What a
premium that wuz upon poesy; the Muse must have felt
giddy to think she wuz prized so high, and his native land
repented of the generosity afterwards and stopped the
twenty-one dollars a year.

But then after his starved and strugglin’ life wuz ended
his country acted in the usual way, erected monuments in
his honor, and struck off medals bearin’ his liniment. The
worth of one medal or one little ornament on the peak of
one of his statutes might have comforted the broken heart
and kep’ alive the starved body and gin him some comfort.
But that hain’t the way of the world; the world has always
considered it genteel and fashionable to starve its poets,
and stun its prophets, with different kinds of stuns, but all
on ’em hard ones; not that it has done so in every case, but
it has always been the fashionable way.

Dorothy and Robert talked quite a good deal about the
sad poet and his works, their young hearts feelin’ for his
woe; mebby sunthin’ in their own hearts translatin’ the
mournful history ; you know plates have to be fixed jest right
or the colors won’t strike in. It is jest so in life. Hearts
must be ready to photograph the seens on, or they won’t
be took. Some hearts and souls are blank plates and will
172 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

always remain so. Arvilly seemed lost in thought as they
talked about the poet (she hain’t so well versed in poetry as
she is in the license laws and the disabilities of wimmen), and
when she hearn Robert Strong say, ‘‘ Camoens will live for-
ever,” she sez dreamily:

“T wonder if he’d want to subscribe for the ‘Twin
Crimes’?” And sez she, “I am sorry I didn’t go over with
you and canvass him.” Poor thing! she little knew he had
got beyend canvassin’ and all other cares and troubles of
life two hundred years ago. But Miss Meechim wuz dret-
ful worked up about the gambling going on at Maceo, and
she sez it is as bad as at Monte Carlo. (I didn’t know who he
wuz, but spozed that he wuz a real out and out gambler and
blackleg). And sez she, “ Oh, how bad it makes me feel to
see such wickedness carried on. How it makes my heart
yearn for my own dear America!’’ Miss Meechim is good
in some things; she is as loyal to her own country as a dog
to a root, but Arvilly sez:

““T guess we Americans hadn’t better find too much fault
with foreign natives about gambling, when we think of our
stock exchanges, huge gamblin’ houses where millions are
gambled for daily; thousands of bushels of wheat put up
there that never wuz growed only in the minds of the gam-
blers. Why,” sez Arvilly, warmin’ up with her subject, ‘‘ we
are a nation of gamblers from Wall Street, where gamblin’
is done in the name of greed, down to meetin’ houses, where
bed-quilts and tidies are gambled for in the name of religion.
From millionaires who play the game for fortunes down to
poor backwoodsmen who raffle for turkeys and hens, and
children who toss pennies for marbles.”

Sez Miss Meechim, “I guess I will take a little quinine
and lay down a spell.” Arvilly tosted her head quite a little
after she retired and then she went out to canvass a clerk
in the office. Arvilly is dantless in carriage, but she is too
hash. I feel bad about it.
CHAPTER XV

Tommy with us. We thought we would buy
some sooveneers of the place. Sez Arvilly,
“IT want to prove to the Jonesvillians that I’ve
been to China, and I want to buy some little
presents for Waitstill Webb, that I can send her in a letter.”

And I thought I would buy some little things for the
children, mebby a ivory croshay hook for Tirzah Ann and a
paper cutter for Thomas J., and sunthin’ else for Maggie
and Whitfield. It beats all what exquisite ivory things we
did see, and in silver, gold, shell, horn and bamboo, every
article you can think on and lots you never did think on,
all wrought in the finest carvin’ and filigree work. Embroid-
eries in silk and satin and cloth of gold and silver, every beau-
tiful thing that wuz ever made you'd see in these shops.

I wuz jest hesitatin’ between a ivory bodkin with a but-
terfly head and a ivory hook with a posy on the handle, when
I hearn the voice of my pardner, seemin’ly makin’ a trade
with somebody, and I turned a little corner and there I see
him stand tryin’ to beat down a man from Tibet, or so a
bystander told me he wuz, a queer lookin’ creeter, but he
understood a few English words, and Josiah wuz buyin’ sun-
thin’ as I could see, but looked dretful meachin and tried to
conceal his purchase as he ketched my eye. I see he wuz
doin’ sunthin’ he ort not to do, meachinness and guilt wuz
writ down on his liniment. But my axent and mean wuz
such that he produced the object and tried hard to explain
and apologize.

It wuz a little prayer-wheel designed for written prayers
to be put in and turned with a crank, or it could be hitched

 
174 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

to water power or a wind-mill or anything, and the owner
could truly pray without ceasing. Oh how I felt as he ex-
plained! I felt that indeed the last straw wuz bein’ packed
onto my back, but Josiah kep’ on with his apoligizin’.

“You needn’t look like that, Samantha; I can tell you
I hain’t gin up religion or thought on’t. I want you to know
that I am still a strong, active member of the M. E. meetin’
house, but at the same time,” sez he, ‘‘ if I—if there—spoze-
in’ there wuz, as it were, some modifications and conveni-
ences that would help a Christian perfessor along, I don’t
know as I would be to blame to avail myself of ’em.”

Sez I, “If you're guiltless what makes you look so
meachin?”

“Well, I most knew you wouldn’t approve on it, but,”
sez he, “I can tell you in a few short words what it will do.
You can write your prayers all out when you have time and
put ’em into this wheel and turn it, or you can have it go by
water, you can hitch it to the windmill and have it a-prayin’
while you water the cattle in the mornin’, and I thought,
Samantha, that in hayin’ time or harvestin’ when I am as
busy as the old Harry I could use it that way, or I could be
a turnin’ it on my way to the barn to do the chores, or I
could hitch it onto the grin’stone and Ury and I could pray
for the whole family whilst we wuz whettin’ the scythes.”

“ Not for me,” sez I, groanin’ aloud, “not for me.”

“You needn’t look like that, Samantha; I tell you agin
I wuzn’t goin’ to use it only when I wuz driv to death with
work. And I tell you it would be handy for you when you
expected a houseful of company, and Philury wuz away.”

“No, indeed!” sez I; “no such wicked, wicked work
will be connected with my prayers.”

“Well,” sez Arvilly, “I d’no as it would be much wick-
eder than some prayers I’ve hearn when folks wuz in a
hurry; they would run their thanksgivin’s into their peti-
tions and them into their amens, and gallop through ’em
so there wuzn’t a mite of sense in ’em. Or take so much
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 1%5

pains to inform the Lord about things. I hearn one man
say,” sez Arvilly:

““O Lord, thou knowest by the morning papers, so and
so.’ I d’no as a prayer turned off by a wheel would look
much worse or be much less acceptable.”

Josiah looked encouraged, and sez he to me, soty vosey,
“Arvilly always did have good horse sense.”

Sez I, “ They wuzn’t run by machinery—wicked, wicked
way. A boughten machine!” sez I, shettin’ up my eyes and
groanin’ agin.

“No,” sez Josiah eagerly, “I wuz agoin’ to tell you;
I’ve got a wheel to home and a cylinder that come offen
that old furnace regulator that didn’t work, and I thought
that with a little of Ury’s help I could fix one up jest as
good as this, and I could sell this for twice what I gin for
it to Deacon Henzy or old Shelmadine, or rent it through
hayin’ and harvestin’ to the brethren, or——”

Sez I, “ You would disseminate these wicked practices,
would you, in dear Christian Jonesville? No, indeed.”

“T tell you agin I wuzn’t a-goin’ to use it only in the
most hurryin’ times—I Ee

But I sez, “I will hear no more; give it back to the man
and come with your pardner!”’

And I linked my arm in hisen and motioned to the man
to move off with his wheels. And my looks wuz that dig-
nified and lofty that I spoze it skairt him and he started off
almost immegiately and to once.

And I hain’t hern no more about it, but don’t know how
much more trouble I may have with it. No knowin’ what
that man may take it into his head to do in Jonesville or
China. But prayer-wheels! little did I think when I stood
at the altar with Josiah Allen that I should have to dicker
with them.

It only took six hours to sail from Hongkong up to Can-
ton. The scenery along the Pearl River is not very inter-
esting except the rice fields, banana groves with pagodas

 
176 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

risin’ amongst ’em anon or oftener, and the strange tropical
foliage, cactuses that we raise in little jars riz up here like
trees.

The native villages along the ruther flat shore looked
kinder dilapidated and run down, but yet they looked so
different from Jonesville houses that they wuz interestin’
in a way. The forts that we passed occasionally looked as
if they would stand quite a strain. But the queerest sight
wuz the floatin’ houses that we had to sail through to land.
Two hundred thousand folks live on them boats, are born on
’em, grow up, marry, raise a family and die, all right there
on the water, just as other folks live on the land.

If a young man courts a girl he takes her and her setting
out, which is mebby a extra night gown, or I don’t know
what they do call ’em—their dresses look like night gowns.
Well, she will take that and a rice kettle and go into his
junk and mebby never leave it through her life only to visit
her friends. The children swarmed on them boats like ants
on a ant-hill, and they say that if they git too thick they
kinder let ’em fall overboard, not push ’em off, but kinder
let ’em go accidental like, specially girls, they kinder en-
courage girls fallin’ off. And the Chinese think that it is
wrong to save life. If any one is drownin’, for instance, they
think that it is the will of the higher Power and let ’em go.
But they look down on girls dretfully. If you ask a China-
man how many children he has got he will say “ Two chil-
dren and two piecee girl.” Jest as if boys was only worthy
to be called children, and girls a piece of a child. Miss Mee-
chim wuz indignant when that way of theirs wuz mentioned;
she considers herself as good if not better than one man and
a half. Sez she: “ The idee of calling a boy a child, and a
girl a piece of a child, or words that mean that.”

But Arvilly sez, “ Well, how much better is it in the
United States—or most of ’em? Girls don’t even have the
comfort of thinkin’ that they’re a piece of a person; they’re
just nothin’ at all in the eyes of the law—unless the law
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 177

wants to tax ’em to raise money.’ Sez she, “I would be
thankful ‘lection day if I wuz a piece of a woman, so that
five or six of us would make a hull citizen.”” Miss Meechim
had never thought on’t before, she said she hadn’t, but no-
body could git her to say a word aginst American customs
no more than they could aginst herself. She thinks that she
and America are perfect, but puts herself first. Well, Amer-
ica is the best land under the sun; I’ve always said so. But
I feel towards it as I do towards Josiah: what faults it has I
want to talk it out of, so that it will stand up perfect among
nations as Josiah could amongst men if he would hear to
me. Arvilly likes to stir Miss Meechim up; I believe she sez
things a purpose sometimes to set Miss Meechim off; but
then Arvilly talks from principle, too, and she is real cute.

There wuz all sorts of boats, theatre junks and concert
junks and plain junks, and Josiah wuz dretful took with this
floatin’ city, and sez to once that he should build a house
boat as soon as he got home—he and Ury. He said that
he could use the old hay-rack to start it—that and the old
corn-house would most make it.

“Where will you put it?” sez I.

“Oh, on the creek or the canal,” sez he. “It will be so
uneek for us to dwell when we want to, on the briny deep.”

“T guess there hain’t much brine in the creek or the
canal,” Josiah.

“ Well, I said that for poetical purposes. But you know
that it would be very stylish to live in a boat, and any time
we wanted to, when onexpected company wuz comin’, or the
tax collector or book agent, jest hist the sail and move off,
it would be dretful handy as well as stylish.”

“Well, well,” sez I, “you can’t build it till you git
home.” I felt that he would forgit it before then. Arvilly
looked thoughtfully at ’em and wondered how she wuz goin’
to canvass ’em, and if they would do as Josiah intimated if

they see her comin’. Miss Meechim wondered if they could
12
178 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

git to meetin’ in time, they seemed to move so slow, and
Robert Strong said to Dorothy:

“Well, a poor man can feel that he owns the site his
home stands on, as well as the rich man can, and that would
be a hopeless attempt for him in our large American cities,
and he can’t be turned out of his home by some one who
claims the land.”

And Tommy wondered how the little boys could play
ball, and if they didn’t want to slide down hill, or climb
trees, or pick berries, and so on and so on. And every one
on us see what wuz for us to see in the movin’ panoramy.

Canton is a real queer city. The streets are so narrer
that you can almost reach out your hands and touch the
houses on both sides, they are not more than seven or eight
feet wide. There are no horses in Canton, and you have to
git about on “ shanks’s horses,” as Josiah calls it, your own
limbs you know, or else sedan chairs, and the streets are so
narrer, some on ’em, that once when we met some big
Chinese man, a Mandarin I believe they called him, we had
to hurry into one of the shops till he got by, and sometimes
in turnin’ a corner the poles of our chairs had to be run way
inside of the shops, and Josiah said:

“T would like to see how long the Jonesvillians would
stand such doin’s; I would like to see old Gowdey’s fills
scrapin’ my cook stove, it is shiftless doin’s, and ort to be
stopped.”

But I knew he couldn’t make no change and I hushed
him up as well as I could. Robert Strong got quite a com-
fortable tarven for us to stay in. But I wuz so afraid all
the time of eatin’ rats and mice that I couldn’t take any
comfort in meat vittles. They do eat rats there, for I see
*em hangin’ in the markets with their long tails curled up,
ready to bile or fry. Josiah said he wished he had thought
on’t, he would brung out a lot to sell, and he wuz all rousted
up to try to make a bargain to supply one of these shops
with rats and mice, Sez he;
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 1°%9

“It will be clear profit, Samantha, for I want to get rid
on ’em, and all the Jonesvillians do, and if I can sell their car-
casses I will throw in the hide and taller. Why, I can make
a corner on rats and mice in Jonesville; I can git ’em by the
wagon load of the farmers and git pay at both ends.” But
I told him that the freightage would eat up the profits, and
he seé it would, and gin up the idee onwillin’ly.

Though I don’t love such hot stuff as we had to eat,
curry, and red peppers, and chutney, not to home I don’t,
but I see it wuz better to eat such food there on account of
the climate. Some of our party had to take quinine, too,
for the stomach’s sake to keep up, for you feel there like
faintin’ right away, the climate is such. .

It must be that the Chinese like amusements, for we see
sights of theatres and concert rooms and lanterns wuz hang-
in’ everywhere and bells. And there wuz streets all full of
silk shops, and weavers, and jewelry, and cook shops right
open on either side. All the colors of the rainbow and more
too you see in the silks and embroideries, and jewelry of all
kinds and swingin’ signs and mat awnings overhead, and the
narrer streets full of strange lookin’ folks, in their strange
lookin’ dresses.

We visited a joss house, and a Chinaman’s paradise
where opium eaters and smokers lay in bunks lookin’ as
silly and happy as if they wouldn’t ever wake up agin to
their tawdy wretchedness. We visited a silk manufactory,
a glass blowing shop. We see a white marble pagoda with
several tiers of gilded bells hangin’ on the outside. Inside it
wuz beautifully ornamented, some of the winders wuz made
of the inside of oyster shells; they made a soft, pleasant light,
and it had a number of idols made of carved ivory and some
of jade stun, and the principal idol wuz a large gilded dragon.

Josiah said the idee of worshippin’ such a looking creeter
as that. Sez he, “I should ruther worship our old gan-
der.’ And Miss Meechim wuz horrified, too, at the wick-
edness of the Chinese in worshippin’ idols,
180 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

But Arvilly walked around it with her head up, and
said that America worshipped an idol that looked enough
sight worse than that and a million times worse actin’. Sez
she, “ This idol will stay where it is put, it won’t rare around
and murder its worshippers.”

And Miss Meechim sez coldly, “I don’t know what you
mean; I know that I am an Episcopalian and worship as our
beautiful creed dictates.”

Sez Arvilly, “ Anybody that sets expediency before prin-
ciple, from a king to a ragpicker; any one who cringes to a
power he knows is vile and dangerous, and protects and ex-
tends its influence from greed and ambition, such a one wor-
ships a far worse idol than this peaceable, humbly-lookin’ crit-
ter and looks worse to me enough sight.”

I hearn Miss Meechim say out to one side to Dorothy,
“ How sick I am of hearing her constant talk against intem-
perance; from California to China I have had to hear it. And
you know, Dorothy, that folks can drink genteel.”

But Dorothy, with her sweet lips trembling and her white
dimpled chin quivering, sez, “ I should think we had suffered
enough from the Whiskey Power, Auntie, to hear anything
said against it, and at any time.”

And Robert Strong jined in with Dorothy, and so Miss
Meechim subsided, and I see a dark shadder creep over her
face, too, and tears come into her pale blue eyes. She hain’t
forgot Aronette, poor little victim! Crunched and crushed
under the wheels of the monster Juggernaut America rolls
round to crush its people under. I wuz some like Arvilly.
When I thought of that I didn’t feel to say so much aginst
them foreign idols, though they wuz humbly lookin’ as I ever
see. And speakin’ of idols, one day we see twelve fat hogs
in a temple, where they wuz kept as sacred animals, and
here agin Miss Meechim wuz horrified and praised up Ameri-
can doin’s, and run down China, and agin Arvilly made re-
marks. Sez she:

“ The hogs there wallowing in their filth are poor lookin’
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 181

things to kneel down and worship, but they’re shut up here
with priests to tend to ’em; they can’t git out to roam round
and entice innocents into their filthy sties and perpetuate
their swinish lives, and that is more than we can say of the
American beastly idols, or our priesthood who fatten them
and themselves and then let ’em out to rampage round and
act.”

Miss Meechim sithed deep and remarked to me “ that the
tariff laws wuz a absorbin’ topic to her mind at that time.”
She did it to change the subject.

We went to a Chinese crematory and the Temple of
Longevity, where if you paid enough you could git a promise
of long life. Josiah is clost, but he gin quite a good deal
for him, and wuz told that he would live to be one hundred
and twenty-seven years of age. He felt well. Of course we
had a interpreter with is who talked for us. Josiah wanted
me to pay, too, for a promise. Sez he with a worried look:

“T shall be wretched as a widower, Samantha; do patron-
ize ’em, I had ruther save on sunthin’ else than this.”

So to please him I gin ’em a little more than he did,
and they guaranteed me one hundred and forty years, and
then Josiah worried agin and wanted me to promise not to
marry agin after he wuz gone. He worships me. And I
told him that if I lived to be a hundred and forty I guessed
I shouldn’t be thinkin’ much about marryin’, and he looked
easier in his mind.

One day we met a weddin’ procession, most a mild long,
I should say. The bride wuz ahead in her sedan chair, her
dress wuz richly embroidered and spangled, a veil fringed
with little pearls hung over her face. Pagodas with tinkling
gilt bells, sedan chairs full of silk and cloth and goods of all
kinds wuz carried in the procession by coolies. Idols cov-
ered with jade and gilt jewelry, a company of little children
beatin’ tom-toms and gongs, and the stuffed bodies of ani-
mals all ornamented with gilt and red paper figgers wuz car-
182. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

ried, and at the tail end of the procession come the friends
of the family.

The bridegroom wuzn’t there, he wuz waitin’ to hum in
his own or his father’s house for the bride he’d never seen.
But if the bride’s feet wuz not too large he would most likely
be suited.

Miss Meechim said, “ Poor young man! to have to take
a wife he has never seen; how widely different and how im-
measurably better are such things carried on in America.”

Sez Arvilly, “ What bridegroom ever did see his bride as
she really wuz? Till the hard experience of married life
brought out her hidden traits, good and bad? Or what wife
ever see her husband’s real temper and character until after
years of experience?”

Sez I, “ That’s so; leaves are turned over in Josiah Allen’s
mind now as long as we’ve been pardners that has readin’
on ’em as strange to me as if they wuz writ in Chinese or
Japan.”

But then it must be admitted that not to see your wife’s
face and know whether she’s cross-eyed or snub-nosed is
tryin’. But they say it is accordin’ to the decree of Feng
Shui, and therefore they accept it willingly. They have a
great variety of good fruit in Canton—some that I never see
before—but their vegetables don’t taste so good as ours,
more stringy and watery, and their eggs they want buried
six months before usin’ ’em. I believe that sickened me of
China as much as anything. But then some folks at home
want their game kep’ till it hain’t fit to eat in my opinion.
But eggs! they should be like Czsar’s wife, above suspicion—
the idee of eatin’ ’em with their shells all blue and spotted
with age—the idee!
CHAPTER XVI

VaFaKE wuz all invited one day to dine with a rich
Chinaman Robert Strong had got acquainted
with in San Francisco. Arvilly didn’t want
to go, and offered to keep Tommy with her,
and the rest of us went. The house wuz sur-
rounded with a high wall, and we entered through a small
door in this wall, and went into a large hall openin’ on a
courtyard. The host met us and we set down on a raised
seat covered with red cloth under some big, handsome lan-
terns that wuz hung over our heads. Servants with their
hair braided down their backs and with gay dresses on
brought in tea—as good as any I ever drank—and pipes.
Josiah whispered to me:

“ow be I agoin’ to smoke tobacco, Samantha? It
will make me sick as death. You know I never smoked any-
thing but a little catnip and mullen for tizik. I wonder if he’s
got any catnip by him; I’m goin’ to ask.”

But I kep’ him from it, and told him that we could just
put the stems in our mouths, and pretend to smoke enough to
be polite.

“Hypocrasy,” sez Josiah, “ don’t become a deacon in high
standin’. If I pretend to smoke I shall smoke, and take a
good pull.” And he leaned back and shut his eyes and took
his pipe in his hand, and I guess he drawed on it more than
he meant to, for he looked bad, sickish and white round his
mouth as anything. But we all walked out into the garden
pretty soon and he looked resuscitated.

It was beautiful there; rare flowers and exotics of all
kinds, trees that I never see before and lots that I had seen,
sparklin’ fountains with gold fish, grottos all lit up by colored

 
184 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

lanterns, and little marble tablets with wise sayings. Josiah
said he believed they wuz ducks’ tracks, and wondered how
ducks ever got up there to make ’em, but the interpreter
read some on ’em to us and they sounded first rate. Way
up on a artificial rock, higher than the Jonesville steeple, wuz
a beautiful pavilion with gorgeous lanterns in it and beautiful
bronzes and china.

In the garden wuz growin’ trees, trimmed all sorts of
shapes, some on ’em wuz shaped like bird cages and birds
wuz singin’ inside of em. There wuz one like a jinrikisha
with a horse attached, all growin’, and one like a boat, and
two or three wuz pagodas with gilt bells hangin’ to ’em, an-
other wuz shaped like a dragon, and some like fish and great
birds. It wuz a sight to see ’em, all on ’em a growin’, and
some on ’em hundreds of years old. Josiah says to me:

“Tf I ever live to git home I will surprise Jonesville. I
will have our maple and apple trees trimmed in this way if
I live. How uneek it will be to see the old snow apple tree
turned into a lumber wagon, and the pound sweet into a corn
house, and the maples in front of the house you might have
a couple on ’em turned into a Goddess of Liberty and a stat-
ter of Justice, you are such a hand for them two females,”
sez he. “ Of course we should have to use cloth for Justice’s
eye bandages, and her steelyards I believe Ury and I could
trim out, though they might not weigh jest right to the
notch.”

And I sez, “ Justice has been used to that, to not weighin’
things right, it wouldn’t surprise her.” But I told him it
would be sights of work and mebby he’ll give it up.

Soon afterwards we wuz all invited to dinner in this same
house. And so ignorant are the Chinese of Jonesville ways
that at a dinner the place of honor is at the left instead of
the right of the host. Everything that can be in China is
topsy tervy and different from us. I wuz chose for that hon-
orable place at the left of our host. We all stood for quite
a while, for it is China table etiquette to try to make the guest
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 185

next to us set down first, but finally we all sot down similta-
neous and at the same time. Josiah thinks that it is because
China is right down under us the reason that she gits so
turned over and strange actin’, but ’tennyrate, endin’ our din-
ner as we do with sweets, it didn’t surprise me that we begun
our dinner by havin’ sweetmeats passed, each one helpin’
ourselves with chop sticks, queer things to handle as I ever
see, some like the little sticks I have seen niggers play tunes
with. Josiah seemed to enjoy hisen the best that ever wuz,
and to my horrow he took both on ’em in his right hand and
begun to play Yankee Doodle on ’em.

I stepped on his foot hard under the table, and he broke
off with a low groan, but I spoze they would lay it to a for-
eigner’s strange ways. After the sweetmeats wuz partook
of we had dried melon seeds, the host handin’ ’em round by
the handful. Josiah slipped his into his pocket. I wuz
mortified enough, but he said:

“Of course he wants us to plant ’em; nobody but a fool
would expect us to eat melon seeds or horse feed.”

I wuz glad Josiah didn’t speak in China, I guess they
didn’t understand him. <A rice-wine wuz passed with this,
which of course I did not partake of. Much as I wanted to
be polite I could not let this chance pass of holdin’ up my tem-
perance banner. I had seen enough trouble caused by folks
in high station not holdin’ up temperance principles at ban-
quets, and I wuzn’t to be ketched in the same way, so I
waived it off with a noble and lofty jester, but Miss Meechim
drinked wine every time it wuz passed, and she got real
tonguey before we went home, and her eyes looked real
kinder glassy—glassier than a perfessor’s eyes ort to look.
Then we had bird’s-nest soup, which is one of the most
costly luxuries to be had in Canton. They are found on
precipitous rocks overhanging the sea, and one must risk
his life to get them. It didn’t taste any better to me than a
chip. It seemed to be cut in little square yeller pieces, kind
186 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

of clear lookin’, some like preserved citron only it wuz lighter
colored, and Josiah whispered to me:

“We can have bird’s-nest soup any day to hum, Saman-
tha. Jest think of the swaller’s nest in the barn and robin’s
nest and crow’s nest, why one crow’s nest would last us a
week.”

“ Tt would last a lifetime, Josiah, if I had to cook it; sticks
and straw.”

“Well, it would be real uneek to cook one, or a hornet’s
nest, and would be a rarity for the Jonesvillians, and in the
winter, if we run out of bird’s-nest, you could cook a hen’s
nest.”

But I sez, “ Keep still, Josiah, and let’s see what we'll
have next.”

Well, we had ham, fish, pigeon’s eggs and some things
I didn’t know the name of. The host took up a little mess
of sunthin’ on his chop stick and handed it to me. I dassent
refuse it, for he meant it as a honor, but I most know it wuz
rat meat, but couldn’t tell for certain. I put my shoulder
blades to the wheel and swallered it, but it went down hard.

Bowls of rice wuz passed round last. Between the courses
we had the best tea I ever tasted of; only a few of the first
leaves that open on the tea plant are used for this kind of
tea, and a big field would be gone over for a pound of it.
After it is cured it is flavored with the tea blossom. I had
spozed I had made good tea to home on my own hot water
tank, and drinked it, but I gin up that I had never tasted
tea before.

On our way home we went through the Street of Benevo-
lence and I wuz ashamed to run Miss Meechim in my mind.

They name their streets real funny; one street is called
Everlasting Love, or it means that in our language, and
there is Refreshing Breezes, Reposing Dragons, Honest
Gain, Thousand Grandsons, Heavenly Happiness, and etc.,
etc.

Josiah said that he should see Uncle Sime Bentley and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 187%

Deacon Henzy about naming over the Jonesville streets the
minute he got home. Sez he, “ How uneek it will be to trot
along through Josiah’s Never Ending Success, or Prosperous
Interesting Josiah, or the Glorious Pathmaster, or the Di-
vine Travellin’ Deacon, or sunthin’ else uneek and well
meanin’.”

Sez I, “ You seem to want to name ’em all after your-
self, Josiah. Uncle Sime and Deacon Henzy would probable
want one or two named after them.”

“Well,” sez he, “we could name one Little Uncle, and
one Spindlin’ Deacon, if they insisted on’t.”

Josiah wuz in real good sperits, I laid it partly to the
tea, it wuz real stimulating; Josiah said that it beat all that
the Chinese wuz so blinded and out of the way as to do things
so different from what they did in Jonesville. “ But,” sez he,
“they’re politer on the outside than the Jonesvillians, even
down to the coolers.”

Sez I, “ Do you mean the coolies? ”

“Yes, the coolers, the hired help, you know,” sez he.
“Catch Ury fixin’ his eye on his left side coat collar when
he speaks to me not dastin’ to lift it, and bowin’ and scrapin’
when I told him to go and hitch up, or bring in a pail of
water, and catch him windin’ his hair in a wod when he wuz
out by himself and then lettin’ it down his back when he
came to wait on me.”

Sez I, ‘‘ Ury’s hair is too short to braid.”

“ Well, you can spozen the case, can’t you? But as I wuz
sayin’, for all these coolers are so polite, I would trust Ury
as fur agin as I would any on ’em. And then they write jest
the other way from we do in Jonesville, begin their letters
on the hind side and write towards ’em; and so with planin’
a board, draw the plane towards ’em. I would like to see
Ury try that on any of my lumber. And because we Jones-
villians wear black to funerals, they have to dress in white.
How would I looked at my mother-in-law’s funeral with a
white night gown on and my hair braided down my back
188 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

with a white ribbin on it? It would have took away all the
happiness of the occasion to me.

“And then their language, Samantha, it is fixed in such
a fool way that when they want a word different, they yell up
the same word louder and that makes it different, as if I wuz
to say to Ury kinder low and confidential, ‘I shall be the
next president, Ury;’ and then I should yell up the same
words a little louder and that would mean, ‘ Feed the brindle
steer ;’ there hain’t no sense in it. But I spoze one thing that
ails them is their havin’ to stand bottom side up, their feet
towards Jonesville. Their blood runs the wrong way. Mebby
I shouldn’t do any better than they do if I stood so the hull
of the time; mebby I should let my finger nails grow out
like bird’s claws and shake my own hands when I meet
company instead of theirn. Though,” sez Josiah, dreamily,
“T don’t know but I shall try that in Jonesville; I may on
my return from my travels walk up to Elder Minkley and
the bretheren in the meetin’-house, and pass the compliments
with ’em and clasp my own hands and shake ’em quite a
spell, not touchin’ their hands. I may, but can’t tell for cer-
tain; it would be real uneek to do it.”

“Well,” sez I, “ Josiah, every country has its own strange
ways; we have ourn.”

Sez he, “ How you would scold me if I wuz to wear my
hat when we had company, and here it is manners to do it,
and take off your specs. Why should I take off my specs to
meet Elder Minkley? ”

“Well,” sez I, “there hain’t anything out of the way in
it, if they want to.”

Sez Josiah, “ You seem to take to China ways so, you
and Arvilly, that I spoze mebby you'll begin to bandage your
feet when you git home, and toddle round on your big toes.”

And I sez, “I d’no but I’d jest as soon do that as to girt
myself down with cossets, or walk round with a trailin’ dress
wipin’ up all the filth of the streets to carry home to make
my family sick.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 189

But it is a awful sight. I had the chance right there in
Canton to see a foot all bound up to make it the fashionable
size.

The four small toes wuz twisted right under the ankle,
and the broken, crushed bones of the foot pressed right up
where the instep should be. The pain must have been sun-
thin’ terrible, and very often a toe drops off, but I spoze they
are glad of that, for it would make the little lump of dead
flesh they call their feet smaller. They wear bright satin
shoes, all embroidered and painted, and their little pantelettes
cover all but the very end of the toe. They all, men and
wimmen, wear a loose pair of trowsers which they call the
foo, and a kind of jacket which they call a sham.

“A fool and a sham,” Josiah called ’em all the time. The
wimmen have their hair all stuck up with some kind of gum,
making it as good as a bunnet, but I would fur ruther have
the bunnet. Sometimes they wear a handkerchief over it.
Wimmen hain’t shut up here as they are in Turkey, but no
attention is paid to their education and they are looked down
on. Men seem to be willin’ to have wimmen enjoy what re-
ligion they can, such as they have. But her husband won’t
let her set to the table with him, and he can whip her to death
and not be touched for it, but if she strikes back a single blow
he can get a divorce from her.

I thought wimmen wuz worse off here than they wuz in
America, but Arvilly argyed that our govermunt sold stuff
and took pay for it that made men beat their wives, and sold
the right to make wicked wimmen and keep ’em so, and took
wimmen’s tax money to keep up such laws. And she went
over such a lot of unjust laws that I didn’t know but she wuz
right, and that we wuz jest about as bad off in some things.
They marry dretful young in China. Little babies are en-
gaged to be married right whilst they’re teethin’, but they
can’t marry I guess till they are ten or twelve years old.

From Canton we went back to Hongkong, intendin’ to go
from there to Calcutta. But Dorothy felt that she must see
190 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Japan while she wuz so near, and we concluded to go, though
it wuz goin’ right out of our way in the opposite direction
from Jonesville. But when Dorothy expressed a wish Rob-
ert Strong seemed to think it wuz jest as bindin’ on him as
the law of the Medes and Persians, whatever they may be,
and Miss Meechim felt so too, so though as I say it wuz some
as though I should go to she that wuz Submit Tewksberrys
round by the widder Slimpsey’s and Brother Henzy’s. We
found some mail here to the tarven, letters from the dear
children and our help. Thomas J. and Maggie wuz gittin’
better, and the rest well, and all follerin’ our journey with
fond hearts and good wishes. Philury and Ury writ that
everything was goin’ well on the farm and the Jonesvillians
enjoyin’ good health. Arvilly got a paper from Jonesville
and come in to read it to us. It had been a long time on the
road. It said that a new bill was a-goin’ to be introduced to
allow wimmen to vote, but she didn’t seem to be encouraged
about it much. Sez she: “ The law won’t do anything about
that as long as it is so busy grantin’ licenses to kill folks via
Saloon and other houses of death and ruin and canals and
trusts and monopolies to protect to steal the people’s money.”

But I sez, “I do hope the bill will pass for the sake of
Justice, if nothin’ else. Justice,” sez I, “ must have been so
shamed to see such things goin’ on that she wuz glad she
wore bandages over her eyes; and her hands have shook so
she hain’t weighed even for some time; to see her sect taxed
without representation, punished and hung by laws she has no
voice in makin’.”

Josiah sez, ‘I admit that that is ruther hard, Samantha,
but that hain’t the nick on’t. The pint is that wimmen hain’t
got the self-control that men has. The govermunt is afraid
of her emotional nater; she gits wrought up too quick. She
is good as gold, almost a angel, in fact, as we male voters
have always said. But she is too hasty; she hain’t got the
perfect calmness, the firm onmovable sense of right and
wrong, the patience and long sufferin’ that we men have;
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 191

she flies off too sudden one way or t’other; govermunt well
fears she would be a dangerous element in the body poli-
tick.”

Jest as Josiah finished this remark Arvilly read out a
thrillin’ editorial about the war between Russia and Japan;
the editor commented on the wickedness of men plungin’
two great empires into warfare, slaughterin’ thousands and
thousands of men, bringin’ ontold wretchedness, distress, pes-
tilence and destitution just to gratify ambition or angry pas-
sion. For it wuz this, he said, in the first place, whatever
it became afterward.

A war of defence, of course, argued an aggressor, and he
talked eloquent about Courts of Arbitration which would do
away with the wholesale butchery and horror of war. And
he called eloquent on Peace to fly down on her white wings
bearing the olive branch, to come and stop this unutterable
woe and crime of war.

(Arvilly left off readin’ to remind Josiah that Peace wuz
always depictered as a female, and then resoomed her
readin’.)

In conclusion, the editor lamented the fact that in the
annals of our nation men so often forgot the Golden Rule
and gin vent to voylent passions and onbecomin’ behavior.

Sez Josiah, “ I guess I will take Tommy and go out for a
little walk, Samantha, I feel kinder mauger.”

“T should think you would!” sez Arvilly, lookin’ hull
reams of by-laws and statutes at him.

And I sez, “ Whilst you’re walkin’, dear Josiah, you
might meditate on the danger to the govermunt from wim-
men’s emotional nature, and the patience and long sufferin’
of men voters.” I said it real tender and good, but he
snapped me up real snappish.

Sez he, “I shall meditate on what I’m a minter. Come,
Tommy,” and they went out.
CHAPTER XVII

ND the next day we started for Yokohama. I
had felt kinder dubersome about goin’ through
countries that wuz plunged in a great war, but
we got along all right, nobody shot at us or

made any move to, and we didn’t see anybody

hurt. But knowed that the warfare wuz ragin’ away some-
where out of our sight.

Death wuz marchin’ along on his pale horse in front of
the army, and hearts wuz breakin’ and the light of the sun
and of life darkened in thousands and thousands of grand
and humble homes.

I felt dretful when I thought on’t, but hain’t goin’ to har-
row up the reader’s feelin’s talkin’ about it, knowin’ it won’t
do any good, and anyway they’ve all read the particulars in
the daily papers.

Well, we reached Yokohama with no fatal casualities to
report, though my pardner wuz real seasick, but brightened
up as we drew nigh to shore. Here and there a little village
with quaint houses could be seen, and anon a temple or shrine
riz up above the beautiful tropical foliage and further off the
Fujiyama, the sacred mountain, riz up above the other moun-
tains.

We come into the harbor about half-past three and arrove
at our tarven about five. When we drew nigh the shore
almost naked boatmen come out to meet us in their sam-
pans, as they call their little boats (Josiah called ’em “ sass
pans” right to their face, but I don’t spoze they understood
it). They wuz to take us into the shore and they wuz yellin’
to each other fearful as they pushed their boats ahead. Their
toilettes consisted mostly of figgers pricked into their skins,

   

M
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 193

dragons and snakes seemed their favorite skin ornaments,
the color wuz blue mostly with some red. Josiah sez to me
as we looked down on ’em from the dock:

“Them coolers wouldn’t have to carry a Saratoga trunk
with ’em when they travel; a bottle of ink and a pin would
last em through life.” It wuz a real hot day, and Josiah con-
tinered, “ Well, their clothin’ is comfortable anyway, that’s
why they are called coolers, because they’re dressed so cool,”
and, sez he, “ what a excitement I could make in Jonesville
next summer in dog-days by introducin’ this fashion.”’

I looked on him in horrow, and he added hastily, “‘ Oh,
I should wear a short tunic, Samantha, comin’ down most
to my knees, with tossels on it, and I shouldn’t wear snakes
or dragons on my skin, I should wear some texts of Scripter,
or appropriate quotations, as Josiah the fair, or Josiah the
pride of Jonesville, runnin’ down my legs and arms, and I
shouldn’t have ’em pricked in, I could have ’em painted in
gay colors.”

“Oh, heavens!” sez I, lookin’ up to the sky, “ what won’t
T hear next from this man!”

““T hadn’t said I should do it, Samantha; and ’tennyrate
it would be only through dog-days. I said what a excite-
ment it would make if I concluded to do it.”

Sez I, “It is a excitement that would land you in Jones-
ville jail, and ort to.”

But at that minute Arvilly and Miss Meechim come up to
us and broke off the conversation. Japan boatmen jest wear
a cloth round their loins, and some of ’em had a little square
of matting fastened by a rope round their necks to keep the
rain offen their backs.

After goin’ through the custom house, where we got off
easy, we went to a tarven called the Grand Hotel and had a
good night’s rest.
CHAPTER XVIII

RHE next mornin’, after tiffen, which wuz what
they call breakfast, bein’ just so ignorant of
good Jonesville language, Josiah and I and
Tommy sallied out to see what we could see,
the rest of our party havin’ gone out before.

Wantin’ to go a considerable ways, we hired two jin-
rikishas, and I took Tommy in my lap, and I must say that
I felt considerable like a baby in a baby carriage carryin’ a
doll; but I got over it and felt like a grandma before I had
gone fur. How Josiah felt I don’t know, though I hearn him
disputin’ with the man about his prices—we had took a inter-
preter with us so we could know what wuz said to us. The
price for a jinrikisha is five sen, and Josiah thought it meant
five cents of our money, and so handed it to him. But the
man wuz so ignorant he didn’t know anything about Jones-
ville money, and he kep’ a-callin’ for sen, and the interpreter
sez “ Sen,” holdin’ up his five fingers and speakin’ it up loud,
and I hearn Josiah say:

“Well, you fool, you, I have given you five cents! What
more do you want?” But at last he wuz made to under-
stand; but when Josiah made him know where he wanted to
go the interpreter said that the sedan carriers wanted a yen,
and my poor pardner had another struggle. Sez he:

“You consarned fool, how do you spoze I can give you
ahen? Do you spoze I can git into my hen house ten thou-
sand milds off to git you a hen? Or do you want me to
steal one for you?”

“A yen,” sez the interpreter, and the way he said it it did
sound like hen.

“ Well, I said hen, didn’t I?” said my pardner.

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFR 195

But I leaned out of my baby cart and sez, “ Y-e-n, Josiah.
A yen is their money, a dollar.”

“Oh, why don’t they call it a cow or a brindle calf?”
He wuz all het up by his efforts to understand. They call
one of their dollars a yen, a sen is a cent, and a rin is the
tenth part of a cent. Josiah fell in love with the copper rins
with square holes in the centre. Sez he:

“ How I would love to furnish you with ’em, Samantha,
when you went to the store in Jonesville. I would hand you
out five or six rins and you could string ‘em and wear ’em
round your neck till you got to the store.”

“Yes,” sez I, “half a cent would go a good ways in
buyin’ family stores.”

“Well, it would have a rich look, Samantha, and I mean
to make some when I git home. Why, Ury and I could make
hundreds of ‘em out of our old copper kettle that has got a
hole in it, and I shouldn’t wonder if I could pass ’em.”

Miss Meechim had a idee that the Japans wuz in a state
of barbarism, but Arvilly who wuz always at swords’ pints
with her threw such a lot of statistics at her that it fairly
danted her. There are six hundred newspapers in Japan.
The Japanese daily at Tokio has a circulation of 300,000.
She has over 3,000 milds of railroads and uses the American
system of checking baggage. Large factories with the best
machinery has been built late years, but a great part of the
manufacturing is done by the people in their own homes,
where they turn out those exquisite fabrics of silk and cotton
and rugs of all the colors of the rainbow, and seemingly as
fadeless as that bow. Slavery is unknown, and there is very
little poverty with all the crowded population. The Japans
are our nearest neighbors acrost the Pacific and we've been
pretty neighborly with ’em, havin’ bought from ’em within
the last ten years most three hundred millions worth of
goods. She would miss us if anything should happen to us.

Yokohama is a city of 124,000 inhabitants, most all
Japans, though in what they call the settlement there are
196 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

fifteen or twenty thousand foreigners. There are beautiful
homes here with flower gardens containing the rarest and
most beautiful flowers, trees and shrubs of all kinds.

The day Josiah had his struggle with the interpreter and
Japan money we rode down the principal streets of Yoko-
hama. And I would stop at some of the silk shops, though
Josiah objected and leaned out of his jinrikisha and sez anx-
iously :

“Don’t spend more’n half a dozen rins, Samantha, on
dress, for you know we’ve got more than 10,000 milds to
travel and the tarven bills are high.”

Sez I in real dry axents, “ If I conclude to buy a dress I
shall have to have as much as a dozen rins; I don’t believe
that I could git a handsome and durable one for less.” My
tone was sarcastical. The idee of buyin’ a silk dress for half a
cent! But I didn’t lay out to buy; I wuz jest lookin’ round.

I saw in those shops some of the most beautiful silks and
embroideries that I ever did see, and I went into a lacquer
shop where there wuz the most elegant furniture and rich
bronzes inlaid with gold and silver. They make the finest
bronzes in the world; a little pair of vases wuz fifteen hun-
dred dollars and you couldn’t get ’em for less. But why
shouldn’t there be beautiful things in a country where every
one is a artist?

We stopped at a tea house and had a cup of tea, delicious
as I never spozed tea could be and served by pretty young
girls with gay colored, loose silk suits and hair elaborately
dressed up with chains and ornaments; their feet and legs wuz
bare, but they wuz covered with ornaments of brass and jade.
Afterwards we passed fields of rice where men and wimmen
wuz working, the men enrobed in their skin toilette of drag-
ons and other figures and loin cloth and the wimmen in little
scanty skirts comin’ from the waist to the knees. Their
wages are eight cents a day. I wondered what some of our
haughty kitchen rulers, who demand a dollar a day and the
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 19%

richest of viands would say if they wuz put down on a basis
of eight cents a day and water and rice diet.

The little bamboo cottages are lovely lookin’ from the
outside with their thatched roofs, some on ’em with little
bushes growin’ out on the thatch and little bunches of grass
growin’ out under the eaves. The children of the poor are
entirely naked and don’t have a rag on’em until they’re ten or
twelve. <A lot of em come up to the jinrikishas and called
out “oh-hi-o” to Josiah, and he shook his head and sez
affably :

“No, bub, ’'m from Jonesville.”

But the interpreter explained oh-hi-o means good morn-
in’; and after that for days Josiah would say to me as soon
as I waked up, “ Ohio,” and wanted to say it to the rest, but
I broke it up.

One thing Josiah thought wuz wicked: a Japanese is
not allowed to wear whiskers till he is a grandpa, so old bach-
elors have to go with smooth faces,

Sez Josiah, “ What if Cousin Zebedee Allen couldn’t
wear whiskers? Why,” sez he, “his whiskers are his main
beauty, and naterally Zeb is more particular about his looks
than if he wuz married. Such laws are wicked and arbitrary.
Why, when I courted my first wife, Samantha, my whiskers
and my dressy looks wuz what won the day. And I d’no,”
sez he inquiringly, ‘‘ but they won your heart.”

“No,” sez I, “it wuzn’t them, and heaven only knows
what it wuz; I never could tell. I’ve wondered about it a
sight.”

“ Well,” sez he, “I didn’t know but it wuz my whiskers.”

We passed a number of temples where the people wor-
ship. The two principal religions are the Shinto and the
Buddhist. The Shinto means, “ The way of the gods,” and
they believe that their representative is the Mikado, so of
course they lay out to worship him. The Buddhists preach
renunciation, morality, duty, and right living. Bein’ such a
case to cling to Duty’s apron strings I couldn’t feel towards
198 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the Buddhists as Miss Meechim did. Sez she, “ Oh, why
can’t they believe as we do in America? Why can’t they
all be Episcopalians?”

But ’tennyrate all religions are tolerated here, and as
Arvilly told Miss Meechim when she wuz bewailin’ the fact
that they wuzn’t all Episcopals and wuzn’t more like our
country.

Sez Arvilly, “They don’t drownd what they call witches,
nor hang Quakers, nor whip Baptists, nor have twenty wives.
It don’t do for us to find too much fault with the religion
of other nations, Miss Meechim, specially them that teaches
the highest morality, self-control and self-sacrifice.”

Miss Meechim was huffy, but Arvilly drove the arrer
home. ‘“ Gamblin’ is prohibted here; you wouldn’t be al-
lowed gamble for bed-quilts and afghans at church socials,
Miss Meechim.”

Miss Meechim wouldn’t say a word. I see she wuz awful
huffy. But howsumever there are lots of people here who
believe in the Christian religion.

We passed such cunning little farms; two acres is called a
good farm, and everything seemed to be growin’ on it in
little squares, kep’ neat and clean, little squares of rice and
wheat and vegetables.

And Josiah sez, “I wonder what Ury would say if I
should set him to transplantin’ a hull field of wheat, spear
by spear, as they do here, set em out in rows as we do onions.
And I guess he’d kick if I should hitch him onto the plow to
plow up a medder, or onto the mower or reaper. I guess I'd
git enough of it. I guess he’d give me my come-up-ance.”

“ Not if he wuz so polite as the Japans,” sez I.

“ And what a excitement it would make in Jonesville,”
sez Josiah, “if I should hitch Ury and Philury onto the
mowin’ machine. I might,” he continered dreamily, “ just
for a change, drive ’em into Jonesville once on the lumber
wagon.”

But he'll forgit it, I guess, and Japan will forgit it too
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 199

before long. Their tools are poor and fur behind ourn, and
some of their ways are queer; such as trainin’ their fruit trees
over arbors as we do vines. Josiah wuz dretful took with
this and vowed he'd train our old sick no further over a
arbor. Sez he, “If I can train that old tree into a runnin’
vine I shall be the rage in Jonesville.”

But he can’t do it. The branches are as thick as his
arm. And I sez, “Children and trees have to be tackled
young, Josiah, to bend their wills the way you want ’em to
go.” They make a great fuss here over the chrysantheum,
and they are beautiful, I must admit. They don’t look much
like mine that I have growin’ in a kag in the east winder.

Their common fruits are the persimmons, a sweet fruit
about as big as a tomato and lookin’ some like it, with flat
black seeds, pears, good figs, oranges, peaches, apples. There
is very little poverty, and the poorest people are very clean
and neat. Their law courts don’t dally for month after month
and years. If aman murders they hang him the same week.

But mebby our ways of lingerin’ along would be better in
some cases, if new evidence should be found within a year or
so, or children should grow up into witnesses.

We went into a Japanese house one day. It is made ona
bamboo frame, the roof and sides wuz thatched with rye
straw, the winders wuz slidin’ frames divided into little
squares covered with thin white paper. The partitions wuz
covered with paper, and movable, so you could if you wanted
to make your house into one large room. Josiah told me
that he should tear out every partition in our house and fix
“em like this. “ How handy it would be, Samantha, if I ever
wanted to preach.”

And I told him that I guessed our settin’ room would
hold all that would come to hear him preach, and sez I, “ How
would paper walls do with the thermometer forty below
zero?” He looked frustrated, he had never thought of that.

The house we went into wuz sixteen feet square, divided
into four square rooms. It wuz two stories high, and little
200 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

porches about two feet wide wuz on each story, front and
back. There wuz no chimney; there wuz a open place in the
wall of the kitchen to let the smoke out from the little char-
coal furnace they used to cook with, and one kettle wuz
used to cook rice and fish; no spoons or forks are needed.
The doors and frame-work wuz painted bronze color. There
wuzn’t much furniture besides the furnace and tea-kettle
that stands handy to make tea at any time. A few cups and
saucers, a small clock, a family idol, and a red cushioned plat-
form they could move, high and wide enough for a seat so
several can set back to back, is about all that is necessary.

Their floors are covered with a lined straw matting, soft
as carpet; they sleep on cotton mats put away in the day-
time; their head-rest is a small block of wood about one foot
long, five inches wide and eight inches high. A pillow filled
with cut rye straw and covered with several sheets of rice
paper isn’t so bad, though I should prefer my good goose
feather pillows. The Japanese are exceedingly neat and
clean; they could teach needed lessons to the poorer classes
in America. ;

We one day made an excursion twenty milds on the To-
kiado, the great highway of Japan. It is broad and smooth;
five hundred miles long, and follers the coast. Part of the
way we went with horses, and little side trips into the coun-
try wuz made with jinrikishas. Quaint little villages wuz on
each side of the road, and many shrines on the waysides.
That day we see the famous temple of Diabutsu with its
colossal bronze idol. It wuz fifty feet high and eighty-seven
feet round. The eyes three feet and a half wide. One thumb
is three and a half feet round. He seemed to be settin’ on
his feet.

A widder and a priest wuz kneelin’ in front of this idol.
The priest held in one hand a rope and anon he would jerk
out melancholy sounds from a big bronze bell over his head.
In his other hand he held some little pieces of wood and
paper with prayers printed on ’em, As he would read ’em
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 201

off he would lay one down on the floor, and the widder
would give him some money every time. I thought that
wuz jest about where the prayers went, down on the floor;
they never riz higher, I don’t believe.

Josiah wuz kinder took with ’em, and sez he, “ How
handy that would be, Samantha, if a man wuz diffident, and
every man, no matter how bashful he is, has more or less
wood chips in his back yard. Sometimes I feel diffident,
Samantha.”

But I sez, “I don’t want any wooden prayers offered
for me, Josiah Allen, and,” sez I, “ that seen shows jest how
widders are imposed upon.”

“Well,” sez he, ‘ she no need to dickered with the priest
for ‘em if she hadn’t wanted to.”

And I did wish that that little widder had known about
the One ever present, ever living God, who has promised to
comfort the widder, be a father to the orphan, and wipe away
all tears.

But the Sunrise Land is waking up, there is a bright light
in the East:

In the beauty of the lilies Christ is born acrost the sea,
With a glory in his bosom that transfigures you and me.

With the sweet gentleness and amiable nater of the Japans
what will not the divine religion of the Lord Jesus do for
them? It will be plantin’ seed in good ground that will
spring up a hundredfold.

I spoze that it wuz on Robert Strong’s account (he is
acquainted with so many big Chinamen and Japans) that we
wuz invited to a elegant tiffen in one of the Mikado’s palaces
at Tokio. The grounds wuz beautiful, the garden containing
some of the most beautiful specimens of trees, trained into
all shapes, some on ’em hundreds of years old, but havin’
their faculties yet, and growin’ jest as they wuz told to, and
all the beautiful flowers and shrubs that Japan can boast of,
202 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and palm trees, bananas, giant ferns and everything else
beautiful in the way of vegetation.

The palace is one of the oldest in Tokio. It wuz only
one story high, but the rooms wuz beautiful. The fan cham-
ber wuz fifty feet square, the walls covered with fans of every
size and shape and color. The only furniture in this room
wuz two magnificent cabinets of lacquer work and four great,
gorgeous bronze vases.

The tiffen wuz gin by a high official; there wuz fifty
guests. The hour was two in the afternoon. There wuz ten
ladies present—two beautiful Japanese ladies, dressed in the
rich toilette of Japan. The lunch cards wuz little squares of
scarlet paper, with black Japanese writing. Josiah looked at
the card intently and then whispered to me:

“ How be I goin’ to know what I am eatin’ from these
duck tracks?”

But I whispered, ‘‘ Le’s do what the rest do, Josiah, and
we'll come out all right.” :

But we had a dretful scare, for right whilst we wuz par-
takin’ of the choice Japan viands a loud rumblin’ sound wuz
hearn, and I see even as we rushed to the door the timbers
of the ceilin’ part and then come together agin and the great
bronze chandelier swing back and forth. My pardner ketched
hold of my hand and hurried me along on a swift run and
wouldn’t stop runnin’ for some time. I tried to stop him,
for I got out of breath, but he wuz bound to run right back
to Yokohama, thirty miles off. But I convinced him that we
would be no safer there, for you can’t argy with earthquake
shocks and tell when they’re comin’, they are very common
in all parts of Japan. After the first heavy shock there wuz
two lighter ones, and that ended it for that time. But though
we all went back to the table, I can’t say that I took any
great comfort in the tiffen after that.

A blow has fell onto me I wuzn’t prepared for. We
found a number of letters waitin’ for us here at the tarven
that Robert Strong had ordered to be forwarded there. It
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 203

seemed so good, whilst settin’ under a palm tree, seein’ jin-
rikishas go by, and Chinas and Japans, to set and read about
the dear ones in Jonesville, and the old mair and Snip.

The letters wuz full of affection and cheer, and after
readin’ ’em I gathered ’em up and sought my pardner to ex-
change letters with him, as I wuz wont to do, and I see he
had quite a few, but what was my surprise to see that man
sarahuptishushly and with a guilty look try to conceal one
on ’em under his bandanna. And any woman will know
that all his other letters wuz as dross to me compared to the
one he was hidin’. I will pass over my argyments—and—
and words, before that letter lay in my hand. But suffice it
to say, that when at last I read it and all wuz explained to
me, groans and sithes riz from my burdened heart deeper
and despairener than any I had gin vent to in years and years.

And I may as well tell the hull story now, as I spoze
my readers are most as anxious about it as I wuz. Oh, Jo-
siah! How could you done it? How I do hate to tell it!
Must I tell the shameful facts? Oh, Duty! lower thy strong-
est apron strings and let me cling and tell and weep. And
there it had been goin’ on for months and I not mistrustin’
it. But Duty, I will hold hard onto thy strings and tell the
shameful tale.

Josiah owned a old dwellin’ house in the environs of
Jonesville, right acrost from Cap’n Bardeen’s, who rented it
of him to store things in. The town line runs right under
the house, so the sink is in Zoar, and the cupboard always
had stood in Jonesville. But owin’ to Ernest White’s labors
and prayers and votes, his and all other good ministers and
earnest helpers, Jonesville went no-license now jest as Loon-
town did last year.

And jest as Satan always duz if he gits holt of souls that
he can’t buy or skair, he will try to cheat ’em, he is so suttle.
It seems that after we got away that Cap’n Bardeen moved
that cupboard over to the other side of the room into Zoar
204 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and went to sellin’ whiskey out on’t. Awful doin’s! The
minute I read the letter I sez:

“Josiah Allen, do you write this very minute and stop
this wicked, wicked works!” Sez I: ‘‘ No knowin’ how many
Jonesvillians will feel their religion a-wobblin’ and tottlin’
just by your example; naterally they would look up to a
deacon and emulate his example—do you stop it to once!”

“No, Samantha,” sez he, ‘“‘ Cap’n Bardeen and his father
owns more cows than any other Jonesvillians. If I want to be
salesman agin in the Jonesville factory I mustn’t make ’em
mad, and they pay a dretful high rent.”

“T wouldn’t call it rent,” sez I, “ I’d call it blood-money.
I'd run a pirate flag up on the ruff with these words on it,
‘ Josiah Allen, Deacon.’ ”

He wuz agitated and sez, “ Oh, no, Samantha; I wouldn’t
do that for the world, I am so well thought on in the M. E.
meetin’ house.”

“Well, you won’t be well thought on if you do such a
thing as this!” sez I. ‘ Jest think how Ernest White, that
good devoted minister, has labored and prayed for the good
of souls and bodies, and you tryin’ your best to overthrow it
all. How could you do it, Josiah?”

“Well, I may as well tell you, Samantha, I writ to Ury
and kinder left it to him. He knows my ambitions and my
biziness. He knows how handy money is, and he fixed it
all straight and right.”

“Ury!” sez I, “ why should you leave it to Ury? Does
he keep your conscience and clean it off when it gits black
and nasty by such doin’s as this?”

“No, Samantha, I’ve got my conscience all right. I
brought it with me on my tower.”

“Why should you leave it to Ury? He’s your hired man,
he would do as you told him to,” sez I. “ For a Methodist
deacon such acts are demeanin’ and disgustin’ for a pardner
and Jonesville to witness, let alone the country.” And agin
I sez, “ You can stop it in a minute if you want to, and you
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 205

know right from wrong, you know enough to say yes or no
without bringin’ Ury into the scrape; Ury! spozein’ you git
him into it, I can tell you he won’t bear the brunt of it be-
fore the bar of this country or that bar up above. You'll
have to carry the responsibility of all the evil it duz, and it
will be a lastin’ disgrace to you and the hull Methodist meetin-
house if you let it go on.”

Agin he sez, “ Ury fixed it all right.”

“How did Ury fix it?” sez I, in the cold axents of
woman’s skorn and curiosity.”

“Well, Ury said, make Bardeen stop sellin’ whiskey
out of the cupboard, make him sell it out of the chist. There
is a big chist there that Bardeen bought to keep grain in,
sez Ury; let Bardeen move that cupboard acrost the room
back into Jonesville, set the chist up on the sink in Zoar
and sell it out of that. Ury said that in his opinion that
would make it all right, so that a perfessor and a Methodist
deacon could do it with a clear conscience.”

Sez I, “ Do you write to once, Josiah Allen, and tell Bar-
deen to either stop such works, or move right out.”

“Well,” sez he blandly, real bland and polite, “I will
consider it, Samantha, I will give it my consideration.”

“No, no, Josiah Allen, you know right from wrong,
truth from falsehood, honesty from dishonesty, you don’t
want to consider.”

“Yes, I do, Samantha; it is so genteel when a moral
question comes up to wait and consider; it is very fashion-
able.”

“ How long do you lay out to wait, Josiah Allen?” sez I,
coldly.

“Oh, it is fashionable to not give a answer till you’re
obleeged to, but I will consult agin with Ury and probable
along by Fall I can give you my ultimatum.”

“ And whilst you are a considerin’ Bardeen will go on a
sellin’ pizen to destroy all the good that Ernest White, that
206 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

devoted minister of Christ, and all the good men and wim-
men helpers have done and are a doin’.”

“Well,” sez Josiah, “I may as well tell you, you would
probably hear on’t, Ernest White writ me some time ago, and
sent me a long petition signed by most all the ministers and
leadin’ men and wimmen, beggin’ me to stop Bardeen.”

“Well, what did you tell him, Josiah Allen?”

“T told him, Samantha, I would consider it.”

“ And,” sez I, “ have you been all this time, months and
months, a considerin’? ”

“Yes, mom,” sez he, in a polite, genteel tone, “I have.”

“Well, do you stop considerin’ to once, Josiah Allen.”’

“No, Samantha, a pardner can do a good deal, but she
can’t break up a man’s considerin’. It is very genteel and
fashionable, and I shall keep it up.”

I groaned aloud; the more I thought on’t, the worse I
felt. Sez I, “ To think of all the evils that are a flowin’ out
of that place, Josiah, and you could stop it to once if you wuz
a minter.”

“ But,” sez Josiah, “ Ury sez that if it wuzn’t sold there by
Cap’n Bardeen the factory folks would go over into Zoar and
git worse likker sold by low down critters.”

Sez I, “ You might as well say if Christians don’t steal
and murder, it will be done by them of poor moral character.
That is one strong weepon to kill the evil—confine the biz-
ness to the low and vile and show the world that you, a Meth-
odist and a deacon, put the bizness right where it belongs,
with murder and all wickedness, not as you are sayin’ now
by your example, it is right and I will protect it.”

“ Well,” sez Josiah, as sot as a old hen settin’ on a brick
bat, “it is law; Ury has settled it.”

My heart ached so that it seemed to clear my head.
“We'll see,” sez I, “ if it can’t be changed. I'll know before
a week has gone over my head.”’ And I got up and dragged
out the hair trunk, sithin’ so deep that it wuz dretful to hear,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 207

some like the melancholy winter winds howlin’ round a
Jonesville chimbly.

“What are you a goin’ to do, Samantha?” sez Josiah
anxiously.

“Tam goin’ back home,” sez I, “ to-morrer to see about
that law.”

“Alone?” sez he.

“Yes, alone,” sez I, “ alone.”

“Never!” sez Josiah. “ Never will I let my idol go from
Japan to Jonesville unprotected. If you must go and make
a town’s talk from China to Jonesville I'll stand by you.”
And he took down his hat and ombrell.

“What would you do if you went back?” sez I. “I
should think you had done enough as it is; I shall go alone.’

“What! you go and leave all the pleasures of this trip and
go alone? Part from your pardner for months and
months?”

“Yes,” sez I wildly, “and mebby forever. It don’t seem
to me that I can ever live with a man that is doin’ what
you are.” And hot tears dribbled down onto my sheep’s-
head night-caps.

“Oh, Samantha!” sez he, takin’ out his bandanna and
weepin’ in consort, ‘“ what is money or ambition compared
to the idol of my heart? Tll write to Ury to change the law
agin.”

“ Dear Josiah!” sez I, “ I knew, I knew you couldn’t be
so wicked as to continue what you had begun. But can you
do it?” sez I.

Sez he cheerfully, as he see me take out a sheep’s-head
night-cap and shet down the trunk led, “ What man has
done, man can do. If Ury can fix a law once, he can fix it
twice. And he done it for me.” Sez he, “I can repeal! it if
I am a minter, and when I am a minter.” And he got up
and took a sheet of paper and begun to write to repeal that
law. I gently leggo the apron-string dear Duty had lowered
to me; it had held; pure Principle had conquered agin. Oh,
208 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the relief and sweetness of that hour! Sweet is the pink
blush of roses after the cold snows of winter; sweet is rest
after a weary pilgrimage.

Calm and beautiful is the warm ambient air of repose
and affection after a matrimonial blizzard. Josiah wuz better
to me than he had been for over seven weeks, and his Jovin’
demeanor didn’t change for the worse for as many as five
days. But the wicked wrong wuz done away with.

I writ a letter to Ernest White tellin’ him I never knowed
a word about it till that very day, and my companion had re-
pealed the law, and Cap’n Bardeen had got to move out or
stop sellin’ whiskey. He knows how I worship Josiah; he
didn’t expect that I would come out openly and blame him;
no, the bare facts wuz enough.

I ended up the letter with a post scriptum remark. Sez
I: “ Waitstill Webb is sweeter lookin’ than ever and as good
as pure gold, jest as she always wuz, but the climate is
wearin’ on her, and I believe she will be back in Jonesville as
soon as we are, if not before. She is a lovely girl and would
make a Christian minister’s home in Loontown or any other
town a blessed and happy place.”

I thought I wouldn’t dast to do anything more than
to give such a little blind hint. But to resoom. Folks seem
to have a wrong idee about the education of the Japanese.
There are twenty-eight thousand schools in Japan, besides
the private and public kindergartens. There are over three
million native students out of a school population of seven
million. There are sixty-nine thousand teachers, all Japanese,
excepting about two hundred and fifty American, German
and English. Nearly ten million dollars (Japanese) is raised
annually for educational purposes from school fees, taxes,
interest on funds, etc. They have compulsory school laws
just like ours. And not a drunken native did we see whilst
in Japan, and I wish that I could say the same of New York
for the same length of time or Chicago or Jonesville.

And for gentle, polite, amiable manners they go as fur
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 209

ahead of Americans as the leaves of their trees duz, and I’ve
seen leaves there more’n ten feet long. The empire of Japan
consists of three thousand eight hundred islands, from one
eight hundred milds long to them no bigger than a tin pan,
and the population is about forty-three million. I don’t
spoze any nation on earth ever made faster progress than
Japan has in the last thirty years: railways, telegraph postal
system. It seems as if all Japan wanted wuz to find out the
best way of doin’ things, and then she goes right ahead and
duz ’em.

Robert Strong wuz talking about what the word Japan
meant, the Sunrise Land. And he said some real pretty
things about it and so did Dorothy. They wuz dretful took
with the country. Robert Strong has travelled everywhere
and he told me that some portions of Japan wuz more beauti-
ful than any country he had ever seen. We took several
short journeys into the interior to see the home life of the
people, but Robert Strong, who seemed to be by the consent
of all of us the head of our expedition, thought that we had
better not linger very long there as there wuz so many
other countries that we wanted to visit, but ’tennyrate we
decided to start for Calcutta from Hongkong, stopping on
the way at Shanghai.

