ve \\ \ ~ \ sustiep yen wie HB aS 324A IS 1910 e m ~ * ty THE JosepH WuitmoreE Barry CORNELL UNIVERSITY LIBRARY DRAMATIC LIBRARY THE GIFT OF TWO FRIENDS OF ll SSS DUE JAN 1 41944 APRI5 1949G _-MARS~ IST6F Nov 7% 1950 JUC-TS 1957 KO “p 6 1968-ER 5° + YS z meee AUG 2 pppoe oe fm ‘ornell University Libra’ | Ta 1) j b pemccprenropnionner id “You are gaily adorned’’ (p. 142). (Frontisptece THE PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK AN IDLE FANCY IN A PROLOGUE, A PLAY AND AN EPILOGUE BY JEROME K. JEROME “TI will seek thy good” LONDON HURST & BLACKETT, LTD. PATERNOSTER HOUSE 1910 eG L. Ay Alesa438 HAZELL, WATSON & VINEY, LD., LONDON AND AYLESBURY. ASOD AG AVI LIST OF ILLUSTRATIONS °° yoU ARE GAILY ADORNED” . ‘ , Frontispiece e Facing page ‘CwHAT ABOUT THAT THIRD FLOOR BACK?” . . 12 °¢ AND IF I DON'T?” . s : ’ . 85 “Do YOU WANT TO SINK TO MY LEVEL?” 4 . 46 EMERALDS : : g : , j 4 i 50. *© GOOD AFTERNOON ” é ‘ , ‘ ‘ . 69 ‘CT SHALL NOT BE ABLE TO GO TO-NIGHT ”. ‘ . 88 ‘srr DOWN. TALK TO ME.” . j ‘ s . 99 ‘* ARE YOU SURE IT IS I WHO AM MAKING THE MIS- TAKE?” . é : : : ; . . 110 “Tl NEVER THAID ANYTHING” . : ‘ e . 122 ©) DIDN'T KNOW” . ‘ : 3 ‘ ‘ . 147 ‘“THEY ARE MY FAVOURITE FLOWERS” . 3 . 164 “] LIKE THAT LITTLE BOW ON THE SHOULDER ” . 168 ** YoU COME AT THE END OF THE FEAST”. ‘i . 188 “ you STILL THINK ME BEAUTIFUL?” : 3 . 202 SHE STANDS WITH THE DOOR IN HER HAND ‘ . 212 3 CHARACTERS IN THE PROLOGUE A Satyr A Coward A Bully A Shrew A Hussy A Rogue A Cad A Cat A Snob A Slut A Cheat and A Passer-by The Passing of the Third Floor Back PROLOGUE SCENE The first floor front of 13, Bloomsbury Place, London, W.C. The furniture is of the Early Victorian or horsehair period. A worn Brussels carpet covers the floor. A large round table occupies the centre of the room. The high bay windows, looking out wpon the street, are draped with red curtains: between them stands a small desk. Against the wall at back, an old-fashioned cottage piano, and a sideboard. From the wail to the right of the audience large folding doors lead into the dining- room. Two easy-chairs face the fire, which is supposed to be in front: a dull red glow spreads itself across the room. The door at back opens into the passage. Opposite to it is the front 7 8 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK door, surmounted by a “ fanlight’’; and beyond, the ever-misty square, leafless in winter dreariness. A heavy three-branched gaselier hangs from the ceiling, the globes hidden under paper shades. It ts a Friday afternoon in November. [MRS. SHARPE ts making out her bills. She ts a tall, thin, sharp-featured woman. She wears a widow’s cap and spectacles ; the latter she takes off when not writing. She looks up from her writing, looks at her watch, then calls.] MRS. SHARPE Stasia! [She rises and goes to the door.] Lazy hussy. [Calls louder] Stasia ! STASIA [Without.] All right—all right. Don’t shout. Spoil yer voice for singing. [Enter as she speaks sTasta, carrying a tray laden with tea-things. She is a slatternly young person, her hair fluffed all about her head.] MRS. SHARPE Don’t answer me like that, you workhouse brat you. What have you been doing ? PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 9 STASIA Injoring myself. [Puts down the tray on the table.] All there is to do in this plice. MRS. SHARPE You take care you don’t lose it—find yourself with the key of the street in your pocket. Not many places open to girls just out of prison. STASLA Industrial school, if you please. MRS. SHARPE [Gives a snorting laugh.| What time did old Wright come in last night ? STASIA [She ts laying the table.] "Bout ’alf past “leven— quarter to twelve. MRS. SHARPE Drunk ? STASIA Oh, just fuddled, sime as usual. You know, I suppose, that ye’re out of whiskey ? MRS. SHARPE I'd forgotten it. 12 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK STASIA It’s a rummy world when you come to think of it. [Cheerfully] Got to be doing somebody or being done from the time you get up in the morning until yer goes to bed at night. And when yer do fall asleep, it’s to dream you’ve forgotten to bolt yer door. By the by, what about that third floor back? Ain’t yer going to do anything ? MRS. SHARPE Oh! I’ve spent more than I'll get out of it in a month, advertising it. STASIA You don’t make ’em spicy enough. [She takes up a folded copy of “ The Christian World.”’