14
CHAPTER XIX

FHKE wuz a goin’ to stop for a day or two at Shang-
hai and I wuz real glad on’t, for I felt that I
must see the Empress, Si Ann, without any
more delay, and I hearn she wuz there visitin’
some of her folks.

Yes, I felt the widder Hien Fong ort to hear what I had
to say to her with no further delay, I felt it wuz a duty that
I owed toward the nation and Josiah.

The voyage from Yokohama to Shanghai is very inter-
esting, a part of it is through the inland sea, mountains and
valleys on both sides, many islands and large and small
towns all along the shores. Our hull party kep’ well and all
enjoyed all the strange picturesque scenery, most as new to
us as if we wuz on another planet. Yes, I d’no as Jupiter
would look any stranger to us than the country did, or Mars
or Saturn.

We wuz over a day crossin’ the Yaller Sea, well named,
for its water is as yaller as the sands on its shores. I’d hate
to wash white clothes in it. And as we drew near Shanghai
it wuz all alive with Chinese junks full of men, wimmen and
children. The children here on these boats seem to be tied
up with ropes, givin’ em room to crawl round, same as I
have tied up Jonesville hens that wanted to set.

Shanghai means, “ approaching the sea,” and I spoze it
might just as well mean approaching from the sea, as we
did. Old Shanghai is surrounded by a wall and moat and
is entered by six gates, the roads are only ten feet wide and
dirty and bad smellin’, and most of its houses are small,
though there are a few very fine buildings, according to
their style, lots of little piazzas jutting out everywhere with

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 211

the ends turned up, that seems to be their taste; why a ruff
or a piazza straight acrost would have been a boon to my
Jonesville trained eyes. The houses on the principal streets
are used for shops; no winders on the first floor; they are
all open in front during the day and closed by heavy lattice-
work at night.

The favorite carriage here is a wheelbarrow, the wheel
in the centre and a seat on each side. Josiah and I got into
one, he carryin’ Tommy in his lap, but he sez with a groan:

“IT never spozed that I should git down to this, Saman-
tha, to ride in a wheelbarrow. What would Ury say! I
am glad he can’t see it, or Deacon Henzy or any of the
other Jonesville brothers and sistern.”

The furrin suburbs are laid out like a European city,
with broad streets, well lighted and clean. We went on the
Bubbling Well Road, named from a boiling spring a few
miles out. The road is broad and smooth as glass with
beautiful villas along the way; we also passed a great num-
ber of small burying places. They have to bury folks ac-
cording to the rules of Feng Shui. If Feng Shui should
order a burial place in a dooryard it would have to be there.
It rules buildings, customs, laws, everything. I asked a
Chinaman who could talk English what this Feng Shui wuz
that they had to obey it so strictly, and he described it as
being like the wind and water: like wind because you don’t
know where it come from nor when it would go or where;
and like water because you could never know how to grasp
it, it would elude you and slip away and you would have
nothing in your hand to show. Miss Meechim cried out
about the enormity of such a law and laid it to the evil
doin’s of furriners, but Arvilly said that it wuz some like the
laws we had in America, for we found out on inquiry that.
money would most always appease this great Feng Shui and
git it to consent to most anything if it wuz paid enough, just
as it did in America.

Josiah said he had a good mind to set up some such
212 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

thing in Jonesville when he got back, sez he, “I wouldn’t
name it Feng Shui just like this, I might call it Fine Shue or
sunthin’ like that. And jest see, Samantha, how handy it
would be if the meetin’ house went aginst me I would jest
git up and lift up my hand and say, ‘Fine Shue has decided.
It will be as I say.” Or.on ’lection day, if I wuzn’t put up
for office, or when they elect somebody besides me, or at
the cheese factory if they put up another salesman, or on
the beat, if they wanted another pathmaster, I’d jest call on
the Fine Shue and there I’d be. Why, Samantha,” sez he,
gittin’ carried away in his excitement, “I could git to be
President jest as easy as fallin’ off a log if I could make the
Fine Shue work.”

“Yes,” sez I, “ but that is a big if; but do you want to,
Josiah, turn back the wheels of our civilization that are
creaky and jolty enough, heaven knows, back into worse and
more swampy paths than they are runnin’ in now?”

“T dno,” sez Josiah, “ but it would be all right if it wuz
run by a man like me; a Methodist in full standin’, and one
of the most enlightened and Christian men of the times.”

But I lifted my hand in a warnin’ way and sez, “ Stop,
Josiah Allen, to once! such talk is imperialism, and you know
I am sot like a rock aginst that. Imperialism is as much out
of place in a-republic as a angel in a glue factory.”

Well; Iam in hopes that ten thousand milds of travel will
jolt some idees out of his mind.

Being in Shanghai over Sunday, we attended service held
by a missionary. It wuz a beautiful service which we all
enjoyed. The words of this good Christian man in prayer
and ‘praise sounded to our ears as sweet as the sound of
waters in a desert land. Over a hundred wuz present, and
after service the pulpit wuz moved off and several wuz bap-
tized in water jest as they do in America.

The rich and poor seem to live side by side more than
they do in our country, and rich merchants live over their
shops; mebby it is to protect them from the Feng Shui,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH 213

for if that gits on track of a rich man a great part of his
wealth is appropriated by the government; it very often
borrys their money—or what it calls borryin’.

Shanghai wuz the first place where I see men carryin’
fans. When they’re not fannin’ themselves they put the
fan at the back of their neck, for a ornament I guess.

Josiah made a note in his pocket diary: ““ Mem—To git
a fan the day after I git home, to carry it to Jonesville to
meetin’, to fan myself with it on the way there before Elder
Minkley and Brother Henzy. Mem—A red and yaller one.”
But of this fan bizness more anon.

There are not many wimmen in the streets here. The
poorer class of Chinese let their feet grow to the natural
size; it is only the aristocracy who bind up their feet.

But my mission to the Empress wore on me. I felt that
I must not delay seekin’ a augience. And, as it happened,
or no, not happened—it wuz to be—one day whilst Josiah
and Arvilly and Tommy and I wuz walkin’ in a beautiful
garden, the rest of the party bein’ away on another tower
after pleasure and instruction, Josiah and Tommy had gone
to see the fish in a fountain a little ways off, and Arvilly wuz
some distance away, when all of a sudden I heard a by-
stander say in a low, awe-struck voice, ‘‘ There is the Em-
press.”

She wuz walkin’ through the garden with two ladies-
in-waiting, and a elegant carriage wuz goin’ slow a little
ways off, givin’ her a chance for excercise, I spoze. She wuz
dressed in a long, colored silk night-gown—or it wuz shaped
like one—though they wear ’em day times, all embroidered
and glitterin’ with precious stuns. She didn’t have her crown
on—mebby it wuz broke and away to be fixed—but her
hair wuz combed dretful slick and stuck full of jewelled pins
and stars, etc. I knowed her by her picture, and also by
my feelin’s, and I sez to myself, Now is the time for me to
onburden myself of the important mission that had been
layin’ so heavy on my chist. Yes, Duty’s apron strings jest
214 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFR

drawed me right up in front of her, and I advanced, holdin’
out my hand in as friendly a way as if she had come for a
all-day’s visit to me in Jonesville. Her ladies-in-waitin’
kinder fell back, and as I advanced I bowed real low—as
low as I dasted to, for I felt that I wouldn’t have ketched
my feet in the facin’ of my dress and fell down at that time
for a dollar bill. She’s smart; she recognized my lofty
sperit, and her greetin’ wuz considerable cordial, though held
back by her Chinese education.

Sez I, “ Empress Si Ann (I d’no but I ort to call her
Sarah Ann, that’s probable her name docked off by her folks
to pet her. But I thought I wouldn’t meddle with a pet
name; I'd call her Si Ann).

Sez I, “I set out from Jonesville with a important mes-
sage for you, and I’ve bore it over the ocean on a tower and
now I lay it at your feet.”

I here paused to give her a chance to wonder what it
wuz, and get some excited, then I went on, “I felt that I
must see you on my own account and Josiah’s and the na-
tion’s, and tell you not to, oh, not to lay that Piece Confer-
ence to us. I have laid awake nights worryin’ about it, for
fear you’d think that Josiah and I, bein’ prominent Ameri-
cans, had jined in and wuz tryin’ to cut China to pieces. But
we hadn’t a thing to do with it.”

I meant to keep Josiah in the background, knowin’ the
Chinese aversion to mix up the sects in company, but he’d
come back and he had to put in his oar here and sez he,
“No, they couldn’t git me to jine ’*em. I wuz down with
a crick at the time and Samantha had to nuss me. We had
our hands full and we couldn’t have jined ’em anyway,” he
sez.

I wunk at him and stepped on his toe, but nothin’ could
stop him, and he went on, “I wouldn’t have jined ’em any-
way, Miss Hein Fong, I wouldn’t treat a neighbor so.”

“ Neighbor?” sez she wonderin’ly.

“Yes,” sez he, “ you know our land jines on the under
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 215

side. China jines my paster in the middle, though owin’ to
the way our land lays we can’t neighbor much, and,” sez
he, “ you’re enough sight better neighbors than some I’ve
got, your folks are old settlers and have always tended to
their own bizness and kep’ their cattle and hens to hum,
which is more than I can say for all the neighbors whose
land jines mine.”

But I could see that the ladies-in-waitin’ wuz oneasy at
havin’ a man talkin’ to ’em so free and I kinder advanced in
front of him and sez:

“Josiah and I wuz dretful tickled with the idee at first
when we spozed that conference meant real p-e-a-c-e and
tryin’ to bring the most beautiful gift of God and joy of
heaven nigher to earth. Why, it jest riz us right up, we felt
so highly tickled with it. But when we see ’em begin to
spell it p-i-e-c-e, and quarrel over the pieces, why, then we
turned right agin’em. Why, good land! even if it wuz right,
Josiah has got all the land he wants to work and more too,
and as I tell him, what is the use of him or the nation havin’
a great lot of land to stand idle and pay taxes on, and keep
a gang of hired men to watch. Men and nations can git
land poor, I believe.”

I see she liked what I said about the Peace Commission,
but I wuz afraid she didn’t git my idee jest right, so I sez, “I
believe in the first on’t the Zar’s idee come right down from
heaven, filtered into his comprehension mebby through a
woman’s apprehension. But you know how it is, Si Ann, in
the berry lot now if there are bushes hangin’ full of big ones
jest over the fence and somebody else is gittin’ ’em all, you
kinder want to jine in and git some on ’em yourself, though
you may be a perfesser and singin’ a Sam tune at the time,
specially if the fence is broke down that separates you. I
can see how it wuz with that Piece Commission and make
allowances for ‘em, but we didn’t have a thing to do with
it and we don’t want any of the pieces.” My axent carried
conviction with it; I see she looked relieved. She didn’t
216 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

say it right out, but I felt that we hadn’t fell in her estima-
tion, and I went on:

“ And I don’t want you to blame Uncle Sam either, Si
Ann. I believe he will help you all he can, help you in the
right way, too; help you to help yourselves. But your folks
have got to brace up and do their part; Uncle Sam will
neighbor with you if you give him a chance. He’s real
good-hearted, though bein’ so easy and good-natered, he
is deceived lots of times and influenced and led around by
them that want to make money out of him, such as the trusts
and the liquor power. But he stands ready to neighbor with
you, and don’t turn your back on him, Si Ann. Don’t do
anything to get him huffy, for though he hain’t quick to git
mad, he’s got a temper when it’s rousted up.”

She said sunthin’ about Uncle Sam turnin’ her folks out
and not lettin’ ’em step their feet on our sile. I couldn’t
deny it, and it kinder danted me for a minute how I wuz
goin’ to smooth that over, but concluded that as in every
other emergency in life, the plain truth wuz the best, and
I sez in a real amiable voice:

“Si Ann, there is two sides to that jest as there is to
every national and neighborhood quarrel. Uncle Sam hain’t
liked the way your folks have acted with him, and though
I dare presoom to say he’s some to blame, yet I can see
where your folks have missed it. They would flock right
over to our place, crowdin’ our own folks out of house and
home, and expect Uncle Sam to protect ’em, and then they
would jest rake and scrape all they could offen us and go
home to spend their money; wouldn’t even leave one of their
bones in our ground. They didn’t want to become citizens
of the United States, they seemed to kinder want to set
down and stand up at the same time, which hain’t reason-
able if it is done by an American or a Chinee.”

She said sunthin’ about the masses of other foreigners
that Uncle Sam allowed to crowd into our country.

“Well,” sez I, “they’re willin’ to become citizens, the
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 217

German and English and Irish and Russian and Italian ba-
bies grow up Americans. But it wuzn’t so with your folks,
Si Ann. From the children’s little pig-tails down to their
little wooden shues they wuz clear China, soaked in, dyed in
the wool, born so, and as long as their bones hung together
and afterwards, clear China. They kep’ themselves jest as
fur from American institutions and beliefs as ile stays away
from water and wouldn’t mix any more. Their bodies stayed
on our shores whilst they could make money out of us.
But their souls and minds wuz jest as fur removed from our
institutions and constitutions as if they wuz settin’ in Jupiter
with their legs hangin’ off. It wuz galdin’ to Uncle Sam
and finally he had to stop it. But he didn’t do it out of
meanness. He jest had to, for of course you know your own
folks come first.”

And thinkin’ mebby I’d been too hash describin’ her
folks I went on, “I spoze mebby that high stun wall of
yourn has kinder stiffened and hardened the nature of your
folks and made it harder for em to change. But you’re
on the right track now, Si Ann, you have begun to break
down that big wall, you’ve begun to be more neighborly.
And don’t you ever crouch down and hide behind that great
stun wall agin; you jest keep right on bein’ neighborly and
Uncle Sam will help you.’

Si Ann looked real good and as if she took every word
I said in good part; bein’ naterally so smart she would recog-
nize the onselfishness and nobility of my mission, but I see
that there wuz a real pert look on one of the ladies’ faces
as she said sunthin’ to one of the other ones, and I mis-
trusted that they didn’t like what I had said about that wall
of theirn, and I went on to say to Si Ann:

“ Of course you may say that a nation or a woman has
a right to do as they’ve a mind to, but common sense must
be used if you are goin’ to enjoy yourself much in this
world. Now, we had a neighbor in Jonesville that sot out
in married life determined not to borrow or lend, dretful ex-
218 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

clusive, jest built a high wall of separation round herself
and family. But after tryin’ it for a year or so she wuz glad
to give it up, and many is the cup of tea and sugar I’ve lent
her since, and she borries and lends her washtub now or biler,
or settin’ hens, or anythin’, And she sez that she and her
family takes as much agin’ comfort now and are doin’ as
well agin’, for of course the neighbors didn’t set so much
store by ’em as they did when their ports wuz open, as you
may say, and they wuz more neighborly.”

I could see by Si Ann’s face that she not only enjoyed
all I said, but believed a good share on’t, and bein’ such a
case for justice, I felt that I ort to let her know I realized our
own nation’s short-comin’s, as well as hern. Sez I, “I hain’t
got a word to say to you, Si Ann, about the different castes
in your country, when the wimmen in my own land build
up a wall between themselves and their kitchen helpers higher
than the highest peak of your stun wall and harder to git
over, and I don’t want to say a word about your folks bindin’
down their children’s feet to make ’em small as long as
our own females pinch down their waists till they’re in per-
fect agony and ten times as bad as to pinch their feet, for
the life, the vital organs don’t lay in the feet, or hain’t spozed
to, and so it don’t hurt ’em half so much to be tortured.
And as long as they drag round yards of silk and velvet
through the streets to rake up filth and disease to carry
home and endanger their own lives and their families; no, as
long as our females do all this I hain’t nothin’ to say about
your dress and customs here, nor I hain’t a goin’ to cast
reflections agin you about your men wearin’ night gowns
and braidin’ their hair down their backs. Good land, Si Ann!
you and I know what men be. We are married wimmen
and seen trouble. You couldn’t stop ’em if you tried
to. If Josiah Allen took it into his head to braid
his hair down his back, I should have to let it go on
unless I broke it up sarahuptishly by cuttin’ it off when he
wuz asleep, but thank fortin’ he hain’t got enough so that.
 

I withdrawed him, bowin’ very low and smilin’ at her.—Page 219.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 219

the braid would be bigger than a pipe stale anyway if he
should let it grow out, and he is so dressy he wouldn’t like
that. But I’ve tried to break up his wearin’ such gay neck-
ties for years and years, and if he should go out and buy
one to-day it would most likely be red and yaller.”

I felt that China hadn’t been used exactly right; I
knowed it. Younger nations—new-comers, as you may say
—had made light on her and abused her, usin’ the very
type the Chinese had invented to say they didn’t know any-
thing and usin’ the gunpowder they had invented to blow
?em up with. I had felt that the Powers hadn’t treated ’em
well, and I had made up my mind some time ago that when
I see the Powers I should tell ’em what I thought on’t. Then
there wuz the opium trade—a burnin’ shame! I wanted to
sympathize with her about that, but thought mebby it wuz
best to not harrer up her feelin’s any more, so I sez in a real
polite way:

“T have nothin’ further to say now, Si Ann, only to bid
you adoo and to tell you that if you ever come to Jonesville
be sure and come and see me; I'll be proud and happy to
have you.”

Here Josiah had to put in his note: “ Good-by, Widder!”
sez he. If I had had time I would have tutored him; he
spoke just as he would to widder Gowdey. I wanted him
to act more courtly and formal, but it wuz too late, it wuz
spoke. ‘“‘ Good-by, Widder; we'll have to be a-goin’, We've
had quite a spell of weather, but it looks some like rain now,
and I have a important engagement to-night, and we’ll have
to be gittin’ hum.”

But I gently withdrawed him, bowin’ very low myself
and lookin’ dretful smilin’ at her.

Like all great monarchs, she wanted to make her visitors
a present, and she proposed to send us several drawin’s of tea
of the kind she used, and a little hunk of opium, though, as
I told her, I should never use it in the world only to smoke in
a pipe for the toothache; and she also proposed to send us
220 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

a china sugar-bowl and a piece of the Chinee wall, which
last I told her I should value high as a sign that the old
things wuz passin’ away and better days comin’.

And then I made some more real low bows and Josiah
did, bein’ wunk at by me, and we withdrawed ourselves from
the Presence. But Josiah, always overdoin’ things, takin’
out his bandanna and a-wavin’ it towards her as he bowed
most to the ground. But what wuz my surprise as we walked
away kinder backward, Josiah mutterin’ to me that he should
fall flat if he backed off much furder! What wuz my horrow
to see Arvilly advance with a copy of her books and present
‘em to the Empress. One of the ladies-in-waiting, who
seemed to talk English quite considerable, looked at the
books and read their titles to her Majesty, who immediately
signified her desire to purchase ’em, and before she left the
group Arvilly had sold three copies of the “ Twin Crimes”
and two of the “ Wild and Warlike.”

Poor Empress! Poor Si Ann! Well might she treasure
the last-named book, “ The Wild, Wicked and Warlike
Deeds of Men.” Poor thing! I am afraid she will sce plenty
of it herself. Them Powers, sometimes, when they git to
goin’, act like the Old Harry.
CHAPTER. 22

   

HE engagement my pardner had spoke on wuz
y to meet a Chinaman that wuz comin’ to see
Robert Strong that evenin’. Robert had met

otC him in California, and Josiah seemed dretful
DIANE anxious to git home so i to dress up for his
reception. And I sez, “ There is time enough; I shouldn’t
think it would take you more than two hours to wash your
hands and change your neck-tie.”

“Well,” sez he, in a evasive way, ‘‘ I—I don’t want to be
scrimped for time.”

So, as Tommy and I wanted to stop along on the way,
he left us and went home. Robert had told us a good deal
about this man, Mr. Hi-wal-hum; about his wealth and high
official standing, and Josiah had been talkin’ more or less
about him all day; he looked forrered to it. He had said
to me: “‘ Samantha, this man is a Potentate, and it stands us
in hand to be polite always to Potentates.”

Well, I couldn’t dispute him nor didn’t want to. When
we arriv home I thought I would have jest about time to go to
my room and wash my face and hands and put on a clean
collar and cuffs and change Tommy’s clothes. Tommy went
on a little ahead of me, and I see him bend down and stretch
his little neck forrered and look through the door as if he
wuz agast at some sight. And as I come up he put his little
fingers on his lips, as I spoze he’d seen me do, and whispered:
“ Keep still, Grandma; I don’t know what Grandpa is doin’.”

T looked over his shoulder and thought to myself I should
think as much, I should think he wouldn’t know. There
stood Josiah Allen before the glass and of all the sights I
ever see his dress went ahead. He had got on a red woolen

  
 
 

   
    

2 Na
I ry it WA
NOS (0) A

   

 
  
222 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

underskirt and his dressin’ gown over it kinder floated back
from it, and he had took out of my trunk a switch of hair
that Tirzah Ann had put in, thinkin’ mebby I would want
to dress my head different in foreign countries; I hadn’t
wore it at all, and it wuz clear in the bottom of my trunk,
but he had got at it somehow and had fastened it onto his
head, and it hung down his back and ended with a big broad,
red ribbin bow; it was one of Tommy’s neck-ties. And he’d
got all my jewelry—every mite on’t—and had fastened it
onto him on different places, and all of Tommy’s ribbins to
tie his collar with, wuz made into bows and pinned onto him,
and my C. E. badge and W. C. T. U. bow of white ribbin,
and he had got my big palm leaf fan and had tied a big, red
bow on’t, and he wuz standin’ before the glass fannin’ him-
self and cranin’ his neck one way and tother to see how he
looked and admire himself, I spoze. And anon he tried to
put the fan over his right ear. The idee! a palm leaf fan
that wouldn’t shet. And he spoke out to himself:

“No, I can’t do that, but I can be fannin’ myself, all the
time fannin’ and bowin’.” And then he stepped forrerd to-
wards the glass and made a bow so low that his switch
flopped over and ketched on the rocker of a chair and he
couldn’t move either way without jerkin’ his braid off.

“Goodness gracious!”’ I hearn him say, “I never yet
tried to be genteel without its being broke up some way,”
and he gin a jerk and left his switch on the floor. He took
it up tenderly and smoothed it out and wuz tryin’ to attach
it to his head agin. It wuz fastened on by a red ribbin
comin’ up over his head and tied on top. But at that minute
he ketched sight of me and he looked some meachin’, but he
begun immegiately pourin’ our profuse reasons for his cos-
toom and manners.

Sez he, “ You know, Robert wants us to meet that high
official, and I felt that it would help our relations with China
if I should dress up China fashion.”

Sez I, “ It will help one of your relations if you'll take off
AROUND THRE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFR 223

that red petticoat of hern, and ribbins and cameos and badges
and things.”

Sez he, “I am doin’ this for political reasons, Samantha,
and can’t be hampered by domestic reasons and ignorance.”
And he kep’ on tyin’ the bow on his foretop.

Sez I, “ For the sake of your children and grandchildren
won’t you desist and not put ’em to shame and make a laugh-
in’ stock of yourself before Miss Meechim and Arvilly and
all the rest?”

“T shall do my duty, Samantha,” sez he, and he pulled
out the ribbin of the bow, so that it sot out some like a
turban over his forward. “ Of course I look very dressy
and pretty in this costoom, but that is not my reason for
wearin’ it; you and Arvilly are always talking about political
men who don’t come up to the mark and do their duty by
their constituents. I am a very influential man, Samantha,
and there is no tellin’ how much good I shall do my coun-
try this day, and the sneers of the multitude shall not deter
me.”

Sez I, almost fearfully, ‘‘ Think of the meetin’ house,
Josiah, where you’re a deacon and looked up to; what will
they say to hear of this, passin’ yourself off for a Chinaman;
dressin’ up in petticoats and red ribbins! ”

Sez he, cranin’ his neck round to see the bow hangin’
down his back, ‘“ Our old forefathers went through worse
trials than this when they eat their cartridge boxes and friz
themselves at Valley Forge,” and he fingered some of them
bows and ornaments on his breast agin with a vain, con-
ceited smirk of satisfaction. I wuz at my wits’ end; I glanced
at the door; there wuz no lock on it; what should I do?
Religion and common sense wouldn’t move him, and as for
my sharpest weepon—good vittles—here I wuz hampered,
I couldn’t cook ’em for him, what could I do?

Sez he agin, “I only do this for patriotism; I sacrifice
myself on the altar of my country,” and he fanned himself
gracefully, lookin’ sarahuptishly into the glass.
224 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“Well,” sez I, growin’ calm as I thought of a forlorn
hope, “ mebby it is best, Josiah, and I hain’t a-goin’ to be
outdone by you in patriotism. I toc will sacrifice myself.”
And I proceeded to comb my hair with a firm look on my
face. He looked alarmed.

“What do you mean, Samantha?” sez he.

“T won't let you go ahead of me in sacrificing yourself,
Josiah. No, I will go fur ahead of what you or anybody
else would do; it will most probable kill me, but I shall not
falter.”

“What is it, Samantha?” sez he, droppin’ the fan and
approachin’ me with agitated mean. “ What are you goin’
to do? If it is to throw yourself in front of any idol and
perish, I will save you if I shed the last drop of blood in my
system!”

“Yes,” sez I, “ you could do great bizness in savin’ me,
togged out as you are, made helpless by your own folly; but,”
sez I, ina holler, awful axent, “it hain’t that, Josiah; it is fur
worse than losin’ my life; that wouldn’t be nothin’ in com-
parison.”

He looked white as a piller case. Sez he: ‘“ Tell me to
once what you lay out to do.”

“Well,” sez I, “if you must know, I spoze that it might
help our relations with China if I should part with you and
wed a China potentate. It would kill me and be bad for
the potentate, but if your country’s welfare is at stake, if it
would help our relations I fe

“Let the relations go to Jericho, Samantha! every one
on ’em, and the Potentates! every one on ’em!” and he
kicked off them robes quicker than I can tell the tale.

Sez I, “ Josiah, you needn’t tear every rag you’ve got on;
take ’em off quietly.” He’d put ’em on over his own clothes.
He obeyed me implicitly, and sez he anxiously, as he laid ’em
all on the bed:

“You've gin up the idee, hain’t you, Samantha? ”’

Sez I, “I have for the present, Josiah, I wuz only doin’

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 225

it to emulate your sacrifice; if you don’t sacrifice yourself
any further, I shan’t.”

He hadn’t been so good to me for sometime as he wuz
for the rest of that day. I only done it to stop his display,
and my conscience hain’t been quite at rest ever sence about
it, but then a woman has to work headwork ‘to keep her
pardner within bounds. I wuzn’t goin’ to have him make
a fool of himself before Arvilly and Miss Meechim. Arvilly
would never let him hearn the end on’t nor me nuther.

Well, we met the potentate in our own clothes and he
met us in his own clothes, jest as he and we had a right to.
He wuz a real sensible man, so Robert Strong said, and he
understood a good deal of his talk and ort to know.

Well, from Shanghai we sailed for Hongkong and then
embarked for Point de Galle on the island of Ceylon, ex-
pectin’ to stop on the way at Saigon in Cochin-China and
Singapore.

It wuz dretful windy and onpleasant at first. It is much
pleasanter to read about a monsoon in Jonesville with your
feet on a base burner than to experience one on a steamer.
Everything swayed and tipped and swung, that could, even
to our stomachs. We only made a short stop at Saigon—
a hotter place I wuz never in. I thought of the oven in our
kitchen range and felt that if Philury wuz bakin’ bread and
meat and beans and got into the oven to turn ’em, she knew
a little about the climate we wuz enjoying.

As we ascended the river our ship got a little too near the
shore and kinder run its prow into a jungle where the mon-
keys hung from the tree-tops and made fun of us, I spoze,
mad at our invadin’ their domain and wanted us to pay, ’ten-
nyrate the muskeeters sent in their bills, sharp ones. Saigon
is a pretty place set in its tropical scenery; it has eighty or
ninety thousand inhabitants and belongs to France. The
natives are small and slower than time in the primer.

Singapore is an island in the straits of Malacca and is
twenty-four milds long. and fourteen wide; it is a British

15
226 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

province ruled by native princes under the Queen. Here
the days and nights are of equal length and it rains about
every day; it has a mixed population, Chinamen, Malays,
Europeans and a few Americans, mebby a hundred thousand
in all.

We didn’t stay long here, but rode out in what they called
a Jherry lookin’ like a dry goods box drawed by a couple of
ponies,

Josiah sez to me, “I am glad that the Malay coolers wear
a little more than the Japans.” And the coolies here did
wear besides their red loin cloth a narrer strip of white cot-
ton cloth hangin’ over their left shoulders. Our hotel wuz
a very comfortable one; it consisted of several buildin’s two
stories high connected by covered halls; it wuz surrounded
by handsome trees and beautiful ornamental shrubbery and
flowers.

The wide verandas wuz very pleasant, with their bamboo
chairs and couches and little tables where you could have tea
served. Birds of the most beautiful plumage soared and
sung in the trees, and butterflies that looked like flowers on
wings fluttered about. You can’t tell men from wimmen
by their clothes. They all wear earrings and bracelets and
nose-rings. Josiah sez to me:

“T have always said, Samantha, that men didn’t dress
gay enough; a few bracelets and breastpins and earrings
would add to a man’s looks dretfully, and I mean to set the
fashion in Jonesville. It would take ten years offen my age.
Jest see how proud the men walk; they feel that they’re
dressed up; it gives ’em a lofty look.”

The men did seem to have a different gait from the fe-
males; the wimmen looked more meek and meachin. We
didn’t stay long in Saigon, but we visited the Whampoo
garders and found that they were perfectly beautiful, made
by Mr. Whampoo, a rich Chinaman. There wuz fifty acres
under most perfect cultivation. Here the Chinese fad of
dwarfing and training trees wuz carried to perfection; there
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 227

wuz trees trained into all sorts of shapes. One wuz a cov-
ered carriage about three feet high, with a horse, all tree, but
natural as life; and then there wuz pagodas and men and
wimmen and animals and birds all growin’ and havin’ to be
trimmed by the patient Chinese gardener. The tree they
can use best is a evergreen with a little leaf and a white
flower not much bigger than the head of a pin. But there
wuz not only every tropical tree you could think on, palm,
cocoanut, nutmeg, cinnamon, tea, coffee, and clove bush, but
trees and plants from every part of the world, some from
America.

Here wuz a Victoria lily in its full beauty, the dark green
leaves edged with brown and red, as big round as our wash-
tub, and turned up on the edges about two inches. Each
plant has one leaf and one flower. And we see the most
lovely orchids here; Dorothy thought them the most beauti-
ful of all. Well, in a day or two we sot out for Ceylon’s isle.

As we drew nigh to Ceylon I sez to Josiah: “ Did you
ever expect, Josiah Allen, to feel

“* The balmy breezes
That blow from Ceylon’s Isle
Where every prospect pleases,
And only man is vile?’ ”

And he sez, holdin’ on his hat, “I shouldn’t call these
breezes very bammy, and you no need to lay such a powerful
stress on man, Samantha, that term, man, means wimmen
too in this case.”

“Ves,” sez Arvilly, who wuz standin’ nigh, “that term,
man, always includes wimmen when there is any blame or
penalty attached, but when it sez ‘Man is born free and
equal,’ it means men alone.”

“Yes,” sez Josiah, smilin’ real pleasant, “ you’ve hap-
pened to hit it jest right, Arvilly.”

“ Well,” sez I, “do look and enjoy the beauty that is
228 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

spread out right before you.” Our good ship made its way
into the harbor of Colombo, through a multitude of boats
with men of every color and size at their oars and all gesticu-
lating and jabbering in axents as strange to us as Jupiter
talk would be. Some of the boats wuz queer lookin’ ; they are
called dugouts, and have outriggers for the crew to set on.
They carry fruit and provision to the steamers in the bay,
and take passengers to and fro.

Bein’ took by one to terry firmy, we soon made our way
through the chatterin’ strange lookin’ crowd of every color
and costoom to a tarven where we obtained food and needed
rest, and the next mornin’ we sallied out some as we would
if we had jest landed on the shores of another planet to ex-
plore a new world.

We walked through the streets by big gardens that seemed
jest ablaze with color and swoonin’ with perfume. The low
white houses wuz banked up with drifts of blossom and ver-
dure as the Jonesville houses wuz with snow drifts on a win-
ter day. Sweet voiced birds in gayest plumage swung and
soared aloft instead of the ice-suckles that hung from the
eaves of Jonesville houses. And instead of Ury clad in a
buffalo coat and striped wool mittens walking with icy whis-
kers and frost-bitten ears to break the ice in the creek, wuz
the gay crowd of men, wimmen and children dressed in all
the rich colors of the rainbow, if they wuz dressed at all.
Solid purple, yellow, green, burnin’ colors palpitating with
light and cheer under the warm breezes and glowin’ sun-
shine.

Sometimes the children wuz in jest the state that Adam
and Eve wuz when they wuz finished off and pronounced
good. Sometimes a string and a red rag comprised their
toilette, but they all seemed a part of the strange picture,
the queer, mysterious, onknown Orient. The gorgeous col-
orin’ of the men’s apparel struck Josiah to the heart agin; he
vowed that he would show Jonesville the way for men to dress
if he ever got home agin. Sez he, “I will show Deacon
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 229

Henzy and Uncle Sime Bentley that a man can wear sun-
thin’ besides that everlastin’ black or gray.” Sez he:

“T can dress gay with small expense; I can take one of
your white woolen sheets and color it with diamond dye a
bright red or a green or yeller at a outlay of ten cents per
sheet, and one of my bandannas will make a crackin’ good
turban. Let me walk into the Jonesville meetin’ house with
that gorgeous drapery wropped round me, why I should be
the lion of the day.”

“Yes,” sez I, ““ you would break up the congregation as
quick as a real lion would.”

“Well, Pll tell you, Samantha, there is beauty in such a
costoom that our sombry coats and pantaloons and vests
can’t come nigh to.”

I spoze Ceylon is the most beautiful place in the world,
such glow and richness of color, such aboundin’ life in the
verdure, in the animal and vegetable kingdom. No wonder
so many think it wuz the original Garden of Eden; no shov-
elin’ snow for Adam or bankin’ up fruits and vegetables for
winter’s use. No, he could step out barefoot in the warm
velvety grass in December, and pick oranges and gather
sweet potatoes and cucumbers, and strawberries if Eve took
it into her head she wanted a shortcake pie. And little Cain
could cut up cane literally, and every way, in January, and
Abel pile flowers and fruit on his altar all the year round.
But I wonder which of their descendants built these im-
mense magnificent cities layin’ fur below forests and billows
of turf and flowers.

I wonder how they looked and what language they spoke
and what their politics wuz. Arvilly thought they must
have been temperance folks. Sez she, “Any city that has
reservoirs twenty milds long believed in drinkin’ water.”
We had took a tower to see one of them dug up cities, and
sure enough the water reservoir wuz twenty milds long:
jest think from that what the size of the hull city must have
been, when their waterin’ trough, as you may say, wuz as
230 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

long as America’s biggest city. Stately stairways, up which
twenty carriages big as our democrat could pass side by side
if horses could climb stairs.

A row of tall pillers, ten milds in length, line the roads to
some of them cities, and I sez:

“Oh, good land! How I wish I could be a mouse in the
wall and see who and what passed over them roads, and why,
and when, and where.”

And Josiah sez, “ Why don’t you say you wish you wuz
a elephant and could look on? your simely would seem
sounder.”

And I sez, ‘‘ Mebby so, for hull rows of carved marble
elephants stand along them broad roads; I guess they wor-
shipped ’em.”

And he sez, “ I wuz alludin’ to size.”

Robert Strong looked ruther sad as we looked on them
ruins buried so deep by the shovel of time. But I sez to him
in a low voice:

“There is no danger of the city you’re a-rarin’ up ever
bein’ engulfed and lost, for justice and mercy and love shine
jest as bright to-day as when the earth was called out of
chaos. Love is eternal, immortal, and though worlds reel
and skies fall, what is immortal cannot perish.”

He looked real grateful at me; he sets store by me.

Everywhere, as you walk through the streets, you are im-
portuned to buy sunthin’; some of the finest jewels in the
world are bought here. The merchants are dretful polite,
bowin’ and smilin’, their hair combed back slick and fastened
up with shell combs. They wear white, short pantaloons and
long frocks of colored silk, open in front over a red waist-
coat; sometimes they are bare-footed with rings on their
toes; they wear rings in their nose and sometimes two on
each ear, at the top and bottom.

Josiah studied their costoom with happy interest, but a
deep shade of anxiety darkened his mean as they would
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 231

spread out their wares before me, and he sez with a axent of
tender interest :

“Tf you knew, Samantha, how much more beautiful you
looked to me in your cameo pin you would never think of
appearin’ in diamonds and rubies.”

I sez, “I guess I won’t buy any nose-rings, Josiah, my
nose is pretty big anyway.”

“Yes,” he interrupted me eagerly, “they wouldn’t be
becomin’, Samantha, and be in the way eatin’ sweet corn
on the ear and such.”

There are lots of men carryin’ round serpents, and I sez
to Josiah, ‘Who under the sun would want to buy a snake
unless they wuz crazy?”

“Yes,” said Josiah, “ Eve made a big mistake listenin’
to that serpent; there probable wuzn’t but one then, and
that’s the way they have jest overrun the garden, her payin’
attention and listenin’ to it. Females can’t seem to look
ahead.”

And I sez, “ Why didn’t Adam do as you always do,
Josiah, ketch up a stick and put an end toit?” I always hol-
ler to Josiah if I see a snake and he makes way with it.

But such talk is onprofitable. But Josiah hadn’t a doubt
but this was the Garden of Eden and talked fluent about it.

One odd thing here in Ceylon is that foxes have wings
and can fly. Josiah wanted to get one the worse way; he
said that he would willin’ly carry it home in his arms for the
sake of havin’ it fly round over Jonesville, and sez he, ‘‘ They
are so smart, Samantha, they will git drunk jest as naterally
as men do, they would feel to home in America.” And they
say they do steal palm wine out of bowls set to ketch it by
the natives and are found under the trees too drunk to git
home, not havin’ wives or children willin’ to lead ’em home, I
spoze, or accomidatin’ policemen.

But I sez, ‘ Don’t you try to git the animals in America
to drinkin’, Josiah Allen.” Sez I, “I should be mortified to
death to see the old mair or Snip staggerin’ round as men
232 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

do, lookin’ maudlin and silly; I should despise the idee of
lowerin’ the animals down to that state.”

“Well, well, I don’t spoze I can git one of these foxes
anyway, though I might,” sez he dreamily, “ git one real
drunk and carry it.” But I guess he’ll gin it up.

The jungles all round us wuz, I spoze, filled with wild
animals. Elephants, tigers and serpents, big and little, be-
sides monkeys and more harmless ones. The snake charmers
did dretful strange things with ’em, but I didn’t look on. I
always said that if snakes would let me alone, I would let
them alone. But they brought all sorts of things to sell:
embroideries of all kinds, carved ivory, tortoise shell and all
kinds of jewels. Paris and London gits some of their finest
jewels here.

Men and wimmen are all bejewelled from head to foot,
children up to ten years of age are almost always naked, but
wearin’ bracelets, anklets and silver belts round their little
brown bodies, sometimes with bells attached. Some of the
poorer natives chew beetle nuts which make their teeth look
some like an old tobacco chewer’s. They eat in common out
of a large bow! and I spoze they don’t use napkins or finger
bowls. But unlike the poor in our frozen winter cities, as
Arvilly said, there is little danger of their starving; warm
they will be from year’s end to year’s end, and the bread tree
and cocoanut palm supply food, and the traveller’s palm sup-
plies a cool, delicious drink. There is one palm tree here—
the talipot—that blooms when about forty years old with a
loud noise and immegiately dies. Arvilly said that they made
her think of some political candidates.

Dorothy and Robert Strong and Miss Meechim wanted
to go to Kandy, the capital of Ceylon, only seventy milds
away, to see the tooth of Boodha. Miss Meechim said she
wanted to weep over it. She is kinder romantic in spots,
and Josiah hearn her and said, soty vosey, to me, “ You won’t
ketch me weepin’ over any tooth unless it is achin’ like the
Old Harry.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH 233

But I kinder wanted to see the tooth. I had hearn
Thomas J. read a good deal about Prince Siddartha, Lord
Buddha, and how he wuz “right gentle, though so wise,
princely of mean, yet softly mannered, modest, deferent and
tender hearted, though of fearless blood,’ and how he re-
nounced throne and wealth and love for his people, to “ seek
deliverance and the unknown light.”

I had always pictured him as looking more beautiful than
any other mortal man, but of this more anon.

Josiah and Arvilly concluded to go too; it wuz only a
four hours’ ride. We passed coffee plantations, immense
gardens and forests full of ebony trees, the strange banion
tree that seems to walk off all round itself and plant its great
feet solidly in the earth, and then step off agin, makin’ a
hull forest of itself, and satin wood trees, and India rubber,
bamboo, balsam, bread fruit, pepper and cinchony or quinine
bushes, tea and rice plantations. Our road led up the moun-
tain side and anon the city of Kandy could be seen sot down
in a sort of a valley on the mountain. We had our dinner
at the Queen’s Hotel, and from there sallied out to see the
sights. Not fur from the hotel wuz a artificial lake three
milds round, built by some king. His very name is for-
gotten, whilst the water of this little lake he dug out splashes
up on the shore jest as fresh as ever. All round the lake
is a beautiful driveway, where all sorts of vehicles wuz seen.
Big barouches full of English people, down to a little two-
wheeled cart drawed by one ox. Crowds of people, jewels,
bright color, anon a poor woman carrying her baby astride
her hip, men, wimmen, children, a brilliant, movin’ panorama.

The tooth of Buddha is kep’ in a temple called Maligawa,
or Temple of the Tooth, and I laid out to have a considerable
number of emotions as I stood before it. But imagine a
tooth bigger than a hull tooth brush! What kind of a mouth
must Lord Buddha have had if that wuz a sample of his
teeth? Why, his mouth, at the least calculation, must have
been as big as a ten-quart pan! Where wuz the beauty and
234 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

charm of that countenance—that mouth that had spoke such
wise words?

I don’t believe it wuz his tooth. I hain’t no idee it wuz.
No human bein’ ever had a mouth big enough to hold thirty
odd monsters like that, let alone this noble prince, “ with
godlike face and eyes enwrapped, lost in care for them he
knew not, save as fellow lives.” There is a mistake some-
where. There wuz lots of natives round worshippin’ it. But
I felt that if Prince Siddartha could speak out of Nirvana
he would say:

“ Don’t worship that tooth, Josiah Allen’s wife; it hain’t
mine nor never wuz; but worship the principles of love and
compassion and self-sacrifice I tried to teach to my people.”
And almost instinctively I sez, “I will, Prince.Siddartha, I
will.”

And Josiah sez: “ What say, Samantha?”’ And I sez:

“ Let’s go out, Josiah, and see the sacred tree, Bo, that
they worship.”

“Tl go,” sez Josiah, “ but you won’t git me to worship
no tree, I can tell you that. I’ve cleared off too many acres
and chopped and sawed too much cord wood to worship a
tree.”

“ Did I ask you to, Josiah?” sez I. “ It would break my
heart to see you bend your knee to any idol. But this is
the oldest tree in the world; it is over two thousand years
old.”

“Wall, it ort to be cut down, Samantha, if it is that age;
it is seasoned and would make crackin’ good lumber.”

Oh, how oncongenial Josiah Allen is by spells; he seemed
to be quite a distance off from me as he made them remarks.
But Robert Strong and Dorothy shared my feelin’s of rever-
ence for a tree whose mighty branches might have shaded
the head of our Lord and whose leaves might have rustled
with the wind that swept the brow of Napoleon and Cesar
and Pharo for all I knew. There wuz some natives burnin’
camphor flowers before it and some on ’em had hung up
 

He wuz tied into an arm-chair and swung off by ropes. —Page 235.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 235

little lamps in its branches. They say that one hundred
thousand pilgrims visit it each year. Well, we driv round
some, seein’ all the strange, picturesque sights; past tea
plantations and a tea factory, the botanical gardens where we
driv milds through its beautiful tree shaded avenoos; there
are twenty-five thousand kinds of plants here in this garden;
some say it is the finest collection in the world. And we
driv past some of the native dwellings, and some beautiful
villas where Europeans live durin’ the warm season, past the
library, a beautiful building standing on pillars on the shores
of the lake, and by the Governor’s palace, handsome enough
for any king and queen, and we got back to Colombo mid-
dlin’ late and tired out. But as tired as Josiah wuz he talked
considerable to me about “ Bud,” as familiar as if he wuz well
acquainted with him, but I sez, “ You mean B-u-d-d-h, Jo-
siah.” But I thought to myself as the Chinese have five
thousand different names for him one more wouldn’t neither
make nor break him.

Well, the next day we embarked for’ Calcutta. Our
steamer stopped two milds off from Madras. The wind was
so high we couldn’t get any nearer. None of our party went
ashore but Robert Strong. He wuz tied into an arm-chair
and swung off by ropes down into.a little boat that wuz
dashin’ up and down fur below.

I wouldn’t done it fur a dollar bill. The surf boats are
deep, made of bark and bamboo, shaped some like our In-
dian canoes. But no matter how much the winds blew or
the boats rocked, lots of native peddlers come aboard to
sell jewelry, fans, dress stuffs; and snake charmers come, and
fakirs, doin’ their strange tricks, that I d’no how they do,
nor Josiah don’t.

Madras has more than half a million inhabitants, and it
looked well from the steamer: handsome villas, beautiful
tropical trees, and hull forests of cactus ablaze with their
gorgeous blossoms. It bein’ Sunday whilst on our way from
Madras to Calcutta the captain read service, and afterwards
236 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

made his Sunday inspection of the crew. The sailors and
cooks wuz Hindus, the stewards English and Scotch. The
crew had on short white trousers, long white jackets and
white caps, all on “em wuz barefooted.

We sailed acrost the Bay of Bengal, where I spoze Bengal
tigers wuz hidin’ in the adjacent jungles, though we didn’t
meet any and didn’t want to. And so on to the Hoogly
River; one of the mouths of the Ganges, and on to Calcutta.

Calcutta is over four thousand milds from Hongkong.
And oh, my heart! how fur! how fur from Jonesville. Most
fourteen thousand milds from our own vine and apple trees
and the children. It made my head turn round so that I
tried to furgit it.
CHAPTER XXI

  

EY W22AS we approached Calcutta we seemed to be

ey fi ( travellin’ through big gardens more beautiful

i, a a than our own country can boast of; rich,

strange, tropical trees and shrubs and flowers

grew luxuriant around the pleasant villas. The

English district with its white two-story houses made me

think some of an American village. We went to the Great

Eastern Hotel, right opposite the gardens of the Viceroy’s
palace.

We had pleasant rooms that would have been pretty hot,
but great fans are swung up in our room and the hired help
swing ‘em by a rope that goes out into the hall. It beats
all how much help there is here, the halls seemed full on ’em,
but what would our hired help say if we made ’em dress like
these Hindus? They wear short pantaloons that don’t come
down to their knees and then they wind a long strip of white
cloth round their thighs and fasten it round their waist, leavin’
their right shoulder and arm bare naked. An American
family of four livin’ in Calcutta have thirty servants, ten
of ’em pullin’ at these punkeys or fans. They don’t eat in
the house of their employer; but in a cabin outside.

There is a long, beautiful street called The Strand, shaded
by banyan and palm trees; on one side on’t is the park so
lovely that it is called the Garden of Eden, full of beautiful
trees, shrubs and flowers, pagodas, little temples and shrines.
Josiah and I and Tommy went there in the evenin’ and hearn
beautiful music. Josiah wanted to ride in a palanquin. It
is a long black box and looks some like a hearse. I hated
to see him get in, it made me forebode. But he enjoyed
his ride, and afterwards I sot off in one, Josiah in one also

      
 
 
 

  
  
238 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

nigh by with Tommy. One side of it comes off so you can
git in and set on a high cushion and read or knit. I took
my knittin’ and most knit one of Josiah’s heels whilst I rid
by palaces and elephants and camels and fakirs and palm
trees. Oh, Jonesville yarn! you never expected to be knit
amid seens like this. I can knit and admire scenery first
rate, and my blue and white yarn seemed to connect me with
Jonesville in some occult way, and then I knew Josiah would
need his socks before we got home.

Seein’ that the other ladies did so I had throwed my braize
veil gracefully over my head instead of my bunnet. The
natives are as fond of jewels here as they are in Ceylon.
Women with not a rag on down to their waists will have
four or five chains on, and bangles on their naked arms.
They spend all their earnin’s on these ornaments and wear
*em day and night. Well, seein’ they don’t have any other
clothes hardly, mebby it is best for ’em to keep holt on ’em.

We went by some wimmen preparin’ manure for fuel;
it wuz made into lumps and dried. The wimmen wuz workin’
away all covered with chains and bangles and rings; Josiah
looked on ’em engaged in that menial and onwelcome occu-
pation, and sez he:

“To see wimmen to work in the barnyard, Samantha, has
put a new idee into my head.”

I never asked him what it wuz, but spozed it had refer-
ence to Philury and mebby me, but I shall never go into that
work, never.

One day we went to the American mission school and
see the native children settin’ flat on the floor. Josiah wuz
awful worked up to see ’em settin’ down in such a oncom-
fortable posture, and he said to me that if he had some tools
and lumber he would make ’em some seats. But that is
their way of settin’ to study their lessons.

Among ’em wuz a little girl with a red spot on her for-
ward, indicatin’ that she wuz married, but don’t spoze that
she had gone to keepin’ house yet. Girls are married some-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 239

times at six or seven, but their husbands don’t claim ’em till
they’re ten or twelve. Good land! they’re nothin’ but ba-
bies then; I used to hold Tirzah Ann on my lap at that age.
Widders never marry again, and are doomed to a wretched
life of degradation and slavery; I guess that is the reason
why some on ’em had ruther be burnt up with their relics
than to live on to suffer so. How much they need the re-
ligion of love and mercy our Saviour come to teach! Our
missionaries are doin’ a blessed work, literally loosin’ the
chains of the captives, and settin’ at liberty them that are
bound.

One evenin’ we met a bridal procession, the groom was
ridin’ in a peacock-shaped gilt chariot drawed by four horses,
accompanied by a band of music; a big crowd of friends fol-
lered him, and coolies bearing torches; it seemed as if he
wanted to show himself off all he could. When they got
to the house of the bride, they took her in a closed palanquin
and meached away to the house of the groom. As in some
other countries, females play a minor part in the tune of life;
wimmen and children can’t eat at the table with their hus-
band and father, and he sets to the table and she sets down
on the floor.

Miss Meechim exclaimed loudly about the awful posi-
tion of wimmen here, but Arvilly told her that “though
wimmen at home had crep’ up a little so she could set to the
table and pour the tea, yet at banquets of honor she wuz
never seen and at the political table, where men proudly
sot and partook, wimmen still sot on the floor and couldn’t
git a bite.”

Miss Meechim didn’t dain a reply, but turned her talk
onto the dretful idee of widders bein’ burnt with their dead
husbands. The English won’t allow it where they can help
it, but it is still practised in way back regions, and Arvilly
said that she believed that some American widders, who had
had their property took from them by the family of the de-
ceased and had their unborn children willed away from ’em
240 AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

by law, suffered enough sight more than they would if they
had burnt themselves up with their relics; to say nothin’ of
widders bein’ burnt up twice in America, first through their
own fiery agony, and then seein’ their children sot fire to by
whiskey dealt to ’em by the will of the rulers of the land.

Arvilly always would have the last word. Miss Meechim
kinder snorted and tosted her head and held in.

I spoze it wuz partly on Robert Strong’s account, he bein’
high connected and rich, that we wuz all invited to a garden
party gin by Mr. and Miss Curzon, she that wuz Miss Leiter,
who used to be one of our neighbors, as you may say, out in
Chicago, U. S. And then I spoze that it wuz partly on my
account, they’d hearn of me, without any doubt, and craved
a augience. Josiah thought that it wuz on his account that
we wuz invited; he thinks he is a ornament to any festive
throng.

But ’tennyrate invited we wuz, and go we did, the hull
caboodle on us, all but Tommy, who stayed to home with the
good English maid that Miss Meechim had hired to take
Aronette’s place, but never, never to fill it.

Oh, Aronette! sweet girl! where are you? Where are
you? So my heart called out time and time agin; some-
times in the dead of night on my wakeful pillow, and anon
when I wuz lookin’ for her in places that I didn’t want to find
her. So did Dorothy’s heart call out to her. I knew she
wuz lookin’ for her always, seekin’ her with sad eyes full of
tears, looking, longing for the playmate of her childhood,
the loving, gentle helper and companion of her youth.

Miss Meechim didn’t speak of her so often as she thought
of her, I believe; but she grew thin after her loss, and when
grief for a person ploughs away your flesh you can call your-
self a mourner. She lost five pounds and a half in less than
a month; next to Dorothy she loved her.

Arvilly openly and often bewailed the loss of the one she
loved next to Waitstill Webb; I wuzn’t anywhere in Arvilly’s
affections to what she wuz, though she sets store by me,
‘OFZ aseg—"

!

on

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 241

and Tommy cried himself to sleep many a night talking
about her, and wonnerin’ where she wuz, and if somebody
wuz abusin’ her, or if she wuz to the bottom of the ocean.
Why, he would rack my mind and pierce my heart so I
would have to give him candy to get his mind off; I used
pounds in that way, though I knew it wuz hurtful, but didn’t
know what to do.

We often thought and spoke of poor Lucia, too, and that
poor broken-hearted father who wuz searching through the
world for her and would never stop his mournful search till
he found her, or till death found him, but our hearts didn’t
ache for her as they did for the loss of our own.

Martha wuz a kind, good girl, but she wuzn’t Aronette,
our dear one, our lost one. She wuz jest a helper doin’ her
work and earnin’ her wages, that wuz all, but she was good
natured and offered to look after Tommy, and we all went
to the Viceroy’s reception and garden party and had a real
good time.

The palace of the Viceroy is a beautiful structure. It is
only two stories high, but each story full and running over
with beauty. I d’no but the widder Albert’s house goes ahead
of this, but it don’t seem as if it could, it don’t seem as if
Solomon’s or the Queen of Sheba’s could look any better.
Though of course I never neighbored with Miss Sheba, bein’
considerable younger than she, and never got round to visit
the widder Albert, though I always wanted to, and spoze I
disappointed her that year when I wuz in London, and kep’
by business and P. Martin Smythe from visitin’ her.

Miss Curzon is a real handsume woman, and always wuz
when she was a neighborin’ girl, as you may say, in Chicago,
but the high position she’s in now has gin nobility to her
mean, and the mantilly of dignity she wears sets well on her.

She seemed real glad to see me; she had hearn on me,
so she said, and she said she had laughed some when she
read my books, and had cried too, and I sez, “I hope you

16
242 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

didn’t cry because you felt obleeged to read ’em, or some-
body made you.”

And she sez, “ No,” and she went on furder to say how
they had soothed the trials of a relative, aged ninety, and
had been a stay and solace to one of her pa’s great aunts.

And a bystander standin’ by come up and introduced
himself and said how much my books had done for some
relations of ‘his mother-in-law who had read ’em in Sing Sing
and the Tombs. And after considerable such interestin’ and
agreeable conversation Miss Curzon branched off and asked
me if there wuz any new news at home.

And I sez, ‘‘ No; things are goin’ in the same old way.
Your pa’s folks are in good health so fur as I know, and the
rest of the four hundred are so as to git about, for I hear
on ’em to horse shows and huntin’ foxes acrost the country
and playin’ tee or tee he.”

She said, ‘ Yes, golf wuz gettin’ to be very popular in
America.” And I went on with what little news I could about
the most important folks. Sez I:

“Mr. and Miss Roosvelt are well, and well thought on.
He is a manly man and a gentle gentleman. The sample of
goodness, loyalty and common sense they are workin’ out
there in the White House ort to be copied by all married men
and their wives. If they did the divorce lawyers would starve
to death—or go into some other business.

“I set store by ’em both. Theodore tries to quell the
big monopolies and look out for the people. I’ve advised
him and he has follered my advice more or less. But you
can’t do everything in a minute, and the political bosses and
the Liquor Power are rulin’ things about the same as ever.
Big trusts are flourishin’, Capital covered with gold and
diamonds is settin’ on the bent back of Labor, drivin’ the
poor critter where they want to, and the Man with the Hoe
is hoein’ away jest as usual and don’t get the pay for it he’d
ort to.” And here Arvilly broke in (she had been intro-
duced), and sez she, ‘‘ Uncle Sam is girdin’ up his lions and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 243

stands with a chip on his shoulder ready to step up and take
a round with any little republic that don’t want to be benevo-
lently assimilated.”

But I spoke right up, and sez, “ He is a good-hearted
creeter, Uncle Sam is, but needs a adviser time and agin,
and not bein’ willin’ to let wimmen have a word to say, I d’no
what will become on him; bime-by mebby he’ll see that he
had better hearn to me.”

Jest then we hearn a bystander standin’ nigh by us talkin’
about the last news from Russia, and I sez to Miss Curzon,
“Tt is too bad about the war, hain’t it?’ And she sez,
“Yes indeed!” She felt dretful about it, I could see, and
I sez, “So do I. You and I can’t stop it, Miss Curzon; a
few ambitious or quarrelsome or greedy politicians will make
a war and then wimmen have to stand it. There hain’t
nothin’ right in it, seein’ they are half of the world, and men
couldn’t have got into the world at all if it hadn’t been for
wimmen, and then when wimmen has got ’em here, and took
care on ’em till they can run alone, then they go to bossin’
her round the first thing and makin’ her no end of trouble,
makin’ wars and things.’ And she said she felt jest so, too.
“ But,” sez I, “ excuse me for introducin’ personal and politi-
cal matters on festive boards ” (we wuz standin’ on a kind of
a platform built up on the green and velvety grass). Sez I,
“T am real glad to see you lookin’ so well, and your com-
panion, too.” She did look handsome as a picter, and hand-
somer enough sight than some, chromos and such. And
seein’ that she had so many to talk to, I withdrawed myself,
but as I kinder backed myself off I backed right into Arvilly,
who wuz takin’ out the “ Twin Crimes” out of her work-
bag, and I sez, “ Arvilly, you shall not canvass Miss Curzon
to-night.”

And she sez, “ I’d like to see you stop me, Josiah Allen’s
wife, if I set out to do anything.” She looked real beligerent.
But I got her into a corner and appealed to her shiverly and
pity, and finally I got her to put her book up in her work-
244 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

bag. Arvilly is good-hearted if you know how to manage
her. I knew Miss Curzon would be tired enough to drop
down before we all got away, without being canvassed, if
she has got two hundred hired help in the house.

Well, we roamed along through the beautiful walks, sweet.
with perfume and balmy with flowers, brilliant with innumer-
able lights, and thronged with a gaily dressed crowd and the
air throbbing with entrancing strains of music.

Robert Strong looked noble and handsome that night; I
wuz proud to think he belonged to our party. He didn’t
need uniforms and ribbons and stars and orders to proclaim
his nobility, no more than his City of Justice needed steeples.
It shone out of his liniment so everybody could see it. It
seemed that he and Mr. Curzon wuz old friends; they talked
together like brothers.

Dorothy wuz as sweet as a posy in her pretty pink frock,
trimmed with white rosies, and her big, white picture hat—
the prettiest girl there, I thought; and I believe Robert
thought so, too—he acted as if he did. And Miss Meechim
wuz in her element. The halls of the noble and gay wuz
where her feet loved to linger. And she seemed to look
up to me more than ever after she see my long interview
with Lady Curzon, as she called her.

Josiah and I returned to our tarven, but the rest of the
party wanted to stay some later. We wanted dretfully to go
to Benares, and on to Agra so’s to see that wonderful monu-
ment to Wedded Love—the Taj Mahal—I spoze the most
beautiful building in the hull world; and certainly it is rared
up to as noble a sentiment; and its being a kind of rareity,
too, made me want to see it the worst kind.

But we had loitered so on our travels that we had to
hurry up a little in order to arrive at the Paris Exposition
the Fourth of July—United States day. I felt that I couldn’t
bear to git there any later and keep France a-waitin’ for us,
a-worryin’ for fear we wouldn’t git there at all, so we went
post-haste from Calcutta to Bombay and from there to
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 245

Cairo and on to Marseilles; though we laid out to stop long
enough in Cairo to take a tower in Jerusalem. Holy Land,
wuz I, indeed, to see thee?

We wuz considerable tired when we got to Bombay.
The railroads in Injy are not like the Empire Express;
though, as we drew near Bombay, the scenery wuz grand;
some like our own Sierra Nevada’s.

Only a few milds back from the railroad, tigers, panthers
and all sorts of fierce animals wuz to home to callers, but
we didn’t try to visit em. At some places the trees along
the road wuz full of monkeys, chatterin’ and talkin’ in their
own language which they understood, so I spoze; and there
wuz the most beautiful birds I ever saw. The climate wuz
delightful, some like June days in dear Jonesville.

Bombay is on an island, with many bridges connecting it
to the mainland. We went to a tarven close to Bombay
‘Bay ; the wide verandas full of flowers and singin’ birds made
it pleasant. We got good things to eat here; oh, how Jo-
siah enjoyed the good roast beef and eggs and bread, most
as good as Jonesville bread. Though it seemed kinder queer
to me, and I don’t think Miss Meechim and Arvilly enjoyed
it at all to have our chamber work done by barelegged men.

I told Josiah that I didn’t know but I ort to have a Ayah
or maid whilst I wuz there, and he said with considerable
justice that he guessed he could ayah me all that wuz neces-
sary.

Aid so he could, I didn’t need no other chaperone. But
the Bombay ladies never stir out without their Ayah, and
ladies don’t go out in the streets much anyway.

The market here in Bombay wuz the finest I ever see; it
has a beautiful flower garden and park attached to it, and
little rills of clear water run through the stun gutters. Tropi-
cal fruit and vegetables of all kinds wuz to be seen here. The
native market wimmen didn’t have on any clothes hardly,
but made it up in jewelry. Some on ’em weighin’ out beef
to customers would have five or six long gold chains hang-
246 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR

ing down to their waist. Bombay has a population of about
a million, a good many English, some Hindus, Persians,
Chinese, Siamese, Turks, and about one-tenth are Parsees,
sun-worshippers. They are many of them wealthy and live
in beautiful villas a little out of the city; they are very in-
telligent and firm friends of the English.

The Parsees dress in very rich silks and satin, the men
in pantaloons of red or orange and long frocks of gorgeous
colored silk; they wear high-pinted black caps, gold chains
and rings and look dretful dressy.

Josiah loved their looks dearly, and he sez dreamily,
“What a show such a costoom would make in Jonesville; no
circus ever went through there that would attract so much
attention,” and he added, “ their idees about the sun hain’t
so fur out of the way. The sun duz give all the heat and
light we have, and it is better to worship that than snakes and
bulls.”

My land! had that man a idee of becomin’ a Parsee? I
sez, ‘‘ Josiah Allen, be you a Methodist deacon, or be you
not? Are you a-backslidin’ or hain’t you?” Sez I, “ You
had better ask the help of him who made the sun and the
earth to keep you from wobblin’. -

He wuz real huffy and sez, “ Well, I say it, and stick to it,
that it is better to worship the sun than it is to worship
snakes,” and come to think it over, I didn’t know but it wuz.

The Parsees live together in big families of relations,
sometimes fifty.

They do not bury their dead, but put ’em up in high
towers, called Towers of Silence. And I believe my soul that
I’d ruther be put up in the sky than down in the mouldy
earth.

Jest a little way from this Tower of Silence is the spot
where the Brahmans burn their dead; there are so many that
the fires are kep’ burnin’ all the time. And a little ways
off is the place where the English bury their dead.

And I d’no but one way is as good as another. The pale
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 247

shadder of the real tower of silence has fell on ’em all and
silenced ’em. It don’t make much difference what becomes
of the husk that is wropped round the wheat. The freed
soul soarin’ off to its own place wouldn’t care what become
of the wornout garment it dropped in its flight.

But to resoom: We all went out fora drive through the
streets; Josiah and I and Arvilly and little Tommy in a little
two-wheeled cart settin’ facin’ each other drawed by two
buffalo cows. Robert and Dorothy and Miss Meechim occu-
pied another jest ahead on us. The driver sot on the tongue
of the wagon, and would pull their tails instead of whippin’
‘em when he wanted ’em to go faster. The cows’ ears wuz
all trimmed off with bells and gay streamers of cotton cloth,
and their tails had big red bows on ’em, and Josiah whis-
pered to me:

“You see, Samantha, if I don’t get some ear and tail
trimmin’ for old Brindle and Lineback when I git home; our
cows are goin’ to have some advantage of our tower if they
couldn’t travel with us. And,” sez he, “ what a show we
could make, Samantha, ridin’ in to meetin’ behind ’em; bells
a-jinglin’ and ribbins a-flyin’, I dressed in a long silk frock
and you all covered with jewelry.”

“Well,” sez I (wantin’ to break up the idee to once),
“if we do that, I must be buyin’ some jewelry right away.”

“Oh, Samantha,” sez he anxiously, “can’t you take a
joke? I wouldn’t drive anything but the old mair for love
or money. And your cameo pin is so beautiful and so be-
coming to you.”

We went by a good many Parsees in that drive, and Ar-
villy sez, “ They look so rich somehow, I believe I shall try
to canvass some on ’em.” And that afternoon about sun-
down she seein’ one on ’em goin’ into a little garden she
follered him in; he wuz dressed in such a gorgeous way that
she wuz almost sure of a customer, but jest as she wuz gettin’
the ‘“ Twin Crimes” out of her work-bag, he took off his
outer frock, lain it down on the ground and knelt down,
248 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

facin’ the sunset, and sprinkled his head, breast and hands
three times from a little dish he had with him, and then be-
gun to pray and kep’ up his devotions for half an hour, and
Arvilly of course not wantin’ to break up a meetin’ put her
book into her work-bag and went away. I kinder like the
idee of their worshippin’ under the blue dome of heaven,
though of course I didn’t like their idee of worshippin’ the
created instead of the Creator. In travellin’ through these
countries more and more every day did I feel to thank the
Lord that I wuz a member of the M. E. meetin’ house in
Jonesville, U. S., a humble follower of him who went about
doing good, but I didn’t feel like goin’ on as Miss Meechim
did. How she did look down on the Parsees and compared
*em to the Piscopals to their immense disadvantage.

But Arvilly, the iconoclast, sez, ‘“ These Parsees boast
that there is not a pauper or woman of bad character in the
hull of their sect, and I wonder if any other religious sect
in America could say as much as that, Miss Meechim?”’

Miss Meechim turned her head away and sniffed some;
she hates to enter into a argument with Arvilly, but she wuz
gittin’ real worked up and I don’t know how it would have
ended, but I spoke right up and quoted some Bible to ’em,
thinkin’ mebby that it might avert a storm.

Sez I, “Charity vaunteth not itself. Charity thinketh no
evil, suffereth long and is kind.”

I meant both on ’em to take it, and I meant to take some
on’t myself. I knowed that I wuz sometimes a little hash
with my beloved pardner. But a woman, if she don’t want to
be run over has to work every way to keep a man’s naterel
overbeariness quelled down. I worship him and he knows
it, and if I didn’t use headwork he would take advantage
of that worship and tromple on me.

But though Arvilly didn’t canvass the Parsee, she sold
several copies of the “Twin Crimes” to English residents
who seemed to hail the idee of meeting a Yankee book-agent
in the Orient with gladness.
CHAPTER XXII

ay OROTHY and Miss Meechim and Robert

4 TAS
WAI

| FS
\ £3

Strong went over to an island on the bay to
see the caves of Elephanta, the great under-
Ne ground temple, one hall of which is one hun-
teak dred and fifty feet long, the lofty ceilin’ sup-
ported by immense columns, and three smaller halls, the
walls of all on ’em richly sculptured.

Whose hands made them statutes? I don’t know nor
Josiah don’t and I guess nobody duz. There wuz a thought-
ful look on Dorothy’s sweet face when she came home, and
Robert Strong too seemed walkin’ in a reverie, but Miss
Meechim wuz as pert as ever; it takes more than a cave to
dant her.

One place in Bombay I liked first rate, a hospital for
dumb animals, it is kep’ by a sect called the Jains. Sick ani-
mals of all kinds are cared for: horses, cows, dogs, cats,
rats and I spoze any ailin’ creeter from a mouse up to a ele-
phant is nursed with tender care.

Sez Josiah, “No matter what her creed is, Samantha,
that Jane is a good creeter and is doin’ a great work, I would
send the old mair here in a minute if she wuz took with con-
sumption or janders or anythin’, if it wuzn’t so fur, and Id
tell Jane jest how much I thought on her for her goodness.”

Sez I, ‘“‘ Josiah, it is a sect, not a female.”

But he wouldn’t gin in and talks about Jane a sight now
when he recalls about the horrers of vivisection or when he
sees animals abused and horses driv too hard and overloaded
—he always sez:

“T would like to have Jane see that, I guess Jane would
put a stop to that pretty lively.”

 
250 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Well, it shows Josiah’s good heart.

The Hindus have several temples in Bombay. One of
the great days is the Festival of the Serpents. Snake charm-
ers bring to this place the deadly snakes which are then fed
to propitiate them, by the priests, I spoze.

Oh, how Miss Meechim went on about the idee of wor-
shippin’ snakes, and it wuz perfectly dretful to me too, I
must confess. But Arvilly always puttin’ her oar in and al-
ways hash on our govermunt, sez:

“Why, what is this different from what we do in
America ?”

Miss Meechim’s eyes snapped, she wuz madder than a
wet hen, but Arvilly went on, “ Every ‘lection time hain’t
the great serpent of the liquor power fed and pampered by
the law-makers of our country?”

Miss Meechim didn’t reply; I guess she dassent, and I
didn’t. say anything, and Arvilly went on:

“Our serpent worship is as bad agin as these Hindus’,
for after their snakes are fed and worshipped they shet ’em
up agin so they can’t do any harm. But after lawmakers
propitiate the serpent with money and influence, they let it
loose to wreathe round the bright young lives and noble
manhood and crunch and destroy ‘em in its deadly folds,
leavin’ the slime of agony and death in its tracks all over
our country from North to South, East to West. It don’t
look well after all this for an American to act horrified at
feedin’ a snake a little milk and shettin’ it up in a box.” She
wuz fairly shakin’ with indignation, and Miss Meechim dast
as well die as dispute her agin. And I didn’t say a word to
harrer her up any more, for I knew well what she had went
through.

We only stayed a few days in Bombay, and then took the
steamer and went straight acrost the Arabian Sea, stopping
at Aden for a little while, and then up the Red Sea; on one
side on us, Arabia, and on the other, Africa.

Aden, where we stopped for a short time, is a dreary
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE 251

lookin’ little place with seventy or eighty thousand natives
livin’ a little back from the shore, while the few English
people there live near the coast. Beautiful ostrich feathers
are obtained there from the many ostrich farmers living
near, as well as the Mocha coffee, which made over a Jones-
ville stove by a Jonesville woman has so often cheered the
heart and put to flight the worrisome passions of a Josiah.
But in most of these tropical countries, where you'd think
you could git the best, I didn’t find coffee half so good as I
made it myself, though mebby I ortn’t to say it.

We saw some wonderful jugglers here. They will draw
out great bunches of natural flowers from most anywhere
that you wouldn’t expect ’em to be, and call birds down or
out of some place onseen by us; mebby they come from the
mysterious gardens of a Carabi’s home, and those great
bunches of roses, I d’no from what invisible rose bushes they
wuz picked; mebby they growed up tall and stately on either
side of the Ether avenues that surround us on every side.
Mebby Carabi lives right under the shade of some on ’em,
but ’tennyrate some of these flowers they made out of nothin’
I took right into my hands, great, soft, dewy roses, with
seemin’ly the same dew and perfume on ’em they have when
picked in our earthly gardens. And we saw some wonder-
ful divers there; they did such strange things that it wuz
fairly skairful to see ’°em. If you would throw a small coin
down into the water, they would dive way down, down with
both hands full of balls and bring up the coin in their teeth,
showing that they picked it up offen the bottom without
touching their hands to it. Good land! I couldn’t do it to
save my life in our cistern or wash bowl, let alone the deep,
deep sea.

As we entered the Red Sea we passed through the narrer
channel called The Straits of Bab-el-Mandeb, Gate of Tears,
named so on account of the many axidents that have hap-
pened there. But we got through safely and sailed on to-
wards Suez,
252 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

So we went on past the coasts of Abyssinia, Nubia. Fur
off we see Mount Sineii, sacred mount, where the Law wuz
given to Moses.

Oh, my soul, think on’t! To see the very spot where
Moses stood and talked to the Almighty face to face. It is
only three hundred milds from Suez.

We sailed directly over the place where the Israelites
passed over dry shod whilst their enemies, the Egyptians,
wuz overwhelmed by the waters. The persecuted triumphant
and walkin’ a-foot into safety, while Tyranny and Oppres-
sion wuz drownded.

I wish them waters wuz swashin’ up to-day and closin’
in on the Oppressor, not to drownd ’em, mebby, but to give
’em a pretty good duckin’. But I spoze the walls of water
like as not is risin’ on each side on ’em onbeknown to them,
and when the time comes, when the bugle sounds, they
will rush in and overwhelm the armies of Greed and Tyranny
and the oppressed. Them that are forced to make brick
without straw, or without sand hardly, will be free, and go
on rejoicin’ into the land of Promise.

But to resoom: It is three thousand milds from ‘Bombay
to Suez, but it wuz all safely passed and we found ourselves
in Cairo in a most comfortable hotel, and felt after all our
wanderings in fur off lands that we agin breathed the air of
civilization almost equal to Jonesville.

We found some letters here from home. I had a letter
from Tirzah Ann and one from Thomas Jefferson. His let-
ter wuz full of gratitude to heaven and his ma for his dear
little boy’s restored strength and health. He and Maggie
wuz lookin’ and waitin’ with eager hearts and open arms
to greet us, and the time wuz long to ’em I could see, though
he didn’t say so.

Tirzah Ann’s letter contained strange news of our neigh-
bor, Miss Deacon Sypher. Her devotion to her husband has
been told by me more formally, it is worthy the pen of poet
and historian. She lived and breathed in the Deacon,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE 253

marked all her clothes, M. D. S., Miss Deacon Sypher. Her
hull atmosphere wuz Deacon, her goal wuz his happiness,
her heaven his presence.

Well, a year ago she got hurt on the sidewalk to Jones-
ville, and the Deacon sued the village and got five hundred
dollars for her broken leg. He took the money and went
out to the Ohio on a pleasure trip, and to visit some old
neighbors. It made talk, for folks said that when she wor-
shipped him so he ort to stayed by her, but he hired she that
wuz Betsy Bobbett to stay with her, and he went off on this
pleasure trip and had a splendid good time, and with the
rest of the money he bought a span of mules. Miss Sypher
wuz deadly afraid of ’em. But the Deacon wanted ’em, and
so they made her happily agonized, she wuz so afraid of their
heels and their brays, and so highly tickled with the Deacon’s
joy. Well, it turned out queer as a dog, but just after we
started on our trip abroad Tirzah said that the Deacon fell
and broke his leg in the same place and the same spot on the
sidewalk; the Jonesvillians are slack, it wuzn’t mended
proper. And Miss Sypher thought that she would git some
money jest as he did. She didn’t think on’t for quite a spell,
Tirzah writ. She wuz so bound up in the Deacon and never
left his side night or day, nor took off her clothes only to
wash ’em for two weeks, jest bent over his couch and
drowged round waitin’ on him, for he wuz dretful notional
and hard to git along with. But she loved to be jawed at,
dearly, for she said it made her think he would git along,
and when he would find fault with her and throw things, she
smiled gladly, thinkin’ it wuz a good sign.

Well, when he got a little better so she could lay down
herself and rest a little, the thought come to her that she
would git some money for his broken leg jest as he had for
hern. She thought that she would like to buy him a suit
of very nice clothes and a gold chain, and build a mule barn
for the mules, but the law wouldn’t give Miss Deacon Sypher
a cent; the law said that if anything wuz gin it would go to
254 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the Deacon’s next of kin, a brother who lived way off in the
Michigan.

The Deacon owned her bones, but she didn’t own the
Deacon’s!

And I wonnered at it as much as Tommy ever wonnered
over anything why her broken limb, and all the emoluments
from it, belonged to him, and his broken leg and the pro-
prietary rights in it belonged to a man way out in the Michi-
gan that he hadn’t seen for ten years and didn’t speke to
(owin’ to trouble about property), and after Miss Deacon
Sypher had worshipped him and waited on him for thirty
years like a happy surf.

Well, so it wuz. I said it seemed queer, but Arvilly said
that it wuzn’t queer at all. She sez: “One of my letters
from home to-day had a worse case in it than that.”’ Sez she,
“You remember Willie Henzy, Deacon Henzy’s grandchild,
in Brooklyn. You know how he got run over and killed by
a trolley car.”

“ Yes,” sez I, “ sweet little creeter; Sister Henzy told me
about it with the tears runnin’ down her cheeks. They all
worshipped that child, he wuz jest as pretty and bright as
he could be, and he wuz the only boy amongst all the grand-
children ; it is a blow Deacon Henzy will never git over. And
his ma went into one faintin’ fit after another when he wuz
brought home, and will never be a well woman agin, and
his pa’s hair in three months grew gray as a rat; it ’most
killed all on ’em.”

“Well,” sez Arvilly, “what verdict do you think that
fool brought in?”

“ What fool?” sez I.

“The law!” sez Arvilly sternly. ‘“ The judge brought in
a verdict of one dollar damages; it said that children wuzn’t
wage-earners and therefore they wuzn’t worth any more.”

I throwed my arms ’round Tommy onbeknown to me,
and sez I, “Millions and millions of money wouldn’t pay your
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 255

grandma for you.” And Tommy wonnered and wonnered
that a little boy’s life wuzn’t worth more than a dollar.

“Why,” sez I, “the law gives twenty dollars for a two-
year-old heifer.”

“Yes,” sez Arvilly, “ the law don’t reckon Willie Henzy’s
life worth so much as a yearlin’ calf or a dog. But they can
do jest as they please; these great monopolies have spun
their golden web round politicians and office-seekers and
office-holders and rule the whole country. They can set
their own valuation on life and limb, and every dollar they
can save in bruised flesh and death and agony, is one more
dollar to divide amongst the stockholders.”

“Well,” sez I, “we mustn’t forgit to be megum, Ar-
villy; we mustn’t forgit in our indignation all the good
they do carryin’ folks from hether to yon for almost nothin’.”’

“ Well, they no need to act more heartless than Nero or
King Herod. I don’t believe that old Nero himself would
done this; I believe he would gin two dollars for Willie
Henzy.”

And I sez, “I never neighbored with Mr. Nero. But if
I could git holt of that judge,” sez I, “ he would remember it
to his dyin’ day.”

“ He wouldn’t care for what you said,” sez Arvilly; “he
got his pay. There hain’t any of these big monopolies got
any more soul than a stun-boat.”

It is only nine hours from Suez to Cairo. How often have
I spoke of the great desert of Sarah in hours of Jonesville
mirth and sadness, little thinkin’ that I should ever cross it in
this mortal spear, but we did pass through a corner on’t
and had a good view of the Suez Canal, about which so much
has been said and done. For milds we went through the
Valley of the Nile, that great wet nurse of Egypt. The
banks on either side on’t stand dressed in livin’ green. There
wuz a good many American and English people at the tarven
in Cairo, but no one we knew. In the garden at the side of
the tarven wuz a ostrich pen where a number of great os-
256 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

triches wuz kep’, and also several pelicans walked round in
another part of the garden.

Tommy and I stood by the winder, very much interested
in watchin’ the ostriches, and though I hain’t covetous or
proud, yet I did wish I had one or two of them satiny, curly
feathers to trim my best bunnet in Jonesville, they went so
fur ahead of any sisters in the meetin’ house.

Josiah hadn’t see ’em yet; he wuz layin’ on the lounge,
but he sez: “I don’t see why you’re so took up. with them
geese.”

“ Geese!” sez I; “look here, Josiah Allen ”’—and I took
a cookie I had got for Tommy—“see here; see me feed these
geese ten feet from the ground.”” He could see their heads
come up to take it out of my hand.

“Good land!” sez he, “ you don’t say they stretch their
necks clear up here.” And he jined in our astonishment then
and proposed that he should be let down from the winder in
a sheet and git me a few feathers. But I rejected the idee to
once. I sez: “I’d ruther go featherless for life than to have
a pardner commit rapine for ’em.”

And he sez: “If some Egyptian come to Jonesville and
wanted a rooster’s tail feather, we wouldn’t say nuthin’ aginst
it.”

But I sez: “ This is different; this would spile the looks
of the ostriches.”

And he said there wuz sunthin’ said in the Bible about
“spilin’ the Egyptians.” But I wouldn’t let him wrest the
Scripters to his own destruction, and told him I wouldn’t,
and then sez I, “I never could enjoy religion settin’ under a
stolen feather.”

As you pass through these picturesque streets memories
of them that have made this city historic crowd upon your
mind. You think of Saladin, Christian, Mameluke and Is-
lamite.

You think of the Bible and you think of the ‘Arabian
Nights,” and you almost expect to see the enchanted carpet
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 25%

layin’ round somewhere, and some one goin’ up to the close
shet doors sayin’, ‘“ Open sesame.”

And as you stroll along you will hear every language
under the sun, or so it seems, and meet English, Italian,
French, Bedowins, soldiers, footmen, Turks, Arabs, all
dressed in their native costumes. Anon close shet up car-
riages in which you most know there are beautiful wimmen
peerin’ out of some little corner onbeknown to their folks;
agin you meet a weddin’ procession, then a trolley car, then
some Egyptian troops, then some merchants, then mysterious
lookin’ Oriental wimmen, with black veils hangin’ loose, then
a woman with a donkey loaded with fowls, then some more
soldiers in handsome uniform.

Agin every eye is turned to see some high official or na-
tive prince dressed in splendid array dashin’ along in a car-
riage with footmen runnin’ on before to clear the way. And
mebby right after comes a man drivin’ a flock of turkeys,
they feelin’ jest as important and high-headed to all appear-
ance.

The air is delightful here, dry and warm. No malaria
in Egypt, though nigh by are sulphur baths for anybody
that wants them, and also a cure for consumptive folks.

In goin’ through the streets of Cairo you will see bazars
everywhere; slipper bazars, carpet and rug, vase and candle,
and jewelry bazars; little shops where everything can be
bought are all on sides of you.

But if you go to buy anything you get so confused as
to the different worth of a piaster that your head turns. In
some transactions it is as much agin as in others. Josiah
got dretful worked up tryin’ to buy a silk handkerchief. Sez
he to the dealer:

“What do you mean by it, you dishonest tike, you? If
you should come to Jonesville to buy a overcoat or a pair of
boots, and we should wiggle round and act as you do, I
wouldn’t blame you if you never come there to trade a cent
with us agin.”

17
258 AROUND THR WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR

The man kep’ bowin’ real polite and offered some coffee
to him and a pipe, and Josiah sez:

“T don’t want none of your coffee, nor none of your pipes,
I want honesty, and I can tell you one thing that you’ve lost
my trade, and you'll lose the hull of the Jonesville trade
when I go home and tell the brethren how slippery you be
in a bargain.”

The man kep’ on bowin’ and smilin’ and I told Josiah,
“T presoom he thinks you’re praisin’ him; he acts as if he
did.” And Josiah stopped talkin’ in a minute. But how-
sumever he wouldn’t take the handkerchief.

Miss Meechim and I—and I spoze that Robert Strong
wuz to the bottom of it—but ’tennyrate, we wuz invited to
a harem to see a princess, wife of a pasha. Robert thought
that we should like to see the inside of an Indian prince’s pal-
ace, and so we did.

Miss Meechim of course woudn’t consent to let Dorothy
go anywhere nigh such a place, and I guess she disinfected
her clothes before she see Dorothy when she got back;
*tennyrate, I see her winder up and her dress hangin’ over
a chair. Arvilly didn’t want to go, and as she wuzn’t in-
vited, it made it real convenient for her to not want to. And
of course I couldn’t take my pardner. Why, that good,
moral man would be flowed from by them wimmen as if he
had the plague. Dorothy and Robert wuz a-goin’ to Heliop-
olis and offered to take Tommy with ’em. And Miss
Meechim and I accordin’ly sot off alone.

The palace stood in beautiful grounds and is a noble-
lookin’ building. We wuz met at the entrance to the gar-
den by four handsome native girls with beautiful silk dresses
on, handsome turbans, satin slippers and jewelry enough for
a dozen wimmen.

They took our hands, each on us walkin’ between two
on ’em, for all the world as if we wuz prisoners, till we got
to the gates of the palace, and here two black males, dressed
AROUND THRE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 259

as rich as a president or minister, met us, and four more
gayly dressed female slaves.

These girls took Miss Meechim’s cape and my mantilly
and laid ’em away. Then we went through a long hall and
up a magnificent marble staircase, with a girl on each side
on us agin jest as if we wuz bein’ took to jail. We then went
into a large beautiful room where the Princess’ Lady of
Honor wuz tryin’, I spoze, to be jest as honorable as she
could be. But to my surprise she handed us the first thing
some coffee and pipes to smoke. But such a pipe never en-
tered Jonesville. Why, the pipe stem was six feet long,
amber and gold, diamonds and rubies. Good land! it wuz
most enough to get a perfessor and a member of the W. C.
T. U. to smokin’. But I wuzn’t to be enticed; I sort o’ waved
it off graceful and drinked a little coffee, which wuz good,
and if you'll believe it the little holders that held our cups
wuz all covered with diamonds. Then six more slaves, jest
as pretty, with jest as fine clothes and with as many jewels,
came to tell us the Princess would see us. And we went
with them through room after room, each one seemin’ly
more elegant than the others, till we reached the door of a
great grand apartment, and here the Princess wuz sur-
rounded by more slaves, dressed handsomer than any we'd
seen yet.

She come forward to meet us and led the way to a beauti-
ful divan, where we sot down. Here they offered us some
more of the beautiful jewelled pipes agin, and agin I stood
firm and so did Miss Meechim, but the Princess smoked a
little. But the tobacco wuz perfumed so delightfully that
there wuz no tobacco smell to it.

Then coffee wuz passed agin in a jewelled cup and agin
I sipped a little on’t, thinkin’ like as not it would keep me
awake it wuz so strong, but knowin’ that I had got to be
polite anyway in such a time as this.

She talked quite good English and we had a pleasant
visit with her, and anon she took each on us by the hand—
260 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

for all the world they acted as if we wuz infants and couldn’t
walk alone—and led us through the magnificent rooms with
lofty mirrors, furniture covered with costly Persian cloth
embroidered with gold and silver, great rugs of the most
exquisite color and texture, mounds of flowers, baskets and
vases everywhere running over with them, makin’ the air
sweet with their perfume.

In one room there wuz no winders, the walls bein’ made
of glitterin’ mirrors sot in gilded frames, light comin’ down
through stained glass in the gilded ceiling.

On the Princess’ toilet table wuz a large gold tray holdin’
a basin of perfumed water, and white silk towels embroidered
in gold and silver.

I remembered my crash and huck-a-buck towels and
thought to myself I didn’t know what she would do if she
ever come to see me, unless I took one of Josiah’s silk hand-
kerchiefs for her to wipe her hands on. But concluded I
would do that if she ever paid my visit. And I thought the
minute I got home I would paint the bowl of the pipe we had
used for tizik, a pale blue or pink, and dry some extra fine
mullen leaves and catnip blows, they smell real sweet to me,
and I knew they would be good for her bronkial tubes any-
way. And I laid out to make up in a warm welcome what we
lacked in luxury.

Well, the last room we went into we wuz served in uy
cups with a delicate drink. Lemonade, I guess it wuz, or
orange and fruit juice of some kind. It wuz served to us in
jewelled cups and we had gold embroidered napkins. Here
the Princess thanked us for our visit and retired, followed
by the slaves who had gone with us through the palace.

And we went down the staircase with a girl on each side
on us jest as we went up, so if Miss Meechim and I had had
any mind to break away and act, we couldn’t, and went to our
carriage waited on jest as when we come. Miss Meechim
said as we started back:
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 261

“Did you ever see the like? Was you prepared to see
such magnificence, Josiah Allen’s wife?”

And I told her I wuz partly prepared, for I had read the
Arabian Night’s Entertainment.

“Well,” sez she, “it goes fur beyend my wildest dreams
of luxury.”

When we got back to the tarven we found that Robert
Strong had been delayed by a visitor and wuz jest startin’
for Heliopolis, and Miss Meechim and I bein’ all ready we
turned round and went with ’em.

Heliopolis hain’t so grand lookin’ as its name. It isa
little Arab town six miles from Cairo. The low houses are
made of mud and nasty inside, I believe; they don’t look
much like Jonesville houses. The oldest and greatest col-
lege once stood here. Here, too, wuz the hant of that immor-
tal bird, the Phenix, who raised himself to life every five
hundred years. (Josiah don’t believe a word on’t, and I
don’t know as I do.) But we do spoze that wuz the very
place where Joseph married the daughter of Mr. Potiphar,
doin’ dretful well, it wuz spozed by her folks, but he wuz
plenty good enough for her, I think, and so Josiah duz.

And right in this neighborhood Alexander the Great
marched round and camped on his way to Memphis. So
you can see it wuz interestin’ in a good many ways.

But the Virgin’s Tree wuz what we wanted to see. It is
a fig sycamore; its trunk is twenty feet in diameter and its
branches spread out and cover a great space. But its size
wuzn’t what we went to see. Under this tree Joseph and
Mary rested whilst they wuz fleeing to Egypt from them
that sought the young Child’s life. Our Lord himself had
been under this very tree that wuz bendin’ over me. My
emotions wuz such that I didn’t want any on ‘em to see my
face; I went apart from ’em and sot down on a little seat not
fur off from the fence that protects this tree from relic
hunters. And I had a large number of emotions as I sot
there lookin’ up into the green branches,
262 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

I wondered how Mary felt as she sot there. She knowed
she wuz carryin’ a sacred burden on her bosom. The Star
that had guided the wise men to the cradle of her Baby
had shone full into his face and she’d seen the Divinity there.
Angels had heralded His birth; the frightened king looked
upon Him as one who would take his kingdom from him,
and an angel had bidden them to take the Child and flee to
Egypt.

And how happy Joseph and Mary wuz as they sot down
under this tree. All their journey over the weary rocky
roads, over the mountains, through the streams and the
valleys, and over the sandy desert they dassent rest, but wuz
lookin’ behind ’em all the time as they pressed forward, ex-
pectin’ to hear the gallopin’ steeds of the king, and to hear
the cruel cries of his blood-thirsty soldiers. Why, just think
on’t: every other baby boy in the country put to death jest
to be sure of makin’ way with the child that she held to her
bosom. How would any mother have felt; how would any
mother’s heart beat and soul faint within ’em as they plodded
away on a donkey, knowin’ that the swiftest horses of the
king wuz mebby follerin’ clost behind? But it wuz all past
now; under the shade of this noble old tree Mary sot down,
happiness in her tired eyes, ontold relief in the weary heart on
which the Child leaned.

I believe they laid down there under the starry heavens
and went to sleep; mebby the Star shone down on ’em as
they slep’, seein’ they wuz safe now and Herod couldn’t
touch ’em even if he wuz clost to ’em.

Egypt, blessed be thy turf and thy skies forever more,
since thou hast sheltered the Lord!

And while back in Jerusalem the blood-thirsty soldiers
wuz rushin’ to and fro seekin’ for the young Child that they
might destroy him, and in his palace King Herod lay in
troubled sleep under the close-drawn curtains of the royal
couch, slaves watchin’ outside the room, slaves watchin’ his
fearful thorn-strewn pillow, the little Child that he feared
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 263

and sought to destroy, slept with the clear midnight sky
bendin’ over his sweet slumber, its matchless blue curtain
looped up with stars, hung with the great silver night lamp
of the crescent moon. His bed-chamber the broad plains
and mountains and valleys of the world which should yet
own his peaceful sway. His guard the shining angels that
had flown down to herald His coming on the fields of Bethle-
hem. Sleep well, little Child, with thy kingdom outstretched
about thee, the hull grief-smitten world, upon which thou
wast to lay thy hands and heal its woes and wounds. The
divine clothin’ itself in the sad garments of humanity that it
might lift it up into heavenly heights.

Well, we stayed there quite a spell. Robert, I could see,
felt a good deal as I did and so did Dorothy; I read in her
sweet eyes the tender light that meant many things. But
Miss Meechim had doubts about the tree. She looked all
round it, and felt of the low, droopin’ branches and looked
clost at the bark. She is a great case for the bark of things,
Miss Meechim is, you know some be. They will set their
microscopes on a little mite of bark and argy for hours about
it, but don’t think of the life that is goin’ on underneath.
The divine vitality of truth that animates the hidden soul
of things. They think more of the creeds, the outward husks
of things than the inside life and truth. Miss Meechim said
with her eye still on the bark that no tree could live two cen-
turies and still look so vigorous.

But I sez, “‘ Mount Sinai looks pretty firm and stiddy, and
the Red Sea I spoze looks jest about as red and hearty as it
did when the Israelites crossed it.”

| She wuz examinin’ the bark through her eye glasses, but
she said mountains and seas could stand more than a tree.
And I said I guessed the hand that made a tree could keep it
alive.

And I knew that it didn’t make any difference anyway.
This wuz the road they come and they had to rest anyway,
and it stood to reason they would rest under a tree, and I felt
264 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

that this wuz the tree, though it might have been another one
nigh by. And while Miss Meechim’s mind was all taken up
lookin’ at the bark of that tree, my mind wuz full of this
great fact and truth, that the Child wuz saved from his ene-
mies. And while the kingdom of the wicked king has been
covered and lost from sight under the sands of time for cen-
turies, the kingdom of the Holy Child stands firmer to-day
than ever before, and is broadening and widening all the
time, teaching the true brotherhood of man, and fatherhood
of God. This is the great truth, all the branching creeds
and arguments and isms, they are only the bark.

Nigh by the tree stands a tall piller sixty-four feet high,
covered with strange writin’. As I looked at it I thought I
would gin a dollar bill to have read that writin’, no knowin’
what strange secrets of the past would have been revealed to
me. But I couldn’t read it, it is dretful writin’. Josiah some-
times makes fun of my handwritin’ and calls it ducks’ tracks,
but I thought that if he’d seen this he’d thought that mine
wuz like print compared to it. They say that this is the old-
est obelisk in Egypt, and that is sayin’ a good deal, for
Egypt is full of former greatness old as the hills.

Here in the East civilization begun, and gradual, gradual
it stalked along towards the West, and is slowly, slowly
marchin’ on round the world back to where it started from,
and when the round world is belted with knowledge and
Christianity, then mebby will come the thousand years of
peace, the millennium the Scriptures have foretold, when the
lamb shall lay down with the lion and a young child shall
lead them. I spoze the young child means the baby Peace
that shall bime-by lead the nations along into the World
Beautiful. And there shall be no more war.
CHAPTER XXIII

SAIRO is different from any other city under the
sun, and after you’ve been there when you shet
you eyes and see it agin in memory, the brilliant
colorin’ sheds its picturesque glow over the
brilliant seen. The deep bright blue of the
sky, the splendor of the sunlight, the dazzlin’ white of the
buildings, the soft mellow brown of the desert and the green
of the tropical foliage always comes back to brighten the
panorama.

And the crowds of people from all parts of the world,
each dressed in his and her natural costume, every style of
dress and every color under the sun. And the milds of
bazars, little booths about ten feet square but all runnin’ over
with the richest embroideries, silken fabrics, gold, silver,
amber and everything else gorgeous. Then there is the new
part of Cairo, the broad, long streets lined with magnificent
buildin’s. The great Citadel of Cairo and the Alabaster
Mosque up on a rocky height, six hundred feet above the
city. The Citadel wuz built by Saladin in 1100, most a thou-
sand years ago. Where is Mr. Saladin and his folks? and
his dynasty? All forgot centuries ago, but the work he
thought out is here still. The Mosque is the only building
in the world built of alabaster; it wuz begun by Mehemet
Ali, the great-grandfather of the Khedive. The alabaster
looks like satin, amber and white color, mebby some of my
readers have got a little alabaster box or figger that they
set store by, it is so costly and fine. Then think of a hull
buildin’ three hundred feet square built of it. The ruff is
uplifted by alabaster columns; the alabaster galleries are a
hundred feet above the floor. The gilded dome can be seen

  
266 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

twenty or thirty milds away. The view from the terrace in
front is so beautiful that you don’t want to leave it. The
city lies before you.and a long view of the Nile, rich gardens,
green fields, towering palms, the pyramids standin’ like
ghosts out of the past, Memphis, oldest city of the world.
Turn your head and there is the land of Goshen; how many
times amidst the overwhelmin’ cares of a Jonesville kitchen
have we mentioned “ Land of Goshen,” but solemn now to
look at and contemplate as the home of the patriarchs. Only
two milds off down the Nile is the spot where Napoleon
fought with the Mamelukes and won the Battle of the Pyra-
mids. And jest under you as you look down, you see the ruff
of the Egyptian Museum where the body of Ramesis lays,
once rulin’ with a high hand he and his folks, as many as
a dozen of ’em, over all the land our stranger eyes looked
down on. But now they’re nothin’ but a side show, as you
may say in a museum.

Josiah wuz dretful took with the sights of shops on either
side of the narrow streets of old Cairo and all sorts of trades
bein’ carried on there right out doors: goldsmiths and silver-
smiths makin’ their jewelry right there before you, and Jo-
siah sez: ‘“‘ I lay out to have a shop rigged out doors to hum
and make brooms and feather dusters; and why don’t you,
Samantha; how uneek it would be for you to have your
sewin’-machine or your quiltin’-frames in the corner of the
fence between us and old Bobbett’s, and have a bedquilt or
a crazy blanket draped behind you on the fence. You could
have a kind of a turban if you wanted to; I would lend you
one of my bandannas. I’m goin’ to wear ’em in my bazar
when I rig one up, and my dressin’-gown, and I shall have
Ury wear one and sandals. I can make some crackin’ good
sandals for us all out of shingles, and lace ’em on with col-
ored ribbins. How dressy they will make me look. I shall
lace my sandals on with yeller and red baby ribbin, them
colors are so becomin’ and make my complexion look fairer.
We shall jest coin money out of my bazar, and I shall write
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 26°

to Ury to put in a piece of broom corn, and mebby we shall
make jewelry; we could make some good mournin’ jewelry
out of coal and lam-black.”

Well, I didn’t argy with him, thinkin’ most probable that
he’d forgit it, but Arvilly, who wuz with us, sez: “I guess it
would be mournin’ jewelry in good earnest if you made it;
I guess it would make anybody mourn to see it, let alone
wearin’ it.”

“Wait till you see it,” sez he.

And she sez, “I am perfectly willin’ to wait.”

“ But I shan’t set on the floor as they do here,” sez he,
“T am sorry for some of them poor old men that can’t afford
chairs, and I would be perfectly willin’ to make ’em some
stools if they’d furnish the lumber.”

Sez I, “It’s their way, Josiah, they like it.”

“T don’t believe it,” sez he; ‘‘ nobody loves to scrooch
down flat with their legs under ’em numb as sticks.” But
right whilst we were talkin’ we met a funeral procession.
The head one had hard work to git through the crowd cry-
ing out:

“There is no deity but God! Mohammed is his apostle! ”
Then come some boys singin’ a funeral him; and then the
bier, borne by friends of the corpse and covered by a hand-
some shawl. Then come the hired mourners—wimmen—
for I spoze they think they’re used to mournin’ and can earn
their money better. ’Tennyrate, these screeched and wailed
and tore their hair and beat their breast-bone as if they meant
to earn their money. Then come the relatives and friends.
Of course, they no need to have wep’ a tear, havin’ hired it
done. But they did seem to feel real bad, they couldn’t have
wept and wailed any more if they had been hired to. Josiah
Sez:

“ Samantha, when I’m took, if you hire anybody to mourn
get some better lookin’ females than these. I had almost
ruther die onlamented than to have such lookin’ creeters
weepin’ over my remains; now some fair lookin’ females such
268 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE.

as sister Celestine Bobbett and she that wuz Submit Tewks-
bur a

But I interrupted him by telling him truly that no hired
tears would fall on his beloved face if I outlived him, and no
boughten groans would be hearn. Sez I, “ The tears of true
love and grief would bedew your forward.”

“Well,” sez he, “it would be my wishes.”

As we wended our way along we met several water-
carriers with leather bottles, jest such a one as Hagar took
with her and Ishmael out in the desert, and it wuz on this
same desert whose sands wuz siftin’ in about us every
chance it ‘had that she lay the child down to die and angels
come and fed him. And, also, it bein’ along towards night
we met several shepherds; one wuz carryin’ a tired lamb in
his arms. They wuz patriarkal in appearance and dressed
jest like the Bible pictures. I felt as though I had met Abra-
ham or Isaac onbeknown to them.

Another sight that impressed my pardner fearfully wuz
the howlin’ dervishes—we’d hearn about ’em a sight, and
so we thought we would go and hear ’em howl. By payin’
a little backsheesh (which is money) we got permission to at-
tend one of their religious meetin’s. There wuz a chief or
Sheik, which Josiah always called a “ shack ’’—and I d’no
but he wuz well named—and about twenty or thirty howlers
in long white robes. They made a low bow to the Shack
and then knelt round him in a circle; then they bowed agin
a number of times clear to the floor and begun to sing or
pray. I d’no what you would call it, but the axents wuz
dretful and the music that accompanied it harrowin’ in the
extreme. Then they got up and bowed agin to the Shack
and begun to shake their heads and their arms and their
feet rapid and voylent, all keepin’ time to the music, or what
I spoze they called music, their hair hangin’ loose, their yellin’
fearful, and then they begun to whirl like a top spinnin’
round, faster and faster, whirlin’ and howlin’ and shriekin’ till
they couldn’t howl or whirl any longer. Then the meetin’

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 269

broke up as you may say, they formed a half circle agin
round the Shack, bowed to the ground before him and fell
down perfectly wore out on the floor. I should have thought
they’d died. Why, I couldn’t have stood it and lived nor
Josiah couldn’t; it wuz all we could stand to see it go on.

One day Miss Meechim and I visited an American Mission
School for Arab and Egyptian children, and it wuz from
one of these very schools that one of the Rajahs or native
princes took his wife. She wuz a little donkey driver, and
the teacher of the Mission, liking her and pitying her, got
permission of her mother (a poor donkey driver of Cairo
living in a mud hut) to take the child into her school. When
she wuz about fourteen years old the Rajah, who had ac-
cepted the Christian religion, visited this school, and the little
girl wuz teaching a class of barefooted Egyptian girls, sittin’
on the floor about her.

Who can tell the mysteries of love? Like lightning it
strikes where it will and must. Why should this Prince, edu-
cated in England, a friend of Queen Victoria, who had seen
beautiful women all his days onmoved, why should he fall
in love with this little girl, late a donkey driver in the streets
of Cairo?

I d’no, but so it wuz, and he told the lady in charge of
the school that he wanted to make her his wife. She wuz
greatly surprised, and not knowin’ he wuz what he said he
wuz, asked him polite to go away and select some other
bride. But the next day he come back, sentin his card and
a autograph letter from Queen Victoria, and agin expressed
his desire to marry the bright-eyed little Egyptian.

When the subject wuz broached to her she wep’ and
pleaded not to be sold into slavery, spozin’ that wuz what
it meant. But the Prince made her understand that he
wanted her for his wife, and she consented to be educated in
a fitting manner, and at last the weddin’ took place at the
home of the teacher.

The Prince took his wife to London, where she wuz pre-
270 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

sented at Court, and makes him a good wife, so fur as I
know, and they say she’s dretful good to the poor; ’tenny-
rate the Prince must think a good deal of her, for he pre-
sented every year one thousand pounds to help on the school
where he found his Princess. This story is true and is
stranger than most lies.

I spoze that from that time on all the dark-eyed little
Egyptian maids in that school wuz lookin’ out anxiously to
see some prince comin’ in and claim ’em and make a royal
princess of ’em. But one swallow don’t make a spring;
I don’t spoze there has been or will be agin such a romance.

Josiah said that we must not leave Cairo without seein’
Pharo. Josiah said he felt real well acquainted with him,
havin’ read about him so much. Sez he, ““He wuz a mean
creeter as ever trod shoe-leather and Id love to tell him so.”

They keep him in the Museum of Cairo now, a purpose,
I spoze, ‘to scare folks from doin’ what he did, for a humblier
lookin’ creeter I never see, and hard lookin’; I don’t wonder
a mite at the bad things I’ve hearn tell on him; why, a man
that looked like that wuz sure to be mean as pusley. He
looked as if he wuz bein’ plagued now with every single
plague that fell on him for his cruelty and I d’no but he is. I
wonder that the Israelites got along with him so long as they
did; Josiah wouldn’t have stood it a week, he’s that quick-
tempered and despises the idee of bein’ bossed round, and
how Pharo did drive them poor children of Israel round;
ground ’em right down to his terms, wouldn’t let ’em say
their soul wuz their own, worked ’em most to death, half
starved ’em, wouldn’t give ‘em any rights, not a single right.
But as I sez to Josiah, he got his come-up-ance for his heart-
less cruelty, he got plagued enough and drownded in the
bargain.

He’s a mummy now. Yes, as Josiah sez when he looked
on him:

“You've got to be mum now, no givin’ orders to your
poor overworked hired help in your brick-fields, not lettin’
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLENS WIFE 271

*em have even a straw that they begged for to lighten their
burden. The descendants of them folks you driv round can
stand here and poke fun at you all day and you’ve got to
keep your mouth shet. Yes,” sez he, ‘“‘you’ve got to a place
now where you can’t be yellin’ out your orders, you’ve got
to be mum, for you’re a mummy.”

I didn’t love to have Josiah stand and sass Pharo right
to his face, but it seemed so gratifyin’ to him I hated to break
it up, and I felt towards him jest as he did, and Arvilly and
Miss Meechim felt jest as we did about it; they loathed his
looks, hatin’ what he’d done so bad. But I thought from
what I hearn Robert Strong sayin’ to Dorothy that he had
doubts about his being the real Bible Pharo, there wuz quite
a lot of them kings by the same name, you know. But Miss
Meechim learn him and assured him that this was the very
Pharo who so cruelly tortured the Israelites and who was
drownded by the Lord for his cruelty, she knew it by her
feelings. And she said she was so glad that she had seen
for herself the great truth that the Pharo spirit of injustice
and cruelty wuz crushed forever.

But Robert said that Pharo’s cruelty sprang from un-
limited power and from havin’ absolute control over a weaker
and helpless class; he said that would arouse the Pharo spirit
in any man. That spirit, he said, was creeping into our
American nation, the great Trusts and Monopolies formed
for the enrichment of the few and the poverty of the many;
what are they but the Pharo spirit of personal luxury .and
greed and dominion over the poor?

I knew he was thinkin’ of his City of Justice, where every
man had the opportunity to work and the just reward of his
labor, where Charity (a good creeter Charity is too) stayed
in the background, not bein’ needed here, and Justice walked
in her place. Where Justice and Labor walked hand in hand
into ways of pleasantness and paths of peace. He didn’t say
nothin’ about his own doin’s, it wuzn’t his way, but I hearn
him say to Dorothy:
272 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“The Voice is speaking now to America as it did to
Egypt, Let my people go, out of their helpless bondage and
poverty into better, more just and humane ways, but America
doesn’t listen. The rich stand on the piled up pyramid of
the poor, Capital enslaves Labor and drives it with the iron
bit of remorseless power and the sharp spur of Necessity
where it will. But there must be a day of reckoning; the
Voice will be heard, if not in peace with the sword:

‘For the few shall not forever sway
The many toil in sorrow,
We'll sow the golden grain to-day,
The harvest comes to-morrow.’ ”

But the greatest sight in Cairo and mebby the hull world
is the Pyramaids.

I d’no as I had so many emotions in the same length of
time durin’ my hull tower as I did lookin’ at them immense
structures. It don’t seem as if they wuz made by man; they
seem more like mountains placed there by the same hand
that made the everlastin’ hills. They say that it took three
hundred thousand men twenty years to build the biggest one.
And I don’t doubt it. If I had been asked to draw up speci-
fications I wouldn’t have took the job for a day’s work
less. Why, they say it took ten years to build the road over
which them stuns wuz brought from the Nile, and good
land! how did they ever do it? No hands nor no machinery
that we know anything about at the present day could move
one of them stuns, let alone bringin’ ’em from heaven knows
where. They couldn’t have been got into any boat, and how
did they do it? I d’no nor Josiah don’t. Mebby the sphynx
knows, most probable she duz, but she’s a female that don’t
git herself into trouble talkin’ and gossipin’. Lots of wim-
men would do well to foller her example.

From the first minute we got to Cairo and long enough
before that we had lotted on seein’ the Pyramaids, Josiah had
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 273

talked about ’em a sight, and told me time and agin that he
did want to see the spink, he had got to see the spink.

Sez I, “‘ You mean the Sphynx, Josiah.”

“Yes,” sez he, “the spink; I’m bound to see that. I
want to tell Deacon Henzy and Brother Bobbett about it;
they crowed over me quite a little after they went to Loon-
town to see them views of the spink and the Pyramaid of
Chops. You know I wuz bed-sick at the time with a crick
in my back. I guess they’ll have to quirl down a little when
I tell “em I’ve walked round the spink and seen old Chops
with my own eyes.”

Well, I know lots of folks travel with no higher aim than
to tell their exploits, so I didn’t argy with him. And the
hull party of us sot off one pleasant day to view them won-
ders; they’re only six miles from Cairo. The Pyramaid of
Cheops is higher than any structure in Europe; the Strass-
burg Cathedral is the highest—that is four hundred and sixty
feet, and Cheops is four hundred and eighty feet high. Each
of its sides is seven hundred and sixty feet long above the
sand, and I d’no how much bigger it is underneath. The
wild winds from the desert piles up that sand everywhere it
can; it was blowin’ aginst that pyramaid three or four thou-
sand years before Christ wuz born, and has kep’ at it ever
sense; so it must have heaped up piles about it. The pyra-
maid is made of immense blocks of stun, and I hearn Josiah
explainin’ it out to Tommy. Sez he, “It is called Chops
because the stun is chopped off kinder square.”

But I interrupted and sez, “‘ Josiah Allen, this wuz named
after Cheops, one of the kings of Egypt; some say it wuz his
tomb.”

Miss Meechim sez, “‘ They say it took three hundred
thousand men twenty years to build it,” and she remarked
further, “ How many days’ work this king did give to the
poor, and how good it wuz in him!” And Robert Strong
said :

18
244 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

“ Their work has lasted while the king is forgotten; labor
against capital, labor ahead.”

Dorothy looked dreamily up onto the immense pile and
said nothin’.

Arvilly said if she had a long whitewash brush she would
advertise her book, the “ Twin Crimes,” by paintin’ a drunken
man in a hovel beatin’ his wife and children, whilst America
wuz furnishin’ him with the clubs, and the ‘‘ Wild and War-
like Deeds of Men” in different wild and warlike attitudes.

And little Tommy wonnered if he could climb up on it
and wonnered what anybody could see from the top.

And I looked on it and felt as if I could almost see the
march of the centuries defile by its stubborn old sides, and
I wondered like Tommy what one could look off and see
from. the top, gazing out acrost our centuries so full of won-
ders and inventions, into the glowin’ mysteries of the twenti-
eth century.

Robert Strong said that some thought it wuz built for
astronomical purposes, for there is a passage down three
hundred and twenty feet from the bed rock from which you
can view the sky.

“ And some think,” sez Dorothy, “ it wuz built to meas-
ure distances correctly, it stands true east, north, south,
west.”

And Miss Meechim sez, “I believe it wuz built for re-
ligious purposes: the interior passages have many stones and
symbols that are a mystery to every one unless it is explained
in this way.”

Sez Arvilly, “I believe it wuz made to shet up folks in
that got drunk and acted. Probable there wuz some even
in that fur-off time that made fools of themselves jest as they
do now, and old Chops built it to shet ’em up in, and mebby
he wuz shet up in it, too; mebby he took to drinkin’. I wish
I could have sold him the ‘Twin Crimes’; it would have
aes him a sight, but I wuzn’t born soon enough,” sez she,
sithin’.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 275

Tommy stood back a little, lookin’ up and seein’ some
people half-way to the top, lookin’ like flies on the side of the
meetin’ house, said:

“T wonner, oh, I wonner who made it and what it wuz
made for, and oh, ‘how I do wonner how they ever got them
big stones to the top.”

And I sez to myself, “the child is wiser than any of us.
He don’t try to measure his weak surmises on them great
rocks and problems, but jest wonders at it all, and I thought
I would foller his example, and I felt considerable better
after I gin up.

Robert Strong and Dorothy and Arvilly clumb clear to
the top, helped by Arab lifters and boosters. Arvilly and
Dorothy wuz tuckered when they come down and they both
said they wouldn’t have undertook it if they had known what
a job it wuz, but they said the view from the top wuz wonder-
ful, wonderful! and I spoze it wuz, but I thought I would
ruther hear ’em tell on’t than to go through what they did
gettin’ up and down, and Miss Meechim, I guess, felt so too.

The other two pyramaids in this group wuz smaller than
Cheops and stood not fur away. The Sphynx stands about a
quarter of a mild off, lookin’ off towards the east, facin’ the
risin’ sun. I wonder if she expects the sunrise of civilization
to dawn ag’in into her sight. ’Tennyrate she seems to be
lookin’ out for sunthin’.

There she has sot, meditatin’ all these years. She wuz
old, old as the hills when Christ wuz born. What hain’t them
old eyes seen if she senses anything?

' From Cairo we went to Alexandria, where we made a
short stay; we couldn’t stay long anyway, we had loitered so
on the journey. Here it wuz June. Jerusalem and Bethle-
hem and Nazareth we must visit, and still how could we
hurry our footsteps in these sacred places that our soul had
so longed to see?

Alexandria was considerable interestin’ on several ac-
counts; it wuz the home of Cleopatra, and the home of Hy-
276 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

‘patia, the friend and teacher of women. A smart creeter
Hypatia Theon wuz, handsome as a picter, modest, good
appearin’, and a good talker. ’Tennyrate the rooms where
she lectured on philosophy and how to git along in the world
wuz crowded with appreciative hearers, and I spoze Mr.
Cyrel, who wuz preachin’ there at the time, and didn’t get
nigh so many to hear him, wuz mad as a hen at her for
“drawin’ away the head men and wimmen. ‘Tennyrate she
wuz killed and burnt up some time ago, a-goin’ on two thou-
sand years. Yes, they burnt up all they could of her; they
couldn’t burn up her memory, nor liberty, nor the love of
wimmin for talkin’, and her stiddy practice on’t when she
gits a chance, not bein’ able to. But to resoom:

The evenin’ we got there Josiah looked out of our winder
and see a camel kneelin’ to take on its load, and sez Josiah:
“Tf I could train the old mair to kneel down in front of the
Jonesville meetin’ house for me to git onto her back, how
uneek it would look.”

Sez I coldly, “‘ Then you lay out to go to meetin’ horse-
‘back, do you? And-where should I be?”

“Oh, I might rent a camel for you from some circus;
‘you know what big loads camels can take on, they can carry
a ton or-more, and it could carry you all right.”

‘I despise such talk, I don’t weigh nigh so much as he
makes out. .

But Josiah went on, “I d’no but a camel could carry both
on-us, I wouldn’t add much to the load, I don’t weigh very
hefty.” :

“No,” sez L “ you’re not very hefty anyway.”

“But good land! I knew he couldn’t rent any camel; cir-
cuses need ’em more than we do.

The next day we all went out to see Pompey’s Piller which
we had seen towerin’ up before we landed, all on ’em ridin’
donkeys but me, but I not being much of a hand to ride on
any critter’s back, preferred to go in a chair with long poles
on each side, carried by four Arabs. Pompey’s Piller is
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 27%

most a hundred feet high. Cleopatra’s Needles wuz brought
from Heliopolis. One is standing; the other, which lay for
a long time nearly embedded in the drifting sand, wuz given
as a present by Egypt to America, where it stands now in
Central Park, New York. To see the mate to it here made
us feel well acquainted with it and kinder neighborly. But
we couldn’t read the strange writin’ on it to save our life.
Some say that they wuz raised by Cleopatra in honor of the
birth of her son, Czsarion. But I d’no if she laid out to
write about it so’s I could read it, she’d ort to write plainer;
I couldn’t make out a word on’t nor Josiah couldn’t.

Cleopatra wuz dretful good lookin’, I spoze, and a uni-
versal favorite with the opposite sect. But I never approved
of her actions, and I wished as I stood there by that piller of
hern that I could gin her a real good talkin’ to. I would say
to her:

“Cleopatra,” sez I, “ you little know what you’re a-doin’.
Mebby there wouldn’t be so many Dakota and Chicago
divorces in 1905 if it wuzn’t for your cuttin’ up and actin’ in
B. C. Id say stealin’ is stealin’, and some wimmen think it
is worse to steal their husbands away from ’em than it would
be to steal ten pounds of butter out of their suller. And
that, mom, would shet any woman up in jail as you well know.
And you know, Cleopatra,” sez I, “jest how you went on
and behaved, and your example is a-floatin’ down the River
of Time to-day, same as you sailed down the Sydnus in that,
barge of yourn. And to-day your descendants or influence
posterity sail down the River of Time in picture hats and
feather boas, makin’ up eyes and castin’ languishin’ glances
towards poor unguarded men till they steal their hearts and
souls right out of their bodies; steal all the sweetness and
brightness out of some poor overworked woman’s life, and
if they don’t take the body of their husband nothin’ is said
or done. Good land! what would I care for Josiah Allen’s
body if his love had been stole. I would tell the woman to
take that in welcome sence she had all the rest. But they
278 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

sail along down the River of Life, coquettin’ with weak,
handsome male Antonys, who had better be to home with
their own lawful Octavias. So it goes.” I always hated
Cleopatra's doin’s. And I wondered as I looked dreamily
at that writin’ of hern, if she wuz sorry for her actions now
in that spear of hern, wherever it wuz, and wanted to ondo it.
CHAPTER XXIV

VAFAKE stayed there for some time, and on our way
home a dretful thing happened to me. After
we all got started, sunthin’ happened to one of
the poles of my chair, and with as much mo-
tionin’ and jabberin’ as a presidential election
would call for, they at last got it fixed agin. By that time
the party had all disappeared, and the bearers of my vehicle
started off at their highest speed right acrost ploughed land
and springin’ crops and everything, not stoppin’ for any-
thing.

Where wuz they takin’ me Wuz I to perish in these
wilds? Wuz they carryin’ me off for booty? I had on my
cameo pin and I trembled. It wuz my pride in Jonesville;
wuz I to lose my life for it? Or wuz it my good looks that
wuz ondoin’ of me? Did they want to make me their brides?
I sez to them in agonizin’ axents, “ Take me back instantly
to my pardner! He is the choice of my youth! I will never
wed another! You hain’t congenial to me anyway! It is
vain for you to elope with me for I will never be your
brides!”

But they jabbered and motioned and acted and paid no
attention only to rush along faster than ever.

I then tried a new tact with ’°em. With tremblin’ fingers
I onpinned the cameo pin, and with a noble jester that would
have become Jeptha as he gin his only daughter for a sacri-
fice, I handed it out to’em. And sez I, “If that is what you
want, take it, and then bear me back safely to my beloved
pardner agin.”

But they never touched it. They only jabbered away

  

 
280 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

louder and more fierce like and yanked me along faster than
ever.

Oh, the agony of that time! Dear Josiah, should I never
see thee agin? and the children and the grandchildren?
Hills and dells of lovely Jonesville! Would they never dawn
on my vision more! Would the old mair never whinner
joyfully at my appearance, or Snip bark a welcome?

I thought of all the unfortunate Hebrew wimmen who
would have been neighbors to me then if I had been born
soon enough. Ruth, Esther, Hagar, they all had suffered,
they had all most likely looked off onto the desert, even as
I wuz lookin’ for help, and it didn’t come to some on ’em.
And by this time to add to my sufferin’s, the mantilly of
night was descendin’ over the seen, the tropical night that
comes so swift, so fast, oh, what should I do? Every move
I made, every despairin’ jester only seemed to make ’em
go faster, so it wuz plain to be seen that my help wuz not in
man. I thought of that pillar of fire that had lighted that
sad procession of Hebrews acrost that very desert. And,
like a cool, firm ‘hand, laid on a feverish, restless foretop,
come agin the thought of them three wise men that had
trod that desert waste. No path, no guide to lead ’em, only
the Star, and I sez in my inmost heart:

“That Star hain’t lost its light; it remains jest as bright
and clear to-day as it did then to light true believers acrost
the darkness in the hour of their need.” And jest as plain
as though they wuz spoke to me come these beautiful words:
“T will lift up mine eyes to the hills from whence cometh
my help.”

And I lifted my streamin’ eyes accordin’, for by this time
I wuz cryin’ and sheddin’ tears. I could see by the faint light
in the west that there wuz considerable of a hill on the east
of me, and as my weepin’ eyes wuz lifted in that direction my
heart almost stood still as I beheld all of a sudden a glowin’
star of light shine out of the darkness right on the top of that
hill and rapidly desend in my direction nearer and nearer.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 281

Oh, joy! oh, bliss! it wuz my own pardner with a lan-
tern. His devoted love ‘had bore him back. Settin’ on a don-
key bearin’ a lantern, he looked to me like an angel. It wuz
the star of love, indeed it wuz! the brightest star of earth
come to light my dark pathway. And I bust out:

“Oh, Josiah Allen! you are not one of the wise men,
but you look better to me than any of ’em could.”

And he sez, “It don’t look very pretty for you, after
hangin’ out till this time o’ night, to run the one who has
come way back after you with a lantern, and talk about his
not knowin’ anything.”

“Run you, Josiah,” sez I, “you look more beautiful to
me than words can tell.”

That mollified him and he sez with a modest smile, “I
spoze I am very pretty lookin’, but I worried about you a
sight.”

It seems that they ‘had went on a pretty good jog, and
seein’ my bearers had got belated with me they had took a
short cut acrost the fields to overtake "em. But it was a
eppisode not to be forgot, and I told Josiah not to be sepa-
rated away from me a minute after this. Sez I, “I almost
feel like purchasin’ a rope and tyin’ myself to you for the
rest of the tower.”

Sez he, ‘“ That would make talk, Samantha, but I will
keep my eye on you and not let you git carried off agin;
for the feelin’s I felt when I missed you I would not go
through agin for a dollar bill.”

Well, we soon come up with the rest of the party. It
seemed that they had been talkin’ and havin’ such a good
time they hadn’t missed me for quite a while. But when
they did, Arvilly said Josiah acted some as he did when she
and he pursued me acrost the continent; sez she, “ He acted
like a fool; I knew you couldn’t be fur behind.”

And I sez, “ Arvilly, spiritual things are spiritually dis-
cerned ; love is spiritual and love has to interpret it.”
282 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

“Well,” sez she, “I am glad he found you so soon, for,
to tell the truth, I wuz beginnin’ to worry a little myself.”

Miss Meechim said she thought I had gone into some
shrine to worship.

That was a great idee! off with four Arabs huntin’ a shrine
at that time of night!

The next day we started for Jerusalem by way of Joppa
and Ismalia. It wuz ona fair evenin’, as the settin’ sun made
strange reflections on earthly things, we entered through the
gate into Jerusalem, city of our God. Nineteen centuries
since, the Star moved along through the December night
and stood over the lonely manger in Bethlehem where a Babe
wuz born. The three wise men wuz the first visitors to that
Child. Now fifteen thousand visitors come yearly from every
part of the world to look upon this sacred place where the
Man of Sorrows lived his sorrowful life of good to all, suffered
and died, and the heavenly King burst the bonds of the tomb
and ascended into heaven.

In these streets did sad-eyed prophets walk to and fro,
carrying the message of the coming of the King. They were
stunned by the gain-sayin’ world, jest as it stuns its prophets
to-day, only with different kinds of stuns mebby, but hard
ones. Here they wuz afflicted, tormented, beaten, sawn
asunder for uttering the truth as God made it known to
them, jest as they are to-day, of whom the world wuz not
worthy. Just like to-day. Here after centuries had gone
by, the truth they had foretold become manifest in the flesh.
Jest as it shall be. After hundreds of years had gone by, he
whom the prophets had foretold wuz born in Bethlehem,
and the three wise men, fur apart, knowin’ nothin’ of each
other, wuz warned of his birth and wuz told to foller the Star.
They obeyed the heavenly vision and met on the pathless
desert, as the soul’s and heart’s desires of all good men and
wimmen meet who follow the Star!

Oh, sacred place! to be thus honored. What emotions I
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 283

felt as my own feet trod these roads, my own eyes looked
on these sacred places.

The next morning after our arrival we went up to the
Mount of Olives, and from a tower two hundred feet high
looked down on Jerusalem. The Mount of Olives is a long,
low ridge on the east of the city. The Garden of Gethse-
mane is down on the foot of Olivet near the brook Kedron.
Here eight great olive trees much larger than the rest form
a sacred grove from whose melancholy shadows might well
come that agonizing cry to his disciples for human sympathy
and love:

“ Could ye not watch with me one hour?”

Here did Judas come over the brook Kedron with the
hungry, cruel mob and betray Him with a kiss. It wuz in
this place that our Lord give that glorious promise that
lightens life and death:

“ After I be risen I will go before you.”

Every leaf of the old olive trees seemed trembling and full
of memories of that hour. To the west was the valley of Je-
hosiphet, beyend is the city of the King. Back of you is
Bethany, the home of the friends of Jesus where he tasted
sometimes the human sweets of friendship, in the home of
Lazarus and his sisters, Mary and Martha. A beautiful soul
Mary wuz, and Martha, poor creeter! I’ve always been sorry
for her, workin’ away doin’ the housework when she would
much rather, no doubt, set and listen as Mary did, but some-
body had to be cookin’. So she jest drouged round the
house.

You can see the Dead Sea and the river Jordan, where
our Lord wuz baptized and the Dove descended out of the
gardens of heaven and lit on him, whilst the voice of the
father God spoke, ‘““This is my beloved Son in whom I am
well pleased.”

Not far away from there is Jericho. On the southwest
rises the Hill of Zion, one of the four hills on which Jerusa-
lem stands, As I looked on it I spoke to my pardner al-
284 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

most onbeknown to me, “ Oh, Josiah! how many times we’ve
sung together:

‘* The Hill of Zion yields a thousand sacred sweets,
Before we reach the heavenly fields or walk the golden streets.’

“But,” sez I, “did you ever expect to set your mortal
eyes on’'t?” He wuz affected, I could see he wuz, though
he tried to conceal it by nibblin’ on some figs he had bought
that mornin’.

Miss Meechim wuz all carried away with the seen as the
guide pinted out the different places. Robert Strong and
Dorothy didn’t seem to want to talk much, but their faces
wuz writ over with characters of rapt and reverential emo-
tion.

Arvilly for once seemed to forgit her canvassin’ and her
keen bright eyes wuz softened into deep thought and feeling.
Tommy, who had heard us talkin’ about Herod walling in
that part of the city, wonnered how any man could be so
wicked as the cruel king who killed all the little children,
and he wonnered if there ever wuz another king in the hull
world so wicked.

And my Josiah soothed his childish feelings by assuring
him that all such wicked rulers wuz dead and buried ages
ago.

And so queer is Arvilly’s mind since what she’s went
through that she spoke right up and told Tommy that there
wuz lots of rulers to-day jest as wicked and fur wickeder.
Sez she, “ There are plenty of men in every city in America
that get the right from the rulers of the country to destroy
children in a much worse way than to cut their heads oif.’’

Sez she, “ There are men who entice young children to
smoke cigarettes, drugged on purpose to form a thirst for
strong drink, then enticed into drinking-dives, where good-
ness and innocence are murdered and evil passions planted
and nursed into life, for the overthrowing of all their good-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 285

ness, for the murder of their family’s safety and happiness
and making them the nation’s menace and greatest danger.”

And Tommy wonnered and wonnered what could make
men do so, and so did I.

And Arvilly sez, “ What is cuttin’ off the heads of twenty
or thirty babies compared to the thousands and thousands
of murders that this licensed evil causes every year?”

Tommy’s pretty face looked sad and he sez: “ Why do
good folks let it go on?”

And Arvilly sez, “ Heaven knows—I don’t. But I’ve
cleared my skirts in the matter. There won’t be any inno-
cent blood on my skirts at the last day.”

And Tommy bent his head and looked intently at the
bottom of her dress; and I see my pardner furtively glance
at the bottom of his own pantaloons; he acted guilty.

It is about two milds and a quarter round the city; the
walls are thirty or forty feet high; there are thirty-four
towers on the walls, and the city has eight gates. It has a
population of one hundred thousand, more Jews than any
other race; for according to the Scripture, jest as the Jews
wuz scattered to the four winds of heaven, they have of late
been flocking home to Jerusalem jest as the old prophets pre-
dicted exactly.

During their hours of prayer, many Jews wear phylactrys
bound to their forwards and arms, and Robert Strong said
he saw one nailed to a doorpost.

It is a long, narrer case, shaped some like a thermometer,
with a round hole towards the top of it covered with a lid
which they can lift up and see a few words. of the ancient
parchment inside, some as the little boy had his prayer printed
on the head-board, and on cold nights would pint to it, say-
in’, “ O Lord, them’s my sentiments.”

But these Jews did it to carry out Moses’ command to
bind the words of the law for a sign on their arms, their
heads and their doorposts.

The writing on these phylactrys is so perfect that you
286 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

can hardly believe that it is done with a pen. The Jews
are extremely careful in copying the oracles of God. They
still write copies of their Old Testament Scriptures, and
every page must have jest so many lines, and jest the same
number of words and letters.

Robert Strong said that this was a great proof of the
truth of the Scriptures. Sez he: “ Our Saviour said that
one jot or tittle of the law shall not fail.”

Tommy wanted to know what that meant, and Robert
told him that “jot”? wuz the smallest letter in the Hebrew
alphabet, and “tittle” meant the little horn-shaped mark
over some of the letters.

And I sez: “ I never knew what that meant before.” But
Miss Meechim said she did—she always duz know every-
thing from the beginning, specially after she’s hearn some
one explain it. But to resoom: We went to the Church
of the Holy Sepulchre, where many different religious sects
come to worship. The place where many think the body of
our Lord wuz lain when he wuz taken down from the cross
is covered with a slab worn down by the worshippers, and
in the little chapel round it forty-three lamps are kep’ burn-
ing night and day.

But I felt more inclined to think that the place where
the body of our Lord wuz lain wuz outside the city where
the rocky hill forms a strange resemblance to a human skull,
answering to the Bible description. Near there a tomb, long
buried, has been found lately that corresponds with the Bible
record, which sez: ‘‘ Now in the garden was a new tomb
wherin no man had been lain.” There wuz places in this
tomb for three bodies, but only one had been finished, and
scientists say that no body has ever crumbled into the dust
that covers this tomb. Ruins show that ages back an
arched temple once covered this spot. But what matters
the very spot where his body lay, or from where he ascended
into the heavens. Mebby it can’t be told for certain after
all these years; but we know that his weary feet trod these
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 287

dusty roads. And as we travelled to Bethlehem and Bethany
and Nazareth, his presence seemed to go before us.