|] This is the sort of thing you want. [Reads] “To the lonely : all the joys of ’ome.” MRS. SHARPE Yes, I tried that one—once. Told me with tears in his eyes that I reminded him of his mother, and went off before five o’clock the next morning with the drawing-room clock, What about that third floor back ?’” p. 12) PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 13 STASIA "Ow about a card? That don’t cost you nothing. MRS. SHARPE Don’t quite like the idea of a card. Inviting all the rag-tag and bob-tail of the street to come into your house, it always seems to me like. Never know who may knock at your door. sTASla Maybe the very one you're waiting for. Was reading a story only the other d’y. A young girl—just in a spirit of fun like—puts up a card in the window, and a young man comes along, and fust for the joke of it they take ‘im in, and ’e turns out to be a nobleman—in disguise. MRS. SHARPE Yes, I can believe in the disguise. No; I don’t like the idea of a card. We'll keep the house respectable so long as we can. [With her bills in her hand she ts passing out. She pauses to examine the milk-jug.] I think, Stasia, the milk will bear a little more water. [She goes out by the folding- doors. ]} 14 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK STASIA [Mimics.] ‘Don’t quite like the idea of a card.” Silly old fool! Don’t know her own business. [stasta thinks. She makes sure that MRS. SHARPE 7s out of sight; then takes a card from the drawer of the desk: with a chair goes out into the passage, climbs up and places the card in the fanlight over the front door. Returns. A beam of sunlight has softly stolen through the dingy fanlight. It lies across the room, growing in brightness. STASIA returning, after having replaced the chair, stops puzzled for a moment—sunbeams in Bloomsbury in November being rare.] Gorblimy, if it ain’t the sun! [She smiles.] Forgotten all about ‘im ! [Then fetches a jug of water from the sideboard. Is about to fill up the milk-jug; pauses; looks round. Takes a long pull from the jug first. Then fills it up and replaces the water-jug. She goes out.] [The front door is opened with a latchkey and MISS KITE enters. She is @ maiden lady of forty; her ambition is to appear nineteen. She is painted ® PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 15 and powdered and frizzled and beribboned. She wears fluffy golden hair, has pencilled eyebrows, made-up eyelashes, and carmine lips, with a waist of twenty-two. She giggles and gushes and simpers and bridles; and whenever she thinks nobody sees, is with the help of a pocket-mirror and toilet-case for ever powdering and patching herself.] MISS KITE [She looks in, sees the room is empty, enters. Opening her reticule, she takes out four candle ends, substitutes them for the half-burnt piano candles. This is done swiftly and neatly. Hearing footsteps, she slips out, closing the door softly behind her.] [Re-enter MRS. SHARPE with a teapot. She puts down the teapot on the table; taking the key from her pocket, opens the tantalus on the sideboard, brings down the whiskey decanter and proceeds to fill it from the teapot. Holding it wp to judge of the colour, she catches sight of the changed candles. She puts down the whiskey decanter and charges across the room ; examines them—but of course they could not be the same. She is standing with them in her hand when re-enter Stasia, with remainder of tea-things, including large teapot.] 16 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MRS. SHARPE Who’s been in here ? STASIA Nobody. MRS. SHARPE What’s the good of telling lies ? STASIA Who’s telling lies? Think everybody’s like yourself ? Can’t open their mouth MRS. SHARPE Somebody must have been here. Candles don’t change themselves. I’m [Re-enter miss KITE, having taken off her cloak and hat. A silence.] You haven’t any idea, I presume, Miss Kite, who has been in here stealing the candles ? MISS KITE Stealing the candles ! MRS. SHARPE I beg their pardon. I should say “ exchanging.” That’s no robbery, of course. [From mack polite- PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 17 ness to sudden fierceness] Taking four of them measuring well over six inches each, leaving me a set of measly stumps. [Rams them back into their sockets.| Nice sort of people living in this house, I must say. MISS KITE [The tell-tale teapot with the unstoppered whiskey decanter beside it remain on the table. MISS KITE sniffs expressively.] Yes, do seem to be a bit tricky, some of them, don’t they ? MRS. SHARPE [She savagely puts back the decanter. To sTasta] Don’t stand there grinning, you slatternly monkey. Pull up your stockings, do ; and ring the tea-bell. [She gives her the cold teapot, and STASIA goes out. The bell is heard. A loud, brutal-sounding bell.] MISS KITE Shouldn’t be surprised, between ourselves, if it wasn’t that girl Stasia. Tell you what I saw her doing only the other day [There enters MRS. MAJOR TOMPKINS. She 4s plump, pretty, forty-five, with white hair.] Oh, good afternoon, dear Mrs. Tompkins. 2 18 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK [MRS. TOMPKINS and MRS, SHARPE exchange a “ Good afternoon.” They seat themselves. ] MISS KITE And how is the dear Major? I thought he seemed a little “liverish ” this morning. MRS. TOMPKINS Always is after dining out—at somebody else’s expense. [She laughs.] Never can resist the temptation of over-eating himself. MISS KITE Poor man! Doesn’t often get the opportunity, does he? Dear Mrs. Sharpe sees to that. [She giggles.] Only my little joke, dear. MRS. SHARPE : A generous table I have always advertised, and a generous table it will always be my endeavour to maintain. Of course, if people will tight-lace so that their food can’t—— MISS KITE Not too much cream, dear, thank you. MRS. SHARPE [Examines the milk.] It does look a bit thin. PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 19 Shall really have to change my milkman—if this goes on. MISS KITE Tradesmen are such thieves! [She winks at MRS. TOMPKINS.] Isn’t Mrs. Dooley—I beg her pardon, Mrs. de Hooley—going to honour us with her presence this afternoon ? MRS. TOMPKINS Perhaps we are not good enough company for the cousin of a baronet. [Laughs.] MISS KITE Perhaps not. But I think we might be for the widow of a potato salesman. My dear, I know it for a fact. And oh, her meanness! Would you believe it, her own sister, her own nephews and nieces, starving : literally: [MRS. DE HOOLEY has entered, a large, flabby, pale-faced lady. She speaks with the accent of aristocratic languor. MRS. SHARPE has given a warning “‘ Hush !’’] We were just talking about you, dear. So afraid you weren’t coming. But why in mourning, 20 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK dear ? I thought you had left it off. Not another loss, I hope ? [amrs. sHARPE has risen and rung the bell.] MRS. TOMPKINS Not your cousin, the baronet ? MRS. DE HOOLEY [Seating herself.] Her late Majesty, the Queen of Naples. MISS KITE ee [She winks at the others.| Must be very expen- sive, belonging to Court circles. Don’t you find it so? MRS. DE HOOLEY My dear, you can have no conception. There are times, I assure you, when I wish I had been born one of the people. [A German band out in the Square begins to play. The sound comes muffled.] MRS. TOMPKINS Hark ! PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 21 MISS KITE Shall I open the window a little way, dear ? The fog has lifted. We shall be able to hear better. [She half rises.] [sTasia has entered with a jug of hot water.] MRS. SHARPE No, dear. If they see a lady, they'll expect something. Stasia, you just open the window a little way. STASIA Gar on. Why not pay up yer tuppence and enjoy the luxury of feeling honest? Only a ’a’penny a-piece. MRS. SHARPE You do as you are told. STASIA [She goes to the window and throws it open. Calls out.) Pl’y up. We're all a-listening ! MRS. SHARPE You baggage ! [sTasta goes out laughing.] 