It wuz a lovely morning when we left Jerusalem by the
Jaffa gate and went down acrost the valley of Hinnom, up
acrost the hill of Evil Council, and acrost the broad plain
where David fought many a battle and Solomon went about
in all his glory.

We stopped a few minutes at the convent of Mar Elias
to see the fine view. From here you can see both places
where the Saviour wuz born and where he died. It is a very
sightly spot, and I hearn Josiah tell Tommy:

“This is a beautiful place, Tommy; it wuz named after
Miss Elias; her children built it to honor their Mar; and it
ort to make you think, Tommy, that you must always mind
your Mar.”

“Mar?” sez Tommy inquirin’ly, “Do you mean my
mamma or my grandma?”

I wuz glad the rest of the party wuz some distance away
and didn’t hear him. Josiah always jest crowds his explana-
tions, full and runnin’ -over with morals, but he gits things
wrong. I hated to hurt his feelin’s, but I had to tell Tommy
this wuz named, I spozed, from the prophet Elijah, who wuz,
they say, helped by angels on this very spot as he flowed away
from Jezabel; they gin him water and food, such good food
that after eating it he could travel forty days and forty nights
without eating agin.

Jezabel wuzn’t a likely woman at all; I wouldn’t been will-
in’ to neighbor with her.

Rachel’s tomb is a little furder on. It is a long, rough-
lookin’ structure with a round ruff on the highest end on’t.
Christian, Jew and Moslem all agree that this is Rachel’s
tomb. It wuz right here that little Benoni wuz born and his
ma named him while her soul wuz departing, for she died.

I heard Josiah talkin’ with Tommy about “little Ben.”
I hated to have him call him so, but didn’t know as it would
do much hurt this late day. Right about here dwelt Ruth
288 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and Naomi. A sweet girl Ruth wuz; I always thought she
wuz plenty good enough for Boaz, but then I d’no but he
wuz good enough for her. ’Tennyrate, her actions wuz a
perfect pattern to daughter-in-laws.

Here on these sands the giant, Goliath, strode out pom-
pously to be slain by a stun from a sling sent by David when
he wuz a shepherd boy. “ How I wished I had some of them
stuns to slay the evil giants of 1900,” sez I. “Ifa stun could
be aimed at Intemperance and another at the big monopolies
and destroy ’em as dead as Goliath, what a boon it would be.”

And Arvilly sez, “ Where will you git your sling, and
where will you git your Davids? ”

Sez I, “ The ballot is a good sling that could kill °em both
stun dead, but I d’no where I could git any Davids at pres-
ent,” and she didn’t nor Josiah, but I felt in hopes that there
would be one riz up, for always when the occasion demands,
the Lord sends the right man to fill the place.

Well, presently we arrov at Bethlehem (House of Bread).
I mentioned its meaning, and Josiah sez:

“T do hope I’ll get some yeast risin’ here that will taste
a little like yourn, Samantha.”

So little did he dwell on the divine meanin’ that wuz
thrillin’ my heart. House of Bread, sacred spot from which
proceeded the living bread, that if any one should eat he
should never more hunger.

The Church of the Nativity, the place that we sought
first in the village, is the oldest Christian church in the world.
It wuz built by Helena, mother of Constantine, 330 a.p. It
is owned by a good many different sects who quarrel quite
considerable over it, as they would be likely to in Jonesville
if our M. E. church wuz owned too by Baptists and ’Pisco-
palians, etc.

We spoze this church wuz built on the site of the tarven
where our Lord wuz born. Goin’ down the windin’ staircase
we come to the Grotto of the Nativity, which is a cave in the
rock. There are several holy chapels here, but this one
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 289

where they say Christ wuz born is about thirty-eight feet
long and ten or eleven feet wide, and covered inside with
costly carving and sculpture. A star in the floor shows the
place where the manger wuz where the Holy Child wuz born,
a silver star glitters above it and around the star sixteen
lights are burning night and day. All about here the caves
in the rocks are used as stables, specially when the tarvens
are full, as the Bible expressly states they wuz the night our
Lord wuz born. ’Tennyrate, way back almost to the time
He wuz born, historians accepted this spot as the place of His
birth. But as I said more formerly, what if it wuz not this
very spot, or some other nigh by, we know that it wuz in this
little city our Lord wuz born. It wuz of this city that centur-
ies before the prophets said: “And thou, Bethlehem Eph-
ratah, though thou be little amongst the thousands of Judea,
yet out of thee shall he come forth that shall be ruler of
Israel, whose goings forth has been from old everlasting.”
Then and there wuz founded on earth that invisible and
spiritual kingdom so much stronger and mightier than any
visible kingdom that wuz ever thought on. The gorgeous
throne of Herod and the long line of kings and emperors
since him have crumbled into dust, but that lowly cradle in
the stable of Bethlehem is onmoved. The winds and storms
of eighteen hundred years have not been able to blow a
straw away from that little bed where the Baby Christ lay.
The crowns of kings and emperors have disappeared, cov-
ered by the dust of time, but the rays of light that shone
round that Baby’s brow grow brighter and brighter as the
centuries sweep by. The deepest love, the strongest emo-
tions of the hearts of an uncounted host keep that Bethlehem
birthplace green and changeless. The Herods, the Pilates,
the Czsars are dead and buried under the driftin’ centuries,
but our Lord’s throne stands more firm and powerful to-day
than ever before. Hatred, malice, the cross of agony, the
dark tomb could not touch that immortal life. Great mon-
arch and tender, overturnin’ and upbuildin’ empires at will,

19
290 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

blowing away cruel and unjust armies by a wave of his fin-
gers, helping the poor slave bear his heavy burden by pour-
ing love into his heart, wiping the widow’s tears, soothing the
baby’s cries, marking even the sparrow’s fall.

Oh, what a kingdom! foretold by ages, begun on earth
in that little rocky stable that December night in Bethlehem.
And it is secure; it cannot be moved, its white pillers are
enthroned in the secret chambers of the soul.

And how strong and changeless his prime ministers,
Love, Justice and Mercy, are, who carry his messages and do
his will. How quiet and peaceable and yet how strong,
makin’ no fuss and show; but what majesty is writ down on
their forwards as they mirror the will of their Master. How
firm they stand, jest as thev’ve stood for ages; no wobblin’,
no turnin’ this way and that to git adherents and followers.
No, calm and mighty and holy they stand before that sacred
throne jest as they did at Jerusalem beiore Herod and Pilate.

Oh, how many emotions I did have as I stood in that sa-
cred spot, twice as many at least as I ever had in the same
length of time in any other place. I didn’t want to speak,
I didn’t want to see even my dear Josiah. No, I wanted
to be silent, to think, to meditate, to pray “ Thy kingdom
come.” Nigh by in the same grotto is what they call the
tomb of a relation of ourn on both sides. Yes, they say
Adam, our grandpa (removed) wuz buried here. I felt con-
siderable sceptical about that, but Josiah beheld it compla-
cently, and I hearn him say to Tommy:

“Yes, here Adam lays, poor creeter!” And sez Josiah,
puttin’ down his cane kinder hard, “Oh, what a difference
it would have made to Jonesville and the world at large if
Adam had put his foot right down just as I put my cane
to-day, and not let his pardner eat that apple, nor tease him
into eatin’ it, too.”

And Tommy looked at him in wonder, “ Did the apple
make him sick, grandpa?”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH 291

“Yes, Tommy, it made him sick as death, sin-sick, and
he knowed it would.”

“Well, then what made him eat it, grandpa?”

And Josiah said, “ These things are too deep for you to
understand now; when you git a little older grandpa will ex-
plain ’em all out to you.”

And Arvilly sez, “ Pd love to be there when you explained
it, Josiah Allen. Layin’ the blame onto the wimmen, jest
as men do from Adam and Alpha to Omega.”

Sez Josiah, “ We'll walk out, Tommy, and see how it
looks on the outside.”

But Arvilly kept mutterin’ and kinder scoldin’ about it
long after they had departed. “ Why didn’t Adam take the
apple away from her and throw it away? He hankered
after it jest as much as she did, that’s why. Cowardly piece
of bizness, layin’ it all to her.”

And she sniffed and stepped round sort o’ nervous like,
but sweet Dorothy drawed her attention off onto sunthin’
else.

On the pleasant hills about the village shepards could be
seen tendin’ their flocks as they did on the night when the
angels and the multitude of the heavenly hosts appeared to
them bearing tidings of great joy that that night a Saviour
wuz born.

“Glory to God in the highest and on earth peace, good-
will to men.”

We felt that we must see Nazareth, where our Lord’s
early years wuz spent, and we set off on a pleasant day; we
approached it from the north by way of Cana. The road
wuz hard and rocky, but on turning a corner we see the little
town like a city set on a hill, only this wuz on the side of the
hill with hills above it and below it. Nazareth has only a
few hundred houses, but they are white and clean looking,
mostly square and flat roofed. As we drew nigh we see the
tall minaret of a mosque, the great convent buildings and
the neat houses of the village looking out of gardens of figs
292 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and olives with white doves playing about the roofs; there
wuz great hedges of prickly pears and white orange blossoms
and scarlet pomgranites to make it pleasant.

On the road we wuz travelin’ the child Jesus no doubt
often passed in play with other children or at work. I won-
der how he felt as he stood amongst his playmates and if a
shadow of what wuz to come rested on his young heart?
I spoze so, for he wuz only twelve when he reasoned with the
wise doctors.

There is one fountain that supplies the town and always
has, and we see stately dark-eyed wimmen carryin’ tall jars
of water on their heads (how under the sun they ever do it is
a mystery to me; I should spill every drop), but they seem
to carry ’em easy enough. Children often ran along at their
sides, And I knew that in this place the young child Jesus
must often have come with his mother after water.

Stood right here where we stood! what emotions I had
as I thought on’t. Dorothy and Robert looked reverently
about them and dipped their hands in the clear water just
as Joseph and Mary might when they wuz young and couldn’t
look into the futer.

Miss Meechim said she had a tract to home that dealt on
this spot and wished she had brought it, she would have
liked to read it here on the spot.

Arvilly said she wuz glad enough to see that they had
plenty of good, pure water here and didn’t have to depend on
anything stronger. .

And Josiah said in his opinion the water would make
crackin’ good coffee, and he wished he had a good cup anda
dozen or so of my nut-cakes.
CHAPTER XXV

YyRKE visited a carpenter shop which wuz, I spoze,
S, about like the shop of Joseph, lots of different
tools on shelves and nails on the side on’t,
some like Jonesville shops.

But carpenter there has a different meaning
from what it has in Jonesville, it means different kinds of
work, carving, making furniture, plows, shovels, as well as
buildin’ houses. In some such a shop as this our Lord
worked with achin’ back and blistered hands no doubt, for
He worked faithful and stiddy when He wuz subject to his
father, Joseph. I suppose his dress wuz much like other
Jewish peasantry save in one thing he wore, and this wuz the
seamless garment, suggestive, I spoze, of wholeness, holi-
ness. As I thought on’t I instinctively murmured these
words of our poet:

 

 

“The healing of that seamless dress
Is by our beds of pain,
We feel it in life’s care and stress—
And we are strong again.”

I looked up to the brow of the hill whereon this city is
built, and my mind wuz all wrought up thinkin’ of how the
Christ stood up in the synagogue and told for the first time
of his mission in these incomparable words so dear to-day
to all true ministers and lovers of God’s words, and all earnest
reformers from that day down:

“The spirit of the Lord is upon me because he hath
anointed me to preach the gospel to the poor. He hath sent
me to heal the broken-hearted, to preach deliverance to the
294 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

captive, and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty
them that are bruised.”

Oh, what a divine mission! not to the great and lofty and
happy, but to the poor, the broken-hearted, the bruised and
the blind. How his heart yearned over them even as it duz
to-day. And how did the world receive it? Just as Truth
is received to-day, anon or oftener; they thrust Him out of
the synagogue, dragged Him to the brow of this very hill
that they might cast Him off. But we read that He passed
through the midst of them and went his way, just as Truth
will and must. It can’t be slain by its opposers; though
they may turn it out of their high places by force, it will ap-
pear to ’em agin as an accuser.

But oh, what feelin’s I felt as I looked on that very hill,
the very ground where He passed through their midst un-
harmed! I had a great number of emotions, and I guess
Josiah did, although his wuz softened down some and dissi-
pated by hunger, and Tommy, dear little lamb! he too wuz
hungry, so we all went to a little tarven where we got some
food, not over good, but better than nothin’.

The roads all about Nazareth and Jerusalem are very
stony and rocky, so we can see how hard it wuz, in a physical
sense, for our Lord to perform the journeys He did, for they
wuz almost always on foot.

Well, that evenin’ at the tarven in Jerusalem, Miss Mee-
chim and Dorothy and I wuz in the settin’ room, and Dorothy
set down to the little piano and played and sung some real
sweet pieces, and several of the English people who had come
on the steamer with us gathered round her to hear the music,
and amongst them wuz two young gentlemen we had got ac-
quainted with—real bright, handsome young chaps they wuz
—and they looked dretful admirin’ at Dorothy, and I didn’t
wonder at it, for she looked as pretty as a new-blown rose,
and her voice had the sweetness and freshness of a June
mornin’ in it, when the air is full and runnin’ over with the
song of bird and bee, and the soft murmur of the southern
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 295

breeze amongst the dewy flowers. She wuz singin’ old Scot-
tish and English ballads, and more than one eye wuz wet as
she sang about “ Auld Joe Nicholson’s Bonnie Nannie,” and
“Tm Wearin’ Away, Jean,’ and the dear old “ Annie
Laurie.”

Miss Meechim looked worried and anxious, and sez she:
“Oh, how I do wish Robert Strong wuz here. Oh, dear!
what a trial it is to keep young folks apart.”

And I sez: “ What makes you try to? It is jest as nateral
for ’em to like each other’s company as it is for bluebirds
and robins to fly round together in the spring of the year,
and no more hurt in it, as I can see.”

Sez she impressively: ‘‘ Haven’t I told you, Josiah Allen’s
wife, my wearing anxiety, my haunting fear that in spite of
all my efforts and labors Dorothy will marry some one in
spite of me? You know how invincibly opposed I am to mat-
rimony. And you can see for yourself just how much ad-
miration she gits everywhere, and one of those young men,”
sez she, frowning darkly on a handsome young Englishman,
“Tam sure is in earnest. See the expression of his face—
it is simply worship. He would throw himself on his knees
in front of her this minute if there were not so many round.
Oh, why don’t Robert come and protect her?”

Her face looked fairly haggard with anxiety, but even
as I looked the anxious lines wuz smoothed from her worried
face like magic, and I see Robert Strong come in and ap-
proach the group at the piano.

Miss Meechim leaned back in her chair in a restful, luxu-
rious attitude, and sez she: ‘Oh, what arelief! What a bur-
den has rolled off from me! Robert knows just how I feel;
he will protect her from matrimony. Now I can’ converse
with ease and comfort,” and she turned the subject round
on missionary teas and socials and the best way to get ’em up.

The next mornin’ Arvilly didn’t appear to breakfast. I
waited some time for her, for I wanted her to go sightseeing
296 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

with me, and Arvilly wuz as punctual as the sun himself
about gittin’ up in the mornin’, and about as early.

I thought to myself: “Is Arvilly a-goin’ to come up
missin’, as our dear Aronette did?” I wuz agitated. I sent
to her room, but no answer. My agitation increased. I
then went to her room: myself, but my knock at her door
elicited no reply. I then spoke in anxious, appealin’ axents:

“ Arvilly, are you there? And are you sick a-bed? Or
are you dead? Answer me, Arvilly, if either of my con-
jectures are true!”

My axent was such that she answered to once, “I hain’t
dead, Josiah Allen’s wife, and I hain’t sick, only heart-sick.”

Sez I, “ Let me in then; I can’t have you there alone,
Arvilly.”

“T hain’t alone!” sez she. “Grief is here, and ever-
lastin’ shame for my country.”

It come to me in a minute, this wuz the anniversary of her
husband’s death, the day our govermunt’s pardner, the
licensed saloon, had murdered him down in Cuba.

I sez, “ May God help you, Arvilly!”” And I turned onto
my heel and left. But I sent up a tray of good vittles which
wuz refused, and I d’no as she eat a mou’ful that day.

At night I went agin to the door, and agin I hearn the
sound of weepin’ inside.

Sez I, “ Arvilly, let me in; I’ve got a letter for you from
Waitstill Webb.”

Sweet little creeter! She remembered her agony, and
dropped this flower onto the grave of Arvilly’s happiness.
Oh, how she, too, wuz suffering that day, wherever she wuz,
and I wondered as much as Tommy ever did about the few
cents the govermunt received for the deadly drink that
caused these murders and the everlastin’ sorrow that flowed
out of ’em.

Well, Arvilly told me to put the letter under the door,
which I did. But nothin’ more could I git out of her; and
though I sent up another tray of food to her, that too come
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 297%

down untouched; and as I told Josiah, I didn’t know as I
could do anything more for her, as bad as I felt, only to think
of her and pray for her.

“Yes,” sez he, “we will remember Sister Arvilly at the
throne of grace at evenin’ worship.” And after we went to
our room he did make a able prayer, askin’ the Lord to look
down onto the poor heart of our afflicted sister, and send
peace and comfort to her. It wuz a good prayer, but even
in that solemn time come the thought: “If you and other
church-members had voted as you prayed, Arvilly no need
to be shet up there alone with her life agony.”

But it wuz no time to twit a pardner when we wuz both
on our knees with our eyes shet, but when it come my turn
I did say:

“O righteous God, do help good men everywhere to
vote as they pray.”

Josiah said “ Amen” quite loud, and mebby he duz mean
to vote different. He voted license to help Jonesville, most
of the bizness men of the town sayin’ that it would help biz-
ness dretfully to have license. Well, it has helped the under-
taker, the jail and the poorhouse.

Well, the next day Arvilly come down lookin’ white and
peaked, but didn’t say anything about her eclipse; no, the
darkness wuz too awful and solemn to talk about. But she
showed me Waitstill’s letter. In it she said she had been for
several days caring for a very sick woman for half the night,
and at midnight she would go back to the hospital, and
every night for a week she had seen a bent figure creeping
along as if looking for something, payin’ no attention to any-
thing only what he had in the searchin’ eyes of his mind.

It wuz Elder Wessel lookin’ for Lucia, so Waitstill said.
It wuz Love waitin’ and lookin’ out, hoping and fearing.
Poor father—poor.girl! Both struck down by a blow from
the Poor Man’s Club. She writ considerable about Jones-
ville news to Arvilly, knowin’, I spoze, how welcome it would
be, and said she got it from Ernest White.
298 AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Wuz things comin’ out as I wanted ’em to come? My
heart sung a joyful anthem right then and there. Oh,
wouldn’t I be glad to see Ernest and Waitstill White settled
down and happy and makin’ everybody round ’em happy in
the dear persinks of Jonesville and neighbor with ’em!

Ernest White wrote to Waitstill how successful his Help
Union was and how his dear young people wuz growin’ bet-
ter and dearer to him every day.

And we talked about it how he wuz carryin’ everyday
reason and common sense into Sunday religion. Sez Ar-
villy, ““ He teaches young voters that while prayers are need-
ful and necessary, votes are jest as needful, for bad or care-
less votin’ destroys all the good that Christian effort duz,
all that prayer asks for and gits from a pityin’ God. Every
saloon is shet up in Loontown and folks flock to hear him
from as fur off as Zoar and the town of Lyme. He don’t
have standin’-room in his meetin’-house, let alone settin’-
room, and they have got to put on an addition.”

And I sez agin what I had often said before, ‘‘ What a
object lesson Elder White’s work in Jonesville is, and how
plainly it teaches what I have always known, that nothin’
can stand aginst the united power of the church of Christ,
and if Christian folks banded together and voted as they
prayed, the Saloon, the Canteen, the Greedy Trusts, the
licensed house of shame, monument of woman’s disgrace,
would all have to fall.”

“ But they won’t do it,” sez Arvilly in a mad cross axent.
“They'll keep right on preachin’ sermons against wrong
and votin’ to sustain it, if they vote at all. Gamblin’ for bed-
quilts and afghans to git money to send woollen clothin’ to
prespirin’ heathens in torrid countries, while our half-clad
and hungry poor shiver in the cold shadder of their steeples
oncared for and onthought on.”

I sez, “ Don’t be so hash, Arvilly; you know and I know
that the church has done and is doin’ oncounted good. And
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 299

they’re beginnin’ to band themselves together to help on true
religion and goodness and peace.”

“Well,” sez Arvilly, “I should think it wuz time they
did!”

I see a deep shadder settlin’ down on her eye-brow, and
I knowed she wuz a thinkin’ of what she had went through.

Well, the next day we sot out for Paris, via Marseilles.
We had a pleasant trip up the beautiful blue Mediterranean,
a blue sky overhead, a blue sea underneath. Once we did
have quite a storm, makin’ the ship rock like a baby’s cradle
when its ma is rockin’ it voylent to git it to sleep.

I wuzn’t sea-sick at all nor Tommy, but my poor com-
panion suffered, and so did many of the passengers. There
wuz a young chap who wuz the picture of elegance when he
come aboard, and dretful big feelin’ I should judge from his
looks and acts. But, oh, how low sea-sickness will bring the
hautiest head! I see him one day leanin’ up agin the side of
the ship lookin’ yeller and ghastly. His sleek clothes all
neglected lookin’, his hat sot on sideways, and jest as I wuz
passin’ he wuz sayin’ to the aristocratic lookin’ chap he wuz
travellin’ with:

“For Heaven’s sake, Aubrey, throw me overboard!”

His mean wuz wild, and though J didn’t like his words
I made excuses for him, knowin’ that mankind wuz as prone
to rampage round in sickness and act as sparks are to fly
up chimbly. But, take it as a whole, we had a pleasant voy-
age.

We only made a short stay in Marseilles, but long enough
to drive round some and see the most noted sights of the
city, which is the principal seaport of France.

On the northern part is the old town with narrer windin’
streets and middlin’ nasty and disagreeable, but interestin’
because the old Roman ramparts are there and a wonderful
town hall. A magnificent avenue separates the old part from
the new, a broad, beautiful street extendin’ in a straight line
300 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the hull length of the city. Beyend is the Prado, a delight-
ful sea-side promenade.

The new city is built round the port and rises in the
form of an amphitheatre; the hills all round are covered with
beautiful gardens, vineyards, olive groves and elegant coun-
try houses. Just acrost from the harbor is the old chateau
where Mirabeau wuz imprisoned, poor humbly creeter!
but smart. He didn’t do as he’d ort to by his wife, and Mary
Emily realized it and wouldn’t make up with him, though
he argued his case powerful in their lawsuit. But he wuz
a smart soldier and writ quite eloquent things. He stood
for the rights of the people as long as he could, till they got
too obstropulous, as they sometimes will when they git to
goin’. But I presoom he did desire his country’s good. His
poor body wuz buried with pomp and public mourning, and
then a few years after taken up and laid with criminals. But
good land! he’d got beyend it all. He had gone to his place
wherever it wuz, and it didn’t make any difference to him
where the outgrown garment of his body wuz.

But to resoom: The Cathedral is quite a noble lookin’
edifice, built so I hearn, on the spot where a temple once
stood where they worshipped Diana; not Diana Henzy, Dea-
con Henzy’s sister. Josiah thought I meant her when I spoke
on’t, and said the idee of anybody worshippin’ that cranky
old maid, but as I told him it wuz another old maid or bach-
elor maid, as I spoze she ort to be called, some years older
than Diana Henzy. Sez I, “ This Diana wuz a great case to
live out-doors in groves and mountains.” Sez I, “ Some
say she was the daughter of Zeus, and twin of Apollo.”

And Josiah said them two wuz nobody he ever neigh-
bored with.

And I sez, “No, you hain’t old enough.” And that
tickled him ; he duz love to be thought young.

There is a French Protestant church, where the English
residents worship, and churches and synagogues where other
sects meet.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 301

We went to an Arab school, a museum, library and bo-
tanical garden, where we see beautiful native and foreign
trees and shrubs and flowers. It has a splendid harbor, con-
sisting of at least two hundred acres. The manufactures
are principally glass, porcelain, morocco and other ieathers,
soap, sugar, salt, etc., etc. The city has had many ups and
downs, plagues, warfares, sieges and commotions, but seems
quite peaceful now.

Mebby it put its best foot forrerd and tried to behave its
very best because we wuz there. Naterally they would,
comin’ as we did from Jonesville, the pride and centre of the
Universe and America.

But ’tennyrate everything seemed peaceful and com-
posed.

We only stayed there two days of rest and sightseeing
and then rest agin, and then sot sail for Paris.

Our first mornin’ in Paris dawned clear and beautiful.
It was the Fourth of July. ’Tain’t often I do it, but I put
my cameo pin on before breakfast, thinkin’ that I could not
assume too much grandeur for the occasion. The pin wuz
clasped over a little bow of red, white and blue, and in that
bow and gray alpacky dress I looked exceedingly well and
felt. so.

Josiah put on a neck-tie bearin’ all the national colors,
with more flamin’ stars on it, I guess, than we’ve got States,
but I didn’t censure him, knowin’ his motives wuz good.

We all had comfortable rooms in the tarven. Arvilly
wuz dressed in black throughout; I hinted to her she ort to
wear some badge in honor of the day, and she retired to her
room and appeared with a bow made of black lute string
ribbin and crape. I felt dretful. I sez, “ Arvilly, can’t you
wear sunthin’ more appropriate to the occasion? ”’

Sez she, “I know what I am about,” and her looks wuz
such that I dassent peep about it. But mebby she meant it
for mournin’ for her pardner. I dassent ask. Josiah wuz
readin’ his Guide Book as earnest as he ever searched the
302 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Skripters, and he sez, with his finger markin’ the place,
“Where shall we go first?”

Of course, we all wanted to visit the most noted sights
of Paris. And all on us fell in love with the gay, bright, beau-
tiful, happy city—though Josiah fell in with French ways
more than I did, owin’ to his constant strivin’s after fashion.
Why, I didn’t know but he would git to drinkin’ whilst he
wuz there, observin’ the French custom of drinkin’ their
light wines at their meals.

He intimated that he should most probable have cider
on the table in bottles when he got home. “ You know,” sez
he, “that there is a hull box of old medicine bottles to the
barn.”

But [ told him that nothin’ stronger than root beer, made
by my own hands out of pignut and sassparilla, should ever
be sot on my table. But I may see trouble with him in that
way. Whilst we wuz talkin’ about it, I brung up to illus-
trate the principles I wuz promulgatin’, the ivory tankard
Arvilly pinted out to us in the American exhibit.

It wuz a big ivory tankard holdin’ enough liquor to in-
toxicate quite afew. Two big, nasty, wreathin’ snakes (signi-
fyin’ the contents on’t in my mind) dominated one side and
made the handle, and held the laurel wreath surroundin’ it
(signifyin’ office-holders, so I spozed), in its big hungry
mouth. On top of the hull thing stood a rarin’ angry brute,
illustratin’ the cap-stun and completed mission of the whis-
key bottle.

Arvilly talked more’n half an hour to Miss Meechim
about it, and I wuz glad on’t.

But when I brung that up, Josiah waved the subject off
with a shrug of his shoulders in the true French way, though
a little too voyalent.

I had ketched him practicin’ that movement of the shoul-
ders before the glass. He had got-so he could do it first
rate, I had to own to myself, though I hated to see him prac-
tise it so much, mistrustin’ that it wuz liable to bring on his
rumatiz,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 303

And I see in a letter he writ home: “ Be sure, Ury, and
weed the jardin, specially the onions,” and he ended the let-
ler: “ Oh revwar, mon ammy.”

I knowed that it would make Ury crazy as a hen, and
Philury, too, wonderin’ what it meant, but couldn’t break it
up. But speakin’ of “ jardins,”’ we went to several on ’em, the
last one we see the most beautiful seemin’ly of the lot. Jar-
din de Luxemburg Palais Royal, Tuilleries, Acclimation,
Jardin des Plantes. There are hundreds of ’em scattered
through the city, beautiful with flowers and shrubbery and
statutes and fountains and kept in most beautiful order and
bloom at public expense.

And we visited cathedrals, missions, churches, museums,
the sewers, libraries, went through the galleries of the
Louvre—milds and milds of beauty and art, as impossible
to describe as to count the leaves in Josiah’s sugar-bush or
the slate stuns in the Jonesville creek, and as numerous as if
every one of them leaves and slate stuns wuz turned into a
glorious picter or statute or wondrous work of ancient or
modern art. I hain’t a-goin’ to try to describe ’em or let
Josiah try, though he wouldn’t want to, for he whispered to
me there in a sort of a fierce whisper: ‘“ Samantha Allen, I
never want to set my eyes agin on another virgin, if I live
to be as old as Methulesar or a saint.” Well, there wuz sights
on ’em, but they looked real fat and healthy, the most on
“em; I guess they enjoyed good health.

And one afternoon when the sky wuz blue, the sun shone
and the birds sung merrily, we went to that dretful place,
the Paris morgue. There wuz a crowd before the doors,
for the Seine had yielded a rich harvest that mornin’; there
wuz five silent forms, colder than the marble they lay on,
one a young woman with long hair falling about her white
shoulders. Amongst the crowd that pressed forward to look
at that unfortunate wuz a bent, haggard form that I thought
I recognized. But if it wuz a father watching and waiting
in dretful hope and still more dretful fear for the best be-
304. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

loved, I couldn’t tell, for the crowd pressed forward and he
disappeared almost before I saw him. And I too wuz agi-
tated, for when I catched sight of the clustering hair, the
pretty rounded arms and form, an awful fear clutched my
heart that I trembled like a popple leaf and I see Dorothy
turn white as a sheet and Arvilly and Miss Meechim looked
like them that sees a tragedy and so did Robert Strong and
Josiah.

But a closter look made us know that it wuz no one
that we ever see. It wuz not the dear one who wuz in our
hearts day and night, it wuz not our sweet Aronette and it
wuz not Lucia. Poor father! doomed to hunt in vain for
her as long as his tremblin’ limbs could carry him to and
fro under foreign skies and the sun and stars of his own
land. Poor seekin’ eyes, turnin’ away at the very last from
visions of green pastures and still waters to look once more
down the sin-cursed streets of earth for his heart’s treasure!
Dying eyes, dim with a black shadow, blacker than the
shadow of the Valley, cast from Agony and Sin, sold to the
crazed multitude for its undoing by sane men for the silver
of Judas. Love stronger than life, mightier than death, never
to be rewarded here. But we read of a time of rewards
for deeds done in the body. At whose dying beds will these
black forms stand, whose shadows torment humanity, to
claim their own and go out with them to their place they
have prepared here for their soul’s dwelling? Hard question,
but one that will have to be answered.

Robert Strong and Dorothy wanted to visit the Pan-
theon; specially the tomb of Victor Hugo. It is a great
buildin’ with a dome that put me some in mind of our own
Capitol at Washington, D. C. It is adorned with paintings
and statutes by the most eminent artists and sculptors, and
the mighty shades of the past seem to walk through the
solemn aisles with us, specially before the statute of Victor
Hugo. I felt considerable well acquainted with him, havin’
hearn Thomas J. read his books so much. And as I stood
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 305

there I had a great number of emotions thinkin’ what Victor
had went through from his native land from first to last:
abuse, persecutions, sent off and brung back, etc., and I
thought of how his faithful “‘ Toiler of the Sea” went through
superhuman labors to end in disappintment at last. And
Jean Valjean, the martyr, seemed to walk along in front of
me patiently guardin’ and tendin’ little Cossette, who wuz to
pierce his noble, steadfast heart with the sharpest thorn in the
hull crown of thorns—ingratitude, onrequited affection, and
neglect.

And we stood before the Column Vendome and medi-
tated on that great, queer creeter, Napoleon. Who but he
would think of meltin’ the cannons he had took in battle from
his enemies and makin’ a triumphal monument of ’em a hun-
dred and forty feet high, with his own figger on top.

20
CHAPTER XXVI

7K ELL, Miss Meechim wanted to see the Goblin
tapestry, so we visited the Goblin manufactory.
These tapestries are perfectly beautiful, four-
teen thousand shades of wool are used in their
construction. What would Sister Sylvester
Bobbett say? She thought the colors in her new rag carpet
went ahead of anything, and she didn’t have more’n fourteen
at the outside, besides black and but-nut color. But fourteen
thousand colors—the idee!

Yes, we rid through the marvellously beautiful streets
under triumphal arches and more warlike ones and visited
all the most beautiful sights in the city and the adjacent
country, and who do you spoze I met as I walked along in
the Bois de Boulogne? It wuz the Princess Ulaly. The rest
of our party wuz some little distance off and I wuz santerin’
along charmed with the beauty about me when who should
I meet face to face but Ulaly. Yes, it wuz Ulaly Infanty.

I wuz highly tickled, for I considered her a likely young
woman and sot store by her when I met her to home at the
World’s Fair. She knowed me in a minute and seemed as
glad to see me as I wuz her, and I sez to her most the first
thing after the compliments wuz passed, “ Who would have
thought, Ulaly, when we parted in Chicago, U. S., that the
next time we should meet would be in Paris? ”

“Yes, indeed!” sez she, “ who would have thought it.”
And I went on to say, for I see she looked real deprested:

“ Ulaly, things hain’t come out as I wanted ’em to; I felt
real bad about it after your folks sold their jewelry to help
discover us, I dare presume to say they have been sorry

 

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 30%

time and agin that they ever found us, and I wouldn’t blame
em, for as Josiah sez to me:

“ * Where would we be to-day if it hadn’t been for Colum-
bus? Like enough we shouldn’t been discovered at all.’ Sez
he, ‘Most probable we should be Injins.’ But don’t lay it
to Josiah or me, Ulaly, we hain’t to blame, we didn’t do a
thing to bring on the trouble. Of course we remembered
the Maine some, we had to, and your folks couldn’t blame
us for it. Josiah and me felt real provoked and mortified to
think that after folks had gin their jewelry to discover us
they should blow us up in that way. But I sez to Josiah,
‘ Because three hundred are sent onprepared into eternity it
hain’t no reason three thousand should be.’ We are great
cases for peace, Josiah and I be, and would have managed
most any way, even been run on some and imposed upon a
little ruther than to have rushed into the onspeakable hor-
rors of war.

“ And I don’t want you to blame William, either; he held
onto the dogs of war with both hands a tryin’ to hold ’em in.”

“ William?” sez she inquirin’ly.

“Yes, William McKinley, our President. He jest held
onto them dogs till they wuz likely to tear him to pieces, then
he had to leggo. Them dogs wuz jest inflamed by havin’
yellow literatoor shook in their faces, and yells from greedy
politicians and time servers, till they wuz howlin’ mad and
would have barked themselves blind if he hadn’t leggo. But
he didn’t want to, William didn’t, he wanted peace dread-
fully.” And she said real sweet, that she knew he did.

“Well, it turned out jest as it did, Ulaly. But I think
just as much of you as I did before you lost your propputy,
and I d’no as the propputy Uncle Sam got hold of in the
dicker is a goin’ to do him much good, not for quite a spell
anyway. There is such a thing as bein’ land poor, taxes are
heavy, hired help hain’t to be relied on and the more you
have the more you have to watch and take care on, though
of course it is a pleasure to a certain set of faculties and
308 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

some particular bumps in your head, to own a path as you
may say, most round the world, steppin’ off from California
to Hawaii and then on to the Philippines, ready to step off
from there, Heaven knows how fur or when or where. It
is a pleasure to a certain part of your mind, but other parts
of your head and heart hold back and don’t cheer in the pro-
cession. But howsumever, Ulaly, that is neither here nor
there. I hope your folks are so as to git round. I wuz sorry
enough to hear that you and your pardner don’t live agree-
able. But though it is a pity, pardners have had spats from
Eden to Chicago and I d’no but they always will. The trou-
ble is they take pardners as boons instead of dispensations,
and don’t lean hard enough on scripter.

“ But this is not the time or place for sermons on how to
be happy, though married. How is Christina and Alfonso?
I’m afraid he’s gittin’ obstropolous, and I d’no but Christina
will have to give him a good spankin’ before she gits through.
Of course, spankin’ a king seems quite a big job to tackle,
and of course he’s pretty old for it. But it don’t do to let
children have their heads too much. One good spankin’
will strike in truth when reams of sermons and tearful ex-
postulations will fail. You might just mention to Christina
what I’ve said, and then she can do as she wants to with fear
and tremblin’.”

But I see my folks passin’ down a distant path, and I sez:
‘“T will now bid you adoo, Ulaly, as time and Arvilly and Jo-
siah are passin’ away.” She bid me a real pleasant good-by,
and I withdrawed myself and jined my folks.

One day the hull of our party visited Fontainbleu and
went through the apartments of kings and queens and popes
and cardinals. The rooms of Napoleon wuz full of the thrill-
ing interest that great leader always rousted up, and always
will, I spoze, till history’s pages are torn up and destroyed.
And in the rooms of Marie Antoinette we see the lovely costly
things gin to this beautiful queen when the people loved her,
and she, as she slept under the beautiful draperies gin by
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 309

the people, never dreamed, I spoze, that the hands that
wrought love and admiration into these fabrics would turn
on her and rend her.

But Marie didn’t do right. Carelessness, oppression, neg-
lect of the people’s rights, a few grasping the wealth of the
nation while the people suffer and starve, weave bloody col-
ors into the warp and woof of life from Paris to New York
and Washington, D. C., and so on to Jonesville. And we
went through the apartments of Louis Philippe, Francis L.,
Louis XIII, etc., and Madam Maintenon’s apartments and
Diana de Poyter’s, and seen her monogram decorating the
apartment interwoven with the king’s. I hated to see it,
but couldn’t do nothin’ to break it up at this late day. Miss
Meechim walked through these apartments with her nose
in the air, having sent Dorothy into the garden with Robert
Strong and Tommy, and Arvilly wouldn’t cross the thresholt,
and I didn’t blame her, though havin’ my lawful pardner by
my side I ventered.

But Arvilly led off into the beautiful gardens, where we
found her settin’ with Robert Strong and Dorothy and
Tommy by the fountain.

We wanted to explore the forests of Fontainbleu, but
only had time for a short drive through it, but found it most
picturesque and beautiful what we see of it.

Bein’ such a case for freedom, Arvilly wanted to see the
Column of July riz up on the site of the old prison of the
Bastile. And I did, too. I felt considerable interested in
this prison, havin’ seen the great key that used to lock up the
prisoners at Mount Vernon—a present to our own George
Washington from that brave Frenchman and lover of liberty,
Lafayette.

A brave man held in lovin’ remembrance by our country,
and I spoze always will be, as witness his noble statute gin by
our school children to France this present year. That his
statute and G. Washington’s should be gin to France by
America, and ‘that Josiah Allen’s wife and Josiah should
310 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

also be permitted to adorn their shores simeltaneous and to
once, what a proud hour for France! Well might she put
her best foot forrerd and act happy and hilarious!

But to resoom: The last afternoon of our stay in Paris,
Arvilly and I went to see the Column of July, accompanied
by my pardner, Miss Meechim and Dorothy havin’ gone to a
matinée, and Robert Strong havin’ took Tommy with him
to see some interestin’ sight. And I had a large number
of emotions as we stood there and thought of all the horrows
that had took place there, and see way up on top of the
lofty column the Genius of Liberty holdin’ in one hand the
broken chains of captives and holdin’ up in her other hand
the torch of liberty.

But I methought to myself she’s got to be careful, Lib-
erty has, or that torch will light up more’n she wants it to.
Liberty is sometimes spelt license in France and in our own
country, but they don’ mean the same thing, no, indeed!
We hung round there in that vicinity seein’ the different
sights, and Josiah took it in his head that we should take our
supper outdoors; he said he thought it would be real roman-
tic, and I shouldn’t wonder if it wuz. ’"Tennyrate, that is one
of the sights of Paris to see the gayly dressed throngs happy
as kings and queens, seemin’ly eatin’ outdoors. Lights shinin’
over ’em, gay talk and laughter and music sparklin’ about
em.
Well, Josiah enjoyed the eppisode exceedingly, but it
made it ruther late when we started back to the tarven
through the brightly lighted streets and anon into a more
deserted and quiet one, and on one of these last named we
see a man, white-headed and bent in figger, walkin’ along
before us, who seemed to be actin’ dretful queer. He would
walk along for quite a spell, payin’ no attention to anybody
seemin’ly, when all at once he would dart up clost to some
young girl, and look sharp at her, and then slink back agin
into his old gait.

Thinkses I is he crazy or is he some old fool that’s love
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 311

sick. But his actions didn’t seem to belong to either of the
classes named. And finally right under a lamp post he
stopped to foller with his eager eyes a graceful, slim young
figger that turned down a cross street and we come face to
face with him.

It wuz Elder Wessel—it wuz the figger I had seen at the
morgue—but, oh, the change that had come over the poor
creeter! Hair, white as snow; form, bowed down; wan,
haggard face; eyes sunken; lookin’ at us with melancholy
sombry gaze that didn’t seem to see anything. Josiah
stepped up and held out his ‘hand, and sez: “ Elder, I’m glad
to see you, how do you do? You don’t look very rugged.”

He didn’t notice Josiah’s hand no more than if it wuz
moonshine. He looked at us with cold, onsmilin’, onseein’,
mean, some like them same moonbeamss fallin’ down on dark,
troubled waters, and I hearn him mutter:

“T thought I had found her! Where is Lucia?”’ sez he.

The tears run down my face onbeknown to me, for oh
the hunted, haunted look he wore! He wuz a portly, hand-
some man when we see him last, with red cheeks, iron-gray
hair and whiskers and tall, erect figger. Now he had the
look of a man who had kep’ stiddy company with Death,
Disgrace, Agony and Fear—kep’ company with ’em so long
that he wuz a stranger to anybody and everybody else.

He hurried away, sayin’ agin in them same heart-breakin’
axents: ““ Where is Lucia?”

Arvilly turned round and looked after him as he shambled
off.

“Poor creeter!”’ sez she. Her keen eyes wuz full of
tears, and I knowed she would never stir him up agin with the
sharp harrer of her irony and sarcasm if she had ever so good
achance. Josiah took out his bandanna and blowed his nose
hard. He’s tender-hearted. We knowed sunthin’ how he
felt; wuzn’t we all, Dorothy, Miss Meechim, Arvilly, Robert
Strong, Josiah and I always, always looking out for a dear
little form that had been wrenched out of our arms and
312 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

hearts, not by death, no, by fur worse than death, by the two
licensed Terrors whose black dretful shadders fall on every
home in our land, dogs the steps of our best beloved ready
to tear em away from Love and from Safety and Happiness.

From Paris we went to Berne. I hearn Josiah tellin’
Tommy: “It is called Burn, I spoze, because it got burnt
down a number of times.”

But it hain’t so. It wuz named from Baren (bears), of
which more anon. Robert Strong had been there, and he
wanted Dorothy to see the seenery, which he said was sub-
lime. Among the highest points of the Bernise Alps and the
Jungfrau and the Matterhorn, which latter peak is from
twelve to fourteen thousand feet high. Good land! What
if I had to climb it! But I hadn’t, and took comfort in the
thought. Deep, beautiful valleys are also in the Oberland,
as the southern part of the Canton is called, the Plain of
Interlaken being one of the most beautiful.

There are several railways that centre in Berne, and it
stands at the crossroads to France and Germany. And
though it is a Swiss city, it seemed much more like a Ger-
man one, so Robert Strong said. The people, the signs, the
streets, the hotels and all, he said, was far more like a German
city than a Swiss one.

It is quite a handsome city of about fifty thousand in-
habitants, with straight, wide streets and handsome houses,
and one thing I liked first-rate, a little creek called the Gassel,
has been made to run into the city, so little rivulets of water
flow through some of the streets, and it supplies the foun-
tains so they spray up in a noble way.

Josiah sez: “ If Ury and I can turn the creek, Samantha,
so it will run through the dooryard, you shall have a foun-
tain right under your winder. Ury and I can rig up a statter
for it out of stuns and mortar that will look first-rate. And
I spoze,” sez he, “the Jonesvillians would love to see my
linimen sculped on it, and it might be a comfort to you, if I
should be took first.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 313

“No, Josiah,” sez I, “not if you and Ury made it; it
would only add to my agony.”

We had quite a good hotel. But I see the hired girl had
made a mistake in makin’ up the bed. Mebby she wuz ab-
sent minded or lovesick; ’tennyrate she had put the feather
bed top of us instead of under us.

As Josiah laid down under it he said words I wouldn’t
have had Elder Minkley heard for a dollar bill, and it didn’t
nigh cover his feet anyway. What to do I didn’t know, for it
wuz late and I spozed the woman of the house had gone to
bed and I didn’t want to roust her up. And I knew anyway
it would mortify her dretfully to have her help make such a
mistake. Good land! if Philury should do such a thing I
should feel like a fool. So I had Josiah git up, still talkin’
language onfit for a deacon and a perfessor, and I put the
bed where it belonged, spread the sheets over it smooth,
put my warm woollen shawl and our railway rug on it and
made a splendid bed.

The food wuz quite good, though sassage and cheese wuz
too much in evidence, and beer and pipes and bears. I always
kinder spleened aginst bears and wuz afraid on ’em and
wouldn’t take one for a present, but it beat all how much they
seem to think of bears there, namin’ the place for ’em to start
with, and they have bears carved and painted on most every-
thing. Bears spout water out of their mouths in the foun-
tains, they have dead ones in their museums, and they have
a big bear den down by the river where great live ones can
growl and act all they want to. And bears show off in a
wonderful clock tower they have built way back in the ’lev-
enth century. I never see Tommy so delighted with any-
thing hardly as he wuz with that, and Josiah too. Every
hour a procession of bears come out, led, I believe, by a roos-
ter who claps his wings and crows, and then they walk round
a old man with a hour glass who strikes the hour on a bell.
But the bears lead the programmy and bow and strut round
and act.
314 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

The manufactures of Berne are mostly cloth, silk and
cotton, straw hats, etc. It has a great university with seventy-
three professors. Good land! if each one on ’em knowed a
little and would teach it they ort to keep a first-rate school.

And it also uses a Referendum. Arvilly disputed me when
I spoke on’t; she thought it wuz sunthin’ agin ’em, but it
hain’t. It helps the people. If they don’t like a law after it
passes the legislature they have a chance to vote on it. And
it keeps ’em from bein’ fooled by politicians and dishonest
statesmen. I approve on’t and Arvilly did when she got more
acquainted with the idee. I wish America would get hold
of one, and I guess she will when she gits round to it, though
Arvilly don’t believe they will. Sez she: “ Our statesmen
ruther spend their time votin’ on the length of women’s hat-
pins,and discuss what a peril they areto manhood.” Sez she:
“Why don’t they vote agin men’s suspenders? Everybody
knows a man could hang a woman with ’em, hang ’em right
up on the bed post.” Sez Arvilly: “ Why not vote, that men
shall fasten their trousers to their vests with hook and eyes,
they are so much less dangerous?”’ But I don’t spoze they
ever will. It is a job to fasten your skirt to your waist with
‘em. But they are real safe and I wish men would adopt
’em. But don’t spoze they will, they hate to be bothered so.

Another thing I liked first-rate there and Arvilly did,
the corporation of the city is so rich it furnishes fuel for its
citizens free. Arvilly sez:

“Catch the rich corporations of our American cities fur-
nishin’ fuel for even the poorest. No; it would let °em burn
up their old chairs or bedsteads first, or freeze.”

“Well,” sez I, “ mebby our country will take pattern of
the best of all other countries when she gits round to it;
she’s been pretty busy lately.”

And Arvilly sez, “She had better hurry up before her
poor are all starved or friz; but as it is,” sez she, “ her states-
men are votin’ on wimmen’s hat-pins whilst Justice lays flat
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 315

with her stillyards on top of her and Pity and Mercy have
wep’ themselves sick.”

America is good, her charities are almost boundless, but I
think some as Arvilly that Charity hain’t so likely lookin’ or
actin’ as Justice, and Robert Strong thinks so too. But it
is a great problem what. to do for the best in this case. Meb-
by Solomon knew enough to grapple with the question, but
Josiah don’t, nor Arvilly, though she thinks she duz. Robert
Strong is gittin’ one answer to the hard conundrum of life,
and Ernest White is figurin’ it out successful. And lots of
other good and earnest souls all over the world are workin’
away at the sum with their own slates and pencils. But oh,
the time is long! One needs the patience of the Sphinx to set
and see it go on, to labor and to wait. But God knows the
answer to the problem; in His own good time He will reveal
it, as the reward of constant labor, tireless patience, trust and
prayer. But to resoom forwards: One of the picturesque
features of the older part of Berne is that the houses are
built up on an arcade under which runs a footpath.

But its great feature is the enchantin’ seenery. It stands
on a peninsula and the view on mountain and river is most
beautiful.

From Berne we went direct to the city of Milan in Italy.
And we found that it wuz a beautiful city eight or nine milds
round, I should judge, with very handsome houses, the cathe-
dral bein’ the cap sheaf. I’d had a picture on’t on my settin’
room wall for years, framed with pine cones and had spent
hours, I spoze, from first to last lookin’ at it, but hadn’t no
more idee of its size and beauty than a Hottentot has of ice
water and soap stuns.

From every point of view it is perfect, front side, back
side, outside and inside; specially beautiful are the gorgeous
stained glass winders in the altar.

Robert Strong and Dorothy and all the rest of the party
but Josiah and me and Tommy clumb up to the biggest
tower, three hundred and thirty or forty feet, and they said
316 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the view from there wuz sublime and you couldn’t realize the
beauty of the cathedral until you saw it from that place where
you seemed to stand in a forest of beautifully carved white
marble. But I sez to ’em, “I can believe every word you
say without provin’ it.”

I never could have stood it to clumb so high, but they
said you could see way off the Appenines, the Alps, Mont
Blanc, the Matterhorn, a wonderful view. The cathedral
is full of monuments to kings and queens and saints and high
church dignitaries. Its carving, statuary, fret work is bevend
description. It is said to be the most beautiful in the world
and I shouldn’t wonder, ’tennyrate it goes fur, fur beyend
the M. E. meetin’-house in Jonesville or Zoar or Loontown.

Milan has beautiful picture galleries, and Miss Meechim
and Arvilly and I wuz restin’ in one one day, for we wuz tired
out sightseein’, when a young man and woman swep’ by, both
on ’em with glasses stuck in their eyes, richly dressed and she
covered with jewels, and their wuz a maid carryin’ wraps
and a cushion, and a man carryin’ two camp-chairs, and a tall,
slim tutor follerin’ with a little boy.

I d’no as the Queen of Sheba and Mr. Sheba could have
travelled with any more pomp if they had took it into their
heads to come to Jonesville the Fourth of July. They didn’t
seem to be payin’ any attention to the pictures, though they
wuz perfectly beautiful. There wuz a group of titled people
that had been pinted out to us, and their eyes wuz glued on
them, and they seemed to be kinder followin’ ’em round.
They gin Miss Meechim a cool, patronizin’ nod as they went
by, and she gurgled and overflowed with joy over it.

She said they wuz the Mudd-Weakdews, of Sacramento,
Rev. Mr Weakdew’s only child, and they wuz on their way
home from Paris; he had married Augusta Mudd, a million-
airess. “ They are so exclusive, so genteel!” sez Miss Mee-
chim, “they will not associate with anybody but the very
first. He wuz a college mate of Robert’s and so different
from ‘him,” sez she.
Q

“g1f aseg—urplyyy ur Azapped ammyord aya ysta smapyeoAA-PPYYAL 241

 

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 81%

“Yes,” sez I, in a real dry tone, ‘‘ I spoze he is, he looks
different anyway.”

“He is engaged in the same occupation Robert is,” sez
Miss Meechim, “and he would no more do as Robert does
than he would fly. He keeps his workmen down in their
place. Now Robert sells them land at a cheap rate and en-
courages a building association amongst the workmen, so
most all of them own their own houses and gardens, and they
cultivate fruits and flowers, making their homes look more
like.a genteel, wealthy person's than a laborer’s; it makes
them independent as you please, heads right up, lookin’ you
right in the face, as if they wuz your equals. Mudd-Weak-
dew don’t let them own an inch of land; they live in tenements
that he owns and they pay high rents. The houses are labor-
ers’ rooms, not genteel and comfortable as their employer’s.
He says that he makes as much out of the rent of these
houses as he does from his factory, for I must say that Rob-
ert’s workmen do more work and better. But the Mudd-
Weakdews live like a prince on a broad, tree-shaded avenue
with a long row of tenement houses on the alley back of it,
separated from the poor, and what I consider a genteel,
proper way.

“ Of course his workmen complain that they do all the
work and he lives in a palace and they in a hovel, that he is
burdened with luxuries and is hoarding up millions, whilst
they labor through their half-starved lives and have the work-
house to look forward to. So unreasonable! How can the
poor expect the genteel pleasures of the wealthy, and when
their houses are low and old and the walls mouldy and
streets narrow and filthy and no gardens, and ten or fifteen
in one room, they ought not to expect the comfort and pure
air of four people in one great house set in a park. But such
people can’t reason.”

“Who is the fourth?” sez I coldly, for I despised her
idees.

“They have a little girl older than Augustus and very
318 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

different from him. Little Augustus is naturally very aris-
tocratic and they encourage him to look down on the tene-
ment children and be sharp to them, for they know that he
will have to take the reins in his ‘hands and control rebellious
workmen just as his pa does now, and conquer them just as
you would a ugly horse or dog.”

“How is the little girl different?” sez I in cold, icy
axents.

“Oh, she is a perfect beauty, older than Augustus and at
boarding-school now. She is the idol of their hearts—even
the workmen love her, she is so gentle and sweet. Her
parents adore her and expect that she will unite them to the
nobility, for she is as beautiful as an angel.

“Little Augustus was terribly frightened just before we
sailed, his grand-pa told me; one of them impudent work-
men who had been sick and out of work for a spell rushed
up to little Augustus, who was feeding cakes to his pony and
Italian greyhound, and demanded him to give him some. The
man’s fierce looks was such that Augustus dropped the cakes
and ran away to his tutor. The man had the impudence to
pick up the pieces and rush away with them, muttering that
his own boy was dying for want of food, while this boy was
throwing it away. What business was it to him, I would like
to know. The man was turned off, I believe. Mudd-Weak-
dew will stand no impudence; he builds up a wall of separa-
tion between himself and them that can’t be broke down, just
as he has a right to.”

Sez I, “ Mebby it can’t be broke down, but the wrongs
and sufferin’s of one class is apt to react on the other.”

“But it cannot here,” sez she, “for Mudd-Weakdew is
not like Robert, mingling with his workmen, breaking down
the wall of separation, that always has and I believe always
should exist between the genteel wealthy and the poor.”

“Well,” sez I, “ time will tell.” And she went on.

“You ought to see the elegance of their house, thirty
house servants and Robert has only two; and won’t let them
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 319

be called servants; he calls them helpers. Oh, they are so
genteel! they mingle with the very first, and Robert might.
do just so, but he actually seems happier amongst his work-
men trying to make them happier than he does with the titled
aristocracy. Mudd-Weakdew would no more mingle with
his workmen as Robert does, than he would fly.”

I murmured onbeknown to myself, “ The poor received
‘Him gladly;” ‘“ Except ye do these things ye cannot be my
disciples.” And I sez to Miss Meechim, “‘ How would the
Mudd-Weakdews receive the carpenter’s Son if he should
stop at their gate some afternoon while they wuz givin’ a
garden party to nobility. If Jesus should enter there with his
chosen companions, the fishermen and the poor, all dusty
from weary walks and barefooted; if he should look through
their luxury to the squalid homes beyend with reproach and
sorrow in his divine face, how would they greet him?”’

Miss Meechim said she didn’t really know, they wuz so
very, very exclusive, but she felt that they would act genteel
anyway. “And,” sez she, “they worship in a magnificent
church built by millionaires and used by them almost ex-
clusively, for of course poor people wouldn’t feel at home
there amongst the aristocracy.”

But Arvilly said—I guess she had to say it—‘‘ Yes, they
kneel and worship the Christ they crucified while they trom-
ple on his teachings; hypocrites and Pharisees, the hull ca-
boodle on ’em, Rev. Weakdew and all!” I d’no but Arvilly
wuz too hash, but mebby my groans spoke as loud as her
words; I felt considerable as she did and she knowed it.

“Oh!oh!” Miss Meechim fairly squeeled the words out,
“ Rev. Weakdew is very thoughtful and charitable to the poor
always. I have wept to hear him tell of their home above,
right in with the rich you know, mingling with them; I
have heard him say it, exclusive as he and his family is, and
how after starvation here how sweet the bread of life would
seem to them.”

“In my opinion,” sez Arvilly, “he better spend his
320 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

strength tryin’ to feed ’em on earth; when they git to that
country the Lord can take care on em.”

“Oh, he always has a collection taken up for the poor,
Christmas and Easter, and his congregation is very charitable
and give largely in alms and make suppers for the poor,
Christmas, almost as good as the wealthy enjoy.”

Sez Arvilly, “ You can’t put out the ragin’ fires of a vol-
cano with a waterin’ pot; it will keep belchin’ out for all of
that little drizzle; that seethin’ kaldron of fire and ashes
would have to be cleaned out and the hull lay of the land
changed in order to stop it. What good duz it do to scatter
a few loaves of bread to the hungry while the Liquor Power
and the mills of Monopoly are grindin’ out hundreds and
thousands of tramps and paupers every year?”

Sez Miss Meechim, “ the poor ye shall always have with
you.”

“We don’t read,” sez Arvilly, “of Martha Washington
having to feed tramps nor labor riots and strikers in the time
of Jefferson. No, it wuz when our republic begun to copy
the sampler of old nations’ luxury, aristocracy and enormous
wealth for the few and poverty and starvation for the many.
Copyin’ the old feudal barons and thieves who used to swoop
down on weaker communities and steal all their possessions,
only they gained by force what is gained now by corrupt leg-
islation. Anybody would think,” sez Arvilly, “that as many
times as that sampler has been soaked in blood, and riddled
by bullets, our country wouldn’t want to foller it, but they
do down to the smallest stitch on’t and how can they hope
to escape their fate? They can’t!” sez Arvilly.

“ But,” I sez, “ they can’t unless they turn right round in
their tracts. But I am a good deal in hopes they will,” sez I;
“T am hopin’ that Uncle Sam will foller my advice and the
advice of other wellwishers of the human race—I see signs
on’t.”

“Well,” sez Arvilly, “ you have fursightener specs than
I have, if you can see it.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 321

And I sez, “ You lay your ear to the ground, Arvilly, and
you'll hear the sound of a great approachin’ army. It is the
ranks of the Workers for Humanity with voice and pen, with
wealth and influence, the haters of hate, lovers of love, break-
ers of shams and cruelties in creeds, political and social life
and customs. Destroyers of unjust laws, true helpers of the
poor. It is them that try to foller Christ’s mission and give
liberty to the bound, sight to the blind. That great throng
is growin’ larger, every hour, the stiddy, stiddy trom-
plin’ of their feet sounds nearer and nearer.” And I sez in
a rapt way, “ Whilst you are listenin’ to ’em, Arvilly, listen
upward and you'll hear the sound of wings beatin’ the air.
The faint music, not of warlike bugles, but the sweet song of
Peace. It comes nigher, it is the white winged cohort of
angels comin’ down to jine the workers for humanity and
lead ’em to victory, and their song is jest the same they sung
when Christ the Reformer wuz born, ‘ Peace on earth, good-
will to men.’ ”

Sez Miss Meechim, “I guess you hear the crowd on the
avenue going home, and it is really time to go; it would not
look genteel to stay longer.”

I looked at her, and through her, and smiled a deep
forgivin’ smile for I thought she wuz a foreigner, how could
she understand.
CHAPTER XXVII

     

  

oy 4N the centre of the city of Milan is an artificial
lake where the Milanise dearly love to go out
in beautiful pleasure yots, and in the winter it
serves for a skating rink. Milan is noted for its
charitable institutions, which owns property to
ie amigunt of forty or fifty millions; it isa honor to her. It
has flourishing colleges, lyceums, observatories, gymna-
siums, famous libraries, institutes and schools of all kinds,
and the Academy of Fine Arts is celebrated all over the
world. It has a beautiful triumphal arch, begun in 1807 and
finished in 1838. They take their own time, them old Milan-
ise do, but when their work is done, it is done.

Josiah thought most probable they worked by the day.
Sez he, “ Men are most always more shiftless when you pay
by the day.”

It has very fine public gardens, and one day we went
to the Campo Santo. It is a beautiful spot; they say it has
the finest sculpture and statuary in the world. We spent
some time wandering around, resting our eyes on the beau-
tiful marble forms on every side.

They wuz a quiet crowd, too; jest as calm and silent as
them they kep’ watch over.

Some of the most celebrated pictures in the world are to
be seen in the picture galleries at Milan, the Marriage of
Mary and Joseph, by Raphael, is considered the most valua-
ble. We went to see the fresco of the Lord’s Supper, by
Leonardo da Vinci, on the walls of an old convent. But the
wall is crumbled and the picture is faded and worn; besides
artists have tried to retouch it with just about as much suc-
cess as Josiah would have if he undertook to paint the sky

 

ee oY
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 323

indigo blue, or Ury tried to improve a white lily with a coat
of whitewash. But we loved to look on it for what it wuz
before Time’s hand had laid so heavy on it and artists had
tried to protect it.

_ We wuz in Milan over Sunday and so we went to the
Cathedral to service, and agin I realized its marvellous beauty
and magnitude. Its ruff is supported by fifty-two columns,
and it has eight thousand life-sized statutes inside and out-
side, plenty enough for comfort even if it wuz over-fond of
statutes.

The Lazaretto, once used as a plague hospital, is now used
as an apartment-house for the poor; it has one thousand two-
roomed apartments in it, a city in itself.

Napoleon, ambitious creeter! wuz crowned king of Italy
in Milan. And I guess old Charlemaigne himself wuz, ’tenny-
rate a good many kings here had the iron crown set on their
forwards. I d’no what made ’em have iron crowns, though
Josiah said it would be real handy sometimes. He said if a
king wuz in a hurry, and you know they are sometimes in a
dretful hurry to be crowned before their heads are took off,
it would be real handy, for they could take the rim to a stove
griddle, and stand up some velvet pints on it and it would fit
most any head. He also spoke of a coal-scuttle.

But I said that I guessed they used iron to show that
crowns are so heavy and bore down on their heads so.

We visited Lake Como, Dorothy specially wantin’ to see
the palace of Carlotta. Poor, broken-hearted Carlotta, whose
mind and happiness wuz destroyed by the shot that put an
end to Maximilian’s brave, misguided life.

Poor Maximilian! poor Carlotta! victims of the foolish
ambitions of an empress, so they say. I wuz glad to throw
the blossom of a pitying thought onto their memory as I
passed her house, opposite Belajio, thinkin’ that it wuz befit-
tin’ a American to do so. Tears stood in Dorothy’s eyes
as we recalled the sad tragedy.

Lake Como deserves all that has been said of it, and more
324 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

too. The slopes of the mountains are dotted with vineyards,
hamlets and beautiful villas. And we see many little cabins
where the familys of organ-grinders live. Mebby the wife
and children lived here of some swarthy creeter that I’ve fed
offen my own back steps in Jonesville for grindin’ out music
for the children.

It is only a journey of eight hours from Milan to Venice,
and Verona is about half way. And it is almost like travellin’
through a mulberry grove. The valley of Lombardy is a
silk-producing country and the diet of silkworms is mulberry
leaves and the trees also serve as handsome props to the
grape vines that hang from tree to tree.

Fur off, like cold, sad thoughts that will come in warm
happy hearts, we see the snow-capped mountains, and bime
by it grew so cold that we wuz glad and grateful when we had
cans of hot water handed to us at the station.

Josiah thought they wuz full of hot coffee and proposed
to once that we should take some to meetin’ with us in Jones-
ville to warm our feet. Sez he, “ How delightful it would be,
Samantha, to take a good drink of hot coffee in meetin’.”

“ Yes,” sez I, “it would look nice to be drinkin’ in meet-
in’.”

“Oh,” sez he, “ I mean to do it sly; I could scrooch down
and pretend to be fixin’ my shues.” But it proved to be
nothin’ but hot water in the cans, but real comfortable to our
feet. And the mulberry groves put Josiah in mind of another
innovation that might be made in Jonesville ways.

Sez he, “ These silk raisers git rich as mud and jest see the
number of caterpillars we have to hum; they might jest as
well be put to work on sunthin’ that will pay as to be eatin’
up young squashes and cowcumbers for us to plant over.”
Sez he, “ Their work is worse than wasted on us.”

Sez I, “ These silkworms hain’t like our caterpillars, Jo-
siah.”

“Well, they may make silk of a different color, but who
cares for that when diamond dyes are so cheap, and if we
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 325

wanted red silk we could try feedin’ em on red stuff, beets,
and red russets and such. Why,” sez he, “ with Ury’s help
I could start a caterpillar bizness that would be the makin’
of me. And oh, how I would love to robe your figger,
Samantha, in silk from my own caterpillars.”

“Well, well,” sez I, “let’s not look ahead too much.”
Sez I, “ Look there up the mountain side and see the different
shades of green foliage and see what pretty little houses that
are sot there and see that lovely little village down in the
valley.”

So I got his mind off. The costooms of the peasant wim-
men are very pretty, a black bodice over a white chemise with
short full sleeves and bright colored shirts, and hat trimmed
with long gay ribbons.

The men wear short, black trousers, open jackets and
gay sashes, broad-brimmed white hats with long blue ribbons
streamin’ down. Josiah sez to me admirin’ly, “ How such
a costoom would brighten up our cornfield if I and Ury ap-
peared in ’em.”

Sez I, “ Ury would git his sash and hat ribbons all twisted
up in his hoe handle the first thing.”

“ They might be looped up,” sez Josiah, “ with rosettes.”