22 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MRS. TOMPKINS I wonder at your keeping that girl. MISS KITE You got her from Walworth Jail, didn’t you, dear ? MRS. SHARPE Industrial school. MISS KITE My mistake, dear. I was speaking to one of the matrons about her only the other day. Very bad stock. The mother—well, we needn’t go into particulars. [Giggles.] Hope you’re getting her cheap, dear. MRS. SHARPE If she can do any better for herself, the door’s open. And if it comes to talk about getting things cheap—especially candles MRS. TOMPKINS She’s not the class of girl to have about the place. I’ve always said so. PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 23 MRS. DE HOOLEY It does seem to me that when you are catering for ladies and gentlemen—— MISS- KITE And when one remembers there are young girls about the house. [Zo mrs. TomPKINS] Is it true, dear, that dear Miss Tompkins is engaged to Mr. Wright ? Can we congratulate you ? MRS. TOMPKINS Well, nothing is absolutely settled. MISS KITE Oh! Oh, I do hope she gets him. Because she has worked hard, poor girl. MRS. TOMPKINS Yes, and if paint and powder could have done i [The COLLECTOR for the German band appears at the window. He thrusts his little bag on the end of a stick through. the opening.] COLLECTOR For ze moosik—you vill gif someting? Yes ? 24 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MRS. SHARPE Go away. We don’t give to beggars. COLLECTOR For ze moosik—yes ? MIS§ KITE The persistence of the man! MRS. SHARPE We never encourage foreigners ? COLLECTOR Yes ? MRS. SHARPE No. I shall call the police—polizei ! COLLECTOR Pigs ! MRS. SHARPE [Who has risen and crossed, bangs the window.] MISS KITE Did you hear that? Called us pigs! MRS. DE HOOLEY It’s surprising how well they know English. PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 25 MRS. SHARPE [Reseating herself.] You'll take another cup of tea ? MRS. TOMPKINS [She has risen. She ts still ruffled from her encounter with MISS KITE.] Thank you, Mrs. Sharpe, but there are one or two little things I have to see to. MISS KITE I hope you don’t mind what I said just now about dear Vivian. Only my little joke. MRS. TOMPKINS Of course, if it was only a joke—— MRS. SHARPE You’re sure you won’t have another cup ? MRS. TOMPKINS Quite, thank you, dear. To tell you the truth, I rather want to be upstairs when my old man comes in. There’s a little dressing- down I owe him that he got out of last night. [She laughes.] 26 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MISS KITE {Laughs also.] He doesn’t often dodge it, does he, dear? Not when you're feeling yourself. MRS. TOMPKINS Well, I flatter myself he knows what I think of him. [Laughing, goes out, well pleased with herself.] MRS. DE HOOLEY Really, I feel quite sorry for that poor man. Of course he ts a beast. MISS KITE My dear, he can give her as good as he gets. MRS. SHARPE How they keep it up is a mystery to me. It’s cat and dog from the time they get up in the morning till they go to bed at night. MRS. DE HOOLEY Young Larkcom calls them “‘ Darby and Joan.” [They all laugh.] MISS KITE She didn’t like what I said about the girl. [Giggles.] And it’s only the truth. The shame- PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 27 less way she has set her cap at that poor man! Makes one blush for one’s sex. MRS. DE HOOLEY Merely a common racing man, wasn’t he ? MRS. SHARPE A bookmaker—until he lost his voice. MISS KITE They say it was the funniest thing at the end: to hear him trying to shout [Mimics] “Two to one, bar one.” Nobody could hear him a yard away. MRS. DE HOOLEY You think he’s really as rich as he makes out he is ? MRS. SHARPE Well, I wouldn’t like to say that—of anybody. MISS KITE Well, my advice to her would be to marry him quickly and take him away—somewhere where our Israelitish friend Jape Samuels won’t be able 28 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK to get hold of him—unless, of course, she loves him for himself alone. MRS. SHARPE I’ve noticed Samuels has been pretty soapy to him of late. What is the little try-on? Have you heard anything ? MISS KITE A little, my dear.