We read about travel bein’ a great educator, and truly
I believe that no tourist ever had any more idees about
graftin’ foreign customs onto everyday life at home than
Josiah Allen did. Now at Lake Como where we see washer-
women at their work. They stood in the water with their
skirts rolled up to their knees, but they still had on their
white chemisettes and black bodices laced over them and
pretty white caps trimmed with gay ribbins.

And Josiah sez, ‘“ What a happy day it would be for me
and Ury if we could see you and Philury dressed like that
for the wash-tub; it would brighten the gloom of Mondays
considerable.”

Well, they did look pretty and I d’no but they could wash
3826 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the clothes jest as clean after they got used to it, but I
shouldn’t encourage Philury to dress up so wash-days.

And it wuz jest so when we see on Lake Como its swarm
of pleasure gondolas glidin’ hither and yon with the dark-
eyed Italian ladies in bright colored costooms and black lace
mantillys thrown over their pretty heads and fastened with
coral pins, and the gondoliers in gay attire keepin’ time to
the oars with their melogious voices. Josiah whispered to
me:

“What a show it would make in Jonesville, Samantha, to
see you and me in a gondola on the mill-dam, I with long,
pale blue ribbins tied round my best beaver hat and you with
Mother Allen’s long, black lace veil that fell onto you,
thrown graceful over your head, and both of us singin’
‘Balermy’ or ‘ Coronation.’ How uneek it would be!”

“ Yes,” sez I, “it would be uneek, uneeker than will ever
come to pass.”

“ Well, I d’no,” sez he, “ Ury and me could make a crackin’
good gondola out of the old stun boat, kinder hist it up in
front and whittle out a head on it and a neck some like an old
gander’s. We could take old High Horns for a model, and
we could make good oars out of old fish-poles and broom-
handles, and you own a veil, and blue streamers don’t cost
much—nothin’ henders us from showin’ off in that way but
your obstinate sperit.”

But I sez, “I shall never appear in that panoramy, never.”

“Oh, well,” sez he, gayly, “ Jonesville has other females
beside you, more tractable and more genteel. Most proba-
ble Sister Celestine Bobbett and she that wuz Submit Tewks-
berry would love to float in a gondola by the side of one of
Jonesville’s leadin’ men.”

I looked full in his face and sez, “ Has foreign travel
shook your morals till they begin to tottle? Have I got to
see a back-slidden Josiah? ”

Sez he, real earnest, “ You are the choice of my youth,
the joy of my prime of life.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 322%

“Well, then,” sez I, “shet up!” I wuz out of patience
with his giddy idees, and wouldn’t brook ’em.

We laid out to go from Milan to Genoa till we changed
our plans. I thought it wuzn’t no more’n right that we
should pay Columbus that honor, for I always wondered, and
spoze always shall, what would have become of us if we hadn’t
been discovered. I spoze we should have got along some
way, but it wouldn’t have been nigh so handy for us. I pre-
soom mebby Josiah and I would have been warwhoopin’
and livin’ in tepees and eatin’ dogs, though it don’t seem
to me that any colored skin I might have could have made
me relish Snip either in a stew or briled. That dog is most
human.

I always felt real grateful to Columbus and knowed he
hadn’t been used as he ort to be. And then Mother Smith
left me a work-bag, most new, made of Genoa velvet, and
I awfully wanted to git a little piece more to put with it so’s
I could make a bunnet out of it. But Dorothy wanted to see
Verona and her wish wuz law to the head of our party, and
when the head of a procession turns down a road, the rest of
the procession must foller on in order to look worth a cent.
Miss Meechim said that it wuz on her account that he
favored Dorothy so. But it wuzn’t no such thing and any-
body could see different if their eyes wuzn’t blinded with
self-conceit and egotism. But take them two together and
there is no blinders equal to ’em. They go fur ahead of the
old mair’s, and hern are made of thick leather.

Well, Robert thought we had better go on to Venice,
stopping at Verona on the way and so on to Naples, and then
on our way back we could stop at Genoa, and we all give up
that it wuz the best way.

I always liked the name of Verona. Miss Ichabod Lar-
muth named her twins Vernum and Verona. I thought it
would be a real delicate attention to her to stop there, spe-
cially as we could visit Genoa afterwards.

Well, havin’ such a pretty name I felt that Verona would
328 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

be a real pretty place, and it wuz. A swift flowing river runs
through the town and the view from all sides is beautiful.
The fur off blue mountains, the environin’ hills, the green
valleys dotted with village and hamlet, made it a fair seen,
and “ Jocund day stood tip-toe on the mountain tops.”

But to sweet Dorothy and me, and I guess to the most of
us, it wuz interestin’ because Juliet Montague, she that wuz
Juliet Capulet, once lived here. I spoke on’t to Josiah, but he
sez:

“ The widder Montague; I don’t remember her. Is she
any relation of old Ike Montague of North Loontown?”’

But I sez: “ She wuzn’t a widder for any length of time.
She died of love and so did her pardner, Romeo Montague.”

“Well,” said Josiah, “that shows they wuz both sap
heads. If they had lived on for a spell they would got bravely
over that, and had more good horse sense.”

Well, I spoze worldlings might mock at their love and
their sad doings, but to me the air wuz full of romance and
sadness and the presence of Juliet and Romeo.

The house where she once lived wuz a not over big house
of brick, no bigger nor better than Bildad Henzy’s over in
Zoar, and looked some like it.

Josiah said it wuz so silly to poke clear over to Italy to
see this little narrer house when we could see better ones
to home any day.

Miss Meechim said that it didn’t look so genteel as she
expected, and Arvilly made a slightin’ remark about it.

But Robert Strong said kinder low, ‘‘ He laughs at scars
who never felt a wound.” His eyes wuz on Dorothy’s sweet
face as he spoke.

And in her soft eyes as she looked at him I could almost
see the meanin’ of Juliet’s vow, ‘‘ To follow thee, my lord,
throughout the world.”

We didn’t go to Friar Laurence’s cell where Mr. and
Miss Romeo Montague wuz married and passed away, not
knowin’ exactly where it wuz, old Elder Laurence havin’
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE 329

passed away some time ago, but we did go to the place they
call her tomb; we rung a bell in the iron gate, paid a little
fee, and was led by the hired girl who opened the gate to the
place where they say she is buried. But I d’no as this is her
tomb or not; I didn’t seem to feel that it wuz, ’tennyrate the
tomb don’t look much like what her pa said he would raise
above ’em:

“A statue of pure gold; that while Verona by that name
is known, there shall no figure at such rate be set as that of
true and faithful Juliet.” Josiah not havin’ come up to the
mark in the way of sentiment at the house of Capulet, over-
did the matter here; he took out his bandanna, and after
flourishing it enough to draw everybody’s attention to it,
pressed it to his eyes and sort o’ sithed.

But I doubted his grief, though he made such elaborate
preparations for it, and I told him so afterwards. He acted
real puggicky and sez:

“Can’t I ever please you, Samantha? At the widder
Montague’s Pa’s you thought I wuzn’t sentimental enough,
and I thought you would be tickled enough to have me shed
tears at her tomb.”

“ Did you shed tears, Josiah?” sez I.

But he waved the question off and continued, “ The guide
told me that folks usually wep’ some there, and I expected
you all would, you are all so romantik and took up with the
widder Montague and her pardner. I took the lead, but
none of you follered on.”

“ Well,” sez I, “ if you felt like weepin’, Josiah, I wouldn’t
want to break it up, but to me it looked fur more like a
waterin’ trough than it did like a tomb.”

“ Well, you know how it is in the older part of the Jones-
ville buryin’-ground, the stuns are all tipped over anc broke.
Mr. and Miss Capulet have been dead for some time and prob-
able the grave stuns have gone down.”

Well, being kinder rousted up on the subject, I quoted
considerable poetry about Romeo and Juliet, and Josiah bein’
330 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

kinder huffy and naterally hatin’ poetry, and real hungry,
too, scorfed at and made light on me. He kep’ it up till I
Sez:

“William Shakespeare said there wuz Two Gentlemen of
Verona, and I should be glad, Josiah Allen, to think you made
the third one; but a true gentleman wouldn’t make light of his
pardner or slight her reminiscences.”

Sez he: “ Reminescin’ on a empty stomach is deprestin’,
and don’t set well.”

Well, it had been some time sence we had eat, and Tommy.
wuz gittin’ hungry, too, so we returned to the tarven.

In the afternoon we went to see the old Roman amphi-
theatre. It wuz probably built not fur from A.D. Jest think
on’t! Most two thousand years old, and in pretty good shape
yet! It is marble, and could accommodate twenty thousand
people. All round and under it is a arch, where I spoze
the poor condemned prisoners wuz kep’ and the wild beasts
that wuz to fight with ’em and kill ’em for the pleasure of the
populace. Miss Meechim got dretful worked up seein’ it,
and she and Arvilly had words, comparin’ old times and new,
and the different wild beasts they encourage and let loose on
the public. Arvilly’s views, tinged and shadowed as they
always are, by what she’s went through, they both got mad
as hens before they got through.

There are ruins of a large aqueduct near, which wuz
flooded with water, I spoze, for acquatic sports way back,
mebby back to Anna D, or before her. Some say that early
Christians were put to death in this amphitheatre, but it
hain’t very clearly proved.

Well, we only stayed one day at Verona, and the next
day we hastened on to Venice.

Josiah told me that he wanted to go to Venice. Sez he:
“Tt is a place from what I hear on’t that has a crackin’ good
water power and that is always the makin’ of a town, and
then,” sez he, “ I’ve always wanted to see the Bridge of Size
and the Doggy’s Palace.” Sez he: “When a city is good
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 331

enough to rare up such a palace to dogs it shows there is
sunthin’ good ’bout it, and I dare presoom to say there hain’t
a dog amongst ’em any better than Snip or one that can
bring up the cows any better.”

Josiah thinks we’ve got the cutest dog and cat in the
world. He has spent hours trainin’ ’em, and they'll both
start for the cow paster jest the right time and bring up the
cows; of course, the cat can’t do much only tag along after
the dog; she don’t bark any, it not bein’ her nater to, but it
looks dretful cunnin’. Sez Josiah, “ I wouldn’t be ashamed
to show Snip off by the side of any of the dogs in the Doggy’s
Palace.”

Sez I, coldly, ‘‘ How do you spell dogs, Josiah Allen?”

“Why, dog-es, doggys.”

Sez I, “ The palace was rared up by a man—a Doge—the
Doges wuz great men, rulers in Venice.”

“IT don’t believe a word on’t,’ sez he. “It is rared up
for dogs, and I’m thinkin’ quite a little of rarin’ up a small
house with a steeple on’t for Snip. He deserves it.”

Well, there wuzn’t no use in argyin’; I knew he would
have to give up when he got there, and so he did. And it
wuz jest so with the Bridge of Sighs, that has, as Mr. Byron
said, ““ A palace and a prison on each side.”

Josiah insisted on’t that it wuz called the Bridge of Size,
because it wuz the most sizeable bridge in the world. But
it is no such thing; it don’t begin, as I told him, with the
Brooklyn Bridge; why, it hain’t no longer than the bridge
between Loontown and Zoar, or the one over our creek, but
I presoom them who passed over this bridge to execution
gin deep, loud sithes—it wuz nateral they should—so the
bridge wuz named after them sithes.

Josiah said if that wuz fashionable he should name the
bridge down back of the barn the Bridge of Groans, it wuz
such a tug for the horses to draw a load over it. Sez he,
“T almost always give a groan and so does Ury—Bridge of
352 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Groans.” Sez he, “that will sound uneek and genteel in
Jonesville.”

But mebby he won’t do it; he often makes plans he don’t
carry out and he gits things wrong—he did the very first
minute we got there.

We arrove in Venice about the middle of the afternoon,
and as Robert had writ ahead for rooms, a man wuz waitin’
with a sizeable gondola to take us to our tarven.

When Josiah see it drawin’ nigh he sez to me, soty vosy,
““ Never, never, will I ride in a hearse; I wouldn’t in Jonesville
and I won’t in Italy; not till my time comes, I won’t.”

But I whispered back agin to keep still, it wuzn’t a hearse.
But, to tell the truth, it did look some like one, painted black
asacoal. But, seein’ the rest of us embark, he, too, sot sail
init. He didn’t have to go a great ways before it stopped at
our tarven, which wuz once a palace, and I kinder hummed
to myself while I wuz washin’ me and puttin’ on a clean collar
and cuffs:

“°Mid pleasures and palaces though we may roam,”
puttin’ the main emphasis on palaces. But Josiah catched
up the refrain and sung it quite loud, or what he calls singin’:

Be it ever so humbly,
There’s no place like hum.

He looked round the vast, chilly, bare apartment, the
lofty walls, the marble floors, with here and there a rug layin’
like a leaf on a sidewalk, and I kinder echoed it. Sez he feel-
in’ly and sort of plaintively, “ I’d ruther have less ornaments
and more comfort.”

I sez, “ It is very grand and spacious.”

And he sez, “I'd give the hull of the space and throw in
the grandeur for a good big fire and a plate of your nut
cakes.”

But I sez soothin’ly, ‘It is sunthin’, Josiah, to live in a
palace;” and I drawed his attention to the mosaic work on
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 333

the floor, and the massive furniture covered with inlaid work.

And he sez, ‘‘ I’d ruther have less work laid into the fur-
niture and some decent food laid into my stomach.”

Oh, what a appetite that man has got! It had kep’
active all the way from Jonesville around the world and wuz
still up and a-doin’. Well, he can’t help it. He acted real
obstrupulous and onhappy. He has such spells every little
while. I mistrusted and he just as good as owned up to me
that it wuz partly owin’ to his bein’ dressed up all the time;
it wuz a dretful cross to him. Hewears frocks to hum, round
doin’ the barn chores, and loose shues, but now of course he
had no reprieve from night till mornin’ from tight collars and
cuffs and his best shues.

But then, he had restless spells to hum and onhappy ones,
and acted; and I told him he did and he disputed me right up
and down. He didn’t feel very well, anyway; he had told
me that mornin’ early how he pined for Jonesville, how he
longed to be there, and how he didn’t care for a thing outside
of them beloved presinks. And I told him it wuzn’t reason-
able. Sez I, “ Enjoy Jonesville while you are there and now
enjoy Europe whilst you are here.”

Sez he, with a real sentimental look, ‘‘ Oh, Jonesville, how
happy Ill be if I ever see thee agin! How content, how
blessed!”

Sez I, “ You wuzn’t always happy there, Josiah; you oft-
times got restless and oneasy there.”

* Never!” sez he, “ never did I see a onhappy or a tired
day there in my life.”

But he did. He got down-casted there jest as he did here.
I knowed how often I had soothed and comforted his sperits
by extra good meals. But he wouldn’t own up to it, and
seein’ he looked so gloomy and deprested I went to work
and episoded some right there, whilst I wuz comin’ my hair
and dressin’, in hopes that it would bring a more happy and
contented look onto his liniment, for what will not a devoted
pardner do to console her consort?
334 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Sez I, “ Josiah, life is a good deal like the Widder Rice’s
yarn I’ve heard Ma Smith tell on. She wuzn’t a smooth spin-
ner and there would be thick bunches in her yarn and thin
streaks; she called ’em gouts and twits. She’d say, ‘ Yes, I
know my yarn is full of gouts and twits, but when it’s doubled
most likely a gout will come aginst a twit and make it even.’”

And I eppisoded to myself and to Josiah, “ That is a good
deal like life. The good of this world seems onequally
divided some times, but the rich has troubles and the poor
have compensations. The poor man has to git up early
and toil all day, but if he hates to leave his bed so early morn-
ings, his sleep is sweet while he rests, and his labor makes his
food taste good and nourishes his strength, while the rich
man who can lay till noon, turns on his restless pillow and
can’t sleep night or day. And while he has plenty to buy rich
viands he has no appetite to eat or health to digest his food.

“The morning song of the lark sounds sweet to the la-
borer as it rises over the dew-spangled fields, as he goes forth
to his daily toil, while the paid songs the rich man hears palls
on his pleasure-tired senses. At home you have rest of body,
and in travel you have education and variety; yes, the gouts
and twits in life even up pretty well and the yarn runs pretty
smooth offen the reel of Time to the traveller and the stay-
at-home, the rich and the poor.”

Josiah wuz brushin’ his back hair with two brushes (one
would have been plenty enough), and he kep’ on with his
employment and sez without lookin’ up:

“T wonder where the Widder Rice’s grandson, Ezra, is?
He wuz out to the West the last I hearn on him.”

There it wuz! My eloquence had rolled offen him like
water from a tin eavespout ; hadn’t touched him at all nor up-
lifted him, though I felt real riz up. You know you can talk
yourself up onto quite a hite if you try; but Josiah wuzn’t
moved a mite from the place he’d stood on.

Well, that wuz one of the gouts in my yarn of life, but
a twit wuz near by—it had its compensation. He worships
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 335

me! And I went on and eppisoded to myself to bring my-
self up to the mark as I wadded up my back hair. Sez I to
myself: “If Josiah had the eye to see the onseen eagles
soarin’ up in the sky above his head, mebby he would also see
my faults too plain. If he could hear in winter midnights the
murmur of dancin’ waters and the melogious voice of the
south wind blowin’ over roses and voyalets, he might also
hear the voice of Distrust. If he had the wisdom of Solomon
he might also have his discursive fancies, his various and
evanescent attachments. But as it is, his love is stiddy and
as firm as a rock. So the gouts and the twits evened each
other up after all, and the yarn run pretty smooth.”
CHAPTER XXVIII

SSNHE next mornin’ Tommy wuz delighted with
4 the idee of goin’ in a boat after some hair-pins
for me and a comb for him—he had broke
hisen. It wuzn’t fur we went, and I spoze we
might have walked by goin’ a little furder; but
variety is the spice of life, and it seemed to kinder refresh us.

Floating in a gondola on the Grand Canal of Venice is a
beautiful experience when the soft light of the moon and
stars is restin’ on the stately old marble palaces, the tall pillars
of St. Theodore and the Winged Lion, obelisk and spire.
With other gondolas all about you, you seem to be on a sea
of glory, with anon music from afar coming sweetly to your
ears from some gondola or palace, and far up some narrow
water street opens with long shafts of light flashing from the
gondolier’s lantern or open window. It is all a seen of en-
chantment.

Though if you should foller up some of them narrow
water streets by daylight, you would see and smell things
that would roust you up from your dream. You would see
old boats unloadin’ vegetables, taking on garbage, water-
boats pumpin’ water into some house, wine shops, cook
shops; you would see dilapidated houses with poorly clad
people standin’ in the doorways; ragged, unkempt children
looking down on you from broken windows, and about all
the sights you see in all the poorer streets of any city, though
here you see it from a boat instead of from a hack or trolley
car. Green mould would be seen clinging to the walls, and
you would see things in the water that ortn’t to be throwed
there,

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 33%

Moonlight and memory rares up its glittering walls, but
reality and the searchin’ life of the present tears °em down.
Where are the three thousand warships, the three thousand
merchant ships, that carried the wealth and greatness of
Venice back in the fifteenth century; fifty-two thousand
sailors, a thousand nobles and citizens and working people
according? Gone, gone! Floated way off out of that Grand
Canal and disappeared in the mists and shadows of the past,
and you have to go back there to see ’em.

The Rialto, which we had dremp about, looked beautiful
from the water, with its one single arch of ninety-one feet liit-
ing up six arches on each side. But come to walk acrost its
broad space you find it is divided into narrow streets, where
you can buy anything from a crown to a string of beads,
from macaroni to a china teapot.

The great square of St. Mark wuz a pleasant place on an
evening. Little tables set out in the street, with gayly-
dressed people laughing and talking and taking light re-
freshments and listening to the music of the band, and a gay
crowd walking to and fro, and picturesque venders showing
their goods.

But to Tommy nothing wuz so pretty as the doves of St.
Mark, who come down to be fed at two o’clock, descending
through the blue sky like a shower of snow.

The Campanile or bell-tower towers up more than three
hundred feet above the pavement; way up on the tower two
bronze statutes stand with hammers and strikes off the hours.
Why is it that the doves pay no attention to any other hour
they may strike but when the hour of two sounds out, a win-
dow on the north side of the square opens and some grain is
thrown out to ’em (the Government throws it to ’em, dretful
good natered to think on’t)? But how did them doves know
two from three? I d’no nor Josiah don’t. I had provided
Tommy with some food for ’em and they flowed down and
lighted on him and Dorothy, who also fed ’em; it wuz a pretty
sight. And Robert Strong thought so too, I could read it in

22
338 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

his eyes as he looked at Dorothy with the pretty doves on her
shoulder and white hands.

I got some sooveneers for the children at Venice, some
little ivory gondolas and photographs, etc., and Miss Mee-
chim and Dorothy got sights of things, Venetian jewelry,
handsome as could be, and Arvilly got a little present for
Waitstill and a jet handkerchief pin for herself. She mourns
yet on the inside and outside, yes, indeed! and I d’no but she
always will.

And as you can git a relic of most everything at some of
the shops I told Josiah I would love to git hold of one of them
old rings that the Doges married the Adriatic with. And if
you'll believe it that man didn’t like it; sez he real puggicky:

“T hope you hain’t any idee of marryin’ the Jonesville
creek, Samantha, because it won’t look well in a M. E. sister
and pardner.”

Jealous of the creek! That’s the last thing I ever thought
that man would be jealous on. The idee! I only wanted it
out of curiosity.

We visited the Arsenal, another spot where the greatness
of Venice in the past hanted our memory, when she had
twenty thousand workmen there and now not two thousand.
But we see queer lookin’ things there—suits of armor, cross-
bows, helmets. Josiah took quite a fancy to one wore by
Attila, king of the Huns, and wanted to put it on. Good land!
his head went right up into it just as it would into a big coal-
scuttle. What a mind Mr. Attila must have had if his brains
wuz accordin’ to his head.

And we see infernal machines, thumb screws, spiked col-
lars, and other dretful implements of torture like black shad-
ders throwed from the past. A piece of the boat that the
Doge went to his weddin’ in when he married the water wuz
interestin’; weddin’s always did interest females and males
too, no matter whether the bride wuz formed out of dust or
nothin’ but clear water, and we also see a model of the boat
Columbus sailed in to discover us.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 339

Robert Strong who wuz always interested in the best
things, said that the first newspaper ever published appeared
in Venice three hundred years ago, and the first bank was
started there.

You can walk all over Venice if you want to take the time
to go furder round and cross the bridges and walk through
narrer, crooked little streets, some on ‘em not more’n five
or six feet wide, but the easiest and quickest way is to take a
boat, as well as the most agreeable.

Venice is built on seventy-two islands besides the Grand
Canal which takes the place of our avenues and streets.
There is a charm about Venice that there is not about any
other city I ever see. You dream about it before you see it
and then you dream on and keep dreamin’ as long as you stay
there, a sort of a wakin’ dream, though you keep your senses.

Memories of the past seem to hant you more, mebby it is
because them old memories can slip along easier over them
glassy streets, easier than they can over our hard rocky pave-
ments. ’Tennyrate they meet you on every side and stay
right with you as long as you are there and hant you. As you
float down them liquid roads you seen face to face sweet,
wise Portia, “fair and fairer than that-word;” and gallant
Bassanio who made such a wise choice, and Shylock, the
old Jew. And if you happen to git put out with your pardner,
mebby he’ll find fault with you, and say demeanin’ words
about wimmen or sunthin’ like that, whilst sweet Portia’s eyes
are on you, if you feel like reprovin’ him sharp, then you'll
remember: “ The quality of mercy is not strained, it drop-
peth like the gentle rain from heaven, it blesseth him that
gives and him that takes.”

And so you forgive him. And then beautiful, sad Beatrice
de Cenci will meet you by moonlight in front of some of them
old marble palaces and her pa, about as mean a man as they
make, and his sister, Lucretia de Borgia, that wicked, wicked
creeter. Why, it beats all what mean folks Beatrice’s rela-
tion wuz on her pa’s side.
3840 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

And you thought of any number of queer old Doges,
rainin’ and pizenin’ and actin’, some on ’em, and marryin’ the
Adriatic; a poor match in.my opinion and one that you
couldn’t expect to turn out well, the bride bein’ slippery and
inconstant and the bridegroom mean as pusley, cruel and cun-
ning, besides bein’ jest devoted to the Council of Ten. Queer
works them Ten—made and cut a great swath that won’t be
forgot and they needn’t expect it. The page of history is
sticky and bloody with their doin’s. But they move along in
front of you, the Doges, the Ten and the Three. And any
number of conquerors and any number of Popes and Kings
down to Victor Emanuel.

And I d’no as I thought of anybody or anything there in
Venice so much as I did of John Ruskin, who give even the
stuns of Venice a language that will go on speakin’ long
after the stuns have mouldered back into dust. And then the
dust will keep his memory green, and folks will ponder the
“Ethics of the Dust” long after that dust has passed into
other changing forms and disappeared.

Great mind, great lovin’ heart, who had but one thought,
to make the world more full of beauty, knowledge, sincerity
and goodness. His pure, bright intellect, his life white as the
lilies, his living thoughts and noble idees they rap at the
human heart, as well as mind, with their powerful sesame, and
you have to open your heart’s door and take them in.
Prophet of earth and heaven, the air, the clouds, the birds and
trees, the rocks and waters, translatin’ the marvellous words
so our duller eyes and ears can see and hear.

As I walked along over them stones of Venice, and in the
Galleries of Modern Painters and ancient ones, my heart kep’
sayin’ onbeknown to myself and them round me, “ John Rus-
kin, noble soul, great teacher, childlike, wise interpreter of
the beauty and ministry of common things, hail and fare-
well!” For he had gone—it wuz true that he who had loved
the flowers so and said to a friend who had sent him some:
“T am trying to find out if there are flowers that do not
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 341

fade.” He had found out now, wreathes of heavenly immor-
telles are laid on his tired forward, not tired now, and he
has his chance to talk to Moses and Plato, as he said he
wanted to, and he is satisfied. Love and Sympathy that he
longed for comforts and consoles him, and Beauty and
Goodness wait on him.

Robert Strong felt just as I did about Ruskin, their idees
about helpin’ the poor, and the brotherhood of man, and
fatherhood of God, wuz as congenial and blent together like
sun and dew on a May morning. Robert Strong said no
other writer had done him the good Ruskin had.

And I guess Dorothy thought so too; she almost always
thought jest as Robert did.

In wanderin’ round this uneek city Josiah said the most
he thought on wuz of tellin’ Deacon Henzy and Uncle Sime
Bentley about what he see there. And shadowy idees seemed
to fill his mind about tryin’ to turn the Jonesville creek
through the streets and goin’ from our house to Thomas
Jefferson’s in a gondola.

Arvilly said she would gin anything to canvas some of
them old Doges for the “ Twin Crimes.” But I told her I
guessed they didn’t need to learn anything about crime, and
she gin up they didn’t.

The first thing Miss Meechim wanted to see wuz the
church of St. Mark, so we all set off one day to see it. San
Marco, as they call it, is one of the most interestin’ churches
to visitors on the Continent. It wuz begun way back in the
tenth century, and it has been in process of building ever
since, and I don’t know how long they lay out to keep at
it. They have spent thirty millions on it, so I hearn, and
the news come pretty straight to me, and I d’no but they'll
spend as much agin before they git through. But when
you see all its magnificent sculpture, columns, statutes, mo-
saic work, ornaments of every kind, its grand arches, its
five domes and spires and all the exquisite work on it I d’no
as I’d took the job for any less, and so I told Josiah.
342. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

But he kep’ up his old idee he had voiced in many a sim-
ilar spot, that it wuz done by day’s works and the workmen
didn’t hurry, and that it would have been cheaper to had it
done by the job. But how could they, dribblin’ along as
they did ten hunderd years?

The four horses over the main entrance are very noted.
They are said to have been carved way, way back by Augus-
tus to celebrate a triumph over Antony and to have passed
through the hands of Nero, Constantine and Napoleon.
Napoleon, a greedy creeter always, took ’em to Paris, but
had to bring ’em back.

For horses that are so old and have been driv round and
showed off by so many conquerors, they look pretty sound
and hearty. But Josiah didn’t like their looks nigh so well
as he duz the mair’s, and sez he, “ That off one looks balky.”

But I sez, ‘“ Distance lends enchantment; the mair can’t
begin with ’em.”

The altar piece is said to have cost three million. It is
of gold and silver, and full of precious stuns. It was made
in Constantinople a thousand years ago, and has got inscrip-
tions on it that I presoom read well if anybody could
read ’em. But I couldn’t nor Josiah. But Robert Strong
read some on ’em to Dorothy, for I heard him. They are
writ in Latin and Greek.

When we got back ‘to the tarven that night we found a
hull pile of letters from Jonesville, and amongst the rest I
got a letter from Elder Minkley, good old man of God, and
Arvilly got one too; he sets store by Arvilly now, he and his
wife duz, and they pity her dretfully for what she has went
through, and make allowances for her hashness, but never
shall I forgit the way she talked to him right in my own
settin’ room when she first come home from Cuba after her
husband had been murdered by the licensed Canteen.

She come to our house one day, and Elder Minkley,
good old soul, come in just after she did for a all-day’s visit,
poor creeter! I guess he wuz sorry enough he come, some
‘tHe at [rAsauo [ woods $I9}}9] jo atid TY eB punoj aM UIAI"} 94} OF Yor Jos aM UI AA

  

ig
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 343

of the time; I guess he wished he wuz back in his study per-
usin’ the book of martyrs or anything else deprestin’, and
would have thought ’em fur livelier than what he got into.

The way on’t wuz, Arvilly had met Miss Deacon Sypher
at the gate and she bein’ dretful onfaculized with no more
tact than a settin’ hen, had tackled Arvilly for a contribution
to buy a flag to send to our boys in Cuba, and talked enthu-
siastic about the war’s holy mission. And I spoze Sister
Sypher wuz skairt almost into fits to hear Arvilly go on,
*tennyrate she left her sudden and to once, and started home
cross lots almost on the run, and Arvilly come into the
house talkin’ and mutterin’.

“ Drusilly Sypher knows a sight about it; our army gone
to redress wrongs and protect innocence! they better look to
home and redress wrongs here; half the citizens of this coun-
try in legal bondage, and the hull country cowering under
a crime and danger protected and legalized; if I didn’t want
to make myself a mark for demon laughter I’d quit such
talk till I repented my sins in sackcloth and ashes.”

“ Well, well, Arvilly, set down, set down,” sez I, for she
wuz rampagin’ round the room back and forth, “ set down,
and here,” sez I, handin’ her a bottle, “smell of the cam-
fire, Arvilly, you look bad,” and she did look frightful bad,
pale and fiery, and burnin’ mad at sunthin’ or somebody.

But she waived it off with scorn: ‘“ Camfire can’t heal
the smart, or sweeten the air of the country; no, it needs fire
from on high to burn it out. And it will come,” sez she, “ it
will come.”

Why, she acted real wild and by the side of herself, and
I pitied her like a dog, and wuz at my wit’s end what to say
to her, and I wuz glad enough to see Elder Minkley, good
old saint, comin’ up the steps and I went to open the door
with alacrity and my left hand, my right hand wuz in the
dough, I wuz makin’ fried cakes, and I shook hands with
him the same, and I sez:
344. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE

“ How glad I am to see you this morning, Brother Mink-
ley,” little thinkin’ what wuz to come.

He took off his hat and overcoat and hung ’em up in the
hall and looked in the glass in the hall rack with his mild,
benevolent eyes, and brushed his thin, gray hair up on the
bald spot over his benign forward, and follered me into the
settin’ room, and I sez, “‘ Here is she that wuz sister Arvilly
Lanfear.”

And the good old soul advanced with a warm, meller
smile on his face, and sez:

“How do you do, Sister Arvilly.”

But Arvilly’s eyes snapped worse than ever; she never
noticed his outstretched hand, and she sez, “ Don’t you sis-
ter me.”

“Why! why!” sez he, “ what is the matter?” His wel-
comin’ hand dropped weakly by his side, and bein’ dretful
confused and by the side of himself, he sez:

“T hain’t seen you before sence you—you

“ Deserted from the army,” sez she, finishin’ the sen-
tence for him. “ Yes, I deserted, I am proud to say; I never
had a right before under this nation’s laws and I took that
right; I deserted and they couldn’t help themselves; mebby
them men see how it would feel to grin and bear for once,
just as wimmen have to all the time.”

Brother Minkley had by this time begun to find and re-
cover himself, and he-sez with real good nature, ‘I meant
to say, dear sister, that I hadn’t seen you before since you
lost your husband.”

“ Since you murdered him,” sez she.

““I—I murder a man?” He looked pale and trembled
like a popple leaf.

“Yes, you and all other good men who stood by like
Pilate, consentin’ to his death,” Arvilly went on.

Elder Minkley looked too dazed and agitated to speak,
and Arvilly continued: “Do you pretend to say, Elder
Minkley, that there is an evil law on the face of the earth

2?

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 345

that the Church of Christ couldn’t overthrow if it chose to
do so?”

He sez, “The power of the Church is great, Sister
Arvilly, but no-license laws don’t stop drinking; liquor is
sold somehow; folks that want it will get it.”

“What a argument!” sez Arvilly, liftin’ her eyes to
heaven. ‘‘ But you hain’t answered my question,” sez she,
short as pie crust, mince pie crust, “ Is there an evil law exist-
ing to-day that the Church of Christ could not overthrow
if it tried to?”

“Well, no,” he admitted, “I believe that the Church of
Christ is invincible.”

“Do you vote, Elder Minkley? ”

“Well, no, as it were, Sister Arvilly, I have felt for years
that politics was too vile for me to mix myself with.”

Sez Arvilly, “ Do you believe in following the Lord Jesus
Christ?”

Sez Elder Minkley, his good natured face lighting up,
“My Divine Master; yes, I will follow him to the stake, to
the death, if need be.”

“Did he turn away from sinners and the evils of the sin-
ful world and say they wuz too vile for him to mix with?”

“ [—J—Sister Arvilly—I why—I don’t know what you
mean.”

“Yes, you do know what I mean
agonized Arvilly.

“ By your criminal indifference and neglect, you encour-
age the evil power that rules and ruins.”

Elder Minkley’s face began to look red—red as blood—
and sez he, “ You present the subject in a way I never
thought on before, Sister Arvilly. I will think of it; I will
pray over it.”

“Will you vote as you pray?” sez Arvilly anxiously.

“ T will!” sez Elder Minkley, solemnly, “I will!”

Arvilly come forward and took holt of his hand. Her
stern mean softened; there wuz tears in her keen eyes; she

a”
!

sez the intrepid but
346 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

looked different. Sez she, “ Next Sunday I shall set under
your preachin’, Elder; I hain’t felt like settin’ under it
before.” And, sure enough, she did go to meetin’ the next
Sunday and from that day they have been the best of
friends.

But to resoom forwards: I had a letter from Philury,
she said she wuz all well.

It wuz a letter that brought me some comfort and quite
a lot of care; it wuz some like a peppermint lozenge, con-
siderably sweet with a sharp tang to it, makin’ me think of
the sweetness and repose of home with its accompaniment
of anxiety and labor.

The children writ real good letters to their pa and me,
full of affection and thoughtfulness. Thomas J. told us con-
siderable about the Help Union and the good that Ernest
White and his helpers wuz accomplishing in Loontown and
Jonesville. And Tirzah Ann wanted to know if reveres had
gone out and hoops comin’ in; she had hearn so and felt
anxious. There had been a rumor in Jonesville to that
effect, but she couldn’t place full dependence on it.

Thomas J.’s and Maggie’s letters wuz full of gratefulness
for Tommy’s restored health and what I’d done for him.
No matter what else they said that idee wuz runnin’ along
under the rest of their thoughts, some like the accompani-
ment of a melodean to a sam tune in meetin’. And Tommy
himself had letters from his pa and ma full of love and good
advice, about half and half.

One of the most interestin’ places in Venice is the Doges
Palace, and I spoze Josiah never gin up his idee about it
until we stood right in front of it. But when he see that
marble front, full of noble columns, elaborate carvin’, arches,
balustrades and base reliefs, he had to gin up such a place
as that wuz never rared up to a dog or to any number on’em,
though he said when I convinced him of his mistake: “‘ Snip
wuz too good to mingle with ’em, he was likelier than any
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 347

Doge that ever lived there, no matter whether you spelt
*em dog or doge.”

And I sez soothin’ly: “ Like as not and ’tennyrate how
I would love to hear Snip bark out a welcome to us once
more.”

“Yes,” sez Josiah, “it will be the happiest hour of my
life when I behold Snip and the cat and the children and
grandchildren and the rest of the Jonesvillians once more.”

Here in the marble pavement are two great bronze cis-
terns elegantly sculptured, and you can look up the Grand
Staircase with two statutes at the top on either side, Neptune
and Mars; and that wuz the place where the old Doges wuz
crowned.

On the staircase on each side are beautiful statutes and
columns, elaborate carving and richly colored marbles. The
‘Hall of the Great Council is one hundred and seventy-five
feet long and most a hundred in width, broad enough and
high enough to entertain broader and nobler views than wuz
promulgated there. But it contains costly and beautiful
pictures; one by Tintoretto is eighty-four feet wide and most
forty feet high, the largest picture on canvas in the world
so I’ve hearn, and others by Paul Veronese and the other
great masters.

All round the wall, like a border in a Jonesville parlor,
are the portraits of the Doges of Venice in their red robes
and round-topped caps. But where Marino Faliero should
have hung wuz a black curtain. Well, he wuz a mean cree-
ter; it is a good thing he can be shut out with a curtain.
Josiah said he thought it would be a crackin’ good plan to
have a black curtain hung before the pictures of some of our
public men, but Arvilly said, in a real dry tone, that “If we
begun that it would bring up the price of black cloth enor-
mously.”

She mourns yet quite a good deal in her best dresses, and
looked ahead, and didn’t want the price of crape and bom-
bazine riz.
348 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Among the pictures of these old Doges wuz one who led
the army in an attack on Constantinople at the age of ninety-
seven, when most old men are bedrid with a soap-stun and
water gruel. And Francesco Foscari, who.worked nobly
for thirty-five years and wuz then abused shameful by the
Ten and turned out of office.

Them old Doges had their ups and downs; riz up to
power, throwed down agin. Mean as the Old Harry, some
on ’em, and some workin’ well for the public. And some
after servin’ the public for years wuz banished, some be-
headed, some had their eyes put out, one died of vexation,
one who wuz deposed died when the bell rung in his suc-
cessor. A few died in battle, but only a few on ’em passed
away in their beds after a lingerin’ and honorable sickness
with their one wife and children weepin’ about ’em.

You can see the open place in the wall where the written
complaints wuz put aginst somebody or anybody, guilty or
innocent, and wuz pretty sure to be acted upon by the dretful
Ten settin’ there in their black robes and black masks, fit
color for their dark and cruel deeds.

We went down to see the dungeons, dark, cramped, filthy
holes in the solid wall: only a little light sifted in from the
corridor through a narrow slit. It seemed as if them places
wuz so awful we couldn’t bear to look at “em. But we went
down into still deeper dungeons way below the canal, dret-
ful places where you can’t hardly draw a breath. We see
dim traces of writings on the walls some wretched prisoner
waitin’ for death had writ there. How did he feel when
he writ it? I didn’t want to know, nor have Josiah know.

We didn’t make a very long stay in Venice, but jour-
neyed on to Florence—Florence the beautiful. It lays in a
quiet, sheltered valley with the Apennine Mountains risin’
about it as if to keep off danger. The river Arno runs
through it, spanned by handsome bridges. The old wall
that used to surround it with its eight gates, has been de-
stroyed some years ago,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 349

As I say, it is a beautiful city, although it wuz more grand
and populous when it wuz the capital of Italy. Dorothy
said it was well named the City of Flowers, for there wuz
flowers everywhere, the markets full of ’em, flower girls at
every turn, balconies and windows overrunning with them,
public gardens and private gardens sweet with their bright-
ness and perfume.
CHAPTER XXIX

fA HIE next morning after we arrived at Florence
we sallied out sightseeing. We all went out
together, but separated after a while, promis-
ing to meet at luncheon time at our tarven,
but we all went together as fur as the Cathe-
dral. It is a noble buildin’, covered with red, white and
black marble, elegantly ornamented with panels and sculp-
ture. And the hull meetin’-house is so beautiful, that it wuz
remarked that “it ort to be kep’ in a glass case.”

Inside, the ceiling is one hundred and thirty-five feet
high—good land! I told Josiah I wuz glad I did not have to
whitewash or paper it overhead, for it ’most killed us Meth-
odist Episcopal sisters to paper our meetin’-house ceilin’
which wuz only twenty feet high, and put a hundred and
fifteen feet on top of that and where would we be, we never
could done it in the world. The interior is full of statutes
and pictures by Michael Angelo and other great sculptors
and famous painters.

The Campanile or bell tower near it is most three hun-
dred feet high, and a beautiful view is to be seen from the
top way off onto the fur-off mountains, the city and the val-
ley of the Arno, or that is I hearn so; I didn’t climb up
myself to see, bein’ more’n willin’ to take Dorothy’s word
and Robert Strong’s to that effect.

The bronze doors in the Baptistry are a sight to see.
Michael Angelo said they wuz worthy to be the gates of
paradise, but I could tell Mr. Angelo, and would if he had
said it to me, that he little knew how beautiful them gates
are and we ortn’t to compare anything earthly to ’em. Jest
think, Mr. Angelo, I’d say, of an immense gate being made

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 351

of one pearl, the idee! we can’t hardly git into our heads
any idees here below, and never will till the winds of heaven
blow aginst our tired senses and brighten ’em up.

But I wuzn’t neighbor to Mr. Angelo; he died several
years before I wuz born, four or five hundred years before,
so of course I couldn’t advise him for his good. He lost a
sight and never knowed it, poor creeter!

The Ufizzi and Pitti galleries contain enough pictures
and statutes tomake’em more’n comfortable, I should think;
beautiful pictures and beautiful statutes I must say. One of
the most interestin’ things to me in the hull collection wuz
the original drawings of the old masters with their names
signed to ’em in their own handwritin’. It wuz like liftin’
up the mysterious curtain a little ways and peerin’ into the
past. Michael Angelo’s sketches in chalk and charcoal;
Titian’s drawings, little buds, as you may say from which
they bloomed into immortal beauty; Rubens, Albert Durer
and a throng of others. And then there wuz the autograph
portraits of the great painters, Guido, Rembrandt, De Vinci,
Vandyke, Raphael, and also the greatest works of all these
painters. It wuz a grand and inspirin’ sight never to be for-
got. Robert Strong and Dorothy wanted to see the statute
of Dante; they set store by his writings. It is a splendid
statute of white marble riz up in the Piazza Sante Croce; I
hearn ’em talkin’ about its bein’ on a piazza and spozed it
wuz built on some stoop and mistrusted he deserved a better
pillow.

But it wuzn’t on the piazza of a house, it wuz out-doors,
and the pedestal wuz over twenty feet high, all covered with
carvin’s of seens took from his “ Divinia Commedia,” and
some lions, and the arms of Italy, and things. It wuz a good-
lookin’ statute, better lookin’ as fur as beauty goes than Dante
himself; he wuz kinder humbly I always thought, but then,
I spoze, he didn’t always wear that wreath on his head; meb-
by he looked better in a beaver hat ora fur cap. ’Tennyrate,
Thomas J. always sot store by him. It wuz a noble statute,
352 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

more’n fifty feet high, I presoom, with two figures standin’
on each side and one on top. The one on the left seemed to
have her hand outstretched telling to all the world just how
Dante wuz used whilst he wuz alive, and the one on the right
had just throwed herself down and wuz cryin’ about it, and
Dante, settin’ on top, wuz leanin’ his hand on his head and
meditatin’. What his meditations wuz, I don’t know, nor
Josiah don’t. Mebby he wuz thinkin’ of Beatrice.

Thomas J. had read Dante’s books a sight to his pa and
me. “The Divine Comedy,” “ The Inferno,” “ Bernadiso,”
“New Life,” etc., etc. Thomas Jefferson thought “ The
Divine Comedy ” a powerful work, showing the story of how
a man wuz tempted, and how sorrow lifts up the soul to new
hites.

I never approved of his praisin’ up Beatrice quite so
much under the circumstances, and I dare presoom to say
that he and Gemma (his pardner) had words about it. But
then I couldn’t hender it, it havin’ all took place five or six
hundred years before I wuz born.

Robert Strong said that his writings wuz full of elo-
quence, wit and pathos. His native land sets great store by
his memory, though they acted in the usual genteel and
fashionable way, and banished and persecuted him during
his life. One thing he said I always liked. He wuz told he
might return to his country under certain pains and penal-
ties, but he refused and said:

“Far from a preacher of justice to pay those who have
done him wrong as a favor. Can I not everywhere behold
the mirrors of the sun and stars? Speculate on sweetest
truths under any sky.”

Robert Strong said his poetry wuz far finer in the orig-
inal.

And I said, “ Yes, he wuz very original, for Thomas Jef-
ferson always said so.”

He is buried in Ravenna, and the Florentines have
begged for his ashes to rest in Florence. If when they burnt
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 353

up some of his books to show their contempt of him they
had done as they wanted to, dug up his body and burnt it,
there wouldn’t have been any ashes to quarrel about, for of
course scornin’ him so they would have cast his ashes to the
winds. But now they worship him when his ear is dead to
their praise, the great heart silent that their love would have
made beat with ecstasy. Well, such is life. They treated
Tasso just about the same who writ “ Jerusalem Delivered,”
they imprisoned him for a lunatic, and now how much store
they set by him.

And I had these same thoughts, only more extreme ones,
as we stood in the cell of that noble preacher of righteous-
ness and denouncer of sin, Savonarola. He wuz so adored
by the populace, and so great a crowd pressed to see him to
kiss his robe and applaud him, that he had to have a guard.
And then this same adoring crowd turned against him, im-
prisoned him for heresy, tortured him, burnt him to the
stake. And when he stood on the fagots, which wuz to be
his funeral bed of flame, and the bishop said to him:

“T excommunicate you from the church militant,” he
answered: “ Thou canst not separate me from the Church
Triumphant.”

A great life and a great death. I thought of this a sight
as I looked on his tomb. I sot store by Mr. Savonarola.

In the Church of Sante Croce we see the tomb of Machi-
avelli, a very wise, deep man and a wise patriot, but a man
lied about the worst kind by them that hate liberty; the
tomb of the poet, Alfieri, with Italy weepin’ over it; the
tombs of Michael Angelo and Galileo; the mother of the
Bonapartes, and many, many others. Galileo’s monument
wuz a sizeable one, but none too big for the man who dis-
covered the telescope and the motion of the earth. But just
as the way of the world is because he found new stars and
insisted that the earth did move, his enemies multiplied, he
wuz persecuted and imprisoned. I sot great store by him,
and so did Robert Strong, and I sez to him, “ Robert, you

23
354 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

too are discovering new and radiant stars in your City of
Justice and proving that the world does move.” And I gin
a queer look onto Miss Meechim and sez:

“T hope you won’t be persecuted for it.”

Miss Meechim looked some like her sirname with the
last letter changed to n. But to resoom: The galleries of
Florence contains priceless pictures and statuary, so many
of ’em that to enjoy them as you should, and want to, would
take years. Why, in the hall of Niobe I wanted to stay for
days to cry and weep and enjoy myself. I took my linen
handkerchief out of my pocket to have it ready, for I laid
out to weep some, and did, the mother’s agony wuz so real,
holdin’ one child while the rest wuz grouped about her in
dyin’ agony. One of the sons looked so natural, and his
expression of despair and sufferin’ wuz so intense that
Arvilly said:

“T believe he drinked, his face shows a guilty con-
science, and his ma looks jest as the mother of drunkards
always looks.”

I told her that the death of Niobe’s children wuz caused
by envy and jealousy, which duz just such things to-day as
fur as they dast all the way from New York to Jonesville,
and so on through the surroundin’ world. Sez I, Apollo and
Diana killed ’em all just because Niobe had such beautiful
children and so many of ’em and wuz naterally proud and
had boasted about ’em some, and Apollo and Diana didn’t
want their ma looked down on and run upon because she had
only two children, and probable their ma bein’ envious and
jealous sot ’em up.”

But Arvilly wouldn’t give up; she said a ma would always
try.to cover up things and insisted on it to the last that she
should always believe they drinked and got into a fight with
Latony’s boy and girl.

“No,” sez I agin, “it wuz Envy and Jealousy that took
aim and did this dretful deed.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 355

Josiah sez: “ Why didn’t Ni-obe keep her mouth shet
then?” "

_ Well, it wuz vain to enjoy deep emotions in the face of
such practicality. I put up my handkerchief and moved off
into another room.

Besides pictures, these galleries contain rare gems of art
in bronze, crystal, precious stones, coins, arms, helmets, etc.,
etc. Enough as I say to keep one’s mind rousted up and
busy for years and years.

Dorothy said she couldn’t leave Florence without seeing
the house where Elizabeth Barrett Browning lived and writ
her immortal poems and I felt jest so; I felt that I must
see the place sanctified by ‘her pure spirit and genius. So
Robert Strong got a carriage and took Dorothy and me
there one fine afternoon. A plate let into the front of the
house tells where she lived in body. But in sperit she in-
habited the hull world, and duz now. Her home is in the
hearts of all who love pure and exalted poetry.

Here she lived ther happy life as the wife of Robert
Browning and mother of her boy. Here she passed on up to
the higher school, for which she had prepared her sweet soul
below, graduated in the earth school and promoted up to the
higher one above.

I had a sight of emotions here and Robert and Dorothy
quoted from her all the way back to our tarven, and so I did.
I thought more of such poems as “ Mother and Poet,” and
“The Sleep,” etc. But they quoted a sight from “ Geral-
dine’s Courtship”? and “ Portuguese Songs,” for so every
heart selects its own nutriment. Their young hearts trans-
lated it into glowing language I mistrusted, though I didn’t
say nothin’.

From Florence we went to Rome. I had read a sight
about Rome and how she sot on her seven hills and from her
throne of glory ruled the world. But them hills are lowered
down a good deal: by the hand of Time, just as Rome’s
glory is; she don’t rule the world now, fur from it.
356 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

There is in reality ten hills, but the ruins of old Rome—
the Rome of Julius Czesar—has filled in the hollers a good
deal and the new city has grown old agin, as cities must,
and I, and Josiah, and everybody and everything.

Robert Strong had writ ahead and got us some comfort-
able rooms in a tarven on the Corso. When Robert Strong
first spoke on’t Josiah looked agitated. He thought it wuz
a buryin’ ground. But it didn’t have anything to do with a
corse.

The Corso is one of the finest streets in Rome, and hand-
some shops are on each side on’t, and carriages and folks in
fine array and them not so fine are seen there. Most all
of the big crowd wuz dressed as they do in Jonesville and
Paris and London, though occasionally we met Italians in
picturesque costooms.

There are three hundred and eighty Catholic meetin’-
houses in Rome, quite a few on ’em dedicated to the Virgin
Mary, and lots of costly gifts are laid on her altar. But
the one I wanted to see and so did the rest of our party wuz
the one that stood on the spot where once’ the circus of
Nero stood, weak, mizable creeter. The most agreeable
actin’ to him and his cruel pardner wuz the death struggles
of martyrs and bloodshed and agony.

What a inspiring idee it is to think that right on that very
spot, that bloody pagan pleasure house of hissen is changed
into the biggest meetin’-house in the world. Of course we
had seen St. Peter’s from a distance ever since we’d got nigh
the city, and we sot out the very next mornin’ after we got
there, to see it at clost view.

Now I had thought, comparin’ it to the Jonesville
meetin’-house, which I guess is about fifty by sixty feet, and
will, on a pinch, set four hundred and fifty, and comparin’
that with the cathedral in New York I had thought that that
Catholic Cathedral in New York was about as big a meetin’-
house as a minister could handle easy; but the area of that is
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 35%

forty-three thousand, whilst St. Peter’s at Rome is two hun-
dred and twelve thousand.

The difference these figgers make in the two meetin’-
houses is bigger than my writin’ can show you, no matter
how big a pen I use or how black my ink is,

As I stood in St. Peter’s Church in Rome I had a great
number of emotions and large, very large in size. Right
here where Mr. Nero (the mean, misable creeter) got hilari-
ous over the dyin’ struggles of the Christian martyrs, right
here where St. Peter met his death with the glory of heaven
lightin’ up his dyin’ eyes (I am just as sure on’t as if I see
it myself) stands this immense meetin’-house.

Three hundred years of labor and sixty millions of dollars
have been expended on it and the end is not yet. But I
would not done it for a cent less if I had took the job, I
couldn’t afford it nor Josiah couldn’t.

Why, when we stood in front on’t I didn’t feel no bigger
than the head of a pin, not a ‘hat pin or a shawl pin, but the
smallest kind they make, and Josiah dwindled down so in
size as compared to the ediflce that I ’most thought I should
lose him right there with my eyes glued onto his liniment.

You go through a large double door which shuts up
behind you as noiselessly and securely as if you wuz walled
into stay. My first feelin’ after I entered wuz the immensity
of the place. Some of the statutes you see that didn’t look
so big as Josiah, when you come clost up to ’em you
found wuz sixteen feet high. And the little cherubs holdin’
the shell of holy water at the entrance you see are six feet
high. You look fur down the meetin’-house as you look down
the road into a big piece of woods, only here the distant
trees turn into statutes and shrines and altars and things.
Fur off like distant stars shinin’ down into the forest you
see the lamps, one hundred and twelve of ’em, burnin’ day
and night around the tomb of St. Peter.

As you stand under the dome and look up it is like look-
ing at the very ruff of the sky. It is supported by four great
358 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

pillars and the interior of the immense globe is one hundred
and thirty-nine feet in circumference measured on the inside.

All the houses in Jonesville could be piled up on top of
each other in this immense space and Zoar and Shackville
piled onto them and not half fill it.

As we stood under the great dome the canopy over St.
Peter’s tomb seemed to us no bigger than the band stand in
Jonesville. But when we got up to it we see that it wuz
*most a hundred feet high, for fur up the mosaic medallions
of the four evangelists lookin’ none too big for the place
come to examine ’em, the pen of St. Luke is six feet long
and his nose is big enough for a spare bedroom. The writing
that runs along under the dome each letter is six feet high,
higher than Thomas Jefferson on tip toes, or Josiah on stilts.
The idee!

I don’t spoze that Peter, that earnest, hot-tempered fisher-
man ever spozed he would have such a buildin’ erected to
his honor, and I wondered as I looked through the immense
distances of this meetin’--house how many turned their
thoughts from the glory about ’em onto Peter’s inspired
words when he wuz here in the flesh. This huge pile seemed
as if Time could have no power over it, but his own words
rung in my ear:

“The day of the Lord shall come as a thief in the night
and all these things shall be dissolved. Nevertheless we
according to his promise look for a new heaven and a new
earth wherein dwelleth righteousness.”

And as I thought of his death right here on this very
spot agin his words sounded in my heart:

“Beloved, think it not strange concerning this fiery trial
which is to try you—But rejoice—Partakers of Christ’s suf-
fering—

And even as I listened to the chantin’ of the priests I me-
thought I heard Peter speaking of the Voice which come
down from Heaven which they heard who wuz with Him on
the mount. I thought of the sure word of prophecy. “ The
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 359

light shining in a dark place ’’—“ Until the day dawns and
the day star arise in our hearts.”

Yes, the real Peter wuz enshrined in my heart as I trod
the grand aisles of that meetin’-house of hisen, and I didn’t
think nothin’ at all in comparison of that statute of Peter
settin’ on a white stun throne holdin’ his foot out for the
masses to kiss.

He sets up there with a queer lookin’ thing on his head.
Josiah said it wuz a sass pan, and I sez: “ No, Josiah, it is a
halo.” And he sez:

“Samantha, if I’m ever sculped and sot up in the Jones-
ville meetin’-house, I don’t want any halo on my head.”

And I told him I guessed there wuzn’t any danger of his
ever wearin’ a halo on this earth.

And Josiah said before the subject wuz broached that
never, never should he kiss that toe. And he sez it to me
in reproachful axents as if I’d been teasin’ him to. But I
hadn’t thought on’t and told him so. But right whilst we
stood there we see folks of all classes from peasants to nobles
and of all ages from childhood to old age walk up and kneel
and kiss that onconscious big toe and go into some chapel
countin’ the beads of their rosaries.

Good land! Peter don’t care anything about that mum-
mery unless he has changed for the worse since he left this
mortal spear, which hain’t very likely bein’ the man he wuz.
And as I thought of the evil things done in the name of the
power that rared up that figger, I methought I hearn him
say:

“The time has come when judgment must begin at the
house of the Lord.”

I had lots of emotions as I walked to and fro and didn’t
want to talk to anybody or hear the talkin’ round me.

I hearn Tommy talkin’ sunthin’ to Carabi and I catched
these words, “ I wonner, oh, I wonner what good it duz *em
to kiss that toe.” And Arvilly and Josiah jined in in sharp
criticism. And agin Josiah sez: “I know I am a leadin’ man
360 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

in Jonesville and have been called more’n once a pillar in
the meetin’-house, but never, never do I want to be made a
statter with a sass pan on my head, and the bretheren and
sistern kissin’ my toes.”

And agin I sez, “It hain’t a sass pan.” But they kep’
on to that extent that I had to say, “ Josiah and Arvilly, the
one that figger represents, said: ‘ Above all things have char-
ity, for charity covers a multitude of sin.’ ”’

Miss Meechim and Dorothy and Robert Strong clumb
clear up into the dome twice as high as Bunker Hill monu-
ment or ruther walked up for they hain’t stairs, but a smooth
wooden way leads up, up to that hite. Miss Meechim told
me when they come down that though there wuz a high
railin’ it seemed so frightful to look down that immense
height she didn’t hardly dare to look off and enjoy herself,
though the view wuz sublime.

But I can’t describe St. Peter’s no more than a ant can
describe the Zodiac, I mean an a-n-t, not mother’s sister.
Why, the great side chapels are big enough for meetin’-
houses and fur grander than we shall ever see in Jonesville
or the environin’ townships. And the tomb and monuments
and altars, etc., are more gorgeous than I could ever tell on
if I should try a year.

There wuz one statute by Canova of Clement XIII. that
is lovely, the marble figure of the pope and on each side
kneelin’ figures of Religion and Death. Down below as if
guardin’ the tomb stands two noble lions.

And Pope Innocent, I d’no whether his name agreed
with his nater or not, but he sets there holdin’ the lance that
pierced the side of our Lord, so they say. But I don’t believe
that it wuz the same one nor Robert Strong don’t; I should
have had different feelin’s when I looked at it if it had been
the one.

Besides this relic they claim to have at St. Peter’s a piece
of the cross and the napkin that wuz laid to our Lord’s face
when he wuz faintin’ under the burden of the cross, and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 361

that still holds the imprint of his face, so they say. They are
shown on sacred days. They say that there is confessionals
at St. Peter’s where folks of every language in the world
can confess and be absolved by a priest that understands
’em. Well, I shouldn’t wonder, it is big enough, it seems
like a world in itself. But I couldn’t help thinkin’ of our
great High Priest whose confessional is broad and high as
the needs and sorrows of a world and the “ silent liftin’ of an
eye can bring us there to be,” and who understands not only
every language under the sun, but every secret and hidden
thought and aspiration of the soul, good or evil, and whose
forgiveness and compassion never fails the penitent soul. I
couldn’t help thinkin’ on’t, and I felt that St. Peter if he
could speak would say, “ Josiah Allen’s wife, I don’t blame
you for your methinkin’, I think just so myself.”

One day we all went to see the Arch of Titus; it wuz
big and massive lookin’ with a lot of writin’ over the top
that I couldn’t read nor Josiah couldn’t, but interestin’ like
all the remains of imperial Rome that ruled over almost
the hull of the known world. It was erected about the year
70 to commemorate the destruction of Jerusalem.

There wuz another arch fur more interestin’ to me, and
that wuz the arch of Constantine. It is perfectly beautiful,
and would be, even if it wuz built by a misable pagan. But
it wuz built by Mr. Constantine when he declared himself
in favor of Christianity. I sot store by him.

It is a grand and beautiful structure, richly ornamented,
and has three passages. I didn’t like all the base reliefs
on it; indeed, I considered some on ’em as real base, such as
Mr. Tragan’s offerin’s to the gods, etc. But then I realized
that I wuzn’t obleeged to look at ’em. And some on ’em
wuz very good showin’ off Mr. Tragan educatin’ poor
children, etc. And some of Constantine’s doin’s there I
liked first-rate.

And I d’no as I see anything in Rome that interested
me more than the tomb of Celia Crassus—Celia Matella
362 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

that wuz. It is a round, massive structure that stands on
the Appian Way and is about two thousand years old. It
wuz once all covered with costly marble, but the hand of
Time and other thieves, in mortal shape, have stole it a long
time ago. But enough is left to show what it wuz. Nobody
knows jest who Celia wuz and what she did do, or didn’t
do, to git such a monument. But I shall always believe she
wuz a real likely woman and smart. ’Tennyrate, I said her
pardner must have thought high on her and mourned her
loss like a dog or he never would have rared such a magnifi-
cent tomb to her memory.

But Arvilly looked at it different. She said she believed
her husband drinked and got led off into all sorts of sins and
made Celia no end of trouble and riz this monument up to
smooth things over.

But I sez, “ Mebby things wuz different then; ” but didn’t
really spoze so, human nater havin’ capered about the same
from the start. ‘‘’Tennyrate,” sez I, “I shall always believe
that Miss Crassus wuz good as gold, and this great massive
monument that it seems as if the hand of Time can’t ever
throw down I take as a great compliment to my sect as well
as Celia Crassus.

But Arvilly wuz as firm as a rock to the last in her belief
that Mr. Crassus drinked and that Miss Crassus wuz broken-
hearted by her grief and anxiety and tryin’ to cover up her
pardner’s doin’s as the wives of drunkards will, and tryin’
to keep her children from follerin’ their pa’s dretful ex-
ample, and then after he’d jest killed her with these doin’s he
rared up this great monument as a conscience soother.

Josiah thought Celia wuz equinomical and a wonderful
good cook, and her grateful pardner riz this up in honor of
his blissful life with her.

Miss Meechim thought that at all events she must have
been genteel.

Robert and Dorothy looked at its massive walls, and I
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 363

hearn him say sunthin’ to her kinder low about “ how love
wuz stronger than time or death.”

But Tommy just wonnered at it, wonnered who Celia
Matella wuz, how she looked, how old she wuz, if she had
any little boys and girls. He jest wonnered and nothin’ else,
and in the end I did, too.

You have no idee till you see how big the Colosseum is.
It is as long as from our ‘house to she that wuz Submit
Tewksberry’s, and so on round by Solomon Gowdey’s back
agin. You may not believe it, but it is true, and I d’no but
it is bigger. It used to accommodate one hundred thousand
people in its palmy days, or so I spoze they called it, when
some time durin’ one season five thousand beasts would be
killed there fightin’ with human bein’s, hull armies of cap-
tives bein’ torn to pieces there for the delight of them old
pagans. Fathers bein’ made to kill their wives and children
right there for their delight.

Oh,. how I wished, as I told Arvilly, I could git holt of
Mr. Titus and Mr. Nero and some of the rest of them leadin’
men.

The conqueror, Mr. Titus, brought back twelve thousand
of the conquered Jews and made ’em work and toil to build
up that lofty arch in memory of their own defeat and captiv-
ity and his glory. You'd think that wuz enough trouble for
"em, but I’ve hhearn, and it come pretty straight to me, that
he misused ’em more or less while they wuz workin’ away
at it.

’Tennyrate, they say a Jew won’t go under that arch to
this day and they’ve been seen to spit at it, and I spoze they
throw things at it more or less on the sly. 7

Sez I, “I’d gin ’em a piece of my mind if I knowed they
would make me fight with a elephant the next minute.”

Arvilly thought that if she could sold them the “ Twin
Crimes ” it might have helped ’em to do better, but I d’no as
it would. But that great amphitheatre where the blood and
364 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

agony of the martyrs cried to heaven, was afterwards dedi-
cated to these Christian martyrs. There are eighty arches of
entrance. Only a part of the immense circular wall is now
standing, but you can see what it wuz. There are four stories
of arches, one hundred and fifty-seven feet high in all, the
arena it encloses is two hundred and eighty-seven feet long.

Dorothy and Robert Strong and Miss Meechim went and
see it by moonlight, and they say that it wuz a more beauti-
ful sight than words can describe. But I bein’ a little afraid
of the rumatiz, thought that I had better go by broad day-
light, and Josiah did, too. I mistrusted that Robert and
Dorothy beheld it by a sweeter and softer light than even the
Italian moonlight, but I kep’ in and didn’t speak my mis-
trustin’. I dast as soon die as gin vent to any such idee be-
fore Albina Meechim.

We went one day to see the Pantheon, built by Mr.
Agrippa, 27 B.c. It is a dretful big buildin’; I guess about
the biggest ancient buildin’ in the world. It has had its ups
and downs, shown out in brilliant beauty, been stole from and
blackened by the hand of Time, but it is still beautiful.

It wuz dedicated to Jupiter at first, and afterwards to the
Virgin and the Christian martyrs, afterwards it was dedicated
to all the saints.

In speakin’ on this subject, Josiah said: ‘‘ What a lot of
saints they do have in these furren countries,” and says he
to me, soto vosy, “I’d kinder like, Samantha, to get that
name; Saint Josiah would sound well and uneek in Jones-
ville.”

But I scorfed at the idee, though knowin’ that he wuz
jest as worthy to be called saint as a good many who wuz
called by that name.

But Josiah is dretful ambitious. When we wuz lookin’
at the different pictures of the popes in their high hats, sez
he:

“How becomin’ such a hat would be to me. I believe
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 365

I shall be took in one when I get home; I could take Father
Allen’s and Father Smith’s old stove-pipe hats and set my
best one on top, and then cut out a wooden cross on top;
how uneek it would be.”