“ [She winks.] Can’t very well help it if people will talk loud enough to be heard the other side of a deal door. Of course, he may have a silver-mine to sell, and it may be worth all that he says it is, and then, again, it mayn’t. [The clock strikes the half-hour—two strokes.] MRS. SHARPE Half-past. [Rising.] I must be seeing about dinner. It’sa funny world. [Zo mRs. DE HOOLEY] Won’t you take anything more ? MRS. DE HOOLEY Nothing more, thank you. MISS KITE Funny people in it. PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 29 MRS. SHARPE [Has suggested to her another slice of cake.]} MISS KITE No, thanks, dear. What is the menu to-night ? MRS. SHARPE [She is by the sideboard.| Well, I thought a curry would be a pleasant change this evening. MISS KITE Ah yes, just the day for it. And your curries, dear, are always so good. MRS. SHARPE Oh, I’m so glad you like them. You’re sure you’ve finished ? MISS KITE Quite, dear, thank you. MRS. SHARPE T’ll send the girl to clear away. [MRS. SHARPE, unobserved, has locked the tan- talus. She goes out through the folding-doors.] 30 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MISS KITE [Looks round the room and sees that MRS. SHARPE has gone.] That means that the veal is a bit “ off.” Such a useful thing, a little curry powder, for disguising the smell. MRS. DE HOOLEY [She sighs.] I suppose they are all alike— lodging-house keepers. MISS KITE Cats, my dear, all of them. There’s no other word for them—cats. MRS. DE HOOLEY [As together they go towards the door.] It’s a wicked world. MISS KITE Ah, you may well say that. And it don’t get any better, that’s the sad. [MRS. DE HOOLEY has opened the door. The beam of sunlight falls full wpon their faces, making them both blink for the moment.] BO ee oe PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 31 MRS. DE HOOLEY Well, I never! Quite a treat to see the sun. MISS KITE Well, myself, I don’t care for it. MRS. DE HOOLEY You don’t! MISS KITE My dear, it shows us all up too much. [She giggles ; and they go out, leaving the door open.] The stage remains empty for a few seconds. Then the front door is opened with a latch-key. MAJOR TOMPKINS enters. He isa fine, well-set-up man, with a military bearing ; a ruddy face with white hair and moustache. He wears a frock coat, tightly buttoned, silk hat, and a single eye-glass. He carries gloves and a walking-stick. He looks into the room, and his eyes fasten on the remains of the tea. He looks out and up and down the stairs and passage ; then enters the room, humming an air. Hurriedly he empties the remainder of the biscuits, together with the cake, into his hat. This done, still humming 32 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK and with a jaunty step, he makes for the door. But as he reaches it: There re-enters MRS. SHARPE. | MAJOR Ah, Mrs. Sharpe, good afternoon. And how is Mrs. Sharpe this afternoon ? MRS, SHARPE Quite well, thank you, Major Tompkins. MAJOR Delighted !—delighted ! MRS. SHARPE [She glances at the table, and takes in the facts. She closes the door with a click, and stands in front of it. She makes a quick movement to try to see into the hat. By exceeding nimbleness he frustrates her.] Won’t you put your hat down, Major ? MAJOR I thank you, Mrs. Sharpe, but I’m rather in a hurry. MRS. SHARPE [With sudden fierceness.| And so am I—for PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 33 thirty-six pounds eighteen shillings and fourpence. Which unless you pay me by twelve o’clock to- morrow I intend to sue you for in the County Court. And that before we are either of us a week older. MAJOR Let us be business-like. MRS. SHARPE Most happy. MAJOR You can sue me, Mrs. Sharpe, and you won’t get so much as a damned penny. MRS. SHARPE Perhaps not; perhaps yes. MAJOR I propose to you, Mrs. Sharpe, that you accept my bill for one hundred pounds at three months. By which date the chances are that my daughter will be Mrs. Joseph Wright, and that I shall be in a position to meet it. MRS. SHARPE And meanwhile I am to go on keeping you all three. 3 34 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MAJOR [Shrugs his shoulders.| I put it to you as a gamble. [Close to her—confidential.| Mr. Wright has made my daughter a formal offer of marriage. Vivian hesitates a little. It is natural. But she has sense. She will listen to her old father’s advice, [with a chuckle] especially seeing it will be to her own advantage. MRS. SHARPE Hardly to her advantage paying your debts. MAJOR [He seats himself at the table.] Hardly to her advantage allowing it to appear in all the papers that her father is being sued for board and lodging. Family pride, Mrs. Sharpe—there is such a thing as family pride. MRS, SHARPE [Yielding.] Well, only mind—— MAJOR [He has taken out his pocket-book and his pen.] A business man, Mrs. Sharpe, is always prepared se GLUOP | jt puy,,, PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 35 for business. Let me see, to-day is—— [He is filling in the bill.] [VIVIAN has entered unobserved. She is in walking- dress. She is a tall, handsome girl, dark, with strong but finely cut features ; dark, passionate eyes ; and towards all things a weary, mocking manner.) VIVIAN [She looks from one to the other ; closes door.] And if I don’t ? MAJOR My dear! VIVIAN Oh, let us talk plainly. [She crosses, taking off her hat, etc.] You are persuading Mrs. Sharpe to bet on the chance of my accepting Mr. Joseph Wright’s clammy and, generally speaking, not over-clean hand. MRS. SHARPE Well, to be candid, Miss Tompkins, I don’t see any other hope myself of my ever getting my money. 36 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK MAJOR And to be equally candid with everybody, nor more do I. VIVIAN I should risk it, Mrs. Sharpe. I think you will win. ‘ MAJOR Mrs. Sharpe, you hear. You—— VIVIAN Of course, there is the possibility that in some moment of self-respect I may be tempted to tell him how the mere touch of him is loathsome to me. MAJOR Vivian! My dear! VIVIAN I merely mention it that everything may be quite fair. Mrs. Sharpe will judge for herself whether in the end I am more likely to be in- fluenced by self-respect or self-interest. MAJOR [Whispers.] A little fretful. But plenty of sense. PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK 37 MRS. SHARPE [She has decided to chance tt.] Mind, if it isn’t met—— MAJOR It shall be met, Mrs. Sharpe, on the honour of a soldier. MRS. SHARPE [Putting the bill in her pocket.] I'm putting my trust more in Miss Vivian. [She goes out.] MAJOR [He answers her with a pleasant laugh and a wave of the hand. Then he turns to his daughter.] My dear child, I cannot tell you [She is carrying his hat towards the window.] What are you doing? Vivian! [She opens the window and flings the contents of the hat into the street.| How dare you! Damn your infernal impudence! How dare you! [Having closed the window, she faces him. The bluster falls from -him.] The wastefulness—the wicked wastefulness! [She hands him the empty hat.| Robbing your own 88 PASSING OF THE THIRD FLOOR BACK father to fling it to the mere street brats! Look at ’em!—look at ‘em! [She hands him his stick and gloves. Again he collapses, and taking them, goes towards the door.] My one weakness: a nibble of something sweet with the last glass— just before going to bed. [From tears again to fury.] And you knew it, you—— [MRS. TOMPKINS has entered with soft step and smiling face.