But I spoze he will forgit it before he gits home—I hope
so ’tennyrate.
CHAPTER XXX

ron HE Vatican where the Pope keeps house is the
biggest house in the world; its dimensions are
one thousand one hundred and fifty-one feet,
by seven hundred and sixty-seven feet. And
if you want to realize the size of such a buildin’,
you jest try to frame it and you’d find out. Why, as I told
Josiah, Joel Gowdey is called our best carpenter in Jones-
ville, but if he should try to’ plan that buildin’, where would
he be? He is a great case to scratch his head in difficulties,
Joel is, and I guess he’d be pretty bald before he got through
studyin’ on it, much less doin’ the work. It has twenty
courts, two hundred staircases, and leven thousand rooms.
Josiah worried some about it, and sez:

“ What duz one old man want of leven thousand rooms?
He can’t be in more’n one to time, and if he tried to go
round and see if his hired help kep’ em swep’ up and mopped
and the winders cleaned, it would keep him on the go the
hull time and be too much for him.”

But I told Josiah that Mr. Pope didn’t fake use of the
hull buildin’ his own self, but there wuz libraries in it and
museums and picture galleries. I believe myself Mr. Pope
is a real likely man, of which more anon. I don’t believe
that there is a room in the U. S. or the hull surroundin’
world so grand and magnificent as the Great Hall of the
Vatican Library. It is over two hundred feet long, and
glorious in architecture and ornaments from top to bottom.
It contains the most priceless treasures in books and manu-
scripts. For hundreds of years the collection has been con-
stantly growing by purchase, gifts and conquests. One of its
choicest treasures is the Bible of the fourth century,

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFH 36%

The picture galleries in the Vatican contain pictures and
statutes enough, it seems to me, to ornament the parlors of
the world if they wuz divided up. And the museum—lI don’t
spoze there is so big a collection in the world of such rare
and costly things, and I spoze like as not there will never be
another one so large and valuable. I never should try it,
nor Josiah wouldn’t. It would be too big a tug on our
strength, if we had oceans of money, and can no more be
described than I could count the sands of the sea and set ‘em
in rows.

We thought one day we would visit the Pantheon. Miss
Meechim didn’t really want to go on account of her con-
science partly, and I too felt some as she did, for it wuz a
pagan temple riz up to all the gods twenty-seven years before
Christ. But finally we all did go. As I told Miss Meechim,
we could keep up a stiddy thinkin’ on better things, if we wuz
lookin’ on pagan shrines.

She said she wuz afraid that Rev. Mr. Weakdew wouldn’t
approve of her being there, and she didn’t seem to enjoy
herself very much and I d’no as I did. But it must have
been a glorious place as fur as beauty is concerned in its
prime, for it is beautiful in its ruin. There are no windows,
but it has a large circular openin’ in the ruff through which
I spoze the smoke of sacrifice ascended, not much, I believe,
above the figures that used to stand up there fifty feet above
the marble and porphry pavement—Mars, Jupiter, Apollo,
Minerva, Vulcan, etc., etc. For all everything has been stole
from this gorgeous temple that could be, it is grand-lookin’
and beautiful now.

From the Pantheon we went to the Capitol—the Capitu-
line Hill where justice wuz meted out to the public from
kings and nobles.

We went safely past the two huge lions at the foot of the
staircase—though Tommy got behind me when he first saw
them—past the.spot where Rianzi wuz killed. Here we see
no end of statutes of the Czsars, the Popes and other in-
368. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

fluential families. We stood on the spot where Brutus made
that memorable speech, and I felt that I could almost see that
noble figger as he stood there sayin’: “ Friends, Romans,
countrymen, lend me your ears!” If I had been there, I’d
lent him two pairs; mine and Josiah’s in welcome.

The bronze wolf, spoke of by Mr. Cicero, is still standin’
there; and in the museum here we see no end of rich sculp-
ture, statutes, mosaic and beautiful, rare objects of art.
Pliny’s doves made a noble show; they are made of little
pieces of stun, one hundred and sixty pieces in an inch; I
couldn’t done it to save my life. The Venus of the Capitol
looks beautiful; Josiah thought she favored Sally Ann Henzy,
but I didn’t. And, ’tennyrate, Sally Ann would have scorned
to appear in company in that condition; Sally Ann is real
modest.

In the Pincian Garden, we see the villa of Lucullus, a
brave soldier who had his faults, but wuz a good provider
and thought a site of his vittles; he made me think of Josiah.
And also we see the home of Mr. Nero—mean creeter—I
wuz glad enough he passed away before I got there. My
principles on intemperance and monopolies would have riled
him up dretful, and Arvilly’s talk made him hoppin’ mad.
I d’no what ‘he would have took it into his head to do. And
I never should have gin him the freedom of Jonesville, never,
he needn't thought on’t; nor I never should invited him to
make a all day’s visit to our house, nor a afternoon one,
either.

They have beautiful fountains in Rome. All of a sudden
as we went through a narrer street, we see a dazzlin’ sheet
of water come down from the rock shell work and statutes,
clear streams of water seemed to be gushin’ out on all sides,
fallin’ into a b,g reservoir big enough for a ship to float in,
and one day we went to see the Baths of Caracella. Jest
think of a bath a mile square, big enough for thirty or forty
thousand folks to bathe in at one time. It is all in ruins now,
but you can see from the thick walls, tall arches, the sides
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 369

covered with costly mosaic, what they wuz in their glory.
Josiah thought he could make a lovely piece of mosaic from
the stuns down in our paster and slate stuns. He said if he
could cover the front of the barn with the pictures of his
travels in stun, some like the travels of Ulysses, it would be
a boon to Jonesville. But good land! it would be a sight to
behold made of stuns as big as your hand and all shapes.
That ambition must be squenched. Josiah breathed this
aspiration to me as we went through the Hall of the Em-
perors. And they didn’t look no better nor so well as the
bretheren in the Jonesville meetin’-house would if they wuz
sculped and Josiah said so; though, of course, as I told him,
they wuz dressed up more fancy. And he said: “ Any de-
cent woman would lend her nightgown for her pardner to
be sculped in and handkerchief pins and lace under-sleeves
and things.”

Poppea Sabina, the second wife of Mr. Nero, wuz a beauti-
ful-lookin’ woman, though I don’t spoze she wuz what she
should be. Her husband kicked her to death some time ago.
He ort to been kicked himself; I’d been willin’ to hire the
mule myself to done it, I wuz that put out thinkin’ on’t.

Josiah said “ Poppy Sabriny wuz the best-lookin’ figger
there.”

Arvilly said she most knew he’d been drinkin’, it wuz
so fashionable for drinkin’ men to kick their wives, and sez
she: “ Oh, how I wish I could have canvassed Nero for the
‘Twin Crimes’ before he done it.”

And I sez: “It might have been a good thing for Mr.
Nero and for Poppy, but I don’t know how it would have
been with you, Arvilly; a man that would kick his wife to
death wouldn’t be apt to brook a book-agent.”

“Yes,” sez Josiah, “ anybody that would kick Poppy Sa-
briny would do anything.”

Sez I: “ It would look just as well, Josiah, for a perfessor
not to talk so much about another woman besides his pard-
ner, even if she is a stun woman.”

24
370 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“ Jealous of a statter!”’ sez Josiah skornfully.

“ Not at all,” sez I. “ But Poppea Sabina wuz a pagan,
and no better than she should be, and her folks wuzn’t likely
and—— ”

“Jest like a woman!” sez Josiah, “a man can’t praise
up another female, dead or alive, without his pardner picking
flaws in ’em.”’

Well, I drawed his attention off onto the Cesars, Augus-
tus and Domitian, and quite afew on em. Nero’s bust I de-
spised lookin’ at—brutal tyrant—as Josiah truly said anybody
that would kill his wife and grandmother would do anything
and wuz too mean to be looked at. If I could covered up
his face I’d been willin’ to used my best crape veil that I
mourned for Mother Allen in. Nero’s grandma, she that
wuz Agrepina Agrippa, wuz good featured but broken-
hearted lookin’. No wonder, havin’ such a grandson in the
family. Arvilly said as she looked at it, that she believed if
old Miss Nero, his grandma, and his own ma had spanked
him good and sound and sot him down hard in the corner
from day to day he wouldn’t acted and behaved so when he
got bigger. She said she presoomed he wuz allowed to pierce
flies with a pin and torter ‘hornets and May bugs and rob
birds’ nests and tie cans to dogs’ tails and act, and he got
worse as he got bigger. And I d’no but she wuz right. I’ve
seen the Nero sperit in small boys many times; why, I see
it in Thomas Jefferson when he wuz little, but it wus
squenched and he’s come up noble.

Miss Meechim wanted to see the Paletine Hill, the spot
where Romulus and Remus wuz nursed by a she wolf; Josiah
don’t believe it. He said no wolf would consent to bring up
twins by hand, and no ma would ever allow it, but that’s
what they say. Miss Meechim explained here how when
the twins had growed up Romulus harnessed a heifer and
bull to a plough and laid out the site of the city. Robert
Strong wuz full of memories of Cicero, Catalus, the Gracchi,
and so wuz Dorothy. But no place interested me there so
 

Samantha and the distinguished stranger.—Page 371.

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 371

much as the Forum, where some think Paul wuz tried. He
wuz tried before Nero, and there wuz Nero’s judgment place,
and there wuz the seat for prisoners. As I looked round
me I could imagine the incomparable eloquence of Paul that
sways the human heart as leaves are waved by a strong
breeze, and his memory sweetened the hull place, and it
needed it bad enough, yes indeed it did. But to resoom:

One day Arvilly and I wuz takin’ a walk together, Josiah
and Tommy bein’ a little ahead, when we see a elegant car-
riage comin’ along, a rich red color all ornamented with
gold, with six horses, their gorgeous harnesses nice enough
for bridal ornaments. And there wuz outriders goin’ ahead
and men in brilliant uniform fallin’ in behind, and lots and
lots of carriages follerin’ on in the procession. There wuz a
axident in front, two carriages goin’ in opposite directions
had smashed in together, and two or three fallin’ over them
wuz the cause. I see that in that splendid carriage right
under my nose as it were, a gentleman sittin’ alone, dressed
up in a way that would have shed delight into the soul of
Josiai. Allen, and a female bystander sez, “There is the
pope.”

He had a bright red robe on, all covered with crosses
and stars and orders, and a high peaked cap of the same
color. And even as I looked at him I thought what a beauti-
ful stripe them clothes would make in a rag carpet after he’d
got through with ‘em.

You could see he wuz good natered and smart and about
as old as Salathiel Henzy and looked like him. His benign
face wuz lookin’ over the crowd as if he had a look into a
better country.’ I liked his linement first-rate and believe he
is a likely man, and I felt that it would encourage him to
hear me say so, and also I felt that there wuz some things
that I wanted to advise him for his good. So I advanced
to the side of the carriage door and sez, holdin’ out my hand
in a cordial way:
372 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“ Good mornin’, Mr. Pope; I am glad to see you lookin’
so well.”

Bein’ took so completely by surprise, he held out his
hand. They have told me since that he meant to have me
kiss it, but I never thought on’t nor shouldn’t done it if I had,
not bein’ in the habit of kissin’ strange men’s hands; no, I
grasped holt of it and shook it warmly just as I would Sala-
thiel’s.

He riz his hand up in benediction and said some words
that I couldn’t understand, but good ones I know from his
looks, and I bent my head as reverent as I would before
Elder Minkley. But as I lifted my eyes what wuz my hor-
row to see Arvilly advance takin’ out “ The Twin Crimes”
from her work-bag and before I could interfere she had be-
gun to canvass him. Sez she: “ Mr. Pope, I have a book
here I would like to call your attention to: ‘The Twin
Crimes of America: Intemperance and Greed.’” Good cree-
ter, it wuz too bad. But it ended triumphant for Arvilly,
for whether it wuz my noble words to him that had softened
him down or whether it wuz that he.knowed how rampant
these two evils wuz in the United States and wanted to in-
form himself still further about it, ’tennyrate he looked the
book over and said he would be glad to have the book, and
he and two more of the leadin’ men nigh him in that pro-
cession bought books, Arvilly deliverin’ "em on the spot
and takin’ her money. And if the stoppage in the crowd
hadn’t let up and they started on, I d’no but she would have
canvassed the hull flower of the Romish meetin’-house;
though we wuz told afterwards by one who- pretended to
know, that it wuzn’t the Pope I had talked to and Arvilly
had canvassed, but some other high dignitary in the meetin’-
house.

We stayed on in Rome longer than we had laid out to,
for our sweet Dorothy liked it there. And if she had took
it into her head to set down on a lonesome rock in mid
ocean, like a mermaid, for a week, there would the rest on
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 3%3

us be sot round her till her mind changed. For the head of
our party would have managed it some way so she could
had her way. Not that she would do anything aginst the
wishes of the rest of us, but she wuz happy there, and the
rest of us all liked it and found plenty of things to interest
us, but at last we did set out for Naples.

I had sot a good deal of store on seein’ the Bay of Naples,
and so had the other females of our party. Robert Strong
had seen it before. And my pardner when I tried to roust
up his interest and admiration by quotin’ the remark so often
made: “ See Naples and die.”

He said he wouldn’t do any such thing, not if he could
keep alive. ‘“ But,” sez he, “ more’n as likely as not the vile
Italian cookin’ will be too much for me and your prophecy
may come true; I may see Naples and die—from starvation.”

But I told him it wuz the incomparable beauty of the seen
that wuz meant, that when you’d seen that you had beheld
the best and most beautiful the world could offer you and
you might as well pass away without tryin’ any further.

And Josiah said he would ruther see the Jonesville creek
down in the paster back of the house, where it makes a bend
round our sugar house and the sugar maples grow clear
down to the water’s edge, and pussy willers lean down, so
the pussy most touch the water, and you can see the brook
trout darting about over the clean pebbles, than to see forty
Napleses.

I too felt a good deal the same, but wouldn’t encourage
him by sayin’ so. And the Bay of Naples wuz beautiful, its
beauty stole on you onbeknown and growed and growed
till it possessed your hull heart and soul, if you had a soul. It
lays like a big blue liquid gem in its encirclin’ settin’ of fade-
less green and flashing white walls, and crowned by the
hantin’ dretful beauty of Mount Vesuvius.

Naples is a big city, the biggest in Italy, and as easy to
git into from land as Jonesville is, only on its principle ave-
374. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

nues there are what they call barriers where they collect
duties on provisions, etc., brought from the country.

Josiah thought that would be a splendid thing for him.
Sez he, “I believe I shall have Ury help me and build a bar-
rier in front of my house and take a tax for big loads that go
by. Why,” sez he, “at a cent a load I could make a splendid
livin’.”

But he won’t try it. As I told him he might just as well
lanch right out on Jonesville creek as a corsair, “and I’ve
always said,” sez I, “ that never would I live on brigandage.”’

Some of the streets of Naples are narrer and noisy as
Bedlam with market men and women cryin’ out their wares
and all sorts of street noises. Little donkeys carryin’ loads
fur too big for our old mair. A sort of a big loose bag hangs
on each side on ’em piled up as high as they will hold with
fruit, vegetables, flowers, etc.

Sometimes you will see such a big load walkin’ off and
can’t for your life tell what propels it till bime by you will
hear a loud bray from underneath. It sounds quite scareful.
The little ridin’ wagons of the poor people are packed too
as I never see a hoss car in the U. S. Sometimes you will
see more’n two dozen folks, priests, soldiers, men, women
and children, and sometimes baskets full of vegetables and
babies swingin’ underneath and all drawed by a donkey; it
hain’t right and I wanted to talk to ’em about it, but didn’t
know as they would hear to me. But our old mair is used
fur different.

The Cathedral is quite a noble lookin’ buildin’ and con-
tains tombs of many noted people, Pope Innocent, King An-
drew, Charles I. of Anjou, and many, many others. The
Piazza del Municipio has a beautiful fountain, and there is
one fashionable promenade over two ‘hundred feet wide con-
taining all sorts of trees and shrubs where you can see the
‘Neopolitans dressed in fine array. There is a terrace extend-
ing into the sea, temples, winding paths, grottds, etc.

The Piazza del Plebiscito has an equestrian statute that
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 375

wuz taken in the first place for Napoleon, then changed to
General Murat and finally to Charles III. It made me think
considerable of the daily papers who use one picture for all
social and criminal purposes, and for Queen Victoria and
Lydia Pinkham.

Some of the principal streets are straight and handsome,
with blocks of lava right out of the bosom of the earth for
pavement. It give me queer feelin’s to tread on’t thinkin’
that it come from a place way down in the earth that we
didn’t know anything about and thinkin’ what strange things
it could tell if stuns could talk. Some of the best streets had
sidewalks. It is well lighted by gas.

As you walk along the streets you see rich and poor, beg-
gar and priest, soldier and peasant, every picturesque cos-
toom you can think on and all sorts of faces. But there
seems to be a kind of a happy-go-lucky air in ’em all, even
to the beggars and the little lazy, ragged children layin’ in the
sunshine. The people live much out of doors here, you can
see ’em washin’ and dressin’ the children, and doin’ house-
work, and everything right from the street, and though I
don’t spoze the poor suffer so much here on account of the
warm climate, yet dirt and rags and filth and vermin didn’t
look any better to me here than they did in Jonesville.

In Naples as a rule the lower parts of the houses are
shops, restaurants, etc., and the upper stories are used for
dwellings. The beautiful terraces of the city and the flat
roofs of the houses are covered with shrubs and flowers, and
filled with gayly dressed promenaders, givin’ it a gay appear-
ance. And you don’t see in the faces of the crowd any ex-
pression of fear for the danger signal that smokes up in the
sky, no more than our faces to home show signs of our
realizin’ the big danger signals on our own horizon.

I d’no as I ever had hearn of the third city that wuz de-
stroyed when Herculaneam and Pompeii wuz. But Vesu-
vius did put an end to another city called Stabea at that time,
most two thousand years ago, but that is some years back
376 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and I d’no as it is strange that the news hadn’t got to Jonss:
ville yet.

Naples has three hundred meetin’-houses, enough you
would say to make the citizens do as they ort to. But I
don’t spoze they do. I hearn, and it come quite straight, too,
that it is a dretful city for folks to act and behave, though it
used us real well.

It has a good many theatres and has a large museum
where I would be glad to spent more time than I did. Dret-
ful interestin’ to me wuz the rich frescoes and marbles dug
up in the buried cities. Just to think on’t how long they
stayed down there under the ground, and now come out
lookin’ as well as ever whilst the Love or the Ambition that
carved the exquisite lines have gone away so fur that we
can’t foller ’°em; way into some other planet, mebby. Bronze
statutes, the finest collection in the world they say, and all
sorts of weapons, Etruscian vases, coins, tablets, marbles,
ornaments of all kinds enough to make your head feel dizzy
to glance at ’em.

Some of the statutes I didn’t want Josiah to see; they
wuzn’t dressed decent to appear in company, but then agin
I knew he wuz a perfessor and had always read about the
Garden of Eden and Eve when she and Adam first took the
place and wuz so scanty on’t for clothes, but I didn’t like
their looks. Miss Meechim thought they wuz genteel and
called it high art, and Josiah, for a wonder, agreed with her;
they hardly ever think alike.

But I sez, “ Josiah Allen, while I am a livin’ woman, and
a Methodist sister, you never will be sculped with nothin’ but
a towel hung over one arm, not even a paper collar on, and,”
sez I, “what should we think to go into a photograph
gallery to home and see Sister Bobbett and Sister Gowdey
portrayed with a little mosquiter nettin’ slung over one
shoulder?” Sez I, “It would be the town’s talk and ort to
be—you can call it high art, Miss Meechim, if you want to,
but I shall always call it low art.”
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 377

Miss Meechim murmured sunthin’ about its bein’ genteel,
and Josiah looked round and didn’t pay the attention to my
earnest words that he ort to. I believe they did for a spell
shet up them statters of Venus, but they had let ’em out
agin when we wuz there. There wuz one statter of a woman
with the top of her head and her arms off. Josiah said to
me:

“The idee of puttin’ that poor cripple in here amongst
decent lookin’ wimmen; if they pictured her at all they ought
to pictured her as bein’ carried to a hosspital.”’

Miss Meechim wuz nigh by and I see she had gone almost
into spazzums of admiration over it, and on our family’s
account, didn’t want to fall too low down in her estimation,
so I wunk at him and whispered, “ Josiah, that is the cele-
brated Sikey; it is the proper thing to fall into extacies of
admiration and wonder when you see it.” And I as I say
not wantin’ to demean myself any further before Miss
Meechim, put up my two hands in an attitude of wonder,
but which she could take for admiration if she wanted to, but
I didn’t say it wuz.

But Josiah sez, ‘Catch me a praisin’ up a no armed
female, one who has been scalped, too, in the bargain.”

I hope Miss Meechim didn’t hear him. She always
praised just what wuz proper to praise, she always read in her
guide book just what she ought to admire and then pro-
ceeded to admire it to once. As she boasted her mind wuz
a eminently conservative and genteel mind.

As for me my mind and sperit loved to grope around
more and find out things to praise and blame by rote and
not by note, and Dorothy and Robert Strong was sotne
so.

Arvilly wuz more bent on disseminatin’ her books to
help and instruct, and would have canvassed Michael Angelo
himself for the “ Twin Crimes,” turning her back onto his
most wonderful creations. As for Josiah, a wild goat leapin’
through museums and picture galleries couldn’t have been
378 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

more scornful of contemporaneous judgment exceptin’ when
he tried to be fashionable.

Dear little Tommy would wander round with his arms
clasped behind him under his velvet jacket and wonner at
things to himself, and I spoze Carabi walked up and down
beside him though we couldn’t see him. Sometimes I felt
kinder conscience smitten to think I couldn’t honestly admire
what seemed to be the proper thing to, and then agin I
kinder leaned up agin the memory of John Ruskin and how
he liked in art what he did like, and not what it was fashion-
able to, and I felt comforted.

One day, tired out with sightseein’ and havin’ sunthin’
of a headache, I stayed to home while all the rest of the
party went out and Miss Meechim invited me into their
settin’-room as it wuz cooler there, so I had sot there for
some time readin’ a good book and enjoyin’ my poor health
as well as I could, when a card wuz brung in for Robert
Strong. I told the hall boy that he wuz out but wuz expected
back soon, and in a few minutes he come back usherin’ in
a good lookin’ man who said he wuz anxious to see him on
business and that he would wait for him. I knowed him
from his picture as well as ‘his card; it wuz Mr. Astofeller, a
multi-millionaire, who had got his enormous wealth from
trusts and monopolies.

I couldn’t go back into my room for Josiah had the key,
and so we introduced ourselves and had quite a agreeable
visit, when all of a sudden right whilst we wuz talkin’ polite
and agreeable two long strings dangled down in front of
the eyes of my soul, strings I had often clung to. Well I
knowed ’em, and I sez to myself almost wildly:

Oh, Duty! must I cling to thy apron-strings here and
now, enjoyin’ as I do poor health and in another woman’s
room? For reply, them strings dangled down lower yet, and
[had to reach up the arms of my sperit and gently but firmly
grip holt on ’em and stiddy myself on ’em whilst I tackled
him on the subject of monopolies, having some hopes I could
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 379

convert him and make him give ’em up then and there and
turn round and be on the Lord’s side.

And bein’ so dretful anxious to convince him, I begun
some as the M. E. ministers sometimes do in a low, still
voice, gradually risin’ higher and deeper and more earnest.
I told him my idees of trusts and monopolies and what a
danger I thought they wuz to individual and national life.
And I described the feelin’s I felt to see such droves of poor
people out of work and starvin’ for the necessaries of life,
whilst a few wuz pilin’ up enormous and onneeded wealth,
and I sez:

“Mr. Astofeller, what good does it do to heap up such
a lot of money jest to think you own it and hide it from the
tax collector? And bring up your daughters to luxury and
foolish display, their gole being to give you a titled son-in-law
who will bend down toward you from his eminence jest fur
enough to reach your pockets, and if you refuse to have them
emptied too many times you will anon or oftener have your
daughter returned to you, her beauty eat up by sorrow, her

ears tinglin’ and heart burnin’ with experiences a poor girl
would never know. And bring up your sons to idleness and
temptation, when you know, Mr. Astofeller, that it is Earnest
Toil, wise-headed, hard-handed step-ma, that goads her sons
on to labor and success. And it is not, as a rule, the sons
of millionaires who are our great men. It is the sons of
Labor and Privation that hold the prizes of life to-day and
will to-morrow.”

And sez I, reasonable: “ What is the use, Mr. Astofeller,
of so much money, anyway? You can’t ride in but one
buggy at a time, or wear more than one coat and vest, or
sleep on more than one bed and three pillers at the outside,
or eat more than three meals a day with any comfort, so why
not let poorer folks have a chance to eat one meal a day—
lots of em would be tickled to death to.

“ Our Lord said: ‘ Take no thought for the morrow what
ye shall eat or what ye shall drink; ’ and He must have meant
380 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

that the time wuz comin’ when juster laws should prevail,
when Mammon should yield to Mercy and plunder changed
to plenty for all and no burden of riches for any. The Bible
sez that in those days when the pure influence of Jesus still
rested on his disciples that they had everything in common.”

Sez Mr. Astofeller, “Start ten men out rich Monday
morning, and nine of them would be poor Saturday night,
and the tenth one would own the money of all the rest.”

And I sez: “I presoom so, if they had their own way,
and that is a big argument to prove that there ought to be a
wise head and a merciful hand at the hellum to look out for
the hull on ’*em. A good father and mother with a big family
of children takes care of the hull on ’em. And if one is
miserly and one a spendthrift and one a dissipator and one
over-ambitious they watch over ’em and curb these different
traits of theirn and adjust ’em to the good of all and the
honor of their pa and ma. They spur on the indolent and
improvident, hold back the greedy and ambitious, watch
and see that the careless and good-natured don’t git trod on,
nor the strong make slaves of the weaker. The feeble are
protected, temptations are kept out of the way of the feeble
wills; the honest, industrious ones hain’t allowed to perish
for want of work they would gladly do, and the strong, keen-
witted ones hain’t allowed to steal from the onfaculized ones.
Why, how it would look for that pa to let some of his children
heap up more money than they could use, whilst some of the
children wuz starvin’? It would make talk and ort to.”

Mr. Astofeller said, “ Millionaires are very charitable;
look at their generous gifts on every side.”

And I sez, “ Yes, that’s so; but Charity, though she’s
a good creeter and well thought on, hain’t so good as Justice
in lots of places.”

- He sez, “ We give big gifts to the churches.”

And I sez, “ Yes, I know it; but do you think that the
Lord is goin’ to think any better on you for raisin’ up costly
temples sacred to the Lord who specially said in his first
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 381

sermon that he had come to preach the Gospel to the poor,
give sight to the blind, set at liberty them that are bound?
As it is you rare up magnificent temples and hire eloquent
clergymen to preach the doctrine that condemns you if they
preach the Bible, which a good many on ’em do. For you
must remember what it sez:

“Tf you who have plenty give not to your brother in need,
how dwelleth the love of God in you? And if you have two
coats and your poorer brother has none, you ort to give him
your second best one. And you kneel down on your soft
hassocks and pray all your enormous, needless wealth away
from you, for you pray, ‘Thy kingdom come,’ which you
know is the kingdom of love and equality and justice, and
‘Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven,’ when you
know that God’s will is mercy, pity and love. And ‘ Give us
our daily bread,’ when you must know that you are takin’
it right out of the mouths of the poor when you are makin’
your big corners on wheat and meat, and freezin’ the widder
and orphan when you make your corners on coal.”

Sez I, “ Look at Robert Strong’s City of Justice. Love,
peace and happiness rains there. Every workman is content,
for he has his pay for his labor and a fair percentage on
profits. If the factory is prosperous the workman knows
that he gets just as much accordin’ for the work he puts in as
if he owned the hull thing, and it is for his advantage to give
good work and help it along all he can.

“ Intemperance is not allowed to show its hoof and horns
inside that city, for that would be injustice to the weak-willed
and their families. Greed and plunder and the whiskey power
has to stay outside, for the Bible sez without are dogs.

“Robert Strong might wring all the money he could
from these workmen, wrop himself in a jewelled robe and set
up in a gold chair and look down on the bent forms of
the poor, sweating and groaning and striking and starving
below him. But he don’t want to. He is down there right
by the side of ’em. Capital and labor walking side by side
382 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

some like the lion and the lamb. He has enough for his
wants, and they have enough for their wants, and there is
mutual good-will there and peace and happiness. Hain’t
that better than discontent and envy and despair, bloody
riots and revolutions? Cold, selfish, greedy Capital clutching
its money-bags, and cowering and hiding away from starvin’
infuriated strikers.”

Sez I, growin’ real eloquent, “Monopoly is the great
American brigand hid in the black forest of politics. It has
seized Labor in its clutches and wrings a ransom out of
every toiler in the land.

“Monopoly steals out of Uncle Sam’s pocket with one
hand and with the other clutches the bread-money out of
the tremblin’ weak fingers of the poor. Is our law,” sez I,
“a travesty, a vain sham, that a man that steals millions for
greed goes unpunished, while a man who steals a loaf to keep
his children from starvin’ is punished by our laws and scorfed
at? Monopoly makes the poor pay tribute on every loaf
of bread and bucket of coal, and the govermunt looks on
and helps it. Shame! shame that it is so!”

Sez Mr. Astofeller, “ Where would the world be to-day
if it wuzn’t for rich people building railroads, stringing tele-
graph and telephone wires, binding the cities and continents
together? ”

“Yes,” sez I, “I set store by what they’ve done, just as
I do on them good old creeters who used to carry the mails
in their saddle-bags for so much a year. Folks felt tickled
to death, I spoze, when they could send a letter by some-
body for 10 cents a letter. And it wuz a great improvement
on havin’ to write and send it by hum labor, a boy and a ox
team. But when I see Uncle Sam can carry ’em for two
cents and one cent a-piece, why I can’t help favorin’ the idee
of givin’ Uncle Sam the job. And if he can carry letters
so much cheaper why can’t he carry packages at just the
same reduced rate, and talk over the wires, etc., etc. ?

“ Not that I look down on them saddle-bags—fur from
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 383

it—I honor ’em and I honor the rich men that have cut iron
roads through continents, mountain and abyss, honor them
that have made talkin’ under the ocean possible and through
the pathless air. Yes, indeed, I honor ’em from nearly the
bottom of my heart. But I would honor ’em still more if
they should now all on ’em stand up in a row before Uncle
Sam, and say, We have done all we could to help the people
(and ourselves at the same time), and now as we see that
you can help ’em still more than we can, we turn our im-
provements all over into your hands to use for the people,
for you can make travel jest as much cheaper as letter car-
ryin’, and do it just as peaceable. Why, what a stir it would
make on earth and in heaven, and Uncle Sam would see
that they didn’t lose anything by it. He’d see jest what a
grand thing they wuz doin’, and pay ’em well for it. And
these rich men, instead of leavin’ their wealth in bags of
greenbacks for moth and rust and lawyers to corrupt, and
fightin’ heirs to break through their wills and steal, would
leave it in grateful memories and a niche in history where
their benine faces would stand up with all the great benefac-
tors of the race. Hain’t that better, Mr. Astofeller, than to
leave jest money for a fashionable wife and golf-playin’ sons
to run through?”

Mr. Astofeller said he believed it wuz better; he looked
real convinced. And seein’ him in this softened frame of
mind I went on and brung up a number of incidents provin’
that the great folks of the past had held a good many of my
idees in regard to wealth. I reminded him of Mr. Cincin-
natus who did so much to make Rome glorious, when the
public sought him out for honors (he not a-prancin’ through
the country with torch-light processions and a brass band,
talkin’ himself hoarse, and lavishin’ money to git it), no
indeed, when they sought him for a candidate for public
honors they found him a not fixin’ up the primarys and buyin’
bosses, but ploughin’ away, just as peaceable as his oxen,
workin’ on his own little farm of four acres. He wuz satis-
384 AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

fied with makin’ enough to live on. Live and let live was his
motto.

“ And Mr. Regulus, the leader of the great Roman forces,
wuz Satisfied with his little farm of seven acres, creepin’ up
a little in amount from four to seven. But it wuzn’t till
long, long afterwards that the rich grew enormously rich
and the poor poorer, and what a man had wuz honored in-
stead of what he wuz. Over and over the drama has been
played out, moderation and contentment, luxury and dis-
content, revolution and ruin, but I did hope that our repub-
lic, havin’ more warnin’s and nigher the millenium, wouldn’t
go the same old jog trot up, up—up, and down, down, down.
I wuz some in hopes they would hear to me, but I d’no.”

I could see that Mr. Astofeller wuz greatly impressed by
what I said. I see he took out his watch a number of times,
wantin’ to see, I mistrusted, the exact minute that I said
different things. He wuz jest like the rest of them million-
aires, a first-rate lookin’ and actin’ creeter when you git down
to the real man, but run away with by Ambition and Greed,
a span that will take the bits in their mouth and dash off
and carry any one further than they mean to be carried. He
didn’t say so right out but he kinder gin me to understand
that I’d convinced him more’n a little. And I am lookin’
every day to see him make a dicker with Uncle Sam (a good-
hearted creeter too as ever lived Uncle Sam is, only led away
sometimes by bad councillors), yes, I expect he will make
a dicker with Uncle Sam for the good of the public and
hasten on the day of love and justice. I am lookin’ for it
and prayin’ for it; in fact the hull world is prayin’ for it every
day whether they know it or not when they pray “ Thy king-
dom come.”

‘But to resoom: Robert Strong and Josiah come back
almost simeltaneously, and I don’t know what Mr. Asto-
feller’s bizness wuz with Robert, sunthin’ about California
affairs, I guess, mebby politics or sunthin’. But ’tennyrate,
if it wuz anything out of the way I know he would never get
Robert to jine in with him.
CHAPTER XXXI

ng ROM Naples we went to Athens, Dorothy
4 wantin’ to see Greece while she was so nigh
to it, and Robert Strong wantin’ just what she
did every time. And Miss Meechim sayin’ that
| it would be a pity to go home and not be able
to say that we had been to what wuz once the most learned
and genteel place in the hull world.

“Yes,” sez Josiah, “I’d love to tell Elder Minkley and
the brethern I’d been there.”

And Miss Meechim went on to say that she wanted to see
the Acropolis and the Hall of the Nymphs and the Muses.

And Josiah told me that “they wuz nobody he had ever
neighbored with and didn’t know as he wanted to.”

I guess Miss Meechim didn’t hear him for she went on
and said, “Athens wuz named from Athena, the goddess
Minerva.”

And Josiah whispered to me “ to know if it wuz Minerva
Slimpsey, Simon’s oldest sister.”

And I sez, “ No, this Minerva, from what [ve hearn
of her, knew more than the hull Slimpsey family,” sez I.
“She wuz noted for her wisdom and knowledge, and I
spoze,” sez I, “ that she wuz the daughter of Jupiter.”

Josiah said Jupiter wuz nobody he ever see, though he
wuz familiar with his name. And I’d hearn on him too when
Josiah smashed his finger or slipped up on the ice or any-
thing, not that I wanted to in that tone. Arvilly thought
mebby she could canvass the royal family or some on ’em,
and Tommy wuz willin’ to go to any new place, and I spoze
Carabi wuz too. And I said I wanted to stand on Mars’
Hill, where Paul preached to the people about idolatry and

25

  
886 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

their worship of the Unknown God. As we sailed along the
shores Dorothy spoke of Sapho. Poor creeter! I wuz al-
ways sorry for her. You know she wuz disappointed, and
bein’ love-sick and discouraged she writ some poetry and
drownded herself some time ago.

And Robert Strong talked a good deal to Dorothy about
Plato and Homer and Xenophon and Euripides, Sophocles,
Phidias, and Socrates—and lots more of them old worthies;
folks, Josiah remarked to me, that had never lived any-
where round Jonesville way, he knew by the names. And
Dorothy quoted some poetry beginning:

“The isles of Greece, the isles of Greece.”

And Robert quoted some poetry. I know two lines of it
run:

“Maid of Athens, ere we part,
Give, O, give me back my heart.”

But his eyes wuzn’t on Athens at all. They wuz on Dor-
othy, and her face flushed up as rosy a pink as ever Miss
Sapho’s did when she wuz keepin’ company.

After we left the boat we rode over a level plain with
green trees by the wayside till we reached Athens and put
up at a good tarven. Athens, “ The eye of Greece,” mother
of arts and eloquence, wuz built in the first place round the
Acropolis, a hill about three hundred feet high, and is a place
that has seen twice as many ups and downs as Jonesville.
But then it’s older, three or four thousand years older, I
spoze, and has had a dretful time on’t since Mr. Theseus’s
day, take it with its archons or rulers, kings and generals,
and Turks, Goths and Franks, etc.

But it become the fountainhead of learning and civiliza-
tion, culture and education of the mind and the body. In
that age of health and beauty, study and exercise, the wim-
men didn’t wear any cossets, consequently they could breathe
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 387%

deep breaths and enjoy good health, and had healthy little
babies that they brought up first-rate as fur as the enjoyment
of good health goes, and Arvilly said she knew they didn’t
drink to excess from the looks of their statutes.

Athens also claims to be one of the birthplaces of Homer,
that good old blind poet. Robert Strong talked quite a good
deal about his poems, the Iliad and the Odyssy or the return
of Ulysses Odysses to his native land.

Josiah paid great attention to it, and afterwards he con-
fided to me that he thought of writin’ a Jodyssy or the return
of Josiah to Jonesville. He said when he recounted all his
wanderin’s and tribulations on the road and at tarvens with
starvation and tight clothes and all the other various ham-
pers he’d been hampered with he said that it would beat
that old Odyssy to nothin’ and nobody would ever look at it
agin. ‘“ Why,” sez he, “jest think how old that is, most a
thousand years B. C. It is time another wuz writ, and I’m
the one to write it.”

But I shall try to talk him out of it. He said he shouldn’t
begin it till our return to Jonesville, so Ury could help him
in measurin’ the lines with a stick. And when I am once
mistress of my own cook-stove and buttery I have one of the
most powerful weepons in the world to control my pardner
with.

I hain’t no great case to carry round relics, but I told Jo-
siah that I would give a dollar bill quick if I could git holt
of that old lantern that Diogenes used to carry round here
in the streets in broad daylight to find Truth with. How I'd
love to seen Mr. Diogenes and asked him if he ever found her.

Josiah said he would ruther own his wash-tub that he
used to travel round in. And which he wuz settin’ in when
Alexander the Great asked him what costly gift he could
bestow on him. And all that contented, independent creeter
asked for wuz to have the king not git between him and
the sun.

He snubbed Plato, too; didn’t want anything, only his
388 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFH

tub and his lantern and hunt round for a honest man, though
I don’t see how he got round in it. But Josiah sez the tub
wuz on castors, and he had a idee of havin’ our old washtub
fixed up and go to Washington, D. C., in it with our old tin
lantern, jest to be uneek and hunt round there for an honest
man.

Sez I middlin’ dry, “ You may have to go further, Jo-
siah.” But I shan’t encourage him in it. And our wash-tub
wouldn’t hold him up anyway; the hoops had sprung loose
before I left home.

At the southwest of Athens is the Mount Hymettus. I’d
hearrf a sight about its honey. Josiah thought he would love
to buy a swarm of bees there, but I asked him how could he
carry ’em to Jonesville. He said that if he could learn ’em
to fly ahead on us he could do it. But he can’t.

The road west wuz Eulusas, the Sacred Way. And to
the north wuz the Academy of Plato, and that of Aristotle
wuz not fur away. One day I see there on an old altar,
“Sacred to either a god or goddess.” They believed in the
rights of wimmen, them old Pagans did, which shows there
is good in everything.

And how smart Socrates wuz; I always sot store by him,
he wuz a good talker and likely in a good many ways, though
I spoze he and his wife didn’t live agreeable, and there might
have been blame on both sides and probable wuz. How
calm ‘the wuz when on trial for his life, and when he had
drunk the hemlock, sayin’ to his accusers:

“T go 'to death and you to life; but which of the twain
is better is known only to Divinity.”

And Mr. Plato; don’t it seem as if that old Pagan’s
words wuz prophetic of Christ when he spoke of an inspired
teacher:

“This just person must be poor, void of all qualifica-
tions save virtue. A wicked world will not bear his instruc-
tions and reproofs. And therefore within three or four
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 389

years after he begun to preach he should be persecuted, im-
prisoned, scourged, and at last put to death.”

Hundreds of years after, Paul preaching the religion of
Christ Jesus, met the Epicurians and Stoics representing
Pleasure and Pride. Strong foes that religion has to contend
with now. Then he addressed the multitude from the Are-
opagus, Mars’ Hill.

What feelin’s I felt; how real and nigh to my heart his
incomparable sermon that he preached in that place seemed
to be as I stood there. I thought of how the cultured,
beauty-loving nature of Paul must have been affected by
his surroundings as he stood there in the midst of statutes
and altars to Apollo, Venus, Bacchus. The colossial golden
figure of Minerva, holdin’ in her outstretched right hand a
statute of victory, four cubits high. So big and glorious-
lookin’ Minerva wuz that her glitterin’ helmet and shield
could be seen fur out to sea. The statute of Neptune on
horseback hurling his tridant; the temple to Ceres and all
the gods and goddesses they knew on and to the Unknown
God. Here Paul stood surrounded by all these temples so
magnificent that jest the gateway to ’em cost what would
be ten million dollars in our money.

Here in the face of all this glory he stood up and de-
clared that the true God, ‘‘ Lord of heaven and earth dwelt
not in temples made with hands.” And he went on to preach
the truth in Christ Jesus: repentance, remission of sin, the
resurrection of the dead. Some mocked and some put him
off by saying they would hear him again of this matter.
They felt so proud, their glory and magnificence seemed so
sure and enduring, their learning, art and accomplishments
seemed so fur above this obscure teacher of a new religion.

But there I stood on the crumbling ruins of all this gran-
deur and art. And the God of Paul that they had scorned to
“ feel after if haply they might find him,” wuz dominating the
hull world, bringing it to the knowledge of Christ Jesus:
“The gold and silver and stone wrought by many hands”
390 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

had crumbled away while the invisible wuz the real, the
truth wuz sure and would abide forever. How real it all
seemed to me as I stood there and my soul listened and be-
lieved like Dionysos and Damarus!

The market place wuz just below Mars’ Hill, and I spoze
the people talked it over whilst they wuz buyin’ and sellin’
there, about a strange man who had come preachin’ a new
doctrine and who had asked to speak to the people. It sez,
“ His heart was stirred within him and he taught them about
the true God” in the synagogue and market-place. As we
stood there in that hallowed spot, Miss Meechim said:

“Qh, that I had been there at that time and hearn that
convincin’ sermon, how glad would I have left all and fol-
lowed Him, like Dionysos and Damarus.”

“Well, I d’no,” sez Arvilly, “as folks are any more
willin’ now to let their old idols of Selfishness and Mammon
go and renounce the faults and worship the truth than they
wuz then.”

Miss Meechim scorfed at the idee, but I pondered it in
my own mind and wondered how many there really wuz
from Jonesville to Chicago, from Maine to Florida, ready to
believe in Him and work for the Millenium.

But to resoom. The Patessia is a beautiful avenoo, the
royal family drive there every day and the nobility and fash-
ionable people. The Greek ladies wear very bright clothing
in driving or walking. The road looks sometimes like a bed
of moving blossoms,

As in most every place where we travelled, Robert Strong
met someone he knew. Here wuz a gentleman he had en-
tertained in California, and he gave a barbecue or picnic
for us at Phalareum. A special train took the guests to it.
There wuz about thirty guests from Athens. The table
wuz laid in a pavilion clost to the sea shore covered with
vines, evergreens and flowers. Four lambs wuz roasted hull
and coffee wuz made in a boiler, choice fruits and foods were
served and wines for them that wanted ’em, It is needless
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 391

to say that I didn’t partake on’t, and Josiah, I’m proud to
say, under my watchful eyes, refused to look on it when it
wuz red, and Arvilly and Robert Strong and Dorothy turned
down their glasses on the servant’s approach bearin’ the
bottles.

Everything wuz put on the table to once and a large piece
of bread to each plate. No knives or forks are used at a
barbecue. We had sweetmeats, rose leaf glyco, oranges and
all kinds of fruit. The way they roast a lamb at a barbecue
—two large lambs are placed about four feet apart, the lamb
pierced lengthwise by a long pointed stick is hung over the
bed of live coals. They turn and baste it with olive oil and
salt and it is truly delicious.

One pleasant day we visited the King’s country place.
The dining room wuz a pavilion in a shady spot under orange
trees full of fruit and blossoms surrounded with a dense
hedge of evergreens, vines and blossoms. There wuz walks
in every direction bordered with lovely flowers. The
Queen’s private settin’ room is a pretty room, the furniture
covered with pink and white cretonne, no better than my
lounge is covered with to home in the spare room. And
in a little corner, hid by a screen of photographs wuz her
books and writing desk. The maids of honor had rooms
in a little vine covered cottage near by.

We of course went to see the ruins of the Parthenium,
built by Pericles and ornamented with the marbles of Phidias.
It wuz finished about four hundred and thirty years B.c.
and cost about four millions of our money. A great Bishop
once said:

“This was the finest edifice on the finest site in the world,
hallowed by the noblest recollections that can stimulate the
human heart.”

It stands on the highest point of the Acropolis and wuz
decorated by the greatest sculptor the world ever saw. It
stands on the site of an older temple to Minerva. They
thought a sight of that woman, It made me feel well to see
392 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

one of my sect so highly thought on though I did not ap-
prove of their worshippin’ her and I would never give my
consent to be worshipped on a monument, not for the world
I wouldn’t—no, indeed!

Robert Strong wanted to go to see the ruins of the
enormous temple of Jupiter where chariot races were run
and the Olympic games wuz fought that Paul speaks of so
many times in his letters to the churches.

But time wuz passin’ fast away and we thought best to
not linger there any longer and we went directly from there
to Vienna, a longer journey than we had took lately, but
Robert thought we had better not stop on the way.

Vienna is a beautiful city. I d’no as I would go so fur
as the Viennesse myself and say it is the most beautiful in
the world, but it stands up high amongst ’em.

The beautiful blue Danube makes a curve round it as if
it wuz real choice of it and loved to hold it in its arms. I
say blue Danube, but its waters are no more blue than our
Jonesville creek is pink. But mebby if I wuz goin’ to sing
about the creek I might call it blue or pink for poetical
purposes.

We had rooms nigh to the river, the banks of which wuz
terraced down to the water, and laid out in little parks, pub-
lic gardens full of flowers and trees and flowering shrubs.

There are two massive stun bridges in this part of the city,
and very handsome dwellin’ houses, churches, and the
Swartzenburg palace. The buildings are very handsome
here, more lofty and grand looking even than they are in
Paris, and you know you would imagine that wuz the flower
of the universe, and I needn’t mention the fact that I had to
gin into it that it goes fur beyend Jonesville.

The street called the Ring Strasse, I spoze because it
curves round some like a ring, is three milds long, and most
two hundred feet wide. And along this broad beautiful ave-
nue there are six rows of large chestnut trees, A track for
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR 393

horseback riders on one side, a broad carriage driveway, two
fine promenades, besides the walk.

Splendid buildin’s rise up on each side of this grand street,
and parks and gardens abound. At intervals there are large
roomy lawns, covered with velvety grass, where easy seats
under the trees invite you to rest and admire the beauty
around you, and the happy, gayly-dressed throng passing
and repassing in carriages, on horseback or walkin’ afoot,
thousands and thousands on ’em, and everyone, I spoze, a
pursuin’ their own goles, whatever they may be.

The first place we went to see wuz St. Stephen’s Church.
This is on a street much narrower than the Ring Strasse.
The sidewalks wuz very narrer here, so when you met folks
you had to squeeze up pretty nigh the curbstun or step out
into the carriage way; but no matter how close the quarters
wuz you would meet with no rough talk or impoliteness.
They wuz as polite as the Japans, with more intelligence
added.

St. Stephen’s Cathedral is a magnificent Gothic structure,
three hundred and fifty-four feet long and two hundred and
thirty broad, and is full of magnificent monuments, altars,
statutes, carving, etc., etc. The monument to the Emperor
Frederic III. has over two hundred figures on it.

Here is the tomb of the King of Rome, Napoleon’s only
son, and his ma, Maria Louise. I had queer feelin’s as I
stood by them tombs and meditated how much ambition and
heart burnin’ wuz buried here in the tomb of that young
King of Rome. I thought of how his pa divorced the
woman he loved, breakin’ her heart, and his own mebby,
for the ambitious desire to have a son connected with the
royalty of Europe, to carry on his power and glory, and
make it more permanent. And how the new wife turned
away from him in his trouble, and the boy died, and he car-
ried his broken heart into exile. And the descendant of the
constant-hearted woman he put away, set down on the
throne of France, and then he, too, and his boy, had to pass
394 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

away like leaves whirled about in the devastatin’ wind of war
and change. What ups and downs! I had a variety of
emotions as I stood there, and I guess Josiah did, though I
don’t know. But I judged from his liniment; he looked real
demute.

The catacombs under this meetin’-house are a sight to
see I spoze, but we didn’t pay a visit to ’°em. Josiah had a
idee that they wuz built to bury cats in, and he said he didn’t
want to go to any cat buryin’-ground. He said there wuzn’t
a cat in Europe so likely as ourn, but he wouldn’t think of
givin’ it funeral honors.

But he didn’t git it right. It wuz a place where they
buried human bein’s, but I didn’t care anything about seein’
it.

Robert got a big carriage, and we all driv over to the
Prater, a most beautiful park on an island in the Danube.
The broad, flower-bordered avenues wuz crowded with ele-
gant carriages and beautiful forms and faces wuz constantly
passing hither and yon, to and fro, and the scene all round
us wuz enchantin’ly beautiful. We had a delightful drive,
and when we got back to the tarven we found quite a lot of
letters that had been forwarded here. Josiah and I had
letters from Jonesville, welcome as the voice of the first
bird in spring, all well and hopeful of our speedy meetin’;
but Miss Meechim had one tellin’ of dretful doin’s in her old
home.

We'd heard that there had been a great labor strike out
in California, but little did we know how severe it had struck.
Rev. Mr. Weakdew had writ to Miss Meechim how some
of the rebellious workmen had riz up against his son in his
absence. He told how wickedly they wuz actin’ and how
impossible it wuz in his opinion to make them act genteel,
but he said in his letter that his son had been telegrafted
to to come home at once. He said Mudd-Weakdew always
had been successful in quelling these rebellious workmen
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 395

down, and making them keep their place, and he thought
he would now as soon as he arrived there.

I know Arvilly and Miss Meechim had words about it
when she read the letter. Miss Meechim deplored the state
of affairs, and resented Arvilly’s talk; she said it was so
wicked to help array one class aginst another.

“They be arrayed now,” sez Arvilly. ‘“ Selfishness and
Greed are arrayed aginst Justice and Humanity, and the
baby Peace is bein’ trompled on and run over, and haggard
Want and Famine prowl on the bare fields of Poverty,
waitin’ for victims, and the cries of the perishin’ fill the air.”

Arvilly turned real eloquent. I mistrusted mebby she’d
catched it from me, but Miss Meechim turned up her nose
and acted dretful high-headed and said there was nothing
genteel in such actions and she wouldn’t gin in a mite till that
day in Vienna she had a letter that brought her nose down
where it belonged, and she acted different after readin’ it and
didn’t talk any more about gentility or the onbroken pros-
perity of the Mudd-Weakdews, and I wuz shocked myself
to hear what wuz writ.

As I say, Miss Meechim read it and grew pale, the letter
dropped in her lap and she trembled like a popple leaf, for it
told of a dretful tragedy. It wuz writ by a friend in Sacra-
mento and the tragedy wuz concernin’ the Mudd-Weak-
dews. On hearin’ of the strike, the Mudd-Weakdews had
hurried home from their trip abroad and he had tried to quell
the strike, but found it wouldn’t quell. He had been shot at
but not killed; the shot went through his eyes, and he would
be blind for life. A deadly fever had broke out in the tene-
ments on the street back of his palace, caused, the doctors
said, by the terrible onsanitary surroundings, and helped
on by want and starvation. The families of his workmen
had died off like dead leaves fallin’ from rotten trees in the
fall. The tenements wuz not fur from the Mudd-Weakdew
garden where Dorris loved to stay, who had stayed at home
with a governess and a genteel relative during her parents’

25
396 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

absence. The garden wuz full of trees, blossoms and flower-
ing shrubs, a fountain dashed up its clear water into the
air and tall white statutes stood guard over Dorris in her
happy play. But some deadly germ wuz wafted from that
filthy, ghastly place, over the roses and lilies and pure waters,
and sweet Dorris wuz the victim.

The clear waters and fresh green lawns and fragrant
posies didn’t extend fur enough back; if they had her life
might have been saved, but they only went as fur as the
sharp wall her pa had riz up and thought safely warded his
own child from all the evils of the lower classes.

No, it didn’t go fur enough back, and sweet Dorris had
to pay the penalty of her pa’s blindness and selfishness. For
what duz the Book say? “ The innocent shall suffer for the
guilty.”

Her broken-hearted mother followed her to the grave,
and it wuz on that very day, Mudd-Weakdew bein’ shut up
with doctors, that the little boy wuz stolen. The discharged
workman, whose little boy had died of starvation, disappeared
too. He wuz said to be half-crazy and had threatened ven-
geance on his old employer. There wuz a story that he had
been seen with a child richly dressed, and afterwards with a
child dressed in the coarse clothing of the poor, embarking
on a foreign ship, but the clue wuz lost, so the living trouble
wuz worse to bear than the dead one.

The strike wuz ended, Capital coming out ahead; the
workmen had lost, and the Mudd-Weakdews had a chance
to coin more money than ever out of the half-paid labor
and wretched lives of their men. They could still be exclu-
sive and foller the star of gentility till it stood over the cold
marble palace of disdainful nobility. But the wall of separa-
tion he had built up between wealth and poverty had not
stood the strain; Deadly Pestilence, Triumphant Hatred and
sharp-toothed Revenge had clumb over and attacked him
with their sharp fangs, him and his wife, and they had to
bear it.
AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 39%

I knowed it, I knowed that no walls can ever be built
high enough to separate the sordid, neglected, wretched lives
of the poor and the luxurious, pleasure-filled lives of the
rich. Between the ignorant criminal classes and the educated
and innocent. You may make ’em strong as the Pyramaids
and high as the tower of Babel, but the passions and weak-
nesses of humanity will scale ’em and find a way through.

The vile air of the low lands will float over into and con-
taminate the pure air of the guarded pleasure gardens, and
the evil germs will carry disease, crime and death, no matter
how many fountains and white statutes and posies you may
set up between. Envy, Discontent and Revenge will break
through the walls and meet Oppression, Insolence and In-
justice, and they will tear and rend each other. They always
have and always will. Robert Strong, instead of buildin’ up
that wall, spends his strength in tearin’ it down and settin’
on its crumblin’ ruins the white flowers of Love and Peace.

Holdin’ Oppression and Injustice back with a hard bit
and makin’ ’em behave, makin’ Envy and Hatred sheath their
claws some as a cat will when it is warm and happy. He
tears down mouldy walls and lets the sunshine in. Pullin’ up
what bad-smellin’ weeds he can in the gardens of the poor,
and transplantin’ some of the overcrowded posy beds of
the rich into the bare sile, makin’ ’em both look better and
do better. I set store by him. But to resoom:
CHAPTER XXXII

I MONGST my letters wuz one from Evangeline

DY ANN) Noble tellin’ of her safe arrival in Africa and

f Ee a of the beginning of her work there, some like
WAS d strikin’ a match to light a lamp in a dark suller,
but different from that because the light she lit
wuz table to light other lamps, and so on and on and on till
no tellin’ what a glorious brilliance would shine from the one
little rushlight she wuz kindlin’. She felt it, she wuz happy
with that best kind of happiness, doin’ good. She spoke of
Cousin John Richard, too; he wuz not in the same place
she wuz, but she hearn of him often, for his life wuz like a vase
filled with the precious ointment broke at the feet of Jesus.
Broken in a earthly sense, but the rich aroma sweetened the
whole air about and ascended to the very heavens.

A missionary she knew had seen him just before she
wrote me. He wuz working, giving his life and finding it
again, useful, happy, beloved. Not a success in a worldly
way; Mudd-Weakdew would have called it a dead failure.
In place of a palace, Cousin John Richard could not call even
the poor ruff that sheltered him his own. Instead of a retinue
of servants, Cousin John Richard worked diligently with his
hands to earn his daily bread; instead of stocks and bonds
bringing him rich revenues, he had only the title deeds of
the house of many mansions, and Mudd-Weakdew would
not have accepted any deeds unless signed before a notary
and sealed with our govermunt stamp. No wealth, no lux-
uries, not hardly the necessities of life had Cousin John
Richard, whilst Mudd-Weakdew wuz steeped in the atmos-
phere of wealth and grandeur for which he had lived and
toiled, yet Cousin John Richard wuz blissfully happy and

       
     

   

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 399

content, Mudd-Weakdew unspeakably and _ hopelessly
wretched. Both had follored their goles and wuz settin’
on ’em, but, oh! how different they wuz—how different to
themselves and them about ’em. Inspiration and help flowed
from Cousin John Richard’s personality like the warm sun-
shine of a clear June day, or the perfume from a rare lily,
brightening, sweetening and uplifting all about him, whilst
from Mudd-Weakdew fell a dark shadder made up of gloom,
discontent, envy, hatred. How different they wuz, how dif-
ferent they wuz! And Robert Strong’s gole, how different
his wuz from Mudd-Weakdew’s. I methought of what Miss
Meechim: had said to me deplorin’ly, how different Robert
Strong wuz. Yes, indeed! both on ’em had had fur different
goles and pursued ’em. The onselfish road Robert Strong
trod wuz leadin’ him to the house of happiness—Mudd-
Weakdew’s to the house of pain and despair.

I dare presoom to say I eppisoded more’n a hour to my-
self about it and to Josiah, ’tennyrate Josiah got real huffy
and acted, and sez in a pitiful axent:

“Samantha, I’m willin’ to hear preachin’ twice a week
and can set under it like a man, but it comes kinder tough
to have moralizin’ and preachin’ brung into the bosom of
the family and liable to be drizzled out onto me week days,
and any time, night or day.”

His axent wuz extremely hopeless and pitiful. He felt
a good deal as I did in the matter, but it is a man’s nater to
be more impatient and not bear the yoke so well as wimmen
do. Wimmen are more used to galdin’ things than men be;
I don’t blame Josiah.

I wuz glad enough to see in Vienna the stately monu-
ment to Maria Theresa, Empress of Austria Hungary. To
see all about her and below her the noble forms of Wisdom,
Strength, Justice and Religion. And men a-hoss back and
sages and soldiers and to see her a-settin’ so calm and benine
on top of the hull caboodle, it gin me proud sensations and
made me glad I wuz a woman, but not haughty.
400 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Maria Theresa wuz a likely woman; I wish she could have
lived to have me encourage her by tellin’ her what I thought
on her. I would said to her:

“ Marie,” sez I, “ you did well with what you had to do
with, your pardner left a sight for you to tend to, as pard-
ners will if they see their consort is willing to bear the brunt.
You went through no end of trials and tribulations, wars and
revolutions, but come off victorious. You helped the poor
a sight, abolished torture, sot up schoolhouses, fenced in the
roarin’ Papal bulls so they couldn’t break out and rare round
so much, you helped on the industries of your country,
looked out for the best interests of your husband and son, as
pardners and mothers will and looked and acted like a
perfect lady through it all in war and peace.”

It would done Marie sights of good to hearn my talk, but
it wuzn’t to be. But this high, noble monument wuz some
consolation to her if she could look down and see it, as I
spoze she can and duz. And partly on her ma’s account I
visited the tomb of her girl, Marie Christina. It wuz de-
signed by Canova and wuz the most beautiful tomb I ever
see. Nine beautiful figgers with heads bowed down in
grief wuz bearin’ garlands of flowers to strew above the be-
loved head, Youth, Middle Age and Old Age all bearin’
their different garlands and seemin’ to feel real bad, even
the mighty angel who guarded the open door of the tomb
had his head bowed in sorrow. Way up above wuz the face
of the beautiful Arch Duchess carved in marble, with angels
and cherubs surroundin’ her. Josiah said if he wuz able
he would love to rare such a one up for Tirzah Ann. Sez he,
“She could enjoy it durin’ her life and if she should pass
away before us it would come handy.” He thought the
features of the Arch Duchess favored Tirzah Ann, but I
couldn’t see it.

Albert Fountain is a noble-lookin’ structure rared up by
Francis Joseph in 1869. We also visited the Academy of
Fine Arts, the conservatory of music, Museums of Arts
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 401

and Industries, the new Parliament and University build-
ings. The University building has one hundred and sixty
thousand volumes and engravings and drawing enough to
fill up an ordinary building, the collection of manuscripts is
called the richest in the world.

The teachers in the University of Vienna number two
hundred and ten, good land! enough to make a good school
in themselves if anybody knowed enough to teach ’em.
In the Chamber of Treasures in the Imperial Palace we see
the largest emerald known to the world and the Florentine
Diamond, 133 karats big, though Josiah said when I told
him on’t that wuz nothin’ to carrots he’d raised in his gar-
den, but I sot ‘him right. There wuz more than one hun-
dred and forty thousand coins and all sorts of minerals and
a great quantity of bronzes, gems and cameos.

I hated to give in, but I had to. I see cameos there that
went fur beyend mine. We visited gymnasiums, public
schools, ‘institutes, colleges and more noble and interestin’
edifices than I could tell you jest the names on unless I took
loads of time.

The principal articles of manufacture in Vienna are jew-
elry, clocks, kid gloves, musical instruments, shawls, silks
and velvets. It is supplied with water that comes forty milds
in an aqueduct and gits there as fresh and sparklin’ as if it
hadn’t travelled a mild.

I felt that I ort to go and see the Emperor, Francis
Joseph, while I wuz in Vienna. I knowed that if my Josiah
had been took from my heart and presence as his Elizabeth
had been and he’d come to Jonesville to see the sights and
look round some as I wuz doin’ and hadn’t come to condole
with me I should feel dretful hurt.

Just to think on’t, the sweet, beautiful woman that he
had loved ever sence she wuz a little girl in short dresses
and would marry in spite of all opposition, and who had
been his confidant and closest earthly friend for so many long
years a settin’ up there by his side on that hard peak with

26
402 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

the kodaks of the world aimed at ’em, and rejoiced in his
joy and sympathized in his sorrow, to have her struck down
so sudden and to once by the hand of a assassin. Why, if
it had been my Josiah I couldn’t have bore up as Fritz had;
it seems to me as if I never could have held my head up at all
after it.

But Fritz had bore up under his sorrow all these years
and carryin’ it along he bore also the load of his people’s
cares and perplexities and tried to do the best he could with
what he had to do with, which is a golden rule to frame and
hang up over our soul’s mantletry piece and study from day
to day and which is the very best a human creeter can do in
Jonesville or Austria.

I sot store by him. One thing specially I always liked in
him wuz his humility and reverence, as showed by the foot-
washing in the palace. I'd hearn about that, and wanted to
see it myself, like a dog, but it wuz too late, for that takes
place in April. But Robert Strong wuz here once in April,
and witnessed that ceremony.

It is a old custom, comin’ from so fur back that nobody
knows what monarch it wuz and whose feet they wuz, and
whether they needed washin’ or not. But I presoom they
wuz middlin’ clean; they be now anyway, and the Emperor
doesn’t do it for bathin’ purposes or to help corns, but it is
a religious custom. Robert explained it all out to me so
plain that I almost seemed to see it myself.

Robert said that the day he wuz here there wuz twelve
old men, some on ’em ninety years old, seated at a table set
out handsome with good dishes, napkins, etc., and the table
all covered with rose leaves, and under it brown linen cush-
ions for the old feet to rest on.

The old men had on black clothes, short breeches, black
silk stockings, and wide white turned-down collars. They
wuz seated by grand court officials, the oldest man seated
at the head of the table. Anon the Emperor come in in full
uniform, with a train of nobility and big court officers with
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 403

him, all in gorgeous attire, and the Emperor took his place at
the head of the table as a waiter to wait on the oldest old man.
And then follered twelve palace officials, each bearin’ a
black tray that had four dishes of good food on it, and they
took their places opposite the old men who set on one side
of the table, some as they do in pictures of the Last Supper
or some as we have some times in cleanin’ house and things
tore up and we all set on one side of the table.

Then all bein’ ready, the Emperor took the food off the
tray opposite the oldest man, and waited on him jest as
polite as Philury waits on me when we have company. The
Crown Prince waited on the one next in age, and each of the
old men wuz waited on by some grand duke or other mem-
ber of the Austrian nobility.

After the trays wuz emptied, the palace guard, in full uni-
form, come in with twelve more trays, and so on till four
courses wuz served, the last consistin’ of a sweet dish, fruit,
cheese, almonds, etc. After this, and it wuz done quite quick,
for not a mouthful wuz eaten, a large, gold tray wuz brought
in with a gold pitcher on it and a large napkin, and the
Emperor knelt and poured a little water on the old man’s
foot, and wiped it on the napkin. It wuzn’t very dirty, I
spoze; his folks had tended to that, and got off the worst of it.
But he had had his foot washed by a Emperor, and I spoze
he felt his oats more or less, as the sayin’ is in rural districts,
though he orten’t to, seein’ it wuz a religious ceremony to
inculcate humility, and the old man ort to felt it too, as well
as the Emperor. But howsumever, the hull twelve on ’em
had their feet washed and wiped by nobility. And that bein’
done, the Emperor, Crown Prince, and all the arch dukes,
etc., havin’ riz up from their knees, the Grand Chamberlain
poured some water on the Emperor’s hands, who dried ’em
on a napkin, and all the rest of the nobility done the same.

Then a court officer come in bringin’ twelve black bags
of money containing each thirty silver florins. They had
long black cords attached, and the Emperor fastened the
404 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

bags around the necks of each of the old men by putting the
cords round their necks. Then the Empeor and nobility left
the hall.

All durin’ this ceremony a priest and twenty assistants
read and intoned beautiful extracts from the Gospel, showin’
how the Lord washed the disciples’ feet. Then all the food
and plates and foot cushions wuz packed into baskets and
sent to the houses of these old men, and I wuz glad to hear
that, for I thought how they must have felt to have such
tasty food put before ’em and took away agin for good and
all.

When the Empress wuz alive she did the same to twelve
old wimmen—good creetur! Wuzn’t it discouragin’ to wash
the feet of the poorer classes every year of her life, and then
be shot down by one on ’em? How Fritz must have felt
a-thinkin’ on’t! If he’d been revengeful, I felt that he might
have gin their feet a real vicious rub—kinder dug into ’em
real savage; but he didn’t; he washed and wiped ’em honora-
ble, from what I ’ve hearn.

I always thought that that wuz a noble thing for the
Emperor to do. I d’no as our presidents would be willin’ to
do it, and I d’no as they wouldn’t. I don’t believe the ques-
tion has ever been put to’em. I guess Washington and Lin-
coln would anyway, and I don’t believe that they would have
shrunk back if the feet wuz real dirty; they went through
worse things than that.

But to resoom: Robert Strong’s description of this seen
made me set more store by Fritz Joseph than I had sot. And
I wanted dretfully to meet him and condole with him and
congratulate him, but didn’t know as I should have a chance.
But to my great satisfaction we wuz all invited to the palace
to a big informal reception. I wuz tickled enough.

I spoze it wuz on Robert Strong’s account that we wuz
invited to the Emperor’s palace, though Josiah thought it
wuz on his account. Sez he:

“ Fritz is a educated man and reads about foreign affairs;
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR 405

of course, he has hearn of Jonesville and knows that I am
one of its leadin’ men, and wield a powerful influence in po-
litical and religious circles, and wants to honor me and on
my account and to please me, and for various diplomatic
reasons he is willin’ to receive my pardner.”

But it wuzn’t so, no such thing; it wuz on Robert’s ac-
count; Robert had been invited there for lunch when he wuz
there before, for Miss Meechim had told me on’t over and
over. When the evening of the reception come, Miss Mee-
chim wuz in high feather every way. She wore one in her
hair that stood up higher than old Hail The Day’s tail
feathers, and then her sperits wuz all feathered out, too.

Dorothy looked sweet as a rose just blowed out. She
had on a gown of pale-green satin and shiffon, which looked
some the color of fresh, delicate leaves, and her sweet face
riz up from it and bloomed out like a flower. It wuz a little
low in the neck, which wuz white as snow, and so wuz her
round arms. A necklace of big pearls wuz round her neck,
not much whiter than the warm, soft flesh they rested on,
and she carried a big bunch of white orchids. She looked
good enough to frame in gold and hang up in anybody’s best
parlor, and Robert Strong felt just as I did I knew by his lini-
ment. On such a occasion, I felt my best black silk none too
good, and at Dorothy’s request I turned down the neck a lit-
tle in front, mebby a half a finger or so, and wore a piece of
lace she gin me over it that come down to my belt. It looked
like a cob-web that had ketched in its transparent meshes
some voylets and snowdrops. And at her request I did not
wear the cameo pin, but a little bunch of posies she fixed
for me, fine white posies with a few pale lavender ones. I
spoze Dorothy, though she didn’t tell me so, for fear it
would make me oneasy and nervious, but I spoze she wuz
afraid that some bold thief might rob me of that valuable
jewel; she knowed that cameo pin fell onto me from Mother
Smith and fell onto her from her ma. This rim of memory sot
it round and rendered it valuable aside from its intrinsic
406 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

worth, which wuz great. Why, I hearn that Grandmother
Smith paid as high as seven dollars for it, gin five bushels
of dried apples and the rest in money. Tommy stayed to
home with Martha.

The guests wuz ushered into a spacious and magnificent
room. Innumerable lights flashed from its lofty ceilings and
music and flowers brightened the seen. The rich costooms
of the ladies and the gorgeous uniforms of the men, repre-
sentatives of the different countries, richly embroidered in
gold and silver, added to the beauty of the panorama. Jewels
wuz sparklin’ everywhere, and I thought to myself I d’no
but Dorothy wuz more fraid than she need be, I d’no; but I
might have resked the cameo pin there. For it didn’t seem
as if anybody there, man or woman, stood in need of any
more ornaments, and if they took it, I should always thought
they done it out of pure meanness. For such a profusion
of jewelled ornaments I never see, and such dresses, oh, my!
I thought even before I met the royal party what would I
give if Almina Hagadone could be sot down there with lib-
erty to bring a lot of old newspapers, the Jonesville “ Aug-
urses”” and “ Gimlets” and take patterns. Oh, my! wuzn’t
they grand, though our good Methodist sisters wouldn’t
dream of havin’ their calico and woosted dresses with such
long trains draggin’ behind “em or havin’ ’em low-necked
and short sleeves. I could hardly imagine how Sister Gow-
dey and Sister Henzy would look with their chocolate-col-
ored calicos made without sleeves and dekolitay, as Miss
Meechim called it; they would blush to entertain the
thought, and so would their pardners.

Francis Joseph, or as I called him in my mind, the good
crisp name of Fritz, I found wuz good lookin’ and good
actin’. Of course, like myself and Josiah, he’s gittin’ some
along in years. And like us, too, he won’t most probable
ever be hung for his beauty. But what of that? Like others
lately mentioned, his liniment shows just what kind of a per-
son he has been and is. Honest, honorable, hard-workin’,
AROUND THE WORLD WiTH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 40%

gittin’ up at five o’clock in the mornin’, doin’ a good day’s
work before lots of folks rises up from their goose-feather
pillers. Fillin’ up the day with duties performed to the best
of his ability. Good, solid-lookin’ and good-actin’ the most
of the time, though I spoze that like every human bein’, he
has had spells of bein’ contrary and actin’, but on the whole
a good man, and a well-wisher to his race.

And now in this dretful epock of time, when everything
seemed upside down, thrones tottlin’ and foundations warp-
in’, and the roar of battle comin’ nigher and nigher on every
side, I felt that it wuz a great thing for him that he had the
chance to hear some words of encouragement and advice.
Yes, I knowed that if ever the Powers wuz in a tight place
they wuz now.

I wuz the last one in the line, and so had a chance at him;
I shouldn’t have had if Miss Meechim and Arvilly had been
follerin’ close to my heels. I had said in days gone by that
if I ever got holt of one of them Powers I would give ’em
a piece of my mind that they could patch onto their daily
experience, and tremble and wonder at it for the rest of their
days. I had been riled up by these Powers a number of
times, real provoked and out of patience with ’em. But
now when I stood in the presence of one of ’em I felt different
from what I thought I should feel; I pitied ‘em like a dog.
And I showed it. I mistrust my liniment looked pale and
excited, though not havin’ a lookin’ glass present I couldn’t
tell for certain, but I know my voice trembled with emotion,
for I hearn it myself.

I sez to him how proud and happy I wuz to see him
lookin’ so well and holdin’ his age to such a remarkable de-
gree, and after a few such preliminary politenesses had been
tended to, I branched out and told him with my liniment.
lookin’ good and earnest I know, and tears almost standin’
in my eyes, I told him the feelin’s I felt for the Powers, how
mad I’d been at ’em in the past, and how them feelin’s had
turned into pity, for I knowed just what a ticklish place they
408 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

wuz in and how necessary it wuz for ’em to keep a cool head
and a wise, religious heart, and then, sez I, “I d’no as that
will save you. You Powers have got so hard a job to tackle
that it don’t seem to me you'll ever git out of it with hull
skins if you don’t use all the caution a elephant duz in crossin’
a bridge. Go cautious and carefull and reach out and try
every plank before you step on’t.”

He felt it, I could see he did, he knowed how the ground
wuz quakin’ under him and the rest of the Powerses. “‘ And
don’t,” sez I, “don’t for mercy’s sake! you Powers git to
squabblin’ amongst yourselves, for if you do you might just
as well give up first as last, for you are all lost as sure as
fate. Keep your temper above all things,” sez I. “ You’ve
got age and experience as well as I have, and it takes such
experienced wise heads to manage such a state of affairs,
and I d’no even then as we can git along without an awful
fuss, things are so muddled up. Mebby you're the very one
to go on and try to straighten out the snarls in the skein of
the nation’s trials and perplexities, and I’ll do all I can to
help you,” sez I.

He wuz dretful impressed by my eloquence; he acted
for all the world just as Mr. Astofeller did’ He looked at
his watch just as if he wuz anxious to know just the time I
said such remarkable things, and I continued on, “ Sister
Henzy,” sez I, “ thinks that the millenium is comin’.”

“Sister Henzy?” sez he inquirin’ly.

“Yes,” sez I, “ Sister Mehala Henzy, sister in the M. E.
meetin’-house at Jonesville. She sez that this is the great
universal war that is to usher in the thousand years of peace
and the comin’ of our Lord. She reads Skripter a sight
and has: explained it out to me and I must say it does look
like it. And oh how I do want to be here to see it, but don’t
spoze Josiah and I can live a thousand years, no matter
how much patent medicine we take, specially as we both
have the rumatiz bad, but oh how I would love to.

“ Brother Meesick thinks this is goin’ to be a war of the
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 409

yellow races agin the whites. And though it would come
tough on Josiah and me to be driv out of house and home
and scalped and made slaves on, yet right whilst them yeller
races wuz engaged in it if I could think at all—and of course
I don’t know how much the seat of thought is situated in the
crown of the head and hair and whether the entire citadel
would go with the scalp, but if I could think and keep my
conscientiousness as I spoze I should, I should have to give
in right then and there that it wuz only justice fur the white
races to submit to the revenge of the darker complected,
thinkin’ what we’d done to them.

“Josiah bein’ so bald they would probable have to take
his head right off, not havin’ anything to hang onto while
they scalped him, and I should probably foller him soon, as
I couldn’t imagine a life Josiahless. But whilst I lived, and
even if I wuz sold into captivity, and see Thomas J. and the
rest of the children sold into distant countries, and I chained
to widder Henzy, drove off west to be slaves to Hole In The
Day or Big Thunder, I should have to say amidst my heart
breakin’ groans and sithes, it is just, it is just, we white folks
richly deserve it for our treatment to the darker races.”

The Emperor felt my talk deeply, I knew by his looks;
he looked completely wore out; it wuz from admiration I
knowed.

Sez I: “It is a dretful thing to have all the beasts of the
world git mixed up and a-fightin’ and chankin’ each other
up, as they have seemed to, whilst the Powers have sot and
looked on. Jest now it looks to me as if the Russian Bear
is gittin’ the worst on’t and the dragon a-comin’ out on top,
and the Eagle has done noble work a-shriekin’ and fightin’
and protectin’ her young.

“Tt seemed to me and Josiah that the Powers have took
things pretty easy and loitered along when their ministers
and missionaries wuz chased into a corner and the Boxers
ready to take their heads off. It makes a sight of difference
in such things whose heads are in danger. If it wuz the
410 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Powers’ own heads, for instance, there would probable been
more hustlin’ round.

“ But things are in a dretful state in Russia and Japan
and China. It is a great pity I hadn’t knowed what wuz
comin’ when I wuz there; I could probable done lots of good
advisin’ the Empress and tryin’ to make her do as she ort to,
though my pardner thinks the blame hain’t all on China. He
argys wrong, but is sot on it. He sez spozen he wuz slow
with his spring’s work and didn’t keep his fences up, or hustle
round so and mebby didn’t pay Ury so big wages as the
Loontowners did in their factory, and wuzn’t what they
called sound on the doctrines. You know they are seven-
day Baptisses over in Loontown and Shackville; but Josiah
sez if them two Powers got together and tried to force Loon-
ton and Shackville civilization and ways onto Jonesville,
which is a older place and glad to be kinder settled down
and mind its own bizness; and if they should try to build
roads through Jonesville medders and berry lots and set up
their tabernacles and manufacturys there and steal right and
left and divide Jonesville into pieces and divide the pieces
amongst ’em, why, sez he, ‘I would arm myself and Ury
and fight to the bitter hind end.’

“Sez Josiah: ‘ Why do we want our pleasant woods and
fields turned into noisy bedlams by the whirrin’ of wheels,
creakin’ of engines and the’ roar and smoke and dust of
traffick? Spozein’ we should make more money and dress
better and own more books; money hain’t everything in life,
nor hustlin’ in bizness; peace and comfort and mindin’ your
own bizness is sunthin’,’

“““ And wheresoever them noisy manufactories go, there
goes whiskey,’ sez Arvilly. A neighborin’ woman who wuz
by and jined in: ‘ What good duz it do to try to settle which
is the right Sunday if at the same time them proselyters
brings pizen that crazes their converts so they can’t tell Sun-
day mornin’ from Friday midnight, bring the preachin’ of
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 411

love and peace and the practice of hatred and ruin, the creeds
and catechism packed on with opium and whiskey.’

““Yes,’ sez Josiah, ‘let me catch the Loontown and
Shackville Powers tryin’ to divide Jonesville into pieces and
grabbin’ the pieces and dividin’ "em up amongst ’em and
turnin’ us out of house and hum, I guess them powers would
find they had got hold of a Boxer when they come to cut
up my paster and divide it and the medder back of the house
where grandfather Allen’s grandpa and great-grandma lays
with a white railin’ round ’em, kep’ up by the Allens two hun-
dred years. I guess they’d think they had got holt of a
Boxer—yes indeed!’ and Josiah Allen breathed hard and
looked warlike.

“* But,’ I sez, ‘Josiah, you hain’t got it right; there is
more to it.’

“ And he sez fiery red in the face and sithin’ hard, ‘ There
is generally more to everything.’ And I sez, ‘So there is,
Josiah.’ ”

I see the Emperor lookin’ round anxiously and he seemed
to be on the very pint of startin’ away. I mistrusted he
wanted to go and git more folks to hear my wonderful elo-
quence, but I couldn’t wait and I sez, “ Time and Josiah are
passin’ away and I mustn’t detain you; you Powers will have
to do the best you can with what you’ve got to do with.
Wisdom is needed here, and goodness, piles and piles of
goodness and patience and above all prayer to the God of
love and justice for help. He is the only Power that can
bring light into the dark problem confrontin’ the nations.
He can settle the question and will, if you Powers trust Him
and try to foller his teachin’s.”

“The only receipt I can give you is what I told you.
Seekin’ earnestly for patience and wisdom from on high,
payin’ no attention to the blue light that rises from the low
grounds lit by Greed, Ambition and Revenge, follerin’ from
day to day the light that filters down from heaven through
the winders of the mind and soul, and keepin’ them winders
412 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

as clean as possible so the light can shine through. Brushin’
away, as fur as your powers can, the black cob-webs from
your own civilizations whilst you are tacklin’ the scrubbin’
brush to cleanse older and dirtier ones, and don’t for mercy
sake in the name of freedom take away freedom from any
race or nation. I d’no what else you can do.”

Agin he looked anxiously round as much as to say, oh
why, why don’t somebody else come to hear this remarkable
talk?

And sez I, “I will say in conclusion for your encourage-
ment, fur off over the hills and dells of the world and Jones-
ville there will be one follerin’ you with earnest good wishes
and prayers and will help you Powers all she can and may
God help you and the other Powerses and farewell.”

He looked dretful relieved as he shook my hand and I
passed on. I guess he had worried for fear it would be out
of sight, out of mind with me, and I rejoined my pardner.
The rest of our party had passed on into another gorgeous
apartment, but my faithful pardner had waited for me. He
wuz rejoiced to see me I knowed, though his words wuz:

“ What under the sun wuz you hangin’ round and preach-
in’ to a Emperor for? I believe you would dast anything.”

“ T hope I would,” sez I, calmly, ‘ upheld by Duty’s apron
strings.” I wouldn’t have it knowed in Jonesville for a dollar
bill that right there in the Emperor’s palace Josiah demeaned
himself so, but he did say:

“T don’t want to hear any more about them infarnal
strings.”

And a gorgeous official looked round at him in surprise
and rebuke. Well, we didn’t stay a great while after that.
We walked round a little longer through the magnificent
rooms, and anon we met Arvilly. She wuz lookin’ through a
carved archway at the distant form of the Emperor and un-
fastenin’ the puckerin’ strings of her work-bag, but I laid holt
of her arm and sez;
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH 413

“ Arvilly, for pity sake help me find Robert and Dorothy.
She turned with me, and my soul soared up considerable to
think I had already begun to help the powers and lighten
their burdens. And pretty soon the rest of our party jined
us, and we returned home to our tarven.
CHAPTER XXXIII

great Bohemian watering place. She said it
wuz a genteel spot and very genteel folks went
there to drink the water and take the mud
baths. And so we took a trip there from
Vienna. ae is only a twelve-hours’ journey by rail. Our road
lay along the valley of the Danube, and seemed to be situated
in a sort of a valley or low ground, till we reached the fron-
tiers of Bohemia, but it wuz all interestin’ to us, for novelty
is as refreshin’ to older ones as to children. Cheerful, clean-
lookin’ little villages wuz scattered along the way, flourishin’
orchards and long fields of grass and grain, and not a fence or
hedge to break the peaceful beauty of the picture.

Anon we entered a mountainous country with blue lakes
and forests of tall pine trees and knowed we had entered
Bohemia. We see gypsy tents anon or oftener, for what
are gypsies but true Bohemians, wanderers at will, hither and
yon.

Josiah mentioned the idee of our leavin’ the train for an
hour or two and havin’ our fortunes told by a real gypsy,
but I told him sotey vosey that my fortune come along
about as fast as I wuz ready for it, and I didn’t know as I
wanted to pay these swarthy creeters for lyin’ to me. And
he didn’t contend for it, for which I wuz thankful.

All along the way we see shrines with the faces of our
Lord and Mary and Joseph lookin’ out of ’em. And anon
a little hamlet would appear, a meetin’-house with five or
six dwellin’ houses clustered round it like a teacher in the
midst of half a dozen scholars. Flowering shrubs and fruit

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 415

trees almost hid the houses of the quiet little hamlets, and
then we’d go by a village with forty or fifty houses, and as I
told Arvilly, in all these little places so remote from Jones-
ville and its advantages, the tragedy of life wuz goin’ on just
as it did in bigger places.

And she said she wondered if they drinked; sez she, “ If
they do there is tragedies enough goin’ on.”

Bohemia is a country of orchards. I should say there
was fruit enough there so every man, woman and child there
could have bushels and bushels of it to spare after they had
eat their fill. Even along the highways the bending trees
wuz loaded with fruit. A good plan, too, and I told Josiah
I would love to introduce it into Jonesville. Sez I, “ How
good it would be to have the toil-worn wayfarers rest under
the shady branches and refresh themselves with good fruit.”

And he said “ He didn’t want to toll any more tramps
into Jonesville than there wuz already.”

And I spoze they would mebby find it too handy to have
all the good fruit they wanted hangin’ down over their heads
as they tramped along—I d’no but it would keep ’em from
workin’ and earnin’ their fruit.

Anon the good car would whirl us from a peaceful coun-
try into mountain scenery, huge ledges of rock would take
the places of the bending fruit trees, and then jest as we
got used to that we would be whirled out agin, and see a
peaceful-lookin’ little hamlet and long, quiet fields of green.

In the harvest fields we see a sight that made me sad and
forebode, though it seemed to give Josiah intense satisfaction.
We see as many agin wimmen in the harvest field as we did
men, and in Carlsbad we see young girls carryin’ brick and
mortar to the workmen who wuz buildin’ houses. I thought
as I looked out on the harvest fields and see wimmen doin’
all the hard work of raisin’ grain and then havin’ to cook
it after it wuz made into flour and breakast food it didn’t
seem right to me, it seemed as if they wuz doin’ more than
their part. But I spozed the men wuz off to the wars fightin’
416 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

and gittin’ killed to satisfy some other man’s ambition, or
settlin’ some other men’s quarrels.

Josiah sez, smilin’ happily, ‘“ Wouldn’t it look uneek to
see Philury mowin’ in our oat and wheat fields, and you and
Sister Bobbett rakin’ after and loadin’ grain and runnin’ the
thrashin’ machine? ”

“Yes,” sez I, “when I foller a thrashin’ machine, Jo-
siah Allen, or load a hay rack it will look uneeker than will
ever take place on this planet, I can tell you to once.”

But Arvilly sez, “ Don’t be too sure, Josiah Allen’s wife;
with three wars bein’ precipitated on our country durin’ one
administration, and the conquered contented regions havin’
to be surrounded by our soldiers and fit all the time to keep
7em from laughin’ themselves to death, you don’t know how
soon all of our men will be drafted into the army and we
wimmen have to do all the farm work.”

“Yes,” sez Josiah, “ that is so, and you would be a crack-
in’ good hand to pitch on a load of hay or mow away, you are
so tall.”

“ And you,” sez she with a defiant mean, “ would be a
good hand to put in front of the battle field; you’re so short,
the balls might not hit you the first round.”

She put a powerful emphasis on the ‘
Josiah looked real agitated, and I sez:

“Such talk is onprofitable, and I should advise you,
Josiah, to use your man’s influence to try to make peace for
the country’s good, instead of wars for the profit of Trusts,
Ambition, etc., and you can escape the cannon’s mouth, and
Arvilly keep on sellin’ books instead of ploughin’ and
mowin’.”

Robert Strong and Dorothy enjoyed Carlsbad the best
that ever wuz. I don’t think they sot so much store by the
water as they did the long mountain walks. Everybody
here becomes a mountain climber. The doctors here agree
that this exercise is a great means of cure, and they make
the climbing easy and delightful. There are over thirty miles

’

‘might not,” and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 417

of good roads over the mountains and around Carlsbad, and
as you climb upwards anon or even oftener you come to
pretty little pavilions where you can rest and look off onto
the delightful scenery, and every little while you'll come to a
place where you can git good refreshments to refresh you.

The Sprudel, or Bubbling Well, bubbles over in a stream
of almost boiling hot water five or six inches in diameter.
It is so hot that you can’t handle the mugs it is served in
with your naked hand, you hold it by a napkin and have to
take it a little sip at a time if you don’t want to be scalded.

Josiah had disputed with me about the waters being so
hot. He said it didn’t look reasonable to him that bilin’ hot
water would flow out of the cold ground, and he knowed
they had told stories about it. “‘ Why,” sez he, “ if it wuz hot
when it started it would git cooled off goin’ through the cold
earth.”

But I sez: “ They say so, Josiah—them that have been
there.”

“ Well,” sez he, ‘ you can hear anything. I don’t believe
a word on’t.”

And so in pursuance of his plan and to keep up his
dignity he wouldn’t take a napkin with his mug of water, but
took holt on’t with his naked hand and took a big swaller
right down scaldin’ hot.

He sot the mug down sudden and put his bandanna to his
mouth, and I believe spit out the most on’t. He looked as
if he wuz sufferin’ the most excruciating agony, and I sez:

“Open your mouth, Josiah, and I will fan it.”

“Fan your grandmother!” sez he. “TI didn’t like the
taste on’t, Samantha; it most sickened me.”

But I sez: “ Josiah Allen, do you want some liniment on
your hand and your tongue? I know they pain you dret-
fully.”

Sez he, smilin’ a dretful wapeish smile: “It is sickish
tastin’ stuff.’ And he wouldn’t give in any further and

27
418 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

didn’t, though I knew for days his mouth wuz tender, and he
flinched when he took anything hot into it.

As I would look dreamily into the Bubblin’ Well I
would methink how I do wish I knowed how and where
you come to be so hot, and I’d think how much it could
tell if it would bubble up and speak so’s we could understand
it. Mebby it wuz het in a big reservoir of solid gold and
run some of the way through sluice ways of shinin’ silver and
anon over beds of diamonds and rubies. How could I tell!
but it kep’ silent and has been mindin’ its own bizness and
runnin’ stiddy for over six hundred years that we know on
and can’t tell how much longer.

Exceptin’ in the great earthquake at Lisbon about a
hundred and fifty years ago, it stopped most still for a
number of days, mebby through fright, but afer a few
days it recovered itself and has kep’ on flowin’ stiddy ever
since. It wuz named for Charles IV., who they say dis-
covered it, Charle’s Bath or Carlsbad. His statute stands
in the market-place and looks quite well. Carlsbad has a
population of twenty or thirty thousand, and over fifty thou-
sand people visit Carlsbad.every summer to drink of the
waters. Drinking and walking is what the doctors prescribe
and I d’no but what the walking in the invigorating moun-
tain air does as much good as the water. The doctor gen-
erally makes you drink a glass about seven in the morning,
then take a little walk, then drink another glass, and another
little walk and so on until about eight, when you can go to
the Swiss bakery and get the zwiebach or twice baked bread,
which is handed you in a paper bag, and then you can go to
some cafay on the sidewalk and get coffee or tea and boiled
eggs and make out your breakfast. No butter is given you
unless the doctor orders it. That madded Josiah and he
said they kep’ it back because they wuz clost and wanted
to save. He is a great case for butter.

And then after resting for an hour, you go for a walk
up the mountains, or if you are too weak to walk, you can
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 419

get a cart and a donkey, the driver walking alongside; up
the shady paths you will go, resting anon or oftener at some
pleasant summer house or cafay. At one you have your
dinner, you can get it anywhere along your way or go back
to your tarven for it; Josiah and I generally went back and
got our dinner at the tarven and rested for a while, After
dinner, folks generally go for another walk, but Josiah and
I and Tommy used often to go to the Sprudel Corridor
and listen to first-rate music or to a garden concert nigh by.

It wuz a sight to set in the Sprudel Corridor and see the
crowds of people go by, each one bearin’ a little mug in their
hands or strapped over their shoulders. All sorts of lookin’
folks, handsome and humbly, tall and short, thick and thin,
thousands and thousands of ’em a-goin’ every morning for
their drink and walk, drink and walk. There are six or
eight little girls at each of these springs who hand the water
to the guests and they have to work spry to keep ’em all
supplied.

It wuz a remarkable coincidence that royalty so soon after
havin’ the advantage of a interview and advice from Josiah
Allen’s wife should agin have the privilege of listenin’ to her
invaluable precepts. But not so remarkable when you come
to study on it philosophically. For it seems to be a law of
nater that if one thing happens, another similar thing follers
on and happens too, such as breakin’ dishes, onexpected
company, meetin’ royalty, etc., etc.

I wuz settin’ alone in the Sprudel Corridor one day, for
my pardner had gone with Tommy to see a little donkey
that had took the child’s fancy and we meant to let him
have a ride up the mountain on it and the rest of our party
had driv out to Mentoni’s Spring, about two milds from
Carlsbad.

I see a real sweet pretty girl coming along carrying
her little mug just like the rest of the folks. She wuz at-
tended by a good-lookin’ lady, who seemed to be looking
out for her, and I hearn a bystander say:
420 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

“ That’s the Queen of Holland.”

When I wuz told that the Queen of Holland wuz ap-
proachin’ I sez, “‘ You don’t say so! you don’t say that that
is Willieminy? ”

“ Yes,” sez the bystander standin’ by.

And I tell you I looked at her with all the eyes I had, and
if I had had a dozen more I should have used them all, for I
liked her looks first-rate, fair complected, blue eyes, light
wavy hair, and a air of demure innocence and wisdom that
wuz good to see. She wuz pretty and she wuz good, I could
see that as plain as I could tell a buff cochin hen from a banty.
And I wuz glad enough, when havin’ discovered sunthin’
she had left behind, her companion left her and went back
to the tarven and she come and sot down right by my side
to wait for her.

And as my rule is, I immegiately lived up to my privi-
leges and told her how highly tickled I wuz to have the
chance to see her and tell her how much store I sot by her.
Sez I: “ My dear, I have always wanted to see you and tell
you how much I have liked almost every move you’ve made
since you got to be a sovereign and before. Your crown
hain’t seemed to be top heavy, drawin’ your fore top and
your common sense down with it as some crowns do. You’ve
wore it sensible and you’ve carried your septer stiddy, and
for a young girl like you to do them things has seemed a
great thing to me. A good many young girls would be
carried away if they wuz in a place like yours; I am most
afraid Tirzah Ann would at your age.”

“Tirzah Ann?” sez she inquirin’ly.

“Yes, Josiah Allen’s girl by his first wife,” sez I. “I did
my best bringin’ her up, but if a kag is filled with rain water
you can’t tap it and have it run cream or maple molasses.
She wuz nateraly kinder sentimental and vain and over
dressy, and keeps up them traits to this day. And I d’no
what she would have done if she’d tried to rule a kingdom
at eighteen; I guess her subjects would have seen strange
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 421

doin’s and strange costooms, though I think Tirzah means
to be a Christian. But you’ve done first-rate, you’ve seemed
to study the best good of your subjects and have made a
big effort to have peace in the world. I wuz dretul inter-
ested when you had that Peace Conference meet in your
‘House in the Woods.’ I’d been more’n willin’ to had it
meet in our sugar house, but it wuzn’t big enough, and it
wuzn’t so central; it wuz better to have it where it wuz.

““T guess I sot more store by your doin’s in that respect
than by any other, for peace is what a sovereign and a sub-
ject must have to git along any ways comfortable. And at
the present time what a comfort it would be if the nations
of the world could git holt on it. But it almost seems as if
peace had spread her wings and flowed away from this
planet, such cuttin’s up and actin’s are on every side, wars
and rumors of wars, armies and navies crashin’ up aginst
each other, nations risin’ up aginst nation, brothers’ hands
lifted up aginst brothers and the hull world seemin’ to be
left to the mercy of the bloody fiend, War.

“Well, you and I can’t help it, Willieminy. I’ve done all
I could in Jonesville. [ve talked a sight and sot Josiah up
all I could to vote for peace, and you’ve done all you could
in Holland, and so now we’ve got to set down and trust in
the Providence that watches over Jonesville and Holland.”

She acted as if she felt real pleased with my praise, as
well she might, and I sez, “ Another thing I’ve liked in you,
Willieminy, you wuz so bound and determined to pick out
your pardner for yourself and not have him selected for
you. Why, good land! a dress or a pair of shues or gloves
hain’t half so apt to fit and set well if you leave ’em for some-
body else to pick out for you, and much more a pardner.
I honored you for your idees in that direction, for you’ve
probably found out, my dear,” sez I, “ that even if you take
sights of pains and pick him out yourself, a pardner is sun-
thin’ that requires lots of patience and long sufferin’ to git
along with, though real convenient to have round lots of
422 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

times when tramps are about, or reachin’ up overhead in the
buttery, or at funerals, etc. It always looks nobler to have
a man along with you than to mog along alone. And men
are about on a average as fur as their goodness goes with
their female pardners most of the time.

“ But he will be no he-angel, if you cross him just before
meal time, or don’t see that his clothes are mended up good.
I hearn once of a young bride who thought her husband wuz
perfect, and I spoze looked at his backbone sarahuptishushly
from day to day a-worryin’ for fear his wings would sprout
out and he would soar away from her to go and be an angel.
But one day she mended a hole in his pocket, and bein’ on-
used to mendin’ she took a wrong turn, and sewed the
pocket right up.

“Well! well! I don’t spoze she ever worried about his
angel qualities after that time. I spoze he cut up dretful
and said words she never dremp of his knowin’ by sight,
and she wuz jest as surprised and horrified as she would
have been to had a lamb or a cooin’ dove bust out in pro-
fanity. But he wuz a likely man, and got over it quick,
and wuz most too good to her for a spell afterwards, as pard-
ners have been wont to do on such occasions ever since the
creation of the world.

“ But, as I say, matrimony has difficulties enough when
Love heads the procession and Wedded Bliss plays the trom-
bone in the orkestry.”

She looked real interested as if my words wuz awful
congenial to her. And whilst watchin’ her sweet face growin’
brighter and sweeter, I thought of another thing that I
thought mebby she had been worryin’ about and that I could
comfort her up in, just as I would want our Tirzah Ann com-
forted under like circumstances, and I got real eloquent
talkin’ about this before I got through.

Sez I: “ Of course, my dear, there wuz some talk about
your pardner havin’ his eye on your proppity, but I wouldn’t
let that worry me, for I’ve always said that if I wuz a rich,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH 423

handsome young woman, I would just as soon be married
for my money as my beauty. They’re both outside of the
real self, equally transitory, or in fact, the money if invested
in govermunt bonds is more lasting. For the national sys-
tem is fur more firm and steadfast than the physical.

“Fifty years hence I spoze the money will all be safe and
gainin’ interest, so if that is what a woman is married for she
will keep her attraction and even increase it. But fifty years
hence where will her beauty be, if she wuz married alone for
that? Where are its powerful attractions? All gone. If
she had nothing but the beauty of snowy brow and brilliant
eye and clustering locks and perfect features.

“ But beauty that looks from the soul through the face.
Ah! that is another thing! That still remains when the
dusky hair is changed to white, when the glow is turned
to shadows in the eyes, when the lithe form is bent. That is
a bit of the eternal, and forever young like its Creator. You
have got that beauty, my dear, as well as proppity, so don’t
worry.”

I felt real eloquent, and I could see by her looks that
I wuz impressin’ her powerfully and givin’ her sights of com-
fort in her tryin’ place.

But I knew that eppisodin’, though interestin’ and agree-
able, devoured time, and I knew that I must hold my elo-
quent emotions back and let Common Sense take the reins
and conclude my remarks, so I sez:

“T hope from the bottom of my heart that your pardner
is a good man, one that hain’t too uppish, and is willin’ to
chore round the house a little if necessary, and set store
by you in youth and age, and that you and he will live happy
and reign long over a peaceful and happy land.”

I see her companion in the distance comin’ slowly back
as if not hardly dastin’ to interrupt our conversation, and I
sez, ‘‘ Good-by, my dear, and God bless you. Give my re-
spects to your pardner and Queen Emma, and if you ever
come to Jonesville I would love to have you make me a all
424 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

day’s visit, and T’ll invite the children and kill a hen and
make a fuss.

“IT don’t spoze Jonesville is so neat as Amsterdam; I
spoze you can set down and eat offen the sidewalk in Hol-
land most anywhere, but I am called a good housekeeper,
and will do the best I can. And now I don’t want you to put
yourself out in the matter, but if you should come and
could manage it handy, if your ma would bring me some
of your tulip seeds ’'d swop with her and give her some of
the handsomest sunflowers she ever laid eyes on, and they
make splendid food for hens to make ’em lay.”

She didn’t give me any answer about this either way,
and I thought mebby her ma might be short on it for bulbs,
and I wouldn’t say anything more about it. But she bid me
good-by real pleasant and we shook hands and wuz jest
partin’ away from each other when I thought of another
very important thing that I wanted to warn the dear young
queen about, and I turned round and sez:

“Oh, I must warn you solemnly of one thing more be-
fore we part; I have worried a sight about it; thinkin’ so
much on you as I do, I have been dretful afraid that you
would be overflowed. If there should be big rains and the
ocean should rise half an inch I’ve felt I didn’t know what
would become of you. You had better keep wash-tubs and
pails handy and don’t be ketched out without rubber boots,
and keep your eye on leakages in the ground as well as
govermuntal and financial affairs. And now again I will
say, my dear, God bless you and farewell.”

She shook hands agin quite warm, and with a sweet smile
on a pretty young face she assured me that she would be
careful, and she jined her companion and went on towards
the spring. And I know she wuz dretful pleased with what
I’d said to her for I hearn her fairly laugh out as she.told the
lady about it.

Whilst we wuz in Carlsbad Miss Meechim took the mud
baths. She said they wuz considered very genteel and I
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 425

guess mebby they wuz, so many things are genteel that are
kinder disagreeable. They wuz also said to be first-rate for
the rumatiz and the nerves. But it seemed to me I had al-
most ruther have nerves than to be covered all over with that
nasty black mud.

They take about sixty pounds of clay and mix it with
the hot spring water till it is just about as thick as I make
the batter for buckwheat cakes in Jonesville, and I make that
jest about as thick as I do my Injin bread. And you git
into this bath and stay about half an hour. Then of course
before you’re let loose in society you’re gin a clean water
bath to git the mud off. Miss Meechim thought they helped
her a sight, and mebby they did, and she boasted a lot how
genteel they wuz.

But I told her I had never been in the habit of settin’
store by mud and lookin’ up to it, and didn’t believe I should
begin at this late day, but Josiah’s rumatiz wuz so bad I didn’t
know but he had better take one. But he said he had took
one in Jonesville some years ago that would last him durin’
his nateral life.

He did fall into a deep mud-puddle one night goin’ to
sister Celestine Gowdey’s for a bask pattern for Tirzah Ann.
And it bein’ dark and the puddle a deep one he. floundered
round in it till he looked more like a drownded rat than a
human bein’. He never could bear basks from that hour till
this, and he has always dated his rumatiz from that time, but
it hain’t so; he had it before. But *tennyrate he wouldn’t
take the mud baths at Carlsbad, nor none of us did but Miss
Meechim. Howsumever there are lots of folks that set store
by “em.
CHAPTER XXXIV

e7ELL, we went back to Vienna, and from there
sot sail for Berlin, homeward bound. Josiah
was in dretful good sperits, and said that no
ES monument or obelisk we had seen on our tower
VOX could ever roust up his admiration like the
Jonesville M. E. steeple when he should first ketch sight on’t
loomin’ up beautiful and glorious from the enrapturin’ Jones-
ville seenery.

And I felt a good deal as he did, but knowed that his
feelin’s made him go too fur, for Jonesville seenery hain’t
enrapturin’, and the M. E. steeple hain’t glorious in aspect.
But truly Love is the greatest sculptor and gilder in the
world, and handles his brush in the most marvellous way.
Under his magic touch the humblest cottage walls glows
brighter than any palace. We had turned our footsteps
toward home sweet home, and a light from above gilt them
sacred precincts, and my own heart sung as glad a tune as
Josiah’s, though I tried to sing it as much as I could in the
key of common sense.

Well, we found that Berlin wuz a big, beautiful clean
city. It is the capital of Prussia and the German empire,
which we all know is divided up into little kingdoms, some
as the Sylvester Bobbett farm is divided up, but kinder
lookin’ up to Sylvester as the head on’t. The old part of
the city hain’t so remarkable attractive, but the new part is
beautiful in its buildings and streets. And somehow the
passersby look cleaner and better off than in most cities. We
didn’t see a blind beggar marf led by a dog ora ragged female
beggin’ for alms whilst we wuz there, which is more than
our cities at home can boast of.

  

a
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 427

But in spite of all this, I spoze there is a good deal of
cuttin’ up and behavin’ there.

And I don’t spoze that the name of the river that runs
through it has anything to do with that, though Josiah
thought it did. He said: “‘ You couldn’t expect many morals
or much stiddy behavior round a river Spree.”

But I don’t spoze the name made a mite of difference.
The water seemed to run along as smooth and placid as
Dove Creek, that bathes the streets of Loontown at home.
Indeed, the waters of the Spree runs along real slow and
quiet. And I spoze the inhabitants there are about on a
equality with the dwellers in other cities in the old and new
world. Human nater is a good deal the same wherever you
find it. And I’ve always said that if I wanted to write a
heart-searchin’, heart-meltin’ tragedy, I had just as soon
turn away from the big cities and go into some lonesome
hamlet of New England, into some big faded farmhouse
standin’ by a dark weed-bordered sluggish creek, shaded
by tall pollard willers. And there, behind the scraggly
lilocks and cinnamon roses, and closed blinds of solid wood,
with a little heart-shaped hole in the centre that casts strange
shadders on the clean painted floor within, there I would
find my tragedy material.

Mebby in some tall, scrawny woman’s form, clad in
brown calico, with scanty gray hair drawed tightly back
from a pale face and imprisoned in a little hard knob at the
back.

When that hair wuz brown, and the mornin’ sun wuz
ketched in its glistenin’, wavin’ tendrils, and the sunken
cheeks wuz round and pink as one of the cinnamon roses,
and the faded ambrotype of the young soldier in her red
wooden chest upstairs wuz materialized in a handsome young
man, who walked with her under the old willows when the
slow-moving brook run swift with fancy’s flight and her
heart beat happily, and life wuz new and radiant with love

and joy:

 
428 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Before the changes come that swept them apart and
left only a hollow, empty chamber in each heart, echoin’
with footsteps that are walkin’ heavily fur apart.

Then, if I could write the full history of that life, its joys
and its sorrows, its aspirations, its baffled hopes, its compen-
sations that didn’t compensate, the bareness of the life, the
dagger-sharp trials with what is called small things, the wild
heart struggles veiled by the New England coldness of ex-
pression, some as her sharp crags and stuns are covered with
the long reign of ice and snow. The heartsick loneliness of
oncongenial surroundin’s, the gradual fading away of hope
and fears into the dead monotonous calm of hopelessness
and despair.

There is a tragedy ready for the pen that would stand
out as much more striking and sharp-edged as the stun on
a ontravelled highway is rougher than one worn down to
smoothness by the feet of the multitude, a tragedy that
would move the world could I tell it as it really is.

But good land! What a hand to eppisode I be when I
git to goin’. I must stop this very minute, or I'll have the
tragedy Alfred Tennyson speaks on “ Dyin’ a Listener,” on
my hands.

Unter der Linden is as beautiful and imposing an avenue
as I see on my tower, with tall, handsome houses risin’ up
on each side on’t. And there are beautiful parks and pleas-
ure ground and places of recreation of all kinds.

The Academy of Music is famous for its fine concerts,
the city seems the very home of melody, and beautiful stat-
utes are seen on every side. The equestrian statute of
Frederic the Great is a grand one, and Josiah got all rousted
up lookin’ at it, and talked considerable to me about what a
imposin’ figger he himself would make if he could be
sculped settin’ on the mair. He said it would be a lovely
sight a loomin’ up in front of the M. E. meetin’-house in
Jonesville. But I got his mind off from it quick as I could.

One day when we wuz out drivin’ through the hand-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 429

some streets we went to see the palace of Bismark. It wuz
a large, stately mansion, opposite a pretty little park. But
though this seemed the very abode of luxury, I wuz told
that Bismark loved the country fur better, and as Josiah
and I delighted in the fields of Jonesville, so he loved sweet
Nature, and follered her all he could into her hants in the
country. Josiah sot store by Bismark, and honors his mem-
ory, and he seemed real tickled when I sez to him:

“ Bismark always reminded me of you, Josiah, from
what [ve read of him.”

Josiah was very tickled, and he sez with a proud happy
look, “ Yes, I spoze I am a good deal like him, he wuz as
brave as a lion, had good sound horse sense and—— ”

But I sez calmly, “I dare presoom to say, Josiah, that
that is so. But I wuz alludin’ to his appetite, I have hearn
that he had a splendid and immense appetite.”

Josiah acted huffy, and I drawed his attention off onto
the corners of base relief and the white statters ornamentin’
the ruff.

To our.great sorrow, we found that Emperor William
wuzn’t to home. I spoze it will be a great disappointment
to him when he hears on’t that Josiah and I had really been
there right to his home and he shouldn’t be there. I well
know how bad I should feel if Potentates come to Jones-
ville and I happened to be off on a tower. And then I hon-
ored Emperor William for his kind heart and kind actions
and his good sense, and felt bad enough to think I wuzn’t
goin’ to see him.

But owin’ to Robert Strong’s gittin’ a letter from some-
body to somebody, we went through the palace just as I
would want William to go through our house in Jonesville
and the carriage-house and barn, if we happened to be away
a visitin’ when he come our way.

And oh, what a sight that palace wuz on the inside
when we come to go through it, and the outside too looked
430 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

well, very strong and massive and handsum and big, enor-
mous big.

Why, it contains six hundred rooms. And Miss Cor-
nelius Bobbett thought she had reached the very hite of
grandeur when she moved into their new house that had
six big rooms beside the bedrooms. And it did go fur
ahead of the average Jonesville housen. But when I stood
in William’s white saloon and our party wuz givin’ utterance
to different ejaculations of surprise and admiration I only sez
instinctively :

“Oh, if Sister Cornelius Bobbett only could see this
room! what would she say? How her pride would be low-
ered down.”

For it did seem to me the most beautiful room I ever
beheld. It:was more than a hundred feet long, and about
half that in width, and the crystal glitter overhead reflected
in the shinin’ floor below wuz ahead of anything I had ever
seen, as brilliant as a hull forest of ice-sickles mingled in
with statutes and columns and angels and everything else
beautiful.

Here in this room Sessions of Parliament are opened.
And I thought the laws ort to be grand and noble indeed
to make ’em worthy of the place they was made in.

But, immense as this room wuz, the picture gallery is
most as big agin and full of beauty and inspiration from
wall to wall and from floor to ceilin’. The palace chapel is
kinder round in shape, and has all sorts of soft and rich-
colored marbles in the floor and wall. The altar wuz made
of Egyptian marble, a kind of buff color, and the pulpit wuz
made of Carrera marble. I spoze powerful sermons have
been preached from that pulpit.

In Berlin the most beautiful pictures are to be seen on
every side on palace walls and in picture galleries, Dorothy
and Robert just doted on ’em and so did I. But Josiah
always complained of his corns whilst walkin’ through ’em,
 

Samantha points out the beauties of the White Saloon,—Page 430.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 431

A picture gallery just started them corns to achin’ the worst
kind from his tell.

The Bourse is sunthin’ like our stock exchange, but big
enough to accommodate thousands of money-seekers. I
spoze they have lively times here anon or oftener—the river
Spree runs right in front on’t (though I don’t think that
makes a mite of difference).

More than fifty bridges cross this river and it divides out
into canals and little streams, all of which comes together
agin and flows away into the sea.

The Alson bridge is one of the most beautiful bridges I
ever sot my eyes on, and not fur off is the Alson Platz, a very
charming public garden. Shady paths, trees, flowers, sculp-
ture, all make this garden very attractive.

Not fur off is the Konigs Platz, one of the most imposing
parts of the city. In the centre of this square stands the
grand monument to Victory, it is high and lofty as a monu-
ment to Victory ort to be, solid and massive at the base
(for in order to be successful you have got to have a good
underpinnin’ of principle and gumption) and crowned with
a noble-lookin’ figger, standin’ amidst a flock of eagles.

The Royal Theatre is a handsome building and looks
some in front like our own Capitol in Washington, D. C.
It stands between two meetin’-houses, as if it laid out to set
back and enjoy its neighborhood and be real respectable.

In front of it stands a fine monument to the German
poet, Schiller. I sot store by him. Thomas J. used to read
his books to his Pa and me a good deal when he wuz tendin’
the Cademy to Jonesville, his dramas and his poems, so Jo-
siah and I felt quite well acquainted with him, and when
we see his name here amidst foreign seens it give us quite
agreeable emotions, some as if we wuz a travellin’ in Africa
and should see a obelisk riz up with Deacon Henzy’s name
on it. Also I wuz interested in looking at the beautiful eques-
trian statute of Frederic William the illustrious elector, wha

did so much to make his country great,
432 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

It stands on a bridge, as if dominating sea and land, as
he did a good deai whilst he wuz alive. He looks calm and
powerful, and has a look on his face as if he could do most
anything he sot out to do. And the four slaves grouped
round the base of the statute seem to look up to him as if
they trusted him implicitly.

His clothes wuzn’t exactly what I would want Josiah
sculped in if he wuz to be rared up in marble, and it seems as
if so many skirts and such a long cloak floatin’ out must be
in a man’s way if he wuz ina hurry. But where is there any-
thing perfect here below? It wuz remarkably handsome,
take it as a hull.

Dorothy and Robert said they wanted to see the statute
of Gerty.

And Josiah whispered to me and sez, “ Gerty who? I
didn’t know as they knew any Gertrude that wuz buried
here.”

And I whispered back, ‘‘ They mean Goethe, Josiah. You
know Thomas J. has read us quite a lot of his writings.” Sez
I, “ Don’t you remember about little Mignon, who wuz so
home-sick for her own land, and would keep askin’:

‘Knowest thou the land where citron apples bloom,
And oranges like gold amidst the leafy gloom?’

“You remember it, Josiah. I’ve seen you shed tears
when he wuz readin’ about her.”

And Josiah whispered back in a loud shrill whisper that
I know they hearn: “If they wanted to see Go-ethe, why
didn’t they say Go-ethe?” (He always would pronounce
his name to rhyme with sheath.)

I felt mortified, nothin’ seems worse when you’re tryin’
to quell a pardner down than to have him whisper back so
loud. Why, I have had Josiah right to my own table when
I’ve had company and he wuz makin’ onlucky remarks, I’ve
known him to ask me right out what I wuz steppin’ on his
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 433

toe for, and I wuz worse off than as if I hadn’t tried to curb
him in. But then he has a host of good qualities, and pard-
ners are dretful handy lots of times. But life is a kind of a
warfare to the best and happiest on us.

Well we all went to see the statute to Goethe; it stands
in a pleasant spot in the Thiergarten surrounded by shrubs
and trees. The face of the great poet is full of the sadness
and glory of them that see visions and dream dreams.
Grouped about him are the sculptured forms of Tragedy,
Lyrical Poetry, and Research. It wuz a impressive monu-
ment and rousted up more emotions in me than any that I
see in Berlin.

Well, we didn’t stay long in Prussia, for the cords that
wuz drawin’ us home tightened from day to day, the children
and Philury drawin’ them cords closter ever and anon with
long and loving letters, and we hastened on to Hamburg. It
wuz a lovely day when we sot out on our journey and we
wuz all feelin’ well, specially Josiah and I, for every revolu-
tion of the wheels brought us nigher to our beloved Jonesville
and every toot of the engine seemed to shout afresh the joy-
ful tidin’s to us that we had sot our faces towards the bright
hearth stun of home.

We had no eventful experiences on the journey to relate,
unless it wuz a interview we had with a young man, a Fresh-
man I believe he wuz from some college, travellin’ with his
tutor, and he seemed real fresh, he seemed to have plenty
of money but a scarcity of brains, or mebby he had enough
brains, but they seemed to be in a sort of a soft state, and I
guess they’ll harden up some when he gits older if he has
good luck with them.

I wuz most a good mind to advise him to set in the sun
bareheaded all he could, thinkin’ mebby it might harden
“em some, but didn’t know how it would be took.

He thought he knew a sight, but the shadder he really
cast on worldly affairs wuz exceedingly small, he could step
over it the hull time, but he felt that it reached the horizon.

28
434 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Robert talked quite a good deal with him, to pass away the
time I spoze, but there wuz a queer smile in his eyes and
kinder patient and long sufferin’ as if to say:

“ You'll know more in the future than you do now and I'll
bear with you.”

The young man thought he wuz patronizin’ Robert, I
knew from his liniment. He wuz a infidel, and seemed to
think it made him very smart. You know some folks do
think it is real genteel to doubt and a mark of a deep thinker.

I hearn him go on for quite a spell, for Robert wouldn’t
argy with him, thinkin’ I spoze it might strain his arm to
hit at vacancy. But at last I seemed to have to speak up to
Miss Meechim and say:

“ How strange it is that some folks think the less they be-
lieve the bigger it makes ’em, but good land! it don’t take
much intellect to believe in nothin’, it don’t strain the mind
any if it is ever so weak.”

I guess he hearn me, for he kinder changed his talk and
went to patronizin’ the seenery. Well, it wuz beautiful a
good deal of the way, though at the last of our journey it
broke out rainy all of a sudden right whilst Josiah wuz all
engaged in admirin’ a particular view, and it grew cold and
disagreeable. And he bein’ tired out, worried a sight about
the rain and the suddenness on’t and how it stopped his
sight-seein’ and brung on his rumatiz, and he complained
of his corns and his tight boots, and said that I had ort to
seen that he wuz dressed thicker, and fretted and acted.
And I sez:

“You've got to take things as they come, Josiah. I
couldn’t send anybody out this mornin’ to bring in a pail of
weather to see if it wuz goin’ to rain. You've got to take
it as it comes, and when it comes, and make the best on’t.”

But he still acted restless and oneasy, and most cried, he
felt so bad. And I went on and dilated on the merits of
calmness and serenity and how beautiful traits they wuz
and how much to be desired.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 435

And he snapped me up enough to take my head off, and
said that he “couldn’t always be calm and wuzn’t goin’ to
try to be.”

“No,” sez I reasonable, “you’ve got to be megum in
that, or in eatin’ bread and milk; of course, you could kill
yourself on that, though it seems innocent and harmless;
you can carry everything too fur.”

And seein’ that his liniment still bore the marks of rest-
less oneasiness and onhappiness, I eppisoded a little on his
side of the question, for what will not a woman do to ease
a pardner’s mind and comfort him?

“Yes, Josiah, Cousin Joel Smith’s life used to be so
serene and so deadly calm on all occasions that she used
to mad Uncle Joel, who wuz of a lively and active tempera-
ment, like the most of the Smiths.

“T asked Joel once on a visit there, when she had been so
collected together and monotonous in aspect, and talked
with such oneven and sweetness of tone that I got dead tired
on’t myself, and felt that I had been lookin’ on a sunbaked
prairie for months, and would have been glad enough to
had her got up a change of liniment some way, and a change
of axent higher or lower, I sez to Cousin Joel.

“ Do you spoze Serintha Jane would git excited and look
any different and talk any faster or louder if the house should
get afire?”

And he said no, the house did git afire once, when he
wuz away. And she discovered it in the morning whilst she
wuz makin’ some scollops in her hair (she always had her
hair scolloped just as even as ever a baby’s petticoat wuz),
keepin’ that too calm and fixed through bangs and braids.
She had scolloped it on one side and wuz just beginnin’ it on
the other when she see the fire, and she went gently to the
door, opened it in a quiet ladylike way, and asked a neighbor
goin’ by in her low even axent, if he would kindly stop a
minute. And the neighbor stopped and she said sweetly:
436 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

“ Could I trouble you to do a little errand for me if you
are going down town, or would it incommode you?”

He said he would do it.

Well, she said she didn’t want him incommoded, “ but,”
sez she, “if it is not too much trouble will you please tell
my husband that I would like to have him come home as soon
as he can make it convenient to do so, for the house is
afire.’ And then she smiled sweetly and made a low bow,
and went back into the house lookin’ real serene, and went
to scollopin’ the other side of her fore-top.

The neighbor started off wildly on the run hollerin’
“fire!” and “ help!” for he see the flames bustin’ out of one
of the chamber winders. He got the fire engine and the
neighbors collected, and got most of the furniture out be-
low, and they couldn’t hardly git her to make a move, for
she hadn’t got the last scallop made, but finally somebody
grabbed her, and kinder hauled her out, she a tryin’ to smile,
they say, and look calm, as she was borne out.

I told Joel, before I thought, that “she ort to been
singed, and that it would have done her good, mebby it
would rousted her up a little.”

And I guess he felt so too, though he didn’t say so. Jo-
siah looked real interested, and I sez, fur I didn’t dast to have
the encouragement go too fur that way:

“ Calmness and serenity are beautiful, Josiah, and almost
always desirable, though when a house gits afire you ort to
let up on ’em a little.”

Josiah’s liniment looked quite a little clearer, but some
shadders still remained, and I went on tenderly and pictured
out to him the first meal I would cook for him when we got
home. And then his liniment grew peaceful and happy,
and he sez gratefully:

“You’re so calmin’ to the nerves, Samantha, when you
set out to be, you’re a perfect iodine.”

I d’no really what he did mean, I guess it wuz anodyne,
I keep a bottle to home for nerves. But ’tennyrate in a few
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 437

minutes he wuz talkin’ quite glib about home and the chil-
dren and I felt richly repaid for all my trouble. And with
such little agreeable talk and eppisodin’ did I try to diversify
the weariness of travel.

Josiah is a great case for Hamburg steaks, and he con-
fided to me the hope that we would git some here that would
go even beyond any that I had ever cooked and that would
ensure him a future of this delicious food. But we didn’t see
a sign on ’em in the city. He wuz bitterly disappinted.

Hamburg is a free state, small, but I spoze feelin’ quite
big and independent. It is ruled by a Senate of eighteen
members, and a house of Burgesses of one hundred and
ninety-two members, and they make their own laws and
keep ’em, I spoze, the most on ’em, and get along quite well
and prosperous.

There is a beautiful little lake in the heart of the city on
which small gaily painted boats dart to and fro carrying pas-
sengers like omnibuses in city streets. Beautiful bridges
cross the Alster, a tributary of the Danube, and tall handsome
houses line the streets.

They are great cases for flowers there in Hamburg. You
meet flower shops and flower sellers on every side. But they
are not the beautiful flower girls we read of in stories. They
are mostly old wimmen, too old for hard work. They wear
short skirts, comin’ just below their knees, black bodices,
long black stockings with gay colored garters, wooden shoes,
broad-brimmed hats, saucer shaped, trimmed with stiff black
cambric bows.

We wuz only there for one day, but long enough to drive
through the principal streets and see some of the principal
sights and git rested some, and then we sailed away for Home
Sweet Home, via London, England.

We didn’t stay very long in London, but long enough
so we could look about us some. Robert Strong had con-
siderable bizness to attend to there, which, of course, de-
voured his time, and Dorothy had a number of young girl
438 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

friends who lived there, and she wanted to go and see them,
and she entertained ‘em at our tarven: sweet, fresh-com-
plected young girls; they wuz almost as pretty as Dorothy
herself, but not quite.

Arvilly had a cousin on her own side that she wanted
to visit, and, of course, she wanted to canvass more or less, so
that left Josiah and I free a good deal of the time to go and
come as we liked. Of course dear Little Tommy wanted
to see everything and go everywhere. Miss Meechim and
Dorothy took Tommy with them several times, and so did
Robert Strong, and, of course, some days when we wuz all
at liberty we would all go out together sightseeing. Josiah
said most the first thing that he wanted to see the Tower of
London, and Tommy wanted to see the Crystal Palace, takin’
a fancy to the name I spoze, and I told ’em we would go to
these places the first chance we had.

But deep in my heart wuz one purpose. I had laid on
a certain plan day and night, kep’ it in my mind and
lotted on it. But of this more anon. This wuz my major
plan. Amongst my minor ones wuz my desire to see West-
minster Abbey agin. I had been there once on a former
tower, but I wanted to stand agin by the tombs of them I so
deeply honored; and the rest of.the party feelin’ as I did, we
all set out there most the first thing.

I also sot store by Westminster Abbey on account of its
being the place where Victoria, honored queen and woman,
wuz crowned, as well as all of England’s monarchs. It is
a magnificent building, no other mausoleum in the world
can compare with it; it is almost worthy of being the resting-
place of the great souls that sleep there. Dorothy’s sweet
face and Robert’s noble liniment took on reverent looks as
we stood by the tomb of saint and sage, hero and poet.

We went from there to see the Houses of Parliament,
immense buildings full of interest and associations.

We also went to see St. Paul’s Cathedral, which towers
up in majesty, dwarfin’ the other buildin’s near it. It is a mar-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 439

vellous structure in size and beauty, only two bigger build-
= in the world, St. Peter’s at Rome, and the Milan Cathe-
ra

What a head Sir Christopher Wren must have had, and
what a monument to his genius this gigantic pile is. No
wonder he wanted this epitaph put on his tomb:

“Tf you want to see his monument, look about you.”

Many other noted men are buried here, Bishop Heber,
John Howard, Sir Joshua Reynolds, Wellington, Nelson and
Sir John Moore, who wuz “ buried darkly at dead of night,”
as so many bashful schoolboys know to their sorrow, as they
rehearse it in a husky voice to the assembled neighbors the
last day of school. Oh, how much they wish as they try to
moisten their dry tongue and arrange their too visible and
various hands, that the night wuz still darker, so dark that
nothin’ wuz ever hearn on't.

Feelin’ the admiration I did for his livin’ and lovin’
pardner, I wuz glad to see the Albert monument. It wuz
evenin’ when we see it, and the garden where it stands wuz
illuminated. The great elms glowed under a multitude of
red lights. The music-stands glowed with stars of the same
color, and the fountains riz up in great sprays of color and
radiance. It wuz a beautiful seen, but none too grand for the
great good man whose name the tall shaft bears.

Albert Hall, which stands in the same grounds, wuz also
brilliantly illuminated; its long glass corridors shone as if
wrought out of crystal and ruby.

One day we rode from Blackfriars’ bridge past the Man-
sion House, where the Lord Mayor holds his receptions.
And what interested me fur more, we went past the place
where the Foreign Bible Society prints more than three
million Bibles a year in two hundred different languages
and dialects, carrying the knowledge and love of our Lord
unto the ends of the earth.
CHAPTER XXXV

  

ee UCKINGHAM PALACE wuz a sight to see,
beautiful and grand, and not fur off is St.
James’s Park, one of the most attractive in the
city though it wuz once only a marshy field.
As I looked on its charming and diversified
beauty I asics how little there is in heredity compared to
gumption and draining.

Josiah, as I said, wanted to see the Tower of London.
It is the most celebrated fortress in England. It is awful
old, and good land! if I wuz shet up there I shouldn’t never
expect to break out. Some of the walls are fifteen feet thick.
The White Tower, they say, wuz begun by William the Con-
queror, a man that I told the guide politely, “wuz quite
widely known, and I had hearn a sight of him though I had
never had the pleasure of his acquaintance.” It wuz com-
pleted in one thousand ninety-eight.

Josiah and I wandered round there for hours, and should
most probable got lost and mebby been gropin’ round there
to-day if it hadn’t been for the guide. ;

I wuz dretful interested in London Bridge. The present
structure cost seven million, so they say, and I wouldn’t have
built it for a cent less. I thought as I stood there of what
had took place on that spot since Sir William Wallace’s day
and how his benign head (most every bump on it good ones)
wuz put up there a mark for the insultin’ jeers of the popu-
lace, and it made me feel bad and sorry for Helen, his last
wife, she that wuz Helen Mar. But Sir Thomas More’s
head wuz nailed up in the same place, and the Bishop of
Rochester’s and lots of others.

It wuzn’t right.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 441

And then I thought of the gay seens that had took place
there, the tournaments and triumphal marches and grand
processions and sad ones, and the great multitude who have
passed over it, prince and beggar, velvet and rags, a count-
less throng constantly passing, constantly changing, no more
to be counted than the drops of water in the silent stream
below, all the time, all the time sweepin’ on to the sea. I
had sights of emotions.

And all the while I wuz in London, in the gay streets
and quiet ones, in palace or park, the shade of Dickens
walked by my side or a little in advance, seemin’ to pint out
to me the places where he had walked when he see visions
and dreamed dreams. And I almost expected to meet Little
Nell leading her grandpa, or David Copperfield, or Peggoty
searching for Em’ly, or some of our Mutual Friends.

And so with Thackeray. As I looked up at the gloomy
houses on some quiet street I almost expected to see the
funeral hatchment of old Sir Pitt Crawley’s wife and Becky
Sharp’s little pale face peering out, or sweet Ethel New-
comb and her cousin Clive, and the dear old General and
Henry Esmond, and etc., etc. And so with Alfred Tenny-
son. In some beautiful place of drooping foliage and placid
water I almost felt that I should see the mystic barge drawin’
nigh and I too should float off into some Lotus land. And so
with all the other beloved poets and authors who seem nigher
to us than our next door neighbors in the flesh.

Dorothy havin’ never been there, felt that she must see
Shakespeare’s home, which is a journey of only three hours
by rail, so we made a visit there one day, passing through
some of England’s most beautiful seenery on our way, grand
old parks with stately houses rising up in their midst, gray
stun churches in charming little villages, thatched-roof cot-
tages, picturesque water-mills; it wuz all a lovely picture of
tural England.

It being a little too long a journey for one day, we stayed
all night at Shakespeare’s Inn, where the great poet went
442 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

daily for his glass of stimulant—so they say. But I am
glad I don’t believe everything that I hear.

Arvilly mourned to think that she couldn’t have sold him
America’s twin crimes: “ Intemperance and Greed”; but I
kinder changed the subject. As much store as I set by Ar-
villy’s cast-iron principles, somehow I couldn’t bear the
thought of having Shakespeare canvassed.

All the rooms are named after Shakespeare’s plays,
painted over the doors in black letters. We slept in “ All’s
Well That Ends Well”’—a good name—and we slept peace-
ful, thinkin’ likely that it would turn out so. Miss Meechim
had the “ Merry Wives of Windsor.” She wanted to change
with Arvilly, who had “ Love’s Labor’s Lost,” but Arvilly
wouldn’t budge.

Miss Meechim told me in confidence that if Shakespeare
could have had the benefit of her advice he would probable
have called it ‘‘ The Unfortunate Wives of Windsor.” “ And
then,” sez she, “I could have occupied it with more pleas-
ure.” But I didn’t much think that he would have changed
his plans or poetry if she had been on the spot.

The next morning early we set out for Shakespeare’s cot-
tage, described so often, saw the room in which the great
poet was born, and wuz told. that nothing had been changed
there since he lay in his cradle, which we could believe as
we looked about us on the low walls, the diamond panes of
the windows and the quaint old furniture. The cottage is
now used for Shakespeare’s relics, some of which looked
as if they might be real, and some as if they wuz made day
before yesterday. We visited the church where he wuz bap-
tized and saw on one of the pews the metal plate on which
is engraved the name of the poet’s father.

And, thinkin’ that a visit to Shakespeare’s home wouldn’t
be complete without seeing the place where his heart jour-
neyed whilst his life wuz young and full of hope and joy, we
drove out to Shottery, to the little farmhouse where his
sweetheart, Ann Hathaway, lived.
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 443

It is a quaint little cottage, and after going through it
we drank a glass of water drawn up by a well sweep from
the very same old well from which Shakespeare drank so
many times. As I stood there I saw in fancy the rosy, dim-
pled Ann handing the crystal water to the boy, Will, who
mebby whispered to her as he took the glass sweet words,
all rhyming with youth and joy and love.

And the same blue sky bent above us; birds wheeled and
sung over our heads, descendants, mebby, of the birds that
sung to them that day. I had sights of emotions—sights
of ’em—and so I did in the cottage as I sot on the old, old
settle in the corner of the fireplace, whose age nobdy could
dispute, as its stiff old joints are strengthened with bands
of iron, where young Will Shakespeare and his sweetheart
often sat, and where he might have read to her the new poem
in honor of her charms:

“To melt the sad, make blithe the gay,
And nature charm Ann hath a way.
She hath a will,
She hath a way—
To breathe delight, Ann Hathaway.”

He or she didn’t dream of his future greatness, and I dare
say that old Pa Hathaway, who mebby slept nigh by, might
have complained to her ma, “ Wonderin’ what that fool
meant by talkin’ in poetry at that time of night.” And,
mebby, if he soared too high and loud in verse, old Pa
Hathaway might have called out:

“Ann! cover up the fire and go to bed! Billy wants to go
home!”

I don’t say this wuz so, but mebby. So holden are our
eyes and so difficult it is for the human vision to discern be-
tween an eagle and a commoner bird, when the wings are
featherin’ out, before they are full plumed for a flight amongst
the stars.

Well, we went back to London, tired, but riz up in our
minds, and renewed our sightseeing there.
444 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

Miss Meechim and Dorothy bought lots of things that
they said they could git cheaper in England, and Arvilly
wuz in great sperits; she sold three books, sold herself out
and went home with an empty box but a full purse. Robert
wuz busy up to the last minute, but managed to spend time
to take Tommy to see some famous waxworks he had prom-
ised.

About the middle of the forenoon Robert Strong pro-
posed that we should all go and take a last drive in the
park, and we set off, all but Arvilly. She thought of some
one in another part of the city that she wanted to canvass,
and she started off alone in a handsome. Miss Meechim
and Dorothy wuz feelin’ well. Tommy, who wuz in fine
sperits, wuz perched as usual on Robert Strong’s knee.

The sheltered drives and smooth windin’ roads wuz gay
with passers-by, and the seen wuz beautiful, but I wuz sad
and deprested about one thing. King Edward is a real
good natered man, and a good pervider, and seems to set
store by America. And Queen Alexandra is a sweet, good
woman.

But still in these last hours I kep’ thinkin’ of Edwardses’
Ma, who was rainin’ here durin’ my last visit. I wuz kep’
from visitin’ her at that time by P. Martyn Smythe and
onfortunate domestic circumstances.

And I have always worried for fear she hearn I wuz in
London that time and never went nigh her; she not knowin’
what hendered me.

I writ her a letter to make her mind easy, but must know
she never got it, for she never writ a word in reply. I
posted the letter I spoke on with my own hands. I directed it

WIDDER ALBERT,
London, England.
It runs as follers:
“ Dear and revered Queen and Widder:

“T tried my best to git to see you whilst in London, but

Josiah’s clothes wuzn’t fit; he had frayed ’em out on a tower,
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 445

and his shirts wuz yeller as saffern, half washed by underlins.
I wouldn’t demean him in your sight by bringin’ him with
me and he wuz worrisome and I couldn’t leave him. You’ve
been married and you know how it is.

““So I have to return home sad-hearted without settin’
my eyes on the face of a woman I honor and set store by, a
good wife, a good mother, a good ruler. The world hangs
your example up and is workin’ up to the pattern and will in
future generations. No doubt there is a few stitches that
might be sot evener in the sampler, but the hull thing is a
honor to our humanity and the world at large. I bow to
your memory as I would to you in deep honor and esteem.
And if we do not meet here below may we meet in them
heavenly fields you and your Albert, Josiah and I, young
and happy, all earthly distinctions washed off in the swellin’s
of Jordan.

“And so God bless you clear down to the river banks
whose waves are a swashin’ up so clost to our feet, and adoo.

“Jostan ALLEN’s WIFE.”

T never hearn a word from her, and I am afraid she died
thinkin’ I had slighted her.

The next morning bright and early we went aboard the
ship that wuz to take us home. It wuz a fair day; the fog
dispersed and the sun shone out with promise and the waves
talked to me of Home, Sweet Home.

It wuz a cold lowerin’ day when the good ship bore us
into New York harbor. The gray clouds hung low some as
if they wuz a sombry canopy ready to cover up sunthin’, a
crime or a grief, or a tomb, or mebby all on ’em, and a few
cold drops fell down from the sky ever and anon, some like
tears, only chill and icy as death.

These thoughts come into my mind onbid as I looked
on the heavy pall of dark clouds that hung low over our
heads some like the dark drapery hangin’ over a bier.

But anon and bime bye these dark meditations died
446 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

away, for what wuz cloud or cold, or white icy shores? It
wuz home that waited for us; Jonesville and my dear ones
dwelt on that shore approachin’ us so fast. Bitter, icy winds
would make the warm glowin’ hearth fire of home seem
brighter. Love would make its own sunshine. Happiness
would warm the chill of the cold November day.

Thomas J. and Maggie stood on the pier, both well and
strong; Tommy sprung into their arms. They looked onto
his round rosy face through tears of gratitude and thankful-
ness and embraced me with the same. And wuzn’t Thomas
J. happy? Yes, indeed he wuz, when he held his boy in his
arms and had holt of his ma’s hands, and his pa’s too. And
Maggie, too, how warmly she embraced us with tears and
smiles chasing each other over her pretty face. Tirzah Ann
and Whitfield wuz in the city, but didn’t come to the minute,
bein’ belated, as we learnt afterwards, by Tirzah Ann a
waverin’ in a big department store between a pink and a blue
shiffon front for a new dress.

But they appeared in a few minutes, Tirzah Ann with her
arms full of bundles which dribbled onnoticed on the pier
as she advanced and throwed her arms round her pa’s and
ma’s neck. Love is home, and with our dear children’s
arms about us and their warm smiles of delight and welcome
and their loving words in our ear, we had got home.

The children wuz stayin’ at a fashionable boardin’ house,
kept by Miss Eliphalet Snow, a distant relation of Maggie’s,
who had lost her pardner and her property, but kep’ her
pride and took boarders for company, so she said. And
we wuz all goin’ to start for Jonesville together the next day.
But as the baggage of our party wuz kinder mixed up, Jo-
siah and I thought we would go with Miss Meechim’s party
to the tarven and stay.

Robert Strong and our son, Thomas J., met like two ships
of one line with one flag wavin’ over ’em, and bearing the
same sealed orders from their Captain above. How con-
genial they wuz, they had been friends always, made so on-
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 44%

beknown to them, they only had to discover each other, and
then they wuz intimate to once, and dear.

Dorothy and Miss Meechim and the children greeted
each other with smiles and glad, gay words. Yes, all wuz
a happy confusion of light words, gay laughter, Saratoga
trunks, smiles, joy, satchel bags—we had got home.

As I stood there surrounded by all that I prized most on
earth I had a glimpse of a haggard lookin’ form arrayed in
tattered finery, a bent figure, a young old face, old with
drink and dissipation, that looked some way familiar though
I couldn’t place her. She looked at our party with a strange
interest and seemed to say some murmured words of prayer
or blessing or appeal, and disappeared—soon forgot in our
boundless joy and the cares tendin’ to our baggage.

Arvilly wuz glad to set her feet on shore, for she too
loved her native land with the love that a good principled,
but stern stepmother has for a interestin’ but worrisome
child that she’s bringin’ up by hand. She thought she would
go with the children to their boarding-place, havin’ knowed
Miss Eliphalet Snow in their young days, when Miss Snow
wuz high-headed and looked down on her, and wantin’ to
dant her, I spoze, with accounts of her foreign travel. And
we parted to meet agin in the mornin’ to resoom our voyage
to Jonesville—blessed harbor where we could moor our
two barks, Josiah’s and mine, and be at rest.

Miss Meechim and Dorothy and Robert laid out to start
for California the next day, as business wuz callin’ Robert
there loud and he had to respond.

And I may as well tell it now as any time, for it has got to
be told. I knowed it wuz told to me in confidence, and it
must be kep’ for a spell anyway, Robert and Dorothy wuz
engaged, and they wuz goin’ to be married in a short time in
her own beautiful home in San Francisco. Now you needn’t
try to git me to tell who told me, for I am not as sot as cast
iron on that, I shall mention no names, only simply re-
markin’ that Dorothy and Robert set store by me and I by
448 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

them. Them that told me said that they felt like death to
not tell Miss Meechim of the engagement, but knowin’ her
onconquerable repugnance to matrimony and to Dorothy’s
marriage in particular, and not knowin’ but what the news
would kill her stun dead, them that told me said they felt
that they had better git her back to her own native shores
before bein’ told, which I felt wuz reasonable.

How I did hate to part with sweet Dorothy, I loved her
and she me visey versey. And Robert Strong, he sot up in
my heart next to Thomas J., and crowdin’ up pretty clost to
him too. Miss Meechim also had her properties, and we
had gone through wearisome travel, dangers and fatigues,
pleasant rest, delightful sight-seeing, poor vittles, joy and
grief together, and it wuz hard to break up old ties. But
it had to be. Our life here on this planet is made up of meet-
in’s and partin’s. It is hail and farewell with us from the
cradle to the grave.

We all retired early, bein’ tired out, and we slept well,
little thinkin’ of the ghastly shape that would meet us on
the thresholt of the new day. But, oh, my erring but beloved
country! why ortn’t we to expect it as long as you keep
the mills a-goin’ that turns out such black, ghastly shadders
by the thousands and thousands all the time, all the time, to
enwrap your children.

Dorothy never knowed it—what wuz the use of cloudin’
her bright young life with the awful shadder? But then, as
I told Robert, that black, dretful pall hangs over every hoime
and every heart in our country and is liable to fall anywhere
and at any time, no palace ruff is too high and no hovel ruff
is too low to be agonized and darkened by its sombry folds.

But he said it would make Dorothy too wretched, and he
could not have her told, and I agreed to it, but of course I
told my pardner and his heart wuz wrung and his bandanna
wet as sop in consequence on’t. And he told Miss Meechim,
too, that mornin’, and her complaisant belief in genteel drink-
in’ and her conservative belief in the Poor Man’s Club, wuz
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 449

shook hard—how hard I didn’t know until afterwards. Oh,
how she, too, loved Aronette! The children when they wuz
told on’t mourned because we did, and on their own account
too, for they sot store by her what little they had seen of her
—for nobody could see her without loving her.

As for Arvilly, her ideas on intemperance couldn’t be
added to or diminished by anything, but she wep’ and cried
for days.

* * * * * *

Well, I spoze you all want to know the peticulars. Rob-
ert Strong wuz the first one that left the tarven in the morn-
in’. He had to see a man very early on business. He went out
by the ladies’ entrance. And there crouched on the cold stun
steps, waitin’ we spozed to ketch another glimpse of Dorothy,
and mebby to ask for help, for she wuz almost naked, and
her plump little limbs almost skin and bone, dead and cold,
frozen and starved, so we spozed, lay Aronette. Pretty,
happy little girl, dearly beloved, thrown by Christian Amer-
ica to the wild beasts just as sure as Nero ever did, only
while he threw his human victims to be torn and killed for
fun, America throws her human victims, her choicest, bright-
est youth, down to ruin and death, for greed. Which looks
the Worst in God’s sight? I d’no nor Josiah don’t.

Well, Robert called a ambulance, had the poor boney,
ragged victim took to a hospital, but all efforts wuz vain to
resuscitate her. She had gone to give in her evidence against
America’s license laws, aginst Army Canteen, Church and
State, aginst Licensed Saloon Keeper, aginst highest official
and lowest voter, aginst sinner and saint, who by their en-
couragement or indifference make such crimes possible.

The evidence wuz carried in, the criminals must meet it,
it is waitin’ for em, waitin’. Of course the New York parties
who helped Robert, policemen, doctors, and nurses, thought
very little of it, it wuz so common, all over the land, they
said, such things was happening all the time from the same
cause. And we knew it well, we knew of the wide open pit,

29
450. AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFH

veiled with tempting covering, wove by Selfishness and Greed,
scattered over with flimsy flowers of excuse, palliation, ex-
pediency that tempts and engulfs our brightest youth, the
noblest manhood, old and young, rich and poor—it is very
common.

But to us who loved the pretty, merry little maid, re-
memberin’ her so happy and so good, and saw her ruined and
killed before our eyes by the country that should have pro-
tected her, we kept it in our hearts, we could not forgit it.

Robert Strong had her buried in a quiet corner of a cem-
etery and left orders for a stun cross to be put up to mark
her grave. He asked me to write the epitaph which he had
carved in the marble, and I did:

ARONETTE
Young, Happy, Beloved—Murdered!
Vengeance is mine saith the Lord.

Robert had it put on just as I writ it. He didn’t tell
Dorothy anything about her death till they got home. She
never see the epitaph; it wuz true as truth itself, but it wuz
hash, and might have made her bed-sick, lovin’ Aronette as
she did. But after Dorothy Strong wuz livin’ with him,
blessed and happy in their pretty, simple home in his City
of Justice, then he told her that Aronette wuz dead, died in
a hospital and wuz buried in a pleasant graveyard. And
Dorothy mourned for her as she would for a beloved sister.

Yes, Dorothy will mourn for her all her days. The young
man who wuz to marry her will live under the shadow of
this sorrow all his life, for he is one of the constant ones
who cannot forgit. The old grandmother in Normandie
waited for letters from her darling which never came, and
will die waiting for her.

The young man who enticed the pretty little maid into
the canteen, licensed by America, and gave her stupefying
drink, licensed by our laws, took her, staggering and stupid,
AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 451

to another dretful house, made as respectable as they can
make it by our Christian civilization. He lived long enough,
I spoze, to add several more victims to the countless list of
such murders that lays on our country’s doorsteps, and then
he too died, a bloated, loathsome wreck, makin’ another vic-
tim for the recordin’ angel to mark down, if there is room
in her enormous books of debt and credit with this traffic
for another name. And I spoze there is, for them books
tower up mountain high, and new ones have to be opened
anon or oftener, and will I spoze till God’s time of reckonin’
comes and the books are opened and the debts paid.

It wuz a lovely day when we see the towers of Jonesville
loom up above the billows of environin’ green.

(I mean the M. E. steeple showin’ up beyend Grout
Nickleson’s pine woods.)

As the cars drew into the station they tooted their delight
agin and agin at our safe return as the train stopped.

As we walked up the platform I see Josiah furtively on-
button his stiff linen cuffs as if preparin’ to throw ’em off for
life. His face radiant, and hummin’ sotey vosey his favorite
ballad:

“ Hum agin, hum agin, from a furren shore.”

Arvilly looked happy to agin touch the sile of home, and
be able, as she said, to “ tend to her things.” And wuz not I
happy? I who loved my country with the jealous love that
makes a ma spank her boy for cuttin’ up. Is it love that
makes a ma stand by, and see her boy turn summer sets and
warhoop in meetin’-houses? Nay, verily, every spank that
makes him behave is a touching evidence of her warm devo-
tion.
I felt as I stood on the beloved sile of home (better sile
and richer than any other), beneath its bright sunshine
(warmer and brighter than any other sunshine) I felt that
I loved my country with that passionate, jealous love that
could never be contented till she rises up to the full glory
she might and will have. When she sweeps her long strong
452 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

arms round and brushes off vile politicians and time-servers,
and uses a pure free ballot to elect good men and good wim-
men to make good laws, then will come the Golden Age
that I look for, and that will come, when Justice will take her
bandages off, and look out with both eyes over a prosperous
and happy land. God speed the day!

We parted with the children here, they goin’ to their
own homes, after promisin’ to come and see me and their
pa very soon. Tommy throwed his arms round my neck and
said he should stay with us half the time. We want him to.

Well, Ury met us with the mair and warm smiles of
welcome, and Philury greeted us with joyous smiles and a
good warm meat supper. They set store by us, lots of store,
and when we gin ’em the presents we had brung for ’em from
foreign shores, happiness seemed to radiate from ’em like
light and warmth from the sun. Josiah enjoyed his supper—
yes, indeed—his liniment shone with satisfaction as he sot
at the table in his stockin’ feet and shirt sleeves, and eat
more than wuz good for him, fur more. He had begun to
onbend, and I knew that for days I couldn’t keep clothes
enough on him to be hardly decent, but knew also that that
would wear away in time.

Feelin’ first-rate when we got home, it only took us a
short time to rest and recooperate from our tower, and re-
ceive calls from the children and grandchildren and Jones-
villians. And the children helped Philury and me to git
the house all in order, and prepare for Thanksgiving. I
sent out invitations for a party; I laid out to invite all my own
dear ones, old and young, Elder Minkley and his wife, Ar-
villy, and how I did want to invite Ernest White and Wait-
still Webb, but he wuz away on a long vacation, and Waitstill
I hadn’t hearn from for weeks, she wuz in the Philippines the
last I hearn.

I wanted to invite all the brethern and sistern in the
meetin’-house, but Philury thought she couldn’t wait on ’em
all, and we compromised on the plan of havin’ ’em all here
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE 453

to a evenin’ social the week after, when we’d pass round
things and not have so many dishes to wash.

I laid out to be dretful thankful Thanksgivin’ day. I felt
that my heart would keep the holiday with drums beatin’
and flags wavin’, to speak in metafor. For how much, how
much I had to be thankful for! My beloved pardner and I
had reached our own home in safety. The Lord had watched
over us in perils by water, perils by land, perils by fatigue,
perils by Josiah’s strange, strange plans.

Tommy wuz as well as ever a child wuz; the doctor said
his lungs wuz sound asa bell. All our dear ones at home had
been kep’ in safety and our home seemed more like a bliss-
ful oasis in a desert world than it ever did before.

I always like to be up to the mark in everything, and T
felt that I had so much to be thankful for Thanksgivin’ day
that I laid out to git up early so’s to begin to be thankful as
soon as daylight anyway, and keep it up all day till long
after candle light. But as it turned out I begun to keep the
glorious holiday of Thanksgivin’ three days ahead and had
to, for I couldn’t help it.

I believe in makin’ preparations ahead; I believe in takin’
time by the forelock and leadin’ it along peaceable and stiddy
by my side, instead of time’s drivin’ me, rough shod and
pantin’ for breath over a household path, rocky and rough
with belated duties. And it wuz three days before Thanks-
givin’ I sot in my clean, cheerful-lookin’ kitchen seedin’
some raisins for the fruit cake, Josiah bein’ out to the barn
killin’ two fat pullets for the chicken pie. Ury wuz down
in the swamp gittin’ some evergreens and holly berries to
decorate with, and Philury dressin’ the turkey and ducks in
the back kitchen, when I heard a rap at the settin’ room door
and I wiped my hands on the roller towel and smoothed
back my hair and went to the door.

And who do you spoze stood there? His eyes shinin’
brighter than the sky did, though that wuz clear blue, lit by a
warm sunshine, It wuz Ernest White, and guess who wuz
454 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

by his side; I'll tell you, for you never could think who it wuz
—it wuz Waitstill Webb. I had thought her face wuz as
sweet as it could be in sorrow, but I had never seen it in
gladness before. She looked like a sweet white rose just
blowed out under the warm sun of a perfect June day.

“Ernest White!” sez I, “how glad I am to see you!
And Waitstill Webb! can I believe my eyes?” sez I, “is it
you?” And I took both their hands in mine at one time.

“Waitstill Webb!” sez I agin, “is it you?”

“No,” sez Ernest White, “it is Waitstill White.”

You could have knocked me down with a hair-pin. I
kissed ’em both smilin’ and weepin’, laughin’ and cryin’, we
all on us wuz like three fools, or three wise ones, I d’no which.
And that’s how I begun to keep Thanksgivin’ more’n three
days ahead.

They come right into the kitchen and made me keep
on with my work, which I did after a little, they takin’ holt
and helpin’ me like two happy children. They stayed most
all the forenoon, but had promised to go back to Arvilly’s
to dinner.

Well! Well! I hadn’t been so tickled in matrimonial ways
and riz up and routed and dumb foundered since Thomas J.
and Maggie Snow got engaged. It seems that Ernest White
had gone way out to the Philippines after her, and they wuz
married in a little American chapel by a missionary of the
M. E. meetin’-house.

They wuz goin’ right to housekeeping in the widder
Pooler’s, where he had boarded. The widder had gone to
live with her daughter, Mahala, in Michigan, and Ernest
White has bought it. It stands in a pretty place near a ever-
green grove, just on the edge of Loontown near his people
that he loves, and has gin his life work to make better. And,
oh, what a sweet love-guarded home Waitstill White is goin’
to make for her pardner, and how happy Ernest White is
goin’ to be with the woman he loves. For besides bein’ so
congenial and beloved, Waitstill is as good a cook as I ever
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 455

see, and no matter how much a man’s soul soars up to the
heavens, whilst his body is on earth he will always appre-
ciate good vittles. Love never did nor never will thrive on
a empty stummick. Harmony of soul is delightful, and per-
fect congeniality is sweet, and so is good yeast emtin’ bread
if it is made right, kneaded three times, riz in a cool place
and baked to aturn. And tender broiled chops and chicken,
and hot muffins and fragrant coffee has some the effect on
the manly breast of love’s young dream.

Waitstill is a real home lover and homemaker. And it
seems that by her advice Ernest White had had alterations in
the house made that I approved highly on when I see ’em,
and they had ordered lots of things to be sent from the city to
make it pleasant, all put in first-rate order by the man left in
charge, and they invited Josiah and me to take tea with ’em
the very next evenin’ and go to meetin’ with ’em, which we
gladly accepted, seein’ we had got our preparations so fur
along; Arvilly wuz goin’ to be there they said. And, of
course, I invited ’em to my Thanksgivin’ dinner, which they
accepted with the same pleasure that we had theirn.
CHAPTER XXXVI

       
 
  

  
 
   
 

 

  

a FHELL, the next day, or ruther that night I begun
MA\WVY/py to make preparations to go to Waitstill
aN {\\ py White’s. I got a early supper that night so’s
NAGY to git to bed early so’s to git up in good sea-
SAUL son; so’s to git a early breakfast the next

mornin’, so’s to git a early dinner, so’s to start in good sea-
son for Ernest and Waitstill White’s. And I kep’ sayin’ that
over and over the next mornin’, “ Ernest and Waitstill
White’s,” it sounded dretful good to me, dretful.

I sez to Philury, “ We must have dinner early, for we are
invited to Ernest and Waitstill White’s.”

And I sez the same to Josiah. And he sez, “ You've said
that to me a dozen times already.”

“ Well,” sez I cheerfully, ‘‘ mebby I shall say it a dozen
times more.”

I felt well, dretful well in my mind. It had come out
just as I had hoped and prayed for, and why shouldn’t I feel
good.

Well, they greeted us with warm affection. And you
don’t know how pretty their home looked. It had been
fixed up in their absence and Waitstill had put the finishin’
touches to it when she come. It wuz a gloomy spot under
the Pooler regeem. But Waitstill wuz a true homemaker
and could make a barn seem home like, as folks can that
have that gift. You often see folks who think, or say they
think, that one set of faculties henders another set from
workin’. But it hain’t no such thing. Miss Pooler wuz
nothin’ but a housekeeper, and as poor a one at that as you
would be apt to find in a day’s travel, whilst Waitstill wuz
a philanthropist, a missionary, an angel on earth if ever there
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 457

wuz one, and a home-maker and a home lover added to it,
just as the Bible sez: “ Seek first the kingdom of heaven and
all these things shall be added unto you,” or words to that
effect.

The settin’-room and parlor that used to seem like a dark-
green curtained mausoleum, sacred to the mournin’ pieces
on the wall, and the hair wreaths of defunct Poolers wuz now
the sunshinny hant of Beauty and Cheerfulness. Bay win-
dows bordered with soft-colored glass, and curtained with
fleecy white, let the sunshine stream into the pretty, freshly-
decorated room, where it seemed to love to stay and shine.
A conservatory full of blossoming plants made the settin’
and dinin’-rooms full of cheer and perfume.

One good stout German girl bore willin’ly the heaviest
burdens of housekeeping, but Waitstill and Love and Good
Judgment wuz to the hellum, and the result wuz beautiful.
A happier household I don’t want to see, a better supper I
don’t want to eat. Waitstill had some briled chicken, tender
and toothsome, some creamed potatoes, fixed just right,
light white rolls, yellow sweet butter made from their own
Jersey cow’s milk, clear amber honey from their own bee-
hives, sliced peaches from their own peach trees (it wuz a
late kind, each one rolled up in newspapers, and put in a box
in the suller and kep’ and purple and white grapes kep’ in the
same way). Some pound cake made from my own reseet,
a noble one that fell onto me from Mother Allen, and im-
proved on by me, and some angel cake, made by Waitstill
herself, and as snowy and delicious as if it wuz made by a real
angel with wings, some fragrant coffee with rich cream to
make it delicious, and chocolate for them that preferred it.
A big glass bowl of roses and carnations wuz in the centre,
and the table wuz spread with a snowy linen cloth, and sot
with beautiful china, white with a gold and pink sprig on it,
part of a big quantity sent by his rich folks, who wuz de-
lighted to have him marry such a sweet girl and settle down,
and the heavy shinin’ silver marked “ W, W, W.,” lookin’
458 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

some like a runnin’ vine, and the glossy linen tablecloths and
napkins looking like satin covered with posies, come from the
same source, also marked with her initials. Enough, Wait-
still told me, to last ’em all their lives if they should live to be
as old as Methusaler and his wife.

Well, I wuz glad enough to see their prosperity and
happiness and when Ernest White sot to his own table by
the side of Waitstill White and in a few short, eloquent,
heart-felt words asked the Lord’s blessing on this new home
consecrated to his service, and on his dear friends happily re-
turned home agin, my heart echoed every word and there
wuzn't a dry eye in my head, not one.

After supper wuz over we sot out to go to the meetin’
he had spoke on. It wuz the openin’ night of the new library,
which wuz in a pretty little buildin’ jined onto the meetin’-
house and only a few minutes’ walk from Ernest and Wait-
still White’s.

There wuz a good, large room for the library filled with
good books helpful and inspirin’, bought partly by Ernest
White and partly by voluntary contributions by his people,
a reading-room filled with magazines and newspapers and
which with the library wuz to be opened every evening and
two afternoons in the weeks. And there wuz a cozy little
settin’-room and bed-room with a kitchen back out for the
librarian. And who do you spoze wuz to be librarian and
live here clost to her idol? Oh, shaw! I might just as well
told you right out as to have said that; it wuz Arvilly. It
wuz congenial work to her and left her plenty of time to go
round canvassin’ if she wanted to.

We wuz a little late for the meetin’, for a man come to
see the Elder just as we wuz startin’, about marryin’ him
the next day, and as anybody knows that has to be tended to
*tennyrate.

As we drawed nigh the library and meetin’-house we see
they wuz lighted up in as friendly and pleasant a way as if
they wuz two beacons set up to light our footsteps. And
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 459

as we went in we see a group of happy faced young people
gathered round the organ practicin’ a piece they wuz learnin’
for Thanksgivin’.

It wuz a sweet song of thankfulness and peace, filled
with gratitude for all the blessin’s of the year. A sweet
song full of love to God and man and that would be apt to
inspire the singers and hearers with forbearance, justice,
mercy, sane living and thinking. In another part of the hall
they wuz practicing some pretty pieces to speak at this cele-
bration, but when Elder White went in they all-met him joy-
fully as a beloved father is met by his children, and they be-
stowed a loving greeting on Waitstill too.

These young men and women wuz ready to look through
the magnifyin’ glass of love at any lesson Ernest White
should set before them to fit ’em for life’s battle.

The meeting that night wuz a sort of a social, where the
young and older folks met to get better acquainted with each
other, and had a good time visitin’ back and forth and com-
parin’ notes and bein’ introduced to Waitstill and the new
library. One attracted just about as much attention as the
other, both wuz exceedingly interestin’ to ’em and beloved.

Elder Cross wuz there, he sets store by Ernest White,
though he is so different from him. He is good natered
and a Christian, I believe, though Arvilly said he would
have to be fixed over quite a good deal before he got into
the Kingdom.

And I sez, ‘‘ Well, we all shall, Arvilly.”

“Ernest White won’t,” sez she, “all they will have to
do to him will be to tack on a pair of wings and pin his
crown on. He’s a saint on earth now,” sez she.

Well, Elder Cross come up to Arvilly and welcomed her
home and said a few words about Ernest White’s overwhelm-
in’ success, which he considered a mericale, and he couldn’t
understand it.

“ Well, I can understand it,” sez Arvilly, “I have always
said that no power could stand before the Church of Christ
460 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

when it is fully awakened to the enormity of the sin it is
encouraging by its indifference and neglect, and bands itself
together to fight against it. The saloon votes solid,” sez
Arvilly, “ they are faithful to their cause, they are fiery hot
with zeal, the church a good many of ’em are lukewarm,
some like the Laodocians, and some like dish-water ready to
be emptied down into the drain. America is ruled by her
cities, and they are ruled by the saloon and unrighteous trusts
and political bosses. Foreigners from the old world slums
flaunt the banner of independence in the face of American
womanhood. And the church of God that might remedy
the evils lets ’em go on.”

Sez Elder Cross, “I know well that the saloon is a
mighty power for evil, it ruins our youth, soul and body, and
I know that Monopoly is the thief that steals the rewards
of labor. But I pray, sister Arvilly, I pray without ceasing
that the Holy Spirit will come down, and smite these of-
fenders.”

Sez Arvilly the dantless one, “ You don’t depend on
prayer alone in your church services, in taking up collec-
tions, etc., or in worldly affairs,” (Elder Cross is real rich, he
keeps a hen dairy).

Sez Arvilly, “If you should depend on prayer alone to
keep your big shanghai rooster from fightin’ the little bantys
I guess you would be apt to have considerable of a wake in
your hen-yard. And you don’t kneel down and shet your
eyes and pray for your young turkeys and chickens when a
pair of big wicked hawks are swoopin’ down on ’em or a
heavy thunder-storm comin’ on. No, you drive your little
onprotected broods into the first shelter you can find and go
at the old hawks with a club. Not that I approve of fight-
in’,”’ sez Arvilly, “ but there is a time to pray and a time to
use a horsewhip; our Lord, who was and is our divine ex-
ample, prayed thy kingdom come, and then helped it to
come by driving out the money-changers, and them that de-
filed the temple. He might have prayed for them to be driv
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 461

out and then folded his hands and waited for the millennium.
But He didn’t, nor He didn’t say that human nature wuz too
hard to handle, and that evil things had got to be changed
gradual. He didn’t take their rich gifts, He didn’t make ’em
church wardens, nor hang their pictures up in college halls
to stimulate young men to go and do likewise. And that
is what ministers of our Lord and his disciples want to do to-
day, to drive out of the temple and the country the fat thieves
that infest it, and the sanctified rascals wearin’ sheep’s
clothin’. They have got a powerful whip in a consecrated
ballot that will drive the thieves out and make them dis-
gorge their ill-gotten gains.”

Elder Cross wuz agitated; the argument wuz driving him
into a corner where he didn’t want to stand; he turned the
conversation :

“ This is a great work dear brother White is doing, but
some criticise the idea of his opening the house of God every
evening for amusements as well as prayer. Some don't be-
lieve in mingling secular things with sacred.”

Sez Arvilly, “ What is more sacred to the Lord than a
saved soul, a lost one redeemed, a prodigal brought back.
What headway is one church opened three hours a week
goin’ to make aginst twenty saloons open every day and
night.” Arvilly begun to be powerful agitated and I spoke
up quick, for I knew how hash she wuz when she got to
goin’, and I didn’t want this beautiful day marred by hash-
ness even if it wuz deserved.

Sez I, “ We all know how much good the church has done
in the past. And now that the churches are beginning to
band themselves together, and vote as they pray, this enor-
mous force of righteousness is going to be victorious over
sin and darkness, and the Saloon and the Canteen, the
licensed houses of shame, monument of woman’s degrada-
tion, the unjust monopoly, the high fence separating the few
enormously rich from the masses of the suffering, starving

,

poor, will all have to fall. Christ did not die in vain,” sez
462 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

I, ‘‘ nor the blood of the martyrs has not been in vain. The
Lord has promised and he will fulfill.”

“ God speed that day!” sez Elder Cross shettin’ his eyes
and claspin’ his hands.

“ Amen!” sez I.

‘But I hearn Arvilly behind me. mutter, “ You'll have to
open your old eyes, Elder, and go to work, or you won’t
have much hand in it.”

But I guess he didn’t hear her.

Well, goin’ home that night, my heart sung for joy a
anthem, more than a ordinary sam tune. The bright moon-
light rested on the democrat and my pardner, and gilded the
way in front of us, and further off we could see it lay on the
lake, and it seemed to make a silver path on it. Life seemed
worth livin’, the cold waves of death seemed lit up with a
heavenly glow, the hosts of evil seemed to back off before
the Angel of Deliverance.

I don’t spoze that from Maine to Florida, or from Jones-
ville to San Francisco there wuz a happier Thanksgivin’ party
than we had.. Havin’ such sights and sights of things to be
thankful for, I laid out as I say to begin to be thankful before
candle light in the mornin’ and keep it up all day long till
bed time, and so I did.

It wuz a lovely day, the sun shone into our bedroom
winder through the beautiful knit fringe, made by my own
hands, and rested on me lovin’ly as I combed my hair in
front of the lookin’-glass. There had been a fall of snow the
night before, as if nater had done her best for the occasion
and spread her white ermine down for the feet of the angel,
Thanksgivin’.

Philury got breakfast most ready by candle light, and
I'd been bein’ thankful ever since she put the tea kettle over.

“ Josiah,” sez I, “ do you realize what a glorious day this
is and how much, how much we have to be thankful for?”

He had broke one of his shue strings and wuz bent down
breathin’ kinder hard and tusslin’ with it and his answer
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 463

wuzn’t what I could wished it wuz. But I knowed that it
wuz because the blood had rushed to his head. He got it
tied up in a few minutes and eat his breakfast with a splendid
appetite. Philury had good tender lamb chops and baked
potatoes and light muffins and a fragrant cup of coffee, and
Josiah recovered his usual flow of sperits before we got
half through. And we read together a chapter out of The
Book, and Josiah made a prayer full of thankfulness that
come from his very heart for the blessings of home and love
and all the precious gifts the Father bestowed on us durin’
the year.

The children come early and brought some lovely presents
tous. We make a practice of givin’ presents in our own fam-
ily Thanksgivin’, for it always seemed so kinder appropriate
that while we wuz givin’ thanks we might just as well give a
few more. And their presents to us wuz just what we wanted
and ourn to them proved to be just what they wanted. Of
course it wuzn’t all a happen; we had throwed out hints and
perspected round as well as we could before we selected ’em,
kinder throwed out the line of wonder and surmises, and
ketched opinions and wishes on it.

At ten A. M. we all got into two big sleighs and went to
Jonesville to meetin’. It wuz a union meetin’ and Elder
White wuz chose to preach the Thanksgivin’ sermon. It
wuz a beautiful discourse, it come from the depths of a thank-
ful, lovin’ Christian heart and went right to ourn.

The party I had invited went home with us from the
meetin’-house, Philury had the house all warm and it wuzn’t
long before we had dinner ready, of course we had got
everything cooked we could the day before.

The dinner, though of course I ortn’t to say it, but they
all said, and of course it must be so, they said it wuz the best
Thanksgivin’ dinner that wuz ever cooked in this world,
and Josiah whispered to me as he helped himself to the third
helpin’ of turkey and dressin’, that he knowed that there
464 AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE

never wuz such a meal cooked in Jupiter or Mars or any
other planet.

But I whispered back, it wuzn’t safe to say such things,
sez I. “ Most probably they have many and lots of things
we don’t know anything about.”

“Manny!” sez he, “ how would manny show off by the
side of this dressin’?”’ and he took another spunful.

I spoze my dressin’ duz go ahead of most, though it
hain’t made me hauty. Well, how happy everybody wuz;
how good they looked to me and‘I to them, I knew it by
their liniments. How the children doted on me and their Pa,
how dear little Tommy hung round us. How softened down
Arvilly wuz by her happiness in havin’ Waitstill back agin,
but still she kep’ her faculties from rustin’, and sold two
books that day for presents, and one to Elder Minkley for a
Sabbath School prize.

How adorable Waitstill looked in her pretty cashmere
gown of pale violet color with white roses at her bosom and
belt, she had throwed off her black as a reasonable widder
should, I never approved of mournin’ for one man whilst
weddin’ another, that is mournin’ in public in crape and
weeds. I don’t believe she had a black rag on her, she might
you know if she had been sly have put a black bindin’ on her
petticoat or a black pocket. I remember the Widder Doodle
did, but I never approved of it. No, mournin’ weeds are
right in their place, and orange blossoms in theirn, but I
never believed in mixin’ the two.

Down deep in Waitstill’s heart, hid from every eye but
the one who made that heart, wuz a place where her thought
must retire into now and then and weep. Yes, I knowed
that whilst her loyal love and respect and reverence wuz all
given to the man she loved, who wuz strong, her thought
would anon or oftener have to go into that sombry room
and weep for the young lover who wuz weak, but whose
weakness would never have blossomed into crime had not
his country hung the Sodom apple before his eyes and his
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 465

weak appetite yielded to it, had overthrown the labor and
efforts of years, tempted him with low temptations that had
been stronger than love, stronger than religion, stronger
than life. All his life long he had fought against inherited
tastes as they fought with wild beasts at Ephesus, and he
would have come off conqueror had it not been for licensed
evils and the weaknesses in high and low places that per-
mitted it to be.

Yes, into that closely locked, sombry chamber I knowed
that Waitstill would go alone and stay there for quite a
spell. But after a time I mistrusted the sweet peace and hap-
piness of her life would be such that she would go seldomer
and make shorter visits when she did go. And its black
gloom would be lighted by tones of living love and gleams
of light and warmth from tender eyes. And I hoped that
the time would come when dimpled baby fingers would gently
bar the doorway and she wouldn’t go there to stay for any
length of time.

Well, the happy company stayed till nine p. M., when they
departed with many pleasant and loving words, I being
thankful every minute of the time, even when I see ’em drive
off. You know sometimes as glad as you are to have com-
pany, and as well as you like ’em, you are kinder glad to set
down quiet, and think over all the happy time, and rest your
head.

Well, the next day after Thanksgivin’, early in the after-
noon, Josiah said he had got to go over to Jonesville, and
proposed that I should ride over with him. He said the mair
kinder needed shuein’, and sez he, “ We might bring Tommy
home with us, for there wuzn’t any school Saturday, and
he could stay over Sunday with us.”

It duz seem now as if we can’t help settin’ a little more
store by Tommy than we do by the other grandchildren.
But it better not be told I said it, it would make feelin’s
amongst the rest.

Well, we made lovely calls on the children, and got

30
466 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFE

Tommy, who wuz more than willin’ to come, and returned
home about ten a. M., Tommy settin’ between us and drivin’
the mair, Thomas J. and Maggie sayin’ they would drive
over Sunday night after him and take tea with us.

’ We stopped at the post-office, and Tommy run in and
got three letters for me, two on ’em which I opened and
read when I first got home, whilst Josiah and Tommy drove
over to Deacon Henzy’s onaerrent. As I say I read two on
“em, but of the third one more anon. One of my letters wuz
from Cousin John Richard, who had gone back to Victor
workin’ for his Lord in his own appointed way, teachin’ the
young, comfortin’ the aged, and exhortin’ the strong, helpin’
to bear the burdens of the weak, and doin’ it all in the name
of Him who is invisible, waitin’ patient till the summons
should be sent him to go home to his own land, for the Bible
sez that “them that do such things show plainly that they
seek a country.”

Fur acrost that dark continent from another oasis like
Victor beginnin’ to be illuminated with the white light beam-
in’ from the uplifted cross, come a message to me from an-
other consecrated missionary and child of Heaven, Evangel-
ine Noble. She told me of the blessed work she wuz doin’
in Africa and how happy she wuz in it, for her Master wuz
with her tellin’ her what to do from day to day, and she
happy in carryin’ out that work and seein’ the light from
heaven stream into dark minds and souls.

How much store I set by her, I lay out to send her a bar-
rel of things this fall, some dried apples, canned fruit, good
books, a piece of rag carpet and a crazy quilt, not rarin’
ravin’ crazy, but sort o’ beautifully delerious, embroidered
with cat stitch round every: block.

And the other letter wuz from Miss Meechim. I read
Cousin John Richard’s and Evangeline’s, but I put hern on
the mantletry piece and thought I wonldn’t read it till about
a hour after dinner, mistrustin’ that it would agitate and
work me up, so that my food wouldn’t set good.
 

 

Peteqevos UsIPTIYS sy L

 

Lor a8eg—uied sayy ut satsod yams pure sasos
9 di 4 fay} UT Sol P

 

‘ ===

 
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 467

Dorothy’s marriage to Robert Strong had took place a
week before, but not a word had I heard from Miss Meechim,
and I didn’t know what effect the blow had had on her. Jo-
siah and I had been warmly invited to attend the weddin’,
but not feelin’ willin’ to embark on another tower we sent
her a pretty present and love, lots and lots of love, and the
earnest best wishes of our hearts.

They wuz married in Dorothy’s home in San Francisco,
and went immegiately after the ceremony to their new home
in the City of Justice to begin their life work there. Dor-
othy had writ me all the particulars of their marriage. They
didn’t want any show and display she said, and they took
the money they would have had to spend to make a big wed-
ding with a crowd of guests, elaborate dressing, rich viands,
music, flowers, etc. They took this money and gave a holi-
day to the children in the City of Justice, a beautiful dinner,
music and gifts for all.

And they wuz married in a plain, quiet way in the pres-
ence of a few relatives and close friends, she dressed in a
pretty white muslin (and lookin’ sweet as a rose I knew,
though, of course, she didn’t say so). And after a simple
lunch, they drove out to their new home. But I hearn, and it
come straight, too, that the children of the City of Justice,
just worshippin’ Robert Strong as they did, they all on ’em
dressed in white, their pretty heads crowned with roses, filled
baskets with the sweetest flowers they could find and went
out to meet the young couple beyend the gate. And as they
approached, they met ’em with rejoicing songs sung in their
sweet clear voices and scattered roses and sweet posies in
their path, their bright, happy eyes and smilin’ lips givin’ ’em
just as sweet a greetin’.

And as they entered into the city at sunset, the workmen
met ’em all dressed in holiday attire, and their cheers and
blessings followed the carriage till they reached their own
door, which wuz banked up with odorous blossoms as high
as ever a snow drift blocked up the houses in Jonesville, and
468 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFR

they had to fairly wade through the sweet posies to git to
their door.

So, surrounded and blessed with love and rejoicings ris-
ing from grateful adoring hearts, Robert and Dorothy Strong
begun their married life. Love and Mercy standin’ right by
their sides like maids of honor, and Honesty and Justice like
usher and best man, usherin’ ’em into a useful and happy life
of work and toil sweetened forever with gratitude and love.
Lovin’ each other as dearly as ever a man and woman did,
lovin’ their Lord supremely and showing that love in the way
He bade his disciples to in caring for and blessing human-
ity. They begun that day a power of helpful inspiring influ-
ences that would bless the world, go through life with ’em
and wait on ’em clear through the swellin’ flood and lead ’em
up onto the other shore from their City of Justice and love
here, to that sweet continuing City of Rest and Reward.

I felt well about Robert and Dorothy—yes, my heart
sung for Joy carryin’ the hull four parts, base, altore, bear
tone and sulfireno. That is to say, the different faculties of
my head and heart all jined in and sung together in hap-
piness and made a full orkestry.

You know when you hear of some marriages a part of
you is pleased, mebby it is Common Sense, whilst Romance
and Fancy has to set dumb and demute. Or mebby Fancy
sings whilst cold Reason is spreadin’ a wet blanket on her
part of the band, chillin’ the notes and spilein’ the instrument.
But here Reason, Romance, Love and Common Sense all
jined in together and sung the wedding anthem loud and
clear.

But Miss Meechim, I felt dubersome about her; Dorothy
didn’t mention her in her letter, bein’ so took up with Robert
and Love, so I spozed. I knowed well how repugnant matri-
mony wuz to her and how sternly resolved she wuz that Dor-
othy should go through life a bachelor maid.

I hated to read Miss Meechim’s letter, I dreaded it like a
dog. How did I know but her great disappointment and
AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE 469

crushin’ grief to see her hull life work smashed and demol-
ished, had smit her down, and she had passed away writin’
my name on a envelope with her last flicker of life and some
stranger pen had writ me of the tragedy.

I put the letter up on the mantletry piece and thought I
wouldn’t read it till about a hour after dinner.

And whilst I wuz gittin’ dinner and eatin’ it and went
about doin’ up my work afterwards, I eyed that letter some
as a cat eyes a dog kennel and hung off from readin’ it. But
wantin’ to git the hard job over before night sot in, about
the middle of the afternoon I read a few verses of Foxe’s
Book of Martyrs, put two cushions in the rockin’ chair, took
a swaller of spignut and thorough-o’-wort to kinder hold up
my strength, and a few whiffs of camfire, and then I put on
my near-to specs, opened the letter with a deep sithe and be-
gun to read. But good land! I needn’t have foreboded so; I
might have knowed that though her hatred of matrimony
wuz great, her egotism and self esteem wuz bigger yet.

The letter stated in glowin’ terms her gratefulness to her
Creator to think she had a nephew so bound up in her inter-
est and welfare. She said that she had mentioned one day,
durin’ a severe attack of bilerous colic her fears and fore-
bodin’s about Dorothy’s future if she should succumb to the
colic and leave her alone. She said that it wuzn’t a week after
this that her nephew and Dorothy had confided to her the
fact of their engagement.

Sez she, “ Not one word to Dorothy have I mentioned or
ever shall mention as to Robert’s reasons for sacrificin’ him-
self to ease my mind, and make me more care free. I wouldn't
for the world,” sez she, “ have Dorothy suspect why Robert
has made a martyr of himself, and to no one but you, Josiah
Allen’s wife,” sez she, “ shall I ever breathe it.” But she felt
that she could confide in me, and wanted me to know just
how it wuz.

So her colossial self esteem carried her through safely, and
470 AROUND THE WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN'’S WIFH

she wuz as happy as any on ’’em. She wuz goin’ to live in a
little. house Robert had bought for her in San Francisco.
Martha, the steady English maid, wuz goin’ to live with her,
as she had proved faithful. And she added a few heart break-
in’ words of grief and mournfulness about our dear lost
Aronette.

And she gin me to understand that sence Aronette’s dret-
ful death in New York she had gradually changed her mind
about drinking.

I believe Arvilly’s talk helped convince her, though Miss
Meechim would never own it to her dyin’ day, and I d’no as
Arvilly would want her to, they just naterally abominate each
other.

But ’tennyrate she said she felt that nothing that could
lead on to that awful termination and terrible tragedy, could
be called genteel. And she said she had had a argument with
Rev. Mr. Weakdew, in which they had both got genteelly
angry (tearin’ mad I should call it from what she told me of
their interview). But I will pass over particulars which filled
eight pages of large note paper, the upshot bein’ that she had
left his church for good and all, and jined a Temperance mis-
sion church down in the city. And she wuz now writin’ tracts
to prove that intemperance wuz the beast with seven horns
mentioned in Scripture.

Good land! it has got more than seven horns, I believe,
and all of ’em dagger sharp and wet with tears and heart’s
blood.

She expected, she said, that these tracts would make a
end to the liquor power and the social evil, and temperance
would rain in the world some time durin’ the comin’ fall.

But they won’t. These evils are-sot too firm on American
soil, it will take a greater power than Miss Meechim’s tracts
to upheave ’em. But I am glad she is sot that way, for every
little helps, and the breath of Miss Meechim’s converted soul
is blowin’ the right way and when the hull Christian world
AROUND THH WORLD WITH JOSIAH ALLEN’S WIFE ‘471

shall be converted, the united influence will move along a
mighty overwhelmin’ power that will sweep these ungodly
evils from the face of the earth. Then will come the golden
days of peace, righteousness, the reign of the Lord Jesus,
for which we pray every day when we say “ Thy kingdom
come, Thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.”
 

A FEW FROM HUNDREDS OF PRESS NOTICES OF
SAMANTHA AT THE ST. LOUIS EXPOSITION

By JOSIAH ALLEN'S WIFE (MARIETTA HOLLEY)

 

 

 

Few characters of fiction will live longer than Samantha. A fund of
old-fashioned, homely but decidedly sound philosophy, yet an eye for the
facetious phases of human nature, witty as well as philosophical. Older
readers can remember a few who have pleased for a time and been
forgotten, and the few in recent years like David Harum and Eben Holden
have been most enthusiastically appreciated. The philosophy of Sam-
antha is broader and deeper than any of these characters. Her insight
when dealing with hidden motives is sharper and her wit keener. It is
not surprising that the character has so long stood the test of time, and
that a new book from the author is regarded as an important event in the
book world. Pittsburg Press

Those who went to the St. Louis Exposition—and those who wished
to but did not, can have a good souvenir of the great show, and an
account of it that will be interesting years hence as now, in ‘‘ Samantha
at the St. Louis Exposition.”

Samantha and Josiah went to the Fair, ‘took it all in,” and
Samantha relates their experiences in her wellknown quaint style. The
characteristic illustrations of their adventures by C. Grunwald are great.

Cleveland Plain Dealer

The main points of interest at the Exposition are discussed and
moralized over in her inimitable way by Samantha. The Outlook

Samantha at the St. Louis Exposition, by Josiah Allen’s wife, is a
revival of what was perhaps one of the most popular humorous series ever
issued. The present volume contains the same pathos and shrewd rustic
sense with all the humor of her previous works.

Baker & Taylor's Monthly Bulletin of Best Selling Books

She has sampled the glories of the St. Louis Fair and described them
in language of enduring worth. Boston Advertiser

A story full of the mixture of wit, pathos, eloquence and common
sense. New York Globe

Very unlike her earlier books in appearance. It has a smart up-to-
date binding and striking modern illustrations by Grunwald. But Miss
Holley’s part is perfectly natural and familiar. It has lost none of its
mirth, none of its common sense, none of its good clear-eyed religious
way of looking at things. It is faithful to the spirit of a great deal
that is best in American life. Syracuse Post Standard

 

G. W. DILLINGHAM COMPANY
PUBLISHERS NEW YORK
WHAT THE CRITICS SAY OF :

Sic Henry Morgan—Buccaneer

By CYRUS TOWNSEND BRADY

The New York Tribune says—and it is true—that ‘‘ Mr. Brady is
fond of dashing themes and certainly here he has found a subject to suit
his most exacting mood. He has taken a rascal for the hero of his
picaresque and rattling romance. The author is lavish in incident and
handles one thrilling situation after another with due sense of all the
dramatic force that is to be got out of it. His description of the last
moments of the old pirate is one of the most effective pieces of writing
he has put to his credit, Sir HENRY MorGAN-BUCCANEER is: an
absorbing story.”

‘“Cyrus Townsend Brady has had the hardihood to set aside the
romantic pirate of fictional tradition and paint a genuine historic pirate;
lustful, murderous, brutal, relentless. The story has force and dramatic
interest. "— The Lamp.

‘‘Mr. Brady has never before been so successful in creating a
character who so completely fills the scene. Morgan dominates the
book from the first line to the last." —Philadelphia: Item.

‘* The story is a fascinating one—a concentration of all the pirate
stories that ever were written.”"—Rochester Herald.

“Mr. Brady has a graphic and realistic power of description. The
novel is full measure and running over with thrills."—Brooklyn Eagle.

“A thrilling pirate story, a lively romance sufficiently sensational
yet not lacking in delicacy.”—Boston Transcript.

‘The story is full of incident and has an appropriate measure of
love and sword play."—. Y. Times.

“Tt is as rakish and dashing a craft on seas literary as any of the
hero’ s black-flagged ships on seas actual.”—V. VY. World.

ne “There. is ‘hot stuff’ in SrR HENRY MorGan-BUucCANEER.”
N.Y. Evening Sun.

; ““ The interest of the action, pitched high in the beginning, is held
" co’the point of utmost tension throughout. "St. Louis Star.

‘

Profusely and beautifully illustrated from paintings by J. N. Marchand
and drawings by Will Crawford.  Cloth-bound, $1.50.

Sold Everywhere, or Sent Postpaid Free on Receipt of Price.

G. W. DILLINGHAM CO., Publishers, NEW YORK
NEW AND SUCCESSFUL BOOKS.

SIR HENRY MORGAN-BUCCANEER

By Cyrus Townsend Brady. Author of “For Love of Country,”
“For the Freedom of the Sea,” “The Southerners,” etc., etc.
Morgan was the most remarkable of all buccaneers. "The author
shows his ferocity and cruelty, and depicts him without lighten-
ing the dark shadows of his character. Yet at the same time he
brings out the man’s dauntless courage, his military ability, his
absolute disregard of odds, his wonderful capacity as a sailor,
his fertility and resourcefulness, which awaken our admiration
in spite of ourselves. He is shown, a real pirate, just as he was—
great and brave, small and mean, skillful and cruel, and the great
lesson of the por is one of just retribution, in the awful punish-
ment that is finally visited upon him, by those whom he so fear-
fully and terribly wronged. Profusely illustrated from drawings
by J. N. Marchand and Will Crawford. 12mo. Cloth, $1.50.

BECAUSE OF POWER

By Ella Stryker Mapes. It is a novel attractively presenting the
‘counterpoise of character and fate. Broad in conception and
true in tone, the story is handled with distinct style. The spark
of life glows on every page, the atmosphere is vital—electrified
by the quickening currents of humanity.
Hamilton W. Mabie says of it: “There is a great deal of vitality
in it, an amount of passion that gives it color, movement and go,
uite unusualin storiesfrom the penof Americanwomen.’”’ 12mo.
Cloth bound. Illustrated by Latimer J. Wilson, $1.50.

THE ROOM WITH THE LITTLE DOOR

By Roland B. Molineux. First edition, 25,000 copies. A story
that will be read with the deepest interest. Original, absorbing,
and abounding in heart interest. Of good education and artistic
temperament, no condemned man in America was ever better
able to portray the remarkable delineations at Sing Sing, where,
as he wrote, death itself was the shadow of his pencil, reminding
us of “The Count of Monte Cristo” and of “The Man in the Iron
Mask.” Size 5.x 7 inches, beautifully bound in cloth, $1.25.

THE VICE-ADMIRAL OF THE BLUE

By Roland Burnham Molineux. Author of “The Room with
the Little Door.” An historical romance dealing in a new and
absorbing manner with the famous love affairs of Lord Nelson
and Lady Hamilton. The story opens in Naples, and gives a

aphic picture of court life in the gayest of monarchies, in the
dew immediately following the Battle of the Nile. The story
carries the reader to Sicily, to London, where glimpses are had of
the beau monde and the old time tavern life, and later to the
extended country homes of the England of that time. 12mo.
cloth bound. ustrated, $1.50.
NORMAN HOLT, a Story of the Army of the Cumber-
land

By General (Capt.) Charles King. ‘No more charming historic
war story has ever been written. It is Captain King’s best, and
bearing, as it does, on the great battle of Mission Ridge, although
the story is woven in fiction, it adds an invaluable record of that
gigantic contest between the two great armies.

“The characters are real, their emotions natural, and the romance
that is interwoven is delightful. It is wholesome and one of
General King’s best, if not his best, book.”—N. Y. Journal.

“From the first chapter to the last page the interest of the reader
never fags. General King has written no more brilliant or stir-
ring novel than ‘Norman Holt.’”—N. Y. Press. Illustrated,
cloth bound, $1.25.

THE IRON BRIGADE, a Stery of the Army of the
Potomac. (Fourth Edition)

By General Charlies King. Llustrations by R. F. Zogbaum. In
choosing the subject of this story General King has taken one of
the most gallant and heroic organizations of the Civil War, and
woven around it many intensely interesting historic scenes.
Sketches of Lincoln, Stanton, Grant, Meade and other prominent
characters of the time lend much to the holding power of the
story. Illustrated. Cloth bound, $1.50.

DENSLOW’S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS. (30th
Thousand)

The old classic story, illustrated by W. W. Denslow. Here is the
best Christmas story ever told. The man is yet to be born who
can write anything to supersede what has made St. Nicholas and
his tiny reindeer living ard breathing realities to millions of
children throughout the world.

Embellished, as it is, with the whimsical humor of Mr. Denslow’s
inimitable drawings, produced in colors by the most beautiful
printing, it will eclipse all other juvenile picture books of the
year. A large quarto, handsomely bound in cloth or illumin-
ated board cover, $1.50.

DENSLOW’S ONE RING CIRCUS, and Other Stories,
containing:

One Ring Circus, 5 Little Pigs, A BC Book,
Z00, Tom Thumb, Jack and the Bean-stalk.
The six bound in cloth, decorative cover, $1.25.

DENSLOW’S HUMPTY DUMPTY, and Other Stories,

containing:
Humpty Dumpty Mary had a Little Lamb
Little Red Riding Hood Old Mother Hubbard
The Three Bears House that Jack Built

The six bound in cloth, decorative cover, $1.25.
A COIN OF EDWARD VII

By Fergus Hume. The Nashville American says: “It has an
attraction that borders on fascination. This story is in Fergus
Hume’s best style, and is particularly noted for the ingenuit
of its construction and skill of working out details.” —12mo, clot:
bound, $1.25.

A SPECKLED BIRD. (Fourth Edition)

By Augusta Evans Wilson. 125th thousand. “It is a piece of
work far better than many of the ‘best selling novels’ of recent
seasons. Mrs. Wilson proves that she is a vigorous and able
veteran of letters, and it will be welcomed by all the quondam
admirers of ‘St. Elmo.’ They are legion.”—Eleanor M. Hoyt,
in The Book Buyer.

“Far above the average work of fiction.”—Louisville Courier
Journal.

“How absolutely sweet and clean and wholesome is the atmos-
phere of the story: It could not be anything else and come
from her pen.” —Brooklyn Eagle. 12mo, cloth bound, $1.50.

THE CROMPTONS. (Fourth Edition)

By Mary J. Holmes. “Whoever open the pages of ‘The Cromp-
tons’ will find in it the elements which have made popular this
author’s thirty odd stories and carried her name, a household
word, to millions of readers,” Nashville American.

“ Her novels circulate by the hundreds ef thousands, and her name
is conjured with where the literary aristocrats are never heard
of.””—Rochester Herald. Handsomely bound in cloth, $1.00.

THE KISS OF GLORY. (Third Edition)

By Grace Duffie Boylan. A narrative of the life of Joseph, the son
of Jacob. His captivity, release and love life.

One of the greatest stories in all literature, wholly human in the
elemental passions exhibited. It is a powerful portrayal. Mrs.
Boylan has been fortunate in irnagining a passion in entire keep-
ing with the oriental surroundings which give the book as a whole
its fine exotic flavor.”—Chicago American.

Illustrations, cover design and poster by J. C. Leyendecker. Hand-
somely bound in cloth, 12mo, $1.50.

THE DAY OF PROSPERITY, a Vision of the Century
to Come
By Paul Devinne. A vivid, startling and original picture of a re-
constructed world, a novel with an ingenious plot, and a spark-
ling and fantastic story of life in the year 2000. A solution of
to-day’s most mooted problems; differing from Bellamy and
kindred thinkers, though following somewhat similar lines. A
very engrossing novel, with humanly sympathetic characters,
Cloth bound, $1.50.
JOHN HENRY. (125th Thousand)

By Hugh McHugh. “‘John Henry’ has just ‘butted’ its way in
between the literary bars and capered over the book counters to
i oe of 12,000 copies before its publishers could recover their

reath.

“Every page is as catchy as a bar from a popular song.

“The slang is as correct, original and smart as the newest hand-
shake from London.

“TIn the lottery cf humorous books ‘John Henry’ seems to ap-

roximate the capital prize.”—N. Y. Journal.

“ All who have laughed over ‘Billy Baxter’ will heartily enjo
this book.”—The Bookseller, Newsdealer and Stationer. Cloth
bound, 75 cents.

DOWN a LINE WITH JOHN HENRY. (80th Thou-
sand)

By the author of “John Henry,” etc. This is the second of the
“John Henry” books and quickly followed its predecessor along
the high road of success. The story of “At the Races” has
already grown to be a Classic in Slang. It is brimful of human
nature, and is amusing in the highest degree. Illustrated,
attractively bound, 75 cents.

IT’S UP TO YOU. (soth Thousand)

By the author of “ John Henry,” “ Down the Line,” ete. A bright,
new story by Hugh McHugh, detailing the adventures of his
widely known hero, who, after a spirited court; is married
and tries to settle down. His efforts along these lines are de-
tailed with much humor. This will be one continuous story.
Mlustrated, attractively bound, 75 cents.

BACK TO THE WOODS. (4oth Thousand)

By the author of “John Henry,” “Down the Line,” “It’s Up to
You,” etc. This new “John Henry” book is really the best of
the four. It is a complete story in seven chapters, further por-
traying the fortunes and misfortunes of John Henry, Clara Jane,
Uncle Peter, Bunch, Aunt Martha and Tacks. Illustrations by
Gordon Grant. Cloth bound, 75 cents.

OUT FOR THE COIN. (First Edition Sept., 1903)

By the author of “John Henry,” “Down the Line with John
Henry,’’ “It’s Up to You,” “ Back to the Woods,” which com-
bined, have reached a sale of over 240,000 copies. “Out for the
Coin” is another “Crackerjack Volume of Comedy” in which
John Henry and his delightful friends find a new field for their
stirring and amusing adventures. Illustrated from drawings by
Gordon Grant. Cloth, gilt top, 75 cents.
MR. SHARPTOOTH, a Juvenile Story of 4 Bad Wolf
and A Good Boy

By Joe. Kerr. With 64 pages of beautiful, four-color pictures
from drawings by Robert H. Porteous.

A most charming and attractive juvenile picture book. The story
itself is unique in conception, the drawings are beautiful in de-
sign, and are both humorous and pathetic. First edition, 10,000
copies. Quarto, cloth cover, price, $1.25.

ECCENTRICITIES OF GENIUS, Memories of Famous
Men and Women of the Platform and Stage

By Major J. B. Pond. These biographical sketches of notable
Orators, Preachers, and Lecturers, descriptive of the personal
traits of character of the many noted persons who have publicly
appeared under the management of Major Pond, are thrillingly
and forcibly told. A magnificent octavo volume containing
nearly one hundred half-tone portrait illustrations. Cloth
bound, $3.50.

UNDER A LUCKY STAR, a New Book on Astrology

By Charlotte Abell Walker. Tells what occupation to adopt, and
what line of life to follow, what associates and partners to choose,
how to recognize the possibilities and limitations of our friends
and ourselves, and of other important matters to human life,
including suggestions on marriage, being mainly culled from the
minds of ancient and modern philosophers. (Illustrated, cloth
bound, $1.50.

TRUE DETECTIVE STORIES

From the Pinkerton Archives. By Cleveland Moffett. The ab-
sorbing stories told here by Mr. Moffet are statements of actual
facts repeated without exaggeration or false coloring. The
author, By the help of the Pinkerton Agency, has given the inside
history of famous cases which the general public only know of
through newspaper accounts. Cloth bound, 75 cents.

THE COMPLETE WORKS OF ARTEMUS WARD

By Charles Farrar bruwne. With a biographical sketch of the
author by Melville D. Landon. The present edition is of a work
which has been for more than thirty years prominently before
the public, and which may be justly said to have maintained
a standard character. It is issued because of a demand for a
better edition than has ever been published.

In order to supply this acknowledged want, the publishers have
enlarged and perfected this edition by adding some matter not
heretofore published in book form. ’

A large 12mo, printed from new electro plates, with 28 full-pa
illustrations, and photogravure portrait of the author, hand-
somely bound in cloth. gilt top, $2.00.
THE ADVENTURES OF CAPTAIN KETTLE

By Cutcliffe Hyne. The best sea story since the days of Marryat.
Captain Kettle is a devil-may-care sea dog, half pirate and half
preacher. The author carries him through many hairbreadth
escapes and makes him a character that will live long in the
annals of fiction. The success of this book is marveious. Over
80,000 copies have been sold. Illustrated. Cloth bound, $1.50.

A MASTER OF FORTUNE, Being Further Adventures
of “Captain Kettle”

By Cutcliffe Hyne. “It has the dash and tinge of reality that
makes you feel as if you were in the midst of it all.” Detroit
Free Press. :

“The many readers who followed with bated breath the wild ad-
ventures of fae Kettle in the book named for him, will
welcome Cutcliffe Hyne’s new collection of tales dealing with
that remarkable sea 473. The volume is well called ‘A Master
of Fortune.’”’- -chiladelphia Press.

“ Nobody v:u0 has followed the gallant sailor—diminutive, but oh,
my !—in his ptevious adventures around the earth, is going to
miss this red-hot volume of marvelous exploits.’—N. Y. World.
Illustrated. Cloth bound, $1.50.

THE TWENTIETH CENTURY COOK BOOK

By Mrs. C. F. Moritz and Adele Kahn. A modern and complete
household cook book such as this is, since cooking has come to be
a science no less than an art, must find a welcome and become the
inost popular cook book of all the many now published.

“Tt can hardly be realized that there is anything worth eating that
its receipt cannot be found in this volume. This volume has
been carefully compiled and contains not only the receipts for an
elaborate menu, but also the modest ones have been considered.”
Book and Newsdealer. Bound in cil cloth, for kitchen use, $1.50.

HIS FRIEND THE ENEMY

By Wm. Wallace Cook. Author of “Rogers of Butte,” “ Little
Miss Vassar,” etc.

The Detroit Free Press says: “It gives a graphic story built round
one of the ‘county-seat wars’ that have been actual occurrences
in the development of the West. The story is well furnished
with incident, moves with a rush, and gives a vivid idea of some
ay times out in the Territories.” Clothbound. Illustrated,

50.

THE PAGAN’S CUP
By Fergus Hume, author of “The Mystery of a Hanson Cab,”
etc. This isa thrilling detective story, in which the interest
and mystery is well sustained. Clcth bound, $1.25.
i

Nog
Buea